ysharma/short_jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

ID int64 1 232k	Joke stringlengths 10 200
6,701	My life flashed before my eyes... ...Turns out I'm epileptic and died from the seizure.
6,702	News: Don't panic about Ebola, but please watch this nonstop coverage about how it could spread everywhere and kill you. Don't panic though.
6,703	People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
6,704	Shout out to slugs for doing everything a snail does without a helmet
6,705	Getting a girlfriend is a lot like getting a car The more money you have, the more options you have.
6,706	Why can a T-Rex not touch his toes? Because he's extinct
6,707	I think I'm going to give away my old Dyson vacuum cleaner. It's just collecting dust.
6,708	Why do hamburgers feel sad at barbecues? They get to meet their old flames!
6,709	A duck walks into a bar... Quack!
6,710	A woman is like a parachute can refuse at any time, that's why you need to have a spare one.
6,711	What is a cannibal's favorite fruit? Granny Smith
6,712	What happens to a laffy taffy joke in the rain? It makes me laugh a little bit, in the rain.
6,713	My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I'm off to find a bar with a mirror.
6,714	What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you drink through that?"
6,715	I'll admit that my jokes are cheesy, but even then the ones I find hilarious my friends don't find funny at all They must be laughtose intolerant
6,716	Yo mama so fat, when she went to Hogwarts for the first time, the sorting hat said "Awwwwww hell 'naw!!"
6,717	What is the worst animal std? Gatoraids
6,718	Watching X-Men. Hard to believe that all this stuff actually happened.
6,719	Subreddit for cleanjokes? Anyone know of one? TIA
6,720	What do you call a farmer in the army? E.I. G.I Joe.
6,721	Am I the first with a Roof joke? Hope so. What is the source of Roof's racism? When he was young, his friends teased him by calling him Rufus.
6,722	What adjective do you use to describe a bad pun? Pungent
6,723	Life as a penis must be hard.
6,724	Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch ? He was the skipper !
6,725	There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
6,726	Trump is such a good businessman that he literally wrote the book on business! Everyone should read it! Its too bad that it only goes up to chapter 11 though...
6,727	How can you tell that your waitress is having a bad day? She has a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
6,728	Son of a Beach So I like digging. I am going to go the beach and become a professional digger. Professional digger.
6,729	What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
6,730	How do you spell hypocrisy? R-E-L-I-G-I-O-N
6,731	Whats the difference between Trump and Hitler? About 70 years
6,732	Whoa, calm down, person actually swimming in the swimming pool.
6,733	What makes Kirby a great all-around fighter? He's all round.
6,734	Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends...? Because he's married. ;_; (I'll see myself out).
6,735	I had a very confusing time when I tried to buy a Wii in France.
6,736	Oscar Pistorius... wanted a new bathroom door, but his girlfriend was dead against it.
6,737	On the set of a movie... "Alright folks that's a wrap" "Actually sir it's a panini" "Ugh..Take five" But there weren't enough paninis for everyone to take 5
6,738	Did you hear about the man who bought a bucket load of Tipp-ex last week? Big mistake.
6,739	Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
6,740	What did Tony the Tiger say to the kids playing baseball? "Theeeeeeeeey Never expect the Spanish Inquisition!"
6,741	"No no no!" said the enraged businessman to the persistent salesman. "I cannot see you today!" "That's fine" said the salesman "I'm selling spectacles."
6,742	I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a crying baby. Apparently that's not allowed if it's yours.
6,743	How to comfort a Grammar Nazi "They're Their There"
6,744	The best thing about sex with your sister... ...is that if she gets pregnant, you can just blame your dad.
6,745	Static cling is just physics showing us how much it loves us.
6,746	What do you call a lesbian Eskimo? A Klondike.
6,747	What do you call a gay dentist? The Tooth Fairy
6,748	I finally figured out the problem with our firewall last night. It was a real breakthrough! //Actually used that this morning. Manager did not notice, I did not explain.
6,749	Did you know Helen Keller had a swing-set in her back yard? ...neither did she
6,750	Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room The bear isn't dead it is just afraid to move.
6,751	What did the baby corn say to the Mom corn ? Where is Popcorn ?
6,752	Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except one... ...he's never gonna give you Up.
6,753	I burned a kid in a wheelchair today. Hot wheels.
6,754	I saw 300 lbs crammed into a pair of small yoga pants so now I understand how the Tardis on Dr. Who is real.
6,755	Thank you student loans for getting me through college I don't think I can ever repay you.
6,756	Q: What's brown and in a baby's diaper? A: Michael Jackson's hand !!
6,757	I'm recovering from necrophilia and beastiality... I would tell you about it, but I'd be beating off a dead horse.
6,758	I ejaculated six feet earlier. Strange, usually I ejaculate semen.
6,759	I bet a lot of people have tried that "See you next year!" joke at the end of December but got proven wrong by dying in a DUI.
6,760	Why is DJ Khaled's favorite number 11? Cuz it has another 1
6,761	How many babies does it take to paint a wall? Depends how hard you throw them
6,762	I've just found my iPhone autocorrects "cunt" to "Cynthia." Which means somewhere in Steve Jobs' past is a woman with one HELL of a story.
6,763	Which came first the chicken or the egg? The chicken of course, an egg cannot cum! Made this up in my sleep sorry if offends any egg lovers..
6,764	A large hole appeared outside the local police station. They're looking into it.
6,765	If your date asks what you do for a living, just say "You let me worry about that."
6,766	My friend asked me today what the name of the show is where they go fishing and catch all the crabs..I said "Jersey Shore"...Was I wrong?
6,767	drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor "See, nobody suspected a thing"
6,768	What is 20 inches long and makes women scream at night? A stillborn
6,769	When I met my wife I knew she was a keeper She was wearing massive gloves.
6,770	Why do black people have nightmares? Because the last guy who had a dream got shot
6,771	Alright, so, two Jews walk into a shower I bet you can finish this one
6,772	Kevin Bacon likes to play Six Degrees of Everybody Else.
6,773	GREETINGS MORTAL, YOU MAY ASK ME ONE QUE- "what's the deal with airline food?" GODDAMNIT JERRY HOW DO YOU KEEP FINDING THIS CRYSTAL
6,774	this month's full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn't be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
6,775	How are eating a girl out and working for the CIA similar? One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit. (Thanks to u/Gary_III for pointing out the mistake last time
6,776	You know you're old when you watch a horror movie where annoying, partying college kids get murdered and you identify with the killer.
6,777	So I got kicked out of the library the other day... For moving all the women's rights books to the fiction section.
6,778	Every night someone breaks into my house & dresses me for the next day. I guess I'd be more upset if it wasn't saving me time in the morning
6,779	Interviewer: Your resume only has "Mad" under "Skills" Me: Yeah boyee Interviewer: tears up You're just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
6,780	New E Sport So there is a doctor in NYC that came down with ebola...he went bowling the night before admittance, created new sport...eboling
6,781	Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves!
6,782	Pick a number, now add 7, divide by 4, write it down. Now get an apple, name it, show it a picture of your cat. Now go to bed,you're drunk.
6,783	Why did the plane crash? Because the pilot was a loaf of bread. (my wife tells this joke to everyone and no one but me has ever laughed)
6,784	Whats the best part of living in Switzerland? Im not too sure either but the flags a big plus.
6,785	My mom asked me if I would still date a girl who had cancer and lost her hair from chemo. i told her, "Of course, that just means she has better head!"
6,786	Did you hear about the short-sighted circumciser? He got the sack..
6,787	Please pray for the people still playing Farmville on Facebook.
6,788	How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just Juan
6,789	I entered the word bit*h into my GPS and guess what, I'm in your driveway!!
6,790	I'm gonna buy some cheese and put it behind glass with a sign that reads "In queso emergency, break glass"
6,791	A collection of OC jokes!
6,792	Here lies IcarusIsNotLonely, upon his gravestone lie his last words: "Oh fuck, a car!"
6,793	If I'm facing away from you during sex, assume I'm quietly enjoying a snack.
6,794	Where do fat people live? Obe-city
6,795	What's a pirates favorite letter? You think it's the "R" but it's really the "C". Happy talk like a pirate day!
6,796	How do you turn soup into gold? You add 24 carats!
6,797	FUN FACT: Teens in the late 1800s sent/received an average of 75 telegrams a day.
6,798	sees person I know in a crowd waves enthusiastically * realizes I don't know person* * changes enthusiastic wave to awkward fist pump*
6,799	What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? Get in the car Robin
6,800	Getting a prostate exam doesn't make you gay... Unless you spend all day studying for it.

6,701

My life flashed before my eyes... ...Turns out I'm epileptic and died from the seizure.

6,702

News: Don't panic about Ebola, but please watch this nonstop coverage about how it could spread everywhere and kill you. Don't panic though.

6,703

People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.

6,704

Shout out to slugs for doing everything a snail does without a helmet

6,705

Getting a girlfriend is a lot like getting a car The more money you have, the more options you have.

6,706

Why can a T-Rex not touch his toes? Because he's extinct

6,707

I think I'm going to give away my old Dyson vacuum cleaner. It's just collecting dust.

6,708

Why do hamburgers feel sad at barbecues? They get to meet their old flames!

6,709

A duck walks into a bar... Quack!

6,710

A woman is like a parachute can refuse at any time, that's why you need to have a spare one.

6,711

What is a cannibal's favorite fruit? Granny Smith

6,712

What happens to a laffy taffy joke in the rain? It makes me laugh a little bit, in the rain.

6,713

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I'm off to find a bar with a mirror.

6,714

What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you drink through that?"

6,715

I'll admit that my jokes are cheesy, but even then the ones I find hilarious my friends don't find funny at all They must be laughtose intolerant

6,716

Yo mama so fat, when she went to Hogwarts for the first time, the sorting hat said "Awwwwww hell 'naw!!"

6,717

What is the worst animal std? Gatoraids

6,718

Watching X-Men. Hard to believe that all this stuff actually happened.

6,719

Subreddit for cleanjokes? Anyone know of one? TIA

6,720

What do you call a farmer in the army? E.I. G.I Joe.

6,721

Am I the first with a Roof joke? Hope so. What is the source of Roof's racism? When he was young, his friends teased him by calling him Rufus.

6,722

What adjective do you use to describe a bad pun? Pungent

6,723

Life as a penis must be hard.

6,724

Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch ? He was the skipper !

6,725

There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).

6,726

Trump is such a good businessman that he literally wrote the book on business! Everyone should read it! Its too bad that it only goes up to chapter 11 though...

6,727

How can you tell that your waitress is having a bad day? She has a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

6,728

Son of a Beach So I like digging. I am going to go the beach and become a professional digger. Professional digger.

6,729

What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.

6,730

How do you spell hypocrisy? R-E-L-I-G-I-O-N

6,731

Whats the difference between Trump and Hitler? About 70 years

6,732

Whoa, calm down, person actually swimming in the swimming pool.

6,733

What makes Kirby a great all-around fighter? He's all round.

6,734

Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends...? Because he's married. ;_; (I'll see myself out).

6,735

I had a very confusing time when I tried to buy a Wii in France.

6,736

Oscar Pistorius... wanted a new bathroom door, but his girlfriend was dead against it.

6,737

On the set of a movie... "Alright folks that's a wrap" "Actually sir it's a panini" "Ugh..Take five" But there weren't enough paninis for everyone to take 5

6,738

Did you hear about the man who bought a bucket load of Tipp-ex last week? Big mistake.

6,739

Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl

6,740

What did Tony the Tiger say to the kids playing baseball? "Theeeeeeeeey Never expect the Spanish Inquisition!"

6,741

"No no no!" said the enraged businessman to the persistent salesman. "I cannot see you today!" "That's fine" said the salesman "I'm selling spectacles."

6,742

I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a crying baby. Apparently that's not allowed if it's yours.

6,743

How to comfort a Grammar Nazi "They're Their There"

6,744

The best thing about sex with your sister... ...is that if she gets pregnant, you can just blame your dad.

6,745

Static cling is just physics showing us how much it loves us.

6,746

What do you call a lesbian Eskimo? A Klondike.

6,747

What do you call a gay dentist? The Tooth Fairy

6,748

I finally figured out the problem with our firewall last night. It was a real breakthrough! //Actually used that this morning. Manager did not notice, I did not explain.

6,749

Did you know Helen Keller had a swing-set in her back yard? ...neither did she

6,750

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room The bear isn't dead it is just afraid to move.

6,751

What did the baby corn say to the Mom corn ? Where is Popcorn ?

6,752

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except one... ...he's never gonna give you *Up.*

6,753

I burned a kid in a wheelchair today. Hot wheels.

6,754

I saw 300 lbs crammed into a pair of small yoga pants so now I understand how the Tardis on Dr. Who is real.

6,755

Thank you student loans for getting me through college I don't think I can ever repay you.

6,756

Q: What's brown and in a baby's diaper? A: Michael Jackson's hand !!

6,757

I'm recovering from necrophilia and beastiality... I would tell you about it, but I'd be beating off a dead horse.

6,758

I ejaculated six feet earlier. Strange, usually I ejaculate semen.

6,759

I bet a lot of people have tried that "See you next year!" joke at the end of December but got proven wrong by dying in a DUI.

6,760

Why is DJ Khaled's favorite number 11? Cuz it has another 1

6,761

How many babies does it take to paint a wall? Depends how hard you throw them

6,762

I've just found my iPhone autocorrects "cunt" to "Cynthia." Which means somewhere in Steve Jobs' past is a woman with one HELL of a story.

6,763

Which came first the chicken or the egg? The chicken of course, an egg cannot cum! Made this up in my sleep sorry if offends any egg lovers..

6,764

A large hole appeared outside the local police station. They're looking into it.

6,765

If your date asks what you do for a living, just say "You let me worry about that."

6,766

My friend asked me today what the name of the show is where they go fishing and catch all the crabs..I said "Jersey Shore"...Was I wrong?

6,767

*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor* "See, nobody suspected a thing"

6,768

What is 20 inches long and makes women scream at night? A stillborn

6,769

When I met my wife I knew she was a keeper She was wearing massive gloves.

6,770

Why do black people have nightmares? Because the last guy who had a dream got shot

6,771

Alright, so, two Jews walk into a shower I bet you can finish this one

6,772

Kevin Bacon likes to play Six Degrees of Everybody Else.

6,773

GREETINGS MORTAL, YOU MAY ASK ME ONE QUE- "what's the deal with airline food?" GODDAMNIT JERRY HOW DO YOU KEEP FINDING THIS CRYSTAL

6,774

this month's full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn't be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this

6,775

How are eating a girl out and working for the CIA similar? One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit. (Thanks to u/Gary_III for pointing out the mistake last time

6,776

You know you're old when you watch a horror movie where annoying, partying college kids get murdered and you identify with the killer.

6,777

So I got kicked out of the library the other day... For moving all the women's rights books to the fiction section.

6,778

Every night someone breaks into my house & dresses me for the next day. I guess I'd be more upset if it wasn't saving me time in the morning

6,779

Interviewer: Your resume only has "Mad" under "Skills" Me: Yeah boyee Interviewer: *tears up* You're just what we need. Welcome to Subway.

6,780

New E Sport So there is a doctor in NYC that came down with ebola...he went bowling the night before admittance, created new sport...eboling

6,781

Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves!

6,782

Pick a number, now add 7, divide by 4, write it down. Now get an apple, name it, show it a picture of your cat. Now go to bed,you're drunk.

6,783

Why did the plane crash? Because the pilot was a loaf of bread. (my wife tells this joke to everyone and no one but me has ever laughed)

6,784

Whats the best part of living in Switzerland? Im not too sure either but the flags a big plus.

6,785

My mom asked me if I would still date a girl who had cancer and lost her hair from chemo. i told her, "Of course, that just means she has better head!"

6,786

Did you hear about the short-sighted circumciser? He got the sack..

6,787

Please pray for the people still playing Farmville on Facebook.

6,788

How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just Juan

6,789

I entered the word bit*h into my GPS and guess what, I'm in your driveway!!

6,790

I'm gonna buy some cheese and put it behind glass with a sign that reads "In queso emergency, break glass"

6,791

A collection of OC jokes!

6,792

Here lies IcarusIsNotLonely, upon his gravestone lie his last words: "Oh fuck, a car!"

6,793

If I'm facing away from you during sex, assume I'm quietly enjoying a snack.

6,794

Where do fat people live? Obe-city

6,795

What's a pirates favorite letter? You think it's the "R" but it's really the "C". Happy talk like a pirate day!

6,796

How do you turn soup into gold? You add 24 carats!

6,797

FUN FACT: Teens in the late 1800s sent/received an average of 75 telegrams a day.

6,798

*sees person I know in a crowd* *waves enthusiastically* * realizes I don't know person* * changes enthusiastic wave to awkward fist pump*

6,799

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? Get in the car Robin

6,800

Getting a prostate exam doesn't make you gay... Unless you spend all day studying for it.