ysharma/short_jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

ID int64 1 232k	Joke stringlengths 10 200
5,901	[court] ME: Between 10 & 11 p.m. I was having sex JUDGE: Who are you? You're not even in this trial M: I know, I just want it on record
5,902	What do you call someone who pretends to work in a victorias secret? A panty-mime
5,903	[HR office] HR: you know why you're here, right? Me: HR: you can't "contract" Down's Syndrome & you can't call in sick with it
5,904	Closed letter to the mods of r/Jokes... O
5,905	My Grandma said I have the voice for the radio... And the face for it too.
5,906	My tombstone will just say "Deactivated." I want people to be afraid that I could come back.
5,907	Toad was always my favorite Mario character He just seems like a fungi.
5,908	I was once slapped in the face by a girl with twelve nipples... (.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.) Sounds weird, dozen tit?
5,909	My boss asked me to pick him something cheap up to eat for lunch he wasn't too happy when I came back with his daughter.
5,910	Why does it suck to work for the NSA during the winter? Because if it snows, you can't call and say you're snowed in.
5,911	[First Date] Me: "I'm sorry. It's just that I've been burned before." Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit Closes visor
5,912	What do you call a Mexican knockoff burger restaurant? Carlos Jr.
5,913	How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb? I don't know probably more than eight, my basement is still dark.
5,914	There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.
5,915	You were probably conceived at home... they say most accidents happen around the household.
5,916	Romantic comedies are just horror movies where people only die on the inside. Also, my wife doesn't let me pick movies for date night.
5,917	KNOCK KNOCK... Who's there? Kicks! Kicks who? Kicks Ronda Rousey for the Knock out!
5,918	What do you give an actor playing the role of an angry street gang member? Mad props...
5,919	Malaysia Airlines loses contact with another plane. At least they know where this one is.
5,920	What do you call a homosexual man on roller skates? Rolaids.
5,921	We gave our children old-fashioned names... Our little boy is Hunter and our little girl is Gatherer. - Brian Kiley
5,922	All my life, I never thought I'd wake up at 6am to go jogging...and I was right.
5,923	I went to the barbers today. My wife sent me a text that said we had a pipe leaking. I told the barber we're going to have to cut this short. I walked out with a buzz cut.
5,924	So I told my wife I ate a bunch of pineapple today ;-) But then as I came in her mouth, I said "oh yeah, and a bunch of bacon too"
5,925	how do you know when your sister is on her period? your dads cock tastes like blood.
5,926	My favorite palindromes I've come across are tit and boob.
5,927	I was searching for the end of the line. I tap a guy on the shoulder and ask, "excuse me sir, are you the last person in line?" Dude turns around, looks at me funny and goes, "no, you are."
5,928	ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
5,929	Don't vaccinate your children! Let a trained medical professional do it!
5,930	Why haven't they installed a mirror on cars that only covers your blind spot?
5,931	Good morning class, science is our lesson for today. Teacher: What is science? Student: Me Ma'am! Me! Teacher: Ok Pedro! What is science? Student: science is our Lesson for today.
5,932	Bruno Mars is the best levitating vegetable magician I've ever seen. He can do 24 Carrot Magic in the Air
5,933	In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds. How is that person still alive?
5,934	Celebrities are so rich because they save money every time they attend a movie premiere for free.
5,935	Why do white girls always travel in odd numbers? They can't even
5,936	Why are cars in Russia so slow? Because they are always stalin.
5,937	Q: What do modern artists eat for breakfast? A: Surreal.
5,938	I like my slaves like I like my coffee Strong and black
5,939	I like my hookers like I like my treasure... Buried.
5,940	[First Date] ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you HER: Ok! ME: What's the capital of Honduras? HER: um... ME:[writing] bad at geo-
5,941	I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
5,942	A short joke for mobile users [.](http://i.imgur.com/7g4htym.jpg)
5,943	Half of Chinese men have cataracts... The other half drive Lincolns.
5,944	A jumper cable walks into a bar... The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but you better not start anything!"
5,945	Why would Ellen Pao not do her own AMA? General Pao's chicken.
5,946	What's Mike Tyson's favorite Scarlett Johansson film? Luthy.
5,947	I like my women the way I like my coffee in a basket being touched by many Colombian men.
5,948	Take a chill pill? I had a friend overdose on chill pills you insensitive prick!
5,949	The internet is amazing in its ability to speed up communication, for instance it used to take years to realize you hated your friends.
5,950	My clearest memory of high school is my friend asking me if I brought gym clothes and me asking, "Who the fuck is Jim?"
5,951	Do you know why Cannibals don't eat divorced women? Because they're bitter.
5,952	What is Reagan's favorite vegetable? Jim Brady
5,953	I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
5,954	What do you call a girl that raps about women rights? Feminem.
5,955	what do you call it when you donate a vagina to charity? good will cunting
5,956	ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50's.
5,957	The person you're eating with can't wait for you to go to the bathroom so they can check their phone.
5,958	Q: What does an apple and an apple tree have in common? A: They both don't drive tractors.
5,959	Where were the first French fries made? ...in grease
5,960	If you're a guy who just had sex, what do you have? Happenis
5,961	Your pants are so tight... ...you can't even get a leg up on the situation!
5,962	What do performing bears at the circus get for lunch? 30 minutes.
5,963	What did the Chemist have with his Eggs? Barium, Cobalt and Nitrogen.
5,964	Knock Knock...
5,965	When it comes to gun control, the first thing that should be banned are tee shirt cannons.
5,966	[Spelling Bee] Your word is palindrome "Can you use it in a sentence?" Go hang a salami I'm a lasagna hog.
5,967	Egg puns... ...are cracking!
5,968	I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
5,969	How many Redditors does it take to tell a joke? Two. One to think of it, and another to repost it a day later.
5,970	A motorist was pulled over by a traffic cop. "Excuse me, sir," said the cop. "Do you realize your wife fell out of the car two miles back?" "Thank God," he said. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
5,971	I wonder what made the first person that ate an oyster look at it and think 'Im gonna eat that.'
5,972	On the other hand, You have five fingers.
5,973	What's the best part about having a blind partner? You know they won't be seeing other people.
5,974	Black ice is just like regular ice... Except it's a better dancer...
5,975	[Interview] CEO: Why do you think you'd be a good fit at our firm? GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN'T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
5,976	Overheard at work: "that is music to my ears". Where else would the music go smartypants?
5,977	What's the difference between a crab with a boob job and a dirty bus station? One's a busty crustacean and the other's a crusty bus station.
5,978	Actually, there are but two types of people Those who can extrapolate from limited data ...
5,979	I hate meeting new people. It's like sitting through a fucking job interview to apply for the position of "acquaintance."
5,980	I'm told that if you eat pineapple or carrots in excess, your come will taste like that food... Is this why my Japanese girlfriend's pussy tastes like raw fish?
5,981	my phone keeps capitalizing my lols like i'm some kind of suburban mom with highlights and bedazzled jeans.
5,982	Did you hear about the clever nun who got tricked? She was nun the wiser
5,983	Google introduced a new smartphone alarm that can wake users up on the subway so they don't miss their stop. As opposed to the alarm they use now: getting elbowed by the stranger they're drooling on.
5,984	Do you raise chickens? Because you raise my cock.
5,985	Q: Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired? A: Because he couldn't keep his calves together!
5,986	A priest, a pedophile, and a rapist walks into a bar He orders a beer
5,987	What do you call a person who makes a clever point during a discussion at another's expense? A Douche
5,988	Jesus and floppy discs are very similar They both died to become the image of saving
5,989	What did the blue denims say to the black denims? I guess we have different genes! knee slap ... I'll see myself to the door
5,990	If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai's deli daily.
5,991	How do you make a baby boy cry twice? Make him suck your bloody dick.
5,992	What does a cobra say to his friends after he kills a mongoose? "I wasn't scared at all. Without you, I wouldn't even know what a quiver is."
5,993	Q: What time do kids need naps? A: At whine o'clock.
5,994	The rain is starting to worry me. I'm afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
5,995	Why can't ears have sex? They could get hearing AIDS!
5,996	Almost all of the guys I drafted for my fantasy football team are football players which I think was a smart move
5,997	I'd always wondered why they didn't make pencils with erasers on either side Then I realised there wouldn't be any point.
5,998	It feels like every time I look at the time it's 9:11 I hope this doesn't get me on a watch list.
5,999	Why kill time when you can make it work for you?
6,000	"Will you spend the rest of my life with me?" "That depends. When are you going to die?"

5,901

[court] ME: Between 10 & 11 p.m. I was having sex JUDGE: Who are you? You're not even in this trial M: I know, I just want it on record

5,902

What do you call someone who pretends to work in a victorias secret? A panty-mime

5,903

[HR office] HR: you know why you're here, right? Me: HR: you can't "contract" Down's Syndrome & you can't call in sick with it

5,904

Closed letter to the mods of r/Jokes... O

5,905

My Grandma said I have the voice for the radio... And the face for it too.

5,906

My tombstone will just say "Deactivated." I want people to be afraid that I could come back.

5,907

Toad was always my favorite Mario character He just seems like a fungi.

5,908

I was once slapped in the face by a girl with twelve nipples... (.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.)(.) Sounds weird, dozen tit?

5,909

My boss asked me to pick him something cheap up to eat for lunch he wasn't too happy when I came back with his daughter.

5,910

Why does it suck to work for the NSA during the winter? Because if it snows, you can't call and say you're snowed in.

5,911

[First Date] Me: "I'm sorry. It's just that I've been burned before." *Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit *Closes visor

5,912

What do you call a Mexican knockoff burger restaurant? Carlos Jr.

5,913

How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb? I don't know probably more than eight, my basement is still dark.

5,914

There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.

5,915

You were probably conceived at home... they say most accidents happen around the household.

5,916

Romantic comedies are just horror movies where people only die on the inside. Also, my wife doesn't let me pick movies for date night.

5,917

KNOCK KNOCK... Who's there? Kicks! Kicks who? Kicks Ronda Rousey for the Knock out!

5,918

What do you give an actor playing the role of an angry street gang member? Mad props...

5,919

Malaysia Airlines loses contact with another plane. At least they know where this one is.

5,920

What do you call a homosexual man on roller skates? Rolaids.

5,921

We gave our children old-fashioned names... Our little boy is Hunter and our little girl is Gatherer. - Brian Kiley

5,922

All my life, I never thought I'd wake up at 6am to go jogging...and I was right.

5,923

I went to the barbers today. My wife sent me a text that said we had a pipe leaking. I told the barber we're going to have to cut this short. I walked out with a buzz cut.

5,924

So I told my wife I ate a bunch of pineapple today ;-) But then as I came in her mouth, I said "oh yeah, and a bunch of bacon too"

5,925

how do you know when your sister is on her period? your dads cock tastes like blood.

5,926

My favorite palindromes I've come across are tit and boob.

5,927

I was searching for the end of the line. I tap a guy on the shoulder and ask, "excuse me sir, are you the last person in line?" Dude turns around, looks at me funny and goes, "no, you are."

5,928

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

5,929

Don't vaccinate your children! Let a trained medical professional do it!

5,930

Why haven't they installed a mirror on cars that only covers your blind spot?

5,931

Good morning class, science is our lesson for today. Teacher: What is science? Student: Me Ma'am! Me! Teacher: Ok Pedro! What is science? Student: science is our Lesson for today.

5,932

Bruno Mars is the best levitating vegetable magician I've ever seen. He can do 24 Carrot Magic in the Air

5,933

In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds. How is that person still alive?

5,934

Celebrities are so rich because they save money every time they attend a movie premiere for free.

5,935

Why do white girls always travel in odd numbers? They can't even

5,936

Why are cars in Russia so slow? Because they are always stalin.

5,937

Q: What do modern artists eat for breakfast? A: Surreal.

5,938

I like my slaves like I like my coffee Strong and black

5,939

I like my hookers like I like my treasure... Buried.

5,940

[First Date] ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you HER: Ok! ME: What's the capital of Honduras? HER: um... ME:[writing] bad at geo-

5,941

I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.

5,942

A short joke for mobile users [.](http://i.imgur.com/7g4htym.jpg)

5,943

Half of Chinese men have cataracts... The other half drive Lincolns.

5,944

A jumper cable walks into a bar... The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but you better not start anything!"

5,945

Why would Ellen Pao not do her own AMA? General Pao's chicken.

5,946

What's Mike Tyson's favorite Scarlett Johansson film? Luthy.

5,947

I like my women the way I like my coffee in a basket being touched by many Colombian men.

5,948

Take a chill pill? I had a friend overdose on chill pills you insensitive prick!

5,949

The internet is amazing in its ability to speed up communication, for instance it used to take years to realize you hated your friends.

5,950

My clearest memory of high school is my friend asking me if I brought gym clothes and me asking, "Who the fuck is Jim?"

5,951

Do you know why Cannibals don't eat divorced women? Because they're bitter.

5,952

What is Reagan's favorite vegetable? Jim Brady

5,953

I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.

5,954

What do you call a girl that raps about women rights? Feminem.

5,955

what do you call it when you donate a vagina to charity? good will cunting

5,956

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50's.

5,957

The person you're eating with can't wait for you to go to the bathroom so they can check their phone.

5,958

Q: What does an apple and an apple tree have in common? A: They both don't drive tractors.

5,959

Where were the first French fries made? ...in grease

5,960

If you're a guy who just had sex, what do you have? Happenis

5,961

Your pants are so tight... ...you can't even get a leg up on the situation!

5,962

What do performing bears at the circus get for lunch? 30 minutes.

5,963

What did the Chemist have with his Eggs? Barium, Cobalt and Nitrogen.

5,964

Knock Knock...

5,965

When it comes to gun control, the first thing that should be banned are tee shirt cannons.

5,966

[Spelling Bee] Your word is palindrome "Can you use it in a sentence?" Go hang a salami I'm a lasagna hog.

5,967

Egg puns... ...are cracking!

5,968

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

5,969

How many Redditors does it take to tell a joke? Two. One to think of it, and another to repost it a day later.

5,970

A motorist was pulled over by a traffic cop. "Excuse me, sir," said the cop. "Do you realize your wife fell out of the car two miles back?" "Thank God," he said. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

5,971

I wonder what made the first person that ate an oyster look at it and think 'Im gonna eat that.'

5,972

On the other hand, You have five fingers.

5,973

What's the best part about having a blind partner? You know they won't be seeing other people.

5,974

Black ice is just like regular ice... Except it's a better dancer...

5,975

[Interview] CEO: Why do you think you'd be a good fit at our firm? GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN'T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:

5,976

Overheard at work: "that is music to my ears". Where else would the music go smartypants?

5,977

What's the difference between a crab with a boob job and a dirty bus station? One's a busty crustacean and the other's a crusty bus station.

5,978

Actually, there are but two types of people Those who can extrapolate from limited data ...

5,979

I hate meeting new people. It's like sitting through a fucking job interview to apply for the position of "acquaintance."

5,980

I'm told that if you eat pineapple or carrots in excess, your come will taste like that food... Is this why my Japanese girlfriend's pussy tastes like raw fish?

5,981

my phone keeps capitalizing my lols like i'm some kind of suburban mom with highlights and bedazzled jeans.

5,982

Did you hear about the clever nun who got tricked? She was nun the wiser

5,983

Google introduced a new smartphone alarm that can wake users up on the subway so they don't miss their stop. As opposed to the alarm they use now: getting elbowed by the stranger they're drooling on.

5,984

Do you raise chickens? Because you raise my cock.

5,985

Q: Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired? A: Because he couldn't keep his calves together!

5,986

A priest, a pedophile, and a rapist walks into a bar He orders a beer

5,987

What do you call a person who makes a clever point during a discussion at another's expense? A Douche

5,988

Jesus and floppy discs are very similar They both died to become the image of saving

5,989

What did the blue denims say to the black denims? I guess we have different genes! *knee slap* ... I'll see myself to the door

5,990

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai's deli daily.

5,991

How do you make a baby boy cry twice? Make him suck your bloody dick.

5,992

What does a cobra say to his friends after he kills a mongoose? "I wasn't scared at all. Without you, I wouldn't even know what a quiver is."

5,993

Q: What time do kids need naps? A: At whine o'clock.

5,994

The rain is starting to worry me. I'm afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.

5,995

Why can't ears have sex? They could get hearing AIDS!

5,996

Almost all of the guys I drafted for my fantasy football team are football players which I think was a smart move

5,997

I'd always wondered why they didn't make pencils with erasers on either side Then I realised there wouldn't be any point.

5,998

It feels like every time I look at the time it's 9:11 I hope this doesn't get me on a watch list.

5,999

Why kill time when you can make it work for you?

6,000

"Will you spend the rest of my life with me?" "That depends. When are you going to die?"