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3,700 | 3,701 | China has blocked Twitter. Now 1.3 billion people will have no idea what I'm having for lunch. | [-1.11480779e-03 -2.63492242e-02 1.05728030e-01 -1.41628133e-03
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3,701 | 3,702 | I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I'm impecunious. | [ 5.36082946e-02 -2.19818763e-02 -1.44961430e-02 4.26202007e-02
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3,702 | 3,703 | I ran my car into a pole The poor bastard never saw me coming | [ 2.16187425e-02 1.23712003e-01 1.00484269e-03 3.61423157e-02
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3,703 | 3,704 | Whats the hardest part about watching Amy Schumer swim through a pool of dead babies? Knowing she will make a shitty vagina joke about it. | [-2.45493986e-02 -1.14479199e-01 1.01912383e-03 4.71693464e-03
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3,704 | 3,705 | What do you call a lawyer up to his neck in cement? Not enough cement EDIT: Okay thanks for pointing out that I messed up the wording but the joke is supposed to be the funny part | [-6.08773008e-02 8.71524140e-02 -4.28003408e-02 -3.57710347e-02
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3,705 | 3,706 | I lost my kidneys when I turned 18 My knees are 100% adult now! | [-3.39570381e-02 6.74362481e-02 2.68655717e-02 1.07565830e-02
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3,706 | 3,707 | How are ISIS like Little Miss Muffet? Because they've got Kurds in their way. | [ 9.94521528e-02 1.63413510e-02 1.00151382e-01 -2.69597899e-02
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3,707 | 3,708 | I've never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face. | [-2.42642015e-02 6.53697401e-02 3.36199589e-02 6.73056906e-03
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3,708 | 3,709 | Spoiler Alert I just watched Fast and Furious the other day, and I just couldn't get into it because there were too many spoilers. | [-4.80067059e-02 -2.40145214e-02 -1.75858308e-02 6.37294492e-03
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3,709 | 3,710 | Women are like condoms They spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. | [-3.56953330e-02 1.45218642e-02 -2.01412719e-02 1.03554744e-02
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3,710 | 3,711 | Dammit Dad Dad: "Whaddya got there, son?" Son: "Soy milk." Dad: -pauses- "Hola milk, soy tu padre." | [-1.33150620e-02 2.34356374e-02 -3.29224542e-02 -3.47163193e-02
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3,711 | 3,712 | Why did AT&T have the worst wedding? No reception. | [ 1.50647918e-02 1.90540180e-02 3.43015715e-02 6.73458651e-02
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3,712 | 3,713 | What do you call it when a doctor gives up halfway through an abortion? A portion. | [ 1.47266090e-02 8.09400678e-02 -4.85224053e-02 2.34721750e-02
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3,714 | 3,715 | What do you get when you have sex with an STD infested mentally challenged person? The slow clap | [-1.87333804e-02 5.96191771e-02 -8.08761176e-03 3.26774344e-02
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3,715 | 3,716 | Christopher Walken does one of the top seven Christopher Walken impressions I've ever heard. | [-5.34708202e-02 -6.61093965e-02 2.54142508e-02 -2.80218460e-02
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3,716 | 3,717 | Had a trip to the Docs I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said "Can u describe the symptoms?" I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair" | [-5.05697401e-03 -1.69176366e-02 2.75433362e-02 4.19538990e-02
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3,717 | 3,718 | Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU | [ 4.13862914e-02 -6.95274323e-02 4.01296429e-02 -2.23979750e-03
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3,718 | 3,719 | Why did Sean Connery say he quit his mall Santa job? I got tired of all the kids asking to shit on my lap. | [-9.83196497e-03 1.76865775e-02 2.32870672e-02 1.34057291e-02
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3,719 | 3,720 | You make cool foam designs on top of your coffee? Well latte-da. | [-1.90470889e-02 -3.49279083e-02 -1.83893777e-02 3.37263085e-02
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3,720 | 3,721 | Sarah Jessica Parker's kid cannot start kindergarten today with all the other children due to a medical condition, he's a little hoarse. | [-3.95936854e-02 -6.56923652e-02 2.88866647e-02 -9.33677331e-03
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3,721 | 3,722 | Why did the Mexican take Xanax? To stop hispanic attacks | [ 3.53748128e-02 8.65304321e-02 -3.17211566e-03 4.36418913e-02
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3,722 | 3,723 | What do you call the pirate with the second largest penis? Long John Silver First of my original jokes to actually make my girlfriend chuckle. | [-5.00715785e-02 3.27644385e-02 2.77536958e-02 2.44343118e-03
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3,723 | 3,724 | Woman next to me at coffee shop just asked a guy who's farther away to watch her computer for a sec. Devastated. | [-1.62170827e-02 -1.22176325e-02 6.70554638e-02 -5.13664214e-03
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3,724 | 3,725 | Just a typical interview "What's your greatest weakness?" "Honesty." "I don't really think that's a weakness." "I don't give a fuck what you think." | [-3.89032550e-02 1.06423087e-01 -6.92958618e-03 1.68516953e-02
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3,725 | 3,726 | They say you are what you eat... That's why I'm a good person | [ 6.71768794e-03 3.62900756e-02 1.99402440e-02 3.07704918e-02
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3,726 | 3,727 | I went to the zoo the other day, there was a dog there. It was a shitzu | [ 3.89459804e-02 1.41519867e-02 8.21241364e-02 7.79841319e-02
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3,727 | 3,728 | How to serve someone a summons to court 1) Knock on their door 2) Holding a really big check for $1,000,000 3) With a "camera crew" 4) Verify person's name 5) JK you've been served. | [-5.83095625e-02 9.12598222e-02 4.61640619e-02 -6.18273243e-02
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3,728 | 3,729 | "I'm here for the hookers and the booze!!!" "Sir, this is a library." *whispers... "I'm here for the hookers and the booze." | [-5.70082180e-02 8.67310073e-03 -1.12033188e-01 -1.45591693e-02
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3,729 | 3,730 | Have you ever eat a clock? Its very time consuming. | [-2.40024254e-02 6.30027056e-02 3.06924023e-02 8.45935419e-02
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3,730 | 3,731 | Just asking for a friend, if one of your testicles drooped more than the other would you see a doctor? | [ 4.00817432e-02 3.44819166e-02 -1.32024079e-03 9.22019221e-03
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3,731 | 3,732 | What is more funny than a penguin sliding down a hill? The penguin who pushed him! | [-3.55576281e-04 3.80567946e-02 -5.00472263e-03 5.02082072e-02
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3,732 | 3,733 | Wait a second, so violence is an actual resort? That place sounds wonderful. | [ 1.77536204e-01 -2.57532373e-02 -6.14000633e-02 7.40123391e-02
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3,733 | 3,734 | Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo. | [-2.85330210e-02 2.20733676e-02 -2.10001543e-02 1.00539349e-01
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3,734 | 3,735 | What did the magician's girlfriend say to the magician? I can't see you anymore. | [-9.16832760e-02 4.79371510e-02 -1.54703041e-03 -1.72386167e-03
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3,735 | 3,736 | Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work Cop2: Not a bit Cop1: Ok cover me, I'm going in Cop2: HI GOING IN I'M DAD [both get shot] | [-3.65728550e-02 -2.15585008e-02 -4.27223220e-02 2.20129974e-02
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3,736 | 3,737 | Did you know that your local graveyard doesn't allow anyone who lives where you are to be buried there.... ....As they need to be dead first | [ 5.66513836e-02 3.85937281e-02 2.02841684e-02 -5.85691221e-02
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3,737 | 3,738 | "Wanna go camping?" "No thanks, I have a house." | [ 1.32160122e-02 1.20097980e-01 1.01754200e-02 5.39995953e-02
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3,738 | 3,739 | Why is a hemiola unfair? Because it's three against two. | [ 7.16974065e-02 7.24329427e-02 -3.31091159e-03 -3.32030021e-02
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3,739 | 3,740 | Donald Trump, candidate for President, reaffirmed for America that we shouldn't worry about the size of his genitals. Now that's classy... With a capital KKK. | [ 8.47740024e-02 8.44359547e-02 -3.02450191e-02 1.65772382e-02
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3,740 | 3,741 | I bet kangaroos get tired of holding all of their friend's keys and cell phones while they're at the beach. | [ 5.20601608e-02 5.94896264e-02 1.04428433e-01 -6.45311084e-03
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3,741 | 3,742 | Hi! This is my first time in a Fitness Center. How do I start? Personal Trainer: By putting down that Pizza slice! | [-4.72721495e-02 -1.56610180e-02 -1.45544857e-02 7.59658441e-02
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3,742 | 3,743 | So I was at the bar last night.. and the waitress screamed..."Anyone know CPR?!" I said, "Hell, I know the entire alphabet!" Everyone laughed...except this *one* guy. | [-1.03025697e-02 1.10110836e-02 -4.75281514e-02 -6.72842562e-03
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3,743 | 3,744 | I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9. | [ 9.81145073e-03 -4.15020064e-02 5.74520528e-02 2.12453026e-02
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3,744 | 3,745 | I dont think anyone flushed the toilet because i dont need to hear all of your shit | [ 6.66296482e-02 -6.19765297e-02 1.00968316e-01 -4.94810492e-02
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3,745 | 3,746 | Britain will be just fine... you always lose a few Pounds after a breakup. | [ 6.52952194e-02 -9.90771577e-02 6.74326196e-02 9.32852458e-03
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3,746 | 3,747 | Why did the man quit his job at the helium gas factory? He didn't like being spoken to in that voice | [-2.90202685e-02 3.19392420e-02 -1.91881973e-02 3.61939669e-02
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3,747 | 3,748 | *yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth* *closes mouth* *looks around to see if anyone noticed* *swallows bird* *acts like nothing happened* | [ 6.30534440e-02 3.72134745e-02 5.62019497e-02 -1.44327153e-02
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3,748 | 3,749 | Why is Nixon a bad chef? Because he is not a cook. | [ 9.24099609e-02 -4.63298708e-02 -5.06379129e-03 7.12567344e-02
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3,749 | 3,750 | When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people...... | [-3.28868302e-03 5.68992309e-02 1.89096127e-02 -1.78046003e-02
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3,750 | 3,751 | My special power is reading about a disease and developing all the related symptoms within an hour. | [ 3.10608000e-02 4.46462166e-03 1.44760509e-03 8.52516443e-02
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3,751 | 3,752 | I think my children are spoiled I must have left them unrefrigerated for too long before eating them. | [-2.15745028e-02 -2.38089096e-02 6.02680957e-03 7.90220574e-02
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3,752 | 3,753 | How many dead whores does it take to change a light bulb? More than three, I still can't reach it. | [ 7.99577981e-02 -5.35310768e-02 -5.77652901e-02 9.60688572e-03
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3,753 | 3,754 | I can't look my former prostitute partner in the face since someone e-mailed me pics of her in the old days. Never look giffed whores in the mouth. | [-8.77540037e-02 2.85591278e-03 -3.58135859e-03 4.78430279e-03
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3,754 | 3,755 | How do you save a drowning mouse ? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation ! | [ 4.22872603e-03 1.40140718e-02 1.84902865e-02 -6.86890073e-03
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3,755 | 3,756 | ME: I'll have the chicken dinner. WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick. ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent. | [-7.08752573e-02 5.11327200e-03 2.69893976e-03 -1.01961009e-02
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3,756 | 3,757 | The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. | [-2.91927513e-02 1.29149452e-01 7.09865149e-03 2.45894622e-02
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3,757 | 3,758 | What's worse than nine eleven? 311 | [-2.68033128e-02 -1.65321156e-02 -1.67711973e-02 -8.10295567e-02
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3,758 | 3,759 | Hey you with the Uggs, Michael Kors bag, iPhone, scarf and super excited voice.. *70 million white women turn around* | [-1.09463912e-02 2.82737780e-02 3.00876927e-02 1.05426021e-01
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3,759 | 3,760 | Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman's hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out. | [-3.49264741e-02 -2.79112235e-02 5.42909279e-02 1.27446309e-01
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3,760 | 3,761 | Why did Microsoft go straight to Windows 10? Because 7 8 9 | [-3.06458920e-02 3.18344720e-02 6.57173768e-02 6.36764942e-03
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3,761 | 3,762 | I don't want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies. | [-6.18333369e-02 -3.83403860e-02 3.18011083e-02 6.15369789e-02
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3,762 | 3,763 | [OC] Did you hear the one about the douchebag bodybuilder with the anal fissure? He's one ripped asshole. | [-4.96636033e-02 -4.54024710e-02 -7.22274333e-02 6.78095818e-02
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3,763 | 3,764 | What did the Gay techie say? I do queries. | [-2.20930483e-02 7.33598396e-02 2.36881827e-03 3.88411023e-02
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3,764 | 3,765 | Say no to shampoo. Demand real poo. | [-3.35664228e-02 -4.11472097e-02 6.15231842e-02 -2.27540396e-02
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3,765 | 3,766 | God: What's that? Noah: The aquarium God: For what? Noah: The fish God: Fish can survive floods Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL | [-2.13096291e-03 6.23487234e-02 4.31598201e-02 -8.54241848e-03
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3,766 | 3,767 | What did the magician say when he made his rabbit disappear? Hare today gone tomorrow. | [ 4.13347818e-02 8.47268850e-02 3.77959535e-02 8.26300085e-02
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3,767 | 3,768 | They've finally renamed my gym "Skinny Guys with Giant Headphones Loudly Dropping Small Weights." | [-1.06104277e-02 3.97096165e-02 6.25440106e-02 -6.34735543e-03
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3,768 | 3,769 | "My anger began to flow through me like hot mountain sweat.." Um, don't you mean "Lava"? "...like warm hill pee" | [-8.15701410e-02 3.16089690e-02 4.56982329e-02 6.51426017e-02
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3,769 | 3,770 | My favorite Kardashian is the one who dies first. | [-4.50111218e-02 -7.28575587e-02 1.69419572e-02 -5.47759756e-02
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3,770 | 3,771 | What comes before OP? QWERTYUI | [-9.58261192e-02 5.02573065e-02 -1.11417565e-02 3.70358899e-02
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3,771 | 3,772 | I got a joke... your life | [ 2.93198433e-02 3.07610794e-03 4.51572351e-02 -1.45942653e-02
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3,772 | 3,773 | I just purchased duct tape at the Dollar Store to fix all of the other shit I bought at the Dollar Store. Life is going exactly as planned. | [-5.91830201e-02 7.90032186e-03 1.14285648e-01 -2.16529500e-02
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3,773 | 3,774 | Accidentally made my Christian Mingle username 'Voldemort69' again | [-6.07027076e-02 3.04876175e-02 3.72764766e-02 -7.81999715e-03
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3,774 | 3,775 | What do women and tornadoes have in common? They scream when they come and take the house when they leave. | [ 4.66774888e-02 -5.97022474e-02 3.11579295e-02 1.19915962e-01
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3,775 | 3,776 | Thought I saw a fat guy doing a killer air harmonica but it turns out he was just sneezing over and over. | [ 3.02133858e-02 -1.85073614e-02 1.71438716e-02 1.70862656e-02
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3,776 | 3,777 | Yo mama head so small that she got her ear pierced and died. | [ 1.10218553e-02 4.57825102e-02 5.02839591e-03 7.56375352e-03
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3,777 | 3,778 | A British wizard walks into a gay bar... ...and disappears with a poof | [ 2.98522767e-02 5.01703136e-02 -5.68494610e-02 4.65596169e-02
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3,778 | 3,779 | What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler? Michael Phelps can finish a race. | [ 2.35865563e-02 4.89202328e-02 -4.16483097e-02 5.68242831e-05
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3,779 | 3,780 | Pretty sure I know what my wife's getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise. | [-2.93792617e-02 3.69552150e-02 2.29213424e-02 2.52817385e-02
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3,780 | 3,781 | The Captain and Tennille are divorcing. Tennille left him after learning he was only a Petty Officer, Third Class. | [-5.03730066e-02 3.97299901e-02 1.30999985e-03 -2.58540679e-02
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3,781 | 3,782 | 4 is currently using scissors to whittle down a pencil. This will be a valuable skill if she ever goes to prison and needs to make a shank. | [ 4.96407449e-02 2.08029803e-02 6.08571898e-03 -1.07958838e-02
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3,782 | 3,783 | Did you hear the one about the Viking who was reincarnated? He was Bjorn again. | [-6.02793656e-02 3.87689471e-02 1.91909814e-04 -1.69495437e-02
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3,783 | 3,784 | What is Green...and Smells Like Pork? Kermit the Frog's Finger!! | [-5.43082580e-02 2.33691558e-02 6.29672334e-02 -2.51548141e-02
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3,784 | 3,785 | God grant me the serenity to accept the things Facebook changes, the courage to change the settings I can, and the wisdom to know it won't make a difference. | [ 2.74202954e-02 8.27260762e-02 3.75121348e-02 -8.72370973e-03
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3,785 | 3,786 | On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment. | [-2.62140669e-03 1.58699322e-02 6.93563297e-02 3.55079360e-02
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3,786 | 3,787 | I wonder who ate the first egg. Like who said, "I'm a eat the white ball that chicken just shit out." | [-1.12953158e-02 4.54027429e-02 3.57181802e-02 2.59847026e-02
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3,787 | 3,788 | Jokes from a college student. How to use green, yellow, and pink in a sentence? The phone goes green, green, green, I pink it up, and say yellow. | [-1.41154677e-02 2.88673695e-02 3.50163803e-02 -5.58209606e-02
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3,788 | 3,789 | Why did the Greeks want Helen back so bad? Are you kidding? She was the most beautiful woman in the world! Can you imagine what her sons would of looked like? | [-8.31014663e-02 -6.02193503e-03 6.26590326e-02 6.67624995e-02
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3,789 | 3,790 | Pirates used to wear eye patches because they had hooks for hands | [-5.60903028e-02 7.99793154e-02 1.21273100e-03 -8.91321432e-03
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3,790 | 3,791 | I've written a book called, 'How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money'. It's available in all good bookshops priced 149.99. | [-3.48254927e-02 8.39428753e-02 2.22583557e-03 2.44623087e-02
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3,791 | 3,792 | What do you call a computer that can sing really well? A Dell. | [-3.65032232e-03 -3.97063680e-02 -4.12164740e-02 -3.73417288e-02
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3,792 | 3,793 | What does JCPenny and teenagers have in common? Pants 50% off | [ 3.09892837e-02 3.69192846e-02 1.27087638e-03 -2.67791189e-02
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3,793 | 3,794 | Do you ever get that creepy deja vu feeling? [credit](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/2tc8bn/how_do_you_subtly_fuck_with_people/cny3ig0) | [-1.29740864e-01 1.01882489e-02 9.04343277e-02 4.19337414e-02
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3,794 | 3,795 | Do you know how to disappoint a fellow redditor? [deleted] | [-5.92618585e-02 -2.26952950e-03 6.17595902e-03 3.70828100e-02
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3,795 | 3,796 | Some kid was being annoying so I hit him on the face with a baseball bat. He started crying and I didn't even bat an eye. | [ 3.11147533e-02 1.20751277e-01 7.89949484e-03 1.67609006e-02
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3,798 | 3,799 | Ok everyone enough of your "family" time, come back to the internet. We are your real family. | [-2.96547990e-02 -5.69764562e-02 2.56180465e-02 -3.09017971e-02
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3,799 | 3,800 | If green gummy bears are strawberry flavored, what is the flavor of yellow gummy bears? PHLEGMon | [-3.31874453e-02 -3.07352785e-02 2.37023365e-02 8.16473737e-03
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