ysharma/short_jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

ID int64 1 232k	Joke stringlengths 10 200
5,701	Welcome, take off your pants ...and jacket.
5,702	Whats so great about twenty-five year olds? There's 20 of them! (I can't believe this isn't a repost.)
5,703	Joe Jackson is the first father in history to successfully beat the black out of his son. http://i.imgur.com/AbZiowN.jpg
5,704	I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that's God's Way of saying "Nope".
5,705	What do you call a black man flying an airplane? a pilot
5,706	What are three signs old age? 1. Becoming forgetful
5,707	What do you have to know to be a real estate salesman? Lots.
5,708	Marathon Just won my first marathon. I am experiencing the thrill of victory and the agony of de feet.
5,709	Only assholes name drop. Bruce Springsteen told me that.
5,710	I didn't sleep very good last night... So I put some Monster Energy drink in my coffee this morning. I got halfway to work before before I realised I forgot my car.
5,711	What's wrong with the phrase "War on Drugs"? Wars end.
5,712	Have you guys heard about the new internet milk? It's for cereal.
5,713	Can you tell me what you call a person from Corsica? Course a can.
5,714	Did you hear about the kleptomaniac who went to the theater the other day? He stole the show!
5,715	It's always a good idea to make friends with babies. That's free cake once a year for a lifetime.
5,716	What are your best corny jokes? I want them all! "What's brown and sticky?" "A stick."
5,717	My psychic friend is really excited about this new year. You could say he's really looking forward to it.
5,718	What is Putin's favorite Justin Timberlake song? Cremia River
5,719	I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who's got access to filters
5,720	Did you hear about the man who had his right side cut off He's dead. Died from blood loss. Poor guy. On the bright side, his family got what's left of him.
5,721	If a dog sniffs your ass, you're probably a bitch.
5,722	My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he's my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
5,723	You'll catch more flies with honey than you will with vinegar. Also a rotting corpse will work. Or poop. Lots of ways to attract flies.
5,724	Each of my 4 children has made me a better parent. So I figure I only need 34 more kids to be a pretty decent guy.
5,725	If an elephant is the symbol of the Republican Party and a donkey is the symbol of the Democratic Party what is a pig the symbol of? Any party where there's lots of food.
5,726	100m Dash A girl says to her friend "The last time I had sex was like the 100 meter dash" Her friend says "What, over in 6 seconds?" "No, with 8 black men and a gun."
5,727	Check up time. I've just been for my 6 month check up and everything seem to be going well until he slipped his finger in to check my prostate. I will not be using that dental practise again.
5,728	What does an Asian with the biggest erection get when he walks into a wall? A broken nose.
5,729	My girlfriend called me a pedophile yesterday... ...so I said, "That's a big word for a seven-year-old"
5,730	There's 3 kinds of people in this world people who can count, and people who can't count
5,731	Have you heard about the new Corduroy pillow cases? They have made all the headlines.
5,732	For the last time, I don't have any secret prison camps. Anyone who doesn't believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
5,733	You know its my phone if it looks like someone fingerpainted the touch screen in donut glaze.
5,734	How can Rihanna tell when Chris Brown's cheating on her? The brand of makeup on his knuckle isn't hers.
5,735	What's the difference between the foundation of a building and the average Redittor? The foundation's been laid.
5,736	What were the political views of the librarian? She wanted open borders.
5,737	An artist found a way to draw a two-sided figure, but the International Geometry Summit immediately began to furiously contest the new shape... I say, let bi-gons be bi-gons
5,738	I just failed my butcher's exam. Mis-steaks were made.
5,739	Why was Edward stuck at the Russian airport? Because he was Snowden.
5,740	How do you bury a Jew? Dig a really deep hole and throw a penny in it.
5,741	All men approve of premarital sex...until they have a daughter.
5,742	I feel sorry for my testicles. They can't even hang out without being judged.
5,743	What's Bill Clinton's favorite Pink Floyd jam? Have a Cigar
5,744	A leaf and an emo fall from a tree. Who hits the ground first? The leaf. The rope stopped the emo.
5,745	If I died & went straight to hell it would probably take me 2 or 3 weeks before I realized I wasn't at work anymore.
5,746	What do you get when you cross pickle & deer? Dildo.
5,747	Two guys walk down the street And one falls through the window
5,748	What do you call a closet full of lesbians? A liquor cabinet.
5,749	Women know that men are like linoleum . . . If they lay 'em right the first time, they can walk on them for years.
5,750	"Don't dip your pen in company ink." - HR training seminar explaining why I shouldn't sleep with the receptionist...I think.
5,751	Shoutout to rattlesnakes and condoms... Because I don't fuck with either of them.
5,752	hey girl, are you my mom? cuz i'd like to kill your husband and fuck you
5,753	If Ice Cube and Snoop Dogg adopted a child... they could call it Slush Puppy :)
5,754	I've been working on my favorite puns... I took ten of the best puns I knew and entered them into a local radio contest, hoping that one would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
5,755	Why was the cat so small ? Because it only ate condensed milk !
5,756	How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? It's not enough to change the bulb; we have to change the system.
5,757	When I was your age, I was outside all day until dark 15: The batteries on cell phones must have been a lot better back then Me: .........
5,758	A homophobe goes to the doctor to see if he has cancer... He says, "Give it to me straight, Doc."
5,759	Why do cows lie down in the rain? To keep each udder dry.
5,760	What's the difference between a black man and a bike? The bike doesn't start singing when you put a chain on it.
5,761	If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i'm just wondering if you're going to eat all those nachos?
5,762	Why didn't Lebron go to college? he didn't want to show up for the finals
5,763	Father Christmas: What's your favourite Christmas story? Elf: The one about the ghost that steals porridge! Father Christmas: You mean 'Ghoul-di-locks'!
5,764	Why was Jeffrey Dahmer so healthy? Because he ate five fruits a day!
5,765	Apple Computer is taking steps to protect user privacy. Their new policy is iWon't tell...iPromise
5,766	[First day of dropping kids off at school] Hugs and crying [2nd day] "Get out!"
5,767	Hoot: How the hell can ya be so stupid? Jessie: Well it ain't somethin' yew can pick up overnight.
5,768	What did the first ape that could walk say to all the other apes? I'm walkin' here!
5,769	My buddy plays golf like a man masturbating in a cold shower No matter how he strokes it's just not going to happen
5,770	Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank.... I have no words right now to describe how angry I am.
5,771	What did the husband tell his wife to do after he slapped her? The same thing he told her the first time!
5,772	Why did Germany run out of gas? Because they gave it to the Jews I'll be in Argentina for awhile.
5,773	A man goes on reddit to read some jokes Only to find out that the same jokes keep appearing on every page!
5,774	Here's a joke for ya. A dyslexic man walks in to a bra.
5,775	My boyfriend said we could only get one cat. So I'm only getting one cat. One pregnant cat.
5,776	When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don't get robbed
5,777	Will Will Smith Smith? Yes... Will Smith will smith
5,778	What did the Indian man name his sandwich shop? New Delhi :D
5,779	It turns out if you cry at the DMV they'll let you take a second photo
5,780	Typos... that's just how I role.
5,781	Two people who really hate each other can suddenly really like each other if they can find someone else they can both really hate together.
5,782	Why was Stalin literally worse than Hitler? Because Hitler at least wrote his own books
5,783	Listen up: I wear the pants in this family. They're a lovely taffeta with a subtle flare to draw attention to my lace-up sandals.
5,784	I wonder who Rose is going to kill in Titanic II.
5,785	What's the most popular pub in the Middle East? The Allahu ak-Bar
5,786	My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can't do that.
5,787	What do you call tea made by a stoned marsupial? High koala tea
5,788	What do Caitlyn Jenner and WWII have in common? The Battle of the Bulge.
5,789	What do pigs do on nice afternoons? They go on pignics.
5,790	Why does Vincent van Gogh always look forward to thenew year? Because everyone wishes him a new ear.
5,791	I'll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn't need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
5,792	Q: Why doesn't Saddam go out drinking? A: Why should he when he can get bombed at home?
5,793	I read in the local paper someone was going around pickpocketing midgets. I never thought someone could stoop so low.
5,794	For computer geeks. Less isn't more, less is more.
5,795	The angry moment when you plug your charger into your phone but you realize hours later your charger wasn't plugged in.
5,796	What do you call a rich South American? A Brazilianaire!
5,797	If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I'd say skin.
5,798	What do you say to a pregnant woman who wants to force her child to become a Rabbi? When is the baby Jew?
5,799	I'm 72 minutes in trying to reverse whatever my 3 y/o nephew did in one second to the TV remote.
5,800	I called my Colectomy surgeon's office... To check on my appointment. A man with a Russian accent answered the phone saying, "Thank you for colon."

5,701

Welcome, take off your pants ...and jacket.

5,702

Whats so great about twenty-five year olds? There's 20 of them! (I can't believe this isn't a repost.)

5,703

Joe Jackson is the first father in history to successfully beat the black out of his son. http://i.imgur.com/AbZiowN.jpg

5,704

I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that's God's Way of saying "Nope".

5,705

What do you call a black man flying an airplane? a pilot

5,706

What are three signs old age? 1. Becoming forgetful

5,707

What do you have to know to be a real estate salesman? Lots.

5,708

Marathon Just won my first marathon. I am experiencing the thrill of victory and the agony of de feet.

5,709

Only assholes name drop. Bruce Springsteen told me that.

5,710

I didn't sleep very good last night... So I put some Monster Energy drink in my coffee this morning. I got halfway to work before before I realised I forgot my car.

5,711

What's wrong with the phrase "War on Drugs"? Wars end.

5,712

Have you guys heard about the new internet milk? It's for cereal.

5,713

Can you tell me what you call a person from Corsica? Course a can.

5,714

Did you hear about the kleptomaniac who went to the theater the other day? He stole the show!

5,715

It's always a good idea to make friends with babies. That's free cake once a year for a lifetime.

5,716

What are your best corny jokes? I want them all! "What's brown and sticky?" "A stick."

5,717

My psychic friend is really excited about this new year. You could say he's really looking forward to it.

5,718

What is Putin's favorite Justin Timberlake song? Cremia River

5,719

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who's got access to filters

5,720

Did you hear about the man who had his right side cut off He's dead. Died from blood loss. Poor guy. On the bright side, his family got what's left of him.

5,721

If a dog sniffs your ass, you're probably a bitch.

5,722

My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he's my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.

5,723

You'll catch more flies with honey than you will with vinegar. Also a rotting corpse will work. Or poop. Lots of ways to attract flies.

5,724

Each of my 4 children has made me a better parent. So I figure I only need 34 more kids to be a pretty decent guy.

5,725

If an elephant is the symbol of the Republican Party and a donkey is the symbol of the Democratic Party what is a pig the symbol of? Any party where there's lots of food.

5,726

100m Dash A girl says to her friend "The last time I had sex was like the 100 meter dash" Her friend says "What, over in 6 seconds?" "No, with 8 black men and a gun."

5,727

Check up time. I've just been for my 6 month check up and everything seem to be going well until he slipped his finger in to check my prostate. I will not be using that dental practise again.

5,728

What does an Asian with the biggest erection get when he walks into a wall? A broken nose.

5,729

My girlfriend called me a pedophile yesterday... ...so I said, "That's a big word for a seven-year-old"

5,730

There's 3 kinds of people in this world people who can count, and people who can't count

5,731

Have you heard about the new Corduroy pillow cases? They have made all the headlines.

5,732

For the last time, I don't have any secret prison camps. Anyone who doesn't believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.

5,733

You know its my phone if it looks like someone fingerpainted the touch screen in donut glaze.

5,734

How can Rihanna tell when Chris Brown's cheating on her? The brand of makeup on his knuckle isn't hers.

5,735

What's the difference between the foundation of a building and the average Redittor? The foundation's been laid.

5,736

What were the political views of the librarian? She wanted open borders.

5,737

An artist found a way to draw a two-sided figure, but the International Geometry Summit immediately began to furiously contest the new shape... I say, let bi-gons be bi-gons

5,738

I just failed my butcher's exam. Mis-steaks were made.

5,739

Why was Edward stuck at the Russian airport? Because he was Snowden.

5,740

How do you bury a Jew? Dig a really deep hole and throw a penny in it.

5,741

All men approve of premarital sex...until they have a daughter.

5,742

I feel sorry for my testicles. They can't even hang out without being judged.

5,743

What's Bill Clinton's favorite Pink Floyd jam? Have a Cigar

5,744

A leaf and an emo fall from a tree. Who hits the ground first? The leaf. The rope stopped the emo.

5,745

If I died & went straight to hell it would probably take me 2 or 3 weeks before I realized I wasn't at work anymore.

5,746

What do you get when you cross pickle & deer? Dildo.

5,747

Two guys walk down the street And one falls through the window

5,748

What do you call a closet full of lesbians? A liquor cabinet.

5,749

Women know that men are like linoleum . . . If they lay 'em right the first time, they can walk on them for years.

5,750

"Don't dip your pen in company ink." - HR training seminar explaining why I shouldn't sleep with the receptionist...I think.

5,751

Shoutout to rattlesnakes and condoms... Because I don't fuck with either of them.

5,752

hey girl, are you my mom? cuz i'd like to kill your husband and fuck you

5,753

If Ice Cube and Snoop Dogg adopted a child... they could call it Slush Puppy :)

5,754

I've been working on my favorite puns... I took ten of the best puns I knew and entered them into a local radio contest, hoping that one would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

5,755

Why was the cat so small ? Because it only ate condensed milk !

5,756

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? It's not enough to change the bulb; we have to change the *system*.

5,757

When I was your age, I was outside all day until dark 15: The batteries on cell phones must have been a lot better back then Me: .........

5,758

A homophobe goes to the doctor to see if he has cancer... He says, "Give it to me straight, Doc."

5,759

Why do cows lie down in the rain? To keep each udder dry.

5,760

What's the difference between a black man and a bike? The bike doesn't start singing when you put a chain on it.

5,761

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i'm just wondering if you're going to eat all those nachos?

5,762

Why didn't Lebron go to college? he didn't want to show up for the finals

5,763

Father Christmas: What's your favourite Christmas story? Elf: The one about the ghost that steals porridge! Father Christmas: You mean 'Ghoul-di-locks'!

5,764

Why was Jeffrey Dahmer so healthy? Because he ate five fruits a day!

5,765

Apple Computer is taking steps to protect user privacy. Their new policy is iWon't tell...iPromise

5,766

[First day of dropping kids off at school] *Hugs and crying* [2nd day] "Get out!"

5,767

Hoot: How the hell can ya be so stupid? Jessie: Well it ain't somethin' yew can pick up overnight.

5,768

What did the first ape that could walk say to all the other apes? I'm walkin' here!

5,769

My buddy plays golf like a man masturbating in a cold shower No matter how he strokes it's just not going to happen

5,770

Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank.... I have no words right now to describe how angry I am.

5,771

What did the husband tell his wife to do after he slapped her? The same thing he told her the first time!

5,772

Why did Germany run out of gas? Because they gave it to the Jews I'll be in Argentina for awhile.

5,773

A man goes on reddit to read some jokes Only to find out that the same jokes keep appearing on every page!

5,774

Here's a joke for ya. A dyslexic man walks in to a bra.

5,775

My boyfriend said we could only get one cat. So I'm only getting one cat. One pregnant cat.

5,776

When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don't get robbed

5,777

Will Will Smith Smith? Yes... Will Smith will smith

5,778

What did the Indian man name his sandwich shop? New Delhi :D

5,779

It turns out if you cry at the DMV they'll let you take a second photo

5,780

Typos... that's just how I role.

5,781

Two people who really hate each other can suddenly really like each other if they can find someone else they can both really hate together.

5,782

Why was Stalin literally worse than Hitler? Because Hitler at least wrote his own books

5,783

Listen up: I wear the pants in this family. They're a lovely taffeta with a subtle flare to draw attention to my lace-up sandals.

5,784

I wonder who Rose is going to kill in Titanic II.

5,785

What's the most popular pub in the Middle East? The Allahu ak-Bar

5,786

My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can't do that.

5,787

What do you call tea made by a stoned marsupial? High koala tea

5,788

What do Caitlyn Jenner and WWII have in common? The Battle of the Bulge.

5,789

What do pigs do on nice afternoons? They go on pignics.

5,790

Why does Vincent van Gogh always look forward to thenew year? Because everyone wishes him a new ear.

5,791

I'll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn't need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.

5,792

Q: Why doesn't Saddam go out drinking? A: Why should he when he can get bombed at home?

5,793

I read in the local paper someone was going around pickpocketing midgets. I never thought someone could stoop so low.

5,794

For computer geeks. Less isn't more, less is more.

5,795

The angry moment when you plug your charger into your phone but you realize hours later your charger wasn't plugged in.

5,796

What do you call a rich South American? A Brazilianaire!

5,797

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I'd say skin.

5,798

What do you say to a pregnant woman who wants to force her child to become a Rabbi? When is the baby Jew?

5,799

I'm 72 minutes in trying to reverse whatever my 3 y/o nephew did in one second to the TV remote.

5,800

I called my Colectomy surgeon's office... To check on my appointment. A man with a Russian accent answered the phone saying, "Thank you for colon."