ysharma/short_jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

ID int64 1 232k	Joke stringlengths 10 200
2,701	A man starts a line of pickled venison ... ...the most popular flavor so far is dill doe.
2,702	How do you know someone is a Bernie Sanders supporter? Don't worry, he'll fucking tell you.
2,703	My wife was captured by a gang of mimes. They did unspeakable things to her.
2,704	Girls aren't friends with other girls. They are just future enemies.
2,705	A guy walks into a drs office with a carrot in his ear.. ..and a piece of broccoli up his nose. The Dr told him he isn't eating right.
2,706	Ever wondered why is being gay a sin? It's simple. We all know 69 as a sex position. Satan's own number is 666. Now think about gays, and 666 as a sex position.
2,707	My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
2,708	When I was a little kid, I had this friend that was always counting. I wonder what he's up to these days.
2,709	I was nervous leaving my ex in the backyard with my wife. I'll put a patio on them later.
2,710	Did you hear about the brake pedal who had to leave his job? He had to stop when he got depressed
2,711	What do you call customers at Lidl? Lidl people.
2,712	Tell me I'm beautiful "You're beautiful" Tell me I'm a genius "You're a genius" Tell m- "Just give me the toilet paper, please"
2,713	What kind of dog can jump higher than a building? Any dog. A building can't jump.
2,714	"We don't serve time travellers here" said the bartender... "We don't serve time travellers here" said the bartender. A time traveller walks into a bar.
2,715	What does a bungie jumper and a condom wearer have in common? If the rubber snaps they're screwed. <----- this is a classic xD
2,716	I've just started work as a human chess piece. The money's good, I'm on knights this week.
2,717	What do Hispanic midgets cut their pizza with? Little Caesar's
2,718	Crocs are suicide notes you can wear.
2,719	Wearing sunglasses inside is a great way to let people know that you should be hated unconditionally
2,720	So I was feeling really depressed due to the attack in Paris... I phoned the Islamic Samaritans. When I said I was feeling suicidal they got all excited and asked if I knew how to fly a plane.
2,721	Movie Names For Your Penis There Will Be Blood YOUR TURN
2,722	How my day went today 1. Woke up 2. Went to work 3. Saw hot girl 4. Kissed the girl Too bad it happened in the order 2,3,4,1.
2,723	I always get nervous before injections so I shut my eyes. I usually end up stabbing the chair.
2,724	I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
2,725	I like to leave my gas cap hanging off when I'm on a date so when people start honking and waving I can wave back like I'm famous
2,726	Learning how to say "where the hell am I?" in eight languages. Just in case.
2,727	I Used to do Drugs I still do, but I used to too
2,728	Did you know that Truett Cathy, Founder of Chick-fil-A, wanted a CFA sandwich for his last meal? Unfortunately, he died on a Sunday.
2,729	Here's to the stork that brings good babies... "Here's to the stork that brings good babies, the crow that brings bad babies, and the swallow that brings no babies at all!"
2,730	Me and the other guys from the circus.... ... took a night off to see some stand-up comedy but he was really mean and cutting. He went straight for the juggler.
2,731	A racist joke What is the difference between a pizza and a black guy? A pizza can feed a family of four.
2,732	[Library] MAN: Do you have books on fire? LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section MAN: Come on boys! Swarms of firemen enter with hoses
2,733	I'm going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn't pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
2,734	50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
2,735	When it comes to the topic of body dysmorphia and gender assumptions, i'm not a fan. Infact I identify more closely to an air conditioning unit.
2,736	what do you call a cat that copies off others' exam papers? a cheetah
2,737	Why do the bees have honey? Because they have a queen. If they had a parliament, they would have had nothing.
2,738	Titanic sank 103 years ago... ...making it the only thing your mom didn't go down on! Hi-YO!
2,739	Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
2,740	"I gave him the what for!" "What for?" "Because he deserved it, that's what for!"
2,741	Sometimes I'll just go "liking" some shit on the Internet and I honestly don't even know if I really mean it.
2,742	A rabbi a priest and a crocodile walk into a bar Chuck Norris mother fuckers.....whoooooooooooooo
2,743	Kid 1 swallows coin= rush to ER Kid 2 swallows coin= wait til it passes Kid 3 swallows coin= deduct from allowance.
2,744	Did you hear about the cannibal who visited the ICU ward? His doctor told him to eat more vegetables.
2,745	stares at phone why cant i sleep puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun oh
2,746	It's like these people that have to shop at Goodwill don't even realize how lucky and trendy they are!
2,747	Dave's Adventure In A Cave (Limerick) There once was a man named Dave, who found a dead whore in a cave. She was ugly as shit and missing one tit, but think of the money he saved!
2,748	A homeless lady agreed to let me take her home I don't understand why she got pissed when I loaded the cardboard box in my pickup truck.
2,749	We need to get into the fertilizer industry... I hear business is booming.
2,750	I'm not saying don't trust the internet, but there's an alarming discrepancy in the number of Ipads I've won & the number of Ipads I own.
2,751	What do you get when you combine 99 lesbians and a politician? 100 people that don't do dick
2,752	I like to end all my phone calls with "Ok, I'll see you later on at the party!" and then quickly hang up. Let them figure it out.
2,753	You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he's giving me the silent treatment. He's doing it wrong. I'm doing it right but can't tell him.
2,754	what do you call a hooker with a runny nose? full.
2,755	What is it called when sensitive medical information about a very fat patient is disclosed? A hippo violation
2,756	Every woman thinks her husband is a moron. And they're absolutely right because smart men don't get married.
2,757	What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her pussy? Only one retarded thing came out of her pussy.
2,758	There's been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed...
2,759	Doctor: How long has this been bothering you? Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm. Men: I think it started in the 90's.
2,760	Some people are complaining about the Trump Presidency... But it's oKKK with me!
2,761	So a duck walks into a bar... He waddles over to a seat and settles in. The bartender says "Hey there, what can I get for you?" And the duck says "I... I don't know. I've never made it this far."
2,762	"Hot damn!" - the Nazi's probably after their dams were destroyed. I don't know; I'm not a historian. It's just an educated guess.
2,763	Who is the king of the pencil case? The Ruler
2,764	Why was the lion-tamer fined ? He parked on a yellow lion !
2,765	"It's not a colonoscopy, it's a colonoscpportunity!" - gastroenterologist who is also a motivational speaker
2,766	Why was diarrhoea classified under hereditary diseases? It runs in the Jeans.
2,767	"I ruined my health by drinking to everyone Else's."
2,768	Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
2,769	How do you think bus driver interviews go? Applicant: Sorry I'm late! Interviewer: You're hired!
2,770	Today somebody told me about a bear that climbs a mountain... ...But the story goes downhill from there.
2,771	I'm going to talk to my broker today about cashing in some of my stocks. And by that I mean, "taking all my change to the coinstar machine"
2,772	What do a guitar and a drum have in common? Neither of them are a clarinet!
2,773	Rick Astley asked to borrow my Pixar collection. I said "Rick, you can have Toy Story, Cars & Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up"
2,774	What do Jews love most about their mobile phones? They can charge them.
2,775	If you take longer than 10 seconds at the hand dryer, I will wipe my hands on the back of your shirt.
2,776	I don't have a girlfriend.... I just know a few people who would get mad if I said that.
2,777	What will Kayne West's political leaning be if he runs for President? West wing
2,778	Did you hear what that guy said to the Reddit moderator the other day? [Deleted]
2,779	Why does it take Sarah Palin so long to get ready in the morning? Because she has two faces.
2,780	I hope I get a watch for Christmas! Because there's no present like the time.
2,781	During WW2, oil shortages forced some countries to start using organic fuels. Mussolini made the trains run on thyme.
2,782	What's God's favorite guitar chord? G sus
2,783	ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
2,784	How much does a Rabbi charge for circumcision? Nothing. He just keeps the tips.
2,785	What do you call an Ethiopian with a dog? Stupid.
2,786	I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
2,787	Girls look back at your wedding photos, if you are fatter than that, he is not happy..
2,788	Guys, I know Michael Jordan very well... .. He just doesn't know me.
2,789	I'll do your taxes for free if you tell my mom we're dating.
2,790	My Home Internet Password 2kids1dog. Thats an orgy I don't want to be apart of.
2,791	I've decided to give karate a break for a little while... I guess you could say I am going on a HI-YA-tus.
2,792	I think my blind girlfriend just broke up with me She said she wanted to see other people.
2,793	Why did no one like the Archer Because he was too arrowgant!
2,794	Wife sneezed... ... and told me she was allergic to my hotness. My response: so do you break out in sex?
2,795	What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down? Wife.
2,796	What do you call a psychic midget that escapes prison? A small medium at large.
2,797	My friend told me he is FINALLY going to watch the Back to the Future series. "It's about time," I told him.
2,798	Apparently, people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones... ...But people in Abu Dhabi DOOOOOOO!
2,799	I'VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES "Don't you mean catlike-" BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
2,800	Instead of complaining that it's hard to remove glitter, accept it. Embrace it. You are a shiny person now.

2,701

A man starts a line of pickled venison ... ...the most popular flavor so far is dill doe.

2,702

How do you know someone is a Bernie Sanders supporter? Don't worry, he'll fucking tell you.

2,703

My wife was captured by a gang of mimes. They did unspeakable things to her.

2,704

Girls aren't friends with other girls. They are just future enemies.

2,705

A guy walks into a drs office with a carrot in his ear.. ..and a piece of broccoli up his nose. The Dr told him he isn't eating right.

2,706

Ever wondered why is being gay a sin? It's simple. We all know 69 as a sex position. Satan's own number is 666. Now think about gays, and 666 as a sex position.

2,707

My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.

2,708

When I was a little kid, I had this friend that was always counting. I wonder what he's up to these days.

2,709

I was nervous leaving my ex in the backyard with my wife. I'll put a patio on them later.

2,710

Did you hear about the brake pedal who had to leave his job? He had to stop when he got depressed

2,711

What do you call customers at Lidl? Lidl people.

2,712

Tell me I'm beautiful "You're beautiful" Tell me I'm a genius "You're a genius" Tell m- "Just give me the toilet paper, please"

2,713

What kind of dog can jump higher than a building? Any dog. A building can't jump.

2,714

"We don't serve time travellers here" said the bartender... "We don't serve time travellers here" said the bartender. A time traveller walks into a bar.

2,715

What does a bungie jumper and a condom wearer have in common? If the rubber snaps they're screwed. <----- this is a classic xD

2,716

I've just started work as a human chess piece. The money's good, I'm on knights this week.

2,717

What do Hispanic midgets cut their pizza with? Little Caesar's

2,718

Crocs are suicide notes you can wear.

2,719

Wearing sunglasses inside is a great way to let people know that you should be hated unconditionally

2,720

So I was feeling really depressed due to the attack in Paris... I phoned the Islamic Samaritans. When I said I was feeling suicidal they got all excited and asked if I knew how to fly a plane.

2,721

Movie Names For Your Penis There Will Be Blood YOUR TURN

2,722

How my day went today 1. Woke up 2. Went to work 3. Saw hot girl 4. Kissed the girl Too bad it happened in the order 2,3,4,1.

2,723

I always get nervous before injections so I shut my eyes. I usually end up stabbing the chair.

2,724

I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.

2,725

I like to leave my gas cap hanging off when I'm on a date so when people start honking and waving I can wave back like I'm famous

2,726

Learning how to say "where the hell am I?" in eight languages. Just in case.

2,727

I Used to do Drugs I still do, but I used to too

2,728

Did you know that Truett Cathy, Founder of Chick-fil-A, wanted a CFA sandwich for his last meal? Unfortunately, he died on a Sunday.

2,729

Here's to the stork that brings good babies... "Here's to the stork that brings good babies, the crow that brings bad babies, and the swallow that brings no babies at all!"

2,730

Me and the other guys from the circus.... ... took a night off to see some stand-up comedy but he was really mean and cutting. He went straight for the juggler.

2,731

A racist joke What is the difference between a pizza and a black guy? A pizza can feed a family of four.

2,732

[Library] MAN: Do you have books on fire? LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section MAN: Come on boys! *Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*

2,733

I'm going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn't pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.

2,734

50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.

2,735

When it comes to the topic of body dysmorphia and gender assumptions, i'm not a fan. Infact I identify more closely to an air conditioning unit.

2,736

what do you call a cat that copies off others' exam papers? a cheetah

2,737

Why do the bees have honey? Because they have a queen. If they had a parliament, they would have had nothing.

2,738

Titanic sank 103 years ago... ...making it the only thing your mom didn't go down on! Hi-YO!

2,739

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

2,740

"I gave him the what for!" "What for?" "Because he deserved it, that's what for!"

2,741

Sometimes I'll just go "liking" some shit on the Internet and I honestly don't even know if I really mean it.

2,742

A rabbi a priest and a crocodile walk into a bar Chuck Norris mother fuckers.....whoooooooooooooo

2,743

Kid 1 swallows coin= rush to ER Kid 2 swallows coin= wait til it passes Kid 3 swallows coin= deduct from allowance.

2,744

Did you hear about the cannibal who visited the ICU ward? His doctor told him to eat more vegetables.

2,745

*stares at phone* why cant i sleep *puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun* oh

2,746

It's like these people that have to shop at Goodwill don't even realize how lucky and trendy they are!

2,747

Dave's Adventure In A Cave (Limerick) There once was a man named Dave, who found a dead whore in a cave. She was ugly as shit and missing one tit, but think of the money he saved!

2,748

A homeless lady agreed to let me take her home I don't understand why she got pissed when I loaded the cardboard box in my pickup truck.

2,749

We need to get into the fertilizer industry... I hear business is booming.

2,750

I'm not saying don't trust the internet, but there's an alarming discrepancy in the number of Ipads I've won & the number of Ipads I own.

2,751

What do you get when you combine 99 lesbians and a politician? 100 people that don't do dick

2,752

I like to end all my phone calls with "Ok, I'll see you later on at the party!" and then quickly hang up. Let them figure it out.

2,753

You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he's giving me the silent treatment. He's doing it wrong. I'm doing it right but can't tell him.

2,754

what do you call a hooker with a runny nose? full.

2,755

What is it called when sensitive medical information about a very fat patient is disclosed? A hippo violation

2,756

Every woman thinks her husband is a moron. And they're absolutely right because smart men don't get married.

2,757

What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her pussy? Only one retarded thing came out of her pussy.

2,758

There's been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed...

2,759

Doctor: How long has this been bothering you? Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm. Men: I think it started in the 90's.

2,760

Some people are complaining about the Trump Presidency... But it's oKKK with me!

2,761

So a duck walks into a bar... He waddles over to a seat and settles in. The bartender says "Hey there, what can I get for you?" And the duck says "I... I don't know. I've never made it this far."

2,762

"Hot damn!" - the Nazi's probably after their dams were destroyed. I don't know; I'm not a historian. It's just an educated guess.

2,763

Who is the king of the pencil case? The Ruler

2,764

Why was the lion-tamer fined ? He parked on a yellow lion !

2,765

"It's not a colonoscopy, it's a colonoscpportunity!" - gastroenterologist who is also a motivational speaker

2,766

Why was diarrhoea classified under hereditary diseases? It runs in the Jeans.

2,767

"I ruined my health by drinking to everyone Else's."

2,768

Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress

2,769

How do you think bus driver interviews go? Applicant: Sorry I'm late! Interviewer: You're hired!

2,770

Today somebody told me about a bear that climbs a mountain... ...But the story goes downhill from there.

2,771

I'm going to talk to my broker today about cashing in some of my stocks. And by that I mean, "taking all my change to the coinstar machine"

2,772

What do a guitar and a drum have in common? Neither of them are a clarinet!

2,773

Rick Astley asked to borrow my Pixar collection. I said "Rick, you can have Toy Story, Cars & Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up"

2,774

What do Jews love most about their mobile phones? They can charge them.

2,775

If you take longer than 10 seconds at the hand dryer, I will wipe my hands on the back of your shirt.

2,776

I don't have a girlfriend.... I just know a few people who would get mad if I said that.

2,777

What will Kayne West's political leaning be if he runs for President? West wing

2,778

Did you hear what that guy said to the Reddit moderator the other day? **[Deleted]**

2,779

Why does it take Sarah Palin so long to get ready in the morning? Because she has two faces.

2,780

I hope I get a watch for Christmas! Because there's no present like the time.

2,781

During WW2, oil shortages forced some countries to start using organic fuels. Mussolini made the trains run on thyme.

2,782

What's God's favorite guitar chord? G sus

2,783

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

2,784

How much does a Rabbi charge for circumcision? Nothing. He just keeps the tips.

2,785

What do you call an Ethiopian with a dog? Stupid.

2,786

I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.

2,787

Girls look back at your wedding photos, if you are fatter than that, he is not happy..

2,788

Guys, I know Michael Jordan very well... .. He just doesn't know me.

2,789

I'll do your taxes for free if you tell my mom we're dating.

2,790

My Home Internet Password 2kids1dog. Thats an orgy I don't want to be apart of.

2,791

I've decided to give karate a break for a little while... I guess you could say I am going on a HI-YA-tus.

2,792

I think my blind girlfriend just broke up with me She said she wanted to see other people.

2,793

Why did no one like the Archer Because he was too arrowgant!

2,794

Wife sneezed... ... and told me she was allergic to my hotness. My response: so do you break out in sex?

2,795

What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down? Wife.

2,796

What do you call a psychic midget that escapes prison? A small medium at large.

2,797

My friend told me he is FINALLY going to watch the Back to the Future series. "It's about time," I told him.

2,798

Apparently, people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones... ...But people in Abu Dhabi DOOOOOOO!

2,799

I'VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES "Don't you mean catlike-" BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]

2,800

Instead of complaining that it's hard to remove glitter, accept it. Embrace it. You are a shiny person now.