ysharma/short_jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

ID int64 1 232k	Joke stringlengths 10 200
4,801	I played a blank CD full blast on repeat all night last night. The mime next door went nuts!
4,802	I love you my friends and that's not just the beer talking. It's from the bottom of my bottle of wine too.
4,803	Teach us About Absolute Zero! 0K!
4,804	Q: What country is ill? A: Germany.
4,805	When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.
4,806	Teacher: "Who built the first American car?" Student: "Me Pilgrims." Teacher: "The Pilgrims?" Student: "Yeah they made the Mayflower Compact."
4,807	Sorry about the concussion Steve but it wouldn't be called a "trust fall" if it worked every time.
4,808	My friend is so stupid she thought Alabama is a city. Don't worry, I informed her Alabama is the president.
4,809	I try to be a good sport, but sometimes I'm badminton.
4,810	When is it ok to snipe police officers? As Dallast resort.
4,811	I hate it when winter comes. It makes my wenis so dry.
4,812	Q: What happens when two snails fight? A: They slug it out.
4,813	Whats the difference between Gabrielle Giffords and her husband....... Her husband flies in a bullet whereas bullets fly in to her.... too soon?
4,814	A clown and a child walk into the dark woods.... The child looks up at the clown and says "I'm scared." The clown replies "You're tellin' me kid, I have to walk back alone."
4,815	What is a ghost's favorite street? A boooooooolevard.
4,816	What could you create with Starbucks caramel mocha chip frappuccino? The Audi logo and The Olympics logo.
4,817	Skrillex' mother puts her ear to his bedroom door She hears constant bass drops Dad walks up "Sounds like he's Wubbing one out.."
4,818	Hey Bradley Cooper's eyes: the most beautiful sky imaginable called - it wants it's color back
4,819	Big shoutout to the lazy, seven year old idiot who named Red Delicious apples.
4,820	Yo mama is so fat that we were unable to put her under for the surgery. I'm sorry, there's nothing we could do.
4,821	My cats are named Ra and Isis. In ancient Egypt, they would have been gods.
4,822	I love jewish comedians they never ham it up.
4,823	What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? One stops sucking when you slap it and the other is a blonde.
4,824	The ocean isn't shark-infested. It's the ocean. That's where sharks live. We aren't supposed to be there. Humans infest the ocean.
4,825	What's the first sign of AIDS? A pounding sensation in the ass.
4,826	When you're accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don't reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
4,827	My feet were killing me yesterday. I bought some in-soles thinking they'd probably do nothing to help. Today I stand corrected.
4,828	My girlfriend and I were talking about pets, she said she'd like to get a manatee. I just laughed and said, "Two sugars, please."
4,829	im smart. if asian equals pi then four times four is sixteen told you i was smart...
4,830	What did the druggie do when he got acid? Took some tums
4,831	TIFU by mixing up by wifes sandwich order at Subway. Whoops, wrong sub.
4,832	is thinking that with their track record, buying condoms at a BP station is just taking too big a risk!
4,833	[blind date] "I'm like, really good at looks on hand making the sex" -did you just read that off your hand? "Hey! You're not blind!"
4,834	The old farmer hates when the horses neigh at night. The weird noises give him night-mares
4,835	If you can't buy a person, you can always sell him.
4,836	What do bulls do math with? A cow-culator! (Cue groans)
4,837	#1: My personality is 30% the last movie I watched.
4,838	What's the difference between a women's track team and a tribe of smart pygmies? The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.
4,839	How to get mustard out of your white shirt.. 1) go to a store 2) buy a new shirt
4,840	Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket! removes banana How did you know? begins to peel & eat banana I'm still glad to see you though.
4,841	I named my iPod "The Titanic" Oh look! It's syncing now.
4,842	Anyone else want to join my all Mexican tribute band? We are called Juan Direction.
4,843	What do you call a bear without teeth? You call that fellah a gummy bear.
4,844	my agent sent me a list of my followers & circled all crude avatars in red ink. if i dont block these people it WILL cost me the Arby's deal
4,845	The boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.... He serves up a great burger and fries.
4,846	What's the difference between an art student and a philosophy student? A philosophy student asks you why you want fries with that
4,847	just got my nipples pierced! and they gave me a discount because I have so many!
4,848	Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who's sick of her bullshit.
4,849	I poured my root beer into a square cup Now I've just got beer.
4,850	If our last names came from the jobs of our ancestors... Then I feel really bad for the boys of the "Dickinson" family tree.
4,851	So...Donald Trump was on The View today. I kept rewinding it and watching it trying to spot Elizabeth Hasselbeck's boner.
4,852	In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
4,853	I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
4,854	Did you hear about that new lesbian reversal medicine? It's called Trycoxagin.
4,855	Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
4,856	Knock knock? Who's there? Come in. Come in who? Me.
4,857	Her: What do you do? Me: I drill for oil. G: That sounds interesting. M: No, it's really... H: Don't do it, I'll leave M:...just boring
4,858	How did Watson and crick blow their chance with a hot girl? They said, "baby you'd look good if you got a pair of skinny genes"
4,859	What do you get from a cow on the North Pole? Cold cream!
4,860	What is similar between the life of an Ethiopian kid and the hype of Call Of Duty: Infinite Warfare? They're practically non existent.
4,861	Why is 6 afraid of 7? 'Cause 7 was a Registered Sex Offender.
4,862	If body builders religiously try to gain weight.. Does that mean they go to the gym for mass?
4,863	What do you call a cow without legs? Ground beef.
4,864	The EU referendum I liken the EU referendum to being in a pitch black room with two men in a mandatory rape scenario with both of them telling you theirs is the smallest.
4,865	I'm black, and I really hate it when my white friend doesn't answer my calls. I guess some old habits never die... White man always leavin' me hanging
4,866	Charlie Sheen Says He Has HIV... Finally a positive in his life.
4,867	What's the difference between a refugee and E.T? E.T learned English and wanted to go home.
4,868	What did the Cannibal do after he dumped his Girlfriend? Wipe his ass.
4,869	I've created a new type of bubble but I don't know how to describe it. It's indescribubble.
4,870	I'm always good at figuring out who dies first in a movie but sometimes directors fuck with me by casting too many black people...
4,871	Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. "A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago"
4,872	"Any two-watt bulbs?" "For what?" "That'll do. I'll take two." "Two what?" "I thought you didn't have any." "Any what?" "Yes, please."
4,873	Do you have hair around your nipples? Is it particularly in the hair-eola? ... I came up with this the other night while half asleep. Be gentle.
4,874	HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
4,875	Why do elephants squirt water through their noses? If they squirted it through their tails it'd be very difficult to aim.
4,876	Boy, I hate small talk. coworkers all grimace He's right behind me isn't he? Small talk starts cracking his knuckles
4,877	A midwife delivered a baby and asked the mother " wow your baby has such lovely hair, does he get it from his dad?" The new mother replied " I don't know, he wore a hat"
4,878	What's the difference between a paycheck and a D**k? You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
4,879	Calling your girlfriend Dumbledore.. ..cause she's the real head master
4,880	It was so hot today I saw a robin picking earthworms out of the ground with a pair of tongs.
4,881	what's harder than closing your blinds? My dick as I watch you through them
4,882	was that your rat running around here? - it is not a rat, it is a dwarf doxie - my cat ate it, meaning that's rat
4,883	How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the chin
4,884	What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter, he's not going to come anyway. (might of already been posted)
4,885	Pretty offensive joke: Why does all Turkish men have a mustache? because they wanna look like their mother.
4,886	I love when I leave work early to surprise my wife at home and she greets me with those three very special words... "Were you fired?"
4,887	What Did the Sadist Do to the Masochist? Nothing.
4,888	Weighed myself. Did elliptical for 30 minutes. Weighed myself. Half a pound heavier. Never exercising again.
4,889	when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won't eat a dog
4,890	dwights farm as suffered a massive blight, almost bankrupt he was signed for a massive record deal on the condition he give up farming turns out all he had to do was drop those sick beets
4,891	Did you know that the Shitzu and Bulldog breeds can never crossbreed ever? Just kidding, that's bullshit.
4,892	Not all Girl Scouts are nice. Some silent fart while you're filling out the paperwork for Thin Mints and they don't even say they're sorry.
4,893	Why did the North Korean defect to South Korea? He did some seoul searching.
4,894	Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They'll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
4,895	I entered an astronomy competition the other day... ...I didn't come first but I did get a constellation prize
4,896	thumb wrapped in giant bandage CW: Oh my God, what happened? Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
4,897	My Christmas tree isn't the only thing that's getting lit this time of year
4,898	What do you have to do to have a party in space? You have to Planet.
4,899	Why was 6 afraid of 7 Because 7 was a registered 6 offender
4,900	9/11 Jokes aren't funny. The other 2 however, are hilarious!

4,801

I played a blank CD full blast on repeat all night last night. The mime next door went nuts!

4,802

I love you my friends and that's not just the beer talking. It's from the bottom of my bottle of wine too.

4,803

Teach us About Absolute Zero! 0K!

4,804

Q: What country is ill? A: Germany.

4,805

When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.

4,806

Teacher: "Who built the first American car?" Student: "Me Pilgrims." Teacher: "The Pilgrims?" Student: "Yeah they made the Mayflower Compact."

4,807

Sorry about the concussion Steve but it wouldn't be called a "trust fall" if it worked every time.

4,808

My friend is so stupid she thought Alabama is a city. Don't worry, I informed her Alabama is the president.

4,809

I try to be a good sport, but sometimes I'm badminton.

4,810

When is it ok to snipe police officers? As Dallast resort.

4,811

I hate it when winter comes. It makes my wenis so dry.

4,812

Q: What happens when two snails fight? A: They slug it out.

4,813

Whats the difference between Gabrielle Giffords and her husband....... Her husband flies in a bullet whereas bullets fly in to her.... too soon?

4,814

A clown and a child walk into the dark woods.... The child looks up at the clown and says "I'm scared." The clown replies "You're tellin' me kid, I have to walk back alone."

4,815

What is a ghost's favorite street? A boooooooolevard.

4,816

What could you create with Starbucks caramel mocha chip frappuccino? The Audi logo and The Olympics logo.

4,817

*Skrillex' mother puts her ear to his bedroom door* *She hears constant bass drops* *Dad walks up* "Sounds like he's Wubbing one out.."

4,818

Hey Bradley Cooper's eyes: the most beautiful sky imaginable called - it wants it's color back

4,819

Big shoutout to the lazy, seven year old idiot who named Red Delicious apples.

4,820

Yo mama is so fat that we were unable to put her under for the surgery. I'm sorry, there's nothing we could do.

4,821

My cats are named Ra and Isis. In ancient Egypt, they would have been gods.

4,822

I love jewish comedians they never ham it up.

4,823

What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? One stops sucking when you slap it and the other is a blonde.

4,824

The ocean isn't shark-infested. It's the ocean. That's where sharks live. We aren't supposed to be there. Humans infest the ocean.

4,825

What's the first sign of AIDS? A pounding sensation in the ass.

4,826

When you're accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don't reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.

4,827

My feet were killing me yesterday. I bought some in-soles thinking they'd probably do nothing to help. Today I stand corrected.

4,828

My girlfriend and I were talking about pets, she said she'd like to get a manatee. I just laughed and said, "Two sugars, please."

4,829

im smart. if asian equals pi then four times four is sixteen told you i was smart...

4,830

What did the druggie do when he got acid? Took some tums

4,831

TIFU by mixing up by wifes sandwich order at Subway. Whoops, wrong sub.

4,832

is thinking that with their track record, buying condoms at a BP station is just taking too big a risk!

4,833

[blind date] "I'm like, really good at *looks on hand* making the sex" -did you just read that off your hand? "Hey! You're not blind!"

4,834

The old farmer hates when the horses neigh at night. The weird noises give him night-mares

4,835

If you can't buy a person, you can always sell him.

4,836

What do bulls do math with? A cow-culator! (Cue groans)

4,837

#1: My personality is 30% the last movie I watched.

4,838

What's the difference between a women's track team and a tribe of smart pygmies? The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.

4,839

How to get mustard out of your white shirt.. 1) go to a store 2) buy a new shirt

4,840

Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket! *removes banana* How did you know? *begins to peel & eat banana* I'm still glad to see you though.

4,841

I named my iPod "The Titanic" Oh look! It's syncing now.

4,842

Anyone else want to join my all Mexican tribute band? We are called Juan Direction.

4,843

What do you call a bear without teeth? You call that fellah a gummy bear.

4,844

my agent sent me a list of my followers & circled all crude avatars in red ink. if i dont block these people it WILL cost me the Arby's deal

4,845

The boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money.... He serves up a great burger and fries.

4,846

What's the difference between an art student and a philosophy student? A philosophy student asks you *why* you want fries with that

4,847

just got my nipples pierced! and they gave me a discount because I have so many!

4,848

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who's sick of her bullshit.

4,849

I poured my root beer into a square cup Now I've just got beer.

4,850

If our last names came from the jobs of our ancestors... Then I feel really bad for the boys of the "Dickinson" family tree.

4,851

So...Donald Trump was on The View today. I kept rewinding it and watching it trying to spot Elizabeth Hasselbeck's boner.

4,852

In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.

4,853

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

4,854

Did you hear about that new lesbian reversal medicine? It's called Trycoxagin.

4,855

Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet

4,856

Knock knock? Who's there? Come in. Come in who? Me.

4,857

Her: What do you do? Me: I drill for oil. G: That sounds interesting. M: No, it's really... H: Don't do it, I'll leave M:...just boring

4,858

How did Watson and crick blow their chance with a hot girl? They said, "baby you'd look good if you got a pair of skinny genes"

4,859

What do you get from a cow on the North Pole? Cold cream!

4,860

What is similar between the life of an Ethiopian kid and the hype of Call Of Duty: Infinite Warfare? They're practically non existent.

4,861

Why is 6 afraid of 7? 'Cause 7 was a Registered Sex Offender.

4,862

If body builders religiously try to gain weight.. Does that mean they go to the gym for mass?

4,863

What do you call a cow without legs? Ground beef.

4,864

The EU referendum I liken the EU referendum to being in a pitch black room with two men in a mandatory rape scenario with both of them telling you theirs is the smallest.

4,865

I'm black, and I really hate it when my white friend doesn't answer my calls. I guess some old habits never die... White man always leavin' me hanging

4,866

Charlie Sheen Says He Has HIV... Finally a positive in his life.

4,867

What's the difference between a refugee and E.T? E.T learned English and wanted to go home.

4,868

What did the Cannibal do after he dumped his Girlfriend? Wipe his ass.

4,869

I've created a new type of bubble but I don't know how to describe it. It's indescribubble.

4,870

I'm always good at figuring out who dies first in a movie but sometimes directors fuck with me by casting too many black people...

4,871

Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. "A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago"

4,872

"Any two-watt bulbs?" "For what?" "That'll do. I'll take two." "Two what?" "I thought you didn't have any." "Any what?" "Yes, please."

4,873

Do you have hair around your nipples? Is it particularly in the hair-eola? ... I came up with this the other night while half asleep. Be gentle.

4,874

HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!

4,875

Why do elephants squirt water through their noses? If they squirted it through their tails it'd be very difficult to aim.

4,876

Boy, I hate small talk. *coworkers all grimace* He's right behind me isn't he? *Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*

4,877

A midwife delivered a baby and asked the mother " wow your baby has such lovely hair, does he get it from his dad?" The new mother replied " I don't know, he wore a hat"

4,878

What's the difference between a paycheck and a D**k? You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

4,879

Calling your girlfriend Dumbledore.. ..cause she's the real head master

4,880

It was so hot today I saw a robin picking earthworms out of the ground with a pair of tongs.

4,881

what's harder than closing your blinds? My dick as I watch you through them

4,882

was that your rat running around here? - it is not a rat, it is a dwarf doxie - my cat ate it, meaning that's rat

4,883

How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the chin

4,884

What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter, he's not going to come anyway. (might of already been posted)

4,885

Pretty offensive joke: Why does all Turkish men have a mustache? because they wanna look like their mother.

4,886

I love when I leave work early to surprise my wife at home and she greets me with those three very special words... "Were you fired?"

4,887

What Did the Sadist Do to the Masochist? Nothing.

4,888

Weighed myself. Did elliptical for 30 minutes. Weighed myself. Half a pound heavier. Never exercising again.

4,889

when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won't eat a dog

4,890

dwights farm as suffered a massive blight, almost bankrupt he was signed for a massive record deal on the condition he give up farming turns out all he had to do was drop those sick beets

4,891

Did you know that the Shitzu and Bulldog breeds can never crossbreed ever? Just kidding, that's bullshit.

4,892

Not all Girl Scouts are nice. Some silent fart while you're filling out the paperwork for Thin Mints and they don't even say they're sorry.

4,893

Why did the North Korean defect to South Korea? He did some seoul searching.

4,894

Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They'll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.

4,895

I entered an astronomy competition the other day... ...I didn't come first but I did get a constellation prize

4,896

*thumb wrapped in giant bandage* CW: Oh my God, what happened? Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.

4,897

My Christmas tree isn't the only thing that's getting lit this time of year

4,898

What do you have to do to have a party in space? You have to Planet.

4,899

Why was 6 afraid of 7 Because 7 was a registered 6 offender

4,900

9/11 Jokes aren't funny. The other 2 however, are hilarious!