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2,401 | When one door closes... An incognito window opens. |
2,402 | I'm good at turning on. .. Electronics |
2,403 | What do you take before every meal? A seat. |
2,404 | What is Harry potters favorite way to get down a hill? Walking....J.K . Rowling |
2,405 | I got arrested at the airport last week... Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane. |
2,406 | What do u call a disadvantage for being east-indian Hindi-capped |
2,407 | Hair Stylist: What are we doing today? Me: Let's do something that will look great here but I'll have no chance of replicating at home |
2,408 | My dog is so excited about me washing the car that I'm starting to think he borrows it while I'm asleep |
2,409 | I hope everyone on this flight covers for me by standing and announcing "No, I am Fartacus!" as we deplane. |
2,410 | What do you call a smelly man who tells terrible jokes? PUN-GENT |
2,411 | I fart like an Egyptian pharoah... We have a toot in common. |
2,412 | When life hands you 2 Lemons 1 cup sugar 2 tbsp flour 3 tbsp cornstarch 1 cup water 2 tbsp butter 4 eggs 1 pie crust you make lemon meringue |
2,413 | Trying to impress a girl who loves jokes about dead hookers. Give me ur best. |
2,414 | Someone broke a hole in the nudist colony's fence. Police are looking into it. |
2,415 | I want a Michael Corleone in the streets and a horse head in the sheets. |
2,416 | I've got a new job in a biscuit factory. So far I've made a packet. |
2,417 | Whenever somebody asks us how long we've been married... Whenever somebody asks us how long we've been married, we always answer: Me: Eight wonderful years. Wife: Eleven years. |
2,418 | Me: What's with the look? Hub: How would you like a full-service massage? Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I'm gone? |
2,419 | There is no Control (Ctrl) button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control. |
2,420 | THIS IS A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY ALERT SYSTEM I'm out of beer. |
2,421 | Why does a VC always enter a room backwards? To keep an eye on the exit |
2,422 | What do you call a country of grizzlies that is always stoned? A hibearnation. |
2,423 | I'm not in favour of student loans. I think people should get their own student. |
2,424 | It's the first day of Autumn so let's make like Humpty Dumpty!! And have a great Fall! |
2,425 | An English man, an Irish man, and a Scots man walk into a pub. They head to the bar and the bartender says, "what is this, some kind of joke?!" |
2,426 | Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, and the first thing I look for in you. |
2,427 | How do you know that toothpaste was invented in Arkansas? Because if it were invented anywhere else, it'd be called teethpaste. |
2,428 | What band's fanbase is the most charitable? U2, they're all pro-bono. |
2,429 | What kind of cheese should Richard eat? Ricotta |
2,430 | To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris. |
2,431 | What did the black kid get on his SAT? Barbecue sauce |
2,432 | Teacher: We're going to need you to work with your daughter on humility. Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I'll give it a shot. |
2,433 | I have a joke to tell. Can you reddit? |
2,434 | There are a lot of deadbeat dads out there trying to make up for lost time by "liking" their grown children's facebook updates. |
2,435 | I accidentally started this account when I was looking for a banana bread recipe and things have gone horribly wrong. |
2,436 | What's the hardest part about roller blading? Telling your parents that you're gay. |
2,437 | What do you call an Asian guy who is a member of ISIS? RICE-IS |
2,438 | Two potatoes are standing on the corner. How can you tell which one is the hooker? The one with the sticker that says, "Idaho". |
2,439 | I have to say to you something... something. |
2,440 | The more complex the handshake, the less complex the individual. |
2,441 | As if being a surgeon wasn't enough you're a general too? |
2,442 | What do you call Hitler underwater? Adolfin. |
2,443 | Did you know Oxford university was founded before the Aztec Empire? That explains the sacrifices my parents had to make to pay my tuition |
2,444 | I over-think, therefore I ruin everything |
2,445 | I asked one of my sumo-wrestling friends whether he wanted some sushi for dinner He just replied "No thanks, I'm not a big Japanese guy" |
2,446 | Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate his pizza before it was cool |
2,447 | What did the unimpressed cheese say? Que... so? |
2,448 | When you hear "I do not love you but we can be friends" it's like... your mother says "Your dog died but you can keep it". |
2,449 | How do you blindfold an Asian person? You put floss over his eyes. |
2,450 | What language do British wrenches speech? Spanish! |
2,451 | Q: What's the difference between a moose and an ant? A: A moose has antlers, but an ant doesn't have mooselers. |
2,452 | What type of fruit do twins prefer? Pears. |
2,453 | if u see someone chewing gum in the morning, it's 100% bc they didn't brush their teeth. they're nasty as hell n not worthy of ur respect |
2,454 | "You know the newest cars drive themselves. And they found that by turning an equal amount left and right, you end up going straight." "I swear, officer." |
2,455 | Game of Thrones is why I have trust issues. |
2,456 | 4 out of 5 dentists agree that pursuing dentistry was a mistake. |
2,457 | What the difference between the titanic and climate change? Climate change beat the ice berg |
2,458 | Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies. |
2,459 | Why shouldn't you invite a duck to go out drinking? Because it would be a party fowl. |
2,460 | What do you call a pickle sandwich that's a scientist? Dill Rye |
2,461 | Whenever I'm getting off a plane I like to go up to the pilot, lean in really close and whisper "I had my phone on that whole time." |
2,462 | What is Chuck Norris' only weakness? Cancer |
2,463 | Why was Leia disappointed on her wedding night? Han shot first. |
2,464 | I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. |
2,465 | I saw a group of transvestites driving really fast... ... it took me a while to realise that they were drag-racing. |
2,466 | What do you call a horny dog in the kitchen? A fur-tile bitch |
2,467 | Just went sledding for the first time I liked it until I got on the sled. It was all down hill from there. |
2,468 | Twitter is the only place where you're thrilled when a complete stranger starts following you. |
2,469 | What do you call a bee that gets engaged? A Beyonce. |
2,470 | My heart goes out to the teenage girls in California who, due to the drought, can no longer take "unusually long" baths like we did |
2,471 | I've got the eye of the tiger, heart of a lion, and... a lifetime ban from the zoo. |
2,472 | Test post pls ignore I TOLD U TO IGNORE IT |
2,473 | I proposed to my Mexican girlfriend but she said... I wasn't the Juan. |
2,474 | im near a club thats popular with college kids and a white girl in a wu-tang shirt just yelled "PBR! WOOOO!" |
2,475 | why would old man skeletor wait until the 3rd period of the final game to introduce new uniforms to the team you're a stupid old man |
2,476 | I must remember...no matter how well hidden I might be in my cardoard box fort, my boss can still track me down by the giggling. |
2,477 | need a Justin Bieber joke about the fist fight he got into last night |
2,478 | The other day, I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow... I called her up and asked, ''Did you get my drift?'' |
2,479 | [First date] Ok, don't let her know you're a pharmacist Her: Can you pass the salt? "Sure, it'll be ready in two hours." |
2,480 | What does a food lover do when they try a new food? They CURIOUSLY MASTERCATE. |
2,481 | Why do Welsh farmers .... Why do Welsh farmers tend to have sex with sheep on the edge of a cliff? So the sheep will push back |
2,482 | Why is there such a shortage of teachers in Africa? Teacher's aides |
2,483 | TIL That Oscar Pistorius once opened a pizza parlor only to have it fail and go bankrupt. The cause? His car was always breaking down, so OP never delivered. |
2,484 | Q: Why did the blond quit his restroom attendant job? A: He couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer! |
2,485 | I'm dating a supermodel with hemiparesis. She's not half-bad. |
2,486 | I wasn't trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it. |
2,487 | Do you want to hear a joke about suicide? So there was this girl. |
2,488 | I would make a joke about Mexicans... ...but that would be crossing the border |
2,489 | Q: Why do blondes always drink with straws? A: Practice. |
2,490 | I call my Penis Batman... ... Woman love it, when the dark night rises. |
2,491 | Kids and adults loved it so, the happy world of Harambe. #neverforget |
2,492 | Women aren't that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve. |
2,493 | It's stupid to just ask "where" a sorority girl is when the more accurate question is "where in Target" is she. |
2,494 | Salamanders are the most passive aggressive animal. You grab their tail and they're like "have that one, I don't even want it" |
2,495 | Q: What do you call cheese that isn't yours? A: Nacho cheese. |
2,496 | Why did the cows come back to the marijuana field? The pot was calling the cattle back |
2,497 | I like my women like I like my coffee I hate coffee. |
2,498 | *aggressively keeps eye contact with attractive people to let them know I mean business* |
2,499 | How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE |
2,500 | Never under estimate the value of stretching...the truth. |
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