ysharma/short_jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

ID int64 1 232k	Joke stringlengths 10 200
6,401	what currency does the sun use? starbucks
6,402	"I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo" -oh, u drive a school bus? "LMAO Hell no! I'm a drug smuggler u nerd"
6,403	Why do cemeteries have fences? People are just dying to get in.
6,404	Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you're just like... nah
6,405	Q: Do you know about the book about copyright infringement? A: It had legal binding.
6,406	The quickest way to a woman's heart is with a scalpel, a bonesaw, a chest spreader, & ten cc's of nothing to lose.
6,407	I like my women like I like my wine. Twelve years old and locked in a cellar.
6,408	How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad!
6,409	Dust bunnies are great pets because they thrive on neglect.
6,410	What type of wife always knows where her husband is? A widow
6,411	What's the difference between Santa and a jew? Santa goes down the chimney, the Jews go up.
6,412	"Its not you. Its me." ~ twins going through a photo album
6,413	Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
6,414	"How long have you been chopping wood for?" "I'm not sure, I'll check the logs"
6,415	imagine getting a bj and the person's hair gets stuck in your chain wallet
6,416	So there were a lot of celebrities at the DNC including Alicia Keys and Katy Perry. Hillary was excited because they are on her iPod. Bill was excited because they were on his to-do list.
6,417	How did the Linux admin commit assault? He sudo bashed someone.
6,418	Q: Where would an eccentric beverage go if it wanted to watch married couples fight and read high quality humor columns? A: To the Drink Quirks Wed Fight.
6,419	What do you call a friendly Mancunian midwife? Ultra sound
6,420	There are 10 kinds of people in the world... Those who know binary and those who don't.
6,421	The doctor asked if I was sexual active. I shook my head and said "Not in front of the wife".
6,422	When 2 Chainz doesn't want to be recognized he just takes off one chain.
6,423	[soup kitchen] homeless man is handed a plate What the hell is this? -Turkey bacon. throws tray against wall I'm hungry! Not desperate!
6,424	Comcast opens an airline. The airplane only goes full speed to certain, partner airports and if the airplane flies further than expected, you're charged per mile.
6,425	It's Friday! I'm as happy as a newborn in a topless bar!
6,426	[showing my 4yo a Slinky] me: look, it's walking down the stairs kid: what else can it do me: literally nothing
6,427	My girl has been eating a lot of Mexican fast food and gaining tons of weight lately, but I'll never stop loving her She's my Taco Belle
6,428	Music star Kenny Rogers announced his retirement yesterday. In other news, Kenny Rogers is still alive, apparently.
6,429	A Meteorologist's best subject is small talk. They only talk about the weather.
6,430	I never wanna "touch base" with anyone, I type it in emails to sound business-y.
6,431	What did the coach say to his star player after he pissed his pants? Hey man urine
6,432	What did Princess Fiona call her husband when she found him in the middle of a gay orgy? Bishrekual
6,433	If I call you cupcake it's because I'm probably going to put my vanilla frosting on your forehead
6,434	Why were the elephants thrown out of the swimming pool ? Because they couldn't hold their trunks up !
6,435	Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
6,436	Rain is just God listening to Bon Iver.
6,437	How do you help a woman going through menopause You hit menoplay
6,438	If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
6,439	Past, Present, and Future walk into a bar. It was tense.
6,440	They're having a Jamaican hair-do day tomorrow at work. I'm dreading it.
6,441	"Nice legs" Swipes right "Nice legs" Swipes right "Nice legs" Swipes right "Nice legs" Swipes right - Spider tinder
6,442	I learned that Honey Bees in the United States developed a form of electronics - they're called U.S. Bees.
6,443	A fat woman just served me at McDonalds... ... and said "Sorry about the wait". I replied and said "Don't worry, you'll lose it eventually".
6,444	two apples enter a bar... ...then I got sued by Apple
6,445	The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
6,446	You teabag But Chuck Norris potato sacks
6,447	What do you call a Dr. that shares your medical history with everyone? a HIPAAcrite
6,448	The problem with feminists... The problem with feminists is that they don't stop talking and I just want to fuck them.
6,449	The shortest distance between two points is always closed due to some bullshit construction that should've been finished a year ago.
6,450	Police headquarters was broken into last night. All the toilets were stolen. Investigators have nothing to go on.
6,451	Me: What's the point if it's not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE. Dentist: Please just floss more
6,452	I drop it like it's an expensive electronic device I've recently purchased.
6,453	How do you assemble a computer? Bit by bit.
6,454	Fish Cakes A guy walks into a bar with a Salmon under his arm and says, "Do you sell fish cakes here?" Bartender: No we don't. Guy: That's a shame... it's his birthday.
6,455	Lawyers really aren't so bad, it's just ninety-nine percent of lawyers that make the rest look bad.
6,456	Man comes to psychologist's office He kicks the door open, enters, leans above the desk, and staring psychologist in the eyes says: "Now, tell me, bald ugly little man, why I don't have any friends?"
6,457	My friend started jogging so he'd live longer. He got hit by a bus and died the next day.
6,458	One of my oldest friends is my receding hairline... We go way back.
6,459	Who is the richest person in the Bible? The Pharao's daughter. She went to the bank of the Nile to pick up a little prophet.
6,460	Jogging, but with a car.
6,461	Always helpful... Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.
6,462	Asians be like... ay bb u wan sum duck?
6,463	What did the racist chess player say? All Rook same!
6,464	[At a bar] Guy: Did it hurt? Me: What? G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
6,465	You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
6,466	Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you've eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right? Hey, fellas
6,467	Girls use lotion for hands Boys use lotion for skin.
6,468	It's taken me ages... ...but I've finally finished reading Stephen Hawking's book. It's about time.
6,469	Why do Asians prefer Sony? Because it's a stereo type
6,470	How do you make a tissue dance ? Put a little boogie in it !
6,471	A fart is just a turd honking for the right of way. Yep
6,472	Snowman in the summer What do you call a snowman in the summer? "A puddle"
6,473	A man and a woman walk into an elevator The man asks the woman, can I smell your feet? The woman looks at him with disgust and says no. The man says, it must be your vagina then.
6,474	Why did the man get sent to jail? Black male
6,475	Want to know why fish tanks are stupid They don't even have a military.
6,476	If you're American when you enter the bathroom, and American when you exit the bathroom, what are you while you're IN the bathroom? European.
6,477	Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you? Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money!
6,478	I kinda want Hillary to win the US election Just for the sheer irony of her sitting at the desk Monica was under.
6,479	What do you call a mexican who lost his car. Carlos
6,480	How does a Muslim close a door? Islams it!
6,481	shoot for the moon, even if u miss u'll forever be the one peopel point at and whispre "thats the idiot who shot literal bulets at the moon"
6,482	Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
6,483	I just assume everyone on my Christmas list has been naughty. Makes things simpler.
6,484	Who's the biggest slut ever? Mrs. Pacman--for 25 cents that bitch swallowed balls till she died.
6,485	I've got a new aardvark. Would you like to play with him? I don't really know. I've heard it growling it doesn't sound very friendly. Does it bite? That's what I want to find out.
6,486	why do they throw shit at a pakistani wedding? keeps the flies away from the bride
6,487	I like my coffee how I like my women... Cold.
6,488	If history has taught me anything, it's that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
6,489	They call me Metal Gear Because my snake is solid
6,490	In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I've put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I'm gonna be sore tomorrow.
6,491	What do you call 4 condoms? For me, a year's supply.
6,492	Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall and sued the construction company for using poor material for building the wall
6,493	People who tie their sweaters around their necks look like they were giving somebody a piggyback ride before the person got Raptured.
6,494	My sister bet me 200 dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti... You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
6,495	What happened to the tasty noun? Verbatim.
6,496	Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
6,497	My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls. She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg. Surgery didn't go well.
6,498	Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword Legolas: And you have my bow Gimli: and my axe Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
6,499	[Last supper] Jesus: Same time next week guys? they all nod Judas: I'll book a table for 12 Jesus: you mean 13 Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
6,500	Who is fastest girl in the world? Answer: Airtel 4G girl.

6,401

what currency does the sun use? starbucks

6,402

"I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo" -oh, u drive a school bus? "LMAO Hell no! I'm a drug smuggler u nerd"

6,403

Why do cemeteries have fences? People are just dying to get in.

6,404

Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you're just like... nah

6,405

Q: Do you know about the book about copyright infringement? A: It had legal binding.

6,406

The quickest way to a woman's heart is with a scalpel, a bonesaw, a chest spreader, & ten cc's of nothing to lose.

6,407

I like my women like I like my wine. Twelve years old and locked in a cellar.

6,408

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad!

6,409

Dust bunnies are great pets because they thrive on neglect.

6,410

What type of wife always knows where her husband is? A widow

6,411

What's the difference between Santa and a jew? Santa goes down the chimney, the Jews go up.

6,412

"Its not you. Its me." ~ twins going through a photo album

6,413

Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.

6,414

"How long have you been chopping wood for?" "I'm not sure, I'll check the logs"

6,415

imagine getting a bj and the person's hair gets stuck in your chain wallet

6,416

So there were a lot of celebrities at the DNC including Alicia Keys and Katy Perry. Hillary was excited because they are on her iPod. Bill was excited because they were on his to-do list.

6,417

How did the Linux admin commit assault? He sudo bashed someone.

6,418

Q: Where would an eccentric beverage go if it wanted to watch married couples fight and read high quality humor columns? A: To the Drink Quirks Wed Fight.

6,419

What do you call a friendly Mancunian midwife? Ultra sound

6,420

There are 10 kinds of people in the world... Those who know binary and those who don't.

6,421

The doctor asked if I was sexual active. I shook my head and said "Not in front of the wife".

6,422

When 2 Chainz doesn't want to be recognized he just takes off one chain.

6,423

[soup kitchen] *homeless man is handed a plate* What the hell is this? -Turkey bacon. *throws tray against wall* I'm hungry! Not desperate!

6,424

Comcast opens an airline. The airplane only goes full speed to certain, partner airports and if the airplane flies further than expected, you're charged per mile.

6,425

It's Friday! I'm as happy as a newborn in a topless bar!

6,426

[showing my 4yo a Slinky] me: look, it's walking down the stairs kid: what else can it do me: literally nothing

6,427

My girl has been eating a lot of Mexican fast food and gaining tons of weight lately, but I'll never stop loving her She's my Taco Belle

6,428

Music star Kenny Rogers announced his retirement yesterday. In other news, Kenny Rogers is still alive, apparently.

6,429

A Meteorologist's best subject is small talk. They only talk about the weather.

6,430

I never wanna "touch base" with anyone, I type it in emails to sound business-y.

6,431

What did the coach say to his star player after he pissed his pants? Hey man urine

6,432

What did Princess Fiona call her husband when she found him in the middle of a gay orgy? Bishrekual

6,433

If I call you cupcake it's because I'm probably going to put my vanilla frosting on your forehead

6,434

Why were the elephants thrown out of the swimming pool ? Because they couldn't hold their trunks up !

6,435

Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week

6,436

Rain is just God listening to Bon Iver.

6,437

How do you help a woman going through menopause You hit menoplay

6,438

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

6,439

Past, Present, and Future walk into a bar. It was tense.

6,440

They're having a Jamaican hair-do day tomorrow at work. I'm dreading it.

6,441

"Nice legs" *Swipes right* "Nice legs" *Swipes right* "Nice legs" *Swipes right* "Nice legs" *Swipes right* - Spider tinder

6,442

I learned that Honey Bees in the United States developed a form of electronics - they're called U.S. Bees.

6,443

A fat woman just served me at McDonalds... ... and said "Sorry about the wait". I replied and said "Don't worry, you'll lose it eventually".

6,444

two apples enter a bar... ...then I got sued by Apple

6,445

The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.

6,446

You teabag But Chuck Norris potato sacks

6,447

What do you call a Dr. that shares your medical history with everyone? a HIPAAcrite

6,448

The problem with feminists... The problem with feminists is that they don't stop talking and I just want to fuck them.

6,449

The shortest distance between two points is always closed due to some bullshit construction that should've been finished a year ago.

6,450

Police headquarters was broken into last night. All the toilets were stolen. Investigators have nothing to go on.

6,451

Me: What's the point if it's not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE. Dentist: Please just floss more

6,452

I drop it like it's an expensive electronic device I've recently purchased.

6,453

How do you assemble a computer? Bit by bit.

6,454

Fish Cakes A guy walks into a bar with a Salmon under his arm and says, "Do you sell fish cakes here?" Bartender: No we don't. Guy: That's a shame... it's his birthday.

6,455

Lawyers really aren't so bad, it's just ninety-nine percent of lawyers that make the rest look bad.

6,456

Man comes to psychologist's office He kicks the door open, enters, leans above the desk, and staring psychologist in the eyes says: "Now, tell me, bald ugly little man, why I don't have any friends?"

6,457

My friend started jogging so he'd live longer. He got hit by a bus and died the next day.

6,458

One of my oldest friends is my receding hairline... We go way back.

6,459

Who is the richest person in the Bible? The Pharao's daughter. She went to the bank of the Nile to pick up a little prophet.

6,460

Jogging, but with a car.

6,461

Always helpful... Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

6,462

Asians be like... ay bb u wan sum duck?

6,463

What did the racist chess player say? All Rook same!

6,464

[At a bar] Guy: Did it hurt? Me: What? G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.

6,465

You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.

6,466

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you've eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right? Hey, fellas

6,467

Girls use lotion for hands Boys use lotion for skin.

6,468

It's taken me ages... ...but I've finally finished reading Stephen Hawking's book. It's about time.

6,469

Why do Asians prefer Sony? Because it's a stereo type

6,470

How do you make a tissue dance ? Put a little boogie in it !

6,471

A fart is just a turd honking for the right of way. Yep

6,472

Snowman in the summer What do you call a snowman in the summer? "A puddle"

6,473

A man and a woman walk into an elevator The man asks the woman, can I smell your feet? The woman looks at him with disgust and says no. The man says, it must be your vagina then.

6,474

Why did the man get sent to jail? Black male

6,475

Want to know why fish tanks are stupid They don't even have a military.

6,476

If you're American when you enter the bathroom, and American when you exit the bathroom, what are you while you're IN the bathroom? European.

6,477

Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you? Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money!

6,478

I kinda want Hillary to win the US election Just for the sheer irony of her sitting at the desk Monica was under.

6,479

What do you call a mexican who lost his car. Carlos

6,480

How does a Muslim close a door? Islams it!

6,481

shoot for the moon, even if u miss u'll forever be the one peopel point at and whispre "thats the idiot who shot literal bulets at the moon"

6,482

Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.

6,483

I just assume everyone on my Christmas list has been naughty. Makes things simpler.

6,484

Who's the biggest slut ever? Mrs. Pacman--for 25 cents that bitch swallowed balls till she died.

6,485

I've got a new aardvark. Would you like to play with him? I don't really know. I've heard it growling it doesn't sound very friendly. Does it bite? That's what I want to find out.

6,486

why do they throw shit at a pakistani wedding? keeps the flies away from the bride

6,487

I like my coffee how I like my women... Cold.

6,488

If history has taught me anything, it's that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

6,489

They call me Metal Gear Because my snake is solid

6,490

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I've put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I'm gonna be sore tomorrow.

6,491

What do you call 4 condoms? For me, a year's supply.

6,492

Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall and sued the construction company for using poor material for building the wall

6,493

People who tie their sweaters around their necks look like they were giving somebody a piggyback ride before the person got Raptured.

6,494

My sister bet me 200 dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti... You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!

6,495

What happened to the tasty noun? Verbatim.

6,496

Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!

6,497

My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls. She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg. Surgery didn't go well.

6,498

Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword Legolas: And you have my bow Gimli: and my axe Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers

6,499

[Last supper] Jesus: Same time next week guys? *they all nod* Judas: I'll book a table for 12 Jesus: you mean 13 Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13

6,500

Who is fastest girl in the world? Answer: Airtel 4G girl.