ysharma/short_jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

ID int64 1 232k	Joke stringlengths 10 200
5,201	Wanted: Personal psychic for wealthy client. Salary: $10,000 per week plus bonuses. Free accommodation. 10 weeks paid leave per year. Company car. Generous pension scheme. You know where to apply.
5,202	My wife is upset we can't afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
5,203	Happy Hints To brighten your day, instead of going to the gym, go to Walmart You will feel a lot better about yourself
5,204	I really hate when people get brie confused with similar cheeses. I camembert it.
5,205	What do you call a pile of blessed black waist sashes? A Benedictine Cumberbatch.
5,206	there once was a wonderful poet who knew that one day he woud blow it cuz his poems woud rhyme most of the time but occasionaly they didnt
5,207	Teacher: Why is the Mississippi such an unusual river? Pupil: Because it has four eyes and can't see!
5,208	Not paying more than $2,000 a kilo. And can we stop communicating through Twitter? I feel like these DM's are going to go public someday.
5,209	The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.
5,210	Oh you're in the shower? Here's the seven worst songs from your playlist. - shuffle mode
5,211	Have you ever worked on a farm.. Because you sure know how to raise my cock!
5,212	Looking for Sympathy? You'll find it between Shit and Syphilis in the dictionary.
5,213	Yo momma so fat She got an event horizon.
5,214	Why do people take acid at raves? Because there's so much base.
5,215	French toast I saw on the menu at a small restaurant 10% more French in your toast and I asked the waitress what that meant and she said. "We swear at it"
5,216	What did Tom Riddle's calculator tell Harry Potter? 8008132
5,217	How did Jared lose 30 pounds? He dumped his girlfriend.
5,218	I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven't even read it yet, but somehow folks think it's cool to give key plot points away
5,219	What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG!!!!
5,220	Where do you see yourself in five years? I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.
5,221	Q: What do clouds wear under their clothes? A: Thunderware.
5,222	What's the best way to grease a Ferrari? Run over an Italian.
5,223	Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. I came to work naked. I want to be a porn star. Now I'm just unemployed.
5,224	A man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, my farts sound like a motorbike" Doctor says "you have an abscess" Man says "how do you know?" Doctor says "because abscess makes the fart go Honda"
5,225	If Bill O'Reilly and Barbara Walters got married what would they name the baby? Baba O'Reilly
5,226	The band's name is 1023 MB. They haven't had any gigs yet.
5,227	I raise the bar when it comes to lowering standards.
5,228	What's the difference between a Mexican and a book? The book has papers
5,229	How do you know when a Jewish chef is done cooking? You check the oven.
5,230	What do you call a fruit that is a vegetable? A crippled homo.
5,231	A man goes to the doctor... After looking at the man for 2 minutes the doctor says: "Mr. Willow, you need to stop masturbating!" "Why, doctor?" "Because I can't exmine you otherwise!"
5,232	Can I get pregnant from looking at a man in another car, at a red light but then quickly looking away when he looks over?
5,233	A bunch of Jewish folks walk into a bar... Mitzva and celebrate Oscar's thirteenth bithday.
5,234	Study: 'Masturbation helps cure the common cold' Hope so, I've got no tissues left.
5,235	A priest, a rabbi, and a scientist walk into a bar... and have a wonderful conversation about politics.
5,236	It's awful that those other chipmunks force Alvin to wear an A on his sweater just because he's an adulterer.
5,237	Hoe do you call a dog that likes to be on the internet. A Labragoogle.
5,238	Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dining room, patio...
5,239	a spider slowly rolls past my house on a tiny skateboard "kids, go to the bomb shelter. it seems my past has finally caught up with me"
5,240	Why can't a T-Rex clap it's hands? Because it's dead
5,241	Have you got a copy of "Living with a small penis ?" Librarian "I don't think its in yet" "Yep thats the one" I replied
5,242	Had a job interview yesterday and was asked how much I was worth so I got up to leave. They ask me if there is a problem? Yes there is, I can't afford to live off that.
5,243	What do you call a dinosaur from the Middle East? An Iran-asaurus!
5,244	What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong? Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon, and Michael Jackson rapes kids and gets away with it.
5,245	How do skeletons reproduce? They don't.
5,246	How does any girl have less than 90 thousand Instagram followers?
5,247	Why did Helen Keller masturbate with only one hand? So she could moan with the other.
5,248	It's pretty impressive that Beethoven could play the piano considering he was a St. Bernard.
5,249	I feel really bad about being at this girl's house last night. I came in seconds. Besides that, what kind of shitty name is that for a cat?
5,250	In America, you're the bomb is a complement. In Iraq, you're the bomb is the argument.
5,251	What's the difference between real life Friends and the cast of the show Friends? The ability to binge watch Friends with your friends.
5,252	1) Bake cake. 2) Don't cut it into pieces. 3) Eat the whole thing. 4) Claim I ate "only one piece of cake."
5,253	Why couldn't Bach pay for his dinner? Because he was Baroque.
5,254	How do Mexicans greet Dr. Seuss? Jesus!
5,255	Why did Sally drop her ice cream? Because a semi truck hit her.
5,256	Q: What's the good part about having alzheimer's? You can hide your own easter eggs.
5,257	You're not fat. You're just... easier to see!
5,258	What do you call a sleeping prisoner? Under a-rest.
5,259	I sexually identify as Counter Strike... And I'm globally offended
5,260	How do you see if the Ken doll is ticklish? Give him test tickles.
5,261	What did the Texas sheriff say about the black guy who was shot 15 times? "Worse case of suicide I ever saw."
5,262	My friend really changed when she became a vegetarian, it's like I've never seen herbivore!
5,263	"Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan's sex/ Manafort, Putin's pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn't start the fire..."
5,264	I like my women like I like my beer Stout and bitter
5,265	Yeah, I'm basically a Pokemaster. waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers
5,266	What's the number one comeback on r/Jokes? Riposte.
5,267	One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
5,268	What's the difference between a dirty parking lot and a crab with breast implants? Ones a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
5,269	What does a Spanish cow say? Muuuuuuuey!
5,270	Wanna hear a racist joke ? Donald Trump
5,271	Where do pedophiles get the wedding rings? They go to Jared.
5,272	My wife turns over and accidentally kicks me in the nuts. I gasp. She gasps. Then she raises her arms and yells, "I WIN! I WIN!"
5,273	I visited a real graveyard this Halloween I logged back into Google Plus.
5,274	I sexually identify as a pansexual And I have a fetish for cast-iron
5,275	What do you call the underground slave trade? The black market.
5,276	I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
5,277	"Why are you wearing?" - existentialist reporter on the red carpet
5,278	What do you call a hacker who stays home when it snows outside? Edward Snowed-in!
5,279	Gawker must have been playing The Oregon Trail 'cause they just died of dissin' Terry.
5,280	A married couple walks into a bar.
5,281	*Goes into debt Debt: Wrong hole.
5,282	You're the reason why I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to go to work.
5,283	What did the Physics professor say to the fat kid in school? "You've got a lot of potential!"
5,284	Every year there is a race from one side of Sweden to the other... They start at the Norwegian line and end up at the Finnish line.
5,285	I bought my epileptic boyfriend a strobe light for his birthday. He's gonna have a fit when he sees it.
5,286	Pretty sure the "FINISH HIM" guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
5,287	What did one plate say to the other? Lunch is on me.
5,288	Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons.
5,289	I hate when I'm singing along to the Beastie Boys and they mess up the lyrics.
5,290	How do you know when you're eating rabbit stew? When it has hares in it.
5,291	Chicken Joke Why did the chicken cross the road? -To get to your house. Knock knock -Who's there? The chicken.
5,292	You know what's great about being single ? Fucking everything
5,293	I always heard it was OK to date a nun... as long as you don't get into the habit.
5,294	If I had a time machine, I'd go back & mess with myself. I'd delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
5,295	On April Fools Day a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack.
5,296	Why does it take so long for a pro-lifer to screw in a lightbulb? They love to watch mistakes being made.
5,297	My roommate just told me he tried to walk to Russia from Alaska. He pulled up short because he couldn't get his Bering Strait.
5,298	I think the government caused all the snow in the South Cause I'm Snowden
5,299	Why do Jews get circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not at least 10% off.
5,300	Do the right thing. Not right away, but like after you get called out.

5,201

Wanted: Personal psychic for wealthy client. Salary: $10,000 per week plus bonuses. Free accommodation. 10 weeks paid leave per year. Company car. Generous pension scheme. You know where to apply.

5,202

My wife is upset we can't afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving

5,203

Happy Hints To brighten your day, instead of going to the gym, go to Walmart You will feel a lot better about yourself

5,204

I really hate when people get brie confused with similar cheeses. I camembert it.

5,205

What do you call a pile of blessed black waist sashes? A Benedictine Cumberbatch.

5,206

there once was a wonderful poet who knew that one day he woud blow it cuz his poems woud rhyme most of the time but occasionaly they didnt

5,207

Teacher: Why is the Mississippi such an unusual river? Pupil: Because it has four eyes and can't see!

5,208

Not paying more than $2,000 a kilo. And can we stop communicating through Twitter? I feel like these DM's are going to go public someday.

5,209

The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.

5,210

Oh you're in the shower? Here's the seven worst songs from your playlist. - shuffle mode

5,211

Have you ever worked on a farm.. Because you sure know how to raise my cock!

5,212

Looking for Sympathy? You'll find it between Shit and Syphilis in the dictionary.

5,213

Yo momma so fat She got an event horizon.

5,214

Why do people take acid at raves? Because there's so much base.

5,215

French toast I saw on the menu at a small restaurant 10% more French in your toast and I asked the waitress what that meant and she said. "We swear at it"

5,216

What did Tom Riddle's calculator tell Harry Potter? 8008132

5,217

How did Jared lose 30 pounds? He dumped his girlfriend.

5,218

I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven't even read it yet, but somehow folks think it's cool to give key plot points away

5,219

What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG!!!!

5,220

Where do you see yourself in five years? I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.

5,221

Q: What do clouds wear under their clothes? A: Thunderware.

5,222

What's the best way to grease a Ferrari? Run over an Italian.

5,223

Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. I came to work naked. I want to be a porn star. Now I'm just unemployed.

5,224

A man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, my farts sound like a motorbike" Doctor says "you have an abscess" Man says "how do you know?" Doctor says "because abscess makes the fart go Honda"

5,225

If Bill O'Reilly and Barbara Walters got married what would they name the baby? Baba O'Reilly

5,226

The band's name is 1023 MB. They haven't had any gigs yet.

5,227

I raise the bar when it comes to lowering standards.

5,228

What's the difference between a Mexican and a book? The book has papers

5,229

How do you know when a Jewish chef is done cooking? You check the oven.

5,230

What do you call a fruit that is a vegetable? A crippled homo.

5,231

A man goes to the doctor... After looking at the man for 2 minutes the doctor says: "Mr. Willow, you need to stop masturbating!" "Why, doctor?" "Because I can't exmine you otherwise!"

5,232

Can I get pregnant from looking at a man in another car, at a red light but then quickly looking away when he looks over?

5,233

A bunch of Jewish folks walk into a bar... Mitzva and celebrate Oscar's thirteenth bithday.

5,234

Study: 'Masturbation helps cure the common cold' Hope so, I've got no tissues left.

5,235

A priest, a rabbi, and a scientist walk into a bar... and have a wonderful conversation about politics.

5,236

It's awful that those other chipmunks force Alvin to wear an A on his sweater just because he's an adulterer.

5,237

Hoe do you call a dog that likes to be on the internet. A Labragoogle.

5,238

Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dining room, patio...

5,239

*a spider slowly rolls past my house on a tiny skateboard* "kids, go to the bomb shelter. it seems my past has finally caught up with me"

5,240

Why can't a T-Rex clap it's hands? Because it's dead

5,241

Have you got a copy of "Living with a small penis ?" Librarian "I don't think its in yet" "Yep thats the one" I replied

5,242

Had a job interview yesterday and was asked how much I was worth so I got up to leave. They ask me if there is a problem? Yes there is, I can't afford to live off that.

5,243

What do you call a dinosaur from the Middle East? An Iran-asaurus!

5,244

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong? Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon, and Michael Jackson rapes kids and gets away with it.

5,245

How do skeletons reproduce? They don't.

5,246

How does any girl have less than 90 thousand Instagram followers?

5,247

Why did Helen Keller masturbate with only one hand? So she could moan with the other.

5,248

It's pretty impressive that Beethoven could play the piano considering he was a St. Bernard.

5,249

I feel really bad about being at this girl's house last night. I came in seconds. Besides that, what kind of shitty name is that for a cat?

5,250

In America, you're the bomb is a complement. In Iraq, you're the bomb is the argument.

5,251

What's the difference between real life Friends and the cast of the show Friends? The ability to binge watch Friends with your friends.

5,252

1) Bake cake. 2) Don't cut it into pieces. 3) Eat the whole thing. 4) Claim I ate "only one piece of cake."

5,253

Why couldn't Bach pay for his dinner? Because he was Baroque.

5,254

How do Mexicans greet Dr. Seuss? Jesus!

5,255

Why did Sally drop her ice cream? Because a semi truck hit her.

5,256

Q: What's the good part about having alzheimer's? You can hide your own easter eggs.

5,257

You're not fat. You're just... easier to see!

5,258

What do you call a sleeping prisoner? Under a-rest.

5,259

I sexually identify as Counter Strike... *And I'm globally offended*

5,260

How do you see if the Ken doll is ticklish? Give him test tickles.

5,261

What did the Texas sheriff say about the black guy who was shot 15 times? "Worse case of suicide I ever saw."

5,262

My friend really changed when she became a vegetarian, it's like I've never seen herbivore!

5,263

"Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan's sex/ Manafort, Putin's pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn't start the fire..."

5,264

I like my women like I like my beer Stout and bitter

5,265

Yeah, I'm basically a Pokemaster. *waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*

5,266

What's the number one comeback on r/Jokes? Riposte.

5,267

One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for

5,268

What's the difference between a dirty parking lot and a crab with breast implants? Ones a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.

5,269

What does a Spanish cow say? Muuuuuuuey!

5,270

Wanna hear a racist joke ? Donald Trump

5,271

Where do pedophiles get the wedding rings? They go to Jared.

5,272

My wife turns over and accidentally kicks me in the nuts. I gasp. She gasps. Then she raises her arms and yells, "I WIN! I WIN!"

5,273

I visited a real graveyard this Halloween I logged back into Google Plus.

5,274

I sexually identify as a pansexual And I have a fetish for cast-iron

5,275

What do you call the underground slave trade? The black market.

5,276

I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

5,277

"Why are you wearing?" - existentialist reporter on the red carpet

5,278

What do you call a hacker who stays home when it snows outside? Edward Snowed-in!

5,279

Gawker must have been playing The Oregon Trail 'cause they just died of dissin' Terry.

5,280

A married couple walks into a bar.

5,281

*Goes into debt Debt: Wrong hole.

5,282

You're the reason why I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to go to work.

5,283

What did the Physics professor say to the fat kid in school? "You've got a lot of potential!"

5,284

Every year there is a race from one side of Sweden to the other... They start at the Norwegian line and end up at the Finnish line.

5,285

I bought my epileptic boyfriend a strobe light for his birthday. He's gonna have a fit when he sees it.

5,286

Pretty sure the "FINISH HIM" guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.

5,287

What did one plate say to the other? Lunch is on me.

5,288

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons.

5,289

I hate when I'm singing along to the Beastie Boys and they mess up the lyrics.

5,290

How do you know when you're eating rabbit stew? When it has hares in it.

5,291

Chicken Joke Why did the chicken cross the road? -To get to your house. Knock knock -Who's there? The chicken.

5,292

You know what's great about being single ? Fucking everything

5,293

I always heard it was OK to date a nun... as long as you don't get into the habit.

5,294

If I had a time machine, I'd go back & mess with myself. I'd delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

5,295

On April Fools Day a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her stack.

5,296

Why does it take so long for a pro-lifer to screw in a lightbulb? They love to watch mistakes being made.

5,297

My roommate just told me he tried to walk to Russia from Alaska. He pulled up short because he couldn't get his Bering Strait.

5,298

I think the government caused all the snow in the South Cause I'm Snowden

5,299

Why do Jews get circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not at least 10% off.

5,300

Do the right thing. Not right away, but like after you get called out.