ysharma/short_jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

ID int64 1 232k	Joke stringlengths 10 200
3,001	I have a hardcore yeast affection. I love breads and doughs.
3,002	You don't have to speak bird to know that when they chirp right outside your window they're asking for you to kill them.
3,003	You mama's so fat
3,004	How long after the first date should I wait before asking to get my bra & panties back?
3,005	What is Helen Keller's favorite color? Corduroy
3,006	Turns out chiropractors aren't actually dinosaurs.
3,007	So anyone know how much a Polar Bear weighs? About enough to break the ice...........
3,008	In many U.S. States offenders receive a harsher penalty for hitting a dog than they do for hitting a woman. That's outrageous either way you're slapping a bitch
3,009	What do you call a seven course Irish meal? A 6-pack and a potato.
3,010	What's green with a brown tip? The cucumbers in Elton John's fridge.
3,011	"I better pee first." - me, before doing anything
3,012	So I heard you're having sex with fruit. What are you, fucking bananas?
3,013	ME: Excuse me...Where's the rowing boat equipment? EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle. ME: EMPLOYEE: ME: EMPLOYEE: ME: Or you'll what?
3,014	Who will pay ? If two gays are on a Date for the dinner,Who will pay the bill ?
3,015	Girl: Why are you so ugly? Boy: I'm you from the future.
3,016	I'm like a single electron... Sometimes, when no one is watching, I interfere with myself.
3,017	How does a Jewish mother change a lightbulb? "No, that's all right. I'll just sit here in the dark."
3,018	As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection... "Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.
3,019	How to give your woman 12 inches and make her bleed. Bang her twice and punch her in the mouth.
3,020	What does a caterpillar do on New Years Day ? Turns over a new leaf !
3,021	* Knock knock. - Who is there? * It's the police. We have received complaints about the noise.
3,022	I was told if I got robbed when I was camping, it would invalidate my insurance... They said if my tent gets stolen, I'll no longer be covered.
3,023	What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back when you throw it? a dead cat
3,024	What does a gay horse eat? Haaaaay
3,025	Where did Sally go when the bomb went off? EVERYWHERE
3,026	I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail... I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail. I sent it right back way too expensive and really bad quality.
3,027	I just saw the movie 50 Shades of gray You could say it had a huge climax.
3,028	My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
3,029	This one is about a horse a horse steps in a puddle of mud
3,030	You stop bad music with a tuning fork. How do you stop bad singing? A pitchfork
3,031	What happens when you call a Trump supporter xenophobic? They do a quick google search and then agree with you.
3,032	Did you know Hitler's father was a cobbler? He made Jews.
3,033	[March 15] Brutus: Going 2 the senate? Caesar: yeah u? Brutus: yep it'll be killer Caesar: how so? Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
3,034	So I beat a Russian Grand Master once. With his own cane.
3,035	What did the Buddhist monk say when he approached the hotdog stand? Make me one with everything.
3,036	So my neighbor asked me to fix her sink She's obviously never seen a porno because it's been an hour and I'm still fixing the damn sink
3,037	I met a girl last night at a bar... She said she wanted the night to be magical... So i fucked her and disappeared.
3,038	UK /r/jokesters, tell me the most British joke you can think of. The less my American brain can comprehend it, the better!
3,039	Setting up a Moses business would be simple except for one setback... Staff problems.
3,040	Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I'm catching it and sticking it down my pants.
3,041	I feel like my rear end turns into Billy Mayes whenever I get diarrhea... "Butt wait, there's more!"
3,042	Q: Why can't Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle? A: Because drawing a perfect circle is impossible for any human.
3,043	I can't afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
3,044	A frog can leap higher than a house ..partly because of the strength of its hind legs, but also because houses have difficulty jumping at all.
3,045	I kept pouring water on my Iphone.. because Siri won't tell me where the terrorists are.
3,046	What thinks the unthinkable? An ithe-berg
3,047	My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale... I gave her some bread crumbs and left her in the forest.
3,048	Cooking with Hitler Step 1. Turn on the gas
3,049	[wife frustrated] "at least I didn't hook up the toilet wrong and tell everyone it's a bidet"
3,050	Just in time for Christmas. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: Teaching people that it is okay to make people outcasts for being different until that difference benefits someone since 1939.
3,051	How to Get There by Ridya Bike
3,052	I was up late last night, trying to figure out why the sun disappeared Then it dawned on me....
3,053	"We're still looking for a side project" Tornado: raises hand we could flip houses "We've been over this, it's not what you think it is"
3,054	It would be funny if we discover there are inhabitants on the comet... they would be comedians.
3,055	A father asked his son how baking school was going "I knead some dough."
3,056	A skinny guy with a 6-pack is like a fat chick with t*ts. It doesn't count
3,057	Sandwich walk into a bar/ The bartender said, sorry, we don't serve food.
3,058	Why did the polar bear join the terrorist group. Because that is where the ISIS.
3,059	Confucius say... ...sex on beach is like American beer, very near water.
3,060	I had a difficult childhood... I was brought up by a couple of alcoholics. I called them my Foster's parents.
3,061	Why did the "M&M;" go to university? He wanted to become a "Smartie"
3,062	At what age do kids stop remembering how often their parents are late picking them up from school because of online poker?
3,063	Whats the worst part about a black out in Detroit? All the pairs of floating eyes
3,064	Why did the robot cross the road? Because it was carbon bonded to the chicken.
3,065	A nun goes to the greengrocer, asking for a cucumber. "Get 2" he says. "So you have one to eat"
3,066	Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast] Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
3,067	I dumped my boyfriend with a lazy eye. Turns out he was seeing chicks on the side.
3,068	I just gave my cat some 7UP. Now he's got 16 lives.
3,069	What is a teenage girl's best friend? Passive-Aggression
3,070	Chemist have an unpopular view on alcohol... They say it's a solution.
3,071	Why do NBA players like poultry? Because they love to slam duck!
3,072	I paid a fish to come over to re-key my guitar, piano and drums. He was a professional tuna.
3,073	Jokes in English Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine."
3,074	What's grey and moves at a hundred miles an hour ? A jet propelled elephant !
3,075	I just think there are a lot more animals out there we could be eating.
3,076	President Obama had lunch today with Hillary Clinton. Hillary told the president, "After phoning my top advisers, I think I'll run for office." And the president said, "I know. I listened in."
3,077	I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
3,078	What do midgets and dwarfs have in common? Just a little
3,079	My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead. She can barely walk and she's already the drunk girl at the party.
3,080	Which color confuses an idiot? Blue
3,081	A Guy Walks Into A Bar........ Wait For It........ "Ouch"
3,082	You can get out of jury duty on the first day by blatantly winking at the defendant as you give them a double thumbs up.
3,083	I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it's my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
3,084	If you say "gullible" slowly it sounds like "oranges" Weird huh?
3,085	Why can't you tell Walter White a knock knock joke? Because HE is the one who knocks.
3,086	ISIS is taking back territory after a surprise turn of events. Their new partnership with Samsung is quickly paying off
3,087	A waiter walks up to a table of older Jewish folks... A waiter walks up to a table of older Jewish folks while they are eating and asks: "Is ANYTHING alright?"
3,088	How do you call a black man flying a plane ? A pilot.
3,089	If you know the thread count on your bed sheets we're in different tax brackets.
3,090	How did the shrimp eat all the fish food? shellfishly
3,091	I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven't done a gig yet.
3,092	My best friend won't talk to me. It's because he is a dog.
3,093	My parents are in a fight My dad wanted to go see a lighthearted psychic. My mother wanted to buy some cheerful watercolors. I hope they find a happy medium
3,094	Why are Russians such bad pilots? Because they're always Stalin. Thank you, good night.
3,095	What do you get when you cross a crocodile with a cartridge? A snapshot.
3,096	Witnesses an awkward moment starts a slow clap* sees that nobody is joining me* pretends like I'm trying to kill mosquitoes*
3,097	When a women dates a younger man she's called a cougar, when a man dates a younger woman he is called Defendant.
3,098	My friend said he was a harp.. But he was obviously a lyre.
3,099	Did you hear the joke about the roof? I would tell you, but it tends to go over people's heads
3,100	What do you call someone who finishes a sentence with you? Partner in crime.

3,001

I have a hardcore yeast affection. I love breads and doughs.

3,002

You don't have to speak bird to know that when they chirp right outside your window they're asking for you to kill them.

3,003

You mama's so fat

3,004

How long after the first date should I wait before asking to get my bra & panties back?

3,005

What is Helen Keller's favorite color? Corduroy

3,006

Turns out chiropractors aren't actually dinosaurs.

3,007

So anyone know how much a Polar Bear weighs? About enough to break the ice...........

3,008

In many U.S. States offenders receive a harsher penalty for hitting a dog than they do for hitting a woman. That's outrageous either way you're slapping a bitch

3,009

What do you call a seven course Irish meal? A 6-pack and a potato.

3,010

What's green with a brown tip? The cucumbers in Elton John's fridge.

3,011

"I better pee first." - me, before doing anything

3,012

So I heard you're having sex with fruit. What are you, fucking bananas?

3,013

ME: Excuse me...Where's the rowing boat equipment? EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle. ME: EMPLOYEE: ME: EMPLOYEE: ME: Or you'll what?

3,014

Who will pay ? If two gays are on a Date for the dinner,Who will pay the bill ?

3,015

Girl: Why are you so ugly? Boy: I'm you from the future.

3,016

I'm like a single electron... Sometimes, when no one is watching, I interfere with myself.

3,017

How does a Jewish mother change a lightbulb? "No, that's all right. I'll just sit here in the dark."

3,018

As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection... "Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.

3,019

How to give your woman 12 inches and make her bleed. Bang her twice and punch her in the mouth.

3,020

What does a caterpillar do on New Years Day ? Turns over a new leaf !

3,021

* Knock knock. - Who is there? * It's the police. We have received complaints about the noise.

3,022

I was told if I got robbed when I was camping, it would invalidate my insurance... They said if my tent gets stolen, I'll no longer be covered.

3,023

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back when you throw it? a dead cat

3,024

What does a gay horse eat? Haaaaay

3,025

Where did Sally go when the bomb went off? EVERYWHERE

3,026

I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail... I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail. I sent it right back way too expensive and really bad quality.

3,027

I just saw the movie 50 Shades of gray You could say it had a huge climax.

3,028

My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.

3,029

This one is about a horse a horse steps in a puddle of mud

3,030

You stop bad music with a tuning fork. How do you stop bad singing? A pitchfork

3,031

What happens when you call a Trump supporter xenophobic? They do a quick google search and then agree with you.

3,032

Did you know Hitler's father was a cobbler? He made Jews.

3,033

[March 15] Brutus: Going 2 the senate? Caesar: yeah u? Brutus: yep it'll be killer Caesar: how so? Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

3,034

So I beat a Russian Grand Master once. With his own cane.

3,035

What did the Buddhist monk say when he approached the hotdog stand? Make me one with everything.

3,036

So my neighbor asked me to fix her sink She's obviously never seen a porno because it's been an hour and I'm still fixing the damn sink

3,037

I met a girl last night at a bar... She said she wanted the night to be magical... So i fucked her and disappeared.

3,038

UK /r/jokesters, tell me the most British joke you can think of. The less my American brain can comprehend it, the better!

3,039

Setting up a Moses business would be simple except for one setback... Staff problems.

3,040

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I'm catching it and sticking it down my pants.

3,041

I feel like my rear end turns into Billy Mayes whenever I get diarrhea... "Butt wait, there's more!"

3,042

Q: Why can't Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle? A: Because drawing a perfect circle is impossible for any human.

3,043

I can't afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.

3,044

A frog can leap higher than a house ..partly because of the strength of its hind legs, but also because houses have difficulty jumping at all.

3,045

I kept pouring water on my Iphone.. because Siri won't tell me where the terrorists are.

3,046

What thinks the unthinkable? An ithe-berg

3,047

My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale... I gave her some bread crumbs and left her in the forest.

3,048

Cooking with Hitler Step 1. Turn on the gas

3,049

[wife frustrated] "at least I didn't hook up the toilet wrong and tell everyone it's a bidet"

3,050

Just in time for Christmas. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: Teaching people that it is okay to make people outcasts for being different until that difference benefits someone since 1939.

3,051

How to Get There by Ridya Bike

3,052

I was up late last night, trying to figure out why the sun disappeared Then it dawned on me....

3,053

"We're still looking for a side project" Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses "We've been over this, it's not what you think it is"

3,054

It would be funny if we discover there are inhabitants on the comet... they would be comedians.

3,055

A father asked his son how baking school was going "I knead some dough."

3,056

A skinny guy with a 6-pack is like a fat chick with t*ts. It doesn't count

3,057

Sandwich walk into a bar/ The bartender said, sorry, we don't serve food.

3,058

Why did the polar bear join the terrorist group. Because that is where the ISIS.

3,059

Confucius say... ...sex on beach is like American beer, very near water.

3,060

I had a difficult childhood... I was brought up by a couple of alcoholics. I called them my Foster's parents.

3,061

Why did the "M&M;" go to university? He wanted to become a "Smartie"

3,062

At what age do kids stop remembering how often their parents are late picking them up from school because of online poker?

3,063

Whats the worst part about a black out in Detroit? All the pairs of floating eyes

3,064

Why did the robot cross the road? Because it was carbon bonded to the chicken.

3,065

A nun goes to the greengrocer, asking for a cucumber. "Get 2" he says. "So you have one to eat"

3,066

Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast] Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!

3,067

I dumped my boyfriend with a lazy eye. Turns out he was seeing chicks on the side.

3,068

I just gave my cat some 7UP. Now he's got 16 lives.

3,069

What is a teenage girl's best friend? Passive-Aggression

3,070

Chemist have an unpopular view on alcohol... They say it's a solution.

3,071

Why do NBA players like poultry? Because they love to slam duck!

3,072

I paid a fish to come over to re-key my guitar, piano and drums. He was a professional tuna.

3,073

Jokes in English Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" Doctor: "Nine."

3,074

What's grey and moves at a hundred miles an hour ? A jet propelled elephant !

3,075

I just think there are a lot more animals out there we could be eating.

3,076

President Obama had lunch today with Hillary Clinton. Hillary told the president, "After phoning my top advisers, I think I'll run for office." And the president said, "I know. I listened in."

3,077

I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.

3,078

What do midgets and dwarfs have in common? Just a little

3,079

My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead. She can barely walk and she's already the drunk girl at the party.

3,080

Which color confuses an idiot? Blue

3,081

A Guy Walks Into A Bar........ Wait For It........ "Ouch"

3,082

You can get out of jury duty on the first day by blatantly winking at the defendant as you give them a double thumbs up.

3,083

I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it's my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial

3,084

If you say "gullible" slowly it sounds like "oranges" Weird huh?

3,085

Why can't you tell Walter White a knock knock joke? Because HE is the one who knocks.

3,086

ISIS is taking back territory after a surprise turn of events. Their new partnership with Samsung is quickly paying off

3,087

A waiter walks up to a table of older Jewish folks... A waiter walks up to a table of older Jewish folks while they are eating and asks: "Is ANYTHING alright?"

3,088

How do you call a black man flying a plane ? A pilot.

3,089

If you know the thread count on your bed sheets we're in different tax brackets.

3,090

How did the shrimp eat all the fish food? shellfishly

3,091

I've just started a band called 999 Megabytes. We haven't done a gig yet.

3,092

My best friend won't talk to me. It's because he is a dog.

3,093

My parents are in a fight My dad wanted to go see a lighthearted psychic. My mother wanted to buy some cheerful watercolors. I hope they find a happy medium

3,094

Why are Russians such bad pilots? Because they're always Stalin. Thank you, good night.

3,095

What do you get when you cross a crocodile with a cartridge? A snapshot.

3,096

*Witnesses an awkward moment* starts a slow clap* sees that nobody is joining me* pretends like I'm trying to kill mosquitoes*

3,097

When a women dates a younger man she's called a cougar, when a man dates a younger woman he is called Defendant.

3,098

My friend said he was a harp.. But he was obviously a lyre.

3,099

Did you hear the joke about the roof? I would tell you, but it tends to go over people's heads

3,100

What do you call someone who finishes a sentence with you? Partner in crime.