ysharma/short_jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

ID int64 1 232k	Joke stringlengths 10 200
3,801	Then: Me: I want McDonald's Mom: Do you have McDonald's money? Now: Mom: I want grandkids Me: Do you have grandkids money??
3,802	The worst thing a woman can ask a man is "Guess what today is."
3,803	I've been hearing a lot about mass murderers lately.... It must be a scary time to be catholic.
3,804	Why don't they have sex ed and drivers ed on the same day in the middle east? There are never enough camels to go around.
3,805	Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I'm getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
3,806	What is a tresspasser's least favorite number? The number 86. (No seriously. Google "86".)
3,807	"That goddamn janitor drew a dick on the chalkboard again!" (Bad Will Hunting.)
3,808	How do you determine the sex of a chromosome? Pull down its genes
3,809	Why doesnt ray charles see his friends ? Because he is married .
3,810	How is circumcision like the Great Jedi Purge? They both get rid of the force kin!
3,811	I tried bringing sexy back but the lady at Walmart assured me I didn't get it there.
3,812	Teacher : Can't you retain anything in your head overnight ? Pupil : Of course I've had this cold in my head for two days !
3,813	I've been cheating on you guys. Lately, I've been spending my time on my job and real life. They don't mean anything to me, I swear.
3,814	Out of? Mom (about her son): Look at these marks Jim has scored... 8.. 10... 7.. Dad: Out of? Mom: Out of pity!
3,815	Adam Sandler would have the most kills. His jokes are all dead
3,816	The second best "asm" is "sarc."
3,817	What do you call a cow that's just had a baby? De-calfinated!
3,818	Did you hear about the kidnapping at the elementary school? It's ok now, he woke up.
3,819	The blonde and the calculator Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and seven on a calculator? A: She couldn't find the 10 key.
3,820	Please end the Jew jokes. I had a relative that died in a concentration camp. Poor bastard fell right out of the guard tower.
3,821	Feeding your cat a vegan diet is actually pretty easy. The trick is to cut up the vegans in to very small chunks first.
3,822	What was the name of the knight who sat all the way around the Round Table? Sir Cumference.
3,823	[scale says I've gained 5 pounds] Me: It's probably just what I'm wearing. Wife: You're naked. Me: Wife: Me: It's a heavy deodorant.
3,824	My therapist told me cats are not babys, so i let my let my baby shit in his office.
3,825	[gf falls asleep during a movie] ME: aw [i get a blanket] ME: hitting her w/ the blanket wake up ur missing the part with gollum's riddles
3,826	"Why was the Amish girl excommunicated ? Too Mennonite." - Hitchens
3,827	What happened when the butcher backed up into his meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.
3,828	I'm in favour of same sex marriage That's mainly because I've been having the same sex with my wife for the past 20 years
3,829	Way into "Game of Thrones". Are there any shows that are games of other kinds of chairs?
3,830	A termite walks into a bar and asks "Where is the bar tender?"
3,831	Hey babies, I can do 12 push-ups. Impressed? Doap. Typo, meant babes. Impressed? No? Oh. Well then. Impressed babies?
3,832	Get the sand out your vagina. if you loose a player match and don't want your rematch bcuz your too pussy, why still try and talk shit xD.
3,833	Last night my friend Gavin overdosed on heart burn medicine...... I can't believe Gaviscon.
3,834	Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode. PATENT PENDING!!
3,835	What do you call someone incapable of eating people? A can't-ibal
3,836	Did you hear about the half-assed hitman? He assinated his targets.
3,837	Did you hear about the blonde who put "Sagittarius" at the bottom of application forms where it said "Sign Here".
3,838	Why are European cars the lightest? because there's no Americans sitting in them.
3,839	Women with large breasts are generally more successful than men with large breasts.
3,840	Wine doesn't have many vitamins. That's why you have to drink a lot of it.
3,841	I seriously thought the slang phrase 'This place is 'crackalackin!', actually meant 'This place is lacking white people'.
3,842	I have an intense fear of hiccups Luckily, I only ever have one.
3,843	Kanye's acceptance speech on the VMA's
3,844	Native Americans are all pissed that we took their land when they were here first... ..but we made reservations.
3,845	A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can't even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
3,846	So Jack helps you off the horse. Will you help Jack off the horse?
3,847	They say don't go to a grocery store when you're hungry But I ran out of food a week ago
3,848	Why did Anakin Skywalker cross the road? To get to the dark side...
3,849	What did Adam say the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
3,850	What did the hummingbird do to his girlfriend? He nectar!
3,851	What do you call a black pilot? You call him a pilot! you racist!
3,852	What do you call a cow with no sense of humor ? A feminist
3,853	For everyone who's looking, here's a handy list of all the reasons to vote for Donald Trump: There aren't any.
3,854	Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
3,855	implant permanent instagram filters on the cornea of my eyes so everything I see looks nostalgic and vintage
3,856	All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
3,857	Will you date me? breathe if yes, swim across the atlantic ocean while reciting the bible in japanese if no
3,858	What Do You Call a Girl Who Doesn't Do Kegels? A lazy cunt!
3,859	It may seem like I have my shit together, but honestly I just learned how to spell February correctly.
3,860	If you tickle a billionaire, will he trickle himself?
3,861	I had a masturbation addiction. I beat it.
3,862	Why do the people in front of me at the ATM always seems to be having some sort of damn major financial crisis?
3,863	Just found out my wife has cooties. I'm headed to the clinic to get tested. So many emotions right now"
3,864	I will let someone cut the line I'm waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
3,865	What do you call a white slave? Whipped cream.
3,866	What is moist, smells great, and is for dinner tonight? My poop
3,867	How much does a midget stripper with three kids get paid? Mini-mom wage.
3,868	My friend Stephen misheard me when I invited him to this CrossFit gym. He's going to have a hell of a time running in stilettos.
3,869	How do you get an 80 year-old woman to swear? How do you get an 80 year-old woman to yell "F*ck"? You get another 80 year-old woman next to her to yell "BINGO"
3,870	How do you get to the front page of reddit ? Lack of originality
3,871	What's Thom Yorke's reddit? /u/KarmaPuhlease
3,872	My father's kids won't get this... ...love.
3,873	A guy walks into a bar with a gun and shouts "Which one of you fuckers is reposting jokes on r/jokes?" A voice from the back called out "I don't think you have enough bullets m8."
3,874	my career as a Walmart greeter was cut short when the manager noticed me singing "Welcome to the Jungle" to every customer
3,875	My wife walked in on me last night and shouted, "What the hell are you doing with that ivory and gold dress?" I said, "It's not what it looks like!"
3,876	The Reds are going to The Series this year.
3,877	"It goes from zero to sixty in 5 seconds." "Great. And exactly how much cocaine can I fit in the glove box?" - Anyone buying a white BMW
3,878	Why did the cardiologist bake a cake with partially hydrogenated oil? Because he took the hypocritic oath
3,879	Why did the bubblegum cross the road? It was stuck to the chicken's legs.
3,880	Whats Donald Trumps favorite album? The Wall
3,881	Pappu:- Should i punished for the work which I have not done?? Teacher: - No of course not, but why do you ask? Pappu: - Because, I have not done my home work.... :) :)
3,882	What did grandma say to grandpa while in bed? Keep it up!
3,883	What do you call an ugly dinosaur? An Isaurus Rex
3,884	Q: What do birds give out on Halloween? A: Tweets.
3,885	What do you call a rooster with erectile dysfunction? Boneless chicken.
3,886	Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
3,887	My father once told me, "Son, you're not an African't American, You're an African American't." Just kidding. I'm black. I don't have a father.
3,888	9 guys walk into a gay bar... They don't come out.
3,889	A Priest, a rapist and a pedophile walk into a bar... he orders a drink.
3,890	I now have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
3,891	Siri, answer all of my toddler's stupid questions.
3,892	A guy got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his dick... Now he can play with his money, watch it grow, and you can't find a girl who can't blow a hundred dollars.
3,893	This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and...oh...nope, never mind I'm being robbed. Guys I'm being rob
3,894	[Job interview] "What would you say is your greatest strength?" "Sticking my fingers in people's mouths." "Arhghv-um-hirv-ok-hrbsj-hired"
3,895	Apparently the unbuttoning of a shirt and letting your hair down for a cop only works for women.
3,896	Men with itchy butts Have smelly fingers
3,897	What do American beer and sex on a boat have in common? Both are fucking close to water.
3,898	On November 9th... Me: "I guess President Hillary Clinton is with VP Tim Kaine now. And both feeling pretty high. You could say she's ....co-Kaine! Hahah!" Wife: "Trump won." Me: "Shit..."
3,899	what did Obama say to Trump? show me your schlong form birth certificate
3,900	I think there's a better word for underwear... ... Butt hat's none of my business.

3,801

Then: Me: I want McDonald's Mom: Do you have McDonald's money? Now: Mom: I want grandkids Me: Do you have grandkids money??

3,802

The worst thing a woman can ask a man is "Guess what today is."

3,803

I've been hearing a lot about mass murderers lately.... It must be a scary time to be catholic.

3,804

Why don't they have sex ed and drivers ed on the same day in the middle east? There are never enough camels to go around.

3,805

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I'm getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

3,806

What is a tresspasser's least favorite number? The number 86. (No seriously. Google "86".)

3,807

"That goddamn janitor drew a dick on the chalkboard again!" (Bad Will Hunting.)

3,808

How do you determine the sex of a chromosome? Pull down its genes

3,809

Why doesnt ray charles see his friends ? Because he is married .

3,810

How is circumcision like the Great Jedi Purge? They both get rid of the force kin!

3,811

I tried bringing sexy back but the lady at Walmart assured me I didn't get it there.

3,812

Teacher : Can't you retain anything in your head overnight ? Pupil : Of course I've had this cold in my head for two days !

3,813

I've been cheating on you guys. Lately, I've been spending my time on my job and real life. They don't mean anything to me, I swear.

3,814

Out of? Mom (about her son): Look at these marks Jim has scored... 8.. 10... 7.. Dad: Out of? Mom: Out of pity!

3,815

Adam Sandler would have the most kills. His jokes are all dead

3,816

The second best "asm" is "sarc."

3,817

What do you call a cow that's just had a baby? De-calfinated!

3,818

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the elementary school? It's ok now, he woke up.

3,819

The blonde and the calculator Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 and seven on a calculator? A: She couldn't find the 10 key.

3,820

Please end the Jew jokes. I had a relative that died in a concentration camp. Poor bastard fell right out of the guard tower.

3,821

Feeding your cat a vegan diet is actually pretty easy. The trick is to cut up the vegans in to very small chunks first.

3,822

What was the name of the knight who sat all the way around the Round Table? Sir Cumference.

3,823

[scale says I've gained 5 pounds] Me: It's probably just what I'm wearing. Wife: You're naked. Me: Wife: Me: It's a heavy deodorant.

3,824

My therapist told me cats are not babys, so i let my let my baby shit in his office.

3,825

[gf falls asleep during a movie] ME: aw [i get a blanket] ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum's riddles

3,826

"Why was the Amish girl excommunicated ? Too Mennonite." - Hitchens

3,827

What happened when the butcher backed up into his meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.

3,828

I'm in favour of same sex marriage That's mainly because I've been having the same sex with my wife for the past 20 years

3,829

Way into "Game of Thrones". Are there any shows that are games of other kinds of chairs?

3,830

A termite walks into a bar and asks "Where is the bar tender?"

3,831

Hey babies, I can do 12 push-ups. Impressed? Doap. Typo, meant babes. Impressed? No? Oh. Well then. Impressed babies?

3,832

Get the sand out your vagina. if you loose a player match and don't want your rematch bcuz your too pussy, why still try and talk shit xD.

3,833

Last night my friend Gavin overdosed on heart burn medicine...... I can't believe Gaviscon.

3,834

Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode. PATENT PENDING!!

3,835

What do you call someone incapable of eating people? A can't-ibal

3,836

Did you hear about the half-assed hitman? He assinated his targets.

3,837

Did you hear about the blonde who put "Sagittarius" at the bottom of application forms where it said "Sign Here".

3,838

Why are European cars the lightest? because there's no Americans sitting in them.

3,839

Women with large breasts are generally more successful than men with large breasts.

3,840

Wine doesn't have many vitamins. That's why you have to drink a lot of it.

3,841

I seriously thought the slang phrase 'This place is 'crackalackin!', actually meant 'This place is lacking white people'.

3,842

I have an intense fear of hiccups Luckily, I only ever have one.

3,843

Kanye's acceptance speech on the VMA's

3,844

Native Americans are all pissed that we took their land when they were here first... ..but we made reservations.

3,845

A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can't even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.

3,846

So Jack helps you off the horse. Will you help Jack off the horse?

3,847

They say don't go to a grocery store when you're hungry But I ran out of food a week ago

3,848

Why did Anakin Skywalker cross the road? To get to the dark side...

3,849

What did Adam say the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!

3,850

What did the hummingbird do to his girlfriend? He nectar!

3,851

What do you call a black pilot? You call him a pilot! you racist!

3,852

What do you call a cow with no sense of humor ? A feminist

3,853

For everyone who's looking, here's a handy list of all the reasons to vote for Donald Trump: There aren't any.

3,854

Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.

3,855

implant permanent instagram filters on the cornea of my eyes so everything I see looks nostalgic and vintage

3,856

All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.

3,857

Will you date me? breathe if yes, swim across the atlantic ocean while reciting the bible in japanese if no

3,858

What Do You Call a Girl Who Doesn't Do Kegels? A lazy cunt!

3,859

It may seem like I have my shit together, but honestly I just learned how to spell February correctly.

3,860

If you tickle a billionaire, will he trickle himself?

3,861

I had a masturbation addiction. I beat it.

3,862

Why do the people in front of me at the ATM always seems to be having some sort of damn major financial crisis?

3,863

Just found out my wife has cooties. I'm headed to the clinic to get tested. So many emotions right now"

3,864

I will let someone cut the line I'm waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.

3,865

What do you call a white slave? Whipped cream.

3,866

What is moist, smells great, and is for dinner tonight? My poop

3,867

How much does a midget stripper with three kids get paid? Mini-mom wage.

3,868

My friend Stephen misheard me when I invited him to this CrossFit gym. He's going to have a hell of a time running in stilettos.

3,869

How do you get an 80 year-old woman to swear? How do you get an 80 year-old woman to yell "F*ck"? You get another 80 year-old woman next to her to yell "BINGO"

3,870

How do you get to the front page of reddit ? Lack of originality

3,871

What's Thom Yorke's reddit? /u/KarmaPuhlease

3,872

My father's kids won't get this... ...love.

3,873

A guy walks into a bar with a gun and shouts "Which one of you fuckers is reposting jokes on r/jokes?" A voice from the back called out "I don't think you have enough bullets m8."

3,874

my career as a Walmart greeter was cut short when the manager noticed me singing "Welcome to the Jungle" to every customer

3,875

My wife walked in on me last night and shouted, "What the hell are you doing with that ivory and gold dress?" I said, "It's not what it looks like!"

3,876

The Reds are going to The Series this year.

3,877

"It goes from zero to sixty in 5 seconds." "Great. And exactly how much cocaine can I fit in the glove box?" - Anyone buying a white BMW

3,878

Why did the cardiologist bake a cake with partially hydrogenated oil? Because he took the hypocritic oath

3,879

Why did the bubblegum cross the road? It was stuck to the chicken's legs.

3,880

Whats Donald Trumps favorite album? The Wall

3,881

Pappu:- Should i punished for the work which I have not done?? Teacher: - No of course not, but why do you ask? Pappu: - Because, I have not done my home work.... :) :)

3,882

What did grandma say to grandpa while in bed? Keep it up!

3,883

What do you call an ugly dinosaur? An Isaurus Rex

3,884

Q: What do birds give out on Halloween? A: Tweets.

3,885

What do you call a rooster with erectile dysfunction? Boneless chicken.

3,886

Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.

3,887

My father once told me, "Son, you're not an African't American, You're an African American't." Just kidding. I'm black. I don't have a father.

3,888

9 guys walk into a gay bar... They don't come out.

3,889

A Priest, a rapist and a pedophile walk into a bar... he orders a drink.

3,890

I now have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

3,891

Siri, answer all of my toddler's stupid questions.

3,892

A guy got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his dick... Now he can play with his money, watch it grow, and you can't find a girl who can't blow a hundred dollars.

3,893

This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and...oh...nope, never mind I'm being robbed. Guys I'm being rob

3,894

[Job interview] "What would you say is your greatest strength?" "Sticking my fingers in people's mouths." "Arhghv-um-hirv-ok-hrbsj-hired"

3,895

Apparently the unbuttoning of a shirt and letting your hair down for a cop only works for women.

3,896

Men with itchy butts Have smelly fingers

3,897

What do American beer and sex on a boat have in common? Both are fucking close to water.

3,898

On November 9th... Me: "I guess President Hillary Clinton is with VP Tim Kaine now. And both feeling pretty high. You could say she's ....co-Kaine! Hahah!" Wife: "Trump won." Me: "Shit..."

3,899

what did Obama say to Trump? show me your schlong form birth certificate

3,900

I think there's a better word for underwear... ... Butt hat's none of my business.