ysharma/short_jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

ID int64 1 232k	Joke stringlengths 10 200
2,001	Dear women, you're all fucking crazy. Signed, every dude.
2,002	Viagra Tea Does nothing for your sexual vigour, but stops your biscuit going soft.
2,003	What's the slipperiest country? Greece!
2,004	Who is the Gorillas' favourite playwright? Eugene O'Neill - who wrote 'The Hairy Ape!'
2,005	You did yoga. You didn't negotiate a peace treaty. Stop walking around like that.
2,006	What should you do if you find a snake sleeping in your bed ? Sleep in the wardrobe !
2,007	My ex-girlfriend once said "It's either me or Twitter." I wonder how she's doing.
2,008	What did one dairy cow say to another? Got milk?
2,009	My children annoy me so I'm leaving everything in my will to a nap I took in 2007.
2,010	How many fat people does it take to get a subreddit banned? [This post has been banned for your protected - Ellen Pao] ^^^NINJAEDIT: ^^^Just ^^^one
2,011	Some people say I dream too much, I say it's just because my life is better than their dreams are.
2,012	How do you stop Carlos Santana from molesting your children? You put a guitar in his hands.
2,013	When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work. Can't reward bad behavior with a positive response. Training works both ways
2,014	I've just been refused entry to the National Alzheimer's conference. "Do you know who I am?" I shouted.
2,015	Trump is asked what his position on women's issues Trump replies "Look, I know a lot of women and they all have issues"
2,016	By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it's raining in Sweden. How the hell am I supposed to know if it's raining in Sweden?
2,017	why don't melons run away to get married? because they cantaloupe
2,018	"Pardon me miss, but would you mind moving out of the way?" --Polite Ludacris
2,019	if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
2,020	What do you call conjoined dolphins Dual porpoise
2,021	I was gonna make a gay joke... But Fuck that
2,022	Mt. Everest has lost its record status ... ... now that a British astronaut is Earth's highest Peake.
2,023	Any subreddits to help you cope with schizophrenia? Asking for a friend
2,024	Confucius say... Man who go to bed with sex in mind, wake up with solution in hand.
2,025	Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
2,026	Putting the dog down today. Gonna start by telling him he has a big nose.
2,027	The nice thing about being a pessimist is that in the end you are either pleasantly surprised or you have the satisfaction of knowing you were right all along.
2,028	So if Mary had Jesus, and Jesus was the Lamb of God... ... Does that mean Mary had a little lamb?
2,029	dumbledore: our enchanted ceiling shows us wat the sky outside looks like mcgonagall: so...a magic glass ceiling dumbledore: [starts sweating]
2,030	Sometimes when I'm sad, I'll go to the park and, from a distance, look thru my thumb and index finger and begin squishing people's heads...
2,031	What's the difference between magic and black magic? Black magic doesn't work.
2,032	What is that the more you desire, the less you can get? Beautiful girls.
2,033	A man walks into a bar... His friends ducked.
2,034	I fucked up making my coffee today \#nofilter
2,035	I just got fired for putting my penis in the pickle slicer at the restaurant where I work She only got docked a week's pay
2,036	Why did so many jews die at Auschwitz? Because the exit doors were coin operated.
2,037	What do you call a slow hurricane? A slowicane.
2,038	What Should I Do Today? Eat A Bomb?Nuke A Toaster?Ride Nyan Cat Into Space?Bomb ISIS?Oh Theres Just So Much You Can Do!
2,039	I heard this amazing joke the other day, made me laugh so hard. Unfortunately I seem to have forgotten it.
2,040	Every horse you've ever seen has two people inside them. Horses aren't real. Commitment is.
2,041	looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road i'm thinking Arby'sTM
2,042	LPT: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine into your brain,and that's where shitty ideas come from.
2,043	A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today. My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
2,044	A double-amputee walks into a bar Then he remembers he's already legless and walks out again.
2,045	How much does it cost for a pirate to get their ears pierced? A Buccaneer.
2,046	What did the elephant say to the man? Cute, but how do you pick up peanuts with it?
2,047	I just took the Bruce Lee of dumps. It fucked my ass all up.
2,048	What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates : 1. Nice shirt 2. Wow, a second nice shirt. 3. Okay, first shirt again. 4. He has two shirts.
2,049	[gf comes home after spray tanning] Hey, orange you looking good! "Thanks" Anytime, pumpkin! "You're sweet" You're one in vermillion!
2,050	Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old's lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
2,051	First Date Me: Flirting You have to promise not to fall in love with me. Him: There's cheese in your hair. And we haven't eaten yet.
2,052	What's the difference between a weasel and a stoat? One's weasily recognised - the other's stoatally different
2,053	Dear guys wearing skinny jeans, I... Can't.... Breathe.... Sincerely, your damn balls.
2,054	What do you call a bearded gardener? Hairy Potter
2,055	I thought I really understood what I was thinking, and then I spoke.
2,056	Sorry about your street cred, black guys named Milton.
2,057	What's the hardest thing about being a pedophile? Just trying to fit in, really.
2,058	Volkswagen How many Jews Can you fit in a Volkswagen? 2 in the front, 3 in the back, and 6 million in the ashtray
2,059	What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has NO EL.
2,060	Where was Timmy when the bomb fell? Everywhere.
2,061	What does a preverted frog say? Rubbit.
2,062	The cops did a high-risk raid on a drug operation located at a barn I guess you could say it was a high steak operation
2,063	The punchline comes first. How can you be sure that a comedian has traveled back in time?
2,064	Choose a major you love and you won't have to work for a day in your life Because that major probably has no jobs (not an original)
2,065	Why do people dislike the new iPhone 7 so much? It can't do jack shit.
2,066	What do you call an aligator in a vest? investigator
2,067	My bathroom smells like somebody just took a shit when I walked out of it.
2,068	What is the most affectionate type of chicken? The tender ones (Badum Tss)
2,069	If you're in college, what do you do when your flatmate has an epileptic seizure in the bathtub? ...throw in your dirty laundry.
2,070	"Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Maryland State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years."
2,071	"Liquor in the front, poker in the back" is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church's charity poker team... I know that now.
2,072	Did some stand up at a bird sanctuary... They were eating out of the palm of my hands.
2,073	what is the most confusing day in the ghetto? father's day
2,074	My friend bought a choir girl zombie costume for Halloween. She put it on and said, "Am I menacing?" I said, "Of course, you're a choir girl."
2,075	Saudi Arabia... ...is on the United Nations Human Rights Council.
2,076	The definition of mixed emotions... My mother-in-law driving of a cliff in my new car
2,077	What sex position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.
2,078	Phone on silent. 10 missed calls. Turns volume to loudest. Nobody calls All damn Day.
2,079	It was recently discovered that Pluto is not actually a dog.
2,080	Ever hear the one about the deaf guy? Neither did he.
2,081	I used to go out with a Welsh girl who had 36DDs. I had no idea how to pronounce her name.
2,082	I'm getting tired of riding to work from New Jersey to Manhattan with my neighbors I guess I'm getting Carpool Tunnel syndrome
2,083	Q: What did one candle say to the other candle? A: Are you going out tonight?
2,084	LISA GOPMAN: EATING DISORDER For as long as I can remember, I've had an eating disorder: reverse anorexia. It's when I look in the mirror and think I'm really skinny.
2,085	What do you call a group of armed nuns enforcing the status quo? a force of habit
2,086	When I get heavier, I am actually easier to pick up. What am I? A woman
2,087	100% of Nickelback fans drive drunk.
2,088	[therapy] WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
2,089	I for one... ... love Roman numerals.
2,090	What's big and grey and protects you from the rain ? An umbrellaphant !
2,091	Ever want to have rodeo sex? Get on top and call her by the wrong name and try and hold on for 8 seconds.
2,092	Half of all marriages end in divorce... The other half end in death.
2,093	Nothing says "We have no faith in our own products" like using a 16 year old girl in your anti-aging cream commercials.
2,094	Republicans say it's raining; Democrats say it's sunny. Rather than go outside and see for themselves, the media reports the controversy.
2,095	I think a duck's opinion of me, is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread!
2,096	What would you call the Fantastic Four if Snoop Dogg joined the team? The High Five
2,097	Yeah, I guess you could say I "rescued" my dog. I did stop him right before he was gonna start his own podcast
2,098	Your momma so fat... Her aides close lanes on the George Washington Bridge
2,099	"I love my Job!" -Job's wife
2,100	TRUMP: Let's get that Muslim Band going "Band? We thought you said ban" TRUMP: No way, that's harsh. Also, how's that Mexican mall coming?

2,001

Dear women, you're all fucking crazy. Signed, every dude.

2,002

Viagra Tea Does nothing for your sexual vigour, but stops your biscuit going soft.

2,003

What's the slipperiest country? Greece!

2,004

Who is the Gorillas' favourite playwright? Eugene O'Neill - who wrote 'The Hairy Ape!'

2,005

You did yoga. You didn't negotiate a peace treaty. Stop walking around like that.

2,006

What should you do if you find a snake sleeping in your bed ? Sleep in the wardrobe !

2,007

My ex-girlfriend once said "It's either me or Twitter." I wonder how she's doing.

2,008

What did one dairy cow say to another? Got milk?

2,009

My children annoy me so I'm leaving everything in my will to a nap I took in 2007.

2,010

How many fat people does it take to get a subreddit banned? [This post has been banned for your protected - Ellen Pao] ^^^NINJAEDIT: ^^^Just ^^^one

2,011

Some people say I dream too much, I say it's just because my life is better than their dreams are.

2,012

How do you stop Carlos Santana from molesting your children? You put a guitar in his hands.

2,013

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work. Can't reward bad behavior with a positive response. Training works both ways

2,014

I've just been refused entry to the National Alzheimer's conference. "Do you know who I am?" I shouted.

2,015

Trump is asked what his position on women's issues Trump replies "Look, I know a lot of women and they all have issues"

2,016

By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it's raining in Sweden. How the hell am I supposed to know if it's raining in Sweden?

2,017

why don't melons run away to get married? because they cantaloupe

2,018

"Pardon me miss, but would you mind moving out of the way?" --Polite Ludacris

2,019

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

2,020

What do you call conjoined dolphins Dual porpoise

2,021

I was gonna make a gay joke... But Fuck that

2,022

Mt. Everest has lost its record status ... ... now that a British astronaut is Earth's highest Peake.

2,023

Any subreddits to help you cope with schizophrenia? Asking for a friend

2,024

Confucius say... Man who go to bed with sex in mind, wake up with solution in hand.

2,025

Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

2,026

Putting the dog down today. Gonna start by telling him he has a big nose.

2,027

The nice thing about being a pessimist is that in the end you are either pleasantly surprised or you have the satisfaction of knowing you were right all along.

2,028

So if Mary had Jesus, and Jesus was the Lamb of God... ... Does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

2,029

dumbledore: our enchanted ceiling shows us wat the sky outside looks like mcgonagall: so...a magic glass ceiling dumbledore: [starts sweating]

2,030

Sometimes when I'm sad, I'll go to the park and, from a distance, look thru my thumb and index finger and begin squishing people's heads...

2,031

What's the difference between magic and black magic? Black magic doesn't work.

2,032

What is that the more you desire, the less you can get? Beautiful girls.

2,033

A man walks into a bar... His friends ducked.

2,034

I fucked up making my coffee today \#nofilter

2,035

I just got fired for putting my penis in the pickle slicer at the restaurant where I work She only got docked a week's pay

2,036

Why did so many jews die at Auschwitz? Because the exit doors were coin operated.

2,037

What do you call a slow hurricane? A slowicane.

2,038

What Should I Do Today? Eat A Bomb?Nuke A Toaster?Ride Nyan Cat Into Space?Bomb ISIS?Oh Theres Just So Much You Can Do!

2,039

I heard this amazing joke the other day, made me laugh so hard. Unfortunately I seem to have forgotten it.

2,040

Every horse you've ever seen has two people inside them. Horses aren't real. Commitment is.

2,041

*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i'm thinking Arby'sTM

2,042

LPT: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine into your brain,and that's where shitty ideas come from.

2,043

A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today. My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

2,044

A double-amputee walks into a bar Then he remembers he's already legless and walks out again.

2,045

How much does it cost for a pirate to get their ears pierced? A Buccaneer.

2,046

What did the elephant say to the man? Cute, but how do you pick up peanuts with it?

2,047

I just took the Bruce Lee of dumps. It fucked my ass all up.

2,048

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates : 1. Nice shirt 2. Wow, a second nice shirt. 3. Okay, first shirt again. 4. He has two shirts.

2,049

[gf comes home after spray tanning] Hey, orange you looking good! "Thanks" Anytime, pumpkin! "You're sweet" You're one in vermillion!

2,050

Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old's lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.

2,051

*First Date* Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me. Him: There's cheese in your hair. And we haven't eaten yet.

2,052

What's the difference between a weasel and a stoat? One's weasily recognised - the other's stoatally different

2,053

Dear guys wearing skinny jeans, I... Can't.... Breathe.... Sincerely, your damn balls.

2,054

What do you call a bearded gardener? Hairy Potter

2,055

I thought I really understood what I was thinking, and then I spoke.

2,056

Sorry about your street cred, black guys named Milton.

2,057

What's the hardest thing about being a pedophile? Just trying to fit in, really.

2,058

Volkswagen How many Jews Can you fit in a Volkswagen? 2 in the front, 3 in the back, and 6 million in the ashtray

2,059

What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has NO EL.

2,060

Where was Timmy when the bomb fell? Everywhere.

2,061

What does a preverted frog say? Rubbit.

2,062

The cops did a high-risk raid on a drug operation located at a barn I guess you could say it was a *high steak operation*

2,063

The punchline comes first. How can you be sure that a comedian has traveled back in time?

2,064

Choose a major you love and you won't have to work for a day in your life Because that major probably has no jobs (not an original)

2,065

Why do people dislike the new iPhone 7 so much? It can't do jack shit.

2,066

What do you call an aligator in a vest? investigator

2,067

My bathroom smells like somebody just took a shit when I walked out of it.

2,068

What is the most affectionate type of chicken? The tender ones (Badum Tss)

2,069

If you're in college, what do you do when your flatmate has an epileptic seizure in the bathtub? ...throw in your dirty laundry.

2,070

"Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Maryland State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years."

2,071

"Liquor in the front, poker in the back" is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church's charity poker team... I know that now.

2,072

Did some stand up at a bird sanctuary... They were eating out of the palm of my hands.

2,073

what is the most confusing day in the ghetto? father's day

2,074

My friend bought a choir girl zombie costume for Halloween. She put it on and said, "Am I menacing?" I said, "Of course, you're a choir girl."

2,075

Saudi Arabia... ...is on the United Nations Human Rights Council.

2,076

The definition of mixed emotions... My mother-in-law driving of a cliff in my new car

2,077

What sex position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.

2,078

Phone on silent. 10 missed calls. Turns volume to loudest. Nobody calls All damn Day.

2,079

It was recently discovered that Pluto is not actually a dog.

2,080

Ever hear the one about the deaf guy? Neither did he.

2,081

I used to go out with a Welsh girl who had 36DDs. I had no idea how to pronounce her name.

2,082

I'm getting tired of riding to work from New Jersey to Manhattan with my neighbors I guess I'm getting Carpool Tunnel syndrome

2,083

Q: What did one candle say to the other candle? A: Are you going out tonight?

2,084

LISA GOPMAN: EATING DISORDER For as long as I can remember, I've had an eating disorder: reverse anorexia. It's when I look in the mirror and think I'm really skinny.

2,085

What do you call a group of armed nuns enforcing the status quo? a force of habit

2,086

When I get heavier, I am actually easier to pick up. What am I? A woman

2,087

100% of Nickelback fans drive drunk.

2,088

[therapy] WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny

2,089

I for one... ... love Roman numerals.

2,090

What's big and grey and protects you from the rain ? An umbrellaphant !

2,091

Ever want to have rodeo sex? Get on top and call her by the wrong name and try and hold on for 8 seconds.

2,092

Half of all marriages end in divorce... The other half end in death.

2,093

Nothing says "We have no faith in our own products" like using a 16 year old girl in your anti-aging cream commercials.

2,094

Republicans say it's raining; Democrats say it's sunny. Rather than go outside and see for themselves, the media reports the controversy.

2,095

I think a duck's opinion of me, is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread!

2,096

What would you call the Fantastic Four if Snoop Dogg joined the team? The High Five

2,097

Yeah, I guess you could say I "rescued" my dog. I did stop him right before he was gonna start his own podcast

2,098

Your momma so fat... Her aides close lanes on the George Washington Bridge

2,099

"I love my Job!" -Job's wife

2,100

TRUMP: Let's get that Muslim Band going "Band? We thought you said ban" TRUMP: No way, that's harsh. Also, how's that Mexican mall coming?