ysharma/short_jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

ID int64 1 232k	Joke stringlengths 10 200
2,301	What do you call an elf made of lego? Legolass
2,302	Have you guys seen this? Have you heard about this? Wow, what a tewwific audience.
2,303	Your vehicle has this magical lever That shows which direction you're turning
2,304	I have a friend visiting from out of town. What's your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
2,305	Why are there more female than male archeologists? They always want to find a new bone.
2,306	But were you called "dream wife" on the internet today? Oh, you were. By the same guy? I see.
2,307	Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL. "Your crush" has added you to list "Friend Zone".
2,308	Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it's girlfriend tells it to do.
2,309	What's the difference between my dick and my paycheck? I don't have to beg my wife to blow my paycheck.
2,310	Cigarettes aren't addicting Just look at me. I smoke all the time, and I'm not addicted.
2,311	What is a baby's favorite Fall Out Boy song? Thanks For The Mammaries
2,312	Two flies are sitting on a piece of shit. One fly cuts a fart. The other one says, "Hey! I'm eatin' here!"
2,313	9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she's so cute and at her dad's I went with all of it!
2,314	Most animals don't like gore. But leeches are suckers for blood.
2,315	Who's gonna be the next queen of R&B? I don't know yet but she's gonna be Beyondce!
2,316	New Reality Show: America's Next Top Proctologist. You only advance to the next round if you get two thumbs up.
2,317	When is the most likely time that a stray dog will walk into your house ? When the door is open !
2,318	What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
2,319	No end in sight... I can't see an end. I have no control. I don't think there's any escape. I don't even have a home anymore. Time for a new keyboard.
2,320	To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night, I'm not letting you out!
2,321	Did you hear about the terrorist suicide bombers rave party? I heard they had a blast.
2,322	Why would you never starve to death in a desert? Because you'd probably die of dehydration first. While a human can only go about a week without water, it can go up to three weeks without food.
2,323	What does a homeless man gets for Christmas? A cold.
2,324	cop approaches me "have u seen this girl?" holds up photo "yeah I've seen her, NAKED" hi-5 "haha but seriously shes in my trunk"
2,325	It's hard telling how many Kleenex I've fathered.
2,326	According to my neighbor's journal, I have "boundary issues."
2,327	"Bear with me" -A Russian bear trainer
2,328	ME: look a possum HER: actually it's spelled opossum ME: you don't no how I spelled it, we're talking HER: actually it's spelled know
2,329	An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a priest, a rabbi and Adolf Hitler walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
2,330	sends you a pic of a kitten you reply, "Awe" face melts responds, "We've been over this already, it's "Aww" deletes your number
2,331	A depressed Storm Trooper goes to the bar for some jager shots. He goes home sober.
2,332	I had the worst night last night.. The ghost of Gloria Gaynor appeared in front of my bed. At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.
2,333	Did you guys hear about the talking polar bear? He's very arcticulate! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
2,334	May be behind but what do you call a Curiosity with only 2 wheels Bi-curious
2,335	"how'd your football team football today?" those footballers footballed quite well...really good footballin'
2,336	What do you call the 1 yard line at the Super Bowl? ...A running play - Obviously...
2,337	Spent the day attempting crazy driving stunts because I forgot to read the fine print at the bottom of a car commercial.
2,338	ActivityBuddy A new app is sweeping the AppStore, using GPS technology similar to Grindr/ Tinder, ActivityBuddy matches up people who enjoy the same activity. The #1 activity? Anonymous gay sex.
2,339	If someone stole Sherlock Holmes' magnifying glass, how would he search for clues? Using watSonar
2,340	I went to the doctor yesterday I told him my penis suddenly turned into a tiny green ball. He said I may have peacock syndrome.
2,341	How do you make a space party? -You PLANet
2,342	Why do Steven Avery's victims see him naked from the waist down? Because his lawyers keep filing away his briefs.
2,343	Christian Bale won Best Supporting Actor for playing a mentally unstable drug addict.And then Charlie Sheen was like, "You can get an award for that?
2,344	What is the worst type of sand to have in your pants? Sandusky
2,345	Batman can safe the world ,but clark kent
2,346	Why are there no podiatrist generals? Because all they know is de feet
2,347	Egyptians don't walk like that.
2,348	Fart tutor wanted, must have references
2,349	Have you seen the movie Constipated? That's because it hasn't come out yet.
2,350	I don't know why beer companies bother with an expiration date... it's never going to make it anywhere near that.
2,351	Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?
2,352	What do you call a homosexual in a wheelchair? Rolaids.
2,353	I like Peter Dinklage in Game of Thrones But I like him better in smaller roles.
2,354	How do you get the most apples when bobbing at Halloween Wear a snorkel !
2,355	ME: hey baby HOT GIRL: ME: HOT GIRL: ME: HOT GIRL: ME: looks closer HOT GRILL: ME: oh
2,356	Ain't no sandwich when she's gone.
2,357	What do a redhead and a freezer have in common? They've both got ice on the inside.
2,358	Alabama changed the legal drinking age to 33. They're trying to keep it out of high schools.
2,359	Why are men smarter while having sex? Because they're plugged into a know it all.
2,360	I think it's time I throw away my fleshlight My masturbation is getting a little out of hand.
2,361	What do you get when Italians join ISIS? Baked Yazidi
2,362	LITTLE KNOWN FACT: The dye used to color Sesame Street's Elmo red is made from the blood of virgin Canadians.
2,363	What's the difference between a Lentil and a Chickpea? I wouldn't pay $200 to have a Lentil on my face.
2,364	if the plan is "eat pancakes now figure out life later" then yes everything is going according to plan
2,365	Tequila everyday keeps sobriety away
2,366	How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb? Who wants to know?
2,367	You know how they say "if you snooze you lose"... I snooze every morning and have never lost any sleep over it.
2,368	Why doesn't George R.R. Martin use a Twitter? Because he kills all 140 characters.
2,369	This one time I swallowed a gum and my mom told me that "it stays in your system forever," so I swallowed a table to stick it under it.
2,370	Steve Irwin will always be in our hearts Just like the stingray needle in his.
2,371	What do you call a record of everything that goes in and out of your ass? An ANALog.
2,372	Met a hooker who said she'd do anything for $5 So I had her repost a joke for me that's been posted 5,000 times in the past week
2,373	Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I'm sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
2,374	You know something, Jon Snow Lord Commander: "So, Jon Snow, is it true you have lain with a Wildling girl?" Jon Snow: "Yes, sir, it is true. But I have no Ygrittes."
2,375	Yes, I've been in love before. I've also had salmonella poisoning and you don't see me running back for seconds.
2,376	The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it. a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke
2,377	I became a vegan yesterday... ...but I tell you, it was a missed-steak.
2,378	Wanna see a banana split? Wait until it turns black and tell it he's the father.
2,379	Just tried to read an article that wasn't a list. Bunch of words, no GIFs, and it required me to think?? 0/10 would not recommend.
2,380	Just picked up some cologne from the .99 cent store because chicks dig it when I smell like back child support and restraining orders
2,381	How do you get a hippie chick pregnant? Cum on her shoes and let the flies do the rest
2,382	I got a new job! I got a great new job working for The Mint. I'm gonna make so much money! Also steal a bunch.
2,383	I'm holding a party for people who can never reach orgasm If you can't come let me know.
2,384	I forgot, what is the name they call themselves, the group that wants to form a new country in what is now Syria and Irak? They are the Nemesis of the USA.
2,385	Do you guys remember that party at Bill Cosby's last weekend? Me neither.
2,386	You do realize makeup isn't going to fix your stupidity?
2,387	Eating spicy food is like expressing your love to someone who has no interest in you... you always get burned in the end.
2,388	A way you can tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist ask them to pronounce the word 'unionized'
2,389	My cousin was one of the most ambitious people I ever knew. Unfortunately, he struggled with depression. His life motto? "Gosh darn it, I'm going to kill myself, or die trying!"
2,390	Of course everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but I gave yours to someone else.
2,391	If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don't need it to add up all the ladies you get....
2,392	Why is it fun to play with matches ? They're lit.
2,393	Why can't you hear a pterodactyl use the restroom? The P is silent.
2,394	Why are lumberjacks bad at online video games? Because their connections are so weak they are always logging out.
2,395	The bad news: I shaved off my beard. The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
2,396	I wish my thumbs had the power of Pandora. I would give people the thumbs down & they'd instantly disappear & be replaced w/ a better one.
2,397	What did one eye say to the other? Between you and me, something smells
2,398	Life is like photography, we develop from the negatives.
2,399	What happened to the dog that fell into a lens-grinding machine? He made a spectacle of himself.
2,400	My girlfriend played the cello and I loved it. But recently she gave up the cello and took up the violin, so I had to break up with her. Because I'm all about that bass, no treble.

2,301

What do you call an elf made of lego? Legolass

2,302

Have you guys seen this? Have you heard about this? Wow, what a tewwific audience.

2,303

Your vehicle has this magical lever That shows which direction you're turning

2,304

I have a friend visiting from out of town. What's your fave place in LA to look at your phone??

2,305

Why are there more female than male archeologists? They always want to find a new bone.

2,306

But were you called "dream wife" on the internet today? Oh, you were. By the same guy? I see.

2,307

Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL. "Your crush" has added you to list "Friend Zone".

2,308

Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it's girlfriend tells it to do.

2,309

What's the difference between my dick and my paycheck? I don't have to beg my wife to blow my paycheck.

2,310

Cigarettes aren't addicting Just look at me. I smoke all the time, and I'm not addicted.

2,311

What is a baby's favorite Fall Out Boy song? Thanks For The Mammaries

2,312

Two flies are sitting on a piece of shit. One fly cuts a fart. The other one says, "Hey! I'm eatin' here!"

2,313

9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she's so cute and at her dad's I went with all of it!

2,314

Most animals don't like gore. But leeches are suckers for blood.

2,315

Who's gonna be the next queen of R&B? I don't know yet but she's gonna be Beyondce!

2,316

New Reality Show: America's Next Top Proctologist. You only advance to the next round if you get two thumbs up.

2,317

When is the most likely time that a stray dog will walk into your house ? When the door is open !

2,318

What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?

2,319

No end in sight... I can't see an end. I have no control. I don't think there's any escape. I don't even have a home anymore. Time for a new keyboard.

2,320

To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night, I'm not letting you out!

2,321

Did you hear about the terrorist suicide bombers rave party? I heard they had a blast.

2,322

Why would you never starve to death in a desert? Because you'd probably die of dehydration first. While a human can only go about a week without water, it can go up to three weeks without food.

2,323

What does a homeless man gets for Christmas? A cold.

2,324

*cop approaches me* "have u seen this girl?" *holds up photo* "yeah I've seen her, NAKED" *hi-5* "haha but seriously shes in my trunk"

2,325

It's hard telling how many Kleenex I've fathered.

2,326

According to my neighbor's journal, I have "boundary issues."

2,327

"Bear with me" -A Russian bear trainer

2,328

ME: look a possum HER: actually it's spelled opossum ME: you don't no how I spelled it, we're talking HER: actually it's spelled know

2,329

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a priest, a rabbi and Adolf Hitler walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

2,330

*sends you a pic of a kitten* *you reply, "Awe"* *face melts* *responds, "We've been over this already, it's "Aww"* *deletes your number*

2,331

A depressed Storm Trooper goes to the bar for some jager shots. He goes home sober.

2,332

I had the worst night last night.. The ghost of Gloria Gaynor appeared in front of my bed. At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.

2,333

Did you guys hear about the talking polar bear? He's very arcticulate! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

2,334

May be behind but what do you call a Curiosity with only 2 wheels Bi-curious

2,335

"how'd your football team football today?" those footballers footballed quite well...really good footballin'

2,336

What do you call the 1 yard line at the Super Bowl? ...A running play - Obviously...

2,337

Spent the day attempting crazy driving stunts because I forgot to read the fine print at the bottom of a car commercial.

2,338

ActivityBuddy A new app is sweeping the AppStore, using GPS technology similar to Grindr/ Tinder, ActivityBuddy matches up people who enjoy the same activity. The #1 activity? Anonymous gay sex.

2,339

If someone stole Sherlock Holmes' magnifying glass, how would he search for clues? Using watSonar

2,340

I went to the doctor yesterday I told him my penis suddenly turned into a tiny green ball. He said I may have peacock syndrome.

2,341

How do you make a space party? -You PLANet

2,342

Why do Steven Avery's victims see him naked from the waist down? Because his lawyers keep filing away his briefs.

2,343

Christian Bale won Best Supporting Actor for playing a mentally unstable drug addict.And then Charlie Sheen was like, "You can get an award for that?

2,344

What is the worst type of sand to have in your pants? Sandusky

2,345

Batman can safe the world ,but clark kent

2,346

Why are there no podiatrist generals? Because all they know is de feet

2,347

Egyptians don't walk like that.

2,348

Fart tutor wanted, must have references

2,349

Have you seen the movie Constipated? That's because it hasn't come out yet.

2,350

I don't know why beer companies bother with an expiration date... it's never going to make it anywhere near that.

2,351

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?

2,352

What do you call a homosexual in a wheelchair? Rolaids.

2,353

I like Peter Dinklage in Game of Thrones But I like him better in smaller roles.

2,354

How do you get the most apples when bobbing at Halloween Wear a snorkel !

2,355

ME: hey baby HOT GIRL: ME: HOT GIRL: ME: HOT GIRL: ME: *looks closer* HOT GRILL: ME: oh

2,356

Ain't no sandwich when she's gone.

2,357

What do a redhead and a freezer have in common? They've both got ice on the inside.

2,358

Alabama changed the legal drinking age to 33. They're trying to keep it out of high schools.

2,359

Why are men smarter while having sex? Because they're plugged into a know it all.

2,360

I think it's time I throw away my fleshlight My masturbation is getting a little out of hand.

2,361

What do you get when Italians join ISIS? Baked Yazidi

2,362

LITTLE KNOWN FACT: The dye used to color Sesame Street's Elmo red is made from the blood of virgin Canadians.

2,363

What's the difference between a Lentil and a Chickpea? I wouldn't pay $200 to have a Lentil on my face.

2,364

if the plan is "eat pancakes now figure out life later" then yes everything is going according to plan

2,365

Tequila everyday keeps sobriety away

2,366

How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb? Who wants to know?

2,367

You know how they say "if you snooze you lose"... I snooze every morning and have never lost any sleep over it.

2,368

Why doesn't George R.R. Martin use a Twitter? Because he kills all 140 characters.

2,369

This one time I swallowed a gum and my mom told me that "it stays in your system forever," so I swallowed a table to stick it under it.

2,370

Steve Irwin will always be in our hearts Just like the stingray needle in his.

2,371

What do you call a record of everything that goes in and out of your ass? An ANALog.

2,372

Met a hooker who said she'd do anything for $5 So I had her repost a joke for me that's been posted 5,000 times in the past week

2,373

Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I'm sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.

2,374

You know something, Jon Snow Lord Commander: "So, Jon Snow, is it true you have lain with a Wildling girl?" Jon Snow: "Yes, sir, it is true. But I have no Ygrittes."

2,375

Yes, I've been in love before. I've also had salmonella poisoning and you don't see me running back for seconds.

2,376

The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it. *a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*

2,377

I became a vegan yesterday... ...but I tell you, it was a missed-steak.

2,378

Wanna see a banana split? Wait until it turns black and tell it he's the father.

2,379

Just tried to read an article that wasn't a list. Bunch of words, no GIFs, and it required me to think?? 0/10 would not recommend.

2,380

Just picked up some cologne from the .99 cent store because chicks dig it when I smell like back child support and restraining orders

2,381

How do you get a hippie chick pregnant? Cum on her shoes and let the flies do the rest

2,382

I got a new job! I got a great new job working for The Mint. I'm gonna make so much money! Also steal a bunch.

2,383

I'm holding a party for people who can never reach orgasm If you can't come let me know.

2,384

I forgot, what is the name they call themselves, the group that wants to form a new country in what is now Syria and Irak? They are the Nemesis of the USA.

2,385

Do you guys remember that party at Bill Cosby's last weekend? Me neither.

2,386

You do realize makeup isn't going to fix your stupidity?

2,387

Eating spicy food is like expressing your love to someone who has no interest in you... you always get burned in the end.

2,388

A way you can tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist ask them to pronounce the word 'unionized'

2,389

My cousin was one of the most ambitious people I ever knew. Unfortunately, he struggled with depression. His life motto? "Gosh darn it, I'm going to kill myself, or die trying!"

2,390

Of course everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but I gave yours to someone else.

2,391

If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don't need it to add up all the ladies you get....

2,392

Why is it fun to play with matches ? They're lit.

2,393

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl use the restroom? The P is silent.

2,394

Why are lumberjacks bad at online video games? Because their connections are so weak they are always logging out.

2,395

The bad news: I shaved off my beard. The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.

2,396

I wish my thumbs had the power of Pandora. I would give people the thumbs down & they'd instantly disappear & be replaced w/ a better one.

2,397

What did one eye say to the other? Between you and me, something smells

2,398

Life is like photography, we develop from the negatives.

2,399

What happened to the dog that fell into a lens-grinding machine? He made a spectacle of himself.

2,400

My girlfriend played the cello and I loved it. But recently she gave up the cello and took up the violin, so I had to break up with her. Because I'm all about that bass, no treble.