ysharma/short_jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

ID int64 1 232k	Joke stringlengths 10 200
5,401	Did you hear about the starving horse? He was so hungry, he ate himself
5,402	If you're having a weird pain today remember, tons of people die from that stuff all the time.
5,403	What do you call a cow that just gave birth? Decaffeinated
5,404	If there's two things I hate, it's racist people and niggers.
5,405	just ordered so much food the delivery guy gave me four sets of utensils but it's okay I still love myself
5,406	Why did the narcissist with multiple personalities and a propensity for domestic violence only have one black eye? Because she didn't need to re-beat himself.
5,407	What is the Italian postal motto? We know where you live, your family too!
5,408	A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos! Unfortunately she's had a lot of problems with squatters.
5,409	What's a Ninja Turtle's favorite equation? A radical equation.
5,410	What do you do if an Elephant breaks his big toe? Call a big toe truck.
5,411	Yo mama is so ugly that she gave Freddy Krueger nightmares.
5,412	Did yo hear about the Hillary special at KFC? Two fat thighs and a left wing for $2.99
5,413	Shout out to Mother Earth! She's 4.6 billion years old and still getting hotter.
5,414	Why couldn't the taxidermist finish anything he started? Because he kept getting side tracked by pet projects
5,415	How do ants hide from aardvarks? They disguise themselves as uncles!
5,416	I thought for my whole life that air was free... ...then I bought a bag of chips.
5,417	Tried to inhale a pot seed to see if I could grow a pot plant in my lungs. Swallowed it instead and got a pot belly.
5,418	An ostrich commits grand heresy against the empire. He is promptly ostrichized. No? ok.
5,419	What did the god of lightning say after working out for the first time? I'm Thor
5,420	What does a pig put on his cut? Oinkment
5,421	I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.
5,422	They say men are 3 times as likely to be struck by lightning than women Because lighting is 1/3 as likely to strike in the kitchen
5,423	I'm hung like a baby boy. About 20 inches long, 14 inches around, weighs about 9 pounds.
5,424	[first day as a masseuse] Me: [closing book] "...& they all lived happily ever after" Customer: "That's not what I meant by 'happy ending'"
5,425	My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
5,426	I saw that you "liked" my status. You want me, don't you?
5,427	How do you recycle a condom? Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.
5,428	Why do people say "Be there or be square"? Because if you're not there, then you're not around.
5,429	The George Dubya Bush Presidential Library burned down... All three books were destroyed. Two of em hadn't even been coloured in yet.
5,430	Rhinos are really just old, fat unicorns. Don't argue. U know i'm right.
5,431	I have 2 donuts: a secular one and a religious one. The secular one is solid. The religious one is holey.
5,432	I'm just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions...
5,433	Please help, my email isn't twerking.. I think there is something cyrusly wrong.
5,434	What does a racist baker exclaim? white flour!
5,435	Why did the blind lady fall into the well? Because she couldn't see that well.
5,436	I didn't post that copyright notice thing on my Facebook and I've already seen SIX of MY photos of me with my casseroles in BMW commercials
5,437	How many feminists does it take to change a light-bulb? THAT'S NOT FUNNY!
5,438	If we're strictly talking body count, then I'm a morning person.
5,439	What is a time travelling vacuum cleaner called? Dr Whoover
5,440	Relax,,, We're all crazy.. It's not a competition.
5,441	You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
5,442	Parenting 101 1. Pour milk on floor. 2. Ask which kid did it. 3. Send them to their rooms when they don't admit it. 4. Enjoy peaceful evening.
5,443	What does a Mexican duck say? Guac Guac
5,444	I only have a beard so I can scratch it while I judge.
5,445	Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive? I just did and I won't be allowed on this airline again
5,446	I have a friend named "Chris Hoffman" I asked him to name his son Jack.
5,447	I miss my dog so much since he died, I just paid a homeless guy to come over and take a shit on my kitchen floor and then eat it.
5,448	What does a sheep, a drum, and a snake all say when falling off of a cliff? Baa-Dum-Sss
5,449	Reddit will end with not a bang, but a Pao.
5,450	So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says "hey, why the wrong face?"
5,451	How do telegraph operators apologize? Remorse code
5,452	The teacher asked Jimmy "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
5,453	What You're Saying with Your Drink Choice Lol
5,454	At the risk of offending my fans, I finally bought an air conditioner
5,455	The best pickup line I have a weapon in my pants. It's so strong it could destroy Uranus.
5,456	Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don't use a condom
5,457	You're spending a lot of time at that computer screen. Have you had your eyes checked? No they've always been blue!
5,458	There are 10 kinds of people in this world, those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who weren't expecting a trinary joke.
5,459	How do animals cross the ocean? On a Gir-raft.
5,460	I had a really good joke... but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime
5,461	The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
5,462	How did the butcher introduce his wife? Meet Patty!
5,463	So I got a piece of ass this morning... my finger slipped through the paper.
5,464	How does a train eat? They Chew-Chew.
5,465	Why is the robot good at one night stands? Because he nuts and bolts.
5,466	New phone My sister got an Iphone 5c. I asked if I could C it she said "No" so I said SIRI ously
5,467	Why didn't the dentist ask his secretary out?...He was already taking out a tooth
5,468	It seems highly unlikely that the Romans would have built a new cross for every execution, which means... Jesus was a repost.
5,469	tries to mount a horse Horse: "I have a boyfriend."
5,470	You hear about the newswoman with one boob? She kept abreast of the current issues. (go easy...just made this up)
5,471	Why has there never been a military dictatorship in America? Because they don't have an American embassy over there.
5,472	Who isn't white or black but shows you no color? A Rod
5,473	Yo momma so old.... She has a separate entrance for black men.
5,474	God all I want is a chance to prove that winning the lottery won't change me.
5,475	What's the best drink for a dog? An old faschund.
5,476	Just ate two bacon cheeseburgers, so if anyone wants to come rob me, I won't be getting up.
5,477	How many cats does it take to make a fur coat? None! Cats can't sew!
5,478	A man walks into a library to check out a book for men with small penises. The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet." "Yeah that's the one"
5,479	"Does this leaf make me look fat?" - Eve.
5,480	What does my ex and a tampon have in common? They're both stuck up cunts.
5,481	President Lincoln "I'm going to miss you, President Lincoln," said John Wilkes Booth. Booth lied. He didn't.
5,482	Saudi TV Mistake Saudi Arabia TV reported the Brussels attack 15 minutes earlier than it actually happened. Saudi TV sincerely apologizes for this innocent mistake.
5,483	Me: C'mon, baby. Send me a pic. Her: I dunno. Me: Baby, please. I need it. Her: Fine. Opens pic of pug dressed like a duck Me: Sweeeeeet
5,484	What's grey and comes in quarts? Elephants
5,485	if formula for area of a circle is true, whats the shape of pi. square
5,486	Seven days without Mexican food.... Makes Juan weak.
5,487	I heard some new music today and I can't be sure if I liked it or not. It was called Schrodinger Scat.
5,488	Why do they call it PMS? Because mad cow disease was already taken.
5,489	What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can always unscrew a light bulb.
5,490	The awesome moment when you're telling a lie and your best friend notices and joins you
5,491	This fly I just killed in my apartment is more talented than every celebrity that tweets on this fucking site.
5,492	Goldman Sachs is trimming bonuses. Conan O'Brien's payout is only $32 million. Anyone know where we can text-message our donations?
5,493	Q: What do you call a bunch of dead black people in a barn? A: Out dated farming equipment.
5,494	What do you call a midget psychic on the run? A small medium at large.
5,495	My next door neighbour just confronted me about her clothes going missing from the washing line .. I nearly shit her pants
5,496	Whats black and thin and all over my private parts? Dead African Children
5,497	How did Jesus feel when they crucified him? He was cross.
5,498	So I'm banging this guy from behind... ... and he turns around to kiss me, and I say "Whoa, buddy. I'm not gay!"
5,499	Six U.S congress men die and go to heaven.
5,500	"I may be fat, but you're ugly I can lose weight!"

5,401

Did you hear about the starving horse? He was so hungry, he ate himself

5,402

If you're having a weird pain today remember, tons of people die from that stuff all the time.

5,403

What do you call a cow that just gave birth? Decaffeinated

5,404

If there's two things I hate, it's racist people and niggers.

5,405

just ordered so much food the delivery guy gave me four sets of utensils but it's okay I still love myself

5,406

Why did the narcissist with multiple personalities and a propensity for domestic violence only have one black eye? Because she didn't need to re-beat himself.

5,407

What is the Italian postal motto? We know where **you** live, your family too!

5,408

A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos! Unfortunately she's had a lot of problems with squatters.

5,409

What's a Ninja Turtle's favorite equation? A radical equation.

5,410

What do you do if an Elephant breaks his big toe? Call a big toe truck.

5,411

Yo mama is so ugly that she gave Freddy Krueger nightmares.

5,412

Did yo hear about the Hillary special at KFC? Two fat thighs and a left wing for $2.99

5,413

Shout out to Mother Earth! She's 4.6 billion years old and still getting hotter.

5,414

Why couldn't the taxidermist finish anything he started? Because he kept getting side tracked by pet projects

5,415

How do ants hide from aardvarks? They disguise themselves as uncles!

5,416

I thought for my whole life that air was free... ...then I bought a bag of chips.

5,417

Tried to inhale a pot seed to see if I could grow a pot plant in my lungs. Swallowed it instead and got a pot belly.

5,418

An ostrich commits grand heresy against the empire. He is promptly ostrichized. No? ok.

5,419

What did the god of lightning say after working out for the first time? I'm Thor

5,420

What does a pig put on his cut? Oinkment

5,421

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

5,422

They say men are 3 times as likely to be struck by lightning than women Because lighting is 1/3 as likely to strike in the kitchen

5,423

I'm hung like a baby boy. About 20 inches long, 14 inches around, weighs about 9 pounds.

5,424

[first day as a masseuse] Me: [closing book] "...& they all lived happily ever after" Customer: "That's not what I meant by 'happy ending'"

5,425

My kids are really competing for least favorite today.

5,426

I saw that you "liked" my status. You want me, don't you?

5,427

How do you recycle a condom? Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.

5,428

Why do people say "Be there or be square"? Because if you're not there, then you're not around.

5,429

The George Dubya Bush Presidential Library burned down... All three books were destroyed. Two of em hadn't even been coloured in yet.

5,430

Rhinos are really just old, fat unicorns. Don't argue. U know i'm right.

5,431

I have 2 donuts: a secular one and a religious one. The secular one is solid. The religious one is holey.

5,432

I'm just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions...

5,433

Please help, my email isn't twerking.. I think there is something cyrusly wrong.

5,434

What does a racist baker exclaim? white flour!

5,435

Why did the blind lady fall into the well? Because she couldn't see that well.

5,436

I didn't post that copyright notice thing on my Facebook and I've already seen SIX of MY photos of me with my casseroles in BMW commercials

5,437

How many feminists does it take to change a light-bulb? THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

5,438

If we're strictly talking body count, then I'm a morning person.

5,439

What is a time travelling vacuum cleaner called? Dr Whoover

5,440

Relax,,, We're all crazy.. It's not a competition.

5,441

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

5,442

Parenting 101 1. Pour milk on floor. 2. Ask which kid did it. 3. Send them to their rooms when they don't admit it. 4. Enjoy peaceful evening.

5,443

What does a Mexican duck say? Guac Guac

5,444

I only have a beard so I can scratch it while I judge.

5,445

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive? I just did and I won't be allowed on this airline again

5,446

I have a friend named "Chris Hoffman" I asked him to name his son Jack.

5,447

I miss my dog so much since he died, I just paid a homeless guy to come over and take a shit on my kitchen floor and then eat it.

5,448

What does a sheep, a drum, and a snake all say when falling off of a cliff? Baa-Dum-Sss

5,449

Reddit will end with not a bang, but a Pao.

5,450

So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says "hey, why the wrong face?"

5,451

How do telegraph operators apologize? Remorse code

5,452

The teacher asked Jimmy "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

5,453

What You're Saying with Your Drink Choice Lol

5,454

At the risk of offending my fans, I finally bought an air conditioner

5,455

The best pickup line I have a weapon in my pants. It's so strong it could destroy Uranus.

5,456

Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don't use a condom

5,457

You're spending a lot of time at that computer screen. Have you had your eyes checked? No they've always been blue!

5,458

There are 10 kinds of people in this world, those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who weren't expecting a trinary joke.

5,459

How do animals cross the ocean? On a Gir-raft.

5,460

I had a really good joke... but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime

5,461

The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.

5,462

How did the butcher introduce his wife? Meet Patty!

5,463

So I got a piece of ass this morning... my finger slipped through the paper.

5,464

How does a train eat? They Chew-Chew.

5,465

Why is the robot good at one night stands? Because he nuts and bolts.

5,466

New phone My sister got an Iphone 5c. I asked if I could C it she said "No" so I said SIRI ously

5,467

Why didn't the dentist ask his secretary out?...He was already taking out a tooth

5,468

It seems highly unlikely that the Romans would have built a new cross for every execution, which means... Jesus was a repost.

5,469

*tries to mount a horse* Horse: "I have a boyfriend."

5,470

You hear about the newswoman with one boob? She kept abreast of the current issues. (go easy...just made this up)

5,471

Why has there never been a military dictatorship in America? Because they don't have an American embassy over there.

5,472

Who isn't white or black but shows you no color? A Rod

5,473

Yo momma so old.... She has a separate entrance for black men.

5,474

God all I want is a chance to prove that winning the lottery won't change me.

5,475

What's the best drink for a dog? An old faschund.

5,476

Just ate two bacon cheeseburgers, so if anyone wants to come rob me, I won't be getting up.

5,477

How many cats does it take to make a fur coat? None! Cats can't sew!

5,478

A man walks into a library to check out a book for men with small penises. The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet." "Yeah that's the one"

5,479

"Does this leaf make me look fat?" - Eve.

5,480

What does my ex and a tampon have in common? They're both stuck up cunts.

5,481

President Lincoln "I'm going to miss you, President Lincoln," said John Wilkes Booth. Booth lied. He didn't.

5,482

Saudi TV Mistake Saudi Arabia TV reported the Brussels attack 15 minutes earlier than it actually happened. Saudi TV sincerely apologizes for this innocent mistake.

5,483

Me: C'mon, baby. Send me a pic. Her: I dunno. Me: Baby, please. I need it. Her: Fine. *Opens pic of pug dressed like a duck* Me: Sweeeeeet

5,484

What's grey and comes in quarts? Elephants

5,485

if formula for area of a circle is true, whats the shape of pi. square

5,486

Seven days without Mexican food.... Makes Juan weak.

5,487

I heard some new music today and I can't be sure if I liked it or not. It was called Schrodinger Scat.

5,488

Why do they call it PMS? Because mad cow disease was already taken.

5,489

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? You can always unscrew a light bulb.

5,490

The awesome moment when you're telling a lie and your best friend notices and joins you

5,491

This fly I just killed in my apartment is more talented than every celebrity that tweets on this fucking site.

5,492

Goldman Sachs is trimming bonuses. Conan O'Brien's payout is only $32 million. Anyone know where we can text-message our donations?

5,493

Q: What do you call a bunch of dead black people in a barn? A: Out dated farming equipment.

5,494

What do you call a midget psychic on the run? A small medium at large.

5,495

My next door neighbour just confronted me about her clothes going missing from the washing line .. I nearly shit her pants

5,496

Whats black and thin and all over my private parts? Dead African Children

5,497

How did Jesus feel when they crucified him? He was cross.

5,498

So I'm banging this guy from behind... ... and he turns around to kiss me, and I say "Whoa, buddy. I'm not gay!"

5,499

Six U.S congress men die and go to heaven.

5,500

"I may be fat, but you're ugly I can lose weight!"