ysharma/short_jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

ID int64 1 232k	Joke stringlengths 10 200
3,501	Thank god this election is over. .....I almost forgot what real commercials were like.
3,502	The 'M' in 'MTV now stands for 'MISCELLANEOUS'.
3,503	I don't really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids' history textbooks.
3,504	So I guess these Brazillian jokes aren't happening Neymar?
3,505	If I exit the bathroom stall singing "Break On Through (To The Other Side)", it's best to avoid shaking my hand.
3,506	What do vegetarian zombies want? Graaaaiiiiinss!
3,507	Body: I'm sooooooo tired Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
3,508	Pinot? I hardly noir.
3,509	How does a penman make his living? He charges a calligra-fee of course!
3,510	What do you call always having a date for New Year's Eve? Social Security.
3,511	Before and After marriage! What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyonce.
3,512	Be a firefighter they said, Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said, Youre misinformed they said, We're calling the police they said
3,513	What did the prostitute catch when she went out with 5 fishermen? ... A big red snapper
3,514	What's another name for the Periodic Table of elements? The atoms family.
3,515	A cucumber made a dill with the devil. He's in quite a pickle now.
3,516	How many Will Ferrell's does it take to change a light bulb? One, AND IT'S NOT FUNNY!
3,517	I just pretended to be on my phone in the elevator and then my phone rang. I'm going to close up shop emotionally for the day
3,518	Why did the bear eat his mate? He called her 'honey', then got hungry.
3,519	"my son, can I ask why you're carrying two HUGE crucifixes?" Well father, I've been... Double-crossed God starts breakdancing
3,520	Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly: "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," replies Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"
3,521	Never drink and derive You'll integrate something you don't need.
3,522	I used to think revenge was a dish best served cold... But now I know it actually means "getting back at somebody".
3,523	Until I had kids I didn't realize that "bouncing off the walls" was actually a literal statement.
3,524	[OC] What do you call a suicidal mathematician smoking weed? Hypotenuse
3,525	So a seal walks into a club. The end.
3,526	Did you hear that HIV isn't spread by a virus? Yeah, it's spread by a fun guy
3,527	What did Russians used to light their houses with before candles? Electricity.
3,528	What are the pigs warned to look out for in New York? Pigpockets.
3,529	My dad said "Always leave them wanting more." That's how he lost his job in disaster relief.
3,530	You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
3,531	[candy store] ME: I'd like to return this Tic Tac. CLERK: It looks partially eaten. ME: It's still in... CLERK: Don't ME: ...mint condition.
3,532	I bet deaf people get really confused when they talk to someone who is applying hand lotion...
3,533	What do snotty vegetables do when they see something they don't like ? They 'turnip' their noses.
3,534	My 6yo daughter's teacher just gave me a "Most Improved Ponytail" award.
3,535	How many gnomes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just the two, really. Or as many as will fit, if theyre feeling frisky.
3,536	TIFU by getting meatball marinara instead of steak and cheese... Oops, wrong sub
3,537	Why are hamburgers essential to football? Because the game is played on a griddle-iron!
3,538	Breaking News:Will.i.am has eye removed. Now he's just Will Am (I'm sorry it only works in speech form)
3,539	my book club evolved into a fight club so gradually I almost didn't notice
3,540	You can tell Tim Horton's is a Canadian franchise, because my donut just apologized for making me fat.
3,541	Today I have learnt - if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
3,542	It must be pretty bad being the wife of a suicide bomber... Because if they come home after work, they've had a bad day.
3,543	Why did the cheese get sent to the asylum? Coz 'e-mmental!
3,544	If a hobbit were to bake a hairstyle, what would he make it out of? Frodo
3,545	What are french journalists good at catching? Bullets.
3,546	What did the snake say when offered a piece of cheese ? Thanks I'll just have a sliver !
3,547	Daughter: Here you go! Me: You're my favorite. Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite! Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
3,548	I'm not the man you'd hoped for or even the man you wanted me to be. Perhaps you should have just once seen in me, the man I am.
3,549	Ever since we lowered our ceilings here at the shipyard, sails have gone through the roof.
3,550	I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful. In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
3,551	will somebody tell my friend its spelled "gif" not "gf" and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
3,552	Why do Native Americans like being invited to Thanksgiving dinners? Because usually they're stuck with reservations.
3,553	Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
3,554	I actually loved the Twilight: Eclipse movie until I realized I was actually in an alley drunk watching two cats fight over a dead mouse.
3,555	I had a funny dream last night Mom. Did you? I dreamed I was awake but when I woke up I found I was asleep.
3,556	I wanted to make my racing snail faster.. So I took off its shell. If anything it became a lot more sluggish.
3,557	I hope the friends that haven't called me in a while know how much I appreciate that.
3,558	Why are ships referred to as "she" A fortune is spent trying to make them look pretty and without a man at the helm, they become an unpredictable death trap.
3,559	Box of condoms = $6.99 Cashier's face when you ask where the fitting room is = Priceless
3,560	Just yelled "I will strangle you in front of your pets" out of my window to a car that cut me off in traffic on a highway in New Jersey.
3,561	Know why I make my pot brownies with chocolate laxatives? For shits and giggles.
3,562	When your girlfriend says "I love you" reply with "I love you more!" Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
3,563	My Asian friend came out .. My Asian friend came out to his dad today and said "Dad I'm gay" . His dad after being angry for a moment said, "why not Gay+"
3,564	GUIDE TO BEING BATMAN: 1. Lose parents, inherit everything 2. Let people get murdered 3. Never murder the Joker cause he's the best at puns
3,565	It's an age-old question, but which came first, the chicken or the egg? The rooster.
3,566	[outside a blazing house] Firefighter: ... Me: ... Firefighter: ... Me: ... There was a spider.
3,567	I like my coffee like I like my wives, From a third world country at a reasonable price.
3,568	What is a computer virus? A terminal illness.
3,569	PRANK: ask someone what's on their shirt and when they look down give them a perm
3,570	Hey dude that invented the unicycle... Where were you wanting to go ? then not go, then go, then not go, then get bored and juggle
3,571	I can't come tonight, couldn't get a babysitter.. It is really difficult to get a babysitter when you don't have any children.
3,572	You can't run through a campground, you can only ran Because it's past tents
3,573	Q: What's the best place to photograph Clinton Administration officials? A: A police lineup.
3,574	I dont know if this is old but anyway What would you rate hitlers invasion of poland I personally would rate it nein out of ten Thankyou goodnight
3,575	Do not email me when my bill is ready, email me when someone has paid it, thank u.
3,576	What happens if you steal in Afghanistan? You get Talibanned
3,577	If she's not ruining your life.....She's just not that into you.
3,578	There's this dog teaching me some new dance moves. He's a corgi-ographer.
3,579	I feel sorry for Piers Morgan. He's basically Piers Morgan, trapped in Piers Morgan's body.
3,580	1000 shrinks donate hair samples to create genetically optimized SuperShrink for Donald Trump He he...
3,581	Mattel released a Muslim Barbie... It's a blow-up doll.
3,582	my wife's divorcing me and i asked reddit for help i hit the lawyer, what now
3,583	Spent the day removing $550,000,000 worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
3,584	Don't save a spot for someone who won't make an effort to stay.
3,585	How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
3,586	"Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees" "DAD?!" [next day] "Where you going with that broom handle?" "Checkin for squirrels"
3,587	Holding a friend's phone for her. Just texted "put a ring on it" to five random male names. Stay tuned.
3,588	Acid is like a woman. A good one will eat right through your pants.
3,589	"Getting real tired of your crap..." Said no dung beetle ever.
3,590	What do you call an amphibian in hiding? Incognitoad.
3,591	Dear lady, $14 is crazy for an airport sandwich but complaining to the counter guy is like telling a cop to pull troops out of Afghanistan.
3,592	After mating, a female Praying Mantis kills & eat's the male. Guess she knows it's easier to claim life insurance rather than child support.
3,593	Dad got his son a birthday card A dad got his son a bday card that said "Holey cow! It's your birthday!" And it had a picture of a cow with holes in it.
3,594	I personally think that Halloween should be moved To November 8 (it'll be more scary)
3,595	Only dead fish go with the flow.
3,596	Why did Jesus deactivate his Instagram account? Because he only had 12 followers.
3,597	I got my wife tickets on a cruise ship. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic.
3,598	Q: Have you seen the polish mine detector. A1: Put you fingers in your ears and start stamping the ground with your foot.
3,599	How Do U Kill A Retard? Give him a knife and say "who's special?"
3,600	How do you insult a hamburger patty? Call it a meatball!

3,501

Thank god this election is over. .....I almost forgot what real commercials were like.

3,502

The 'M' in 'MTV now stands for 'MISCELLANEOUS'.

3,503

I don't really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids' history textbooks.

3,504

So I guess these Brazillian jokes aren't happening Neymar?

3,505

If I exit the bathroom stall singing "Break On Through (To The Other Side)", it's best to avoid shaking my hand.

3,506

What do vegetarian zombies want? Graaaaiiiiinss!

3,507

Body: I'm sooooooo tired Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES

3,508

Pinot? I hardly noir.

3,509

How does a penman make his living? He charges a calligra-fee of course!

3,510

What do you call always having a date for New Year's Eve? Social Security.

3,511

Before and After marriage! What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyonce.

3,512

Be a firefighter they said, Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said, Youre misinformed they said, We're calling the police they said

3,513

What did the prostitute catch when she went out with 5 fishermen? ... A big red snapper

3,514

What's another name for the Periodic Table of elements? The atoms family.

3,515

A cucumber made a dill with the devil. He's in quite a pickle now.

3,516

How many Will Ferrell's does it take to change a light bulb? One, AND IT'S NOT FUNNY!

3,517

I just pretended to be on my phone in the elevator and then my phone rang. I'm going to close up shop emotionally for the day

3,518

Why did the bear eat his mate? He called her 'honey', then got hungry.

3,519

"my son, can I ask why you're carrying two HUGE crucifixes?" Well father, I've been... Double-crossed *God starts breakdancing*

3,520

Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly: "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," replies Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"

3,521

Never drink and derive You'll integrate something you don't need.

3,522

I used to think revenge was a dish best served cold... But now I know it actually means "getting back at somebody".

3,523

Until I had kids I didn't realize that "bouncing off the walls" was actually a literal statement.

3,524

[OC] What do you call a suicidal mathematician smoking weed? Hypotenuse

3,525

So a seal walks into a club. The end.

3,526

Did you hear that HIV isn't spread by a virus? Yeah, it's spread by a fun guy

3,527

What did Russians used to light their houses with before candles? Electricity.

3,528

What are the pigs warned to look out for in New York? Pigpockets.

3,529

My dad said "Always leave them wanting more." That's how he lost his job in disaster relief.

3,530

You can only push me so far before I breakdance.

3,531

[candy store] ME: I'd like to return this Tic Tac. CLERK: It looks partially eaten. ME: It's still in... CLERK: Don't ME: ...mint condition.

3,532

I bet deaf people get really confused when they talk to someone who is applying hand lotion...

3,533

What do snotty vegetables do when they see something they don't like ? They 'turnip' their noses.

3,534

My 6yo daughter's teacher just gave me a "Most Improved Ponytail" award.

3,535

How many gnomes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just the two, really. Or as many as will fit, if theyre feeling frisky.

3,536

TIFU by getting meatball marinara instead of steak and cheese... Oops, wrong sub

3,537

Why are hamburgers essential to football? Because the game is played on a griddle-iron!

3,538

Breaking News:Will.i.am has eye removed. Now he's just Will Am (I'm sorry it only works in speech form)

3,539

my book club evolved into a fight club so gradually I almost didn't notice

3,540

You can tell Tim Horton's is a Canadian franchise, because my donut just apologized for making me fat.

3,541

Today I have learnt - if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.

3,542

It must be pretty bad being the wife of a suicide bomber... Because if they come home after work, they've had a bad day.

3,543

Why did the cheese get sent to the asylum? Coz 'e-mmental!

3,544

If a hobbit were to bake a hairstyle, what would he make it out of? Frodo

3,545

What are french journalists good at catching? Bullets.

3,546

What did the snake say when offered a piece of cheese ? Thanks I'll just have a sliver !

3,547

Daughter: Here you go! Me: You're my favorite. Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite! Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.

3,548

I'm not the man you'd hoped for or even the man you wanted me to be. Perhaps you should have just once seen in me, the man I am.

3,549

Ever since we lowered our ceilings here at the shipyard, sails have gone through the roof.

3,550

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful. In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

3,551

will somebody tell my friend its spelled "gif" not "gf" and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer

3,552

Why do Native Americans like being invited to Thanksgiving dinners? Because usually they're stuck with reservations.

3,553

Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.

3,554

I actually loved the Twilight: Eclipse movie until I realized I was actually in an alley drunk watching two cats fight over a dead mouse.

3,555

I had a funny dream last night Mom. Did you? I dreamed I was awake but when I woke up I found I was asleep.

3,556

I wanted to make my racing snail faster.. So I took off its shell. If anything it became a lot more sluggish.

3,557

I hope the friends that haven't called me in a while know how much I appreciate that.

3,558

Why are ships referred to as "she" A fortune is spent trying to make them look pretty and without a man at the helm, they become an unpredictable death trap.

3,559

Box of condoms = $6.99 Cashier's face when you ask where the fitting room is = Priceless

3,560

Just yelled "I will strangle you in front of your pets" out of my window to a car that cut me off in traffic on a highway in New Jersey.

3,561

Know why I make my pot brownies with chocolate laxatives? For shits and giggles.

3,562

When your girlfriend says "I love you" reply with "I love you more!" Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

3,563

My Asian friend came out .. My Asian friend came out to his dad today and said "Dad I'm gay" . His dad after being angry for a moment said, "why not Gay+"

3,564

GUIDE TO BEING BATMAN: 1. Lose parents, inherit everything 2. Let people get murdered 3. Never murder the Joker cause he's the best at puns

3,565

It's an age-old question, but which came first, the chicken or the egg? The rooster.

3,566

[outside a blazing house] Firefighter: ... Me: ... Firefighter: ... Me: ... There was a spider.

3,567

I like my coffee like I like my wives, From a third world country at a reasonable price.

3,568

What is a computer virus? A terminal illness.

3,569

PRANK: ask someone what's on their shirt and when they look down give them a perm

3,570

Hey dude that invented the unicycle... Where were you wanting to go ? then not go, then go, then not go, then get bored and juggle

3,571

I can't come tonight, couldn't get a babysitter.. It is really difficult to get a babysitter when you don't have any children.

3,572

You can't run through a campground, you can only ran Because it's past tents

3,573

Q: What's the best place to photograph Clinton Administration officials? A: A police lineup.

3,574

I dont know if this is old but anyway What would you rate hitlers invasion of poland I personally would rate it nein out of ten Thankyou goodnight

3,575

Do not email me when my bill is ready, email me when someone has paid it, thank u.

3,576

What happens if you steal in Afghanistan? You get Talibanned

3,577

If she's not ruining your life.....She's just not that into you.

3,578

There's this dog teaching me some new dance moves. He's a corgi-ographer.

3,579

I feel sorry for Piers Morgan. He's basically Piers Morgan, trapped in Piers Morgan's body.

3,580

1000 shrinks donate hair samples to create genetically optimized SuperShrink for Donald Trump He he...

3,581

Mattel released a Muslim Barbie... It's a blow-up doll.

3,582

my wife's divorcing me and i asked reddit for help i hit the lawyer, what now

3,583

Spent the day removing $550,000,000 worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.

3,584

Don't save a spot for someone who won't make an effort to stay.

3,585

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

3,586

"Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees" "DAD?!" [next day] "Where you going with that broom handle?" "Checkin for squirrels"

3,587

Holding a friend's phone for her. Just texted "put a ring on it" to five random male names. Stay tuned.

3,588

Acid is like a woman. A good one will eat right through your pants.

3,589

"Getting real tired of your crap..." Said no dung beetle ever.

3,590

What do you call an amphibian in hiding? Incognitoad.

3,591

Dear lady, $14 is crazy for an airport sandwich but complaining to the counter guy is like telling a cop to pull troops out of Afghanistan.

3,592

After mating, a female Praying Mantis kills & eat's the male. Guess she knows it's easier to claim life insurance rather than child support.

3,593

Dad got his son a birthday card A dad got his son a bday card that said "Holey cow! It's your birthday!" And it had a picture of a cow with holes in it.

3,594

I personally think that Halloween should be moved To November 8 (it'll be more scary)

3,595

Only dead fish go with the flow.

3,596

Why did Jesus deactivate his Instagram account? Because he only had 12 followers.

3,597

I got my wife tickets on a cruise ship. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic.

3,598

Q: Have you seen the polish mine detector. A1: Put you fingers in your ears and start stamping the ground with your foot.

3,599

How Do U Kill A Retard? Give him a knife and say "who's special?"

3,600

How do you insult a hamburger patty? Call it a meatball!