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3,600 | 3,601 | Origami You never realise how good you are at it until your toilet paper starts running out | [-8.44611451e-02 9.46655404e-03 3.24278772e-02 2.17072340e-03
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3,601 | 3,602 | Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks. | [ 9.71093029e-03 -3.80317532e-02 4.17291559e-03 8.85939598e-02
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3,602 | 3,603 | Which global disasters happen when you drop a roast turkey? The downfall of Turkey, the break-up of China, and the overthrow of Greece. | [ 2.76388247e-02 2.01537535e-02 8.56893957e-02 6.03951737e-02
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3,603 | 3,604 | I never thought I'd buy into Feng Shui But oh how the tables have turned. | [ 9.97482520e-03 7.64958560e-02 3.31549980e-02 5.30429333e-02
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3,604 | 3,605 | [at work] Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom? *standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards* "No...why do you ask?" | [-1.38950450e-02 1.43380299e-01 3.75613682e-02 2.24878285e-02
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7.26614818e-02 3.14499973e-03 -1.18926972e-01 -4.68620099e-02] |
3,605 | 3,606 | I screamed a Brazilian times during that waxing. | [ 3.36911753e-02 3.29719335e-02 5.04531451e-02 -3.32975052e-02
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6.03043847e-02 -1.53357454e-03 4.81926501e-02 -5.31334095e-02
7.67993089e-03 1.11783691e-01 -3.21342833e-02 3.04445568e-02
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5.92431687e-02 -6.74798340e-02 -8.73212963e-02 1.09010320e-02] |
3,606 | 3,607 | [first date] "What's wrong?" I don't like the ambulance in this place [sniggering] "You mean ambience" [next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO | [ 5.37847877e-02 2.27622762e-02 7.03185499e-02 1.28020113e-02
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3,607 | 3,608 | They've just released a female version of Viagra. It's called Niagara. | [-5.59923463e-02 -6.01525344e-02 9.84744728e-03 8.86347666e-02
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3,608 | 3,609 | I asked the lady from the collection agency out on a date. She turned me down, but keeps calling. I told her I'm too old for games. | [-4.98951413e-02 1.03316568e-01 -2.20144521e-02 -3.61940153e-02
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3,609 | 3,610 | Q: What do you get when Steve Jobs hires and fires a lot of people in six months? A: An Apple turnover. | [-1.61538124e-02 5.57753183e-02 7.45912120e-02 1.10559464e-02
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3,610 | 3,611 | Q: What kind of dog does a dracula like? - A: A Bloodhound. | [-1.79625638e-02 6.33144379e-02 3.06186341e-02 1.44749761e-01
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3,611 | 3,612 | Poop jokes... are the shit. | [ 1.50846774e-02 -6.16022907e-02 5.04212715e-02 5.54784527e-03
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3,612 | 3,613 | What do you call a yak that wants to talk to you about a network marketing opportunity? A cognac | [-6.09653369e-02 -6.77278172e-03 -4.39242646e-02 -4.12903130e-02
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3,613 | 3,614 | Where do Muslim hipsters shop for clothes? Turban Outfitters! | [ 2.42341124e-02 5.73443659e-02 -1.87878832e-02 4.02612686e-02
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3,614 | 3,615 | What happens when you fall in love with a french chef? You get buttered up. | [-3.09251230e-02 -5.31207025e-02 4.37769145e-02 5.00355475e-02
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3,615 | 3,616 | Why do gods eat swiss cheese? Because its holy | [ 8.45102780e-03 5.98565415e-02 3.00898552e-02 4.78249975e-02
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3,616 | 3,617 | My friend keeps saying, "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well. | [-4.00019735e-02 4.56746817e-02 4.82733548e-02 3.17412503e-02
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3,617 | 3,618 | I'm living on the edge. I haven't backed up in weeks | [ 2.26869006e-02 -6.94067925e-02 3.84081006e-02 4.44591641e-02
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3,620 | 3,621 | How to scare burglars off. First, put pictures on the wall of you with a tiger. Second, put a cat litter box in your hall and sh!t in it. | [ 5.95115982e-02 6.92715049e-02 3.27060595e-02 8.41564778e-03
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3,621 | 3,622 | What is 6.9? A good time ruined by a period. | [-5.86722493e-02 2.83402577e-02 5.72176799e-02 3.47524248e-02
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3,622 | 3,623 | As I lay my phone down to sleep, I pray my brain won't think of tweets. If I die before I wake, I pray and hope my phone to break. | [-3.53273633e-03 -5.51416688e-02 1.22970454e-02 -3.77864689e-02
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3,623 | 3,624 | The band Europe is rereleasing their greatest hits on records. It's the vinyl countdown. | [-4.13259938e-02 6.33292273e-02 -5.09299636e-02 -6.08874038e-02
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3,624 | 3,625 | What's the difference between a four year old and a baggie of cocaine? Eric Clapton wouldn't let a baggie of cocaine fall out the window. | [ 4.84724119e-02 5.84711507e-02 -1.56282503e-02 -1.50173446e-02
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3,627 | 3,628 | Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats. | [ 5.72664812e-02 -4.01000306e-02 -9.36113865e-05 6.55513629e-02
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3,628 | 3,629 | If two vegetarians are arguing Is it considered a beef? | [ 1.41155785e-02 4.17953543e-03 -8.88852924e-02 8.20566788e-02
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3,629 | 3,630 | My sister's a really bad driver. What makes you say that? Every time she goes out in the car Dad puts a glass panel in the floor so that she can see who she's run over. | [ 7.44932145e-02 2.72166673e-02 -3.19392830e-02 7.69324927e-03
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3,630 | 3,631 | What do Donald Trump and a pumpkin have in common? They're orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be tossed out in early November. | [ 5.06596118e-02 3.81817929e-02 5.64463530e-03 3.16628553e-02
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3,631 | 3,632 | So two reddit mods walk into a bar... ...ya think the second one would have seen it. | [-6.53437227e-02 -7.07190707e-02 1.02596646e-02 -1.51696680e-02
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3,632 | 3,633 | Why is Phoenix such a great lawyer? Because he's "Wright" all the time. | [ 3.16776633e-02 5.51743396e-02 -6.82375208e-02 -3.65443528e-02
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3,633 | 3,634 | Hey lady, did you know I'm a Pokemon? Because I Pikachu while you sleep. | [-1.48969088e-02 5.65524818e-03 3.12868729e-02 9.13591385e-02
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3,634 | 3,635 | What do you call someone whose GPA is greater than the number of inches their dick is? Asian | [ 1.29029090e-02 6.89603239e-02 -7.19088018e-02 -8.59034434e-03
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3,635 | 3,636 | parents, think twice before dressing your child as Cecil the Lion this year. my son will be dressed as a dentist, and I gave him a real gun | [-9.06954929e-02 1.53388217e-01 9.41389799e-03 3.04268580e-02
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3,636 | 3,637 | Remember when you were a kid and you used to blow bubbles? He said hi... | [-9.25932266e-03 5.93234114e-02 2.08999980e-02 3.59215885e-02
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3,637 | 3,638 | Me: "If only the man upstairs could have blessed you with brains as well as beauty." Wife: "Why the hell is there a man upstairs?" | [-7.31619000e-02 8.15639198e-02 4.87417020e-02 5.03839068e-02
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3,638 | 3,639 | So my lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday... They got me a Rolex. I guess they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch". | [ 3.77486832e-02 3.07832919e-02 5.45474552e-02 1.15800984e-02
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3,639 | 3,640 | What did the boy say when he had trouble using glue? I'm stuck. | [-9.21048149e-02 7.58749396e-02 3.41968276e-02 -4.63365996e-03
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3,640 | 3,641 | What sport are Mexicans best at? Cross country. | [ 3.23406085e-02 3.55422124e-02 -3.30776870e-02 6.40381733e-03
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3,641 | 3,642 | Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I'm seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family. | [ 4.09020483e-02 -1.15476191e-01 3.11190411e-02 2.89124530e-02
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3,642 | 3,643 | Swallow it dammit, it's good for you Your Pride | [ 1.18546365e-02 4.03966755e-02 -3.36930305e-02 -9.12219193e-03
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3,643 | 3,644 | They say Kurt Cobain had two blue eyes.... one blew on to the wall, the other blew through the window | [ 3.47852111e-02 2.26627253e-02 7.17857182e-02 5.20551838e-02
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3,644 | 3,645 | [back from the ultrasound] MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus? ME: Fetus, handus, legus...there was practically a whole baby in there! | [ 3.89130563e-02 4.39149030e-02 -3.59389037e-02 6.02807477e-02
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3,645 | 3,646 | Why didn't the tree like to play checkers? Because it was a chesnut tree. | [ 5.84168099e-02 7.91016594e-02 9.95982531e-03 4.28983755e-02
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3,646 | 3,647 | Sean Spicer getting very upset with the media for not reporting that Trump put up a 28/13/11 triple double against the Rockets yesterday. | [ 2.48403568e-02 -2.17733625e-02 3.83543931e-02 -3.85399088e-02
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3,647 | 3,648 | Why did the black child cross the road? To get to the other side | [-1.55066587e-02 8.90597329e-02 -5.63529693e-02 1.23848073e-01
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3,648 | 3,649 | Why was Simba's dad killed by the pride? Because he didn't mufasa. | [-1.87551836e-03 5.67356572e-02 -3.34107019e-02 8.79646465e-03
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3,649 | 3,650 | It doesn't matter what kind of brain is attached. Good boobs is good boobs. | [ 7.79026970e-02 -1.01026513e-01 2.42415369e-02 4.24250476e-02
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3,650 | 3,651 | A dyslexic man walks into a bra. "Watch where you're going!" exclaims the woman. "Sorry, I'm dyslexic and I thought this was a bar, can I get you a drink?" | [-3.50338370e-02 -3.64916548e-02 2.06910297e-02 2.40933299e-02
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3,651 | 3,652 | When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say "There, their, they're." | [ 4.69752923e-02 6.32020235e-02 -2.68529775e-03 5.60083985e-03
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3,652 | 3,653 | Does anybody want this last piece of rain forest? | [-1.12325177e-02 1.84130874e-02 8.70430917e-02 -3.31499688e-02
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3,653 | 3,654 | What has 100 balls and fuck rabbits A shotgun | [ 1.02571763e-01 7.99171329e-02 -2.69260295e-02 2.99654491e-02
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3,654 | 3,655 | I used to date an anaesthetist... She was a local girl. [credit to seeing this on QI] | [ 1.99703183e-02 6.54310882e-02 6.64239973e-02 2.60972045e-02
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3,655 | 3,656 | What's the difference between a club and a strip club? A club has a beat that you can dance to, a strip club has a dance that you can beat to. | [ 2.59417156e-03 -1.14710361e-01 -5.39915599e-02 4.21984354e-04
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3,656 | 3,657 | What's the difference between redneck newlyweds and two variables in a dataset? The variables aren't necessarily related. | [ 2.22995728e-02 -9.45877880e-02 -4.85563651e-02 8.86678845e-02
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3,657 | 3,658 | How come oysters never donate to charity? They are all shellfish. | [ 4.82258908e-02 7.35730082e-02 6.23470321e-02 -5.14042899e-02
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3,658 | 3,659 | If banks are so worried about people stealing their pens, they should just attach them to a Creed CD | [-3.21323499e-02 1.59052480e-02 -2.62481291e-02 -7.12759718e-02
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3,659 | 3,660 | I got so drunk last night I lost my glasses. The rest is a blur | [-1.37204342e-02 -6.43118992e-02 3.77391502e-02 3.40984091e-02
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3,660 | 3,661 | What did they say to the CEO who raise minimum wage to $70,000? Price is right! | [-1.66759770e-02 9.11008492e-02 4.64420728e-02 1.02352872e-01
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3,661 | 3,662 | [death row] Guard: Any last words? Me: [smugly] photosynthesis. Guard: ... Me: it sounded longer in my head. | [-2.87132487e-02 9.36583355e-02 -5.06306440e-02 -3.58001105e-02
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3,662 | 3,663 | What do you do if the lights in a Chinese food restaurant are too bright? Dim Sum. | [ 3.05294190e-02 3.35164666e-02 8.00595731e-02 6.01746179e-02
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3,663 | 3,664 | Santa's lap isn't the only place wishes come true. | [ 8.23333263e-02 1.12072982e-01 3.16233747e-02 -2.62224991e-02
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3,664 | 3,665 | Are you today's date? Cause you're a 10/10. (Friend told me this today) | [-5.45300990e-02 6.13761805e-02 1.29829690e-01 4.91543561e-02
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3,665 | 3,666 | I've never been in love but I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food. | [-9.75679308e-02 -4.48415019e-02 7.09302798e-02 3.90944220e-02
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3,666 | 3,667 | What's the difference between a blimp and 1,000 blowjobs? One was a Good Year and one was a great year | [-1.02822799e-02 1.39011005e-02 5.25757968e-02 5.48773212e-03
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3,667 | 3,668 | "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "The pilot. Let me in" | [ 6.51296135e-03 8.09952989e-02 -2.77465619e-02 8.36479571e-03
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3,668 | 3,669 | Did you hear about the new Obama Healthcare Burrito? You don't find out whats in it until you pass it... | [ 4.36794274e-02 -4.28622356e-03 1.49619225e-02 8.76598060e-02
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3,669 | 3,670 | [drops son off for 1st day at daycare] "Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o'clock." "Not a chance. He's your problem now." | [-7.15264156e-02 1.11260332e-01 1.43864481e-02 1.03206718e-02
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3,670 | 3,671 | I understand the face situation but you don't have to be ugly on the inside too | [-4.71669771e-02 5.28165475e-02 3.02614458e-02 5.16116470e-02
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3,671 | 3,672 | Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog ! | [ 1.54475747e-02 -3.84043679e-02 2.53556129e-02 1.07244819e-01
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3,672 | 3,673 | Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field | [ 5.35150394e-02 1.31189778e-01 -5.27970009e-02 -3.51080596e-02
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3,673 | 3,674 | Life Pro Tip: Putting your phone in airplane mode will stop ads while you play. | [ 4.88376524e-03 -7.39039038e-04 3.94418687e-02 -5.53312600e-02
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3,674 | 3,675 | (real news) Chinese archaeologists have discovered the country's oldest mathematics document, written on bamboo more than 2,200 years ago! Even more amazing - one of the answers is wrong. | [-8.36402625e-02 9.00644585e-02 -3.73555091e-03 6.55138269e-02
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3,675 | 3,676 | I just made your acquaintance, and this is preposterous, but here is my address, perhaps thou shall mail me maybe. | [-6.46441430e-02 -3.34537327e-02 1.11876182e-01 -6.01299980e-04
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3,676 | 3,677 | How do they practice safe sex in Scotland? They brand the sheep that kick. | [ 2.43398994e-02 1.54004060e-02 -2.72654798e-02 -1.26710488e-02
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3,677 | 3,678 | When I first met your mom, I fell in love with her because she had a kind face... The kind of face I want to fuck the shit out of! | [-2.72707008e-02 2.60250531e-02 6.41962811e-02 4.08020318e-02
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3,678 | 3,679 | How can I smile when 28% of Americans aren't getting enough fiber? | [ 7.49584064e-02 -8.17937553e-02 7.67503604e-02 9.35856923e-02
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3,679 | 3,680 | When going through TSA inspection at the airport, there's no telling how long it will take... ... All belts are off . | [ 4.51453738e-02 7.10813468e-03 -1.74520425e-02 2.92438921e-02
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3,680 | 3,681 | You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night! | [ 3.43715549e-02 4.95569073e-02 4.16383371e-02 5.49848452e-02
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3,681 | 3,682 | I had a Crazy Dream Wait for dreams to come up in conversation. I had a crazy dream last night. I drempt I was a muffler... and when i woke up I was exhausted. | [ 4.31426875e-02 1.59147140e-02 6.80795237e-02 2.02202182e-02
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3,682 | 3,683 | I just had a nice lunch in the park; homeless people don't have it so bad after all. | [ 5.85616231e-02 3.07056941e-02 1.24801688e-01 2.92202663e-02
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3,683 | 3,684 | Have you heard about the new supersensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman. | [-8.42764303e-02 -3.01113985e-02 1.32538527e-02 2.37242691e-02
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3,684 | 3,685 | Bathroom mirrors are either the luckiest or the unluckiest objects in the house. | [ 3.59402820e-02 -3.79154272e-02 1.35362759e-01 2.20379629e-03
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3,685 | 3,686 | What do you call it when a story has a recurring train theme? A Loco Motif | [-5.12636080e-02 -2.33127885e-02 -4.64819651e-03 7.95555711e-02
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3,686 | 3,687 | A good way to keep a secret from me is to leave it on my voicemail | [-1.06898725e-01 3.32181901e-02 3.26283723e-02 -4.65385281e-02
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3,689 | 3,690 | Be the reason they create new laws. | [-2.83783711e-02 3.48427184e-02 6.76256642e-02 -6.70145899e-02
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3,690 | 3,691 | I like the sound of you not talking. | [-7.62754828e-02 -4.70558070e-02 1.17385713e-02 -3.30217294e-02
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3,691 | 3,692 | I haven't fapped for seven days... ... because that would be too long. | [-4.23214026e-02 -3.65370810e-02 1.03110664e-01 7.67388567e-02
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3,692 | 3,693 | Hubs: If you could sleep with... Me: THOR!!! Hubs: ...the fan off tonight, that'd be great. Me: Ohhhh... | [ 1.18831790e-03 3.57189067e-02 6.03031218e-02 5.76727279e-02
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3,693 | 3,694 | Now that Gay Marriage is legal in all states I can finally get married as a solid, liquid, or gas. | [ 1.30228680e-02 3.44469547e-02 2.42045578e-02 4.05022129e-02
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3,694 | 3,695 | Vermont's 4 seasons Vermont has 5 seasons: Almost winter Winter Still winter Mud season Road construction | [-2.48471312e-02 -2.82109249e-02 1.76850900e-01 1.79997180e-02
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3,695 | 3,696 | Man, 2016 really has killed everybody: In November alone we lost Leonard Cohen, Florence Henderson... ...and America. | [ 7.60724172e-02 -3.42956111e-02 3.55775980e-03 2.30774544e-02
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3,696 | 3,697 | Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong. | [-3.18533182e-03 4.23313975e-02 4.00231816e-02 6.54878020e-02
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3,697 | 3,698 | April showers bring may flowers What do may flowers bring? Pilgrims. What do Pilgrims bring? Smallpox | [ 2.89269481e-02 6.71133175e-02 1.27837226e-01 5.19874506e-03
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3,698 | 3,699 | My dog and I have two things in common: We like burying our bones in other peoples backyards and fleas :-( | [-2.53422215e-04 -1.59279804e-03 9.20129418e-02 2.50283200e-02
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3,699 | 3,700 | Mom: Fred there were two chocolate cakes in the larder yesterday and now there's only one. Why? Fred: I don't know. It must have been so dark I didn't see the other one. | [ 3.77200022e-02 4.97888029e-02 5.56783229e-02 4.36033085e-02
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6.10779747e-02 -8.64534732e-03 -1.27935298e-02 -9.98675637e-03] |
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