ysharma/short_jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

ID int64 1 232k	Joke stringlengths 10 200
1,901	At first I didn't know how to dig a trench but then I got to the bottom of it.
1,902	Internet went down last night My neighbour added a password
1,903	But if two men get married, they'll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
1,904	60% of African American girls agree to giving me a blowjob I guess you could call it a 3/5's compromise
1,905	What does my physics professor have in common with Gandalf? YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!
1,906	Which mafia boss came with all the dlc? John Goty
1,907	Yo mama is so Black that she went to the funeral naked!
1,908	I wipe my ass like I drive... Only stop on red
1,909	If you made a triangle with sticks... would it be twigonometry?
1,910	Q: How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
1,911	Why does a fetus have more rights than a women? Because a fetus still have a chance to become a Man
1,912	Snowballs Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? A: Snowballs.
1,913	Fruit roll ups I went to the supermarket and asked a clerk if they had fruit roll ups, he then called his gay manager to hug me.
1,914	What do you call an angry paraplegic? A steamed vegetable.
1,915	The Blonde Waitress Customer: Can I have some coffee without cream please? Blonde Waitress: We are fresh out of cream, sir. Can I bring you coffee without milk instead?
1,916	Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
1,917	Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say "Hello".At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
1,918	I'm more of an amateur bater. I agree, I need more practice.
1,919	Two hillbillies were playing chess..
1,920	I saw that show locked up abroad. I expected to see more than just a women getting locked up. But that's all it was, that show is so literal.
1,921	The problem with being gay It's a pain in the ass
1,922	Two twins are looking through a family photo album "It's not you, it's me" They both say in unison.
1,923	Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I'm like HOLY CRAP I'M OUTSIDE.
1,924	My car starts to hydroplane. I let go & whisper, "Do it. Become the plane you've always dreamed of. I love you." Soft kiss
1,925	My girlfriend wants me to take her to Paris, and treat her like a princess The only thing is, I don't know which to pick: the guillotine or the Mercedes.
1,926	James Bond walks into a bar... James Bond walks into a bar and sits next to a chicken. Chicken: What's your name? Bond: My name's Bond. James Bond. Chicken: Nice to meet you, I'm Ken. Chick Ken.
1,927	Why do black people only have nightmares? Because we killed the only one with a dream.
1,928	How do you troll someone? Make them wipe their screen because they think text is a smudge.
1,929	Mad Libs inventor died today of POOPING. He is survived by his PIZZA CHEESE and his LAWN DARTS. He will be A DINOSAUR.
1,930	Who is never hungry at Christmas ? The turkey - he's always stuffed !
1,931	Q: Two musicians are walking down the street and one says to the other "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?" A: The other replies "That was no piccolo that was my fife."
1,932	There is this new awesome technology to do group chats... It's called "put your damn phone away and join the conversation!"
1,933	What's the best city to search the World Wide Web in? Rome.
1,934	What do women and hurricanes have in common? When they come, they're wet and wild. When they leave, they take your house and your car
1,935	Why do we drive on parkways when we park on driveways?
1,936	Women always say they want security... When I'm around.
1,937	What's an owl's favourite pin code? 2820!!!!!!!!
1,938	Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
1,939	Why is Man Utd's chemistry lacking? Because they are held together by weak van den Gaal's forces.
1,940	What kind of soap do Middle Eastern citizens use? Arab spring
1,941	Duck walks into a pharmacy and asks for some lip balm. "Certainly sir, will that be cash or credit?" "Just put it on my bill."
1,942	what's green and floats? a leaf
1,943	Uncle Frank's will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store. He will be mist.
1,944	I'm a masochist. I downvote myself.
1,945	I'd also tell you a joke about how my balls hang. . . But that's too low.
1,946	I came up with a movie idea. A man's daughter is abducted. This man has has a unique set of skills and goes on a revenge rampage. But the idea was taken.
1,947	I saw a girl texting while driving the other day.. it really pissed me off, so I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.
1,948	Where is Macau located? In MaFarm
1,949	They took my mood ring... ...and I don't know how i feel about it.
1,950	Hands down half 6 is my favourite time of day.
1,951	Chicks... ...they only get laid once.
1,952	How do you comfort a grammar nazi? Pat him or her on the back and say, "Their, they're..."
1,953	What do you call a policeman with blonde hair ? A fair cop !
1,954	The person who came up with "happily ever after" probably didn't realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
1,955	I'm selling my Theremin.... I haven't touched it in years.
1,956	what type of shoes do artists wear? sketchers
1,957	Just bought some local farm-fresh free-range artisanal organic grass-fed hormone-free something or other that makes me better than you.
1,958	Happiness is like peeing in your pants ...everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth.
1,959	I love Alfredo sauce. Unless you're a dude named Alfredo.
1,960	Some coworkers remind me of my ex, because I would jump in front of a bus to get out of a conversation with them too.
1,961	"we can put a man on the moon but ___________" (insert issue that is vastly different)
1,962	Did u guys know u can smoke Newports on Delta flights
1,963	A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says... "What's with the steering wheel on the front of your pants?" The pirate says, "Argh!! I don't know but it's driving me testicles!!!"
1,964	what's worse than having a cold right before a job interview ? the holocaust
1,965	What's the difference between /r/jokes and your mom? Your mom is funny.
1,966	Q: What did the snail say as he rode on the back of a turtle? A: Wheeee!
1,967	What do you get when you cross Holy Water with castor oil? A religious movement!
1,968	What's the difference between awkward and awful? Awkward is finding your mom on Tinder, awful is matching with her
1,969	They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
1,970	Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a "thirsty boy"
1,971	What separates the men from the boys? Operation Yewtree.
1,972	Why did Newton's wife got pregnant? Because he doesn't believe in using quantum
1,973	A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
1,974	Why shouldn't you drink at a math party? Because you shouldn't drink and derive.
1,975	I was going to say a gay joke but fuck it.
1,976	Why are sergeants so successful in physical contests? Three stripes, you rout.
1,977	What is CC Sabathia's favorite inning to pitch in baseball? The bottom of the fifth
1,978	Girls hope you celebrated Valentines Day responsibly, or you'll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward
1,979	You know what's worse than your tribal tattoo? The story about why you got it.
1,980	How do sheep greet each other at Christmas ? A merry Christmas to ewe
1,981	What's the difference between a boy scout and a Jew? One gets a badge for lighting stuff on fire, while the other gets a badge for being lit on fire.
1,982	Just farted and it sounded like Louis Armstrong saying the word "blueberry" with his mouth full.
1,983	What do you call a cow stuck in a hurricane? A milkshake.
1,984	As my friend confessed, "My teenage daughter never even talks to me," I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
1,985	[texting] WIFE: need to talk when u get home ME: about what WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home ME: never goes home
1,986	Me: to dog what should I wear today bud? Dog: pants
1,987	Did you hear that they are building massive oscillating blades in New York? I wasn't a big fan of the idea
1,988	What do you call an Irish man who won't leave your porch? Paddy O' furniture
1,989	Why do people even like anal? It's fucking shit.
1,990	Cleaning the Attic Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Hey - get out! We don't want your type in here!''
1,991	Pinocchio When did Pinocchio learn he was made of wood? when his hand caught fire!!
1,992	What is the difference between rat poison and diet coke? Diet coke has better advertising.
1,993	Shoplifting or rape If you have sex with a prostitue and pay with a cheque that bounces is it shoplifting or rape?
1,994	Count Chocula cereal is the perfect combination of breakfast and fear.
1,995	I'd do well in a zombie apocalypse because I'm near sighted, get cramps if I don't get enough potassium and my only skill is googling things
1,996	If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
1,997	Snoop walks into a classroom Snoop: Tell me about the Big Bong Theory Teacher: It's the Big Bang Theory Snoops walks out disappointed
1,998	Did you hear about the wooden car with the wooden engine, the wooden doors and the wooden chassis? It wooden go.
1,999	I forgot :( Whilst climbing in the roof space to get down the kids Christmas gifts, I found a present I'd forgotten last year. Such a shame - they would have loved that puppy.
2,000	I've decided my tweets sound better when I say them so instead of tweeting I'm just gonna call all of you when I think of stuff.

1,901

At first I didn't know how to dig a trench but then I got to the bottom of it.

1,902

Internet went down last night My neighbour added a password

1,903

But if two men get married, they'll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.

1,904

60% of African American girls agree to giving me a blowjob I guess you could call it a 3/5's compromise

1,905

What does my physics professor have in common with Gandalf? YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!

1,906

Which mafia boss came with all the dlc? John Goty

1,907

Yo mama is so Black that she went to the funeral naked!

1,908

I wipe my ass like I drive... Only stop on red

1,909

If you made a triangle with sticks... would it be twigonometry?

1,910

Q: How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.

1,911

Why does a fetus have more rights than a women? Because a fetus still have a chance to become a Man

1,912

Snowballs Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? A: Snowballs.

1,913

Fruit roll ups I went to the supermarket and asked a clerk if they had fruit roll ups, he then called his gay manager to hug me.

1,914

What do you call an angry paraplegic? A steamed vegetable.

1,915

The Blonde Waitress Customer: Can I have some coffee without cream please? Blonde Waitress: We are fresh out of cream, sir. Can I bring you coffee without milk instead?

1,916

Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.

1,917

Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say "Hello".At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.

1,918

I'm more of an amateur bater. I agree, I need more practice.

1,919

Two hillbillies were playing chess..

1,920

I saw that show locked up abroad. I expected to see more than just a women getting locked up. But that's all it was, that show is so literal.

1,921

The problem with being gay It's a pain in the ass

1,922

Two twins are looking through a family photo album "It's not you, it's me" They both say in unison.

1,923

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I'm like HOLY CRAP I'M OUTSIDE.

1,924

My car starts to hydroplane. I let go & whisper, "Do it. Become the plane you've always dreamed of. I love you." *Soft kiss*

1,925

My girlfriend wants me to take her to Paris, and treat her like a princess The only thing is, I don't know which to pick: the guillotine or the Mercedes.

1,926

James Bond walks into a bar... James Bond walks into a bar and sits next to a chicken. Chicken: What's your name? Bond: My name's Bond. James Bond. Chicken: Nice to meet you, I'm Ken. Chick Ken.

1,927

Why do black people only have nightmares? Because we killed the only one with a dream.

1,928

How do you troll someone? Make them wipe their screen because they think text is a smudge.

1,929

Mad Libs inventor died today of POOPING. He is survived by his PIZZA CHEESE and his LAWN DARTS. He will be A DINOSAUR.

1,930

Who is never hungry at Christmas ? The turkey - he's always stuffed !

1,931

Q: Two musicians are walking down the street and one says to the other "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?" A: The other replies "That was no piccolo that was my fife."

1,932

There is this new awesome technology to do group chats... It's called "put your damn phone away and join the conversation!"

1,933

What's the best city to search the World Wide Web in? Rome.

1,934

What do women and hurricanes have in common? When they come, they're wet and wild. When they leave, they take your house and your car

1,935

Why do we drive on parkways when we park on driveways?

1,936

Women always say they want security... When I'm around.

1,937

What's an owl's favourite pin code? 2820!!!!!!!!

1,938

Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside

1,939

Why is Man Utd's chemistry lacking? Because they are held together by weak van den Gaal's forces.

1,940

What kind of soap do Middle Eastern citizens use? Arab spring

1,941

Duck walks into a pharmacy and asks for some lip balm. "Certainly sir, will that be cash or credit?" "Just put it on my bill."

1,942

what's green and floats? a leaf

1,943

Uncle Frank's will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store. He will be mist.

1,944

I'm a masochist. I downvote myself.

1,945

I'd also tell you a joke about how my balls hang. . . But that's too low.

1,946

I came up with a movie idea. A man's daughter is abducted. This man has has a unique set of skills and goes on a revenge rampage. But the idea was taken.

1,947

I saw a girl texting while driving the other day.. it really pissed me off, so I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.

1,948

Where is Macau located? In MaFarm

1,949

They took my mood ring... ...and I don't know how i feel about it.

1,950

Hands down half 6 is my favourite time of day.

1,951

Chicks... ...they only get laid once.

1,952

How do you comfort a grammar nazi? Pat him or her on the back and say, "Their, they're..."

1,953

What do you call a policeman with blonde hair ? A fair cop !

1,954

The person who came up with "happily ever after" probably didn't realize humans would live longer than 34 years.

1,955

I'm selling my Theremin.... I haven't touched it in years.

1,956

what type of shoes do artists wear? sketchers

1,957

Just bought some local farm-fresh free-range artisanal organic grass-fed hormone-free something or other that makes me better than you.

1,958

Happiness is like peeing in your pants ...everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth.

1,959

I love Alfredo sauce. Unless you're a dude named Alfredo.

1,960

Some coworkers remind me of my ex, because I would jump in front of a bus to get out of a conversation with them too.

1,961

"we can put a man on the moon but ___________" (insert issue that is vastly different)

1,962

Did u guys know u can smoke Newports on Delta flights

1,963

A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says... "What's with the steering wheel on the front of your pants?" The pirate says, "Argh!! I don't know but it's driving me testicles!!!"

1,964

what's worse than having a cold right before a job interview ? the holocaust

1,965

What's the difference between /r/jokes and your mom? Your mom is funny.

1,966

Q: What did the snail say as he rode on the back of a turtle? A: Wheeee!

1,967

What do you get when you cross Holy Water with castor oil? A religious movement!

1,968

What's the difference between awkward and awful? Awkward is finding your mom on Tinder, awful is matching with her

1,969

They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.

1,970

Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a "thirsty boy"

1,971

What separates the men from the boys? Operation Yewtree.

1,972

Why did Newton's wife got pregnant? Because he doesn't believe in using quantum

1,973

A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.

1,974

Why shouldn't you drink at a math party? Because you shouldn't drink and derive.

1,975

I was going to say a gay joke but fuck it.

1,976

Why are sergeants so successful in physical contests? Three stripes, you rout.

1,977

What is CC Sabathia's favorite inning to pitch in baseball? The bottom of the fifth

1,978

Girls hope you celebrated Valentines Day responsibly, or you'll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward

1,979

You know what's worse than your tribal tattoo? The story about why you got it.

1,980

How do sheep greet each other at Christmas ? A merry Christmas to ewe

1,981

What's the difference between a boy scout and a Jew? One gets a badge for lighting stuff on fire, while the other gets a badge for being lit on fire.

1,982

Just farted and it sounded like Louis Armstrong saying the word "blueberry" with his mouth full.

1,983

What do you call a cow stuck in a hurricane? A milkshake.

1,984

As my friend confessed, "My teenage daughter never even talks to me," I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

1,985

[texting] WIFE: need to talk when u get home ME: about what WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home ME: *never goes home*

1,986

Me: *to dog* what should I wear today bud? Dog: *pants*

1,987

Did you hear that they are building massive oscillating blades in New York? I wasn't a big fan of the idea

1,988

What do you call an Irish man who won't leave your porch? Paddy O' furniture

1,989

Why do people even like anal? It's fucking shit.

1,990

Cleaning the Attic Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Hey - get out! We don't want your type in here!''

1,991

Pinocchio When did Pinocchio learn he was made of wood? when his hand caught fire!!

1,992

What is the difference between rat poison and diet coke? Diet coke has better advertising.

1,993

Shoplifting or rape If you have sex with a prostitue and pay with a cheque that bounces is it shoplifting or rape?

1,994

Count Chocula cereal is the perfect combination of breakfast and fear.

1,995

I'd do well in a zombie apocalypse because I'm near sighted, get cramps if I don't get enough potassium and my only skill is googling things

1,996

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

1,997

*Snoop walks into a classroom* Snoop: Tell me about the Big Bong Theory Teacher: It's the Big Bang Theory *Snoops walks out disappointed*

1,998

Did you hear about the wooden car with the wooden engine, the wooden doors and the wooden chassis? It wooden go.

1,999

I forgot :( Whilst climbing in the roof space to get down the kids Christmas gifts, I found a present I'd forgotten last year. Such a shame - they would have loved that puppy.

2,000

I've decided my tweets sound better when I say them so instead of tweeting I'm just gonna call all of you when I think of stuff.