ysharma/short_jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

ID int64 1 232k	Joke stringlengths 10 200
2,601	Being God means never having to say you're sorry. Or anything, really.
2,602	A solid way to make your waiter's head explode is to order a grilled cheese with no bread.
2,603	"Hey dad! Did you get a haircut?" "No. I got them all cut."
2,604	A guy walks into a bar... He says ouch.
2,605	All the kids had a name except
2,606	Mickey is getting a divorce "mickey mouse it says you want to divorce minnie because she was...... extremely silly?" "no, i said she was fucking goofy"
2,607	hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
2,608	I just watched a documentary on marijuana They should all be watched that way
2,609	My friends recently got some copy of his grandfather's auschwitz diaries. They're a little brief though. Day 1: Showers
2,610	If intelligent people don't start procreating faster than the trash in "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo," we're all heading towards a very dismal future. Am I the only one seeing this?
2,611	George washington said "We would have a black president when pigs fly!" ... well, swine flu.
2,612	Wheres the best place to hide a body? Page 2 of google search results
2,613	It turns out smoking prevents Alzheimers. You don't live long enough to develop it.
2,614	What happened before the Big Bang? Of course, The Big Foreplay.
2,615	An introvert looks down at his own shoes. An extrovert looks at other people's shoes.
2,616	My running tights are giving me a mean camel toe. I'm going to wear my "Mind the Gap" t-shirt to the gym
2,617	What dinosaur has the best vocabulary? The bronthesaurus.
2,618	What is the difference between the people in Dubai & the people in Abu Dhabi? The people in Dubai don't watch The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi Do!
2,619	All I'm saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
2,620	An orange juice factory decides to host a movie night.. They will be screening Pulp Fiction
2,621	I don't care about heaven when I die I just want to know which words I used the most and how many bears I unknowingly walked by &other stats
2,622	Level of Spanish - I understand what's going on by the intonation.
2,623	4yo: Raise your hand if you are young Me: *raises hand 4yo: No, daddy, not you.
2,624	Dear people with resolutions, Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
2,625	Why is there only women's studies in college, but not men's? Because we call men's studies history.
2,626	My welcome mat says, "Oh shit! Not you again!"
2,627	All police should quit, just to teach us a lesson. We'll beg them to beat and gas us, but they'll be like nope, you didn't appreciate it
2,628	After viewing The Aristocrats, What are Redditors version of this joke. Surely this place can come up with some pretty dirty shit for this one.
2,629	Joke What is a bed's motto
2,630	I don't envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
2,631	did you hear about the man who cooled to absolute zero? he is OK now.
2,632	As a quiet and skinny person, I feel like we should charge loud and fat people more to ride the subway. It won't be difficult to implement either. All we would need to do is charge them by volume.
2,633	Did you hear Ellen DeGeneres drowned? They found her face down in Rikki Lake
2,634	Turns out you have to tell a guy you're going out, otherwise you just end up standing on his doorstep wondering why he's in his sweats.
2,635	I tried to walk into Target... But I missed. - Mitch Hedberg RIP.
2,636	How lost members does it take to change a lightbulb?
2,637	If I were British these tweets would be worth 1.61 times as much.
2,638	What's similar between Gump and Trump? They are both mentally challenged and "just felt like runnin'"
2,639	What did the plant say to the other plant that it really liked alot? let me be your soilmate
2,640	I'm fed up with all that Superman crap. He saves old women & extinguish fires, but when he flies over Africa, he pretends he doesn't see us?
2,641	I went to the fancy dress shop the other day but they couldn't help me complete my wizard costume You just can't get the staff.
2,642	Relationship status: My sex toys have 2 drawers now.You know you're getting old when everything either dries up or leaks
2,643	Confucius say when mosquito land on testicle, you learn to solve problem without violence
2,644	Why don't women like drinking beer at the beach? Because they'll get sand in their schlitz.
2,645	Who me? Ohhh, I'm just driving around town, painting "free candy" on the side of creepy looking vans.
2,646	Henry Tudor: "I'm going to build a car park in the centre of Leicester." Richard III: "Over my dead body."
2,647	Gaining weight when you are still owing me money is a sign of disrespect
2,648	They say money doesn't grow on trees So what are hedgefunds then?
2,649	Me: Play dead My Dog: drives to my office and starts doing my job
2,650	Bum at the bus stop, lady walks up with dress up her crack, bum discretely pulls it out, lady slaps him, [hand gesture pushing it back into crack]
2,651	I remember 2016 As if it were a normal year.
2,652	"I don't want you to freak out, but..." - someone with a shaky grasp of how anxiety works
2,653	Your porn name is your first pet and the street you grew up on? So my porn name is Glenn Beck? Fuck that shit!
2,654	A child was born with no eyelids, so doctors created some using his foreskin It worked okay, but he was a little cockeyed
2,655	That awkward moment when Chris Brown sees a hot chick and says "I'd hit that."
2,656	THE XBOX IS BEING ATTACKED! Here Comes The Ambulance Wii U Wii U Wii U
2,657	Being Poor A man complains to his wife saying, "We're so poor we can't even afford punchlines to our jokes!" And she says...
2,658	Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
2,659	I'd hate to play baseball with the witches from Macbeth Because they think that Fair is Foul and Foul is Fair.
2,660	Once a clock was very tired.. What does that clock say at 1 o'clock night? 1 AM feeling very sleepy.
2,661	I lost 40 Pounds in 4 months!! I didn't realize the British stock market was so volatile.
2,662	Why did the Chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide
2,663	Salesman: first time buying a motorcycle? Me: that obvious? Salesman: nobody asks "how loud is the vroom?" they ask "what's the vroomage?"
2,664	drinks small coffee after 8pm spends rest of life on internet
2,665	Why do pigs have flat snouts? From running in to trees.
2,666	How do you break up with a farmer long-distance? A John Deere letter.
2,667	Bruce Willis found dead.... ....bored with acting
2,668	so true story, i just mindlessly outstretched my fingers to graze the rear end of a Macy's mannequin that turned out to be a real human man
2,669	I don't know what it is, but there is something strangely sexy about the way my grandad gets down doggystyle so I can wipe him. nevermind.
2,670	My dad told me he was gay, i didnt believe him until my other dad comfirmed it
2,671	How do they practice safe sex in Wyoming? They mark the sheep that kick.
2,672	A jaguar asked an colourful arsehole with a big nose to join him in hide and seek... Toucan play that game.
2,673	e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
2,674	Coworker: What book you reading there? Me: 'How To Kidnap A Coworker' CW:... Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
2,675	Her: Wasn't it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree? Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard...
2,676	Maybe being fat isn't bad, it just sounds awful because we say 'morbidly obese'. Let's switch it to 'cheerfully obese' and see what happens.
2,677	Apparently my friends came up with this joke about my penis but nobody will tell me it... They keep telling me it's too long
2,678	Your personality finally matches your looks. That's not a compliment.
2,679	What's the difference between a everyone and a bullet? Everyone misses Harambe.
2,680	On Canada Day, I like to say "HAPPY CANADA DAY!" to people. But quietly. And from a distance. I don't want to be a bother.
2,681	I spilled skittles down my pants. Do you want to taste the rainbow? #badpickuplines
2,682	Why did the trout leave the cult? They were too sacrifishal
2,683	I'm not saying we should kill all the stupid people in the world, I'm just saying we should remove the warning labels from everything and let the problem take care of itself.
2,684	Why do female drivers sit higher up in their seats than male drivers? Because they're sitting on a box.
2,685	Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
2,686	Whats the difference between a tornado and a divorce in the south? Nothing, because either way, someone is losing their trailer.
2,687	I like to nickname my penis Buzz Lightyear Because he likes to travel to the star and beyond
2,688	What did the confused bee say ? To bee or not to bee !
2,689	What's your favourite food if you hate Microsoft Word? TeX-MeX
2,690	Should I bring anything to your party besides pronounced social anxiety and no food
2,691	Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they'll have a friend to play with Fact: They'll fight. Every hour. Every day.
2,692	If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that shit.
2,693	"I'M GOING BANANAS!!!" ...is what I tell my bananas when I leave the house.
2,694	I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don't want it to be awkward.
2,695	Say friends, why is it tough to play poker with cattle farmers? They're always raising the steaks!
2,696	What's the difference between John Kenndy Jr. and Ted Kennedy? Ted can swim away from an accident.
2,697	hello id like a reservation for two. also what is yr policy on cats. i wanna bring like seven cats. ive practiced fitting them on one chair
2,698	An Eel asked an Eagle: do you know why we can't team up? Eagle: No, why? Eel: Because it would be EEL-Eagle!
2,699	what did lowes say when home depot kickcked him in the crotch ouch menards (my nards). lolz
2,700	Him: you are correcting my every word for the last six years of our marriage Me: for the last 7 years

2,601

Being God means never having to say you're sorry. Or anything, really.

2,602

A solid way to make your waiter's head explode is to order a grilled cheese with no bread.

2,603

"Hey dad! Did you get a haircut?" "No. I got them all cut."

2,604

A guy walks into a bar... He says ouch.

2,605

All the kids had a name except

2,606

Mickey is getting a divorce "mickey mouse it says you want to divorce minnie because she was...... extremely silly?" "no, i said she was fucking goofy"

2,607

hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for

2,608

I just watched a documentary on marijuana They should all be watched that way

2,609

My friends recently got some copy of his grandfather's auschwitz diaries. They're a little brief though. Day 1: Showers

2,610

If intelligent people don't start procreating faster than the trash in "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo," we're all heading towards a very dismal future. Am I the only one seeing this?

2,611

George washington said "We would have a black president when pigs fly!" ... well, swine flu.

2,612

Wheres the best place to hide a body? Page 2 of google search results

2,613

It turns out smoking prevents Alzheimers. You don't live long enough to develop it.

2,614

What happened before the Big Bang? Of course, The Big Foreplay.

2,615

An introvert looks down at his own shoes. An extrovert looks at other people's shoes.

2,616

My running tights are giving me a mean camel toe. I'm going to wear my "Mind the Gap" t-shirt to the gym

2,617

What dinosaur has the best vocabulary? The bronthesaurus.

2,618

What is the difference between the people in Dubai & the people in Abu Dhabi? The people in Dubai don't watch The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi Do!

2,619

All I'm saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.

2,620

An orange juice factory decides to host a movie night.. They will be screening Pulp Fiction

2,621

I don't care about heaven when I die I just want to know which words I used the most and how many bears I unknowingly walked by &other stats

2,622

Level of Spanish - I understand what's going on by the intonation.

2,623

4yo: Raise your hand if you are young Me: *raises hand 4yo: No, daddy, not you.

2,624

Dear people with resolutions, Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.

2,625

Why is there only women's studies in college, but not men's? Because we call men's studies history.

2,626

My welcome mat says, "Oh shit! Not you again!"

2,627

All police should quit, just to teach us a lesson. We'll beg them to beat and gas us, but they'll be like nope, you didn't appreciate it

2,628

After viewing The Aristocrats, What are Redditors version of this joke. Surely this place can come up with some pretty dirty shit for this one.

2,629

Joke What is a bed's motto

2,630

I don't envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.

2,631

did you hear about the man who cooled to absolute zero? he is OK now.

2,632

As a quiet and skinny person, I feel like we should charge loud and fat people more to ride the subway. It won't be difficult to implement either. All we would need to do is charge them by volume.

2,633

Did you hear Ellen DeGeneres drowned? They found her face down in Rikki Lake

2,634

Turns out you have to *tell* a guy you're going out, otherwise you just end up standing on his doorstep wondering why he's in his sweats.

2,635

I tried to walk into Target... But I missed. - Mitch Hedberg RIP.

2,636

How lost members does it take to change a lightbulb?

2,637

If I were British these tweets would be worth 1.61 times as much.

2,638

What's similar between Gump and Trump? They are both mentally challenged and "just felt like runnin'"

2,639

What did the plant say to the other plant that it really liked alot? let me be your *soil*mate

2,640

I'm fed up with all that Superman crap. He saves old women & extinguish fires, but when he flies over Africa, he pretends he doesn't see us?

2,641

I went to the fancy dress shop the other day but they couldn't help me complete my wizard costume You just can't get the staff.

2,642

Relationship status: My sex toys have 2 drawers now.You know you're getting old when everything either dries up or leaks

2,643

Confucius say when mosquito land on testicle, you learn to solve problem without violence

2,644

Why don't women like drinking beer at the beach? Because they'll get sand in their schlitz.

2,645

Who me? Ohhh, I'm just driving around town, painting "free candy" on the side of creepy looking vans.

2,646

Henry Tudor: "I'm going to build a car park in the centre of Leicester." Richard III: "Over my dead body."

2,647

Gaining weight when you are still owing me money is a sign of disrespect

2,648

They say money doesn't grow on trees So what are hedgefunds then?

2,649

Me: Play dead My Dog: *drives to my office and starts doing my job*

2,650

Bum at the bus stop, lady walks up with dress up her crack, bum discretely pulls it out, lady slaps him, [hand gesture pushing it back into crack]

2,651

I remember 2016 As if it were a normal year.

2,652

"I don't want you to freak out, but..." - someone with a shaky grasp of how anxiety works

2,653

Your porn name is your first pet and the street you grew up on? So my porn name is Glenn Beck? Fuck that shit!

2,654

A child was born with no eyelids, so doctors created some using his foreskin It worked okay, but he was a little cockeyed

2,655

That awkward moment when Chris Brown sees a hot chick and says "I'd hit that."

2,656

THE XBOX IS BEING ATTACKED! Here Comes The Ambulance Wii U Wii U Wii U

2,657

Being Poor A man complains to his wife saying, "We're so poor we can't even afford punchlines to our jokes!" And she says...

2,658

Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.

2,659

I'd hate to play baseball with the witches from Macbeth Because they think that Fair is Foul and Foul is Fair.

2,660

Once a clock was very tired.. What does that clock say at 1 o'clock night? 1 AM feeling very sleepy.

2,661

I lost 40 Pounds in 4 months!! I didn't realize the British stock market was so volatile.

2,662

Why did the Chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide

2,663

Salesman: first time buying a motorcycle? Me: that obvious? Salesman: nobody asks "how loud is the vroom?" they ask "what's the vroomage?"

2,664

*drinks small coffee after 8pm* *spends rest of life on internet*

2,665

Why do pigs have flat snouts? From running in to trees.

2,666

How do you break up with a farmer long-distance? A John Deere letter.

2,667

Bruce Willis found dead.... ....bored with acting

2,668

so true story, i just mindlessly outstretched my fingers to graze the rear end of a Macy's mannequin that turned out to be a real human man

2,669

I don't know what it is, but there is something strangely sexy about the way my grandad gets down doggystyle so I can wipe him. nevermind.

2,670

My dad told me he was gay, i didnt believe him until my other dad comfirmed it

2,671

How do they practice safe sex in Wyoming? They mark the sheep that kick.

2,672

A jaguar asked an colourful arsehole with a big nose to join him in hide and seek... Toucan play that game.

2,673

e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers

2,674

Coworker: What book you reading there? Me: 'How To Kidnap A Coworker' CW:... Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.

2,675

Her: Wasn't it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree? Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard...

2,676

Maybe being fat isn't bad, it just sounds awful because we say 'morbidly obese'. Let's switch it to 'cheerfully obese' and see what happens.

2,677

Apparently my friends came up with this joke about my penis but nobody will tell me it... They keep telling me it's too long

2,678

Your personality finally matches your looks. That's not a compliment.

2,679

What's the difference between a everyone and a bullet? Everyone misses Harambe.

2,680

On Canada Day, I like to say "HAPPY CANADA DAY!" to people. But quietly. And from a distance. I don't want to be a bother.

2,681

I spilled skittles down my pants. Do you want to taste the rainbow? #badpickuplines

2,682

Why did the trout leave the cult? They were too sacrifishal

2,683

I'm not saying we should kill all the stupid people in the world, I'm just saying we should remove the warning labels from everything and let the problem take care of itself.

2,684

Why do female drivers sit higher up in their seats than male drivers? Because they're sitting on a box.

2,685

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

2,686

Whats the difference between a tornado and a divorce in the south? Nothing, because either way, someone is losing their trailer.

2,687

I like to nickname my penis Buzz Lightyear Because he likes to travel to the star and beyond

2,688

What did the confused bee say ? To bee or not to bee !

2,689

What's your favourite food if you hate Microsoft Word? TeX-MeX

2,690

Should I bring anything to your party besides pronounced social anxiety and no food

2,691

Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they'll have a friend to play with Fact: They'll fight. Every hour. Every day.

2,692

If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that shit.

2,693

"I'M GOING BANANAS!!!" ...is what I tell my bananas when I leave the house.

2,694

I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don't want it to be awkward.

2,695

Say friends, why is it tough to play poker with cattle farmers? They're always raising the steaks!

2,696

What's the difference between John Kenndy Jr. and Ted Kennedy? Ted can swim away from an accident.

2,697

hello id like a reservation for two. also what is yr policy on cats. i wanna bring like seven cats. ive practiced fitting them on one chair

2,698

An Eel asked an Eagle: do you know why we can't team up? Eagle: No, why? Eel: Because it would be EEL-Eagle!

2,699

what did lowes say when home depot kickcked him in the crotch ouch menards (my nards). lolz

2,700

Him: you are correcting my every word for the last six years of our marriage Me: for the last 7 years