ysharma/short_jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

ID int64 1 232k	Joke stringlengths 10 200
4,901	What do you do when you want to hold a bunny? You grabbit.
4,902	Where is the most extravagant brothel in Switzerland, with the most expensive hookers? The FIFA headquarters.
4,903	Walking down the street today someone handed me a free air guitar... No strings attached...
4,904	Uncle Bill always gave 100% Son: How did he die Dad? Dad: He donated blood.
4,905	What is the difference between a pizza and a Jew? A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven
4,906	Why are Jews so bad at maths? Cause they can never find the final solution
4,907	It must be tough to live in Europe. There's neither land nor way..
4,908	Have you heard of the grammar nazi? He is really anti-semantic...
4,909	What would call a person who isn't worthy of being looked at? Unseaworthy
4,910	Where do nazis go on vacation? The holocoast.
4,911	Funny Book Title Thread! I'll start: "How To Get The Most Out Of Your Bank Heists" by Fillmore Sacks
4,912	Why did the irishman wear two condoms? to be sure, to be sure.
4,913	Marvel is making a "Winter Soldier" standalone film and I get to play his roly poly sidekick. They call me...the "Summer Sausage"
4,914	What is Kanye West's favorite breakfast food? Omelette you finish.
4,915	There's 4 and a half inches of light snow outside ...or as most the men on Tinder would have me believe, 8 inches and really thick.
4,916	Current beard: Outdoor woodsman Current body: Indoor couchman
4,917	"The holocaust didn't happen, Buzz Aldrin did 9/11 & I wear my mom's panties." - guy who doesn't know how to play 2 Truths & a Lie
4,918	A photon checks into a hotel... A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. "No thanks, I'm traveling light."
4,919	How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? DO IT YOURSELF YOU FILTHY MAN!
4,920	Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy's before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
4,921	What Pixar movie will Rick Astley never let you borrow? He's never gonna give you Up! Credit to my friend who doesn't even Reddit.
4,922	Am I financially wealthy? No. But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
4,923	Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.. Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex right there and then. God, I love my new Taser...
4,924	My friends bakery had burned down yesterday Now his business is toast.
4,925	I let a blind man borrow some money the other day He said he'll pay me back the next time he saw me
4,926	Ugh. "What's wrong honey?" My bad knee is acting up again. knee robs a gas station
4,927	How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking. ............. JK rolling!
4,928	Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh. - My little brother told me this one; hit me with a little bit of nostalgia.
4,929	You know it's a crazy party when the toilets smell less of puke than the dancefloor.
4,930	Why do elephants have four feet? Because six inches would look silly.
4,931	What's the difference between dark matter and Black Lives Matter? Dark matter has the capacity to leave an impact on a system
4,932	Kid Rock must be an Adult Rock by now.
4,933	How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? The bitch can suck my dick in the dark for all I care....
4,934	Hardcore I've just changed my first nappy. My wife doesn't like me wearing them but since I bought Call of Duty it means I get more game time.
4,935	I like my slaves how I like my coffee Free
4,936	I broke my arm in a couple places; know what the doctor said? "Stay out of those places!"
4,937	Lit a few candles after my power went out last night. My cat has been scared shitless ever since. Ever since I put the pussy on the chain wax
4,938	CAT: mew ME: indeed, u are correct kitty CAT: mew ME: well said, kitty, well said FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok...? Emotionally?
4,939	Why did the chicken cross the road? To kill its self This is no joke #CHICKENLIVESMATTER
4,940	What kind of modeling clay does a dog use? Fi-Do!
4,941	You can lead a human to knowledge.... but you can't make them think.
4,942	Pretty unfair that sharks get a whole week and vampires only get a weekend.
4,943	To help me get to sleep I'm counting miners.
4,944	How does a physicist milk a cow? First, he assumes the cow is a sphere.
4,945	I need to know how to swim in pussy... ...cause im drowning in it
4,946	I've had enough of this shit. I thought to myself as i sat on the toilet for 3 hours.
4,947	Did you see the story about the missing dolphin? I'd tell you more about it but there's really no porpoise...
4,948	I try to fill the void in my life with food... But it always goes to shit.
4,949	The reason you can't go back after going black is because none of them have a car to take you back or a job to buy gas.
4,950	[CIA] -We need you to kill the leader of Russia. "I'll be Putin a bullet in his head. Carl Marx my words!" -Alright! Who invited PunMan?!
4,951	I'd probably be, like, 5% cooler if I wasn't terrified of being on a moving skateboard.
4,952	I'm so hungry I could eat this piece of paper. adds salt to resume
4,953	s/o to the fact that ketchup is a smoothie b/c tomatoes are fruits lol DIDNT SEE THAT ONE COMING DID U FRIES OMNOMNOM
4,954	What did the pirate tell his littler sister when she asked if she could hold his parrot? ISIS
4,955	Relationships are easy as pie! burns pie
4,956	Circumcisions are painful. When I got mine right after I was born, I couldn't walk for nearly a year
4,957	The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can't be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
4,958	Bad Joke You: Can you believe they're still together after all that crap Friend: Who? You: My butt cheeks!
4,959	I've just received my 14th Christmas card from the Alzheimer's Society.
4,960	Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the shell station on the other side! bum bum chi
4,961	I walked a girl down into the dark woods. She said it's very scary. I said how do you think i feel i have to walk back alone..
4,962	A gorilla was shot I was playing pokemon go and the next thing i knew , a gorilla was dragging me around wtf mom
4,963	[first date] ME: one of my biggest pet peeves is people who think the world revolves around them MY DATE, WHO IS THE SUN: i see
4,964	Lady:(standing in the middle of a busy street) Officer can you tell me how to get to the Hospital? Officer: Just stand where you are!!!
4,965	One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit 'add your location' to a tweet.
4,966	Did you hear 50 Cent was selling concert tickets for just $0.45 cents?! It was featuring nickleback...
4,967	I just met a girl with 12 nipples... Sounds pretty freaky, dozen tit.
4,968	Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
4,969	So many people on Facebook "Like" everything but grammar.
4,970	If We Elect Donald Trump President.
4,971	What's everyone doing for Seis de Mayo?
4,972	To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run
4,973	How I feel when watching youtube... I dont mind the buffer ... I dont mind the adds... But when the ads buffer... I suffer
4,974	Anyone know how long we are supposed to "Shake It Off"? Taylor never specified and frankly I'm exhausted!
4,975	How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
4,976	Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed razor blade? She gave herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, and circumcised three of the doctors on her shift.
4,977	I want my tombstone to read "Free WiFi" so people would visit more often
4,978	"Describe yourself in 4 words." Bad at counting.
4,979	What does Mexican binary code consist of? Zeros and Juans.
4,980	I broke up with my penis, so I wrote a song... Called "So Long".
4,981	Women who say, "Awwww..." after everything they hear are quite possibly the most annoying assholes on the planet.
4,982	I once lived opposite a slaughterhouse. The view from my bedroom was offal.
4,983	Why were the yearbook students expelled? They shot the whole school.
4,984	Women are like sand. The deeper you go, the wetter they get.
4,985	God hates fags He prefers a nice, fat, dank blunt.
4,986	Did you hear about the pigs who took up motorcycling? They wanted to catch bugs with their teeth.
4,987	Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
4,988	Nascar Rain I think if NASCAR would quit being sponsored by the movie Noah we wouldn't have so much rain on race day :)
4,989	How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
4,990	"Choas Theory"-themed restaurant: Eating Disorder
4,991	replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don't touch the ground
4,992	My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
4,993	What did the ruler gain a reputation for while campaigning? Straight talk.
4,994	I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses. -Every girl, ever.
4,995	Why are people leaving the Ukraine? I don't know but they sure are Russian.
4,996	What did the carpenter say to the girl he loved? Oh sweetheart, you are the eye of my maple....
4,997	What did the Dalai Lama say to the guy in the kebab shop? "Make me one with everything."
4,998	Sucks that these Crest strips only come in white
4,999	I don't like Jewish jokes. Anne Frankly I won't stand them.
5,000	I like my cigarettes like my Instagram. \#nofilter Edit: learned formatting

4,901

What do you do when you want to hold a bunny? You grabbit.

4,902

Where is the most extravagant brothel in Switzerland, with the most expensive hookers? The FIFA headquarters.

4,903

Walking down the street today someone handed me a free air guitar... No strings attached...

4,904

Uncle Bill always gave 100% Son: How did he die Dad? Dad: He donated blood.

4,905

What is the difference between a pizza and a Jew? A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven

4,906

Why are Jews so bad at maths? Cause they can never find the final solution

4,907

It must be tough to live in Europe. There's neither land nor way..

4,908

Have you heard of the grammar nazi? He is really anti-semantic...

4,909

What would call a person who isn't worthy of being looked at? Unseaworthy

4,910

Where do nazis go on vacation? The holocoast.

4,911

Funny Book Title Thread! I'll start: "How To Get The Most Out Of Your Bank Heists" by Fillmore Sacks

4,912

Why did the irishman wear two condoms? to be sure, to be sure.

4,913

Marvel is making a "Winter Soldier" standalone film and I get to play his roly poly sidekick. They call me...the "Summer Sausage"

4,914

What is Kanye West's favorite breakfast food? Omelette you finish.

4,915

There's 4 and a half inches of light snow outside ...or as most the men on Tinder would have me believe, 8 inches and really thick.

4,916

Current beard: Outdoor woodsman Current body: Indoor couchman

4,917

"The holocaust didn't happen, Buzz Aldrin did 9/11 & I wear my mom's panties." - guy who doesn't know how to play 2 Truths & a Lie

4,918

A photon checks into a hotel... A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. "No thanks, I'm traveling light."

4,919

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? DO IT YOURSELF YOU FILTHY MAN!

4,920

Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy's before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks

4,921

What Pixar movie will Rick Astley never let you borrow? He's never gonna give you Up! Credit to my friend who doesn't even Reddit.

4,922

Am I financially wealthy? No. But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.

4,923

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.. Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex right there and then. God, I love my new Taser...

4,924

My friends bakery had burned down yesterday Now his business is toast.

4,925

I let a blind man borrow some money the other day He said he'll pay me back the next time he saw me

4,926

Ugh. "What's wrong honey?" My bad knee is acting up again. *knee robs a gas station*

4,927

How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking. ............. JK rolling!

4,928

Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh. - *My little brother told me this one; hit me with a little bit of nostalgia.*

4,929

You know it's a crazy party when the toilets smell less of puke than the dancefloor.

4,930

Why do elephants have four feet? Because six inches would look silly.

4,931

What's the difference between dark matter and Black Lives Matter? Dark matter has the capacity to leave an impact on a system

4,932

Kid Rock must be an Adult Rock by now.

4,933

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? The bitch can suck my dick in the dark for all I care....

4,934

Hardcore I've just changed my first nappy. My wife doesn't like me wearing them but since I bought Call of Duty it means I get more game time.

4,935

I like my slaves how I like my coffee Free

4,936

I broke my arm in a couple places; know what the doctor said? "Stay out of those places!"

4,937

Lit a few candles after my power went out last night. My cat has been scared shitless ever since. Ever since I put the pussy on the chain wax

4,938

CAT: mew ME: indeed, u are correct kitty CAT: mew ME: well said, kitty, well said FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok...? Emotionally?

4,939

Why did the chicken cross the road? **To kill its self** This is no joke **#CHICKENLIVESMATTER**

4,940

What kind of modeling clay does a dog use? Fi-Do!

4,941

You can lead a human to knowledge.... but you can't make them think.

4,942

Pretty unfair that sharks get a whole week and vampires only get a weekend.

4,943

To help me get to sleep I'm counting miners.

4,944

How does a physicist milk a cow? First, he assumes the cow is a sphere.

4,945

I need to know how to swim in pussy... ...cause im drowning in it

4,946

I've had enough of this shit. I thought to myself as i sat on the toilet for 3 hours.

4,947

Did you see the story about the missing dolphin? I'd tell you more about it but there's really no porpoise...

4,948

I try to fill the void in my life with food... But it always goes to shit.

4,949

The reason you can't go back after going black is because none of them have a car to take you back or a job to buy gas.

4,950

[CIA] -We need you to kill the leader of Russia. "I'll be Putin a bullet in his head. Carl Marx my words!" -Alright! Who invited PunMan?!

4,951

I'd probably be, like, 5% cooler if I wasn't terrified of being on a moving skateboard.

4,952

I'm so hungry I could eat this piece of paper. *adds salt to resume*

4,953

s/o to the fact that ketchup is a smoothie b/c tomatoes are fruits lol DIDNT SEE THAT ONE COMING DID U FRIES OMNOMNOM

4,954

What did the pirate tell his littler sister when she asked if she could hold his parrot? ISIS

4,955

Relationships are easy as pie! *burns pie*

4,956

Circumcisions are painful. When I got mine right after I was born, I couldn't walk for nearly a year

4,957

The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can't be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.

4,958

Bad Joke You: Can you believe they're still together after all that crap Friend: Who? You: My butt cheeks!

4,959

I've just received my 14th Christmas card from the Alzheimer's Society.

4,960

Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the shell station on the other side! *bum bum chi*

4,961

I walked a girl down into the dark woods. She said it's very scary. I said how do you think i feel i have to walk back alone..

4,962

A gorilla was shot I was playing pokemon go and the next thing i knew , a gorilla was dragging me around wtf mom

4,963

[first date] ME: one of my biggest pet peeves is people who think the world revolves around them MY DATE, WHO IS THE SUN: i see

4,964

Lady:(standing in the middle of a busy street) Officer can you tell me how to get to the Hospital? Officer: Just stand where you are!!!

4,965

One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit 'add your location' to a tweet.

4,966

Did you hear 50 Cent was selling concert tickets for just $0.45 cents?! It was featuring nickleback...

4,967

I just met a girl with 12 nipples... Sounds pretty freaky, *dozen tit.*

4,968

Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.

4,969

So many people on Facebook "Like" everything but grammar.

4,970

If We Elect Donald Trump President.

4,971

What's everyone doing for Seis de Mayo?

4,972

To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run

4,973

How I feel when watching youtube... I dont mind the buffer ... I dont mind the adds... But when the ads buffer... I suffer

4,974

Anyone know how long we are supposed to "Shake It Off"? Taylor never specified and frankly I'm exhausted!

4,975

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

4,976

Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed razor blade? She gave herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, and circumcised three of the doctors on her shift.

4,977

I want my tombstone to read "Free WiFi" so people would visit more often

4,978

"Describe yourself in 4 words." Bad at counting.

4,979

What does Mexican binary code consist of? Zeros and Juans.

4,980

I broke up with my penis, so I wrote a song... Called "So Long".

4,981

Women who say, "Awwww..." after everything they hear are quite possibly the most annoying assholes on the planet.

4,982

I once lived opposite a slaughterhouse. The view from my bedroom was offal.

4,983

Why were the yearbook students expelled? They shot the whole school.

4,984

Women are like sand. The deeper you go, the wetter they get.

4,985

God hates fags He prefers a nice, fat, dank blunt.

4,986

Did you hear about the pigs who took up motorcycling? They wanted to catch bugs with their teeth.

4,987

Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles

4,988

Nascar Rain I think if NASCAR would quit being sponsored by the movie Noah we wouldn't have so much rain on race day :)

4,989

How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?

4,990

"Choas Theory"-themed restaurant: Eating Disorder

4,991

replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don't touch the ground

4,992

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

4,993

What did the ruler gain a reputation for while campaigning? Straight talk.

4,994

I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses. -Every girl, ever.

4,995

Why are people leaving the Ukraine? I don't know but they sure are Russian.

4,996

What did the carpenter say to the girl he loved? Oh sweetheart, you are the eye of my maple....

4,997

What did the Dalai Lama say to the guy in the kebab shop? "Make me one with everything."

4,998

Sucks that these Crest strips only come in white

4,999

I don't like Jewish jokes. Anne Frankly I won't stand them.

5,000

I like my cigarettes like my Instagram. \#nofilter Edit: learned formatting