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3,500 | 3,501 | Thank god this election is over. .....I almost forgot what real commercials were like. | [ 7.91145954e-03 -5.44158369e-02 3.43574546e-02 -3.54755409e-02
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3,501 | 3,502 | The 'M' in 'MTV now stands for 'MISCELLANEOUS'. | [ 6.02147803e-02 -3.80047075e-02 2.95999777e-02 -2.38815341e-02
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3,502 | 3,503 | I don't really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids' history textbooks. | [-1.74251460e-02 4.85653579e-02 2.99643688e-02 -3.04499455e-02
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3,503 | 3,504 | So I guess these Brazillian jokes aren't happening Neymar? | [-4.14442085e-02 -1.13083571e-02 6.25132862e-03 -4.62572929e-03
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3,504 | 3,505 | If I exit the bathroom stall singing "Break On Through (To The Other Side)", it's best to avoid shaking my hand. | [ 5.85935032e-03 -8.75118896e-02 8.00601766e-02 -5.12201414e-02
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3,506 | 3,507 | Body: I'm sooooooo tired Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES | [-2.33624205e-02 8.15385580e-02 2.24636421e-02 3.36145312e-02
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3,507 | 3,508 | Pinot? I hardly noir. | [ 6.38616383e-02 -6.39068633e-02 -5.34074381e-02 6.66918755e-02
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3,509 | 3,510 | What do you call always having a date for New Year's Eve? Social Security. | [-2.32927948e-02 6.22353330e-02 5.81788179e-03 5.74171431e-02
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3,510 | 3,511 | Before and After marriage! What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyonce. | [-9.60806236e-02 2.66976152e-02 3.36540416e-02 3.09369992e-02
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3,511 | 3,512 | Be a firefighter they said, Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said, Youre misinformed they said, We're calling the police they said | [ 6.28850562e-03 4.54304069e-02 2.86801979e-02 4.35535721e-02
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3,512 | 3,513 | What did the prostitute catch when she went out with 5 fishermen? ... A big red snapper | [-7.16048554e-02 4.96250205e-02 -3.08202747e-02 4.78007831e-02
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3,513 | 3,514 | What's another name for the Periodic Table of elements? The atoms family. | [-2.25731637e-02 -4.58433814e-02 -1.16843350e-01 5.18451147e-02
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3,514 | 3,515 | A cucumber made a dill with the devil. He's in quite a pickle now. | [-4.73291725e-02 2.61816066e-02 1.14329197e-02 6.33650124e-02
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3,515 | 3,516 | How many Will Ferrell's does it take to change a light bulb? One, AND IT'S NOT FUNNY! | [ 4.67627496e-02 -4.79292385e-02 -1.86999161e-02 3.29629192e-03
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3,516 | 3,517 | I just pretended to be on my phone in the elevator and then my phone rang. I'm going to close up shop emotionally for the day | [-4.47097942e-02 1.34124933e-02 1.14652522e-01 6.30848529e-03
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3,517 | 3,518 | Why did the bear eat his mate? He called her 'honey', then got hungry. | [-2.95726359e-02 6.22716211e-02 6.35289922e-02 1.13002926e-01
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3,518 | 3,519 | "my son, can I ask why you're carrying two HUGE crucifixes?" Well father, I've been... Double-crossed *God starts breakdancing* | [-7.71042518e-03 7.71796256e-02 6.88457303e-03 -2.66507864e-02
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3,519 | 3,520 | Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly: "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," replies Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" | [-6.42111227e-02 -1.14609636e-02 4.22070641e-03 7.84093812e-02
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3,520 | 3,521 | Never drink and derive You'll integrate something you don't need. | [ 5.14838286e-03 2.58096922e-02 6.70541450e-03 3.10697462e-02
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3,521 | 3,522 | I used to think revenge was a dish best served cold... But now I know it actually means "getting back at somebody". | [-5.56513444e-02 -2.23479350e-03 2.63773389e-02 1.34163303e-02
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3,522 | 3,523 | Until I had kids I didn't realize that "bouncing off the walls" was actually a literal statement. | [ 9.75103974e-02 -8.51316363e-05 4.45243306e-02 1.28585488e-01
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3,523 | 3,524 | [OC] What do you call a suicidal mathematician smoking weed? Hypotenuse | [ 1.89459994e-02 3.68159600e-02 -1.11253448e-01 3.98775609e-03
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3,524 | 3,525 | So a seal walks into a club. The end. | [ 4.53848504e-02 3.14167775e-02 -3.60112339e-02 5.97993545e-02
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3,527 | 3,528 | What are the pigs warned to look out for in New York? Pigpockets. | [ 1.03084773e-01 2.64672190e-02 3.27939428e-02 2.83555835e-02
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3,528 | 3,529 | My dad said "Always leave them wanting more." That's how he lost his job in disaster relief. | [ 8.15233588e-02 6.65922239e-02 2.53862552e-02 4.47562858e-02
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3,529 | 3,530 | You can only push me so far before I breakdance. | [-2.14695036e-02 -1.08243711e-01 1.40463961e-02 -1.55266915e-02
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3,530 | 3,531 | [candy store] ME: I'd like to return this Tic Tac. CLERK: It looks partially eaten. ME: It's still in... CLERK: Don't ME: ...mint condition. | [-7.56952763e-02 9.13161933e-02 2.78147534e-02 1.15516093e-02
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3,531 | 3,532 | I bet deaf people get really confused when they talk to someone who is applying hand lotion... | [-6.89001009e-03 -6.73565716e-02 8.09867978e-02 -1.55455871e-02
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3,532 | 3,533 | What do snotty vegetables do when they see something they don't like ? They 'turnip' their noses. | [ 1.09883398e-01 -3.85542065e-02 -5.22753457e-03 6.74777701e-02
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3,533 | 3,534 | My 6yo daughter's teacher just gave me a "Most Improved Ponytail" award. | [-3.32347793e-03 4.85900827e-02 3.96867432e-02 -2.91080922e-02
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3,534 | 3,535 | How many gnomes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just the two, really. Or as many as will fit, if theyre feeling frisky. | [ 5.60039505e-02 -5.10282218e-02 3.14014172e-03 4.42839507e-03
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3,535 | 3,536 | TIFU by getting meatball marinara instead of steak and cheese... Oops, wrong sub | [-3.06691956e-02 -7.98920169e-02 -7.74651824e-04 -1.27092106e-02
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3,536 | 3,537 | Why are hamburgers essential to football? Because the game is played on a griddle-iron! | [-5.08128200e-03 4.83155921e-02 -2.42608264e-02 -2.61679813e-02
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3,537 | 3,538 | Breaking News:Will.i.am has eye removed. Now he's just Will Am (I'm sorry it only works in speech form) | [-3.18091176e-02 2.14137603e-02 8.06350932e-02 -5.38840424e-03
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3,538 | 3,539 | my book club evolved into a fight club so gradually I almost didn't notice | [ 1.88455731e-02 -8.93447176e-02 -4.77487482e-02 9.05303881e-02
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3,539 | 3,540 | You can tell Tim Horton's is a Canadian franchise, because my donut just apologized for making me fat. | [ 1.98459867e-02 5.97309433e-02 7.80536085e-02 2.10364703e-02
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3,540 | 3,541 | Today I have learnt - if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens. | [-8.54505450e-02 -2.92007495e-02 3.51055190e-02 -6.22762293e-02
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3,541 | 3,542 | It must be pretty bad being the wife of a suicide bomber... Because if they come home after work, they've had a bad day. | [ 5.85853495e-02 3.41618843e-02 4.77069877e-02 5.46075962e-02
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3,542 | 3,543 | Why did the cheese get sent to the asylum? Coz 'e-mmental! | [ 3.53125855e-02 2.98052523e-02 2.71937307e-02 5.25831841e-02
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3,543 | 3,544 | If a hobbit were to bake a hairstyle, what would he make it out of? Frodo | [-1.09801330e-02 1.02272175e-01 -3.22976820e-02 -6.53084461e-03
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3,544 | 3,545 | What are french journalists good at catching? Bullets. | [ 1.13352183e-02 4.01602276e-02 -1.60904191e-02 -5.16097434e-02
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3,545 | 3,546 | What did the snake say when offered a piece of cheese ? Thanks I'll just have a sliver ! | [-7.90337175e-02 7.70724341e-02 -5.82355587e-03 7.76462927e-02
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3,546 | 3,547 | Daughter: Here you go! Me: You're my favorite. Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite! Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote. | [ 1.51798483e-02 2.55274214e-02 5.19291498e-02 -5.60895503e-02
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3,547 | 3,548 | I'm not the man you'd hoped for or even the man you wanted me to be. Perhaps you should have just once seen in me, the man I am. | [-2.66212765e-02 3.49198258e-03 5.78402095e-02 3.26407216e-02
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3,548 | 3,549 | Ever since we lowered our ceilings here at the shipyard, sails have gone through the roof. | [ 2.38836389e-02 1.15869552e-01 4.82475497e-02 5.00410236e-02
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3,549 | 3,550 | I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful. In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside. | [ 6.76254481e-02 3.59513015e-02 4.83078733e-02 1.13178238e-01
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3,550 | 3,551 | will somebody tell my friend its spelled "gif" not "gf" and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer | [-1.16102360e-02 -7.15980083e-02 1.89376641e-02 -8.88203159e-02
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3,551 | 3,552 | Why do Native Americans like being invited to Thanksgiving dinners? Because usually they're stuck with reservations. | [ 1.28646702e-01 4.32674475e-02 4.05081734e-02 5.86357489e-02
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3,552 | 3,553 | Plot twist: name your pets after passwords. | [-4.41655144e-02 -4.82273800e-03 -1.13103893e-02 -1.21288178e-02
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3,553 | 3,554 | I actually loved the Twilight: Eclipse movie until I realized I was actually in an alley drunk watching two cats fight over a dead mouse. | [ 3.13272327e-02 -1.04649430e-02 2.36535687e-02 -1.45198749e-02
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3,554 | 3,555 | I had a funny dream last night Mom. Did you? I dreamed I was awake but when I woke up I found I was asleep. | [ 7.50897676e-02 -1.40135605e-02 1.37082487e-02 4.11941558e-02
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3,555 | 3,556 | I wanted to make my racing snail faster.. So I took off its shell. If anything it became a lot more sluggish. | [ 9.21116099e-02 1.48655310e-01 3.70678380e-02 2.84525268e-02
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3,556 | 3,557 | I hope the friends that haven't called me in a while know how much I appreciate that. | [-8.02414715e-02 -1.38085720e-03 8.22988972e-02 1.04127778e-03
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3,557 | 3,558 | Why are ships referred to as "she" A fortune is spent trying to make them look pretty and without a man at the helm, they become an unpredictable death trap. | [ 2.00710036e-02 3.25770229e-02 5.35147861e-02 1.04480684e-01
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3,558 | 3,559 | Box of condoms = $6.99 Cashier's face when you ask where the fitting room is = Priceless | [-2.41343789e-02 5.01644425e-02 -2.15483997e-02 4.60190289e-02
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3,559 | 3,560 | Just yelled "I will strangle you in front of your pets" out of my window to a car that cut me off in traffic on a highway in New Jersey. | [ 4.66194563e-02 8.91925916e-02 5.56711592e-02 2.43382230e-02
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3,560 | 3,561 | Know why I make my pot brownies with chocolate laxatives? For shits and giggles. | [ 1.52274882e-02 -9.51886103e-02 3.55357900e-02 7.25264475e-02
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3,561 | 3,562 | When your girlfriend says "I love you" reply with "I love you more!" Because relationships are competitions that must be won. | [-2.79964767e-02 9.64869373e-03 6.92264065e-02 -4.80624810e-02
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3,562 | 3,563 | My Asian friend came out .. My Asian friend came out to his dad today and said "Dad I'm gay" . His dad after being angry for a moment said, "why not Gay+" | [ 6.86267018e-02 7.77636990e-02 -3.53395976e-02 3.61343548e-02
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3,563 | 3,564 | GUIDE TO BEING BATMAN: 1. Lose parents, inherit everything 2. Let people get murdered 3. Never murder the Joker cause he's the best at puns | [ 4.45014052e-02 5.75129921e-03 -6.40722215e-02 -2.89405528e-02
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3,564 | 3,565 | It's an age-old question, but which came first, the chicken or the egg? The rooster. | [-5.31932227e-02 2.82263793e-02 -2.79418398e-02 2.30216328e-02
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3,565 | 3,566 | [outside a blazing house] Firefighter: ... Me: ... Firefighter: ... Me: ... There was a spider. | [-6.41034823e-03 7.54436404e-02 -1.56533495e-02 3.09840664e-02
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3,566 | 3,567 | I like my coffee like I like my wives, From a third world country at a reasonable price. | [-6.51953975e-03 -8.29429459e-03 3.61910649e-02 8.44770670e-02
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3,567 | 3,568 | What is a computer virus? A terminal illness. | [-4.10088934e-02 2.42913049e-02 -2.64563616e-02 -3.85282151e-02
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3,568 | 3,569 | PRANK: ask someone what's on their shirt and when they look down give them a perm | [-2.85712741e-02 7.05849677e-02 -7.25814374e-03 -2.79441122e-02
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3,569 | 3,570 | Hey dude that invented the unicycle... Where were you wanting to go ? then not go, then go, then not go, then get bored and juggle | [ 2.68737208e-02 2.79703569e-02 -3.88709418e-02 5.15957884e-02
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3,570 | 3,571 | I can't come tonight, couldn't get a babysitter.. It is really difficult to get a babysitter when you don't have any children. | [-4.19473909e-02 -4.73565981e-02 2.38138195e-02 6.16973527e-02
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3,571 | 3,572 | You can't run through a campground, you can only ran Because it's past tents | [ 5.68189807e-02 2.32604984e-02 -4.01918255e-02 2.03640796e-02
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3,572 | 3,573 | Q: What's the best place to photograph Clinton Administration officials? A: A police lineup. | [ 6.90543577e-02 -1.11123780e-02 1.95074175e-03 1.49410823e-02
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3,573 | 3,574 | I dont know if this is old but anyway What would you rate hitlers invasion of poland I personally would rate it nein out of ten Thankyou goodnight | [-6.30027205e-02 1.17248602e-01 -4.66103554e-02 -2.93127242e-02
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3,574 | 3,575 | Do not email me when my bill is ready, email me when someone has paid it, thank u. | [-3.82327437e-02 4.87078875e-02 2.50853132e-02 -3.65516134e-02
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3,575 | 3,576 | What happens if you steal in Afghanistan? You get Talibanned | [-7.62122348e-02 5.11989892e-02 9.76207480e-03 -4.09628339e-02
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3,576 | 3,577 | If she's not ruining your life.....She's just not that into you. | [-1.80343669e-02 3.52203026e-02 8.06412101e-02 -3.94172296e-02
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3,577 | 3,578 | There's this dog teaching me some new dance moves. He's a corgi-ographer. | [-4.38000485e-02 -2.19665337e-02 3.05105280e-02 -4.67575043e-02
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3,578 | 3,579 | I feel sorry for Piers Morgan. He's basically Piers Morgan, trapped in Piers Morgan's body. | [ 5.66901192e-02 -7.47964438e-03 9.08809453e-02 1.10786501e-02
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3,579 | 3,580 | 1000 shrinks donate hair samples to create genetically optimized SuperShrink for Donald Trump He he... | [-1.12557262e-01 5.10632247e-02 -1.65085010e-02 -7.97180366e-03
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3,580 | 3,581 | Mattel released a Muslim Barbie... It's a blow-up doll. | [ 5.68114920e-04 9.31305736e-02 6.67048059e-03 -2.03991886e-02
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3,581 | 3,582 | my wife's divorcing me and i asked reddit for help i hit the lawyer, what now | [-4.28832173e-02 2.75431592e-02 1.97065026e-02 5.93142621e-02
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3,582 | 3,583 | Spent the day removing $550,000,000 worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart. | [-1.03567354e-02 1.57159492e-01 3.18958871e-02 6.57847524e-02
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3,583 | 3,584 | Don't save a spot for someone who won't make an effort to stay. | [ 1.03822216e-01 -1.56935621e-02 3.51414643e-02 -1.61437728e-02
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3,584 | 3,585 | How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. | [-1.13663422e-02 1.01855502e-01 -1.47567969e-02 4.22574133e-02
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3,585 | 3,586 | "Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees" "DAD?!" [next day] "Where you going with that broom handle?" "Checkin for squirrels" | [-3.55954235e-03 7.30075762e-02 5.18491231e-02 2.84658279e-02
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3,586 | 3,587 | Holding a friend's phone for her. Just texted "put a ring on it" to five random male names. Stay tuned. | [-8.08982700e-02 -3.15953866e-02 4.42302302e-02 -3.89494114e-02
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3,587 | 3,588 | Acid is like a woman. A good one will eat right through your pants. | [ 2.08158866e-02 -5.37706316e-02 -4.90151253e-03 5.46315759e-02
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3,588 | 3,589 | "Getting real tired of your crap..." Said no dung beetle ever. | [-1.41136432e-02 5.59521951e-02 3.51949334e-02 3.06072477e-02
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3,589 | 3,590 | What do you call an amphibian in hiding? Incognitoad. | [-2.07145349e-03 6.26913980e-02 -1.99162327e-02 -9.57121793e-03
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3,590 | 3,591 | Dear lady, $14 is crazy for an airport sandwich but complaining to the counter guy is like telling a cop to pull troops out of Afghanistan. | [-1.23545900e-02 4.63353358e-02 7.41248876e-02 1.45200910e-02
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3,591 | 3,592 | After mating, a female Praying Mantis kills & eat's the male. Guess she knows it's easier to claim life insurance rather than child support. | [-6.61623105e-02 7.03522936e-02 -4.51838300e-02 -1.00972236e-03
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3,592 | 3,593 | Dad got his son a birthday card A dad got his son a bday card that said "Holey cow! It's your birthday!" And it had a picture of a cow with holes in it. | [-6.35306239e-02 1.05820291e-01 -2.73864847e-02 1.91878211e-02
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3,593 | 3,594 | I personally think that Halloween should be moved To November 8 (it'll be more scary) | [-3.25283664e-03 -2.05171499e-02 3.67831584e-04 -2.93471981e-02
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3,594 | 3,595 | Only dead fish go with the flow. | [-1.85139179e-02 8.03609472e-03 -3.92350219e-02 -4.65791151e-02
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3,595 | 3,596 | Why did Jesus deactivate his Instagram account? Because he only had 12 followers. | [-1.63894091e-02 1.34522486e-02 1.35704027e-02 -2.52783075e-02
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3,596 | 3,597 | I got my wife tickets on a cruise ship. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic. | [ 5.41632902e-03 1.75132304e-02 4.22721021e-02 6.80325180e-02
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3,597 | 3,598 | Q: Have you seen the polish mine detector. A1: Put you fingers in your ears and start stamping the ground with your foot. | [-5.74898385e-02 4.77255955e-02 1.40127875e-02 -4.40244526e-02
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7.96347708e-02 6.28655311e-03 5.42845130e-02 4.03110757e-02] |
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