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int64 0
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Mozart, Beethoven, and Schwarzenegger are getting ready to throw a Halloween party. Mozart turns to Arnie and asks, "what's your costume going to be?" "I'll be Bach"
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7,601
| 7,602
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I was told to do what I love I went to sleep.
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7,602
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How do you stop your children from smoking? Slow down and use some lubricant.
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1.65631659e-02 6.48717489e-03 5.06691001e-02 1.02014624e-01]
|
7,603
| 7,604
|
Americans may not get this... Healthcare
|
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|
7,604
| 7,605
|
The pun-ishment of notes When notes get in treble, bass-ically they get put behind bars. The alto-nate punishment is to push them off a clef and hope they land flat on sharp objects.
|
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-2.49602366e-02 5.40720262e-02 5.50831258e-02 -6.05354793e-02]
|
7,605
| 7,606
|
Two Gay Men Walk Into A Bar One sits down, the other says "Can I push your stool in?"
|
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|
7,606
| 7,607
|
Marriage is like walk in park.... and the name of this park is "Jurassic Park"
|
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-3.15349214e-02 -2.00396776e-02 -3.27374972e-02 -4.29799370e-02]
|
7,607
| 7,608
|
Why did the guitarist get arrested? For fingering A Minor
|
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|
7,608
| 7,609
|
WHY DID THE HIPPOPOTAMUS NEED HIS VENTILIN? BECAUSE HE WAS HIPPOVENTILATING!
|
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4.02552225e-02 6.86910003e-02 9.78961959e-02 3.85293737e-02]
|
7,609
| 7,610
|
If I played Edward Scissor Hands in paper, rock, scissors every once in a while I'd throw a paper in there so he wouldn't feel too bad.
|
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|
7,610
| 7,611
|
Black eye Tom: "Hey buddy, howya do...whoa! who gave you that black eye? Sam: "My wife" Tom: "I thought she was out of town for the weekend." Sam: "So did I."
|
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2.05645431e-02 1.20620608e-01 -1.22639246e-01 -2.96062119e-02]
|
7,611
| 7,612
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take our dunkin donuts survey and be entered to win $50000! question 1: how sure can you *really* be that they are your real parents?
|
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5.84380254e-02 -2.26575024e-02 -2.87639559e-03 -2.06160303e-02]
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7,612
| 7,613
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I've never seen an "outtie" belly button in all the years of porn I've watched. I'm kinda glad, I don't want my eyes to get poked out.
|
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|
7,613
| 7,614
|
Please pray for the private school kid whose dad drops him off in a 3-year-old car.
|
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|
7,614
| 7,615
|
How do you greet a slice of bread in Germany? Gluten tag! Ba-dum tss.
|
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|
7,615
| 7,616
|
"My girlfriend is 41 years old" - "My girlfriend is 41 years old." - "Dude, wth?! She can be your mom!!!" - "Yes, but she's yours" - ._.
|
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1.26898333e-01 4.24968377e-02 1.16320234e-02 -5.07644489e-02]
|
7,616
| 7,617
|
My dad was walking around the house screaming yesterday.... He kept shouting, "A, E, I, O, U". "What's wrong?", I asked him. To which he responded, "Nothing, I just have irritable vowel syndrome..."
|
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|
7,617
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|
Why did the chicken jump into the bag of popcorn? The kernel was looking for him.
|
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|
7,618
| 7,619
|
Love is not a game. If you think it is, then you're not playing it right.
|
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|
7,619
| 7,620
|
Just overheard someone say, "I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries." You know. Like a book.
|
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9.63130314e-03 1.04569428e-01 -2.38741958e-03 4.94760759e-02
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8.05407539e-02 -1.72556806e-02 -3.66549641e-02 8.39259773e-02]
|
7,620
| 7,621
|
friend gave me an inhaler my friend was dying on the floor and he gave me an inhaler, guess he wanted to give something for me to remember him. weird.
|
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5.73949963e-02 4.02435698e-02 -1.50052682e-01 3.98746841e-02]
|
7,621
| 7,622
|
me: "so is this a date?" hitchhiker: "um"
|
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|
7,622
| 7,623
|
A German man and woman are having sex, and an American walks in... The American shouts "Gross!" and turns away. The German man looks toward him and smiles, saying "Danke!"
|
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|
7,623
| 7,624
|
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I'm going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
|
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|
7,624
| 7,625
|
The girl at the RyanAir check-in desk said, "Window or aisle?" I replied, "Window or you'll what?"
|
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6.75901324e-02 7.21867308e-02 -1.05811737e-01 2.36582640e-03]
|
7,625
| 7,626
|
My father always said to me "son it's always best to fight fire with fire"... and that is probably why he was kicked out of the fire service
|
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|
7,626
| 7,627
|
What did Jack Frost say to Frosty the Snowman? Have an ice day!
|
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3.52067454e-03 -3.55179533e-02 -8.28037318e-03 -7.04124570e-02
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1.75353978e-02 7.89987370e-02 -6.73142588e-03 -2.58043245e-03
8.14410206e-03 9.11101792e-03 -9.10979230e-03 1.04760965e-02
-2.67104842e-02 6.42761663e-02 -4.01758105e-02 2.97242813e-02
-4.95476015e-02 4.78488579e-02 9.70097166e-03 4.27278280e-02
-1.71723273e-02 -2.61192899e-02 -9.06521156e-02 7.23892357e-03
-1.05583481e-02 8.99233681e-04 -5.04010990e-02 -5.21833114e-02]
|
7,627
| 7,628
|
I once ate a watch It was time consuming, I didn't go back for seconds.
|
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3.78496423e-02 2.09037103e-02 -1.06466733e-01 -1.17828511e-03]
|
7,628
| 7,629
|
Me: How are you? Co-worker: *Gives 20 minute dissertation on their gastro infection*
|
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1.96476374e-02 3.49458978e-02 -6.72666356e-02 -3.73970829e-02]
|
7,629
| 7,630
|
What is the difference between peanut butter and a blonde? The blonde is easier to spread!
|
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2.14934535e-02 -9.77986082e-02 1.02783456e-01 8.68632793e-02]
|
7,630
| 7,631
|
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
|
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-3.96551453e-02 -8.74312669e-02 5.31013012e-02 -3.33130509e-02]
|
7,631
| 7,632
|
It did feel good. I used the craziest toilet this morning. It was one of those toilets that shoots water up your butt I forget the name. Bidet, it felt amazing.
|
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6.49479404e-02 -5.13678603e-03 -1.10143065e-01 6.70375675e-02]
|
7,632
| 7,633
|
Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen that said 'Parking Fine'.
|
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-6.15004562e-02 -3.66085805e-02 7.35540548e-03 -1.11762704e-02
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3.83475586e-03 7.91933313e-02 -8.73384252e-02 4.05884385e-02]
|
7,633
| 7,634
|
[on a Speed date] pop quiz hotshot, if this date goes below 50 mph it explodes [her] that makes no sense [I mouth a tiny explosion sound]
|
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1.80115718e-02 2.69357581e-02 3.07556596e-02 -1.17408223e-02]
|
7,634
| 7,635
|
There are TV shows literally every day so no I am not free to hang out ever.
|
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|
7,635
| 7,636
|
I had a one-night-stand with a Bernie supporter. I know because I can feel the bern.
|
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2.03063083e-03 -3.13716382e-02 -1.08113632e-01 -2.01816857e-02]
|
7,636
| 7,637
|
What happened to him after she made a joke he fainted
|
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|
7,637
| 7,638
|
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
|
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5.72637394e-02 -3.80572714e-02 -4.09465171e-02 -5.02420589e-03]
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7,638
| 7,639
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did you hear about the new tv crime drama? Criminal Mastermimes: the Silent Killers
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7,639
| 7,640
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I dropped my laptop in the ocean. Now there's a dell rolling in the deep.
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|
7,640
| 7,641
|
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
|
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|
7,641
| 7,642
|
What happened in China on Christmas? The Rice-child was born.
|
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|
7,642
| 7,643
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What do you call a baseball player who watches porn? A master batter
|
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|
7,643
| 7,644
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Why don't cannibals eat divorced women? They're too bitter.
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7,644
| 7,645
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a quick zinger If your uncle jack helped you off a horse, would you help your uncle jack off a horse?
|
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-1.00038722e-02 1.52982771e-02 -2.91387597e-03 -8.92091095e-02]
|
7,645
| 7,646
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If you don't open your mouth when you yawn, you're a monster. I'm serious. Let that demon go. You're freaking everybody out.
|
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|
7,646
| 7,647
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What will happen if you put anal lube where oil should be in your car? I don't really know, but I think it will run pretty shitty
|
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-8.82252380e-02 -1.65757779e-02 3.87054831e-02 1.22359013e-02]
|
7,647
| 7,648
|
What rock group have four men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore.
|
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5.86480610e-02 -9.77174416e-02 3.15014571e-02 -2.15578154e-02]
|
7,648
| 7,649
|
Why do Jewish men have to be Circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless its 20% off.
|
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4.08710167e-03 -1.78924259e-02 -1.74179301e-02 -4.34088800e-03]
|
7,649
| 7,650
|
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up. Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
|
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|
7,650
| 7,651
|
9/11 gave rise to "Truthers", Obama gave rise to "Birthers", so... ... would a movement to determine whether Hillary Clinton actually carries hot sauce in her purse be called "Saucers"?
|
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|
7,651
| 7,652
|
What happens when you pet a cat in the opposite direction? You rub them the wrong way
|
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|
7,652
| 7,653
|
What goes dot-dot-croak dot-dash-croak ? Morse toad !
|
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1.02640744e-02 5.17296232e-02 6.88995942e-02 -3.34234163e-02]
|
7,653
| 7,654
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I hate all 1970's female solo artists What a bunch of pre-madonnas
|
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|
7,654
| 7,655
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Damn girl are you deaf? I said, Damn girl are you deaf?
|
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|
7,655
| 7,656
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Me:She's better than me. BF:She's not. M:Look at those, they're incredible! BF: M:STOP STARING! -Boyfriend reading other women's tweets
|
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2.08431110e-01 -6.20173700e-02 4.04168759e-03 -5.23722358e-02]
|
7,656
| 7,657
|
A homosexual, a pedophile, and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender asks him what he would like to drink.
|
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7.22399801e-02 7.03575909e-02 2.27676760e-02 -4.54404019e-02]
|
7,657
| 7,658
|
What did Obama say to Michelle when he proposed? "I don't wanna be obama self."
|
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2.39633266e-02 5.45315258e-02 -4.51446213e-02 -5.52965626e-02]
|
7,658
| 7,659
|
What sound does a Japanese camera make? "Crick"
|
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2.53722463e-02 3.92495096e-02 8.98948219e-03 6.74941465e-02]
|
7,659
| 7,660
|
As bad as 2016 seems to be, it could be worse... You could have got a phone call from Charlie Sheen.
|
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3.55820879e-02 -7.85386488e-02 -1.02845214e-01 2.12446246e-02]
|
7,660
| 7,661
|
What is a junkies favorite drink? Hepsi
|
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|
7,661
| 7,662
|
The reason Santa is so Jolly? Is it because he knows where all the BAD girls live?
|
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2.28566416e-02 5.06489479e-04 3.29117738e-02 -1.07871797e-02]
|
7,662
| 7,663
|
When Chuck Norris finishes a joke ... It's called a roundhouse kick line.
|
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|
7,663
| 7,664
|
Me: Pack your bags.I won the lottery! G/F: Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff? Me: Doesn't matter, just get out.
|
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-2.83857826e-02 5.33962697e-02 9.05540437e-02 -5.60102910e-02
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4.66491431e-02 -5.53342588e-02 -9.14310589e-02 -6.33391067e-02]
|
7,664
| 7,665
|
What do you tell a pornstar right before their video to pump them up? Get your head in the game.
|
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|
7,665
| 7,666
|
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5 the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
|
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6.51702359e-02 -3.46890129e-02 -7.00000525e-02 3.18708457e-02]
|
7,666
| 7,667
|
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
|
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9.69355367e-03 -2.15005577e-02 -1.51716232e-01 -6.96887821e-02]
|
7,667
| 7,668
|
What did the psychiatrist say to the man who walked into her office wearing only cling wrap? I can clearly see you(')r(e) nuts.
|
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|
7,668
| 7,669
|
What did the egg say to the boiling water? It's gonna take me a while to get hard. I just got laid by a chick.
|
[-6.62872195e-02 -2.38796119e-02 5.87302307e-03 7.79549107e-02
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|
7,669
| 7,670
|
Strip search? ... OK, but I'm going to need some background music.
|
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|
7,670
| 7,671
|
If you were in a race with vegetables You would need to get a head of lettuce
|
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1.37901887e-01 3.19494642e-02 -6.45931810e-02 -2.93616802e-02
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1.56501196e-02 1.74536218e-03 1.41461361e-02 -9.92338732e-03
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-1.33888826e-01 -5.88101856e-02 4.16360237e-02 -1.51782790e-02
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-2.87164599e-02 1.65911093e-02 -8.86969864e-02 -2.81062294e-02
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-4.32596914e-02 -3.94042134e-02 -2.77391095e-02 6.47262558e-02
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4.50941026e-02 -2.58402489e-02 -2.62635313e-02 3.24649550e-02
-9.59834084e-03 1.44195799e-02 5.97832017e-02 4.09731939e-02
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-1.84562951e-02 6.58585429e-02 -3.22533958e-02 1.26513531e-02
1.96945723e-02 1.07353657e-01 3.72914933e-02 -2.21444818e-08
1.13067895e-01 1.24959685e-02 -5.27267950e-03 1.07121512e-01
3.39006409e-02 -1.66306440e-02 -3.46517973e-02 -2.92312317e-02
-8.45581014e-03 4.54367660e-02 3.79001312e-02 7.84335583e-02
-3.45990658e-02 7.81579539e-02 3.34711522e-02 1.42559996e-02
7.84641132e-02 -4.60142940e-02 -1.17960097e-02 2.74625979e-02
-9.31478813e-02 3.12383641e-02 5.46776764e-02 -3.11960303e-03
5.39211882e-03 -3.34388800e-02 1.12148551e-02 3.35070528e-02
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-8.44019949e-02 9.05438587e-02 4.34984192e-02 -5.04742339e-02
-6.74915388e-02 5.77816330e-02 4.73891996e-05 8.41030329e-02
-5.80232032e-02 -4.42097336e-02 -5.32178059e-02 4.16090079e-02
-1.03535071e-01 -5.29186279e-02 -3.97040583e-02 -7.40581900e-02
-4.06976379e-02 7.77400210e-02 5.26220910e-02 6.75205439e-02
6.28663525e-02 -5.12635671e-02 -5.89751229e-02 3.61650512e-02
-1.26570940e-01 -1.79983582e-02 2.76872646e-02 1.96341389e-05]
|
7,671
| 7,672
|
What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Short.
|
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-8.44217688e-02 -2.46140510e-02 -8.45640991e-03 8.21473151e-02
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2.17385218e-02 -3.54581252e-02 1.08869513e-02 3.73357460e-02
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-8.22574198e-02 5.88888116e-02 -4.25675400e-02 1.68201942e-02
-3.77319269e-02 2.37771031e-02 -5.84214032e-02 5.51421605e-02
5.62278181e-02 -3.15037407e-02 -4.35496420e-02 5.16847568e-03
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-6.25716150e-02 -4.87327278e-02 -4.48699761e-03 4.84330319e-02
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8.60429034e-02 1.98101755e-02 3.70818935e-02 -2.00577620e-02
2.84031648e-02 -1.12952515e-01 1.18086405e-01 5.97471185e-02
1.00510873e-01 -4.21080031e-02 2.20179297e-02 3.96651179e-02
9.92282387e-03 9.69087407e-02 -7.57398680e-02 1.74484309e-02
4.02992666e-02 2.00918876e-03 1.88539643e-02 1.73369553e-02]
|
7,672
| 7,673
|
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
|
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-5.04491366e-02 9.71699506e-02 1.44424168e-02 2.54920162e-02
5.35584763e-02 -1.29021173e-02 1.23229697e-02 1.08172810e-02
-5.33182733e-02 1.04328930e-01 8.91273543e-02 -3.16423476e-02
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1.40326908e-02 -2.13043652e-02 2.67704986e-02 -7.48319877e-03
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|
7,673
| 7,674
|
Batman threw Two-Face at my car, and now it has a Harvey Dent
|
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|
7,674
| 7,675
|
Doctor Doctor I'm on a diet and it's making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someones ear off. Oh dear that's a lot of calories !
|
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5.46498597e-03 -3.67329158e-02 -8.10849294e-02 1.50538022e-02]
|
7,675
| 7,676
|
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
|
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|
7,676
| 7,677
|
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I'm making... ...then they call me ugly and poor.
|
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|
7,677
| 7,678
|
What's black and never works? Decaffeinated coffee you racist fuck.
|
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1.31834239e-01 4.54502134e-03 3.86345051e-02 -8.54405910e-02]
|
7,678
| 7,679
|
2 guys walk into a bar The 3rd guy ducks
|
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1.52527215e-02 2.35537570e-02 9.59693193e-02 -7.95324426e-03]
|
7,679
| 7,680
|
Why is it... old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one...
|
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-7.43414238e-02 -1.35909304e-01 -5.78519739e-02 -4.38592993e-02
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-7.53218234e-02 1.43135395e-02 -3.18452716e-02 6.76080585e-03
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-1.94670279e-02 8.47004727e-02 -1.90720130e-02 2.41668187e-02]
|
7,680
| 7,681
|
You can just walk into a Blockbuster and take a shit on the floor now. It's not even illegal.
|
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-1.05438577e-02 -1.11697214e-02 -3.27949412e-02 -1.93491690e-02
-8.00717901e-03 6.98839873e-02 6.66622957e-03 -2.24801432e-02
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8.69407728e-02 -2.85562370e-02 5.37967496e-02 1.20021068e-02]
|
7,681
| 7,682
|
I wouldn't be so scared of spiders if they were wearing tiny shoes.
|
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-5.02153160e-03 -6.54671118e-02 -5.77683039e-02 -3.01277637e-02]
|
7,682
| 7,683
|
Dance like you won't be turned into a gif.
|
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|
7,683
| 7,684
|
Why did the storm trooper return his iPhone? Because it wasn't the droid he was looking for!
|
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|
7,684
| 7,685
|
What is potential energy's favourite season? Summer, because it comes before fall
|
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|
7,685
| 7,686
|
Two non-english speaking Mexican go to gran central... One of them goes up to the cashier and asks for "tu tickets plees". The cashier asks "one-way?" To which the Mexican responds "no, two gueys."
|
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2.11354122e-02 8.52998123e-02 -3.59990373e-02 -1.79481637e-02]
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*hires skywriter* $1 MILLION DOLLARS OR I SKYWRITE GAME OF THRONES SPOILERS!
|
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7,687
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So I was going to blame my pet ostrich for a crime i committed But my lawyer advised that it wouldn't fly in court.
|
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7,688
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What do you call a video game that gives cancer? Tombr Aider
|
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9.22518000e-02 -4.35922220e-02 9.16572139e-02 6.47636056e-02]
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7,689
| 7,690
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I tried to google image search Rorschach tests... but all I could find were pictures of boobs.
|
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|
7,690
| 7,691
|
I've heard that Americans don't find paedo jokes funny Guess they're just a bit touchy
|
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|
7,691
| 7,692
|
A man and a woman walk into a bar...
|
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|
7,692
| 7,693
|
bad news, you have cancer and Alzheimer's Doctor: "It's bad news, you have cancer and Alzheimer's." Patient: "Oh well, it could be worse - at least I don't have cancer."
|
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1.13872990e-01 -1.23744470e-03 3.86762880e-02 2.51322705e-02]
|
7,693
| 7,694
|
Why do you really not want to get pulled over in Ireland? Because the cops are Dublin the fines! (It took me a three hour car ride to come up with this... I am not a clever person)
|
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|
7,694
| 7,695
|
So, I saw the movie Still Alice last night. It's easily forgettable.
|
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3.04106753e-02 -1.93536468e-02 1.44607888e-03 -1.40234157e-02]
|
7,695
| 7,696
|
I saw Adele at the train station the other day on the other platform She said 'hello from the other side'
|
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|
7,696
| 7,697
|
I found a cheap prosthetic arm on Craigslist Secondhand
|
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|
7,697
| 7,698
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why don't blondes make good cowgirls? they can't keep their calves together
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|
7,698
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Why was the dolphin happy and the shark depressed? The sharks life lacked porpoise.
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|
7,699
| 7,700
|
Q: What part of the road is always crying? A: The breakdown lane.
|
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|
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