ysharma/short_jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

ID int64 1 232k	Joke stringlengths 10 200
5,801	It's 2011 and we're not driving dragons? The future sickens me.
5,802	[2 Years into Cosmetology School] Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
5,803	The Golden Globes is how everyone else on twitter gets revenge on sports fans.
5,804	me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone [doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs? me: im trying to tell you
5,805	My friend told me that each person creates 10 tons of CO2 a year, and said I should be taking steps to bring that number down so I shot a guy.
5,806	What's the difference between little girls and wine? Wine gets better as it gets older
5,807	Anyone remember the joke about the dwarf? Can't think right now, should be easy to remember, it was only a short one.
5,808	What does a mathematician get from a day at the beach? Tan lines.
5,809	I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, "Are you the opposite sex, or am I."
5,810	What do you call a group of obese gender reassigned persons? Trans fats.
5,811	Why don't the french like kiwifruit? Because of the green piece inside.
5,812	Did you know that the idea of recycling actually came about from a group of pirates? They came up with the idea of the four R's.
5,813	"i'll be back" --arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
5,814	Show me a man who calls himself a vegan and I'll show you a man who's trying to sleep with a vegan.
5,815	Dear movies, We'll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never. Sincerely, Women
5,816	Why do female skydivers wear tampons? So they don't whistle on the way down.
5,817	I now feel I've watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I'll be able to successfully make it in prison.
5,818	Asiana Airlines will be filing a lawsuit against KTVU for its inappropriate and racist names that were falsely broadcasted mid day Friday 7/12... ....said Asiana's attorney Wi Su Yu
5,819	What do you call a black widow trapped in a bowl of noodles? Natasha Ramenoff
5,820	What's Harry Potter's favorite way to go down a hill? Walking...JK, Rolling!
5,821	What has 3 thumbs and was born near a nuclear power plant? This guy
5,822	LMAOSHMSFOAIDMT = Laughing my ass off so hard my sombrero fell off and I dropped my taco.
5,823	Has anyone seen my sex doll? Of course I checked the tree house. Oh wait, it's here on the front lawn, still in your wedding dress LOL
5,824	Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00. Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it? E1: Lol, "amusement park."
5,825	In a furious argument, the wife tells her husband... - I should have married the devil instead of you! - Well, that's impossible. Marriage between cousins is forbidden!
5,826	Why did the chicken cross the park? To get to the other slide...
5,827	Jokes about unemployed people aren't funny they just don't work.
5,828	How do generals show their gratitude to their troops? They give tanks.
5,829	"If you don't let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you." Liam Neeson returns in... TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER'S PISSED (Summer 2015)
5,830	When people say "I'm not getting any younger!" I wonder what other basic life concepts they just learned.
5,831	What's your favorite medical joke? I've memorized a lot of jokes from a previous "doctor joke" thread, and need some fresh material!
5,832	Does the employee manual say I CAN'T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
5,833	Anybody ever get paid to smuggle drugs in their butt? ... Cause it sounds like a dope ass job.
5,834	Figured out how to make my dick 1mm Fold it in half
5,835	How do you tell the difference between an East Indian Chef and a porn star? Ask them to pronounce the word cumin.
5,836	Why would Donald Trump want to lose the election? Winning means he'd need to live in a smaller house in a black neighborhood
5,837	What's the difference between a Trump voter and a polar bear? One is a fat, white, mindless killing machine with no conscience or future, and the other is a bear.
5,838	My doctor told me if I was 5" taller I'd be at the ideal weight, so I'm going to try and give that a shot.
5,839	So I bought a nihilistic pencil It's pointless.
5,840	Why do humans mainly use the decimal number system? It's just what we tend to do
5,841	It's ironic that most people don't understand irony
5,842	What do you get when eating toast in bed? Un-crumb-fortable
5,843	If you add 'ish' on the end of the time, you're not really late.
5,844	Why does OSHA hate porn? It's nsfw
5,845	Why are teenage girls so odd? Because they can't even.
5,846	the average Russian day When you ask a Russian how his day is going. "It is an average day today: not as good as yesterday, but better than tomorrow."
5,847	I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
5,848	How do you stop a baby from crawling in a circle? Nail it's other hand to the floor.
5,849	Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
5,850	Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue you've broken!! Sardar: Thank God! I thought it was a new one!
5,851	Ever wonder why tiny little paper cuts hurt so bad? Cause you're a pussy
5,852	"Why does that guy always get all the women?" "I don't know...he isn't very handsome or rich" "And he's a terrible conversationalist - all he does is sit there licking his eyebrows"
5,853	My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
5,854	What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer? They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.
5,855	The American healthcare system .
5,856	Helen Keller walks into a bar... ... then a chair and then a table.
5,857	What's the generic name for Viagra? Mycoxafloppin.
5,858	Whats the hardest part about roller skating Telling your parents you are gay
5,859	One month of nofap here i pun! *Cum
5,860	What is a Mexican's favorite bookstore? Borders
5,861	I had a converstation with my employer, who recently purchased a new car, today. I said, "nice car!", he replied, "I'm sure you said that yesterday...".
5,862	What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? Shoot him again.
5,863	I have an old resolution 640x480
5,864	Wanna hear a joke about sodium? Na
5,865	Heard of the man who banged an ATM? He came into a lot of money
5,866	Starbucks and Hooters should merge. Can you imagine ordering a Double D Latte? Everything you need in a cup or two.
5,867	Alcohol is like liquid Photoshop for real life.
5,868	I rode a taxi It was fake
5,869	I'm more likely to wear a donut on my wrist than any fitness tracker.
5,870	"Daddy, are vampires real?" "No, sweetie. Go back to bed." waits until daughter is asleep grabs red Sharpie draws 2 dots on her neck
5,871	Like a flat tire.......how I'm rolling this morning.
5,872	I never date girls from china... That's a big red flag.
5,873	When I see 18 wheelers carrying something covered with a tarp, I just assume that it's an injured Transformer.
5,874	Everytime I pull a prank on Niagara She falls for it
5,875	What do kazoos and my father have in common? They were both around for a short time in the '90s only to be unheard of from then on.
5,876	I ordered a chicken and egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
5,877	I'd tell you the joke about the pirate But I don't think its arrrrrrpropriate.
5,878	What's a russian's favorite golf club? A putin wedge.
5,879	My dad was fired from his job in road work for theft... I didn't believe it at first. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
5,880	Rudolph is the only reindeer who doesn't have a stripper name.
5,881	I've been out of work for so long that I've almost forgotten how to hate people.
5,882	Have you been to /r/brucejennerspenis? I heard it was removed.
5,883	HR: Know why we called you down? Me: Hmm...a raise? HR: You know we monitor internet usage right? Me: I'd like to report a hacking!
5,884	Why don't Jews eat pussy? It's too close to the gas chamber
5,885	A young boy died after having sex with his teacher... His friends high fived him to death. Zak galifinakorishdjignko
5,886	I thought time away from my phone would be good, but then I thought of a tweet & had to write it on a Post-it note like some fucking savage.
5,887	What's black and doesn't work? A broken TV.............. racist.
5,888	What does marriage have in common with a deck of cards? In the beginning, you only need two hearts and a diamond. Later on, a club and a spade.
5,889	What's the cheapest form of birth control? Casey Anthony
5,890	Taco Bell doesn't have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
5,891	Did you hear about that guy who got the entire left side of his body cut off? Yeah but he is all right now
5,892	DON'T TOUCH ME! AND YOU'RE BREATHING WRONG! STOP IT! -wives, on their period Or if they're hungry. Or if you are actually breathing wrong.
5,893	Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake
5,894	Camping as a couple is stressful... ...it's two in tents.
5,895	How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb? YOU WOULDN'T KNOW!!! YOU WEREN'T THERE!
5,896	It's all fun and games until HR sends an email with "Your Twitter Account" in the subject line.
5,897	my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
5,898	I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you'll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
5,899	Does anyone have the address for starving kids in Africa? Our daughter doesn't want her waffle fries.
5,900	Bakers trade bread recipes... on a knead-to-know basis.

5,801

It's 2011 and we're not driving dragons? The future sickens me.

5,802

[2 Years into Cosmetology School] Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?

5,803

The Golden Globes is how everyone else on twitter gets revenge on sports fans.

5,804

me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone [doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs? me: im trying to tell you

5,805

My friend told me that each person creates 10 tons of CO2 a year, and said I should be taking steps to bring that number down so I shot a guy.

5,806

What's the difference between little girls and wine? Wine gets better as it gets older

5,807

Anyone remember the joke about the dwarf? Can't think right now, should be easy to remember, it was only a short one.

5,808

What does a mathematician get from a day at the beach? Tan lines.

5,809

I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, "Are you the opposite sex, or am I."

5,810

What do you call a group of obese gender reassigned persons? Trans fats.

5,811

Why don't the french like kiwifruit? Because of the green piece inside.

5,812

Did you know that the idea of recycling actually came about from a group of pirates? They came up with the idea of the four R's.

5,813

"i'll be back" --arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume

5,814

Show me a man who calls himself a vegan and I'll show you a man who's trying to sleep with a vegan.

5,815

Dear movies, We'll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never. Sincerely, Women

5,816

Why do female skydivers wear tampons? So they don't whistle on the way down.

5,817

I now feel I've watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I'll be able to successfully make it in prison.

5,818

Asiana Airlines will be filing a lawsuit against KTVU for its inappropriate and racist names that were falsely broadcasted mid day Friday 7/12... ....said Asiana's attorney Wi Su Yu

5,819

What do you call a black widow trapped in a bowl of noodles? Natasha Ramenoff

5,820

What's Harry Potter's favorite way to go down a hill? Walking...JK, Rolling!

5,821

What has 3 thumbs and was born near a nuclear power plant? This guy

5,822

LMAOSHMSFOAIDMT = Laughing my ass off so hard my sombrero fell off and I dropped my taco.

5,823

Has anyone seen my sex doll? Of course I checked the tree house. Oh wait, it's here on the front lawn, still in your wedding dress LOL

5,824

Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00. Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it? E1: Lol, "amusement park."

5,825

In a furious argument, the wife tells her husband... - I should have married the devil instead of you! - Well, that's impossible. Marriage between cousins is forbidden!

5,826

Why did the chicken cross the park? To get to the other slide...

5,827

Jokes about unemployed people aren't funny they just don't work.

5,828

How do generals show their gratitude to their troops? They give tanks.

5,829

"If you don't let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you." Liam Neeson returns in... TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER'S PISSED (Summer 2015)

5,830

When people say "I'm not getting any younger!" I wonder what other basic life concepts they just learned.

5,831

What's your favorite medical joke? I've memorized a lot of jokes from a previous "doctor joke" thread, and need some fresh material!

5,832

Does the employee manual say I CAN'T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.

5,833

Anybody ever get paid to smuggle drugs in their butt? ... Cause it sounds like a dope ass job.

5,834

Figured out how to make my dick 1mm Fold it in half

5,835

How do you tell the difference between an East Indian Chef and a porn star? Ask them to pronounce the word cumin.

5,836

Why would Donald Trump want to lose the election? Winning means he'd need to live in a smaller house in a black neighborhood

5,837

What's the difference between a Trump voter and a polar bear? One is a fat, white, mindless killing machine with no conscience or future, and the other is a bear.

5,838

My doctor told me if I was 5" taller I'd be at the ideal weight, so I'm going to try and give that a shot.

5,839

So I bought a nihilistic pencil It's pointless.

5,840

Why do humans mainly use the decimal number system? It's just what we tend to do

5,841

It's ironic that most people don't understand irony

5,842

What do you get when eating toast in bed? Un-crumb-fortable

5,843

If you add 'ish' on the end of the time, you're not really late.

5,844

Why does OSHA hate porn? It's nsfw

5,845

Why are teenage girls so odd? Because they can't even.

5,846

the average Russian day When you ask a Russian how his day is going. "It is an average day today: not as good as yesterday, but better than tomorrow."

5,847

I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.

5,848

How do you stop a baby from crawling in a circle? Nail it's other hand to the floor.

5,849

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

5,850

Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue you've broken!! Sardar: Thank God! I thought it was a new one!

5,851

Ever wonder why tiny little paper cuts hurt so bad? Cause you're a pussy

5,852

"Why does that guy always get all the women?" "I don't know...he isn't very handsome or rich" "And he's a terrible conversationalist - all he does is sit there licking his eyebrows"

5,853

My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.

5,854

What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer? They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.

5,855

The American healthcare system .

5,856

Helen Keller walks into a bar... ... then a chair and then a table.

5,857

What's the generic name for Viagra? Mycoxafloppin.

5,858

Whats the hardest part about roller skating Telling your parents you are gay

5,859

One month of nofap here i pun! *Cum

5,860

What is a Mexican's favorite bookstore? Borders

5,861

I had a converstation with my employer, who recently purchased a new car, today. I said, "nice car!", he replied, "I'm sure you said that yesterday...".

5,862

What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? Shoot him again.

5,863

I have an old resolution 640x480

5,864

Wanna hear a joke about sodium? Na

5,865

Heard of the man who banged an ATM? He came into a lot of money

5,866

Starbucks and Hooters should merge. Can you imagine ordering a Double D Latte? Everything you need in a cup or two.

5,867

Alcohol is like liquid Photoshop for real life.

5,868

I rode a taxi It was fake

5,869

I'm more likely to wear a donut on my wrist than any fitness tracker.

5,870

"Daddy, are vampires real?" "No, sweetie. Go back to bed." *waits until daughter is asleep* *grabs red Sharpie* *draws 2 dots on her neck*

5,871

Like a flat tire.......how I'm rolling this morning.

5,872

I never date girls from china... That's a big red flag.

5,873

When I see 18 wheelers carrying something covered with a tarp, I just assume that it's an injured Transformer.

5,874

Everytime I pull a prank on Niagara She falls for it

5,875

What do kazoos and my father have in common? They were both around for a short time in the '90s only to be unheard of from then on.

5,876

I ordered a chicken and egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.

5,877

I'd tell you the joke about the pirate But I don't think its arrrrrrpropriate.

5,878

What's a russian's favorite golf club? A putin wedge.

5,879

My dad was fired from his job in road work for theft... I didn't believe it at first. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

5,880

Rudolph is the only reindeer who doesn't have a stripper name.

5,881

I've been out of work for so long that I've almost forgotten how to hate people.

5,882

Have you been to /r/brucejennerspenis? I heard it was removed.

5,883

HR: Know why we called you down? Me: Hmm...a raise? HR: You know we monitor internet usage right? Me: I'd like to report a hacking!

5,884

Why don't Jews eat pussy? It's too close to the gas chamber

5,885

A young boy died after having sex with his teacher... His friends high fived him to death. Zak galifinakorishdjignko

5,886

I thought time away from my phone would be good, but then I thought of a tweet & had to write it on a Post-it note like some fucking savage.

5,887

What's black and doesn't work? A broken TV.............. racist.

5,888

What does marriage have in common with a deck of cards? In the beginning, you only need two hearts and a diamond. Later on, a club and a spade.

5,889

What's the cheapest form of birth control? Casey Anthony

5,890

Taco Bell doesn't have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants

5,891

Did you hear about that guy who got the entire left side of his body cut off? Yeah but he is all right now

5,892

DON'T TOUCH ME! AND YOU'RE BREATHING WRONG! STOP IT! -wives, on their period Or if they're hungry. Or if you are actually breathing wrong.

5,893

Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake

5,894

Camping as a couple is stressful... ...it's two in tents.

5,895

How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb? YOU WOULDN'T KNOW!!! YOU WEREN'T THERE!

5,896

It's all fun and games until HR sends an email with "Your Twitter Account" in the subject line.

5,897

my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera

5,898

I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you'll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.

5,899

Does anyone have the address for starving kids in Africa? Our daughter doesn't want her waffle fries.

5,900

Bakers trade bread recipes... on a knead-to-know basis.