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4,000 | 4,001 | I told my girlfriend that I wanted to be cremated... I then told my family that I had no specific burial requests, just make sure that they don't have me cremated, no matter what. | [-5.16445599e-02 1.01530679e-01 2.49808915e-02 -1.76992938e-02
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4,001 | 4,002 | Ethics of the police | [-6.79015815e-02 1.28555968e-01 -6.55958429e-02 -3.51252556e-02
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4,002 | 4,003 | How many brits are needed to change a light bulb None they just terminate their apartment contract. | [ 1.03468008e-01 -5.61259687e-02 3.23554315e-02 -5.01667708e-02
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4,003 | 4,004 | Conjecture: At some point in 2013, our neighbors will get so high that they accidentally sell their own weed. For weed money. To buy weed. | [ 1.49753522e-02 1.14121111e-02 -1.73525289e-02 -3.38914022e-02
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-2.25563906e-02 -1.96679607e-02 2.19704546e-02 8.19786042e-02] |
4,004 | 4,005 | Diary June 28 1954 So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can't tell anybody this. June 30 1954 I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok | [-7.02132508e-02 7.67812282e-02 -8.80492851e-03 3.50044854e-02
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4,005 | 4,006 | I have a new job. I'm a dressing room attendant for dancers at a strip club. $300/week. That's not much, but it's all I can afford. | [ 9.89007880e-04 -6.28166497e-02 3.25266570e-02 3.89489979e-02
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4,006 | 4,007 | What's the difference between a fish and a mountain goat? Fish muck about in fountains... | [ 6.46802559e-02 3.41064632e-02 5.92019036e-02 -1.58709828e-02
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4,007 | 4,008 | So what do Islam and Subway Sandwich Shop have in common? A: They both had a pedophile spokesman. http://www.citizenliberty.com/2015/11/so-what-do-islam-and-subway-common.html | [-4.41533364e-02 9.37296823e-03 -1.74327046e-02 2.21869946e-02
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4,008 | 4,009 | Did you hear about that new species of mosquito? It's called the Nickelback, it really sucks. | [-4.90393043e-02 -2.19782516e-02 6.23094477e-02 -5.38481735e-02
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4,009 | 4,010 | What spends a good 3 hours a day in my hand? *hint* it starts with P and ends with S. Pens! :D ... wait what were YOU THINKING?!?!?! | [-2.41377521e-02 -1.45994863e-02 4.22554277e-02 6.52902871e-02
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4,010 | 4,011 | It's so cold this morning I had to seperate my dogs poop into two seperate bags and use them as hand warmers. | [ 3.96931870e-03 -1.95148960e-02 2.99052913e-02 1.01856247e-01
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4,011 | 4,012 | What if Stephen Hawking is the real Slim Shady? But we'll never know, because he can't stand up? | [-2.63600107e-02 -3.21958289e-02 5.40172402e-03 2.49856766e-02
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4,012 | 4,013 | if it's called morning wood for men then what is it for women.. Morning dew. | [ 1.58872418e-02 6.60335273e-02 3.90180387e-02 1.29318029e-01
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4,013 | 4,014 | Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro. | [ 3.04488502e-02 5.58710247e-02 -4.58537377e-02 3.00440434e-02
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4,014 | 4,015 | make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet. | [ 5.69268130e-02 6.54482618e-02 4.47468981e-02 -6.12876602e-02
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4,015 | 4,016 | Duck you AutoCorrect! You Blimb! I'm way more BadApps than you make me out to be! You Ducking piece of shed..BuckFace Toothless Bastilleday! | [-4.24831919e-02 -1.23149874e-02 1.60896517e-02 -2.71196272e-02
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4,016 | 4,017 | What is a polygon? A dead parrot. | [ 9.69800428e-02 1.48793748e-02 -1.80660877e-02 -1.15839168e-02
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4,017 | 4,018 | How do you reheat a cold war? You nuke it. | [ 1.33413849e-02 4.25335541e-02 -2.16200808e-03 8.36637393e-02
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4,018 | 4,019 | Why shouldn't you let your kids run more than a mile? Because at the second mile they get raped. | [ 5.64531237e-02 3.73892114e-02 1.60183441e-02 2.81305742e-02
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4,019 | 4,020 | Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water. | [-1.04984539e-02 4.58950847e-02 -5.30433431e-02 -5.97192906e-04
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4,020 | 4,021 | How did a sexy but unqualified Japanese woman get voted into public office? Erections | [-2.69688722e-02 1.67951100e-02 7.99343269e-03 1.15071647e-01
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4,021 | 4,022 | Whats the difference between a canoe and a jew? One tips the other doesn't. | [ 2.22492255e-02 4.48275208e-02 -1.90209821e-02 4.87281308e-02
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4,022 | 4,023 | What do you call a black guy in a museum? Antique farm equipment | [-5.98898232e-02 9.72380713e-02 -7.26332441e-02 3.07018608e-02
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4,023 | 4,024 | What's the difference between a Snowman and a Snowwoman? **SnowBalls!** | [-1.52287567e-02 1.52920205e-02 1.65502690e-02 1.82805136e-02
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4,024 | 4,025 | After today the rest of the world will get "FOUR MORE YEARS!" without having to hear about the US election. | [ 7.98081458e-02 6.17394783e-03 9.60490778e-02 -5.01633026e-02
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4,025 | 4,026 | LPT: Never use hyperbole. | [ 3.93471420e-02 3.68440598e-02 -4.08432772e-03 -7.09753931e-02
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4,026 | 4,027 | Lubricant?? ... Lubri-CAN!!! | [-7.86882266e-02 -8.50023404e-02 5.05377352e-02 5.37214465e-02
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4,027 | 4,028 | Whenever I walk into a crowded men's room, I shout So this is where all the dicks hang out! | [ 2.98787560e-02 -5.15963472e-02 -3.39594483e-02 -7.27956882e-03
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4,028 | 4,029 | If you're American & I ever hear you use the word "whilst," this I swear: you will not live to see the 3rd season of Sherlock. | [ 9.45145115e-02 -1.22423515e-01 2.22934713e-03 -4.43898849e-02
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4,029 | 4,030 | How can you tell if a groom is Polish? He would be the one with the clean bowling shirt. | [-5.62712476e-02 6.76100776e-02 1.92946941e-02 -2.05850471e-02
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4,030 | 4,031 | Barber: Were you wearing a red scarf when you came in? Customer: No. Barber: Oh dear! Then I must have cut your throat. | [-1.31578390e-02 9.71806049e-02 -1.69914551e-02 3.69086340e-02
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4,031 | 4,032 | Toucan: Albanians kidnap Liam Neesons bird | [-8.73821527e-02 3.65692936e-02 -2.99192518e-02 2.89378110e-02
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4,032 | 4,033 | [Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler? No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously]. Oh, good. [Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to | [-1.09560508e-02 3.07141226e-02 -3.52588855e-02 -1.71777774e-02
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4,033 | 4,034 | To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!! | [-2.30910792e-03 1.54595766e-02 2.51639057e-02 6.56529889e-02
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4,034 | 4,035 | Who's your dad's cousin's cousin's daughter to you? A potential Tinder date. | [-4.79045697e-02 -5.01580797e-02 -1.75195485e-02 -3.91119458e-02
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4,035 | 4,036 | did you hear about the psychic midget who escaped from prison? he is a small medium, at large | [ 3.65381036e-03 4.02078703e-02 -1.71140791e-03 4.52929065e-02
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4,036 | 4,037 | mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren't being eaten. So. I guess it's probably horrified-screaming my language. | [ 7.66986161e-02 -3.09313666e-02 8.71969908e-02 2.39730887e-02
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4,037 | 4,038 | I was screwing this African woman last night, she kept yelling the N word It was really hard to concentrate with her screaming no the entire time | [-2.40597539e-02 4.00762409e-02 -2.29645167e-02 6.26663938e-02
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4,038 | 4,039 | What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? SNOWBALLS | [-4.89308778e-03 6.89959154e-03 5.70713251e-04 2.73485668e-02
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4,039 | 4,040 | my glass eye is freaking you out? sorry I didn't real eyes. | [ 9.79668200e-02 -9.35601369e-02 1.86338071e-02 2.13125441e-02
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4,040 | 4,041 | Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there's a wine sampling booth that day? | [-6.38794899e-02 6.99528009e-02 3.46117700e-03 -1.71337239e-02
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4,041 | 4,042 | What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a Harley Davidson? The vacuum has the dirtbag on the inside. | [-2.50100251e-02 8.46780911e-02 1.60985105e-02 -1.61786191e-02
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4,042 | 4,043 | How can you tell if someone is having a stroke? There is lotion and used tissues laying around | [ 1.07802479e-02 -1.31185874e-02 4.01140079e-02 -3.64854583e-03
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4,043 | 4,044 | Hey you know how people say they hate math because it doesn't make sense? I think that is unfair because math loves them. The problem is that math shows its love by playing hard to get. | [ 9.20988328e-04 7.99842272e-03 8.98255408e-02 -3.01119965e-02
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4,044 | 4,045 | I was doing so well getting over my viagra addiction... But I couldn't keep it up. | [-4.05865163e-02 -2.11582463e-02 1.88401639e-02 6.66567907e-02
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4,045 | 4,046 | A girl runs up to her mother with a pile of crap in her hand "Look what I almost stepped in!" | [-7.45551735e-02 1.22706117e-02 2.29076575e-02 5.87558514e-03
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4,046 | 4,047 | I grow herbs in my bed. Bed thyme. | [ 3.73381865e-03 -1.47502366e-02 1.20769981e-02 6.41323812e-03
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4,047 | 4,048 | Am I crazy... ... or does it smell like boogers in here? | [ 1.21946961e-01 -7.97863528e-02 4.37861569e-02 5.67145040e-03
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4,048 | 4,049 | Why did Barbie never get pregnant? Because Ken came in a different box. Badum tiss. | [-2.89438665e-03 1.36651788e-02 -1.89057328e-02 3.60834338e-02
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4,049 | 4,050 | I got kicked out of a store trying to buy condoms All I wanted was to use their fitting room! | [-2.44143810e-02 6.38626814e-02 1.76686533e-02 8.62191245e-03
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4,050 | 4,051 | I went to a show at the zoo, but the monkeys went wild and stated flinging poo at everybody... What a shit show | [ 1.01480596e-02 -7.21063167e-02 5.20180725e-02 1.36807160e-02
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4,051 | 4,052 | What did the ghost say to the bee? Boo bee! | [-1.16401603e-02 6.00806549e-02 2.10468601e-02 7.25857392e-02
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4,052 | 4,053 | The UK Government has decided to make LSD legal as a drug for weight loss It makes sense if you think about it. It's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it... | [ 2.29275916e-02 6.34997385e-03 4.80218511e-03 -9.05815512e-03
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4,053 | 4,054 | No matter how angry you get about something... ... you can't any angrier than a midget with a yo-yo. | [ 3.03889196e-02 3.86632383e-02 3.19510251e-02 -3.44060138e-02
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4,054 | 4,055 | Telling someone they can't be sad because others have it worse, is like telling someone they can't be happy because others have it better! | [ 5.28078945e-03 6.78509325e-02 1.45266987e-02 3.26672383e-02
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4,055 | 4,056 | COW: I'm constipated DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol C: ur doing puns right now? DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao | [-1.24318460e-02 -8.54150057e-02 7.01706707e-02 5.14737740e-02
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4,056 | 4,057 | Donald Trump's presidential campaign emerges victorious! title | [-9.13565885e-03 9.80231538e-03 5.64209037e-02 -7.85453320e-02
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4,057 | 4,058 | Me: You should be nicer to me. You'll never have another dad. 5-year-old: Don't be so sure. Mom is pretty. | [-5.65957576e-02 -7.50031043e-03 9.27395374e-02 1.39131900e-02
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4,058 | 4,059 | What do vegan zombies eat? Graaaaains! | [-5.26810326e-02 3.72736454e-02 -3.81756686e-02 3.85961719e-02
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4,059 | 4,060 | How many alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb? To get to the other side! | [ 5.95650263e-02 -1.37193892e-02 -1.58313941e-02 5.75365946e-02
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4,060 | 4,061 | What does a gay man and a rhubarb have in common? It's not right to call them a fruit. | [ 6.42231330e-02 2.71695890e-02 -1.07411027e-01 5.03858924e-02
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4,061 | 4,062 | "WE WILL FIGHT TO THE DEATH! After you try this delicious glazed poultry I've prepared for you all." --General Tso | [-4.20673192e-02 5.51138306e-03 -4.58906451e-03 1.65904481e-02
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4,062 | 4,063 | Did you hear about the new Die Hard where Willis Infiltrates a Corrupt Nunnery? "*Bad Habits Die Hard.*" | [ 1.2970175e-02 -1.1611805e-01 -1.9555762e-02 4.9555242e-02
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4,063 | 4,064 | Don't cry because it's over, smile because it was pizza. | [-5.81581369e-02 4.65531386e-02 9.58483741e-02 8.35408922e-03
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4,064 | 4,065 | What US state has the most cows? Moosouri! | [ 6.54648766e-02 -8.45249891e-02 -1.07840355e-03 5.64020611e-02
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4,065 | 4,066 | I'm trying to get on your good side, but I haven't found it yet. | [-1.22978821e-01 -1.50161737e-03 -3.30247469e-02 4.19803150e-02
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4,066 | 4,067 | What happened when fire and the wheel were invented? People got lit and turnt. | [-3.95877175e-02 7.18275383e-02 -1.66932202e-03 9.57014635e-02
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4,067 | 4,068 | What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest? A suicide vest will blow you. | [ 4.51569892e-02 3.22626904e-02 -7.70795941e-02 2.77212039e-02
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4,068 | 4,069 | 'How to Win Friends & Influence People' is getting a sequel How to lose friends and alienate people. | [-7.98179656e-02 3.83056863e-03 3.62579450e-02 -3.08403792e-03
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4,069 | 4,070 | I have a job crushing pop cans. It's soda pressing. | [-1.16781250e-01 -1.79798901e-02 1.85679011e-02 -8.00868962e-03
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4,070 | 4,071 | Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you. | [ 3.31328548e-02 1.11451842e-01 1.60904691e-01 1.15170509e-01
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4,071 | 4,072 | What do prison and the Caps Lock button have in common? They both turn "o" into an "O". | [-3.21907662e-02 5.74132428e-03 -8.14097971e-02 3.92857678e-02
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4,072 | 4,073 | Two cannibals are eating a math teacher. Another approaches, and asks.. "Hey, can I have sum?" | [-5.23377657e-02 7.95162395e-02 -2.19742637e-02 2.58402005e-02
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4,073 | 4,074 | Why did both Germany and the U.S want to hire Apes during World War Two? Because they are excellent at waging Gorilla warfare! | [-6.86773136e-02 1.56841446e-02 6.76898882e-02 2.78533064e-02
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4,074 | 4,075 | The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man. | [ 5.94379157e-02 -5.37021309e-02 2.32521705e-02 1.20514762e-02
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4,075 | 4,076 | If a British person calls 911 and says, "It's a bloody mess" how does the operator know if there's blood or the person is just being British | [ 2.44464111e-02 1.66837312e-02 7.45299039e-03 -5.68854697e-02
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4,076 | 4,077 | What do you call a prematurely born Chinese baby? Sudden Lee | [-7.18166977e-02 1.05136290e-01 -2.61717439e-02 1.08864039e-01
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4,077 | 4,078 | Two drums and a cymbal jump off a cliff... Ba dum tss. | [ 6.45942427e-03 1.10382307e-02 2.37038955e-02 -5.91323152e-02
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4,078 | 4,079 | The United Nations is like a black father You know it exists but it's just never there when you need it . | [-2.30656154e-02 3.07941642e-02 -5.18084690e-02 7.19494885e-03
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4,079 | 4,080 | What do dissecting a frog and explaining a joke on Reddit have in common? Both are shitty novelties. | [-2.15871502e-02 -5.30036166e-02 4.09224220e-02 1.28809335e-02
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4,080 | 4,081 | What's the tallest building in [insert your town/city here] The Library, it has the most stories...... | [ 8.27614218e-02 1.99643988e-02 -1.83688998e-02 5.02629802e-02
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4,081 | 4,082 | The thing about statistics is, if you gather enough, you'll find a coincidence. | [ 3.08136307e-02 -8.43463615e-02 -1.17533626e-02 2.88669430e-02
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4,082 | 4,083 | Remember when... ... the General Motors jobs were in Flint, and you couldn't drink the water in Mexico. And now... | [ 2.43998645e-03 8.19405913e-03 3.12267486e-02 6.88116103e-02
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4,083 | 4,084 | I'm writing a movie script about a group of Kenyan refugees who are breaking track records in a suburban American high school... I call it, "Fast times at Ridgemont High" | [-4.81162518e-02 -2.14831511e-04 -2.59685721e-02 1.96942519e-02
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4,084 | 4,085 | Our topic today: Should we legalize monster trucks? We'll speak to monster truck expert Kevin, age 8. He believes they are "cool and big." | [ 1.44820781e-02 7.38970861e-02 1.11229848e-02 -2.96315886e-02
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4,085 | 4,086 | What do you call a Muslim woman without a burka? Dead. | [ 1.03660626e-02 8.09697583e-02 -1.15521424e-01 6.68982342e-02
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4,086 | 4,087 | I am 99% sure USA's Student's t is 2.576. Because America got an infinite degree of freedom. | [ 6.08542822e-02 2.32006200e-02 3.81175391e-02 1.52536463e-02
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4,087 | 4,088 | Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won't try new foods. | [-4.25183289e-02 -2.82161720e-02 -3.98603342e-02 1.87795947e-03
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4,088 | 4,089 | This week is the 40th anniversary of the Rubik's Cube. If you kids don't know what a Rubik's Cube is, it's what people would stare at without human interaction before cellphones. | [-4.15432863e-02 5.57315908e-02 3.78329344e-02 1.74152218e-02
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4,089 | 4,090 | Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring? | [-9.02472138e-02 -4.81608659e-02 3.06378044e-02 -2.29079020e-03
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4,090 | 4,091 | Why did the cz-75 get the girl pregnant? It took too long to pull out. | [-5.76456711e-02 1.02546550e-01 -8.82083084e-03 8.82088840e-02
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4,091 | 4,092 | SATURDAY TIP: simply because mother has fallen asleep that's no reason to stop the footrub | [-1.93036217e-02 1.99862570e-02 5.04987575e-02 1.16099343e-02
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4,092 | 4,093 | "Want to hear a joke about potassium?" "Yes" "K" | [-4.13358696e-02 1.01944348e-02 2.26614308e-02 3.87478471e-02
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4,093 | 4,094 | Your momma's so fat... ...that when I asked her what her what her favorite time of the year was, she said, "dinner time." | [ 2.82382369e-02 -2.56914319e-03 -4.04016022e-03 9.39043835e-02
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4,094 | 4,095 | What's the difference between a knife, and an argument with a female? A knife has a point... | [-6.79489051e-04 2.05098223e-02 -6.17823862e-02 4.80284840e-02
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4,095 | 4,096 | *pays $20 for deluxe car wash* *hits roughly 3,287,998 bugs during 2 mile drive home* | [ 4.03228290e-02 8.91257375e-02 1.09165698e-01 2.75108614e-03
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4,096 | 4,097 | I've got a friend who's a psychopath and he's got a brilliant sense of humour. He kills me! | [ 2.33431403e-02 -6.13679178e-02 -8.28361791e-03 2.19969116e-02
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4,097 | 4,098 | I hit some kid riding a skateboard today, on the way to work. On a lighter note, I'm selling a lightly used skateboard. | [ 3.39239724e-02 1.57909766e-02 1.88338179e-02 1.10007599e-02
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4,098 | 4,099 | How many hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb? I don't know, but my basement's still dark | [ 9.86574516e-02 -2.89859120e-02 -7.22498447e-02 3.88117656e-02
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4,099 | 4,100 | "I'm hungry!" says your sister... "Hi Hungry, I'm Dad" your father replies Two hours later, your dad says, "I'm fucking hungry!" | [-1.20236846e-02 3.40869091e-02 -3.73799019e-02 3.14621776e-02
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3.55012789e-02 -1.71492305e-02 -9.38400850e-02 1.67782791e-02
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1.82676278e-02 -1.49082933e-02 2.57471781e-02 4.20757756e-02
1.04503572e-01 9.13894027e-02 2.30375607e-03 -6.42780587e-02] |
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