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3,901 | What's yellow and can't swim A bus full of children |
3,902 | Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don't fall out of a helicopter |
3,903 | What do you call lying furniture? Untrustable |
3,904 | What's the difference between an apple and a baby? I don't cum on an apple before i eat it. |
3,905 | You guys, my mom wants to know if any of you are going to give her grandchildren. |
3,906 | Welcome to kleptomaniac club. I see you already took a brochure. |
3,907 | What's Hitler's favorite videogame? Mein Kraft. |
3,908 | "You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD." - 3rd degree burn |
3,909 | Black people, want to piss white people off? Open a restaurant. And don't serve coffee or brunch. |
3,910 | Make love not war... Or do both - get married. |
3,911 | What's another name for a boxy plow pulling baby maker? A Mexican. Make America great again! Vote the Donald! |
3,912 | Damn girl, are you my cable remote? Because you are weirdly designed and very confusing, and does this row of buttons even do anything? |
3,913 | How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four. One to screw in the light bulb and three to talk about how Neil Peart could've done it better. |
3,914 | What do you call a fat, smelly hermaphodite who gives blow jobs under the bridge for a nickel? Well, YOU call her mom. |
3,915 | As you take another breath, someone takes their last. Stop complaining; appreciate life. |
3,916 | Why type of nut do Wallflowers like? Walnuts |
3,917 | "I'm old." -everyone over the age of 18 |
3,918 | A man walks into a bar. Ouch. |
3,919 | When people ask how I got the latest movies on my computer.. I respond by telling them my lovely bay with hella booty gives them to me.arggg |
3,920 | How does procrastination start? I'll tell you tomorrow. |
3,921 | It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it. |
3,922 | My "Pi" tattoo is taking longer than I thought |
3,923 | Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta |
3,924 | Why do porn scenes use condoms during intercourse, but not during the blowjob and climax? So they can see it coming |
3,925 | "Omelet you finish," -Kanyegg West |
3,926 | So a guy calls into work and says, "I can't come in today, I'm seeing spots." "Have you seen a doctor?" "No, just the spots." |
3,927 | How does a paralympian call home, after winning a medal? handsfree |
3,928 | When grammar nazis correct me, I start to make errors on purpose to mess with them. You can say I'm passive, aggressive. |
3,929 | Why are sharts always a surprise? Because you can never see that shit coming. |
3,930 | therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but- me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn't have married this snake aren't u |
3,931 | I guess hookers are getting into the holiday spirit. I seen one today advertising pumpkin spice pussy. |
3,932 | If H2O is inside a fire hydrant, what is outside? K9P. |
3,933 | How does the executioner like his coffee? Decap |
3,934 | What do you say when you see two fetuses making out? "Oh get a womb" |
3,935 | What does Pittsburgh have in common with Peter Pan? The Pirates always lose. |
3,936 | What do you call the man who proofread Hitler's speeches? The original grammar Nazi. |
3,937 | ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner's ready! 6YR OLD: what are we having? ME: you'll like it! trust me! 6: I ain't falling for that shit again |
3,938 | My cell phone is so nervous whenever I go to the countryside... ...it's constantly on EDGE. |
3,939 | My wife asked why I keep my guns in the library. I said it's for shelf-defense. |
3,940 | ignorance or apathy? I dont know and I dont care |
3,941 | A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said "you're like 23, right? I bought her ice cream. |
3,942 | I once dated someone with really smelly feet, the smell used to bring tears to my eyes... It was like someone was chopping bunions. |
3,943 | I was watching the Cosmos, when Neil Degrasse Tyson related our genes are similar to ones in trees That means that all men have got wood in dem jeans. |
3,944 | [breakfast in hell] STALIN: Toast is burnt POL POT: Eggs are rotten HITLER: I hate the juice STALIN: Oh here we go HITLER: I said JUICE |
3,945 | Use 'discount' in a sentence. Teacher: Johnny, please use "discount" in a sentence. Johnny: Yes ma'am, "Does discount as a sentence?" |
3,946 | How many times can look at the sun with a telescope? You can do this twice. One time with you right eye and one with your left! |
3,947 | I never understood why vets... aren't called dogtors. |
3,948 | Fewer US schools are selling candy, soda and chips to students After all, that stuff is horrible for pregnancies! |
3,949 | My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker... ...Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. |
3,950 | Also, to all the people with egg avatars... have you thought about where you'll hide on Easter yet? |
3,951 | I just finished a whole stick chap stick without losing it or replacing it. In case any of you women want to know how faithful I am. |
3,952 | What's got four legs and one arm? A Rottweiler. |
3,953 | I dream of a world where even lactose is tolerated by everyone. |
3,954 | Do I know you? Cause you look a lot like my next girlfriend. |
3,955 | I don't think Muslims go far enough in killing people who draw images of the prophet Mohammed. I think they should kill people who are named after him as well. |
3,956 | what is kurt cobain's eye color Blue. One blue to left, one blue to the right. |
3,957 | A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him. |
3,958 | How Do You Get an Elephant Out of the Fairway? You take the F out of Fair and the F out of Way |
3,959 | My mom keeps asking questions like 'When you gonna be famous?' I tell her, 'As soon as they find the bodies.' |
3,960 | I told my doctor i was scared and nervous when i got tested for HIV... He said 'Just calm down and try to think positive.' |
3,961 | Two fish are in a tank one turns to the other and says "do you know how to drive this thing?" |
3,962 | [dentist's full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?] so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain |
3,963 | What's the difference between a lead guitarist and a terrorist? You can actually negotiate with a terrorist. |
3,964 | What did one fish say to another fish after Eve had her first bath? Great, now we smell like woman. |
3,965 | What did the judge do to the lawyer who insulted him? He got him diss barred. |
3,966 | I usually prefer buffets to a la carte restaurants. Someone once asked me if I enjoyed Italian restaurants, and I said, I prefer Italiacan restaurants. |
3,967 | Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. |
3,968 | what is the hardest part about having a daughter in your early 20's? Fighting all of those physically fit teenagers when you're in your late 30's. |
3,969 | Cat got your tongue? Frog in your throat? Monkey on your back? Butterflies in your stomach? You may be dead in a field. |
3,970 | Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour. |
3,971 | The nice thing about getting a pet lobster is that you can always threaten to eat it when your kid stops taking care of it. |
3,972 | If someone dies from laced cocaine, does the coroner write "devastating blow" on the death certificate? |
3,973 | eer booze and fun!' 'Remember an alcoholic & a drunk are not the same thing at all. The alcoholic has to attend meetings. |
3,974 | what did the cannibal get when he showed up late to a dinner party A cold shoulder |
3,975 | Why Cant Girls Count To 70? .....Because 69 is a mouthful |
3,976 | (NSWF) Whats funner than a dead baby A dead baby wearing a clown outfit |
3,977 | *pretty girl walks by and doesn't make eye contact* She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1 |
3,978 | What do I have that FC Barcelona doesn't? A semi |
3,979 | Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is. Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa. Morpheus: It's also a powerful laxative. |
3,980 | If God wanted me to mow my own lawn, He wouldn't have given me the ability to earn a postgraduate degree. |
3,981 | Have you ever eaten a salad, then had a chickpea on your face? |
3,982 | [drive thru] GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you ME: yeah are you guys open |
3,983 | The reason I love mushrooms Cause just like mushrooms... I'm a fun guy. |
3,984 | To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email* |
3,985 | If you haven't logged onto Facebook for awhile, Judy Ann Ross from 10th grade algebra is enjoying a chicken salad sandwich right now. |
3,986 | The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes. |
3,987 | Nobody Likes This. I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it. And it will say Nobody Likes This. |
3,988 | I bought a 5 gallon drum of correction fluid the other day. Big mistake. |
3,989 | How many Biebers does it take to change a light bulb? None. There are no light bulbs in the closet. Another one: Why is Justin Bieber so pale? Because there's no light inside the closet |
3,990 | You've got to hand it to blind prostitutes. |
3,991 | "Guess my nationality" the old man said Deducing from the man's accent that he was Briish, the other man said so. "You're correct, but where's the t?" asked the man. "In the harbor" |
3,992 | It's bad enough when the little voices in my head talk to me. But now they are texting. |
3,993 | What is the most popular cheese in "the Upside Down"? Demogorgonzola |
3,994 | What do dyslexic zombies eat? Brians. |
3,995 | How can you tell if a black guy is well hung? You can't fit your finger between the noose and his neck. |
3,996 | Valar morghulis the feminist extremists' motto. |
3,997 | TIL ~10,000 people quit smoking every year By dying. I'll ^show ^^myself ^^^out |
3,998 | Why are stock traders so good at sex? Same principal, you gotta pull out at the right moment or it costs you. |
3,999 | What do you call a party of communists that haven't seen each other in years? Soviet Reunion Terrible and painful, I know. |
4,000 | What's the difference between acne and a priest? Acne waits until you're 13 before it comes on your face. |
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