ysharma/short_jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

ID int64 1 232k	Joke stringlengths 10 200
4,201	Women have closets full of 'I have nothing to wear.'
4,202	What did the Blind, Deaf man get for Christmas?? Cancer
4,203	I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash? Because it had a bad driver! drops mic
4,204	"Let's check in with Ted our correspondent in the field." Ted: "Hey Bob I've been in this field for about an hour, and I'm super bored."
4,205	Two generations that were unable to go to bed without their stuffed animals or blankies now feel the same way about their phones.
4,206	The script for the upcoming Tetris movie is terrible Each actor just says four lines and then disappears.
4,207	I bought a book yesterday-a real one with paper, and you have to turn pages and everything! Living like a cave person. Life is hard.
4,208	A teenager buys condoms for the first time... The cashier says, "That'll be $9.95 plus tax.". Horrified, the boy exclaims "I thought they stayed on by themselves!"
4,209	"This surgical knife isn't sharp," ...Dr. Swiftie said bluntly.
4,210	Say 'beer can' in a British accent. I just taught you to say 'bacon' in a Jamaican accent.
4,211	Look dude, I'm going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
4,212	I was walking through a graveyard this morning and saw a man squatting by a tombstone. I shouted "Morning!" He replied "No, just pooping."
4,213	Q: How do you get 27 kids to carve a statue? A: Have everybody chip in.
4,214	What do rednecks do on Halloween? Pump-kin!
4,215	I haven't told anyone but last night I let my husband indulge his "scat" fetish. I'm glad I got that off my chest.
4,216	eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner
4,217	"911? Yes I need to report an incident" "What is it mam?" "THIS. GIRL. IS. ON. FIRE!" "Getting real tired of this crap, Alicia."
4,218	I came up with a new word that means taking someone else's work and passing it off as my own. Plagiarism
4,219	Are you writing a thank you letter to Grandma like I told you to? Yes Mom. Your handwriting seems very large. Well Grandma's very deaf so I'm writing very loudly.
4,220	The memory foam in my mattress is probably wishing it could forget me.
4,221	What do rednecks do on Halloween? Pump-kin.
4,222	If Donald Trump becomes president, he'll increase taxes, he'll increase borders... And the population of Canada.
4,223	How did the prostitute get a job at the zoo? They heard she could handle a cockatoo.
4,224	Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
4,225	You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I'm telling you why. Life gets worse when you're an adult.
4,226	Why doesn't Jesus play basketball? He got crossed up.
4,227	"Kim Jong Il dies at 69." That's how I'd like to go. With wet balls and a face full of cunt.
4,228	So I got asked if I wanted a threesome... I said no thanks, if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I'd go out to dinner with my parents.
4,229	Bandwagon fans make me so mad, I've hated Benghazi for decades
4,230	Yo momma's pussay is like the white house: No bush, and there's a black guy in there now.
4,231	What do you call a pessimistic Mexican? A Mexican't
4,232	All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they're being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
4,233	teacher: "there are no stupid questions" me: "ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese"
4,234	Which astronaut wears the biggest helmet? The one with the biggest head.
4,235	I'm so pissed right now I'm going to open a can of... what the hell, when did they start putting child proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass?
4,236	Facebook memories are a great way to see how fat you've gotten.
4,237	What does a grizzly wear under his fur? Under-bear.
4,238	What is the best part of living in Flint You get free Orange Juice
4,239	Muffins. So there are two muffins in an oven. One says to the other, "Is it getting hot in here, or is it just me?" And the second one says, "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"
4,240	Unemployment rate went down to historic lows I think I might switch my major to art -No one ever
4,241	What is Fonzi's favorite letter of the alphabet? "F", for Fonzi. Duh.
4,242	How's Bud Light like having sex in a canoe? They're both fucking pretty close to water.
4,243	If your wife is shouting Q: If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first? A: The dog -- at least he'll quiet down after you let him in.
4,244	New Coworker: So do you have any kids? Me: Yeah, one too many New Coworker: Haha, oh yeah? How many do you have? Me: One
4,245	Buffalo Snow Not to make light of a deadly situation, but if this storm and flood ends up wiping away Buffalo, my chicken wing collection is going to be worth a fortune.
4,246	What did the Buddhist say to the Hot-Dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
4,247	I had the dream again, the one where I show up to a standardized test with a no.3 pencil.
4,248	What's the difference between a cat and a comma? A cat has claws at the end of it's paws, a comma has a pause and the end of it's clause.
4,249	What do you call a cow who has just had an abortion? De-calf-inated
4,250	Two crows walk into a bar. Before they can order their first drink, they get arrested for attempted murder.
4,251	Did you hear that great joke about Schrodinger's cat?
4,252	Advice from a 6 year old patient: "You should wear your stethoscope everywhere...girls will really like you. You look smart"
4,253	<--- only has 13 problems left. Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
4,254	Princess Peach: Something's different. You seem taller. Luigi wearing Mario's red overalls: No, nothing is different. It'sa me, Mario.
4,255	What's something white people can call other white people but black people can't call other black people? Dad.
4,256	Whoever said, "there's no place like home for the holidays" clearly hasn't been to my house.
4,257	A security camera caught a couple having sex in an elevator. .... They got off on the eighth floor.... then they straightened their clothing and exited the elevator on the 14th floor.
4,258	What's the difference between r/politics and r/liberal? None
4,259	hops off a horse alright buddy, your turn
4,260	A sexist, a racist and a homophobe walk into a bar Bartender: 'What will it be, Mr Trump?'
4,261	Two fish are in a tank One turns to the other and asks "How do you drive this thing?"
4,262	Hey girl, are you Liam Neeson's daughter? Because if so nvm
4,263	I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No, one drag is enough."
4,264	Did you like the movie yesterday? How is Jerry doing at school? It's a pity you broke up with Mark, he was OK. "Do I know you?" "I follow you on twitter."
4,265	Probably my worst birthday was my 9th because my mom was in jail & her boyfriend TJ made me a pinata filled with maggots & hair.
4,266	[Deathbed Confession] I wish I'd listened to my girlfriend more often. Especially as I crossed the road after she yelled BUS.
4,267	So in the old days Jesus told me that he needs an ark, I reply : "I noah guy"
4,268	I was Hungary... so Iran to Turkey
4,269	how many calories are in a horse
4,270	retweet if a walrus named jamaal got you pregnant then wouldn't pay child support so you had to take him to Maury
4,271	A polite penis stands up when a lady wants to sit down
4,272	Sally Why did Sally fall of the swing? She had no arms. Knock knock (Reader says who's there) Not Sally.
4,273	Why Wasn't Hitler Allowed to Host Jeapoardy? He kept asking the contestants if their answers were their final solution.
4,274	I don't care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
4,275	What did the child with no arms and no legs get for Christmas? Cancer.
4,276	How many Ferguson protesters does it take to change a light bulb? None; they can't change anything.
4,277	I wish I could commute by roller coaster.
4,278	Why do girls always walk around in odd numbered groups? Because they can't even.
4,279	A repost walks into a bar Bartender says "shit, you again?!".
4,280	At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
4,281	For the low, low price of $14.95, I'll send you my instructional DVD, "How to Succeed as a Con Man."
4,282	A man walks into a bar... Because he forgot he was in Jail
4,283	She said, "I want you to make love to me so badly." He replied, "And that's exactly what I'm going to do."
4,284	No thanks, dentist's office that used to be a house
4,285	One of my black friends told me this, and I didn't know if I should laugh: What do you call a black hitchhiker? Stranded
4,286	Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.
4,287	The Chinese emperor went out on a guys night. It was the man-date of heaven.
4,288	Not everything Donald Trump says is stupid. He also says "Tremendous", "Sad", and "Pathetic".
4,289	What do a cue ball and a mexican have in common? The harder you hit them, the more English you get out of them.
4,290	Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
4,291	So this ray of light broke bad. It was put in prism.
4,292	Hellen Keller walks into a bar. And then a table, and then a stool.
4,293	In my dreams, my balloons come back down and apologize for leaving me.
4,294	What do you call a fish with no eye? FSH
4,295	Guys! I demand you stop making jokes about 9/11! Its just plane wrong!
4,296	Accept it. Your parents HAVE had sex before.
4,297	There are three types of people... People who can count and people who can't
4,298	A Facebook friend posted 8 pictures of himself fixing a lawnmower, so I drove over and shot him. It just felt like the right thing to do.
4,299	Nuts. When you have nuts on the wall they're called walnuts. When you have nuts on your chest they're called chestnuts. When you have nuts on your chin you're called a cocksucker.
4,300	There is no 'I' in 'Denial'

4,201

Women have closets full of 'I have nothing to wear.'

4,202

What did the Blind, Deaf man get for Christmas?? Cancer

4,203

I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash? Because it had a bad driver! *drops mic*

4,204

"Let's check in with Ted our correspondent in the field." Ted: "Hey Bob I've been in this field for about an hour, and I'm super bored."

4,205

Two generations that were unable to go to bed without their stuffed animals or blankies now feel the same way about their phones.

4,206

The script for the upcoming Tetris movie is terrible Each actor just says four lines and then disappears.

4,207

I bought a book yesterday-a real one with paper, and you have to turn pages and everything! Living like a cave person. Life is hard.

4,208

A teenager buys condoms for the first time... The cashier says, "That'll be $9.95 plus tax.". Horrified, the boy exclaims "I thought they stayed on by themselves!"

4,209

"This surgical knife isn't sharp," ...Dr. Swiftie said bluntly.

4,210

Say 'beer can' in a British accent. I just taught you to say 'bacon' in a Jamaican accent.

4,211

Look dude, I'm going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party

4,212

I was walking through a graveyard this morning and saw a man squatting by a tombstone. I shouted "Morning!" He replied "No, just pooping."

4,213

Q: How do you get 27 kids to carve a statue? A: Have everybody chip in.

4,214

What do rednecks do on Halloween? Pump-kin!

4,215

I haven't told anyone but last night I let my husband indulge his "scat" fetish. I'm glad I got that off my chest.

4,216

*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*

4,217

"911? Yes I need to report an incident" "What is it mam?" "THIS. GIRL. IS. ON. FIRE!" "Getting real tired of this crap, Alicia."

4,218

I came up with a new word that means taking someone else's work and passing it off as my own. Plagiarism

4,219

Are you writing a thank you letter to Grandma like I told you to? Yes Mom. Your handwriting seems very large. Well Grandma's very deaf so I'm writing very loudly.

4,220

The memory foam in my mattress is probably wishing it could forget me.

4,221

What do rednecks do on Halloween? Pump-kin.

4,222

If Donald Trump becomes president, he'll increase taxes, he'll increase borders... And the population of Canada.

4,223

How did the prostitute get a job at the zoo? They heard she could handle a cockatoo.

4,224

Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.

4,225

You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I'm telling you why. Life gets worse when you're an adult.

4,226

Why doesn't Jesus play basketball? He got crossed up.

4,227

"Kim Jong Il dies at 69." That's how I'd like to go. With wet balls and a face full of cunt.

4,228

So I got asked if I wanted a threesome... I said no thanks, if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I'd go out to dinner with my parents.

4,229

Bandwagon fans make me so mad, I've hated Benghazi for decades

4,230

Yo momma's pussay is like the white house: No bush, and there's a black guy in there now.

4,231

What do you call a pessimistic Mexican? A Mexican't

4,232

All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they're being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.

4,233

teacher: "there are no stupid questions" me: "ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese"

4,234

Which astronaut wears the biggest helmet? The one with the biggest head.

4,235

I'm so pissed right now I'm going to open a can of... what the hell, when did they start putting child proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass?

4,236

Facebook memories are a great way to see how fat you've gotten.

4,237

What does a grizzly wear under his fur? Under-bear.

4,238

What is the best part of living in Flint You get free Orange Juice

4,239

Muffins. So there are two muffins in an oven. One says to the other, "Is it getting hot in here, or is it just me?" And the second one says, "Holy shit, a talking muffin!"

4,240

Unemployment rate went down to historic lows I think I might switch my major to art -No one ever

4,241

What is Fonzi's favorite letter of the alphabet? "F", for Fonzi. Duh.

4,242

How's Bud Light like having sex in a canoe? They're both fucking pretty close to water.

4,243

If your wife is shouting Q: If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first? A: The dog -- at least he'll quiet down after you let him in.

4,244

New Coworker: So do you have any kids? Me: Yeah, one too many New Coworker: Haha, oh yeah? How many do you have? Me: One

4,245

Buffalo Snow Not to make light of a deadly situation, but if this storm and flood ends up wiping away Buffalo, my chicken wing collection is going to be worth a fortune.

4,246

What did the Buddhist say to the Hot-Dog vendor? Make me one with everything.

4,247

I had the dream again, the one where I show up to a standardized test with a no.3 pencil.

4,248

What's the difference between a cat and a comma? A cat has claws at the end of it's paws, a comma has a pause and the end of it's clause.

4,249

What do you call a cow who has just had an abortion? De-calf-inated

4,250

Two crows walk into a bar. Before they can order their first drink, they get arrested for attempted murder.

4,251

Did you hear that great joke about Schrodinger's cat?

4,252

Advice from a 6 year old patient: "You should wear your stethoscope everywhere...girls will really like you. You look smart"

4,253

<--- only has 13 problems left. Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!

4,254

Princess Peach: Something's different. You seem taller. Luigi wearing Mario's red overalls: No, nothing is different. It'sa me, Mario.

4,255

What's something white people can call other white people but black people can't call other black people? Dad.

4,256

Whoever said, "there's no place like home for the holidays" clearly hasn't been to my house.

4,257

A security camera caught a couple having sex in an elevator. .... They got off on the eighth floor.... then they straightened their clothing and exited the elevator on the 14th floor.

4,258

What's the difference between r/politics and r/liberal? None

4,259

*hops off a horse* alright buddy, your turn

4,260

A sexist, a racist and a homophobe walk into a bar Bartender: 'What will it be, Mr Trump?'

4,261

Two fish are in a tank One turns to the other and asks "How do you drive this thing?"

4,262

Hey girl, are you Liam Neeson's daughter? Because if so nvm

4,263

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No, one drag is enough."

4,264

Did you like the movie yesterday? How is Jerry doing at school? It's a pity you broke up with Mark, he was OK. "Do I know you?" "I follow you on twitter."

4,265

Probably my worst birthday was my 9th because my mom was in jail & her boyfriend TJ made me a pinata filled with maggots & hair.

4,266

[Deathbed Confession] I wish I'd listened to my girlfriend more often. Especially as I crossed the road after she yelled BUS.

4,267

So in the old days Jesus told me that he needs an ark, I reply : "I noah guy"

4,268

I was Hungary... so Iran to Turkey

4,269

how many calories are in a horse

4,270

retweet if a walrus named jamaal got you pregnant then wouldn't pay child support so you had to take him to Maury

4,271

A polite penis stands up when a lady wants to sit down

4,272

Sally Why did Sally fall of the swing? She had no arms. Knock knock (Reader says who's there) Not Sally.

4,273

Why Wasn't Hitler Allowed to Host Jeapoardy? He kept asking the contestants if their answers were their final solution.

4,274

I don't care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.

4,275

What did the child with no arms and no legs get for Christmas? Cancer.

4,276

How many Ferguson protesters does it take to change a light bulb? None; they can't change anything.

4,277

I wish I could commute by roller coaster.

4,278

Why do girls always walk around in odd numbered groups? Because they can't even.

4,279

A repost walks into a bar Bartender says "shit, you again?!".

4,280

At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die

4,281

For the low, low price of $14.95, I'll send you my instructional DVD, "How to Succeed as a Con Man."

4,282

A man walks into a bar... Because he forgot he was in Jail

4,283

She said, "I want you to make love to me so badly." He replied, "And that's exactly what I'm going to do."

4,284

No thanks, dentist's office that used to be a house

4,285

One of my black friends told me this, and I didn't know if I should laugh: What do you call a black hitchhiker? Stranded

4,286

Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.

4,287

The Chinese emperor went out on a guys night. It was the man-date of heaven.

4,288

Not everything Donald Trump says is stupid. He also says "Tremendous", "Sad", and "Pathetic".

4,289

What do a cue ball and a mexican have in common? The harder you hit them, the more English you get out of them.

4,290

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

4,291

So this ray of light broke bad. It was put in prism.

4,292

Hellen Keller walks into a bar. And then a table, and then a stool.

4,293

In my dreams, my balloons come back down and apologize for leaving me.

4,294

What do you call a fish with no eye? FSH

4,295

Guys! I demand you stop making jokes about 9/11! Its just plane wrong!

4,296

Accept it. Your parents HAVE had sex before.

4,297

There are three types of people... People who can count and people who can't

4,298

A Facebook friend posted 8 pictures of himself fixing a lawnmower, so I drove over and shot him. It just felt like the right thing to do.

4,299

Nuts. When you have nuts on the wall they're called walnuts. When you have nuts on your chest they're called chestnuts. When you have nuts on your chin you're called a cocksucker.

4,300

There is no 'I' in 'Denial'