ysharma/short_jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

ID int64 1 232k	Joke stringlengths 10 200
6,301	Here it is, folks: "Do imaginary octopi have ... (wait for it) (wait for it) PRETENDACLES?"
6,302	If your gift says "from Mom and Dad" you just know Dad has absolutely no idea what's inside it.
6,303	What type of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers
6,304	My wife doesn't believe that auto correct changed "Yes dear" to "Hell no I'm not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am."
6,305	To the guy who named cotton candy: Yes! It looks just like it sounds. To the guy who named Milk Duds: What the hell is wrong with you?
6,306	A bar walks upto a bar... Hows that even possible
6,307	He whispered in my ear that he liked being called daddy. I whispered back that I liked being called a cab.
6,308	If you're nervous about speaking in public just imagine everyone holding a meatball sub. Even if you're not nervous picture it. It's amazing
6,309	"It doesn't matter what you look like on the outside" ME: Oh thank god "It's who you are on the inside" ME: Dang
6,310	Fat people just want to get into your pantries.
6,311	I was in a good mood when suddenly twitter went down & I ran over a blind man, tasered a baby, killed a puppy & set myself on fire.
6,312	How do you say goodbye to a thousand Japanese people? A big wave
6,313	we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
6,314	A lot of people say I'm condescending... (That means I talk down to people)
6,315	My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Espanol marque dos Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
6,316	Learning about frequency is so boring ... It literally Hertz.
6,317	4-year-old: Is there candy in that drawer? Me: No. 4: Can I check? Me: Do you have a warrant?
6,318	How did I sleep in college? I slept like a baby... I woke up every two hours to vomit, shit myself and cry myself back to sleep.
6,319	What does a bug say when it accidentally breaks its exoskeleton? You gotta be chitin me!
6,320	Whenever I conduct a job interview I ask the applicant to name their favorite Muppet, and no matter the answer I scowl and shake my head.
6,321	Cowboy:" Give me three packs of condoms, please." Cashier:" Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" Cowboy: "Nah...She's purty good lookin'...."
6,322	We're gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were "Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!"
6,323	Smiling gives you wrinkles. Resting bitch face keeps you pretty.
6,324	My dad is my inspiration ...cause you never know when it's gonna hit you EDIT: missed a word
6,325	What's big, grey and makes you jump? The elephant of surprise. :)
6,326	My wife's cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.
6,327	ME: Lord, what have I done to deserve this GOD: unfurls a scroll that keeps going for miles Well
6,328	I was watching some porn with a plot the other day It was pretty Fucking stupid
6,329	Many women say a guy who makes them laugh is all they want. They fail to mention all the things it takes to put them in the mood to laugh.
6,330	I used to be a narcissist But now look at me
6,331	You know what Popeye and Napoleon have in common? They both come on those little jugs of Olive Oil.
6,332	I asked my wife for sex recently... She said, "No, it's a super moon, not a blue one".
6,333	TIL A new study shows that women drivers often turn into good drivers So if you're a good driver, look out for women drivers.
6,334	He died doing what he loved, checking his mentions while driving.
6,335	Mothers are always one question from ruining your day.
6,336	What do you call a kid with no legs, no arms and an eyepatch? Names.
6,337	Always carry $100,000 cash on you at all times in case you ever feel like getting a sandwich from an airport.
6,338	How can working with cow hide act in your favor on a first date? As if she's going to lay there and be swayed by some new buck.
6,339	Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir. Man in car: But that's a balloon. Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it'll soon be a dog.
6,340	"I need to find somewhere to park," I told my wife. "What about over there?" she said. "I can't," I replied, "It says between 1 and 9 only." "Well, why is that stopping you?" "I'm 23."
6,341	All my party planning skills revolve around exit strategies.
6,342	Christmas is my favorite four months of the year.
6,343	What happened to the road? Depressions.
6,344	Fe Fi Fo Fum Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
6,345	I have awful jet lag The WiFi on this airliner is just terrible
6,346	I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
6,347	Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as does raise the roof motion bread whaaaat whaaaat
6,348	Homeless people wouldn't be half as poor if they didn't waste all of their money on sharpies and cardboard.
6,349	What was the first 3D printer? Your butthole! *** This joke is awesome because it was created by a third grader where I teach.
6,350	Her: I love that thing you do to make me moan. Me: makes another plate of nachos
6,351	If you just got invited to do something on New Year's Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
6,352	What did Melania Trump say after being stopped by an officer? License and registration, please.
6,353	I like my lovers like I like my golf score Hand drawn, messy, and totally unconvincing.
6,354	Are you afraid of quantum mechanics ? Dont worry, it's gonna be Feynman.
6,355	on my deathbed groggy, dazed, & delirious Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me? Wife: Honey, what's a TC? Me: pulls plug
6,356	Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.
6,357	Vader: I AM your father. Luke: Why are you telling me this now? Vader: Luke: Vader: I need a kidney.
6,358	My mother always told me if you have nothing nice to say join 4chan
6,359	Hate it when people ask me what I will be doing five years from now Come on guys, I don't have 2020 vision
6,360	What is a trailer park's favorite game? Twister
6,361	I've heard that 1 in 3 people have a pedophile as a neighbour. But that can't be right because my neighbours are sexy 5 and 7 year olds.
6,362	"Dance like the photo's not being tagged, Love like you've never been unfriended, Status Update like nobody's following."
6,363	Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair!
6,364	Why did the girl quit her job at the donut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.
6,365	Me: describing criminal Well he was kind of muffled laughter "sketchy". Police Sketch Artist: sighs heavily Get out.
6,366	So a proctologist is examining a patient. He pulls an anal thermometer out of his coat to make some notes. Looks at it and says "Damnit some asshole has my pen!"
6,367	To Do List While in Jail 1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,"Hey why'd you start without me?" 2. 3.
6,368	A squirrel and an elephant are in the bathroom. The elephant in the tub says to the squirrel, we have no soap. The squirrel says... "OH YEAH? NO SOAP RADIO!"
6,369	What do the Post Office and a shoe store have in common? Thousands of brown loafers
6,370	Why do physicists love going to church It's the center of mass
6,371	Apparently people keep mistaking me for their Mirrors because they keep saying I'm ugly or fat
6,372	How do Mr. and Mrs. Weasley have sex? gingerly.
6,373	[on the phone] wife: My mom tripped over the dog me: Is she ok? wife: Yeah me: Can I talk to her? wife: Sure calls for the dog
6,374	Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life...... unless it gets in his way.
6,375	What's the hardest part about being a pedophile? Fitting in.
6,376	What do you call an ant who can't play the piano ? Discordant !
6,377	What did the traffic light say to the car? Don't look at me I'm changing.
6,378	I started microfinancing my money to get better savings. It just made a lot of cents to me.
6,379	wakes up early goes for morning jog calls wife to pick him up because he's made a terrible mistake
6,380	Me: I'd kill for a body like that Them: well by monitoring your calorie intake and daily exercise you c- Me: yeah I'd rather kill
6,381	What does a lesbian couple do for fun while they're having their periods? Fingerpaint!
6,382	I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I'm now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates' pants.
6,383	Why couldn't the stoner simplify his binomials in front of the class? Because a watched pothead never FOILS.
6,384	Watching my son's soccer game in the cold and rain cuz I'm a good Mom. From my heated car cuz I'm not a total idiot.
6,385	Hey bro do you remember your first blowjob? How did it taste?
6,386	What does a rock put on when it stinks? Geodorant.
6,387	What runs, but never sprints? Inherited obesity
6,388	Did you hear about the old Italian chef? He pasta way
6,389	I can't wait to see the phrase "He was the longest living member of the Baha Men" in an obituary
6,390	What did the french chef give his wife on Valentine's day? A hug and a little quiche.
6,391	Me: Excuse me, where's the rowing boat equipment? Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle. Me: ... Employee: ... Me: Or you'll what?
6,392	I lost my virginity to a retarded girl I wanted my first night to be special.
6,393	My penis is 4 inches... ...but I find most girls don't like it that wide.
6,394	[job interview] "So we'll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?" Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
6,395	If you ever see on a road where a section of the dotted line is missing - There is no law there.
6,396	I witnessed a murder today... Though it may have just been a flock of jackdaws, I'm not a biologist.
6,397	I just totally misunderstood the meaning of 'Strip Mall' and could one of you guys send bail money?
6,398	Why can't americans play LoL? They can't guard their towers.
6,399	Travel Agent: Hello sir! Interested in a vacation? Me: puts cat on the phone [20 mins later] Travel Agent: I've got you booked for Maui
6,400	Isn't it so awkward when you misplace a Rolex? It's like, do I want to tell people that there's a free Rolex on the loose? Relatable, right?

6,301

Here it is, folks: "Do imaginary octopi have ... (wait for it) (wait for it) PRETENDACLES?"

6,302

If your gift says "from Mom and Dad" you just know Dad has absolutely no idea what's inside it.

6,303

What type of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers

6,304

My wife doesn't believe that auto correct changed "Yes dear" to "Hell no I'm not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am."

6,305

To the guy who named cotton candy: Yes! It looks just like it sounds. To the guy who named Milk Duds: What the hell is wrong with you?

6,306

A bar walks upto a bar... Hows that even possible

6,307

He whispered in my ear that he liked being called daddy. I whispered back that I liked being called a cab.

6,308

If you're nervous about speaking in public just imagine everyone holding a meatball sub. Even if you're not nervous picture it. It's amazing

6,309

"It doesn't matter what you look like on the outside" ME: Oh thank god "It's who you are on the inside" ME: Dang

6,310

Fat people just want to get into your pantries.

6,311

I was in a good mood when suddenly twitter went down & I ran over a blind man, tasered a baby, killed a puppy & set myself on fire.

6,312

How do you say goodbye to a thousand Japanese people? A big wave

6,313

we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy

6,314

A lot of people say I'm condescending... (That means I talk down to people)

6,315

My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Espanol marque dos Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person

6,316

Learning about frequency is so boring ... It literally Hertz.

6,317

4-year-old: Is there candy in that drawer? Me: No. 4: Can I check? Me: Do you have a warrant?

6,318

How did I sleep in college? I slept like a baby... I woke up every two hours to vomit, shit myself and cry myself back to sleep.

6,319

What does a bug say when it accidentally breaks its exoskeleton? You gotta be chitin me!

6,320

Whenever I conduct a job interview I ask the applicant to name their favorite Muppet, and no matter the answer I scowl and shake my head.

6,321

Cowboy:" Give me three packs of condoms, please." Cashier:" Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" Cowboy: "Nah...She's purty good lookin'...."

6,322

We're gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were "Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!"

6,323

Smiling gives you wrinkles. Resting bitch face keeps you pretty.

6,324

My dad is my inspiration ...cause you never know when it's gonna hit you EDIT: missed a word

6,325

What's big, grey and makes you jump? The elephant of surprise. :)

6,326

My wife's cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.

6,327

ME: Lord, what have I done to deserve this GOD: *unfurls a scroll that keeps going for miles* Well

6,328

I was watching some porn with a plot the other day It was pretty Fucking stupid

6,329

Many women say a guy who makes them laugh is all they want. They fail to mention all the things it takes to put them in the mood to laugh.

6,330

I used to be a narcissist But now look at me

6,331

You know what Popeye and Napoleon have in common? They both come on those little jugs of Olive Oil.

6,332

I asked my wife for sex recently... She said, "No, it's a super moon, not a blue one".

6,333

TIL A new study shows that women drivers often turn into good drivers So if you're a good driver, look out for women drivers.

6,334

He died doing what he loved, checking his mentions while driving.

6,335

Mothers are always one question from ruining your day.

6,336

What do you call a kid with no legs, no arms and an eyepatch? Names.

6,337

Always carry $100,000 cash on you at all times in case you ever feel like getting a sandwich from an airport.

6,338

How can working with cow hide act in your favor on a first date? As if she's going to lay there and be swayed by some new buck.

6,339

Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir. Man in car: But that's a balloon. Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it'll soon be a dog.

6,340

"I need to find somewhere to park," I told my wife. "What about over there?" she said. "I can't," I replied, "It says between 1 and 9 only." "Well, why is that stopping you?" "I'm 23."

6,341

All my party planning skills revolve around exit strategies.

6,342

Christmas is my favorite four months of the year.

6,343

What happened to the road? Depressions.

6,344

Fe Fi Fo Fum Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb

6,345

I have awful jet lag The WiFi on this airliner is just terrible

6,346

I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.

6,347

Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat

6,348

Homeless people wouldn't be half as poor if they didn't waste all of their money on sharpies and cardboard.

6,349

What was the first 3D printer? Your butthole! *** This joke is awesome because it was created by a third grader where I teach.

6,350

Her: I love that thing you do to make me moan. Me: *makes another plate of nachos*

6,351

If you just got invited to do something on New Year's Eve, it means someone else cancelled.

6,352

What did Melania Trump say after being stopped by an officer? License and registration, please.

6,353

I like my lovers like I like my golf score Hand drawn, messy, and totally unconvincing.

6,354

Are you afraid of quantum mechanics ? Dont worry, it's gonna be Feynman.

6,355

*on my deathbed* *groggy, dazed, & delirious* Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me? Wife: Honey, what's a TC? Me: *pulls plug*

6,356

Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.

6,357

Vader: I AM your father. Luke: Why are you telling me this now? Vader: Luke: Vader: I need a kidney.

6,358

My mother always told me if you have nothing nice to say join 4chan

6,359

Hate it when people ask me what I will be doing five years from now Come on guys, I don't have 2020 vision

6,360

What is a trailer park's favorite game? Twister

6,361

I've heard that 1 in 3 people have a pedophile as a neighbour. But that can't be right because my neighbours are sexy 5 and 7 year olds.

6,362

"Dance like the photo's not being tagged, Love like you've never been unfriended, Status Update like nobody's following."

6,363

Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair!

6,364

Why did the girl quit her job at the donut factory? She was fed up with the hole business.

6,365

Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* "sketchy". Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.

6,366

So a proctologist is examining a patient. He pulls an anal thermometer out of his coat to make some notes. Looks at it and says "Damnit some asshole has my pen!"

6,367

To Do List While in Jail 1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,"Hey why'd you start without me?" 2. 3.

6,368

A squirrel and an elephant are in the bathroom. The elephant in the tub says to the squirrel, we have no soap. The squirrel says... "OH YEAH? NO SOAP RADIO!"

6,369

What do the Post Office and a shoe store have in common? Thousands of brown loafers

6,370

Why do physicists love going to church It's the center of mass

6,371

Apparently people keep mistaking me for their Mirrors because they keep saying I'm ugly or fat

6,372

How do Mr. and Mrs. Weasley have sex? gingerly.

6,373

[on the phone] wife: My mom tripped over the dog me: Is she ok? wife: Yeah me: Can I talk to her? wife: Sure *calls for the dog*

6,374

Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life...... unless it gets in his way.

6,375

What's the hardest part about being a pedophile? Fitting in.

6,376

What do you call an ant who can't play the piano ? Discordant !

6,377

What did the traffic light say to the car? Don't look at me I'm changing.

6,378

I started microfinancing my money to get better savings. It just made a lot of cents to me.

6,379

*wakes up early* *goes for morning jog* *calls wife to pick him up because he's made a terrible mistake*

6,380

Me: I'd kill for a body like that Them: well by monitoring your calorie intake and daily exercise you c- Me: yeah I'd rather kill

6,381

What does a lesbian couple do for fun while they're having their periods? Fingerpaint!

6,382

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I'm now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates' pants.

6,383

Why couldn't the stoner simplify his binomials in front of the class? Because a watched pothead never FOILS.

6,384

Watching my son's soccer game in the cold and rain cuz I'm a good Mom. From my heated car cuz I'm not a total idiot.

6,385

Hey bro do you remember your first blowjob? How did it taste?

6,386

What does a rock put on when it stinks? Geodorant.

6,387

What runs, but never sprints? Inherited obesity

6,388

Did you hear about the old Italian chef? He pasta way

6,389

I can't wait to see the phrase "He was the longest living member of the Baha Men" in an obituary

6,390

What did the french chef give his wife on Valentine's day? A hug and a little quiche.

6,391

Me: Excuse me, where's the rowing boat equipment? Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle. Me: ... Employee: ... Me: Or you'll what?

6,392

I lost my virginity to a retarded girl I wanted my first night to be special.

6,393

My penis is 4 inches... ...but I find most girls don't like it that wide.

6,394

[job interview] "So we'll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?" Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?

6,395

If you ever see on a road where a section of the dotted line is missing - There is no law there.

6,396

I witnessed a murder today... Though it may have just been a flock of jackdaws, I'm not a biologist.

6,397

I just totally misunderstood the meaning of 'Strip Mall' and could one of you guys send bail money?

6,398

Why can't americans play LoL? They can't guard their towers.

6,399

Travel Agent: Hello sir! Interested in a vacation? Me: *puts cat on the phone* [20 mins later] Travel Agent: I've got you booked for Maui

6,400

Isn't it so awkward when you misplace a Rolex? It's like, do I want to tell people that there's a free Rolex on the loose? Relatable, right?