ysharma/short_jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

ID int64 1 232k	Joke stringlengths 10 200
3,701	China has blocked Twitter. Now 1.3 billion people will have no idea what I'm having for lunch.
3,702	I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I'm impecunious.
3,703	I ran my car into a pole The poor bastard never saw me coming
3,704	Whats the hardest part about watching Amy Schumer swim through a pool of dead babies? Knowing she will make a shitty vagina joke about it.
3,705	What do you call a lawyer up to his neck in cement? Not enough cement EDIT: Okay thanks for pointing out that I messed up the wording but the joke is supposed to be the funny part
3,706	I lost my kidneys when I turned 18 My knees are 100% adult now!
3,707	How are ISIS like Little Miss Muffet? Because they've got Kurds in their way.
3,708	I've never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
3,709	Spoiler Alert I just watched Fast and Furious the other day, and I just couldn't get into it because there were too many spoilers.
3,710	Women are like condoms They spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
3,711	Dammit Dad Dad: "Whaddya got there, son?" Son: "Soy milk." Dad: -pauses- "Hola milk, soy tu padre."
3,712	Why did AT&T have the worst wedding? No reception.
3,713	What do you call it when a doctor gives up halfway through an abortion? A portion.
3,714	How did my operation go Doc? Dr ; What? Dr ; Omg I've only got half a colon?
3,715	What do you get when you have sex with an STD infested mentally challenged person? The slow clap
3,716	Christopher Walken does one of the top seven Christopher Walken impressions I've ever heard.
3,717	Had a trip to the Docs I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said "Can u describe the symptoms?" I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"
3,718	Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
3,719	Why did Sean Connery say he quit his mall Santa job? I got tired of all the kids asking to shit on my lap.
3,720	You make cool foam designs on top of your coffee? Well latte-da.
3,721	Sarah Jessica Parker's kid cannot start kindergarten today with all the other children due to a medical condition, he's a little hoarse.
3,722	Why did the Mexican take Xanax? To stop hispanic attacks
3,723	What do you call the pirate with the second largest penis? Long John Silver First of my original jokes to actually make my girlfriend chuckle.
3,724	Woman next to me at coffee shop just asked a guy who's farther away to watch her computer for a sec. Devastated.
3,725	Just a typical interview "What's your greatest weakness?" "Honesty." "I don't really think that's a weakness." "I don't give a fuck what you think."
3,726	They say you are what you eat... That's why I'm a good person
3,727	I went to the zoo the other day, there was a dog there. It was a shitzu
3,728	How to serve someone a summons to court 1) Knock on their door 2) Holding a really big check for $1,000,000 3) With a "camera crew" 4) Verify person's name 5) JK you've been served.
3,729	"I'm here for the hookers and the booze!!!" "Sir, this is a library." *whispers... "I'm here for the hookers and the booze."
3,730	Have you ever eat a clock? Its very time consuming.
3,731	Just asking for a friend, if one of your testicles drooped more than the other would you see a doctor?
3,732	What is more funny than a penguin sliding down a hill? The penguin who pushed him!
3,733	Wait a second, so violence is an actual resort? That place sounds wonderful.
3,734	Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.
3,735	What did the magician's girlfriend say to the magician? I can't see you anymore.
3,736	Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work Cop2: Not a bit Cop1: Ok cover me, I'm going in Cop2: HI GOING IN I'M DAD [both get shot]
3,737	Did you know that your local graveyard doesn't allow anyone who lives where you are to be buried there.... ....As they need to be dead first
3,738	"Wanna go camping?" "No thanks, I have a house."
3,739	Why is a hemiola unfair? Because it's three against two.
3,740	Donald Trump, candidate for President, reaffirmed for America that we shouldn't worry about the size of his genitals. Now that's classy... With a capital KKK.
3,741	I bet kangaroos get tired of holding all of their friend's keys and cell phones while they're at the beach.
3,742	Hi! This is my first time in a Fitness Center. How do I start? Personal Trainer: By putting down that Pizza slice!
3,743	So I was at the bar last night.. and the waitress screamed..."Anyone know CPR?!" I said, "Hell, I know the entire alphabet!" Everyone laughed...except this one guy.
3,744	I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
3,745	I dont think anyone flushed the toilet because i dont need to hear all of your shit
3,746	Britain will be just fine... you always lose a few Pounds after a breakup.
3,747	Why did the man quit his job at the helium gas factory? He didn't like being spoken to in that voice
3,748	yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth closes mouth looks around to see if anyone noticed swallows bird acts like nothing happened
3,749	Why is Nixon a bad chef? Because he is not a cook.
3,750	When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people......
3,751	My special power is reading about a disease and developing all the related symptoms within an hour.
3,752	I think my children are spoiled I must have left them unrefrigerated for too long before eating them.
3,753	How many dead whores does it take to change a light bulb? More than three, I still can't reach it.
3,754	I can't look my former prostitute partner in the face since someone e-mailed me pics of her in the old days. Never look giffed whores in the mouth.
3,755	How do you save a drowning mouse ? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation !
3,756	ME: I'll have the chicken dinner. WAITER: Yes, sir. throws corn on the floor Here, chick chick chick. ME: pecks at the ground Excellent.
3,757	The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
3,758	What's worse than nine eleven? 311
3,759	Hey you with the Uggs, Michael Kors bag, iPhone, scarf and super excited voice.. 70 million white women turn around
3,760	Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman's hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
3,761	Why did Microsoft go straight to Windows 10? Because 7 8 9
3,762	I don't want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
3,763	[OC] Did you hear the one about the douchebag bodybuilder with the anal fissure? He's one ripped asshole.
3,764	What did the Gay techie say? I do queries.
3,765	Say no to shampoo. Demand real poo.
3,766	God: What's that? Noah: The aquarium God: For what? Noah: The fish God: Fish can survive floods Noah: kicks llama YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
3,767	What did the magician say when he made his rabbit disappear? Hare today gone tomorrow.
3,768	They've finally renamed my gym "Skinny Guys with Giant Headphones Loudly Dropping Small Weights."
3,769	"My anger began to flow through me like hot mountain sweat.." Um, don't you mean "Lava"? "...like warm hill pee"
3,770	My favorite Kardashian is the one who dies first.
3,771	What comes before OP? QWERTYUI
3,772	I got a joke... your life
3,773	I just purchased duct tape at the Dollar Store to fix all of the other shit I bought at the Dollar Store. Life is going exactly as planned.
3,774	Accidentally made my Christian Mingle username 'Voldemort69' again
3,775	What do women and tornadoes have in common? They scream when they come and take the house when they leave.
3,776	Thought I saw a fat guy doing a killer air harmonica but it turns out he was just sneezing over and over.
3,777	Yo mama head so small that she got her ear pierced and died.
3,778	A British wizard walks into a gay bar... ...and disappears with a poof
3,779	What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler? Michael Phelps can finish a race.
3,780	Pretty sure I know what my wife's getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
3,781	The Captain and Tennille are divorcing. Tennille left him after learning he was only a Petty Officer, Third Class.
3,782	4 is currently using scissors to whittle down a pencil. This will be a valuable skill if she ever goes to prison and needs to make a shank.
3,783	Did you hear the one about the Viking who was reincarnated? He was Bjorn again.
3,784	What is Green...and Smells Like Pork? Kermit the Frog's Finger!!
3,785	God grant me the serenity to accept the things Facebook changes, the courage to change the settings I can, and the wisdom to know it won't make a difference.
3,786	On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
3,787	I wonder who ate the first egg. Like who said, "I'm a eat the white ball that chicken just shit out."
3,788	Jokes from a college student. How to use green, yellow, and pink in a sentence? The phone goes green, green, green, I pink it up, and say yellow.
3,789	Why did the Greeks want Helen back so bad? Are you kidding? She was the most beautiful woman in the world! Can you imagine what her sons would of looked like?
3,790	Pirates used to wear eye patches because they had hooks for hands
3,791	I've written a book called, 'How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money'. It's available in all good bookshops priced 149.99.
3,792	What do you call a computer that can sing really well? A Dell.
3,793	What does JCPenny and teenagers have in common? Pants 50% off
3,794	Do you ever get that creepy deja vu feeling? [credit](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/2tc8bn/how_do_you_subtly_fuck_with_people/cny3ig0)
3,795	Do you know how to disappoint a fellow redditor? [deleted]
3,796	Some kid was being annoying so I hit him on the face with a baseball bat. He started crying and I didn't even bat an eye.
3,797	What's the favorite subject of young witches at school? Spelling.
3,798	Why type of lightning likes to play sports? -Ball lightning
3,799	Ok everyone enough of your "family" time, come back to the internet. We are your real family.
3,800	If green gummy bears are strawberry flavored, what is the flavor of yellow gummy bears? PHLEGMon

3,701

China has blocked Twitter. Now 1.3 billion people will have no idea what I'm having for lunch.

3,702

I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I'm impecunious.

3,703

I ran my car into a pole The poor bastard never saw me coming

3,704

Whats the hardest part about watching Amy Schumer swim through a pool of dead babies? Knowing she will make a shitty vagina joke about it.

3,705

What do you call a lawyer up to his neck in cement? Not enough cement EDIT: Okay thanks for pointing out that I messed up the wording but the joke is supposed to be the funny part

3,706

I lost my kidneys when I turned 18 My knees are 100% adult now!

3,707

How are ISIS like Little Miss Muffet? Because they've got Kurds in their way.

3,708

I've never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

3,709

Spoiler Alert I just watched Fast and Furious the other day, and I just couldn't get into it because there were too many spoilers.

3,710

Women are like condoms They spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

3,711

Dammit Dad Dad: "Whaddya got there, son?" Son: "Soy milk." Dad: -pauses- "Hola milk, soy tu padre."

3,712

Why did AT&T have the worst wedding? No reception.

3,713

What do you call it when a doctor gives up halfway through an abortion? A portion.

3,714

How did my operation go Doc? Dr ; What? Dr ; Omg I've only got half a colon?

3,715

What do you get when you have sex with an STD infested mentally challenged person? The slow clap

3,716

Christopher Walken does one of the top seven Christopher Walken impressions I've ever heard.

3,717

Had a trip to the Docs I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said "Can u describe the symptoms?" I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"

3,718

Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU

3,719

Why did Sean Connery say he quit his mall Santa job? I got tired of all the kids asking to shit on my lap.

3,720

You make cool foam designs on top of your coffee? Well latte-da.

3,721

Sarah Jessica Parker's kid cannot start kindergarten today with all the other children due to a medical condition, he's a little hoarse.

3,722

Why did the Mexican take Xanax? To stop hispanic attacks

3,723

What do you call the pirate with the second largest penis? Long John Silver First of my original jokes to actually make my girlfriend chuckle.

3,724

Woman next to me at coffee shop just asked a guy who's farther away to watch her computer for a sec. Devastated.

3,725

Just a typical interview "What's your greatest weakness?" "Honesty." "I don't really think that's a weakness." "I don't give a fuck what you think."

3,726

They say you are what you eat... That's why I'm a good person

3,727

I went to the zoo the other day, there was a dog there. It was a shitzu

3,728

How to serve someone a summons to court 1) Knock on their door 2) Holding a really big check for $1,000,000 3) With a "camera crew" 4) Verify person's name 5) JK you've been served.

3,729

"I'm here for the hookers and the booze!!!" "Sir, this is a library." *whispers... "I'm here for the hookers and the booze."

3,730

Have you ever eat a clock? Its very time consuming.

3,731

Just asking for a friend, if one of your testicles drooped more than the other would you see a doctor?

3,732

What is more funny than a penguin sliding down a hill? The penguin who pushed him!

3,733

Wait a second, so violence is an actual resort? That place sounds wonderful.

3,734

Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.

3,735

What did the magician's girlfriend say to the magician? I can't see you anymore.

3,736

Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work Cop2: Not a bit Cop1: Ok cover me, I'm going in Cop2: HI GOING IN I'M DAD [both get shot]

3,737

Did you know that your local graveyard doesn't allow anyone who lives where you are to be buried there.... ....As they need to be dead first

3,738

"Wanna go camping?" "No thanks, I have a house."

3,739

Why is a hemiola unfair? Because it's three against two.

3,740

Donald Trump, candidate for President, reaffirmed for America that we shouldn't worry about the size of his genitals. Now that's classy... With a capital KKK.

3,741

I bet kangaroos get tired of holding all of their friend's keys and cell phones while they're at the beach.

3,742

Hi! This is my first time in a Fitness Center. How do I start? Personal Trainer: By putting down that Pizza slice!

3,743

So I was at the bar last night.. and the waitress screamed..."Anyone know CPR?!" I said, "Hell, I know the entire alphabet!" Everyone laughed...except this *one* guy.

3,744

I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.

3,745

I dont think anyone flushed the toilet because i dont need to hear all of your shit

3,746

Britain will be just fine... you always lose a few Pounds after a breakup.

3,747

Why did the man quit his job at the helium gas factory? He didn't like being spoken to in that voice

3,748

*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth* *closes mouth* *looks around to see if anyone noticed* *swallows bird* *acts like nothing happened*

3,749

Why is Nixon a bad chef? Because he is not a cook.

3,750

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people......

3,751

My special power is reading about a disease and developing all the related symptoms within an hour.

3,752

I think my children are spoiled I must have left them unrefrigerated for too long before eating them.

3,753

How many dead whores does it take to change a light bulb? More than three, I still can't reach it.

3,754

I can't look my former prostitute partner in the face since someone e-mailed me pics of her in the old days. Never look giffed whores in the mouth.

3,755

How do you save a drowning mouse ? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation !

3,756

ME: I'll have the chicken dinner. WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick. ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.

3,757

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

3,758

What's worse than nine eleven? 311

3,759

Hey you with the Uggs, Michael Kors bag, iPhone, scarf and super excited voice.. *70 million white women turn around*

3,760

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman's hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

3,761

Why did Microsoft go straight to Windows 10? Because 7 8 9

3,762

I don't want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.

3,763

[OC] Did you hear the one about the douchebag bodybuilder with the anal fissure? He's one ripped asshole.

3,764

What did the Gay techie say? I do queries.

3,765

Say no to shampoo. Demand real poo.

3,766

God: What's that? Noah: The aquarium God: For what? Noah: The fish God: Fish can survive floods Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL

3,767

What did the magician say when he made his rabbit disappear? Hare today gone tomorrow.

3,768

They've finally renamed my gym "Skinny Guys with Giant Headphones Loudly Dropping Small Weights."

3,769

"My anger began to flow through me like hot mountain sweat.." Um, don't you mean "Lava"? "...like warm hill pee"

3,770

My favorite Kardashian is the one who dies first.

3,771

What comes before OP? QWERTYUI

3,772

I got a joke... your life

3,773

I just purchased duct tape at the Dollar Store to fix all of the other shit I bought at the Dollar Store. Life is going exactly as planned.

3,774

Accidentally made my Christian Mingle username 'Voldemort69' again

3,775

What do women and tornadoes have in common? They scream when they come and take the house when they leave.

3,776

Thought I saw a fat guy doing a killer air harmonica but it turns out he was just sneezing over and over.

3,777

Yo mama head so small that she got her ear pierced and died.

3,778

A British wizard walks into a gay bar... ...and disappears with a poof

3,779

What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler? Michael Phelps can finish a race.

3,780

Pretty sure I know what my wife's getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.

3,781

The Captain and Tennille are divorcing. Tennille left him after learning he was only a Petty Officer, Third Class.

3,782

4 is currently using scissors to whittle down a pencil. This will be a valuable skill if she ever goes to prison and needs to make a shank.

3,783

Did you hear the one about the Viking who was reincarnated? He was Bjorn again.

3,784

What is Green...and Smells Like Pork? Kermit the Frog's Finger!!

3,785

God grant me the serenity to accept the things Facebook changes, the courage to change the settings I can, and the wisdom to know it won't make a difference.

3,786

On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.

3,787

I wonder who ate the first egg. Like who said, "I'm a eat the white ball that chicken just shit out."

3,788

Jokes from a college student. How to use green, yellow, and pink in a sentence? The phone goes green, green, green, I pink it up, and say yellow.

3,789

Why did the Greeks want Helen back so bad? Are you kidding? She was the most beautiful woman in the world! Can you imagine what her sons would of looked like?

3,790

Pirates used to wear eye patches because they had hooks for hands

3,791

I've written a book called, 'How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money'. It's available in all good bookshops priced 149.99.

3,792

What do you call a computer that can sing really well? A Dell.

3,793

What does JCPenny and teenagers have in common? Pants 50% off

3,794

Do you ever get that creepy deja vu feeling? [credit](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/2tc8bn/how_do_you_subtly_fuck_with_people/cny3ig0)

3,795

Do you know how to disappoint a fellow redditor? [deleted]

3,796

Some kid was being annoying so I hit him on the face with a baseball bat. He started crying and I didn't even bat an eye.

3,797

What's the favorite subject of young witches at school? Spelling.

3,798

Why type of lightning likes to play sports? -Ball lightning

3,799

Ok everyone enough of your "family" time, come back to the internet. We are your real family.

3,800

If green gummy bears are strawberry flavored, what is the flavor of yellow gummy bears? PHLEGMon