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5,301 | 'I like the smell of your meat' may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch. |
5,302 | why did my wife didn't like her jewellery? cuz she is a nazi |
5,303 | Happy International Women's day. Or a sad one. Or an angry one. Or a passive aggressive one. You never really know with women. |
5,304 | How many men does it take to open a can of beer? None. It should be open by the time she brings it to the couch. |
5,305 | What game do reindeer play in their stalls? Stable-tennis! |
5,306 | Q. "Why do the KGB operate in groups of three?" A. "One can read, one can write and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals." |
5,307 | If she says, "I'm OK," you're fine. If she says, "I'm Fine," You're not OK. |
5,308 | "And the Lord said unto John....... |
5,309 | Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. |
5,310 | INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us ME: yes...why do i want this job INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig] |
5,311 | I finally found a girl with the same beliefs as my family She believes I'll amount to nothing as well. |
5,312 | Is chicken soup good for your health ? Not if you're the chicken ! |
5,313 | I lost my virginity to a mentally disabled girl last night I wanted my first time to be special. |
5,314 | Holy Communion: PRIEST:"This is the body of Christ. Take it " ME:"Uum,can I instagram it first?" *We laughed & then I was excommunicated* |
5,315 | So I Organized a three-way last night... There was a couple of no-shows, but overall, it worked out fine. |
5,316 | I've just enjoyed a meal of Chicken Tarka Masala... It's like Chicken Tikka, only otter. |
5,317 | What does a vegetarian zombie eat? Grrrains. |
5,318 | I wish you were on the football team because I'd love to see your backfield in motion. |
5,319 | What shampoo do dragons prefer? Head & Smolders |
5,320 | What does caravans and women underwear have in common? Both are in the way if you are in a hurry |
5,321 | Why does a chicken coop have two doors ? Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan! |
5,322 | I like my women like I like my Little Caesar's pizza- Hot & Ready. |
5,323 | What does a paedophile like to do while on vacation? Get some son. |
5,324 | Standing in the Park wondering why... I was standing in the Park wondering why Frisbies appear larger the closer it gets. Then it hit me. |
5,325 | You what's great about dick jokes? They're just so easy to slip in there |
5,326 | I've had an awful year. I lost my job, broke my leg and my wife's run off with my best friend... I do miss him. |
5,327 | I wouldn't create a palindrome for a Klondike Bar. But I'd... Murder for a jar of red rum. |
5,328 | What do a baby and a pancake have in common? If it s black it ain t good |
5,329 | Why is it so hard for programmers to get a prescription for pain killers? They have a history with codeine. |
5,330 | Life is like a penis... Life is like a penis, simple, chilled and free. It's women who make it hard... And kids who make it harder. |
5,331 | My neighbor just threw out the biggest trash I have ever seen.. Boy, I will surely miss Mrs. Jones |
5,332 | An M&M for 50 cent!? That's Ludacris! |
5,333 | I accidentally mixed the I Can't Believe It's Not Butter in with the regular butter and NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE! |
5,334 | Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain. |
5,335 | If you're going to walk really slowly in front of me you should at least have the courtesy to have a slammin booty. |
5,336 | I lost my job performing circumcisions I just couldn't cut it. |
5,337 | [doorbell] "Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?" "You have cookies?" "No, sir I-" "Come back when you have cookies." *closes door* |
5,338 | Me: *slides note to bank teller* Bank Teller: So....you're not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with "mad cash" on your face? |
5,339 | Q. What's the rudest type of Elf? A. The GofuckyoursElf. |
5,340 | What do you say when comforting a grammar nazi? There, their, they're...... |
5,341 | My dad could kick ur dads ass! Um have u seen my dad Hes a big guy huh? No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back |
5,342 | did you hear about the cannibal in school? it was a struggle, but eventually he passed the class. |
5,343 | My best friend kept bragging about his expensive yacht Had to tell him to stop showboating. |
5,344 | When a person says a book is so good they can't put it down, but yet, are not holding that book. This is why I have trust issues. |
5,345 | How are babies like hinges? They are things to adore |
5,346 | KONY 2012 What Uganda do about it? |
5,347 | HR: You know why you're here? Me: So we can be alone? HR: Your new nickname is a problem. Me: We all have them. HR: Yes, but Sperminator? |
5,348 | What's the difference between a petri dish and white people? A petri dish develops a culture. |
5,349 | How many potatoes does it take to kill an irish family? None |
5,350 | A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.nWhat in the hell do they put in butterflys? |
5,351 | what is the hardest part of eating a veggtable. might be offensive. THE WHEEL CHAIR! |
5,352 | Q: Why do so many fishermen own banjos? A: They make great anchors! |
5,353 | Thinking that you're on speaking terms with God is like finding out you've been playing both parts in an episode of "Catfish" |
5,354 | What is a blonde's favorite fairy tale? Humpme Dumpme! |
5,355 | My friend had one of those novelty leg lamps from the Christmas Story movie, but he lost it recently... Now he's a lamputee |
5,356 | Grandad: hey Sonny, what's the name of that German? Grandson: for the thousandth time grandad, it's Alzheimer |
5,357 | Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM Invisible Hands Adam: shit |
5,358 | If I learned anything from Forest Gump it's that people who love to run are retarded. |
5,359 | Choosing between Trader Joe's and Whole Foods is white people's real Twilight. |
5,360 | A man and his zebra There lives a man and his zebra Jose. Jose is hard of sight. Every morning, just at dawn, the man takes out Jose and askes him "Jose, can you see by the dawn's early light?" |
5,361 | Rappers, you don't have to tell them to wave their hands like they don't care. They're millennials: they already don't care. |
5,362 | My wife said sex with me is like a supersoaker water gun! Just two pumps and a squirt! |
5,363 | As a cop, I can't play PokemonGo... So I play Pokemon blacks: Gotta catch Jamal. |
5,364 | What did Joe Hill say when someone asked if he was Joe King? "No, I'm dead serious." |
5,365 | I was gonna make a joke about black people... , but it's too dark. |
5,366 | Did you hear about the guy who was told his genitals hadn't developed properly? He got a little testy. |
5,367 | You know it's a really good bar when there's a couple outside breaking up. |
5,368 | My wife said to me, "Isn't it odd how on our keyboard the letters ORPN have been worn out?" |
5,369 | It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs. Because they always take things literally. |
5,370 | Sorry, there's a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they're not funny. |
5,371 | What happened to the Marine that took a laxative? He was relieved of doodie. |
5,372 | What do you call someone who believes rotten eggs smell bad, but doesn't care? An eggsy-stench-alist. |
5,373 | I'm the Jason Bourne of avoiding people I know at Starbucks. |
5,374 | [traffic stop] COP: where ya headed? ME: on my way home COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat* ME: look at me when I'm speaking to you |
5,375 | Martin Shkreli. |
5,376 | Why did Dory warn Nemo about escaping through the toilet? Because it was a sewer side mission! |
5,377 | What do Romeo and Juliet have in common with melons? They both cantaloupe. |
5,378 | If Excel had a record label.... It would be Excel ENT. I'll see myself out. |
5,379 | What Time Is It? Its time for lunch. |
5,380 | My girlfriend told me I need to spice things up in the bedroom... So I told her I would cumin her pussy. (That joke only works sometimes because it's seasonal) |
5,381 | What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud |
5,382 | What was the jew doing in the ashtray? Family research. |
5,383 | I got the eye of the tiger ... and a lifetime ban from my local zoo. |
5,384 | I Wasn't Too Keen On The Idea Of Gay Parenting Until I met my wife, who was raised by two dads. That's when I came to my senses and realized.. NO MOTHER-IN-LAW! |
5,385 | You what the opposite of premature ejaculation is? Ejacu-late |
5,386 | What do you call a jew who works at a brewery? A he brew. |
5,387 | I might go to the airport and hold up a sign that says "BABES" and hope I get lucky. |
5,388 | Why do only 20 percent of blonde chicks lay Easter eggs? The rest are hunting peckers. |
5,389 | My fairy godmother asked me "Do you want a long penis or a long memory?" I don't remember my answer |
5,390 | That's nice that you're a Christian now. Could you maybe be a Christian a little quieter? |
5,391 | If you don't know the difference between there, their, and they're... Your a moron. |
5,392 | What do you call a woman in heaven? An Angel A crowd of women in heaven? - A host of Angels And all women in heaven? - PEACE ON EARTH! |
5,393 | How does a woman go about inventing something? She gives birth to a boy. |
5,394 | [in hell] Me: *sneeze* The devil: bless you Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool the devil: DAMN YOU Me, floating back to hell: dang |
5,395 | Why did the midget get slapped? Because he told a woman how nice her hair smelled. |
5,396 | Why aren't burgers the least bit scared of Halloween? They're used to people 'goblin' them! |
5,397 | What is Jared Fogle's favorite meat in his Subway subs? 9 year old weiners |
5,398 | Ever since I got my antivirus check done on my computer. Single Asian ladies don't wanna do it with me anymore. |
5,399 | How can you tell if someone has a Jamaican accent? They roll their J's. |
5,400 | Why do old men take Viagra? It stops them from rolling out of bed. |
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