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5,101 | When I got depressed, I joined the Army. I didn't have any experience or motivation, I just wanted a soldier to cry on. |
5,102 | What music is good to listen to while having a snack? 8 a bit music. |
5,103 | Most Offensive Jokes You've Ever Heard Dark/black humor, abortion jokes, dead baby jokes, show me your worst reddit. I'll start. What's better than winning gold in the Paralympics? - Walking |
5,104 | Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are on a sinking boat. Who survives? America |
5,105 | What do you call a gay dinosaur? A mega-sore-ass. |
5,106 | Why did the fly eat all of the butter? He wanted to become a butterfly! |
5,107 | Bethesda Softworks announce that Fallout 4 will be postponed until April 2016 Don't worry you are on the jokes section |
5,108 | Heard this gem in the video game L.A. Noire. Three blondes walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have saw it. |
5,109 | What's the most trifling thing about divorce when you have kids? Child custardy |
5,110 | What's the hardest part of milking a mouse ? Getting it to fit over a bucket ! |
5,111 | lol these ppl "don't see race" right up until you start making beloved fictional characters black, then they're 18th century anthropologists |
5,112 | I hate niggers |
5,113 | Schrodinger's Cat is depressed Cat: No one came to my birthday party/funeral |
5,114 | Wife: Maybe its time for "the talk" Me: Ok. Son, cops can't bust you for the drugs you've done, just the drugs you have. Her: Not that talk! |
5,115 | How do you call a prison inmate? With a cell phone. |
5,116 | I can't stop drinking about you. |
5,117 | *Throws up some gang signs* *stabs self in eye with salad fork* Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down. |
5,118 | Did you hear the joke about the bees? Its a bit long to tell you now but I asure you it was very honey! |
5,119 | What do you call an alligator in a vest? Investigator! |
5,120 | Why did the chicken cross the road? Because there was too much pride on his side. |
5,121 | What's the difference between 9/11 and a cow? You can't milk a cow for 15 years |
5,122 | Did you hear how the crazy camping show was last weekend? It was in tents. |
5,123 | What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? The porcupine has pricks on the outside. |
5,124 | What's a pedophile's favorite type of shoe? White vans. |
5,125 | What's shorter than Mt. Everest? Mt. Everer |
5,126 | How do you know you're in a modern art museum? If you need to ask if the bench is an art piece. |
5,127 | I added Paul Walker on xbox the other day... Too bad he spends all his time on the dashboard. *Courtesy of my cousin* |
5,128 | @BurgerKing I love the way all employees working the drive thru speak English as a 14th language. I just got a frog and an avocado. |
5,129 | American girls A kid asked his Dad if he could have $10 for a guinea pig. His Dad says, "All I have is $5, why don't you find yourself a nice American girl." |
5,130 | Did you know Paul walker was on the radio when he died? He was also on the dashboard, the windscreen and the steering wheel. |
5,131 | I recently had to stop making clothes for nuns... It was habit-forming. |
5,132 | Got all the way to the car and realized I left my keys back at the office The two things I hate most in life: 1. ISIS and 2. Accidental exercise |
5,133 | What did the fat guy give to the fat girl? Just the tip... |
5,134 | The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama. |
5,135 | At least I have all day sober to Sunday up..... |
5,136 | My parents once sent me abroad for the summer I didn't learn a thing from her. |
5,137 | Weed strin humor At the dispensary there is a strain called Aldous Huxley. If you smoke it with your wife she becomes sterile. #LegalWeedJokes |
5,138 | What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you can't pee soup. |
5,139 | 40% of Americans over 60 believe... ... that they were at Woodstock. |
5,140 | Just watched a pirated movie On a scale of 1-10, I'd give it a 3.14 |
5,141 | How do you stop a woman giving you a blow job? Marry her. |
5,142 | Why do we hate making up gay jokes? Because it's always a pain in the ass |
5,143 | Why are Americans so bad at League of Legends? because they can't protect their towers |
5,144 | I love milk... It's got lots of cowcium. |
5,145 | What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car? In a police car, the pricks are on the inside. |
5,146 | I just used Oxi Clean for the first time, and it's amazing. I'm starting to think Michael Jackson put it in his bath water. |
5,147 | Why do mice have a hole in their bottoms? Because otherwise they would be unable to track movement and move the cursor in the computer screen. |
5,148 | I always get told off when introducing my wife... Apparently, the label 'ex-girlfriend' is highly inappropriate. |
5,149 | Some of you are like family to me. I don't want you calling me either. |
5,150 | Been married six months and I can't even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google. |
5,151 | Hi, I'm black and I can't stand the stereotype that we are all criminals. -Sent from your iPhone |
5,152 | A vampire stopped coming to my nightly poker games. All I said was that he made too many mistakes... |
5,153 | History has forgotten the name of the man that invented the "Lazy Susan", but it conveniently still remembers the name of his ex-wife. |
5,154 | Wanna hear a joke? Serving sizes |
5,155 | How long are you supposed to wait to return a boy's call? This IRS guy sounded pretty into me |
5,156 | What do vegan zombies eat? ~Graaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnsssssss |
5,157 | This third bottle of wine has turned everything into a microphone. |
5,158 | I've just noticed my wife is wearing her sexy underwear. This can only mean one thing She's behind with the washing. |
5,159 | my wife wouldn't let me wear my pajama jeans to her awards luncheon thing because you can "see my balls through them" smh |
5,160 | Gas goes in the butt and out the mouth - Cigarettes |
5,161 | If you know someone who has too many kids, buy them a game of Jenga So they'll learn to pull out |
5,162 | Who has the most dangerous job in Transylvania? Dracula's dentist. |
5,163 | I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don't know if he was scared of what I'd do or thankful. Either way, amen. |
5,164 | If a bunch of nuns wanted to help small business, they could create their own small business writing business plans... And call it 'Nun of Your Business' |
5,165 | [Dirty] Why do men like golf so much? It makes it possible for them to go from hole to hole with an iron in their hands. |
5,166 | I've no idea why I'm a virgin. But I'm guessing it's because my Siamese twin is really ugly. |
5,167 | Yo mama's so mean... She's got no standard deviation! |
5,168 | What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire? A hemogoblin. I came up with this during lecture after a dyslexic moment, thought someone may like it. |
5,169 | [zoo] "This is the bear kids" Wow I want his arms "What? You cant ha.." *kid shows tour guide 2nd amendment* "Bring him the arms smh" |
5,170 | "What do we want?!" "TIME TRAVEL!" "When do we want it?!" "IRRELEVANT!" |
5,171 | What do you call a monkey in a minefield? A BABOOM! |
5,172 | Maybe, just once, someone will call me ma'am without adding, "You're making a scene" |
5,173 | [first date] Me: You into role playing? Her: Kinky, what do you have in mind? Me: You fake a heart attack and we get our meal for free. |
5,174 | Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs? He doesn't want anyone to know he's fucking a chicken. |
5,175 | Me *about to get hit by a bus* OH SHIT I'M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER |
5,176 | Hey in my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people can I practice on you? |
5,177 | [Corny] Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack |
5,178 | Don't fall in love. You will get feelings and die. |
5,179 | In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of Earth. |
5,180 | Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched. |
5,181 | How to even in three and half easy steps. I literally can't even. |
5,182 | What's the worst part about /r/meirl moderators? [Deleted] |
5,183 | Doctor Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains Well pull yourself together then |
5,184 | "You have to be pretty bad at math to use a calculator to check 3rd grade homework." -My smartass kid to me just now. |
5,185 | Knock Knock Who's there ! Agnes ! Agnes who ? Agnes & Topeka & the Santa Fe ! |
5,186 | What does it mean to be an Agnostic with insomnia and dyslexia? You stay up all night wondering if there is a dog. |
5,187 | No matter where you live, there's always 1 light switch that doesn't do anything. |
5,188 | If an interviewer asks you: "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" say "I don't know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?" |
5,189 | Hear about psych on netflix? Thats messed up |
5,190 | What's miley cyrus's favourite color? twerkquoise |
5,191 | I'm gonna try and shoot the whole school Said the yearbook photographer |
5,192 | Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over ? Me: You wanted to watch me lick my ice cream cone ? Cop: Just go please |
5,193 | You prefer white wine over red? For god's sake, try and see the world with some claret-y |
5,194 | "I'd like a nice stiff entendre please." - Want me to make it a double? "I'll just take it as it comes." |
5,195 | I recently became friends with someone from Central Europe We met at a Chess tournament and I've never once beaten him in a game. He's my Czech mate |
5,196 | I was arrested for having sex with a 15 year old girl... I dunno, I thought she was older than that. I guess that makes two reasons why I'm a bad father. |
5,197 | who needs people when you got pizza |
5,198 | "I'm not a fan." -air conditioner |
5,199 | What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? Porcupines have pricks on the OUTSIDE. |
5,200 | I bet the guy who invented falling asleep was totally like "Oh no! I died! Hey, wait a minute..." |
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