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3,800 | 3,801 | Then: Me: I want McDonald's Mom: Do you have McDonald's money? Now: Mom: I want grandkids Me: Do you have grandkids money?? | [-1.24213742e-02 8.93368125e-02 3.77475172e-02 2.24937145e-02
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3,801 | 3,802 | The worst thing a woman can ask a man is "Guess what today is." | [-8.24709702e-03 1.06941625e-01 8.11090916e-02 5.23185246e-02
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3,802 | 3,803 | I've been hearing a lot about mass murderers lately.... It must be a scary time to be catholic. | [ 9.26208720e-02 -1.54995359e-02 -5.65481782e-02 1.20901875e-02
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3,803 | 3,804 | Why don't they have sex ed and drivers ed on the same day in the middle east? There are never enough camels to go around. | [ 7.45352358e-02 7.53006488e-02 6.56776875e-02 7.40193203e-02
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3,804 | 3,805 | Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I'm getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON! | [ 6.38390034e-02 -2.04464272e-02 1.09621054e-02 7.05021247e-02
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3,805 | 3,806 | What is a tresspasser's least favorite number? The number 86. (No seriously. Google "86".) | [ 4.43635024e-02 6.60061613e-02 2.86070369e-02 -5.94875403e-03
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1.33396685e-01 2.13900255e-03 8.42970423e-03 -4.55176868e-02] |
3,806 | 3,807 | "That goddamn janitor drew a dick on the chalkboard again!" (Bad Will Hunting.) | [-5.43624945e-02 6.29154369e-02 1.07200705e-02 1.46687180e-02
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3,807 | 3,808 | How do you determine the sex of a chromosome? Pull down its genes | [-4.39093411e-02 9.02596414e-02 -5.70816062e-02 2.30729263e-02
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3,808 | 3,809 | Why doesnt ray charles see his friends ? Because he is married . | [ 5.14267273e-02 -1.14897070e-02 7.49793183e-03 2.12135836e-02
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3,809 | 3,810 | How is circumcision like the Great Jedi Purge? They both get rid of the force kin! | [ 4.39117383e-03 6.23165406e-02 -1.20389240e-03 -2.54816492e-03
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3,810 | 3,811 | I tried bringing sexy back but the lady at Walmart assured me I didn't get it there. | [-2.94052977e-02 5.51229157e-02 7.64346495e-02 8.54084715e-02
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3,811 | 3,812 | Teacher : Can't you retain anything in your head overnight ? Pupil : Of course I've had this cold in my head for two days ! | [-8.93756095e-03 6.77930191e-02 1.68283656e-02 7.16661215e-02
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3,812 | 3,813 | I've been cheating on you guys. Lately, I've been spending my time on my job and real life. They don't mean anything to me, I swear. | [-6.60573691e-02 -5.45994453e-02 6.49883002e-02 1.21967252e-02
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3,813 | 3,814 | Out of? Mom (about her son): Look at these marks Jim has scored... 8.. 10... 7.. Dad: Out of? Mom: Out of pity! | [-2.57478524e-02 8.27005580e-02 2.37107202e-02 -1.05056341e-03
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2.99401544e-02 -3.47431749e-02 1.97828263e-02 5.31116426e-02] |
3,814 | 3,815 | Adam Sandler would have the most kills. His jokes are all dead | [ 5.22150751e-03 -7.57114664e-02 -4.36902456e-02 -8.36848170e-02
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7.62586519e-02 -1.98284779e-02 3.96667644e-02 6.41192961e-03] |
3,815 | 3,816 | The second best "asm" is "sarc." | [-5.30895703e-02 -1.07553475e-01 -1.23495556e-01 4.63792868e-02
-5.41419201e-02 4.07270901e-02 1.07736140e-01 6.69951588e-02
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3,816 | 3,817 | What do you call a cow that's just had a baby? De-calfinated! | [-6.89877048e-02 -4.78192121e-02 9.76132171e-04 6.08763583e-02
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3,817 | 3,818 | Did you hear about the kidnapping at the elementary school? It's ok now, he woke up. | [ 1.90897994e-02 4.52486537e-02 5.22839325e-03 3.07775531e-02
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3,818 | 3,819 | The blonde and the calculator Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and seven on a calculator? A: She couldn't find the 10 key. | [-4.08108085e-02 -4.22561131e-02 3.26044932e-02 2.56291460e-02
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3,819 | 3,820 | Please end the Jew jokes. I had a relative that died in a concentration camp. Poor bastard fell right out of the guard tower. | [ 1.66833438e-02 1.36894569e-01 -4.48358320e-02 3.79077978e-02
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3,820 | 3,821 | Feeding your cat a vegan diet is actually pretty easy. The trick is to cut up the vegans in to very small chunks first. | [ 7.53850639e-02 -1.86784342e-02 4.35627662e-02 2.29887832e-02
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3,821 | 3,822 | What was the name of the knight who sat all the way around the Round Table? Sir Cumference. | [ 9.45599377e-03 6.46030158e-02 -1.38547987e-01 -1.13808820e-02
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3,822 | 3,823 | [scale says I've gained 5 pounds] Me: It's probably just what I'm wearing. Wife: You're naked. Me: Wife: Me: It's a heavy deodorant. | [-3.74449752e-02 7.94946626e-02 7.66683966e-02 1.48405433e-01
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3,823 | 3,824 | My therapist told me cats are not babys, so i let my let my baby shit in his office. | [ 4.33270894e-02 4.38066982e-02 -2.63640620e-02 1.05937958e-01
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3,824 | 3,825 | [gf falls asleep during a movie] ME: aw [i get a blanket] ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum's riddles | [-9.52014979e-03 8.18527639e-02 2.59983633e-02 5.72479330e-02
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3,825 | 3,826 | "Why was the Amish girl excommunicated ? Too Mennonite." - Hitchens | [ 1.61826070e-02 9.76285785e-02 -2.03344468e-02 2.05803216e-02
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3,826 | 3,827 | What happened when the butcher backed up into his meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work. | [-7.52116665e-02 4.29183654e-02 -2.78968345e-02 9.85139757e-02
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3,827 | 3,828 | I'm in favour of same sex marriage That's mainly because I've been having the same sex with my wife for the past 20 years | [-9.45915841e-03 -1.68270357e-02 -1.65056922e-02 -2.76851412e-02
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3,828 | 3,829 | Way into "Game of Thrones". Are there any shows that are games of other kinds of chairs? | [ 2.56872028e-02 -2.86583155e-02 -3.00651547e-02 -2.45757382e-02
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3,830 | 3,831 | Hey babies, I can do 12 push-ups. Impressed? Doap. Typo, meant babes. Impressed? No? Oh. Well then. Impressed babies? | [-2.78260047e-03 -2.74524912e-02 -4.38484438e-02 -5.93282655e-03
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3,831 | 3,832 | Get the sand out your vagina. if you loose a player match and don't want your rematch bcuz your too pussy, why still try and talk shit xD. | [ 7.20818341e-03 1.85637362e-02 8.83887485e-02 -7.95591101e-02
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3,832 | 3,833 | Last night my friend Gavin overdosed on heart burn medicine...... I can't believe Gaviscon. | [-3.90828475e-02 5.73592400e-03 -1.09726209e-02 -1.56990066e-02
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3,833 | 3,834 | Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode. PATENT PENDING!! | [-1.11561231e-01 5.65973520e-02 6.00624867e-02 -3.89140919e-02
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3,834 | 3,835 | What do you call someone incapable of eating people? A can't-ibal | [ 3.02817039e-02 -7.27535458e-03 -5.62813655e-02 6.23374581e-02
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3,835 | 3,836 | Did you hear about the half-assed hitman? He assinated his targets. | [ 6.91191629e-02 6.09903857e-02 8.93698074e-03 4.60545719e-02
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3,836 | 3,837 | Did you hear about the blonde who put "Sagittarius" at the bottom of application forms where it said "Sign Here". | [-3.64781506e-02 -8.07993487e-02 3.27543728e-02 5.97149804e-02
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3,837 | 3,838 | Why are European cars the lightest? because there's no Americans sitting in them. | [ 9.71290469e-02 6.44791722e-02 3.50308530e-02 1.07059486e-01
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3,838 | 3,839 | Women with large breasts are generally more successful than men with large breasts. | [ 1.46255895e-01 -3.99361225e-03 -1.47869680e-02 -3.33917700e-02
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3,839 | 3,840 | Wine doesn't have many vitamins. That's why you have to drink a lot of it. | [ 5.30678146e-02 -4.44081053e-02 -7.37304911e-02 4.28028628e-02
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3,840 | 3,841 | I seriously thought the slang phrase 'This place is 'crackalackin!', actually meant 'This place is lacking white people'. | [ 3.44249457e-02 -3.62448841e-02 3.44703831e-02 5.49812466e-02
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3,841 | 3,842 | I have an intense fear of hiccups Luckily, I only ever have one. | [-5.87587431e-03 2.46329121e-02 6.58251494e-02 2.84744762e-02
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3,842 | 3,843 | Kanye's acceptance speech on the VMA's | [ 5.30520342e-02 8.03992450e-02 5.64629175e-02 -1.72742084e-02
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3,843 | 3,844 | Native Americans are all pissed that we took their land when they were here first... ..but we made reservations. | [ 1.15017101e-01 3.30834799e-02 2.57751029e-02 4.13251761e-03
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3,844 | 3,845 | A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can't even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble. | [-8.15057848e-03 -1.13531714e-02 7.54098743e-02 6.75849915e-02
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3,845 | 3,846 | So Jack helps you off the horse. Will you help Jack off the horse? | [-6.10640906e-02 -1.25696072e-02 4.71315160e-02 -4.59928019e-03
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3,846 | 3,847 | They say don't go to a grocery store when you're hungry But I ran out of food a week ago | [ 2.79850531e-02 2.42020860e-02 9.52977804e-04 5.77058569e-02
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3,847 | 3,848 | Why did Anakin Skywalker cross the road? To get to the dark side... | [ 4.40934636e-02 2.92068645e-02 1.66310724e-02 7.63188303e-02
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3,848 | 3,849 | What did Adam say the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve! | [ 2.44092080e-03 1.35709330e-01 3.07025611e-02 3.50231342e-02
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3,849 | 3,850 | What did the hummingbird do to his girlfriend? He nectar! | [-1.70574822e-02 6.68938830e-02 4.68239933e-02 3.16460175e-03
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3,850 | 3,851 | What do you call a black pilot? You call him a pilot! you racist! | [ 1.29797198e-02 8.18338394e-02 -1.06838338e-01 5.15141524e-02
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3,851 | 3,852 | What do you call a cow with no sense of humor ? A feminist | [ 4.97242473e-02 -1.32898510e-01 -7.61391521e-02 8.38647336e-02
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3,852 | 3,853 | For everyone who's looking, here's a handy list of all the reasons to vote for Donald Trump: There aren't any. | [ 3.57531719e-02 -6.98529407e-02 8.96744430e-02 -4.28153910e-02
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3,853 | 3,854 | Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental. | [-2.53471378e-02 1.64944641e-02 1.69467349e-02 2.96593774e-02
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3,854 | 3,855 | implant permanent instagram filters on the cornea of my eyes so everything I see looks nostalgic and vintage | [-5.69503456e-02 2.93622799e-02 8.47255215e-02 -6.44475280e-04
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3,855 | 3,856 | All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow. | [ 4.48516048e-02 7.43787289e-02 5.53877354e-02 1.37602892e-02
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3,856 | 3,857 | Will you date me? breathe if yes, swim across the atlantic ocean while reciting the bible in japanese if no | [-3.72797139e-02 3.63656282e-02 9.84485075e-02 2.08242033e-02
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3,857 | 3,858 | What Do You Call a Girl Who Doesn't Do Kegels? A lazy cunt! | [-1.86534841e-02 -4.36733328e-02 4.21805531e-02 -2.36172564e-02
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3,858 | 3,859 | It may seem like I have my shit together, but honestly I just learned how to spell February correctly. | [ 2.38567144e-02 -2.72971112e-02 9.11504254e-02 3.21891308e-02
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3,859 | 3,860 | If you tickle a billionaire, will he trickle himself? | [-4.35792888e-03 -5.53782796e-04 -8.88409931e-03 -6.26977719e-03
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3,860 | 3,861 | I had a masturbation addiction. I beat it. | [ 6.15911335e-02 9.66136716e-03 8.02772194e-02 7.69163370e-02
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3,861 | 3,862 | Why do the people in front of me at the ATM always seems to be having some sort of damn major financial crisis? | [ 7.67945051e-02 -4.75352891e-02 2.50775348e-02 3.88507731e-02
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3,862 | 3,863 | Just found out my wife has cooties. I'm headed to the clinic to get tested. So many emotions right now" | [-1.13094710e-02 -8.39182734e-03 1.88762583e-02 4.72669825e-02
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3,863 | 3,864 | I will let someone cut the line I'm waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind. | [-1.25921220e-01 2.76776403e-02 9.08583775e-03 -5.77931590e-02
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3,864 | 3,865 | What do you call a white slave? Whipped cream. | [-1.80175118e-02 3.95499691e-02 -5.74975386e-02 4.87685353e-02
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3,865 | 3,866 | What is moist, smells great, and is for dinner tonight? My poop | [ 2.60481116e-04 -3.75405774e-02 3.92937660e-02 4.19169851e-02
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3,866 | 3,867 | How much does a midget stripper with three kids get paid? Mini-mom wage. | [-2.12871507e-02 4.20657918e-03 -2.24621240e-02 2.59607211e-02
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3,867 | 3,868 | My friend Stephen misheard me when I invited him to this CrossFit gym. He's going to have a hell of a time running in stilettos. | [-1.71883963e-02 5.47936070e-04 -4.62002354e-03 1.32629331e-02
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3,868 | 3,869 | How do you get an 80 year-old woman to swear? How do you get an 80 year-old woman to yell "F*ck"? You get another 80 year-old woman next to her to yell "BINGO" | [ 7.53659056e-03 5.99602126e-02 -6.83608232e-03 -1.54821966e-02
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3,869 | 3,870 | How do you get to the front page of reddit ? Lack of originality | [-3.05700265e-02 -5.95703833e-02 -3.70362028e-02 1.96106490e-02
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3,870 | 3,871 | What's Thom Yorke's reddit? /u/KarmaPuhlease | [-7.90148526e-02 -2.07991246e-02 2.06444915e-02 8.03842396e-03
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3,871 | 3,872 | My father's kids won't get this... ...love. | [-5.38819656e-02 5.87262474e-02 3.08893099e-02 2.09290385e-02
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3,872 | 3,873 | A guy walks into a bar with a gun and shouts "Which one of you fuckers is reposting jokes on r/jokes?" A voice from the back called out "I don't think you have enough bullets m8." | [-6.91877827e-02 -3.42921652e-02 -2.90999319e-02 4.69101779e-02
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3,873 | 3,874 | my career as a Walmart greeter was cut short when the manager noticed me singing "Welcome to the Jungle" to every customer | [-1.52791133e-02 7.51731992e-02 6.12708144e-02 -4.04117070e-03
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3,874 | 3,875 | My wife walked in on me last night and shouted, "What the hell are you doing with that ivory and gold dress?" I said, "It's not what it looks like!" | [ 8.35351355e-04 1.09943464e-01 5.49805835e-02 9.10062268e-02
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3,875 | 3,876 | The Reds are going to The Series this year. | [-2.88939625e-02 -1.70571096e-02 -4.51260470e-02 2.88209338e-02
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3,876 | 3,877 | "It goes from zero to sixty in 5 seconds." "Great. And exactly how much cocaine can I fit in the glove box?" - Anyone buying a white BMW | [ 3.96539569e-02 1.11525401e-01 -9.62319225e-03 3.66116613e-02
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3,877 | 3,878 | Why did the cardiologist bake a cake with partially hydrogenated oil? Because he took the hypocritic oath | [ 7.27569014e-02 1.16439953e-01 -1.07509654e-03 8.24334696e-02
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3,880 | 3,881 | Pappu:- Should i punished for the work which I have not done?? Teacher: - No of course not, but why do you ask? Pappu: - Because, I have not done my home work.... :) :) | [-3.61552350e-02 1.18655741e-01 1.06161060e-02 -8.74410570e-02
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3,881 | 3,882 | What did grandma say to grandpa while in bed? Keep it up! | [-4.45473641e-02 9.76142958e-02 2.19486412e-02 -2.30861995e-02
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3,882 | 3,883 | What do you call an ugly dinosaur? An Isaurus Rex | [-7.72347152e-02 6.68759197e-02 1.55417183e-02 9.08014327e-02
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3,883 | 3,884 | Q: What do birds give out on Halloween? A: Tweets. | [ 1.37467775e-03 1.06699690e-01 4.89592664e-02 3.97759862e-02
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3,884 | 3,885 | What do you call a rooster with erectile dysfunction? Boneless chicken. | [-6.64275419e-03 -3.49459685e-02 -7.64834322e-03 6.31982908e-02
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3,885 | 3,886 | Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way. | [ 7.60701820e-02 7.39881471e-02 -1.19345738e-02 2.75638909e-03
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3,886 | 3,887 | My father once told me, "Son, you're not an African't American, You're an African American't." Just kidding. I'm black. I don't have a father. | [ 2.36161314e-02 1.56924650e-02 -7.22225085e-02 4.62159179e-02
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3,887 | 3,888 | 9 guys walk into a gay bar... They don't come out. | [ 6.72926828e-02 -5.92264012e-02 -6.25842204e-03 -1.38879484e-02
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3,888 | 3,889 | A Priest, a rapist and a pedophile walk into a bar... he orders a drink. | [-4.24376093e-02 4.38586362e-02 -7.73578063e-02 -1.64904986e-02
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3,889 | 3,890 | I now have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it. | [-7.29228854e-02 6.87935352e-02 1.94010828e-02 -4.04247791e-02
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3,890 | 3,891 | Siri, answer all of my toddler's stupid questions. | [-7.74892280e-03 1.78362057e-02 3.08279395e-02 -2.74406802e-02
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3,891 | 3,892 | A guy got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his dick... Now he can play with his money, watch it grow, and you can't find a girl who can't blow a hundred dollars. | [-5.71424291e-02 8.57376531e-02 -3.72886918e-02 -3.65904607e-02
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3,892 | 3,893 | This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and...oh...nope, never mind I'm being robbed. Guys I'm being rob | [ 3.65293324e-02 5.52428439e-02 2.78068725e-02 -2.22527571e-02
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3,893 | 3,894 | [Job interview] "What would you say is your greatest strength?" "Sticking my fingers in people's mouths." "Arhghv-um-hirv-ok-hrbsj-hired" | [-8.22948366e-02 9.69777331e-02 -5.85416257e-02 -1.24781169e-02
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3,894 | 3,895 | Apparently the unbuttoning of a shirt and letting your hair down for a cop only works for women. | [-5.39088063e-02 4.97334227e-02 2.28238907e-02 7.08815083e-02
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3,895 | 3,896 | Men with itchy butts Have smelly fingers | [ 1.93457063e-02 -6.58619106e-02 4.78651375e-03 -3.95271601e-03
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3,896 | 3,897 | What do American beer and sex on a boat have in common? Both are fucking close to water. | [ 2.35924888e-02 1.95993334e-02 -3.10845207e-02 3.14383879e-02
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3,897 | 3,898 | On November 9th... Me: "I guess President Hillary Clinton is with VP Tim Kaine now. And both feeling pretty high. You could say she's ....co-Kaine! Hahah!" Wife: "Trump won." Me: "Shit..." | [-9.66487005e-02 -1.30329444e-03 5.56642637e-02 3.08696888e-02
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