ysharma/short_jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

ID int64 1 232k	Joke stringlengths 10 200
4,301	You know what is intense? Camping. Is intense.
4,302	Pineapple Jokes When is an apple not an apple?
4,303	What do call a white guy in a burning building? Fire cracker
4,304	We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move.
4,305	If you walk a mile in my shoes, you'll end up at the bar...
4,306	If I could be indestructible for a day, its scary how many sharks I'd make out with.
4,307	Idiot college called, they want there mascot back.
4,308	My favourite sex position is the JFK I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.
4,309	Male excuses: 1. I forgot 2. I didn't know 3. I wasn't sure 4. What?
4,310	Me: How was the party last night? 17: It was fun. The cops came. Me: What??? 17: Nah, it's cool. We got away. Me: That's my girl.
4,311	And so, Jesus said unto Peter "Come forth and win yourself eternal glory" But Peter came fifth and won himself a toaster
4,312	What's a poker player's favorite sitcom? Full House.
4,313	Cotton Mouth I hate when i get cotton mouth, but that happens a lot when you eat a lot of pants.
4,314	I recently saw a movie about nuts and bolts..... The plot was riveting!
4,315	8 walks into the house with covered in mud Me: MY LORD 8: well that's a nice way to greet me but no, just your son.
4,316	What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros? Elephino \_()_/
4,317	Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Everything Else
4,318	My signature move is having my phone connected for hours to a charger that's not even plugged in.
4,319	TIFU Your girl was on my lap
4,320	There's both a McDonald's and a blood pressure machine at our Walmart. Circle of life.
4,321	"What are you doing? Are you writing down everything I'm saying?! IS THIS GONNA BE A SONG?!?!" -anyone dating Taylor Swift
4,322	Why is there so much blood in my alcohol system?
4,323	The cast of Star Wars VII just finished their first read through (spoilers) Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said "Can I have a word?"
4,324	What do you call a ghost chicken? A poultry-geist!
4,325	My computer said hello to me It's a Dell.
4,326	I'm a simple man bites a pinecone I enjoy simple things tosses a gun into a lake that's why I decided to let these bees live in my skull
4,327	"You made your bed now lay in it" doesn't really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed. And other 5am thoughts
4,328	Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson just found out 2 of his kids are gay... ...I guess you can say they are fruity pebbles.
4,329	I am so dwarf that... I am so dwarf that people don't take me seriously enough to win any competition other than stand up comedy!
4,330	Give it to me straight "I'd really like to have sex with you-" Now give it to me gay "-r boyfriend."
4,331	BREAKING NEWS: Wikileaks founder Julian Assange to release detailed document on what Willis was talking about.
4,332	[During Interview] "Do you have any questions?" - Yeah, inTitanic why did Jack sink when he died but everyone else floated?
4,333	How do you get a witch pregnant? You fuck her.
4,334	As it turns out, "harder" is a horrible safe word.
4,335	I think my washing machine used to belong to Usain Bolt. It has a setting for fast coloureds.
4,336	I ate peanut butter and got an allergic reaction. I got sued.
4,337	How did Helen Keller break her arms? She tried to read a road sign going 45mph
4,338	I was grilling, and dropped a hamburger patty Now it's ground beef
4,339	This lady stalks me everyday from work to my home, and i'm beginning to like her People say its just stalk-home syndrome
4,340	Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order. Him: Make a will? Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
4,341	Tommy Cooper gag A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.
4,342	I hope this Hurricane is a Joaquin the park ;)
4,343	Why haven't Fruity/cocoa pebbles teamed up with a milk company to make the flavor of milk that has the taste after you eat the cereal.Idiots
4,344	What did the hipster epidemiologist say to United States citizens at a press conference? You probably won't get it.
4,345	What do you call a cross between two KKK members? Burning
4,346	What do you always get on your birthday? Another year older!birt
4,347	Want to hear a joke about Potassium? K.
4,348	How to make Holy Water Friend: Hey, how do you make Holy Water? Me: Uhh...Let me think... Why? Friend: You boil the hell out of it! Me: Get out.
4,349	I'm going to save my resolution for 2015, I think I want to be an asshole for another year.
4,350	You should never live in the past. Unless you're a time traveler. Cause dinosaurs rule.
4,351	One way to find out if you're old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you're young, if they panic, you're old.
4,352	How many men does it take to fix a women's watch? Why does she need a watch? There is a clock on the oven!
4,353	Matthew McMonaughey's Lincoln doesn't make left turns... It just goes all right, all right, all right.
4,354	I knew Donald Trump was a bro as soon as I knew his taste in music. We both love The Wall.
4,355	I like to walk up to psychics, punch them in the face and say... "Betcha didn't see that one coming"
4,356	Where do psychopaths shop? In sainsburys i understand that if your not from the UK this joke probably won't make sense, or it's just not funny
4,357	I heard One Direction released a new album recently... ...it's titled "Ray"
4,358	Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things TV Host: What are cooking for us today? Dingo: I'm making my famous baby coleslaw
4,359	Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying? A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.
4,360	Leaving restaurant: "That was lovely" Outside: "Well, it was okay" In car: "I mean, it wasn't great" Back home: "We won't go there again"
4,361	What do UP! and push-up have in common? First you have a great time, but after 5 minutes you end up crying.
4,362	Sometimes relationships last longer when Facebook doesn't know about them.
4,363	What is Snoop Dogg's favorite note? High G.
4,364	My girlfriend isn't a fan of Starwars, says I would have to force her to go. "ss*SSkkkkrrowwmmmzzrreowwwowwww*."
4,365	3 guys walk into a bar Three guys walk into a bar. The forth guy ducks.
4,366	What's the going rate to find out a girl isn't into you? My recent observation concludes ~$140. Great weekend.
4,367	Adele has announced that she will be singing the theme for the next James Bond film. Diet Another Day will be released in 2014.
4,368	Everything is easier said than done. Except for talking, that's about the same.
4,369	Sex is a lot like eating It starts with the mouth and ends in the arse
4,370	I ran 3 miles this morning, so if I did my math correctly, I can eat 3 pounds of cake today.
4,371	At a job interview: "What are your strengths?" "I'm an optimist and a positive thinker." "Give me an example" "When do I start?"
4,372	I'm always behind the person at McDonald's who acts like they've never seen the menu in their life
4,373	What is the similarity between women and square roots? If they are under 16 you should just do them in your head.
4,374	I have to work new years eve. But I'm not upset, after work I have the rest of the year off.
4,375	TIL I have big fingers or a small butthole.
4,376	What did Hitler say when he put on a blindfold? "I can Nazi."
4,377	"Mom guess what I'm getting married!!!" Is he rich? "I think so. His name is Charles Mansion"
4,378	(bad joke) What's the best vegetable for stepping on when you get out of the shower? A toe-mat-o.
4,379	Coffee at McDonald's is like sex in prison You'll have no trouble getting it, but it's rough.
4,380	I'm starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
4,381	My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
4,382	Why is the galley the safest place to be on a capsizing ship? Because everything but the kitchen sinks. =D ^(I feel dirty)
4,383	Knock Knock Who's there ! Blood ! Blood who ? Blood brothers !
4,384	What did Helen Keller scream when she got mugged? Nothing. It was winter and she had mittens on.
4,385	The worst birthday present I ever got... ...was from my grandma when i turned 5. She gave me three socks. When asked why, she responded "because your mom said you grew a foot."
4,386	[snowman rings doorbell] Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a "snow blower" and was wondering where I might find one.
4,387	Please don't tell 9/11 jokes today they're just plane wrong.
4,388	Diet, Day 14: I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I've repelled everyone else. But I'm starting to really like pears.
4,389	Women used to always call me ugly, until they find out how much money I make. Now they call me ugly and poor.
4,390	I played a piano duet with myself... it was a Heart and Soulo
4,391	Do you know why there's no sound when Django has sex? Because the D is silent.
4,392	What do men and public toilets have in common? All the good ones are taken, the rest are full of shit. this is a response to an earlier joke comparing women to parking spots
4,393	What kind of joke is the best joke? The one shoved up your ass. (As told by my adorable and naughty 7 year old).
4,394	Why do programmers produce more garbage than others ? Because they (some of them) don't have a garbage collector.
4,395	Some of you should not be allowed to procreate and if you have to google what procreate means, then I'm talking about you in particular.
4,396	What's the difference between Niagara and Viagra? Niagara falls.
4,397	What do you call a disobedient feline pirate? A mew-tineer! And what do you call a genetically altered cow? A moo-tant, of course!
4,398	Watching TV today I saw a struggling actress I used to know had landed a job in a bra commercial. Nice to see her supporting herself.
4,399	The Blind Man "Ah, I see," said the blind man as he spat into the wind. "It's all coming back to me now."
4,400	Hope they send us home early; I'm not sure how much longer I can pretend to work today.

4,301

You know what is intense? Camping. Is intense.

4,302

Pineapple Jokes When is an apple not an apple?

4,303

What do call a white guy in a burning building? Fire cracker

4,304

We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move.

4,305

If you walk a mile in my shoes, you'll end up at the bar...

4,306

If I could be indestructible for a day, its scary how many sharks I'd make out with.

4,307

Idiot college called, they want there mascot back.

4,308

My favourite sex position is the JFK I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

4,309

Male excuses: 1. I forgot 2. I didn't know 3. I wasn't sure 4. What?

4,310

Me: How was the party last night? 17: It was fun. The cops came. Me: What??? 17: Nah, it's cool. We got away. Me: That's my girl.

4,311

And so, Jesus said unto Peter "Come forth and win yourself eternal glory" But Peter came fifth and won himself a toaster

4,312

What's a poker player's favorite sitcom? Full House.

4,313

Cotton Mouth I hate when i get cotton mouth, but that happens a lot when you eat a lot of pants.

4,314

I recently saw a movie about nuts and bolts..... The plot was riveting!

4,315

8 *walks into the house with covered in mud* Me: MY LORD 8: well that's a nice way to greet me but no, just your son.

4,316

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros? Elephino \_()_/

4,317

Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Everything Else

4,318

My signature move is having my phone connected for hours to a charger that's not even plugged in.

4,319

TIFU Your girl was on my lap

4,320

There's both a McDonald's and a blood pressure machine at our Walmart. Circle of life.

4,321

"What are you doing? Are you writing down everything I'm saying?! IS THIS GONNA BE A SONG?!?!" -anyone dating Taylor Swift

4,322

Why is there so much blood in my alcohol system?

4,323

The cast of Star Wars VII just finished their first read through (spoilers) Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said "Can I have a word?"

4,324

What do you call a ghost chicken? A poultry-geist!

4,325

My computer said hello to me It's a Dell.

4,326

I'm a simple man *bites a pinecone* I enjoy simple things *tosses a gun into a lake* that's why I decided to let these bees live in my skull

4,327

"You made your bed now lay in it" doesn't really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed. And other 5am thoughts

4,328

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson just found out 2 of his kids are gay... ...I guess you can say they are fruity pebbles.

4,329

I am so dwarf that... I am so dwarf that people don't take me seriously enough to win any competition other than stand up comedy!

4,330

Give it to me straight "I'd really like to have sex with you-" Now give it to me gay "-r boyfriend."

4,331

BREAKING NEWS: Wikileaks founder Julian Assange to release detailed document on what Willis was talking about.

4,332

[During Interview] "Do you have any questions?" - Yeah, inTitanic why did Jack sink when he died but everyone else floated?

4,333

How do you get a witch pregnant? You fuck her.

4,334

As it turns out, "harder" is a horrible safe word.

4,335

I think my washing machine used to belong to Usain Bolt. It has a setting for fast coloureds.

4,336

I ate peanut butter and got an allergic reaction. I got sued.

4,337

How did Helen Keller break her arms? She tried to read a road sign going 45mph

4,338

I was grilling, and dropped a hamburger patty Now it's ground beef

4,339

This lady stalks me everyday from work to my home, and i'm beginning to like her People say its just stalk-home syndrome

4,340

Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order. Him: Make a will? Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.

4,341

Tommy Cooper gag A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.

4,342

I hope this Hurricane is a Joaquin the park ;)

4,343

Why haven't Fruity/cocoa pebbles teamed up with a milk company to make the flavor of milk that has the taste after you eat the cereal.Idiots

4,344

What did the hipster epidemiologist say to United States citizens at a press conference? You probably won't get it.

4,345

What do you call a cross between two KKK members? Burning

4,346

What do you always get on your birthday? Another year older!birt

4,347

Want to hear a joke about Potassium? K.

4,348

How to make Holy Water Friend: Hey, how do you make Holy Water? Me: Uhh...Let me think... Why? Friend: You boil the hell out of it! Me: Get out.

4,349

I'm going to save my resolution for 2015, I think I want to be an asshole for another year.

4,350

You should never live in the past. Unless you're a time traveler. Cause dinosaurs rule.

4,351

One way to find out if you're old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you're young, if they panic, you're old.

4,352

How many men does it take to fix a women's watch? Why does she need a watch? There is a clock on the oven!

4,353

Matthew McMonaughey's Lincoln doesn't make left turns... It just goes all right, all right, all right.

4,354

I knew Donald Trump was a bro as soon as I knew his taste in music. We both love The Wall.

4,355

I like to walk up to psychics, punch them in the face and say... "Betcha didn't see that one coming"

4,356

Where do psychopaths shop? In sainsburys *i understand that if your not from the UK this joke probably won't make sense, or it's just not funny*

4,357

I heard One Direction released a new album recently... ...it's titled "Ray"

4,358

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things TV Host: What are cooking for us today? Dingo: I'm making my famous baby coleslaw

4,359

Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying? A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.

4,360

Leaving restaurant: "That was lovely" Outside: "Well, it was okay" In car: "I mean, it wasn't great" Back home: "We won't go there again"

4,361

What do UP! and push-up have in common? First you have a great time, but after 5 minutes you end up crying.

4,362

Sometimes relationships last longer when Facebook doesn't know about them.

4,363

What is Snoop Dogg's favorite note? High G.

4,364

My girlfriend isn't a fan of Starwars, says I would have to force her to go. "*ss****SSkkkk****rrowwmm****mzzrreowwwowwww***."

4,365

3 guys walk into a bar Three guys walk into a bar. The forth guy ducks.

4,366

What's the going rate to find out a girl isn't into you? My recent observation concludes ~$140. Great weekend.

4,367

Adele has announced that she will be singing the theme for the next James Bond film. Diet Another Day will be released in 2014.

4,368

Everything is easier said than done. Except for talking, that's about the same.

4,369

Sex is a lot like eating It starts with the mouth and ends in the arse

4,370

I ran 3 miles this morning, so if I did my math correctly, I can eat 3 pounds of cake today.

4,371

At a job interview: "What are your strengths?" "I'm an optimist and a positive thinker." "Give me an example" "When do I start?"

4,372

I'm always behind the person at McDonald's who acts like they've never seen the menu in their life

4,373

What is the similarity between women and square roots? If they are under 16 you should just do them in your head.

4,374

I have to work new years eve. But I'm not upset, after work I have the rest of the year off.

4,375

TIL I have big fingers or a small butthole.

4,376

What did Hitler say when he put on a blindfold? "I can Nazi."

4,377

"Mom guess what I'm getting married!!!" Is he rich? "I think so. His name is Charles Mansion"

4,378

(bad joke) What's the best vegetable for stepping on when you get out of the shower? A toe-mat-o.

4,379

Coffee at McDonald's is like sex in prison You'll have no trouble getting it, but it's rough.

4,380

I'm starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.

4,381

My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.

4,382

Why is the galley the safest place to be on a capsizing ship? Because everything but the kitchen sinks. =D ^(I feel dirty)

4,383

Knock Knock Who's there ! Blood ! Blood who ? Blood brothers !

4,384

What did Helen Keller scream when she got mugged? Nothing. It was winter and she had mittens on.

4,385

The worst birthday present I ever got... ...was from my grandma when i turned 5. She gave me three socks. When asked why, she responded "because your mom said you grew a foot."

4,386

[snowman rings doorbell] Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a "snow blower" and was wondering where I might find one.

4,387

Please don't tell 9/11 jokes today they're just plane wrong.

4,388

Diet, Day 14: I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I've repelled everyone else. But I'm starting to really like pears.

4,389

Women used to always call me ugly, until they find out how much money I make. Now they call me ugly and poor.

4,390

I played a piano duet with myself... it was a Heart and Soulo

4,391

Do you know why there's no sound when Django has sex? Because the D is silent.

4,392

What do men and public toilets have in common? All the good ones are taken, the rest are full of shit. *this is a response to an earlier joke comparing women to parking spots*

4,393

What kind of joke is the best joke? The one shoved up your ass. (As told by my adorable and naughty 7 year old).

4,394

Why do programmers produce more garbage than others ? Because they (some of them) don't have a garbage collector.

4,395

Some of you should not be allowed to procreate and if you have to google what procreate means, then I'm talking about you in particular.

4,396

What's the difference between Niagara and Viagra? Niagara falls.

4,397

What do you call a disobedient feline pirate? A mew-tineer! And what do you call a genetically altered cow? A moo-tant, of course!

4,398

Watching TV today I saw a struggling actress I used to know had landed a job in a bra commercial. Nice to see her supporting herself.

4,399

The Blind Man "Ah, I see," said the blind man as he spat into the wind. "It's all coming back to me now."

4,400

Hope they send us home early; I'm not sure how much longer I can pretend to work today.