ysharma/short_jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

ID int64 1 232k	Joke stringlengths 10 200
3,601	Origami You never realise how good you are at it until your toilet paper starts running out
3,602	Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
3,603	Which global disasters happen when you drop a roast turkey? The downfall of Turkey, the break-up of China, and the overthrow of Greece.
3,604	I never thought I'd buy into Feng Shui But oh how the tables have turned.
3,605	[at work] Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom? standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards "No...why do you ask?"
3,606	I screamed a Brazilian times during that waxing.
3,607	[first date] "What's wrong?" I don't like the ambulance in this place [sniggering] "You mean ambience" [next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
3,608	They've just released a female version of Viagra. It's called Niagara.
3,609	I asked the lady from the collection agency out on a date. She turned me down, but keeps calling. I told her I'm too old for games.
3,610	Q: What do you get when Steve Jobs hires and fires a lot of people in six months? A: An Apple turnover.
3,611	Q: What kind of dog does a dracula like? - A: A Bloodhound.
3,612	Poop jokes... are the shit.
3,613	What do you call a yak that wants to talk to you about a network marketing opportunity? A cognac
3,614	Where do Muslim hipsters shop for clothes? Turban Outfitters!
3,615	What happens when you fall in love with a french chef? You get buttered up.
3,616	Why do gods eat swiss cheese? Because its holy
3,617	My friend keeps saying, "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.
3,618	I'm living on the edge. I haven't backed up in weeks
3,619	What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless.
3,620	What is the difference between brown nosing and butt kissing? Depth Perception!
3,621	How to scare burglars off. First, put pictures on the wall of you with a tiger. Second, put a cat litter box in your hall and sh!t in it.
3,622	What is 6.9? A good time ruined by a period.
3,623	As I lay my phone down to sleep, I pray my brain won't think of tweets. If I die before I wake, I pray and hope my phone to break.
3,624	The band Europe is rereleasing their greatest hits on records. It's the vinyl countdown.
3,625	What's the difference between a four year old and a baggie of cocaine? Eric Clapton wouldn't let a baggie of cocaine fall out the window.
3,626	What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick into a girls ass.
3,627	what is Ceasar's slogan for his advertising company? Ceasar sell ads
3,628	Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
3,629	If two vegetarians are arguing Is it considered a beef?
3,630	My sister's a really bad driver. What makes you say that? Every time she goes out in the car Dad puts a glass panel in the floor so that she can see who she's run over.
3,631	What do Donald Trump and a pumpkin have in common? They're orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be tossed out in early November.
3,632	So two reddit mods walk into a bar... ...ya think the second one would have seen it.
3,633	Why is Phoenix such a great lawyer? Because he's "Wright" all the time.
3,634	Hey lady, did you know I'm a Pokemon? Because I Pikachu while you sleep.
3,635	What do you call someone whose GPA is greater than the number of inches their dick is? Asian
3,636	parents, think twice before dressing your child as Cecil the Lion this year. my son will be dressed as a dentist, and I gave him a real gun
3,637	Remember when you were a kid and you used to blow bubbles? He said hi...
3,638	Me: "If only the man upstairs could have blessed you with brains as well as beauty." Wife: "Why the hell is there a man upstairs?"
3,639	So my lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday... They got me a Rolex. I guess they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch".
3,640	What did the boy say when he had trouble using glue? I'm stuck.
3,641	What sport are Mexicans best at? Cross country.
3,642	Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I'm seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
3,643	Swallow it dammit, it's good for you Your Pride
3,644	They say Kurt Cobain had two blue eyes.... one blew on to the wall, the other blew through the window
3,645	[back from the ultrasound] MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus? ME: Fetus, handus, legus...there was practically a whole baby in there!
3,646	Why didn't the tree like to play checkers? Because it was a chesnut tree.
3,647	Sean Spicer getting very upset with the media for not reporting that Trump put up a 28/13/11 triple double against the Rockets yesterday.
3,648	Why did the black child cross the road? To get to the other side
3,649	Why was Simba's dad killed by the pride? Because he didn't mufasa.
3,650	It doesn't matter what kind of brain is attached. Good boobs is good boobs.
3,651	A dyslexic man walks into a bra. "Watch where you're going!" exclaims the woman. "Sorry, I'm dyslexic and I thought this was a bar, can I get you a drink?"
3,652	When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say "There, their, they're."
3,653	Does anybody want this last piece of rain forest?
3,654	What has 100 balls and fuck rabbits A shotgun
3,655	I used to date an anaesthetist... She was a local girl. [credit to seeing this on QI]
3,656	What's the difference between a club and a strip club? A club has a beat that you can dance to, a strip club has a dance that you can beat to.
3,657	What's the difference between redneck newlyweds and two variables in a dataset? The variables aren't necessarily related.
3,658	How come oysters never donate to charity? They are all shellfish.
3,659	If banks are so worried about people stealing their pens, they should just attach them to a Creed CD
3,660	I got so drunk last night I lost my glasses. The rest is a blur
3,661	What did they say to the CEO who raise minimum wage to $70,000? Price is right!
3,662	[death row] Guard: Any last words? Me: [smugly] photosynthesis. Guard: ... Me: it sounded longer in my head.
3,663	What do you do if the lights in a Chinese food restaurant are too bright? Dim Sum.
3,664	Santa's lap isn't the only place wishes come true.
3,665	Are you today's date? Cause you're a 10/10. (Friend told me this today)
3,666	I've never been in love but I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
3,667	What's the difference between a blimp and 1,000 blowjobs? One was a Good Year and one was a great year
3,668	"Knock knock." "Who's there?" "The pilot. Let me in"
3,669	Did you hear about the new Obama Healthcare Burrito? You don't find out whats in it until you pass it...
3,670	[drops son off for 1st day at daycare] "Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o'clock." "Not a chance. He's your problem now."
3,671	I understand the face situation but you don't have to be ugly on the inside too
3,672	Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog !
3,673	Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field
3,674	Life Pro Tip: Putting your phone in airplane mode will stop ads while you play.
3,675	(real news) Chinese archaeologists have discovered the country's oldest mathematics document, written on bamboo more than 2,200 years ago! Even more amazing - one of the answers is wrong.
3,676	I just made your acquaintance, and this is preposterous, but here is my address, perhaps thou shall mail me maybe.
3,677	How do they practice safe sex in Scotland? They brand the sheep that kick.
3,678	When I first met your mom, I fell in love with her because she had a kind face... The kind of face I want to fuck the shit out of!
3,679	How can I smile when 28% of Americans aren't getting enough fiber?
3,680	When going through TSA inspection at the airport, there's no telling how long it will take... ... All belts are off .
3,681	You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!
3,682	I had a Crazy Dream Wait for dreams to come up in conversation. I had a crazy dream last night. I drempt I was a muffler... and when i woke up I was exhausted.
3,683	I just had a nice lunch in the park; homeless people don't have it so bad after all.
3,684	Have you heard about the new supersensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.
3,685	Bathroom mirrors are either the luckiest or the unluckiest objects in the house.
3,686	What do you call it when a story has a recurring train theme? A Loco Motif
3,687	A good way to keep a secret from me is to leave it on my voicemail
3,688	Did you hear about the opera singing monk? He took a vow of Pavarotti.
3,689	What do you call a piece of sandpaper in Syria? A map.
3,690	Be the reason they create new laws.
3,691	I like the sound of you not talking.
3,692	I haven't fapped for seven days... ... because that would be too long.
3,693	Hubs: If you could sleep with... Me: THOR!!! Hubs: ...the fan off tonight, that'd be great. Me: Ohhhh...
3,694	Now that Gay Marriage is legal in all states I can finally get married as a solid, liquid, or gas.
3,695	Vermont's 4 seasons Vermont has 5 seasons: Almost winter Winter Still winter Mud season Road construction
3,696	Man, 2016 really has killed everybody: In November alone we lost Leonard Cohen, Florence Henderson... ...and America.
3,697	Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
3,698	April showers bring may flowers What do may flowers bring? Pilgrims. What do Pilgrims bring? Smallpox
3,699	My dog and I have two things in common: We like burying our bones in other peoples backyards and fleas :-(
3,700	Mom: Fred there were two chocolate cakes in the larder yesterday and now there's only one. Why? Fred: I don't know. It must have been so dark I didn't see the other one.

3,601

Origami You never realise how good you are at it until your toilet paper starts running out

3,602

Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.

3,603

Which global disasters happen when you drop a roast turkey? The downfall of Turkey, the break-up of China, and the overthrow of Greece.

3,604

I never thought I'd buy into Feng Shui But oh how the tables have turned.

3,605

[at work] Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom? *standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards* "No...why do you ask?"

3,606

I screamed a Brazilian times during that waxing.

3,607

[first date] "What's wrong?" I don't like the ambulance in this place [sniggering] "You mean ambience" [next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO

3,608

They've just released a female version of Viagra. It's called Niagara.

3,609

I asked the lady from the collection agency out on a date. She turned me down, but keeps calling. I told her I'm too old for games.

3,610

Q: What do you get when Steve Jobs hires and fires a lot of people in six months? A: An Apple turnover.

3,611

Q: What kind of dog does a dracula like? - A: A Bloodhound.

3,612

Poop jokes... are the shit.

3,613

What do you call a yak that wants to talk to you about a network marketing opportunity? A cognac

3,614

Where do Muslim hipsters shop for clothes? Turban Outfitters!

3,615

What happens when you fall in love with a french chef? You get buttered up.

3,616

Why do gods eat swiss cheese? Because its holy

3,617

My friend keeps saying, "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.

3,618

I'm living on the edge. I haven't backed up in weeks

3,619

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless.

3,620

What is the difference between brown nosing and butt kissing? Depth Perception!

3,621

How to scare burglars off. First, put pictures on the wall of you with a tiger. Second, put a cat litter box in your hall and sh!t in it.

3,622

What is 6.9? A good time ruined by a period.

3,623

As I lay my phone down to sleep, I pray my brain won't think of tweets. If I die before I wake, I pray and hope my phone to break.

3,624

The band Europe is rereleasing their greatest hits on records. It's the vinyl countdown.

3,625

What's the difference between a four year old and a baggie of cocaine? Eric Clapton wouldn't let a baggie of cocaine fall out the window.

3,626

What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick into a girls ass.

3,627

what is Ceasar's slogan for his advertising company? Ceasar sell ads

3,628

Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.

3,629

If two vegetarians are arguing Is it considered a beef?

3,630

My sister's a really bad driver. What makes you say that? Every time she goes out in the car Dad puts a glass panel in the floor so that she can see who she's run over.

3,631

What do Donald Trump and a pumpkin have in common? They're orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be tossed out in early November.

3,632

So two reddit mods walk into a bar... ...ya think the second one would have seen it.

3,633

Why is Phoenix such a great lawyer? Because he's "Wright" all the time.

3,634

Hey lady, did you know I'm a Pokemon? Because I Pikachu while you sleep.

3,635

What do you call someone whose GPA is greater than the number of inches their dick is? Asian

3,636

parents, think twice before dressing your child as Cecil the Lion this year. my son will be dressed as a dentist, and I gave him a real gun

3,637

Remember when you were a kid and you used to blow bubbles? He said hi...

3,638

Me: "If only the man upstairs could have blessed you with brains as well as beauty." Wife: "Why the hell is there a man upstairs?"

3,639

So my lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday... They got me a Rolex. I guess they misunderstood when I said "I wanna watch".

3,640

What did the boy say when he had trouble using glue? I'm stuck.

3,641

What sport are Mexicans best at? Cross country.

3,642

Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I'm seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.

3,643

Swallow it dammit, it's good for you Your Pride

3,644

They say Kurt Cobain had two blue eyes.... one blew on to the wall, the other blew through the window

3,645

[back from the ultrasound] MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus? ME: Fetus, handus, legus...there was practically a whole baby in there!

3,646

Why didn't the tree like to play checkers? Because it was a chesnut tree.

3,647

Sean Spicer getting very upset with the media for not reporting that Trump put up a 28/13/11 triple double against the Rockets yesterday.

3,648

Why did the black child cross the road? To get to the other side

3,649

Why was Simba's dad killed by the pride? Because he didn't mufasa.

3,650

It doesn't matter what kind of brain is attached. Good boobs is good boobs.

3,651

A dyslexic man walks into a bra. "Watch where you're going!" exclaims the woman. "Sorry, I'm dyslexic and I thought this was a bar, can I get you a drink?"

3,652

When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say "There, their, they're."

3,653

Does anybody want this last piece of rain forest?

3,654

What has 100 balls and fuck rabbits A shotgun

3,655

I used to date an anaesthetist... She was a local girl. [credit to seeing this on QI]

3,656

What's the difference between a club and a strip club? A club has a beat that you can dance to, a strip club has a dance that you can beat to.

3,657

What's the difference between redneck newlyweds and two variables in a dataset? The variables aren't necessarily related.

3,658

How come oysters never donate to charity? They are all shellfish.

3,659

If banks are so worried about people stealing their pens, they should just attach them to a Creed CD

3,660

I got so drunk last night I lost my glasses. The rest is a blur

3,661

What did they say to the CEO who raise minimum wage to $70,000? Price is right!

3,662

[death row] Guard: Any last words? Me: [smugly] photosynthesis. Guard: ... Me: it sounded longer in my head.

3,663

What do you do if the lights in a Chinese food restaurant are too bright? Dim Sum.

3,664

Santa's lap isn't the only place wishes come true.

3,665

Are you today's date? Cause you're a 10/10. (Friend told me this today)

3,666

I've never been in love but I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.

3,667

What's the difference between a blimp and 1,000 blowjobs? One was a Good Year and one was a great year

3,668

"Knock knock." "Who's there?" "The pilot. Let me in"

3,669

Did you hear about the new Obama Healthcare Burrito? You don't find out whats in it until you pass it...

3,670

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare] "Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o'clock." "Not a chance. He's your problem now."

3,671

I understand the face situation but you don't have to be ugly on the inside too

3,672

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog !

3,673

Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field

3,674

Life Pro Tip: Putting your phone in airplane mode will stop ads while you play.

3,675

(real news) Chinese archaeologists have discovered the country's oldest mathematics document, written on bamboo more than 2,200 years ago! Even more amazing - one of the answers is wrong.

3,676

I just made your acquaintance, and this is preposterous, but here is my address, perhaps thou shall mail me maybe.

3,677

How do they practice safe sex in Scotland? They brand the sheep that kick.

3,678

When I first met your mom, I fell in love with her because she had a kind face... The kind of face I want to fuck the shit out of!

3,679

How can I smile when 28% of Americans aren't getting enough fiber?

3,680

When going through TSA inspection at the airport, there's no telling how long it will take... ... All belts are off .

3,681

You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!

3,682

I had a Crazy Dream Wait for dreams to come up in conversation. I had a crazy dream last night. I drempt I was a muffler... and when i woke up I was exhausted.

3,683

I just had a nice lunch in the park; homeless people don't have it so bad after all.

3,684

Have you heard about the new supersensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.

3,685

Bathroom mirrors are either the luckiest or the unluckiest objects in the house.

3,686

What do you call it when a story has a recurring train theme? A Loco Motif

3,687

A good way to keep a secret from me is to leave it on my voicemail

3,688

Did you hear about the opera singing monk? He took a vow of Pavarotti.

3,689

What do you call a piece of sandpaper in Syria? A map.

3,690

Be the reason they create new laws.

3,691

I like the sound of you not talking.

3,692

I haven't fapped for seven days... ... because that would be too long.

3,693

Hubs: If you could sleep with... Me: THOR!!! Hubs: ...the fan off tonight, that'd be great. Me: Ohhhh...

3,694

Now that Gay Marriage is legal in all states I can finally get married as a solid, liquid, or gas.

3,695

Vermont's 4 seasons Vermont has 5 seasons: Almost winter Winter Still winter Mud season Road construction

3,696

Man, 2016 really has killed everybody: In November alone we lost Leonard Cohen, Florence Henderson... ...and America.

3,697

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

3,698

April showers bring may flowers What do may flowers bring? Pilgrims. What do Pilgrims bring? Smallpox

3,699

My dog and I have two things in common: We like burying our bones in other peoples backyards and fleas :-(

3,700

Mom: Fred there were two chocolate cakes in the larder yesterday and now there's only one. Why? Fred: I don't know. It must have been so dark I didn't see the other one.