Unnamed: 0
int64 0
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int64 1
232k
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stringlengths 10
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7,400 | 7,401 |
I saw six men carrying a coffin in the cemetery. Two hours later they were still carrying the coffin around the cemetery I thought to myself "They've lost the plot"
|
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|
7,401 | 7,402 |
You face Ha got "em"
|
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|
7,402 | 7,403 |
Do you know why I have airplane-mode turned on on my phone all the time? 'Cause I'm so fly
|
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|
7,403 | 7,404 |
Someone posted an ad claiming she can wax my chest without any pain at all. Sounds nice, but I'm kind of nervous. Do you really think she could pull it off?
|
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|
7,404 | 7,405 |
I like to kiss my girlfriends neck. I guess I'm a neck romancer.
|
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|
7,405 | 7,406 |
Did you hear about that frog that broke a bone? Yea he broke a ribbet
|
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|
7,406 | 7,407 |
Why was the volcano so pleasant to be around? Because he was so magmanimous.
|
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|
7,407 | 7,408 |
Jesus may have turned water into wine But I turned a whole student loan check into vodka
|
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|
7,408 | 7,409 |
So Trump says he picked a bunch of great people to run the government... But honestly, I've seen better cabinets at IKEA.
|
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1.57934986e-02 -2.09430214e-02 -1.32774552e-02 6.37384579e-02]
|
7,409 | 7,410 |
What do you call a penis with bad logic? A phallusy.
|
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|
7,410 | 7,411 |
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it's because they've just killed someone right?
|
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|
7,411 | 7,412 |
You'll know it's true love when you're in your late 30s and have no other options.
|
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|
7,412 | 7,413 |
Interview Boss: Greatest weakness Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics B: Is that here on your resume M: Whoomp, there it is
|
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|
7,413 | 7,414 |
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake. I know this now.
|
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|
7,414 | 7,415 |
My black friend asked me... My black friend asked me if there was a colored printer in the library I said wtf man it's 2015 you can use whatever printer you want
|
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|
7,415 | 7,416 |
I have my girlfriend a teeth whitening today. Too bad most landed on her chin
|
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|
7,416 | 7,417 |
Will net neutrality be defeated? Is the Gangnam Style finally over? Is Tupac really alive? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
|
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|
7,417 | 7,418 |
George invited all his friends for a no-masturbation get-together They came within the hour.
|
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7,418 | 7,419 |
Hey people who don't understand sarcasm, what's it like being so awesome?
|
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7,419 | 7,420 |
John: There are places... Paul: I remember George: All my life, though... Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
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|
7,420 | 7,421 |
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
|
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|
7,421 | 7,422 |
Why couldn't the radish finish the race? He was just a little beet.
|
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|
7,422 | 7,423 |
How do you start an insect race ? One two flea - go
|
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|
7,423 | 7,424 |
I've recently obtained a book on the guidelines of masturbation So far, I've stuck to it.
|
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|
7,424 | 7,425 |
What did T say to reassure V? "Don't worry. I'm right behind U."
|
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|
7,425 | 7,426 |
What does a dog become after it 6 years old? Seven years old.
|
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|
7,426 | 7,427 |
I became an atheist when I found out there was a religion that prohibited bacon.
|
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|
7,427 | 7,428 |
Judge: "Reason for divorce?" Me: "Reconcilable differences." Judge: "Don't you mean irreconcilable?" Me: "Ugh. You sound just like her."
|
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|
7,428 | 7,429 |
There are 10 types of people in this world Those who can read binary and those who can't.
|
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|
7,429 | 7,430 |
cop: "sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood" me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way] cop: "ok that's better"
|
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|
7,430 | 7,431 |
What does Gordon Ramsay say when he gets a rash? IT'S FUCKING RAW!
|
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|
7,431 | 7,432 |
Latest news from the FIFA corruption scandal: Shock announcement from FIFA's Ethics Committee: "FIFA has an Ethics Committee"
|
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|
7,432 | 7,433 |
According to HR, white people aren't issued a race card, and they'd appreciate if I went back to my desk. *shrugs*
|
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|
7,433 | 7,434 |
I hate three things (1) Posting on /r/Jokes (2) Lists (3) Irony
|
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|
7,434 | 7,435 |
If i was the Grinch, I wouldn't steal Christmas. I'd steal you.
|
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|
7,435 | 7,436 |
What do we want? Race-car noises! When do we want them? Neeeeeeoooooowwwwwwwwwwwwww!
|
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|
7,436 | 7,437 |
I'm really regretting getting that discount circumcision... ...it was a total rip-off!
|
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|
7,437 | 7,438 |
What do you say when you are comforting a grammar nazi? There, Their, They're
|
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|
7,438 | 7,439 |
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
|
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|
7,439 | 7,440 |
What do you do when a horse breaks down? Call triple neighhh!
|
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|
7,440 | 7,441 |
I was gonna go as myself for Halloween this year... But after Trump's comment, I think I'm gonna get grabbed a lot
|
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|
7,441 | 7,442 |
I walk around with a hockey bag filled with dildos & chihuahua's just in case Paris Hilton fires her assistant and is looking for a new one.
|
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|
7,442 | 7,443 |
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh. Two words: No pants.
|
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|
7,443 | 7,444 |
Did you hear that AIDS isn't spread by a virus? Yeah! It's spread by a fungi!!
|
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|
7,444 | 7,445 |
What do you call a poster of a sexy pepper? A jalapinup
|
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|
7,445 | 7,446 |
Things Michael J. Fox would be good at Grating Parmesan cheese.
|
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|
7,446 | 7,447 |
Money cant buy happiness . . . but somehow, its more comfortable to cry in a BMW than on a bicycle.
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|
7,447 | 7,448 |
I just got carded at Forever 21. This is bullshit!
|
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|
7,448 | 7,449 |
There's a little "I'm jealous" in every "whatever."
|
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|
7,449 | 7,450 |
Why don't they make bouncy houses for adults? You'd spill your drink.
|
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|
7,450 | 7,451 |
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
|
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|
7,451 | 7,452 |
I lost 50 pounds in two days Im never playing poker again
|
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|
7,452 | 7,453 |
Damn girl, are you today's date? Because you're 10/10 I know we've been doing anti-joke pick up lines but this only comes once a year.
|
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|
7,453 | 7,454 |
What did the halal lettuce say to the halal cucumber ? Lets make salat
|
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|
7,454 | 7,455 |
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours. Him: Why'd you shave it off? Me: I just told you...
|
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|
7,455 | 7,456 |
How do you throw an egg at the wall without breaking it? With the chicken still around it
|
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|
7,456 | 7,457 |
"I shit you not" - Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
|
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|
7,457 | 7,458 |
Which kid? Wife: Honey, i think you don't love our kids equally. It seems you have one that gets less love from you. Husband: Really? Which kid do you mean? Karl, Tina or the fat one
|
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|
7,458 | 7,459 |
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Trick question. Feminists can't change shit.
|
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|
7,459 | 7,460 |
What's the speed limit of sex? 68 Because at 69, you flip over and eat it.
|
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|
7,460 | 7,461 |
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
|
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|
7,461 | 7,462 |
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I'd meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
|
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|
7,462 | 7,463 |
I love getting kisses from my dogs but, I'm starting to worry about the one who keeps trying to give me the slow tongue.
|
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|
7,463 | 7,464 |
Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres just drowned? They found her face down in Ricki Lake
|
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|
7,464 | 7,465 |
I really like the concept of train tickets. It's an idea I could get onboard with.
|
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|
7,465 | 7,466 |
Why don't women wear skirts during winter? They'll get chapped lips!
|
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|
7,466 | 7,467 |
Have you heard about the first restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
|
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|
7,467 | 7,468 |
Two pieces of asphalt are at a bar A piece of red asphalt walks in. One says to the other "watch out for him, he used to be a cyclepath".
|
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|
7,468 | 7,469 |
The guys that taught me every medicine joke I know just arrived at my doorstep. I decided to in-vitamin.
|
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|
7,469 | 7,470 |
Why will you never see a stag on the internet? They like to stay anony-moose
|
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|
7,470 | 7,471 |
What do you get when you vaporize a king? A noble gas.
|
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|
7,471 | 7,472 |
I took some pictures of my girlfriend's butt this morning I'm saving them for posteriority.
|
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|
7,472 | 7,473 |
How can you tell if there's a mosquito in your bed? By the "M" on his pajamas.
|
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|
7,473 | 7,474 |
A crow once made plans to hang out with me, but he never showed up... ... because he got arrested for attempted murder.
|
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|
7,474 | 7,475 |
I was eating at a nice dinner last night and realized that we spend a lot of money on something that is just going to turn to shit. But enough about my romantic relationships.
|
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|
7,475 | 7,476 |
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who's a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.Dog obituary
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7,476 | 7,477 |
Fish and chips joke I draw the line at having fish and chips for breakfast I mean, there's a time and a plaice
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7,477 | 7,478 |
THE TASTE OF A NEW GENERATION What do Brittany Spears and PEPSI have in common? They both have plastic juggs.
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|
7,478 | 7,479 |
Riding with Uber earlier.. The driver said, "I love my job, I am my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do..." Then I said, "Turn Left.
|
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|
7,479 | 7,480 |
My dad wants to open a funeral home.. Doss Family Mortuary : "We'll take care of your stiffies for you"
|
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7,480 | 7,481 |
You know what would be a good name for a cocaine delivery service company? Instagram
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7,481 | 7,482 |
What body movements alert you that a politician is lying? His lips are moving.
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|
7,482 | 7,483 |
A giraffe walks into a bar. He slides up to the bar tender and says "High balls are on me".
|
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|
7,483 | 7,484 |
There is no such thing as Internet stalking. Stalking requires physical activity. Fun activity like softly brushing your hair at night Sarah
|
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|
7,484 | 7,485 |
[Coffee line] *Sees cute barista* *Twirls hair* No whipped cream please *Sees his backward sunglasses* *Drops hand* Never mind. Load it up.
|
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|
7,485 | 7,486 |
The other night I had a dream I was being wanked off by a Ghost. I was scared stiff.
|
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|
7,486 | 7,487 |
How do you know you're speaking with an engineer? Don't worry they'll tell you.
|
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|
7,487 | 7,488 |
I see said the blind man As he picked up his hammer and saw.
|
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|
7,488 | 7,489 |
A short poem for y'all... "*Roses are black* *Violets are black* *Everything's black* *Even I am black*" - Stevie Wonder
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|
7,489 | 7,490 |
I just joined Twitter; it's really easy to follow people. Too bad it cuts into my exercise.
|
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|
7,490 | 7,491 |
Daddy what is a transvestite? Ask your mommy He knows it.
|
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6.82356060e-02 -3.57828140e-02 1.08851537e-01 -2.55016163e-02]
|
7,491 | 7,492 |
Creed is Alter Bridge with a stapp infection.
|
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|
7,492 | 7,493 |
How do blonde braincells die? Alone.
|
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|
7,493 | 7,494 |
My psychologist says I have trouble identifying my emotions Not quite sure how I feel about it
|
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|
7,494 | 7,495 |
The restraining order doesn't mean we can't hang. It just says I can't get within 50ft of you. You wanna play catch or Frisbee or something?
|
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6.43614531e-02 -2.22547017e-02 4.75268438e-03 5.06392494e-02]
|
7,495 | 7,496 |
Eating a full box of chocolate is like shi# posting. After some time you get a lot of backfire and takes a lot of time to get yourself clean.
|
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|
7,496 | 7,497 |
Did you hear about the girl who went fishing with three guys? She came back with a red snapper.
|
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|
7,497 | 7,498 |
Have you heard about the guy who reanimated the dead? He made Mary Shelly roll over in her grave.
|
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|
7,498 | 7,499 |
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar... The number of occupants exceeds the maximum allowable number for fire safety, and thus the bartender throws them out.
|
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|
7,499 | 7,500 |
How to be an asian... Just squint your eyes and say "We all how smaw deek" out loud.
|
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|
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