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5,900 | 5,901 | [court] ME: Between 10 & 11 p.m. I was having sex JUDGE: Who are you? You're not even in this trial M: I know, I just want it on record | [-3.76573801e-02 1.39025390e-01 -3.33660617e-02 -5.07543907e-02
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5,901 | 5,902 | What do you call someone who pretends to work in a victorias secret? A panty-mime | [-5.76640330e-02 -1.36412657e-03 5.80873340e-03 -1.09606432e-02
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5,902 | 5,903 | [HR office] HR: you know why you're here, right? Me: HR: you can't "contract" Down's Syndrome & you can't call in sick with it | [-4.11107130e-02 7.36441687e-02 -2.68982109e-02 2.82355342e-02
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5,903 | 5,904 | Closed letter to the mods of r/Jokes... O | [-1.29615322e-01 -8.19200203e-02 5.35451574e-03 6.38024658e-02
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5,904 | 5,905 | My Grandma said I have the voice for the radio... And the face for it too. | [-4.85700108e-02 6.00550361e-02 -1.56745575e-02 -3.91291156e-02
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5,905 | 5,906 | My tombstone will just say "Deactivated." I want people to be afraid that I could come back. | [-2.04491224e-02 -7.93247833e-04 -1.84085071e-02 2.54622493e-02
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5,906 | 5,907 | Toad was always my favorite Mario character He just seems like a fungi. | [-2.44598258e-02 -1.50212934e-02 1.36317601e-02 -5.60814925e-02
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5,907 | 5,908 | I was once slapped in the face by a girl with twelve nipples... (.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.) Sounds weird, dozen tit? | [ 2.48557795e-02 -1.42699517e-02 1.58229191e-02 -1.18924037e-03
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5,908 | 5,909 | My boss asked me to pick him something cheap up to eat for lunch he wasn't too happy when I came back with his daughter. | [-3.85674206e-03 1.35951146e-01 1.67879444e-02 5.22986315e-02
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5,909 | 5,910 | Why does it suck to work for the NSA during the winter? Because if it snows, you can't call and say you're snowed in. | [-5.42001911e-02 -1.23985792e-02 7.80152306e-02 1.56423338e-02
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5,910 | 5,911 | [First Date] Me: "I'm sorry. It's just that I've been burned before." *Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit *Closes visor | [ 2.37052329e-03 9.76261348e-02 9.52555612e-02 4.52271402e-02
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5,911 | 5,912 | What do you call a Mexican knockoff burger restaurant? Carlos Jr. | [-4.67108190e-02 6.39996156e-02 -3.34909819e-02 4.12823595e-02
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5,912 | 5,913 | How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb? I don't know probably more than eight, my basement is still dark. | [ 8.82664248e-02 -5.72163835e-02 -3.10240574e-02 8.38060752e-02
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5,913 | 5,914 | There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version. | [ 4.74373549e-02 -1.44203566e-03 3.55835669e-02 4.50056493e-02
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5,914 | 5,915 | You were probably conceived at home... they say most accidents happen around the household. | [ 3.56678888e-02 -1.51183056e-02 3.66811417e-02 6.59715459e-02
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5,915 | 5,916 | Romantic comedies are just horror movies where people only die on the inside. Also, my wife doesn't let me pick movies for date night. | [ 7.55005609e-03 -1.01465248e-01 4.31351960e-02 5.70144802e-02
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5,916 | 5,917 | KNOCK KNOCK... Who's there? Kicks! Kicks who? Kicks Ronda Rousey for the Knock out! | [-1.01660257e-02 1.13009950e-02 -1.86245497e-02 1.13328295e-02
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5,917 | 5,918 | What do you give an actor playing the role of an angry street gang member? Mad props... | [-6.76441789e-02 6.90083811e-03 -1.92438010e-02 -4.83472720e-02
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5,918 | 5,919 | Malaysia Airlines loses contact with another plane. At least they know where this one is. | [ 4.93326597e-02 6.45623282e-02 4.26977724e-02 4.18383777e-02
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5,919 | 5,920 | What do you call a homosexual man on roller skates? Rolaids. | [-1.37697365e-02 2.22576689e-02 -1.01751298e-01 5.66880330e-02
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5,920 | 5,921 | We gave our children old-fashioned names... Our little boy is Hunter and our little girl is Gatherer. - Brian Kiley | [-5.96542731e-02 7.63060823e-02 1.55181531e-03 3.80029678e-02
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5,921 | 5,922 | All my life, I never thought I'd wake up at 6am to go jogging...and I was right. | [ 6.2920295e-02 4.9706724e-02 -6.4010581e-04 8.5920289e-02
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5,922 | 5,923 | I went to the barbers today. My wife sent me a text that said we had a pipe leaking. I told the barber we're going to have to cut this short. I walked out with a buzz cut. | [-3.36764865e-02 6.38236105e-02 1.20364718e-01 1.74527150e-02
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5,923 | 5,924 | So I told my wife I ate a bunch of pineapple today ;-) But then as I came in her mouth, I said "oh yeah, and a bunch of bacon too" | [ 2.47205235e-03 3.28750536e-02 3.39315906e-02 8.89295340e-02
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5,924 | 5,925 | how do you know when your sister is on her period? your dads cock tastes like blood. | [ 1.75374337e-02 -7.45909661e-02 -7.81829283e-02 -1.60221625e-02
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5,925 | 5,926 | My favorite palindromes I've come across are tit and boob. | [-7.76333958e-02 -8.37135315e-02 4.11537895e-03 -3.64012308e-02
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5,926 | 5,927 | I was searching for the end of the line. I tap a guy on the shoulder and ask, "excuse me sir, are you the last person in line?" Dude turns around, looks at me funny and goes, "no, you are." | [-9.44227874e-02 1.96036156e-02 -2.22619027e-02 -2.45107133e-02
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5,927 | 5,928 | ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me | [-1.70224626e-02 6.99333027e-02 5.80579787e-02 -5.86487278e-02
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5,928 | 5,929 | Don't vaccinate your children! Let a trained medical professional do it! | [ 5.49612567e-02 2.17447337e-02 -3.05666197e-02 4.53372905e-03
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5,929 | 5,930 | Why haven't they installed a mirror on cars that only covers your blind spot? | [-7.47822225e-03 7.25420471e-03 1.08259335e-01 6.14343444e-03
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5,930 | 5,931 | Good morning class, science is our lesson for today. Teacher: What is science? Student: Me Ma'am! Me! Teacher: Ok Pedro! What is science? Student: science is our Lesson for today. | [ 1.73880830e-02 1.29339978e-01 4.61581312e-02 3.74720879e-02
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5,931 | 5,932 | Bruno Mars is the best levitating vegetable magician I've ever seen. He can do 24 Carrot Magic in the Air | [-1.94342900e-02 -4.75363098e-02 -7.13671967e-02 -2.00756267e-03
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5,932 | 5,933 | In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds. How is that person still alive? | [ 6.16578571e-02 4.26595211e-02 -3.66366655e-02 -4.30557132e-02
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5,933 | 5,934 | Celebrities are so rich because they save money every time they attend a movie premiere for free. | [ 3.85330175e-03 -2.15596668e-02 5.14402911e-02 4.91371453e-02
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5,934 | 5,935 | Why do white girls always travel in odd numbers? They can't even | [ 5.82856536e-02 -4.78980429e-02 3.09125874e-02 9.80191752e-02
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5,935 | 5,936 | Why are cars in Russia so slow? Because they are always stalin. | [ 7.70157843e-04 4.42525707e-02 1.74314864e-02 6.27199635e-02
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5,936 | 5,937 | Q: What do modern artists eat for breakfast? A: Surreal. | [ 4.26545255e-02 5.02038077e-02 2.60323174e-02 5.22629097e-02
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5,937 | 5,938 | I like my slaves like I like my coffee Strong and black | [-7.00042546e-02 2.22465955e-02 2.15368299e-03 5.46721667e-02
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5,938 | 5,939 | I like my hookers like I like my treasure... Buried. | [-9.32544246e-02 3.68903801e-02 -2.11941227e-02 2.27009226e-02
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5,939 | 5,940 | [First Date] ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you HER: Ok! ME: What's the capital of Honduras? HER: um... ME:[writing] bad at geo- | [ 4.62867580e-02 7.04616830e-02 6.77054971e-02 7.90200010e-02
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5,940 | 5,941 | I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me. | [-6.78061545e-02 -3.92394736e-02 1.10059224e-01 -2.95967497e-02
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5,941 | 5,942 | A short joke for mobile users [.](http://i.imgur.com/7g4htym.jpg) | [-5.99292330e-02 8.52205828e-02 1.33542612e-01 5.46467640e-02
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5,942 | 5,943 | Half of Chinese men have cataracts... The other half drive Lincolns. | [ 1.05833918e-01 4.02651401e-03 5.78629635e-02 4.35887612e-02
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5,943 | 5,944 | A jumper cable walks into a bar... The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but you better not start anything!" | [-8.99800062e-02 5.37821418e-03 -3.04297335e-03 4.42103669e-03
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5,944 | 5,945 | Why would Ellen Pao not do her own AMA? General Pao's chicken. | [-1.10350689e-02 -3.10489666e-02 8.22162852e-02 3.19522731e-02
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5,945 | 5,946 | What's Mike Tyson's favorite Scarlett Johansson film? Luthy. | [-2.91411038e-02 -5.35170771e-02 -2.13124026e-02 8.48434418e-02
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5,946 | 5,947 | I like my women the way I like my coffee in a basket being touched by many Colombian men. | [ 4.03522216e-02 -2.48941537e-02 8.01729560e-02 5.56095392e-02
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5,947 | 5,948 | Take a chill pill? I had a friend overdose on chill pills you insensitive prick! | [-8.21761601e-03 -1.26744639e-02 -4.67016622e-02 7.90068954e-02
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5,948 | 5,949 | The internet is amazing in its ability to speed up communication, for instance it used to take years to realize you hated your friends. | [-1.00366352e-02 -2.66485512e-02 1.31240800e-01 -3.04408539e-02
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5,949 | 5,950 | My clearest memory of high school is my friend asking me if I brought gym clothes and me asking, "Who the fuck is Jim?" | [-1.04278520e-01 7.39138499e-02 2.25495808e-02 4.83462634e-03
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5,950 | 5,951 | Do you know why Cannibals don't eat divorced women? Because they're bitter. | [ 2.79723369e-02 -4.97800037e-02 6.17373027e-02 6.93683252e-02
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5,952 | 5,953 | I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons. | [ 1.30052622e-02 -3.60318134e-03 4.15301621e-02 -2.39006467e-02
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5,953 | 5,954 | What do you call a girl that raps about women rights? Feminem. | [ 2.04844829e-02 -1.42497411e-02 -7.39994124e-02 6.29760548e-02
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5,956 | 5,957 | The person you're eating with can't wait for you to go to the bathroom so they can check their phone. | [-2.48536840e-02 -2.38278061e-02 5.93546741e-02 -4.88279127e-02
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5,957 | 5,958 | Q: What does an apple and an apple tree have in common? A: They both don't drive tractors. | [ 5.36537990e-02 2.29531601e-02 1.97039898e-02 4.61491793e-02
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5,958 | 5,959 | Where were the first French fries made? ...in grease | [-2.86586024e-02 -7.32840300e-02 5.54777856e-04 1.98136829e-02
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5,959 | 5,960 | If you're a guy who just had sex, what do you have? Happenis | [-6.02969527e-02 2.70993318e-02 3.67330573e-02 8.39689896e-02
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5,960 | 5,961 | Your pants are so tight... ...you can't even get a leg up on the situation! | [-5.06929904e-02 1.35593098e-02 -1.81282740e-02 -3.40521187e-02
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5,961 | 5,962 | What do performing bears at the circus get for lunch? 30 minutes. | [ 1.24881109e-02 8.31302181e-02 8.26829448e-02 4.25610766e-02
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5,962 | 5,963 | What did the Chemist have with his Eggs? Barium, Cobalt and Nitrogen. | [-7.39531144e-02 1.85888037e-02 -8.05688649e-02 1.09586723e-01
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5,963 | 5,964 | Knock Knock... | [-2.56641246e-02 1.95630845e-02 1.26900692e-02 2.09305435e-02
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5,964 | 5,965 | When it comes to gun control, the first thing that should be banned are tee shirt cannons. | [-4.18445915e-02 5.36501482e-02 -1.59461480e-02 -7.27025978e-03
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5,965 | 5,966 | [Spelling Bee] Your word is palindrome "Can you use it in a sentence?" Go hang a salami I'm a lasagna hog. | [ 1.80887207e-02 -1.49256235e-03 -5.03907911e-02 3.56444977e-02
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5,967 | 5,968 | I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it | [ 2.85761314e-03 -8.87601823e-02 1.98229998e-02 4.70396243e-02
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5,968 | 5,969 | How many Redditors does it take to tell a joke? Two. One to think of it, and another to repost it a day later. | [-5.42418696e-02 -9.97148082e-02 -1.77973881e-02 2.47580148e-02
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5,969 | 5,970 | A motorist was pulled over by a traffic cop. "Excuse me, sir," said the cop. "Do you realize your wife fell out of the car two miles back?" "Thank God," he said. "I thought I'd gone deaf!" | [-5.88333048e-02 6.21373355e-02 1.37196593e-02 4.12790515e-02
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5,970 | 5,971 | I wonder what made the first person that ate an oyster look at it and think 'Im gonna eat that.' | [-2.45066043e-02 4.74700443e-02 5.89805953e-02 3.75261307e-02
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5,971 | 5,972 | On the other hand, You have five fingers. | [-4.00648266e-02 -7.92342052e-02 3.16729099e-02 -3.15610766e-02
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5,972 | 5,973 | What's the best part about having a blind partner? You know they won't be seeing other people. | [-3.66433561e-02 2.84477626e-03 8.18000957e-02 6.06607348e-02
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5,973 | 5,974 | Black ice is just like regular ice... Except it's a better dancer... | [-4.76124622e-02 -7.16442466e-02 -4.51549776e-02 5.54861501e-02
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5,974 | 5,975 | [Interview] CEO: Why do you think you'd be a good fit at our firm? GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN'T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING: | [ 2.26757787e-02 9.99913830e-03 6.22838661e-02 1.90897789e-02
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5,975 | 5,976 | Overheard at work: "that is music to my ears". Where else would the music go smartypants? | [ 2.60513779e-02 -2.72396337e-02 2.20549367e-02 -2.43477039e-02
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5,976 | 5,977 | What's the difference between a crab with a boob job and a dirty bus station? One's a busty crustacean and the other's a crusty bus station. | [ 3.46589871e-02 -3.49138654e-03 4.44415696e-02 -1.97728835e-02
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5,977 | 5,978 | Actually, there are but two types of people Those who can extrapolate from limited data ... | [-3.81261855e-02 -9.22036916e-02 -2.77316682e-02 3.21048014e-02
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5,978 | 5,979 | I hate meeting new people. It's like sitting through a fucking job interview to apply for the position of "acquaintance." | [-5.19983359e-02 -4.46539782e-02 8.35720226e-02 5.04800957e-03
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5,979 | 5,980 | I'm told that if you eat pineapple or carrots in excess, your come will taste like that food... Is this why my Japanese girlfriend's pussy tastes like raw fish? | [ 1.95818837e-03 -8.95877779e-02 -1.03088971e-02 5.64453118e-02
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5,980 | 5,981 | my phone keeps capitalizing my lols like i'm some kind of suburban mom with highlights and bedazzled jeans. | [-4.39134091e-02 -2.36705747e-02 9.91163552e-02 -3.40389796e-02
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5,981 | 5,982 | Did you hear about the clever nun who got tricked? She was nun the wiser | [-3.19459178e-02 -3.25867124e-02 -1.43862544e-02 5.46322316e-02
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5,982 | 5,983 | Google introduced a new smartphone alarm that can wake users up on the subway so they don't miss their stop. As opposed to the alarm they use now: getting elbowed by the stranger they're drooling on. | [-8.27106684e-02 -3.79188322e-02 1.45494059e-01 2.76170131e-02
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5,983 | 5,984 | Do you raise chickens? Because you raise my cock. | [-4.05991916e-03 -4.90862764e-02 -3.56865028e-04 1.07917245e-02
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5,984 | 5,985 | Q: Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired? A: Because he couldn't keep his calves together! | [ 3.55853164e-03 4.43796776e-02 1.40293296e-02 3.89143340e-02
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5,985 | 5,986 | A priest, a pedophile, and a rapist walks into a bar He orders a beer | [-3.96591052e-02 4.65163253e-02 -1.03801467e-01 -2.32341029e-02
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5,986 | 5,987 | What do you call a person who makes a clever point during a discussion at another's expense? A Douche | [-3.47308777e-02 -4.07082438e-02 -7.39448816e-02 -1.17979068e-02
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5,987 | 5,988 | Jesus and floppy discs are very similar They both died to become the image of saving | [-3.96031924e-02 2.17406955e-02 -4.10475619e-02 -4.19626758e-02
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5,988 | 5,989 | What did the blue denims say to the black denims? I guess we have different genes! *knee slap* ... I'll see myself to the door | [-1.20271951e-01 6.07652627e-02 -6.67970380e-05 5.80126941e-02
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5,989 | 5,990 | If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai's deli daily. | [-2.35925969e-02 9.12304297e-02 7.26293847e-02 -2.01262049e-02
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5,990 | 5,991 | How do you make a baby boy cry twice? Make him suck your bloody dick. | [-2.10221745e-02 1.59022827e-02 2.46041883e-02 6.65418571e-04
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5,991 | 5,992 | What does a cobra say to his friends after he kills a mongoose? "I wasn't scared at all. Without you, I wouldn't even know what a quiver is." | [-2.65874211e-02 1.35919556e-01 -4.04340848e-02 1.11860104e-01
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5,992 | 5,993 | Q: What time do kids need naps? A: At whine o'clock. | [-1.26421032e-02 9.04335976e-02 -9.14536323e-03 8.09327662e-02
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5,993 | 5,994 | The rain is starting to worry me. I'm afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark. | [ 3.39952596e-02 7.48625621e-02 1.21761054e-01 -1.20661110e-02
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5,994 | 5,995 | Why can't ears have sex? They could get hearing AIDS! | [-6.00207411e-03 -7.87188765e-03 -9.62879509e-03 5.91265853e-04
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5,995 | 5,996 | Almost all of the guys I drafted for my fantasy football team are football players which I think was a smart move | [-4.69074510e-02 -7.90986866e-02 -2.50471476e-02 -2.81210635e-02
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5,996 | 5,997 | I'd always wondered why they didn't make pencils with erasers on either side Then I realised there wouldn't be any point. | [-1.03492014e-01 -2.48281136e-02 1.17893983e-02 6.89318329e-02
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5,997 | 5,998 | It feels like every time I look at the time it's 9:11 I hope this doesn't get me on a watch list. | [-4.01776135e-02 -9.66011286e-02 2.80448031e-02 -3.60151902e-02
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5,998 | 5,999 | Why kill time when you can make it work for you? | [-3.10719553e-02 2.08692402e-02 2.80848797e-02 1.00435298e-02
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5,999 | 6,000 | "Will you spend the rest of my life with me?" "That depends. When are you going to die?" | [-4.73715030e-02 7.53621012e-02 1.44449240e-02 1.06630418e-02
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7.25315362e-02 3.43831368e-02 -5.14900349e-02 -9.82540846e-02] |
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