ysharma/short_jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

ID int64 1 232k	Joke stringlengths 10 200
6,101	What is the difference between Coors beer and a ... clitoris? A clitoris only tastes like piss for a second.
6,102	No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
6,103	Q: What's a little quicker than a shark? A: The Little Mermaid on her period.
6,104	Breaking News: Video has been arrested today & charged with the 1st degree murder of Radio Star.
6,105	I don't watch soccer... If I wanted to watch somebody struggle to score for 90 minutes, I would take my friends to the bar.
6,106	Her: Are you even capable of love? Me: I'm pretty sure I love pancakes.
6,107	What is created when you rub two oranges together? Pulp Friction
6,108	"will you be paying with cash or credit?" "Cash" start playing "ring of fire" on my kazoo gets tackled by security*
6,109	Spell "attic" without laughing out loud
6,110	I too was once a male trapped in a female body... But then my mother gave birth.
6,111	Any fountain can be a Fountain of Youth if filled with champagne and you've had 5 glasses.
6,112	Why did man invent curling? To convince women sweeping was a sport.
6,113	What's the difference between black people and cancer? Cancer got Jobs.
6,114	How do you seduce a fat woman? PIece of cake.
6,115	What is the similarity between a projector and an ugly prostitute? Both work better with the lights off.
6,116	Why do lesbians shop at Dunham's? Because they don't like Dick's.
6,117	Play on Words I really want to come up with a play on words but I don't know how it will do in front of an audience.
6,118	What do you call it when someone resuscitates a person who chokes on alcohol? La chaim-lich maneuver.
6,119	As a cop, I don't know how to deal with black people... But I guess I'll take a shot at it.
6,120	I bet Ryan Gosling doesn't even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
6,121	checking out of Hotel California You can check-out any time you like "Okay yes, now" But you can never leave! "Ugh where's your manager"
6,122	What did Mozart say to the police clerk? "I'll be Bach" hahaha. What do you mean they're different people
6,123	Black humour is like children with cancer.. ..it never gets old
6,124	Good Girls & Bad Girls! Difference Between Good Girls And Bad Girls Good Girls Open Few Buttons In Hot Atmosphere, But Bad Girls Open All Buttons To Make The Atmosphere Hot!
6,125	What's grey and can't fly? A parking lot.
6,126	My friend said I didn't understand irony... Which is ironic because we were standing in a bus stop at the time.
6,127	What is long and hard that women don't have compulsorily? The military service.
6,128	What do you call a gay drive-by? A fruit roll up.
6,129	Have you heard about the new restaurant on the moon? I hear the food is good but there's no atmosphere.
6,130	"Game of Thrones" author George R. R. Martin joined Twitter this week. He already has 80,000 followers and that's just the cast of "Game of Thrones."
6,131	Why is the leaning tower of Pisa in Italy? It's Italicized
6,132	So ... Helium walks into a bar Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says: "We don't serve noble gasses here." Helium doesn't react.
6,133	My new girlfriend really takes my breath away.... She's inflatable.
6,134	Mary Poppins voice Ok, children! Time to go! [15 min later] Batman voice I said let's go.
6,135	Why did the owl owl ? Because the woodpecker would peck 'er !
6,136	Comedy legend Joan Rivers passed away. Hundreds of plastic surgeons mourn the loss of their jobs.
6,137	How to Skrillex sign his Valentine's Day cards? I wub wub wub you....
6,138	did you fall from heaven because your face is all screwed up
6,139	I bought my friend an elephant for their room. They said thank you. I said don't mention it.
6,140	My new years resolution is the same as last year. 1920x1080
6,141	So which Gate works at the army? Col.Gate I'll leave now.
6,142	Congratulations are in order. I just got the stitches in the roof of my mouth removed from that bowl of Cap'n Crunch I had when I was 13.
6,143	Remember, Christmas isn't about how big your tree is, or what's under it. It's about who's around it.
6,144	How do you catch a bear? 1. Dig a big hole 2. Fill the hole with ash 3. Place peas all around the hole 4. Finally, when the bear stops to take a pea you kick it in the ash-hole
6,145	What's enormous, gray, and unimportant? Irrelephant.
6,146	If I'm in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are ANYWHERE ELSE, I flush my toilet
6,147	What kind of bees make milk? Boo-bees
6,148	I saw Lenin pick his nose the other day... Communists have no class...
6,149	I got invited to a block party recently. I show up, blocks EVERYWHERE.
6,150	I lost fifty pounds in two weeks by lying!
6,151	What do you call an Asian with a big... NSFW Butt hole? Gay ping!
6,152	A Texas sheriff found a black man who was shot 12 times. He said it was the worst case of suicide he'd ever seen.
6,153	I try to live each day like it's my last, which is why I rarely have clean socks. Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?
6,154	What's the difference between a snitch whose been caught and a free-spirited orphan with an Oedipus complex? One's a dead-ass motherfucker. The other's a dead mother ass-fucker.
6,155	BEST vine with nigga - chocolate milk https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6JZfR4PwIbs
6,156	Why didn't 2x befriend x^2 ? He had trouble integrating
6,157	I, for one... is a roman numeral.
6,158	I'm taking up cross-stitch so I can make handmade gifts for all the girls in my life Cause bitches get stitches. (though I won't have as many once this stupid joke gets out.)
6,159	The quickest way to find out the time is to order a beer at breakfast with your mother.
6,160	[raises hand during kickboxing lesson] when do we get to kick boxes? [instructor] that's not what we- [me] I just hate boxes so damn much
6,161	Two aerials (antennas) meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
6,162	No point I'll go straight to the point, this all sentence is pointless
6,163	Where do stoners keep their money? In a joint account
6,164	Real friends don't get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.
6,165	I'v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He's gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I'm showing these emails to his wife.
6,166	If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk?
6,167	Emails So I had to stop redirecting my emails to the girls in my class. They said I was being too forward.
6,168	Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.
6,169	Going to a baby shower and I'm real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
6,170	One problem I had with Catholicism as a child was... all the sexy priests.
6,171	Out of all my body parts, my eyes are in the best shape... I roll them at least 489 times a day.
6,172	People ask if I saw any 'Red Flags'... Well, I was an anarcho-capitalist and she was a Hoxhaist...
6,173	My girlfriend says I can't visualise things I can't imagine why.
6,174	What's the best remedy for a sex starved drug addict? A jack and coke.
6,175	Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said 'make yourself comfortable', so I did, I went home.
6,176	I know I've had enough to drink when I suddenly know everyone's middle name and it's "Motherfucking."
6,177	My work ethic could best be described as "procrastinate as much as possible then frantically scream OH FUCK right before the deadline."
6,178	Why are frogs happy? Because they eat what bugs them.. Source: 3rd grader told me this joke..
6,179	"It's beautiful today. Let's work outside." 5 mins later "This was a terrible idea." more bees disrupt the open heart surgery
6,180	Where does Justin Timberlake go swimming when he's in the Ukraine? The Crimea River
6,181	You know why /r/jokes doesn't allow pictures? thatsthejoke.jpg
6,182	I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
6,183	When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
6,184	What did Sean Connery do when he saw a guy drowning? he started undressing and yelled 'I will shave you'
6,185	Cars Why do lazy people only drive automatics? Because they're shiftless.
6,186	I keep getting told I'm a terrible mailman.. Oops I've posted this in the wrong place
6,187	My kids are asking to be fed and cared for and stuff. This parenting thing is bullshit.
6,188	Teacher Johnny: Use the word HARASSMENT in a Sentence... Johnny: I was in Love with a girl and.. Her-ass-meant a lot to me
6,189	Obesity it's a disease People in America say obesity is a disease. The only thing diseases and obese people have in common is they are both really easy to catch.
6,190	I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down. Life is hard.
6,191	If I've learned one thing from twitter, it's how to get a ton of work done in an hour after wasting 80% of my day tweeting.
6,192	Why is Christopher Walken so tired? Because at night, he's always sleepwalken
6,193	Programmers tend to byte their food
6,194	Yo mama so fat when she went to Walmart, she tripped on Walgreens, and landed right on target
6,195	When the cashier asks, "Paper or plastic", I say, "Plastic", then use the bag to suffocate a bird in the parking lot while staring him down.
6,196	speaks at high school graduation Your 12 year free trial has expired. To continue your education please submit your credit card info.
6,197	So far my toddler's most impressive defense mechanism is pooping his pants every time anyone rings our doorbell.
6,198	Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I'm wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
6,199	Never underestimate the power of a woman's INTUITION. Some women can recognize game before you even play it.
6,200	There are two types of friends: Those that keep your car clean And Julian FUCKING JULIAN

6,101

What is the difference between Coors beer and a ... clitoris? A clitoris only tastes like piss for a second.

6,102

No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.

6,103

Q: What's a little quicker than a shark? A: The Little Mermaid on her period.

6,104

Breaking News: Video has been arrested today & charged with the 1st degree murder of Radio Star.

6,105

I don't watch soccer... If I wanted to watch somebody struggle to score for 90 minutes, I would take my friends to the bar.

6,106

Her: Are you even capable of love? Me: I'm pretty sure I love pancakes.

6,107

What is created when you rub two oranges together? Pulp Friction

6,108

"will you be paying with cash or credit?" "Cash" *start playing "ring of fire" on my kazoo *gets tackled by security*

6,109

Spell "attic" without laughing out loud

6,110

I too was once a male trapped in a female body... But then my mother gave birth.

6,111

Any fountain can be a Fountain of Youth if filled with champagne and you've had 5 glasses.

6,112

Why did man invent curling? To convince women sweeping was a sport.

6,113

What's the difference between black people and cancer? Cancer got Jobs.

6,114

How do you seduce a fat woman? PIece of cake.

6,115

What is the similarity between a projector and an ugly prostitute? Both work better with the lights off.

6,116

Why do lesbians shop at Dunham's? Because they don't like Dick's.

6,117

Play on Words I really want to come up with a play on words but I don't know how it will do in front of an audience.

6,118

What do you call it when someone resuscitates a person who chokes on alcohol? La chaim-lich maneuver.

6,119

As a cop, I don't know how to deal with black people... But I guess I'll take a shot at it.

6,120

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn't even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

6,121

*checking out of Hotel California* You can check-out any time you like "Okay yes, now" But you can never leave! "Ugh where's your manager"

6,122

What did Mozart say to the police clerk? "I'll be Bach" hahaha. What do you mean they're different people

6,123

Black humour is like children with cancer.. ..it never gets old

6,124

Good Girls & Bad Girls! Difference Between Good Girls And Bad Girls Good Girls Open Few Buttons In Hot Atmosphere, But Bad Girls Open All Buttons To Make The Atmosphere Hot!

6,125

What's grey and can't fly? A parking lot.

6,126

My friend said I didn't understand irony... Which is ironic because we were standing in a bus stop at the time.

6,127

What is long and hard that women don't have compulsorily? The military service.

6,128

What do you call a gay drive-by? A fruit roll up.

6,129

Have you heard about the new restaurant on the moon? I hear the food is good but there's no atmosphere.

6,130

"Game of Thrones" author George R. R. Martin joined Twitter this week. He already has 80,000 followers and that's just the cast of "Game of Thrones."

6,131

Why is the leaning tower of Pisa in Italy? It's Italicized

6,132

So ... Helium walks into a bar Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says: "We don't serve noble gasses here." Helium doesn't react.

6,133

My new girlfriend really takes my breath away.... She's inflatable.

6,134

*Mary Poppins voice* Ok, children! Time to go! [15 min later] *Batman voice* I said let's go.

6,135

Why did the owl owl ? Because the woodpecker would peck 'er !

6,136

Comedy legend Joan Rivers passed away. Hundreds of plastic surgeons mourn the loss of their jobs.

6,137

How to Skrillex sign his Valentine's Day cards? I wub wub wub you....

6,138

did you fall from heaven because your face is all screwed up

6,139

I bought my friend an elephant for their room. They said thank you. I said don't mention it.

6,140

My new years resolution is the same as last year. 1920x1080

6,141

So which Gate works at the army? Col.Gate I'll leave now.

6,142

Congratulations are in order. I just got the stitches in the roof of my mouth removed from that bowl of Cap'n Crunch I had when I was 13.

6,143

Remember, Christmas isn't about how big your tree is, or what's under it. It's about who's around it.

6,144

How do you catch a bear? 1. Dig a big hole 2. Fill the hole with ash 3. Place peas all around the hole 4. Finally, when the bear stops to take a pea you kick it in the ash-hole

6,145

What's enormous, gray, and unimportant? Irrelephant.

6,146

If I'm in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are ANYWHERE ELSE, I flush my toilet

6,147

What kind of bees make milk? Boo-bees

6,148

I saw Lenin pick his nose the other day... Communists have no class...

6,149

I got invited to a block party recently. I show up, blocks EVERYWHERE.

6,150

I lost fifty pounds in two weeks by lying!

6,151

What do you call an Asian with a big... NSFW Butt hole? Gay ping!

6,152

A Texas sheriff found a black man who was shot 12 times. He said it was the worst case of suicide he'd ever seen.

6,153

I try to live each day like it's my last, which is why I rarely have clean socks. Who wants to wash socks on the last day of their life?

6,154

What's the difference between a snitch whose been caught and a free-spirited orphan with an Oedipus complex? One's a dead-ass motherfucker. The other's a dead mother ass-fucker.

6,155

BEST vine with nigga - chocolate milk https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6JZfR4PwIbs

6,156

Why didn't 2x befriend x^2 ? He had trouble integrating

6,157

I, for one... is a roman numeral.

6,158

I'm taking up cross-stitch so I can make handmade gifts for all the girls in my life Cause bitches get stitches. (though I won't have as many once this stupid joke gets out.)

6,159

The quickest way to find out the time is to order a beer at breakfast with your mother.

6,160

[raises hand during kickboxing lesson] when do we get to kick boxes? [instructor] that's not what we- [me] I just hate boxes so damn much

6,161

Two aerials (antennas) meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

6,162

No point I'll go straight to the point, this all sentence is pointless

6,163

Where do stoners keep their money? In a joint account

6,164

Real friends don't get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.

6,165

I'v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He's gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I'm showing these emails to his wife.

6,166

If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk?

6,167

Emails So I had to stop redirecting my emails to the girls in my class. They said I was being too forward.

6,168

Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.

6,169

Going to a baby shower and I'm real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?

6,170

One problem I had with Catholicism as a child was... all the sexy priests.

6,171

Out of all my body parts, my eyes are in the best shape... I roll them at least 489 times a day.

6,172

People ask if I saw any 'Red Flags'... Well, I was an anarcho-capitalist and she was a Hoxhaist...

6,173

My girlfriend says I can't visualise things I can't imagine why.

6,174

What's the best remedy for a sex starved drug addict? A jack and coke.

6,175

Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said 'make yourself comfortable', so I did, I went home.

6,176

I know I've had enough to drink when I suddenly know everyone's middle name and it's "Motherfucking."

6,177

My work ethic could best be described as "procrastinate as much as possible then frantically scream OH FUCK right before the deadline."

6,178

Why are frogs happy? Because they eat what bugs them.. Source: 3rd grader told me this joke..

6,179

"It's beautiful today. Let's work outside." *5 mins later* "This was a terrible idea." *more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*

6,180

Where does Justin Timberlake go swimming when he's in the Ukraine? The Crimea River

6,181

You know why /r/jokes doesn't allow pictures? thatsthejoke.jpg

6,182

I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...

6,183

When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.

6,184

What did Sean Connery do when he saw a guy drowning? he started undressing and yelled 'I will shave you'

6,185

Cars Why do lazy people only drive automatics? Because they're shiftless.

6,186

I keep getting told I'm a terrible mailman.. Oops I've posted this in the wrong place

6,187

My kids are asking to be fed and cared for and stuff. This parenting thing is bullshit.

6,188

Teacher Johnny: Use the word HARASSMENT in a Sentence... Johnny: I was in Love with a girl and.. Her-ass-meant a lot to me

6,189

Obesity it's a disease People in America say obesity is a disease. The only thing diseases and obese people have in common is they are both really easy to catch.

6,190

I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down. Life is hard.

6,191

If I've learned one thing from twitter, it's how to get a ton of work done in an hour after wasting 80% of my day tweeting.

6,192

Why is Christopher Walken so tired? Because at night, he's always sleepwalken

6,193

Programmers tend to byte their food

6,194

Yo mama so fat when she went to Walmart, she tripped on Walgreens, and landed right on target

6,195

When the cashier asks, "Paper or plastic", I say, "Plastic", then use the bag to suffocate a bird in the parking lot while staring him down.

6,196

*speaks at high school graduation* Your 12 year free trial has expired. To continue your education please submit your credit card info.

6,197

So far my toddler's most impressive defense mechanism is pooping his pants every time anyone rings our doorbell.

6,198

Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I'm wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!

6,199

Never underestimate the power of a woman's INTUITION. Some women can recognize game before you even play it.

6,200

There are two types of friends: Those that keep your car clean And Julian FUCKING JULIAN