ysharma/short_jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

ID int64 1 232k	Joke stringlengths 10 200
3,101	I lost my virginity. Can't remember a thing, my pussy hurts and there is a used condom on the floor. Last thing I remember was seeing Bill Cosby in the bar.
3,102	I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn't even know I was driving.
3,103	May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
3,104	A man with pica walks into a bar... ...and orders a drink on rocks. Hahahaha! Smart people jokes are the best!
3,105	I play Nickelback real loud all day so crickets can listen to something annoying when they try to sleep
3,106	Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
3,107	How many friend-zoned guys does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they'll just compliment it and then get pissed when it doesn't screw.
3,108	Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
3,109	What do you called a piano someone pissed in? A peeano.
3,110	4: Where did I come from? Me: Mommy's belly. 4: How'd I get there? Me: I, uh...put you there? 4: How did you... Me: WHO WANTS ICE CREAM?!
3,111	Life hack : Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
3,112	I had a near miss on my a flight to Thailand. Well a pre-op Transsexual.
3,113	You get to sleep all day, cat, that's why I get the good food.
3,114	What did one window say to the other window? I'm in pane
3,115	jumps out of plane begins reading parachute instruction manual STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE looks up Well hell
3,116	A friend of mine is so politically correct.... At the deli he is afraid to ask for " white American " cheese.
3,117	A guy just yelled at me for texting and driving. I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business.
3,118	ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it's still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
3,119	Where does sans live? Sans francisco
3,120	I found a way to make my dick 9 inches long I fold it in half
3,121	Feel like Woods household right now is a bunch of people brainstorming, "what is any other plausible reason for this accident?"
3,122	It's HOMOsapiens, not HETEROsapiens. It's the Bi-ble, not the Straight-ble.
3,123	What's the best insult you can tell someone?
3,124	The Bible is a fascinating book It's fascinating how a book with so much sex and violence can be so boring
3,125	if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? "lol im OWNING all these bees" i say as i put my face in the beehive
3,126	What's big and ugly and drinks out of the wrong side of the glass? A monster trying to get rid of hiccups.
3,127	My wife is kind to strangers, she stopped an old lady from buying evaporated milk... ..., and told her it was just an empty can.
3,128	Q. What is good for your soul but not your soles? A. Linedancing!
3,129	I feel sorry for Eazy-E He went from Straight outta Compton to Straight outta condoms before getting aids. I'm sorry.
3,130	I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that's only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
3,131	I always wanted to be self-confident. Well, look at me now. Actually, don't.
3,132	How can you tell if you have a high sperm count? If she has to chew before she swallows.
3,133	The problem with traveling into the future is that it's hard to determine the date because newspapers no longer exist.
3,134	I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille.... .....I just love smell of campfires.
3,135	a friend took Exlax and viagra at the same time... .. he didnt know if he was coming or going.
3,136	So many Jehovah's Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah's Evidence.
3,137	Sex is not the answer... Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer
3,138	did you know you can tell how much a girl likes you by the position of their feet Chances are if her feet are next to her ears she really likes you.
3,139	Q. How many black people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. Nobody knows, there's no light.
3,140	Mrs. Smith: Help me doctor! My son John swallowed the can opener! Doctor: Don't panic. He'll be alright. Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?! The toast is getting cold!
3,141	What do you call it when a person falls ill from watching too many BBC period dramas? Downton Syndrome
3,142	We are all part of the ultimate statistic ten out of ten die.
3,143	So my neighbor knocks on my door. So my neighbor knocks on my door at 2:30am last night. 2:30AM!!! Can you believe it?!!? Lucky for him, I was up playing my drums.
3,144	me: hello darkness my old friend darkness: you are going to hate me but I forgot your name
3,145	Pretty cool to think every time the Verizon guy said "Can you hear me now?" the NSA was quietly answering "Yes we can."
3,146	What does a suicide bomber say when he's teaching class? Pay attention! I'm only going to show this once.
3,147	First day on the job as a drug dealer... Dealer: I don't have coke... is Pepsi okay? gets stabbed
3,148	What will Ryan Lochte say if he looses "Dancing With the Stars"? "I was robbed" Sorry, that just came to me like a stroke of idiotic genius and I couldn't help myself.
3,149	I am a hiring manager. Before I take a look at all the resumes, I throw the entire top half away. If you're going to be working for me, you also have to be lucky.
3,150	"I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion." -person who invented hand dryers
3,151	Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife meat eggs blow job? A: The blow job. You can beat your wife your eggs or your meat; but you just can't beat a blow job.
3,152	I just saw a guy with such a big dick he could fuck himself... And all I could think was how he was so full of himself.
3,153	How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb? None if nobody's looking.
3,154	If you want to say something "rude" for the person you hate the most: 'It wouldn't be worth it to buy your voodoo doll, because i would anyways throw it in a fire right away. it's money wasting!
3,155	The Dalai Lama went into a pizza shop.. And asked them to make him one with everything.
3,156	Did you hear about the guy who died after eating chicken? The meat was fowl.
3,157	What do you call a lost crayon? a Strayola
3,158	I love puppies and kittens and little cute hamsters But not all together. I don't like my food touching.
3,159	Ed Hardy makes a wine. Just tasted some. With full-bodied undertones of asshat, its repugnant mouthfeel would pair well with a cheeseball.
3,160	I'm circumcised but I'm looking to change that. Anyone have any tips?
3,161	"I'm going to slide in and go back and forth until you're satisfied" -Floss
3,162	Nothing screams "I don't care about being on time for work" like hopping on Twitter first thing in the morning.
3,163	What do you call a cheap cicumsicion? A rip off
3,164	What did one snowman say to the other? Smells like carrots
3,165	NSFW Two flies are sitting on a piece of shit... One fly farts. The other fly says, "Do you mind? I'm eating."
3,166	A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
3,167	I asked my dad what the deadliest weapon known to man is. He said 'you came out of it'.
3,168	What should have tipped off the airline ticket sellers on 9/11? When the terrorists asked for anything cheaper than one-way.
3,169	What happens when the Pope dies? ....another one popes up.
3,170	How many women does it take to play tennis? You can't play tennis in the kitchen
3,171	Why did the blind woman fall into the well? Because she couldn't see that well.
3,172	How do dogs own cats? bitches have pussies
3,173	My friend firmly believes that he's a solute I think he's diluted
3,174	What is the biggest plot twist in spanish soap operas? When Rodrigo finds out he is his own mother
3,175	How did the townspeople react when the mayor presented them with a cost efficient, vegan protein source? They chia'd.
3,176	What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.
3,177	So sorry... Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say... Unless you're Chinese, then it's "squirrel".
3,178	My mommy used to warn me that there could be creepy people on the internet. But I'm not afraid anymore... Now that I'm on reddit I'm one of those people.
3,179	If you've never heard a 9 minute version of "Girl From Ipanema", then you weren't just inside my head while my co-worker was talking to me.
3,180	How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents.
3,181	2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said "nice lumberjack costume."
3,182	What's another word for a face tattoo? An everlasting jobstopper.
3,183	I've heard rumors that desperate prostitutes use Crest Toothpaste to reduce cavities.
3,184	Warning: Joke contains racism Racism
3,185	That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy He's pretty ham-fisted
3,186	Why did the feminist cross the road? To suck my fuckin' dick!
3,187	Half-Life 3's release date.
3,188	An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We're a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
3,189	Iron Man is a super hero. Iron Woman is a command.
3,190	I like my coffee like I like my women In two enormous cups
3,191	Why did the moron give the sleepy cow a hammer? He wanted her to hit the hay!
3,192	What does a college kid do when confronted by an evil spirit? He drinks it just like he drinks every other kind of spirit.
3,193	I'm glad my parents told me I'm adopted But I don't know why they tell me everday.
3,194	What does a blonde have if her brain is the size of a pea. Encephalitis, and possibly a medical miracle.
3,195	Hello this is ur pilot speaking We almost began our descent but my copilot said "turn down for what" so looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
3,196	Detective: Why did you dump those vegetables on my desk? Criminal: You said it was time to spill the beans.
3,197	What's better than a Kike on a Pike? Two Kikes on a Pike!
3,198	I kissed a girl in the club and she said, "Oh my God, you've been smoking. It's just like licking an ashtray." "You non-smokers have some funny habits," I replied.
3,199	Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
3,200	Brings pen to sword fight Guy with sword : What's that? Me : Tis mightier! Gets beheaded

3,101

I lost my virginity. Can't remember a thing, my pussy hurts and there is a used condom on the floor. Last thing I remember was seeing Bill Cosby in the bar.

3,102

I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn't even know I was driving.

3,103

May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean

3,104

A man with pica walks into a bar... ...and orders a drink on rocks. Hahahaha! Smart people jokes are the best!

3,105

I play Nickelback real loud all day so crickets can listen to something annoying when they try to sleep

3,106

Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.

3,107

How many friend-zoned guys does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they'll just compliment it and then get pissed when it doesn't screw.

3,108

Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.

3,109

What do you called a piano someone pissed in? A peeano.

3,110

4: Where did I come from? Me: Mommy's belly. 4: How'd I get there? Me: I, uh...put you there? 4: How did you... Me: WHO WANTS ICE CREAM?!

3,111

Life hack : Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.

3,112

I had a near miss on my a flight to Thailand. Well a pre-op Transsexual.

3,113

You get to sleep all day, cat, that's why I get the good food.

3,114

What did one window say to the other window? I'm in pane

3,115

*jumps out of plane* *begins reading parachute instruction manual* STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE *looks up* Well hell

3,116

A friend of mine is so politically correct.... At the deli he is afraid to ask for " white American " cheese.

3,117

A guy just yelled at me for texting and driving. I told him to get off my hood and mind his own business.

3,118

ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it's still beeping, check to see if ur on fire

3,119

Where does sans live? Sans francisco

3,120

I found a way to make my dick 9 inches long I fold it in half

3,121

Feel like Woods household right now is a bunch of people brainstorming, "what is any other plausible reason for this accident?"

3,122

It's HOMOsapiens, not HETEROsapiens. It's the Bi-ble, not the Straight-ble.

3,123

What's the best insult you can tell someone?

3,124

The Bible is a fascinating book It's fascinating how a book with so much sex and violence can be so boring

3,125

if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? "lol im OWNING all these bees" i say as i put my face in the beehive

3,126

What's big and ugly and drinks out of the wrong side of the glass? A monster trying to get rid of hiccups.

3,127

My wife is kind to strangers, she stopped an old lady from buying evaporated milk... ..., and told her it was just an empty can.

3,128

Q. What is good for your soul but not your soles? A. Linedancing!

3,129

I feel sorry for Eazy-E He went from Straight outta Compton to Straight outta condoms before getting aids. I'm sorry.

3,130

I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that's only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.

3,131

I always wanted to be self-confident. Well, look at me now. Actually, don't.

3,132

How can you tell if you have a high sperm count? If she has to chew before she swallows.

3,133

The problem with traveling into the future is that it's hard to determine the date because newspapers no longer exist.

3,134

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille.... .....I just love smell of campfires.

3,135

a friend took Exlax and viagra at the same time... .. he didnt know if he was coming or going.

3,136

So many Jehovah's Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah's Evidence.

3,137

Sex is not the answer... Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer

3,138

did you know you can tell how much a girl likes you by the position of their feet Chances are if her feet are next to her ears she really likes you.

3,139

Q. How many black people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. Nobody knows, there's no light.

3,140

Mrs. Smith: Help me doctor! My son John swallowed the can opener! Doctor: Don't panic. He'll be alright. Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?! The toast is getting cold!

3,141

What do you call it when a person falls ill from watching too many BBC period dramas? Downton Syndrome

3,142

We are all part of the ultimate statistic ten out of ten die.

3,143

So my neighbor knocks on my door. So my neighbor knocks on my door at 2:30am last night. 2:30AM!!! Can you believe it?!!? Lucky for him, I was up playing my drums.

3,144

me: hello darkness my old friend darkness: you are going to hate me but I forgot your name

3,145

Pretty cool to think every time the Verizon guy said "Can you hear me now?" the NSA was quietly answering "Yes we can."

3,146

What does a suicide bomber say when he's teaching class? Pay attention! I'm only going to show this once.

3,147

First day on the job as a drug dealer... Dealer: I don't have coke... is Pepsi okay? *gets stabbed*

3,148

What will Ryan Lochte say if he looses "Dancing With the Stars"? "I was robbed" Sorry, that just came to me like a stroke of idiotic genius and I couldn't help myself.

3,149

I am a hiring manager. Before I take a look at all the resumes, I throw the entire top half away. If you're going to be working for me, you also have to be lucky.

3,150

"I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion." -person who invented hand dryers

3,151

Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife meat eggs blow job? A: The blow job. You can beat your wife your eggs or your meat; but you just can't beat a blow job.

3,152

I just saw a guy with such a big dick he could fuck himself... And all I could think was how he was so full of himself.

3,153

How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb? None if nobody's looking.

3,154

If you want to say something "rude" for the person you hate the most: 'It wouldn't be worth it to buy your voodoo doll, because i would anyways throw it in a fire right away. it's money wasting!

3,155

The Dalai Lama went into a pizza shop.. And asked them to make him one with everything.

3,156

Did you hear about the guy who died after eating chicken? The meat was fowl.

3,157

What do you call a lost crayon? a Strayola

3,158

I love puppies and kittens and little cute hamsters But not all together. I don't like my food touching.

3,159

Ed Hardy makes a wine. Just tasted some. With full-bodied undertones of asshat, its repugnant mouthfeel would pair well with a cheeseball.

3,160

I'm circumcised but I'm looking to change that. Anyone have any tips?

3,161

"I'm going to slide in and go back and forth until you're satisfied" -Floss

3,162

Nothing screams "I don't care about being on time for work" like hopping on Twitter first thing in the morning.

3,163

What do you call a cheap cicumsicion? A rip off

3,164

What did one snowman say to the other? Smells like carrots

3,165

NSFW Two flies are sitting on a piece of shit... One fly farts. The other fly says, "Do you mind? I'm eating."

3,166

A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.

3,167

I asked my dad what the deadliest weapon known to man is. He said 'you came out of it'.

3,168

What should have tipped off the airline ticket sellers on 9/11? When the terrorists asked for anything cheaper than one-way.

3,169

What happens when the Pope dies? ....another one popes up.

3,170

How many women does it take to play tennis? You can't play tennis in the kitchen

3,171

Why did the blind woman fall into the well? Because she couldn't see that well.

3,172

How do dogs own cats? bitches have pussies

3,173

My friend firmly believes that he's a solute I think he's diluted

3,174

What is the biggest plot twist in spanish soap operas? When Rodrigo finds out he is his own mother

3,175

How did the townspeople react when the mayor presented them with a cost efficient, vegan protein source? They chia'd.

3,176

What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.

3,177

So sorry... Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say... Unless you're Chinese, then it's "squirrel".

3,178

My mommy used to warn me that there could be creepy people on the internet. But I'm not afraid anymore... Now that I'm on reddit I'm one of those people.

3,179

If you've never heard a 9 minute version of "Girl From Ipanema", then you weren't just inside my head while my co-worker was talking to me.

3,180

How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents.

3,181

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said "nice lumberjack costume."

3,182

What's another word for a face tattoo? An everlasting jobstopper.

3,183

I've heard rumors that desperate prostitutes use Crest Toothpaste to reduce cavities.

3,184

Warning: Joke contains racism Racism

3,185

That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy He's pretty ham-fisted

3,186

Why did the feminist cross the road? To suck my fuckin' dick!

3,187

Half-Life 3's release date.

3,188

An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We're a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.

3,189

Iron Man is a super hero. Iron Woman is a command.

3,190

I like my coffee like I like my women In two enormous cups

3,191

Why did the moron give the sleepy cow a hammer? He wanted her to hit the hay!

3,192

What does a college kid do when confronted by an evil spirit? He drinks it just like he drinks every other kind of spirit.

3,193

I'm glad my parents told me I'm adopted But I don't know why they tell me everday.

3,194

What does a blonde have if her brain is the size of a pea. Encephalitis, and possibly a medical miracle.

3,195

Hello this is ur pilot speaking We almost began our descent but my copilot said "turn down for what" so looks like we r rerouting to Cancun

3,196

Detective: Why did you dump those vegetables on my desk? Criminal: You said it was time to spill the beans.

3,197

What's better than a Kike on a Pike? Two Kikes on a Pike!

3,198

I kissed a girl in the club and she said, "Oh my God, you've been smoking. It's just like licking an ashtray." "You non-smokers have some funny habits," I replied.

3,199

Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.

3,200

*Brings pen to sword fight* Guy with sword : What's that? Me : Tis mightier! *Gets beheaded*