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3,301 | 50 Cent Or as he's known in Zimbabwe, 400,000,000 dollars. |
3,302 | What do you call a team of Christian mutant superheroes? The A-Men |
3,303 | There is no "I" in "team." But there's an "I" in "Tim," and my friend Carlos pronounces it "team" so....there |
3,304 | The two hardest things in programming? Naming things, caching things and off-by-one errors! |
3,305 | What is a Polish person's favorite weapon? A Warsaw... |
3,306 | How do I tell a man he loves me? |
3,307 | Once you've seen one shopping centre... ...you've seen a mall |
3,308 | I've just wrecked myself. I wish I'd checked myself beforehand. |
3,309 | Why did the number 6 cry? Because 7 8 9. (7 ate 9) |
3,310 | Do you know how to cook toilet paper? Me either, but I know how to brown it on one side. |
3,311 | Algorithm A former vice president playing the drums |
3,312 | GF: What's my biggest flaw? ME: You haven't got any, you're perfect, I love you GF: No come on, I mean pacifically ME: We should split up |
3,313 | What does Batman use to wash his hair? Conditioner Gordon. |
3,314 | I have a joke about Ebola You probably won't get it |
3,315 | Did you hear about the Asian guy who was so terrible that nobody mourned his death? He was unbereaveable. |
3,316 | Jesus sits at his last supper *breaks bread* This is my body *pours wine* This is my blood *open jar of mayo* Judas: I'm gonna have to stop you right there |
3,317 | School Joke Principal: "I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all of your teachers. What have you been doing?" Johnny: "Nothing, sir." Principal: "Exactly!" |
3,318 | Don't invest in skiing companies The whole sport is going down hill fast |
3,319 | I like jury duty because it's a fun reminder that one day my life could be in the hands of a guy wearing Velcro shoes. |
3,320 | Your momma's so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease. |
3,321 | Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived. |
3,322 | Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives? |
3,323 | Stepped on an action figure in the shower and simultaneously invented six new cuss words in four different languages. |
3,324 | Why do you need to carry radioactive materials in sealed, lead containers? To stop it from falling out. |
3,325 | A horse walks into the bar... The bartender asks: "why the long penis"? |
3,326 | I went to www.match.com Better luck on www.ancestry.com |
3,327 | That'll do, fellas. I think we're good on breathy singer-songwriters who sound like they're creepily whispering rapey stuff in our ears. |
3,328 | What do you get when you cross human DNA and goat DNA? Thrown out of the petting zoo |
3,329 | Me and my girlfriend... Me and my girlfriend watched 6 DVDs back to back last night, fortunately I was the one facing the TV! |
3,330 | Why did they fire Victoria? Was she keeping secrets? What is Victoria's Secret? |
3,331 | What are the inhabitants of Crete called? Cretins! |
3,332 | A woman stopped me in the street and asked me to show her how to get to the hospital. So I pushed her under a bus. |
3,333 | Thanks for putting your kid on the phone so he could say hi. It changed my life. |
3,334 | Why was Yoda afraid of seven? Because six seven eight. |
3,335 | I bought a Valentine's Day card for everyone at our local Tourettes Society. It's the thought that cunts! |
3,336 | I love you all so much right now because alcohol. |
3,337 | friend of mine collapsed while he was putting the washing out the other day and had to be rushed to hospital. He almost pegged it. |
3,338 | What did the dinosaur say after the car crash? I'msosaurus |
3,339 | What is the best way to pass the time on Tatooine? Watch the Dagobah |
3,340 | [OC] Alright, here's my new year's resolution... Stop being late |
3,341 | Have you ever had an Ethiopian breakfast? Neither have they. |
3,342 | In honor of the Olympics I suggest we start a synchronized drinking team..... Whose in? |
3,343 | What is an amputees favorite movie? Armageddon. |
3,344 | How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb? 1..... Because they are very efficient, but not very funny. Courtesy of my brother /u/twinhawk |
3,345 | I don't volunteer my time to worthy causes but I do always whisper "you're doing great" when a waiter is describing the specials to me |
3,346 | KILLER PJ for Indians! James Bond was travelling in an Autorickshaw Driver - Rs.7.50 hue Sahab .. Bond - Yeh lo 5 rupaye .. Driver - Lekin baki ke 2.50 ?! Bond - " DHAI ANOTHER DAY " :D :D |
3,347 | My buddy is awesome at grilling steaks. They are all very well done |
3,348 | Is there a way to make a hamburger do the Hula? Sure order a burger and a shake! |
3,349 | I ate five cans of alphabet soup yesterday. Then, I easily had the biggest vowel movement ever. |
3,350 | What do you call a piano composer that smokes? Tarcoughski |
3,351 | My girlfriend told me to stop listening to Oasis I said maybe.. |
3,352 | What is Lil Jon's favorite flavor of BBQ? Mesquite squite squite. ...Forgive me I'm freshly smoked. |
3,353 | What time does a mechanic wake up? Oily! |
3,354 | Ripping a blaring fart every now and then lets your masseuse know who's in charge. |
3,355 | What did the bra say to the hat? You go on ahead. I'll give these two a lift. Edit: Someone didn't like the word guys in it |
3,356 | the printer in my office is fondly called Bob Marley it keeps jamming |
3,357 | I learned from 'The Exorcist' That when it comes to souls, possession is 9/10 of the law. Changed slightly from a comment made by /u/boobiesucker |
3,358 | Francois Hollande. |
3,359 | I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live... I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live. I shot him and the judge gave me 30 years. |
3,360 | How do you test a pirate for crabs? Swab the deck! |
3,361 | What's the difference between princess Diana and Tiger Woods? Tiger Woods has a better driver |
3,362 | Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic. |
3,363 | Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic. |
3,364 | Looking for someone to shovel my snow while dressed as a stormtrooper. No weirdos. |
3,365 | What's Pharma Bro's favorite musical? Rent. |
3,366 | I went to France yesterday to see a soccer match... I had a blast! |
3,367 | Smart people don't call themselves smart - me included. |
3,368 | What does the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common? They both glide around Uranus and wipe out Klingons! |
3,369 | What's the difference between a leper and a tree? A tree has limbs. |
3,370 | What kind of ghosts haunt operating theatres? Surgical spirits. |
3,371 | Last night, Gotye won Record of the Year. Parents were like, "Who's Gotye?" while their kids were like, "What's a record? |
3,372 | What's worse than seeing a worm in an apple u just bit into? Holocaust |
3,373 | What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish mothers? Is *anything* okay?! |
3,374 | Why did everyone think that the proctologist was a great fighter? Because he was really good at talking shit.... |
3,375 | Wow, this article looks awesome.*clicks link**finds out it's a slideshow**throws computer out the window* |
3,376 | WHY IS ASS RED BECASUE MY DAD WALKED THROUGH THE DOOR AND FUCKED MY ASS TILL IT WAS RED YOU FUCKING RETARDS |
3,377 | At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think "I wish I could be a shark". |
3,378 | What's the difference between firewood and a jew? The firewood ain't been turned into ash yet. |
3,379 | Why did the blind kid fail geometry? He didnt see the point. |
3,380 | The difference between polygamy and monogamy. Polygamy is having too many wives, but monogamy is having one wife too many. |
3,381 | Growing up, I always wanted to be someone. Now that I'm old, I've realised I should have been more specific. |
3,382 | Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife's yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in? The dog, once he's in, he shuts up! |
3,383 | Whats the difference between Jelly and Jam? I can't jelly my dick into your girls ass. |
3,384 | Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you. |
3,385 | I like my men like I like my coffee-- silent. |
3,386 | This winter, ice crystals will stick together and fall from the sky Snow joke |
3,387 | Whenever I see a bear on a motorbike I'm like, "Good for you. You've not let the fact you can't be tattooed stop you from getting a bike." |
3,388 | How can you tell that God is a man, and not a woman? If God were a woman, she would have made semen taste like chocolate! |
3,389 | Irish Pooing Competition So I entered an Irish pooing competition the other day. I came Turd. |
3,390 | A Jewish kid asks his dad for 50 bucks. His dad says, "40 dollars? What do you want 30 dollars for?" |
3,391 | A priest checks into a hotel... says to the clerk, "I assume the porn is disabled." Clerk says, "No! It's just regular porn you sick freak!" |
3,392 | What's the worst part of getting hit in the face with pie? It's never ending. |
3,393 | Before the Wright brothers made the first airplane, Chuck Norris had already invented the rocket and flown to Pluto, where he lived for 20 years.........naked |
3,394 | *at an AA meeting* "Hi, I'm Andy and I have a drinking problem. I have 2 hands and only 1 mouth. Lol." *gets aggressively escorted out* |
3,395 | How does a chef get to work? He woks. |
3,396 | It's not herpes I burned my lip on a hot sausage. |
3,397 | What do you mean dinosaurs didn't have titties?! *throws my camera on the ground and causes a scene as I leave the museum * |
3,398 | My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I'm five." He said, "When I was your age I was six." |
3,399 | What is it that is yours , but others use it more than you ? Your name |
3,400 | What do you call a gay man's paradise? A fruitopia. |
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