ysharma/short_jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

ID int64 1 232k	Joke stringlengths 10 200
4,001	I told my girlfriend that I wanted to be cremated... I then told my family that I had no specific burial requests, just make sure that they don't have me cremated, no matter what.
4,002	Ethics of the police
4,003	How many brits are needed to change a light bulb None they just terminate their apartment contract.
4,004	Conjecture: At some point in 2013, our neighbors will get so high that they accidentally sell their own weed. For weed money. To buy weed.
4,005	Diary June 28 1954 So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can't tell anybody this. June 30 1954 I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
4,006	I have a new job. I'm a dressing room attendant for dancers at a strip club. $300/week. That's not much, but it's all I can afford.
4,007	What's the difference between a fish and a mountain goat? Fish muck about in fountains...
4,008	So what do Islam and Subway Sandwich Shop have in common? A: They both had a pedophile spokesman. http://www.citizenliberty.com/2015/11/so-what-do-islam-and-subway-common.html
4,009	Did you hear about that new species of mosquito? It's called the Nickelback, it really sucks.
4,010	What spends a good 3 hours a day in my hand? hint it starts with P and ends with S. Pens! :D ... wait what were YOU THINKING?!?!?!
4,011	It's so cold this morning I had to seperate my dogs poop into two seperate bags and use them as hand warmers.
4,012	What if Stephen Hawking is the real Slim Shady? But we'll never know, because he can't stand up?
4,013	if it's called morning wood for men then what is it for women.. Morning dew.
4,014	Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
4,015	make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
4,016	Duck you AutoCorrect! You Blimb! I'm way more BadApps than you make me out to be! You Ducking piece of shed..BuckFace Toothless Bastilleday!
4,017	What is a polygon? A dead parrot.
4,018	How do you reheat a cold war? You nuke it.
4,019	Why shouldn't you let your kids run more than a mile? Because at the second mile they get raped.
4,020	Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
4,021	How did a sexy but unqualified Japanese woman get voted into public office? Erections
4,022	Whats the difference between a canoe and a jew? One tips the other doesn't.
4,023	What do you call a black guy in a museum? Antique farm equipment
4,024	What's the difference between a Snowman and a Snowwoman? SnowBalls!
4,025	After today the rest of the world will get "FOUR MORE YEARS!" without having to hear about the US election.
4,026	LPT: Never use hyperbole.
4,027	Lubricant?? ... Lubri-CAN!!!
4,028	Whenever I walk into a crowded men's room, I shout So this is where all the dicks hang out!
4,029	If you're American & I ever hear you use the word "whilst," this I swear: you will not live to see the 3rd season of Sherlock.
4,030	How can you tell if a groom is Polish? He would be the one with the clean bowling shirt.
4,031	Barber: Were you wearing a red scarf when you came in? Customer: No. Barber: Oh dear! Then I must have cut your throat.
4,032	Toucan: Albanians kidnap Liam Neesons bird
4,033	[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler? No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously]. Oh, good. [Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
4,034	To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
4,035	Who's your dad's cousin's cousin's daughter to you? A potential Tinder date.
4,036	did you hear about the psychic midget who escaped from prison? he is a small medium, at large
4,037	mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren't being eaten. So. I guess it's probably horrified-screaming my language.
4,038	I was screwing this African woman last night, she kept yelling the N word It was really hard to concentrate with her screaming no the entire time
4,039	What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? SNOWBALLS
4,040	my glass eye is freaking you out? sorry I didn't real eyes.
4,041	Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there's a wine sampling booth that day?
4,042	What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a Harley Davidson? The vacuum has the dirtbag on the inside.
4,043	How can you tell if someone is having a stroke? There is lotion and used tissues laying around
4,044	Hey you know how people say they hate math because it doesn't make sense? I think that is unfair because math loves them. The problem is that math shows its love by playing hard to get.
4,045	I was doing so well getting over my viagra addiction... But I couldn't keep it up.
4,046	A girl runs up to her mother with a pile of crap in her hand "Look what I almost stepped in!"
4,047	I grow herbs in my bed. Bed thyme.
4,048	Am I crazy... ... or does it smell like boogers in here?
4,049	Why did Barbie never get pregnant? Because Ken came in a different box. Badum tiss.
4,050	I got kicked out of a store trying to buy condoms All I wanted was to use their fitting room!
4,051	I went to a show at the zoo, but the monkeys went wild and stated flinging poo at everybody... What a shit show
4,052	What did the ghost say to the bee? Boo bee!
4,053	The UK Government has decided to make LSD legal as a drug for weight loss It makes sense if you think about it. It's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it...
4,054	No matter how angry you get about something... ... you can't any angrier than a midget with a yo-yo.
4,055	Telling someone they can't be sad because others have it worse, is like telling someone they can't be happy because others have it better!
4,056	COW: I'm constipated DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol C: ur doing puns right now? DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
4,057	Donald Trump's presidential campaign emerges victorious! title
4,058	Me: You should be nicer to me. You'll never have another dad. 5-year-old: Don't be so sure. Mom is pretty.
4,059	What do vegan zombies eat? Graaaaains!
4,060	How many alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb? To get to the other side!
4,061	What does a gay man and a rhubarb have in common? It's not right to call them a fruit.
4,062	"WE WILL FIGHT TO THE DEATH! After you try this delicious glazed poultry I've prepared for you all." --General Tso
4,063	Did you hear about the new Die Hard where Willis Infiltrates a Corrupt Nunnery? "Bad Habits Die Hard."
4,064	Don't cry because it's over, smile because it was pizza.
4,065	What US state has the most cows? Moosouri!
4,066	I'm trying to get on your good side, but I haven't found it yet.
4,067	What happened when fire and the wheel were invented? People got lit and turnt.
4,068	What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest? A suicide vest will blow you.
4,069	'How to Win Friends & Influence People' is getting a sequel How to lose friends and alienate people.
4,070	I have a job crushing pop cans. It's soda pressing.
4,071	Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
4,072	What do prison and the Caps Lock button have in common? They both turn "o" into an "O".
4,073	Two cannibals are eating a math teacher. Another approaches, and asks.. "Hey, can I have sum?"
4,074	Why did both Germany and the U.S want to hire Apes during World War Two? Because they are excellent at waging Gorilla warfare!
4,075	The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
4,076	If a British person calls 911 and says, "It's a bloody mess" how does the operator know if there's blood or the person is just being British
4,077	What do you call a prematurely born Chinese baby? Sudden Lee
4,078	Two drums and a cymbal jump off a cliff... Ba dum tss.
4,079	The United Nations is like a black father You know it exists but it's just never there when you need it .
4,080	What do dissecting a frog and explaining a joke on Reddit have in common? Both are shitty novelties.
4,081	What's the tallest building in [insert your town/city here] The Library, it has the most stories......
4,082	The thing about statistics is, if you gather enough, you'll find a coincidence.
4,083	Remember when... ... the General Motors jobs were in Flint, and you couldn't drink the water in Mexico. And now...
4,084	I'm writing a movie script about a group of Kenyan refugees who are breaking track records in a suburban American high school... I call it, "Fast times at Ridgemont High"
4,085	Our topic today: Should we legalize monster trucks? We'll speak to monster truck expert Kevin, age 8. He believes they are "cool and big."
4,086	What do you call a Muslim woman without a burka? Dead.
4,087	I am 99% sure USA's Student's t is 2.576. Because America got an infinite degree of freedom.
4,088	Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won't try new foods.
4,089	This week is the 40th anniversary of the Rubik's Cube. If you kids don't know what a Rubik's Cube is, it's what people would stare at without human interaction before cellphones.
4,090	Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?
4,091	Why did the cz-75 get the girl pregnant? It took too long to pull out.
4,092	SATURDAY TIP: simply because mother has fallen asleep that's no reason to stop the footrub
4,093	"Want to hear a joke about potassium?" "Yes" "K"
4,094	Your momma's so fat... ...that when I asked her what her what her favorite time of the year was, she said, "dinner time."
4,095	What's the difference between a knife, and an argument with a female? A knife has a point...
4,096	pays $20 for deluxe car wash hits roughly 3,287,998 bugs during 2 mile drive home
4,097	I've got a friend who's a psychopath and he's got a brilliant sense of humour. He kills me!
4,098	I hit some kid riding a skateboard today, on the way to work. On a lighter note, I'm selling a lightly used skateboard.
4,099	How many hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb? I don't know, but my basement's still dark
4,100	"I'm hungry!" says your sister... "Hi Hungry, I'm Dad" your father replies Two hours later, your dad says, "I'm fucking hungry!"

4,001

I told my girlfriend that I wanted to be cremated... I then told my family that I had no specific burial requests, just make sure that they don't have me cremated, no matter what.

4,002

Ethics of the police

4,003

How many brits are needed to change a light bulb None they just terminate their apartment contract.

4,004

Conjecture: At some point in 2013, our neighbors will get so high that they accidentally sell their own weed. For weed money. To buy weed.

4,005

Diary June 28 1954 So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can't tell anybody this. June 30 1954 I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok

4,006

I have a new job. I'm a dressing room attendant for dancers at a strip club. $300/week. That's not much, but it's all I can afford.

4,007

What's the difference between a fish and a mountain goat? Fish muck about in fountains...

4,008

So what do Islam and Subway Sandwich Shop have in common? A: They both had a pedophile spokesman. http://www.citizenliberty.com/2015/11/so-what-do-islam-and-subway-common.html

4,009

Did you hear about that new species of mosquito? It's called the Nickelback, it really sucks.

4,010

What spends a good 3 hours a day in my hand? *hint* it starts with P and ends with S. Pens! :D ... wait what were YOU THINKING?!?!?!

4,011

It's so cold this morning I had to seperate my dogs poop into two seperate bags and use them as hand warmers.

4,012

What if Stephen Hawking is the real Slim Shady? But we'll never know, because he can't stand up?

4,013

if it's called morning wood for men then what is it for women.. Morning dew.

4,014

Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.

4,015

make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.

4,016

Duck you AutoCorrect! You Blimb! I'm way more BadApps than you make me out to be! You Ducking piece of shed..BuckFace Toothless Bastilleday!

4,017

What is a polygon? A dead parrot.

4,018

How do you reheat a cold war? You nuke it.

4,019

Why shouldn't you let your kids run more than a mile? Because at the second mile they get raped.

4,020

Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.

4,021

How did a sexy but unqualified Japanese woman get voted into public office? Erections

4,022

Whats the difference between a canoe and a jew? One tips the other doesn't.

4,023

What do you call a black guy in a museum? Antique farm equipment

4,024

What's the difference between a Snowman and a Snowwoman? **SnowBalls!**

4,025

After today the rest of the world will get "FOUR MORE YEARS!" without having to hear about the US election.

4,026

LPT: Never use hyperbole.

4,027

Lubricant?? ... Lubri-CAN!!!

4,028

Whenever I walk into a crowded men's room, I shout So this is where all the dicks hang out!

4,029

If you're American & I ever hear you use the word "whilst," this I swear: you will not live to see the 3rd season of Sherlock.

4,030

How can you tell if a groom is Polish? He would be the one with the clean bowling shirt.

4,031

Barber: Were you wearing a red scarf when you came in? Customer: No. Barber: Oh dear! Then I must have cut your throat.

4,032

Toucan: Albanians kidnap Liam Neesons bird

4,033

[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler? No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously]. Oh, good. [Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to

4,034

To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!

4,035

Who's your dad's cousin's cousin's daughter to you? A potential Tinder date.

4,036

did you hear about the psychic midget who escaped from prison? he is a small medium, at large

4,037

mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren't being eaten. So. I guess it's probably horrified-screaming my language.

4,038

I was screwing this African woman last night, she kept yelling the N word It was really hard to concentrate with her screaming no the entire time

4,039

What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? SNOWBALLS

4,040

my glass eye is freaking you out? sorry I didn't real eyes.

4,041

Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there's a wine sampling booth that day?

4,042

What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a Harley Davidson? The vacuum has the dirtbag on the inside.

4,043

How can you tell if someone is having a stroke? There is lotion and used tissues laying around

4,044

Hey you know how people say they hate math because it doesn't make sense? I think that is unfair because math loves them. The problem is that math shows its love by playing hard to get.

4,045

I was doing so well getting over my viagra addiction... But I couldn't keep it up.

4,046

A girl runs up to her mother with a pile of crap in her hand "Look what I almost stepped in!"

4,047

I grow herbs in my bed. Bed thyme.

4,048

Am I crazy... ... or does it smell like boogers in here?

4,049

Why did Barbie never get pregnant? Because Ken came in a different box. Badum tiss.

4,050

I got kicked out of a store trying to buy condoms All I wanted was to use their fitting room!

4,051

I went to a show at the zoo, but the monkeys went wild and stated flinging poo at everybody... What a shit show

4,052

What did the ghost say to the bee? Boo bee!

4,053

The UK Government has decided to make LSD legal as a drug for weight loss It makes sense if you think about it. It's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it...

4,054

No matter how angry you get about something... ... you can't any angrier than a midget with a yo-yo.

4,055

Telling someone they can't be sad because others have it worse, is like telling someone they can't be happy because others have it better!

4,056

COW: I'm constipated DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol C: ur doing puns right now? DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao

4,057

Donald Trump's presidential campaign emerges victorious! title

4,058

Me: You should be nicer to me. You'll never have another dad. 5-year-old: Don't be so sure. Mom is pretty.

4,059

What do vegan zombies eat? Graaaaains!

4,060

How many alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb? To get to the other side!

4,061

What does a gay man and a rhubarb have in common? It's not right to call them a fruit.

4,062

"WE WILL FIGHT TO THE DEATH! After you try this delicious glazed poultry I've prepared for you all." --General Tso

4,063

Did you hear about the new Die Hard where Willis Infiltrates a Corrupt Nunnery? "*Bad Habits Die Hard.*"

4,064

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it was pizza.

4,065

What US state has the most cows? Moosouri!

4,066

I'm trying to get on your good side, but I haven't found it yet.

4,067

What happened when fire and the wheel were invented? People got lit and turnt.

4,068

What's the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest? A suicide vest will blow you.

4,069

'How to Win Friends & Influence People' is getting a sequel How to lose friends and alienate people.

4,070

I have a job crushing pop cans. It's soda pressing.

4,071

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

4,072

What do prison and the Caps Lock button have in common? They both turn "o" into an "O".

4,073

Two cannibals are eating a math teacher. Another approaches, and asks.. "Hey, can I have sum?"

4,074

Why did both Germany and the U.S want to hire Apes during World War Two? Because they are excellent at waging Gorilla warfare!

4,075

The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.

4,076

If a British person calls 911 and says, "It's a bloody mess" how does the operator know if there's blood or the person is just being British

4,077

What do you call a prematurely born Chinese baby? Sudden Lee

4,078

Two drums and a cymbal jump off a cliff... Ba dum tss.

4,079

The United Nations is like a black father You know it exists but it's just never there when you need it .

4,080

What do dissecting a frog and explaining a joke on Reddit have in common? Both are shitty novelties.

4,081

What's the tallest building in [insert your town/city here] The Library, it has the most stories......

4,082

The thing about statistics is, if you gather enough, you'll find a coincidence.

4,083

Remember when... ... the General Motors jobs were in Flint, and you couldn't drink the water in Mexico. And now...

4,084

I'm writing a movie script about a group of Kenyan refugees who are breaking track records in a suburban American high school... I call it, "Fast times at Ridgemont High"

4,085

Our topic today: Should we legalize monster trucks? We'll speak to monster truck expert Kevin, age 8. He believes they are "cool and big."

4,086

What do you call a Muslim woman without a burka? Dead.

4,087

I am 99% sure USA's Student's t is 2.576. Because America got an infinite degree of freedom.

4,088

Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won't try new foods.

4,089

This week is the 40th anniversary of the Rubik's Cube. If you kids don't know what a Rubik's Cube is, it's what people would stare at without human interaction before cellphones.

4,090

Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?

4,091

Why did the cz-75 get the girl pregnant? It took too long to pull out.

4,092

SATURDAY TIP: simply because mother has fallen asleep that's no reason to stop the footrub

4,093

"Want to hear a joke about potassium?" "Yes" "K"

4,094

Your momma's so fat... ...that when I asked her what her what her favorite time of the year was, she said, "dinner time."

4,095

What's the difference between a knife, and an argument with a female? A knife has a point...

4,096

*pays $20 for deluxe car wash* *hits roughly 3,287,998 bugs during 2 mile drive home*

4,097

I've got a friend who's a psychopath and he's got a brilliant sense of humour. He kills me!

4,098

I hit some kid riding a skateboard today, on the way to work. On a lighter note, I'm selling a lightly used skateboard.

4,099

How many hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb? I don't know, but my basement's still dark

4,100

"I'm hungry!" says your sister... "Hi Hungry, I'm Dad" your father replies Two hours later, your dad says, "I'm fucking hungry!"