Unnamed: 0
int64 0
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7,500 | 7,501 |
[NSFW] If you masturbate with a rowing stick... Will you have an orgasm?
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7,501 | 7,502 |
What do you call a fish without any eyes? Boneless chicken
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7,502 | 7,503 |
The man who invented distorted mirrors has died. His funeral will be held in asymmetry.
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|
7,503 | 7,504 |
They say the best things come in small packages So I fucked a midget
|
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|
7,504 | 7,505 |
Famous last words (silence)
|
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|
7,505 | 7,506 |
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention "amnesia pills" but did anyway? "No" excellent.
|
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|
7,506 | 7,507 |
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed. "Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain. "Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"
|
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1.02593854e-01 7.34065697e-02 -4.51469272e-02 -5.13971932e-02]
|
7,507 | 7,508 |
What do you call an overweight homosexual? Jigglypuff.
|
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|
7,508 | 7,509 |
I'm so done with Apple products! Their phones can't do jack...
|
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8.96107871e-03 -2.22345535e-02 -6.86198473e-02 8.47281050e-03
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1.27573209e-02 -4.51059863e-02 5.84432185e-02 4.06722985e-02]
|
7,509 | 7,510 |
Eventually Adobe is going to release a software application that does nothing but update itself.
|
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|
7,510 | 7,511 |
Why do Jewish men get circumsized? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't at least 30% off.
|
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|
7,511 | 7,512 |
I was going to get a cheap circumcision but I realized it was a rip off.
|
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|
7,512 | 7,513 |
How to tell if she's odd... ...she can't even.
|
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|
7,513 | 7,514 |
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
|
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|
7,514 | 7,515 |
Why didn't Jesus like to play hockey? He didn't like getting nailed to the boards.
|
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|
7,515 | 7,516 |
I always get homophone and homophobe mixed up. I just know that one of them secretly likes caulk.
|
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7,516 | 7,517 |
Customer spelling her name: Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra? Her: Z as in Xylophone. And this, kids, is why education is key.
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7,517 | 7,518 |
Rand Paul's debate strategy has been leaked. He's going to filibuster the GOP debate.
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|
7,518 | 7,519 |
If you ever travel to Italy, you have to try their famous food called "Pasta," which I believe is Italian for "Pizza."
|
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|
7,519 | 7,520 |
"No way." -Jose
|
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|
7,520 | 7,521 |
Pickle bread How do you make pickle bread? You use dill dough.
|
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|
7,521 | 7,522 |
Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.
|
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|
7,522 | 7,523 |
If you follow the rules of grammar, people will always help you. If you don't, your on you're own.
|
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|
7,523 | 7,524 |
Never ask white Americans what their ethnicity is unless you wanna hear a list of every European country and meaningless fractions.
|
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|
7,524 | 7,525 |
I just seen someone update their status on Facebook to "I Wish Every Guy Was Like Jack From The Titanic." What... Dead at the bottom of the ocean?
|
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|
7,525 | 7,526 |
How did Marty McFly react when shown what 2015 would really look like? Gee, it's hard to say, although he did seem pretty shaken up about it.
|
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|
7,526 | 7,527 |
When life hands you lemons make sure those lemons aren't evidence in a murder that life's trying to frame you for.
|
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|
7,527 | 7,528 |
Democrats must be so thirsty Cause of all the salt.
|
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|
7,528 | 7,529 |
I just dropped my iPhone in liquor, and now Siri is slurring her words, won't stop talking, stumbling and trying to have sex with me.
|
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1.71835348e-02 -1.14536904e-01 2.06041206e-02 -7.91455619e-03]
|
7,529 | 7,530 |
So apparently Justin Timberlake is going to write a song for all the people that have been devastated by the crisis in Ukraine. It's going to be called 'Crimea River'.
|
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|
7,530 | 7,531 |
Man goes into the store... ...and he's quite startled by what he sees. The clerk has these great bushy eyebrows. Horrified, the man stutters, "Can eyebrows your inventory?"
|
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7.23292530e-02 -8.71136691e-03 -3.49506103e-02 -1.49291893e-02]
|
7,531 | 7,532 |
<---- Wonders if aliens just call their ride a FO instead of UFO.
|
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2.74176188e-02 4.16045710e-02 1.41079472e-02 -1.09614898e-02]
|
7,532 | 7,533 |
How do neurons communicate? Cell phones
|
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|
7,533 | 7,534 |
No one is completely useless... You can always be used as a bad example.
|
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|
7,534 | 7,535 |
My fast joke Are you a human or a dog
|
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|
7,535 | 7,536 |
What's black, white, and red all over and can't turn around in a narrow hallway? A nun with a spear through her head.
|
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|
7,536 | 7,537 |
My body is a temple... And it's devoted to Dionysus. Cheers.
|
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|
7,537 | 7,538 |
I once played the back end of a wasp in a pantomime play. But I thought I was the bees' knees...
|
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|
7,538 | 7,539 |
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I'm a huge python, btw.
|
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|
7,539 | 7,540 |
It's been a big year for my ten-year-old. Two months ago, he attended his first confession.... .... It took the cops four hours to break him. He's got some willpower, that kid!
|
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|
7,540 | 7,541 |
What's an emo's favorite file type? .rar
|
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|
7,541 | 7,542 |
What do you call a chiropractor in Egypt? A cairopractor.
|
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|
7,542 | 7,543 |
[Walks into a bar] A forgetful women of three children walks into a bar, intensely focused on knitting a sweater for her eldest... Whoops, wrong thread.
|
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|
7,543 | 7,544 |
Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar? greg.
|
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|
7,544 | 7,545 |
What kind of jackets do Audiophiles wear? FLAC jackets
|
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|
7,545 | 7,546 |
Shot my dog 's'mornin' Farmer: "Shot my dog 's'mornin' Friend: "Were he mad?" Farmer: "Twernt too pleased."
|
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|
7,546 | 7,547 |
Do your socks have holes in them? No? Then how did you get them on?
|
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|
7,547 | 7,548 |
Do you know why cows have hooves instead of feet? It's because they lactose!
|
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|
7,548 | 7,549 |
Jewish Pizza What is the difference between a jew and a Pizza? The pizza does not scream when you put it in a oven.
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|
7,549 | 7,550 |
Why can't unicorns play soccer? Because they don't exist
|
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|
7,550 | 7,551 |
What's the difference between Heath Ledger and Heath Ledger jokes? Heath Ledger jokes can get old....
|
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9.65402275e-02 -4.61059213e-02 1.42995372e-01 -1.25473794e-02]
|
7,551 | 7,552 |
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight...
|
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|
7,552 | 7,553 |
Why was the bumble bee wearing a yamaka? Because he didn't want to be mistaken for a WASP
|
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|
7,553 | 7,554 |
When life gives you lemons....a simple operation can give you melons. All the joke is in the title, so you can save that click.
|
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|
7,554 | 7,555 |
Why did Rosemary get kicked out of the spice rack? For swallowing Poppy's Seed
|
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|
7,555 | 7,556 |
Why do java coders wear glasses? Because they don't C#
|
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|
7,556 | 7,557 |
I refuse to lower my standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
|
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|
7,557 | 7,558 |
The south was reported to have more Ashley Madison users than any other region in the U.S. I guess family isn't always enough.
|
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|
7,558 | 7,559 |
How do you make a hamburger smile? Pickle it gently!
|
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|
7,559 | 7,560 |
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else's coffee machine.
|
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9.15773883e-02 4.88063954e-02 5.28709106e-02 -8.83234292e-02]
|
7,560 | 7,561 |
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says "youre going to hell". The bum yells "Damn, Im on the wrong bus" ! :D
|
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|
7,561 | 7,562 |
Here's how pessimism works. It never works.
|
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|
7,562 | 7,563 |
Why don't Baptist preachers color their hair? They just pray the gray away
|
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|
7,563 | 7,564 |
What do you call a store that sells terribly made Nun appeal? The Bad Habit.
|
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|
7,564 | 7,565 |
How many potato's does it take to kill an Irishman? None.
|
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|
7,565 | 7,566 |
A man once offered me a job selling fog, but I said no Looking back, I think it was a mist opportunity.
|
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|
7,566 | 7,567 |
Santorum I thought he didn't believe in pulling out?
|
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|
7,567 | 7,568 |
TV is the best girlfriend Because, no matter what happens, I can always turn it on.
|
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|
7,568 | 7,569 |
If I could set people on fire with a single stare, a lot of innocents would die. "Sorry sir, we are closed." FIRE! "Good morning." FIRE!
|
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|
7,569 | 7,570 |
Why was Santa sacked two days before Christmas? Elf and safety
|
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|
7,570 | 7,571 |
I was on my way to commit a heinous act of religiously motivated violence but then I saw a Coexist bumper sticker
|
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|
7,571 | 7,572 |
What do Nazi marijuana farmers say to their employees? BALE HYDRO!!
|
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|
7,572 | 7,573 |
A joke I made up yesterday . . . Relationships are like socks. They're cool with me, as long as they are the same color.
|
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|
7,573 | 7,574 |
An asian woman gets into car and starts driving... thought you'd enjoy that one.
|
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|
7,574 | 7,575 |
My friends won't get margaritas with me anymore because I get drunk & start saying everything is "mexillent".
|
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|
7,575 | 7,576 |
Nothing beats a pretty girl with a beautiful singing voice except for Chris Brown
|
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|
7,576 | 7,577 |
What do you call a slutty egg? Over easy!
|
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|
7,577 | 7,578 |
JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL! *Car crashes*
|
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|
7,578 | 7,579 |
Nobody heard those terrorist attacks coming... Never forget the tragic events of mime-eleven
|
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|
7,579 | 7,580 |
I hate when people tell me to have a safe flight. Like I have a choice. It's either back home, or in a swamp. I'll try really hard to live.
|
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|
7,580 | 7,581 |
What are the three words that men hate to hear during sex? "Are you done?"
|
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|
7,581 | 7,582 |
Did you hear about the dyslexic KKK member? He went around killing gingers.
|
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|
7,582 | 7,583 |
I had a debate with myself about masturbation... ... On one hand it's feels good. And on the other it feels great!
|
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|
7,583 | 7,584 |
What is the lactose intolerant man's least favorite chore? Laun-dairy.
|
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1.30232796e-01 9.57386941e-03 1.30590796e-01 -2.28046924e-02]
|
7,584 | 7,585 |
How to make employees fool!!! Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year ( Wow! said 1 employee). They are called SATURDAYs AND SUNDAYs.
|
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|
7,585 | 7,586 |
Just saw Elle Fanning. I was blown away.
|
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|
7,586 | 7,587 |
I finished my culinary class final. It was a piece of cake.
|
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|
7,587 | 7,588 |
Salesman: Roll up roll up! Come to our mammoth sale. Mammoth bargains to be had in our mammoth sale. Customer: Forget it! No one round here's got room in their houses for a mammoth.
|
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|
7,588 | 7,589 |
Fine Bros can't sue metal beams, Because they don't react to jet fuel.
|
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|
7,589 | 7,590 |
My parents once made me smoke a whole pack of cigarettes in one sitting. To teach me about brand loyalty.
|
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|
7,590 | 7,591 |
How do you know if somebody's Christian? Don't worry, They'll fucking tell you.
|
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|
7,591 | 7,592 |
A baby seal walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What will you have?" The seals says, "Anything but a Canadian Club."
|
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|
7,592 | 7,593 |
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
|
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|
7,593 | 7,594 |
I want to write a sexually charged novel with an FBI twist. *Fifty Raids A Day*
|
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|
7,594 | 7,595 |
I'll tell you what I know about midgets and dwarves. Very little
|
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|
7,595 | 7,596 |
They say they're free weights, but the gym gets pissed if you put them in your car and leave.
|
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|
7,596 | 7,597 |
Funny school joke Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: who just threw that?! Boy: Me! I'm going home now.
|
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|
7,597 | 7,598 |
What do you get when you cross an orthodontist and a secret agent? It's confi-dental
|
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|
7,598 | 7,599 |
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I'm crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he's the one that's married.
|
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|
7,599 | 7,600 |
Guerrilla Glue It only works when you don't look at it.
|
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|
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