ysharma/short_jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

ID int64 1 232k	Joke stringlengths 10 200
5,001	When I get naked in the bathroom.. The shower usually gets turned on.
5,002	[moving her panties to the side] HEY MAA, I'M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
5,003	Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
5,004	What do Ebola patients eat? Abola chicken noodle soup!
5,005	Bad grammar is my biggest pet peeve Their is nothing else than pisses me off more then seeing people use it.
5,006	What is the name of the Asian pointing out everyones mistakes? Xu wong
5,007	What does "IDK" mean? I keep asking people, but they don't know either.
5,008	What do my wife and my math teacher have in common? They both love to create problems that I am apparently supposed to solve.
5,009	I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. Benefits were good, but the parking was terrible.
5,010	I have recently learned that it is considered poor form to sit on Santa's lap and ask to be made a widow for Christmas... The more you know.
5,011	Two wind turbines are having a paddle 1: What's your thoughts on renewable energy? 2: I'm a big fan.
5,012	My hamster died... He fell asleep at the wheel.
5,013	I'll do a lot of things for money, but I draw the line at working...
5,014	In my interview for the binman job, I asked if you needed any special training... The interviewer said "nah you just sort of pick it up as you go along".
5,015	I went door-to-door today telling my neighbors I'm a registered sex offender so they'll keep their damn kids out of my yard.
5,016	I worked at a Chili's when I was in college, which is so embarrassing. I usually just tell people I was a stripper.
5,017	How can you tell if a Redditor is an extrovert? During any conversation he's looking at YOUR shoes.
5,018	Strip search? Fine but I'm going to need some music.
5,019	What's the difference between a Porsche and a porcupine? The pricks are on the outside of a porcupine.
5,020	I bought a gun from Chekhov... I figure I'll have to use it at some point.
5,021	If you plant a block of ramen noodles in the ground and water it with cold ones every day, it will grow into a college kid. It's science.
5,022	Police officer asks driver if he recognizes himself. Police officer asks man if he recognizes himself. Then the driver pulls out mirror and says ''yes it is me''
5,023	I once shot an unarmed man Well I was the one to shoot of both his arms but still...
5,024	What does a baby diaper and Obama have in common? There both full of shit.
5,025	Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom's boyfriend Craig won't let me call him Dad when we hug?
5,026	Oriental Rugs and Tubs... could be a furniture store or a dyslexic whorehouse.
5,027	What do you do when your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use some lube
5,028	So I just listened to Kanye's album... Dafuq?
5,029	A young Jewish boy asks his father if he can borrow $50... His father replies: "40 dollars!, what could you possibly need to borrow 30 dollars for?!?"
5,030	Im going to nickname my penis 'The Truth'... ...Because you want the truth, but you can't handle the truth, and sometimes the truth hurts.
5,031	but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
5,032	Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow? Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I'm never gonna give you UP.
5,033	You can extend the olive branch.. but you can't beat them over the head with it
5,034	Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
5,035	Why does Mexico rarely wins medals at the olympic games? All the ones who can run/swim/jump already made it to America.
5,036	What happens when you step on an oily asian? Better not say. I feel like I'm already treading on a slippery slope.
5,037	sometime soon theyll all be screaming my name.. at the jamba juice because my order is ready and i am checking my phone
5,038	How did Darth Vader know what Obi-Wan Kenobi was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents...
5,039	What kind of protozoa likes Halloween? An amoeboo!
5,040	What would a Prius minivan be called? Post-us
5,041	Fidel Castro's last words Fidel Castro's final words were: "revive me I have the ray gun"
5,042	Young enough to know I can, old enough to know I shouldn't, stupid enough to do it anyway.
5,043	What's the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich? I don't fuck a sandwich before I eat it
5,044	GOD: I call this Tupperware SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one G: yes S: make the lid a little smaller
5,045	I assume the Burning Bush was the Bible's first recorded STD.
5,046	So you got mustard on your jeans. Shut up about it. We live on a wet marble that flies circles around a giant burning star. Fuck your jeans.
5,047	My girlfriend said to me that she wanted me to tease her, so I said, "All right, fatty."
5,048	Did you hear about the Lord Of The Rings and Taxi Driver fanatic who had a bit of a stutter? He said to his friend, "Jay, R, R you Tolkein to me?"
5,049	Be Alert The world needs more lerts.
5,050	Divorce.... Is the fucking you get for the fucking you got!
5,051	Small penises are like iPhones with cracked screens... They serve their purpose but nobody really wants one.
5,052	A construction worker asked me to make a joke about the contents of his toolbox. Unfortunately, I don't have any drill bits.
5,053	Why did the boy who rode his bike over a barbed wire fence miss his music lesson? Because he'd already done the sharps and flats.
5,054	I hate it when people ask me what I'll be doing in 5 years. I don't have 2020 vision, guys.
5,055	What time does Sean Connery get to the US Open? Ten-ish
5,056	6 things should be common in a Girl and Tea. Should be hot. should be strong. should be sweet. adequate milk. should be ready in 5 minutes. And lastly, won't let you sleep whole night :)
5,057	Is onamonapia.... umderstood by deaf people?
5,058	10 Money Saving Tips (Joke) http://travelmediacafe.com/2014/11/18/10-money-saving-tips/
5,059	LPT: Always make sure to post to the correct subreddit. It is an embarrassing mistake and most people will think you're an idiot.
5,060	Why did Adele cross the road? Because she wanted to say: > Hello from the other side...
5,061	Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.
5,062	When my girlfriend and I decided to make it official, I told her: I have to tell you, before we met, I was... well...promiscuous. Oh cool she exclaimed. I love Greek mythology.
5,063	What do Germans look at on the internet? Danke memes
5,064	Late night phone convo BF: Ok you hang up GF: No, you hang up BF: No, you first GF: Nooo, you first NSA: Shut the fuck up and hang up already!
5,065	All I want for Christmas is a stormtrooper who doesn't miss the target every time he shoots.
5,066	It's called Facebook not Boobbook. So next time try to get your face in the picture too? K thanks.
5,067	What do you call a black astronaut? Invisible
5,068	Why did the bachelors purchase double amputee strippers for their party? Because they were 50% off!
5,069	So Abraham Lincoln walks into a bar... ...and says, "I'll have a shot." Did I just make up a new lame joke, or has this been done before? I think I need to sleep.
5,070	What did one lawyer say to the other? "we are both lawyers."
5,071	Abortions are so fun... ...they really bring out the kid in you
5,072	Why should Trump be careful of deporting Mexicans? It could go south so fast.
5,073	Why did the Seahawks win the 2015 NFC Championship game against the Packers? Because even Aaron Rodgers is a 12!
5,074	Her: What do you do? Me: Global prosthetics distribution. Her: You're an artificial limb salesman? Me: I prefer international arms dealer'.
5,075	I gave a blind man 10$ He told me he'll pay me back the next time he sees me.
5,076	Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He's the Easter Bungee!
5,077	What's in common between Batman and a black guy? They can't go into a store without Robin
5,078	Best Joke Ever... This US presidential election. Yup, I went there...
5,079	Knock, knock. Who's there? Alan Rickman and David Bowie. Alan Rickman and David Bowie who? Alan Rickman and David Bowie have both died recently.
5,080	What kind of government does Disney World have? A plutocracy
5,081	It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
5,082	Today a woman came into my doctor's office with a sexually transmitted mental illness. She was fucking crazy.
5,083	How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish person? None.
5,084	Why does the food take so long at an Internet cafe? Because the servers cannot be found
5,085	What us the difference between white, brown and black people? The time God took to cook us
5,086	My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I didn't love her back. It's nice when problems resolve themselves like that.;-)
5,087	Found my son and his GF naked in his room, Sex-ED is so advanced. Now, they also give homework!
5,088	His son asked him what gay meant. Son: Dad, what does gay mean? Dad: Happy son. It means happy. Son: Then are YOU gay DAD? Dad: No son...... i have a wife...
5,089	rings bell "Can I help you?" Yes I'd like a dragon on my back an- starts pooping on a crucifix WTF? checks sign on door "Taboo Artist"
5,090	I play with my hair a lot because I don't have testicles.
5,091	Why is it a bad idea to give Elsa a balloon? Because she'll "Let it go! Let it go!" This joke was made up by my 5 year old nephew.
5,092	How do you get 50 Canadians out of a swimming pool? "Please get out of the swimming pool."
5,093	Me: This infomercial is so stupid. 10 mins later Me: So all I have to pay on the 2nd one is the shipping and handling?
5,094	Guess what came in the mail today I did, I ran out of tissue.
5,095	In this economy I sometimes have to make tough choices. Like between eating or buy that cover for my iPad.
5,096	The Detroit Lions have been given guns to subvert increasing violence in the area... ...local zookeepers fear the worst.
5,097	What do you call a cellphone company that uses nuclear power? Cher-Mobile
5,098	I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you're looking for a life coach or whatever.
5,099	I'm sorry I committed a home invasion but somebody had to do something about those carpets.
5,100	How many male chauvinist does it take to change a lightbulb? None, the wife can cook fine in the dark

5,001

When I get naked in the bathroom.. The shower usually gets turned on.

5,002

[moving her panties to the side] HEY MAA, I'M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.

5,003

Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.

5,004

What do Ebola patients eat? Abola chicken noodle soup!

5,005

Bad grammar is my biggest pet peeve Their is nothing else than pisses me off more then seeing people use it.

5,006

What is the name of the Asian pointing out everyones mistakes? Xu wong

5,007

What does "IDK" mean? I keep asking people, but they don't know either.

5,008

What do my wife and my math teacher have in common? They both love to create problems that I am apparently supposed to solve.

5,009

I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. Benefits were good, but the parking was terrible.

5,010

I have recently learned that it is considered poor form to sit on Santa's lap and ask to be made a widow for Christmas... The more you know.

5,011

Two wind turbines are having a paddle 1: What's your thoughts on renewable energy? 2: I'm a big fan.

5,012

My hamster died... He fell asleep at the wheel.

5,013

I'll do a lot of things for money, but I draw the line at working...

5,014

In my interview for the binman job, I asked if you needed any special training... The interviewer said "nah you just sort of pick it up as you go along".

5,015

I went door-to-door today telling my neighbors I'm a registered sex offender so they'll keep their damn kids out of my yard.

5,016

I worked at a Chili's when I was in college, which is so embarrassing. I usually just tell people I was a stripper.

5,017

How can you tell if a Redditor is an extrovert? During any conversation he's looking at YOUR shoes.

5,018

Strip search? Fine but I'm going to need some music.

5,019

What's the difference between a Porsche and a porcupine? The pricks are on the outside of a porcupine.

5,020

I bought a gun from Chekhov... I figure I'll have to use it at some point.

5,021

If you plant a block of ramen noodles in the ground and water it with cold ones every day, it will grow into a college kid. It's science.

5,022

Police officer asks driver if he recognizes himself. Police officer asks man if he recognizes himself. Then the driver pulls out mirror and says ''yes it is me''

5,023

I once shot an unarmed man Well I was the one to shoot of both his arms but still...

5,024

What does a baby diaper and Obama have in common? There both full of shit.

5,025

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom's boyfriend Craig won't let me call him Dad when we hug?

5,026

Oriental Rugs and Tubs... could be a furniture store or a dyslexic whorehouse.

5,027

What do you do when your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use some lube

5,028

So I just listened to Kanye's album... Dafuq?

5,029

A young Jewish boy asks his father if he can borrow $50... His father replies: "40 dollars!, what could you possibly need to borrow 30 dollars for?!?"

5,030

Im going to nickname my penis 'The Truth'... ...Because you want the truth, but you can't handle the truth, and sometimes the truth hurts.

5,031

but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim

5,032

Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow? Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I'm never gonna give you UP.

5,033

You can extend the olive branch.. but you can't beat them over the head with it

5,034

Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.

5,035

Why does Mexico rarely wins medals at the olympic games? All the ones who can run/swim/jump already made it to America.

5,036

What happens when you step on an oily asian? Better not say. I feel like I'm already treading on a slippery slope.

5,037

sometime soon theyll all be screaming my name.. at the jamba juice because my order is ready and i am checking my phone

5,038

How did Darth Vader know what Obi-Wan Kenobi was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents...

5,039

What kind of protozoa likes Halloween? An amoeboo!

5,040

What would a Prius minivan be called? Post-us

5,041

Fidel Castro's last words Fidel Castro's final words were: "revive me I have the ray gun"

5,042

Young enough to know I can, old enough to know I shouldn't, stupid enough to do it anyway.

5,043

What's the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich? I don't fuck a sandwich before I eat it

5,044

GOD: I call this Tupperware SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one G: yes S: make the lid a little smaller

5,045

I assume the Burning Bush was the Bible's first recorded STD.

5,046

So you got mustard on your jeans. Shut up about it. We live on a wet marble that flies circles around a giant burning star. Fuck your jeans.

5,047

My girlfriend said to me that she wanted me to tease her, so I said, "All right, fatty."

5,048

Did you hear about the Lord Of The Rings and Taxi Driver fanatic who had a bit of a stutter? He said to his friend, "Jay, R, R you Tolkein to me?"

5,049

Be Alert The world needs more lerts.

5,050

Divorce.... Is the fucking you get for the fucking you got!

5,051

Small penises are like iPhones with cracked screens... They serve their purpose but nobody really wants one.

5,052

A construction worker asked me to make a joke about the contents of his toolbox. Unfortunately, I don't have any drill bits.

5,053

Why did the boy who rode his bike over a barbed wire fence miss his music lesson? Because he'd already done the sharps and flats.

5,054

I hate it when people ask me what I'll be doing in 5 years. I don't have 2020 vision, guys.

5,055

What time does Sean Connery get to the US Open? Ten-ish

5,056

6 things should be common in a Girl and Tea. Should be hot. should be strong. should be sweet. adequate milk. should be ready in 5 minutes. And lastly, won't let you sleep whole night :)

5,057

Is onamonapia.... umderstood by deaf people?

5,058

10 Money Saving Tips (Joke) http://travelmediacafe.com/2014/11/18/10-money-saving-tips/

5,059

LPT: Always make sure to post to the correct subreddit. It is an embarrassing mistake and most people will think you're an idiot.

5,060

Why did Adele cross the road? Because she wanted to say: > Hello from the other side...

5,061

Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.

5,062

When my girlfriend and I decided to make it official, I told her: I have to tell you, before we met, I was... well...promiscuous. Oh cool she exclaimed. I love Greek mythology.

5,063

What do Germans look at on the internet? Danke memes

5,064

Late night phone convo BF: Ok you hang up GF: No, you hang up BF: No, you first GF: Nooo, you first NSA: Shut the fuck up and hang up already!

5,065

All I want for Christmas is a stormtrooper who doesn't miss the target every time he shoots.

5,066

It's called Facebook not Boobbook. So next time try to get your face in the picture too? K thanks.

5,067

What do you call a black astronaut? Invisible

5,068

Why did the bachelors purchase double amputee strippers for their party? Because they were 50% off!

5,069

So Abraham Lincoln walks into a bar... ...and says, "I'll have a shot." Did I just make up a new lame joke, or has this been done before? I think I need to sleep.

5,070

What did one lawyer say to the other? "we are both lawyers."

5,071

Abortions are so fun... ...they really bring out the kid in you

5,072

Why should Trump be careful of deporting Mexicans? It could go south so fast.

5,073

Why did the Seahawks win the 2015 NFC Championship game against the Packers? Because even Aaron Rodgers is a 12!

5,074

Her: What do you do? Me: Global prosthetics distribution. Her: You're an artificial limb salesman? Me: I prefer international arms dealer'.

5,075

I gave a blind man 10$ He told me he'll pay me back the next time he sees me.

5,076

Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He's the Easter Bungee!

5,077

What's in common between Batman and a black guy? They can't go into a store without Robin

5,078

Best Joke Ever... This US presidential election. Yup, I went there...

5,079

Knock, knock. Who's there? Alan Rickman and David Bowie. Alan Rickman and David Bowie who? Alan Rickman and David Bowie have both died recently.

5,080

What kind of government does Disney World have? A plutocracy

5,081

It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC

5,082

Today a woman came into my doctor's office with a sexually transmitted mental illness. She was fucking crazy.

5,083

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish person? None.

5,084

Why does the food take so long at an Internet cafe? Because the servers cannot be found

5,085

What us the difference between white, brown and black people? The time God took to cook us

5,086

My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I didn't love her back. It's nice when problems resolve themselves like that.;-)

5,087

Found my son and his GF naked in his room, Sex-ED is so advanced. Now, they also give homework!

5,088

His son asked him what gay meant. Son: Dad, what does gay mean? Dad: Happy son. It means happy. Son: Then are YOU gay DAD? Dad: No son...... i have a wife...

5,089

*rings bell* "Can I help you?" Yes I'd like a dragon on my back an- *starts pooping on a crucifix* WTF? *checks sign on door* "Taboo Artist"

5,090

I play with my hair a lot because I don't have testicles.

5,091

Why is it a bad idea to give Elsa a balloon? Because she'll "Let it go! Let it go!" This joke was made up by my 5 year old nephew.

5,092

How do you get 50 Canadians out of a swimming pool? "Please get out of the swimming pool."

5,093

Me: This infomercial is so stupid. *10 mins later* Me: So all I have to pay on the 2nd one is the shipping and handling?

5,094

Guess what came in the mail today I did, I ran out of tissue.

5,095

In this economy I sometimes have to make tough choices. Like between eating or buy that cover for my iPad.

5,096

The Detroit Lions have been given guns to subvert increasing violence in the area... ...local zookeepers fear the worst.

5,097

What do you call a cellphone company that uses nuclear power? Cher-Mobile

5,098

I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you're looking for a life coach or whatever.

5,099

I'm sorry I committed a home invasion but somebody had to do something about those carpets.

5,100

How many male chauvinist does it take to change a lightbulb? None, the wife can cook fine in the dark