ysharma/short_jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

ID int64 1 232k	Joke stringlengths 10 200
5,501	Did you hear about the LEGO truck that crashed on the highway? Authorities are still trying to piece everything together...
5,502	What do you call a man with no shin Toe knee
5,503	What's the worst part about being black and jewish? You have to sit in the back of the oven.
5,504	out of all the lies ive told just kidding is my favorite. I don't get it?
5,505	What is Dwight Schrute's hometown? Nanda Parbeets.
5,506	My parents are mixed raced. My Dad prefers the 100 meters, and my mother is Pakistani. ~ Stewart Francis.
5,507	Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.
5,508	Girls are like math problems... If they are under 18, it's best you do them in your head.
5,509	What is the difference between my car and Whitney Houston? My car can hit 50.
5,510	Woke up at 5 am. Early to bed early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Not to mention completely delusional about being healthy, wealthy, and wise.
5,511	The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
5,512	Life is life, Sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium.
5,513	How much lube does the Hamburglar need to fuck his kinky girlfriend? About a quart to pound her with cheese.
5,514	I told this guy I was arguing with if he stepped one more step closer I would hit him in the face, but he kept walking right to me. I guess he didn't understand the punchline.
5,515	The 7 Habits of Highly Successful Nun Impersonators
5,516	What's 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole? OBAMA'S tie
5,517	What did the dejected man say to the considerate calculator trying to console him? It's the bot that counts.
5,518	Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his nephew in the jungle? ...
5,519	i must be really good on the phone Whenever I call a company, they tell me they are going to use my call for training purposes.
5,520	I hit a can of bug spray with a hammer and my dad walked in the room. He caught me beating Off
5,521	Police: Viagra on the Rise as Recreational Drug Amongst Urban Youth The Boys in the Hood are always hard.
5,522	Name please "Yo-Yo Ma" Your full name [quietly] "Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade"
5,523	Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY "No thanks, I'll eat something else."
5,524	My Grandpa got his tongue shot off in the war... But He never talks about it.
5,525	What's the difference between boogers and rice pudding? Nobody eats rice pudding.
5,526	9: What did that message on the TV say Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen 9: How do they know what size TV we have?
5,527	"Hi?" -First cow being milked
5,528	What are the strongest days? Saturday and Sundays. The others are weakdays
5,529	Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
5,530	Abortion clinics are awful. But their smoothies are to die for.
5,531	84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are "cute"
5,532	Whats the difference between a priest and acne?? Acne waits until your 12 to come on your face.
5,533	My mom let the street raise me, which is why the only things I'm really good at are letters, numbers, and talking like Cookie Monster.
5,534	"Knok Knock " -"Knok Knock." ="Who's there ?" -"Grandad" ="Shit, stop the funeral" credit: Gary Delaney
5,535	I haven't made egg jokes in a while I thought I'd take a crack at them
5,536	50 shades of hay [50 shades of hay](http://imgur.com/YRGs7P0)
5,537	The symptoms of Ebola... ... are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea & stomach pains. The exact same kind of feeling that a husband gets when he sees his wife going through his phone and messages ..
5,538	Two Irishman walk out of a pub. It could happen.
5,539	Rappers are terrible with pets: the Baja Men let their dogs out, DMX never knows where his dogs are at, and Pitbull is awful.
5,540	Death Joke "My grandfather knew the exact time of the exact day of the exact year that he would die." "Wow, what an evolved soul! How did it come to him?" "The judge told him."
5,541	I go to the gym religiously. You know, once or twice a year around the holidays.
5,542	Why are camels known as the ships of the desert? Because they're filled with Arab semen.
5,543	Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't!
5,544	McDonald's being the official restaurant of the Olympics is like smoking being the official medicine of cancer.
5,545	You know, gas prices really aren't that bad when you consider that you're essentially buying dinosaurs in liquid form.
5,546	10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU'RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
5,547	What do you call a party with no Filipino people? A no-Nguyen scenario.
5,548	The police are looking for a thief with one eye Why don't they use two?
5,549	Texting someone back while driving just means that you love them enough to actually die for them.
5,550	Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh it's all right. I know what's inside.
5,551	What's smaller than a teenie weenie ant? An ant's teenie weenie!
5,552	I'm wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
5,553	I named my eraser Confidence It gets smaller every time I make a mistake.
5,554	Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I'm gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
5,555	Tries to hit the gym Gym hits back
5,556	MATH JOKE: The ladies call me an integral ...because I fill the area under their curves
5,557	What's Rick Grimes' favorite holiday? Christmas, Carl
5,558	The iPhone doesn't have a headphone jack and the Samsung battery is exploding... It's like the mobile equivalent of our presidential election!
5,559	After two divorces, I think I've found the key to a successful marriage. Don't marry a c*nt.
5,560	Her: You know when you're craving a cheeseburger but you order a salad instead... Me: (wiping ketchup off my face with my sleeve) No.
5,561	Calling Sony comments"racially insensitive remarks" instead of "racist"? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don't make it a sundae.
5,562	Did you hear about the Mexican Train Killer? He had loco motives
5,563	[commercial] Narrator: These are real people and not actors- Actor watching the commercial: throws lamp at TV WE'RE PEOPLE TOO!
5,564	What will men do if women become extinct? Domesticate another animal.
5,565	I skipped the 9 puns and killed the last one. That's a pun in ten dead.
5,566	I've seen: UFOs Ghosts A Two Headed Turtle Kimodo Dragons But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
5,567	Anyone need a job? I hear Malaysia Airlines is looking for people. ^im ^so ^sorry
5,568	If you have a dog grooming business and it's not called "Doggie Style" then something is wrong with you.
5,569	I will die one day at a Del Taco, shot dead by a SWAT team after taking several hostages over what I feel is the meaning of extra cheese.
5,570	My wife ordered a pizza from Papa John's but I saved a step by throwing up before it got here.
5,571	"Pikachu, use astonish!" Leans into opponent's ear "Jet fuel can't melt steel beams."
5,572	I've always wanted a job cleaning mirrors... It's just something I can see myself doing.
5,573	What did the businessman wear to the thai restaurant? A plaid tie.
5,574	Respond to every "How was your weekend?" today by staring off into the distance & whispering "So much blood..."
5,575	I should've been a sniper. They get to lie around all day and hardly lift a finger.
5,576	Why don't old women ever have sex? ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
5,577	Text from niece: I'm board! M: Perhaps you could work on your spelling. N: Wat?
5,578	Why are TV's attracted to people? Because we turn them on. /Badumtss/
5,579	Every time I see an obese family at a buffet, I throw a sack of marbles onto the table and have a live showing of Hungry Hungry Hippos.
5,580	A man visits a prostitute The man says, "I want to have sex with you for $200, but then I also want to hit you" The prostitute asks, "For how long?" The man replies, "Until I have my money back!"
5,581	Why did the Titanic have a hard time getting a date? It couldn't break the ice.
5,582	What makes light beer and having sex on a canoe essentially the same thing? They are both fucking close to water.
5,583	Once you have to start paying a babysitter every time you go out, you realize most friendships aren't worth it.
5,584	What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.
5,585	Why didn't the Smurfs fit in the house? There wasn't [mushroom](http://i.imgur.com/Yt9AWCO.jpg)
5,586	Him: why doesn't anyone want me? Me: I want you. Him: why doesn't anyone else want me?
5,587	In hell, your socks are always wet
5,588	A bunch of police officers were outside of a gas station today Apparently someone threw a case of beer ontop of his baby. The baby is okay though, it was a light beer
5,589	Apparently googling "how to get suspended with pay" from my work computer is frowned on by my employer.
5,590	[ISIS cuts off some dudes heads] Whoa thats messed up you better quit it! [ISIS breaks old rocks] OKAY WE HAVE TO STOP THEM NOW.
5,591	Where does Amy go after the explosion? EVERYWHERE!!!
5,592	Guns don't kill people People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
5,593	Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it's impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
5,594	"You know what? Guys should play ALL the parts. We could even wear dresses and kiss and stuff." - Shakespeare's gay friend
5,595	Noisy Nights by Constance Norah
5,596	Do you know you can't hang a man with a wooden leg in Maine? You have to use a rope.
5,597	What did one dog say to the other when he wanted a marker? "Pass the Shar Pei, please."
5,598	What happens when Vladimir Putin stands up too fast? Head Russian...
5,599	The best part of September is fucking with Green Day during their hibernation.
5,600	What did the doctor say to the man who walked off the roof of his house? I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation.

5,501

Did you hear about the LEGO truck that crashed on the highway? Authorities are still trying to piece everything together...

5,502

What do you call a man with no shin Toe knee

5,503

What's the worst part about being black and jewish? You have to sit in the back of the oven.

5,504

out of all the lies ive told just kidding is my favorite. I don't get it?

5,505

What is Dwight Schrute's hometown? Nanda Parbeets.

5,506

My parents are mixed raced. My Dad prefers the 100 meters, and my mother is Pakistani. ~ Stewart Francis.

5,507

Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.

5,508

Girls are like math problems... If they are under 18, it's best you do them in your head.

5,509

What is the difference between my car and Whitney Houston? My car can hit 50.

5,510

Woke up at 5 am. Early to bed early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. Not to mention completely delusional about being healthy, wealthy, and wise.

5,511

The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.

5,512

Life is life, Sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium.

5,513

How much lube does the Hamburglar need to fuck his kinky girlfriend? About a quart to pound her with cheese.

5,514

I told this guy I was arguing with if he stepped one more step closer I would hit him in the face, but he kept walking right to me. I guess he didn't understand the punchline.

5,515

The 7 Habits of Highly Successful Nun Impersonators

5,516

What's 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole? OBAMA'S tie

5,517

What did the dejected man say to the considerate calculator trying to console him? It's the bot that counts.

5,518

Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his nephew in the jungle? ...

5,519

i must be really good on the phone Whenever I call a company, they tell me they are going to use my call for training purposes.

5,520

I hit a can of bug spray with a hammer and my dad walked in the room. He caught me beating Off

5,521

Police: Viagra on the Rise as Recreational Drug Amongst Urban Youth The Boys in the Hood are always hard.

5,522

Name please "Yo-Yo Ma" Your full name [quietly] "Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade"

5,523

Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY "No thanks, I'll eat something else."

5,524

My Grandpa got his tongue shot off in the war... But He never talks about it.

5,525

What's the difference between boogers and rice pudding? Nobody eats rice pudding.

5,526

9: What did that message on the TV say Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen 9: How do they know what size TV we have?

5,527

"Hi?" -First cow being milked

5,528

What are the strongest days? Saturday and Sundays. The others are weakdays

5,529

Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.

5,530

Abortion clinics are awful. But their smoothies are to die for.

5,531

84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are "cute"

5,532

Whats the difference between a priest and acne?? Acne waits until your 12 to come on your face.

5,533

My mom let the street raise me, which is why the only things I'm really good at are letters, numbers, and talking like Cookie Monster.

5,534

"Knok Knock " -"Knok Knock." ="Who's there ?" -"Grandad" ="Shit, stop the funeral" credit: Gary Delaney

5,535

I haven't made egg jokes in a while I thought I'd take a crack at them

5,536

50 shades of hay [50 shades of hay](http://imgur.com/YRGs7P0)

5,537

The symptoms of Ebola... ... are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea & stomach pains. The exact same kind of feeling that a husband gets when he sees his wife going through his phone and messages ..

5,538

Two Irishman walk out of a pub. It could happen.

5,539

Rappers are terrible with pets: the Baja Men let their dogs out, DMX never knows where his dogs are at, and Pitbull is awful.

5,540

Death Joke "My grandfather knew the exact time of the exact day of the exact year that he would die." "Wow, what an evolved soul! How did it come to him?" "The judge told him."

5,541

I go to the gym religiously. You know, once or twice a year around the holidays.

5,542

Why are camels known as the ships of the desert? Because they're filled with Arab semen.

5,543

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't!

5,544

McDonald's being the official restaurant of the Olympics is like smoking being the official medicine of cancer.

5,545

You know, gas prices really aren't that bad when you consider that you're essentially buying dinosaurs in liquid form.

5,546

10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU'RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST

5,547

What do you call a party with no Filipino people? A no-Nguyen scenario.

5,548

The police are looking for a thief with one eye Why don't they use two?

5,549

Texting someone back while driving just means that you love them enough to actually die for them.

5,550

Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh it's all right. I know what's inside.

5,551

What's smaller than a teenie weenie ant? An ant's teenie weenie!

5,552

I'm wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

5,553

I named my eraser Confidence It gets smaller every time I make a mistake.

5,554

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I'm gonna have to maul the shit out of you.

5,555

*Tries to hit the gym* *Gym hits back*

5,556

MATH JOKE: The ladies call me an integral ...because I fill the area under their curves

5,557

What's Rick Grimes' favorite holiday? Christmas, Carl

5,558

The iPhone doesn't have a headphone jack and the Samsung battery is exploding... It's like the mobile equivalent of our presidential election!

5,559

After two divorces, I think I've found the key to a successful marriage. Don't marry a c*nt.

5,560

Her: You know when you're craving a cheeseburger but you order a salad instead... Me: (wiping ketchup off my face with my sleeve) No.

5,561

Calling Sony comments"racially insensitive remarks" instead of "racist"? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don't make it a sundae.

5,562

Did you hear about the Mexican Train Killer? He had loco motives

5,563

[commercial] Narrator: These are real people and not actors- Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE'RE PEOPLE TOO!

5,564

What will men do if women become extinct? Domesticate another animal.

5,565

I skipped the 9 puns and killed the last one. That's a pun in ten dead.

5,566

I've seen: UFOs Ghosts A Two Headed Turtle Kimodo Dragons But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

5,567

Anyone need a job? I hear Malaysia Airlines is looking for people. ^im ^so ^sorry

5,568

If you have a dog grooming business and it's not called "Doggie Style" then something is wrong with you.

5,569

I will die one day at a Del Taco, shot dead by a SWAT team after taking several hostages over what I feel is the meaning of extra cheese.

5,570

My wife ordered a pizza from Papa John's but I saved a step by throwing up before it got here.

5,571

"Pikachu, use astonish!" *Leans into opponent's ear* "Jet fuel can't melt steel beams."

5,572

I've always wanted a job cleaning mirrors... It's just something I can see myself doing.

5,573

What did the businessman wear to the thai restaurant? A plaid tie.

5,574

Respond to every "How was your weekend?" today by staring off into the distance & whispering "So much blood..."

5,575

I should've been a sniper. They get to lie around all day and hardly lift a finger.

5,576

Why don't old women ever have sex? ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

5,577

Text from niece: I'm board! M: Perhaps you could work on your spelling. N: Wat?

5,578

Why are TV's attracted to people? Because we turn them on. /*Badumtss*/

5,579

Every time I see an obese family at a buffet, I throw a sack of marbles onto the table and have a live showing of Hungry Hungry Hippos.

5,580

A man visits a prostitute The man says, "I want to have sex with you for $200, but then I also want to hit you" The prostitute asks, "For how long?" The man replies, "Until I have my money back!"

5,581

Why did the Titanic have a hard time getting a date? It couldn't break the ice.

5,582

What makes light beer and having sex on a canoe essentially the same thing? They are both fucking close to water.

5,583

Once you have to start paying a babysitter every time you go out, you realize most friendships aren't worth it.

5,584

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.

5,585

Why didn't the Smurfs fit in the house? There wasn't [mushroom](http://i.imgur.com/Yt9AWCO.jpg)

5,586

Him: why doesn't anyone want me? Me: I want you. Him: why doesn't anyone else want me?

5,587

In hell, your socks are always wet

5,588

A bunch of police officers were outside of a gas station today Apparently someone threw a case of beer ontop of his baby. The baby is okay though, it was a light beer

5,589

Apparently googling "how to get suspended with pay" from my work computer is frowned on by my employer.

5,590

[ISIS cuts off some dudes heads] Whoa thats messed up you better quit it! [ISIS breaks old rocks] OKAY WE HAVE TO STOP THEM NOW.

5,591

Where does Amy go after the explosion? EVERYWHERE!!!

5,592

Guns don't kill people People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people

5,593

Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it's impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?

5,594

"You know what? Guys should play ALL the parts. We could even wear dresses and kiss and stuff." - Shakespeare's gay friend

5,595

Noisy Nights by Constance Norah

5,596

Do you know you can't hang a man with a wooden leg in Maine? You have to use a rope.

5,597

What did one dog say to the other when he wanted a marker? "Pass the Shar Pei, please."

5,598

What happens when Vladimir Putin stands up too fast? Head Russian...

5,599

The best part of September is fucking with Green Day during their hibernation.

5,600

What did the doctor say to the man who walked off the roof of his house? I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation.