ysharma/short_jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

ID int64 1 232k	Joke stringlengths 10 200
4,601	I'm sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out. We are going to watch tv.
4,602	whispers to dog wearing a 'working dog, do not pet' vest psst what time does your shift end?
4,603	Hipster James Bond Movie - Oddjob uses a Fedora as a deadly throwing hat.
4,604	A Jew walks into a wall with an erection. Gets a broken nose. What does an Asian get? A broken nose.
4,605	"You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands." Lights another cigarette
4,606	I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist.
4,607	What did the baby eating cannibals say in the hospital to the expectant mothers? Fetus!!!
4,608	Why do teenage girls hangout in odd-sized groups at Starbucks? Because they can't even.
4,609	It was only after I started dancing in the food court - alone - that I learned flash mobs are planned...
4,610	College guy: How do you like it? Me: Salty...of course *slaps down $20 CG: We'll take two pretzels with salt ~Get outta the gutter pervs
4,611	How many anti-Trump protesters does it take to change a lightbulb? TRICK QUESTION. THEY CAN'T CHANGE ANYTHING.
4,612	My teachers are like my girlfriends... They are both best between periods.
4,613	I like to surprise cross-eyed people they never see it coming
4,614	I love Easter. My unborn children get to play find the egg tonight.
4,615	I present to you the world's shortest poem, entitled "Fleas". Adam had'em.
4,616	Sick eagles are forbidden by law. They're illeagle.
4,617	Do the right thing today: Go to someone's profile, scroll down 4 months, and like something.
4,618	Where does a general keep his armies? In his sleevies
4,619	What do you call an angry wind? A cross breeze.
4,620	I once had a job crushing cans. It was soda pressing.
4,621	If you're drunk, you're 3 sheets to the wind... ...if you're stoned, are you three papers to the wind?
4,622	What do you call a girl who expects a guy to do everything for her, make all the first moves, and text her first every day? SINGLE
4,623	Amazon Asked Me to Write a Review Amazon asked for feedback on the used telescope I bought from their site. I was honest with my review: "This telescope sucked. Two Stars."
4,624	Why do people hit things (ex. TV, computer, etc.) when they don't work? Well, it worked with the slaves.
4,625	What place of business helps dogs who have lost their tails? A retail store.
4,626	I really was gonna jog at the park today....but I just found an empty park bench so I'll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
4,627	Friend: You'll find love again. Me: STOP THREATENING ME
4,628	How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can't even get two kids to brush their teeth.
4,629	"Honey, can you bring me a roll of toilet paper?" Toilet paper- "I have a boyfriend"
4,630	A man tells his wife "Here's your aspirin, my dear." Wife: Why are you giving me an aspirin? I don't have a headache. Man: Gotcha! Let's fuck!
4,631	What do a married guy and a single guy have in common? They both think the other one gets laid more.
4,632	I hate it when my teachers hit on me. It sucks being homeschooled.
4,633	Russia is invading Ukraine? US: "NATO my watch!"
4,634	Cartoonist found dead in home . Details are sketchy.
4,635	What do you call a stillborn grizzly cub? Unbearable
4,636	Teacher: This is the third time I've had to tell you off this week what have you got to say about that? Pupil: Thank heavens it's Friday !
4,637	What's the difference between Trump and a Halloween pumpkin? The pumpkin is bright.
4,638	murderers are my pet peeve. im a real chill dude until i get murdered, then you better be prepared to have some sarcasm thrown your way
4,639	Why did the meme crossed the road A meme beme screme
4,640	My doctor said he couldn't prescribe me with Viagra. No hard feelings.
4,641	You know what's way better than an iPod? A zune
4,642	Every time you make a typo... the errorists win
4,643	Today's Relationships: You can touch each other, . . but . . . . not each others phones..!
4,644	When Jesus was crucified, what was the cause of death? Cross Contamination
4,645	Who wears a red suit, and knows if you are naughty or nice? The Spanish Inquisition
4,646	What do you call 3 mexicans breaking into somewhere? Trespassers
4,647	Just bought diapers and toilet paper because all my family does is shit.
4,648	I will do a lot of things but admiting I'm cold to my mom when she told me to bring a jacket is not one.
4,649	Anyone you can do, I can do better..
4,650	A man walks into a bar The bartender says "watch where you're going"
4,651	Whole Foods on Sunday is just a refugee camp for people with too much money.
4,652	Who is that walking up my driveway?! Anxiety in 3...2...1... [knock, knock] sigh "WAIT A SECOND!" mumbles "I need to find pants."
4,653	As a politician... You need to shake hands & kiss babies... ...and take good care not to confuse the two.
4,654	in an era of declining male friendship, the rap crew is a more appealing concept than ever
4,655	What to do when a blonde throws a grenade at you... What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
4,656	There was a fire at the local university. It was a smoke-free campus, so everyone present was arrested.
4,657	[Last Supper] Jesus: holds up bread This is my body holds up wine This is my blood And this is Sparta! kicks Judas into a pit
4,658	At a First Date Conversation At a first date: He: "I work with animals every day!" She: "Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?" He: "I'm a butcher."
4,659	I needed a password at least eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs...
4,660	Once upon a time, there was a Mexican family... that had only Juan kid.
4,661	I'm hoping the nuclear strike button & the trap-door for hecklers button on Trump's desk are completely different colours.
4,662	I like my coffee just how I like my slaves Free.
4,663	gives up horoscopes for Lent caves and reads horoscope "You are weak willed and lack conviction"
4,664	My friend has OCD and says he doesn't like white girls. Maybe because they can't even
4,665	The Pope walked into a bar and was arrested for diddling little boys.
4,666	I'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far I've got twelve fridges.
4,667	Being poor means having to read the menu card from right to left.
4,668	Fastfood Clerk: Number 27! Double steak combo with extra fries! Man: Right here! Clerk: Here you go sir, sorry about your weight. Man: Oh, it wasn't long at al- wait... Clerk: >:D
4,669	People are loving this whole 'birdie sanders' thing but... i don't recall a similar reaction when bill clinton got a bird to come
4,670	How much for these old batteries? For you? No charge.
4,671	I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn't have an "is online now" indicator
4,672	Boss: What's for lunch? Me: Food. B: What kind of food? M: The kind you eat. B: ... M: ... B: ... Me: You hired me. This is your fault.
4,673	why dont women drive? because theres not road from the bed room to the kitchen
4,674	Teacher: Why are you Late Today? Student: Because of sign down the road. Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late? Student: The sign said, "School Ahead, Go Slow!"
4,675	New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
4,676	Q: What's the difference between a chicken and a grape? A: They're both green except for the chicken.
4,677	Just one time I wanna see The Bachelor get a cold sore
4,678	I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, Shark! Help! I just laughed, i knew that Shark wasn't going to help him.
4,679	My doctor told me I should do something about my athlete's foot. But that's what makes me such a fun guy.
4,680	Trump is a godsend As in 1000 B.C. plague
4,681	Why do Jews always seem to find spare change laying around? They cents it.
4,682	I always thought that Last of Us needed more animals Nevertheless that giraffe scene with Ellie, fantastic.
4,683	Once a guy at the grocery store yelled at me to stop talking on a banana like a phone so I hung up and shot him with it.
4,684	On Facebook, my friend became a fan of Paris Hilton, Heidi Montag and Nickelback. I became a fan of unfriending her.
4,685	Did you hear about the new text-a-fart service? It's just one cent per scent sent!
4,686	Next wedding Im saying its a open bar but when u get there its going to be cash.Just b/c its a 3rd wedding doesnt mean u can skip it slacker
4,687	One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
4,688	Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
4,689	What do you call a musical wreath made from $100 bills? Aretha Franklins
4,690	Why did the crazed Packers fan throw out all of Aaron Rodgers's forks? They were too Cutler-y.
4,691	What's Santa's favourite metal band? Sleigher.
4,692	I met my girlfriends dad last weekend, he told me "Anything you do to my daughter ill do to you on my front lawn!" I said "I suppose you'll be buying me dinner on your front lawn?"
4,693	News report: Al-Qaida training monkeys to use AK-47s in battle. Not only is that scary, it's pretty much the coolest thing I've ever heard.
4,694	Terrorists are so slutty They'll blow on the first date
4,695	Did you hear Bruce Jenner was in a car accident? He was unhurt but his tranny was damaged.
4,696	My friend died today... He wasn't able to speak, but in his dying moments he wanted me to have his EpiPen. I'll cherish it forever.
4,697	One wonders if actual douche bags are now available in Ed Hardy designs.
4,698	They say divorce is ruining marriage, but my wife's parents are still married... ...and so are my girlfriend's.
4,699	Why are Father Christmas' reindeer like a cricket match? Because they're both stopped by the rein.
4,700	Operator: 911 Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do? O: Relax sir, is this her first born? Me: No, this is her husband.

4,601

I'm sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out. We are going to watch tv.

4,602

*whispers to dog wearing a 'working dog, do not pet' vest* psst what time does your shift end?

4,603

Hipster James Bond Movie - Oddjob uses a Fedora as a deadly throwing hat.

4,604

A Jew walks into a wall with an erection. Gets a broken nose. What does an Asian get? A broken nose.

4,605

"You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands." *Lights another cigarette*

4,606

I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist.

4,607

What did the baby eating cannibals say in the hospital to the expectant mothers? Fetus!!!

4,608

Why do teenage girls hangout in odd-sized groups at Starbucks? Because they can't even.

4,609

It was only after I started dancing in the food court - alone - that I learned flash mobs are planned...

4,610

College guy: How do you like it? Me: Salty...of course *slaps down $20 CG: We'll take two pretzels with salt ~Get outta the gutter pervs

4,611

How many anti-Trump protesters does it take to change a lightbulb? TRICK QUESTION. THEY CAN'T CHANGE ANYTHING.

4,612

My teachers are like my girlfriends... They are both best between periods.

4,613

I like to surprise cross-eyed people they never see it coming

4,614

I love Easter. My unborn children get to play find the egg tonight.

4,615

I present to you the world's shortest poem, entitled "Fleas". Adam had'em.

4,616

Sick eagles are forbidden by law. They're illeagle.

4,617

Do the right thing today: Go to someone's profile, scroll down 4 months, and like something.

4,618

Where does a general keep his armies? In his sleevies

4,619

What do you call an angry wind? A cross breeze.

4,620

I once had a job crushing cans. It was soda pressing.

4,621

If you're drunk, you're 3 sheets to the wind... ...if you're stoned, are you three papers to the wind?

4,622

What do you call a girl who expects a guy to do everything for her, make all the first moves, and text her first every day? SINGLE

4,623

Amazon Asked Me to Write a Review Amazon asked for feedback on the used telescope I bought from their site. I was honest with my review: "This telescope sucked. Two Stars."

4,624

Why do people hit things (ex. TV, computer, etc.) when they don't work? Well, it worked with the slaves.

4,625

What place of business helps dogs who have lost their tails? A retail store.

4,626

I really was gonna jog at the park today....but I just found an empty park bench so I'll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.

4,627

Friend: You'll find love again. Me: STOP THREATENING ME

4,628

How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can't even get two kids to brush their teeth.

4,629

"Honey, can you bring me a roll of toilet paper?" Toilet paper- "I have a boyfriend"

4,630

A man tells his wife "Here's your aspirin, my dear." Wife: Why are you giving me an aspirin? I don't have a headache. Man: Gotcha! Let's fuck!

4,631

What do a married guy and a single guy have in common? They both think the other one gets laid more.

4,632

I hate it when my teachers hit on me. It sucks being homeschooled.

4,633

Russia is invading Ukraine? US: "NATO my watch!"

4,634

Cartoonist found dead in home . Details are sketchy.

4,635

What do you call a stillborn grizzly cub? Unbearable

4,636

Teacher: This is the third time I've had to tell you off this week what have you got to say about that? Pupil: Thank heavens it's Friday !

4,637

What's the difference between Trump and a Halloween pumpkin? The pumpkin is bright.

4,638

murderers are my pet peeve. im a real chill dude until i get murdered, then you better be prepared to have some sarcasm thrown your way

4,639

Why did the meme crossed the road A meme beme screme

4,640

My doctor said he couldn't prescribe me with Viagra. No hard feelings.

4,641

You know what's way better than an iPod? A zune

4,642

Every time you make a typo... the errorists win

4,643

Today's Relationships: You can touch each other, . . but . . . . not each others phones..!

4,644

When Jesus was crucified, what was the cause of death? Cross Contamination

4,645

Who wears a red suit, and knows if you are naughty or nice? The Spanish Inquisition

4,646

What do you call 3 mexicans breaking into somewhere? Trespassers

4,647

Just bought diapers and toilet paper because all my family does is shit.

4,648

I will do a lot of things but admiting I'm cold to my mom when she told me to bring a jacket is not one.

4,649

Anyone you can do, I can do better..

4,650

A man walks into a bar The bartender says "watch where you're going"

4,651

Whole Foods on Sunday is just a refugee camp for people with too much money.

4,652

Who is that walking up my driveway?! Anxiety in 3...2...1... [knock, knock] *sigh* "WAIT A SECOND!" *mumbles* "I need to find pants."

4,653

As a politician... You need to shake hands & kiss babies... ...and take good care not to confuse the two.

4,654

in an era of declining male friendship, the rap crew is a more appealing concept than ever

4,655

What to do when a blonde throws a grenade at you... What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

4,656

There was a fire at the local university. It was a smoke-free campus, so everyone present was arrested.

4,657

[Last Supper] Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body *holds up wine* This is my blood And this is Sparta! *kicks Judas into a pit*

4,658

At a First Date Conversation At a first date: He: "I work with animals every day!" She: "Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?" He: "I'm a butcher."

4,659

I needed a password at least eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs...

4,660

Once upon a time, there was a Mexican family... that had only Juan kid.

4,661

I'm hoping the nuclear strike button & the trap-door for hecklers button on Trump's desk are completely different colours.

4,662

I like my coffee just how I like my slaves Free.

4,663

*gives up horoscopes for Lent *caves and reads horoscope "You are weak willed and lack conviction"

4,664

My friend has OCD and says he doesn't like white girls. Maybe because they can't even

4,665

The Pope walked into a bar and was arrested for diddling little boys.

4,666

I'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far I've got twelve fridges.

4,667

Being poor means having to read the menu card from right to left.

4,668

Fastfood Clerk: Number 27! Double steak combo with extra fries! Man: Right here! Clerk: Here you go sir, sorry about your weight. Man: Oh, it wasn't long at al- wait... Clerk: >:D

4,669

People are loving this whole 'birdie sanders' thing but... i don't recall a similar reaction when bill clinton got a bird to come

4,670

How much for these old batteries? For you? No charge.

4,671

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn't have an "is online now" indicator

4,672

Boss: What's for lunch? Me: Food. B: What kind of food? M: The kind you eat. B: ... M: ... B: ... Me: You hired me. This is your fault.

4,673

why dont women drive? because theres not road from the bed room to the kitchen

4,674

Teacher: Why are you Late Today? Student: Because of sign down the road. Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late? Student: The sign said, "School Ahead, Go Slow!"

4,675

New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.

4,676

Q: What's the difference between a chicken and a grape? A: They're both green except for the chicken.

4,677

Just one time I wanna see The Bachelor get a cold sore

4,678

I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, Shark! Help! I just laughed, i knew that Shark wasn't going to help him.

4,679

My doctor told me I should do something about my athlete's foot. But that's what makes me such a fun guy.

4,680

Trump is a godsend As in 1000 B.C. plague

4,681

Why do Jews always seem to find spare change laying around? They cents it.

4,682

I always thought that Last of Us needed more animals Nevertheless that giraffe scene with Ellie, fantastic.

4,683

Once a guy at the grocery store yelled at me to stop talking on a banana like a phone so I hung up and shot him with it.

4,684

On Facebook, my friend became a fan of Paris Hilton, Heidi Montag and Nickelback. I became a fan of unfriending her.

4,685

Did you hear about the new text-a-fart service? It's just one cent per scent sent!

4,686

Next wedding Im saying its a open bar but when u get there its going to be cash.Just b/c its a 3rd wedding doesnt mean u can skip it slacker

4,687

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

4,688

Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!

4,689

What do you call a musical wreath made from $100 bills? Aretha Franklins

4,690

Why did the crazed Packers fan throw out all of Aaron Rodgers's forks? They were too Cutler-y.

4,691

What's Santa's favourite metal band? Sleigher.

4,692

I met my girlfriends dad last weekend, he told me "Anything you do to my daughter ill do to you on my front lawn!" I said "I suppose you'll be buying me dinner on your front lawn?"

4,693

News report: Al-Qaida training monkeys to use AK-47s in battle. Not only is that scary, it's pretty much the coolest thing I've ever heard.

4,694

Terrorists are so slutty They'll blow on the first date

4,695

Did you hear Bruce Jenner was in a car accident? He was unhurt but his tranny was damaged.

4,696

My friend died today... He wasn't able to speak, but in his dying moments he wanted me to have his EpiPen. I'll cherish it forever.

4,697

One wonders if actual douche bags are now available in Ed Hardy designs.

4,698

They say divorce is ruining marriage, but my wife's parents are still married... ...and so are my girlfriend's.

4,699

Why are Father Christmas' reindeer like a cricket match? Because they're both stopped by the rein.

4,700

Operator: 911 Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do? O: Relax sir, is this her first born? Me: No, this is her husband.