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2,201 | My paper aeroplane won't fly. It's completely stationery. |
2,202 | You think you're pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone else's shower. |
2,203 | If I die in a fire, I want my last words on my grave... ... "I won't die, I'm 70% water!" |
2,204 | What's the best way to capitalize on an opportunity? ON AN OPPORTUNITY |
2,205 | 60 Second Lover I think my girlfriend has fucked sixty one people before me. She calls me her sixty second lover .... |
2,206 | What do you call a midget psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large |
2,207 | Girls, if you're gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas? |
2,208 | What's good on pie, but not on pussy? Crust. |
2,209 | What the difference between a calender and you.... a calendar has dates. |
2,210 | It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it's the right brand so it doesn't get the hose again. |
2,211 | Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock. |
2,212 | What happens to a tapeworm after it dies? It will be interred. |
2,213 | Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me. |
2,214 | Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq? |
2,215 | If a red panda is caught stealing, what do you call it? It was caught Red Panded |
2,216 | What do ants drink? Tea. It's an ant tea joke. |
2,217 | I don't need to run a marathon to load up on carbs and ask someone to wrap me up in a blanket. |
2,218 | Did you hear about the unfashionable mechanic? He needed to change attire. (I'm probably too proud of myself for making this one; someone's almost definitely done it before.) |
2,219 | I recently came into a very large sum of money so they fired me from my job at the bank. |
2,220 | How many dadaists does it take to change a lightbulb? Giraffe. |
2,221 | A small boy got lost at a baseball game... He went up to a police officer and said: "I've lost my dad." "What's he like?" asked the police officer sympathetically. The boy replied, "Beer and women." |
2,222 | Donald Trump wants to build a wall between USA and Mexico... It's okay, we have tunnels. |
2,223 | I can't remember what 51, 6 and 500 are in Roman numerals... fucking livid |
2,224 | The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar... It was in tense. |
2,225 | What's the difference between a blonde and an Airbus A380? Not everyone has been in an Airbus A380. |
2,226 | It's amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday. For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk. |
2,227 | Every time I don't clog a toilet I feel like I've gotten away with something |
2,228 | How many cannibals does it take to make a sandwich? Two. |
2,229 | Married men aren't allowed to go the grocery store alone because we're the kid in the shopping cart, but with money |
2,230 | I was asked how I view lesbian relationships. Apparently in HD wasn't the right answer. |
2,231 | If someone says you're a nice person, these things will happen: 1) They will ask you for a favor. 2) You will not get laid. |
2,232 | The word 'nothing' is a palindrome. 'Nothing' reversed is 'Gnihton' which also means nothing |
2,233 | What do kids like to eat in the playground? Recess Pieces. |
2,234 | I was asked to babysit once but it didn't go very well. You're not meant to sit on them. |
2,235 | How do jellyfish live without brains They are blond |
2,236 | i sold all my lizards to buy my girlfriend a Toyota Tundra but she sold her drivers license to buy me a awesome obstacle course for lizards |
2,237 | What's another word for "thesaurus"? Steven Wright joke, iirc. |
2,238 | Anonymous gets Alzheimer's They sign off: We are Anonymous, we are a legion, we do not forgive, we do not.... |
2,239 | What's brown and sticky? (wait! There's more...) What's brown and sticky? A Stick. What's brown, sticky and Yiddish? A schtick. |
2,240 | What has 142 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? My Zipper |
2,241 | How do you call a beautiful feminist? An oxymoron |
2,242 | Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?" |
2,243 | What do you call a nun that sleep walks? A roamin' catholic |
2,244 | I saw a badass preview for a new movie coming out! It said it was called "U.S. Marines" |
2,245 | *sticks switchblade into bag of NES cartridges, licks tip of knife, nods to boss* It's good. |
2,246 | Me: Girls' night in!!! Cat: I'm a cat. Me: You're my best friend. Cat: I'm not even a girl cat. Me: So it's like a date? Cat: Get help. |
2,247 | Dont drink and Derive Especially in Meth class |
2,248 | It's all fun and games until you lose your wifi signal. |
2,249 | Last night, Daredevil beat me up and took my money. I was robbed blind. |
2,250 | I wouldn't say my butt plug the best sex toy... but it's definitely up there. |
2,251 | My friend tried to get me with bird puns today... I told him toucan play that game. |
2,252 | In the earliest part of my life I was a man trapped inside a woman's body. Then mom gave birth to me. |
2,253 | I got mad at a rock today. I chopped it in half with my lightsaber. Now there are two rocks. Send help. Now. |
2,254 | Doctor says: "No sex for 6 weeks after birth." Me: Why? Did her vagina see its shadow? Doctor: Me: Doctor: Please tell me you're not the father. |
2,255 | We're gonna party like its 1999. //breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K// |
2,256 | I'm starting a dating app for people who live in Eastern Virginia I'm calling it Chesapeake BAE |
2,257 | Man! Did anyone else see the result of the Egypt vs Ethopia soccer game? Egypt: 8. Ethopia: Didn't. |
2,258 | what's the male equivolent of a widow? Free |
2,259 | *Britney Spears releases a new fragrance* *the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.* |
2,260 | [god creating ants] Anteater: finally |
2,261 | What did the Alligator say to the turtle? Can I bayou a drink? |
2,262 | How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus, the clowns don't talk. |
2,263 | main difference between /news/ mods and north korea? one side executes people for no reasons and puts people in detentions camps, the other one is a country. |
2,264 | pull my upvote |
2,265 | I went to the zoo the other day... The only animal they had was a small dog. It was a shih tzu |
2,266 | If Twitter has taught me anything it's that the best career choice is divorce lawyer. |
2,267 | Why do people love their smartphones so much? Because opposites attract. (Told to me by 2 students today, loved it!) |
2,268 | When someone says "I need this done yesterday" it's like I'm not going to be bossed around by someone who doesn't understand how time works |
2,269 | ran outta bowls so i filled the cups of a bra with peanuts on one side, chips on the other then carried it to the couch. im 26, available |
2,270 | They say that the best airing time is 20:00... ...but I think 19:59 is the real prime time. |
2,271 | If you don't get my Harry Potter references, there is something siriusly ron with you |
2,272 | How long does it take an Ethiopian Women to take a shit? 9 Months. |
2,273 | Real men don't cry...tears for real men are only unnecessary liquids in the body. |
2,274 | I sleep with a knife under my bed in case I can't open my midnight snacks. It also comes in handy if people try to steal them. |
2,275 | Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People. |
2,276 | What does a tech geek say when they're taking a shit? "Clearing my cache." |
2,277 | What do you call someone who knows all? Nostril-damus.   Works better if you read the joke out loud. |
2,278 | I read in the news today that a man in Los Angeles was killed when he got caught up in a turf war. I wonder if he was mowed down? |
2,279 | At jury duty they said, "You do not have to be fluent in English." So what you're supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent. |
2,280 | What happens when you mix a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite |
2,281 | The new Pope got Bird flu... ...I heard he caught it from one of his Cardinals. |
2,282 | Can't wait till bin Laden slips up and checks-in on Foursquare. |
2,283 | What does a Scotsman wear under his kilt? If it's a good day lipstick |
2,284 | Whats common between dark jokes and little kids with cancer... They never get old. |
2,285 | What do you call a Mexican that flies a plane? A pilot, you racist! |
2,286 | Why did the existential nihilist cross the road? Who cares. |
2,287 | You have the nicest syntax I've ever seen. |
2,288 | now this is really a joke i love to read jokes but theres no function to read the next joke so it is a lot of tedious clicks to get there |
2,289 | I like my women like I like my wine... Twelve years old and in the cellar. |
2,290 | Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump's security team came out of nowhere to deport me. |
2,291 | What's the difference between a slut and a bitch? A slut fucks everyone... A bitch fucks everyone but YOU. |
2,292 | A Russian asks another Russian if he's seen the new magic show in town. "Cock ta-da?" "Yeah, horror show." |
2,293 | What do you call a hobo with an afro? A frobo. |
2,294 | People say you never see ninjas but I see their girlfriends hanging around mosques all the damn time. |
2,295 | What does a landmine field and my pet friendly apartment complex have in common? It doesn't matter where you step, shit is about to happen |
2,296 | Why do rabbits love beer? Because it's made of hops. |
2,297 | A boy met a girl She:Every time u smile, I feel like inviting u to my place He(smiling):Why thank u.. are u single? She:No, I'm a dentist |
2,298 | My friend was raped by a teenager mutant ninja turtle. He wasn't wearing a mask, so we don't know which one did it. |
2,299 | A man walks into a bar... Just kidding |
2,300 | A man with a... A man with a twelve in penis can't spel. |
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