ysharma/short_jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

ID int64 1 232k	Joke stringlengths 10 200
3,201	I watched craps at the casino for over an hour tonight until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
3,202	I don't mind getting the stink-eye when I say, "Happy Whatever Holiday You're Weirdly Touchy About," because THAT is the spirit of Whatever.
3,203	A bloke in a wheelchair stole my camouflage stuff I told him 'you can hide but you can't run'.
3,204	A recently fired stock trader said: "This is worse than a divorce, I have lost everything and I still have my wife!"
3,205	What kind of bees make milk? Boobies
3,206	How do you get to Matthew McConaughey's house? A right a right a right
3,207	"I will love you forever or until I cum" MEN
3,208	The number of things that are not rocket science is staggering.
3,209	How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? It's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.
3,210	How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer? There's whiteout on the screen.
3,211	United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
3,212	Darn it A man was walking around his backyard in his stocking feet and stubbed his toe on a rock. His sock exclaimed "I'll be darned!"
3,213	I don't need a football game to get drunk and scream at my television.
3,214	I feel really sad for children with cancer and people who still use BlackBerrys.
3,215	"I'll have to report you sir" said the traffic cop to the speeding driver. "You were doing 85 miles an hour." "Nonsense officer" declared the driver. "I've only been in the car for ten minutes."
3,216	There are three people in this world... Those who can count, and those you can not.
3,217	Cookies Two cookies are in an oven. The first cookie says "is it hot in here or is it just me?" The second cookie says "holy shit! A talking cookie"
3,218	Strange new trend at the office People are putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
3,219	Some kid just threw a bottle of milk at me HOW DAIRY! His behaviour was udderly disgusting. It just skimmed my head.
3,220	it's a status....not your diary...
3,221	Caitlin Jenner isn't transgender. She's trans-Jenner.
3,222	They say: "keep your friends close and your enemies closer". The problem is, nowadays you can't tell them apart.
3,223	American Public Schools.
3,224	A vegan, cross fitters, and yoga person sit down for dinner And nobody says a word.
3,225	My ex posted a pic captioned, "Just me" and I commented, "Yes just you and your 7 personalities"
3,226	How do heavy metal bands surf the web? On the Din-ternet.
3,227	What does the ninja call his penis? meningococcal
3,228	Which knight of the round table had Diabetes? Sir Lance-a-lot
3,229	What did Martin Luther King Jr., Rosa Parks, and Nelson Mandela all have in common? They're all criminals.
3,230	Non-native English speakers, try to literally translate jokes from your own language We might get some weird/funny stuff
3,231	To moma Yo moma so stupid she climbed over a glass wall to see what was on the other side
3,232	I'd make a political joke... But it's too soon, the DNC tried to force one on all of us and we saw how that went.
3,233	How Much Did the Pirate Charge For Corn? A buck an ear
3,234	Get in on Syrian real estate now! The markets are exploding!
3,235	Michael J. Fox was in a car crash... ...a bystander ran up to check if he was ok. "Yeah..." Michael said "I'm just a little shaken up"
3,236	Playing the prequel to Angry Birds where the pigs fuck all the birds' wives.
3,237	Why can't two Asians have a white baby? Because two wongs don't make a white
3,238	Why is Islam called the religion of peace? After you leave the religion, you rest in peace.
3,239	I once dated a dyslexic woman. I took her home and she cooked my sock.
3,240	As my wife gave birth all the doctors yelled, "Push!" I was convinced it was a Pull door.
3,241	What times does the chinaman go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
3,242	Crocodiles; these prehistoric beasts can grow up to 20 feet! Although most just grow 4.
3,243	Did you take a shower today? Why, is one missing?
3,244	End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
3,245	At my last physical, my doctor told me I had to stop masturbating, and I asked why. He said, "Because I'm trying to give you a physical."
3,246	No one spoil the ending, I haven't finished the iTunes user agreement yet!!
3,247	In 2011 it is more normal to have 0 or 2 dads than 1 dad
3,248	What do women call men who are shorter than 5'7"? Friends
3,249	Butt sex is a lot like spinach If you're forced to have it as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult.
3,250	Did you hear about the stationary store? It moved.
3,251	My friends think I have a black sense of humour I don't know what they're talking about... In my view it's golden.
3,252	Curiosity killed the cat... NASA sincerely apologizes...
3,253	Why did Hitler kill himself? He finally got the gas bill.
3,254	3 blondes walk in to a bar you'd think one of them would have seen it
3,255	I got a job as a bounty hunter in China. Couldn't believe my luck, every time they put a new wanted poster up, the guy they were after was standing right next to me!
3,256	Guy in the club: lifts up his shirt I do 400 crunches a day. Me: How many more until you get a personality?
3,257	I get so fustrated when people say "supposably" or "irregardless" I feel like I'm literally drownding
3,258	How did 1940's German Men pick up Jewish Girls With a broom and a dustpan
3,259	Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna? Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
3,260	you're lucky I can teach you how to shave my dad wasnt around to teach me. now watch presses razor against face and moves head up and down
3,261	Funniest joke 2015 I can't(won't) steal it so here is the original link http://i.imgur.com/asy1AU4.png
3,262	If 7 out of 10 sports fans have below average intelligence, what percentage of sports fans is that? 110%. [Aaaaaand we prove once again that morons are humorless. Really should know that by now.]
3,263	Knock Knock Who's there ! Adelia ! Adelia who ? Adelia the cards after you cut the pack !
3,264	I just finished reading the fifth book in this great series. It's called the "Learning to Count" trilogy.
3,265	What made Tesla successful ? Its musk
3,266	Girl: What colour are my eyes? Guy: 34C.
3,267	If you don't like oral sex You should keep your mouth shut
3,268	Congratulations Amy Winehouse On three years of sobriety!
3,269	What shakes and sits at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck.
3,270	Most suitable joke for reddit [deleted]
3,271	If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to "Widowed", it's time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.
3,272	What do you call twin kittens? Dupli-cats
3,273	I don't think I'm a father but I better celebrate just incase I am...
3,274	Why did the student take Viagra while preparing for his exam? His professor said he should study hard.
3,275	What do you call a Targaryen girl who can outrun her brothers? A virgin.
3,276	Where can you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.
3,277	My diet always starts on a Monday morning and ends at the donuts somebody brings into the office later that morning.
3,278	Have you heard the one about the butter? Nah, you'll just spread it around.
3,279	isn't it funny that Hillary And her entire campaign is talking shit about trump being a liar when she is still in denial about the email scandal.
3,280	Joke of the Day [Saw this on Monsters Inc when watching it today](http://i.imgur.com/32l1PsS.jpg)
3,281	How does the moon get a haircut? Eclipse it
3,282	What's a thesaurus's favorite cereal? Synonym Toast Crunch
3,283	They still won't let me on Shark Tank with my feminine hygiene products with Yo Momma jokes printed on 'em. That shit's racist.
3,284	That time of year again. Time to impregnate some chick at the office Christmas party and use my bonus to pay for the abortion. Pff holidays.
3,285	Do you know the one step to avoiding clickbait? Obviously not. gg y'all, inbox = rekt
3,286	What happens when i find a good joke? I reddit.
3,287	There is too much freedom in this country, we need more expensive smart.
3,288	I would totally surf a tsunami. If I didn't get nauseous on water. And if tsunamis weren't dangerous. And I knew how to surf.
3,289	Mum: How can you practice your trumpet and listen to the radio at the same time ? Son: Easy. I have two ears!
3,290	* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
3,291	Feed me once shame on you, Feed me twice i'm moving in.
3,292	Me: Can I order the conch fritters please? Waitress: The "ch" is pronounced like a "k" Me: Okay Bick.
3,293	This isn't a competition! -People who are losing
3,294	I'll be honest, the only time I'd ever want to be 'Keeping Up With The Kardashians' would be if I was chasing them With an axe.
3,295	What do you call an old person from Portugal? A portugeeser
3,296	My brother and I ran out of protein powder. I turned to him and said, "no whey....." (true story)
3,297	If mankind has learned one thing from human history, I'd be stunned.
3,298	What am I? What has six tits and three teeth? The night shift at the Waffle House.
3,299	I am a very kind and honest person. if I see an old lady trying to cross a street... ...I will tell her she is old.
3,300	I was going to buy tickets to see Michael McDonald in concert... ...but I keep forgetting

3,201

I watched craps at the casino for over an hour tonight until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.

3,202

I don't mind getting the stink-eye when I say, "Happy Whatever Holiday You're Weirdly Touchy About," because THAT is the spirit of Whatever.

3,203

A bloke in a wheelchair stole my camouflage stuff I told him 'you can hide but you can't run'.

3,204

A recently fired stock trader said: "This is worse than a divorce, I have lost everything and I still have my wife!"

3,205

What kind of bees make milk? Boobies

3,206

How do you get to Matthew McConaughey's house? A right a right a right

3,207

"I will love you forever or until I cum" MEN

3,208

The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.

3,209

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? It's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.

3,210

How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer? There's whiteout on the screen.

3,211

United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.

3,212

Darn it A man was walking around his backyard in his stocking feet and stubbed his toe on a rock. His sock exclaimed "I'll be darned!"

3,213

I don't need a football game to get drunk and scream at my television.

3,214

I feel really sad for children with cancer and people who still use BlackBerrys.

3,215

"I'll have to report you sir" said the traffic cop to the speeding driver. "You were doing 85 miles an hour." "Nonsense officer" declared the driver. "I've only been in the car for ten minutes."

3,216

There are three people in this world... Those who can count, and those you can not.

3,217

Cookies Two cookies are in an oven. The first cookie says "is it hot in here or is it just me?" The second cookie says "holy shit! A talking cookie"

3,218

Strange new trend at the office People are putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.

3,219

Some kid just threw a bottle of milk at me HOW DAIRY! His behaviour was udderly disgusting. It just skimmed my head.

3,220

it's a status....not your diary...

3,221

Caitlin Jenner isn't transgender. She's trans-Jenner.

3,222

They say: "keep your friends close and your enemies closer". The problem is, nowadays you can't tell them apart.

3,223

American Public Schools.

3,224

A vegan, cross fitters, and yoga person sit down for dinner And nobody says a word.

3,225

My ex posted a pic captioned, "Just me" and I commented, "Yes just you and your 7 personalities"

3,226

How do heavy metal bands surf the web? On the Din-ternet.

3,227

What does the ninja call his penis? meningococcal

3,228

Which knight of the round table had Diabetes? Sir Lance-a-lot

3,229

What did Martin Luther King Jr., Rosa Parks, and Nelson Mandela all have in common? They're all criminals.

3,230

Non-native English speakers, try to literally translate jokes from your own language We might get some weird/funny stuff

3,231

To moma Yo moma so stupid she climbed over a glass wall to see what was on the other side

3,232

I'd make a political joke... But it's too soon, the DNC tried to force one on all of us and we saw how that went.

3,233

How Much Did the Pirate Charge For Corn? A buck an ear

3,234

Get in on Syrian real estate now! The markets are exploding!

3,235

Michael J. Fox was in a car crash... ...a bystander ran up to check if he was ok. "Yeah..." Michael said "I'm just a little shaken up"

3,236

Playing the prequel to Angry Birds where the pigs fuck all the birds' wives.

3,237

Why can't two Asians have a white baby? Because two wongs don't make a white

3,238

Why is Islam called the religion of peace? After you leave the religion, you rest in peace.

3,239

I once dated a dyslexic woman. I took her home and she cooked my sock.

3,240

As my wife gave birth all the doctors yelled, "Push!" I was convinced it was a Pull door.

3,241

What times does the chinaman go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty

3,242

Crocodiles; these prehistoric beasts can grow up to 20 feet! Although most just grow 4.

3,243

Did you take a shower today? Why, is one missing?

3,244

End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face

3,245

At my last physical, my doctor told me I had to stop masturbating, and I asked why. He said, "Because I'm trying to give you a physical."

3,246

No one spoil the ending, I haven't finished the iTunes user agreement yet!!

3,247

In 2011 it is more normal to have 0 or 2 dads than 1 dad

3,248

What do women call men who are shorter than 5'7"? Friends

3,249

Butt sex is a lot like spinach If you're forced to have it as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult.

3,250

Did you hear about the stationary store? It moved.

3,251

My friends think I have a black sense of humour I don't know what they're talking about... In my view it's golden.

3,252

Curiosity killed the cat... NASA sincerely apologizes...

3,253

Why did Hitler kill himself? He finally got the gas bill.

3,254

3 blondes walk in to a bar you'd think one of them would have seen it

3,255

I got a job as a bounty hunter in China. Couldn't believe my luck, every time they put a new wanted poster up, the guy they were after was standing right next to me!

3,256

Guy in the club: *lifts up his shirt* I do 400 crunches a day. Me: How many more until you get a personality?

3,257

I get so fustrated when people say "supposably" or "irregardless" I feel like I'm literally drownding

3,258

How did 1940's German Men pick up Jewish Girls With a broom and a dustpan

3,259

Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna? Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?

3,260

you're lucky I can teach you how to shave my dad wasnt around to teach me. now watch *presses razor against face and moves head up and down*

3,261

Funniest joke 2015 I can't(won't) steal it so here is the original link http://i.imgur.com/asy1AU4.png

3,262

If 7 out of 10 sports fans have below average intelligence, what percentage of sports fans is that? 110%. [Aaaaaand we prove once again that morons are humorless. Really should know that by now.]

3,263

Knock Knock Who's there ! Adelia ! Adelia who ? Adelia the cards after you cut the pack !

3,264

I just finished reading the fifth book in this great series. It's called the "Learning to Count" trilogy.

3,265

What made Tesla successful ? Its musk

3,266

Girl: What colour are my eyes? Guy: 34C.

3,267

If you don't like oral sex You should keep your mouth shut

3,268

Congratulations Amy Winehouse On three years of sobriety!

3,269

What shakes and sits at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck.

3,270

Most suitable joke for reddit [deleted]

3,271

If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to "Widowed", it's time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.

3,272

What do you call twin kittens? Dupli-cats

3,273

I don't think I'm a father but I better celebrate just incase I am...

3,274

Why did the student take Viagra while preparing for his exam? His professor said he should study hard.

3,275

What do you call a Targaryen girl who can outrun her brothers? A virgin.

3,276

Where can you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.

3,277

My diet always starts on a Monday morning and ends at the donuts somebody brings into the office later that morning.

3,278

Have you heard the one about the butter? Nah, you'll just spread it around.

3,279

isn't it funny that Hillary And her entire campaign is talking shit about trump being a liar when she is still in denial about the email scandal.

3,280

Joke of the Day [Saw this on Monsters Inc when watching it today](http://i.imgur.com/32l1PsS.jpg)

3,281

How does the moon get a haircut? Eclipse it

3,282

What's a thesaurus's favorite cereal? Synonym Toast Crunch

3,283

They still won't let me on Shark Tank with my feminine hygiene products with Yo Momma jokes printed on 'em. That shit's racist.

3,284

That time of year again. Time to impregnate some chick at the office Christmas party and use my bonus to pay for the abortion. Pff holidays.

3,285

Do you know the one step to avoiding clickbait? Obviously not. gg y'all, inbox = rekt

3,286

What happens when i find a good joke? I reddit.

3,287

There is too much freedom in this country, we need more expensive smart.

3,288

I would totally surf a tsunami. If I didn't get nauseous on water. And if tsunamis weren't dangerous. And I knew how to surf.

3,289

Mum: How can you practice your trumpet and listen to the radio at the same time ? Son: Easy. I have two ears!

3,290

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *

3,291

Feed me once shame on you, Feed me twice i'm moving in.

3,292

Me: Can I order the conch fritters please? Waitress: The "ch" is pronounced like a "k" Me: Okay Bick.

3,293

This isn't a competition! -People who are losing

3,294

I'll be honest, the only time I'd ever want to be 'Keeping Up With The Kardashians' would be if I was chasing them With an axe.

3,295

What do you call an old person from Portugal? A portugeeser

3,296

My brother and I ran out of protein powder. I turned to him and said, "no whey....." (true story)

3,297

If mankind has learned one thing from human history, I'd be stunned.

3,298

What am I? What has six tits and three teeth? The night shift at the Waffle House.

3,299

I am a very kind and honest person. if I see an old lady trying to cross a street... ...I will tell her she is old.

3,300

I was going to buy tickets to see Michael McDonald in concert... ...but I keep forgetting