Datasets:

learn3r
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summ_screen_fd_bp

Dataset card Data Studio Files Files and versions Community

Split (3)

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input stringlengths 7.51k 83.9k	output stringlengths 96 9.06k
(Crickets chirp) (Dripping) (Clicks light on) Johnny: Moira! Moira! Moira: Hm. Moira: Oh no! I just finally cried myself to sleep. Johnny: The bed is soaking wet. Moira: Is it blood? Johnny: No! There's... there is leak in the ceiling. There is a brown disgusting drip coming. Moira: Owwww! Johnny: Look it! Look... oh my God. Moira: I can't do it. Johnny: This place is a dump! It's a dump! Moira: I tried! Johnny: You know what it's a hell hole. I tired, John, but I can't! Johnny: Wake up. David: Ahh! Alexis: Ahh! Johnny: Start packing, the pluming is shot to hell in this place and we are getting out. We are getting out! David: What are you wearing? What is that? A nightgown? Johnny: It's a nightshirt, David. And that's not the issue. The issue is the brown sludge in my bed. We're selling the place! David: It's 6:00 am! Johnny: What's the name of that mouthy kid at the front desk? David: I don't know. I'm trying very hard not to connect with people right now. The mouth the mouth, the girl. David: You might want to rethink the nightgown first. There's an ebenezer scrooge thing happening right now. Alexis: Oh my God, that's who I was thinking of. Johnny: You know what?! I'll do it myself. My best to Bob Cratchit. [SCENE_BREAK] (Shuts door) (Rings bell) Hello! Hello! Service? This bell is broken. Stevie: Yeah, sorry. It's more or less decorative. Johnny: There's a leak in my room. Brown, disgusting sewage water was dripping all over my bed this morning. I was soaking wet. So I need a plumber. Stevie: You want me to call a plumber? Johnny: (Incredulous) Do I want you to call a plumber? Yes, yes I do. I want you call... You should already be on the phone. Could you call a plumber? Stevie let's see if he's home... or conscious. He's a good guy, he's just a big drinker. Johnny: I also need a real estate agent. The name of a good real estate agent right away. Stevie: Ooh, there's a guy named Ray. Yeah. He's the best one. He's also the only one so... A guy named Ray... Stevie: Is there anything else I can help you with, Mr. Rose? Yes. My wife and I will be taking breakfast in our room this morning. Eggs florentine and a yoghurt parfait. Stevie: Yeah... unfortunately, due to a lack of everything, we don't do room service. Uh, but you're always welcome to help yourself to our complimentary espresso bar. Johnny: I'd rather drink the pipe-water. Stevie: I hear ya. Alexis: Ew! Who even is this girl? He said he'd never date someone with a toe ring and yet... Moira: Rub my back. David: What?! No. Moira: I rubbed your back many a nights when you were little. David: Yeah, in exchange for half my allowance. Moira: Fine. You may select one silver piece from my accessory case. Right here. Alexis: Omigod... she has hakuna matata tattooed on her foot. David: Stavros was seeing escorts before you. A Disney tattoo shouldn't be a surprise. We said no social media post breakup. We had a pact about that. David: He dates hooker. Oh, well, I'm sorry, I don't hire my friends at model castings. Actually, now that I think about in, where are those friends? David: They're just giving me space right now. Because they're considered people. Alexis: Oh right. Space. Yeah. David: Okay. Well, I think it's bests that he dumped you. Alexis: He didn't dump me. We actually both decided that it was best that he see other people so... Moira: Children, mindless bickering is a luxury we may no longer afford. You are blind to reality and for that I am most proud but our worlds evil twin... has reared her ugly... David: Okay. I'm taking my journal into the bathroom. Where I will be shutting the door. David! You might actually wanna hear this. (Slams door) Ray: Oh hi! Johnny: Are you Ray? Ray: Yes. Johnny: You're late. Johnny Rrose. My wife, Moira. Moira: Hello. Ray: Hi. Oh, I love your complexion. Ray: So... what can I help you with, housing, investment opportunities? Moira: Mr. Rose and I would like to put a for sale sign on this incredible town. Johnny: We're willing to settle for what we paid for it. More if you can get it, but definitely not less. Ray: Well, I'm not gonna lie to you I'm not super optimistic. You know, because the government saw no value in Schitt's Creek. You know, when they repossessed your assets. You know, because of the humiliating... Johnny: Yes, we know. We know. We know. Ray: Well, we'll do our best. First we just have to get Roland to sign off on the listing and then we're good to go. I need to confer with the financial powerhouse of the family. Since when did the mayor need to sign off on this? Johnny: Ray, since when did the mayor need to sign off on this? Ray: Well, it's all here... Son of a bitch! (Cart rattles) David: Oh, excuse me. I don't think my sheets have been cleaned. They smell like cigarettes. Stevie: No, that's just the way they smell. Also, you can tell your dad that the plumber was busy so I just pushed the bed against the wall and put down a bucket where the bed was. David: Okay. We're gonna be selling the town, so it'll be someone else's problem soon. Stevie: But it's such a great place to live. I think you're funny. Thank you. Um, look I know this probably isn't your thing, but there's a tailgate party later. It's not exactly clubbing but you know... close. I don't even know what 'tailgate' means. In my mind I'm picturing like a Klan rally. Stevie: Yeah, just fewer pointy hats. It's just townies with un-ironic haircuts. David: Okay. I'm gonna pass I'm not really in the mood to be a victim of a hate crime tonight so... Alexis: Okay. Stavros just posted three more photos. Who are these jenky women? Uh, from the looks of it they're blonde and mostly naked so... (Exasperated exhale) Is there a bar in this place or are we in one of those religo cult towns? Stevie: I was just telling your brother about a party tonight. But he passed so... Alexis: Um, yes. Love that journey for me. Okay, so I'm looking for a guy like a mechanic or someone that hammers stuff. Um, at least 5'7. Kind of like full lips. Athletic body. Maybe a neck tattoo would be cute. David: No, it wouldn't. You know, I think this could be really good for me. So thank you. Stevie: You're welcome. Yeah. I'm looking forward to it. Having all that fun. Wow. (Birds chirp) Roland: So Johnny Rose wants the ol' Johnny Hancock, huh? Johnny: Well... (Chuckles) Shouldn't be a problem, Johnny. I'm happy to signoff on the listing. Johnny: Well, thank you, very much, Rolland, I appreciated. Roland: Sure. Why don't you come over tonight and pick it up. Johnny: Mr. Mayor, that's not necessary. No, no. Roland, a signature, that's all I need. Roland: Johnny look, here is what you're gonna do; you're gonna grab the kids, you're gonna grab Moira, you're gonna come over we're gonna sit down like civilized people, have a few laughs, and then at the end of the evening we'll get to the big signing, okay? Johnny: Right. Okay. Honestly Roland, it's just a, it's just a signature. A flick of the wrist. That's it. Roland: You're not rejecting my hospitality, are you, Johnny? Because that really wouldn't be a good way to start things off, I don't think. Johnny: No, no. I'd love to come to dinner are you kidding me? No. I just thought, let's do business first, get the signature, and then dinner. Johnny, you want that, to get that you need this. So let's just do this my way. Johnny: Yeah, yeah, sure. Yeah, dinner is. Roland: Dinner it is, atta boy. Okay. Moira: How did you not get the contract signed, John? Can one thing, just one thing, not be easy in this town?! Johnny: Look Roland's playing games, honey, he's playing games. So this is something we have to do. Alexis: Okay. Well, I would love to go, but I've actually double booked myself. I'm going to a truck party um, with the front desk girl and obviously she'd be super devastated if I bailed last minute. So I can't. I can't go. Johnny: Okay. Well, cancel it because you're coming to dinner. Alexis: No. One of you kids has to come. Davis, you've got nothing on tonight. How... how do you know that. What do you have on tonight? David: What? Johnny: Good, it's settled. Moira: Or you could go alone, John. Since you are the one who did not get the contract signed. Johnny: Moira, Roland wants the family there tonight, so my family has to go tonight. Let me explain something about business. Moira: Don't you dare... Johnny: It's a dance. And sometimes you lead. and sometimes you follow. Moira: And which are you doing now, John? Johnny: I am leading, Moira. Moira: In a Roland game I think you're following. Following in the game but leading in the dance, right? And he thinks he's leading in the dance, but only because I've allowed him to think... Moira: Are you listening to this? David: Hmm? Johnny: It doesn't matter. I'm leading. Moira: I'll shall bathe. And if I bang my head and slip beneath the surface, so be it, Mr. Rose. (Slams door) Johnny: What's this? David: Uh yeah, Stevie called. Apparently the plumber's in rehab. And you also... you have something on your... I don't know what that is but it's a thing. Alexis: David, for the gate party tonight is it more of a leather pants thing or... Son of a bitch! Thanks for having us, Jocelyn. Thank you. Jocelyn: Make yourselves at home. Roland is just on the toilet. Johnny: Oh, what a surprise. David: You have a really lovely home. It's really um, understated. Jocelyn: Thank you. I get a lot of my ideas from magazines. Moira: Don't be modest. (Toilet flushes) This is 100 percent you and only you. Roland hey, okay. It's the Roses. (Chuckles) Come on, folk, please sit. Come on, I'm just the mayor for crying out loud. Ooh, hors d'oeuvres. Mmm. Jocelyn: That's too bad about Alexis. Well, it is. But we did bring the life of the party. Moira: Our David. (Johnny chuckles) Roland: Well, I guess, that just means there is more for you and me, right Dave? Jocelyn: I hope everyone likes a cheeseball. Cheeseball? (Polite chuckle) It's the treat that keeps our love life percolating. It's like an aphrodisiac with him. Go ahead. Johnny: Oh yes, can't wait. Can't wait. Mmm. Jocelyn: So David, tell us about yourself I hear you're a gallerist. Roland: Wow. There's a $10 dollar word. Moira: David owned a brilliant gallery. Tell them about your last show. David: It's not... Moira: You must, please. Johnny: Tell them, David, tell them. David: The gallery worked with Janet Kempfluugen. Johnny: Kempfluugen? She's a Brooklyn based performance artist she's a big deal. Anyway um... she would walk into the space wearing a clay mask of a fawn, remove her clothing and breast feed members of the audience. It was a commentary on income inequality. Roland: Wow... Johnny: Heady stuff. Roland: Well, hmm... [SCENE_BREAK] Alexis: Lipgloss? Stevie: No thank you. Alexis: I wish I could pull off the whole gloomy, no makeup look. It's so French. Stevie: Thank you. Alexis: So, why are you single? Stevie: Who said I'm single? Alexis: Girl, we're on the hunt. I hope you're single. Stevie: Oh, no. I'm not "on the hunt". A town this size, you've either been through 'em or know a little too much about 'em. Alexis: Hmm. Okay. I'm gonna go do a lap and this swan is best when she flies solo. So you're gonna be okay? Stevie: I live here. Alexis: Okay. Am I good? Stevie: Hm-hm. Alexis: Yes? Okay. Thank you. Stevie: Are you not cold- Chuck, beer! (Effort grunts) Roland: I know it's gotta be in here somewhere, slippery little bstrd. Johnny: Maybe a fork would help, Roland? Roland: Oh, that's sweet. Thank you. I'm okay. I'll find it. Johnny: So is that the ah, contract over there? Yeah, it is. You know, I gotta be honest with you, I tried reading that thing it is really boring. Ah, got it! There she is! Okay. Ohh! Oh my God, honey... oh, that is good. That is good. Moira: I believe you were saying, John. Johnny: Yes. This reminds me of a merger I put together in Zurich. It was two families breaking bread together. David: Ahh! Agh. My head. My head hurts. Jocelyn: Oh no! Are you okay? David: Um, it think it's the migraines that I get a lot. Johnny: Oh, I think... I think that'll pass, David. I don't think it's gonna pass. I don't think it's passing. Jocelyn: Migraines can be so awful. Johnny: Yeah, well, not this one. Not this one. David: Yeah, you know what? I... I think I need to go. Johnny: I think you need to eat something and that will help. No, I think I need to go back. Moira: (Quietly) Take me with you please. Johnny: David, sit down. Sit down. Sit back down. David: Jocelyn, thank you so much for dinner. Roland: Why don't you lay down on our mattress. The sheets are in the dryer but there is rubber pad. No. Thanks. Johnny: David! Don't go near the door. David! Do not open that door. (Door slams shut) I brought vodka as a house gift. I don't see it. (Rock music plays, low hum of party chatter) (Engine roars) Alexis: That's what I say. (Laughs) Great. I'm Twyla from the cafe. Yeah. David: Yeah. Davis Rose. Twyla: I'm a little drunk. David: Hm-hmm. Stevie: Hey. Twyla: Hey Stevie. Twyla: I am going to roast myself a marshmallow. Anybody? Stevie: No. Thanks. Twyla: You're all good? David: No. Twyla: Great. Stevie: I don't know why you were so reluctant to show up here. You fit right in. David: Well, my sister texted me "help". And my mind went straight to deliverance. So I wasn't too far off. Stevie: That's funny because your sister texted me from across the bonfire and said you'd probably show up here because you were bored and lonely and had nothing better to do. David: Well, my sister is a broken shell of a human being. That's where that's coming from so... Stevie: Oh, okay. Oh. Well, she seems fine. Are you serious? That's so funny. That's so funny. So I guess you're free to go. David: I'm gonna need a stiff drink to get through this. Stiff. (Smacking lips loudly) Moira: So Jocelyn, you were saying that you teach high school, or you want to finish high school? I'm not sure, I couldn't hear over your husband's chewing. I teach high school. Oh, you're a saint. I love it. I love connecting with the young people. Although I know those boys are undressing me every time I drop a piece of chalk. Yeah. Well, maybe we should hold onto our chalk, hmm? Jocelyn: They're boys! It's cute. Moira: (Quietly) John... Roland: Oh, there it is! There it is! The Vivien Blake bitch face! Moira: Excuse me? Roland: I didn't want to say anything, but you were my favourite character on "Sunrise Bay". Moira: Thanks. Jocelyn: It's true. He lived for "Sunrise Bay". I could be doing cartwheels in a thong in front of that television, which I have done, but if your show was on, I was as good as wall paper. Roland: Hey, how many people did you slap on that show? Moira: I don't care. Johnny: She can't remember, there were so many slaps. Moira: Enough about me. Let's talk about you signing this contract. Roland: Well, somebody is in a little hurry, ain't she? Johnny: No, no. We're not in a hurry. No. Moira: Aren't we? Johnny: No. We're not. No. Moira: Really? Roland: There it is again! Bam! Okay, I'll tell you what, Vivien... Moira: Moira. Roland: I will go ahead and sign off on the sale... Moira: Good. Roland: ... For a slap. Excuse me? Roland: I've always wanted to be slapped by Vivien Blake. Jocelyn: It's true. We've role-played it like a thousand times, but it's not the real thing. Roland: Hm-hm. Moira: You'd like me to slap you? Roland: Yeah. Moira: I don't think... Roland: Well, don't think. Just do it. Slap me. Johnny: He wants you to slap him. Moira: I won't. Jocelyn: Slap him, Moira. Johnny: Go ahead and slap him. Jocelyn: Slap my husband, Moira. Moira: John, I won't! Johnny: Slap him or I'll slap him. Roland: Slap me! Moira: I won't. Roland: Slap me like a bitch! Moira: Sign the f*cking contract! (Elated breaths) (Alexis laughs) Okay. Um... this has been a lot of fun, but I'm starting to smell a little too much like uh, campfire, and denim and plaid and stuff so... bye. Stevie: Your choices are beer or beer. David: I assume a pint glass is out of the question? Alexis: You came! How was dinner? David: Um... worse than this? Although at this point it's sort of a moving target. Stevie: Here hold this. So there are no guys for me here. But it was kind of nice to just like to flex the old muscle. Stevie: Put your thumb over the tube. Agh, I kind of wanna just go for it but... But sometimes it doesn't work out, I guess. David: Yeah. Stevie: Okay, put the tube in your mouth. David: What? Uh... Yeah. Just open your throat. David: Oh. Stevie: And go down, 'cause you're tall. Alexis: Okay. David, how long are you gonna be doing this? Okay, just come and get me after you vomit, okay? Stevie: Just widen your throat! You! Stevie: Chug! Crowd: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Crowd: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Alexis: Are you ready? (Cheering, laughing) (Humming) And that's the last one there! Done! (Claps) Ronald: Already. There you go, Johnny, congratulations. Thank you very much. Thank you. Just remember one thing, okay? This is my town and you're gonna play by my rules. Comprende? (Laughs) I'm just messing with you, man! Come on! (Johnny laughs uneasily) Johnny: Wow. Roland: Or am I? (Laughs) No. I am. Johnny: Moira! Shall we? Moira: Yeah. Moira: Jocelyn, thank you for an unforgettable evening, I will be dining out on this for years. Jocelyn: I'll send you the recipes. Yes, Jocelyn, words can't express. Roland: Seriously, Johnny, good luck selling the town. You sure gonna need it. Johnny: Why's that? Roland: Well, it took a while to sell the first time. I mean, it was on the market for like what 20 years before you bought it. Johnny: 20 years? Roland: Yeah. I mean, most people just thought it was a waste of money that it would never sell, you know? Who in their right mind would buy it! (Laughs) Then along came you. (Anxious sigh) Moira: John! Did you know this town was on the market for 20 years before we bought it? How would I know that? W... why would I know that? I didn't know that. But look, let's look at the bright side... Moira: There is no bright side. This is the dark side of the moon, Johnny. And we'll be here another 20 years, tucked in a crater, lost to all. Johnny well, you know what? I think that's being a little dramatic. Moira: Yes! It's dramatic! (Slams door) Sweetheart! We got the thing signed, okay?! And if we have to fix this town up before we sell it, then we fix it up. We fix it up, bit by bit. And it's gonna take hard work but we can do it because we're Roses. And there is nothing we can't do... Alexis: Hi... hi... Alexis: You're being super loud right now. David: I can hear you thought the headphones! Alexis: So if you can just wrap it up in here. David: 10 to a 5. Thanks. I feel good about this. I really do. (Dripping) What the hell is this? The town sign. Bag boy at the grocery store. Which is what? 40, 45-something and hour? "Good riddance," is what they said. Are we having a bad day, honey?	Plan: A: Johnny; Q: Who tries to get permission to sell Schitt's Creek? A: Schitt's Creek; Q: What does Johnny try to sell? A: dinner; Q: What do Johnny, Moira, and David have at Roland and Jocelyn Schitt's home? A: Alexis; Q: Who goes to a truck party to find a young man to make out with? Summary: Johnny tries to get permission to sell Schitt's Creek; Johnny, Moira, and David have dinner at Roland and Jocelyn Schitt's home; Alexis goes to a truck party to try to find a young man to make out with.
[TRIQUETRA LOGO] [Scene from 8X16: Engaged and Confused] [INT. MANOR - STAIRS -- DAY] (Paige descends the stairway wearing a beautiful white gown. She is not wearing a veil.) HOLLY MARIE COMBS (NARRATOR): (v.o.) Previously on 'Charmed' ... (Henry puts the wedding band on Paige's finger.) PAIGE: I do. [SCENE_BREAK] HENRY: I do. TRIQUETRA FLASH TO: [INT. PHOEBE'S LOFT - DAY] (Phoebe and Coop sit and talk.) PHOEBE: Who are you? COOP: I'm Cupid. (Phoebe looks away.) You can call me Coop. [SCENE_BREAK] PHOEBE: I don't need help finding true love. COOP: (counters) Apparently you do. TRIQUETRA FLASH TO: [Scene from 8X10: Vaya Con Leos] [INT. UNDERWORLD - BURKE'S LAIR] (Piper explains why with Leo.) PIPER: I have to lose you to save you. (Leo is in a cryogenic chamber. With a flash, he's frozen inside.) TRIQUETRA FLASH TO: [Scenes from 8X17: Generation Hex] [INT. MANOR - ATTIC -- DAY] (Piper throws a potion at Pator and hits him square in the chest. Pator screams.) PATOR: Aaaah! (Ryan gets up from behind the couch to watch.) (Pator starts to break up as he screams.) PATOR: Argggh! (As Piper watches, Pator does regenerates.) (Rondok steps forward and puts his hands on Pator's shoulders. He shimmers them both out.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Piper is talking softly on the phone while Ryan and Jen are in the back cleaning up.) PIPER: (to phone) I'm really sorry, but the Noxons just attacked here. INTERCUT WITH: [EXT. PARK - DAY] BILLIE: (to phone) And? PIPER: I have no idea how to vanquish them. BILLIE: (to phone) Okay, I'm on my way over. Bye. TRIQUETRA FLAHS TO: [INT. HOTEL ROOM -- NIGHT] (The door opens. Christy enters first.) CHRISTY: Mom? Dad. (Billie pushes past Christy and sees Helen and Carl on the floor, dead.) BILLIE: Oh, God. Oh, my God. TRIQUETRA FLASH TO: [INT. MAGIC SCHOOL - STUDY - NIGHT] (Candor turns and talks with Christy.) CHRISTY: They were my parents. CANDOR (TRIAD): They were distracting you from taking the final step. CHRISTY: bstrd! (Christy steps forward and sinks her hand clear through Candor's chest.) (Christy is killing him.) [SCENE_BREAK] CANDOR (TRIAD): You just passed the final test. (Fire consumes Candor. He explodes.) (Christy is left standing alone in the study.) [SCENE_BREAK] END OF PREVIOUSLY ON [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. UNIVERISTY (STOCK) - DAY] [EXT. UNIVERSITY CAMPUS (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. DORM - HALLWAY -- DAY] (Christy and Billie are headed for her dorm room, both carrying their bags with them.) BILLIE: Are you sure you don't want to go to the manor? I mean, it's going to be kind of cramped here. CHRISTY: No, it's bigger than a cave. I mean, it works for me if it works for you. BILLIE: Yeah, I don't even come here that much anymore. In fact, I don't think I ever want to come back. (Billie opens the door with her key.) [INT. DORM ROOM - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (They enter.) CHRISTY: Well, can't you just get a bigger dorm? BILLIE: No, not the dorm. I mean school. (She closes the door.) So much has happened. (Billie puts her bags down and sits on the bed.) CHRISTY: Billie, you can't quit now. You have to graduate. Mom and dad would want you to. BILLIE: Well, mom and dad aren't here anymore, are they? (sighs) I'm sorry. Just a little tired right now. CHRISTY: I know. This has been really ... hard for both of us. (Christy sits on the bed facing Billie.) BILLIE: I just still can't believe they're gone. I mean, I feel like -- CHRISTY: It's not your fault, okay? A demon murdered them. BILLIE: Yeah, but if I wouldn't have left them, maybe they would still be here. CHRISTY: Or if Piper hadn't called you away. BILLIE: This is not her fault. CHRISTY: Oh, it isn't? (Billie looks at Christy, surprised she'd even say it.) CHRISTY: You know what? You just stay here, okay? You rest. We're going to get through this. I promise. I promise, together. BILLIE: (sighs) I would have never been able to get through this week without you. CHRISTY: Well, I'd still be ... living in a cave without you. I'll be back. (Christy gets up and heads for the door.) BILLIE: What? Where are you going? CHRISTY: I'm going to help my little sister get some peace of mind. You know, I mean, the police might think that mom and dad are an unsolved case, but we know better. BILLIE: The Noxon demon can't be vanquished. CHRISTY: You know that. Then I'll hit him with a potion, and I'll send him to the astral plane like Piper did to the other demons. BILLIE: But she can't find him. CHRISTY: Then I'll help her, Billie. You let me worry about the demons. You just get some rest. (Billie accepts that as Christy leaves the dorm room.) WHITE FLASH TO: [INT. MAGIC SCHOOL - GREAT HALL -- DAY] (Creo and a group of demons are in the Great Hall.) CREO: The Noxon won't be easy to find. He's on the run. He's cagey. But we will scour the underworld. Whatever it takes to find him. RAHL: I don't like it. Vanquishing a fellow demon? CREO: We're not going to vanquish him. Not until we can use him to separate the other sister from the Charmed Ones. RAHL: (half to the others) Yeah, but why do we have to do what the Triad wants anymore? They're dead. CREO: Nevertheless ... we do what we're told. (Rahl sits up, challenging Creo.) RAHL: Says who? (Creo suddenly hurls an energy ball at Rahl, who bursts into flames as he screams in agony.) (Christy walks into the Great Hall.) CHRISTY: What's going on? (She looks at the demons.) CHRISTY: Is there a problem? CREO: No. Not anymore. (then deferential) We're here to help. (Christy looks at the other demons to see if they're in agreement. She appears pleased by what she sees.) FADE TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS (COMMERCIAL SET) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. HOUSES (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. MANOR - MAIN HALL -- DAY] (OPEN ON: The Grandfather clock face reads 11:47. Paige paces the floor as she waits for someone to return.) (The front door opens and she rushes over to meet Piper.) PAIGE: Hey, there. (Piper closes the door.) What took you so long? PIPER: Uh, I was dropping the boys off at dad's. Why? What are you doing here? (Piper removes her jacket and hangs it on the hallway hook.) (Paige walks with Piper through the main hall.) PAIGE: Oh, you know. Just in the neighborhood. Thought I'd drop by, see how you're doing. How go the battles? PIPER: The battles? PAIGE: Yeah, you know, ultimate power, ultimate threat. Ultimate stuff. Need any help? PIPER: You just got back from your honeymoon and you want to talk about demons? PAIGE: Well, it is what we do, isn't it? You're giving me a very suspicious look. You know what? You're a very suspicious person. PIPER: And you're avoiding the question. PAIGE: I am not. (Piper doesn't believe her.) All right, fine, maybe I am. But it doesn't mean I don't want to help out of the goodness of my own heart. (Paige gives her an innocent smile. Piper's no idiot.) PIPER: Mm-hmm. I think you need to talk to Henry. (Piper heads for the stairs.) PAIGE: About what? About demons? PIPER: No, about whatever it is you came here to talk to me about that you should be talking to him about. (Paige groans.) [INT. MANOR - SECOND FLOOR HALLWAY - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (Paige and Piper continue.) PAIGE: I can't tell him about it 'cause it's just going to hurt his feelings. PIPER: That's not a good enough reason. (Paige groans.) PAIGE: The problem is, is that it's not Henry's fault at all, okay? He's amazing. I love him. PIPER: I can see why you're avoiding him. (Piper and Paige head up the stairs to the attic.) [INT. MANOR - STAIRS / ATTIC -- DAY -- CONTINUOUS] PAIGE: See the thing is, it took me so long to forge an identity separate of you and Phoebe. I'm just -- I guess I'm kind of afraid of losing myself in the marriage. (Piper stops and turns around.) PIPER: So you're burying yourself in demons? PAIGE: (nods) It could work for me. PIPER: I don't approve of the way you're handling this. (beat) Anyway, I think I have a lead. (Piper turns and continues up the stairs to the attic. Paige follows her.) (They enter the attic and head for the Book of Shadows.) PIPER: If the Noxon demons killed Christy and Billie's parents, somebody else had to send them to do it. PAIGE: Because they were originally after the magic school kids, right? (Piper stops in front of the Book of Shadows.) PIPER: Right. So why change their MO? Unless somebody told them to. Whoever it is that's after the key to the ultimate power. PAIGE: Do you think they were really after Christy? (Piper starts flipping through the Book of Shadows.) PIPER: Absolutely, which means the Noxons know who's behind it all. PAIGE: And maybe who we'll have to fight to get Leo back. (Piper stops on the page for NOXON DEMONS.) PAIGE: So, uh, what's the plan? (Piper heads over to the potions table.) PIPER: Going to find that genetic freak of a demon and tell him we're going to do to him what we did to his friend unless he talks. PAIGE: What can I do besides ponder the state of my marriage? PIPER: You need to go down to the underworld and see if you can find him. PAIGE: (nods) Done. (Paige steps away.) PIPER: Be careful. (Piper tosses an ingredient in the pot. It goes POOF!) WHITE FLASH TO: [INT. DREGS OF THE UNDERWORLD (JONDAR'S LAIR)] (Pator makes his way through the cave, glancing behind him as he goes as if he's being pursued. The cave widens and Pator makes a run for it and finds himself caught.) (A long, worm-like tentacle -- coming out from a hole in the ground -- wraps around Pator's ankle and traps him. He falls to his knees unable to get away.) (Pator turns around and sees the tentacle. He raises his hand and throws a fire ball at the tentacle. The end of the tentacle flares red and travels down the length toward the hole, but fizzles out as it disappears down the hole.) JONDAR: (o.s.) What have we here? (Pator whirls around and sees Jondar, a bottom-feeding demon dressed in tattered clothing, step out from the shadows. He's foul-looking and at home in the cave.) PATOR: (scared) Who are you? Stay back! JONDAR: Or what? (nods toward the tentacle still wrapped around Pator's ankle) She's not just clutching your leg. She's clutching your powers. It'll come in handy when I feed off of you. (Jondar scrutinizes Pator.) JONDAR: What's a low-level demon like you doing in this neck of the underworld? PATOR: I'm not low-level. I'm working with the Triad. JONDAR: (scoffs) The Triad? PATOR: Yeah, yeah. I'm helping them harness the ultimate power, so if you're smart -- JONDAR: (interrupts) The Triad's dead. PATOR: (winging it) Right. Exactly. Which means I'm the only one left who knows where to find the ultimate power. Release me and all the power in the world is yours, I promise. JONDAR: Well, why didn't you get it for yourself? PATOR: The power has yet to emerge. Until it does I must hide. Demons are after me. And powerful witches. (beat) The Charmed Ones. (Jondar's intrigued.) PATOR: I'm telling the truth, I swear. JONDAR: Well ... seeing as how you're so neatly tied up at the moment, I think I'll just leave you here, see who comes looking. (Jondar shimmers out as Pator cries.) PATOR: No. Come back! (shouts) They'll find me! (beat) (PRE-LAP) COOP: (v.o.) I'm telling you, I found him. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. PHOEBE'S LOFT - LIVING ROOM -- DAY] (Phoebe is sitting on her couch with her laptop, trying to ignore Coop who stands next to her, determined to get her attention. Her ankles are crossed and resting on the ottoman in front of her.) COOP: I found you a match, and he could be the man of your dreams. (Phoebe ignores him. Coop pulls the ear plug out of Phoebe's ear.) COOP: Phoebe! Hello? Am I making myself clear? PHOEBE: Hello, I'm working. Do you see me working? COOP: Yeah, yeah. (Coop reaches out and closes Phoebe's laptop. Phoebe groans.) COOP: So am I. How about Michael? PHOEBE: Coop. COOP: Also happens to be the style editor at your paper, no less. PHOEBE: Which probably makes him gay, okay? I know who he is, and no, thank you. COOP: He's not gay. Trust me, I wouldn't be setting you up with him. (Coop walks behind Phoebe and kneels down, resting his chin on the back of her chair.) So why don't you go out with him, huh? PHOEBE: Well, maybe because I don't like to date people at the workplace. Did you ever think of that? COOP: Mmm, yeah, yeah. Of course I thought about that. (He stands up.) I think about everything when it comes to matchmaking. Besides, you met Jason at work and Leslie and Dex. (He ticks the names off on his fingers.) PHOEBE: Yeah, and those didn't go too well for me, did they? COOP: Yeah, but not because you worked with them. It's because of, you know, other reasons. I mean, I'm not asking you to marry the guy. Just go out with him. Let me see how close I am to figuring you out, huh? What do you got to lose, huh? (He sits down in his chair.) Take a risk. PHOEBE: It's just the whole process, you know? Like dating and then opening up to someone and then having to tell them that I'm a witch. Them fainting. It's just not fun. COOP: Oh, you are so confusing to me. I don't get it. First you tell me you don't want to date magical beings. And then you don't want to date mortals. Who's left? (Phoebe laughs.) COOP: Yeah, yeah. It's not funny. (Coop gets up and picks up Phoebe's feet as he sits on the ottoman in front of her. He puts her legs back down on his lap. An unconsciously intimate move. He continues to plead his case to Phoebe.) COOP: You have any idea how hard it is to find a match for you, Phoebe? You are a smart, successful, gorgeous woman - (He picks up and holds her hands in his.) -- with a great sense of humor and amazing strength. Look at you. You're lounging around in a track suit with a pencil in your hair and glasses, and ... (He gazes at her as if realizing it for the first time. A dangerous realization.) COOP: (wondrously) ... you're so beautiful. PHOEBE: Really? (Catching himself, Coop moves Phoebe's legs off his lap and stands up.) COOP: Yeah, yeah. I'm just -- (Coop laughs nervously and puts even more distance between himself and Phoebe.) COOP: Just, you know, trying to see what Michael sees in you, or would see in you if you'd go out with the guy. PHOEBE: Okay, well, what about my column? And everything Piper's going through? I mean, doesn't love pale in comparison to all of that? COOP: No, you don't get it. I don't know how many times I need to tell you. (Coop moves toward her and kneels down next to her chair.) COOP: Love doesn't pale in comparison to anything. It makes the world turn and the flowers grow. (He looks at her expression and stop.) Okay, smart aleck, do me a favor. Just be open next time love comes knocking, okay? (Before Phoebe can say anything. Someone is knocking at her door.) (Impressed, Phoebe looks at Coop.) PHOEBE: Hmm? (Coop shrugs.) (Phoebe gets up to answer the door.) PHOEBE: Hope it's not my sister. (Coop stands up.) (Phoebe opens the door and finds Billie standing out in the hallway.) PHOEBE: Oh, hey, sweetie. How are you? BILLIE: Hi, I've been better. (Billie walks in.) PHOEBE: You look exhausted. Come in. (As she enters, Coop heads out.) COOP: (softly) Hey. I'm going to be prepping Michael. (Phoebe gives him an unenthusiastic thumb's up.) PHOEBE: Okay. (Coop closes the door behind him.) (Billie sits on the couch. Phoebe sits next to her.) PHOEBE: So how was it? BILLIE: Well, just about as good as a funeral can be. I just -- Can I hang out here? I don't want to be alone right now. PHOEBE: Of course you can. Yeah, you could stay here as long as you want. (Billie puts her head back and sighs. Phoebe puts her glasses on the table and settles back to watch over Billie.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MANOR - ATTIC -- DAY] (Piper is putting a number of potions vials in a carrying pack when Paige orbs in.) PAIGE: Hey, okay, so I found the Noxon, but we better hurry in case he moves. PIPER: Well, uh, you might want to call Henry first. He's called three times since you left. PAIGE: Yeah, he called my cell, you know, left a message, but I'll just get him when I come back. PIPER: So now you're avoiding his phone calls? Paige. PAIGE: No, I'm not avoiding him, but I told you I don't really know what to say to him yet. And besides, it's not his problem; it's mine. PIPER: Well, it is his problem if you're not taking his calls. PAIGE: Do you want to let this demon get away, or what? PIPER: Okay, fine. (Christy walks into the attic.) PIPER: Just let my years of marriage experience go to waste. Fine, let's go. Here. (Piper hands the spell to Paige. They turn and see Christy.) CHRISTY: Go where? PAIGE: Oh, hey, Christy. How you doing? CHRISTY: I'm not doing very well. PAIGE: Where's Billie? CHRISTY: She's back at her dorm room. She's resting. PIPER: That's weird. Phoebe just called and said she was at her apartment. CHRISTY: I see. So where are you on finding the demon you let kill my parents? PIPER: Whoa, hang on. We didn't let anybody kill -- PAIGE: (interrupts) Uh, actually we found him, but if we don't want to lose him we need to go right now. (Paige glares at Piper. Piper's not happy about it.) CHRISTY: All right. Well, then, I'm going, but I get to be the one who sends his sorry ass to the astral plane. PAIGE: Actually, uh, no. We don't want to vanquish him. We need to question him because it's more important to find out who put him up to this. CHRISTY: Who cares? Who wants to talk to him? I want him dead. PIPER: Well, I understand that, but we can't ignore the fact that this could be connected to something else, like saving Leo. CHRISTY: So that's what this is about. Saving your husband. PIPER: Well, yeah, but -- CHRISTY: (interrupts) If we don't vanquish him, he could escape. PIPER: Well, I realize that, but we need to get some information out of him first. (to Paige) Let's go. (Paige starts orbing out. Mid-orb, Christy steps forward, puts her hand on theirs and hitches a ride.) (They orb out.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DREGS OF THE UNDERWORLD (JONDAR'S LAIR)] (Pator is sitting on the ground, his back against the rock. The tentacle is still wrapped around his ankle.) (The girls orb in. Pator opens his eyes. Paige pulls her hands away from Christy.) PAIGE: What are you doing? CHRISTY: I'm not going to let you take this away from me. PIPER: You shouldn't even be here. The demons are after you. CHRISTY: I don't care. PAIGE: Look, stop it. We're not going to let him get away. You need to just back off. (exasperated) Gosh. (Piper and Paige turn around to talk with Pator.) PIPER: (to Pator) Okay, listen. You have one chance and one chance only to tell me who sent you and why. (Piper opens her pack and takes out a potion.) PATOR: I don't know what you're talking about. PIPER: The hell you don't. (Piper throws the potion and hits Pator in the chest. The vial explodes and Pator screams as he starts burning.) (The tentacle legs go of Pator's ankle and slinks back into the hole.) CHRISTY: Say the spell. PIPER: No. CHRISTY: Say it! (Distracted, Paige turns around.) PAIGE: (to Christy) Stop it! (Christy grabs the spell from Paige and pushes her hard. Paige falls head-first against the cave wall.) (With the spell, Christy starts reading. Piper goes to help Paige.) CHRISTY: Demon of fire, demon of pain, I banish you to the astral--" (Before she can finish, Piper blasts Christy to stop her. She hits Christy in the arm. Christy hits the cave wall and falls.) (Pator regenerates.) (Piper helps Paige up. Christy is disoriented on the cave floor, her arm burned from where Piper hit her.) (Jondar shimmers into the cave next to Pator.) JONDAR: (to Pator) Looks like you were telling the truth. (He quickly shimmers them both out.) PIPER: (sighs) Damn it. (Christy is still on the cave floor, panting, half-sobbing. The spell is still clutched in her hand.) PIPER: Are you okay? (They both turn to look at Christy.) PAIGE: Yeah, uh, it's not me I'm worried about. (Christy gets to her feet and tenderly clutches her injured arm. Anger and hatred burn in her eyes as she glares back at them.) [SCENE_BREAK] (COMMERCIAL SET) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MANOR - MAIN HALL -- DAY] (Paige orbs them back to the manor. As soon as they solidify, Christy steps away from them.) CHRISTY: I knew he would get away! PAIGE: Christy, just let me heal you, okay? CHRISTY: Right, after she just tried to kill me? PIPER: I didn't try to kill you. It was an accident. CHRISTY: That was no accident. PIPER: Okay, listen. You're right, it wasn't, but I didn't mean to hurt you, okay? I just couldn't let you vanquish him. CHRISTY: Well, now he got away. PIPER: Look, Christy, you didn't leave me a choice, okay? This is my husband, and that demon - CHRISTY: (hard) Killed my parents. Why am I even explaining this to you? It's not like you care. PAIGE: Of course we care. We care about you, and we care about Billie. Billie's been like a sister to us. CHRISTY: Well, Billie's not your sister. (Paige takes a step forward.) PAIGE: Christy, please -- (Christy brushes past both Piper and Paige on her way to the door.) CHRISTY: Look, just stay away from me. And stay away from Billie. (Christy leaves, slamming the door behind her.) PAIGE: Well, that went swimmingly. PIPER: There was nothing else I could do. Right? PAIGE: No, you did what you had to do. PIPER: (sighs) Still, I don't expect her to understand. She doesn't know Leo, and she barely knows us, and all she wants is revenge. (Piper takes her potions pack off.) PAIGE: Can you blame her? PIPER: No, but it doesn't mean anything. We still have to find the Noxon again. (She puts the potions pack on the side table.) PAIGE: We'll just figure out who took him. PIPER: Okay, I'll check the Book. (The phone rings; Paige checks the caller ID.) PAIGE: It's Phoebe. I'll fill her in. PIPER: You know where to find me. (Paige answers the phone as Piper heads for the attic.) PAIGE: (to phone) Hello. INTERCUT WITH: [INT. PHOEBE'S LOFT - DAY] (Phoebe is working and on the phone.) PHOEBE: (to phone) Any luck with Leo? PAIGE: Uh, no, but we did manage successfully to get Christy to hate us. PHOEBE: What? How? PAIGE: Well, we were going after the -- (The second line beeps.) PAIGE: (to Phoebe) Hold on a second, okay? (She switches lines.) PAIGE: (to Henry) Hello. INTERCUT WITH: [INT. HENRY'S OFFICE - DAY] HENRY: (to phone) Hi, Paige. Where have you been? PAIGE: (to Henry) Hey. Hi, honey. Um, just kind of a bad demon fight. Um, can you hold on a second? HENRY: Wha-- (Paige switches back to line 1.) PAIGE: (to phone) Phoebes, that's Henry. PHOEBE: Okay, so quick, what happened? PAIGE: Well, Christy wanted to vanquish the Noxon, but we needed to talk to him -- PHOEBE: Wait, you found the Noxon? PAIGE: Kind of, sort of. He got away, but that was only after -- okay, this is going to take a minute. Hold on a sec. (She switches back to line 2.) PAIGE: (to Henry) Hey, um, can I call you back? HENRY: (to phone) No, that's why I'm calling you. Because you haven't called you back yet. PAIGE: Yes, okay. Um, I'm sorry about that. HENRY: (to phone) Paige, are you mad at me? Did I do something that I don't know I did? PAIGE: (to phone) No, I'm not mad at you. Not at all. It's just -- HENRY: (to phone) What? What? What? What? (Paige sighs.) PAIGE: (to phone) Hold on a second. (She switches lines again.) Phoebe, forget about Christy. What I really need your help with is Henry. (There's no response.) Phoebe? HENRY: (to phone) Still me, Paige. PAIGE: Oh. HENRY: What is going on? Talk to me. PAIGE: Nothing. It's nothing. It's really nothing. You're completely perfect. (Henry smiles a little.) You are. Can I just call you later? That would really be the best thing. Okay, I'll do that. Bye. (Paige hangs up before Henry can get a word in.) PAIGE: Phoebe? PHOEBE: Yeah. PAIGE: (sighs) I need professional help. Can I borrow your Cupid? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MAGIC SCHOOL - GREAT HALL -- DAY] (Christy holds her injured arm and yells for Creo.) CHRISTY: A little help here please. Creo, where are you? (Creo shimmers in.) CREO: Sorry, I was looking for the Noxon. CHRISTY: Well, you're a little late. The Charmed Ones already found him. (He sees her injury.) CREO: What happened? CHRISTY: Piper attacked me. I followed her to the Noxon, and she wouldn't let me vanquish him. CREO: But you're not supposed to vanquish him. We need him to turn your sister against the Charmed Ones. CHRISTY: Yeah, I know. I know. But I was upset, okay? He killed my parents. (Christy walks over to the couch and sits down.) CREO: But now you need to focus on your sister, and that wound just might help. It could help to convince her that the Charmed Ones are truly bad. CHRISTY: I don't know. She's pretty attached to them. CREO: All the more reason to try and save her from them as soon as possible, as the Triad said you must. (a reminder) They're using her, Christy. You know that, and you also know that the two of you are the only ones who can stop them. CHRISTY: Do you really think so? CREO: It is your destiny. One that you will not fulfill unless you get your sister away from them by any means necessary. CHRISTY: (gets to her feet) Well, you better get to the Noxon before they do, or you'll have to come up with another plan. CREO: I'll worry about finding the Noxon. You worry about saving Billie. (Off Christy, nodding, trying to stay focused ... [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. UNDERWORLD -- JONDAR'S LAIR - ETERNAL NIGHT] (Camera follows the tentacle, stretched across a different cave and just as dingy as the first. The tentacle is wrapped around Pator's ankle again. Jondar walks around him, pleased with having Pator at his mercy.) JONDAR: You're far more valuable than I imagined. PATOR: Let me go. I wasn't lying about the ultimate power. I proved - JONDAR: (interrupts) -- that I should be able to fetch a high price for you. PATOR: They'll come back for me. It's just a matter of time. JONDAR: I doubt that. My lair is a labyrinth of secluded caves. I should be safe long enough to figure out what to do with you. (Pator looks around for an escape and sees the stalactites on the cave walls.) PATOR: (stalling) But we aren't dealing with ordinary witches. The Charmed Ones -- JONDAR: -- Make you all the more valuable. I could trade you for immunity from them. (Jondar stops in front of Pator.) Or perhaps I could sell you to demons in exchange for powers. The possibilities are limitless. (Taking the opportunity, Pator kicks Jondar with his free leg, sending him straight toward the stalactites. They pierce through his body. He screams as he's vanquished.) (The tentacle dissolves, freeing Pator. Pator gets to his feet and runs out of the cave.) WHITE FLASH TO: [INT. THE BAY MIRROR - BULLPEN -- DAY] (Coop has his arm around Michael's shoulders as they cross the bullpen.) COOP: Come on, seriously. What's the harm in asking Phoebe out one more time? MICHAEL: Look, I don't think she's into me. I don't want to push it. COOP: Ah, see that? You're being sensitive. Phoebe loves sensitive. MICHAEL: Yeah, then how come she has an excuse every time I ask her out? COOP: She's just playing hard to get. MICHAEL: Really hard to get. COOP: Come on, isn't she worth it? Huh? Caring, funny, talented. MICHAEL: Hot. COOP: You -- you can't say hot, okay? Women want romance, poetry. MICHAEL: See, I'm not much of a poet. COOP: You don't have to be. Just think about Phoebe and let the poetry come to you from what you see. (As he talks, the couple walking past in the background, stops, listens and smiles knowingly at Coop.) COOP: Oh, she's -- she's ethereal. You know? Rose-petal lips, slender neck. Fiery passionate eyes. And when she laughs, doesn't that just make you feel like you can fly? (That question hangs in the air as Coop realizes Michael and a few other people are staring at him.) MICHAEL: Maybe you should ask her out. COOP: (covering) Me? Pssh, no. (chuckling) No. It's against the rules. MICHAEL: Well, then maybe you ought to go work for another dating service. COOP: You're missing the whole point. If you want to go out with a woman like Phoebe, you can't just ask her out. You have to woo her. MICHAEL: I don't usually woo. COOP: Well, you're going to have to if you want to go out with her. It's easy. I'll walk you through it. Meet me at Phoebe's house with a dozen red roses. Long stem. Trust me. (Coop takes out a pen and notebook to start writing. He turns around and sees Michael sitting there.) COOP: What are you doing here - ? What are you doing here? Come on, go. Chop, chop. What are you waiting for? (Michael stands up and heads out. He passes Paige in the doorway. She's coming in.) PAIGE: Ah, Coop. I need to talk to you. (Paige grabs him by his arm and drags him to Phoebe's office.) COOP: I'm right in the middle of something here. PAIGE: Ok, but it's kind of an emergency. (They enter Phoebe's office.) [INT. THE BAY MIRROR - PHOEBE'S OFFICE - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (Paige shuts the door behind her.) COOP: (suddenly concerned) What? What do you mean? Something happened to Phoebe? PAIGE: No, no, no. Nothing happened to Phoebe. It's an emergency of me. COOP: (relieved) Oh. Well ... the Elders didn't really send me down here to work with the whole family. (Coop settles in the chair behind Phoebe's desk. He starts writing and listening absently to Paige.) PAIGE: (sighs) Look, please? I really need your expertise, Coop. COOP: How much help do you need after only two weeks of marriage? Does Henry keep leaving the toilet seat up? PAIGE: No, it's not Henry - (She sighs.) It's me, okay? It's me. I'm so used to having my own identity, you know, and being super independent, and now it's -- it's not just a "me", it's a "we", and I'm kinda freaking out on that, and I'm taking it out on him, and I can't do that. COOP: It will work itself out. You've talked to him about this, right? PAIGE: I've tried to talk to him about it, but it just comes out wrong. COOP: Paige ... (Coop stands up and walks around the desk to stop in front of Paige.) COOP: I'm really busy here. So ... give it some time. PAIGE: I don't have time, okay? I really, really don't. Isn't there something you can do? COOP: Well, yeah, there is one thing. PAIGE: What? Please, I'm open to anything. COOP: (nods) All right. You got it. (He waves his hand as his Cupid's ring glows. Paige vanishes.) (Coop nods, satisfied.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HENRY'S OFFICE -- DAY] (Henry is sitting at his desk going through some reports when a large, bright orb appears at his forehead and is absorbed into him. His face glows. He lifts his hand and bats the air in front of his face, feeling something, but not sure what it is.) PAIGE'S VOICE: Henry? (Henry looks around.) HENRY: Paige? Where are you? PAIGE'S VOICE: That's a very good question. (Henry chuckles. He drops the report on the desk.) HENRY: I know. PAIGE'S VOICE: Oh, no. Uh ... go to a mirror. HENRY: Mirror? Why? PAIGE'S VOICE: Please just do this. ON HENRY: (Henry puts his pen down and gets up. He heads over to the wall mirror.) HENRY: Okay. Why do I have to look at -- aah! (Henry's shocked by what he sees.) ON MIRROR: (Henry sees Paige's reflection back at him.) HENRY: What the ... PAIGE: Oh, God ... I'm in your head. HENRY: I can see that. Paige, what's going on? PAIGE: (shouts) Coop! (Henry flinches and covers his ears. Paige turns and looks at Henry. Henry shrugs. He doesn't know what to do either.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. PHOEBE'S LOFT -- DAY] (Billie's still asleep on Phoebe's bed while Phoebe works on her column. Then there is a faint tap. Then, another. Phoebe looks around the room, wondering what she heard.) ANGLE - FRENCH DOORS (Tiny pebbles thrown from below are hitting the glass.) (Phoebe takes her glasses off and goes top investigate.) [EXT. PHOEBE'S LOFT - DAY] (She slips out the open balcony doors and looks down to the street below and finds ... INTERCUT WITH: ANGLE - MICHAEL ( ... Michael standing with a huge bouquet of red roses.) PHOEBE: Michael? (He smiles at her.) Hey! What are you doing here? MICHAEL: What does it look like I'm doing? I'm wooing you. PHOEBE: You're what? MICHAEL: Well, you deserve it, don't you? (Camera slowly moves down the balcony to show ... ANGLE - UNDERNEATH BALCONY (Coop is there just under the balcony and out of Phoebe's line of vision, feeding lines to Michael just like Cyrano de Bergerac.) COOP: You're not just anyone, you're special. MICHAEL: (o.s.) You're not just anybody, you're special. COOP: You're one in a million. MICHAEL: (o.s.) One in a million. COOP: I'm not leaving here until I get you to go out with me. MICHAEL: And I'm not giving up until I get you to go out with me. PHOEBE: Wow. Michael, I had no idea you were such a romantic. COOP: No, I'm not. MICHAEL: I'm hot. (Coop grimaces. In his hand, he has his pen and notebook.) PHOEBE: (huh?) I'm sorry. You're what? (Flustered, Michael looks at Coop.) COOP: (wincing) No. I'm not. MICHAEL: I mean, uh, I'm not. COOP: I'm--I'm not really ... a romantic. MICHAEL: (tries to keep up with Coop) Romantic. Really. It's just that, uh ... ANGLE -- COOP COOP: You bring it out in me. MICHAEL: You bring it out in me. Every time I see you, every- COOP: -- every time you walk past. MICHAEL: Every time you walk past. You're all I ever think about. And it's been that way from the moment I laid eyes on you. COOP: (longingly) The way you walk. The way you smile. (Coop isn't looking at his notes anymore, as he just thinks about Phoebe ... ) MICHAEL: (o.s.) The way you walk. The way you smile. COOP: How you help so many with your words. MICHAEL: The way you help so many with your words. I knew I had to do everything I could to get you to go out with me. COOP: And that's why I'm here now. MICHAEL: That's why I'm here now. COOP: Hoping that you can't turn me down. MICHAEL: Hoping you can't turn me down. ANGLE - PHOEBE (More than impressed.) PHOEBE: I don't know what to say. COOP: (sadly) Just say yes. MICHAEL: Say ... yes. (Phoebe smiles.) (Suddenly there is loud pounding on Phoebe's front door. She reacts, startled, concerned. But Michael can't hear it from the ground.) MICHAEL: Well? (The pounding continues, growing more frantic with every passing moment.) PHOEBE: Uh ... you know what? I have to go. MICHAEL: Wait - w-w-wait. But -- PHOEBE: Listen, thank you so much for coming. It means so much to me. And will you leave the flowers by the door? Okay? (Phoebe turns and heads back into the loft.) (Michael looks around, a little at a loss for what to do.) MICHAEL: (to Coop) What now? COOP: Just keep trying. She's worth it, believe me. (Coop gets up and leaves.) COOP: Come on. (Michael sets the roses down next to the front door stairs.) [INT. PHOEBE'S LOFT - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (The sharp pounding continues as Phoebe hurries to her door. She meets Billie, sleepy-eyed, emerging from the bedroom.) BILLIE: What's going on? PHOEBE: Uh ... I don't know. (Phoebe opens the door to Christy, still pounding angry, and her eyes, red and puffy from crying.) PHOEBE: Christy. Hey, what's wrong? CHRISTY: Billie, I need to talk to you. BILLIE: What happened to you? (Christy shows them her injured arm.) CHRISTY: Piper attacked me. BILLIE: What? PHOEBE: Okay, you know what? Come in and we're going to talk about this. CHRISTY: (coldly) No, I'm not coming in. Billie's coming out. (Phoebe turns and looks at Billie.) [SCENE_BREAK] (COMMERCIAL SET) FADEIN: [EXT. SIDEWALK -- DAY] (OPEN ON: The dozen red roses on the sidewalk near the front door to Phoebe's building. Christy and Billie exit the building and head down the sidewalk.) BILLIE: Look, I still don't know why you didn't let Paige heal you. CHRISTY: Oh, right. After what Piper did to me? I don't think so. BILLIE: But still -- okay, just -- please just stop and just tell me exactly what happened. CHRISTY: It's real simple, Billie. I tried to kill the demon that killed mom and dad and she wouldn't let me. BILLIE: It doesn't make any sense. CHRISTY: Does this make sense? Listen to me, Piper is so obsessed with saving her husband, she doesn't care who gets in her way. BILLIE: But I don't believe she'd ever hurt you. CHRISTY: Yeah, well, believe it. BILLIE: I have to be missing something. CHRISTY: Fine. Then let's go to the house and you can ask them yourself. BILLIE: No, I'll go. You're way too upset. CHRISTY: Billie, you can't trust them! BILLIE: That's not true. CHRISTY: Oh, really? Face it. They don't care about what we want. They care about what they want. BILLIE: Look, let me just go back to the house and talk to 'em myself. Just meet me at the dorm, okay? Please! (Billie hurries away. Christy watches her, a pleased smile lights her face.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. HENRY'S OFFICE -- DAY] (Henry looks at the mirror and talks with Paige.) HENRY: I still don't understand why couldn't just talk to me about this. Why did you have to use magic? PAIGE: I didn't mean to. Look, I don't have time to talk about this right now. I have to go help Piper. HENRY: Well, you should have thought about that before you jumped in my head. PAIGE: I didn't jump in your head! Coop put me there! HENRY: Right, right -- because you were losing yourself? (Henry turns away and continues to talk. His office door is wide open.) HENRY: What does that even mean? I thought things were going great between us. Hey, Paige, I love being married to you, okay? PAIGE'S VOICE: And I love being married to you, too. That's the problem. HENRY: How could that be a problem? PAIGE'S VOICE: Because I never loved someone so much before. And I love you so much that I'm afraid of losing ... me. HENRY: But maybe you're going to find something new ... like I did. PAIGE'S VOICE: You did? HENRY: Yeah. Isn't that the point of marriage? PAIGE'S VOICE: Henry, go to the mirror. (Henry turns and goes to stand in front of the mirror so he can talk to Paige's image.) HENRY: Paige, I want you to stay the women that you are. I fell in love with the woman that you are. But at the same time, I think we can make each other stronger. PAIGE: That was Coop's point, too. (beat) Sorry I snapped at you. (Henry lovingly touches the Paige's image in the mirror.) HENRY: I'm sorry, too, my little baby, baby, baby, baby -- (Dennis walks past the door carrying a thick envelope. He stops when he sees Henry coo-ing affectionately to the mirror.) DENNIS: (o.s.) Uh, you okay, Henry? (Henry whirls around to see Dennis, one of his parolees, standing just outside the office door, holding a file envelope and looking strangely back at Henry. Henry leans against the door frame, blocking Dennis' view behind him.) HENRY: (embarrassed) Dennis. Uh ... PAIGE'S VOICE (IN HENRY): (to Henry) Trouble with the Missus. HENRY: (out loud) Trouble with the Missus. DENNIS: Oh. I guess that means I don't have to listen to you gush about her for once, huh? PAIGE'S VOICE (IN HENRY): Aww. You gush about me? HENRY: (out loud) Yeah, I do. (to Dennis) No, you don't. You won't. You checked in on time, so now you can go. And we'll see you the same time tomorrow. Great. (nods.) DENNIS: Yeah. Right. HENRY: Mm-hmm. DENNIS: Yeah. See ya. HENRY: Okay. Get home safe. (Puzzled, Dennis leaves. Henry turns.) HENRY: (to Paige) We have to do something about this fast. PAIGE'S VOICE: I couldn't agree more. (Suddenly, Paige orbs Henry out of the office.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MANOR - KITCHEN - DAY -- CONTINUOUS] (Piper and Phoebe are in the kitchen. Piper is standing by the island while Phoebe is sitting on the counter in the corner. Both are completely surprised when Henry orbs in. Henry's just as surprised.) HENRY: Whoa. (He looks around, finding himself suddenly in the kitchen.) PIPER: Whoa yourself. How'd you do that? PAIGE'S VOICE (IN HENRY): Ask if they've had any luck finding the Noxon -- HENRY: (interrupting) (to Paige) Hold it a second. I think it'll be easier if I just talk to them myself, honey. PHOEBE: (amused) "Honey"? Are you okay? HENRY: Uh ... yeah. I'm--I'm fine. PAIGE'S VOICE (IN HENRY): No, you're not, and neither am I. (Henry makes an impatient noise to Paige.) PIPER: Why are you talking to yourself? HENRY: No, I'm not. (points to his head) Uh ... Paige is in my head. PAIGE'S VOICE (IN HENRY): Tell her I went to Coop for advice. HENRY: (to Paige) Please. I can handle this, Paige. (Guessing what's going on, Piper holds back a smile.) PAIGE'S VOICE (IN HENRY): Sorry. (Henry looks at Phoebe.) HENRY: Coop did it. PHOEBE: Coop did it. (Phoebe slips off her perch on the counter. Why is she not surprised?) Of course he did. Great. PIPER: Well, you need to get him to undo it because we need the Power of Three to find the Noxon. PAIGE'S VOICE (IN HENRY): I might be able to do it from here. (Henry sighs.) HENRY: Um ... Paige thinks that she - (He rubs his head and makes a sound.) Headache -- Paige thinks that she might be able to do it from where she is. (Off screen, they hear the front door open and close. Immediately, everyone turns. Phoebe and Piper head out of the kitchen. Rubbing his temple, Henry follows them.) [INT. MANOR - FRONT HALLWAY - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (Piper, Phoebe and Henry meet up with Billie.) PIPER: Billie. BILLIE: We need to talk. PIPER: I know. I'm sorry about your sister, but -- how are you? BILLIE: How am I? I'm not so good. How could you attack my sister? PIPER: She didn't leave me much of a choice. She was going to vanquish the demon. BILLIE: So you just thought you'd vanquish her, too? PIPER: No, I didn't -- PHOEBE: (interrupts) Look, we know how you feel, but revenge is not the only thing right now. BILLIE: That's what Christy said. Look, I want to find Leo, too. I really, really do. But not at the expense of her. PIPER: Okay, well, then she needs to understand that it can't all be about what she wants. (As Piper talks, Billie turns and sees the potions pack next to the phone on the side table.) BILLIE: Right. 'Cause it seems just to be all about what you want. PIPER: That's not fair. BILLIE: Isn't it? PHOEBE: Okay, look, don't you want to figure out who killed your parents? BILLIE: Yes, I do, but that not what you care about. All you guys care about is finding Leo. You don't care about me. (Billie grabs the potions pack, opens it and takes the vials out.) PIPER: Billie, what are you doing? BILLIE: I'm going to vanquish the Noxon. PIPER: No, you're not. BILLIE: What, are you going to blow me up, too? PAIGE'S VOICE (IN HENRY): (to Henry) Hold out your hand and call for the potion. PHOEBE: Nobody's blowing anyone up here. BILLIE: That didn't stop her last time. PAIGE: Now! HENRY: Vial. (The vials orb out of Billie's hands and into his. Henry smiles.) HENRY: That was cool. (Billie telekinetically grabs the vials from Henry's hands. They fly back into Billie's palm.) (She wiggles the vials smugly in their faces, turns and leaves.) PIPER: Billie! You come back here! (Ignoring her, Billie leaves, closing the door behind her.) PHOEBE: Now what do we do? PIPER: We gotta find that demon before they do. (Piper, Phoebe and Henry head upstairs.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DORM ROOM -- DAY] (The door opens and Billie returns. Christy is waiting for her, picking at her newly bandaged arm.) CHRISTY: Is everything okay? BILLIE: You were right. We are on our own. (And off Christy's smug look, we ... [SCENE_BREAK] (COMMERCIAL SET) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MAGIC SCHOOL - GREAT HALL -- NIGHT] (On a table filled with open books and lit candles, Billie is looking through the texts at Magic School. Christy enters.) CHRISTY: Any luck? BILLIE: No, nothing. There's tons of potions to take us to the underworld, but nothing on the Noxon. Are you scared about being here? This place is usually crawling with demons. CHRISTY: Well, I think between the two of us, we have enough power to defend ourselves. Besides, we can't count on anyone else. So, we don't have any other choice, do we? BILLIE: Yeah, I guess, but it's still kinda creepy. (In the back of the room, Creo shimmers in. Christy sees him.) CHRISTY: (telepathically to Creo) Do you know where he is? CREO: (telepathically to Christy) No, but I'm afraid the Charmed Ones are close to figuring it out. CHRISTY: (telepathically to Creo) But what if they find him first? CREO: (telepathically to Christy) You'll know where to find him, too ... if you use your powers to follow them. It may be your only chance to save her from them. (Creo shimmers out. Billie sighs.) BILLIE: It's no use. There's nothing here. What are we going to do? CHRISTY: I wonder ... BILLIE: What? CHRISTY: Maybe I can listen in on them -- see if they've found him yet. BILLIE: You can do that? CHRISTY: Yeah. I mean, if it's okay with you. BILLIE: Yeah. Why not? (Christy closes her eyes and concentrates. Then, she hears their voices ... PIPER, PHOEBE, HENRY: (voices only) Ancient powers, we summon thee. We, the power of three, [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MANOR - ATTIC -- CONTINUOUS] (Piper, Phoebe and Henry are holding hands around the bubbling potions pot.) PIPER, PHOEBE, HENRY: and seek your help in finding the demon who is in hiding. (They wait a beat, then -- PIPER: Nothing. (They let go of each other's hands.) HENRY: I'm sorry, guys. I think it's my fault. PAIGE'S VOICE (IN HENRY): Maybe I should try saying it again. HENRY: Uh, Paige thinks that maybe she should try -- PIPER: Forget it. We need to get her ... out of there. (to Phoebe) Call him. (Henry looks at Phoebe.) PHOEBE: (groans) Do I have to? (Piper nods emphatically.) PHOEBE: Okay. (louder) Cupid! Look, I know you're out there ... watching everything I do. Coop? (Coop flashes in right behind Phoebe. He's carrying a box of chocolates and reciting from a piece of paper, surprising her so much that she whacks him on his arm.) COOP: "Oh, lift me from the grass. I fail. I die. Let thy love in kisses rain on my lips." (Piper and Henry exchange looks.) PHOEBE: What are you doing? COOP: I'm just reciting what Michael wrote. He left this for you at the door. (Coop gives the box and note to Phoebe.) PHOEBE: (suddenly very interested) Really? PIPER: Yeah, never mind that. We need -- (Phoebe holds out a finger to stop Piper from interrupting. She continues reading from the note.) PHOEBE: "My heart beats loud and fast. Oh, press it to thine own again, where it shall break at last." (Coop smiles, pleased.) Michael didn't write this. COOP: Yeah, you're right. I wrote it, you know, a couple hundred years ago or so. Some of my best work. (Henry shuffles his feet. Piper's through waiting.) PIPER: Ahem! PHOEBE: Yeah, okay. Listen, um, we need your help. (Phoebe takes Coop's hand and pulls him toward Henry.) You gotta get Paige out of Henry. (Henry points to his head.) COOP: Uh, yeah, but are you sure they've worked through their issues? HENRY: Yes, they have. COOP: All right. (Coop waves his hand. His cupid's ring glows. Henry's face glows with a light that comes out of him and materializes into Paige.) PAIGE: Oh, dear. (She looks at Henry.) PAIGE: Hey. HENRY: Hey. You okay? PAIGE: I'm okay. HENRY: Good. PAIGE: But, um, you should probably go. HENRY: Okay. (He looks at them.) Good luck. (Henry leaves.) PHOEBE: (to Coop) Well, you should probably go, too. COOP: What do you mean? But what about love? PIPER: Ugghh! Go! (She smiles at Coop. Coop leaves.) PHOEBE: I mean ... really. PAIGE: Oh, you got truffles! PHOEBE: Yes, I did. (They hold hands over the potions pot and recite the spell again.) PIPER, PHOEBE, PAIGE: (all) Ancient powers, we summon thee. We, the Power of Three, [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MAGIC SCHOOL -- (Christy is still channeling them.) PIPER, PHOEBE, PAIGE: (voices only) and seek your help in finding the demon who is in hiding. CHRISTY: They found him. Hurry, throw the potion while I'm still channeling them. (Billie throws the potion.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. UNDERWORLD - JONDAR'S LAIR - CONTINUOUS] (Pator is running. Piper chases after him. He jumps over a rock.) PIPER: Oh, no you don't! (Piper freezes him, mid-air.) (Piper, Phoebe and Paige walk around Pator. Piper unfreezes Pator's face. He looks around.) PATOR: What happened? What's going on? PIPER: You have exactly five seconds to live unless you tell us who you're working for. PATOR: I don't know what you're talking about. PIPER: Four ... PHOEBE: Three ... PAIGE: Two -- (Paige pulls her arm back to throw the potion in her hand.) PATOR: All right! All right! I'll talk. (Billie and Christy enter the cave.) BILLIE: (o.s.) Not so fast. (Piper, Phoebe and Paige turn around.) BILLIE: Leave him alone. He's ours. PHOEBE: "Ours"? Billie, we're all on the same side here. BILLIE: Are we? PIPER: We're not going to let you vanquish him. PATOR: Works for me. CHRISTY: And we're not going to let you take him alive, either. (Paige steps forward.) PAIGE: (to Christy) This is absurd. What are you doing? Why are you twisting what we're all about? (Billie steps forward.) BILLIE: She's not twisting anything. (points to Piper) And she's the one that tore me away from protecting my parents so she wouldn't bother the two of you. PIPER: Billie, I swear if I knew what would happen -- BILLIE: You would have used me the same way to get what you wanted. And I'm sick of being used. (Billie throws her vial.) (Piper blasts it mid-arc. Phoebe ducks to avoid the flames which hit Pator, unfreezing him.) BILLIE: No! CHRISTY: (telepathically to Billie) We don't need the potion. BILLIE: What do you mean? CHRISTY: You can use your power to amplify mine. (In the silence, Paige gets antsy.) PAIGE: Uh, what's going on? (Christy takes ahold of Billie's hand - entwining their fingers and their arms -- the two linked together.) (Pator crawls to his feet.) (Christy and Billie close their eyes and concentrate.) (Pator starts to burn.) (He grabs his head and screams.) PATOR: Aah! (He explodes.) (The force of the explosion ripples through the cave, knocking Piper, Phoebe and Paige off their feet.) (Billie opens her eyes and gasps. Christy smiles with triumph. The two girls look at each other.) (Billie drops the vial and they vanish.) (Piper, Phoebe and Paige get to their feet.) PAIGE: Okay. Did they just vanquish a demon that can't be vanquished? PHOEBE: What does that mean? PIPER: I think that means we just found the ultimate power. (They stare at her. Piper brushes the dirt from her hands and pants.) [SCENE_BREAK] (COMMERCIAL SET) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. GOLDEN PARK BUILDING (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. PHOEBE'S LOFT - LIVING ROOM -- NIGHT] (Phoebe returns home, flicks on the lights and finds Coop sprawled out on her couch waiting for her.) COOP: Hey. (Phoebe closes the door.) PHOEBE: Hey. COOP: Tough day at the office? PHOEBE: Well, you know ... (Phoebe sits down on the sofa.) You let a young witch into your family and teach her everything that you know, only to be betrayed by her. Yeah, it was a rough day. COOP: I guess love is pretty low on the list then, huh? PHOEBE: Actually, no. I mean, it can only make me stronger, right? COOP: Yeah. PHOEBE: There's something I want to tell you, but I'm not sure if I will be able to articulate it well. (Coop gets up and moves to sit next to Phoebe.) COOP: All right. Maybe I can help. PHOEBE: No, actually, it's something that I have to say ... and that you have to hear. Uh, I've been having these feelings, these really intense feelings that I haven't had for a really long time. And it's ... it's scary. Mostly because the person that I'm having these feelings for is so unexpected. I don't know if it can work. But ... you've got to follow your heart, right? COOP: Well ... you tell me. PHOEBE: God, it has got to suck to be Cupid! You know, never finding a love of your own? It's got to be so hard for you. COOP: (confused) I'm sorry ... what? PHOEBE: You know, because of all the rules and stuff. It's just--I would think it's got to be really hard. COOP: So, um -- so you're talking about you and, uh -- PHOEBE: Michael. (Coop hides his disappointment.) Yeah. Yeah. Who else would I be talking about? COOP: (covers) No. No, um ... you just made it sound like it was someone ... unexpected. PHOEBE: Well, yeah. You know, I don't want to be with anyone magical just because of everything that I've gone through in my life. COOP: Yeah. What changed your mind? PHOEBE: I think ... maybe watching what Paige and Henry are going through and how they're making it work and ... honestly ... you. I mean, you knew. You had to hear the things that he was saying to me ... on the balcony -- they were just ... so sweet. (He turns to look at her, almost to confess that it was him ... ) COOP: Actually, uh ... (and he doesn't) ... yeah. I always knew he had it in him. PHOEBE: I guess that's why you picked him for me, huh? COOP: Yep. Sure is. So I guess my work here is done. I guess I better get going. (Phoebe holds out her hands and Coop slips his hand between hers.) PHOEBE: Thank you ... for everything you've done for me. COOP: No, it was my pleasure. Good luck, huh? PHOEBE: Bye. (Coop flashes out, his heartlight rising up as Phoebe watches.) (Hold on Phoebe.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. VARIOUS SAN FRANCISCO CITY LIGHTS (STOCK) - DAWN] [EXT. VARIOUS SAN FRANCISCO CITY (STOCK) - MORNING] [EXT. HALLIWELL MANOR (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. MANOR - CONSERVATORY -- DAY] (Wyatt and Chris are playing in the conservatory. Piper sits on the side, watching them and thinking.) (Paige walks in.) PAIGE: Hey. It's going to be okay, you know. PIPER: Oh, yeah? I'm not so sure. (shakes her head) It was right there in front of us the entire time and we didn't see it. PAIGE: How were we supposed to see it? It's Billie. She's one of us. PIPER: Still, with Christy and their powers, the Triad ... we just missed it. PAIGE: Not too late for what exactly? (Paige sits down. Piper looks directly at her. Her meaning clear.) PIPER: To stop them. PAIGE: No. No, Piper. You can't vanquish them. They're not demons. They're people. PIPER: People the Triad targeted to take us out. PAIGE: You don't know that for sure. PIPER: Don't I? Think about it. It makes complete sense. PAIGE: I can't give up on Billie. I'm not going to give up on Billie. Not yet. She's been through so much -- they both have. Maybe they'll come around. (It's clear from the look on Piper's face that she doesn't believe it. Paige gets to her feet.) PAIGE: I have to go. Henry's waiting for me. Look, we're going to ... figure this out, okay? It's what we do. PIPER: We'd better. (Paige turns around and leaves. Piper sighs.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MAGIC SCHOOL - GREAT HALL -- DAY] (Billie sits on the couch, lost in her thoughts. She looks up when Christ walks over and sits next to her.) CHRISTY: It's just you and me now, sis. And it always will be. (Christy smiles. Billie nods sadly.) [SCENE_BREAK] TITLE/OPENING CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] TRANSCRIBED FROM WB Starring: ALYSSA MILANO as Phoebe Halliwell ROSE McGOWAN as Paige Matthews and HOLLY MARIE COMBS as Piper KALEY CUOCO as Billie Jenkins Created by CONSTANCE M. BURGE Guest Starring MARNETTE PATTERSON as Christy Jenkins JOHN ROSENFELD as Pator BRIAN MULLIGAN as Jondar RON MELENDEZ as with IVAN SERGEI as Henry Mitchell and VICTOR WEBSTER as Coop (Cupid) Editor: DEREK BERLATSKY Production Designer: PAUL STAHELI Directory of Photography: JONATHAN WEST, ASC Consulting Producer: JONATHAN LEVIN Co-Producer: CAMERON LITVACK Producer: PETER CHOMSKY Producer: HOLLY MARIE COMBS Producer: ALYSSA MILANO Supervising Producer: JEANNINE RENSHAW Supervising Producer: ROB WRIGHT Co-Executive Producer: JAMES L. CONWAY Produced By: JON PARE [SCENE_BREAK] Executive Producer: BRAD KERN Executive Producer: AARON SPELLING Executive Producer: E. DUKE VINCENT Spelling Television Inc., A CBS Company Executive Story Editor: LIZ SEGAL Associate Producer: LARRY GOLDSTEIN Co Starring: JOEL STOFFER as Creo ANDREW COOPER WASSER as Rahl DAVID GUZZONE as Dennis Co Starring: KRISTOPHER SIMMONS as Wyatt #1 JASON SIMMONS as Wyatt #2 Music By: J. PETER ROBINSON Casting by: KIMBERLY LANSE FOSTER Original Casting by VICTORIA HUFF, C.S.A. Unit Production Manager: JON PARE First Assistant Director: TOMAZ REMEC Second Assistant Director: BERYL COHEN Costume Designer: DANIELA GSCHWENDTNER Camera Operator: KRIS KROSSKOVE 1st Assistant Camera: HAL ARNOLD Chief Lighting Technician: DON LEHMAN Asst. Chief Lighting Technician: COOPER DONALDSON Set Designer: ROLAND HILL Set Decorator: ROBINSON ROYCE, S.D.S.A. Leadperson: MICHAEL ZUFELT Property Master: ROGER MONTESANO Assistant Property Master: SCOTT COCKERELL Script Supervisor: NANCY SOLOMAN Costume Supervisor: CHIC GENNARELLI Dept. Head Key Make-Up Artist: NANETTE NEW Key Make-up artist: ANI MALONEY Key Make-Up Artist: BRET MARDOCK Dept. Head Key Hairstylist: AUDREY FUTTERMAN-STERN Key Hairstylist: BRANDON WAGGONER Sound Mixer: BRETT GRANT-GRIERSON Transportation Coordinator: MARTIN COBLENZ Production Coordinator: RICK NAPOLI Production Accountant: BYRON MACDONALD Script Coordinator: SCOTT LIPSEY First Company Grip: STEVE GAUSCHE 2nd Company Grip: TOM HAM Construction Coordinator: STAR FIELDS Stunt Coordinator: NOON ORSATTI Special Effects Coordinator: RANDY CABRAL Special Effects Shop Coordinator: VINNIE BORGESE Visual Effects Supervisor: STEPHEN LEBED Casting Associate: KAREN P. MORRIS Assistant to Brad Kern: ANDREA CONWAY Assistant to Jon Pare: JENNIFER REES Assistant to the Writers: RICK MULRRAGUL Technical Advisor: JOHN RICHARD TODD Assistant Editor: BRIAN JONASON Music Editor: NINO CENTURION Supervising Sound Editor: JEFF CLARK Music Coordinator: CELEST RAY Re-Recording Mixers: KEVIN VALENTINE / BRUCE MICHAELS Film and Electronic Laboratory (tm) by LASERPACIFIC MEDIA, a Kodak company Lenses and Panaflex(R) Camera by PANAVISION(R) Digital Sound Editing and Mixing by LASERPACIFIC MEDIA, a Kodak company Digital Visual Effects by ENCORE VIDEO Executive in Charge of Production: GAIL M. PATTERSON Executive in Charge of Post-Production: KENNETH MILLER This motion picture is protected under the laws of the United States and other countries. Any unauthorized duplication, copying, distribution, exhibition or use may result in civil liability and or criminal prosecution. The places and characters depicted herein are entirely fictitious, and any similarity to any real places or people is purely coincidental. (c) 2006 by Spelling Television Inc., A CBS company. All rights reserved. Country of First Publication: United States of America Spelling Television Inc., is the author of this film / motion picture for the purpose of Article 15(2) of the Berne Convention and all National Laws giving effect thereto. TheWB.com Dated:06/24/2006	Plan: A: love; Q: What does Phoebe want to pursue with a mortal instead of a magical being? A: a loop; Q: What does Phoebe throw Coop for? A: Piper; Q: Who tracks down the demons who killed Billie and Christy's parents? A: Christy; Q: Who tries to convince Billie that the Charmed Ones are out to get her? A: the Ultimate Power; Q: Piper suspects that the demons and the sisters are connected to what? A: Paige; Q: Who turns to Coop for help with her marriage to Henry? Summary: As Coop realizes that he has fallen in love with Phoebe, she throws him for a loop when she wants to peruse love with a mortal instead of with a magical being. Meanwhile, as Piper tracks down the demons who killed Billie and Christy's parents, she begins to suspect that the demons and the sisters are somehow connected to the Ultimate Power. Paige turns to Coop for help with some issues she has in regards to her marriage to Henry. Christy tries to convince Billie that the Charmed Ones are out to get her.
[Scene: Inside the school hallway. Jen and Dawson are walking together to Dawson's Locker, while talking to each other.] Jen: Genetic inevitability is what it is. Dawson: What's what it is? Jen: The fact that I'm turning into my mother. Take this whole homecoming queen debacle. Dawson: Your mom was an HQ? Jen: Aw, she was Miss Cape Cod. Same difference. Who graduated from the swimsuit competition to a life of cucumber sandwiches, high teas... And junior league. Dawson: Point being? Jen: Just that despite all my best efforts, I, too, have managed to reach the very pinnacle of Capeside popular culture. Dawson, I have sold my soul. I've become that false character who just follows their name around. Dawson: Beat yourself up much, Jen? Jen: Only when I deserve it. Just another happy character flaw brought to you directly from mommy dearest. Dawson: You've got it backwards. I don't think anybody voted for you because you were like your mom. I think they voted for you because you were different. Jen: They voted for me because I'm blonde and I fill out my sweater. Dawson: That, too, but I think when-- no, when kids voted for you, they voted for an outsider. Provocateur. Messiah to lead them from the mainstream. [Mr. Milo comes up to them in the hallway with several women following him.] Mr. Milo: There she is Miss Lindley, my we interrupt? Jen: With good news I hope, Mr. Milo. Mr. Milo: Allow me to introduce to you Capeside High's finest. You are looking at half a century of homecoming queens. Ladies, may I present Miss Jennifer Lindley? 1999's proud addition to your number. Constance: My name is Constance Freckling. Of the Mayflower Frecklings. Famous Freckling's Candies. I'm the oldest living HQ. Now, Jennifer, if you'll extend your index finger along the inside of my wrist, like this... Congratulations. You've just learned the secret handshake. Welcome to the club. I've heard all about you. [All congratulate her at once] [Opening credits] [Scene: At Joey's House. Joey, Bessie and Pacey are working on the Bed and Breakfast.] Bessie: You guys, It's all so exciting. Joey: Now tell me, whose brilliant idea was this again? Joey and Pacey: Mine. Pacey: Ok, it was your sister's idea to craft this place into a bed and breakfast, but I'm the one who told her how she could do it for next to nothing. Bessie: Oh, and, Pacey, be sure and thank your dad again for getting us the help. Pacey: Please. I finally figured out what the police auxiliary in this town is for. Take it black? Joey: Yeah. Pacey: Ok, Potter, what's up? Joey: Well, considering that a lot of our insurance money is going to be swallowed up in this, I just hope it all works out. Pacey: It'll work. Joey: It better. I can't go back to the marina gig. Pacey: Yeah, whatever happened with that creep anyhow? Joey: Long story. He was going out on a date with, uh Somebody that I know, and I was concerned about her, and I tried to warn her, and as a result, he fired me the next day. Pacey: Oh, what a charmer. So who was the girl? Joey: No one you know. Pacey: Really? Yeah, Potter. Do yourself a favor. Don't ever go into politics, ok? You're constitutionally incapable of lying with a straight face. So who was she? [Realizing who it is] Oh. Joey: Sorry. I wasn't going to tell you, Pacey. Pacey: Why do I feel like I just got hit with a sledgehammer? Joey: If it's any consolation, it won't last. I mean, Andie's way too smart to fall for that jerk's act Pacey: Hey, it's ok. Whatever makes her happy, right? [Scene: Dawson's House. He comes into the house to discover his mother in the kitchen.] Dawson: Hey, dad, I'm home. Mom? Gail: Hey. Oh, honey, I've missed you so much. Dawson: What are you doing home? Gail: What, a mother can't surprise her son? Dawson: I'm not complaining. Mitch: I can tell you why she's here. This year's HQ gala. Gail: Your father knows me too well. Being an HQ from a certain undisclosed year in the late seventies, yeah, thought I'd come home. Mitch: Late seventies? Hello, Gail. Gail: Hi, Mitch. Dawson: You know, Jen's planning it. Gail: Hmm? The gala? Jen Lindley? Mitch: Mm-hmm Yeah, Capeside's newest homecoming queen. Gail: How on earth did that happen? Dawson: Nobody's quite sure, although I'm interpreting it as an early sign of Armageddon. Gail: hmm. Well, at the very least, that should make for a fun time for us. Dawson: Have you developed a lazy eye, or were you actively looking in my direction when you said us? Gail: Honey, I need an escort. [Mitch looks kind of disappointed.] [Scene: The school cafeteria. Joey and Pacey are sitting at a table eating and Andie comes up to sit with them.] Andie: Hi. Pacey: I just remembered I got some French vocab to study for. Andie: You don't take French. Pacey: Well, all the more reason, right? [He leaves.] Andie: You told him. Joey: Slipped out over breakfast. Andie: Breakfast? Joey: Yeah, Pacey's been helping Bessie and me with the addition. The one we're investing every spare cent we have to build so we can hopefully open soon and financially barely scrap by. Andie: Look, Joey, it wasn't my fault you got fired, and even if it was, which it wasn't, you can't stay mad at me forever, ok? Joey: Not forever, but... A few solid months. Andie: Ok, I don't know what rob and I are. All I know is I can't help it. I like him. Joey: For now, but I can promise you this, Andie. You're going to get a big, fat "I told you so." [Scene: Miss Constance Freckling's house. Jen comes up the door, and there is a note on it for her. She quickly reads the note and goes into the house to eventually find a room where a dress that Constance was working on is. She begins to look at it, when Constance comes in carrying a tray.] Constance: Don't slouch, young lady. Square your shoulders and face the world. What do you think? Jen: Excuse me? Constance: The dress. It's nearly finished. I make a new one every year for tomorrow's gala celebration. Jen: Oh, see, that's what I wanted to Constance: One must remain modern, after all. I'm thinking of lifting the hem and softening the neckline a little. Jen: Softening would be good. Listen, Mrs. Freckling-- Constance: Miss Freckling. I never married. [Bang] Jen: Oh. What in thew, world was that? Constance: Hank. Jen: Hank? Constance: My handy boy. Heh heh. Lovely child. Lives right down the road. Presently, he's hanging extra twinkle bulbs on my roof. Jen: Oh. [Banging continues] Jen: Yeah, about that party-- I hope that you don't mind, but... It's just that I've been through all this before, with my mother, and she was constantly trying to turn me into a debutante and it's just not really my thing. Constance: Oh, but I do mind. You have a responsibility, young lady, As the newly crowned queen to help me host this event. Jen: But I never asked for any of this. Constance: Nor did I ask for you, Jennifer. Most girls who walk through this door are pleased as punch to be here. They're sweet, upstanding, enthusiastic girls who relish the chance to be role models. They tend to... Stand up straight, comb their hair, and... Wear brassieres. Am I making myself clear? Jen: Crystal. [She leaves the house. When she gets out side she hears some sliding and then Henry falls from the roof to land in front of her.] Henry: Aah! Jen: You're Hank? Henry: Quick. Bees. Run for your life! [He drags her after him.] [Scene: The bed and Breakfast. Pacey and Joey are there cleaning up in one of the areas that they are working in.] Joey: Just like the cops to disappear when the going gets tough. Pacey: Some of them do have wives and children to get home to. Besides, we're almost done here, and, you know, I was thinking. You're gonna need a name for this addition when we do get finished, so a suggestion, if I may. How does the Pacey J. Witter wing strike you? Joey: Keep talking, it'll be a memorial dedication. Pacey: You know, Potter, sometimes your lack of gratefulness-- it borders on unappealing. [Bessie enters carrying a cordless phone.] Bessie: Joey, it's for you. And whoever it is, she sounds upset. Joey: Hello? Hello. [Crackling noises] Andie: [Over Phone] Joey? Joey: Andie, is that you? Andie: [Over Phone] Joey, please help me. [Scene: Outside Rob's House. There is a party going on. Pacey and Joey drive up in Pacey's Father's car. Andie is sitting on the stoop outside.] Joey: Andie, what happened? Andie: I don't wanna talk about it. I just wanna go home. Pacey: Andie, you gotta tell us what happened first. Andie: Pacey, please. Joey: Andie, what did he do? Did he try to hurt you? Pacey: Andie, you gotta tell us. What did this guy do to you? Andie: Um...We were...Upstairs in the bedroom... and we were just kissing. And then...He started trying to...And I kept saying no, and he kept trying, and then I managed to get away before anything else happened, that's when I came down and I called Joey, and can we just go now, please? Pacey: Where is he? Andie: Don't worry about it. Pacey: Is he in there? Joey: Pacey, let's just go. Pacey: I'm not leaving until I talk to that bstrd. Andie: Pacey, no! [Pacey enters the house and Finds Rob out on the Back Porch.] [Music plays] Rob: ...But I tell him, it is easy. Pacey: Hey, Rob. Rob: Yeah. [Pacey punch him and Rob's friends grab him to stop him.] Pacey: You're here with Andie, right? What the hell did you do to her? Rob: I didn't do anything! Pacey: So she's outside bawling for nothing? Rob: Where is she? Let me talk to her. Pacey: You're not going anywhere near her. Rob: Get out of my face, man. Get off me. Pacey: If you so much as touch her again, I am going to nail you to a cross. Rob: Wait a minute. I didn't even lay a hand on her. Pacey: Oh, hey, save it for the judge, Logan, huh? Rob: Get out of my house! [Scene: Inside Constance's Green House. Henry and Jen are there looking at the flowers away from the bees.] Jen: It's really beautiful in here. Henry: Isn't it? You're looking at over 200 plants. Bulbophyllum virginalis. Jen: You're making that up. Henry: No, I'm not. I swear. Sometimes they get a little suggestive with the names. Jen: Ok, gimme another one. Henry: Ok, how about... Polystachya pubescens? or... Vanda Vaginatum? Jen: Ooh, is it hot in here, or did you just make me blush? Henry: Oh. Jen: Relax, Henry. It'll take a lot more than a flower to fel1 me. Hmm, how did you learn so much about these? Henry: Miss freckling. Jen: What's the deal with her? Henry: What do you mean? Jen: She's wound so tight, she's like a violin string. Henry: No, she's... She's just sad. Jen: Sad? Henry: She's got no one in her life. She never had kids, no relatives. I've lived next door to her for 10 years. I think I'm her best friend. Jen: I don't know who to feel sorrier for, you or her. Henry, we're gonna have to toughen you up. You keep wearing your heart on your sleeve like that, and you're gonna bleed to death. Henry: It's not me. It's... It's her. You have no idea how much she was looking forward to meeting you. Jen: She was? Henry: I told her all about you. See. The thing is, she has exactly 2 events on her social calendar the W.O.C. In Miami every spring-- Jen: W.O.C.? Henry: The World Orchid Conference. And in the fall, the homecoming queen gala. It's what she lives for. Without them... She's got nothing at all. [Scene: Joey's house. Joey and Pacey are talking to Andie, about tonight's events.] Joey: Look, um, you need to go to the station tonight. Andie: Uhh, I can't go to the station. Joey: Andie, you have to. You have to talk to the police. Andie: Joey, it's not like he actually did anything. Joey: Well, then, why don't you stay here? I really don't think you should be alone tonight. Andie: Thanks, but I can't. Pacey: I can take care of this, Jo. Joey: You sure? Pacey: Yeah. Joey: Ok. [Scene: Constance's House. She is working on the dress. Henry and Jen come in and Henrys is calling to her, but she isn't hearing him.] Henry: Miss Freckling? Constance? She's got her aid turned off. Jen: Aid? Henry: Hearing aid. Sometimes she likes to tune out the world. [He taps her on the shoulder.] Constance: [Gasps] Oh, Hank, you startled me. Henry: Oh. I, um, I ran into Jen outside. Jen: Miss freckling, I know that we got off on the wrong foot, and...I just wanted to see if we could start over. Constance: He is persuasive when he wants to be, isn't he? Jen: Well, I...I... I'm just getting to know him. Henry: Well, if he likes you, you can't be all bad. Jen: You know, I was just thinking the same thing about you. Henry: So, should we wait for the waters to calm or just dive right into the party planning? Jen: I say dive right in. Constance: Very well. Um, entertainment or food? Take your pick. Jen: Um... Entertainment? Constance: Ahh, surprise, surprise. Now, since it's my house, there are some rules. Jen: Surprise, surprise. Constance: No mimes, no magicians, no Barry Manilow, no Elvis look-alikes, no motivational speakers, no comedy troupes, no break dancing, no gangsta rap, no animal tricks-- Jen: Ok, no nothing that you might possibly see on Letterman. Constance: What's Letterman? Jen: How does a string quartet playing Mozart strike you? Constance: Perfect. Jen: Ok, I'll split the difference. Constance: I'm sure you will. Jen: Oh, and there's one more thing. Constance: What's that? Jen: Well, uh, he doesn't know it yet, but... Hank here... is going as my date. [Scene: Pacey's boat, the True Love. Andie and Pacey are there talking.] Andie: True Love. That's ironic. Pacey: Yeah, well... I figured since it didn't exist, I'd try and create it for myself. Andie: Why did you bring me here? Pacey: Because...Well, you said you wanted to go someplace quiet. Andie: There's lots of quiet places, Pacey. Pacey: Yeah, I guess there are, heh. Um... I guess I just wanted to show you I've been ok since we ended things. I've found a way to turn what's been killing me into something potentially beautiful. Andie: I haven't, Pacey. I'm not over you. Pacey: You will be, McPhee. Andie: See, even that-- just you calling me by my last name-- Do you know how long I've waited to hear that? Pacey: You've been through a lot tonight, Andie. Let's not go there. Andie: If it took what happened tonight to bring us together, then so be it. Pacey: We're not together. I mean, I'm here for you, but we're not together. Andie: If we're not together, then... I'm not sitting beside you... Staring into your eyes... And kissing you. [She bends over to kiss him.] Pacey: Andie... Sorry. We just can't. Andie: Phew! Pacey: We can't. For so many reasons, we can't. Andie: I'm not asking you what we can't do Pacey. I'm asking you what you want to do. Pacey: I want to know that you're ok. That's all that matters to me now. Andie: That's a shame because you still matter to me in every way. I want to be with you, Pacey. Pacey: I know that's how you're feeling right now, but tomorrow could be entirely different story. Andie: I'm not talking about tomorrow. I'm talking about right now. Tonight. You and me together, under the stars... Just like it used to be. I'm talking about a kiss. That's all I'm asking. Don't you want to? [After some hesitation, they kiss.] [Scene: Inside Pacey's father's car. Pacey is driving Andie home. They get to her house.] Andie: Thanks for taking care of me. Pacey: Right back at you, Andie. Andie: I just wanna say, for the record, about last night? Whatever did or did not happen between us happened for a reason, and I, for one, am 100% ok with it. And wherever it may lead, whatever new status may result-- it's totally-- Pacey: Andie. Andie: I'm rambling. Yeah. Well, it's an awkward moment, Pacey, and I'm scared, and in scared moments. Some people do that. Sometimes they ramble when they're-- Pacey: Andie. Andie: Rambling again. Right. I guess I just wanna know that you're feeling what I'm feeling. Pacey: I am. Andie: That makes me so happy. Pacey: Ok. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Joey's House. Rob has come to it, and Joey answers the door.] Joey: Didn't you read the sign? No known s*x offenders within 200 yards of my property. [Joey goes to close the door in his face but he stops her.] Rob: I didn't do it! Joey: Not bad. You could use a little work on the delivery, however. I suggest a less forceful interpretation. Rob: Joey, please, just tell me...[He stops her from closing the door again.] Tell she hasn't gone to the police. Joey: You touch me again and I will scream faster than you can say William Kennedy Smith! Rob: Look, Joey, she was the one that wanted to go upstairs, ok? She--she practically dragged me up to that room. And when we started kissing, I swear, she just freaked out. Joey: Rob, you do not have a lot of credibility with me right now. Rob: Fine. I admit it, ok? But there is a difference between an inappropriate workplace flirtation-- Joey: And sexual assault? You draw your own line in the sand, Rob. They are both against the law. Rob: I have never forced myself on anyone. Joey: If you say so. Rob: You know, it's no secret that she's unstable. No secret that she spent some time in a mental hospital. Joey: I'm going to pretend you never said that. Rob: Then why would she do this, huh? [She slams the door in his face.] That's all I wanna know! For what possible reason? [Scene: Constance's House. The Homecoming queen galla is going on. Dawson and Gail are talking to one another.] Constance: Splendid. Splendid. Dawson: I wonder where Jen is. Gail: Oh, don't look now, but here comes Marilyn Mendick and her husband. I haven't seen them in years. I can't stand that woman. Marilyn: Oh... Oh, Gail, Dawson. Gail: Neil, Marilyn. Marilyn: I heard all about Philadelphia. Gail: I'm sure you did. Excuse us. We were just gonna get a drink. Dawson: Actually I'm quite proud of my mom. Marilyn: Oh, we all are. Even if Philadelphia didn't quite agree with her. Honestly, I think it's perfectly absurd... To fire an anchor because the public felt she was too old to identify with. Oh, you wouldn't hear them saying that about Diane Sawyer. Neil: Gail, I speak for the whole county when I say you'd be welcome back on our airwaves anytime. Gail: Thank you, Neil. Neil: Shall we? [They leave] Jen: Um, is there something you want to tell me? Constance: You're late and the entertainment still isn't here. And that wardrobe is far from appropriate attire. I demand you return home and change this instant. I can understand why she would turn this into a travesty, but why you, Henry? Jen: Relax, ok? I put him up to it. And you haven't seen anything yet. [Several Drag queens enter the party.] Amanda: I swear it's hotter than a French prostitute in this dress. Christy: What you need, Amanda, is a long tall stiff one. Amanda: On the rocks. Summer: It, sugar. Constance: Who and what are they? Jen: They...Are the entertainment. Constance: I need to sit down. [Scene: Andie's Kitchen. Joey is there talking to her about last night.] Joey: Andie, have you told your dad? Andie: Why should I? I mean, it's only gonna upset him, and it's not like anything cataclysmic happened. Joey: Andie, this guy could have hurt you. Andie: You don't know that, Joey, and maybe I overreacted. Joey: Do you think you overreacted? Andie: Well, I didn't cry wolf, if that's what you're saying. Joey: No. That's not what I'm saying. Andie: Then what are you saying? Joey: I have to tell you something. Andie: What? Joey: Rob stopped by my house this morning. He told me his side of the story, and he basically got down on his knees, pleading his innocence. Andie: So that's why you're here. You, of all people, are gonna believe that scum. Joey: I didn't say I believed him. Andie: No? You just stopped by for a friendly little chat. Joey: No. I stopped by to make sure that we were doing the right thing, Andie. Look, I should've reported the guy myself, about his behavior towards me. I mean, maybe I could've prevented this whole thing. I think your water's boiling Andie: Listen, Joey... Maybe all of this happened for a reason. I mean, maybe something good came out of it. Joey: What do you mean? Andie: As of last night, Pacey and I are back together. I can't tell you how happy I am because now everything can just go back to the way it was. [Scene: At Constance's house. The Homecoming Queen Gala is still going on. Jen is introducing the entertainment.] Jen: Ladies and gentlemen, the moment that you've all been waiting for. Please help me in welcoming the awesome talents of... Amanda Wreckinwith, Summer Clearance, Megan Whoopie, and Ms. Christy Anity. [Music plays] [Cut to Jen and Henry's table.] Henry: Don't--don't tell anyone, but I think I got the hots for Christy. Jen: Ha. I always knew you had excellent taste in women. Henry: Constance is gonna kill me. Jen: Don't be so sure. Down deep, buried somewhere, I think that she gets it. Henry: Get-gets what? Jen: Homecoming queens, drag queens, what's the difference? They're all just people dressing up, pretending to be something that they're not, playing a role. Come on. Henry: What-- what are we doing? Jen: Dancing, Henry. In hopes of performing a miracle and awakening the dead. [She drags him out onto the floor to dance, eventually more people joining them. Constance see this from her table and we see her tapping her feet to the music.] [Scene: Pacey's workshop. He is doing some work on a few things for his boat. When Andie enters carrying a box.] [Power tool starts] Andie: I come bearing gifts. Pacey: Hey, Andie. Andie: Hey. I thought that, uh, True Love could use a woman's touch. What do you think? Pacey: Well, to tell you the truth, what she could use is a new rudder and a keel. Andie: Ok. Would you settle for a skipper's cap and a pair of my dad's old topsiders? [Pacey puts the hat on.] Andie: Very nice. Pacey: To be honest, I... I'm really starting to wonder whether I'm ever gonna finish her at all. Andie: Why do you say that? Pacey: Well, because sometimes it's harder to rebuild something than it is to just start from scratch. Andie: Why? Pacey: That picture that you have in your mind of the way something was... It's never gonna be that way again. Andie: Yeah, but it could be better. Pacey: Yeah, it could be... Depending on how badly damaged it was in the first place. Andie: How badly damaged was it? Pacey: It was pretty much totaled. Andie: Ok, Pacey, could we please stop beating this metaphor to death, and just talk about what we're actually talking about? Pacey: I made a mistake last night, Andie. We both made a mistake. Andie: What did we do? Nothing. Pacey: All I can tell you is how it made me feel. Andie: How? Pacey: Like I went against what I know is right. Andie: That's funny because today is actually the first day that I felt really happy since I left the hospital. Pacey: It is funny. You know, there used to be a time when you and I were so in sync... In everything that we did. Uh, just connected. Look at us now. We have the opposite reaction to the exact same event. Andie: Pacey, please don't do this. Not now. Don't break up with me. Pacey: I never wanted to break up with you, Andie, never. I mean, all those months... Just waiting, secretly hoping... Andie: You're just... You're just punishing me. That's what this is about. And you just need to stop being angry with me. Pacey: I'm not punishing you, Andie. Punishment implies you did something wrong. Andie: I slept with another guy, 6 months ago. I knew it was wrong when I did it. I keep trying to tell you this and make you understand it. How many times do I have to say it? Pacey: Andie... If you wanted to sleep with him, if even just for a second, then maybe it wasn't wrong. Maybe... It was. Maybe... That was just your heart's way of telling you I'm not the one. 'Cause that's what my heart's telling me right now. It's telling me that you're not the one. Andie: [Sobbing] You don't mean that, Pacey. Pacey, you can't mean that. Pacey: Andie, I'm sorry. Andie: No. Just... Just forget it. [Scene: At Constance's House. The Homecoming queen gala is still going on. A lot of the people are dancing with the drag queens. Constance and Jen are talking to each other.] Constance: Well, Jennifer, the evening wasn't a total disaster. I will say one this. They sure to know how to dance. Jen: That they do. You know, Miss Freckling, I believe that I owe you an apology. Constance: Whatever for? Besides the obvious, that is. Jen: Well, the truth is that I intended to shock you tonight, but something unexpected happened. For the first time, I was able to see past the cliché, and I actually enjoyed being a homecoming queen. Constance: Which brings us to one small unresolved item. Hank. He adores you, you know. Jen: It's just a crush. It's completely harmless. Constance: It's more than that. He talks about you nonstop. Your presence in his life has awakened him somehow. It's quite special. Though my concern is the sentiment's not mutual. Jen: That would be correct. Constance: I had a beau, once. Heir to a mattress fortune. Beautiful man. I was 17. We courted. He asked me to marry him. I remember it like yesterday. He took off his hat, got down on one knee. It was at his mother's grave site on the anniversary of her death. Jen: What? He proposed to you at a cemetery? Constance: Looking back, I should've run from there screaming, like a woman from a burning house, but... Jen: But you didn't. Constance: No. I didn't. But the wedding never happened anyway. He led me on, Jennifer... Played me for a fool. And then he ran off to California with the girl who'd sold him his Cadillac. But the point is, the heart is a fragile thing. Break it too badly, and it might well never recover. [Scene: Inside Constance's Green House. Henry and Jen are there looking at the flowers.] Henry: She calls it the spotted heart. It's her most sacred blossom. Took her over 15 years to breed it correctly. Jen: That's older than you are. Henry: The world's most beautiful things are. [He goes to kiss her, but she stops him.] Jen: Henry. Henry: I thought we were having fun. Jen: We are. But not like that. Henry: You asked me to come with you tonight. Jen: Yes, I did. Henry: Doesn't that count for something? Jen: It counts for us becoming friends. Henry: Jen, I'm... I--I think I'm in love with you. Jen: [Chuckles] Henry, you're not in love with me. Henry: You can't say that. How do you know what I feel? Jen: You don't even know me. How could you possibly be in love with me? Henry: Because I just-- I am. Jen: I wish it was that simple. Henry: It is that simple. If it's our age you're worried about, we're not even 2 years apart. It's nothing. Jen: Right now, it's everything, Henry. Do you know how much is gonna happen to you in the next 2 years, if you do them right? Your heart is gonna swell and break a hundred times before you turn 16. Henry: How does that make me any less ready for you now? I can still care about you more than anyone ever has. Jen: No offense, but that's not saying much. Henry: Then give me a shot. What do you have to lose? Jen: Listen, Henry, what you need right now is somebody who cannot only understand what you're going through, but who can also go through it with you. Believe me, everything that you haven't done, I have. Henry: Except fall in love? You haven't done that. Or else you'd have someone. But you don't. Which leads me to believe that everything you think you know about love is questionable. And as long as it is, you can't tell me I'm not the one for you. Jen: Henry, what you need to know about me... And it's something that I'm just beginning to understand, is that until I can look at myself without judgment or condemnation, I'm not ready for anyone. Let alone you. Henry: You know what you just said... About my heart breaking a hundred times? Well, there goes number one. [Scene: inside Constance's House. Dawson and Gail are talking to each other.]] Dawson: I'm just sorry you didn't feel you could tell me. Gail: How does a mother tell a son, whom she's supposed to be teaching to dream, that she failed at her own? Dawson: Mom. First of all, you didn't fail. And second of all, you don't look old. You look great. Gail: Thank you, honey. Dawson: Now, as for coming home... Gail: Sweetheart, I had my reasons why I don't want to race back to Capeside. Dawson: Right. And that's between you and dad, and I don't want to get in the middle. But... Gail: But you think that I should talk to him, don't you? Dawson: I just think you could use a friend like him right now. Gail: It's not that easy, Dawson. There's way too much history there. Dawson: But there's no law saying that you can't, you know, lean on him a little. Tell him the truth. What's the worst that could happen? Gail: He could help me. We could become friends again. Dawson: Hah. God help us. [Scene: Outside Joey's House. Joey and Andie are talking on the porch.] Andie: You lied to me. You told me one thing to my face, and then you went right behind my back. I thought you were supposed to be my friend. Joey: I am, Andie. Andie: Oh, and you have such deep feelings for me that you went straight to Pacey and sabotaged everything. Joey: Pacey? I haven't even talked to Pacey since you guys dropped me off. Andie: You expect me to believe that? Joey: Well, it's the truth. Andie: Oh, ok. So it's just a coincidence that one minute we're together and the next he never wants to see me again? Joey: When did this happen? Andie: Tonight. An hour ago. Right after you went and told him that I made up the entire story about rob just to get him back. Joey: Look. Ok, Andie, I admit it did cross my mind. But I didn't believe it, not for a minute. Andie: Is that right? Joey: Look, I know you. I... I know that you're a good person. You-- you would never do anything so hurtful and plainly wrong. [Andie walks away from her to the other side of the porch] Joey: What? What did I say? Andie: Nothing. Joey: You can tell me, Andie. Andie: Look, you don't know me, Joey, ok? You don't know what I'm capable of when I set my sights on something. Joey: Andie, you're a stubborn and determined person. There's nothing wrong with that. Andie: No! It's more. It's like I've got blinders on. And all I can see is what's right in front of me. What I'm after, and everything on the edges just gets blocked out somehow. Joey: What are you talking about? Andie: I'm talking about Pacey. I love him, and I need him. And the truth is... I don't know what the truth is anymore. [Joey sits next to her on the porch and puts her arm around her.] Joey: It's ok. [Scene: Cut of several scenes. Constance sitting at a table with the drag queens. Henry walking alone along the water front. Gail and Mitch talking to each other on Dawson's porch. Pacey working on his boat. Back to Joey and Andie on the porch. ]	Plan: A: Dawson; Q: Who attends the homecoming event as an escort for his mother? A: Jen; Q: Who is reluctant to plan a big homecoming event? A: the truth; Q: What does Dawson struggle with telling Jen about Eve? A: Eve; Q: Who has left town? A: Capeside; Q: Where does Dawson's mother return to? A: Henry; Q: Who persuaded Jen to plan a big homecoming event? A: friends; Q: What is Henry's relationship to the host of the homecoming event? A: the party; Q: What does Jen ask Henry to be her date to? A: his advances; Q: What does Jen reject from Henry? A: a former homecoming queen; Q: What is Dawson's mother's career? A: career difficulties; Q: What is Dawson's mother having? A: Andie; Q: Who accuses Joey of sabotaging her reunion with Pacey? A: two; Q: How many girls bond when Andie realizes Joey is not to blame for Pacey's failure to reunite? Summary: Dawson struggles with whether or not to tell Jen the truth about Eve, who has by now left town. Later, his mother returns to Capeside, but it isn't initially clear why. Jen is reluctant to plan a big homecoming event, but is persuaded to get involved by Henry who is friends with the host of the event. She repays him by asking him to be her date to the party, but later disappoints him when she rejects his advances. Dawson also attends the event as an escort for his mother, a former homecoming queen, and accidentally discovers that she is having career difficulties. Andie accuses Joey of sabotaging her chances of a reunion with Pacey, but the two girls end up bonding when Andie realises Joey is not to blame.
2.06 - Presenting Lorelai Gilmore OPEN AT ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [The doorbell rings, the maid answers it; Lorelai and Rory are standing there.] MAID: Yes? LORELAI: Hey. MAID: Hello. LORELAI: You're new. MAID: Uh, I started yesterday. LORELAI: What's your name? MAID: Liesl. LORELAI: Okay, Liesl. I'm Brigitta, this is Gretl. And, uh, Emily and Richard are expecting us. LIESL: Oh, I'm sorry. Please come in. [Lorelai and Rory walk inside; they hear Emily and Richard arguing upstairs.] LIESL: Uh, can I, uh, get you a drink? LORELAI: You know what, that's okay. I can get it. Why don't you go hide in the kitchen? LIESL: Really? Thank you. [walks away] RORY: What is going on? LORELAI: I don't know. I think George and Martha are joining us for dinner. [Lorelai and Rory watch Emily and Richard fighting on the steps.] RICHARD: I didn't know that my every conversation needed to be reported to you. I stand corrected. EMILY: I have been the co-chair of the Starlight Foundation for the last eight years. RICHARD: I know this, Emily. EMILY: And the Black and White Ball is the main fundraising event of the season. RICHARD: It's one year. EMILY: The co-chair cannot miss the main fundraising event. RICHARD: Why? Won't the chair be there? EMILY: Is this a joke to you? RICHARD: Emily, I have too many things to take care of at work. I don't have time for frivolous parties. EMILY: Frivolous parties? Friv. . . .[walks up the steps] RICHARD: Well, where are you going? Oh, come back here. [follows her] RORY: Wow, this is bad. LORELAI: I know, I wish we had popcorn. RORY: Mom. LORELAI: Shh. Incoming. [Emily and Richard come back down the steps. Emily reads from a stack of invitations.] EMILY: The Hartford Zoological Silent Auction, the Mark Twain House Restoration Fund luncheon, the Harriet Beecher Stowe Literacy Auction. RICHARD: I can read those myself, you know. EMILY: This is the fourth event you've taken upon yourself to turn down on our behalf. And I am on the board of all of those foundations. Now how do you think that makes me look? RICHARD: Like your husband is busy and has a great deal of responsibility. EMILY: Well, I have responsibilities too. RICHARD: I understand that your social engagements are important. EMILY: They're not just social engagements. RICHARD: Anything at which you serve tea is a social engagement. EMILY: That's it. I am gonna get a tape recorder so you can hear how pompous and condescending you sound. RICHARD: Wha...uh...Emily. EMILY: No, I wouldn't want you to take my word for it. I might be delirious from all that tea I've been drinking. [walks upstairs] RICHARD: Oh stop this. [follows her] RORY: Maybe we should leave. LORELAI: Are you kidding? We've got dinner theater here. RORY: But Grandma and Grandpa are obviously in a fight. LORELAI: Yeah? RORY: One that they probably wouldn't want us to see. LORELAI: Hey, we stumbled in here completely innocently. We came for dinner as usual, per their request. We had no idea we were walking into The Lion King without the puppet heads. [They come back downstairs. Emily follows Richard holding out a tape recorder.] RICHARD: Get that thing out of my face. EMILY: Just say the tea thing again. RICHARD: You are behaving like a child. EMILY: Turn around when you talk, would you? I'm not sure how good this microphone is. RICHARD: [sees Lorelai and Rory] Oh. EMILY: What? LORELAI: [claps] Brava! Encore! I'm sorry, does Terrence McNally know about you too? Get me the phone! [opening credits] CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai and Rory are sitting at the counter. Lorelai is reading Rory's homework.] RORY: It sucks. I know it sucks, just tell me it sucks. LORELAI: It's great. RORY: No it's not. LORELAI: It's an A. RORY: Don't lie. LORELAI: A-plus. RORY: You're my mom. LORELAI: Is anything higher than an A-plus? RORY: You have to say that. LORELAI: It's an A-plus with a crown and a wand. RORY: This is not how you raise a child. You don't send them out there with a false sense of pride because out there, in the real world, no one will coddle you. I'd rather know right now if I'm gonna be working at CNN or carrying a basket around it's offices with sandwiches in it. LORELAI: Rory. RORY: Yeah? LORELAI: It's great. RORY: Really? LORELAI: Really really. RORY: Thank you. [Luke walks over and fills their mugs.] LUKE: Coffee coffee. Okay, what do you want? Eggs, toast, combo? LORELAI: What's the rush there, Zippy? LUKE: I'm just swamped this morning. I was supposed to have help but I don't. So order right now or I'm bringing the both of you an egg white omelet with a side of steamed spinach. LORELAI: Pancakes. RORY: French toast. LUKE: Thank you. [Jess walks into the diner from the stairway] Jess, you were supposed to be down here. . . .what the hell is that? JESS: What? LUKE: That. JESS: That is a shirt. LUKE: Change. JESS: What? LUKE: Go upstairs and change your shirt. JESS: I like this shirt. LUKE: How can you like that shirt? JESS: It brings out my eyes. LUKE: Hey, part of the deal of you staying here is that you work here, and when you work here you will wear proper work attire, and that is not proper work attire. Now go upstairs and change into something that won't scare the hell out of my customers. JESS: Whatever you say Uncle Luke. [goes upstairs] LORELAI: Gross shirt. RORY: Yeah. LORELAI: Good band. RORY: Oh yeah. CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Emily is having tea on the back patio with three friends.] EMILY: Thank you. MAID: Mm hmm. [walks away] LADY 1: Another new one, Emily? EMILY: Yes. The last one only made it through one evening. Thoroughly nervous creature. LADY 2: What do you do to them, Em? EMILY: Oh, the usual. Clean this, cook that, sacrifice a virgin on your way out. LADY 1: [laughs] The things you say. LADY 2: We could've done with some of that at the ball the other night. EMILY: Why, was it dull? LADY 2: I felt as if my shoes were going out of style as I sat there. EMILY: What a shame. LADY 3: Now, Nattie, it wasn't all dull. Are we forgetting Truly Bishop? NATTIE: Oh, that's right. EMILY: What, what about Truly Bishop? LADY 3: Well, you know she and Eugene split up last month. EMILY: What? NATTIE: Oh Em! You knew about that. They had this huge fight at the. . oh that's right, you missed the Schafer's cocktail party. EMILY: They broke up at the Schafer's cocktail party? NATTIE: He has another family in Salisbury. EMILY: No! LADY 3: She's 26, with a 2 year old. EMILY: How did Truly find out? NATTIE: The little tart sent her a letter. EMILY: Oh my God. LADY 1: So Truly confronted Eugene after consuming a bottle and a half of Cristal, and he admitted it. He said he was going to leave her and marry the Salisbury concubine. EMILY: What did she do? LADY 1: She threw an ice sculpture at his head. EMILY: I can't believe I missed that. LADY 1: You've missed everything lately. LADY 3: Yes, where have you been? Is everything all right? EMILY: Yes, it's just, uh, Richard. NATTIE: He hasn't been hanging out in Salisbury, has he? EMILY: No, he's been swamped at work. Night and day, weekends. You'd think he was the only person who worked at that company. Plus, he hasn't been feeling very well. His back and knees. Very bad knees. [Sees Rory at the patio doorway] Oh Rory, what a nice surprise. RORY: Hey Grandma. Sorry to butt in like this. EMILY: Nonsense, come and meet my friends. Ladies, I'd like you to meet my granddaughter Rory. LADY 3: Well, hello Rory. RORY: Nice to meet you. NATTIE: My goodness, what a pretty girl you are. LADY 1: She looks just like Lorelai, doesn't she? NATTIE: The eyes. LADY 3: The nose. LADY 1: Walk around sweetie. EMILY: Sally, leave the girl alone. LADY 1: I just wanna see the walk. Lorelai had such a specific walk. LADY 3: Fast. LADY 1: That was it. EMILY: Come, sit, would you like some tea? RORY: Oh, no. I just came to pick up a book that Grandpa was supposed to leave for me. EMILY: Go check his study. It might be on his desk. RORY: Okay, thanks. [walks inside] LADY 3: Emily, your granddaughter is just lovely. How old is she? EMILY: Sixteen. LADY 3: Sixteen, that's a nice age. LADY 1: So, have you thought about her debut? EMILY: Oh, uh, no, not yet. LADY 3: Well you know, the Daughters of the Daughters of the American Revolution Debutante Ball is next week. EMILY: It is? I hadn't realized. LADY 3: Why don't you present Rory there? EMILY: Oh. . uh. . Well, I don't know. Isn't it a little late? LADY 1: Oh please. For Emily Gilmore, I'm sure they'll bend the rules. LADY 3: Oh you have to. With a girl like that Emily, you'll be the hit of the ball. NATTIE: She'd definitely be the prettiest one there. LADY 1: Except for Katie Heathington. LADY 3: No, didn't you hear? Katie fell off her horse, has a scab on her face. NATTIE: Oh, well then, if Katie Heathington has a scab on her face, Rory will definitely be the prettiest one there. LADY 3: It'll be your crowning moment. [Rory returns with the book] RORY: I found it. [pause] Yay. CUT TO LORELAI'S KITCHEN [Lorelai sits at the kitchen table doing homework as Rory comes home.] RORY: I'm coming out. LORELAI: Out of what? RORY: Out into society. LORELAI: What are you talking about? RORY: I went to Grandma's house after school. LORELAI: Okay, right away, bad. RORY: And, um, her DAR friends are all there and they're talking about this debutante ball that's being thrown. LORELAI: Oh no. RORY: And when I got back from Grandpa's office, they all invited me out onto the patio. LORELAI: No no no, please tell me you did not go out onto the patio. RORY: I went out onto the patio. LORELAI: Ugh, Rory, that's like accepting the position as the drummer in Spinal Tap. RORY: Before I knew it, Grandma was telling me how important it is for a person to be properly presented to society. LORELAI: Ugh. RORY: And how every young girl dreams of this day. LORELAI: Agh. RORY: And how there are flowers. LORELAI: Oh Lord. RORY: And music. LORELAI: Please. RORY: And cake. LORELAI: Oh yeah, the cake's actually good. RORY: And before I knew it, Grandma was bringing out your old dress and I was trying it on and. . . what are you doing? LORELAI: I'm getting you out of this. [picks up phone] RORY: Mom, wait. LORELAI: I swear, there is nothing in the world my mother is better at than getting someone to agree to something that in any other universe, they would never ever consider. RORY: Mom. LORELAI: I am still convinced she had something to do with Lily Tomlin doing that movie with John Travolta. RORY: I'm doing this. LORELAI: Why? RORY: Because you should've seen the look on Grandma's face when she asked me. It's just really really important to her. LORELAI: But. . . RORY: Now if it's that important to her, and it's not that important to me, then why shouldn't I do it? LORELAI: Rory, do you now what a coming out party says? RORY: It says I'm a woman now. LORELAI: No. It says, 'Hi, I'm Rory. I'm of good breeding and marriageable age, and I will now parade around in front of young men of similarly good breeding and marriageable age so they can all take a good long look at me.' RORY: You're exaggerating. LORELAI: No, it's like animals being up for bid at the county fair, except sheep don't wear hoop skirts. RORY: Look, I promised, but you don't have to be apart of it if you don't want to. LORELAI: No, no, if you wanna do it, I'll help. It's just weird. This is all the stuff I ran away from. I just assumed you'd be running with me. RORY: Well, I would, but I heard debutantes don't run. Something about the heels. LORELAI: All right then. If you're sure, where do we start? Uh, let's see. Well, you have a dress. You need a dowry, I guess. There you go. And uh, you'll need shoes, hose, gloves, some mice, a dog, a pumpkin. What's wrong? RORY: Oh, nothing. LORELAI: Rory. RORY: Oh, no, it just says that your father is supposed to present you at the ceremony. LORELAI: Oh. RORY: Whatever, it's no big deal. I can get someone else to do it. Grandpa probably. LORELAI: Rory. RORY: Or Taylor. LORELAI: Okay. RORY: Or the cable guy looked pretty friendly last week. Maybe he has a tux. LORELAI: Hand me the phone. RORY: I was kidding about the cable guy. What are you doing? LORELAI: [dials phone] Look missy, there are plenty of things that should weird you out about coming out, but inviting your father shouldn't be one of them. OPERATOR: The number you have dialed. . . LORELAI: Umm, wra. . . gum wrapper. RORY: He's not going to come. LORELAI: You don't know until you ask. RORY: Mom. LORELAI: [dials new number] Look, we call, we ask, there's no harm. Trust me. Cable guy's not going anywhere. CHRISTOPHER: Hello? LORELAI: Ugh, hi. Where the hell are you? CHRISTOPER: Boston. LORELAI: Boston? [walks into living room] CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, Boston. Baked Beans, cream pie, tea party, strangler. LORELAI: Oh, that Boston. CHRISTOPHER: And you? LORELAI: Me. CHRISTOPHER: Where are you? LORELAI: Helsinki. CHRISTOPHER: Really. LORELAI: Yeah, I finally got the girl band together and after a week opening stateside, we headed across the Atlantic and now we're huge with the Nordic set. CHRISTOPHER: It's good to hear from you. We haven't talked in awhile. LORELAI: You could've called too, you know. Or do you have one of those special phones that only receives calls? CHRISTOPHER: Well, I figured you had a lot going on what with the engagement and the canceling of the engagement. How's that going, by the way? LORELAI: No, still canceled. CHRISTOPHER: You okay? LORELAI: Good. And I'm even better when I'm not talking about it. CHRISTOPHER: Moving on then. LORELAI: So I have some shocking news. Rory's coming out. CHRISTOPHER: Out of what? LORELAI: Coming out. White dresses, gloves, curtsies. CHRISTOPHER: Stop it. LORELAI: I swear to God. CHRISTOPHER: I can't believe you're letting her do it. LORELAI: Oh, well, I wasn't about to let her use my method of getting out of it. CHRISTOPHER: This is crazy. LORELAI: She's doing it as a favor to my mom, there's no talking her out of it. CHRISTOPHER: Well, did you tell her about Barbara Hutton, Doris Duke, Gloria Vanderbilt? LORELAI: Yes, and she's perfectly willing to marry Cary Grant, get offed by her crazy butler and start designing blue jeans as soon as the ball ends. CHRISTOPHER: Well, okay, if that's what she wants. LORELAI: Now comes the reason for my phone call. CHRISTOPHER: All your regular 976 numbers are busy. LORELAI: Now I know this is totally not your thing, but as you will remember, part of the whole coming out process involves the girls being escorted around the dance floor by their Dads. CHRISTOPHER: Ah. LORELAI: Now, I know you would rather sit through "Endless Love" than ever be apart of this scene again. But this is very important to your daughter and she has never asked you for anything, and although no one's keeping track, it would seem that your constant non-presence in her life and your lack of ever showing up when you say you're going to or calling when you say you're going to or basically doing anything when you say you're going to would tend to indicate that you owe her, big time. Now before you say no, I want you to take a minute and remember you have a great daughter who needs you and she has a mother who will hunt you down like a half-priced Kate Spade purse if you disappoint her. CHRISTOPHER: Okay, I'm there. LORELAI: By there, do you mean the Daughters of the American Revolution Annual Debutante Ball? CHRISTOPHER: Yes. LORELAI: Oh Chris, please don't make this promise if you can't. CHRISTOPHER: I wouldn't miss it. LORELAI: It's next weekend. CHRISTOPHER: I'll clear my schedule. LORELAI: You swear? CHRISTOPHER: Oh wait, next weekend? LORELAI: Christopher! CHRISTOPHER: I'm kidding, I will definitely be there. LORELAI: Okay, and in exchange for that I will refrain from saying the ten things that came to mind for making fun of your schedule. CHRISTOPHER: Thanks. LORELAI: Bye. CHRISTOPHER: Bye. [Rory walks into living room] LORELAI: Hey Little Debbie, your dad is definitely gonna be there. RORY: You're kidding! LORELAI: No, he's gonna walk you down the stairs, and turn you in a circle, watch you curtsy, and announce that Rory Gilmore is officially open for business. RORY: I can't believe it. And he definitely said definitely? LORELAI: Definitely. RORY: So there's a fifty/fifty chance. LORELAI: I don't know. He sounded pretty sure, I'd say sixty/forty. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Dean, Lane and Rory are on the couch watching TV while Lorelai walks around the living room talking on the telephone.] LORELAI: No Mom, I'm sure one crinolin will be plenty. No, she doesn't. I'm sure she doesn't. Yeah, in what scenario would I have bought Rory elbow length kidskin gloves, Mom? Oh, I'm sorry, I meant what scenario on my planet would I have bought Rory elbow length kidskin gloves? RORY: So? DEAN: So what? RORY: It's good huh? DEAN: It's the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction. RORY: And doesn't Neil Young look cool? DEAN: I guess. RORY: If you'll notice, he's wearing a tux. DEAN: Neil Young looks cool because he's Neil Young, not because he's wearing a tux. LORELAI: No, I don't have to ask her mom 'cause I know the answer. I know the answer Mom, I know the answer. Yeah, no, okay, well I don't have to ask her Mom Hold on. Rory, would you like Grandma's hairstylist to come and set your hair before the ball? . . Oh, I did not coach her Mom, go back to talking about gloves. RORY: I think you're gonna look great in a tux. LANE: Tails. DEAN: What? LANE: Yeah, according to this it says that all escorts must be properly attired in black tails, white cumberbuns, and white gloves. DEAN: What? RORY: I'm sure the gloves are optional. LANE: Not according to this. DEAN: Tails? Gloves? RORY: Remember Neil Young. Remember that you love me. Remember that I'll be watching BattleBots with you for a month. DEAN: Show me Neil Young again. [Horn honks from outside] RORY: Dad! CUT TO OUTSIDE [Christopher is getting out of his car as Rory and Lorelai walk out the front door.] RORY: Dad! [runs to the car] CHRISTOPHER: Whoa! Hold it right there. A lady never runs out to meet a gentleman caller who hasn't been announced. RORY: Sorry, we haven't tamed my wild ways yet. CHRISTOPHER: Thank God I'm here now. RORY: I missed you! [hugs him] CHRISTOPHER: Me too. LORELAI: Hey. CHRISTOPHER: Hey. LORELAI: What is this? CHRISTOPHER: What? Oh my God, where did this come from? LORELAI: What happened to your bike? CHRISTOPHER: A crazy game of key exchange at the car wash. LORELAI: This is a car. CHRISTOPHER: Yes it is. LORELAI: It has four wheels and a roof and airbags and seat belts and my God, it smells like a forest. CHRISTOPHER: Well, I needed a little more space. Had something big to haul. I believe this belongs to you. [hands Rory a box from the trunk] RORY: The Compact Oxford English Dictionary! CHRISTOPHER: I promised you I'd get it. I'm just sorry it took so long. RORY: That's okay. CHRISTOPHER: On the bright side, this is the new edition. If I'd gotten you the old one, you wouldn't have the word 'jiggy' in it. RORY: Thank you. I love it, I'm gonna go look things up right now. CHRISTOPHER: Wait wait. [hands her magnifying glass] RORY: Thanks. CHRISTOPHER: Go. [Rory goes inside] LORELAI: That was really great of you. CHRISTOPHER: Thank you. So back to mocking my car? LORELAI: Oh yeah. A Volvo sedan, are you kidding? CHRISTOPHER: This is a great car. LORELAI: For driving to bingo. CHRISTOPHER: Well, it just seemed like time. I couldn't keep showing up for work on my bike. LORELAI: Work? CHRISTOPHER: You've heard of it. LORELAI: Yes, but I didn't think you had. CHRISTOPHER: Well, it took awhile. I kept getting it mixed up with nap, but I finally figured it out. LORELAI: So, you bought a car and got a job? CHRISTOPHER: Actually, job then car. LORELAI: Oh, 'cause it's more responsible that way. CHRISTOPHER: Exactly. LORELAI: Wow, so tell me about the job. CHRISTOPHER: Well, I show up everyday, drink bad coffee, exchange lame pleasantries in the break room with Linda from marketing, and then at the end of two weeks they give me a paycheck. It's a pretty cool system. LORELAI: You're serious? CHRISTOPHER: Well, you know how us working types are. Get in. LORELAI: Well uh. . .I'm not supposed to take rides with strangers. CHRISTOPHER: Trust me. LORELAI: Yes, but only if you promise we won't go over 25 miles an hour on the motorway. [Lorelai gets in as Christopher blasts some music] Oh my God, George Lucas wishes he had this sound system. CHRISTOPHER: I've got Alpine head units, two subs, and two twelves. In exchange, no passenger-side airbag. LORELAI: Ah, so the old Christopher still lives. [Rory leans in the car window.] RORY: Could you please attenuate the cacophony out here? LORELAI: Huh? [Rory reaches in and adjusts the volume] RORY: Turn down the music. [goes back inside] LORELAI: Next time instead of a dictionary, just slip her a crisp twenty. CHRISTOPHER: Deal. CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Lorelai and Emily walk through the front door carrying several shopping bags.] LORELAI: Twelve pairs of pantyhose. EMILY: It's going to be a long night. She's bound to have a run. LORELAI: Twelve pairs. EMILY: There's the presentation, the circle, the curtsy, the fan dance. LORELAI: Mom, there'd have to be a 12k run and a jujitsu demonstration for her to go through twelve pairs of pantyhose. EMILY: Does it really hurt to be prepared, Lorelai? LORELAI: No, Mom, it doesn't hurt to be prepared. EMILY: Thank you. LORELAI: And the good news is, now she is prepared for her high school graduation, her college graduation, her marriage, three to five anniversaries, a hostess gig, and jury duty, especially if she's sequestered. EMILY: You make me tired. [Richard walks down the stairs.] EMILY: Oh Richard, I didn't know you were home. RICHARD: Yes, well, we learn something everyday. EMILY: You didn't have to work? RICHARD: I am working. LORELAI: Hey Dad, guess how many pairs of pantyhose we bought today? RICHARD: I'd rather not, if you don't mind. EMILY: Oh Richard, I got you some beautiful new cufflinks for this weekend. RICHARD: I already have cufflinks. EMILY: I know, but these have bulldogs on them. Come look. RICHARD: I'll look at them later. EMILY: All right, fine. Just remember to pick up your tux from the cleaners tomorrow. RICHARD: I won't have time. EMILY: It's right around the corner from your office. RICHARD: I have to go in early tomorrow. EMILY: Well, go now. RICHARD: I am busy now. EMILY: Doing what? RICHARD: Emily, I am not going to qualify my time with you. I am not going to pick up my tuxedo. You planned this ridiculous affair, you pick up my tuxedo. Or I simply don't have to go. Either one of these options is fine with me. [leaves] LORELAI: Hey Mom, I might be reading too much into this, but um, is something going on between you and Dad? EMILY: What are you talking about? LORELAI: I don't know, he just seems a little less jolly than usual. EMILY: He's just busy. LORELAI: He seems upset. EMILY: Well, he's not. LORELAI: You seem upset. EMILY: Well I'm not. We're both fine. LORELAI: Okay, my mistake. EMILY: I better go pick up his tux. CUT TO MISS PATTY'S DANCE STUDIO [Rory and Dean are practicing dancing.] MISS PATTY: Now, keep counting in your heads. Look each other in the eye. Dean, are you leading? DEAN: I have no idea. MISS PATTY: Okay okay, stop stop stop. Now remember, one of the most important things in ballroom dancing is to remember to spot, otherwise you're gonna get dizzy. So, what you wanna do is you wanna pick out something to focus on. I usually like to find a lonely seaman. Then when turning, whip your head around and find your spot again. [spins around] Hello sailor, hello sailor, hello sailor. Now you try it. DEAN: You've gotta be kidding me. RORY: I think you can do it without the 'hello sailor' part. DEAN: Rory. RORY: BattleBots. DEAN: For the rest of your life. MISS PATTY: Now take it from the top. [Rory and Dean start dancing again as Lorelai and Christopher walk in with coffee.] LORELAI: Hey, you guys are really improving. Now you're actually facing each other. CHRISTOPHER: Anyone need a break? MISS PATTY: Okay, take five, but don't sit down because your muscles will get cold. LORELAI: So how's it going? RORY: Actually, I'm not very good. DEAN: Yeah, which is really holding me back because I'm a natural. LORELAI: Well, maybe you just need a glittery glove and a really freaky face. RORY: At one point Miss Patty thought Dean was gonna get hurt, she made me sit in the corner and watch. LORELAI: Hey! Nobody puts Baby in the corner. CHRISTOPHER: It's not your fault. Ballroom dancing is a wonderfully sexist thing. Any woman can do it, all she needs is a strong male lead. No offense Dean. [He pulls Lorelai towards him, but she stumbles.] LORELAI: Oh, agh! CHRISTOPHER: Oh, well, most any woman can do it. LORELAI: I wasn't ready, I wasn't ready. I want a do over. CHRISTOPHER: Fine. May I have this dance? LORELAI: I don't know. Do you have a trust fund? Always make sure. [Lorelai and Christopher start dancing. When they're done, Rory and Dean clap.] RORY: Okay, I'm adopted. DEAN: Yeah, I'm never gonna be able to do that. CHRISTOPHER: No, you guys just need some practice. MISS PATTY: Listen to your father, Rory. Your adorable, adorable father. LORELAI: Come on, let's get you out of here before you become Patty's next husband. CHRISTOPHER: See you guys later. Bye Patty. MISS PATTY: Oh, the way you toy with me. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO OUTSIDE [Lorelai and Christopher walk out of the dance studio each holding a coffee cup.] LORELAI: Did you know you still knew how to do that? CHRISTOPHER: I wish I didn't. Imagine what we could do if we freed up the brain space that holds onto the Vianese Waltz. LORELAI: Yeah, it's right up there in between old Brady Bunch reruns and the lyrics to Rapture. CHRISTOPHER: Ooh, I gotta say, this isn't like the chai lattes in Boston. LORELAI: Yeah, well, expecting Luke to make a chai anything was completely insane. CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, I'm pretty sure he just threw a cinnamon stick in some tea. LORELAI: I'm pretty sure it's not a cinnamon stick. CHRISTOPHER: Okay, throwing this out now. LORELAI: So chai latte, when did that happen? CHRISTOPHER: I don't know. Everyone at work drinks them. LORELAI: Huh. Well, since you still haven't told me what exactly it is that you do, I'm gonna go with yoga instructor or chiropractor. CHRISTOPHER: No, it's actually pretty interesting. I'm working for this firm that helps those overblown tech companies scale back and stay afloat now that they're facing leaner times. LORELAI: I'm sorry, uh, what's the interesting part? CHRISTOPHER: We dress like superheroes when we do it. LORELAI: Oh, nice. So how long do you think you'll be able to keep this going? CHRISTOPHER: Well, I'm pretty happy there. I'd say at least 'til Tuesday. LORELAI: Oh, so long term. CHRISTOPHER: You know, it's weird. I always hated the idea of having to be somewhere at a specific time day after day, but as it turns out, I like the stability. LORELAI: Really? CHRISTOPHER: Yeah. I like that at the end of the day, I feel like I've done something. I've earned something. LORELAI: Well, I think that's really great. CHRISTOPHER: Only took me ten years and several failed business ventures to figure out what I wanted. LORELAI: Which is? CHRISTOPHER: Not my parents' life. LORELAI: Ah. CHRISTOPHER: Something you figured out at sixteen. LORELAI: Actually, six months, but I just couldn't vocalize it yet. CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, you knew what you wanted, you went out and got it. I was always a little jealous of you. LORELAI: Well, you seem to be catching up. We did good. CHRISTOPHER: Yeah. Well, I did good. The fact that she can't follow a lead is all you. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Rory sits on the couch painting her toenails, Christopher helps Dean tie his bowtie, Lorelai walks around with a book on her head eating Chinese food.] LORELAI: See now, only a lady can gracefully walk around a room with a book on her head while eating Kung Pao chicken. And a great lady can even spit the peanuts back into the container without anyone noticing. RORY: Wow. LORELAI: Yeah, well, don't be intimidated. You have to practice and practice to get to my level. RORY: Anyone want the last eggroll? DEAN: Uh, no. LORELAI: Heh. Where are you going? RORY: To get the eggroll. LORELAI: You're getting the eggroll yourself? RORY: Yes. LORELAI: No! Ladies never get their own eggrolls. Ladies never get their own anything. They don't even get their own ideas. RORY: Oh boy. LORELAI: They just sit helplessly and wait for some young strong man to come by and assist them. They don't step in puddles, they don't step over puddles. They can't even look at puddles. They actually need to be blindfolded and thrown in a sack and carried over puddles. RORY: Isn't there a moratorium on how long ladies are supposed to talk? LORELAI: Uhh, no. Now repeat after me, I am completely helpless. CHRISTOPHER: Okay, so you pull the left side through the back loop and tug a little bit on both sides, and you my friend, might just be mistaken for a gentleman. Or a waiter. DEAN: So, how do you know how to do this? CHRISTOPHER: Seventeen cotillions, a dozen debutante balls, and a brief but scarring experiment with the Children of the American Revolution. LORELAI: Where you wore nothing but the bowtie. CHRISTOPHER: A good idea on conception, but the sudden snowstorm instantly dampened the effect. DEAN: Hey, uh, do you think it's cool when Neil Young wears a tux? CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, of course, but it's Neil Young. DEAN: All right. I should get going. I'll see you at three. RORY: Okay. Oh wait. [hands him a box] DEAN: What's this? RORY: Your gloves. DEAN: I thought you were kidding. LORELAI: No no. Ladies never kid. DEAN: Bye. [leaves] LORELAI: Bye. RORY: I think I'm going to bed too. LORELAI: Do you need help? RORY: No. LORELAI: Wrong! The correct answer is yes. Ladies need help with everything. RORY: Goodnight. LORELAI: [sighs] CHRISTOPHER: Night. RORY: Night. LORELAI: I don't know about that girl. I don't know how she's ever gonna make it in society. At this rate, she's gonna actually get a job and only marry once. CHRISTOPHER: You calling your mom again? LORELAI: I don't get it. For the last week, every five minutes she's calling me checking on shoe fittings and curtsy progress, and have I talked Rory into putting her hair up yet, and then tonight, nothing. CHRISTOPHER: Well, I'm sure they had a lot of getting ready to do for themselves tonight. LORELAI: She's been acting so weird lately. They're fighting. Openly fighting. I don't think they've ever done that before. I'm not sure what to do about it. CHRISTOPHER: Move to California. That's what I do when my parents fight. LORELAI: You know, my father doesn't even want to go tomorrow. His perfect angle granddaughter is being presented to society in front of all his friends and colleagues, something he never got to do with his bad, loser, evil daughter. CHRISTOPHER: Maybe you should talk to them. I'm sorry, was that me that said that? I must've had an aneurysm. LORELAI: Well, nothing more I can do tonight. I'm gonna head up to bed. Do you want me to turn off the lights? CHRISTOPHER: Actually, I have to stay up and do a little work tonight. [Lorelai laughs] LORELAI: I'm sorry. I keep forgetting that's not a joke anymore. CHRISTOPHER: Goodnight. CUT TO BALLROOM [Lorelai and Rory arrive at the ballroom.] RORY: Wow, this place is huge. Do I have to walk down those stairs? LORELAI: Oh, I'm afraid so. Unless you wanna make a really memorable entrance and just sliiide down the banister. Which I totally encourage, by the way. LADY: You are RORY: Lorelai Gilmore. LADY: Late. LORELAI: Sorry, my fault. Took me awhile to get pretty. Not all of us are sixteen anymore, you know what I mean? No. LADY: You are to head up the stairs. The preparation room is on the right. LORELAI: Look for the toxic cloud of Chanel and Final Net. [Rory starts walking towards the stairs. She looks back at Lorelai.] LORELAI: [mouths] Sliiide. CUT TO PREPARATION ROOM [Rory and the lady enter the room. Other girls are walking around getting dressed and doing their makeup.] LADY: Hang your dress there, put your makeup on over there. You'll have to make do with a non-lighted mirror. The lighted ones went to the girls that were here before dawn. Listen up ladies, everyone must be beautiful and ready to go by 7:30. [Rory sits down at a mirror. She talks to the girl next to her.] RORY: I can't believe we have an hour and a half. LIBBY: I know, I am never gonna be ready in time. God only knows if the swelling on my nose is gonna go down. I had to go and inherit my father's nose. I'm Libby. RORY: Rory. LIBBY: Uh, which one should I wear? I've thought about this all month, and I cannot decide. RORY: Oh, well, that's a tough one. LIBBY: I know. This is red red, and this is orange red. The wrong one and I will end up looking like a hooker. Or a teacher. RORY: That's a lot of pressure. LIBBY: The two minutes you are standing on those stairs tonight will determine the social status for the rest of your life. RORY: Wow, what if you trip? I mean, not that you would. You wouldn't. I might. Probably will actually. Could be a real Cirque du Soleil kind of night. LIBBY: You should not even joke about stuff like that. Ow. There's a head under there, you know. CUT TO BALLROOM [The bartender hands Lorelai a drink.] LORELAI: You are a wonderful, wonderful man. I have a feeling we're going to be very close tonight. [sees Emily] Hmm. Mom, you're here. EMILY: Where should I be, Spain? LORELAI: Oh. I tried calling you all night last night. EMILY: I was very busy. LORELAI: And then we got here before you. EMILY: What is your point, Lorelai? LORELAI: Nothing. It's just weird. EMILY: Well, I'm here now, so it's not weird anymore. Look at these flowers. Baby's breath. What is this, County General? LORELAI: You look very nice Mom. I like your dress. EMILY: Cotton tablecloths, folding chairs. It's not supposed to be like this. In my day, people sat in real chairs. LORELAI: Mom, what's the matter? EMILY: I wanted my granddaughter to be presented to society in a beautiful elegant ballroom, not a Shakey's. LORELAI: The room is beautiful Mom. You're being too critical. EMILY: There's Nan. I'm going to have a little talk with her about the proper height for a taper. LORELAI: Mom. CUT TO PREPARATION ROOM [Rory is sitting down reading when Libby walks over to her holding a flask.] LIBBY: Midori sour? RORY: Oh, no thanks. LIBBY: More for me. At my last coming out, I shared with this girl who couldn't handle her booze. Neon green puke all over her white dress. RORY: Your last coming out? LIBBY: Oh, this is my fifth one this year. RORY: Wow. LIBBY: You know, they say four out of five debs marry their escorts. RORY: Kind of like the dentists with Trident. LIBBY: Well I figure, five coming out balls, five escorts, one of them has to stick, right? RORY: Good logic. LIBBY: So, is your escort the one? RORY: The one what? LIBBY: The one you're gonna marry. RORY: Oh, well LIBBY: Is he cute? RORY: Yes, he is very cute but LIBBY: Where are you guys planning to live when you get married? RORY: Okay, hold on a second. [Another girl walks over] LIBBY: Katie, hi. Too bad about your face. KATIE: Is it horrible? LIBBY: No, you can hardly tell. Just walk sideways. CUT TO BALLROOM [Lorelai is standing with some women.] LADY 1: These things will be the death of me. LADY 2: Oh I know. And we've had no time to prep. Janet just got out of Rainbow Hills two days ago. LORELAI: Rehab? LADY 1: Fat farm. LORELAI: Ah. [Christopher walks up to Lorelai] CHRISTOPHER: Hi, sorry to interrupt. Could you come with me? My cumberbun and I aren't seeing eye to eye. LORELAI: Men, totally helpless. Excuse me. [They walk away from the women] LORELAI: You saved me. I love you. I wanna have your baby. Oops, too late. CHRISTOPHER: I saw the look. Same one you had that time you ended up on homecoming court. LORELAI: Ugh, someone's idea of a sick, sick joke. Hey, by the way, Neil Young's got nothing on you. CHRISTOPHER: Yeah? LORELAI: Yeah. [Emily walks over to them] EMILY: Lorelai, have you seen your father? LORELAI: Uh, no. EMILY: He promised me he'd be here by now. LORELAI: Wait, you didn't come together? EMILY: I swear, if he misses this LORELAI: Well, Mom, did you call him? EMILY: Yes I called him. Of course I called him. I wouldn't go this long without calling him. CHRISTOPHER: Emily, he's here. EMILY: Where? [he points to him] Oh. [walks to Richard] Richard, where have you been? RICHARD: Where have I been? EMILY: Yes, where have you been? RICHARD: I'm here, aren't I? LORELAI: I can't look. Did she beat him with the baby's breath? CHRISTOPHER: No, they're just energetically practicing their sign language. LORELAI: Oh God. CHRISTOPHER: Okay, I think this is a really good time for a martini. Hello. Thirsty people here. [Lorelai goes behind the bar] Ah, what are you doing? LORELAI: Steve won't mind. CHRISTOPHER: Little tip. Never a good idea to let people know you're on a first name basis with the bartender. Wow, this is really something. LORELAI: What? CHRISTOPHER: You and I together at a debutante ball. LORELAI: Huh, yeah. CHRISTOPHER: Just like it would've been sixteen years ago. LORELAI: Fancy dress. CHRISTOPHER: Sneaking booze. LORELAI: Parents acting crazy. CHRISTOPHER: You look great. LORELAI: I'm so glad you're here. CHRISTOPHER: So am I. ANNOUNCER: All fathers please report to the debutante staging area upstairs. Fathers to the staging area. CHRISTOPHER: Showtime. You gonna be all right? LORELAI: Absolutely. CHRISTOPHER: I'll see you later. LORELAI: Curtsy pretty. CUT TO STAGING AREA [Rory's waiting in line. Dean walks up to her.] DEAN: Hey. I just wanted to see you before you became a proper lady of society. RORY: So what do you think? DEAN: I think you look like a cotton ball. RORY: Why, thank you Jeeves. DEAN: But a really cute cotton ball. [Libby walks up to Rory.] LIBBY: Oh my God, is this your escort? RORY: Yeah, it is. LIBBY: You are totally getting married. [walks away] DEAN: What did she say? RORY: Oh, well...[sees Christopher] Dad, great, let's go. DEAN: I'll, uh, I'll meet you downstairs. Good luck. [leaves] RORY: Okay. CHRISTOPHER: Last chance to shimmy down the drainpipe. RORY: Do me a favor? CHRISTOPHER: Anything. RORY: Just don't let me fall. CHRISTOPHER: Right back at ya. CUT TO BALLROOM [The ball begins as a lady addresses the audience from a podium on the staircase. Lorelai sits at a table; Emily and Richard stand near the bar.] LADY AT PODIUM: Good evening. On behalf of the Daughters of the American Revolution, I would like to welcome you to our annual debutante ball. Oh this brings back so many memories. I myself came out in this very hall in nineteen well, let's just say, a number of years ago. Now the word debutante comes from the French word debuter, which means to lead off. . .[fades into background] EMILY: Just come sit down. RICHARD: I am going to finish my drink. EMILY: You won't be happy until you've spoiled this entire evening, will you? LORELAI: Um, guys, hi, there's a lady up there with a rock the size of Neptune around her neck talking about the debutantes of ancient Greece. It's a lot easier to fall asleep if you're sitting down, trust me. RICHARD: I will sit down when I'm ready to sit down. EMILY: Richard, lower your voice. RICHARD: No, I will not lower my voice. I paid a fortune to be here, and I will speak just as loudly as I like. EMILY: You're embarrassing us. You're embarrassing Rory. RICHARD: Embarrassing Rory? This wasn't Rory's idea. This was your idea. This whole ridiculous evening was your idea, Emily. EMILY: You don't want your granddaughter presented to society? RICHARD: To hell with society. [people look at him] Yes, I'm talking about you! LORELAI: Come on, that's it. [Lorelai leads them into another room] LORELAI: Are you two completely out of your mind? There is a ceremony going on in there. Young girls in ugly dresses and stupid fans are parading around in circles for God knows what reason, and you two are ruining it. RICHARD: I didn't want to come here. You knew I didn't want to come here. EMILY: Well, that's too bad. We have a social responsibility Richard. RICHARD: I am so tired of hearing you say that. EMILY: People expect us to be certain places and do certain things and we can't just withdraw from all of that. RICHARD: Do you know what I'm going through at work? EMILY: Your whole life isn't that damn company, Richard. RICHARD: I have told you what I'm going through, but somehow, you just don't seem to hear it. You don't listen to me. You don't listen to anybody. EMILY: That is not true. RICHARD: It is true. Isn't it true? Has she ever listened to a word you've said? LORELAI: Oh, well, hey, people listen in different ways, right? I mean, some people listen with their ears, and some people listen with not their ears, but that doesn't mean some actual listening hasn't happened in some form. EMILY: I have listened to you Richard. I know exactly what is going on with you. RICHARD: Really, what? EMILY: You lost an account. LORELAI: What? RICHARD: No, I didn't lose an account. I was taken off an account. I was taken off an account that I personally brought into this company ten years ago. EMILY: There are other accounts, Richard. RICHARD: I have been in charge of that account for ten years! EMILY: How can you be so angry? Yes, they took you off that account, but they also gave you a promotion. RICHARD: Oh, Emily. EMILY: You said they moved you upstairs to a larger office and gave you a new title and a better parking space. RICHARD: Emily, dammit, I am being phased out. EMILY: You are not. RICHARD: What do you mean I'm not? I know whether I'm being phased out. I invented phased out for this company. Don't you think I did the exact same thing to Alan Parker? EMILY: Alan Parker retired. RICHARD: Alan Parker was phased out. I now have his office, I now have his parking space. Do you know what happens from here? I lose more accounts, slowly but surely. They will put a younger man on them with me to be trained by the best. And then, one day they'll call and ask me to let that young man take a meeting without me, just to see how fast he's learning, and then suddenly that young man is given that account. And this happens again and again and again until I'm nothing, but a symbolic figurehead that they roll out for banquets and group pictures. And then one day, Emily, I will be asked to leave. EMILY: Well, so what? RICHARD: Excuse me. LORELAI: Dad, I don't think Mom meant exactly EMILY: So what if that's true? LORELAI: Or maybe she did. EMILY: There are other options. RICHARD: I don't want other options. I want to get up every morning and put on my suit, and go to my office, and do my work, like I've done everyday for the past thirty years. That's what I want to do. That's the only thing I want to do. [Rory leans into the hallway.] RORY: Um, excuse me, hi, sorry to interrupt, but I'm next. [They walk back into the ballroom] LADY AT PODIUM: Elizabeth Dotie, daughter of George Edward Dotie the fourth, and Elenor Dotie. [pause] Lorelai Gilmore, daughter of Christopher Hayden and Lorelai Gilmore. [Christopher and Rory walk down the stairs as Dean waits at the bottom. Christopher kisses Rory's hand, Rory curtsies, Christopher walks away, Dean walks Rory down the aisle.] EMILY: That should've been you up there. Nothing's turning out the way it was supposed to. [walks away] CUT TO STARS HOLLOW [Later that night, Lorelai, Christopher, Rory, and Dean walk down the sidewalk.] RORY: So did you know that you're considered a hot Dad? LORELAI: Hah! CHRISTOPHER: Really? RORY: Libby said that it's too bad you're my real Dad because if you were my stepdad, I could steal you away from mom. LORELAI: Ugh. CHRISTOPHER: That Libby's got a good life ahead of her. LORELAI: Well, I was very proud of all of you. You made it through the entire ceremony with a completely straight face. Almost all of you. CHRISTOPHER: I'm sorry, but that fan dance was more than I could take. LORELAI: Hey, I need a burger. RORY: Me too. Dean? DEAN: Honestly, the only thing I can think of is taking off this tux. LORELAI: Hey, watch it, you're talking to a lady now. DEAN: Well, how about if I do it at home? LORELAI: Better. RORY: Thanks again for going with me. DEAN: Tomorrow you start paying. Bye. [leaves] LORELAI: Bye. And then there were three. CHRISTOPHER: Actually, I have to get back to Boston first thing in the morning so I'm gonna call it a night too. RORY: What? Not even time for fries? CHRISTOPHER: I'll tell you what. I'll get up a little early and have coffee with you before I go. Deal? RORY: Deal. LORELAI: Honey, go ahead and order for us. I'll be there in a sec. RORY: Okay. [leaves] LORELAI: I just wanted to tell you how amazing you were tonight. Really, you completely came through for her. CHRISTOPHER: She deserves it. LORELAI: I haven't always given you a lot of credit in the past, but I'm giving you credit now. Big credit. Major credit. Buy yourself a sofa. CHRISTOPHER: Thanks. I will. LORELAI: You know, um, I happened to be looking through some old maps this afternoon and I couldn't help but notice that Boston is not that far away. CHRISTOPHER: Aw, you needed a map to tell you that? LORELAI: I also noticed that that, um, I-84 is a very good road. Solid, paved. CHRISTOPHER: Uh huh. LORELAI: And I put this information in my pretty little head, I was thinking, if you wanted to maybe drop by occasionally, it wouldn't be too difficult. CHRISTOPHER: You realize I'll be driving the Volvo? LORELAI: Actually, I'm coming around to the Vovlo. CHRISTOPHER: Really? LORELAI: Yes. I think it's sort of a Catholic schoolgirl thing, you know? It's conservative on the outside, bad on the inside. CHRISTOPHER: I like that image. LORELAI: I've also heard the I-84 can get jammed on the weekends. CHRISTOPHER: It can. LORELAI: So if you wanted to stay a little longer, just to avoid the traffic, it might be a good idea. I mean, Rory would definitely love it, and I wouldn't mind either. CHRISTOPHER: That is a tempting offer, but I really have to get back. LORELAI: To work? CHRISTOPHER: To work and to someone. LORELAI: Oh. CHRISTOPHER: I know I should've told you. LORELAI: Oh no, that's fine. That's totally your business. CHRISTOPHER: No, I meant to, but Lor, it's just that you and I are so connected and... LORELAI: Chris, please, I get it. I think it's really great, I really do. CHRISTOPHER: Thank you. LORELAI: So who is it? Ooh, let me guess. Linda from marketing got to you, didn't she? CHRISTOPHER: Her name is Sherri. LORELAI: Sherri from marketing? CHRISTOPHER: Sherri from Boston. LORELAI: Ah, hence the move. CHRISTOPHER: Yes. LORELAI: Is it serious? CHRISTOPHER: It's getting there. LORELAI: Seeing you in just a bowtie serious? CHRISTOPHER: We're living together. LORELAI: Wow, you really have changed. CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, well, Sherri made it pretty clear that I was gonna lose her if I didn't start getting it together, so... LORELAI: Yeah, well if you find a girl who's good with dating a square in a Volvo, you do what it takes to keep her. CHRISTOPHER: Okay, uh, so I'll. . .I'll see you back home. LORELAI: Yes you will. CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Rory is about to bite into her burger as Lorelai walks in.] LORELAI: [gasps] Hey! RORY: What? LORELAI: After all you've been through tonight and I come in here and find you eating like that. [Rory raises her pinkie] LORELAI: There you go. RORY: Being a lady is hard. LORELAI: So tonight, what's the consensus? RORY: The fan dance was humiliating, I'm never doing a curtsy again, but having Dad around was great. LORELAI: Yeah, it was. RORY: He's got a new girlfriend, you know. LORELAI: Sherri. RORY: Yeah. LORELAI: Poor girl's named after a Journey song, that's gotta be rough. RORY: He seems happy. LORELAI: He does. He really does. RORY: I'm glad. LORELAI: Me too. RORY: I feel kind of bad for Grandma though. She was so into this night and then she ended up being so miserable. LORELAI: Don't worry. She'll have more fun at the next one. RORY: Excuse me? LORELAI: Yes, we have you signed up for the next six balls. RORY: Not funny. LORELAI: Hey, you're doing this until you bring home a prize. RORY: Ignoring you now. [Luke brings Lorelai her burger.] LUKE: So, back from the ball huh? LORELAI: Yes, I left behind a glass slipper and a business card in case the prince is really dumb. LUKE: Good and desperate thinking. LORELAI: Thank you. Hmm, Luke. LUKE: What? [Lorelai nods towards Jess, who is wiping down the counter dressed like Luke, complete with flannel shirt and backwards baseball cap. Luke walks over to him.] LUKE: What do you think you're doing? JESS: Working. LUKE: So you think this is funny, huh? JESS: I'm sorry. I thought this was the uniform. LUKE: Okay, you know what, that's fine. Have your little joke, you know. It doesn't bother me at all. You just go over there and clean off that table, okay? I'm ignoring you. You do not exist. JESS: Okay. LUKE: That's it, get upstairs and change. JESS: Whatever you say Uncle Luke. LUKE: It's Luke, just Luke. Mister Luke. In fact, don't address me at all. LORELAI: You know, I'm really lucky. RORY: Yeah, why? LORELAI: I have someone to complain to when life sucks or work sucks or just everything sucks. I have someone I can talk to. RORY: Yeah, who? LORELAI: Oh Shecky, you kill me. It just must be really lonely not to have that. RORY: Are you thinking about Grandma? LORELAI: I'm just. . .thinking. CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Emily is gardening on the back patio as Lorelai walks out the back door.] LORELAI: Hey Mom. EMILY: What are you doing here? LORELAI: Oh, nothing much. I had a little time before my business class and I thought, 'Hey, why don't I just go over to Mom's house and just hang.' EMILY: Just what? LORELAI: Just hang, you know. Hang out. Talk, don't talk, whatever. Just hang. EMILY: Oh. LORELAI: So you're gardening, huh? EMILY: Yes. LORELAI: Okay. Well, don't let me stop you. I'll just sit here and just hang. EMILY: Are you sure you don't need something? LORELAI: Nope. I'm just here to hang. EMILY: Hang. Well. LORELAI: You know Mom, if there's ever anything you want to talk about with me, you can. EMILY: All right. LORELAI: Okay. So	Plan: A: her friends; Q: Who urged Emily to make Rory's debut at a society ball? A: Emily; Q: Who decides that Rory's debut at a society ball will be just the thing to get Richard back into the social swing? A: Lorelai's amazement; Q: What did Lorelai think of Rory's willingness to go to the ball? A: high gear shopping; Q: What does Emily do to prepare for Rory's debut? A: Christopher; Q: Who agrees to escort Rory to the ball? A: his new responsible side; Q: What does Lorelai like about Christopher? A: a shock; Q: What does Lorelai get when she learns about Christopher's new relationship? Summary: At the urging of her friends, Emily decides that Rory's making her debut at a society ball will be just the thing to get Richard back into the social swing. To Lorelai's amazement, Rory willingly agrees and Emily goes into high gear shopping in preparation. Christopher agrees to escort Rory and Lorelai becomes entranced by his new responsible side, but gets a shock when she learns about his new relationship.
Scene: A supermarket Amy: I've never seen him this happy before. Leonard: That's because you've never seen him on restock the medicine cabinet day. Sheldon: Look. A new topical antihistamine with lidocaine. Wow. I can't wait until I get a rash. Leonard: Oh, Gas-X has a new ultra strength. I guess they really do read their mail. Sheldon: Hey, isn't that Professor Proton? Leonard: Oh, yeah. Sheldon: Look at him, just standing in line like he wasn't moderately famous 30 years ago. Let's go say hello. Leonard: Oh, maybe we shouldn't bother him. Sheldon: I'm not going to bother him, I'm going to talk to him. Leonard: He thinks there's a difference. Sheldon: Arthur? Arthur, it's me, Sheldon Cooper. You may not remember because of your advanced age. Arthur: Trust me, I, I remember. Sheldon: This is my girlfriend, Amy. Amy, this is television legend Arthur Jeffries. His science show inspired millions of children. Arthur: Hold, hold, hold on. You, you have a girlfriend? Amy: Yes, and I've heard so much about you. Hey look, we're wearing the same orthopaedic shoes. I can't believe I dress like a celebrity. Arthur: Oh, okay, I get it now. Leonard: Dr. Jeffries, hello again. Leonard Hofstadter. Arthur: Oh, oh, right, I remember your, your girlfriend. Is, is she, is she here? Leonard: No, she's not. Sheldon: So, what prescription are you getting filled? Leonard: Sheldon. Sheldon: No. Wait, I want to guess. Don't tell me. Arthur: I wasn't going to tell you. Amy: Sheldon, come on. Sheldon: No, no, no. I'm really good at this. All right, give me a hint. Does it involve difficulty initiating a stream of anything? Arthur: Well, given my age, that's more than just a lucky guess. Leonard: Hey, Sheldon, let's go mock the people buying homeopathic medicine, you love that. Sheldon: But I'm hanging out with my friend, and we're having fun. Look how happy he is. Credits sequence. The cafeteria. Howard: Bernie's having a girls' night on Friday at our place. You want to do something? Raj: Actually, I'm busy. Howard: Doing what? Raj: There's a new sports bar over on Colorado Ave... Howard: You're going to girls' night. Raj: Yeah. Howard: You know they're making jewellery right? Raj: You think they came up with that? They were going to drink beer and play darts. Leonard: What's up? Howard: Not his testosterone levels. Raj: Excuse me. I happen to be very comfortable with my masculinity. Howard: How is that possible? Leonard: Hey, I got an email from Professor Proton. Sheldon: Goody. What's it say? Leonard: He's working on a paper about nano vacuum tubes, and wants to know if I'd take a look at it. Sheldon: That's strange. That he would come to you for that and not me. Oh, I got two emails from him. Do you have Leonard's email address? And. Never mind, I found it. I can't believe he picked you over me. Howard: You don't want to read a paper by some old has-been who hasn't done any real science in decades. Raj: Yeah, it's nothing to cry about. Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper does not cry. Howard: It's true, you'd rust. Scene: The apartment. Sheldon: And to think I idolized that man. And why? At the end of the day he's just another Hollywood phony. Amy: Is it really worth getting upset about? Sheldon: Yeah, they say don't meet your heroes. Don't peek behind that curtain of fame and celebrity, because if you do, you'll see them as they really are, degenerate carnival folk. Amy: Come on, he's a retired kids show host. Sheldon: That's even worse. Using the sweet candy of science to trick children into loving him. Pervert. Amy: Have you ever thought about why Arthur didn't want you to read his paper? Sheldon: Yes, I have. And my only conclusion is the prescription he was picking up the other day was for cuckoo pills. Amy: Maybe he found you, um, a bit much. Sheldon: That's kind of a stretch. Look, when it comes to social skills, I've mastered the big three. There's the coy smile. There's the friendly chuckle. There's the vocalization of sympathy. Aw. That last one's tricky, I'm still working on it. Amy: From what I saw the other day, I could understand why he and some people might find you... Sheldon: What? Amy: Doesn't matter. Sheldon: No, go ahead, say it. I know what it is. I've heard it my whole life. The word's annoying. Go ahead, say it. Say it. Say I'm annoying. Amy: Sheldon. Sheldon: Oh, it won't hurt my feelings. Go ahead, Amy, say I'm annoying. I'm annoying. I'm annoying. I'm annoying. Yeah, now, uh, now where are you going? Look, you know you want to say it, say it. Say I'm annoying. Go ahead, say it. Say it. Say it. Amy, say it. Well, she can't stand it when I'm right. Scene: Howard and Bernadette's apartment. Amy: This is fun. I'm going to feel like such a vixen wearing jewellery that doesn't have a list of medications I'm allergic to. Raj: Penny, how's it going over there? Penny: Good, I'm just having little trouble with the glue. Amy: How do you not know how to use glue? Did you ditch pre-school? Penny: Yeah, but only because I was dating a second grader. Howard: Hello, everyone. Raj: Okay, let me have it. Let's hear all the Raj is a girl jokes. Howard: Nope. Bernadette told me it isn't nice and I'm not allowed. Raj: Thank you. Howard: So I won't be making fun of you, or the things you like, or the fact that you just want to have fu-un. Bernadette: Howie, stop. Come on, look at what I'm making. Howard: Oh, that's actually pretty nice. Amy: I'm making a bracelet. Penny: Yeah, I'm just making a mess. Howard: You know, instead of beads and glue, you guys can use my soldering iron. You'd be able to make much cooler stuff. Raj: Oh, I think we're doing just fine, thank you. Amy: Actually, I'd kind of like to try that. Bernadette: Me, too. Howard: Be right back. Penny: When did I have pistachios? Scene: Professor Proton's house. Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Arthur. (Knock, knock, knock) Arthur. (Knock, knock, knock) Arthur. Door knocker. That's TV money. Arthur: Sheldon, what are you doing here? Sheldon: I'm sorry, did I wake you? Arthur: Of course you woke me, it's seven thirty. Sheldon: Well, I would have been here sooner, but for some reason your home isn't on this map of Hollywood stars. Arthur: What do you want, Sheldon? Sheldon: It's been pointed out by my girlfriend that I may have been annoying to you. Arthur: She sounds like a keeper. Sheldon: Anyway, I wanted to apologize. I am truly sorry. Arthur: All right, apology accepted. Have a nice night. Sheldon: No, no, now that we've cleared the air, I wanted to discuss another matter with you. Arthur: Sheldon, in a couple hours I have to get up, pee and then wander around the house. Sheldon: Well, then, I'll make this quick. Um, I want to talk about the paper you sent Leonard. Now, I know he said it's promising and he's going to collaborate on it, but now that you and I are friends again, I am at your disposal. And, um, frankly, lending my name and reputation to it will help, because a lot of people think that you're a washed-up has-been. Or dead. Arthur: I should be so lucky. Sheldon: So, uh, what do you say? Arthur: You know, if it's all the same with you, I, I think I'll, I'll stick with Leonard. Sheldon: It's because I'm annoying, right? I know it is. Say it. Say it. Say I'm annoying. Arthur: Good night. Sheldon: Say it. Arthur, say it. Say I'm annoying. Say it. Say it. I'm annoying. Say it. Arthur: You're annoying. Sheldon: Well, that really hurt. Scene: Leonard's laboratory. Leonard: If you would have told me when I was a kid that someday I would be doing science next to Professor Proton, I would not have believed you. Arthur: If someone had told me that people would still call me Professor Proton when I was 83 years old, I never would have quit smoking. Leonard: I'm sorry, Dr. Jeffries, I'm just excited. This nano vacuum tube idea of yours is, it's really interesting. Sheldon: Hello, Leonard. Oh, hello, Arthur. What an odd coincidence that you're both here. Leonard: Why is it odd? Sheldon: Because as it just so happens, I'm also spending the day with a beloved children's television science personality. Isn't that right, new friend and colleague Bill Nye the Science Guy. Sorry, I replaced you with a newer model. Bill Nye: Wow, Arthur Jeffries. It's an honour to meet you. My show never would have happened without yours. Arthur: That's what I told my lawyers. Leonard: Mr. Nye, hello. I'm sorry he got you involved in this nonsense. Bill: He said I'd be speaking to a class. Sheldon: No, I said you were teaching someone a lesson. Now let's go. Bill: What are you guys working on? Leonard: Oh, uh, we're making nano vacuum tubes. Bill: Oh, that's interesting. Arthur: Haven't you stolen enough from me? Back off, bow tie. Scene: Penny's apartment. Penny: Hey, guys, what do you think? Amy: Wow, Penny, good job. Penny: Thanks. Target, four ninety-nine. I'm getting a drink. Amy: What are you working on? Raj: Ah, I'm making a necklace for my mom. Amy: That's sweet. Raj: Yeah, she and my dad are going through a bit of a rough patch, so I wanted to do something to let her know I was thinking about her. Penny: What's going on with them? Raj: They're just having a little trouble communicating. My dad says it's because the sound of my mom's voice makes him want to tear his ears off and sew them over his eyes so he never has to look at her again. Bernadette: Hi. Penny: Hey, guys. Amy: Hello. Howard: Look who's here to put the Jew in jewellery night. Bernadette: Oh, sure, so it's fine when you say it. Howard: Sorry we're late. I wanted to swing by the lab and pick up some even cooler tools for us to use. Raj: I didn't know you were coming again. Howard: Well, last week was a blast. Plus, I thought you might like having a guy here. Penny (laughing): It was not funny. Amy: So, what tools did you bring? Howard: Everything we need to make jewellery moulds. Here's some silver, a crucible and an acetylene torch to melt it down. Penny: Ooh, that looks like fun. Bernadette: Maybe you should master glue before you move on to fire. Howard: Okay, who's up first? Amy: Rajesh, do you want to make a bracelet for your mom to go with the necklace? Raj: No, thanks. Howard: I was gonna make a necklace for my mom, but unfortunately she doesn't have a neck. She's just chins and fat and feet. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: Leonard's laboratory. Leonard: Okay, we're almost ready to go. Once we bond the wires, we can test the tubes. Arthur: This is so exciting, I, I feel like I'm 75 again. Leonard: Oh, God. Arthur: What, what is it? Leonard: Sheldon just sent me a picture of him and Bill Nye getting smoothies. Arthur: Can, can I ask you a question? Leonard: Yeah, sure. Arthur: Why do you put up with Sheldon? Leonard: Oh, uh, you know, because we're friends. Arthur: Why? Leonard: Wow, you ask really hard questions. Arthur: Yeah. Leonard: Look, I know he can be aggravating, but what you have to remember is that he's not doing it on purpose. It's just how he is. But he's also loyal and trustworthy and we have fun together. Arthur: You, you know you're describing a dog. Leonard: He did bite me once. But in his defence, I came up behind him while he was eating, so... Arthur: Yeah, they, they hate that. Leonard: You know what, Sheldon is the smartest person I have ever met. And he's a little broken and he needs me. I guess I need him, too. Arthur: Why, why is that? Leonard: Boy, you will not let this go, will you? Oh, jeez. Arthur: Another photo from Sheldon? Leonard: No, I have to go pick him up. Bill Nye ditched him at the smoothie place. Arthur: He probably stole his wallet, too. Scene: Penny's apartment. Howard: You know, if you guys are interested, there's a technique where I can take a lock of your hair, refine it into carbon dust and use the hydraulic press at work to turn it into a tiny little diamond with your DNA in it. Penny: Oh, that's amazing, Howard: Yeah. See Bernie's engagement ring? That came right off my mom's back. Bernadette: He's kidding. If that were true, it'd be so much bigger. Raj: My name is Howard. I can make your hair into diamonds. My mom is morbidly obese. Everybody love me. Howard: Whoa, where is that coming from? Raj: I'll tell you where it's coming from. All you do is make fun of me for coming to girls' night and now you're here ruining it for everyone. Penny: Raj, cool it, he's gonna make us hair diamonds. Howard: How am I ruining anything? I'm just trying to help you make better jewellery. Raj: But this isn't about the jewellery. This is about me having a place where I can open up about my feelings. Howard: Since when can't you open up with me? Raj: There are just some things that I feel more comfortable sharing with the girls, because they won't make fun of me or and call me names, or ask me if my Koothrapanties are in a bunch. Howard: Buddy, I was just joking around. Raj: Yeah, well, sometimes your jokes hurt. Howard: You're right. I didn't realize I was making you feel that way. It was very brave of you to tell me. Raj: Thank you. It wasn't easy. Amy: They're gonna have s*x before Sheldon and I do, I know it. Scene: The apartment. Sheldon: Arthur? Arthur: Hi, Sheldon. Sheldon: I'm surprised to see you here. Arthur: Yeah, me, too. Somewhere around the third floor I began to see a, a white light. Sheldon: I'll get Leonard. Arthur: No, no, no, I'm, I'm here, I'm here to see you. Sheldon: If you're hoping to get in touch with Bill Nye, I can't help you. I've been informed that he's now Bill Nye the Restraining Order Guy. Arthur: No, I, I, I was thinking, if it isn't too much trouble, I'd like to get your opinion about my, my paper. Sheldon: Thank you. It would be an honour. Arthur: Oh. Uh, great. Sheldon: Actually, I don't need that. I hacked into your e-mail account and read it. Arthur: And, what did you think? Sheldon: Well, first, I think the fact that you use your birthday as a password is embarrassing. Arthur: Mmm. Thank you. Sheldon: Second, um, I thought your paper was inspired. Arthur: Oh, well, that, that means a lot to me. Sheldon: Can I invite you in for tea? Arthur: Uh, no, no. I, I really, I have, I have to run. Penny: Hey, Arthur. How are you? Arthur: Well, I guess one cup wouldn't hurt. Scene: Howard and Bernadette's apartment. Howard: Oh, hey, buddy, what's up? Raj: Well, I was feeling bad about how I acted the other night so I made you a little something. Howard: You didn't have to do that. Raj: Well, it was fun. I used some of the jewellery techniques you taught us. It's a lightsabre belt buckle. Howard: Wow, this is so cool. Thanks. Raj: Oh gets better. Howard: Wow. Raj: And that's not even the best part. See? I have one, too. Check it out. You can wear yours and we can have little sword fights whenever we want. Scene: The apartment. Sheldon: Yeah, and my eighth favourite episode of Professor Proton was Alka-Seltzer rocket. You said, plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh, what a blast-off it is. Remember? Remember that? Remember? Leonard: He can't help it. He can't. He really can't. Sheldon: Oh, wait here. I'll get some Alka-Seltzer, we can build that rocket, and we can shoot it at Bill Nye's house. As long as I'm not within 500 feet of it. Arthur: So, you, uh, you have, you have any, single grandmothers? Penny: Sorry, they're both married. Arthur: Good. Penny: Mmm. Arthur: Hap, hap, happily?	Plan: A: Amy; Q: Who says that Arthur Jeffries comes across as annoying? A: Dr. Arthur Jeffries; Q: Who is Professor Proton? A: Arthur; Q: Who asks Leonard to review his paper? A: his recent paper; Q: What does Arthur ask Leonard to review? A: The next day; Q: When does Sheldon tell them that his new friend is Bill Nye? A: Bill Nye "the science guy; Q: Who does Sheldon introduce to the group as his new friend? A: his quirks; Q: What does Leonard think makes Sheldon the smartest person he knows? A: Leonard's answer; Q: What moves Arthur to ask Sheldon to review his paper? A: a cup; Q: How much tea does Arthur stay for after Sheldon reviews his paper? A: Penny; Q: Who does Arthur see in the guys' apartment? A: Howard; Q: Who upset Raj by offering better equipment? A: Raj; Q: Who mocks Howard for his actions? A: jewellery; Q: What are Raj and the girls making during girls' night? A: another girls' night; Q: What does Howard join the girls for after Raj feels left out? A: his feelings; Q: What does Raj feel he can't express to Howard? A: a pair; Q: How many belt buckles does Raj make? A: techniques; Q: What did Howard teach Raj to make lightsaber belt buckles? Summary: Sheldon, Leonard and Amy run into Dr. Arthur Jeffries (Professor Proton) at the drug store. Arthur emails Leonard to ask him to review his recent paper. Sheldon wonders why he was not asked; Amy says he comes across as annoying. Sheldon goes to apologize to Arthur, but annoys him more. The next day, Sheldon informs them his new friend is another famous TV scientist, Bill Nye "the science guy". After Sheldon and Bill leave, Arthur asks Leonard why he lives with Sheldon. Leonard explains he is the smartest person he knows, despite his quirks, and they need each other. As Leonard's answer moves him, Arthur asks Sheldon to review his paper and even stays for a cup of tea but only after seeing Penny in the guys' apartment. Meanwhile, Howard crashes in on Raj and the girls making jewellery during girls' night, and takes over by offering them better equipment, upsetting Raj. Howard joins the girls again for another girls' night; Raj feels left out but cannot express his feelings. Raj mocks Howard, who apologizes on discovering how much Raj's feelings were hurt. Feeling bad, Raj makes a pair of lightsaber belt buckles using techniques Howard taught him.
Act One. Scene One - Radio Station. Frasier is well into his show as he takes another caller. Frasier: Hello Doug, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. I'm listening. Doug: [v.o:] Look, it's about my mother. She's getting on now and she doesn't have much of a life. And she doesn't want to do anything or go anywhere and she literally hangs around the house all day. I mean, it's very frustrating... Frasier: I'm sorry Doug, can we just go back a second? You said your mother literally hangs around the house. Well, I suppose it's a pet peeve of mine but I suppose what you mean is that she figuratively "hangs around" the house. To literally hang around the house you'd have to be a bat or spider monkey. Now, back to your problem? Doug: Do you mind if we stop while I tell you my pet peeve? Frasier: Not at all. Doug: [angry] I hate it when intellectual pinheads with superiority complexes nit-pick your grammar when they come to you for help. That's what I got a problem with! [hangs up] Frasier: [happily:] I think what he means is, that is a thing with which he has a problem. Now it's time for a station break and we'll be right back after a word from our friends at [reads:] "Pizza, Pizza, Pizza." He puts on the commercial. Roz enters. Roz: Hey, do you want to know my pet peeve? It's when you're in a department store and the clerk is right in the middle of helping you and the phone rings. So he starts taking care of them. And you're left standing there going, "Excuse me, but all I did was come all the way down here in person, whilst some joker is sitting at home in his underwear getting first rate service!" Don't you hate that? Frasier: Actually, I do most of my shopping by phone. You know Roz, this conversation with Doug has got me thinking about my father. He doesn't do much of anything either. He just sits around most of the time watching TV and doing the occasional crossword puzzle. What does your mother do? Roz: She's the attorney general of Wisconsin. Frasier: [not believing:] No, really! Roz: Really! Frasier: I guess that helps fill her day. Roz: Yeah, quote mom, "Crime never stops - even in the dairy state!" Frasier: [laughs] I don't think public office is for Dad, but maybe I could find him a hobby or something. Any suggestions? Roz: Well, in her spare time my mom likes to water ski a little. She hikes, oil paints... oh, she likes archaeology. She's on a dig in Honduras right now. Frasier: [making up for it:] Well, maybe I could get him a wood burning set. [SCENE_BREAK] A ROOM WITH A VIEW Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. Daphne enters from the bedroom to find Frasier standing near the balcony assembling a telescope. Frasier: Is Dad still asleep? Daphne: Yes, he's napping with the dog. Eddie's little legs are going like mad. I think he's dreaming about chasing rabbits. [thinks] I can't explain your father's twitching! Frasier: [focusing telescope:] I think I'm just about done with this thing. Daphne: I think your dad's going to love it. Frasier: Me, too. I was walking through the hobby shop and saw this thing and it was like, "Eureka!" I actually said "Eureka!" [looking through scope:] Ah, yes. There are a million stories in the naked city. [hopeful:] Now if we could just find a naked one. Daphne: [mock anger:] Dr. Crane, you naughty boy. Peeking in on other people's privacy. Frasier: Daphne, really. I mean, if people were so concerned about their precious privacy they wouldn't leave their blinds open at that certain angle where you can see the mirror over the mantle that reflects down the hall to the water bed in the back room! Daphne: I think I hear your father coming. Stand in front of it, we'll make this a little surprise. They stand in front of the telescope so Martin at first won't be able to see it. Martin enters from his room. Martin: Hi, guys. Frasier: Dad. Daphne: How was your nap? Martin: Great, I had the strangest dream. I dreamt this beautiful woman with bad breath was licking my face. At this point Eddie comes out the bedroom and jumps onto the sofa. Martin realizes the source of the dream. Martin: [to Eddie:] Hey, where did you just come from? Frasier: Dad, I got a surprise for you. Daphne and Martin step away revealing the scope. Martin: Hey, it's a beaut. What's the occasion? Frasier: Oh, no occasion, just thought you'd like it. Martin: Wow, that's great, thanks. You know, I saw in the news there's a bunch of falcons nesting in the eaves of the Columbia Tower. Maybe I can watch them from here. Frasier: Dad, Dad, forget the falcons. You can see everything that's going on in that apartment building over there. Martin: [objecting:] Hey, I've locked people up for that kind of behavior. Frasier: Oh come on, it's perfectly innocent - just think of it as a hundred more channels to watch. Daphne: [looking in scope:] Just look at them, people going about their lives. There's an old couple watching the telly, and just next door an attractive young woman is working at a computer, while below her a burly man is using a beach towel to soak up a large pool of blood... oh my God! Martin: What? Both Martin and Frasier go to look - banging their heads in doing so. Frasier stands aside to let the cop have a look: Martin: [looking:] No, that's tomato juice - you can see the can on the counter. You're right about that woman at the computer though, she's a looker. Frasier: Ah, you see, there's a voyeur in all of us. Martin: Well, let's see what else the Seattle skyline has to offer. Daphne: I say we make a strict rule, though: if anybody starts doing anything nasty we move on. Agreed? [they don't respond] I said, agreed? They eventually relent, look at each other and respond with a reluctant "yeah." Martin: [laughs:] Well, there's a lady over there with a telescope. She's looking right back at us. Frasier: [nervous:] What shall we do? Daphne: [worried:] Hide! Frasier goes for cover behind the fireplace as Daphne ducks behind the centre pole. Frasier: I knew it, I knew it, every time we do something bad we get caught! Martin: [waves and shouts:] Hi, how you doing? Frasier: What are you doing? Martin: She's waving at us, I'm waving back. Frasier: Don't do that! Martin: Why not? Hey wait, she's writing something down. She's holding it up. It says, "Hello there, stranger." [laughs] Hey Daphne, get me that pad and pen. Frasier: What for? Martin: So I can answer her. Write down "My name is Martin." Frasier: Dad, Dad you shouldn't encourage this person. I don't really want people looking in on our lives. I don't think I've even made my bed today. Daphne: Is she writing anything else? Martin: Yeah. [reads:] "My name is Irene." Her name's Irene. Daphne: Her name's Irene. Frasier: [sarcastic:] Thank you. Martin: Wait, she's writing something else. [reads:] "Is that Dr. Crane from the radio hiding in the back?" Frasier: It does not say that! [looks] It does say that. [he waves back:] Hi! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment. Three mornings later Martin is sitting on a stool looking through the telescope. There are reams of wadded-up paper laying near him. Daphne is sitting on the step scribbling down Martin's dictations. Martin: Her older son's an accountant in Portland. Daphne: He was the breech birth, right? Martin: No, that's Dennis in Boise. Daphne: Oh right, he's the one with the wife that won't let him visit. I can't stand her. Frasier: [enters from room in gown:] Morning Dad, Daphne. [waves to window:] Morning, Irene. Martin: Hey Frasier, when you were a kid, what was the name of that skin condition you had on your butt? Frasier: Pityriasis Rosea. Daphne: How do you spell that? Frasier: [curious:] Why? Martin: Irene and I are exchanging family histories. Frasier: I really don't think your girlfriend needs to know about that. Martin: [objecting:] She's not my girlfriend! Frasier: Oh, come on. You two have been exchanging notes now for the past three days. If you were in the sixth grade you would be sitting in a tree "K-I-S-S-I-N-G." Here Daphne, let me borrow that pen. [he does] Martin: What are you doing? Frasier: I'm going to help along your little romance and possibly save a small forest. I'm giving her our telephone number. Martin: [in terror:] No, no, no, no, no, don't do that! Frasier: Why? Martin: Well, she'll think I'm being too forward. Frasier: For God's sake, Dad, you met peeping into her apartment. Martin: [sure:] She's not going to call. Frasier: You want to bet? Martin: Yeah, five bucks. Frasier: [holds card up:] Okay. There is less than a second of silence before the phone begins to ring and Frasier smirks at his father smugly. Frasier: Well, are you going to answer? Martin: You get it. Frasier: Dad, it's for you! Martin, however, will not answer so Frasier does the honors. Frasier: [into phone:] Hello. No, no, this is Frasier. Hi. I'm fine. Well, it gets a little flaky when the weather's dry. [rubs butt] Martin: [whispers:] Tell her I'm not home. Frasier: Dad, she knows you're home - she's looking at you through the telescope. Daphne: Come on, you're just a little nervous. Martin: [into phone at last:] Hello? Hi. Yeah, it's nice hearing yours. Can you hold on a minute? [puts phone to his chest, then to Frasier and Daphne:] Would you two get out of here? Daphne and Frasier relent and let him have his private conversation. Reset to: Kitchen They enter the kitchen where they chat. Daphne: I'm getting a very good feeling about this. Frasier: Really? You really think he's interested in her? Daphne: [laughs:] Yes, I think so. They chuckle along together as Daphne takes a coffee cake out of the oven. Daphne: Do you want to hear something cute, Dr. Crane? I made him this rich gooey coffee cake this morning, because you know what a sweet tooth he has. And he wouldn't take one bite because - as he put it - "Women don't like a spare tire on a man." Frasier: [laughs] That's so cute. Oh, it's funny, you know - the twists and turns of fate. If I had tried to set Dad up with a woman he would have rejected the idea out of hand - but I go out get him this telescope for a hobby and it kindles this romance. It's Kismet! As Daphne begins cutting the cake, Martin enters the kitchen and begins looking in the fridge without saying a word. Frasier and Daphne just stare at him until: Frasier: Well? Martin: What? Daphne: What happened? Martin: [cool:] We talked on the phone. Daphne: [knowingly:] And? Was she nice, was she interesting? What did she say? Martin: She said a lot of stuff. Frasier: [certain:] So it would be safe to assume that you two will be seeing each other? Martin: Ah, she wanted to, but I said no. Frasier: [confused:] No? Why? Martin: She's not my type. [notices cake, then enthusiastically:] Oh, coffee cake! We got any butter round here? [SCENE_BREAK] FORCAS FRACAS Scene Four - Café Nervosa. That afternoon Frasier and Niles are having on of their snobby chats in their sanctuary. Niles: You know Brewster Cale? The pompous twit who is the president of our wine club? [Frasier nods.] Well, at our meeting the other night I convinced some of my fellow psychiatrists to play a little prank on him. When he thought he was tasting the Chateau Petrus, he was in fact sipping a Forcas Dupres. You see, we'd switched the labels. [laughs at the farce] Frasier: [sarcastic:] What scamps you are! Niles: There he was, proclaiming the Petrus to be the superior wine and of course none of us could contain our laughter. Frasier: His face must have turned redder than a "Piechoné Logeavie." Niles: Well of course, as so often happens, rough house turns to tears. At the end of the evening, Brewster tended his resignation. Frasier: That must have put a damper on the evening. Niles: Well, not really. I'm the new president. Frasier: Kudos indeed. Niles: Oh, oh, oh, is our dad and his lady friend still playing telescope footsy? What was her name? Frasier: Irene. No, they've broken it off. Niles: Already? I thought it was going so well. Frasier: Well it was, but then they spoke once and Dad said that she wasn't his type. [objecting:] So, it's over - done! He's completely cut her out of his life. I just don't understand what would make him do that. Niles: Oh, who knows why anybody does anything? Frasier: Remind me again what you do for a living? You see the thing is, it was just one phone call. How can anyone make a sound judgment about another person on the basis of one phone call? Niles: Remind me again what it is YOU do for a living? Frasier: Well anyway, I suppose it could be any number of reasons. Fear of rejection, shyness... Niles: [obviously leading up to something] Or maybe Dad was telling the truth and he just wasn't her type. If only we knew someone who was... I know! Maris's lovely Aunt Patrice is in town visiting from Washington, D.C. Oh, oh, oh, maybe we should set Dad up with her. Frasier: [objecting:] No, Niles, I've met Aunt Patrice. The woman is a loon. Niles: Frasier, do this for me. Every time Aunt Patrice comes to visit, Maris makes all these plans, before she dives under the duvet with a two-week migraine and I'm left holding the bag - literally and figuratively. Frasier: Oh, I don't think so, Niles. I know Dad, don't meddle. Niles: Alright, the least you could do is say hello to Aunt Patrice. Frasier: I'm not driving out to your house. Niles: You don't have to. She's sitting out in the car. Frasier: You left her in the car?! Niles: I cracked open a window. Frasier: Well, then she's fine. End Of Act One. (Time: 11:48) Act Two. Scene One - Frasier's Apartment. Frasier is on the phone to his son that evening as Martin sits reading the paper. Frasier: [into phone:] Now calm down son, listen to daddy. It's just a bad dream. I promise you, Senator Thurmond is not in your closet. That's a good boy. Yes, okay you go back to bed now. I love you too. Listen, I'll see you next weekend. Okay, bye bye. [hangs up] Martin: How's Freddie? Frasier: Oh, Frederick is fine. Oh, he sends his love. He said to thank you for the toy gun you gave him. At least what he can remember of it before Lilith smashed it to bits with a croquet mallet. Daphne: [enters and looks through telescope:] Oh it's such a beautiful night. The city is lit up like a jewel. Oh look, there's Irene. She's sitting in her window wearing a stunning green dress. But her face, it's so sad. Frasier: [looks:] Oh, oh, she's holding a note. It says, "Martin, was it something I wrote?" Martin: Will you cut it out? Irene is not sitting in her window. Frasier: Oh alright Dad, no she isn't, but she might as well be, for god's sakes. That's gotta be what she's thinking! Martin: Haven't you ever met a woman and then decide she's not the one? [doorbell sounds] Frasier: Yes, five years after I married her. Frasier opens the door to Niles and Maris's Aunt Patrice. Niles: Hello there, Frasier. Frasier: Niles - I was specifically not expecting you. Niles: Frasier, you remember Aunt Patrice. Frasier: [greets her:] Well, of course. Aunt Patrice, yes. I don't recall really when we met but I believe there was a lot of laughing and dancing. Patrice: My husband's funeral. Frasier: Yes... well, of course, the laughter was to hide our tears. Let me take your wrap. [he does] Patrice: Thank you. Niles: We were taking a drive and I thought, "Why, we are just a couple of short ferry rides from Frasier's," so we decided to pop over. Patrice: [pointing at Martin:] Niles, is this the charming gentleman you were telling me about? Niles: Oh, Patrice, you bloodhound. You've treed another one! Yes, this is my dad. Martin: How do you do, Patrice, I'm Martin Crane. This is Daphne Moon. Daphne: Nice to meet you. [points to seat:] Please. Patrice: Thank you. [sits] Martin: So, what brings you to Seattle? Patrice: Well, I came to see Maris, but the poor thing's taken to her bed again. To this day I have no idea how tall she is. Niles: Yes, so I've had Patrice all to myself and we've had a great time, haven't we? Patrice: Well, if you call sitting in your waiting room for four hours reading old magazines a great time, well then yes - we had a laugh riot. Niles: Oh, now I know where Maris gets her sense of humor! Patrice: [laughs] Oh. Daphne: Why don't I pop into the kitchen and gets us all some refreshments? Niles: A capital idea, and why don't Frasier and I join you? That'll give these kids some time to get to know one another. [SCENE_BREAK] Reset to: Kitchen Niles, Frasier and Daphne enter the kitchen. Daphne knocks up some refreshments as Frasier gives Niles a stern lecture. Frasier: Niles, I distinctly told you not to bring her here. Niles: I ran out of ways to entertain her. We went to the arboretum, a fashion show, a matinée of "La Cage Aux Folles" and we even spat off the top of the Space Needle. I'm sorry, I cracked! Frasier: Niles, that woman is certainly not Dad's type. Niles: You never know when love can bloom between two people who seem so different on the surface. [hoping:] Do you, Daphne? Daphne: To tell you the truth, I never thought opposites attract. Niles: Neither do I, we are alike in so many ways! Frasier: Oh come on, Niles. We can't leave Dad out there alone with her any longer. Reset to: Living Room They re-enter the living room. Niles: I'm sure they're doing just fine. Patrice: [o.s.:] D'goo y'goo sp'geak g-sp'geak? Niles: Oh Lord, I was afraid of this. Martin is having trouble with her in the room as Niles and Frasier dash in. Martin: What? Patrice: [slower:] D'goo y'goo sp'geak g-sp'geak? Martin: [worried:] Niles, I think she's having a stroke or something. Niles: No, no Dad. It's just G-speak. Martin: Come again? Niles: It's something Maris and Aunt Patrice love to try out at parties. Patrice: Yes, you just speak a "g" in every syllable. So you would be, "M'garg-tin Cr'gane." Just say it with me, come on... M'garg-tin... Niles: I don't think Dad's interested. Patrice: Oh, b'ge ag sp'gort, Gniles. Frasier: What did she say? Niles: She said, "Be a sport, Niles." Patrice: B'ge, agus, gesport, geda! Frasier: Dad, do you still have your gun loaded? Martin: It's in my top drawer. Patrice: Isn't it a hoot? Of course, it's all the rage in Washington. You know who speaks it all the time? G'George G'Step-gan-ogp-ogu-logs. Daphne: [enters from kitchen:] I found some pizza rolls in the back of the freezer, but the expiration date was yesterday - are we game? Frasier: Er, that won't be necessary, Daphne. We don't want to spoil our appetites for that dinner we're about to leave for in twenty minutes. Martin: Yeah, that's right, that dinner in... er... twenty minutes. Patrice: Oh Niles, I told you we shouldn't have just stopped by. These people have plans. Niles: How I envy them. Patrice: I enjoyed meeting you, Martin. Martin: [shakes her hand] Likewise. Patrice: Oh, now, now, you can do better than that. Patrice moves in to hug him, however he backs away and also away from the window. Frasier and Daphne look at each other knowingly. Patrice finally gets what she wanted. Patrice: I'll look forward to my next trip to Seattle. Oh, and if you're ever in the Washington area - I'm in the b'gook. Bye-bye. Niles eventually drags his aunt-in-law out of the apartment. Martin: What the hell was that? Daphne: I feel sorry for the poor thing. Martin: I feel sorry for Niles. Daphne: That's who I'm talking about. She leaves to the kitchen. Frasier: You know, I saw what you just did. Martin: What did who do? Frasier: When Patrice went to hug you, you moved away. Martin: [laughs] Well, wouldn't you? Frasier: No, Dad, no. You moved away from the window. You didn't want Irene to see you with another woman. You still care about her. Martin: Hey, go chase yourself. Frasier: Dad, you do. There's something stopping you from having a relationship with this woman. Now, what is it? Martin: You're not going to let go of this thing, are you? Frasier: No, I'm not! Martin: Alright. Irene's middle name is Rose. Frasier: So? Rose is a nice name. Rose was mother's middle name. [realises] Oh. Martin: Yeah. Frasier: Oh Dad, you can't feel guilty about that. Gee, mom's been gone for six years now. Your feelings for Irene are totally severed from your feelings for Mom. You know, if she was here, if she could tell you, she'd want you to get on with your life. Martin: Okay, when I'm ready. Thanks, Frasier. You know - I guess I don't say it often enough but you're a good kid. Frasier: Well, thanks Dad. You know, there's something I don't say often enough... Martin: [correcting:] There's nothing you don't say often enough. Frasier: [realizes what he means] Right, Dad. Reset to: Kitchen Martin enters the kitchen to find Daphne busying herself in the fridge. Daphne: I couldn't help but overhear. That was a very nice thing to say. Martin: Yeah, he's a good kid. Daphne: The only strange part is - I could have sworn Irene's middle name was Marie. Martin: No, it isn't. Daphne: Well, I could go and check. I still have all our notes in the trash. Martin: Alright, alright... well, I had to tell him something. Look, I don't know why he just won't believe me when I tell him that Irene just isn't my type. Daphne: You sure she isn't? Martin: You're going to get on my back too? Daphne: No, but I was just wondering if the reason why things didn't work out between you and Irene was, well... Martin: What? Daphne: Well, maybe if you weren't just a little self-conscious about your hip? Martin: That's ridiculous. Daphne: Well, I'm glad to hear that, because you really don't have anything to be self-conscious about, you know. With that silvery mane, twinkling blue eyes and whiskey voice. You're quite a package. Martin: [laughs] Yeah, I'm quite a catch. Daphne: You are. And you know as well as I do that history is full of sexy limpers. For instance, Franklin Delano Roosevelt. [then:] Of course he didn't limp so much as roll. Oh, I know, Toulouse Lautrec. [then:] Although he was rather a little person. Still, he did rather well with the ladies. [then:] Of course, they were all prostitutes. But then again, he was French and there's no explaining their taste. Martin: What's your point? Daphne: I guess I don't have one. It's just me running on the way I do. But there is one last little thing: I did notice that every time you went to the telescope to see Irene - you hid your cane. Martin: [laughs] I just put it off to the side so I wouldn't trip over the damn thing. Daphne: [seeing she's got through:] I knew there was a good reason. It must feel awful silly when that cane trips you up. Daphne exits as Martin ponders on her words. [SCENE_BREAK] GU-GULP Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. Later that evening Frasier and Daphne are waiting. Frasier is calling for his father down the hallway. Frasier: Dad, Dad, will you hurry up? She's going to be here any minute. Martin enters from his room wearing a suit. Martin: Alright, alright, Daphne. See if I've got this tie on right? Daphne: Just needs a minor adjustment. [she does it, then:] What's all this hair on it? Martin: The only way I can get the knot right is if I tie it on Eddie first. Eddie enters and jumps onto the sofa. Martin: Well, it's a long time since I've been dating. Have things changed much in the last forty years? Frasier: Well, the wardrobe's a little different - but your ultimate goal is still the same! Dad, I'm glad you changed your mind about this. Martin: Yeah, me too. Thanks for our little talk. Frasier: My pleasure. Martin looks at Daphne as if to say thank you. She nods a reply. Frasier: Now let's see, you got a hanky in there? Martin: Yep. Frasier: Terrific, alright. Have you got your keys? Martin: Yeah. Frasier: You're not going to be out too late, are you? Martin: Frasier! Frasier: Dad, I'm just busting your chops here. The doorbell goes and both Frasier and Martin go "Oh My God." To understand this scene you've got to realize that Daphne and Frasier seem to act like the mother and father and Martin seems to be their kid going on a first date. Daphne: Will you two relax? A word to the wise, though: if she asks you up to her place after dinner - close the drapes! [laughs] Martin opens the door. The view is from Irene's P.O.V. Martin is very blushing at the front whilst Frasier and Daphne look on the scene with happiness from behind. Martin: Hi, Irene. Nice to finally meet you. End Of Act Two. (Time: 21:20) [SCENE_BREAK] Frasier's Apartment. That night Frasier and Daphne are asleep on the couch. However, Eddie is sat on a stool upstage looking through the telescope at his owner.	Plan: A: Frasier; Q: Who buys Martin a telescope? A: Martin; Q: Who becomes romantically involved with a woman he sees through the telescope? A: a telescope; Q: What does Frasier buy Martin as a gift? Summary: Frasier buys Martin a telescope as a gift. While looking through it, Martin spots a woman with whom he becomes romantically involved.
Flash-back: Sydney is at the bottom of the crack and starts to dream. She reminds her Pre-school TEACHER: It looks like Austin is going with... an astronaut. And Kelly's drawing a police officer. I'm not sure "elephant" counts as a job, Laurence. What about you, Sydney? Are you having trouble getting started? That's okay. I can help you. I want you to close your eyes and tell me the very first thing that pops into your mind when I ask you this question: What do you want to be when you grow up? Sydney is still at the bottom of the crack inside the snow. LOS ANGELES: After the explosion. JACK: (to Dixon) I just spoke with Zurich. Sloane hit the twelve. They're all dead. DIXON: He's solidifying power. JACK: I must contact Sydney. Get Marshall and Rachel. We'll rendezvous at Mikro storage. Trust no one else. DIXON: (to Rachel) You will be all right. Rachel, we have to leave. We don't have time to mourn right now. Jack calls Sydney. MOUNT SUBASIO VAUGHN: (Coming down the crack) Syd, Syd, Sydney. Sydney, Syd. (He starts a cardiac massage) One, two... three. Come on! Come on! One, two, three...Come on! You're stronger than this! Flashback: Sydney is 6 years old and arrives in a room where his father speaks with an officer. JACK: (To a man) Excuse me. (To Sydney) Sydney, something's happened. Your mother was in an accident. Her car skidded off the road, and...She's gone. Your mother...She's dead. Sydney, sweetheart, I need you to be strong right now. I need you to be... strong. It's okay. End of Flashback: Sydney gets conscious again. VAUGHN: You're okay. Everything's gonna be okay In a street, Sloane meets Sark and Peyton. SLOANE: I saw the news reports on Los Angeles. Good work. SARK: I'm not certain "good" is the proper word for it, but thank you. I've dispatched a team to the location you acquired at Mt. Subasio. SLOANE: I want to be airborne as soon as they find something. SARK: Understood. SLOANE: Were you able to make contact with our friend in Hong Kong? PEYTON: Yes. She sends her regards. (Sloane opens the box which contains the sphere of life) Should I tell her we have a deal? SLOANE: Yes. Let her know the transports will leave just as soon as they're ready. SARK: Am I to understand that we're still going through with this? SLOANE: Don't tell me you're having second thoughts. SARK: Of course not. It's just it's not every day one gets to be a part of global genocide. Sloane takes them to a storage facility where Sark and Peyton discover two trucks with nuclear missiles. LOS ANGELES. Inside a facility. JACK: (To Dixon) If I can get a signal down here, I maybe able to tap into Langley's network. I can spoof the origin. They won't be able to trace the hack. Sloane will try to seize control of Prophet5's operations as quickly as possible. We should look to identify any unusual activity in their holdings. (Telephone) Bristow! VAUGHN: It's me. We're in Siena. JACK: So Sydney is with you? VAUGHN: Yeah. We're both okay. JACK: Thank God. We've had a situation here. Home base has been compromised. Tom... didn't make it. Stay at the safe house. Once we gather some more information, we'll forward it to you there. VAUGHN: Got it. JACK: Vaughn, How is she? VAUGHN: She took a pretty big hit, but she'll bounce back. Sydney is looking outside the window Flashback: Sydney (6 year old) looks at Irina's photos. She plays with an odd set of blocks which are from Project Christmas. JACK: Sydney? SYDNEY: Dad? JACK: You did this? Can you show me how you did it? (He looks amazed when he sees his daughter assemble the puzzle alone) SYDNEY: What? JACK: It's a test; called an "indicator" People in my line of work use it to identify people with a highly developed sense of 3-dimensional reasoning. Very few people can do it. I can't do it. SYDNEY: You can't? JACK: Sydney, What it means, Sydney, is...You are a very special...girl. MOUNT SUBASIO: Inside the chalet. SYDNEY: Twelve hours ago, two intercontinental cruise missiles were stolen from a storage facility in Moscow VAUGHN: We think it's Sloane? SYDNEY: Whatever he's up to, he said it was too late to be stopped. VAUGHN: He also said that he'd wipe out everyone at A.P.O. He was wrong. SYDNEY: Still, how can we find him? It's impossible. We don't have a single lead.- We can't trust the C.I.A VAUGHN: Sydney, stop, alright? Let's not overlook the fact that you basically died today. You and I have gotten pretty good at impossible. I'm gonna have to deal with this wound. I don't have any anaesthetic. It's gonna hurt. (He looks after Sydney's neck where there is a deep wound). Just hold still. SYDNEY: Sorry. Why would Sloane steal the missiles? VAUGHN: What? SYDNEY: He just wiped out the Twelve, right? Which means that he controls their assets? He wouldn't steal missiles. He'd just buy them on the black market. I think I know how to find him. SYDNEY VOICE OVER: We start with the money. If we can hack into the system, we can I.D. who the payoffs went to. View of Jack hacking a computer. View of Marshall hacking the Russian bank network. SYDNEY VOICE OVER: Then all we need are phone records. View of Rachel stealing a mobile phone in a man suit. SYDNEY VOICE OVER: If I'm right, they'll lead us right to Sloane... Or at least, someone he's been working with. Using phone records and satellite telemetry, someone locates Peyton. Vaughn and Dixon stop her when she is about to take a lift. Inside the facility, Sydney takes off the hood of Peyton's head. SYDNEY: We know you're working with Arvin Sloane, and we know about the I.C.B.M. She's recently acquired. What we don't know is where they are or where they're headed. Now I'm well aware that you're tough, that you've been conditioned to withstand torture. But I have something you don't have. I have your former best friend. RACHEL: And I know what you're afraid of. A snake comes upon the right shoulder of Peyton, who looks scared. SYDNEY: If I were you, I would stay extremely still. Sydney goes outside the room. SYDNEY: (to Dixon, Vaughn and Jack) She has no idea where those missiles are. DIXON: Are you sure? SYDNEY: Positive. What she does know: Sloane is planning to target two cities with high civilian concentrations. JACK: He's not interested in the devastation. He plans to profit off the reconstruction. Sloane controls Prophet5's network, communications, pharmaceuticals, finance, he'll make billions. SYDNEY: It gets worse. Sloane is in Mongolia. MONGOLIA. Mountain landscape. A jeep arrives among some tents. A lots of men digs on an excavation site. A MAN: (To Sark) Good news. I think we found it. Sloane and Sark go out of their car and follow the man. They go inside a cave which has the mark of Rambaldi on the top. Flashback: Sydney is in the faculty with Francie. FRANCIE: Put on your dancing shoes. We are going out tonight. SYDNEY: I can't tonight. FRANCIE: "Can't" is not an option. Charlie got us passes for that new club in Silver lake. SYDNEY: That job fair is tonight. I really wanna go. FRANCIE: Job fair? What? Syd, you have four years to figure out what kind of job you want. SYDNEY: I just had a meeting with my advisor, and she yelled at me 'cause I haven't picked a major yet. FRANCIE: Education. Done. You can be a teacher like your mom. I mean, you always talked about how happy she was. SYDNEY: I thought about that, but I've always thought about teaching as my safety net. FRANCIE: Teaching's no safety net. You know how dangerous it is to be a teacher? Kids bring knives to school these days. SYDNEY: I hate the thought that I could make a decision now that would affect the rest of my life. FRANCIE: Well, I say go with education. Charlie is bringing a friend tonight, Danny something. We'll pick you up at... I'll see you later. SD6 AGENT: Sydney Bristow, I was hoping I might have a moment of your time. (He gives her a CIA card). In a facility. Sydney is training with a gun. SYDNEY: Tell Dixon we'll touch base as soon as we cross into Mongolian airspace. RACHEL: Marshall and I are gonna hack into the N.R.O., see if we can use their optical satellites to locate the missiles. SYDNEY: Rachel, listen. Prophet5 is gone. Your family is no longer in danger. You don't have to do this anymore. RACHEL: People have given their lives for this. I'm not gonna bail on them now. I'm in this until it's over. Of course, if we don't find Sloane, that may not be very long from now... MONGOLIA: Sark and Sloane enter inside the cave. SARK: Did it have to be so filthy? I mean, really, if Rambaldi a prophesize the future, he might have advised me not to wear 500$ shoes. Structural imaging shows that there's a chamber about 200 feet below us. That's quite a climb. SLOANE: You needn't worry. The next step is for me alone. (Leaving Sark behind, Sloane descends to Rambaldi's burial chamber. He poses the lamp on the tomb and open the box) At last, after almost 30 years. NADIA: Is it everything you imagined? SLAONE: Nadia, I'm so glad you're here. If I didn't have someone to share this with, I may have doubted my own eyes. NADIA: You're talking to your dead daughter. This is an odd time to question your sanity. SLOANE: Perhaps. He places the Sphere atop Rambaldi's tomb between the two signs "<" and ">". The sphere starts to spin and light. Above it appears the red hovering ball. Outside, Vaughn, Syd and Jack infiltrate the camp above Rambaldi's tomb. Syd sneaks into the underground chamber. Inside, Sloane looks at the red ball which flies above the sphere of life. The red ball empties itself in the sphere of life. NADIA: So that's it? All this time, that's what you wanted. SLOANE: This, sweetheart, this is what everybody has always wanted. And I've found it. Sydney arrives inside the room and holds Sloane at gunpoint. SYDNEY: It's over, Sloane. Outside, Vaughn kills a guard but Sark puts is gun on his head. SARK: Correct me if I'm wrong, Mr. Vaughn, but aren't you supposed to be dead? I suppose we'll have to rectify that. Jack arrives behind Sark. Unfortunately another guard just appears behind Jack. SARK: Well, then, it appears we have a predicament. Inside, Sydney moves near the tomb. SYDNEY: Don't move. Syd grabs the Sphere. SLOANE: No! Sydney, don't! The liquid from the hovering ball splatters. SYDNEY: What is this, Sloane? SLOANE: Sydney, please don't be rash. SYDNEY: Give me one reason why I shouldn't destroy this right now. SARK: Suppose I were to give you two good reasons? Sydney looks back to see that Sark has just arrived, holding Vaughn and Jack at hostage. In the facility. MARSHALL: (To Dixon) Rachel and I hacked into the N.R.O.'S global surveillance system to look for the missiles. We noticed some weird network activity on the E.W.S. RACHEL: Someone's trying to disable our defence satellites. They've released a virus. It's eating through our entire grid. DIXON: Sloane, he's gonna strike the U.S. Can you purge the virus? MARSHALL: No, not from here. But I did pinpoint the origin. Someone uploaded it from Hong Kong. DIXON: (To Peyton) Who's in Hong Kong? Who are you protecting? MARSHALL: Should I get the snake? PEYTON: Don't. Sloane had to call in a partner. He needed something he didn't have. DIXON: What's that? MONGOLIA. Inside the chamber. SLOANE: (holds Sydney at gunpoint) Hand me the sphere, Sydney. I'll let you all walk out of here. I won't insult you with pretence, Sydney. We know each other too well for that. Oh, I know you're trying to figure a way out. Just hand over the sphere, and I will let you all walk away. SYDNEY: If I give this to you, what's to guarantee you won't shoot us anyway? SLOANE: Despite what you may think, I'm not heartless. Come on, take my offer. It appears that Vaughn is back. Go. Be a family. Frankly, I don't think you have any other option. SYDNEY: If you want this, we'll walk out of here together, and then we'll talk. SLOANE: Well, remember, Sydney, it's your choice. Sloane moves first, shooting Jack. Syd drops the sphere to go over to Jack while. SYDNEY: Dad!Dad! Arvin catches the sphere. Vaughn dispatches their captors. Syd shoots Sloane. He tumbles into the red liquid on the tomb, dead. Sark makes off with the Sphere. Flashback: Sydney arrives at home. SYDNEY: Dad? Dad?Dad? Are you home? JACK: (phone) That's right, they're having problems with their tail rudder controls. Yeah. Okay, well, I'll get back to you. Hello, Sydney. (She gives him a file) What's this? SYDNEY: Open it. You've been paying my tuition. I thought I should at least help out. JACK: What'd you do, rob a bank? SYDNEY: Sort of. I got a job at a bank. It's just part-time for now, at least. It's...It's, a French bank. It's called Credit Dauphine. They have a very international clientele. JACK: Credit Dauphine? SYDNEY: Yeah, they have 12 branches around the world. JACK: You're already working there? SYDNEY: About a month. I wanted to make sure it would work out before I told you. JACK: A month. Good. It's not too late to quit. SYDNEY: What? JACK: Sydney, listen to me. SYDNEY: I'm not quitting this job. I like it. I'm good at it. JACK: I imagine you are. That's not the point. SYDNEY: What is the point? JACK: Sydney! SYDNEY: God, if mom were here, she... JACK: If your mother was here... If your mother was here, she would want you to focus on school, which is what you're going to do. SYDNEY: (nearly crying) I didn't come to ask your permission. I've already made my decision. JACK: This is not your decision to make. (Sydney leaves) Sydney, come back. MONGOLIA. Outside. Vaughn and Sydney lift Jack outside who's badly wounded. SYDNEY: OK. Right here. VAUGHN: All right, Syd. SYDNEY: You're okay, you're okay. JACK: It's okay. I'm gonna go call for help, okay? SYDNEY: Okay, just be still. Look, you're gonna be okay. VAUGHN: (call Dixon) We have a problem. Jack's been shot. DIXON: How bad? VAUGHN: It's critical. We need air support. DIXON: (To Marshall) Contact Salim Behari in Ulaanbaatar. Have him send a med vac unit. Tell them to hurry. SYDNEY: Dad, keep talking to me. JACK: I'm doing fine. It's...It's just...It's just a scratch. SYDNEY: I'm just gonna take a look. (She finds an horrible bleeding wound on his chest) You're gonna be okay. MARSHALL: (To Dixon) Chopper's on its way. Should be here in half-hour. DIXON: (To Vaughn) Did you hear that? VAUGHN: Yeah Listen. Sloane's dead, Sark got away. He's got the artifact. DIXON: I think we know where he's going. VAUGHN: Mede vac's on its way. How's he doing? SYDNEY: His heart rate's up. I think the bullet penetrated his lung. He's not getting enough air. VAUGHN: Sloane has a partner. We know who's behind this. CHINA. Irina calls Sark. SARK: I have the artefact. I'm on my way. IRINA: Good. See that it gets here intact. MONGOLIA. Outside. Wait, Vaughn...Wait, Vaughn, wait! JACK: Irina! VAUGHN: He traded her the missiles. Marshall managed to access the launch protocol, but he can't shut them down. She's in Hong Kong, preparing to strike as we speak. JACK: Listen to me. We have to stop her. SYDNEY: Listen to me. Dad, you have been shot in the chest. The medical team is on their way. You...I can't risk moving you. Right? JACK: (To Vaughn) I can't... Vaughn, get the transport ready.. (Vaughn runs). SYDNEY: Wait, Vaughn... Wait, Vaughn, wait! Dad, what are you doing? You can't go anywhere. JACK: Sydney, Sydney, your mother's not the type to make empty threats. If she's acquired missiles, she intends to use them. SYDNEY: You can't even stand up straight. How do you expect to confront mom? JACK: I'm not coming with you. You have to go to Hong Kong. There's no other way. I am not leaving you here. You're the only one who can get to Irina in time. You're the only one who can beat her. SYDNEY: I can't. JACK: Yes, you can. I never wanted this life for you, you know. I never wanted you to bear this kind of responsibility, but you...you were a very...difficult little girl...You were far too driven, far too strong to let someone like me stop you from becoming who you are. SYDNEY: Dad, the medical team is coming. If you'll just sit tight... JACK: Sydney, listen to me. There's no one in this world that can do the things that you can do. I can hold out until help arrives, but you have to go. You have to stop your mother SYDNEY: Okay...Just...Okay, good. Just...Keep applying pressure, please. You... you can't afford to lose more blood. JACK: Just get moving. SYDNEY: I love you, dad. JACK: I love you, Sydney. SYDNEY: (Crying) I don't want to leave you. JACK: Go. She reluctantly leaves her father. As the jeep is leaving, she looks her father who has just stand up. As soon the jeep is gone, Jack falls. [SCENE_BREAK] Hong Kong. In a hotel room. IRINA: Did everything go according to plan? SARK: Your daughter arrived, mucked things up a bit. Sloane's dead, and we lost the tomb. IRINA: But the artefact's intact. SARK: There's a reason my fees are so high. IRINA: Sloane's death doesn't change our agenda. Contact controls. As soon as the satellites are down, launch the missile strikes. SARK: Have you decided on the final targets? IRINA: Washington and London. SARK: Right away. In space, a satellite starts to burn and fall on the earth. Sark enters a control room. SARK: What's our status? VOICE: Mil-sat one just hit atmosphere. The rest of the satellites are right behind it. SARK: Initiate the countdown. LOS ANGELES. Control room. MARSHALL: Oh, my God. They've started the launch. Hong Kong. In a hotel room. SYDNEY: So that's it. It's the Horizon, isn't it? You shot the man I loved. You betrayed my trust. You risked my daughter's life, all for that. IRINA: I don't expect you to understand. We're very different, Sydney. You still cling to naive ideals. I learned, at a very young age, the only currency worth anything in this world is power SYDNEY: And the Horizon gives you that? IRINA: You've never seen Rambaldi for what he is. You dismissed his work as the labour of a madman. You blind yourself to his true potential. I've spent a lifetime acquiring power. With this...And I'll never have to give it up. Rambaldi is life, Sydney. Through him, we can live forever. (We have a view of Sloane who rises with his mortal wounds healed). I offered you an out. I gave you your daughter. I was hoping you'd settle down, leave me to my affairs. SYDNEY: You don't know me very well, do you? IRINA: Sadly, I think I do. After all, I'm still your mother. SYDNEY: That doesn't mean anything. Not anymore. I am through being disappointed by you. IRINA: I hate that it's come to this. SYDNEY: I suppose it had to. IRINA: I've come too far to let anything get in my way. SYDNEY: Then you'll have to go through me first. Flashback: Sydney enters Sloane's SD-6 office. SYDNEY: You wanted to see me, sir? SLOANE: I've been reviewing your evaluations since you arrived at SD-6.To a letter; they're nothing short of exemplary. I've upgraded your clearance, and I'm considering promoting you to field officer. SYDNEY: Really? SLOANE: Now, Sydney, I want to know that you have given this job its proper consideration. I realize that you have a romantic notion of the espionage trade, but this job...is more than just brush passes and dead drops. You will be facing life and death situations on a regular basis. Do you understand that? You will be forced to make decisions that will haunt you for the rest of your life. This job requires sacrifice, and you need to know that you are able to live with that. SYDNEY: I can, sir. For as long as I can remember, I have been searching...for what I'm supposed to do, for what I'm supposed to be. This is my purpose. It's in my blood. It's who I am. I have never been so sure of anything in my life. Hong Kong. In a hotel room. Sydney and Irina fight a ferocious battle. It ends when both of them pass through a glass window. They fall together on the roof, among all the pieces of glass. They've got a lot of wounds all over their bodies. As they try to regain their breath, they roll on their back and watch the sky. IRINA: Why are you fighting me on this? The defence satellites are destroyed. (Satellites ignite in the sky such as shooting stars). SYDNEY: «The stars will fall from the sky." IRINA: Even if you manage to beat me on this rooftop, it's still too late to stop the launch. SYDNEY: You think I came here alone? Hong-Kong. Control room. VOICE: Sir, beginning final preparations.. SARK: Excellent. Proceed according to... Vaughn catches Sark and punches him hardly. VAUGHN: It appears we have a predicament. MONGOLIA. Inside the chamber. NADIA: You did it. You were right all along. SLOANE: I will never forget your sacrifice. I promise. The Horizon is gone. Your mother is probably dividing up my spoils as we speak. NADIA: Then we should get moving. We don't have to hurry anymore, Nadia. We have all the time in the world. Jack gets back in the chamber. Hong-Kong. Control room. VAUGHN: Give me the override codes. SARK: I don't have the codes, I swear. (Vaughn shoots Sark in his leg) You shot me! VAUGHN: Yeah, and I'll keep shooting until you either give me the codes or bleed to death. Your choice. SARK: You know, I didn't want any of this. Mass extermination isn't exactly my passion, Michael. I'm a businessman. You know, I simply wanted to come out on the winning end. I'll give you the codes, but you have to let me go after I do. VAUGHN: Codes first, then we negotiate. LOS ANGELES. Control room. Marshall is on the phone with Vaughn. VAUGHN: ---alpha--tango---. 6 4 7. MARSHALL: (On the screen : LAUNCH ACTIVATED) Come on. Come on! (On the screen: LAUNCH ABORTED) Launch aborted! Hong-Kong. On the roof. IRINA: I'm afraid I can't allow you to be such a complication in my life any longer. Irina punches Sydney two times in her head. IRINA: For whatever it's worth, I truly do love you. Sydney kicks Irina onto a glass skylight just out of reach of the Sphere. We can hear cracks. MONGOLIA. In the chamber. JACK: I owe you an apology, Arvin. I never gave your faith in Rambaldi the credit it deserved. SLOANE: There's no need to apologize, Jack. You're a practical man. I'd always admired that in you. Jack, I didn't wanna shoot you. Sydney forced my hand. JACK: Yes. She can be very... stubborn at times. SLOANE: You're dying. I can help you. JACK: I don't want your help, Arvin. You've...caused my daughter so much pain. I could have prevented it. I won't continue to make that mistake. SLOANE: I think you've overestimated your position, Jack. You can't hurt me anymore. JACK: True. But I can keep you down here with me. (Jack, show a strapped with explosives around him). SLOANE: What are you doing? JACK: You beat death, Arvin. But you couldn't beat me. Jack knows now that Sloane can't die, but as he wants to be sure that Sloane never makes it out of the cave, he triggers the explosives. Hong-Kong. On the roof. SYDNEY: The glass won't hold you. Mom, you need to come back. (Irina stretches for the Sphere without listening at Sydney who urges her to crawl back). Mom. You can make it. Give me your hand. IRINA: I'm sorry, Sydney. SYDNEY: Mom, come back! Tiny cracks spread through the glass. Irina falls through to her death. Sydney looks down and cries. Vaughn arrives and takes Sydney around his arms. A shooting star passes above them. MONGOLIA. In the chamber. In the cave, Sloane is buried in the rubble. Nadia's ghost appears. SLOANE: Nadia? I can't move. NADIA: I don't think there's anything I can do SLOANE: I can't move. NADIA: Well...as you've said, you have all the time in the world. Unfortunately, I think you'll have to spend it here. SLOANE: Well, at least you're here with me ... (she fades away) No, Nadia, don't leave me here. Noooo.... He screams, alone in the darkness. House of Vaughn and Sydney. 5 years later. Isabelle plays in front of her beach home. ISABELLE: Daddy! (Vaughn appears and sees Dixon) Uncle Dixon! DIXON: Isabelle! How are you, sweetie? VAUGHN: Deputy Director. DIXON: Please, this far from Langley, you can just call me "sir." Good to see you. VAUGHN: Did you have a hard time finding this place? DIXON: What, are you kidding? I had an impossible time finding this place. VAUGHN: Well, I guess that's sort of the point, right? They walk to the house where Sydney waits them with a baby in her arm. SYDNEY: Hello, stranger. DIXON: Hello, Sydney. And this must be... SYDNEY: Jack. DIXON: Hello, Jack. Marshall sends his best. He wanted to tag along, but Carrie's stuck at home on bed rest. SYDNEY: Another baby? Oh, God, I don't know how she does it. DIXON: This makes four. All boys. SYDNEY: Well, come on inside. You'll just have to pardon the mess. Inside the house. VAUGHN: (To Isabelle) Speaking of mess, didn't someone promise to finish unpacking her toys before dinner? Go on. SYDNEY: Go on, Isabelle. (To Dixon) Can I get you something to drink? Isabelle arrives in her room. SYDNEY: Why do I get the feeling this isn't a purely social call? DIXON: Truth be told, I could use some field assistance. A merc team hit the national research facility in Paris yesterday. I need someone to intercept the seller and retrieve the hard drive. SYDNEY: Can't you put Rachel on it? DIXON: She's on deep cover assignment in Santiago. I can't risk pulling her. Besides, this job has...sentimental value. (He shows a file with a photo of Sark). VAUGHN: Sark. SYDNEY: Don't look at me. You're the one that let him go. Isabelle opens a box. DIXON: We've already prepared the mission specs. Low risk insertion, simple areas. Who knows, it could be fun. SYDNEY: That's what you say every time you show up on my doorstep. Then next, you know, I'm jumping over canals and tree and shield while Napalm explodes around me. DIXON: Yes. That's how I define "fun". VAUGHN: Why don't we finish this conversation over dinner? SYDNEY: And you haven't lived until you've seen our sunset. Isabelle, dad and I are going for a walk. Meanwhile, Isabelle finds the Project Christmas building blocks and effortlessly connects them. She breaks the puzzle and comes back to see her parents. SYDNEY: What have you been doing back there? ISABELLE: Nothing, mom. Together they walk on the beach. The final episode ends with this sentence: « Thank you for five incredible years. »	Plan: A: Vaughn; Q: Who finds Sydney unconscious and administers CPR? A: a flashback; Q: How does Sydney recall the time when Jack told her that her mother had died? A: Jack; Q: Who did Sloane tell to stay in the chamber with him? A: her mother; Q: Who did Sydney recall Jack telling her about? A: Peyton; Q: Who tells Sloane that she was able to make contact with their ally in Hong Kong? A: Hong Kong; Q: Where is Irina Derevko? A: Sark; Q: Who is holding Vaughn and Jack hostage? A: nuclear missiles; Q: What does Sloane look at when he confirms the plan to kill millions? A: Siena; Q: Where is Sydney in a hotel? A: Project Christmas - meant; Q: What was the building blocks Sydney assembled in her childhood part of? A: Sloane's involvement; Q: What does Sydney assume when she reads a report of two stolen missiles? A: all Prophet Five members; Q: Who did Sloane kill? A: all their assets; Q: What does Sydney think Sloane has? A: Marshall; Q: Who helped Sydney stop the missile launch? A: the Russian bank network; Q: What did Marshall hack into to find Peyton? A: Dixon; Q: Who asks Sydney for help in an assignment? A: high civilian concentrations; Q: What does Peyton know about the two cities that Sloane is targeting? A: devastation; Q: What does Jack think Sloane is not interested in? A: the reconstruction; Q: What does Sloane want to profit from? A: Rachel; Q: Who reports that she and Marshall are trying to hack into optical satellites to locate the missiles? A: information; Q: What did Sloane upload from a contact in Hong Kong? A: interrogation; Q: What does Dixon do to Peyton? A: the next step; Q: What does Sloane say is for him alone to do? A: Rambaldi's tomb; Q: What does Sloane place the Horizon on top of? A: A red sphere; Q: What does the Horizon appear to be surrounded by? A: a Mueller device; Q: What device does the red sphere in the movie resemble? A: Sydney sneaks; Q: How does Sydney get into the underground chamber? A: the underground chamber; Q: Where does Sydney sneak into to hold Sloane at gunpoint? A: the artifact; Q: What does Sloane want Sydney to give back? A: her father; Q: Who does Sydney tell that she loves? A: Credit Dauphine; Q: Who did Sydney tell her father she was working for? A: a severely wounded Jack; Q: Who does Sydney and Vaughn carry out of the chamber? A: life; Q: What does Sloane say he can restore to Jack? A: London; Q: What city does Irina tell Sark to target? A: the countdown; Q: What does Sark initiate in the control room? A: confronts Irina; Q: What does Sydney do when she arrives in Hong Kong? A: Marshall's help; Q: How is the missile launch aborted? A: Sloane's bullet wounds; Q: What heals in Mongolia? A: Nadia; Q: Whose ghost appears to Sloane in Mongolia? A: a wounded Jack; Q: Who stops Sloane from leaving the chamber? A: explosives; Q: What does Jack set off to cause a cave in? A: their struggle; Q: What does Sydney and Irina do on a roof deck? A: half; Q: How much of Sloane is buried alive in Mongolia? A: the world; Q: What does Sloane say he has all the time in? A: Isabelle; Q: Who assembles the building blocks that were used in Project Christmas? A: wooden building blocks; Q: What does Isabelle find that was used in Project Christmas? A: the Project Christmas tests; Q: What is the name of the project that Sydney was a part of? Summary: Vaughn finds an unconscious Sydney and administers CPR. In a flashback, Sydney recalls the time when Jack told her that her mother had died, asking her to be strong. Sydney wakes up. Peyton tells Sloane that she was able to make contact with their ally in Hong Kong, and that they have a deal as she reveals the Horizon. Sark asks if they want to go through with this global genocide. Sloane confirms as they look on nuclear missiles. In the safety of a hotel in Siena, Sydney flashes back to her childhood when she assembled building blocks, not realizing that this was part of Project Christmas - meant to test people's aptitude for being operatives. Later Sydney reads a report of two stolen missiles and assumes Sloane's involvement. Sydney concludes that if Sloane had killed all Prophet Five members, he must have all their assets, and would have bought these missiles from someone. Marshall then hacks into the Russian bank network and looks into the phone records. Via satellite, they are able to locate Peyton. Vaughn, Dixon and Sydney interrogate Peyton, and she tells them that she does not know where the missiles are stored now but she knows that Sloane is targeting two cities with high civilian concentrations. Jack remarks that Sloane is not interested in devastation -he wants to profit from the reconstruction. Sydney discovers that Sloane is in Mongolia. As Sydney prepares to fly to Mongolia, Rachel reports that she and Marshall are trying to hack into optical satellites to locate the missiles. They realize that Sloane has hacked into the network with information uploaded from a contact in Hong Kong. Peyton reveals the contact under interrogation by Dixon. Sloane and Sark go inside the cave in Mongolia. Later, Sloane says that the next step is for him alone to do. Sloane journeys down to a chamber that turns out to be Rambaldi's burial place. He places the Horizon on top of Rambaldi's tomb. A red sphere (similar to but probably not like those generated by a Mueller device) appears and a red fluid drains from that sphere into the Horizon. Vaughn, Sydney and Jack infiltrate the camp set up outside of Rambaldi's tomb. Sydney sneaks into the underground chamber and holds Sloane at gunpoint. Meanwhile, Vaughn and Jack are surrounded by Sark and his men. Sydney is about to destroy the Horizon when Sark arrives holding Vaughn and Jack hostage. Holding Sydney at gunpoint, Sloane urges her to give the artifact back. He then shoots Jack. Sydney drops the Horizon and rushes to her father as Vaughn fights with his captors. Sydney shoots Sloane several times and Sloane falls into a pool of the red liquid. He dies and Sark picks up the Horizon. Sydney flashes back to a memory of telling her father she'd started working for Credit Dauphine and Jack telling her to quit immediately. Sydney and Vaughn carry a severely wounded Jack out of the chamber where they attempt to perform first aid. Vaughn says Sloane is dead and that Sark must be taking the Horizon to their contact in Hong Kong--Irina Derevko. Jack urges them to go to Hong Kong. When Sydney wants to stay, Jack says that she is the only one who can stop her mother. He adds that he never wanted this life for Sydney, but Sydney is far too driven and strong to let anyone stop her. Sydney tells her father that she loves him and leaves reluctantly. In Hong Kong, Sark delivers the Horizon to Irina and reports that the missiles are ready. Irina tells him to target London and Washington D.C. Sark goes to a control room and initiates the countdown. Sydney arrives and confronts Irina, who tells her that power is the only currency and that through Rambaldi, they can live forever. Sydney and Irina fight furiously, while Vaughn breaks into the control room and shoots Sark. With Marshall's help, the launch is aborted. Meanwhile, in Mongolia, Sloane's bullet wounds heal and he is restored to life. As he sees Nadia's ghost, he starts to walk out of the chamber when a wounded Jack stops him. Sloane says he can heal Jack; Jack refuses, saying Sloane has caused Sydney so much pain he won't let him do it again. Sloane tells Jack that he is now immortal, but Jack points out that he can keep him in that cave with him. Jack sets off explosives, causing a cave in. Sydney and Irina continue their struggle on a roof deck, where Irina falls to her death as she tries to grab the Horizon. Irina about to grasp the Horizon. In Mongolia, Sloane is half-buried alive, with no one to hear his calls for help. Nadia's ghost appears to tell him that she can do nothing for him and that as he had said, he has all the time in the world. "At least I'll have you to keep me company," he remarks. She says no as she turns her back to her father and disappears. Flash forward to a scene of 7-yr old Isabelle playing by the ocean. Dixon arrives, and Vaughn and Sydney greet him, with Sydney carrying a toddler son named Jack. Dixon asks Sydney for some help in an assignment, but Vaughn suggests discussing this after dinner. Meanwhile, Isabelle finds wooden building blocks -- the same ones that were used in the Project Christmas tests. Isabelle assembles the blocks effortlessly and successfully, but then knocks them down nonchalantly and runs out with Sydney, Vaughn and Dixon for a walk by the beach.
INT. HOTEL A close-up of a cassette playing a light instrumental tune. CCTV shot of an empty reception area the switches to a dining room to a random hotel hall. We then see a winding staircase with staggered pendant lights hanging over the center. Back in the halls we see a figure slowly walking, garbled conversation coming over a radio. We hear a growling then see part of a wrinkled, animalistic face as an eye opens. In the hallway, we see a young policewoman, LUCY, slowly approaching room 214. She opens the door and sees a clown sitting on the edge of the bed, holding a red balloon. She continues down the hall. LUCY: (V.O.) My name is Lucy Hayward, and I'm the last one left. LUCY opens the door to room 215 and sees a man with an old fashioned tripod camera. She closes the door quickly and moves on. LUCY: (V.O.) You don't know what's going to be in your room until you see it, then you realise it could have never been anything else. LUCY opens the door to the next room and hears the toilet flushing and the door to the bathroom opens and out comes a gorilla, a roll of toilet paper in its hand. A page from a book slips past, showing a drawing of a gorilla. A page of different fonts reading "Praise Him" takes over. Everything she's seen cycles through LUCY'S mind. With a scream, she backs out of the room, falls against the wall, and then slides to the floor. We see the Beast again open its eye. Back in the hallway, LUCY pulls out her notepad and writes furiously. LUCY: (V.O.) The gaps between my worship are getting shorter. This is what happened to the others. Praise him. It's all so clear now. I'm so happy. Praise him. Praise him. (closes her eyes) LUCY hears a growling and thudding footsteps and rises quickly to her feet. She sees a large shadow at the end of the hall. She drops her notes. LUCY: (V.O.) Praise him. MAN: (V.O.) Praise him. We then look down the hallway towards LUCY, the Beast's out-of-focus point-of-view. We hear a woman's scream. [SCENE_BREAK] Matt Smith Karen Gillan Arthur Darvill "The God Complex" By Toby Whithouse Producer Marcus Wilson Director Nick Hurran [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOTEL, STAIRWELL The DOCTOR pops his head up as does AMY, her hair hanging down. RORY looks as well. AMY: "Let's go to Ravan-Skala," he says. "The people are 600 feet tall, you have to talk to them"in hot air balloons and the Tourist Information Centre is made of one of their hats," he says. I'm sorry, but I don't see any huge hats. DOCTOR: Amy. Beaky. This could be the most exciting thing I have ever seen! RORY: You're kidding. AMY: How can you be excited about a rubbish hotel on a rubbish bit of Earth? DOCTOR: Because, assembled Ponds, this is not Earth. This has just been made to look like Earth. The craftsmanship involved... Can you imagine? AMY: What? Then where are we? They go back down to the floor where the TARDIS is resting. There are potted plants and framed photograph portraits hanging on the walls. DOCTOR: I don't know. Something must have yanked us off course. Look at the detail on that cheese plant! (deeply inhales a leaf) RORY: Right, but who would mock up an Earth hotel? The DOCTOR takes an apple from a bowl. DOCTOR: Colonists maybe, recreating a bit of home, like when ex-pats open English pubs in Majorca. (takses a bite of apple) No, whoever did this, I am shaking his/her hand/tentacle. RORY looks at the photographs of varying species. RORY: Have you seen these? Look at the labels underneath. (reads the label under a Sontaran) "Commander Halke, defeat." (human) "Tim Heath, having his photo taken." (human) "Lady Silver-Tear... Daleks." AMY: "Paige Barnes, other people's socks." "Tim Nelson, balloons." (cat nun) "Novice Prin, sabrewolves." (human) "Royston Luke Gold, Plymouth." (LUCY) "Lucy Hayward, that brutal gorilla." Doctor, what does it mean? DOCTOR: I don't know. Let's find out. INT. HOTEL, RECEPTION The DOCTOR taps the bell on the desk and three people come around the corner, one of them brandishing a chair leg. DOCTOR: Blimey, that was quick. ALIEN: We surrender! RORY: No, it's OK, we're not..We're nice! DOCTOR: She threatened me with a chair leg. WOMAN: Who are you? MAN: We're back in reception. ALIEN: We surrender! DOCTOR: Never been threatened with a chair leg before! No, I tell a lie. AMY: (to RORY) Did you just say, "It's OK, we're nice"? WOMAN: OK, I need everyone to shut up now! The view switches momentarily to the security camera. MAN: Rita, be careful, yeah? RITA: Their pupils are dilated. The view switches back to normal. RITA: They're as surprised as we are. Besides which, if it's a trick, it'll tell us something. DOCTOR: Oh, you're good. Oh, she's good. Amy, with regret, you're fired. AMY: What? DOCTOR: I'm kidding. (looks at RITA and mimes holding a phone)(whispers) We'll talk. I take it from the pathological compulsion to surrender, you're from Tivoli. ALIEN: Yes, the most invaded planet in the galaxy. Our anthem is called Glory To Insert Name Here. DOCTOR: You with the face, Howie, you said you were surprised to be back in reception. HOWIE: The walls move, everything changes. DOCTOR: You, clever one, what's he talking about? RITA: The corridors twist and stretch, rooms vanish and pop up somewhere else. It's like the hotel's alive. DOCTOR: (switches off music) That's quite enough of that. HOWIE: And it's huge, with, like, no way out. Switches to security camera. RORY: Have you tried the front door? Switches back. RITA: No, in two days it never occurred to us to try the front door. Thank God you're here! The DOCTOR scans the door with the sonic screwdriver as AMY laughs at RITA'S comment. He opens the doors wide to reveal a white brick wall. DOCTOR: They're not doors, they're walls, walls that look like doors. Door-walls, if you like, or "dwalls", "woors" even, though you'd probably got it when you said, "They're not doors." I mean, the windows are... (opens curtains to reveal more wall) Right, big day if you're a fan of walls. RITA: It's not just that. The rooms have...things in them. DOCTOR: Things? Hello! What kind of things? Interesting things? I love things, ask anyone. RITA: Bad dreams. DOCTOR: Well, that killed the mood. How did you get here? RITA: I don't know, I'd just started my shift. I must have passed out, because suddenly I was here. HOWIE: I was blogging, next thing, this. ALIEN: Oh, I was at work, I'm in town planning. We're lining all the highways with trees, so invading forces can march in the shade. DOCTOR: Ah. ALIEN: Which is nice for them. DOCTOR: Yeah... So what have we got? People snatched from their lives and dropped into an endless, shifting maze that looks like a 1980s hotel with bad dreams in the bedrooms.(takes out a Rubik's cube) Well, apart from anything else, that's just rude. INT. HOTEL, STAIRWELL The DOCTOR leads the way up the stairs as viewed through a camera. It then switches back. DOCTOR: We'll pop back to the TARDIS, I'll do a planet-wide diagnostic sweep, then we'll have a sing song. The TARDIS is gone. The DOCTOR starts feeling for it in case it's invisible. AMY: Where's the TARDIS? You parked it there, didn't you? HOWIE: What's a TARDIS? RORY: Our way out. And it's gone. (holds his head in his hands) INT. HOTEL, RECEPTION The music switches back on. The security camera shows no one there. INT. HOTEL, STAIRWELL The DOCTOR hears the music. DOCTOR: OK. This is bad. At the moment, I don't know how bad, but certainly we're three buses, a long walk and eight quid in a taxi from good. Are there any more of you? RITA: Joe, but he's tied up right now. DOCTOR: Doing what? RITA: No, I mean he's...tied up right now. INT. HOTEL, DINING ROOM JOE is tied up in a chair at one of the tables. All around him, seated at every table, are identical ventriloquist dummies. They are all laughing, heads bobbing, as the DOCTOR slowly enters. They stop as he approaches JOE. The others enter behind him. DOCTOR: Hello. I'm the Doctor. JOE: (dreamily) You're going to die here. DOCTOR: Well, they certainly didn't mention that in the brochure. Is Joe there? Can I have a quick word? (gets a chair and sits across from JOE) JOE: Oh, it's still me, Doctor, but I've seen the light. I lived a blasphemous life, but he has forgiven my inconstancy, and soon...he shall feast. DOCTOR: Well, you've been here two days, what's he waiting for? JOE: We weren't ready. We were still raw. DOCTOR: But now you're what? Cooked? JOE: If you like. Soon you will be, too. The DOCTOR notices JOE has a horseshoe tie clip and dice cufflinks. JOE: Be patient. First...find your room. DOCTOR: My room... JOE: There's a room here for everyone, Doctor. Even you. DOCTOR: You said you'd seen the light now. JOE: Nothing else matters anymore. Only him. It's like these things. I used to hate them! They make me laugh now. (laughs) "Gottle o' geer! Gottle o' geer!" (laughs and is joined by the dummies) You should go. He'll be here soon. The DOCTOR gives him a thin smile before standing. He then gets a hand dolley and slides it under JOE'S chair. DOCTOR: I think you should come with me. INT. HOTEL, RECEPTION The music continues to play. The DOCTOR, AMY, RORY and RITA are standing on the guest side of the counter. HOWIE and the ALIEN are on the employee side with JOE. DOCTOR: Why you four? That's what I don't understand. Aside from all the other things I don't understand. (switches music off again) ALIEN: What does it matter? Sooner or later, someone will come along and rescue us. Or enslave us. DOCTOR: First, we find the TARDIS. Quick thing before we go. If you feel drawn to a particular room, do not go in, and make sure someone else can see you at all times. RITA: Joe said "he" will feast. Is there something here with us? JOE laughs. DOCTOR: Something to add, Joe? JOE: Here comes a candle to light you to bed, here comes a chopper to chop off your head. Chop, chop, chop, chop. HOWIE: Can we do something about him? JOE laughs. INT. HOTEL, HALL The DOCTOR walks down the hall past the intersection where the ALIEN turns, pushing JOE who has his mouth taped shut. RITA, AMY, RORY and HOWIE, follow. The DOCTOR turns when he realizes they changed direction. ALIEN: (to JOE) Personally, I think you've got the right idea. Times like this, I think of my old school motto, "Resistance Is Exhausting." HOWIE: (to RORY) I've worked out where we are. RORY: Hmm? HOWIE: Norway. RORY: Norway? HOWIE: You see, the US government has entire cities hidden in the Norwegian mountains. Earth is on a collision course with this other planet, and this is where they're going to send all the rich people when it kicks off. RORY: Amazing. HOWIE: It's all there on the internet. RORY: No, it's amazing you've come up with a theory even more insane than what's actually happening. The door to room 158 opens and a PE teacher steps out in front of the DOCTOR. DOCTOR: Hello. TEACHER: Have you forgotten your PE kit again? Everyone stops and watches. TEACHER: Right, that's it, you're doing it in your pants! (goes back into the room and shuts the door behind him.) The DOCTOR turns around in time to see HOWIE reaching towards a door. DOCTOR: Hey! Don't! The DOCTOR tries to push HOWIE away but he's already opened the door. Inside are young women of high school/college age. They laugh when they see him. GIRL 1: Oh, look, girls, it's H-H-H-Howie! The girls laugh. In his mind [i](?), Howie screams and then laughs.[/i] GIRL 2: What's "loser" in K-K-K-Klingon? HOWIE: (in his mind) Praise him. (sees the Beast) HOWIE backs away from the door. HOWIE: Shut the d-d...the-the door! The DOCTOR closes the door. HOWIE: This is just some m-m-messed-up CIA stuff, I-I-I'm telling you. The DOCTOR puts an arm around HOWIE'S shoulders and pats him on the chest. DOCTOR: You're right, keep telling yourself that. It's a CIA thing, nothing more. As RORY and the DOCTOR walk with HOWIE, we hear a growling. HOWIE looks back over his shoulder. Curious, the DOCTOR looks back as well. INT. HOTEL, STAIRWELL HOWIE leads as they go up the stairs. INT. HOTEL, HALL The DOCTOR walks down the hall, feeling the wallpaper, tapping the light sconces and feeling the plaster where it's been scraped off low beams. AMY finds LUCY'S writing on the floor. RORY stops to tie his shoe and sees a fire exit. RORY: Er...guys? AMY: Look. They hear the growl louder this time. JOE strains against his bonds. AMY: OK, whatever that is, it's not real, yeah? DOCTOR: No, no, I'm sure it isn't, but just in case, let's run away and hide anyway. In here. The DOCTOR takes AMY, HOWIE and the ALIEN into one room while ANITA pulls JOE into another. RORY: No, this way! I've found a... The fire exit has disappeared and a door to a room is there now. INT. HOTEL, RITA'S ROOM RITA turns away from the door and sees an older man in a doctor's lab coat with a stethoscope around his neck. MAN: A B in mathematics?! You are lazy! RITA purses her lips closed and sits on one of the beds. MAN: Do you understand me, girl? Lazy. RITA: I'm sorry, Daddy, I'm so sorry! And like HOWIE earlier, in her mind, RITA goes from screaming to smiling. She also hears "Praise him" in her own voice. INT. HOTEL, HALL The DOCTOR stands in the hall outside the door. DOCTOR: Rory, come on! RORY: There was a... DOCTOR: Come on! RORY runs down the hall and into the room. INT. HOTEL, ROOM RORY comes to a stop behind AMY and HOWIE. The DOCTOR runs in. DOCTOR: Aiiee! There are two Weeping Angels in the room. AMY is staring at them. AMY: Don't...blink. HOWIE: What? The lights flicker and the ALIEN cowers in the cupboard. The Angels change position, arms stretched out. DOCTOR: Amy, get back. (pulls her back) Why haven't they got us yet? (steps forward and puts a finger through one) Amy, they're not real. AMY: What? DOCTOR: They should have got us by now. Amy, look at me, focus on me. It's your bad dream, that's all. RORY: I don't even think they're for us. In the cupboard, the ALIEN screams and slams the door shut. INT. HOTEL, HALL We once again see through the Beast's eyes as he walks down the hall. INT. HOTEL, ROOM The DOCTOR is slowly approaching the door. AMY: Doctor, what are you doing? DOCTOR: I'm sorry, I just have to see what it is. I just have to see. The DOCTOR looks out through the peephole. Through the crack under the door, we see the shadow as it passes by. DOCTOR: Oh, look at you... You are beautiful. INT. HOTEL, HALL As if hearing the DOCTOR, the Beast turns its head towards the door. INT. HOTEL, ROOM The DOCTOR sees the face of the Beast staring back at him. He jumps back, startled. DOCTOR: Oh, dear. INT. HOTEL, RITA'S ROOM JOE struggles against his bonds and stills as the ropes loosen and fall to the floor on their own. He pulls the tape from his mouth. INT. HOTEL, HALL JOE staggers into the hall. INT. HOTEL, ROOM The DOCTOR watches through the peephole. DOCTOR: I think it's going after Joe. INT. HOTEL, HALL JOE: Come to me. Switches to the Beast's POV. JOE: Come to me. Like HOWIE and RITA, his mind changes form screaming to laughing. JOE: Praise him. INT. HOTEL, STAIRWELL The stairwell is empty. INT. HOTEL, ROOM The ALIEN opens the cupboard door. The DOCTOR opens the door and steps into the hall. INT. HOTEL, HALL The DOCTOR turns his head in time to see JOE'S body being dragged away. DOCTOR: Leave him alone! The DOCTOR runs through the maze of halls and back to the stairs. INT. HOTEL, STAIRWELL The DOCTOR runs up the stairs. DOCTOR: Joe! Joe! INT. HOTEL, HALL The DOCTOR runs down another hall and stops at a four-way intersection, unsure of which way to go. He checks them all. DOCTOR: Joe! He stops when he finds one of JOE'S cufflinks on the carpet. He turns around and sees JOE kneeling, propped against the wall. DOCTOR: Joe? Joe! (walks over) Joe! Joe, what happened? The DOCTOR takes JOE'S face in his hands and turns it to face him. There is no reaction. The DOCTOR lets JOE'S head rest back against the wall. INT. HOTEL, DINING ROOM A hand removes the whistling kettle from the stove. JOE'S body is stretched out on the small dais, the dummies set up against the wall behind him. The DOCTOR scans the body with the sonic. HOWIE rolls one of the tables past and RORY follows with a chair. HOWIE: If we can wedge a chair under the door handles, that should stop anything from getting in. RITA comes through with a tea tray. RITA: Help yourself to tea. AMY is sitting on the bar watching the ALIEN who is sitting nervously at a table. RITA: Guys, tea over here. AMY: If it's any consolation, I've met the Weeping Angels, so I know how... In fact, I thought that room was for me. ALIEN: Joe was right. Whatever it is in here, it actually wants to kill us. Not oppress us or enslave us, kill us! AMY: (joins him at table) OK, listen... The Doctor's been part of my life for so long now, and he's never let me down. Even when I thought he had, when I was a kid and he left me, he came back, he...saved me. And now he's going to save you. But don't tell him I said that, because the smugness would be terrifying. (gets up) ALIEN: Of course, if the Weeping Angels were meant for me, then your room is still out there...somewhere. AMY turns away but is startled when RORY comes up beside her. RORY: Every time the Doctor gets pally with someone, I have this overwhelming urge to notify their next of kin. They watch as RITA brings the DOCTOR a cup of tea. AMY laughs at RORY's comment. He is startled by her reaction. RORY: Sorry. The last time I said something like that, you hit me with your shoe. And you literally had to sit down and unlace it first. The DOCTOR has covered JOE'S body with a sheet and is sitting down. RITA: What exactly happened to him? DOCTOR: He died. RITA: You are a medical doctor, aren't you? You haven't just got a degree in cheese-making or something. DOCTOR: No! Well, yes, both, actually. I mean, there is no cause, all his vital organs simply stopped, as if the simple spark of life, his loves and hates, his faiths and fears were just... (sniffs cup) taken, and this is a cup of tea. RITA: Of course, I'm British, it's how we cope with trauma. That and tutting. DOCTOR: But how did you make it? RITA: All hotels should have a well stocked kitchen, even alien fake ones. I heard you talking when you arrived. Look, it's no more ridiculous than Howie's CIA theory or mi...or mine. DOCTOR: Which is? RITA: This is Jahannam. DOCTOR: You're a Muslim! RITA: Don't be frightened. DOCTOR: Ha! You think this is Hell? (sips tea) RITA: The whole '80s hotel thing took me by surprise, though. The DOCTOR stands and looks at the others as he stands next to RITA. DOCTOR: And all these fears and phobias wandering about, most are completely unconnected to us, so why are they still here? RITA: Maybe the cleaners have gone on strike. DOCTOR: Ha! I like you, you're a right clever clogs. But this isn't Hell, Rita. RITA: You don't understand, I say that without fear. Jahannam will play its tricks, and there'll be times when I want to run and scream, but I've tried to live a good life, and that knowledge keeps me sane, despite the monsters and the bonkers rooms. Gibbis... The DOCTOR gargles with his tea. RITA: ..is-is an alien, isn't he? DOCTOR: Yeah. Sorry. RITA: OK... I'm going to file that under "Freak out about later." While RITA was talking, AMY found LUCY'S notes that she had put in her pocket. AMY: Doctor, look at this. I found it in a corridor, I completely forgot I had it. AMY hands the notes to the DOCTOR and he taps her on the head with them before leaning against a table and reading aloud. AMY sits next to RORY and HOWIE sits at the same table as GIBBIS, rearranging the silverware. DOCTOR: Er... "My name is Lucy Hayward and I'm the last one left. It took Luke first. It got him on his first day, almost as soon as we arrived. It's funny. (overlaps with LUCY'S voice) You don't know what's going to be in your room until you see it, then you realise it could never have been anything else. I just saw mine. It was a gorilla from a book I'd read as a kid. My God, that thing used to terrify me. The gaps between my worships are getting shorter, like contractions. This is what happened to the others... and how lucky they were. It's all so clear now. I'm so happy. Praise him." HOWIE: Praise him. DOCTOR: What did you just say? We briefly see the Beast. HOWIE: Nothing. (tries to fight it) Praise him! (claps his hands over his mouth) GIBBIS: This is what happened to Joe! INT. HOTEL, HALL We see through the Beast's eyes as it walks the halls. INT. HOTEL, DINING ROOM Everyone talks at once. HOWIE: God, it's going to come for me now. GIBBIS: You'll lead it right here. DOCTOR: I won't leave you, I promise, you have my word. HOWIE: I don't want to get eaten! AMY: Howie, calm down! GIBBIS: He's going to lead it right here! The DOCTOR holds the sonic above his head and activates it. Everyone stops arguing and puts their hands over their ears. DOCTOR: Thank you! GIBBIS: Don't you see? He'll lead it right here! RITA: What do you suggest? GIBBIS: Look, whatever it is out there, it's obviously chosen Howard as its next course. Now...tragic though that is, this is no time for sentiment. I'm saying, if it were to... find him, it may be satisfied and let the rest of us go. All I want to do is go home and be conquered and oppressed, is that too much to ask?! (sits back down) RITA: It's OK, I'll stay with Howie. You take the others and go. DOCTOR: No. We stay together. (walks over to GIBBIS and whispers) Your civilisation is one of the oldest in the galaxy. Now I see why. Your cowardice isn't quaint, it's sly, aggressive. It's how that gene of gutlessness has survived while so many others have perished. Well, not today. No-one else dies today. Right? GIBBIS: (mouths) Yes. DOCTOR: Brilliant. The DOCTOR walks back to HOWIE and puts an arm about his shoulder, leading him back to the table. DOCTOR: Howie, any second, it's going to possess you again. When it does, I'm going to ask you some questions. Please try to answer them. They all sit at the table. HOWIE: I hope my mum's all right, she's going to be w-worried. DOCTOR: Howie... Howie. The DOCTOR sees the change in HOWIE and smiles. DOCTOR: Howie, you're next, we're all dead jealous, so tell us...How do we get a piece of the action? Why isn't he possessing all of us? HOWIE: You guys have got all these distractions, (taps his head) all these obstacles. It'd be so much easier if you just let it go, you know, clear the path. AMY: You want it to find you? Even though you know what it's going to do? HOWIE: Are you kidding? He's going to kill us all! How cool is that?! They walk away from the table, leaving HOWIE alone. DOCTOR: It's as I thought, it feeds on fear. Everything, the rooms, Lucy's note, even the pictures in reception, has been put here to frighten us. So we have to resist it. Do whatever you have to, cross your fingers, say a prayer, think of a basket of kittens, but do not give in to the fear. AMY: OK, but what are we actually going to do? DOCTOR: We're going to catch ourselves a monster. INT. HOTEL We go from empty Reception to a hall and the dining room. We hear HOWIE. HOWIE: (V.O.) Bring me death! Bring me glory! My master, my lord, I'm here! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOTEL, BEAUTY PARLOR There are places for washing, cutting and drying hair as well as a manicure area. There is also a water feature and a small fishbowl. HOWIE: (V.O.) Come to me. I'm waiting here...for you. He has promised me a glorious death. The DOCTOR is lining up a framed full-length mirror. INT. HOTEL, HALL The Beast is walking the halls. RORY waits in the hall outside the beauty parlor armed with a mop. HOWIE: (V.O.) Give it to me now, I want him to know my devotion. INT. HOTEL, ROOM AMY and RITA hide in one of the rooms as the Beast passes. Sitting on one of the beds is the same clown from before. RITA: (to AMY) Anything to do with you? (to clown) How's it going? AMY: Don't talk to the clown! The Beast passes in front of the door. HOWIE: (V.O.) Praise...him. INT. HOTEL, HALL The Beast's horns scrape the low beams, the cause of the marks the DOCTOR had seen earlier. It heads for the salon. HOWIE: (V.O.) Praise...him. INT. HOTEL, BEAUTY PARLOR The Beast enters the parlor. INT. HOTEL, HALL AMY and RITA close the door behind the Beast and AMY yanks a rail off the wall and jams it through the handles. AMY: Rory, he's in! RORY blocks the other door to the beauty parlor with the mop. INT. HOTEL, BEAUTY PARLOR The DOCTOR shuts off the lights. The Beast knocks things over in the dark. HOWIE: (V.O.) Let his name...be the last thing I hear. Let his breath on my skin be the last thing I feel. The Beast turns a chair around to reveal a speaker. The Beast turns around and sees itself in mirrors. HOWIE: (V.O.) I was lost in shadows, but he found me. INT. HOTEL, RECEPTION HOWIE is behind the desk, duct-taped to a chair, GIBBIS watching him. The DOCTOR has set up his sonic to act as a microphone. HOWIE: His love was a beacon that led me from darkness to light, and now I am blinded by his majesty! Humbled by his glory! Praise... INT. HOTEL, BEAUTY PARLOR The DOCTOR stands by a speaker on the wall. DOCTOR: That's quite enough of that. HOWIE: (over speaker) ..him. The DOCTOR pulls the wires from the speaker. INT. HOTEL, RECEPTION Feedback seems to pull HOWIE from his "trance". HOWIE: What's going on? You lied to me! GIBBIS: Calm down, Howie. This is for your own good. HOWIE: At least stand where I can see you! GIBBIS: I've been told not to speak to you. HOWIE: Don't mean you can't listen. INT. HOTEL, BEAUTY PARLOR The DOCTOR speaks to the Beast from a separate area, using the mirrors to see. He converses with the Beast, interpreting its growls. DOCTOR: Nothing personal. I just think we should take things slowly. Get to know each other. You take people's most primal fears and pop it in a room. A tailor-made hell, just for them. Why? Did you say "they" take? Ahh, what is that word? The guard? No, the warden? This is a prison? INT. HOTEL, RECEPTION HOWIE: You were right, you know. Chances are if you hand me over, he'll leave you alone. GIBBIS: Yes, well, we saw how that idea got shot down in flames. HOWIE: It's not like chucking me out of a plane to lighten the load. I'm asking you for this. I'm begging you. GIBBIS: You're possessed. You'd say anything. HOWIE: Possessed guys can be quite strong. Who's to say I didn't overpower you? INT. HOTEL, BEAUTY PARLOR DOCTOR: So, what are we? Cell mates? Lunch? We are not... ripe? (steps out) This is what Joe said. That we weren't ready.(stands behind the water feature) So, what? You make us ready? You... what? "Replace"? Replace what? Fear? You have lived so long, even your name is lost? You want this to stop. Because you are just... instinct. Then tell me. Tell me how to fight you. HOWIE: (V.O.) My master, my lord. INT. HOTEL, HALL OUTSIDE PARLOR In his hall, RORY hears. HOWIE: (V.O.) I'm here! RITA and AMY also hear him. RITA: That's Howie. AMY: He's got out. INT. HOTEL, STAIRWELL HOWIE is calling for the Beast. HOWIE: Bring me death! INT. HOTEL, BEAUTY PARLOR DOCTOR: No, no, no, no! The Beast swings at the water feature, shattering the glass. DOCTOR: (falls back) Rory, watch out!! AMY and RITA open the doors behind him. DOCTOR: Stay back! The Beast shatters the window in the door by RORY, who covers his face. The Beast then pulls the mop from the handle DOCTOR: Pond, bring the fish. (leaves) AMY: What, the fish? Oh, the fish! INT. HOTEL, HALL OUTSIDE PARLOR RORY is lying on the floor and the DOCTOR checks on him. DOCTOR: Where did he go? RORY: Somebody hit me. Was it Amy? The DOCTOR chuckles and heads off. INT. HOTEL, STAIRWELL The DOCTOR runs down the stairs. INT. HOTEL, HALL The DOCTOR runs through the halls until he finds HOWIE'S glasses on the floor. INT. HOTEL, HALL OUTSIDE PARLOR AMY and RITA find RORY. RITA: Rory, are you all right? RORY nods. INT. HOTEL, HALL The DOCTOR stands and runs down the hall. INT. HOTEL, HALL OUTSIDE PARLOR AMY: We should find the Doctor. AMY steps over RORY as RITA helps him stand. AMY stops and turns to look at room 7. She walks slowly towards it and turns the knob. She looks inside. VOICES: 'Praise him. Praise him.' RITA pulls the door closed and stands in front of it. RITA: You shouldn't have done that. What did you see? AMY: Nothing. Nothing. I don't know, it was weird. RITA: Come on. INT. HOTEL, HALL The DOCTOR finds HOWIE kneeling on the floor, leaning against the wall. He puts the dead man's glasses in his hand before gently patting his face. He looks up when AMY, RORY and RITA come running down the hall. The DOCTOR shakes his head. GIBBIS appears at the opposite end of the hall. GIBBIS: He got free. He overpowered me. The DOCTOR strides back to the others and GIBBIS follows timidly. GIBBIS: It might leave us alone now. Maybe now we'll be safe. (runs past HOWIE'S body) Wait! INT. HOTEL, STAIRWELL The DOCTOR is looking at HOWIE'S picture on the wall when RORY joins him. DOCTOR: Have you found your room yet? RORY: No, no. Is that good or bad? DOCTOR: Maybe you're not scared of anything. RORY: Well, after all the time I spent with you in the TARDIS, what was left to be scared of? DOCTOR: You said that in the past tense. RORY: No, I didn't. The DOCTOR leans back against stair rail as RORY looks at the photo. RORY: You know, Howie had been in speech therapy. He'd just got over this massive stammer. What an achievement. I mean, can you imagine? I'd forgotten, not all victories are about saving the universe. INT. HOTEL, DINING ROOM HOWIE is laid out next to JOE. INT. HOTEL, STAIRWELL AMY finds a new home for the fish on a table by the base of the stairs. The DOCTOR is going down the stairs when he meets RITA on her way up. DOCTOR: Rita! Brilliant! How are you? Not panicking, are you? Good, good. Because I am literally an otter's toenail away from getting us out of here. RITA: Why? DOCTOR: Excellent question. (passes her) Excellent question. (turns back) Why what? RITA: Why is it up to you to save us? That's quite a God complex you have there. DOCTOR: (looks down at AMY) I brought them here. They'd say it was their choice, but offer a child a suitcase full of sweets and they'll take it. Offer someone all of time and space and they'll take that, too. Which is why you shouldn't. Which is why grown-ups were invented. (turns away) RITA: All of time and space, eh? DOCTOR: (swings back) Oh, yeah. And when we get out of this, I'll show you, too. RITA: I don't know what you're talking about. But I have a feeling you just did it again. DOCTOR: (notices the security camera) Right down to the smallest detail. Got you, Mr Minotaur. The DOCTOR runs down the stairs. RITA walks over and looks up at the camera. She tilts her head back and closes her eyes. RITA: Praise him. INT. HOTEL, HALL The DOCTOR stops running when he hears the voices. VOICES: Praise him. Praise him. Praise him. He is drawn to room 11. He opens the door and looks inside. DOCTOR: Of course. Who else? The DOCTOR closes the door and puts a "Do Not Disturb" sign on the knob. INT. HOTEL, STAIRWELL RITA continues up the stairs. INT. HOTEL, HALL The DOCTOR keeps looking for Security. INT. HOTEL, STAIRWELL AT the base of the stairs, GIBBIS finds the fishbowl and picks it up. INT. HOTEL, SECURITY ROOM The DOCTOR sees the panel of monitors. DOCTOR: Oh, you beauty! Come on, big fella. Where are you? (sees RITA) Rita, where are you going? (picks up a phone and dials) On the monitor, RITA stops and looks at a room door. DOCTOR: Come on, come on, come on! RITA looks right at the camera. INT. HOTEL, HALL RITA opens the door. INT. HOTEL, SECURITY ROOM DOCTOR: Come on, come on. Rita, where are you going? Can you take the phone into the corridor? Will it reach? On one of the monitors we see RITA come back into the hall. DOCTOR: You started to praise it, didn't you? RITA nods DOCTOR: Rita, come back. Please. We'll find a way to stop it, I swear to you. RITA: (gets down on the floor) No, I need to get as far away from you all as possible. DOCTOR: No, you don't. The creature only wants whoever's praising it. RITA: You'll put yourself in its way? DOCTOR: I'm coming to get you. Block out the fear and stay focused on your belief. RITA: The hotel will keep us apart. I could be 50 miles away by now. I want you to do me one last favour, Doctor. I can feel the rapture approaching, like a wave. The DOCTOR can see the Beast on one of the monitors. RITA: I don't want you to witness this. I want you to remember me the way I was. AMY and RORY enter the room. AMY: What's going on? Rita's disappeared. What's she doing there? DOCTOR: Rita. Rita, please. Let me find you. RITA: You stay where you are. Please, let me be robbed of my faith in private. RORY: (points at a monitor) Look. DOCTOR: Rita. Rita. Go into the room, lock the door. RITA: I'm not frightened. I'm blessed, Doctor. INT. HOTEL, HALL RITA: I'm at peace. I'm going to hang up. INT. HOTEL, SECURITY ROOM DOCTOR: No, no, no, Rita. RITA: Goodbye, Doctor. DOCTOR: Rita! RITA: Thank you for trying. DOCTOR: Rita, please! RITA hangs up the phone. DOCTOR: Please! Please. INT. HOTEL, HALL RITA stands in the middle of the hall and faces the way the Beast will come from, her back to the camera. She puts her arms out and her head back. INT. HOTEL, SECURITY ROOM The DOCTOR hangs up the phone and slowly sits down. They watch on the monitor as RITA turns around and smiles at the Beast as it comes up in front of her. The DOCTOR uses the sonic to shut them off. On one of the monitors, GIBBIS is in the kitchen and it looks like he is eating the fish. INT. HOTEL, DINING ROOM RITA is with JOE and HOWIE. INT. HOTEL, BAR AMY and RORY are sitting in the bar. In the room beyond them, the DOCTOR is having a tantrum, screaming and knocking things off tables. He then moves to the far booth, GIBBIS at the middle booth. DOCTOR: OK. It preys on people's fear and possesses them. (there is a completed Rubik's cube on the table in front of him) But Rita wasn't afraid, she was brave and calm. Maybe it's something to do with the people, some connection between the four of you that'll tell me how to fight it. GIBBIS: Yes. You keep saying that, but you never do. And while we wait, people keep dying. And we'll be next! AMY: Look, he'll work it out, he always does. Just let him riff and move anything expensive out of his way. DOCTOR: Oh, no. Oh, no, no. AMY: Doctor, what is wrong? DOCTOR: It's not fear. It's faith. Not just religious faith, faith in something. (walks over to the middle table) Howard believed in conspiracies, external forces controlling the world. Joe had dice cufflinks and a chain with a horseshoe. He was a gambler. Gamblers believe in luck, an intangible force that helps them win or lose. (moves between the tables) Gibbis rejected personal autonomy and is waiting for the next batch of invaders to tell him what to do. They all believe there's something guiding them, about to save them. That's what it replaces. Every time someone was confronted with their most primal fear, they fell back on their most fundamental faith. (sits on barstool and runs his eyes) And all this time, I've been telling you to dig deep. Find the thing that keeps you brave. I made you expose your faith. Show them what they needed. RORY: But why us? Why are we here? DOCTOR: It doesn't want you. That's why it kept showing you a way out. You're not religious or superstitious, so there's no faith for you to fall back on. It wants her. (points at AMY) AMY: Me? (sits by the DOCTOR) Why? DOCTOR: Your faith in me. That's what brought us here. RORY: But why do they lose their faith before they die and start worshipping..."it"? The DOCTOR stands and walks over to RORY. DOCTOR: It needs to convert the faith into a form "it" can consume. Faith is an energy, the specific emotional energy the creature needs to live. Which is why at the end of her note, Lucy said... AMY: Praise him. DOCTOR: Exactly. It takes a moment for what AMY said to sink in. RORY is on his feet. RORY: No. Oh, please, no. They hear the Beast coming. INT. HOTEL, HALL The four of them run through the halls. The Beast chases after them. AMY stops and faces it. The DOCTOR and RORY come back for her. DOCTOR: Amy? GIBBIS: What are you doing? AMY: He is beautiful. GIBBIS: Leave her! Just leave her! The DOCTOR and RORY each drape one of AMY'S arms over a shoulder and drag her down another hall. GIBBIS follows. INT. HOTEL, AMY'S ROOM They run into a room and see young AMELIA sitting on her suitcase, waiting and watching for the DOCTOR at the window. RORY tries to hold the door against the Beast. GIBBIS gets down between the beds. AMY kneels on the floor. AMY: Doctor, it's happening. It's changing me, it's changing my thoughts. DOCTOR: I can't save you from this, there's nothing I can do to stop this. AMY: What? DOCTOR: I stole your childhood and now I've led you by the hand to your death. But the worst thing is, I knew. I knew this would happen. This is what always happens. The BEAST pushes the door open, forcing RORY into the corner. DOCTOR: Forget your faith in me. The Beast growls. DOCTOR: I took you with me because I was vain, because I wanted to be adored. (strokes her hair) Look at you. Glorious Pond. The girl who waited for me. He is now speaking to AMELIA. DOCTOR: I'm not a hero. I really am just a mad man in a box. And it's time we saw each other as we really are. He kisses her forehead and she is back to AMY. The BEAST staggers out the doorway. DOCTOR: Amy Williams. (taps her on the chin) It's time to stop waiting. The DOCTOR stands in the door and moves into the hall. INT. HOTEL, HALL The DOCTOR moves slowly as he watches the BEAST collapse onto the floor. The lights begin to flicker. The DOCTOR kneels beside the BEAST and strikes it comfortingly. DOCTOR: (whispers) I severed the food supply. Sacrificing their faith in me. I gave you the space to die. Shhh, shhh. INT. CONTROL ROOM The DOCTOR stands as the hallway disappears and turns into a black room with a lit grid floor. An instrument panel is running off to the side. AMY, RORY and GIBBIS are there. AMY: What is it, a minotaur? Or an alien? Or an alien minotaur? That's not a question I thought I'd be asking this morning. DOCTOR: It's both, actually. (walks to the panel) Yeah. Here we go. (checks the information) Distant cousin of the Nimon. They descend on planets and set themselves up as Gods to be worshipped. Which is fine, until the inhabitants get all secular and advanced enough to build bonkers prisons. RORY and GIBBIS look through a porthole in the floor. They are in space. RORY: Correction. Prisons in space. AMY: Where are the guards? DOCTOR: No need for any. It's all automated. It drifts through space, snatching people with belief systems and converts their faith into food for the creature. GIBBIS: (points) See that planet, there? RORY: Which one? GIBBIS: The grey one, there. RORY: Mmm-hmm. GIBBIS: That's where I'm from. AMY: It didn't want just me. So, you must believe in some god or someone, or they'd have shown you the door, too. So, what do Time Lords pray to? DOCTOR: According to the in-flight recorder, the programme developed glitches. It got stuck on the same setting, the fears from the people before us weren't tidied away. The BEAST growls. AMY: What's it saying? DOCTOR: (translates) "An ancient creature, drenched in the blood of the innocent, drifting in space through an endless, shifting maze. For such a creature, death would be a gift." (kneels and puts his hand on the BEAST'S) Then accept it. And sleep well. The DOCTOR stands and walks away as the BEAST growls again. DOCTOR: "I wasn't talking about myself." The BEAST'S eyes close as it dies. The DOCTOR walks to the TARDIS. AMY and RORY walk back, their arms about each other. GIBBIS is standing by the TARDIS. GIBBIS: Could I have a lift? Just to the nearest galaxy would do. The DOCTOR unlocks the TARDIS. EXT. STREET, DAY A row of colorful townhouses are across from a fenced-in park. One is a soft blue with a royal blue door. A classic red Jaguar E-Type is parked outside. The TARDIS materializes and the DOCTOR, AMY and RORY step out. AMY: Don't tell me. This isn't Earth, that isn't a real house. And inside lives a goblin, who feeds on indecision. DOCTOR: Nope. Real Earth, real house. (tosses AMY a set of keys) Real door keys! AMY: You're not serious? RORY: The car, too? (walks towards the car) But that's my favourite car. (the DOCTOR fake boxes) How did you know that was my favourite car? DOCTOR: You showed me a picture of it once and said, (mimics RORY) "That's my favourite car." (tosses RORY the car keys) AMY: Rory, can you give us two minutes? Two minutes? RORY: (puts an arm around the DOCTOR and pulls him aside) She'll say we can't accept it because it's too extravagant and we'll always feel a crippling sense of obligation. (looks over his shoulder at AMY) It's a risk I'm willing to take! RORY keeps staring at the car as he heads to the front door of the blue house. AMY leans against the bonnet of the car and pats next to her. AMY: Hey. The DOCTOR leans next to her. AMY: So... You're leaving, aren't you? DOCTOR: You haven't seen the last of me. Bad Penny is my middle name! Seriously, the looks I get when I fill in a form... AMY: Why now? DOCTOR: Because you're still breathing. AMY: Well, I think this is about the washing-up, personally. Both of them laugh a little sadly. DOCTOR: (stands and walks to the TARDIS) I mean, you're right, there's still heaps of stuff out there to look at. Do you know, there's a planet whose name literally translates as "Volatile Circus"? (stands in doorway) Or maybe there's a bigger, scarier adventure waiting for you in there. AMY: (looks at the house) Even so, it can't happen like this. (walks towards him) After everything we've been through, Doctor. Everything. You can't just drop me off at my house and say goodbye like we shared a cab. The DOCTOR walks back and meets her in the middle of the road. DOCTOR: And what's the alternative? Me standing over your grave? Over your broken body? Over Rory's body? AMY: (hugs him) If you bump into my daughter, tell her to visit her old mum sometime. DOCTOR: And look after him. AMY: Look after you. (kisses his forehead) The DOCTOR walks slowly back to the TARDIS and stops in the doorway to wave. AMY laughs and cries. AMY: (waves back) Bye. The DOCTOR closes the door and the TARDIS dematerializes. RORY comes out of the house with glasses and a bottle of champagne just in time to see it disappear. RORY: What happened? What's he doing? AMY: (faces RORY) He's saving us. We switch to an aerial shot of the street, with the two of them standing in the middle. INT. TARDIS The DOCTOR watches the rise and fall of the center column. INT. WILLIAMS HOUSE AMY stands at the window and looks up at the sky INT. TARDIS The DOCTOR stands at the console and turns around, leaning against it. He is alone. [SCENE_BREAK] FADE TO BLACK.....	Plan: A: a disguised alien structure; Q: What does the Doctor recognize as a 1980s hotel? A: The layout; Q: What is constantly shifting in the hotel? A: the TARDIS; Q: What do the Doctor and his companions lose in the hotel? A: Joe; Q: Who is the first human to be killed by the monster? A: Gibbis; Q: What alien is in the hotel with the Doctor and his companions? A: a minotaur-like monster; Q: What creature possessed Joe, Howie, and Rita? A: The Doctor; Q: Who takes Amy and Rory back to Earth? A: a specific faith; Q: What did the minotaur feed on? A: the monster collapses; Q: What happens when the Doctor convinces Amy to break her faith? A: a prison ship; Q: Where is the hotel setting revealed to be part of a simulation taking place on? Summary: The TARDIS lands in what appears to be a 1980s hotel, which the Doctor recognises as a disguised alien structure. The layout of the hotel is constantly shifting, and they soon lose the TARDIS. They meet others who had also suddenly found themselves in the hotel: humans Rita, Howie, Joe, and the alien Gibbis. One by one, Joe, Howie, and Rita are seemingly possessed by a minotaur-like monster and lured to it and subsequently killed. The Doctor surmises that the minotaur fed on a specific faith each of them had and discovers that Amy will be next, as she has faith in him. He convinces her to break her faith and the monster collapses and the hotel setting is revealed to be part of a simulation taking place on a prison ship. The Doctor takes Amy and Rory back to Earth, believing it is best for them to stop travelling with him before they are killed.
Narrator: America's top ghost hunters relive their most extreme assignments. (Woman screams) This house is beyond haunted. Hardened veterans of the paranormal, these are the cases that truly tested them. There was an evil presence in that house. In Ohio, the ghost of a crazed murderer will stop at nothing to keep the secrets of his crimes buried in the past... Did Albert kill you? (Beeping) Karlo: He shot his own brother, he hung his other brother. What's he gonna do to us? Narrator: ...In Massachusetts, a man suffering violent and unrelenting hauntings turns to investigators to save him from possession. Yeah, he was definitely terrified. I never experienced anything like that before. Narrator: ...And in Michigan, an investigator hunting the ghost of a violent prisoner makes a mistake that puts him in grave danger. Man: Oh! Dad, get out of there. This is not a game. It is real. Narrator: A historic farmhouse in the sleepy countryside outside of Lorain, Ohio... It should be the perfect home for newlyweds rick and colleen. But as soon as the happy couple move in, they are confronted by terrifying and unexplained activity. Loud footsteps pace back and forth upstairs... (Footsteps) ...Even though no one else is home. (Footsteps) From one of the bedrooms, the sound of an angry male voice. But no one is there. Overwhelmed by fear, the newlyweds call a paranormal investigator for help. Karlo Zuzic is a member of the Ohio researchers of banded spirits. Tormented as a child by violent and unrelenting hauntings, Karlo now faces evil spirits to save others from the same torture. My family really didn't believe in the paranormal. I didn't have anybody to turn to, so I wanted to be that person for others and help them. Narrator: Karlo begins the investigation by digging into the history of the house and its occupants. The previous owners were Robert Clarent and his mother -- Moved in in 1970. Narrator: What Karlo discovers about the oldest brother Albert is sickening. Albert had a issue. I guess he had anger issues. One day in 1971, they were having lunch, and they got into an argument. I'm your older brother! A fight broke out. (Bleep) Damn it! You do this every time. Every time? Albert got up, grabbed a shotgun, stood at the doorway, pointed the gun at the back of Robert's head, pulled the trigger, and shot him in the back of the head. Albert got arrested, and he ended up going to a mental institution for five years. He was released after that to his brother Clarence, and he moved back into the family home. Narrator: But Albert's crimes weren't over yet. Karlo: In 1986, his brother Clarence was found hanging in the barn. They thought Albert had something to do with it, but they didn't have the proof to actually arrest him, so they said it was a suicide. Narrator: Albert takes the truth about Clarence's death to his own grave, nearly 30 years later. The murderous history of the house puts Karlo on edge. Any time there's violence or some sort of traumatic accident, that energy's gonna be locked in that location. We knew that there may be an evil presence in this home. Narrator: As the scene of possibly two murders, the home has a more violent history than anywhere Karlo has investigated. When we first pulled up, you know, the house looked like an old farmhouse with this huge barn. It just -- it looked -- it looked creepy. Upon entering the home, we told the rest of the team, you know, keep an eye out for each other, because the anger Albert had, that energy could still be there. Chris: Your senses get heightened. You know the story of what happened inside and the horror that took place, so you do start to get on edge. Karlo: They had a heavy feeling. You knew death occurred there. You know there is a bad murder that happened there. If you're here, show us your face. And you could feel hate in this home. There was a lot of hate in that home. Narrator: They suspect the hateful spirit watching them is Albert. Karlo decides to try for some hard evidence. Karlo: We had digital voice recorders, a k-ii meter. The k-ii meter is an EMF detector. We use it to find spirits. Spirits will actually manipulate it, and it'll light up for us. If there's any sort of energy around there, we could pick up on that. Are you here? We'll start out, "what's your name? who's here?" Just the simple things. Albert, if you are here, give us a sign. Narrator: The house remains eerily quiet. Karlo: But knowing the history of what happened there, we're kind of getting forceful with our questions. "Albert, did you kill your brother? What did you do to Clarence?" (EMF beeping) As soon as we start touching on the murder... That's when we heard the voice. We actually heard a male's voice say "go away." It was definitely an angry male that was telling you to go away. Oh. Hearing that sent chills through us. I mean we were like, "what was that?" You know, we were in shock. So we went back and played our recording, and sure enough, we captured a male's voice saying, 'go away." It came from the kitchen area where the murder actually occurred. As you walked towards it, you could feel, like, the chills, you know, like something was in that area. There was a presence definitely there. (EMF beeping) We know Albert's there. He's warning us at this moment. You know, he's telling us to leave. Narrator: In Lorain, Ohio, the ghost of a multiple murderer has returned to terrorize the occupants of his old house. The entity has threatened investigator Karlo Zuzic, and now he's about to confront it. Karlo: It came from the kitchen area where the murder actually occurred. As you walked towards it, you could feel, like, the chills. I was getting worried because you're dealing with a spirit that's unstable. You know, he was unstable in life. He's gonna be like that in death. He's hostile, so he could lash out on you. Narrator: Seeking answers, Karlo and Chris head to the one place that might anger Albert even more -- The barn where his brother Clarence suspiciously died. You know, it was sad. It was a sad feeling knowing that a man lost his life there. One of the most prominent things that you see is this rope hanging from the ceiling. Narrator: Karlo has a gruesome suspicion. This may be the rope used to kill Clarence. Karlo: What I was feeling when I approached the rope, you know, was sadness. It was almost like Clarence's sadness was still bottled up in that area. You know, a man lost his life there. Was it a suicide? was it a murder? That's why we're there. We want to get an answer. Narrator: To find the truth, Karlo decides to try to talk to Clarence from beyond the grave. We took the S.L.E.D. Device -- Stands for static L.E.D. Device. This will actually pick up static electricity, and the spirits will then manipulate that device to actually talk to us in real time. We attach the S.L.E.D. To Clarence's actual noose, and then we started the EVP session. Karlo: Are you here, Clarence? If you can hear me Clarence, give us a sign. And as soon as we started asking Clarence about the suicide... Did Albert force you to kill yourself? (EVP beeps) ...It started beeping. Now we know there's a presence near our device. (Beeping continues) Then we're like, "Clarence, did Albert do this to you? Did Albert murder you? (EVP beeps) Then we got a steady, flatline beep. (EVP flatlines) In an investigation, that has never happened to us before. When that thing lit up, I mean, it sent chills through your body. I mean you got the chills watching this device go off. (EVP beeps) We're getting a response from someone that's dead. You know, they're telling us their story from the afterlife. He's reaching out to us, and he wants his story told. Did Albert kill you? (EVP beeps) We're amazed that this device is just going off to those specific questions. (EVP beeps) Clarence is communicating with us at that moment. The feeling I had was Albert did this to him. Albert actually killed Clarence. Narrator: If Albert took this terrible secret with him to the grave, he isn't about to reveal it now. As we're standing there, it's darker than dark. We hear what sounds like something being thrown or possibly hit. (Indistinct clanks) There's loud banging noises, like stuff was being pushed over. There was something moving around in that back area of the barn. So we're trying to figure out. We open the barn door, we looked around. There's nobody around. Okay, well, we know we heard it. There's nobody here. You know, you get that creepy feeling. You get the hair standing up on the back of your neck. Narrator: Albert's presence is turning this into Karlo's most intense assignment yet. I believe Albert was getting angry that we're asking Clarence for answers. You could feel his negative presence in that location. Chris: There's noises, there's stuff being pushed over to distract us from getting to the root cause of what actually happened. He's getting pissed off. Damn it! He obviously shot his own brother, he hung his other brother, what's he gonna do to us? We were absolutely terrified. Narrator: Having collected all the evidence they need, Karlo calls off the investigation before Albert's threats turn physical. Karlo: The conclusion that I came to, Albert was still haunting that location. That energy is locked there. Albert won't release his grip of the home. Narrator: Karlo shares his shocking findings with the homeowners. When we showed them the evidence, they were blown away by it. They had the feeling -- obviously you know -- That there was some sort of presence there just by what they were experiencing. I mean, for us to validate that, you know, they were shocked. But what really shocked them the most was that Albert actually killed Clarence. With the high levels of paranormal activity and the gruesome crimes that happened there, the couple was afraid for their lives. They abandoned the house, and they will not step foot on the property. [SCENE_BREAK] Chris: The house is there vacant, like a dark reminder of what happened with that family so many years ago. The longer Albert's spirit stays in that home, it actually gets stronger. Karlo: If you go on this property, you have to watch out. Albert could lash out at any moment. You don't know what he's gonna do next. Narrator: Still to come, in their most dangerous case yet, a father-daughter team battle the spirit of a violent prisoner but are not prepared for the power of his fury. Man: Help! But first, hauntings can drive their victims to the brink of insanity and often ghost hunters are their only hope of salvation. Woman: Jack? It's a spirit. An ordinary house on an ordinary street in Springfield, Massachusetts. But what homeowner mark is enduring is far from ordinary. At first, mark is tormented by whispering voices, unexplained footsteps, and strange scratching in the walls. Sinister shadow people appear in his room. He sees tiny creatures and feels hands grab at him from under the bed. Petrified, mark looks to his faith to protect him, but praying only makes things worse. Mark: Hallowed be thy name. Narrator: The final straw comes when mark discovers deep scratches all over his body. Scared and desperate, mark calls a paranormal investigation group. He was seriously afraid that maybe he was dealing with something demonic, and he wanted help as quickly as possible. Narrator: A member of spirits of New England, Jack Kenna has battled evil entities for almost 10 years. His experience with the spirit world began as a child when he witnessed his mother enduring terrifying hauntings. Now, jack devotes his life to saving others. Our team decided to help him because that's what we do. We're there to try to help people who are experiencing things they can't explain and that they're afraid of. Narrator: Jack brings his team into mark's house, ready to face down whatever is tormenting him. The client, he looked very scared, and he was probably one of the more frightened clients that we've had. Jack: When I initially walked into the house, went in with just being a little guarded because of the reported activity. We brought with us our DVR systems, infrared cameras, digital recorders, EMF meters to try to check to find out what's really going on. Narrator: Jack tells the team to investigate upstairs while he heads to the kitchen alone. It's a decision he'll come to regret. When I walked in, it felt a little different there, a little bit heavy. I did feel a presence. I did feel heaviness. (Coughs, wheezes) It was hard to breathe. (Gasps, breathes shallowly) Narrator: In Springfield, Massachusetts, a man is being plagued by terrifying and violent paranormal activity. Veteran ghost hunter, Jack Kenna fears it is demonic, and when he enters the kitchen, its attention turns to him. I did feel a presence... A heaviness... (Gasps, breathes shallowly) ...A bit hard to breathe. (Gasping, breathing shallowly) And I'm getting a little worried and concerned about what I might be dealing with. (Beeping) Narrator: Battling his fear, jack tries to capture evidence of the presence. (Beeping) I captured an EVP in that kitchen. It's a voice. You hear it, it's kind of whispery, grainy, "stop god." Jack: What did you just say? Doesn't even sound like a human voice. Is there somebody out there? We don't know what that was. Why would a spirit, if it was just a human spirit say 'stop god"? That gives me lot of concern for the client. It could be something potentially demonic. Narrator: Already shaken, things are about to get worse for Jack. The next thing that happens is we hear these scratching noises on the ceiling. (Scratching) Sharon, what's going on up there? Are you guys moving around? Sharon: No, we're not moving. The scratching -- you get a very negative feeling, sounds terrible. And we were all looking up and we are going "what's that?" (Scratching continues) We start looking to try to figure out what that is. Was there an animal in there? There's nothing. The place is sealed up. We don't know what the scratching noise is. Narrator: Suddenly, Jack gets a dreadful sense of impending danger. You get a very negative feeling, a very intense 'we shouldn't be here, get out' type of feeling. Narrator: Fearing for the team's safety, Jack moves them out of the kitchen. Sharon and Becca head to Mark's bedroom to search for evidence. [SCENE_BREAK] Sharon: We were just gonna sit for a few minutes and then do an EVP session, and you know, K-II session, and see if anything wants to talk to us, essentially. 15 minutes or so, we were getting nothing. It was just completely quiet. Narrator: They are not alone for long. Then all of a sudden, we heard footsteps coming down the stairs and down the hall, heavy footsteps. (Footsteps) It was clear as day that there was somebody coming down the hall. They called us up on the walkie-talkie and asked us if somebody had just come down. Nobody just walked through here, so the footsteps they heard weren't any of us. Sharon: We're staring at this open doorway waiting for somebody or something -- whatever -- To come through the door. We both went to check the hall, and we looked, and there was no one there. It was pretty creepy -- After you've heard that, and there's absolutely nothing there. Well, nothing that you could see. Yeah, we heard it down here, too. Then Sharon hears, sounds like a woman humming. Is that you out on the hallway? There's humming upstairs. They were a little freaked out when I told them no one upstairs was humming. They go look, they check. There was nobody there. Let's go. They also look at the DVR footage. There's no one coming down through that area. No one. Experiencing the walking, hearing the humming, knowing it was a spirit walking through there. Narrator: Worried about the escalating activity, jack sends his team to safety and prepares to confront whatever is haunting the house alone. I started talking to the spirits saying, I understand you don't like when you are talking about god. You don't like when a client talks about Jesus. You don't like when he prays. I'm trying to get this thing to interact. At that point, I'm getting more aggressive with it. Why are you bothering...? Aah! That's when I felt something grab the back of my thigh, and it was a tight squeeze. You could feel, like, a hand squeezing. I never experienced anything like that before. I've never been touched by a spirit before. And I remembered what the client said about these little creatures. He was being touched, scratched, bruised. Every time I talked about god, my calf was squeezed. And I'm getting a little anxious now at this point, because it was not just my imagination, it was a negative feeling, it was a negative energy. So I was getting fearful because of the potential of what I might be dealing with. And then I hear this hissing noise. And I see this shadow figure start -- Shadow figure standing. Narrator: In one of his most unnerving cases ever, ghost hunter Jack Kenna is going toe-to-toe with a violent demonic spirit. In asking the spirit to reveal itself, jack may have just made a terrible mistake. I could see the shape of this figure, and it was very obviously looking at me. I mean, I was totally afraid at that point. That was actually the first time I experienced a shadow person. It was just wild. I mean, it just blows my mind. I'm looking at it, and I put the camera on it, and I look down, and I can't see it. And then I watched this shadow figure fade away. Jack: It was like a human shape, darker than dark. It startled me. I have freaking chills all through my body. I'm shaking. (Breathes shallowly) Freaky! I mean, just who was it? Narrator: Shaken, jack asks Becca, the team's psychic medium, to get a reading on who is haunting the house and why. Jack: She was able to tell me about this old pauper cemetery. It's not less than about 400 yards from the client's home. That cemetery is now the location of a hospital the client worked at. There's no markers, there's no nothing, there is over a thousand people buried in this location. Narrator: Jack and Sharon suspect dark forces from the cemetery that are unable or unwilling to cross over are targeting the living, perhaps seeking revenge. We think that the spirits from that cemetery had attached to him. The footsteps, the scratches, the bruises -- Were those spirits from the old pauper cemetery who were not at rest? They maybe resent what's happened to them, 'cause these people were just buried -- No names, no nothing, just lost souls. Narrator: Jack knows exactly what he has to do -- Remove the vengeful spirits and release mark from his torment. By the power of love and light, I expel you from this house. Sharon: We did what we call "a reveal." We took one of our psychics to help clear it out, cleanse it out, and just put him at peace. Release this house of the evil spirits. Sharon: The atmosphere of the house was more peaceful, so was the client, and we have not had any complaints from him since. If you hadn't experienced these things for yourself, you would think the client was crazy. We experienced everything that he said he experienced. It was true. Every bit of what he told us was true. [SCENE_BREAK] Narrator: In one of their most dangerous assignments ever, investigators venture into a haunted jail and run into the spirit of a violent criminal. And when the ghost attacks, nothing can prepare them for the power of his fury. Get out of there. Narrator: Allegan, Michigan. For 60 years, the old county jail housed the city's most dangerous criminals. Murderers, rapists, and violent offenders were all locked up in its cells. When the jail closed in 1963, it's turned into a museum, but it cannot escape its sinister past. Museum staff are tormented by strange noises... And dark shadows. When objects are thrown by unseen forces, the terrified staff reach breaking point. (Woman screams) Desperate for help, the museum's historical society calls father-daughter team, Alan and Anna Tolf. As an investigator, 28 years in law enforcement, to get an opportunity to investigate a jail was, you know, a great honor and a privilege. We're actually the first paranormal team they ever let come investigate, which was exciting and we wanted to do the best job that we could for them. Narrator: After hearing the witnesses' stories, Alan and Anna cautiously enter the old cell block building. Cell block 1 is still in the original form. It has not been touched, renovated. Writing from the prisoners are still there. You know, almost instantaneous as you passed through that doorway, it was cold, like, a darker feel, heavy. The cell blocks just felt... Like there was a presence, it felt like someone was watching you. Alan: Is there anybody there? When we're first walking through, we were hoping to capture some EVPS. Narrator: Alan and Anna are not disappointed. Anna: EVP session, Allegan county jail. Listen to this. We hear a male voice several times clearly. "Bob, bob" in different tones. And it was angry, frustrated. Narrator: The further they go into the cell block, the stronger and more agitated the voice becomes. Man: Bob. (EVP beeping) Right away, I started getting k-ii readings. (EVP beeping) I felt extremely uncomfortable in that jail cell. There was writing on the wall, hash marks for the days. Narrator: One of the markings stops them cold. Alan: To see Bob Horton and hear it several minutes prior on an EVP... It was -- you know, it just -- It blew me away. Narrator: Digging into jail records, Alan makes a chilling discovery. Bob Horton was incarcerated in the 1940s and '50s, and he was not a nice guy. Alan: Bob was a career criminal. Spent the majority of his adult life in jail for assault and battery, larceny, numerous arrests. (Alarm buzzing) Narrator: The discovery sets the Tolfs on edge. I knew the energy was strong, and I could feel this presence. Kept feeling that vibrating feeling deep inside. I could feel a hand on my shoulders -- One of the first times I actually could feel a hand on my shoulder, being poked at. I definitely knew something was there with us. Alan: Anna! Anna: (Screams) Narrator: In Allegan, Michigan, frightening paranormal activity has been plaguing staff of an old jail museum. An encounter with a ghost of a violent prisoner has already left investigators Alan and Anna Tolf shaken. Now the ghost has gone on the attack, targeting a terrified Anna. Alan: Anna! Anna: (Screams) It was one of first times I actually could feel a hand on my shoulder, being poked at. To be in a cell with a man that who you can't see, you feel vulnerable, you feel threatened... And that is scary. Alan: My concern, first and foremost, would always be for my daughter. Alan: Anna! (gasps) Alan: I felt like Anna was being violated. I told her to step out, and the activity stopped. Narrator: Scared but determined, the Tolfs reach out to bob again. Alan: We were asking questions. How long have you been in here? Why are you still here? Narrator: But bob is in no mood for talking. Bob told us to get out. He became extremely angry... Very vulgar, mean. "Get out (bleep)" and threatening things. (Breathes shallowly) I think he was an angry man, and it did keep building up and building up. It was best for us to move on at that point. And that was when simultaneously, we heard the crash in front of bob's cell. (Thumping) Sounds like a safe hitting concrete. (Clanging) It all happened so quickly, I mean, we thought somebody was down in the jail with us. Go! Alan: We walked the perimeter of the entire block -- Nothing out of place, nothing that would have made that type of sound. Nothing. Narrator: Fearing what bob will do to them next, the tolfs run for safety. It gets overwhelming, extremely overwhelming. Alan: Reviewing the video, it is very clear that there is somebody shuffling around inside the cell. (Thumping) That was unsettling. And just prior to the crash, you hear two very loud footsteps -- Thump, thump! And then... Alan: Oh, my god! Uh, it was -- I was blown away. I don't know exactly what caused that noise or what it was. But I'm sure it came from anger. Narrator: Refusing to be driven away, Alan and Anna head back inside. Alan returns to bob's cell alone. We had received so much activity within that cell, I thought it'd be wise to place one of our cameras in between the bars. Narrator: It's a decision that has painful consequences. I was watching the monitor, while he was doing this. And you see this ball of energy forming, and it's flying around him. It was all happening so fast. Oh! Dad! get out of there! Narrator: In a haunted former jail, investigator Anna Tolf is attacked by the ghost of a violent prisoner. Now alone in his cell, it's her father Alan who is in grave danger. I see the orb come in to the view. Narrator: The spirit is gathering power and manifesting itself as a glowing sphere of energy. Could see this orb flying around him. It flew right into his lower back. Oh! Aah! I felt a very sharp pain in my lower back... Like I was being stabbed. Ow! And I hollered. Are you stabbing me? Ow! Dad! get out of here! Alan: Anna! Hearing him holler and knowing I couldn't do anything, just at that moment, I did feel out of control and that did scare me. (Sighs) When that happened to dad, I was frightened, to say the least. This is not a game. It is real. Ow! Here. Anna: I was just fearful of what was going to happen next. It was extremely threatening. I have been investigating the paranormal for a long time, and nothing like this has happened to me before. Ow! I really think the orb that hurt dad, I really think it was bob. I think he was angry with us, frustrated, maybe we were, you know invading his space, invading what he thought was his territory. I think -- I believe it was Bob. Narrator: Terrified of bob's escalating aggression, the tolfs had two choices -- Get well away or try to cross his spirit over. Alan: We spoke to bob and talked about, have you seen the light? have you been to heaven? Bob, why don't you cross over and be in peace? Alan: Don't be afraid, we won't hurt you. Why do you stay here? What are you afraid of? You want to say something? Bob just responded negatively... Then quit responding. Narrator: Alan and Anna suspect that bob's spirit is hiding to prevent them from removing him. As it relates to crossing over or moving on, I just don't think he's ready for that. Bob spent the majority of his adult life in jail. It might have been some place he was more comfortable with than being outside. He's stuck. Narrator: The tolfs are forced to end their investigation. Alan: Well, we sat down with the historical society after the investigation and covered everything with them. They were shocked. Narrator: When the tolfs tell of bob's terrifying attacks, the museum seals off all access to his cell. Alan I believe that bob poses a danger to anyone that would go into that cell and push the envelope -- absolutely. Bob doesn't want to be messed with.	Plan: A: Ohio; Q: In what state is a crazed murderer's ghost a persistent presence? A: his secrets; Q: What does the ghost of a crazed murderer want to keep? A: Massachusetts; Q: In what state does a man suffering violent hauntings turn to investigators to save him from possession? A: an investigator; Q: Who hunts the ghost of a violent prisoner in Michigan? Summary: In Ohio, the ghost of a crazed murderer will stop at nothing to keep his secrets. In Massachusetts, a man suffering violent hauntings turns to investigators to save him from possession. In Michigan, an investigator hunts the ghost of a violent prisoner.
Skyline: The light at the top of the space needle glows. ACT I [Scene 1 - Cafe Nervosa Roz is seated at the table with a friend, Ann, who is quite obviously a rather chatty, but pleasant woman.] Ann: Does he wear jewelry? Because I don't do "man jewelry." Roz: He doesn't wear jewelry. Ann: What about skin issues? Because I have a thing against tags, growths, any kind of fleshy masses. Roz: Ann, he's male and his heart is beating. What else do you need to know? Ann: Okay, yeah. [Frasier enters.] Roz: Frasier! Frasier: Roz, I came as quickly as I could. What's the emergency? Roz: Well, no, it's not an emergency, it's just... Ann: [interrupting, taking Frasier's hand] Hi. I'm Ann Hodges. I'm divorced. Frasier: [sitting] I'm sorry. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. Roz: I thought you two would like to meet. Ann is in insurance. Frasier: Well, I'm sorry she dragged you all the way down here. I've just renewed my policy, but perhaps Roz could introduce you to my brother Niles. Ann: Is he single? Frasier: No, but with a baby on the way, he might need some additional coverage. Ann: Super. Well, thanks a lot, Roz, this was totally worth a drive across town. [She exits.] Roz: Are you dense? I was trying to set you guys up. Frasier: Why would you do that? Roz: I don't know, maybe because you haven't had a date in ages, and it's starting to show. What is that, your purse? Frasier: This is a grocery tote. I wanted to pick up some vegetables and some cat food at the market. Roz: You did not get a cat. Frasier: No, no, I am catsitting for a neighbor, and I go out. I'm going out this evening. Roz: With whom? Frasier: People. Roz: People you're related to? Frasier: They're still people. Listen, Roz, I may not go out as often as you do, but that's because I have standards. Haven't you ever heard of waiting for Miss Right? Roz: Yeah, well, Miss Right has standards too, and she's not looking to meet Mr. Mothballs. Frasier: You can smell that? Roz: Yes. Frasier: Oh. Roz: You need a placeholder: someone you can go out with and just keep your dating muscles toned. That way you'll be ready when Miss Right comes along, and Ann Hodges is a born placeholder. Frasier: I don't want to go out with somebody I'm not interested in. I would rather wait for Miss Right, and while I'm waiting, there's no reason I can't live a rich and rewarding life. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get these vegetables home and into a hearty winter soup. [Kenny enters. Frasier rises.] Kenny: Oh, hi, guys. Hey, Doc! You're always free. My cousin's in town, why don't you help me show her the city? Frasier: Did Roz put you up to this? Roz: I had nothing to do with it, I swear to God. Frasier: Well, I'm sorry, Kenny, but I am booked all this weekend. Oh, here's luck! I found a perfectly good thimble in this pocket! See you later. [He exits.] Roz: Thanks anyway. Kenny: Hey, I tried. [SCENE_BREAK] THE FIFTH WHEEL [Scene 2 - A fancy restaurant (Chez Henri?) The party of Niles, Daphne, Martin, Ronee, and Frasier are waiting at the counter to be seated.] Niles: [over fade-in] Reservation for Crane. Maitre d': [French accent] For four, sir? Niles: No, sorry, for five. [Frasier raises his hand.] We added one. [Niles smiles, irritated but tolerant, at Frasier.] Maitre d': All we have is a table for four. Ronee: We can all squeeze. This one's always on my lap after the second drink anyway. [She playfully rubs Martin's cheek. He laughs.] Maitre d': Very well, Madam. [to a waiter, under his breath and irritated] Get the chair. [He leads them to their table.] Frasier: You know, there's really no need to go to all this trouble. I have a perfectly good winter soup back home. [They all respond with "Oh, no," "Don't be silly," etc.] Frasier: All right, um, Well, um... [He sits in the chair that the waiter has placed on the side of the table. It is "too low," and the table is about on the level of Frasier's chest.] Frasier: I'm sorry, do you have anything higher? Maitre d': [condescending] Sorry, Sir. I will look for a cushion. [He exits.] Martin: So Fras, tell everybody about that new antique you picked up today. Frasier: Well, it's-it's a late Regency fruitwood mirror. Very valuable if it has the original glass, which mine does. Martin: No! Niles: What are the odds? Martin: If you like mirrors, you should see the one Ronee's got in her dressing room. It's got lights all around the edges, and it has three settings. Ronee: Yeah, daytime, nighttime, and... yikes. [They all laugh. The waiter approaches.] Frasier: Oh, yes, excuse me, if I could get a place setting, that would be lovely. Daphne: What's Inizio Due Cuore? Waiter: That's our appetizer sampler for two. A bruschetta for you, a bruschetta for your love, and so on. Frasier: Is it possible to make that for one? Waiter: [disbelieving] One? Frasier: [irritated] Yes, a bruschetta for me, no bruschetta for my love, and so on. Waiter: I'm sorry, it's due or no. Niles: That's fine, we'll get two orders and we'll just all share. [They all agree with the suggestion.] Waiter: Very good. [He exits. Another waiter pours their water.] Niles: Mmm. Looks delicious. Ronee: This is fun, you know this is the first time Marty and I have been our with another couple. [an uncomfortable pause] And Frasier, it's fun being out with Frasier too. [They all agree warmly.] Frasier: All right, listen, all of you just knock it off. [An elderly man, the restaurant owner, rises from his table.] Owner: [announcing] Welcome everyone! 42 years ago tonight, I married my beautiful Theresa. And now, we hope that all you loving couples out there will help celebrate our happiness by joining us in a dance. [Everyone in the restaurant rises to dance except for their table. Martin and Ronee begin to sway to the waltz music. Niles and Daphne uncomfortably study the menu.] Niles: I'll have the fish, I believe. Frasier: Oh, just go dance! [Both couples are glad to do so. Frasier is now alone. A waiter comes out of the kitchen with a child's booster seat, which he offers to Frasier as another waiter bumps Frasier on the way back to the kitchen. As the dance continues, Frasier gestures refusal of the booster seat and begins to stew in self-pity. Fade out.] [Scene 3 - Frasier's apartment Frasier enters, carrying a take-out box. His new antique mirror stands near the door. A cat sits on the arm of the couch.] Frasier: Hello, Mr. Bottomsley. [He hangs up his coat.] Dinner was an absolute nightmare. Fortunately, I was able to slip out of there early and pick you up a little treat. [He chuckles, indicating the box.] Fresh tuna. You're welcome. [He plays his phone messages.] Roz: [v.o.] Frasier, this is Roz. Write down this number: 555-0179. Don't get mad, that's Ann's number. I talked to her, and she really thought you were cute and sweet and... [Frasier cuts off the message.] Frasier: Honestly, why does everyone assume that I need some companionship in my life? Has the world gone mad, Mr. Bottomsley? [He goes to the kitchen. Mr. Bottomsley follows.] Frasier: Well, what shall we two bachelors do this evening, Mr. B? Perhaps a crossword puzzle. Maybe watch a little telly. Oh, I know--how about a nice hot bath? [Mr. Bottomsley gives Frasier an alarmed, warning look.] I'm just teasing. Now, I know that you're used to eating canned tuna, so this will taste different, but if you're like me, I think you'll agree it's much better. If only there were a treat here for me. Ah, what's this? A delicious nine- vegetable winter soup. [He sniffs the soup.] Yes, Mr. B, I think you were right about the bay leaves. [Mr. Bottomsley stares. Frasier exits the kitchen with a meal tray. He takes on a British accent.] Frasier: Ah, Mr. Bottomsley, lovely to see you again, sir. Your customary table, I presume, hmm? Splendid. Here you go. [He sets the tuna on the coffee table and collapses on the couch. Mr. Bottomsley begins to eat the tuna.] Frasier: Well, isn't this civilized. [Eddie runs in from the back.] Frasier: Beat it, Eddie, there's none for you. [Eddie runs back.] Do you feel a draft, Mr. B? I'm just a little bit cold. [He places an afghan over his back like a shawl.] That's better. [He blows on a spoonful of soup.] Hmm, that's still a little too hot. You know what, while we're letting that cool, why don't we find a home for our... antique. [He picks up Mr. Bottomsley and starts to pet him.] There we are, yes, now. [He moves to the mirror, still petting the cat.] Frasier: You know, you don't find one of these very easily. Especially in such good condition. Won't that covetous Niles be mad when he sees this, hmm? But he can't have it, can he, nooo. Yes, he can't have it, can he, no, no... [Throughout the course of this long monologue, Frasier's speech has become more and more mannered, as it does when talking to a pet, with the appropriate voice inflections. Now he stands in front of the mirror, hunched over with the afghan on his back and stroking the cat more and more ardently. Upon seeing himself, he realizes...] Frasier: [normal voice] Dear God, I'm Aunt Shirley! [He rapidly removes the afghan from his back and unceremoniously drops the cat on the couch, who meows angrily. He rushes over to the phone to retrieve Roz's message.] Frasier: What's that number? [He punches phone buttons feverishly. Fade out.] END OF ACT I ACT II [Scene 4 - The Montana apartment Niles's eastern European maid, Mrs. Gablyczyck, is meticulously cleaning a lampshade with a penknife. Niles comes down the stairs with some apparently unopened dress shirts.] Niles: Mrs. Gablyczyck, these new shirts...did Mrs. Crane ask you to buy them for me, because I already have shirts just like these. Mrs. Gablyczyck: [heavy eastern European accent] No, no, after I wash, I pin them and wrap in plastic. You not like? Niles: No, no. [voice breaking] I like very much. Mrs. Gablyczyck: Thank you, mister. [The doorbell rings.] Niles: [to Mrs. Gablyczyck] No, no, I'll get it. [He opens the door after lovingly setting his shirts on a chair. It is Martin. Mrs. Gablyczyck exits.] Niles: Hey, Dad, come on in. Daphne'll be right down and we can go. Where's Frasier? Martin: [believe it or not] On a date! Niles: Get out! Martin: Yeah! About time, huh? It's like I was saying to Eddie--this guy's got to get a life! [He sits.] [Daphne rushes down the stairs.] Daphne: Niles! I left $60 on the desk yesterday, and now it's gone. Is that proof enough for you? [Niles motions to her to lower her voice.] Niles: Are you sure you didn't misplace it? Daphne: You know I didn't! Martin: What's going on? Daphne: Ever since we hired Mrs. Gablyczyck, things have been disappearing-- liquor, money, linens... Martin: So she's stealing from you? Daphne: Yes! Niles: No, we don't know that. And frankly it's hard to believe that somebody who'll go out in a rainstorm to clean pigeon muck from the solarium skylight is capable of theft. Daphne: We can't put up with stealing just because she's good at what she does. Niles: First of all, she's not just good at what she does, she's brilliant! [He grabs his pinned, wraped shirt and displays it.] She's an artist. Martin: Tell you what. You give me five minutes with her, and if she's hiding anything, I'll get it out of her. Niles: Dad, we are not going to coerce a confession out of this woman based on circumstancial evidence. [A bell dings. Mrs. Gablyczyck comes down the stairs.] Mrs. Gablyczyck: Oven is clean. Now I scrub down dishwasher. Niles: Oh, Mrs. Gablyczyck, you dropped some...[disheartened] money. Mrs. Gablyczyck: [hurriedly picking up the cash] Thank you, Mister. Niles: All right, Dad, you've got five minutes. [SCENE_BREAK] SQUIRMIN' LIKE HERMAN [Scene 5 - The fancy restaurant from Scene 2 Frasier and Ann are being seated.] Frasier: [fade-in] We'd like your famous appetizer for two, please. Maitre d': I'll let your waiter know. Frasier: Thank you very much. [The maitre d' exits.] Frasier: So, Ann... tell me everything. Who is Ann Hodges? Ann: Wow. Well, I'm an insurance claims adjustor. That's what's so funny. When we met, you thought I was in sales, but I'm not. Frasier: Oh. Ann: I'm in claims. Frasier: Well, you know, we don't have to have just shop talk. What are your dreams? Ann: Oh, my God. Well, my dream is to become a senior claims adjustor. It's sort of the same, but you get a private cube and your own extension. I would have got it last year, but I paid a big claim the company didn't like. I knew I goofed the second I did it. It was just one of those "Shoot!" moments, you know, when you just say "Shoot!" Do you ever do that, make a big mistake and want to go back in time and just do something different? Frasier: [having one of those moments, but smiling bravely] Oh, yes. Ann: Well, I'm going to run to the ladies' room. I just had to have that Dr. Pepper while I was getting dressed. [She laughs and exits. Frasier plays along and sits down as the waiter approaches.] Waiter: Good evening, sir. Would you care for something to drink? Frasier: Yes, as a matter of fact, I would--I'd like your finest bottle of Barolo, please. Why don't you come back in a minute and see what the lady likes. [The waiter leaves. Kenny enters with a beautiful brunette.] [SCENE_BREAK] Kenny: Doc? Frasier: Hmm? Kenny: Hey, small world! Frasier: Oh, Kenny, hi. [He rises.] Kenny: This is my cousin I was telling you about. This is Dr. Crane. Liz: Dr. Crane--I heard your show today. It was great. Frasier: Well... is this, uh, your first time in Seattle? Liz: Yes, it is. I'm a fine arts dealer, but I'm considering a curator position at the Seattle Art Museum. Frasier: That's impressive. Kenny: Oh, that's nothing. She teaches kids ballet, and she rock climbs. She plays the harp. Oh, what am I doing. I haven't introduced you. Dr. Frasier Crane. Liz Wright. Frasier: [completely beguiled, and recognizing the irony] It's lovely to meet you... Miss Wright. Liz: Well, it's too bad you're not free tonight. You could have joined us. Frasier: Oh, well, how about tomorrow night? Liz: Oh, I'd love to, but I'm on a plane tonight to Amsterdam. I have a job offer there as well. Kenny: I'm doing my best to convince her to pick Seattle, but it's tough when you're up against the Dutch. Frasier: Ah. Kenny: Could have really used your help there, Doc. Frasier: Yes, well, you know, I'm just about finished up here. Liz: You know, we wouldn't want to interrupt your date. Frasier: Oh, it's not a date. It's not a date. It's just a little business thing. You know, I'll tell you what. I'll just wrap things up here, and then I'll come and help you wage the battle for Seattle. [They laugh.] Liz: That's great! We'll see you soon. Bye. Frasier: Bye. [Ann re-enters.] Ann: Man, oh man, that place was a madhouse. I got so tired of waiting I just decided to hold it. [They sit.] Ann: I'm so glad you picked Italian. I love macaroni. Frasier: Ah. Ann: That's another thing we have in common, I guess. Frasier: [chuckling] Well... uh, you know, Ann, uh, first dates are funny. Umm, sometimes it takes a while for two people to click. Sometimes you know right away, and, uh, I think when you do, you should just feel free... Ann: [interrupting] You are so cute. Click! [She laughs merrily.] Frasier: What? Ann: Click, click. The sound of us clicking. Frasier: Ann, um... Ann: You don't know what a relief this is. I've only had one date since my divorce. Well, half a date. The jerk actually called it off in the middle of dinner. I was a wreck. I didn't get out of bed for a week. [feigning embarassment] Or shave my legs. [The waiter arrives.] Waiter: Your appetizers. Frasier: [overdoing it] Oh. Gosh, this is a feast! I'm not sure we'll need to order a main course. Ann: Well, this ain't gonna do it for me. I'm starvin' like Marvin. [Frasier is at a loss and has difficulty maintaining his smile. Fade out.] CZECH, LIES, AND VIDEOTAPE [Scene 6 - The Montana apartment Martin interrogates Mrs. Gablyczyck in the kitchen. Niles is present.] Martin: [fade-in] Mrs. Gablyczyck, we're friends here. No one wants to send you to jail or back to your country. We just need you to admit that you took the money. Mrs. Gablyczyck: [seated] I no take nothing. Martin: [suddenly] Do you want to go to jail!? Do you want to go back to your country!? Daphne: [entering] Well, I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, but I'm afraid we're going to have to show her the tape. Mrs. Gablyczyck: What tape? Daphne: It's from the surveillance camera. It shows you stealing. [after a pause] You might as well confess, I've got the evidence. Mrs. Gablyczyck: I want to see tape. Daphne: [uncomfortably] All right. [She leads them out of the kitchen.] Daphne: I'll give you one last chance to tell the truth, Mrs. Gablyczyck, because if we watch this tape, we'll have no choice but to call the police. Mrs. Gablyczyck: [determined] I see tape. Daphne: All right. [overdramatizing] I'm putting the tape in. Here I go. I'm pressing play. Now I'm switching the input from cable to video. Niles, get ready to call the police. [She is out of options. The tape plays, and it is Martin's birthday party. We hear the chorus of "Happy Birthday, dear Dad."] Martin: Hey, that's me. Daphne: Yes, I used an old tape of your birthday party, but the surveillance part's coming up. [dramatizing again] Last chance, Mrs. Gablyczyck, it's coming up! Niles: Okay, I have to step in here... Mrs. Gablyczyck: [giving in] All right, all right! I stole. Daphne: [surprised she pulled off the bluff] You did? Mrs. Gablyczyck: I didn't think you know. I bring it back. [She exits to the kitchen.] Niles: [dejected] Well done, Daphne. Oh, but I'm so disappointed, I was really hoping you were wrong. Martin: [bending over the television] Hey, hey, did you see that? Watch this again! Niles: What? Martin: You must have put the camera down when we went into the kitchen for ice cream. Watch Daphne's mother. Daphne: My mother, she stayed behind to grab her sweater. Niles: And our candlesticks. Daphne: And our 20-year-old Scotch! Mrs. Gablyczyck: [entering] This is plate I brought home. I take Mrs. Crane's leftover meat pie. But I brought plate back. Niles: Mrs. Gablyczyck, we're so sorry. We've made a terrible mistake. We know now you didn't steal anything. Can you ever forgive me? Mrs. Gablyczyck: Or course, mister. You're nice man. And you're nice lady. [She glares accusingly at Martin, who tries to hide his discomfort. Fade out.] [Scene 7 - The restaurant Continuation of Frasier's unfortunate date] Ann: Are you sure that's all the little bunny wants to eat? Just a little green salad? Frasier: [not hiding his unhappiness] The bunny had a big Mexican lunch. You know, if you're feeling full then I'm sure they could wrap up the rest of that for you. Ann: Oh no, I'm just trying to pace myself so that I'll have room for dessert. I hear the souffl� here is well worth the wait. [Frasier looks dejected. He looks over to Miss Wright, who smiles at him.] Frasier: Excuse me, I'd better get that! [He pulls out his cell phone.] Ann: That didn't even ring. Frasier: Yes, it did. Hello? Niles? Is there something wrong? Oh, dear God, well, you just stay there on the floor. I'll be right there. [putting the phone away and rising] I'm so sorry, uh... Ann: Is everything all right? Frasier: Well, actually, it's my brother. He's thrown out his back again. Oh, God, right in the middle of our magical evening too! [to the passing waiter] Uh, check please. Thank you. You know, I guess I'm just going to have to put you in a cab. I'm so sorry. I was having such a lovely evening. Ann: Well, maybe we could meet for coffee tomorrow. Frasier: Yes, um, all right, all right. [The waiter brings the check.] Frasier: Ah, thank you very much. Yes, here, yeah, that's fine, uh, you just keep the change. Uh, thank you. [to Anne] Uh, shall we? Ann: You know, I'm just going to call a cab later. There's no sense all this food going to waste. Frasier: [frustrated] You know what, I-I can't leave. I can't. It would be rude. Ann: Oh, don't be silly! Go! Frasier: No, no. It's... not like he's going anywhere anyway. [Ann belatedly begins to be confused by his behavior.] Ann: Okay, well, uh, are you sure you're not hungry? You're welcome to try some of mine. Frasier: Well, now that you mention it, uh, I guess I would like to try it. Yes, thank you. Ann: Help yourself. [He does. He appears to have accepted the situation. During the course of Ann's next speech, however, he begins to eat voraciously, eventually using his hand as well as his silverware, and after finishing, rapidly wiping his face with a napkin.] Ann: Okay, well where were we? Oh, that's right, my husband. Anyway, he says he doesn't love me, he's bored, blah, blah, he's suffocating. If only, I say. I would've gotten a nice little settlement. I mean, we were covered up the yin-yang. He had a sweet whole-life policy that paid double for accidental death. I borrowed against it to get my Hyundai. [Frasier has just finished off the meal.] Hey! Who's the ravioli monster? Frasier: [chuckling] Roar. Ann: You're worried about your brother, aren't you? Maybe we should just go. Frasier: [eagerly rising] All right. Once again, I've had such a lovely evening. [They exit to the foyer.] Ann: I hope I didn't talk your ear off. Frasier: I can still hear you, so no. Gosh, uh, you know, I'm parked out back, so I'll just slip out through the kitchen. I'm sure the valet can find you a cab. Ann: Oh, okay, well, here we are. [smiling] The awkward part. Frasier: Oh, it's not awkward at all. I'd be delighted to pay for your cab. [He stuffs money in her hand.] Here we are. Bye-bye. [He rushes back into the dining room and joins Kenny and Liz Wright.] Frasier: Hi! I hope I'm not too late. Kenny: You know, I think I talked her into taking that Seattle job. Frasier: Oh, well, let me be the first to offer my congratulations... to Seattle. [He takes her hand.] Liz: Thank you. Frasier: And please let me offer my services as a cultural attach�. Liz: Well, I would love that. Frasier: Well, I think this calls for a toast, uh, may I please see your list of champagnes please? [As the waiter exits, Ann re-enters.] Frasier: [stunned] Ann. Ann: I thought you left our date to go take care of your brother. Liz: Date? I-I thought you said you were just wrapping up a business meeting. Ann: Is that why you ate all of my raviolis? Because you were just trying to get rid of me? Frasier: No, no, of-of course not. Listen, there's a perfectly logical explanation for all this, which is...I'm sorry. I've-I've go to take that! [taking out his phone again] Hello? Liz: That didn't ring! Ann: [sarcastically] It's very soft. Frasier: Oh, gosh, Dad, that sounds serious! You stay put, I'll be right there. [The phone rings in his ear.] Frasier: Ow, that's loud. [The jig is up.] Kenny: Oh, Doc, what are you doing? Ann: [dejected] This is exactly like my other date! Liz: Kenny, I think I'd like to get to the airport a little early tonight. Frasier: But Miss Wright... Liz: I'll meet you out front. [to Frasier] Excuse me. [She exits.] Kenny: But, Liz! This one hurts, Doc. I had a souffl� coming. [He exits, leaving Ann and Frasier.] Frasier: I'm sorry, Ann. Ann: I'm sorry, too. Sorry for thinking you were different from all the other jerks out there. But you're not, you're just another selfish, dishonest creep. Frasier: You're right. I don't know what to say. Ann: Well maybe you can come up with something before we have coffee tomorrow. Frasier: [as she exits] Are you seriously suggesting that...? Ann: What? Frasier: See you at 10:00? Ann: [saving her dignity] Okay. [She exits, leaving Frasier sitting alone. Fade out.] END OF ACT II Credits Frasier is sitting eating Kenny's souffl�. An man in a sport jacket approaches and Frasier indicates that he can sit. The man begins to talk and show him various photographs. Frasier pulls the "cell phone trick" again, and quickly leaves, the man still attempting to push his photos.	Plan: A: Frasier; Q: Who is a lonely bachelor? A: vegetable soup; Q: What does Frasier eat in the evenings? A: a friend's cat; Q: What is Mr. Bottomsley? A: an embarrassment; Q: What does Frasier find about dining out with the family? A: two couples; Q: What is Frasier sandwiched between when he goes out with his family? A: Daphne; Q: Who is Niles's wife? A: Ronee; Q: Who is Martin's wife? A: Roz; Q: Who offers to set him up with a friend of hers? A: insurance; Q: What does Ann work in? A: a solitary old man; Q: What does Frasier want to avoid becoming? A: Julia Sweeney; Q: Who played Ann? A: an insufferably dull meal; Q: What does Frasier find Ann to be? A: Kenny; Q: Who offers Frasier a way out of his date? A: Liz Wright; Q: Who is Kenny's cousin? A: ( Krista Allen; Q: Who is Liz Wright? A: the arts; Q: What does Liz Wright work in? A: his date; Q: What does Frasier have to get rid of to get out of the situation? Summary: Frasier seems to have become a lonely bachelor who spends his evenings eating vegetable soup and looking after a friend's cat, Mr. Bottomsley. Dining out with the family is also now an embarrassment for him, being between two couples: Niles and Daphne, and Martin and Ronee. Roz offers to set him up with a friend of hers, a divorcée who works in insurance , saying she would be the perfect "placeholder". Frasier is not keen, but desperate not to turn into a solitary old man, agrees to a date with Ann (played by Julia Sweeney ). Halfway through what he finds an insufferably dull meal, Kenny appears with his attractive cousin Liz Wright ( Krista Allen ) who works in the arts, and offers Frasier a way out. All he has to do is get rid of his date.
•I do not own the characters or situations of BTVS, and I claim no credit for the content of this episode. I have merely transcribed what appeared on my screen, with help from the closed captions. •I prefer that you link to this transcript on the Psyche site rather than post it on your site, but you can post it on your site if you want, as long as you keep my name and email address on it. Please also keep my disclaimers intact. •You can use my transcripts in your fanfiction stories; you don't have to ask my permission. (However, if you use large portions of episode dialogue in your fanfic, I recommend you give credit to the person who wrote the episode.) •I apologize in advance for my lame transcription of the fight scenes. I don't know the names of different punches and kicks. Use your imagination. [SCENE_BREAK] Teaser BUFFY: Riley! RILEY: Know you got a lot on your mind. You decide you wanna let me in on any of it, you let me know. GILES VOICEOVER: Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer... Riley letting a female vampire bite him. RILEY VOICEOVER: Buffy's like nobody else in the world. But she doesn't love me. Spike kissing Buffy. SPIKE VOICEOVER: Buffy, I love you. Spike sitting up in bed horrified. SPIKE: Oh God, no. Joyce in the CAT scan machine. DOCTOR VOICEOVER: Your mother has ... a brain tumor. Buffy reacting. Buffy and Joyce hugging in a hospital room. Joyce being wheeled into surgery as Buffy and Dawn watch. Shot of the hospital corridor with various personnel coming and going. Riley wakes up as someone walks over to them. GILES: Just me. Sorry. Can I get you anything? BUFFY: No, thank you. GILES: Riley? RILEY: No, I'm fine. Giles nods, looks fidgety, walks off. We discover Willow and Xander sitting nearby. Behind them we see the nurses' station. WILLOW: What time is it? XANDER: There's a clock behind you, Will. WILLOW: (pouty) I know, but there's a watch right above your hand. Xander shows her his watch. Willow frowns. WILLOW: That can't be right. (Turns to look at the clock above nurses' station) Oh. She sits back and exchanges a look with Xander. Cut back to Buffy and Riley. Buffy leans her head back and sighs loudly. Riley puts his hand on her knee. BUFFY: I can't stand this. What's taking so long? RILEY: It doesn't mean anything. BUFFY: You think? RILEY: I'd worry more if your mom was out of surgery quickly. Might mean that, you know, they couldn't do much. Buffy frowns, looks down at Dawn, looks up. Suddenly she puts her hand over Riley's which is still on her leg. Shot of the hospital corridor. We see the doctor walking toward us. Dawn wakes up as Buffy slides out from under her. Everyone stands up. The doctor walks closer. Zoom in on Buffy, nervously waiting for the news with Riley and Dawn behind her. Wolf howl. Opening credits. Guest starring Bailey Chase, Nick Chinlund, and Kristine Sutherland as Joyce Summers. Written and directed by Marti Noxon. [SCENE_BREAK] Act I [SCENE_BREAK] Fade back in on the hospital scene. DR. KRIEGEL: Okay, your mom's in recovery. BUFFY: What happened, is she all right? DR. KRIEGEL: It was possible to visualize the tumor completely, which means I was able to get all of it. So, barring complications in recovery ... I think your mother's going to be fine. (Everyone reacts with relief) Of course we're still going to have to watch your mother carefully, and, uh, have her back in here for some follow-up testing, (Buffy nods) but, uh, overall I'd consider the procedure a complete success. Smiles all round. Everyone hugs each other. Giles and Xander start to hug, then settle for a handshake instead. BUFFY: (hugging Riley) Oh my goodness, doctor, thank you, thank you so much. DR. KRIEGEL: Please, it's my pleasure. Buffy hugs him and he yells in pain as she forgets her slayer-strength. She gasps and pulls back. BUFFY: Sorry. Sorry! The doctor puts a hand on his back and gives Buffy a funny look. Cut to: exterior shot of Xander's apartment building, night. Cut to: interior of Xander's apartment. Xander, Anya and Dawn are eating Chinese food around a low table. DAWN: When I was younger, I used to put my chopsticks in my mouth like this, (She puts chopsticks into her mouth so they stick out like very long fangs) and then Buffy would chase me around the house yelling, (makes claw hands) 'I'm the slayer, I'm going to get you!' (Laughs) ANYA: That's disturbing. You're emotionally scarred and will end up badly. DAWN: (removes chopsticks) No, it was great. I mean, she didn't actually stake me in the heart, you know. XANDER: Buffy's pretty cool like that. (Gets up to clear the dishes) So, what do you wanna do now, Dawnster? Keeping in mind that I won't chase you because I'm old and I'm stuffed full of moo goo gai starch. Dawn starts to reply but Anya interrupts. ANYA: Well, we could play that game again, Life. That was fun. DAWN: (frowns) For you. You always win. ANYA: Well ... we can make a wager this time. You can give me real money. That would be different. XANDER: (sarcastic) And after we teach her to gamble, maybe we can all get drunk! ANYA: (not getting it) I don't think the bar would serve her, but we could bring something in. (to Dawn) Strawberry schnapps taste just like real ice cream. XANDER: Okay, how's about a movie? (Opens the newspaper and walks back to them) They're showing them in theaters now. I hear it's like watching a video with a bunch of strangers and a sticky floor. (He lays out the newspaper where he and Dawn can both look at it) DAWN: (points) That one looks sad. XANDER: The chimp playing hockey? Is that based on the Chekhov? Anya comes running over and grabs the paper eagerly. ANYA: There's a chimp playing hockey? DAWN: Um, no, the other one. I don't wanna see a sad movie. ANYA: We have to see the chimp playing hockey! That's hilarious! The ice is so slippery, and, and monkeys are all irrational. We have to see this. XANDER: You pick, Dawn. This is your night. We are celebrating your mom's good news. Anya looks chastised. ANYA: (softly) Go monkey. Choose monkey. DAWN: It's okay. You guys don't have to make a big deal for me. I'm only sleeping over here so Buffy and Riley can boink. Xander looks embarrassed. XANDER: No, that's not, that's not it at all, they just need time to, uh... (clears throat) be tender. Relax. Anya smiles and rubs Xander's chest. ANYA: (to Dawn) He's not very convincing, is he? Dawn shakes her head in agreement. DAWN: 'Alone time' always translates into 'get Dawn out of the house so we can have loud obnoxious sx.' Xander looks like he wants to object, but doesn't. Anya smiles, then suddenly realizes something. ANYA: (softly to Xander) Oh, does that mean we can't? Xander gives her a look. Cut to candles burning on a mantle. Soft romantic music. Pan over to Buffy and Riley dancing in the darkened Summers home. BUFFY: Can we put this song on repeat? RILEY: Whatever you want. BUFFY: Can we put the whole night on repeat? RILEY: Absolutely. BUFFY: Good. (sighs happily) Mm, I can't believe how relaxed I feel. It's like all the tension's just left my body. RILEY: Oh, really? 'Cause I had that scheduled for a little later on. BUFFY: Scheduled? Are you planning on seducing me, Mr. Finn? RILEY: Always. They kiss. RILEY: I want tonight to be special for you. BUFFY: It's more than special. It's perfect. RILEY: Well, I'm glad. You deserve it after everything you've been through. BUFFY: Well, it's nothing compared to what my mom had to deal with. RILEY: (nods) It was a lot. And you were incredible. BUFFY: (smiles) Not really. Just covering for the weepy chicken within. RILEY: Don't sell yourself short. You stayed strong throughout, Buffy. You never even cried. BUFFY: Oh, I cried. I cried so hard, I didn't think I was gonna be able to stop. Riley looks surprised. She puts her head on his shoulder. RILEY: Oh. BUFFY: That's all in the past now. Mom's out of the woods, and I'm here with you. That's all that matters. She lifts her head up and they kiss again. Fade to bare legs moving together under bed sheets. Pan up to Buffy and Riley in bed, kissing, naked with strategically placed sheets. Riley is on top. Panting noises. Lots of kissing and writhing. Closeup on Buffy's face as she closes her eyes in pleasure. Pan across them to the window. Cut to exterior shot of the bedroom window. We see Spike standing on the ground below, smoking a cigarette and looking up at the window. He sighs. Cut to the bedroom. Buffy is asleep. Riley watches her for a moment, then slides out of the bed. We can see a partially healed cut on his upper chest and a small bandage on his arm. Cut to Spike outside, putting out his cigarette and turning to leave. He stops as he hears the house's front door open and sees Riley come out. Riley doesn't see Spike. He closes the door quietly and walks off. Spike follows. Cut to Riley walking through a dark alley. Spike still following. Riley walks up to an old warehouse, up some stairs to a door. Spike watches, frowning. Cut to: exterior hospital, day. Cut to: Joyce's hospital room. Joyce has a hand mirror and is looking at her reflection. There's a large bandage on her head. JOYCE: I don't know, Buffy. I think I'll look like I have a cat on my head. We see Buffy holding a wig. BUFFY: But a very well-groomed cat. JOYCE: I think maybe I'll ... stick with a scarf. BUFFY: Come on, wigs are fun. We can get you a whole bunch of different ones. You know, you can be, like, Sixties Mom, Action Mom... (wiggles her hips, suggestively) French Maid Mom... JOYCE: (smiles) I must be getting better, 'cause you're making fun of me. BUFFY: Well, you know. (sits on the bed) Got a lot of time to make up for. JOYCE: You have more important things to make up. I know you've been missing a lot of school. BUFFY: I may have to take a few incompletes, but I will make it through the semester. JOYCE: Well, what about slaying and your friends? I want you to have your life back. BUFFY: Right now I'd rather be here, styling your beautiful new plastic dream hair. JOYCE: Fair enough, but you don't have to keep me company all night. Go out, have fun, get, get Riley to take you to a movie or something. BUFFY: I gave Riley the day off. JOYCE: I don't think he thinks of you as a chore, Buffy. BUFFY: I know that. Look, I told him to make plans with his friends because I wanted to have you all to myself, okay? Besides, I can see him any time. (Gets up, turns away to put the wig on a stand) And I'm sure he'll come over later looking for a little... (suddenly stops herself, turns around to give Joyce an innocent look) bible study. (Nods) JOYCE: Well, good. I mean, just as long as the two of you are spending some quality time with ... the lord. BUFFY: We are. Absolutely. Cut to: looks like a hotel room. A commando is sitting on a sofa fiddling with some high-tech equipment: he has headphones on his ears. Graham walks over to a table where Major Ellis has some maps spread out. ELLIS: What've we got? GRAHAM: Belize. Last transmission. Infra-red scans say they're- ELLIS: Breeding. They're not gonna stay in that village for long. Looks like we got ourselves a hot spot. Tell the men to get ready. Graham starts to leave, pauses. GRAHAM: What about Riley? (Ellis looks confused) Agent Finn. (Ellis nods) I'm telling you, sir, if we go in for a sweep and drop, he's definitely a guy we want on the team. ELLIS: (nods) Well, let's bring him on board. GRAHAM: It, uh, might take a little convincing. ELLIS: Why? What's he got here in Sunnydale that's so special? Cut to: Buffy in bed, asleep, alone. We hear the door open. Buffy wakes up halfway. BUFFY: (sleepy) Riley? We see Spike standing by the door. SPIKE: It's me. Buffy wakes up fully, sits up holding the sheet to her chest. BUFFY: Every time you show up like this, you risk all of your parts, you know that? SPIKE: I wouldn't be here if I didn't have a good reason. As usual, I'm here to help you, and I - are you naked under there? BUFFY: (rolls her eyes) Get out. SPIKE: No, I'm serious. I mean, not about the naked part, I mean... (cranes his neck trying to see under the blankets) BUFFY: Get out or I will drop you out head-first. Spike lowers his voice, speaks intensely. SPIKE: I wanna show you something. BUFFY: (realizing he is serious) What? SPIKE: You need to see this. Buffy sighs. SPIKE: But we need to move if we wanna get there in time. Buffy raises her eyebrows to indicate that she can't get dressed with Spike watching. He scoffs. SPIKE: Oh, please! Like I give a bloody damn. He turns his back, and then makes an agonized face, forcing himself not to look as Buffy reaches for her clothing. Cut to: Spike leading Buffy through the alley, up the stairs to the warehouse. Buffy looks confused. Spike opens the door for her. They enter the warehouse and see a bunch of people being sucked on by vampires. Random trash, old bathtubs, etc., all around. Buffy stares at it in dismay. SPIKE: Don't stop, Slayer. This isn't what we're here for. We see two large male vampires overseeing things. One of them is putting some money into his vest. Buffy looks around with a frown, looks at Spike. He nods toward some stairs. They approach the stairs and start up them. One of the vamps grabs Spike and spins him around. VAMP 1: What do you think you're doing? SPIKE: Just having a little look, mate. Keep it down. He turns away but the vamp stops him again. VAMP 1: You can't go up there. Spike grabs the vamp by the throat and shoves him to the floor. SPIKE: I said keep it down. Buffy watches all this from halfway up the stairs. Spike turns, adjusting his jacket, and they go up the stairs. The second level is just as messy as the first. Spike leads Buffy through the mess to a slightly open door. She looks suspiciously at him, then goes through the door and discovers Riley, sitting bare-chested on a mattress on the floor, with a female vamp sitting on his lap, drinking from his arm. He doesn't see Buffy yet. RILEY: Harder. The vampire continues sucking. Buffy gasps. Riley looks up and sees her. Closeup on Buffy staring in horror. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act II [SCENE_BREAK] Fade back in on the same scene. The vamp continues to feed from Riley. Riley looks at Buffy and gulps. RILEY: Buffy. Buffy stares at him, backs away and runs out. Spike smirks. RILEY: Buffy! SPIKE: We only came here because we care about you, friend. (Riley shoves the vamp aside and gets up) You need help. Spike smirks and walks out. Cut to Buffy hurrying down the stairs. Vamp #2 hands something to Vamp #1 and moves to intercept Buffy. VAMP 2: Hey. Hey, hey. He steps in front of her but she gives him a shove and he flies backward, hitting the wall as Buffy exits. Spike comes down the stairs a few steps behind. Vamp 2 growls as Spike passes him. Cut to Buffy exiting the warehouse, pausing at the bottom of the stairs, looking shell-shocked. Spike bursts out, passes her and turns back. SPIKE: I thought you should know- Buffy lifts her head and gives him a fierce look. Spike looks startled. She runs past him and away, down the alley. Spike looks disappointed. Cut to inside the warehouse. Riley comes rushing down the stairs, buttoning his shirt. Vamp #2 intercepts him, grabbing his shirt. VAMP 2: Was that the slayer? What the hell do you think you're doing bringing the slayer here? RILEY: Back off, man. I didn't know. VAMP 2: Nobody's gonna risk coming here now! RILEY: I said back off! Vamp 2 punches Riley in the stomach. Riley punches him in the face and he goes down. Riley runs out as Vamp 1 helps Vamp 2 up. Cut to: exterior of the Summers house, night. Cut to: interior of Buffy's room. She enters, closes the door and leans against it, frowning, still looking shocked. Fade to Riley entering his own apartment, which is dark. He closes the door and sighs, moves inside and turns on a lamp. Behind him we see Graham and Major Ellis, and another commando. Riley doesn't turn around. RILEY: Get out. ELLIS: I need to talk to you. RILEY: (turns to face them) I'm not in a talkin' mood. ELLIS: Then listen. (Walks toward him. Graham follows) GRAHAM: Riley, just give the man a chance. You don't like what you hear, we'll be on our way. RILEY: Talk fast. ELLIS: We have a Code One in Belize. A demon tribe is taking apart missionaries in the rain forest down there. RILEY: And you're telling me this because? ELLIS: We're going down to terminate their operation. We want you to join us. Riley looks from one to the other, then away. RILEY: (quietly) I'm a civilian. ELLIS: You're a soldier. RILEY: I quit the government a long way back. ELLIS: We're not government. We're army. GRAHAM: Just like you. ELLIS: (moves closer to Riley) It's not the Initiative, Finn. We don't do experiments. None of us give a damn what makes monsters tick. We just stop 'em. RILEY: What do you need me for? ELLIS: I think you can handle yourself. And I always need bodies. I'm not gonna lie to you. It's the real deal. High risk, low pay, and seriously messy. We ship out for Central America tomorrow midnight. Now maybe civilian life is working out for you... (Riley looks down) and maybe not. Midnight. Tomorrow. The decision's yours. The commandos leave, as Riley ponders the offer. Cut to: magic shop, day. Giles is hanging up a large banner that reads: Don't Forget! Winter Solstice Hanukkah Christmas Kwanzaa & [something obscured by Giles's arm] Are Coming! We see Xander, Anya, and Willow behind the counter unpacking merchandise. GILES: And so it begins. He steps down from his footstool and we see that the last holiday listed is "Gurnenthar's Ascendance." GILES: No longer a victim of crass holiday commercialization, I'm ... a purveyor of it. Anya takes a jar out of a box. Willow moves out from behind the counter. ANYA: Oh. Who ordered more chickens' feet? The ones we have aren't moving at all. XANDER: That's generally what happens when you cut them off the chicken. ANYA: I'm serious. (Opens jar) Maybe we could do a ... holiday promotion. (Takes out a chicken foot) One free with every purchase! (smiles) GILES: Oh, yeah. (nostalgically) Dear holiday memories. Merry tykes by the fire, enjoying their new Christmas ... chicken feet. Willow comes up beside Giles, on the opposite side of the counter from Anya. WILLOW: Aw, holding them tight as they fall asleep. Painting their little toenails. Willow and Giles laugh. Xander grins. Anya grins too, though she is not amused. ANYA: That's so very humorous. Make fun of the ex-demon! I can just hear you in private. (talks to the chicken foot) 'I dislike that Anya. She's newly human and strangely literal.' WILLOW: (frowns) Anya, I don't say that. No one says that. No one talks that way. ANYA: There's nothing wrong with my idea anyway. I've been very good for this store. (frowns) If it wasn't for me, Giles would be a terrified old man staring at a quarterly tax statement and wetting himself. GILES: (insulted) I say, that's an exaggeration. WILLOW: Anya, you've helped out a lot, but I have too. ANYA: (opening another jar) Yes, I forgot about all the vigorous sitting around. XANDER: Anya, you can back off a little. You get paid. Willow's doing this on her own time. Willow smiles and nods triumphantly. ANYA: (with a fake smile) I'm sorry, Willow. Thank you for making time in your busy life to come in here and get in the way of mine. XANDER: (annoyed) Anya, play nice. ANYA: You know, fine, take her side instead of mine (Xander sighs, puts his hands over his face) even though I'm the one who sleeps with you and feeds you, bathes you... Willow frowns. WILLOW: (to Xander) She bathes you? XANDER: Only in an erotic, Penthouse-y way, not in a sponge-bath-y geriatric sort of... GILES: (puts up a hand) Please! Stop, I beg of you. They all look up as the door opens (it has bells that jingle when it moves) and Buffy enters. She has a bag over her shoulder. She strides purposefully over to the counter. BUFFY: I need to find out everything I can about a vamp nest downtown. GILES: A nest? What sort of- BUFFY: There were people there. It, um, it looked like they were paying vampires to bite them. Giles looks shocked. XANDER: Now* I know what to get for the person who has everything! WILLOW: Who would pay to get bitten? ANYA: Oh, that's been going on for centuries. Humans hire vampires to feed off them, they, well, you know, they-they get off on the rush. GILES: And the ... hazards of the underworld can become addictive to ... some people. XANDER: Why don't the vampires just kill 'em? ANYA: Because they get cash, hot and cold running blood, and ... they don't leave any corpses behind so they don't get hunted. GILES: But still, i-it can be terribly dangerous for humans. I mean, people can end up dying accidentally, or, or meeting a, a vampire who only pretends to play by the house rules. BUFFY: (angrily) You knew about this and you didn't tell me? GILES: I hadn't seen it since my Ripper days. I had no idea it was going on in Sunnydale. BUFFY: Well, it is. (Giles frowns) And I'm gonna stop it. She turns toward a large trunk and opens it, revealing a stash of weapons. GILES: Buffy, even if I had known about this, I might not have told you right now. Buffy whirls around. BUFFY: What? Why? GILES: Well, I'm not sure this is where your efforts are best spent. Perhaps you should focus on ... a less ambiguous evil. Glory, for instance? BUFFY: You said people are dying. GILES: They're willing victims. I mean, there are people out there who deserve your help who aren't. BUFFY: Vampires are vampires. And my job description is pretty clear. (They all look uneasy) Are you coming with me or not? XANDER: What's the rush, Buff? If we're going into a nest, maybe we should come up with a strategy. Wait for Riley. Buffy scowls in extreme displeasure. BUFFY: Back me up or not. I'm going. She stalks out. Giles looks conflicted, but he and Xander begin to collect their things. GILES: Anya, will you mind the store? Anya nods. The others gather up jackets and stakes, and leave. Anya watches them go with a smile. ANYA: Have a nice day! Don't get killed. The bell jingles as they exit. Cut to: inside the warehouse. Buffy and Giles are coming down the interior stairs. BUFFY: I don't understand. This place was doing serious business last night. We see that the place is deserted. Willow and Xander are on the main floor. A small grill sits on a table, with a fire burning in it. XANDER: Well, I guess everybody jumped ship once the word got out that the slayer found their crib. (pauses) I just want to apologize for the use of the word 'crib.' BUFFY: (to Giles) Do you think they'll set up shop again in town? GILES: It's hard to say. I'm sure they'll lie low for a bit. BUFFY: But they're around somewhere. There's gotta be a way to find these creeps. WILLOW: Don't worry, Buff, you'll find them. XANDER: Yeah, I'm sure you'll get them next time, champ. Buffy does her angry expression again. She grabs the grill and throws it against a wall. The fire begins to spread. Buffy stalks out as the others stare at her. Willow follows in her footsteps. Xander and Giles follow more slowly, looking concerned. Cut to: Spike sitting in his armchair in his crypt, holding a bottle of alcohol. He pulls out the cork, sighs, and lifts the bottle to take a swig. The door bursts open and Riley enters. SPIKE: What took you? (Puts the cork back in and sets the bottle aside) Guess it takes a while to get back to full strength after those bites. Riley grabs Spike by the shirt and pulls him up out of the chair. SPIKE: Hey! Hey, let's be reasonable about this. Riley slams him up against a pillar. RILEY: You may have noticed, Spike, (punches Spike in the face) I left reasonable about three exits back. SPIKE: Look, I'm not the one who got you into this. Don't kill the messenger. Riley scowls. He pulls back his arm and we see there's a stake in his hand. He plunges it into Spike's chest. Spike gasps. RILEY: Why the hell not? Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act III [SCENE_BREAK] Fade back in on Riley holding the stake in Spike's chest. SPIKE: (yelling) Ow! Bloody hell! Oh god! (quieter) Hey. He looks down at his chest as he realizes he hasn't been dusted yet. Riley yanks the stake out. Spike grabs his chest in pain, and stares at the stake. RILEY: Plastic wood-grain. Looks real, doesn't it? (Grabs Spike's shirt again) Don't think I don't know what's goin' on with you, Spike. (They glare at each other) Stay away from her. Or we'll do this for real next time. He pats Spike on the cheek and walks away. Spike leans against the pillar panting. He's still clutching his chest, but he begins to chuckle, and Riley turns back. SPIKE: (chuckling) Oh, man. You are really under it, aren't you? RILEY: (angrily) What? SPIKE: Look at you. All afraid I'm hot for your honey. RILEY: (walks back toward Spike) Because you are. SPIKE: Well ... yeah. But that's not your problem. Even if I wasn't in the picture, you're never gonna be able to hold onto her. Riley puts his hand over Spike's hand that is covering the wound. He pushes his hand deeper into it. SPIKE: Ow, bloody hell! RILEY: Maybe I didn't almost kill you enough. SPIKE: (in pain) Come on. You're not the long haul guy and you know it. RILEY: Shut up. SPIKE: You know it. Or else you wouldn't be getting suck jobs from two-bit vampire trulls. Riley looks annoyed, lets go of Spike. Spike continues panting. SPIKE: The girl needs some monster in her man ... and that's not in your nature... (He pushes away from the pillar, still holding his chest, and goes to sit in his chair) ...no matter how low you try to go. Spike sits back with an expression of pain. Riley paces around restlessly. Spike reaches for his bottle and begins to remove the cork again. RILEY: You actually think you've got a shot with her? SPIKE: No, I don't. (removes cork) Fella's gotta try, though. Gotta do what he can. (Drinks) RILEY: If you touched her... you know I'd kill you for real. SPIKE: I had this chip outta my head, I'da killed you long ago. (Replaces cork) Ain't love grand? Spike tosses the bottle to Riley, who catches it and removes the cork again. He sits on a nearby coffin and takes a sip. SPIKE: (quietly) Sometimes I envy you so much it chokes me. (They exchange a look) And sometimes I think I got the better deal. (sighs) To be that close to her and not have her. To be all alone even when you're holding her. Feeling her, feeling her beneath you. Surrounding you. The scent ... (louder) No, you got the better deal. Riley looks over at Spike, takes another drink. RILEY: (bitterly) I'm the lucky guy. (shakes his head) Yeah. Long shot of the two of them sitting together. Riley tosses the bottle back to Spike. RILEY: I'm the guy. Spike takes another swig. They sit there together. Cut to Buffy in her workout room, beating on a punching bag. She grunts angrily and scowls as she punches over and over. Cut to the main room of the magic shop. Anya is going over paperwork behind the counter. Xander stands on the other side of the counter looking toward the back room. XANDER: How long has she been in there? ANYA: A while now. Seems pretty gung-ho about it too. Didn't even stop to say hello. XANDER: Yeah, when we went to deal with that vampire nest, she got all Rambo and torched the place. (Anya looks up) Something seriously bad is going on with her. ANYA: Oh, I don't know, maybe you're overreacting. I mean, who hasn't done stuff like that from time to time? I mean, I made this one guy spontaneously combust, (the door bell jingles) and he set his whole village on fire. We see Riley entering. XANDER: Can you stop being scary for a minute and listen to what I'm trying to tell you? Riley approaches and Xander turns to face him. Riley nods toward the back. RILEY: She in there? XANDER: She's training. RILEY: (nods) Would you guys mind clearing out? I need a minute alone with her. Xander nods, goes to get his jacket. ANYA: (to Riley) A little after-hours hanky-panky in the training room, huh? (She comes out from behind the counter as Riley walks toward the back) Boy, Xander and I could tell you some stories... XANDER: Not now. Let's go, Anya. (He and Anya begin walking out) ANYA: (calling over her shoulder) There's a funny thing with the vaulting horse that you can tr... XANDER: Anya! ANYA: What? He started it. XANDER: In your world, maybe, but where the people are, this isn't the time for 'Tales of Anya and Xander's Sexcapades.' ANYA: Oh. (Stops walking and turns to him) Uh, well, maybe we can go home and, you know, have 'em. XANDER: Actually, I've got some stuff to take care of. He walks past her and opens the door to leave. Anya follows him. Cut to Buffy still punching. Riley walks in behind her. RILEY: We need to talk. BUFFY: (continues punching) I'm not ready to talk to you yet. Riley walks forward, removing his jacket and tossing it aside. RILEY: Too bad. He takes hold of the punching bag. Buffy stops punching. BUFFY: I'm serious. (turns away) Unless you wanna fight. RILEY: So let's fight. We need to have this out, Buffy. Right now. Buffy turns back, annoyed. BUFFY: And say what, Riley? 'What were you thinking? How long have you been lying to me?' Nothing you say right now is gonna make this better. She turns away again. Riley moves forward. RILEY: I realize that. (Grabs her arm and turns her around) I don't expect... (angrily) I just need you to hear me out. BUFFY: (quietly) Fine. Get your hand off of me. He lets go of her arm, sighs, walks a few steps away. RILEY: I think, when this thing started, it was just some stupid, immature game. I wanted to even the score after you let Dracula bite you. BUFFY: I did not let Dracula- RILEY: I know. On some level I know that. But I was still spun. (pause) I don't know, I - I wanted to know what you felt. I wanted to know why Dracula and Angel have so much power over you. BUFFY: (shakes her head) You so don't get it. RILEY: I wanted to get it, Buffy. I wanted to get you. BUFFY: So this is my fault? Hey, gee, Buffy's so mysterious, I think I'll go out and almost die. I think I'll go and let some other w... (She stops and looks down.) RILEY: This isn't your fault. It's mine. I feel like hell for what I've put you through. (Buffy still doesn't look at him) It's just... (sighs) these girls- BUFFY: Vampires. Killers. RILEY: They made me feel something, Buffy. Something I didn't even know I was missing until- BUFFY: I can't. I can't hear this. She turns away again and Riley grabs her arm again. RILEY: You need to hear this. Buffy pulls her arm away, walks a few steps away. BUFFY: Fine. Fine! Tell me about your whores! Tell me what on earth they were giving you that I can't. RILEY: They needed me. BUFFY: They needed your money. It wasn't about you. RILEY: (walks closer to her) No. On some basic level it was about me. My blood, my body. (sighs) When they bit me ... it was beyond passion. They wanted to devour me, all of me. BUFFY: (teary) Why are you telling me this? RILEY: It wasn't real. I know, it was just physical. But the fact that I craved it ... that, that I kept going back ... even if it was fleeting, they made me feel like they had such... hunger for me. BUFFY: And I don't ... make you feel that way? (Riley looks away) How on earth can you compare me to that? How can you tell me you understand what those vampires are feeling? You aren't a passion to them, you are a snack! A willing, idiotic snack. RILEY: (angrily) No, I know exactly what they feel when they bite me, because I feel it every time we're together. It's like the whole world falls away. And all there is is you. BUFFY: And you think that I don't feel the same way about you? How dare you tell me what I feel? RILEY: You keep me at a distance, Buffy. You didn't even call me when your mom went into the hospital. BUFFY: (incredulously) Oh, I'm sorry. You know, um, I'm sorry that I couldn't take care of you when I thought that my mother was dying. RILEY: It's about me taking care of you! It's about letting me in. So you don't have to be on top of everything all the time. BUFFY: But I do. That's part of what being a slayer is. (shakes her head) And that's what this is really about, isn't it? You can't handle the fact that I'm stronger than you. RILEY: It's hard sometimes, yeah. But that's not it. BUFFY: Then what? What else do you want from me, Riley? I've given you everything that I have, I've given you my heart, my body and soul! RILEY: You say that, but I don't feel it. I just don't feel it. BUFFY: Well, whose fault its that? Because I'm telling you, this is it, this is me. This is the package. And if it's so deficient that you need to get your kicks elsewhere ... then we really have a problem. They both stare at each other silently for a moment. Then Buffy looks down. Riley sighs. RILEY: They want me back, Buffy ... the military. (Buffy looks up in shock) It's deep undercover, no contact with civilians. Transport's leaving tonight. BUFFY: Tonight? When were you gonna tell me about this? RILEY: I'm telling you now. BUFFY: Are you going? RILEY: I don't know. If we can't work this out... BUFFY: Then what? This is goodbye? (Riley shrugs. Buffy gets mad.) You are unbelievable. You're giving me an ultimatum? RILEY: No, I'm not. BUFFY: Yes you are! You expect me to get over it now or you're gone! RILEY: I don't, Buffy, that's not what I meant. BUFFY: Well, I have heard enough. (angrily) I will not take the blame for this. (Starts to walk away.) RILEY: I'm not asking you to. (Grabs her arm yet again) BUFFY: Let go of me! (pulls her arm away) RILEY: Or what? You'll hit me? (She stares at him. He spreads his arms out.) Go ahead. Come on, do it. BUFFY: Get out of my way. RILEY: I'm serious, Buffy, hit me. Hit me. He walks right up to her. She walks around him and takes her jacket off a hook. RILEY: I'm leaving, Buffy. She stops walking but doesn't turn to face him. He turns to speak to her back. RILEY: Unless you give me a reason to stay ... I'm leaving tonight. Buffy opens the door and walks out, closing it behind her. Riley looks upset. Cut to Buffy walking through dark alleys. Suddenly Vamp #2 and another vamp appear behind her. Buffy slows, then stops and turns to face them. VAMP2: The pyro act was a bad idea, slayer. BUFFY: Felt pretty good to me. VAMP2: I'm not running. And you're not shutting me down. More vampires appear, surrounding Buffy. Overhead shot of her looking around as they form a loose circle around her. There are about ten of them in total. VAMP2: In fact ... you're not gonna make it through the night. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act IV [SCENE_BREAK] Fade back in on Buffy surrounded by vamps. She looks at them, and speaks to Vamp 2. BUFFY: Walk away. (Vamp 2 moves closer) I'm serious. Don't do this. Not now. Vamp 2 lunges at her and she shoves him. He flies backward into some large tubes. The other vamps attack. Buffy backhands Vamp 3, kicks Vamp 4 in the face, spins around to punch Vamp 5. Then Vamp 4 attacks her with a long staff. She punches him in the face, takes the staff and uses it to stake Vamp 6 behind her. She hits Vamp 4 in the face with the staff, dusts Vamp 7, punches Vamp 8, and quickly dusts three more vamps with three quick jabs of the staff. She pauses and faces down Vamp 2. He runs at her, and as he flies over her head she stakes him. She turns and puts the staff to the throat of the last vamp, a woman, who stands still looking scared. Brief shot of Riley being bitten from earlier in the episode, as Buffy realizes the vamp she now faces is the one who was drinking from Riley. Buffy slowly lowers the staff. The vampire looks surprised, then turns and begins to run away down the alley. Buffy stands there looking thoughtful. After a moment she lifts the staff and throws it like a javelin. It flies down the alley and dusts the female vamp as she's running. Buffy stands there staring down the alley. Someone comes up behind her. XANDER: So, how'd that work out for ya? Buffy turns to see Xander emerging from the shadows. XANDER: Make you feel better? BUFFY: What are you doing here? XANDER: I thought you might need to talk. Then I saw the skirmish happen. I was gonna lend a hand, but I noticed you grew a few extra ones. BUFFY: (angrily) Go home, Xander. She turns and starts to stride away. XANDER: Buffy. BUFFY: (turns back) I'm serious! XANDER: So am I. Something's up. You're acting like a crazy person. Buffy turns and begins walking away again. Xander follows. Buffy pushes aside a large metal door and enters a random building. Xander enters after her. Cut to interior of another warehouse. Boxes and metal cans are stacked neatly on metal shelving. Buffy walks over to a set of shelves backed by a metal grating and leans her face against it. Xander walks in behind her. XANDER: Take this, for instance. You don't wanna deal, so you hide? It's not very slayer-like. BUFFY: Just leave me alone, Xander. You have no idea what's going on. XANDER: No? Good, so you and Riley aren't imploding? (Buffy turns to face him in surprise) It doesn't take a genius. What I can't figure out is how you never saw it coming. BUFFY: What? Who told you? XANDER: Nobody told me anything, Buffy. It was right in front of my Xander face. The guy would do anything for you. BUFFY: The guy got himself bit by a vampire! (Xander is surprised) He lied to me. He ran around behind my back and almost got himself killed! And now he tells me that he's leaving with some covert military operation at midnight unless I convince him not to. Now tell me that you understand. Because I sure as hell don't. XANDER: You gonna let him go? BUFFY: (sighs) It's not my decision to make. XANDER: Of course it is. BUFFY: Well, it's not fair. XANDER: Who cares if it's fair? In about twenty minutes, Riley's gonna disappear, maybe forever, unless you do something to stop him. BUFFY: What am I supposed to do? Beg him to stay? XANDER: (in disbelief) Why wouldn't you? To keep Riley here- BUFFY: I don't even know who he is any more. I mean, I thought he was ... dependable. XANDER: Dependable? What is he, State Farm? BUFFY: You know what I mean. XANDER: Yeah. I think you mean convenient. I think you took it for granted that he was gonna show up when you wanted him to, and take off when you didn't. BUFFY: Look who's talking. Look who has Anya following him around like a lovesick puppy. XANDER: Oh boy, is this not about me. BUFFY: Is she more than a convenience? 'Cause that would kinda be a surprise. XANDER: (angrily) If you don't wanna hear what I have to say, I'll shut up right now. BUFFY: Good, 'cause I don't. She starts to walk off. Xander intercepts her. XANDER: I lied. See, what I think, you got burned with Angel, then Riley shows up. BUFFY: I know the story, Xander. XANDER: But you miss the point. You shut down, Buffy. And you've been treating Riley like the rebound guy. When he's the one that comes along once in a lifetime. (Buffy looks dismayed) He's never held back with you. He's risked everything. And you're about to let him fly because you don't like ultimatums? Buffy's eyes begin to water as Xander's words finally get through. XANDER: If he's not the guy, if what he needs from you just isn't there, (shakes head) let him go. Break his heart, and make it a clean break. But if you really think you can love this guy ... I'm talking scary, messy, no-emotions-barred need ... if you're ready for that ... then think about what you're about to lose. Buffy looks up at him, then looks around anxiously. There are tears in her eyes. BUFFY: Xander... XANDER: Run. She turns and runs out. Xander watches as the door slams behind her. Cut to: Buffy running as hard as she can, down the main street of Sunnydale, her expression still anxious. Shot of Riley standing next to a helicopter, looking around. Buffy runs along in the street, turns a corner and enters a more residential neighborhood. Riley continues to look around, checks his watch. Behind him the helicopter blades begin to turn slowly. Buffy runs down quiet streets. Riley looks at the ground, looking very disappointed. The helicopter blades move faster and faster. Buffy runs through a foresty area and down some wooden stairs. Riley stares at the two trees between which he wants Buffy to appear. She doesn't. He turns and gets into the helicopter next to Graham. Buffy runs through the forest and comes out on the helipad. The helicopter is already off the ground and rising fast. BUFFY: Riley! Riley! Shot of Riley inside the helicopter, staring grimly out the front window. Behind him we can see out the helicopter door and we see Buffy on the ground yelling up at him. BUFFY: Riley! Riley! He doesn't hear her and continues to stare out the front. Buffy watches as the helicopter rises and flies away. Cut to: Buffy walking slowly down the residential streets. XANDER VOICEOVER: I've gotta say something... Cut to: Anya's apartment. Anya is in her nightgown, sitting on the bed. XANDER: 'Cause ... I don't think I've made it clear. Anya stands up. Xander walks toward her. XANDER: I'm in love with you. He walks closer toward her, and she toward him. XANDER: Powerfully, painfully in love. The things you do ... the way you think ... the way you move ... I get excited every time I'm about to see you. They are up close now, looking at each other. Anya smiles slightly, looking a little teary. XANDER: You make me feel like I've never felt before in my life. Like a man. (Pause. He shrugs uneasily) I just thought you might wanna know. Anya moves up to him and they kiss. Cut to Buffy entering the dark Summers house. She walks partway up the stairs and then sits down, looking sad. Her image fades into the image of Riley sitting in the helicopter with the dark town of Sunnydale laid out below him. Blackout. In Memory of D.C. Gustafson. Executive Producer: Joss Whedon.	Plan: A: Buffy; Q: Who confronts Riley about his vampire behavior? A: Riley; Q: Who is the vampire who has been going to a brothel to have his blood sucked for pleasure? A: the military; Q: Where does Riley say he's going if Buffy doesn't give him a reason to stay? Summary: Buffy learns Riley has been going to a vampire brothel to have his blood sucked for pleasure. She confronts him, and he says he's going away with the military if she doesn't give him a reason to stay. She wants him to stay, but doesn't tell him in time.
Applejack: Boy, howdy. I got my work cut out for me. That there's the biggest bumper crop o'apples I ever laid eyes on. Big Macintosh: Ee-yup. Too big for you t'handle on yer own. Applejack: Come on, big brother! You need to rest up and get yourself better. I haven't met an apple orchard yet that I can't handle. (jabs Big Mac) Oops! Sorry... I'll take a bite outta this job by day's end. Big Mac: Biting off more than you can chew is just what I'm afraid of. Are you sayin' my mouth is makin' promises my legs can't keep? Yup. Why, of all the- This is your sister Applejack, remember?! (raising voice) The loyalest of friends and the most dependable of ponies? But still only ONE pony. And ONE pony plus HUNDREDS o'apple trees just doesn't add up. Don't you use yer fancy "mathematics" to muddy the issue! I said I can handle this harvest and I'm gonna prove it to you. I'm gonna get every last apple out of those trees this applebuck season all by myself. (gulps) (theme song begins) My Little Pony, My Little Pony, ah, ah, ah, ah, (My Little Pony) Twilight: I used to wonder what friendship could be (My Little Pony) Until you all shared its magic with me Rainbow Dash: Big adventure Pinkie Pie: Tons of fun Rarity: A beautiful heart Applejack: Faithful and strong Fluttershy: Sharing kindness Twilight: It's an easy feat All: And magic makes it all complete, yeah (My Little Pony) Do you know you're all my very best friends Well, I better get kickin'. These apples aren't gonna shake themselves outta the trees. (low rumbling, apple thuds) Hey! (ground rumbling) Oh no! STAMPEEEEEEDE! (cows mooing, ground being trampled) (ponies panicking, doors slamming shut) Pinkie Pie: (laughing, voice trembling with ground) He-e-ey! Thi-i-is ma-a-akes my-y-y-y voi-i-ice so-o-ound silly-y-y! Pinkie Pie! Are you crazy?! Run! Everypony calm down. There is no reason to panic! Rarity: But mayor! Whatever shall we do?! Rainbow Dash: Look there! (ground shaking underfoot) Applejack: YEE-HAW! (cheering) (Winona barking) (Rarity moans) Pinkie Pie: This is the best rodeo show I've ever seen! Come on, little doggie! Herd! Applejack: (whistles) Winona, put'em up. (Winona barks) Applejack: Ha HA! That's it! (rope twirling, Applejack grunting) (Winona barks) Applejack: (grunts) Attagirl. Yeehaw! (cheering) Applejack: Whoooooa! Hoo-wee! Now, what was THAT all about? (moos, clears throat) Oh, my! Begging your pardon, Applejack, but Mooriella here saw one of those nasty snakes. (cows gasp) And it just gave us ALL the willies, don'tcha know! I completely understand. Just next time, try and steer clear o'Ponyville. We certainly will, Applejack. So long, Winona! (Winona barks) (ponies cheer, Winona barks) Applejack: Yee-haw! Pinkie Pie: Yee-haw! Ride'em, cowpony! Mayor: Applejack was just...just... Pinkie Pie: Apple-TASTIC! Exactly! We must do something to thank Applejack for single-hoofedly saving the town. Pinkie Pie: I know! A PARTY! Twilight: We all ready? Just one last thing. Rarity: NOW we're ready. Is Applejack all set? Rainbow Dash: Actually, I haven't seen her all week. Pinkie Pie: Not since the stampede. Rainbow Dash: But she'll be here for sure. Applejack is NEVER late! (ponies chattering) (notecards slapping desk) Twilight: Welcome, everypony! Today we are here to honor a pony we can always count on to help in matters great and small. A pony whose contributions to- (crash) Rainbow Dash: Did you see Applejack's swift moves out there?! What an ATHLETE! This week, she's gonna help me with my new flying trick, and I know it's gonna be (squealing) so awesome! Twilight: EXACTLY. And- Pinkie Pie: This week, I get to run Sugar Cube Corner for the first time! Twilight: What does that have to do with Applejack? OH! Applejack, one of the best bakers EVER, is gonna help me! Applejack makes everything great, so FREE SAMPLES FOR EVERYPONY! (ponies cheer) Twilight: Hokay, that's great. Twilight: Now, if I could just make a point without being inter- Fluttershy: Twilight? Twilight: -rupted... Fluttershy: Twilight, I'm so sorry, but I just wanted to mention that Applejack is also helping me this week with the official bunny census, where we count up all the new baby bunnies that were born this season. She's gonna help gather them using her wonderful herding skills. Twilight: (dryly) Anyone else? Anyone? Twilight: No? Well, then. As I was trying to say- (frustrated grunt) Never mind. (clears throat) And so, with no further ado, it is my privilege to give the prized Pony of Ponyville Award to our beloved guest of honor, a pony of the utmost trustworthiness, reliability, and integrity, Ponyville's most capable and dependable friend, Applejack! (ponies cheering, stop) Spike: Cool, way to go, Applejack! That was awesome! I mean- heh... (clears throat nervously) Spike: (singsong) Awkward. Applejack: (groggily) I'm here! I'm here... (yawns deeply) Sorry I'm late-whoa! (trips, thuds) Was I just- Did I get your tail? Miss Mayor, thank you kindly for this here...award...thingy... (yawns) It's so bright and shiny and...heh...heheh... I sure do look funny, heh... Applejack and Pinkie Pie: Woooowooooowoooo! Twilight: Oookay. Well, thank you, Applejack, for saving us from that scary stampede, and always being there for everypony. (yawns) Yeah...I like helpin' the ponyfolk and... (yawns) and stuff... (snores) Oh! Uh...yeah, thanks! (trophy drags on ground loudly) Twilight: Was it just me, or did Applejack seem a little- Rainbow Dash: Tired? Fluttershy: Dizzy? Rarity: Messy? (haughty) Well, did you SEE her mane?! Pinkie Pie: She seemed fine to me. WOO! WOO! (Twilight "hmm's") (Applejack grunts, kicks tree, apples thud into baskets) (Applejack grunts and kicks tree then sighs) (sighs sleepily, shakes self awake) (Applejack kicks, yelps) (Applejack kicks basket, apples roll out) Twilight: What on earth is that pony doing?! Applejack: Whoops... Twilight: Hey, Applejack! (Applejack snores) Twilight: Applejack! (Applejack snores) Twilight: Applejack! (Applejack snores) (Applejack snores) Twilight: APPLEJACK! Applejack: Oh! (shakes self awake) Applejack: H-howdy, Twilight! Twilight: What IS all this?! Applejack: I-it's applebuck season! Applejack: (kicks tree, apples thud into baskets) Wh-whoa! Twilight: Applewhat season? Applejack: (frustrated grunt) It's what the Apple Family calls harvesting time. We gather all the apples from the trees so we can sell 'em. Twilight: But...why are you doing it all alone? Applejack: 'Cause Big Macintosh hurt himself. Twilight: What about all those relatives I met when I first came to Ponyville? Can't they help? Applejack: (sighs) They were just here for the Apple Family Reunion. They actually live all over Equestria and are busy harvestin' their own orchards. So, uh, I'm on my own. (poof) Which means I should really get back to work. Applejack: (clears throat ostentatiously) Hint-hint? Applejack: Get back to work? Twilight: Fine. Applejack: (woozy) Uh, could you step aside, Twilight? Twilight: I just did... (echoing) Applejack, you don't look so good... Applejack: (shakes self awake) Don't any a'you three worry none, I'm just fine and dandy. Applejack: (kicks tree) Wh-whoa... Twilight: Do you...want some help? Applejack: Help?! No way, no how. Twilight: But there's no way you can do it all on your own! Applejack: Is that a CHALLENGE? Twilight: Um...no? Applejack: Well, I'm gonna PROVE t'you that I can do it! Now, if you'll EX-KYUUSE me, I've got apples t'buck. (Rainbow Dash tapping hoof on fencepost) Rainbow Dash: THERE you are! Applejack: (yawns) I'm a-mite sorry, Rainbow... I was busy applebuckin' and I guess I- I closed my eyes for a second, and when I woke up, I was late. Now, what's this new trick a'yours? Rainbow Dash: See this contraption? Applejack: Uh, yeah... Rainbow Dash: Well, I'm gonna stand on one end, Rainbow Dash: Well, I'm gonna stand on one end, then you're gonna jump down from that platform, launching me into the air faster than I can take off on my own. Once I'm in the air, I'm gonna do some AMAZING flips and spins that are sure to impress the Wonderbolts. Isn't that a mite dangerous? Heh, not for a pony who can fly. Well, all righty, then! (wind whistling) Applejack: (woozy) Oh my... Ready?! One...two... THREE! (Applejack slams into ground, grunts) Uh, maybe I wasn't clear. You're supposed to land ON the other end. Applejack: (face pops off ground, dazed) Got it... (thud, grunt, thud, grunt, thud, grunt) Rainbow Dash: Applejack, what the hay is goin' on?! I mean, I THOUGHT I was working with Ponyville's best athlete! (shakes self awake, talking loudly) You ARE! I'm okay... Really...I-I have an idea. Watch this. (groans, launcher creaks) Ta-da. Applejack: Oh...maybe not... Okay, one more try. I'm sure to get it this time. (thud, Rainbow Dash grunts) (groans) Applejack: Heh heh...he-here I go! Rainbow Dash: WAIT! (into distance) APPLEJAAaaaaack... Applejack: (shouting) You're welcome! (approaching jet, Rainbow Dash screaming, crash) Can I help you? I think somepony else needs your help... Twilight: (flatly) Applejack? Rainbow Dash: Yep. Applejack: (thunk) OW! (tuning fork wobbling) Twilight: Applejack, can we talk? (bubbles popping) Twilight: (echoing) Applejack, can we talk? Applejack: CAN BEES SQUAWK?! I-I DON'T THINK SO... Twilight: No. Can we talk? TWENTY STALKS?! BEAN OR CELERY? (louder) No! I need to talk to you! YOU NEED TO WALK TO THE ZOO?! WELL, WHO'S STOPPIN' YOU? (louder) I NEED to TALK to you! OH! WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?! WHATCHA WANNA TALK ABOUT? (loudly) Rainbow Dash dropped in to see me today! THAT'S QUITE NEIGHBORLY OF HER. (shouting) YES, EXCEPT THAT SHE CRASHED ONTO MY BALCONY AFTER YOU LAUNCHED HER INTO THE AIR. (normal volume) Oh, yeah...I wasn't feelin' quite myself this mornin'... Because you're working too hard, and you need HELP! What? Kelp?! I don't need kelp. I don't even like seaweed! (shouting) HELP! YOU NEED HELP! Nothin' doin', Twilight. I'm gonna prove t'you...t'everypony...that I can do this ON MY OWN. (thwap, Applejack yelps) Ugh...now if you'll EXCUSE me, I've gotta go help Pinkie Pie... (sighs) Mrs. Cake: Now, Pinkie Pie, are you SURE you're up to baking the muffins and running the store this afternoon? Yessirree bob, Mrs. Cake! Plus, I have Ponyville's prized pony to help me out. Why, she's the best baker EVER! Right, Applejack? (Applejack shakes self awake) (Pinkie's words echo incoherently) (shakes self awake) Mr. Cake: No? You're not the best baker ever? What?! Oh no! I mean, don't you fret. I can bake anything from fritters to pies in the blink of an eye. Mrs. Cake: Ohoho! Well, all right! Well, see you later, girls! (shakes self awake) Pinkie Pie: Stop with the shakin', it's time to get bakin'! All righty! I'll get the sugar and the eggs. Can you get me some chocolate chips? E-eh, uh...wh-what was that? (slowed down, distorted) Chocolate chips! "Chips"...got it. Tater chips... All salty'n'dry...okie-dokie. Applejack: (empties chips into bowl) What next? (slowed down, distorted) Baking soda! "Soda"... Perfect! That'll get the tater chips nice'n'wet. Applejack: (pours soda, shouts) NOW WHAT? Pinkie Pie: (normally) A cup of flour. A cup of sour?! Well, lemons are sure sour. Applejack: One cup o'sour comin' up. Anything else, Pinkie? Pinkie Pie: One last thing. Wheat germ. (grimaces) Wheat worms?! Oh! That must be fancy talk for earthworms! Pinkie Pie: Now THAT'S gonna be DELICIOUS! Applejack: If you say so... Pinkie Pie: FREE MUFFIN SAMPLE SPECTACULAR! (ponies talk over each other) Yeah! Muffin spectacles! Get'm while they're hot! Twilight: We came as soon as we heard! [SCENE_BREAK] (sickly moans) Nurse: Oh, thank you, Twilight. We need all the help we can get! Oh no! What happened?! Nurse: It was a mishap with some of the baked goods. Pinkie Pie: (weakly) No...not baked goods. Baked BADS... (gurgles) Applejack. Spike: (chewing noisily) Mm! Want one? Applejack: (kicks tree, snores, apple thuds) Wha?! Huh?! (cart rolling, Applejack yawning) (Applejack moans with exhaustion, apples roll out) (Applejack snoring loudly) Twilight: Applejack, we need to talk. Whoa?! Huh?! Oh, it's you, Twilight... (yawning) I know what you're gonna say, but the answer is still no. Not to upset your applecart, but you need help! Applejack: (sarcastic) Hardy-har. (strains) No, I don't. Twilight: Here. Let me help. Applejack: Help?! Nooo thanks. (straining) A little more... (cart creaking) Little... (straining, cart creaking, crash) ...There... (panting) I'll prove that THIS apple can handle THESE apples! (kicking tree repeatedly) Come on...apples...fall off! Twilight: AJ? I think you're beating a dead...tree. I-I knew that... Twilight: Actually, Applejack, I had something else to talk to you about. I just came back from Ponyville Urgent Care, and- Applejack: Y'know, I'm a LITTLE busy to get lectured right now, Twilight... Twilight: But if you'd just let me help- Applejack: UGH! No...no...NO! How many times do I gotta say it?! I don't need NO help from NOpony! Twilight: Uuugh. That pony is stubborn as a mule. (mule neighs) Twilight: No offense. Mule: None taken. Fluttershy: Oh, Applejack. Thank you so much for offering your herding skills for the annual rabbit round-up. Applejack: (annoyed) Ugh. Why are we doin' this? Well, lots of new baby bunnies have been born, so it's my job to get a count of all the new families. Applejack: (impatiently) Fine. Can we just get on with it?! Certainly. But remember, these are bunnies we're dealing with, not cows. They're a timid bunch and need to be treated gently. I do NOT need any direction on corralin' critters! Right, WInona?! (Winona barks) Fluttershy: Okay, little bunnies. (gently) I need you to all gather here in the middle. Applejack: (intimidating) That's right! Let's go, bunnies! In the center! Hop to it! ...Swell. Just swell. Put 'em up, Winona! (Winona barking) Fluttershy: Applejack! Winona! Stop! You're scaring them! Applejack: We know what we're doin'! Git along, little bunnies! (Winona barks) (Winona growls) Fluttershy: Oh no... (bunnies scream) (ground rumbling) STAMPEEEEEDE! (ponies panic, doors slam shut) (rumble grows more intense) (faints) (Twilight humming tunelessly) (gasps) The horror, THE HORROR! It was AWFUL! A DISASTER! A horrible, horrible DISASTER! Twilight: I don't get it. Our gardens! Destroyed! Every last flower, devoured! By...by... (shrieks) THEM! Fluttershy: (frantic) Oh...oh my! Please stop, little bunnies. Nono! Please! Let's go home! (panting) Oh my goodness... All right. Enough is enough. Applejack: (wearily) Must...keep...buckin'... (kicking tree repeatedly) Just...a few...more...must...finish...harvestin'... Twilight: All right, Applejack. Your applebucking hasn't just caused YOU problems, it's over-propelled a pegasus, practically poisoned plenty of ponies, and terrorized bushels of brand new bouncing baby bunnies. I don't care WHAT you say, YOU. NEED. HELP. Applejack: (grunts, kicks tree, apples land in baskets) Heh! No I don't! Look! I did it! I harvested the entire Sweet Apple Acres without yer help. (chuckles) How'dya like THEM apples?! Big Mac: Um...How do YOU like THEM apples? Applejack: (trembling) A-a-apples... (incoherent rambling, faints) Twilight: (faint) Applejack? (normal) Applejack! Applejack: Huh...? Oh good. You're okay. Now Applejack, I completely respect the Apple family ways. You're always there to help anypony in need, so maybe you can put a little of your stubborn pride aside and allow your friends to help you? (resigned) Okay, Twilight. I am not taking "no" for an answer- (doubletakes) What?! Yes, Twilight. (pleading) Yes, please... I could really use your help... (Twilight giggles, sighs with relief) Twilight: (voice-over) "Dear Princess Celestia, My friend Applejack is the best friend a pony could ever have, and she's always there to help anypony. The only trouble is, when she needs help, she finds it hard to accept it. So, while friendship is about giving of ourselves to friends, it's also about accepting what our friends have to offer. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle." How 'bout y'all take a little break? Applejack: I got some fiiine apple juice waitin' for ya. (sighs) Girls, I can't thank you enough for this help. I was actin' a...bit stubborn. A bit?! Okay, a MITE stubborn. And I'm awful sorry. Now, I know the town gave me the Prized Pony Award, but the real award is havin' you five as my friends. (slurping) Phew! That applebucking sure made me hungry! Spike: And I've got the perfect treat! Pinkie Pie: Eeewww! Spike, I threw those away! Where'd you get them?! From the trash. (ponies all revulse) Spike: Just a liiittle nibble? Spike: Come on! (ponies moan in disgust) (ending theme begins) My Little Pony My Little Pony (instrumental) My Little Pony, friends	Plan: A: Apple harvesting season; Q: What season is upon Sweet Apple Acres? A: Sweet Apple Acres; Q: Where is Applejack's brother Big McIntosh injured? A: bucking apples; Q: What task does Applejack insist she can do by herself? A: their trees; Q: Where does Applejack have to buck apples from? A: Applejack; Q: Who insists she can do it herself? A: the work; Q: What does Applejack become weary of? A: promises; Q: What does Applejack uphold despite her tiredness? A: town; Q: What does Applejack promise to help with other tasks around? A: her sleep-deprived daze; Q: What causes Applejack's assistance to go awry? A: havoc; Q: What does Applejack's assistance wreak on Ponyville? A: Ponyville; Q: What town does Applejack wreck in her sleep-deprived daze? A: Twilight intervenes; Q: Who convinces Applejack to let her friends help her? Summary: Apple harvesting season is upon Sweet Apple Acres, but with her brother Big McIntosh injured, the task of bucking apples from their trees falls upon Applejack herself. Applejack insists she can do it herself, and refuses to let her friends help her. She quickly becomes weary from the work, but still upholds promises to help with other tasks around town. In her sleep-deprived daze, her assistance goes awry and wreaks havoc on Ponyville. Twilight intervenes and insists Applejack let her friends help, but it is not until after Applejack collapses that she finally relents, and the task of harvesting is quickly completed.
[EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) -- NIGHT] (Camera moves fast and low to the ground. Flash to white.) [EXT. RESIDENTIAL AREA (STOCK) - NIGHT] (Camera moves swiftly past residential homes. Past a home with a rickety wooden fence. The number painted on the sidewalk indicates that it's property lot #302. The camera turns into the driveway of this home, moving low to the ground. Flash to white.) (The camera moves along the path past the lawn and the trash can. The camera moves along the sidewalk, still, low to the ground. It passes by an old car tire and turns up the porch stairs. The camera climbs up the porch stairs and heads straight into the house through the kitty door.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MRS. RUTH ELLIOT'S HOUSE -- NIGHT] (Camera cuts into the house where we see a cat burst in through the kitty door. All during the intro, we were traveling through the eyes of the cat. The cat runs into the house and down the hallway.) (The house is dark and unkempt. There are more cats. in the house. The cat we've been following heads to the living room where there are other cats also gathered. Cats meowing. They're gathered at the center of the living room. Growling. Hissing. Feeding.) (The camera moves up along and we see that the cats are feeding on a dead body.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MRS. RUTH ELLIOT'S HOUSE - NIGHT] (Close up on the back of SGT. O'RILEY'S neck. The camera follows behind him as he makes his way toward GRISSOM and CATHERINE, both carrying their CSI kits. Indistinct radio transmissions can be heard in the background.) Sgt. O'Riley: Welcome to the wild kingdom. Vic's Ruth Elliot, 80 years old. Had at least 20 roommates, all of them feline. Animal control's rounding them up now. Catherine: Who alerted homicide? Sgt. O'Riley: Mail was piling up. Mailman looked in the window and called 9-1-1. (SGT. O'RILEY turns around and heads back into the house. He calls behind him ... ) Sgt. O'Riley: Take a deep breath before you go inside. (GRISSOM and CATHERINE follow. As they walk up the pathway, several animal control personnel carry cages with cats in them.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MRS. RUTH ELLIOT'S HOUSE - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (CATHERINE and GRISSOM enter the house. CATHERINE'S reaction is instantaneous.) Catherine: Oh, god! Ugh! I didn't think anything could mask the smell of a decomp. Grissom: Male cat urine ... to us, smelly. To a female cat, it must be like aftershave. Catherine: Me-ow. (DAVID PHILLIPS walks up to them to give them his report.) Grissom: David. Catherine: You don't look so good. David Phillips: Allergic to cats. Catherine: Oh, bummer. (DAVID PHILLIPS blows his nose.) David Phillips: Rigor mortis has passed. Lividity is fixed. Extensive marbling on her limbs. She's been dead three or four days and I need a Benadryl. Excuse me. (DAVID PHILLIPS walks out of the house past CATHERINE and GRISSOM.) (GRISSOM hands the camera he was carrying to CATHERINE and turns on his flashlight. They approach the body.) Grissom: Whoa. Catherine: She could have died of natural causes. Three or four days, pets could have been looking for their next meal. Grissom: Sure. Meat is meat. (Behind them, a cat meows and hisses. They turn around to see Animal Control catch a white cat.) Catherine: Or maybe they turned on her. (They both crouch low to get a better look at the body. There are bloody injuries to the body's head and left side, the major feeding sites. Then GRISSOM sees it.) Grissom: Whoa. Look at this. Flowing wound. (Quick CGI POV from inside the wound as GRISSOM pulls it open with his fingers. The camera is inside the wound and pulls back to show us GRISSOM looking down through the wound. End of CGI POV. Resume on GRISSOM.) Grissom: That's a deep wound track. This woman was stabbed. I guess the cats are off the hook. FADE TO BLACK. END OF TEASER. ROLL TITLE CREDITS. [Captioning sponsored by CBS CBS Productions and Volkswagen.] [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT./INT. MRS. RUTH ELLIOT'S HOUSE - NIGHT] (CATHERINE finds a single footprint on the hardwood floor. She dusts it and takes a print of it. GRISSOM enters the room.) Catherine: Floor's covered with trash. Lots of partials. Mostly from animal control boots. But ... I got something here. Grissom: Distinctive heel and toe. What, a high heel? Catherine: Well ... an old lady wears flats or slippers. I can't imagine that this vic entertained. Grissom: You got to be careful with isolation. It can escalate. Before you know it, you're the crazy cat lady living in the rundown house. People stop coming by to visit. You go outside, your neighbors run across the street to get away from you. Eventually, you stop going out altogether. (WARRICK enters.) Warrick: Whoo, man! It reeks in here. Who lives like this? Catherine: Cat lover. Warrick: You think? So, what do we know? Grissom: Well, there's no signs of forced entry anywhere. Warrick: Well, I can see why somebody would want to rob this place. I'll start in the bedroom. (GRISSOM nods.) [SCENE_BREAK] (WARRICK turns the corner and slowly makes his way to the bedroom. He pushes the door open and looks in on the messy bathroom. He turns and notices the bedroom closet. The large wall safe in the closet bears a large black scorch mark. He opens the safe door. It's empty.) (Cut to WARRICK dusting the door for prints. He finds a set.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MRS. RUTH ELLIOT'S HOUSE - KITCHEN -- NIGHT] (GRISSOM holds out a large kitchen knife for CATHERINE to test. She swabs both sides of the knife.) Catherine: No reaction. Knives are clean. Grissom: Well, killer could have brought his own ... took it with him when he left. (WARRICK enters the kitchen holding the prints he lifted from the bedroom safe.) Warrick: We might want to reconsider "burglary gone bad." I found a busted safe in the bedroom. Empty. I lifted prints. Willows: A high-heeled thief who knew exactly what to look for and killed the only obstacle in their path. (Camera holds on GRISSOM.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT./INT. GARAGE -- NIGHT] (NICK and SARA make their way to the garage. They meet up with BRASS who fills them in.) Brass: Welcome to a 4-45. Sara: Explosives. It's been a while. Nick: Fatalities? Brass: Just this $50,000 Beemer. Marcie Tobin. Her car. And Marcus Remmick, mechanic, an eyewitness. So, divide and conquer? Nick: Yeah, I'll take the rig. Brass: I'll take the grease monkey. Sara: I guess I got the driver. (SARA makes her way to MARCIE TOBIN who is already speaking with a police officer.) Marcie Tobin: (to the officer) How does that make any sense? I mean, why would somebody put a bomb in my car? Sara: Ms. Tobin? Hi. I'm with the Crime Lab. Mind if I ask you a few questions? Marcie Tobin: Have you reached my husband? Officer: I'll check on it, ma'am. Sara: Thanks. Can you tell me what happened? Marcie Tobin: I was on my way to my father's office. (FLASHBACK of MARCIE TOBIN driving her car along the street.) Marcie Tobin: (V.O.) On Thursdays we have dinner and then I help him with his payroll. (Flash to white as MARCIE TOBIN drives, her car begins clanging. Flash to white as MARCIE TOBIN pulls into a garage. She gets out of the car and approaches MARCUS REMMICK, the mechanic.) Marcie Tobin: Excuse me? Marcus Remmick: We're closed. Marcie Tobin: My car is making a really strange noise. Marcus Remmick: Take it to the dealership in the morning. (End of MARCIE TOBIN'S Flashback. Resume to MARCUS REMMICK talking with BRASS.) Marcus Remmick: Lady's driving a brand-new Beemer. First service is 15,000 miles. Things don't go wrong. Brass: Yeah. But you checked it out anyway, huh? Marcus Remmick: You know how women get. (Flashback to MARCUS REMMICK and MARCIE TOBIN at the garage.) Marcus Remmick: Go ahead, pop the hood. (Flash to white as the hood is up and MARCUS REMMICK checking the car out. MARCUS REMMICK sees the timer. He turns to MARCIE TOBIN.) Marcus Remmick: Back away. Marcie Tobin: Why? Marcus Remmick: Run, run! Marcie Tobin: Why? Marcus Remmick: Run! (Car explodes. End of flashback. Resume on MARCIE TOBIN.) Sara: Ms. Tobin, where did you last park your car? Marcie Tobin: In my house, in my garage. Sara: And who would have access? Marcie Tobin: Just me... and my husband. But Johnny had nothing to do with this. He's been at work all day. You can ask him as soon as he gets here. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE GARAGE - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (Still at the same crime scene, NICK is examining the damaged car ... back seat ... front seat. SARA approaches to lend a hand.) Sara: Anything probative? (NICK signals to her.) Nick: Check out this displacement. Detritus blew backwards. (Quick CGI POV Flashback of the car exploding from the perspective of the driver's front seat. The explosion blows outward disintegrating the driver's seat. End of CGI POV Flashback. Resume to present.) Nick: Right into the driver. Sara: Uh-huh. (NICK sighs. They both stand.) Nick: That's intentional. Sara: Bombs are personal. Nick: So ... assuming Mrs. Tobin was the intended target the bomber knew what he was doing. Sara: Yeah, a hired hit on a housewife. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY] (Camera top view down on MRS. RUTH ELLIOT'S sheet-covered body. ROBBINS, GRISSOM and CATHERINE stand near the table. Robbins: Glad I'm a dog person. Grissom: You know, house cats have only been domesticated for 4,000 years. They still have predatory instincts. Catherine: Only 4,000? Grissom: Yeah. Catherine: But a cat didn't kill her. Robbins: You're right. No vital reactions around the bite marks. Predation is all postmortem. Cause of death: cardiac trauma. She was stabbed lateral to the sternal border, just below the fifth intercostal space (Quick CGI POV that starts with a top view of the wound and goes straight down into the wound. Down, down, down into the flesh and past the bone and to the heart. Flash to white. End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) Robbins: ... Straight into the right ventricle. Muscle layers decrease with age. Fascia and tissue layers are easy to penetrate. Can't tell you much about the weapon but the wound track is slick. (Quick CGI POV that again starts with a top view of the wound and goes straight down into the wound. It stops mid-way and shows muscles slick with dripping clear-colored liquid. Flash to white. End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) Robbins: I swabbed the foreign substance sent it to Greg. Grissom: Anything else? Robbins: Well, vic's lungs were full of fluid. Probably not relevant to your investigation, but the lab cultured her blood. She had a severe staph infection. (A cell phone rings. GRISSOM answers it.) Grissom: Grissom. (pause) We'll be right there. (He closes his phone.) Grissom: Homicide has a witness. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TRENT'S HOME - PORCH -- DAY] (On the porch of home #223, SGT. O'RILEY, GRISSOM and CATHERINE question MRS. JANET TRENT'S two daughters.) Janet Trent: (prompting) Tell them what you told me. Come on, Jessica. What did you see? Jessica Trent: Oh, the lady over there the one that died, she was nice. She had cats. Lots of them. Jackie Trent: Yep. Catherine: My name's Catherine. What is your name again? Jessica Trent: Jessica Rachel Trent. I'm eight and a half. Catherine: Oh, eight and a half. So, I bet you're in the third grade? Jessica Trent: Yeah. My teacher's Mrs. Armstrong. She's really nice. Except I hate multiplication especially the eight's. Catherine: You know, I have a daughter. She hates the eight's, too. So, Jessica, can you tell me what you told your mom? Jackie Trent: I can. Jessica and I were playing handball against the garage door. We saw Mrs. Stein go into Mrs. Elliot's house and they were yelling. Jessica Trent: When Mrs. Stein came out she looked really angry. K-Kind of like when mommy's boyfriend is late for dinner. She hates that. Grissom: And, uh ... who is Mrs. Stein? Sgt. O'Riley: Mrs. Elliot's next-door neighbor. Ran a background check. The good neighbor filed three nuisance complaints against the victim. (In the house across the street, a woman stands in the window looking out at the crowd on the porch. She moves away when she sees them looking at her.) (JESSICA TRENT and JACKIE TRENT whisper in each other's ears.) Catherine: Hey, are you girls sharing secrets? Can you share it with me? Jessica Trent: All right. (JESSICA TRENT motions for CATHERINE to lean in close. She whispers something into her ear. CATHERINE smiles when done.) Catherine: (smiles) Thank you. Jessica Trent: No problem. Catherine: (to GRISSOM) I think that we're done here. Grissom: Okay. Thanks for your help. Janet Trent: Sure. (MRS. TRENT and her two daughters go back into the house. SGT. O'RILEY, GRISSOM and CATHERINE move off of the porch to discuss the case.) Sgt. O'Riley: I'll get a warrant for Mrs. Stein's shoes. See if we can place her at the crime scene. (O'RILEY walks away and out of screen presumably back to his car to get the warrant. GRISSOM and CATHERINE follow behind at a more leisurely pace.) Grissom: Don't you have a secret to share with me now? Catherine: Oh, uh, Mrs. Stein? She hates cats. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GARAGE -- DAY] (NICK and SARA work on the car. SARA picks up a package full of evidence or rather, parts of evidence and empties it all over the table. NICK helps spread it around as they go through it. NICK picks something up.) Nick: Another spring. Sara: Did you know there's a dozen moving parts inside a ticking clock? Nick: I do now. (NICK finds something else.) Nick: Hmm ... hello, sweetheart. Sara: End cap? Nick: Pipe bomb. (He examines it under a hand-held magnifying light.) Nick: End cap at both ends. Either one could have come in contact with the explosive inside the pipe. I'll swab it see if trace can identify it. (SARA also found something.) Sara: I will see your end cap and raise you a grommet. Nick: A grommet? Inside a pipe bomb? Sara: Not in the bomb, itself, but embedded in the end cap. The wires from the timing device enter the pipe through a hole in the grommet. (Flash to white. CGI-POV of a pipe bomb with end caps on both ends. There's the grommit in one of the end caps with a wire running through the hole, along the side, to the alarm clock attached to the side of the pipe. The clock has a nail where the 12 should be and when the clock alarm hits 12, an electrical pulse emits from the alarm clock, along the wire, in to the pipe through the grommit. The pipe bomb explodes. Flash to white. End of CGI-POV. Resume to NICK.) Sara: (V.O.) When the timing device is activated, it sets off an electrical charge that detonates the explosives inside the pipe. Nick: Yet the grommet's fully intact. How did it survive the blast? Sara: I don't know, but they always do. Nick: And just when I thought you knew everything. (SARA smiles, embarrassed. BRASS enters.) Brass: How's the puzzle? Nick: Hey. Pieces are small, but it's coming together. Brass: Well, I got a corner piece. The 4-1-1 on Marcie Tobin's husband? Junior foreman on Tobin C & D, Incorporated. The "C" stands for "Construction" the "D" is for "Demolition." [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TOBIN C & D -- DAY] (JONATHAN CLADDON is speaking with an employee when NICK and SARA enter the garage.) Jonathon Claddon: I got to do my job, you got to do your job. So, if this stuff isn't taken down there then we all lose. So, you just make sure that you are in touch with me ... (JONATHAN CLADDON sends the employee on his way and starts writing on his clip board when NICK gets his attention.) Nick: Jonathan Claddon? Jonathon Claddon: Yeah. Nick: I'm Nick Stokes. This is Sara Sidle. We're with the Vegas Crime Lab. We're here about your wife's car. Jonathon Claddon: Yeah, she told me you might stop by. Sara: Mr. Claddon are you a Demolitions expert? Jonathon Claddon: That's what we do. You must have seen our work on TV. We imploded most of the old strip hotels. Sara: Do you personally know how to make a bomb? Jonathon Claddon: It's not hard. Anybody here could show you how. Nick: So, I take that as a "yes"? Jonathon Claddon: If you're implying I had anything to do with all this ... I love my wife. Sara: Not enough, apparently, to be there for her last night. (BARCLAY TOBIN approaches the group.) Barclay Tobin: Johnny, Reynolds needs help loading the truck. Jonathon Claddon: (to BARCLAY TOBIN) These folks are from the crime lab. They're here about Marcie. Barclay Tobin: I'd like to talk to them. Alone. Jonathon Claddon: (to BARCLAY TOBIN) Sorry. (to NICK and SARA) Well, let me know if I can help. Nick: Will do. (JONATHAN CLADDON leaves.) Barclay Tobin: Oh. Barclay Tobin. This is my company. Any leads on my daughter's case? At this point, we're still asking questions. Sara: Can you tell us about your son-in-law? Barclay Tobin: Well, I got him his first and only job when he married Marcie. Nick: You, uh ... you don't think too much of him, huh? Barclay Tobin: Even less these days. Marcie says that he's cheating on her but I don't think he has the stones. (He sighs.) Barclay Tobin: But after last night ... Sara: Does Johnny have access to explosives? Barclay Tobin: All my foremen have access to dynamite. Sara: Mr. Tobin, do you fingerprint your employees? Barclay Tobin: Sure do. It's standard for the industry. Just let me know what you need. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAB -- DAY] (NICK enters the lab. GREG is looking through the microscope. He stands when he sees NICK.) Greg: Before you ask that swab of yours, from the end cap ... let's play "name that chemical compound." Today's category: "Explosives." 30 seconds on the clock. Nick: Get ... (Using a black marker, GREG starts to compose a compound on the glass board. We see GREG write the following (please note that it's incomplete) ...) H H - C - ONO - H - C - H Nick: (reading) C-3 ... H-5 ... and three molecules of NO-3... nitroglycerin. The explosive component of dynamite. Greg: Now, the other component for dynamite is either silica or sawdust. Your sample contains sawdust. Nick: Thanks, Greg. What'd I win? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - PRINT LAB] (SARA lifts the print off of the end cap and takes a photo of the print, then scans it into the computer.) (From the current database on screen, she runs a comparison: Tobin Construction Allen, P. Barrington, D. Claddon, J. Elwes, ... From the above list, SARA selects "CLADDON, J.") (The computer screen immediately brings up JOHN CLADDON'S prints from TOBIN CONSTRUCTION on the left side of the screen, and the extracted print from the end cap on the right - Ref#:_938-2038-4937.) (From the TOBIN CONSTRUCTION fingerprint card, she selects a L. Index finger to compare the mystery print from the end cap. The click and drags the end cap print to the Card print. It immediately finds its fit. It's a perfect match.) (SARA smiles. NICK enters the Print Lab.) Nick: Hey. Sara: Hey. Nick: Well, you look ... Sara: Happy? Nick: Smug, actually. Sara: I got a perfect print off the end cap. Husband. Nick: Nice. I got the type of explosive used in the pipe bomb. Dynamite -- nitro and sawdust. The same kind used at Tobin C & D. (They both smile and laugh.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERROGATION ROOM -- DAY] Jonathon Claddon: You found the end cap? That's not easy. Nick: Hey, if I were you I'd worry about my fingerprint. How'd it get there? Jonathon Claddon: My father-in-law's company is the largest purchaser of end caps in Nevada. I log inventory. Brass: Well, speaking of inventory, I checked the books. As you know, per the ATF every stick of dynamite is catalogued. You logged-out a case of 24. When the demolition project was postponed you returned the case ... one stick short. Jonathon Claddon: It was stolen. Look, I'm the one who reported the theft. I kept the dynamite in my SUV, inside a storage magazine. Nick: So, you're telling us someone broke into your vehicle and stole a single stick of dynamite? Jonathon Claddon: Yes. (JONATHAN CLADDON looks at NICK, SARA and BRASS.) Brass: Tell about your girlfriend. Jonathon Claddon: Is that what Mr. Tobin told you? Marcie's the best thing that ever happened to me. Plus, I've got an ulcer. Do you have any idea what an affair would do to me? I work my butt off for her old man. I barely have enough time to sleep let alone Romeo some other girl. And the truth is, nothing I ever do is good enough. Tobin wouldn't even let Marcie take my name. Brass: Cry me a river, Johnny. Jonathon Claddon: You're looking at the wrong guy. Brass: Then point us in the right direction. Jonathon Claddon: Marcie handles the payroll and she has a rep for shortchanging overtime. Talk about pissing people off. Any one of those guys could have put that bomb in her car. Sara: Why didn't you tell us this before? Jonathon Claddon: Because it's not her fault. She's just doing what her father tells her. (Camera holds on SARA as she glances over at NICK.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. DEBBIE STEIN'S HOUSE -- DAY] (Camera starts from MRS. ELLIOT'S front walkway and unkempt lawn and moves one house to the right to a cleaner, neater home. CATHERINE walks up the sidewalk carrying her CSI kit. She knocks on the door. It opens.) Catherine: Debbie Stein? Debbie Stein: Yes. Catherine: I'm here for your shoes. (CATHERINE holds out the warrant. DEBBIE STEIN takes it and reads it. She looks up at CATHERINE.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (Lined up on the table are DEBBIE STEIN'S shoes. Methodically, CATHERINE and WARRICK print the bottom of every left shoe trying to find a match to their print. WARRICK inks the bottom of the shoe, and CATHERINE puts the shoe to paper.) (The next shoe WARRICK inks, he notices the smell.) Warrick: Phew. Eau de cat. (He hands the shoe to CATHERINE. She prints it. She smiles.) Catherine: Eau de match. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERROGATION ROOM] Debbie Stein: She was a pig. Her house stunk. She didn't belong in the neighborhood. Grissom: So, I guess it's safe to say you weren't friends? Why were you in her house? Debbie Stein: I wanted to give her a chance to find homes for her cats before I called the Humane Society. To report her. By law, you can only own three. Catherine: Well, a witness heard you scream at her. Debbie Stein: She was irrational. I was angry. <FLASHBACK> Debbie Stein: This is disgusting. Nobody lives like this. You've got to get rid of them. Mrs. Ruth Elliot: These cats are my children, and no one's going to take them away from me. Debbie Stein: Then you clean up after them. I can smell your house from my kitchen. </FLASHBACK> Grissom: When, exactly, did you confront Mrs. Elliot? Debbie Stein: I don't know. Maybe ... six days ago. Before my trip to L.A. I went to visit my sister. Look, if you have any other questions, I want a lawyer. Catherine: You're free to go. (DEBBIE STEIN gets up and leaves the room.) Catherine: Well, she had an answer for everything. Grissom: You know, according to Mark Twain the most striking difference "between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has nine lives". Catherine: What are you saying? That she's lying? Grissom: Unless her alibi checks out. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (NICK makes a casting of the striations found on the end cap. He examines the casting under a magnifying light.) Nick: Bomber fastened the cap to the pipe leaving behind tool marks. Check it out. Sara: What kind of tool leaves evenly-spaced vertical striations? Nick: A vice grip. (Flash to white. Quick CGI-POV of a vice grip around an end cap. The vice grip releases and the markings are left behind. End of CGI POV. Resume to present.) Sara: A vice grip? Nick: Yeah. Let's get a warrant for Johnny Claddon's home and for Tobin C & D. (NICK puts the end cap casting in a plastic evidence baggie #1245689. They both exit the lab.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- CONTINUOUS] (NICK and SARA walk out of the lab. NICK, carrying the plastic evidence baggie and SARA taking off her latex gloves. They round the corner and encounter WARRICK walking toward them carrying a file.) Warrick: Hey, guys. (The camera focuses on WARRICK and follows him back up the hallway. He meets CATHERINE in the hallway. They both make their way back to the Print Lab.) Catherine: Hey! Warrick: Talked with O'Riley. The neighbor's alibi does check out. She was at her sister's in L.A. During the time of the murder. Catherine: Well, there goes our only suspect. Warrick: Not so fast. I got another one. We have a match on that print that we found on the wall safe. Catherine: Right! (WARRICK brings up the print and the identification on the bottom reads: ) TYLER ELLIOT Work Card Status: Non-Gaming Work History: Electrician 1997-1999 Work Location: Tangiers Age: 45 years Warrick: Yeah. He has a non-gaming work card. He's 45 years old. He was an electrician at the Tangiers from '97 to '99. His name is Tyler Elliot. Catherine: That's the same last name as the vic. Warrick: Victim's son. Only child. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERROGATION ROOM -- DAY] Tyler Elliot: I wasn't skipping town. Sgt. O'Riley: That why you had a duffel bag in the back seat? Tyler Elliot: I was going camping out at Red Rock. And suddenly, these cops pull me over. They take me into custody. My car's still up there. Grissom: Your mother died and you never claimed the body. How come? Tyler Elliot: Funerals are expensive. I'm broke. Sgt. O'Riley: Records show he filed for bankruptcy last month. Tyler Elliot: I figured ... let the county pick up the tab. No one was going to show up anyway. It's not like we were close. Sgt. O'Riley: So, how often did you see her? Tyler Elliot: Twice a month. Went over, made sure her bills got paid. Brought her medication. Stocked the fridge. All the stuff any good son is supposed to do. Catherine: Mr. Elliot, we found your mother's safe. It was busted open and your prints were all over it. (He scoffs.) Sgt. O'Riley: Something funny? Tyler Elliot: About a month ago, she called me up -- middle of the night -- hysterical. Her precious tabby was locked inside. She couldn't remember the combo. (He sees CATHERINE and GRISSOM'S doubtful looks. He elaborates.) Tyler Elliot: I didn't steal her money. She didn't have any. The only thing she owned was the house. And she left that to some damn cat sanctuary. Grissom: And so ... that's it? Tyler Elliot: I'm flat broke and she gives her house to complete strangers. Can, uh ... can somebody drive me back to my car, if we're done? [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TOBIN RESIDENCE -- DAY] (MARCIE TOBIN and JONATHAN CLADDON walk outside to meet with NICK and SARA.) Marcie Tobin: You know, since my car blew up everybody is in my business. All of a sudden, everybody has something to say. You know, an opinion, a theory. My life is an open book and my father wants me to hire a bodyguard. For what? To protect me From who? You know what I think? Someone put the bomb in the wrong car. I think they confused our house with somebody else's because stranger things have happened. Sara: Marcie? Marcie Tobin: Yeah. Sorry. Sara: Maybe we should talk alone. Marcie Tobin: Uh, we don't have any secrets. Sara: Okay. Listen - about your marriage -- your father said ... Marcie Tobin: ... oh, my god. My father shouldn't have said anything. Jonathon Claddon: Your father ran his mouth about our personal life? Marcie Tobin: Johnny, you know what? I, um ... a couple of weeks ago I thought that maybe Johnny was fooling around just because he was never home ... Jonathon Claddon: I was working. Marcie Tobin: And never interested ... Jonathon Claddon: Marcie, we talked about this. You know the pressure your father has me under. Marcie Tobin: I know. I know. Jonathon Claddon: It's not fair. Marcie Tobin: And you know what? You shouldn't put too much stock in this because every couple has their problems. Jonathon Claddon: Marcie and I have had enough. That's it. Now, you have your warrant, fine. But please no more questions. (JONATHAN CLADDON puts his arm around MARCIE TOBIN. Marcie sighs. With a hand to her head, she walks away.) Marcie Tobin: Just take what you need. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (NICK is in the lab working on getting samples on the vice grips. SARA walks in.) Sara: Hey. You got a head start. Nick: Yeah, didn't even have to wait for my warrant. I just rolled over to Tobin C & D and before I could say "vice grip" the senior foreman gave me every grip in the house. Nick: Bad news, though. No matches. Sara: Ah! One more vice grip compliments of the Tobin/Claddon household. (SARA gives the baggied vice grip to NICK who immediately takes a sample of the grip markings and makes a casting of it. He compares it to the end cap sample. No match.) Sara: Aw ... teeth aren't even the same size. Nick: No. And we're out of vice grips. Sara: We're out of luck. Nick: Let's unwrap the Beemer. (SARA smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- GARAGE] (NICK tears through the plastic wrap covering MARCIE TOBIN'S car.) Nick: You know, when I was 16, I begged my mom for a car. Swore she'd come through. Sara: What happened? Nick: Encyclopedia Britannica. (He chuckles at the thought.) Nick: All 24 volumes. Still own them, still use them. Okay. (NICK and SARA look at the decimated car engine.) (CGI POV as the car engine morphs back into its pre-explosion state as NICK speaks.) Nick: Mechanic found the bomb next to the engine mount closest point to the driver. Bomb was on a delay. Clock with a ticking second hand and a nail driven into "12." (Quick CGI POV camera close up of the alarm clock ticking.) Sara: That means the bomb was triggered 60 seconds before detonation, one rotation of the second hand. Nick: Question is, what started the clock? (NICK and SARA ponder the possibilities.) Sara: Something Marcie Tobin touched inside the car? (SARA moves to look into the front seat of the car.) (Quick CGI POV as the front driving panel and steering wheel morph back into pre-explosion order.) Sara: Ignition, door locks window, radio, A/C ... turning signals, hazard lights ... Nick: Yeah, but we're only dealing with a 60-second time frame. Sara: Okay, she pulls into the lot, she gets out of the car, and she asks for help. Nick: Mechanic offers to take a look. Sara: So, she pops the hood for him. Nick: Hood release. (NICK looks at SARA, then looks down at the hood release. The camera moves to close-in on the torn hood release.) Nick: Whoa. The latch has been blown apart. Which means the hood was down when the bomb was detonated. (Flash to white. Quick Flashback with camera focused on the hood release with the hood closed. The car explodes and the latch tears the hood release. Flash to white. End of flashback.) Sara: How is that possible? The mechanic saw the bomb. Nick: X-ray vision? (he laughs) Sara: Okay, maybe he took one look at it, and he slammed the hood. Nick: Sara, if you found a bomb in your car would you close the hood? Sara: No, I would back away fast. Um... maybe the hood dropped? Nick: No way. BMW has built-in hood shocks. Sara: Liar, liar, car on fire. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY -- DAY] (The camera moves down the hallway toward GREG'S Lab. The glass doors are closed. GREG'S sitting at his lab table with his back to the door.) (Loud music is blaring. GREG is swinging and swaying to the beat of the music.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GREG'S LAB - DAY - CONTINUOUS] (GRISSOM and CATHERINE enter GREG'S Lab. He's wearing a latex glove blown up on his head, a paper mask with lips and teeth on the front, and plastic glasses. He's playing air drums to the extremely loud pulsating music with a test tube grasped in each hand as drumsticks while wearing thick black rubber gloves.) MUSIC Lyrics: ... doesn't exist / I'm not a slave to a world that doesn't give a sh1t / (chorus) And when we were good / You just close your eyes / So when we were bad / We'll ... [Note: From Marilyn Manson, "The Fight Song"] (CATHERINE looks amused. GRISSOM looks ... "Grissom-ish". CATHERINE turns the tape off. The music stops.) (GREG stops. He takes the paper mask off of his mouth and smiles.) Greg: I could have been a rock star. Grissom: There's still time, Greg. Tell us about the foreign substance we found in the vic's wound track. (GREG removes the goggles and glove from his head.) Greg: Uh, well, I like to rub it all over a lady's body. Even better ... I, uh ... like it when she rubs it all over me. And it's also used as a stool softener. Catherine: It's also the only open lead in our case. Spit it out, Greg. Greg: Mineral oil. Grissom: Possibly used as a preservative to prevent rusting of high-carbon steel. Catherine: Like the blades of knives. Greg: Old knives. New ones are made from stainless steel. Yeah, I'm like a sponge. I just absorb information. Grissom: I thought that was my line. Greg: Yeah, and I absorbed it. Catherine: (clears her throat) Okay, so ... knives, screwdriver, ice pick, letter opener. We're looking for a weapon with a splash of mineral oil. I'll grab the A.L.S. Greg: An A.L.S. For mineral oil? Grissom: Mineral oil fluoresces at 525 nanometers when filtered through a kv590. A little more absorbing ... a little less rock and roll. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT./INT. MRS. RUTH ELLIOT'S HOUSE] (A dog can be heard barking outside the house.) (Cut to Inside the house. CATHERINE turns the power on and goes through the items on the counter top.) (Cut to GRISSOM using an ALS in the bedroom. Opening drawers.) (Cut to CATHERINE in the kitchen going through the drawers.) (Cut to GRISSOM looking at various items in the bedroom ... glasses ... and umbrella.) (Cut to CATHERINE going through the unwashed dishes in the sink.) (Cut to GRISSOM moving out of the bedroom and into the hallway.) (Cut to CATHERINE finishing in the kitchen. GRISSOM finishes up and hangs in the doorway, leaning on the doorjam.) Catherine: Now what? (From behind him, a cat trots by past his legs and out the kitty door. GRISSOM looks at the cat thoughtfully.) Catherine: I thought animal control rounded up all the cats. (CATHERINE takes off her goggles. GRISSOM walks toward the door after the cat and opens it.) Catherine: Where are you going? Grissom: Following the evidence. (He walks out of the kitchen to follow the cat.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. OUTSIDE TRENT HOUSE -- DAY] (JESSICA and JACKIE TRENT are playing jump rope when the cat from MRS. ELLIOT'S house crosses the street toward them. The cat meows.) Jessica Trent: Wait. (They stop jumping rope and turn their attention to the cat.) Jessica Trent: Rascal. Hi. How'd you get out? (JESSICA TRENT picks the cat up.) Catherine: Hi. Girls. Jessica Trent: Say Hi, Rascal. (The cat purrs in her arms.) Catherine: Hi, Rascal. (GRISSOM notices that the cat has an open wound.) Grissom: Excuse me, uh ... may I hold your cat? Jessica Trent: No. He doesn't like you. (From the house, MRS. TRENT opens the door and calls out to her daughters.) Janet Trent: Girls, dinner. Jackie Trent: Doesn't she see we're playing? Jessica Trent: Just ignore her. Janet Trent: Girls. I see you've met rascal. Grissom: Mrs. Trent, I noticed this cat has a sore on its leg. I'd be happy to swab it for you. Might need medical attention. Jessica Trent: No. Janet Trent: I don't think that that's really necessary. It's just a cut; it'll heal. Grissom: But I mean, for your daughter's sake, wouldn't you rather be safe than sorry? Jessica Trent: I think it's time to go inside. Janet Trent: Uh, Jessica ... I-I think he might have a point. Jessica Trent: I want her to do it. (GRISSOM hands CATHERINE the swab and CATHERINE gives him the goggles to hold. He tucks them in his shirt pocket.) Catherine: Okay. Rascal. (CATHERINE swabs the wound. The cat growls.) Catherine: All righty. Thank you. Janet Trent: Okay, girls, go wash up. Jessica Trent: Come on, Jackie, let's go. (The two girls head back to the house.) Janet Trent: Kids these days, they just don't listen. Catherine: Two against one. Janet Trent: Thank you. See you later. (MRS. TRENT heads back to the house.) Grissom: One thing about my mother even though she was deaf, she was always the boss. Catherine: Huh. Well ... single mom ... juggling a job, a boyfriend. It's just easier to say yes than no and then eventually, they just keep asking for permission. You want to tell me why I swabbed their cat? Grissom: That cat has an open sore and a missing patch of fur -- both indicative of possible staph infection. Catherine: And we know that our victim had a staph infection. Grissom: Staphylococcus bacteria can jump the species barrier -- be passed from human to animal. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MARCUS REMMICK'S GARAGE] Marcus Remmick: (o. s.) Guess I must have shut it, then. I wasn't thinking; I was reacting, you know? No harm, no foul. Nick: No prints. Marcus Remmick: Come again? Nick: Well, if you were pawing all over the hood then your prints should be on it. Sara: And they're not. Marcus Remmick: I wear gloves. Sara: You're not wearing them now. Marcus Remmick: I wear them most of the time. Sara: Mind if we take a look around the garage? Marcus Remmick: Knock yourselves out. (NICK and SARA look around the garage. They spot the vice grips on the table.) Nick: Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Sara: Mechanics use vice grips? (NICK picks up the vice grips from the tool chest and looks at it.) Nick: You got any clay? Sara: No. Nick: Well... we can't just take the tool without a warrant. (SARA looks down into the trash bin and picks up a sandwich thrown in there.) Sara: But ... we can improvise. Trash is trash. Nick: Cheese. Nice. (SARA hands the sandwich to NICK who works on making an imprint on the cheese.) Nick: I'll compare this with our case toolmark. (Behind him, MARCUS REMMICK reaches over the table to pick up a clipboard. He glances at what NICK is doing. He walks away.) Marcus Remmick: You guys having fun? Nick: A blast. Hey, man ... these yours? Marcus Remmick: Don't use vice grips -- pipe wrench has a better feel. Must belong to one of my mechanics. Sara: Thanks ... I'll take the prints on those. (SARA takes the cheese and walks over to her CSI kit.) Nick: Boy, you just have an answer for everything, don't you? Marcus Remmick: Yeah, I guess I do. (MARCUS REMMICK turns and walks away. Camera holds on NICK.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI -- LAB] (NICK takes the cheese out of the plastic baggie and puts it under the microscope for comparison with their existing cast of the end cap. The prints match perfectly. NICK looks up. He walks over to the next lab where SARA is at the computer.) Nick: Striae are identical. Auto body vice grip was definitely used to tighten the end cap. Mechanic's prints on file? Sara: Marcus Remmick. Arrested for fraud in 1994. He was selling used parts as new. Prints are in AFIS, but they don't match the vice grip. And, in fact, AFIS drew a blank. Nick: Hmmm. Then what are you running? Sara: I'm running a Tobin C&D database. Nick: Oh. Shot in the dark. (The computer beeps as it runs a print comparison from their existing print to the prints in the database.) (It finds a match.) Sara: Even a shot in the dark hits sometimes. (SARA smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERROGATION ROOM] Marcie Tobin: Why would I put a bomb in my car? Sara: Not only did you put a bomb in your car -- you made it yourself. Marcie Tobin: Why would I do that? Brass: The business registration shows that you own 25% of your father's company. So Nevada's a community property State-- you divorce Johnny he becomes a part-owner of Tobin Construction. That wouldn't sit too well with dad, would it? Sara: But if Johnny goes down for attempted murder, he goes to jail and you get to keep everything, because a criminal can't benefit from his own malfeasance. Marcie Tobin: This is absurd. (MARCIE TOBINS stands to leave. She stops at the door.) Brass: You know, for your information, um ... your mechanic friend lawyered up. Guys with records roll fast. Marcie Tobin: He's not my friend. Nick: Really? Because we found your prints on a tool at the body shop. It was the same tool we know was used to make the pipe bomb. Brass: (quietly) Sit down. (MARCIE TOBIN sits back down at the table.) Sara: You and Marcus tag-teamed us. You never popped the hood; he never shut it-- it was latched. Nick: Fortunately for you, you only worked Thursday nights, because your little plan took a lot of extra time and effort. (Quick flashback to MARCIE TOBIN taking the one stick of dynamite out of her husband's car. She's wearing thick, black gloves to do the deed. Flash to white as MARCIE TOBIN removes an end cap from the box on the shelf. Flash to white. MARCIE TOBIN and MARCUS REMMICK standing at the work table in the back of his garage. Flash to white. MARCIE TOBIN tightening the end cap to the bomb with the vice grips. Flash to white. The end cap on the pipe bomb. Flash to white. End flashback. Resume on MARCIE TOBIN.) Nick: (V.O.) You snagged a stick of dynamite out of Johnny's SUV, took an end cap out of inventory, knowing we'd trace it back to Johnny if we found it. And then at the body shop, you put it all together. Marcie Tobin: So what if I made a bomb? That's not a crime. Nick: Really? You sure about that? (MARCIE TOBIN swallows nervously.) (Quick Flashback to MARCUS REMMICK putting the finished pipe bomb in the engine. Flash to white as MARCUS REMMICK shuts the hood of the car. Flash to white as MARCUS REMMICK leans over the driver window. Marcus Remmick: Ready. (Flash to white as MARCIE TOBIN turns on the car's CD player (Track 12). She smiles.) Marcie Tobin: 60 seconds. (Quick CGI POV Close up as the electric charge starts with the CD player. Camera moves forward through the dash board and follows the electric pulse through the wires, through the engine, past the engine piece BMW 11.61-1729 / PA66+GF-3 ... ) ( ... all the way through to the alarm clock that sets it off. Cut to clock ticking down 12 - 11 - 10 ... Cut to MARCUS REMMICK and MARCIE TOBIN move to stand behind the wall. Cut to a close up of the alarm clock running down ... 7 - 6 - 5 - 4 - 3- 2- 1. Cut to MARCUS REMMICK and MARCIE TOBIN watching as the car explodes. Flash to white. End of flashback. Resume on MARCIE TOBIN.) Brass: You used to own a '92 volvo. I ran your credit card. You owe $20,000 in auto body repairs. Your dad kicked in $30,000. I ran his credit card, too. That's 50 g's for a leaky transmission. Nick: You needed Marcus' help to wire the bomb and substantiate your story. So the two of you paid him $50,000 for services rendered. Marcie Tobin: Look, I'm fine, and my husband is fine, and it was my car that exploded so does this ... really need to go any further? Brass: Ma'am, you and your father conspired to frame your husband for attempted murder. Nick: So, you're both looking at, what, uh ... twenty-plus. Sara: Oh, and Johnny's getting a promotion. [SCENE_BREAK] (Camera close up of a petrie dish with culture growing. Time camera on fast forward.) (GRISSOM opens the door and removes the petrie dish.) Grissom: Girl's cat ... positive for staphylococcus. Catherine: You know, I spoke with Janet Trent. She and her daughters are all healthy. Grissom: Could their cat have been infected by Mrs. Elliot? Could rascal have been her cat at one time? Catherine: What, and she ... gave it to the girls? Grissom: No. Catherine: So if it was hers, and she... didn't give it away ... Grissom: Maybe someone in the Trent house adopted it. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT./INT. TRENT HOME -- NIGHT] (JESSICA TRENT is holding Rascal. JACKIE TRENT stands nearby. Their front door is open and an officer stands next to it. A blue-ish colored light from the ALS glows inside.) (Cut to GRISSOM using an ALS to search for the murder weapon. Camera pans to the framed family photos on the table.) (Cut to CATHERINE using an ALS in the girls' bedroom. She searches the shelf and sees something. She puts the light down and picks up a pen. Camera close up notes that the part of the pen that contained water is chipped and the water is missing.) (CATHERINE opens her kit and tests for blood on the pen. The test is positive.) (Quick CGI-POV close up of the pink floaty pen piercing through MRS. RUTH ELLIOT. End of CGI-POV.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. POLICE DEPARTMENT - INTERROGATION ROOM] (CATHERINE holds up a plastic evidence bag with the pen.) Catherine: We know that Mrs. Elliot was killed by this pen. Can one of you tell me what happened? Child Advocate: Girls, do you understand what Ms. Willows is asking you? (The two sisters look at each other.) Jackie Trent: I'll tell. Jessica Trent: No. You promised. Catherine: Jessica, in this room, the only promise you make is to tell the truth. Jessica Trent: She didn't mean to do it. I'm sure she didn't. Catherine: Who? (JESSICA turns her head slightly toward the mirror.) Jessica Trent: Mommy. (Cut to inside the Observation Room where we see a reflection of JANET TRENT in the mirror. She looks absolutely shocked at what she's hearing. GRISSOM is there in the room standing next to her. CATHERINE looks up at them surprised at the girl's response.) Catherine: What did your mother do? Jessica Trent: Mrs. Elliot should have just given us the cat. <FLASHBACK> Janet Trent: He's always at our house. Rascal likes it there. Mrs. Ruth Elliot: I won't give them away. Janet Trent: Look, then I'll pay you for him. Mrs. Ruth Elliot: I'm sorry. Every child should have a cat but these are mine. Janet Trent: Just give me ... Mrs. Ruth Elliot: Oh! Janet Trent: Girls, take the cat and run. Go. Go. Mrs. Ruth Elliot: (crying) No! Please... no! </FLASHBACK> Jessica Trent: So then we ran, and that's when we heard the old lady scream. Catherine: Jackie? (JACKIE TRENT doesn't say anything. She doesn't even look at CATHERINE.) Catherine: Girls, do you ... know about fingerprints? When you ... touch something -- like this floaty pen, for instance -- you leave behind an invisible mark that's special, that's yours. I have a way to ... see these invisible marks. And we found these fingerprints on the pen. And they don't belong to an adult. (JACKIE and JESSICA look at each other. JESSICA shakes her head. JACKIE looks back at CATHERINE.) Jackie Trent: They're not mine. Jessica Trent: Tattletales burn in hell. (JESSICA turns to CATHERINE and sits back in her chair.) Jessica Trent: The old lady should have just given me the cat. I lied before. She wasn't nice. She was mean. <FLASHBACK> Jessica Trent: My mom said we can keep him. Please? Mrs. Ruth Elliot: These are my babies. I don't give them away. Jessica Trent: But you have so many. We don't have even one. Mrs. Ruth Elliot: I'm sorry. (MRS. RUTH ELLIOT smiles and holds out her hands for the cat JESSICA'S holding. JESSICA doesn't move. MRS. ELLIOT doesn't smile as she realizes that JESSICA'S not going to give her cat back. JESSICA hands the cat to JACKIE.) Jessica Trent: Run, Jackie! (JESSICA runs toward MRS. ELLIOT and knocks her over.) Mrs. Ruth Elliot: I'll tell your mother! Jessica Trent: You won't! (JESSICA uses her pen and stabs MRS. ELLIOT. She looks down at her hand holding the pen and covered with blood. She rubs the blood off her hands onto her shirt. She stands and runs.) </FLASHBACK> (CATHERINE sits back in her chair. The CHILD ADVOCATE stands and moves to the two girls where she starts speaking with them.) [SCENE_BREAK] [OBSERVATION ROOM NEXT DOOR] Grissom: Did you know? Janet Trent: (crying) I told the girls that they could have a cat if Mrs. Elliot gave them one. I knew she never would. That's why I made the promise. Jessica Trent: No, I need mommy. (crying) Mommy. I want my mommy! No! Jackie Trent: Jessica! Jessica Trent: Please ... mommy ... (JANET TRENT watches through the mirror.) Jessica Trent: (crying) Mommy ... (Camera holds on GRISSOM.)	Plan: A: Catherine; Q: Who is Grissom's partner in the investigation of the death of the woman? A: 80-year-old; Q: How old was the woman who was stabbed to death? A: cats; Q: What animal did the woman who was killed have in her house? A: Sara; Q: Who is Nick's partner in the investigation of the car bombing? Summary: Grissom and Catherine investigate the stabbing death of an 80-year-old woman who lived in a run-down house full of cats; Nick and Sara comb through the remains of a car bombing that was, apparently, a murder plot gone awry.
ACT ONE (Night. Two FREEGANS walk down a deserted alley to an open dumpster.) FREEGAN #1: So, I've been a freegan for about a year now. Fact, if Al Gore really cared about the environment, he'd live out of dumpsters. FREEGAN #2: You should like, totally be in charge of the Earth. FREEGAN #1: Don't I know it. This is a primo dumpster. Two restaurants and a convenience store use it. You're the only person I've ever brought here. FREEGAN #2: Nobody's taken me out to dinner in like, forever. (They kiss.) FREEGAN #1: We are going to indulge in a freakin' feast, my lady. Hop in. FREEGAN #2: Okay. (They both enter the dumpster.) FREEGAN #1: Fact, "best before dates" are just marketing tools to increase profits and make more garbage to feed the corporate monster. Oh look, eggs! And some apples. Just... just eat around the bruised part. FREEGAN #2: (bites into an apple) Mmm. This is like throwing out a baby. FREEGAN #1: I feel so close to you right now. FREEGAN #2: Oh! Look at all the yogurt and the veggies. FREEGAN #1: Wait a minute, do you smell that? There's something choice down there. You learn to recognize scents like a wine guy. It could be meat. Fact, if you cook it through, it's fine. Mmm, it's meat. (Pulls out a skull and both scream.) (Cut to: BRENNAN's car.) BOOTH: Hmm, the perfect murder? BRENNAN: I'm a forensic anthropologist. It would be odd if I didn't consider the perfect murder. First consideration, complete annihilation of the body. No body, no murder. Perfect. BOOTH: Why are we talking about this? BRENNAN: My car. I choose the topic of conversation. Also, my car achieves excellent gas mileage. Currently, fifty-one miles per gallon. BOOTH: Okay, you win. So, let's talk about the perfect murder. BRENNAN: Of course at this point, I'm simply being theoretical. BOOTH: What do you... what do you mean "at this point"? BRENNAN: Well there's so many variables in a person's life, it would be irrational to completely rule out the possibility of murdering someone. BOOTH: No it's not. You say "I'm never gonna murder someone". BRENNAN: I don't believe in absolutes. BOOTH: Scary, you know what? You're really scaring me right now. BRENNAN: Because you know that if I did commit murder, you'd never be able to catch me. BOOTH: (chuckles) I could catch you. BRENNAN: No, my plan is foolproof. BOOTH: Oh, now it's an actual plan. (Cut to: Crime scene. CAM and several FBI TECHs are on the scene.) BOOTH: Now this is a good place to dispose of a body. Trash men, they come every other day and it's off to a landfill, body never to be seen. BRENNAN: Perhaps. BOOTH: There is no perfect murder. It's chance and luck. BRENNAN: My plan is perfect. BOOTH: Look, if you can plan the perfect murder, so can I. I can too. Yeah okay, what's this? That's it? CAM: This is everything we found in the dumpster. The head and hands. BOOTH: Who found it? CAM: A couple of dumpster divers. BOOTH: Dumpster divers. BRENNAN: The prominent glabellas suggests the victim is male. BOOTH: Whoa, Hodgins is gonna love that. Okay, what is that, some kind of a bird's nest? CAM: It's the victim's hair. BOOTH: Wow, was he scalped? CAM: The teeth have been shattered most likely in an effort to obfuscate identity. BOOTH: Well you know, the dumpster will cause the guy to decompose pretty good too. BRENNAN: You should keep in mind when you plan your own murder. CAM: Anything I should know, Seeley? BOOTH: No, Camille. BRENNAN: (to an FBI TECH) I'll need you to separate out all fragments of remains from the refuse. CAM: You think the rest of him is in here? BRENNAN: I doubt it. Based on these striations on the distal end of the ulna, it's clear the hands were sawed off. Overall I must say this was a well-conceived method for disposal. BOOTH: Right, is that how you would do it? BRENNAN: I'm sorry I can't share my murder plans with you. BOOTH: Why? BRENNAN. You are dating a journalist. If in a post-coital haze, you relayed my method, she might print it for killers everywhere to see. BOOTH: Right, because you know, dismemberment and murder is my topic of conversation after s*x. CAM: There is something unusual about the phalanges, Dr. Brennan. BRENNAN: (picks up the remains of a hand) A flattened exostosis on the first metacarpal and proximal phalanx. BOOTH: That, you know, I know what that is. CAM: You do? BOOTH: Yeah an old ranger buddy of mine had the same injury. He got it from shooting a Desert Eagle Handgun. CAM: You think he's military? BOOTH: No, the victim definitely had a thing for big guns. BRENNAN: The evidence is consistent with your theory. BOOTH: That's right, you see 'cause I always get my man. BRENNAN: I am a woman. (Opening credits.) ACT TWO (Jeffersonian Institute, Medico Legal Lab, forensics platform. BRENNAN is examining the remains as CAM and BUNSEN JUDE walk up.) CAM: Dr. Brennan. BRENNAN: Yes, Dr. Saroyan? CAM: Is this a good time to interrupt? BRENNAN: Since you've already interrupted me, I think it's the best possible time to interrupt. CAM: Good, I wanna introduce you to someone. BRENNAN: Who? CAM: Before I tell you his name, I want you to understand that he is in fact (BUNSEN JUDE waves) very well educated with several advanced degrees. BRENNAN: Why does he look like that? CAM: Because he's the Science Dude. Professor Bunsen Jude, the Science Dude. BRENNAN: I don't know what that means. CAM: Uh, he's got his own kid's science show on TV, about science. The Science Dude. BRENNAN: As I am no longer a child, I don't really watch those. BUNSEN JUDE: Dr. Brennan, I am Professor Bunsen Jude the Science Dude. (extends his hand, but BRENNAN is wearing gloves and waves him away.) I'm very happy to meet you. I hope we can be friends. BRENNAN: Nice to meet you, Dude. BUNSEN JUDE: (looks around the lab) Amazing! CAM: The professor has a proposition for you. BUNSEN JUDE: Ah, yes. I would like to shoot a special episode of my show here in your lab with you as my very special science guest. BRENNAN: No. CAM: Dr. Brennan, this would be very good for the Jeffersonian. BRENNAN: The Jeffersonian is over a century and a half old. I doubt my appearance on a mere children's show will have much effect. BUNSEN JUDE: Dr. Brennan, my show is not mere. Do you have any idea how many children I have introduced to the world of science? BRENNAN: No. CAM: Oh, millions and millions. BRENNAN: I am a serious scientist. BUNSEN JUDE: I hold degrees in astrophysics, anatomy, chemistry and economics. BRENNAN: Children are not rigorous when it comes to empirical inquiry. They mostly enjoy bad smells and loud noises. BUNSEN JUDE: Well, who doesn't like that? (BRENNAN returns to examining the remains. BUNSEN JUDE and CAM begin to walk away.) CAM: I'm sorry Professor. BUNSEN JUDE: Alright, wait, wait. (to BRENNAN) How about I prove myself to you? I'll assist you in this case. If I'm useful, then you do my show. CAM: Dr. Brennan, you could use a second pair of eyes. We happen to be squintern free. BUNSEN JUDE: There you go. I will be your squintern. BRENNAN: Alright (motions to the remains on the table). BUNSEN JUDE: Okay. Amazing! BRENNAN: What do you observe? BUNSEN JUDE: (puts on gloves) Uh, well uh, this is a cut off head. Those are hands and that there is his hair. BRENNAN: Perhaps I should've specified that you tell me something pertinent. BUNSEN JUDE: May I? (uses tweezers to take a sample and places it under a microscope) As you can see from the deltoid appearance, this tells us this is not head hair. CAM: Oh god! You mean it's... BUNSEN JUDE: What? From, no no... no. That would really be a lot. I think it's, it's head hair but it's not from the top of the head. It's from his chin and cheeks. BRENNAN: Dude is correct. CAM: A beard. That's better than... (BUNSEN JUDE looks uncomfortable, sick.) BRENNAN: It's alright to vomit, Dude. BUNSEN JUDE: When science gets icky, it's alright to be si... (vomits into a trash can). (Cut to: ANGELA's office. A facial reconstruction is on the monitor. CAM walks in.) CAM: Wow, mean looking. ANGELA: What's really scary though, is that there's somebody out there even worse who cut off his head and hands. CAM: One little detail. This hair, not from his head. It's his beard. ANGELA: Ah, no problemo. (modifies the facial reconstruction) Okay, voila. CAM: Okay. Well let's get this to Booth. See if anyone's missing this guy. (Cut to: FBI Building, BOOTH's office. GERING is seated as BOOTH enters.) BOOTH: Mr. Gering. GERING: Yeah. Greg Gering, Gering Bail Bonds. BOOTH: Yeah right, yeah, look at that. I recognize you from all those billboards I see all over the place. So my people tell me you can identify this missing person. GERING: Yeah, this is Ray. Ray Kaminsky aka Wolf. BOOTH: Wolf? You guys put up bail for him? GERING: No, Wolf was one of the good guys, or almost a good guy. He's a skip tracer. BOOTH: Bounty hunter. GERING: Fully licensed, very experienced, one of my best. You sure he's dead? BOOTH: Oh yeah. GERING: Hard to believe somebody got the drop on the Wolf. BOOTH: Was he after anyone in particular? GERING: Yup, nutcase named Charles Braverman, indicted for the murder of a co-worker. Here. (hands Booth a file) Jammed a mechanical pencil through the guy's eye for singing show tunes at his desk. BOOTH: (opens the file) Guy looks like an accountant. He's 5'-7" and only 142 pounds. GERING: Charles Manson was 5'-2". Jeffrey Dahmer couldn't bench press his own weight. You've been in this business as long as I have, you come to judge how dangerous a man is by the size of his bail. BOOTH: How much? GERING: Million bucks. That's why I sent my best guy after him. BOOTH: The Wolf. BOOTH: Well thanks for these. (Holds out Gering Bail Bonds business cards.) GERING: Those are for you. You can maybe hand them out to everybody you arrest. BOOTH: Why would I do that? GERING: Because I am the picture of cooperation, provided you with a murder suspect. (Cut to: Jeffersonian Institute, Medico Legal Lab, Ookey Room. HODGINS is at work while BUNSEN JUDE enters.) BUNSEN JUDE: Excuse me, Dr. Hodgins. HODGINS: Yeah. (turns and sees BUNSEN JUDE) Whoa, Professor Bunsen Jude the Science Dude! Hey man, it is an honor to meet you (they shake hands). BUNSEN JUDE: Thank you. Dr. Brennan sent me to... HODGINS: (interrupts) Observe, analyze... HODGINS & BUNSEN JUDE: (in unison) Deduce! BUNSEN JUDE: No offense Dr. Hodgins, but you're a little older than my usual viewers. HODGINS: When I was in college, we used to have this drinking game, every time you said the word "Amazing!", we (brings an empty beaker to his mouth and mimics drinking) we... well anyway, I'm very familiar with your work. BUNSEN JUDE: I'm pitching in to help Dr. Brennan. She sent me to see if you found anything out from the beard. (HODGINS motions towards the victim's beard, tacked onto a board.) BUNSEN JUDE: Yucky. HODGINS: Yeah so, observe. Insects, various mineral particulates, mucus. BUNSEN JUDE: Bugs, dirt, snot. Is that blood? HODGINS: Analyze. It's barbeque sauce. More specifically, a vinegar and tomato based sauce most commonly found in western Virginia. BUNSEN JUDE: You're thinking you can trace his location before he passed away from the clues in his beard. HODGINS: Yes I do. Deduce! BUNSEN JUDE: Amazing! (HODGINS brings a beaker to his mouth and downs its contents. He makes a face and coughs afterwards.) (Cut to: Outside, reflecting pool. BOOTH and BRENNAN are seated on a bench, eating lunch) BOOTH: Listen, why don't you want to do a kids' show? BRENNAN: It's a waste of my time. BOOTH: It's a science show. BRENNAN: Kids' science. BOOTH: Parker loves that show. He's always watching it. He's always shouting out that slogan, "Ready, Aim, Fire!" BRENNAN: (corrects him) "Observe, Analyze, Deduce". BOOTH: Alright look, the whole point with the kids' show is you have an opportunity to you know, brainwash a bunch of normal kids into geeks, you know, future squints. BRENNAN: I'd be more likely to scare them away. BOOTH: What? BRENNAN: People should stick to their strengths. BOOTH: Well, you know, people should expand, I mean, expansion is good. They should grow. You believe in evolution, right? BRENNAN: If I didn't, I'd have to believe that early humans co-existed with dinosaurs. To believe that, I'd have to be dim witted. BOOTH: (in a serious tone) Ah, cave men fought the Tyrannosaurus Rex. That's a fact. BRENNAN: I can't tell if you're joking. (her phone rings) I hope you are. Oh, it's Angela. (answers) Hello? ANGELA: (on speakerphone) Hodgins and that Dr. Amazing... BRENNAN: (to Booth) Angela means Science Dude. ANGELA: (on speakerphone) Yeah, they ran an analysis on the contents of the victim's beard. BOOTH: Beard? Why the beard? ANGELA: (on speakerphone) It was full of stuff. BOOTH: Stuff? BRENNAN: Could you be more specific? ANGELA: (on speakerphone) Okay well, there were needles from the red spruce, which means he was at an altitude higher than 4,300 feet and the leg from a rare bug called the emerald ash borer. BOOTH: How rare is that? ANGELA: (on speakerphone) Rare enough that when it's combined with altitude and a not so secret barbeque sauce made by Ollie's BBQ in western Virginia, you're left with a half mile stretch off the 250 highway where the victim had to be shortly before being killed. BRENNAN: That's very good work Angela. Thank you. (hangs up) You're going to need Tuttie for this one. BOOTH: Tuttie? (Cut to: Woods. BOOTH follows TUTTI, the cadaver dog and her handler, MACGREGOR) MACGREGOR: If there's a dead body out here, Tutti will find it. BOOTH: Maybe Tutti's gotten smart, right, and realized it's best just to avoid dead bodies' smell altogether. MACGREGOR: I mean, this body could be in bits right? BOOTH: Could be. All we found were the head and the hands. MACGREGOR: Somebody try to make it harder to identify the victim? BOOTH: Yeah. Ok, so... (TUTTI sits then lays down.) BOOTH: That's it for Tutti? That's all she's got? MACGREGOR: No, that's how Tutti indicates. You dig there, you'll find human body parts or my name isn't Maggie MacGregor! BOOTH: Maybe you can get her to dig too? (Cut to: Later in the woods. An open excavation with human remains.) CAM: Headless, handless, right stage of decomposition, I'd say you found the rest of our victim. BOOTH: More bones for Bones to work on. (CAROLINE JULIAN walks up with two FBI AGENTS) CAROLINE: Excuse me, what in god's name are you people planting up here at this time of year? BOOTH: What are you doing here? CAROLINE: These agents are surveilling a cabin just over there and reported suspicious activity. (looks down at the bones) A moldering dead body counts as suspicious. CAM: These are most likely the remains of a bounty hunter named Ray Kaminsky. CAROLINE: Bounty hunter? By any chance was he in pursuit of a fugitive named Charles Braverman? BOOTH: Yeah, he's out on bail for murder. Looks like the bounty hunter chased Braverman out to his cabin and Braverman took him out. CAROLINE: It gets worse. Braverman's wife was slated to be a material witness against her husband. CAM: Was? CAROLINE: She's gone missing. That's why we put that place under surveillance. Too late, it appears. Maybe there are two bodies out here. BOOTH: Nah, I scoured this whole area with Tutti, you know the cadaver dog. CAROLINE: Well, all we can do is hope that Molly Braverman is out there somewhere hiding from her homicidal, maniac husband. BOOTH: I'll find her for you. CAROLINE: Ah, cherie. I love it when you sing that song. BOOTH: Haha. CAROLINE: (glances down at the bones) Ew! ACT THREE (Jeffersonian Institute, Medico Legal Lab, forensics platform.) BUNSEN JUDE: Alright everyone, are we wearing our masks and gloves? Health and safety first. (HODGINS and CAM look at him quizzically.) BUNSEN JUDE: Really, that's how you roll? Alright. (They open the body bag to reveal the victim's remains.) BUNSEN JUDE: Human remains, rotting. The medical term that describes the condition of this flesh is... anybody, anybody? (HODGINS raises his hand) BUNSEN JUDE: Yes? HODGINS: Ah, it's gooey. BUNSEN JUDE. Good. That's not exactly what I was looking for. CAM: Decomposed due to autolysis, the destruction of cells as a result of an aseptic chemical process. BUNSEN JUDE: Amazing! But you had me at "decomposed". HODGINS: Okay, okay ask something else. CAM: (raises her hand) I'd like to know how this person died. BUNSEN JUDE: Dr. Saroyan is the boss. We must always respect our superiors and our mom and dad. That's why I tell kids to ask first before removing simple household items when doing an experiment. (HODGINS clears his throat and nods toward the remains.) BUNSEN JUDE: Cause of death (moves the magnifying lens over a section of the remains). And there it is, the cause of death. CAM: Just like that? BUNSEN JUDE: Yes. (points to the screen) Bowing inward fracture. Fracture lines indicating high velocity trauma, most likely a gunshot. HODGINS: You'd throw it to a cartoon now, right? To explain velocity. BUNSEN JUDE: Captain Speedy falling off the cliff, explaining velocity is the rate of change of displacement with time! HODGINS: I love Captain Speedy! CAM: The trajectory is a straight shot to the heart. Fatal. BUNSEN JUDE: Which is sad but amazing. HODGINS: Amazing. (Cut to: FBI building. SWEETS and BOOTH look at MOLLY's DMV picture on the monitor.) SWEETS: So Braverman and Molly were high school sweethearts. No reports of spousal abuse. BOOTH: So? SWEETS: He's considered a martinet at the workplace, control freak. BOOTH: Not at home? SWEETS: More likely, Molly successfully subjugated her own personality and desires to her husband. BOOTH: The why did she agree to testify against him? SWEETS: (shrugs) Chance to be free. BOOTH: Free? Huh, she's free now. SWEETS: Yeah, but she won't be on her own. I mean, she's not prepared to cope. BOOTH: Okay, so we're looking for someone who took her in. A friend or a family member. SWEETS: No, no she won't have any friends. Braverman wouldn't have allowed it. BOOTH: Sweets? SWEETS: Yeah? BOOTH: Not by herself, not with a friend. Then what's left? SWEETS: Surrogates. BOOTH: People who have babies for other people? SWEETS: No, no, no. Someone that she comes into contact with in a formal way like an employee. BOOTH: Oh right, or a housekeeper or a tax adviser or a personal trainer. SWEETS: Yes, exactly. Look for someone that she overcompensates or uh, utilizes more often than she needs to. (Cut to: Jeffersonian Institute, Medico Legal Lab, forensics platform. BRENNAN swipes her card and walks up.) BRENNAN: Dude, Dr. Saroyan tells me that you determined cause of death. BUNSEN JUDE: Keen observation and careful thought are traits that are as valuable as kindness, understanding and compassion. BRENNAN: Much more valuable, actually. BUNSEN JUDE: Well I try to promote all the traits which make for a good citizen. (Close-up of a rib on the monitor. BRENNAN and BUNSEN JUDE look on.) BRENNAN: I agree substantial damage has been done to this rib. Do you have an explanation for the fact that the two sides of the rib failed to match? BUNSEN JUDE: I miss something? BRENNAN: (points) The two sides of the fracture. There's a gap of at least seven millimeters, which is unaccounted for. BUNSEN JUDE: I missed it entirely but there's no shame in making a mistake. BRENNAN: If you're a child. But here that kind of carelessness could lead to a murderer escaping. BUNSEN JUDE: And as the old adage goes, if at first you don't succeed you pick yourself up and ignoring all the doomsayers and mopey dopes, you try again. (uses tweezers, picks up a fragment and examines it closely) Amazing. Now the only component that's evading us is the bullet that caused this injury. BRENNAN: No, that is not the only component evading us. (BRENNAN leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: ANGELA's office. CAM enters.) CAM: What've we got? BRENNAN: I've asked Angela to create a re-enactment of the victim's death. ANGELA: I'm just inputting the data now. CAM: (to BRENNAN) Professor Jude turned out to be quite impressive, didn't he? BRENNAN: Well, if you're six years old. CAM: A kind mind is a fine mind. (BRENNAN makes a face) It's just that stuff gets into your head and... go Angela. (Computer shows a rendering of the victim's injuries.) ANGLEA: As you can see, the victim was struck in the left fourth rib with a blow that was powerful enough not only to fracture the rib but also dislodge a portion of the bone. BRENNAN: Dude found a fragment of the rib. My theory is that the fragment was propelled forward and shot into the heart thus killing him. CAM: So he wasn't killed by a bullet but by a piece of his own rib? BRENNAN: There's no indication of the weapon being a bullet. CAM: What did the rib damage? ANGELA: I hate to be the one to suggest this but this might be the perfect time for Hodgins and the Science Dude to join forces. CAM: Bring merriment to your experiment. (BRENNAN and ANGELA exchange looks) I just... made that one up myself. (Cut to: BOOTH's car.) BOOTH: Molly Braverman saw her hairdresser twice a week. BRENNAN: That's a lot. BOOTH: That's exactly what Sweets said we should look for, I mean, we talked to the hairdresser and get this, Molly asked if she could stay at the hairdresser's house for a few days. BRENNAN: You don't seem pleased. BOOTH: Yeah you know well, the hairdresser said I was the second FBI agent who called. So you know, I checked in with Caroline and nobody else followed the hairdresser lead. BRENNAN: What, Braverman? BOOTH: That's exactly what I thought but it was a woman who called. (Cut to: Apartment 5F where MOLLY is staying. BOOTH knocks and MOLLY answers.) MOLLY: (through the peephole) Yes? BOOTH: (shows his badge) FBI. (MOLLY opens the door.) BOOTH: FBI Special Agent Seeley Booth. This here is Dr. Temperance Brennan from the Jeffersonian. Can we talk to you for a minute? MOLLY: I'm sorry, this is isn't a good time. BRENNAN: Mrs. Braverman, we have reason to believe that you're in danger. BOOTH: Your husband may have discovered where you are and... what is it, is something wrong? BRENNAN: (turns around and sees BRAVERMAN outside through the window) Booth, it's Braverman. (BRAVERMAN turns and runs.) BOOTH: (to MOLLY) Stay inside and lock the door. (BOOTH and BRENNAN chase BRAVERMAN across the street.) BOOTH: Hey, hey hey! (BOOTH runs out in front of a cab) BOOTH: Whoa, whoa, whoa! CABBIE: (honks) Watch it! BOOTH: Can't you see I'm running? CABBIE: (as BRENNAN runs in front of the cab) Are you kidding me, lady?! (BOOTH and BRENNAN follow BRAVERMAN into an alley. BRAVERMAN takes out a gun, fires and misses. BRAVERMAN continues into a parking garage and as BOOTH chases, he collides with JANET LEBLANC. They fall to the ground, with BRENNAN right behind.) BRENNAN: Booth! She's got a shotgun (picks up the gun, cocks it and aims for BRAVERMAN). BOOTH: Bones! BRENNAN: (to BRAVERMAN) Hey! BOOTH: Whoa, whoa, whoa... easy! (BRAVERMAN turns and jumps through a window, landing on a parked car below. He injures his leg but runs away before BRENNAN can get a shot off.) LEBLANC: (to Booth) Thanks a lot idiot! You just cost me two hundred grand. BOOTH: Two hundred grand? Oh great, just what I need, another damn bounty hunter. ACT 4 (FBI building. BOOTH leads LEBLANC, in handcuffs, to a conference room.) LEBLANC: Come on, we're in your castle. We're all on the same side. How about losing these stupid bracelets? BOOTH: On the same side? (CAROLINE walks up.) CAROLINE: (to LEBLANC) You assaulted a federal agent. LEBLANC: He didn't identify himself as such. Besides, he's a big boy. It's not like he can't handle a love tap or two. BOOTH: Oh, a wanted fugitive escaped because of your interference so have a seat. LEBLANC: Look, let me go and I'll get Braverman back for you. CAROLINE: If Braverman hurts or kills anyone else because you prevented his arrest, I'll charge you as an accessory. LEBLANC: I'm sorry but I've been chasing this guy for seventeen days now. (looks directly at BOOTH) It's the thrill of the chase, right? You know what I mean. BOOTH: (a beat) Come on (removes LEBLANC's handcuffs). LEBLANC: Wow, you're actually letting me go? BOOTH: Well, thrill of the chase. You get it, right? Get outta here before I change my mind. (LEBLANC leaves.) CAROLINE: What'd you do that for? BOOTH: Double the pressure on Braverman. I don't care who gets him first. CAROLINE: I hate it when you're all adult and sensible. Get me a little bile and revenge. That's what I appreciate in a man (turns and leaves). BOOTH: What? (Cut to: Jeffersonian Institute, Medico Legal Lab, Ookey Room. HODGINS and BUNSEN JUDE are setting up an experiment.) HODGINS: Human ribs can withstand approximately four hundred pounds of force before breaking. Ribs one through three are the hardest with four through nine getting progressively weaker. BUNSEN JUDE: Our victim was a large man with big muscles and dense bones. HODGINS: I never thought of using paint stirrer sticks in place of ribs. BUNSEN JUDE: Many common household items mimic the properties of human body parts like cantaloupe melons or pudding. HODGINS: I'm not gonna ask about the pudding. (HODGINS sets the model at one end of the room. The model consists of paint sticks to represent the ribs and a balloon filled with red liquid to represent the heart. HODGINS and BUNSEN JUDE walk to the opposite end of the room.) BUNSEN JUDE: Start slowly and work our way up. HODGINS: Professor (extends a bowl filled with various projectiles to BUNSEN JUDE, who picks out a baseball). BUNSEN JUDE: Thank you. HODGINS: (sets up a speed gun) Captain Speedy would say the speed will give us velocity and force. (BUNSEN JUDE throws the baseball at the model. The ball bounces off the model but does not break it.) HODGINS: Wow (checks the speed gun). That's fifty-six miles per hour, which is 25.3 meters per second. That's not enough. (HODGINS and BUNSEN JUDE change positions. BUNSEN JUDE sets up the speed gun as HODGINS picks another projectile from the bowl.) HODGINS: Ooh, how about a slingshot with a golf ball? Ready? (HODGINS aims and fires. The golf ball bounces off the model but does not break it.) HODGINS: Wow, those ribs are really tough. BUNSEN JUDE: (checks the speed gun) A hundred miles per hour or... HODGINS: 45.15 meters per second, give or take. BUNSEN JUDE: Science is fun! HODGINS: Yeah! BUNSEN JUDE: But we do have a responsibility to the truth. HODGINS: Yeah. BUNSEN JUDE: The truth is whatever hit this big, tough man's ribs made a piece fly off. HODGINS: Should we step this thing up a magnitude or two? (hands BUNSEN JUDE a hatchet). BUNSEN JUDE: Amazing! (Cut to: FBI Building, SWEETS' office, SWEETS is with a PATIENT.) (BOOTH enters.) BOOTH: Sweets! (notices the PATIENT) Oh hey, how are you? (to SWEETS) Listen, I need you help. SWEETS: I'm in a session! BOOTH: No, no, no no... Listen, I'm dealing with a dangerous fugitive here. (To PATIENT) You understand, don't you? (to SWEETS) I need your brain to help me figure out what his next move's gonna be. SWEETS: No, no, no, no... I still got twenty minutes left here then I'm all yours. BOOTH: Whoa, no, no, no... twenty minutes is not gonna work, alright? Two minutes, not a second more. (to PATIENT) Listen, whatever your problem is trust me, Sweets here can fix it in two minutes. (points to his watch) Two minutes. Let's go, let's go, come on (exits). SWEETS: Okay, well deciding to change genders is a monumental decision (PATIENT nods) in and of itself so why don't we take the weekend to reflect on that. And then we'll figure out what the next steps will be. Sound good? Yeah? Yeah. (Cut to: Jeffersonian Institute, Bone Room. BRENNAN is looking over bones on the table as ANGELA enters.) ANGELA: Hey, you have to go on the Dude's kiddie show. BRENNAN: No I don't. (exchanges a look with ANGELA) Why? ANGELA: Because it's the dream of every kid in this country who likes science even a little bit. BRENNAN: Well, I'm not a kid. I'm a fully-grown adult. ANGELA: Okay, then do it for your inner child. BRENNAN: If you're referring to a fetus, I unlike you, am not currently pregnant. ANGLEA: Sweetie, you go on the show and millions of little girls are going to look at you and say to themselves, "I can be like her". A scientist or an astronaut or a brain surgeon blah de blah. You know, shoot for the stars. All that. BRENNAN: Even with the blah de blah, it seems very important to you. ANGELA: Yeah. If I have a daughter I'm going to name her Temperance. BRENNAN: You are? ANGELA: I mean we won't call her that. It's awful. Maybe it'll be her middle name but I want her to love you. BRENNAN: You love me. ANGELA: Yes, but not everyone is as willing to look as hard for you inner child as I am and this kid is half Hodgins, remember? Listen, if the Science Dude makes it all the way through this case, helpful or not, I think that you should cut him a break and go on his show. (Shot of bone fragments, magnified on the monitor. BRENNAN turns her attention to the bones.) ANGELA: Yeah and I've lost you. BRENNAN: No, no you haven't. I am an excellent multitasker. I need the Dude. ANGELA: Oh, okay. (yells) Dude! Dude! BUNSEN JUDE: (off-screen) Coming, I'm coming! (BUNSEN JUDE enters.) BUNSEN JUDE: Yeah? ANGELA: You are on. Dazzle! (exits). BRENNAN: Dude, what do you see here? BUNSEN JUDE: Ribs, broken ribs. BRENNAN: Could you be more specific? BUNSEN JUDE: Okay. (walks toward the monitor) This is a magnification of the fourth left rib so it's big. And our eyes can see things that are usually too tiny for the human eye. And right here (points) where it's a little bumpy and weird, that's where the bone started to heal. BRENNAN: Remodeling. BUNSEN JUDE: Yes, which means this rib was broken before this man was killed. Amazing! BRENNAN: This injury occurred perhaps a week before the victim was killed. BUNSEN JUDE: Whatever made him die was not the same thing that broke his rib. BRENNAN: There were two injuries. One that broke off a piece of the rib... BUNSEN JUDE: And another approximately a week later which propelled the bone into his heart and killed him dead. BRENNAN: "Killed him dead" is redundant. BUNSEN JUDE: But it's clear and what do we say about clarity? It's a barbarity that clarity is a rarity! BRENNAN: That's very true. (Cut to: FBI Building. BOOTH, SWEETS and CAROLINE are watching security tapes.) BOOTH: Okay, what am I looking at looking at here? CAROLINE: You know that myth where some good Samaritan anonymously sends in evidence that cracks the case? BOOTH: That never happens. CAROLINE: It happened. SWEETS: That's the victim, isn't it? (Footage shows KAMINSKY playing pool with GERING.) BOOTH: Yeah, he's playing pool with his boss, the bail bondsman. So what? CAROLINE: Here we go. (Footage shows KAMINSKY punching GERING.) CAROLINE: Slight disagreement between gentlemen. SWEETS: Does he really think that wig is fooling anyone? CAROLINE: He's terminal. BOOTH: What? CAROLINE: Cancer. The diagnosis isn't good. (Footage shows GERING jabbing KAMINSKY with a pool stick.) BOOTH: Oh, wow! Okay, at least we know how he cracked his rib. (Footage shows GERING pulling out a gun, aiming it at KAMINSKY.) CAROLINE: Gotta give a little guy credit for guts. SWEETS: Someone thinks he's gonna die, he takes risks he might otherwise avoid. (Footage shows GERING continuing to point his gun as KAMINISKY walks away.) BOOTH: Yeah or he just goes crazy. ACT 5 (FBI Building, interrogation room. BOOTH and CAROLINE question GERING.) GERING: The Wolf cheated. He called the wrong shot. There was money at stake. I did what I had to do. BOOTH: (motions to the television which shows footage of GERING jabbing KAMINISKY with a pool stick) Yeah, so you cracked him in the ribs? GERING: I protested in a vigorous fashion. We put it behind us. I didn't track him down and kill him later. CAROLINE: Maybe he wasn't so forgiving. Maybe he felt embarrassed that an old man in a bad wig made him look like a fool. BOOTH: Right, so he comes after you. CAROLINE: You protest again, even more vigorously, by which I mean you chop off his head. GERING: Look, you people! Guys like me and the Wolf... we're not lawyers, we don't talk things through. The Wolf once took a shot at me because I complimented his mother in a way he didn't appreciate. BOOTH: Guys like you, you get older, you get weak. Maybe you overcompensate. GERING: I'm still kickin', thanks sonny. CAROLINE: You're wearing that wig because of chemotherapy. You are going to die sir, within the next year. GERING: (exchanges looks with CAROLINE and BOOTH then removes his wig) Doctor says more like six months. And it's none of your business, but I believe in God and I would like to make a good impression when I stand before him. BOOTH: And make up for what, about a hundred assault convictions? GERING: Assault in the course of my chosen profession. No aggravated assault, no killing anybody! If I were you, I'd be asking why Janet LeBlanc sent you that security tape. BOOTH: Oh what, the other bounty hunter? GERING: She's the only one who would benefit. CAROLINE: Why would one of your own bounty hunters want to incriminate you? GERING: Because she wants you wasting your time on me while she finds Braverman. Mission accomplished. BOOTH: You're being pretty damn helpful. (to Caroline) Isn't he? CAROLINE: Mmm-hmm. GERING: If you get to Braverman first, I don't have to pay out two hundred large which is why I'll play this for you (hits play on a recorder that's on the table). MOLLY: (on recorder) Charlie, tell me where you are and I'll come right away. BOOTH: Is that Molly Braverman? MOLLY: (on recorder) No, I promise. The FBI had no idea I was hiding you. (GERING stops the recorder.) CAROLINE: What'd you do, duplicate the sim card on her cell? GERING: No need, they got an app for that. BOOTH: Give me that (takes the recorder). (Cut to: FBI Building, conference room.) MOLLY: (on recorder) I can meet you at the corner of 21st and Scott in thirty minutes BOOTH: (stops the recorder) Okay, that recording was made an hour and a half ago. I contacted the officers who were assigned to protect Molly and she's already gone. BRENNAN: What kind of woman runs away with a man whom she knows to be a murderer? SWEETS: I should've known. She's so used to being controlled she can't live without it. CAROLINE: I don't care about why, the question is where. Where are they? BOOTH: Right here. (brings up a map on the screen and points) Okay the intersection they plan to meet is right here. Now if Molly is driving... SWEETS: No, no no. He would've taken over once they got together. BRENNAN: How could you possibly know that? SWEETS: Well, since she's willing to accept the fact that her husband killed a man, it suggests that she's a submissive and compliant woman. CAROLINE: So where do you think they'll go? BRENNAN: Okay, this is ludicrous. Sweets can't possibly know that. SWEETS: Actually, I can. What I'm doing here, it's no less precise than profiling a suspect. So this meeting place is not random (points to the intersection on the monitor). It's right off the 66 interstate. From here, Braverman will head west. BRENNAN: (scoffs) Now you're psychic? SWEETS: 87% of all people escaping head west. I know, it's one of those bizarre, psychological truths. It's like, uh, circling clockwise when you're staking out a house. BRENNAN: Even the Dude would call that pseudo science. BOOTH: (brings up MOLLY's credit card records on the monitor) Credit card records show past reservations at campgrounds at Walker State Park and Freemont State Park. SWEETS: Yeah, they would want a familiar place where they feel secure. Both west of here, by the way. Just... (shrugs and glances at BRENNAN). BOOTH: The fastest route from here is between the 66 and 81. CAROLINE: I'll buy it, especially since we don't have anything else. BRENNAN: He won't make it to the 81. CAROLINE: Now who's psychic? BRENNAN: When Braverman rolled off the car, he landed flat-footed. From that height and the speed he was going, he must have dislocated his femoral head from his acetabulum. BOOTH: It couldn't be that bad. He's been running ever since. BRENNAN: Once he's in the car and immobile, his adrenaline will wear off and the pain will become unbearable. He'll need drugs and medical care. CAROLINE: You don't think he'd be stupid enough to go to a hospital? BRENNAN: He won't have a choice. BOOTH: I'll contact all the hospitals and urgent care facilities along the route. (Cut to: Jeffersonian Institute, Medico Legal Lab. CAM and HODGINS walking.) CAM: Nothing. You found nothing? HODGINS: We have tried everything we can think of. The problem is projectiles either bounce off the rib, crack it or fragment it into several pieces. CAM: But nothing knocked out one small fragment? HODGINS: It's like I told the Science Dude. We need something that strikes at more than forty meters per second but less than seventy meters per second. CAM: Which translates to? HODGINS: Ah, faster than a golf ball hit with a three iron but slower than a rubber bullet. (CAM and HODGINS enter the Ookey Room where BUNSEN JUDE is working.) CAM: (sees HODGINS' and BUNSEN JUDE's model. The balloons have been popped and red liquid has spewed around the model) Oh, good lord. (BUNSEN JUDE holds a potato gun. His lab coat is covered in red liquid.) BUNSEN JUDE: I think I'm onto something. HODGINS: Whoa, you made a bazooka! BUNSEN JUDE: If you mean a potato bazooka, then yes. PVC tube, commercial hairspray as an accelerant. Hold and load (hands the gun to HODGINS). HODGINS: Man, I haven't shot a potato gun since I was a kid. CAM: Is this in any way safe? BUNSEN JUDE: Strictly eighteen and over so I am completely out of my comfort zone. HODGINS: (loads the gun) Okay, loaded and ready, Professor (gives the gun to BUNSEN JUDE). BUNSEN JUDE: (kneels with the gun and takes aim at the model as HODGINS sets up the speed gun) Spuds away! (CAM covers her ears as BUNSEN JUDE fires. The potato his the model and breaks the rib.) HODGINS: Wow, one hundred and forty miles per hour so that's 62.5 meters per second, give or take. Check the playback on that. (HODGINS walks to the monitor. Slow motion shot of the potato hitting the rib. A fragment breaks off and punctures the balloon that represents the heart.) BUNSEN JUDE: Eureka! CAM: I see your results are congruent with what happened but are we really saying that our victim was killed by a potato gun? (HODGINS and BUNSEN JUDE smile.) (Cut to: BOOTH's car. BOOTH's phone rings.) BOOTH: It's Hodgins (answers). Hey Hodgins, you got a weapon for us? HODGINS: (on speakerphone) It's a potato gun. BRENNAN: Did you get that thesis from the Dude? CAM: (on speakerphone) That would be correct. BOOTH: Okay, murder by vegetable? HODGINS: (on speakerphone) Well, not literally. BUNSEN JUDE: Murder by something that approximates the speed, force and velocity of a potato. A blunt, malleable projectile moving at a relatively slow speed. BRENNAN: That is very good work. BUNSEN JUDE: (on speakerphone) Ah, but good enough that you will agree to appear on my show? (BOOTH glances at BRENNAN.) BRENNAN: (nods) Yes. (BUNSEN JUDE and CAM look pleased. BOOTH's phone rings.) BRENNAN: Uh, excuse us. (BOOTH takes the call. It's AGENT CLANSNICK.) BOOTH: Oh, I got it, I got it. Yeah it's Booth. CLANSNICK: (on speakerphone) This is Agent Clansnick. MacArthur Hospital off the 66 just reported a couple, male and female. Male with a dislocated leg. BRENNAN: What, were they carrying any potatoes? CLANSNICK: (on speakerphone) Excuse me? BOOTH: No, we're eight miles out. We're on our way. ACT 6 (MacArthur Hospital. BOOTH and BRENNAN enter.) BRENNAN: What do you want to do? BOOTH: Well, what I want to do is I want to find a doctor to find him and pump him with enough morphine to stun an elephant. BRENNAN: Physicians can't do that, it's against the Hippocratic Oath. First, do no harm. (Shot of LEBLANC entering the hospital.) BOOTH: Right, I'm just saying... (BOOTH and BRENNAN see LEBLANC). BRENNAN: She followed us. BOOTH: Hey, Janet! (BOOTH and BRENNAN go follow LEBLANC. LEBLANC goes through a set of doors and jams the handles with a crutch.) BOOTH: (attempts to open the door from the other side but can't) Janet! LEBLANC: (walks down the hallway and looks back at BOOTH) Braverman's mine G-man. (Cut to: MOLLY and BRAVERMAN in a hospital room. BRAVERMAN is in a gown while a NURSE prepares an injection) MOLLY: It's gonna be alright, okay? (Cut to: BRENNAN outside of the doors that LEBLANC went through.) BRENNAN: There's another way around. This way (runs as BOOTH follows). (Cut to: Hospital room. The nurse injects BRAVERMAN's knee.) (Cut to: BRENNAN and BOOTH spot LEBLANC.) BRENNAN: (points) Look there! (LEBLANC turns and walks away.) (Cut to: MOLLY leading BRAVERMAN out of the hospital room.) (Cut to: BOOTH and BRENNAN follow LEBLANC.) BRENNAN: I'm going to go back the other way (walks in a different direction than BOOTH). (Shots of: BOOTH following LEBLANC as she glances back. MOLLY and BRAVERMAN walking. LEBLANC spotting MOLLY and BRAVERMAN.) MOLLY: Run Charles, I got her. (LEBLANC shoves MOLLY and continues after BRAVERMAN. BOOTH and BRENNAN spot JANET and MOLLY from opposite sides of the hallway. MOLLY grabs a needle as BRENNAN kicks her causing MOLLY to inject herself with the needle. MOLLY falls to the floor. BOOTH chases BRAVERMAN but BRAVERMAN is shot by LEBLANC. BRAVERMAN falls to the floor. BOOTH takes out his gun and aims it at LEBLANC.) BOOTH: No, wait! Drop the weapon. LEBLANC: Relax G-man, he's fine. It's only a beanbag gun. BOOTH: Drop it, now. LEBLANC: (sets the gun on the floor) I got the guy. Bounty is mine. BOOTH: On your knees, now! LEBLANC: (kneels) He's officially mine. (BRENNAN rounds the corner and sees BOOTH and LEBLANC.) BRENNAN: Booth. BOOTH: Bones, you okay? Where's Molly? BRENNAN: She's incapacitated. Most likely for the next six to eight hours. (BOOTH handcuffs LEBLANC.) BOOTH: Bones, you think that a potato gun and a beanbag can generate the same fig Newtons per square inch? BRENNAN: It's just Newtons, Booth. (picks up the beanbag and examines it) Yes, I think they could be very similar. Why? (BOOTH looks at LEBLANC.) BRENNAN: The bounty hunter killed the Wolf? BOOTH: They're both after Braverman at the same time in the woods near his cabin. So she just takes him out for the two hundred grand bounty. BRENNAN: It was an accident. The rib fragment broke off in the fight at the pool hall. (to LEBLANC) You had no idea that your beanbag gun would kill him. BOOTH: Bones, what are you, a defense lawyer now? BRENNAN: A kind mind is a fine mind. BOOTH: She cut off his head! That wasn't an accident. BRENNAN: I have no rebuttal to that statement. BOOTH: Right, let's go (leads LEBLANC, in handcuffs, away). (Cut to: Various shots of D.C. then to the exterior of the Jeffersonian Institute. In the lab, the forensics platform has been transformed into the set of BUNSEN JUDE's show. A neon sign "THE LAB" is overhead. The AUDIENCE consists primarily of children. BOOTH, CAROLINE, ANGELA, HODGINS, and CAM stand and watch from the back .) BOOTH: (speaking fast) I am so nervous, anyone else nervous? (to Caroline) You nervous? I'm nervous. CAROLINE: What if she starts to explain human dissection to these kids? (Theme music plays as the show starts. BUNSEN JUDE runs onto the stage. The AUDIENCE applauds. BOOTH takes a seat.) BUNSEN JUDE: What is the code of the scientist? AUDIENCE: Observe, analyze, deduce! ANGELA: Wow, these are not normal, fun children. BUNSEN JUDE: Kids, I want you to meet a very special friend. In fact, this is her lab. Isn't it amazing? AUDIENCE: It's amazing! BUNSEN JUDE: She's a forensic anthropologist and what she does is amazing! She looks at old bones, she figures out how people lived, what they were like, even how they died. She's amazing, like magic. AUDIENCE: She's amazing! BUNSEN JUDE: But it's not magic, it's... AUDIENCE: Science! BUNSEN JUDE: Her name is Dr. Temperance Brennan but she's better known as the Bone Lady (claps). (The AUDIENCE claps along with CAROLINE, ANGELA, HODGINS, and CAM. BRENNAN runs onto the stage in pigtails. She's dressed in a fluffy tutu, giant white gloves and a black leotard with a white skeleton. The AUDIENCE cheers. BOOTH claps and smiles. BRENNAN waves.) BUNSEN JUDE: Dr. Brennan, would you like to lead us in our Scientist's Oath? BRENNAN: I most certainly would, Science Dude. We see big stars (raises hands and waves) tiny atoms too (lowers hands and waves) because that is what scientists (points to herself) do. AUDIENCE: (in unison) Because that is what scientists do! BRENNAN: We get the facts and say what's true because that's what scientists (points to herself) do. AUDIENCE: (in unison) Because that is what scientists do! BOOTH: (in unison) Because that is what scientists do! BRENNAN: We use our minds (points to her head) embrace what's new (hugs herself) because that is what scientists (points to herself) do. AUDIENCE: (in unison) Because that is what scientists do! BUNSEN JUDE: Thank you Dr. Brennan. BRENNAN: No, thank you. (Shots of the AUDIENCE, CAROLINE, HODGINS and CAM cheering as BRENNAN bows and curtsies. BRENNAN spots BOOTH in the crowd. They make eye contact as BOOTH gives a smile and thumbs up. BRENNAN returns the smile and thumbs up. BRENNAN bows. Scene fades.) END.	Plan: A: a dumpster; Q: Where were the remains of Ray Raminsky found? A: the team; Q: Who must solve the crime and search for the victim's remains? A: search; Q: What must the team do to find the rest of the victim's remains? A: a bounty hunter; Q: What was Ray Raminsky's profession? A: Charles Braverman; Q: Who is Ray Raminsky searching for? A: Brennan; Q: Who is asked to be a guest on Professor Bunsen Jude's show? A: "The Science Dude; Q: What is Bunsen Jude's nickname? A: The Jeffersonian Lab; Q: Where is Professor Bunsen Jude's show filmed? A: his special guest; Q: What role does Brennan have on Professor Bunsen Jude's show? A: a new "squintern; Q: What does Brennan take on after she can't refuse Professor Bunsen Jude? A: an unexpected suspect; Q: Who does the team find themselves in a chase with? Summary: After a skull and decomposing hands are found in a dumpster, the team must not only solve the crime but also search for the rest of the victim's remains. Identified as Ray Raminsky, the victim turns out to be a bounty hunter in search of Charles Braverman, a man indicted for the murder of a co-worker. Meanwhile, Brennan is asked by Professor Bunsen Jude "The Science Dude" if he can shoot an episode of his children's show from The Jeffersonian Lab with Brennan as his special guest. Brennan initially turns him down, but is surprised when he makes her a deal she can't refuse, so she takes him on as a new "squintern." As the team pieces together the details of the crime, they discover that they are not alone in the hunt for Braverman and find themselves in a chase with an unexpected suspect.
The Ribos Operation First broadcast 9th September, 1978 6:20pm - 6:45pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. RELIC ROOM ROMANA: DOCTOR, DO SOMETHING!!!! (The giant lizard comes fully awake, face covered in blood - not its own blood - and ROARS. The Doctor's eyes go wide.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. CORRIDOR (At the pulley, one of the guards turns to the sceptre-holding captain.) SHRIEVE: Captain? CAPTAIN: What is it? SHRIEVE: There's some obstruction. CAPTAIN: Take it up, then! It could be the Shrivenzale! (The Captain joins them at the pulley as they pull.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. RELIC ROOM (The secret door opens enough...) DOCTOR: Quickly, before we're eaten! (...for the Doctor and Romana to scramble back out.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. CORRIDOR (The Captain (waiting at the door) hears the Shrivenzale stop growling.) CAPTAIN: There. It must have been the beast. SHRIEVE #2: I pray we didn't harm it. It's dangerous enough at the best of times. CAPTAIN: That's why it's THERE, you dolt. SHRIEVE #2: Shall I take it up a bit further, sir, just in case? [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. RELIC ROOM (The creature would sure like that - it's clawing at the half-open door, trying to get under it. Romana is crushed to the Doctor's side, shivering in relief.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. CORRIDOR CAPTAIN: No, that's high enough. Lower away again. (The guards do so.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. RELIC ROOM (The secret door shuts, leaving the ugly Shrivenzale inside. Romana finally pulls herself away from the Doctor.) ROMANA: That thing - what is it? DOCTOR: (tugging at his shirt collar) A Shrivenzale. ROMANA: I never imagined - are there many creatures like that on other worlds? DOCTOR: (impish smirk, nod) Millions. MILLIONS! (The Doctor crosses back to the case.) DOCTOR: You shouldn't have volunteered if you're scared of a little thing like that. ROMANA: I'm not scared, I'm just... Listen! (The Doctor can hear it too - footsteps.) DOCTOR: Let's hide. Hide... (He suddenly notes with a sinking feeling the freed locks all over the floor.) DOCTOR: The locks! ROMANA: We could explain, surely. DOCTOR: Oh, yes, we can explain! "Sorry old thing, we're just helping ourselves to your Crown Jewels!" (He scrambles to pick up the locks.) DOCTOR: They'd have our hands off before you could say "Rassilon's Rod." ROMANA: (whispering to herself) Rassilon's Rod? [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. CORRIDOR SHRIEVE #2: Fully down, Captain. (The Captain crosses back to the door...hesitates...) SHRIEVE #2: Something wrong, sir? (The Captain listens at the door.) CAPTAIN: Strange... [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. RELIC ROOM (The Doctor is still picking up locks.) DOCTOR: Of course, they might not chop our hands off - they might just feed us to the Shrivenzale. (Romana hears a noise at the door.) ROMANA: Someone's here! (They both take cover behind two sword-stands on either side of the door. Romana suddenly notices the wand - it's still on the floor! She gestures wildly to the Doctor. He rushes out of hiding, grabs it, and ducks back behind the stand. The door opens, and the Captain walks in flanked by the two guards. They kneel before the case, with the Captain holding out the sceptre.) CAPTAIN: We give thanks for the dawn of a new day. SHRIEVES: We give thanks. CAPTAIN: And the retreat of the night and the powers of darkness. SHRIEVES: We give thanks. (The Captain again prostrates himself before the case. He then stands and presents the sceptre to the guards.) CAPTAIN: Light the torch. (The first guard takes the sceptre and starts moving across the room, lighting up the electric torches with one touch of the sceptre. The Captain moves to the secret wall, looking it over carefully. Satisfied that all is in order, he returns to the first guard and accepts the sceptre from him. Garron walks in and bows before the case.) GARRON: (in his haughty voice) I give thanks for a safe journey. CAPTAIN: (blinks) You? Where are you from? GARRON: I am from the North, sir. Just arrived. CAPTAIN: The North, eh? Your pass. GARRON: Oh yes, yes, of course sir. (He pulls out the asked-for pass.) GARRON: This is for myself and my colleagues. (The Captain looks the small brown scroll over.) CAPTAIN: Purpose of your journey? GARRON: Trade, Captain. I am a merchant. (The Captain returns the scroll.) CAPTAIN: Rather you than me, sir. It's no pleasure crossing the tundra in the Ice Time. GARRON: I have a small favour to beg. CAPTAIN: Speak. GARRON: I am only in a modest way of business myself, but I have a colleague who is carrying a very substantial sum...in excess of a million gold opecs. CAPTAIN: A million? GARRON: More than a million. CAPTAIN: That could mean trouble. GARRON: My words exactly. I mean, it's putting temptation in the way of dishonest citizens. There's so much law... CAPTAIN: If word of that were to get out... GARRON: We could be murdered in our beds. Now, what I was thinking was, if you could persuade him to deposit the money in a safe place, such as here. CAPTAIN: Nowhere safer, that's for sure. (The Doctor's listening to this entire conversation from his hiding spot, and smirking at that last phrase.) GARRON: That's what I told him, sir. I mean, here it could be guarded by your men all day, your guards at arms, and by the beast at night along with the jewels and relics. What better security, I ask you. I mean, no one would DARE to try to steal in here, would they? CAPTAIN: As you say...no one WOULD dare. They know the penalties. GARRON: Well, what do you say Captain? Hmm? To avoid trouble? (The Captain thinks about it.) CAPTAIN: It's extremely irregular. This relic room is a holy place. GARRON: Well, naturally we would make a small contribution to the fund. Say...one hundred gold opecs? CAPTAIN: One hundred opecs? GARRON: Or even a thousand. I'd leave it to you of course to handle the, eh...paying in. CAPTAIN: And, uh...for how long would this money stay here? GARRON: Oh, only for a night or two. Maybe even as little as one night. (The Captain thinks about it some more.) CAPTAIN: Bring the money later. GARRON: (delighted) I am deeply obliged, Captain. Deeply obliged. I'll go and tell my colleague. (He bows and leaves. A moment later, the Captain walks out too. The two guards move to the back and start chatting about some of the relics. The Doctor and Romana decide now is an excellent time to sneak out of hiding and out of the room. They move from behind the stands, tiptoe to the door...and surprisingly, escape without any trouble at all.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. CASTLE - GRAFF'S SUITE (Sholakh helps the Graff pull on his fur coat. Garron walks in.) GARRON: I trust the Graff spent a comfortable night. Or as comfortable as these somewhat primitive conditions permit. GRAFF: I've slept in worse places. GARRON: Of course. Your Highness' frontier campaigns in the service of the Alliance are rightly famous. GRAFF: (outraged): ARE they indeed?! Well, the Alliance forgot them fast enough when I returned home to find my half-brother had claimed the Levithian throne!!! GARRON: (back pedals): Oh...I thought your Highness had appealed that matter to the High Court of the Selenic Empire. GRAFF: That appeal was rejected! After all I had done for the Alliance, not a word was said in my favour, not a single hand raised in my support!!SHOLAKH: Highness, it is not well to think of the past. There is still the future to make. GRAFF: Good advice Sholakh, as always. (The Graff sits.) GRAFF: So, Garron...we must talk of the future...in particular, this quite preposterous figure of ten million gold opecs. GARRON: I've already said that a close effort might be considered, Highness. Perhaps when I've shown you something of the planet... GRAFF: One moment. These conditions of sale - do you maintain that they're reasonable? [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. CORRIDOR (The Doctor and Romana are sitting by an open window of the castle. You can almost hear the gears spinning in the Doctor's mind. Romana sure can.) ROMANA: Doctor, let's forget this stranger and just concentrate on getting the first segment out of the strong room! We're wasting time! DOCTOR: Suppose he's after the same thing as we are. ROMANA: The crowns?!? DOCTOR: Don't jump to conclusions about anyone or anything. They lead you astray. ROMANA: (sarcastic) Ah. I'll try and remember that. DOCTOR: Good. And don't be sarcastic, either. That, of course, can get you into trouble. ROMANA: Well? DOCTOR: If he's after the same thing as we are, maybe he's got a plan to get it out of the room. ROMANA: Oh, so all we'd have to do is wait for him to get it. DOCTOR: Hmm. ROMANA: And then what? DOCTOR: On the other hand, he could just be an agent of the Black Gua... (WHOOPS!!! He slams his hand down on his mouth.) ROMANA: The what? DOCTOR: N-nothing. You're not supposed to know about that. ROMANA: About WHAT?!? DOCTOR: About nothing!! All you need to know is that there might be some competition in our search. ROMANA: I do wish you'd stop treating me like a child, Doctor. I'm nearly 140, you know. DOCTOR: (without even looking at her) Really? You're in wonderful condition. ROMANA: (shyly) Oh, thank you. (double takes) Wh-what competition?? DOCTOR: On the other hand, he might be just an innocent crook...it's fascinating, isn't it, don't you think? ROMANA: Yes... (At least (her expression says), she would think it if she could figure out what the Doctor's talking about.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. GRAFF'S SUITE GRAFF: Tell me, Garron, why IS Magellanic Mining selling this planet? GARRON: Highness, I'm only the agent. Some shortage of liquidity, perhaps? They merely require capital to finance some other object? (chuckles) Who can say? SHOLAKH: Yet they wish to retain the mineral rights in perpetuity. GARRON: Oh, that's a common condition in these cases. It can't possibly affect the Graff's enjoyment of the property. GRAFF: I think it could. GARRON: But Highness, a Grade 3 planet! The natives protect it! My clients can't possibly begin mining here - with all the importation of technology that would entail - until Ribos is accorded at least a Grade 2 status! SHOLAKH: When will that be? GARRON: As yet, they haven't even discovered the telescope. Many of the people believe that the planet is flat and if they walked far enough, they would fall off the edge. There's no chance of Ribos reaching Grade 2 for many thousands of years. GRAFF: (bitter) I see. GARRON: May you live a long life, Graff, but not THAT long. GRAFF: Sholakh... (He takes his fur-lined crown from Sholakh and his gloves.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. RELIC ROOM (Garron, the Graff and Sholakh look at the glass case and its many trinkets - including that funny blue rock. Both royal and bodyguard notice that one.) GARRON: Look at the workmanship. And all done by hand of course, using the simplest implements. There's a certain honest peasant artistry about these pieces that speaks of the soil, don't you think? SHOLAKH: (whispering) Highness...? GRAFF: (whispering) I've seen it. GARRON: Now, over here... GRAFF: Wait! This blue stone - it's what we call jethrik, isn't it? GARRON: Oh, I've no idea. Pretty though, whatever it is, hmm? Perhaps the guard can tell us something about it. (He waves over to a nearby guard.) GARRON: I say, um, fellow...that blue stone there...do you know anything about it? (The guard comes into our view, and - whatya know! It's our pal and Garron's, Unstoffe.) UNSTOFFE: Oh, that sir? Uh, that I do, that I do. That be what we call scringe stone, sir. GARRON: Scringe stone? Oh, how interesting. UNSTOFFE: You hangs a bit o' that around your neck, and you won't never suffer from the scringes no matter 'ow cold it be. (Garron frowns - Unstoffe's a mediocre thief, but an absolutely lousy actor.) UNSTOFFE: You'll just stay as supple and as fresh as a little old babbit in the Sun Time, sir, and that be a proven fact. GARRON: (as Unstoffe turns to go) Oh really? Oh, there's just one more thing - it's fairly common around these parts, I suppose? UNSTOFFE: Common, sir? GARRON: (speaking slowly to the nitwit) Yes, there's a lot of it about, isn't there? UNSTOFFE: Oh no, sir. No no no, I wouldn't say that. (Garron's ready to slug this idiot.) UNSTOFFE: Well, there used to be, y'see, but well, then they lost the secret o' the mine, sir. And well, that was three Ice Times ago. GRAFF: What do you mean, "lost the secret"? UNSTOFFE: Lost the secret of where it be, sir. Well, what they reckon was, one Ice Time, there was a glacier, see, and it moved all the rocks about. Well, ever since then, they've been a-searching and a-searching for that ol' mine but...well, I don't reckon that they'll ever find it now, sir. (The Doctor's wandered into the room during Unstoffe's little tall tale.) SHOLAKH: Even if the entrance has disappeared, surely they know the area to search. UNSTOFFE: Well, the trouble is sir...all the old miners is dead now, and there ain't be nothin' writ down in writing, well, 'cuz there weren't no scholars in them days. All they do know, sir, is that it's up in the Granite Mountains. GARRON: Oh, pay no heed to him - one knows how these fellows exaggerate. (Well, he sure knows how to grab an audience. Both the Doctor and Romana are hiding behind the glass case listening to all this.) UNSTOFFE: Oh no sir, no no, I know what I'm talking about. Y'see...(sobs theatrically) my...my poor old dad spent his life searching for that scringe stone mine. They've written as how he found it in the end...just afore he died. GRAFF: Where? UNSTOFFE: Well, er...they found him out in the tundra, sir, frozen stiff, his poor ol' pickax beside him, and that there bit o' scringe stone in his pocket. (Tough old Sholakh's eyes are misting up at this.) UNSTOFFE: An' that be as true as I'm stood standing here, sir. (Garron silently steps on Unstoffe's foot. Unstoffe winces.) GARRON: Incredible! SHOLAKH: (whispering to the Graff as Unstoffe's back is turned) The man's making it up, sir. GRAFF: No one jests with me, Sholakh. You know that. SHOLAKH: No, sir. And the jethrik is real enough. GRAFF: (aloud to Unstoffe) You say your father found this piece of..."scringe stone"? UNSTOFFE: Yessir, in his poor old frozen pocket, wrapped up in, uh...(pulls out something)...in this here bit of parchment. (The Graff unfolds and reads the parchment.) SHOLAKH: (excited) Looks like a rough map! (Unstoffe snatches back the parchment.) UNSTOFFE: That's what I reckon, sir. Maybe the next Sun Time, I might go looking for that scringe stone mine myself. (He puts it back in his pocket.) UNSTOFFE: Well, if you gentlemen will excuse me, I'm, uh...just going off duty. (He salutes and walks out. The Doctor and Romana choose that moment to get alongside Garron.) GARRON: I shouldn't take a word of that seriously. I know these fellows - they do like to pitch a yarn. (The Doctor gets their attention for the first time...) DOCTOR: Oh, I don't know. My friend and I couldn't help overhearing - (points) that's my friend Romana - and I thought it had the ring of truth. (to Romana) Do you think it had the ring of truth? ROMANA: Oh yes! And he had such a honest, open face. GARRON: Do you live in Shur? DOCTOR: No, we come from the North. (Garron's a bit thrown by this, but quickly recovers.) GARRON: I see. My friends are visitors here, too. GRAFF: It's time we were moving on, Garron. GARRON: Oh, you're quite right, there's such a lot to see! (to the Doctor) Well, I do hope you'll enjoy your first day in Shur. ROMANA: Thank you. GARRON: Well gentlemen, I'm with you. (The three walk out, leaving the Doctor and Romana in the room. The Doctor takes a glance at the case, and notices the blue rock for the first time.) DOCTOR: Incredible. ROMANA: What is? DOCTOR: That is. That is the biggest lump of jethrik I've ever set eyes on. ROMANA: Jethrik? But I thought he said it was... DOCTOR: I wonder if ol' Taffy knows the real value of it. "Scringe stone" found in a dead man's pocket? A lost mine? A phoney ma... are people still falling for that old guff? I mean are they? ROMANA: You mean you didn't believe his story? DOCTOR: No. ROMANA: But he had such an honest face. DOCTOR: Romana!! You can't be a successful crook with a DIShonest face, can you? ROMANA: Oh. [SCENE_BREAK] 14: EXT. CASTLE - GRAFF'S SUITE (The Graff sits.) GRAFF: Eight million opecs, Garron. That's my final word. GARRON: I'd have to put that to my clients. SHOLAKH: How long will that take? GARRON: I have a shuttle concealed near the city. As you appreciate, there can be no direct communication from here. I'd have to go to Stopras and contact my clients by hypercable. Say, three weeks to a month? GRAFF: Very well. GARRON: My clients will of course, I know, demand a deposit - say, two million opecs? GRAFF: A deposit?!? GARRON: Simply as a mark of good faith. GRAFF: Garon, I have made a firm offer!! I am a royal prince of the Great Selenic Empire. I do not go back on my word!! GARRON: Highness, believe me, if it was simply between us, a handshake would be sacred - a bond of honour. Unhappily, I know my clients will demand proof of a deposit. GRAFF: I don't carry such sums about with me. One million MAY be possible. GARRON: In your case, Highness, I'm sure one million will be acceptable. SHOLAKH: Uh, one moment. Do you propose to fly to Stopras with this deposit? GARRON: Oh ho ho, you are very prudent! You're thinking once this fellow gets his hands on the money, he might fail to come back. Might disappear into the blue, is that it? (Sholakh laughs.) SHOLAKH: Well, such things have been known. Though few men would be foolish enough to cross the Graff Vynda-K in such a matter. GARRON: No no no no. No one would ever dare. The money will be lodged here with the Captain of Shrievalty. It will be put in a place where nobody can touch it, guarded night and day. You need have no fear on that score. GRAFF: That sounds satisfactory. Sholakh, go to the ship and fetch the money. (Sholakh bows.) SHOLAKH: Highness.GARRON: I will come with you to the city wall. Highness. (They both leave. The Graff sighs, gets up, and walks over to the fire. He rubs his hands over the warmth and looks around at the fireplace. What's this? He reaches up into the flue, and pulls out something that shouldn't be in a medieval society - clearly an electronic surveillance bug. It hits him at once - Garron does indeed appear to be foolish enough to try crossing him. After a moment's thought, he sticks it back up in the flue. Maybe he can use this.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. CORRIDOR (Romana sits down as the Doctor carefully watches the ground, putting the tip of one shoe in front of the other as he walks.) ROMANA: I do wish you'd explain what's happening, Doctor. DOCTOR: You've got all the facts, don't you? ROMANA: (watching his drunk-test style walk) Oh, that's very helpful. DOCTOR: Nonsense. Good man for exercise, and you can be glad it doesn't do anything extraneously, surely. ROMANA: I will not give way to feelings of psychofeudal hostility. (The Doctor spins around and gets in her face.) DOCTOR: Hmm? What? ROMANA: We have a negative empathy, Doctor. DOCTOR: Splendid. Let's go. [SCENE_BREAK] 16: EXT. ICY FOREST / CASTLE GATE (Garron is finally doing what he wanted to do earlier - throttle poor ol' Unstoffe.) GARRON: (in his gutter voice) I think that I could strangle you, Unstoffe! UNSTOFFE: You are doing your part! Get your hands off!! (Garron finally unhands him.) GARRON: "Scringe stones," "lost mines." - I was sweating blood listening to that junk! UNSTOFFE: Well, I thought it was...original. GARRON: You thought WHAT?!? UNSTOFFE: Well, they loved that bit about my poor ol' dad finding the mine. GARRON: And that's another thing, you greedy little creep. If you're thinking of selling them that map, just forget it!! UNSTOFFE: A little extra never hurt! (Garron slams his hands together to make his point.) GARRON: Listen, this is a hit-and-run business - one bite and away. If you stick around and give the mark time to think, you're kaput. All you'll get is a big ball and chain around the ankle. UNSTOFFE: All right, Garron. I was just trying to display...initiative. (brightens) Hey...whatd'ya think o' the accent? GARRON: My past life flashed before my eyes, that's what I thought of it. This Graff's no softy - he's a big bad soldier - and if he rumbles that he's being conned, then you and I are gonna wind up very very... UNSTOFFE: Dead? GARRON: That's the word I was searching for. So remember it, m'boy. UNSTOFFE: In this matter, I'm in complete agreement with you Garron. How's it going? GARRON: Sholakh's fetching the money. One million. UNSTOFFE: Great! Hey look, he's gonna come back this way. Why don't we wait here and mug him? GARRON: Stick to the plan! Stick to what's decided! UNSTOFFE: Going through that beast again? Going down that shaft again? GARRON: Yes. Now it's time you go back to the city. We'll meet at the shaft again as arranged. UNSTOFFE: Right. (Unstoffe thinks of something.) UNSTOFFE: Hey, uh...have you noticed that big fellow, the one with the girl? GARRON: (frowns) I've been noticing him quite a lot lately. [SCENE_BREAK] 17: EXT. CASTLE TOWER (The Doctor pulls open the manhole to the Shrivenzale's lair as Romana watches.) DOCTOR: Here - the other way in. Look - marks of a grappling iron. ROMANA: Ahh. They must have used a rope ladder. DOCTOR: Yes. Garron and ol' Honest Face must have planted the jethrik in the cabinet last night. ROMANA: Why? DOCTOR: Because they're trying to sell the map of a nonexistent mine. ROMANA: That's no business of ours, Doctor. We've got more important things to do. (The Doctor closes the manhole.) DOCTOR: I agree. I wouldn't dream of interfering. (A low growl from the Shrivenzale below.) ROMANA: How did they get past THAT? DOCTOR: They drugged it. (leans in close) Otherwise, you and I wouldn't have been here now, eh? ROMANA: (nods) Ah. DOCTOR: What do we do next? (He holds up a hand before Romana can speak.) DOCTOR: No, I'll tell you, I'll tell you. They've got to come back for the jethrik and the gold, all right? Now, when they DO come back... ROMANA: ...we'll be here waiting for them! DOCTOR: (delighted) Right!! [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. GRAFF'S SUITE (Sholakh enters the room.) SHOLAKH: Highness... (The Graff is still by the fireplace, and he shushes Sholakh before he can speak. He pulls out the bug and shows it to him. No words need be said. He sticks it back in the fireplace and drags Sholakh out the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. CORRIDOR SHOLAKH: It is not part of this world, Highness. GRAFF: Garron must've planted it. SHOLAKH: To spy on us? Why? GRAFF: Perhaps to learn how much I was willing to pay, or per...(grim) perhaps he is not what he seems. SHOLAKH: In what way, Highness? GRAFF: I've been thinking about that guard. SHOLAKH: Heh. The one whose father found the jethrik? GRAFF: Yes. Remarkable coincidence, Sholakh...perhaps too remarkable to be believable. SHOLAKH: But Highness, that piece of jethrik... GRAFF: Yes? SHOLAKH: Well, it's the biggest piece I've ever seen. I mean, there must be enough of that to power an entire battle fleet for a complete campaign. GRAFF: (ominously calm) Oh yes. Enough to make a man rich beyond the dreams of avarice. SHOLAKH: Far beyond, Highness. Therefore... GRAFF: Therefore, he cannot be aware of its true value. SHOLAKH: What are the Graff's wishes? GRAFF: Keep a careful watch on Garron. He may know a genuine source of jethrik. If he's not - if he's playing me false - he will die. [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. RELIC ROOM (The Graff and Sholakh enter the trophy room, followed by haughty-voiced Garron. Garron moves immediately to the Captain at the back of the room.) GARRON: Ah, here we are. Sorry to have kept you. CAPTAIN: You have the money? GARRON: Gold coinage to the value of one million opecs in waiting. (The Captain gestures to the cabinet.) CAPTAIN: In here. (Garron takes a hefty black bag from Sholakh and places it in the cabinet. The Captain shuts it.) SHOLAKH: Don't you wish to count it? CAPTAIN: I have no time - nor have you. GARRON: The Captain is doing us a favour by seeing that the money is in safe custody. Now, if you will kindly give me a receipt. CAPTAIN: A what? (Garron pull out a paper.) GARRON: Your signature on this, please. My friend may have to prove that he has money at his disposal. (He notices the ring of keys in the Captain's hand.) GARRON: I'll hold those, shall I? (He takes them.) GARRON: My back? (The Captain signs the paper on Garron's back.) CAPTAIN: There you are. GARRON: Ah, wonderful. (He takes the paper, gives back the keys.) GARRON: Sorry to have kept you. CAPTAIN: I have to lock up now and set the Shrivenzale free. GARRON: Oh, a most interesting evening ceremony there, sir. I don't know if my friends from the North would care to watch. GRAFF: I'm afraid we shall have to hurry if we are to be in our quarters before curfew. GARRON: Well...dear Captain, perhaps some other time, hmm? Good night. (The Graff, Sholakh and Garron leave the trophy room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: EXT. CASTLE TOWER - NIGHT (The grand plan is implemented. As Garron watches, Unstoffe opens the manhole and flings the drugged meat down.) GARRON: (gutter voice) It'll be easier this time. UNSTOFFE: Well, you go then! (Off to the far side, unnoticed, the Doctor and Romana watch.) DOCTOR: (whispering) Stay here and watch them. ROMANA: Where are you going? DOCTOR: I'm going to try and get down there before them. (He rushes down the stairway. Garron hands something over to Unstoffe.) GARRON: The key. UNSTOFFE: You're sure he didn't miss it? GARRON: He's got a dozen that size. Now, it's time you went. UNSTOFFE: Well, I hope this is the right one. GARRON: Why can't you have a little faith, m'boy? I've been palming keys since before you were born. Down you go. (Unstoffe begins climbing down the rope ladder toward the Shrivenzale lair...and bounds back up as the beast roars loudly.) UNSTOFFE: Couldn't we wait just a little bit longer? GARRON: Why? UNSTOFFE: You haven't seen the size of that thing's teeth! [SCENE_BREAK] 22: EXT. CORRIDOR (Once again, the guard is dozing by the trophy room. The Doctor tiptoes up past him...but the Shrieve jumps up...) SHRIEVE: HALT!! DOCTOR: What?!? What... SHRIEVE: Who are you? What are you doing out after curfew? DOCTOR: I couldn't sleep either. SHRIEVE: Stay where you are. (He yanks a whistle from a chain on his shirt. The Doctor grabs it before the guard can blow on it.) DOCTOR: What? No, please. Please don't blow that. You'll wake everybody up. SHRIEVE: I'm calling the watch. Nobody's allowed up after curfew without permission from the Captain. DOCTOR: Ohhh...permission. Permission? I've got permission. Want to see my permission? SHRIEVE: Come on, then. No tricks. DOCTOR: Tricks? Oh, dear chap... (The Doctor digs into his pocket, and pulls out...) DOCTOR: My dear, look. Lookee here. (...a golden watch on a chain, which he begins swinging in front of the guard's face.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. RELIC ROOM (Unstoffe, now in his usual thief clothes, crawls out from under the half-opened secret door. Bag in hand, he moves to the case and pulls out his cutting gear. He begins sawing into the case.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. CORRIDOR (The guard is getting quite sleepy under the Doctor's hypnotic spell.) DOCTOR: Your eyes are closing. Sit down. Closing... (The guard slumps in his place, his eyes closing.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. RELIC ROOM (Unstoffe yanks the jethrik out of the case.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. CORRIDOR (The guard's almost completely out.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. RELIC ROOM (Unstoffe unlocks the cabinet and pulls out the sack of money.) [SCENE_BREAK] 28: INT. CORRIDOR (With the guard snoozing, the Doctor unbars the door to the trophy room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 29: INT. RELIC ROOM (Unstoffe hears the noise. Snatching up his ill-gotten gains, he ducks behind the sword stand as the Doctor comes in. The Doctor takes in the open case - giving Unstoffe the chance to run into the corridor. The Doctor turns, rushes after him. Unstoffe slams the door in his face...) [SCENE_BREAK] 30: INT. CORRIDOR (...bars it, and takes off down the corridor. The guard is jolted awake. He blows his whistle frantically.) [SCENE_BREAK] 31: INT. RELIC ROOM (The Doctor hears the whistle, realizes he's in deep trouble and heads to the secret door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 32: EXT. CASTLE TOWER (Garron also hears the whistle.) GARRON: Hurry, Unstoffe! What went wrong? (The Doctor pops up out of the manhole.) DOCTOR: Don't move!! We've got you covered!! (Nice idea, except the Doctor's facing the wrong way.) GARRON: Who's got me covered? ROMANA: We have!! (Garron jumps in shock, as the Doctor turns to face him.) DOCTOR: Stand up. STAND UP!! (Garron stands up, hands in the air.) GARRON: All right, officer - I'll come quietly. (Garron holds out his hands to be cuffed. The Doctor shakes them.) DOCTOR: That's very wise of you. [SCENE_BREAK] 33: EXT. CASTLE FOYER (The Graff, Sholakh and the armour-bound bodyguards stand beside the TARDIS.) GARRON: (out of view, approaching) Where are we going? DOCTOR: (approaching) Oh, I've just got a few loose ends to tie up. (The Doctor and Romana walk up to the Graff, dragging Garron with them. They're a bit surprised at the welcome wagon, though.) GARRON: Graff... GRAFF: You look surprised, Garron. But as you see, you were expected. You and your accomplices. NO one makes a fool of the Graff Vynda-K and lives. Sholakh... SHOLAKH: Highness? GRAFF: EXECUTE THEM!!! (The guards surround the startled trio.) SHOLAKH: Guards, take aim... [SCENE_BREAK] Cue Doctor Who theme playing over energy whirlpool.	Plan: A: Garron's activities; Q: What do the Doctor and Romana investigate? A: the Graff; Q: Who believes the Doctor and Romana are working together? Summary: The Doctor and Romana investigate Garron's activities but this results in the Graff believing they are working together.
Tripper: If there's one thing soldiers hate, it's private contractors, especially ones that are bespectacled, naturally large breasted, or Jewish. But as long as you are on this base, you will conduct yourselves in a manner that is befitting the U.S. military. Sy: Listen up, everybody. Levon Bainter is coming here to review our clinic. Owen: Who's Levon Bainter? Dori: Only the military's biggest medical critic. One good review from him in Army Base Monthly and we will be flown to the White House... business class! Glenn: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Look at that. Who's a couple of businessmen flying business class? Dori: Excuse me? If Bainter trashes us, we will be shut down and flown home... coach class. Middle seats. Owen: Ah. Middle seats, surrounded by people. Glenn: [ Chuckles ] 5.09 - Wine Tasting Chief: Ah-ha! My copy of Wine Lover Magazine. Thank you. Valerie: Oh, my God. When you're done with that, can I see it? I'm so curious about the new rieslings from Harbor Vineyards. Chief: How about those pinot gris? Valerie: [ Sighs ] Sy: What are you talking about? Chief: If you must know, Sy, Valerie and I have taken an interest in fine wines, and we're really kind of heavily into it. You making fun of it like this hurts our feelings. Valerie: Your tone when you said, "What are you guys talking about?" really makes us feel like you don't take our non-work interests seriously. Sy: All right. I hear you. You've made a point. How about if we have a wine tasting right here on the base? Chief: Okay, this is exactly what we were talking about. You offer us a wine tasting, and yet literally no mention of who's gonna pay for it. Valerie: I don't think this is fixable. Sy: You girls set it up, and I am gonna pay for it. Chief: Okay. I guess I'm finally starting to feel heard. Owen: I'll see you man. I got the rest of the day off. Glenn: Oh, hey, Owen. Uh, I was thinking about going to play some golf with my girlfriend's dad today. Can you cover for me? Owen: Oh, I'd love to, but you're a plastic surgeon and I'm a cardiologist. We could get in big trouble. Glenn: Yeah. You're right. I suppose I could just reschedule, you know? [ Chuckles ] Not worth the hassle. Unless... We have a 3-D printer here for burn victims that generates a silicon veneer that looks exactly like skin. Owen: Like what? Glenn: Like skin. Now, what if we just make a few adjustments to it? We can graft one person's face onto another person's face. Owen: Great idea. Then I can finally get the face of Tilda Swinton. Glenn: That's right. But I'm saying today, you could look exactly like me. Owen: Oh. Okay. Glenn: But you'd have to act exactly like me to fool everyone. Owen: I don't see any big issues with this at all. Let's do it. Glenn: [ Chuckling ] Okay. Great! And at this point, you should start to feel a little drowsy. Owen: Glenn, I just want to double check in case I get stuck looking like you. It's pretty fun to be Jewish, right? Glenn: No. We hate ourselves. Let's see our work. Take a look. [ Chuckles ] Amazing, right? Owen: Wow. Amazing. Glenn: And this vocoder box will process your voice to match my pitch. Talk. Owen: Testing. [ Clears throat ] Testing. [ Feedback ] [ Echoing ] Testing. [ Glenn's voice ] Testing. Owen: I'm Dr. Glenn Richie. I'm Jewish, and... That's the main thing about me. Glenn: All right, buddy. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. And now off to hit the links. Owen: Okay. Sal: Attention, staff. I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I fall down. Scratch that. I'm an alcoholic. That is all. Valerie: [ Sighs ] Hey, Glenn. Glenn? Owen: Oh, hi. Yeah. That's me. I'm Glenn. [ Chuckles ] Valerie: Get ready to sample some hot varietals tonight! Chief: Oh. [ Laughs ] Get me tipsy enough, I might start giving out a different kind of sample. [ Chuckles ] Too soon? Valerie: Just slightly unclear. Chief: Oh, Glenn. Glenn. Owen: Yeah. Chief: Uh, what kind of cheese would you like tonight at the wine tasting? Owen: Uh...You're asking me... you're asking me, Glenn, what kind of cheese that I would like... Glenn would like... I would like, Glenn? Chief: Yes. Owen: Sharp cheddar. Chief: You got it, buddy. Owen: Yep. [ Sighs ] Pick up. Glenn: What do you want? I'm in the middle of playing golf! Owen: Glenn, Chief just asked me what your favorite cheese was, and I-I choked, buddy. I told her what my favorite cheese was. I told her sharp cheddar. Glenn: I like mild cheddar, you idiot! You're gonna get us caught. Oh! Chief: Thank you all for coming to... [ Siren wails ] Childrens Hos-bottles of Wine celebration. [ Tires screech ] Val and I have worked very hard on this event. We're really... I have an eight year old with a third-stage intestinal atresia. Who's on call and qualified to perform an emergency laparostomy? Sy: Well, aside from Owen, who's not here, the only people qualified to do something that delicate are Chief and Dr. Flame. Valerie: Oh! Chief: Well, well, well. I guess this worked out pretty perfectly for your little agenda, didn't it, Sy? Valerie: Yeah, Sy. What'll it take for you to take our momentary interest in wine seriously? Chief: What'll it take?! What will it take? Valerie: What? Chief: What? Valerie: [ Spits ] Sy: Okay, I'll tell you what. I'm gonna move the bottles into the O.R. We're gonna have the wine tasting during the operation. Valerie: Wow. Chief: A day late, and a dollar short. Valerie: That was difficult. Dori: I completely understand what you're talking about now. Chief: Right? I mean, like... Dori: It is disgusting. Valerie: And she's out. Very good. Scalpel number 23, please. Chief: Number 23. It was a very good year. All right. Dr. Flame is making the incision, and at this point, I think we can open the Sancerre. [SCENE_BREAK] Owen: You know, this wine would go great with my favorite cheese, sharp cheddar. Mi... mild cheddar. Mild cheddar. Excuse me. Nurse, is this the pediatric clinic? Dori: Levon Bainter. Uh, w-we weren't expecting you until tomorrow. Nurse apparently doesn't know how to use a calendar. Hate her voice. Hate her haircut. Hate her shirt. Dori: No, no. No. No. No, no, no, sir! Chief: [ Laughs ] Valerie: Mm. [ Clamps clatter ] Whoops! Okay, so, this is from Australia. G'day, mate. Valerie: Hey, we should get some tunes going. Chief: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Glenn, sing one of your old-timey sing-along songs. Oh! "Camptown Races"! Owen: How about some other time? [ All jeer ] Just sing the first line, Glenn. Valerie: Yeah. Chief: Please? [ All chanting] Camptown! Camptown! Owen: Okay, yeah, sure. [ Chuckles ] Just give me one second. [ Chanting continues ] [ Cellphone beeps ] Glenn: What is it, Owen? I'm having a schvitz with my lady's old man. Owen: They want me to sing the first line to "Camptown Races," and I don't know the words. Glenn: Okay. ♪ The Camptown ladies sing this song ♪ ♪ Doo-dah, doo-dah ♪ Owen: Well, how am I supposed to remember that? Glenn: Okay, okay, don't panic. Just open your mouth and mime singing and put the phone on speaker and hold it nonchalantly near your head. Owen: Great idea. Okay. Here goes. Uh... Glenn: Okay, count it off. Owen: 1, 2, 3, go. Glenn: ♪ The Camptown ladies sing this song ♪ ♪ Doo-dah, doo-dah ♪ Chief: Aah! Yeah! Chief: Yeah, doo-dah! Doo-dah! Owen: It worked! Glenn: Yes! Okay. Just don't blow our cover, all right? I'm having the perfect day. Owen: Continue having a great day. [ Cellphone beeps ] Glenn: I really am. It's just... it's been a wonderful day. Chief: ♪ The Camptown ladies sing this song ♪ Valerie: Oh, guys. Guys, guys, guys. We've been injecting the patient with red wine instead of blood. No wonder I can't get a buzz on. Loud voices coming from the O.R.? Dori: No, no, no, no! No, no! Wait. Um, um, before, um, you go in there maybe we should, uh... get to know each other better. Shameless attempt to distract this reviewer. Futile. Dori: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Revise that. This reviewer is slightly distracted now, somewhat interested, thinking of his wife. Are there moral consequences for our actions? Is monogamy even natural, fertility outdated? Thinking of... hearing mother's voice. Losing erection. Dori: Oh, no, no, no. Not worth it. Into the O.R. [ Indistinct conversation ] What is going on here? Dori: I'm so sorry. I did everything I could to stop him, even the "boob out of the scrubs" routine. Do I smell a 1991 Sempia Bordeaux? Sy: No. Are you doing a wine tasting in the middle of an operation? Sy: It's my fault, sir. Valerie: Oh, finally, you admit it. Was that so hard? This is fantastic. Sy: What? Wine loosens the senses. It releases the inhibitions. I do my best writing when I'm wasted. I'm drunk right now. Sempia me, please? Sy: Yes. Valerie: Ohh... Valerie: We nicked her vesica. [ Heart monitor beeps rapidly ] Chief: [ Groans ] Stop the blood! Valerie: I don't want to do this anymore. Valerie: Let's play light as a feather, stiff as a board. Owen: All you have to do is clamp it. Sy: A show of hands... Does anybody know what they're doing here? Well, I'm sure there's somebody who can do the operation. Sy: Well, there is one doctor, Dr. Owen Maestro, but he's on a day off. Glenn: I'll do it. Sy: No, Glenn. You can't do it. You're a plastic surgeon. Now wait a minute. I'm gonna call Owen on his phone. [ Cellphone ringing ] What is that? [ Ringing continues ] Owen: It's Owen's phone, a.k.a. my phone because, you see... [ Grunts ] I'm Dr. Owen Maestro. [ Clears throat ] [ Normal voice ] I am Dr. Owen Maestro, certified in "laparostomy" and in an enormous amount of pain in my face area right now. Sy: You changed places with Glenn in order to do an unauthorized shift switch? Owen: I had to. Glenn needed this day off for a reason that I can't remember right now. I'll face the consequences later but right now, a child is suffering. Clamp! I need a clamp! Dori: Clamp! Owen: A clamp. Dori: Okay, okay, I'm getting it. Sy: Is that it? [ Heart monitor flatlining ] Owen: Done. [ Heart monitor beeping ] Cheese and cracker. Cheese and cracker! Dori: Okay, here. Sal: Attention, staff. This might be the wine talking, but I love living in a bottle until I get poured. That is all. Sy: Yes, yes, Owen. You did save that girl's life. But you did pose as another physician. That is a felony. Glenn: Hey. What's going on, guys? Owen: You missed a lot, buddy, but long story short, looks like we're both going to jail. Glenn: Ah, figures. [ Mid-tempo music plays ] Sal: Attention, staff. I'm not as think as you drunk I am. All I had was ti mar-two-nis.	Plan: A: Sy; Q: Who arranges a wine tasting for Valerie and Chief? A: the hospital; Q: Where does Sy arrange a wine tasting for Valerie and Chief? A: Owen; Q: Who poses as Glenn? A: Glenn thanks; Q: What does Owen pose as? A: an unconventional plan; Q: How does Owen pose as Glenn? A: Levon Bainter; Q: Who is the hospital reviewer? Summary: Sy arranges a wine tasting at the hospital for Valerie and Chief, while Owen poses as Glenn thanks to an unconventional plan. But what will hospital reviewer Levon Bainter think of all this?
PREVIOUSLY Jenny. meeting Asher, : What's the one thing that no one in our group has? I mean, not even Blair? A boyfriend. Jenny: I met this really nice guy, and I'm supposed to meet him in the park for lunch tomorrow. Rufus: ...You're not old enough to date. Asher, at the door: Name's Asher, and I do go to Unity. Lily, cooking with Rufus: He's been staying at the Ostroff Center. Rufus: It's depression? Is it bad? Lily: Bad enough to try to kill himself... Constance Billard Serena: Oh my God, Georgina. What are you doing here? Georgina: Well, I told you I was coming. Didn't you get my gifts? Chuck: What's Georgina got on you? Dan I understand. What's so bad you can't even tell me? Georgina: So... tell me about Dan. Serena: Dan of all people cannot know Georgie. Central Park Georgina: Um, I'm Sarah. Dan: Nice to meet you, Sarah. Gossip Girl: "And who am I? That's a secret I'll never tell. You know you love me. XOXO, Gossip Girl." MOMA Steps Gossip Girl: "Spotted: Jenny Humphrey wading in the Met fountain, fishing for change... Blair Waldorf, seen dallying with an off-duty doorman at the Blarney Stone on a Monday night. It looks like the battle Between the Queen B and Little J has moved from the streets to the blogs. Who's sending this debasing dish? I have a feeling..." Blair: A nice, shiny dime to add to your collection? Jenny: Why the fruit cup, B? Lost your taste for yogurt? Blair: ... So what are we doing tonight? Penelope: Asher's parents are in Cannes, so he and Jenny are throwing a party at his house. Jenny: It's a really small get-together with just our closest friends. Sorry, Blair. Nelly Yuki: Blair can take my place. Jenny, to Nelly Yuki: Invitations are nontransferable. (to Blair) She's new to the group. Blair: Just because your name's on the invite doesn't make you a hostess. Jenny, answering phone: Oh? Then why is the party planner calling me? Excuse me, girls. Aside Jenny: Hey Dad? I'm kinda busy. What's up? Rufus, reading her evite from her laptop: I was just wondering what time you want me to serve your favorite home-cooked meal tonight. Maybe around eight? Jenny: Oh, um, I have that choir thing. Remember, I talked to you about it, and you said I could go 'cause I've been good? Rufus: Oh, right. Well, maybe we could wait to eat till after you got home then. You're gonna be hungry after all that singing. Jenny, hanging up: Yeah, well, I mean, they have food there, and it's probably gonna go pretty late. So, um... tomorrow? 'Kay, love you. Rufus: Love you, too... Steps Jenny: Sorry. Floral emergency. Oh, and you will be happy to know that the entire Unity Lacrosse team RSVP'd. Penelope: Oh my God, it's Asher. Jenny, dragging the girls off: Let's go say hi. Blair: How did little Jenny Humphrey become the next Brooke Astor? Isabel: The same way they all do. Nelly Yuki: Marry up. Walking to school from the Palace Serena: Hey, why the long face? Are you still sad Mom wouldn't let you go to Monte Carlo for the bachelor party? Eric: No, I'm fine, I figured I'd let Bart, Chuck and Prince Albert have their fun... Oh, that didn't come out like I meant it. (Checking phone) Um... Gossip Girl. Looks like Jenny's been spotted at Gap sewing Stella McCartney labels into pocket tees. Serena: These rumors are getting to be ridiculous. Eric: Oh, like the one where I'm Gossip Girl? Serena: Hey, it made sense at the time. Eric: It never made any sense. Serena: Yeah, it did! Eric: No, it didn't. Serena, phone ringing: Wait, hold on. It's Chuck. Eric: I have something to do before school starts, but tell him I say hi? Serena: Okay. Don't forget about dinner tonight. Eric: Yeah. Serena: Salut, Chuck. Yes, I'm still fine. I haven't heard from Georgina in two weeks. So if you'd stop calling me, I'd finally be rid of all of my monsters. Bye. Coffeeshop Vanessa: You can read about it all day long, but you have to walk the city to know it. Georgina: Okay, but look, anything is better than getting lost on the train every day. Vanessa: Subway. Click those heels all you want, you're not in Portland anymore. Georgina: Seriously, you and Dan are so sweet to adopt me. I-I'd be a mess without you guys. Well, more of a mess than I already am. Vanessa: Red-eye to go? Dan, in a hurry: Yes, please. Thank you. Hey, Sarah. Sorry for talking your ear off the other night, guys. Vanessa: He tends to ramble, as you'll get to know. Dan: Yeah. Georgina: Well, I'm a good listener, as he'll get to know. Are there any new developments? Dan: Uh, no. No, more of the same. Jenny and her boyfriend are still inseparable, and she's even more insufferable. Vanessa: Give her a break. Asher's her first love. Dan: It's infatuation. It's not love. Georgina: Yeah, but to a fifteen-year-old girl, I mean, there really isn't a difference. Vanessa: And how long did it take you, Dan? Dan: Um, that's a little different, Vanessa. It took me... Vanessa: Uh, one glance at a ninth grade birthday party? Dan: Yes, but two years to obsess over it. Georgina: So things are better with...Serena? Dan: Serena. Yeah. Yeah, good memory. Right. Things are finally back to normal. Georgina: Good. Well, I mean... You know, it's tough making friends in a new city. It'd be really nice to meet her. Dan: Yeah, Serena would love you. She loves everybody. Not that she would only like you Because she doesn't discriminate. Um... ahem. See what she meant about that rambling thing? How's tonight? Georgina: Tonight would be perfect. Dan: Good. See you. Constance Billard (Asher and Jenny mack, while the girls watch. Eric is in the shadows. When Asher leaves, the girls all giggle and squeal, and Eric approaches.) Jenny: ...Oh, my God! He's so cute! Eric: Hey, can I talk to you for a minute? Jenny: Sure. Is something wrong? Eric: That's what I was gonna ask you. Where have you been lately? You haven't returned any of my calls. Jenny: Sorry. It's been harder than I thought to keep up with schoolwork, and the new spring social calendar, and my new boyfriend... Eric: Yeah. Asher, right? Jenny: Yeah. He's cute and smart and basically perfect, and the best part is I think he really likes me. Eric: Well, then he has good taste. But... how well do you actually know him? Jenny: Oh, that's so sweet. You're being protective. Eric: No, I'm not. But... yes. Yes, I am. I've got nothing against him. I just... Something about him makes me feel maybe he's not the right guy for you. Jenny: Oh my God. Wait. Do you have a crush on me or something? Eric: No, I don't. I just want ... Jenny, running off: Don't be embarrassed. It's cute. I mean, and not so unexpected, actually. I'm flattered. It's just... My heart belongs to Asher. I actually gotta go, but, um, text me, 'kay? Eric: Oh. Bye. Constance Billard Serena, kissing Dan: What? You're here! Mmm, and you're late. Dan: I know. I come bearing apologies and an invitation. What are you up to tonight? Serena: I know what I'm not up to. Having fun. The SAT tutor was over for four hours last night. Dan: Mm. So this tutor, is he... Is he cute? Serena: Mm, well, if hair in the ear is your thing... I hate that since I'm not gonna use the score Chuck bought for me, I have to study every night. I can't even be distracted by ... that... Mmm. That. Dan, kissing her: I see your point. So then how about, um, dinner tonight with Sarah instead? Serena: Oh, Sarah again. What is she, your new girlfriend or something? Dan: Yeah. Just kidding. But she's new in town, and she does want to meet you. Serena: Well, since Bart and Chuck are out of town, I already agreed to a quiet family dinner in our old suite. I'm sorry. What about tomorrow? Dan, distracted by Jenny and Asher making out in the courtyard: ...No, my... My sister and tongue. The two things that don't go together so well. Serena: Oh! Lighten up. You have been down on him since the beginning. Give him a chance and then judge. Maybe he'll surprise you, like I did. Dan: How are you always so right? Serena: It's easy when you're always wrong. Hey, you got first period free. Why don't you go get to know him? Go! Dan: Okay. Okay. All right, okay. (Stalker Georgina watches from across the street as Dan leaves Constance, texting her that Serena can't do dinner. They both spot Asher making out with a St. Jude's boy. Dan hides once Asher kisses him and heads toward his own school, and the other boy vanishes, but Georgina saw them both.) Gossip Girl: "And the only thing more shocking than the truth ... are the lies people tell to cover it up." Outside the Palace, heading toward the towncar Lily, to Claudette: When you revise the seating chart, don't forget to place Mr. Spitzer as far away from Serena's table as possible. Thank you. Ugh. What is not on the schedule today? Rufus: I don't think I am. Maybe you could fit me in between Preston Bailey and Sylvia Weinstock? Lily: Well, good luck fitting anything between those two. What... What are you doing here? Rufus: Well, believe it or not, I'm here to see you. Lily: Well, I have a laundry list of things to do today... Rufus: -- It's about Jenny. Alison's away on an artists' retreat, and I could really use a mother's advice. I think I might be in over my head. Lily: I suppose we could talk about it on the way. Unity Courtyard (Asher's messing around with his lacrosse buddies as Dan approaches.) Dan: Hey, Asher. How's it going? You got a minute? Asher: Yeah. Uh, but just a minute. Jenny and I have a lunch date. Dan: Well, look, there's no easy way to say this, honestly, so I'm just gonna... I'm just gonna say it. I-I, uh, saw you this morning. Asher: Saw me what? Dan: I saw you... you know, I saw you kissing that guy. Asher: You got the wrong person. Dan: Come on, man. I-I-I don't think I do. Asher: Are you calling me queer? Dan: That's... not at all what I said. Asher, getting in his face: You wanna know how queer I am? I'm so queer, I'm gonna pop your sister's cherry tonight. Dan, attacking: Hey! What'd you say?! Jenny, appearing: What are you doing? Stop it! Dan: Jenny, I need to talk to you in private. Jenny: Well, anything you have to say to me, you can say in front of my boyfriend. Dan: Okay. All right, fine. Your boyfriend is not being honest with you. Asher: I wasn't gonna tell you yet, but I... Wanted to invite you to the country house this weekend. Your brother thought we were moving too fast and got upset. Jenny: Dan, can't you just let me be happy for once? Dan: Jenny, I want you to be happy. Just not with a guy who-- Jenny: Yeah, I understand that you're threatened by him, because clearly he's everything you wanna be. He's good-looking and worldly, a legacy at Dartmouth. But even you should know that jealousy clashes with LL Bean pants. Lunch on the steps Serena: It's a snub from one party, B. Plus what's the big deal anyway? You don't even like Asher. Blair: I didn't like last season's Louis Vuitton patchwork bag either, but that doesn't mean I want to see it all over town on Jenny Humphrey's arm. Serena: Touché. Blair: What do you say we have a girls' night out tonight? Serena: Oh, I'm sorry. I can't. I have dinner with the family. Blair: Let me remind you of a little promise you made. "Don't go to France. I'll be there for you." Serena: I'm really sorry I've been distant, but things will be better soon, I promise. Blair: Obviously starting tomorrow... (Dan comes running over and kisses her, looking distraught.) Dan: Hey. Serena: Hey. What's wrong? You look stressed, even for you. Dan: I'm still worried about Jenny. Blair: You mean because she's self-obsessed, self-serving, self-centered, self... Dan: No. No, I wish it was about her and her ... self ... But it's more about who she's with. I can't get through to her. I tried, and she just completely blew me off. And she dissed my pants. Blair: Maybe I underestimated her. Serena: She's just going through a phase. We all went through it. (To Blair) ...And apparently, some of us still are in it... Blair: All that matters to someone like Jenny right now are the four Gs: Guys, Girlfriends and Gossip Girl. Serena: It's true. Don't feel bad. Unless it's coming from one of them, she's not gonna hear it. (Dan has a horrible plan.) Jewelry store Man, offering white wine: Here we go. Rufus: Ah, thank you. I tell her she can't see Asher, she calls him. I take away her phone, they're on iChat. How do you keep them from growing up when they can have a full relationship from the confines of their own bedrooms? Lily: Well, the answer is you can't. She's gonna grow up no matter what. Rufus: I read her e-mail. Lily: Well, you can't be too concerned about their privacy when their well-being is at stake, especially if you think they're lying to you. Was she? Rufus: Right to my face. I know Serena went through a similar phase... Lily: Well, if Serena's indiscretions were as PG as Jenny's, I wouldn't have needed the Botox. Rufus: Dan was so much easier. Lily: Well, raising girls is different. Serena would be a horrible monster for a hundred days, and then on the hundred and first, she'd be my little girl again. Rufus: So I just wait and hope, huh? Lily: Well, that's the hardest part. You have to trust that you've done your job. She'll come back to you. (Distracting herself with a diamond bracelet) That's... Rufus: It's perfect. Lily: Beautiful. Man: It's my finest piece. Rufus, putting it on her: Here. Let me. Lily: Mark Ingram, it's beautiful. You've outdone yourself. Oh, wow. Constance Billard The girls make their way down the hall, reading Gossip Girl. Gossip Girl: "This just in: Asher Hornsby spotted locking lips before class... But not with his girlfriend. Looks like gentlemen don't prefer blondes, Little J. They prefer other gentlemen." Hazel, laughing: Now you know how Vanessa Hudgens feels. Gossip Girl: "Is this just another round of blanks fired between B and Little J? I'm tired of being the bearer of bad grudges. This is the last item that goes to press without proof." Isabel: I'm so glad Gossip Girl finally got her balls back. Penelope: Yeah, she was totally turning into the new Page Six. (Blair runs into them coming the other way.) Jenny: Low blow. Blair: Wasn't me. Wish it was! Constance Courtyard Serena, answering phone: Hello? Luke: Miss van der Woodsen? It's Luke from the concierge's desk. You asked that we call first before delivering anything upstairs? Serena: Is there something for me? Luke: Yes, a package from a Miss Georgina Sparks... Hello? Did I lose you? Serena: Uh, no. Uh, just keep it there. I'll pick it up right after school. And don't let it out of your sight. Luke: Of course. Serena: Thank you. Dan, appearing: What was that about? Serena, distracted: Nothing. It's just this... Nothing. I'll see you later, okay? Bye. Dan: Bye. Hey... Serena, leaving: Hey, B. (Serena leaves and Blair confronts Dan.) Blair: Dan Humphrey. Just who I hate to admit I was looking for. You're dirty! Dan: Wha... Uh, what are you talking about? Blair: Cheating, drinking, drugs, It's all fair game. But outing your sister's boyfriend is dark. How did squeaky-clean Humphrey even come up with that? Dan: I didn't come up with anything. Blair: Oh my God, you know something. Spill it. Dan: Yeah, I might have seen Asher kissing another guy. Blair: So it's true? Who was he kissing? Dan: I don't know. I don't... I don't know. I couldn't see. But what does that even matter? Blair: Right now Gossip Girl's credibility is the same as Tinsley Mortimer's after a few martinis. But if I can prove that his duplicity is more than just a rumor, then they'll break up. That's what you want, isn't it? Dan: Well yeah, I guess. Yeah... Blair: Asher's just using your sister as a cover. It's your brotherly duty to save her from becoming the next Katie Holmes. Dan: And you're in this to help Jenny? Blair: Motive is irrelevant as long as our endgame is the same. Dan: No, Blair, this is not a game to me, okay? I don't want her to get hurt. Blair: Well, you should've thought that through before you told all of Manhattan that Jenny's a glorified hag. Dan, leaving in a huff: You know what? I... You're on your own. I'm done. Blair: Suit yourself. Bridal shop (Lily tries on dresses behind the curtain.) Lily: Really, Rufus. What were you thinking? You threw her a surprise birthday party and had her face painted on a cake? With a tiara? Rufus: It seemed like a good idea at the time. Lily: Yeah, well, so did flannel and acid-washed jeans, but they weren't flattering either. (The curtains open on Lily, looking ravishing; Rufus stares.) Lily: What is it? Is it too much? (He's still gaping.) Lily: Uh, is it not enough? Rufus: It's not the dress. It's you in it. Lily: I'm sorry. I thought... I didn't mean... We're here as friends, right? Rufus: No, we are friends. It's just how you look. Constance hallway Penelope: Nothing new on Gossip Girl for three hours. Guess she wasn't kidding about her new standards. Serena, twirling Jenny around: Hey, Jenny! Sorry I can't chat, but have so much fun at your party tonight! Penelope: She's totally running to a booty call with your brother. Jenny: I cannot believe you just went there. Hazel: And where have you gone, Little J? Penelope: Yeah, you and Asher... Jenny: Far enough. Hazel: Playing coy only means one thing. Isabel: Maybe Asher doesn't like girls. Jenny: Is that why we went to third? Elise: You went to third? Jenny: No, he did. Hazel: Well done. Make him work for it. Waldorf apartment (Blair, Nelly Yuki and Iz toss their purchases onto Blair's bed.) Blair: Whoever said that money doesn't buy happiness didn't know where to shop. Lucky for me, I may have to go out tonight after all. Did you get it? Nelly Yuki: Lucky for you, Iz knows five ways to sneak into the Unity boys' locker room, and six to sneak out. Isabel, handing over Asher's phone: Asher takes an abnormally long shower after practice. Nelly Yuki: Maybe his lacrosse stick isn't the only thing he likes to play with! Isabel: Why'd you want his phone so badly anyway? Blair: It was once said that a person's eyes are the windows to their soul. That was before people had cell phones. (Blair downloads all of Asher's emails onto her laptop.) Hornsby Residence Jenny, coming up the stairs: Hey... Asher, working on his laptop: This is a surprise. Party's not for a couple hours. Jenny, climbing onto him: Yeah, well, a lot can happen in a couple hours. Asher, laughing nervously: Uh, Jenny. What are you doing? Jenny: What's wrong? Asher: It... Nothing's wrong. This... It just isn't what we do. Are you suddenly ... not happy? I... I'm holding up my end of the bargain. Jenny: What bargain? Asher: You're Jenny Humphrey, from Brooklyn. You need status, access, resources. I give that to you. Jenny: What do I give you? Asher: Do we really need to talk about this? Jenny: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, we do. So what was on Gossip Girl's true? Asher: Do you really think someone like me would just date someone like you? Jenny: But you've been so nice. Asher: And I'll keep being nice. Nothing has to change, okay? Jenny: Asher... Asher: Come on, Jenny. Tonight you're hosting your first Upper East Side party. That's something that Blair and those girls can never take away from you. Jenny: I know. Thank you. Asher: You're welcome. And... There is something you can do to show your thanks. I think it would be better for both of us if we put those rumors to rest once and for all. Jenny: What do you want me to do? Palace (Serena opens the package: a USB drive on an ivory ribbon, with a note from G: "memories fade, video is forever!") Georgina: "If you put the camera here, she'll never know..." Man: "Are you sure she's gonna be down for this?" Georgina: "It's Serena. She goes down for anything." (Serena enters.) Georgina: "Hey, baby! So how's the new Mr. And Mrs. Shepherd?" Serena: "I just did something so stupid..." (Fast-forward.) Serena: "It's hot. I'm too hot." Man: "You are too hot." (Serena or Georgina -- or both -- moaning; the man joins in. Serena slaps her laptop closed and hides the USB drive, then runs to the living room ... Where Lily was just heading up to find her, quite angry.) Lily: Where do you think you're going? Serena: I can't talk right now, Mom. I'll explain later. Lily: If you invite an old friend to our quiet family dinner, I expect you to stay and eat. (G appears) You know how I always loved when Georgina came around. Georgina, kissing her cheek: I ran into Lily in the lobby. You totally forgot to tell her I was coming over for dinner! Did you get my present? DUMBO (Jenny tries on clothes and reads about herself on GG.) Gossip Girl: "Breaking news! Asher Hornsby overheard bragging that Little J swiped her V card at his register." Dan, running in with his phone: Jenny, is this true? Jenny: It's private. Dan: It's on the internet. Jenny: Yeah, well, it's none of your business. And since when did you start reading Gossip Girl blasts anyway? Dan: Since you became the subject of them. You're fifteen years old, and I'm your big brother. It is my business. Jenny: Well, it's not true. You happy? Dan: Oh. W... Jenny: You can't tell anyone, though. Everyone has to believe it. Dan: Wha... Are you saying that you actually want your friends to think that you're sleeping with a guy who's gay? Jenny: Do you believe everything you read? Dan: I didn't read it. I saw it. Jenny: So you were the one who sent the tip? Dan: Yeah, I'm... Look, I'm sorry, but I tried to tell you. You wouldn't listen to me. I needed to get your attention somehow. Jenny: Well, I knew about him the whole time. Dan: So... So you let him use you? Jenny: Well, maybe I was using him. Did you ever think of that? Dan: I don't know which is worse. Jenny: For once in your life, could you just stop judging everyone? Dan: No, I'm not. I'm... Jenny: You think that you're so different and so good? Well guess what, Dan? The minute that you start sending tips to Gossip Girl, you're in the game with the rest of us. Get out of my room. [SCENE_BREAK] Palace Serena, answering phone: Hey... B, now's not a good time. Blair, reading about Eric in Asher's emails: It's important. Serena, ringing off: Look, I know I told you I'd be more available, but I just can't right now. Blair: But it can't wait! Serena, returning to dinner: Sorry. It was just Blair. Georgina: Oh. How is Snow White? Eric: Uh, Snow Not-So-White. Did you hear that she and... Serena: --Eric. Lily: So Georgina, what brings you back to New York? Georgina: Oh, I just had some time to kill. Serena: She went to boarding school in Switzerland. Lily: Oh, your parents must be happy you're back. Georgina: Oh, no. Actually, they've moved to the country full-time. I'm just in the city to catch up with some old friends. What about you? You and that gorgeous Tiffany rock seem to be the talk of the city. Lily: Thank you. Mr. Bass and I are very, um, happy. Georgina: You look it. You all do. I mean, there must be love in the New York air. You're engaged, Serena's found a new guy, Eric found himself a boyfriend... Eric: Excuse me? Georgina: Oh, I... Lily: I'm sorry. I don't think I heard you right. Georgina: What? You haven't met Serena's new guy? Lily: A... boyfriend? Georgina: Oh. You mean Eric. You didn't know he was dating someone? I... didn't think it was a secret, I mean, I saw them kissing in front of St. Jude's this morning for all the world to see... (Eric is sad.) Georgina: Well, don't look so embarrassed, E, he is a hot piece! Well done. Serena: Please, Georgina. It's not funny, okay? Georgina: You... You didn't know Eric was dating a boy. Lily: This doesn't make any sense, because that would mean ... that Eric is... And he's not. He's just not. (Eric looks down.) Lily: Are you? (Eric tries to speak.) Lily: Oh God. (Eric runs off to his bedroom to call Chuck.) Serena: Eric. Great, Mom. That's just great. (To Georgina) How dare you? DUMBO Jenny, heading out the door: Dan went out with Vanessa, and I'm going to choir practice like we talked about. Don't wait up. Rufus: Not so fast. Where were you gonna change your clothes? Jenny: We don't wear a uniform for rehearsal. Rufus: Well, unless the choir is entertainment at Asher's party, you have some explaining to do. Jenny: How'd you know about the party? Rufus, pulling a dress from her bag: I know a lot more than you think I do. Nice dress. Jenny: I wanted one night out, okay? What was I supposed to do? Rufus: Ask my permission? Jenny: Well, you would've said no. Rufus: You're probably right, but that's no excuse to lie to me. Jenny: Dad, you don't understand. I'm throwing this party! Rufus: Not anymore you're not. You need to call Asher and tell him you're not coming. Jenny: I can't. All my friends... Rufus: You heard me. Jenny: I promised! Rufus: All that good behavior from the past few weeks just got wiped out from that lie. Jenny: You can't stop me, all right? Rufus: Jenny, if you walk out that door... Jenny: You'll what?! What, Dad? What are you gonna do? Are you gonna put bars on my window? Or chain me to the kitchen counter? I'm not your... I'm not a little girl anymore. You can't make me do anything. Rufus: You've already lost my trust. You really wanna lose my respect, too? Jenny, leaving: I'm sorry. Eric's Room Eric, on the phone: Yeah. Okay. Serena, knocking: Hey, it's me. Eric: Bye. Serena: Who are you talking to? Eric: Chuck. Serena: What, you called Chuck? Eric: Yeah. I've been talking to him a lot lately. Guy's got his faults, but he's never judged me. Serena: I'm your sister. We're us. You can tell me anything. Eric: I wanted to, but it... It's not the type of thing you blurt out on the way to school. I was waiting for the right time. Serena: Dinner with Georgina definitely wasn't, at all. I'm sorry about her... About me. I came back for you, And then I abandoned you all over again. Eric: This isn't like before. I'm fine, really. Serena: Well, I'm here now. Eric: When I was at Ostroff, I met this guy. We were going through a lot of the same stuff. And now that guy is dating Jenny. Serena: Wait, you're the mystery guy that Asher was spotted kissing? I know this isn't how you wanted this to happen. Eric, awesomely: Yeah, I guess the important thing is that it's happening. Serena, embracing him: ...I'm so proud of you. I love you, no matter what you do, who you like, whose boyfriend kisses you. The people who care about you will always stand by your side, okay? Eric: Yeah. I think I'm gonna drop by Asher's party. There's one more person I have to talk to. Hornsby Residence Elise: Oh my God, Blair crashed Jenny's party. Isabel: You look... Blair: I know. Hazel: Jenny's gonna freak. Blair: Watch and learn, ladies. The most important parties to attend are the ones you're not invited to. Where's the host? I have something for him. Coffeeshop Serena, kissing Dan: Oh, thank God you're here. I'm so happy to see you. Dan: Hey. I'm happy to see you, too. You can meet Sarah. Serena: Oh, I'd love to, but now is really not a good time. Dan: Well, she's here, so, uh... Sarah, Serena. Serena, Sarah. Georgina: Hi. I'm Sarah. It is so nice to finally meet you. (Offering her hand; Serena finally shakes it) Wow. I mean... Dan told me you were pretty, but he didn't do you justice. Serena: Dan, can we talk in private, please? Georgina: Hey, no, no, no. Wait. Don't go. Vanessa was just about to show me one of her movies. I'm a filmmaker, too, of sorts. Actually, i brought one of my short films. I was hoping to get your opinion. Maybe you wanna see it, too, and tell me what you think? Vanessa: I'll go get my laptop. Serena: Dan, would you get me a coffee? (Sharply) Please? Dan: ...Yeah. Serena, alone with G: What the hell are you doing, Georgina? Put that away. Georgina: Aw, come on. I'm just having a little fun. Remember? Like old times. You and me pretending to be different people... Svetlana and Savannah... Serena: This is not a game. I don't know how you even filmed that, but I'm not playing with you this time. Georgina: It's just a friendly game. Serena: But we're not friends. Georgina, stroking her hair: Oh, I think we are. You see, because with me as your enemy, Dan sees this. And if the heavy petting doesn't send him running, well, I'll bet what happened after will. Dan, returning with V: Hey. What'd we miss? Serena: Nothing. It's like Sarah and I have known each other for years. Dan: Oh. Great. Serena: We don't need the laptop anymore. Thanks. Georgina, to V's questioning look: No, I got a little shy about showing it. Maybe next time? Vanessa: Okay... Hornsby Residence Penelope: So was it as special as you hoped it would be? Hazel: Cause yours totally wasn't. Penelope: And yours was? Jenny: I mean, yeah. Asher made me feel really safe. Hazel: You are so lucky. Jenny: I know. Elise, appearing: You guys, Blair is here. Jenny: What is she doing here? She wasn't invited. Blair, tapping Asher on the shoulder with his phone: We need to talk. Asher: Give us a moment, guys. Blair: I thought you might want this back. Asher: Whatever you found, it's not what it looks like. Blair: It's always "what it looks like." And judging by the texts and photos, it "looks like" a little more than friendship. Asher: What are you going to do with them? Blair: Well, lucky for you, your friend is someone I actually care about, or I would've used them against you and Jenny already. Too bad you don't care about him the same way. Eric, arriving: It's okay, Blair. I can handle this. Asher: What's he doing here? Jenny, appearing: What is she doing here? Eric: Are you gonna tell her, or am I? Asher: There's nothing to tell. Eric: Gossip Girl was right. Asher was kissing someone this morning. Me. Asher: He's totally lying. Tell him, Jenny. I was with you all morning. Jenny: Yeah. Asher's right. I was with him. Eric's lying. Eric: Why would I stand here in front of everyone we know, and tell them if it wasn't true? I'm gay. And so are you. Asher: Get this faggot out of here! Eric, sad and disgusted, leaves: Go ahead and do it. (Blair sends all of their correspondence to Gossip Girl.) Asher: What did you just do? Blair, handing back his phone: You'll see... (Lily drinks tea on her couch, on the phone with Rufus.) Lily: What kind of mother does not know that her son is gay? Rufus: The people you know best are the ones most capable of surprising you. Lily: The things that I said, the way I acted... It was not my finest maternal moment. What if he does something again? Rufus: I know how much you love him. So does he. You just need to remind him of that. Lily: But what if it's not enough? Rufus: Most of the time, it's all we've got. Lily: And what about you? What are you gonna do? Rufus: I'm gonna wait for my daughter to come to me... And then I'm gonna ground her until she's twenty-five. Lily: Ah, we make quite the team, huh? Rufus: Always did. ...Good luck, Lil. With everything. I'm sure you'll make a beautiful bride. Lily: Mm, thank you. Good night, Rufus. Gossip Girl: "Weekend update: A same-sex kiss hasn't caused this much controversy since Britney and Madonna. Looks like Little J didn't spread her legs after all. She spread lies instead. Asher is gay, and I have the correspondence to prove it." Hornsby Residence Blair: Looks like someone needs a semester in France. Penelope: Get your things, girls. We're leaving. Jenny: Guys, we can still have fun. Don't leave. Hazel: It's kind of hard to party after the gay bomb drops. Penelope: I'm gonna do something out of character, and give you the benefit of the doubt. Tell us Gossip Girl is wrong. Hazel: Did you or did you not sleep with Asher? Jenny: I... may have exaggerated a little bit. Penelope: Dating a gay guy is an honest mistake, but lying to your girlfriends about s*x is unforgivable. Isabel: To think, I almost asked you to wear a matching dress tonight. Nelly Yuki: You're branded now with the L word. Elise: "Liar." Penelope: So what are we doing tonight? Blair: "We" are doing nothing. I, however, am going home. Penelope: But, um... Blair: Tomorrow, dinner at the Waverly and then to 151 for drinks? Penelope: Yeah. Blair: I'll have Dorota Blackberry everyone an itinerary. Gossip Girl: "Don't look so sad, Little J. The sun'll come out tomorrow. Even though your boyfriend did today." Palace Lily, calling out to Eric: Hey, um, I made... Uh, some tea. Um, it's probably iced now, but, um... Look. My reaction earlier... Eric: It's okay, Mom. Lily: No, it's not okay. You just caught me off guard. I guess I ... I just wasn't ready. Eric: Well, I wasn't ready either, so... It's okay if you need time. Lily: Well... Since you're being so honest, I'm gonna, um, try as well, okay? I'm scared. And life is tough enough as it is, you know? I want... I want the best for you. And, um... I'm worried for your safety. And your happiness. Eric: I have a better chance of being happy if I'm honest. Lily: I know that, and I want you to know what love is. Whoever you're with. Bbecause it's pretty great. Eric: You would know, right? Fourth time's the charm. Gossip Girl: "Ah, yes, The truth always comes out. It's one of the fundamental rules of time. And when it comes out, it can set you free... Or end everything you fought so hard for." Waldorf House Blair, reading Gossip Girl as Jenny enters: My, my. If it isn't Little J, risen from the ashes. Jenny: I came to tell you in person. You win. Blair: Oh sweetie, we just started to play! Jenny: No, you don't understand. I'm done. With you, with them, with all of it. Blair: Just like that, you wave the white flag? Jenny: I lied, and I stole, and I lost the respect of my family... for what? So I can be like you? You asked me before if it was all worth it. My answer is, it's not. Blair: I tried to warn you... There's a price to pay. I always knew a girl like you couldn't afford it. Jenny: Well, you were right. Blair: Well, you put up a good fight... For a freshman. Jenny: Thanks. Blair: I hope you don't expect a hug. Jenny: I don't expect anything anymore. (She leaves, totally defeated; Blair is sad for her.) Outside coffeeshop Dan: So she's great, right? What do you think? Serena: Honestly, there's something I don't really like about her. Dan: Okay, but you had your doubts about Vanessa in the beginning, and now you guys are friends... Serena: This is different. Dan: I don't understand why you... You're... Serena: Why I'm what? Dan: Jealous. There's no reason to be. She, she actually wanted us to patch things up. Serena: What, you told her about our problems? Dan: Yes, because she wanted to listen to them, and she had good advice, too. Serena: Look at me. I love you, okay? You just have to take my word for it. Do not trust her. Dan: But you just met her. I... You know, you've been hanging out with Chuck, and you've been partying, and avoiding me, and lying, and you're trying to tell me who I can and cannot trust? I-I don't understand that at all. You know, we... We all live in Brooklyn, so... I don't know. If you need to catch a cab, I think you should do that here. Serena: Dan, don't. I want to talk. Dan: Then talk! Vanessa: I'm gonna get going... Dan: Hey, just hold on. One... One second. Georgina: I forgot something inside. I'll catch up with you guys? (Dan and V walk away, Georgina runs up to Serena) Well, I had fun. How about you? Serena: What do you want from me? Georgina: I want things to go back to how they were before that night, before things got so screwed up. We were such good friends, and now we can be again. Serena: Why would I want to be friends with somebody who blackmails me? Who outs my little brother at the dinner table? Georgina: Eric was an honest mistake. I would never hurt him. Serena: No, I don't believe you. I don't believe you about Eric, about anything. Georgina: Maybe you're right. Maybe I did it on purpose. Because I can, because I know things about you, about your family, about your boyfriend, and I know them before you do. Oh look, cab. (Scary) You get home safe. (Catches up with V and Lonelyboy) Hold up, guys! I'm coming. DUMBO Gossip Girl: "Another way the truth comes out: When you don't even mean it to..." Rufus, reading Dan's Scrabble words: "Angry, Change, Trust, Girl." Somethin' you wanna talk about? Dan: Who would have thought Scrabble could be so therapeutic? That last one was a triple word score... Gossip Girl, as Jenny enters: "Or when, without saying a word, it's still loud and clear." Jenny: Dad? Do you think it'd be okay if I joined you? Rufus: You know there's always room for you here. Dan: Yeah, and Dad's totally losing, so he could use your help. Jenny, curling up in his arms: Dad, I'm sorry. I'm sorry about everything. Waldorf House Gossip Girl, as Serena enters looking rough: "But the worst thing the truth can do is, when you finally tell it, it doesn't set you free, but locks you away forever." Serena: ...Blair? Blair: Serena, what are you doing here? It's late. Oh my God, what happened? What's wrong? Talk to me. Serena: I can't. Blair: Of course you can. Serena: No. No, B, this is the one thing I can't tell you. I can't tell anyone. Blair: I'm not "anyone," I'm me. You can tell me anything. Serena: No, I can't. Because then that'd make you a part of it, and you can't be a part of this. Blair: What are you talking about? You're starting to scare me. Hey, hey, hey. We're sisters. You're my family. What is you, is me. There's nothing that you could ever say to make me let go. I love you. What is it? Serena: I killed someone	Plan: A: Serena's past; Q: What does Georgina tell Serena she is prepared to reveal damaging information about? A: Jenny; Q: Who refuses to listen to her brother's warning? A: their "popularity war; Q: What is Blair and Jenny's feud called? A: scandalous rumors; Q: What do Blair and Jenny spread about each other? A: Gossip Girl; Q: What website do Blair and Jenny use to spread rumors about each other? A: Dan; Q: Who witnesses Jenny's new boyfriend cheating? A: Jenny's new boyfriend; Q: Who is Asher? A: Serena's brother; Q: Who is Eric? A: Rufus; Q: Who goes to Lily for advice on how to handle Jenny's recent out of character behavior? Summary: Georgina informs Serena that she is prepared to reveal damaging information from Serena's past, but no one is prepared for what Georgina does next. Blair and Jenny escalate their "popularity war" by spreading scandalous rumors about each other through Gossip Girl. Dan witnesses Jenny's new boyfriend, Asher, cheating with another boy who we find out to be Eric, Serena's brother, but Jenny refuses to listen to her brother's warning. Rufus goes to Lily for advice on how to handle Jenny's recent out-of-character behavior.
Man: Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time ever Mr. and Marshall Eriksen and Lily Aldrin. Lily: Does it make you kind of sad that we don't share the same last name? Marshall: You know, in a totally evolved 21st-century kind of way yeah, a little. Lily: You know what we should do? We should come up with a whole new last name. Marshall: Oh, that's easy-- Lily and Marshall Skywalker. Lily: Lily and Marshall Hasselhoff. Marshall: I got it. You ready? You ready? Lily: Yeah. Marshall: Lily and Marshall Awesome. Have you met the Awesomes? Marshall, Lily, their son, Totally and their daughter, Freakin'? Lily: I love you, Mr. Awesome. Marshall: I love you, Mrs. Awesome. They kiss... Robin and Ted dancing... Ted: So... Robin: So... Ted: Wedding's over. Robin: Yes, it is. Ted: I guess starting tomorrow, we can tell people. Barney: Tell people what? Robin: Hi, Barney. Barney: Tell people what? Ted: The food looks delicious, doesn't it? Barney: Tell people what? Robin: Nothing. Barney: Oh, okay. Tell people what? Ted: Can we talk about this later? Barney: Absolutely. Tell people what? Robin: Hi. Have you met Barney? Barney: Hey. Barney Stinson. Lovely dress. I know, I'm sick of these things, too. It's like the same wedding over and over again. You're totally right. You want to dance? Great, see you out there. Tell people what? Ted: Look, this is just not something we want to talk about right now, okay, Barney? Barney: Okay. (Barney leaves) Ted: Whoo, that was a close one. Robin: Think he'll actually let it go? Barney(with a microphone) Tell people what? Tell people what? Tell people what? Tell people what? Tell people... (A man tells him something) There's a black Nissan Stanza in the parking lot with it's lights on. Tell people what? Tell people what? Ted and Robin are at the bar of the wedding... Robin: Can I get a water please? Barney: Tell people what? Robin: Oh, God! Okay. Look, we have some... news. Ted: But we don't want to draw attention away from Lily and Marshall's big day. Robin: So just forget about it until they leave for the honeymoon. Barney: Fine. Ted: It's pretty big, though. Barney: Oh, my God, just tell me! Lily: Oh, help us. Robin: What's wrong? Lily: We're starving. We planned this amazing meal with the caterers, and we haven't had a bite of it. Marshall: Every time we get near the food, we get cocktail weiner blocked. We haven't eaten all day. Robin: All right, let's run some interference. Ted: Yeah, we'll get you back to your table. Come on. Lily's grandma: Oh, there you are. My dear, you look so beautiful. Lily: Thanks, Grammie, but we really need to... Lily's grandma: And you... you look like a 1940s movie star. Marshall: And you look like a pepper-crusted rack of lamb with mint jelly. Robin: All right, let's get these two back to their table. Lily's grandma: We will see you on the floor for the conga line later, won't we? Ted(2030): The answer to that one was decided weeks earlier. Flashback. At Ted's apartment. Robin: Conga line. Lily: Oh, yes, definitely. Ted: How about a slide show of you guys through the years set to Green Day's "Time of Your Life" and ending with your baby photos side by side. Lily: Oh, that's great. Going on the list. Barney: What list? Lily: Horrible wedding clichées we're not going to touch with a ten-foot limbo pole. Barney: Oh, like First Corinthians? That Bible verse? They do that at every wedding. Robin: How's it go? Marshall: "Love is patient and kind. "Love does not envy or boast. "It is not arrogant or rude. "Love does not insist on it's own way. "It is not irritable or resentful. "Love bears all things, "believes all things, "hopes all things... "endures all things." Robin: Lame. Lily: Going on the list. End of flashack. Back to the wedding. Lily: We've done it. A wedding with zero clichées. Ted: Wait, isn't doing it in the reception hall bathroom kind of a clichée? Lily: Well, okay, one clichée. Marshall: Well, technically two. Lily: No! They cleared our plates again! Marshall: Pepper-crusted rack of lamb, where did you go? It's my wedding night. I was supposed to have my way with you. Lily: Well, you still have me. Marshall: Yeah... Barney: Anyway, guys, we're kind of in the middle of something, so if you could go bicker or share a tense, sexless silence or whatever married people do somewhere else, that'd be great. Lily: No, Barney, this is my wedding, and I will sit wherever I damn well... Barney: Are those mini quiches? (Marshall and Lily run) Tell the secret. Ted: Okay, uh... it was our anniversary, so we went to this restaurant Carmichael's, which is where we went on our first date. Remember, the place where I stole the blue French horn for Robin? Barney: Oh, right, that was you. I knew that was somebody I knew. Ted: What? Dude, you were there. That was like a big iconic moment in all of our lives. Barney: Maybe in your life-- I got a lot of stuff going on. Robin: Okay, so we're sitting there and the waiter comes over... Flashback. At the restaurant... Waiter: Champagne? Robin: Um, we didn't order champagne. Waiter: Compliments of the house. Ted: Wow. Thanks. Cheers. Robin (voive over): And there, sitting at the bottom of my champagne glass is... End of flashback. At the wedding... Lily: Mini quiche. You're a mega-douche. Barney: Oh, that's right, they moved that table back toward the kitchen, because that's where they're setting up a surprise chocolate fountain. Oh, no, I gave it away.(Lily and Marshall leave) So what was in the glass? Ted: Right. So the waiter comes up with two glasses of Dom. He says, "Champagne?" "We didn't order any champagne." "Compliments of the house." "Wow." Barney: You said that already! Flashback. At the restaurant... Ted (voice over): Right. So Robin looks down, and there at the bottom of her glass... Robin: Is an engagement ring. End of Flashback. Man( with a camera): Anything you want to say to the bride and groom? Barney: Don't get married. Man: Why don't I come back. Barney: An engagement ring?No. No, no, no, no, no, no. Ted, you cannot do this to me. No. No, no, no! Ted: That's what she said. Flashback. No. Robin: No, no, no, no, no. Ted, you cannot do this to me. No. No, no, no. Ted: What are you talking about? Robin: This. This is what I'm talking about. What is this doing in my champagne? Oh, God, listen... I just got to get out of here. Ted: That's not mine. Robin: What? Ted: That's not mine. Robin: Then whose is it? Man: It's mine. Janna... will you marry me? Janna: Yes. Robin: Wow. That was hilarious. I was like... what? Anyway. Ted: What the hell was that? Robin: What the hell was what? Ted: That reaction? Robin: I thought you were proposing to me. Ted: Really? Because it sounded like you thought I was trying to set you on fire. Robin: Ted, you know how I feel about marriage. Ted: Now more than ever. Robin: I'm sorry, were you planning on proposing tonight? Ted: No. Robin: Then why is this an issue? Ted: Because even though you don't want to get married, I'd like to think the fact that we've been together for a year, and that we love each other might get me a gentler reaction than, "No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. "Ted, you cannot do this to me. "No. No, no, no." Robin: Okay, you're right, I just... freaked out. I don't know why. I'm sorry. Can we please just let it go? Ted: No. End of flashback. Marshall: Hey, Stinson. Never lie to a man about a chocolate fountain. Robin: So did you guys find anything to eat? Lily: I had four strawberries. Ted: Was there a side of champagne with each of the strawberries? Lily (burping): Yes. Marshall: Lily, you could have burped or said the word "Yes," but the fact that you did both is exactly why I married you. Lily: Oh, look, more strawberries! Barney: So what happened next? Flashback. Robin: Ted, don't do this. Ted: No, seriously. Where do you see yourself in five years? Robin: Where do you see yourself? Ted: Honestly, in five years... I probably want to be married. Robin: And I probably want to be in Argentina. Ted: Argentina? Robin: Or Tokyo, or Paris. Look, Ted, I don't know where I'm going to be in five years. And I don't want to know. I want my life to be an adventure. Ted: We have an expiration date, don't we? End of flashback. Barney: Oh, my God. You guys broke up. You guys broke up. I can't believe it. Ted: Barney... story's not over. Flashback. Robin: Can we please not talk about this here. Can we go home? Ted: Yeah, of course. Uh, excuse me, I'm sorry about this. Can we actually... Waiter: Oh, my God, it's you. Ted: Wha... what? Waiter: You're the son of a bitch who stole our blue French horn. Ted: Run! End of flashback. [SCENE_BREAK] Barney: Run? Your strategy was run? Ted: It was a perfectly good idea. They didn't have our credit card information. They didn't know us from Adam. I stand by it. Robin: Yeah? And how did that work out for you? Ted and Robin run and knock down the tray that the waiter was holding, at Robin's apartment... Ted: I don't see why they had to keep my credit card and driver's license till we bring the horn back. Robin: Well, come on, Ted, can you blame them? Flashback, at the restaurant... Ted: Look, I'm sorry about the French horn. I want to make this right. So what we're going to do right now is, we're going to run! Ted runs and fall. End of flashback.. Ted: So... Argentina. Robin: Argentina. Ted: Why is this the first I've heard of Argentina? Robin: Mmm, American schools suck at geography. What would be the point in telling you that I want to live in Argentina? You don't want to live there. Ted: I could want to live in Argentina. Robin: No, you couldn't. I mean, you life is here and your career. I'm a journalist, my career could take me anywhere, and I hope it does. Ted: Hey. I could be an architect anywhere, too. They have buildings in Argentina. And Paris. And even Tokyo. I don't know if you ever saw Godzilla, but he wasn't knocking down a bunch of tents. Robin: So, what? You're saying you want to move to Argentina? Ted: Well, I always regretted not taking a year in college to live abroad. I just finished a big project at work. I got some money saved up. If ever there were a time in my life to do something like this, it's right now. Let's move to Argentina. Robin: Oh, shut up. Ted: You're scared I might not be kidding. Robin: Aren't you? Ted: Nope. Your move, Scherbatsky. Robin: Okay. Let's do it-- let's move to Argentina. End of flashback... Barney: No es posible! Nobody moves to Argentina. The Argentinean peso has dropped two-thirds in five years, the government is opposed to free market reforms, and the railroad has been a mess since the breakup of Ferrocarriles Argentinos. I hooked up with an Argentinean exchange student in a Porta-John outside Yankee Stadium. Man, she was chatty. Robin: Right? Right? Barney: You caught the bouquet? Ted: Barney. The story's not over yet. Flashback. Ted and Robin are in Robin's apartment kissing. Robin: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Ted: What? Robin: I don't know if I can do this to you. Ted: Do what? Robin: Well, you say you want to move to Argentina, but you want to have kids. Ted: Oh, right. 'Cause there are no kids there. On Santa's map of the world, there's a big black "X" over Argentina. Robin: You know what I mean. Ted: No, I don't. Okay, say we had kids. They wouldn't have to grow up in some suburb somewhere. They would grow up on the road having adventures with us. Think of all the Hard Rock Cafe T-shirts they could collect. Robin: Ted, you know that kids were never a part of my plan. But if I was going to have someone's babies, I'd have your babies. Enf of flashback Barney: That's when you run. Tell me you ran, Ted. Flashback. Ted and Robin are kissing on the couch. Robin: Wait, wait, wait. We don't want to start having babies right this second. Do you have a...? Ted. No, I don't. Robin: Well, we probably shouldn't. Ted: Yeah. Robin: Risk it? Ted: Risk it. End of flashback. Barney: No. Man: All right, ladies and gentlemen, if you're all gather around, Lily and Marshall are going to cut the cake. Barney: No. Robin, you're not... No, say the story's not over. Robin: Come on, they're cutting the cake. Barney: Say the story's not over! Oh, God, this is the 12th most worried I've ever been that someone's pregnant. Marshall: Okay, Lily. I'm really hungry, so let's just, uh, aim for my mouth, okay? Besides, the smearing the cake thing's a clichée, remember? Lily: No, it's going to be so funny. Marshall: Lily. Lily, just feed me the cake. Please, baby, I am so hungry. (Lily's so drunk that she falls) Lily: Whoopsy-daisy. Marshall: And she's okay. She's all right. That was funny. And it's time for the honeymoon. Guys, guys, guys. Thank you so much. Lily: We love you. I love you. The man who was with the camera comes back near Barney... Barney: Getting married, having kids. It's all a mistake. It's a horrible, horrible mistake. Man: God, this guy's giving me nothing. Ted: All right, have fun in Scotland. If you see the Loch Ness Monster, tell him Ted Mosby says, "What's up?" Marshall: Nessie's a she, Ted, come on. Marshall and Lily leave. Ted: Hey, kiddo. BarneyYou are going to miss out on a lot of awesome stuff. You'll be at home with the kid while I am out awesome-ing all over the place. And you're going to get fat. Ted: The story's not over, Barney. Flashback Ted: Okay, time to get the horn back to the bistro. Robin: Oh, Ted, I don't know if I can go again. That tuckered me out. Ted: Not a euphemism. Robin: Right. Okay, let me just go change, and we'll leave. Ted: Whoa, whoa, you get to change and I don't? Uh-uh. Solidarity, sister. Robin: That is crazy. I have a change of clothes and you don't. Suck it up. Ted: Well, if we'd actually moved in together, all my stuff would be here, but we didn't, so... Robin: Yeah. We were all talk, weren't we? Ted: We're not doing this, are we? Robin: I don't want to have kids in Argentina. Ted: And I don't want to have kids in Argentina. Robin: So where does that leave us? Ted: Well... we could stay together and... pretend this stuff doesn't matter. Or... we could give back the blue French horn. Robin: You stole a blue French horn for me. Ted: I would have stolen you a whole orchestra. End of flashback. Barney: You did break up. Ted: Yep. Barney: You're not pregnant? Robin: Nope. Barney: An-And Marshall and Lily don't know? Ted: Well, afterwards, uh, we came by to tell you guys, but Lily was pretty stressed out, so... Robin: We decided not to say anything till after the wedding. Barney: You guys okay? Ted: Well, it hasn't been the easiest two weeks of our lives, but... Robin: But we're okay. Ted: The open bar helps. Kid: Excuse me, Miss. Robin: Hi. Kid: Could I have this dance? Ted: Well, we knew this day would come eventually. Take care of her, little man. Marshall and Lily are in a limo... Marshall: This is by far the drunkest I've ever seen you. Uh, driver. Ranjit: Hello! Marshall: Ranjit!! Hey, can we make a stop before we head back to the hotel? Ranjit: You do not have to stop. You can be together as man and wife right back there, and because we are friends... I will not watch. Marshall: Um, no, we actually had something else in mind. Ranjit: Okay. In a fast food.. Marshall: Lily, go sit down. Man: Welcome to Wienerburger. Marshall: Hi. Can we get a number one, please, with no pickles? And a number four with no onions. Man: Let me guess. Jefferson High prom? Marshall: No. But thank you. Actually, we just got married. Man: Wow. Congratulations. Marshall: Thank you. Man: That's $7.80. Hey, dude. Marshall: Yeah. Man: I don't know how to say this, but your wife just threw up in the trash. Marshall: My wife... Ted (2030): So Marshall and Lily were married, and Robin and I were broken up. And as hard as it was at the time, in the end we both got what we wanted. She did eventually go on to live in Argentina and Morocco and Greece, Russia, even Japan for a little while. And I... well, I met your mom. I think for the most part if you're really honest with yourself about what you want out of life, Of course, at that moment, all I really wanted was a scotch and soda and a cigar. Ted meets Barney in the terrace. Barney: I'm really sorry about you and Robin. I know I was always joking around about wanting you two to break up, but you were really good together. Ted: Yeah... we were. She just wasn't the one, you know? Barney: The one. Oh, Ted, no. Do not tell me you're going to start searching for "the one" again. The only time I want to hear you saying "the one" is if it's followed by the word "hundredth." What up? Ted: No, I need a break from all that, I... I just want to get out there and have fun for a while, you know? Barney: Really? 'Cause... you know, you've been in a relationship for a year. You're going to... be a little rusty. Ted: Yeah. Barney: I'm just saying... you're gonna need, need, need some help out there. Ted: Could be. Barney: Ted? Ted: Yes, Barney. Barney: Do you think... Do you think maybe you might... need a wingman again? Ted: I do. Barney: Yes! Yes! We're back. We are back. And Ted, my boy, it's going to be legend... Wait for it...	Plan: A: Barney; Q: Who is the unflappable character in the show? A: a secret; Q: What do Ted and Robin have at their wedding reception? Summary: When Barney overhears that Ted and Robin have a secret at the wedding reception, he begins to speculate about what it might be, but what they are hiding even stuns the unflappable Barney.
The Dominators By Norman Ashby 5:15pm - 5:40pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1, EXT: SAUCER (The Doctor fusses busily with the airlock of the Dominator spacecraft.) JAMIE: Hey Doctor! DOCTOR: Stop it. JAMIE: ...Doctor! (Jamie tugs at the Doctor's coat to get his attention.) DOCTOR: Jamie, don't do it! JAMIE: Doctor look! Look. (Reluctantly he turns and sees that he is being scanned by two creatures. A round mace-like head studded with shards of crystal sits atop a small boxy torso; within the front face of which are two concealed folding arms, one above the other that can hinge out in two opposing 90° angle sweeps. Below, the robots move on two tiny flexible legs ending in rectangular feet. The two Quarks stand atop a nearby sandbank.) DOCTOR: Oh my word! (The lead Quark addresses the Doctor and Jamie in a high-pitched mechanical voice.) QUARK: DO NOT MOVE! DO NOT MOVE! (They are joined by the sadistic form of Toba.) QUARK: NEXT TASK? SHALL WE DESTROY? SHALL WE DESTROY? (The right-hand Quark extends an arm with an inbuilt weapon and aims it at the Doctor and Jamie.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2, INT: SAUCER (The chamber inside the saucer is cavernous, the roof rising sharply in the centre. Around the walls in between support struts banks of bright monitors and control panels hum and click. Beside an internal door is a bank of quark-shaped lights monitoring the operations of all the robots. The centre of the chamber rises into a high safety-railed circular dais containing a glowing console. Around the base of the dais is a circular seat and a small set of steps behind to ascend. Rago casually looks up from a from a bank of hypnotically swirling and pulsing screens.) RAGO: Bring them inside. (Toba strides across the room and motions to the Quark who herds the Doctor and Jamie into the interior of the large spacecraft. The Doctor scampers about looking at the control consoles with eager curiosity.) DOCTOR: Ooh good heavens! (The Dominators both ascend the central dais and gaze down at the Doctor and Jamie.) JAMIE: Look, what's going on? Who are you? RAGO: We are Dominators! Both of you stand by that wall. JAMIE: I will not! DOCTOR: Oh now Jamie... JAMIE: They're not going to bow to... TOBA: We are meant to be obeyed! JAMIE: Not by me you're not! DOCTOR: Jamie! (A Quark moves menacingly towards Jamie.) JAMIE: Wha... Oh if you insist. (He reluctantly backs away towards the nearby wall. The Quark bibbles at him, and suddenly Jamie is sucked towards the wall where he sticks, hanging immobily as if pinned to a dissection table.) JAMIE: Doctor I can't move, help me! (The Doctor rushes forward, but the wall next to Jamie attracts him to it. It holds him fast.) RAGO: It is pointless to struggle, my Quarks have used a molecular force to bind your bodies to the wall. JAMIE: What's he gonna do with us? (There is a hum and the section of wall containing JamieSpecimen slides horizontal, and a solarium-like scanner slides above him. The Dominators descend, and Rago strides over to the Doctor, towering above him.) RAGO: Alien races are occasionally of interest to us, I intend to probe your physiological make up. DOCTOR: Do what? JAMIE: Doctor, can you not do anything? DOCTOR: Now don't struggle Jamie, keep quite still! RAGO: Toba! TOBA: Quarks, attach force units. (A Quark shuffles forward and attaches a claw to the base of the scanner, by Jamie's foot.) TOBA: Activate. (A hum of energy builds, then falls into silence again.) RAGO: Visor! (Toba passes plastic, surgical-looking visor to him.) RAGO: Transmatter focus probe. (Placing the visor onto his head, Rago moves over to inspect Jamie.) RAGO: Brittle skeletal structure. Reasonable flexibility, certain amount of muscular force - could be marginally useful. Vulnerable, only one heart. TOBA: Intelligence? RAGO: A simple brain. Signs of recent rapid learning. Still, somewhat crude. TOBA: Shall I prepare the other specimen for scrutiny? (Rago removes his visor.) RAGO: No, they will be identical. Conserve power. TOBA: Tip. (Jamie's wall slides back into it's original position.) TOBA: Are they dangerous? RAGO: No, they are physically inferior. TOBA: So we destroy them? RAGO: No. It is possible we may use them. TOBA: What for? RAGO: Workforce. TOBA: We've got the Quarks. RAGO: We must conserve their power, you know that! TOBA: But why do you want... (Rago casts a steely glare at Toba and he falls silent.) TOBA: Command accepted. RAGO: Set up a reaction test. (Toba bears down on The Doctor sadistically until he is an inch from his face.) TOBA: Test this one. (The Doctor looks concerned as a nearby Quark chirrups obediently.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3, INT: SURVEY UNIT (The flickering static-fogged image of Director Senex can be barely made out on the main video-screen.) SENEX: Your picture is fading Balan, your picture is fading. (Cully moves forward a little.) CULLY: Well never mind the picture father, the important thing is; what are you going to do? SENEX: I can't hear you Balan! Send Cully and the strangers to the Capitol, I'll question them there. (The screen goes blank.) CULLY: Father? Father! Well can't you get them back? TEEL: They've switched off the reception I'm afraid. CULLY: Oh, switched off? That's typical isn't it? Typical Dulcian behaviour. Something strange, something you don't understand and you switch off - up here. (He points at his head.) BALAN: We don't all have your childish curiosity Cully. CULLY: Hah! You'd have more fun out of life if you did. TEEL: The power units of the travel capsule are charging now. CULLY: You ever travelled in a capsule before? ZOE: I can't say that I have. How do they work? CULLY: Hah, dunno. Can't stand the things myself. Hey, you asked a question. ZOE: Yes. CULLY: There you go Balan, this girl's got an enquiring mind. She can't possibly come from Dulkis! BALAN: That will be for your father to decide. (He turns to Zoe.) BALAN: As soon as your friends return they will follow you and Cully in the second capsule. ZOE: Wouldn't it be better if all four of us went together? KANDO: Travel capsules only take two. (There is a chime from the console.) TEEL: Number one ready. KANDO: It's nothing to be frightened of you know. ZOE: Oh I'm not frightened. I'm looking forward to it. CULLY: Come on, let's try and stir up a little action in the Capitol! KANDO: You really mustn't believe Cully's wild tales. (Balan moves his hand over a photocell swipeswitch and a section of the wall slides back. Within the space are two plush padded seats, one before the other, and small control panel.) BALAN: I will dial for the Capitol Cully, if you don't mind. (He reaches in and operates the panel.) CULLY: I see. Frightened I might disappear, eh? BALAN: Well it has been known, hasn't it Cully? CULLY: It'd be a joke if it happened this time though, wouldn't it? (He chuckles to himself as the door slides closed.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4, MODEL SHOT: CAPSULE (The capsule clears the survey unit by shooting through a round capsule-sized hole and flies forward though the mist. It is a silvery bullet-shaped rocketship straight out of a Dan Dare comicbook, complete with a needle point at the front and three sweeping fins at the rear.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5, INT: CAPSULE (Zoe and Cully sit back as the capsule lurches skywards.) CULLY: Selector's a bit worn...soon reach the ceiling. It'll be alright when we level off. (The ride get a little smoother.) CULLY: There you are. Sit back and relax, won't be long. ZOE: Does this land on automatic control as well? CULLY: Oh yes, the whole thing's automatic. Dial where you want to go and in less than eight minutes you're there. [SCENE_BREAK] 6, MODEL SHOT: CAPSULE (The capsule flies on.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7, INT: SAUCER JAMIE: Look how long are you gonna keep us like this? TOBA: Silence! JAMIE: Oh, if I could only get away from, this wall... DOCTOR: Shush Jamie! I am trying to listen. JAMIE: Oh, everyone wants me to shut up! Alright I will. (Over at the other side of the room the Dominators are talking amongst themselves.) RAGO: And if we are to use these Dulcians as slaves there are certain qualities you must look for. Obedience, strength, sufficient intelligence to make them of use, but not so much as to make them dangerous. Is that clear? TOBA: Yes. (Back at the examination wall.) JAMIE: Ah...what are they saying? DOCTOR: I think they're arranging for some sort of test. JAMIE: Test? What for? DOCTOR: I dunno. I thought I heard them mention the word intelligence. JAMIE: Oh, you mean they're going to find out how clever we are? DOCTOR: Yes... Or how stupid. I wonder which is the more important to them? [SCENE_BREAK] 8, MODEL SHOT: CAPSULE (The nose of the capsule dips as it begins to arc gracefully down towards the ground.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9, INT: CAPSULE ZOE: Will it take long to reach the Capitol? CULLY: Reach it? We're there. Door to door service. (The capsule neatly flies into a little capsule-shaped slot.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8, INT: COUNCIL CHAMBER (The Council Chamber is a cosily comfortable room in the main Capitol complex. All around it is decorated with sumptuous furnishings, computer consoles and well-maintained plants. Through a window the wide expanse of the city's architecture can be see shining in the mellow sunlight. On a central table sits a strange rolling device, possibly a futuristic kind of recreational drug, which consists of half a metal sphere set with a rod and a perspex disk. Deputy Director Bovem is entertaining a group of assembled politicians upon domestic matters.) BOVEM: Oh very well then. It is agreed that the area in question be converted into an area for holiday and relaxation purposes. This is now agreed? (There are murmurs of assent from the assembled politicians.) BOVEM: Er, subject of course to the approval of Director Senex. COUNCILLOR ONE: Oh I'm sure the Director will approve our decision, after all... COUNCILLOR TWO: Has he sufficiently considered the case of the residents and the committee? COUNCILLOR ONE: Oh I'm sure that... BOVEM: Really gentlemen, we've been debating this matter for several months! I don't wish to hurry you, indeed, but at least... (There is a chime and Bovem presses an intercom.) BOVEM: Yes what is it? (A cultured female voice pipes out of the speaker.) SECRETARY OOV: Cully has arrived with the strangers. BOVEM: Uh. SECRETARY OOV: They're here in the antechamber. BOVEM: Ah yes. Well, you'd better keep them out there. Has the Director been informed? SECRETARY OOV: Not yet. CULLY OOV: No I will not stay here! I'm going in I want to see my father! BOVEM: What is going on out there? (Cully and Zoe burst into the chamber.) CULLY: If you think that I'm going to stay out there for hours on end kicking my heels, you're very much mistaken Bovem! (Bovem glances at Cully with delicate contempt for his brash behaviour, and extends a finger to the intercom once more.) BOVEM: Will you tell the Director that his son has arrived? SECRETARY OOV: Yes of course. BOVEM: You realise, of course, that you've interrupted a most important meeting? CULLY: Not nearly as important as the news I've got. BOVEM: Oh really? And what adventure have you dreamt up for us this time? Who is this girl? CULLY: Zoe, I met her on the island with two of her friends, they're coming on later. BOVEM: Oh I see. Er, doubtless none of you have permits? CULLY: Oh don't be stupid man, how could they have permits? They've come from another planet! (Without a second thought he Councillors of Dulkis kick spontaneously into action as if someone had just yanked a pullcord in their backs.) COUNCILLOR ONE: Oh nonsense, the existence of life on another planet was conclusively disproved! COUNCILLOR TWO: Oh come now, in my opinion COUNCILLOR ONE: By scientific... COUNCILLOR TWO: It is perfectly possible that life does exist! COUNCILLOR ONE: But, but but... (Cully frantically holds his hands up in an effort to silence them.) CULLY: Look, we don't have time for the usual Dulcian debate! Don't you realise what's happened? BOVEM: And what's that? CULLY: A space vehicle has landed. (As if this were a cue, there is another rabble of voices and scornful laughter.) COUNCILLOR TWO: A space vehicle? COUNCILLOR ONE: Oh come on! Ridiculous! (He laughs.) BOVEM: Oh really Cully, you're wasting the Council's valuable time with these ridiculous stories! Just because you're the Director's son, does not mean... CULLY: Hello father. (Bovem hastily gets up from where he has been sitting.) BOVEM: I am sorry Director Senex, I was not aware that... SENEX: So I observed. I think it would be better if I were to speak to Cully and the young lady alone. BOVEM: Of course, yes. SENEX: Well wait in the antechamber. (The politicians begin to bicker semantics amongst themselves again as they leave.) COUNCILLOR TWO: I told you the commission specifically stated that there was life on other planets than this! (They close the door after them.) CULLY: Look father, I... SENEX: Cully, do you enjoy being treated like a clown? And your name? ZOE: Zoe. SENEX: Well then Zoe, what were you doing on the island? ZOE: Well nothing really, just looking around. SENEX: But didn't you know it was dangerous? ZOE: No... At least, not at first. SENEX: Oh Cully! How can your conscience allow you to expose innocent and foolish people to such dangers? CULLY: But I didn't take her to the island! SENEX: Oho, nonsense I know all about "Cully's Adventures Unlimited." CULLY: You know, but why didn't you..? SENEX: Well you weren't doing any harm... At least we thought you weren't. CULLY: But it's illegal. SENEX: But to prosecute would have given you open publicity - and it wouldn't have reflected very well on me either. CULLY: I see. Why can't I be treated as an individual and not always as the "son of the Director?" (Senex sits wearily down in a nearby seat.) SENEX: Now then young lady, tell me exactly what happened. ZOE: Well, I landed with the Doctor and Jamie... SENEX: In Cully's ship, yes? ZOE: Cully? ...Oh no! We came in the TARDIS. SENEX: Oh, what is that? ZOE: It's an advanced craft for travel. CULLY: Goes through time and space. SENEX: I think this joke has gone far enough. CULLY: There you are, I knew he wouldn't believe it. ZOE: But it's true! You can ask the Doctor and Jamie, they'll be here soon. SENEX: What do you hope to gain by this foolishness? CULLY: But it's not! I told you when we spoke on the vision link! Three people have been killed, a spacecraft has landed, radioactivity has disappeared, and there are robots on that island. Now I may have a pretty inventive mind, but I wouldn't have dreamt up that lot, would I? SENEX: And no doubt you will confirm all this? CULLY: Er, well I haven't actually seen the spacecraft and robots... SENEX: Ah! So we only have your word for it Cully. And experience has taught us how little that can be relied upon! [SCENE_BREAK] 9, INT: SAUCER (The Doctor and Jamie are still on their wall as Rago And Toba put the finishing touches to a curious perspex box. Two hand-sized holes have been cut into the top, and it has been filled with various different shapes and corresponding slots. Before the box is a seat.) JAMIE: What's he up to now? DOCTOR: He's arranging some sort of intelligence test, Jamie. JAMIE: You mean those wee shapes in that big box? What for? DOCTOR: Yes, well, you have to put the right shapes into the correct holes, it's-it's quite simple. (They watch Toba as he arranges the shapes.) JAMIE: Oh well if that's all it is a-a kid of two could do it! DOCTOR: Yes, that 's what's bothering me. It's too simple. (The Doctor scratches his nose thoughtfully.) JAMIE: Uh... You moved! DOCTOR: I'm free, what about you? JAMIE: Me too. Come on. (Still side by side they begin to shimmy together to their right like two silent synchronised dancers, but they get a foot before the monitoring Quark lets out a double-burble. Toba joins the machine.) TOBA: Well? QUARK: MOLECULAR FORCE EXPENDED. ORDER RRREQUIRED. ARE THE SPECIMENS TO BE RRREFUSED? TOBA: No. DOCTOR: What are you going to do with..? TOBA: Quiet! Over there. (The Doctor moves over to the box.) TOBA: Sit! DOCTOR: Well thank you. (He sits at the box.) TOBA: Attach force units. (The Quark connects an arm to the side of the box.) TOBA: Hands! (The Doctor holds them up, as if Toba had ordered a fingernail inspection.) TOBA: Through there! (He points to the holes in the box.) TOBA: Power. (A hum of power from the Quark causes the Doctor to contort in agony, but doesn't remove his hands from inside the box.) DOCTOR: Ooh-oh-oh! (The power cuts out.) TOBA: That will be repeated again at regular intervals until the puzzle is reassembled. DOCTOR: Oh...oh no! Oh..oh..oh..ah. (Toba ascends the upper level and watches.) TOBA: Begin! (From the other side of the room Jamie watches as the Doctor fumbles with the shapes.) JAMIE: Hurry up Doctor! (Another jolt surges forth.) DOCTOR: Oh-ooh, ooh-ooh oh...my hands! Ah..ah..er... (Jamie stares in disbelief as the Doctor continues to get the puzzle wrong.) JAMIE: No, the square bit not..no not the star, the square bit in there! (There is another jolt.) DOCTOR: Aargh! Argh..oh! (Toba has been watching in contempt, and studies his data.) TOBA: Detach. (The Quark unplugs and lumbers away and Jamie rushes to the Doctor's side. He is still woozy from the shocks.) JAMIE: Doctor! Doctor. Now where's that..? (Jamie searches the Doctor's pockets and extracts a vial. Uncorking it, he wafts it under his nose.) JAMIE: Here. Sniff-sniff. (The Doctor coughs and regains consciousness.) JAMIE: Come away, come away from that fearful contraption. You alright? (The Doctor glances at him slyly.) DOCTOR: Yes I'm alright. JAMIE: What were you up to? That puzzle was easy! DOCTOR: An unintelligent enemy is far less dangerous than an intelligent one, Jamie. JAMIE: Eh? DOCTOR: Just act stupid - do you think you can manage that? JAMIE: Oh aye, it's eas... (He notices the Doctor's smile and gives him a resigned look. On the dais Toba calls to a couple of Quarks.) TOBA: Attach force units. (The two robots lumber over and each attaches an arms either side of the circular seat that runs around the base of the dais.) TOBA: You two over here. Sit! JAMIE: Oh, thank you. DOCTOR: Thanks. Oh. TOBA: Power. (There is a faint crackle from the Quarks.) TOBA: Now, get up. (The Doctor moves a foot towards the ground and yelps in pain as a shaft of electricity arcs into his shoe. He pulls back his leg, clutching his foot tenderly.) DOCTOR: Oh-oh ooh! TOBA: I said get up! DOCTOR: Oh, but... (As Jamie attempts to step down, he gets a shock too, and grabbing the Doctor's arm for support only succeeds in accidentally zapping him.) JAMIE: Try this around here. (Jamie points in another direction, but Toba's malicious face booms down from above them.) TOBA: You are surrounded. JAMIE: But then how do we get off?! TOBA: There is a way, find it! (Rago strides in.) RAGO: Test complete? TOBA: These creatures are useless! RAGO: Strange. TOBA: You question my report Navigator Rago? RAGO: I find it at variance with what we already know. TOBA: I don't understand... RAGO: The weapons we saw earlier, could they have been devised by such apparent simpletons? TOBA: You think that there were others? RAGO: That we will find out. Message to fleet leader: Materials readily accessible, fleet proceed to refuel. Investigating potential slave labour. Transmit! (A nearby Quark burbles and Rago sweeps by the Doctor and Jamie.) RAGO: Come with me. DOCTOR: But every time we try to get up, there's a... RAGO: Jump! DOCTOR: Jump? (He looks at Jamie in apparent confusion.) DOCTOR: Jump. (Joining hands The Doctor and Jamie jump over the electrified portion of the floor.) DOCTOR: Aargh... Oh. RAGO: A simple circuit completed by your bodies, you obviously know little of electricity. DOCTOR: Elec...elec... RAGO: Are you such a fool? You have intelligent eyes. I will continue the test personally. Bring! (The Quark herds them after Rago.) DOCTOR: Alright! Er, we'll go... [SCENE_BREAK] 10, INT: SURVEY UNIT KANDO: The strangers are a long time returning Balan. BALAN: Yes. Doubtless searching the whole island in search of something that doesn't exist. Teel, have you found that graph? TEEL: Yes sir. BALAN: Show it me please. TEEL: Well, er, it doesn't seem logical somehow, sir. We all know that there's been a steady uniform decrease in radiation during the past hundred and seventy-two years... (A wavy line graph appears on the screen, ending in a sudden downward spike.) TEEL: Now suddenly it's all disappeared. BALAN: Well it has happened, therefore it is a fact. We now know that the effect of an atomic explosion lasts for a hundred and seventy-two years. TEEL: But why sir? BALAN: Oh I dare say our atomic experts can provide a reason. But it seems pointless to spend time searching for reasons to prove facts. A fact is a truth. KANDO: But the spacecraft that Cully saw! BALAN: Oh, there is no such spacecraft. Nor are there any robots. [SCENE_BREAK] 11, INT: MUSEUM RAGO: I said what is that?! DOCTOR: Well...well, it's um, it's some sort of gun isn't it? (He picks up the atomic-laser and begins to delicately play with it.) RAGO: Explain it to me. DOCTOR: Well I don't know that I... RAGO: Firepower potential? DOCTOR: Huh..? RAGO: What does it do? DOCTOR: Oh, oh I see. Well-well...guns kill people - is that what you wanted to know? RAGO: Fire it. DOCTOR: Oh well I-I don't think I... (He gestures and the base of the gun, then the muzzle.) DOCTOR: You have to put something into it first. And it er, it comes out here, er, as far as I remember. (Rago snatches the gun and hands it to Jamie.) RAGO: You. Fire it. JAMIE: Oh I wouldn't know how it... TOBA: Do as Dominator Rago says! Fire it! JAMIE: Well I'll-I'll-I'll try. Ah...you put a cork or something in-in there and something you... (He absently swings around, the laser pointing dangerously at the Doctor.) DOCTOR: Jamie! ...Jamie be careful. JAMIE: Oh I'll get the hang of it Doctor. DOCTOR: Jamie be careful! (The Doctor swiftly snatches the gun away from Jamie.) DOCTOR: We...we don't understand guns on Dulkis! We haven't used them for hundreds of years! (Rago snatches the weapon and slowly levels it at the Doctor's horrified face.) RAGO: So, you don't understand guns... (There is a searing flash, a chunk of wall next to the Doctor's head melts into a sticky mass of molten metal.) DOCTOR: Ooh oh-oh argh! RAGO: Are you sure? DOCTOR: Yes! It was the "Clever Ones" that invented them! RAGO: "Clever Ones"? DOCTOR: Yes! They-they lived long ago you see, there aren't many of them-them left. They stopped us using guns and things. RAGO: There are two distinct types on this planet? DOCTOR: Yes! RAGO: How many of these "Clever Ones" are there? DOCTOR: Well there are, there are not many of them left. We don't like them. They...they tell us what to do you see. RAGO: Good, I see. (He replaces the laser on its stand.) RAGO: There is nothing to fear from these primitives, and the others sound as if they're pacifists. TOBA: So they are useless. RAGO: They have a small labour potential, nothing more. TOBA: Shall I destroy them? RAGO: No we must conserve power! TOBA: But why must we... RAGO: We have nothing to fear from these primitives so it would be a waste of energy to destroy them. Leave them! (Rago turns back to the Doctor and Jamie.) RAGO: Stay away from us and the Quarks. DOCTOR: Oh yes sir! JAMIE: Yes Master! (They leave and the Doctor sighs, mopping his brow with a handkerchief.) JAMIE: Am I glad that's over! DOCTOR: Me too. They're a bloodthirsty lot these Dominators, aren't they? JAMIE: Aye. What do you think they're after? DOCTOR: I dunno. That message they sent... "Material readily accessible. Some sort of mineral deposits do you think? JAMIE: And then-then-then this fleet of theirs would land, refuel and pick it up! DOCTOR: Well what do they want the Dulcians as slaves for? They've got the Quarks. JAMIE: Aye, nasty little beasties. (He gazes through the doorway.) JAMIE: Hey Doctor, they've gone. We'd better get back to that survey place, Zoe'll be wondering what's happening. DOCTOR: Yes I think you're right. [SCENE_BREAK] 12, INT: COUNCIL CHAMBER CULLY: I've got to make them believe me - before it's too late. ZOE: Well what are you going to do? CULLY: Get some evidence. Will you come back to the island with me? ZOE: Alright, but how do we get past the council out there? CULLY: Through my father's rooms, come on. (He leads Zoe away, then stops a moment.) CULLY: We'll have to steal a travel capsule somehow, well I can manage that alright but... (Cully eyes up Zoe.) ZOE: Well what's the matter? CULLY: Your clothes. Not exactly Dulcian are they? ZOE: So? CULLY: We'd attract too much attention, we'd never get past the capsule managers. Still, no problem. We can always fix you up with some Dulcian garments. ZOE: Where from? CULLY: Clothing dispenser unit - there's one in my father's rooms, come on. (He takes her hand again and they walk off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13, INT: SURVEY UNIT (Balan ushers the Doctor and Jamie into the seats of travel capsule two as Kando and Teel stand by.) BALAN: This will take you direct to the Capitol Doctor. DOCTOR: Ah! BALAN: Your young friend Zoe is already there. (The Doctor eagerly climbs into the capsule, with a slightly reluctant Jamie behind him.) DOCTOR: Oh yes! BALAN: Director Senex is awaiting your arrival. DOCTOR: Oh this is splendid! Hahaha! JAMIE: Oh look Doctor, what is this? (The door to the capsule hums shut.) JAMIE: You know I hate being cooped up... BALAN: Now perhaps we can get on with our work? (Balan strides back into the survey unit, but Teel looks a little unsure.) KANDO: What are you thinking? TEEL: They seemed so positive that they'd seen robots. KANDO: Yes, I almost believed them. (Teel walks over to the sofa where Balan is sitting.) TEEL: Balan we may be in great danger. Would it not be wise to check for ourselves? BALAN: I can see I shall get no work from you two until you have got positive proof. Come along. [SCENE_BREAK] 14, INT: COUNCIL CHAMBER (Cully calls into the next room.) CULLY: Hey, come on, nearly ready? ZOE: Yes, just about. CULLY: Good! ZOE: I'm not sure I pressed the right button. (She looks at the swimming costume and wispy translucent skirt in puzzlement.) CULLY: Why not? It's not bad - even for an automatic machine. ZOE: Well they're not very efficient garments are they? CULLY: Well, at least you look more like a girl now. ZOE: Oh I'm not sure, they feel impractical. CULLY: Never mind, the main thing is that now you'll pass as a Dulcian. Let's go and get a capsule. (They move off towards the Capitol's capsule bay.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15, INT: SAUCER RAGO: Drill depth on fourth bore? TOBA: Eighteen thousand. RAGO: link feeds from your seismographic readings, inform explosive force, inquire time and depth. Feed into calculator now. TOBA: Command accepted. (A Quark burbles.) QUARK: UNKNOWN CREATURES APPROACHING. (On the video-screen Balan, Kando and Tell are seen making their way across a dune.) TOBA: Destroy? RAGO: No, investigate. [SCENE_BREAK] 16, EXT: SAUCER (Kando and Teel look up and the immense silver bulk in wonder, but Balan just frowns.) KANDO: It's enormous! TEEL: So Cully was telling the truth! BALAN: Was he? KANDO: But Balan..! BALAN: Where are the robots? KANDO: Inside perhaps? [SCENE_BREAK] 17, INT: SAUCER (On a video-screen Balan, Kando and Teel can be heard as they approach the ship.) KANDO: Oh please may we go in? BALAN: Oh very well. (The internal door rises with a hum and the trio enter. They look around the vast chamber, but don't see anyone.) KANDO: But it's empty! (Balan's attention is drawn to a screen on the wall.) BALAN: Look, there's a map of the island. (A Quark moves out from a position by a wall to block their escape.) QUARK: STAND STILL. (Rago and Toba appear.) BALAN: But...you are not Dulcians! (The Quark bibbles, and Balan is sucked towards the seat face first, and sticks on his hands and knees.) KANDO: Balan! BALAN: I-I can't move! KANDO: Oh what have they done? RAGO: Stand quite still! You move over there. (Teel backs away from the advancing Dominator.) RAGO: Activate. (A nearby Quark activates the force unit a second time and Teel is sucked towards the wall. Kando Screams.) RAGO: Silence! Toba? (Teel's wall slides horizontal and the scanner unfolds.) TOBA: Attach force units. (A Quark clips itself onto the machine.) RAGO: These look different. Visor. BALAN: Leave that boy alone! KANDO: What do you want from us? (Rago takes the visor from Toba and places it on his head.) TOBA: Silence! RAGO: As I thought, they are different. Greater brain power, two hearts. There are two distinct species on this planet. TOBA: Dangerous? RAGO: No. TOBA: Then we might have the labour force we need after all. RAGO: Yes, if there are more on the island. We will search. [SCENE_BREAK] 18, MODEL SHOT: CAPSULE (A travel capsule flies through the mist.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19, INT: CAPSULE (Cully chuckles to himself.) ZOE: Well what's funny? CULLY: I just thought, your friends are probably on their way back to the Capitol. We'll have passed them going the other way. ZOE: I hope not! CULLY: Oh it doesn't make much difference, we can always turn around again...as long as those robots don't appear. [SCENE_BREAK] 20, EXT: SANDY PLAIN (The Dominators walk across the plain with three Quarks at their heels.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21, INT: CAPSULE CULLY: Hold on, deceleration. Another minute or two and we'll be at the survey unit. [SCENE_BREAK] 22, INT: SURVEY UNIT (Toba and two Quarks enter the unit.) TOBA: Record all technical data. (The Quarks do two complete shuffling turns in unison.) QUARK: SCAN COMPLETED. TOBA: Good! Follow. [SCENE_BREAK] 23, EXT: SURVEY UNIT (With the Survey Unit in the distance Toba moves from one Quark to the other two.) TOBA: Recharge. (The two robots open and close their folding arms a number of times with a prolonged electronic bibble.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24, INT: SURVEY UNIT (Cully climbs out of the travel capsule and they both look around the empty room.) ZOE: Where do you think everybody is? CULLY: I dunno. Come on, out you get. [SCENE_BREAK] 25, EXT: SURVEY UNIT (Toba gazes up at the Survey Unit and smiles malevolently.) TOBA: Destroy, destroy! (Noisily powering up their weaponry, all three Quarks send volley after volley of force blasts towards the helpless Survey Unit in the distance.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26, INT: SURVEY UNIT (Violent explosions burst all around Zoe and Cully, causing the building to sway giddily on it's foundations.) ZOE: Cully, what's happening?! CULLY: I don't know. (He moves towards a console, but it explodes before he can get near. Zoe shrieks.) CULLY: The door quick! (He tries to swipe the control with his hand, but it fails to work.) ZOE: Oh! CULLY: It's stuck, it's stuck! We're trapped! (Zoe screams as another explosion brings down the roof.)	Plan: A: an intelligence test; Q: What do the Dominators subject the Doctor and Jamie to? A: the Dulcian council; Q: Who do Zoe and Cully try to convince of the threat? Summary: The Doctor and Jamie are captured by the Dominators, who subject them to an intelligence test, while Zoe and Cully attempt to convince the Dulcian council of the threat.
Jason comes in his room and sees all the people who are lying on the floor, full of blood. Someone comes and put him on the ground. The man : I can smell that hot blood just under your skin, and, cowboy, you smell awesome. Jason : fck you. The man : That can be arranged. But I'm gonna kill you first. It was a joke. Jason has believed it was a vampire. Luke : Teacher's pet was scared. People : You got him. Jason : I was scared. Vampires are scary. Luke : How's that lip? Jason : It's okay. How's your nose? Jason hits Luke. Vampires are not a joke! There's a war going on. And you're either on the dark side or you're on the side of the light. And there ain't no in-between. Luke : I think you broke my nose. Bill and Jessica are in the living room. Bill and Sookie arrive. Hoyt : I'm so sorry, okay, Bill? I know how this must look. Bill : Get out of my house. Sookie : Bill, do not hurt him. Hoyt : I swear, I wouldn't let it go any further. Bill : I said, get out of my house. Jessica : It's my house too. Bill : Jessica, upstairs. Sookie : Okay, let's all just try to calm down. Hoyt : Good idea. Bill : Are you gonna leave, or am I gonna have to throw you out through a window that is closed? Sookie : Bill, that is just rude. Bill : Sookie, I've got this. Hoyt : I'm going. I'm going. I wasn't gonna do nothing. Bill : It's not her that I'm protecting Hoyt : I don't believe him for a minute. Bill : We established there was to be no hunting in this house. Jessica : Look, I know you feel like sh1t because you had to make me, and you should feel like sh1t. But guess what. I'd never even kissed a boy before that. Meeting Hoyt's the only good thing that's happened to me since my whole new life started. Now, I'm not ready for anything to happen too fast. I'd have been happy just to go on kissing him all night long. Now, is it my fault my fangs come out when I get turned on? Sookie : I think I'm going to like her. Bill : Do not make the mistake of thinking you two can be girlfriends. She is... Sookie : Yeah, I get it. She's a vampire. Believe me I learned my lesson about that. But, Bill, I think we should take her with us to Dallas. I think it would be good for you, because I think, deep down, you don't like vampires even though you are one. Bill : So? Sookie : Hating yourself is a bad thing. Bill : I am a vampire. I am supposed to be tormented. Sookie : You're not just a vampire. Jessica doesn't have to be either. You can teach her how to walk that line between vampire and human. Bill : Yes, because I have mastered that. Sookie : Okay, so you can teach each other. Bill : It's so different for her. When I was made, one had no choice but to live completely outside the human world as an outlaw. A hunter. Humans were prey and nothing else. I envy her. I'll need to call the airline to arrange for two travel coffins instead of just one. Sookie : Isn't it exciting? Our first trip together. Oh, come on, Bill. I was almost killed last night. Again. At least give me this. Daphne and Sam are in the see. Daphne : Do you do this a lot? Sam : Swim? Daphne : night. Sam : Actually, I do. Daphne : I love when it's dark. You have to focus\Non all your other senses. It's amazing what we can feel when you take away the "looking at things" part. You know? Sam : I think it's also because there's no people here. Ain't no boats, no car stereos blasting crap music, nobody saying stupid things way too loud because they're drunk. Daphne : Just the world. Like it was when it was brand-spanking-new. Sam : It is kind of paradise, Bon Temps. Daphne : This little old hick town? Sam : Why not? Daphne : There's not a whole hell of a lot to do, for one thing. Sam : So there's less to distract you from just being where you are when you're there. Daphne : What about the aggressively ignorant people that live here? Sam : Who are very loyal clientele. Once they decide they like a place, they stop looking for anywhere else to go. And they like to drink. Daphne : What are you, president of the JCs? Sam : I'm just a guy who likes where he lives. Daphne : Home sweet home, huh? Sam : I thought it was. I don't know I might be heading off soon. Daphne : Where to? Sam : Someplace probably a lot like this. Daphne : You ain't never lived in the city? Sam : Cities bring out the worst in people. They loose touch with nature. Daphne : It's where they come from do that here too. Sam : Not in the same way. Daphne : My fingertips are turning into raisins, and I feel like pancakes. There's a 24-hour truck stop out on I-20 toward Arcadia, makes the best... Sam : Sweet potato pancakes. Daphne : You know it? Do you wanna come with me? Sam : I'm not really that hungry. Daphne : You're worried about me seeing you naked. I have seen boy parts before. Water ain't exactly opaque. Daphne is getting out of the water. Sam sees big wounds on her back. Tara : I promise I'll start looking for my own place as soon as I... Sookie : I asked you to move in, not crash for a few days. You're family. A limo is picking me up at 5 today, so.. : .I'm on my way. Love you the most. Sookie : Love you more. Maryann : Who do you love the most? What do you have planned today? :I think I'm gonna be taking off. Maryann : For taking off work? Fabulous. Tara : No, I'm gonna go live with Sookie. Maryann : I'm very sorry to hear that. : I mean, me being here was always supposed to be temporary. Maryann : Everything's temporary, Tara. Tara : I don't really wanna dance right now, okay? Maryann : Of course. What happened? You fit so well here, and you seemed to be having so much fun last night. Tara : I think everybody was having a little too much fun last night. Will you tell Eggs I left? Maryann : Sure. I'm gonna miss you. Tara : Thank you so much for everything. Maryann : I'm sure you'd do the same for me. Go. Flourish. And don't every say no to yourself. Jason : I don't know who Lazarus was, but he sure as hell was not the first vampire. Everybody knows it was Dracula. Luke : It's in the Bible, moron. Jesus brought Lazarus back from the dead. Jason : So Jesus made the first vampire? Maybe Jesus was the first vampire. I mean, he rose from the dead too. And he told people, Hey, y'all, drink my blood. It'll give you special powers. Luke : Jesus never said that. An other guy : No, the first vampire was Cain. Being a vampire is the mark of Cain. It's God's punishment for bringing the first evil into the world by killing his brother. Luke : The first evil was Eve eating the apple. That's why they call it "evil". Jason : That wasn't evil. That was just skirting the rules. Evil is making the "premedicated" choice to be a dick. We heard : Jason Stackhouse, please meet Reverend Newlin outside the administration offices. Luke : There's one thing you can count on: God will make sure evil gets punished. Jason : Then explain Europe to me. Reverend Newlin : Morning. Ain't she a beauty? Let's you and me take a little trip together. Jason : Am I in trouble? Newlin : We're all in trouble, Jason, as long as there are vampires in the world. Sookie : I still haven't moved into Gran's room, but you go ahead and take mine. And when I get back, we'll celebrate properly. Until then, happy birthday, I miss her so much. : I know. I do too. So why'd y'all pick Dallas for your trip? Sookie : Bill has some business there. Tara :Hell, do those vampires wanna use your mind-reading again? Sookie : I have Bill there to protect me. Tara : Why are you even with this guy if he makes you do these things? The sx can'be that good. Sookie : It's pretty good. And I love him. Tara : Well, yeah, but... Sookie : You can't just sit around saving your heart for some perfect idea of a man who's never gonna come along. Life is too damn short. Besides, Bill's not making me do anything. I agreed to this to save your fool cousin, thank you very much. Tara : He didn't tell you? Tell me what? I didn't even know he was back. Is he okay? In the doctor's office. Miss Jeanette (dead) is lying on a table. The doctor : I heard there's been panther sightings in Nakatosh. Bud : There are too wide for a panther. The doctor : I can tell you this: There's some nasty poison in that wound. My guess is it paralyzed her. She was alive when they took the heart, and that's what killed her. The policewoman : So it was an animal? The doctor : That did that, definitely. The chest was carved with a knife though. Yeah, I got real clear incisions, so unless you can think of an animal that can wield a hunting knife... Bud : We are looking at a human/animal collaboration. The policewoman : Bud, that doesn't make any sense. Bud : I was making what people with actual sense of humor refer to as a joke. The policewoman : I'm sorry. A black woman is paralyzed and then butchered to death in the town where I live. I didn't realize that was funny. Andy is coming. Andy : I wanna ask about the pig. I seen in this report you wrote up after Tara Thornton's car wreck. Bud : Andy, what are you doing looking through those files? The doctor : I'm going to the gym. Been spending some time with my shirt off recently. So, you guys lock up after me. Okay? Andy : Did you get a good look at that pig? The policewoman : There wasn't any pig. Tara was so drunk she drove off the road. She was making up sh1t to hide it. Andy : Was it brown? Because I've seen that pig in a dollhouse. Bud : Andy, you're drunk. On the job. Andy : I ain't drunk. Like you never had a beer in the middle of the day. Bud : I'm not an alcoholic. Andy : You're just a dumb old man who don't know anything about nothing who doesn't wanna learn. The policewoman : That's not cool, Andy. Andy : I know. I'm sorry, Bud. Bud : I know you are. But I need to be able to count on you in this job, and I can't do that if you're drinking. me your badge. Andy : Hell, no. : I know you in there, even if you won't pick up the phone. : Damn, hooker, sh1t. Tara : How come I have to hear about you being back from Sookie? Lafayette : What else she tell you? Tara : That you got shot and fed on and chained up in some vampire dungeon. Lafayette : Sookie need to keeper mouth shut, and so do you. Tara : you been to the hospital? Lafayette : What you think gonna happen if I show up to the ER with a gunshot wound? I don't need the police up in my business. Tara : You need to see a doctor. Lafayette : For what? So they can give me drugs I already got? I don't left a message on Uncle Cyrus' voicemail. I'm gonna be okay. Tara : I'm gonna stay here and make sure you're taken care of. Lafayette : Oh, no, you're not. Tara : It's my birthday. Lafayette : Hooker, look. I'm not in the partying mood right now, okay? Tara : You don't have to do anything.I'll sit here and watch TV with you. Lafayette : Bitch, look, You know I love you, all right? But I just spent two and a half weeks thinking I'm gonna die at any second. I ain't got it in me to take care of you tonight. All right? Tara : If you die, I'm gonna be really pissed. Lafayette : That makes the two of us. At the Merlott's Terry : I thought you were leaving. Sam : Haven't left yet. Terry : That mean you ain't leaving? Sam : Nope, it means I haven't left yet. Terry : So you are leaving? Sam : Haven't left yet. Terry : Dumbass. Sookie : Are there any lunch specials? Terry : I think I got everything I need to make Jailhouse Chili. Sookie : Are you sure? Because last time, you forgot the corn chips. Terry : sh1t! Right. We'll just call whatever this turns out to be Terry's Scramble. Scrambled Terry's Scramble. Sookie : Hush. Terry : I just don't know if I can do it, Sookie. Sookie: Do what? Terry : Run this place when Sam leaves town. It's too much pressure. Sookie : Sam's leaving town? Terry : He's supposed to be this morning. Sookie: Sam, were you gonna tell me you were leaving? Sam: You weren't here. Sookie : Where are you going? Oh, for Pete's sake, Sam. I know it seems like I led you on, but cut me some slack. My grandmother had just been murdered. Rene was after me. I didn't think Bill was coming back. Sam : Jesus Christ, I really don't have time for this. Sookie : If you care about our friendship I suggest you make time for it. Sam : Look, I got serious sh1t that I'm dealing with right now. Making you feel better is not high on my list. Sookie : I get serious sh1t that I'm dealing with too. And because of some of that sh1t, I'm gonna...need to take off a couple days. Sam : Fine. I probably won't be here when you get back. Sookie : Is that really how you want to leave things? Sam : What other way is there? Sookie : I don't know, but throwing away years of friendship seems pretty damn stupid to me. Back with Jason and Reverend Newlin. They are playing at a game that consist in killing vampires (in picture). Newlin : All right! Here, aim this! Here we go! Jason : Mr. Vampire. You're gone! How do you like me now, you scary-ass Mtherfckers? Sorry. Newlin : You are one hell of a shot, boy. We ought to give you wooden bullets instead of silver ones. Jason : Silver bullets are way cooler. Newlin : Silver bullets won't kill a vampire, they'll just bring him down so he can be staked. But if you shoot a Fanger straight in the heart with a wooden bullet, you are staking him right there. Makes them explode. So I hear. Jason : They just kind of fall apart. It's like a water balloon. Newlin : You've seen it? Damn, I'm jealous. That's got to be a sight watching God's awesome power just obliterate evil right in front of your eyes. One day. One day soon. Tara is watching TV at home. " For young Rafael Cordova, it was the beginning of the longest day of his life. Rafael first ran with the Pamplona bulls the week after he turned 18 following in the footsteps of his two older brothers, and had run five consecutive runs without a scratch." Eggs, Maryann etc : Surprise! Maryann : Did we scare you? Oh, my God! Tara : What are y'all ? Maryann : Nobody should spend their birthday alone. Tara : How'd you even know? The employed of Maryann : Kitchen? Tara : It's through there. Maryann : It's this way. Eggs : What were you crying about? Tara : I always cry on my birthday. It's always the worst day. No matter what I do I end up crying, because my birthday always sucks. Eggs : This is the year that changes. I promise you that. Maryann : We have been planning this party for days, but you threw a major monkey wrench into things by moving out. Tara : Is that a wedding cake? Maryann : What's the difference? It's all about casting off the empty shell of what's dead and embracing the mysteries of what is yet to come. We are gonna have a wicked good time tonight. I can feel it in my bones. I've been on the phone all day calling all your friends. Tara : What friends? At the Light of the Day. Reverend Newlin : Honey? Two Buds, please. Mrs Newlin : Two beers? Reverend Newlin : Is that good? That's why we need the day off, so we can have a beer and relax now and then. Mrs Newlin : All right. One, two. Reverend Newlin : It's really good. Here, cheers! So how's it going? You having fun? Jason : No, this is just great. Reverend Newlin : Do you like country music? Jason : I can't get enough of it. Reverend Newlin : Mostly I listen to... Jason stars to dream about Mrs Newlin. Reverend Newlin : ... I really like to hunt, and I'd go hunting caribous. Jason : Really? Reverend Newlin : Would you believe that Sarah used to be a vegetarian? Jason : I know. Reverend Newlin : Really? She told you that? Mrs Newlin : I hope you boys are ready for some true Southern decadence. Reverend Newlin : You don't really eat Sarah's ribs. It's more like you take a bath in them. Hang on a sec. Mrs Newlin : Here let me. Let's see. Jason : Thank you. Thank you. Mrs Newlin : Is that good? Reverend Newlin : That smells good. Mrs Newlin : All right, smooth that right there. Jason : Feels good. Mrs Newlin : Steve, I think Jason has the makings of a true soldier of God. Reverend : I was just thinking the same thing. Jason : No, I got a long way to go. Reverend : Not as long as you might think. God has chosen you... Mrs Newlin : Amen. Reverend : for His most glorious mission. Mrs Newlin : Praise His light. Reverend : We are forming an elite spiritual army called the Soldiers of the Sun. And Jason, we need you. God needs you. Mrs Newlin : What a blessing. Jason : All right. [SCENE_BREAK] At the Merlott's Daphne : Another Scotch and Coke. Sam : I'll take care of him. Arlène : It's a slow night. Lucky for you. Sam : I thought you quit drinking. Andy :I thought I did too. Sam : Well, I don't want your sister giving me grief if you wreck her car. So I'm cutting you off. Andy : fck you, Merlotte. Sam : I know that's the Scotch talking otherwise I might need to say, "Go fck yourself". Andy : I ain't even got an office anymore. Bud took my badge. Sam : You'll get it back when you sober up and you know it. Now, go home. Andy : So my tight-ass sister and even tighter-ass grandmamma can look at me like I'm a big loser? No, thanks. Sam : No more drinks for Andy. Arlène : He's the only one in here. No one else has come in for over an hour. Sam : Your point? Arlène : Let's close up early, I want to go to Tara's party. Sam : Tara's having a party? Arlène : Yeah. At Sookie's. For her birthday. You know that real elegant woman that Tara's friends with? She's throwing it, and I heard she knows how to throw a party. Andy : She sure does. I can tell you that. Fantastic food. Now I need to ask Tara about a pig. Arlène : So can we go? Daphne : Go where? Arlène : Home. Andy : Party at the old Stackhouse place. Daphne : Party? Well, you can count me in. I've been working hard enough for one day. You going? Sam : I don't think so. Daphne : I hope you change your mind. Miss Thornton arrive (Tara's mother). Sam : Hey, Miss Thornton. Tara's mother : Tara here? Sam : No, she's off today. To the girls : Y'all go ahead. Go ahead, I'll close up. 's mother : How is she? Sam : She's okay. As far as I can tell. 's mother : Y'all ain't together no more? Sam : Good night, Arlene. Tara's mother : Today's Tara's birthday. Twenty-six years old. Would you give this to her? I don't know who else to ask. Sam : Of course. 's mother : Thank you. "Anubis Airlines welcomes you to Dallas, the most vampire-friendly destination in the great state of Texas." Sookie : That's me! I've always loved these. They're like booze for dolls. They gave me 10. You tell I was late. The driver : Supposed to be here before sundown. Sookie : We got delayed for take-off. The driver : Why don't you go and wait in the limo. I got the A.C. cranked up. Sookie : No, thanks. I'm fine. The driver : Oh, go on. There's Cokes in there. He thinks: Just get in the goddamn limo, you stupid bitch. Sookie : Get your hands off me! Bill arrives in his "box" with Jessica. Bill : Make a noise and it will be your last. Jessica : How the hell does this thing open? Somebody help get me out of here. Help! At Tara's party. Sam arrives. Maryann : A present? For me? I love presents. Sam : It's for Tara. From her mom. Maryann : Gift table is in the dining room. Well, I have to say, I'm impressed by your showing up. Sam : Okay, listen. Go ahead and turn me, but you will also reveal yourself in the process. Maryann : Reveal myself as what? Sam : As whatever the hell you are. I don't know what you're doing here, but these are people I care about. And I will not stand by if you try to hurt any of them. Maryann : Even when they've dumped you or chosen a dead man over you? You're really not an Alpha, are you? Tara : Who are all these people? Eggs : I don't see any other people. Tara : Because you only got eyes for me. Eggs : Yeah, you don't like that one bit, do you? Tara : Seriously, who are all these people? And why are they bringing me presents? Not that I'm complaining. Eggs : I like the way you move. Tara : I love to dance. I can't even remember the last time I did. Eggs : That's just wrong. Anybody that dances like you should dance every fcking day. Everyone is dancing. Maryann takes the present of Tara's mother et throws it away. Back at the Dallas's airport. In the car of the man who was angry with Sookie. Bill hypnotise him. Bill : Tell me your name. The man : Leon. Bill : All right, Leon. No one is going to hurt you. Would you like to try? Jessica : Could I? Bill : Here. Lean in close so you can catch his gaze. And just let everything go. Let yourself be dead. You feel it? You are empty. A vacuum. Now you can pull his mind into yours. Jessica : Everything's gonna be okay. There's nothing to fear. Sookie (to Bill) : Don't you worry about a thing. It's gonna be all right. You were very sweet with her. Bill : Sookie, he was sent to abduct you. Jessica : It's gonna be just fine. Bill : Which means somebody\Nknew you were coming. Sookie : Who do you think's behind it? Vampires? Bill : Too sloppy. Maybe that church. Sookie : Bill, they may be crazy, but they're still a church. They're not gonna kidnap anybody. Bill : Churches have done much, much worse throughout history. Jessica : Just trust me. Back with Jason. Luke : What's the dork face about? Jason : I'm moving out. I'm gonna be a Soldier of the Sun. Luke : Really? Jason : You heard of it? Luke : Of course I've heard of it, it's why I came here. I guess you feel pretty special. Jason : Ain't nothing wrong with feeling good when you achieve something. I guess you wouldn't know. Luke : So you think you were the only one they would choose to promote? The only one of this whole camp? Jason : It is what it is. Luke : It's 14 other guys is what it is. Including me. An other man : Yeah, even four girls. Jason : That's great. Congratulations. You gonna bunk at the Newlin's too? Luke : I get it. Preacher's wife needs something to play with. Jason : What? The other man : She wants your hot beef injection. Luke : I can't believe. I didn't see it sooner. Jason : That ain't true. And you shouldn't talk about. Sarah that way. Luke : You work fast. Jason : I ain't working. She's married. Luke : Go for it. She's hot. Jason : She ain't like that. I earned this. Luke : I'm sure you did. Jason : fck you. In Dallas. Hotel. The receptionist : I have you down for a room with no bed? Sookie : No, we need a bed. The receptionist : Of course. I do have a light-lockable room with a king-sized bed. It's a suite. Double soundproofed. Bill : With an adjoining room for my... What should I call her? Sookie : Isn't there a vampire word? Bill : Progeny. Sookie : Call her your ward. You have a ward, like Bruce Wayne. Jessica is still with Leon. Jessica : you give me your cell phone? Thank you, Leon. Everything's OK. Actually, everything's not okay. All your worst fears are about to come true. Unless you scream at the top of your lungs: ... She whispers at his hear. Bill : These accommodations are being covered by a third party, right? The receptionist : Yes, sir, it's all been taking care of by a Mr. Northman. Leon : Becky Eubanks is a stuck-up whore, who let Chase finger her in the church. Bill : She's new. In Bon Temps, Maryann makes a dance and Eggs and Tara are going in a room to make love. Eric is going the Lafayette's home. Eric : Good evening, Lafayette. Lafayette : You can't come into my house unless I invite you in and I ain't nowhere near that crazy. Eric : You have to come out eventually. I have all the time in the world. Lafayette : You let me go! Eric :I gave you a very generous gift. The gift of not killing you. And I'm here to give you something else. The healing elixir that is my 1000-year-old blood. Lafayette : I don't think that's a good idea. Eric :Your leg's already infected. I can smell it. If you don't get that taken care of, you can lose it. Lafayette : Why do you want to give me your blood? Eric : I like you. Lafayette : Bullshit. You want to be able to keep track of me. Why? Eric : You obviously mean something to Sookie. And what Sookie finds meaningful, I find curious. You really have no choice, Lafayette. You know it. Lafayette : fck. Back in Dallas. Bill : Leon, look at me. Look at me, Leon. Everything is going to be okay. Leon : No, it's not. My worst nightmares. Bill : What on earth did you do to him? Jessica : I'm on the phone. Sookie : Maybe if you put your hand on his shoulder. Sometimes touching helps me hear their thoughts better. Bill : Who sent you? Leon : Fellowship of the Sun. Bill : Are you a member? Leon : No, they hired me. Bill : Who specifically? Leon : I'm not sure. It was over the phone. Money was put in a locker for me at a Greyhound station. Bill : And they hired you to do what exactly? Leon : Abduct a human with the Compton party and bring her to the church. Sookie : Do you know my name? Leon :No, ma'am. I didn't even know you were gonna be a woman. All I know is a vampire's using a human to find a vampire Godric. Sookie : Do you know where he is? Leon :No, ma'am, I do not. Bill : You did very well. I'm sure your employers will be pleased. Leon : Think so? Bill : Of course. What could you do? We never arrived. It's not your fault. Leon : Flight never arrived. Bill : We just weren't on it. Leon : I got so nervous for nothing. Eric (to Lafayette who sucks his harm) : That's enough. Don't be greedy. Eric at the phone : You were supposed to call me when you arrived. Bill : We were ambushed at the airport. Eric : By whom? Bill : You know exactly by whom, Eric. The Fellowship of the Sun. Why didn't you tell me they were involved? Eric : I didn't know for sure. Now I do. Bill : You could've shared your suspicions with me. Eric : I could've, but I didn't. You should remember that I am your sheriff, Bill. We are not equal. And if that displeases you, take it up with a majestor. Or the queen. Lafayette : Get that sh1t. There you go. Get that sh1t. fck it, get it. Eric : How's your leg? Lafayette : sh1t, I just want to fcking dance. Hit this. Eric : How nice for you. Lafayette : Come on, come on. Eric : Well, I must fly. Lafayette : Vegas, baby. Vegas, baby, Vegas, baby. Jason in his new room at Newlin's house. Mrs Newlin : You getting situated okay? Jason : Thank you, ma'am. Mrs Newlin : Sure was fun today. Jason : Yeah, it was. Mrs Newlin : Are you nervous? Jason : A little. Mrs Newlin : Why? Jason : Well, it's just that, uh...,I ain't never been in a place this nice before. It's all too much. Mrs Newlin : Aren't you sweet. I am so proud of you. Jason : Come on. Mrs Newlin : So... proud. Jason : Can I ask you a question? Am I the only one staying here, in your house? Mrs Newlin : We had a special dorm for the soldiers, but it only sleeps 14. And you're number 15. Jason : Good. Good. Mrs Newlin : and you're also the best. I mean, the one that we have the highest hopes for. Jason : I'm going to try not to disappoint you. Mrs Newlin : You do that. Jason : Okay. Mrs Newlin : And, let me know if you need anything, because we're just at the end of the hall. Big double doors. Sookie and Bill are together in the hotel room. Eric : Eric. You wanted to talk. Bill : This is important. Eric : Meet me at the bar. Sookie : Fudge. Eric : I admire you, Bill. It takes a real vampire to admit the cannot protect his human. Bill : And it takes a true monster to not care about anyone or anything other than himself. Eric : I care about others. Bill : You care about Godric. You have no obligations to Dallas or Texas. This is personal for you. Why? Eric : I hope you'll enjoy your blood substitute, which is costing me $45. Bill :I have no intention of drinking it, I just want you to pay for it. Eric : You're so mature. Bill : Answer the question. Why this allegiance to Godric? Eric : He's much beloved by his subjects. Bill : Only kings and queens have subjects, Eric, not sheriffs. Eric : Godric could have been king of Texas had he wanted. He could have been king of any vampire territory anywhere. He is twice as old as I am and very powerful. There are none above him in the new world. Bill : Well, if he's so powerful, how could they abduct him? Eric : Now, that is what worries me. If one such as he can be taken by humans, then none of us is safe. Bill : What can I give you to release Sookie from her agreement? Eric : Nothing, since you like humans so much, I think you would want to protect them. The vampires here, they're like cowboys, if they don't get Godric back, they'll want justice. They'll start attacking people. Bill : Open aggression against humans? That's insane. Eric : Well, it's Texas. At Sookie's house. Daphne and Sam. Sam : Jesus. Daphne : Here. Daphne : I've been wanting to do that since you showed up tonight. (They kiss). Sam : I'm wondering if this is a good idea. Daphne : It's a great idea. You're sweet as hell and adorable and scruffy with that little grey in your hair and that hot little nose. And, damn, boy, do you know how to wear a pair of pants. What's wrong? Sam : Listen, I need to tell you something. Daphne : No, you don't. Sam : Yes. Yes, I do. Daphne : No. You don't. I know what you are. Sookie : Who is it? Jessica : I ordered something. Is that okay? The waiter : Male. Straight. B-negative. Travis : Hi, I'm Travis. Jessica : That's for me. Sookie thinks : What am I supposed to do? I know Bill doesn't want her to do this. How old is he anyway? He looks barely legal. The waiter : He's 21. Sookie thinks : That's weird. Almost like you read my mind. The waiter thinks : I did read your mind. fck, Barry. Just smile and act like it's a coincidence. Keep your stupid mouth shut. Sookie (says) : But it's not a coincidence, Barry. Barry, wait. End of the episode.	Plan: A: Jessica's dismay; Q: What does Jessica think of Bill throwing Hoyt out of his house? A: Sookie; Q: Who invites Jessica to accompany them to Dallas? A: Tara; Q: Who agrees to move into Sookie's house? A: Maryann; Q: Who throws Tara's birthday party? A: the last laugh; Q: What does Jason have when he is invited to stay with the Newlins? A: the Newlins; Q: Where does Jason end up staying after being the victim of a cruel practical joke? A: their lavish mansion; Q: Where does Jason stay with the Newlins? A: The attraction; Q: What becomes more intense between Sarah and Jason? A: Steve; Q: Who offers Jason a position in the Soldiers of the Sun? A: Miss Jeanette; Q: Who was the woman found in Andy Bellefleur's car? A: the same creature; Q: Who attacked Sookie? A: the kidnapping; Q: What does Bill prevent? A: the abductor; Q: Who did Bill glamor? A: the Fellowship of the Sun; Q: Who sent the limousine driver to abduct Sookie? A: a traumatized Lafayette; Q: Who is visited by Eric? A: Lafayette; Q: Who drinks Eric's blood to heal his leg? A: the lavish Hotel Carmilla; Q: Where do Sookie, Bill and Jessica stay in Dallas? A: vampires; Q: Who does the Hotel Carmilla cater to? A: her birthday; Q: What special day does Tara spend alone in Bon Temps? A: a surprise party; Q: What does Maryann throw Tara for her birthday? A: a gift; Q: What does Sam bring to Tara from her mother? A: connects; Q: What does Sam do with Daphne? A: Daphne; Q: Who reveals to Sam that she knows what he is? A: Lettie Mae's gift; Q: What does Maryann throw away for Tara? A: an intense sexual energy; Q: What does Maryann's incantation fill the party with? A: sex; Q: What do Tara and Eggs have? A: a beast; Q: What does Maryann turn into when she performs an incantation? A: the missing vampire sheriff; Q: What is Godric? A: their safety; Q: What does the disappearance of Godric mean for Bill and Eric? A: Barry; Q: Who is the bellhop that Sookie meets at the Hotel Carmilla? A: minds; Q: What is Barry able to read? Summary: Bill throws Hoyt out of his house, much to Jessica's dismay. She storms off, and Sookie invites Jessica to accompany them to Dallas. Bill reluctantly agrees. Tara agrees to move into Sookie's house, and Maryann appears supportive. Jason becomes the victim of a cruel practical joke but winds up having the last laugh when he is invited to stay with the Newlins in their lavish mansion. The attraction between Sarah and Jason becomes more intense, and Steve offers him a position in the Soldiers of the Sun - Steve's "elite spiritual army." It is revealed that Miss Jeanette, the woman found in Andy Bellefleur's car, was murdered by the same creature that attacked Sookie. Sookie arrives in Dallas with Bill and Jessica. A limousine driver attempts to abduct her, but Bill manages to prevent the kidnapping and learns, after glamoring the abductor, that he was sent by the Fellowship of the Sun. Meanwhile, a traumatized Lafayette is paid a visit by Eric, who offers him some of his blood to heal. Lafayette suspiciously drinks Eric's blood to heal his leg. Sookie, Bill and Jessica arrive at the lavish Hotel Carmilla, which caters specifically to vampires. Back in Bon Temps, Tara spends her birthday alone until Maryann shows up with Eggs to throw her a surprise party. Sam shows up with a gift to Tara from her mother and connects with Daphne, who reveals to Sam that she knows "what he is". Maryann throws Lettie Mae's gift for Tara away. As the party grows more and more wild, Maryann performs an incantation which fills the entire party with an intense sexual energy. Maryann turns into a beast once again and Tara and Eggs have sex. Bill and Eric meet and discuss the missing vampire sheriff Godric and what this means for their safety. Sookie encounters a bellhop named Barry, who is also able to read minds.
[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Kai: To get home, we'll harness the power of the eclipse using a mystical relic. Elena: What about Bonnie? Damon: She sacrificed herself so I could come back. Kai: Where did you put your magic? Bonnie: I put it somewhere safe? Caroline: I hate you because if I don't hate you then I have to hate myself, and I deserve better than that. Enzo: She hates because she's got a thing for you, mate. Liam: I got a look at Lady Whitmore's labs. It turns out the injury doesn't exist anymore. You're not just a liar, but you're a liar with secrets. I'm older than you. By 5 minutes. Tyler: Just trying to check what page we're on. Luke: When the coven calls us home, they don't care if we're in love or not. Liv: You sound like dad, and that's not a compliment. [SCENE_BREAK] [ FLASHBACK - MAY 9, 1994 ] ( Jo lies on the ground, a knife stuck in her abdomen. In the distance, screams and whimpering is heard while Kai calls out ) Kai (V.O.): Josette. Where are they? ( Jo pulls the knife out, sobbing quietly ) Kai (V.O.): Oh, Jo. Come on out, Jo. I know you can hear me. ( Jo gets up, dripping blood on the floor; she walks to the next room and sees two young children hiding ) Kai (V.O.): Josette? Where are they, Jo? Jo: ( whispering ) Hey. Everything's gonna be OK, all right? Everybody's just playing a game. You guys want to play a game? You want to play hide-and-seek? Shh. OK. ( Kai follows Jo's trail of blood ) Kai: Come on out, Jo. You know I won't kill you. ( Kai walks slowly into the bedroom where Jo and the children are hiding under the bed. He starts to walk away after a minute, but then comes back and lifts up the bed. The scene transitions into Kai opening the trunk of a car ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ PORTLAND, PRISON WORLD ] Kai: Wakey, wakey. ( Kai pulls Bonnie out of the trunk; her hands are bound with rope ) Kai: Ohh. Bonnie: How did I... Kai: Get so lucky to arrive here on a private flight piloted by yours truly? Oh, you would have been super-impressed with my flying skills, but I'd already knocked you out with painkillers. Bonnie: Where are we? Kai: Portland, Oregon, stomping grounds of Courtney Love, Tonya Harding, and tons of other awesome people. Bonnie: You could have brought me anywhere in the world, and you took me to Portland? Kai: This is where I grew up. ( Kai cuts off the ropes roughly ) Bonnie: Ow! Kai: I've been counting eclipses since I was imprisoned on this empty planet, and according to my running tally, I've been here for 6,771 supernaturally repeating days, so in the real world, which we'll never get back to because you sent your magic away in a Teddy bear, today's my favorite day of the year. Bonnie: And what day is that? Kai: Thanksgiving. I'm cooking you dinner. [SCENE_BREAK] [ CAROLINE AND ELENA'S DORM ] Elena: I'm a vampire. Caroline: I don't know. Maybe a little less emphasis on vampire. Elena: I'm... a vampire. I mean, there's only so many ways you can say it. Caroline: Well, maybe Liam will stop digging into Lady Whitmore's miraculous recovery, and you won't have to come clean. Elena: Or he'll keep digging, realize that I force-fed her my vampire blood, and then just bail. Caroline: OK. You know all of this can go away with one fell mind wipe. Elena: So lie, and lie - again, and again, and again. Caroline: OK. If you want to tell him the truth, I support you 100%, but if you're rushing into this to escape some conflicted feelings over a certain ex who just came back into your life, then I suggest you keep your fangs to yourself. ( Jo enters ) Elena: Jo. Jo: Hi. Elena: Where's Alaric? Jo: Don't kill the messenger. Something about an impromptu guys' weekend. ( A few minutes later, Elena is on the phone with Alaric ) Elena: You can't miss Friendsgiving. I mean, Matt and Jeremy are already cleaning up the whole Tripp mess, and Caroline's mom has to work. We're already low on friends as it is. Alaric: Well, if it's any consolation, our Thanksgiving was roadside chili. ( Stefan and Damon talk while Alaric continues talking to Elena ) Stefan: Hey. Were you invited to Friendsgiving? Damon: Of course. Caroline demanded I bring string beans. Stefan: Huh. Damon: Why? Were you not invited? Stefan: Nope. Damon: Ooh, boy. You messed with the wrong girl's feelings. Heh heh. ( Elena reacts to what Alaric has told her offscreen ) Elena: What do you mean Bonnie's in the prison world? Damon said that she wasn't there, that she found peace with... Why didn't he tell me this? Damon: Why wouldn't I consult you in a decision that might permanently change your life? Hmm. I wonder. Alaric: He didn't want to get your hopes up. He honestly thought Bonnie died trying to free him. If she sent her Teddy bear over, it could mean she's still... Elena: Bonnie's still alive? Oh, my God! Alaric: Yeah. So we're in Portland right now, trying to track down some Gemini thing. Damon: Ascendant. Elena: This is amazing. Stefan: Alaric, you might want to keep the news to yourself. I tracked this lead months ago. It was a dead end. Alaric: Stefan sends his love. Elena: Wait. What... ( Alaric hangs up; Caroline appears behind Elena ) Caroline: Bonnie's alive? ( Elena nods, and they both laugh and smile ecstatically ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ PORTLAND, OREGON ] Alaric: Is that the reason Caroline assigned me the turkey and the Cranberries. Stefan wasn't invited. Damon: See what you did? Now we're pulling your weight. I really hope you figure this out before Christmas. Stefan: Yeah. Well, I'm glad you're both finding amusement in this. Damon: Why don't you just date her, put us all out of our misery? Stefan: Because I don't think about her that way. She's my friend. Damon: Who would make a great girlfriend. Look. One, she's hot - objectively. Alaric: Two, she puts up with you. Damon: Big plus. Three, very, very well organized. Stefan: Organizational skills? Damon: There are no drawbacks to this woman, Stefan. Alaric: ( to Damon ) Eh, she did sleep with you. Damon: See? Another plus. Stefan: Oh! Look. We're here. Behold the Gemini Coven exactly how it looked 4 months ago. ( The three look at what appears to be a completely empty field ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ PORTLAND, PRISON WORLD ] Kai: Ah. Memories. ( Kai walks onto the porch of a house, which is where Alaric, Damon and Stefan are in the real world ) Kai: Pitter-patter of little siblings' feet, witchy-woo, chanting in the air, mom and dad calling me an abomination. Bonnie: Why did you want to come back here? Kai: Because I can finally show it to someone. My coven goes out of their way to make sure no one finds us, but since they're not here to be paranoid freak shows, mi casa es su casa. Come on. ( Bonnie follows Kai into the house ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ PORTLAND, REAL WORLD ] Stefan: Like I said, uh, 3,000 miles ago, it's not here. Can we, uh, go home now, please? Alaric: You know what? Check the GPS again. Just because we don't see anything doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Damon: Not unlike Caroline's feelings for Stefan. Stefan: Hilarious. Keep them coming. ( Damon holds Ms. Cuddles next to his face and uses a high-pitched voice, moving the bear's arms around ) Damon: Oh, no. Is Stefan feeling sensitive about ruining his friendship with Caroline? She really liked him, and he broke her heart. Alaric: See, Stefan? Even the bear knew. Damon: ( Ms. Cuddles voice ) I saw that from a mile away, and my brain's made of cotton. Stefan: Give me this. ( Stefan grabs the bear and punts it straight into the field. It hits some kind of invisible barrier, and suddenly a large house appears in front of them. Damon walks up onto the porch and picks up Ms. Cuddles ) Damon: Ms. Cuddles, one - invisible creepy mansion, zero. [SCENE_BREAK] [ CAROLINE AND ELENA'S DORM ] ( Tyler sets a bucket of ice onto the dinner table; Liv walks into the room ) Liv: Where do you want the stuffing? Tyler: Well, hello to you, too. ( Jo enters ) Jo: I'll take that. Hi. I'm Jo. You look... have we met before? Liv: Liv, and no, but you're dating my Occult Studies professor, which I guess somehow earned you an invite for Thanksgiving dinner. Jo: Nice to meet you, too. ( After this frosty introduction, Jo leaves the room with the dish Liv brought ) Tyler: Where's Luke? Liv: He's outside testing a new filter on his phone. He's making me this stupid retrospective video for our birthday. Twenty-two. Go us. ( Liv dumps her jacket into Tyler's hands as Elena enters carrying more dishes of food. Elena mouths, "What's with her?" but Tyler just shrugs. Elena turns around to see Liam arrive ) Elena: Liam, hey. You're here. Liam: Bearing the white wine of surrender. I owe you an apology. I checked Lady Whitmore's medical records again, and everything was normal, which I would have known if I had double-checked them before making accusations that were unfounded, baseless, dickish. Is that enough adjectives? Elena: ( smiling ) Getting there. ( Jo walks over to take the wine from Liam ) Jo: ( to the wine ) Am I glad to see you. ( to Liam ) You, too, Liam. Elena: ( to Liam ) Come on. ( Elena hands a dish to Liam ) Elena: Would you mind? Liam: Yeah. Elena: Thanks. ( Elena walks over to Jo ) Elena: Hey. Um, did you... Jo: Risk my career switching Lady Whitmore's medical chart? I'm glad it worked. Elena: Yeah. Thank you. ( Jo smiles as Elena looks relieved ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ PORTLAND, REAL WORLD ] ( Damon rings the doorbell of the house and the three of them wait on the porch; Alaric is holding Ms. Cuddles ) Stefan: Anybody want to take a stab at how Bonnie's Teddy bear undid whatever was cloaking this place? Damon: He said without laughing. Alaric: Jo told me she got rid of her magic by putting it away for safekeeping. Maybe Bonnie put her magic away in this. Stefan: Why would Bonnie put her magic in Ms. Cuddles? Damon: To keep Kai from using her to get out. ( Damon opens the door but can't enter - he hasn't been invited in ) Alaric: Can't say I miss that. Damon: It's all yours, brother. ( Alaric hands Ms. Cuddles to Damon before walking into the house. He walks up the stairs, cautiously ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ PORTLAND, PRISON WORLD ] ( Kai crosses a hallway, which is covered in bloodstains. He joins Bonnie in the kitchen ) Kai: That smells great. Not exactly a turkey dinner, but it's what my family had in the fridge on May 10, 1994. ( Bonnie picks up Kai's pager and takes it out of the case ) Kai: Don't touch that. Bonnie: ( laughing ) Your pager? Why? Kai: Because it's brand-new, looks cool, and I don't want you to bust it. ( Kai takes the pager away and returns to the stove where he's making dinner ) Bonnie: Listen, Kai. My magic's gone, which means we will be stuck here forever. Why don't we just divide the world in half and go our separate ways? Kai: I get it. I knocked you out, kidnapped you against your will. Can't you see I'm trying to apologize? Bonnie: I will never trust you or like you or enjoy your company for so much as one second, so just quit trying. Just let me leave here unharmed. Kai: Fine. Can we at least have one last dinner conversation before my eternity of aloneness resumes? Bonnie: So you agree? One last dinner, and then we peacefully go our separate ways. Kai: In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I'll even let you take my car. ( Bonnie accepts this, and picks up a bottle of wine ) Bonnie: How can I help? [SCENE_BREAK] [ CAROLINE AND ELENA'S DORM ] Caroline: All right! If everyone could gather around the table at their assigned seats, then, um... ( Luke walks in ) Luke: Oh. Sorry I'm late. Caroline: ( continuing ) We will each share something that we are thankful for in 100 words or less, so... ( While everyone else sits, Tyler walks over to Liv ) Tyler: Do you want a drink? Once we sit, there's a good chance Caroline won't let anyone get up. Liv: I'm not really in the mood. Tyler: Did I do something to piss you off? Liv: No, Tyler. You didn't. ( She pats him on the shoulder as she walks over to the table ) Luke: Uh, anyone want to see some embarrassing baby videos of Liv? Caroline: Oh. You know what? Now would actually be an excellent time just to shut down anything with an on-off button. ( Luke ignores her and plays a video on his phone; Tyler and Liv watch from behind him ) Caroline: ( sarcastically ) No. Please let the food get cold. Whatever that is is far more important. ( On the video, a woman's voice talks to two children ) Woman: Happy Birthday! Wave to me! Children: Hi, Josie. Woman: How old are you? Children: Four. Woman: How do you add that? You guys want to do some numbers? OK. What's one plus one? Children: Two! Woman: Two plus two? Children: Four! Woman: Nice. ( Jo enters the room with Elena; she looks puzzled ) Jo: What are you watching? Elena: That kind of sounds like your voice. Jo: That is my voice. I took that video 18 years ago at a birthday party for the twins. Liv: Oh, my God. Jo: Lukas and Olivia? Luke: Jo as in Josette? Elena: Hang on. You guys know each other? ( Jo is tearing up ) Jo: I'm their sister. [SCENE_BREAK] [ PORTLAND, REAL WORLD ] ( Outside the house, Alaric sifts through a handful of photographs ) Alaric: Jo lived here. There's a drawer inside full of stuff, newspaper articles about Jo's medical clamp, pictures of her as a kid, pictures of her as a teenager. ( Damon grabs a photo out of the stack ) Damon: Hold, please. Rewind. That's Kai from planet 1994. Stefan: Wait. Jo is his sister? Damon: Either that, or they both have a thing for Cosby sweaters. ( A man appears several feet away ) Joshua: I didn't know I had guests. You've met Kai? Damon: Met him? Watched him die, watched him come back to life. Why? You know him? Joshua: Yeah. He's my son. I'm Joshua Parker. Damon: Damon Salvatore. ( They shake hands ) Joshua: Invisique. ( After the spell, Stefan and Alaric look around in confusion ) Stefan: What the hell just happened? Alaric: I don't know. Damon: What's wrong with you guys? Joshua: They can't see you anymore, Damon, which means they also can't see this. ( Joshua holds up his hand toward Damon's head, and Damon groans in pain, clutching his head and sinking to the ground ) Damon: Ohh! No! ( Alaric and Stefan can't see the house, Damon or Joshua anymore - they've disappeared ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ CAROLINE AND ELENA'S DORM ] Caroline: So if you don't know each other, then how did you all just happen to end up at the same tiny liberal arts school? Jo: We had a family friend here... Sheila Bennett. Elena: You knew Bonnie's grams? Jo: She took me under her wing. She also helped my family put Kai away. Elena: Kai? Wh... Kai as in Damon's Kai? Jo: As in our brother, my twin. Caroline: There are two sets of twins in your family? Luke: Yeah, there were until my coven put Kai in a prison world. Liv: Now there's just Luke and me. ( Liam stands up ) Liam: I'm sorry. Did you say coven? Elena: Oh, my God. Liam... ( looks significantly at Liv and Luke ) Is still here. Tyler: I think he meant "oven". Elena: Yeah. Caroline: Oh, look! We don't have a wine opener on the table. ( compelling ) Liam, you have a wine opener in your room. Why don't you get it? Take your time. ( Liam leaves under Caroline's compulsion ) Caroline: As you were saying, you put Kai away? Jo: Kai killed 4 of our bothers and sisters to make a point, but he was really targeting Lukas and Olivia. Tyler: Why them? Jo: Because in our coven, twins are in line to be leaders. Liv: Hence our lame-ass name... Gemini. Jo: Kai wanted to be the leader, but that wasn't possible if Lukas and Olivia were alive. [SCENE_BREAK] [ FLASHBACK - MAY 9, 1994 ] Jo (V.O.): So I protected them with magic. ( Kai lifts the bed and turns it over; young Lukas and Olivia have disappeared, leaving Jo alone to face Kai ) Jo (V.O.): Which just pissed him off more. Kai: Where are they? Jo (V.O.): My brother was born without his own magic. He can only draw it from others. It made him feel like a freak. My parents saw him acting out, isolating himself, and they realized that he'd never be capable of leading our coven, so they kept having children until another set of twins were born. ( In the flashback, Kai opens an armoir, but the children aren't there. He kicks it, breaking the doors. Jo sobs on the floor ) Jo (V.O.): Kai figured it out, and he snapped. ( Kai picks up a baseball bat ) Kai: Where are they?! ( Jo says nothing and Kai kicks her hard in the stomach; she screams in pain. ) Jo: Run! ( The children appear from under the cloaking spell and run into the next room; Kai follows the sound they made ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ PORTLAND, REAL WORLD ] ( Damon wakes up and finds himself lying on a sofa. He groans in pain, then sits up and sees Joshua standing across the room, holding up a hand ) Joshua: Just need some information. Not looking to make enemies. Damon: Funny way of showing it, buddy. Joshua: You were trapped with Kai. I need to know how you got out. Damon: Ohh. Strangest months of my life. That whole repeating the same day thing, phew, disconcerting. Joshua: Is Kai still there? Damon: Yeah he is, with my friend Bonnie, which leads me to why I'm here. Joshua: Does Kai know how to escape? Damon: Look. I'll tell you everything you want to know, but first, I need something from you. It's round, about yea big, a bunch of little gears and wheels and things. It's a lot harder to describe than I thought. Joshua: The Ascendant. Damon: Yeah. You know it. Where is it? Joshua: Why would I give you the key to my son's prison? Damon: Because I'll say please? Joshua: Do you have any idea what it feels like to come home and find 4 of your children dead, another one impaled, two running for their lives? Do you think that image has ever left my mind? [SCENE_BREAK] [ CAROLINE AND ELENA'S DORM ] Liv: He was a psychopath, so they sent him away. Kai went to his prison, Jo dodged a bullet, and now the leadership falls on us. Caroline: OK. Well, now that we've all gotten to know each other a little bit better, could someone please pass the dinner rolls? Liv: Sorry that my family drama isn't appropriate dinner conversation, Caroline. Caroline: That's not what I meant. It's... ( Liv stands up and starts to leave ) Tyler: Liv... Liv: Just... Leave me alone. ( Liv leaves ) Elena: OK. I think I may have missed something. If you and Liv can both be the leaders of your coven, why did she just get so upset? Luke: Because there aren't two leaders, are there, Jo? Jo: In our coven's tradition, after their 22nd birthday, the twins merge their strength. The stronger one wins, absorbing their twin's power, and the weaker of the two... Tyler: The weaker of the two what? Luke: The weaker one dies. ( Luke gets up and leaves ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ WHITMORE BAR ] ( Liv pours herself a shot at the bar where she works; she hears Tyler walk in ) Tyler: Caroline's out looking for you. She wanted to apologize. [beat] Why didn't you tell me? Liv: What? That my coven requires my brother and me to merge when we turn 22? Because that's not totally screwed up. Tyler: You're talking to a guy with a gene that turns him into a wolf. Look. If you don't want to merge, then don't. Your coven doesn't control you. Liv: My coven needs a leader. You don't understand that because you're not one of us. You're not even supposed to be in my life. Tyler: Let me help you. Liv: You can't help me. Why do you think I'm trying to get rid of you? When I look at you... I feel everything I don't get to have. I either die in the merge, or I get to live with the fact that I killed my own brother. So tell me, Tyler, how can you help with that? [SCENE_BREAK] [ PORTLAND, REAL WORLD ] ( In a dimly-lit room, Joshua lights some candles with magic ) Damon: So when you say merge, you don't actually mean merge, do you? Joshua: That's exactly what I mean. If Kai gets out, he'll head straight for Jo. His ability to siphon magic will overwhelm Jo, and she will die, and our coven will be left to the whims of a madman. Damon: Which is now moot thanks to Blond and Blonder, thank goodness. Look. Let's talk about this Ascendant. Joshua: I won't let him out, Damon. Damon: All right. I wasn't gonna say anything because you're his dad and all, but if he gets out, I'll just kill him. It's that simple. Joshua: I've watched Jo her whole life. She's done well on her own, survived war, become a doctor, but if Jo merges with Kai, she will cease to exist. Kai won't just be our coven's problem. He'll be everyone's problem. ( Joshua drops a locket with a picture of Jo inside into a bowl. Outside, Alaric talks to Jo on the phone ) Alaric: I think I met your dad. Jo: Well, that's improbable considering he lives in Portland. Alaric: Believe it or not, I'm actually in Portland. Jo: Ric, you need to tell me what's going on right now. ( Meanwhile, Stefan talks to Elena on the phone ) Elena: Damon's gone, as in into thin air? Stefan: Oop. Careful. You just sounded genuinely concerned for my brother. Elena: I don't have feelings for him anymore. That doesn't mean I want him to blink out of existence. Stefan: He didn't. It's some sort of cloaking spell. Alaric's on the phone with Jo trying to figure out how to break it. Elena: And to think we could have all been sitting around stuffed, playing board games. Stefan: So just to be clear, Jo was invited to Friendsgiving, but I wasn't. Elena: Friend code states that in matters such as yours and Caroline's I must, with no exception, take the side of my best friend. Stefan: Huh. Elena: Can you two just kiss and make up? It's getting weird. Stefan: You're just mad because no one knew how to carve the turkey. ( Elena laughs; she watches as Liam returns and walks toward the table ) Elena: ( to Stefan ) How did you know that you could trust me? Stefan: Trust you with what? Elena: When you were honest with me about what you were. How did you know that you could trust me with such a huge secret? Stefan: That's easy. I was in love with you. I wanted you to know everything. [beat] You owe me dinner. ( Stefan hangs up. Elena looks at Liam thoughtfully; he looks back and they smile at each other. Meanwhile, Jo is still talking to Alaric ) Jo: Ric, listen to me. If my dad knows that you want to open Kai's world, he'll think you're going to free him. He's going to retaliate. ( Inside the house, Joshua begins a spell ) Joshua: Phesmatos incendere ad pulvox. Damon: What the hell are you doing? ( Jo continues ) Jo: And I hate to break it to you, Ric, but you traveled 3,000 miles for nothing. The Ascendant's with me. Alaric: You got to be kidding me, right? ( Suddenly Jo collapses ) Elena: Jo? Are you OK? Jo: Something's wrong. Alaric: Jo? ( Jo stumbles forward as Elena and Liam try to help her ) Elena: Jo, what's wrong? Jo: I think my dad... Elena: Jo, what the hell is going on? Jo: My dad's trying to kill me. ( Jo grabs at her head, groaning in pain ) Liam: What the hell is she talking about? Her dad's trying to kill her? Alaric (V.O.): Jo, Jo, answer the phone. ( Elena picks up Jo's phone ) Elena: Ric? Alaric: Elena, what the hell's going on? Elena: Something's happening to Jo. You have to find her dad and stop him from whatever he's doing to her. Stefan: Well, that's gonna be problem because even if we could see the house I haven't been invited in. ( Elena holds out the phone near Jo ) Elena: Invite him in. Jo: You can come in! Alaric: But we can't even see the damn house. Jo: They need magic! ( Jo starts coughing up blood ) Jo: Crap. Liam: Elena, we have to do something. Definite signs of hemoptysis. Jo: Shut up, Liam. ( to Elena ) Ask them if they see an old tree stump in the front yard? Stefan: Yeah, I see it. Jo: Go there now! [SCENE_BREAK] [ PORTLAND, PRISON WORLD ] ( Bonnie watches Kai eat ) Kai: Mmm. Mmm. Bonnie: Really? You've been eating that same piece for 45 minutes. Kai: Is it a crime to want to savor our last meal together? Bonnie: I had Thanksgiving dinner with you. Now you keep up your end of the deal and give me your car keys. Kai: I should probably teach you how the clutch works. It's finicky. Bonnie: Quit stalling and give me your keys. Kai: Fine. I'm stalling. Mmm. But don't you want to hear how my story ends? Bonnie: I've read the newspaper. You murdered your siblings, and your coven sent you to live in this prison world. Kai: My family sent me to this prison world. My father, the great coven leader... he treated me like crap for 22 years and then locked me here. It's like his... like his kids didn't even matter. Coven always came first no matter what. [SCENE_BREAK] [ PORTLAND, REAL WORLD ] ( The locket with Jo's picture is melting ) Joshua: If Kai has access to an Ascendant and is sharing his prison with the Bennett witch, he will eventually find his way out. At least, this will keep him from merging. Damon: You're just gonna take out Jo? Joshua: The coven comes before family. ( Damon rushes at Joshua with vampire speed and shoves him up against a wall, but Joshua immediately subdues him with magic. Damon groans in pain, collapsing onto the ground. Jo's picture slides out of the melting locket; outside, Stefan and Alaric sift through a bunch of leaves in the tree stump and find a knife ) Stefan: What the hell are we gonna do with a knife? Alaric: Maybe it's Jo's version of Ms. Cuddles. ( Stefan takes the knife and throws it toward where the house should be, and the house reappears, the knife stuck into one of the porch posts ) Alaric: Nice shot. ( Inside the house, Damon still moans in pain on the floor while Joshua goes to the fireplace and takes a wooden candlestick off the mantel. He breaks it, creating a rudimentary stake; he raises his hand as though to stake Damon, but Stefan enters with vampire speed, holding the knife against Joshua's throat, but Joshua subdues him with magic; Stefan falls to the ground ) Joshua: Invisique. ( Stefan looks up to see that Joshua has disappeared; he and Damon stand up, recovered ) Stefan: Well, I guess the, uh, disappearing act's their shtick. Damon: Yeah. Hey. Anybody hear from Jo? [SCENE_BREAK] [ CAROLINE AND ELENA'S DORM ] ( Elena gathers ice into a towel ) Liam: You need to tell me what's going on. Elena: You have to get more ice. Liam: I'm not an idiot, Elena. I know you're lying to me, so whatever it is, just tell me, please. ( Jo starts convulsing; Elena and Liam rush to her side ) Elena: She's crashing! Liam: Dr. Laughlin, look at me. Elena: Jo, can you hear me? Jo! Liam: Come on, Dr. Laughlin. Please wake up. ( to Elena ) Check for dilation. ( Elena pulls open the lids of Jo's eye; the sclera is blood-red. Elena and Liam sit back, shocked ) Liam: Holy crap. What the... what happened to her? Elena: I don't know. Liam: Call 9-1-1. I'll start CPR. ( Elena stands, but doesn't move ) Liam: Call 9-1-1, Elena. We need help. She's about to die. ( Elena looks torn; her eyes start to vamp out ) Elena: Liam... Liam, there's not enough time. ( Elena bites her own wrist ) Liam: What are you doing? ( Elena crouches beside Jo and feeds her her blood; Liam sees Elena's vein-y eyes ) Liam: Elena, your face. Elena: It's OK. My blood will heal her. ( Liam watches Elena incredulously; after a few seconds, Jo gasps and wakes up ) Elena: Jo? Jo: I'm OK. Elena: I'll get you some water. ( Elena gets up and walks away; Liam, still hardly believing what he's seen, goes after her ) Liam: Elena. Elena, stop! How did you do that? How did you do that?! Elena: I'm a vampire. Liam: You're what? Elena: It doesn't matter, because as much as I like you, my life is complicated enough. ( compelling ) So you're not gonna remember anything from tonight or about Lady Whitmore or the fact that we even dated at all. You're gonna go home, get some rest, and I'll see you at work on Monday. Liam: I'll see you Monday, Elena. ( Liam touches Elena's shoulder and leaves; Elena watches him go, looking upset but resigned. Jo watches the exchange with sympathy, blood staining her chin. The scene transitions to the night Kai tried to kill her ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ FLASHBACK - MAY 9, 1994 ] ( Outside the house, Jo stumbles toward the tree stump, carrying the knife as Kai calls out ) Kai: Olivia, Lukas? ( Jo stashes the knife beneath some leaves in the stump ) Kai: Olivia? Lukas? Come out, come out, wherever you are. ( Kai walks out onto the porch and into the yard ) Jo: Stop! I'll do it. I'll merge with you. Just don't hurt anyone else. [SCENE_BREAK] [ PORTLAND, PRISON WORLD ] ( Bonnie and Kai walk in the front yard toward the tree stump ) Bonnie: So Jo agreed to the merge? Kai: Well, we needed a celestial event, so the plan was to use the power of the eclipse happening the next day. She even gathered our coven to help. [SCENE_BREAK] [ FLASHBACK - MAY 1994 ] ( Jo and Kai stand in the center of a large circle of coven members ) Jo: The power of the eclipse will merge us as one. You know what to say? Kai: Been practicing my whole life. ( They take each other's hands, close their eyes and begin to chant ) Jo & Kai (together): Sanguinem desimilus... Sanguinem generis fiantus. ( Nothing happens; Kai looks at Jo, puzzled ) Kai: I don't feel anything. ( Jo feigns ignorance, and closes her eyes, as though they should try again ) Kai: ( alone ) Sanguinem desimilus... Sanguinem generis fiantus. ( Kai opens his eyes to find Jo looking at him; she doesn't look surprised, but rather as though she knows exactly why it isn't working ) Kai: Josette, what did you do? Why can't I feel your magic? And why aren't they saying anything? They should be saying something. They should be saying something, right? We're merging. This should all be a bigger deal. ( Suddenly Joshua appears, holding the Ascendant and stepping forward from the circle of the coven around them; Kai shouts in pain and drops to his kness as Joshua begins a different spell ) Joshua: Sanguinem filio, sanguinem effurgarex perpetuum. Sanguinem filio, sanguinem effurgarex perpetuum. Kai: Aah! Aah! Joshua: Phesmatos filio, phesmatos effurgarex perpetuum. ( Kai lies on the ground, as though pinned down, and whimpers ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ PORTLAND, PRISON WORLD ] Kai: They tricked me good. Instead of using the power of the eclipse for the merge, my dad used it to send me here, and where'd Jo's magic go? You know, it made zero sense. Magic doesn't just, like, disappear, but then you made yours disappear when you hid it in Ms. Cuddles, and it hit me. My sneaky little twin sister hid her magic... ( Kai reaches into the pile of leaves in the tree stump and withdraws the knife ) Kai: In this. Hmm. Bonnie: Still there. Kai: Still here and still full of magic. ( Kai closes his eyes and Bonnie backs away slightly; after a few seconds, Kai sighs and lets go of the knife, leaving it floating in midair ) Kai: Well, it was. I just sucked it out. Bonnie: You have magic again. Good for you. Kai: I also have the Ascendant. Bonnie: Doesn't matter. You need a Bennett witch to do the spell. Kai: About that. I've watched you do the spell twice now. I don't think I need a Bennett witch to do the spell. I think all I actually need is Bennett blood. ( Kai stabs Bonnie with the knife; she falls to the ground, unconscious ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ PORTLAND, REAL WORLD ] ( Damon, Alaric and Stefan walk back to the car ) Damon: All right. So let's just get this straight. We went to the airport, we took off all our clothes for security just so I can come out here, have my brain scrambled by papa Kai, who by the way can disappear into thin air... Poof... only to find Jo's rusty knife full of magic. Stefan: And we learned that the Ascendant, i.e. the only reason we flew our asses out here in the first place, is actually with Jo at Whitmore, 5 minutes from where we started. Great. Alaric: Jo said she kept it with her to ensure that Kai would never be released. Damon: Genius. Great. Then we go home. Shotgun. Come on. Alaric: Guys, hey. We can't do this, OK? We need to find another way, and one that doesn't end up with my girlfriend dead. Damon: Girlfriend? You've been on, like, 3 dates. Stefan: Nice, Damon. Damon: What? I'm just saying he barely knows her, and her literal evil twin is over there with Bonnie right now. Alaric: Guys, I will do what I can to help, but we're not letting her brother out, all right? The Ascendant is off the table. ( Damon walks over to Alaric and compels him ) Damon: OK. Get the Ascendant from Jo. Do whatever you got to do to get it, you understand? Alaric: I understand. Stefan: What are you doing? Damon: What? You got a better idea? ( Stefan says nothing; Damon grabs his bag and they get into the car ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ LOCKWOOD MANSION ] ( Liv is sleeping on a sofa; Tyler walks in and puts a glass of water on the table ) Tyler: Good morning. ( Liv wakes and sits up ) Liv: Where am I? Tyler: You passed out, so I brought you home. Liv: You kidnapped me? Romantic. Tyler: I am protecting you, Liv. I'm not letting you sacrifice yourself because your coven needs a leader. Liv: They'll come after me. Tyler: Let them. Magic doesn't work in Mystic Falls, so if your coven wants to find you, they'll have to do it the old-fashioned way. They'll have to go through me. ( After a beat, Liv takes Tyler's hand into her own ) Liv: I'm sorry I ruined Thanksgiving. Tyler: You'll make up for it next year. We'll find another way, Liv. I'm not going to let you die. ( Tyler puts an arm around her, and she relaxes against him ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ CAROLINE AND ELENA'S DORM ] ( Caroline walks out into the hallway and notices Stefan ) Stefan: Hey. Caroline: Hey. You're here. That's good. That actually saves me a trip. Needless to say, there were leftovers. ( She hands him a box ) Stefan: You made me a doggie bag. Caroline: ( laughing ) Just because I hate you doesn't mean I want you to starve to death. Besides, Bonnie's alive. You know, this is, like, the first Thanksgiving in forever where there's something to actually be thankful for, so... Stefan: Caroline, um, look. When Damon was gone, I, um... I pushed you away. Caroline: Yeah, I know, Stefan. You pushed everyone away. It's kind of what you do. Stefan: But I pushed you away the most. I knew that you were the one person who would sit with me and let me cry, and I didn't want to cry anymore, so I had to push you away the most. Caroline: Thank you for saying that. ( Caroline starts to smile; Stefan shifts awkwardly as they wait for each other to say something ) Stefan: Listen... Caroline: Enjoy the leftovers. ( Caroline leaves, still smiling; Stefan stays behind, but turns in the direction she left, still slightly emotional after his confession ) [SCENE_BREAK] [ WHITMORE BAR ] ( Damon sits at the bar with a glass of bourbon; Elena walks in and sits near him ) Elena: You should have brought me with you. Well, first, you should have told me that Bonnie was alive, and then you should have brought me with you. Damon: Well, Ric had more frequent flyer miles, and Ric didn't deliberately forget our entire relationship. Elena: Yeah. I deserve that. Damon: Mm-hmm. Elena: So you and Bonnie spent the last 4 months together? Damon: Yeah. Elena: What did you do? Damon: Bicker, mostly. Cooked, ate. We went through a Tetris phase, but I beat it, and she got mad. ( Elena laughs ) We talked. A lot. Apparently there are a lot of words in the English language, and Bonnie knows just about all of them. Elena: Yep. I know this is gonna sound pretty strange, but I'm really happy that the two of you had each other. Damon: She sacrificed herself so I could come back. Hmm. Wow. Because when she wasn't talking, she was listening. She listened for hours and hours and hours, so when the opportunity presented itself for me to come back, she made sure I took it. Elena: What did you talk about? Damon: What do you think? ( Elena realizes he meant her ) Elena: I broke up with Liam. Damon: Dr. Future-Humanitarian-Award wasn't good enough? What went wrong? Elena: What do you think? Look. I'm at a crossroads right now, where I could go live my life the way I think I probably should and be successful and safe and probably very happy, or I could risk all that for this tiny glimmer of a feeling inside that I just can't shake. Damon: Well, Robert Frost, what's it gonna be? Elena: I don't know... But I do know someone who could give me some pretty sound advice. ( Elena takes Damon's hand on the bar ) Elena: Any chance you'd be willing to help me bring my best friend Bonnie back? So, I could ask her? ( Damon half-smiles ) Damon: Sure. [SCENE_BREAK] [ PORTLAND, PRISON WORLD ] ( Bonnie wakes up to a buzzing sound nearby; she picks up Kai's pager and sits up. The number reads "03171" ) Bonnie: What? ( She turns it around; upside down, the numbers appear to read "I LIED" ) Bonnie: "I lied"? ( She stands up, looking around ) Bonnie: There's no car. The bstrd took the car. ( Bonnie starts to become overwhelmed by her dire situation - being stranded in the middle of nowhere, alone ) [ END ]	Plan: A: Caroline and Elena host Thanksgiving; Q: What do Caroline and Elena do at their dorm? A: Elena; Q: Who saves Jo with her blood? A: her vampirism; Q: What does Elena want to confess to Liam? A: Stefan; Q: Who tries to make peace with Caroline? A: Gemini; Q: What coven does Stefan, Damon and Alaric go to Portland to contact? A: hope; Q: What do Stefan, Damon and Alaric try not to give Elena? A: his parents; Q: Who called Kai an abomination? A: their home; Q: What did Kai's parents try to hide from Bonnie? A: Damon and Alaric tease; Q: What do Damon and Alaric do to Stefan about Caroline's feelings for him? A: a house; Q: What does Stefan uncloak? A: false accusations; Q: What does Liam apologize for to Elena? A: Lady Whitmore's; Q: What medical track did Jo alter? A: his car; Q: What does Kai agree to let Bonnie leave with? A: one last dinner; Q: What does Kai agree to let Bonnie have with him before she leaves? A: Jo's twin brother; Q: Who is Kai? A: the same family; Q: Where do Luke and Liv come from? A: the Covens leader; Q: What did Kai kill his siblings to be? A: another cloaking spell; Q: What does Kai's father cast on Damon? A: repeated hell; Q: What trap does Joshua want to know how Damon got out of? A: The twins; Q: Who explains that there can not be two leaders in the coven? A: two leaders; Q: How many leaders can there be in the coven? A: 22nd; Q: On what birthday does one of the twins have to die? A: the world; Q: What does Joshua think Kai would be a problem to if he escaped? A: time; Q: What does Stefan arrive in to save Jo? A: a magic knife; Q: What does Stefan use to stop Kai from killing Damon? A: 1994; Q: When did Jo spell the knife that Stefan uses to stop Kai? A: Liam's shock; Q: What reaction does Elena get when she saves Jo? A: the logic; Q: What does Kai explain to Bonnie about his exile? A: the same spelled knife; Q: What does Kai reveal to Bonnie? A: Tyler; Q: Who vows to protect Liv? A: a gift; Q: What does Caroline give Stefan to make peace with her? A: their relationship; Q: What do Elena and Damon discuss? A: the stab; Q: What did Bonnie recover from? Summary: As Caroline and Elena host Thanksgiving at their dorm, Elena seeks ways to confess her vampirism to Liam. Stefan, Damon and Alaric go to Portland to contact the Gemini coven concerning the ascendant whilst trying not to give Elena hope. Kai takes Bonnie to the same location and tells her his parents called him an abomination and tried all they could to keep their home hidden. Damon and Alaric tease Stefan about Caroline's feelings for him prompting Stefan to kick Bonnie's Teddy bear into the air and uncloaking a house. Liam apologizes to Elena for false accusations after Jo had altered Lady Whitmore's medical track. Kai agrees to let Bonnie leave unharmed with his car if she has one last dinner with him. In a surprising turn of events it is revealed that Kai is Jo's twin brother, Luke and Liv are both siblings to them and stem from the same family. Kai killed his four siblings targeting Luke and Liv to be the Covens leader. While searching for answers, Damon meets Kai's father, Joshua, who casts another cloaking spell on him. As Damon wakes Joshua demands to know how he got out the trap of repeated hell and if Kai also knows the how to escape. The twins explain that there can not be two leaders in the coven and on their 22nd birthday one of them has to die. Joshua explains that he can not help Damon bring out Bonnie because if Kai escapes, he will be a problem to the world. He starts a spell to kill Jo and then tries to kill Damon but Stefan arrives in time to fend him off with a magic knife Jo spelled in 1994 while at the same time, Elena saves Jo with her blood much to Liam's shock whom she compels afterwards. Kai explains the logic of his exile to Bonnie, reveals the same spelled knife and sucks out its magic. He then tells Bonnie he does not need her anymore but needs her blood and stabs her. Tyler vows to protect Liv and Stefan tries to make peace with Caroline who hands him a gift. Elena and Damon discuss their relationship. Finally Bonnie recovers from the stab and discovers Kai took the car and left her there.
[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Peyton : Hi Mick Wolf ! Mick : You look just like her. Haley : One of my best friends Brooke owns clothes over bros and she sent you a gift. Brooke : My store was robbed and I was attacked. I'm calling the lawyers tomorrow and I'm divesting my interests in clothes over bros. Now you have a company and no daughter. Nathan : I'm gonna do this. Jamie : Hey daddy when you play in the NBA, you should play for the bobcats. Lindsey : I'm sorry Lucas. I can't marry you. Lucas : I love you. Peyton : yes. Lucas : You didn't let me ask you. Peyton : yes baby yes. Jamie : Mama! It's grandpa Dan! he's dead! Haley : No buddy. he's alive. Grandpa Dan is alive I promise. Jamie : Then can we go see him? Carrie : I am going to kill you. But first I'm gonna get Jamie back. And you're gonna help me. AT NANNY CARRIE'S GARDEN Dan : They say we leave this world Just the way we came into it naked and alone. Lucas : So if we do leave with nothing. What then is the measure of a life? Is it defined by the people we choose to love? Nathan : Or is life simply measured by our accomplishments? Brooke : And what if we fail? or are never truly loved? What then? Can we ever measure up? Dan : Or will the quiet desperation of a life gone wanting drive us mad? AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Peyton : Morning. So I heard from the church and we have a date! I marked it on the calendar. Lucas : That was quick. That's good. that's great. Is that okay? You do still want to get married right? Lucas : Yes. Right here right now. Peyton : Then what? Lucas : Well you know how I have to take the shuttle today to New York for my book launch meeting? Peyton : Yeah. so? Lucas : Well it's just. I haven't exactly told Lindsey about us or the wedding. Peyton : Luke. Lucas : I know. I should have told her about it by now but that's just not something I can do over the phone. AT CLOTHES OVER BROS Peyton : There you are! Lucas and I set a date this morning So I have to ask you a really big favor. Brooke : Okay. If it's about money it's probably not the best time. Peyton : Oh god stop it! I need a dress! And if it helps I promise to pay full price. Is my best friend down? Brooke : Sure. Do you want the Lindsey Strauss tear away train? It's what all the runaway brides are gonna be wearing this season. Peyton : So not funny. No I was thinking something like nontraditional you know? Like rocker, glam, chic kind of like Stephanie Seymour dress She wears in the guns n' roses video. Brooke : Swanky. I can do that. Peyton : Who peed in your cheerios? Brooke : I just had a thing with Victoria. I don't mean to take it out on you. For the record it is very nice to see you so happy. Peyton : Thank you. Everything is going really good you know? It just it feels right with Lucas and the label's taking off. I have a music legend in my studio right now. Brooke : Who? Peyton : It's Mick wolf! Brooke : Cool? Peyton : You are so musically challenged ! I guarantee you ... you have like 30 songs on your Ipod That he's played on. And he knew Ellie, so it's like this window into a world That I've never gotten to see. I mean you cannot imagine what it's like to finally find out what your mother was like when she was young. Brooke : Maybe a little. Peyton : Brooke what happened with Victoria? Brooke : Nothing. It's not important. I'm fine. Let's get to work on the dress huh? AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Nathan : Scott residence. Yeah this is him. Yes sir ... Uh yes sir. I could be there today if you want. Absolutely. I'm ... I'm looking forward to it too. thank you. Haley : Everything okay? That was the general manager for the fort Wayne dleague team. Haley : The dleague? Jamie : Basketball mama! Nathan : It's just a developmental league team but the G.M. wants to meet with me today. That was the NBA calling. Jamie : I told you! you're gonna play in the NBA! Haley : My god baby! Jamie : Daddy I'm so proud of you! AT CARRIE'S GARDEN Carrie : Today is the day Dan Scott dies and I get my Jamie back. AT CLOTHES OVER BROS Sam : Need to make some returns. Brooke : Are you kidding? Those were gifts. You have a lot of nerve even setting foot in this store. Sam : Last time I checked it's okay to return gift items. Brooke : Well it's not okay. Just like it's not okay to steal. Sam : I didn't steal from you. You didn't give me a chance to pay ? Brooke : I didn't give you a chance to pay? When exactly were you planning on paying me? Was it after you assaulted me and called me a bitch or maybe after you ran your thieving little street urchin ass down the block? Brooke : Excuse me. Can I help you? Man : Yeah you can. I got a work order here to box up all your remaining store inventory for shipment to New York. Brooke : What? says who? Man : Victoria Davis. Brooke : Swell. It's your lucky day. Victoria Davis the new president of clothes over bros Will be happy to give you a full cash refund. Sam : All rightly. AT PEYTON'S STUDIO Peyton : Is that a les Paul? Mick : close. It's a it's an aristocrat. Peyton : Imagine if that guitar could talk the stories it would tell. Mick : Oh I don't know. This baby's been around some pretty crazy stuff. It's probably best that she doesn't speak. Peyton : Was it around when my dad fell in love with Ellie? Mick : Yeah. it was. Peyton : So what was it like love at first sight or what? Mick : Pretty much. I mean they met on tour and I don't remember which one it was but I remember that she fell for your dad instantly. Peyton : What about him? Did he like her right away? Mick : Well ... you know they tried to play it cool like it wasn't a big deal. But it was. I mean everybody knew that they re just meant to be together. Peyton : Um I should probably let you get back to work huh? Mick : Yeah. right. Peyton : I'm just gonna be right out here if you need anything. Mick : Right. yeah. AT THE GYMNASIUM Bobby : Nathan Scott. Great to meet you. how was your flight? Nathan : Oh it was good sir. thanks so much for having me. Bobby : It's "bobby." Hey I really appreciate you coming up here short notice but I wanted you to have a good look at the facility before we really get into things. As you'll see everything here is state of threat. the owners have spared no expense. Nathan : I see that sir. Bobby : It's just "bobby." just "bobby." Come on. let me show you around ... Make no mistake. we want to win here. We've got some good players on our squad some of whom you'll meet today. I know that with the right coaching. We can send some of them to the NBA next season. And all that begins right here. So Nathan how does it feel to be in a real gym again? Nathan : Good. it feels good. Bobby : I bet it does. come on. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Jamie : Mom the phone's for you. Haley : Yes hello? Yes that's my son. Yeah he's very cute. who I ... I'm ... I'm sorry. Can you repeat that? ... Hospice? Deb : Come here babe. Haley : Yeah. just a second. Yes. I understand. thank you. Carrie : And I'm so looking forward to making your acquaintance and of course meeting your charming son ... Looks like my "sucky" plan is going to be a smashing success. So what would it like for its last meal? Deb : Haley? you okay? Haley : Nathan was right all along. Dan really has gone off to die. Deb : What do you mean? Haley : I just got a phone call from his hospice nurse. She thinks it's only a matter of hours now. I'm so sorry Deb. Deb : Oh please. It's just. It doesn't sound like Dan. Haley : What do you mean? Deb : Well I would have expected a little more grandstanding. That's all. Haley : Well she says he's asking for Jamie. Thinks I should bring him by. Deb : Do you think Jamie should see him like that? Haley : I don't know. After everything he's been through with Quentin and now seeing Dan's gravestone I promised him he could see his grandfather. Deb : So what are you gonna do? Haley : I don't know. Oh I wish Nathan were here. AT LINDSEY'S OFFICE Lindsey : You're here. So how was your flight? You ready for today? Lucas : Yeah it was fine. Listen there's something I really need to talk to you about. It's important and I probably should have talked to you about it a while ago but ... Lindsey : Look I don't want this to be awkward for either of us. All right? We have to work together so let's not do the heavy emotional thing. I'll be okay if you're okay. Lucas : Okay? Lindsey : Wait till you see what we have planned for you today. It's gonna be great. Starting with this. So what do you think? Lucas : I think it looks amazing. AT PEYTON'S STUDIO Mick : So these are your all time favorites? Peyton : Um some of them. Some of them just look really cool. Mick : Okay, five albums. Five that you couldn't live without if you were stranded on a desert island. Peyton : Really? Mick : Show me a person's favorite records and I'll tell you everything you need to know about them. Peyton : Okay. Fine. But you're gonna have to write yours down too. Mick : Okay. it's a deal. AT THE PSY Brooke : I caught a young girl shoplifting the other day. I was pretty hard on her. The Psy : Did you feel threatened by her? Brooke : No. No I actually felt myself feeling jealous. The Psy : Jealous? Brooke : I realize I let the company matter too much. You know we spend all this time building something up and then we don't enjoy it. We just sit there terrified that someone's gonna take it away from us. And there was this girl and she didn't answer to anything or anyone. And that made me jealous. The Psy : What are you going to do about that. With regards to your company? Brooke : Well it doesn't matter. I don't have to worry about clothes over bros anymore. The Psy : And why's that? Brooke : I gave it all away. I signed the company over to Victoria. The Psy : Do you regret that? AT THE GYMNASIUM Bobby : So you liking what you're seeing so far? Nathan : Are you kidding me? it's great. I got to say this came out of nowhere. I'm really really grateful you called. Bobby : No no. pleasure's all mine. I got to tell you I've had my eye on you for a while. I watched you win those two championships at Gilmore. I saw you play at Maryland. Nathan : Well thank you but I'm more interested in the future. Bobby : Good. I'm glad to hear you say that. 'cause we could really use a good young coach like you. Nathan : You want me to coach? No. I thought you wanted me to play. Bobby : Well Nathan your playing days are over. Come on. you must know that. AT PEYTON'S STUDIO Peyton : All right number three : "Joshua tree." Mick : Oh that is so predictable "Physical graffiti." Peyton : Oh Oh that's cheating. That's like two albs really. Okay fine. Number two "Nevermind" and not just because you played on it. Mick : "Exile on main street" and that "Nevermind" thing is a error. Peyton : Supposedly. Mick : Okay so that leaves number one. What do you got? Peyton : Oh that's easy. It is the first record I ever bought Elvis Costello "My aim is true." What? ... Hey why do you think in all this time my dad has never reached out to me? Mick : I'm not sure I can answer that at least not in a way that's gonna make you happy. Peyton : Why'd they give me up? Mick : Peyton we .. I mean all of us were really screwed up then. You know Ellie never planned for you and you got to understand that it just never would have worked. Peyton : Hey I was wondering. If maybe you wanted to come by tonight. 'cause hopefully Lucas will get home early and I know he would really like to meet you and I just ... I was hoping you could tell me all about my parents. I want to know about my dad. Mick : Be careful what you wish for. Peyton : Please. Mick : Okay. Be there. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Phone : Hey it's Nate. leave it. Haley : Nathan. Hi I'm really sorry to bug you up there but it's about Dan. I need to talk to you. I got a phone call from his hospice nurse this morning and it's not good. You should call me. I love you. bye. Jamie : What's a hospice? Is something wrong with grandpa? You said he was okay. Haley : I did. I know I did. It turns out grandpa's really sick. Jamie : But he's gonna get better right? Haley : Come here. Sometimes people get so sick that they can't get better. Jamie : Is he gonna die like Quentin ? Haley : Yeah. Yeah I'm afraid so buddy. Jamie : I didn't get to say goodbye to Quentin. Do I get to say goodbye to grandpa? Haley : Yes. Yes let's do that. AT THE GYMNASIUM Bobby : Look I apologize if we got our lines crossed here. I just thought that you understood Nathan : I was interested in you for the coaching position and I appreciate it. I'm flattered okay? I really am, but I'm not ready for that yet. I can still play. Bobby : Nathan that was no small injury you suffered. It was spinal cord right? Nathan : Yeah. yeah it was lower back. Bobby : Well most guys wouldn't even be thinking about coming back. They'd just be thinking about walking right. Nathan : I'm not most guys. Bobby : And I can appreciate that. Nathan : Look I've been rehabbing okay? I'm in shape. I can play. You just have to let me show you. Bobby : I have the utmost respect for you wanting to play again. You're a warrior. you always have been but I'm looking for a coach. Now I've always valued how smart a player you were. And I know that you've been coaching. Nathan this is where your future is. All right. I hope that you will think about it. I know that you will be a great asset here very popular and great for attendance. I know you'd do a good job. AT LINDSEY'S OFFICE Lucas : Hello? Peyton : I know you're in the middle of it. I'm sorry. Lucas : No it's okay. Kind of a break in the action right now. What's up? Peyton? Peyton : Um nothing. I just wanted to hear your voice. Lucas : Peyton what's going on? Peyton : It's Mick. He's my father. Lucas : Wait. He said that? I mean he told you? Peyton : No no not yet. But that's what tonight's about. He's coming over for dinner. Lucas : But you're sure he's your dad? Yeah he slipped up and I just ... I know ... I mean I honestly think I've known since the minute we met. But he's my father Luke. Lucas : It's gonna be okay Peyton. Peyton : You think so? 'cause I'm kind of nervous. Lucas : You're gonna do great. I just wish I was there. Lindsey : Luke they're ready for us. Lucas : Hey I'm sorry but they need me. I'll call you as soon as I get out okay? Peyton : Okay. Luke? Lucas : Yeah? Peyton : I always feel better when I get to talk to you. I love you. Thanks. Lucas : Love you too. bye. Man : So there you have it Lucas. You'll have signings in all the major markets. We're looking at a major ad buy in print and radio. And we're working on all the regional and national talk shows. Lucas : That sounds great. Man : All that's left to discuss is the schedule. We want you to start strong so Omaha's up first on the 24th. Your first book sold very well there. Lucas : Next 24 excuse me. I have a problem with the Chicago date. Man : The schedule's pretty firm at this point. Lucas : Yeah I'm ... I'm sorry but I can't. Lindsey : Lucas Chicago's our second biggest market. A change is gonna cost a lot of money. Lucas : I understand. but I need to change it okay? Lindsey : Luke can I see you in my office for a second? ... Lucas what are you doing? This book launch is a really big deal. I know that. I just you know they didn't even want to do a book tour? They didn't. But I made them because I believe in you and I fight for you. Lucas : I appreciate it. Lindsey : What could possibly be more important than Chicago? Lucas : My wedding ... It's Peyton ... We're getting married. And that's why I can't go to Chicago. Lindsey : I see. Lucas : I wanted to tell you okay? But Lindsey : Then why didn't you? Lucas : I just ... Lindsey : I'll talk to them about Chicago. Lucas : Lindsey. Lindsey : I guess I was right all along about you and Peyton but I wish you could have done this over the phone. AT THE PSY Brooke : So do you think I was foolish to give my company to my mother? The Psy : Do you think you were foolish? Brooke : Do you always answer a question with another question? The Psy : Does it bother you? In my humble opinion. It was never truly going to be your company as long as she was part of it. Brooke : Yeah. After I did it I felt great. At first I felt liberated but now I just ... I feel kind of empty. Everything that I worked for is gone. I just have this store. And even that's empty now. The Psy : That freedom you were jealous of can be scary sometimes. Have you talked to anyone else about this? Brooke : No. I saw my best friend today and I couldn't bring myself to tell her. The Psy : Why do you think that was? Brooke : I don't know. I feel a little ...a little bit like I failed. You know? I'm watching all my friends move on with their lives. Haley and her family and Millicent is moving to be with Mouth and Peyton with Lucas and they're all moving forward and it's like I am stuck here standing still and ... The Psy : Brooke. You're 22 years old and the founder of a multimillion dollar corporation. I'd hardly call that standing still. Brooke : But it's gone. The Psy : You'll do something else. You're intelligent you're creative. You'll figure it out. Brooke : Right. but what if I don't figure it out? The Psy : You will. But that's not the real question. Brooke : Then what is? The Psy : All you've talked about is your work Brooke. But when you mention your friends being happy you define that happiness strictly in terms of relationships and family. The question is why are you so insistent on going through life alone? AT THE GYMNASIUM Bobby : So what do you think? Nathan : I don't know. Bobby : Listen letting go of playing is hard. It was for all of us. But it doesn't mean you have to let go of basketball. Nathan : I have to talk to my family about it. Bobby : You do that. I'll stall for a few days and wait to hear back from you. AT LUCAS'S HOUSE Peyton : Okay dad. I'm waiting. AT THE BAR Lucas : I never meant to hurt you. Not then and not now. Lindsey : I know. The thing is I saw it coming all along. I just tried to wish it away. It wasn't fair to me or to you. Chicago will be fine. I'll make it okay. Lucas : Thank you. Well I should go. I'm gonna miss my flight. Lindsey : Okay. Lucas : All right. Lindsey : Lucas. You forgot something. Lucas : Lindsey ... Lindsey : It's okay. You know the first time we met right here. I told you I was pulling for the couple in the book. Goodbye Lucas. AT CARRIE'S HOUSE Dan : It's not too late you know. Carrie : Too late for what? Dan : To stop all this. Carrie : I'm afraid I can't do that. Dan : Yes you can. Please. I'm begging you. Carrie : "Please"? Where's the big scary guy from the motel Dan? The guy who was gonna kill me? I guess you're not so tough when the shoe's on the other foot. Dan : You touch one hair on Jamie's head and you'll get to meet him. You crazy bitch! Aaah! no! aah! Carrie : Looks like someone needs a little something to make sure they're on their best behavior. Sweet dreams. Dan : No. No. No. No. Carrie : Well well. look who's here. Haley : Okay pal. I need you to stay in the car. I'll be right back. I just want to make sure we're in the right place. Jamie : I want to come with you. Haley : Just stay in the car. Keep the doors locked. I'll be right back. I promise. Jamie : Okay. Haley : Dan? Dan? Oh god Dan. Dan it's Haley! Wake up! Dan : Haley? Help. Haley : I have Jamie with me. Dan : Get jamie. Haley : Dan what is going on? What happened to you? Carrie : Hello Mrs. Scott. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Deb : Let's see where are you. There you are. AT CARRIE'S HOUSE Jamie : Mama. Where are you mama? ... Aah! Carrie : Hi Jamie! It's me Nanny Carrie. Open up. Jamie : No! mama says you're a bad person! Carrie : Oh that's not true. I love you remember? Now open the door buddy. Jamie : No! I want my mama! Carrie : I am your mama now! Now unlock that door this instant! Jamie : No! Carrie : Looks like somebody needs to learn some manners. Jamie! Dan : Haley. Haley you have to get up. Haley. Wake up. Haley. You have to wake up. Carrie : Jamie! Jamie! I'm sorry I got mad sweetie! Just tell me where you are jimmy-jam. I won't be mad anymore. I promise. I've got something special for you. Haley : It's mama. Haley : I'm really sorry to bug you up there Nathan. I just I really need to talk with you. It's not good. you should call me okay? I love you. bye. Haley : It's gonna be okay. I promise. We just have to get you out of here okay? Okay. Phone call ... Run! Carrie : Jamie! Jamie! Haley : Run Jamie! Run! run! Deb : Guess there's more than one crazy nanny in this town. Bitch. Are you okay? Deb : How's Jamie? Haley : He's ... he's scared to death. He's gonna be okay. How are you? Deb : This was a 1995 Dom Perignon! I was saving it for the day I was rid of Dan Scott for good. A girl can dream right? Haley : You saved us. How did you know? How did you know that we were here? Deb : I knew something was up when I saw the address. Dan always hated the woods. Dan : God I hate the woods. AT THE BAR Girl : Are you okay? Brooke : I'm fine. excuse me. Uh just the check please. Girl : It's taken care of honey. Brooke : What do you mean? You didn't have to do that. Sam : Yeah well I figure it's your money anyway. Besides I owed you for that shirt. Well got to bounce. curfew. My mom worries if I'm out too late. Brooke : It's not a bad thing to have a mom who worries about you. Sam : Yeah. AT THE BAR Mick : Just shut up and pour okay? AT CLOTHES OVER BROS Millicent : Hi Brooke : Hi Millicent : I heard there was a great startup company around here looking for its first employee. Victoria called me today to fire me. I guess she didn't know you already did that. Brooke : So what do you say? Millicent : You looking? Brooke : I might be. It'll be long hours horrible pay and no job security. Millicent : It sounds perfect. AT CARRIE'S HOUSE Carrie : You think you can kill me? You can't kill me. I'm still here. Dan : I already called the police. they're on their way. Carrie : So? what are they gonna do? I'll get out and I'll come back. Dan : Do you remember what I told you I'd do if you ever came near my family again? I told you I'd kill you. But you didn't. Carrie : I'm not dead. Dan : Sure you are.	Plan: A: Peyton; Q: Who believes Mick is her father? A: a wedding date; Q: What do Lucas and Peyton set? A: Ellie; Q: Who is Peyton's mother? A: Lindsay; Q: Who does Lucas meet in New York to plan his new book? A: a team; Q: What is Nathan asked to coach? A: a crazed Nanny Carrie; Q: What do Haley, Dan, Jamie and Deb have to deal with? A: Meanwhile Sam and Brooke bond; Q: What happens to Sam and Brooke? A: Kenotia; Q: What band did the episode "Sam and Brooke" come from? Summary: Lucas and Peyton set a wedding date. After talking more to Mick about her dad and Ellie, Peyton believes Mick is her father. Lucas goes to New York and sees Lindsay, to plan his new book and he comes clean. Nathan is asked to coach a team while Haley, Dan, Jamie and Deb have to deal with a crazed Nanny Carrie. Meanwhile Sam and Brooke bond. This episode is named after a song by Kenotia .
MUSIC IN: EXT. BOAT - DAY (SFX: SHOUTING B.G.) BRAD: (SHOUTS) Yeeeahaaah! Whoo! LISA: Take it easy. BRAD: Come on! KYLE: Dude, did you hear the guy at the hotel this morning? They spotted Mako sharks. BRAD: Please, they go after seals, not this hard body. LISA: Brad, this isn't a joke. BRAD: The odds of a shark attack against humans is about ten thousand to one. I saw it on the Discovery Channel. KYLE: I don't know, bro'. BRAD: Fine. You girls stay up here where it's safe. I'm gonna get up close and personal with the coral reef. (BRAD JUMPS OVER THE RAILING INTO THE WATER) (SFX: SPLASH) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. UNDERWATER (MUSIC OVER ACTION/BRAD SWIMMING) (SFX: UNDERWATER SHOUT) (MUSIC OUT) (THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY GIBBS: The body was in the water less than twenty-four hours. NAS Key West tagged and bagged and shipped it over. TONY: We have an I.D.? GIBBS: Seaman Russell MacDonald. Nineteen. Assigned to the USS Foster. KATE: Destroyer. Spruance Class. GIBBS: Hey, look at that! New kid on the block's been doing her homework. GIBBS: USS Foster left Roosevelt Roads Naval Station two days ago en route to Norfolk. This is her position now. The body was found here, in the Bahamas. TONY: Roosevelt Roads? GIBBS: Yeah. TONY: That's Puerto Rico. GIBBS: Yeah. TONY: I love Puerto Rico. GIBBS: I'm glad. TONY: No boss, you don't understand. I love Puerto Rico! KATE: You been there a lot? TONY: No! No, that's just it. I've never been there! I mean, I'm so wanting to go ever since I was a kid! I'm so wanting ... sorry. I just always... GIBBS: ... wanted to be there. TONY: Yeah. GIBBS: Sometime night before last, Seaman MacDonald went overboard. KATE: Anyone see or hear anything? GIBBS: No. Didn't know he was missing until he failed to report for duty. KATE: Anything in the medical? GIBBS: We'll get all that when we get onboard. Anything else unusual? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY DUCKY: This is exactly how he was found. TONY: Dress Whites? Why? GIBBS: No one knows. There were no formal events scheduled. KATE: The sword? GIBBS: Officer's ceremonial. TONY: Our man's enlisted. GIBBS: Yeah. Doesn't make much sense, does it? DUCKY: Here's something else for the mystery tour. This so-called ceremonial sword is sharp enough to slit someone's throat. Do you know why they drive on the left hand side of the road in England? Dates back to medieval times. Most people were, and still are, right handed. It allowed them to slash at one another when passing on horseback. Ha! Now why, you might ask, doesn't this hold true for the rest of Europe? KATE: Why the chain on the waist? DUCKY: Ah... these.... (DUCKY LIFTS WEIGHTS) DUCKY: ...these were attached to it...each twenty five pounds. Now whether he put them on himself or someone did it for him, that much weight sent him down fast. Well, if you'll excuse me, I'll get our poor seaman out of his wet clothes. TONY: You're not going to say, 'and into a dry martini," are you? DUCKY: No. No, we'll save that for later... for me, I'm afraid. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY GIBBS: The Seaman was local. Address is in the file. You don't have to do the dirty deed. CACO already notified next of kin. TONY: Why me, Boss? Wouldn't a woman be more sympathetic? GIBBS: That's why Kate is going with you. KATE: I'm sure Tony can handle it alone. GIBBS: When did an order turn into a debate? [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. MACDONALD HOUSE - DAY (CAR DOORS OPEN/CLOSE) TONY: I hate this. I really do. KATE: Going to be that tough? TONY: You have no idea. KATE: No, I don't. (BEAT) Tony? TONY: Yeah. KATE: Take a breath. Think of Puerto Rico. TONY: Good idea. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. MACDONALD'S - DAY KATE: According to what's been reported, Russell didn't seem to have a lot of friends on the destroyer. MACDONALD: Oh no, he had many friends on the ship. He told me so in his letters. TONY: Was the sword Russell's? MACDONALD: It was my husband's. He was Scottish. He served in the Black Watch Regiment. KATE: Russell's file says he's deceased. MACDONALD: He was killed in a car accident when Russell was twelve. Russell was devastated. KATE: Did Russell seem particularly obsessed with the sword? MACDONALD: Um... I don't understand why you... TONY: A similar weapon was found with the... near Russell. KATE: Mrs. MacDonald, in Russell's letters did he seem, you know, down or depressed? MACDONALD: Russell had his quirks. But a mother knows things about her son. He would not have killed himself! It's a mortal sin. ` MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. MACDONALD HOUSE - DAY KATE: Are these interviews always that difficult? TONY: I guess. KATE: You guess? TONY: I've never interviewed a victim's mother before. KATE: Well, I thought you'd been a Baltimore homicide cop. TONY: I always had someone else interview the mother. KATE: This was your first? TONY: Yeah. KATE: Why did you assume I'd have no idea how bad it was going to be? TONY: I didn't think you would. KATE: That is so presumptuous! TONY: Kate. KATE: What? TONY: Breathe. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. USS FOSTER DECK - DAY MORRIS: The Commander's on a call with LANT fleet, Sir. He'll catch up with you as soon as he can. GIBBS: We appreciate it, Master Chief. TONY: Did you have any contact with Seaman MacDonald? MORRIS: Can't say I did, Sir. Kept pretty much to himself. GIBBS: Seems to be the general consensus. Or the party line. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. PASSAGEWAY - DAY MORRIS: We've got you set up in the XO's quarters. It's small, but it's private and secure. GIBBS: I'm sure it'll be fine.(KNOCK ON DOOR) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. STATEROOM - DAY ROBBINS: Enter. (KNOCK ON DOOR) (DOOR OPENS) MORRIS: Lieutenant Commander Robbins, Agent Gibbs. GIBBS: Appreciate you giving up your... ROBBINS: Not a problem. MORRIS: NCIS is always welcome aboard, Sir. You can expect excellent cooperation. GIBBS: I appreciate that, Master Chief. MORRIS: If you need anything... GIBBS: Oh, I won't hesitate. (DOOR CLOSES) KATE: Now why didn't that sound sincere? GIBBS: Ah, you get used to it. They either stonewall or kiss ass. To them we're the Internal Affairs of the Navy. KATE: So basically they hate us. TONY: No. (BEAT) Pretty much. GIBBS: Set up the laptop and establish a feed from NCIS. TONY: I'm on it. KATE: We're not all sleeping here, are we? Together? GIBBS: I'll take the couch. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. ENLISTED QUARTERS - DAY GIBBS: Afternoon, gentlemen. CARNAHAN: Afternoon, Sir. GIBBS: Okay, let's dispense with the small talk. Which one is his bunk.... Petty Officer Carnahan? CARNAHAN: Below mine, Sir. GIBBS: Thank you, Petty Officer. Did you know MacDonald? CARNAHAN: Not well. He pretty much kept to himself. GIBBS: (OVERLAP) ...kept to himself. Did he like to llisten to music? Like to read? CARNAHAN: I really didn't notice, Sir. GIBBS: Your bunk is right above his, but you didn't notice? CARNAHAN: I'm a private kind of person. GIBBS: Well, if you had to venture a wild guess, Carnahan, what do you think MacDonald liked to do? CARNAHAN: Spend his life at work. YOUNG: (V.O.) Computers run the weapons systems... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BRIG - DAY YOUNG: ...the radar, the sonar. We're the backbone of the ship here, Agent DiNozzo. TONY: The brightest of the brightest under your command. YOUNG: I like to think so. TONY: Where was Seaman MacDonald in the food chain? YOUNG: He was good. TONY: How good? YOUNG: That depends on what you're comparing him to. TONY: All right, compared to you. YOUNG: I trained at MIT. MacDonald was a year out of high school. TONY: The best I.T. guy in our office is twenty-two. Harvard. When he gets stuck, he calls his fourteen year old nephew. YOUNG: MacDonald was very good. TONY: How very? YOUNG: When he was focused, better than anyone here. TONY: Including you? YOUNG: (BEAT) Including me. TONY: Had he been focused lately? YOUNG: No. Hadn't for a long time. TONY: You think he off-ed himself, Lieutenant? YOUNG: It's possible. He was troubled. There was definitely something bothering him. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SICKBAY - DAY CARUSO: He was having a hard time adjusting to ship life. I suggested he get into counseling. KATE: Was he receptive? CARUSO: No, Ma'am. He just wanted to talk to me. KATE: What were his issues? CARUSO: I wouldn't get into them. It was obvious that Seaman MacDonald was disturbed, but I wasn't qualified, Ma'am. KATE: But you did talk to him. CARUSO: As his Medical Corpsman, not his psychologist. All I know is that he had this mysterious friend. He was from here, but he wasn't here. It didn't make any sense. But he seemed obsessed with him. KATE: Do you think that Russell MacDonald was capable of taking his own life? Off the record. CARUSO: Definitely not! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ENLISTED QUARTERS - DAY (GIBBS SEARCHES THE BUNK) TONY: (V.O.) So here's what we've got. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. USS FOSTER - DECK TONY: A dead kid wearing dress whites for no reason, with a sword he shouldn't have on, which is not supposed to be sharp, at the bottom of the ocean, with weights on. KATE: He was a brilliant but troubled computer tech, who lived at work, and had a mysterious friend. GIBBS: Okay, so given the circumstances, probably not an accidental death. So... suicide or murder? TONY: The C.O. suggests he could have killed himself. KATE: The Corpsman he confided in and his mother are adamant he never would have. GIBBS: Something else to consider. I found this in Seaman MacDonald's rack. You know that razor sharp sword he was wearing? He was teaching himself how to use it. (MUSIC OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. OFFICER'S QUARTERS - DAY ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) We found a couple more things on MacDonald's body. Um... he was wearing this around his neck. (BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Just your average Saint Christopher medal. But here's what's really odd. He had this in his pocket. My guess is it's some sort of character charter for a (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) ...fantasy game. TONY: (INTO PHONE) What kind of game? ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) It looks like (SPELLS) M.M.O.R.P.G. TONY: (INTO PHONE) M.M what? ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) M.M.O.R.P.G: (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) It's a Massive Multi-player Online Role Playing Game. They're huge on the internet. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) And a character charter would be what? ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) It's like a character's manifesto. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) His goals, moral stance, creed. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) You're kidding me. ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) No, they really get into this stuff. There can be like thousands of players on one site alone. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Well, that's comforting to know that Russell's computer skills were put to good use on a billion dollar ship.` ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) Oh, he's a... (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) ...computer geek? (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, worked in the Combat Information Center. ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) That is a perfect gig for a power gamer. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) I mean, he was working on combat, it was just more like the medieval kind. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Abby, are games like this violent? (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Well, there's poisoning, thievery, (V.O./FILTERED) stabbings, decapitations, (INTO PHONE) the occasional garrote. TONY: (INTO PHONE) I'd say that's violent. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) What should we look for on his hard drive? ABBY: (FILTERED) If he's good, he won't leave any footprints. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) So where's the evidence if there is evidence? (SCENE CUT) KATE: (INTO PHONE) Cyberspace. ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) Theoretically. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Can you find it? ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) Maybe. These gaming sites are run by... (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE)...anonymous server clients in every country on the planet. (SCENE CUT) KATE: (INTO PHONE) MacDonald's file didn't show any foreign language skills, you're probably looking for something run in English. ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) That's good. TONY: (INTO PHONE) The machines are state of the art. Think government excess. ABBY: (FILTERED) Well, that'll eliminate the weekenders, and the lo-fi guys. I mean, I'll give it a shot, you know. Oh, the sword. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) What about it? (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) The blade has nicks in it. Contact with hard metal. (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) Another sword? (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) It's possible. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Two sailors playing with sharp swords. KATE: Once in a while you might miss. I'm on it. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Abby, have fun with your M.M.R.O.P.G. (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (DOOR CLOSES) GIBBS: What? TONY: M.M.O.R.P.G. GIBBS: Thank you. TONY: You're welcome. GIBBS: Can I talk to Ducky now? TONY: Yeah. (BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) TONY: (INTO PHONE) Ah! (SCENE CUT) TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) You might want to warn us about what... (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) ...what you're working on after lunch, Ducky. DUCKY: (V.O./FILTERED) Yes, I suppose... (SCENE CUT) DUCKY: (INTO PHONE) ...gazing directly into an exposed digestive system doesn't aid the actual process. TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) Not after the meal we just had. (SCENE CUT) DUCKY: (INTO PHONE) Yes, I'm sorry about that, my friend, but sometimes gaining valuable insight requires suffering small indignities. I recall one case, a young woman, not much older than yourself. She ingested... (SCENE CUT) DUCKY: (V.O./FILTERED) ....a small piece of jewelry... GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Ducky? DUCKY: (V.O./FILTERED) Yes? GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) What have we got? (SCENE CUT) DUCKY: (INTO PHONE) Oh, uh... anoxia, sea water in the stomach, foam in the trachea. (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) Classic death by drowning. DUCKY: (V.O./FILTERED) A slight hemorrhaging of the... (SCENE CUT) DUCKY: (INTO PHONE)... inner ear, possibly caused by the rapid shift in pressure. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Because he sank so fast. DUCKY: (V.O./FILTERED) That's correct. (SCENE CUT) DUCKY: (INTO PHONE) Ah, then here we have dirt. (SCENE CUT) DUCKY: (V.O./FILTERED) Yes, his fingers grabbed whatever he was touching when he succumbed. There's a good chance Abby will deduce the dirt came from the ocean floor. TONY: (INTO PHONE) Which means? DUCKY: (V.O./FILTERED) Seaman... (SCENE CUT) DUCKY: (INTO PHONE) ...MacDonald was alive when he went into the sea. (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. WARDROOM - DAY ENSIGN RAY: Stainless steel blade, acid-edged and hand polished. Fittings, guard and pommel are twenty four carat gold plated. As late as the eighteen hundreds. A sword like this would have been used to defend against the enemy trying to board a ship. Only the blade would have been sharp enough to take a man's limb off. I always liked pirate movies. Didn't you? TONY: Not really. ENSIGN RAY: Of course, today it wouldn't stand much of a chance against a nine millimeter H and K-M-P five parabellum, would it? TONY: Guess you like gun movies, too? ENSIGN RAY: I like all weapons, Sir. TONY: I can really appreciate that, Ensign. Are all the officers' ceremonial swords accounted for? ENSIGN RAY: Yes, Sir. I checked with thirty two officers, found thirty two swords....including my beauty. TONY: We're going to need to take a look at all of them. ENSIGN RAY: Yes, Sir. TONY: So where do you think MacDonald could have acquired the sword? ENSIGN RAY: At the only place that would have sold them. The base exchange. TONY: Roosevelt Roads Naval Station? ENSIGN RAY: Yes, Sir. If a clerk was lax in checking I.D., he might might have bought one as a souvenir. But he'd have to hide it onboard. TONY: Why's that? ENSIGN RAY: Enlisted me aren't allowed to carry weapons on ship. That'd be insane. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BRIDGE - DAY RIVERS: We're taking care of you, I trust. GIBBS: Very nicely, Skipper. RIVERS: I didn't know the boy very well. GIBBS: No one did, it seems. RIVERS: He was doing some maintenance work on my computer last week. He seemed to be in a bit of a daze. So I had a Corpsman administer a drug test. He was clean. GIBBS: The toxicology test we gave him came up negative. RIVERS: What do you make of the uniform, the sword and all? GIBBS: I'm not sure. But we think he was involved in an online fantasy game. RIVERS: Like an M.M.O.R.P.G? GIBBS: Yeah. RIVERS: My children play. A lot. GIBBS: We think he might have taken it a step further and staged real fights with someone on board. RIVERS: On board? How would that be possible? GIBBS: Well, Skipper, I'm sure you know the ship better than anyone else under your command. RIVERS: Inside and out, Agent Gibbs. GIBBS: So if you wanted to stage a sword fight with another shipmate and not get caught? RIVERS: Damage Control in the Machine Shop at night. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ABBY PLAYS THE COMPUTER GAME B.G.) ABBY: Damn! Not the King's guards again. Okay, I'm turning left into the dungeon and I spy a... great staff of power! Oh, kick their asses! I've already surpassed the third level of the fortress and made it into the dungeon corridor of the castle's inner stronghold. After, of course, slaying two gnomes, a drunken dwarf, and a frenzied ogre.(SFX: COMPUTER WEAPONS FIRE B.G.) DUCKY: Of course. You know, this reminds of something. Actually, I can't think of a thing it reminds me of. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SICK BAY - DAY CARUSO: The night Seaman MacDonald died there were three laceration injuries. Two were work related, verified by their Division Officers. KATE: The other? CARUSO: A prank gone wrong in front of seven witnesses. It didn't involve a sword. KATE: Well, there have to be injuries that don't have witnesses. CARUSO: All the time, Ma'am. Mostly after a liberty call. A surprising number of shaving cuts. KATE: Chief, it would be helpful if I could get some of the files of any of the questionable lacerations. CARUSO: Going back how far, Ma'am? KATE: A couple of months? CARUSO: I'll need a couple of hours. KATE: I like the symmetry. (BEAT) MacDonald's mystery friend... did he ever mention being afraid of him? CARUSO: He only talked about him once. It was more like Seaman MacDonald was in awe of him. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY ABBY: You're a prince, Ducky.(SFX: COMPUTER GAME B.G.) DUCKY: Is that a safe occupation in this... what is this game you're playing? ABBY: The Immortals. And being a prince is pretty safe unless the Elf Sorceress invades the King's Apartments and turns you into an ogre. Whoa! Whoa! Just dodged a flaming arrow! DUCKY: Well done. ABBY: I'm almost there, Ducky. DUCKY: Where exactly is "there?" ABBY: The innermost stronghold of the castle. DUCKY: Ah, The Keep. ABBY: Yeah, see? You're catching on! DUCKY: Not really. ABBY: Remember the character charter I found in the dead seaman's uniform? DUCKY: The booklet? ABBY: The booklet contained his character's name, "Weylin", and his creed. I just don't know if he was playing "The Immortals" or some other online game. DUCKY: Um...that's what you're trying to find out? ABBY: Yeah, if I can get into "The Keep" I can open a log of all characters that have played "The Immortals". DUCKY: What's that coming towards you? ABBY: Oh, it's an Orc! (SFX: SWORD FIGHT B.G.) ABBY: Oh! I just got dismembered! Now I have to infiltrate the castle again. DUCKY: Would this help, my dear? ABBY: Oh, yes. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. USS FOSTER DECK - DAY TONY: Gibbs, good guess MacDonald got his sword at Roosevelt Roads. If he was sword fighting with someone, they probably bought it there, too. (SFX: PHONE RINGS) (BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah? (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) I found the site MacDonald frequented. He was playing this character, Weylin. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Like the singer? (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) More like the mystical half elf warrior Weylin. Spelled W.E.Y.L.I.N. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) That charter we found on MacDonald's body... (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) ...it referred to his mail rival, Kinvaras. Their main mode of combat was parle. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Abby? (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Sword fight. Oh, and here's the big one. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Fine, whoop me. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) The guy who plays Kinvaras logs on from the Foster. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) The same ship you're on. (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (MUSIC OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. WEATHERDECK - DAY (DOOR OPENS) GIBBS: Who would have thought that Pong would turn into online role playing games? TONY: Pong? GIBBS: Yeah, the first video game. What are the odds of Seaman MacDonald's character... TONY: Weylin.. GIBBS: ...fighting online in... TONY: The Immortals... GIBBS: ...another seaman's character.... TONY: Uh... Kinvaras? GIBBS: ...and both of them are on the same destroyer? TONY: About the same as Seaman MacDonald being found at the bottom of the sea with chains around his waist. GIBBS: Sounds like something that should happen in the game. TONY: Beheading is more likely. GIBBS: Why do they use such weird names? TONY: When you're a computer geek invading dungeons and fighting ogres, Jethro doesn't cut it. (BEAT) Neither does Tony. (VOICE OVER P.A. B.G.) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. PASSAGEWAY - DAY GIBBS: Seaman MacDonald bought an officers' sword and was teaching himself how to use it. I think he found out who else onboard was role-playing.... TONY: Kinvaras. GIBBS: ...and decided to take it to the next level. Reality. TONY: Well, Boss, if they both had to have swords, chances are they bought them at the Navy Exchange in Puerto Rico. I could helo there, make an undercover purchase of a sword, bust the clerk, swap the bust for info on who bought the swords for the ship. I'll be there and back in twenty four hours. GIBBS: Six. TONY: Twelve. GIBBS: This is not a negotiation, DiNozzo. TONY: Six.(DINOZZO TRIPS OVER THE KNEE KNOCKER) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. USS FOSTER - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/COD TAKES OFF) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. LAB - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ABBY PLAYS THE COMPUTER GAME) ABBY: Damn! This is going to take a while. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. PUERTO RICO - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/COD LANDS) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. NAVY EXCHANGE - DAY CLERK: Can I help you, Petty Officer? TONY: What do you think? CLERK: I think they look good on you. TONY: Yeah? CLERK: Yeah. TONY: I'll take them. CLERK: Okay. Would you like anything else? TONY: How about a Naval Officer's sword. CLERK: You know I can't sell you that. TONY: My friend said I could get one here. CLERK: Well, your friend is wrong. I could get in trouble. TONY: It's not like it's drugs or anything, it's just a stupid sword. CLERK: Well, the Navy has these rules, okay? Take it up with them. TONY: I'll pay extra. Come on. I just want to take it home as a souvenir. Nobody's going to know. CLERK: Six hundred dollars. TONY: They retail for four. CLERK: I could lose my job. TONY: Five hundred. CLERK: Aye! TONY: All right. All right. All right. (TONY COUNTS MONEY) TONY: Thank you. Now look, I know you're going to take this the wrong way, but I'm NCIS and you've got some 'splaining to do. (THE CLERK BEGINS SHOUTING IN SPANISH B.G.) TONY: (V.O.) All I want is some information. Okay, that's all I want. (THE CLERK CONTINUES SHOUTING AT TONY WHILE THROWING ITEMS AT HIM) TONY: Once you settle down, we're going to be just fine. Now listen, you gotta love Puerto Rico. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. MACHINE ROOM - DAY GIBBS: Hey, look at these marks. [SCENE_BREAK] KATE: More here.(INTERCUT SFX: SWORD CLANG) KATE: These are about two sword-lengths from the cuts in the other one. MacDonald and Kinvaras were starting to take their game very seriously. GIBBS: We don't know that yet. KATE: Well, I checked all the officers' swords... and there wasn't a scratch on any of them. GIBBS: Abby has not concluded that the other metal that MacDonald's sword came in contact with came from another sword. KATE: Then why did you send Tony to Puerto Rico. GIBBS: It's called being thorough. Hunches do not hold up in court. KATE: And not just a hunch. Two people stated that he wasn't prone to suicide. GIBBS: Why are you pushing this, Kate? KATE: Because it makes sense. He's Catholic. GIBBS: Hmm. And so are you. You cannot let personal situations color your judgment. KATE: I don't. But you hired me because of my knowledge and my experience. You've never seen how a suicide can tear up a Catholic family. They take it very seriously. GIBBS: Somehow I don't think this guy's the Catechism type. KATE: He was wearing a Saint Christopher medal when they found him. Even the most hardened criminals wouldn't cross that line. It's part of the culture. (SFX: PHONE RINGS B.G.) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Gibbs.(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) Hey, it's me. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Hey, your ears must have been burning. It better not be from the tropical sun. (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) Uh... here's what I have. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Hang on. The reception's not good here. Let me see if I can get to a better spot. (TO KATE) It's DiNozzo. I'm going to go up top - see if I can get a better signal. (INTERCUT FLASHBACK SCENES OF THE SWORD FIGHT) (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) The Base Exchange was selling swords to enlisted. One was definitely to Seaman MacDonald. There were three other... (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE)...seamen who have legally bought officer swords. And I've got their descriptions. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Okay, where are you? (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) I'm waiting for my helo to arrive. It's going to be a couple hours, though. (MUSIC B.G.) (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Hey! What is that? TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) It's music, Gibbs. (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) Don't be so paranoid. You know I'm a professional. (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. STATEROOM - DAY GIBBS: Yeah! This one matches the description Tony gave us. KATE: Name's not on the list of suspicious injuries at sick bay. How many people on this boat? GIBBS: This ship has three hundred and twenty three enlisted, thirty two officers. You're luck this isn't an aircraft carrier. KATE: Hmm. GIBBS: What? KATE: Petty Officer Ronald Zuger cut his arm on a plate glass window last month. Only there were no glass shards in the wound. GIBBS: Matches the description? KATE: To a tee. Guess where he works? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. COMBAT INFORMATION CENTER (SFX: KEYBOARDING B.G.) GIBBS: Impressive swordsmanship. Killed anyone else lately? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. WARDROOM - DAY ZUGER: The last time I looked there was nothing in the UCMJ about virtual homicide, Sir. GIBBS: You're not under arrest. ZUGER: Then why am I here, Sir? GIBBS: For starters, there's a little matter of misappropriation of government property. ZUGER: Everyone in CIC plays online a little. GIBBS: Well here's a flash. They don't give you guys top notch equipment so you can have a better gaming experience. ZUGER: Well, they wouldn't have top notch equipment if it weren't for guys like me. GIBBS: Guys like you and Seaman MacDonald? Okay, what came first, the online chicken or the CIC egg? ZUGER: I didn't know he was onboard for a long time. GIBBS: Must have been quite a shock. ZUGER: Actually we had a pretty good laugh over it. GIBBS: He's not laughing now, is he? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY (SFX: COMPUTER BEEP TONES B.G.) ABBY: Yes!(SFX: RAPID COMPUTER BEEP TONES B.G.) (SFX: TELEPHONE BEEP TONES) (BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) KATE: (INTO PHONE) NCIS. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) That's very official. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) Gibbs isn't answering his phone. Where is he? KATE: (INTO PHONE) Having a talk with Kinvaras. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Well, if he's anywhere near as whacked out as his rival, tell Gibbs to watch his neck. (SCENE CUT) KATE: (INTO PHONE) You got into MacDonald's diary? ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) I did. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) This guy had diarrhea of the keyboard. It's going to take me a while to get through it. (SCENE CUT) KATE: (INTO PHONE) I'll do it. I want to. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Cool.(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. WARDROOM - DAY GIBBS: Seaman MacDonald saw you as some sort of authority figure. ZUGER: I outranked him, Sir. GIBBS: That's not what I mean. ZUGER: I didn't kill him, Sir! GIBBS: Okay. Have you ever killed him? (BEAT) In the game? ZUGER: Sure. Kinvaras beheaded Weylin lots of times. GIBBS: You were better than him. ZUGER: Lots better. It pissed him off. GIBBS: Is that when you decided to fight for real? ZUGER: I never said we fought for real, Sir. GIBBS: Tony! (DOOR OPENS) TONY: I found this hidden in your rack, amigo. It won't take long for the crime lab to match up the metals. ZUGER: Look, it was his idea. Take the game to the next level. I thought it was kind of cool at the time! GIBBS: Until you got cut. ZUGER: Yes, Sir. GIBBS: Did that frighten you, Zuger? When you found out that MacDonald was playing for real? ZUGER: Kinvaras is never frightened. And I've never quite known what Weylin was thinking. GIBBS: Where were you the night that MacDonald went overboard? ZUGER: I was helping a friend with a computer problem...most of the night. GIBBS: Big problem. ZUGER: Huge, Sir. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. LAB - DAY MACDONALD: (V.O.) I'm constantly being scrutinized by the crew. Every move I make is monitored by calculating eyes. I'm sure at this point they're in allegiance with Kinvaras. I can't let them know I'm on to them. The element of surprise will be a great advantage for my final triumph. (MUSIC UP AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. WARDROOM - DAY GIBBS: Petty Officer Zuger said he was helping you the night Seaman MacDonald went over. Is that true? CARNAHAN: In a way. GIBBS: Are you going to help me out here, Petty Officer Carnahan? CARNAHAN: I had been downloading a lot of... stuff off the internet onto my PC. GIBBS: p0rn? CARNAHAN: I was pretty sure my C.O. was suspicious, so I hired Zuger. He cleaned out the hard drive. GIBBS: There was a considerable amount to clean out. CARNAHAN: I have a lot of free time on my hands, Sir. DUCKY: (V.O.) As I thought. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY DUCKY: (INTO PHONE) Abby matched the dirt lodged under Seaman MacDonald's fingernails...(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) DUCKY: (V.O./FILTERED) ...with the sedimentary composition of the ocean floor. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Any signs the suspect had a dance partner before he went over? DUCKY: (V.O./FILTERED) There were abrasions on his hands... GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) No sign of a struggle? DUCKY: (V.O./FILTERED) Mmm, the only bruising I could see is where the chain was attached. (SCENE CUT) DUCKY: No, the only struggle this poor fellow endured was the one to breathe when he hit the bottom. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Okay, thanks. DUCKY: (V.O./FILTERED) I wish I could say it was my pleasure. From what I hear... (SCENE CUT) DUCKY: (INTO PHONE)... the afterlife could be a vast improvement for a young man so troubled. You know, there's a great book... (SCENE CUT) DUCKY: (V.O./FILTERED)... I should say. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Gotta go, Duck. (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) GIBBS: There are signs the victim struggled, and our only suspect has an iron-clad alibi. TONY: Sure looks like a suicide to me. KATE: I don't think it's that simple. GIBBS: You are letting your personal experience get in the way here. KATE: No, I'm not talking about his religious morals. Okay, I've been reading this diary for hours. I mean, MacDonald gives no indication of intent to kill himself. It's just the opposite, in fact. GIBBS: Go on. KATE: MacDonald seems resolved to continue his battle with Kinvaras after he leaves the ship. So why would a man so intent on his mission, no matter how deranged, off himself and end it? GIBBS: What else is in his diary? KATE: I'm on the last entry right now. GIBBS: Get me Petty Officer Zuger's records now. TONY: I'm on it. (INTO PHONE) I need Petty Officer Zuger's records, please. I'll hold. GIBBS: What? TONY: Aren't you the least bit interested to know what I brought you back from Puerto Rico? GIBBS: No. KATE: Listen to this TONY: (V.O.) Hey, yeah. KATE: MacDonald says that after he makes his escape, he'll destroy his enemies by releasing a great plague against the realm as the sun sets beneath the next full moon. TONY: Files on the way. GIBBS: Plague? Plague. There it is. MacDonald had applied for the NBC program. TONY: Nuclear, Biological and Chemical weapons. GIBBS: Passed the physical, flunked the psych. TONY: So what's the realm he's talking about? KATE: I think it's the Foster. MacDonald was convinced that the crew was aiding his enemy. GIBBS: He's going to set a bio bomb off on this ship. Tell me it's not a full moon tonight. TONY: Sorry, boss. GIBBS: What time does the sun set? TONY: Twenty three thirty seven zulu. KATE: About an hour from now. TONY: Get Zuger in front of this computer and see if he can find out anything about MacDonald or a bio weapon in that game site. Navy ships do not carry bio-chemical weapons nor would they have the material to make them. Contact Reynolds and notify security. He'll know if there's anything unaccounted for in this region. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. PASSAGEWAY - DAY GIBBS: Where's the Captain? ENSIGN RAY: In a staff meeting. (DOOR OPENS) ENSIGN RAY: (SHOUTS) Hey you can't go in there! GIBBS: Skipper, I have reason to believe a bomb, possibly containing a bio agent, is set to detonate aboard this ship by sunset. RIVERS: How real do you think that threat is? GIBBS: Very real. RIVERS: Sound General Quarters. ROBBINS: Yes, Sir. RIVERS: Deploy the Flying Squad. Start with the ventilation systems and alert sick by of the situation and have them stand by. OFFICER: (V.O.) Aye aye, Sir! (SFX: WARNING TONES B.G.) VOICE OVER P.A.: General quarters! General quarters! All hands man your stations. Stand by for further... (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ PERSONNEL HURRY IN THE PASSAGEWAY) ZUGER: What're you doing, Sir? TONY: Do you know anything about a bomb aboard this ship? ZUGER: What? TONY: Did MacDonald every talk about delivering a virus aboard the Foster!? ZUGER: No! I... I don't think so.(MUSIC OVER ACTION SCENES OF PERSONNEL READYING FOR AN ATTACK) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. COMBAT INFORMATION CENTER TONY: Get on your site now! I want to know if there's even the slightest clue about MacDonald setting off any kind of bio bomb aboard this ship. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. PASSAGEWAY - DAY KATE: Reynolds says there's no known material missing, but the intel's soft. They'll continue to check. GIBBS: Stay on him every five minutes. KATE: He expressly told me to wait for his call. GIBBS: I expressly don't give a damn. Ride his ass. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. PASSAGEWAY - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/MEN SEARCHING INTO THE AIR DUCTS) (VOICE OVER P.A. B.G.) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. COMBAT INFORMATION CENTER (SFX: COMPUTER VOICE LAUGHS) ZUGER: No! He can't do this! GIBBS: What's going on? TONY: I'm not sure. (SFX: COMPUTER BEEP TONES) ZUGER: Weylin hacked me. Kinvaras is gone. TONY: Is MacDonald covering his tracks? GIBBS: You listen to me very closely. There's a good chance a bio bomb is going off on this ship by sunset. Right now you're the best shot we've got to find it. You give me answers or I will make sure you are the last person in line on the evac. Did MacDonald even hint, in any way, of taking out this crew? ZUGER: No, Sir. Nothing. GIBBS: Go over MacDonald's diary again. Maybe we missed something. I want to know every detail that happened just between you and MacDonald. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. BRIDGE - DAY ROBBINS: Skipper, the hospitals in Raleigh are on standby and the helos from the Washington and the Bryan are on the way. (BEGIN MONTAGE OF SHIP ACTION SCENES) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. COMBAT INFORMATION CENTER GIBBS: We've got a little more than twenty minutes, Zuger. What is it you're not telling me? (GIBBS THROWS ZUGER AGAINST THE DESK) GIBBS: Do you want the crew of this ship to die?! ZUGER: He was crazy, you know. He really thought he was immortal! GIBBS: He thought you were Kinvaras, didn't he? That's why you fought with real swords. ZUGER: I thought we were just playing the game. And then he tried to kill me. GIBBS: So you killed him? ZUGER: No! I didn't ... I just challenged him! GIBBS: (SHOUTS) Challenged him to what?! ZUGER: To go U.A. like he was always talking about! It told him to take his sword and swim to shore! GIBBS: Why was he wearing weights if he was going to swim?! (SHOUTS) Why did he have weights chained to his waist?! ZUGER: I told him that was the only way he could prove to me he was immortal. GIBBS: Why would you let him do that? ZUGER: To win the game. GIBBS: This isn't helping us. What else is in those diaries? KATE: I've been over them twice. GIBBS: Well, go over them again, Kate! MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. BRIDGE - DAY ROBBINS: Nothing yet, Sir, and it's almost sunset. RIVERS: Have Agent Gibbs report to my sea cabin now.(DOOR CLOSES) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. COMBAT INFORMATION CENTER KATE: I'm missing something. I know I am. How much time? TONY: A little over five minutes. KATE: This stuff MacDonald said about cutting off the head so the body will die. We're assuming that's a part of setting off a "plague against the realm." But what if it meant two separate things. TONY: Okay. KATE: Zuger's website and his character were destroyed. And the plague against the realm could simply be referring to a computer virus. TONY: And "cutting off the head" is another threat? KATE: Exactly. And MacDonald was sure that the crew was aligned with his enemy. He made it clear he was just as threatened with them as he was by Kinvaras. TONY: So he's talking about the crew when he refers to cutting off the heads so the body will die. KATE: That's what I'm thinking. TONY: Who's the "head" of the crew?(KATE AND TONY RUN FROM THE ROOM) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. CAPTAIN'S CABIN - DAY RIVERS: My ship is in chaos because of your hunch, Agent Gibbs. GIBBS: I'd characterize it more as a deduction, Skipper. RIVERS: Whatever the hell it is, it's pretty damn flimsy. GIBBS: I appreciate that. It's all we have to go on. The Seaman's mental attitude is... (DOOR OPENS) RIVERS: Is there some kind of NCIS protocol-- KATE: It's not the boat! GIBBS: It's a ship. KATE: It's the Skipper. TONY: Where are you about this time every day, Sir? RIVERS: I don't see what that has to do-- TONY: Just answer the question, Sir! RIVERS: Here. Everyday I send a -- KATE: We've got to go now! (ALL RUN FROM THE CABIN) GIBBS: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! RIVERS: (V.O.) What the hell? MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. PASSAGE WAY - DAY (DOOR CLOSES) (SFX: EXPLOSION B.G.) (VOICES SHOUTING B.G.) TONY: Are you all right? GIBBS: Are you okay? RIVERS: Yes! MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. LAB - NIGHT DUCKY: I'm finding this very hard to understand, Abby. ABBY: Where did I lose you? DUCKY: I think somewhere around the part about Weylin and Kinvaras... ABBY: Okay. Seaman MacDonald was Weylin. DUCKY: Got that. ABBY: And Petty Officer Zuger was Kinvaras. DUCKY: I remember that because it sounds a lot like Canaris. ABBY: What? DUCKY: A German Navy Admiral, World War Two. ABBY: Okay. Whatever works for you. So we've got MacDonald, Weylin, and Zuger... Kinvaras, battling online in The Immortals game. Zuger always wins, so MacDonald challenges him to a fight like for real. And they both buy officers' swords at the Navy Exchange in Puerto Rico. DUCKY: But they were enlisted. ABBY: Let's say they bought their commissions. DUCKY: That was done at one time, you know. ABBY: So they're sword fighting and MacDonald wins. He cuts Zuger. Zuger gets pissed, and he goes back to the one thing that he knows he can beat MacDonald at. DUCKY: "The Immortals"? ABBY: Yes.... and no. Zuger realizes that MacDonald has tripped out and thought he really was Weylin. So Zuger challenges him to prove it. MacDonald puts weights around his waist, jumps ship, and tries to walk across the bottom of the bay to dry land. DUCKY: You know, Abby, sometimes the dead make more sense to me than the living. ABBY: Me, too. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. XO'S STATEROOM - DAY GIBBS: All right? KATE: I still can't get over how the line between reality and fantasy were so blurred for Seaman MacDonald. GIBBS: For him, destroying Zuger's website was every bit as real and violent as trying to kill the Skipper. TONY: I'm so glad my parents pushed me into sports in high school. Aren't you interested at all in what I brought you back from Puerto Rico? KATE: Sure. GIBBS: (OVERLAP) All right.(KATE OPENS THE BAG) KATE: You've got to be kidding. TONY: It's a bikini. Two piece. KATE: A bottom. And a hat? TONY: Puerto Rican. GIBBS: Any chance you're going to try that on? KATE: You first. GIBBS: Trust me, it's not going to fit. KATE: Pigs. I work with pigs. (GIBBS UNWRAPS THE PRESENT) TONY: It's a fantasy R.P.G book, complete with character sheets and dice. Baby steps, Gibbs, baby steps. GIBBS: It's in Spanish. TONY: There's just no pleasing you, is there? (MUSIC OUT)	Plan: A: dress whites; Q: What was the drowned sailor wearing? A: his waist; Q: Where were the sword and weights chained to the sailor? A: a suicide investigation; Q: What does the discovery of a drowned sailor spark? A: the team; Q: Who is sent to the USS Foster to dig into the deceased officer's life? A: his colleagues; Q: Who thought of the deceased officer? A: Kate; Q: Who refuses to believe that the sailor committed suicide? A: a mortal sin; Q: What is suicide considered in a Catholic family? A: Abby; Q: Who discovers a link between the crew of the USS Foster and an MMORPG? A: The Immortals; Q: What MMORPG does Abby discover a link to? A: clues; Q: What does Abby search for in the MMORPG? A: Gibbs; Q: Who is the captain of the USS Foster? A: the case; Q: What does Abby hope to solve? A: the ship; Q: What is at risk of being destroyed? A: possible destruction; Q: What does the USS Foster face if the suicide investigation is not solved? Summary: The discovery of a drowned sailor in dress whites, with an officer's ceremonial sword and weights chained to his waist, sparks a suicide investigation and eventually sends the team to the USS Foster so that they can dig into the deceased officer's life and find out what his colleagues thought of him. Kate refuses to believe that the deceased sailor committed suicide as, like her, he came from a Catholic family where suicide is considered a mortal sin . Meanwhile Abby discovers a link between the crew of the USS Foster and an MMORPG known as The Immortals , and begins searching the game for clues to help Gibbs and the team solve the case and save the ship from possible destruction.
n this episode: Senior year begins and Pacey finds out that he failed three of his junior year classes. Jen gets dumped by Henry and worse yet, she gets the news from Jack. Pacey panics about his future and tries to hide his failure from Joey. Joey, meanwhile, is worried about how to pay for the ivy league college she hopes to get into, and gets busy wrangling a job at the town's yacht club. Pacey's big sister Gretchen comes back to Capeside and sets Pacey straight and brightens Dawson's day as well. [Scene: Outside the school. Joey and Pacey are walking to school together hand in hand.] Pacey: You know, they want to see me in the guidance office after school. Joey: So? Pacey: So, do they want to see you in the guidance office after school? Joey: No. Pacey: No. See, that right there is a bad sign. It means they're singling me out already. Joey: Aw, don't worry, sweetie. They probably want to extend a hand and let you know that they're there to help you fulfill your destiny as the world's greatest gas station attendant. Pacey: Oh, that's cute. Joey: What, suddenly teasing's out of the question? Pacey: Oh, no, tease away, you little hussy. But you do raise an interesting point. I think we should talk about it, now that we're back to school. Joey: Talk about what, exactly? Pacey: Well, uh, mutual wants and needs. Joey: Did you actually just say that out loud? Pacey: Like you said, we're a couple now, potter. And, as a couple, I think there's a couple things we need to discuss. Joey: Such as? Pacey: Kissing. Joey: Maybe. Pacey: Maybe? Joey: Well, if it's of the spontaneous variety. Pacey: Good lord, woman, you really are a fickle mistress, you know that? I mean, without kissing, what do we really have left? Joey: Precious little. We should probably break up. Pacey: Yeah, well, we had a good run, huh? Mm-hmm. [She turns to him before going into their classes and plants a huge kiss on him. As the are kissing Dawson walks up from behind them to find them kissing in the doorway to his class.] Dawson: Excuse me. [Opening Credits] [Scene: Sidewalk in town. Andie and Joey are walking together talking after school.] Andie: Senior year, how cool is that? I mean, there's so much to look forward to. Joey: Well, if I don't find a job soon, the only thing I have to look forward to is C.C.C. [Andie just looks at her]Capeside community college. Andie: Oh. Hey, well, there's always C.Y.C. Joey: What's that? Andie: Capeside yacht club. My father was just telling me they're looking for a waitress. Joey: You're high. Andie: Ha! Joey, come on, it's the Ice House with cute rich boys and way bigger tips. Joey: Yeah, and something tells me that the beautiful people would probably frown upon the applicant whose family name is synonymous with scandal. Andie: So make like you're one of them. Joey: Yeah, right. Andie: Ok, here's what you do. If you think the interview's starting to go south, you drop a name. Joey: Whose? Andie: Hmm, well, I would say you could use mine, but, heh, these days McPhee is synonymous with gay, crazy, and dysfunctional. Hey, how about the Rosses? They're on the board. Charles, Kate, and son Owen. Oh, my god, he is so gorgeous, so our age, and so eligible. Oh, and so perfect for me if i actually cared about those things. Joey: Ah, but you digress. Andie: Ok, so, anyway, Joey, where else are you gonna make that kind of money? Joey: Well, you know, there is always that strip club on the edge of town. [Scene: Outside the Record Store. Dawson is walking up to it and is about to enter when Gretchen, who is reading some ads on a wall, sees him.] Gretchen: Dawson Leery. Dawson: Gretchen, hey, what are you doing? Gretchen: Oh, scouting out some new digs. Dawson: Mm-hmm. Gretchen: Until my brother Douglas finds a suitable-- and I finger-quote "partner"-- he's best off living by his lonesome. So looks like I'm gonna be shacking up with my other equally irritating yet decidedly less a**l brother. Dawson: That's great. Good luck with that. [They enter the store] Gretchen: Listen, this is, of course, none of my business, but I can't tell you how much it breaks my heart to see once inseparable best friends so estranged. If there's anything that I can do... Clearly something you'd rather not talk about. Sorry. My bad. Dawson: Well, it's ok. Gretchen: Oh, my god. Dawson: What? Gretchen: Dawson, this is the most offensive collection of music I've ever seen. Dawson: Precisely. Which is why I'm trading them in. Gretchen: Yeah, but, Dawson, Vanilla Ice? What were you thinking? Dawson: I don't know. I was 10! Who has good taste in music when they're 10? Gretchen: By the time I was 10, I could rattle off the name of every band on the sub-pop label, and I was telling anybody who would listen that a guy named Kurt Cobain was about to change the face of music as we knew it. Dawson: And by the time I was 10, I could rattle off the name of every cinematographer Steven Spielberg ever worked with. Which somehow isn't that impressive, is it? Gretchen: Ok, what else do we have here? Ok, the Grateful Dead. Now, why--why are you returning this? Dawson: My parents got me that CD. I just... Wasn't a big fan. Gretchen: Ok, ok. I can't believe I am standing in front of a teenage guy whose parents have better taste in music than he does. Shame on you, Dawson. Shame on you. [She just puts her hands up and turns and leaves. He just watches her leave and giggles to himself.] [Scene: Jen's Bedroom. Jen is on the laptop computer, when Jack enters her room.] Jack: You gotta be kidding me. That's like the umpteenth time today you've checked your e-mail. Jen: You lie. Jack: Thank you. I don't know... Every time i went by the computer lab today, I saw the same bosomy blonde behind the same Blueberry IMac. Jen: All right, all right. I admit it, you're right. Jack, I think it's clear that henry has forsaken me for another. Jack: Give the poor guy some time to get acclimated. Jen: I don't know, I mean, it's weird. It's--it's becoming a thing. Jack: What do you mean, a thing? Jen: A thing, an alarming trend. I mean, all summer long there were phone calls, e-mails, I.M.ing each other to the point of exhaustion, but now when I go online he's never there, and when I call he's strangely unavailable. I mean, I'm starting to feel like I did something wrong. Is it possible that I'm not a very good cybersex partner? [Jen stands up an Jack goes over to the computer to check his mail.] Jack: I'm sure you're a very generous and giving cyber-lover, Jen. Computer: You've got mail! [He looks at the message and a disturbed look crosses his face, but Jen can't see it because she is behind him on the other side of the room] Jen: Who wrote you? Jack: Um... No one. [He closes the laptop.] [Scene: The Capeside Yacht Club. Mrs. Valentine is interviewing Joey for the waitress position.] Mrs. Valentine: Now, what exactly is an Ice House? Joey: It's a restaurant. Um, well, it burned down last year. Mrs. Valentine: Oh, how unfortunate. Sounds like a charming little joint. Joey: Well, daddy, you know, he thought it was a good idea for me to get out there and mingle with the little people. Mrs. Valentine: And what does daddy do, dear? Joey: Pharmaceuticals. Daddy made his fortune in the pharmaceutical world. Mrs. Valentine: Oh, well, then, why is it, I wonder, that I don't see the potter name on our roster? Joey: I guess we're just not much of the joining kind. Mrs. Valentine: Where do you summer, then? Joey: I spent my summer sailing, actually. Mrs. Valentine: Oh, well, that sounds lovely. I have to ask. Were you a deck hand or a stowaway? Joey: Excuse me, but, um, before I submit to another second of your thinly veiled bitchery, do you need a waitress or not? Mrs. Valentine: Hmm. Yes, now that I recall, that position's already been filled. Joey: Terrific. Oh, by the way, I'll be sure to tell the Rosses that you said hello. Mrs. Valentine: Excuse me. You know the Rosses? Joey: Charlie, Kate, and Owen? Oh, from way back. How do you think I heard about this position? They're on the board here, aren't they? Mrs. Valentine: Oh, Miss Potter, I think perhaps... You and I got off on the wrong foot. Please. [Scene: School Guidance Office. Pacey walks in to see Mitch in there going through some of the files.] Pacey: Hey there, Mitch...Mister Leery. What are you doing here? Mitch: Just, uh, filling in until they find a new guidance counselor. Pacey: What'd they do with the old guidance counselor? Mitch: Right. You mean the one who referred to you fondly as, and I quote, "one of the most aggressively mediocre students ever to galumph his way through the halls at Capeside high." Poor man was heard muttering your name as he stumbled off into early retirement. Pacey: Poor guy. So, why does this bring me here? Mitch: Ok, so, here's the deal. They have dumped some of the special scheduling cases into my lap. Pacey: What's so special about me? Apart from the obvious, of course. Mitch: Well, for starters, you seem to lack a certain amount of classification at the moment. And you seem to lack a certain amount of clarity at the moment. What happened to you this summer? Pacey: Nothing. I went sailing. Mitch: Right. But, um, well, from the look of things, you should have been somewhere else. Pacey: And where is that exactly? Mitch: Right here. Pacey: Here? Mitch: You should have been in summer school, Pacey. Pacey: That sounds like a terrible way to spend the summer. Mitch: Tell me something. Before you took off, did you happen to, oh, look at your report card? Pacey: I took off a couple of days after school let out. Mitch: Well, you know, had you looked, you might have noticed that you flunked Science, History, and English. 3 biggies, Pacey. Pacey: Well, that sucks. Mitch: Look, Pacey, I don't, uh, really know how to do this, exactly. I've had the distinct pleasure of watching you grow up. You certainly are one of the most endearing pests I've ever met. But I'm not your teacher, ok? I'm not your guidance counselor. I'm just a friend. So, help me out here, ok? I mean, cut the glibness and just listen to me for a second? You're in deep trouble here. Pacey: So what can I do about it? Mitch: You can take these classes over. Pacey: When? Mitch: Every day, after school. Pacey: Well, I was gonna get a job. I kind of need the money, you know? Mitch: No, I don't think you're understanding me, Pacey. You're gonna have to work your ass off this year. Pacey: And what if I can't do it? Mitch: No, you can. You just focus. Pacey: But what if I actually can't? Mitch: Well, then, come this may, you're gonna watch your friends graduate without you, start their lives without you. They'll be heading off for higher education, and you'll be gearing up for another year at Capeside high. How's that sound, Pacey? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: An old beach house. Gretchen is taking Pacey on a tour of the place.] Gretchen: What do you think? Pacey: I think I hate it. Gretchen: Well, I think it's charming. Pacey: Charming? It's like something out of better homes & crap. Gretchen: Ok, you see crap, I see potential. Pacey: Well, no, I see potential, too. I see the potential for rats to gnaw at our extremities while we sleep. Gretchen: It needs but a fresh coat of paint and a woman's touch. Pacey: Mm-hmm. And all we need to do is get the word out that the local crack den has shut down. Gretchen: Why are you being such a naysayer? Pacey: Because it becomes me. Gretchen: Ok, face facts, Pacey. We don't have a lot of money. So that killer condo that you had your eye on is pretty much out of the question. But this place, while lacking in many creature comforts, is totally within our budgetary limitations. And you know what that means? Pacey: Well, I'm guessing it means we get to split the utilities with the cockroaches. Gretchen: No. It means we are going to turn this place into a home, Pacey. I promise. Pacey: Yeah, and until then, we just have to get used to brushing our teeth with brown water. Gretchen: Ok, you seem to have a particularly nasty case of "first day at school." Does senior status not bring you any joy whatsoever? Pacey: You know, it's funny you should mention that, 'cause it turns out, I'm not exactly a senior. Gretchen: Oh, yeah? Then what exactly are you? Pacey: Well, I'm screwed. I'm totally screwed. Gretchen: Ok, elaborate. Pacey: Well... It seems as though I managed to fail 3 classes last year. Yeah. 3. You know, so now I gotta retake those 3 classes and pass all of this year's classes if I wanna have any hope of graduating. Gretchen: Ok. Um... Ok, so you do it. You know, y-you work really hard this year, and you do it. It's not that big of a deal. What does Joey think? You haven't told her? Why? Pacey: Because Joey is smart, but Pacey is an idiot, and I'm trying not to make her any more aware of that fact than she already is. Gretchen: You are not an idiot, Pacey. And something tells me that Joey's feelings for you are not contingent on your GPA. Listen, I can stand here and tell you that everything's gonna be ok, but it's gonna sound a lot better coming from her. So tell her, ok? [Scene: Capeside Yacht Club. Joey is working very busily hoping from one table to another] Joey: [Clatter] Excuse me. Man: Excuse me? [She goes by one table and the man stops her.] Joey: May I help you? Man: That's up for debate actually. Joey: Well, as you can see I don't really have a lot of time for verbal Ping-Pong. Man: Half an hour ago, I dropped down on one knee and begged you for an iced tea and a club sandwich. Joey: You're right. I am so sorry. Man: Don't worry about it, I know how it is. Joey: Well, I doubt that. Man: Let me guess. The boyfriend bailed when the stick turned blue, leaving his rusted-out Camaro up on blocks on your lawn, forcing you to drop out of school and rely on your not-so-reliable alkie mom to watch the little carpet monkey while you wait tables on your high horse. None of which is my problem, hon. This is seriously going to cut into your gratuity. [Laughs] Oh, come on! Where's your sense of humor? I was kidding. Well, not kidding actually. More like, uh, conducting an experiment. My father, who is a world-class cretin, says stuff like that to the help all the time. And I always think, "what an idiot!" You know? I mean, they're just gonna go back in the kitchen and spit in his food. Or worse even. Joey: Fancy that. Would you excuse me while I go check on your order? Man: You would, wouldn't you? Joey: Would what? Man: Spit in my food. Joey: Or worse even. Man: [Chuckles] I knew it! You strike me as very much in touch with your dark side. Thank you for your candor. Joey: Oh, my pleasure. Man: First day on the job, huh? Joey: Yes. Man: And, uh, how much do you hate them already? Joey: Who? Man: The superficial snobs laying down huge sums for the privilege of frolicking in the presence of other members of their tribe. Creeps. Joey: Wow. Cue the violins. You know, nothing tugs the heartstrings like the anguished cry of a poor little rich boy. Would you sign, please? Man: Sure. [Signs the slip Owen Ross] Something wrong? Joey: Your order will be right up. [Scene: Dawson's Room. Dawson is sitting on his bed listening to a CD when his father comes into the room] [Music playing] Dawson: Hey. Mitch: Do I detect something vaguely of my generation? Dawson: Yeah. I've been giving that grateful dead album you and mom gave me a second chance. I don't get it. I still don't have the slightest inclination to drop acid or start using hemp products or incorporate anything remotely tie-dyed into my wardrobe. Mitch: Well, Dawson... The Dead were a phenomenon to be experienced live. Thousands of nomadic fans, the endless jams... That's never gonna come through those headphones. Dawson: Do you ever just get the feeling that you and mom are maybe a little cooler than I am? Mitch: It's a burden, but we cope. Dawson: [Chuckles] good to know. Mitch: I saw Pacey at school today. Dawson: Oh, yeah? Me, too. Mitch: I had to sit down with him about his schedule this year. Dawson: Uh-huh. Mitch: He's in trouble, Dawson. Dawson: And that concerns me how? Mitch: Well, look, I know that Pacey isn't your favorite person right now, but trust me, you're not always going to feel like that. Dawson: I don't know, dad. I can maybe see this one standing the test of time. Mitch: Hear me out. Pacey has gotten himself in some real academic trouble. Without the support of his friends, he might not graduate high school. Dawson: Well, what do you expect me to do about it? Mitch: I don't know. But I've always taken pride in the fact that my son is someone his friends can turn to when they need him. Dawson: Ok, dad, I... I realize this might seem a little hyper dramatic from the cool, calm perspective of an adult, but this is my world, ok? My life. My quote-unquote best friend pursued a relationship with a girl that I've loved in one way or another for as long as I can remember. And that hurts so much that sometimes I can't sit still. Now, I think I've done a pretty good job of trying to move forward, but that doesn't mean that Pacey gets to go on reaping the benefits of my friendship. All right? He's on his own. I can't help him. Mitch: Well, maybe you know someone who can. [Scene: Andie's Bedroom. Andie and Jack enter carrying some clothes. They put down the clothes and begin folding them.] Andie: You're kidding me. He wants to break up with her? Jack: Well, he said he wants to take a break. Andie: After all that? After doggedly pursuing her for an entire school year, after scores of grand romantic gestures, after behavior that clearly licensed professionals would call stalking, he wants to take a break? Jack: Yeah, well, look. He's at a new school, girls are flirting with him, and he's confused. Henry's a great guy but, you know, he's 16. Andie: Guys are maddening creatures. Jack: Heh! Tell me about it. Andie: So what did you tell him? Jack: I said I'd talk to her. Andie: Hmm, no. Jack, I don't think that's a good idea. In fact, it borders on the terrible. Jack: Why? Andie: Because whatever is between Jen and Henry is firmly and clearly between Jen and Henry. And besides, if a guy was gonna break up with me--god! I would hope that he would be big enough to do it on his own instead of sending an intermediary in. [Scene: The deck of the True Love. Joey and Pacey are sitting on the deck of the True Love, as it is in moorings, and eating a pizza.] Joey: So glad we could make reservations. You know, personally I find the food leaves a little something to be desired, but...Gotta love the atmosphere. [Song playing on radio] So, how was your day, honey? Pacey: Oh, it was just swell. Joey: I think you're just a little grumpy because we're not in the middle of the Atlantic anymore. Pacey: Hey, look, I could have this baby packed up and ready to go in about 15 minutes. You just gotta give me the word. I guarantee all this school stuff will still be here when we get back. Root beer? Joey: No Thanks. Our summer at sea was an exceptionally lovely then, but this is now. It's our senior year. Do you have any idea what that means? Pacey: Well, if I had a car I guess I could park it in the senior lot. That'd be pretty cool. Joey: Read my lips, Pace. One more year. Then no more classes, no more books Pacey: No more Dawson's dirty looks? Joey: Ahem. So what was that whole guidance counselor office thing about anyway? Pacey: You know what? Can we just for tonight pretend like we're one of those couples that can consume a meal in blissfully dysfunctional silence? Joey: Ok. [Pacey hands her some cheese] Thanks. Well, do you wanna hear about my new job? Pacey: [Mouth full] What new job? Joey: You're looking at Capeside yacht club's newest serving wench. Pacey: Congratulations. Joey: Don't sound too excited for me there, Pacey. Pacey: Well, I didn't know you were so fixated on getting a job. Joey: Well, yeah. I mean, you of all people should know how badly i need to make the extra money. I mean, without it, I'm doomed to roam the streets of Capeside for eternity, which is unacceptable. You know, I'm-- I'm not ending up some townie. Pacey: [Chuckles] When did you become a snob, Ms. Potter? Joey: What are you talking about? Pacey: Well, what's wrong with being a townie? Joey: Well, nothing Pacey: No, honestly. If someone lives in the same place their whole life, that somehow makes them a bad person? Joey: No of course not Pacey: what if I was to become a townie? Joey: You're not that kind of a person. Pacey: Whoa! I didn't ask what type of person I was, I said, what if I became a townie? Would that somehow make me less desirable to you? [Joey Sighs] Guess that's my answer. Joey: What's going on with you? Pacey: Nothing. Joey: So why are you trying to pick a fight with me all of a sudden? Pacey: I'm not trying to pick a fight with you. Joey: Yes, you are. I mean, something is going on with you, and you obviously don't want to talk about it, which is fine, ok? I understand that. But, I mean, please don't sit here and-- and try to pick some random fight with me just to make yourself feel better. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Dawson's Homeroom class. The teacher is taking attendance.] Teacher: Wagner? Girl: Here. Teacher: Wilson? Boy: Present. Teacher: Witter? Witter? [Dawson looks over at the empty desk near him] Teacher: Young? Girl: Here. [Scene: The Capeside Yacht Club. Joey goes up to Owen who is sitting on the dock and fills his glass of iced tea.] Joey: Can I get you anything else? Owen: Ok, weird girl, what gives? Joey: What do you mean? Owen: First of all, you haven't let my iced tea get past the halfway mark all afternoon, second, you've been smiling and hovering like some kind of mental patient, and worst of all, you totally dropped that whole snappy sarcasm thing you had working for you yesterday. Joey: I'm just trying to do my job. Owen: Yeah, well, at least yesterday you were entertaining. Today, you're just creeping me out. Hey, sit down for a second. Joey: Why? Owen: I want you to see something. Joey: What am I looking at? Owen: Ok, what do you see? [Points at a group of people.] Joey: A guy in a polo shirt trading stock tips with Mr. and Mrs. Dull. Normal? Owen: Pretty boring, huh? Joey: Sure. Owen: What if I told you that polo shirt guy has thrice weekly motel room meetings with Mrs. Dull Normal? Joey: Really? Owen: Mm-hmm. Joey: Does Mr. Dull Normal know? Owen: Of course not. He's too busy acting out his own mid-life crisis with the poor man's Pamela Anderson over there. [Points at a rather well endowed woman] Joey: Are those real? Owen: Hardly. Her silicon valley is the work of that gentleman over yonder, Capeside's own Dr. Liposuction, who is a creep of the highest degree. And that one? She is the worst of them all. Once upon a time, she was married to one of the beautiful people, this, uh, New York city rainmaker who-- well, as these things tend to go-- eventually traded her in for a younger model. Divorce followed quickly thereafter, which came as a real nasty shock to the system, because the poor gal got nice and used to the money. So, she packed up the kid and got herself a job where she could be around the fortune 500 set all day long. And now she's the next best thing... Rich by association. Joey: Wow. No wonder she's such a bitch. How do you know all this stuff? Owen: Hang around this place long enough, you absorb a lot of useless information. It's so funny. These people... All the money in the world and not an ounce of class. [Scene: The walkway along the shore. Jack is sitting there waiting when Jen comes up to him.] [Crickets chirping] Jen: What's happening, gorgeous? Jack: Hey. Jen: So, you rang, I ran. What's up? Jack: I don't know. Sit and talk to me. Jen: Here?! Jack: Yeah, why not? Jen: [Chuckles] It's just-- it's kinda romantic, don't you think? Jack, are you thinking about a crossover episode? Because if so, now's bad timing. I's a taken woman. Jack: Any word from Henry? Jen: No. No, but, you know, I was thinking about what you said the other day, and you're right. I'm just gonna give him some time, let him settle in, then we'll talk and things will be fine. Jack: Yeah. You know, let me ask you something. W-what if, uh, what if things went the other way? Jen: What other way? Jack: You know, what if you guys talked and things weren't fine? Jen: And why would that be? Jack: Well, I'm just saying, you know, have you thought about the possibility of things not working out? Jen: Where's this stuff coming from? Jack: Heh! No where. Forget it. I'm sorry, forget it. Tell you what, let's get some dinner. All right? Come on. Jen: Jack? Have you talked to henry? Jack: Yes. Jen: [Clears throat] All right, what the hell's going on? Jack: Look, I'm just worried about you, Jen. Jen: He asked you to talk to me, didn't he? Jack: [Sputters] no, n-no, he Jen: Jack, is Henry breaking up with me? Jack: I--I don't Jen: You know, he's lying to you, and you're lying to me. Jack: No, Jen, come on Jen: Just leave me alone. [Scene: Joey's house. Joey is inside when the doorbell rings.] Joey: [Doorbell rings] I got it! Dawson: Hey. Joey: Hey. Dawson: It's not too late, I hope. Joey: Oh, not at all, of course not. Come on in. Dawson: Ok. I--I wanted to return these. Joey: [Chuckles] You're kidding me, right? Dawson: No. No, I--I was going through my, uh, CD collection, trying to weed out some of the more embarrassing reminders of my callow youth, and I came across your counting crows collection. Joey: Dawson, you borrowed those, like, 3 years ago. Dawson: Yeah, I know. I apologize for my appalling lack of etiquette. Uh, um? Uh...No. I, uh... So I should go. Joey: Why? Dawson: Because it's none of my business. Joey: What is it? Dawson: Pacey. Joey: Ok, you're gonna have to start making some sense here, Dawson. Dawson: [Sighs] you know, just-- just talk to Pacey, ok? Joey: About? Dawson: About school. He's in trouble. Joey: What are you talking about? Dawson: Well, he didn't show up for school today. And if he's not careful, he's gonna flunk out. I can't for the life of me figure out why I should even care about this, but... I'm here, and if there's anyone who can help him out it's you, so Joey: Well, no offense, Dawson, but if Pacey was in such dire straits, don't you think I would know about it? Dawson: No, I don't. Joey: Why? Dawson: Don't you get it, Jo? When you love someone, you want her to be proud of you, you want her to think there's nothing in the world that you're incapable of. And the thought of disappointing her is-- it's crippling. Good night. [Scene: The Beach house Porch. Pacey is outside when Gretchen walks Joey out to join him.] Gretchen: There he is. Try not to bruise him. Pacey: Hey, there's my girl. Joey: Why weren't you in school today? Why are you suddenly in danger of flunking out? Why do I have to hear about it from Dawson? Why does Dawson know more about your life right now than I do, Pacey? Pacey: Well, because apparently Leery senior has a very big mouth. And, oh, how I bet junior loved being on the receiving end of that news. Joey: Can we just stick to the point, please? Pacey: No, honestly, I'm sure he loved hearing that, you know? Now he's salivating. The guy gets to swoop in on his soul mate with a big fat "I told you so." Joey: Are you delusional? Dawson has zero to do with this, Pacey. Pacey: Yeah, sure. Joey: Do you have any idea how insulting it is to know that I come up last on your list of people to contact in case of an emergency? Pacey: Jo, this is not that big a deal, you know? I'm handling it. Joey: And how does cutting school translate into "handling it," Pacey? Why does this even surprise me? Pacey: What exactly is that supposed to mean? Joey: Exactly what I said. This is how you deal with everything. You run away. You take the easy way out every time. Pacey: Well, I guess that's why I'm such a loser. Joey: You know, you're not a loser, Pacey. I didn't spend my summer with a loser, you know, building what I thought was an incredible foundation for a relationship. I thought that we were a great team. It turns out I guess I couldn't have been more wrong. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Beach House. Pacey is sleeping on the couch when Gretchen comes and wakes him up.] Gretchen: I want you to get up, take a shower, button up your best bowling shirt, and go and apologize to that girlfriend of yours. Pacey: Do you think maybe you could just leave me alone? Gretchen: Pacey, this girl is a keeper, and I cannot in good conscience allow you to blow it because you're scared. Pacey: What are you talking about? I'm not scared! Gretchen: Like a little girl. Pacey: Oh, what do you know? Gretchen: And if you're not careful, you are gonna sabotage this relationship before it has a chance to become something. Pacey: I'm gonna sabotage it, huh? Hmm. Methinks you've been watching a little too much Oprah. Gretchen: I am serious, Pacey. Pacey: Well, what do you expect? You know, I've had to listen in stereo all my life to my brother and my father telling me how stupid I am. How can I help not feeling like a moron sometimes? Gretchen: You're right, they're jerks. Both of them, you know. But get over it already. I mean, dad and Doug have so many problems between them you should just throw them a huge pity party. And they're not your problem. Pacey: Oh, please tell me, great oracle of Capeside, who is? Gretchen: Your problem is Dawson. Don't tell me you don't hear him. You know, whispering in your ear, telling you that you're not good enough. But he's just a ghost, Pace. She picked you, and now you have to deal with it. [Scene: The Capeside Yacht Club. Joey enters the room as Mrs. Valentine is going through some receipts] Joey: You wanted to see me? Mrs. Valentine: Have a seat, Ms. Potter. I was going over yesterday's receipts, and I noticed that a couple of them were signed by Owen Ross. Joey: Right. Mrs. Valentine: Thought you said you were a good friend of the family? Joey: I am. Mrs. Valentine: Well, if you're such a good friend, wouldn't you know he and his family are in Paris until after the first of the year? Joey: But that doesn't make any sense. Mrs. Valentine: No, it doesn't. Joey: Mrs. Valentine, he was here. I served him. He was very rude. Mrs. Valentine: Yeah. I'm not sure this is going to work out, Ms. Potter. [Owen Enters] Drue: Actually, mom, the Ross kid was here. Mrs. Valentine: Drue, honey, I'm right in the middle of something here. Drue: Gotcha, moms, but, uh, maybe you didn't hear what I said. Owen Ross... He, uh, was here. Saw him, own 2 eyes. And I saw Joey here waiting on him, and I think you might want to commend her for the way she handled him because that guy, he can be real high maintenance. [Scene: Outside on the docks. Drue is cleaning a boat as Joey comes up to him, she is angry.] Joey: What just happened in there? Drue: Hey, could you watch your tone, please? I think I just saved your job. Joey: Who the hell are you? Drue: Drue. Drue Valentine. Joey: Mrs. Valentine... That's your mom? Drue: Hey, you pick up quick. Joey: But you said all that horrible stuff about her. Drue: Which doesn't make it any less true. Joey: You lied to me. Drue: Correction. I was playing with you. Joey: Why? Drue: It was fun. My mom told me about the new girl, the one who was a friend of the Rosses. I took one look at you and knew that you lied your way into the job. Which I totally dig about you, by the way. Joey: [Sighs] you're a freak. Drue: Ok, all right, so I'm not who I said I was. Big deal. I'm actually a lot more fun. [Scene: The Dawson Pier. Jen and Dawson are on the end of it talking to each other. Dawson is trying to console Jen.] Dawson: It's ok to be hurt, Jen. Jen: I'm not hurt, Dawson. It's just that only real boyfriend that I ever had enlisted the help of my best friend to dump me, and... You know, I'm-- and I'm just angry. Dawson: Take it from somebody who spent the better part of last spring angry at the world. [Sighs] It's not worth it. I mean, it might numb the pain a little bit, but it's basically just a distraction. [Exhales deeply] I don't know. Point is, if you do it right, Jen, loving someone's gonna hurt. And the sooner you let yourself feel that, the sooner you'll be able to love again. Jen: Dawson, I really don't need one of your sappy self-help seminars right now. Dawson: Just trying to repay a favor. Oh, what? You've been sage to my simpleton more times than I care to count. Jen: God, why didn't just you throw me into oncoming traffic? Dawson: You know, because you helped me through the worst of times. I've really learned a lot from you, Jen. Jen: Really? Like how to downward spiral your way into adulthood? Dawson: [Laughing] No! No, you didn't. You're the one who taught me that love can suck. Things change, passions fade, partners come and go. But that through it all, one thing remains sacred, and that's friendship. And it's true because... I mean... God, without you guys this summer, this would have been a huge black hole of depression for me. Jen: Do you have to be so damned earnest? It's disgusting really. I mean, it makes me wanna drown you in the creek. Dawson: Oh, it's part of my charm. Funny thing about friends. Sometimes they bring you the worst of news, but it's always with the best of intentions. [As they walk off the pier, Jack comes up to join them.] Dawson: Jack. Jack: Hey. Dawson: Thank god. Take her off my hands for a while? Jack: Sure. Dawson: I'll see you around. [He leave them alone.] Jack: Hey. Jen: [Laughs] All right, I--I think I owe you a fairly huge apology. Jack: Ok, that was supposed to be my line. Jen: You're sorry, I'm sorry, somebody's always sorry. I mean, relationships are just one big sorry after another, culminating in a big final messy sorry. Jack: Sounds like someone's drowning herself in an economy-sized vat of self-pity. Jen: Come on, Jack. Aren't the recently dumped allowed to wallow just a bit? Jack: I'm really sorry, Jen. Jen: Me, too. I'm... Sorry for killing the messenger. I just didn't need you to be the one to give me the bad news. I needed you to be my shoulder. Jack: Come here. Better late than never? [Scene: The docks. Joey is sitting on a box when Pacey comes up to join her.] Pacey: Hey, there's my girl. You're not liking me so much right now, are you? Joey: Not so much, no. Pacey: So, you know, I'm talking to my sister, and she says to me, "that's actually not such a bad idea to discuss your problems with your girlfriend." Joey: Nice to know someone in the Witter family can boast a brain cell or two. Pacey: You're not gonna make this easy on me, are you? Ok. So where do I start? Joey: Wherever you want. Pacey: Well, I should probably just start first by saying that you, Josephine potter, have just wrecked me. In the best possible way, you have absolutely wrecked me. Because, you see, I fell in love with you knowing that there was never any possibility of being with you, knowing full well that a sizeable chunk of your heart would... Always be wrapped up in our friend Dawson. And that much was actually ok with me, right up until the point that you chose me. [Sighs] 'cause then you just turned everything on its head. Then I got everything that I wanted, and from that day forward I've just been a wreck. Joey: Why? Pacey: Because... Now all I can do is just wait for the other shoe to drop. You know, just wait for you to realize what a big mistake you've made. Wait for you to realize that I'm just gonna be a big disappointment. And just wait for you to realize that-- that Dawson is the guy that you want to be with. Joey: Pacey, what does Dawson have to do with you screwing up at school? Pacey: Well, nothing and everything. Dawson leery would... Never have screwed up like I did, Jo. It just wouldn't have happened. Joey: You know that. You're right. Do you know what else Dawson would never do? He would never inspire me to run away with him for the summer. It just wouldn't happen, and you know that. We had a magic summer, Pacey. I mean, we shared something that I'm gonna remember for the rest of my life. I mean, don't you see? We're creating our own history here. A history that has nothing to do with Dawson. Pacey: That's a nice way of looking at it. Joey: Yeah. But, you know, this is-- this is where it gets rough. What do you mean? We spent 3 months on the sea, but... We didn't even come close to weathering the storm. We ran away. We made our own reality and... It was so wonderful-- but it couldn't last forever. Nor should it. Heh. Pacey, a relationship isn't about a romantic 3-month cruise. It's gonna be the details that define us. You know, like... The moments. Pacey: Ok. Joey...I am... Really scared. Um... I think that I screwed up and I'm gonna flunk out of high school. [Exhales deeply] so I need your help um...Really badly. Joey: That's all you needed to say, pace. Pacey: Heh! Oh, easy for you to say. Joey: Oh, but, whatever it takes, we're gonna fix it. You know, I mean, everything's gonna be ok. Pacey: How can you be sure? Joey: I'm not going anywhere without you. Pacey: Looking for special things inside of me inside of me inside of me inside of me Potter? Joey: Yeah? Pacey: How come you're so much smarter than I am? Joey: I'm not that much smarter, pace. You just happen to be a little emotionally retarded. Pacey: Is that it? Joey: Yeah! Pacey: Oh, that's such a load off my mind. [Laughs] let's go make out some more. Joey: Sounds romantic. Pacey: Well, you're far too cynical for my romantic overtures. Joey: Doesn't mean you don't earn points for trying. Pacey: Oh, come on. You love me. Joey: And you bug me. Pacey: [Chuckles]	Plan: A: Joey; Q: Who is looking for a new job and gets one at the Yacht Club? A: a very influential family; Q: What did Joey pretend to know to get a job at the Yacht Club? A: her boss's son; Q: Who is Drue Valentine? A: her lies; Q: What does Drue Valentine see through? A: Mitch; Q: Who tells Pacey he will not graduate unless he makes up for his bad grades? A: the school; Q: Where is Mitch now a guidance counselor? A: the previous academic year; Q: What year did Pacey's grades fall short of the requirements to graduate? A: Dawson; Q: Who did Mitch tell about Pacey's grades? A: help; Q: What does Pacey need after a fight with Joey? Summary: Joey is looking for a new job and gets one at the Yacht Club pretending to know a very influential family. She is tricked by her boss's son, Drue Valentine, who instantly sees through her lies. Mitch (now a guidance counselor at the school) tells Pacey he will not graduate unless he makes up for his bad grades from the previous academic year. Pacey doesn't want Joey to know, but Mitch tells Dawson, who tells Joey, showing that he still cares about Pacey. Pacey and Joey have a fight and Pacey admits he needs help.
OPEN TO STARS HOLLOW SIDEWALK [Lorelai walks very quickly down the sidewalk passing some of the vendor stands] LORELAI: Morning, Al. Morning, Fred. Morning, Sam. [She drops envelope in a corner nailbox and continues past a man handing out pamphlets.] MAN: Cider Mill's opening Saturday. Big parade and free cider for one and all. LORELAI: Thank you. [Never slowing her pace, she takes the offered paper and quickly hands it out to the next person she passes.] Cider mill's opening Saturday. Big parade and free cider for one and all. WOMAN: Thank you. [Lorelai approaches Miss Patty's dance studio where Patty is instructing several small dancing apples.] PATTY: Keep it going, kids. You're red, you're delicious. You're about to have the juice sucked out of you. [She smiles as Lorelai passes] There she is -- our spunky entrepreneur. LORELAI: I am the uber-Trump-Murdoch-Maximus. [She glances back] Oop. Apple down. PATTY: Apple down. [pauses before reacting] Apple down! Hold it, everybody! Apple down! Okay, roll her over. [calls after the rapidly disappearing Lorelai] Have a nice day. MAN: [OS, continues to call out] Big parade, free cider for one and all. [OPEN TO LUKE'S DINER] [Lane is standing behind counter taking a food order from a woman] LANE: ...and two eggs over easy, got it. Just be a couple minutes. [tears order from her pad and places it on the kitchen ledge] Caesar, order. [Lane smoothly walks around the counter, passing Zach and Brian sitting at a corner table.] BRIAN: Since they were both actually royalty, their child would have a real claim to the Judean throne, see? So Mary Magdalene goes to Gaul to have the kid. She's also supposed to run the church after his death, but that's not what Peter wants, right? But all that got covered up later by Constantine after the council of Nicea purged the Christian -- ZACH: Oh, my god! Will you stop talking about this! BRIAN: This is, like, the number-one book in the country. ZACH: Well, it's my number-one bummer. [Lane approaches] LANE: Okay, guys, what'll you have? ZACH: Burger for me -- nothing healthy on it, extra cheese -- and, of course, an order of...wink-winkers. LANE: [slightly annoyed] You don't have to call them that, Zach. ZACH: Just want to make myself clear. LANE: Look, I told you guys I'd throw you free fries -- not a big deal since they're usually the ones we wind up throwing out anyway from making too many, which means you don't have to call them wink-winkers or nudge-nudgies or know-what-I-meanies or anything else in verbal code, especially if it's cute-cutesy. ZACH: I will abide by that. LANE: Brian? BRIAN: Same thing -- burger and fries. [wiggles eyebrows knowingly] ZACH: Dude, that's cute-cutesy. BRIAN: She said not to be verbally cute-cutesy. ZACH: It was a blanket moratorium on anything cutesy concerning the fries. LANE: I'll be back. [walks away] ZACH: Cokes, too. BRIAN: Better get my money ready. [pulls hands full of loose change onto the table] ZACH: That's not embarrassing. [Lorelai enters the diner and greets Lane] LORELAI: Hi, Lane. LANE: Lorelai, hi. Would you like your usual to go? LORELAI: Yes, and quick-quick, please. LANE: [picks up coffee pot] You know, people are calling you "the blur." LORELAI: That's mean. Or is it? What is that? LANE: [pours coffee into a To-Go cup] You're not around, and you're always running -- swoosh, blur. LORELAI: Well, that's business, baby. If you slow down, they might catch up with you. [glances around] Still no Luke, huh? LANE: Liz and T.J. are still not back up on their feet. Luke's calling the Renaissance Faire his "Vietnam without all the fun shooting." [hands Lorelai her cup] LORELAI: Oh, poor guy. LANE: I made it extra strong. It should blacken your teeth and rot your stomach. [continues working] LORELAI: Bless you. [glances at a chain of colorful postcards on the nearby bulletin board] LANE: [appears] All from Rory. LORELAI: Oh, I'm sorry. Just being nosey. LANE: No, go ahead, read. I'm sure it's stuff she already told you. LORELAI: [adds cream to her coffee] Yeah, probably. LANE: [hands Lorelai a small sack] You are ready to swoosh. LORELAI: The blur is off. [gathers items and begins to leave] LANE: And don't overtip. LORELAI: Try and stop me. [sneaks some dollar bills on the counter as she quickly passes] LORELAI: Hey, guys. ZACH: Hey, Lorelai. Get yourself a wink-winker? LORELAI: What? LANE: Please erase this from your brain. [sets plate of fries on Zach and Brian's table as she passes] LORELAI: I will definitely try. [CUT TO RENAISSANCE FAIRE - LIZ AND T.J.'S BOOTH] [Liz talks to two fellow Renaissance Faire merchants dressed in period costumes] LIZ: I'm telling you, I was going crazy. I was in pain for six weeks. It was fractured in three places. That's why it took so long to heal. But thank God for my big brother. [ Women giggling as Luke passes] HENRY: Morning, Lucas. [approaches carrying large box] LUKE: Hey, Henry. How's your beard? HENRY: [ Laughs ] You always ask that, and I always laugh. LUKE: Well, it's our thing. HENRY: Hey, come here. Got some dish. [motions Luke to come closer] You know Hay Bale Bill, the guy that totes the hay bales? LUKE: I seen him around. HENRY: Got caught in a tent last night with Annie from the grog booth. LUKE: Hm. Isn't she engaged to the fruit-ice guy? HENRY: Yeah, and the fruit-ice guy comes back, and there's Annie and Hay Bale, so he tears the tent to pieces. LUKE: Hm. HENRY: Now the grog people have to hide her. They set up a fort made out of kegs. LUKE: [intrigued] Crazy stuff. HENRY: I'll keep you posted. [exits] LUKE: All right. See you later. [Luke pulls necklace merchandise from a box and drapes each on wooden display branches. T.J., in full costume, reclines nearby, arm in a sling - blanket in his lap.] T.J.: Luuuuuuuke? LUKE: What, T.J.? T.J.: You're putting the pewter next to the turquoise? LUKE: Looks like it. T.J.: We don't usually put the pewter next to the turquoise. LUKE: Well, I'm a maverick. T.J.: Mm-hmm. [ Slurps from his tankard] Ahh. Might be why the pewter ain't moving. LUKE: Pewter's moving just fine, T.J. [Woman dressed in period garb approaches Luke] WOMAN: Excuse me? LUKE: Oh, hi, there. Can I help you? WOMAN: Yeah. I'm looking for the Shakespeare stage. LUKE: Okay, uh, you walk past the Calumba booth, veer right at the drinking horns, then left at the antler ark. WOMAN: Thank you. [thankful look then leaves] LUKE: Mm-hmm. [Walks around booth to organize table items] T.J.: Luuuuuke? LUKE: [strained patience] What, T.J.? T.J.: You didn't use the approved Faire language with that customer. LUKE: Maverick -- me. Don't forget that. T.J.: There's undercover Faire officials walking around. They look for that kind of stuff LUKE: Well, they should get real jobs. T.J.: Would it kill you to shoot her a "Good-morrow"? LUKE: Look, T.J. -- [approaches T.J.'s chaise and hears baseball announcer sounds coming from beneath T.J. lap blanket. He snatches away the cover to reveal a very small television set] I don't believe it. T.J.: [feigns innocence] I know. The Yanks went with Mussina. They should have gone with Brown. LUKE: You're watching T.V.! T.J.: I'm not ready for my nap. LUKE: You're milking it. T.J.: I'm convalescing. LUKE: And you're milking me. But no more. Find some help, get a crutch, because by week's end, I'm gone. T.J.: Liz, you hearing this? LIZ: What? [pulls ear phones out of her ears] I'm sorry. I was listening to my Deepak Chopra. LUKE: I got things to do. I got a business, hopefully a life. [people in costume walk by, noticing the disturbance] T.J.: Uh, prithee, you jest, good sir, and leave us short of hand? LUKE: I ain't jesting. T.J.: But my arm! LUKE: Had no trouble reaching into a tub of caramel corn last night while you were scratching yourself with the other. Your dexterity's fine. LIZ: [resigned] T.J., It's time for him to go. T.J.: [attempting to instill guilt] So, you're gonna break up the team? LUKE: I'm no good to you. I'm not moving the pewter. [walks off... then returns and grabs the little television] Don't want you to get in trouble with the undercover squad. [CUT TO ITALY - LUXURIOUS HOTEL SUITE] [The Concierge enters followed by Emily, Rory and a plethora of bellhops with vast amounts of luggage.] CONCIERGE LUCIANO: Hallo, and here we are -- room 518. A beautiful room -- very special for you, Mrs. Gilmore. RORY: It's nice. EMILY: It's hot. LUCIANO: [quickly reacts to assist] I will adjust the air for you. No problem on my end. [watches Emily walk to the balcony opening to observe the view] It's a spectacular view. Very nice. A little balcony there. EMILY: [frowns] It's different. LUCIANO: Something is different? EMILY: The view -- it's different. RORY: [Rory and Luciano join Emily at the balcony wall] Wow. It's pretty spectacular. EMILY: It's not the same. LUCIANO: It's the same room you had two years ago, Signora -- 518. EMILY: The ruins -- they used to be closer. Something move? LUCIANO: I don't think so. EMILY: That pillar is in a different place. RORY: I think the ruins are probably where they've been for the past 2,000 years, Grandma. LUCIANO: We can get you another room, signora. No problem. EMILY: No, no, it's fine. [returns to the main room, pauses then frowns] Smokers. LUCIANO: I despise smokers. [Rory shuffles through the luggage cart valet] EMILY: Rory, I told you before, you do not move luggage. LUCIANO: Yes, yes, please. We will do that. RORY: Sorry. EMILY: Your high tea is still at the same time? LUCIANO: Si, signora. EMILY: We'll need to book some private tours -- the Vatican, the Villa Medici. And private -- just the two of us. The concierge in Florence stuck us with a Belgian couple at the Uffizi who didn't know a fresco from a ferret hole. And the ruins, of course. Make sure the guide's not too dry. [absently gazes out the patio window] So different. [quickly follows a luggage-laden bell hop another room] The hanging bags should be hung, not laid on the bed. RORY: Excuse me. How far away are we from the catacombs? LUCIANO: Close, but your grandmother would not like the catacombs. Bones disturb her. RORY: It's for me. My grandmother usually takes a nap this time of day, so I go off and do my own thing. LUCIANO: [wistful look] Ah, yes, a nap. [Emily briskly returns to the main room] EMILY: We need two more pillows. LUCIANO: I will see to it. Anything else I can do? EMILY: That should do it. Thank you, Luciano. RORY: Yeah, thank you very much. LUCIANO: Grazie mille. Buona notte. Good evening. Thank you. [exits] EMILY: Let's sit down and pick our restaurants. That's three nights -- that's three lunches and three dinners. We'll take our usual passeggiata around the piazza navana, but let's pick the restaurants. [enthusiastically riffles through the brochures] RORY: Do you want to pick them before your nap or after? EMILY: I'm skipping my nap today. RORY: Oh, really? [Disappointed, she joins her grandmother on the sofa.] EMILY: Absolutely. I'm not the least bit tired. [covertly watches Rory's reaction] RORY: Oh, good. EMILY: Couldn't hide it any better than that, huh? RORY: Hide what? EMILY: I don't take my nap, you don't get to go out on your own. RORY: Oh...[ Scoffs ] Grandma, I wasn't thinking that. EMILY: Well, I was kidding. I'm exhausted. I'm not sure I'll even make it to the bedroom. I may just drop down here on the carpet. RORY: Thank you, Grandma. It's all cultural stuff, I promise. Just kind of faster and funkier. EMILY: Well, go enjoy your funk. RORY: Thank you. [kisses Emily's cheek] EMILY: Mm-hmm. [Rory walks over to the luggage cart] Say, when was the last time we called your mother? RORY: Not sure. [shifts the shoulder strap of a leather tourist bag over her shoulder] EMILY: Have we called her this week? RORY: I think you did. EMILY: We'll call when you come back. RORY: Okay. Bye. [exits] EMILY: Bye-bye. [calls after her and continues to read brochures] [CUT TO DRAGONFLY INN - INTERIOR ENTRY] [Lorelai briskly enters as a male guest crosses her path] MALE GUEST: 'Morning. LORELAI: 'Morning. [crosses over to reception desk] ROB: Morning. LORELAI: Oh hey Rob, I want to keep these brochures nice and neat in the rack here, none of them askew. Otherwise, it gives the place that "we'll leave the light on for you" feel that we're desperately trying to avoid. ROB: Yeah, I checked it. [watches her shuffle the papers inside the display box] LORELAI: That is, if we ultimately decide that we don't mind having brochures here in the lobby. The jury's still out on that. [very brief pause] You know what? Jury's back. Brochures are out. [picks of the wooden box] I'll just take this in the office and... [spies a figure crouching behind the reception desk] Michel... MICHEL: Good morning. LORELAI: Um, what are you doing? [impatient] MICHEL: Hiding. LORELAI: From me? MICHEL: No. LORELAI: From? MICHEL: Suffice to say, my hiding is not costing the inn any income. In fact, I'm overdue for my 10. So consider this my 10, and you are now conducting business with an employee who is officially on his 10, which is in direct violation of union rules. LORELAI: You're not in a union. MICHEL: I'm in a union of oppressed Frenchmen. LORELAI: Oh, the U.O.F. -- Got it. All right. Carry on. [ Sighs, then quickly walks to the next room and interrupts a maid dusting ] LORELAI: Oh, hey, there is a spot on the floor over here that the vacuum never quite reaches. Let's make sure it does. Thank you. [briskly continues walking though the inn. A family of four approaches Lorelai.] Hi. It's the Krumholtzes. How are you doing today? MR. KRUMHOLTZ: Great. Are you always here? LORELAI: I give that illusion. So, what's on the agenda today? MRS. KRUMHOLTZ: Mike and I would love to hit some antique stores. LORELAI: We can guide you to the best of them. MR. KRUMHOLTZ: But the kids would love to stay here. You got games and books, and they'd be bored stiff with us. LORELAI: They can absolutely stay here. There's always people around. MRS. KRUMHOLTZ: Is Michel going to be here? LORELAI: [sympathetic look] Yes. MRS. KRUMHOLTZ: Oh, good. He is their favorite. LORELAI: [disbelief] Michel? Have they met Michel? [to the children] Have you met Michel? LITTLE GIRL: He's funny! LITTLE BOY: Yeah! MR. KRUMHOLTZ: They love him. He chases them around and shouts and pretends to be mad, and they laugh and laugh. LORELAI: Well, Michel is here, and I'm sure he would be happy to look after you guys while your parents are gone. In fact, he's playing hide-and-seek right now, and if you go over to the reception area, I guarantee you'll be getting warm, warmer, hot. LITTLE BOY: Goodie! Let's go! Come on! LITTLE GIRL: [giggles] LORELAI: Have a good day. [enters dining room and picks up a coffee pot on nearby table.] Morning! Who needs coffee? Oh, I'll get you some coffee right there. [a waiter approaches and takes pot from Lorelai.] Oh, hey, when Sookie gets in, tell her I want to go over the layout for the dinner menu. I want to go another way. I'll be in my office. Thank you. [busily walks off] [Lorelai circles back to front lobby and sees Michel attached to two young children] Hey, you found him. Good job, Krumholtzes. LITTLE BOY: [gleefully] He grounded us and told us to go do something to ourselves. LITTLE GIRL: [grins] He used a dirty word. MICHEL: And I'm destined to use many more. LORELAI: No, you're not. Come here. [grabs and drags Michel aside by his lapel] MICHEL: It is not my job to entertain little people. LORELAI: Michel, the Krumholtzes are in our most expensive room. We need people like them to be happy so they tell other people like them they we're happy - because we are a new business, and we all have to go above and beyond the call of duty until we are established. MICHEL: So you watch them. LORELAI: I hate kids. MICHEL: This isn't fair. LORELAI: You're a profit participant. Happy Krumholtzes equal lots of profits, participant. [physically turns him around and approach the children] MICHEL: [fake charm] Who wants to play some insipid board game with me? LITTLE GIRL: We want to play an insipid board game! LITTLE BOY: Yeah! [running off] Let's play Chinese checkers! [Lorelai climbs stairs as her cellular phone rings ] LORELAI: Hello? EMILY: [loudly] Lorelai, it's your mother! LORELAI: Hi, Mom. EMILY: [loudly] I'm calling from Rome! LORELAI: The line is crystal clear. You don't have to yell. EMILY: Sorry -- I still think transcontinental calls are a bigger deal than they are. LORELAI: You're coming in fine. So, Rome? EMILY: Our last stop, and a good thing, too, because I don't know how long I can keep these randy European men off me. LORELAI: Excuse me? [enters a room scrutinizing everything while maid puts fresh sheets on bed] EMILY: They're terrible flirts here. Gorgeous, but so forward. Do you want to talk to Rory? LORELAI: [unenthusiastically] Oh, um, sure. Is she there? [shoos away a maid and takes sheet herself. Maid looks unhappy.] EMILY: Yes, she is. Hang on. Rory! RORY: Hello? LORELAI'S VOICE: [attempts cheer] Hi. RORY: Hi. LORELAI: So, Rome? [struggles with sheet while pinning cell phone between shoulder and ear] RORY: Yep. LORELAI: Weather good? RORY: Hot in the day, cooler at night. LORELAI: Uh-huh, that's kind of what we're having here. RORY: Huh. Coinky-dink. LORELAI: Yeah. So... RORY: So... LORELAI: Um, I guess I'll be seeing you in a couple of days. [attempts to smooth sheet unsuccessfully] RORY: Yep. LORELAI: Great, then. Be safe, and watch out for those Italian men, especially the ones named Randy. RORY: I will. Bye. LORELAI: Bye. [angrily yanks off flat sheet] Didn't look like a quarter would bounce off it. [hands sheet to the confused maid and hurries off] Got to have those bouncing quarters. [CUT TO ITALIAN SIDEWALK CAFÉ] [Emily and Rory carry shopping packages as they select an empty table] EMILY: I think the pink purse with the gold clasp is my favorite. RORY: We probably could have gotten all this stuff at home, Grandma. Now we have to pay duty on them. EMILY: But if you buy them back in the States, then you can't say, "I picked this up in Rome." [young Italian waiter approaches] WAITER: Buon giorno. Hello. May I help you, please? EMILY: Buon giorno. [ Speaking Italian ] WAITER: Ah, la bellissima signora parlo italiano molto bene. EMILY: [extremely pleased as she sits] Grazie. He called me "pretty lady." It just never stops. RORY: [still standing and looking around] You got the gams, Grandma. EMILY: [ Conversing with the waiter in Italian then - ] Rory? Rory? RORY: [distracted] Huh? EMILY: What do you want? RORY: Oh. A triple espresso. [She sits down with Emily.] EMILY: [ Speaking Italian ] WAITER: [ Speaking Italian ] Si, signora. EMILY: [ Chuckles ] He won't stop. WAITER: [ Continues speaking Italian ] EMILY: [ Laughing ] [CUT TO LUKE'S DINER] [Lane, Zach, and Brian are seated at a table discussing their set lists] ZACH: The fact is, we've got five original songs ready to play live. A 40-minute gig means we can fill it out with six or seven covers. LANE: No problem. ZACH: Problem. Our covers are tight and people dig 'em. We play "Fell in Love With a Girl" as good as the White Stripes, so how is one of our originals gonna stack up coming after it? BRIAN: We could play all our originals up top, then close with our covers. ZACH: That's asymmetrical, and we could lose our audience if we play a bunch of originals in a row. BRIAN: Our covers are just too good. ZACH: I say we cut any cover song that overpowers our originals. BRIAN: So no "Suffragette City." ZACH: And no White Stripes. "Lithium" is gone, the Radiohead, both Pixies. BRIAN: No Dandy Warhols. [Lane stares at them both] ZACH: Or Velvet Underground. LANE: Wait, guys. You're cutting every good cover song we play. ZACH: But maybe that's the key. Yeah, yeah -- if we play nothing but crappy covers, our originals will stand out. BRIAN: Brilliant. LANE: [incredulous] What?! ZACH: Anything by Men At Work. BRIAN: Or Chicago, Wings. ZACH: Styx. BRIAN: Culture Club. ZACH: We throw in a Quarterflash, they'll be eating out of our hands. LANE: Okay, this is just kooky. Now, I say we reconvene tonight and figure it out then. BRIAN: I got to get to work, anyway. LANE: I'll see you at home tonight. [Brian puts on bicycle helmet and leaves. Zach begins to follow, while Lane resumes work] LANE: [to customer at counter] I'll get you some more water? [ Bells jingles and the two female groupies, Trina and Cheryl enter ] ZACH: Well, hello. CHERYL: Hey, there. TRINA: Hi, Zach. ZACH: Trina, how you doing? [kisses her cheek] Cheryl, come on. Shoot me some. [Cheryl kisses his cheek, while Lane watches, disgusted] Come this way. You sit there. I want you to sit right here. [CUT TO DRAGONFLY INN ] [Michel sits across a Chinese Checkers board from the Krumholtz kids] LITTLE BOY: It's your turn. MICHEL: Really? That fact has not changed since you said it 10 seconds ago? [ Both children giggle ] LITTLE GIRL: If you lose, will you do that thing where you pretend to get all mad and you hit the board and send the marbles flying all around? LITTLE BOY: Yeah! MICHEL: [surly] I am not going to lose. LORELAI: [enters] Hi, kids. Michel, do we have any double-A batteries? MICHEL: How can a man play Chinese Checkers with all these interruptions? LORELAI: [distractedly spies a distant spot on the carpet] Ugh! Man, they're still not vacuuming that spot. LITTLE BOY: It's your turn, Michel. MICHEL: [moves his checker piece] Redundant little rodent. LORELAI: Michel, the batteries? MICHEL: In the office -- far-right drawer of the credenza. [the boy triple jumps over Michel's game pieces] Damn! LORELAI: [quickly interjects to the children] - Is where water is stored to power electrical facilities. Thanks Michel. [glances to next room] LITTLE BOY: It's your turn again. MICHEL: Grr. LORELAI: Why are the dining room tables always, always out of place? [ Sighs ] [She struggles to shift one of the dining tables, while Sookie notices from another table ] SOOKEI: Lorelai? [to patrons] Excuse me. [She hurries over to stop Lorelai's struggling tugs as the glassware almost topples. To Lorelai] Okay, okay. Table's perfect now. LORELAI: Who keeps moving them out of place? I want a name. SOOKIE: Uh, cruel, sadistic table fairies? Come into the pantry with me, here. LORELAI: I can give you a minute. That's it. -- Ooh. [She smoothly yanks an empty plate from a diner's place then joins Sookie] SOOKIE: I've been trying to figure out a way to bring this up -- what's that? [notices the plate in Lorelai's hand] LORELAI: I cleared a plate. SOOKIE: You don't clear plates. LORELAI: The plate was empty, so I grabbed it. SOOKIE: Give me the plate. You've gone nutty! LORELAI: What?! SOOKIE: Now you're mad. I hate making you mad. I have the worst people skills. LORELAI: I'm not mad or nutty. SOOKIE: But you are, and you have been for weeks. The nutty don't usually know that they're nutty, thus the nutty. LORELAI: Sookie, I'm very busy. SOOKIE: Doing other people's work. LORELAI: I am not. SOOKIE: It's your job to change sheets, fluff pillows? LORELAI: No. SOOKIE: Brush the horses, fold the points on the toilet paper? LORELAI: Sookie, we're breaking in new people. I'm picking up the slack. SOOKIE: I'm new? Michel's new? LORELAI: I'm not doing your jobs. [picks up nearby napkins and carefully folds each while listening] SOOKIE: Two weeks ago, I come in, and my refrigerator, which is sorted by a system that I have honed for 10 straight years, is completely rearranged. The beets are on the top. The vegetables are on the bottom. It's "Apocalypse Now," baby! I yelled at the staff, but now I know. It was you. [pulls the folded linens from Lorelai's hands] LORELAI: It was messy. SOOKIE: It was my messy. I couldn't find anything in there for days. I kept reaching in for strawberries and coming up with liver -- that's not pleasant. LORELAI: I promise not to touch the fridge again. SOOKIE: You're yelling at the employees. You never yelled before. LORELAI: I'm yelling? SOOKIE: And you've got to go home once in a while. LORELAI: Sookie, we're a new business. It's time-consuming. SOOKIE: How many times have you fallen asleep at your desk in that stupid office of yours? LORELAI: Once. SOOKIE: No. Once, you fell asleep on a stapler. The whole next day, you had "Swingline" printed backwards across your face. But you've fallen asleep at that desk a hundred times. LORELAI: Well, I'm here when I'm here. I can't change that. I'm sorry. SOOKIE: Want to know the last time I saw staff and maids looking this scared of their boss? Your mother's house. LORELAI: [hurt] Ow! Knife in the gut! SOOKIE: Well, I'm sorry to deal from the bottom of the deck, but that's reality. LORELAI: [sad look] Well... I am pretty burned out. SOOKIE: Me too. We all are. It's been hard. LORELAI: I will take a break. SOOKIE: Good. LORELAI: Not this week, 'cause stuff's been piling up. But... [pause] not next week. God. I don't know. SOOKIE: Now. [Pulls Lorelai around and pushes from the room to the entry hall] LORELAI: Uh-oh. Hey, stop! Wait, I'm being kidnapped! SOOKIE: Go home and relax. LORELAI: I have no one to hang out with. SOOKIE: I'll hang out with you sometime this week. I need a break, too. We'll have a girlfriend day. We'll get manicures and jump rope and talk about boys. The whole cliché thing. Now go! [Lorelai pauses] Go and don't stop for nothing. LORELAI: Okay, okay, I promise. [Crash sounds and game pieces fly across the room] MICHEL: [OS] Aaaah! KRUMHOLTZ KIDS: [OS] Do it again! Do it again! [Lorelai cringes] SOOKIE: Hold it. [Lorelai flinches] Hold it! Good girl. Now, get your things and go. [Lorelai holds up a hand to cover her view of the mess exits in a hurry. Sookie peeks in the next room, shakes her head and returns to the kitchen.] [CUT TO DRAGONFLY FRONT PORCH [Lorelai stands on the doorway and notices the gardener potting plants on the porch] LORELAI: [ Sighs ] Oh, hey. Um, Bob, are you sure you want to - nope. Keep going. [He nods and continues. Her cellular phone rings, she removes it from her purse and answers ] Hello? [The scene switches from Italy to the Dragonfly Inn] RORY: [calling from her Italian hotel room] It's me. LORELAI: [clipped tone] Oh. Hello. RORY: Bad time? Are you busy? LORELAI: Uh, trying not to be. How are you doing? RORY: Good. You? LORELAI: Good. RORY: [After a long pause, she speaks hesitatingly ] I was at the corner of Bark and Cheese today. LORELAI: [smiling with remembrance, she sits on a porch wicker chair] Bark and Cheese? Really? RORY: And it's exactly the same. LORELAI: Exactly the same? Was there a tiny, little Italian dog in a basket barking the whole time you were there? RORY: Not this time, but I definitely had flashbacks. LORELAI: Did you have a nice piece of cheese with your coffee? RORY: I still say I said the correct word for "cream" in Italian. I even pointed at my coffee when I asked for it. How could I be asking for cheese? LORELAI: But cheese you were brought. RORY: Stinky cheese. The worst, don't forget. LORELAI: That you proceeded to eat. RORY: Because I hate people who make mistakes when they order, especially in a foreign country, and then make a big to-do when they get the wrong thing. Ugly Americans. Yuck. LORELAI: Aha! You admit it was a mistake. You did say "cheese." RORY: I know French, a bit of Spanish, but my Italian -- not so good. LORELAI: Being trilingual is plenty for a young lady. RORY: Yeah. [ Sighs sadly ] Mom? LORELAI: Yeah? RORY: I'm sorry. LORELAI: [ Sighs with a motherly smile ] It's okay. RORY: I screwed up. I screwed up so bad. I handled everything wrong. LORELAI: Oh, honey. RORY: I keep reliving everything over and over. It's such a mess. I just want to fix it. I have to fix it. LORELAI: You will. RORY: I know. I just -- I need a favor. LORELAI: Okay. RORY: It's big. LORELAI: Okay. RORY: I wrote a letter... to Dean. Could you get it to him? LORELAI: [stunned] Oh. RORY: I don't know how else to do it. I can't just mail it to his apartment. It's a big favor. LORELAI: Honey, I don't know. RORY: It's a lot to ask, but I think that this will make everything better. Please. [desperate] Please. I can't wait until I get home. I have to do something now. LORELAI: A letter, huh? Well, get it to me, and I will get it to him. RORY: Thank you. Thank you. LORELAI: Have some espresso and limburger for me. RORY: I will. [sincerely] I love you, mom. LORELAI: I love you, too. Bye. RORY: Bye. [They hang up.] LORELAI: [to gardener] You know, I think if you made it a little fuller - SOOKIE: [spies Lorelai through the window] Go! LORELAI: Going. [exits the porch] [SCENE_BREAK] [CUT TO RENAISSANCE FAIRE ] [Pan down from a wooden sign carved with the words: "Lady Elizabeth's Accessories" spelled out in fancy lettering. Liz hands a small purchase to a Faire visitor.] LIZ: [speaking with acceptable faire language] I want to thank thee, kind lady, for your purchase. Please take one of my cards. Note the website. And do enjoy your day at the Faire. [customer leaves as Luke walks up smiling at his sister] I am kickin' ass! [Luke chuckles] Who knew I was a master salesman? LUKE: So, I'm all packed and ready to go. LIZ: Good, and don't worry about nothing, 'cause we're all cool here. T.J.: [overhears them and continues his conversation with a fellow renaissance vendor] Well, that's the thing. In 10 years, I could die, and they could very well trace it back to this moment. "He got back up on his feet too fast." That's what they can say. [glances back at Liz and Luke's expression] It's weird when people who aren't doctors start thinking they're doctors. LIZ: He'll be fine. LUKE: [insincerely] Gosh, I was so worried. [Liz chuckles] So, I'm gonna make a phone call, and then I'll go. LIZ: Okay. [Luke exits] Hey, hon, could you try and get this cash box open? It's stuck again. [hands T.J. the metal box and a screwdriver] T.J.: If you want. It's just I was holding this screwdriver before, and I almost blacked out. I'll try again. LIZ: Thanks. [T.J. struggles and grunts to open the box, then watches as Luke approaches while dialing his cell phone.] T.J.: Luuuke! Don't forget the undercover guys. They look for cell phones. LUKE: I'll keep an eye out. T.J.: Luuuuuuuke, I'm being your friend here. LUKE: [ Sighs ] [CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE] [Lorelai enters carrying the mail and hears her telephone ringing] LORELAI: Hello? LUKE: Hey, it's me. [Scene switches between Faire and Lorelai's house] LORELAI: Well, huzzah and prithee. Art thou -- ? LUKE: Stop. LORELAI: Sorry. How are you? LUKE: Good. LORELAI: Sorry, that was incomplete. How are you, you big, fat liar? LUKE: What? LORELAI: You said you would be home yesterday. LUKE: I'm coming home today for sure. LORELAI: "Oh, what's that, Lucy? A football for me to kick?" LUKE: I mean it this time. [T.J. feigns distress from his attempts to open the metal cash box] T.J.: Oh, whoa! Man! Whoo! LUKE: [rolls his eyes] It's a done deal. LORELAI: I'll believe it when I see it. LUKE: Did I tell you about Bill? LORELAI: "Hay Bale Bill"? No. Spill. [shuffles through the mail] LUKE: He crawled in a tent with "Grog Booth Annie". LORELAI: No way! LUKE: He did. LORELAI: [appalled] But she's engaged to the fruit-ice guy! LUKE: It's not gonna last. LORELAI: [recognizes a familiar envelope] Oh, boy. LUKE: You feeling okay? T.J.: [thinking Luke is talking to him] I'm very nauseous. LUKE: Not you, T.J. LORELAI: I'm fine. I just have a little assignment I've got to do. So, what lie are you gonna tell me about coming home now? LUKE: I'm coming home today. LORELAI: So, next week? LUKE: Today. T.J.: [to a passing customer] Milady, dost thou have Pepto-Bismol on thee? Or breadstuffs? LORELAI: This month at least? LUKE: Today. LORELAI: See you when Hillary's president. LUKE: I'll see you later today. LORELAI: Bye. [Smiling, Luke clicks off the call with a beep and casually looks at the necklaces displayed] LIZ: [limps closer] Looking for something specific? LUKE: Nah. Well... you remember those earrings you got me before? LIZ: Yeah. LUKE: You have a necklace that would match that? LIZ: Yeah, I think so. You give them to a girl? LUKE: Yeah. LIZ: Anyone I know? LUKE: Oh, you know, it's just someone. LIZ: Dark hair, bright, blue eyes? You were just talking to her? I could tell, 'cause you grin a lot when you do. LUKE: [blushes and looks down grinning] It's Lorelai. LIZ: It's Lorelai! Huzzah! T.J.: Huzzah! NEARBY FAIRE PEOPLE: Huzzah! LUKE: I never got the whole "huzzah" thing. LIZ: I am so happy for you. You've found your T.J. LUKE: Please don't put it like that. LIZ: I've had dreams about you two being together, and my dreams always come true. T.J.: Dream me a healthy spine, sweets. LIZ: [to Luke] You're not gonna be alone. LUKE: [grinning but a bit embarrassed] Yeah, yeah. The necklace. LIZ: [pulls off one from the tree] Perfect? LUKE: Perfect. LIZ: [ Sighs and places gift into a silk pouch] So, go give it to her. [Luke slips the pouch into his shirt pocket and wraps Liz in a big brotherly hug] LUKE: take care, Sis. LIZ: I love you, big brother. [Luke turns to T.J.] T.J.: Whoa! One hug and my back would snap in eight pieces. LUKE: [offers hand and shakes with T.J.] Good morrow, buddy. ["Huzzah!" sounds in the distance as Luke exits] [CUT TO DOOSE'S MARKET] [Lorelai enters and spots a nearby employee] LORELAI: Excuse me. I'm looking for Dean. [girl points] Thanks. [Lorelai walks down main aisle and hears Dean's voice] DEAN: We get lots of stuff from Marco Farms, but a lot of the time, it's hard to predict when it's gonna come in and how much of it we're gonna get. We're kind of at the mercy of [notices Lorelai nearby] -- of the um, guys -- of the farmers themselves, because they sell out a lot. But why don't you leave your name and number when you check out, and we'll give you a call as soon as the eggs you want come in, okay? [the woman nods and exits as Lorelai approaches] LORELAI: Dean. DEAN: Hi. LORELAI: Hi. [hands an envelope out to him] DEAN: [suspicious] What's that? LORELAI: It's a letter for you from Rory. DEAN: [worried] What happened? Where is she? LORELAI: Just take the letter. DEAN: She went to Europe, right? Miss Patty said she went to Europe. What happened? What's she doing there? Who is she with? LORELAI: Dean. DEAN: When's she getting back? LORELAI: Soon. Just take it. DEAN: Where is she? LORELAI: Europe. DEAN: With who? LORELAI: [gently] Her grandmother. Look, take it. DEAN: No. Why did she go? Whose idea was it? LORELAI: That doesn't matter. DEAN: It does. LORELAI: Dean, please. I'm a messenger, nothing more. Just take it. [He hesitates, but takes the letter. Lorelai smiles with sympathy then leaves] [CUT TO LUKE'S DINER] [At the counter, Lane and Caesar are discussing the bowl of greens them] CAESAR: Onion, guacamole, a little red pepper over butter lettuce and endive -- it could be a big seller. LANE: But, Caesar, it's not the salad. The salad looks delicious. It's what you're calling it. CAESAR: Caesar's salad. LANE: Right. CAESAR: So? LANE: There's already a Caesar salad. It's kind of famous. CAESAR: That's Caesar salad. Mine's got an apostrophe "S." LANE: I don't think that makes it less confusing. CAESAR: [points to the door] Customers. [exits] [Zach enters talking with the groupie chicks: Trina and Cheryl] ZACH: ...greatest book I've ever read. CHERYL: Keep going, Zach. TRINA: Yeah, this is da bomb. ZACH: So, Mary Magdalene goes to Gaul to have the kid. CHERYL: That's the slutty one, right? Not the mom? TRINA: It's so confusing 'cause they're all named Mary. ZACH: She's not the mom, but she's not slutty. That's what this dude Constantine wanted you to believe, right? [Lane is listening to them from counter] He was purging the "E! True Hollywood Story" part of it for his own benefit. Turned the whole thing into Hollywood Babylon, and chicks got the short end. [snaps his fingers and beckons Lane to serve them] CHERYL: God, I just want to spend, like, three straight years doing nothing but reading, you know? LANE: [approaches the table] What book? CHERYL: What? LANE: [irritated] You're supposed to wait to be seated. ZACH: Since when? LANE: Since always. That's what what they do at Denny's. ZACH: Okay, well, my usual table where I always sit. Okay, Lane? LANE: Fine Zach. What will you have? ZACH: Allow me to order for you girls. A ham sandwich for the lady on my right. Light mustard, right Trine? [strokes her forearm while Lane rolls her eyes] TRINA: [ Giggles ] LANE: Is that a "yes", Trine? ZACH: That's a "yes." Burger, no cheese for Cheryl. Cheeseburger for me, and go ahead and shoot everybody here some fries [winks]. LANE: Free fries are for friends and family only. Sorry. ZACH: Another new rule? LANE: Nope -- old. Old as Moses. ZACH: Okay, just bring me my order, and we'll all share. LANE: Sorry, no. ZACH: What? LANE: You get free fries, you have to eat them. ZACH: I can't share my own fries? LANE: That's right. ZACH: That's bogus. LANE: That's tough, they're for you, not these girls. They're to be consumed by you, and you alone. ZACH: I don't believe this. LANE: I'll be watching to see if you share, so don't get any big ideas. ZACH: Just forget about it, okay? We'll go to "Al's Pancake World". LANE: Fine! Go! ZACH: We are. LANE: Good. ZACH: Come on, girls. LANE: [ Scoffs ] Whatever. Like I care where you go to eat. [ Door closes ] [Lane huffs up to the counter and loads condiment trays. Moments later, the door rings. Cheryl enters and approaches Lane] CHERYL: Hey. LANE: [impatient] What? CHERYL: Sorry. We didn't know. LANE: Know what? [Cheryl smiles knowingly and glances out the windows before she leaves] Know what? [Lane watches her leave with a clueless look that gradually changes to understanding] [CUT TO STARS HOLLOW SIDEWALK] [Sookie and Lorelai stroll down the sidewalk.] SOOKIE: So... so, this is nice. Being away from the inn for a whole day. LORELAI: Get some perspective. SOOKIE: Just looking at something other than those same walls. LORELAI: Oh. SOOKIE: What a relief. LORELAI: It all falls away. [they both walk and ponder] SOOKIE: My meat guy better not screw me like he did yesterday. LORELAI: Oh, my God! The gutters! That's what I forgot. SOOKIE: I told Steve that if he doesn't leave by 3:00 -- LORELAI: Hey, hey, did I tell Michel to have the guy check all the radiators or just the one - [both chatter at once] no, no, I did. I did. [ Both giggle ] SOOKIE: Ah, now it's falling away. LORELAI: It's starting to. [They both overhear loud voices from a second story apartment window above] LINDSAY: I hate you, Dean! I hate everything! [a bundle of clothing is thrown from the window, fluttering down to the sidewalk below.] DEAN: Let's just talk. LINDSAY: I don't want to talk! I don't want you here! [out of the window comes a hockey stick] DEAN: I'm sorry, okay? LINDSAY: Sorry? DEAN: Yes, because it'll never happen again. SOOKIE: Oh, my God. LORELAI: Oh, my God. LINDSAY: Get out now. Now. DEAN: Don't! You've got my -- LINDSAY: Don't you dare! [another bundle of clothes exits the window] DEAN: Can you not - SOOKIE: Well, that's what happens when you get married too young. [flinches] LORELAI: [uncomfortable look] Yeah, that must be it. DEAN: [OS] I'm sorry. There's not much I can do but say I'm sorry. LINDSAY: You know, there was a lot you could have done. [more clothing out the window] And you know what? You didn't do it! SOOKIE: [fascinated] This is juicy. I usually only get to hear about these things. I never get to see them. DEAN: [OS] I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I mean, can we do something? Can we get over this? LINDSAY: [OS] Too late! Look out the window! LORELAI: [uncomfortable] Yeah, lucky us. Come on. DEAN: Let's just talk. LINDSAY: I hate you Dean. [Lorelai and Sookie continue walking down the sidewalk] [CUT TO LORELAI'S KITCHEN] [Sookie talks on the phone as Lorelai puts away items] SOOKIE: You definitely prepped the sauce for the duck? Because the duck without the sauce, is a duck that we can't use. The sauce has to be prepped early. I know you said it. Say it again. Stop saying "let it go"! Stop saying "let it go," John. Stop it. Stop it! I am letting it go. I just need you to assure me that everything's getting done so that I know I can fully let it go. [door slams] RORY: [OS] Hello? LORELAI: [ Gasps ] Kitchen! SOOKIE: I am hanging up, but I am not letting it go! [Rory appears in the kitchen doorway] RORY: Mom! LORELAI: Oh, my traveler. [they hug tightly] RORY: I missed you. LORELAI: I missed you, too. RORY: Sookie! SOOKIE: [ Squeals and hugs Rory ] You remember who I am! [door shuts] EMILY: [OS] Hello! LORELAI: Hi. [calls out to signal their location] [Emily enters the kitchen] EMILY: Hello, Lorelai. Hello, Sookie. SOOKIE: Hi, Emily. LORELAI: Hi, Mom. [leans to hug her mother] EMILY: Don't! I smell like airplane. RORY: I should go get my bags. EMILY: [scolding] Rory, you do not touch bags. RORY: Oh, I thought that was just a Europe thing. EMILY: The driver's bringing them in. [to Lorelai] We had such a trip. Rory will fill you in. Spare her the more salacious aspects. LORELAI: [intrigued] Salacious aspects? EMILY: Those European men -- young, old, in between -- they saw us coming. SOOKIE: [puzzled] They saw you coming where? EMILY: We were like magnets. Such high libidos. LORELAI: You weren't wearing your "hot and wealthy" sandwich board, were you, Mom? RORY: She was very popular. EMILY: Well, I should go. I bring you back a charming, cultured, well-mannered young lady. Don't undo it. LORELAI: I will definitely try not to not undo it. EMILY: Well, goodbye, all. Goodbye, Rory. RORY: Bye, Grandma. [leans forward to hug Emily] EMILY: Nope. Airplane. RORY: Oh, I can take it. Thanks, Grandma. EMILY: Ciao. [leaves] LORELAI: Come here, you. [urges Rory to join her at the kitchen table] RORY: [giggle] So, what are you guys doing home? LORELAI: We're trying to get some distance from the inn. SOOKIE: And it's going through the roof. Not the inn's roof -- that's solid as a rock. You know what I mean. We're booked to 90% capacity. And the restaurant -- we're turning people away. Oh, you know all that. RORY: No, keep going. SOOKIE: Well, customers agree that, despite Michel, we're their favorite Connecticut inn. That's nothing compared to the big town news. [Lorelai gapes and tries to signal Sookie to silence] RORY: [fascinated] Wow. What? LORELAI: Sookie - [shakes her head to silence Sookie] SOOKIE: We walked past Dean's place, and Lindsay was throwing his stuff out on the street. They were really going at it. It was like "Raging Bull." There's yelling and screaming. [Rory is stunned] LORELAI: Sookie, you're exploding all over the poor girl. SOOKIE: Oh, sorry. LORELAI: And she's probably hungry. You're hungry, right Honey? [Rory slowly nods] SOOKIE: Oh, I'll whip us something up. LORELAI: Oh no, you said you had to pick up Davey, so we'll go out, you know? We'll call you later. SOOKIE: Okay. LORELAI: Okay, let's go. [pushes the issue by standing and urging them all to the front door. She wraps her arm around Rory's shoulders.] [CUT TO LORELAI'S FRONT PORCH] [Sookie, Rory and Lorelai all exit the door] SOOKIE: Talk to you later. [walks down steps and leaves] LORELAI: See you later, Sookie. [She and Rory walk in the opposite direction down the sidewalk.] RORY: What happened? [CUT TO STARS HOLLOW TOWN SQUARE GAZEBO] [Rory and Lorelai are walking slowly around it.] LORELAI: It was unbelievable. It was bad. She was yelling. She was throwing things. He was yelling. She called him a jerk. It was very violent and very public. Other people saw it. It was horrible. RORY: [miserable] This was not supposed to happen. [They bump into Lindsay and her mother] MRS. LISTER: You! You should be ashamed of yourself -- what you did! LORELAI: Just wait. MRS. LISTER: What did she ever do to you, huh? How did she hurt you? Why are you doing this? LORELAI: Theresa, please. Calm down. MRS. LISTER: Calm down? My little girl has to come home and find your heinous letter in Dean's jacket. LORELAI: Listen, we're in the street -- MRS. LISTER: You little monster! LORELAI: Hey! Pull back, lady! MRS. LISTER: There aren't hundreds of other boys in the world? You have to go after her husband? LORELAI: Okay, stop attacking my daughter right now. You're upset, I get it, but you do not do this. MRS. LISTER: She slept with my son-in-law. She broke up a marriage. Are you proud? LORELAI: She did not break up a marriage. MRS. LISTER: What do you know of this? LORELAI: Enough. I know Rory. MRS. LISTER: All I know is that now my Lindsay is devastated, Dean is back with his parents, lives are destroyed, and you and your daughter can go to hell! [She storms off dragging her daughter with her] [Rory wipes her eyes and pushes her hair from her face in silence.] LORELAI: [ Clears throat ] Okay, I have got to know what was in that letter. RORY: Um... I... I told him...that... that night was special and...that I wasn't sorry that it happened. But he's married, and... he has to figure out his life. So I was going to make it easier for him and take myself out of the mix. LORELAI: [sympathetic] Well, that was a very good letter. RORY: I can't believe she found it. LORELAI: [looking around] We can't keep standing here. RORY: I know. LORELAI: These streets are dangerous right now. RORY: Very. LORELAI: Come on. [They walk off] [CUT TO SIDWALK IN FRONT OF LUKE'S DINER] [Lorelai and Rory approach and walk in] LORELAI: Anything you want is on me. Pie, cake, pancakes, pan pie, cake pan, panacockin. Say the word or make one up. It's yours. [they sit] RORY: Chair feels good. LORELAI: Yeah, yeah. A chair does feel good. RORY: [slowly considering] I think a root beer might be good. LORELAI: Root beer sounds good! [Luke appears at their table] LUKE: It's on the house, so go crazy. LORELAI: [surprised] Luke! LUKE: [grins at Lorelai] Hey. [to Rory] Hi, Rory. Welcome back. RORY: Thanks. LUKE: [looks at Rory concerned] Are you okay? You look a little pale. LORELAI: You know, pale's the new tan. [Luke smiles warmly at her] LORELAI: [ Chuckles and smiles back ] So, you're here. [smacks him on the chest] You're not a mirage. LUKE: I told you I was coming back. LORELAI: But you lied to me repeatedly for weeks, so your credibility's been shattered. LUKE: I know. It's been seven weeks. LORELAI: [grins and smacks him again] Seven weeks. LUKE: [ Chuckles nervously and looks at the ground before clearing his throat ] You know, I just remembered -- I have an errand to run. LORELAI: [skeptical] Oh, yeah? LUKE: I got to go to the pharmacy. I'm gonna go now. [to Rory] Lane's here. She'll bring you your root beer. [calls out to the kitchen] Hey, Lane, I got to run down to the pharmacy! Got an errand. LANE: [OS] Okay! LUKE: [to the Gilmore girls] So... I'll be back in a bit. [As he exits, he glances back at Lorelai before hurrying off. Lane rushes up to their table.] LANE: Rory?! RORY: Hey, you! LANE: You're back! [to Lorelai] Our girl's back. LORELAI: I know. LANE: We need to consult. RORY: Oh, sounds serious. LANE: I'm in a quandary. RORY: Other people's quandaries. I'm all ears. [Lorelai gazes out the window to where Luke disappeared] LORELAI: Hey, you know, I just remembered -- I have to go to Doose's to... pick something up. You need a banana or anything? RORY: I'm good. LORELAI: Are you sure? RORY: Yeah, I'm consulting on a quandary. Go. LORELAI: Okay. I'll be right back. [she leaves] LANE: So, my quandary -- are you ready? And I need honesty. RORY: Shoot. LANE: Am I in love with Zach? RORY: What? LANE: I need to know if you think I'm in love with Zach, 'cause a dirty trollop suggested it, and they're generally reliable about these things. RORY: A dirty trollop? LANE: She said something to me and gave me this sort of knowing, worldly look that seemed to suggest I was acting in a way that said I have a thing for Zach, or she was hitting on me. I just need to know your thought on this. [Rory stares at her mutely] Hey. Are you listening? [CUT TO STARS HOLLOW SIDEWALK - NEAR THE WESTON BAKERY] [Luke stands nervously beside a tall, shady bush, shifting his weight from foot to foot clutching a small paper sack. Lorelai briskly walks around the corner and spies him.] LORELAI: Hey. There you are. [walks up to him] LUKE: Hi. LORELAI: So -- [notices the sack] oh, you really ran an errand. LUKE: I didn't run an errand, but I sort of kept up the pretense. So I went in the pharmacy. So, I was in the pharmacy, so I had to buy something, so I... I feel kind of dumb. LORELAI: Yeah. LUKE: [chuckles nervously ] LORELAI: But you didn't really have an errand, right? LUKE: Naw, It was just getting kind of crowded back there, you know? LORELAI: Yeah. LUKE: So, I brought you something. [Luke hands her the paper sack while he digs around in his shirt pocket] LORELAI: Oh. [ pulls out a pack of cigarettes and gasps with pretense of delight] My own smokes. Ginchy. [looks up and sees Luke holding a beautiful dangling necklace.] Oh. [takes the fine chain] That's beautiful. LUKE: [shyly] I think that'll match the earrings I got you before. If they don't, I'll take them back. LORELAI: [pulls aside her hair and displays necklace beside her earrings] Definitely goes. LUKE: Oh, yeah, look at that. Perfect match. LORELAI: Perfect match. [They lean closer ready to kiss. Suddenly, cymbals crash, marching band plays and appears around the corner followed by a whole parade. ] LUKE: [irritated] I don't believe it. What the hell is this? LORELAI: Cider mill. LUKE: Oh for the love of... [People walk past carrying balloons, clown juggles a large apple. Michel appears being dragged by the Krumholtz children] LITTLE BOY: Hurry up, Michel! MICHEL: What are you doing here? LORELAI: What are you doing here? MICHEL: I'm enjoying the cider mill parade. Such culture I've been missing all these years. This band -- so subtle. Like a polo mallet hitting your head. LITTLE BOY: Come on! LITTLE GIRL: Yeah, Come on! MICHEL: Don't pull! I'm fragile! [people continue to walk past, several dancing apples waltz by] LUKE: This town... LORELAI: "-- is our town. This town is so glamorous". LUKE: [hesitant] So, we'll hook up later, maybe. LORELAI: We'll hook up later. Definitely. LUKE: Good. LORELAI: I love the necklace. LUKE: Good. LORELAI: Good. [distractedly bumps into a spectator, causing him to release a fistful of red balloons] Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, no! Oh, let me pay you. I don't have any cash. Um, well, would you take an I.O.U.? Have you been to the Dragonfly Inn? The food is great. Would you like to -- oh, I know. [pulls out the cigarettes] Do you smoke? [CUT TO THE OUTSIDE OF THE FORESTER HOUSE - FRONT DOOR] [Rory knocks on the door and stands waiting. Dean opens the door.] RORY: Hi. [Dean exits and quietly closes behind him] I hope this is okay. I wasn't sure where to call, and I just had to -- are you okay? DEAN: [ Scoffs ] Am I okay? RORY: Yeah, I mean... how do you...feel? [Dean scoffs again looking around] I'm sorry. That's a stupid question. DEAN: No. It's not a stupid question. Um...let's see. How do I feel? Actually...I feel like an idiot. RORY: Why? DEAN: Why? Because I was married, ...Rory. Married. And I threw it all away for someone who dumped me once and then just bailed on me. RORY: I didn't just bail. I -- DEAN: I hurt everybody. I hurt Lindsay, I hurt her parents, I hurt my parents, and now I'm back at home, and you're in Europe with your grandmother. And what the hell was I thinking? I mean, what am I doing? What's wrong with me? RORY: [looks miserable] Nothing. DEAN: I got to get ready for work. [long pause then turns and goes inside.] [Rory sighs, then turns around and gazes up in misery. A group of escaped red balloons float by and higher into the sky.] [CUT TO LORELAI'S HOME - EXTERIOR NIGHT] RORY: [OS from inside] So, finish your story. LORELAI: [OS from inside] Everybody knows you don't mess with Hay Bale Bill. [CUT TO LORELAI'S HOME - LIVING ROOM] LORELAI: [OS from kitchen] So Hay Bale goes off and punches the guy, and it turned out to be the wrong guy -- all over this perceived insult about his girlfriend's legs. RORY: Wait -- which one had hairy legs -- Annie the Grog Girl or Ocarina Jane, who secretly sold pot behind the brass-rubbing booth? LORELAI: You mean "hairiest." RORY: Egads. LORELAI: I'm thinking bathing-suit season at the Renaissance Faire is only enjoyed by the blind. RORY: Hmm. LORELAI: Hey, I should bring steak sauce, right? RORY: For what? LORELAI: Pizza. RORY: I just got back from Italy. LORELAI: So? RORY: So they'd shoot you in Italy for that. LORELAI: But this is America, where we unapologetically bastardize other countries' cultures in a gross quest for moral and military supremacy. RORY: I forgot. Bring on the imperialistic condiments. LORELAI: Hey, do you think Annie the Grog Girl made a pass at Luke? I'm sure he rebuffed her, but he was there a long time. I hope not. I'd joust the little slut. RORY: [ Chuckles ] Hmm. LORELAI: So, you want to talk about -- RORY: Something to watch? LORELAI: Uh, yes. Something to watch. RORY: You pick. LORELAI: Will you be mad if it's "Showgirls" again? I got the deluxe edition with shot glasses and a drinking game. [Rory looks up sadly. They sit in silence for a few moments] Sanctuary. RORY: [takes a big breath] Let me show you one thing before "Showgirls," okay? LORELAI: What? RORY: Home movies from my trip with Grandma. LORELAI: You have home movies? RORY: [clicks on TV and tape] She was in fine form. [playing on the TV is an old movie. An elder woman and a young girl gaze out a patio window] OLDER WOMAN IN MOVIE: Signora distinctly wrote, "south rooms with a view and close together." Instead of which, she has given us north rooms without a view and a long way apart. LORELAI: She gets very British when she's abroad. RORY: Oh, yes. OLDER WOMAN IN MOVIE: Hurry and get dressed, dear, or we'll miss our dinner, on top of everything else. LORELAI: And you look very innocent and pretty. RORY: It was a great view. I don't know what she was talking about. OLDER WOMAN IN MOVIE: ...What we were led to expect. I thought we were going to see... the signora distinctly wrote, "south rooms with a view"...	Plan: A: his injuries; Q: What is T.J. milking for all he's worth? A: Luke; Q: Who decides it's time to go home after seven weeks on the Ren Faire circuit? A: Rory; Q: Who is saddened when Dean expresses regret for the shift in their relationship? A: Rory calls; Q: Who apologizes to Dean? A: her mother; Q: Who does Rory ask to deliver a letter to Dean? A: Dean; Q: Who does Rory apologize to for the shift in their relationship? A: Sookie; Q: Who diagnoses Lorelai with a bad case of management burnout? A: Lorelai; Q: Who does Lindsay's mother have an angry confrontation with in the town square? A: two; Q: How many friends decide to decompress with a girls-day-out? A: the attentions; Q: What do Emily and Rory have to fight off from European men? A: randy European men; Q: Who do Emily and Rory have to fight off? A: Michel; Q: Who is unenthusiastic when he's pressed into babysitting for guests whose children take an interest in him? A: an inexplicable shine; Q: What do the children take to Michel? A: Lindsay; Q: Who throws Dean out of the house? A: all his possessions; Q: What does Lindsay throw out of Dean's house? A: Lane; Q: Who realizes that she's falling for Zack? Summary: T.J. is milking his injuries for all he's worth, but Luke decides that it's time to go home after seven weeks on the Ren Faire circuit; Rory calls to apologize and to ask her mother to deliver a letter to Dean; Sookie accurately diagnoses Lorelai with a bad case of management burnout, and the two friends decide to decompress with a girls-day-out; Emily and Rory come home exhausted from fending off the attentions of randy European men; Michel is wildly unenthusiastic when he's pressed into babysitting for guests whose children take an inexplicable shine to him; after Lindsay finds Rory's letter, she throws Dean and all his possessions out of the house, and her mother has an angry confrontation with Lorelai in the town square; Lane realizes that she's falling for Zack; Rory is saddened when Dean expresses regret for the shift in their relationship and the harm it caused to his wife and their families.
SPACE: CLOSE-UP ON MOON BEFORE SWITCHING TO EARTH. ZOOM THROUGH CLOUDS. EXT. LONDON, NIGHT. The TARDIS flies out of control over London. INT TARDIS The center console sparks and the room is in flames. Pan towards the open doors and we see the newly-regenerated DOCTOR hanging on by his hands, sonic screwdriver in his mouth. EXT. LONDON, NIGHT. The DOCTOR begins to pull himself into the TARDIS. He turns at the sound of a bell and sees that he is about to hit "Big Ben". He uses the screwdriver on the controls and slips out as the TARDIS speeds up, narrowly missing the top of the tower. INT TARDIS He pulls himself inside, closes the doors and falls against them with a sigh. It lurches and spins out of control. [SCENE_BREAK] Matt Smith Karen Gillan "The Eleventh Hour" by Steven Moffatt Producer Tracie Simpson Director Adam Smith [SCENE_BREAK] EXT NIGHT. A child's windmill is turning. Pan across an overgrown garden with a slightly dilapidated shed, abandoned tools, a park bench and a swing set. We see a modest house through an arbour and follow through. We hear a young girl's voice. GIRL: Dear Santa, thank you for the dolls and pencils and the fish. It's Easter now, so I hope I didn't wake you. INT BEDROOM, NIGHT A young ginger-haired girl is kneeling beside her bed, eyes closed, saying her prayers GIRL: But honest, it is an emergency. There's a crack in my wall. (turns to wall where there is a crack spreading across it. Returns to prayer) Aunt Sharon says it's just an ordinary crack, but... I know it's not, because, at night, there's voices. So please, please, could you send someone to fix it? Or a policeman. Or... We hear the TARDIS materializing and then a crash and glass breaking. The young girl turns her head towards the window. GIRL: Back in a moment. She gets up from the floor, picks up a torch from the nightstand, runs to the window and pulls back the curtain to look outside. The TARDIS has materialized on his side and knocked down part of the shed. There is smoke rising from it. GIRL: (looks up at the sky) Thank you, Santa. EXT HOUSE, NIGHT The girl steps outside wearing a red jacket and matching wellies. By the light of the torch, she makes her way through to where the TARDIS has crashed. The doors suddenly open at the top and a rope with a grappling hook is thrown out. It latches onto a lawn roller. The girl watches as first one hand then the other come over the edge followed by the DOCTOR'S head. DOCTOR: Can I have an apple? All I can think about - apples. I love apples. Maybe I'm having a craving. That's new - never had cravings before. (straddles the TARDIS and looks back inside) Whoa! Look at that! GIRL: Are you OK? DOCTOR: (puts both legs over the side, sitting on the edge) Just had a fall. All the way down there, right to the library. Hell of a climb back up. GIRL: You're soaking wet. DOCTOR: I was in the swimming pool. GIRL: You said you were in the library. DOCTOR: So was the swimming pool. GIRL: Are you a policeman? DOCTOR: Why? Did you call a policeman? GIRL: Did you come about the crack in my wall? DOCTOR: What cra...? (falls to the ground) Agh! GIRL: Are you all right, mister? DOCTOR: (kneeling) No, I'm fine, it's OK. This is all perfectly norm... (opens mouth and releases regeneration energy) GIRL: Who are you? DOCTOR: (energy rising from his hands) I don't know yet. I'm still cooking. Does it scare you? GIRL: No, it just looks a bit weird. DOCTOR: No, no, no. The crack in your wall. Does it scare you? GIRL: Yes. DOCTOR: (jumps up) Well, then, no time to lose. I'm the Doctor. Do everything I tell you, don't ask stupid questions and don't wander off. (strides away with purpose and walks into a tree, knocking him to the ground) GIRL: You all right? DOCTOR: (lying on the ground) Early days. Steering's a bit off. INT. HOUSE, KITCHEN The DOCTOR stands there looking around. GIRL: If you're a doctor, why does your box say "Police"? DOCTOR: (takes a bite of the apple she offers, chews and then spits it out before coughing) That's disgusting. What is that? GIRL: An apple. DOCTOR: Apples are rubbish. I hate apples. GIRL: You said you loved them. DOCTOR: No, no, I love yoghurt. Yoghurt's my favourite. Give me yoghurt. The GIRL runs to the fridge and gets him a yoghurt. The DOCTOR opens the container and pours it into his mouth. He spits that out as well. DOCTOR: I hate yoghurt, it's just stuff with bits in. GIRL: You said it was your favourite. DOCTOR: New mouth, new rules. (wipes back of hand across his mouth) It's like eating after cleaning your teeth, everything tastes wro-agh! (has a small fit) GIRL: What is it? What's wrong with you? DOCTOR: Wrong with me? It's not my fault. Why can't you give me decent food? You're Scottish - fry something. The GIRL turns on the stove and begins to fry up bacon as the DOCTOR uses a towel to dry his hair. DOCTOR: Ah! Bacon! The DOCTOR sits and the table and eats the bacon from a plate and the GIRL watches with a laugh. The DOCTOR makes a face and agains spits out the food. DOCTOR: Bacon. That's bacon. Are you trying to poison me? The GIRL turns on the stove again and cooks some baked beans as the DOCTOR watches. DOCTOR: Ah, you see, beans. Once more at the table, the DOCTOR takes a forkful of beans an promptly spits them into the sink as the poor GIRL makes a face. DOCTOR: Beans are evil. Bad, bad beans. Next, the girl simply spreads butter over a slice of bread. DOCTOR: Bread and butter. Now you're talking. EXT. HOUSE, NIGHT At the open door, the DOCTOR throws the plate outside. We hear it crash and a cat meow. DOCTOR: And stay out! (closes the door behind him) INT. HOUSE, KITCHEN The GIRL looks in the fridge as the DOCTOR paces. GIRL: We've got some carrots. DOCTOR: Carrots? Are you insane? No, wait, hang on. I know what I need. I need... I need... I need... (looks in both the fridge and freezer) Fish fingers and custard. (takes out both items) LATER, sitting at the table, the DOCTOR dips a fish finger into a bowl of custard then takes a bite. Across from him, the GIRL eats ice cream from the container. The DOCTOR then picks up the bowl and drinks the custard from it. It leaves a mustache which he wipes away with his hand. GIRL: Funny. DOCTOR: Am I? Good. Funny's good. What's your name? GIRL: Amelia Pond. DOCTOR: Ah, that's a brilliant name. Amelia Pond, like a name in a fairy tale. Are we in Scotland, Amelia? AMELIA: No. We had to move to England. It's rubbish. DOCTOR: So what about your mum and dad, then? Are they upstairs? Thought we'd have woken them by now. AMELIA: I don't have a mum and dad. Just an aunt. DOCTOR: I don't even have an aunt. AMELIA: You're lucky. DOCTOR: I know. So, your aunt. Where is she? AMELIA: She's out. DOCTOR: (surprised) And she left you all alone? AMELIA: I'm not scared. DOCTOR: 'Course you're not. You're not scared of anything! Box falls out of the sky, man falls out of box, man eats fish custard, and look at you, just sitting there. So you know what I think? AMELIA: What? DOCTOR: Must be a hell of a scary crack in your wall. INT. HOUSE, AMELIA'S BEDROOM DOCTOR: (examines crack) You've had some cowboys in here. Not actual cowboys, though that can happen. AMELIA: (stands in the doorway, apple in her hand) I used to hate apples, so my mum put faces on them. (she hands the DOCTOR an apple with a smiley face carved into it) DOCTOR: She sounds good, your mum. (tosses apple into the air and catches it) I'll keep it for later. (goes back to examine the crack) This wall is solid and the crack doesn't go all the way through it. So here's a thing - where's the draught coming from? (runs the sonic screwdriver along the crack then checks the readings) Wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey. You know what the crack is? AMELIA: What? DOCTOR: It's a crack. (runs fingers along crack) I'll tell you something funny. If you knocked this wall down, the crack would stay put, 'cos the crack isn't in the wall. AMELIA: Where is it, then? DOCTOR: Everywhere. In everything. It's a split in the skin of the world. Two parts of space and time that should never have touched, pressed together...right here in the wall of your bedroom. (presses ear against wall) Sometimes, can you hear... AMELIA: A voice? Yes. The Doctor hears an echoing voice. He takes the water glass from the nightstand, pours out the water, then presses it against the wall, and then his ear against the other end. VOICE: Prisoner Zero has escaped. DOCTOR: Prisoner Zero? AMELIA: Prisoner Zero has escaped. That's what I heard. What does it mean? VOICE: Prisoner Zero has escaped. DOCTOR: (steps back from the wall) It means that, on the other side of this wall, there's a prison and they've lost a prisoner. Do you know what that means? AMELIA: What? DOCTOR: You need a better wall. (moves her desk out of the way) The only way to close the breach is to open it all the way. The forces will invert and it'll snap itself shut. Or... AMELIA: What? DOCTOR: You know when grown-ups tell you everything's going to be fine and you think they're probably lying to make you feel better? AMELIA: Yes. DOCTOR: Everything's going to be fine. The DOCTOR holds out his hand and AMELIA grasps it. With his other hand, the DOCTOR uses the sonic screwdriver on the crack. AMELIA peers around his as a bright light shines through the crack as it widens. In the dim light, we can see what looks to be cells. VOICE: Prisoner Zero has escaped. The DOCTOR takes a step closer to the crack. VOICE: Prisoner Zero has escaped. DOCTOR: Hello? Hello? A giant blue eye peers at them through the crack. AMELIA: What's that? A small ball of light or electricity shoots out from the crack, strikes the DOCTOR and he falls against the bed. The crack then seals once more. DOCTOR: There. You see, told you it would close. Good as new. AMELIA: What was that thing? Was that Prisoner Zero? DOCTOR: No. I think that was Prisoner Zero's guard. Whatever it was, it sent me a message. Psychic paper, takes a lovely little message. 'Prisoner Zero has escaped.' But why tell us? Unless... (stands) AMELIA: Unless what? DOCTOR: (looks around) Unless Prisoner Zero escaped through here. But he couldn't have. We'd know. (runs out of the room) INT. HOUSE, HALL DOCTOR: (looks around, confused) It's difficult. Brand-new me, nothing works yet. But there's something I'm missing... (close-up on the DOCTOR'S eyes) in the corner...(turns to face one of the doors at the other end of the hall) of my eye. There is an echoing sound of machinery along with a deep bell. DOCTOR: (runs down the stairs) No, no, no, no, no, no! AMELIA follows. EXT. NIGHT, BACK GARDEN DOCTOR: (runs outside) I've got to get back in there! The engines are phasing, it's going to burn! AMELIA: But... it's just a box! How can a box have engines? DOCTOR: (frees grappling hook and gathers the rope) It's not a box. It's a time machine. AMELIA: (disbelieving) What, a real one? You've got a real time machine? DOCTOR: Not for much longer if I can't get her stabilised. Five-minute hop into the future should do it. (loops rope through door handles) AMELIA: Can I come? DOCTOR: Not safe in here, not yet. Five minutes. Give me five minutes, I'll be right back. (hops onto the edge and prepares to go inside) AMELIA: People always say that. DOCTOR: (jumps down to the ground and looks into her face) Am I people? Do I even look like people? Trust me, I'm the Doctor. AMELIA smiles and the DOCTOR climbs back onto the TARDIS. Holding onto the rope, he gives her a last look before jumping. DOCTOR: Geronimo! The TARDIS doors slam shut and AMELIA watches as the TARDIS dematerializes. When it's gone, she runs back inside. INT. HOUSE AMELIA runs up to her room, pulls a small suitcase from under her bed and begins to pack. As she runs across the hall, one of the doors that was closed on her way up is now open. Packing done, AMELIA heads back downstairs, not noticing the open door. EXT. NIGHT, BACK GARDEN Now wearing a warm coat and hat, AMELIA runs to where the TARDIS disappeared, puts her suitcase on the ground, sits on it and waits. INT. HOUSE Through the kitchen window, we see AMELIA waiting and a shadowy figure darts past and is gone. We then pan to the clock on the wall as it ticks away the seconds. 11:30 becomes 10:20. EXT. BACK GARDEN, DAY The TARDIS materializes in AMELIA'S back garden. The door opens and the DOCTOR emerges amid billowing smoke, cloth held over his nose and mouth. DOCTOR: Amelia! Amelia! (runs towards house) I worked out what it was. I know what I was missing! You've got to get out of there! (uses screwdriver on door lock and it opens after a few tries) INT. HOUSE DOCTOR: Amelia? (runs upstairs) Amelia, are you all right? Are you there? (goes immediately to the door that troubled him before and tries to open it with the screwdriver) Prisoner Zero is here. Prisoner Zero is here! Prisoner Zero is here! Do you understand me? Prisoner Zero is... (he turns and is hit on the head with a cricket bat) EXT. DAY An ambulance with its siren on approaches a large brick building, a hospital. INT. DAY, HOSPITAL CORRIDOR A male nurse in blue scrubs follows a woman in a business suit INT. DAY, WARD All the patients are unconscious. The woman stops in front of one of the beds, the man beside her. WOMAN: So. They all called out at once, that's what you're saying? (man nods) All of them, all the coma patients. (flips through patient's file) You do understand that these people are all comatose, don't you? They can't speak. NURSE: Yes, Dr Ramsden. DR RAMSDEN: Then why are you wasting my time? NURSE: Because they called for you. DR RAMSDEN: Me? PATIENT: (softly) Doctor. DR RAMSDEN and the NURSE turn to face the PATIENT who is still unconscious. PATIENT: (softly) Doctor. All the other patients begin to speak, saying "Doctor" INT. HOUSE, HALL The DOCTOR slowly comes to, and, as his vision clears, he sees a female police officer in a very short skirt speaking into her radio. OFFICER: White male, mid-20s, breaking and entering. Send me some back-up, I've got him restrained. (ends conversation and sees the DOCTOR is awake) Oi, you! Sit still. DOCTOR: (groans) Cricket bat. I'm getting cricket bat. OFFICER: You were breaking and entering. The DOCTOR tries to stand and finds out he's handcuffed to the radiator. DOCTOR: Well, that's much better. Brand-new me, whack on the head. Just what it needed. OFFICER: Do you want to shut up now? I've got back-up on the way! DOCTOR: Hang on, no, wait - you're a policewoman. OFFICER: And you're breaking and entering. You see how this works? DOCTOR: But what are you doing here? Where's Amelia? OFFICER: Amelia Pond? DOCTOR: Yeah. Little Scottish girl. Where is she? I promised her five minutes but the engines were phasing. I suppose I must have gone a bit far. Has something happened to her? OFFICER: Amelia Pond hasn't lived here in a long time. DOCTOR: How long? OFFICER: Six months. DOCTOR: No, no, no! I can't be six months late! I said five minutes. I promised. (sniffs) The OFFICER walks away, reaching for her radio. DOCTOR: What happened to her? What happened to Amelia Pond? OFFICER: (into radio) Sarge, it's me again. Hurry it up, this guy knows something about Amelia Pond. The DOCTOR'S gaze goes past the OFFICER to that same door from his last visit. INT. DAY, WARD DR RAMSDEN is examining the first patient to speak. Pictures of the man and his dog are on the nightstand. DR RAMSDEN: I don't think they were even conscious. NURSE: Dr Ramsden, there is another sort of, um, funny thing. DR RAMSDEN: Yes, I know. Dr Carver told me about your conversation. We've been very patient with you, Rory. You're a good enough nurse, but for God's sake! RORY: I've seen them. DR RAMSDEN: These patients are under 24-hour supervision! We know if their blood-pressure changes. There's no possibility you'd have seen them wandering in the village! Why are you giving me your phone?! RORY: It's a camera too. (holds phone out) DR RAMSDEN: (reaches for phone then pager beeps. she takes it out) You need to take some time off, Rory. A lot of time off. Start now. (RORY tries to argue) Now! RORY nods and leaves. INT. HOUSE, HALL The DOCTOR is still sitting on the floor. DOCTOR: I need to speak to whoever lives in this house now. OFFICER: I live here. DOCTOR: But you're the police. OFFICER: Yes, and this is where I live. You got a problem with that?! DOCTOR: How many rooms? OFFICER: I'm sorry, what? DOCTOR: On this floor. How many rooms on this floor? Count them for me now. OFFICER: Why? DOCTOR: Because it will change your life. OFFICER: Five. (points) One, two, three, four, five. DOCTOR: Six. OFFICER: Six? DOCTOR: Look. OFFICER: Look where? DOCTOR: Exactly where you don't want to look. Where you never want to look, the corner of your eye. Look behind you. OFFICER: (slowly looks and sees the door) That's... That is not possible. How's that possible? DOCTOR: There's a perception filter round the door. Sensed it the last time I was here. Should've seen it. OFFICER: But that's a whole room. That's a whole room I've never even noticed. DOCTOR: The filter stops you. Something came a while ago to hide. It's still hiding. You need to uncuff me now! The OFFICER slowly begins to walk down the hall towards the room. OFFICER: I don't have the key. I lost it. DOCTOR: How can you have lost it?! Stay away from that door! (she keeps walking) Do not touch that door! (she puts her hand on the doorknob) Listen to me! Do not open that... (she turns the knob) Why does no-one ever listen to me? Do I just have a face that nobody listens to? (she slowly enters the room) Again...? (he frantically searches his pockets) My screwdriver, where is it? INT. HOUSE, MYSTERY ROOM The room is dusty. There are old boxes on the floor, the curtains are barely there and the walls have large spots of water damage. There is a table in the middle of the room. DOCTOR: (V.O.) Silver thing, blue at the end. Where did it go? OFFICER: There's nothing here DOCTOR: (V.O.) Whatever's there stopped you seeing the whole room. INT. HOUSE, HALL DOCTOR: What makes you think you could see it? INT. HOUSE, MYSTERY ROOM DOCTOR: (V.O.) Now, please, just get out! OFFICER: Silver, blue at the end? DOCTOR: (V.O.) My screwdriver, yeah. OFFICER: It's here. INT. HOUSE, HALL DOCTOR: Must have rolled under the door. INT. HOUSE, MYSTERY ROOM OFFICER: Yeah. Must have. (the screwdriver is on the table, covered in goo) And then it must have jumped up on the table... INT. HOUSE, HALL DOCTOR: Get out of there! INT. HOUSE, MYSTERY ROOM DOCTOR: (V.O.) Get out of there! The OFFICER goes to pick up the screwdriver DOCTOR: (V.O.) Get out! INT. HOUSE, HALL DOCTOR: Get out of there! (stretches as far as he can with the handcuffs) INT. HOUSE, MYSTERY ROOM The OFFICER backs away towards the window. Behind her, something alien and eel-like eases down from the roof. It is covered in goo and has a mouth full of sharp teeth. The OFFICER looks one way and then the other but can't see it DOCTOR: (V.O.) What is it? What are you doing? OFFICER: There's nothing here, but... INT. HOUSE, HALL DOCTOR: Corner of your eye. INT. HOUSE, MYSTERY ROOM OFFICER: What is it? DOCTOR: (V.O.) Don't try to see it. If it knows you've seen it, it will kill you. Don't look at it. (the creature seems to be toying with her) Do not... look. (she sees the creature) INT. HOUSE, HALL The DOCTOR hears the OFFICER scream. DOCTOR: Get out! The OFFICER runs out of the room and down the hall to the DOCTOR DOCTOR: Give me that! (takes the screwdriver and uses it on the door's lock before turning it to the handcuffs. It doesn't work) What's the bad alien done to you? OFFICER: Will that door hold it? DOCTOR: (sarcastic) Oh, yeah, yeah, course! It's an inter-dimensional multi-form from outer-space - they're all terrified of wood. A bright light flashes around the edges of the door. OFFICER: What's that? What's it doing? DOCTOR: (wipes screwdriver with his finger) I don't know, getting dressed? Run. Just go. Your back-up's coming, I'll be fine. OFFICER: There is no back-up. DOCTOR: (looks up, surprised) I heard you on the radio, you called for back-up. OFFICER: I was pretending. It's a pretend radio. DOCTOR: You're a policewoman. OFFICER: I'm a kissogram! (she removes her hat and her ginger hair falls free) At that moment, the door to the mystery room falls into the hallway to show a man in blue coveralls holding the lead to a large Rottweiler. It is the same man in a coma in hospital. He walks forward into the hall. WOMAN: But it's just... DOCTOR: No, it isn't. Look at the faces. The MAN growls and barks while the dog remains impassive. WOMAN: What? I'm sorry, but what? (looks down at the DOCTOR) DOCTOR: It's all one creature. One creature disguised as two. (MAN and dog turn heads in unison) Clever old multi-form. A bit of a rush job, though. Got the voice a bit muddled, did you? (they're now looking straight at the DOCTOR) Mind you, where did you get the pattern from? You'd need a psychic link, a live feed. How did you fix that? (It snarls) INT. DAY, WARD The male coma patient twitches in his bed and we hear the snarl echoing. INT. HOUSE, HALL The multi-form advances on the DOCTOR and the WOMAN and opens his mouth showing the same teeth as in its previous form. DOCTOR: Stay, boy! (the creature halts its advance) Her and me, we're safe. Want to know why? She sent for back-up. WOMAN: (to DOCTOR) I didn't send for back-up! DOCTOR: (to WOMAN) I know, that was a clever lie to save our lives. (to CREATURE) OK, yeah, NO back-up! And that's why we're safe. Alone, we're not a threat to you. If we HAD back-up, then you'd have to kill us! VOICE: Attention, Prisoner Zero. The human residence is surrounded. Attention Prisoner Zero. 'The human residence is surrounded. WOMAN: (to DOCTOR) What's that? DOCTOR: (to WOMAN) That would be back-up. (to CREATURE) OK, one more time. We do have back-up and that's definitely why we're safe. VOICE: Prisoner Zero will vacate the human residence or the human residence will be incinerated. DOCTOR: Well, safe apart from, you know, incineration. The CREATURE turns into one of the other rooms off the hall. As the VOICE repeats its warning, the DOCTOR bangs the screwdriver on the floor in an attempt to get it to work. DOCTOR: Work, work, work. C'mon. EXT. HOUSE, DAY The CREATURE looks out a window. INT. HOUSE, HALL The DOCTOR continues to bang the screwdriver until it works. He uses it on the handcuffs. It unlocks. DOCTOR: (to WOMAN) Run. (stands) Run! (pushes her and follows her down the stairs) EXT. HOUSE, DAY The DOCTOR and the WOMAN run outside and the DOCTOR uses the screwdriver on the door. DOCTOR: Kissogram? WOMAN: Yes! DOCTOR: Why'd you pretend to be a policewoman? WOMAN: You broke into my house! It was this or a French maid! (follows DOCTOR) What's going on? Tell me! Tell me! DOCTOR: (outside the TARDIS) An alien convict is hiding in your spare room disguised as a man and a dog, and some other aliens are about to incinerate your house. Any questions? WOMAN: Yes. DOCTOR: Me too. (the key to the TARDIS won't work) No, no, don't do that, not now! It's still rebuilding, not letting us in! VOICE: Prisoner Zero will vacate the human residence or the human residence will be incinerated. The CREATURE, still in the form of the man and dog, watches from the window, barking at them. WOMAN: (grabs the DOCTOR by the arm) Come on. DOCTOR: (resists) No, wait, hang on, wait, wait, wait. The shed. (runs to garden shed) I destroyed that shed last time I was here, smashed it to pieces. WOMAN: So there's a new one. Let's go. DOCTOR: But the new one's got old. It's ten years old at least. (sniffs wood before rubbing his finger along the wood and tasting it) 12 years. I'm not six months late, I'm 12 years late. (walks towards WOMAN) WOMAN: He's coming. DOCTOR: You said six months. Why did you say six months? WOMAN: We've got to go. DOCTOR: This matters. This is important. Why did you say six months? WOMAN: (hurt) Why did you say five minutes?! DOCTOR: What? WOMAN: Come on. DOCTOR: What? WOMAN: Come on! (she pulls him by the arm) DOCTOR: What? VOICE: Prisoner Zero will vacate the human residence or the human residence will be incinerated. They run out of the back garden past the CREATURE who is standing at the door. EXT. VILLAGE ROAD, DAY DOCTOR: (stops and faces her) You're Amelia. AMELIA: (keeps walking) You're late. DOCTOR: Amelia Pond, you're the little girl. AMELIA: I'm Amelia and you're late. DOCTOR: What happened? AMELIA: 12 years. DOCTOR: You hit me with a cricket bat. AMELIA: 12 years. DOCTOR: A cricket bat. AMELIA: 12 years and four psychiatrists. DOCTOR: Four? AMELIA: I kept biting them. DOCTOR: Why? AMELIA: They said you weren't real. VOICE: (over the speakers of an ice cream van) Prisoner Zero will vacate the human residence or the human residence will be incinerated. AMELIA: No, no, no, come on... What? We're being staked out by an ice-cream van? The DOCTOR heads for the van followed by AMELIA DOCTOR: What's that? Why are you playing that? VENDOR: It's supposed to be Claire De Lune. The DOCTOR picks up the player and listens. VOICE: Prisoner Zero will vacate the human residence or the human residence will be incinerated. Repeat, Prisoner Zero will vacate the human residence or the human residence will be incinerated. (repeats) The DOCTOR steps away from the van and sees a jogger with a MP3 player receiving the message as well as a woman hearing it over her mobile. AMELIA: Doctor, what's happening? The DOCTOR leaps over a low white fence into a pretty front garden. AMELIA runs around to the front. INT. HOUSE, DAY A large blue eye fills the TV screen. A WOMAN uses the remote to change the channel but they all show the same thing and say the same thing. The DOCTOR enters the front door closely followed by AMELIA. DOCTOR: Hello! Sorry to burst in, we're doing a special on television faults in this area. (remembers AMELIA'S costume) Also, crimes. Let's have a look. (takes remote from her) WOMAN: I was just about to phone. It's on every channel. (sees AMELIA) Hello, Amy, dear. Are you a policewoman now? AMELIA: Well, sometimes. WOMAN: I thought you were a nurse. AMELIA: I can be a nurse. WOMAN: Or, actually, a nun. AMELIA: I dabble. WOMAN: Amy, who is your friend? DOCTOR: Who's Amy? You were Amelia. AMY: Yeah, now I'm Amy. DOCTOR: Amelia Pond - that was a great name. AMY: Bit fairy tale. WOMAN: I know you, don't I? I've seen you somewhere before. DOCTOR: Not me. Brand-new face... (makes a face) First time on. (to AMY) And what sort of job's a kissogram? AMY: I go to parties and I kiss people. (clears throat) With outfits. It's a laugh. DOCTOR: You were a little girl five minutes ago. AMY: You're worse than my aunt. DOCTOR: I'm the Doctor, I'm worse than everybody's aunt. (to WOMAN) And that is not how I'm introducing myself. The DOCTOR picks up a radio and uses the sonic screwdriver on it. We hear the same message about Prisoner Zero in French and German before it turns it off. DOCTOR: OK, so it's everywhere, in every language. They're broadcasting to the whole world. (opens window and looks up) AMY: What's up there? What are you looking for? The sky is a clear blue with a few white clouds. DOCTOR: (back inside) OK, planet this size, two poles, your basic molten core... They're going to need a 40% fission blast. (a young man enters and the DOCTOR walks up to him) But they'll have to power up first, won't they? So assuming a medium-sized starship, that's 20 minutes. (the man is tall and the DOCTOR stands first on tip-toe and then back down) What do you think, 20 minutes? Yeah, 20 minutes. We've got 20 minutes. AMY: 20 minutes to what? MAN: Are you the Doctor? WOMAN: He is, isn't he? He's the Doctor! The Raggedy Doctor. All those cartoons you did when you were little. The Raggedy Doctor, it's him. AMY: (softly) I know. DOCTOR: (bemused) Cartoons? (sits on couch) MAN: Gran, it's him, isn't it? It's really him! AMY: Jeff, shut up! (to DOCTOR) 20 minutes to what? The "eye" is still on the TV, broadcasting its warning. DOCTOR: The human residence. They're not talking about your house, they're talking about the planet. Somewhere up there, there's a spaceship and it's going to incinerate the planet. 20 minutes to the end of the world. SPACE A group of star-shaped spaceships are in orbit above the Earth. Underneath the flagship is a blue eye. The warning repeats. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. VILLAGE ROAD, DAY A young boy runs down the road with a toy helicopter. The DOCTOR and AMY are walking fast in the opposite direction. DOCTOR: What is this place? Where am I? AMY: Leadworth. DOCTOR: Where's the rest of it? AMY: This is it. DOCTOR: Is there an airport? AMY: No. DOCTOR: A nuclear power station? AMY: No. DOCTOR: Even a little one? AMY: No. DOCTOR: Nearest city? AMY: Gloucester, half an hour by car. DOCTOR: We don't have half an hour. Do we have a car? AMY: No. DOCTOR: Well, that's good! Fantastic, that is. 20 minutes to save the world and I've got a post office. And it's shut! WHAT is that? AMY: It's a duck pond. (follows the DOCTOR to a small pond) DOCTOR: Why aren't there any ducks? AMY: I don't know. There's never any ducks. DOCTOR: Then how do you know it's a duck pond? AMY: It just is. Is it important, the duck pond? DOCTOR: (has another regeneration tremor) I don't know. Why would I know? (sits on the ground, clutching his chest) I'm not ready, I'm not done yet. The sky darkens and they both look up. AMY: What's happening? Why's it going dark? The sun appears grey and flickering before returning to close to normal. AMY: So what's wrong with the sun? DOCTOR: Nothing. You're looking at it through a force-field. They've sealed off your upper atmosphere, now they're getting ready to boil the planet. (stands and looks at the green where the villagers are taking photos of the sun) Oh, and here they come, the human race. The end comes, as it was always going to - down a video phone! AMY: This isn't real, is it? This is some kind of big wind-up. DOCTOR: Why would I wind you up? AMY: You told me you had a time machine. DOCTOR: And you believed me. AMY: Then I grew up. DOCTOR: (groans) Oh, you never want to do that. No, hang on, shut up, wait! I missed it. (smacks forehead) I saw it and I missed it. (smack) What did I see? (close-up on the DOCTOR'S eye) I saw... What did I see? He replays everything he saw like stop-motion photography, from the chain fence, people taking photos, a woman in the phone box and then RORY, the nurse from the hospital who is facing away from the sun, taking a photo. The MULTI-FORM is there. The DOCTOR then "sees" the ID tag from the hospital. We zoom back out from the DOCTOR'S eye and he looks at RORY normally before looking at a clock. DOCTOR: (to AMY) 20 minutes. I can do it. 20 minutes, the planet burns. Run to your loved ones and say goodbye, or stay and help me. AMY: No. DOCTOR: I'm sorry? AMY: No! (grabs him by the tie) DOCTOR: Amy! No! No! What are you doing? Amy pushes him against a car as the driver steps out. She slams his tie into the door and locks the car with the remote. DOCTOR: Are you out of your mind? AMY: Who are you? DOCTOR: You know who I am. AMY: No, really, who are you? DOCTOR: Look at the sky! End of the world, 20 minutes. AMY: Better talk quickly, then! DRIVER: Amy, I am going to need my car back. AMY: Yes, in a bit. Now go and have coffee. DRIVER: Right, yes. (leaves) DOCTOR: (reaches into pocket and tosses the apple to her) Catch. (holding it in her hand, AMY sees the smiley face) I'm the Doctor. I'm a time traveller. Everything I told you 12 years ago is true. I'm real. What's happening in the sky is real, and if you don't let me go now, everything you've ever known is over. AMY: I don't believe you. DOCTOR: (grips her wrist) Just 20 minutes. Just believe me for 20 minutes. Look at it. Fresh as the day you gave it to me. And you know it's the same one. (she looks at the apple and then back at him) Amy, believe for 20 minutes. AMY: (unlocks the car) What do we do? DOCTOR: Stop that nurse! (runs onto the green and takes RORY'S phone) The sun's going out, and you're photographing a man and a dog. Why? RORY: Amy? AMY: Hi! Oh, this is Rory, he's a... friend. RORY: Boyfriend. AMY: Kind of boyfriend. RORY: Amy! DOCTOR: Man and dog, why? RORY: Oh, my God, it's him. AMY: Just answer his question, please. RORY: It's him, though. The doctor. The Raggedy Doctor. AMY: Yeah, he came back. RORY: But he was a story. He was a game. DOCTOR: (grabs RORY by the shirt) Man and dog - why? Tell me now. RORY: Sorry. Because he can't be there. Because he's... RORY and DOCTOR: (in unison) in a hospital, in a coma. RORY: Yeah. DOCTOR: Knew it. Multi-form, you see? (lets go of his shirt) Disguise itself as anything, but it needs a live feed, a psychic link with a living but dormant mind. The MULTIFORM snaps and snarls. The DOCTOR walks closer. DOCTOR: Prisoner Zero. RORY: What, there's a Prisoner Zero too? AMY: Yes. There is an electrical buzzing and they look up to see a spaceship fly over the green. The eye begins to swivel back and forth. DOCTOR: (slips screwdriver from pocket) See, that ship up there is scanning this area for non-terrestrial technology. And nothing says non-terrestrial like a sonic screwdriver. (holds it above his head and turns it on) There is chaos as streetlights shatter, car alarms blare, sirens wail and everyone begins shouting. A fire truck drives away on its own, chased by the firemen. DOCTOR: I think someone's going to notice, don't you? PRISONER ZERO barks. The DOCTOR lowers the screwdriver, aiming it at the phone box, which explodes. The screwdriver itself then sparks and fizzles, causing the DOCTOR to drop it on the ground. DOCTOR: No, no, no, don't do that! The ship heads away. RORY: Look, it's going. DOCTOR: No, come back, he's here! Come back! He's here, Prisoner Zero is here. Come back, he's here! Prisoner Zero is... PRISONER ZERO turns into a "mist" and escapes down the drain. AMY: Doctor! The drain. It just sort of melted and went down the drain. DOCTOR: Well, of course it did. AMY: What do we do now? DOCTOR: It's hiding in human form. We need to drive it into the open. No TARDIS, no screwdriver, 17 minutes. Come on, think. Think! INT. DAY, WARD The man on whom PRISONER ZERO has based his form is still tremoring. DR RAMSDEN: Barney? Barney... Barney? Can you hear me, Barney? Barney? Barney? PRISONER ZERO in its true form appears through the vent over Barney's bed. EXT. VILLAGE GREEN, DAY The DOCTOR, AMY, and RORY are standing above the drain. AMY: So that thing, THAT hid in my house for 12 years? DOCTOR: Multi-forms can live for millennia. 12 years is a pit-stop. AMY: So how come you show up again on the same day that lot do? The same minute? DOCTOR: They're looking for him, but followed me. They saw me through the crack, got a fix. They're only late cos I am. RORY: What's he on about? DOCTOR: Now, sport, give me your phone. RORY: How can he be real? He was never real. DOCTOR: Phone, now, give me! RORY: (gives DOCTOR the phone) He was just a game. We were kids. You made me dress up as him. DOCTOR: (looks at photos) These are all coma patients? RORY: Yeah. DOCTOR: No, they're all the multi-form. Eight comas, eight disguises for Prisoner Zero. AMY: He had a dog, though. There's a dog in a coma? DOCTOR: The coma patient dreams he's walking a dog, Prisoner Zero gets a dog. Laptop! Your friend, what was his name? Not him, the good-looking one. RORY: Thanks. AMY: Jeff. RORY: Oh, thanks. DOCTOR: He had a laptop in his bag, a laptop. Big bag, big laptop, I need Jeff's laptop. You two, get to the hospital, get everyone out, clear the whole floor. Phone me when you're done. (runs off) AMY: Your car, come on. RORY: But how can he be here? How can the Doctor be here? They drive off in RORY'S Mini while the DOCTOR enters JEFF'S home. INT. JEFF'S ROOM, DAY The DOCTOR enters JEFF'S bedroom where JEFF is lying on his bed using his laptop. DOCTOR: Hello. Laptop, give me! (grabs it) JEFF: (refusing to let go) No, no, no, no, wait, hang on! DOCTOR: It's fine, give it here. (takes laptop and sits at the bottom of the bed) Blimey! Get a girlfriend, Jeff. The door opens and GRAN enters. JEFF: Gran. GRAN: What are you doing? DOCTOR: The sun's gone wibbly, so right now, somewhere out there, there's going to be a big video conference call. (keeps typing) All the experts in the world panicking at once, and do you know what they need? Me. Ah, and here they all are. All the big boys. NASA, Jodrell Bank, Tokyo Space Centre, Patrick Moore. GRAN: Ooh, I like Patrick Moore. DOCTOR: I'll get you his number, but watch him, he's a devil. JEFF: You can't just hack in on a call like that. DOCTOR: Can't I? (holds psychic paper to the webcam) EXPERT: Who are you? This is a secure call. What are you doing? DOCTOR: Hello. I know, you should switch me off. But before you do, watch this. EXPERT #2: It's here too, I'm getting it. DOCTOR: Fermat's Theorem, the proof, and I mean the real one, never seen before. Poor old Fermat, got killed in a duel before he could write it down. My fault, I slept in. Oh, and here's an oldie but a goodie - why electrons have mass. And a personal favourite of mine, faster-than-light travel with two diagrams and a joke. Look at your screens. Whoever I am, I'm a genius. Look at the sun. You need all the help you can get. Fellas, pay attention. EXT. VILLAGE ROAD, DAY AMY and RORY speed along to the hospital and run inside. INT. JEFF'S ROOM, DAY The DOCTOR is typing something on the mobile. EXPERT: Sir, what are you doing? DOCTOR: I'm writing a computer virus. Very clever, super-fast, and a tiny bit alive, but don't let on. Why am I writing it on a phone? Never mind, you'll find out. OK, I'm sending this to all your computers. Get everyone who works for you sending this everywhere. Email, text, Facebook, Bebo, Twitter, radar dish - whatever you've got. Any questions? PATRICK MOORE: Who was your lady friend? DOCTOR: Patrick, behave! EXPERT: What does this virus do? DOCTOR: It's a reset command, that's all. It resets counters, it gets in the wifi and resets every counter it can find. Clocks, calendars, anything with a chip will default at zero at exactly the same time. But, yeah, I could be lying, why should you trust me? I'll let my best man explain. (silence) Jeff, you're my best man. JEFF: Your what? DOCTOR: (closes laptop partway) Listen to me. In ten minutes, you're going to be a legend. In ten minutes, everyone on that screen is going to be offering you any job you want. But first, you have to be magnificent. You have to make them trust you and get them working. This is it, Jeff. Right here, right now. This is when you fly. Today's the day you save the world. JEFF: Why me? DOCTOR: It's your bedroom. Now go, go, go. (leaves) JEFF: (opens laptop) OK, guys, let's do this. (starts typing) DOCTOR: (re-enters) Oh, and delete your internet history. (leaves again) EXT. HOUSE, DAY The DOCTOR runs out of JEFF'S house, looks around then runs off. INT. HOSPITAL, DAY RORY is talking with other nurses while AMY is on her mobile. RORY rejoins her. RORY: Something's happened up there, we can't get through. AMY: (redials in frustration) Yes, but what's happened? RORY: I don't know. No-one knows. Phone him. AMY: I'm phoning him. Doctor? We're at the hospital, but we can't get through. Oh! RORY: What did he say? AMY: Look in the mirror. (turns to see reflection) Ha-ha! Uniform! (puts her hair up) Are you on your way? You're going to need a car. EXT. VILLAGE ROAD, DAY DOCTOR: (driving) Don't worry. I've commandeered a vehicle. (turns on fire engine siren as he drives) INT. HOSPITAL, DAY RORY and AMY get out of the lift and see the corridors are a mess; gurneys and tables overturned, scrubs and utensils litter the floor. A WOMAN holding the hands of her two daughters sees them. WOMAN: Officer. AMY: What happened? WOMAN: There was a man. A man with a dog. I think Dr Ramsden's dead. And the nurses. AMY phones the DOCTOR EXT. VILLAGE ROAD, DAY DOCTOR: (into phone) Are you in? AMY: (over phone) Yep. INT. HOSPITAL, DAY AMY: But so's Prisoner Zero. EXT. VILLAGE ROAD, DAY DOCTOR: You need to get out of there. INT. HOSPITAL, DAY RORY turns from AMY to the WOMAN as she speaks again and notices it is one of the girls. DAUGHTER #1: He was so angry. He kept shouting. And that dog, the size of that dog, I swear it was rabid. (AMY and RORY back away) And he just went mad, attacking everyone. Where did he go, did you see? Has he gone? We hid in the ladies. WOMAN/ZERO:: Oh, I'm getting it wrong again, aren't I? I'm always doing that. So many mouths. (opens mouth to reveal teeth so do girls) RORY: Oh, my God! EXT. VILLAGE ROAD, DAY DOCTOR: Amy? Amy, what's happening? INT. HOSPITAL, DAY RORY and AMY run down the corridor into one of the wards. They close the doors and slide a broom through the handles. EXT. VILLAGE ROAD, DAY DOCTOR: Amy, talk to me! INT. COMA WARD, DAY AMY and RORY back away from the doors to the centre of the ward. AMY: We're in the coma ward. But it's here, it's getting in. DOCTOR: (over phone) Which window are you? AMY: What, sorry? EXT. VILLAGE ROAD, DAY DOCTOR: Which window? INT. COMA WARD, DAY AMY: First floor on the left, fourth from the end. PRISONER ZERO breaks through. WOMAN/ZERO:: Oh, dear. Little Amelia Pond. I've watched you grow up. 12 years, and you never even knew I was there. Little Amelia Pond, waiting for her magic Doctor to return, but not this time, Amelia. (opens mouth) AMY'S mobile beeps showing a text message from the DOCTOR: "Duck!" AMY hears the wail of the siren and pushes RORY down just as the ladder from the fire engine breaks through the window. The DOCTOR climbs up the ladder and joins AMY and RORY. DOCTOR: Right! Hello! Am I late? No, three minutes to go. So still time. WOMAN/ZERO: Time for what, Time Lord? DOCTOR: Take the disguise off. They'll find you in a heartbeat. Nobody dies. WOMAN/ZERO: The Atraxi will kill me this time. If I am to die, let there be fire. DOCTOR: OK. You came to this world by opening a crack in space and time. Do it again - just leave. WOMAN/ZERO: I did not open the crack. DOCTOR: Somebody did. WOMAN/ZERO: The cracks in the skin of the universe - don't you know where they came from? You don't, do you? (in DAUGHTER'S voice) The Doctor in the TARDIS doesn't know. (sing-song) Doesn't know, doesn't know! (normal voice) The universe is cracked. The Pandorica will open. Silence will fall. There is a clicking sound. DOCTOR: (looking up at wall) And we're off! Look at that. (points) Look at that! (clock now reads "0:00") Yeah, I know, just a clock, whatever. But do you know what's happening right now? INT. JEFF'S ROOM, DAY JEFF is typing away on his laptop. DOCTOR: (V.O.) In one little bedroom, my team are working. Jeff and the world. And do you know what they're doing? (close-up on laptop shows NYSE reading all zeros) They're spreading the word all over the world, quantum fast. (Zeroes are appearing all over Tokyo, Picadilly Circus and Times Square) The word is out. INT. COMA WARD, DAY DOCTOR: And do you know what the word is? The word is zero. Now, me, if I was up in the sky in a battleship, monitoring all Earth communications, I'd take that as a hint. And if I had a whole battle fleet surrounding the planet, I'd be able track a simple old computer virus to its source in, what, under a minute? (takes mobile from pocket) The source, by the way, is right here. (a bright light shines through the windows) Oh! And I think they just found us! EXT. HOSPITAL, DAY The ship shines its light/scanner into the hospital. INT. COMA WARD, DAY WOMAN/ZERO: The Atraxi are limited. While I'm in this form, they'll still be unable to detect me. They've tracked a phone, not me. DOCTOR: Yeah, but this is the good bit. I mean, this is my favourite bit. Do you know what this phone is full of? Pictures of you. Every form you've learned to take, right here. Oh, and being uploaded about now. And the final score is - no TARDIS, no screwdriver - two minutes to spare. (holds arms out, successful) Who da man? (greeted by silence) Oh, I'm never saying that again! Fine. WOMAN/ZERO: Then I shall take a new form. DOCTOR: Oh, stop it, you know you can't. Takes months to form that kind of psychic link. WOMAN/ZERO: And I've had years. (form glows) AMY falls to the floor and the DOCTOR rushes over to her. DOCTOR: No! Amy? EXT. HOSPITAL, DAY The ship scans frantically. INT. COMA WARD, DAY DOCTOR: (puts hands to AMY'S face) You've got to hold on. Amy! Don't sleep! You've got to stay awake, please. RORY: (looks at ZERO) Doctor? DOCTOR: (looks to see ZERO has taken his form) Well, that's rubbish. Who's that supposed to be? RORY: It's you. DOCTOR: Me? Is that what I look like? RORY: You don't know? DOCTOR: Busy day. (stands) Why me, though? (faces ZERO) You're linked with her. Why are you copying me? AMELIA/ZERO: I'm not. Poor Amy Pond. Still such a child inside. Dreaming of the magic Doctor she knows will return to save her. What a disappointment you've been. DOCTOR: No, she's dreaming about me cos she can hear me. (runs back to AMY) Amy, don't just hear me, listen. Remember the room, the room in your house you couldn't see? Remember you went inside. I tried to stop, but you did. (flashes of that moment) You went in the room. You went inside. (more flashes) Amy...dream about what you saw. AMY remembers what she saw. AMELIA/ZERO: No... no... No! (glows and transforms) DOCTOR: (faces it) Well done, Prisoner Zero. A perfect impersonation of yourself. PRISONER ZERO is caught in the light and writhes. VOICE: Prisoner Zero is located. Prisoner Zero is restrained. ZERO: Silence, Doctor. Silence will fall. (disappears) There is a whoosh of air as the ship leaves. The DOCTOR runs to the window. Dials mobile. RORY: The sun - it's back to normal, right? That's... That's good, yeah? That means it's over. (AMY wakes) Amy? Are you OK? Are you with us? AMY: What happened? DOCTOR: He did it. The Doctor did it. DOCTOR: No, I didn't. RORY: What are you doing? DOCTOR: Tracking the signal back. Sorry, in advance. RORY: About what? DOCTOR: The bill. (into phone) Oi, I didn't say you could go! Article 57 of the Shadow Proclamation. This is a fully established, level 5 planet, and you were going to burn it? What...? Did you think no-one was watching? You lot, back here. Now! (tosses phone back to RORY) OK. Now I've done it. (leaves ward and AMY follows) RORY: Did he just bring them back? Did he just save the world from aliens and then bring all the aliens back again? The DOCTOR strides down the corridor, determined. AMY and RORY follow. AMY: Where are you going? DOCTOR: The roof. No, hang on. (enters room) INT. CHANGING ROOM, DAY The DOCTOR begins to sift through clothes, tossing away what doesn't appeal. AMY: What's in here? DOCTOR: I'm saving the world - I need a decent shirt. To hell with the raggedy. Time to put on a show! RORY: You just summoned aliens back to Earth. Actual aliens, (DOCTOR strips off old clothes) deadly aliens, aliens of death, and now you're taking your clothes off... Amy, he's taking his clothes off. (AMY is watching appreciatively) DOCTOR: Turn your back if it embarrasses you. RORY: Are you stealing clothes now? Those clothes belong to people, you know. (turns back) Are you not you going to turn your back? AMY: Nope. EXT. HOSPITAL ROOF, DAY The DOCTOR is now wearing a long-sleeved shirt, trousers with braces and a number of ties are draped around his neck. He strides to where the Atraxi ship is waiting. AMY and RORY stand back a bit. AMY: So this was a good idea, was it? They were leaving. DOCTOR: Leaving is good. Never coming back is better. Come on, then! The Doctor will see you now. The "eye" disconnects from the ship and scans the DOCTOR. ATRAXI: You are not of this world. DOCTOR: No, but I've put a lot of work into it. (examines tie) I don't know. What do you think? ATRAXI: Is this world important? DOCTOR: Important? What's that mean, important? (tosses tie and RORY catches it) 6 billion people live here - is that important? Here's a better question. Is this world a threat to the Atraxi? (throws another tie that lands on AMY'S shoulder, she gives it to RORY) Well, come on. You're monitoring the whole planet. IS this world a threat? The ATRAXI projects a hologram of the Earth with scenes from history. ATRAXI: No. DOCTOR: Are the peoples of this world guilty of any crime by the laws of the Atraxi? ATRAXI: No. DOCTOR: OK. One more. Just one. Is this world protected? Because you're not the first lot to come here. (As the DOCTOR speaks, the projection shows Cybermen and Daleks, the Queen of the Racnoss, Ood, Sycorax, a Sontaran, a Sea Devil, Reapers, the Hath and the Vashta Nerada in the spacesuit) Oh, there have been so many! And what you've got to ask is... what happened to them? (the projection now goes from the first incarnation through the tenth before he walks through it) Hello. I'm the Doctor. Basically... run! The ATRAXI ship departs. AMY laughs. The DOCTOR feels something in his pocket. He reaches in and pulls out the TARDIS key and it's glowing. AMY: Is that it? Is that them gone for good? Who were they? (She looks down from the sky to see the DOCTOR is gone) EXT. HOSPITAL, DAY The DOCTOR runs out the front door of the hospital and across the lawn. EXT. HOUSE, DAY The DOCTOR returns to AMY'S back garden and the TARDIS. The TARDIS has refurbished its exterior. He stops in front of it. DOCTOR: OK! What have you got for me this time? (He opens the door and stands amazed.) Look at you! (smiles) Oh, you sexy thing! Look at you! AMY and RORY run up just as the TARDIS dematerializes. AMY closes her eyes, remembering when she was little, how she waited all night. She hears the TARDIS and smiles. INT. HOUSE, AMY'S BEDROOM, NIGHT AMY wakes when she hears the TARDIS. She jumps out of bed and runs to the window where she sees the TARDIS once again in the back garden. EXT. NIGHT, BACK GARDEN AMY exits the back door now in a robe and slippers. The DOCTOR is standing outside the TARDIS. DOCTOR: Sorry about running off earlier. Brand-new TARDIS - bit exciting. Just had a quick hop to the moon and back to run her in. She's ready for the big stuff now. AMY: It's you. You came back. DOCTOR: Course I came back. I always come back. Something wrong with that? AMY: And you kept the clothes. DOCTOR: Well, I just saved the world, the whole planet, for about the millionth time, no charge. Yeah, shoot me! I kept the clothes. AMY: Including the bow tie. DOCTOR: Yeah, it's cool. Bow ties are cool. AMY: Are you from another planet? DOCTOR: Yeah. AMY: OK... DOCTOR: So what do you think? AMY: Of what? DOCTOR: Other planets. Want to check some out? AMY: What does that mean? DOCTOR: It means... Well, it means... come with me. AMY: Where? DOCTOR: Wherever you like. AMY: All that stuff, the hospital, the spaceships, Prisoner Zero... DOCTOR: Oh, don't worry. That's just the beginning. There's loads more. AMY: Yeah, but those things, amazing things, all that stuff... (angry) That was two years ago! DOCTOR: Oh-oh! Oops. AMY: Yeah. DOCTOR: So that's... AMY: 14 years! DOCTOR: 14 years since fish custard. Amy Pond, the girl who waited, you've waited long enough. AMY: When I was a kid, you said there was a swimming pool and a library, and the swimming pool was IN the library. DOCTOR: Yeah. Not sure where it's got to now. It'll turn up. So... coming? AMY: No! DOCTOR: You wanted to come 14 years ago. AMY: I grew up. DOCTOR: Don't worry. I'll soon fix that. The DOCTOR snaps his fingers and the door to the TARDIS opens, bathing AMY in a warm orange glow. Overwhelmed, she enters. DOCTOR: Well...? Anything you want to say? Any passing remarks? I've heard them all. The TARDIS is more metal now, less organic-looking. The center column is on a floor that allows one to see underneath. There are also stairs leading to other levels and doors. AMY: I'm in my nightie. DOCTOR: Oh, don't worry. Plenty of clothes in the wardrobe. AND possibly a swimming pool. So... all of time and space, everything that ever happened or ever will... Where do you want to start? AMY: You are so sure that I'm coming. DOCTOR: Yeah, I am. AMY: Why? DOCTOR: Cos you're the Scottish girl in the English village, and I know how that feels. AMY: Oh, do you? DOCTOR: All these years living here most of your life... and you've still got that accent. Yeah, you're coming. AMY: Can you get me back for tomorrow morning? DOCTOR: It's a time machine. I can get you back five minutes ago. Why, what's tomorrow? AMY: Nothing. Nothing. Just... you know, stuff. DOCTOR: All right, then. Back in time for stuff. (a new screwdriver extends from the console's surface) Oh! A new one! (tests it) Lovely. (whispers) Thanks, dear. (sets the controls) AMY: Why me? DOCTOR: Why not? AMY: No, seriously. You are asking me to run away with you in the middle of the night. It's a fair question. Why me? DOCTOR: I don't know. Fun. Do I have to have a reason? AMY: People always have a reason. DOCTOR: Do I look like people? AMY: Yes. DOCTOR: Been knocking around on my own for a while - my choice - but I've started talking to myself. It's giving me earache. AMY: You're lonely. That's it? Just that? DOCTOR: Just that. Promise. (on a monitor behind him is a line that seems to mimic the crack from her bedroom) AMY: OK. DOCTOR: (switches off monitor) So, are you OK, then? Cos this place, sometimes it can make people feel a bit... you know. AMY: I'm fine. It's just... There's a whole world in here, just like you said. It's all true. I thought...well, I started to think that maybe you were just like a madman with a box. DOCTOR: Amy Pond, there's something you'd better understand. It's important, and one day your life may depend on it. I am definitely a madman with a box. Ha-ha! Yeah. (AMY laughs) Goodbye, Leadworth. Hello, everything! The DOCTOR hits the dematerialization switch and they both hold onto the console. EXT. NIGHT, BACK GARDEN The TARDIS dematerializes. INT. HOUSE, AMY'S BEDROOM, NIGHT The camera pans across a number of childhood crafts, each depicting either the DOCTOR or the TARDIS. We then see a wedding gown hanging outside the closet.	Plan: A: The failing TARDIS crash-lands; Q: What happens to the TARDIS in the episode "The Crack in the Wall"? A: England; Q: Where does the TARDIS crash land? A: seven-year-old; Q: How old was Amelia Pond when the TARDIS crashed outside her home? A: Amelia Pond; Q: Who is the seven-year-old girl who invites the Eleventh Doctor into her home? A: Caitlin Blackwood; Q: Who plays Amelia Pond? A: the newly- regenerated Eleventh Doctor; Q: Who does Amelia Pond invite to investigate a crack in her bedroom wall? A: Matt Smith; Q: Who is the Eleventh Doctor? A: the TARDIS; Q: What does the Doctor use to regulate its engines? A: five minutes; Q: How long does the Doctor promise to return to Amelia Pond? A: The TARDIS; Q: What takes the Eleventh Doctor twelve years into the future? A: ( Karen Gillan; Q: Who is Amy Pond? A: Rory Williams; Q: Who is Amy Pond's boyfriend? A: Arthur Darvill; Q: Who plays Rory Williams? A: Prisoner Zero; Q: What is the name of the shape-shifting alien that the Doctor and Amy Pond must capture? A: the destruction; Q: What will happen to Earth if Prisoner Zero is not captured? A: Atraxi; Q: What is the name of the galactic police force that threatens to destroy Earth if Prisoner Zero is not captured? A: the Earth; Q: What is saved after the Doctor tests the newly-remodeled TARDIS? A: the newly-remodelled TARDIS; Q: What does the Doctor test after saving the Earth? A: two years later; Q: How long after the Doctor's return does Amy Pond join him for his promised travels through space and time? A: her marriage; Q: What event is Amy Pond about to have when the Doctor accidentally returns for her? Summary: The failing TARDIS crash-lands in England outside the home of seven-year-old Amelia Pond ( Caitlin Blackwood ), who invites the newly- regenerated Eleventh Doctor ( Matt Smith ) inside to investigate a crack in her bedroom wall. Since he must use the TARDIS to regulate its engines, he promises to return in five minutes. The TARDIS takes him twelve years into the future, where he joins the adult Amy Pond ( Karen Gillan ) and her boyfriend Rory Williams ( Arthur Darvill ) in capturing the shape-shifting alien known as Prisoner Zero (who has escaped from the crack in Amy's wall). Failure to capture the alien will lead to the destruction of Earth by the galactic police force known as the Atraxi . After the Earth is saved, the Doctor tests the newly-remodelled TARDIS and accidentally returns for Amy two years later-the night before her marriage to Rory-when she joins him for his promised travels through space and time.
ACT ONE Scene One - Frasier's Apartment. [SCENE_BREAK] Frasier and Martin are coming in the front door. Martin: Ah, I still say when some guy grabs your parking space, you don't just sit there, you say something. Frasier: Dad, when a man has no front teeth and stitches on his nose, I think it's safe to assume he's sensitive to criticism. Martin: [picking up a box] What's this? Frasier: Oh, must be one of those inspirational tapes that Daphne's always listening to. [Daphne comes in from her room.] Oh, my God, "Here, Have a Rainbow," by Dr. Honey Snow. Daphne, how can you listen to this stuff ? It's absolute drivel. Daphne: Well, for someone who writes drivel, she's awfully popular. Frasier: Oh, really, fancy that. She tells everyone that they're perfectly wonderful and that nothing wrong is ever their fault. What do you know, they like it. Daphne: There's a lot more to it than that. You should try reading one of her books. The doorbell rings, Frasier goes to get it. Frasier: Yes, well I have. Believe me, after one page, I was yearning for the worldly cynicism of Barney the Dinosaur. He opens the door to reveal Niles. Frasier: Hello, Niles, to what do we owe this pleasure? Niles: Brace yourselves kids, it's raffle time! Frasier: Oh, God. Martin: Not again. Niles: 'Fraid so. [notices tape] Oh ye gods, who's been plumbing the shallows of Dr. Honey Snow? Daphne: I have. Niles: Insightful, isn't she? [Daphne is not amused.] Anyway, tickets are only ten dollars, it all goes to support Maris's little opera group. Frasier: Dear God, what is the grand prize this year? Niles: Their lead soprano, Mrs. Fitzgibbons, will come to your home and perform "The Ride of the Valkyries." [off their looks] We've sold eight hundred tickets, so the risk is pretty minimal. Frasier: All right. Niles: In return, let me offer you a hot stock tip: VectorComp Software. Wendel assures me they can't miss. Martin: Who's Wendel? Niles: My new broker. Every stock he's put me onto has paid off. The man is positively clairvoyant. Daphne: You know, I've got a bit tucked away. Maybe I ought to take a little chance with your Wendel. Niles: I should warn you, it's not a sure thing. Daphne: Oh, nothing in life is a sure thing, but Dr. Snow has a little saying: Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Frasier: She'd better copyright that before some unscrupulous hack steals it. Daphne: I'll go in for five hundred. That's a lot for me, but I don't know; I have a little feeling I'm in for a bit of luck. All right, I better get ready. I'm off to the Book Nook. Dr. Snow is signing copies of her new best seller. Martin: Hey, wait a minute. You're going out? What about my whirlpool therapy? Daphne: Oh, right, I forgot. Maybe you could go to the book signing for me, Dr. Crane. It's right around the corner from the station. Frasier: I would sooner attend a hoe-down. Niles: I would gladly go, but I've got my compulsive spending seminar, and I'm hoping to unload the rest of these raffle tickets. Martin: What's the big deal? Frasier: I have my reputation to think of. Niles: What's the big deal? Frasier: All right, if it will make you all happy to see me humiliate myself. Martin: I always get a kick out of it. Daphne: Thanks ever so. Frasier: Yes, well... [noticing Eddie rolling around on the floor] Oh, look everyone! Eddie has found his inner puppy! Daphne glares at him, then walks off. [SCENE_BREAK] ARE THERE ANY MORE LIKE YOU AT THE INSTITUTE? Scene Two - The Book Nook [SCENE_BREAK] Roz and Frasier enter. Frasier: I promise this'll just take a minute. Roz: Well, I hope so, I barely got an hour for lunch. Oh, God, not another one of those Honey Snow books. Frasier: [reading the cover] "Don't Change, You're Perfect." Roz: Can you believe people go for this junk? Frasier: It's unbelievable. Here, get her autograph for me, will you? [Roz gives him a "What?!" look] She's sitting right behind those people over there. Just go get it signed and then we'll get out of here, go have a nice lunch at Le Cigare Volant. Roz: Me? Why don't you do it? Frasier: I have my reputation to think of! Roz: Oh, what's the big deal? [off his glare] All right. He picks up another copy and looks it over. A woman comes up. Woman: Oh, it's wonderful isn't it? I just love what she says about finding a moment each day to stop and give yourself a mental hug. Frasier: I'm giving myself one now. Woman: Really? Frasier: Well actually it's more of a Heimlich maneuver. Roz comes back. Roz: Got it. Frasier: Good, good. Let's buy it and get out of here. Roz: Nope, nope, not so fast. She wants to meet you. Frasier: Roz, I don't want to meet the woman, let's just go. Roz: Uh, Frasier, do you know what Honey Snow looks like? Frasier: What difference could that make? The woman stands for everything that I find totally... Dr. Honey Snow walks up. She is tall, blonde and buxom. Frasier: ...enchanting. Honey: Hello. I'm Dr. Honey Snow. Frasier: And I'm... wait, don't tell me, Dr. Frasier Crane. Honey: Well, Dr. Crane, let me shake your hand. Oh, what am I saying? Hug. Frasier: Why not? They hug. Honey: After all, a handshake is just a hug for fraidy-cats. Frasier: No fear here. Honey: I am one of your biggest fans Frasier: And I've recently become one of yours. Honey: I think the advice you give is so simple, yet so brilliant. Frasier: Well, what about those mental hugs of yours? It can't get much simpler than that. Roz: You know, I think I'll just go get started on my appetizer. Frasier: Oh, yes, you start without me. All I really want is a little nibble. Roz: Oh, tell me. Honey: You know, I really should get back to my signing, but I'd love to talk more. There seems to be such a positive energy between us. My publisher is giving me a dinner tonight at seven at Bianchi's. Would you come as my guest? Frasier: I'd love to. Honey: Well that's great. Frasier: Well it was nice meeting you, Dr. Snow. Honey: Oh, please, it's Honey. She goes back to the signing. Frasier: It certainly is... [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment [SCENE_BREAK] Martin is watching a horse race on television. Daphne opens the door for Niles. Daphne: Good evening, Dr. Crane. Niles: Good evening Daphne, Dad. Ooh, watching the sport of kings, I see. Which horse did you wager on? Martin: Joe's Dream, number eight. Niles: Goodness, he seems to be taking a serene, almost Buddhist approach to the race. Marin, disgusted, turns off the set. Niles: Perhaps you should have invested in something more reliable. Like VectorComp Software. Daphne: Our stock. Did it go up a bit? Niles: No, it went up a lot. Thanks to a takeover bid, it gained forty percent overnight. Wendel advised selling, so, voila, your original five hundred investment plus two hundred profit. [He gives her a check.] Daphne: Two hundred? Oh, Dr. Crane, I could kiss you! She kisses him on the cheek and hugs him tightly. Niles is stunned. Martin: Oh, that's a nice little dividend. Niles: [sitting down on the arm of the couch] I'll say. Daphne: You have to help me decide what to do with it. Niles: Well, you might want to consider letting Wendel reinvest it. That's what I'm doing. It's called "rolling it over." Frasier comes in. Daphne: Then I'll do it. Oh, this is so exciting! Frasier: What's all this? Daphne: [writing a check] Well, your brother just gave me two hundred dollars, and now he's going to roll me over. Niles freezes, torn between mortification and fantasy. Long silence. Frasier: Niles? Niles: Communications breakdown. Frasier: Good. Niles: What are you all dressed for. Hot date? Frasier: As a matter of fact, yes. Niles: With whom? Martin: [smugly] Dr. Honey Snow. Frasier: Did it ever occur to you that I might not want Niles to know who I'm dating? Martin: Sure it did. Right before I said it. Niles: You're dating Dr. Honey Snow? I thought you considered her a complete ninny. What could you possibly see in this- [Martin holds up the dust jacket photo] Whoa-hoh, mama! Martin: One hell of a cute shrink, huh? Not a man alive wouldn't let her analyze his dreams. Frasier: Analyze them? She could star in them. Niles: Yes, yes, but what on Earth do you say to her when she wants to discuss her work? Frasier: Well, I just simply skirt the issue. Niles: Of course. "Honey, I think your books are just - oh look! The waiter's on fire!" The doorbell rings, Frasier goes to get it. Frasier: You're just jealous. But not half as jealous as you're about to be. I suggest you get a coaster for your lower lip. He opens the door, it is Honey. Honey: Hi, honey. Frasier: Hi, Honey. Allow me to make the introductions. Daphne Moon, Honey Snow; Honey Snow, Daphne Moon. She's a big fan of yours. Both: Hug! [they hug] Daphne: We've both got sort of unusual names. Daphne Moon, Honey Snow. Come to think of it, if you married my father, your name would be Honey Moon. Frasier, exasperated, sort of shoos her away. Frasier: My father, Martin Crane. Honey: Oh, hello. Well it's easy to see where Frasier gets his good looks. Martin: Ah, get outta here. Frasier: And, last but not least, my brother Niles. Honey: Oh, Dr. Niles Crane. I read a wonderful article you wrote in the Journal of Psychiatric Medicine. Let's see: "Gestalt Therapy, Probing the Subconscious." Niles: Yes. And I believe I read your quiz in Cosmo: "Is Your Guy a Stud or a Dud?" Frasier: Perhaps we should be going. Honey: Well, actually, not yet. I have something I want to give you. Frasier: Oh? Honey: [handing him a box] It's a manuscript of my upcoming book. Frasier: Oh. Another one? So soon? Honey: I hope you like it, Frasier. Because if you do, I'd love for you to write the foreword. Frasier: Me? Niles: [taking the manuscript] Who better? Frasier: Well, actually there's so many other people that would be more qualified to write for such an important work. Honey: Well, if I didn't know better, I'd think you didn't want to do it. Frasier: Oh, no, no, no, no. It's a great honor. Daphne: I'll say. The last book had an introduction by Mickey Rooney. Martin: Wow. Frasier: Well there's no two ways about it, then. I'm writing that foreword. Honey: Oh, that's great. Daphne: Just think. By next fall there'll be half a million copies in print with your name right on the cover. Niles: I've got my Christmas shopping done! Frasier gives him a sour look as he leaves with Honey. [SCENE_BREAK] END OF ACT ONE [SCENE_BREAK] ACT TWO SHRINK RAP Scene One - Frasier's Apartment Frasier is typing on his laptop. Niles is reading Honey's manuscript, giggling uncontrollably. Frasier: Niles, will you please stop giggling? It's very distracting. Niles: I can't help it. Have you read this? Frasier: I'm trying to recommend the book. Reading it doesn't help. Okay, here, how's this: "Many great volumes have been written about human behavior. And I can honestly say, without fear of contradiction, that this book can stand on the shelf next to any of them." [off Niles's look] No good, is it? Niles: No, no but this is: [reading from the manuscript] "You don't have to be a star to twinkle." Frasier, I need a hug. Frasier: Oh, Niles, will you please help me? Honey asked me to write this foreword two weeks ago, she's got a deadline, she's been wondering where it is. Niles: "Time is a concept known only to one of God's creatures: man. Just for today, be a sunflower." [points to a paragraph in the manuscript and giggles] Frasier: Oh, give me that! Niles, you just don't understand what's at stake here. I've never felt this way about a woman before. I'm out of control. Her effect on me, it's, it's... there are no words to describe it, really, it's more like a sound... [He makes a growling noise.] Martin comes in with Eddie. Martin: Talkin' about Honey again? Frasier: Yes. Niles: Frankly, I find it laughable that you're even considering putting your name on five hundred thousand copies of this piffle. Not even piffle. It's piffle light. Martin hangs up his coat. Martin: Ah, lay off your brother. Some women just have a gift for makin' guys do stupid things. When I was on traffic duty, there was this one cute little redhead, she could talk her way out of any ticket. She could be doin' ninety with a school crossing guard spread-eagled on her hood. She'd flash that pouty little smile of hers and no matter what my partner'd say, I'd just wag my finger and send her on her way. Frasier: Yes, it's the old "Good Cop, Horny Cop" routine. Daphne comes in wearing a nice coat and carrying shopping bags. Daphne: Oh, good, you're all here. I want to show off me new coat. Niles: Very nice, Daphne. Daphne: Yes, I've been spending like a drunken yuppie. Oh, I'm afraid I went a bit over my budget. Niles: Well, if it's cash flow you're concerned about, you should know I got a little call from Wendel today. Martin: What, again? What's that, four times in two weeks? Niles: Yes, the man's a wizard. Daphne, your profit. [gives her a check] Daphne: Four hundred dollars? Oh, Dr. Crane! [She kisses him.] And here's one for Wendel. [She kisses his other cheek.] Niles: Did I mention Wendel has a secretary? [He puckers up.] Daphne: Oh, you! [Swats him on the stomach.] Martin: Well, I'd say this calls for a celebration. Daphne: Tell you what, I'll take you all out for a nice dinner, my treat. I'll just go and put on me new dress and we'll be off. I want you to put on your new shirt with your brown corduroy slacks. Martin: Hey, if you're buyin', I'm gonna wear elastic waist pants and no belt. Martin and Daphne exit to their rooms. Frasier: Well, Niles, that broker of yours, he's a marvel! Niles: Yes, he's doing wonderful things for me. Frasier: [knowingly] Yes, I'd say so. I've been so impressed with his winning streak lately that I asked Daphne what her latest pick was. I invested a few hundred myself. Niles: [nervous] Really? Well, congratulations. Frasier: Thank you. But there's just one thing, though, it's very hard to figure out. Although I invested in the very same stock that Daphne did, mine declined and hers went up. How do you explain that? Niles: Obviously, one of us is lying, Frasier. Niles puts on his coat. Niles: What are you up to? Frasier: Fess up, Niles, this whole stock thing was a lie from the get-go. Niles: No, no, that's not true. The first stock really did pay off, but then the rest all tanked. And what was I supposed to do? Tell that poor, working-class Venus I'd lost her life savings? I had to pay her back and if I threw in a little extra - well, where's the harm in that? Frasier: Niles, you are giving a woman money in order to obtain physical affection! We are talking the world's oldest profession. Granted, this is sort of the Walt Disney version, but still. It's wrong, and I insist you stop it. Niles: No. It's altruistic, it's noble, it's fun, and you can't make me stop. Daphne: [coming back out] Well, Dr. Crane, I want you to take this four hundred dollars back and buy whatever Wendel says. Niles: Consider it done. Martin comes out. Frasier: You know, Niles, I've been thinking maybe I should get on that gravy train myself. Tell Wendel I'm in for ten thousand. Daphne: Good lord, ten thousand dollars, Dr. Crane? Frasier: Yes, well just think of the dinner I'll be able to buy when Niles brings me my profits. Martin: Well, what the hell, put me down for a couple of hundred. This guy's some kind of genie! Niles: Yes, he's a real treasure, isn't he? I only hope those chest pains he was complaining about this morning turn out to be indigestion. Daphne: So, shall we go then? I've decided on Farmer Jack's Chicken, Chicken, Chicken. I hear the chicken there is very good. Martin: Are you comin'? Niles: Oh, you two run along. I'll take my car. Daphne and Martin leave. Niles: Well, I hope you're happy! Frasier: Snap out of it. What you were doing was completely dishonest. Niles: Ooh, said the pot to the kettle! Frasier: What is that supposed to mean? Niles: I think you know what it means. Frasier: Don't be ridiculous! Our two situations are totally different. Niles: Oh, really? How so? Frasier: Well, for one thing, you've been misleading a woman for your own selfish gain. Niles: And so are you! Frasier: Well, I'm not finished. She was also... trusting you to tell the truth. Niles: Oh, and the difference would be? Frasier: Your woman is English! Niles: Frasier, you've lost this one. Frasier: I know. I know. Just going to take a little while to climb down off of this particular high horse. Niles: I think you know what you have to do. Frasier: Yes. [stricken, puts a hand to his heart] I have to tell her I can't write the foreword. Oh, Niles, and I have to say goodbye to the chance of ever sleeping with absolute perfection. Oh, Niles, where oh where will I ever have the chance again to gaze upon such extraordinarily proud supple breasts? Niles: Not to worry, brother. That's the manager's special at Farmer Jack's Chicken, Chicken, Chicken. Frasier is not amused. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Honey's Hotel Room [SCENE_BREAK] Honey and Frasier come in, Frasier waits at the door. Honey: That was a wonderful dinner, thank you. Frasier: Yes, well thank you for the fabulous table. I think hugging the maitre d' really clinched it. Honey: Would you care for a nightcap? Frasier: Sure. [He comes in.] Honey: You know, you seemed really tense all evening. But I have just the thing. It's a sandalwood candle. The scent is guaranteed to calm you down. She lights the candle and breathes deeply, in and out, motioning up and down her body - and making Frasier extremely hot. Frasier: You better fire up about ten of those. You know, there's something I'd really like to talk to you about. It's about that foreword I've been trying to write for you. Honey: Can we not talk about work tonight, Frasier? I've been chained to my desk all day researching an article I'm doing on sexual intimacy. I am up to here with "The Joy of sx," "Kama Sutra," Masters and Johnson... Frasier: [turned on] Really? Honey: I feel like I've been reading recipes all day, only there are no groceries in the house. Frasier: Well, your bag-boy has arrived. They kiss. Frasier: No, no, no, no, I really need to discuss this now. Honey: Oh, you. You are such a workaholic. I only hope you're this tireless about everything. She drops her coat, revealing her low-cut evening dress. Frasier: Oh, I don't think you'll have any complaints. [He starts to take his tie off.] No, no, no, I've got to focus on the subject at hand. [straightens his tie] Honey: Frasier, tonight I am the subject at hand. They start to make out and fall to the couch. Frasier: No, no, Honey, I can't do it! Honey: Oh, that's all right, I have a candle for that too. Frasier: No, no, I, I can't write the foreword. Honey: Well, why not? Frasier: Well, I, I just didn't think it was a very good book. I think the world of you and I wish you the greatest success, but I didn't think the book was good enough to put my name on it. I guess I'll be going now. He starts to rise, but she puts a hand on his shoulder. Honey: I am so attracted to you right now. Most men are so eager to have sx they'll say anything to a woman. How great to meet a man who would risk rejection rather than be dishonest. Frasier: Well, I, uh... have to be true to my inner voice. Honey: You know, frankly I thought the book was weak myself. I rushed it to meet a deadline. I am so glad you respected me enough to be honest. I think honesty is the greatest aphrodisiac of all. Frasier: I hope you feel you can be just as honest to me. Honey: Oh, I do, I do. Tell me everything. I don't want us to hide anything. They start to make out. Frasier: I thought your chapter titles were clumsy and jejune. Your turn. Honey: You use way too much French in everyday conversation. You go. Frasier: I think that sandalwood stinks. Honey: Oh, when you talk about wine, I wish I had a gun. Frasier: I thought your first three books were trite and saccharine. She freezes. Frasier: It's your turn Honey. Honey? Honey: [pulling away] I am immensely proud of my first three books. Frasier: As well you should be. Honey: You thought they were trite? Frasier: Oh, well, I meant "trite" in its best sense. As in the phrase "trite and true." Honey: And what about "saccharine"? Frasier: I love saccharine. Use it every day. Honey: Well, I'm glad you like saccharine, darling, because there's no way you're getting any "honey." Good night, Frasier. She gets up and holds the door open. Frasier: Honey, I'm sorry, I really am. Couldn't we try one of your forgiveness exercises? Honey: Good night, Frasier. Frasier: Hug? Honey: You know, a poet once said something about the world that I think applies to our relationship: "It ends, not with a bang, but with a whimper." Frasier whimpers as he exits. FADE OUT. [SCENE_BREAK] Daphne, Martin, Frasier and Niles sit on the couch, dumbfounded. We pan across to Mrs. Fitzgibbons, in costume, belting out Wagner. We continue panning to find Eddie apparently trying to dig a hole in Martin's chair to hide in.	Plan: A: a fan; Q: What does Frasier pretend to be in order to pursue a romance with Shannon Tweed? A: several insubstantial self-help books; Q: What books does Frasier pretend to be a fan of? A: Shannon Tweed; Q: Who is the author of the self-help books Frasier pretends to be a fan of? A: the losses; Q: What does Niles try to cover up when he helps Daphne invest some money? Summary: Frasier pretends to be a fan of several insubstantial self-help books in order to pursue a romance with the author ( Shannon Tweed ). Meanwhile, Niles attempts to cover up the losses when he helps Daphne invest some money.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is on the phone. Sheldon: Buona sera, Luigi's Pizza. Buona sera. It means good evening in Italian. May I say, having to explain that to you calls into question the authenticity of your ristorante? Leonard: Okay, I'm out of here. Sheldon: Un momento. Oh, for heaven's sake, now you're being deliberately stupid. (to Leonard) Where are you going? Leonard: I'm having dinner with Priya at Raj's. I think Howard's going to be there. You want to join us? Sheldon: But tonight's Thursday. On Thursdays, everybody comes over here and has pizza. Or a reasonable facsimile prepared by someone claiming to be Luigi, but who sounds suspiciously like Jackie Chan. Leonard: Can't we make a one-time exception for tonight? Sheldon: We could. We could also stop using the letter M, but I think that idea is isguided and oronic. Leonard: Just come with me to Raj's. Sheldon: Well, I don't want to go to a party. Leonard: It's not a party. It's the same group of people who hang out here, hanging out over there. Sheldon: I'm sorry, but five people eating and chatting is a party. Leonard: How come it's not a party when we do it here? Sheldon: Because we don't throw parties. Leonard: I don't know what to tell you, Sheldon. I'm going to see Priya. Everyone's over there. You coming or not? Sheldon: Well, no, sir, and do you know why? In a word, tradition. Every Thursday night for the last eight years, you and I and our friends have gathered here in this very spot to break bread covered with cheese and sauce, discuss the issues of the day, and yes, share a laugh or two. But I guess our rich heritage means nothing to you. Leonard: I guess you're right. See you later. Sheldon: Wait! Leonard! Wait! What am I going to do for dinner? Leonard: Come with me to Raj's and eat there. Sheldon: I can't do that. What if he serves haggis and blood pudding? Leonard: I really doubt that's what he'll serve. Sheldon: But what if he does? I'll be obliged to dine on liver and lungs stuffed in a sheep's stomach. And frankly, blood pudding is essentially the same thing. I don't know why he's serving both. Leonard: What do you want to do? You want to come with me, or do you want to sit here alone? Sheldon: No, I'll go to your haggis party. But I'm telling you, this is adness. This is utter and coplete adness. Credits sequence. Sheldon: Oh, dear! Leonard: What? Sheldon: Raj's television. I just realized we're about to spend an evening watching a plasma screen with a cluster of dead pixels in the upper left-hand corner. Leonard: So don't watch TV. Read a book. Sheldon: And be a social pariah? Oh, you know that's not my style. Leonard: Ugh! Sheldon: The audible sigh is a show of exasperation, right? Leonard: Right. Sheldon: Is it about me or the dead pixels? Raj: Hey, you're just in time. We made Tex-Mex. Leonard: Oh, sounds great. Sheldon: Oh, Indians making Tex-Mex. Might as well have had the Chinese pizza. Priya: Hey, you. Leonard: Hi. Howard: That's got to be fun for you, huh? Watching Hofstadter suck the saliva out of your sister's mouth? Sheldon: Excuse me. Before this evening goes any further, we need to decide where everyone is going to sit. Priya: There is no assigned seats, Sheldon. Just sit anywhere. Make yourself comfortable. Sheldon: Oh, what fun. We're like hippies at a love-in. Leonard: Just sit here. Sheldon: Yeah, right on, man. Right on. Oh, look, it's Harry Potter and 98% of The Sorcerer's Stone. Raj: Okay, we've got fajitas with all the fixins, so you make your own. Sheldon: Wonderful. Dinner, some assembly required. Priya: Do you want a margarita, Sheldon? Sheldon: A margarita? Where are we? What is happening? Scene: The bar of the Cheesecake Factory Penny: Oh. Hey, Sheldon. What can I get ya? Sheldon: Water. Neat. With a little umbrella. Penny: Where are all your friends? Sheldon: Sadly, Penny, this evening, I am the Dark Knight, roaming these mean streets alone. A windbreaker for my cape, and a stern expression for my cowl. Penny: Okay. Sheldon: Excuse me? Isn't this the point where the world-weary barkeep absentmindedly wipes down the bar and coaxes the woes out of the troubled patron? Penny: Well, I was getting your stupid umbrella, but all right. What's troubling you, buddy? Sheldon: I don't think your heart's in it, but since you asked. Apparently, because Leonard is dating Raj's sister, we're all forced to hang out at his apartment. Penny: Oh, the horror. Sheldon: Indeed. Yeah, at one point, Raj put on reggae music, and his sister took off her shoes. It was like the last days of Caligula. (Phone rings) Oh, I have to get this. Umbrella? Penny: Ugh! Sheldon: Wonder what she's exasperated about. Hello? Amy (on phone): Sheldon, are you all right? When last we spoke, you were going to take a taxi home from Raj's, but according to Facebook, you just checked in at the Cheesecake Factory. Sheldon: Yes, I was in a taxi, but the driver didn't look at all like the photograph on his license, so I leapt out and ran for it. Amy: Wise. Penny: There you go. Just like recovering alcoholics drink in the Caribbean. Amy: Hi, bestie. Penny: Oh. Hi, Amy. How you been? Amy: Fine. From this angle, I can see up your nose. Penny: Yeah, it's a great time to be alive, isn't it? Sheldon: Don't worry. My problems can wait while you two hens finish your clucking. Penny: Look, Sheldon, Leonard is dating Priya. She is staying with Raj. That means you're all probably gonna be hanging out there more. Amy: Penny, I'm sorry you got dragged into this. I know you're devastated that your ex-boyfriend has found an exciting new lover with flawless, caramel-coloured skin. Penny: Okay, I'm not upset about Leonard and Priya. Amy: Your flaring nostrils indicate otherwise. Sheldon: Cluck-cluck-cluck. Amy: Sheldon, look at me. I think it's time to face the fact that Leonard is the nucleus of your social group. Where he goes, the group goes. Sheldon: Leonard the nucleus? That makes no sense. I'm the whimsical elf that everyone looks to for a good time. Amy: I'm not saying that you're not fun. You're the most fun person I know. Penny: A lot of people think I'm fun to be around. Amy: Don't be needy, bestie. That's probably part of what chased Leonard away. What I am saying, Sheldon, is that your group is Leonard-centric. If it were a town, it would be Leonardville. If it were an Islamic nation, Leonardstan. If it were the birthplace of motion pictures, we'd all be singing Hooray for Leonardwood. Penny: Ooh, I got one. If you guys were a band, you'd be called Leonard and the Leonards. Amy: So needy. Scene: The apartment. Leonard: What you doing? Sheldon: I'm setting out snacks. Leonard: You do realize everyone's eating at Raj's again tonight? Sheldon: I didn't say the snacks were for you now, did I, Nosy Rosie? Leonard: You're having people over? Sheldon: Yes. Must be killing you wondering who. Fine, I'll tell you. Stuart from the comic bookstore, Barry Kripke from the university, Penny's ex-boyfriend Zack and TV's LeVar Burton. Leonard: Really? LeVar Burton's coming here? Sheldon: Possibly. I Tweeted him. Leonard: Okay, well, tell him I loved him on Star Trek. Sheldon: Please, Leonard, stop trying to horn in on my new friends. Leonard: Of course. Good night. Sheldon: Leonard. Leonard: Yeah? Sheldon: We had a good run, you and I. Leonard: Okay. Sheldon: But change is a part of life. Leonard: It certainly is. Sheldon: Okay. I have guests coming. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave now. Leonard: I am leaving. Sheldon: Don't make this harder than it is, Leonard. Leonard: Good-bye, Sheldon. Sheldon: And good-bye to you, sir. He'll be back. Leonard: Of course I'll be back. I live here! Scene: The apartment, later. Sheldon: Well, it would appear LeVar Burton won't be joining us so let's get started. Um, I thought we'd begin by going around the room, introducing ourselves and saying a little bit about why we're here. Okay. I'm Sheldon. Uh, for regular readers of The New England Journal of High Energy Physics, I need no introduction. If you're not familiar with that publication, there's a free copy in your goody bag. Stuart? Stuart: Um. Hi. I'm Stuart. I run a comic bookstore, which for financial reasons, I'm currently living in. And I guess what I'm hoping for most out of tonight is a hot shower. Sheldon: That's very nice, Stuart. Zack? Zack: I'm Zack, and I'm, uh... uh... could you come back to me? Sheldon: Of course. Barry? Barry: I'm Barry Kwipke, and I'm here because you told me there was going to be a whaffle. When is the whaffle? Sheldon: Patience, patience, Barry. The whaffle... the raffle is the grand finale to an evening-long festival of fun and folly. Barry: One more question... Sheldon: Yes, you must be present to win. Zack: Okay, I'm ready. I'm Zack, and I'm, uh... oh, crap, why is this so hard? Scene: Penny's apartment. Penny: Oh, hey. Bernadette: Hi. Amy: Yo, P-dog. Penny: What's up? Bernadette: We're here to kidnap you for a girls' night out. Amy: Parenthetical, the term kidnap is being used playfully. Penny: I kind of figured that. Amy: Good. Now put this pillowcase over your head. Penny: No. Amy: She used to be much more fun, until Leonard punched her in the heart. Bernadette: We just thought you might want to go out and have a good time, maybe go dancing. Penny: Oh. Gee, thanks, but I'm not really in the mood. Amy: You do understand that it will distract you from obsessing over the rich variety of sweet loving that your ex-boyfriend is currently receiving from the fiery jewel of Mumbai. Penny: Okay, look, if I agree to go out with you guys, will you promise to stop pestering me about Leonard and Priya? Amy: Yes. Bernadette: Sure. Penny: All right. I'll go change. Come on in. Amy: If you'd have let me bring the chloroform, we wouldn't have had to put up with all this jibber-jabber. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: The apartment. Zack: Anyway, after we get done snowboarding, I go back to the lodge and get in the Jacuzzi. There's no one around, so naturally, I'm free-balling it. Next thing I know, this beautiful chick shows up, drunk out of her skull, wants to get in with me. Sheldon: Question. Was it a Jacuzzi or a hot tub? Barry: Weally? That's your question? Zack: What's the difference? Sheldon: Jacuzzi is a commercial brand. Hot tub is the generic term, i.e., all Jacuzzis are hot tubs, but not all hot tubs are Jacuzzis. Zack: Is that like all thumbs are fingers, but not all fingers are thumbs? Sheldon: Surprisingly, yes. Zack: Nice. Now, what exactly are toes? Stuart: Can you please get back to the drunk girl? I'd like something to think about in the shower. Zack: Oh, yeah. Right. Anyway, she takes off all of her clothes, climbs into the hot tub, and the first thing I notice... Sheldon: The water level rose. Zack: No. Sheldon: Of course it did. It's said that Archimedes, the ancient Greek mathematician, discovered the principle of displacement while taking a bath. Barry: Tewwific. Go ahead, Zack. Naked dwunk girl, fwee-balling, continue. Sheldon: Forgive me, but I think you'll find my story is more interesting. Barry: Does yours have wet bweasts in it? Sheldon: Better. It has a gold crown. You see, the king wondered how much gold was in it and charged Archimedes with coming up with the solution. Because the crown was irregularly shaped, there was no way to mathematically determine its volume. But, while bathing, Archimedes realized he could immerse the crown and measure the amount the water rose. Zack: So, long story short, I nailed her. Sheldon: When he finished, he shouted Eureka! Zack: No, I always shout, Holy Moly! Don't know why. Just do. Sheldon: All right, that concludes the getting to know you portion of the evening. Who's ready to play some vintage video games? And tonight's selections include ColecoVision's Smurf Rescue in Gargamel's Castle, Atari's Cookie Monster Munch, and for you text adventure aficionados, Zork. Pick me, pick me. I'm fun. Barry: That all sucks the big haiwy meatball. How about I go get the kawaoke machine out of my car, get plastered and blow the woof off this place? Zack: Great, I'll make a beer run. Stuart: And I'll take a shower. We'll meet back here in fifteen. Barry: Check. Sheldon: I'm unhappy. Scene: Raj's apartment. Leonard: This is delicious. Where'd you learn to make chili? Priya: When I was at university in England, my flatmate was from Texas. Leonard: I hope she wasn't anything like my flatmate from Texas. Priya: Sheldon is a bit quirky, isn't he? Howard: Oh, please. That crazy bstrd's looking at quirky in the rearview mirror. Leonard: Did you know that, per our roommate agreement, I have to wash my feet before I get in the shower? And not in the sink. We each have special buckets. Howard: Raj, did you ever tell your sister about the time Sheldon got punched by Bill Gates? Priya: Oh, God, you're kidding. Raj: Nope. Gates gave a speech at the university. Sheldon went up to him afterwards and said, maybe if you weren't so distracted by sick children in Africa, you could have put a little more thought into Windows Vista." Leonard: Bam. Right in the nose. Made me proud to own a PC. Raj: I'd like to propose a toast to a rare and wonderful Sheldon-free evening. Leonard: Hear, hear. Howard: Cheers. You realize that's the first time we've ever done that without having to listen to Sheldon tell us why it's called a toast? Priya: Why is it called a toast? Leonard: Oh, the ancient Romans put spiced toast in their punch bowls. Raj: Sheldon tells it better. Leonard: He kind of does. Howard: Yeah. Leonard: Aw, hell, I miss him. Scene: Penny's apartment. Penny: So, where do you guys want to go dancing? Bernadette: We were hoping you'd know a place. Amy: Yes, perhaps somewhere packed tightly with young, beautiful bodies sweating and writhing against each other in a glorious orgy of the flesh. Penny: Oh, yeah, I know that place. What do you think? Amy: That should display enough of your bosom to attract a new mate, or a hungry infant. Penny: Okay, let's go through this one more time. Just because Leonard has a new girlfriend does not mean I need to go out and hook up with some guy. Bernadette: But you could if you wanted to, right? Penny: Well, yeah, I guess. Bernadette: Pick out the hottest guy in the room, take him home, do unspeakable things to him, then kick him to the curb with a smile on his face and teeth marks on his heinie? Penny: More or less. Amy: What's that like? Penny: I don't know. It's fun while you're doing it. And then after, it's mostly embarrassment, self-loathing and regret. Bernadette: I would take that deal all day long. Penny: Yeah, well, it's not gonna happen tonight. You know, for the first time in my life, I am not in a relationship, and I'm totally okay with it. Amy: You know, if being on your own is new to you, I'd be happy to share some tension-relieving techniques for ladies I've perfected over the years. For example, do you have an electric toothbrush? Penny: Um, no. Amy: You should get one. Bernadette: What's that? Amy: It appears to be something preserved between two pieces of acrylic. Penny: Oh, it's a snowflake from the North Pole. Leonard gave it to me last year. Bernadette: Oh, God, that is so romantic. Penny: Yeah, it was. Bernadette: Leonard's really one of a kind. Amy: Saying that while holding a snowflake is a little bit heavy-handed, don't you think? Penny: Let me see that. Oh, screw it. I can deal with a little self-loathing. Let's go find me a heinie to bite. Amy: Outstanding. And if we fail, we can always stop at CVS and pick you out a nice toothbrush. I call mine Gerard. Bernadette: That's kind of creepy. Scene: The apartment. Barry and Zack are singing "Don't Go Breaking My Heart" Stuart: Anybody do Walking on Sunshine yet? Sheldon: No. Stuart: Dibs. Scene: Raj's apartment. Priya: I'm sorry, Sheldon bought a loom and learned how to weave? Leonard: He actually got pretty good. He made us all matching serapes. Raj: I still wear mine when there's a nip in the air. Priya: Now, was this before or after he adopted the 25 cats? Leonard: Long before the cats. I think it was around the time he tried to declare our apartment a sovereign nation. I still have some of the currency. Sheldon (outside): (Knock, knock, knock) All my friends. (Knock, knock, knock) All my friends. (Knock, knock, knock) All my friends. Howard: I think it's like Beetlejuice. We said his name too many times. Raj: Come on in. Sheldon: Thank you. Leonard: Hey. I thought you were with your new buddies. Sheldon: I had to leave. They were having fun wrong. Priya: Come here, Sheldon. Sit here with me. Sheldon: Thank you. Priya: Would you like some homemade chili? Sheldon: Are there beans in it? Priya: Yes. Sheldon: Then it's not chili. Real chili has no beans in it, but you're from a foreign land, so your ignorance is forgiven. Priya: Sheldon, do you want some or not? Sheldon: Yes, please. Your girlfriend's a little short-tempered. Raj: I'd like to propose a toast to friends, no matter how quirky. All: Cheers. Sheldon: Priya, do you know why this is called a toast? Priya: Actually, I do. I believe the Romans used to put spiced toast in their punch bowls. Sheldon: She's also a bit of a know-it-all. Mmm. This is good. Whatever it is. Scene: The apartment. Stuart is singing "Walking on Sunshine". Barry and Zack are doing backing vocals. LeVar Burton: Hello? I... Oh, I don't think so. I am so done with Twitter.	Plan: A: the normal venue; Q: Where did Leonard and Howard decide to have dinner instead of? A: the Cheesecake Factory; Q: Where did Penny tell Sheldon he had to accept that the gang would be hanging out at Raj's place more often? A: Amy; Q: Who tells Sheldon that Leonard is the nucleus of their social group? A: the nucleus; Q: What role does Sheldon take on in the new group? A: Sheldon's plans; Q: What is dismissed by the others in favor of Zack's dating stories? A: Sheldon's place; Q: Where does LeVar Burton show up? A: dancing; Q: What do Bernadette and Amy want to take Penny to do to get her mind off Leonard and Priya? A: her mind; Q: What does Amy change when she finds the encased snowflake Leonard gave to her? A: clothes; Q: What does Penny change to get her mind off Leonard and Priya? A: sex; Q: What does Penny say she doesn't want to have with a random guy to make up for Leonard and Priya? A: the surface; Q: What does Amy's feelings for Leonard come back to? Summary: Now Leonard and Priya are dating and since she lives with Raj, Leonard and Howard decide to have dinner there instead of the normal venue which disturbs Sheldon. Sheldon stops by the Cheesecake Factory where Penny tells him he has to accept that the gang will be hanging out at Raj's place more often. Amy tells him that Leonard is the nucleus of their social group and not Sheldon. As a result, he sets up a new group consisting of Kripke, Stuart, Zack and LeVar Burton (whom he tweeted) with him as the nucleus. Sheldon's plans are dismissed by the others in favor of Zack's dating stories and getting drunk and singing karaoke. Naturally, Sheldon does not like that very much, so he decides to go back to his old friends, who, in the meantime, realized that they actually missed Sheldon. In the end, LeVar Burton finally does show up at Sheldon's place, but when he sees Kripke, Stuart and Zack singing karaoke together, he leaves immediately. Meanwhile, Bernadette and Amy want to take Penny out dancing to get her mind off of Leonard and Priya. As she changes clothes, she tells the girls that it is the first time in her life she is satisfied with being single and does not want to have sex with a random guy to make up for it, however when Amy finds the encased snowflake that Leonard gave to her after his expedition, she changes her mind as her feelings for Leonard come back to the surface again.
Michael: Hey Ryan, can I get you a pencil from the warehouse? Ryan: Uh, no thanks, I'm good. Michael: Oh, it's okay, I'm going down. Ryan: Um... Yeah, absolutely. Michael: All right, I'll be right back. [goes down pretend stairs] Dwight: [laughs uproariously and applauds] Whoo! Michael: [hands Ryan pencil] There you go. Dwight: Awesome! Ryan: Thank you. Michael: You're welcome. Dwight: Michael, can you get me a pen from down in the warehouse? Michael: Don't mind if I do. See you in a minute. [goes back down pretend stairs and grabs pen from Stanley's desk] Dwight: Okay. [continues to laugh] Whoo! Michael: There you go, fresh from the warehouse. Pam: Hey Michael, would you get me some coffee from the warehouse? Michael: There's coffee in the kitchen, Pam. Pam: But the warehouse coffee tastes SO much better. Ryan and others: Yeah. Yes, it's better. It's great. Michael: [breathless] All right. Okay. [goes back down pretend stairs, crawls on belly to the kitchen for the coffee] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I am like Bette Midler in For the Boys. Gotta keep the troops entertained. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [after Michael returns with coffee] With cream and sugar? Michael: [sighs] All right. [SCENE_BREAK] Jan: [on speakerphone] So, I wanted to let you know that we lost Ed Truck. Michael: Oookay. Let me see if I have his cell. Is this the only reason you are calling, Jan? Or does somebody miss me? Jan: Michael, Ed died over the weekend. Michael: Oh, wow. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Attention, everybody. I just received a call from corporate with some news they felt that I should know first. My old boss Ed Truck has died. Kelly: Oh, Michael, that's such terrible news! You must feel so sad. Michael: Yes, I am. It's very sad. Because he was my boss. Phyllis: That's a shame. Ed was a good guy. Michael: That's right, you worked with him. So did Creed. Well, I'll be in my office in case anybody wants to drop by. Cheer me up. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: So did you hear the news? Pam: The news that you just announced? That Ed died? Michael: Yeah. Pam: Is there anything I can do? Michael: Oh, gosh, what can anybody do, really? It's... pssssh... . He was almost 70. Circle of life. Pam: Yeah. Michael: [holds out arms to Pam] Pam: Oh. Okay. Michael: Yeah. Mmmmmm. Pam: [extricating herself] Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Josh: What's going on with Fairfield County schools? Karen, did you generate that price list? Karen: Um, shoot. Uh, I will. Sorry. Josh: Okay, just get it done. Jim, will you make sure? Jim: Oh yeah, definitely. Andy: [coughing out his words] Suck up! Josh, did you hear what I said? Josh: Thank you, everyone. [SCENE_BREAK] Karen: [at vending machine] Dammit. Jim: What's up? Karen: Uh, nothing. They're just out of Herr's chips. Jim: Oh. Karen: But don't worry about it. My snack food doesn't fall under the umbrella of your authority. Jim: Mmm, that's where you're wrong. I'm your project supervisor today, and I have just decided that we're not doing anything until you get the chips that you require. So, I think we should go get some. Now, please. [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: It's a real shame about Ed, huh? Michael: Yeah. Must really have you thinkin'. Creed: About what? Michael: The older you get, the bigger the chance is you're gonna die. You knew that. Creed: Ed was decapitated. Michael: What? Dwight: Really? Creed: He was drunk as a skunk, he was flying down Route 6. He slides under an 18 wheeler. Pop. It snaps right off. Michael: Oh my God. Dwight: That is the way to go. Instant death. Very smart. Creed: You know a human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated. Dwight: You're thinking of a chicken. Creed: What did I say? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: That is just not the way a Dunder Mifflin manager should go, I'm sorry. Alone, out of the blue, and not even have his own head to comfort him. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [clears throat] So, I'm not exactly sure how to say this... Dwight: Ed was decapitated. Michael: What are you doing? Dwight: You said you didn't know how to say it. Michael: I didn't... he was driving on the road and he went under a truck. And that's when his head was separated from the rest of him. And I will let you know more as soon as I find out. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Hey. Angela: Hi. Dwight: If my head ever comes off, I would like you to put it on ice. Angela: I do not wanna talk about this. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: When I die, I wanna be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever because I will have used that time to figure out exactly why I died and what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I don't understand. We have a day honoring Martin Luther King, but he didn't even work here. Jan: [on speakerphone] I understand how you feel, Michael. I really do. So, would it be helpful to give everyone the day off? Michael: You really don't get it, do you? You don't understand these people. That is the last thing that they would want is a day off. Jan: Well, what would you suggest? Michael: [thoughtfully] A statue. Jan: Of Ed? Michael: Yeah. Jan: [scoffs] I'm not sure that's realistic. Michael: Well, I think it would be very realistic, it would look just like him. Jan: No, that's not--- Michael: We could have his eyes light up, we could have his arms move... Dwight: That is not a statue, that is a robot. Michael: I think that is a great way to honor Ed. Dwight: And how big do you want this robot? Michael: Life-size. Dwight: Mm, no. Better make it two-thirds. Easier to stop if it turns on us. Jan: What the hell are you two talking about? Michael: Well, we are talking about how to properly honor a man who gave his life as regional manager of this company, Jan. Jan: You know what, Michael? I've really tried with you today... Michael: Mm hm. Jan: ...and I have to get back to work. Michael: Oh do you? You know who wished they could get back to work is Ed Truck. Jan: So call me when you feel like having a real conversation. Michael: But Ed truck can't because he is--- Jan: Goodbye. [hangs up] Michael: DEAD. Dwight: Look [holding up sketch] I gave him a six foot extension cord so he can't chase us. Michael: That's perfect. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Okay, that is a "no" on the on the West Side Market. Karen: Okay, great. I think that's enough. Can I get back to work now? Jim: Wow. Never pegged you for a quitter. Karen: I am NOT a quitter. I will do this all day if you want. Jim: Really? Karen: Yeah, all day. Andy: Hey. What are we doing? What's the game? I want in. Jim: Oh, there's no game. We're just trying to get these chips for Karen. Andy: Did you check the vending machine? Karen: Oh, the vending machines! How did we miss that? Jim: I have no idea. We went right for the copier. Karen: Mm. Jim: And then we checked the fax machine. Karen: Yeah, nothing there. Andy: Did you check your... butt? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Oohh... can you imagine how much blood there was? If it happened right here, it would reach all the way to reception. Probably get on Pam. Phyllis: Okay that's enough. Michael: What? Stanley: We do not wanna hear about this. Michael: Well, you know what? I didn't wanna hear about it either, Stanley, but I did and now I can't stop picturing it. He leaves work, he's on his way home... wham! His cappa is detated from his head! Stanley: You have just spit on my face. Michael: Well, you know what? There's something wrong with you. There is something wrong with everybody in here. Because we have lost a member of our family and you don't wanna talk about it, you don't wanna think about it, you just wanna get back to work! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: There are five stages to grief, which are [glancing at computer screen] denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. And right now, out there, they're all denying the fact that they're sad. And that's hard. And it's making them all angry. And it is my job to try to get them all the way through to acceptance. And if not acceptance, then just depression. If I can get them depressed, then I'll have done my job. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I am going to throw you this ball. When you catch the ball, I want you to say the name of a person very important to you, somebody really special who died, and then I want you to say how they died, and you may cry if you like, that is encouraged. Let me just start. Let me show you how this works. I catch the ball. I lost Ed Truck. And... it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears... and at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer... and then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone... and I'm crying, and nobody can hear me, because I am terribly, terribly... terribly alone. Roy: Excuse me, I'm sorry to interrupt, uh, I need to see Pam. There seems to be, like, something wrong with the radiator in her car. Michael: Okay, fine. Hurry back. Roy: [as they leave] There's nothing wrong with your car. I just thought you might like a break from the "grief counseling" session. Pam: Oh. I would like a break. [SCENE_BREAK] Roy: How are you likin' the new car? Pam: Great. Roy: Yeah? Sure is small. Got airbags? Pam: I think so. I don't know, I was mainly focused on the cup holders. Roy: [laughs] Well, you're not still driving so fast, are you? Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [on phone] Hi, yeah. This is Mike from the West Side Market. Well, we get a shipment of Herr's salt and vinegar chips, and we ordered that about three weeks ago and haven't ... . yeah. You have 'em in the warehouse. Great. What is my store number... six. Wait, no. I'll call you back. [quickly hangs up] Shut up [to Karen]. Karen: [laughing] Six? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [as Pam returns to conference room] Okay, we can start. Um... Pam: You waited for me? Michael: Yeah. Pam, you're a member of this family. So we will wait for our family members. Phyllis, you wanna give it a shot? Dwight: [grabbing ball] I got it. When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered, that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No. I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby. Michael: Okay, why don't you throw the ball to somebody else. Stanley: [throwing ball back] Nope. Michael: [returning ball to Stanley] Oh, yes Stanley. Come on. Your turn, you have to go. Stanley: I will NOT. [throws ball back] Michael: Okay... I'm going to toss the ball to Pam. Pam: Let's see. I had an aunt that I was really close to. She was this amazing female boxer. Um, anyway, she was injured in a fight, and she was paralyzed. So, you can imagine how upset I was when I found out that she asked her manager to remove her breathing tube so she could die. Michael: Wow. If you wanna cry, that's okay. Ryan: [catching ball] Thanks. Um, a few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa and, um, my cousin, Mufasa was um, he was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests and, um, we all... took it really hard. All of us kind of in the audience of what happened. Michael: Do you want to talk about it anymore? Ryan: Oh, it would probably take me like an hour and a half to tell that whole story. Kevin: Me, me, me, me, me me. [catches ball] Yes. Okay, um. I was trying to throw this party once. And everyone was over for the weekend. And then my uncle Bernie died, and so me and my best friend, we had to pretend like he was alive, so... Michael: Wait a second. That's Weekend at Bernie's. [upset] Do you think that this is a game? Phyllis: Well, there is a ball. Michael: All right, we're starting over. Stanley: No, I'm done. Michael: You are not leaving. No! We are not done. Angela: We really have a lot of work to do right now. Michael: Yeah. Well, you know what? The guy who had my job has died. And nobody cares! And he sat at my desk. [breaking down] Toby: Michael, look. I know this is hard for you, but death's just a part of life. I mean, just this morning I saw a little bird fly into the glass doors downstairs and die. And I had to keep going. Michael: How do you know? Toby: What? Michael: That that bird was dead? Did you check its breathing? Toby: It was obvious... Michael: Was its heart beating, Toby? Did you check it? No, of course you didn't. You're not a veterinarian. You don't know ANYTHING! [runs out of conference room crying] Dwight: Michael! [following Michael downstairs] Michael. Michael ... Michael: [seeing bird] Oh, God! Dwight: [in disgust] Oh... Michael: Oh my God! Oh my God, come on ... Dwight: Poor little fella. Michael: Oh shhhh--oot! Dwight: He is a goner. Michael: No, he's not. Dwight: Yeah. Michael: No, he's not. [cradling bird next to face] Dwight: Michael, get him away from your head! He is covered in germs and bacteria! Michael: Well, you can't get diseases from a bird! [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: A dead bird should not be in the kitchen! Michael: We don't know if it's dead. Kelly: Ugh, no that thing is dead. Dwight: You want me to flush him? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Attention everybody. This will only take a second of your time. Today at 4 p.m. we will be meeting in the parking lot to have a funeral service for this bird. Meredith: I have a lot of work to do. Michael: Well, I'm sorry to inconvenience you, Meredith. But that is what you do when things die. You honor them. Toby killed this bird. And now we are going to honor it. Angela: But... Michael: No, no, no! That's enough! You know what? This bird is dead. He died alone. The least you can do is be there for him now. [to Dwight] Find a box for him. [SCENE_BREAK] Karen: I'm calling a supermarket in Montreal. Jim: Nice! Karen: [on phone] Bonjour. Je cherche des tchips de la marque Herr's. Non? Ah... merci quand meme. Au revoir. Jim: Sounded good. Karen: Thanks. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: [crying] Michael: It's okay. It's okay. [pats Kelly on shoulder] Shh... yes, I know, I know. It's been a tough day, but it's good to let it show. Kelly: I mean, how many times to I have to confirm with Ryan [Michael walks away disgusted] for him to know that we have a date tonight? [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [trying to shove bird into a can] Argh... gah! Michael: What are... What are you doing? Dwight: What? No, this is about the right size. Michael: No, God, no it's not! What is the matter with you? Is that the beak!? [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I'm sorry, I grew up on a farm. We slaughtered a pig whenever we wanted bacon. My grandfather was reburied in an old oil drum. [pause] It would have fit if he had given me another minute. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I need a box. I need a box. A small box... not too confining. Pam: Is it for the bird? Dwight: Yeah. Pam: I have it covered. [hands Dwight a decorated box] Dwight: Oh, thank you. Pam: If you wanna do something for the funeral... Dwight: Yes, please. Pam: Maybe you could play a song on your recorder. Dwight: Excellent. Pam: Do you have it with you? Dwight: Always. [runs off] [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Did I wake up this morning thinking I'd be throwing together a bird funeral? You never can tell what your day here is gonna turn into. [SCENE_BREAK] Karen: [spotting Herr's chips on her desk] Where'd you find them? Jim: Where'd I find what? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: I called the manufacturer, who referred me to distributor, who referred me to the vending machine company, who told me that they sell them in the machines in the building next door. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Glad you could all make it. Kelly: You told us we had to. Michael: Dwight, do you have the box? Pam: Actually, I have it. Michael: You made this? Wow. [impressed] That's... that's very nice. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: When I was five my mom told me that my fish went to the hospital in the toilet and it never came back so we had a funeral for it. And I remember thinking "I'm a little too old for this." And I was five. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: I'd also like to say a few words if that's okay. Michael: Yes. Pam: What do we know about this bird? You might think, "Not much. It's just a bird." But we do know some things. We know it was a local bird. Maybe it's that same bird that surprised Oscar that one morning with a special present from above. Kevin: Oh, I remember that. That was SO funny. Pam: And we know how he died. Flying into the glass doors. But you know what? I don't think he was being stupid. I think he just really, really wanted to come inside our building to spread his cheer and lift our spirits with a song. Dwight: He's not a songbird. Michael: Shhh. Pam: An impression, then. Lastly, we can't help but notice that he was by himself when he died, but of course, we all know that doesn't mean he was alone. Because I'm sure that there were lots of other birds out there who cared for him very much. He will not be forgotten. Angela: [quickly] Amen. Dwight: [begins playing recorder] Pam: [singing] Just smile for me and let the day begin. You are the sunshine that lights my heart within... on the wings of love ... [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that's baloney, because grief isn't wrong. There is such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Let's get back to work.	Plan: A: Michael; Q: Who learns that Ed Truck has died? A: Ed Truck; Q: Who is Michael's former boss? A: the news; Q: What does Michael's employees not seem to be shaken by? A: his own mortality; Q: What does Michael begin to ponder after learning of Ed Truck's death? A: a bird; Q: What creature was killed by flying into a window? A: a funeral; Q: What does Michael decide to do for the bird that was killed? A: Dunder Mifflin Stamford; Q: Where do Jim and Karen go in search of Karen's favorite potato chips? A: a quest; Q: What do Jim and Karen embark on to find Karen's favorite potato chips? Summary: Michael learns that his former boss Ed Truck has died. Seeing that his employees are not shaken by the news, Michael begins to ponder his own mortality. While mourning, Michael learns that a bird was killed by flying into a window earlier that morning, and he decides to have a funeral for the bird later that day. Meanwhile, at Dunder Mifflin Stamford, Jim and Karen embark on a quest for Karen's favorite potato chips.
ACT 1 (St. Dominic's Roman Catholic Church - A priest and an altar boy prepare for mass) FATHER PATRICK: Come on then, William, let's not keep God waiting. (William comes closer, Father Patrick blesses the bowl of water) By this holy water, and by your precious blood, wash away all my sins, O Lord. WILLIAM: Amen. FATHER PATRICK: And may this holy water protect us against evil in this world and in the next. WILLIAM: (Sniffing) I smell something weird. FATHER PATRICK: The new candles are smokier than the last batch. (They exit to the main room, a body with horns is burning on the altar) FATHER PATRICK: Oh, no! (They run to the altar) FATHER PATRICK: Oh, my Lord! (Kneels to pray) FATHER PATRICK Most glorious prince of the heavenly armies, Saint Michael the Archangel. God help us. (William grabs the holy water and douses the flames, to no avail.) WILLIAM: Be gone, Satan! FATHER PATRICK: Pray with me, William. (They kneel) FATHER PATRICK: Defend us in battle against the rulers of this world of darkness, against the spirits of wickedness in high places! (Brennan and Booth are in the car, Brennan is driving) BRENNAN: Notice how I'm not tailgating? Adaptive cruise control. BOOTH: Hmm-hmm. Ah, well, right now I'm more worried about a safe distance between you and me. BRENNAN: Why? BOOTH: Why? Because we're going to a church and you tend to get blasphemous in churches. BRENNAN: What, you're afraid that if God smites me with lightning, you could get hit? BOOTH: Yeah, I'm usually standing right beside you. BRENNAN: The Greek god Zeus also used lightning to incinerate his enemies. Although, Zeus apparently had better aim than your God. BOOTH: Exactly, stuff like that. Just don't say stuff like that. All right, are we...what's going on here? Are we going the right way? BRENNAN: Yes. All I had to say was, (loudly) "St. Dominic's Roman Catholic Church" into the voice activated GPS. BOOTH: (shouting) Car, could you please get us there a little faster? BRENNAN: No, the accelerator is not voice activated. It's foot activated, like a normal car. BOOTH: Right. BRENNAN: Oh. (laughs) You're joking. BOOTH: Yeah. BRENNAN: That's funny. (St Dominic's Roman Catholic Church - Booth, Brennan, and Father Patrick approach the altar.) BOOTH: Father Patrick I'm Special Agent Seeley Booth, this here's my Dr. Temperance Brennan FATHER PATRICK: I have no idea what I'm going to tell our congregation. He has horns. BRENNAN: Yes that would have great meaning for your superstitious followers. BOOTH: (Whispers to Brennan) Yeah, like me. (To Father Patrick) Was the, uh, Sanctuary locked? FATHER PATRICK: Yes, but, doors and windows mean nothing to unclean spirits. BRENNAN: Many cultures since the dawn of humanity have explained evil as the work of mythical, supernatural beings. FATHER PATRICK: Evil is not mythical Dr. Brennan, it emanates from The Opposition. From Satan. And his minions. (Booth and Brennan come to the altar) BOOTH: Bones, that looks like a demon. (Booth genuflects and crosses himself) Huh, you understand? BRENNAN: Booth, if your superstitions are getting the best of you I can continue my examination alone. BOOTH: I'm just saying a prayer for us to protect us from the evil, you understand? I mean, come on. Even you believe in evil. BRENNAN: I believe in genetic anomalies and abhorrent behavior. Also, accidents. And unfortunately, prayers do not have much effect on the physical world. BOOTH: (Taps Brennan and points to body) Those are horns. BRENNAN: Yes. The smell indicates the remains were doused in some kind of petrochemical accelerant. Which also explains why the fire was localized. BOOTH: Right, and you just blew right past the whole "horn" thing. Have you seen this before? BONES: No, it's fascinating. BOOTH: Fascinating. It can't be real, right? It must be some kind of plastic or something right? BRENNAN: No, they appear to be composed of actual bone. BOOTH: Those are real horns. BRENNAN: Are you okay, Booth? BOOTH: Yeah, I'm alright, let's just, uh - what do you say we just get Hell Boy wrapped up and back to the Jeffersonian. (indicates other agents) Come on guys, let's go. OPENING CREDITS ACT TWO (At the Jeffersonian, Brennan and Cam are walking to the platform) CAM: I've been a coroner a long time. I've seen a lot of bad things... BRENNAN: Define bad things. CAM: Murder, mayhem, catastrophe, suicide, explosions, you know, the usual stuff. But this? This gave me a chill. BRENNAN: Because of the demonic symbolism of the horns? CAM: Look, I just don't want to end up hovering above my bed with my head spinning around 360 degrees. (They reach the platform and swipe their cards) BRENNAN: That would not only be impossible, but fatal. CAM: Right. BRENNAN: Preliminary findings, Mr. Vaziri? ARASTOO: The victim is human, mostly. CAM: Oh, he's only half joking. This extension of cartilage here? (Points to body) BRENNAN: Oh, a tail! The victim had a tail? ARASTOO: Unmistakably devilish. BRENNAN: Believing in fallen angels and living by the tenets of empirical science are mutually exclusive. ARASTOO: Islam teaches that Shaitan was not a fallen angel but a Jinn. Angels are created from light and have no free will. Jinns are made from smokeless fire and use their free will to defy Allah. CAM: Not an angel, not a Jinn, and yet; not your run-of-the-mill man, either. ARASTOO: The victim is Caucasian, and judging by the partially fused epiphyseal union on the clavicle, 19 to 24 years of age. (Hodgins enters) HODGINS: The accelerant was common motor oil. Available at any gas station. CAM: Well at least it wasn't brimstone, available only from Hell. HODGINS: I can't get much off of what's left of his clothes, it's just a generic mixture of cotton and man-made fibres. BRENNAN: What do you make of the horns, Mr. Vaziri? HODGINS: Whoa, hey! Horns fall under my area. CAM: Only if they aren't made of bone. ARASTOO: But they are made of bone. HODGINS: Really? Huh. Well I took a sample of your horns and ran it through the mass spec. In addition to calcium potassium, manganese and silica... BRENNAN: Bone, as Mr. Vaziri stated. HODGINS: I also found calcium carbonate in the crystal for aragonite, which is better known as coral. BRENNAN: Likely the horns were cosmetic implants, but as a result of biocompatibility the remodeled bone grew within the coral. CAM: What about the tail, do you think it's a cosmetic implant as well? BRENNAN: Vestigial. It's a vestigial tail. CAM: Well, that's extremely rare for a child to be born with one. BRENNAN: There is a man in west Bengal with a 33 centimeter long tail, who some believe is the reincarnation of Hanuman. (Angela enters) ANGELA: Hey, I got an ID on our victim. CAM: Is his last name Lucifer? HODGINS: Can we please call him Hell Boy until we find out otherwise? ANGELA: (Goes to computer) Well, we've found out otherwise. Neal Lowery. Turns out Neal's the only missing guy with horns. Go figure. BRENNAN: Where was his last known residence? ARASTOO: I'm guessing Mr. Stephen King's basement. ANGELA: Havenhurst Sanitarium, where he's being treated for schizophrenia. (Booth is in the interrogation room with Erica and Gabe Lowery, the victim's mother and brother.) ERICA: Things were fine when Neal was little. He was the happiest boy GABE: He loved cars, toy trucks. Real smart kid. BOOTH: And your son, he was born with a tail? ERICA: Yes. Um, vestigial, the doctors called it. BOOTH: When Neal was 14 a teacher noticed he'd been beaten and reported it to Child Services? ERICA: Yes, there was an investigation, and Neal he was getting really hard to handle, and I reacted badly. GABE: He started setting things on fire, hung my mom's catin the garage. So she hit him. ERICA: I lost my temper. But I got the counseling I needed and it never happened again. GABE: None of us knew what was happening. We didn't know Neal was getting sick. ERICA: The counselor thought it might help Neal to have the tail removed. GABE: But by then he wanted to keep it. BOOTH: Why? GABE: He thought he was marked by God. He told people he was the son of Satan. ERICA: Neal was schizophrenic it wasn't his fault. BOOTH: Yeah, well, uh, what about the horns? GABE: When Neal was 16 he went off his meds for the first time and ran away. ERICA: And, uh, when the police found Neal he'd had these horns implanted. We never saw our Neal again, not really. GABE: And when people asked where he got the horns...he said hell. And he's been in and out of the loony bin ever since. ERICA: Havenhurst was a good place wasn't it? Every cent I ever had went to them, for Neal. GABE: He's crazy, but he's my brother. So if they did anything that got him killed; negligent, whatever, they need to be held responsible. (Cam and Arastoo are examining the remains in the examination room) CAM: This section of the peritoneal lining is both thickened and enflamed, which indicated the intestines might have ruptured. ARASTOO: Cause of death? CAM: Hard to tell from sample size. Did you find any fractured bones in the X-rays that might have perforated the intestines? ARASTOO: I don't think so, Dr Saroyan. (Removes victim's shoes) CAM: Whoo! I know that smell. (Inspects victims foot) Yup. Gangrene. I've seen this before, in junkies. They inject between the toes, gets infected. ARASTOO: (Indicates monitor) As you can see there's a fracture on the anterior aspect of the right T5. CAM: There's no way that ruptured the intestines. (Hodgins enters) HODGINS: I finished my analysis of the contents of the boot treads. Within the treads, I found peat moss, sand, and perlite; also known as potting soil, as well as seeds from a plant commonly known as Christmas roses. CAM: Christmas roses, that doesn't sound very Satanic. HODGINS: Yeah, from the genus hellebore. Sorry. Even more interesting though, is the legend that hellebore is the key ingredient in a potion meant to summon the devil. CAM: Hmm, of course it is. (Booth, Brennan, and Sweets are in the car, Brennan is driving) SWEETS: Oh, hey, did I mention that I interned in a mental health facility in Philadelphia? BOOTH: By "interned", do you mean lived in? SWEETS: You know the whole thing about how all psychologists needs psychological help, it's not true. BOOTH: Is there any chance that Hell Boy wasn't crazy but actually possessed? BRENNAN: You mean by a demon? (scoffs) BOOTH: Well, listen, if the pope believes in demonic possession then, you know, I at least gotta ask. SWEETS: I spoke briefly to the victim's psychiatrist. Neal Lowery didn't show any symptoms of demonic possession. BOOTH: Okay, growing horns isn't a sign of possession? BRENNAN: You mean you spoke seriously on the matter to a man with a university education? BOOTH: Evil is out there, Bones. There's just more than one explanation. BRENNAN: Yes, chemical imbalance, poor role models, ignorance. SWEETS: Neal Lowery was a simple schizophrenic, living a simple delusion. BOOTH: See that, simple question, simple answer. Thank you, Sweets. BRENNAN: Mm-hmm. You could have asked him that on the phone. BOOTH: Well, listen, I brought Sweets along so, you know, he could sift through all the crazy-asses at the loony bin, see if any of them are homicidal. SWEETS: I am an excellent loony bin, crazy-ass sifter. (At Havenhurst Sanitarium, outside) ORDERLY: (To patient) You've got to come back inside. BOOTH: Shouldn't these patients be in straight jackets, or rubber rooms? SWEETS: Well, some of the patients are here of their own free will. There will be a more secure lock down section for those who've been committed. BRENNAN: Oh, Booth. BOOTH: Yeah. BRENNAN: Look over there, that's hellebore. (Points) BOOTH: The questions is did Hell Boy trample on those flowers before or after he was dead? BRENNAN: Well, Hell Boy couldn't have trampled on them after he was dead. BOOTH: You sure about that? BRENNAN: Yes. (Lloyed Robertson descends the stairs at the entrance) LLOYD: Agent Booth? BOOTH: Yes? LLOYD: Hi, I'm Lloyd, I'm one of the nurse practitioners. Dr. Copeland's expecting you. (Ushers them inside) (Booth, Brennan and Sweets are climbing the stairs with Dr. Copeland) COPELAND: Neal disappeared the night before last, he didn't show up for his morning meds. SWEETS: So you thought perhaps he bolted that night? COPELAND: Yes. BOOTH: He's escaped before? COPELAND: "Escape" implies incarceration. We prefer the term AWOL. BRENNAN: The man was committed to your insane asylum because he believed he was the mythical embodiment of evil. "Escape" seems accurate. COPELAND: Oh, Neal was genius at finding nooks and crannies that he's hole up in for days. We were hoping he'd done that again, that he'd show up when he got hungry. SWEETS: We'd like to ask your patients and staff if they know anything. COPELAND: Oh. BOOTH: "Oh." Is that a problem? COPELAND: Staff I'm good with. The patients...these are damaged people Agent Booth. Their hold on reality is tenuous. BRENNAN: Well that's why we brought our own psychologist. COPELAND: You're Dr. Sweets? SWEETS: Mm-hmm. COPELAND: You sounded more experienced on the phone. (Booth laughs) BRENNAN: He means you sounded older. SWEETS: I know. BOOTH: I love it. SWEETS: It's not that funny, Booth. BOOTH: I think it is. (The group enters the art room) COPELAND: This is the arts and crafts area. BRENNAN: Well, the work is quite... COPELAND: Disturbing? BRENNAN: Fascinating. BOOTH: Yeah, fascinating. Did, uh, Neal Lowery have any enemies here? The whole presence of the Devil, the tails and the horns. That must've been quite disrupting. SWEETS: Actually schizophrenic hallucinations can be way worse than that. COPELAND: Way, way worse. Yes, one boy with horns would barely register. BOOTH: Well, why don't you just have the horns removed as part of the cure? COPELAND: I thought this would be a significant and visible breakthrough for Neal if he could make the decision without being forced. BOOTH: What do you think Sweets? SWEETS: Oh, I buy it. COPELAND: Thank you Dr. Sweets. You don't think Neal was killed on the grounds do you? That would not be good. BRENNAN: I'm quite certain it wouldn't make any difference to Neal. BOOTH: Neal, did he have any, um, I don't know, fights with uh fellow...people? COPELAND: Uh, physically, no. SWEETS: Arguments? COPELAND: A case of competing delusions, yes, that deteriorated into shouting upon occasion, but nothing more. (To a patient sitting at an easel) Neviah, these people have some questions for you about Neal Lowery, do you feel up to speaking with them? NEVIAH: God warned me you'd be here with questions. SWEETS: God warns you? NEVIAH: Of course. How else would I have know to have this ready for you? (Turns around her painting) SWEETS: Oh! Okay, wow, that's, uh... well, I'm gonna need another word for fascinating. BOOTH: Creepy? SWEETS: So what are we to learn from this, Neviah? BOOTH: You are very, um, you're talented. You're... BRENNAN: Obviously, she's replaced the face of Longinus - the soldier who drove his spear through Christ's side during the crucifixion with her own face. COPELAND: Neviah believes herself to be the earthly manifestation of the angel Uriel. BRENNAN: She's put the murder victim's face in place of the crucified devil. Are you confessing to murder? SWEETS: Do you mind if I conduct the, uh, conversation Dr. Brennan? BRENNAN: No. No, but you might want to know that the placement of the lance here in the victim's side exactly matches the location where the victim was struck in real life. BOOTH: So this is true? NEVIAH: I only tell the truth. As Dr. Copeland told you, I'm an angel. ACT THREE (Outside the interrogation room at Havenhurst, Neviah is sitting at a table on the other side of the window) SWEETS: I just don't think it's wise to have Dr. Brennan present when we question Neviah. BRENNAN: Well, why? COPELAND: What if Neviah told you she was an angel, something she believes with her whole heart, how would you respond? BRENNAN: Well, I'd tell her that angels don't exist except, of course, in works of fiction such as the Bible and in children's books. SWEETS: After which all we'll get from Neviah is argument, no answers. BOOTH: Sweets is right, Bones, you're out. BRENNAN: I have to admit, it's eerie that when I move she follows me as though she knows exactly where I am. COPELAND: That's because she can see you. BOOTH: It's a window, Bones, it's not a two-way mirror. BRENNAN: Oh. BOOTH: Right. BRENNAN: Perhaps I can wait in some other part of your facility? COPELAND: Yes, certainly. BRENNAN: This isn't really a good use of my time. (Sweets and Booth enter the interrogation room) SWEETS: (To orderly allowing them inside the room) Thank you. Neviah, could you describe to me the process by which you create your paintings? NEVIAH: God guides my hand. SWEETS: I would imagine God guides all of your actions, right, you being an angel. NEVIAH: I only exist to do his will. BOOTH: Did you know that Neal Lowery is dead? NEVIAH: Of course. God told me. BOOTH: God told you. SWEETS: Does God speak to you? Does he come to you in visions? NEVIAH: He takes over my body and performs his miracles through me. BOOTH: Did you kill Neal? NEVIAH: He was a demon. I am an avenging angel. It was my duty. I used the Holy lance. SWEETS: Same as in the painting. NEVIAH: Mm-hmm. BOOTH: And where is this lance now? NEVIAH: It's right here. (Indicates empty table) SWEETS: Oh, it's invisible. BOOTH: Right. It's gonna be hard to get fingerprints off that. (Brennan is in the common room observing the patients. A man pushing a cart approaches her) PHILLIP: Hello. Can I offer you, juice, cookies? Uh, perhaps a nice serotonin reuptake inhibitor? BRENNAN: (Laughs) Thank you, but I just ate. PHILLIP: (Shakes her hand) I'm Dr. Phillip Womack. BRENNAN: I'm Dr. Temperance Brennan. Temperance will be fine. PHILLIP: Beautiful name. Unfortunately most patients here don't exhibit much temperance, hence the need to fill them with drugs. BRENNAN: Well I would probably medicate as well if I was forced to interact with psychiatrists all day, no offence. PHILLIP: Well, none taken. Ours is a subjective profession that often marginalizes that importance of empirical data. BRENNAN: It is refreshing to meet a psychiatrist with such a grounded perspective. PHILLIP: Hmm. But I assure you we have been getting very good results with psychopharmacology as well as electroconvulsive therapy. Perhaps you'd like to see? BRENNAN: I would enjoy that immensely. PHILLIP: (Leading her away) Who knows? I may be able to convert you to the wonders of psychiatry. (Brennan laughs) COPELAND: Hello Phillip. I see you've met Dr. Brennan. PHILLIP: Yes. COPELAND: Where were you two going? BRENNAN: Oh, Dr. Womack was going to show me around. COPELAND: I don't know if now is the time, Phillip. Lloyd is distributing the medication. PHILLIP: Yes, I should assist. Perhaps later, Temperance. BRENNAN: I'd like that. (Phillip exits) COPELAND: Did Phillip try to cure you of anything? BRENNAN: He's a patient? COPELAND: For almost 6 years now. Believe it or not he came a long way before plateauing with this delusion. BRENNAN: (Observing Phillip) I thought we had quite a lot in common. PHILLIP: (Distantly, to a patient) That's right. (Arastoo and Cam are in the lab with the remains) CAM: Did you find cause of death? ARASTOO: Looks like the victim was struck in the frontal bone with a weapon approximately 2 centimeters in diameter, possibly the same object that struck him in the ribs. CAM: Okay, so we've got a fracture to the forehead... ARASTOO: And a Colles fracture on the right distal radius. CAM: All delivered by an invisible heavenly lance. ARASTOO: If it was invisible it struck with a mighty force. What if, despite her insanity, what the young woman saw was, in fact, evil? CAM: So you do believe in the Devil. ARASTOO: As I said. CAM: No, you told me what your religion says. ARASTOO: I know Shaitan to be real. I've been in his presence. I look into his eyes every day. (Cam looks uncomfortable) I should put my efforts towards identifying the weapon. CAM: Yes. That would be... good. (Sweets and Angela are studying Neviah's painting) SWEETS: Jung believed that art provides an insight into the unconscious. ANGELA: Yeah, no, I know the drill. I assisted an art therapist in college. You can take one look at Van Gough's "Starry Night" with the dark blues and the violent brush strokes? It's no wonder he killed himself after painting it. But Neviah's work seems conflicted. The central image is straight out of Hieronymus Bosch, but the background is full of warm and vibrant colors. And her brushstrokes are calm. There's no turmoil or rage in her work. SWEETS: It could indicate a cold, measured person. Disconnected from an emotional life that's too painful to confront. ANGELA: Hold on. This is weird. (Indicates the painting) The topography of the paint is unusually thick right here. This could mean that there's something underneath the image. Sometimes when an artist bowdlerizes their own work, infrared refrectography can show us what's under the paint. SWEETS: Oh. Wow. That's uh, that's one of the nurses, from the hospital. ANGELA: He's a demon. SWEETS: Who has just killed the Devil. Neal Lowery. ANGELA: I don't think you need Jung to figure this one out. (Outside Havenhurst, Lloyd approaches in his car) SECURITY GUARD: Hold up, Lloyd! BOOTH: Hey, there, Lloyd, how's it going? LLOYD: Hey. BOOTH: Turn off your vehicle? LLOYD: Sure. What are you doing here? Checking out security tapes to see if Neal vamoosed through the front door? BOOTH: (Holds up photo of Neviah's painting) You recognize this picture? LLOYD: You're not seriously treating this as real evidence are you? BOOTH: What's your relationship with Neal Lowery? LLOYD: (Scoffs) I was nice to the guy, that's my job. I'd - I'd like to go home. BOOTH: No, no, no, would you mind popping the trunk? LLOYD: What? No, not unless you've got a search warrant which I'm guessing you don't. BOOTH: Oh really? Look at this here. Excuse me, Bones. (points to sign) See? "All visitors and employees agree to vehicle search on entry and exit", so we don't need one, right Bones? BRENNAN: We don't need one. BOOTH: Excuse me (Reaches for car keys) let me just grab that for you. You stay nice and comfy in your chair there. (Walks to the trunk) BRENNAN: We found evidence of gangrene between Neal's toes. He was injecting something there. It's a common practice for heroin addicts. BOOTH: Hey, Bones, look at this! Guy's got his own personal dojo back here. BRENNAN: There appear to be the same diameter as the bruise on Neal Lowery's skull. BOOTH: Swords, nun chucks. (Opens compartment in trunk) Well, look at this. Drugs...and heroin. Looks like we found Neal Lowery's heroin dealer. ACT FOUR (Booth and Lloyd in interrogation room) LLOYD: None of that stuff's mine. I mean one of the patients must have planted it in my car. BOOTH: No, no. I really would not advise you going down that route. LLOYD: Well, it's the truth. BOOTH: The truth? Well you know what? We're going to find your fingerprints all over this stuff. So don't get caught in a lie. Right? Right. So why don't we start with the dorky martial arts stuff. LLOYD: Nun chuks and shuriken aren't dorky, all right? They're the weapons of a true master. BOOTH: You see the fact that you just called it "shiruken" just proves my dorky theory. So, drugs. Did you steal them from the hospital pharmacy? LLOYD: No, how do you know I didn't buy them from someone else who stole them? BOOTH: Okay, look. People say you're really a good guy. LLOYD: I am. BOOTH: Yeah, so, what do you say we try and tell the truth? LLOYD: Look, Neal's medications didn't work. Alright, the tranqs, and the antipsychotics, they turned him into a zombie, but they didn't make him feel any better. BOOTH: (Holding up bag of heroin) But, uh, this did? LLOYD: Yeah. Heroin removed his agitation. I mean for the first time you could talk to the guy. BOOTH: Hmm. How did Neal pay for the heroin? LLOYD: I took his meds in exchange. BOOTH: For your own use? LLOYD: No. No I volunteer at a community outreach for the homeless. A lot of those people need meds. BOOTH: You see? You really are a good guy. LLOYD: Yeah, I am. I am a good guy. BOOTH: You are a good guy. The only problem is, these nun chucks? They could probably be the murder weapon. LLOYD: Why would I kill Neal? BOOTH: It doesn't matter if you're a good guy. I mean you're a drug dealer. Drug dealers, they get into arguments with other clients. LLOYD: No, I was helping him. BOOTH: When was the last time you saw him? LLOYD: Uh, in the day room. We talked, and then later that evening his bother came looking for him but he was gone. BOOTH: Mm-hmm. I'm still holding you under controlled substances. LLOYD: You believe I didn't kill Neal, right? BOOTH: It doesn't matter what I believe. It matters what I can prove. [SCENE_BREAK] (In Hodgin's office at the lab, Cam enters) CAM: Anything on the nun chucks? HODGINS: Hmm, they are completely clean. There are dents though, so they've been used. CAM: Can you rule them out as the murder weapon? HODGINS: Are you asking me to do an experiment? CAM: With (sighs) Arastoo... HODGINS: Why are you saying his name like that? CAM: Like what? HODGINS: "Arastoo..." You're chewing on his name. CAM: (Hushed) Arastoo says he looks at the Devil every day. HODGINS: Maybe he has low self-esteem. CAM: Or...you know what they call us right? HODGINS: "They" being... CAM: Muslims. Some Muslims, the ones over there trying to kill us. HODGINS: Yeah, they call us "the Great Satan"...oh. (Arastoo enters) ARASTOO: Look, here, what I found. Radiating micro-fractures in the cartilage of the victim's vestigial tail. CAM: Radiating micro-fractures plus a ruptured intestine? HODGINS: What does that mean? CAM: He was slammed into something. ARASTOO: Perhaps in fact he did wrestle with an archangel...and lose. As it should be, the Devil lost. As he always must. I will inform Dr. Brennan! (exits) CAM: "The Devil lost?" HODGINS: "As he always must"? CAM: What if Arastoo means us? HODGINS: Arastoo is a very sweet, gentle guy, you know? CAM: I know but that doesn't mean that in his heart he doesn't look down on us. Do you want to work with someone who thinks you're the Great Satan? HODGINS: No! I don't want to be the Great Satan! I don't even want to be a minor demon. You want me to talk to him? CAM: Yes. (Sighs) But unfortunately dopey interpersonal crap falls under my job description. (At Havenhurst in the day room) COPELAND: The discrepancies for the pharmacy have always been so small, well within breakage. SWEETS: We understand. BOOTH: We understand? Why do we understand? SWEETS: Well, Lloyd Robertson was a nurse practitioner. He had,uh, pharmacy privileges, right? He cooked the drug log. COPELAND: Patients liked Lloyd, the staff. He honestly wanted to help people. Or at least fooled me into thinking that was the case. BRENNAN: Well, so much for penetrating psychological insights. COPELAND: Can I speak to you for a moment? (Takes Brennan aside) COPELAND: I've listened to you take shots at my profession, and that's okay, I'm a big boy. A tolerant man. But I want you to think about something. I spend every working hour of every day trying to help people who are living in hell. That's an honorable way to spend a life. Perhaps more honorable than figuring out what happened to dead people who are already beyond pain and suffering. BRENNAN: Intentions, however misguided, do count, I understand that. COPELAND: I hope you won't think I'm too picky when I point out that that wasn't an actual apology. But perhaps it's the best you can manage. (they shake hands) BOOTH: Oh, look at that, you're shaking hands. Great, everyone's made up and we're friends now. Great. PHILLIP: (From across the room) No! (Knocks over med cart, is tackled by orderlies) Get away, get away! COPELAND: It's alright Phillip! Do you hear me? Just relax and let the medicine help. (Injects him) PHILLIP: It's not the right medicine! I need the right medicine! COPELAND: What's the right medicine, Phillip? PHILLIP: I want the medicine Lloyd gave me, where's Lloyd? I need the special medicine, I'm a doctor! COPELAND: Lloyd gave you special medicine? PHILLIP: I'm a doctor, I'm a doctor. BOOTH: We're gonna need to search this facility. BRENNAN: I apologize, Dr. Copeland, I apologize for undervaluing your work. (Hodgins and Arastoo are on the forensic platform) HODGINS: (wheeling a crash test dummy) Test number one. Now, I've placed sensors in this dummy to register the impacts of the nun chuck strikes. (Bows to crash test dummy, feigns being a ninja) ARASTOO: Dr. Hodgins, with nun chucks it's very important that you... (Hodgins strikes himself with a nun chuk in the head) HODGINS: Oh! (falls) ARASTOO: Are you alright? HODGINS: Son of a bitch! ARASTOO: As I was saying, nun chuks are deceptively difficult to maneuver if you've had no practice. (Hodgins groans) May I? HODGINS: Huh, okay, well...knock yourself out, I did. (Arastoo takes the nun chuks, wields them perfectly and strikes the dummy) What are you some kind of Persian ninja? (Crawls to monitor, the screen is blurry) That can't be right. (Covers one eye) Oh, okay, yeah, no that's better. ARASTOO: Was this the murder weapon? HODGINS: Uh, the diameter of the weapon matches, but, see, okay, nun chuks swing on an axis, because of the chain, right, which means the force increases exponentially along the length of the striking surface. ARASTOO: But the victim's wound was proportional along the length of the weapon. HODGINS: If Lloyd, the drug dealing nurse, killed Neal, the demonic schizophrenic, then this was not the weapon. ACT FIVE (Sweets has Phillip in the interrogation room at Havenhurst) SWEETS: So how long have you been practicing psychiatry, Dr. Womack? PHILLIP: Well, longer than you have, Dr. Sweets. SWEETS: Yes, my youth has often been an obstacle to gaining trust with patients. PHILLIP: That's why I often pretend to be one of them. SWEETS: Oh, that's interesting. Okay, so in order to gain trust from the patients at the ward, you pretend to be mentally ill yourself. PHILLIP: I'm a natural actor. It helped Lloyd cooperated and treated me like I was a patient instead of his immediate superior. SWEETS: What about Dr. Copeland? PHILLIP: Ethan is a very fine psychiatrist, but he's very conservative when it comes to the distinction between doctor and patient. SWEETS: A traditionalist? PHILLIP: Yes, exactly, Dr. Sweets, exactly.(To Copeland) I'm sorry, Ethan, but this is an official investigation and I must be honest. SWEETS: So you and Lloyd Robertson treated Neal Lowery together? PHILLIP: Only with regard to medication. Neal and I shared a few secrets I did not divulge - patient confidentiality. SWEETS: I don't suppose you'd tell me what? PHILLIP: No, I couldn't possibly. I breached patient confidentiality once and I still feel bad about it. SWEETS: Hmm was this regarding Neal Lowery or...? PHILLIP: I'm sorry Dr. Sweets. I have nothing whatsoever to say on the matter. It's closed. I'll ask that you extend me that professional courtesy. SWEETS: Sure. (Cam and Arastoo are in the bone examination room) CAM: You found something? ARASTOO: Yes. Cause of death. CAM: Excellent, what was happened? ARASTOO: First I'd like to clarify something. After we talked about my beliefs you were clearly upset. CAM: What? No that's not... true. ARASTOO: My words could have been construed as a Muslim referring to America as the Great Satan. CAM: I'm not familiar with that phrase. Could we get back to this? ARASTOO: I found micro-fractures on the metacarpals on the same arm with the Colles fracture. I love this country Dr. Saroroyan. When I said I see the Devil's face daily... You know I served as a translator in Iraq? Normal day milk run to an outlying village to talk about water and an IED took out our Humvee. CAM: Oh my God. ARASTOO: Two dead, three wounded and I was the only one left conscious. I'm a translator, I use words, but coming towards us with an AK-47, an insurgent. He raised it intending to finish us off. CAM: And that was the Devil? ARASTOO: No no. I shot this man in the heart. The Devil, that evil, I saw it in his eyes, sure, but it was in me too when I pulled that trigger. CAM: You were defending your unit Mr. Vaziri. ARASTOO: This man lay dead at my feet. I searched his body for identification and I found a photograph of him with his little boy, his wife laughing. A family. Tell me that the Devil did not win on that day. CAM: You didn't lose your faith. You pray five times a day. ARASTOO: I have to believe that Allah will show me how to live. (He goes to the body) I found micro-fractures on the maxillary and mandibular. CAM: He was electrocuted? ARASTOO: The current must have passed through his hand, traveled across his body, then out his backside. CAM: It was the muscle spasms that caused his intestines to rupture. I should let Dr. Brennan know right away. ARASTOO: Of course. CAM: I did...think that - wonder if you considered us to be the Great Satan. I am familiar with that phrase. ARASTOO: I know. I was there when you told Dr. Hodgins that his t-shirt which read: "I am with the Great Satan" is not suitable work attire. (Sweets and Brennan are outside Havenhurst with Copeland) SWEETS: Was Neal Lowery receiving shock therapy? COPELAND: No, why? BRENNAN: Neal Lowery died from being electrocuted. COPELAND: Oh, ECT equipment generates a maximum 225 volts. And there's a failsafe mechanism. BRENNAN: Our analysis indicates that Neal Lowery endured an extended shock of at least 480 volts. Is there anywhere in this complex where 480 volts might be generated? COPELAND: I think it would be best if we get an electrical engineer to answer that. SWEETS: There's a guy in Ward 4 who believes he's Thomas Edison. (Brennan laughs, Copeland looks unamused) Sorry. (Brennan, Hodgins, and Angela are in Angela's office) ANGELA: These are the electrical plans for the retrofit that was completed at Havenhurst 15 years ago. HODGINS: All the wiring and the breakers, there's nothing morethan 225 volts. ANGELA: Well I'm scanning the original plans. And they're from 1908. (the scans of the plans appear on the screen) Okay. So on the original blueprints there was a fourwire 600 volt transformer in the basement. The southwest corner of the basement where the old generator is installed was sealed off. HODGINS: Except for these all-access panels. ANGELA: Yeah, but they'd need those in case of a fire. BRENNAN: Dr. Copeland said that Neal Lowery had a knack for searching out nooks and crannies to hide out in. (Brennan, Booth, Sweets, and Copeland are in the basement of Havenhurst) BRENNAN: Okay the access panel should be down this corridor to the left. BOOTH: (Tries light switch, nothing happens) Oh, you got to be kidding me. SWEETS: Wait. (Pulls out Iphone and selects a "flashlight" app) Ha-ha! I also have an app that gives you songs titles. All you have to do is hum a few notes... BOOTH: Maybe later okay? BRENNAN: Okay, it should be behind all this. (Indicates pile of old equipment. Booth moves it aside and they all step through.) BOOTH: Look at that. Check this out. (Indicates drug paraphernalia on the floor) Someone was cooking heroin. SWEETS: So maybe Phillip follows Neal down here sees him using, decides to administer a little electroshock on the spot? BRENNAN: Burnt flesh on the transformer. And blood on the water pipe. Booth? BOOTH: Yeah? COPELAND: Oh my God. BRENNAN: The electrical circuit must have been completed when Neal backed into this water pipe. SWEETS: (Flashes phone over a bloodied pipe) Look what I found. (Booth discovers a hanging chain for a red light bulb. He pulls the chain and the room is bathed in red light, revealing the words "Welcome to Hell" written on the wall in what appears to be blood.) BOOTH: "Welcome to Hell". ACT SIX (Brennan, Sweets, and Angela are In Angela's office) ANGELA: I ran a simulation of the electrocution based on the current that was generated by the equipment at Havenhurst. (Runs the simulation, Neal survives the electrocution.) SWEETS: Wait, but he's not dead. ANGELA: Yeah I know. Based on Neal's age and weight plus the clothes he was wearing, that current would've thrown him clear. He should have survived. BRENNAN: Plus the muscular contortions and spasms were nowhere near violent enough to fracture his wrist. SWEETS: So, then what happened? BRENNAN: What if Neal Lowery wasn't wearing his rubber-soled boots? ANGELA: Okay, give me a second. SWEETS: You know I just don't think that someone who just shot himself up with heroin is likely to uh, put his boots on. BRENNAN: Why? SWEETS: Well 'cause he's "on the nod". That means that he uh, vomits and succumbs to the euphoria. ANGELA: Wow, listen to you, all "street". BRENNAN: Maybe Phillip administered the heroin to Neal as though it were some kind of legitimate medicine. SWEETS: No, between the toes, that's not legitimate. ANGELA: The guy is crazy, Sweets. SWEETS: But he's consistent. Phillip operates rationally behind his delusions. He believes he's a doctor. BRENNAN: Angela can you call up a photo of Neal's boots as they were found on the remains? ANGELA: Mm-hmm. BRENNAN: (approaches the screen and points) Uh, here. ANGELA: Okay, lemme get in closer. BRENNAN: Neal Lowery was left-handed, he didn't tie these shoes. SWEETS: What? How can you tell? BRENNAN: Well, a left-handed person double knotting, the second knot would loop behind. This one loops in front. ANGELA: Yeah, but still, it must have been a left-handed person that tied the knot. Only, he or she must have been facing the victim. SWEETS: Oh, that is amazing. I think, it's al- it's also very confusing. ANGELA: I am ready to run the simulation with the boots removed from the equation. (Runs the simulation, this time Neal is killed.) BRENNAN: That's it. He was electrocuted first, and then his boots put back on after he was dead. SWEETS: Double knots, that's the way someone would treat a child. ANGELA: I say we're looking for somebody left-handed. BRENNAN: I say the killer may have left his or her DNA on the laces. (Sweets is with Erica in the observation room at the FBI office. Gabe is behind the window in the interrogation room.) ERICA: It's not possible. It's just not possible. Gabe wouldn't kill his brother. SWEETS: Mrs. Lowery, what you and your family have went through, it's almost unbearable. ERICA: Gabe loved his brother, why would he do such a thing? SWEETS: We know that Gabe went to visit Neal the night he disappeared. We believe that there was another patient named Phillip who told Gabe about Neal's hide out in the basement. Gabe found Neal shooting up heroin. Gabe struck Neal with a pipe, Neal fell back into a transformer and was electrocuted. ERICA: But the church? The burning on the altar? SWEETS: We all become angry at God sometimes Mrs. Lowery. ERICA: Who could blame him? Why did God do this to my family? We were good people. And then...this. SWEETS: I'm sorry for your pain. ERICA: You? You can't even imagine my pain. (Booth and Brennan are at the diner, drinking coffee) BRENNAN: I need to ask you some things. BOOTH: You gonna ask me about God and the Devil? BRENNAN: Yes. BOOTH: You're going to ask me how God could place such a burden on good people. BRENNAN: No, I'm going to ask you how you can still believe in a kind God after a case like this. BOOTH: Was my faith shaken? Yeah. Mm-hmm. It is. BRENNAN: It is? BOOTH: Yeah. I'll go home tonight and I'll lie in bed, and I'll toss, and I'll turn, and I'll beat myself up, and uh...I'll question everything. BRENNAN: Will you get your faith back? BOOTH: Always have in the past. BRENNAN: So you have faith that you will retain your faith. (Booth nods) Why? BOOTH: Because, Bones, it's...the sun will come up, and tomorrow's a new day. BRENNAN: (laughs) I know that feeling. BOOTH: Really? BRENNAN: Mm-hmm. BOOTH: You know what it feels like to get your faith back? BRENNAN: When I see effects and I am unable to discern the cause, my faith in reason and consequences is shaken. BOOTH: And then what happens? BRENNAN: Two plus two equals four. I put sugar in my coffee and it tastes sweet. The sun comes up because the world turns. These things are beautiful to me. There are mysteries I will never understand, but everywhere I look, I see proof that for every effect there is a corresponding cause. Even if I can't see it. I find that reassuring. BOOTH: And life is good again. BRENNAN: Life is very good. BOOTH: Yes it is. (Both laugh) END.	Plan: A: Brennan; Q: Along with Booth, who investigates the remains of a demon-like body? A: a church; Q: Where were the remains of a demon-like body found? A: The case; Q: What causes intern Arastoo Vaziri to talk about his beliefs about good and evil? A: Havenhurst Sanitarium; Q: Where was the victim committed? A: schizophrenia; Q: What illness did the victim have? A: Arastoo Vaziri; Q: Who reveals a secret he has been keeping for many years? Summary: Booth and Brennan investigate the remains of a demon -like body found in a church that has horns and a tail. The case leads them to Havenhurst Sanitarium, where the victim was committed, as he had schizophrenia . The case causes intern Arastoo Vaziri to talk about his beliefs of good and evil and he reveals a secret he has been keeping for many years.
Outside Emma's House (Emma is reading a book.) Spike: (From Inside) It's time! Emma: It's time? (Realizes what this means and runs inside the house) In the garage Snake: It's time! (Runs into the house) Inside Emma's House (Snake and Emma run into the living room, Spike is breathing heavily. Emma holds Spike's hand, Snake picks up the phone and begins dialing.) Snake: (On the phone) Uhh, Liz! Liz! Liz, it's Snake, Spike's going into labor, we need you here ASAP. Emma: Ok. (Runs to get a mattress.) Spike: Ok... Midwife. (Snake takes her hand) There we go. Emma: (Entering with mattress) Remember Mom, breathe. 1, 2, 3. Snake: Tell me when you experience contractions. Spike: NOW! Snake: (Goes to get something, but trips over the mattress) Emma: Leave it, I'll get the supplies. (She returns with a laundry basket full of supplies and starts taking them out.) Emma: Ok We've got a plastic drop sheet, heating pad... Snake: Em. Emma: ...Almond oil. Snake: Emmy, this is just a drill Emma: (Major disbelief) Again? (Snake breaks down in laughter.) Emma: You've been drilling us all summer. Spike: (Indignant) This having a home birth thing is a pretty huge deal. Sorry if it's putting you out. Emma: And I'm sorry for getting in the way of your perfect delivery. (She storms out) Emma's Basement, her new room (Emma is lying in bed, Spike comes down the stairs.) Spike: Em? Better get ready. Gonna be late for your first day. Emma: (Groggily) I know, mom. Thanks. Spike: And don't forget, the baby shower's tonight at Joey's. Emma: Baby shower, how could I forget? (Spike exits, Emma's alarm clock rings and she turns it off.) Outside Degrassi (Craig is taking pictures of students. Paige and Spinner are kissing.) Paige: So, this is it. The start of grade 10, a whole new year. I'm just so happy I have you to share it with. Spinner: Me too, honeybee. (Ellie and Marco are sitting on a bench.) Ellie: Honeybee? Did he say honeybee? Craig: Yeah. I bet you guys have pet names too. (He tries to snap a picture of Ellie and Marco, but Ellie get her camera out like in a shootout and manages to get Craig first. She blows on it like a smoking gun.) In the school parking lot Sean: I thought you didn't mind moving. Emma: It's not about the room Sean, I'm just sick of them making me feel like a second class citizen. Sean: Well, maybe you should tell them. Emma: Right. Mom's half crazy with 9-months-pregnant hormones, and Snake doesn't want anything to upset her. Sean: Well then maybe he's right. Maybe for now you should just suck it up. Inside Degrassi (Hazel, Paige, and Spinner are picking up class lists.) Paige: I wonder which homeroom we get this year. Hazel: I hope it's Armstrong, he's so cute! Paige: Easy there, hormone girl, he's a teacher. (Inspects the list) Sorry, Simpson again. Marco: Believe me guys, it could be worse. Spinner: Oh, the pain of my existence. (Ms Kwan turns around.) Ms. Kwan: The word is "bane" Gavin. Don't worry I'll tell you what it means in class. Grade 9 English, that is. Again. Spinner: Yeah, go ahead guys, laugh at the big fat failing dummy. Paige: No one was laughing at you. Jimmy: I was. Paige: Don't listen to him, Spin. Fail English, no biggie. Fail gym, then we need to talk. (She kisses him and exits) (Spinner buries his head in his hands.) Ms Hatzilakos's classroom (Ms. Hatzilakos is handing out locker keys, she hands JT his and he walks back to his seat.) Ms. Hatzilakos: (Reading names) Liberty Van-Zandt. Toby: So JT, which lovely lady will you be going after this year? JT: Well, there's Ms. Hot-zilakos, always tempting. (Ms. Hatzilakos continues calling out names.) JT: And then there's the tangy Ms. Kwan. Manny: JT, charming as always. Ms. Hatzilakos: Chris Sharp. Chris: Here. (Goes to the front of the class) Ms. Hatzilakos: Here's your locker, Chris. And your locker number. Chris: Thanks. Ms. Hatzilakos: Emma Simpson. Emma: You mean Emma Nelson? Ms. Hatzilakos: Oh, I have you down as Simpson. Emma: That's a mistake. Ms. Hatzilakos: Ok. Emma: I mean, just because Mr. Simpson married my mom doesn't mean I automatically took his name. She didn't even do that. Ms. Hatzilakos: O...kay Emma: I mean, hello? Feminism? Ms. Hatzilakos: Emma, there was just some confusion at the front office. That's all. Now regarding locker assignments, I've placed a map of the corridor in the back, please have a look at it before you leave today, and if you have any questions or problems, come and see me after class. In a rundown corridor Paige: You've got to be kidding me. This is where my locker is? Smack dab in the middle of "The Wasteland?" Spinner: Well, it's got a nice... Paige: Smell? (She opens her locker and finds a rat inside and screams in shock. People around start laughing.) Paige: There's something alive in there. Random Student: Nice one. Spinner: (Inspects the rat, it's just a toy on a string) It's not this rat, honey. Paige: This is terrible, I cannot live here. Hazel: It's just for one year. Paige: Easy for you to say, your locker's off the girls' bathroom, I'd give anything to be there. I have to go now. (She leaves) (Hazel starts to go, but Spinner pulls her back.) Spinner: Hazel, you're Paige's best friend, right? You don't like to see her in pain, right? Hazel: No. Spinner: Then you won't have any problem giving her your locker. Hazel: Um, I'd rather die than live here. Spinner: Ok, it's our 4-month anniversary in five days, and I need to get her a great gift, so can't you just... Hazel: So, go buy her a pony. (She exits) P.A.: Attention students, club signups are starting now. At the club fair (Snake is holding an insect sculpture trying to persuade people to sign up for the insect club.) Snake: (Talking to a kid who is ignoring him and walking away) Sign up? Maybe later? Cool. (Gives a thumbs-up) (Emma is leafing through a book.) Craig: Hey, whatcha got? Emma: Just an old yearbook from the eighties. Craig: Ok, that I gotta see. (He looks at the book) Oh my god, it's Joey with hair. Ashley: Isn't that your mom? Her hair's insane. I think that should be my style. Craig: Don't make me take this book away. Ashley: Kidding. (Kisses him) Emma: (Looking at a photo of Shane McKay) Ashley: Friend of your mom's? Emma: No, ex-boyfriend. Can we drop it? Craig: Why? What'd he do? (Emma doesn't respond.) Craig: Ok, well I guess we'll have to ask Mr. Simpson. Hey, Mr. S! Emma: Fine. He got my mom pregnant and then took off. Ashley: That's your dad? Emma: Shane McKay. But I only met him once, when I was three. We visited him at work. He was a doctor and it didn't go well. Flashback to Shane's office (3 year old Emma is playing with a small pink ball and watching Spike and Shane argue.) Shane: Well, I just think you're talking about Emma like she can't hear you right now, and that wasn't the deal at all. Spike: You know what? I think it's a little confusing for her. Maybe you should think about that. Shane: Well I think she can hear you right now you're pretending she can't. Maybe we can talk about this another time. (The ball rolls out of Emma's hands and stops near Shane.) Shane: I refuse to not be involved in this child's life. (He stomps on the ball) She needs me. Back to present Ashley: So he's not around at all? Emma: Never. But (something?) just... to wonder. At Caitlin's Workplace Caitlin: (On her phone, walking through the halls) It must be (something?) (Mmkay Hangs up) Worker: (Handing her a clipboard) For you. Caitlin: Why did I take this job? Joey: Probably because you missed TO, and your family, your friends, and uh, I think it's because you missed me. Caitlin: What? Nice to see you haven't lost your confidence. Joey: Look Caitlin, I don't want to rush you but we gotta get going if we're going to get my place ready for Spike's baby shower Caitlin: Yeah, um, you're really going to hate me, (hands him a box of supplies) but I have a major deadline. Joey: Oh, no no no, come on. No, you suckered me into hosting this thing, now you want me to decorate it too? (A woman walks by and hands Caitlin more thing which she puts into the box. Caitlin's phone rings.) Caitlin: (Answering the phone) Caitlin Ryan. Uh yeah, um, he's going to call me back. Emma's House (Snake is painting Emma's old room for the baby.) Snake: (Singing) Strange animal, that's what I know (begins humming) ...Strange animal. (Emma enters.) Snake: Old room's looking pretty good, huh? Emma: Did you change my name at school? Snake: Pardon me? Emma: Today during attendance, Ms. Hatzilakos said "Emma Simpson" Spike: (Entering with a sandwich and soda for Snake) I'm sure it was a mistake Em, the office probably just got confused. Emma: How? Unless Snake said something. Snake: Uh, no. The new secretary does know you're my daughter. Emma: But I'm not your daughter. Snake: Em, what's going on? Emma: I'm his stepdaughter, I only have one dad, and he's not here. Spike: Shane? (Snake opens the soda loudly.) Emma: Yeah. Spike: He's had nothing to do with you for ten years. Emma: Eleven. And a lot can change in eleven years. Spike: Where are you going with this? Emma: I don't know, I just thought it might be nice to actually know who he is. Or where? Spike: No. I'm sorry, but no. That's not going to happen. Emma: Mom... Spike: End of Story. (Emma exits.) Snake: Honey, one day we're just going to have to tell her the truth. Snake: Yeah, Piece of cake. Outside Joey's House (Someone carrying a gift basket for Jack rings the doorbell.) Inside Joey's house, the baby shower... Caitlin: (Filming Spike) Door. Spike: (In a funny voice, waving to camera) My bel-ly. (Turns to her friends) I'm having him at home. Lucy: A home birth? With no epidural? Liz: You don't need it, you just breathe right through the pain. Heather: So Spike, aren't you scared? Spike: Why would I be? I've got the best midwife in all of Canada: Liz. Lucy: Well, you're a braver woman than I am. Ok, it's gift time. Open my present. (Hands Spike a gift) Heather: Or you can open mine. (Hands her a gift too) Spike: Ok, one at a time (Caitlin accidentally spills her drink on herself, and grads a napkin to wipe it up.) Sydney: Oh, try club soda on it. I'm Sydney. Caitlin: I always do this. Hi. Caitlin. (They shake hands) I'm a very old friend of Spike's. Sydney: Then you know Joey too? Caitlin: Do I? Sydney: I guess you know him well. Caitlin: It's one of those unrequited romances. Well, requited, then unrequited, requited again, on, off, revolving door. Sydney: Oh yeah um, one of those. Caitlin: I actually just moved back here, so I guess we'll see. Joey: (Comes over and kisses Sydney) Hey, you made it. Caitlin, this is Sydney. Caitlin: The new girlfriend. Sydney: Right. Joey: Sydney, this is Caitlin. Caitlin: An old friend. Sydney: Yeah. Caitlin: Yes. Sydney: Can I help with the snacks, Joe? Joey: Yeah, that's be great. Thank you. Come on, Ang. Caitlin: It was nice meeting you. (Emma is sitting on a couch boredly knitting. Caitlin comes up to her.) Caitlin: Having a good time? Emma: Yeah. Great. Amazing. Caitlin: Uh, this is Caitlin you're talking to, so for real. What's on your mind? Emma: What do you know about Shane McKay? Caitlin: That's a question for your mom. Emma: I asked, and she won't answer. Caitlin: Then I can't either. Snake: Caitlin! I want to open your gift now. Emma: Come on. I need to know. Caitlin: I'm sorry. (Walks over to Snake) [SCENE_BREAK] Late at night, Emma's room (Emma tries to fall asleep but can't, she turns on the computer and searches "McKay, Shane Andrew" on "Canada's People Finder" but no matched come up. She takes out "Andrew" but still no matches. Finally, she changes "Shane" to "Dr. Shane" and one match comes up. She smiles.) Next day, in Degrassi (Marco is fixing his hair in a mirror in his locker, Spinner approaches.) Spinner: Dude, I cracked it. I know how to get Hazel's locker. Marco: (Doesn't look up) Oh, cool. How? Spinner: Ok, I was playing Monopoly last night. I needed Park Place from Kendra, but I didn't have enough money. Marco: Sounds familiar. Spinner: Anyway, she needed Atlantic, which my dad had, and he needed Vermont, which I had. So... Marco: You traded your dad for Atlantic, and... Spinner: Gave it to Kendra for Park Place. Property, dude, property. Anyways, so I planned out a series of trades. I call it (Holds up a diagram) Operation Locker Storm. Marco: Spin, what can I say? You're a genius. Ms. Kwan's classroom (Someone throws a paper airplane at JT. He throws it back.) Emma: Sean, I found Shane's address. Shane: Cool. Emma: I know, I barely slept last night, so come on, we gotta... Sean: Whoa, easy. I got grade 10 shop after this. Emma: Don't you think that finding my birth dad is a little more important? Sean: Emma, why skip? We'll go this weekend. (Emma turns to leave.) Sean: Emma... Emma: Fine. Whatever. I wouldn't want you to get in trouble. (Bell rings, Ms. Kwan enters.) Ms Kwan: Class, can we please settle down and get to work? In the hallway (JT and Toby are talking, Spinner approaches.) Spinner: JT! Isaacs! I'm conducting a locker poll. Grade your locker for me, JT. JT: (Opens his locker and Toby and Spinner look inside) OK, A for quality, D for location. I ask you, where are the ladies? Spinner: Well, I have a locker that happens to be grade F for quality, but grade A for ladies. You like tough chicks? JT: (Shrugs) Yeah. Spinner: (Turns JT's head towards his) You like tough chicks? JT: Do I? Spinner: Good. (Slams the locker shut) (It opens and he's at Chris's locker now.) Spinner: Chris, I could get you a locker right next to the MI lab. I mean, I know someone willing to give theirs up. Chris: It would save me time carrying my LP's back and forth, but naw. The ladies are cool. Spinner: (Sees Chris's poster of DJ MadBullets) DJ MadBullets, huh? Hear that rare jam session he did in Paris last year? Chris: Tough still. Spinner: Oh it is, and uh, I've got a rare bootleg copy with your name on it. For the locker. Chris: Alright, alright, aright. Spinner: G-Dawg represent. (He walks away) (Chris closes his locker. When it opens again, Spinner is now at Hazel's locker.) Hazel: Beg, plead, whatever. I'm not slumming it all year in the wasteland. Spinner: Ok, that's good, because I got you a locker in the lanes, Degrassi's coolest neighborhood. Hazel: For boys. For girls, this is the place. It's close to our office, (Shot of a few girls entering the girls' bathroom) near the courtyard, natural light... Spinner: Yeah, but, (Leaning in close) come on. The lanes are so pretty with the red and orange lockers, and... (He realizes he's not going to sell it, and steps away. He gets down on his knees and begins to beg) Ok, forget Paige, forget the lanes, I need this because it's the only thing I can give her. Please? Hazel: Fine, whatever. (Spinner runs off cheering and skipping.) Elsewhere in Degrassi Emma: Craig, what are you doing right now? Craig: Going to art class. Emma: Do you really want to go? Craig: Instead of... Emma: Finding my father. I've got his address. (Craig looks reluctant.) Emma: Sean won't got with me, and Manny's mom would kill her if she skipped. Craig: Oh yeah? And what do you think Joey's going to do to me? Emma: I can't go alone. Craig: But why me? I mean, you could ask JT, or Toby... Emma: Because I thought you'd understand, with your dad and all. Craig: (Smiles) So what are we waiting for? (Craig and Emma are shown leaving school and running across various streets until they reach their destination.) Craig: Ok, so just go up, ring the bell, introduce yourself, and I'll be right here. Emma: I cannot believe this is real. I'm actually going to meet him. (Emma and Craig walk up to the house and Emma rings the bell. The door opens.) Emma: Hi, I'm Emma... (She realizes it's not the person from the yearbook) Dr. McKay: And I'm Dr. McKay. How may I help? (Emma doesn't respond.) Emma's House Emma: My mom will be home any second. Craig: There's got to be a record here somewhere. Emma: Ok, records, um hospitals? Craig: Schools? Police stations? I don't know? Emma: Snake is the chair of the alumni committee. He's got this huge address book. Craig: Ok, I'll look out for your mom. (Emma gets on Snake's computer and find "McKay, Shane" on the list. She clicks it.".) Emma: Found it! Shane McKay, 1405 Shaw Ave... Stouffville? (She writes it down.) Degrassi hallways (Spinner is leading Paige with his hand over her eyes.) Spinner: Ok, ok. Come on, come on, come on. Paige: Ok, ok, ok. I'm going to fall. Spinner: No you won't. (Narrowly avoids a collision) Ok (Removes his hands from her eyes.) Okay, I know it's early, but (He opens the locker) happy anniversary! (On the inside, the locker looks rundown) Paige: (Confused) There's nothing inside. Spinner: Yeah, we have to move your stuff first. Paige: Wait, let's throw it in reverse here. The locker is my gift? Spinner: Well yeah, I mean it's prime real estate, I mean you have your office right there... Paige: O-kay, location perfect, the locker? No. (Spinner looks crestfallen.) Paige: Oh, but you're so sweet for trying. (She looks over at Jimmy's locker. He's got an electronic lock on his.) Spinner: I didn't know you had a locker here. Jimmy: Not a locker. The locker. (On the inside, there's a fresh coat of paint and it looks much better kept.) Paige: Mmm, now that is prime real estate. Jimmy: Yeah? Well, keep dreaming. 'Cause it's never going to happen. Paige: We'll see. I happen to know a miracle worker. (Puts her arms around Spinner..) (Cut to a montage of Emma and Craig traveling by train. When they get up, they find Shane's house and walk towards it.) Emma: I don't even know what to call him. Shane? Dr. McKay? Do I shake hands? Hug him? What if he's married and has a bunch of kids? What if he doesn't like me? Craig: Em, stop it. Inside the house (It's more like a doctor's office than a residence. A nurse runs by, and Emma tries to stop her.) Emma: Uh, hi. We're looking for Shane McKay. Nurse: Do you have an appointment? Emma: No. (We hear the noise of a heart monitor detecting no pulse. Several medics run by.) Medic #1: Room 115. Medic #2: We have a code red. Nurse: Hold on. (The Nurse turns to go after the medics.) Craig: (Looks at the list of rooms, and sees "S. McKay") Room 209. Go. (Emma doesn't move.) Craig: Go! (Prods Emma) I'll cover! (Emma runs up the stairs to room 209. The door is open a little, and inside the room is a man pacing around and continuously adjusting a plate of food.) Emma: (Knocks on the door. When the man doesn't respond, she lets herself in) Hi. I'm looking for Shane McKay. Man: What can I do for you? I'm Shane McKay.	Plan: A: The Simpson-Nelson household; Q: Who prepares for the arrival of the new baby? A: Spike; Q: Who wants to have a home birth? A: the new school year; Q: What is the first day of? A: Emma; Q: Who decides to ditch school with Craig to find her real father? A: Snake's daughter; Q: What is Emma mistaken for? A: Shane McKay; Q: Who is Emma's real father? A: a hard time; Q: What is Spinner having finding the perfect gift for Paige? Summary: The Simpson-Nelson household prepares for the arrival of the new baby when Spike announces that she wants to have a home birth. On the first day of the new school year, Emma becomes irritated that people keep mistaking her as Snake's daughter, so she decides to ditch school with Craig and find her real father, Shane McKay. When she does ultimately find him, she is not prepared for what she sees. Meanwhile, Spinner is having a hard time finding the "perfect" gift for Paige and decides to get her a new locker.
IMAGE OF THE FENDAHL BY: CHRIS BOUCHER Part Four Running time: 20:32 [SCENE_BREAK] LEELA: What's happening? Why can't we move? DOCTOR: Shush. It's psychotelekinetic. It controls your muscles telepathically. TYLER: It's only loaded with rock salt. DOCTOR: No matter. It's confused that I can still move. Shut your eyes. Shut your eyes! Now concentrate on your legs, and when I shout, run! DOCTOR: Run! Come on! LEELA: I can't. TYLER: I'm trying. LEELA: I can't move my legs. DOCTOR: Run for your life! TYLER: Come on, Gran. DOCTOR: Rock salt. [SCENE_BREAK] COLBY: Thea? Thea! MOSS: No! No! Don't do that! Don't do that! Argh! COLBY: Move, man! Why don't you move? STAEL: This is not how it should be. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Well done. Well done. That sort of control's almost impossible to break. TYLER: What was it? LEELA: The Fendahl. DOCTOR: No, it wasn't. It was a Fendahleen. It was the same think that killed the hiker and Mitchell. It can only have been created out of pure energy while the skull was restructuring Thea's brain. TYLER: What's he talking about? DOCTOR: What's that for? TYLER: Oh, I dunno, but it comes from Fendelman's laboratory. MARTHA: It goes down to the cellar by the look of it. DOCTOR: That's it! Leela, you'd better come with me. Jack, stay with your grandma. We'd better find out what's going on down there. TYLER: You're all right, Gran. MARTHA: You know summat, John? There's going to come a time when I'll be too old for this sort of thing. [SCENE_BREAK] COLBY: Hmm? DOCTOR: Shush. Shush. Get him out of here as soon as you can. Whatever you do, don't look at her eyes. Shush. Don't look at her eyes. COLBY: What about the others? We can't just leave them. LEELA: Leave that to the Doctor. Come on. STAEL: Help me. COLBY: Come on, man. Get out while you still can! LEELA: Get out of here! Will you get out! STAEL: Help DOCTOR: Come on. Come on. It's too late. You've seen her eyes. STAEL: The gun. DOCTOR: What? STAEL: Give me the gun. DOCTOR: It won't have any effect on her. STAEL: It's on the altar. It's not for her. It's for me. DOCTOR: I'm sorry. STAEL: Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] TYLER: What's happened? What's happening now? LEELA: There are Fendahleen everywhere. MARTHA: You all right, Professor? You look a bit peaky. COLBY: This is all your fault, do you know that? Stupid old witch. TYLER: Hey, you watch your mouth, boy. MARTHA: Oh, don't worry, John. He's only frightened like the rest of us. LEELA: Quiet. Listen. COLBY: Look, don't you threaten me, you swede-bashing cretin. LEELA: Listen! You nearly got us all killed down there. Now be quiet, or you'll get yourself killed up here! LEELA: Oh, I'm glad to see you. DOCTOR: Put that away. You almost got us killed down there. COLBY: It has been mentioned. DOCTOR: Shush. (to Martha) The darkness, is it all around us? MARTHA: No. Only down there, where you just come from. But it's getting darker slowly. DOCTOR: Come on. Let's have a look at the one I assaulted. MARTHA: Oh, must we? DOCTOR: Hmm, beautiful. COLBY: Beautiful? DOCTOR: Yes, sodium chloride. Obviously affects the conductivity, ruins the overall electrical balance and prevents control of localised disruption to the osmotic pressures. LEELA: Salt kills it. DOCTOR: I just said that. Probably the origin of throwing it over your shoulder. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Whew. Well, I've saved the planet, but we're too late for the Fendahl. LEELA: Well, if we can kill one, we can kill the rest. DOCTOR: Oh no, that was just a lucky shot up the throat. It's not a throat of course LEELA: Look, Doctor, good marksmanship is not a matter of luck. DOCTOR: True, but that was just an isolated Fendahleen, comparatively weak. What's in the cellar is the Fendahl, the gestalt. TYLER: The what? COLBY: A gestalt is a group creature. It's made up of separate parts, but when they join together they make a new and much more powerful creature. TYLER: He reads a lot, you know. DOCTOR: Shush. Got it. According to the legends of Gallifrey, and the superstitions of this planet, it's fairly certain that the Fendahl is made up of twelve Fendahleen and a core. COLBY: Thea. DOCTOR: Well, yes, what was Thea. It's no longer Thea no more than. I killed one, and Stael shot himself. There are only ten left. LEELA: Are you saying the Fendahl is not yet complete? DOCTOR: Yes, we've still got a chance. Jack? TYLER: Yeah? DOCTOR: Any more of those salt-filled cartridges? TYLER: No, there are just two shot filled ones. DOCTOR: I need rock salt, quickly. MARTHA: 'Ere, have you two got they charms I give 'ee? LEELA: Yes. MARTHA: Give them to me. TYLER: What is it? MARTHA: Rock salt. DOCTOR: Mrs Tyler, you're wonderful. Jack, fix those cartridges. Now, Mrs Tyler, I need as much salt as you can find. Rock salt, table salt. Fill as many containers as you can. Off you go. MARTHA: Yes, right. DOCTOR: Jack? Now listen very carefully. Go out into the corridor and keep watch. When you see the Fendahleen, don't hang around. Give it both barrels and run. Off you go. DOCTOR: Leela? LEELA: Yes? DOCTOR: Go with him. COLBY: Did you say that about twelve million years ago, on a nameless planet which no longer exists, evolution went up a blind alley? DOCTOR: Yes. COLBY: Natural selection turned back on itself and a creature evolved which prospered by absorbing the energy wavelengths of life itself? DOCTOR: Mmm. COLBY: It ate life? All life, including that of its own kind? DOCTOR: Yes. In other words, the Fendahl. And then the Time Lords decided to destroy the entire planet, and hid the fact from posterity. They're not supposed to do that sort of thing, you know. [SCENE_BREAK] LEELA: Listen. [SCENE_BREAK] COLBY: So when the Time Lords acted, it was too late. The Fendahl had already come here. DOCTOR: Yes, probably taking in Mars on it's way through. COLBY: Then it got itself buried, but not killed. DOCTOR: The Fendahl is death. How do you kill death? No, what happened was this. The energy amassed by the Fendahl was stored in the skull and dissipated slowly as a biological transmutation field. Now, any appropriate lifeform that came within the field was altered so that it ultimately evolved into something suitable for the Fendahl to use. COLBY: Are you saying that skull created man? DOCTOR: No, I'm saying it may have effected his evolution. [SCENE_BREAK] TYLER: I can't hear nothing. LEELA: Shush. There's something coming this way. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: That would explain the dark side of man's nature. But it's just a theory. COLBY: A pretty wild one. DOCTOR: It's more fun that way. [SCENE_BREAK] LEELA: Now, Jack, as soon as you see it, fire, and we shall run. TYLER: Look! LEELA: Don't look at her, Jack! Fire the gun! TYLER: I can't. LEELA: Don't look at her! TYLER: I can't. LEELA: Jack, give me the gun. TYLER: I can't. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Almost there. Oh, if you want an alternative explanation, the Fendahl fed into the RNA of certain individuals the instincts and compulsions necessary to recreate. These were fed through the generations till they reached Fendelman and people like him. COLBY: Well, that's possibly more plausible. DOCTOR: Or on the other hand, it could all be just a coincidence. Finished. DOCTOR: Find Mrs Tyler. Give her a hand with the salt. Time's running out. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Leela! Leela! LEELA: What happened? Did I hit it? DOCTOR: Yes. Yes, you did. You're quite right, Leela. Good marksmanship isn't a matter of luck. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] MARTHA: Here you are. That's all the salt I can lay me hands on. DOCTOR: Shush. Right, battle stations. Jack, you and your grandma, back to the cottage. TYLER: Right, we'll get DOCTOR: Shush. You know what to do. TYLER: Right. DOCTOR: Good man. COLBY: Oh, where are you going? TYLER: We're going back to the cottage. MARTHA: You'll catch us up. COLBY: Oh, don't worry. I'll probably overtake you. DOCTOR: Lead lined? COLBY: Yes. DOCTOR: Perfect. Right, now this is what I want you to do. Give Leela and me time to get down to the cellar, and then switch on the scanner beam. With luck it should confuse things down there long enough for us to grab the skull and get away. COLBY: Well then what? DOCTOR: Listen. This is important. Be sure to operate the scanner beam for only two minutes, then switch if off and you go. COLBY: But why? DOCTOR: Because I've rigged that to set off a controlled implosion three minutes after you switch off the scanner. We need three minutes to get clear. COLBY: A big bang? DOCTOR: Pretty big. Big enough to blow this place to atoms. LEELA: Then why don't we leave the skull here? DOCTOR: Oh no, too dangerous. It could pop up anywhere and start the whole thing over again. Come on. LEELA: Good luck. DOCTOR: Psst. Remember, three minutes. [SCENE_BREAK] LEELA: Look out, Doctor! DOCTOR: No, better save some for later. LEELA: Do not worry. [SCENE_BREAK] COLBY: Five, four, three, two, one. COLBY: You've got three minutes, Doctor. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Come on, I've got it. Let's get out of here. LEELA: Something's happened. DOCTOR: He's switched off the scanner beam. We've got three minutes. Come on! [SCENE_BREAK] LEELA: Look! DOCTOR: No, don't! LEELA (OOV.): We've done it! DOCTOR (OOV.): Come on, run! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Leela, where are you? LEELA (OOV.): Here! DOCTOR: Then come on! Run! [SCENE_BREAK] TYLER: You all right, Gran? MARTHA: Yes. TYLER: Well, keep your head down, then. Hey, somebody's coming. COLBY: Any minutes now. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Down! LEELA: What now? DOCTOR: We leave. Vanishing priories take a lot of explaining. LEELA: Will the other be all right? DOCTOR: Yes. Probably at Mrs Tyler's now, eating plum cake off her best china. [SCENE_BREAK] TYLER: I'll put the kettle on, Gran, eh? MARTHA: Yes. [SCENE_BREAK] LEELA: What are you going to do about the skull? DOCTOR: Hmm? Oh, find a star about to go supernova and dump it in the vicinity. LEELA: That will destroy it? DOCTOR: Oh, yes. I don't think even that can stand the temperatures generated by a supernova. Ah! LEELA: What? DOCTOR: Found one, in the constellation of Canthares. Just set the coordinates, and we're on our way. LEELA: Then what are we going to do? DOCTOR: I like your new dress. LEELA: It's the old one. DOCTOR: Oh, yes. It has a certain, je ne, je, er. LEELA: What? DOCTOR: What? LEELA: You didn't finish. DOCTOR: Didn't finish what? LEELA: Your sentence. It's a very annoying habit, Doctor. DOCTOR: Oh, yes, yes. Well, it's about K, K LEELA: K9? DOCTOR: K9. Yes. I'd better finish repairing him. LEELA: Ah! You called him him. You called him him! DOCTOR: I can call K9 him if I want to. He's my dog. Aren't you, K9?	Plan: A: one; Q: How many archaeologists are transformed? A: a massive implosion; Q: What is threatening the Fendahl? A: existence; Q: What do the Fendahl and its Fendahleen components start coming into? A: the Doctor; Q: Who is the only one who can stop the Fendahl? A: Leela; Q: Who is the Doctor's partner in stopping the Fendahl? Summary: With one of the archaeologists transformed and a massive implosion threatening, the Fendahl and its Fendahleen components start coming into existence while the Doctor, Leela and the Tylers do what they can to stop it.
[Scene: P3. Piper's at the bar cutting up some yellow spiky fruit. She coughs and gets a glass of water and takes a sip. Phoebe comes up to the bar.] Piper: Oh, I am so glad to see you. Phoebe: Is that because I can work tonight or is it because I am now "Phoebe Halliwell, college student." Piper: Okay, neat, thin slices please. Wait, you enrolled? (Phoebe nods.) Phoebe, this is huge. Phoebe: Hugest thing I've done since I came back home. I mean, aside from vanquishing demons and saving the world from evil of course. Okay, so I signed up for two general courses. (Phoebe gets a piece of paper out of her bag and hands it to Piper.) Piper: And seven electives. Seven, Phoebe? Phoebe: Alright, so I'm a little confused. I could use some advice. What do you think I should take? (Piper coughs.) Honey, are you okay? Piper: Yeah, its just a little cough. Phoebe: I bet Prue made you have soup at lunch today after she heard that little cough. Piper: I had to cancel actually. Last night's paper work took a bit longer than expected. Phoebe: So I guess you missed your massage today also. Piper: A reporter from the San Francisco called and had a ton of questions about the club. Phoebe: Piper, you have got to take care of yourself. You've been feeling funky since yesterday. Piper: It's probably just a bug. Phoebe: Even more reason for you not to push it. Piper: I'm fine, besides it's all paying off, the club is finally doing well, we're making money, now would you slice. (Phoebe picks up the knife and a piece of fruit.) Phoebe: What kind of fruit is this anyway? Piper: Kewano. It's from South America. It's great for Mai Tai's. Just got them in yesterday actually. The bartender has a connection at the docks. Phoebe: Wait, you smuggled it in? Piper: Oh, it's fruit, Phoebe, not drugs. Phoebe: Look, just because we're witches, does not mean you're invincible. Okay, you need to start taking care of yourself. Piper: Thank you, Doctor. Phoebe: Hey, "Doctor Phoebe Halliwell". I like it. [Scene: Bucklands. Prue's office. She's looking at a painting. Jack's standing behind her.] Prue: It's late. Let's just get this done. Well, it certainly appears to be a Monet. Has the same style that he enjoyed in Paris after the Exposition de Verselle. The same delicate powdery interpretation combined with great vigour and expressiveness. Jack: Great vigour? Randy little painter was he? Prue: The brush strokes around this smoke stack are somewhat unusual for Monet. They seem almost individual although beautifully rendered. Jack: Yeah, no complaints about my view either. Prue: Okay, you know what? Is everything with you sexual? Jack: No Okay, you've never thought about me? Prue: Jack, come on, we don't have very much time to authenticate this painting Jack: And I was good wasn't I? Come on, Prue, I'm not pushing this. I just, I know where you stand, I just wanna know where I stand with you. (Mr. Cauldwell enters.) Mr. Cauldwell: How are you two doing? Prue: Oh, uh, we're fine. Exactly where we should be at the moment. Mr. Cauldwell: As long as it's authenticated by the auction. I've got eight buyers on the block interested in that piece. Prue: You don't have to worry about us, Mr. Cauldwell. Mr. Cauldwell: Good. (He leaves.) Jack: Do I have to worry about us? [Scene: P3. Piper's walking through the crowd. Phoebe comes up to her.] Phoebe: Piper, you need to go home. Piper: Phoebe, I'm fine, I'm just Phoebe you're right. (Piper faints.) Phoebe: Oh my God. Call 911. Opening Credits [Scene: Hospital. Piper's lying in a bed hooked up to some machines. Prue's standing there. Piper wakes up.] Prue: Hey. Piper: Prue? Prue: You're awake. Piper: What happened? Prue: You don't remember? Piper: I remember being in the club and talking to Phoebe and then I gotta admit, it's a little fuzzy. Prue: You collapsed and we called an ambulance. Piper: Oh, that must have been great for business. So what's wrong with me? Prue: Um, they don't really know. We're just sort of waiting for blood test results. Piper: I'm sure it's nothing too exciting. It's probably something trendy like mono or Epstein Barr. Prue: Yeah, well, whatever it is you're gonna take the time to get better. Piper: You sound like Phoebe. Where is she anyway? [Cut to outside. Phoebe walks up to the receptionists desk. The nurse has her back facing Phoebe.] Phoebe: Uh, hi. Nurse person. (The nurse turns around.) Can you tell me where Dr. Wallis is. He said that my sister's test results should be in by eight and it's twenty past eight now. Nurse: What's your sister's name? Phoebe: Piper. Piper Halliwell. Thank you. Piper Halliwell. Nurse: Piper Halliwell has been transferred to Dr. Williams care. If you have a seat in the waiting area, I'll page him. Phoebe: What happened to Dr. Wallis? Nurse: I'm sure that Dr. Williamson will be able to answer all of your questions. Please, have a seat in the waiting room. Phoebe: Okay. (Phoebe sits down. A boy in a wheelchair comes up to her.) Boy: Are you sick too? Phoebe: No, I'm not sick. Boy: Then why do you look so sad? Phoebe: My sister's here and they don't know what's wrong with her. Boy: The doctor's don't know what's wrong with me either. Maybe your sister and I have the same thing. Phoebe: What is your name? Boy: Nathan. Phoebe: Well, hello, Nathan. I'm Phoebe. And who is that? (She points to a Ninja doll sitting on his lap.) Boy: Ninja doll. I found him in the children's ward. Phoebe: You know, I don't think that's a ninja doll. If I know my ninja dolls, I think that one's really a magical wi zard. Nathan: Really? How can you tell? Phoebe: Well, let me see him. (She takes the ninja off of him.) I've seen what his type can do. He's got powers. He can move things and freeze things and can kick box too. And the really cool thing about him is he can do all this to the demon to the bad guys inside your body without anyone even knowing about it. Nathan: Really? He can freeze the bad guys and move them? Phoebe: And kick box them too. Don't forget that. Right out of your body. All you have to do is when you feel bad, you close your eyes and just picture him fighting them for you. Do you think you can do that? Nathan: Yeah. (Dr. Williamson and some other Doctors walk up to Phoebe.) Dr. Williamson: Phoebe Halliwell? (Phoebe stands up.) Phoebe: Yes. Dr. Williamson: I'm Dr. Williamson. Phoebe: Hi. (to Nathan) Bye, it was nice to meet you. Nathan: See ya. Phoebe: And who are they? Dr. Williamson: Medical interns. They'll be viewing my work with your sister. Phoebe: Because Dr. Williamson: Because they're studying the same field that I did. I'm an infectious disease specialist. (Dr. Williamson and the other doctors walk into the room where Piper is.) Phoebe: Specialist? Wait. Dr. Williamson: Miss Halliwell, I'm Dr. Williamson. Phoebe: Um, he's a specialist. Piper: Where's Dr. Wallis? Dr. Williamson: I'll be keeping him posted. How are you feeling? Piper: Okay. A little hot. (Dr. Williamsons pager beeps.) Dr. Williamson: Have you been out of the country recently? Africa, South America, Caribbean? Piper: I wish. No. I haven't been out of the city. Dr. Williamson: Well apparently you've attracted a blood disease rarely seen in the United States, Arroyo fever. Prue: How is that possible? Dr. Williamson: Well, Arroyo fever's transmitted through a bite of sand fly which dies right after the bite. Have you had anything imported brought into your home recently. Piper: No. Phoebe: But you have in the club. What was the name of that weird fruit? Piper: Kewano. Dr. Williamson: That's a possible carrier. Sometimes the fly's been known to live long enough in the crate to make the trip but rarely survives the quarantine period. Piper: I think I have a bite on my shoulder. (She shows him the bite.) Dr. Williamson: When did you get this? Piper: Just after I opened the fruit. Dr. Williamson: (to a doctor) Tell the nurse I need ten cc's of penildron. Doctor: Right away. Dr. Williamson: It's a high grade antibiotic which will be most effective when it administered through an I.V. Should bring your fever down. (His pager beeps again.) I gotta run some more tests. I'll be back shortly. Phoebe: Excuse me, she's gonna be okay, right? I mean, it's not life threatening. Dr. Williamson: Well, I'll know better after I run more tests. Excuse me. (He leaves. Phoebe sits on the bed. Prue and Phoebe stare at her smiling.) Piper: I'll be okay. Prue: Yeah, I mean he didn't seem too worried. Just prescribed antibiotics. Piper: The tests are just to confirm his diagnosis I'm sure. Prue: Yeah, don't you agree, Phoebe? Phoebe: I think we should call Leo. Piper: Why? Phoebe: Why not? He can heal you. Piper: No. He's out of our lives. He's not even our white lighter anymore. Besides with Dan in my life. Phoebe: But if Leo knew you were sick. Piper: No, and that's final. No demon or warlock did this to me. Just let the doctors do their magic. Phoebe: I just wanted you to get well soon. (Phoebe rests her head on Piper's stomach.) Piper: I know and I will. Now you get outta here. Prue, go to Bucklands, Phoebe, go to wherever it is you got to and someone please call Dan so he doesn't worry. Prue: Okay. Bye. Love you. (They leave.) [Scene: Bucklands. Prue's office. Prue walks in. Jack's there.] Prue: Hey. Have you had a chance to look at the thread density results on the Monet? Jack: Yeah, and you were right. There are some unexplained thread markings in the area around the station, as the signature. Prue: Have you told Cauldwell yet? Jack: Not yet. I was hoping to talk you into going home first. Prue, you're exhausted. Prue: Yeah, I know, but I prefer to stay here, you know, keep busy. How long can tests take anyway? Jack: Piper is gonna be fine. Prue: I know, it's just that after everything I've seen in my life and believe me I've seen a lot of weird stuff. It takes a lot to scare me. But this time I'm really scared. (Jack hugs Prue.) Jack: You know, I'm not really good at this, saying the right thing stuff. You know what? Why don't you go back to the hospital and I'll stay here and handle everything. Okay? (Prue's cell phone rings. She answers it.) Prue: Hello? [Scene: Manor. Phoebe and Dan walk into the living room.] Dan: Is she gonna be okay? Phoebe: You know, that's what's so frustrating. They won't tell us anything. Damn doctors. Dan: Can I see her? Where is she? Phoebe: San Francisco Memorial. (Dan hugs Phoebe.) Dan: Nothing's gonna happen to her okay? Piper's strong and healthy and she's a fighter. Phoebe: You've noticed too have you? (The phone rings. Phoebe answers it.) Hello? Prue: Yeah, Pheebs, the hospital just called. They need for us to get down there right away. Phoebe: Why? What happened? [Cut to the hospital. Phoebe and Dan run down the corridor to Piper's room. Prue's standing at the doorway.] Phoebe: Prue, what's going on? Prue: I don't know. All they said was that her condition has worsened. Phoebe: What is that supposed to mean? Dan: We're not gonna leave the door until we find out. Prue: Dr. Williamson. Dr. Williamson: Unfortunately your sister's immune system isn't as strong as we thought it would be and antibiotics are having no effect on the disease. Phoebe: So what do we what do you do now? Dr. Williamson: Well there's nothing more we can do. Prue: What do you mean by that? What are you saying? Dr. Williamson: Well, either Piper pulls out of the coma on her own or I'm afraid your sister's not going to survive. (Phoebe starts crying.) [SCENE_BREAK] {Scene: Manor. Attic. Prue and Phoebe walk over to the Book of Shadows.] Prue: Okay, we can't let Piper die. Phoebe: No, we can't but Prue, this isn't a demon or a warlock that we're up against. Prue: Alright, there are spells in here to vanquish demons, then there's gotta be a spell in here to vanquish a lousy bug. Phoebe: Okay, but even if there is a spell, how do we get past the personal gain issue, the consequences? Prue: What consequences? The power of three remains unbroken, innocents are saved. I don't really see a down side to that, do you? Phoebe: Prue, if good witches could really vanquish diseases, do you think there'd be one sick person in the world? Prue: We have to save Piper. Phoebe: I agree. All I am saying is before we resort to the Book of Shadows, maybe we should call Leo. Prue: No. She told us not to. Phoebe: So, let her be pissed at us, at least she'll be alive. Prue: We don't even know how to contact him. He's always just sorta been around. (Prue and Phoebe start calling him.) Prue/Phoebe: Leo? Leo? (Leo orbs in and startles Prue and Phoebe.) Phoebe: Whoa, it worked. Prue: Alright, Leo, look Piper is very Leo: Very sick, I know. That's why I could hear you calling. I've been near by watching. Phoebe: Wait, you've been watching her this whole time and you haven't healed her? Leo: I can't. They know about Piper too and they won't let me interfere. I'm not even supposed to be here right now. Prue: Leo, you can't just let Piper die. Leo: Don't you think I would do something about it if I could. Phoebe: But you love her. Leo: I know. But I'm not her Whitelighter any more. And besides, even if I could help her my powers probably wouldn't even work because she wasn't fighting evil. (You hear the Whitelighters calling him.) I have to go, they know I'm here. I'm sorry. Tell Piper I love her. (He orbs out.) Phoebe: Screw the consequences. (They start searching through the Book of Shadows.) [Cut to the hospital. Prue and Phoebe are walking down the corridor.] Phoebe: Do you really think the awakening spell's gonna work? Prue: Better. Alright, Look, I'll get Piper's blood. Are you sure that you can get a poppet? Phoebe: Positive. I'll meet you in her room. Prue: Alright. [Cut to Piper's room. A nurse is drawing blood from Piper's arm. Dan's there. Prue walks in.] Prue: How is she? (The nurse puts a small container full of Piper's blood on a tray. Prue uses her power and it floats over to her and she puts it in her pocket.) Dan: No change. It just looks like she's sleeping but I can't wake her up. Prue: She'll wake up, I promise. [Cut to Nathan's room. He's playing with the Ninja doll. Phoebe walks in.] Phoebe: Hey, Nathan. Remember me? Nathan: Phoebe, I was hoping you'd come back. Phoebe: Really? Why? Nathan: You were right. The wizard did it. I feel great. Just like I used to. Phoebe: The power of positive thinking. Nathan: The power of magic. The doctors are letting me go home in a couple of days. Phoebe: Oh, that's great, Nathan. I'm so happy for you. You know, I was wondering if you would let me borrow the wizard for a while. My sister could use a little magic right about now. Nathan: She can keep him. I don't need him anymore. Phoebe: Thank you. [Cut to Piper's room. Phoebe enters.] Phoebe: Hey. (She notices Dan there.) I was gonna bring back some sodas but the machine down the hall was busted and I didn't know where to find another one. Dan: I'll find it. Phoebe: Really? You don't mind? Dan: No, it's no trouble. I'll be back in a minute. (He leaves.) Phoebe: I got him. Let's do this. (Phoebe puts the ninja on Piper's stomach. Prue puts a drop of Piper's blood on the ninja. They touch the ninja and Piper and start saying the spell.) Prue/Phoebe: "Troubled blood with sleeps unease, remove the cause of this disease." (Dr. Williamson opens the door.) Phoebe: Prue! (Prue uses her power and shuts the door. She keeps her hand held out to keep the door closed.) Dr. Williamson: Hey! (He tries to open the door.) Prue/Phoebe: "Sleep eternal never more, and shift this source of illness borne, to this poppet whom none shall mourn." Phoebe: Prue, it's not working. (Suddenly, Piper springs up into a sitting position. Phoebe hugs her.) Dr. Williamson: Come on, open the door! (The door opens.) Who's blocking the damn door? Prue: What's up, Doc? Dr. Williamson: (He sees Piper awake.) When did this happen? Miss Halliwell, are you feeling alright? (You see Phoebe put the ninja in the bin. The camera zooms into the bin and you see the ninja's eyes open.) [Cut to outside the room. Dan and two other nurses go into the room.] Dan: Piper! (She sees the cans of soda.) Piper: Are those for me? (He hugs her.) Dan: You're okay. Piper: Yes I am okay. Dr. Williamson: This doesn't make any sense. Fever's gone, vitals are normal. I've never seen anything like it. The infection's gone too. Piper: So can I go home now? Dr. Williamson: (to the nurses) Draw some blood. I wanna run comparatives. Nurse: Yes, Doctor. Piper: Um, then can I go home? Because no offence, but I hate hospitals. (Prue, Phoebe and Dan laugh. They climb on the bed and lay all over Piper.) Piper: Get off me. [Cut to inside the bin. The ninja sits up. A nurse walks over and puts something in the bin. The ninja pushes his sword through the plastic and it pokes the nurse on the leg.) Nurse: Ow! (She walks away. The ninja then cuts through the plastic and jumps out.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: P3. There's no one in there except Prue, Piper, Phoebe, Dan and a bartender. They have music on.] Piper: Turn it up. (Prue turns the music up. Piper walks over to the bartender.) Alright, you can go home. I'll clean up. (He leaves. Phoebe runs over to Dan who's sitting down.) Phoebe: Dance with me, Dan. Dan: It's almost two in the morning. (She pulls him out of the chair.) Phoebe: So what. Come on, you're young. Dan: Stop the music, stop that music. (Phoebe goes over to Prue. Dan puts his arms around Piper.) Piper: Somebody need a nap? Dan: You know what? That's not fair. You've been asleep for almost twenty-four hours . Piper: And I know you've been up for almost twenty-four hours by my side. I can't tell you how much that means to me, being there for me. Hangin' tough. Dan: It wasn't that tough. (They kiss.) Piper: Now go home. I'll see you tomorrow. (He leaves. Piper walks over to Prue and Phoebe who are playing patty-cake with their hands.) Okay, spill. (They stop clapping.) Phoebe: What are you talking about? Piper: You guys cast a spell didn't you? Prue: (innocently) Who, us? Piper: Yeah, you. Not that I'm not grateful to be cured because I am, but what about that little personal gain problem? Phoebe: Okay, but don't you think we would have seen any consequences by now? It's been hours. Prue: Yeah, maybe saving a protector of the innocent isn't really personal gain. Piper: Maybe. Like I said, I'm not complaining. I'm just glad you didn't call Leo. Strange though with all the demons we've faced, this bug, this thing was the scariest of them all. Prue: Yeah, you don't have to convince us. Piper: I love you guys. Phoebe: We love you too. (They hug.) Prue: Hey, just don't ever scare us like that again. Piper: Don't worry. Prue: Ooh, ooh! Oh, God, I almost forgot. I have to get that Monet authenticated by tomorrow. Phoebe: At this hour? Prue: Why not? I'm wide awake. (Prue leaves.) Piper: I guess I should clean up. (Piper starts cleaning up. Phoebe stands there dancing and then she notices Piper is moving very quickly. She gets faster and faster.) Phoebe: Uh, Piper. Piper! (She stops in front of Phoebe.) Piper: What? Phoebe: I think I found a consequence. [Scene: Hospital. The nurse that was poked by the ninja is lying on the bed breathing heavily. Another nurse rings someone up on the phone.] Nurse: Get me Dr. Williamson. [Cut to Dr. Williamson. His phone rings.] Dr. Williamson: Yeah? Okay, put them both on penildron though I doubt it'll do them any good. Call me if there's any changes. (He hangs up. A guy walks up to him.) Guy: And what can Centre from Disease Control do for you this fine middle of the night, Dr. Williamson? Dr. Williamson: I've really got something for you this time, Seiger. I wouldn't have called you if I didn't. Dr. Seiger: You know, it's not very ethical to try and get the government to validate your findings just so you can get published. Dr. Williamson: This'll get me more than published. I've got an outbreak of Arroyo fever in this hospital. Dr. Seiger: That's impossible. Arroyo fever isn't contagious. Dr. Williamson: It is now. I've got three patients with the disease in isolation. Dr. Seiger: How'd they get it? Dr. Williamson: I don't know. But however they did has something to do with the first person who came down with it. Piper Halliwell. [Scene: Bucklands. Prue's office. She's looking at the painting. Jack walks in.] Jack: Morning. Prue: Hi. Jack: So how's Piper doing? Prue: Fully recovered. Jack: What? That's great. Prue: Yeah, I just came in early to confirm a few suspicions. Jack: Whoa, wait, back up. Piper's okay? Prue: Yes, she's home, she's healthy, everything's back to normal. Jack, we've got to talk seriously. Jack: Okay, shoot. Prue: We can't keep on fooling ourselves. This thing isn't real. I know that it looks perfect from the outside and it makes sense to just ignore the truth and pretend that there's nothing wrong but I can't do that. Jack: Look, Prue, come on, I know we've had our difficulties and maybe our relationship isn't everything you hoped for Prue: Jack, I'm talking about the painting. It's not real. I mean, yeah, it's from his school but Monet didn't paint it. One of his students did. Jack: Are you sure? Prue: Positive. Jack: So what. Prue: So what? Jack: Prue, if someone wants to believe in something that may not be altogether true but it's true enough for them, then what's the harm in letting it be? Prue: Jack? Jack: Prue, the world is made up of almost perfect. It's nothing but near misses and necessary compromises. In this case, I think we got a little bit of both. That's okay, I know how you feel. I'm just asking you not to look so close. Nothing bears up under that kind of scrutiny. Prue: Are you talking about the Monet? Jack: Yeah, that too. Just trust me. Go with it. Everything's gonna be fine. [Scene: P3. Disease Control people pull up in their trucks and go inside. Dr. Seiger walks up to Phoebe and Piper.] Dr. Seiger: Piper Halliwell? Piper: Whoa, what's going on? Dr. Seiger: I'm Dr. Seiger from the Centre from Disease Control. We have a court order to take you and your sister into custody and to quarantine your club until further notice. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Hospital. There are lots of reporters and cameras there asking Dr. Williamson questions.] Dr. Williamson: No, I would not classify this as an epidemic at this stage. Although that's for Dr. Seiger from the C.D.C. to determine, not me. All I can tell you is an outbreak has occurred in the hospital and we've contained it. Reporter: Dr. Williamson, how do you know it's contained? How can you be sure? Dr. Williamson: Because we've identified the initial carrier. Reporter #2: Who is it? What's his name? Is it a patient? Dr. Williamson: We've identified the initial carrier and we brought her and anyone she may have affected down in the isolation ward. [Cut to Dan's house. He's watching the news.] Reporter #2: Is it true they closed down the night club called P3 because of the outbreak? Dr. Williamson: That is a question that can be answered by Dr. Seiger. Dr. Seiger: Yes, I can confirm that an establishment by the name of P3 has been quarantined. But only as a precautionary method. (Dan grabs his keys and coat and leaves.) [Cut back to the hospital. Phoebe and Piper are locked in a room in the isolation ward. Phoebe's knocking on the door.] Phoebe: Hello? Remember us? (A nurse talks into an intercom outside the room.) Nurse: I'm sorry, we can't hear you. What is it you want? Phoebe: We wanna get the hell outta here. That's what we want. Nurse: Dr. Williamson will be right in to discuss the situation. Piper: Discuss what? I feel fine. Nurse: Dr. Williamson will be right in. (She leaves.) Phoebe: This is ridiculous. Why won't they tell us anything? Piper: They're lucky they're in the other room, I'd freeze their butts. (A doctor opens the door and Prue walks in.) Phoebe: Oh, Prue, thank God. Piper: You're obviously not here to get us out. Prue: When I got home, someone from the C.D.C. was waiting for me and they took like a quart of blood. Phoebe: Ditto. Piper: Well, they might as well have taken all of mine, they've shut down the club, they'll ruin it. I'll lose everything. Phoebe: No, you won't. Once this whole thing gets straightened out. Prue: I have a feeling it's not gonna be that easy. Look, I overheard some doctors talking. There's others here that are infected with the disease. Phoebe: But I thought that it wasn't contagious. Prue: Yeah, so did I. (She sees the intercom.) So, can they hear us? Piper: No. Prue: Did either of you sleep by any chance? Phoebe: Sleep? Piper was bouncing off the walls last night. Piper: It's gotta be a consequence of the awakening spell you guys cast. Prue: I have a bad feeling that's not the only consequence. [Cut to Nathan's room. He's asleep. The ninja walks in.] [Cut back to Prue, Piper, and Phoebe. Dr. Williamson walks in.] Dr. Williamson: Sorry to keep you waiting. Phoebe: What, no mask? Dr. Williamson: No, I don't need it. None of us do. However the disease is being spread, it's not airborne. I just ruled that out. Piper: Great, then we're free to go. Dr. Williamson: Afraid not. Phoebe: You can't keep us here. Dr. Williamson: Actually, I can, by law. Not just because your sister circumvented it by opening the uninspected fruit, but because shes carrying a rare disease that has every possibility of spreading to epidemic proportions. Prue: I thought that you said it wasn't contagious. Dr. Williamson: Arroyo fever isn't supposed to be contagious. Phoebe: Well, then maybe you misdiagnosed it. Dr. Williamson: I didn't and aside from the fact that I had no idea how this disease is being spread there's another little mystery that's concerning me. Your recovery makes no clinical sense. Your blood has no antibodies which means your immune system has never fought it off. By all medical standards, you should be dead by now, Miss Halliwell. Piper: What's the matter, Doctor? You don't believe in miracles? Dr. Williamson: Not the kind that don't leave traces, no. I've got six people infected and there's nothing I can do to save them unless I figure out how it is you survived. Im gonna run a series of tests on all three of your blood work. Even DNA sampling. Maybe it's a genetic marker, I don't know. But I'm gonna find out and you're not leaving until I do. (He leaves.) Phoebe: Well, his bedside manners sure could us a little work. Piper: Six people? How's that possible? Prue: When we did the spell, we must have awakened everything in the room including the disease. Phoebe: So, do you think there's anything different about our blood because we're witches? Prue: I don't know but our first priority is to figure out how to help save these people. Phoebe: Yeah, but even if we can find a spell to save them, how do we prevent it from spreading to other people. Piper: You have to reverse the spell. Phoebe: No, Piper, we can't reverse the spell because Prue: You could go back into a coma, you could die. Piper: I'm not gonna die. Just reverse the spell and call Leo so he can heal me. Phoebe: Leo? I thought you didn't want us to call Leo. Piper: Well, yeah, that's when I thought I was sick, not dying. Prue: Piper, um, we already talked to Leo, he's not allowed to help. Phoebe: They won't let him. Piper: Oh. Great. Well thanks for doing something I specifically asked you not to do. Phoebe: Piper, you just said Prue: Phoebe, give it a rest. Um, look, Piper, we don't know the reversal spell anyway. Phoebe: Yeah, and they won't let us outta here to get it. Piper: Prue can get it. Prue: No, I can't. Okay, I can not just astral project on command. I can't control it like that. Piper: You can learn to control it just like you learned to control your other power. Just concentrate. Prue: Piper, I can't and I won't. Piper: Prue, you have to try. We can't let anybody else die. (Prue shuts her eyes and tries to astral project. She appears in the attic. A nurse looks in the room and sees Prue standing still with her eyes closed.) Nurse: (through the intercom) What's wrong with her? Phoebe: Nothing. She's fine. [Cut to the attic. Prue finds the spell and tries to remember it. She astral projects back into her body.] Prue: Whoa. Piper: Did you see it? Prue: Yeah, Piper, I don't Piper: Prue, we've already discussed this. For some reason there's no magical out for me but there is for the others. Please. Prue: "What was awakened from it's sleep, was once again slumbered deep." (Prue and Phoebe touch Piper.) Prue/Phoebe: "What was awakened from it's sleep, was once again slumbered deep." (They repeat it.) [Cut to Nathan's room. The ninja is on the bed. He raises his arms while holding his sword, ready to stab Nathan. Then the ninja turns back into a doll and falls on the floor.] [Cut to Prue, Piper and Phoebe. Piper collapses on the floor.] Phoebe: Prue, Prue, get help. (Prue bangs on the door.) Prue: Help! (Dr. Williamson and some other doctors run in.) Dr. Williamson: Help me get her on the bed. (They pick her up and put her on the bed.) You girls wanna tell me what the hell is going on? Get her on the monitor. Miss Halliwell, Miss Halliwell, can you hear me? Assist in respiration. Starting CPR. (Phoebe and Prue start crying.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Hospital. Dan runs up to reception.] Dan: Piper Halliwell, what room is she in? What room is she in, damn it. I'm family. [Cut to Piper. Dan enters the room.] Dr. Williamson: (He gives the nurse instructions and she races off.) She's not responding to CPR. Come on, Miss Halliwell. (Piper's spirit rises out of her body. You see a bright light. She appears in a place that's bright and golden. Someone is walking towards her. It's Leo.) Piper: Leo? Leo: Hurry, take my hands. We don't have much time. Piper: Am I dead? Leo: No, not yet. Not if you take my hands. Piper: I don't understand. Leo: It's the only way, I can heal you. The only chance I have of them not finding out. Hurry. [Cut back to the room.] Dr. Williamson: Give me the paddles. Nurse: Charging. (He gets the paddles and applies them to her body.) Dr. Wiliamson: Clear. Nurse: No response. I'm not getting anything. Dr. Williamson: Again. Nurse: Charging, Dr. Williamson: Clear. [Cut back to Leo and Piper.] Leo: I don't wanna lose you. (He holds his hands above her hands.) [Cut back to the room. Piper's dead.] Nurse: Time of death, 9:40am. [Cut back to Piper and Leo. Leo heals her. Cut back to the room. She floats back in her body.] Prue: Wait, I think she's responding. There's a heartbeat. (Piper starts coughing.) Dr. Williamson: Piper? What the hell? This is incredible. Piper: Leo. (Dan hears her. Phoebe and Prue goes over to her and kiss and hug her.) Phoebe: Are you okay? Nurse: B.P. 105 over 60. Pulse is strong. Nurse #2: I don't understand. What happened? Dr. Williamson: I don't know but I'm gonna find out. [Scene: Bucklands. Prue's office. Prue's putting all her stuff in a box. Jack walks in.] Jack: Hey, I just heard. Are you out of your mind? Prue: I don't know, maybe. Jack: Come on, Prue. You can't be serious. You can't just quit. Prue: I already did. I turned in my resignation and Cauldwell accepted it. Jack: Why? Just because he doesn't agree with you about selling the Monet? Prue: It's not authentic, Jack. Jack: You know what? Buyer's think it is and they've been thinking that way for over a hundred years. Prue: So it's worth whatever people is willing to pay for it, right? Jack: Yeah, right. Prue: No, it's wrong. Or at least in my book it is and that's the way it used to be here before the take over. Before everyone cared more about the sell than what they're selling. Jack: Including me, right? Prue: Jack. It's not about the painting or Bucklands new philosophy. I've been thinking about this for a while. A lot has happened to me in the past year and a half. I've seen, I've seen things I never imagined existed and it's changed me. It's made me wanna make changes. Jack: So what are you gonna do? Prue: I don't know. Just take some time. Figure it out. Look, I had a little wake up call and I realize that life is too short to be wasting my time doing something I really don't wanna be doing. Jack: Or being with someone you don't really wanna be with. Prue: Jack, you have been great. You've opened me up to so many things, made me feel wanted again. Jack: But... Prue: But I need to be alone for a while, no strings. (She kisses him. grabs her box and leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: P3. Piper gives a box of fruit to a guy.] Piper: These haven't been inspected yet. Put them in the back. We're returning them to the supplier. (She walks up to Prue and Phoebe.) Phoebe: Looks like someone learnt their lesson. Piper: Yeah, the hard way unfortunately. Prue: Still, the clubs doing okay. Doesn't look like quarantine ruined business too much. Piper: Thanks to no cover charge and free drinks. Have you guys seen Dan around? Prue, Phoebe: No, why? Piper: No reason I guess. I thought he might stop by. Phoebe: Uh, you know, Piper, Dan heard you call Leo's name when you were coming around at the hospital. Piper: He did? That wasn't me thinking about Leo, that was just... Phoebe: Him saving you, I know. Prue: Still, how are you gonna explain that to Dan? Phoebe: Well, at least you're alive to try. That's what's important. Prue: Yeah, I mean, just because we're witches, doesn't mean we're above the laws of nature. Phoebe: Or the Wiccan ones. Piper: I know, you don't have to tell me twice. I'm not taking anything for granted anymore. Prue: Ditto. Phoebe: Yeah, Prue, welcome to the ranks of the unemployed. I'm proud of you. I think what you did was very brave. Prue: Thank you. (Leo walks in.) Ooh, Piper. (She points to Leo.) Leo. Phoebe: Tell him thanks for us too. (Piper walks over to him.) Piper: Hey. Leo: Hey. How are you feeling? Piper: Okay. A little tired. Which is actually a good thing. Leo, thank you for everything you... Leo: Couldn't let you die, Piper. Piper: I'm very glad you couldn't. Did you get in trouble? Leo: Yeah, actually, a lot. They found out what I did. They clipped my wings. Piper: What? Leo: It's not permanent. It's more like a suspension... I hope. Piper: Leo, I-I-I don't know what to say. Leo: You don't have to say anything. You didn't do anything, I did. I guess in the back I always hoped someday, somehow you and I would get a second chance. Piper: I'm with Dan now. Leo: I know. But I also know now that I'm a mortal, I'm gonna fight for you. May the best man win.	Plan: A: an illegal fruit; Q: What did Piper contract a rare fever from? A: the hospital; Q: Where does Piper slip into a coma? A: a spell; Q: What did Prue and Phoebe cast to transfer the disease from Piper to a doll? A: the doll; Q: Who comes to life and starts stabbing people? A: the sisters; Q: Who has to transfer the disease back to Piper? A: Leo; Q: Who saves Piper? A: the Auction House; Q: Where does Prue quit after Jack and their boss try to pass off a painting as a real Monet? Summary: After Piper contracts a rare fever from an illegal fruit, she slips into a coma at the hospital. Desperate to help her, Prue and Phoebe cast a spell to transfer the disease from Piper and into a doll. However, that doesn't work when the doll comes to life and starts stabbing people and as a result, the sisters have to transfer the disease back to Piper. As a result, Leo arrives and defies his orders to not interfere and ultimately saves Piper. At the Auction House, Prue decides to quit after Jack and their boss try to pass off a painting as a real Monet.
[PREVIOUSLY_ON] MOUTH : I know I sort of freaked you out when you asked me to stay here, and, well, there's a reason. MILLICENT : I'm a virgin. MOUTH : Really? DEB : Did someone call for a nanny? JAMIE : Grandma! LINDSEY : I'll edit the book because I believe in it. And I believe in you. But we can't be together. LUCAS : We will be. MAX : You think about him much? Lucas. PEYTON : Every day. NATHAN : Hey! I've seen you, okay, outside of the school. I've seen you driving past the house, and now you just happen to be at the hospital? DAN : Nathan, stop. I was just getting a checkup. The truth is, I was hoping ... NATHAN : No, don't. Dan, don't hope. You hear me? There's no hope for you. BROOKE : Millicent. They're giving me a baby. BROOKE AND PEYTON'S HOUSE Brooke is in the living room, holding Angie who's crying BROOKE : Okay, it's okay. Angie, it's okay, sweet girl. No, don't cry, baby girl. Please! Don't you want to sleep? (Peyton enters the room, really, really tired) PEYTON : I do, Brooke. Okay, you know I love you, all right? And I love baby Angie, but I also really, really love my sleep, and I haven't gotten any in like three nights. BROOKE : Yeah, and it shows. PEYTON : Thanks. As if I didn't know I look like Amy Winehouse pre-rehab. BROOKE : Peyton, I'm sorry. Okay, she didn't come with instructions, but I will figure it out. I promise. I promise. Hey. Hey. Hey. Come on. Angie is crying in her crib and Brooke is trying to amuse her. Peyton joins her BROOKE : Crying I'm the purple monkey, and I sure wish you'd stop crying. PEYTON : Hey, baby! Who wants a pacifier? Look! Ooh, who wants a bottle? You hungry? (Angie is still crying) How about, uh, Brooke's boob? Huh? BROOKE : Hey. Hey. Look at the dancing animals. Aren't they funny? Hey! (Brooke throws a stuffed animal in Peyton's face. Angie smiles) BROOKE : Oh, my god, did you think that was funny? Look! Look! Hey! (Brooke do it again but Angie starts crying again) BROOKE : No. No, we like that, remember? It's funny. (Brooke throws it again) PEYTON : Brooke, really? Brooke joins Peyton in the kitchen BROOKE : She's finally sleeping. I think the crying wore her out. Hey, I'm sorry about the stuffed-animal thing. I just ... I was desperate. PEYTON : It's fine. But, I mean, do you think Angie's illness has something to do with her fussiness? BROOKE : It's not supposed to. PEYTON : If I were having heart surgery, I'm pretty sure I'd be a little fussy. BROOKE : Yeah, but the doctor said her heart condition doesn't even really affect her now. It's just that, if she doesn't have the surgery, it'll cause big problems later. For now, she's supposed to be a regular little baby. PEYTON : Well, she is, and regular little babies cry sometimes. BROOKE : Sometimes. Peyton, she cries all the time. I feel like she doesn't like me. PEYTON : Oh, no, come on. She's gonna love you. You'll see. BROOKE : Yeah. BOYS APARTMENT Skills is holding a red thong SKILLS : This don't look like virgin underwear. (Mouth grabs it) MOUTH : Give me those. SKILLS : I'm just saying. If they belonged to my girl, she ain't gonna be no virgin no more. MOUTH : Dude, shut up. And how do you even know about that? SKILLS : Fergie. MOUTH : How'd he know? SKILLS : Junk. You know he tried to get with her, right? I'm just playing, man. He overheard you two talking the other night. You know these walls are thin. MOUTH : Well, I don't care that she's a virgin. I actually think it's nice. SKILLS : Hey, there's something to be said for it. Knowing exactly where your girl hasn't been, or has been. MOUTH : That's not what I meant. Millicent's just pretty amazing. SKILLS : Dude, you are so whipped. I mean, I probably would be, too, considering that she 10 times hotter than that cougar you was chasing. MOUTH : So, uh, I thought you were guys were gonna get it together. You know? Maybe clean this place up and hold off on the friday-night water fights. SKILLS : Man, you asking for a whole lot. I'll tell you what. Let me have them drawers... I'm just playing, man. All right. (Skills grab the thong on his way out) JAMIE'S BEDROOM Jamie is asleep, Haley comes to wake him up HALEY : Somebody looks older today. JAMIE : I do! HALEY : You? Why would that be? JAMIE : It's my birthday, mama! HALEY : It is your birthday! JAMIE : I'm 5! HALEY : You're 5? JAMIE : Don't I get my kisses? HALEY : Oh, okay. (Haley kisses him 6 times) HALEY : That's five and one for good luck. So, what do you want for your birthday? JAMIE : I want two things. HALEY : Okay. JAMIE : I want a wii, and I really want grandpa Dan to come to my party. (Deb arrives) DEB : Knock, knock, knock. HALEY : Hey. DEB : So, how is my favorite grandson doing on his birthday? JAMIE : I'm your only grandson. DEB : And a handsome one at that. So, what does my handsome grandson want for his birthday? TREE HILL GYM Nathan is practicing. Dan enters the gym DAN : Hello, son. NATHAN : What do you want? DAN : Do I have to want something to say hello? NATHAN : Yeah, dad, unfortunately you do. DAN : I'd like to stop by and wish Jamie a happy birthday. NATHAN : It's never gonna happen. DAN : Look, I know I screwed up as a father, but I'd like to be a good grandfather. NATHAN : Well, you should have thought of that before you killed Jamie's great-uncle. You're not coming to that party, Dan, or anywhere near my son. (Nathan leaves the gym) PEYTON'S OFFICE Peyton is on the phone. Her office is under construction PEYTON : Yeah, I mean, my office is a disaster right now, but the recording studio's gonna be really cool when it's done. How's the tour? Oh, Mia, that's awesome. Yeah, and your album's selling really well, too. So you just keep doing your thing and believe in your art, and we'll all live happily ever after. (Peyton looks at her computer where there is an old picture of Lucas and her) PEYTON : So, tell me more about the tour. LUCAS' HOUSE Lucas is watching a video of his basketball team when Haley enters HALEY : Hey, coach. LUCAS : Hey. HALEY : What's the status on Quentin? LUCAS : Well, if he would channel his stubbornness into his recovery, he'd be fine. HALEY : How 'bout your recovery? LUCAS : What are you talking about? HALEY : I just wanted to come by and make sure that you're okay. LUCAS : Isn't it your son's fifth birthday today? Oh, that's right. There's lots of mom things you could be doing. HALEY : Yeah, there's a friend thing I want to be doing, too. You know she's gonna be there. LUCAS : Yes, I know, Hales. You told me at least like six times. I know Lindsey's gonna be at the party. HALEY : I'm just saying, if it makes you uncomfortable, I can ask her not to come. LUCAS : I know, and I love you for it, Hales, I do, but the way I see it, Lindsey knows I'm gonna be at the party, and she's choosing to come. Look, I told her that one day she's gonna come back to me. Maybe this is that day. (Haley seems worried) CLOTHES OVER BROS Millicent opens the door to Brooke who's holding Angie MILLICENT : Tell me you finished the sketches. BROOKE : Sketches? MILLICENT : You're kidding, right? For the Macy's presentation. BROOKE : She hasn't slept in three days, and neither have I. MILLICENT : And she's so cute, but this meeting is huge for "C.Over B." Macy's is the largest department-store chain in America, and if this doesn't happen, then I've let you down, I've let myself down, and I've probably somehow let my parents down. BROOKE : Okay, Milly, look at me. We are gonna be fine. I'm gonna be complete those sketches. And they're gonna be nothing short of fantastic. MILLICENT : Really? BROOKE : Really. Under control. First, tell me something. How cute do I look with this baby? Aren't I so Angelina? MILLICENT : So Angelina. BROOKE : I know! Did you hear that, my girl? Let's say "hi. " "Hi, aunt Milly." Hi, baby. PEYTON'S OFFICE Peyton is on her computer. Skills arrives SKILLS : How's my baby girl doing? PEYTON : Busy. SKILLS : Really? I thought your little mini-me flew the coop. PEYTON : Mia? Yeah, she's out on tour, but that doesn't mean my job stops. Did you know her album is number 2 on I-tunes? SKILLS : Yeah, I do, but you ain't on I-tunes. You cyber-stalking Lucas, right? (Peyton closes her laptop) SKILLS : Oh, come on. Don't act like you ain't check his facebook profile about 50 times just to see if he done changed his status from "engaged" to "single". You can't fool me, P.Sawyer. Internet is a dangerous place. PEYTON : What do you want, Skills? SKILLS : Well, I kind of need help locating Jamie's birthday gift, and you gonna be the girl to help me find it. PEYTON : Well, I would love to, but ... SKILLS : No "buts," 'cause you ain't got one. (They both laugh) SKILLS : Now, look. I told nathan I was gonna get this wii, but that's about as easy to find as Willy Wonka's little golden ticket. So we got our work cut out for us. PEYTON : Oh, "us," huh? SKILLS : Yeah, us. Now, I'm gonna get the wii, and you gonna get up out this gloomy-ass office. THE APARTMENT Mouth and Millicent come home with groceries MILLICENT : I was thinking of making the guys pumpkin bread. I thought it might make them like me m-more. (The apartment seem really clean) MOUTH : I don't think I've ever seen the floor of this place. MILLICENT : Did you know your couch was brown? Did they do this for me? Because the last thing I want is to be a burden. MOUTH : No, we've been talking about cleaning the place up for weeks. MILLICENT : So this has nothing to do with me? MOUTH : Just boys becoming men. MILLICENT : Well, it's kind of nice. (Mouth opens a closet in the kitchen which is full of p0rn magazines) MOUTH : Uh, why don't we go out for lunch? MILLICENT : But we just bought all this food. MOUTH : Well, then, we'll have a lot to eat later. (Mouth grabs Millicent and leave) NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE In the kitchen, Haley is preparing Jamie's party. Nathan comes home NATHAN : Guess who I saw this morning. HALEY : I have a feeling I'm not gonna like this. NATHAN : Dan showed up at the gym. HALEY : Don't you find it creepy that your dad hangs out around a high-school gym? NATHAN : He's Dan. It's all creepy. HALEY : What did he want? NATHAN : He wanted an invite to Jamie's birthday party. And don't worry, I told him it's not gonna happen. HALEY : Well, you're stronger than I am, 'cause Jamie's been asking me all week if his grandpa Dan's gonna come to his birthday party, and I have been dodging the subject altogether. NATHAN : Excellent parenting. HALEY : Yeah, thanks. I don't blame him for wanting to get to know his grandpa. I just wish his grandpa wasn't Dan. NATHAN : Me too. We just can't trust him. HALEY : I know. (Jamie enters the room) JAMIE : Who can't we trust? NATHAN : Hey, buddy. You excited for your birthday party today? JAMIE : You were talking about grandpa Dan, right? (Nathan nods) JAMIE : So, can he come? NATHAN : I'm sorry, Jamie. Grandpa Dan's not gonna make it today, okay? (Jamie leaves, sad) BROOKE AND PEYTON'S HOUSE Brooke has done one sketches. Angie is quietly sitting in her booster chair BROOKE : Voila? One down and a zillion to go. Does this say, "I'm cool, a tad slutty, and well-priced"? Thank you. It never gets old hearing how great you are. (Angie starts crying) BROOKE : What? What? No! We were doing so well! What? What is it? Are you tired? Are you hungry? Do you hate my spring line? What? (Brooke shows her the drawing and Angie spits on it and stops crying) BROOKE : Apparently, you're not into feathers. That's okay. A PARK Skills and Peyton are walking SKILLS : Man, I can't believe we found this thing. PEYTON : You seem pretty excited, Skills. Who's the game really for? SKILLS : Well, it's kind of for Jamie, and kind of an excuse for me to spend a little bit more time at the Scott crib. PEYTON : Excuse? Since when do you need an excuse like a worship to you? SKILLS : Yeah, it ain't him, though. It's Nathan and Haley. I don't think they really want me around Jamie since the whole almost-wedding thing. PEYTON : No. I mean, that's ... dude, that's crazy. Nathan and Haley love you. SKILLS : Yeah, but I got they son kidnapped. It just kind of changed things. PEYTON : Look, I don't think it's you. I just think they've been going through a lot lately. SKILLS : Yeah, but that's Naley we talking about, though. They always be going through a lot. PEYTON : Well, hey. I know one thing, and that's ... if you don't ask for something, you can't just expect for it to happen, you know? SKILLS : Yeah, you're right. So, you talk to Lucas? You want him back, don't you? PEYTON : It doesn't matter what I want. And, yeah, I did talk to him, and he's clearly in love with Lindsey. SKILLS : Hmm. That's sweet. And total crap, but, hey. PEYTON : I just want him to be happy. NATHAN AND HALEY'S BEDROOM Lucas is trying to get ready. Haley is with him LUCAS : What do you think about this one? Think Lindsey will like it? HALEY : I think it's just like the other four shirts you tried on. LUCAS : Yeah, but this one's blue. Lindsey really loves blue. HALEY : The right shirt's not gonna bring her back, Luke. LUCAS : Ah, maybe I'll just try the first one again. HALEY : You're my best friend, so I say this out of love. Hey, look at me. You got to give Lindsey time. She'll come back if she's ready. Have you guys been talking much lately? LUCAS : Yeah, a little bit. I mean, we e-mail about the book. HALEY : Just about the book? LUCAS : Yeah, she already knows where I stand on everything else. HALEY : Okay, um, I've been giving you a lot of space because ... well, because I think I know you pretty well, and I think that's what you need. But you know that I'm here for you, right? LUCAS : Yes, Haley, I know that. And I thank you. But you're friends with Lindsey, too, and I don't want to put you in the middle of this. Okay? I got to change. HALEY : No, no. No. Yes, I'm friends with Lindsey, but you are my best friend, and I love you, so if you need me, you better put me in the middle ... or else. (Haley takes the light blue shirt and gives it to Lucas) HALEY : This one. THE APARTMENT Junk and Fergie are coming home. Millicent is on a mat, watching TV and exercising MILLICENT : Hi, guys. How was your day? (The guys just stare at her) FERGIE (whispering to Junk) : So, what are we gonna do? It's a new episode of "tila tequila". MILLICENT : Did you want to watch something else? JUNK : No. We're cool. Fergie's a big fan of yoga. MILLICENT : It's actually pilates. I can change it if you want me to. JUNK : Um, actually, we have to go. We told Haley that we'd help her set up for the party. (They leave but Fergie don't stop staring at her) In Mouth bedroom, Skills is with Mouth SKILLS : How dumb is wrapping paper, man? All you do is rip it off. MOUTH : Yeah, but how great is it that you got Jamie a wii? I got him legos. SKILLS : Yeah. (Skills seems worried) MOUTH : What's going on, skills? SKILLS : I shouldn't have had those beers that day at the wedding, man. MOUTH : Dude, it wasn't your fault. SKILLS : Yes, it was, 'cause I should have went with him. MOUTH : Yeah, that nanny shouldn't have fallen off the crazy train. SKILLS : But what if something bad would have happened to him? MOUTH : Skills, Jamie's fine. You can't go down that road. SKILLS : I just want Nathan and Haley to know I'm sorry. MOUTH : You know, Antwon, I think it's pretty great how much you love Jamie and how good you've been to him, but something tells me Nathan and Haley know it, too. SKILLS : Yeah? Then how come they don't let me come over no more? And the crazy nanny's gone, so I know they need help. Look, I don't blame them. I just wish I could take it all back. I just wish they'd forgive me. MOUTH : They will. And you just got to forgive yourself. INSIDE NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE The party is on. There are lots of kids playing. The door bell rings, Haley opens the door and is face to face with a clown. She closes the door immediatly HALEY : That is so not cool. Who ordered the creepy clown? DEB : I did. He does balloon tricks. (Deb opens the door again) BUCKO : Hiya! It's bucko the clown! Glad to meet ya! DEB : I always liked clowns. Besides, look at the size of his feet. (Haley goes outside) OUTSIDE NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Haley finds Brooke and Peyton parking HALEY : Hey! How's the baby? BROOKE : Wake her up. I'm leaving her here. HALEY : Oh, that bad. PEYTON : Let's just say I could sleep better at a Metallica concert. BROOKE : But she looks so cute today. HALEY : You'll get the hang of it, Brooke. It just takes some practice and learning how to function on no sleep. (Brooke is grabbing Angie's car seat) PEYTON : We're getting the "no sleep" thing down. BROOKE : Oh, yea. It's just so hard. I'm trying to be patient, but I can't get any work done with her wailing all the time. KID (playing and yelling) : Do you have any chicken fingers?! BROOKE : Do you have an inside voice? PEYTON : Brooke, we are outside. (Angie starts crying) BROOKE : No, it's okay. Ohh. Damn kid. PEYTON : That's what cute little babies grow up to be. BROOKE : It's okay. Baby It's okay. (They all go inside) INSIDE NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Nathan and Lucas are putting candles on the cake NATHAN : So, you nervous? LUCAS : About what? NATHAN : Your face-to-face with your ex-fianc? LUCAS : She's not my ex-anything. NATHAN : Well, Haley said you tried on like eight shirts today. LUCAS : It was five. And that's privileged best-friend information. NATHAN : Well, I've got the privileged-husband card. LUCAS : Good point. NATHAN : You really still think she's the one? LUCAS : Yeah, I do. NATHAN : Good. (Haley joins them) HALEY : You boys ready to sing? NATHAN : You're the singer. HALEY : You can't afford me. NATHAN : All right. (Nathan grabs the cake and everybody start singing) EVERYBODY : Happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday, dear Jamie happy birthday to you HALEY : Make a wish, Jamie Something you really want. (Jamie closes his eyes. Lindsey enters the room at that moment) JAMIE : I know what I want more than anything! Fergie, Junk and skills are blowing up balloons with helium and inhale it FERGIE (funny voice) : Brooke, Peyton... (Deb walks by) FERGIE (funny voice) : .. and deb. Do, dump, or marry? JUNK (funny voice): I'd marry deb. FERGIE (funny voice): I'd much rather do deb. SKILLS (funny voice): Keep dreaming. (Millicent joins them) MILLICENT : Whatcha talking about? JUNK (funny voice): I got to take a leak. FERGIE (funny voice): Me too. (Fergie and Junk leave) MILLICENT : Do those two do everything together? SKILLS : Who, dumb and dumber? Yeah, pretty much. But I love them, though. MILLICENT : Skills, you know, I'm really enjoying living with you guys, but is everyone okay with me being there? SKILLS : You really want to know? MILLICENT : Please. They hate me, right? SKILLS : Nah, it ain't like that. It's just that our apartment's always been a guys' crib. You know, no rules. I mean, we got video games and beer, and sometimes we have these ridiculous water fights. You know, just guy stuff. MILLICENT : I'm killing the fun. SKILLS : I mean, we're trying to clean up our act, but bad habits die hard. (Skills leaves and we see Millicent having an idea) Brooke is changing Angie in Jamie's bedroom BROOKE : Come on. (Jamie enters) BROOKE : Hey, birthday boy. You want to help me change her? JAMIE : She's a girl. That's gross. Where's Owen? BROOKE : Owen was not ready for an emotional relationship that had responsibilities exceeding those of pouring drinks in a bar. JAMIE : He didn't like what was under the clothes, did he? BROOKE : He never got what was under the clothes, thank you very much. JAMIE : You want to play a game or something? BROOKE : I'd love to, sweetie, but I'm a little busy with Angie right now. Can we play later? (Jamie doesn't answer and seems sad) BROOKE : Hey. You want to know a secret? (Jamie nods) BROOKE : You know why I decided to take care of Angie? 'Cause of you, buddy. You showed me how awesome kids are. You know nobody's ever gonna replace you, right? Okay. Now, I've been really busy with this one, so I haven't had time to get your birthday present, but I think this year you're old enough to pick out your own. JAMIE : I am? BROOKE : I think so. (Brooke writes him a check) BROOKE : What do you think of that? JAMIE : Whoa. That's a lot of zeros. BROOKE : Yeah, don't spend it all in one place, huh? (Jamie kisses Brooke) BROOKE : Happy birthday. (And he kisses Angie) BROOKE : Who's that? Who's that? It's Jamie. I think she likes you. Downstairs, the party is still on. Lucas comes to talk to Lindsey LUCAS : I grabbed you a corner piece, with extra frosting. LINDSEY : I was wondering what our first words would be. LUCAS : Well, it was either that or "I think about you every day". Yeah, I'm glad I led with the frosting. LINDSEY : So, how's the book coming, Luke? LUCAS : Good. Uh, I took your notes on chapter 7,but I'm still not comfortable with the ending. LINDSEY : You'll find it when you're ready. LUCAS AND LINDSEY (at the same time) : So. LINDSEY : I was thinking I might stop by after the party. LUCAS : That'd be great. (Jamie joins them) LINDSEY : Hey! LUCAS : Hey! LINDSEY : There he is. So, does your party rock or what? JAMIE : Are you coming home? LINDSEY : Well ... JAMIE : 'cause uncle Lucas really misses you. LUCAS : We're still working on that, buddy, but, uh, thanks. (Lucas gives a bill) LUCAS : Now go play with your friends. JAMIE : Cool! This is the best birthday ever! (Jamie leaves) Peyton is looking at Lucas and Lindsey from afar. Skills comes SKILLS : You talk to him? PEYTON : There's nothing left to say. SKILLS : There's always something left to say. Or I don't know. Maybe you need to just start moving past all this. PEYTON : I wish it was that easy. SKILLS : Well, maybe one day you'll wake up and life without Lucas ain't that hard to face. PEYTON : Maybe. SKILLS : But until that day comes, I just want to let you know, I'm rooting for you, P.Sawyer. PEYTON : You talk to Nathan and Haley yet? SKILLS : Oh, well, they was getting some animal balloons made and ... PEYTON : you're being a wuss. Man up, dude. And if you're not gonna do it for yourself, then do it for Jamie. I'm sure he misses you. (Skills look at Lucas) SKILLS : Yeah. You too. Deb is with the clown who's making balloons BUCKO : It's a rabbit. DEB : Well, I was thinking a tiger might be more appropriate. BUCKO : I'm just getting warmed up. DEB : Very, very impressive. (The door bell rings) DEB : Excuse me. (Deb opens the door) DAN : Deb. (She pushes Dan and goes with him outside. OUTSIDE NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE DEB : What are you doing here? DAN : Wow, Deb, you look... awful. And I've barely seen a woman in five years. DEB : You're not coming in. DAN : I just want to wish my grandson a happy birthday. DEB : It'll be a lot happier when you leave. (Bucko comes outside) DAN : Come on, Deb. Step aside. I'll find you a few pills you can pop. DEB : I said no. BUCKO : Is everything okay? DAN : Who's this clown? BUCKO : I'm bucko. DEB : Be careful, Bucko. He's done time. BUCKO : Haven't we all? DAN : Just see that my grandson gets this, Bucko. (Dan gives a package to Bucko and Deb goes back inside with the clown) INSIDE NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE The party is still on. Peyton comes to see Lindsey PEYTON : Hi. LINDSEY : Peyton... I can't believe Jamie's 5. PEYTON : It's crazy, right? So, how have you been? LINDSEY : Fine. Well, not really fine. Let's just say fine. PEYTON : Lindsey, huh... LINDSEY : There's nothing for you to say. PEYTON : No, there is, okay? I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the way things turned out, and I'm sorry for the way I treated you, and I never wanted ... I just. I'm so sorry. LINDSEY : I can't blame you, Peyton. PEYTON : Please, do. Blame me, 'cause it would make me feel better. LINDSEY : I can't. It's not your fault. Because I could have said "yes". (Lindsey leaves) Skills comes to talk to Nathan and Haley SKILLS : I know it's a party and all, but can I talk to you guys for a second? HALEY : Uh, yeah. NATHAN : Sure. (They go to the kitchen) SKILLS : I just want to apologize for what happened again at the wedding. NATHAN : Skills, it wasn't your fault. SKILLS : Yeah, I know, but you trusted me, and I let you guys down. Look, I know I should have went to the bathroom with Jamie, and I understand why you don't want me to babysit him no more. HALEY : Oh, Antwon, that's not it. It's more about us than it is you. To be honest, we've ... we've been having a hard time just trusting him with anyone lately. SKILLS : Yeah, but you know I'd give my life for that boy. NATHAN : We know that. Jamie's lucky to have you. HALEY : So are we. I promise. (Lucas interrupts them) LUCAS : Hey, guys. Uh, Jamie's chomping at the bit to open his presents. Everybody around Jamie. He starts opening his presents HALEY : Oh wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! (Haley sits next to Jamie) HALEY : Okay, go ahead. JAMIE : All right. (Jamie opens the first one) DEB : Hmm, wonder what it is. (It's a book) JAMIE : Thanks, uncle Lucas. LUCAS : How'd you know it was from me? JAMIE : It's a book. SKILLS : How boring can you get? HALEY : Okay, what next? (Jamie opens Dan's present. It's a jersey with the number 23 on it) JAMIE : Look, daddy. It's your number. NATHAN : It is, huh? HALEY : Jamie, who gave this to you? JAMIE : I don't know, mama. HALEY : There's no card. (Deb doesn't say anything, just makes eye contact with Nathan) MOUTH : All right. (Jamie tries it on) After having seen all the kids leaving, Haley is inside and find Deb walking out the bathroom HALEY : Oh Deb, thank you, the party turned out fantastic. Thanks for all your help. DEB : Oh, it was my pleasure. HALEY : Yeah, Jamie loves having his grandma around, and so do we. (Deb has some white powder on her neck) HALEY : You have something ... (Bucko comes out of the bathroom too) DEB : It's not what it look... HALEY : Ah... The less I know, the better. Add that to my list of clown nightmares. In the living room, Jamie is playing with is new toys alone. Skills joins him SKILLS : What's up, little man? You have a happy birthday? Get everything you want? JAMIE : Almost. SKILLS : Almost? That ain't good. What you wish for? JAMIE : Like, the coolest thing in the world. SKILLS : Oh, like a hot girl that likes to kiss other hot girls? JAMIE : No, like a wii. SKILLS : A wii? What's that? JAMIE : Never mind. (Skills gives him his gift) SKILLS : Well, you still ain't opened my gift yet. (Jamie opens it) JAMIE : It's a wii! Thank you, thank you! It's awesome! SKILLS : And you ain't think I knew what a wii was. I'm not that old. JAMIE : You want to play with me? I would love to. Come on. OUTSIDE NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Brooke is trying to put Angie's car seat in her car. Lucas comes to help her LUCAS : Hey. BROOKE : Huh? (Lucas fixes up the car seat) BROOKE : Does everyone know more about babies than me? LUCAS : Perks of having a little sister born when you're 18. How's it going? BROOKE : It's great ... when she's not hungry or tired or gassy. Except she's always hungry or tired or gassy so. LUCAS : I remember when lily was born, and she had this thing where she wouldn't sleep unless someone was holding her. BROOKE : Sounds like a lot of girls I know. LUCAS : You're doing great, Brooke. BROOKE : All I can think about is her pre-op appointment with the heart surgeon. I'm freaking out. LUCAS : You want me to come with you? BROOKE : No. You don't have to do that. LUCAS : I know, but. I'd like to. BROOKE : Okay. Thanks. (After a blank) BROOKE : I saw you talking to your runaway bride in there. Care to give me any spoilers? LUCAS : Uh, you know, I think I'm gonna see how this one plays out before I go and write a book about it. (Angie starts crying) BROOKE : There's my cue. (Brooke starts leaving but stops and gives Lucas a hug) BROOKE : You're doing great, too, Lucas Scott. LUCAS' HOUSE Lucas opens his bedroom door to Lindsey LUCAS : Hi. Lose your key? LINDSEY : I didn't feel right using it. (He sees Lindsey holding a bag) LUCAS : You're coming home? LINDSEY : No, Luke, it's empty. I came to get the rest of my things. (She packs her stuff) LUCAS : Oh, I just thought maybe you were coming back. Maybe you could just spend the night, you know? So we could at least talk a little. LINDSEY : What's left to say? LUCAS : Lindsey, I love you. LINDSEY : I love you, too, Luke, but it takes more than love to build a marriage. LUCAS : I'm willing to learn. Whatever it takes to make you come back. (Lindsey holding him her key) LUCAS : Keep the key. This is your home. (Lindsey turns around and put the key on the drawer before leaving) THE APARTMENT Fergie and Junk are watching TV FERGIE : I didn't know pilates was so ... sensual? (Mouth arrives) MOUTH : Didn't know you guys were into yoga. JUNK AND FERGIE (at the same time) : It's pilates. (Mouth sits with them) MOUTH : I didn't know pilates was so... FERGIE : Erotic. JUNK : So, Mouth, where's your girlfriend? MOUTH : Easy. JUNK : No, I mean, seriously, where'd she go? MOUTH : I don't know. She said she had to run out. And her name's Millicent, by the way. (Millicent enters the apartment with beers and pizzas) MILLICENT : Hi, guys. FERGIE : Oh, please tell me those are for us. MOUTH : Milly, what's going on? (She grabs a water gun) MILLICENT : Stashed throughout the room, you will find various heavy artillery. I want you all to consider your next move very carefully. MOUTH : Come on. (They start a water fight) LUCAS' HOUSE Lucas is lying on his bed, playing with Lindsey's key. Someone knocks at the door. It's Brooke with Angie BROOKE : Tell me again how great I'm doing. LUCAS : Yeah, I know how you feel, kid. BROOKE : I have to get these sketches done for macy's, and she just won't stop. LUCAS : Come on in. NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Haley is playing piano, Peyton is with her HALEY : So, how was today? PEYTON : Just like every day. HALEY : Well, there's always tomorrow. Peyton, are you really in love with Lucas, or are you just in love with the idea of him? PEYTON : If I'm being honest. maybe a little bit of both. I think I miss what I thought we would be. LUCAS' HOUSE In the living room, Brooke is doing her sketches while Lucas is playing with Angie BROOKE : She adores you, Luke. LUCAS : Well, maybe she can put in a good word for me with Lindsey. BROOKE : It's kind of strange, isn't it? Is this how you thought our lives would turn out? LUCAS : Yeah, with me being stood up at the altar and you taking care of a kid that's not yours? Not exactly. BROOKE : Do you ever want to go back? I remember being 16, and everything just seemed much easier. Would you do it differently? LUCAS : I'd try to appreciate the things I took for granted. But I think we have to go through all this stuff, you know, to get to the places we want to be. BROOKE : Yeah. Well, I should go. At least if you want to get any sleep tonight. LUCAS : How are the designs coming? BROOKE : Good. I just have a few more. (After a blank) LUCAS : Stay. And finish them. I don't mind. BROOKE : Really? LUCAS : Yeah, it's kind of nice. BROOKE : Yeah. LUCAS (voiceover) : Sometimes when you're young, you think nothing can hurt you. It's like being invincible... NATHAN AND HALEY'S HOUSE Jamie is playing the wii with skills. Haley arrives HALEY : I think it's bedtime for the birthday boy. JAMIE : One more game. Please? SKILLS : Yeah, please? HALEY : All right, one more game, but then it's off to bed. LUCAS (voiceover) : .. Your whole life is ahead of you, and you have big plans... SKILLS : I got you. THE APARTMENT Millicent and the guy are playing. Milly is with Mouth LUCAS (voiceover) : Big plans. To find your perfect match. MOUTH : Cover me. (They kiss) MOUTH : 1.2.3! LUCAS (voiceover) : ...The one that completes you... LUCAS' HOUSE Brooke felt asleep on the couch. Lucas is holding Angie, who's asleep to, he puts a blanket on Brooke and sits beside her. She kinda wakes up and snuggles up to him. DAN'S HOUSE Nathan comes to see his dad LUCAS (voiceover : ...but as you get older, you realize it's not always that easy... NATHAN : I told you to stay away from my family. DAN : I know. NATHAN : Then why did you give Jamie my first jersey? DAN : I was just sorting through some old stuff, and I thought your son might appreciate a piece of his father. (Dan gives Nathan a paper) DAN : This is for you. (It's Dan's will) LUCAS (voiceover) : ...It's not until the end of your life that you realize how the plans you made were simply plans... NATHAN : You're giving me the beach house. DAN : We've had some great times here, Nathan, before. Before all of it. Maybe your family will, too. NATHAN : I don't want it. I don't want any of it. DAN : Son. I have a bad heart. NATHAN : You're just realizing that, dad? (Nathan starts leaving) LUCAS (voiceover) : ...At the end, when you're looking back instead of forward,.. DAN : It's my hcm, son. LUCAS (voiceover) : ...you want to believe that you made the most of what life gave you... DAN : I need a heart transplant. LUCAS (voiceover) : ...You want to believe that you're leaving something good behind... DAN : I have six months to live. (Nathan leaves anyway) LUCAS (voiceover) : ...you want it all to have mattered.	Plan: A: Lindsey; Q: Who returns to Tree Hill for Jamie's fifth birthday party? A: their relationship; Q: What does Lindsey's return to Tree Hill give Lucas hope for? A: life; Q: What are Brooke and Peyton preparing for with a new baby? A: Dan; Q: Who tries to insert himself back into the lives of his family? A: Nathan.[31; Q: Who does Dan reveal a secret to? A: Butterfly Boucher; Q: Who wrote the song that inspired the episode? Summary: Lindsey returns to Tree Hill for Jamie's fifth birthday party, giving Lucas hope for their relationship. Brooke and Peyton prepare for life with a new baby. Dan tries to insert himself back into the lives of his family, ultimately revealing a secret to Nathan.[31] This episode is named after a song by Butterfly Boucher .
[A Café] (Elena is writing in her diary. She rips a page but it flies away. She tries to get it and sees Stefan) Stefan: Did you lose something? Elena: Uh, yes. It's a particularly mortifying page from my journal Stefan: Ah. You, uh, censor your journal? Pretty sure that's against journal rules Elena: And I'm pretty sure that you're not the journal police. Trust me, it's really bad Stefan: I'm officially intrigued Elena: And I'm officially not kidding. Thank you.I'm Elena Stefan: I'm Stefan [Middle of the Road] (Stefan is nearly ran over by a car) [Whitmore College] (Elena suddenly wakes up) Caroline: You ok? Elena: Yeah. I just... I just had a really crazy dream [Salvatore's House] (Damon and Enzo are playing pool) Enzo: So you broke up. That I get. Then you slept together. Not smart, but again, I get it. Now here's where it gets a bit hazy for me. You went to a parent-teacher conference? Damon: Jeremy was having some trouble at school Enzo: Right. Then the kicker. You offer to drive her back to campus, and she says she can't be around you. I mean, I'm just confused even thinking about it. Can't imagine how you feel Damon: I'm fine. We're just taking some time apart Enzo: Yeah, of course. A friends phase, where you, her friend, watch as she moves on with her life, finds a new boyfriend, perhaps a nice gentleman from a fraternity... Chance or Brock Damon: Does your mysteriously missing girlfriend know how insufferable you are? Maybe that's why you haven't found her. She doesn't want to be found! Enzo: I haven't found her because the Travelers, i.e. my only lead, decided to play a fun game of spontaneous combustion before giving me what they promised Damon: Right. Now you're here annoying me Enzo: We could always go kill people, but I suppose that's what got you into this problem in the first place [Mystic Grill] (Caroline and Elena arrive) Caroline: Well, I guess my mom's not here yet. I'm gonna get us some coffees Elena: Sure Vision [A House] (Elena and Stefan arrive) Stefan: Here you go Elena: I'm gonna need these. I'm so clumsy Stefan: So, uh, you hated the movie, huh? Elena: No. I didn't hate it. I just wasn't exactly paying attention either. So do you want to dinner some... Stefan: We should, uh, do this again sometime. Yeah Elena: Sure Stefan: Good Elena: Sorry. That's my dad, waiting up for me. It's so embarrassing Stefan: I'm really looking forward to dinner Elena: Me, too Stefan: Good night Back to reality [Mystic Grill] Caroline: My mom's 5 minutes away.Elena?Hello? Elena! Elena: How did I get here?I was just standing at the doorway Caroline: Uh, you walked.Hang on. Did you just have one of those dreams like, right here? Elena: It didn't feel like a dream, ok? It felt like it was real, like I was just there Caroline: That's weird Elena: Caroline, if you bite your tongue any harder, you'll bleed. Say it Caroline: It's Psych 101. Actually, it's whatever comes before 101. You told Damon that you couldn't see him anymore, and now you're having dreams about Stefan? Elena: It's not just about Stefan, ok? My parents were still alive. It was like a different life (Caroline's phone rings. She answers) Caroline: Stefan, hey Stefan: Hey Caroline: Is everything ok? Stefan: Well, you know how sometimes you feel crazy and you call me and I tell you that you're not crazy? Caroline: Even though most of the time I am Stefan: Well, I need you to tell me that I'm not crazy Caroline: Uh, no promises Stefan: I was walking to my car, and I nearly got plowed over in the middle of the street because I was having some vision of Elena Caroline: I take that back. Actually, you're not crazy at all. Something's going on [Whitmore College] (Bonnie is walking on campus and is on the phone) Jeremy: Hey. It's Jeremy. Leave a message Bonnie: Hey, Jeremy. It's me Bonnie Bennett, your girlfriend, just in case you need reminding, which I'm happy to keep doing until you call me back. So call me (She hangs up and then sees her grams) Bonnie: Hey, grams Sheila: I heard the Travelers did a number on you last night Bonnie: Did you read that in the other side newsletter? Grams, you don't look right Sheila: Something's wrong over here, Bonnie. Some of the witches think that the Travelers tried to overwhelm you so that someone could get through Bonnie: As in come back? Sheila: Whoever it is, he's hiding from us, and now this place is... Bonnie: That wasn't creepy. What's going on over here? Sheila: I don't know, but whatever the Travelers did and whoever managed to get through, it's got the witches scared [Lockwood Mansion] (Liv is with Matt, Tyler and Jeremy) Liv: The Travelers are here, and our goal is to get rid of them, but before I put my faith in the 3 Stooges, I need to make sure that none of you are harboring a passenger Matt: So you want us to stab ourselves? Liv: This knife is the only thing that will get rid of them Matt: Again, you want us to stab ourselves? Jeremy: Just do it so we can get on with this Matt: Says the hunter with the Traveler-proof head Tyler: I'll do it Matt: And the hybrid, who heals Tyler: Dude, you have a magic ring that brings you back from the dead. Quit bitching Liv: Shoulder. Shouldn't hurt too much. Not too deep. I can help if you... So much testosterone, so few brain cells Jeremy: Ok. So we're all in the clear. Want to tell us exactly what we're doing here? Liv: Easy. You just have to do that about a hundred more times, only to other people. Look. The truth is that my coven has been tracking the Travelers for thousands of years. They're always on the move, but there have been a few times in history when they have stopped to gather. Freaky part is that no one's ever noticed because one by one they've taken over towns by putting passengers inside the townsfolk. We think they're doing the same thing in Mystic Falls [Salvatore's House] (Enzo and Damon are still playing pool) Enzo: Care to lose again, or shall we move on to step two of Elenaless Damon? Damon: You know, bringing up her name defeats the purpose of me trying to forget about her Enzo: Bring up whose name? Elena Damon: Whatever (His phone rings) Damon: Speak of the devil [Mystic Grill] (Elena hangs up. Caroline sees Matt and goes talk to him) Caroline: Hey. Have you heard from my mom? Matt: No. Why? Caroline: Well, she was supposed to meet me here, and now she's not texting me back. If you see her, will you just let her know that something came up? Matt: Yeah, of course Caroline: Ok. Thanks [Salvatore's House] (Damon ignores the call) Damon: Damon one, temptation zero (Enzo's phone rings) Enzo: Temptation one, Enzo... (He answers) Enzo: Hello, gorgeous Caroline: Can you tell Damon that there's something going on with Elena and Stefan? Damon: What? Caroline: Well, you know how we all laughed off the notion that the universe is drawing Stefan and Elena together? Damon: Yeah Caroline: Well, that's happening Damon: What's happening? Caroline: Now that Stefan's doppelhim... Damon: Tom? Caroline: Tom, yes.Now that Tom is dead, Stefan and Elena are the last pair of doppelgangers, which might explain why Stefan and Elena are suddenly having vision-type situations of each other Damon: Wait. What kind of visions? Enzo: You know what she's not telling you. Somebody's having sx dreams Elena: They're not sx dreams! Caroline: Yeah. They're more like romance dreams Damon: I don't need to know that. Where's Stefan? Caroline: He went to the Traveler camp to see if anyone's still there that can tell him what's going on Enzo: Yeah, good luck with that Caroline: Well, it's our only lead. Look. All we know is that Tom is dead, the Travelers just committed a mass suicide, and now Stefan and Elena, who are clearly not together anymore, are having intense visions of each other Damon: Find a witch, get her over here. Let's figure out what the hell's going on [Lockwood's Mansion] (Someone knocks on the door. Jeremy opens the door. It's Bonnie) Jeremy: Bonnie Bonnie: Surprise. Actually not really. I left you a voicemail, and I texted Jeremy: Yeah, I know, I know. Sorry. I, um... I've just been busy moving and stuff Bonnie: Right. All your stuff. Anyway, I need your help. I think something's going on on the other side Jeremy: What do you mean? Bonnie: My grams says the witches are worried someone got out,and I thought since you could see ghosts... (Liv enters) Liv: Jeremy, come on. Back to work Bonnie: Liv's here? Are you kidding me? Liv: It's not what it looks like. Jeremy hired me to help him with math Bonnie: Right. Was that before or after you lied to my face and tried to kill his sister? Tell me what's going on Jeremy: I can't. I'm sorry. We have this handled. I just... I need you to trust me, ok? (Bonnie leaves) Jeremy: I told you I didn't want to keep any secrets Liv: Nothing personal, Jer, but sneaking up on the Travelers requires them not to know that we're doing it. I already broke my rule once for Matt and Tyler. I'm not doing it again (Tyler rejoins them. He's on the phone) Tyler: Where are you now? [Sherif's Department] (Matt is there) Matt: Checking on the sheriff, but she's not here.I know it's probably nothing, but if I were gonna take over a town... Tyler: You'd start at the top. Don't do anything stupid before I get there Matt: I can't do anything until you bring the Traveler knife, so hurry up (Liz enters) Liz: Traveler knife? Matt: Sheriff, hey Liz: Who you talking to? Matt: Uh, Caroline. She said you missed lunch, so I told her I'd check up on you Liz: You mentioned a Traveler knife Matt: Did I? Maybe you misheard Liz: I didn't [A Street] (Bonnie is walking and sees Matt) Bonnie: Matt? What are you doing here? Matt: I'm dead, Bon,but the sheriff's in trouble Bonnie: What? Matt: Just tell Jeremy. He'll know what I mean. I'm sorry to do this to you, Bon [The Other Side] (Matt wakes up and sees a man) Matt: Can you see me? Are you a witch? Then how? (Kol is there too) Kol: It's all topsy-turvy over here, darling, but I've got to say it's good to be seen. Don't tell me you don't remember me. Kol, original vampire, murdered pointlessly by Jeremy Gilbert Matt: Yeah, I know who you are. I thought the whole point of this place was to live out your afterlife in solitude. Why can I see you? Kol: Well, apparently there's trouble in paradise. The rumblings from the witches is that somebody tore his way out of here,and now this whole place is unraveling. Not that that matters to you. You're just on holiday, which means you're going back Matt: Vicki Kol: Never heard of her Matt: She's my sister. She's over here. If I can see you, then that means I can see her [Salvatore's House] (Enzo opens the door to Caroline and Elena) Enzo: I thought you were bringing a witch Caroline: We said we'd call her. We didn't say we'd pick her up Elena: So where's, uh... where's Damon? (Damon enters) Damon: Hi Elena: Hi Enzo: So who could use a drink from the library? Caroline: Yes, please (They leave) Elena: Well, at least they're not being obvious. You got a pool table Damon: Yeah. I figured pool was a good outlet to put this pent-up energy that I seem to now have Elena: Yeah. I went running today, 10 miles. Could have gone 20 Damon: Yeah (Caroline and Enzo are in the library) Caroline: Oh. This is so bad. They're fishing for small talk. We should do something Enzo: Or we could stay and let them amuse us as they resist the desire to tear each other's clothes off Damon: Drink? Elena: Probably not a good idea. Inhibitions and all Damon: Well, wouldn't want that Elena: Can we not do this? Damon: We're not doing anything. I think that's part of the problem. We're just standing clothed, just standing, doing nothing Elena: I mean, the whole strained, awkward, don't know how to act part. Can't we just be friends and do friendly things? Enzo: Ouch! She used the f-word. Poor bstrd Caroline: But I thought that's what this was Enzo: Oh, it is, but it was never explicitly stated until now Caroline: And that matters because? Enzo: Well, because until it's officially out there, there's still hope, and hope... hope can trick you into all sorts of hilariously unrealistic scenarios Caroline: You mean Maggie? So what happened? Enzo: Well, the Travelers forgot to tell me where Maggie was before they lit themselves on fire. Talk about a lead going up in smoke Caroline: Yeah, but... and no offense... but even if she still was alive, wouldn't she be, like, really old? Enzo: 70 years of captivity, and she was the face that I clung on to... the notion that one day I'd get out and see her again. I don't want to date her, Caroline. I want to thank her Damon: So having sx dreams about my brother Elena: Wow! Ok. Yeah, that's definitely one way to change the subject Damon: Well, I just thought I'd skip the uncomfortable parts Elena: Yeah. Look. I don't know what the visions mean, Damon. It's just random snippets of Stefan and me living in some alternate reality Damon: I'm gonna regret this, but... By any chance are fantasy Elena and fantasy Stefan really, really, really happy? Elena: Um... Damon: Right. Well, as your friend, let me state the obvious that the prophecy says that you two are fated to be together. You're supposed to be together (Someone knocks on the door. Damon opens it. It's Luke) Damon: We're all good on bibles, thanks Luke: I'm Luke Parker, Liv's twin brother Damon: Liv has a twin? Is it possible for there just to be one of someone around here? Elena: Where's Liv? Luke: Busy Damon: Come on in [Sheriff's Department] (Liz comes out. Tyler rejoins her) Tyler: Hey, Sheriff Liz: Hey, Tyler. Staying out of trouble? Tyler: Yeah. You know me Liz: I certainly do, and hybrids are not above the law, so do me a favor. Keep the day drinking at the grill on the D.L., please. It's bad for business Tyler: Right. Will do Liz: Anyway, I'm running late Tyler: My mom says hi Liz: Send her my best, ok? Tyler: You're ok. You're safe now [Salvatore's House] (Everyone is gathered in the living room) Damon: What do you mean you can't stop their visions? Luke: Our magic doesn't work like that. We're not bigger than the universe Damon: Then why are you are in my house? Luke: Because we need your help. We think the Travelers are about to make their move. Their leader Markos is here Damon: From where? Chant camp? Luke: The other side. He's been dead for centuries, and we think the fire sacrifice allowed him to escape Elena: Perfect. A dead old guy with a mysterious, evil plan. I'll take that drink now Caroline: Stefan just called. He said the scrap yard's been completely cleared out Damon: And let me guess... the witches don't know where Markos is Luke: You guys said the visions are trying to draw Elena and Stefan together for something Elena: For our doppelganger blood. The Travelers need it for some prophecy Luke: And if the Travelers are the ones who need your blood, doesn't it make sense that you're not only being drawn together but also... Elena: Being drawn to them Damon: Well, this just keeps getting better and better Caroline: Wait. I don't get it Enzo: If the visions are a road map, then we need more clues. Break out the popcorn, blondie. Elena's little sx romp isn't over yet (Damon is outside. Elena rejoins him) Elena: What are you doing out here? Damon: Aw, you know, looking at the stars, listening to the universe laugh at me Elena: Damon... Damon: We were doomed from the beginning, Elena. We were always gonna end up here Elena: Damon, they're just visions. As soon as we find Markos, they'll stop Damon: And then what? We're friends? Can't wait Elena: Look. I know we're in a little bit of a weird place right now. Hey. Look at me. The universe doesn't control anything. It's not real Vision [SCENE_BREAK] [A House] (Elena rejoins Stefan) Elena: You're really trying to pull off this chef thing Stefan: Yeah. Well, it's our anniversary, so, uh, no holding back Elena: Well, if it turns out anything like your last 22 attempts, wine Stefan: Mmm. Perfect Elena: I always forget. Where do we put the opener? Stefan: Oh. No, no, no. Not that drawer, not that one Elena: Yes Stefan: You didn't even open it Elena: I don't have to Stefan: I love you Elena: I love you, too Back to reality [Salvatore's House] Damon: Elena Elena: Did I just...? Damon: Yep Enzo: That good, eh? Elena: He's here. I know where Markos is. 4620 Walnut Drive [The Other Side] Matt: Vicki! Vick! How am I back here? Vicki: Matt! Matt: Vick? Vicki: Matty, I'm here Matt: I'm here now. It's ok Vicki: No. Listen to me. It's not ok. Something's wrong.Look at this place. Matty, you need to get to your body and go back Matt: I'm not leaving you again. We're getting out of here. Take my hand. Let's go. Take my hand!Vicki! Vicki!Vicki! Vicki! I won't let you go! Vicki: Matt, I love you... But I'm already dead Matt: Noooo! Vicki! Vicki! Vick! [A House] (Damon and Enzo arrive and enter) Damon: Huh. Clear Enzo: I wonder if this is where Stefan and Elena had crazy vision s*x. Eh, it's probably the bedroom. Stefan's pretty vanilla, but apparently that's Elena's favorite flavor Damon: I'm gonna staple your tongue to your chin Man: Not in my house, please Damon: Markos I take it. Well, I'm not Stefan, and this is not Elena Markos: Why are you here? Damon: I was about to ask you the same question. Plus, what do you want, and why are the doppelgangers having visions of each other? Markos: First two are complicated. Last one's easy. I'm the reason Stefan and Elena are having visions of each other Damon: You? Enzo: Well, would you look at that. I think we just met the universe Damon: You mind telling me what the hell is going on? Markos: Well, I'm afraid the doppelganger lore's been misinterpreted over the ages Damon: As in there is no prophecy? Markos: The prophecy is that the doppelganger blood can help the Travelers, but they're being drawn together because of a spell I cast 1,500 years ago. I had no idea where they were, and it turns out the best way to get people to go searching for each other is the promise of true love. Is it stuffy in here?Why don't we take a walk? You stay here Enzo: Not bloody likely Markos: You want to find Maggie? You stay here.Shall we? [A Street] (Damon and Markos are walking) Markos: Mystic Falls is a beautiful town Damon: Oh, yeah.Picket fences, block parties, uncannily high death rate Markos: You take your homes for granted Damon: I'm sorry. Are we walking so I don't fall asleep? Markos: 2,000 years ago, Silas and Qetsiyah cast a spell for immortality.It created a schism in the Traveler community, giving rise to the witches. They tried to keep us scattered to make us forget how powerful we can be Damon: And thus began the war between the Travelers and the Witches, and it's still rages on and on. Sorry. I just nodded off Markos: The witches put a curse on us that kept us from settling down as a tribe. Whenever we've tried to gather, disaster struck... plagues, earthquakes, fire. Something inevitably wiped us out Damon: Let me guess... the doppelgangers can fix this. So you found them. Now what? Markos: We simply need their blood, but we're not your enemy, Damon, and to prove that to you, I'm gonna stop their visions. The curse might prevent us from gathering in our own bodies, but we've found ways around that Damon: Passengers. So how many of you are there? Markos: A few... Here and there.Shall I continue? Vision [A House] (Elena is in the kitchen, listening to the radio) Radio: ...Winds that cool. Low temperatures expected (Stefan enters) Stefan: Hey. So I, um... I got your aunt Jenna a wine of the month thing. Think she'll like that? Elena: The only thing I think she would have liked more would have been a wine of the day thing Stefan: Thank you Elena: Oh. I talked to Jeremy, and he's bringing a girl home this year Stefan: Ooh. So is Damon Elena: Hmm. I'm sure they'll both be lovely Stefan: Liar. Hey, guys, share, please Elena: Do you know that she bit him this morning? Stefan: Really? Nice Elena: Stefan, don't encourage that Stefan: What? Everybody loves a biter Elena: Oh, yeah? I'll bite you Stefan: Good. I'll bite you right back Back to Reality [A Street] (Markos and the travelers stop) Markos: It's done [Salvatore's House] (Elena is in the living room. Stefan is here too) Stefan: Elena Elena: Did you feel that, too? Stefan: And then it just ended Elena: Does that mean that it's over? Stefan: Yeah. It's over Elena: They weren't real Stefan: It was a spell, showing us what we wanted to see Elena: We weren't vampires,my parents were still alive. It was a fantasy, like a movie. It was the life that we never could have had Stefan: But it still felt... Elena: Amazing? Stefan: Yeah. But, you know, the life that we had, I mean, that was amazing, too, and it wasn't a spell or a prophecy. It was real. We fell in love on our own. We had ups and downs, we fought Elena: I died Stefan: Yeah. We changed, both of us. We grew, and we grew apart, but that is real. I mean, that's life Elena: You couldn't cook Stefan: And you could. Again, a fantasy. I'll always love you, Elena Elena: I will always love you, too. Do you think Damon and I will ever be able to talk like this, like friends? Stefan: I think you can either be friends with someone or in love with them. I don't think you can be both [The Other Side] (Kol rejoins Matt) Kol: All right, then.Mourning time over. Chip-chop. Not to be insensitive, but she was already dead. Little bit of a grief overkill, don't you think? Matt: Where'd she go? Did she move on?Did she find peace? Because it certainly didn't look like that Kol: I don't know where she went, and honestly, I would love to never find out, which is why I need you back in your body, shouting from the rooftops about what happened here Matt: It doesn't matter. When I go back, I'm not gonna remember any of this Kol: Well, you better find a way to remember it. Look. You might not like me, but I'm not the only one over here, and if this place goes down, then what happened to your sister is going to happen to us all. Please, mate, you have to go back. You have to find out how to stop this [Sheriff's Department] (Bonnie and Jeremy are waiting for Matt to wake up) Bonnie: What? Jeremy: I just realized you're the only person in this office the sheriff hasn't killed Bonnie: You're making jokes now Jeremy: Bonnie, look. I'm sorry for everything. This whole thing with Liv, it had nothing to do with her. I was just trying to protect you Bonnie: Ok. Here's what's not ok. Do what you want to protect me, but don't fall off the face of the earth, especially with someone who was caught lying to me and who tried to kill Elena. Don't put me in a position where I have to question you because I... Jeremy: I know. Because of Anna. Look. I know I messed up Bonnie: Listen. I was gonna say because I choose to trust you, and I want to be right (Matt wakes up) Bonnie: Matt, are you ok, are you ok? Jeremy: You died and came back from the other side Matt: I know. I remember Bonnie: You remember? That doesn't happen Matt: One second, I was holding Vick... Jeremy: Wait. You saw Vicki? Matt: She pushed me away, and then... and then she just disappeared. What's going on over the, Bon? Bonnie: I don't know [Salvatore's House] (Damon rejoins Elena) Damon: I think we need some rules here because if I'm not allowed to drive you home, then I definitely don't think you're allowed to ambush me in my bedroom Elena: I just... I just wanted to say thank you. Whatever you did, it worked Damon: Well, I'm sorry to tear you away from paradise Elena: It was paradise actually Damon: I told you I don't want to know Elena: But you need to know. I saw a perfect life. Stefan and I were married, and we had kids. It was everything that we wanted Damon: Well, we can always ask Markos to put it back Elena: But it's not real. You and I, we're messy and complicated, but we're real Damon: And really bad for each other. Did you forget that part? Elena: Yeah, but I still need you in my life Damon: As friends, right? Right. No, Elena. I can't be your friend. It's too damn hard Elena: Damon... Damon: No. I'm serious, Elena. I can't see you anymore. I don't want to hear your voice, I don't want to talk to you, I don't even want to look at you, and I sure as hell don't want to be your friend Elena: If that's what you want Damon: That's what I want [Caroline's House] (Caroline is with her mom and on the phone) Caroline: Yeah. Ok. I gave her my blood.So what do I do? She's still unconscious Tyler: For starters, relax. Matt said he was out for a while when this happened to him Caroline: What are they doing here? This is our home. We can't let them take over Tyler: They won't. I got it handled, I promise Caroline: Thanks, Tyler Tyler: You're welcome Caroline: I got to go. She's waking up (She hangs up. Liz wakes up) Caroline: Hey Liz: What happened? Caroline: You missed lunch [A House] (Tyler rejoins Markos) Tyler: We're in. She's oblivious Markos: It's not a bad upgrade either Tyler: This body is incredible Markos: Don't get used to it.Once this is over and the town is ours... Tyler: I know. It's gone Markos: Did you bring it? Tyler: This is the only knife left Markos: It was the only knife left	Plan: A: Stefan; Q: Who is having unsettling dreams of a possible alternate life with Elena? A: Bonnie; Q: Who is hurt and angry when she learns that Jeremy is working with Liv behind her back? A: a disturbing encounter; Q: What does Bonnie have with Grams? A: Grams; Q: Who warns Bonnie about changes on the Other Side? A: frightening changes; Q: What does Grams warn Bonnie about on the Other Side? A: Enzo; Q: Who gives Damon unwanted relationship advice? A: Damon unwanted relationship advice; Q: What does Enzo give Damon? A: Damon; Q: Who is relieved and disturbed by what Markos has to tell him? A: decades; Q: How long ago did Enzo love the woman he is searching for? A: the Augustines; Q: Who held Enzo captive? A: Liv; Q: Who enlists Matt, Jeremy and Tyler to help track the Travelers? A: Matt; Q: Who has a terrifying encounter with inhabitants of the Other Side? A: Mystic Falls; Q: Where does Liv want to keep the Travelers from taking control of? A: Luke; Q: Who shows up at the Salvatore house and explains what he knows about Markos and the Travelers? Summary: Both Stefan and Elena are suddenly having unsettling dreams of an alternate version of the life they might have had together. Bonnie has a disturbing encounter with Grams, who warns her about frightening changes on the Other Side. Enzo gives Damon unwanted relationship advice, then admits he is searching for a woman he loved decades before while he was held captive by the Augustines. Liv enlists Matt, Jeremy and Tyler to help track the Travelers and keep them from taking control of Mystic Falls. Bonnie is hurt and angry when she learns that Jeremy is working with Liv behind her back. Luke shows up at the Salvatore house and explains what he knows about Markos and the Travelers to Damon, Elena and Enzo. Matt has a terrifying encounter with inhabitants of the Other Side. Finally, when Damon finds Markos, he is both relieved and disturbed by what Markos has to tell him.
THE ICE WARRIORS by Brian Hayles first broadcast - 18th November 1967 [SCENE_BREAK] 1. MEDI-CONTROL CENTRE (VICTORIA sees THE WARRIOR regaining consciousness and tries to alert JAMIE.) VICTORIA: (Shouting.) Jamie! (However she is too late, and THE WARRIOR knocks JAMIE unconscious and takes the fainting VICTORIA hostage.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2. IONISER CONTROL ROOM (CLENT, GARRETT and ARDEN are considering THE DOCTOR's worth around the computer.) CLENT: In just 45 seconds to propose ionisation. No prior knowledge! ARDEN: Well it took us and the Academy of Scientists years. GARRETT: The computer took three milliseconds. ARDEN: Yes, well we had to program it first. CLENT: Quite. Well, before I make a final decision, I want the computer's assessment on this Doctor. GARRETT: We must be absolutely sure. CLENT: State the work potential and community value of the Doctor. COMPUTER: More information is necessary for a full evaluation. High IQ but undisciplined for our needs. Present evaluation: to be used on research projects, but could be obstructive in certain situations. (THE DOCTOR enters the control room.) DOCTOR: (Interrupting.) Oh there you are. CLENT: Er, Doctor, would you mind... DOCTOR: (Interrupting.) I've been looking everywhere. Why don't you label your doors? CLENT: Yes, this is a private meeting. DOCTOR: Yes, I realise that, and I'm sorry... CLENT: (Interrupting.) And we have not yet completed our business. DOCTOR: Look, I wouldn't intrude if I didn't think it necessary. What I have to say is extremely important. After all, you did ask me to help you, didn't you? ARDEN: Has something happened to the warrior? DOCTOR: Well it has something to do with that, yes. CLENT: We have more serious matters on hand. DOCTOR: This is serious! ARDEN: Now let him tell us, Clent. Well? DOCTOR: Thank you. It's the... it's the helmet, it's... it's... it's not what we thought it was. CLENT: It's a prehistoric drinking cup. (GARRETT laughs.) DOCTOR: No! It has electronic connections! CLENT: El... What are you talking about? ARDEN: But that's impossible. You must be mistaken. DOCTOR: Oh no, I'm positive. You realise what this means? ARDEN: Well it must mean... the civilisation he came from must be more advanced than we thought. DOCTOR: Yes indeed. They even had astronauts, it appears. CLENT: How do you mean? DOCTOR: This headpiece is no warriors tin-hat. It's a highly sophisticated space helmet! CLENT: Aren't you jumping to conclusions, Doctor, for a scientist? ARDEN: But if this is true? DOCTOR: If this is true your project is in danger. CLENT: In what way? How can one preserved body, however old, effect us? DOCTOR: How did he get here? Well he didn't walk, did he? CLENT: Well if what you say is true, by spaceship. DOCTOR: Yes and where is that spaceship now? ARDEN: In the glacier. But it must still be intact. He had no signs of mutilation. He couldn't have crashed, he must of landed! Clent, can't you see the importance of such a discovery?! CLENT: The propulsion unit of the spacecraft is probably at... GARRETT: (Interrupting.) Probably atomic powered! CLENT: Quite. And, um, if we use the ioniser at full power... DOCTOR: This reactor pile could be exclo... exploded or, or be activated. CLENT: But if we don't... GARRETT: (Interrupting.) The whole area will be contaminated! CLENT: But if we don't use the ioniser, what then? We are part of a world plan, now if we hold back, that plan cannot go into operation. GARRETT: We could hold it at minimal power. CLENT: Not good enough. ARDEN: No we daren't take the risk. The contamination level would last for five decades or more. CLENT: It merely makes the fine control of the heat level even more vital. DOCTOR: Yes, well I thought you ought to know. CLENT: Yes you were right, thank you. I must inform the computer immediately for its decision. ARDEN: Well we shall need more facts. CLENT: Well furnish me with facts then! (JAMIE bursts into the room.) JAMIE: Doctor. DOCTOR: Jamie! JAMIE: The warrior's come alive! ARDEN: Alive! CLENT, DOCTOR and GARRETT: What? JAMIE: He's taken Victoria, I couldn't stop him! (There are murmurs of disbelief.) ARDEN: Alive... and I found it. [SCENE_BREAK] 3. MEDI-CONTROL CENTRE (The group arrives to examine the room.) CLENT: Alive? DOCTOR: Strange... CLENT: How did it happen? JAMIE: Well, we were just talking, and I turned, and there he was standing right next to us. ARDEN: That's impossible. To be preserved, yes, but to come alive... impossible. DOCTOR: For a human being, maybe. ARDEN: What, not human? DOCTOR: Look at this table. CLENT: Well it's been burned. ARDEN: Well I used a low voltage especially. DOCTOR: Yes but a high current. ARDEN: Yes but it was quite safe. DOCTOR: But if that current passed through a low resistance... GARRETT: Extremely high temperatures. CLENT: The intense heat must have shocked him back into life. JAMIE: (Agitated.) Oh, look I don't know what you're all talking about, but all I know is Victoria's in danger and what are we doing to save her? DOCTOR: Yes Jamie, you're right. Come on. She can't have gone far. JAMIE: Well come on then. [SCENE_BREAK] 4. IONISER CONTROL ROOM CLENT: Danger red alert, danger red alert. Intruders within perimeter. Capture and control. Priority one. Repeat to all posts... JAMIE: But within a perimeter? But supposing they're way out of it? VOICE IN BACKGROUND: Danger red alert, danger red alert. Intruders within perimeter. Capture and control. Priority one. CLENT: Well that'll be just too bad. Obviously I can't release men for an extensive search outside the base. DOCTOR: But she may be in danger of her life! You can't take that decision! (A pause.) CLENT: Very well. You want an impartial opinion, I shall ask the computer. JAMIE: Oh, not the computer. DOCTOR: It's a waste of time asking the computer. [SCENE_BREAK] 5. STORAGE AREA (In a storage room, THE WARRIOR interrogates VICTORIA.) VICTORIA: (Terrified.) Who are you? WARRIOR: (THE WARRIOR has a rasping voice. When not talking his wheezing breath can be heard.) Varga. VICTORIA: Where are you from? VARGA: From the red planet. VICTORIA: Mars! We thought you were dead... and then you came alive. What happened? VARGA: Too many questions. VICTORIA: I'm curious, that's all. VARGA: I need answers... from you. VICTORIA: I don't think I can help you very much. VARGA: Answers. (Varga brandishes a small tube attached to his wrist.) VICTORIA: Is that a gun? VARGA: How long was I in the ice? VICTORIA: I don't know, I... one of the scientists said you must have been there since the first ice age. Thousands of years ago... VARGA: That cannot be true. VICTORIA: Were there others with you? VARGA: Yes. Our spaceship crashed at the foot of the ice mountain. As we came out to investigate, a great avalanche of snow buried us. VICTORIA: Then the others are still trapped in the glacier, then. VARGA: I will free them. Then we will return to the red planet. VICTORIA: How? You can't get them out by yourself. VARGA: You will help. How was I brought to life? VICTORIA: Let the scientists here on Earth help you. VARGA: Tell me! They would not help me. They would keep me as a curiosity, and they would leave my warriors for dead, or destroy them. VICTORIA: No. No they, they wouldn't. VARGA: But with my men, I can talk from strength. Then we shall decide. VICTORIA: Decide? Decide what? VARGA: Whether to go back to our own world, or to conquer this. [SCENE_BREAK] 6. IONISER CONTROL ROOM CLENT: All relevant factors now presented. How should we act? JAMIE: Oh, how's the machine to know? DOCTOR: Come on Jamie, have patience. Give it a chance. COMPUTER: Ionisation program should continue as planned. A limited number of lives are expected to be lost. JAMIE: What about Victoria, though? DOCTOR: Shh shh. COMPUTER: However, the suspected presence of an alien spacecraft must be investigated, in case of potentially fissionable material. JAMIE: Spacecraft! Hey, do you reckon that's where the warrior's gone back to? DOCTOR: Well he didn't come by Shetland Pony, Jamie. COMPUTER: In order to accommodate this priority the workload has been rescheduled to free one scientist investigator. CLENT: Who should be released? COMPUTER: Scientist Arden. CLENT: Well Arden, do you think you can handle this ice giant single-handed? ARDEN: Well I, I shall need at least one guard. JAMIE: Well, what about me then? I could go with him. DOCTOR: Yes, he's a capable lad. CLENT: Well the computer said one investigator only. DOCTOR: That was from your staff, Jamie's extra. JAMIE: Aye. GARRETT: The mission must be carried out. The computer has ordered it. CLENT: As the Doctor has agreed to help us with the ioniser... yes, very well, the boy can go. DOCTOR: Oh good. CLENT: But you must leave immediately, 'cause the sooner we know whether there is a reactor buried inside that glacier or not the better. JAMIE: Aye, maybe, but Victoria's important too, you know. CLENT: You don't seem to realise, boy, the fate of the world could be at stake. The girl must take her chance. [SCENE_BREAK] 7. PLANT MUSEUM (PENLEY is trying to help STORR.) STORR: What ye trying to do? Cripple me? PENLEY: You know the trouble with you Storr, you're just stupid. STORR: How was I to know it would get infected? PENLEY: If you'd listened to me in the first place... STORR: Aye, you'd have stuffed me to the eyeballs with anti-this and anti-that. I'd be flat on my back for weeks. PENLEY: Where as now, you're fighting fit. STORR: Agh, well, someone has to do things. PENLEY: Mmm. Well that someone isn't going to be you. STORR: Agh, it's nothing. I'll pull through. PENLEY: Yes, I'm rather afraid you will. But if you don't do what I say you'll soon be in a coma, which at least would give me a bit of peace. STORR: Don't try scare me with all that scientific guff. PENLEY: I'm just telling you Storr. (Pause.) You got a headache? STORR: Ah, it's nothing. PENLEY: What I like about you is, if a polar bear got you you'd give him indigestion. Feeling fuzzy in the head, eh? STORR: ... let it beat me. Is it going to be bad? PENLEY: You won't know much about it. STORR: (Sighs.) My mouth's dry. PENLEY: Well, here's a, what-do-you-call-it, a tomato. It's nearly ripe. STORR: Ach, you shouldn't have done that. I've been waiting weeks for that to ripen properly! PENLEY: Take it, it'll do you good. STORR: Ach. (He takes it.) PENLEY: Well there are advantages to living in a plant museum. Even this close to the glacier. STORR: Ah, so even a scientist can appreciate it then? PENLEY: Well there's warmth and food. Selected ancient food plants. Tomatoes, carrots, potatoes, strawberries. A world out of Atlantis. STORR: Aye, helps me picture how it was before they killed off all the plants. There was Spring then, and flowers. You could pick the fruit off the trees. Now you rotten scientists... (He explodes into a coughing fit.) (A roaring sound is audible, and the room shakes.) PENLEY: Even so it's not the nicest way to live. STORR: Aye. PENLEY: An avalanche waiting on your doorstep. STORR: Not leaving here until I have to. (He sees PENLEY leaving the room.) STORR: You're not going out after food are you? You wouldn't know what to do without me... Where are you going, anyway? PENLEY: Well I've learnt enough from you to take care of myself, and it's for your idiotic sake that I'm going. STORR: Where, where to? PENLEY: The base. STORR: (In a daze.) You're going to hand me in... to rehabilitation... Africa... never trust anybody... PENLEY: I'm going for drugs. And if I don't get them, you're as good as dead. [SCENE_BREAK] 8. STORAGE ROOM VICTORIA: It's... it's... it's... it's a... VARGA: Go on. VICTORIA: It's a black box with wires. They connected it to you, and, and you came alive. I... well I don't know how! VARGA: A power source... resistance... great heat... life. This room we came from, we will go back to it. VICTORIA: I'll tell you how to get there. VARGA: You will take me there. Without that power unit, my warriors are lifeless. VICTORIA: But we have to go down the corridors. Supposing someone sees you? VARGA: I shall kill them... and you. VICTORIA: Me? VARGA: If you call for help. (VARGA aims his wrist, with the strange tube shaped attachment at VICTORIA.) VICTORIA: What is that!? VARGA: Sonic gun. It will burst your brain with noise. [SCENE_BREAK] 9. OUTSIDE THE BASE (Outside the base it is snowing heavily. JAMIE and ARDEN have to shout to hear one another.) JAMIE: There's no one been here - not a mark. ARDEN: Well we didn't pass them on the way. Now stand aside lad, will you? JAMIE: We were wrong, then. He's lost out there, somewhere. Victoria with him. ARDEN: I can't get a reading. There's something inside there, but all it's doing is creating havoc with this radiation sensor. (JAMIE sighs.) ARDEN: (Into his wrist communicator.) Arden calling Leader Clent. Arden calling Leader Clent, answer please. CLENT: (On the small video screen.) Clent here, report. ARDEN: There's no sign of the fugitive or the girl. They didn't ... couldn't have come this way. CLENT: That was not the purpose of your mission. Please report correctly. ARDEN: No reading obtainable. The sensor is being jammed by some sort of a screening device. I can't make head nor tail of it. CLENT: But something is in there. ARDEN: Correct. CLENT: (Exploding.) Well come on then man! Don't waste time. Go in and find out what it is! ARDEN: Well not with the equipment I have with me now. CLENT: Very well then return at once. The mission will be repeated with the correct equipment. ARDEN: But this is the proper equipment for the job. CLENT: Obviously not. Don't waste time. Return immediately. Out. JAMIE: A nice boss you've got there. ARDEN: Yes. The trouble with Clent is that he's not a proper scientist, he's an organiser. He should've been born a robot. (JAMIE laughs.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10. CORRIDORS OF BASE (In the ancient part of the base, PENLEY lurks the corridors, looking for the drug storeroom. Through a partly opened door, he sees VICTORIA leading VARGA around in search of the equipment to revive his comrades.) VICTORIA: No, no it's not in there, it's further down the corridor. (She leads him to the correct room, the Medi-Control Centre they were in earlier.) VARGA: The black box. Find it, quickly. [SCENE_BREAK] 11. IONISER CONTROL ROOM GARRETT: It's still on half power, but it's holding well. CLENT: Good. (To THE DOCTOR.) Well? DOCTOR: Well I still think you ought to get in an expert. Why can't you get one? CLENT: I choose not to. DOCTOR: But why? CLENT: You're not here to question me. DOCTOR: No, I'm here to help you... if I choose. CLENT: This is the most important job I've ever had. Now every other project I've handled with ease. Nothing has failed. I was chosen because I never fail. When I handpicked the team, I made one vital mistake. DOCTOR: This chap Penley. CLENT: Best man in Europe for ionisation studies. As it turned out hopelessly temperamental. DOCTOR: Temperamental or individual, hmm? Creative scientists have to be allowed some head you know. CLENT: Creative poppycock. When he walked out of here he proclaimed himself to be criminally, criminally irresponsible. DOCTOR: It couldn't have been just a simple gesture of protest. CLENT: He was always protesting. This is a team, a team with a mission. If we fail, others cannot succeed. DOCTOR: And your name will suffer. That's important. CLENT: I lead the team. I depend on the experts I picked. My, my, my, my judgement was sound. Others won't see it that way. DOCTOR: So you do need Penley. CLENT: No I do not need Penley. But I do need an equivalent brain. But it would be months before anyone else could pick up the knowledge that Penley acquired here. Just isn't time, that's the pertinent issue. DOCTOR: Well I'll try and help you. But I do think you might try trusting human beings instead of computers. CLENT: I trust no one, Doctor. Not any more. Human emotions are unreliable. I'll just go and see that the working area reserved for you in the Medi-Control Centre is ready. [SCENE_BREAK] 12. MEDI-CONTROL CENTER VARGA: The power pack. VICTORIA: I'm looking! (VICTORIA squeals as she knocks something down from the shelf. She eventually finds the black box.) VICTORIA: Yes, yes. They look like the one, yes. Yes. (VARGA takes the power pack.) VARGA: You are coming with me, to the ice mountain. (CLENT enters the room, seeing VARGA alive for the first time.) CLENT: Who are you!? (VARGA swings the power pack by its wires, knocking CLENT to the ground, unconscious.) VICTORIA: You killed him! VARGA: Come. (They leave the room together, heading for the mountain and the remaining warriors. Once they are gone, PENLEY emerges from hiding and enters the room. He is examining CLENT as THE DOCTOR joins him.) PENLEY: I er... I was gonna give him this. (He shows THE DOCTOR the phial he was going to administer. THE DOCTOR coughs as he smells the phile.) DOCTOR: That's disgusting! It's just the thing. (He pauses.) Did you do this? PENLEY: I've come very close to it at times. I've never seen him look so peaceful. DOCTOR: Oh, he'll be alright. Did you see who did do it? PENLEY: Yes. A monstrous looking creature. I didn't like the look of him at all. DOCTOR: Was there a girl there?! PENLEY: Yes, she seemed scared stiff. DOCTOR: Well why didn't you try and stop them?! PENLEY: Well I came here to get some drugs for a man who is sick. I couldn't run the risk of getting caught. DOCTOR: But she's only a young girl! PENLEY: She's alive. My friend will die if I don't get back. DOCTOR: Yes. Yes I see. PENLEY: Are you going after them? I can take you part of the way. DOCTOR: No no they're searching already. There's a red alarm all over the base. PENLEY: Well I've got what I want. I'm off. DOCTOR: Penley? PENLEY: You know about me then. My escapades in computer-land. DOCTOR: They need you here you know. They need you desperately. PENLEY: Needing isn't getting. I'm free of their problems for good. DOCTOR: They're... they're your problems too, you know. It's your world. PENLEY: My world is up here. (He points to his head.) Private, and no admittance. Well I'm gonna go then. DOCTOR: I expect you know what you're doing. PENLEY: You know it's nice to meet one that they haven't got at yet. DOCTOR: Oh, thank you. PENLEY: Goodbye. DOCTOR: Goodbye. (THE DOCTOR puts the phial under CLENT's nose. He coughs.) GARRETT: They're in here! (GARRETT, JAMIE and ARDEN make their way into the room, at the same time as CLENT regains consciousness.) DOCTOR: Where's Victoria? GARRETT: Leader Clent! (GARRETT and ARDEN race to help CLENT to is feet.) ARDEN: What's happened? CLENT: (Sounding fatigued and pausing during sentences.) Where are they? GARRETT: I've just had a message from the perimeter gate. He smashed his way through, taking the girl with him. CLENT: He knocked me out... with a power pack. DOCTOR: With a power pack? You mean the one that you used to unfreeze him? CLENT: Yes. And he and the girl... have many more. ARDEN: To revitalise others like himself. CLENT: Others? What do you mean. We don't know that there are others. JAMIE: Well now he'll head for the glacier. Let's get way after him. DOCTOR: No no. That's what he wants us to do. That's why he's taken Victoria with him as a hostage. No. We must let him show his hand first. JAMIE: Well we can't just stand around waiting! DOCTOR: We're not going to. Only until morning. That'll be time enough. CLENT: No now! Must I remind you... of the mission that you have yet to accomplish? ARDEN: Oh no Clent, not at night. Not for you or anybody. You've never been out there at night. [SCENE_BREAK] 13. GLACIER FACE (VARGA is searching for the remaining warriors using some kind of beeping homing device.) VARGA: I have located my warriors. (The beeping stops.) VARGA: When your friends come after us, they will find a surprise. VICTORIA: What are you going to do? VARGA: You'll see. Don't try to run away. VICTORIA: I... I was only going to watch you. VARGA: You are going to help me. (Using the sonic gun he sets about melting the ice.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14. PLANT MUSEUM (PENLEY has returned to an unconscious STORR. He finishes giving the drugs to him.) PENLEY: 24 hours and you'll be your old animal-like self again. And while you're undergoing repairs, Storr old chap, I'm going to do a bit of hunting myself. Up on the glacier. (To himself, in the mirror.) Something strange is happening, Elric Penley, honoured sir. That warrior, that girl, that funny scruffy looking chap. Something strange indeed. Something disturbing. Something to do with the ice. And if what that particular chap has said is true, if, if they really need me, it may mean the parting of the ways for us. [SCENE_BREAK] 15. GLACIER FACE (VARGA has completed cutting the frozen warriors from the ice.) VARGA: It's done. They are free. And now, to bring them back to life.	Plan: A: Varga; Q: Who takes Victoria hostage? A: his crew; Q: What does Varga want to revive? A: the Doctor; Q: Who and Jamie find Penley stealing medical supplies? Summary: Varga revives and takes Victoria hostage as he works to revive his crew while the Doctor and Jamie find Penley stealing medical supplies.
With Minor Adjustments by: Dan Silverstein [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there. Ross working on crossword puzzle, starts humming theme from The Odd Couple. Chandler joins in, followed by Monica and Phoebe, then the whole gang. Ross starts humming theme from I Dream Of Jeannie.] Chandler: No-no-no-no, we're done. Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is on the phone in the kitchen.] Monica: Aunt Syl, stop yelling! All I'm saying is that if you had told me vegetarian lasagna, I would have made vegetarian lasagna. (pauses, listens to person on phone) Well, the meat's only every third layer, maybe you could scrape. (Camera moves to Chandler, Phoebe, Ross, and Joey sitting in living room) Joey: Ross, did you really read all these baby books? Ross: Yup! You could plunk me down in the middle of any woman's uterus, no compass, and I can find my way out of there like that! (snaps fingers) Phoebe: Ooh, this is cool...it says in some parts of the world, people actually eat the placenta. (Joey grimaces) Chandler: And, we're done with the yogurt. (Sets yogurt down on table) Phoebe: (softly) Sorry. (Camera pans back to Monica, still on phone) Monica: Aunt Syl, I did this as a favor, I am not a caterer. What do you want me to do with a dozen lasagnas? (listens to Aunt Syl on phone, looks shocked) Nice talk, Aunt Syl. (in New York accent) You kiss Uncle Freddie with that mouth? (Camera pans back to group in living room) Joey: Hey Ross, listen, you know that right now, your baby's only this big? (measures about 2 inches with his thumb and index finger) This is your baby. (in baby-like voice) Hi Daddy! Ross: (waves) Hello! Joey: (in baby-like voice) How come you don't live with Mommy? (pause; shows Ross less than amused) How come Mommy lives with that other lady? (pause; Ross still looks less than amused; Joey smiling) What's a lesbian? (playfully hits Ross) (Rachel enters with Paolo, speaking Italian. Ross looks annoyed) Rachel: Honey, you can say it, Poconos, Poconos, it's like Poc-o-nos (touching Paolo's nose with forefinger with each syllable) Paolo: Ah, poke (Paolo touches Rachel's nose) a (touches nose again) nose, mmm (they rub noses, then kisses her) Joey, Chandler, and Ross: (sitting in living room, imitating Paolo) Mma, Mma, Mmaah (Camera pans to Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe in the kitchen) Monica: So, did I hear Poconos? Rachel: Yes, my sister's giving us her place for the weekend. Phoebe: Woo-hoo, first weekend away together! Monica: Yeah, that's a big step. Rachel: I know... (Camera pans to Ross, looking dejected) Chandler: (to Ross) Ah, it's just a weekend, big deal! Ross: Wasn't this supposed to be just a fling, huh? Shouldn't it be...(makes flinging motions with hands) flung by now? (Camera pans back to Rachel) Rachel: I mean, we are way past the fling thing, I mean, I am feeling things that I've only read about in Danielle Steele books, you know? I mean, when I'm with him, I'm totally, totally... (Camera pans to Ross, holding his stomach) Ross: ...nauseous, I'm physically nauseous. What am I supposed to do, huh? Call immigration? (pauses, looks suddenly inspired) I could call immigration! [Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Joey leaving girls' apartment, carrying lasagna.] Joey: I love babies, with their little baby shoes, and their little baby toes, and their little baby hands... Chandler: Ok, you're going to have to stop that, forever! (Joey opens door, throws keys on kitchen table, table falls over) Joey: Need a new table. Chandler: You think? [Scene: Carol and Susan's, there's a knock on the door and Carol answers it to Ross.] Carol: Hey hey, come on in! (Ross enters, carrying lasagna) Ross: Hey, hello! mmwa! (kisses Carol) I brought all the books, and Monica sends her love, along with this lasagna. Carol: Oh great! Is it vegetarian, 'cause Susan doesn't eat meat. Ross: (pauses) I'm pretty sure that it is... Carol: So, I got the results of the amnio today. Ross: (making flinging gestures with hands) Oh, tell me, tell me, is everything, uhh....? Carol: Totally and completely healthy! Ross: Oh, that's great, that is great! (Hugs and kisses Carol. Then picks up a picture frame) Ross: Hey, when did you and Susan meet Huey Lewis? Carol: Uh, that's our friend Tanya. Ross: (surprised, chuckling nervously) Of course it's your friend Tanya. (looks up frightenedly) Carol: Don't you want to know about the sx? Ross: (chuckles nervously) The sx? (chuckles) Um, I'm having enough trouble with the image of you and Susan together, when you throw in Tanya (miming washing hair, that's the best I could think of), yaw... Carol: The sx of the baby, Ross. Ross: Oh, you know the sx of the baby? Oh, oh-oh-oh! Carol: Do you want to know? Ross: No, no, no, no, no, I don't want to know, absolutely not. I think, you know, I think you should know until you look down there, and say, oop, there it is! (pauses) Or isn't... (Susan enters) Susan: Oh, hello Ross! Ross: Susan... Susan: So, so, did you hear? Ross: Yes, we did, everything's A-OK! Susan: Oh, that's so... (Susan hugs Carol, they giggle, Ross steps away) It really is...do we know...? Carol: Yes, we certainly do, it's going to be... Ross: (flailing arms in protest) Oh, hey hey hey, ho ho ho, hello, guy who doesn't want to know, standing right here! Susan: Oh, well, is it what we thought it would be? Carol: Mm-hmmm (Susan and Carol hug, giggling. Ross stands back, reaches out and lightly taps Susan's shoulder) Ross: Ok, what, what...ok, what did we think it was going to be? Carol and Susan: It's a... Ross: (interrupts) No, no, no I don't want to know, don't want to know. Ok, you know, I should probably, I should probably just go. Carol: Well, thanks for the books. Ross: No problem, ok, mmmwa (kisses Carol) oh, mmmwa (kisses Carol's stomach, then punches Susan's shoulder) Susan... (Ross leaves.) Susan: All right, who should we call first, your folks, or Deb and Rona? (intercom buzzer rings) Carol: Hello? Ross: (on intercom) Uh, never mind, I don't want to know. (Carol and Susan laugh) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler use their knees as a table to support the lasagna.] Chandler: Ok, so it's just because it was my table, I have to buy a new one? Joey: That's the rule. Chandler: What rule? There's no rule, if anything, you owe me a table! Joey: How'd you get to that? Chandler: Well, I believe the piece of furniture was fine until your little breakfast adventure with Angela Delvecchio Joey: You knew about that? Chandler: Well, let's just say the impressions you made in the butter left little to the imagination. Joey: Ok, ok, How about if we split it? Chandler: What do you mean, like, buy it together? Joey: Yeah Chandler: You think we're ready for something like that? Joey: Why not? Chandler: Well, it's a pretty big commitment, I mean, what if one of us wants to move out? Joey: Why, are you moving out? Chandler: I'm not moving out. Joey: You'd tell me if you were moving out right Chandler: Yeah, yeah, it's just that with my last roommate Kip... Joey: Aw, I know all about Kip! Chandler: It's just that we bought a hibachi together, and then he ran off and got married, and things got pretty ugly. Joey: Well, let me ask you something, was Kip a better roommate than me? Chandler: Aw, don't do that [Scene: Phoebe's Massage Parlor, Phoebe's assistant is telling her about the changes to her schedule.] Phoebe's Assistant: We've got a couple changes in your schedule. Your 4:00 herbal massage has been pushed back to 4:30 and Miss Somerfield canceled her 5:30 shiatsu. Phoebe: Ok, thanks. (assistant leaves, then walks back in) Phoebe's Assistant: Oh, here comes your 3:00. I don't mean to sound unprofessional, but, yum (walks out, Paolo enters) Paolo: Buon Giorno, Bella Phoebe! Phoebe: Oh, Paolo, hi, what are you doing here? Paolo: Uh, Racquela tell me you massage, eh? Phoebe: Well, Racquela's right, yeah! (Paolo speaks Italian) Phoebe: Oh, okay, I don't know what you just said, so let's get started. Paolo: Uh, I am, uh, being naked? Phoebe: Um, that's really your decision, I mean, some people prefer, you know, to take off...oh whoops! You're being naked! [Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Phoebe is there.] Rachel: (to Ross) I can't believe you don't want to know. I mean, I couldn't not know, I mean, if, if the doctor knows, and Carol knows, and Susan knows.... Monica: And Monica knows... Ross: Wha, heh, how could you know, I don't even know! Monica: Carol called me to thank me for the lasagna, I asked, she told me. Joey: So what's it gonna be? (Monica whispers in Joey's ear. Ross gets up and waves arms frantically in protest) Ross: Wait-oh-hey-huh, oh great now he knows, and I don't know! Monica: I'm sorry, I'm just excited about being an aunt! Joey: Or an uncle... (Phoebe enters) Joey and Chandler: Hey Phoebe! Ross: Hi Pheebs! Rachel: Pheebs! Phoebe: Fine! Monica: Phoebe, what's the matter? Phoebe: Nothing, I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm out of sorts. Customer: Hey, can we get some cappuccino over here? Rachel: Oh, right, that's me! Joey: Hey, Chandler, that table place closes at 7, come on. Chandler: Fine. (Joey and Chandler walk towards the door) Monica: Phoebe, what is it? Phoebe: All right, you know Paolo? Ross: I'm familiar with his work, yes... Phoebe: Well, he made a move on me. (Joey and Chandler come back) Joey: Whoa, store will be open tomorrow! Chandler: More coffee over here, please! [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.] Monica: Well, what happened? Phoebe: Well, he came in for a massage, and everything was fine until. (A flashback starts Paolo, lying on massage table, moving his hands up Phoebe's legs.) [Cut back to Central Perk.] Joey and Chandler: Ooooohh! Ross: My God. Monica: Are you sure? (The flashback resumes with Paolo grabbing her butt.) [Cut back to Central Perk.] Phoebe: Oh yeah, I'm sure. (Flashback resumes with Phoebe doing a voiceover.) And all of a sudden his hands weren't the problem anymore. (Flashback continues: Paolo rolls over, Phoebe looks down, then quickly looks up, bites lip, shakes her head) Monica: Was it...? Phoebe: Oh, boy scouts could have camped under there. Guys: Oooooo.... (Rachel runs over) Rachel: "Ooo," what? Phoebe: Uma Thurman. Monica: Oh! Ross: The actress! (all talking indistinctly, high-fiving) Ross: Thanks Rach. (Rachel walks away) Chandler: So what are you gonna do? Ross: You have to tell her! You have to tell her! It's your moral obligation, as a friend, as a woman, I think it's a feminist issue! Guys? Guys? (waiting for guys to chime in) Chandler: Oh, yeah, you have to tell her. Joey: Feminist issue. That's where I went! Phoebe: She is gonna hate me. Ross:(sympathetic yet...) Yeah, well... [Scene: The Table Store, Joey and Chandler and looking for their new table.] Joey: Will you pick one, just pick one! Here, how about that one? (points to a table) Chandler: That's patio furniture! Joey: So what, like people are gonna come in and think, "Uh-oh, I'm outside again?" Of course! Chandler: (gesturing towards another table) What about the birds? Joey: I don't know, birds just don't say, "Hello, sit here, eat something." Chandler: You pick one. Joey: All right, how about the ladybugs? Chandler: Oh, so, forget about the birds, but big red insects suggest fine dining! Joey: Fine, you want to get the birds, get the birds! Chandler: Not like that, I won't! (pauses) Kip would have liked the birds! (Joey turns and gives Chandler a dirty look) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel folding and packing clothes in suitcases as Phoebe enters.] Phoebe: Hey! Rachel: Hi Pheebs! Phoebe: Are you moving out? Rachel: No, these aren't all my suitcases. (picks up small blue suitcase and shows to Phoebe) This one's Paolo's. Phoebe: Um, um, Rachel can we talk for a sec? Rachel: Well, sure...just a sec, though, 'cause Paolo's on his way over. Phoebe: Oh! (sits down) Ok, um, ok, um, Rachel: Oh, Pheebs, Pheebs... Phoebe: Ok, um, (clears throat) we haven't known each other for that long a time, and, um, there are three things that you should know about me. One, my friends are the most important thing in my life, two, I never lie, and three, I make the best oatmeal raisin cookies in the world. (Phoebe opens a tin and offers Rachel a cookie) Rachel: (taking cookie) Ok, thanks Pheebs (takes bite of cookie, overwhelmed) Oh my God, why have I never tasted these before?! Phoebe: Oh, I don't make them a lot because I don't think it's fair to the other cookies Rachel: All right, well, you're right, these are the best oatmeal cookies I've ever had. Phoebe: Which proves that I never lie. Rachel: I guess you don't. Phoebe: Paolo made a pass at me. (Rachel looks stunned) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross, Chandler, Joey, and Monica admiring their new table.] Chandler: So, what do you think? Ross: I think It's the most beautiful table I've ever seen. Chandler: I know! (The camera pans back to reveal Joey and Chandler's new foosball table.) Monica: So how does this work, you going to balance the plates on these little guys' heads? Joey: Who cares, we'll eat at the sink! Come on, let's play! Monica: Heads up Ross! (Monica scores on Chandler and Joey) Score! (points at Chandler) You suck! (Chandler looks at Joey in amazement) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is recovering from the shock.] Phoebe: Are you okay? Rachel: I need some milk. Phoebe: Ok, I've got milk (takes thermos from her bag and starts to pour a cup) Here you go... (Rachel drinks straight from thermos) Oh!(Rachel finishes thermos) Better? Rachel: No...oh, I feel so stupid! Oh, I think about the other day with you guys and I was all "Oh, Paolo, he's so great, he makes me feel so..." Oh, God, I'm so embarrassed! Phoebe: I'm so embarrassed, I'm the one he hit on! (Phoebe's and Rachel's lines overlap) Rachel: Pheebs, if I had never met him this never would have happened! Rachel and Phoebe: I'm so sorry! No I'm sorry! No I'm sorry! No I'm sorry! Phoebe: No, wait, oh, what are we sorry about? Rachel: I don't know...right, he's the pig! Phoebe: Such a pig! Rachel: Oh, God, he's such a pig, Phoebe: Oh he's like a... Rachel: He's like a big disgusting... Phoebe: ...like a... Rachel: ...pig...pig man! Phoebe: Yes, good! Ok... Rachel: (voice wavers) Oh, but he was my pig man...how did I not see this? Phoebe: (raises hand) Oh! I know! (Rachel startled) It's because... he's gorgeous, and he's charming, and when he looks at you... Rachel: Ok, Ok, Pheebs... Phoebe: The end. Rachel: Oh, God... Phoebe: Should I not have told you? Rachel: No, no, trust, me, it's, it's, it's much better that I know. Uh, I just liked it better before it was better... (Phoebe scoots her chair over to Rachel and hugs her) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe is telling everyone how it went across the hall as the foosball game continues.] Phoebe: I think she took it pretty well. You know Paolo's over there right now, so... Monica: We should get over there and see if she's okay. (switching places with Ross) Just one...second! Score! (Monica scores, high-fives with Ross) Game! Come on. (Monica and Phoebe leave) Ross: (wiping his brow) Ah...ooh! Well, looks like, uh, we kicked your butts. Joey: No-no, she kicked our butts. You could be on the Olympic standing-there team. Ross: Come on, two on one. Chandler: What are you still doing here? She just broke up with the guy, it's time for you to swoop in! Ross: What, now? Joey: Yes, now is when you swoop! You gotta make sure that when Paolo walks out of there, the first guy Rachel sees is you, She's gotta know that you're everything he's not! You're like, like the anti-Paolo! Chandler: My Catholic friend is right. She's distraught. You're there for her. You pick up the pieces, and then you usher in the age of Ross! (Ross and Chandler look off into the distance. Joey, wondering what they are looking at, looks in the same direction) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel is throwing Paolo's clothes over the side.] Paolo: No, that's cold, that's cold, that's... [Cut to inside the apartment.] Ross: (entering) How's it going? Monica: Don't stare. Now she just finished throwing his clothes off the balcony, now there's just a lot of gesturing and arm-waving, (shows Rachel gesturing with hands in front of her chest), Ok, that is either, "How could you?" or, "Enormous breasts!" Here he comes! Phoebe: Ooh! (Paolo enters. Ross, Phoebe, and Monica scatter) Paolo: Uh, I am, uh, to say good-bye. Phoebe: Oh, ok bye-bye. Monica: Paolo, I really hate you for what you did to Rachel, (hands him a lasagna) but I still have five of these, so heat it at 375 until the cheese bubbles. Paolo: Grazie. Ross: Paolo, I-I just want to tell you and I think I speak for everyone when I say... (shuts door in his face and walks away) Phoebe: Oh, just look at her... (girls move toward Rachel on the balcony) Ross: Oh you guys, I-I really think just one of us should go out there so she's not overwhelmed... Monica: Oh, you're right. Ross: (pulls Monica back) ...and I really think it should be me. [Cut to the balcony, Ross has just climbed through the window.] Ross: Hey. Rachel: Hey. Ross: You all right? Rachel: Ooh, I've been better... Ross: Come here. (he hugs Rachel) Listen, you deserve so much better than him...you know, I mean, you, you, you should be with a guy who knows what he has when he has you. Rachel: Oh, Ross... Ross: What? Rachel: I am so sick of guys. I don't want to look at another guy, I don't want to think about another guy, I don't even want to be near another guy. (Ross crosses arms) Ross: Huh. Rachel: Oh Ross, you're so great! Ross: Ohhhh (Hugs her and sighs) [Cut to inside the apartment, Rachel and Ross are entering.] Monica: Ooh...hey honey, are you all right? Rachel: Oh... Phoebe: You ok? Rachel: ...medium...hmm...any cookies left? Phoebe: Yep! Ross: See, Rach, uh, see, I don't think that swearing off guys altogether is the answer. I really don't. I think that what you need is to develop a more sophisticated screening process. Rachel: No. I just need to be by myself for a while, you know? I just got to figure out what I want Ross: Uh, no, no, see, because not...not all guys are going to be a Paolo. Rachel: No, I know, I know, and I'm sure your little boy is not going to grow up to be one. Ross: (astonished) What? Rachel: What? Ross: I-I'm, I'm having a boy? Rachel: Uh...no. No, no, in fact, you're not having a boy. Ross: Wha-I'm having, I'm having a boy! (babbling) Huh, am I having a boy? Girls: Yes, you're having a boy! (Monica runs over and hugs Ross) Ross: I'm having a boy! Oh, I'm having a boy! (Joey and Chandler run in) Chandler: Wha- Joey: Wha- Joey and Chandler: What is it? Ross: I'm having a boy! I-I'm having a boy! Joey: Hey! Chandler: Hey! Joey and Chandler: We already knew that! (they hug) Ross: I'm having a son. Um... (Ross looks scared) Closing Credits [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Monica is busy killing Chandle and Joey at foosball.] Monica: Yes! And that would be a shut-down! Joey and Chandler: Shut-out!! (They both start heading for their rooms.) Monica: Where are you guys going? Come on, one more game! Joey: Uh, it's 2:30 in the morning! Chandler: Yeah, get out! Monica: You guys are always hanging out in my apartment! Come on, I'll only use my left hand, huh? Come on, wussies! (Joey and Chandler pick her up) All right, ok, I gotta go. I'm going, (they throw her out) and I'm gone. Chandler: (to Joey) One more game? Joey: Oh yeah!	Plan: A: his unborn baby; Q: Who does Ross not want to know the sex of? A: Rachel; Q: Who breaks up with Paolo? A: Phoebe; Q: Who did Paolo make a pass at at the massage parlor? A: Monica; Q: Who makes lasagnas for her aunt's party? A: one dozen lasagnas; Q: How many lasagnas did Monica make for her aunt's party? A: her break-up; Q: What event does Ross console Rachel after? A: his chance; Q: What does Ross hope this is? A: all men; Q: What does Rachel swear off? Summary: Everyone except Ross knows the sex of his unborn baby; he wants to wait until it is born. Rachel breaks up with Paolo after he makes a pass at Phoebe at the massage parlor. Monica makes one dozen lasagnas for her aunt's party, only to discover she wanted them vegetarian. Ross consoles Rachel after her break-up, hoping this is his chance, though Rachel declares she is swearing off all men. Rachel accidentally lets it slip to Ross that he is having a son.
FOREST OF CAMELOT Merlin: Hors, beride tha heofenan... He returns working, a woman, Cathryn, call him. Cathryn: Hey! Did you see it? The smoke! Did you see it?! Merlin: No... I saw nothing. Cathryn: Are you blind? You were right here! It was magic, I tell you! There's sorcery here! We must tell the King! Merlin: No... Wait! * * * Opening Credits * * * GREAT HALL OF THE CASTLE The woman tells what she saw to the King Uther: It was sorcery you saw, you're certain of it? Cathryn: Yes, sire. Uther: And you swear this, before your king? Cathryn: i swear it Arthur: Perhaps your eyes deceived you. A trick of the light. Cathryn: The smoke was alive, I tell you. I feared for my life. Uther: I thank you for bringing this to my attention. Your loyalty will not go unrewarded. Cathryn: Thank you, sire. (she leaves) Uther: It cannot continue. Arthur: I will hunt down those responsible, father. I promise they will not escape unpunished. Uhter: No. Stronger methods are called for. Send for the witchfinder. Gaius: Sire, is it necessary to resort to such measures? Uther: The witch finder is a trusted ally, Gaius. His help will be invaluable. Gaius: Of course. GAIUS HOUSE Gaius sermonizes Merlin Gaius: How many times, Merlin? How many times must I drive it into that thick skull of yours? Your magic is a secret to be guarded with your life. What were you thinking? Merlin: I... I weren't thinking. Gaius: Well, think, boy, think! Merlin: It was just a bit of fun. Gaius: It was magic and it was seen. Merlin: You're right... I'm sorry. Gaius: You must hide the book. Anything that can connect you to sorcery in any way. Merlin: What, now? Gaius: Yes, now, Merlin. The man that Uther has send for...I know him. Merlin: The witchfinder? Gaius: Some know him by that name. I know him as Aredian. He is a force to be reckoned witch. Merlin: But I'm not a witch. (finding this amusing) Look, no dress or anything... (Gaius not kidding) I'll get the book. CASTLE COURTYARD A man dressed dark clothes arrive, with his chariot carrying a cage Aredian: (to guards) I am expected. CHAMBER OF MORGANA Same time, Morgana is terrified to see arriving Aredian. She observes him from her window. Guenièvre: Is that him? Morgan: Yes Guenièvre: What's that cage for? Morgan: It hardly bears thinking about. BOARDROOM OF THE CASTLE: Uther and Arthur come in the hall to welcome Aredian Arthur: So, where has he been all this time? Uther: In foreign lands. Wherever the pursuit of sorcery takes him. Arthur: He does all this in your name? Uther: The witch finder serves no-one. He is a law unto himself. Aredian: Do you smell it? Do you smell it, Uther? Uther: Aredian... Areydian: It's all around us. The foul stench of sorcery. It's infected your great city like a contagion. Uther: I welcome you to Camelot, Aredian. Thank you for making such Aredian: Well, let's hope I am not too late, hmm? For every hour counts in the war against sorcery. Un checked, it spreads like a disease. It seeks out the young and the old, the weak and the able, the fair and the foul of heart alike. You have grown lazy, Uther. You have grown idle. Your, once, noble Camelot is rotten to the core. You stand on the brink of dark oblivion. Arthur: I am at your disposal, Aredian. The knights will aid you in any way they can. Aredian: You must be Arthur. Arthur: I must be. Aredian: You are a great warrior. The finest this kingdom has ever known. Arthur: Thank you... Aredian: So, you won't be offended when I say that I shall have no need of you or your knights. The subtle craft of sorcery can only be fought by yet subtle means. Methods honed over decades of study. Methods known only to myself. Uther: We are grateful for your help. Aredian: Gratitude alone can't keep a man alive. You must put food in his belly. Uther: I will pay your price, Aredian, whatever it may be. Aredian: I will bid you good night. Uhter: Aredian? When do you begin? Aredian: I have already begun. STREET OF CAMELOT Gaius walks with Merlin. Aredian observe them. Aredian: Gaius, isn' it? I never forget a face. Gaius: Nor I, Aredian. Aredian: A physician now, I hear.You always did have s thirst for knowledge. Gaius: Scientific knowledge. Aredian: Of course. (looking Merlin) Gaius: My assistant, Merlin. Aredian: Merlin... Gaius: May your investigations prove fruitful, Aredian. However, you'll have excuse us, we have work to do. Aredian: Naturally. Merlin? I have a few questions I would like you to answer. Please be at my chambers in an hour. Merlin nods a bit scared IN AREDIAN'S CHAMBERS Aredian ask Merlin. He casts confusion on the explanation of Merlin. Aredian: You are aware then, that sorcery has been practiced in the vicinity of Camelot? Merlin: Yes, I mean... Apparently. Aredian: No, it cannot denied. There was a witness. Merlin: Yes, I know. Aredian: Did you also know that the woman has named you as a witness? Merlin: But... Aredian: I have already spoken to her. She was quite clear on the matter. Merlin: But, I wasn't a witness. Aredian: Sorry, perhaps I misheard. Do you deny that you were present at the time of the incident? Merlin: No. I were here. Aredian: So you saw it, the horse conjured from the smoke? Merlin: I saw the smoke, but it was only smoke. I saw nothing else. Aredian: Are you saying that she lies? Merlin: No, I didn't say that. I said I didn't see what she saw. Aredian: Hmmm. How can that be, I wonder? How can one person see something and the other not? Merlin: I can't explain it. Aredian I am at a loss as to explain it myself. Unless it was you performed the magic. Merlin: It wasn't. Aredian: Can you prove that it wasn't? Silence Merlin: No. Aredian: Hmmm. That will be all. For now. GREAT HALL OF THE CASTLE Aredian (to Beatrice): Speak. Do not be afraid. Beatrice (completely terrified): I... I was drawing water from the well, sire, when I saw them. Faces... In the water, sire. Terrible faces... Like people who were drowned... Screaming... Screaming... Merlin (to Gaius): I haven't done anything. I promise. Aredian (to Annis): Tell them what you saw. Annis: A goblin. Dancing on the coals, it was. Dancing in the flames. And it spoke, sire... My heart near stopped for fear of it. Aredian (to Uther): As you have heard, my lord, the incident in the woods was only the beginning. Rowena: There was a sorcerer, sire, in the square. There were creatures jumpng right out of this mouth. Aredian: What manner of creature? Rowena: Toads, sire. Great, green, slimy things as big as your fist! Aredian: The sorcerer laughs in your face! Even now, magic flourishes on the streets of Camelot. Uther: I scarcely believe it. Aredian: Yet it is the truth, my lord. Fortunately, I have utilized very facet of my craft to bring this matter to a swift resolution. Uther: The sorcerer... You have a suspect? Aredian: Oh, I do, my lord. I regret to say they stand among us in this very room. My methods are infallible. My findings incontestable. The facts point to one person and one person alone. The boy, Merlin. Arthur: Merlin?! You can't be serious? Gaius: This is outrageous! You have no evidence. Aredian: The tools of magic cannot be hidden from me. I am certain that a thorough search of the boy's chamber will deliver us all we need. Uther: Merlin? Merlin: I have nothing to hide from him. Uther: Very well. Guards, restrain the boy. Let the search begin. GAIUS HOUSE The knights upset all the objects. Merlin isn't here. Gaius: Careful, please! That's my life's work! Aredian: Comb every inch. The sorcerer is a master of concealment. Arthur: There's nothing here, Aredian. Aredian: I'll be the judge of that. Over there, behind this tapestry. And there, upend that stool. Be sure to check for hollow legs. There, within those powder jars. Leon: Here! Aredian: An amulet of enchantment. Were you aware, Physician, that your assistant kept instruments of sorcery? Gaius: No. Aredian: Well, our work is done. I must inform the king. Gaius: Aredian! I know for certain that the amulet does not belong to Merlin. Aredian: Ho? Well, who does it belong to, then? Gaius: I belongs to me. JAIL OF CAMELOT Arthur releases Merlin. Arthur: You're free to go. Merlin (crossing Gaius in the corridor of jail) : Gaius! What's going on? Gaius: Say nothing, Merlin. Do nothing. Promise me! GAIUS HOUSE Merlin come and observe the room disheveled. CASTLE OF CAMELOT Uther: Gaius has served me with unfailing dedication. Without his knowledge, his wisdom, I would not be sitting here today. Aredian: You have shown great faith in him, sire. Great faith indeed...considering that he was known to practice sorcery. Arthur: Gaius? Mmm. You're mistaken. Uther: No Arthur; He speaks the truth. I am well aware of his past, and I have every reason to believe he has turned his bacon sorcery. Aredian: Until now. Uther: We don't know that. This amulet you found could just be a stupid mistake. Aredian: Or maybe he has fallen back into old habits. Arthur: We must give him the benefit of doubt, surely? Aredian: Why? Anyway, There is a sure way to establish his guilt. Uther: I know your method are effective, Ardian, but Gaius is an old man, he could not withstand such...treatment. Aredian: It is the only way to rid your mind of doubt. JAIL OF CAMELOT Gaius: What time is it? Aredian: Time for you confess. Gaius: The amulet was a relic from the past, a keepsake. Aredian: But such artifacts are banned on pain of death, surely you must know this? Gaius: I was wrong to have kept it. I am grievously sorry for it. Aredian: Well, that's a good start. It's an excellent start. But not nearly enough, I'm afraid. Gaius: Aredian, I... Aredian: Guards! Laster, he asks again Gaius until he is tired. Aredian: Was your conscience clear when you practiced magic in the days of the great purge? Gaius: I have not used magic for many years... Aredian: Your assistant kept instruments of sorcery... Gaius: It belongs to me. Aredian: So if someone else were to practice magic... Gaius: No, no! Aredian: If you're an enemy of this kingdom, you're an enemy of your king. Gaius: No! My conscience is clear. The question is finished. Gaius: I'd like a drink of water, please. Aredian: And you shall have one, When you have confessed. Gaius: Then I shall die of thirst, Aredian. CAVE OF THE GREAT DRAGON The Dragon: What is wrong, young warlock? You look so pale. Merlin: I did a stupid thing. A stupid, stupid thing. And now Gaius is going to die for it! The dragon: Gaius means nothing to me. Merlin: But he means a great deal to me! The dragon: Very well, tell me what was happened. Merlin: A witch finder is come. He's arrested Gaius for sorcery, but I am the sorcerer. The dragon: Yes, I suppose you are. Merlin: Well, I'm going to confess. It's the only way to save him. The dragon: The your stupidity continues. Merlin: I won't sacrifice a friend to save myself! The dragon: Bravely spoken. But Gaius is already doomed. If you confess, the witch finder will just burn you both. Merlin: But it's my fault! Don't you understand? The dragon: All too well, young warlock, but understand this, if you we're die, you would endanger the lives of all those that rely upon you. Merlin: There must be something I can do. There must be. Please, help me. The dragon: Merlin, I see you are distressed by this. But I cannot help you, because I do not know how to. Merlin: I can't just stand by and watch Gaius die. I can't! The dragon: I am sorry. JAIL OF CAMELOT Aredian: You're a traitor, you're an imposter. Sorcery is your only master. Gaius: I serve only my king. Aredian: Huh! In what way ave you serve him? You have lied to him, you have broken his laws, you have betrayed his trust. Gaius: I have saved his life, I have treated his ward, I have protected his only son! Aredian: You have treated his ward? Gaius: I have striven to help all those in need. It is a physician's duty to do so. Aredian: The lady Morgana? Gaius: Among others. Aredian: For what malady does she receive this treatment? Gaius: She...she suffers from nightmares. Aredian: I see. Gaius: But as I said, I fell it is my duty to attend to the needs of... Aredian: Yes, yes. You seem very keen to change the subject, Gaius. Perhaps I should question her myself. Gaius fear to Morgana. Morgana is asked in turn. Aredian: There's no need to be concerned, my lady, I won't detain you long. There's just a small detail I wish to clarify. Now, it is true, is it not, that you have received treatment for nightmares? And it was Gaius, the court physician, who administered these treatments, these potions? Morgana (to low voice) : Yes. Aredian: I'm sorry, could you speak up? Morgana: Yes. Aredian: Thank you. Now, you may go. You don't happen to know what was in these potions, I suppose? Morgana: Oh, no. Aredian: No, of course not. You are not a physician after all. So, for all you know, these potions could have been magical, your dreams, the product of an enchanted elixir? Morgana: Oh, I had these dreams before Gaius started treating me. Aredian: But have they got better or worse since Gaius began treating you? Morgana: Worse. Aredian: As I thought. Thank you. You have been most helpful. Aredian wake up Gaius completely tired. Aredian: Gaius? Are you prepared to confess? Gaius: I'd rather die first. Aredian: Good. And die you shall. But not alone, I'm pleased to say you shall have company. Gaius: What? Aredian: Merlin and The lady Morgana are to join you in the flames. Gaius: No! This is a trick. Aredian: You have corrupted them, Gaius, and they must answer to their king. Unless... Gaius: Unless what? BOARDROOM OF THE CASTLE Aredian bring Gaius in front the king. He create him as a guilty. Aredian: Confess! Confess! Gaius: I am a sorcerer, sire. I am responsible for conjuring the smoke. I am guilty of partisans magic in Camelot. The goblin, the faces in the well... I am the sorcerer who conjured the toad from his mouth. Uther: You have betrayed me, Gaius. You have betrayed your friends. But above all, you have betrayed yourself. By the laws of Camelot, I must sentence you...to death. Aredian: The sorcerer will be purged of his magic by means of fire! He shall be burned at the stake tomorrow at dawn! Bear witness and heed this lesson! Merlin (he advances to Aredian) : You are a liar! Aredian: Guards! Merlin: You are a liar! Arthur: I'll deal with this. (he escort Merlin to the jail) I know you're upset, I know you're angry, it's all right. I'm not throwing you in jail. Merlin: Ten what are you doing? Arthur: I'm breaking the law. I can only give you a few minutes. Merlin: They wouldn't let me see you. There was nothing Icould do... Gaius: I know...Iunderstand. Merlin: I can't believe it. I can't believe Uther could do this to you. Gaius: He had no choice. Once Aredian had found the amulet. Merlin: I didn't even know you had such a thing. Gaius: It isn't mine. Merlin: Why did you say it was? Gaius: I was trying to protect you. Merlin: I don't know what to say. Gaius: It's all right, Merlin, you don't have to say anything. Merlin: Yes, I do. The amulet isn't mine either. Gaius: Then how did it get there? Merlin: Aredian. Gaius: Aredian? Merlin: There's no other explanation. Gaius: But why? Merlin: All that matter is if I can prove he planed it, you're saved! Gaius: No. You must let this go. Merlin: You are falsely accused. I have a chance to prove that. I must take that chance. Gaius: No. You must not. Merlin: I don't understand. Do you want to die? Gaius: No. But neither do I want you to die. And die you surely will if you get too close to Aredian. He will trap you, Merlin, he will manipulate you, and without ever meaning to, you will incriminate yourself...but...You must let this go. Merlin: I must let you go? Gaius: To do otherwise would be an act of suicide. GAIUS HOUSE Merlin look the building of the pyre in the courtyard. JAIL OF CAMELOT Aredian: Ah, Gaius. I hope you have found some relief, now that your ordeal is over. Gaius: Your concern is touching, Aredian. Now, will you please get out to my sight? Aredian: Of course. I just thought you'd hear the news, that's all... Gaius: What news? Aredian: My investigation have begun. Gaius: Begun? But you've already extracted my confession. Aredian: Indeed. Which just leaves Merlin and the lady Morgana. Gaius: But we struck a bargain! Aredian: Pah! I don't bargain with sorcerers. (he laughs) MORGANA'S CHAMBER Aredian is in morgana's chamber to ask her. GAIUS HOUSE Gwen: Merlin? He won't let go! Merlin: What happened? Gwen: The witch finder's questioning Morgana again. I'm worried, Merlin. She's close to breaking point. Merlin: That's what he does. In the end. you confess whether you're guilty or not. Gwen: What did you mean? Merlin: Gaius was set up. Aredian planted that amulet. Gwen: But why would he do such a thing? Merlin: Aredian is paid to catch sorcerers. Maybe he doesn't care if someone is guilty. Maybe he gets confessions by lying, by planting evidence. As long as he gets a confession, he gets his money. Gwen: Even if this is true, what can we do without proof? Merlin: Get some. [SCENE_BREAK] AREDIAN'S CHAMBER Merlin come in Aredian's chamber, and search. He stripping the bed. Merlin: Tospringe (The cupboard open, he takes flower petals) NOISE FROM OUTSIDE Merlin: Daefte that bedd (the cover are repair) Aredian come and sees the cupboard open, he thinks there is someone, but he sees anybody. GAIUS HOUSE Gwen: This is hopeless. Merlin: Keep looking. Gwen: We don't even know whether this flower means anything. Merlin: No, we don't, but it's all we're got. Here. Belladonna. Gwen: "For the alleviation of ulcers, allergies, muscular inflammation..." This is hopeless, Merlin. Merlin: Wait, listen. "Under certain conditions, a tincture of the flower can produce hallucinations." Gwen: So? Merlin: Aredian's witnesses. It wasn't magic they were seeing, it was visions. Gwen: It makes sense...If he's faking the evidence...But how can we prove it? Merlin: Aredian's too clever to have given the tincture to them directly. They must've got it from someone else. Gwen: They could've been getting it from anyone. Merlin: Is there anything, anything at all that these people had in common? Gwen: They sere all women. Merlin: But that doesn't tell us anything. Gwen: Yes, it does! What's the one thing only women would buy? Things to make them look beautiful. APOTHECARY'S SHOP Apothecary: Gwen? Gwen: Do you sell a tincture of belladonna? Apothecary: What's this all about? Gwen: Please, it's important. Apothecary: Well, I think. I've got some somewhere. But what you'd wanting with eye drops in the middle of the night, I really don't want to know. Gwen: Eye drops? Apothecary: Yes, women use them to make their eyes more beautiful. Merlin: Where did you get this? Apothecary: Well, my usual suppliers. Merlin: Are you sure you didn't get it from someone else? Apothecary: Of course, I'm sure. Now, if it's all the same to you, I'd like to get some sleep. Gwen: It was Aredian who gave you the belladonna. Apothecary: I don't know what you're talking about. Merlin: But you know that Gaius will be executed tomorrow, don't you? Apothecary: That has nothing to do with me. Merlin: That has everything to do with you. Aredian's witness saw visions. Visions produced by the belladonna in these eye drops. If we can prove this, we have a chance of saving Gaius. Apothecary: He...forced me to sell it. He said he'd kill me if I said anything to anyone. Gwen: But it was him? It was Aredian? Apothecary: Yes, It was him. Gwen: Thank you. Merlin: Thank you. GAIUS HOUSE Merlin gathered every proof. Merlin: That's it. We've got everything we need. Gwen: But is it enough? Merlin: We've got a witness as well, surely that's enough. Gwen: It's still our word against Aredian's. Merlin: Gwen, we don't have a choice! By dawn tomorrow, Gaius will be dead! Gwen: Merlin, we've got to give Uther something he cannot deny, something not even Aredian can talk his way out of. Merlin: I'll be as quick as I can! AREDIAN'S CHAMBER Aredian is a deep sleep, but Merlin succeed to enter in the room. Merlin: Hly...Hly min next bebod...ceolwaerc GAIUS HOUSE Gwen wait Merlin's return patiently. Gwen: Come on, Merlin, come on... JAIL OF CAMELOT Aredian: Good morning, Gaius. GAIUS HOUSE Gwen: Merlin! Where have you been? Merlin: Everything's in place. Gwen: But Gaius has already left the dungeons! Merlin: Then...Then we have to delay the execution! Gwen: How?! Merlin: Arthur...I'll speak to Arthur. Gwen: No! Leave Arthur to me. They run until pyre. COURT OF CAMELOT Gaius arrive in the Aredian's cage. Aredian pull Gaius until pyre. Arthur: Easy there! Show him some respect! Gwen: Excuse me...excuse me...I need to get through...sorry...Excuse me...Arthur! Arthur, Arthur, you've got to stop this. Arthur: I can't, Gwen. You know I can't. Gwen: Merlin has proof that Gaius is innocent! Arthur: My father has passed sentence. Nothing I can do. Gwen: You can do the right thing, Arthur Pendragon! You can show some faith in a loyal friend, or stand by and watch an innocent man die. Arthur: Guenièvre... Gwen: You did it to my father. Are you willing to let it happen again? And you can stop looking at me like that. I know I'm only a servant. I thought you were a prince. So start behaving like one. Arthur: Wait! GREAT HALL OF CAMELOT Merlin: Sire, the witnesses saw nothing but hallucinations...induced by the belladonna in these eye-drops. Uther: (to witnesses) And you bought this belladonna from this man? (to apothecary) Where did you get it from? Don't be afraid. No harm will come to you here. Apothecary: The witch finder...He gave them to me. Uther: Did he tell you what it was for? Apothecary: No. Only that if I did not sell it, he'd have me burnt at the stake. Uther: (to Aredian) How do you answer to these accusations? Aredian: They are absurd. The boy has clearly concocted these lies in the hope of saving his master. Merlin: Then you won't mind if we search your chambers? Uther: Silence! You have no authority. Arthur: Father, let's settle this once and for all. If what Merlin says in wrong, then he must bear the consequences. But if there is some truth in what he says... Aredian: I have nothing to hide. AREDIAN'S CHAMBER The chamber is searched thoroughly. Aredian: You're wasting your time. Arthur: The cupboard over there. Amulets fall in cupboard. Aredian: These things don't belong to me! This is a trick! That boy plots against me! Suddenly, Aredian spit a toad from his mouth. Uther: Sorcerer! (Aredian catches Morgana, and takes her as hostage). Aredian, think very carefully about what you are doing. You'll never escape from Camelot alive. Aredian: I will if you value the life of your ward. Merlin: Forbearnan! Aredian burns his hand with his knife, then he bumps on the coffer, and falls in the tower. GAIUS HOUSE Uther: Gaius. I'm glad I found you here. Gaius: As am I, my lord. I thought I would never see these chambers again. Uther: If anything was damaged in the search, I will be only too glad to replace it. Gaius: You're very kind, my lord. Uther: Aredian...I can still scarcely believe that he was a sorcerer. Gaius: Indeed. Was there some reason you wished to see me? Uther: Yes...I...I wanted to say, I'm sorry if you suffered at his hands. Gaius: But I did not suffer at his hands, Uther. I suffered at yours. He worked for you, my lord. He was merely following your orders. Uther: But I was deceived... Gaius: No. You were deceived long before Aredian, for you deceived yourself. You see foes where there are friends, you see sorcerers where there are but servants. I am not the first to be wrongly accused in your war against magic. And not all have been as lucky as I. Uther: I assure, Gaius, every measure will be taken to ensure that nothing like this will happen again. Gaius: I hope that is true. For all our sakes. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do. Night falls, Gaius serves dinner. Gaius: What I don't understand is how you knew he'd concealed evidence in his chamber. Merlin: Oh, just a hunch, really. Gaius: I see. And the toad? Merlin: That...I...er...can't explain. Gaius: Hmm. I can hardly explain it myself. Unless, of course...you put it there. Merlin: OK, Gaius, fair enough, I promise I will never save your life again. Gaius: Promise? Merlin: Absolutely. (they laugh) Gaius: Honestly Merlin, the toad was a step too far. Merlin: I know, I know, but you should have seen the look on his face! They laugh again.	Plan: A: her; Q: What is Morgana certain Aredian will see straight through? A: magic; Q: What is Uther determined to wipe out in Camelot? A: suspicion; Q: What is no one beyond this time? A: Aredian; Q: Who is the most dreaded witchfinder in the land? A: a terrifying man; Q: What is Aredian like? A: sorcery; Q: What does Aredian want to uncover? A: Gaius impresses; Q: How does Merlin know he is in danger? A: Morgana; Q: Who is certain she will be burned at the stake? A: no such warning; Q: What does Morgana need? Summary: Uther is determined to wipe out magic in Camelot once and for all, and this time no one is beyond suspicion. He summons the most dreaded witchfinder in the land, Aredian, a terrifying man who will stop at nothing to uncover sorcery. Gaius impresses upon Merlin how much danger he is in but Morgana needs no such warning. She is certain Aredian will see straight through her and she will be burnt at the stake. Can Merlin protect Morgana and Gaius without ending up in the flames himself?
[PREVIOUSLY_ON] (OPEN in Lorelai and Luke's bedroom, night. PA is sleeping at the foot of the bed and Luke and Lorelai are sleeping in it. Suddenly bells start ringing, and the couple wakes up startled) LORELAI: Oh, my god! LUKE: What is that? LORELAI: What is...Is it in the house? LUKE: It's church bells. LORELAI: Whe...How'd the church bells get in the house? LUKE: They're outside. LORELAI: Whe...In the yard? LUKE: No, at the church. What time is it? LORELAI: It's three twelve. Why are the church bells ringing at three twelve? LUKE: I don't know. I was having a dream, too. I was shopping for a car and I wanted to see the trunk space, and... 'cause I have a truck and it's convenient to haul things. So I wanted to see what the deal with the car was, and the salesman opened it. I asked him how many cubic feet it was and he looked it up in the manual and I was satisfied. So when he closed the hood, the bells rang. LORELAI: You have very mundane dreams. KIRK (mumbled from outside): Town meeting. LORELAI: Huh! MAN (mumbled from outside): Town meeting. LORELAI: What was that? LUKE: Some dead guy yelling something. LORELAI: Ghosts are yelling something outside the house? LUKE: No, guys I'm gonna kill yelling stuff outside the house. KIRK (mumbled from outside): Town meeting. LORELAI: What are they saying? LUKE: There was a clown beating? LORELAI: Huh! Not again. MAN (mumbled from outside): Town meeting, KIRK (clearly from outside): Town meeting. LUKE: Now, they're saying, "town meeting". LORELAI: Town meeting? At this hour? LUKE: What the hell is Taylor up to? (At the same time) LUKE: Lets get back to sleep. LORELAI: All right. Guess we better go. LUKE: What? I'm going back to bed. LORELAI: What? You can't go back to sleep. LORELAI: Come on, it's a town meeting. LUKE: It's the middle of the night. LORELAI: Uh, sorry, we might miss something. (Lorelai gets out of bed and starts pulling Luke's arm, he groans) (CUT to Patty's studio during the town meeting, same night. People in pj's are taking their seats around the hall as Lorelai and Luke enter) LUKE: Oh, good, full house. Just goes to show how easily manipulated we all are. You ring a bell, we drool like dogs. (they walk towards a couple of seats and sit in front of Babette) LORELAI: Just don't drool where we sit. It'll be messy. BABETTE: Hey, you guys hear the bells? LUKE: No, we were just on one of our spontaneous three-in-the-morning strolls, saw everybody in here, and wondered, "hey, what's up?". BABETTE: Really? LUKE: No. BABETTE: (to Lorelai) He's cranky at three in the morning. LORELAI: Any idea what this is about? BABETTE: No, Taylor's not even here yet, and Kirk's up there, futzing with something, but he won't tell us what's going on. KIRK: (from the stage, fussing with a screen) We're just about ready here, folks. LUKE: Ready for what? What is this? KIRK: Here we go. (presses a button on the screen. Taylor appears on the screen) TAYLOR (From Screen): Greetings, everyone. LORELAI: Taylor? BABETTE: He's in a little box. LUKE: The nightmare continues. TAYLOR (From Screen): Is it looking okay, Kirk? KIRK: Yeah, you could use a little pancake. PATTY: Weird. I can still smell his cologne. TAYLOR (From Screen): People, we have a tremendous problem that needs our immediate attention. That's why I chose the extraordinary step of broadcasting to you tonight from this remote location. (a ping-pong ball hits him on the head) Ow! LUKE: What was that? LORELAI: Looked like a ping-pong ball. TAYLOR (From Screen): Now, as we all know, the Annual Stars Hollow Winter Carnival is this weekend. (another ping-pong ball hits him) Ow! (turns to someone we can't see on he screen) Timmy, do not throw ping-pong balls at me. TIMMY (OS): You're a Doo-doo head. TAYLOR (From Screen): And do not call me a Doo-doo head. I'm in the middle of something important. LUKE: Where the hell are you, Taylor? TAYLOR (From Screen): I'm at my sister's in Maine. Anyway, we have never not had a Stars Hollow Winter Carnival. It's a hundred and twenty-five year tradition. LORELAI: Is he getting to the point soon? BABETTE: Yeah, come on, Doo-doo head. TAYLOR (From Screen): Fine, let's cut to the chase. I run the winter carnival, it's this weekend, and I am snowed in, unable to get back into town. (gets no reaction from the town) PATTY: So, what's this about, Taylor? TAYLOR (From Screen): Maybe it's the lateness of the hour or the computer connection isn't clear. (another ping-pong ball) TIMMY (OS): Doo-doo head! TAYLOR (From Screen): We have never had to cancel a carnival, and it's absolutely impossible for me to get back into town to run it. (Luke yawns) BABETTE: I must be tired. I'm not getting this. PATTY: It's like a riddle or something. TAYLOR (From Screen): People, are you not hearing me? I won't be there to run the carnival. Draw the obvious conclusion. PATTY: Oh, OK, I got it now. TAYLOR (From Screen): Thank you, patty. PATTY: Kirk, could you take it over? KIRK: Sure. PATTY: Great. Anything else, Taylor? TAYLOR (From Screen): Oh, well, good for you, people. I guess we don't have to cancel it after all. LORELAI: Thanks, Taylor. (to Luke. Pats his knee) Come on, let's get you to bed. (everyone starts to get up from their seats) LUKE: (as they start to exit the studio) I'm gonna fall back to sleep and dream about running Taylor over in that car I was looking at. LORELAI: Oh. Is there enough room to put his body in the trunk? (Luke nods as they exit) TAYLOR (From Screen): Now, then, I would recommend that we immediately start discussing some details. The sooner, the better is always best. Now, then, food. We'll obviously have the carnival staples. (people are no longer paying attention to Taylor and are slowly exiting the hall. It's almost empty) French dip sandwiches, corn on the cob, apple cider, et cetera. Now, we almost ran out of hot chocolate last year, so I would recommend upping the supply by 11%. Timmy! Put down that Rubik?s cube. Timmy, do not throw that Rubik?s cube at me. OPENING CREDITS (CUT to Luke's diner, morning. Luke seems very tired as he's pouring coffee to some customers) LUKE: Here...here...here. CUSTOMER 1: This was tea. LUKE: Now you got a hybrid. That's very in right now. (walks over to Lorelai's table who's drinking coffee and is going over some papers and stuff) LORELAI: I've gotten so much done this morning, it's scary. LUKE: Coffee? (walks over to a nearby table to get an empty cup) LORELAI: I already got some. I saw the sunrise. I paid all my bills. (Luke brings the cup over and starts to pour coffee) I already got some, hon. And, this is a first, I saw the beginning of Katie Couric. I don't think I've seen the first five minutes of her in my life. You know, she and Matt Lauer are much more serious in the first half-hour than they are later on. I guess that makes sense. You know, you can afford to make people sad and angry about war and the economy and stuff when they first wake up. But then, just as they're heading to the office, you leave them with a dose of Matthew McConaughey, "people's sexiest man", and whoosh! they're rarin' to go. LUKE: (yawing) Yeah, Matthew McConaughey always gets me rarin'. (Kirk outside is busy with the fair stuff) LORELAI: And I'm even volunteering to, um, man a booth at the carnival this year. I got a great concept, too. What about you? You got anything special planned today? LUKE: (startled and very nervous) Today? No, not today. It's a bunch of the same old, same old errands. The usual. CUSTOMER 1: Not liking my "hybrid". LUKE: Coming. (they peck on the lips) I'll call you later. LORELAI: (pointing at the two cups of coffee) See what you did here? LUKE: Sorry. (takes both cups and walks away) LORELAI: Oh, no, wait, I want the one I had already. Oh, well, OK. (CUT to hallway of Paris, Doyle and Rory's apartment, morning. Rory come up the stairs and stops as she notices something in front of their door. She goes over to pick it up as she nods her head disapprovingly. It's a vase of flowers. She unlocks the door) (CUT to inside apartment, continuous. Paris is working on something in flower filled apartment as Rory enters. Paris notices the flowers) PARIS: Oh, terrific. Bring 'em on in, Algernon. The more, the merrier. RORY: It's Logan's doing. What can I do? (starts to chain the door) PARIS: Tell him to stop. RORY: We're not speaking, remember? PARIS: Well, they're putting our lives in jeopardy. RORY: Oh, stop it. (walks in the apartment) PARIS: They scream bling, draw eyes to the apartment. Bad guys see roses, then they come for our diamonds. RORY: We don't have diamonds. PARIS: The Doo-Wop group doesn't know that. (as Rory is about to put the vase near the window) Yeah, by the window is good, next to the neon sign that says "come pistol-whip us". RORY: Fine, I'll hide them. (puts the flowers on the floor) PARIS: You know, I see Logan at the paper a few times a week. I can lean on him, make him stop. RORY: He's going to get the message eventually. PARIS: Well, he better get it quick. Between the paper and classes, I'm only home a few hours a day, and I'd rather not spend them in mortal fear. (there is a knock on the door and Paris instinctively takes cover) RORY: Paris. PARIS: (to the person outside) Yeah? MAN (OS outside the door): UPS. Got a package for Rory Gilmore. PARIS: From? MAN (OS outside the door): Harry and David. PARIS: Great. Fancy fruit. RORY: I'm sorry. (Paris walks over to the door) PARIS: Step back from the door and keep your hands where I can see them. (starts to unchain the door) (CUT to outside park, morning. The place is covered with snow. There are few people there. Two guys are throwing a frisbee around, as Luke walks up to April who's sitting on a bench her bike and bike helmet nearby) LUKE: Surprise. APRIL: Was this not a planned thing? LUKE: Why? APRIL: You said, "surprise". LUKE: No, it was just...just a...how you doing? (extends his hand for a shake) APRIL: Good. (she takes it and they shake hands) This is how the avian flu spreads, by the way. LUKE: Oh, sorry! (quickly takes his hand away) APRIL: I was just saying. LUKE: No, I heard that, too. Heard a guy on CNN say it. APRIL: Right. They fired my favourite, Aaron Brown. He was comforting. LUKE: Yes, he was. Mind if I sit? APRIL: No, go ahead. (Luke sits next to her. There is an awkward silence) So...do you like to hang out here? LUKE: The park? No. APRIL: Then why are we meeting here? LUKE: I thought kids liked parks. APRIL: It's 41 degrees out. Not exactly peak park-going season. LUKE: But there's still stuff to do, right? I mean, we could have a snowball fight, or something. APRIL: My friend Remi got into a snowball fight with a guy once, and she got a retina detached. LUKE: Well, we'll skip that, then. Uh...sorry. I'll think of something better to do next time, OK? I don't really know what kids are into. APRIL: Hey, whatever. LUKE: Oh, and I said "next time". I don't know if you caught that. APRIL: I did. LUKE: Did your mom explain that this isn't necessarily a one-time thing? I was thinking maybe we could make it semi-regular or even just, you know, regular. APRIL: Uh, OK. LUKE: Good. So, what's your free time like? APRIL: I've got no school this whole week. It's year-round, so we get weird times off. LUKE: Well, then maybe we can do something tomorrow, too, something less cold. APRIL: OK. LUKE: So, what kind of things do you like to do? APRIL: I like Morse code. I'm learning that. My mom gave me a putter, so I putt some. And I like talking to my Indian friend Shamilah in Bangalore over the internet. LUKE: I wouldn't be much help with any of that. We could bowl, or go to a movie, or maybe there's a zoo around somewhere. APRIL: How about I just come and hang out at the diner? LUKE: (shocked and nervous) What diner? My diner? APRIL: Yeah. LUKE: Won't it be boring? APRIL: No way. (Luke does not look pleased) Diners fascinate me. The hustle, the bustle, the monte cristos. LUKE: The diner? APRIL: Yeah, that'd be fun. LUKE: Can't think of anything else, huh? APRIL: I think it'd be great. LUKE: Well, OK, sure. The diner. Tomorrow you will come to the diner. (he chuckles nervously and clears his throat) So, uh, what do you want to do right now? APRIL: I've been counting how many times those frisbee guys over there have dropped it. LUKE: Uuh, OK. Let's keep watching. APRIL: The one with the hat's a big, fat butterfingers. (they watch the guys playing frisbee) (CUT to Dragonfly Inn, morning. Lorelai is signing some papers and having a conversation with Kirk) LORELAI: Kirk, you needed carnival-game volunteers and I volunteered. What's with the hassle? KIRK: We do things like ring toss and rope ladder climbing. Your choice is unorthodox. LORELAI: That's because I'm not orthodox. I'm liberal with a touch of reform and a smidgen of zippity-pow. KIRK: You're aware that this is the first time I'm running the winter carnival? LORELAI: I am aware. (they start walking to the reception desk) KIRK: I can't afford to have anything go wrong. LORELAI: Kirk, I promise! This booth will be a big hit. It will not embarrass you, OK? I promise. KIRK: Your promise means nothing to me. You break them all the time. LORELAI: (gasps) I do not. KIRK: 1997, you promised to bring me back a souvenir pen and ink set from your trip to Colonial Williamsburg. LORELAI: I...I did? KIRK: 1999, you promised to put in a good word for me at Al's Pancake World when Al had that batter boy opening. LORELAI: He calls them "batter boys"? KIRK: Year 2000, you promised to teach me to swim. I still don't know how to swim. What if there's a tsunami? LORELAI: Well... KIRK: 2001, you promised to come to my birthday party, and I waited and waited and... LORELAI: Kirk! Kirk, scout's honour, this booth will make you proud, OK? (as they enter the reception desk area Lorelai notices someone waiting) Now...excuse me, hi. Are you Liam Driessen by any chance? LIAM: I am. LORELAI: Hi, Lorelai Gilmore. I'm here to make your stay and the rest of the New England Maple Syrup Council's stay as comfortable as possible. LIAM: So far, so good. Love the local colour here. LORELAI: (noticing Kirk who's followed her and is standing close to them) Uh, Kirk, it's really not appropriate to be standing right next to me like this. KIRK: But we work together. LORELAI: But not here. KIRK: Liam, can I ask you a question? LORELAI: NO that's inappropriate too to ask a quest... KIRK: Would you pay a dollar to have your fortune told by a dog? LIAM: A dog? LORELAI: It's for a carnival. It's very cute. KIRK: A dog that has no previous experience telling people's fortunes? LIAM: I don't know. KIRK: Well, you're no help. (walks away) LORELAI: Well, just part of our local colour. He's purple. (nervously laughs a bit) Get it? 'Cause local colour and he's a colour. And how about a tour? LIAM: Sure. (they exit) (CUT to Yale Daily News room, morning. The staffers are working, while Paris walks around inspecting) PARIS: That's what we got? JOHNIE: Yup. PARIS: It's posed, staged. Get another and make it candid. JOHNIE: Candid? PARIS: Don't question me. (walks away and moves over to another desk) JOHNIE: But it's a team photo. PARIS: Bill, how's it hangin'? BILL: It's hanging OK. PARIS: Good, good. You like the Washington Post, do you? BILL: Yes. PARIS: Because they like to split their infinitives, at the Washington Post, especially their metro writers, but I don't. BILL: I'm not seeing... PARIS: (reading from his computer screen) "The council member chose to forcefully waive her right of veto". BILL: (deleting the sentence) Consider it unsplit. (Paris walks over to another desk, where a staffer is typing something. Paris pushes her aside and types something of her own, then turns to Rory who's getting ready to leave) PARIS: Hey. You check in? RORY: Check in? PARIS: The board. The new system? This is the best way for me to know where anyone is at any given time. (they walk over to a board near the door) All the names are on the left. Each coloured magnet represents an activity. If you're out on assignment, it's a red magnet. If you're in the john, it's a blue magnet. If you're at home, a purple magnet. If you're at your desk, it's a green magnet. RORY: But if they're at their desk, you can just glance over and see that they're at their desks. PARIS: But I'd have to glance all around. This saves extraneous glancing. Look, it's not really for people like you. I know you're dedicated. I trust you, but I can't appear to be playing favourites. RORY: I have a class. PARIS: Orange magnet. (Rory takes the magnet and puts in on the board next to her name. Paris looks pleased and Rory exits) (CUT to Yale hallway, continuous. Rory has just exited the newsroom. Her way is blocked by a coffee cart) RORY: (to coffee cart vender, Ben) Excuse me. BEN: You're Rory Gilmore? RORY: Yes. BEN: Someone pointed you out to me. This is for you. (pointing at the coffee cart) RORY: What is? BEN: The coffee cart. RORY: For me? BEN: Courtesy of Logan Huntzberger. RORY: Oh, I see. Well, I don't want any coffee right now. (bypasses the coffee cart) Thanks anyway, and sorry you wasted your time, Ben. (starts to walk away) BEN: No problem. (Ben follows her, with the coffee cart. Rory notices) RORY: What are you doing? BEN: I'm hired for the day. RORY: What? BEN: Yep, all day. Any time you want some coffee, biscotti, I will be here. RORY: That's not necessary. BEN: I've already been paid...a lot! RORY: (sighs) Fine. (starts to walk and Ben follows her with the coffee cart) (CUT to Nardini house, night. Anna is sorting some stuff, probably for her store as we hear a TV in the backround) ANNA: Kiddo, is that the TV? APRIL (OS): Yes. ANNA: You watching something stupid? APRIL (OS): Yes. ANNA: You promise? APRIL (OS): Yes. ANNA: OK. (the telephone rings and Anna picks it up) Hello? LUKE (on phone): Hi, Anna. It's Luke. ANNA: Hey there. So, she came back with all her fingers and toes. Very successful first outing. LUKE (on phone): Yeah, it was nice. It was...it was real nice. ANNA: She had a good time, too. And that's impressive 'cause she's picky. LUKE (on phone): Good. Well, so did I. ANNA: So, she's coming by your work tomorrow? (CUT to Luke's apartment, continuous. The scene cuts between Luke's apartment and Anna at her house) LUKE: Oh, she told you that, huh? Uh...Well, listen, here's the thing. I don't know if...it's gonna work out for her to come to the diner. ANNA: Why not? LUKE: Well, it's gonna be really hectic, lots of people swooshing around and all. ANNA: She'll like that. She likes people swooshing around her. LUKE: Pans of hot grease. ANNA: There'll be pans of hot grease swooshing around her? LUKE: If she's in the kitchen, yeah. ANNA: Well, keep her out of the kitchen if there's any grease swooshing. I mean, that doesn't sound safe for you, either. LUKE: I don't even know how much time I can give her. ANNA: No problem. She's very low-maintenance. Just set her up at a table and she'll be fine. LUKE: If there's a table, because some of the tables are reserved. I've got my regulars, you know? They want their tables, so there may not be room. ANNA: She's little. You'll find room. LUKE: You know, Anna, actually, I don't...I don't know if, uh, tomorrow is gonna be good at all for anything. I didn't realize how busy I was. Factor in all the people swooshing and the grease swooshing. ANNA: Luke, no. LUKE: "No" what? ANNA: It doesn't work that way. LUKE: What do you mean? ANNA: Look, I don't know what the problem is here. LUKE: What are you talking about? ANNA: You say you're available one minute, and the next minute you're not? LUKE: I told you, I was just... ANNA: It's not cool, Luke. It's not happening this way. LUKE: What way? It's just a bad time. ANNA: There's no great time to be a parent, Luke, you just are one. And if you're gonna make plans with my kid and get her hopes up and then cancel, then our deal is cancelled. LUKE: Anna, no. ANNA: Yes, that's it. That's how it works. You're either all-in or you're all-out. We didn't ask for this. You did. You wanted contact, a relationship, and now... LUKE: OK, OK, I hear ya. Have her come to the diner tomorrow. ANNA: You're sure? LUKE: I'm sure. I was just over thinking all of this. I'll see her tomorrow. ANNA: OK, she will be there. LUKE: Good. Thanks. It'll be good. ANNA: It better be. Bye, Luke. (hangs up) LUKE: Bye. (hangs up too) (CUT to Rich Man's Shoe, evening. The Daily News staffers are sitting at table talking as Rory enters the pub, notices them and approaches) AK: She's starting to go through trash cans. It's creepy. BILL: That's a privacy violation, for God's sake. SHEILA: What's she looking for? AK: (notices Rory) Uh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh. RORY: (coming up to their table) Hi, guys. AK: Hey, Rory. RORY: Did I interrupt something? (the staffers look uncomfortable) AK: No, no, nothing much. Just hangin'. RORY: What's going on? AK: Nothing. Just enjoying a tipple. RORY: So all the senior staffers from the Yale Daily News are simultaneously enjoying a tipple? JOHNIE: Tell her. AK: No. JOHNIE: Tell her! RORY: Tell me what? AK: This is a war council. RORY: About what? BILL: About Kaiser Geller and her reign of terror. SHEILA: The paper is going to crap. JOHNIE: It's unreadable. BILL: She rewrites our stuff, then rewrites her rewrites. JOHNIE: And to add insult to injury, the copy gets worse every time. SHEILA: She used to be good, right? Wasn't Paris good at one point? AK: Before she was editor. BILL: Now she's Augusto Pinochet in a pantsuit. SHEILA: Yeah, what's up with those pantsuits? JOHNIE: We're seriously considering Howell-Raines-ing her. RORY: You want to force her out? AK: She's out of control. RORY: And you have the authority? SHEILA: We're the board. BILL: And the board has the authority. RORY: I'm a senior staffer, too. Why wasn't I asked to be here tonight? BILL: You're in Paris's pocket. RORY: I am not in Paris's pocket. JOHNIE: You're friends. SHEILA: Best friends, right? That's what Paris is always saying. JOHNIE: And you guys live together. It didn't seem appropriate. RORY: OK, let me set the record straight. I'm devoted to the paper, OK? Personal feelings cannot get in the way of things. Paris and I are not best friends. We're friends, for the most part, and I'm not immune to being driven crazy by her, believe me. JOHNIE: Oh, we believe you. SHEILA: I'm getting crow's-feet. I'm sorry, Paris Geller is not going to give me crow's-feet. AK: So you do acknowledge a problem here? RORY: I just did, AK. Where's the trust, dude? AK: We just want to do this right. RORY: Well, then, let's talk and maybe set the Howell-Raines-ing aside for now. Let's see if we can fix things before we blow them up. AK: Fine. Sit. BILL: But allow us our cathartic purging. RORY: Purge away. (Ben approaches the table and clears his throat) Oh, but first would anyone like a refreshing coffee beverage? I have Ben till nine. STAFFER GUY 1: Well I'll have a decaf latte. BILL: Same here. JOHNIE: Can he do mocha latte? RORY: He does a great mocha latte. JOHNIE: Oh, I'll have a mocha latte. TALLIE: I will too. (CUT to Stars Hollow outside, morning. Lorelai is walking down the street, looking through some mail-envelopes as she bumps into someone dressed in a sweat suit, with the hood on and wearing sunglasses...Taylor) LORELAI: Uhh! Sorry. Taylor? TAYLOR: Shh! LORELAI: What are you doing back? I thought you were stranded at your sister's. TAYLOR: Lorelai, please. (starts to push her back in an alley) LORELAI: Weird time for line dancing. TAYLOR: Fine. OK, I'm back. I got lucky last night and caught a plane out of Maine. LORELAI: Even with the rain in Spain? TAYLOR: Will you be serious for second? LORELAI: What's with the sweats? TAYLOR: I'm incognito. Don't you see? With the carnival coming up, this is my Huckleberry-Finn opportunity to observe things invisibly. You know, I'm not gonna be around forever, Lorelai. LORELAI: Oh, Taylor, are you sick? TAYLOR: No, just mortal. And eventually someone, maybe Kirk, is going to have to take over the many delicate tasks I perform for this town. The streetlamp illumination monitoring, the lawn-height measuring. LORELAI: Now I'm just getting sad. TAYLOR: Please keep my secret. LORELAI: Mum's the word. TAYLOR: Well, I should go. LORELAI: Back to 8 mile? TAYLOR: What? LORELAI: Nothing. Ooh, behind you. (as she notices some passers-by, Taylor covers up a bit more. They kinda wave each other goodbye and Taylor walks way. Lorelai looks on a bit amused and then starts to leave to) (CUT to Town Square, continuous. Workers are fixing up the square for the carnival. Zach, as one of the workers, carries a box with stuff and sets it down as Lorelai greats him. He's in a mood) LORELAI: Hey, Zach. You helping out? ZACH: Got to keep body and soul together. LORELAI: Well, this is space 18 and that's my booth, so we're a team. ZACH: We should get uniforms. LORELAI: You OK? ZACH: Yeah, I'm great. I lost my girlfriend, my band's broken up, my best friend won't speak to me, and I'm reduced to working as a five-dollar-an-hour carny. Bob Dylan should write a song about me. LORELAI: I'm sorry about you and Lane. ZACH: Yeah, well... LORELAI: But you'll get through this rough patch and life will move on. Trust me. It's human nature to move on. ZACH: What?! LORELAI: What "what"? ZACH: Are you saying Lane's moved on? LORELAI: No! ZACH: Have you seen her with someone else? LORELAI: No, no, no! I'm just saying people have the ability to move on. ZACH: Oh, my God, God, God. (hold his head in his hands in frustration) I got to go take a break. (walks away) LORELAI: OK. (calling after him) Hope I cheered you up some. (turns and looks at the booth next to hers. She gasps as she sees it's the fortune-tellers booth) Kirk? Kirk! KIRK: Yes, Lorelai? (walks up to her holding his clipboard) LORELAI: Why are you putting the exact same booth right next to my booth? KIRK: Well, frankly, I have my doubts about your dog's ability to predict the future. LORELAI: You have your doubts? KIRK: Yes, and in order to satisfy our guests, I'm hedging our bets by putting the real thing next door so that no one walks away bamboozled. LORELAI: Kirk, there is no real thing. It's all fake. Those tarot cards are not real. My dog cannot predict the future. KIRK: So you admit it? LORELAI: I was never hiding it. KIRK: That's fraud. LORELAI: It's a Doggy Swami. KIRK: My girlfriend says tarot cards are real. LORELAI: Well, I like your girlfriend, but the cards are no more real than my dog. (her cell phone starts to ring and she reaches to her purse to get it) I got to take this, but I would like it if you would move the...(Kirk walks away from her as she answers the phone) Kirk? Kirk?! LUKE (on phone): No, it's me. LORELAI: No, I know it's you. I just was getting frustrated with Kirk. (CUT to Luke's diner, continuous. Scene cuts between Lorelai outside and Luke at the diner) LUKE: What else is new? So, um... I was wondering what your time was like today. LORELAI: My time? LUKE: Because there's something I need to run past you. LORELAI: Oh, I have a minute now. LUKE: I'd like to discuss it in person. LORELAI: Oh, could it wait till tonight? 'Cause I have the syrup council in town and they've got a conference and a meal and Josh is out sick and Jamie's out sick and I just barely got away to come here and get in an argument with Kirk about what's more legitimate. Tarot cards or a fortune-telling dog. LUKE: So you're not coming by the diner? LORELAI: Not today, but I'm totally yours tonight. Is that OK? LUKE: Uh, sure. So you definitely won't be coming by the diner today? LORELAI: Not today, sorry. LUKE: No, it's OK. Just if you were coming by, I wanted to know. And now I know you're not. LORELAI: Right. LUKE: OK, so give Kirk hell and I guess I'll see you tonight. LORELAI: OK, see you tonight. (She hangs up, as Zach comes up to her holding some stuff) Hey, Zach, did you see where Kirk went? ZACH: (pointing) Thataway. (Lorelai walks off, to the direction that he pointed, and Zach notices something. It's Mrs.Kim talking pleasantly to a relatively young, charming Korean man, Joe) Mrs.KIM: Lane will be right here for the carnival. Six o'clock sharp. JOE: Wonderful. Well, keep warm and tell Lane I'll see her later. Mrs.KIM: All right. Bye now. (Joe walks away and leaves Mrs.Kim with a smile on her face, as Zach looks on quite sad) [SCENE_BREAK] (CUT to Luke's diner, morning. Luke is clearing up a table, as April rides her bike up to the diner and starts to talk to the postman. Luke notices her from inside, walks over to the door and goes outside) LUKE: April. APRIL: Hi, Luke. LUKE: Get in here. APRIL: Bye, now. (waves the postman goodbye and she starts walking to the diner) LUKE: What are you doing talking to him? (as they enter the diner) APRIL: He asked about my bike. LUKE: You don't talk to him, you don't know him. He could be a strangler. APRIL: He seemed to know you. LUKE: Yeah, of course. That's Jake. I've known him fifteen years. APRIL: You've known a strangler for fifteen years? LUKE: He's not a strangler. APRIL: Then why can't I talk to him? LUKE: Because you didn't know that. Don't trust anyone, OK? Anyone. APRIL: OK (puts her bike helmet on the counter), then I should go lock my bike. (starts to exit but Luke stops her) LUKE: No, you don't have to lock it. APRIL: You just said I can't trust anyone. LUKE: You don't have to lock your bike. This is a safe town. APRIL: Well, I'm confused. LUKE: (exhales uncomfortably) So...here it is. APRIL: I know. We met here. LUKE: Right, right. So, what do you want to do? Sit and color? APRIL: Color? (chuckles a bit) Wow. I haven't colored in six or seven years. But that takes me back. Coloring. Wow. LUKE: OK, so you don't color. Did you bring a book? APRIL: I don't really feel like reading. LUKE: Well, I don't really have any toys or anything. APRIL: (looks around a bit) Your salt and pepper shakers look a little low. LUKE: Yes, they are. People salt stuff too much. APRIL: Can I refill them? LUKE; You want to refill the salt shakers? APRIL: And the pepper. And possibly the sugar...we'll see how the salt and pepper goes. LUKE: Oh, well, OK. Refill the salt and pepper? Whatever. I'll get the boxes. APRIL: Great. LUKE: Great. (Luke starts to walk to the kitchen as April sits on a stool at the counter. They both chuckle, and Luke exits to the back) APRIL: (wistfully) Coloring. (CUT to Dragonfly Inn dinning room, morning. The New England Maple Syrup Council are having their meeting. Liam is in charge as Lorelai and Sookie look on. The council seem to be tasting straight syrup) LIAM: Well, it may surprise some of you, but that's a syrup derived from a black maple. Yes, it's sweeter than the first two, but it's a natural sweetness with a hint of orange. Very unusual and very good. Let's move on to number four, shall we? And number four is another little surprise. LORELAI: Ugh, gives my skin that weird, tingly feel like something's bubbling underneath it. SOOKIE: It makes the root of my tongue feel like it's retracting back into my throat. LORELAI: What don't they pour it on something. A waffle, a pancake? LIAM: So, let's go ahead and taste number four, shall we? Then we'll talk. (they sip) LORELAI: Ew! SOOKIE: Ew, drinking straight syrup! LORELAI: We don't have to watch this. SOOKIE: It's hard not to. LIAM: A bit of a tobacco taste to it and a bit of marshmallow. SOOKIE: Oh, good. Now I can't smoke a cigar or eat a marshmallow again. LORELAI: How does one discover a talent for this? LIAM: Remember, for anyone who wants one, we have spit buckets. (takwes the buckets out an starts to pass them around) SOOKIE: That's it. LORELAI: See ya. (they walk away) (CUT to Dragonfly in sitting-room area, continuous. Lorelai passes by and notices Logan sitting and waiting for her. HE sighs as he sees her) LOGAN: Hi. LORELAI: Hello. LOGAN: I was gonna call you, but then I figured you wouldn't take the call. LORELAI: (walks up to him) Yeah, you figured right. LOGAN: I just need a minute. LORELAI: I can't fathom what a minute of my time is gonna do for you. LOGAN: Just a minute, please, then I am gone. LORELAI: OK. (they sit) LOGAN: Look, I know I'm not your favorite person in the world. LORELAI: No, you're definitely low on the list, right above the guy who thought up smallpox blankets. LOGAN: Well, in my defense, I think I'm a notch or two higher than that. LORELAI: You're not exactly in a position to comment on that, are you? LOGAN: No. LORELAI: No. In fact, let's take inventory of all the delightful things that have happened since you waltzed into my daughter's life. She was arrested, convicted, she's on probation, she'll have a criminal record unless we can get it expunged, she dropped out of school, moved out of my house, she didn't speak to me for five months, three weeks, and sixteen days. No, wait a minute. Come to think of it, you are my favorite person. LOGAN: OK, I can defend myself on one or two of those points as well. LORELAI: No, you can't. Why are you here? LOGAN: I miss her, OK? I made a mistake and I'm trying to rectify it, but nothing is working. She won't talk to me. LORELAI: Can you blame her? LOGAN: No. I'm doing everything I can. Flowers, gifts. LORELAI: All your old standbys, huh? LOGAN: Books, coffee cart. I'm trying to show her how I feel. LORELAI: And it sounds like she's trying to show you how she feels. LOGAN: Look, I figured this was a suicide mission, OK? It's probably something you and Rory will laugh about for years to come. But I'm not giving up until I exhaust all my options, and asking for your help is one of them. LORELAI: Really? LOGAN: Yes. LORELAI: You're seriously here to ask for my help with Rory? This is not a joke? LOGAN: I'm going for broke here. LORELAI: Well...you got moxie, my friend, I'll give you that. LOGAN: I think I get it from my dad. LORELAI: I hate your dad. LOGAN: Me too. See? We have things in common, you and me. Maybe this isn't so crazy. (CUT to Luke's diner, morning. Lorelai enters the diner and notices April filling up the salt shakers. She approaches her) LORELAI: Oh, hi. APRIL: Hello there. LORELAI: Oh, what are...what are you doing? APRIL: Chores. LORELAI: Yeah, I see. APRIL: Are you a strangler? LORELAI: No, no. APRIL: Just checking. (Lorelai laughs a bit and April takes in her hands a bow of rice) Rice. That's the key. Prevents clumping. LORELAI: Oh, yeah. I hate clumpy salt. APRIL: That's universal. LORELAI: So, who do you belong to. Caesar? APRIL: Who? LORELAI: You're not Caesar's? APRIL: Not according to the lab results. LORELAI: Well, how'd you land the gig? APRIL: My father owns the place. The diner, at least. Not sure about the land. LORELAI: Your father? APRIL: My biological father. (Luke comes out from the kitchen and notices the scene taking place) Not really sure what to call him, it's kind of new. (Lorelai sees him too and they look at each other. Lorelai looks upset. Luke looks uncomfortable) Not the biological part, that was years ago. I wonder if brown rice would work, too. Brown might be more decorative or it might backfire. People might think there are bugs in the salt. I should put some brown rice in one of the shakers and use it as a control group against the other ones. LUKE: I thought you couldn't get away. LORELAI: I got away. APRIL: She said she wasn't a strangler. LUKE: Uh, you want to go outside and uh...? LORELAI: Uh-huh. (walks outside) LUKE: April, I'll be right back, OK? APRIL: OK. (Luke follows Lorelai outside) (CUT to Stars Hollow outside Luke's, continuous. Lorelai is standing there waiting as Luke exits and walks up to her) LORELAI: So she's... LUKE: Yeah. LORELAI: Wow. LUKE: I know. LORELAI: That's... LUKE: My daughter. LORELAI: I don't believe it. LUKE: I still have trouble believing it. LORELAI: You have a... LUKE: Yeah. LORELAI: Right. And what is she, twelve? LUKE: Yeah, twelve. LORELAI: Twelve years. Twelve years! This is for sure? LUKE: It's for sure. LORELAI: When did you find out? LUKE: I just found out. LORELAI: Just? When just? She's in there filling salt shakers. It doesn't feel that new to me. LUKE: Two months ago. LORELAI: Two months?! That's a hell of a long time to go without telling me. LUKE: I know. I should've told you. LORELAI: She's cute. LUKE: Lorelai, I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I'm sorry. It's all just a blur of stuff happening. I mean, she just came into the diner two months ago, no warning, talking about a science fair and how I may be her father, and she pulled my hair out and DNA-tested it, and then I wanted to forget the whole thing, but I went to the fair and found out the truth. And we were at the park, and she wanted to come here. And I called you today, wanting a moment to talk about it, but you were busy, and...so I put it off again. And here we are. LORELAI: Here we are. LUKE: It's stupid. I'm stupid. LORELAI: Look...I need to digest this and you have to get back inside. So, uh, I'm just gonna go someplace where I can digest this and we'll just talk more later, OK? LUKE: Sure. Whenever you want. LORELAI: OK. LUKE: I'm sorry. (Lorelai sadly nods and walks away. Luke doesn't seem to pleased with himself) (CUT to Yale Daily News, morning. All staffers are wearing caps with numbers on them while doing their work. Rory enters notices and approaches Johnie?s office) RORY: "What's up with the caps", she asked, knowing it's probably not good. JOHNIE: It's Paris. She's having trouble remembering everyone's names, or as she puts it, she has more important things to do with her brain. RORY: Oh, geez JOHNIE: Plus some of us have confused the issue by having the same first name. The three Johns?, the two Marthas?. So she's issued numbers. RORY: Oh, geez BILL: Martinet at three o'clock. PARIS: (coming out form her cubicle and approaching a staffer) Nice job on Bienecki map theft article, number seventeen. NUMBER 17: Thanks, Paris. PARIS: Twenty-three and eighty, I need your stuff by five. (notices Rory) Ah, Rory! New system. Here's your number. (passes her a cap) RORY: Paris, you know me. I don't need a number and I'm the only Rory. PARIS: But you don't want me to play favorites, do you? we talked about this. RORY: So we all have numbers? PARIS: Including me. I'm number one. Don't need a cap for that. If they can't remember the number one, they shouldn't be here. RORY: Hey, can we talk in a little more private place? PARIS: Sure. (they start to walk outside) If you're looking for 1 and 2, we'll be in the hallway. (CUT to outside hallway, continuous) RORY: Paris, the atmosphere here, it's getting a little toxic. PARIS: What? RORY: Everyone here is very stressed. The greaseboard, the hats. PARIS: I haven't heard any complaints. RORY: That's because people are afraid to approach you. You rewrite everything they do. You don't delegate. PARIS: That's not true. RORY: Look, the staff and I had a little talk yesterday. It was very impromptu. I won't get into the hairy details, but it would really help if you could relieve some of the pressure here. PARIS: They think it's that bad? RORY: You've taken away the magnets that indicate people are in the bathroom, so now they're afraid to go. PARIS: Well, they were going too much. RORY: People are getting very nervous here. PARIS: Yeah, I see. I'll go talk to them. Thanks for bringing it to my attention. RORY: You're welcome. (they walk back in the office) (CUT to Yale Daily News, continuous. Paris claps to get the staff's attention) PARIS: Where's seventy-three and thirty-two? (the staffers gather around) People, Rory Gilmore has just informed me of the meeting held behind my back concerning my stewardship of the paper. RORY: Oh, Paris. PARIS: Am I tough? You're damn right I'm tough. You think it's going to be any easier entering the work force with every newspaper in the country cutting back on staff? Also, any chance that you'd attempt the same sort of flaccid coup if I were a man? I think not. You're trying to Howell Raines me? Well, forget it. Suck it up and get to work! Otherwise, there's the door. (Paris walks off. Rory resigned puts her cap on as a few of the staffers don't look that pleased with her) (CUT to hallway of Paris, Doyle and Rory's apartment. Rory comes up the stairs and notices Logan waiting for her outside the apartment holding a take out box) LOGAN: I come bearing gifts. RORY: I have to unlock the door. LOGAN: You can't say no to these. I know you. It's biologically impossible. (opens the box - doughnuts - for Rory to see) RORY: Oh, yeah? (looks at the content of the box) No. LOGAN: (as he closes the box and point to the locks) That seems very cumbersome. RORY: You get used to it. LOGAN: You get the coffee cart? RORY: You really think we're gonna chitchat? LOGAN: I just wanted to know. RORY: Yeah, I got it. And the flowers and the books and the candles and the fruit. What's next on the list? A marching band? A parrot who says "I'm sorry"? You have to go. LOGAN: Wait. (takes out an envelope and holds it up for Rory to see) RORY: What's that, a subpoena? LOGAN: It's a note from your mother. RORY: You're kidding. LOGAN: Check out the handwriting, Dragonfly stationery. Can we get out of the hallway? (Rory kicks door the door and opens it) (CUT to inside apartment, continuous. They enter) LOGAN: I went to see her at her inn. We talked a little. It was a tad humiliating. She told me to wait and she came back with this. She said to give it to you. RORY: What's it say? LOGAN: I was instructed not to read it. She even signed the seal on the envelope to make sure. RORY: You have no idea what this says? LOGAN: None. (Rory opens the envelope and starts to read) What's it say? RORY: Shh. (she smiles) LOGAN: What's it say? RORY: Shh! (chuckles) LOGAN: What does it say? RORY: Shh! LOGAN: Come on, Ace, you're laughing. Is that good or bad? RORY: Hmm. Yep. Yep. (laughs) LOGAN: Just give me some indication whether it's good or bad. Something, anything. (Rory stops reading and laughing and is silent) OK, fine. Just tell me. Is there anything in there about giving me a second chance? RORY: I'd have to reread it. LOGAN: Please don't do that, Ace, come on. Come out with me. Let me make it up to you. RORY: Maybe dinner. LOGAN: When? RORY: I'll have to check my schedule. LOGAN: Check it. RORY: I can't do it right now. LOGAN: So? RORY: I'll call you. LOGAN: Good enough. Good enough. You promise you'll call? RORY: Leave the doughnuts. (takes the box form him and Logan exits,. She sits on a chair opens the box takes a doughnut and starts to re-read a letter. She chuckles a bit as she reads) (CUT to Lorelai's house night. Lorelai is in the kitchen taking take-out food out of a brown paper bag looking sad. We hear the door. It's Rory) RORY (OS): Margaret, I'm home. LORELAI: Kitchen. RORY: And I come bearing gifts. Laundry galore. Oh, and I've got some candles and some fancy fruit, too. (she comes in the kitchen loaded with stuff) I don't know who Harry and David are, but they sure do know how to grow a pear. (groans a bit as she carries her stuff in her room) So, your letter? Oh, my God. It was brilliant. It has got to be anthologized. I'm telling you. And he definitely did not read it because he looked flummoxed. (Lorelai sits on a chair and hold her face in her hands) Flummoxed! The whole time I was reading it, and I didn't tell him a thing about it. That's what he gets. So, come on. I want to hear all about his visit with you. (Rory comes back out to the kitchen and notices Lorelai) Mom? LORELAI: Luke has a daughter. RORY: And we'll talk about the letter later. What!? (walks over to the table and sits next to Lorelai) LORELAI: He has a twelve-year-old daughter. I met her today, well I didn't formally meet her, but I saw and I talked to her. RORY: What?! LORELAI: He has a daughter with some woman. We didn't get to that, the big who, but he's known for two months. RORY: Two months? LORELAI: A daughter. RORY: A daughter. LORELAI: What does this say about our relationship? RORY: What do you mean? LORELAI: He waited two months to tell me. RORY: Did he say why he waited? LORELAI: Yes, he said he was confused, and I get that. I mean, I'm confused, but what does it mean that he kept a secret like this? What does it say about him? What does it say about me? Doesn't he trust me? Why doesn't he trust me? RORY: He trusts you, Mom. He's a guy. Sometimes guys are really dumb. LORELAI: She's cute. RORY: She is? LORELAI: Yeah, she seems smart like you. What is it with the next generation? You're all smarter than the rest of us. RORY: Not necessarily. LORELAI: I'm freaking out. RORY: I don't blame you. LORELAI: What else is he hiding? I mean, how can you really know that you know somebody? RORY: I don't think you can. Every relationship is just a big, honkin' leap of faith. LORELAI: Yeah, I guess. RORY: You didn't ask about the mother? LORELAI: I just kinda ran off. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. RORY: Well, Luke must be freaked out double what you're freaked out, you know? Mr.Responsibility? He must've put his baseball cap on backwards. LORELAI: Yeah. RORY: I'm sure he panicked. I'm sure his not telling you says nothing about your relationship. Maybe this is a cheesy perspective to offer you, but Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale went through the same sort of situation. He found out he had a kid that he didn't know about, but they made it work...as far as I know. LORELAI: Meaning? RORY: If they can, you can. LORELAI: Really? RORY: They're people. You're people. I mean, you don't sing and neither does Luke, but really, neither do Gwen or Gavin, but they're still together...I think. I haven't read anything to the contrary. LORELAI: I guess. RORY: You and Luke just need to talk some more. LORELAI: Yeah. Maybe I'll tell Luke about Gwen and Gavin. I mean, if there's any people whose lives Luke would relate to, it's Gwen and Gavin. (they start to pass out their take out food as Lorelai sighs) (CUT to Winter Carnival, night. The camera pans all the way through the carnival to end up at Kirk checking some tickets of Megan and Tillie) MEGAN: They only cost fifty cents? TILLIE: Yeah, how lame would it be to go to the trouble of counterfeiting? KIRK: No mind games. They're legit. (he lets the girls pass) TILLIE: Another crime thwarted. MEGAN: Good job, Colombo. (As the girls walk away we see Taylor still in disguise inspecting the carnival. He approaches a vender) TAYLOR (in German accent): Guten tag, there. I would like, uh, what you call them?...A hot dog? VENDER: Coming up. (Taylor inspects the cart and stops quickly as the vendor comes back with the hot dog) TAYLOR (in German accent): Ja. Oh, und we are having cold weather this year, nein? (he walks away and the vender looks after him a bit confused) (CUT to Lorelai's booth. Lorelai and Rory are manning their booth) RORY: It's a smashing concept. LORELAI: And Kirk was doubtful. RORY: We've already raked in eighteen dollars. LORELAI: And the night is young. RORY: Come on, Doggy Swami, break's over. (Paul Anka climbs up the booth) LORELAI: He is liking his hat. RORY: Well, it's very flattering. You know, I can man this myself if you don't feel like being here. LORELAI: No, it's good for me. Nothing is a better distraction than a dog in a turban, telling fortunes. RORY: It's a cliche for a reason. LORELAI: (starts yelling to advertise the booth) Come see the Amazing Doggy Swami. Discover your future... RORY: If you dare. LORELAI: It's silly. RORY: And fun. LORELAI: And real. Very, very real. (stares pointedly at the tarot cards reader on the next booth) (CUT to Mrs.Kim's booth. Lane in manning it) LANE: Congratulations! Nice job! (at new visitor) Want to play? It's only a dollar. MAN1: Sure. (he pays and then throws something that Lane gave him in a ?pit? that has cardboard flames on it's edges) LANE: Winner! We have a winner! MAN1: Really? That's it? LANE: That's it. Here's your prize. (hands him a piece of paper as Joe, the Korean young man from before approaches Lane) MAN1: (reads the paper) "Hell is waiting for you, sinner". LANE: Enjoy. (the Man walks away) LANE: Alright! Who wants to win? Don't be afraid of playing! (we see that Zach is spying on Lane and Joe) Step up and play "toss the sybarite into the hellfire". Everybody's a winner! JOE: I'm gonna go take a little walk, check out the competition. LANE: Just don't let my mother see you play anything too decadent. JOE: I'll be back in a bit. (as Joe leaves, Zach follows him and Lane keeps advertising her booth) LANE: Come on people! Step right up! You can't lose. I'm guaranteeing you a good... (camera pans on Taylor who is inspecting another booth and stops quickly when the vendor notices him and he sees Patty walking towards him) TAYLOR (in French accent): Ahh! Oui! Look at ze games. It is so marvelous that I am 'ere to see it. What a great country. J'adore. (he walks away quickly as Patty and another visitor walk by) PATTY: Taylor finally flipped his lid. (CUT to Babette's booth) BABETTE: (at visitor) Yeah, poor Morey couldn't make it. I made him drink thirty bottles of coke last night for the game here, so he's still throwing up. And then I ended up not using 'em. Shame, huh? But I'll tell him you said "hi". (The visitor leaves as Babette yells at Joe who's walking by) Hey, want to throw some balls? JOE: (walks up to the booth and pays) Just don't laugh too hard at me. BABETTE: Never, never. (gives him the balls) Come on up here. (Zach walks over to the booth all determined) ZACH: Give me some balls. BABETTE: Fresh balls coming up. (Joe throws once and hits a bottle. Babette applauds, Zach mockingly laughs, throws harder and hits quite a few bottles) ZACH: Yeah! BABETTE: Watch it, honey. It could bounce off the back and hit the girls manning the dime toss. (after Joe's second toss) There you go. You're getting the hang of it. ZACH: Yeah, cute little throw. JOE: Excuse me? ZACH: Pretty boy says what? JOE: What? (Zach throws the second one much harder) BABETTE: Jeez, Zach, what's with being all goose gossage? (Zach starts to hit Joe's bottles and gets them all) Zach, those aren't your bottles! ZACH: Yeah! Yeah! (in Joe's face) Welcome to the S.H., bitch! JOE: What's your problem? ZACH: I don't got a problem, friend. My problem is I got no more bottles to knock down. BABETTE: Who do I give the prize to? ZACH: Give it to Asian George Clooney over here. I'm outtie. (walks away) BABETTE: So, I...I...I got smurfs and dirty pasta. (CUT to Taylor checking the cider booth. He has a thermometer to see the cider's temperature. Maggie who's manning the booth notices this) MAGGIE: What'd you just put in there? TAYLOR (in British accent): Nothing, lady. MAGGIE: You stuck something in the cider. TAYLOR: (in British accent) I did not. (in normal voice) Although if I did, it would be a thermometer and it might indicate that you are on the border of under-heating your cider. MAGGIE: Get away from me. TAYLOR: Gladly! MAGGIE: Now. Right now. (Taylor walks away as the camera pans over at Mrs.Kim's booth. Jo, from the pizza place and the arcade, is tossing the thingy in the "pit" and misses) Mrs.KIM: Winner! JO: But I missed. Mrs.KIM: Everybody's a winner. (give Jo his price and as he walks away as Zach comes up to the booth) ZACH: Mrs.Kim, I need a word with you. Mrs.KIM: I'm busy. ZACH: You just couldn't wait to put her on the market again, could you? Mrs.KIM: What are you talking about? ZACH: Who else? Lane! We only broke up a few weeks ago. What? You got her engaged already? Mrs.KIM: Engaged to who? ZACH: To who? (points at Lane and Joe who are talking and laughing) The Korean Brad Pitt guy there with the Italian loafers and super white teeth. He's hanging all over her. Mrs.KIM: You mean her uncle? ZACH: What? Mrs.KIM: Joe. He's her uncle. ZACH: That can't be her uncle. Uncles are old. Mrs.KIM: My mother had me, waited long time, then had him. Joe is my brother. ZACH: Whoa, OK. Oops. Mrs.KIM: Yes, "oops". ZACH: But just to be clear here, she's not hot on her uncle? (at Mrs.Kim's stern look) She's not. Got it. Well...sorry. (starts to leave) Mrs.KIM: Wait! You accuse me of something? We settle this now. (walks out for behind the booth and up to Zach) ZACH: All right. Mrs.KIM: I am not going to get in your way. ZACH: OK. (Mrs.Kim nods and walks away from him. He looks after her a bit stunned and then walks away too) (CUT to Lorelai's booth. It's Lane's turn) LORELAI: Ready? LANE: Ready. LORELAI: Spin the wheel. (she spins the wheel, and Paul Anka at some point stops it. RORY: The Swami has chosen! (Lorelai takes the note that the swami has chosen) LORELAI: Ready? LANE: This is exciting. LORELAI: (reads) "You will sing songs of gemstones". LANE: Of gemstones! RORY: How do you sing songs of gemstones? LORELAI: Ah, I was a little tired when I wrote this one. Sorry. You want to pick another one? Swami do-overs are allowed. LANE: (takes her fortune) No, I'll stick with this one. It's got an air of mystery. (Rory notices Luke walking up to them) RORY: Hey, Luke, want Swami Doggy to read your fortune? LUKE: Uh, maybe some other time. (at Lorelai) Hey. LORELAI: Hey. LUKE: Can we walk a little bit? LORELAI: Yeah. (they walk off) (CUT to Luke and Lorelai walking through the fair) LUKE: I've got to apologize again. I should've told you immediately. I was just so confused. It's no excuse, but that's the excuse. LORELAI: I know. I get it. Nothing can prepare you for this one. LUKE: Yeah. I just didn't know how to tell you. I'm bad with things. LORELAI: No, Luke. Listen, it's weird, you know, but we can make it work. I mean, she's there. April is there. Luckily you're with a woman who's raised a daughter and knows some of the ins and outs. I can help. LUKE: I know you can. I guess it's just...Uh, it's just all so much right now. I've been dizzy for weeks. LORELAI: Yeah, I know. LUKE: Yeah, it's... LORELAI: I felt like something was up. LUKE: All too much, you know? LORELAI: Well, what all? Everything or...? LUKE: Well, I've got a kid. She's here. You know, June 3rd. LORELAI: What about June 3rd? LUKE: It's just so soon. LORELAI: It's still months away. LUKE: Well, it feels close. It's everything, you know? It's all piling up. It's all happening so fast. LORELAI: Well, if it's all happening too fast, you know, we can just postpone. LUKE: Postpone the wedding? LORELAI: Yeah, I mean, it's not set in stone. It just happened to work out for a date that soon. I don't want you going into this all jumbled up, you know? LUKE: And that would be okay with you? LORELAI: Sure. LUKE: Well, that'll help. Yeah, that'll really help. That'll give me time to resolve this other thing, and everything will be better later on. LORELAI: Well...great, then it's a done deal. (they kiss) Think it might be a health-code violation, kissing this close to the cotton candy booth. LUKE: Meet me back at my place later? LORELAI: Yeah, see you there. (they peck on the lips and Luke walks away. Lorelai looks on sadly after him)	Plan: A: Taylor; Q: Who realizes the Winter Carnival can be a success without him? A: Paris; Q: Who learns the "Yale Daily News" staff loathes and fears her? A: Lorelai; Q: Who finds out that Luke has a daughter? A: Rory; Q: Who is overwhelmed by the gifts Logan is sending in an effort to be forgiven? Summary: Taylor realizes the Winter Carnival can be a success without him. Paris learns the "Yale Daily News" staff loathes and fears her. Lorelai finds out Luke has a daughter, but not from Luke himself. Rory is overwhelmed with all the gifts Logan is sending in an effort to be forgiven.
•I do not own the characters or situations of BTVS, and I claim no credit for the content of this episode. I have merely transcribed what appeared on my screen, with help from the closed captions. •I prefer that you link to this transcript on the Psyche site rather than post it on your site, but you can post it on your site if you want, as long as you keep my name and email address on it. Please also keep my disclaimers intact. •You can use my transcripts in your fanfiction stories; you don't have to ask my permission. (However, if you use large portions of episode dialogue in your fanfic, I recommend you give credit to the person who wrote the episode.) •I apologize in advance for my lame transcription of the fight scenes. I don't know the names of different punches and kicks. Use your imagination. [SCENE_BREAK] Teaser GILES VOICEOVER: Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer... Spike and Buffy kissing. SPIKE VOICEOVER: Buffy, I love you. Spike sitting up in bed looking horrified. Willow arranging stones on the floor in a square. WILLOW: We conjure the goddess Thespia to help us locate demonic energy. TARA: Are you sure we're ready for that? Willow pouring herbs into Tara's hand. Willow blowing herbs off her own hand. Tara hiding her herbs under the bed and pretending to blow them away. Willow looking confused. WILLOW: Or not. Glory talking to a monk tied to a chair. GLORY: Tell me ... where ... the key is. Monk talking to Buffy. MONK: The key is energy. It's a portal. My brethren sent it to you. BUFFY: Dawn. She's not my sister? MONK: She doesn't know that. Buffy brushing hair back from Dawn's face. WILLOW VOICEOVER: Tell me a story. TARA VOICEOVER: Okay. Once upon a time, there was, um ... a kitty. She was very little, and she was all alone, and nobody wanted her. WILLOW VOICEOVER: This is a very upsetting story. TARA VOICEOVER: Oh, oh, but it gets better. The kitten runs offscreen. Cut to a shot of her trying to crawl under a bed. TARA VOICEOVER: 'Cause one day the kitty was running around in the street and a man came, and swooped her up... A pair of hands comes into the shot and swoops up the kitten. TARA: And took her to the pound. We see Tara sitting on the end of Willow's bed lifting the kitten into her lap. Willow is in the bed, under the covers. TARA: And at the pound there were lots of other kitties, and there were puppies, and some ferrets... WILLOW: (smiling) Were there dolphins? TARA: (handing kitten to Willow) Yes. Many dolphins at the pound. WILLOW: Or was there a camel? TARA: (thinks) There was the front of a camel. A half camel. (Smiles) WILLOW: (cuddling kitten) Did the kitty get chosen by some nice people? TARA: Well, now you ruined the ending. WILLOW: Mmm... (lets go of the kitten and it runs off) I'm sleepy. TARA: Do you mind if I keep the light on? I was gonna look up some spells. WILLOW: It's fine. (pouts) I don't need to be snuggled. (smiles) TARA: (smiles back) Vixen! Tara takes some books that are on the bed and piles them up on the floor. WILLOW: You've been spell gal night and day lately. TARA: Well, I just wanna keep up with you, and I'm ... well, I just like to be useful. You know, to the gang? (Willow looks concerned) I just ... never ... feel useful. WILLOW: You are. You're essential. Tara smiles. She comes over and gets under the covers with Willow, turning off the light. TARA: Do you think Buffy found out anything tonight? WILLOW: At the factory? I don't know. If there was something, I figured she'd call us. Tara lies down, putting her head on Willow's shoulder, and they snuggle up together. Cut to Joyce's house, night. Giles and Buffy sit in the living room. They talk quietly. GILES: Uh, I don't know what to say. BUFFY: Tell me about it. (looks toward the stairs) GILES: She has no idea? BUFFY: No. She thinks she's my kid sister. GILES: Are you going to tell her? BUFFY: How can I? (sighs, gets up) She'd freak, and that's the last thing we need. She walks to the doorway and looks up the stairs. BUFFY: (sighs) We have to keep her safe. She turns and walks back into the living room. GILES: This ... woman, this, uh, whatever she was... she knows you now. (Buffy sits) Should we be thinking about ... sending Dawn away? BUFFY: Away where? GILES: I don't know, uh ... your father's? BUFFY: (scoffs) Yeah, he's, um ... in Spain, with his secretary. Living the cliche. (Giles looks sympathetic.) I called him when Mom got sick, he hasn't even... GILES: I'm sorry. Beat. BUFFY: When he bailed on us ... I remember, Dawn cried for a week. Except she didn't. She wasn't there, but ... I can still feel what it was like. Giles puts his hand over his mouth and frowns. BUFFY: They sent her to me, Giles. I think ... I have to take care of her. I want to. GILES: Do we tell the others? BUFFY: No. No one. They-they'd act weird around her, and it's, it's safer for everyone if they don't know. GILES: Yes. (Stands, begins to pace) We have to find out who this woman is, and what she needs Dawn for. Buffy ponders this. GILES: I mean, if she comes after you- BUFFY: She'll come. (Looks toward the stairs) She'll come for us. Cut to a pile of rubble that suddenly explodes upward as Glory throws it off of her. She rises in the middle of the destroyed building, still wearing her red dress. She looks around angrily. GLORY: Okay. Now I'm upset. Wolf howl. Opening credits. Guest starring Mercedes McNab, Clare Kramer, Charlie Weber, Amy Adams, Steve Rankin, and Amber Benson as Tara. Written and directed by Joss Whedon. [SCENE_BREAK] Act I [SCENE_BREAK] Exterior shot of UC Sunnydale, day. Cut to inside dorm. Buffy is stacking some boxes in the hallway. Xander and Riley are carrying a mini-fridge out of a dorm room. Xander bumps his hand on the door frame. XANDER: Ow! Thumb! Necessary opposable thumb! RILEY: Sorry. Crybaby. BUFFY: You know what, you guys, just leave it here. RILEY: Got it. He and Xander put down the fridge. Dawn emerges from another door, carrying a stack of boxes that obscure her vision. DAWN: I don't need help. BUFFY: Just be careful. Buffy turns and enters through the door Dawn just exited. We see Willow, Anya, and Giles in a dorm room, surrounded by boxes. ANYA: But we just helped her move the stuff in a few days ago... (turns and sees Buffy) ...and it was fun! GILES: (reading a book) People help each other out, Anya. It's one of our strange customs. BUFFY: Giles, I noticed you're doing the smallest amount of helping that can actually be called helping. GILES: Well, I saw myself in more of a ... patriarchal sort of role. You know, lots of pointing and scowling. (Smiles. Looks to his left, points and scowls.) You two, stop that! Shot of Xander and Riley grappling, bent over at the waist. Xander has Riley in a headlock. RILEY: He started it. XANDER: He called me a bad name. (Tara looks at them and grins) I think it was bad. It might've been Latin. GILES: Stop it, or you're going to break something. BUFFY: Or I'm going to break something. The guys suddenly let each other go and straighten up. We see Willow and Tara folding clothes, smiling at each other. XANDER: Still can't believe you're giving up this cherry corner suite. ANYA: (re-entering from hallway) Just a few days after we moved you in! BUFFY: (shrugs, tries to look casual) It's no big. (Giles looks up from his book) You know, with Mom not being well, I'm hardly ever here. (Picks up a pile of clothes to put in a box) Just figured I'd ... save a little cash for this semester, that's all. WILLOW: I think that's smart. XANDER: Still, it's hard to give up. You've got the two entrances (pointing to the two doors to the room) lot of opportunity for bawdy French farce, and everybody loves bawdy- BUFFY: Where's Dawn? RILEY: I think she just walked out. (Points out one of the doors) BUFFY: (hurrying forward) Dawn! Dawn re-enters and breezes past Buffy. DAWN: Some of your CDs are my CDs. BUFFY: I know. Come help me fold. Tara smiles at them. Everyone returns to packing and carrying (and reading in Giles' case). Willow takes a suitcase and leaves the room. Buffy bends over to fold something and grabs her lower back with a sigh. RILEY: Starting to feel that fight? Buffy and Dawn fold a sheet. BUFFY: Nothing like gettin' your ass kicked to ... make your ass hurt. DAWN: You'll totally take her next time. XANDER: 'Cause you'll have backup, baby. She's messin' with all of us. GILES: Yes, uh, we'll, we'll, uh, find her weaknesses, and then, uh- TARA: Yeah. You learn her source, (grins) and, uh, we'll introduce her to her insect reflection. Everyone looks at her in confusion. Tara stops smiling. TARA: Um ... that, that was funny if you, um, studied Taglarin mythic rites... (softly) and are a complete dork. RILEY: Oh, then how come Xander didn't laugh? (Tara takes a box and exits) XANDER: (not realizing he's been insulted) I don't know that Taglarin stuff. RILEY: Oh. Cut to Tara walking out into the hall, shaking her head. Willow approaches. WILLOW: Hey. You wanna start taking stuff down to the car? TARA: (nods) Yeah. WILLOW: Okay. Willow goes back into the dorm room. Tara walks off with her box. TARA: (whispering to herself) Stupid... Cut to Willow re-entering the dorm room. WILLOW: Okay. Guys, now remember, you have to be at the Bronze by eight. Everyone looks blank. BUFFY: Bronze. WILLOW: Tomorrow night! Tara's birthday! BUFFY: Right! Right. ANYA: (to Xander) We have to bring presents, right? Birth is a present thing? XANDER: I got something ... picked out, yeah. WILLOW: (anxious) You-you guys can all still come, right? I mean, I know there's ... this new evil and all, but... BUFFY: No, no. We'll be there. I could definitely use a break from all this craziness. Cut to a woman in a hospital gown, being wheeled on a gurney through a hospital hallway. Hospital noises. Camera pulls back and we see a male intern pulling the gurney. Ben approaches. BEN: What's the story? INTERN: Another crazy. Got her family out there. (nods toward waiting room) BEN: OK, let me guess, no history of mental problems. INTERN: Yeah. That makes like five this month. BEN: Ah, they told me Sunnydale was gonna be interesting. INTERN: (chuckles) Yeah. Aren't you off? BEN: (looks at watch) Yeah, as of now. Have fun. He turns and walks off. Cut to hospital locker room. Ben enters, walks past two rows of lockers, opens a locker, begins taking his clothes off and putting them in the locker. Pan back across the two rows of lockers. A Lei-Ach demon comes into view. It has gray skin broken by red bloody-looking sores, and dark sunken eyes. It opens its mouth and puts out a thick, black, forked tongue. Its nose twitches as it walks forward, putting out its tongue again with a hissing noise. Glory comes into the shot, putting one hand over the demon's mouth, the other hand on the back of its head. GLORY: I need a favor. She pushes the demon backward out of the shot. Cut to the magic shop. Anya hands a paper bag to a customer. ANYA: (smiling) Thank you for coming. We value your patronage. (Yelling after the departing customer) Please come again for more purchases! Giles comes into the shot and puts a box on the counter. GILES: Could we please be a little less effusive, Anya? Don't want to frighten the people. ANYA: I'm just so excited. They come in, I help them ... they give us money in exchange for goods ... you give me money for working for you ... I have a place in the world now. I'm part of the system. (smiles widely) I'm a working gal. GILES: (smiles) Yes. Well, why don't you start organizing the shipping orders. (Takes the box and starts to walk off) ANYA: Oh, no, that's boring. I just want to do the money parts. Buffy and Xander enter. BUFFY: Well, sure I forgot about the party. I mean, there's kind of a lot going on. And it's not ... you know ... the most thrilling social event of the season. XANDER: (nods) Yeah ... it's a big deal for Willow, though. I mean, you are gonna be there? BUFFY: Yeah. (shrugs) Barring monsters. ANYA: Hey, hi. (Leans over the counter toward Xander) XANDER: Gimme sugar. I've come to buy sugar. He puts his hands on Anya's face and they kiss. ANYA: Mmm. We value your patronage. BUFFY: (to Giles) So, any breakthroughs on the identity of Miss Congeniality? GILES: Well, I have narrowed it down somewhat. He looks down at a table. The camera pans out so we can see the large assortment of books spread out on the table. BUFFY: Your definition of narrow is impressively wide. GILES: Well, you didn't give me much to go on. She-she looks human, so the mug shots aren't any use, and, uh, you can't be more specific about what she's like? BUFFY: (ponders) She was kinda like Cordelia, actually. (Giles nods thoughtfully) I'm pretty sure she dyes her hair. GILES: Right! That one, of course. Our work is done. BUFFY: There must be something on her. (sits at table as Xander approaches) XANDER: (melodramatically) The answer is somewhere here. (stares at the book-covered table) It's right in front of us and we're too blind to see it! (Slams his hand down on the table) Buffy gives him an exasperated look. Giles rolls his eyes. XANDER: I'm helping, I'm reading, (sits, whispers) I'm quiet. Giles takes a box and begins climbing some stairs to the loft. Buffy and Xander sit at the table looking at books. BUFFY: So ... what'd you get her? XANDER: Huh? BUFFY: Tara. You said you got a present already. XANDER: Yeah, that was a tangled web of lies, sweetie. I'm not really sure what kind of thing she'd ... I mean, I don't really know her that well. BUFFY: (nods) I know. XANDER: (quickly) I mean, she's nice. BUFFY: (quickly) Yeah! Yeah, nice ... nice. I-it's just, I-I sort of... XANDER: I don't necessarily get her ... but she's really nice. BUFFY: Yeah. There's ... just that thing. XANDER: (agreeing) That thing. BUFFY: That ... thing of not understanding- XANDER: Half of what she says? BUFFY: As for example. But she's super nice. XANDER: You betcha. They continue looking at books. BUFFY: Think there'll be a lot of Wiccas there, heavy Wiccan crowd? XANDER: Well, that's sort of her deal. Her and Willow are all Wiccie. Swingin' with the Wiccan lifestyle. BUFFY: Which is cool. XANDER: Well, yeah. BUFFY: I just hope we fit in, not awkward. XANDER: With Willow it's like, she's got this ... whole new thing in her life. But she's still Willow, so I can always figure her out. But Tara, I just know she likes Willow, and she already has one of those. Buffy groans and slams a book shut. BUFFY: Ugh! I have a present-buying headache. Tara's damn birthday is just one too many things for me to worry about. XANDER: Relax. You should take a few minutes. (jerks his thumb toward the training room in the back) Train or stretch out. You should do something to ... work off the tension. Cut to Buffy punching Spike in the face. Then she kicks him. We see they're in his crypt. Spike kicks Buffy in the stomach, then punches her in the face, once, twice, thrice. On the fourth swing Buffy grabs his arm and punches him with her other hand. She lands a roundhouse and then an uppercut. She kicks Spike in the stomach and then does a backflip, kicking him in the jaw. Spike spins, tries a circle kick but Buffy ducks it. She blocks a punch, then he grabs her by the throat from behind, holding one of her hands. She kicks him in the face over her shoulder, twists out of his grip and throws him. He lands sitting on his armchair and it slides backward until it hits the wall. Buffy leaps up to stand on the two arms of the armchair, punches Spike in the face four times. He pushes her legs apart and she falls onto his lap. Spike grabs her butt and Buffy wraps her legs around his neck as he stands up. Then she flings herself backward, landing with her hands on the floor, and uses her legs to flip Spike over by the neck. She lands on top of him. Spike throws her off and she slides against a wall. Spike stands up. Buffy crouches, panting. SPIKE: You want me, Slayer, come and get me. BUFFY: Oh, I'm coming. I'm coming right- (lunges up toward him) Cut to Spike and Harmony in bed. HARMONY: -now! Spike is on top of Harmony, covered by a blanket, both of them naked and panting. Harmony caresses Spike's face. HARMONY: What are you thinking? SPIKE: All about you, baby. HARMONY: Aww. (Pulls Spike's head down to her shoulder) You're my little lamb. Cut back to the magic shop. Giles comes back down from the loft. GILES: Come up with anything yet? XANDER: Well, candles, maybe, or bath oils of some kind. BUFFY: I saw a really cute sweater at Bloomy's ... but, I think I want me to have it. GILES: And you are talking about what on earth? BUFFY: Tara's birthday. We're at a loss. GILES: You're in a magic shop, and you can't think what Tara would like. I believe you're both profoundly stupid. XANDER: Well, we don't really know ... the kind of things witches like. What, are we gonna get her some cheesy crystal ball? GILES: Bloody well better not. I've got mine already wrapped. A youngish guy with blond hair and a beard (Donny) is looking at the shelves. Now he turns and looks at the books on the table in front of Buffy and Xander. DONNY: Uh, are all these magic books? GILES: Uh, private collection. Uh, books for sale are against the walls over there. (gestures with his coffee cup, then walks toward the counter) Donny continues looking through books on the table. DONNY: So all these books got spells in 'em? Turn people into frogs, things like that? Everyone looks dubiously at him. We see Anya behind the cash register. XANDER: Yeah, we're building a race of frog people. It's a good time. Donny grins. DONNY: So, uh... (gestures at them) You all witches? Hey, don't do a spell on me now. (Laughs) GILES: Was there something in particular you were looking for? Donny continues chuckling. The door opens and Willow and Tara enter, laughing. WILLOW: Her insect reflection. That is so good. TARA: I just thought that'd be funny, you know, if her center of power was- DONNY: Whatta you know. Tara sees him and stops laughing, looks alarmed. DONNY: What's the matter? You don't have a hug for your big brother? Willow looks surprised. Tara looks upset. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act II [SCENE_BREAK] Fade in on the same scene. Tara still looks upset. Willow looks at her. WILLOW: Brother? Shot of Buffy and Xander still sitting at the table, watching. TARA: Willow, this is (stutters) Donny. Willow walks forward. Tara follows, looking uncomfortable. WILLOW: Hi. DONNY: (shakes Willow's hand, smiling) Nice to meet you. TARA: And, uh, these are my-my friends. Donny looks back at the others, who nod and wave. DONNY: What, uh, all of you hang out? Wow. That's more people than you met in high school. (Gives Tara a friendly punch on the arm) TARA: How did you fi - I, I mean, how come you came? DONNY: Well, duh, birthday girl. Uh, we came down in the camper, been all over the campus. TARA: We? Tara and Willow turn as the door opens and a man walks in (Mr. Maclay), followed by a girl about Tara's age (Cousin Beth). DONNY: Look what I found! (gesturing at Tara) TARA: Uh, Dad, hi. (walks forward. Willow watches) MR. MACLAY: Well, here's my girl. Tara hugs her dad awkwardly. We see Giles walking forward, as the others watch the reunion scene. TARA: S-such a s-surprise. DONNY: Yes. TARA: Cousin Beth. BETH: Hey. MR. MACLAY: One of your dorm-mates said I might ... find you here. (looking around) TARA: Oh. Oh, um, (turning toward the others) these are, these are friends. Um, this is Mr. Giles, um, he runs the shop. Shot of Willow smiling. GILES VOICEOVER: How do you do? MR. MACLAY: Pleasure. Well, I, I don't mean to interrupt your plans, I know we've come on you kind of suddenly, but I thought we could have dinner. TARA: Okay. MR. MACLAY: Why don't I pick you up at six, And we'll ... (glances at the others) do some catching up. TARA: Yes, sir. MR. MACLAY: (to the others) Forgive me for running out. We're double-parked. Giles gestures with his coffee cup like "that's okay". Mr. Maclay, Cousin Beth, and Donny leave. Tara watches anxiously. DONNY: (waving from doorway) Nice to meet you all. Willow waves and smiles back. Tara walks farther into the shop, toward Willow. WILLOW: That's so weird. Your ... whole family. TARA: (smiles nervously) Yeah. Shot of Buffy and Xander exchanging a look. WILLOW: (OS) They seem nice. TARA: You know, they-they're okay. Families are always- WILLOW: (understandingly) They make you crazy. TARA: Usually. Wanna get into research mode? WILLOW: Sure. They move off. Cut to: interior foyer of Joyce's house, day. Buffy enters through the front door, tossing her keys onto a table. BUFFY: (calling) Honey, I'm home. RILEY: (coming down the stairs) Did you have a good day at work? BUFFY: It's a rat race. They kiss. RILEY: I squared away the rest of your stuff. Wouldn't even know you ever left. BUFFY: Oh, you're a god. You're like the ... god of boyfriends. RILEY: Nah, I just like it when you owe me favors. BUFFY: Well, this earns you a big favor. There could be outfits. RILEY: Ooh. Be still my heart. They kiss again. Dawn emerges from the other room, carrying a bag. DAWN: See ya later. BUFFY: Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, where do you think you're going? DAWN: I'm going to Melinda's for dinner. BUFFY: Since when? DAWN: Now-ish. BUFFY: You can't. I-it's not safe for you to walk there. DAWN: It's just across the street. What is the big deal, I'm just gonna go- BUFFY: No. It's family night. (glances at Riley) And besides, Melinda's a bad influence. I don't like you hanging out with someone that ... short. DAWN: (annoyed) I am so glad you're moving back into the house. This is the source of my gladness. She stalks off. Buffy sighs. BUFFY: She makes me crazy. (Walks past Riley into the living room) RILEY: That's ... kinda the word I was searching for. BUFFY: (sits on sofa) What? She shouldn't be going over there. RILEY: Yeah, a lot of young people nowadays are experimenting with shortness. Gotta nip that in the bud. BUFFY: She ... can't be running out whenever she'd like. RILEY: (walks forward) It's more than that. BUFFY: What do you mean? RILEY: (sits next to her, shakes his head) You tell me. BUFFY: We all have to be careful. This ... demon chick is ... exciting and new. I don't know what I'm up against. RILEY: If we're in trouble here I could contact Graham, maybe get the government boys on it- BUFFY: No! No, I-I-I don't want them anywhere near this. RILEY: (annoyed) Just a suggestion. BUFFY: Look, the fewer people that are involved, the safer I will feel. RILEY: Every time I think I'm getting close to you ... (shakes head) I gotta take off. (Gets up) BUFFY: (gets up to follow) Wait! What? RILEY: (walking toward front door) I'll call you later. BUFFY: Riley! (He stops walking) I want you to help. I'm not- RILEY: Yeah. Know you got a lot on your mind. You decide you wanna let me in on any of it, (opens door) let me know. I'll come running. He exits. Buffy looks troubled. Cut to exterior Sunnydale dorm, day. Cut to inside. Tara enters her room, stops when she sees her dad standing there. He has his arms folded, staring at her roomful of witchy stuff. MR. MACLAY: The door wasn't locked. I was a little early. (looks around) I suppose you ... wanted me to see all these ... (picks up a large crystal and examines it) toys. (puts crystal down) You don't even try to hide it any more. I'd hoped maybe you'd gotten over the whole witchcraft thing. That if we let you go, you'd ... get it out of your system. (puts hands in pockets) Then they told me to look for you in ... (disgusted) that store. TARA: I didn't - I, I didn't kn-know that you were coming. MR. MACLAY: Of course we came. We haven't heard from you in months. Your birthday's getting closer and closer. You know what that means. TARA: (upset) I don't think it's ... (stammers) it, it won't mean that- MR. MACLAY: You're turning twenty. (walks toward her) It's the same age your mother was when she... Do your friends even know? TARA: (softly) Y-yes. MR. MACLAY: Are you lying to me? (Tara looks down) Tara, you're coming home with us. You know it's the only way. TARA: Home? MR. MACLAY: You can't control what's going to happen. You have evil inside of you and it will come out. And letting yourself work all this magic is only going to make it worse. Where do you think that power comes from? TARA: It ... it doesn't feel evil ... sir. MR. MACLAY: Evil never does. (Tara looks down, upset) I don't feel much like eating right now. (Starts to walk past her) I'll give you some time, but we need to be gone by morning. (Walks to the door. We see him unfocused in the background; in foreground Tara looking sad) Your family loves you, Tara, no matter what. How do you think your friends are going to feel when they see your true face? Cut to the Lei-Ach demon asleep or unconscious. Something hits its face and it begins to wake. The camera pulls back slowly and we see that the demon is standing, chained to a clothes-rack, surrounded by fur coats. Its nose twitches. A shoe flies into the shot and hits the demon in the face, and it growls. GLORY: (OS) Finally. I thought you were gonna nap the whole day away. (Demon growls and struggles) Stop whining. We see that they're in a large walk-in closet with clothes racks on all four walls. Glory stands in the middle of the room, now wearing a shiny green (leather?) dress. She has her previous red dress on a hanger, which she now hangs up. GLORY: You know, I remember when the Lei-Ach were a proud warrior race, not sneaking around hospitals looking for weak sickly types to suck the bone marrow from. (Demon growls and struggles) But ... let's talk about my problems for thirty seconds, if that's perfectly all right with you. She walks toward the demon and we see a vanity table against one wall. Glory kneels on the chair, leans her hands on the table and talks to her reflection in the mirror. GLORY: Blonde ... short ... strong for a human ... (turns back around, sits on chair, speaks angrily to demon) and massively rude! Broke my shoe, took my monk, do you have any idea who I'm talking about? The demon growls and grunts. GLORY: A slayer? Oh god, please don't tell me I was fighting a vampire slayer! (Puts one hand to her forehead) How unbelievably common! If I had friends, and they heard about this ... (Shot of the demon looking like it's going to fall asleep again) and you know she's going around telling everybody, I mean she probably just- (leaps up and grabs the demon by the throat) Pay attention! I am great and I am beautiful, and when I walk into a room all eyes turn to me, because my name is a holy name, and you will listen! (Removes her hand from demon's throat, strokes his hair with both hands) Get your friends ... find the girl ... kill the girl ... okay baby? (Demon nods. She smiles and looks closer at it) You have the cutest little suppurating sores! Has anyone ever told you that? Cut to: some sort of irregularly shaped crystal ball. Camera pulls out and we see Tara sitting in her room, staring sadly at the crystal. Behind her the door opens and Willow enters. Tara doesn't turn. WILLOW: Hey. TARA: (turning) Hey. WILLOW: Was dinner fun? Tara stands, nodding. WILLOW: Well, there's Scoobyage afoot. Giles called a meeting about our spankin' new menace. TARA: Oh ... y-you should go, they don't need me for that. You can fill me in. WILLOW: (walks toward her) No, no, you have to come. This demon chick is supposed to be really powerful, and I was thinking. Maybe we could try that, that spell, you know, the one to find demons? TARA: That didn't work. WILLOW: Yeah ... but we only tried it once, and I-I think I got some ingredients wrong. TARA: Well, I-I'm tired. Maybe we can do it tomorrow? WILLOW: You sure you don't wanna- TARA: Look, my family's here, okay, I can't just- (pauses) Not everything is about your friends and stuff. WILLOW: (makes a face) Sorry. (Backs away from Tara, starts walking to the door) TARA: No! No, I mean... (Willow turns back) There's just so much ... going on. It's just ... I'm, I'm really tired. WILLOW: (nods) Okay. TARA: I'll see you in the morning. You can fill me in. WILLOW: Great. We'll be demon hunters. (Leaves) Tara turns, hunts through some books, picks one up and leafs through it, frowning. She finds what she's looking for and looks up with a calculating expression. Cut to magic shop. Buffy, Anya and Xander sitting around the table. We see Dawn in the background looking at a bookshelf. Willow enters. WILLOW: Hey. Am I late? Did I miss any exposition? GILES: (enters the shot from the right) No, no, no, no, nothing earth-shattering to relate. (leans his hands on the back of a chair as Willow sits) I just have a few thoughts, and, uh, wanted to make sure that we were all on the same page. DAWN: Can I buy one of these? BUFFY: (OS) No. DAWN: With my own money? BUFFY: (OS) I let you come, now sit down and look studious. Dawn looks annoyed, walks toward the table and out of the shot. The camera pans past the bookshelves and around a corner. GILES: (OS) Well, first of all, I want to talk to you about ... safety. Um, this creature could be- We see Tara hiding around the corner, listening. BUFFY: (OS, fading) Will be. GILES: (OS, fading) Will be coming after Buffy, and possibly all of us. TARA: (whispering) Blind Cadria, desolate queen, work my will upon them all. Your curse upon them, my obeisance to you. She holds up her hand and blows on it. Red dust (?) flows out of her hand. Cut back to the other room, where Giles is sitting down with the others around the table. We see the tendril of red floating into the room from Tara's hiding place, toward the table. GILES: Now, I may have a lead on this monk that Buffy spoke of. There, there are a few orders that I-I've read up on- The red dust turns yellow and floats into the middle of the table, then sends out shoots, one for each Willow, Buffy, Dawn, Giles, Anya and Xander. It hits them in the eyes and they all simultaneously flinch back. A pause, then Giles continues, looking confused. GILES: I-I'm sorry, where was I? BUFFY: The monk. GILES: Yes, um, I'd like us all to start looking at these orders, I-it's possible whichever one this monk belonged to was wiped out entirely... His voice fades out. We see Tara retreating backward, watching them. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act III [SCENE_BREAK] Fade in on interior of Willy's Bar. Pan across various people and demons drinking at tables. Pan over to the bar. The bartender (not Willy) paces behind it. BARTENDER: You shouldn't be coming in here. (Turns and takes a glass from a shelf) You got a rep with these monsters. (Puts glass on the bar, shakes head) But you come in here... (turns and gets a bottle) night after night. (Pours into the glass, looks up at the customer) Are you lookin' to get killed? Shot of Riley sitting on a bar stool, watching the bartender pour. RILEY: I come for the ambiance. (picks up glass, looks around) What can I say? This place just reeks of class. (Drinks the shot) BARTENDER: Yeah, well, if Willy was here- RILEY: Well, Willy's not here. (puts glass down) Hit me. Bartender scowls and pours. FEMALE VOICE: Drinking alone? A woman with long dark hair and a low-cut blouse (Sandy) walks up next to Riley. SANDY: It's not a good sign. (Sits on the stool next to him) RILEY: So they tell me. (looks at her) I buy you a drink, neither one of us has that problem any more, now do we? (Sips his drink) SANDY: Vodka tonic. RILEY: (to bartender) Vodka tonic. Bartender puts a napkin in front of Sandy and walks off. SANDY: (to Riley) I'm Sandy. RILEY: Riley. We hear the bartender pouring Sandy's drink. SANDY: This place is such a dive. RILEY: No no, it's great. You just have to close your eyes, (Sandy chuckles) plug up your nostrils, it's fine. SANDY: We ... could go somewhere else. Someplace more ... private. RILEY: (sighs, stares off into the distance) Ohhhh, Sandy, Sandy. It's no good. My heart belongs to another. Besides, (looks at her again) I don't go out with vampires. Sandy narrows her eyes in annoyance and uses her straw to stab at the ice in her drink. RILEY: (to bartender) Never interested in my intellect. Cut to interior of Spike's crypt. Spike sits in his armchair holding his mannequin head with the long blonde wig, caressing its cheek. The door opens and he quickly hides the head under his chair as Harmony enters, carrying several shopping bags. HARMONY: Hi baby! SPIKE: (bored) Hello, sweetbreads. Have fun? HARMONY: Uhh, it was so exciting. You wouldn't believe it. I went to April Fool's, and absolutely everything was on sale. SPIKE: You paid for it? HARMONY: (unpacking bags) Oh, no. I just killed the clerk. Still, a bargain's a bargain. (Spike frowns and shakes his head) Oh, I ran into Carol Beets. You know. She sired Brandon, Brandon from the sewer gang ... and she said, the Lei-Ach demon... (happily) was recruiting his brethren to kill the slayer! SPIKE: (suddenly paying attention) How's that? HARMONY: Apparently, he got recruited by some big nether-wig and now he's on a mission. (Spike looks thoughtful) You think they might actually do it? Kill her? SPIKE: (pondering) God, that would be ... pleasant. HARMONY: Well, if they do, I think we should do something. (Spike jumps up) Like a gift basket or something. (Spike grabs his jacket) Where are you going? SPIKE: To get a decent seat. (puts on jacket) If the slayer's gonna die ... I'm gonna watch. (Exits) Cut to Tara walking across campus. It's dark. She looks over her shoulder several times. Then she sees Cousin Beth approaching. Beth looks surprised and pleased. BETH: Tara. TARA: Beth, what are you- BETH: I-I was looking for you. TARA: I'm sorry we didn't get to have dinner. BETH: I just ... wanted to see if everything was okay. (Tara smiles) See if you needed any help with anything. Packing. TARA: (stops smiling) Beth, I'm not, I'm n-not (stutters) coming back with you. BETH: You're not? TARA: I-I don't think so. BETH: You ... selfish bitch! TARA: What?! BETH: You don't care the slightest bitty bit about your family, do you? Your dad's been worried sick about you every day since you've been gone. There's a, a house that needs taking care of ... Donny and your dad having to do for themselves while you're down here living god knows what kind of lifestyle. (Tara looks upset) I can't wait till your little friends find out the truth about you. And they will, you know. No matter how innocent you act, they'll see. TARA: (firmly) No they won't. BETH: They will. Unless you ... do some kind of spell on them ... (sees Tara's face) You did! TARA: N-no! BETH: You did something to them. I'm telling your father. She starts to turn away. Tara grabs her arm. TARA: No! No, it wasn't anything! BETH: You think you can just go around cursing people? Your dad's gonna pop. TARA: It was just so they wouldn't see. So-so-so they wouldn't see the demon part of me. (teary) Please don't tell Dad. It's harmless. Cut to Buffy in her workout room, doing some stretches on the floor. Cut to Willow in the magic shop, taking a book off a shelf. There's a knock on the door. WILLOW: Tara? Willow goes to the door and opens it. We see three Lei-Ach demons standing there, snarling. Willow doesn't see them. She looks around the doorway in confusion, then closes the door and turns away. WILLOW: (to herself) I thought I heard something. (Shrugs and walks off) Shot of the lead Lei-Ach demon grinning. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act IV [SCENE_BREAK] Fade in on UCS campus, still night. Tara sits on a bench while Cousin Beth scolds her. BETH: Don't you see how out of control you are? You've been lying to these people for a year, and now you've put a spell on them, is that right? (shakes head) Is that a human thing to do? Now I'm telling your father. If he doesn't force you to come home, and I think he should, I know he's going to tell your friends the truth. If I were you, I'd tell them first. And then I'd tell them good-bye. Cut to magic shop. Dawn is playing with a glass snow-ball, shaking it to make the snowflakes move. A Lei-Ach demon comes up right behind her, but she doesn't notice. Another demon walks across the foreground, toward the table, where Anya is stacking up some books. ANYA: Do I get paid overtime for this? (Gets up and walks right past the demon, not noticing it) GILES: (OS) Certainly not. (comes into the shot, walking past the demon as a second demon joins it) Dawn, would you close the door? We see Willow and Xander sitting at the table, studying books as the two demons walk past them, staring at them. DAWN: (OS) I didn't open it. The lead demon turns, sniffing, and extends its tongue as it moves off toward the back. Cut to Buffy in the workout room, punching a punching bag. She pauses to do some arm stretches. We see the demons walk in behind her. Slow eerie music. Buffy frowns and looks toward the door. Shot of the room from Buffy's POV: it's empty, no demons. Buffy turns back to the punching bag, doing some shoulder rolls, making a face as if she's sore. We see the lead demon coming up behind her. Suddenly Buffy whirls around and blocks as the demon tries to grab her. The music changes to fast fight-music. Buffy falls to the floor with the demon on top of her. We see a second demon standing beside them. BUFFY: Giles! Shot of Buffy with her hands in front of her, pushing at the demon, but we don't see the demon. Shot of Giles getting up from his desk as Buffy yells. BUFFY: (OS) Something's in here! Shot of Xander getting up as well. Xander rushes toward the back. The third demon stops him before he reaches the doorway, grabs him by the upper arms as he struggles. Shot of Willow getting up, staring in confusion. Shot of Xander struggling against what looks like empty air. Dawn runs up behind Giles. Xander flies backward as the demon throws him. He lands on his back on the floor, grabbing at his neck, trying to grab the demon's hands as it chokes him. Anya turns from the bookshelf and comes forward. Willow grabs a chair. Anya grabs something else from the counter (a crystal ball?). Willow uses the chair to whack at the area on top of Xander (we still don't see the demon). Xander sighs as the demon lets go of his neck. ANYA: Where'd it go? Willow looks around, suddenly goes flying backward. Giles pushes Dawn toward his desk. GILES: Under there, go. DAWN: Willow? (crawls under the desk) Cut back to Buffy still wrestling with the first demon. The workout room door opens and Spike enters, grinning. Buffy breaks out of the demon's grasp and shoves it backward, off of her. As she stands up, the second demon grabs her around the waist from behind. Spike stops grinning as the first demon gets up. Spike rolls his eyes in exasperation and hurries forward. He tackles the first demon and pulls it aside, landing on the floor on his back with the demon on top of him. Buffy punches the second demon over her shoulder, then flips it, grabs it and shoves it against the wall. It slumps down and is still. Shot of the workout room from Buffy's POV: it's empty. She rushes toward the door. Shot of Spike still on the floor with the demon in a stranglehold. SPIKE: You're welcome! The demon punches him in the face. Buffy enters the main shop area and runs forward. ANYA: Where'd it go?! (swinging her weapon around randomly) Shot of Giles suddenly reeling backward as the unseen demon punches him. Shot of Buffy looking around. Anya retreats behind the counter and lifts her weapon cautiously. XANDER: It's over there! GILES: How many are there? ANYA: I've already been injured once this month! BUFFY: Shut up! (Music stops. Silence as Buffy looks around.) The front door opens and Tara enters. She walks forward a few steps, looking anxious. TARA: Buffy, behind you! We see a demon standing immediately behind Buffy. She turns just as it grabs her and throws her onto the table. She rolls off the other side of the table onto the floor. Cut back to the workout room. The demon punches Spike in the face several times; he flies backward and hits the wall. He notices a rack full of weapons hanging on the wall and grabs one. It looks a bit like a scythe, only with a short handle. The demon rushes at Spike but he kicks it and it falls to the floor. Spike lifts the weapon and chops downward. Cut back to the shop as Buffy stands up. BUFFY: Tara, where is it? (looking around) Can you see it? TARA: Oh, god. Tara comes forward as the demon punches Buffy in the face. Punching noises continue as Tara rushes into the middle of the room and stops, looking down to concentrate. TARA: (panting) Blind Cadria, lift your veil. Give evil form... (The demon turns away from Buffy to glare at Tara) ...and break my spell. We see a light flash in Buffy's eyes and suddenly she can see the demon, which is rushing at Tara. It hits her in the face; she goes down. The demon turns back to Buffy. She punches it, then it grabs her arm and throws her to the floor. She rolls over several times. Tara's dad enters, followed by Donny and Beth. The demon stands over Tara, who is still lying on the floor. MR. MACLAY: Tara! The demon looks up, rushes toward Mr. Maclay. He falls backward onto the floor. Buffy, still on the floor, trips the demon and it falls on its stomach across the three steps up to the higher store level. Buffy flips up to her feet and puts one foot on the back of the demon's neck, gives it a shove. We hear the crack as the demon's neck breaks. Shot of Mr. Maclay sprawled on the floor staring. Shot of Dawn peeking out from under the desk. Giles gives her his hand and helps her up. MR. MACLAY: What in god's name is that? Spike enters from the back. SPIKE: Lei-ach demon. (Everyone looks at him) Fun little buggers. Big with the marrow-sucking. Mr. Maclay gets up. Shot of Tara sitting on the floor, looking guilty. MR. MACLAY: I don't understand. BUFFY: (arms folded, looking down at Tara) I'm not sure I do either. TARA: I'm sorry. I'm s-s-so sorry. (sniffling) I was, I was trying to hide. Willow comes forward and kneels by Tara. TARA: I didn't want you to see ... what I am. WILLOW: Tara, what? BUFFY: What do you mean, what you are? Tara tries to speak but can't. MR. MACLAY: (OS) Demon. The women in our family... (Everyone looks up at him) have demon in them. Her mother had it. That's where the magic comes from. Tara looks down, then looks up at Willow, who stares at her. MR. MACLAY: We came to take her home before... (sighs) well, before things like ... (points at the dead demon) this started happening. GILES: You cast a spell on us, to keep us from seeing your ... demon side. (to Buffy) That's why we couldn't see our attackers. Buffy looks behind her at Dawn. BUFFY: Nearly got us killed. TARA: I'll go. (scrambles to her feet. To Buffy) I'm very sorry. MR. MACLAY: The camper's outside. WILLOW: Wait! Go? (grabs Tara's elbow) I, she just did a spell that went wrong. It-it was just a mistake. MR. MACLAY: That's not the point and it's not your concern. She belongs with us. We know how to control her ... problem. Willow looks at Tara in distress. WILLOW: Tara ... look at me. (Tara does.) I, I trusted you more than anyone in my life. Was all that just a lie? TARA: (teary) No! WILLOW: Well, do you wanna leave? MR. MACLAY: It's not your decision, young lady. WILLOW: (sharply to him) I know that! (more softly, to Tara) Do you wanna leave? Tara shakes her head, crying. MR. MACLAY: You're going to do what's right, Tara. Now, I'm taking you out of here before somebody does get killed. (Tara wipes her face on her sleeve) The girl belongs with her family. I hope that's clear to the rest of you. Willow looks anxiously at Tara. BUFFY: (OS) It is. Shot of Buffy narrowing her eyes at Tara. BUFFY: You want her, Mr. Maclay? You can go ahead and take her. Shot of Tara looking sad, as if that's what she expected. Shot of Mr. Maclay nodding in satisfaction. Shot of Buffy whirling around to face Mr. Maclay, putting her hands on her hips. BUFFY: You just gotta go through me. Tara looks up in amazement as hope begins to grow. MR. MACLAY: (OS) What? BUFFY: (OS) You heard me. Shot of Buffy staring him down, looking very tough. BUFFY: You wanna take Tara out of here against her will? You gotta come through me. DAWN: And me! Tara smiles. Dawn walks up to stand beside Buffy. They both give Mr. Maclay the same steely glare. MR. MACLAY: Is this a joke? (steps down one of the stairs) I'm not gonna be threatened by two little girls. DAWN: You don't wanna mess with us. BUFFY: She's a hair-puller. Giles walks up behind them. GILES: And ... (puts on his glasses) you're not just dealing with, uh, two little girls. Tara smiles even more. XANDER: You're dealing with all of us. SPIKE: 'Cept me. XANDER: 'Cept Spike. SPIKE: I don't care what happens. MR. MACLAY: This is insane. You people have no right to interfere with Tara's affairs. We ... are her blood kin! Who the hell are you? Shot of Giles, Dawn, Buffy, Willow, Tara, Xander, and Anya all standing together in a group, with Spike in the background. BUFFY: We're family. Tara smiles through tears. She looks at Willow, who smiles back. Mr. Maclay looks angry. DONNY: Daaad. You -- you gonna let 'em just... (stomps forward) Tara, if you don't get in that car, I swear by god I will beat you down. XANDER: And I swear by your full and manly beard, you're gonna break something trying. (Donny looks cowed) BETH: Well. I hope you'll all be happy hanging out with a disgusting demon. The same shot of the whole Scooby gang spread out in a row. Anya, farthest back, raises her hand. ANYA: E-excuse me. What kind? BETH: What? ANYA: What kind of demon is she? There's a lot of different kinds. Some are very, very evil. And some have been considered to be useful members of society. (Smiles proudly. Xander turns to smile back at her.) BETH: Well, I-I ... what does it matter? MR. MACLAY: Evil is evil. ANYA: Well, let's just narrow it down. (Xander nods) SPIKE: Ohhh. (looks around) Why don't I make this simple. Spike walks forward and taps Tara on the shoulder. When she turns, he punches her in the face. Both Tara and Spike reel backwards in pain. Tara grabs her nose, Spike his head. SPIKE: Oww! WILLOW: (angry) Hey! (suddenly realizing) Hey... TARA: (both hands over her face) He hit my nose! WILLOW: And it hurt! Uh, him, I mean. Tara looks at her in surprise. BUFFY: (to Mr. Maclay) And that only works on humans. (Willow smiles) SPIKE: There's no demon in there. That's just a family legend, am I right? (Mr. Maclay looks angry) Just a bit of spin to keep the ladies in line. (smirks) Oh, you're a piece of work. I like you. TARA: (softly, to Willow) I'm not a demon. WILLOW: (smiling) You're not a demon. TARA: He hurt my nose. WILLOW: Aw. SPIKE: (still rubbing his forehead) Yeah, you're welcome. (Stalks off) Tara and Willow smile hugely at each other. Shot of Buffy and Dawn in identical poses side-by-side, with their arms crossed, their heads cocked at the same angle, and the same steely glare on both their faces. Giles stands behind them. GILES: Mr. Maclay, I would say your business here is finished. MR. MACLAY: Tara. (Tara looks at him) For eighteen years your family has taken care of you and supported you. If you wanna turn your back- TARA: (walking forward) Dad ... just go. Mr. Maclay scowls, turns and heads for the door. Donny follows. Mr. Maclay pauses at the door. MR. MACLAY: (disgusted) Magic. Beth gives Tara a very dirty look. BETH: Are you happy now? A slow smile spreads across Tara's face as fast rock music begins. Cut to the Bronze. A montage of scenes of the whole group wearing party clothes, talking and laughing in different groups. Xander giving Tara a drink. Buffy talking with someone. Willow laughing at Xander's joke. Dawn racing through the crowd and Buffy stopping her. Willow blowing bubbles while Tara opens her presents, admiring the crystal ball from Giles. Dawn running up to Tara, holding a broom with a bow tied around it. A bunch of them hanging out, talking, playing pool. Cut to Buffy leaning against a pole, watching the action with a smile. Behind her the door opens and Riley enters, with a gift box under his arm. He goes up to Buffy. RILEY: Sorry I'm late. BUFFY: (smiling) You came. RILEY: Of course I came. They kiss. Cut to Tara talking to Anya, who wears a party hat. TARA: No, see, 'cause your insect reflection represents your insignificance... (Anya nods) in terms of the karmic cycle. Anya nods to show that she understands, then ponders it for a moment. ANYA: But it's still not funny. Cut to Xander, Buffy, Dawn and Giles talking together. Riley comes over with three blue plastic cups, gives one to Buffy and one to Giles. We see that Xander already has a cup. DAWN: (with her back to the others, watching the crowd) This place is so cool. (looks at hand) 'Cept I have to wear this stupid stamp on my hand. XANDER: That's to keep you from boozing it up. DAWN: Oh please. Only losers drink alcohol. A beat as the others take this in. The cups they're all holding are prominently visible. Dawn is cheerfully oblivious. Cut back to Tara and Anya. ANYA: So what's an eagle reflection? TARA: Umm... Willow approaches. WILLOW: My dance? She takes Tara's hand and leads her onto the floor as a slow song starts. They begin to dance. Willow has her hands on Tara's waist; Tara's hands on Willow's shoulders. WILLOW: Good birthday? TARA: Best birthday. WILLOW: I still can't believe you didn't tell me about your family and all that. TARA: I was just afraid if you saw the kind of people I came from, you wouldn't wanna be anywhere near me. WILLOW: See ... that's where you're a dummy. I think about ... what you grew up with, and ... then I look at what you are ... it makes me proud. It makes me love you more. TARA: Every time I- (takes a deep breath) even when I'm at my worst ... you always make me feel special. Willow smiles. TARA: How do you do that? WILLOW: Magic. They embrace, putting their heads on each other's shoulders and swaying to the music. SINGER: I can't take my eyes off you... I can't take my eyes off you... (this line of song repeats several more times as they continue slowly moving to the music and the camera moves around them. We see them slowly rising upward.) Long shot of Willow and Tara, surrounded by other couples who are also dancing. But Willow and Tara are floating several feet above the floor. Blackout. Executive Producer: Joss Whedon.	Plan: A: Sunnydale; Q: Where do Tara's relatives arrive to celebrate her birthday? A: Tara; Q: Who uses a magic spell on her friends to keep them from learning her "secret"? A: Glory; Q: Who unleashes a hoard of demons to hunt down Buffy? Summary: When relatives arrive in Sunnydale, to celebrate her birthday, Tara uses a magic spell on her friends to keep them from learning her "secret." Meanwhile, Glory unleashes a hoard of demons to hunt down Buffy.
Act 1 Scene 1 - Cafe Nervosa [Fade in. Frasier, Roz and Niles are at a table together.] Frasier: You know, I heard the most extraordinary thing on the radio today. Niles: I know. Rubenstein's torrid survey of the Copin mazurkas. It took all my strength not to turn the car around, drive home and ravish my wife. Roz: That Daphne is one lucky lady. Frasier: No, I was referring to the fact that Maris has been released on bail. Niles: Oh, yes. Of course she's still under house arrest until her murder trial. Poor thing, has to wear an electronic tracking device on her ankle. She can't keep the press off her back, they're printing the most vicious stories about her. Roz: I saw one of those. Is it true that she fired one of the gardeners because she found a worm on the front walk? Niles: Well, to be fair, Maris has always been frightened and disgusted by them. Roz: It's just a stupid worm. Niles: No, I'm talking about gardeners. [Martin walks into the coffee shop.] Martin: Hey, guys. Frasier: Oh hey, Dad. Why don't you pull up a chair? Martin: Oh, thanks. [Niles moves over so Martin can sit down.] Roz: You're looking sharp. I don't think I've ever seen this jacket. Martin: Well, that's because I don't wear it too often. But you know, when I do, sometimes I find all kinds of junk in the pockets. It's like putting on a time capsule or somthein'. [he pulls out a letter] Oh, here, here's something from the world of yesterday. [Frasier takes the envelope.] Frasier: Dear God, Dad, that's my home insurance payment. I asked you to mail this three months ago. Martin: Oh, sorry, Fraizh. But you see what I mean about the jacket? I can still see him givin' me that envelope. [Frasier dials his cell phone. Martin pulls another envelope out of a different pocket. He looks at it, wide-eyed, then hurries out.] Frasier: No wonder my agent's been calling me. My policy's probably been cancelled! [into the phone] Yes, Jim Sunquist, please. ... Yeah, Jim, it's Frasier Crane. ... Yes, I know. I've just discovered that myself. Listen, how much to renew? ... What? Well, I'm gonna have to think that over. ... Uh, right, I'll call you. Thanks, Jim. [He disconnects.] Frasier: Scandinavian shyster! Cold-hearted, glad-handed, highway-robber, phony big-toothed smiling son of a bitch insurance man! [He notices the phone is still on.] Frasier: Not you, Jim. Love to Marie. [He firmly disconnects.] Frasier: Damn! Now I'm going to have to pay twice as much! Niles: Well, why don't you just find another insurer? Roz: Oh, you know who you should talk to? Ann Hodges! Frasier: Oh, Roz, have you lost your mind? I never want to see that woman again. Niles: Who is she? Frasier: Oh, a friend of Roz's. We had a stunningly bad date, during which my behavior was...less than chivalrous. Roz: You ate her ravioli, then hit on another woman in the same restaurant. Frasier: Which I concede was less than chivalrous. Roz: Well, the least you can do is throw her some business. She just did mine and she did a great job. And she can rush this through. Here you go, here's her card. Niles: You should be covered, Frasier. God forbid something should happen, a pipe bursts, or Dad should screw up again. Remember the great bacon fire of '98? Frasier: I suppose spending ten minutes with the woman won't kill me. [Frasier pulls out his cell phone.] Frasier: Oh, for God's sake, Jim, hang up already! [He stabs at the buttons furiously. Fade out.] Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment [Fade in. Frasier is getting off the elevator. Caroline, his neighbor, is still on.] Frasier: Well, this is me. Uh, thanks again for holding the elevator, Caroline. Caroline: Well, you did throw your briefcase into it. Frasier: Yes, yes. Well, you'd be surprised how many people just kick it back out and push the close button. You know, maybe I could repay you by taking you to dinner some evening. Caroline: Yeah, I'd like that. How about next Monday? Frasier: Perfect. Why not stop by my place first for a drink? Around six o'clock? Caroline: Sounds good. Frasier: Great. Um, thanks again. And...sorry again about the briefcase. You might want to put some ice on that ankle. [He goes into his apartment as the elevator closes. Cut to - the living room as he comes in. Martin enters, eating.] Martin: Hi, Fraizh. Frasier: Hi, Dad. What have you got there? Martin: I made a sandwich with some of your cold chicken in there. Frasier: Also known as quail. Think you can get a plate before you start dripping mayonnaise all over the place? [He puts his coat up.] Martin: Oh, relax, I'm almost done. Frasier: Oh, and by the way: Until this home is insured once again, there will be no more barbecuing or deep frying. Martin: Does that include the hot plate in my bedroom? Frasier: Since when do you have a hot plate?! [The doorbell rings, Frasier goes to answer it.] Martin: Since I finally figured out how to plug it in. In just one outlet, I have my TV, aquarium, clock radio and that old space heater. Frasier: Yes, well, unplug everything! [He opens the door to reveal Ann.] Ann: [cooly] Hello, Frasier. Frasier: Hello, Ann. Please, won't you come in? This is my father, Martin Crane. [He closes the door behind her.] Ann: Oh, I've heard all about you. Frasier and I used to go out. Martin: Oh... Well, I'll be in my room. [He heads off.] Ann: So, this is kind of weird, huh? Frasier: Yes, I hope that you're being here means that you've forgiven me? Ann: Well, I was pretty steamed after that date, but my shrink helped me work through the rage. Good thing you didn't walk in front of my car on the street for the first few weeks or I would've just gotten out and given you a good kick. Frasier: Yes, and I would've deserved one, too. Here, let me take your coat. You're going to want to look around the place before you write up the policy. [He takes her coat back to hang it up.] Ann: Oh, very nice. Frasier: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. [She stops by one of his African masks.] Ann: Hey, this guy looks like my ex. [Frasier laughs with her.] Ann: I'm just kidding. He wasn't black. Frasier: Can I get you something to drink? Ann: Oh, just a glass of water. But I'll get it, I want to see your kitchen. [She steps into the kitchen, but keeps talking.] Ann: Wow! Shmancy! And so clean. You know, there's a homosexual couple that lives in my building and their kitchen is like a pigsty compared to yours. Whoops, spoke too soon. Somebody dripped a little bit of mayona... [She lets out a screech and there is a thud from the kitchen. Frasier looks towards the kitchen nervously.] Frasier: Ann? [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 3 - The Doctor's Office [Fade in. Martin and Frasier are with Ann. She is in a wheelchair, a cast on her leg.] Ann: Boy, who'da thunk a little mayo on the floor could end up breaking your leg? [Martin looks at Frasier, who is glowering at him. The doctor comes in.] Doctor: So, how's that cast feeling? Ann: Okay. I'm worried about my apartment, though. It's a fourth floor walk-up. Frasier: Oh, dear. Well, is there a friend or a family member that we could call to come get you? Ann: No. Just my mom, and she lives in Portland. [The doctor is trying to look at an x-ray, but the machine isn't working.] Doctor: Uh oh. Ann: "Uh oh"? What's that supposed to mean? If you screwed anything up I will sue you blue, buddy boy! [Frasier and Martin share a panicked look.] Doctor: No, no it's nothing. The bulb burned out. Now, let's find you a pair of crutches. Ann: Okay. [He wheels her out the door.] Frasier: Watch it on the turns there, Doc. Precious cargo. [He closes the door behind them.] Frasier: I hope you enjoyed your sandwich. It may end up costing me my apartment. Martin: You think she'll sue you? Frasier: Oh, come on, Dad, she's an INSURANCE WOMAN. If anybody knows anything about milking money out of an injury, it's her. Martin: Well, won't your insurance cover it? Frasier: I have no insurance! Martin: Oh, right, right. You know what? Why don't you just try to get on her good side? Pay all her expenses, maybe throw in a private nurse for a few days. Frasier: That's good, that's good. But she's too dangerous to be left alone with her thoughts right now. We've got to try the personal approach. I tell you what, why don't we inviter her to spend a few days recuperating in our apartment? Martin: [disgusted] Oh... Frasier: Friends do not sue friends! [Ann comes in on crutches.] Ann: Oh, my pits are barking already. Frasier: Ann, listen, Dad and I were just talking. We thought maybe you should just stay at our place, until you get used to your crutches. Ann: Really? Frasier: Sure. That's what friends do. Ann: Thanks. Well, I'll call my super and have him send over some clothes and my trumpet and we're good to go. Frasier: You play the trumpet? Ann: Oh, I just started. It's really hard. [She turns and goes out the door. Frasier and Martin nervously follow her. Fade out.] Act 2 Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment [Fade in. Frasier is walking around the living room, picking up trash. Ann let's out a shout from the bedroom area.] Ann: Hey! Martin: Oh, sorry. [He walks into the living room.] Martin: Dammit, Frasier, I just walked in on your insurance lady takin' a sponge bath. Frasier: Dear God. Which sponge? Martin: The small one. It's been the longest two days of my life. [He settles into his chair.] Frasier: Well, what do you think, it's been a vacation for me? I have cooked her meals, I have massaged her feet. I have also wildly applauded her trumpet rendition of "Froggy Went A-Courtin'". [The doorbell rings, Frasier goes to answer it.] Frasier: But I have won her over. There will be no discussion of a lawsuit tomorrow when I send her a-packin'. [He opens the door to reveal Niles.] Frasier: Oh, hi, Niles. Niles: Hey, Frasier. Hey, Dad. [He hands Frasier a bag.] Niles: Brace yourself, I have finally gotten around to returning your escargot clamps. [He goes to hang up his coat. Frasier pulls one of the clamps out of the bag.] Frasier: Oh, thank you Niles. Martin: Oh, that's what those are. I've been usin' 'em to pull ticks off Eddie's coat. Niles: Sherry? Frasier: Oh, yes, please. Thank you. [Niles goes over to the wine area.] Niles: I have Maris news: She's auctioning off some of her things to help pay for her defense. She's letting me come by first to claim anything I want. Well, this is my chance to seize and destroy my boudoir painting. Martin: What's that? Niles: Oh, well, years ago Maris and I got the idea it into our heads to commission portraits of a... well, quasi-erotic nature. Frasier: Dear God. [He brings Frasier's sherry over to him. Martin, a look of disgust on his face gets up and goes to the kitchen.] Frasier: Continue. [They sit.] Niles: Well, Maris is depicted as a doe-eyed wood nymph, while in my painting I am the satyr Pan. A louche sybaritic goat-man with a depraved appetite for all things sensual. [Ann comes in on her crutches.] Ann: Oh, I forgot to lock that door. Your dad sure got an eye full. [Frasier and Niles get up.] Frasier: Yes, uh, bumbling old man, I'm terribly sorry. Ann: Well, no birthday gift for him this year, he's had it. Hi, Niles. [Frasier forces a laugh while Niles makes a face.] Niles: Hello, Ann. It's so nice to see you, I'm sorry I can't stay. [He goes to grab his coat.] Ann: You're leaving? You're always leaving. Niles: Oh, just lately. Bye. [He sweeps out the door.] Frasier: Bye-bye, Niles. Well, wait 'til you see what I've made you for dinner tonight. Your favorite: mac and cheese with sliced hot dogs. [He grabs some things and heads for the kitchen.] Ann: Oh, you keep pampering me this way, it'll be hard for me to go home next month. [Martin drops something in the kitchen as Ann lowers herself onto the couch.] Frasier: Next month?! Ann: Well, let's cross our fingers. My bones tend to knit slowly. [Martin comes out of the kitchen, looking horrified.] Frasier: Uh, aren't you afraid to leave your apartment unattended for an entire month? Ann: No problem. I just sub-let it this morning to a girl from work. If she chips so much as one of my porcelain piggies, I'll sue her six ways to Sunday! [Frasier turns to go into the kitchen. Martin mutters as he goes past.] Martin: If you want to beat her to death with one of her crutches I can show you how to make it look like an accident. [The go into the kitchen together. Fade out.] Scene 2 - Maris' House [Fade in. Marta is leading Niles into the living room, which is crowded with things.] [N.B. This is Marta's first appearance since [4.23], "Ask Me No Questions."] Marta: Here is everything. I tell Missy Crane you are here. Niles: Thank you, Marta. [She heads back upstairs.] Martin: Wow. Maybe I can find something nice for Ronee here. This whole Ann thing has got me practically livin' over there. [Daphne picks up an item.] Daphne: Look at this fancy back scratcher. Niles: That's not exactly what it is. Every winter Maris would fly down to the private island her family owns in the south Pacific. On Christmas she'd let the native children come by and fish coins from the fountain. Martin: Oh, some kind of coin-scooper, huh? Niles: No, no, it's a stick with a claw on the end it in case any of the children got too close to her. [Niles looks around for a moment, then grabs a painting.] Niles: Ah, I found me. Daphne, avert your eyes. Let's get this thing wrapped up and into my trunk. [Daphne rolls her eyes and turns her back. Martin comes around and looks at the painting.] Martin: Oh, geez. How could you stand to look at yourself like that? Niles: I never had to. It was in Maris' bedroom. [He covers it with a cloth, then calls out.] Niles: Marta, tell Maris we'll be back to say goodbye.. Marta: [calling from upstairs] Yes, Dr. Crane. [As they leave with the painting, Marta comes down. She checks to see that they've gone, then steps over to a thin crate with a small hole in it.] Marta: You were right, Missy Crane. They take the painting right away. [She holds up a plastic cup and sticks a straw from it into the hole.] Marta: Now drink your protein shake, you've got a long trip ahead of you. [There is a slurping sound and the level in the cup drops a bit.] Marta: Oh, very good, Missy Crane, you drink a lot! ... What? Too much? Okay. [She puts the straw back and the cup refills. There is a sound at the door.] Marta: Oh, here they come! [She puts the cup down and hurries off as the Cranes re-enter.] Daphne: Can we leave now? This place gives me the chills. Niles: It was designed to. Just let me say goodbye to Maris and we'll... [He breaks off as Marta comes back down the stairs again, crying out.] Niles: What is it, Marta? Marta: I no find Missy Crane. I go up to her room and all there is is this note. [She hands a note to Niles, who unfolds it and reads.] Niles: Dear God. She says she doesn't believe she can get a fair trial and she can't face life in prison, so she's going to hurl herself off the State Senator Harry R. Burton Bridge. Marta, when was the last time you saw Maris? Marta: Just before you come. Niles: Then we can still catch her. Martin: Well, don't panic. She still has that tracking device, the cops'll stop her. Niles: Yes, but if we can catch her, maybe I can talk her down. [They hurry out. Marta goes back to the crate.] Marta: Perfect, Missy Crane. I put the tracking bracelet behind the painting just like you say. The workmen will take you in a minute... What? Okay. [She grabs the cup and puts the straw back in the hole. Instead of being drunk, the liquid level goes up even higher. Fade out.] [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 3 - Frasier's Apartment [Fade in. Roz gets off the elevator. Frasier is leaning against the wall outside his door, reading a paper.] Roz: Hey, Frasier, I'm glad I caught you. Did you just get home? Frasier: No, I've been here a while. Can't bring myself to go in. Not with her in there. [There is a sound of a trumpet badly sounding the scales from inside the apartment.] Frasier: She's getting better. Roz: Look, I did you a favor. My lawyer drew up this document, it releases you from all liability, if you just get Ann to sign it. Frasier: Oh, Roz, there's no way I'm going to get her to sign this. But I have a better plan: I've just booked passage for her and her mother on a two week cruise to Alaska. That way I'll get her out of my home, but we'll still feel like we're friends. Roz: Hmm, not a bad idea. Good luck with that. [She presses the button and the elevator opens.] Frasier: Thank you. Roz, I've been meaning to ask you: how did you ever become friends with Ann? I mean, she's really not your type, is she? Roz: Oh, we're not really friends. I rear ended her in 1989. [She lets the doors close, smiling at Frasier's shocked look. Cut to - the living room. Ann is on the phone as Frasier comes in.] Ann: Well I say divorce him and take him to the cleaners. When you play with someone's heart, you deserve to pay big time. My ex sure did. ... [laughing] Yes, he's still living in his van and he's lucky I let him keep that. Listen, I gotta go. My Bunny's home and he's looking so handsome. Okay, I'll call you later. [She hangs up. Frasier has a worried look on his face as he takes off his coat.] Ann: You! Alaska! [She gets up.] Frasier: Oh, the tickets arrived. Ann: You bet they did. I just called my mother and she's thrilled. Frasier: Well, I'd hoped she would be. Ann: She can't believe that you're taking me to Alaska! Frasier: You told her I was taking you? Ann: Don't worry, I told her your intentions were honorable. [whispering knowingly] But they better not be. Frasier: Ann... Ann: You know, I've been wondering all week "Why is Frasier keeping me here?" He could've just sent me home with a nurse. But then I got these and I figured it out: you've got a thing for me. Well, I've got news for you Romeo... Frasier: Hold that thought, while Bunny goes and pours himself a big ol' glass o' wine. [He starts for the liquor cabinet, but turns back when the doorbell rings. He opens it to reveal Caroline.] Frasier: Caroline. Caroline: Hi, Frasier. Am I early? Frasier: Uh... Ann: Who are you? Frasier: Uh...just a neighbor. Caroline: Is our date still on? Ann: Date!? Frasier: [pained] No. Since we made our plans, Caroline, I've met someone else. Ann: Me! So beat it. Caroline: Frasier? Frasier: Just go! [He closes the door on her face.] Ann: Well...someone's quite the tomcat. I don't know what I'm gonna do with you. Frasier: [darkly] I don't know what I'm gonna do with you either. [He heads for the kitchen. Ann picks up the indemnity release.] Ann: Hey, hey Bunny, what's this? Frasier: Oh, it's nothing. Just some work stuff. Ann: It's got my name on it. It's a liability release! Oh, my gosh, you think I'm gonna sue you. Frasier: No. Ann: So that's why you've been so nice to me. Because you're afraid of a lawsuit. So this whole romance was just a fake! Frasier: No! Ann: You were leading me on! Frasier: No, never! Ann: Well I've got news for you! Nobody plays with my heart! I should sue you! Frasier: I realize that you're angry now, Bunny... Ann: YOU'RE Bunny! I'm calling a lawyer! [She hobbles towards the phone.] Frasier: All right, fine! Go ahead and sue! I am fed up with this charade! This was an accident! I have cared for you, I have waited on you, I have pumiced your heels and set your HAIR! Well, if that's not enough for you, so be it! I don't care anymore, I will not BEG! You can take me to the cleaners but you cannot take my dignity! Ann: Okay, see you in court. [Frasier stumbles to the couch and falls to his knees.] Frasier: Oh dear God, please, no! Pleas, no, no, please! Please, please don't sue me! My...things, my beautiful, beautiful things. I love them so... [He hugs his coffee table.] Ann: Are you crying? Frasier: [weeping] No. Ann: Gross. Frasier, pull yourself together. I'll sign your stupid paper. [Frasier gets to his feet.] Frasier: You will? Ann: God, to think I had a thing for you. Can I pick 'em or what? [Frasier hands her a pen. She takes it and signs the release.] Frasier: Thank you, Ann. I'm sorry it had to come down to all this, this legal business. If it were up to me, I would tear up this piece of paper and forget everything that's happened here. [He lifts the page.] Frasier: And, uh, here. [He points and she signs. He lifts that page.] Frasier: And...here. [She signs again. Fade out.] Scene 4 - Niles' Car THE PAN-AMERICAN HIGHWAY [Fade in. Daphne is driving, Niles is on his cell phone and Martin is in the back seat.] Niles: Yes, officer, we're headed east on Highway 61, toward for the bridge. Do you have a read on her tracking bracelet yet? They say she just passed Exit 29. Martin: We just passed Exit 29. I don't see anyone ahead of us. Niles: Do you suppose we passed her? Daphne: There is a car behind us. [The car behind them starts flashing red and blue lights and a cop calls out over the loudspeaker.] Patrolman: Pull over immediately. Niles: Dad, you were a cop, what do we do? Martin: Pull over immediately. [Daphne pulls the car to the side of the road. Fade out.] Scene 5 - Highway 61 [Fade in. Daphne, Niles and Martin are standing in front of a highway patrolman at the side of the highway.] Niles: We don't have time for this, we need to get to the bridge! Patrolman: According to her tracking device, your wife is in this vehicle. Niles: But that's absurd! Daphne: And she's his ex-wife. Martin: Oh, no, the press is here! Patrolman: Open the trunk, sir. Niles: Look, look, please, there's an item of a very personal nature in there, if you could just keep the media away... Patrolman: [drawing his gun] Now! [Niles opens the trunk.] Niles: See, see? No Maris. [The patrolman pulls the painting out.] Niles: Oh, careful with that, that's what I didn't want you to... [The patrolman pulls the cover off.] Martin: Oh, geez! Patrolman: What the hell is that? Niles: It's Pan, the satyr. A minor god of mischief, debauchery and fornication. [The patrolman looks disgusted.] Daphne: That's what our son would look like if I were a goat. [The patrolman checks the back of the painting and holds up the tracking bracelet.] Patrolman: Here's your tracking device, right there. Martin: She conned us! Niles: Well, you have your bracelet, I guess I'll just take my painting. Patrolman: Sorry, sir, this is evidence. [He picks it up and swings around towards the news crews.] Niles: No, no, don't...! [The painting ends up fully in the spotlight, with Niles right next to it. Cameras flash as the photographers all take pictures. Fade out.] Scene 6 - Frasier's Apartment [Fade in. Martin and Frasier are at the dining table, Niles is standing and reading a letter from Maris.] Niles: "So, I shipped myself to our private island where, like dear Uncle Julius, I will be immune from extradition. Thank you all and forgive me. Best regards, Maris. P.S. Big ups to all my homeys in lock-down. Stay black, Cell Block D." [He sits down.] Frasier: So, you were the decoys. It's ingenious. Niles: Mm-hmm. Martin: How'd she get the tracking bracelet off? Niles: Apparently she swallowed a salt tablet to make her ankle swell right before they fitted her. Then, when the swelling went down, the bracelet just slipped right off. Frasier: So, that's it. No more Maris. Niles: Strange to think I'll never see her again. Martin: She was a pain, but she was a character. Frasier: Well, then, let's drink a toast to her. Well, just a drop left. Niles: Perfect, I can't think of a more fitting toast. [Frasier pours the last bit of wine into Niles and Martin's glasses.] Frasier: There we go. [They all raise their glasses.] Niles: To Maris. [They touch glasses and drink. Fade out.] [N.B. This was the last episode filmed before Jane Leeves gave birth to her second child, on December 19th, 2003. The next episode filmed after this was "BOO!" in which she appeared only in the tag. After that, she wears a false stomach in every episode until Daphne gives birth.] [SCENE_BREAK] Frasier is on the couch, watching TV. Martin comes in from the bedrooms, on his way out. AS Martin reaches the door, the lights go out. Frasier uses the remote to try to get the TV back on. Martin pulls a letter from his pocket. He nervously slips out the door as Frasier yells after him.	Plan: A: one; Q: How many envelopes does Martin find in Frasier's jacket? A: Frasier; Q: Who is horrified to find a check for his home insurance renewal in his jacket? A: months; Q: How long ago was the check for Frasier's home insurance renewal supposed to have been sent? A: the company; Q: Who does Frasier call to find out about his insurance renewal? A: Roz; Q: Who advises Frasier to consult Ann Hodges? A: Ann Hodges; Q: Who does Frasier remember from their disastrous date? A: the kitchen; Q: Where did Ann Hodges slip and break her leg? A: her leg; Q: What does Ann break when she slips on a mayonnaise spillage? A: a lawsuit; Q: What does Frasier fear will happen when Ann breaks her leg? A: no insurance; Q: What does Frasier have that makes him worried about a lawsuit? A: a few days; Q: How long does Ann stay at Frasier's house? A: a decision; Q: What does Frasier regret inviting Ann to stay at his place? A: bail; Q: What was Maris released on? A: house arrest; Q: What is Maris under? A: an electronic tracking device; Q: What is Maris wearing on her wrist? A: legal costs; Q: What is Maris trying to raise money for? A: Pan; Q: What is the name of the portrait of Niles that Maris is selling? A: a decoy; Q: What is Niles about to act as in Maris' escape plan? Summary: Martin discovers an envelope in the pocket of one of his jackets, which contains a check for Frasier's home insurance renewal and should have been posted months previously. Realising this, Frasier makes a hasty call to the company, and is horrified at the amount he would have to pay now to renew. Roz advises him to consult Ann Hodges, whom Frasier remembers from their disastrous date ( The Placeholder ). He reluctantly agrees, and invites her round to survey his home, where she slips on a mayonnaise spillage in the kitchen and breaks her leg. Anxious to avoid a lawsuit when he has no insurance, Frasier decides to invite Ann to stay at his place for a few days while she recovers - a decision he soon regrets. Meanwhile, Maris has been released on bail , and is being kept under house arrest with an electronic tracking device on her wrist. Niles learns that she plans on auctioning some possessions to help pay legal costs. She offers him the chance to look over them first, so he seizes the opportunity to reclaim a "quasi- erotic " portrait of himself as Pan . Little does he realize that he is about to act as a decoy in her escape plan.
[The opening scene is a party at Kinnetic. Brian is back in his natural position - King of the World. He's got enough ready cash to give Lindsay a check to reimburse the citizens of Liberty Avenue for their handout - er, donation.] Charlie: That new campaign you're creat is awesome. Brian: Thanks, Charlie. Lindsay: Are these the people who made you rich? [she hugs him.] Brian: Yeah, god loves me. And here is your cheque. Lindsay: Brian! Brian: The Concerned Citizens For the Truth thanks the Liberty Avenue for their support and help. Lindsay: Brian, these were a gift. We're say thank you. Brian: I know, but it's my turn. Besides, you know me. I only spend it on booze, debauchery and the Armani spring collection. Lindsay: Well, in this case. [Cut to another table. Mel discuss something with Ted.] Mel: Case closed. Jeanette and Anne had their son back and it was a fair decission from the judge. Ted: Congratulations, Mel. Mel: I owe it all to you. Ted: Me? Mel: You remined me to have the courage to change the things I can and wisdom to accept thing I can't. Ted: [looks to Emmett] Yeah, I still working on that myself. [Lonely, self-pitying Emmett has moved in with lonely, self-pitying Debbie.] Emmett: Live alone is to fcking lonely. Debbie: To lonely fcking, right Em? Emmett: [to Justin] Now she's livin in sin. Debbie: I rather cross the hall from it. Justin: Make sure that the toilette seats down. Deb gets a little touchie. Debbie: Especially two o'clock in the morning. I'm almost fall in. [cut to Vic, Michael and Ben.] Vic: The ingratitude from the publisher - rejecting your second rework. Ben: Well, what comes to bottom line is that the things are loyality. Michael: You'll find another publisher. [Vic starres to Debbie. And Debbie starres to Vic. Brian clinks on a glass. It's speech time!] Lindsay: Attention, everyone! Justin: (whispers to Ted) He's gonna give a speech. [Brian gets up on the podium. Lindsay is up there, too.] Brian: I'd like to thank everyone. My clients, my employees (he pulls Cynthia onto the podium), my friends (he extends a hand to Justin, who steps up too) - for being here tonight to help launch Kinnetic. [cheering] It hasn't been easy. They say that the market is shrinking. They say that it's the wrong time to start a new agency. Well, I say - don't believe a fckin' word. Especially in advertising! [Everybody laughs and applauds. Brian kisses Justin.] Guy: That guy's got balls! Debbie: You don't know the half of 'em! [Brian opens a bottle of champagne which sprays all over the place. Wild cheers and shouts.] [The next day. It looks as though Vic would like to kiss and make up with Debbie, but when he and Rodney show up at the diner she refuses to wait on them.] Vic: Sis. [She rushes away.] Vic: Sis! [She rushes away again.] Vic: Waitress! Debbie: Sharone, you've table number five. I'm busy. Sharone: Sure Deb. What can I get you? Vic: My fcking sister. [Meanwhile, Mikey rushes in with some exciting news for Justin.] Michael: Justin! Justin, check this out! Justin: What is it? Michael: An e-mail and look who it's from. Justin: Brett Keller. The director? Michael: Yeah, red man two. "Farmacy cowboys". He says he's a big fan from Rage. Justin: That's awesome! Michael: Yeah, especially from the part that says he wants make it into a movie. Justin: Are you serious? A movie? [Deb walks by and hear the last sentence.] Debbie: A movie? Who's makin' a movie? Michael: Brett Keller (reading from e-mail) would like to float the possibility of making your brilliant comic book into a live action feature. Debbie: Oh my god! I always said you'd be rich and famous! I can't breathe! Michael: Ma, sit down. Justin: Sharone, can you bring some water? Vic: Are you alright, sis? Debbie: I'm perfectly fine. You're only need to concern for yourself. Michael: Brett Keller wants to make some movie about Rage. Vic: Wow, congratulations, you two. When's the premiere? Debbie: He's taking his mother. You can ran until the blockbuster. [A hurt Vic disappears.] Michael: When do you gonna let up Uncle Vic? Debbie: I don't want to discuss that about my brother. I'm still waiting on that slice slot! Michael: Because he didn't invite you to his dinner party? Debbie: It's not just that. He obviously doesn't want me around him. Michael: You know that's not true! He has his own life now, that doesn't mean he loves you any less. Remember what you always told me? "Blood is thicker than marinara sauce." [She looks pained, but quite not as angry.] [Lindsay and her boss. T Lindsay's boss is looking at some slides. Lindsay is reading an article about a famous New York artist, Sam Auerbach, who's in town to paint a mural on some building.] Chief: I though we may arrange that landscape according the season. Lindsay? Lindsay: Sure. Chief: I think I was thinking of we could arrage the landscapes according the seas. Lindsay: Sure. Great idea(!) Chief: Are you reading a house book? Lindsay: The new Auerback. Chief: I start it yesterday to pay a peak. Great amazing. Lindsay: I always love those work. He's always a challencenging. Hey Sidney, what do you think we're doing a exhibit about his work? We can junction with the mirror. Chief: You're dream come true. Except that it won't work. Lindsay: I have no harm to asking himself. My house book says "take a chance". Chief: I suggests that it's time to get out of the stars and get back down to earth. Now, I say we should arrange the landscapes in the seas. [Justin drops by Kinnetic to tell Brian the good news. Well, at least Cynthia's excited. Brian is just - busy.] Justin: He wants to make Rage into a movie! Cynthia: That's fantastic! Brian: (to Cynthia, handing her paper) Are these rates firm? Cynthia: As my abs! (To Justin) I bought one of those machines. Justin: Did you hear what I said? Brian: He wants to make it into a movie. (To Cynthia) Tell them we'll book the next three issues if they knock off 15% Justin: Aren't you proud of me? I'm gonna be rich! Brian: Good. Now you can pay back the thousands I spent on your aborted education. Justin: Who needs school when you have a pictah deal? Brian: You'd still have a degree. Justin: I already have an idea for the first feature. Assuming of course, that there're going to be numerous sequels. JT gets even with his bashers, goes to Hollywood, and becomes a stah! Brian: (deadpan and sarcastic) Wow, where'd you get that brainstorm? Justin: How about we go to Babylon later and celebrate? Brian: Sorry, it's a school night. (Justin turns to go, disappointed.) Cynthia, when is the deadline on that run? Cynthia: Noon tomorrow. Brian: Hey, Spielberg! [Justin turns around.] Brian: One drink. [Justin leaves, cocky strut back in place, swinging his jacket.] [Emmett is painting Deb's front door red. Deb brings him hot chocolate with marshmallows.] Debbie: Here you go, honey. I put some marshmallows on top. Emmett: I love marshmallows. I always though of angel balls. Debbie: It's good you have them. [looking at the door] Wow, this is one fcking red door. Emmett: It's not fcking red, it's mangora. [Ted drops by.] Debbie: Hey, Teddy. Ted: Hey Deb. Debbie: Honey, can I give you some hot chocolate? Ted: Uh, no. I'm not staying. Debbie: Well, if you change your mind I got a first fresh bag of angel's balls. [Debbie goes inside, leaving Ted and Emmett alone.] Emmett: Well, aren't you gonna make some caustic remark? Ted: About what? Emmett: My moving in with Deb. Now Emmett's got his own personal fag hag! Ted: It's a great idea. Living alone would've driven you nuts, and I'm sure Deb enjoys having a new roomie, so I'd say all in all it's an ideal arrangement. Emmett: Almost as perfect as your working for Brian. Ted: I told him he's betting on a loser, but it won't be the first time a long shot came from behind, I guess. Emmett: We'll call you Seabiscuit. Ted: As part of my recovery, I'm trying to make amends for my behavior, so I've written letters apologizing to everyone. Michael, Ben, Brian, Mel and Lindz...you. Emmett: Last as always. Ted: Dammit, Emmett, you know you're not last. Or least. Emmett: It's very admirable, Ted, admitting your mistakes. Did everyone forgive you? Ted: So far. Emmett: Must make you feel better. Ted: I can't tell you how relieved I am. Emmett: Good for you. But what's reading this letter gonna do for me? Hmm? Will it take away all the damage that's been done? All the pain that's been inflicted? Will it make up for me feeling inadequate and helpless? Or erase all those memories of you descending into your addiction while you tried to drag me down with you? Sorry, Teddy, you'll just have to get your feel-good fix from someone else. [He hands the envelope back to Ted and goes back to painting the door. Ted looks crushed.] [At the Bruckner-Novotny household, Ben is revising his book, rewriting the boring parts - in other words, the whole damn thing. Michael and Hunter are watching a Brett Keller action movie.] Michael: First I pay off my mom's house. And then I'll buy a house for us. Then I buy a car. Hunter: A Porsche Carrera. Michael: It's only to obvious. Hunter: Don't worry, right Ben? Ben: Right, pal. I don't know which fantasy's crazier, the one you're watching or the one you're telling. Michael: Why's it so crazy? Ben: Just because he says he wants to make it into a movie doesn't mean it will ever see the light of day. Michael: I don't see why not. Ben: Those guys talk big but see if they deliver. Hunter: Who's gonna play Rage? Michael: Tom Cruise. Brad Pitt. Hunter: Those geezers? You gotta get Ashton Kutcher. Michael: Where you going? Ben: Some of us non-Hollywood types have a faculty meeting in the morning. Michael: Stay and watch for a few minutes. (Seductively) I'll sit on your lap. [Lindsay seeks out Famous Artist and World-Class Jerk Sam Auerbach, who is perched high atop some scaffolding in the lobby of an office building, working on his mural and yelling for bagels.] Lindsay: Excuse me, I'm looking for Mr.Auerbach. Sam: You call this a bagel?! Clerk: His mighty presents is everywhere. Sam: A lot wouldn't be cut on this! [he's threwing the bagels] Clerk: Sorry, Sam. [to Lindz] If I were you, I would run as fast as I can. Sam: Is someone who buy me a real bagel? Clerk: On the way, Sam. Lindsay: Mr.Auerbach? Sam: Who are you? Lindsay: My name is Lindsay Petersen. Mr.Auerbach, I'm a tremendious fan or your work. I think you're a brilliant painter. Sam: I know, I know. If you excuse me for a moment. I got a pie as a son of a bitch. Lindsay: I'll speak quickly. Sam: I try to hold it. Lindsay: Thank you. I'm from the Blume galery. We're hoping you might interesting to show of your recent work. Perhaps a new drawings from you? I feel the personal tough is always the best. Sam: Corinna, honey. Could you please take these brushes up there for me? Corinna: Sure. [He smacks her on the ass.] Sam: Now that's what I call the personal touch. [Cut to Ted and Blake leaving a 12-step meeting at the rehab.] Ted: When I listen Mona one more time how she misses her pill, I shove her mouth and throw about myself. Blake: There is a lesson in everybody's story. Ted: Today were a bored audience. Blake: Just keep coming. Ted: I know, I know. Blake: Just one more steps and it works out. Ted: Here, this is where my steps are leading me. [he took his letter for Emmett out] Blake: Sobriety, wholeness. Ted: I don't mean that. Look, if what Emmett says is true and the only reason I'm writing these is so everybody can forgive me and I can feel good about myself, then it's really no different from the way I was using them before. In which case he was right not to accept it. Blake: Look, I know it's upsetting. The person you wanted most to hear you refused to listen. But you can't be responsible for his reaction. Ted: Spare me the AA bullshit, would ya? Blake: You offered him your truth. Ted: Yeah. (Sarcastically) My truth. Blake: And that's all that matters. Ted: Well, if that's all that matters, how come you've never offered me your truth? [Blake has no answer for that. He needs to start practicing what he preaches.] Ted: You know, I'll skip the after-meeting coffee. I'll see you later. [He walks off, leaving Blake standing there and the letter to Emmett lying on the sidewalk.] [Debbie finally decides to forgive Vic for daring to get a life. She goes to see him and they make up. They hug.] Vic: Sis, I'm so glad you're here. Debbie: I guess I'll little over-reacted the other night but you know me... Vic: Queen of the drama queens. So, how about a piece of kuglhopf? I just bake it. Debbie: It's what I miss. You're kuglhopf. Vic: I baked an extra one - for you. I'm sorry for this, sis. You know that's the last thing I ever wannted to do. Debbie: I know that, honey. Vic: Sister, I entitled my own life. Debbie: I said you weren't! Vic: Especially after all it took for me to get it. Debbie: You and me both! Vic: So let's be happy that we each finally have our own lives. Debbie: Well, you certainly do. A sweet little apartment and a boyfriend- Vic: Life partner. Debbie: Life partner. Vic: It's a miracle. Debbie: Of course, it takes a miracle worker to make a miracle happen. And I'm not just talking about the good Lord above. Vic: I know, Sis, I know. How about a piece of kugelhoff? Debbie: I'm talking sheer will and hard work and sacrifices. Lots of sacrifices. You know, like nursing you myself when your health insurance ran out. Cleaning up your vomit and wiping your ass. Vic: Jesus Christ, if I have to hear about you wiping my ass one more time - Debbie: Well, if I had to do it, you could fckin' hear about it! I mean, who else would have done it if it wasn't for me? If I didn't take you in, where would you have gone? What would have happened to you? [Vic is becoming more and more annoyed.] Debbie: I think we both know the answer to that, so I'm just saying. Don't forget who put their life on hold so that you one day could live yours. Vic: I'll never forget and I'll always be grateful. But I never asked or expected you to sacrifice your life. Debbie: Well, how else was it gonna happen? By magic? I'd be damned if I was gonna let that disease get you, not as long as I had one ounce of strength left. Why else do you think I did it? Vic: I thought you did it for me, Mama. Debbie: What the hell is that supposed to mean? You think I did it for me? Vic: It gave you a sense of purpose, a way to feel good about yourself. Debbie: You fcking little ingrate! Vic: Look, this is my house. You don't talk to me that way! Debbie: Your house! Aren't you suddenly high and mighty! I'm not even surprised. You took what you needed and the first chance you got, it was, "So long, sucker!" Vic: That's not true! Debbie: The hell it isn't! You used me! Vic: And you used me. I think you'd better leave. Debbie: Don't even bother asking, cause you know what? I'm already gone! Vic: Good. Don't bother coming back until you say you're sorry. Debbie: And don't you worry because I'm never coming back. I don't give a sh1t if I ever see you again. [She turns to leave, then turns around for a parting shot] Oh, excuse me! You want an apology? Here's my apology: fck you, little brother. fck. YOU. [She stomps off. Vic looks like he's about to cry.] [Under blue lights at Babylon, Brian and Justin look a little bored and more than a little drunk. Brian kicks Justin's foot to get his attention.] Brian: You know the problem with our extracurricular one-fuck only policy? Justin: Is that after awhile you start asking yourself, 'Am I doing this because I want to do it or am I doing it because I need to do it? And if I need to do it, is it to prove to myself that I'm still young and attractive? Or cause I think I'm unworthy of being loved?' Brian: Or maybe it's because I've already had every fuckable guy in this city. [The camera pans to a guy who looks like nothing special at all. But he's unfucked by Brian and that's all that matters here.] Justin: What about him? Brian: Ah! The scent of fresh meat! The thrill of the kill. Justin: Too bad, Simba! It's me he's checking out. Brian: In your dreams! Justin: You wanna bet? Brian: What're the stakes? Justin: If I win, you take me on an all-expense paid trip to Ibiza. Brian: (laughs) It's pronounced I-bi-tha. And it's a long way to go for a bath house with sand. Justin: And if you win? Brian: If I win (laughs) - you go back to school. Justin: No fckin' way! Brian: (shrugs) Your call. [He starts to get up, but Justin pulls him back.] Justin: Wait, wait! OK. You're on. Cause I know he was checking me out. [They look around. The guy has disappeared.] Justin: sh1t. He's gone. Brian: He who hesitates doesn't get laid! [They chug their drinks.] [Lindz and Mel getting ready for bed.] Lindsay: The man is a pig. An absolut pig. Mel: You know what they said about heros. Lindsay: Who every said I've must admit him? I wasn't a dyke and darving on the nearest loft. Mel: And it's right here, baby. Lindsay: You say I'm attractive, wouldn't you? Mel: I have to sh1t my eyes everytime you walk into the room. Lindsay: He look like through me, if I doesn't visible. You should have seen his trapped assistant. Mel: Is that where you were wearing? Lindsay: Did you ever had an disco Barbie? Mel: Yes, I had. An doctor and it was an straight men's idea. Lindsay: That's what she was wearing. Mel: See, that's your answer. Lindsay: You expected me to walk around and spend an extra dish town on a couple of posters? Mel: I gave you the same advice you gave me on the Irlond and Irlond case. It isn't right, it isn't fair. It just is. Lindsay: I should my big mouth shut. Mel: Look, he's a man, you're a woman. Gay, straight, it doesn't matter. We all have our powers of persuasion. If you want something out of him, you've gotta play his game. Cause he sure as hell isn't gonna play yours. [At the comic store, Justin impatiently checks his e-mail.] Justin: sh1t. Ben: Problem? Justin: I just waiting for an answer of his e-mail. Michael and I wrote Keller back and told them we're interested in his offer. Ben: I'm sure big-time directors have hundreds of calls and e-mails to answer. He'll get back to you when he can. That is, if he's still interested. Justin: Why wouldn't he be? Ben: You know how it is out in Hollywood. They're hot on something one minute and cold on it the next. Justin: I'm sure he meant it. Ben: I'm sure you're right. What if he turns it into a piece of sh1t? Justin: We won't let him! Ben: Once you sell it, he can do whatever he wants. Make Rage straight. (To Michael) Ready for lunch? Justin: (To Michael) We need to get a lawyer. Michael: For what? Justin: Keller could turn Rage into a singing warthog and there's nothing we could do about it. Michael: (to Ben) What have you been telling him? Ben: To be careful, that's all. Michael: It's not gonna happen. He told us he loves Rage just the way he is. Justin: How do we know he's not just saying that? Michael: Thank you. Thank you very much, Ben! Now if you don't mind, I would appreciate it if you would just butt out! Ben: Be happy to. [He leaves.] [Emmett's potting plants when Blake stops by to drop off Ted's letter.] Blake: It looks nice. Emmett: Well, fairy have a special gift to remain everything. No matter how calm and transforming and it's something magical. Blake: I think this is yours. [he shows Ted's letter] Emmett: I always send that to the sender. Blake: I know that from the deadline of foul. Emmett: Well, I already told Teddy that I think it's great that he's doing the steps and writing those letters, but it's about him, not me. Blake: That's where you're wrong. It's about you helping him and yourself to move on. Emmett: I have moved on, thanks! And so has Ted, without any help or forgiveness from me. Blake: He's not asking for your forgiveness. He's asking you to acknowledge his pain for having hurt you. After that it's up to him to forgive himself. [He leaves the letter on the fence and walks off.] [At the gym, a guy slips Justin his number. Justin pockets it and strolls over to Brian who's working out half-heartedly on one of the weight machines.] Justin: That's the eighth one so far today! If I'd have known what a fleshpot this was, I would have signed up years ago. Not that I need it. I have the perfect twink physique. [Suddenly Brian spots Fresh Meat from the other night and he's off in hot pursuit.] Brian: Why wouldn't you brush your teeth? [Justin, busy with his own potential trick, looks up and sees what's going on.] Brian: Did you just start it? Guy: Yeah, I'm new in town. Brian: So long for Pittsburgh. My name is Brian. Guy: Shane. Brian: It's nice to see you, Shane. [Justin immediately whispers something in the ear of the guy he's been talking to, who then walks over and whispers something to Fresh Meat. It works like a charm.] Shane: It was nice talking to you. I got to go. [Needless to say, Brian is not used to rejection, so he's a bit mystified. Then he sees Justin's smirk.] Justin: The one that got away, huh? Brian: And I was halfway up his ass. Justin: He must have heard that nasty rumor. You know, the one about you having crabs? Brian: I wonder how that happened? Justin: Pack the sunscreen, we're going to Ibiza. Brian: I wouldn't ditch my textbooks yet! [Lindz goes back to see Auerbach. This time she brings him a bagel and dresses like a slut.] Lindsay: Mr.Auerbach? Auerbach: Yeah? Lindsay: I wonder if you would eat bagel? Here is a good bagel. Go ahead, try them. You don't scream that loud for them. Auerbach: Is this from you? Lindsay: It's from Sally's. It's the best shop in town. By the way, I'm Lindsay Petersen. From the City Galery. We're meet briefly the other day. Auerbach: That can't be right. Are you coming? [He stalks at the ladder. Then he grabs her ass.] Lindsay: [looks to the picture] Oh, it's incredible. It's a work of many people importants. I'm sorry, Mr.Auerbach... Auerbach: Sam. Lindsay: Sam, I wish you could reconsider so that we trade from your commission. Sam: Take this brush. Some red, no.9. Nice, even strucks. Lindsay: I can't believe I'm actually pained on a work from Sam Auerbach. Sam: Keeps strucking. [His hands in her ass, again.] Lindsay: What are you doin'? Sam: I told you, keep strucking. [She turns around and brush some red shade on his face.] Lindsay: Oh, my god. I'm so sorry. I think you should know, I'm happily married. Sam: Yeah, who is the lucky guy? Lindsay: He is not a guy, she is a woman. Sam: All the better. Call her, we have a three-way. [She punches him, which makes him lose his balance and he starts to fall backward, off the scaffold. She pulls him back.] Sam: You must be a dyke with a right hook like that. Lindsay: You are the most repellant man I've ever met, even if you are a genius. [She storms off. Now he's intrigued.] [Emmett and Michael on the streets. They take all Vic belongs to his place.] Emmett: This are more thing than I have. Michael: She would all the things out the house that she remind of him. [They knook on the door. Nobody's answer.] Michael: For his sake he doesn't make up. [Michael lets himself in. He has a key. Vic is sitting in a chair, apparently asleep in front of the TV. Michael and Emmett tiptoe in with the boxes. Michael tries to wake him up - only he doesn't wake up.] Michael: Uncle Vic? Emmett: What are we're doin with this? Michael: Take it there. Uncle Vic, you're movers were here. Emmett: We have everything from Debbie's kitchen except the thing... [He didn't react. Emmett looks worried. And so Michael.] Michael: Uncle Vic? Uncle Vic! Uncle Vic? [Michael goes to the diner to break the news to Deb. She's busy and grumpy and doesn't want to listen.] Debbie: Where the hell is the pod pie? Do you kill the chicken? Michael: Ma. Debbie: I can't talk to you know. Michael: It's important. Debbie: You see my hands are full, Sharone is sick and I'm working two stage. Michael: Please! Debbie: I'll be right with you. Michael: Ma, put the goddamn tray down! Debbie: What is so important that can't wait? Michael: Come, sit down. Debbie: I don't have time to sit down. Michael, just tell me. Michael: It's Uncle Vic. Debbie: What about him? Did he have a sh1t fit when you showed up with all those pots and pans? I hope so, that son-of-a-bitch. Michael: Ma - Debbie: What? Michael: Uncle Vic is gone. He passed away. Debbie: What the hell are you talking about? Michael: We took the stuff over to him and he was there. In front of the TV. I'm sorry, Ma. I called Rodney, and the paramedics came, but - [He shakes his head. Deb's in shock. Stunned speechless for once in her life.] [At Babylon, Justin encounters the elusive quarry, watching TV at the bar.] Justin: You into football? Trick: I hate football. Justin: Then why you watching? Trick: So some hot guy will come over and ask me if I'm into football. Justin: I'm Justin. Shane: Shane. Justin: I saw you at Babylon the other night. Shane: Oh? Justin: Yeah. You were cruising the hell out of me. Then you just disappeared. Shane: One of those emergencies, couldn't be helped. Justin: Well, lucky for us, I found you. Shean: You Pittsburgh guys sure are friendly. Justin: (laughs) It's a small town with a big heart. You been here long? Shean: All week. Still living out of boxes. Justin: Why don't I help you unpack? Shane: Why don't you? Say, aren't you the guy from the gym? Brian: Yeah, the one with the bad case of crabs. Fortunately that's cleared up. Justin: Too late. I won. You can book our flight tomorrow. Brian: Nobody's going anywhere. The bet's off. (Looks down, clears his throat) Vic's dead. Justin: That is really low, even for you! Brian: It's true. [SCENE_BREAK] [Cut to Debbie's house. Michael and Emmett hover over Debbie, who is uncharacteristically quiet. Rodney is tearful. Ben is sympathetic and solemn. Even Hunter is subdued.] Michael: Might if you go upstairs and ly down? Ma? Emmett: Can I get you anything? Rodney? Rodney: No thanks. [Brian and Justin come in. Justin hugs Deb, Brian hugs Michael.] Brian: (to Ben) What the fck happened? Ben: His heart. The doctor says his cholesterol was sky-high from the meds he was taking. Michael: No warning, nothing. Hunter: I thought the meds were supposed to keep you alive, not kill you. Ben: It doesn't always work that way. Rodney: I thought we'd have more time than this. Emmett: You guys should have been together a lot longer. It's so tragic. Brian: Hamlet's tragic. Vic was on his deathbed four years ago. All this - was gravy. He knew that. Debbie: What did you say? Brian: Going this way. It could've been a lot worse. If you ask me, he was fcking lucky. [Deb hauls off and slaps him across the face.] Debbie: Nobody fcking asked you! And who the fck are you to decide how long he should have lived? Brian: The truth hurts. [Still holding his face.] Debbie: Get this shithead out of my house. [Brian looks around. Under the circumstances, nobody's going to argue with Deb. He walks out. Justin runs after him.] Justin: Brian, wait up. She's upset. Tell her you're sorry. Brian: There's only one problem. I'm not. [Just then, Mel and Lindz come rushing up.] Mel: We just heard. Lindsay: How's Debbie? Brian: Nothing can keep a good woman down. Mel: Are you leaving? Brian: They ran out of ice. Mel: Brian - Lindsay: ...did something happen? Justin: Just go in, we'll be there in a minute. Brian: Not me! Justin: Where you going? Brian: We have a bet, remember? Justin: I can't believe you're thinking of sx at a time like this. Brian: A time like this is exactly when you should be thinking about it, while you can. [He pulls Justin in for a kiss, but Justin breaks free, gives him a look and runs back to Deb's. Brian walks off, rubbing his jaw.] [Michael is sitting in his old room, reading comics. Ben pokes his head in, a bit tentatively.] Ben: Here you are. Michael: Just take a breathing. Ben: How you holding up? Michael: I'm not thinking about me right now. I don't think Ma knows what hit her. Ben: Brian certainly didn't help. Insensitive prick! Michael: The funny thing is, Vic probably would have agreed with him. When he came back, everybody thought he had a couple of months to live, tops. You should have seen what he looked like. Ben: Not a pretty picture, I'm sure. Michael: So whatever time he got WAS a gift. He was a lot luckier than most. Ben: That may be true, but it wasn't Brian's place to shrug off his death, especially with your mom. Michael: He shrugs everything off! It's who he is. Ben: And you defend him. It's who you are. Michael: Look, I don't need to be told how to respond or what to feel. Certainly not by you, so if that's why you came up here - Ben: It's not. I came to offer my unconditional love and support. To let you know that if there's anything I can do - Michael: (snaps) There is! You can put everything else aside. Because right now, I don't give a sh1t about that director - whatever his name is. All I care about is helping my mom get through this. I just hope I can. [Ted answers a late night knock on the door. It's Blake.] Blake: Did I wake you? Ted: Uh, no. No. Come on in. First you should know I never wear this, but tomorrow is laundry days... Blake. It's okay. You looks stunning. Ted: So, you're just come from a meeting? Blake: I did. Ted: Yeah, it's risky tonight. Blake: Actually... me. It's my turn to speak and basically what I said was even I now clean for two years and I followed the programms and try to be a good counselor. Ted: Better than good. The best. Blake: I still feel the sorryfield. Ted: It's not true. Blake: It is true. I felt some propriate amends for a person a long time ago. Ted: Maybe you're write a letter? Blake: I already wrote a letter. All I wanna do is that. [Blake kisses Teddy.] [Michael, Ben and Hunter are going home.] Michael: [to Emmett] Maybe I should stay. Emmett: No, no. Go home with Hunter and Ben. I'll take the rest. I'm here, don't worry. [They hug each other. When everybody's gone, he goes into her room with a mug of something.] Emmett: Everybody's gone. Debbie: Good. I couldn't handle one more hug. Emmett: I though you wouldn't mind my secret sleep potion? Debbie: Keep the pill. Emmett: Sure, but they'll calm you. Debbie: Calm me? Not the way I'll talked to him. I said I never care about him. My last words to him were "f*ck you!" Emmett: You two were always fighting. Debbie: Yeah, we always made up. But not this time. [Emmett looks a little guilty. No doubt he's thinking about Ted. He leaves and goes to his room. Yep, he's gonna read the letter.] [Looks like Brian's won the bet. He's getting his dick sucked in the back room by Shane.] Shane: You had a great cock. Brian: Gee, I never heard that before. Thanks. Shane: There is something I'll talk to you about. [He hands Brian his card] Shane: Why you giving me a call? Brian: I'm sorry, but... Shane: I'm a doctor. Brian: You wanna get paid to probe my prostate? Shane: I just thought you should know, you've got a lump on your left testicle. If I were you, I'd have it checked out. The sooner the better. [Brian is stunned.]	Plan: A: an offer; Q: What do Michael and Justin receive? A: a live-action feature film; Q: What is the offer to turn 'Rage' into? A: Ted; Q: Who delivers a letter of amends to Emmett? A: Debbie; Q: Who and Vic get into a heated argument that will change their lives? A: Brian; Q: Who receives shocking news? Summary: Michael and Justin receive an offer to turn 'Rage' into a live-action feature film. Ted delivers his letter of amends to Emmett. Debbie and Vic get into a heated argument that will change their lives. Brian receives shocking news.
(Off the road on the way to Santa Barbara. The car is sitting, wrecked, next to a cornfield. Both Sydney and Vaughn are unconscious. They both have cuts on their faces. Sydney wakes up. ) Sydney: (whispers) Vaughn. Vaughn? (and falls back asleep) (Next, Vaughn is being taken away on a stretcher. Sydney is still in the car. ) Sydney: Vaughn? Vau-- Medic: (opens up her door) Don't worry, we're going to get you out of here. Sydney: Is he okay? Medic: You need to stay still, alright? (Medic prepares a needle for her) Sydney: I don't need anything. I'm fine. (Medic continues filling the syringe with medicine) I don't need any of that. Medic: (into radio) The girl's alive. I'll take care of her. Radio: Copy. Four minutes out. (Sydney gets suspicious) (Medic goes to inject the needle, but Sydney punches him and makes him inject himself. He falls over. She takes off running, straight for the cornfield. One guy yells at her, 2 others start shooting at her. She's being chased through the cornfield. They continue shooting at her. She loses them, but comes upon some pigeons, who fly away. She runs, then stops when she hears a helicopter and sees a guy with a gun who had been chasing her. She attacks him and uses him as a shield so she doesn't get shot by the other man, and takes his gun. She uses the gun to shoot the guy who had been shooting at her. She goes to the edge of the cornfield and sees 2 guys roll Vaughn on a stretcher, to the helicopter. The helicopter takes off. ) (Back in LA, Sydney's talking to a doctor in the examining room.) Doctor: We're going to run a few tests, just as a precaution, but everything appears normal. Sydney: When can I go home? Doctor: Soon. But you're going to have to take it easy. Sydney: Of course. (The doctor leaves the room. Sydney goes over to a table and takes her engagement ring and puts it back on her finger. Enters Gordon Dean. ) Dean: Miss Bristow. How're you feeling? Oh, uh, Gordon Dean, Office of Special Investigations. (holds up ID.) Sydney: Any word on Vaughn? Dean: No, I'm afraid not. I hate to do this now, Agent Bristow, given what you've been through. Sydney: I already called in a report. Dean: Yes, I know. I just need you to clarify a few things, if that's alright with you. (takes out a pen and pad of paper) In your report you indicated that you two were going on vacation. You didn't say where. Sydney: Santa Barbara. Dean: And you were struck about halfway there? Sydney: About that, yeah. Dean: What about before the accident? Did Agent Vaughn anxious, perhaps, preoccupied? Sydney: He seemed relaxed. We were taking a few days off. (Dean nods) You're not writing any of this down. Dean: You're not telling me anything worth writing. Sydney: I'm telling you exactly what I remember. If that's not enough... Dean: You two are engaged. Isn't that correct? Sydney: Yes. Dean: And you understand that marital privilege does not trump matters of national security? Sydney: Of course I do. Dean: I'm asking you to remember where your loyalty lies. Sydney: My loyalty? My fiancee was just abducted-- Dean: Perhaps. That's what we're trying to determing. Sydney: Wait a minute. What are you suggesting? (Enter Jack Bristow.) Jack: (to Dean) Whatever information you need, my daughter will be happy to cooperate. But, uh, she's just been through a traumatic experience. I'm sure you can afford her some time. Dean: Of course, Director Bristow. (to Sydney) We'll talk again. Jack: Thank you. (Dean leaves) Sydney: Dad. Jack: Sydney, when your mother defected, I spent a year in prison because the cia assumed I collaborated with her. Before you say anything that may implicate you, we need to go over your story. Sydney: My story? Dad-what is going on? Jack: Vaughn is currently under investigation. There have been a number of red flags raised by his conduct. Sydney: What red flags? Jack: Langley believes Vaughn ma be a double-agent. We think the crash may have been an extraction. (Somewhere in a simple white room. Vaughn sits in a chair at a table. An interrogator comes in.) Interrogator: Been hearing about you for a long time. (grabs chair from other side of the room and brings it the table and sits) It's nice to finally meet you, Mr. Michaux. (Sydney is on a train, sketching a drawing of someone. She comes to the APO door, and enters. She walks down the hallway. She sees Jack and Dean talking.) Interrogator: You've had a bad day. Vaughn: Where's Sydney? Interrogator: In better shape than you. Your shoulder's dislocated. We'll take care of that. I, uh, (takes out a small package) I believe this was intended for you. (Vaughn stares a the package) Oh, come on. Don't tell me you're not curious. (pause) Open it. (Vaughn does and pulls out a tape recorder. It plays music) Vaughn: Catchy but dated. (tosses the recorder onto the table) (The interrogator picks it up and takes it apart. Pulls out a battery. Opens the battery up and pulls something out. A roll of paper) Interrogator: You mind telling me what this says? Vaughn: (Vaughn unrolls it to reveal a bunch of numbers.) 5-7-3-8-4- Interrogator: We know what this is about. We know who sent it. What we don't know is where's Lehman. Vaughn: Who? Interrogator: You must be in a lot of pain. Maybe that's why your memory is a bit fuzzy. (to guys) Why don't we help Mr. Michaux out? (guy comes and twists Vaughn's arm which is dislocated, and Vaughn screams) (APO. Weiss at his desk talking on a phone) Weiss: (to phone) It flew somewhere. Those helicopters are stealth. They're not invisible. (pause) Then restack the satellites. (Sydney comes up) Call me back with something. Sydney: Any word yet? Weiss: (shakes his head no) No. But there is a guy here from Langley and he's been- Sydney: I know. Why was Vaughn assigned to be my handler? Weiss: What do you mean? Sydney: Six years ago when I walked into that CIA office, why was Vaughn assigned to my case? Weiss: I don't know. He asked for it. You came in, you were all screwed up, you had that freaky red hair, he likes a challenge...Hold on, you're not actually considering this are you? Syd, the idea that he's disloyal, that's insane. Sydney: Yeah. (Guy has Vaughn's face pressed against the tabel.) Interrogator: Just tell us what we want to know. I'm tired of playing these games. Vaughn: Quitter. Ow. Interrogator: Are you really going to hold out until we kill you? (Vaughn doesn't answer) I can respect that. Seems Mr. Michaux needs a little incentive. Go down the hallway to his fiancee. Bring her in. Just her finger. Vaughn: Leave her out of this. Interrogator: And that's up to you, isn't it? The one with the ring. (The man lets go of Vuaghn and starts to leave the room.) Kind of poetic, don't you think? Vaughn: Stop. The message. It's in code. I need a pencil. (APO. Marshall at a computer. Gordan Dean is standing next to him) Dean: Can you speed it up Agent Blinkman? Marshall: Flinkman! With an F sound. Not that hard really. Look, I know you wanted me to access Agent Vaughn's personal files but I'm telling you you're not going to find anything. Dean: No one is judging Agent Vaughn. Marshall: If he was up to something, I'd know about it. We're friends. We do lunch. (pause) Dean: How much longer? (Marshall continues typing) (Sydney is at her desk doing a face search with the sketch she drew earlier, and Dixon comes up) Dixon: Hey. Sydney: Hey. Dixon: How're you holding up? Sydney: What if I was wrong about him? Dixon: Sydney. You remember when we were working at SD-6, that night on the pier? I caught you breaking in to a secure facility. You asked me to trust you, but I didn't. The proof was right in front of me, you were a traitor. If I had to do it over again, I'd give you the benefit of the doubt. Interrogator: Is there a problem? Vaughn: I can't write. Would you mind setting my shoulder? (The interrogator does, Vaughn yells, pauses, then punches the interrogator. He beats up him and the guard. He holds a pencil to the guard's eye.) Vaughn: Where's Sydney? Where is she? Answer me! Guard: She escaped. (Vaughn beats him up) (Two other guys come in with guns. Vaughn has gone through the vent. He runs and jumps out a window into a garbage dumpster. He continues running.) (APO. Sydney's cell phone rings. ) Sydney: (to phone) Hello. Vaughn: (at a pay phone) Sydney, are you okay? Sydney: Thank God. I'm fine. Hang on. (she makes her way to the restroom, Dean sees her leave) Are you okay? Vaughn: I'm fine. Sydney: Where are you? Vaughn: Look, I know you have questions. Sydney: About a million of them. Vaughn: I'll tell you everything as soon as I can, but Sydney, no one can know you're talking to me. I need my father's watch. You need to get it to me. Do you remember the dead drop we used to contact Vesina(?)? The lockers? Sydney: Of course I do. (another woman walks into the restroom) I don't know. Vaughn: Syd, please. I need you to do this for me. Sydney: I need to think about it. (she leaves the restroom and comes face to face with Jack and Dean) Dean: Where is he? Sydney: I don't know what you're talking about. Dean: By withholding information you're only implicating yourself. I'll give you one more chance. Jack: Sydney, I understand your inclination is to protect Vaughn at any costs, but assume you're right, that this wasn't an extraction but Vaughn was abducted, and even if he's escaped he's still in a tremendous amount of danger. If you really want to protect him let us bring him in safely. Sydney: He's in Mexico City. (Cars drive up outside of some building. Dean and some agents get out with guns. Inside the building, Vaughn is walking to a locker. He opens the locker, but it's empty. The guys outside set an explosive on the door to the building. The door explodes. Turns out they are at separate buildings. Sydney comes out of the darkness holding Vaughn's father's watch.) Sydney: Looking for this? (pause) I want the truth. Start with your name. Vaughn: Andre Michaux. I'll tell you the rest on the way. (We see Vaughn and Sydney walking near the street outside.) (Another building. In the hallway) Vaughn: Seven years ago, a woman came to me. Said that he father had been involved in a project. Something people had gone to great lengths to cover up. She said my father was part of it. She said it was called Prophet 5. Sydney: Your father was an agent. Vaughn: Before he joined the CIA. She said his name was Michaux. That he was a mathematician. (they get in an elevator) The day you walked in to the CIA. You described a mission to secure a device made by a man named Mueller. The same man I was told had originated the Prophet 5 project. Now, this was my first proof that this woman's story was true. But whatever it was my father was running away from. He changed his identity, he changed mine. I was 18 months old at the time. This man we're meeting, James Lehman. Renee and I have been trying to find him for years. We believe he worked with our fathers. Sydney: Rene who? Who is this woman? Vaughn: Renee Rienne. Sydney: Vaughn. (The elevator stops working, then it starts again. It stops at a floor, and the doors open. Lehman shines a flashlight right in Vaughn's face. ) Lehman: The watch. Show it to me. (Vaughn does, Lehman turns off the flashlight.) You were supposed to come alone. Vaughn: Whatever you say to me, she can hear. Lehman: Follow me. (APO. Jack and Dean) Dean: I was prepared to bring Agent Vaughn in for questioning. Jack: You think I know where he is. Dean: Oh, I think it's possible, yes. Your daughter, too. Jack: I don't. Dean: Then I have no choice. I am now officially classifying him a fugitive and your daughter an accomplice. Now, if you want me to show her any leniency find her and tell me where she is. Jack: Maybe you should try Mexico City. Dean: You'll be notified when they've been apprehended. (he leaves and passes by Marshall) Marshall: (to Dean) Hey...Mr. Dean. Jack: What is it, Marshall? Marshall: He's not going to find Sydney and Vaughn, not from what I gave him. I encrypted Vaughn's files four thousand ninety-six bit. It'll take him years. I mean he's an a**. Deal with it. Jack: You still have the originals? (Marshall nods) Get them for me. Lehman: Before I start, you should know, your father did everything he could to protect you from this. Vaughn: Mr. Lehman, I want to know about Prophet 5. Lehman: I was a cryptologist. A specialist in patterns. Working for the Pentagon. In 1972, a private foundation recruited me, along with others. Scientists, linguists, the best and the brightest. That's where I met your father. Vaughn: What was the objective? Lehman: We were given one page of the book. La Profeta Cinque. The Fifth Prophet. The fifteenth century text that supposedly had been written in an unbreakable code. Sydney: They wanted you to break the code. (Lehman nods) Were you successful? Lehman: After years, yes. It referred to proteins, amino acids, nucleotides. It seemed to be some sort of advanced genetics five hundred years ahead of its time. Just a few days after we turned in our report your father contacted me. He told me what was happening to the others. Accidents, car crashes, fires, heart attacks, strokes, all people who were involved with the project. So I followed your father's advice. Changed my name, I disappeared. Vaughn: What's changed now? Why did you contact us? Lehman: Over the years, I've developed sources, leads to where the book might be stored. But all my attempts at recovery failed. Sydney: You have another lead. (pause) Lehman: These people, whoever they are-When they know you're on to it, they'll stop at nothing to silence you. Vaughn: I'll contact you when I have the book. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cape Town. Sydney and Vaughn in disguise, arrive at a hotel.) Man: Your invitation, please. (Vaughn and Syd speak in foreign language, probably Italian or French.) Sydney: Honey, show the man. Vaughn: You didn't bring it? Sydney: You were supposed to- Vaughn: No, I specifically asked you-- Sydney: No, when I was getting ready, you asked if I-- Vaughn: I asked if you had room in your purse. Sydney: (In English) My husband is right. It is my fault. Man: Go ahead. Sydney: Merci. (They walk on. Inside they fill a champaigne glass with special liquid. Vaughn distracts the waitor, while Sydney exchanges the glasses. The waitor goes outside with the tray, and a man takes the glass that Sydney put on the tray. Sydney and Vaughn follow and start to dance. ) Sydney: You're waltzing! (giggles) Vaughn: Yup, I've been practicing for our wedding. Sydney: With whom? Vaughn: Weiss. (Sydney laughs. Man who had the champagne glass that Vaughn and Sydney had messed with, collapses. Vaughn goes into an office of some kind and Sydney goes to the junction box. Vaughn opens a shelf to reveal a safe. Sydney calls Vaughn.) Sydney: (to phone) Hey, I found the junction box. Vaughn: Ready when you are. Sydney: It's been customized. Hang on, I'll call you right back. (She calls Dixon and speaks to him.) Remember what you said? If you had to do it over again? Dixon: What do you need? Sydney: Service records. Pan-global security. Serial number 1-6-1-5-4-1-3-1. (Dixon types into a computer: 'SEARCH:// WORK ORDER 1615431 PAN GLOBAL SECURITY CORP'. Meanwhile, Vaughn is still waiting in the office when in walks a young blonde woman carrying a bottle of champagne. She sees Vaughn) Vaughn: Just admiring the collection. Blonde: It's pretty gruesome if you ask me. Dad's really into guns. I think he's overcompensating. Your Walter, aren't you? Vaughn: What gave me away? Blonde: He's always going on about the new guy at work. (She takes a sip from the bottle and moves closer to Vaughn.) Vaughn: Aren't you a little young? (Referring to the bottle.) Blonde: I'm a little young to be stuck at this snore-fest. (Dixon and Sydney are still talking on the phone.) Dixon: Looks like the safe's been re-routed through the central alarm system. You need to re-patch. Do you see a purple wire? Sydney: Yes I do. Dixon: Cut it. Sydney: Got it. Dixon: Okay, tie it to the last terminal. (Vaughn and Blonde in the office.) Blonde: My dad's threatened by you, you know? Vaughn: I very much doubt that. Blonde: Seriously, he's so lame. But you're young. Smart. Cute. You know...this party would be a lot more fun if we were naked. Vaughn: That's not going to happen. (Sydney and Dixon) Sydney: Done. Dixon: Now, Syd, you just need to reset the system and wait. (Sydney presses a button, which beeps) (Vaughn and Blonde in the office.) Vaughn: You know, there are better ways to get back at your father. Blonde: But none involve me....and you. (She leans forward and whispers in Vaughn's ear.) Vaughn: Woah, okay. Hey, you need to leave now, or Dad's going to find out what his little girl's really like. Blonde: Jerk. (She leaves. ) (Syd and Dixon) Sydney: Oh, Dixon, thank you. Dixon: Be safe. (They hang up.) (Vaughn opens up the shelf again, and the safe, and pulls out the book. He's flipping through the pages when in walks the blond, again.) Blonde: Oh, Walter, (Notices what he's doing) Guess you're getting fired. (Presses the button on the alarm system.) (The alarm starts blaring. Sydney and Vaughn start running out of the building. Sydney's cell phone rings, and she answers. ) Sydney: I'm heading to the extraction point. Doctor: Sydney? This is Doctor Park. Your test results are in. Sydney: (walking quickly) Now really isn't the best time. Doctor: You're going to want to hear this. (Sydney reaches the cliff, Vaughn running behind her, tearing off his jacket to reveal a parachute. He catches up with Sydney who's standing with the phone to her ear.) Vaughn: We have to go. (Sydney hangs up) Sydney: The doctor called. I'm pregnant. Vaughn: What? (They hear gunshots and people yelling at them. They jump off the cliff.) (Sloane's jail cell. Sloane is looking through some papers. Jack comes up.) Jack: Arvin. Sloane: Nadia. How is she? Jack: There's been no change. Sloane: I have to get out of here, Jack. If they're not prepared to charge me with a crime, you have to do something. Jack: I am trying to expedite your release. Sloane: It's not enough. My daughter is being kept in a coma. A come, Jack. She is suffering from a condition which no one understands. It is a condition that I am responsible for, with no hope for a cure. I can't help my daughter, sitting in a cell, combing through obscure medical journals. Jack: I know. (Pause) Sloane: I'm sorry Jack, I-you didn't come here for that. What is it? Jack; Are you aware of the off-book trips Vaughn took to Marseilles? Three over the last twelve months. They occurred while you were head of APO. Sloane: If you're looking to find out if I'd tasked him, no. Tell me what this is about. (Jack slips a file through the cell bars. Sloane reads it.) Serbia, 2 years ago. Istanbul, 2001. Are you familiar with Corval(?)? Jack; The raven, Rene Rienne. Sloane: That's right. She's wanted for the assassination of a Turkish Interior Minister in 2001. And for the murders of three CIA agents stationed in Serbia. Jack: Vaughn's movements track with hers. Sloane: Does Sydney know about this? (He gives the file back.) Tell her, Jack. (Somewhere, APO maybe? Dean goes up to a blonde woman working on a computer) Dean: Tell me you have something. Blonde: Four thousand ninety-six bit. Not bad. But whoever screwed with these files used a modified version of DOD's encryption for them. I hacked into NSA's network and pulled the decryption key. Dean: What did you find? Blonde: (Pulls up Vaughn's picture on the computer) Your fugitive used a handful of documented alias's. One of which passed through Italian customs last night. Dean: You're a genius. Blonde: (Turns around. Gasp, it's the same blonde as earlier which set the alarm on Vaughn) Yeah, I know. (Vaughn and Sydney drive up into some parking lot near a train station and some train tracks.) Sydney: He said nine. We're early. (pause) Are we just going to sit here and not talk about the thing we're both thinking about? Where are you with this, Vaughn? I just need to know how you feel. Is it something you want? Vaughn: The truth? Sydney: Of course. Vaughn: What we do, the things we see everyday. Honestly, no, I didn't think this was what I wanted. I mean, bringing a baby into this world, that is so messed up, I just assumed that, that I'd wait, that we'd wait. Sydney: For... Vaughn: For things to be safe, or at least safer. Sydney: Yeah. I get it. Vaughn: But, looking at you, all I can think about is what our kid is going to be like. I'm not worried about the world. I just-I can't wait to meet this-this new little person. Sydney: Really? I mean it's pretty great, right? Vaughn: You're going to be an amazing mom. And I'm going to be a disaster. I've never changed a diaper. Sydney: Neither have I! We're going to have to call Marshall for assist. (Both laughing) Vaughn: Oh, god! (They see Lehman.) Sydney; He's here. You should go. Vaughn: Be right back. (He kisses her. ) Start thinking of names. (He exits the car and walks over to Lehman, who is standing by a train. Vaughn gives him the book.) Vaughn: Can you decode it? Lehman: It'll take a while. When I'm done, I'll contact you. From now on, do not initiate contact with me. (A car drives up behind them. Dean gets out. Two more cars come. Sydney gets out of her car. An oncoming train obscures her vision. Lehman tries to run, but Dean shoots him. Sydney hears the gunshots and starts running over. The train is still passing. Another guy gets out of a car and continues shooting Lehman. Then he turns and starts shooting at Vaughn. Sydney sees them shoot Vaughn. The train finishes passing .Dean takes the book from Vaughn. Dean and his guys get away. Sydney stares at them, in shock, waiting for the train to pass. It goes on, she runs over to Vaughn. She reaches him and tries to stop the bleeding.) (Vaughn in surgery. Doctors stand over him. Sydney sitting outside the room. Jack enters. Sydney stands and g;oes to him.) Sydney: He's still in surgery. No ones come out and told me anything. Jack: I hope you understand what you've done. Sydney: What? Jack: Your heroic efforts to help Vaughn were short-sighted. You acted impetuously without the benefit of the facts. Sydney: You don't know what you're talking- Jack : Sydney. Vaughn is not the person you think. He's been working with a known criminal. Sydney: Rene Reinne. I know. Jack; What on earth prompted you to risk your own life not to mention your professional integrity? Sydney: Dad. Vaughn and I-we're having a baby. There's an explanation for all of this if you'll let me tell you-(A doctor comes out) Is he out of surgery? Doctor: He's in recovery, now. But, the organ damage sustained is significant. So our expectation is that we will stop the bleeding, but...We'll know more in the next 24 hours. Sydney: I need to see him. Doctor: You can wait in his room until he wakes up. (he leaves) Jack: Sydney, I'll do everything I can to help you both. (Sydney looks at him, then leaves. Jack's phone rings, he answers.) Yes? Dixon: (On phone) I just spoke with Director Chase. According to her, Dean wasn't Special Investigations. Went off the grid two years ago. Jack: Status? Dixon: He was presumed dead. (Sydney in Vaughn's hospital room. She rubs his forehead. He's awake. Jack enters. ) Jack: Hi. Gordan Dean is a ghost. Well-placed and well-connected. Sydney: What are we going to do? (APO. Weiss is walking carrying a half-rolled paper. Marshall joins.) Marshall: Hey, I just broke about thirty federal laws. If I get caught I'll be sharing a cell with a guy named Bruno. Weiss: That's white-collared. More like Martha Stewart. (They meet up with Dixon.) Dixon: I've contacted our Italian friend. He's got the passports. He'll coordinate transports as soon as Vaughn is stable. What's the outlook? Jack: (still at hospital, on phone) Sometime in the next 24-48 hours. We hope. Weiss, are you there? Weiss: Yeah, I got the blueprints to the Cape Town building. They are right in front of me. We'll have no problem getting in but we will need two teams. Jack: Give my full authorization. What about Pentagon records? Marshall: Well, I already cross-referenced the 1972 archives for the name Prophet 5. So far no luck. Jack; Keep looking. Go back at least ten years. Someone might have slipped. (He hangs up. He can see Sydney and Vaughn through the window.) (Vaughn's hospital room. ) Sydney: I always liked the name Owen. (She gives him a drink.) Vaughn: Owen. Sounds like something you name a gerbil. Sydney: Clementine is cute. Vaughn: For a fruit. Sydney: It's also a name. Vaughn: It's also a campfire song. Sydney: Okay, you don't like that one. What about Isabelle? Vaughn: Isabelle Vaughn. Isabelle Bristow Vaughn. Sydney: That's pretty. (She starts to tear up) I like that. Vaughn: Me too. Sorry, Syd, I'm getting so tired. Sydney: Close your eyes, I'll be right here. Vaughn: Syd, I love you. Sydney: I love you too. (She kisses him, and then kisses his forehead.) (She walks over to the window. Things start to beep. Vaughn is flatlining. The computer flashes 'Heart Failure'. Doctors rush in. Sydney is taken out of the room, where she stands by the window, watching. The doctors try to revive him but there's not much they can do. She starts to cry. Her hand goes to cover her mouth. She looks back at Jack. Then back at Vaughn. She's crying. The blinds covering the window close.) (Later. Vaughn's Hospital room. Sydney is sitting by the bed holding onto his hand. Doctors come in and cover his face with a blanket. Jack watches them wheel Vaughn out of the room. Sydney comes out of the room. Jack moves his head slightly, and so does Sydney.) (Church. Vaughn's funeral. A pastor is standing over the congregation. Sydney sits next to Jack. Two people open the church doors. The pastor walks out followed by Dixon, Marshall, Weiss, Jack, and two other guys carrying Vaughn's coffin. Sydney walks behind. They put the coffin in a hearse. Sydney stands by the church doors. Jack turns back and looks at her. ) (London. 4 Months Later. In a bar. Sydney walks up, in disguise. Sits on a stool. A woman passes by. She is Rene Reinne.) Rene: Help you? Sydney: You're a hard person to find. But if I can do it, then so can they. Rene: Sorry, I have no idea what you are talking about. Sydney: I know who you are, Rene. (Rene shakes her head.) We need to talk. Rene: We have nothing to talk about. (She reaches for a gun under the counter.) Sydney: It's about Michael Vaughn. Rene: You're Sydney. Sydney: Yeah. Rene: How did you find me? Sydney: I know everything. Rene: Then you should have walked away. Sydney: You don't know me very well.	Plan: A: Sydney; Q: Who runs away from the helicopter crash? A: Vaughn; Q: Who is taken away in a helicopter by an unknown group? A: the car crash; Q: What did Sydney and Vaughn survive that concluded the fourth season? A: an emergency medical team; Q: What did the group pretend to be? A: Los Angeles; Q: Where does Sydney learn that Vaughn is suspected of being a double agent? A: a possible "extraction; Q: What is the car crash referred to as? A: Mexico City; Q: Where is Vaughn interrogated by a mysterious man? A: Mr. Michaux; Q: What does the man who interrogates Vaughn call him? A: his captors; Q: Who did Vaughn break free from? A: his father's watch; Q: What does Vaughn ask Sydney to bring him? A: André Michaux; Q: What is Vaughn's real name? A: a project; Q: What is Prophet Five? A: South Africa; Q: Where is Cape Town? A: the book; Q: What does Vaughn give to the man in Italy? A: her doctor; Q: Who called Sydney to tell her she was pregnant? A: Italy; Q: Where did Vaughn meet the man who was in Prophet Five? A: a hospital; Q: Where is Vaughn taken after being shot? A: Isabelle; Q: What is the name of the baby that Vaughn and Sydney name? A: his heart; Q: What part of Vaughn fails? A: Jack; Q: Who tries to get Arvin Sloane out of jail? A: Nadia Santos; Q: Who is in a coma? A: Four months later; Q: When does Sydney find Renée Rienne? A: London; Q: Where does Sydney find Renée Rienne? A: Renée Rienne; Q: Who is "The Raven"? Summary: Sydney and Vaughn survive the car crash that concluded the fourth season; however, Vaughn is taken away in a helicopter by an unknown group posing as an emergency medical team while Sydney runs away. Upon returning to Los Angeles, Sydney learns that Vaughn is under suspicion of being a double agent, and the car crash was a possible "extraction". In Mexico City, Vaughn is interrogated by a mysterious man who refers to Vaughn as "Mr. Michaux". The man wants Vaughn to decipher a piece of paper that is encoded, and threatens to hurt Sydney if Vaughn doesn't tell him what is on the piece of paper. However, Vaughn breaks free of his captors, calls Sydney, and requests that she bring his father's watch to him. After arriving, Vaughn tells her that his real name is André Michaux. Vaughn then takes Sydney with him to meet a man who is in Prophet Five, a project that Vaughn's father was also in. While in Cape Town, South Africa to retrieve the book, Sydney receives a phone call from her doctor saying she is pregnant. Later, while meeting with the man in Italy, Vaughn hands over the book, but he, along with the man, are shot multiple times. Vaughn is rushed to a hospital where Sydney and he pick a name for their baby: Isabelle. Vaughn then dies after his heart fails. Meanwhile, Arvin Sloane is in jail, pleading with Jack to get him out so he can help Nadia Santos, who is still in a coma. Four months later, Sydney goes to London and finds Renée Rienne, or "The Raven", a known criminal and assassin with whom Vaughn had been working to uncover the secrets of Prophet Five.
Act One. Scene A: The Radio Station. Frasier is taking a call. Frasier: ...and though washing one's hands twenty to thirty times a day would be considered obsessive/compulsive, please bear in mind that your husband is a coroner. Thank you for your call, Jeanine. Roz, whom do we have next? Roz: We have Ethan on line three, and he's having a little problem at school. Frasier: Hello, Ethan. I'm listening. Ethan: Hi, Dr. Crane. Frasier: How old are you? Ethan: I'm thirteen. Frasier: Ah well, what can I do for you? Ethan: Well, I'm having a lot of problems with the other kids at school. They're always beating me up. Frasier: Why do you think that's so? Ethan: Probably because I'm smart. I have a 160 IQ. I'm in the astronomy club and I hate sports. Frasier: Well, you know, Ethan, the other children are just acting out of jealousy and immaturity, and I... I know it doesn't help much right now, but the day will come in the next few years when you will have the last laugh. Ethan: ...That's it? Frasier: [surprised] Yes. Ethan: Frankly, Dr. Crane, I find that advice patronizing, simplistic and, in all candor, uninspired. The real surprise here is that they pay you to dole out this balloon juice. Frasier: Ethan, where are you calling from? Ethan: Home. Frasier: Well, if any of Ethan's classmates are listening, you know where he is, and he can't stay in there forever. Roz laughs. Frasier: [maliciously] Thank you for your call! [disconnects Ethan] Well, that's about it for today. This is Frasier Crane, KACL Talk Radio, 780 AM. He goes off the air and then crosses into Roz's booth. Frasier: Well Roz, I thought that was a pretty good show, didn't you? Roz: [touching up her makeup] Yeah, sure. Whatever you say. Frasier: You seem a bit distracted there, Roz. You got another one of your hot dates? Roz: If you must know, yes. Noel Shempsky puts his head round the door. Noel: Pick you up outside in five minutes? Roz: Great. Thanks, Noel. He give Roz the thumbs up sign and leaves. Frasier: Noel? Noel Shempsky from Sales, that's who your date's with? Roz: Well, it's not a date. We're just going out for a drink, okay? Frasier: Noel the Mole? Roz: I know, he's not great-looking. I know he drives a '73 Dodge Polaris. But he's always struck me as a really interesting guy. Frasier: Mm-hmm... Roz: Look, the world is loaded with superficial guys. You know, I just want to go out with someone who has a good heart. He's smart. He's substantial - and you know, considering my track record lately I would hope you'd support me. Is that asking too much? Frasier: Does Noel still have that autographed picture of Captain Kirk in his cubicle? Roz: Why do I tell you anything? She leaves. [SCENE_BREAK] BOY N THE HOOD Scene B: Frasier's Apartment, kitchen. Daphne is baking as Niles enters. Niles: Knock, knock. Can I be of any assistance? Daphne: Oh, no thank you, Dr. Crane, I think I have everything under control. Niles: Do you mind if I linger then? I've always been sort of a kitchen person. He goes to lean on the cooker and knocks a ladle tumbling. Daphne: Suit yourself. I like the company. As they converse, Niles tries, but fails, to boost himself onto the worktop to sit. Niles: How's dad's therapy going? Daphne: Well, we're getting more mobility in his hip, and his flexibility's improving, but it's always a chore to get him to do his exercises. Of course, I've found the secret is if I bribe him with sweets... Niles takes a jump at the worktop and bangs his head on the extraction hood, bounces off the fridge and ends up on the floor. Daphne: Oh my goodness! Daphne kneels on the floor, cradles his head in her lap and strokes it. Daphne: Dr. Crane! Dr. Crane, can you get up? Niles: No. No, I think I'd better stay here for a few minutes. Frasier enters the kitchen, having heard the crash. Frasier: Dear God, I thought I heard...! Niles, what are you doing? [drags Niles to his feet] Daphne: I'm afraid he conked his head, on the hood there. Frasier: [to Niles] You are shameless! Niles: Frasier, I have a very sore head and a crackerjack lawyer, so don't crowd me. Daphne: Here. [gives Niles a wet cloth] Put this on it. Niles: Oh, thank you, Daphne. You've been wonderful in this time of crisis. Frasier: Oh, come on, Camille! He pulls Niles out into the dining area. Frasier: I need to talk to you. Here, have a seat, right here. Now listen Niles, I'm having a young lady over on Friday night, I was hoping you could take Dad out for me. Niles: Oh, I wish you'd said Saturday. Frasier: Why, you have plans Friday? Niles: No, I have plans Saturday. Frasier: Niles, just tell me that you'll do this for me? Niles: Oh, all right. Frasier: Thank you. Niles: So... does this mean you're hoping to get lucky Friday night? Frasier: Oh Niles, please. Nobody refers to having sx as "getting lucky" anymore. Niles: I do. Martin enters, with Eddie. Martin: Hello, boys. Niles: Hey, Dad. Frasier: Hi, Dad. [motions to Niles to do his party piece] Niles: Dad? I was wondering if you'd be interested in joining Maris and me Friday night. We're dying to try the new rib joint that's opened on Bellevue Way. I understand if the onion rings aren't as big as your head you get them for free. He sounds uncomfortable just with the vocabulary. Martin: Well thanks, Niles, but I thought I'd spend a quiet evening at home. Niles: Oh, well then... [Frasier pushes him] Better yet, why don't you come to our house? We'll make dinner, and we'll even rent an Angie Dickinson film. Frasier: Ooh! Martin: All right, what's going on? Frasier wants me out of here because he has a date or something? Beat. Niles: I'm sorry, Frasier, he sees things that others don't. Frasier: Well, I'm sorry, Dad. I guess I should have asked you myself. Martin: Oh, that's all right. [sitting in his chair] Yeah, I'll clear out. But just remember, one hand washes the other around here. Frasier: What does that mean? Martin: Well, as long as I'm clearing out for you Friday night, you can clear out for me Thursday night. I've got a date with Elaine Morris from 14-12. Frasier: Oh! Well, well. How long has this been going on? As Martin talks, Niles stands behind his chair, grinning widely. Martin: Oh, she's had me over for coffee a couple of times. Just thought I'd like to have her over here for dinner. [without looking back] Niles, wipe that stupid smirk off your face. [Niles looks offended] What do you say, Frasier? Frasier: Well, sure Dad. I think that's terrific. Oh listen, if there's a lull in the conversation, we've got all kind of board games back here in the closet, we got playing cards - does she like to play Canasta? Niles: Oh! - and PBS is running a wonderful documentary on the swing bands of the 30's and 40's. Frasier: Ooh, wow... Martin: Well, thanks a lot for all your help, boys, but I think we'll just split a bowl of creamed corn, rub a little liniment into each other's joints and fall asleep drooling on the couch! [SCENE_BREAK] FOOT IN MOUTH DISEASE Scene C: Frasier's Apartment, Kitchen. Friday morning. Daphne is making breakfast at the stove. Frasier comes in wearing his dressing gown and pours himself coffee. Frasier: Morning, Daphne. Daphne: Good morning, Dr. Crane. I want to thank you again for the show last night. I've never been to experimental theatre before. Frasier: Don't mention it. It was my pleasure. Daphne: Well, I think I understood most of it. Only what did it mean when the naked man came in, carrying a suitcase? Frasier: [after a pause] I think it meant that he's packed too much. Daphne: Well, I'm sure your father appreciated having us out of the house. Frasier notices a smell in the air. Frasier: What is that heavenly aroma? Daphne: I decided to prepare us a traditional English breakfast. We have eggs, bangers - or as you call them, sausages - and to finish it off... She opens the oven. Daphne: A batch of Grammy Moon's famous sticky buns! Frasier: [smelling] Oh my, that's it! Daphne: Grammy made these every Sunday. 'Course, she added a pint of rum to the recipe. And nobody liked these more than Grammy herself. Many's the Sunday I'd head over to her house after church, only to find her out in the garden in her wedding dress, facedown in the birdbath. Martin enters. Martin: Morning. Frasier: Morning, dad. So... How was your date last night, huh? Ha, boy, feels strange, you know? A son asking his father how his date was last night... Elaine walks in, pinning in one of her earrings. Frasier: When he could ask the date herself! Martin: Elaine, this is Daphne Moon, my son Frasier Crane, Elaine Morris. [they all shake hands] Frasier: So... so, it's a pleasure to meet you, Elaine. It's ah... I know that dad's wanted to have you for a long time - I mean, for dinner! Elaine: Yes. Well, I certainly enjoyed it. But you know, Martin, I... I really should be going. Martin: Oh no, no. You should at least stay for breakfast, shouldn't she, Fras? Frasier: Oh yes, absolutely. Elaine: Well, I guess I could stay for coffee. Frasier: Splendid, splendid, splendid. So uh - so uh... what did you two kids do last night? Did you ah, play some games? Well, I mean, board games! Not that you were bored - or excited... well, not that I'd know anything - or should! But ah... warm buns, Elaine? No, no, not yours! I mean ours, ours! [picks up Daphne's sticky buns] To eat, you see. Have one, I'll have one! Warm! Martin: Why don't we go sit at the table? Elaine: Okay... [she goes out] Martin: [as he follows her, to Frasier] What the hell's wrong with you? Frasier: I don't know! They carry breakfast out to the dining area. Elaine: Well, uh... Frasier, you know, I really love your radio show. My friends and I listen to it almost every day. Frasier: Thank you. That's always lovely to hear. Silence. Martin: Elaine's a buyer at Beaumarchais. Frasier: Oh really, really? I do-do a great deal of shopping there. As a matter of fact, I bought the comforter on dad's bed there, and, well, I supposed you noticed that... maybe you didn't - I mean, I don't know if you had the lights on, or... I mean, I don't know how you like it... I mean, how you... light it! How you like to light it! Daphne comes in with a large plate of sausage patties. Frasier is thankful for a change of subject and seizes it. Frasier: Oh, banger, dad? Elaine chokes on her coffee. Frasier cringes, realizing. Elaine: [making for the door] You know, I really should be going, I've got to get ready for work, it was nice meeting you Daphne, and uh, Frasier. Thanks for a lovely evening, Martin. Martin: I'll call you later. Elaine: Yeah. She leaves. Frasier: [to Daphne] You couldn't have served bacon? Daphne: Me?! The way you were carrying on, I think we can be thankful I didn't make Toad in the Hole! [exits to kitchen] Martin: Well, you handled that smoothly, Dr. Crane. Frasier: I'm sorry, dad. It just, really caught me off guard. Martin: Ah, that's ok. I really ought to apologize. I should have warned you, but... I really didn't think it was going to happen. [smiles] I'm pretty glad it did! Frasier: So, you like Elaine? Martin: I like Elaine. Frasier: So, dad... Martin: Yeah, yeah... Frasier: You're back on the beat! Martin: All right. Frasier: Lock up your daughters! Martin: Okay, okay. Frasier: Oh, come on, you old... Martin: Frasier, don't push it! End of Act One. Act Two. Scene A: Radio Station. Roz is introducing the next caller. Roz: One line one we have Marianne, she's concerned about her daughter. Frasier: [on air] Hello Marianne, I'm listening. Marianne: Kids - you can't live with them, you can't shove them back in the womb. Frasier: Well, as we try to forget the image that that summons up, how can I help you, Marianne? Marianne: Well, two days ago, Judy, my twenty-two year old, arrived home for a visit with her boyfriend. I insisted that they sleep in separate bedrooms. She got furious with me, and she's been giving me dirty looks all week. Am I completely out of line here? Frasier: Not at all. I, I think that in your own house you make up the rules. Marianne: Thank you. Frasier: But... are we sure there isn't something else going on here? Perhaps you're having a problem thinking of your daughter as an adult. You see, we all have a tendency to freeze people in roles with which we are most comfortable. Especially when it comes to that old bugaboo, sx. You know, let me use myself as an example. As many of you know, my sixty-three year old father recently moved in with me and, just this morning over coffee, I discovered he had spent the night in his room with a delightful creature named Elaine. The entire thought of my father as a man with normal sexual urges. To me he was always old plain old Dad. Well, that's absurd. My father is a witty, virile, charming man, possessed of the hereditary Crane good looks, and what I suppose I'm driving at is, that sexuality is a healthy part of adulthood, at any age. I think it's time we embrace that, don't you, Marianne? Maryanne: Sorry, Dr. Crane, I gotta go. I'm hearing noises from the guest room. [hangs up] Frasier: Well, as Marianne rushes to the guest room with a bucket of ice water, we will pause for these messages. [off air] Roz: Hey Frasier, that was a really good show. Frasier: Oh, thank you. I thought so too. Noel walks in. Noel: Hi, Dr Crane. [lovelorn] Hi, Roz. Roz: Hi, Noel. Noel: I had a great time last night. Roz: Me, too. Noel: I made you this spice rack. [hands it over] I especially treated The back for easy wall adhesion. Roz: [who has already found that out] That was very thoughtful of you, Noel. Noel: Well um, I gotta run. I'll call you later. [gives the Vulcan peace salute] Live long and prosper. He leaves. Frasier: Ooh look, there's a place for cumin, most people overlook that. Roz: Just kill me. Scene B: Frasier's Apartment. Martin and Daphne are there. Martin is furious. Martin: I don't understand it. Why would he say something like that on the radio? Daphne: Did you know, when you get angry your ears turn red? [Martin glares at her] See? There they go. Frasier arrives. Frasier: Evening, everyone. Daphne: I'll be going to my room right now. [leaves, hurriedly] Frasier: Hello, Eddie. [Eddie chases after Daphne] Well, I seem to have cleared the room. Martin: I want to talk to you, mister. Frasier: Oh, sounds like someone's being taken out behind the woodshed. Martin: Don't tempt me. Where the hell do you get off talking about my personal life on your radio program? Frasier: Are you discussing what I said about you and Elaine? Martin: You're damned right I am. I've never been so embarrassed in my Life. Frasier: But dad, everything I said was flattering. Martin: Oh, yeah. Telling all of Seattle about your old dad shacking up with the neighbor lady. Frasier: Oh, come on you old swordsman, I thought you'd get a kick out of it. Martin: Knock it off, Frasier. Thanks to you Elaine won't even talk to me anymore. Frasier: What for? Just because of a harmless remark I made on the radio? Martin: Hey, for your information, people of our generation think sx is a private thing. And I still think that's a pretty healthy way of looking at it. sx is something between you, and the person you're doing it to! Frasier: Well, don't you think she's overreacting? Martin: Put yourself in her place. She takes a chance and spends the night with me. Next thing she knows, it's being broadcast all over Seattle. I mean, her friends heard it and called her. She's so embarrassed she's never been out of the house all day, she won't even answer the phone now. Frasier: I'm sorry, dad. Martin: Your sympathy touches me! Frasier: Well look, look. I caused a problem here, and I will take care of it. Martin: Yeah? Well, I'll be in my room, holding my breath. He exits. Eddie bounces over to stare at Frasier. Frasier: I said I'd take care of it! Scene C: Radio Station. Both Frasier and Roz are bored, listening to a caller (Al), who has the most tedious voice, ever. Al: [on air; tired, listless monotone] I hate my voice. I mean, I know no-one likes the sound of their own voice, especially when they hear it on tape. Because it doesn't sound as good as it does in their own head. But I hate my voice in my head too. [Frasier finds himself a backscratcher. Roz is eating Chinese takeout in her booth.] Al: And you can't get away from your own voice either, you know. I've tried not listening to myself when I talk. But I find myself kinda saying things that don't make a lot of sense... Frasier starts playing around with the backscratcher, making Roz laugh. He rolls down his sleeve and holds out the backscratcher like it's his hand, putting it to his face in shock, then scratching his armpit. Al: I hate my voice so much, I had to call a neighbor in to do the message on my answering machine. I don't like his voice very much either, but it's better than mine... Roz sticks two chopsticks in her mouth and holds her arms to her sides like flippers, pretending to be a walrus. Frasier laughs. Al: Not that I get a lot of calls... Roz slips out of her chair and tumbles to the floor. Frasier is alarmed for a second, but unable to stop laughing. Al: Well, you go figure. Any advice, Dr Crane? Quickly, Frasier and Roz resume their positions, though neither of them has been listening to Al. Frasier: Yes, yes uh, just go on with what you're doing, and everything should turn out all right. Thank you for your call. [line off] Now, I'd like to end today's show on something of a personal note. I'm talking to one person in my audience. Elaine - you wouldn't answer my phone calls, you wouldn't come to the door, so I hope you're listening. And if you are, I want to apologize for what I said on the radio. I took something that was of a private nature and turned it into public knowledge. I promise I will never do that again - well, except for this time, then I promise I'll never do it again. You see, the saddest thing is, Elaine, that uh, that dad is paying for my mistake. He cues Roz, who starts playing a tape of "Moon River." Frasier: Elaine... Martin cares for you. And he misses you very much. More than anything in the world, he'd like to be back together with you. And if you feel for him the way he feels for you, I hope you'll find it in your heart to come to my place tonight, at eight o' clock, for dinner. A very romantic dinner. Thanks, Elaine. This is KACL 780 AM, talk radio. And I'm Frasier Crane... the Love Doctor. He crosses his fingers at Roz, then goes to commercial. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene D: Frasier's Apartment. He and Daphne are laying a romantic dinner table for two. Frasier softly sings, "Moon River." Frasier: Ah. Well, the champagne's chilled, a platter of hors d'oeuvres, how are things in the kitchen? Daphne: The roast is out of the oven. It looks beautiful. Frasier: God, I hope this works, Daphne. Daphne: Well, I've been sending Elaine psychic messages all day. Frasier: You're kidding. You can transmit? I thought you were just a receiver. Daphne: Well, I'm giving it a try. You know, "Elaine in 14-10, come to dinner, come to dinner". Frasier: That's very charming, Daphne, but Elaine's in 14-12. Daphne: Oh dear. I guess I'd better set an extra place at the table, then. Martin enters from the bedroom, wearing a suit. Martin: Ah look, it's eight o' clock and I'm still a pumpkin. Frasier: Dad, it is two minutes to eight, and why don't you just sit down and relax? Martin: Oh, this is stupid. She probably didn't even hear your show. [then] Does this tie go with the jacket? Daphne: You look smashing. Martin: Oh, who the hell am I kidding? She's not going to show up. I don't know why I even- [the doorbell chimes] Frasier: May I suggest we just skip the first course, which is crow, and move directly to the hors d'oeuvres? Martin: Just shut up and answer the door. Frasier: All right. Frasier opens the front door to find a crowd of people standing there. Marjorie: Excuse me, is this the Crane residence? Frasier: Yes it is. Marjorie: Well, we've been waiting here for the last fifteen minutes. Did Elaine show up, or did we miss her? Frasier: Who are all you people? Woman: We heard your show today. Marjorie: Oh, it was so romantic, we all have our fingers crossed. Frasier: Yes, very kind. Marjorie: I'm Marjorie, from down on eleven... Frasier: Hello, Marjorie. Marjorie: And this is Norman... Frasier: Hello, Norman. It's a pleasure. Marjorie: And the rest of these people I don't know. Frasier: Nice to see you all. [sees the doorman] Tony? Tony, what are you doing here? For God's sakes, shouldn't you be watching the door? Tony: Oh, don't worry, we're all locked in. I have GOT to find out how this ends, Doc. Martin: [coming to door] What's going on out here? Marjorie: Is that him? The crowd start ooh-ing and aah-ing. Frasier: People, people, please. Don't you have lives of your own? For God's sake, beat it, scoot, scat.. Martin: What's happening? Frasier: This is a private situation here... The lift doors open, revealing Elaine. The crowd goes wild. Shocked, Elaine tries to retreat, Frasier attempts to pull her into the apartment. Frasier: Please, please, come out here. Elaine: No, I'm going home. Frasier: All right then, dad, dad you come in here. [hustles Martin into the lift] All right everybody, back off, just back off! Just give us some time, please! The doors close, leaving Elaine, Martin, and Frasier in the lift. Elaine: Oh, I knew I should never have come up here, nothing's changed. Frasier: Elaine, please let me try to explain. Martin: You've done enough. Frasier: Oh dad, please, what do you happen to know... Martin: Frasier, over there! [points to corner] Frasier: Dad! Martin: Turn around! Frasier does so. Martin: Look Elaine, I'm sorry about what happened. You've got every right to be mad. But I thought what we had was pretty good, and thanks to Radio Boy here, I think most of Seattle agrees with me. I'd sure hate to lose it, just because of one stupid thing. Come on, Elaine. I had a great time on our date the other night. You gonna tell me you don't feel the same way? You may not remember... but I have warm toes. Elaine melts a little and smiles. Frasier glances back in surprise, but Martin turns him round again with a glare. Martin: Anyway, it's your choice, but I sure wish you'd come and have dinner with me. The lift reaches the fourteenth floor. Elaine thinks for a moment then presses the button for the nineteenth. She turns around to embrace Martin, then notices Frasier smiling at them. Elaine: Who said you could turn around? Frasier turns back to the wall. In the hallway outside Frasier's apartment, the crowd is still there. Marjorie: Look, it's coming back up! The doors open, revealing Martin and Elaine in a clinch. The crowd ooh and aah again. Martin: [as he and Elaine enter apartment] All right, everyone. You've had your fun. Show's over. Nothing more to see. Go back to your homes. Frasier: Yes, please folks. Honor what the man says. Thank you so much for coming. Thank you for your concern. Let's expedite this departure please, if you would. [the crowd leaves] Thank you so much. Goodbye. [Daphne joins him] Daphne: Well, I suppose we should give them their privacy. Frasier: Yes. Yes, I suppose you're right. It's ironic, isn't it? My sixty-three year old father with a bum hip is about to embark on a night of romance, while the two of us, man and woman, both attractive and eligible, and in the prime of our lives, have nothing to do on a Saturday night. Daphne: You know, the answer to our problems may be right under our noses. Frasier: Yes Daphne, I think it is. Daphne: All right. You go claim the washing machines, I'll go get the laundry. End of Act Two. [SCENE_BREAK] Noel sneaks into Roz's booth and leaves a present. He then sits in her chair, which he falls off when Roz walks in and discovers him.	Plan: A: Frasier; Q: Who is surprised to learn that Martin has been sleeping with a woman from his building? A: his next show; Q: When does Frasier broadcast the fact that Martin has been sleeping with a woman? A: Noel Shempsky; Q: Who is Roz going out with? A: a Star Trek addict; Q: What is Noel Shempsky's hobby? Summary: Frasier is surprised to learn that Martin has been sleeping with a woman from his building. He then broadcasts this fact in his next show, embarrassing the woman and infuriating Martin. Feeling guilty, Frasier resolves to get them back together. Roz is going out with Noel Shempsky, a Star Trek addict.
Scene: The apartment. Penny and Amy are playing a ski-ing game. Penny: Wow, you're really good at this. Amy: Well, I have an extremely low centre of gravity. I'm like a pyramid. Penny: How you doing over there? Leonard: Oh, I hope it's just a sprain. I cannot walk into that E.R. with another video game injury. Penny: Hey, Sheldon, you want to play next? Sheldon: Oh, I would, but I'm on my way out. Leonard: Where? Sheldon: Texas. Amy: Right now? Why? Leonard: Is someone sick? Sheldon: Yes. My sister's uterus came down with a baby. Penny: Oh, she's pregnant? That's great. You're gone an uncle. Uncle Sheldon. Sheldon: No, I will be Uncle Dr. Cooper. Amy: How come you never said she was pregnant? Sheldon: Well, I never told you about my brother's kidney stone. You want to hear about everything that comes out of my family's genitals? Leonard: Well, congrats, and it's nice you're gonna be there for your sister. Sheldon: Yes. I'm filling in for her husband who's recovering from a horrible motorcycle accident. Lucky duck. Penny: Wow, so, how long will you be gone? Sheldon: Well, she's due tomorrow. Although it did take her six years to finish high school, so who knows? Amy: Can I give you a ride to the airport? Sheldon: Oh, no, thank you, I don't want to be an inconvenience. Chop-chop, Leonard. We leave in ten minutes. Credits sequence. Scene: The apartment. Leonard: All right, here's the deal. Sheldon is gone, so the tree decorating rules are out the window. Penny: Yeah, which means we don't have to use his ridiculous ornament-spacing template. Leonard: And I'm happy to report its kickstarter campaign is holding strong at zero dollars. Penny: Ah. Raj: Wait, so Star Wars and Star Trek characters can go on the same branch? Leonard: I know, it's crazy. Welcome to the Thunderdome, people. (All whoop) Howard: I've never done this before. It's kind of fun. Raj: Yeah, if your mom could see her little Bar Mitzvah boy right now, she'd have a heart attack. Bernadette: Good idea, I'll take a picture. Penny: Honey, I'm a little strapped for cash this year, so for Christmas I was thinking of giving you this. Leonard: I love it. Penny: Okay. Leonard: But it is what you got me last year. Penny: Yeah. Leonard: And last night. Stuart: Hello. Various: Hey, Hi, Stuart. etc Stuart: Oh, good, I'm glad you guys didn't wait for me to start. Although you said seven and it's, it's seven, but that's fine. Amy (ringing from tablet): Oh, it's probably Sheldon. Hi, Sheldon. Everybody's here, say hi. Penny: Hi. Leonard: Hey, buddy. Raj: Hey. Howard: Howdy. Bernadette: Hi. Stuart: Hello. Sheldon: The second I go out of town you throw a Christmas party without me? Amy: Yeah, kinda. Sheldon: That's so thoughtful. You guys are the best. Penny: Hey, how's your sister? Sheldon: She went into labor an hour ago. Amy: That's wonderful. So you're at the hospital? Sheldon: No, she chose to have a home birth because she wants to live in the Stone Age and a cave wasn't available. Raj: You know, many people believe that home births are better because the mother is in a warm, comfortable environment where she can be nurtured by loved ones. Sheldon: And turn the bedroom floor into an amniotic Slip 'n Slide. Mrs Cooper (off): Shelly, come on. Your sister's fully dilated and she wants a nice family picture before there's blood everywhere. Sheldon: Oh, boy. I picked the wrong day to wear my good robot T-shirt. Raj: If you were having Sheldon's baby would you really want him in the room? Penny: Yeah, if he's in the room when they're making the baby, I'll give you ten dollars. Bernadette: Hey, I brought over It's a Wonderful Life if you guys want to watch it later. Amy: Oh, I love that movie. Raj: I've never seen it. Stuart: Me neither. Amy: It's great. It's Christmastime and Jimmy Stewart's really depressed and he's gonna jump off a bridge and kill himself. Stuart: Don't need to see it. Living it. Bernadette: But then he gets to see what the world would be like if he'd never been born. Penny: Hey, you ever imagine what that would be like? Not being born? Leonard: (Knock, knock, knock) What do you think? (Knock, knock, knock) What do you think? (Knock, knock, knock) What do you think? Amy: You make jokes about Sheldon, but if it weren't for him, I don't think any of us would be sitting in this room right now. Howard: Really? Sheldon not being here is the main reason I'm in this room. Amy: It's true. None of you would know me. You wouldn't know Bernadette. You wouldn't be dating Penny. Leonard: You don't know that. I've been going to the Cheesecake Factory for years. I could have picked her up. (General laughter) Penny: Oh, you weren't joking. Leonard: No. Penny: Okay, sweetie, let me tell you exactly how that would have gone down. Fantasy sequence in Cheesecake Factory. Leonard: I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna ask her out. Howard: I'm gonna squirt chocolate milk out of my nipples. Sorry, I thought we're saying things that are never gonna happen. Raj: Maybe this time he's going to do it. Howard: Hope you're thirsty, here it comes. Leonard: Watch me. Penny: Hey, you guys ready to order or you need a few minutes? Leonard: I, uh, ah, um, I... Penny: A few minutes it is. Raj: You didn't ask her out, but that was a lot of sounds. Leonard: You guys are making me nervous. Howard: Fine, then go talk to her on your own. Leonard: I will. Excuse me. Penny: Yeah? Leonard: Hi, uh, um, I'm Leonard? Penny: Really? You don't sound so sure. Leonard: No, I am he. Uh, any, anyway, um, there's been something I've wanted to ask you for a long time. Um. Penny: What's that? Leonard: Eh, uh, well, I was wondering, if you're not too busy, um, uh, if, if you'd be interested in telling me where the restroom is? Penny: I think you're too late. End fantasy sequence Leonard: Come on, I would not have peed my pants. Howard: She nailed it. Raj: Sounds about right. Leonard: But, you forget, I did ask you out in real life. Amy: Which couldn't have happened if you didn't live across the hall from her, which couldn't have happened without Sheldon. Same goes with you guys. If Leonard wasn't with Penny, she never would have set you up. Howard: Doesn't matter. Bernadette still would've been working at The Cheesecake Factory, and I still would've been working this beefcake factory. You would've been all over me. Bernadette: Well... Fantasy sequence in the Cheesecake Factory. Bernadette: Hey, Penny, can I take that table? Penny: Sure, why? Bernadette: The one in the turtleneck is cute. Raj: Open wide, here comes the happy train. Howard: Mm-hmm, chug-a-chug-a, yum, yum. Raj: Oh. Hang on. You got a, you got a little something. Ah. Bernadette: Never mind. End fantasy sequence. Raj: Oh, man, that is so us. Leonard: You know, maybe you and I wouldn't be together, but you wouldn't have done so great yourself. Penny: Why? Leonard: Because I know exactly the kind of guy you would've ended up with. Fantasy sequence in Penny's apartment. Zack: Hey, babe. Penny: Hey. Did you remember to pay the rent? Zack: Better. I used the money to buy these magic beans. End fantasy sequence. Penny: Hey, he may be an idiot, but at least he didn't pee himself. Leonard: Oh, hold on. Fantasy sequence. Zack: Aw, babe, I peed myself. Penny: Me, too. End fantasy sequence. Leonard: The end. Amy (Tablet ringing): Hi, Sheldon. Everything okay? Sheldon: No, it's not. I've seen things. Lady things. Amy: Listen to me. That is not the way they usually look. Sheldon: Doesn't matter. This is no way to make new humans. People coming out of people. It's some kind of dirty magic show. Mrs Cooper (off): Sheldon Lee Cooper. You get back in this room right now. And bring a mop. Sheldon: Did you hear that? A mop. I have two PhDs yet somehow I'm the janitor of my sister's birth canal. Leonard: Hey, Sheldon sent us all an e-mail. Happy holidays from Texas. And there's pictures. Aah! Don't open them. Do not open them. Penny: Oh, come on. Childbirth is a natural, beautiful, uuurgh, it's like someone sawed a cow in half. Raj: My father's a gynaecologist, I think I can handle it. And, now, I'm gay. Bernadette: You know, I was thinking. Without Sheldon, most of us would have never met, but Penny would still live across from him. Amy: And with Leonard out of the picture, we all know what that would mean. Penny: We do? Fantasy sequence in the Laundry Room. Penny: Hey, Sheldon. Sheldon: Hello. Penny: Doing laundry? Sheldon: Of course I'm doing laundry. Saturday night is laundry night, and I'm in a laundry room, so, I believe your inference is justified. Penny: Oh, my inference is justified. Sheldon, you are so funny. Anyway, I need to do my laundry, too, because these clothes are so dirty. Almost as dirty as the dirty girl who's wearing them. End fantasy sequence. Penny: Okay, that's enough. Leonard: Disagree. Raj: Keep going. Howard: More. Fantasy sequence. Penny: So, what do you think? Sheldon: A tad asymmetrical, but nothing to be concerned about. Penny: Please, Sheldon. I need you. Sheldon: To what? Penny: To take me. Sheldon: I'm not taking you anywhere till you put on a shirt. Penny: Come on, Sheldon. You and me right here. Sheldon: Penny, for the thousandth time, I'm saving myself for someone special. Perhaps a cute bespectacled neuroscientist with hair the color of mud. Penny: I think I know how to change your mind. End fantasy sequence. Leonard: That's enough. Raj: Ew. Stuart: I was okay with it. Amy (tablet ringing): How's it going, Sheldon? Sheldon: Actually, much better. Leonard: Oh, good. Is the baby born yet? Sheldon: I don't know. I just got back. Amy: Where'd you go? Sheldon: My mother asked me to get some towels. I took advantage of the vague request and went to Bed, Bath & Beyond. (Scream from other room) Excuse me, I'm on the phone. So rude. Amy: Here's another one. Penny, if it weren't for Sheldon you never would have met comic book legend Stan Lee. Penny: Great. Raj: At least Leonard, Howard and I would have always been friends. Bernadette: Hey, how come you three never got an apartment together? Leonard: We talked about it, but Howard was in a pretty serious relationship with his mom. Howard: I lived with her to save money. Raj: Yeah, you didn't have to buy groceries 'cause you were breast-feeding. Bernadette: Aw, so I guess if it weren't for me, you'd still be living with her, huh? Howard: Not exactly. Penny: What do you mean, not exactly? Howard: Well, things would be a little different. Fantasy sequence in Mrs Wolowitz's house. Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard, where's my lunch? I'm starving. Howard: I know you're starving. The neighbours know you're starving. There's starving people in Africa who know you're starving. Mrs Wolowitz (off): That's it? There's not enough food. Howard:Well, you cleaned out Earth. I don't know what else to do. Bernadette: How is this any different? Howard: You didn't let me finish. Here you go, Mother. Dead Mrs Wolowitz: You're a good boy, Howard, such a good boy. End fantasy sequence. Amy: Wait, did she die or did you kill her? Howard: Eh, tomato, tomahto. The important thing is she's dead. Bernadette: Hey, so how come you two didn't move in together? Leonard: Oh, this guy wanted a place of his own because he was sure he was gonna be a ladies' man. Raj: Yeah, I was wrong. But I do think you and I would have had a great time. [SCENE_BREAK] Fantasy scene in Raj's apartment. Raj: Come on, Leonard, dinner. Fat Leonard: Coming. Leonard: Hang on. Why would I be fat? Raj: You'd have no girlfriend to see you naked, you'd try to fill the void with food, and I'm an enabler who once deep-fried a pancake. Leonard: Why can't you be fat, too? Fat Leonard: What do you want to do for dessert? Fat Raj: I think there's still half a cake from breakfast. Fat Leonard: No, there's not. Fat Stuart: Hey, guys. Fat Leonard and Raj: Stuart! End fantasy sequence. Raj: What are you doing? Stuart: I just wanted to be in anyone's story. Raj: Yeah, but why are you fat? Stuart: 'Cause Leonard was fat. Penny: Amy, what about you? What do you think you'd be doing if you never met Sheldon? Amy: It's hard to say, my life would be so different. Howard: You can say better. Sheldon can't hear you. Amy: I don't know. Fantasy sequence in Amy's apartment. Amy: Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, there's tears in the frosting, happy birthday to me. (Stuart honks a party hooter at her.) End fantasy sequence. Stuart: I'll stop now. Amy (tablet ringing): How's it going, Sheldon? Sheldon: That's it. The baby's here. It's a boy. Penny: Aw. Amy: Yay. Raj: Congrats. Sheldon: Oh, thank you. I wasn't sure I was gonna to make it. But my mother gave me some ice chips, my sister told me to breathe, and I just thought to myself, Sheldon, if you can make it through the Green Lantern movie, you can make it through this. Leonard: Well, good for you, buddy. We'll let you get back in there. Sheldon: Oh no, no, I'm not going back in there. That baby is so irritating. He has literally been crying his entire life. Howard: Aw, he's already taking after Uncle Shelly. Amy: Come on, Sheldon, you should go. Sheldon: Why? Amy: Well, you always complain that you never had an intelligent role model growing up, and now you can be one for your nephew. Sheldon: Ugh, all right, I'll go. But from what I've seen, his attention span is as limited as his bladder control. Bernadette: You actually got him to do it. Rajj: Yeah, you keep saying how much Sheldon has affected all of us, but you've clearly had an impact on him. Amy: If that were true, I wouldn't still be living alone. Well, not exactly alone. I do have a 50 pound sack of rice with one of Sheldon's T-shirts on it. Leonard: I'm telling you, Sheldon cares for you more than you think. Amy: I wish I could believe you. I also wish there wasn't a mouse living in Rice Sheldon. Leonard: Hang on, I'm gonna give you a little early Christmas present. I'm gonna show you something, but if you ever told Sheldon he'd probably never speak to me again. So, if you want to tell him, that's fine. Look. Amy: I don't understand. Leonard: He made you his screensaver. Amy: Oh. Wow. I had no idea. He is so into me. Wait, wait, where'd I go? Leonard: Oh, well, it's you, Swamp Thing, Stephen Hawking, Spider-Man, but, look, you're in the mix. Amy: I am in the mix. And I'm the hottest one. Penny: Who's that? Leonard: Oh, Madame Curie. Amy: That's fine, she's dead. Scene: The stairwell. Sheldon: You okay? Amy: Just really glad you're back. Sheldon: Me, too. I got a lot of TV to catch up on. Amy: I missed you. Sheldon: To quote Han Solo, I know. Amy: Did you miss me? Sheldon: I would've preferred to have you there with me. Amy: Oh. Sheldon: Or instead of me. Amy: Did you hold the baby? Sheldon: I did. Amy: And? How did it make you feel? Sheldon: Looking into the blank, innocent eyes of a creature that couldn't begin to comprehend anything I was saying? Basically just another day at the office. Fantasy sequence at the Cheesecake Factory. Fat Leonard: I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna ask her out. Howard: And chocolate milk is gonna squirt out of my nipples. Fat Raj: Put up or shut up. You make it, I'll drink it. Penny: You guys need anything else? Fat Leonard: Uh, your phone number and one more cheesecake. Penny: I'm sorry, I have a boyfriend. In fact, there he is now. Ready to go, sweetheart? Stuart: Not until I get my kiss.	Plan: A: Sheldon; Q: Who would have preferred Amy to be in Texas with him? A: his sister's home birth; Q: What does Sheldon travel to Texas to help with? A: his sister's discomfort; Q: What does Sheldon not care about during his sister's home birth? A: video calls; Q: What do Sheldon's friends use to talk to him? A: his friends; Q: Who wonders what their lives would be like if they had never met Sheldon? A: Bernadette; Q: Who thinks Penny would not be with Howard because of his strange friendship with Raj? A: Howard; Q: Who thinks he would be caring for his mother even after her death? A: Leonard speculates Penny; Q: Who thinks Penny would be living with Zack? A: money; Q: What does Zack trade for useless items? A: beans; Q: What does Leonard think Penny would trade for money if she had never met Sheldon? A: Leonard's absence; Q: What does Amy think Penny would have tried to seduce Sheldon in? A: Psycho; Q: What movie did Howard compare his mother's death to? A: Raj and Leonard; Q: Who thinks they would be obese flatmates if they had never met Sheldon? A: his newborn nephew; Q: What does Amy encourage Sheldon to be with? A: Sheldon's screensaver; Q: Where is Amy's picture on the show? A: an extremely cool Stuart; Q: Who does Penny reveal she is dating in the final Cheesecake Factory scene? A: The scene; Q: What changes to reveal Penny is dating Stuart? A: Stuart's fantasy; Q: What is the scene where Penny is dating Stuart revealed to be? Summary: Sheldon travels to Texas to help with his sister's home birth, but is as usual totally self-absorbed and unsympathetic to his sister's discomfort, and no help at all. Between video calls, his friends wonder how their lives would be had they never met him (as in It's a Wonderful Life). Penny notes Leonard would have been too afraid to date her, Bernadette thinks she would not be with Howard because of his strange friendship with Raj, and Leonard speculates Penny would be living with Zack, who would trade money for useless items such as beans. Amy suggests that if Leonard had not moved in, Penny would have tried to seduce Sheldon in Leonard's absence, while Howard notes he would be caring for his mother even after her death (as in Psycho), and Raj and Leonard suggest they would be obese flatmates owing to Raj's cooking and Leonard's loneliness. Amy thinks she would be sad and alone. After Amy encourages Sheldon to be with his newborn nephew, Raj observes that Amy has significantly influenced Sheldon, and Leonard shows her her picture on Sheldon's screensaver, among the other scientists Sheldon admires the most. On returning home, Sheldon tells Amy he would have preferred her to have been in Texas with him (or instead of him). In a final Cheesecake Factory scene with Howard and the obese Raj and Leonard, Leonard asks Penny out; she turns him down to reveal she is dating an extremely cool Stuart. The scene changes to reveal this as Stuart's fantasy while sitting alone in the restaurant.
[Episode begins with scenes from previous episodes. The montage ends with the final scene from Wedding Bell Blues, running into our opening scene.] RECEPTION HALL [Lorelai is looking for Luke. Christopher is chasing after her.] CHRIS: Will you stop? LORELAI: Get away from me, Christopher. CHRIS: I just want to talk. LORELAI: Get some coffee, Christopher! CHRIS: This wasn't the way I wanted it to go down. I wanted to get you alone and - what are you doing? LORELAI: I'm going after Luke! MARILYN: Oh, there you are! [Calling to Emily] I've got her! [She pulls Lorelai toward the cake.] Oh, you cannot keep a room full of Anglo-Saxons waiting for cake this long! They start to form more clubs. [To the photographer] Take her, take her, take her! PHOTOGRAPHER: All right, wonderful. There we are. [The four of them are lined up - Rory, Richard, Emily and Lorelai.] Okay. Everyone, in just a little closer. That's perfect, hold that. LORELAI [leaning into to whisper in Emily's ear]: You and me, we're done. PHOTOGRAPHER: One, two, three. [The camera flashes. Lorelai grabs her purse and coat and gets ready to leave.] RORY: Are you leaving? LORELAI: Party's over. It is so over. RORY: Are you okay? LORELAI: Yeah. I'm fine. It's just time to go. RORY: Are we okay? I mean, that wasn't exactly my proudest moment. LORELAI: Aw, honey. You're the daughter of a woman who has had no end of less than proud moments. Don't worry. RORY: Luke was so mad. LORELAI: That's because to Luke you're still ten years old wearing feathered angel's wings going door-to-door inviting people to a caterpillar's funeral. RORY: Oh, now, I did that once. LORELAI: Luke is fine. RORY: I hope so. LORELAI: Look, go back in. Catch up with Logan. Tell him everything is fine. RORY: He went right to his car, he split. LORELAI: I don't blame the boy. RORY: And what's with you and Grandma? LORELAI: All these questions! RORY: Sorry. LORELAI: Look. Go back in, huh? Make the best of things. Luke is just, um, bringing the car around. I'll talk to you later. RORY: Are you sure we're good? LORELAI: Always. RORY: 'Kay. Bye, Mom. LORELAI: Bye, mister. [Rory goes back in. To attendant] Oh, excuse me. I'm going to need a cab, please? ATTENDANT: Yes, ma'am. PHOTOGRAPHER [rushing forward]: There you are. I'd love to get a few more shots in. LORELAI: Yeah, so would I. [She leaves.] OPENING CREDITS STARS HOLLOW - STREET OUTSIDE LUKE'S [Lorelai pulls up in a cab. Some funky music is coming from the diner. She walks up to the door and knocks. She can see Caesar eating at the counter. He comes to let her in.] LORELAI: Hi. CAESAR: I was just on my break. LORELAI: Oh, that's no problem. Caesar, listen - CAESAR: I clocked out too, so it should say so on my time card. LORELAI: Right. CAESAR: Although the ink is kinda weak and faded. It's really hard to see. LORELAI: That's fine. Great. Caesar, is Luke back yet? CAESAR: Didn't you guys go somewhere tonight? LORELAI: Yeah. CAESAR: Did you get separated or something? LORELAI: Something like that. So have you seen him? CAESAR: Not unless I fell asleep. And I never fall asleep. LORELAI: Well, so if you didn't fall asleep you know for a fact he's not back. CAESAR: Right. So you didn't come back together, huh? LORELAI: Long story. Getting kinda late, so - CAESAR: If I see him, should I tell him to call you? LORELAI: Yes, please. CAESAR: Okay. And, if you talk to him, could you maybe not mention the radio, or eating the pie? He hates when I eat out of the pie plate. LORELAI: You were eating out of the pie plate? CAESAR [hesitates]: No. No. LORELAI: Well, thanks, Caesar. See ya. CAESAR: I've got lots of work to do, and I'm hankering to get to it. LORELAI: Okay. Bye. [Caesar goes back into the diner. Lorelai turns to head down the street.] BABETTE: Lorelai! Hey! LORELAI: Hi! Babette! Hey, Morey. MOREY: Hey, Lorelai. BABETTE: Look at you all dolled up and walking the street. I'm not calling you a hooker or nothing. LORELAI: Well, thank you. Hey, um, did you guys pass Luke, or see his truck any time tonight? MOREY: Uh-oh. BABETTE: You're not with Luke? LORELAI: Not at the moment. BABETTE: Uh-oh. LORELAI: What? BABETTE: Didn't you go to your parents' wedding thing tonight? LORELAI: Yes. MOREY: Uh-oh. LORELAI: What? BABETTE: You didn't come back together? LORELAI: Well, of course we did. We're just not together at the moment. BABETTE and MOREY: Uh-oh. LORELAI: Would you guys stop doing that? BABETTE: Everything's all right between the two of you, isn't it? LORELAI: Of course it is. BABETTE: I hope so. MOREY: Otherwise Taylor would go crazy. BABETTE: He's got all these contingency plans, remember, in case you guys split? He's worried what it would do to the town. Big a*l creep. LORELAI: Well, there's no splitting happening here. Everything's fine. MOREY: Good. BABETTE: Well, we'd better be going. Take care, doll. LORELAI: Talk to you guys later. Bye. [They walk away. She takes out her cell phone and dials a number.] Luke, it's, uh, me. Again. Uh, well, another very exciting night comes to a close, huh? Um, I don't think you're home, so I'm going home. Um, I'll leave my cell phone on, or call me at home. Anytime you want. 'Kay. Bye. Er - just please, call me, okay? 'Bye. [She hangs up, and looks back into the diner. Caesar is dancing to the radio.] YALE - RORY'S DORM [Rory enters and turns on the light. She checks the message board, then flips through some papers by the phone.] RORY: Paris! [She opens Paris' bedroom door.] RORY: Paris. Paris! PARIS [asleep]: Wha? RORY: Are you asleep? PARIS [mumbles]: Don't turn the light on. [Rory turns the light on.] Aah! I said don't turn the light on! RORY: I didn't hear the 'don't'. PARIS: Why do you think I would tell you to turn on the light when I'm dead asleep? RORY: I didn't know you were dead asleep. PARIS: The room is dark. I'm under the covers and completely immobile. Deduce, Sherlock. RORY: Well, you're awake now. Can I ask you a question? PARIS: Bite me. RORY: Were there any messages for me? PARIS: Yes. Four other people called and asked that you bite me. RORY [sighs]: Look, I'm serious here. Come on, Paris. It is especially important tonight that, if there was a message for me, that that message gets to me. PARIS: If there was a message, I would have left it on the message board. RORY: The board is blank. And you are not the most reliable message leaver. PARIS: No messages. RORY: Okay. I don't mean to insult you, but are you maybe telling me there's no message because you're mad that I woke you and there really was a message? PARIS [sits up]: Oh, my God, you're annoying tonight! [She notices Rory's suit.] What's with being all k.d.lang? RORY: It was for my grandparents' vow renewal. I was the best man. PARIS: Is that kinky or something? RORY: It was a cute thing. PARIS: So, who's the boy? RORY: What boy? PARIS: The boy you're dying to get a message from. I assume it's a boy. RORY: Not necessarily. PARIS: Well, no one called, left a note, smoke signaled, Morse coded, semaphore flagged or came by. Male, female or hermaphrodite. [She flops back into her bed.] RORY: Okay, thanks. PARIS [getting up]: I'm wide awake. It's your fault. You owe me Boggle. RORY: Paris - PARIS: Boggle! RORY: One game and then it's back to bed! STARS HOLLOW - STREET [Lorelai walks along. She stops to stare at Kirk playing a dancing game in the video arcade. Kirk finishes his dance and wipes his face with a towel.] KIRK: Hey, Lorelai. LORELAI: Kirk, you're dripping wet. KIRK: Sweat is the curse of the b-boy. Mos Def. So, are you feeling better? LORELAI: Yeah. I'm feeling fine, why? KIRK: Luke told me you weren't feeling well. LORELAI: Luke? You've seen Luke? KIRK: He came into the movie theater. I'm on my break, so I figured I'd come down and bust a sweet move. LORELAI: When, when? KIRK: Oh, about a half hour ago. [He hands her the towel.] I asked about you and he said you weren't feeling well. Then he rejected my 'buy two Junior Mints, get a free hunk of onion beef jerky' offer with a disgusting profanity, then took a seat. LORELAI: So, he's there now? KIRK: Probably. Nothing's up with you two, is there? I mean, you seem just fine. LORELAI: No, nothing. Nothing's wrong at all. KIRK: Uh-oh. LORELAI: Kirk, we have not broken up. KIRK: Well, why are you guys dressed up but not together? Luke's in a suit, which seems awfully formal for a movie theater that recycles its popcorn - LORELAI: Oh, well, we had a fancy event to go to, um, then I got the sniffles, and so Luke decided to see a movie, but now I'm feeling better, so I came looking for him. KIRK: I hope that's true, 'cause Taylor would go nuts if you two broke up. LORELAI: Well, that is not the case, so there's nothing to worry about. Do you think he's still there? KIRK: The movie just started when I left. LORELAI: Great. Thanks a lot, Kirk. So I can go in without paying? KIRK: No! LORELAI: Thank you. [She hurries away.] KIRK: My towel! [He fans his face with his hands, then heads back into the arcade.] BLACK, WHITE AND READ MOVIE THEATER [Lorelai sneaks in. The movie is playing. Luke is sitting alone on the 'Big Red' couch. Lorelai joins him. He sighs.] LORELAI: What are you watching? LUKE: Something stupid. [They watch the movie for a minute.] LORELAI: Man. They sure talked fast in these things. LUKE: Yep, they, uh, they did. Fast. LORELAI: I have been frantically trying to call your cell phone. LUKE: I turned it off. LORELAI: That's what I figured. [Pause] So do you want to hear my explanations, 'cause I've got 'em. Explanations, perspective, apologies, I've got 'em all, and I'm dying to share them with you. LUKE: I just need some time. LORELAI: Time - LUKE: A little time, to think. LORELAI: And to process. LUKE [nodding]: Right. LORELAI: I get that. I get that. I just have so much I want to say to you. LUKE: Not right now. I need to clear my head. LORELAI: You'll call me when you're ready? LUKE: Yeah. LORELAI: Okay. Good. Okay. So, I should - [She gestures toward the door and gets up. Luke ignores her. She stops to look at him before she leaves.] DRAGONFLY INN - LOBBY [Lorelai is showing a guest around.] LORELAI: - Figure as your little girls arrive, we'll have them here in the living room. We'll have the pocket doors to the dining room closed. Then, when it's time for breakfast, we'll open the doors, and voila, the full, beautiful effect. WOMAN: Wonderful. LORELAI: We'll have music with a nice little fanfare. You like Yanni? WOMAN: Hate him with every fiber of my being. LORELAI: Oh, good, we're in perfect sync. And then, we'll have small-scale tables set with china, a silver tea service, little plates, little cups, and twelve little chairs for all of them to sit on. WOMAN: That's so cute. LORELAI: Yeah. MICHEL: Wait, twelve? I thought there were six. Six little girls. LORELAI: Six girls and their six dolls. MICHEL: I beg your pardon? LORELAI: This is a pancake breakfast for the girls and their dolls. MICHEL: Get out of town. LORELAI: I thought you knew that. MICHEL: Dolls, as in they don't have stomachs, lungs or spleens? And we are serving them breakfast? LORELAI: That's right. MICHEL: Teeth? Throat? Colons? They don't have these things either? Unless they are Brides of Chucky. LORELAI: I'm not paying attention to you anymore. [To the woman.] All right, well, I'll order everything, and all you have to do is show up. WOMAN: The girls are looking forward to this. So are the dolls! LORELAI: Aw, love that. WOMAN: 'Bye. LORELAI: Okay, bye. MICHEL [watching her leave]: Is she psychotic? LORELAI: Shh. [They head into the kitchen.] DRAGONFLY INN - KITCHEN [Lorelai and Michel enter. Sookie is preparing stuffed peppers.] LORELAI: It's silly fun, Michel, girls love dolls. Chill. SOOKIE: I'm making little pancakes for the dolls, and I found these little forks they can use. MICHEL: They do not have opposable thumbs! SOOKIE: Who, the girls? Oh, this is a handicapped group! Poor things. MICHEL: No, the dolls. SOOKIE: The dolls? How can a doll be handicapped? MICHEL: My point exactly! They are plastic and made in Banglagor! LORELAI: We're doing this. So hop on board, or hop off. MICHEL: Okay! You don't need to snap my nose off! [He leaves.] SOOKIE: He's getting on your nerves, huh? LORELAI: Completely. I'm starving. SOOKIE: Didn't you have anything at Luke's today? LORELAI: Not today. There's no food in this fridge. SOOKIE: It's stuffed with food. LORELAI: Food that's edible. Food to consume. Everything in here you have to cook. SOOKIE: I'm a cook. LORELAI: Oh, forget it. SOOKIE: What's wrong? LORELAI: Nothing. Luke and I had a little disagreement last night. SOOKIE: At the wedding? What happened? LORELAI: Christopher showed up. SOOKIE: Oh, no. LORELAI: My mother invited him. SOOKIE: Oh, no! LORELAI: And I hadn't exactly told Luke about that tequila night with Chris after his dad died, so I told him and there was a big blow-up. Chris went nuts, Luke went nuts, and he got mad, and he left. And now he says he needs time to think. SOOKIE: How much time? LORELAI: He just said, 'Time'. SOOKIE: Ooh, I hate when men do that. It's so vague. LORELAI: I should have told him when it happened. But I blew it. Now, if he'd just give me ten minutes we could hash it out and be back on our way, and not waste time. What's enough time? SOOKIE: I don't know. LORELAI: It's been twelve hours. That enough? SOOKIE: I'd say no. LORELAI: I'll be distracted until we fix this. SOOKIE: Well, don't worry, because when a relationship is right, things work out. LORELAI: I hope so. SOOKIE: I heard about this couple on one of those morning show, similar to you guys - all lovey-dovey, perfect for each other, you know, headed for marriage - and something happened, and they broke up in their senior year of college, even though they were madly in love with each other. They moved to different parts of the country. They married different people. LORELAI: They married different people? SOOKIE: Oh, had kids, grandkids. Then their spouses died, oh, and they were available again, and they talked and they hooked up, and now they're together and they're happily in love after forty years apart. Uh! LORELAI [shocked]: That's a horrible story! SOOKIE: No, it's not! LORELAI: What morning show was that on? I hate that story! SOOKIE: But they ended up together! LORELAI: Was it Katie Couric? She seems very dark to me. SOOKIE: The point is that even if it takes forty years to figure it out, there's still a chance for a happy ending! LORELAI: But that's all they had! An ending! I don't want to have just an ending with Luke! SOOKIE: I know, but - LORELAI: I don't want to have those stupid kids or those ugly grandkids with that loser other guy! SOOKIE: You don't know, he could be a nice guy. LORELAI: Even if he's a nice, guy, he's not the guy I want to be with! SOOKIE: You're right. It's not fair to him. LORELAI: It's not fair to him, it's dishonest. SOOKIE: We should name the other guy. I feel like he'd be a Larry. LORELAI: We're not naming the other guy. SOOKIE: Okay. I guess it was a bad example. Sorry. LORELAI: Oh, it's okay. SOOKIE: But you know, I read a story about another guy that had a fight with his girlfriend, and he said he needed like a week to think it over, and he only needed a day. And he and the girl were back together and were happy forever. No Larry, or loser kids, or anything. LORELAI: Uh-huh. SOOKIE: They don't put stuff like that in the newspapers, 'cause it's not as sexy as the forty year story, but it happens all the time, really. LORELAI: Thanks for making that up. SOOKIE: You're welcome. LORELAI: I'm going to go take a walk. I've got some errands to run. SOOKIE: Good. Clear your head. And it was Katie Couric. LORELAI: I knew it. [Lorelai leaves.] YALE CAFETERIA [Rory and Paris are collecting bowls of different kinds of cereal.] PARIS: Don't forget the raisin bran. It's good for you. Keeps you moving. RORY: Whatever that means. Ew, I just got what that means! PARIS: Cognitive skills are slow today. Grab some Corn Flakes. Nietzsche and Lichtenstein went ape guano over Corn Flakes. RORY: They make you smart, German and depressed. Why do they have so much Wheat Chex? It doesn't go with anything. PARIS: Wheat Chex are sort of the pumpernickel bread of the cereal world. RORY: Well put. So what combo are you thinking today? PARIS: Cap'n Crunch over a foundation of Rice Krispies, with a perimeter of Shredded Wheat. RORY: Bold. PARIS: I like its prospects. RORY: I love cereal. PARIS: It rocks. [Rory takes her phone out of her pocket and sets it on the table as they sit down.] PARIS: So, you never told me who the guy was. RORY: Guy? PARIS: The guy you were dying for a message from? The guy who has you yoked to your cell phone? RORY: I am not yoked to my cell phone. I can't hear it when it's in my pocket. PARIS: Oh, God! Tell me it's not Huntzberger. RORY: What if it is? PARIS: With the hair, and the chin like he's the fourth Bee Gee? RORY: You know, I could put the phone away if it's bothering you. PARIS: Don't. That pathetic boat you're in? I'm first oarsman. [She pulls out her cell phone and puts it on the table.] RORY: How so? PARIS: I'm waiting for Doyle to call. I expected a call yesterday to set something up for last night, but it never came. So I ate a family-sized bag of salt and vinegar potato chips and went to bed at seven-thirty. RORY: That was the smell. PARIS: We're better than this, you and me. We're the children of Emma Goldman and Hillary Clinton. Strong, independent. We're better than this. RORY: Apparently not. PARIS: I blame Chilton. Great education, but horrific socialization. We need guidance. RORY: I'm not calling Love Line. PARIS: Rory, come on. We're sitting in a sea of expertise in this field. The college campus. There's no end of knock-headed bimbos with tons of dross to dispense. There's two now. RORY: Paris, don't. PARIS: Althea! Janet! Come here! RORY: You hate Althea and Janet. PARIS: Granted, they know nothing of Ukrainian politics or the periodic table, but when it comes to boys, they're brighter than the Brontes. JANET: What, Paris? RORY: Hey, Janet. Althea. PARIS: Girls, we have related problems. A little love trouble. RORY: We? PARIS: Bend your ears? ALTHEA: Uh, sure. RORY: No, Althea, please. Go. Enjoy your Sunday. There's no love trouble here. ALTHEA: I don't mind. RORY: I do. PARIS: Fine, then I'll just lay out my situation. RORY: Great. Good. 'Cause I'm out of this. [Janet and Althea sit down.] PARIS: Okay, so I've got a guy. JANET: Blind? PARIS: Can it. Last time I saw him, he strongly implied that he was going to call me. And soon. It's been four days. ALTHEA: You ever call him to hook up? PARIS: He's always taken the reins. ALTHEA: What did he say exactly? JANET: Call you later, or see you later? PARIS: Call. Or was it see? JANET: Very different. ALTHEA: Call's more descriptive. If he said 'call you later' and he didn't, it's an egregious 'screw you'. PARIS: I'm pretty sure it was see. JANET: Then I think you could cut him some slack. You like him, right? PARIS: Yeah. JANET: Then call him, but have a reason. PARIS: We're on the paper together. JANET: Perfect. ALTHEA: Call to ask for notes or something. But don't give him anything else. If he's into you, he'll take it from there. If he's not, at least you know, so you can dump him. PARIS: Direct, simple. A clear path. Thank you. ALTHEA: You're welcome. [They start to get up.] RORY: Um, excuse me. JANET: Yeah? RORY: If you don't mind, I'm wondering - ALTHEA: Yeah? RORY: Okay, I got close to kind of getting together with a guy - ALTHEA: You mean like 'getting together', getting together? RORY: Yeah. But, we were interrupted. Shouldn't he be calling me to talk, or maybe set up getting together? ALTHEA: What was the interruption? RORY: Mom. Then Dad. Then Mom's boyfriend. ALTHEA: Whoa. JANET: Poor guy. ALTHEA: Okay, you definitely have to call him. RORY: Really? ALTHEA: He might be afraid to call. JANET: Thinks you're too much drama. RORY: Too much drama. ALTHEA: You give him a call, but keep it casual. PARIS: She's love dense. Give her specific language. JANET: Get together? ALTHEA: Or hang out? JANET: That's better. ALTHEA: Ask him to hang out sometime. It'll give him an easy out. If he says yes, meet up, act casual, but look hot. PARIS: I've got a pen if you want to write this down. RORY: No, I think I can remember. Thank you. ALTHEA: No problem. JANET: Anytime. [They get up and leave.] PARIS: Styrofoam for brains, but they know their stuff. [Rory nods.] STARS HOLLOW STREET [Lorelai walks along. A chef at Antonioli's is putting a large pink bow on his door, and also is wearing a smaller one. He gives Lorelai a big 'thumbs up'. Gypsy approaches.] GYPSY: I'm on your side, Lorelai. LORELAI: Whoa, yo, Gypsy. What are you talking about? GYPSY: The breakup. LORELAI: What breakup? GYPSY: Yours and Luke's. LORELAI: We're not broken up. GYPSY: Break up, split up, separated - whatever you want to call it. LORELAI: I'd like to call it nothing. We're fine. What is with these ribbons? GYPSY: Pink for you, blue for Luke. Taylor's idea. That way we all know whose side we're on without having to talk to each other. He's a freak, but I like pink. LORELAI: Oh my God. GYPSY: Look out, blue incoming. [She pulls her out of the way of a man walking by.] LORELAI: Oh, Gypsy, please. Take that ribbon off. I don't want anyone encouraging Taylor on this. GYPSY: Oh, it's way too late. He's passed out hundreds. LORELAI: Hundreds? GYPSY: It was no choice for me. Luke fixes his own truck, so I make bumpkins off him. But you, you don't know a piston from a pepperoni. Lots of money in ignorance. I'm with you. LORELAI [Sees Luke going into Doose's market]: Okay, great. I'll catch up with you later. [She walks away.] GYPSY: Pink power, baby. We chicks gotta stick together. DOOSE'S MARKET [Lorelai enters. Taylor is tying ribbons.] TAYLOR: Lorelai. LORELAI: I'll deal with you later. [She heads toward the back of the store.] Luke? Hi. I'm sorry to sneak up on you like this, but please, just give me a minute. We need to talk. I have so much to say. I should have told you about that night with Christopher. I know that now. LUKE: Yeah, okay. I'm - LORELAI: But I swear, the visit we had was so innocent. It was about his dad, and nothing happened. Less than nothing happened. LUKE: But you hid it. LORELAI: I know, and I shouldn't have. And I am so, so sorry. But all that talk from Christopher, at the wedding. I didn't see that coming. He was drunk. He was stupid. He's never not stupid, but I didn't see it coming. LUKE: You should have. LORELAI: I know. Rory warned me and I ignored her, but believe me. I am never seeing him again. Never. LUKE: What are you talking about? He's Rory's father. He'll always be in your life. LORELAI: In her life. LUKE: Her life is your life. LORELAI: Not when it comes to this. LUKE: This is going to happen again and again. LORELAI: No, it won't, Luke. I promise. God, if you care anything for me at all, just please trust me on this. LUKE: I've got to go. [He pushes past her.] LORELAI: Luke. No, wait. Wait. [She follows him to the door.] Luke, it was my mother, you know, who did all this. She was the one. She caused all this hateful stuff because Christopher is weak and she knows that and I am never talking to her again. LUKE: They're always going to be in your life too. LORELAI: No. LUKE: Your mother, your father. The Gilmores will always be in your life. LORELAI: I can cut them off. LUKE: No, you just can't cut them off. It doesn't work that way, and they'll never feel differently about me, ever. LORELAI: It doesn't matter, because they're gone. That's it. They are gone. I can do that. LUKE: I can't have this out right now. LORELAI: Okay, when? Where? LUKE: I need more time! I told you that. LORELAI: I'm afraid of this 'more time' stuff. I'm afraid it'll take forty years and that's not good. LUKE: Lorelai. LORELAI: We'll miss our middle. I want a middle. And the town is dividing us up. I need that to stop. LUKE: Don't. LORELAI: Luke. I am all in. I'm all in. Please trust me. Let me show you what a great girlfriend I can be. But I can't wait. We can't wait. I need to know what you're thinking right now. LUKE: Fine. You want to know what I'm thinking right now? That I can't be in this relationship. It's too much. [He leaves.] LORELAI [stunned]: No. [SCENE_BREAK] YALE DORMS - RORY'S BEDROOM [Rory dials a number on her cell phone.] LOGAN: Hello? RORY: Hi. It's Rory. LOGAN: Rory Gilmore, as I live and breathe. RORY: So, how are you? LOGAN: I'm good, Ace, how are you? RORY: I'm good. LOGAN: Hope your life's been less exciting since the last time I saw you. RORY: Relatively. LOGAN: Meaning you're steering clear of country club dressing rooms? RORY: Pretty much. LOGAN: Good. RORY: Yeah. So, I was wondering if maybe you - LOGAN: Yeah? RORY: If you'd like to hang out, or something. LOGAN: Hang out? RORY: Yeah. LOGAN: When? RORY: How about tonight? LOGAN: Whoa, spontaneity. RORY: I'm very 'of the moment' these days. LOGAN: Well, sure, I'd love to hang out with you. Come on over. RORY: To your place? LOGAN: Absolutely. RORY: Cool. LOGAN: See you in a bit. RORY: See you in a bit. [She hangs up, proud of herself.] YALE DORMS - A HALLWAY [Rory knocks on a door. A stranger sticks his head out.] GUY: Yeah. RORY: Oh, hi. I don't think I'm in the right place. LOGAN [calling from inside]: Hey, who is it? GUY: Girl scout. LOGAN: Hey, Ace. Come on in. GUY: Come on in. [She goes in. A poker table is set up in the middle of the room.] LOGAN: Welcome to my night of humiliating defeat. ROBERT: One in a series. COLIN: Don't gloat, Robert. It's not Christian. ROBERT: Neither am I. LOGAN: Everybody, this is Rory. ROBERT: Hi. COLIN: Hey. LOGAN: I'd introduce you, but I only know three of them. COLIN: It's to you, buddy. LOGAN: Oh, joy. Come on, kiddo, sit here next to me. RORY: Is that allowed? ROBERT: I wouldn't object. LOGAN: Come on, be my good luck charm. Did I raise or check? COLIN: You been eating out of aluminum pans again, buddy? ROBERT: Your short term memory is non-existent. LOGAN: Yeah, it's aluminum pans. ROBERT: The more you stall, the slower I win. COLIN: That was almost grammatically correct. LOGAN: Two. COLIN: Call. LOGAN: Hold up. You look very nice tonight. RORY: Oh, thanks. LOGAN: What do you know about this game? RORY: Um, just what I've seen on T.V. The Odd Couple. LOGAN: What? RORY: Quincy played it, but he wasn't called Quincy, um, Oscar and Felix. Felix didn't play it. Tony Randall, he cooked for them sometimes. LOGAN: I am so lost. RORY: I know a little. LOGAN: Well, if you know anything, you know I need a jack or a ten. [Robert lays down his hand.] COLIN: Pocket jacks. LOGAN: Un bloody believable. ROBERT: Do we bother with fifth street? LOGAN: Let's see it. [The dealer lays down. The guys cry out in disbelief.] LOGAN: Oh, now you're just mocking me! ROBERT: Well, your gal brought someone some luck. COLIN: Two g's. Ouch. RORY: That was two thousand dollars? COLIN: Got to bet it to win it. LOGAN: It's just money. ROBERT: He's down nine to me from last time. Should I send an I.O.U. to your Pop, that how you want to work it? Cut out the middle man? LOGAN: Yeah, and I'll send some to your mother. ROBERT: Generic, unfocused 'and-so's-your-mother' style comeback. You're off your game, Huntz. LOGAN: I'll work on a better retort and get back to you. ROBERT [to Rory]: So are you covering this? RORY: Pardon me? ROBERT: You were at the last Life and Death shindig, as I recall. RORY: Yeah, but I'm not covering this. I'm just hanging out. LOGAN: Yeah, back off, Robert. She's just hanging out. [A girl brings Colin a drink.] COLIN: Thanks, kid. GIRL: Oh, you're welcome. COLIN: I love the service here. GUY: I'm out. COLIN: Down to the tricks again. ROBERT: I'm in. LOGAN: Don't be a jerk, Robert. ROBERT: What? LOGAN: You bet without looking at your cards. Look at your cards. ROBERT: I don't need to, with Rory here. COLIN: I hate it when he does that. LOGAN: You want a drink? RORY: Me? LOGAN: Yeah. RORY: Well, actually I don't know how long I'm going to stay here so I think I'm good for now. LOGAN: All right. Well, the way it's going tonight, I may not last till the next drink either. [He tosses some chips in.] COLIN: Can we change the music? GUY: No. COLIN: Since when did you become Tipper Gore? GUY: Shut up, Colin. [Rory looks at the ground.] DRAGONFLY INN [A group of little girls are holding their dolls, looking bored and sad.] SOOKIE: She's on her way, I know she is. WOMAN: Well, I hope she is. Just hang in there, girls. I know you're hungry. [To Sookie] They're getting ready to rebel. SOOKIE [dialing her cell phone]: It's just that Lorelai ordered all the tables and the little china and I'm sure it's here somewhere, it's just - excuse me for just a second. [She walks over to Michel] Please, help. You're just standing there. [She hangs up the phone and dials another number.] MICHEL: I'm staying out of the way. In situations like this, 'do not get in the way' is so valuable. SOOKIE: Well, get in the way. Entertain the kids. MICHEL: Like I'm Sponge Boy Big Pants or something? I do not entertain children. SOOKIE [hanging up again]: I'm getting worried. She left to do an errand yesterday and never came back. MICHEL: Are you dialing the right number? SOOKIE: I think after ten years I know Lorelai's number. MICHEL: Well, where is she? SOOKIE: I don't know. But she was in charge of everything except the pancakes, and without her all we have are pancakes! They're expecting games and stuff. MICHEL: Oh, here's a fun game. Poke out all of the doll's eyes, mix them up, and match them to the right dolls. SOOKIE: It's still voicemail! MICHEL: Well, leave a message! SOOKIE: I've left a million messages! I'm going to her house. MICHEL: Don't leave me here! SOOKIE: Stall, stall! [She leaves.] LITTLE GIRL: My dolly fell. Kiss the boo-boo. MICHEL: What part of the dolly is the boo-boo? YALE DORMS - LOGAN'S COMMON ROOM - MORNING [Rory is asleep on the couch. She wakes up to find the guys still playing poker.] LOGAN: Come on, come on. ROBERT: I've made my decision. COLIN: I'm in. Three fifty. ROBERT: Call. LOGAN: I'm going to raise. ROBERT: Ass. COLIN: Our gentleman's courtesies still prevail, Rob. ROBERT: Fine. Mr. Ass. Ass Esquire. [They laugh] COLIN: He's cracked! We've cracked Robert! LOGAN: Mornin' there, Ace, how'd you sleep? ROBERT: For the record you don't snore. COLIN: We'd be happy to sign an affidavit to that effect for any prospective husband. [Rory's cell phone rings. She digs in her purse and brings it out.] RORY: Mom? SOOKIE: It's me, Rory. It's Sookie. RORY: Sookie? Are you at the house? SOOKIE: Look, uh, something happened with your mom and Luke and your mom's in bad shape. I mean, she's down, hon. And I'm here now, but I think you oughta come. She needs you. RORY: Oh my God. Is she hurt? SOOKIE: No, not physically. Just come, okay? RORY: I'm coming. [She hangs up and gets ready to leave.] LOGAN: I'm out. [He gets up.] You okay? RORY: I have to go. LOGAN: What happened? RORY: I just have to go, I have to get home. LOGAN: To your dorm? RORY: Stars Hollow. Oh, no, I don't have my car. LOGAN: Well, didn't you walk here, like a hundred yards away? RORY: No, I mean I took it in for it's six month service. It's at the dealer. LOGAN: You take your car to the dealer? They so rip you off there! RORY: Well it doesn't matter where it is! I don't have it! Which means that I have to take a bus or a train or something. LOGAN: That'll take hours. RORY: I know. I have to go. LOGAN: Take my car. RORY: I don't want to drive your car. LOGAN: No, it's a car with a driver. I've got an account with the company. RORY: No. LOGAN: Take it. I'll give Frank a call, tell him to meet you out front. He'll take good care of you. It's a done deal. RORY: Okay. Thanks. LOGAN: Go! [He dials a number. Rory leaves.] LORELAI'S HOUSE [Sookie is sitting on the couch. Rory rushes in.] RORY: Where is she? SOOKIE: Upstairs. RORY [heading upstairs]: Okay, I've got it from here, Sookie. I love you. UPSTAIRS [Lorelai is crying, lying in bed.] RORY: Mom? What happened? LORELAI: Luke. RORY: What Luke? LORELAI: He's gone! He hates me. I blew it. I blew everything. RORY: I don't understand. What happened? LORELAI: I should have told him about Christopher. RORY: That was innocent. LORELAI: But I should have told him. I hid it. I shouldn't have hid it. RORY: Try to sit up. LORELAI: She got to him. RORY: To Dad? Who did? LORELAI: Mom. She pushed him and it ruined everything. And now they're putting up ribbons. RORY: Ribbons? Who? LORELAI: Taylor, the town. They hate me. They all hate me. I wrecked everything. RORY: Mom. This isn't good. Come on. Try to sit up. LORELAI: He said he needed time to think, but I pushed him. RORY: He'll come around. LORELAI: I pushed him, and now he's gone. RORY: He waited forever for you. He's not just going to walk away. LORELAI: It's over. RORY: Mom, this isn't you. Lying in bed like this. You should be up. LORELAI: You should go to school. Go back to school. RORY: I'm here. I'm staying. LORELAI: God, I really screwed up this time. RORY: Shh. LORELAI: He could have been the one. RORY: He'll come around. Shh. Try to sleep. LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai walks down the stairs.] LORELAI: Rory? [She looks into the kitchen and sees a video projector. She walks in and sees Luke sitting on Big Red.] LORELAI: Luke? [She walks into the Black, White and Read theater. She sits down next to Luke, smiling at him.] LORELAI: Whatcha watching? LUKE: Something stupid. [The film shows Lorelai and Luke sitting in her kitchen drinking glasses of champagne, with candles all around.] LORELAI: This isn't stupid. FILM LUKE: Lorelai, this thing we're doing here, me, you. I just want you to know I'm in. I am all in. [Film Lorelai says nothing.] LORELAI: Say something. [Luke on the couch next to her is replaced by a large blue ribbon.] LORELAI: Say something! [Lorelai wakes up in her bed. She rolls over and Rory is looking at her.] RORY: You slept. LORELAI: I guess. RORY: Feeling better? LORELAI: Sure. RORY: No you're not. LORELAI: You should get back to Yale. RORY: Uh-uh. LORELAI: Rory, you can't just stay here. RORY: Sorry. I'm here for the duration. LORELAI: No. RORY: You need supplies. LORELAI: I'm fine. RORY: There's no sign that you've eaten or had anything to drink. LORELAI: Well, I'm not hungry or thirsty. RORY: Well, if you're staying up here you need supplies. Sustenance. Entertainment. LORELAI: Well. RORY: See, you're a little thirsty, aren't you. LORELAI: A little. RORY: What can I get you? Water? Bourbon? LORELAI: Water is good. RORY: What do you got food-wise? LORELAI: Not much. RORY: What's not much? LORELAI: Like, nothing. Some moldy bread. I've been eating out mostly. RORY: Okay, I'm going on a run. LORELAI: I'm not hungry. RORY: I'll get you some DVD's, too. Do you want magazines? LORELAI: No. RORY: I'll get you some magazines. You sure you don't want bourbon? LORELAI: Honey, you have stuff to do. RORY: This is my stuff. I'll be back in a flash. LORELAI [gasps]: The ribbons. RORY: What? LORELAI: Ah, the ribbons. They're all over town. RORY: I'll just ignore them. Stupid Taylor! LORELAI: People are going to be all over you with questions. RORY: Then they'll feel the wrath of the Green Destiny. LORELAI: Oh, you'll get bombarded. RORY: Well, maybe I'll call in some reinforcements. [She kisses her head.] I've got my cell on. LORELAI: 'Kay. RORY: Don't go rollerblading or bowling or anything while I'm gone. LORELAI: I won't. [She watches Rory leave, then flops back into bed.] DOOSE'S MARKET - OUTSIDE [Lane walks out of the store followed by a bag boy. They are both carrying large bags.] FRANK: I'll get those, Miss. [Frank, the driver, put the bags in the trunk of the limo. Lane gets in.] RORY: Did you get everything? LANE: Everything on the list. Plus, I threw in a few things of my own. Some Toll House cookie dough. Cooked or uncooked, the ultimate comfort food. RORY: Nice. LANE: Chocolate covered matzah. RORY: Nice and ethnic. LANE: And a new toothbrush. RORY: Why a new toothbrush? LANE: Dentists say you're supposed to change your toothbrush every three months, and I'm assuming your mother's not doing that. RORY: Well, I'm not sure how that's going to help her depression but you are a good friend. [She knocks on the divider at the front of the limo. The window opens and she hands Frank a sandwich.] You like ham and cheese, Frank? FRANK: Ah, thank you, Miss. RORY: We can head home now. FRANK: Very good. [He closes the window.] RORY: Was Taylor in there? LANE: 'Fraid so. And he was holding court. RORY: What? LANE: He was talking with a bunch of people about the breakup. Big debate going on. RORY: What debate? LANE: Oh, about whether Elm should have gone more pink than blue, and whether Lorelai should have married that Max guy when she had the chance. Oh, and he was passing out ribbons like there was no tomorrow. RORY: Was he. [Knocks on the divider.] Hold on, Frank. FRANK: Yes, ma'am. DOOSE'S MARKET - INSIDE [Taylor is talking to a customer while bagging her groceries. Rory enters.] TAYLOR: Luke I've known longer, because of the diner. Lorelai is much later, but she - RORY: Where are they, Taylor? TAYLOR: What? RORY: Don't play dumb. The ribbons. [Taylor shows her the box. She grabs it.] RORY: Take piano lessons or something! [She leaves.] TAYLOR: She was so sweet when she was little. [Shaking his head.] IN THE LIMO [Rory gets in.] RORY: Got 'em. LANE: My compliments to your moxie! RORY: Oh, I've got moxie coming out of my ears today. [They hear a car honking.] LANE: They honking at us? RORY: They better not be. Frank, are they honking at us? FRANK: I believe so. RORY: Oh, I am in no mood for this. We are depressed! [She stands up, her head out the sunroof of the limo.] We'll move when we move, so stop - [Luke is honking at them. He stops, shocked.] LUKE: Oh. Sorry. RORY: I'm not usually in a limo. [She goes back in.] LORELAI'S BEDROOM [Rory has set up her purchases on a table next to the bed. Lorelai is sitting up, eating something out of a bowl. Rory enters.] RORY: Heads up, man coming in. LORELAI: Oh! The T.V.! [Frank enters with the T.V.] RORY: You won't come downstairs, I'm bringing downstairs up to you. On the table, Frank. FRANK: Very good. [To Lorelai] Evening, Ma'am. LORELAI: Evening. RORY: That's Frank, my driver. So, I put all the things you will definitely need within easiest reach - water, basic foodstuffs - then, the things that you have to reach for or stand up for recede in order of frequency of use. It's not a science, but I did the best I could. LORELAI: Well, I'm loving the cereal combo. RORY: Five different kinds, three sweetened, with a mix of non-fat milk and half and half. It's a Paris recipe. LORELAI: Thank her for me. FRANK: All done here. RORY: Excellent. FRANK: Anything else I can get for you? RORY: I don't think so. Thanks, Frank. LORELAI: Yeah, thanks, Frank. [He leaves.] Wait, who's Frank? RORY: Oh, well, I had to get out here, and my car is at the dealer for it's six month service. So my friend had a car and a driver standing by, so they let me borrow it and Frank, and, well, that explains Frank. LORELAI: You take your car to the dealer? RORY: Yeah. LORELAI: They're such a rip-off there. RORY: It says in the book to take it to the dealer. LORELAI: If it said in the book to drive off a cliff, would you drive off a cliff? RORY: Yes I would. LORELAI: And 'they' is a 'he'. RORY: Who? LORELAI: The 'they' with the limo. RORY: Yes, he's a 'he'. LORELAI: Thank Logan for me. RORY: Okay. LORELAI: Look, you and Frank should go. RORY: No! LORELAI: Yale's going to get mad. RORY: Yale's not going to get mad. LORELAI: Rory, I'm glad you came, but look how fine I am. I'm surrounded by everything I could possibly need. I even have raw cookie dough, for God's sake. RORY: That was Lane's idea. LORELAI: A whole village has seen to my needs. Go. It's time. Look, I'm sitting up and everything. RORY: And you're feeling better, I mean, for real this time? LORELAI: I'm not a hundred percent, but I'm getting there. I swear. RORY: The downstairs is all set too. I cleaned up. Vacuumed a little, spot dusted. Oh, and I've checked in with Sookie. LORELAI: Oh, good. RORY: The party for the little girls and their dolls? Michel apparently really came through and it was a big hit. He sang a medley from Annie. LORELAI: Oh, the big guns. Good. Now go! RORY: Okay. But I am going to call a lot. LORELAI: I'm good with that. RORY: And I only have one class tomorrow, so I could stop by again in the afternoon. LORELAI: Well, there'll be no need. RORY: You can call me, too, you know. LORELAI: I know, Mom. RORY: Okay. Bye. LORELAI: Bye, honey. RORY: And I'm going to have Frank honk before we leave. LORELAI: Why? RORY: I don't know, it just sounds fun. LORELAI: Okay. [Rory leaves. Lorelai turns on the T.V. and flips through some channels. She turns it off again. The limo honks outside. Lorelai sighs and slumps back down in bed.] LORELAI'S HOUSE - LATER [Lorelai is sitting up in bed, staring. She reaches for the phone, then stops herself. She grabs it and dials a number, sniffling.] LORELAI: Hey, Luke, it's me. I know I'm not supposed to be calling, but I am not doing really great right now, and - [Pause] I was just wondering, if, do you remember in The Way we Were, how Katie and Hubbell broke up because his friends were joking and laughing, and the president had just died, and she yelled at them and he was mad and he was going out to Hollywood, and, I mean, which she hated, and he broke up with her and she was really upset. And she called him and asked him if he would come over and sit with her because he was her best friend and she needed her best friend, and he did. And they talked all night, and they went out to Hollywood, which was a disaster, but it was good at first. With the boat, and uh, putting the books away. I've seen this movie a lot, so if you don't remember the putting the books away scene, don't feel stupid or anything. I was just sitting here thinking about it, because I, um, I'm in my house, and I was just, uh [Her voice breaks] Could - please come over. I - please. Rea [She hangs up suddenly, realization on her face.] LORELAI: Oh, my God. [She gets out of bed.] LUKE'S DINER - OUTSIDE [Lorelai runs down the street. The diner is dark. She grabs the key from on top of the door frame and opens the door.] LUKE'S APARTMENT [Lorelai sneaks in, looking around to make sure Luke isn't there. She goes to the answering machine and steals the tape and leaves.] YALE DORMS - LOGAN'S COMMON ROOM [Logan heads to the door to answer a knock. Rory is standing there.] LOGAN: Hey, Ace, how you doing? RORY: Fine. LOGAN: Come on in. RORY: Um, Logan, wait. No, I can't stay, I'm just returning Frank. LOGAN: Returning Frank? RORY: And the limo. Thanks very much. LOGAN: Everything okay back home? RORY: Okay enough. It was good that I went. Thank you very much for your help. LOGAN: You're very formal tonight. RORY: What? LOGAN: Just your tone. It's formal. RORY: Well, that's how it is. And, I fed Frank a nice sandwich, so he's all good to go. LOGAN: You know you ended up being extremely lucky for me, Ace. RORY: Is that so? LOGAN: I took Robert for everything he had, plus everything I owed him from last time. You should come to all these things. RORY: Yeah, kiddo, maybe I should. LOGAN: What? RORY: Hey, did it ever occur to you when I called to ask you if you wanted to hang out that I meant that it should just be the two of us? LOGAN: I actually wasn't sure, the whole thing was a little vague. RORY: It wasn't vague. LOGAN: No, hanging out's a little vague. It's not a specific boy-girl thing. RORY: Well, I can tell you that I wasn't expecting to be Fanny Brice to your Nicky Arnstein. LOGAN: But I already had this game going, and I couldn't just kick everybody out, so my choice is to say no and not see you at all or say yes and do it the way we did it. RORY: Well, I wasn't expecting a group. LOGAN: So, I should have said no, meaning I wouldn't see you at all? I wanted to see you. RORY: Well, that's nice. I wanted to see you too. I just thought it would be a little more intimate. LOGAN: Intimate? RORY: You know what I mean. LOGAN: So the only time we can see each other is to have sx? RORY: No, Logan, that's not what I'm saying. LOGAN: That's what I'm taking from this. RORY: Well, don't take that. That's not what I'm saying. LOGAN: So, we can see each other under all kinds of conditions. Alone, in a group. RORY: Yeah. LOGAN: Good. Last night happened to be a group thing. RORY: Right. LOGAN: So I don't see the problem. RORY: Yeah. No, I guess there really wasn't a problem. LOGAN: Glad we cleared that up. RORY: Yeah, me too. LOGAN [steps forward]: Now, I'm going out of town for a few days, but I was going to give you a call to set something up for when I get back, but you called me first. RORY: Right. LOGAN: I'm back next Saturday. It's the first night I'm back. Want to - I don't know, what are the kids saying these days? Hang out? RORY: I'm never listening to the breakfast cereal girls again. LOGAN: What? RORY: Nothing. I'm free. LOGAN: No group this time. RORY: No group this time. LOGAN: Good, so next Saturday. [They kiss.] Thanks for feeding Frank. RORY: You're welcome. LOGAN: And I promise not to call you kiddo again, I kinda picked up on that sarcasm from before. RORY: There are just so many other things you could call me. LOGAN: That's an opening. [She kisses him again.] RORY: Bye. LOGAN [Looking after her]: Bye, Ace. LORELAI'S HOUSE [She walks toward the porch. Luke comes out of the front door.] LORELAI: Luke. LUKE: Are you okay? LORELAI: Yeah, I - LUKE: Sure? I got here, there was no answer. LORELAI [sighs]: You got my message. LUKE: Yeah, I was home and I couldn't reach the phone, so I ran over here. I knocked, there was no answer, so I tried the loose window, but I fixed that last week, and then I realized I fixed all the stupid ways there were to get in your house, and I broke the back door lock and I ran inside and you weren't there. LORELAI: Oh, my God. LUKE: It's okay, I can fix it. LORELAI: I'm so sorry, Luke. I will never do this to you ever again. I am absolutely humiliated. I was hurting, and I knew if I called you you'd come. I never should have done that. LUKE: It's okay. LORELAI: No, it's not okay. It's not okay. I am not that girl. I am not the one who cries and falls apart and calls her ex-boyfriend to come and save her. Thank you so much for coming, and for breaking my door. You're an amazing guy for doing that. [She hands him the tape.] LUKE: What's that? LORELAI: It's the tape from your answering machine. LUKE: From my answering machine? LORELAI: The last crazy thing you will ever have to endure from me, I promise. [Pause.] I just want you to know that I heard you when you said that you're out. I did. I'm going to respect that from now on. LUKE: Okay. LORELAI: You should go. It's cold. I'll be fine. [Luke looks like he wants to say more, but Lorelai goes inside. He leaves.] _________END___________	Plan: A: Luke; Q: Who did Lorelai try to get to stay in their relationship? A: the wedding; Q: What event caused Luke to give up on them? A: a lot; Q: How many people are at Logan's house when Rory goes to hang out with him? A: Sookie; Q: Who tells Rory that Lorelai is in bad shape? A: his car; Q: What does Logan let Rory borrow? A: the whole town; Q: Who does Taylor have taking sides for Luke or Lorelai? A: her mom Rory; Q: Who does Rory take care of after Logan's car accident? A: Yale; Q: Where does Rory go to work things out with Logan? A: alone time; Q: What does Rory want to make sure Logan understands when she asks him to hang out? Summary: Lorelai does her best to get Luke to not give up on them after the awful events at the wedding. Luke tells her he needs some time and Lorelai can't take it. Rory asks Logan to hang out with her, but is upset that when she gets to his place that there are a lot of people there. She gets a call from Sookie who tells her that Lorelai is in bad shape after Luke told her that he didn't think he could be in this relationship. Rory doesn't have a car, but Logan lets her borrow his car and driver. Taylor has the whole town taking sides for either Luke or Lorelai. After taking care of her mom Rory goes back to Yale to work things out with Logan, making sure he understood that the hanging out didn't just mean hanging out, it meant alone time.
Cho and Rigsby at a crime scene in a state park. Rigsby: Any place. The suspect could leave the body any place, but he dumped it on the only state land within a hundred miles of here making it ours. Great. Cho: Why is that a bad thing? Rigsby: Oh, come on! You saw the body. Cho: It's a coincidence. Rigsby: Nah. If Jane taught me one thing it's... Lisbon, Jane and Van Pelt walk up. Lisbon: Hi. What have we got? Cho: The victim's name is Emma Plaskett. Nineteen. Local girl. First responder knew her from high school. Lives at home with her parents. Has an older brother and a twin sister Maya who went missing at the same time. Rigsby: Their car was found abandoned last night on the roadside 10 miles north of here. Lisbon: Who's co-ordinating the local search? Rigsby: Sheriff Hardy here is in charge. Hardy: Ted Hardy. Good to meet you. Lisbon: Lisbon. That's Jane, this is Van Pelt. Hardy: Well we called in all our people. Our sole priority is finding the missing twin sister. A policeman shows Jane the body. Jane: Lisbon! Look. Lisbon: Oh, damn. Jane: Yeah. Lisbon: Nah, it's a coincidence. Cho: That's what I said. Jane: No, no such thing as a coincidence. Not with him. Hardy: What are you all talking about? Who's him? Van Pelt: Red John. He's a serial killer. This is his style of cutting. Jane: Look at the toenails. Lisbon: Yeah, I see them. Jane: Painted in her own blood, just like my wife. This is Red John and he wants to make sure I was on this case. Lisbon: It's strange, I'll give you that. But you're jumping to conclusions. Okay, there's no way we can know for sure... She's distracted by the sound of a plane in the sky. She looks up. Hardy: What the hell? The plane is drawing a smiley face in the sky. Lisbon: Oh, my god. Everyone looks up at the sky. Lisbon looks at Jane, concerned. Plaskett Residence, San Angelo, CA. Hardy, Lisbon and Jane approach. Hardy: This nicotine gum is like chewing on a tyre. Lisbon: What do we know about the family? Hardy: Old money. Mr Plaskett's an architect. Mom's a sculptor. There've been Plasketts in this county since before there was a county, which means something to people around here. Been here 10 years and I'm still the new guy. Knocks on the door. Mr & Mrs Plaskett answer. Mrs Plaskett: Have you found Maya? Is she all right? Where is she? Lisbon: We don't know as of yet, but every effort is being... Mrs Plaskett: Where is she? Mr Plaskett: They don't know where she is. You have to let them do their job. Jane: Can we take a look at your girls' bedrooms? Mr Plaskett: Yes, of course. Jane: Thank you. Hardy: Come on, Mrs Plaskett. Mr Plaskett shows Jane and Lisbon into the girls' room. Mr Plaskett: Here it is. We, uh, we tried having them sleep in separate bedrooms, but it never took. They prefer being together. [To Lisbon] In your professional judgement, do you think that Maya is dead also? Jane: Yes. Lisbon [glares at Jane]: We keep an open mind. We're assuming that she's alive. There's always hope. Jane: Not much. Mr Plaskett: I see. [To Jane] Well, thank you for your candour. Lisbon: Mr Plaskett. Perhaps your wife needs you to be with her right now. Mr Plaskett: Yes, of course. He leaves. Jane and Lisbon look around the room. Lisbon: Why so cruel? Jane: Statistically it's dad that did it. Lisbon: Since when do you care about statistics? Jane: Just wanted to raise his pulse a little. Lisbon: Hold on. This is a Red John case. The cutting style, the painted toenails, the skywriting. You put it all together, it's hard to dismiss. Jane: Yeah, it's Red John all right. But someone else is involved, else why would he change his M.O. so radically? Skywriting? Lisbon: He wanted to make sure that the CBI, that you would be put on this case. He's obviously trying to lure you into some kind of trap. Jane: Well, that's part of it. But why take them from a car, instead of catching them at home alone like he's always done before? And why two victims at once, twins? Why break pattern? Lisbon: He's broken pattern once before. Jane: Yes, because it was personal. He wanted to punish me. I don't think these girls are random targets. I think there's something personal behind this. Red John either knows them, or knows someone close to them. Fogarty Skywriting, San Angelo, CA. Van Pelt approaches a pilot. Van Pelt: Hey. CBI. Pilot: Hey. Van Pelt: Are you the pilot that drew that face over San Angelo two hours ago? Pilot: That was me. How'd it look? Clean? Good and round? Van Pelt: Why'd you do that? Draw the face? Pilot: I got an internet order from some company up in San Francisco. RJ Solutions, Inc., I think they were called. Van Pelt: RJ? Pilot: Yeah. They paid the full 1250 up front by cash transfer. So what's this about? Van Pelt: Do you have an address for RJ? Pilot: Yes, Ma'am, I do. In my office. Van Pelt: Okay. Jane, Lisbon and Hardy are with Mr and Mrs Plaskett in their living room. Jane: Is the brother... Mr Plaskett: He's on his way down. He lives up in Parkersville. Jane: Boyfriends? Mr Plaskett: They had boyfriends, but nobody serious. Lisbon: Anyone at the moment? Mr Plaskett hesitates. Lisbon glances at Jane. Mr Plaskett: No, nobody right now. No, it can often be hard for boys to have a chance. They're such a strong couple. Jane: But still very different characters. Mrs Plaskett: Yes. If you know them well. Jane: Emma darker, moodier, the risk-taker. And Maya, she's a happier soul, more cautious, more conservative. Mrs Plaskett: Yes. Mr Plaskett: How do you know that about them? Jane: Well, I tell you that only so you will know that there isn't any point in lying to us. Mr Plaskett: Why? Why would we lie to you? Jane: Arden, do you always follow your husband's lead? Do you never struggle against his desire to control? Mr Plaskett: Excuse me? Jane: Just because you drink too much, doesn't mean you don't have a say. I mean, I should think he's at least half the reason you drink in the first place. Yeah? A good man, but cold, pious. Mr Plaskett: You know, possession of that badge does not excuse you from acting with normal human decency. Mrs Plaskett: Quiet, Noah! Just be quiet. [Turning to Lisbon] We've been ashamed to talk about this [Lisbon and Jane exchange a glance], but for a few months our girls have been mixed up with drugs and the low sort of people that come along with that. Drake, our son, heard that Emma was romantically involved with a dubious character. She denied it totally, so we don't really know for sure, but... Mr Plaskett: Exactly, we do not know for sure. Lisbon: Do you know his name? Mrs Plaskett: Mace Gutherie. Hardy: I know Gutherie. Small-time thief. Hardy, Lisbon, Jane and Deputy Duke approach Gutherie's home. Hardy: Here it is. This is Gutherie's place. Nice, isn't it? (To Jane) You carry a gun? Jane: No. Never. Hardy: You hang back a tad, huh? Jane: Oh, yeah, sure. Hardy: Duke. [He gestures where he wants Duke, then turns to Lisbon.] All right, we're going to do this nice and easy. Lisbon: Okay. Jane hides round a corner. Duke and Lisbon wait with their hands on their guns. Hardy knocks on the door. Hardy: Gutherie. Come on, Gutherie, open up. Gutherie. Hardy opens the door slowly, but slams it closed again as a big dog goes for him, barking loudly. It jumps against the closed door. Jane ducks, even though he's far away. The others just look at each other. Duke turns to find Gutherie jumping out a side window. Duke: Gutherie, freeze! Gutherie hits Duke with a plank and runs off. Lisbon and Hardy arrive too late to catch him. Hardy: You okay, Duke? Duke: I'm okay. Hardy: Shake it off, big guy. Jane: That's a very loyal dog. Post Office. Cho and Rigsby talk to the owner. Cho: Your store is listed as the mailing address for RJ Solutions Incorporated. Lady: Yes. Okay? Rigsby: Suite 121. Lady: Sure. Right here. [Points at a post box.] Rigsby: Uh, no ma'am. A suite is like a room or an office. Lady: A suite is a box. You a small company, you look big. Cho: Okay. We need to open box 121 and we need all the information you have on who rented it. Lady: No problem. You have a warrant? Cho: Ma'am, this is a murder investigation. Rigsby: We can get a warrant, but it takes time and time is of the essence here. Lady: No problem. Go get a warrant and I'll be here, following the law. [To Cho] You have a wife? Cho: No. Lady: I have a niece. Cho: Thanks, that's okay. [Rigsby gives a huge grin.] Lady: When you come back, I show you a picture. Very pretty. Rigsby [looking very amused]: Thank you. Hardy, Lisbon and Jane sit in Hardy's car, outside Gutherie's house. Hardy [into his walkie-talkie]: Okay, open it up. Duke [into his walkie-talkie]: You got it. Duke approaches Gutherie's house cautiously, stick in hand. Hardy [off-screen through walkie-talkie]: Be careful now, Duke. Duke opens the door and the barking dog runs out and takes off down the road. Hardy drives after him. They follow him to a big chain-link fence and get out of the car. The dog keeps barking. Hardy: Shhhh. Hey, Buddy. Easy boy. Easy Boy. You got something? Hardy opens the gate and the dog runs through. They follow him to a shack with a closed door. The dog scratches frantically at it. Hardy and Lisbon draw their guns and Hardy opens the door. The dog runs in to Gutherie, who is hiding inside. Hardy: Hands up. Gutherie [to his dog]: Okay, okay, okay, okay. Jane steps in front of Lisbon's gun. She rolls her eyes and puts her gun away. Jane: [To the dog] Oh, who's a good boy? [To Gutherie, grinning] That's a good dog! Jane and Gutherie are in an interrogation room. Jane raises the blind on the one-way glass and starts to roll up his sleeves. Gutherie: What? Jane: Emma and Maya Plaskett. Gutherie: What about them? Jane: You didn't hear? Gutherie: What? Jane: Emma was found horribly murdered this morning and Maya is missing. Gutherie: Oh, my god. Jane: Were you having a sexual relationship with either of them? Gutherie: No. Jane: Really? Gutherie: No! Never! I maybe hung out with them a couple of time, that's it. Jane: Mace. I see you care for both of them and I can see that you're lying to me. That's a bad idea. Gutherie: I got nothing to do with this. Jane [leaning forward with an intense expression]: Please understand something. I have a very deep personal interest in this case. I'll do whatever it takes. I will have you framed for murder, I will torture you, I will kill you myself, if I have to. Whatever it takes. Gutherie looks down and Jane shrugs at the glass. Minelli and Lisbon are on the other side. Minelli: Jeez, Lisbon, come on! This is on tape! Control your man there. Lisbon: Cut him some slack. Look, he's just playing the guy. He doesn't mean it. Minelli: Doesn't he? You know what Red John does to him. He can't think straight. He would do all that he said and more, if you let him. Lisbon: I won't let him. Gutherie starts to talk, so they turn back to the glass. Gutherie: Emma and me had a thing. She, uh, I don't know what she saw in me, but she liked me, you know? Both of those girls had a way about 'em. They'd look at you like they really see you. Jane: Yeah. Gutherie: So me and Emma had been hooking up for about a month, then I get a phone call from some guy that I don't know saying stay away from her, or else. And he hangs up before I can tell him to eat it. Jane: Can you describe his voice? Gutherie: Uh, soft, quiet. Jane: Did you do what he said? Gutherie: No, of course not. I kept seeing her. And then I wake up one morning a couple of weeks later and there's a pig's head lying next to me. I lock and bolt my doors every night. There's no ways somebody gets in there, but they did. It's mental, right? The thing is, me and Emma were on the down low. Nobody knew, she insisted on that. So how did he know? He must have been spying on her real close. How did you people know? Jane looks at the glass where Lisbon is. Then he picks up his Jacket, ruffles Gutherie's hair and leaves the room. We see Lisbon's car driving through the countryside. We see Mrs Plaskett sitting near her front door, drinking. Her son, Drake, answers a knock at the door. It's Jane and Lisbon. Drake: Good morning. Jane: Morning. Drake: I'm Drake Plaskett. I'm Maya and Emma's brother. [Shakes hands with Lisbon, then Jane.] Lisbon: Agent Lisbon. This is Jane. Jane: Patrick Jane. Mrs Plaskett: Have you found Maya? Lisbon: No, ma'am. But I can assure you we're continuing the search with every available resource. Mrs Plaskett: Please come in. Where have you been looking for her? Lisbon: I wouldn't know that, ma'am. To clarify, the CBI conducts the investigative aspects. Sheriff Hardy is very ably investigating the physical search. Drake: Sheriff Hardy will call if he has news, Mom. How can we help you, Agent Lisbon? Lisbon: You told us it was Drake who told you about Gutherie. Mr Plaskett: Yes. Lisbon: How'd you know about him? Drake: Uh, about a month ago I'd say, I was staying the weekend and I overheard the girls talking. Emma telling Maya that this Gutherie character was dangerous and she should be careful. Naturally I was very concerned and I told my parents. Mr Plaskett: And then we decided to confront Emma about it. Lisbon: I see. If you could sit down with us, Drake, and give us a statement, it would be really helpful. Drake: Of course. Anything you need. Lisbon and Drake go into another room. Mr and Mrs Plaskett look at each other. Jane: I'm just going to take another look at the girls' room, if I may? Mrs Plaskett: Of course. Mr Plaskett: Sure. Jane looks around the girls' room and discovers a camera hidden in the curtains. Jane: Lisbon! Lisbon! [Lisbon runs in, followed by the Plasketts.] Camera-microphone transmitter. Mr Plaskett: Someone was spying on our daughters? Jane: Yeah. Lisbon: Who had access to this room? Mrs Plaskett: Nobody. Just us and Jean, the housekeeper. Lisbon: Nobody else? Mr Plaskett: No, nobody. Jane: Drake, how's your electronic skills? Drake: Are you accusing me of this? Jane: Let's be fair here, you're the likeliest suspect. You can see that. Lisbon: You did say that you overheard an intimate, private conversation between the two of them. Drake: No, they're my little sisters. I love them. Jane: No-one's doubting that. Lisbon: Where were you the night before last? Drake: At home. Alone. Mr Plaskett: No, wait. Wait. There was a break-in. Eight months ago. Mrs Plaskett: That's right. Mr Plaskett: They broke the kitchen door to get in. They took some cash, some liquor, broke a few vases. We just assumed it was teenagers on a spree. Lisbon: That'd be a good cover. Did you report it to the police? Mr Plaskett: Yes we did. The sheriff will confirm it. [SCENE_BREAK] Lisbon's phone rings. Lisbon: Excuse me. [She answers.] Hey. Yeah. Rigsby is on the other end of the call. He and Cho are back with the lady at the post office. Rigsby is pulling on latex gloves as he talks to Lisbon on his phone. Rigsby: We got the warrant and we're about to open the mailbox. Jane said he wanted to be on the line when we opened it. Yeah, okay. [Indicates to Cho that it will take a minute.] One minute. Lady [hands Cho a photo]: My niece. Beautiful, like a movie star, but well-behaved. Cho: Yeah, she's attractive. Rigsby [peers over Cho's shoulder at the photo]: Oh, yeah. Go for it, man. Cho: I'm not looking to get married right now ma'am. Thank you, though. [Gives her back the photo.] Rigsby [into the phone]: Yeah, I'm still here. Uh-huh. [To the lady] You ready, ma'am? [He ducks behind Cho and mouths silently to the Lady "I'll give you his number", with a wink and a thumbs up.] Uh, yeah, open up. Okay. Ah, there's an envelope. It's type-written. Post-marked Hattiesburg 28th December. It's addressed to a Roy Tagliaferro. [Opens the envelope and reads the letter.] 'Dear Roy. I found this address on a business card of yours that I discovered down the back of the sofa. And so I write to you today in the faint hope that this letter may find you. If it does,... ' Switch to Jane reading to Lisbon as she drives. Jane: '...and you are reading this, I just want to say that I still love you very much despite the very cruel way you treated me, and I hope you will come back to me one day. With all my heart, Rosalind.' It's him. I know it. I know it. This Roy Tagliaferro is Red John. Lisbon: We don't know that. Jane: Well, we know Red John killed Emma, so we can assume that Red John hired the skywriter. The skywriter was given the order by RJ Solutions. RJ Solutions is Roy Tagliaferro. Hence Roy Tagliaferro is Red John. Lisbon: Maybe. Jane: This woman Rosalind has seen Red John. Lisbon, she, she knows Red John. This is him. Jane and Lisbon walk towards Rosalind's house. The sound of a piano can be heard. Jane: Are you sure this is the right Rosalind? Lisbon: There's only two Rosalinds in the Hattiesburg phonebook. The other one is 73 and married. Lisbon knocks on Rosalind's door. She opens it. Lisbon: Rosalind Harker? Roslind: Yes. Lisbon gets out her badge and shows it to Rosalind. Lisbon: We're with the California Bureau of Investigation. May we come in? Rosalind: Would you show me some ID, please? Jane looks dismayed as he realises that she is blind. Lisbon hands Rosalind her badge so she can feel it. Rosalind: Roy Tagliaferro. What are you investigating? Lisbon: We're with the homicide and serious crimes unit. What can you tell us about Roy? Rosalind: Not a thing until you tell me why you want to know. Jane: We believe he could be a serial murderer named Red John. Rosalind: No. That's absurd. Lisbon: May we come in? Rosalind: No. Jane: No, ma'am, we're not leaving. She tries to close the door but Jane pushes his way in. He and Lisbon follow Rosalind into the house. Rosalind: You don't know him. Lisbon: Ma'am. Miss Harker. Rosalind: I'm not listening. I don't hear you. She heads off up the stairs and into her bedroom. Lisbon: Ma'am. Miss Harker. Jane: Rosalind. Rosalind: Go away. Jane: I can't do that. [He stands on the other side of her bedroom door. Lisbon waits at the top of the stairs.] There is a girl missing. Her name is Maya. She's nineteen. Her sister has already been killed by Red John. We don't know, but he might have her captive somewhere. This man, Red John, killed my wife and child. That's why I'm here, Rosalind. That's why I can't leave. Rosalind opens her door. Rosalind: I'm sorry. That's terrible. Jane goes into her room and closes the door. He looks around and suddenly sees a smiley face on the wall above Rosalind's bed (not painted in blood). Rosalind: I'm blind, but I'm not blind. I'm a good judge of human nature. I have to be. I know Roy very well. I know him intimately and I'm sure, as sure as this ground beneath my feet, I know that Roy is a good man Jane: I believe you. Uh, I'm sorry. [He can't take his eyes off the smiley face.] Rosalind: That's okay. We all make mistakes, god knows. Jane: Maybe this Red John is just using Roy's identity somehow. If we could find Roy, maybe he could help us find Red John. Downstairs, Rosalind is pouring tea for Lisbon and Jane. She gives the first cup to Jane and he gives it to Lisbon. She hands the next one to Lisbon, who quietly gives it to Jane. Rosalind: Roy came to my door one day when his car had broken down up the road. He had to use the telephone, so I made him some lemonade. We got talking about classical music, and he didn't leave for 2 days. Lisbon: You two were lovers. Rosalind: Yes. Lisbon: That's very brave of you. Rosalind: I have to be. Lisbon: How long were you together? Rosalind: Roy was in my life for about 5 months. He would come and go as he pleased. He said he was doing business in the area. Lisbon: What kind of business? Rosalind: He didn't say. Jane: You didn't ask? You weren't curious? Rosalind: No. I didn't care. I don't live in your world. I live here. I was glad when he came, sad when he left. Jane: You said in your letter that he was cruel to you. Rosalind: Very cruel. He left and just never came back. He never said goodbye, why he was leaving or where he was going. Just vanished. It's been nearly six months now. Jane: Can you describe him? Rosalind: Just under 6 feet tall; not muscular, but not soft either; short, straight hair; a gentle voice; rough, strong hands; he smelt of pine and nails and earth; and he liked to listen to me play the piano. Jane: What was his favourite music? Rosalind: Bach. He admired his rigour. Lisbon: Didn't anybody see him? The mailman? A cleaning lady? Rosalind: No. I lead a fairly solitary life. Lisbon: Did he ever mention any friends? People from work? Rosalind: No. He did bring a friend of his over once, though. For Thanksgiving. Dumar. Lisbon: Dumar. Any other name? Rosalind: Just Dumar. Couldn't believe a blind woman could cook. Came over especially to see. Lisbon: Can you recall anything else about him? Rosalind: He smoked a lot. He said he was trying to quit but he smoked so much he had to run out to the store to buy more cigarettes. When he came back he had bought a stuffed toy elephant as a gift for me. That was a good day. Roy came a couple more times after that, and then that was it. Gone. Lisbon: Do you still have it? The stuffed elephant? Rosalind: Yes, I do. [She gestures to it.] Night. Minelli, Lisbon, Cho, Rigsby and Van Pelt are at CBI headquarters. Minelli is holding the stuffed elephant. Minelli: First thing in the morning check on all the convenience stores in that area. It was a few months ago, but it's possible someone will remember selling the elephant and the cigarettes together. It was Thanksgiving. He throws the elephant to Cho. Cho: Yes, sir. Rigsby: You got it, chief. Lisbon: And don't lose the elephant. She wants it back. Cho: All right. Rigsby: You know, it's ironic that she was blind. Cho: How is that ironic? Rigsby: Whatever. It's messed up. You know, it would be funny... if it wasn't not funny, I mean. Cho and Rigsby leave. Minelli: Any luck on this end? Van Pelt: Nope. There's nobody named Roy Tagliaferro anywhere in the database. It must be an alias. Minelli: Try the name in English. Tagliaferro means cut iron. Van Pelt: Thank you, sir. That's a good idea. Minelli: Yes, it is. Night. Rosalind's house. She's playing Bach on the piano and Jane is listening to her. Morning. CBI Headquarters. Van Pelt comes in, checks her computer and picks up the phone. Van Pelt: Boss. I think I found something. Overnight I set up and ran a code script to search the probate courts' realties transaction records. I got a hit on the name Cut Iron. Lisbon is by her car outside Rosalind's house. Hardy drives up. Jane comes from the house. Lisbon [on the phone]: Okay, thanks Van Pelt. [She hangs up.] Hardy: Well? Lisbon: We've a good lead. Eight months ago around the time Tagliaferro showed up, an old farm property was bought called Sparrows Peak, and it was bought by Cut Iron Properties Trust. Jane: Let's go. Lisbon: Wait, there's more. The company credit card in the same name was used to purchase a large truckload of construction supplies. Jane: Nails, earth, pine. He's building something. [He starts to walk to Lisbon's car.] Lisbon: Slow down. We need to find a judge who can give us a search warrant. Hardy: Sure thing. Judge Felton in Eckerfield would be the quickest. Jane: Nah, we don't have time for that. Lisbon: No choice. Look, no warrant, no case. We could catch Red John and he could walk. Jane: If we catch Red John, he's not walking anywhere. He's mine. Lisbon: Don't talk like that. I can't let you anywhere near this case if you start talking crazy like that. Jane: Crazy! You're crazy if you think you're going to stop me. Red John is mine. You try to stand in my way and you... you will regret it. Lisbon: Are you threatening me? Jane: No, I'm just saying that if you stand in my way, you... Lisbon: I've had it with your egotistical crap. This isn't about justice or the law, this is about you and your wounded pride. I'm done with it. [She starts to walk away, then turns to Hardy.] Eckerfield, Judge Felton, right? Hardy: Yes, ma'am. Lisbon [gestures at Jane]: If he does anything wrong, if he jaywalks... shoot him! Lisbon gets in her car and drives away. Hardy: Wow. Steamed up. Jane: Nah. Let's go. Hardy: Hold on. I don't know about that. Jane: What if Maya is waiting out there for someone to help her? What if she dies while we're standing here doing nothing? Hardy: All right. Let's do it. Cho and Rigsby pull up outside a store. Cho picks up the stuffed elephant as they get out of the car. Rigsby: What's this, store number 10? Cho: Eleven. Rigsby: Ahh. What a waste of time. Cho: It's worth trying. They approach the store owner, who immediately notices the elephant. Cho: Excuse me, sir, do you have... Man: Sorry, no returns. Rigsby: Excuse me? Man: You buy the elephant, you keep the elephant. Rigsby: You sold this elephant? Man: Yeah, last year. It's a good item. Comes in elephants, bears, rodents. 9.95. Cho: Last Thanksgiving, do you recall a customer buying this elephant and some cigarettes? Man: No. How would I do that? Am I an elephant? You can look at the surveillance tape if you like. Cho: You have the tape from 5 months ago? Man: Yeah. Rigsby: Yeah, we'd love to see the tape. Yeah. Man: My son's a big techno nerd. We've got state of the art cameras on a nine month loop. They follow him into the store. Jane and Hardy stop on a dirt road. They get out. Hardy: 7645 Sparrow Peak. This is the place. Jane: Let's go. Hardy: Okay. He cocks his shotgun and follows Jane, who is climbing through the wooden gate. They set off down a dirt driveway towards a derelict farmhouse. Rigsby and Cho are running through the store's security tape for 27 November 2008. Cho: There we go. Thanksgiving afternoon. All right, where's this elephant? Rigsby: There! Put it back. Cho: I see it. [He reaches for his phone.] Rigsby: That... oh, my god. That's Sheriff Hardy. Dumar is Sheriff Hardy. Hardy and Jane enter the farmhouse. We see the POV of someone watching from behind a tree near the house as they go in. Jane tries a door handle, but the door is locked. We see someone moving inside the locked room, and we see a teacup from Rosalind's tea-set. Hardy: Jane, look at this. Jane is distracted from the locked room and follows Hardy to a hatch in the floor. Hardy opens it and they peer down. Cho and Rigsby are both on their phones as they leave the store. Cho: Answer the damn phone. [It just rings.] Van Pelt [off-screen]: CBI. Rigsby: Van Pelt. Where's Jane and Lisbon? Van Pelt [at her desk]: Hey. Following up a lead I gave them. Why? What's wrong? Jane goes down the stairs into the basement first. Hardy follows him. Jane turns on the light and sees a door with a peephole. He looks through and sees Maya, sitting on a mattress. Jane: Maya. It's okay Maya, we're going to get you out of here. [He turns to Hardy.] She's alive! [Hardy points the shotgun at Jane.] What are you doing? Hardy: You act smart, but really you're kind of dumb, huh? Don't move an inch. Jane: I...I don't understand. Hardy: No, you never really have. You recall a man by the name of Orville Tanner? Jane: Yeah, Red John's accomplice in his first killing. He was caught. Died 10 years ago in jail. Hardy: That's the man. I'm his son, Dumar. This is the family farm. He was a good man, good father. He wrote me every week till the day he died, you know. Taught me everything I know. Jane: And Red John? Hardy: Friend of my father's. And a close friend of mine, I'm proud to say. Jane: He doesn't have friends, he has tools. He's using you. Hardy: Red John is not using me. He gave me Maya. Gave me the woman I love, the woman I'm going to marry. Jane: Love? She's in a cage. Hardy: Love's cruel. At least she's safe. Not like out there with those degenerates. She'll grow to appreciate the security I'm giving her. Isn't that right, honey? Huh? [He bangs on the door. Maya cringes and whimpers.] She's gonna love me the way I love her. Jane: I wouldn't bet on that. Hardy: I'm happy for the first time in my life, and Red John made that happen! So don't you go telling me he's no friend of mine! Jane: And what did you have to give him in exchange? Hardy: He got Emma. And you. He wanted you badly. He lured you in so sweetly. You just couldn't help yourself, could you? If that Rosalind wouldn't have popped up and spoiled things, we were going to get you here nice and quiet, so we could take our time. Now we'll have to find someplace else to keep you both, but that's life. Jane: Keep us for what? Hardy: Oh, well, you'll just have to wait and see. It's gonna be so much fun. Lisbon: Hardy, put the gun down. Put it down slowly. [She comes down the stairs with her gun pointing at Hardy.] Hardy: Crap. Listen, he... Lisbon: Now! [He throws his gun down.] Put your hands behind your head. Hardy: Well, you fooled us, huh? Bravo. You never did go see that judge. Jane: Dammit, Lisbon, you were supposed to wait till Red John showed up. Lisbon: I couldn't take the chance. Red John is long gone, anyway. Hardy: And you faked the warrant argument. (Hardy turns to face her.) Lisbon: Turn around, sir! Hardy: Lured me into the open. Slick. How'd you know it was me? [He turns back to Jane, who is looking for the key to the door of Maya's prison.] Lisbon: Don't move. Jane: Rosalind said that Dumar was a heavy smoker who was trying to quit. And you, you chew on those nicotine gums all day long. And it was you that staged the break-in at the Plaskett house so you could plant the camera. Hardy: Bet you think you're pretty cool right now, huh? Jane: Oh, yeah. [He finds the key.] Bingo. Hardy [Turning to Lisbon]: Tell you what, release me now and... Lisbon: Don't turn around. Hardy: ...I'll try and persuade Red John to kill you quick and clean instead of slow and nasty. Lisbon: Turn around and shut up! As she's taking his handgun away from him, someone closes the hatch. Hardy hits Lisbon, but she grabs him and knocks him down. Jane ducks out of the way. We can see the action on a monitor in the upstairs room which had been locked. We see the teacup again. Police cars with sirens wailing come racing along the road and break through the gate without stopping. We see on the monitor that Lisbon is handcuffing Hardy. Steam is still rising off the tea in the cup. We see the screen door of the farmhouse bang as someone ducks out the back. Cho and Rigsby, guns drawn, come in the front. They start to check the rooms. The locked room is no longer locked. Rigsby: Boss! This room's clear. Cho: Clear. Jane [off-screen]: Rigsby. Lisbon [off-screen]: We're down here. There's a hatch in the floor. Cho lifts the hatch and Lisbon blinks in the light. Rigsby: You guys okay? We see an unconscious handcuffed Hardy lying on the floor. Lisbon is a bit out of breath. Lisbon: We're fine. We've got Maya. Call the paramedics. Jane and Lisbon unlock the door. Lisbon holds her badge up for Maya to see and then walks over to her. Lisbon: It's okay. I'm here. [She takes Maya in her arms. Maya clings to her.] You're safe now, Maya. Shhh. It's okay. Shhh. Jane looks at Lisbon holding a shivering Maya. Outside the farmhouse. Evening. There are police cars and ambulances parked all around, lights still flashing. Cho and Rigsby lead Maya out. She has a police Jacket around her shoulders. A paramedic leads her off to be checked. In the basement. Jane is looking at the camera that fed to the monitor upstairs. Lisbon walks up behind him. Jane: He was here. He was right here. Lisbon: We saved a girl's life, Jane. We saved her life. We have Hardy, okay? He's going to tell us what we need to know. Jane: Oh, you think so? You should have waited. We agreed on that. Lisbon: What if Hardy had killed you right here? Jane: And then he would have led you straight to Red John. Lisbon: You'd be dead. Jane: But you would have Red John. Lisbon: I don't think you mean what you say. I think you choose life. Jane: Well you think wrong. Lisbon [upset]: No. No, you think wrong. Can't you see there's people who care about you, who need you? You're being selfish and childish and I want you to stop it. Jane: I wish that I could, but you know some things you just can't fix. Needn't be angry, it's just the way of the world. Lisbon: We still have Hardy. He's going to talk. He's gonna give us Red John. Jane: Right. We have Hardy. Yes. Lisbon: We saved a life. Jane: Yes, we did. We did. Hooray for us. Outside. It's now dark. A forensics guy puts Hardy's gun in the back of a vehicle. Cho and Rigsby drive off. Hardy is lying unconscious on a stretcher. Maya is leaning against a car not far from him. Lisbon comes up to her. Lisbon: Maya. I'm going to fill out some paperwork with the forensics people and then we'll take you home. Maya: Okay. Hardy opens his eyes. Jane comes out of the house. Hardy gets his handcuff key and undoes his cuffs. Lisbon: Do you need anything? Maya: I'm good, thank you. Hardy grabs the gun of the deputy standing next to him and shoots him in the chest. He then points the gun at Lisbon, who has spun around, but hasn't had time to draw her gun yet. A shot knocks Hardy over and we see Jane holding Hardy's shotgun, which he has just fired. Lisbon looks stricken. Hardy is on the ground, coughing up blood. Jane throws the shotgun away in disgust and goes over and kneels by Hardy, who is lying on his back. Hardy [spluttering]: Red John. Red John. Shhh. Hardy puts his finger to his lips and laughs. He then makes a choking sound and dies. Jane looks desolate. Lisbon, standing nearby, also looks upset. As the Bach piece plays again, the camera pulls back showing the scene from above. It fades to... Morning. A police car is driving Maya home, with Lisbon and Jane. They stop at the Plaskett house and the policeman opens Maya's door. Jane opens Lisbon's door. The Plaskett's come running out, Maya's mother calling her name. Maya runs to them and they all hug her. Lisbon walks halfway up the path, and Mr Plaskett comes to her and takes her hand. He nods to Jane in thanks also. Jane wanders down into the garden, picks an orange and smells it. He gives a small enigmatic smile and starts to peel the orange. END.	Plan: A: Emma Plaskett; Q: Whose body was found on state land? A: the CBI; Q: Who is called in to investigate the death of Emma Plaskett? A: the victim's toenails; Q: What part of the body was painted with blood? A: the team; Q: Who looks up to see skywriting form Red John's signature smiley face? A: Emma's twin sister; Q: Who is Maya Plaskett? A: the investigation; Q: What begins at the Plaskett home? A: the Plaskett home; Q: Where does the investigation begin for Emma's twin sister? A: random targets; Q: What does Jane think the girls were not? A: Lisbon; Q: Who rescues Jane from Sheriff Hardy? A: a trap; Q: What does Lisbon think the case is? A: the skywriting transaction; Q: What do Rigsby and Cho track to a dummy corporation's P.O. Box? A: a letter; Q: What did Rigsby and Cho find that led them to Rosalind Harker? A: Rosalind Harker; Q: Who is the blind woman who sent the letter to the CBI? A: a relationship; Q: What did Rosalind Harker have with Red John? A: a description; Q: What can Rosalind give about Red John? A: a lead; Q: What is Jane checking out on a farm property linked to Red John? A: Sheriff Hardy; Q: Who is holding Jane at gunpoint? A: , a.k.a. Dumar; Q: Who is Sheriff Hardy? A: handcuffs; Q: What does Sheriff Hardy free himself from? Summary: When the body of Emma Plaskett is found on state land, the CBI is called in to investigate. As Jane notices the victim's toenails are painted with her own blood, the team looks up to see skywriting form Red John's signature smiley face . Emma's twin sister Maya is also missing, and the investigation begins at the Plaskett home. Jane does not think the girls were random targets, but something more personal, while Lisbon thinks this case is a trap that Red John has set for Jane. Rigsby and Cho track the skywriting transaction to a dummy corporation's P.O. Box and find a letter that leads them to the sender, a blind woman named Rosalind Harker. Rosalind had a relationship with Red John, but can only give a description of Red John based on her other senses. She does help shed some light on Red John's friend Dumar. Checking out a lead on a farm property linked to Red John, Jane is held at gunpoint by Sheriff Hardy, a.k.a. Dumar. Lisbon rescues Jane but Red John escapes. In the aftermath, Sheriff Hardy frees himself from handcuffs and tries to shoot Lisbon, but is killed by Jane.
MUSIC IN: EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT (MUSIC OVER ACTION) (TRUCK BRAKES TO A STOP) (SFX: DUMPSTER LID OPENS) (DRIVER LIFTS ITEMS/LEG FROM THE DUMPSTER) (DRIVER GASPS) (MUSIC OUT) (THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: Hey, how was your date last night? KATE: How did you know I had a date last night? TONY: You talk very loud when you're on the phone. I've been meaning to say something. KATE: You mean you eavesdropped. TONY: Guess it didn't go too well, huh? KATE: He had to cancel. TONY: What excuse did he give? KATE: Surgery. TONY: Hey, that's a good one! I've got to remember that. What was wrong with him? KATE: He didn't have surgery, Tony, he performed it. ABBY: Hey, how was your big date last night? (KATE WALKS O.S.) ABBY: What'd I say? TONY: Date never happened. ABBY: Oh. What excuse did he give? TONY: Surgery. ABBY: That's a good one! GIBBS: Grab your stuff. KATE: Where are we going? GIBBS: West Virginia. TONY: Almost heaven. "Take me home, country road." Old John Denver song. I'm going to grab my gear. GIBBS: Clarksburg. KATE: What's in Clarksburg? GIBBS: Junk dealer... stumbled onto a leg. KATE: We're driving to West Virginia to look at a leg? GIBBS: It belongs to a Marine. TONY: How can you tell from a leg? MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. ALLEY - DAY GIBBS: Gibbs. NCIS. DAWSON: How do. GIBBS: Is this how you found the leg? DAWSON: Yes, Sir. Mister Green found it in that dumpster. When he realized what he was holding, he tossed it to get rid of it. Landed here. Kind of funny, ain't it? GIBBS: What? DAWSON: How it landed. Like it was climbing the stairs. GIBBS: You think finding the severed leg of a Marine is funny? DAWSON: No, Sir. No, Sir, I don't. GIBBS: Find the rest of the body? DAWSON: Not yet. Local Chief of Police has his boys checking all the dumpsters and the town garbage pit. Well, I'll leave you all to it. GIBBS: Tony, laser and sketch. TONY: Got it. GIBBS: Kate, take photos. KATE: Yeah. GIBBS: What have we got here, Duck, other than the obvious? DUCKY: Well, with the absence of hemorrhagic tissue at the point of injury, I'd say the limb was severed post mortem. GIBBS: Time of death? DUCKY: From a leg?! I'll tell you what, Gibbs. You find me a liver in that leg, and I'll estimate you a time of death. KATE: What's that wedged in the sole? DUCKY: From a small seed a mighty trunk may grow. There's not much more for me to do here. I saw a great antique store around the corner. Give me a shout if you need me. GIBBS: (SHOUTS) Ducky! (BEAT) I need you here. DUCKY: Jethro, I refuse to speculate on the time of death of the Marine missing that leg. However, I will tell you that the limb itself has been dead more than... no, less than twenty four hours. GIBBS: I'll shout if I need you. (GIBBS WALKS TO THE TRUCK) GIBBS: Did you find the boot? GREEN: I was just looking for junk. Stuff people throw out. GIBBS: Like a boot? GREEN: Yep. No law against taking stuff folks thrown out. Why are you puttin' on rubber gloves? GIBBS: We're going to need your prints. GREEN: For what? GIBBS: To separate them from those we find on the leg. GREEN: You can take fingerprints off a leg? TONY: I don't get the whole tattoo thing. KATE: I'll add that to the ever-growing list of things you don't get. TONY: Being stuck with a needle thousands of times for a piece of artwork. No, thank you. KATE: It's more than just artwork, Tony. TONY: On a woman, maybe. KATE: What? TONY: You know, on a woman? It means she's up for anything. KATE: Abby's got tattoos. TONY: (CHUCKLES) No comment. KATE: Well, what about me? You think I'm up for anything? TONY: You don't have a tat. KATE: And if I did, that would just blow your theory to hell now, wouldn't it? TONY: Okay, say for a minute I believe you've got one. Where is it? KATE: Nowhere you will ever see. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - DAY DUCKY: Ah, necessity, the mother of invention. I suspect the inventors of Super Glue never imagined that when heated up and applied to surfaces in gaseous forms, its bonding capabilities would enable us to obtain fingerprints from a human leg. ABBY: I like that commercial where the guy puts Super Glue on his hardhat and then glued his head to the beam and hung there. I tried that with my little brother. DUCKY: I sense this anecdote doesn't have a storybook ending. ABBY: It does if you like your stories to end with bald seven year olds. He still gets mad when I call him Kojak. (PASSAGE OF TIME) ABBY: So I pulled a partial off our leg that isn't the junk collector's. Could be the victim's. GIBBS: Run it through the military database. ABBY: So any other body parts show up? GIBBS: No. ABBY: Isn't that a little bit hinky? GIBBS: It's more than a bit. All we've got is a tattooed leg, a sock and a boot. ABBY: You're forgetting about our interesting little bit of botanical evidence. GIBBS: Oh, yeah. That. Yeah. Well, I want the life history; family, where it grew up. ABBY: College transcripts? I know. GIBBS: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY (DOOR SLIDES OPEN) DUCKY: Our victim had a titanium ankle joint which I'm about to remove. GIBBS: Too young for arthritis. DUCKY: Yeah. It was most likely due to an accident; auto, motorcycle, skiing. TONY: Polo. Polo is a very dangerous sport. DUCKY: Yes, the joint will have a serial number traceable to the doctor who performed the surgery. GIBBS: Anything else? DUCKY: Well, as I suspected, our Marine was dismembered postmortem. The jagged teeth pattern on the femur bone suggests that a saw was used. TONY: Ouch! DUCKY: Well he didn't feel it, Tony. TONY: It still makes me wince. DUCKY: Well, given how straight and clean the cut was, it was almost certainly some kind of power saw. I wonder if they still have the Eurail pass. Yeah. In the summer of my eighteenth year, my grandfather gave me a Eurail pass to celebrate my advancement to University. I traveled to nine different countries. Met an Austrian girl named Giselle, who left her fingerprints on my heart, visited all the major museums of Europe. The artwork was extraordinary. Da Vinci, Rembrandt, Van Gogh, Renoir, Botticelli... (DRAWER SLIDES OPEN) TONY: I like saying Botticelli. DUCKY: And that brings me to Christy Brown, the Irish poet and painter. Yes, he suffered from cerebral palsy. Learned to paint with his foot. Quite remarkable. He wrote an autobiography, "My Left Foot," which became an exceptional film starring Daniel Day Lewis. GIBBS: That's a right foot. DUCKY: Oh, so it is. Oh, well. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY KATE: (INTO PHONE) Serial number of the ankle joint is three two seven four zero one five. I'll hold. (TO TONY) Doing something case related? TONY: Joint replacement database site, targeting orthopedic specialists, search referenced to hospital privileges and surgical records. KATE: All right, DiNozzo. TONY: (BEAT) Is it on your butt? KATE: I told you, I was kidding. TONY: You only said you were kidding because you were embarrassed you told me. KATE: I don't have a tattoo. TONY: It's a butterfly, isn't it? You seem like a butterfly kind of girl. KATE: Yeah, it's a butterfly. On my hip. (INTO PHONE) Oh, yes. I'm still here. Mm-hmm. Thank you. (HANGS UP PHONE) (TO TONY) The manufacturer shipped our Marine's titanium ankle to the Naval hospital in Bethesda in ninety nine. (SFX: KEYBOARDING) TONY: It was signed for by Captain Brent Peters. May fourteenth, two thousand. KATE: I'll call Gibbs. TONY: It's not a butterfly, is it? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY PETERS: I remember that surgery. We usually fuse the ankle and implant a metal splint in our young servicemen. But his ankle was literally crushed in an auto wreck. May of two thousand, you said?(SFX: KEYBOARDING B.G.) GIBBS: According to our research. PETERS: Here it is. May fifteenth, two thousand. I implanted that ankle in Marine Private First Class Thomas Dorn. GIBBS: What can you tell me about him? PETERS: I can tell you a lot about his ankle. I don't even remember the rest of him. GIBBS: Seems to be a recurring problem. PETERS: The ankle? GIBBS: No, the rest of him. His leg was found in a Clarksburg, West Virginia, trash bin early this morning. PETERS: Just the leg? GIBBS: So far. PETERS: How deteriorated was the leg? GIBBS: It wasn't. The M.E. estimated he died within the previous twenty four hours. (BEAT) Is there a problem? PETERS: According to his military record, P-F-C Dorn died two years ago. (CUT TO BLACK) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: P-F-C Dorn's service record. He was only in the Corps eleven months before the accident. He was about to get a medical discharge when he died. KATE: Got the death certificate signed by a Doctor Silvia Chalmers in Harmony, West Virginia. TONY: Harmony? KATE: Yeah, population sixteen hundred. Sounds cute, doesn't it? GIBBS: Cause of death myocardial infarction. Heart attack at twenty two? KATE: As Abby would say... pretty hinky. TONY: I do believe the die is cast, however. If your parents and grandparents live to be old, so will you. GIBBS: I had an aunt who died at seven. TONY: It's just a theory. GIBBS: Where's the autopsy report? KATE: There isn't one. GIBBS: You mean you didn't find it. KATE: No. I mean no autopsy. The doctor signed a death certificate but that was it. TONY: Small towns. You can get away with murder. GIBBS: The hell you can! You find the doctor in Harmony. Why there was no autopsy report. Find out where this body is buried. You get a court order to dig up P-F-C Dorn and you have that body shipped back here to Ducky. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - DAY DUCKY: Abby! ABBY: Ducky! DUCKY: Find anything? ABBY: Nothing yet. I'll tell you one thing, though, this guy had huge feet. I could wear his sock as a leg warmer. DUCKY: What are you implying, Abby? ABBY: I'm not implying anything. You know what they say about guys with big hands and big feet, right? DUCKY: What? ABBY: They're clowns. (DUCKY CHUCKLES) ABBY: Oh, I got something. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR - MOVING TONY: What are you so happy about? KATE: I'm just looking forward to Harmony. TONY: Do you really like small towns? KATE: Peace and quiet. A place where people know you by name. No Blockbuster or Starbucks on every corner. What's not to like? TONY: It's too quiet. Everybody knows your name. There's no Blockbusters or Starbucks on every corner. KATE: A big city just can't give you what small towns can, Tony. It's a simpler way of life. A slice of Americana. TONY: Hmm. One that doesn't include fifty yard line seats to the Redskins or women with full sets of teeth. KATE: Yeah, it always comes back to that, doesn't it? TONY: See? You do get me. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY ABBY: Hey Gibbs, I ran the partial we pulled off the leg through the military database. GIBBS: Yeah. ABBY: No match. But I did find a piece of straw on the sock. GIBBS: What kind? ABBY: The hay kind. Just your regular basic straw. Sorry. GIBBS: Thanks, Abs. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY KATE: This is just how I pictured it. TONY: This is just how I pictured it. (DOOR OPENS) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY (SFX: WINDOW SLIDES OPEN) DARLENE: Can I help you? TONY: I'm sure you can. I'm Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, NCIS. You can call me Tony. We'd like to talk to Doctor Chalmers. Uh... Darlene. DARLENE: Okay. KATE: Why don't you just give her a breast exam? TONY: In good time. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - DAY ABBY: Our seed matured and fell in late fall. It comes from a monoecious yellow flower. Not too showy. The male and female appearing in March to April in separate spherical hems. The leaf is palmately veined, it's four to eight inches wide, ovate in shape and has three to five lobes. GIBBS: Abby, are we ever going to get to the tree? ABBY: Platanus occidentalis. Or more commonly known as... GIBBS: A sycamore tree. ABBY: I'm afraid so. GIBBS: Pretty much grow everywhere, don't they? ABBY: Yep. CHALMERS: (V.O.) It was a tragedy. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - DAY CHALMERS: He was such a nice looking young Marine. KATE: Had you met him before? CHALMERS: No. No, he didn't live around here. TONY: Just walked in? CHALMERS: Well I was the only doctor for forty miles at the time. TONY: Doctor Burger on the sign - is he a new addition? CHALMERS: He's buying out my practice. I still see some of the older patients who don't trust a young doctor. He's only thirty seven. KATE: Hmmm... and who brought PFC Dorn into your office? CHALMERS: I believe he just walked in. Thelma could have told you. Thelma Bowman, my nurse. She died last summer. Stroke. We were together, doctor and nurse, for nearly thirty years. KATE: I'm sorry. CHALMERS: So am I. You saw that young thing Doctor Burger hired to replace her. TONY: Sure did. KATE: I'm sorry, go on. CHALMERS: Well, Thelma brought this young Marine into my office, set him right down there in that chair. He couldn't catch his breath. He was suffering extreme chest pains. Classic heart attack symptoms. TONY: Why didn't Thelma just take him to an examination room? CHALMERS: Well, we only had one and let's see... I think the Thomas twins was in there with the measles. Well anyway, before I could get up from this chair... he'd collapsed right where you're standing now. And I administered CPR while Thelma called County looking for the ambulance, only it was over at a car accident way out in Turtle Creek. TONY: The county only has one ambulance? CHALMERS: You've never lived in a small county, have you, son? TONY: Fortunately, no. CHALMERS: Well, it has its compensations. Anyway, by the time the ambulance got here, young Dorn had expired. KATE: Why didn't the coroner do an autopsy? CHALMERS: Well I...I didn't feel there was a need to. TONY: You're the coroner? CHALMERS: I was. It's pro bono work. Doctor Burger's coroner now. I did do a blood test and found elevated levels of cardiac enzymes. That and his symptoms seemed sufficient. KATE: Not anymore. We're getting a court order to exhume the body. CHALMERS: Oh, my. I'm afraid that's going to be impossible. KATE: You had him cremated? CHALMERS: No, I didn't. His sister did. She was so upset when she identified the body. She didn't have the money to ship him home and she wanted to scatter his ashes over the Blue Ridge Mountains. I told her I really should do an autopsy, but she was so distraught over the... the thought of him being cut up. KATE: You let her talk you out of it? CHALMERS: Oh, I have known the pain of loss. I'm afraid I let hers affect me more than it should have, professionally. That never happened to me in all my years as a doctor. That was when I decided it was time to retire and sell my practice. TONY: Do you recognize this Marine? CHALMERS: No I don't. Why, should I? TONY: He's PFC Thomas Dorn. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. DOCTOR'S BUILDING - DAY (DOOR OPENS) KATE: What are you thinking? TONY: Estee Lauder. KATE: The perfume?(DOOR CLOSES) TONY: She was wearing it. Older ladies seem to like it. Had an ex-girlfriend who used it. KATE: Is that why she's an ex-girlfriend? TONY: Exactly. How does a sister misidentify her brother? KATE: She doesn't. TONY: Are we going to have to report the autopsy screw up? KATE: Oh, do I detect a soft heart thing happening here? TONY: That's it, isn't it? The tattoo's a heart. KATE: We're back on that again. TONY: I just can't imagine you getting a tattoo, that's all. KATE: I was drunk. TONY: I can't imagine you drunk either. (KATE AND TONY CLIMB INTO THE CAR) (CAR DOORS OPEN/CLOSE) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR - DAY TONY: So if it's not a heart... KATE: It's a rose. On my butt. Can we move on now? TONY: Sure. KATE: So we are done with this then? TONY: We are done. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. STREET - DAY TONY: (V.O.) Kate, which cheek is it on? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM GIBBS: What killed him? ABBY: Digitalis. GIBBS: The heart medication? ABBY: Yep. The tox level in Dorn's leg alone was enough to kill a bull. GIBBS: Would an overdose give the symptoms of a heart attack? ABBY: Not just the symptoms. Oh, okay! So you think our leg and that Marine that died two years ago of a heart attack are tied together. GIBBS: I do not believe in coincidences. ABBY: What about that rock formation on the moon that looks like Jay Lenos' chin? TONY: It's perfectly normal. KATE: On a race track maybe. TONY: Women will never understand taking a car ride and trying to beat your best time. ABBY: I hate it when men do that. TONY: See, it's just a woman thing. GIBBS: How'd you do? TONY: Pretty good. I beat my time by four minutes including construction detours. GIBBS: In Harmony. TONY: Oh. Ahh...Doc Chalmers is a very sweet little old lady who unfortunately also happens to be the local coroner. Small town, Boss. Small town. KATE: A woman claiming to be Dorn's sister I.D.'d the body and then conned her into skipping the autopsy and cremating the body. ABBY: Cremation. It's a dead end. (BEAT) What? GIBBS: This woman must be some sweet talker. KATE: Well, it's more Doctor Chalmers is a very connable little old lady. TONY: Probably gets her roof shingled and driveway tarred every year. GIBBS: Does Dorn even have a sister? KATE: His military file indicates his only living relative is a half sister, Melissa Dorn. GIBBS: You put a trace on her? KATE: Well, I did the best I can balancing my laptop while pulling five G turns. TONY: Ha! That's an exaggeration, Boss. I mean, maybe three G's once. KATE: Ten Mill Road, Comus, Maryland. GIBBS: Keys. TONY: What? I can't drive 'cause Kate's chicken? KATE: I'm not a chicken. GIBBS: You can't drive 'cause you're not going. TONY: Oh, that's different. Where am I going? GIBBS: You're doing a background check on Melissa Dorn. Kate, are you coming? TONY: Abs, do you know where Kate has her tat? ABBY: Yeah. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. HOUSE - DAY (CAR BRAKES TO A STOP) GIBBS: Watch her body language. KATE: What are we looking for, short of a confession? GIBBS: Sometimes it's not what they say, it's what they don't say. KATE: Which translates into, we don't have a search warrant and this is the easiest way in. (CAR DOORS OPEN/CLOSE) KATE: What's wrong? GIBBS: You know what kind of tree this is? KATE: Botany was my weakest subject. GIBBS: Sycamore. (MUSIC OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MELISSA DORN'S HOUSE - DAY (KNOCK ON DOOR) (DOOR OPENS) MELISSA: Hi. Can I help you? GIBBS: You already have. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY (SFX: CLOCK CHIMES B.G.) MELISSA: You would have liked Howard. He was the life of the party. KATE: He was your half brother. MELISSA: Yeah. We were raised by our father. Do you have any brothers and sisters? GIBBS: No. MELISSA: An only child? I figured as much. GIBBS: Hmm. How so? MELISSA: You have all the classic traits of a first born; confident, and pays attention to detail, perfectionist, difficulty sharing. GIBBS: Guilty, guilty, guilty. Depends. MELISSA: Hmm. So why the visit after two years? KATE: We're working on another case. There might be a tenuous connection. MELISSA: How can I help? KATE: Do you have any of your brother's personal effects? KATE: Anything that I didn't donate I threw away. It would've made me sad. Oh, where are my manners? Would you like some coffee? GIBBS: Oh, yeah, I'd love some coffee. KATE: None for me, thanks. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. KITCHEN - DAY GIBBS: This may be the cleanest kitchen I've ever seen. MELISSA: Well that's because it's never been used. GIBBS: You're not the domestic type, huh? MELISSA: I eat over the sink so I don't have plates to wash. GIBBS: Do you even have plates? MELISSA: Paper. GIBBS: This is a big house for one person. MELISSA: And two cats. Do you like cats? GIBBS: They don't like me. MELISSA: How can you tell? GIBBS: By the way they look at me. MELISSA: I hate to break it to you, but cats only have one expression. GIBBS: Hmm. Thank you. MELISSA: You should actually try it before you thank me. GIBBS: Yeah, it's perfect. Thank you. MELISSA: Really? (MELISSA SIPS GIBBS' CUP) MELISSA: You're right. GIBBS: I like your tattoo. MELISSA: It means... GIBBS: Peace, health, prosperity. MELISSA: You know Chinese. Any other hidden talents I should know about? GIBBS: I can sample the frosting on a cake without leaving a fingerprint. MELISSA: Wow! This is um... going to sound terrible, but... I hope whatever you're investigating is... is tied to Tom. GIBBS: Why? MELISSA: Then I wouldn't need to make up an excuse to see you. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. DORN HOUSE - DAY KATE: You weren't buying any of that, were you? GIBBS: Any of what? KATE: You know, her charm. GIBBS: Is it really that hard to believe, Kate, that I might be attractive to a woman? KATE: That's not what I meant. GIBBS: Did you find us anything that'll get us a search warrant? KATE: Well, she told you that she lives alone, but the toilet seat was up in the downstairs bathroom. GIBBS: Oh, you can tell that one to the judge. KATE: Okay, well Abby found a piece of straw in Dorn's sock and there is a barn around the back. (BEAT) Okay, I found nothing to give us probable cause. GIBBS: Maybe I did. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY GIBBS: Question, can you match DNA from trees like you can with humans? ABBY: Absolutely. Plant DNA, like human DNA, is unique to each plant, so you can distinguish one sycamore tree from another. GIBBS: Abby, try matching these to the seed we found in Dorn's boot. ABBY: Is the other sample from another location? GIBBS: No, same tree. ABBY: So you want me to run the test twice? GIBBS: Yeah. How long before you have something on both samples? ABBY: Depends on whether or not you want it fast or you want it right. GIBBS: Both. ABBY: Both. Hmm... four...seven... divided by... six hours. GIBBS: Clock's ticking, Abs. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: Six letter word for a reason to commit a crime? Come on, don't tense up. Starts with M. KATE: Murder. TONY: No. Motive. KATE: Murder is a motive. GIBBS: What do you have? TONY: Six letter word for reason to commit crime. GIBBS: DiNozzo. TONY: That's seven letters. GIBBS: Works for me. What do you got? TONY: PFC Dorn purchased a term policy for three quarters of a million two months before his heart attack in Harmony. The beneficiary is his only living relative... KATE: His half sister Melissa. She and Dorn fed some sucker digitalis and dropped him off in Harmony. TONY: Harmony - a small crappy town where she identifies the sucker as her brother, cons the old lady coroner with crocodile tears into cremating the body and not performing an autopsy. GIBBS: The insurance company paid the claim? TONY: Sure did. GIBBS: Get the name of the adjuster? TONY: Stanley Gordon, Rexford Mutual, Baltimore. GIBBS: Why are you two still here? MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. CAR - MOVING TONY: Come on, Kate. You're only going ten miles over the limit. KATE: And that's pushing it. TONY: What good is it being an armed Federal agent if you can't drive fast? KATE: You get to shoot bad guys. TONY: True. KATE: You should have seen Gibbs with Melissa. TONY: He threaten to shoot her? KATE: No, just the opposite. He was flirting with her. I didn't think he had it in him. TONY: Well, he had it in him at some point. He has been married three times - all redheads. KATE: Melissa's a redhead. TONY: 'Explains it. KATE: Well so is that woman who picks him up now and then. Who is she? TONY: Not a clue. KATE: So he could really be attracted to Melissa? TONY: You can't control who you're attracted to. The whole Julia Roberts, Lyle Lovett thing proves that. Billy Joel, Christie Brinkley. KATE: I get it. TONY: Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton KATE: You haven't answered my question. TONY: (OVERLAP) ...That guy from the - if you're asking me whether Gibbs would get involved with a murder suspect, the answer is no. KATE: Three redheaded ex-wives shows his judgment is a little questionable. TONY: None of them were murder suspects. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. STREET - DAY TONY: (V.O.) Although I don't know about the redhead who picks him up now and then. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INSURANCE OFFICE - DAY BORDEN: A twenty-two year old Marine buys a term life policy for seven hundred and fifty grand, then kicks two months later from a heart attack? (CHUCKLES) No way I wanted to pay that claim. TONY: But you did. BORDEN: I was overruled from upstairs. KATE: Three quarter of a million dollar question. Why? BORDEN: The sister threatened to sue. Juries get angry when insurance companies don't pay, especially to the only survivor of a Marine injured while serving his county. They tend to award very large multimillion dollar payments as punishment. KATE: Cheaper to pay her off. BORDEN: Our form of insurance. TONY: Did anything turn up in your investigation? BORDEN: Nothing that would convince a jury. TONY: Try us. BORDEN: Okay. But you two think like her lawyer. Why'd he buy a big policy at such a young age and name a half-sister beneficiary? TONY: Half sister or not, she was his only living relative. And why'd your salesman sell it to him if it was so unusual? BORDEN: Why was he cremated before an autopsy could be performed, at his sister's request? KATE: Coroner thought an autopsy was unnecessary. Many people prefer cremation over tombs. BORDEN: Do I need to go on? TONY: No, but you made your point. BORDEN: If you can prove this was a scam, we'll recover something...if only satisfaction. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY DUCKY: Six cups and it isn't even noon. GIBBS: Oh, Duck, this one's bothering me. DUCKY: So Abby said. You have her doing the same test twice. GIBBS: Dorn's leg shows up in a trash big. Tox screen shows digitalis, which is probably what he and or his sister gave the Marine in Harmony two years ago to pull off an insurance scam. DUCKY: Sounds reasonable. GIBBS: So who killed Dorn a few days ago? Why toss his leg into a trash bin? And why can't we find the rest of his body? DUCKY: I recall a case in the Forensic Journal where the only evidence was a thumb found in the coin return of a pay phone. GIBBS: Yeah? And? DUCKY: Well, that's the only the part I remember. GIBBS: Oh, Ducky, this is not helping me. DUCKY: Well have you identified the body the sister claims was Dorn's? GIBBS: Cremated and spread over the Blue Ridge Mountains. DUCKY: Oh, that does pose a problem. GIBBS: Duck. DUCKY: Hmm? GIBBS: Who would you get to pose as a Marine? DUCKY: You. (GIBBS LAUGHS) GIBBS: Yeah. (GIBBS WALKS O.S.) DUCKY: Well, I would. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. NCIS LAB - DAY ABBY: Match! (SFX: BEEP TONES) ABBY: It's not from the same tree. (MUSIC OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. ARMORED UNIT - DAY GUNNY VESTA: The manual says it takes three minutes to change a tire on L-A-V Twenty Five. The manual is written by an Army pogue. I say Marines can do it in less than two. What do you way? MARINES: Ooorah! GUNNY VESTA: Make it happen. GIBBS: Gunny Vesta. Special Agent Gibbs, NCIS. GUNNY VESTA: I recall an M.P. Gibbs at Lejeune. Long time ago. GIBBS: Could be. GUNNY VESTA: He was high and tight. GIBBS: Not exactly long and shaggy, Gunny. GUNNY VESTA: Seen sheep dogs shorter. GIBBS: Don't recall you. GUNNY VESTA: Court Street. J-ville. GIBBS: I broke up a lot of brawls there. GUNNY VESTA: Yeah, I was one of them. Got me a week in the brig. GIBBS: Gonna hold that against me? GUNNY VESTA: Naw. You was one of the better prison chasers. You gave us smoke breaks on our work detail. That's why I remember you. (SHOUTS) Forty five seconds! How can I help you, Gibbs? GIBBS: PVC Thomas Dorn. GUNNY VESTA: Ain't heard that sandbagger's name since he O.D.ed a couple years ago. GIBBS: Death certificate says heart attack. GUNNY VESTA: Coke induced, I'll bet. GIBBS: If he was a cokehead, why didn't you boot his butt out? GUNNY VESTA: Car accident beat me to it. GIBBS: He have any buds? GUNNY VESTA: A couple. He was tight with a Corporal Morgan. He went U-A same time Dorn kicked. GIBBS: But you never found him, right? GUNNY VESTA: Not that I heard of. Probably holed up in some backwater-ville with that redhead they used to run with. GIBBS: Melissa. GUNNY VESTA: Yeah, that's her name. She was a fox. And both Dorn and Morgan were shacking up with her. You know her? GIBBS: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I know her. She's Dorn's half sister. GUNNY VESTA: She didn't act like no sister. (SHOUTS) Minute thirty! Why are you asking about this now? GIBBS: Dorn's leg was found deep sixed in a dumpster two days ago. GUNNY VESTA: Two days? Some ghoul dig him up? GIBBS: No. He had boucoup life insurance. From what you just told me, it looks like he and Melissa killed Corporal Morgan, she identified the body as Dorn, cremated him, and claimed the insurance. GUNNY VESTA: (BEAT) Who killed Dorn? GIBBS: Well, foxy lady may be a black widow. MARINES: (SHOUT) Ooorah! GUNNY VESTA: You want to tell them? GIBBS: (LONG BEAT) Ooorah! MARINES: (SHOUT) Ooorah! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - DAY GIBBS: Hey, what's wrong? ABBY: Look at it. GIBBS: It looks like a match. ABBY: Precisely. GIBBS: Good work, Abby. ABBY: No it's not! You gave me two samples from the same tree. "B" matched and "A" didn't. I screwed up! GIBBS: Sycamore "A" was from a tree down the street. ABBY: What?! GIBBS: The idea of matching plant DNA was a bit hinky for me. ABBY: Oh ye of little faith. GIBBS: Abby, come on. All I did was give you a blind test. ABBY: Well, you could have done that by not telling me which sample came from the suspect's sycamore. GIBBS: I didn't think of that. ABBY: Oh! GIBBS: This puts Dorn at Melissa's house. Do you know what that means? ABBY: You've got probable cause. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. MELISSA DORN'S HOUSE - DAY GIBBS: Tony you take the barn. Kate, you got the house. (VAN DOORS SLIDE OPEN) KATE: What're you gonna take? That didn't come out right. Not what I meant. GIBBS: Yeah, I know what you meant.(CAR DOORS OPEN/CLOSE) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MELISSA DORN'S HOUSE - DAY (KNOCK ON DOOR) (DOOR OPENS) MELISSA: Well, was my coffee that good? GIBBS: We're here to execute a search warrant. MELISSA: For what? My brother died two years ago. His body was cremated. (DOOR CLOSES) GIBBS: Don't you mean it was Corporal Morgan's body that was cremated? MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. BARN - DAY TONY: This has to be the cleanest barn ever. If she uses a service, I've got to have that number. (INTERCUT FLASHBACK SCENES OF THE BODY) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY MELISSA: I really don't know what you think you're going to find here. Why do you keep staring at me? I could never have killed Tommy. I loved him! GIBBS: A Gunny who knew both of you told me the same thing. Funny, though, he didn't know that you were brother and sister. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BARN - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION) (SFX: STATIC BEEP TONES) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LIVING ROOM GIBBS: Looks like you could use a glass of water. (GIBBS GETS WATER FROM THE KITCHEN) (MUSIC OVER ACTION/MELISSA SIPS THE WATER) GIBBS: (TO KATE) Thank you. Have Abby compare her prints with those on her brother's leg. (DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) TONY: Blood on the floor. Nicks in the concrete. Looks like they were made by a power saw. That's got to be where she did her slicing and dicing. (TONY LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM AND PULLS OUT HIS GUN) GIBBS: (BEAT) What? TONY: There's someone else. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/TONY WALKS UP STAIRS AND INTO THE BEDROOM) (DOORS OPEN) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY KATE: Who else is here? Who else is here? MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. BEDROOM - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/TONY AND GIBBS MOVE INTO THE BEDROOM) TONY: Boss, I'd like you to meet Doctor Sylvia Chalmers who loves Estee Lauder. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LIVING ROOM KATE: Doctor Chalmers! CHALMERS: Good afternoon, Agent Todd! KATE: You were in on it! CHALMERS: In on what, my dear? MELISSA: They know, Momma. TONY AND KATE: (IN UNISON) Momma? CHALMERS: They didn't know I was your momma 'till you told them, dear. I know I should have told you all back in Harmony, but the mother in me had to protect my only child. It was wrong, I know that. But her wicked half-brother intimidated her into defrauding an insurance company when his friend had a heart attack. GIBBS: Brought on by an overdose of digitalis. CHALMERS: Well what in the world would make you think that? Couldn't be from a forensic test. Melissa had his body cremated. GIBBS: Hey, notice how it's all you, Melissa? CHALMERS: A Marine has a heart attack in my office. Melissa identifies him as her half-brother... who I've never met. Now how am I involved? MELISSA: Mother! CHALMERS: Melissa. You defrauded an insurance company. I'm afraid you're going to have to take your punishment for that...and only that. GIBBS: Boy, oh boy, you are good. But so are we. We found your digitalis in Thomas Dorn's leg. CHALMERS: My digitalis?! Every doctor and hospital in this country uses digitalis. GIBBS: Each order has its own chemical marker. How else would a manufacturer recall a specific batch in a quality control problem? MELISSA: You shouldn't have done it, Mama. CHALMERS: Calm yourself, Melissa. Just calm yourself. They can only prove that you defrauded an insurance company. MELISSA: No, Mama. They can prove everything. They know you killed him with digitalis. They know you cut up Tommy into little pieces and they know you threw him away in the garbage-- (CHALMERS HITS MELISSA) CHALMERS: (SHOUTS) Stop! She's just hysterical. You can't use any of this in court. GIBBS: She was read her rights. She waived them. We can use it all. We will. CHALMERS: You little fool. They couldn't prove anything. MELISSA: I don't care anymore, Mama. I loved Tommy and you murdered him. (MELISSA SOBS B.G.) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: They just found the left arm in the garbage dump at Chiefton. KATE: So where does that leave us? TONY: That's a right arm from Katy Lick, a torso from Marshville and the original leg from the dumpster in Clarksburg. KATE: Still no head or left leg? TONY: Well, which I'm betting are going to be turning up around Lake Floyd or Jarvisville. ABBY: Did you check Hooterville? TONY: Where's Hooterville? ABBY: You guys, Petty Coat Junction. Green Acres. Hooterville. TONY: I prefer TV shows from this century. ABBY: Oh come on, they're hilarious! When we were in college we had this drinking game and the drugs collect in a solvent layer and that leaves only proteins and biological material behind. TONY: Huh? KATE: That's great, Abby. I'll make sure to get that in the report. TONY: What report? GIBBS: We've got Humpty Dumpty back together? KATE: Most of him. TONY: Melon and left leg are still outstanding. GIBBS: Any more tattoos? TONY: Just the rose on Kate's butt. GIBBS: It's not a rose. KATE: (BEAT) He doesn't know. He's lying just like he did about the digitalis. Okay, tell them. Gibbs? (MUSIC OUT)	Plan: A: the severed leg; Q: What part of a marine is found in a dumpster? A: burial; Q: What is Kate and Tony ordered to find the marine's place of? A: the body; Q: What do Kate and Tony exhume? A: years ago; Q: When was the marine cremated? A: a very distraught woman; Q: Who claimed to be the marine's sister? A: an old Marine buddy; Q: Who does Gibbs talk to about the woman claiming to be the marine's sister? A: NCIS; Q: What team decides to investigate closer to home? A: a deep secret; Q: What are the mother and daughter guarding? Summary: When the severed leg of a marine is discovered in a dumpster, Gibbs and the team immediately run into a problem - identifying who the leg belongs to and finding the rest of his body. Kate and Tony are ordered to find the marine's place of burial and exhume the body, only to discover that the marine to whom the leg belongs to was apparently cremated years ago by a very distraught woman claiming to be the deceased marine's sister. Gibbs talks to an old Marine buddy of his and discovers that there is more to this "sister" than meets the eye. The NCIS team decide to investigate closer to home where they uncover a mother and daughter who are both guarding a deep secret.
[Scene: Outside Capeside High. Students are getting ready to get on to a bus for the Senior Ski trip and Gretchen has just dropped off Joey and Pacey at the Bus.] Gretchen: Senior ski trip is a Capeside rite of passage, absolutely guaranteed to be chock-full of the cruel and unusual. Joey: Well, knowing our class, I highly doubt it. Gretchen: Well, let's just say when I went, somebody got pregnant, somebody got arrested, and this one girl's hair caught on fire. Pacey: Joey'll probably keep me out of jail and Lamaze, and I guess I'll watch out for your hair. Gretchen: Well, have fun. You've earned it. Pacey: Bye. Joey: Bye. Gretchen: Bye. Um...Joey? You might want to give Dawson a call sometime this weekend. With everything that's going on, I'm sure he'd appreciate it. Joey: Thank you. [Jen and Jack come walking to the bus carrying their bags.] Jen: You know, I really shouldn't even be going on this trip. With brooks the way he is, I should be back in the hospital with Grams. Jack: Dawson's with Grams. I mean, they'll take care of one another. Don't worry about it. You're gonna have some fun this weekend. Jen: Ha! Jack: That's what they'd want. Jen: Fun. That's not likely. Oh, come on, senior trips are notoriously awful. And as a rule of thumb, anything that you look forward to for too long is invariably a disappointment. Pacey: The eternal optimist speaks. Jen: I promise to make an effort, but... Pacey: Hey. Everything cool? Joey: Absolutely. Pacey: You know, this is exactly what we need. Joey: What do we need? Pacey: Well, it's good for people to get out of town. Joey: People like us? Pacey: Well, just... People who need to... Get out of town. Joey: Are we those types of people? Pacey: Well, I don't know. Do you think we're those types of people? [One of the boys on the bus opens the windows and shouts.] Boy: Everyone who plans on getting laid this weekend, get on board! [Shouting and cheering] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: On the bus. Mr. Kasdan is doing roll call to make sure they are ready to leave for the trip.] Kasdan: roll call! Berger! Girl: Here. Kasdan: Brown! Boy: Here. Kasdan: Holmes. Jen: It just occurred to me... Not only do I have no desire to ski, I also haven't the faintest clue how. This could be a very dangerous weekend for me. Jack: Well, I could teach you a few things. Jen: [Chuckles] well, in that case, it could be a very dangerous weekend for both of us. Jack: Whether or not you choose to ski is irrelevant. You know, it's common knowledge that these senior trips are not really about what goes on during the day. Jen: Tch. You don't say! Kasdan: Potter! Joey: Um...Here. Kasdan: Price! Price! Penelope price! [From the seat behind them, Anna from last week calls out.] Anna: Here! Drue: Lucy, Ricky... We've gotta stop meetin' like this. Remember Anna? Anna: Hey, guys. [Up in the front seats, Jack and Jen are sitting together.] Jack: If sexual misadventures were an option for me, I'd be all over it... So to speak. Jen: One word: Tobey. Jack: Oh, god, Jen, come on. You're like a broken record. Jen: But I just don't understand. You still haven't given me one good reason. Uh... Is he--is he too cute? Is he-- is he too intelligent? Jack: No, no. It's just-- he's very...You know, he's very--he's Jen: blond? Jack: Not blond. He's gay. All right? He's very gay. It's just when it's that obvious... You know... It's a bit of a turnoff, that's all. Jen: How about...Too straight? Is too straight a turnoff? [Pacey and Joey turn around to look at Drue and Anna.] Pacey: You really think you're gonna get away with this? Drue: Please. By the time our absentminded professor notices the difference, we're gonna be halfway up the mountain. And, uh... You know what would really suck? [He leans over to Pacey.] Bein' the only guy not chalkin' one up this weekend. Right? [Scene: The Capeside Hospital. Grams is sitting in Mr. Brooks' room when Dawson comes in to join her.] Grams: Glad you came. Good to have some company. Dawson: So what do the doctors say? Grams: What can they say? More bad news delivered in even tones. He remains in a coma brought on by pills. The machines they've attached to him are keeping him with us, but...Even with all the best modern technology can offer... It's still cancer. Dawson: Doesn't make sense. I mean, he's... Well, look at him. He's stuck between dying and dead. Grams: You know, I was sitting here... Before you came in, trying to... Picture this whole thing through Arthur's eyes... Find the...Perfect biting last word... [Chuckles softly] watching the nurses and doctors come and go, taking blood, checking the monitors, but... At the end of the day, no matter what they do... It's in god's hands. [Scene: The Ski Resort. They are all getting off the bus and getting their luggage together. Joey grabs her enormous bags, while Pacey is carrying his grocery bag luggage. Joey is obviously overburdened with her luggage.] Pacey: Ok, missy self-reliance, please let me give you a hand. Joey: I carried it to the bus. I can carry 'em from the bus. Pacey: Oh, this is ridiculous. Come on. [Everyone gathers around Mr. Kasdan, as he prepares to tell everyone about the rooms.] Kasdan: Everyone! Purdon here is gonna be handing out the room keys. And before you get all excited, I want you to know the sleeping arrangements tonight are gonna be same sx. Also, all the keys to the mini-bar have been duly confiscated. [He hands the keys to his aid and turns to walk away.] Which way to that bar? [After he leaves. Drue walks over to his aide and grabs the container full of keys.] Drue: You look like you could use a little help there, Purdon. Joey and Pacey, one for you. It's got a king, comes with a roll-away in case things don't work out.[Throws a key to Pacey.] Jack. Jen. Obviously no sexual complications there. Any room should do. [Throws a key to Jack.] This one's mine. [Takes a key for himself, then gives the keys back to the aide.] That's for you. Good luck. Jack: Since when did obnoxiousness become an adequate substitute for wit? Jen: Ignore him. We're making an effort not to complain this weekend. We're just gonna have fun [Jen slips on the ice and falls down.] [Scene: Outside the Capeside Hospital. The doctor comes out to stop Dawson before he leaves.] Doctor: Mr. Leery. Dawson: Dr. Bronin. Doctor: There's something pressing I need to talk to you about. Dawson: Uh, about brooks? Doctor: Would--would you feel more comfortable in my office? Dawson: No. I'm fine. Doctor: Well, our files indicate that you signed what's called a health care proxy for Mr. Brooks. Is--is that correct? Dawson: Yeah. That was just so I could help him out with his medications. Doctor: Oh, I'm sure. Um...But the situation has changed, and given he has no immediate family, so have your responsibilities. Dawson: Meaning? Doctor: Dawson... Maybe you want to call your parents. [Scene: The Doctor's office. Mitch, gale and Grams have joined Dawson in the office with the Doctor. They are talking about the situations at hand.] Mitch: He signed the papers so that he could pick up the guy's medicine. Doctor: I know why he signed it. Gale: That piece of paper should not give a teenage boy the responsibility to decide when and how a man should die. Doctor: It is state law. Gale: It shouldn't be his choice. Doctor: You're right. It shouldn't be, Mrs. Leery, but it is. It's probably best if I leave for you to discuss this amongst yourselves. Dawson: What are the chances that he's gonna wake up before he dies? Doctor: I don't know. But trust me, even if I did, it would not make your decision any easier. I'm sorry. [The doctor leaves.] Mitch: Well, uh... I guess given the situation we're in here, it would seem to me the only humane thing to do Gale: Mitch. Mitch: Gale, I don't want to talk about it either, but here we are. Gale: Dawson, you don't have to make any decisions. Dawson: Mom, I do. But how do I know what's best? Mitch: You won't know, son. It's not that kind of choice. [Scene: Cuts of scenes of all the high school students having fun in the snow.] Boy: Run! Run! Run! [Everyone shouting] [Cut to inside Joey and Pacey's room. Where they are unpacking their stuff and Joey is visually cold.] Pacey: just like last summer. Minus the water and the hammocks. Joey: And the boat. Pacey: Yeah. That, too. But it does have the 2 most important ingredients-- you and I. I mean, just toss a "do not disturb" sign on the door and pretend like we're anchored off the coast of Joey: Greenland? It's freezing in here. Pacey: What do you say? A little junk food? A little television? Joey: In other words, just a... Typical Friday night in Capeside? Pacey: No, not a typical Friday night in Capeside. This place has way more channels. [Pacey turns on the TV and there is a soft-core p0rn movie playing on TV] Pacey: how do you suppose they got in that position? [Turns off TV] Pacey: come on, please tell me we can laugh about this now. Joey: Laugh about what? Pacey: sx. Tell me that we can laugh about sx now, 'cause it seems to me that's the only rational thing to do. You can't enshrine it. You can't run from it 'cause it's everywhere. It's like food and water and air. Joey: Well, can't we just... Breathe something else? Pacey: You realize how ridiculous that sounds, right? Joey: Pace, it's just a weekend, and I really don't want to spend it like we spent the past week. Pacey: Which is how? Joey: Having this incredible tension between us every time we get within 3 feet of each other. Pacey: Well, I'm not feeling tense. I'm feeling relaxed. I'm on vacation, Jo. Joey: Really? Pacey: Yes, really. Joey: So we're in complete agreement here? Pacey: I don't know what we're agreeing about, but I'm sure we're in complete agreement about it. Joey: We're agreeing that this weekend does not have to be about sx. Pacey: This weekend doesn't have to be about sx. [Scene: Jen and Jack's Room. Jen is lying on the bed rubbing her sore ankle. While Jack is unpacking some of his stuff.] Jen: What if it needs to be amputated? Jack: You want to go find a doctor right now? Jen: No, 'cause it's probably just bruised. Jack: That's what I thought. You know what else? Jen: What? Jack: I'm not gonna let this interfere with our vacation in any way, because you and I are gonna have some serious fun, even if I have to carry you around on my shoulders for the next 3 days. Jen: Well, the fun's gonna start with you taking off my pants. I want to take a bath before dinner. [She gets ready to stand up.] Ow! Jack: Actually, I can't do that. Jen: Why? Jack: 'Cause you're a girl and I'm a boy, and, you know, there's, like, boundaries and rules. Jen: Jack, I hardly think they're gonna kick you off the team for helping me into the tub. Please? Jack: It's inappropriate. Jen: You know, you're gonna have to stop clinging to these ridiculous macho conventions about what is and is not appropriate. Ok, fine. Don't help. When I attach my wooden foot every morning for the rest of my life, I'm gonna remember this. Jack: Yeah. Well, whatever. [Jen begins to undo her shirt and pants.] Jack: Whoa! Yo, that's enough, right there. Jen: What? Jack: Would you want me taking my clothes off in front of you? [] Ok, that's withdrawn. Jen: Ooh! [Scene: Dawson's House. Dawson is looking at scenes of his and Mr. Brooks' movie trying to figure out what shots to use, when Gretchen comes in carrying a basket.] Gretchen: Hungry? Dawson: Oh, hey. Uh, yeah. I'm just-- I'm kind of busy, actually. Gretchen: Well, you gotta eat sometime, right? Dawson: Uh, yeah. I'm looking for some clips to add to the final sequence. Gretchen: You've been over that movie at least a thousand times. Come on, Dawson. You've got a lot going on in your head right now. I think some cheese and crackers might help. Dawson: Ok. Please tell me that you only brought one kind of cracker, 'cause I honestly don't think I can handle any more decisions right now. [Dawson goes and sits down at the table, while Gretchen reaches across the table and holds his hand.] Dawson: [Groans] how did I end up here? I mean, one minute, I'm painting the guy's fence, the next... [Sighs] you know, I'm 17 years old. I should be on my senior class trip right now, making decisions like glasses or goggles. Who do I room with? Is it safe to ski with a hangover? Gretchen: Well, it's never very nice. Dawson: [Sighs] what's that? Gretchen: When adulthood encroaches on your life. Dawson: I wish I could appreciate this on some sort of philosophical level right now. Gretchen: I know, but nobody expects you to. Dawson: Who was the first family member that you knew who died? Gretchen: My grandpa. He was absolutely the sweetest and funniest man alive, and he passed away on my eighth birthday. You? Dawson: My grandfather died when I was 2, but I've never lost a family member I was close to... And that's what I don't understand. I've had so little experience with death. How could brooks have been so sure that I would do what he wanted? Gretchen: You have better judgment than anyone I know, Dawson-- probably better than anybody that brooks knew, and that's why he chose you. I don't think he saw how young you were and figured that you would be more likely to contribute to his end. I think he saw how old your heart is, and he knew that whatever choice you made, it would be the right one. [Scene: Outside a fancy restaurant. Joey and Pacey are looking in the window at the place, trying to decide where to eat.] Pacey: This looks kind of quaint. [Jack and Jen come walking up.] Jack: Make way for the cripple. Jen: It's just a bruise. You guys going to Grecco's? Jack: It's a pizza place. Suppose to be right up the street here, actually. Red-checkered tablecloths, high school prices. Joey: Sounds fun. You sure you're ok? Jen: Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just gonna put my best foot forward. Jack: After you. Joey: Thank you. [They start walking up the street, and Jen slips on the ice a second time and falls straight on her back.] [Scene: Inside Grecco's Pizza House. Anna is telling everyone at the table about her sx life, as Joey and Pacey sit across from her trying to ignore her. Drue is just egging her on.] Anna: Oh! So, then I was like, "no way! That is so not possible in a dodge neon." Drue: Oh, what's the matter, potter? No personal experiences to contribute on the girls-just-wanna-have-fun front? Joey: The amount of sexual pleasure the average teenage girl gets from the average teenage guy in some random keg party hook-up is negligible at best. Anna: Unless you're doing it with a man who knows what he's doing. Drue: See? I rest my case. Girls have it way easier than guys do, right? There's no performance anxiety, and once they decide to do it, all they have to do is ask. They should be the ones carrying the condoms around in their wallets. [Guys cheer] Drue: thank you. Joey: Not every guy walks around with a condom in his wallet, Drue. Anna: Well, there's only one way to find out. Guys, let's go. Wallet. [All the boys take out their wallets and remove their condoms. Pacey just looks down at the table.] Anna: Pacey, I don't see your wallet. I forgot it back at the lodge. [Scene: Out side the restaurant. Joey and Pacey are on their way back to their room, when Joey stops him.] Joey: Hey, Pace, why didn't you want to show your wallet in there? Pacey: I told you, it's back at the lodge. Joey: It's in your pocket. [He hands her his wallet and she opens it to find a condom inside it.] [Scene: The Chaplet at the hospital. Grams is in praying when Dawson walks in and takes a seat next to her.] Dawson: I don't know why I'm here. Grams: That's as good a reason as any. Dawson: Did you come here to pray? Grams: Oh, yes, and also for the quiet. Dawson: What do you pray for, when you do? Grams: It depends. I pray for those who I love, for those who are no longer with me. What about you? Dawson: I don't know. I haven't done it since I was a kid, and then it was, you know, more of a wish, something I wanted but couldn't say out loud. Grams: If you could say it out loud, what would you want? Dawson: That's the thing. I have no idea. I mean... Do I pray for him to make it, to sit up in his bed and tell us that we've all been here long enough and it's time to go home, or do I pray for him to die, to ease his suffering? And I keep looking for some kind of sign. You know, something to confirm my instincts. Grams: What do your instincts tell you? Dawson: To keep waiting. Grams: Then that's what we'll do... Together. [Scene: Outside the Ski Resort. There are people ice skating while Joey sits on a table just watching them and thinking, when Jack comes over to join her.] Jack: It is just me, or does this place have a real strong John Hughes eighties vibe? Joey: You mean the slightly tacky quality? Jack: Sort of. No. I mean that authentic Americana youth stuff. You know, ice skating, mini golf, arcades. Nostalgia for a time we never really experienced. Joey: You're right. I'm sorry. I just-- I guess I'm just in a funk. Jack: What's your problem? Joey: sx. sx is my problem. sx is always my problem. I have so much conviction about waiting until the right moment, not feeling guilty or obligated, and I don't. Jack: Has it ever occurred to you that you might be so caught up in trying to find the right choice that you never really stopped to think about the possibility that there may not be a right choice or a wrong choice, just a bunch of choices? Joey: You're a real help. Jack: You don't need help. There's nothing to figure out here. It's only what you feel. Joey: Well, I feel fear. Jack: Well... The only really exciting things in life require more courage than we currently have. You know, deep breath and a leap. That kind of fear that you're talking about... Sometimes, it's how you know what's worthwhile. [Scene: Mr. Brooks' Hospital room. He is lying in bed on life support, while Dawson has fallen asleep sitting in a chair by the bed. Mr. Brooks' old friend (who took his girl) comes in, played by Andy Griffith.] Griffith: Well... You won, you old bstrd. You get to see her first. [Dawson wakes up, and looks over at him and recognizes him.] What's the matter with you, kid? You look like you've seen a ghost. Dawson: You're Griffith: oh, not many people remember those old pictures, especially not young people. You must be Arthur's grandson. The doctor said Dawson: I--I'm-- I'm not his grandson, actually. I'm, uh, I'm just a fan. Griffith: Oh. Dawson: He said he hadn't spoken to you in Griffith: 40 years. He wrote me last month, said he'd been a fool, asked for forgiveness. Forgive him for what? The only person he ever hurt was himself. I thought about calling after she passed away-- my wife Ellie. I figured he'd be the only one who would understand. Dawson: What stopped you? Griffith: Oh, I realized how much greater his hurt would be than mine, how many oceans bigger. All the years I had with Ellie-- 3 children, a home, a good life. Still, all that time, he had that part of her soul you give your first love. When he goes, he'll be with her. I suppose that's the way it should have always been. Well... Good-bye, Arthur. Thanks for writing and for staying till I could say good-bye. Dawson: Wait a minute. Please, don't leave. I... I don't know what to do. I'm not qualified to decide when a man should die. Griffith: In a situation like this, son, all that's required is a little faith. Dawson: I don't have that. I don't even know what that is. Griffith: Faith is believing in something when common sense tells you not to. Miracle on 34th street. Arthur always believed that the best answers for life's questions could be found in the movies. Crazy idea, huh? Dawson: Not so crazy. Griffith: A kindred spirit. [Scene: Jack and Jen's room. Jen is sitting on the floor by the open refrigerator, with several empty tiny liquor bottles lying on the floor, when Jack comes in.] Jen: [Laughs] forgive me. I was in all kinds of discomfort, and in lieu of sedatives and painkillers, I sought refuge in the next best medicine. Jack: How'd you get the mini-bar open? Jen: [Giggles] you'd be amazed what a girl can do with a hair clip and a little bit of time. Jack: [Chuckles] I wish you could see how pathetic this looks. [Sighs] Jen: tired? Jack: No. Actually, I'm very, very awake. Jen: Me, too. Jack: Tell you what I am tired of, though. I'm tired of feeling so numbed. You know, I always play everything so safe and harmless. I want to be dangerous, you know? I want to do something reckless and stupid tonight. Jen: Like what? Jack: I don't know. Get wasted, get in a fight, something. Jen: Tell you what. Have a drink with me now, and I'll fight you later. Jack: Sounds good. So, you're the expert on wild abandon and risky business? Isn't there something you really want to do? Jen: Yes. Jack: What is it? Jen: I want to sit here with you. [Scene: Joey and Pacey's room. There is a knock on the door and Joey opens it to see Anna outside in a bikini top.] Anna: Sorry. Hope I'm not interrupting. I just wanted to remind you guys about the hot tubs. Joey: We get the picture. Anna: I just wasn't sure if it was clear. Joey: Crystal. Anna: Ok. Well, see ya. [Anna leaves and Joey closes the door.] Joey: No comment? Pacey: Not really. Joey: Really? Virtually topless female comes knocking on our door, asking if Pacey can come out to play, and you don't have any comment? Pacey: Well, no matter what I say, you're just gonna take it wrong. Joey: Ok. So, uh, keep me posted should you form any thoughts that you're willing to put on record. Pacey: Oh, god, I sure am glad we tabled that whole sx discussion. You know, we've been having such a relaxing weekend so far, I'd hate to ruin it with a bunch of passive- aggressive insinuations. Joey: I'm really sorry, Pace, that all of my hang-ups and neuroses are putting a crimp in your social life. You know what? Why don't you just go join your friend in the hot tub and feel free Pacey: and give you something to be really pissed off about, right? That's what you want, is it? Joey: No. She's what you want, isn't she? Someone who's a little bit more fun? A little bit more experienced? A little bit more eager to help to make this a truly memorable weekend? Pacey: I want you, Jo, but there's no sense in me arguing the point if you're so eager to refute it. Joey: Look, I don't-- I don't doubt that you want me, Pacey. I just-- I don't know why or for what reason. Pacey: Ok. Please, just stop right there. You and I both know that if I was in this relationship for sx and sx alone, I would not have lasted for 9 months. Joey: No. No, you wouldn't have. Pacey: Look, Jo, I refuse to feel guilty about this, because the fact of the matter is, it's not a bad thing when you want to sleep with somebody when you love 'em as much as I love you. Joey: But there is something wrong with not wanting to. Pacey: No. No. I just wish I knew what that something was. I mean, I know that you're scared. I get it. You tell me that you want to be scared together, but then, you won't tell me what you're scared of, and I think you know exactly what it is. You're just too afraid to say his name. Joey: Dawson? That is not fair, Pacey. You can't bring his name up every single time our relationship Pacey: ok. Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. Look, look, look. I'll tell you what. Do you want to know what I'm scared of? 'Cause I'm not scared of whether or not we sleep together. If and when you and I decide to do that, it will be right. What I am scared of is that little piece of your heart that will always belong to Dawson leery. Ok? I'm scared of that piece of your heart that always envisioned your first time being with him. I'm scared of that part of you that just doesn't want it to be me. That's what I'm scared of. Joey: That's how you feel? Pacey: [Laughs] Joey: oh. Well, um... Well, if that's how you feel, then... Then why did you stay? Why stick around for 9 months if that's what you believe, Pacey? Pacey: I'm just a glutton for punishment, I guess. [He grabs his coat and leaves the room.] [Scene: Jack and Jen's Room. Jack and Jen are sitting in front of each other, in front of the fire, both really drunk.] Jen: Whoo! Yes. Jack: Ha. I'm a lousy drunk. Jen: Oh, baby, you're a great drunk. Jack: No. The great drunk becomes... Hysterically entertaining once inebriated. I become solemn and introspective. Jen: Hey, don't knock solid and introspective. Those can be 2 very sexy qualities. Jack: Sexy...Is the ability to have a little bit of fun... You know, lighten up. It's like you're always telling me Jack, you--you can't close yourself off to See, you-- you're a sexy drunk. possibilities. Jen: Ha ha ha! Jack: You are. You get brave and crazy. Jen: No, you're much braver than I am. Jack: No, I'm not. Jen: Yeah. Jack: I'm--I'm-- scared. Jen: What are you scared of? Jack: I'm, um... I'm scared that I'm gonna end up alone. I'm scared that I'm always gonna be somebody's friend or brother or confidante but never quite... Somebody's everything. Mostly I'm, uh... I'm scared that I'm never gonna find a guy... That I love as much as I love you. [Jack leans in and give Jen a kiss, then another and another.] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Cut between Joey in her room, and Dawson in his bedroom talking on the phone to each other.] Joey: I'm really sorry, Dawson. Dawson: Yeah, me, too. You know what? I feel like I'm doing the right thing. That's the strangest part. Joey: What do you mean? Dawson: I mean...At some point it...Ha... The whole thing just becomes too much for your brain to process, you know, and all you have to rely on is your heart and natural human instincts. And it's liberating. I mean, it's terrifying at first, but... I guess that's the point, isn't it? Joey: What's that? Dawson: If we weren't so afraid to let go, we wouldn't feel so free when we finally did. Joey: You make it sound so simple. Dawson: Ha. It's anything but that. But I think that's what brooks is waiting for. You know, even in his state, I think he was... He was waiting for his friend. Joey: To say good-bye? Dawson: Something like that. Joey: That can be really hard. Dawson: Yeah. [Long Pause] Dawson: Good-bye, Joey. Joey: Good night, Dawson. [Dawson hands up the phone and they both think about what they have just said.] [Scene: Outside by the hot tub. Pacey is walking by it, when Anna and a couple of her friends get out.] Anna: Hey, you! We were just getting out! Didn't think you'd make it. Pacey: I'm not making it, actually. I was just taking a walk. Anna: Hey, you look down. You know, since you were there for me in the not-so-distant past, it's only fair I reciprocate, right? [ Turns to her friends.] I'll catch up with you guys later. [Scene: Jen and Jack's Room. Jen and Jack are making out in front of the fireplace. Jack has his sweater off, and Jen's shirt is unbuttoned.] Jen: God, what are we doing? Jack: I don't know. Jen: We can't. We can't do this. Jack: Says who? Jen: Me. Um... I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Jack. You're drunk. You're drunk and lonely and... And gay. And as good as this seems right now, and, I mean, it does seem really, really good, it...Won't when the feelings pass. Jack: How do you know that the feelings will Jen: jack. Jack: My head is spinning. Jen: Tell you what... I'm gonna go get some ice and fix us a couple of tall glasses of water. Jack: Ahh, that sounds good. [Jen gets up and grabs the ice bucket.] Jack: Jen? Jen: Yeah. Jack: I'm sorry. [Scene: Mr. Brooks' Hospital room. The camera is focused on his heart monitor and it slows and then stops and the alarms go off. The doctor slowly goes over to it and turns it off, and Dawson just looks down at Mr. Brook's lifeless body. Gretchen, Mitch and Gale are there with him. The doctor leaves and then the others leave Dawson to be alone with Mr. Brooks.] Dawson: See you, Mr. Brooks. [Scene: Outside the Ski Resort. It is now night, and Jen comes out to empty the Ice bucket and spills some of the empty liquor bottles on the ground and Mr. Kasdan sees them ,and she quickly picks them up and puts them in the trash.] Kasdan: What...The...Hell? Jen: Ha... Um... Recycling. [She goes back to her room.] Night. [Mr. Kasdan just looks on shocked.] [Scene: In the common room at the Ski Resort. Anna and Pacey are sitting in front of the fire talking to each other.] Anna: Look, I know you're not ready to break up with her yet. That's ok. I get it. That doesn't bother me. But I think it would be a shame to waste this opportunity. Pacey: No, Anna, you obviously don't get it at all. This is not going to happen. Anna: I don't understand. It's just sx. It's not that big of a deal. We're all adults, so Pacey: [laughs] no, we're not adults. We're not even close to being adults, and it is that big a deal. I have someone that I want to be with for more than just one night. So...The thought of losing her or hurting her... It's not even a consideration. For me it's not about wanting to have sx. It's about wanting to share the most intimate thing that you can possibly share with someone... No matter how long you have to wait. So I'm really sorry if I gave you the wrong idea. [He gets up and turns to leave to see Joey standing behind them.] Joey: Hey. Pacey: Hey. How long have you been Joey: long enough to remember why it is that I love you. Why every part of me loves you. [She kisses him] Hey, Pace. Pacey: Yeah? Joey: You can still be upset. You can still be angry. You earned it. Pacey: I'm not angry with you. Joey: You are. It's ok. You have a right to be. You don't have to be perfect all the time. And me...I, uh... I don't have to be so afraid. [She kisses him again] Pacey: What do you say you and I go in there, lock the door, cuddle up together, and then I read you a story? Joey: Mmm... We didn't bring our book. Pacey: That's all right. I'll make one up. Joey: I like that idea. [Scene: Dawson's living room. Dawson is setting up the screen for his projector while Gretchen is helping him. Grams is sitting in a chair, while Mitch is sitting on the couch. Gale comes into the room carrying a large bowl of popcorn.] Gretchen: A little to the right. Gale: Popcorn. Grams: And what, may I ask, gave you the idea to do this? Dawson: Um...Actually, you did. You had mentioned to me that you'd never seen one of his films-- pictures. Grams: That would indeed be the case. Dawson: Well, not for long. Lights. [Gretchen turns off the lights] Dawson: I think... This is how he would have liked to be remembered. Grams: I think you're right. Let's have some popcorn. [The all sit down to watch the show. Gretchen sits down in front of Dawson and he leans over and wraps his arms around her and rests his chin on the top of her head. Mitch and Gale just look at him and admire the man he has become.] [Scene: Joey and Pacey's room. Joey is brushing her hair for bed in front of the mirror, when Pacey comes out of the bathroom.] Joey: Hey. Pacey: Hi. May I? Joey: Sure. [He takes the brush from her and begins brushing her hair.] Joey: Hey, Pace... Pacey: Mm-hmm? Joey: Do you--do you still have your wallet? Pacey: I thought we were done talking about that. Joey: We are. Pacey: Ok. [Pacey takes out his wallet and opens it up, and takes out the condom and hands it to her.] Pacey: [Laughs] you gonna throw it away? Joey: I wanna throw the wrapper away. Pacey: [Laughs] if this is about what I was Joey: Pacey... This is about how you carried my bag off the bus yesterday. This is about how... When we go to the movies and you go and you buy a popcorn you always make sure you bring back a napkin so I don't wipe all the grease on my jeans. And this is about how just last week when we were at miniature golf you took all of the shots first so I would know the correct path. Pacey: Well, that's just Joey: you taught me how to drive. And last year at prom... You knew that the bracelet I was wearing was my mom's. You kissed me first, sweetheart. The second time... [She removes his shirt] You counted to 10 before doing it again just in case I wanted to stop you. You bought me a wall. Pacey: [Ahem] I didn't buy it so much as I Joey: we were alone on a boat for 3 months and you understood without a word why I wasn't ready. Do you have to ask me now why I am? Pace. I'm gonna count to 10... And then I'm going to start kissing you. If you don't want me to... [She removes his under shirt] Then you're just gonna have to stop me. He leans in to kiss him] 10, my love. [They begin kissing and making out and slowly make their way over to the bed, and fade out.]	Plan: A: the ski trip; Q: What is Dawson on while the rest of the class is on? A: Dawson; Q: Who stays behind to care for Brooks? A: a near-death Brooks; Q: What is Dawson caring for? A: a life or death decision; Q: What is Dawson asked to make? A: the senior trip; Q: What trip doesn't go as planned? A: The evening; Q: What takes an unexpected romantic turn for best friends Jack and Jen? A: Joey; Q: Who does Pacey finally take their relationship to the next level with? A: the cold night; Q: What do Pacey and Joey find ways to keep warm on? Summary: While the rest of the class is on the ski trip, Dawson stays behind to care for a near-death Brooks, but he is overwhelmed when he is asked to make a life or death decision. Meanwhile, there's a lot more than skiing going on when the senior trip doesn't go exactly as planned. The evening takes an unexpectedly romantic turn for best friends Jack and Jen, while Pacey and Joey find their own ways to keep warm on the cold night, finally taking their relationship to the next level.
[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Deb : Do you know what's missing? Brooke : Sketches for my new line. Sam : The attack -- it was my fault. Brooke : Has Sam been in here tonight? She left, and I let her go, and I shouldn't have. John : Sam, this is my brother, "X." X : Have a nice night. Mouth : It doesn't mean anything. Millicent : It means everything. Owen : I haven't had a drink in over eight years. Tonight, that's gonna change. Millicent : I haven't had sx in over 22 years. And tonight that's gonna change. Nathan : I'm trying out as a point guard. What's next is the phone's gonna ring, and the answer is either gonna be a yes or a no. Haley : It's going to be a yes. Julian : You need to convince Lucas to do the movie. Peyton : And you'll make it the movie he wants it to be. Lucas : I'll stay on the movie, 'cause it matters to me. Doctor : Any history of diabetes in the family? Cancer? Peyton : My birth mother died of cancer. Why? Doctor : I just want to run some tests. AT PEYTON'S STUDIO Peyton : Hi. I have to tell you something. Lucas : Peyton, are you okay? Peyton : I know it's late. Lucas : It's okay if it's late. What's up? Peyton : I'm not sure that I can call you my fiancé anymore. 'Cause I was thinking maybe I'd start calling you my baby daddy. Lucas : Are we ... Peyton : I'm having your baby, Lucas Scott. Our baby. We're pregnant. And, oh, god, I know it's sudden. I just really want you to be okay with it, because I'm very, very okay with it. And ... oh, and it's early. I mean, it's too early. It's too early to even tell anybody. Lucas : I love you. I love you, Peyton. Peyton : I love you, too. SCOTT'S HOUSE Haley : I hate it when Deb calls to tell us that she's sleeping over at skills' because her sleeping is not sleeping, and it's the last thing want to hear about before I go to sleep. Nathan : That was the Charleston chiefs. You're looking at their newest point guard. Haley : Oh, my god! Oh, my god! And you say I'm badass. SKILLS'S HOUSE Mouth : Millie left me because of Gigi. Skills : I'm sorry, man. Mouth : Just say you told me so. Skills : You know you're my boy, right? But I told you Gigi was trouble, man ... always wanting you to work late. And what comes after working late? Freaky deaky. Mouth : We didn't freaky or deaky, but she wanted to. And then Millie found a picture of Gigi on my cell phone. Skills : You didn't erase it? Mouth : No. It's erased now. I don't know. Maybe Millie was right. Maybe I enjoyed all the attention from Gigi, so maybe I deserve to lose her. Skills : She'll come back. Mouth : You didn't see her. I'm not sure she can come back from a broken heart. IN THE STREET Brooke : Excuse me. Excuse me. I need some help. My daughter -- well, she's not my daughter. She's my foster daughter ... sort of. She's ... she's gone missing or run away or something. Policeman: Okay, madam, slow down. Brooke : Okay. Not a madam. And I'm -- I'm sorry. It's just I've been up all night looking for Sam. Her name is Sam and she's usually back by now. Policeman: Okay, so, Sam, and she's done this before? Brooke : Yes, but just to annoy me. It's ... and she comes back? Brooke : Yes, but this is different because ... Policeman: Okay, madam, so far, all you have is a kid who's not really yours and who always comes back. There's nothing much we can do about that. Brooke : So, that's it? Policeman: I'm sorry. Look, come down to the station tomorrow if she hasn't returned, okay? Brooke : To protect and serve, my ass. SCOTT'S HOUSE Haley : Rise and shine, porcupine. Jamie : Can a guy get five more minutes? Nathan : Okay, but today's a big day at the Scott house. Jamie : How big are we talking? Haley : Bigger than if Christmas, your birthday, and pizza Friday all happened on "bring Chester to school" day. Jamie : You made the B-league team? Nathan : That's right, I made it. I'm a Charleston chief. I start practice today. Jamie : You did it! Nathan : We did it. Haley : Yay! X'S HOUSE X : Morning, Sam. Sam : Hey. Um ... thanks for letting me crash. X : Jack's friends are my friends. And friends ... do things for friends. Sam : So, where's jack? X : Out. You know, Sam, I really wish you hadn't gone through my stuff. The sketches? I know you took them. And now you've really pissed me off. AT THE HOTEL ROOM (on the phone) Lucas : What now, Julian? Julian : Well, the director's threatening to walk, and you've been summoned to Oz. The head of the studio wants to talk with you in an hour. What the hell happened? Lucas : *Screw you. I have a flight in two hours, and I'm not gonna do your damned job. You're the producer. Why don't you meet with the studio? Julian : Well, he wants to meet with you. And because you wrote a script for his studio, you're his bitch. Lucas : And as always, you're a dick. Julian : Look, Lucas, I worked really hard to get this movie green-lit, and you screwed it up. So, get over there, avoid the 405, and save this movie. X'S HOUSE X : So, tell me what you told Brooke Davis about those sketches. I didn't tell her anything, 'cause I don't know anything. Look, I gave Brooke the sketches. That's all. I didn't rat you out. I didn't even know you took them. It was all my fault anyway. I was the one shooting off my mouth. X : Oh, so, you're feeling guilty now. Brooke was good to me. X : Right. Because she took you in? Put you up in that big house? Saved you from what? From being like us? I used to like you, Sam. I thought jack had caught himself a nice piece. But I don't like people who forget where they belong. Jack : Dude, lay off. X : Somebody grew a pair of balls last night. Brooke tried to run away, too. I think you two need to take some time to think about what a couple of idiots you are. AT TRIC / PEYTON'S STUDIO Peyton : I thought you were sober. Owen : Not anymore. Peyton : What are you doing here so early? Mia : Apologizing for yesterday. I was having a rage-against-the-man, tortured-artist moment. Peyton : Oh, god. Kill me. I'm the man now? Mia : No. You're the one who took a chance on me and guided my career, and if you think I should record the songs from the label, I will. Peyton : Mia, I never want you to think I don't believe in your music. I mean, you're my first artist. It's like being my first kid. And so, no matter what, I love you. And I'm gonna support you. But you got to tell me what's really going on. Mia : It's not like I'm not writing. It's like I can't. The first record ... Peyton : Well, honey, your first record --that was a lifetime of work. But you can do this. You have so many songs in you. I could see that year ago. And I still see it now. So, here's the plan ... I'm going to buy some time with our label partners, and you are going to go write some kick-ass songs, okay? That is, if you ever want to get on that ranky tour bus again. Mia : I will. I promise. Peyton : Your mama totally rocked that. Brooke : Peyton. Peyton : Hey, Brooke, what are you -- Brooke : Sam's gone. AT THE STADIUM Bobby : Save it for practice, Scott. Nathan : Bobby. What are you doing here? I thought Dave she a was the G.M. Bobby : He is. I'm your new coach. Nathan : What? Bobby : Yeah, the truth is, my heart was never really into being a G.M. I guess I just needed someone to remind me never to give up on a dream, you know? Nathan : Yeah, I had a friend who did the same for me. So, is this, uh ... is this your comeback? Bobby : Well, not yet. I don't even know that I'm a good enough coach to turn you into a point guard. But we'll give it a shot. Welcome back. Nathan : You, too. Bobby : Oh, man, this is awesome. IN THE GARDEN Jamie : My dad's a Charleston chief. He's at camp now, he's gonna play point guard. Sorry. I bet basketball makes you think about "Q" huh? Andre : Yeah. I miss him. I wish I could go to his grave and talk to him. But mom won't go. It makes her too sad. Jamie : Sometimes I go with my mama. Maybe you can go with us next time. Andre : I wish I could go today. Jamie : Maybe I can show you the way. Andre : Okay AT CLOTHES OVER BROS Skills : Millie, can we talk? Millicent : Actually, I'm kind of busy right now pencil sharpening. Brooke's sort of a slave driver when it comes to pencil points. Skills : Talk to mouth. Look, everything can be taken back. Millicent : Can it? Skills : Yes. And by the way you're both hurting, it's obvious that you still love each other. Besides ... it's not fair to take it out on some poor, defenseless pencil. Just talk to mouth. PAUL'S OFFICE Paul : Lucas Scott. Paul Norris. Great script. Lucas : Thank you. Paul : To make it to the screen, we'll need the right team behind it. That's why I asked you here. Lucas : I know. and about the director ... Paul : I want to talk about the producer. Lucas : Julian? Paul : Julian. What do you think of him? Lucas : Look, Mr. Norris, I ... Paul : Paul. Lucas : Paul, I'm new in this business and can't really judge Julian. Lucas : Look, Mr. Norris, I ... Paul : From what I hear, I think you're actually the best one to judge Julian. Look, what happened yesterday makes me think that Julian doesn't know what he's doing. Now I got an a-list director who's threatening to walk. Lucas : I'm sorry about that. Lucas : Look, Mr. Norris, I ... Paul : It's not your fault. Julian's the producer. He should have been there. I'm a straight shooter. I know Julian well. He's an unpredictable loose cannon whose arrogance gets in the way of doing his job. Lucas : We're talking straight here, right? So, why do you keep working with him? Lucas : Look, Mr. Norris, I ... Paul : 'Cause he's my son. AT THE STADIUM Devon : If you're looking for numb 23,it's already taken ... by me ... Devon fox. Nathan : I'm Nathan ... Devon : I know. Scott. All-American at Maryland got thrown through a window, cost you about $20 million guaranteed cash. Thew away your shot at the NBA. Not very bright, are you? Thought you were a two guard. Nathan : I used to be. Switching to the point. Devon : Bad move. Nathan : See, I'm the point guard, and this is my team. This is my shot at the NBA, and I can guarantee I ain't throwing it away like you did. Sure hope your son grows up smarter than you, 15. PAUL'S OFFICE Paul : I take it my son didn't tell you about our connection. Lucas : Well, uh ... Julian's not exactly up front when it comes to me. Paul : He decided to use his mother's last name a few years ago. Said he wanted to blaze his own trail, be his own man. So, he moved into a little studio apartment in north Hollywood, got a P.A. Job, fell in love. How is Peyton? Lucas : We're good. Paul : Good for you. Scotch? Lucas : Ah, no, thanks. Paul : Peyton's a good girl. She got Julian to focus on something long enough to get his film to Sundance. Lucas : Yeah, I ... I heard it did well, had a lot of ... had good buzz. Paul : Buzz fades. Lucas : You're a tough audience. Paul : That's why I'm successful and my son is a lot of talk. He says he wants to make it on his own, but he still came to me when he needed money to make this movie. Lucas : Well, I got to say I'm glad you gave it to him. Paul : Julian never had a problem finding a good thing. It's his follow-through that's lacking. Besides, this movie's a good investment. It'll make money, especially in middle America. But I still keep asking myself the same question. Lucas : What's that? Paul : Same one you should be asking. Is Julian interested in making a good movie or finding a way to get Peyton back? PEYTON'S STUDIO Mia : Ever see a '7dove shattered into like a gatrilceon pies? Haley : Wow, Peyton said it wasn't pretty in here. Mia : Peyton's a big fan of the understatement. Haley : Peyton is also a big fan of yours, and so am I. So, I am here to help you. Mia : Blast from the past! Where did you find this? Haley : Clearly, not in your washing machine. Mia : I practically lived in this thing when we recorded the first time. Haley : I know. And then the tour came around, and you left it behind, so I thought I'd take care of it for you. Mia : Thanks. Haley : What do you say we try and find the girl who used to wear that hoodie? QUENTIN'S HOUSE Andre : You're making Quentin's favorite cookies again? Mom : Yeah, sweetie, I ... I guess I am. Um, why don't you go on outside and have fun with Jamie, okay? And just make sure you stay in the yard, all right? Jamie : What'd she say? Andre : She said we can go. And she even gave us cookies. Come on! IN BROOKE'S CAR Brooke : Sam's still not answering. Will you try her again, please? Peyton : Okay, sweetie, but your driving ... can you just slow it down a little, 'cause you're upset and I'm ... I'm carsick. Brooke : I'm sorry. I just ... I told Sam that she could always talk to me about anything. And the first anything that she talks to me about, and I just stood there. Well, you were in shock. Peyton : I mean, did she say anything about where she got the sketches? Brooke : No. I didn't even ask. I'm supposed to be her foster-mother-guardian person, and I just ... I let her go. I didn't tell her it was gonna be okay. I didn't tell her that I love her no matter what. Peyton : She knows. We're gonna find her so you can tell her a thousand times. Brooke : I hope so. Why isn't she answering her cell? X'S HOUSE Sam : Damn it. Your freak of a brother took my phone. Okay, we got to get out of here and call the police or something. Jack : We don't go to the police. He's my brother. Sam : Screw that, jack. Your brother is a sketchy, thieving perv, and you don't have to live like this. He doesn't have to beat you, and you don't have to be scared to come home at night or piss him off. You don't. Jack : It's open. Let's go. Sam : No! Get the hell off of me! Jack! Jack! X : Jack's not gonna get you help. Sam : Please. AT CLOTHES OVER BROS Peyton : Brooke, sweetie, you are gonna walk a hole in the floor. Brooke : I don't care. We need new floors anyway. Sam! Peyton : Julian, right now is not the time for whatever it is you're shoveling. Julian : Not fair. You know I like feisty. Peyton : You want feisty? Brooke : Peyton, it's okay. I know you were looking for Sam last night. The waitress at the diner ratted you out. Julian : Sam's a good kid. Brooke : She is. Thank you. Julian : So, how'd that all turn out? Brooke : She's still gone, and I have no idea where to start because I know nothing about her real life. I was so busy laying down the law ... no stealing from my wallet, no breaking into my store, no boys in your room. Peyton : You're a good mom. Brooke : No boys in her room except for the one in her bed. Julian : You're a cool mom. Brooke : Oh, my god, I'm a stupid mom. Jack Daniels. Not the drink. The boy that was in Sam's bed. I can't believe I didn't think about this earlier. I have ... I have to find him. Peyton : Okay, we'll just ask Haley. Julian : Wait, sort of floppy hair? Brooke : Yes. Julian : Yeah, she was with him at the diner. I'll keep an eye out. Brooke : Maybe he's not so bad. Peyton : You know what? You just got a glimpse of the guy I used to know. PAUL'S OFFICE Paul : The whole Julian-Peyton thing has got to be on your mind. Lucas : No, I'm not worried about it. Paul : You should be. Lucas : You don't like your son too much, do you? Paul : Sometimes ... You have a vision of who you want your child to be, and no matter what you do, they fall short. So, about the director ... I heard things went a bit off course. You should know, Julian has some very definite opinions about the director, and like everything else, he and I want different things. What do you want? Lucas : I want a director that understands the characters, you know? I mean, someone who sees and appreciates the small moments, because that's what this movie's really about. Paul : And this guy's not that director. Lucas : No. I'm sorry, sir, but he's not that director. Paul : Funny. That's what my son said. AT THE CIMETERY Andre : That's what my mama said, but I still believe in ghosts. Jamie : Me, too. Especially at night. You scared of them? Andre : Nah. 'Cause I think Quentin is a good ghost. Jamie : Betcha he plays ghost basketball. Andre : For sure. Jamie : I think some ghosts are like angels. Andre : Yeah. I wonder why ghosts don't need wings to fly and angels do. Jamie : We should Google that. Andre : Yeah ... Are you sure we're going the right way? Jamie : Yeah, 'cause we're following that ghost ... Gotcha, scaredy. AT THE STADIUM Bobby : Hey, gentlemen, get set up! Devon : Come on, 15. What, you scared? Thinking about how you're not going to the NBA? Again? Is that all you got? Let's go! Come on! Go, go, go. Bobby : Come on, guys. Fight through. Fight through. Let's go! Back on "D." Nathan : Ball! Ball! Ball! Guys : Come on! I got ball! I got ball! Devon : Yeah. Gotcha, babe! Oh, yes! Bobby : Scott, take a seat. Shupert, you're in. Devon : Get comfortable, 15 get real comfortable. Let's go! Come on! PEYTON'S STUDIO Mia : It sucks, right? Haley : No, it doesn't suck. Mia : You might want to tell your face that. Haley : Okay, let's start from the beginning. What's the song about? Mia : Well, it's about me ... writing a song so I don't have to record the label's crap. Haley : Okay, so, how did you write your first album? Because I'm pretty sure it wasn't about you writing a hit. Mia : No. It was about making myself feel better and embarrassing my tool of a boyfriend. Haley : Okay, so, that's what you need. Mia : A horrible ass face of a boyfriend? Haley : No, you need the inspiration and the fight that you got from that ... you know, the challenge from living your own life instead of sitting on a tour bus or in a music studio, willing yourself to write a hit song. You got to get up and get out there. Mia : What? Haley : Go outside. Go take a walk. Talk to a stranger. Find whatever it was that made you stop what you were doing and write a verse down on a napkin. And then come back here and see what happens. Mia : Seriously? Haley : Trust me, it works. Bye! Peyton : Where are you going? Mia : I guess to get a life. Haley : Oh. What's wrong? Brooke : It's Sam. MOUTH'S HOUSE Mouth : I am so sorry. Millicent : Me too. Mouth : You have nothing to feel sorry about. I should have been more considerate about your feelings about Gigi. And if you'll give me another chance, I'll do whatever it takes to have you back in my life, because you're the best part of me, Millicent. You're the best part of us. Millicent : I had sx last night. Say something. Please. I'm sorry. I was drunk, and it was a mistake and I wish I could take it back, because it was supposed to be you ... us, but ... PEYTON'S STUDIO Haley :This is the last address I have for Jack. Brooke : Okay, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Haley : I hope she's there. Brooke : She's a teenage girl. Trust me, she's there. Peyton : Okay, Brooke, we should get going. Brooke : I think that I need to go by myself. I don't want to show up there like some parent patrol, and Sam and I need to talk alone. Peyton : Are you sure? Brooke : Yeah, I'm sure. I ... I'll call you, though. I'll call both of you. Thank you. Heley : Okay. Brooke : Bye. Peyton : Bye. God, I hope she is there. Haley : Yeah, me, too. It was terrifying not knowing where Jamie was. Sometimes, I just want to lock him up and home school him. Peyton : That's my plan. I mean, in, like, the future when I need a plan. Haley : Oh, my god! You're pregnant! Peyton : I don't what you're talking about! Haley : You are pregnant! I have dibs on godmother! X'S HOUSE X : Make one sound and you'll be an orphan. Again. Brooke : So, like I said, I'm looking for my foster daughter, Sam, and I think that she's friends with your brother. X : Sorry I don't much pay attention to jack's friends. Brooke : Well, is he here? Maybe I could talk to him. X : Nope. We're alone. Brooke : Do you know where he is or where he hangs out? Maybe they're together. X : Do you think they're having sx? Brooke : Mmm, no. X : What's wrong with sx? Look, I don't know where the kid is. He comes and goes, okay? I'm just trying to pay the bills around here. So, the truth is, it's better when he's gone. One less mouth eating up my food. Speaking of mouths, yours is nice. AT THE STADIUM Bobby : That's good work on the court today. Nathan : Not good enough. Bobby : Well, hang in here. You're just coming back. Nathan : The game's gonna have you on the ropes for a bit. Yeah, that and my teammates. Bobby : Look, Nate, you scare a lot of these guys. This league is their NBA, and they know it's not yours. Nathan : Oh, hey, coach. You mind if I wear the number 12? It's for someone special. Nathan : I'm taking your spot, because I'm better than you. But here's the good news ... when I get called up to the NBA, you can have your job back. I'll see you tomorrow. IN THE PARK Andre : My mama cries a lot. She doesn't think I know, but I can hear her sometimes in her room. Jamie : My dad used to cry, too, when he was hurt. Andre : What did you do? Jamie : I tried to be his friend. My mama told me that sometimes people have to cry out all the tears to make room for a heart full of smiles. Andre : Hope my mama is almost ready for a smile. Mom : Andre? Jamie? Boys? Honey? AT TRIC Chase : You're an idiot, you know that? PAUL'S OFFICE Paul : I appreciate the time today, Lucas. You're very impressive. Lucas : Thank you. Paul : Which is why I think we need the right producer. I'll be in touch. Lucas : You firing Julian? Paul : You can't have a problem with that. Lucas : Look, you like the script, right? 'Cause Julian was a big part of making it great. Paul : I doubt it. I know my son. I know what he can and can't do. Lucas : With all due respect, sir, I just found out I'm gonna be a father. And if one day my son comes to me and asks me to believe in him or take a risk or bet on him, I can't believe that I wouldn't do that. Paul : So, you believe in Julian? Lucas : I believe he wants to make a great movie, yeah. Paul : Okay, he stays. AT TRIC Owen : What are you doing here, man? Chase : Peyton called me. What the hell happened? Owen : I got injured ... During the Slamball finals. They started me on this pain medication. I don't know. I thought I was doing okay at first. But I guess it's true ... once an addict, always an addict. Things with Brooke ... Chase : You know, you need help with this. I mean, you're an alcoholic who's working at a bar. Owen : I know, but it's not like I can just walk out. Chase : Then I'll take over for you. I'm the worst carpet salesman out there anyways. Owen : You'd do that for me? Chase : No. I'd do that for the other version of you. Owen : Okay. Thanks. AT THE COFFEE BAR Jack : Hey. Julian : Hey, is Sam with you? Jack : Kind of. I need your help. X'S HOUSE Brooke : So, if you see Sam, just please tell her to call or come home. X : It probably makes you feel good, taking in some poor kid, huh? Like you're doing something special. Slumming with us poor folk. Brooke : You don't know anything about me. X : Have a nice night. Have a nice night. Brooke : Where is she? I know she's in here! X : Get off! Brooke : Sam! Sam! Sam! Sam! Sam! Sam! Oh, my god! Okay, okay, okay. Okay, it's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. Sam : He's the one who attacked you. You have to get out. Brooke : I know. I'm not leaving you here. Sam : You have to get out of here. Brooke : I am not leaving you here! Sam : Brooke! No! Brooke : Sam. Sam : Leave her alone! X : You need to teach that little slut some manners! Sam : Get off of her! Get off of her! Stop it! Leave her alone! X : Should have finished the job when I had the chance! Sam : Brooke! X : I love watching you crawl, Miss Davis. Oh, what's wrong? Does the weak, little rich girl want to leave? Brooke : The weak, little rich girl thinks she'll stay a while. You filthy, thieving, heartless piece of trash. X : You ain't gonna shoot me. Brooke : Like I said, you don't know me. I'm not the same girl from the store that night. She's gone! You took my life, and you turned it into a nightmare. And all I have thought about is that I hate you. Sam : Brooke? Brooke : I hate you. Sam : Brooke, please, don't. Please. I need you, mom. Brooke : I hate you so much. But you're not worth any more of my time. And you're not worth my life. You have a nice night. It's okay. Sam : I'm so sorry. Brooke : It's okay. It's okay. You're safe. You're okay. It's okay. AT THE CIMETERY Andre : Hi, big brother. Brought you your favorite cookies. I was wondering if you could help me. Mom : Andre fields! Oh! I told you not to leave the yard! Why did you leave the yard! Don't you know you are all I have left? Oh, god. Come here. Come here. Come here. Okay, come here. Andre : I'm sorry, mama. I just want to talk to Quentin. Mom : What? Andre : I just want to ask him to let you know that he's all right so you're not sad anymore. Mom : Oh, baby. Come here. Come here. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I love you. PEYTON'S STUDIO Chase : Hey. Uh, is Peyton around? Mia : No. Sorry. Chase : Hey, you wouldn't by chance know how to make a long island iced tea, would you? MOUTH'S HOUSE Millicent : I'm sorry. Mouth : So am I. AT TRIC Chase : So, you're, like, way better at this than I am. Do you want a job tending bar? Mia : I can't. I'm only 18. Have fun. If it helps, I have no idea what I'm doing in there, either. X'S HOUSE Julian : Come on, let me get you guys home. Policeman : Hey, look what I found. Quentin fields' wallet. Brooke : Oh, my god. He killed Quentin. Oh! HOTEL / SCOTT'S HOUSE Nathan : Hey. Jamie : Hey, daddy. How is it? What's it like? When can we see you play? Nathan : Slow down, buddy. First, tell me how your day was. Haley : Yeah, Jamie, how was your day? Jamie : No, you first, daddy. Is it a dream come true? Nathan : Yes, it is, son. LUCAS'S HOUSE Peyton : Hi. You're home. How did it go? Lucas : Long story. Yeah? How are you? Peyton : We're good. Lucas : Yes, we are. Peyton : Hey, baby. Daddy's home.	Plan: A: Peyton; Q: Who shares some startling news with Lucas? A: runaway Sam; Q: Who is Brooke searching for? A: her attack; Q: What does Brooke recall the night of? A: Millicent; Q: Who confesses to Mouth that she has slept with someone? A: Julian; Q: Who has been keeping a secret from Lucas? A: Chase; Q: Who returns to find Owen has reverted to his old ways? A: guest star Stephen Colletti; Q: Who played Owen in this episode? A: Mica Roberts; Q: Who wrote the song that inspired the episode? Summary: Peyton shares some startling news with Lucas. Brooke frantically searches for runaway Sam, and in doing so, she encounters some obstacles which confronts Brooke to recall the night of her attack. In the meantime, Millicent confesses to Mouth that she has slept with someone and Lucas discovers that Julian has been keeping another secret from him when trouble arise at the company. Chase returns to find Owen has reverted to his old ways (guest star Stephen Colletti). This episode is named after a song by Mica Roberts .
Look, you're right. I don't have a plan. Let's just drop this. Okay? ALICIA: He told me to drop it. Anything said in voicemail doesn't count. No. You know what? I'm not just dropping this. You want to know my plan? My plan is I love you. WILL: Okay? If none of this makes sense to you, just ignore it. I need something on a Dr. Randall Booth. We need to knee-cap him. Anything you want, Mr. Gardner. (phone ringing) MAN (on recording): Hello. MAN 2 (on recording): Hey, Alderman. It's me. I'm... hey, what is that? You having a party? MAN 1: Yeah. My, uh, daughter's preschool graduation. Is this, um... this is about the cash? MAN 2: Yeah, yeah. The $50,000. So, what? Do they have preschool graduations these days? WADE: Preschool, grade school, Sunday school; we celebrate every second of a kid's life these days. CROMBIE: Yeah, Lindsey wants to have a kid, but I don't know. TAP TECH (on recording): 2518 minimization. A "2518 minimization" is a 30-second break in the recording. required by law for when a phone conversation turns personal. You're probably wondering why we're asking you to indict only one of these men today. The simple reason is: this man is dead. Royce Crombie was a bundler. A man who solicited money for politicians. When Mr. Crombie found out that this grand jury had been impaneled, he took his own life. So we are asking you to focus on this man today. Matthew Wade. Now, I know many of you may recognize him. Detroit Pistons, 2000? But I still need you to judge him purely as a politician. A corrupt politician. WADE: Dang, man. I thought you were supposed to distract me. This is distracting you. What, distracting me with fouls? You got to protect those knees, old man. For Marion. (wolf whistle) Looking good. Who's that? Tammy. Now, now. Aw! So, you really were done, huh? Moved on from your schoolyard crush. How'd you meet her? She's an old friend. I told her to come down here to watch me whip the ass of the great Matthew Wade. (cell phone ringing) WADE: Here we go. How'd we do? Nothing yet. We're hearing they may come back tomorrow. Tomorrow? You're kidding. ALICIA: No. Kalinda thinks she can find out more when the clerk comes out. Okay. Keep me in the loop. How is he? He's better than I'd be. You're a good friend, hanging with him. No, in Chicago you need your friends three times: At your wedding, your wake, and your first indictment. Blake's here. Just arrived. Good. Have him help Kalinda. Yeah... actually, I don't know how much those two help each other. Look, as long as they don't kill each other, the competition's good for the firm. Dr. Booth is, uh, still in the hospital. Sorry. That's the witness that you put in a coma. Oh! Yeah. Yeah, what... when did I do that, again? When you broke into his office to find evidence for our anti-depressant case and the good doctor surprised you? Right. Right. That must've slipped my mind. 'Cause I... I thought I broke into his office, I found the evidence, I accidentally left the door open, and then some unknown assailant beat him up. Sure. When the police question you... stick to that. See you. Clerk just left the room. Kalinda's on him. Good. We'll sit tight. Nice guy. Mm-hmm. I saw him at UCLA in '97. Played like a demon. Sorry, hon. Looks like I won't know for another day. So did he do it? Do what? Whatever they're charging him with. He's a black Muslim alderman in the city's poorest ward. And he was wiretapped saying I don't know what. My guess is it doesn't matter if he did it. Music's off and he's the one without a chair. You're not interested in any of this, are you? I'm sorry, were you talking? I have a surprise for you tomorrow at work. Sounds dirty. What is it? Let me explain this whole idea of "a surprise." If you fall in love with me, I'm out of here. I know. I'm just warning you. I know. WADE: Will! Call waiting. The problem isn't corruption; the problem is terrorism. What? They say he took extremist money. 30 years to life. I need you to take this. I heard. It's just federal overreach. I know, but they may have stumbled onto something they can win... anti-Muslim bias. Wiretaps are hard. Juries love them. I know. That's why I need you to take this. Get it kicked in pretrial motions. He will lose in front of a jury. And if I advise him to cop a plea? It's your call. DIANE: Okay, very simply: the government was embarrassed by the Blagojevich fiasco, and they're gunning for any Chicago politician they can find. Will has nothing to do with this. He has asked me to lead because his friendship with Wade is a hindrance. So here's our plan. Get the terrorism charge booted. We do that, we get a 30-year sentence down to six months and change. Two fronts: the money. I'm going through Royce Crombie's finances. He bundled for a lot of candidates. I'm trying to trace the cash. Good. Take Blake. And the second front, the wiretaps. Already worked out discovery with the Feds. The usual rules. We go to them, work in their house. How many hours of tapes? [SCENE_BREAK] (whistles) How many people do you need? Michael, Howard, Alan, Alicia. Should take a week. Good. There's something in those tapes the government believes makes their terrorism case. Is it an inaudible utterance? Is it guesswork? Find it. Neutralize it. When do you go? As soon as this meeting is over. Good. It's over. JULIUS: No pens, no papers, no cells. The tapes won't be marked, the calls won't be labeled. They make our jobs hard because we are out to destroy them. You brought jackets. Good. The Feds keep the room temperatures freezing. It's petty harassment, but don't complain. Don't bitch. Just work harder. Don't say anything to anyone but me. (scanner beeping) Don't forget. You find anything, knock on my door. (beeping) (sighs) TAP TECH (on recording): 2/22/10, 11:38 a.m. (beep, phone rings) WADE: Hello? MAN (muffled): Wade, it's me. You phoned? WADE: Uh, yeah. Where you at? (gasps): Oh! MAN: The office. What's up? WADE: You sound busy. I thought we could talk. MAN: So, what? Are we in need of advice or consultation? WADE: A bit of both. When does the meter start running, Eli? (gasps) (disc scanning back) WADE: When does the meter start running, Eli? ELI (chuckles): For a friend, when we both agree. I got a meeting with Florrick in ten, so what do you need? BECCA: That's just pitiful. 57 friends. The only thing worse than having a fake profile is having nobody visit it. We just need to update it. He needs to comment more on his dad's race. No. He needs to comment more on his opponent's race. What? We have Glenn Childs, Jr. say something... racist about his dad's African-American opponent. It wouldn't be us saying it. It'd be him. Yeah, but it'll be us having him say it. And besides, it'll just make Wendy look sympathetic. So, what then? We need something viral. ZACH: Oh, my God. Dad. Dad, look! It's a double rainbow! Dad, get out of your sleeping bag. Tell me, Dad. What does it mean? It means the city is safe. (crowd cheering) (laughing) WILL: So, why do you need the blinds closed, again? TAMMY: For your surprise. It's not my birthday. You see the puppy? I do. The puppy's smiling. I can see. No... (chuckles) Where? 50-yard line. How? Magic. I got to admit, this is really turning me on. I knew it would. How much time do we have? 20 minutes. (clattering) (muffled conversation) DIANE: We're not alone. Sorry. I... That's okay. Something on the wiretaps. What is it? Someone who's on them. Eli Gold. Well, I guess that would make sense. Wade would be phoning a political operative like Eli. Well, that's what I thought at first, too. But the wiretaps are on Eli's phone. You think the Feds are going after him? Six degrees of wiretap. The Feds go from Crombie to Wade, Wade to Eli, then Eli to... Uh, thank you, Alicia. Eli is a top client, but I think you can't say anything to him. I know it'll be difficult, but you're covered by the same confidentiality. Do you want off the wiretap detail? No. Unless you want me off. No. You're doing a good job. So anything on the terrorism charge? Well, we now know why the grand jury indicted. Wade comes right out and says it. "Is the $50,000 political payoff from Islamic extremists?" He actually says "Islamic extremists"? Wade says he was joking. Yes, but it doesn't sound good. All right, stay on it. Thank you, Alicia. Your client killed a man. And in Chicago, at least today, that's illegal. And I'm not gonna cut any corners with you, so get it to me by 5:00. You sound tough. Yeah, I'm in a bad mood. What do you need? The Crombie suicide... I need his movements the last week. Oh, yeah, the bundler? Shouldn't you be in federal court? I thought Cook County probably did its own investigation. Come with me. No, you can just send it over. Kalinda, come with me. Okay. Wow, you really are in a bad mood. What's up? (sighs) Dr. Randall Booth. Do you know who that is? I do. Thank you for not lying to me. Well, thank you for having so much faith in me. He was beaten within an inch of his life after surprising a burglar ransacking his office. Strangely enough, your firm won a case the next day that benefited from that assault. Are you making an accusation? No. I saw the assault report, and your fingerprints were found at the scene. What? Now, I told the investigators what I thought. I thought you probably went to the doctor's office earlier in the day to question him, and that's how your fingerprints ended up there. And the police... they wanted to question you. I told them this sort of assault was unlike you and suggested they look elsewhere. Thanks. But if I were you, Kalinda, I would try and figure out how my fingerprints ended up at the scene. What did the assailant use? To beat the doctor? Yeah. Never recovered, but the police think it was a baseball bat. (car alarm chirps) WADE (recording): I was elected by a five-point margin. ELI: In Ward 53. I could get a serial killer elected in Ward 53. (chuckles): Okay, I got to go. Um... I'll help if I can, but my hands are full with Florrick. (beep) TAP TECH: 4/13/10, 11:16 a.m. (beep) ELI: This is Gold. MARISSA: Yeah, Dad, it's me. ELI: Yeah, your mom said you'd phone. MARISSA: Did she tell you? She told me a strange story about you wanting to move to Israel and live on a kibbutz. MARISSA: It's not strange, Dad. I'm 18. I want to go. ELI: Yeah, of course, you want to go, but you're... TAP TECH: 2518 minimization... 11:17 a.m. 30-second break. Tap resumed. MAN: Hey, Alderman Wade. Hoping you could help us with that new detox center down on... WOMAN: This is Gwen Abernathy, from the Central City No Kill Shelter. I have a bit of a problem... MAN 2:... trying to schedule an appointment to come talk to the high school... ELI: No, no, don't tell Peter. MOODY: Why not? ELI: It's a detail; he hates details. I'll ask Alicia. MOODY: What's up with you, Eli? Everything you do, you shoot past the candidate's wife?! ELI: No, I don't. MOODY: Yeah, you do. ELI: Okay, I do. She's smart. She's not like... uh, what was that one in 2008? MOODY: Oh, my God, Jenny. Yeah. (chuckles) So does she know everything you're up to? ELI: Alicia? Uh, no. MOODY: You gonna tell her? ELI: I don't know, um... she's burdened with a... what do you call that thing? A conscience. MOODY: Oh, yeah, that. Yeah, that. (cell phone ringing) What's up, Martin? I'm kind of busy. What did we say? What the hell did we say?! Is this about the debates? No, Glenn Childs cannot stand on a soap box. You know what this is about. You're right, but remind me. We said hands off families. Florrick has two kids. My client has two kids. They were off-limits. They are off-limits. Then what am I looking at? Tell me. I need guidance. A fake Web profile. A "double rainbow" video of someone faking Glenn, Jr.'s voice. Sounds sweet. It has Childs and his son in the same sleeping bag together. Google "Double rainbow" and "Glenn Childs, Jr." (typing) Doesn't sound like us, Martin. Have you checked out Wendy? Oh, come on. Eli, that only works so many times. You know, we have stuff we can use, too. Stuff on Zach and Grace. That's right, I know their names. ZACH (over computer): Oh, my God, it's so beautiful! Don't do anything you'd regret, Martin. Or what? My only regret is thinking you'd stick to your word. You want to make this about families, this is now about families. ZACH: Oh, Dad, Dad, get out of your sleeping bag... I don't know, Eli. But it's not us. Let me comfort you, son. (kissing) CROMBIE (over recording): Hey, Alderman. Got a moment? WADE: Yeah. Why wouldn't I? It's only 5:00 a.m. CROMBIE: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I wake you? WADE: How much, Royce? CROMBIE: $30,000. WADE: So are we talking Islamic extremists here? (both laugh) So are we talking Islamic extremists here? (both laugh) ALICIA: It was a joke. They were laughing. I got the original. "4/23/10. 5:33 a.m." That's my call-waiting. Good. I'll see you in court. Hello. Hey, Alicia, we've got a bit of a problem. Mr. Gold... Eli, how are you? Good. Why? No reason. Okay. So I got a call from the Childs campaign about something on the Internet that we did not approve. Alicia? Eli, um, why don't we do this in person? In p... ? It'll only take a second. Um, you know what, we can do it after court. Um, we'll do it in person... [SCENE_BREAK] What's going on? We'll talk later. BAILIFF: All rise. The Honorable Judge Lessner presiding. And we have pretrial motions on People versus Alderman Matthew Wade, is that correct? Yes, Your Honor. Yes, Your Honor. Oh, hell. Ms. Lockhart, do you have a motion? (whispers): Diane, psst. Diane, Diane. Uh, one moment, Your Honor. Just keep saying "in my opinion" before everything. Keep what? I've argued in front of this judge before. Just do it. Ms. Lockhart? Um, yes, Your Honor, I, um... we believe the government has padded its charge against my client with a ridiculous terrorism count... in my opinion. And we ask for summary dismissal of this charge. The government has ample reason to charge Mr. Wade, Your Honor. In the submitted wiretaps, he had mentioned on several occasions receiving money from Muslim extremists. In your opinion? Excuse me, Your Honor? In your opinion, you have ample reason? Uh, yes, in my opinion. The unfortunate thing is, Your Honor, the government has attempted to bury the fact that this was merely a joke... in my opinion. A joke taken deathly seriously by their client. I'm sorry, was that in your opinion? Ms. Vashey, was it? Yes, Your Honor. In my opinion. DIANE: The only problem is that, in an earlier taped conversation between Mr. Wade and Royce Crombie, the two men discussed Mr. Wade's faith and joked that the only people who would contribute money to him were Islamic extremists. This then became their running gag. A running gag unaccompanied by laughter, Your Honor. Yes, as tends to happen in human conversation. You'll find, at these moments in the wiretaps, Mr. Wade and Crombie joked... with laughter... about Muslim extremists. In my opinion. It does seem a little odd, Ms. Vashey, that someone who was an actual Muslim extremist would refer to associates as "Muslim extremists." Do you have anything else? Ms. Vashey, anything? Your Honor, immediately after Mr. Wade received $50,000 from an Islamic extremist contributor, he vetoed the city council's decision and insisted that the Al-Mirad mosque be built... Oh, come on. This he did over the objections of his community and the advice of his campaign manager... in my opinion. This is a moving target of an indictment, Your Honor. In my opinion, it should be rejected. The evidence is quite clear. In my opinion. Then supply it to the defense for review, and I will hear arguments on this charge in four days time. They're going to get me, no matter what. Alderman Wade did, in fact, maneuver the city council to approve the Al-Mirad mosque on 86th. And he explained why. He did. It was a blighted neighborhood, and the building that was razed was a squatter'' meth house. It's also true that the neighborhood has revived since, so one could argue that Wade made the right decision. But? He received a payment from Crombie... a $50,000 contribution... a day before he reversed himself on the mosque. It's a bad fact. Yep. Anything good? Well, there's, um... something odd. Um, the bundler, Crombie... at the time of this $50,000 contribution, he made six visits in one week to the same gas station at Garfield Park. Okay, I don't understand. This gas station is ten miles away from him. JULIUS: You think it was a meeting place for one of these Islamic contributors? Or a non-Islamic one. I will... I will find out. And we're still on the wire taps. Halfway through. Good. Then let's go. Everything all right? Yeah. It will be soon. So what'd you do with my bat? I took it because I didn't want you to destroy my next rental car. Right. So where is it? You know what I want, Kalinda? A truce. Because I really think that we got off on the wrong foot. This won't end well. Well, that's intimidating. JULIUS: The 15 boxes we've been through haven't yielded anything bullet-proof, so we need to focus on repeated patterns of conversa... Eli. How are you? Me? Good. Why? What's wrong? Nothing. I was just asking. There is a tape online which we had nothing to do with making fun of Glenn Childs's son. And I just had an angry call from the Childs campaign that they plan to return the favor. Return? What do you mean? I don't know. But I wanted to prepare you. (cell phone rings) Hold on. Hello? Yeah? Well, stop him! What do you want me to do?! Tough campaign? We get the Pastor Isaiah endorsement right at the moment when it means nothing because he loses his church. So, yeah. I guess. You're doing everything by the book, aren't you? (cell phone rings) Hello? [SCENE_BREAK] So, uh, Lemond Bishop owns this place, right? I recognize you from his crew. I did some work for Mr. Bishop last year. Okay, I know he's legit now. No more drugs. (sighs) Here's your change. So, uh... if Mr. Bishop happens to come in here, will you tell him that Kalinda dropped by, wanted to talk to him about Alderman Wade? He's not the owner, lady. I'm just across the street. Parked right there. I don't think you're hearing me. He's not the owner. You have a nice day. Stop it. You still mad at me? I'm just studying, see? This is called studying. Well, I'm bored. Well, you need to work on that, don't you? How much would it cost? Ten dollars. My mom would kill me. Not if it was just one sweet little stud. Right there. Who do you think you are, Becca? I think you just answered your question, didn't you? You think what you did is funny? What are you talking about? What did I do? The fake page you made about me. What fake page? I know you did it, you bitch. I recognize the picture. What picture? What are you talking about? The one from drama camp. What... ?! Who do you think you are? Hey! Hey! She said she didn't do it. Oh, I get it. The Florricks. Oh, no. It's... it's okay. Glenn, stop it! (onlookers murmuring) Zach! BECCA: Don't worry, you're still beautiful. He's such a jerk. Well, you were very brave. No, I was just... Thanks for sticking up for me. I got to go. [SCENE_BREAK] Stay in. Mr. Bishop? Oh, yeah. Now I know you. Kalinda Sharma. Yeah, but your firm... I thought you guys went bankrupt. Not yet, but we are working on it. (laughing) You're working on it. So, what are we after here? Actually, uh, I work for Alderman Wade. It would be really helpful if we could prove that the donations he received came from someone other than Islamic extremists. Well, I'm no Islamic extremist, lady. No. I... I didn't think that you were, sir. It's just that the day after Wade accepted the $50,000 donation, he made a 180-degree turn on building a mosque. We just need to show that the money's irrelevant. That's all. Well, I wish I could help you, but I like to donate anonymously. You know, like Jesus said. "Do good deeds in private, so only your Heavenly Father will reward you." Sure, but uh... we could keep you anonymous. No. Thank you, though. This is what I need. I need you to stop asking questions about my business. My apologies. Good luck with Wade. I hated the Pistons. But I always liked him. (exhales) [SCENE_BREAK] Every year, Cook County police map out gang territories according to crime statistics, arrests, and gang tags. This is a copy of last year's map. This territory here, according to police, belongs to Lemond Bishop. Our old friend, Bishop. He seems to be doing quite well. And who's this here? This is Cobal Sixty. A competing gang. They ran a meth house from the squatters' building here. That's the building that was torn down, and the Al-Mirad mosque was built in its place. Oh, my God. This is a copy of this year's map. Lemond Bishop occupies it all. Alderman Wade wasn't being paid off by Islamic extremists. The mosque was irrelevant. He was being paid off by Lemond Bishop to get rid of his competition's base. What a defense. Wade wasn't working for terrorists. He was working for a drug lord. You took the money. We found out you took the $50,000 from a drug dealer. From a businessman. Come on. Lemond Bishop's as much a businessman as I'm a point guard. You helped him control territory. When did the rules get tougher for black politicians? Of course I took a campaign contribution. Of course I treated that contributor like a friend. Oh my God. You're like a little kid who gets his hand stuck in a cookie jar, starts yelling about racial bias. No, I'm like a little kid who had to wait in line for the white kids to get their hands out of the cookie jar. Well, we're talking a plea bargain now. We can get them down to five years. No. Wade, our only defense is that you're just as corrupt as any other politician in this damn town. Then argue it! We have no options! We got two wars in this country. Terrorism and drugs. You just went from one enemy camp to another. I'm not taking a plea. Now... You gonna suit up? (ball bouncing) Oh, hello, Mrs. Florrick. Yes? I'm Becca. I'm... I'm visiting Zach. Zach, I think, is still at school. Oh. Oh, wait. Oh. That's him. Um, he asked if I could wait. He'll be right up. Well, may I? Certainly. I guess he had to take Nisa home first. She's his... his girlfriend. So you're not... ? (laughs) Zach's girlfriend? No. We're just study partners. I... I don't have time for boyfriends. My dad says, "Get into a good college first, and then we can talk about boys." So you haven't met Nisa? No. Zach is a real sweetie to make her feel at home. Her family's from Somalia, and I know how out of place someone like that can feel here. No. He wants to go forward. With what? With whatever we got. He considers this a racial prosecution. It is a racial prosecution, but it's a racial prosecution we're gonna lose. We still have the wiretaps. There's a lot of people on them. Campaign operatives. Politicians who seem pretty savvy about the cash. Show the hypocrisy of the prosecution by naming the white participants who are not being tagged. One of them's our client. Who? Eli Gold. Well, it wouldn't be Chicago if there weren't a conflict of interest. Okay, so let's finish the taps, collect the names of all the operatives and politicians on them, get our ducks in row, see what kind of brief we can argue from it. How long have you known Eli was on the wiretap? A few days. We don't share information anymore? WADE: Well, could you have the mayor phone me back? MAN (recording): Of course, Alderman. I understand how important this is, and of course you understand... Can you listen to this? But I promise you... WADE (chuckles): Hey, no one else works on a Sunday. WOMAN (laughs): And what's up with you, Matthew? I heard you're running into a little trouble. WADE: Well, it's nothing I can't handle. Just wondering if you miss Chicago. WOMAN (laughing): The restaurants. So I heard the machine's falling apart. At least that's what I read. WADE: Yeah, you guys all flee to the White House, and we're left holding the bag. WOMAN (laughs): Oh, come on, Wade. Who is it? Do you want me to tell Obama that? Ruth Yamaguchi? The actual Ruth Yamaguchi? No, no, I'll get the briefs together. You finish the tapes. Good news? The best. Uh, I've asked you here, Eli... because I'm starting a new firm with David Lee, and I want your business to come with me. This move doesn't seem like you. It's more like... Will... I know. I discovered Will and Derrick Bond were thinking of pushing me out, so this is me being proactive. This is happening when? Soon, in a few weeks, which takes me to the second thing that I have to ask of you. I need you to keep this confidential until we're ready to make our move. Where is Mrs. Florrick going? I... I don't know. My guess is... she might stay with Will. But I'd like her to come with me. Thank you, Diane, for this confidence, but I can't commit to a move. I have to see where the chips fall first. I understand. You're being wiretapped. You'll need a good lawyer. TAP TECH (on recording): 5/22/10, 8:33 p.m. WADE: Alderman Wade. WILL: "Alderman Wade"? Listen to you. WADE (laughs): Hey, Will, I saw it was you, man. It was a joke. WILL: I don't think it was a joke. I think you've turned into Alderman Wade, Savior of the 53rd Ward. WADE: Yep, no time for the little people. So did you talk to her? I did. And? Choked. WADE: No, you're kidding. What'd she say? WILL: Nothing, she didn't say anything. She blew you off? She didn't even phone me back. I asked her to phone me back and... WADE: Wait a minute, you didn't talk to her in person? WILL: She was at her husband's press conference. What was I going to do? WADE: Oh, come on, grow a pair, dude. WILL: I did; I even phoned her twice. Once, I said, "Let's move on," then I phoned back to... TAP TECH: 2518 minimization. 30-second break. Tap resumed. WADE: I guess I thought it was obvious. You spill your heart in person; you don't do it in a voice mail. WILL: I don't know. WADE: Right, that's why I'm telling you. Now, listen to me. Go to her now and you're going to say the same thing in person. WILL: No, I'm done. I'm over it, and that's good. It's like something lifted. If I weren't her boss and she weren't married, and... we'd be having a different conversation, but... she's right not to phone... and I'm good with it. (gasps) (door buzzing) (sighs) (beeps) WILL: Hey, I just wanted to say... Look, you're right. I don't have a plan. It's wrong. I'm your boss, you're my employee. Let's just drop this. Okay? Your Honor, in my opinion, if I may be allowed just to... No, in my opinion, we've make my point, Counselor... presented sufficient evidence... Ms. Lockhart, I am seeing no reason to dismiss these charges. The motion is denied. We will continue to trial. Now... Is there anything else? Yes, just one more thing, Your Honor. Your Honor, we ask that subpoenas be ordered for a person caught speaking on the government wiretaps. I'm not allowing a fishing expedition here, Counselor. I understand that, Your Honor. In our opinion, there is only one person we need in order to offer context to the charge that Alderman Wade was bought by Islamic extremists. And who is that? Ruth Yamaguchi. This witness is on the government tapes? She is, Your Honor, discussing Alderman Wade's relationship with Muslims. Your Honor, just to be clear, Ruth Yamaguchi is... she works at the White House. And... ? (sighs) Her connection to this case is tangential, at best. In your opinion? Yeah, of course. Your Honor, we understand that Ms. Yamaguchi works for President Obama, and there may be some reluctance to hear President Barack Obama's name mentioned in the same sentence as "Muslim" and "terrorist," but in my opinion, that should have no impact on the path to justice. I would agree. The subpoena is so ordered. Is there anything else? Ms. Vashey? VASHEY: Your Honor, we will need a five-minute recess. Bad time? Brad Pitt has an earring. (chuckles) We're studying, Grandma. I know. She doesn't like me. Tell her you have a 4.2 GPA, and she will. No, my guess is she still wouldn't like me. (computer beeps) NISA: Who's Becca? (Zach chuckles) GRACE: For God's sake! He's done with her. It was a one-time thing. It's over! It's done... done... done... done... Would you just stop following me?! (hip-hop beat plays) ♪ Beat it! ♪ That's your sister? My dad already said he beat it, and he'll beat it again, if he has to... just like everyone else. ♪ You gotta beat it! ♪ When'd she do this? He slept with one hooker, okay? One hooker! Ju-ju-just... one hooker! One hooker! Hey, look, a lot of hits. What don't you understand? One hooker! One... one... one hooker! ♪ Beat it ♪ One hooker! What don't you understand? I got to phone my dad. (gasps) Good job. The government freaked out about the Ruth Yamaguchi subpoena. They're dropping the case against Wade. Come on, Florrick, give it up. Good job. Yeah. I, um... Do you... ? I need to ask you a question. Sure. I hate your towels. Oh, hey. What's up?	Plan: A: LGB; Q: What law firm is representing Matthew Wade? A: Matthew Wade; Q: Who is the alderman who was indicted for taking campaign contributions in exchange for getting a mosque built on the site of an abandoned housing project? A: now-deceased bundler Royce Crombie; Q: Who gave Matthew Wade the money to build a mosque? A: ties; Q: What did Royce Crombie have with Islamic extremists? A: Islamic extremists; Q: What group is Royce Crombie allegedly connected to? A: a terrorist organization; Q: What is Matthew Wade being charged with aiding and abetting? Summary: LGB takes on the case of Matthew Wade, an alderman who has been indicted for taking campaign contributions in exchange for getting a mosque built on the site of an abandoned housing project. To complicate matters further, the money came from now-deceased bundler Royce Crombie, who allegedly has ties with Islamic extremists. Matthew is being charged with aiding and abetting a terrorist organization.
Scene 1: Sookie's house - Sookie, Lafayette, Tara, Maryann, Jane, Eggs, Arlene Lafayette: She wants you downstairs with the egg. Tara: Yeah? Lafayette: Now. Sookie: Tara? Tara? What are you doing? Tara: He's coming. This means he's coming. Sookie: Tara! Tara, what...? Lafayette, sweetie? I'm your friend. I know you're in there. You don't want to do this. Lafayette's thoughts: Prepare her for Bromios, prepare her for Eleutherios. Lafayette: Take off your clothes. Sookie: What? Listen to what you're saying. Lafayette: I have thousand-year-old vampire blood in me. Now, take off your fcking clothes! Sookie takes off her clothes. Lafayette: Now put this on. Lafayette and Sookie go down. Jane: Get down here. We're waiting for you. Lafayette: Here she is, just like you wanted. Maryann: Just in time. Sookie: What the hell are you doing in my grandmother's wedding dress? Maryann: Welcome, Sookie. You're gonna be my maid of honor. Credit Sookie: Eggs, let me go. Eggs: Don't fight it. Just let it take you. Sookie: I've spent enough time being taken recently. Maryann: You haven't been taken. Just borrowed. To go along with old, new and blue over here. Arlene: Which one am I? Sookie: You have no right to wear that dress. Maryann: I know I should have asked, but I couldn't find you. You'll probably never us it anyway. Sookie: Oh, go to hell. Maryann: Please don't be so negative. It is my day. Sookie: And you're in my house. And those are my friends. Plus Jane Bodenhouse. Jane: I've always liked you, Sookie. You give me extra pickles. Sookie: I don't knowhow you did what you've done to them, but I will not let this happen. Maryann: Girls, would you mind going and helping with the refreshments? I need to have a moment with my maid of honor. Jane: Come on, Lafayette. Maryann: Oh, and bring some vines. You too, Eggs. She's not going anywhere. Everyone leaves. Maryann: I'm all yours. Give it your best. Sookie: My best what? Maryann: The electricity. Do it again. Sookie: I can't. it's never happened to me before. I don't even know what it was. Maryann: I never felt anything like it. It was like nature herself was shooting out from your fingertips. Sookie tries. Maryann: That's hitting me. You're not committing to this at all. Sookie: I do not have electrical powers. I am a human being. Maryann: You keep saying that. But if you were human... I would have taken you over by now. Come on. It'll be our little secret. What are you? Sookie: I'm a waitress. What the fck are you? Scene 2: Maxine's house - Maxine, Hoyt Maxine sings in the kitchen. Hoyt is sleeping. She tries to go out but he stops her. Hoyt: Mama, no. Maxine: What good's it do you to keep your mother locked up in her own house? Norman Bates. Hoyt: I'm gonna take everything you've said for the last days about me, about Daddy, and lock it up in a little box, and forget it ever happened. Maxine: This is bigger than your petty, little feelings. A god is coming into our midst. Does any part of your puny brain understand what that means? Hoyt: We're staying home. Scene 3: Sookie's house - Maryann, Sookie Maryann: Think back. Wasn't there ever a time you felt someone, or something, watching over you? Sookie: Yes. God. Maryann: You can call it that. But it's not the same one the blind billions worship. And in your heart of hearts, you know it. Sookie: Fine. Then what am I? Maryann: You're definitely beyond human. I live off human energy. And yours I can't channel. That's very rare, though surprisingly not unique in this town. Sookie: Sam. You're marrying Sam? Maryann: Please. My husband is a god. Sam is... he's just the ideal wedding gift. It's been such a long wait. I'm sorry. I'm getting a little overexcited. I'll smear everything. No time has ever been more perfect. I know my special sacrifice is on his way. Sookie: He's done nothing to you. Maryann: He is the vessel. He appeared to me naked, a virgin, drawn to the very statue that represents the birth of my god. Should have sacrificed him then, but I foolishly let him go. Sookie: By "sacrifice", does that involve cutting out his heart? Maryann: It's the food of the gods. My husband will love it. It's the very thing that gives him life. Sookie: You'll never get Sam. He can escape you. Maryann: That is why you are here. It's fate. Just as Sam Merlotte is the one who will bring forth my husband, you, my dear, are the one who will bring forth Sam Merlotte. The moment he learns where you are, he'll come running like a dog. Maybe even as a dog. There. Isn't that beautiful? Scene 4: Sophie-Anne's house - Sophie-Anne, Eric, Luis, Hadley Eric: How long does this game go on for? Sophie-Anne: We play to 5 million. Hadley: She's way ahead. Sophie-Anne: It's pure luck. Yahtzee is the most egalitarian game in the world. You could be my social, physical, or intellectual inferior, but your chances are equal to mine. It's the perfect antidote for this world, where things such as superiority and inferiority do matter. Speaking of which, I heard about your maker. That blows. Eric: Thank you. Your Majesty is very kind... Sophie-Anne: Yahtzee! Hadley: That's six in a row. Luis: It is a magic. Sophie-Anne: I do not cheat. What would be the point? I'm sorry. You were saying? Eric: I was just saying thank you. Your Majesty's kind... Sophie-Anne: Oh yes, now I remember. Did you know that there's a maenad in Renard Parish? Eric: Yes, that is the reason I came to see you. Sophie-Anne: I wouldn't get involved if I were you. Stick to what you're good at. I gave William Compton a few bits of hand-me-down folklore we've accumulated over the centuries, but who knows if it's gospel or gorilla sh1t? You know, I think he's monogamous with his human. Eric: He is in love with her, yes. Hadley: He is? Sophie-Anne: Of course he would be with her. You probably are too. Eric: I do not love humans. Sophie-Anne: She's not entirely human. Have you tasted her? Eric: Sadly, no. Sophie-Anne: Don't. Ever. One vampire falling in love is bad enough. Eric: Yes, Bill Compton certainly has a knack for finding trouble. Sophie-Anne: For instance, how does he know I'm having you sell vampire blood? The guards hear everything. Eric: Your Majesty, I'm sorry. There's no way he could... Sophie-Anne: That is really bad. Eric: He does not know you are supplying it. Sophie-Anne: He'd better not. I'm holding you responsible. There they are. Aren't yours lovely. You may be the strongest, oldest vampire in my queendom, but if I wanted, I could own your fangs as earrings. Understand? Eric: I will take care of Bill Compton. Personally. Luis: Your turn to make a Yahtzee. Eric: You suck at this. Scene 5: In the woods near Sookie's house - Andy, Jason Andy: You sure you wanna go in with the backup? Jason: You're my backup. Now, this is Special Ops. We're surgical. One shot. Say hello to my little friend. Hasta la vista, baby. I love the smell of nail polish in the morning. Andy: Holy sh1t. Jason: That's Stackhouse property. They got no right to do that. Andy: You just gonna run in there? We're way outnumbered. Jason: Not with Kid Glock on my side. And yours. Andy: I never killed nobody before. Jason: You see that house? It's been in my family for 150 years. Now, what kind of man would stand by while his grandmother's house gets torn to the ground? Andy: It's not my grandmother's house. Jason: But it's in the town you swore to protect. It's times like these when this town needs a good man, Andy. And that man... is us. Let's hit it. Rosy: Detective Bellefleur. Frisk me. Andy: Hey, get off. Terry: No one sees the bride before the wedding. Jason: The what? Step away from the house. Terry: Don't fight it. Jason: Andy, Andy, where are you? Andy: Right here. He has black eyes. Andy: He's coming! Andy hits Jason. Jason has black eyes too. Jason: fck, yeah! Jason kisses Maxine. Scene 6: Merlotte's - Sam, Bill Sam: All right, they're asleep in the trailer. Lisa was so worried about her mom she was afraid to go to bed. Bill: If you'd let me glamour them, they would have been asleep in seconds. You've heard there is a maenad in our midst. Sam: I'm familiar. Bill: Are you aware she's here because of you? Sam: Something like that. Bill: I need you, Sookie needs you, to make this right. Sam: If I thought it was as easy as giving myself up to Maryann, I'd have done it by now. And what's to say she's gonna stop at me? Killers don't just suddenly wuit killing. You ought to know that. Bill: And standing by idly is not an option either. You must come with me. Sam: No, I'm not sure I wanna be doing that. Bill: I'm not sure I'm giving you a choice. Scene 7: Sookie's house - Arlene, Sookie, Maryann, Jane, Lafayette Sookie: Okay, what is with this egg? Did you lay it? Maryann: No, silly, it's an ostrich egg. It represents fertility. Jane: Anoint it with his blood. Maryann: You're the maid of honor. You have to lick the egg. Arlene: Just lick it, already! Lafayette: Only through the blood will he come. Jason: Your vessel has arrived. Sookie: Oh Jason, no. Jason: Sookie. You look... beautiful. Maryann: Girls, the time has come. You too. Sookie: I will not be part of anything so evil. Maryann: You. You're the brother? Maybe I could kill you. Sookie: Fine, I'll go. But please, just don't hurt anyone else. Maryann: Make sure she behaves. Here we go. Sookie: Youj're gonna break my arm! Jason: Don't make me, because I'll do it. In the garden. Bill: Maenad! Sookie: Bill, what the hell are you doing? Bill: I have your sacrifice. Maryann: Oh, my sweet vessel. Bill: I offer him in exchange for Sookie. Sookie: No, she'll kill him! Sam: She's not gonna stop with me. Maryann: Take her to the dead man. She's served her purpose. Sookie: Bill, you can't let her kill Sam! Bill: Sorry. This is the only way. Sam: Get your fcking hands off me! Sookie: Sam! Let go of me! Sam: Get her out of here. I won't have her watch me die. Maryann: I will always be grateful to you. Sam: This isn't for you. Maryann: Gentlemen, he's yours. Sam: Get the hell off me. Sookie: This is what your vampire source told you to do? To give up Sam? Bill: Sookie, you have to trust me. Maryann: Let us call forth our God. Lafayette: The God with horns! Worship him, bitches! Now the sacrificial egg. He's coming, he's coming, Hail Dionysus. Bacchus. Bromios. Eleutherios. Dendrites. All these names of yours, our bull-horned god. Upon this occasion of our marriage, our offering symbolizes the rebirth of our god. When he was a child, the jealous Titans ripped him to shreds, eating all but his heart. And this last piece was saved by his sister, Pallas Athena, who placed it into the womb of his mother so that he could be reborn. Oh, great mother, soon you shall have the heart that will make your egg grow fertile, and your son, our bull-horned god, will come and stand in your place. At last. At long, long last. He is yours, my Lord. You're lucky, Sam. It's everyone's wish to have their life mean something. So few ever get to realize that. Come on, do it already. Do it. Sacrifice him! Sam, use your gift. Use yours. Bring me the blood. He is the vessel. My Lord, this is the vessel who shall unite us. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. Destroy it. All of it. The egg! You killed our sacred egg! It's not sacred. None of it's sacred. It's evil. How dare you spoil my offering? Lord Dionysus, forgive me! Allow me to sacrifice all of them for you. Stop it! You're hurting them! You brought this upon everyone. My Lord? My husband. You've come. I am here, my love. We're together at last. Come to me. My God. I am the one to be sacrificed. I am the vessel. I'm happy to die. I'm yours. Was there no God? He killed you. Almost. Is she gone? I think so. Is Sam all right? He had to drink more of me than I expected. He's okay. I promised Sam that I would heal him. We knew no other way of destroying her. I understand. I'm sorry if I worried you. I so badly wished that you could hear my thoughts. Sam, you were willing to die for us. Bill kind of promised he wouldn't let that happen. But if things didn't work out, I guess I... I was ready. Holy fck. We got her? You remember anything? No. It was bad, wasn't it? Bill, get rid of her body. Bury it. I don't care where. Help everyone get home. Ain't you gonna tell what happened? Not now. Just get everyone off my lawn. It's all over now. Sookie, why do I have this sick feeling that it's not? Mama, you're okay. You're okay, Mama. Mama. Thank you, God. Thank you. Well, how'd we get home? What, you don't remember anything? The last thing I remember is meeting that red-headed vampire of yours, and then I... She didn't bite me, did she? You let a vampire feed on me? Why on Earth would you choose that girl over your own mother? I didn't. I brought you straight back here right after she... did that, and then I... I haven't spoken to her since. What sort of evil monster would attack an innocent person for no reason? Look, she was kind of... provoked. It wasn't you. Whatever it was that had control of you made you say a bunch of things you didn't mean. Like what? Spiteful stuff. About Jessica. About me. And Daddy. Lies, about how he shot himself. That's not true, right? It was a burglar. You're nearly 30. You should know the truth. I should have known the truth when I was 10! Or, hell, when I was 25. All these years you keep me here, you keep me from moving out, from going to college... from doing anything all because you were scared of some burglar that never existed. I was scared. I'm still scared. You're all I got left. I had to hang on to you. You lied to me for 18 years just because you didn't want to be alone, instead of letting me be an actual person. You know what I wish? I wish that Jessica had finished you off. [SCENE_BREAK] I'm sure you're... You're just asleep. God pray you're asleep. Mama's gonna be home real soon, okay? I love you. That's the third call. Why aren't they picking up? Yeah, come on. Let's walk. I can give you a lift. My truck's just down the road. Could you? God bless you. What is it? I think... I think I found my finger. Holy Moses. How the hell did you...? It's okay. Arlene, you mind if Jane comes with us? We need to get her to the ER. Of course. How the fck did I get here? Come on by the station in the morning. I'll give you your badge back. Really? I won't let you down, Bud. And I'm never touching another drink again. This towns a hell of a mess, and I'm man enough to know I can't shoulder it myself. You might have your faults, Andy, but at least you got pants on. I wanted to thank you for trusting me with your life. That couldn't have been easy. Sookie's safe. You got what you wanted. You wanted it too. Well, she's family. But they all are. If there was a way to save 'em, how could I say no? I am grateful that you would reveal your gift for the sake of the town. It took me this long to realize it, but you suffer more hiding something than you do if you face up to it. Where's Maryann? She's gotta know what happened. We're okay. That's all that matters. Blood on my hands is not okay, Tara. Sookie helped me remember some of the things I lost. And I wish I could forget it again. There's things you don't want to know. How do you know I don't want? All that stuff's in the past. Why dwell on it? Can't we just start fresh? fck, there's blood under my fingernails. Finally got everyone home. Did Bill come in? I think he went upstairs. Is he okay? Are you okay? Yeah, I just... I'm so sorry for bringing all this craziness into your house. I got sucked in 'cause she made me feel like I was a part of... Like... a family or something. You have a family. We're family. And tomorrow, we're gonna clean every single thing that monster touched in this house. My God, is...? Is Mike Spencer still here? I kinda knocked him out. I'll wake him up. You go to bed. Thank you. How long before sunrise? Forty-one minutes. Hold me for 40. I certainly never expected anything like that to happen here. I know. Thanks for opening today. I know you didn't have to, but everyone's grateful for a little something familiar. It's not just my bar. It's everybody's. But it's called Merlotte's. Merlotte is just a name. Doesn't really say anything about me, does it? Mama, we forgive you. Oh. You shouldn't even have to know what that word means. Mama, it's okay. Mr. Merlotte kept us company. He took us to see some vampires, and one of them can fly. Well, Mr. Merlotte's a good man, but he ain't your family. I'm the one that should have been there. I'm so sorry about that, okay? But I promise you that from now on, I'm gonna be the best mama in the world, okay? Stick 'em up. Tell you what, you kids keep an eye on your mama when she's at home, and I'll make sure nothin' bad happens to her when she's here. That way, we can all take care of each other, okay? Sure, I guess. Sounds like a plan to me. We're drowning back here. Come on. You can skip to the ice cream if you want. When you went away for all that time, you didn't go see Rene, did you? I think he's still on his vacation. Eat, eat. Yep, I'm pretty sure he's dead. Gas leak, my ass. You know the real reason no one remembers anything? It's the way the aliens wanted it. The what? "Maryann Forrester" rhymes with "Martian Foreigner." She's a fugitive from her home planet. Everyone knows that, uh, aliens erase people's memories. It just adds up. I heard that Maryann Forrester was an agent of the pharmaceutical companies and the liberal media, and she poisoned our water supply with LSD as a mind-control experiment. Like they did to San Francisco? That's why I stick to Mountain Dew. Refill? Please. You know, between us, the real story? ATF shut down a distillery in Breaux Bridge last week over a bad batch of vodka. Pure ethanol. Apparently that's what they were serving up last night. Mountain Dew. Smart choice. I knew it. God bless who made those jeans. I'm serious, I'll wear him like a scrunchie. Hit me. Everybody been acting so crazy, I forgot how stupid they were. There it is. I feel for you the most. What? Why? 'Cause you know what really happened, and you got to carry the burden of that. I mean, I'm thrilled I got a choice, and I don't ever wanna know. Don't tell me nothing, even if I beg for it. I don't think it's healthy to know everything you've done. Its like knowing what's sausage. You should just eat it. You should enjoy it. Speaking of which, Jane Bodenhouse wants a jambalaya. I don't know. It was so traumatic I must have blacked out, but I'm thinking a gator must have bit it off while I was down at the lake. I've been doing a lot of sunbathing lately. But the doctor who sewed it back on says I have wonderful bone structure, so hopefully it'll take. Luckily, I use my right hand for most things. It wasn't no gator and you weren't down by the lake. I saw you pull that finger out of a giant statue of meat. Just like I saw you getting it from behind from Mike Spencer. Whatever you're drinking, we all want some of that. It's Diet Coke with lime. Great. Used to be they all thought I was crazy. Now they know I'm tellin' the truth, and they can't face it. Zombie-eyed freaks. Hey, let it go, Bubba. Look, you and me both know we saved her and everybody else. We're... We're heroes to this town. What? They don't remember anything, we don't remember anything. How does that make us heroes? We gotta be. We set out to save this town from Maryann. Now today, she's gone, and everybody's okay. We must have done something right. In my book, if no one thinks we're heroes, it don't count. Of course it counts. It's like if a tree falls in the woods. It's still a tree, ain't it? The whole point in being a hero is to do something greater than yourself. It'd be easy to do it for the glory or the girls, but we're bigger men than that, right? Strange to see you working here. It's been a while. It's like riding a bicycle. You think you can keep an eye on things here, without me for a couple days? Why, where you going? Well, I... I'm the only one who hasn't had a break. And in case you didn't notice, yesterday was a little rough for me too. I don't have the words to thank you for what you did. It's probably best you don't. I'm not sure we want people knowing... well, any of it. I for one wish everyone knew how special you are. I'm Autumn from Maison Maribel in Ruston. Special delivery for you. Thank you. Lucky girl. You've got one classy admirer. Can I have a minute? Sure. {\I've owed you an evening out for some time now.} {\I would very much like for you to wear this Tonight. Bill.} My God, you scared me half to death. I'm sorry, Sookie. I just... I gotta talk to you. What is it? You look like you haven't slept all night. There's gaps... where I can't remember anything. But I have to know what I did, and... Please. I need your help. I don't know. It's not as easy as that. I had blood on my hands last night, and I can't remember why. Now, I know I did terrible things in my past, but I paid for 'em. I thought that was all over. But if it's not... I got a right to know. Are you sure? 'Cause Maryann made a lot of people do a lot of things they wouldn't ordinarily do. Like...? Like what? What things? I can't live with myself not knowing what I did. I don't know what I am. You can help me, I know you can. I know it. Please help me. Please help me. I can't promise it'll work. I had Bill with me last time. Tell me what to do. I want you to find it. You have to open yourself up. You have to let me in, okay? Let's go back to your first blackout. Do you remember that? Take me back there. What's the last thing you remember? I'm with Maryann in her car. She's taking me somewhere. Then it's just blank. Concentrate. Let me in. I'm trying. You're in the woods. There's a woman there with a... With a cane? I see her. You're a vessel to the Other World. You will bring forth my God. I ain't no vessel. I don't know what I'm doing. It wasn't you. You had no free will. I killed people. I cut out their hearts. No, listen to me. That wasn't you. Maryann used you. But it was my hands. My hands that did all that. Please... don't blame yourself. Eggs, I'm so sorry. You look quite a vision. Are you off to see Hoyt Fortenberry? So what if I am? You're going to see Sookie, aren't you? It's fine. In my day, the gentleman came to the lady's house to court her, but times change. I see his mother's gone. He took her home yesterday. Good. I hope she's better. And I hope you and Hoyt have a nice time. Thanks. Actually, we kinda had a little fight, but I was just gonna go over and make an apology. Well, he'd be a fool not to accept. Where are you going with Sookie? To a French restaurant. Do you know I haven't been to one in over 70 years? Humans seem to love them. They go there to celebrate. Just be back by 5. You be back by 4. Mrs. Merlotte. Oh, dear God. You... threw away all the pictures of me? We have 'em. It's just... It'd be hard to explain to friends who think we never had children. Will you sit down? No, I don't plan on staying. We never thought we'd see you again. Never say never when there's the Internet. If you came for an explanation, I don't have a good one. Mitchell and I were down to our last nickel, and we were scared. We still don't know what we saw that night. You saw me turn into a dog. And apparently that was worth abandoning me over. So I spent the next 19 years making sure nobody would know who I really was. That's what you left me with. I'm sorry. I am so sorry, Sam. We never meant to hurt you. Hey, hey. I'm not here for an apology. I wanna find the people you adopted me from. I wanna meet my parents. I can't do that. I swore to them I'd never say anything. Jesus Christ. Please. Trust me. You don't wanna know them. They're bad people. I guess you know a thing or two about that. {\Melinda + Joe Ler Mickens last known is Magnolia Art.} No, before we go any further, there's something you ought to know. What's that, sugar? That I'm... I'm a virgin. That's okay. I'll be gentle with you. In fact, I kinda like it. Really? Well, I don't like it one bit. Welcome, Mr. Compton. We are all ready for you. Thank you. I'll get the music started. You rented out the whole place? The sight of you is not something I wish to share with others tonight. You didn't have to do all this for me. I love nothing more than to see you happy. It's really quite selfish. Well, I know I'm gonna eat, but what's there for you to do at a restaurant besides look at me? We can dance. May I? Hold up. Hold up! Listen, I'm a killer. I'm a murderer. I murdered innocent people. Now, you have to lock me up, please. All right, man, why don't you put the knife down. We'll talk? It's the murder weapon, you dumb fck! The voodoo woman, Daphne, Sam Merlotte. I used it on all of them. Hold on. You were under Maryann's spell. But it was me who cut out those women's hearts. Calm down. Calm down. Give me that knife... You call this a knife? I saw their eyes. Looking up at me, holding this knife out. That was the last thing they saw, Andy. He was gonna... Holy sh1t. I ain't never killed nobody before. f*ck, this ain't even mine. Give it to me. Give me the gun. You didn't see anything. You weren't here. Get the hell out of here. Go on. Go! Somebody call an ambulance. What happened? We got a confession from our killer and a murder weapon. He was coming after me, and, uh... Oh, God. I got him. Tara, honey, don't... No, please. Please. It's a good thing you don't eat. 'Cause I wouldn't have shared it with anyone. I can't think of a better way to top off the best meal of my life. I do have one last thing. Plane tickets? Where's Burlington? It's in Vermont. Vermont? Why would we...? This is the other part. Miss Stackhouse, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife? That is, assuming that last night didn't scare you off weddings for good. Say something. I've dreamed of this since I was a girl. And in my dreams, I always say yes. Then it ought to be easy. Then why can't I say it? My heart's flying around in my chest. I can't even think straight. My life's inside-out. With all that's happened, I'm not sure about anything. I don't even know if I'm human. What? Maybe I am some kind of freak. I've only met one other person in the world like me, and who even knows where he is? And what happens when I grow old and weak and you're still the same? What then? I don't care about any of that. I want you just as you are. But I'm not even sure what I am. Are you saying no? I'm saying... I don't know what I'm saying. I need a minute to clean myself up. I'm sorry. Yes, Bill Compton, I will marry you.	Plan: A: Honor; Q: What does Maryann appoint Sookie as the Maid of? A: Sookie's disgust; Q: What did Sookie think of Maryann's decision to make her the Maid of Honor? A: an entranced Lafayette; Q: Who restrains Sookie after she fails to repeat her "electric" touch? A: Andy Bellefleur; Q: Who did Eggs hold at knife-point? A: Andy; Q: Who tells Jason to leave and that he didn't see anything? A: the crowd; Q: Who did Jason and Andy Bellefleur try to advance on with an arsenal of weaponry? A: Sophie-Anne; Q: Who did Eric meet with in season two? A: V; Q: What drug did Sophie-Anne want Lafayette to start dealing again? A: Northman; Q: Who did Sophie-Anne want to kill? A: Sam; Q: Who did Eggs stab in the season two finale? A: Sam to Maryann; Q: Who did Bill offer to in exchange for Sookie's safety? A: Eggs; Q: Who was the one who stabbed Sam? A: Eggs stabs Sam; Q: Who did Eggs kill? A: his blood; Q: What did Eggs give to Sam to help him recover? A: her body; Q: What does Maryann rub the blood of Sam on? A: her poisonous claws; Q: What weapon did Maryann use to pursue Sookie? A: the chest; Q: Where did the bull stab Sookie? A: its horns; Q: What did the bull use to stab Maryann? A: Maryann's heart; Q: What did Sam remove from Maryann? A: his trust; Q: What does Bill thank Sam for? A: Bon Temps; Q: What town did Bill thank Sam for saving? A: his mom; Q: Who did Hoyt learn was not lying about his dad's death? A: Jessica; Q: Who did Hoyt go to find after learning that his dad had committed suicide? A: Bill's house; Q: Where did Hoyt go to find Jessica? A: a gas station; Q: Where did Jessica go to apologize to Hoyt? A: an unsuspecting truck driver; Q: Who did Jessica feed on at the gas station? A: his adopted parents; Q: Who does Sam go to visit? A: His adopted mother; Q: Who is still unable to accept that Sam is a shapeshifter? A: Sam's request; Q: What does Sam's father write a response to? A: his real parents; Q: Who did Sam want to know about? A: bad people; Q: What did Sam's step-mother warn him about his parents? A: the recent happenings; Q: What is Eggs deeply disturbed by? A: his blackouts; Q: What does Eggs ask Sookie to help him uncover his actions during? A: Miss Jeanette; Q: Who did Eggs murder? A: his own free will; Q: What does Andy tell Eggs that his actions were not of? A: the hold-up; Q: What did Jason see from afar that caused him to shoot Eggs? A: his gun; Q: What did Andy take from Jason after he shot Eggs? A: Tara; Q: Who breaks down in tears when she sees Eggs shot and dead? A: a French restaurant; Q: Where did Bill take Sookie to propose to her? A: the bathroom; Q: Where did Sookie go to get her mind straightened out after Bill proposed to her? A: a moment; Q: How long does Sookie take to decide that she wants to marry Bill? A: a silver chain; Q: What was Bill captured with? A: the place; Q: What is in disarray when Sookie returns to the restaurant? Summary: In the season two finale, Maryann has decided to appoint Sookie as the "Maid of Honor" at her sacrificial ritual, much to Sookie's disgust. Maryann asks Sookie to repeat her "electric" touch, but Sookie fails to do so. She is restrained by an entranced Lafayette. Jason and Andy Bellefleur try to advance on the crowd with an arsenal of weaponry, only to become quickly entranced themselves. During Eric's meeting with Sophie-Anne, it is revealed that she's the one who ordered him to have Lafayette start dealing V again. She does not like the fact that Bill knows what Northman is doing, but Eric promises to take care of him before he can figure out that Sophie-Anne is in fact behind it all. Bill finds Sam at Merlotte's and orders him to come with him to see Maryann. Bill offers Sam to Maryann in exchange for Sookie's safety. Sookie strongly objects to this, but Bill asks her to trust him. Eggs stabs Sam and offers some of his blood to Maryann, who rubs the blood on her body. Sam has not died, however, and tells Sookie to destroy all of Maryann's ritual offerings, which Sookie does. This angers Maryann who pursues Sookie with her poisonous claws, but she is stopped by a bull whom she believes to be the God Who Comes. Offering herself to the "God", the bull stabs her in the chest with its horns, and as Maryann starts to die, the bull transforms back to Sam, who finishes the job by removing Maryann's heart. Bill reveals to Sookie that he allowed Sam to drink his blood so he could recover after being stabbed. Bill also thanks Sam for his trust and for helping save the town of Bon Temps. Hoyt learns that his mom was not lying about his dad having committed suicide. Deeply disturbed by this, he walks out on her again to go find Jessica. When he arrives at Bill's house, nobody is there. Jessica, after telling Bill she is going to apologize to Hoyt, instead goes to a gas station and feeds on an unsuspecting truck driver. Sam goes to visit his adopted parents. His adopted mother cries and still can't accept that Sam is a shapeshifter, while his adopted father who appears deathly ill writes a response to Sam's request, to know who his real parents were, despite his step-mother's warnings that they were bad people. Eggs is deeply disturbed by the recent happenings and begs Sookie to help him uncover his actions during his blackouts. With her help, he learns that he was the one who murdered Miss Jeanette, Daphne and was also the one who stabbed Sam. Incredibly distraught over the things he'd done with Maryann, he holds Andy Bellefleur at knife-point begging to be arrested. Andy tries to explain that all of his actions were not of his own free will, but Jason, seeing the hold-up from afar, does not realize what is happening and shoots Eggs. Jason is afraid after realizing he has killed Eggs, but Andy takes his gun, wipes it off and tells Jason to leave and that "he was not here and he didn't see anything." Tara arrives along with many others to see Eggs shot and dead, and she breaks down in tears. Bill takes Sookie out to a French restaurant and proposes to her. Sookie is initially confused and afraid because of all of the recent happenings in her life. Excusing herself to go to the bathroom, she takes a moment to compose herself and decides that she does want to marry Bill. However, Bill is captured with a silver chain and kidnapped. When she returns, she finds that Bill is gone and the place is in disarray.
THE MACRA TERROR by IAN STUART BLACK first broadcast - 25th March 1967 [SCENE_BREAK] 1. PILOT'S OFFICE (On the screen is the Controller, a frail old man.) CONTROLLER: Keep away. Don't touch me. I'll obey. (A claw is seen on screen dragging the old man off.) JAMIE: What's that? What's happening! POLLY: Doctor, that was it - that thing in the picture! That was the claw! They're in control. PILOT: Take them out of here. They're condemned to the pits. OLA: Come on. Get out, all of you. Out! Get out! (The Doctor, Polly and Jamie are led away by Ola's guards.) PILOT: (To intercom.) Stand by work shift. Stand by in the pits. VOICE: Work shift standing by. PILOT: The strangers are being sent to you for pit labour. Put them in the Danger Gang. (Fanfare.) CONTROL: Your orders are correct, Pilot. The strangers must be sent to explore the new gas reserves. They are dangerous people. They must be disciplined. PILOT: Yes, Control. CONTROL: You will forget all that happened. PILOT: Yes, Control. CONTROL: The Colony enjoys hard work and happiness. We will not tolerate the evil of such strangers. (Fanfare.) PILOT: Yes, Control. (To Ben.) You must serve the Colony. Keep watch on your friends, and if you see anything suspicious, report to me immediately. BEN: Yes, Pilot. [SCENE_BREAK] 2. THE GAS CENTRE (The room is full of pipes, valves and pumping machinery. Ola brings in the Doctor, Jamie and Polly.) MUSIC: We are all happy to work. We are all happy to work. For the good of the Colony. Happy to work. Happy to work. DOCTOR: Ooh! POLLY: What's the matter? DOCTOR: Dreadful. Did you hear that rhyme? The man who wrote that ought to be sent to the Danger Gang - not us. Ha, ha, ha. OLA: All right. That's enough. OFFICIA: Ah, are these the three strangers? OLA: Yes. DOCTOR: Yes, you might call us that. OLA: They've been allocated 176 shift. OFFICIA: Oh, very good, Ola. I'll... I'll recall the shift leader. DOCTOR: What an extremely remarkable place. What efficiency. What ever do you make? OLA: Silence. JAMIE: I thought this was a mine. You know, where you dig up coal? OFFICIA: Ah, yes. But here, you see, the rock foundation is a type of salt. Now, at depths it generates gases over the years, and these gases are extremely valuable. OLA: Don't bother to explain to them. Just get them to work. JAMIE: Aye. Well, you don't send a lassie and an old man down to dig. DOCTOR: Old? What do you mean old? I'm not old, Jamie. OLA: You'll do as you're ordered. OFFICIA: Here's the leader of their shift, sir. OLA: Very well. Report any irregularities to me. (The shift leader appears. It is Medok.) JAMIE: Medok. How did you get here? MEDOK: Huh! They threw me out of the correction hospital. Apparently I'm a hopeless case. POLLY: But why did they send you here? MEDOK: The one remaining punishment they could think of - to work in the Danger Gang for life. JAMIE: For life? MEDOK: Oh, don't worry. You don't survive long in this atmosphere. It's the gas. It gets everywhere. It creeps into your lungs. And when you're down there, you're right in the thick of it. OFFICIA: Come on, Medok. Take them to their work. MEDOK: What's the hurry? OFFICIA: You don't want me to call the guard, do you? MEDOK: All right. All right. We're going. But, we are entitled to a supervisor on this shift. OFFICIA: Ah, yes. That's true. MEDOK: Yes. Well, I'm leaving this man. OFFICIA: Hmm? Oh. Well, yes. I suppose that's all right. DOCTOR: But, it's much safer up here. Isn't it, Medok? MEDOK: It is. DOCTOR: Ah, I see. I'm perfectly capable of working in the pit, thank you. Polly can have the safe job. POLLY: Uh, no. You stay up here. I wouldn't know what to do. DOCTOR: Well, I'm not sure I understand all this machinery myself. JAMIE: Do you not think you might make better use of the opportunity, Doctor? DOCTOR: What do you mean? Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Yes. I'll be supervisor. OFFICIA: (Overhearing.) What was all that? DOCTOR: Nothing. Absolutely nothing. OFFICIA: Come on you two. MEDOK: Oh, you're going to issue them with masks, aren't you? You aren't taking them down there without any protection? OFFICIA: Surely you could have seen to that? (To the Doctor.) Oh, ah, here. You'd better take this, um... this checklist. DOCTOR: But I... I would have liked a mask. (The others depart for the pit. The Doctor examines the room, full of gas pumping machinery.) DOCTOR: This really is remarkable. Most interesting. Yes. I suppose with a little adjustment... (Ben enters.) DOCTOR: Hello, Ben. Don't go. Come in. Don't be afraid. BEN: I have nothing to be afraid of. DOCTOR: No. Of course not. It wasn't your fault you betrayed your friends. BEN: The voices tell me what to do. DOCTOR: The voices may not be right, Ben. BEN: I do what I am told. DOCTOR: Yes, I know. That's why you're here, isn't it? To spy on me. What does Control want to know this time? Won't you answer me? You know, Ben, this is very unlike you. BEN: I don't know what you mean. It is my duty. DOCTOR: Hard for you to struggle against the voices, isn't it, Ben? I warn you, if you spy on the others, watch out Jamie doesn't catch you. He's not so tolerant as I am. [SCENE_BREAK] 3. ONE OF THE PITS (A dark tunnel resembling a coal mine. Polly and Jamie cough as they encounter the pit atmosphere for the first time.) OFFICIA: Hurry up. Put on your equipment. JAMIE: You shouldn't make lasses do the work of men. OFFICIA: The Danger Gang will do as they are told. It's a punishment for their failure to cooperate. MEDOK: We do all the dirty work. We go where the gas is worst. OFFICIA: It's your own fault, Medok. If you obeyed Control... MEDOK: All right. All right. Forget it. I prefer Control poisoning my lungs, to their trying to poison my mind. (An alarm sounds.) POLLY: What's that? MEDOK: It's a gas strike. OFFICIA: Go on! Help with the cable there. Go on. Hurry up. That's the alarm. JAMIE: What does he mean? MEDOK: He means they've struck so much gas, they can't channel it off. When it reaches a certain density, that alarm bell goes. OFFICIA: Hurry up! Get that cable to the strike. MEDOK: Come on. Quickly. (Polly, Jamie, and Medok help other pit workers shift the cable.) OFFICIA: Quickly. Come on. Pull there. Pull, all of you. Pull. Pull. (Polly yelps and collapses.) JAMIE: Polly! OFFICIA: Leave her. Get that cable to the strike. MEDOK: Get her away from here. Away. Jamie, the head of the cable. Got it? Right. Put your masks on. They're in your pocket. Right. Now, help me with this. Hold it. Hold it, Jamie. Right. (Medok and Jamie and the others struggle against the gas pressure. The leak is sealed.) POLLY: What's it all for? MEDOK: It's a poisonous gas which we mine, from the bowels of this planet, which kills us if we breathe it. No one knows what it's used for. [SCENE_BREAK] 4. GAS CENTRE (The Doctor is busy chalking calculations on the wall.) DOCTOR: Yes. Now, one must assume that the relative connection is constant. Now, let me see. Ah! Yes. I think that's right. I should give myself ten out of ten. (He does so. A door opens. The Pilot enters.) DOCTOR: Oh, you did give me a turn. PILOT: Where did you find it? DOCTOR: What? PILOT: The formula. DOCTOR: In my head. You know. PILOT: Don't lie. That is a secret known only to three people in the Colony. DOCTOR: And you're one of them? PILOT: Naturally. And you're not asking me to believe that in a few moments you have been able to work out a formula which it has taken our combined computers years to perfect? DOCTOR: It does seem rather a tall order. (He chuckles to himself.) PILOT: Yes, of course. I know what you've done. You've broken into our secret files, haven't you? DOCTOR: I wouldn't know how to do that. Take a look. PILOT: Well, you must have seen the document. That's the exact computation. DOCTOR: (Pleased with himself.) Really? Huh. In that case... (He alters his mark to eleven out of ten.) PILOT: Do you really mean to say that you worked that out by yourself? DOCTOR: Well, I did have a little assistance. PILOT: Yes, I thought so. Who was it? DOCTOR: Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no. No person. No. I simply mean that I took readings from the various dials. They appeared to be related, so I worked out the principle that controls them. It was simple really. Like doing a sum backwards. PILOT: Backwards? DOCTOR: Yes. You know. Given the answer, what's the question? PILOT: Wipe it away. Get it off there before anybody else sees it. DOCTOR: Oh, well. If you insist. (The Doctor throws a bucket of water at the wall.) DOCTOR: Ho, ho. There now. If anyone follows that formula, there'll be an almighty explosion - x to the power of y is derivative 2 3's of 6! PILOT: Get it off. (The Doctor finishes scrubbing the wall.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5. THE PIT (Other workers are drilling the rock face.) POLLY: What are they doing? MEDOK: We call that probing. POLLY: They're not looking for more gas? MEDOK: Oh, yes. We never stop! JAMIE: There's a door here. Where's it lead to? MEDOK: I've no idea. To my knowledge, those doors were never opened. JAMIE: Could be an old shaft. POLLY: Why would it need such a new door? And so strong? (Officia and Ben arrive to inspect the work.) MEDOK: Hey, look out! OFFICIA: Ah, you've made the connection? MEDOK: Of course. Otherwise you wouldn't be here. OFFICIA: Now, be careful, Medok. There are other places worse than the Danger Gang, you know. (He looks at the rock face.) OFFICIA: This is a high pressure strike. You are going to need a stronger screw than this. MEDOK: Don't touch it. OFFICIA: I know what I'm doing. (A blast of gas catches Officia in the face. He staggers.) POLLY: He's fainted. JAMIE: Aye. He must have. (As Medok plugs the gas leak, Jamie takes Officia's keys.) BEN: What's the matter? What has happened to him? JAMIE: He's had a wee whiff of the gas. BEN: Get him up. I'll look after him. (To Officia.) Yeah. It's all right, mate. Hang on. (Ben helps Officia away.) POLLY: How long do you think Ben was watching us? JAMIE: I don't know. POLLY: Do you think he saw you take the keys? JAMIE: Well, if he did, we're in trouble. POLLY: Yes. JAMIE: It just means we'll have to make use of them quick as we can. POLLY: But where, Jamie. And how? JAMIE: Let's try that wee door first. Come on. (He tries to unlock the door.) JAMIE: Give me the word if anybody comes. POLLY: Right. Lookout, OK. MEDOK: (Further along the tunnel.) Hey, you two, give us a hand. POLLY: Um, all right. (To Jamie.) I'd better go. JAMIE: Just a minute Polly. This key's turning. Oh. POLLY: Good luck. JAMIE: Aye. It fits. Come on, Pol. (Jamie steps through the doorway.) MEDOK: Come on. Here everybody. Lend a hand. [SCENE_BREAK] 6. THE OLD SHAFT (A gloomy tunnel similar to the main pit tunnel. Jamie edges along in the dark.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7. PIT (An alarm sounds.) POLLY: What's that? MEDOK: It's impossible. POLLY: Is it more gas? MEDOK: No. It's an escape. That bell means that someone has escaped down here. POLLY: It's Jamie. MEDOK: Your friend? That door! I'm going with him. POLLY: Hey wait! Don't leave me down here. [SCENE_BREAK] 8. GAS CENTRE (Ben has brought Officia back, he has recovered. They hear the alarm.) OFFICIA: We couldn't have an alarm. It's impossible. No one ever escapes. (To communicator.) Calling Pit Guard. Close exits to all gas shafts. Stand by. A prisoner has escaped. Shoot on sight. DOCTOR: But, if no one can escape... OFFICIA: My keys! My keys! They were on my tunic. BEN: You must have dropped them. OFFICIA: (To communicator.) Special guards to cover all exits to the old shaft. With Pilot's permission, they may have to go on forbidden ground. [SCENE_BREAK] 9. OLD SHAFT (Medok has followed Jamie into the shaft.) MEDOK: Jamie? Jamie? Jamie? Ah! (A claw grabs Medok by the throat.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10. FURTHER ALONG THE OLD SHAFT JAMIE: Hello? Who's there? [SCENE_BREAK] 11. GAS CENTRE (Fanfare.) CONTROL: No permission is granted for the guard to go on forbidden ground. Repeat, no permission. They are not to cover the exit to the old shaft. This is in use at this moment by Control. No one is to go in or near the old shaft. Top priority. (Fanfare.) DOCTOR: They seem very emphatic about that. OFFICIA: Control knows best. DOCTOR: But what if your prisoner escapes that way? What will happen to you? OFFICIA: I shall be punished. DOCTOR: Well, aren't you going to do something about it? OFFICIA: Control knows best. DOCTOR: Who has escaped anyway? OFFICIA: We shall soon find out. (OFFICIA exits.) BEN: It is Jamie. DOCTOR: How do you know that, Ben? BEN: I saw him take the keys. DOCTOR: And you didn't report it? BEN: No. DOCTOR: Why not? BEN: I don't know. I don't seem to be able to think straight. DOCTOR: Ben, you're recovering. I always thought you were a tough customer. Well done! BEN: Control knows best. DOCTOR: You don't seem very sure. BEN: Jamie took those keys. I must report him! [SCENE_BREAK] 12. OLD SHAFT (Jamie doubles back. He finds Medok lying on the floor. Jamie looks around in the gloom and is suddenly face to face with a Macra.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13. GAS CENTRE (Polly enters.) POLLY: Doctor, you know what's happened? DOCTOR: Yes. Jamie's got free. By my calculations he's got a very good chance. Hold that for me, will you? POLLY: What do you mean? DOCTOR: Well, as I understand it, Jamie's in the old shaft. POLLY: Yes. That's right. DOCTOR: And for reasons of their own, Control don't want anyone there. It's forbidden territory. POLLY: So you think he'll be all right? DOCTOR: I don't know. I'll be able to tell you when I've tested this to see how lethal it is. POLLY: But what's that got to do with Jamie? DOCTOR: On this planet it's got a lot to do with everybody. There now. Yes. POLLY: Oh, Doctor. What on earth are you doing? DOCTOR: I'm trying to analyse this gas, and I'm not having very much luck. POLLY: Is that the same stuff that we've been pumping out of the pits? DOCTOR: Yes. And they go to great efforts to get it. The question is why? POLLY: Ssh! Somebody's coming. DOCTOR: Ooh! Mustn't find this. [SCENE_BREAK] 14. PILOT'S OFFICE (Ben is slowly recovering as he waits.) SUNNA: Oh, the Pilot's not here. Let me help you. BEN: No. SUNNA: Always lend a helping hand. A willing friend makes the task lighter. BEN: I'll wait for the Pilot. If I'm going to tell anybody... SUNNA: You are, aren't you? BEN: I don't know what I'm going to do. I got these voices in my head. Sometimes I just think I'm having a bad dream. SUNNA: But the voices are here to help us. They are our friends. BEN: That's it. What about my friends? [SCENE_BREAK] 15. OLD SHAFT (Jamie looks at the inert Macra. He throws a stone at it, but there is no response. Suddenly, the Macra's eyes open.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16. GAS CENTRE (An alarm sounds.) OFFICIA: I'll see you are reported for this. If this were not an emergency... POLLY: The bell stopped. Why has it stopped? OFFICIA: Because, young lady, the emergency is over. POLLY: Does that mean he's been caught? OFFICIA: It means they're closing in on him. [SCENE_BREAK] 17. OLD SHAFT (The Macra is still staring at Jamie.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18. PILOT'S OFFICE (The Pilot has returned.) PILOT: Thank you. But, why didn't you tell this to Officia? BEN: You told me to report back to you. PILOT: I see. Very well. (To intercom.) The stranger who has escaped is in the old shaft. Control will now give instructions. (Fanfare.) CONTROL: All guards will leave the area of the old shaft. No one must go near it, even in search of the stranger. Do not approach its exit or entrance. Do not go in. Officials are to stand by at the gas centre. PILOT: We will obey, Control. [SCENE_BREAK] 19. GAS CENTRE OFFICIA: Gas centre standing by. What transfers do you wish made? CONTROL: Prepare for gas to be diverted into the old shaft. Inspect connection immediately and report back. (Fanfare.) POLLY: The old shaft. Doctor, that's where Jamie is! DOCTOR: They're going to pour this gas in the old shaft - gas they value above all else. What do you make of that, Polly? POLLY: For goodness sake, Doctor. What are you going on about? DOCTOR: Don't you see? Control are not pouring this poisonous gas into the old shaft to kill Jamie. They've quite another reason. [SCENE_BREAK] 20. OLD SHAFT (Jamie and the Macra stare at each other.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21. GAS CENTRE POLLY: Doctor, you've got to do something to help him. DOCTOR: Before we act, we must think. Now, the Macra that have come to the surface of this planet have not found sufficient gas in the atmosphere, so they've had to get somebody to pump it up from down below. POLLY: But, if it's life and death to them, why do they waste it? Why divert it into the old shaft? DOCTOR: That's obvious, Polly. Obvious. Because there's something trapped down there they wish to keep alive. [SCENE_BREAK] 22. OLD SHAFT (Jamie backs away as the Macra slowly moves toward him.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23. GAS CENTRE OFFICIA: Officia reporting. All connections have been tested. They are all one hundred percent serviceable. Transfer of all gases may now be made to the old shaft. (Fanfare.) CONTROL: Stand by for action. MUSIC: The Colony. The Colony is happy to obey. The Colony is happy to obey. POLLY: We've got to help him. DOCTOR: I'm doing my best, Polly. I'm thinking at top speed. There's a pattern involved here - a combination of pipes. If one were to follow this one... (Fanfare.) CONTROL: Stand by gas Officia. All flow is to be channelled through systems seven and eleven. DOCTOR: Seven and eleven. Now which are they? OFFICIA: All channels are ready. CONTROL: Prepare to turn on at half blast. OFFICIA: All ready. CONTROL: Now! [SCENE_BREAK] 24. OLD SHAFT (The gas floods in. Jamie gasps for breath. As the Macra slowly revives, its claws flail. It moves forward.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25. GAS CENTRE DOCTOR: Seven and eleven. If that's the system in use, it must go from here round up to there. CONTROL: Officia is to increase pressure. POLLY: Doctor, quickly. DOCTOR: Polly, I think I've found the gas flow. OFFICIA: (To Control.) The pressure's being increased. [SCENE_BREAK] 26. OLD SHAFT (The gas is at once choking Jamie and reviving the Macra. The Macra advances on Jamie.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27. GAS CENTRE CONTROL: Turn on full pressure now. OFFICIA: Full pressure in action! [SCENE_BREAK] 28. OLD SHAFT (Jamie runs along the shaft away from the Macra. Ahead of him is another Macra. He is cut off.)	Plan: A: the pits; Q: Where are the Doctor, Polly and Jamie sentenced to work? A: Ben's loyalties; Q: What is called into question again after an escape attempt? Summary: The Doctor, Polly and Jamie are sentenced to work in the pits and an escape attempt sees Ben's loyalties called into question again.
Originally written by Alexa Junge. Trascribed by Josh Hodge. NOTE: For this episode, I'm using italics to signify portions contained in the prom video. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is playing foosball by himself, Joey enters] JOEY: Hey. CHANDLER: Hey. Hold on a second. [shoots a goal] Huh? JOEY: Nice, nice. Hey I got somethin' for you. [hands Chandler an envelope. CHANDLER: What's this? JOEY: Eight hundred and twelve bucks. CHANDLER: Well, I don't know what Big Leon told ya but it's an even thousand if you want me for the whole night. What is this for? JOEY: Well, I'm makin money now and this is payin' you back for head shots, electric bills, and so many slices of pizza I can't even count. I love ya man. CHANDLER: Well, thanks man. Now I can get my pony. JOEY: Hey, this is a little extra somethin' for uh, ya know, always bein' there for me. [hands Chandler a jewelry box] CHANDLER: Wow, I don't know what to say. [opens the box and pulls out an incredibly gaudy gold bracelet] Wow, I, I don't know what to say. JOEY: Heh, what d'ya say? CHANDLER: I don't know. It's a bracelet. JOEY: Isn't it? And it's engraved too, check it out. CHANDLER: [reads] To my best bud. [puts it back in the case] Thanks best bud. JOEY: Put it on. CHANDLER: Oh, now? [puts it in his desk drawer] No, no, I think something this nice should be saved for a special occasion. [sets a chair in front of the drawer] JOEY: Oh, no no, that's the beauty part, it goes with everything. [gets the bracelet from the drawer] You put this on, you're good to go. [puts the bracelet on Chandler] Ohhh man, you are so wearin' that bracelet. CHANDLER: I so am. JOEY: You have any idea what this'll do for your s*x life? CHANDLER: Well, it'll probably slow it down at first but, once I get used to the extra weight, I'll be back on track. OPENING TITLES [Scene: A kitchen somewhere. Monica is interviewing for a job] INTERVIEWER: Well, this all looks good. MONICA: Great. INTERVIEWER: And if I want to call for a reference on your last job? MONICA: Oh, that's there on the bottom, see the manager, Chandler Bing. INTERVIEWER: Alright, lets see if you're as good in person as you are on paper. Make me a salad. MONICA: A salad? Really I, I could do something a little more complicated if you like. INTERVIEWER: No, just a salad will be fine. MONICA: You got it. INTERVIEWER: Now, I want you to tell me what you're doing while you're doing it. MONICA: Alright, well I'm tearing the lettuce. INTERVIEWER: Uh-huh. Is it dirty? MONICA: Oh-oh, no no don't worry, I'm gonna wash it. INTERVIEWER: Don't, I like it dirty. MONICA: That's your call. INTERVIEWER: So, uh, what are you going to do next? MONICA: Well, I thought that I would cut up the tomatos. INTERVIEWER: Are they, uh, firm? MONICA: They'r alright. INTERVIEWER: You sure they haven't gone bad? You're sure they're not very, very bad? MONICA: No really, they're OK. INTERVIEWER: You gonna slice them up real nice? MONICA: Actually, I was gonna do them jullienne. INTERVIEWER: Aaaahhhhhhh. MONICA: I'm outa here. [Monica leaves] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting at the couch. Ross is sitting at the table and answers the phone.] ROSS: Y-ello. No, Rachel's not here right now, can I take a message? Alright, and how do we spell Casey, is it like at the bat or and the Sunshine Band? OK, bye-bye. Hey, who's this uh, this Casey? PHOEBE: Oh, some guy she met at the movies. ROSS: Oh really? What uh, what does he want with her? CHANDLER: Well, I'm guessing he wants to do a little dance. . . ya know, make a little love. . . well pretty much get down tonight. ROSS: [puts the message in the cupboard] I don't know, I don't get, I don't get it, I mean, wh, wh, two months ago Rachel and I were like, this close. Right now, what, I'm takin messages from guys she, she meets at the movies? I mean this, this Casey should be takin' down my messages, ya know, or, or, Rachel and I should be together and, and we should get some kind of me, message service. PHOEBE: Hang in there, it's gonna happen. ROSS: Wha, OK, now how do you know that? PHOEBE: Because she's your lobster. CHANDLER: Oh, she's goin' somewhere. PHOEBE: C'mon you guys. It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You know what, you can actually see old lobster couples walkin' around their tank, ya know, holding claws like. . . [Monica enters from bathroom after taking a shower] CHANDLER: Hey, you feelin' better? MONICA: Yeah, I think that fifth shower actually got the interview off me. PHOEBE: So, do you have any other possibilities? MONICA: Oh yeah, well there's the possibility that I won't make rent. ROSS: Monica, if you want, I can lend you some money. MONICA: No no no, if I couldn't pay you back right away then I'd feel guilty and tense every time I saw you. ROSS: Oh OK. Well then why don't you, uhh, why don't you borrow it from mom and dad? You feel guilty and tense around them already. You might as well make some money off of them. CHANDLER: Ya know, the man's got a point. [gestures with his arm and the bracelet falls off] PHOEBE: What is that sparkly thing? CHANDLER: That thing, it's a uhh. . . yeah it's, it's a little flashy. ROSS: No no, no no, it's not flashy, not for a Goodfella. MONICA: Man, man that is sharp. It must have cost you quite a few debloons. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica answers the door and lets her parents in. They are carrying boxes.] MONICA: Hi. MR. GELLER: Hi. MRS. GELLER: Hi darling. MONICA: So, what's this. MR. GELLER: Some of your old stuff. MRS. GELLER: Well sweetie, we have a surprise for you. We're turning your room into a gym. MONICA: Wow, that is a surprise. Just one little question, uh, why not Ross's room? MR. GELLER: Gosh, we talked about that but your brother has so many science trophies and plaques and merit badges, well we didn't want to disturb them. MONICA: Oh, God forbid. [Rachel enters with a laundry basket] MRS. GELLER: Oh, hi Rachel. RACHEL: Hi. MRS. GELLER: Oh, we were so sorry to hear about your parents splitting up, dear. RACHEL: Oh, well, you know, they're just separated so, you know, never know, we'll see. MR. GELLER: Well, I can't say any of us were surprised. Your parents have been unhappy ever since we've known them. Especially after that incident in Hawaii. RACHEL: What, what incident? MR. GELLER: Uhh, naa, no no no, I, I must be thinking of someone else, uh, maybe me. Don't you have some folding to do? Go fold dear. Fold. You fold. [shuffles her into her room] [Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting on couches. A beautiful woman is looking at Chandler.] PHOEBE: Do you want a refill? CHANDLER: No, I'm alright, thanks. PHOEBE: OK. Ooh, OK, you gotta give me a second, I wanna get this just right. [she sticks out her gut, clears her throat and sniffs her nose and then in her best male voice. . .] Dude, 11 o'clock, totally hot babe checkin' you out. That was really good, I think I'm ready for my pen1s now. CHANDLER: [walks over to the woman] I know what you're thinking, Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy's. GAIL: I'm Gail. CHANDLER: Chandler. [waves his arm around, exposing the bracelet] GAIL: I, I really have to be somewhere but it was nice meeting you. CHANDLER: What? [realizes it was the bracelet] Oh this is excellent. You know he coulda gotten me a VCR, he coulda gotten me a set of golf clubs, but no, he has to get me the woman repeller, the eyesore from the Liberace house of crap. PHOEBE: It's not that bad. CHANDLER: Oh, yeah, easy for you to say, you don't have to walk around sporting some reject from the Mr. T collection. [Joey walks in behind Chandler] PHOEBE: Chandler, Chandler. CHANDLER: I pity the fool who puts on my jewelry, I do, I do. I pity the fool that. . . [turns around and sees Joey] Hi. Hey man, we were just doin' some uhh, impressions over here. Do your Marcel Marceau. [Joey turns around and walks out without saying anything] That's actually good. [Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is talking to a man at the counter. Ross and Phoebe are sitting at the couches.] ROSS: Would you look at that guy, I mean how long has he been talking to her. It's like, back off buddy she's a waitress not a geisha. PHOEBE: I think she's OK. ROSS: [Rachel, laughing, puts a hand on the guy's shoulder] Look at that, look at that, see how she's pushing him away and he won't budge. Alright, I'm gonna do something. [walks up in the middle of their conversation] Excuse me, are you Rachel? RACHEL: What? ROSS: I'm Ross Geller. Wha, I'm, God in your add you said you were pretty but wow. RACHEL: What are you, what are you doin'? ROSS: Oh, oh my God, is this the wrong day? I don't believe it, uh, well, hey, I guess if it works out we'll, we'll have something to tell the grandkids. MAN: Sure will. I've uh, gotta go. Take care. ROSS: OK, see ya later, nice meeting you. [man leaves] You're welcome. RACHEL: What? ROSS: I was saving you. RACHEL: Saving, saving, saving me from the pleasant conversation with the interesting man, saving me? ROSS: Oh, see from where I was sitting I uh. . . RACHEL: OK, Ross, listen to me, I am not yours to save. ROSS: But, you are. RACHEL: What? ROSS: Uh, uh, well you're, umm, you're my lobster. RACHEL: OK, you know what, are, are you being like, the blind date guy again? ROSS: No no, you're uh, you're my lobster. See um, lobsters, uhh, in the tank when, when they're old, uhh, they get with, uhh, they walk around holding the claws. In the tank, ya know, with, with the holding and. . . Uhh, Phoebs you wanna help me out with the, the whole lobster thing? PHOEBE: Do the claws again. ROSS: Rach. OK, forget, forget the lobsters OK. We're, let's talk, what about us? RACHEL: Ross, there is no us, OK. ROSS: No, but. . . RACHEL: No, listen to me. I fell for you and I get clobbered. You then fall for me and I again, somehow, get clobbered. I'm tired of being clobbered, ya know, it's, it's just not worth it. ROSS: Well, but, but. . . RACHEL: NO but Ross. We are never gonna happen, OK. Accept that. ROSS: E-except, except that what? RACHEL: No, no, ACC-cept that. ROSS: Oh. [Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is there. Joey enters.] CHANDLER: Hey man, look it's my best bud. How ya doin? [Joey doesn't respond] Wow, you are really gettin' good at that Marcel Marceau thing. Hey, whaddya say uh, we play some ball, you and me, huh, whaddya say? [Throws a basketball to Joey. Joey doesn't move to catch it and the ball takes out a lamp] OK, that's my bad. JOEY: If you hated the bracelet so much, Chandler, you should have just said so. CHANDLER: Well, doesn't the fact that I wore the bracelet even though I hated it say something about our friendship and how much it means to me? JOEY: Well, what about the fact that you insulted the bracelet and you made fun of me? CHANDLER: OK, well that's the part where I'm a wank. But I was hoping we wouldn't focus on that. [Joey goes to his room and shuts the door] Hey, c'mon man, I said I was sorry like a hundred times, I promise I will never take it off my. . . [notices the bracelet is missing from his wrist] wrist. But if, if you want to stay in there and be mad, you know, you just uh, you stay in there. [he starts searching the room, lifting up the couch cushions] JOEY: You know what the. . . [sees Chandler on his knees, holding the couch cushions] CHANDLER: I am here, on my knees, holding up these couch cushions as a symbol of my sorrow and regret, much like they did in biblical times. Though you may haveth anger now. . . [Joey returns to his room] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Mr. and Mrs. Geller are watching tennis on TV, Monica is sitting at the table] MR. GELLER: You know, that Steffi Graf has quite a tush. I'm just saying, it's right there. ROSS: Hey guys. MRS. GELLER: Hi, darling. Where's my grandson, you didn't bring him? ROSS: No, he's at uh, Carol's and Susan's today. MR. GELLER: A woman in my office is a lesiban. I'm just saying. MRS. GELLER: Oh, Jack look, there's that house paint commercial that cracks you up. [the Gellers return to watching TV and Ross goes over to Monica] MONICA: Where have you been? ROSS: Emotional hell. So, did they lend you the money yet? MONICA: No, but that's probably 'cause I haven't asked them yet. ROSS: C'mon Monica, do it. Hey, you guys, um, Monica has some news. MONICA: Um, yeah, so uh, uhh, listen, I'm sorry I didn't tell you this before but umm, I, I'm no longer at my job, I, I had to leave it. MRS. GELLER: Why? MONICA: Because they made me. MRS. GELLER: You were fired? What're you gonna do? MR. GELLER: Judy, Judy, relax, this is our little harmonica we're talking about. We taught her well. Ten percent of your paycheck, where does it go? MONICA and ROSS: In the bank. MR. GELLER: There you go. So she dips into her savings, that's what it's there for. She's gonna be fine, and if you need a little extra, you know where to find it. [pulls a quarter from behind her ear] MONICA: Anything larger back there? [Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Phoebe enter.] CHANDLER: I can't believe it. PHOEBE: Would you stop already? Get out of the bitter barn and play in the hay. CHANDLER: Oh, you're right I, I should play in the hay. Forget about the fact that I just dropped 400 dollars to replace a bracelet that I hated to begin with. Bring on the hay. [sits down at the bar] RACHEL: [comes up from behind the bar and startles Chandler] Hey. I've got something that's gonna make you happy. Guess what Gunther found? [holds up Chandler's bracelet] PHOEBE: Hey now you have two. [Chandler looks annoyed] Oh, now you have two. CHANDLER: What am I gonna do, huh? [Joey walks in behind him] JOEY: Hey. CHANDLER: Hey. JOEY: How come you have two? CHANDLER: Well this one's for you. JOEY: Get out. CHANDLER: No, I can't. No no, listen, I, I know how much this means to you and I also know that this is about more than just jewelry, [puts bracelet on Joey] it's about you and me and the fact that we're [reading bracelet] best buds. JOEY: Wow, is this friendship? I think so. Check it out, we're bracelet buddies. CHANDLER: That's what they'll call us. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Ross are standing in the kitchen. Ross is filling out a check] ROSS: Here you go, you can pay me back whenever you like. MONICA: You have dinosaur checks? ROSS: Yeah, yeah I mean, you get your money and you learn a little something, what's wrong with that? MONICA: Nothin', nothin', hey you're a cheapasaurus. I'm kidding, I'm kidding, thank you, I'm very greatful. PHOEBE: [Standing in living room with Chandler and Joey. She pulls a huge bathing suit out of a box] Hey, Mon, what is this? MONICA: Oh, um, that was my bathing suit from high school. I was uh, a little bigger then. CHANDLER: Oh, I thought that's what they used to cover Connecticut when it rained. JOEY: [pulls out a VCR tape] Hey Monica, what's on this video tape? MONICA: Hey, you got me, put it in. ROSS: [Rachel enters] Oh. RACHEL: Hi. ROSS: Hi. MRS. GELLER: Over here Jack. OK. I see, Rachel's coming up the path. Oh doesn't she look pretty. Jack, get this. [Rachel enters with a huge nose] RACHEL: Oh my God. JOEY: What is with your nose? RACHEL: They had to reduce it because of, of my deviated septum. CHANDLER: OK, I was wrong, that's what they used to cover Connecticut. MONICA: You know what this is, this is us getting ready for the prom. RACHEL: Oh. ROSS: You know what, you guys, we don't have to watch this. ALL: Oh yeah we do. C'mon. MRS. GELLER: Get a shot of Monica. Where's Monica. MONICA: Over here dad. [he pans over and we see a torso taking up the whole screen] MR, GELLER: Wait, how do you zoom out? [zooms out and we see an extremely overweight Monica eating a big sandwich] There she is. JOEY: Some girl ate Monica. MONICA: Shut up, the camera adds ten pounds. CHANDLER: Ahh, so how many cameras are actually on you? MONICA: Oh, you look so great. RACHEL: Ahh, so do you, beautiful. [they hug] MONICA: Oops. RACHEL: What? MONICA: Shoot, I think I got mayonaise on you. RACHEL: Oh, that's OK, it's just the shoulder, it's not my dress. MR. GELLER: Everybody smile. MONICA: Oh, dad, turn it off. MR. GELLER: It is off. MONICA: Dad, it is not. What's with the red light? MR. GELLER: It's the off light. Right Ross? [pans over to see Ross with an afro and moustache] JOEY: Lookin' good Mr. Cotter. ROSS: You look pretty tonight. RACHEL: Oh, thanks. So, uh, what are you gonna do this summer? ROSS: Oh, you know, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna hang out, work on my music. RACHEL: [the shoulders of her dress keep falling off her shoulders] Is my hook unhooked? These things keep falling down, I can't. . . ROSS: Uh, hold, let me see, I don't know. So what're you gonna do. . . [doorbell rings] RACHEL: Oh, the guys are here. ROSS: this summer? CHANDLER: Work on your music? [Ross is sitting on the stairs with a laptop keyboard playing 'Axel-F'] RACHEL: Oh my God, look there's Roy Gublik. MONICA: Ya know, Roy saw Star Wars 317 times. His name was in the paper. RACHEL: Where's Chip, why isn't he here yet? ROY: He'll be here OK, take a chill pill. [Chip pins Monica's corsage on, Monica then turns and whispers to Rachel] MONICA: I just told Rachel that Roy touched my boob. RACHEL: I can't go to my own prom without a date, I can't, it's too late. MONICA: If you're not going then I don't want to go either. ROY: Oh, I'm gonna kick Chip's ass. MRS. GELLER: [to Ross on the stairs] I have a wonderful idea. You should take Rachel to the prom. ROSS: Doubtful. MRS. GELLER: Jack, give me that. Talk to your son. MR. GELLER: Your mother's right. Take her, you can wear my tux. ROSS: Dad, she won't want to go with me. MR. GELLER: Of course she would, you're a college man. ROSS: I don't know. MR. GELLER: Well, c'mon. Don't ya want to find out? RACHEL: I can't believe I don't get to go to my own prom, this is so harsh. ROSS: OK. Hold my board. MR. GELLER: Atta boy. [Ross scrambles upstairs to change] ROSS: OK, you guys, ya know, I think we've seen enough, let's turn it off. ALL: No, no, no. ROSS: OK, fine, well I'm not gonna watch, alright. MR. GELLER: C'mon kid, let's go. MRS. GELLER: Ahh, are you hadsome. MR. GELLER: Let's show 'em. ROSS: Uh, just a sec dad. [to himself] OK, be cool, just be cool. [walks down the stairs and grabs the flowers out of the vase on the endtable] OK dad. MR. GELLER: [going downstairs] Rachel, ready or not, here comes your knight in shining. . . oh no. [Chip has shown up and the four are leaving] RACHEL, MONICA, ROY, and CHIP: Bye. MRS. GELLER: Oh, dear. Jack, how do I turn this off? MR. GELLER: Press the button. MRS. GELLER: Which one? Which button, Jack. MR. GELLER: The button, the button. MONICA: I can't believe you did that. ROSS: Yeah, well. [Rachel, seeing what he did for her, gets up, walks across the room, and kisses Ross] PHOEBE: See, he's her lobster. CLOSING CREDITS [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is watching the rest of the tape] MRS. GELLER: Dance with him. MONICA: Mom, I'm hungry. MRS. GELLER: Dance with your father. MR. GELLER: I may not know any of your flash dances but I'm no slouch on the dance floor. MONICA: Alright. [the tape cuts to Monica's parents under the covers] MRS. GELLER: Oh, Jack. MR. GELLER: Oh, Judy. Oh, Judy. BOTH: Oh, ohhhhh. [Monica is visibly upset]	Plan: A: his big break; Q: What did Joey get with Days of Our Lives? A: an engraved gold bracelet; Q: What did Joey give Chandler that Chandler thought made him look gay? A: Joey's feelings; Q: What is hurt when Joey overhears Chandler complaining about the bracelet? A: an unemployed Monica; Q: Who is hard up for money? A: A home video; Q: What reveals that Monica and Rachel were overweight and had a large nose? A: Rachel's prom night; Q: What home video shows Monica and Rachel's relationship? A: Rachel's date; Q: Who was Chip? A: Ross; Q: Who wore his father's tuxedo to take Rachel to the prom? A: the prom; Q: Where did Ross take Rachel after she was stood up by her date? A: the last minute; Q: When did Chip show up to Rachel's prom? A: Ross' gesture; Q: What did Rachel kiss him for? A: 1997; Q: When did TV Guide rank this episode as #100 of its list of TV's 100 Greatest Episodes? A: TV Guide; Q: What magazine ranked this episode at #100 of its list of TV's 100 Greatest Episodes? A: 4; Q: How many stars did TV Guide give to this episode? Summary: After getting his big break with Days of Our Lives, Joey pays Chandler back with $812 and gives him an engraved gold bracelet that Chandler thinks makes him look gay. Joey's feelings are hurt when he overhears Chandler complaining about it. Also, an unemployed Monica is hard up for money. A home video from Monica and Rachel's prom night reveals that Monica was previously overweight and Rachel had a large nose. Rachel's date, Chip, seemed to have stood her up, so Ross donned his father's tuxedo to take her to the prom, though Chip showed up at the last minute without Rachel knowing what Ross did. Rachel, overwhelmed by Ross' gesture, kisses him. In 1997, TV Guide ranked this episode at #100 of its list of TV's 100 Greatest Episodes. [4]
"THE INVASION" BY DERRICK SHERWIN FROM A STORY BY KIT PEDLER First broadcast - 23rd November 1968 [SCENE_BREAK] 1. CRATE (As the alarm bell sounds throughout the compound, JAMIE crouches down inside the crate he's hiding in.) PACKER: (OOV.) You two, search this one! (And other Guards' voices are heard outside, forcing JAMIE to stifle himself as he feels something beneath him move. The guards' voices recede into the distance and the DOCTOR climbs out of his hiding crate. He opens JAMIE's.) DOCTOR: Jamie... Jamie! JAMIE: Doctor, I think... DOCTOR: Shh... JAMIE: But Doctor... DOCTOR: I think the guard's still out there. (He takes a look about the entrance of the train. JAMIE comes over to join him.) JAMIE: Doctor... DOCTOR: (Hissing.) Keep your voice down! JAMIE: That thing in there... It moved! (The DOCTOR looks at him.) JAMIE: In the crate, there's something alive in there. DOCTOR: Alive? (The DOCTOR looks outside. Not a guard to be seen.) DOCTOR: Jamie, the darkness plays funny tricks with the imagination... JAMIE: Look it moved I tell ya! (The DOCTOR looks harder at him.) DOCTOR: Are you sure? JAMIE: Positive! DOCTOR: All right, let's have a closer look. (As they are about to look inside the crate, they hear a guard's voice outside shouting.) GUARD: (OOV.) You two! Over here! Get those two girls over the Main Administration Building! Move! JAMIE: Zoe and Isobel! (He starts to climb out of the train.) DOCTOR: Wait! We'll follow in a few moments! [SCENE_BREAK] 2. VAUGHN'S OFFICE (PACKER reports to Mr. VAUGHN in his office.) PACKER: The whole compound's under alert, Mr Vaughn. VAUGHN: And? PACKER: Well... um... VAUGHN: You haven't yet found them. PACKER: It's only a matter of time. VAUGHN: Is it? I doubt it, Packer. This Doctor's far too clever a fish for you to net. PACKER: (Upset.) Well, if you'd let me take care of them properly in the first place and obeyed the orders of our allies... VAUGHN: Orders? Me Packer? I told them and I'll tell you. I give orders, not take them. PACKER: You told them that? VAUGHN: The invasion's under my control, and when our purpose has been achieved, I shall still be in control. PACKER: You can't fight them. (An amused look appears on VAUGHN's face.) VAUGHN: Packer. Why do you think I kept that old fool Watkins alive. PACKER: Well, to work on his machine of course. VAUGHN: And why did you think I wanted him to do that? PACKER: Well I... I dunno. VAUGHN: Our allies appear to find the Professor's machine somewhat disturbing. So much so, in fact, that when they saw the prototype, they ordered us to destroy it and all similar machines. PACKER: You mean, they're frightened of it? VAUGHN: Hmm... The teaching power of the machine didn't worry them, but ah...when I generated some emotion pulses... I'm convinced, Packer, that emotion could be used to destroy them. PACKER: But that's only a guess. VAUGHN: A gamble, Packer, a reasonable gamble and, after all, we are playing this game for very high stakes, are we not? PACKER: Well, I think you're taking too big a chance. (VAUGHN comes out from behind his desk and moves towards him.) VAUGHN: Do you wish to be totally converted? Would you prefer to be one of them? Completely inhuman? PACKER: (Shivering.) Ah, no! But... VAUGHN: That's what will happen if "they" take over. We will cease to be human. (Musing.) So...We must use their force and their might, and then... (Makes a throwing away movement.) ...discard them. PACKER: And you're sure that this machine can do it? VAUGHN: Even if we fail, we could escape. The Doctor. We must secure this spacecraft of his. PACKER: (Seeing.) Oh yeah, I see. Insurance. VAUGHN: Exactly, Packer. The two young ladies have arrived, I hope? PACKER: Yes, Sir, they're under guard. VAUGHN: Good. PACKER: They're being taken over to the Main Administration Building now, sir. VAUGHN: When they're safely tucked away, we'll flush out our clever Doctor... [SCENE_BREAK] 3. OUTSIDE (The DOCTOR and JAMIE follow the guards that have ZOE and ISOBEL in their boxes, and they hide when PACKER appears.) PACKER: (To the guards.) Take them inside. Central block. Tenth floor. (The crates are wheeled inside the building, and JAMIE looks up at a whirring noise and sees a helicopter hovering over the compound.) JAMIE: Could be the Brigadier's lot! Call them up for help! DOCTOR: No, no, not yet. We've got to rescue the girls first. Tenth floor, central block. Come on. (They set off across the compound for the central block, hiding in shadows on the way.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4. HELICOPTER (We see a close-up of Captain TURNER in the helicopter, who is reporting in to the BRIGADIER.) TURNER: There's a lot of unusual activity, sir. Guards everywhere. It looks like some sort of emergency. BRIGADIER: (OOV.) Any sign of the Doctor and the boy? TURNER: No sir. None at all. BRIGADIER: Right, Jimmy. Get out of the area and stand by. TURNER: Right, sir. Will do. (TURNER signals to the pilot, and the helicopter pulls back across the IE property line.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5. UNIT HQ (The BRIGADIER, inside his cargo plane HQ, turns to WALTERS, who is manning the communicator.) BRIGADIER: All units please, Sergeant. WALTERS: Yes sir. (He throws some switches on the radio and passes the microphone to the BRIGADIER.) WALTERS: Go ahead, sir. BRIGADIER: (Into the microphone.) This is the Brigadier. All units - stand by. Full penetration of red sector imminent. [SCENE_BREAK] 6. VAUGHN'S OFFICE (However the helicopter has been spotted. PACKER is re-reporting to VAUGHN.) VAUGHN: A helicopter? PACKER: Yes sir, and two of the outer perimeter guardposts reported seeing strangers in the area outside, sir. VAUGHN: I see. PACKER: I think this Doctor's with the UNIT organisation. And what are we gonna do? (VAUGHN thinks about it.) VAUGHN: Nothing. PACKER: (Shocked.) NOTHING! But they... VAUGHN: (Calm.) They can't harm us, Packer. We're in control...or at least I am. Leave this to me. [SCENE_BREAK] 7. OUTSIDE (Outdoors, the alarm continues to blare over JAMIE and the DOCTOR's heads as they find the tall central block building.) DOCTOR: I... I should think that's the central block, wouldn't you, Jamie? JAMIE: How do we find out which room they're in? And when we have, how do we get them out? DOCTOR: Stop looking for problems, Jamie. Let's get along up here, shall we? (They set off for the fire escapes snaking down the central block building. Suddenly, the alarms stop and VAUGHN's amplified voice echoes across the compound and the DOCTOR and JAMIE stop to listen.) VAUGHN: (OOV.) Doctor. If you can hear me, listen. You have ten minutes, Doctor. Ten minutes to relinquish your freedom. At the end of that time, your young friend Zoe will pay the consequences of your foolish and totally pointless opposition. Ten minutes, Doctor, ten minutes. JAMIE: There's not much time. DOCTOR: There's just about time enough to effect a simple rescue operation. Come along, Jamie.. JAMIE: Simple?! DOCTOR: Yes, come along. (He leads the way up the fire escape towards the roof of the building.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8. CELL (Inside a large-windowed room on the tenth floor of the building, ZOE and ISOBEL pound on the locked door.) ISOBEL: Oh, let us out of here, you stupid idiotic... (To ZOE.) Oh why have they brought us here. ZOE: I suppose, because I ruined that stupid computer of theirs. Well, I'm sorry. ISOBEL: But why kidnap us? Why didn't they just turn us over to the police or something? ZOE: I don't know. Anyway, we've got to get out of here. ISOBEL: (Looking down.) We can't get out this way, look! (They both look out of the window.) ISOBEL: It's a sheer drop. (Suddenly, ISOBEL sees JAMIE and the DOCTOR climbing nearby fire escapes on the side of the building.) ISOBEL: Hey, Zoe! Zoe, Look! ZOE: Doctor! Jamie! [SCENE_BREAK] 9. FIRE ESCAPE (JAMIE looks up and spots them.) JAMIE: Doctor, it's them, look! (The DOCTOR spots ZOE and ISOBEL waving.) DOCTOR: Good. As long they don't give the game away too soon. (The DOCTOR motions for ZOE and ISOBEL to move back from the window.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10. CELL ISOBEL: It looked as if they're were trying to tell us something. ZOE: The Doctor wants us to keep away from the window for some reason. ISOBEL: I wonder why? ZOE: Well, I'm not sure. (The DOCTOR and JAMIE continue climbing the building, past the tenth floor. ZOE suddenly realises what's going on, so she tells Isobel.) ZOE: (Whispering.) Just try and act as though nothing has happened. (She motions with her eyes across the room.) ZOE: Don't look now, but we're being spied on. [SCENE_BREAK] 11. UNIT HQ (The BRIGADIER gets a call from the DOCTOR, and he tells him to come in.) BRIGADIER: Yes, Doctor, come in. DOCTOR: (OOV.) Brigadier, I think we shall require a little assistance in a few moments. BRIGADIER: Why? Are you in trouble? DOCTOR: (OOV.) No, but we shall need help. You have a helicopter in the area? BRIGADIER: Yes. DOCTOR: (OOV.) I wonder, have they a rope ladder on board? BRIGADIER: Yes, I'm pretty sure they have. Where are you? DOCTOR: (OOV.) We're just going up to the roof of the main building. That is the central block on the... on the north side. That should give your helicopter cover, should there be any ground fire. Have you got that? BRIGADIER: Yes, I got that. Over and out. [SCENE_BREAK] 12. VAUGHN'S OFFICE (PACKER is issuing orders, using his wrist radio.) PACKER: All right. Keep looking. FIND THEM! (To VAUGHN.) I've got the whole place covered, Mr Vaughn. VAUGHN: Don't worry, Packer. They won't risk any harm coming to their little friends. (He turns on the loudspeakers again, and speaks into the microphone.) VAUGHN: Doctor, you have five minutes. Five minutes. PACKER: They won't give themselves up. They'd be mad to. (VAUGHN comes round from behind his desk, and looks at PACKER with a sneer.) VAUGHN: Not mad Packer, merely human. (Suddenly they hear something outside their window and they go to look.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13. OUTSIDE (The UNIT helicopter approaches the main administration building's north side.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14. VAUGHN'S OFFICE PACKER: It's the same one! The same helicopter. VAUGHN: (Watching the helicopter approach the roof.) Yes. Perhaps they do mean to save their own skins after all. Probably the helicopter's trying to pick them up. (To PACKER.) Stop them! SHOOT IT DOWN IF NECESSARY! PACKER: Yes, sir. (He rushes out.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15. ROOF (The helicopter hovers over the DOCTOR and JAMIE.) JAMIE: (Shouting.) You're not going to leave the "lassies" by themselves are you? DOCTOR: No, no, of course not ... (The helicopter extends a very long rope ladder down to them, and the DOCTOR extends the extra length across the roof, secures the rope on the ledge, and then drops the rest over the side of the building at the right point, so that it lines up nearly with the room ZOE and ISOBEL are in.) DOCTOR: Right, down you go, Jamie! JAMIE: Eh! (At the sound of more alarms, he swallows his fear and starts climbing down the side of the building.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16. CELL ISOBEL: Something must be going on. ZOE: It is a helicopter! (Suddenly they see JAMIE climbing down to them.) ZOE: Hey, look, It's Jamie!! ISOBEL: Oh yes! ZOE: Give me a hand with this to barricade the door. (The girls run over to barricade the door to their room by piling filing cabinets and office furniture in front of the door. JAMIE forces open the window from the outside, but has a little trouble climbing in.) ZOE: Jamie, be careful! (JAMIE enters the room and fully opens the window.) JAMIE: Right, now quick, up you go. ISOBEL: (Taking a look at the rope ladder.) You don't think we're going up that, do you?! JAMIE: Do you want to be left with Vaughn and Packer? Now go on! (ISOBEL climbs up and then ZOE, and JAMIE keeps telling them hard-to-hear instructions such as "not to let go" and "Whatever you do, don't look down either.") [SCENE_BREAK] 17. GROUND (From the ground, PACKER and some guards see the rescue attempt in operation.) PACKER: There he is - fire! (The guards start to open fire at the figures climbing the ladder, now some twelve stories above them. No one comes close to hitting them.) PACKER: Get up there! Stop them! [SCENE_BREAK] 18. ROOF (All four are now on the roof as ZOE and JAMIE climb the last rungs of the ladder.) ISOBEL: Thank goodness that's over. DOCTOR: I'm afraid it isn't quite yet, Isobel. (He points to the ladder leading to the helicopter. Once all are on the roof, the DOCTOR frees up the extra length of ladder and all start climbing the ladder to the helicopter.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19. GROUND (More guards start firing.) PACKER: Come on! Get up there after them! Quickly! [SCENE_BREAK] 20. HELICOPTER (Guards emerge onto the roof and start to fire at the helicopter hovering high above. JAMIE still hasn't gotten into the helicopter when the firing begins.) DOCTOR: Come on, Jamie, hurry up! (To the pilot.) Get us out of here! (To JAMIE.) Hold on, Jamie. (The guards fire everything they've got, including some machine guns, at the departing helicopter and the figure of JAMIE hanging beneath it. JAMIE continues climbing up and finally gets inside the chopper.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21. UNIT AEROPLANE (The BRIGADIER hears shots over the RT.) BRIGADIER: Jimmy! What's happening, Jimmy? Do you want ground support? TURNER: (OOV.) Hello, sir! No, mission accomplished. On our way back now. BRIGADIER: (Happy.) Splendid. No casualties? TURNER: (OOV.) No, sir. All well. Fortunately Vaughn's jackboots couldn't... couldn't shoot a flying elephant. (Laughs are heard from the cockpit.) TURNER: Over and out. (WALTERS flips some switches on the radio - to clear the channel.) BRIGADIER: All units, please, Sergeant. WALTERS: Yes, sir. Go ahead, sir. BRIGADIER: All UNIT groups - Red Alert cancelled. I say again - Red Alert cancelled. Return to base. [SCENE_BREAK] 22. VAUGHN'S OFFICE (A sweaty and upset PACKER is reporting to VAUGHN.) PACKER: That helicopter was one of the UNIT force group. I told you. VAUGHN: (Still calm.) Don't panic Packer. You've blundered again, but fortunately it won't really matter. PACKER: (Still upset.) Matter? There's bound to be an official reaction. VAUGHN: There will be no official reaction. I've told you, we're in command. PACKER: But... (Suddenly VAUGHN starts screaming at PACKER.) VAUGHN: DON'T ARGUE PACKER! JUST DO AS YOU'RE TOLD, MAN! AND FOR ONCE, DO IT RIGHT! PACKER: Yes sir, VAUGHN: (Calmer, but still sounds annoyed.) Now. I want Professor Watkins' Cerebraton machine loaded into my car. We're going back to London. PACKER: Back to London, sir? But... you can't... we... VAUGHN: Due to your clumsiness, Packer, we must now alter our plans. I intend to bring the invasion forward. We have twenty-four hours to prepare for it. PACKER: Twenty-four hours! But they'll never agree to it. The invasion forces aren't anywhere near complete, sir. VAUGHN: (Now back in his calm voice.) They'll be sufficient for our immediate purpose. After the invasion we'll no longer have any need for secrecy. Now you attend to the Professor and... I'll deal with our UNIT friends. Bring Watkins up here to me when you're ready. (PACKER stares at VAUGHN for a moment, before replying.) PACKER: Yes sir. (VAUGHN sits down in his desk and presses the intercom switch.) VAUGHN: Get me the Ministry of Defence and switch it through to my visual circuit. (A SECRETARY appears on his monitor screens.) SECRETARY: (OOV.) Good morning. Ministry of Defence. Can I help you? VAUGHN: (In his usual calm, arrogant tone.) Yes, get me... (He looks up and sees the SECRETARY.) VAUGHN: Ah, good morning. Major General Rutlidge, please. SECRETARY: (OOV.) Just one moment. (The SECRETARY checks something.) SECRETARY: Who is calling, please? VAUGHN: Tobias Vaughn. [SCENE_BREAK] 23. RUTLIDGE'S OFFICE (Major General Bill RUTLIDGE sits at a desk in an ornate office inside the MOD building in London. He is on the telephone.) RUTLIDGE: Fine, sir, fine. We'll meet this evening for dinner then. (He listens to the phone.) RUTLIDGE: What? About eight. Yes, at the club. (He hears a second phone ring.) RUTLIDGE: Good. Fine. Goodbye, sir. (He hangs up the first phone. He picks up the second.) RUTLIDGE: Yes? SECRETARY: (OOV.) Outside call for you, sir. RUTLIDGE: Male or female? SECRETARY: (OOV.) It's a Mr. Tobias Vaughn, sir. (The General suddenly looks worried.) RUTLIDGE: Vaughn? SECRETARY: (OOV.) Yes sir. Shall I put him through? RUTLIDGE: Vaughn? Yes... yes. SECRETARY: (OOV.) Just one moment. (RUTLIDGE thinks for a second.) RUTLIDGE: Operator? SECRETARY: (OOV.) Yes, sir? RUTLIDGE: Priority scramble. SECRETARY: (OOV.) Yes, sir. (There is a whine over the line and then VAUGHN's voice comes through clearly, as does his picture on a video screen.) VAUGHN: (OOV.) Ah, Rutlidge. Can we be overheard? RUTLIDGE: No, no, no. Priority scramble is in operation. VAUGHN: (OOV.) Good. Now listen. Your friends in the UNIT groups has been causing trouble. They must be stopped, understand! RUTLIDGE: I... er... I understand. (His face is confused and glazed over, unsure of himself.) VAUGHN: (OOV.) There must be no more interference. RUTLIDGE: No, no. I'll deal with it. VAUGHN: (OOV, smiling.) Good fellow. Knew I could rely on you. (RUTLIDGE looks around for a moment and says to himself:) RUTLIDGE: I understand. [SCENE_BREAK] 24. UNIT AEROPLANE (Everybody is about the table in the centre of the aeroplane and is drinking tea.) BRIGADIER: You were lucky. Dead lucky. JAMIE: (Looking at the DOCTOR.) He said that it would be a simple rescue operation. Simple. ISOBEL: But what about my uncle? They've still got him prisoner. BRIGADIER: Don't worry, Miss Watkins. As soon we have returned to base, I'm going to raise hell and get some action. JAMIE: You think they'll listen to you now? BRIGADIER: (Seething.) No one, not even Tobias Vaughn, can go as far as trying to shoot down one of my helicopters! ISBOEL: Oh, I wish I'd had my camera. I could have got a fortune for those pictures. TURNER: Yes, it was a pity. (To the BRIGADIER.) That would have clinched it as far as the Ministry are concerned, sir. BRIGADIER: Don't worry, Jimmy. Billy Rutlidge will have to take some action now. (JAMIE notices the DOCTOR in a deep contemplative mood.) JAMIE: Doctor? Hey, Doctor, what's the matter? DOCTOR: Hm... Jamie. That object on the other side of the moon... BRIGADIER: (Overhearing this.) Other side of the... ZOE: Yes. The TARDIS went wrong, you see. And we had a sort of... what Doctor, a forced landing? DOCTOR: Mm... Yeah.. ZOE: And then they fired a missile at us. JIMMY: Who? ZOE: Well, whoever it was who was on that spaceship on the other side of the moon. BRIGADIER: Spaceships? On the other side of the Moon? DOCTOR: And then there was that deep-space radio transmitter. I wonder. TURNER: Look, sir. I know this may sound ridiculous, but could those reported sightings of UFOs have anything to do with this. JAMIE: UFOs? What's that? ISOBEL: Unidentified Flying Objects... Flying saucers? TURNER: But these weren't saucers. All of the sightings were quite clear on that. DOCTOR: Did anyone, by any chance, photograph any of these objects? TURNER: Oh yes, we've got several in the files. Shall I get them? DOCTOR: Oh, if you would be so kind. TURNER: Right. DOCTOR: (Muttering to himself.) Unidentified Flying Objects. [SCENE_BREAK] 25. LABORATORY (WATKINS is brought before VAUGHN who is standing by the door.) WATKINS: What was that shooting going on? If you've harmed Isobel... VAUGHN: (Still calm.) She's perfectly safe, Professor. WATKINS: Why am I being taken back to London? What about my niece? What's happened to Isobel? VAUGHN: I tell you, she's perfectly safe. WATKINS: WELL, I WANT TO SEE HER! VAUGHN: So you shall - when you've finished working on your machine. Do as I ask, and you shall both go free. WATKINS: You don't even expect me to believe you, do you? VAUGHN: Well... you've very little choice. Now, we're going back to London. There you will work on your machine to my specifications. You will have 24 hours to complete it. Only if you hadn't finished your work by that time would you have cause to worry about your niece. PACKER: Got everything you need? WATKINS: (Sadly.) Everything. PACKER: Come on then. Come on. (They leave.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26. UNIT AEROPLANE (The DOCTOR looks over the pictures of cylindrical-shaped, glowing objects in the night skies.) BRIGADIER: Mean anything to you, Doctor? DOCTOR: Possibly. How long ago were these objects first sighted? BRIGADIER: Reports have been drifting in for well over a year now. We sent up fighter planes to investigate, but nothing ever came of it. TURNER: The odd thing about these sightings is that they usually seem to disappear somewhere over south-east England. ISOBEL: But... isn't that where all those factories and laboratories of Vaughn's are? TURNER: Exactly. That's why I brought it up. DOCTOR: Jamie, when you were hiding in that crate, you say something moved? JAMIE: Aye, it was wrapped up in that gauze stuff. DOCTOR: Did you recognise it at all? JAMIE: No. ZOE: What do you think it was, Doctor? DOCTOR: I dunno. We've got to find out, and quickly. ZOE: How? DOCTOR: Well obviously they bring these things, whatever they are, up from the factory in the country to the London premises. That's where we're going to find the answer. JAMIE: (Worried.) You mean, go back to Vaughn's place? BRIGADIER: I don't think that's wise, Doctor. You've been lucky so far. JAMIE: Aye, if you think I'm going back inside there... DOCTOR: Jamie, we have to find what is inside these crates. Brigadier, have you got a map... including the... the London premises? BRIGADIER: Yes, yes I think so. Sergeant Walters! WALTERS: (From the communicator.) Sir?! BRIGADIER: May we have map number 8 please? WALTERS: Yes sir. TURNER: I'll get it, sir. DOCTOR: Thank you. (The table is cleared, and a medium-sized map of London is placed before them. The DOCTOR looks over the map.) DOCTOR: Here we are. (His finger follows the route towards the London IE premises.) BRIGADIER: Now this... this is the whole area in detail - London offices, warehouse area and surrounding buildings. DOCTOR: Oh yes, I see. JAMIE: But Doctor, you can't go back the same way again. They'll be waiting for us this time. (The DOCTOR spots something on the map.) DOCTOR: Oh my word. How very fortunate. BRIGADIER: Anything I can do to help? DOCTOR: Brigadier, you don't, by any chance, know where I can find a canoe? (The BRIGADIER looks a little surprised.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27. CANAL (The DOCTOR and JAMIE are paddling a canoe down a small canal leading into the IE London premises.) JAMIE: You sure this is how we get in? DOCTOR: Yes, yes, now come on! Go on ... (They climb out and beach the canoe, and then walk into a small entrance at the back of the premises. They head off down a corridor.) [SCENE_BREAK] 28. LABORATORY (The DOCTOR and JAMIE enter a bland laboratory in the IE building, and hide behind a piece of equipment. They watch as men in lab coats activate a strange, alien-looking spinning device. across the room stands one of the webbed cocoons JAMIE saw earlier. The DOCTOR stares at the outfit.) DOCTOR: (Whispering.) Jamie, I'm afraid I was right! JAMIE: Hey? (The device emits a low-pitched pulsing sound. It grows in pitch, volume, and frequency, and as the pitch gets louder, a shape inside the cocoon stirs and stirs until finally, something pierces the web from the inside. A metal hand emerges and the cocoon tears. A large man-shaped creature strides out, with metal limbs, piping on its joints, a large complex chest unit, and a blank nose-less face with jug-handle hoses for ears. It is a Cyberman.)	Plan: A: UNIT; Q: Who do The Doctor and Jamie enlist to help them rescue Zoe and Isobel? A: Vaughn; Q: Who is the Doctor trying to find out what he is up to? Summary: The Doctor and Jamie enlist the help of UNIT to rescue Zoe and Isobel before trying to find out what Vaughn is really up to.
EXTERIOR HILLSIDE (NEAR CAMELOT) - DAY 1 Open on a figure, carrying a small backpack, clambering enthusiastically up a steep hillside. It's the last climb of a long journey ... GREAT DRAGON (V.O.): (a deep and sonorous voice)...No young man, no matter how great, can know his destiny. He cannot glimpse his part in the great story that is about to unfold... We continue to follow the figure as he negotiates the final rocks that will lead him to the summit, as yet his face is still unseen ... Like everyone, he must live and learn... The figure nears the brow. Ahead of him, slowly rising into view we see soaring spires and turrets ... And so it will be for the young warlock arriving at the gates of Camelot. A boy that will in time father a legend. His name: Merlin. As his name drifts away on the wind, we see his face. He's an instantly attractive, bright eyed young man with unaffected good looks. We take in his wonder and share his P.O.V as he sets his eyes for the first time on the vast city of Camelot ... EXTERIOR CAMELOT (STREET A) - DAY 1 MERLIN hurries through the city gates. The road is jammed with carts and people pouring into the city. A sea of diverse multi-cultural faces much like any major city now. MERLIN can barely contain his excitement. He pushes his way through the traffic, keen to taste the noisy, colourful world within. EXTERIOR CAMELOT (STREET B) - DAY 1 The city of Camelot stretches out below as MERLIN makes his way along the busy thoroughfare. High on the hill above stands the great citadel of Uther Pendragon. EXTERIOR CAMELOT (MAIN SQUARE) - DAY 1 The sound of whistles, drums etc. An eager and jubilant CROWD is gathered in a large cobblestone square at the heart of Camelot. A trumpet fanfare. MERLIN hurries to join the back of the audience. The crowd fall silent, all that can be heard is the steady beat of a drum. People shift their heads trying to get a look at the spectacle that is about to take place.We see a MAN, his head bowed, being ceremonially led across the square. The drum stops and we hear a voice ... A smiling MERLIN looks up and sees UTHER, the King. A strong, powerful warrior in his early forties standing on a balcony dominating the square. UTHER : Let this serve as a lesson to you all ... (he stares into the faces of the crowd) This man, Thomas James Collins ... MERLIN cranes to find a better viewpoint... UTHER: ...is adjudged guilty of conspiring to use enchantments and magic. MERLIN's expression of excitement pales... UTHER: And pursuant to the Laws of Camelot, these practices are banned by my Royal Command. A murmur amongst the crowd... A figures watches the scene from a narrow window high above the Square. This is MORGANA.She doesn't look happy about what she sees. UTHER : I pride myself as a fair and just King, but for a crime this malevolent ... there is only one sentence I can pass. Take the prisoner forth... A sudden drum roll, the crowd lean forward, straining to get sight of the CONDEMNED MAN. MERLIN clambers up onto a wooden scaffold supporting a grandstand of temporary tiered seating, affording him a better view ... His P.O.V: A brief glimpse of the CONDEMNED MAN and the EXECUTIONER raising his axe, then glancing over at UTHER ... UTHER has his hand raised aloft, he lets it fall ... The EXECUTIONER takes his cue and swings his axe .... Suddenly, the CROWD in front of MERLIN stand up with a roar, obscuring the terrible sight. We register MERLIN's shock. At the window MORGANA flinches, then turns away. She can watch no longer. Immediately, we hear UTHER's voice booming out again over the square and see him standing arms aloft ... UTHER : When I came to this land the Kingdom was in chaos - but we changed all that. (he smiles) With your help the dragons were defeated and magic driven from the realm. So I declare this week a holiday to celebrate ten years of my reign - ten years since the Great Dragon was captured and Camelot freed from the evil practice of sorcery! (he raises a goblet) Let the celebrations begin! But the cheers of approval are immediately interrupted by an old woman, MARY COLLINS. The crowd recoil at the sight of her grotesque and withered face as she pushes her way into the open square, shouting abuse at UTHER... MARY COLLINS: There is only one evil in this land and it is not magic - it is you! Your hatred and your ignorance. GUARDS hurry from the crowd, circling the woman... MARY COLLINS: You took my son and I warn you - before your celebrations are complete, you will share my tears! An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a son for a son! UTHER : (shouting) Guards, seize her! The GUARDS descend on the woman, but she reaches for a pendant from around her neck, holds it aloft and quickly mumbles a spell... A sudden wind whips the dust around her into a vortex; and then, a split second later, both the wind and MARY COLLINS are gone. Only a cloud of dust remains, floating gentlyacross the courtyard on the breeze...The CROWD are aghast. A very worried MERLIN shrinks away fromthe scene... INTERIOR KING'S PALACE (CORRIDOR 1) - DAY 1 MERLIN makes his way through the King's Palace. He stares in wonder at the reparations for the anniversary celebration that are already in full swing, with SERVANTS scurrying hither and thither with food, wine etc. MERLIN reaches the end of the corridor and hesitates, slightly lost. He turns to a GUARD to ask directions ... MERLIN : Where would I find Gaius, the Court Physician? EXTERIOR KING'S PALACE (CORRIDOR 2) - DAY 1 MERLIN makes his way down a narrow corridor deep in the bowels of the castle. In contrast to the earlier regal splendour, it is dark and shabby. He spies a narrow doorway marked "Court Physician".MERLIN approaches the door. It's ajar. He knocks. No reply. MERLIN lingers a moment, slightly apprehensive, then calls inside ... MERLIN : Hello? Finally he decides to push the door open and peer inside... INTERIOR GAIUS' CHAMBERS - DAY 1 A large circular room with a vaulted ceiling. Every nook and cranny is crammed with books, jars, vials, bubbling potions etc. MERLIN peers through the murk and dust - there's no sign of life. He steps gingerly across the threshold. He makes his way through the clutter: the shelves of books and jars seem to go on forever. He calls out ... MERLIN: (tentatively) Hello? No reply. He rounds a corner... Perched on a rickety ladder, high above his head, MERLIN can just make out a shock of silver hair - this is GAIUS, rummaging in the rafters for a book or potion. He seemsoblivious to MERLIN's presence, so MERLIN self-consciously clears his throat - GAIUS spins round in complete fright, topples from his ladder and plummets towards the flagstonesbelow... MERLIN's eyes widen - we hear the sound of his heartbeat pounding ... GAIUS continues to fall, but his descent slows - we're now in MERLIN glances across the room and spies...A pair of large corn sacks resting in the far corner. MERLIN's eyes flare...GAIUS continues his terrifying descent. But just before he hits the flagstones one of the corn sacks flies - at breakneck speed - across the floor. GAIUS lands in a gigantic cloud of dust and corn husks.A beat, GAIUS takes a moment to recover. He sits cradled in the sack staring at MERLIN ... GAIUS: How the ...! He looks toward the far corner and the other sack - there's no way MERLIN could've physically moved it. GAIUS : What did you just do? MERLIN : Uh ... MERLIN looks alarmed, fearing he's given himself away. GAIUS struggles to his feet - unable to contain his amazement. GAIUS: Tell me. MERLIN: I don't know what happened. GAIUS : If anyone had seen that .... MERLIN: It was nothing to do with me. It was ... GAIUS (stern): I know what it was. I want to know where you learnt to do it. MERLIN : Nowhere. GAIUS : Then how is it you know magic? MERLIN doesn't know what to say. GAIUS : Where did you study? MERLIN stares at him - fearing he's in a lot of trouble. MERLIN : Well ... GAIUS (insistent) : Answer me. MERLIN: I've never studied magic or been taught .... GAIUS : You're lying to me, boy; this is important. MERLIN : What am I meant to say? GAIUS : The truth. MERLIN: I was born like this. GAIUS: That's impossible. MERLIN looks awkward. GAIUS stares at him. GAIUS : Who are you? MERLIN (he searches his bag) : I have this letter. He takes out a parchment and hands it to GAIUS. GAIUS examines it ... GAIUS : I don't have my glasses. MERLIN : I'm Merlin. GAIUS : Hunith's son? MERLIN : Yes. A beat. GAIUS: (thrown) But you're not meant to be here 'till Wednesday. MERLIN: It is Wednesday. GAIUS stares at him. A beat. GAIUS: Alright, then ... Well ... put your bag in there. (he indicates a door) MERLIN looks grateful and heads toward the room. MERLIN (a beat - he turns back to Gaius) : You won't say anything ... GAIUS : No. GAIUS looks up at the ladder to where he'd been standing ... GAIUS : Although, Merlin ... MERLIN stops at the door and looks back at GAIUS. GAIUS: I should say 'thank you'. INTERIOR GAIUS' CHAMBERS (MERLIN'S ROOM) - NIGHT 1 A garret room, MERLIN finishes unpacking his things and sits down on his tiny bed - wondering what he should do next... He glances up. Above the bed is a shutter, he opens it to reveal a small window...MERLIN looks out over Camelot at dusk, it's aglow with small flickering torches that twinkle like fairy lights. He gazes down into the busy high street beneath his window - it's full of life, colour and endless possibilities. We can sense MERLIN's excitement and keenness to become involved... INTERIOR GAIUS' CHAMBERS - NIGHT 1 GAIUS sits down to read the letter MERLIN gave him. We hear the voice of HUNITH, Merlin's mother. HUNITH (V.O.) : My dear Gaius, I turn to you for I feel lost and alone, and know not who to trust ... INTERIOR MERLIN'S HOUSE - DAY 0 A simple workman's cottage. HUNITH, a comely woman in her 40's, sits at the foot of a bed. She looks down with tears in her eyes as she watches MERLIN sleeping with his head resting against his backpack. HUNITH (V.O.) : ... Merlin is my only child, to the eye his smiling face is like any other. It is every mother's fate to think her child is special and yet I would give my life that Merlin were not so. Ours is a small village and he is so clearly at odds with people here that if he were to remain I fear what would become of him. INTERIOR GAIUS' CHAMBERS - NIGHT 1 As he finishes reading we can see the increasing concern etched on GAIUS' face. HUNITH (V.O.): In these times, he needs a hand to hold, a voice to guide, someone that might help him find a purpose for his gifts. To this end, I hope and trust, my dear brother, that you will have it in your heart to be that person. I beg you, if you understand a mother's love for her son, keep him safe. And may God save you both. GAIUS puts the letter down and thinks long and hard. What is he to do? INTERIOR/EXTERIOR KING'S PALACE (MORGANA'S CHAMBER/COURTYARD) - NIGHT 1 The empty courtyard, the executioner's block and axe glint in the moonlight. MORGANA looking down over the scene through the open window, a knock at the door. UTHER (O.S) : Morgana? She turns. MORGANA: Yes? UTHER enters. MORGANA looks at him, then moves from the window. UTHER: Why aren't you joining in with the celebrations? MORGANA : I just don't think that chopping someone's head off is a fun way to start a party. That poor mother. UTHER : (a sense of something personal) It is only justice for what he'd done. MORGANA : To whom? UTHER: It is the law of the land. MORGANA : Your law. (lightly) I'd be careful ... UTHER glances at her. MORGANA : The more brutal you are, the more enemies you'll create. UTHER : I don't fear them. MORGANA : Maybe rest of us in danger. UTHER takes this in as MORGANA turns away from the window. EXTERIOR FOREST (TENTED CAMP) - NIGHT 1 A small group of tents stand silent in the moonlight, a couple of guards standing on watch. INTERIOR DAME HELEN'S TENT - NIGHT 1 Inside her tent, DAME HELEN OF MORA sings as she plaits her long hair, preparing herself for bed. Her looks are as beautiful and striking as her voice. Suddenly, the candles lighting the tent flicker... DAME HELEN stops her song, turns and looks toward the entrance. There's a sound outside... a twig breaking under a footstep ... DAME HELEN : Hello? No response. DAME HELEN : Sergeant? A beat and a SOLDIER enters. SERGEANT : Yes, Dame Helen. DAME HELEN : Is all well? SERGEANT : Yes, M'am. With luck we should reach Camelot by tomorrow. DAME HELEN : That's good. DAME HELEN remains uneasy. SERGEANT : I'll be outside if you need me. He leaves. EXTERIOR FOREST (TENTED CAMP) - NIGHT 1 The SERGEANT steps out from the tent. He walks a couple of paces, then stops to listen. Again we hear the sound of twigs breaking under foot... The SERGEANT reaches for his weapon... SERGEANT : Who's there? Another GUARD walks round the side of the tent, going about his duties. The SERGEANT nods at him and heads to his own tent, relieved. INTERIOR DAME HELEN'S TENT - NIGHT 1 DAME HELEN washes her face in some water... She stops... She's heard something. She turns to look... And comes face to face with the hideous, gnarled visage of MARY COLLINS. MARY COLLINS is holding a rudimentary straw doll with a noose around its neck. MARY COLLINS snaps the noose tight ...DAME HELEN's eyes pop and she grabs herself round the neck. She is being magically strangled, she's unable to breathe, unable to scream... MARY COLLINS smiles as she watches DAME HELEN slump to the ground ... A moment, then MARY COLLINS begins to change. Slowly but surely her face transforms into DAME HELEN's. The new DAME HELEN stares down at the dead DAME HELEN, a broad smile crossing the now beautiful face. She tucks in her pendant, the only clue to her real identity. INTERIOR GAIUS' CHAMBERS (MERLIN'S ROOM) - DAY 2 A new day. MERLIN asleep on the narrow uncomfortable bed, a slit of bright sunlight on his face. He opens his eyes, suddenly remembering where he is ... INTERIOR GAIUS' CHAMBERS - DAY 2 MERLIN enters the room, still pulling on his clothes. He stops as he sees GAIUS standing by the kitchen table. Hunith's letter is still sitting on the table, next to it is a plate of food and a pail of water. GAIUS: I got you some water, you didn't have a wash last night. MERLIN : Sorry. GAIUS : Help yourself to breakfast. A hungry MERLIN sees the food and quickly reaches past GAIUS across the table ... Behind his back we see GAIUS deliberately knock the pail from the table ... GAIUS (as if the spilt pail is Merlin's fault) : Merlin! MERLIN reacts, turns and sees the pail falling. He reaches out with his hands, but there's no way he's going to catch it. Instinctively, without thought, he uses his magic ... The bucket and the tumbling water stop their fall and hang suspended above the floor. MERLIN instantly realises what he's done and flashes a look at GAIUS. They lock eyes. We see MERLIN's panic ... The bucket suddenly crashes to the floor, spilling its contents everywhere. GAIUS steps back to avoid the splash. MERLIN hurries to clear it up. MERLIN : It was my fault. GAIUS: How did you do that? MERLIN looks at him. GAIUS: Tell me. I want to know. Did you incant a spell in your mind? MERLIN: I don't... GAIUS : So what... MERLIN shrugs. GAIUS: There must be something. MERLIN : It just happens. I can't control it. GAIUS stares at him, totally bemused by his powers. MERLIN continues to clear up. Finally, he looks at GAIUS. MERLIN : What are you going to do? GAIUS: It's not me you need to worry about. (sighs) But for a start you can help me out till I find you some paid work ... GAIUS picks up a handful of remedies ... GAIUS: Here. Hollyhock and Feverfew for Lady Percival; and this is for Sir Owain ... (he hands him a phial)He's blind as a weevil. Tell him not to take all of it at once. MERLIN: Ok. GAIUS: Here ... (he hands him some sweetmeat) He gives MERLIN a fatherly smile. GAIUS: Off you go. MERLIN smiles and prepares to set off, a spring in his step, keen to get out into the city. GAIUS watches him, his concern once again apparent. As MERLIN gets to the door, GAIUS stops him ... GAIUS: And Merlin ... MERLIN looks at him ... GAIUS: I don't need to tell you, but the practising of any form of enchantments will get you killed - D'you understand that? MERLIN nods. INTERIOR KING'S PALACE (THRONE ROOM) - DAY 2 UTHER waits for DAME HELEN to arrive. MORGANA stands nearby with GWEN, her maidservant. As DAME HELEN enters, MORGANA turns to GWEN. MORGANA (whispering) : Have you ever heard Dame Helen sing? GWEN shakes her head. GWEN: They say it's like having your ears kissed by Cupid. MORGANA smiles. MORGANA : Sounds good ... Though I can't say I'm familiar with that experience. GWEN (embarrassed): Oh, no. Nor I am. DAME HELEN reaches the throne. UTHER rises to greet her. UTHER : Dame Helen. Thank you so much for coming to sing at our celebrations. DAME HELEN: The pleasure is all mine. UTHER: How was your journey? DAME HELEN: Oh, the time it took, sire. UTHER (he kisses her hand) : I know, but it's always worth the wait. She touches the pendant under her clothing. For a moment her eyes flash with anger as she stares at UTHER, although he doesn't see it. DAME HELEN: I hope so. (she smiles) MORGANA rolls her eyes - not enjoying watching the crinklies flirt. Reveal MERLIN watching the scene from the doorway. A guard spies him and starts to head over. MERLIN ducks back through the door and continues on his way. INTERIOR KING'S PALACE (CORRIDOR 2) - DAY 2 MERLIN hurries down a corridor and knocks on a small door. A man opens it. He squints at MERLIN. MERLIN: (holding out bottle) I brought you your medicine. The man tries to take it but can't see a thing. MERLIN places it in his hand. MERLIN : Gaius said don't take it all... He stops as he sees the man down the medicine in one. MERLIN: I'm sure it's fine... MERLIN hurries away. EXTERIOR KING'S PALACE (COURTYARD) - DAY 2 As MERLIN returns home, feeling pleased with himself and in no hurry to get back. He crosses a courtyard and sees a YOUNG LAD chastising his manservant, THOMAS, in front of a small group of MATES (including GALAHAD and GAWAINE) who are preparing to practise their combat skills ... YOUNG LAD (a smile on his face): Where's the target? THOMAS (slightly confused): There, sir. (he points at it) YOUNG LAD: It's into the sun. The MAN SERVANT looks up into the sky. THOMAS: Well ... It's not that bright. YOUNG LAD: Bit like you, then. His friends laugh. MERLIN smiles, it all seems good natured. THOMAS (trying to excuse himself): Well, you've got to be able to fight in all weathers, sir. YOUNG LAD: And what would you know about fighting. THOMAS: I'll put the target down the other end, shall I, sir. He quickly runs off to the target and picks it up ... YOUNG LAD (spying the moving target - smiling): This will teach him. ANGLE on the MAN SERVANT carrying the target. Suddenly, a dagger hits the bull with a thud. THOMAS reacts ... THOMAS: Hey! Hang on! Laughter from the MATES. YOUNG LAD: Don't stop... THOMAS resumes walking and places the target in the shade. THOMAS: Here? YOUNG LAD: I told you to keep moving. THOMAS glances at him with an uncomprehending look and then quickly ducks as the target is hit by another dagger ... More laughter. MERLIN smile has gone, he looks awkward. His disapproval is mirrored by GWEN, watching from the windows above the courtyard. YOUNG LAD (insistent): Come on , we want some moving target practice. THOMAS picks up the target again and slowly, nervously starts to walk. He takes cover as it's hit by another dagger ... YOUNG LAD: Run! THOMAS starts to run. A series of daggers strike the target and, in his anxiety to escape, the poor man stumbles. The target goes cartwheeling across the courtyard and lands at MERLIN's feet ...The gang laugh ... YOUNG LAD: Come on, pick it up again. The gang re-arm ...THOMAS nervously bends to retrieve the target, but MERLIN places a foot on it - preventing him from lifting it. YOUNG LAD: Hurry up. THOMAS looks up at MERLIN. MERLIN (turning to the YOUNG LAD with a smile): Hey ... Come on, that's enough. The YOUNG LAD looks at him - clearly taking offence at MERLIN's interference. YOUNG LAD (wanting him to repeat it): What? He swaggers toward MERLIN ... THOMAS (to MERLIN - not wanting any trouble): It's alright. MERLIN (refusing to relinquish the target): No. The YOUNG LAD comes face to face with MERLIN. They're about the same age, but MERLIN is a few sizes smaller. He looks a little nervous - but holds his ground. MERLIN: You've had your fun, my friend. YOUNG LAD: Do I know you? MERLIN: I'm Merlin. YOUNG LAD: So I don't know you. MERLIN: No. YOUNG LAD: But you called me "friend". A beat. An awkward silence amongst the crowd. MERLIN can see everyone looking at him. MERLIN: That was my mistake. YOUNG LAD: I think so. MERLIN: Yeah ... I'd never have a friend who could be such an arse. He smiles and turns away. His audacity draws a few laughs from the back of the crowd. We see GWEN is clearly impressed by MERLIN's intervention. YOUNG LAD: Or I, one who could be so stupid. He places his hand on the hilt of his sword. MERLIN sees the CROWD step back. He turns and looks at the YOUNG LAD, suddenly sensing the danger he's got himself into. YOUNG LAD (a smile): Tell me, Merlin, d'you know how to walk on your knees? Laughter. MERLIN: No. YOUNG LAD: Well, I suggest you learn. MERLIN holds a smile on his face - but displays a look of contempt. There's no way he's getting on his knees for this idiot. YOUNG LAD (an arrogant smile): D'you want me to help you? MERLIN's face hardens - MERLIN: I wouldn't if I were you. YOUNG LAD: Why, what are you going to do to me? MERLIN: You've no idea ... YOUNG LAD: Be my guest. He towers menacingly over MERLIN. MERLIN takes a nervous step backward ... YOUNG LAD: Come on, then... MERLIN sees the YOUNG LAD and his MATES bearing down on him. Suddenly, he is in MERLIN TIME... EVERYTHING SLOWS, MERLIN looks at the gang, their ugly gloating faces grinning at him, we hear his heart pounding ... He turns his focus onto the YOUNG LAD. His eyes narrow... MERLIN, realising what he's doing, suddenly breaks the spell and steps back... YOUNG LAD: Oh, is that it? The crowd laugh. MERLIN, humiliated, spins round and aims a punch at him, but the YOUNG LAD swiftly parries, grabs MERLIN'S arm and twists it up behind his back. YOUNG LAD: I'll have you thrown in jail for that. MERLIN: Who d'you think you are - the king! YOUNG LAD: No, I'm his son - Arthur. MERLIN, realising the young lad's identity, swallows hard. YOUNG LAD: On your knees. He kicks MERLIN on the back of his legs, MERLIN crumples to his knees and, before he can backtrack, he's surrounded by a group of SOLDIERS and bundled to the ground. EXTERIOR CAMELOT - DAY 3 Dawn. The sun is crowning the castle walls, the mist lifting into the sky - giving the castle an eerie, unearthly quality ... INTERIOR KING'S PALACE (DUNGEONS) - DAY 3 Morning. MERLIN deep in the bowels of the castle, languishing in a filthy cell. He lies on the floor, asleep.Suddenly, he hears a voice and wakes with a start ... The voice is coming from somewhere deep beneath him, calling him, the earth trembles: 'Merlin'. MERLIN jumps to his feet and retreats across the cell staring at the ground in shock... The earth calls to him once more: 'Merlin'. It's a voice we might recognise from the opening. MERLIN bends toward the ground and nervously places his ear to the floor ... The voice again:'Merlin'. Only this time it's loud and right behind him... GAIUS: Are you a complete idiot? GAIUS is standing in the doorway. He's furious ... GAIUS: The one thing someone like you should do is keep your head down, and what do you do? MERLIN: I'm sorry. GAIUS: You're lucky. I've pulled a few strings to get you released. MERLIN (delighted): Oh thank you, thank you. I won't forget this. GAIUS: Ah, well...(a beat) There is a small price to pay. EXTERIOR CAMELOT (STREET B) - DAY 3 MERLIN's head in the stocks. A large rotten tomato skims his face. He looks up at GAIUS ungratefully ... MERLIN: Thanks. A gang of eager CHILDREN arrive armed with sacks of rotten veg. MERLIN: Oh, Charlemagne! Everything imaginable is hurled at MERLIN ... As MERLIN takes his punishment, we see GWEN looking onsympathetically. She grimaces, feeling each shot as it hits poor MERLIN. The CHILDREN finally run out of ammo and head off. MERLIN's face is dripping with rancid pulp, he opens his eyes to find GWEN gently wiping his face clean.GWEN gives him a lovely smile, clearly smitten ... MERLIN smiles grimly back at her. GWEN: I'm Gwenhwyfer. But most people call me Gwen. MERLIN: Right. I'm Merlin... MERLIN halfheartedly waggles a hand in the stocks - offering her a handshake. GWEN responds and sweetly shakes it. MERLIN: Although most people call me "idiot". GWEN: No, I saw what you did. It was so brave. MERLIN (dismayed): It was stupid... GWEN: Well, I'm glad you walked away, you weren't going to beat him. MERLIN: Oh, I could beat him. GWEN (impressed): Yeah? You think? Because you don't look like one of those big muscly fellows ... MERLIN: Thanks. GWEN: No... I'm sure you're stronger than you look ... MERLIN glances at her ... GWEN: It's just Arthur's one of those real rough tough save the world kind of men and, well ... MERLIN gives her another glance. MERLIN: What? GWEN: You don't look like that. MERLIN: I'm in disguise. GWEN (she smiles): Well, it was great you stood up to him. MERLIN: You think so? GWEN: Arthur's a bully. And everyone thought you were a real hero. MERLIN: Oh yeah? Excuse me ...(he waves her aside) My fans are waiting. Another barrage of rotten apples hits the stocks. EXTERIOR CAMELOT - DAY 3 UTHER stands on the battlements showing off his kingdom to DAME HELEN. UTHER: Maybe one day I'll build a new palace here - Fit for a Queen. He looks at DAME HELEN. DAME HELEN (she smiles): What Queen would not be happy here? It's already so perfect. UTHER: No, I want it gone, to start anew. DAME HELEN looks intrigued. He sees her. UTHER: There are too many ghosts here. (a beat) I've been at war for so much of my life. And yet these bricks, these walls will live on far longer than my deeds. Have I built a Camelot that will stand as a testimony to my reign; a legacy that will be remembered? (a beat) What kind of King am I? DAME HELEN: A very attractive one. UTHER (he smiles): Do I have the love of my people? DAME HELEN: I can only speak for subjects. UTHER (his smile spreading): What favours would you have me bestow on you? DAME HELEN laughs and moves away. He pursues her one of your. UTHER: I warn you I am ruthless ...I do not let anything stand in my way. DAME HELEN: I know that. UTHER: And I will not be denied. They laugh. INTERIOR GAIUS' CHAMBERS - DAY 3 GAIUS is preparing food, he glances up as MERLIN enters from his bedroom. He's washed and changed. MERLIN sits at the table and looks at the food. GAIUS: D'you want some vegetables with that? MERLIN glances at him. GAIUS smiles and joins him. MERLIN (he doesn't eat): I know you're still angry with me. GAIUS: Your mother asked me to look after you. MERLIN: Yes. GAIUS: What d'you think she would have said? MERLIN absorbs this. GAIUS watches MERLIN eat for a moment. GAIUS: What did she say to you about your gifts? MERLIN (he shrugs): That I was 'special'. GAIUS: You are special. The like of which I've never seen before. MERLIN: Why? GAIUS: You promise me that you have not been taught. MERLIN: Never. GAIUS: This is beyond any human power. MERLIN: I don't understand. GAIUS: There was a time, when the dragons still walked the land, when magic was practiced freely, but it required incantations, spells...These had to be learnt from books. It took years of study; believe me, you have no idea. MERLIN takes in the wall of books beside him. MERLIN: Did you ever practice magic? GAIUS (evading the question): You don't understand. What I saw you do ... It was remarkable. Elemental. Instinctive. MERLIN: But what's the point if it can't be used? GAIUS: I don't know.(a beat) You're a question that has never been posed before, Merlin. MERLIN stares at him, slightly daunted by this. GAIUS (changing the subject): Now, I've got another errand for you to run. There's a preparation for Dame Helen, she needs it for her voice. INTERIOR KING'S PALACE (CORRIDOR 3) - DAY 3 MERLIN arrives at Dame Helen's chambers. He knocks. There's no reply. He slowly pushes the door ajar and peers inside ... The room appears empty. Unsure what to do, MERLIN slips inside.... INTERIOR KING'S PALACE (DAME HELEN'S CHAMBER) - DAY 3 MERLIN crosses toward the dressing table, the room is sumptuous. Despite his promise to stay out of trouble, MERLIN can't resist having a little look around. INTERIOR KING'S PALACE (CORRIDOR 3) - DAY 3 DAME HELEN approaching down the corridor, she has a faint smile on her face following her encounter with Uther. INTERIOR KING'S PALACE (DAME HELEN'S CHAMBER) - DAY 3 MERLIN sees an old book hidden beneath a goblet and some items on the dressing table. Intrigued, MERLIN takes it out, careful not to disrupt anything ... He studies the book's mysterious cover ... and slowly opens it. Suddenly, he hears a noise outside ... MERLIN rushes to return the book. In his panic he knocks over a jewellery box and the goblet. He scrambles to put them back into place. He turns to face DAME HELEN. He doesn't see the reflection she casts in the goblet - for a split second we glimpse thehideous face of MARY COLLINS. DAME HELEN (quiet and menacing): What're you doing in here? MERLIN: I was asked to deliver this. He picks up the pouch of medication and hands it to DAME HELEN. He beats a hasty retreat. INTERIOR KING'S PALACE (CORRIDOR 3) - DAY 3 MERLIN shuts the door behind him and hurries away feeling a little uneasy ... EXTERIOR CAMELOT (STREET B) - DAY 3 MERLIN hurrying from the Keep and entering the busy thoroughfare. Suddenly, he sees ARTHUR and his ENTOURAGE heading toward him. They look at each other, MERLIN can't avoid him ... They come face to face, MERLIN tries to keep walking. ARTHUR blocks his path ... ARTHUR (smiling): How's your knee walking coming along? MERLIN keeps going. ARTHUR: Ah, don't run away. MERLIN (disparaging): From you? MERLIN turns on him ... MERLIN: I've told you, you're an arse - I just didn't know you were a Royal one. A few GUARDS react... MERLIN: What you going to do - get your dad's men to protect you? ARTHUR (smiling): I could take you apart with one blow. He puckers his lips and blows ...MERLIN stares at him. There's no going back ... MERLIN: I could take you apart with less than that. ARTHUR: Are you sure? ARTHUR smiles and he tears off his top. MERLIN looks at him - he's ripped like 50 Cent. MERLIN swallows hard ... He removes his own top - it's not quite so impressive. ARTHUR: Here you go, big man. ARTHUR takes a pair of evil looking maces from the GUARDS and throws one to MERLIN. MERLIN fumbles it. The gathering CROWD laugh, further angering MERLIN. The two lads square up for a fight. ARTHUR smiles, confident that he's going to give MERLIN a whipping ... ARTHUR: Come on, then. ARTHUR begins expertly twirling the mace round his body at high speed - like some ninja martial art expert. It's a frightening display and the CROWD roar their approval. Finally, ARTHUR brings the mace to a halt ... ARTHUR (a smile): I warn you I've been trained to kill since birth. MERLIN: Wow - and how long have you been training to be a bully? ARTHUR (forced to smile at his audacity): You can't address me like that. MERLIN: Sorry - how long have you been training to be a bully, my Lord? ARTHUR reacts and suddenly arcs a high sweeping blow at MERLIN ... MERLIN ducks and comes up wide eyed ... INTERIOR GAIUS' CHAMBERS - DAY 3 GAIUS is up a ladder. He hears a roar from outside in the street. He climbs down to see what the disturbance is. INTERIOR KING'S PALACE (CORRIDOR 2) - DAY 3 GAIUS comes out of his chambers and walks over to a window. He looks out into the high street and we see his horror as below him... EXTERIOR CAMELOT (STREET B) - DAY 3 MERLIN and ARTHUR are going at it hammer and tongs... To the CROWD'S amusement, MERLIN is inept; all he can do is duck, parry and retreat along the busy street - he's clearly no fighter. As ARTHUR's blows rain down, MERLIN suddenly crashes into a fruit stall. MERLIN falls backwards, sending the produce flying ... He looks up. ARTHUR appears to have him at his mercy, he raises his arm about to apply the MERLIN Oh ... Charlemagne! We hear MERLIN's heart beating and we're in MERLIN TIME... MERLIN's eyes flare and he looks up at an awning billowing in the wind above ARTHUR's head. We see the structure move ... ARTHUR arcs a blow toward MERLIN, the mace catches the awning and is ripped from his hand... ARTHUR reacts with surprise, reaches up into the awning to retrieve his mace... MERLIN takes his chance, rolls away and gets to his feet. ARTHUR quickly grabs his mace and turns to MERLIN once more... He's about to unleash another deadly blow. The sound of MERLIN's heart and, once again, time slows... As ARTHUR steps toward him, MERLIN's eyes rest upon an upended wooden fruit box, his eyes blaze ... coup de grace ... The box tilts at a 45 degree angle, we see ARTHUR's foot land on the edge of the box, levering the top of the box toward his leg ... The box whacks ARTHUR in the shin. He lets out a painful yell ... It's MERLIN'S turn to smile. ARTHUR responds angrily and lunges with another blow ... MERLIN's eyes gleam ... A nearby ROPE snaps taut. ARTHUR trips over it and crashes to the floor, losing his mace. The CROWD laugh. MERLIN's grin intensifies - we are in no doubt that the rope was his work ... ARTHUR gets up with a smile - he can see the funny side. He reaches for his weapon, but MERLIN swings his own mace. Without a weapon to defend himself, it's ARTHUR's turn to retreat... ARTHUR makes several lunges for the mace, but MERLIN drives him back - enjoying the upper-hand. MERLIN: D'you want to give up? ARTHUR, displaying his own natural speed of thought, grabs the bellows from the ironmonger's stall. He aims it at the furnace and slaps the handles together - sending a blast of burning embers into the air. MERLIN jumps back as the spray of sparks hit him ... ARTHUR: I told you I'd take you apart with just one blow. ARTHUR snatches up the ironmonger's hammer and aims it at MERLIN. MERLIN steps back, but collides with a wooden post. He ducks, the hammer embeds itself in the post. MERLINstares at the hammer, we hear his heart beating ... ARTHUR tries to withdraw the hammer from the wood - he can't. MERLIN and ARTHUR stare at each other. ARTHUR uses all his might to try to release the hammer, but it seems to be held by magic - which of course it is. The CROWD give an audible intake of breath as MERLIN aims a blow at the defenceless ARTHUR, sweeping his feet from under him ... ARTHUR hits the ground and, in the space he's vacated, MERLIN suddenly comes face to face with GAIUS watching on the sidelines. MERLIN sees the angry expression on GAIUS' face. He knows he has to stop using magic. ARTHUR recovers, gets up and throws himself at MERLIN;disarming him in the process... Now MERLIN is defenceless, he looks at ARTHUR armed with his mace, then looks at GAIUS - what's he going to do now? ARTHUR takes a swing, MERLIN's face is gripped with panic... MERLIN lets out a yell as he is struck in the midrift. He doubles up, winded by the blow. ARTHUR stands over him... ARTHUR: There's something about you, Merlin - I can't quite put my finger on it. We see ARTHUR lift his fist and swing a punch INTERIOR GAIUS' CHAMBERS - DAY 3 MERLIN enters, a look of wounded pride on his face. GAIUS follows him into the room, closes the door and rounds on him ... GAIUS: How could you be so foolish .... Using magic like that will get you killed. MERLIN: He needed to be taught a lesson. GAIUS: You're the one who needs to learn. Magic must be studied, mastered, and used for good. Not for idiotic pranks. MERLIN: What is there to master? I could move objects like that before I could talk. GAIUS: Then by now you should be able to control yourself. MERLIN: I don't want to. If I can't use magic, what have I got? I'm just a 'nobody' - and always will be. If I can't use magic, then I might as well die. Upset, he heads off into his own room. GAIUS watches him go. He sighs - he wasn't cut out to be a surrogate parent... INTERIOR GAIUS' CHAMBERS (MERLIN'S ROOM) - DAY 3 MERLIN is lying on his bed. He sees GAIUS enter, carrying ointments and bandages. GAIUS: Merlin ... But MERLIN is still angry ... MERLIN: Why isn't there anyone who can help me? GAIUS stares at him - unprepared for this. GAIUS: Come here... He takes hold of his face, sits down beside MERLIN and starts treating his wounds. MERLIN: You don't know why I was born like this, do you? GAIUS(unsure how to answer): No. MERLIN: I'm not a monster, am I ... He searches GAIUS's eyes... GAIUS looks at MERLIN's pained expression. GAIUS: Don't ever think that. MERLIN: Then why am I like this? Please. I need to know - Why? GAIUS has no answer. GAIUS: Perhaps someone with more knowledge than me ... MERLIN: If you can't tell me, then no one can. GAIUS feels this. GAIUS: Answers aren't like that. They don't sit there on shelves getting dusty waiting for you to come along. I believe there is an answer. But it may well arise out of events that we cannot yet know. You must be patient. MERLIN looks at him. GAIUS (he hands him a remedy): Take some of this. It will help with the pain. EXTERIOR CAMELOT - NIGHT 3 The spires and turrets of Camelot silhouetted against a full moon. INTERIOR GAIUS' CHAMBERS (MERLIN'S ROOM) - NIGHT 3 MERLIN asleep on his bed, his bed suddenly begins to vibrate with the sound of a deep voice that emanates from beneath the floor ... GREAT DRAGON (V.O.): Merlin! MERLIN wakes with a start, unsure if he's in a dream ... GREAT DRAGON (V.O.): Merlin! He sits bolt upright and listens. Nothing, silence, then the faint noise of something outside the door... [SCENE_BREAK] INTERIOR GAIUS' CHAMBERS - NIGHT 3 A candle burning late into the night. GAIUS is sat at the table surrounded by books, squinting through his rudimentary spectacles. As he reads, he becomes aware of MERLIN standing at the door to his bedroom. GAIUS: Have you come back to shout at me again? He smiles. MERLIN: No. (a beat - unsure whether to say) Did you hear a noise? GAIUS: No. MERLIN: A voice...? GAIUS (he looks at him - a smile): Probably the effects of the sedative I gave you. MERLIN sits down at the table. MERLIN: Why did Uther ban magic? GAIUS: Magic corrupts, Merlin. You're too young to know - there was a time when people used magic for the wrong ends. It destroyed the natural order. It brought about chaos on earth. In the end, Uther put an end to it. He made it his mission to destroy everything from that time - even the dragons. MERLIN: Why? GAIUS: They knew too much. And Uther feared them. So he had them slaughtered. MERLIN (appalled): What - all of them? GAIUS: Well ... There was one dragon he chose not to kill, but to keep as an example. He imprisoned it in a cave deep beneath the castle... MERLIN (a realisation): Beneath the dungeon. GAIUS: Where no one can free it. But MERLIN'S hardly listening. A penny is dropping in hismind. INTERIOR KING'S PALACE (CORRIDOR 5) - NIGHT 3 MERLIN sneaks through the empty castle, fearing discovery at every turn ... He hears the sound of the GREAT DRAGON calling him on ... GREAT DRAGON (O.S.): Merlin! INTERIOR KING'S PALACE (DUNGEONS) - NIGHT 3 A few sleeping PRISONERS and TWO GUARDS playing dice - very much awake. We see MERLIN peering through a door at them ... A beat, MERLIN scans the dungeons until he spies a cave entrance in a disused section beyond the guards and away from the cells ... He looks at the GUARDS, they're focused on their game, but there is still no way to get past them. A look of irritation passes across MERLIN's face, then we see a familiar look of concentration take hold ... A GUARD throws the dice, they bounce off the table and keep rolling. The GUARD gets up to retrieve them ... But the dice keep rolling. Every time he bends and stretches for them they elude his grasp ... Until finally, he reaches the far end of the dungeon (awayfrom the cave entrance). He grabs for a die and finds it's lodged between two cobblestones, he can't move it ... The other GUARD reacts ... GUARD: What're you doing? He goes over to help his colleague, they both struggle to release the die ... MERLIN waits till their backs are turned and then makes a dash for the cave and slips inside ... INTERIOR KING'S PALACE (CAVERN) - NIGHT 3 A long winding tunnel falling away at a steep angle. MERLIN descends into the darkness, unsure what he's going to find... Suddenly, magically, an old rushlight on the wall flares into life. MERLIN looks surprised - it's clearly not of his doing. One by one, a series of torches burst into flame lighting the path ahead and leading him on... MERLIN quickens his step. The tunnel gets narrower and narrower until MERLIN is virtually bent double. Finally, MERLIN turns a corner and is faced with his own reflection glistening in a strange, black convex mirror ... He hears laughter. He looks around, trying to locate the source of the disembodied voice ... MERLIN: Where are you? GREAT DRAGON: I'm here. The black mirror suddenly recedes and we realise it is a huge eyeball ... It disappears, leaving a large gaping chasm. MERLIN cautiously takes a step forward and stares into the void ... Ghosts of smoke hanging in the air ... MERLIN controls his fear and leans out through the hole... We see a vast natural cavern and there, at the foot, is the GREAT DRAGON, some fifteen or twenty meters long. GREAT DRAGON (amused): How small you are ... The dragon's P.O.V: The tiny figure of MERLIN standing on a narrow lip of rock. GREAT DRAGON: For such a great destiny. MERLIN: Why? What d'you mean? The dragon chortles ... MERLIN: What destiny? GREAT DRAGON: Your 'gift', Merlin, was given to you for a reason. MERLIN: So there The dragon smiles. GREAT DRAGON: Arthur is the once and future king who will unite the land of Albion. MERLIN: I don't see what that has to do with me. GREAT DRAGON: Everything. Without you, Arthur will never succeed. Without you, there will be no Albion. MERLIN: No ... No, you've got this wrong. GREAT DRAGON: There is no right or wrong. Only what is and what isn't. MERLIN: I'm serious ... If anyone wants to kill him they can go ahead. In fact, I'll give them a hand. GREAT DRAGON (amused): None of us choose our destiny, Merlin ... (then with a hint of sadness) And none of us can escape it. MERLIN: No, no way, there must be some other Arthur, because this one's a moron. GREAT DRAGON: Perhaps it's your destiny to change that. Suddenly, the dragon raises its massive wings and soars into the air...MERLIN watches in a amazement as the giant beast circles in the darkness of the cavern and comes to rest on a ledge far above him... MERLIN: Wait! I need to know more... But his words are lost in the vast expanse ... EXTERIOR CAMELOT - DAY 4 Bright sunshine beats down on Camelot - the sun has risen and it's the start of a new day. INTERIOR GAIUS' CHAMBERS (MERLIN'S ROOM) - DAY 4 MERLIN is asleep, exhausted by the revelations of the previous night. GAIUS enters. The place is a mess, clothes everywhere, a typical teenager's room. GAIUS: Have you seen the state of this room? MERLIN (bleary eyed): It just happens. GAIUS: By magic? MERLIN: Yeah. GAIUS: Well, you can clear it up without using magic. (a beat) Then I need you to collect some fresh herbs and deliver this to Morgana. (he passes him a phial) MERLIN looks at it. GAIUS: It's a sleeping draught. The poor girl's having nightmares. MERLIN: I know the feeling. INTERIOR KING'S PALACE (CORRIDOR 6) - DAY 4 MERLIN makes his way through the castle... Finally he arrives at MORGANA's chambers. The door is ajar. He knocks, there's no answer. He pushes the door open, steps into the anteroom ... INTERIOR KING'S PALACE (MORGANA'S CHAMBER) - DAY 4 As he enters the inner chamber he sees MORGANA trying out adress in the mirror. MERLIN's heart skips a beat, spellbound by her sheer beauty. She is about the same age as MERLIN, but her obvious sophistication makes her seem slightly older. MORGANA'S so intent on her own reflection that she doesn't notice MERLIN staring, slack-jawed, right behind her. Before he can say anything, she slips behind a screen and starts to change. MORGANA (O.S.): You know I've been thinking about Arthur... MERLIN's captivated by her silhouette... MORGANA: I wouldn't touch him with a lance pole. Pass me that dress, will you? MERLIN knows he can't afford to get into trouble - but knows if he lets on he's there, MORGANA will think he's been spying on her. He sees the dress on the far side of the room, he quickly throws it onto the top of the screen ... MORGANA: I mean the man is a total jouster - Just because I'm the king's ward ... MERLIN tries to tiptoe away ... MORGANA: That doesn't mean I have to accompany him to the dance, does it? She doesn't get a reply ... MORGANA: Well, does it? MERLIN stops and is forced to respond... MERLIN (high pitched): Un-uh. MORGANA: If he wants me to, then he should invite me. And he hasn't. So d'you know what that means? MERLIN (high pitched): Un-uh. MORGANA: Where are you? Just as she looks up over the top of the screen, MERLIN dashes to hide beneath it ... MERLIN (high pitched): Here. MORGANA: It means I'm going by myself. MERLIN looks toward the open door, there's no chance of him reaching it ... MORGANA: I need some help with the fastening. On MERLIN's face... MORGANA: Gwen? GWEN (O.S.): I'm here. A startled MERLIN looks up to see GWEN. She presses her finger to her lips, takes the potion from MERLIN and deftly slides behind the screen to help her mistress. MORGANA's none the wiser ... MORGANA: So, it's whether I wear this little tease ... GWEN turns MORGANA away and gives MERLIN a smile. A relieved MERLIN quickly scarpers... MORGANA: Or I hit them with something a little more ... Medieval. She twirls round holding a fabulous jewel encrusted black number tight to her body. GWEN just stares at her in awe. EXTERIOR FOREST (LAKE) - DAY 4 The stark shapes of thorny trees, mist wreathing the ground. MERLIN begins picking herbs and flowers for Gaius. As he moves through the trees, we catch sight of a lake nearby... MERLIN nears the sound of a woman singing ... MERLIN peeks through the trees, straining for a view of the singer... He catches sight of a figure - DAME HELEN, bathing in the water. MERLIN can't resist stepping closer to get a better look ... The song intensifies as he approaches the water... But as MERLIN reaches the lake, the song stops. Silence. MERLIN's P.O.V: The water rippling on the surface of the empty lake. There's no one in sight. MERLIN looks slightly puzzled, then starts to head back in the direction of Camelot... Suddenly, he hears a noise behind him. He spins round and finds himself face to face with the grotesque face of MARY COLLINS reflected in the lake. MERLIN jumps back, his heart stops. He looks around, all about him tall rocks. He looks at the way ahead, he senses someone is there. A beat. Slowly, nervously, he starts edging his way backwards, the way he came. As he moves we feel something behind him, a shadow... Suddenly, MERLIN turns and pulls back in alarm. DAME HELEN is barring his way. DAME HELEN: Are you spying on me? MERLIN: No. (nervous) I was picking herbs. A moment. MERLIN quickly scrambles away - clearly unsettled by what he's seen... He hurries back to the path and glances back over his shoulder... DAME HELEN has gone. INTERIOR GAIUS' CHAMBERS - NIGHT 4 An impatient GAIUS has his best robes on and is dressed and ready to go to the party. MERLIN strolls in, he's still preoccupied with what happened by the river. GAIUS: Where've you been? I need you to get ready for the banquet. I've got you a job serving, remember. MERLIN: Alright. He heads for his room, then turns ... GAIUS: Don't stand there. Get changed. MERLIN: I've just seen Dame Helen. You don't think ... GAIUS: What? MERLIN (thinking better of it): No. He enters his room, still not hurrying, he picks up a fresh tunic ... GAIUS: Will you please hurry up. MERLIN: You don't think there's something strange about her? GAIUS: Stop thinking and get yourself out of the door. He leaves. A beat, and then MERLIN follows. INTERIOR KING'S PALACE (GREAT HALL) - NIGHT 4 A grand setting, lavish furnishings on a long rectangular table. It's clear we're a long way from the Round Table of Arthurian legend. MERLIN and GAIUS come in and MERLIN sees the Prince messing around with his mates - it's the first time he's set eyes on ARTHUR since learning his destiny. It can't really be his fate to protect this man! The group are larking around and we can see MERLIN's disdain ... Suddenly, ARTHUR and his group stop in their tracks ... ARTHUR: God have mercy! MERLIN turns to see what they are looking at ... It's the arrival of MORGANA, she looks stunning - she smiles, fully aware that the prince is staring at her..MERLIN is dumbfounded, slack-jawed ... GAIUS (O.S.) (abrupt): Merlin! MERLIN can hardly turn his eyes away to look at GAIUS. GAIUS: Remember - you're here to work. MERLIN picks up a tray of drinks, but he can't take his eyes off MORGANA. He doesn't notice GWEN smiling at him... GWEN: She looks great, doesn't she? MERLIN: Yeah. GWEN: Some people are just born to be queen. MERLIN (devastated): No? GWEN: I hope so. One day. MERLIN looks at her. GWEN: Not that I'd want to be her - who'd want to marry Arthur? She starts handing out drinks. MERLIN (a smile): Oh, come on, Gwen, I thought you liked those "real rough tough save the world kind of men". GWEN: No, I like much more ordinary men, like you. MERLIN: Gwen, believe me, I am not ordinary. GWEN (flustered): I didn't mean you. But just, you know, I like very ordinary men, like you. MERLIN: Thanks. Reveal DAME HELEN with her eyes trained on ARTHUR ... GWEN: you! Obviously, not ARTHUR and MORGANA take their seats opposite one another. They smile... ARTHUR (lying): Oh, I didn't see you arrive, Morgana. MORGANA: Oh, and I didn't notice you were here or I would've come over, Arthur. ARTHUR: I've got to say - that is an absolutely gorgeous dress. MORGANA looks at him ... ARTHUR: Have you seen it? The woman just behind you, she looks fantastic. MORGANA (smiling): Yes, I saw her earlier, she was with that really handsome man. ARTHUR: Not your type. MORGANA: You don't know my type. ARTHUR: Yes, I do. The ones you have to chase. MORGANA (she picks up a chicken drumstick): No, I like the ones who have to beg. She looks down at a large hound sitting eagerly hoping for some scraps. She teases it with the drumstick and then delights in stuffing the chicken leg in her mouth. The dog tilts its head and whimpers. Music as MERLIN and GWEN clear the pewter plates from the top table. MERLIN has the humiliating task of removing ARTHUR's dirty platter. ARTHUR sees him and deliberately makes MERLIN wait while he savours his last few bites of food. We see MERLIN's face... The music is interrupted as the MASTER OF CEREMONIES takes to the floor .. MASTER OF CEREMONIES: Your Royal Highness, my Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen. Here she is, the one and only Dame Helen of Mora... Applause. UTHER smiles, adoringly. DAME HELEN appears and waves to the crowd. MERLIN turns to watch. DAME HELEN: Thank you for your kind introduction. I'd like to start with something a little bit different... The DIVA starts to sing. ARTHUR and the rest of the audience are instantly gripped by her voice. The hauntingly beautiful notes drift through the torch-lit hall. As the music grows louder, the room starts to decay before our very eyes. The colour drains from the faces of the banqueters, cobwebs start to weave over the arms and legs of the guests as the fruit on the tables starts to rot (think David Attenborough on the forest floor). As the watchers are gripped by the paralysing decreptitude, DAME HELEN begins to stride towards her target: ARTHUR. The decay creeps across the room, overtaking all in it's path. As cobwebs start to creep up MERLIN's legs, he realises what is happening... He stuffs his fingers in his ears, trying to block out the enchanted song. Still singing, DAME HELEN advances on a defenceless ARTHUR, who stares glassy-eyed ahead, white as a ghost. But one thing in the huge room still stirs. MERLIN still has his fingers in his ears and hasn't succumbed to the enchantment. As DAME HELEN passes he glimpses her reflection in a silver chalice. The grotesque face of MARY COLLINS stares back at him. MERLIN closes his eyes, he doesn't want her to see that he's still awake. High above the hall a giant wooden chandelier holds a ring of burning candles. MERLIN'S eyes flash open and suddenly we're in MERLIN TIME - one of the flickering flames starts to bend as if blown by an invisible wind. It blows the flame closer and closer to the rope that holds the chandelier. DAME HELEN has nearly reached ARTHUR. She puts her hand in her robes and pulls out an evil-looking knife. MERLIN stares at the chandelier. We can hear his heart beating. The rope starts to smoulder. Then it bursts into flames. The DIVA is about to plunge the dagger into ARTHUR'S heart... The rope breaks and the chandelier starts to fall - in agonising MERLIN TIME - towards the DIVA below... Just before she delivers the fatal blow, the chandelier slams into DAME HELEN, knocking the knife from her hand and pinning her to the ground. The instant the singing stops, the creeping decay is reversed. The cobwebs retreat, the fruit becomes fresh once again and the people's faces return to vibrant life. UTHER'S one of the first to regain his senses, he sweeps away the cobwebs ... UTHER (he sees the giant chandelier and the DIVA'S crumpled body): In God's name, what's happened here? Cautiously ARTHUR steps forward. He lifts DAME HELEN'S cloak, then starts back in horror as he sees MARY COLLINS' hideous face. Suddenly, MARY COLLINS eyes flash open. With her last breath she mutters a final spell. We see a statue behind ARTHUR start to topple... MERLIN reacts instinctively - his eyes flare and we're in MERLIN TIME. As the statue plummets towards ARTHUR, MERLIN leaps on him, bringing him to the ground just as the statue crashes down, missing them by millimetres. The CROWD cheer MERLIN for pushing ARTHUR out of harm's way. Amongst the cheering crowd we see UTHER. He's clearly shocked by the turn of events and DAME HELEN's metamorphosis. MORGANA turns to him ... MORGANA (whispers): I warned you... UTHER looks at her ... ARTHUR and MERLIN get up from the floor together. Both men equally shocked by what's happened. MORGANA: He saved Arthur's life. A debt must be repaid. She looks at UTHER... MERLIN (delighted - but trying to appear modest): No, honestly...you don't have to your highness. MORGANA: Oh, absolutely, this merits something quite special. MERLIN (conceding): Well... UTHER (snapping, angry): Yes, you will be rewarded with a job for life. MERLIN looks delighted. UTHER: The job of Arthur's manservant. The crowd cheer. MERLIN's face falls. So does ARTHUR's. ARTHUR (complaining): Father! UTHER (lashing out at Arthur): At least he can recognise a witch when he sees one. UTHER stalks out of the hall. MERLIN and ARTHUR look gutted. Only THOMAS, ARTHUR's former man servant, looks delighted - he gives MERLIN a big thumbs up. THOMAS: Nice one, bruv. All MERLIN can manage is a weak smile. INTERIOR GAIUS' CHAMBERS (MERLIN'S ROOM) - NIGHT 4 A bewildered MERLIN alone in his room - reflecting on everything that's happened. There's a knock at the door. MERLIN looks up as GAIUS enters. GAIUS: Seems you're a hero. MERLIN: Hard to believe, isn't it. GAIUS: No. (a beat) I knew it from the moment I met you ... MERLIN: Yeah, right. GAIUS: You saved my life, remember. MERLIN: But... that was magic. GAIUS (he smiles): And now it seems we've finally found a use for it. MERLIN : What d'you mean? GAIUS: I saw how you saved Arthur's life. MERLIN : No. GAIUS : Perhaps that's its purpose. MERLIN : Please, I hope not. GAIUS hands him a small parcel ... GAIUS : There you go. He turns and leaves. Intrigued, MERLIN opens the cover. It's a book. He opens the covers, the pages are filled with incantations and ancient runes. MERLIN stares at it in astonishment, then gets up from his bed and crosses to the door. GAIUS looks up from his work - the hint of smile on his face. GAIUS: I was given that book at your age, but I've a feeling it will be more use to you than it was to me. MERLIN (gratefully): I will study every word. There's a loud knock at the door and we hear a GUARD's gruff voice... GUARD (V.O.) : Merlin! The Prince wants you right away! GAIUS smiles at MERLIN. GAIUS : I'm not sure you'll have the time.	Plan: A: The teenaged warlock; Q: Who is Merlin? A: Camelot; Q: Where is Merlin sent to live? A: the court physician Gaius; Q: Who takes care of Merlin? A: the King, Uther Pendragon; Q: Who banned sorcery? A: death; Q: What punishment did the King ban sorcery on? A: the condemned man's mother; Q: Who is the hideous old woman who vows revenge? A: a son; Q: What does the sorceress vow revenge for? A: a low profile; Q: What does Merlin realize he must keep? A: the Great Dragon; Q: Who tells Merlin he must protect Arthur until he becomes king? A: Albion; Q: What does the Great Dragon want Arthur to unite? A: an obnoxious bully; Q: What does Merlin think of Arthur? A: a spell; Q: What does the disguised mother of the sorcerer cast on the guests at a feast? A: a defenseless Arthur; Q: Who does the disguised mother of the sorcerer attempt to stab? A: Arthur's life; Q: What does Merlin save? A: Arthur's manservant; Q: What position does Merlin get after saving Arthur? Summary: The teenaged warlock Merlin is sent by his mother to lead an anonymous life in Camelot, under the care of the court physician Gaius. On his arrival, he sees the execution of a man accused of sorcery as the King, Uther Pendragon, has banned sorcery on pain of death. A hideous old woman, the condemned man's mother and a sorceress, vows revenge ("A son for a son!") before vanishing. Merlin realizes he must keep a low profile. He then discovers the Great Dragon, who tells him that he must protect Arthur until he becomes king and guide him to unite Albion. Merlin disagrees, seeing Arthur as an obnoxious bully. At a feast, the disguised mother of the sorcerer casts a spell on the guests and attempts to stab a defenseless Arthur. Merlin interferes, saving Arthur's life, and is rewarded with a position as Arthur's manservant.
THE ANDROIDS OF TARA BY: DAVID FISHER Part Two Running time: 24:27 [SCENE_BREAK] FARRAH: Wake up! DOCTOR: So much for the local wine. FARRAH: Wake up, you traitor! DOCTOR: What? FARRAH: Traitor! DOCTOR: What? FARRAH: I want you to be totally conscious when I kill you. DOCTOR: Haven't you got anything better to do? FARRAH: There's only one thing preventing me from running you through right now. DOCTOR: What's that? FARRAH: Where is he? DOCTOR: I don't know what you're talking about. ZADEK: That's enough, Farrah. Doctor, the Prince has gone. DOCTOR: What? Where? ZADEK: Vanished. He's been kidnapped. DOCTOR: By whom? FARRAH: Your master, Count Grendel, of course! DOCTOR: But I don't even know who Count Grendel is! ZADEK: I'm inclined to believe you, Doctor. FARRAH: But Swordmaster ZADEK: Why should he remain when the Prince has been taken? It doesn't make sense. DOCTOR: Well at least he didn't take the android. ZADEK: They took the real Prince. What use is the copy? DOCTOR: Well, that depends on what you're going to do. ZADEK: What honour demands. DOCTOR: And what's that? ZADEK: Farrah and I will take our swords and do battle with the Count's men. DOCTOR: What? What, just the two of you? FARRAH: A swordsman does not fear death if he dies with honour. DOCTOR: Then he's an idiot. Listen, let me see if I understand this. In order to be crowned King, the Prince must present himself in the Coronation room at a specific time, right? ZADEK: Correct. DOCTOR: Then you've got no problem. Excuse me. DOCTOR: You take it to the Coronation room and get it crowned. FARRAH: Crown an android King of Tara? Never! DOCTOR: Would you rather crown Count Grendel of Gracht? FARRAH: But an android. It's unthinkable. ZADEK: In any case, Grendel's men will see that we don't get into the Coronation room. DOCTOR: Well, I don't suppose the King was going to walk in through the front door, was he? ZADEK: He had a plan. DOCTOR: Ah. What? ZADEK: There is a secret passage. DOCTOR: Aha, I thought there might be something like that. How secret? Would Grendel know about it? ZADEK: I hope not. DOCTOR: So do I. Right, now listen. I'll do some more work on George, you get him to the Coronation room, get him crowned, and while he's ruling the country you two can find the real Prince. I mean, that's worth a try, isn't it? ZADEK: Doctor, I see only two objections to your plan. DOCTOR: Only two? ZADEK: What if the android breaks down? DOCTOR: Ah, well, I can't guarantee you anything, but if I had the proper tools ZADEK: Second problem, security. DOCTOR: Security? But only the three of us need even know of George's existence. ZADEK: Precisely. Farrah I can trust. DOCTOR: And by the time George is King, I'll be light years away. ZADEK: No, Doctor. You'll be with the android at all times. DOCTOR: Now look here, Zadek. I've got better things to do than meddle in the politics of your piffling little planet. DOCTOR: On the other hand, I could be with the android at all times. [SCENE_BREAK] FARRAH: What are you doing? DOCTOR: Calling my dog. FARRAH: I don't see any dog. DOCTOR: Well, of course not. He hasn't arrived yet. [SCENE_BREAK] K9: Master. [SCENE_BREAK] ZADEK: Doctor? You've checked the android? DOCTOR: Well, as far as I can without the proper tools. ZADEK: Everything is functioning correctly? DOCTOR: No. His micro-circuitry's not perfect and his power packs need a boost. ZADEK: I have great confidence in you, Doctor. DOCTOR: I'm deeply touched. ZADEK: But remember, either Farrah or myself will be with you at all times. Don't let us down. DOCTOR: Don't draw that sword. K9: You called, master? ZADEK: What is that thing? DOCTOR: That thing? That's my dog. ZADEK: But it's a machine. DOCTOR: Well, so is your Prince. DOCTOR: Don't draw that sword! DOCTOR: K9? K9? DOCTOR: Look, I don't like to say I told you so, but I told you so. Do put it away, quickly. K9, where's Romana? K9: She has not yet returned, master. DOCTOR: What? Where is she? K9: Insufficient data to formulate a reply. She's not within range of my sensors. DOCTOR: But she was only meant to be gone an hour. ZADEK: You've lost someone? DOCTOR: Yes, my assistant. She was looking for something. ZADEK: What? DOCTOR: Oh, nothing important. ZADEK: Where was she last seen? DOCTOR: Where you picked me up yesterday. FARRAH: Which way was she going? DOCTOR: Up the hill. FARRAH: Towards Count Grendel's lands. ZADEK: I'm afraid, Doctor, that it sounds as though she might have fallen into the hands of the Count. [SCENE_BREAK] GRENDEL: So, the lovely lady wakes. ROMANA: How long have I been unconscious? GRENDEL: Twelve hours, my dear. I trust you slept well. Release her. ROMANA: Twelve hours? Oh, no. GRENDEL: Why, what's the matter, my dear? ROMANA: Look, why don't you just let me go? I've no money and I'm not worth ransoming. Why did you bring me here? GRENDEL: Do you think I'm a common bandit? ROMANA: I'm not even Taran. What possible use can I be to you? GRENDEL: I'll show you. Help her down. GRENDEL: Come with me. I want you to see something. [SCENE_BREAK] GRENDEL: And how is our guest? GUARD: She's well, my lord. GRENDEL: Good. Let's see for ourselves. GRENDEL: Take a look, my dear. ROMANA: Oh! It's incredible! GRENDEL: Yes, the resemblance is extraordinary, isn't it? ROMANA: Is it an android? GRENDEL: Good heavens, no, my dear. That's the Princess Strella. First Lady of Tara, a descendant of the Royal House, Mistress of the domains of Thorvald, Mortgarde and Freya. In fact, Tara's most eligible spinster, shortly to become, in rapid succession, my fiancée, my bride, and then deceased. Yes, it will be a tragic accident. A flower blighted in its prime. And naturally, as her husband, I shall claim her estates and her position as second in line to the throne, as provided for under Taran law. ROMANA: I see. But since you've already got a princess, what do you need me for? GRENDEL: Well, the Princess does not entirely agree with my plan. ROMANA: I can't say I'm wildly surprised. GRENDEL: In fact, she quite refuses to cooperate. ROMANA: Good for her. But I still don't see what all this has got to do with me. GRENDEL: Don't you, my dear? I should have thought that was obvious. If she goes on refusing, I can marry you instead in front of the great assembly of the nobles of Tara, who won't know the difference. ROMANA: What happens if I refuse, too? GRENDEL: Oh, but you won't. Aren't I a lucky man to have two such beautiful women as my bride? ROMANA: Apparently your staff doesn't agree. GRENDEL: She's prejudiced, my dear, just because I once showed her a certain courtesy. That's the trouble with peasants these days. They don't know their place any more. Open! [SCENE_BREAK] REYNART: Why don't you kill me, Grendel, and get it over with. GRENDEL: Never rush your pleasures, my dear Reynart. Besides, I've brought someone to see you. Meet his Royal Highness, Prince Reynart, first in line to the throne of Tara. REYNART: Strella! ROMANA: No, I'm not Strella. I just look like her. My name's Romana. GRENDEL: You see, my dear Reynart, when I play for high stakes I like to hold all the cards. ROMANA: You won't be holding this one much longer. He's ill. He's running a fever. GRENDEL: That's why we brought him a permanent nurse for his bedside. Hold her, Kurster. Lamia. REYNART: Let her go! GRENDEL: Don't be so tediously heroic, my dear fellow. Not too tight, Lamia. We don't want to choke her. LAMIA: She is secure, my lord. GRENDEL: Good. GRENDEL: You know, my dear Reynart, you ought to thank me. REYNART: For what? GRENDEL: For what? For finding you such a charming nurse. There. Take good care of our royal guest, my dear. Watch them, Kurster. KURSTER: Yes, my lord. GRENDEL: And now, my friend, I must go to your coronation. It's a pity you will miss it. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Where is Count Grendel's castle? ZADEK: About eight leagues from here. DOCTOR: Eight leagues. ZADEK: You're not thinking of going there alone? DOCTOR: Well, where else might he have taken her if not there? ZADEK: To Tara itself. He will want to make sure that no one else claims the throne. DOCTOR: Right. K9, you take the castle. I'll go to Tara with George. FARRAH: You're going to help us then? DOCTOR: Well, of course. Anyway, we need Zadek to get us into the palace, right? ZADEK: Correct, Doctor. DOCTOR: K9, off you go. Find out if Romana's there and report straight back to me. Come on, off you go. FARRAH: Doctor? DOCTOR: What? FARRAH: Is he a good hunting dog? DOCTOR: Oh, well, if she's there, he'll find her. [SCENE_BREAK] FARRAH: There's not a lot of time left. ZADEK: We're almost there. Wait here. I'll go ahead and scout. DOCTOR: Good. FARRAH: Be careful, Swordmaster. He's not as young as he used to be. DOCTOR: Who is. FARRAH: Are you all right, sir? How do you feel? (no reply) I can't talk to androids. Is he all right? DOCTOR: Yes, I think so. FARRAH: He's not talking. DOCTOR: Well, I've switched off his communication mechanism to conserve power. FARRAH: He'll have to make a speech at his coronation. DOCTOR: Don't worry, he'll make a speech. Don't worry. It won't be a long one, but he'll make a speech. FARRAH: I don't know what it is about androids. I know it's silly. You know what I mean. DOCTOR: Funny thing, some androids feel like that about humans. ZADEK: I have found the place. Come. [SCENE_BREAK] ZADEK: It's one of Grendel's men. FARRAH: I'll deal with him. DOCTOR: Will he recover? FARRAH: In a few hours. DOCTOR: Good. DOCTOR: It fires electronic bolts. How very quaint. FARRAH: It's a peasant's weapon. ZADEK: Come, there's no time to lose. [SCENE_BREAK] LAMIA: That's curious. LAMIA: That's very odd. [SCENE_BREAK] K9: Mistress? [SCENE_BREAK] REYNART: So you're a friend of the Doctor? ROMANA: Yes. Don't worry, he'll get us out of here. REYNART: Huh. How? No one's ever escaped from the dungeons of Castle Gracht. Ow. How is it? Not good, eh? ROMANA: Look, don't try and talk. Just conserve your strength. REYNART: For what? I can't swim the moat with this, let alone take on the guard. ROMANA: The Doctor'll find a way. REYNART: Soon, I hope. I'd like to try and avoid giving Grendel the pleasure of dying in one of his foul dungeons. REYNART: Peasants! How dare you lay hands on a lady. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: What were these tunnels built for? ZADEK: They were plague tunnels built about two hundred years ago to allow the royal court to move in and out of the palace without having to pass through the contaminated city. DOCTOR: Ah. ZADEK: The great plague wiped out nine tenths of the population. FARRAH: That's when the survivors started using androids to replace the people. DOCTOR: I see. Very far yet? ZADEK: Quite a way, I fear. [SCENE_BREAK] KURSTER: You're relieved of your post. Go. KURSTER: Take up your place. Come on. GRENDEL: Well? KURSTER: Everything is ready, my lord. GRENDEL: The peasants are prepared? KURSTER: I have my men dressed as peasants, my lord. As soon as it is announced that the Prince has not appeared for the coronation, there will be a spontaneous demonstration of love and loyalty to the House of Gracht. GRENDEL: I think I shall reject the crown once. Rejecting it twice might be misconstrued. Besides, I'm not sure I can trust the Archimandrite to offer it to me a third time. ARCHIMANDRITE: The hour approaches, Count Grendel. GRENDEL: It does indeed, your Eminence. ARCHIMANDRITE: Where is the Prince? GRENDEL: No doubt he will be here, your Eminence. ARCHIMANDRITE: If he misses the appointed hour of his coronation, we must choose another king. That is the law. GRENDEL: I know. ARCHIMANDRITE: It is possible we may choose you. GRENDEL: You overwhelm me, your Eminence. [SCENE_BREAK] ZADEK: We're nearly there. The steps to the Coronation chamber are just round the corner. FARRAH: Doctor! DOCTOR: What? Stop him! FARRAH: Is he going to be all right? DOCTOR: Let's hope so. Off you go. FARRAH: Look out! ZADEK: We've been followed! Doctor, take the Prince. We'll try to hold them off here. There's a lever at the top. Pull it down. It opens a panel. Hurry! DOCTOR: It can't have been moved for two hundred years. It's stuck! It won't move. [SCENE_BREAK] ARCHIMANDRITE: There's no sign of the Prince, Count Grendel. GRENDEL: He would appear to be late, your Eminence. ARCHIMANDRITE: If he doesn't appear by the appointed time, it is my duty under the law to offer the crown to one of the other nobles. GRENDEL: My dear Archimandrite, you may rest assured that whoever you choose to be King of Tara will immediately be offered the protection of my guard. ARCHIMANDRITE: Your guard? These are your men? GRENDEL: Er, the palace guard proved to be indisposed. ARCHIMANDRITE: I see. Perhaps, in the circumstances, it would be simpler if I offered you the crown immediately. GRENDEL: An excellent suggestion, my dear Archimandrite. It would avoid a great deal of possible unpleasantness later. But we must wait for the exact moment. Everything must be done correctly. ARCHIMANDRITE: Noble sentiments, Count. Nobly spoken. ARCHIMANDRITE: Look, it is time. It is time! Open the doors. [SCENE_BREAK] GRENDEL: Impossible. ARCHIMANDRITE: All kneel to our sovereign lord, Prince Reynart. ARCHIMANDRITE: Kneel! ARCHIMANDRITE: Behold the crown of Tara. ARCHIMANDRITE: Hail to the King! Hail to King Reynart of Tara! NOBLES: Hail! Hail to the King! ARCHIMANDRITE: Your Majesty. The speech of accession. You must say it. GEORGE: My subjects, I acknowledge your salutations and I swear that I will uphold your rights and devote myself to defending and pro-o-o-tecting you at all times. DOCTOR: (quietly) I'll do some more work on his speech circuits. ARCHIMANDRITE: Let all the nobles now swear the oath of fealty to the King. ARCHIMANDRITE: Let the First Lady of the land of Tara come forward and make her vows. DOCTOR: Romana? ZADEK: That's the Princess Strella. STRELLA: (deadpan) I, Princess Strella, descendant of the Royal Kings of Tara, Mistress of the domains of Thorvald, Mortgarde and Freya, do humbly offer my loyalty to the King and do hereby recognise his suzerainty over me and all whom I command.	Plan: A: Romana; Q: Who is being held prisoner by Count Grendal? A: the Prince; Q: Who vanished while the men were unconscious? A: the king; Q: Who did the Doctor and the Prince toast to? A: the Princes disappearance; Q: What is the Doctor accused of being involved in? A: a plan; Q: What do the Doctor and the Prince have to figure out to still get the android crowned? Summary: Romana is being held prisoner by Count Grendal, the Prince and his men along with the Doctor are drugged when they toast to the king after the Doctor has fixed the Prince's android. He is then accused of being involved in the Princes disappearance. They then have to figure out a plan to still get the android crowned as the Prince has vanished while the men were unconscious.
Teleplay by: Constance M. Burge and Sheryl J. Anderson Story by: Brad Kern and Constance M. Burge [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Mr. Franklin and Max's house. They are sitting on the couch and then thugs wearing balaclavas run in and grab Max.] Mr. Franklin: Max! (One of the thugs points a gun at Mr. Franklin.) Thug: Don't move, don't breathe! Just listen. We're gonna borrow your kid just for a day. Now, if you're smart, you will not call the cops. We will have him safe and sound, first thing Monday morning, ready for school. Do you understand? Mr. Franklin: Yeah, yeah. Thug: Just our little secret, right? Mr. Franklin: Yeah. (The thug knocks Mr. Franklin out and they drag Max outside.) [Scene: Attic. Prue, Piper, and Phoebe are sitting at a table spring-cleaning. Piper is looking through a box of toys and Phoebe is painting her nails.] Phoebe: Can I just say I am absolutely enjoying this? Piper: That's because you're not doing anything. Phoebe: Not true. I've painted my fingers and my toes. Prue: I just hope that this doesn't fall under the personal gain category. Piper: How could it? A good witch is a clean witch. Phoebe: Yep. I think we should spring clean like this more often. You go girl. (Prue uses her power to close drawers, put things in a box, clean the window, straighten toys and books on a shelf, and lift some trophies while dusting.) Piper: Good job Prue. (Prue uses her power to put away a broom.) Oh look. More toys. I told you Grams wouldn't throw them away. Prue: Yeah. But we will. Why don't you just put that stuff in the discard pile? Phoebe: Wait. What's in there? Piper: Stuffed animals without eyeballs. Dollies that look like they've been through the mill once or twice and looky here. Miss. Phoebe's diaries. Phoebe: The place where I kept all my secrets. Give me those. (She takes her diaries and she giggles. Prue and Piper give her a look.) What? Prue: The place where you kept your secrets? Phoebe: Uh-huh. Piper: Phoebe, you could never keep a secret. Phoebe: Oh. That is so not true. Piper: OK. Maybe Prue's surprise birthday party. Prue: Guess again. Piper: You knew? Prue: Mm-hmm. (Piper hits Phoebe playfully.) Piper: Phoebe, you swore you wouldn't tell her. Phoebe: I'm sorry. OK? It was an accident. (Piper sighs) I say we keep all the toys. Prue: Subject changer. Phoebe: For our children, for our future. Piper: That's a good idea. Prue: Well, you can get rid of mine. (Piper and Phoebe give her the "what" look.) What? It's just that, you know, we live in a world with so much violence and then you add the evil demons and it's a pretty scary place to raise kids in. Besides, I don't really think I'm cut out to be a mom. Piper: How can you say that? Prue: Why don't we have this conversation later? Like say 5 years? Piper: Good. Ooh. Ooh. I think dinner's burning. Phoebe, lend me a hand. (She leaves) Phoebe: Don't look in my diaries. (She leaves.) [Scene: Auto shop. The thugs enter with Max. Max is gagged and has his hands tied in front of him. Thug #2 pushes Max to the ground. He sits up.] Thug #1: All right. If you try anything, you're dead and so is your old man. You got that kid? (Max nods.) Thug #2: Come on. Ease up on him Mickey. Kid's not stupid, are you Max? (Max shakes his head.) You're going to do just like we tell you and everything's gonna be fine, right? (Max nods.) Mickey: Yeah. You better be right or me and you got problems. Thug #2: Look. That kid is a living, breathing winning lotto ticket. All I know is my kid brother said somehow, like magic, he turned off the arcade alarm system from across the street and got them inside. Mickey: I don't believe in magic. Thug #2: So we test him out, we don't like what we see, cut our loses. (They leave. Max closes his eyes and slowly rocks back and forth.) [Cut to attic. The spirit board is out. The pointer starts to move.] Prue: Piper. Phoebe. Get in here. (She begins writing down the letters. Piper and Phoebe enter.) Phoebe: What is it? (Prue points to the spirit board. Phoebe sighs.) Piper: Oh no. Not again. Phoebe: What's it saying? (Prue shows them the notepad that says HELP MAX.) Prue: Help Max. Opening Credits [Scene: Parlor the next morning. Piper is on the phone. Phoebe and Prue come in with the spirit board and sit at a table.] Phoebe: So maybe Max is a ghost. I mean, after all, that is a spirit board. Prue: A ghost who needs our help? I don't think so. Phoebe: Well, it wouldn't be the first time. Prue: What if it's just someone in trouble crying out? Phoebe: Well, it would have to be someone with powers. That's not exactly AT&T. Prue: "Help Max." That's not a lot to go on. Phoebe: Yeah. I mean there's nothing really you can do unless he sends another message. What are you on hold or something? Piper: It's Harry, the new chef at Quake. He threw out all my Henckel knives. Apparently, he prefers Forscheners! Phoebe: You follow any of that? Prue: No. Look, we wouldn't have gotten the message if it wasn't important. Phoebe: OK. So what do you wanna do? Prue: Maybe go see Andy. See if he knows anything about a Max needing help. Phoebe: Can you say long shot? (Prue gives Phoebe a look.) All right. You're obsessed. I accept that. I'll thumb through the Book of Shadows. See if there's anything in there about spirit board SOS's. Prue: And maybe Piper can Piper: Look. Wait. I'm the manager. If I say I want Henckel, then I want hello? (She hangs up.) The jerk hung up on me. (She slams the phone on the table.) OK. How can I help you two? Prue: I think we got it under control. Piper: OK. Then I'm going to Quake before Harry does anymore damage. (Piper leaves. Prue gives Phoebe a "what" look. Phoebe giggles.) [Cut to foyer. Piper grabs her coat and opens the door to find Leo there.] Leo: Ha. Ding-dong. (They both laugh a little) Piper: Leo. You're back. Come in. (Leo hugs Piper.) It's so good to see you. How are you? Leo: Better now. (They stop hugging.) How are you Piper? (In the background, Phoebe and Prue, who's carrying the spirit board and pointer, enter.) Piper: Uh, I'm better now too. Phoebe: Leo! Prue: Hey stranger. Good to see you. Phoebe: Yeah. What brings you back? Prue: Phoebe. Phoebe: You know, the chandelier in the living room keeps flickering. Leo: Yeah? Well, I'll get my tools. Phoebe: Oh no. No. Take your time. Prue: Uh, attic. Remember? You have some reading to do. Phoebe: Right. Prue: Mm-hmm. (Phoebe heads towards the attic) Leo: Is that a spirit board? Prue: Uh, this? Yeah it is. Um, I'm just talking it to the auction house to have it appraised. (She grabs her coat.) So, I'll call if I hear anything. (She leaves.) Piper: I'll be at the restaurant. Leo: Do you have to go now? Piper: Uh, yeah. Sort of, but I'll be back soon. I promise. Uh, can you wait? Leo: Uh, sure. (They kiss.) Piper: Ooh. So glad you're back. (She leaves.) [Scene: Police Station. Prue is sitting by Andy's desk.] Andy: OK. Let me get this straight. You think a guy named Max might be in some kind of trouble, but you have no idea why. You've never meet him, and you really don't have no idea who he is. Is that about right? Prue: OK. Fine. See, I had a dream last night and uh, in my dream my sisters and I were cleaning the attic when we found this old ouija-type board and the pointer started to move until it spelled out " Help Max." (A couple of seconds pass.) That's it. (Andy types MAX on the computer and presses ENTER.) Andy: You know, I hear a lot of stories in my line of work, but yours are always very entertaining. Prue: Thank you. Andy: You're welcome. (He looks at the computer.) Sorry. Nothing on anyone named Max. Prue: Oh. Thanks for checking. Andy: Anytime. (Prue and Andy stare at each other. Prue giggles.) Prue: OK. Andy: OK. Prue: Bye. Andy: Bye. (Prue leaves.) [Scene: Quake. Piper burst through the kitchen doors and goes to Harry, who is cooking.] Piper: Harry! Harry: Hey. You must be Pippy. Piper: Piper, and Harry: You know, your voice doesn't do justice. You're actually attractive. Piper: You cannot come into this restaurant, throw away all of our knives, and refuse to make the house specialty. (She notices he's wearing shorts.) That is not a proper chef's uniform. Harry: Will be. I'm a transetter. (He goes and gets a bowl of ravioli.) In fact I, uh, decide to change the menu, so I threw out all the old ones. Now my crab ravioli, there's a specialty. (He sniffs it.) Mmm. Straight from Eden. Piper: You threw out all the menus? Harry: Hey. Complain to your sister Phoebe. (He hands her a cell phone.) She's on line 1. (She takes the cell phone from him.) Piper: You're fired! Harry: Ooh. Attractive and feisty. Um, you can't fire me cause you're just a manager. Unless you prefer to be the executive chef. (He laughs and begins to walk away.) Piper: Ooh. (She freezes him. She takes the knives out of the trash and dumps the ravioli in.) Take that. (She leaves.) [Cut to the Halliwell Manor. Phoebe is walking down the stairs with the phone in her hand.] Phoebe: Yeah. He sounds like a real piece of work. He has a nice voice though. What's he look like? [Cut to Quake. Piper is sitting by the bar.] Piper: A complete and total jerk. Is Leo around? [Cut to the Halliwell Manor.] Phoebe: Yeah. He's working away. [Cut to Quake. There is a commotion by the kitchen.] Phoebe: He wants to know when you're gonna get back though. Piper: Uh, I think it might be a while. Maybe I should talk to Leo. [Cut to the Halliwell Manor.] Phoebe: Sure. Hold on a second. (She walks into the living room and sees Leo floating by the chandelier with a light bulb glowing in his hands) (Into the phone) Oh my god! (Leo looks at her) Leo: Phoebe! (He falls) Phoebe: (Into the phone) Let me call you back. (She hangs up the phone and turns it into a weapon and points it at Leo as he gets up with the light bulb still glowing and comes towards her while saying this) Leo: Phoebe wait. I can explain. (She starts backing up. Leo follows her) Phoebe: You are a warlock, aren't you? Leo: No. (Phoebe stops at a table in the hall) Wait. Wait. Wait. (He tries to grab the phone while saying this but fails and draws his hand back when he says if) Think about it. If I was a warlock and I wanted to hurt you, don't you think I would have done it the last time I was here? Phoebe: OK. Good point, but still most, normal handymen use ladders to fix chandeliers. (She points the phone under Leo's chin) Are you a witch? Leo: No. Phoebe: Then what are you? Leo: Uh (Leo waves the light bulb, still glowing, in front of Phoebe accidentally. Phoebe's eyes follow the light bulb. Leo makes the light bulb stop glowing and gives a goofy smile) [Scene: Outside Microchip plant. Mickey and thug #2, known as David, are in a car with Max telling him a plan to break into the micro chip plant.] David: These are the blueprints to the microchip plant. So the main security panel is in the room here. All you do is switch the system off. You start with zone one, ending up with zone five, OK? You got it? Max: I can't. My mom made me promise never to use my power for bad things. Mickey: Yeah. Well, you ever read the book when bad things happen to good people? David: Look, I got it Mickey. You broke into the arcade, right? This isn't anything different, man. I mean, we're not gonna actually take anything. We just want to see if you can actually do it. Look I'm I'm really sorry about what happened to your mom, OK? That's a tough break, but you want to make sure something doesn't happen to your dad, don't you? (Max begins to slowly rock back and forth. David signal's Mickey. He gets out of the car and goes to the front door. We see the control panel, inside the microchip plant open and the controls burn out. Cut to Mickey. He is waiting at the door by the card slot to wait for it to turn green. It does. He opens the door and goes in. No alarms go off.) Mickey: Well I'll be damned. [Cut back to David and Max.] David: I don't know how you did that, but I got to say, I'm very impressed. (Mickey walks out and a cop comes up to him.) Cop: Hey! (Mickey pulls out a gun and shots the cop in the leg. The cop falls to the floor.) Max: No! David: Shut up! (David covers Max's mouth. Mickey runs to the car.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Parlor. Leo and Phoebe are they're talking about who Leo really is. Phoebe has a mug of tea. I didn't get the first couple of words for some reason.] Phoebe: I mean up until today, I thought you were a handyman, and now I find out that you're a Leo: White lighter. Phoebe: A white lighter. What exactly is a white lighter? Leo: Well, we're really just messengers. Guides. (Phoebe is still confused.) Think of us as guardian angels for good witches. Your tea is cold. (He leans forward and waves his hand and the tea becomes hot) Phoebe: Ow. Well, you are handy. (Leo smiles a little.) So, all this time, you knew who we really were? Leo: Yeah. I was sent to watch over you and your sisters when you first got your powers. You know, help out wherever I could. Phoebe: Sent by who? Leo: Whom. They're a group of elder white lighters. They're known as the founders. You were never supposed to find out. I screwed up and got caught. Phoebe: So, what? You're here again to help us out with something else? Leo: Uh, actually I'm here to help a boy named Max. Phoebe: Max? Wait. That's the the Leo: The spirit board. I know. See, Max is a budding good witch new to the powers. But he's very young and vulnerable. And he's in serious trouble. Someone wants to take advantage of his gift. Phoebe: So why don't you help him? Leo: I did. I made sure Prue received his cry for help. That's why I was sent here. That's all I'm supposed to do for now. The rest is up to Prue. Phoebe: Yeah, but Prue doesn't know anything about him. She doesn't even know that he's a little boy. Leo: Well, she will. In the meantime, you must help me keep my secret or I could get into trouble. (Phoebe smiles.) Piper and Prue can never know what I really am. Phoebe: Me? Keep a secret? Hello? Wrong Halliwell. Wait, uh, you have to tell Piper because if I know her, she's gonna think that Leo: I know. I know. And that's where I need your help. See? (Leo gets out of his chair.) White lighters and witches aren't allowed to fall in love. It's like humans and angels aren't. But I did. I fell in love with Piper. Phoebe: And I know how much she cares about you. (Leo sighs.) Leo: It isn't fair to keep her in the dark but I have to keep this secret. (He sits back down.) So somehow I have to tell Piper that I can never see her again and I can't tell her why. Phoebe: You don't need my help Leo. You need a miracle. [Scene: Buckland's. Prue's office. Prue is typing on her laptop. Someone knocks on the door. The door opens and Andy comes in.] Andy: Got a minute? Prue: Uh, sure. (Andy closes the door. Prue puts the spirit board down so Andy can't see. Andy comes to her desk.) Why don't you just sit down here? (He sits down.) That's perfect. So, um, what's up? Andy: I got some interesting information about a boy named Max. Prue: A boy? Andy: Named Max. Yes. Prue: Whoa. Andy: Curious huh? Prue: Very. (As Andy talks, the pointer on the spirit board starts spell out another message.) Andy: Earlier today, a microchip plant was broken into but nothing was taken. (Prue sees the pointer move and begins to write down the message.) Stranger still, the alarms were turned off before the front door was opened on the outside. Prue: Uh, what does this have to do with this boy Max? Andy: Well, uh, security cameras picked up a car in the front parking lot with a boy in the back seat matching this photo taken at an arcade last week (He shows her a picture of Max and another boy.) where a couple of kids sunk in in much the same way. Same boy. Max Franklin. Prue: Do you know who was in the front seat? (Andy shakes his head.) Andy: Just that they shot and wounded a security guard at the scene. This boy's in serious trouble Prue. This is not a dream. (Andy leans closer.) I need to know what you know about this. Prue: Well, I mean, why would I know anything? I think that you need to talk to his family. Andy: (Leaning back in his chair.) I did. His father. He pretended not to know anything either. Clamed the boy was out of state visiting grandparents, will be back tomorrow, but something's wrong. He wanted to tell me something, but he was scared. He was afraid to say anything. What are you writing? (Prue looks up after completing the message.) Prue: Nothing. I'm just doodling. Andy: You're not going to tell me anything are you? (Andy stands up.) One day, I'm going to figure out your secret Prue. Count on it. (He leaves. Prue looks at the message. It reads KIDNAPPED AUTO SHOP.) [Scene: Quake. Kitchen. Piper is washing her knives. An employer brings Piper a cell phone.] Employer: Telephone. (Piper takes it as he leaves.) Piper: Hello? [Cut to Prue's office.] Prue: Hey. Um, look, Max is a boy, Piper, and he's been kidnapped. [Cut to Piper] Piper: What? [Cut to Prue] Prue: Yeah. I got another message on the spirit board. I have to help. [Cut to Piper] Piper: Uh, I think we should call the police. [Cut to Prue] Prue: Uh, Andy's already been here and I think I have an idea what to do. [Cut to Piper] Piper: Uh, OK. So you've got everything under control? (Harry comes up and grabs the phone off Piper.) Harry: Uh, no. Everything's not under control. (He tosses the phone in the sink.) I need more crab for my ravioli because somebody threw it all away and I just got 5 more orders, Pepper. (He tosses her the orders and she catches them.) [Scene: Franklin's house. Prue walks up to the door and rings the bell. Mr. Franklin answers the door.] Prue: Mr. Franklin? Mr. Franklin: Yes. Prue: My name's Prue Halliwell. I need to talk to you about your son. Mr. Franklin: Sorry, um, you have to leave, OK? Prue: Look, I know that he's been kidnapped. I know that he's in trouble. Mr. Franklin: I don't know what you're talking about. Prue: I think you do. What I don't understand is why you won't talk to the police. Mr. Franklin: Please. You gotta leave. Alright? Thank you. (He begins to close the door and Prue holds the door open.) Prue: Unless you can't talk to the police. The kidnappers won't let you, will they? That's why you wouldn't say anything to Inspector Trudeau. Mr. Franklin: Look, I don't know who you are, but I'm begging you Prue: I can help. Mr. Franklin: No. No. You can't. Alright? Good-bye. (He begins to close the door and Prue holds the door open.) Prue: Mr. Franklin (Prue uses her power to send a picture flying into Mr. Franklin's hand. He catches it.) Mr. Franklin: Dear God. [Scene: Quake. Phoebe and Leo are in front at a table. Leo puts his hand over a glass of water and it fills up.] Phoebe: Thank you. Oh. (Piper comes out to them.) Piper: Hi. I know you guys have been waiting a long time (There is a crash in the kitchen.) Phoebe: Hey. Have you heard from Prue? Piper: Uh, yeah. Uh, she's got everything under control. I'll be right back. (Piper goes to the kitchen.) Phoebe: OK. It's actually good that we have a few more minutes. We can go over your plan. You know. What you're gonna tell Piper. Leo: Oh, well. I thought that I'd tell her that, uh, as much as I love her and as much as I'd like to stay in San Francisco I can't. A-and I don't know how long my work will keep me away. Phoebe: No. No. What you just said is as much as you'd like to stay and have s*x with her, you've got a wife and kids in another part of the country. Try again. Leo: Uh, Piper, um, you know how much you mean to me, and more than anything, I wish things could work out, but they can't, and no one is more sorry then I am. Phoebe: Translation-I found someone I like even better. Leo: I'm completely confused. Phoebe: Uh, look Leo. Its not that complicated. OK. Um, just avoid the following. We can still hang out. I don't deserve you yet. I need more "me time" before we can have "we time". And my personal favorite, "It's not you. It's me." And whatever you do, do not start a conversation with "we need to talk". Other then that, you'll do fine. (She takes a sip of water.) [Scene: Franklin house. Living room. Prue is sitting on the couch. Mr. Franklin is holding a picture of Max, Mr. Franklin, and Mrs. Franklin.] Mr. Franklin: Then they hit me and I passed out. (He sits in an armchair and puts the picture down.) I've been going out of my mind crazy ever since last night. Should I go to the police? Should I do what they say? They promised to bring him back, but after what the police said happened this morning, I I don't even know if he's alright. Prue: No. I know that Max is OK right now. If he wasn't, he couldn't have sent me that last message. Mr. Franklin: So I take it you're a a witch too huh? Prue: Is that what your son says he is? Mr. Franklin: It's what Paulette, my wife, says he is. It's what she was. You know, it would have been a hell of a lot easier to handle her family secret had it been revealed a lot sooner. Prue: Maybe she was afraid of how you would react. Maybe she was afraid that you might not accept her or love her. Mr. Franklin: Speaking from personal experience? Prue: Yes I am. Mr. Franklin: Well, when Paulette, she had to tell me, she was running out of time. She passed away 3 months ago. Then suddenly, Max, he starts having this power. I don't have a clue what to tell him what it all means. And he uses it and he nearly gets busted at an arcade and now this. Prue: I'm sure that Max Mr. Franklin: Do you have any children? Prue: No, but Mr. Franklin: Then you possibly couldn't understand what I'm feeling. Prue: Still. I'm sorry about what happened to Max and your wife, but if you could just find a way. Forgive her. Mr. Franklin: Forgive her. She shouldn't have told me. Maybe if she had I would have been better able to protect Max. Prue: Do you know of anybody who owns an auto shop of any kind? (Mr. Franklin shakes his head.) Mr. Franklin: Why? Prue: I think your son was trying to send me a clue. Mr. Franklin: No I-I although I think Max's friend, Danny, his brother work at one over in Oakland. Prue: Is Danny the friend that broke into the arcade with Max? (Mr. Franklin's eyes widen.) Got an address? [Scene: Auto shop. Max is trying to get free. Prue appears in the doorway.] Prue: Max? Max: Who there? (As Prue talks, she goes to Max and tries to help get him free.) Prue: My name is Prue. I'm here to take you home? Max: But how'd you find me? Prue: I had a little chat with your friend Danny. Look, you're dad, he's waiting for you. Max: You know my dad? Prue: Yeah, he (Mickey appears in the doorway. Prue stands up.) Mickey: Hey. Who the hell are you? (Prue uses her power to push him back.) Aah! (He hits the tire bend. And falls to the floor. Max looks at Prue with wide eyes. David enters. Prue uses her power to push him back too. He hits the tire bend and falls to the floor. Prue helps Max up.) Prue: Come on. We need to hurry. Max: You have powers? Prue: Yeah. I'll explain them to you in the car, OK? Max: I can't leave. They'll kill my dad if I do. (Mickey comes up and hits Prue in. Prue is knocked to the floor unconscious.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Auto shop. Prue is tied up next to Max. Mickey shakes Prue.] Mickey: Hey. Naptime's over. Wake up. (Prue wakes up.) I got a little surprise for you. Prue: Max, are you OK? (Max shakes his head.) Mickey: He's fine. Prue: Look, don't worry Mickey: (hits Prue on the shoulder.) I said he's fine! Now before you go trying to pull any of that magical, uh, hocus pocus crap again, I wanna show you something. (He pulls out a little trigger with a red button on it.) Prue: What is it? Mickey: All that matters is what happens when I flick that little switch. Now I flick that little switch, and Max here takes a nap. A long one. David: Mickey, why don't Mickey: Shut up! (Mickey goes over to Max and kneels down beside him. David leaves. Mickey show Prue a bomb attached to Max's waist.) Plastic explosives. Little trick I picked up in Corcoran. Prison system's very educational. Prue: Mickey, he's just a child. He's already proven that he's not going anywhere. If you're going to wire anyone. Wire me. Mickey: What is it with the two of you? What are you, like magicians or freaks of natures? Aliens? What? Prue: Witches. (Mickey laughs and leaves the room.) You OK? Max: I'm scared. Prue: I know. Just uh, do as they say and everything will be fine. They need you, remember? Max: I'm sorry I got you into this. Sorry I have these stupid powers. Prue: No Max. Don't ever be sorry about that. It's a gift. It's like being a, uh, musician or athlete. Max: It's a pain. I'm a freak. My dad hates it too. He hates me. Prue: No. No, he doesn't. He just doesn't understand it, that's all. It's new to him too. Don't worry Max. I won't let anything happen to you. I promise. OK? Max: OK. Prue: OK. (They both smile.) [Cut to other room inside the auto shop where David and Mickey are discussing the plan.] David: You really think it's necessary? Wiring the kid like that? Mickey: You saw what that chick did. Pretty cool actually. Might come in handy tonight. It's the only reason she's still breathing. [Scene: Quake. Piper comes out of the kitchen and go towards Leo.] Piper: Sorry. Small mutiny in the kitchen. (She sits down.) Where were we? Leo: Piper there's something I need to tell you. Piper: Yeah? Leo: Uh, look. Forgive me, but I could be summoned at any moment, so I have to tell you this now. I can't I can't, uh I can't believe how much I missed you. Piper: Well Leo, I missed you too, but what do you mean "summoned"? Summoned where? (Harry comes out of the kitchen and stands by the door.) Harry: Hey, uh Piper. No respect I can live with, OK, but where the hell is my coriander? (He goes back into the kitchen.) Piper: OK. That's it. I'm ending this now. (Piper gets up and heads towards the kitchen. Phoebe enters.) Phoebe: Oh my gosh. You know. Piper: Of course I know. The whole restaurant knows. Didn't you hear him scream across the room? Phoebe: (To Leo.) I thought it was a secret. Leo: Phoebe Piper: I wish. It will probably be in the newspaper tomorrow. Phoebe: No. It can't be. Look Piper, he never meant to hurt you. Piper: Phoebe, please. You haven't even meet the manic yet. What's gotten into you? (Piper goes into the kitchen. Phoebe looks questionably at Leo.) Leo: She's talking about the new chef. Phoebe: Oh, right. So does that mean she took your news well? Leo: That means she doesn't know. I can't tell her Phoebe. I can't stand to think about it, much less, talk about it. Phoebe: Well, here's something else you might not want to think about. Piper said that Prue had everything under control. Well, I can't find her. [Scene: Police Station. Andy is at his desk. Darryl comes in with a picture of Mickey.] Darryl: Say hello. Mickey Jackson. Security cameras digitally enhanced for your viewing pleasure. (He hands Andy the photo from the security camera.) Andy: Jackson's a convicted bank robber. What's he doing breaking into a microchip plant? Darryl: And stealing squad. Good question. Andy: A better one would be how he broke into the plant in the first place. (Darryl sits in a chair in front of Andy's desk.) High tech's not exactly his style. Darryl: Mmm. Unless this was just a dry run. Maybe Mickey's looking to do big and better things. Andy: Like another bank? Darryl: Mmm. Like a big bank. It's a leap. I know. Andy: Agreed. But why the kid? How's he fit into this? (Darryl shakes his head. Andy's phone rings.) Trudeau. Phoebe: Hey Andy. It's Phoebe. [Cut to Manor. Phoebe's on the phone and Leo is sitting on the couch.] Phoebe: Have you seen Prue since this morning? [Cut to Police Station.] Andy: No. As a matter of fact, I was about to ask you the same question. [Cut to Manor.] Phoebe: Really? Why? [Cut to Police Station.] Andy: Because I think she knows something about a boy named Max. [Cut to Manor.] Andy: Do you? Phoebe: Uh. Ooh. Oh. That's my call waiting. Gotta go. Could be Prue. Bye. (She hangs up and goes to Leo.) Uh anything? Leo: No. I can't reach either Max or Prue telepathically. Phoebe: Does that mean they're in trouble? (Piper enters.) Piper: Who's in trouble? Phoebe: Oh. The 49ers. No secondary. They need a really good draft pick next year. Well I'm gonna go into the kitchen and see if I can get in touch with Prue. (To Leo.) Carry on. (She leaves. Piper walks towards Leo and takes off her coat and sits by Leo while saying this.) Piper: Alone. Finally. Don't have to worry about any more interruptions from Harry. He, uh, quit. (She goes to hug Leo and he draws away from her.) OK. Not the enthusiastic response I was hopping for. Leo: Look, uh, Piper, I've been searching all day for an easy way to tell you this. Piper: Oh. Uh. (She freezes him.) Phoebe. Phoebe, I know you're not in the kitchen. (Phoebe comes into the living room) Phoebe: That is so weird. I was just on my way back. Piper: Is Leo about to tell me he doesn't want to see me anymore? (Phoebe sits next to Piper. She looks over at Leo and sees he's frozen.) Phoebe: You'll have to ask him. (She leaves. Piper turns back to Leo. Time unfreezes.) Leo: And that's the problem. I fell in love with you and I shouldn't have. Piper: You're married. Leo: No. Piper: Engaged. Leo: Um I'm involved. But it's not the way you think. The truth is that I lead you on and made you believe that I was coming back. Piper: Leo, you are back. Leo: Yeah, but I I have to leave again. Now, and and it's not because I want to, though. It's because I have to. I'm sorry. Piper: That's OK. Leo: It is? Piper: Yeah. I mean Leo, you're a nice guy and I like you a lot, but let's face it. You're, uh, geographically undesirable. I mean, you said you live really far away right? Leo: Yeah. Pretty far. Piper: Well I try never to get involved with guys I can't see regularly. So, don't feel bad. I mean, I understand. Really, I do. (Piper kisses Leo and leaves. Phoebe enters.) Phoebe: So how'd she take it? Leo: Not bad. (The white lighters call Leo.) Oh. Um. Excuse me, but I have to go. (He grabs his coat and heads towards the door.) Phoebe: Leo, whatwhwhere you going? Leo: (Stopping at the doorway.) I uh, have to leave. Now. (He leaves.) [Scene: Auto shop. Mickey is in a van preparing for the robbery. David walks over to him with the blue prints.] David: So the thing is, once Max shorts out the alarm, we got like 3 minutes till the guard realize there's a signal interruption. Mickey: Just make sure the kid knows what he's supposed to do. And keep an eye on that girl. I don't trust her. [Cut to Prue and Max on the other side of the room.] Max: Has anything like this ever happened to you before? Prue: Uh not exactly like this. Usually the demons that I have to deal with Max: Demons? Prue: Your mom didn't get to tell you much about being a witch did she? Max: No. I just found out about my power when she died. Prue: You know, my mom died when I was young too. I know how much it hurts, and it doesn't ever really go away. I didn't even know that my power was coming. I had to figure it out all by myself, which means so can you. Especially with your dad's help. Max: He'll never understand. Prue: Max, you have to help him understand. Max: You sound just like my mom. Prue: Well, I care a lot about you too. Max: I wish you could be my mom right now. Prue: So, what is your power anyway? Max: Mom called it psychokineses. It means I can move things I can't see. (Mickey comes to them.) Mickey: All right. Remember, just do everything I say. And uh, nobody gets hurt. David: Let's roll. (Mr. Franklin shows up.) Mr. Franklin: Max? Max: Dad. (Mickey and David point guns at Mr. Franklin.) Mr. Franklin: Hold it. Hold it. Don't shoot. I'm unarmed. Nobody else knows you're here. I swear. I found you the same way she did. Through your brother. Mickey: Your brother? Prue: Gordan, they have him wired. Mickey: Shut up. Max: Dad? Mr. Franklin: It's alright son. Look man. I'll give you anything else you want. Just let me have my boy, please? (Mickey lowers his gun.) Mickey: Alright David. Go, um, go put them in the van. Do it. (David, Prue, and Max walk past Mr. Franklin.) Mr. Franklin: My son. (David pushes him aside.) Max. Max. (Prue, Max, and David go in the van. As Mr. Franklin takes, Mickey loads the gun.) Please man, let him go. I beg you. Please. He's my son. I beg you. Please. (Mickey points the gun at Mr. Franklin's chest.) Mickey: Sorry. (He shots him. Mr. Franklin falls down. Prue sees this. Max is burying his face in Prue's coat. Mickey closes the door. He gets in the front.) Drive. (He looks at Prue. Prue looks at Mr. Franklin as the van drives away.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Street by bank. David parks on the side of the road. David turns around and looks at Max.] David: Alright. It'll be just like this morning Max. (He shows Max the blueprints for the bank.) That's where the alarm panel is. You know the rest. (Max looks at Mickey.) Mickey: What are you looking at? Max: What are you going to do with my dad? Prue: Max, the sooner this is over, the sooner we can get to him. We need to hurry. (Max looks at the map. He then uses his power to short out the alarms, open the gate, and open the vault.) Max: OK. Mickey: Out. (Mickey and David pull on their bank robbers masks. They get out of the van and make Max and Prue come with them. They go in the bank and to the vault.) David: We got 2 minutes. Mickey: Alright. You get the cash. I'll watch them. (David goes in the vault. Mickey watches him.) Prue: Use your power. (Max is confused. Prue uses her power to show him to use it on the bomb on himself. Mickey looks at them. He grabs Max.) Mickey: I don't want you two getting any ideas. (Max looks at Prue while Mickey looks at David. Prue nods. Max begins using his power on the bomb.) What the hell are you doing? (Max shorts out the bomb. An alarm rings.) Guard #1: At the vault! (Two guards arrive on the scene. Mickey pushes Max away. Prue grabs him and holds him, making sure he doesn't get hurt.) Guard #2: Hold it right there! (David and Mickey get their guns.) Guard #1: Drop it! (Prue uses her power to push the guards out of the way of the firing bullets. They stop.) Mickey: Big mistake. (Mickey pushes the button on the trigger. Nothing happens.) Prue: Yeah. Right back at you. (She uses her power to push David and Mickey in the vault, closes it, and locks it.) Come on. (They begin to leave.) Max: Shouldn't we wait for the cops? Explain everything? Prue: No. Look, we cannot explain without telling and you have to protect yourself by protecting your secret. We really need to get back to your dad, OK? [Cut to Auto shop. Mr. Franklin is lying on the ground weakly. A light comes towards him. It begins to form a person.] Mr. Franklin: Paulette? (The light turns into Leo. Leo walks to him and kneels down.) Leo: It's not time to be with your wife, Gordan. It's time to be with your son. Mr. Franklin: But (Leo puts his hand over Mr. Franklin's wound and heals him. He takes his hand away.) Leo: Raise the boy well. Heed Prue's advice. (Leo orbs away. The van comes in. Max and Prue get out.) Max: Dad, you OK? Mr. Franklin: Max. (Max gets up and hugs his son.) Oh. Ooh. I'm fine Max. Thank you God. Thank you. Thank you. Ooh. You're alright. Prue: But I saw you get you're not bleeding. Mr. Franklin: It's a miracle. Thank you thank you for protecting my son. Prue: I'm just glad it all worked out. Raise the boy well. (Mr. Franklin looks at Prue strangely.) What? Mr. Franklin: There's somewhere we need to go. (To Prue.) I'd like you to come with us. [Scene: Cemetery. It's morning. Max and Mr. Franklin put two pink rose with ribbons by Paulette's grave. Prue is standing behind them.] Mr. Franklin: I was so busy being angry at your mother for leaving, for not telling me her secret, your secret it was like a a weight on my heart. I hope you both can forgive me. (Max hugs his dad.) [Scene: Manor. Attic. A toy train goes across the floor. Phoebe picks it up. Piper is carrying a box of toys behind her. They go to a little table. Phoebe sits down. Piper puts the box down.] Prue: Can you believe that? Dad's old train. Piper: I can't believe you. You get mad at me for chasing monsters on my own. Prue: Well, I figured I could handle it when I realized they weren't demons, but I probably should have asked for help. Phoebe: Even though that killed you, and it almost did. Prue: Live and learn. Piper: Yeah, you didn't even get to say good-bye to Leo. Phoebe: What is that supposed to mean? Piper: I don't know. It's just weird. I felt like he was holding something back form me. Prue: Holding something back? What do you mean? Piper: Who knows? It just seems like he wasn't telling me the whole story. Like he had some secret he was afraid I couldn't handle. Phoebe: Well that's his call (Prue and Piper give her the "what" look.) uh, assuming that he had a secret. Might not of. Piper: What are you talking about? Phoebe: OK. OK. You don't have to beat it out of me. Leo is a white-lighter. They're sort of guardian angels for witches. And they're not supposed to get involved with witches. But Leo couldn't help it. He fell in love with you and that broke all the rules and got him in all sorts of trouble. And even though he'll love you forever, you will probably never see him again. (Prue and Piper begin laughing.) Piper: What? Phoebe, that's that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. Oh god. Don't be so silly. (Piper tosses Phoebe a doll.) Phoebe: That's me. Silly. Piper: I gotta go get some more tea. (She leaves) Prue: Yeah. You know, Pheebs. With an imagination like that, you should be writing children's books or something. Phoebe: No. But I didn't I didn't even think of that. That's a really good idea Prue. (Phoebe moves the toy train to the box of toys going.) Prue: Oh. Oh. (Prue grabs the toy train.) That stays here. Phoebe: Wait. I thought all of the toys were going to the salvation army. Prue: Well, like you said. We should save some for our children. Phoebe: Do I scene a hormonal shift here? Prue: It's no big deal. I just had some time to think. Phoebe: Yeah. In all that spare time of yours. Prue: And I realize that I do want kids. I think that I'd make a great mom. Phoebe: So, did you save Max or did Max save you? (Prue doesn't answer. Phoebe picks up the box and leaves.)	Plan: A: Prue; Q: Who helps Max short out the bomb that the thieves are using to force their co-operation? A: a magical distress call; Q: What does Prue get from Max? A: Max; Q: Who is the young witch Prue gets a distress call from? A: two thieves; Q: Who is Max forced into helping rob a bank? A: the robbery; Q: What is Max forced to take part in? A: Max's father; Q: Who is shot by the thieves? A: Leo; Q: Who heals Max's father's wound? A: a chandelier; Q: What is Leo fixing when Phoebe discovers him levitating? A: Whitelighter; Q: What is Leo's job? A: Piper; Q: Who does Leo love? A: the vault; Q: Where do the thieves get trapped? A: his wife's death; Q: What does Leo convince Max's father to get over? A: his son; Q: Who does Max's father want to be a father to? A: Helping Max; Q: What restores Prue's faith in having children? Summary: Prue gets a magical distress call from a young witch named Max who is forced into helping two thieves rob a bank and is captured and forced to take part in the robbery too. Max's father tries to intervene and is shot, and Prue and Max are forced to leave him behind. At the same time, Leo returns and while fixing a chandelier, Phoebe discovers him levitating and learns that he is a Whitelighter, guardian angels of good witches who is protecting Max by directing Prue to him. He truly loves Piper, but it is forbidden and he needs to figure out how to break up with her. Prue gets Max to short out the bomb that the thieves are using to force their co-operation and trap them in the vault. As Max's father lies dying, Leo arrives and heals his wound and convinces him to get over his wife's death and be a father to his son. Helping Max restores Prue's faith in having children.
•I do not own the characters or situations of BTVS, and I claim no credit for the content of this episode. I have merely transcribed what appeared on my screen, with help from the closed captions. •I prefer that you link to this transcript on the Psyche site rather than post it on your site, but you can post it on your site if you want, as long as you keep my name and email address on it. Please also keep my disclaimers intact. •You can use my transcripts in your fanfiction stories; you don't have to ask my permission. (However, if you use large portions of episode dialogue in your fanfic, I recommend you give credit to the person who wrote the episode.) •I apologize in advance for my lame transcription of the fight scenes. I don't know the names of different punches and kicks. Use your imagination. [SCENE_BREAK] GILES VOICEOVER: Previously: Buffy in ninja-wear busting into Spike's crypt. SPIKE: Buffy. If I'd-a known you were coming, I'd-a baked a cake. BUFFY: Tell me you love me. SPIKE: I love you. BUFFY: Tell me you want me. SPIKE: I always want you. Buffy and Spike lying on the coffin, kissing. Xander and Anya in the magic shop. XANDER: Anya, you wanna marry me? ANYA: Yes. Xander and Anya announcing their engagement. XANDER: We're getting married. BUFFY: Congratulations. Xander and Anya in the Bronze. XANDER: Wedding. One week. We have friends, family, demons flying in, a to-do list getting no shorter. Tara in the bedroom. TARA: Can, can we not do this now? Willow crying. TARA: I don't think this is gonna work. WILLOW: Are you saying you're gonna leave me? Tara packing her things. Dawn and Willow in the Bronze. DAWN: Big wedding coming up ... you and Tara are speaking again. You wanna call her? Invite her over? WILLOW: Oh, no. Too soon for so bold a maneuver. Buffy and Spike in the crypt. BUFFY: It's over. SPIKE: I've memorized this tune, luv. BUFFY: I'm using you. And it's killing me. I'm sorry, William. Buffy walking away from Spike. Dawn and Halfrek in the guidance counselor office. HALFREK: I know there's been a lot of loss. DAWN: People have a tendency to go away, and sometimes I wish I could just make them stop. Dawn closing the door to the Summers house. Halfrek standing on the porch. HALFREK: Wish granted. [SCENE_BREAK] Teaser [SCENE_BREAK] Open on close shot of Buffy's and Willow's faces, in a room, staring at something offscreen. Outside the window, lightning flashes and thunder rumbles. WILLOW: (horrified) Buffy, it's hideous. Oh my god, Buffy. Look at its arms! BUFFY: (nods bravely) I know. But it's my duty. Cut to a longer shot. We see both Buffy and Willow reflected in the full-length mirror in Buffy's bedroom. They both wear extremely ugly dresses of some shiny teal fabric. Buffy's dress has short sleeves and Willow's has elbow-length sleeves. There are ruffles on all the sleeves and on the skirts from knee to floor. Each dress also has a large green flower over the heart. Buffy's hair is up in a bun and a large white flower is attached to one side of her head. BUFFY: I'm ... Buffy the bridesmaid. (flash of lightning, clap of thunder) WILLOW: (disgusted) Duty-schmuty. I'm supposed to be best man. Shouldn't I be all ... Marlene Dietrich-y in a dashing tuxedo number? BUFFY: No. WILLOW: Oh. (pouts) BUFFY: That would be totally unfair. We must share equally in the cosmic joke that is bridesmaids-dom. Buffy groans and sits down on the bed. WILLOW: (whining) Well, maybe ... if I ask Anya, I can still go with the traditional ... blood larva and burlap. (Buffy putting on earrings) I mean, she was a, a vengeance demon for like a thousand years, she would know all the most flattering ... larvae. (makes a face) What was she thinking? BUFFY: I think she's probably too stressed to be thinking right now. What with Xander's relatives and her ... demons. WILLOW: Oh my god, last night, that rehearsal dinner. That was like a, a zoo without the table manners. And I bet it got worse after we left. BUFFY: I just can't believe everyone bought that story about Anya's people being circus folk. Did you see the guy with the tentacles? What's he supposed to be? Inky the Squid Boy? WILLOW: And Xander's family. I haven't seen them that bad since my bat mitzvah. Ugh, did you see how much they drank? BUFFY: Kinda. Mr. Harris threw up in my purse. Willow makes a sympathetic face. Anya appears in the doorway, wearing a bathrobe. She sees the other two, gasps and puts her hands to her mouth. ANYA: Oh! Buffy and Willow exchange a look, unsure whether Anya is delighted or horrified. ANYA: Ohh. (sighs) You guys look so beautiful! She walks over and hugs them both at the same time. ANYA: This is the happiest day of my whole life! Lightning flashes again. Across Anya's back, Willow and Buffy exchange another look. Willow looks annoyed, Buffy tolerant. XANDER VOICEOVER: You seen my cuff-links, Uncle Rory? Cut to Xander's apartment. Xander stands near the kitchen nook, wearing a tuxedo shirt (only partially buttoned) and black pants. We see an older man in a purple bathrobe, red boxers, and no shirt, fiddling with the coffee machine. XANDER: Little metal deals, hold my sleeves together? (holds up his hands so we can see the open cuffs) UNCLE RORY: Ah, you don't want those. What you really want is Velcro. Did I ever tell you how that was my idea? KRELVIN: 'Scuse me, coming through. A demon (Krelvin) goes by, patting Xander on the back. He is almost normal-looking except for his extremely warty face. Uncle Rory opens a drawer and pokes around. In background we see a large middle-aged woman (Cousin Carol) pouring cereal into a bowl for a little girl (Karen). KRELVIN: (to Xander) Hey. XANDER: Hey! KRELVIN: How you doin'? XANDER: Good. Krelvin proceeds toward the refrigerator. Closer shot of Cousin Carol and Karen staring. Krelvin opens the fridge. XANDER: Rory? Whatcha doin' there? UNCLE RORY: (bending over, fiddling with the coffee machine) Well, I'm trying to make myself an Irish coffee, but this stupid thing is on the fritz. XANDER: Yeah, uh, watch it, it's still plugged in. Suddenly Uncle Rory straightens up and begins to shake as if he's electrocuting. Xander lunges forward to unplug the coffee machine. Uncle Rory stops shaking. UNCLE RORY: Gotcha. Xander rolls his eyes, exasperated. Little Karen takes a hit from an asthma inhaler. KRELVIN: (closing fridge) Oh, is, is that broken? You want me to take a look at that? UNCLE RORY: Knock yourself out there, Kevin. (moves the coffee maker to the edge of the counter) KRELVIN: Uh, it's, uh, Krelvin. UNCLE RORY: Right, right. Krelvin. The door opens and two more middle-aged people enter, dressed for rainy weather. The woman (Xander's Mom, Jessica Harris) has on a long coat, and a scarf tied around her head. The man (Xander's Dad, Anthony Harris) wears a tuxedo with a raincoat over it. MRS. HARRIS: Whoo! (waving at everyone) MR. HARRIS: (tapping his watch) Xander, you're not ready yet? (Xander rolling his eyes) MRS. HARRIS: Look at my hair. (looking at her reflection in a compact) Of course, I suppose it doesn't really matter, 'cause I won't actually be in any of the pictures. XANDER: (exasperated) You'll be in the pictures, Mom. KRELVIN: I think your hair looks lovely. (resumes examining the coffee machine) MRS. HARRIS: Oh. Xander's Dad looks annoyed. XANDER: Hey, hey, how's about some breakfast? (Uncle Rory walks by, gives Xander's Dad a coffee mug) MRS. HARRIS: Oh, well, I guess if I'm a little plump it doesn't matter, since I won't really be- XANDER: You'll be in the pictures, Mom! MR. HARRIS: (gestures with coffee cup toward Krelvin) That's one of hers, right? (to Krelvin) Hey. You're one of hers, right? XANDER: You met Krelvin already, Dad. Last night. KRELVIN: Yeah. Yeah, uh, we met. You, uh, you said I resembled your mother-in-law. MRS. HARRIS: Tony! MR. HARRIS: (remembering) Oh, yeah. KRELVIN: And then, you hit me with a cocktail wiener, and then you insulted my heritage. MR. HARRIS: Heritage? Being circus folks is suddenly heritage now? I mean no disrespect, of course. (shot of Xander looking resigned as his mother buttons his shirt) I'm sure you come from a long, proud line of geeks. Mr. Harris is amused. Xander isn't. He brushes past his father toward the door. MR. HARRIS: I'm kidding. Just kidding. COUSIN CAROL: Xander? Xander! Cousin Carol hurries up to Xander as he's trying to escape. COUSIN CAROL: (softly) You know that guy Kevin? If he could clear up the skin problem... do you think... (sighs) Do you suppose he'd date a woman with a kid? (Xander staring at her) I mean, I really can't afford to be very picky. XANDER: Cousin Carol? Your earrings are my cufflinks. COUSIN CAROL: They are? (puts hands to her ears) Oh my. Oops. She takes off the "earrings" and hands them over. XANDER: Excellent. (calls toward the others) Cufflinks: check. We're rolling. Nothing on earth can stop this wedding now. Cut to: exterior Sunnydale, business district. It's pouring rain. The streets are deserted. Suddenly the outline of a man appears, in red, walking. It turns into an actual man. He is elderly, wears a raincoat and holds an umbrella. He pauses, looks around, opens the umbrella and holds it over his head, resumes walking. Lightning flashes, thunder rumbles. Wolf howl. Opening credits. Guest starring Casey Sander, Kali Rocha, Andy Umberger, Lee Garlington, Jan Hoag, George D. Wallace, Amber Benson as Tara, and Steven Gilborn. Written by Rebecca Rand Kirshner, directed by David Solomon. [SCENE_BREAK] Act I [SCENE_BREAK] Open on close shot of Xander's waist with the tuxedo shirt tucked into the pants and the cummerbund covering it. XANDER: (panting) Is it too small? Cut out to reveal Buffy standing behind Xander, trying to fasten the cummerbund. Buffy is wearing the tuxedo jacket over her bridesmaid dress. BUFFY: (unconvincingly) Nah. XANDER: (nervous) It fit when I picked up the tux. How could it not fit now? BUFFY: (pulling) It'll fit. XANDER: Aw, man, what if it doesn't? (looking at himself in a mirror) What if I can't wear my cummerbund, (panicking) and then the whole world can see the place where my pants meet my shirt? Buffy, that can NOT happen. I must wear das cummerbund! Sound of fabric straining as Buffy pulls hard on the cummerbund. BUFFY: (strained) And so... you... shall! She finishes fastening it and removes her hands, smiling triumphantly. XANDER: Hey, you got it! (turning to face her) BUFFY: (smiling) Slayer strength. Buffy takes a bow-tie from around her neck and puts it around Xander's neck, begins tying it. XANDER: And I've been meaning to cut back on that habit-forming oxygen. BUFFY: Look at you. You look great, Mr. About-To-Get-Married. (smiling) Glowing. Beat while Buffy continues trying to tie the bow-tie. Suddenly she stops smiling. BUFFY: Oh my god! Maybe you're pregnant! XANDER: (grins) Maybe. I dunno. Maybe I'm just happy. Buffy looks at him, starts to well up. XANDER: (concerned) Teary. BUFFY: Oh! (sniffles) Good. Good teary. XANDER: Happy teary? Not frustrated with bow-tie teary? BUFFY: (still fiddling with bow tie) Yes. Happy. Happy for you. That makes me happy for me. You and Anya give me hope. It's like ... you two are proof that there's light at the end of this very long, long, nasty tunnel. And, I cannot tie this tie. Isn't, where's your best man, isn't she supposed to do this? XANDER: Well, she said she had something important to do. Cut to: close shot of Anya's waist, wearing bridal gown. Hands attempting to button the tiny buttons all up the back of the gown. Pan up to reveal that it's Tara trying to button the gown while Willow stands watching. WILLOW: Want me to hold it shut for you? TARA: O-okay. They both smile nervously. Willow reaches over to hold the edges of the gown shut. ANYA: (OS) Are you guys even listening? Cut to close shot on Anya. Her shoulders are bare and she wears an eye-mask over her face. Her hair is in curlers. We still don't see the bridal gown. ANYA: I need feedback, people. TARA: Sorry. Please continue with the vows. (smiling at Willow) ANYA: (clears throat) 'I, Anya, promise to ... love you, to cherish you, (Willow kneeling down to work on the dress) ...to honor you, uh, but not to obey you, of course, because that's anachronistic and misogynistic and who do you think you are, like a sea captain or something?' Tara and Willow grin in amusement and giggle a little, exchanging a look behind Anya's back. ANYA: 'However, I do entrust you with...' (pauses, hears the others chuckling) What? Is something funny? TARA: No, n-nothing, sweetie, just, just keep still. (smiling at Willow) ANYA: (clears throat) Okay. Blah, blah, blah, misogynistic. Blah, blah, 'I do however entrust you ... um, with my heart. Take care of my heart, won't you please? Take care of it because, it's all that I have. And, if you let me, I'll take care of your heart too.' Willow and Tara exchange another look, less giggly, more moved. ANYA: 'I'll protect it and tend to it, like a little stray.' Wait, no. 'Like a, a little mangy stray that needs a home.' (Willow and Tara amused again) No, that's not it either. TARA: Um... (clears throat) I think we're all set here. Let's ... take a look at you. Anya turns around as Willow and Tara step back, standing side by side. They both gaze at Anya with open mouths. TARA: Oh. WILLOW: Wow. You look lovely. Really... lovely. Anya smiles, turns away from them again to face the mirror. We finally get a full-body shot of her in the bridal gown. It's white, strapless, fitted down to the knees then flaring out into the train. Anya is standing on a low platform in front of the mirror. ANYA: Thanks. It's probably the blush of imprudent spending. Do you think Xander will like it? (turns back to them, nervously) Oh, I want to see Xander now! WILLOW: You can't. It's bad luck for the groom to see the bride in her dress, remember? ANYA: Right. I can't keep all these ridiculous traditions straight. What if I'm not wearing my dress when I see him? (Willow giving her a scolding look) Okay, no sx. Cuddling? (Willow and Tara giggling) Okay. It's just I'm so excited and I want to share it all with my best friend. (excited) I get to be with my best friend forever! (squealing) Yay! Cut to: exterior shot of the wedding location. The sign above the doors reads: "Sunnydale Bison's Lodge." Cars are pulling up, people are walking in the two sets of double-doors. It's still raining and the guests have umbrellas, etc. Cut to inside the lobby. Guests arriving, ushers taking their coats, people standing around chatting, etc. Pan over to where Uncle Rory is standing with his arm around a young blonde woman, who wears a black-and-white caterer's uniform. Dawn stands there with them, wearing the ugly green bridesmaid dress. UNCLE RORY: Guess who agreed to be my date for tonight. CATERER: I'm really supposed to be working. I'm one of the caterers? UNCLE RORY: Oh, hush, hush. No woman of mine is gonna work. All you have to do is sit pretty, and laugh when I tell a good one. Tell her what a funny guy I am, Dawnie. DAWN: (quickly) Gotta go. (nervous laugh) Enjoy the wedding. Dawn makes her escape. Uncle Rory laughs, turns around. He still has his arm around the caterer's shoulders so she is forced to turn with him. UNCLE RORY: (noticing something) Oh. Bad head. CATERER: What? We see a large bison head mounted on the wall. It wears a bridal veil. UNCLE RORY: Well, the lip wasn't split right. (lets her go, walks over to the head) You see, what you gotta do is you gotta grab the lip between your thumb and your finger, and then you have to slice right through the center of the meat. He makes demonstrating gestures. The caterer nods politely. Then he puts his arm around her again. UNCLE RORY: It was my trade. (leading her away) I used to stuff things. I still do. But only for fun. Cut to Dawn moving through the crowd. A couple of goth-types nod politely at her. She smiles at them, then gets to the front door just as D'Hoffryn enters, carrying a bright orange box with a purple bow. He gives his umbrella to an attendant and looks at Dawn. D'HOFFRYN: Ah. Hymen's greetings. DAWN: Hy - what? D'HOFFRYN: Hymen, the God of Matrimony. His salutations upon you. May the love we celebrate today avoid an almost inevitable decline. DAWN: (shrugging) Cool. D'HOFFRYN: I brought a gift. I suppose there's a table. Behind him we see Halfrek entering, giving her umbrella to the attendant. She is wearing a bridesmaid's dress and her demon face. DAWN: Oh, uh... (noticing Halfrek) Halfrek. Hello. HALFREK: Oh, please! Call me Hallie, we're practically family now. DAWN: (displeased) Hmm. Neat. (to D'Hoffryn) I can put this on the table for you. D'HOFFRYN: (giving her the box) Thank you. Uh, careful, it's, uh- DAWN: Fragile? D'HOFFRYN: Squirmy. Dawn looks at the box. We see that it has numerous holes in it. A tentacle pokes out of one of them, making Dawn jump and gasp. DAWN: Oh. Looking a bit nervous, she turns away, carrying the box. Halfrek falls in step beside her. D'Hoffryn follows behind. HALFREK: So, Dawnie, how's everything? Going good? Nothing you, uh, nothing you wish* was different...? D'HOFFRYN: Hallie, for Yekk's sake, take a day off. We're not here to do vengeance, we're here to mingle. Close shot on the box as Dawn puts it down on a table. The tentacles continue poking out. HALFREK: (OS) Oh, look. It's (unintelligible) Dawn finishes dealing with the box and turns toward the door. Long shot of Spike entering, with his arm around a Skanky Goth Girl. He looks around, super-casual. Dawn spots him and walks toward him. DAWN: Spike! SPIKE: (turns) Oh. Uh, I want you to meet my date. DAWN: (politely) Hi. I'm Dawn. (shaking hands) SKANKY GOTH GIRL: Uh-huh. SPIKE: (still trying to be cool) So, yeah. Anyway, that's my date. She's with me. My date for the wedding. DAWN: (not getting it) Yeah. Okay, well, nice meeting you. They move off in opposite directions. The camera continues following Dawn through the crowd. There's a mixture of regular people and demons. Dawn passes a small group that includes Cousin Carol, Xander's Mom, Uncle Rory, and two demons. One has tentacles on his face and huge clawed hands like lobster claws. The other is Clem. COUSIN CAROL: So, circus folk. What's that like? UNCLE RORY: Uh, your friend, uh, the, the fellow with the warts, went off on his circus 'heritage,' like you folks are all in some kind of cult or something. CLEM: Well, there are ancient ways. (the others staring at him) Clowning, as an occupation, grew out of the commedia del'arte, and, uh, ancient sports, of course. (Cousin Carol nodding, smiling) UNCLE RORY: Yeah, well, the thing is, if you expect Xander to bring up his kids in some kinda foreign-speaky bow-to-the-easty kinda cult- TENTACLE DEMON: So you think the children should be raised in ignorance of our ways? (Xander's Mom looking nervous) COUSIN CAROL: No! No, the Harrises are very broad-minded. We're Episcopalians. Shot of Xander's Mom smiling nervously. In background, we see her husband sitting at the bar holding a glass. MR. HARRIS: 'Til death do us part. (cut to closer shot as he laughs sourly) That's what cracks me up. He drains his glass and puts it down on the bar. MR. HARRIS: Hit me again, barkeep. In the crowd, we see the old man from before. He walks among the people, looking around, looking anxious. Cut to another room. Xander is now fully dressed with properly tied bow-tie, jacket, corsage in the jacket pocket, hair neatly combed. He finishes adjusting the jacket and takes a deep breath. XANDER: How do I look? Reveal Buffy sitting in a chair in front of him. BUFFY: Well, let's see. (looking him slowly up from feet to head) Found your shoes ... your fly's zipped. I'd say you look like you're ready to get married. Xander nods nervously. Buffy gets up and walks over to him. BUFFY: You're one of the decent ones, Xander. I hope I'm as lucky as you guys someday. XANDER: You wanna get lucky? I've still got, what, fifteen, twenty minutes? Buffy smiles, hugs him. BUFFY: Oh! All right. (pulls back) Into the breach with you. XANDER: Okay, breach me. Buffy takes his hand and they head toward the door. XANDER: Now, let's go over the list one more time. Number one? Cut to the corridor as they emerge and begin to walk. BUFFY: Don't let your dad near the bar. XANDER: Check. Number two? BUFFY: Don't let your mom near the bar. XANDER: Check. DAWN: (OS) Hey Buffy. Xander and Buffy turn as Dawn comes around a corner behind them. They don't stop walking. Dawn falls in with them. DAWN: Spike's here and he brought a total skank. BUFFY: (confused) A- DAWN: Skank! A manic-panicked freak who he's like totally macking with right in the middle of the room. (they stop walking) I saw him shove his tongue- BUFFY: Spike brought a date? DAWN: Yeah. (snickering) Wait till you see her. Buffy looks like she isn't sure how she feels about that. XANDER: Guys, I better go meet and greet. BUFFY: Uh, just go ahead. I'll be a sec. Xander walks off. Dawn and Buffy watch him go. Xander gets to the doors leading out into the main lodge area. The doors are closed. He pauses for a moment, composing himself, taking a deep breath. Then reaches for the doorknob. Cut to the lobby. Xander opens the door and peeks out. Then moves into the room, closing the door behind him. A guy comes up to him and shakes his hand. He smiles and nods. Other people notice Xander, turn to smile at him, pat his back, shake his hand, say "congratulations" etc. Xander moves through the crowd. An elderly woman starts pinching Xander's cheeks. His mom comes up. MRS. HARRIS: Alexander. Do you realize that the usher sat us in the third row? XANDER: Mom, I'm sure it was a mistake. MRS. HARRIS: Well, I-I don't think it was really- The creepy old man comes over, as does Uncle Rory. OLD MAN: Excuse me. UNCLE RORY: Say Neph, do you know where the photographer is? I've got a proposition for him- OLD MAN: (tugging Xander's arm) Please, I really need to talk to you. DAWN: (OS) Xander? MRS. HARRIS: Honey, listen to me. Xander is surrounded and looks a bit overwhelmed. Dawn comes hurrying over. DAWN: Xander, one of Anya's presents got loose! XANDER: Got loose? MRS. HARRIS: It's fine- (unintelligible) DAWN: Yeah, it's a fully live squiggily thingy (Xander's mom still talking) and hey, and why is Halfrek a bridesmaid? OLD MAN: Please, please, you have to listen. (pulls Xander away) You have to listen to me! Dawn, Rory, and Xander's Mom continue talking over each other as the old man pulls Xander a few feet away. OLD MAN: You can't get married today. It's a huge mistake. XANDER: Yeah right, thanks for the advice, Uncle ... help me here? OLD MAN: Uncle? You don't recognize me, do you? XANDER: I'm sorry, I don't- OLD MAN: It sounds crazy, I know. But you have to believe me. (Xander looking puzzled) I'm Xander Harris. I'm you. Xander stares at him. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act II [SCENE_BREAK] Same scene. XANDER: What do you mean, you're me? OLD MAN: I'm you. I'm you from the future. XANDER: Oh, from the future! For a minute I thought you were a nutball but now that you're from the future- OLD MAN: (agitated) Please, listen to me. I found a way back to warn you. To tell you- XANDER: Hey, hey, easy, easy. Everything's going to be all right. MR. HARRIS: (OS) Toast! XANDER: (looks over his shoulder) I swear I told that guy no drinks before the ceremony. MR. HARRIS: (OS) Toast! We see Mr. Harris at the bar, standing up and raising his glass as the other guests look over. MR. HARRIS: A toast! To the Harris clan. OLD MAN: Look. Look! I can prove it to you. MR. HARRIS: (faintly in background) I know in the past we've had our problems... The old man reaches into his pants pocket and takes out a small glowing purple orb. Xander's Dad continues talking in the background. OLD MAN: I thought you might need convincing. Come on. Follow me. He leads Xander away. Xander looks over his shoulder at his dad, who continues talking, quite drunk. MR. HARRIS: ...and to my wife, Jessica. Where are you, honey? He looks around. Mrs. Harris is standing amongst the others, looking embarrassed. Uncle Rory points at her. MR. HARRIS: There she is. (raising glass) To my wife. What would I do without you, beautiful? Mrs. Harris looks a bit surprised, smiles. MR. HARRIS: Wellllllll, for starters, I probably wouldn't need to drink so much, would I. Mrs. Harris looks hurt. The other guests look uncomfortable. MR. HARRIS: On the brighter side, marriage has probably saved me from a nasty dose of the clap. (chuckles) Here's to ya. (drinks) We see Clem and the Tentacle Demon standing side-by-side nearby. CLEM: Does this jerk ever shut up? TENTACLE DEMON: He's starting to make my suckers twitch. MR. HARRIS: And a toast ... to the bride's dermatologically-challenged family shrub. TENTACLE DEMON: Sit down! MR. HARRIS: Hey, I paid for all this! You want me to sit down, you cough up a couple of grand, Squidly. The Tentacle Demon starts toward Mr. Harris, angry. TENTACLE DEMON: What'd you call me, you drunken piece of sh- BUFFY: Mazel tov! Buffy appears and grabs Mr. Harris's arm, leading him away just in time. They walk off as Clem moves to placate the tentacle demon. MR. HARRIS: Hey, what's this? BUFFY: (super-cheerful) You must be so happy for Xander on his very special, once-in-a-lifetime day, huh, Mr. Harris? MR. HARRIS: (ogling her) Nice chassis, what's under the hood? Rrowr! BUFFY: You know, I could use a strong cup of coffee. Hey, let's get you one too, what do you say? MR. HARRIS: Did you used to own a little square pinkish purse? BUFFY: (less cheerful, sighs) I did. As they pass by, we see Spike standing by a wall with his skanky date. He watches Buffy go by. MR. HARRIS: I thought so. Hey, what do you say we slip in the back room and I show you my- BUFFY: You finish that sentence and I guarantee you won't have anything to show. Mr. Harris stares at Buffy. She yanks his arm, pulling him away. Cut to another room. The old man enters, still holding the glass orb (no longer glowing). Xander follows. They walk into the middle of the room and face each other. The old man holds the orb in both hands. XANDER: What is it? OLD MAN: It's magic. (The orb begins to glow again) Very powerful. Look at it. You'll see what I've seen. Feel what I've felt. Xander stares at the orb. It continues to glow with a strong purple light. Suddenly the light shoots in a beam from the orb onto Xander's forehead. Then he seems to morph into the beam of light and gets sucked back into the orb. Cut to: a messy living room. An ironing board piled with clothes, stuff on the floor, etc. In background we see a foyer and a door to the outside. It's sunny. In foreground there's a big leather-covered armchair. The stream of light appears and resolves into Xander, sitting in the chair, holding a bottle of beer in one hand and a TV remote in the other. He still wears his tuxedo. Shot of the TV, showing a football game. XANDER: (calls) Anya. No reply. He sits staring at the TV for a beat. XANDER: Anya! Two children come running in. The boy is a little older, about ten and the girl is about eight. The girl has bright makeup on her face and large pointed ears. SARAH: (shrieks) Get the hell away from me! Dad, Josh is teasing me. JOSH: Sarah's a weirdo! Sarah's a weirdo! Sarah whines and runs off, pursued by Josh. Anya appears in the doorway, wearing a red suit, tucking her blouse into the skirt. Her expression is bored, or resigned. ANYA: (to Xander) What. XANDER: You going out again? ANYA: (picking up a small wastebasket) I'm doing a make-over party. XANDER: I thought you hated those. ANYA: Well, one of us has to make some money. (picking up empty beer bottles) XANDER: (angry) Well, what do you want me to do, Anya? Huh? I can't work. My back is shot. ANYA: And whose fault is that? XANDER: Oh, no no no. Not the Buffy thing again. ANYA: You had no business fighting demons with her. XANDER: Buffy needed me. I had to help. ANYA: (bitterly) Well, it didn't save her, did it? (Xander drinking beer) All it did was ruin our lives. Anya turns away, puts the wastebasket down. Xander sits staring at the TV, but not seeing it, looking hurt. ANYA: (OS) I'll be late. Xander continues sitting there upset. Anya leaves out the front door, slamming it. XANDER: (yells) I hope you crash in your stupid pink car! Flash to a restaurant, years later. Xander and Anya sit on one side of a booth, their children on the other. Now Josh is about eighteen and Sarah about sixteen. Xander still wears his tux and looks the same age, but Anya looks about fifty. Josh is staring at a Palm Pilot or similar device in his hand. Xander is drinking red wine. He pauses, looks at Anya who's looking at him. XANDER: What? SARAH: (OS) I hate this place. Anya shakes her head at Xander as if to say 'nothing'. We see that Sarah's large floppy demon ears are much bigger now, and have many piercings. SARAH: You guys know I don't eat wheat. JOSH: You don't eat anything, freak. SARAH: At least I'm not a mama's boy. JOSH: At least I'm not a demonic freak. SARAH: Dad, make him cut it! XANDER: Maybe you should talk to your mother about that. ANYA: You've had too much wine. XANDER: Have I? (angry) I'm just saying maybe you should talk to your daughter! SARAH: Ohh, I hate you guys! (standing up) And I know that you're not my real dad, and I hate you, I hate you both! I wish you'd die! Sarah storms off. Anya continues eating. Xander takes another sip of wine. JOSH: This sucks. Flash to a kitchen, even more years later. The sink is piled with dirty dishes. XANDER: (O.S.) If you were so unhappy, why didn't you just leave? ANYA: (O.S.) I wanted to. I should have! Pan over to a small table against a wall. Xander and Anya sit there, facing each other across the table. He is still in his tux and still the same age. Anya is much older. XANDER: Yeah, you should have. 'Cause then maybe I would have gotten some touch in the past twenty years. ANYA: I wasn't the one who stopped touching! XANDER: Oh! Maybe, but you weren't touching me! He jumps up angrily, begins to pace. ANYA: What did you expect me to do? You wouldn't come near me after Buffy- XANDER: (shouts) Don't bring her into this! ANYA: Fine. Forget her. Maybe you were just born to be a bitter, angry old man. XANDER: (quietly, very angry) Shut up. ANYA: No! (tearfully) I want my life back! If I hadn't married you I wouldn't have had to hate myself for the last THIRTY YEARS! Xander grabs a frying pan off the stove and lunges toward Anya, screaming. XANDER: SHUT UP! As he swings the frying pan toward her face, we flash back to the present. The purple light clears away from Xander's face. Shot of the orb in the old man's hands. The light goes back into it and it stops glowing. Xander is panting, looks shocked. OLD MAN: I'm so sorry. I didn't want to show you. XANDER: What happened? What was that? OLD MAN: A glimpse of your future. Harnessed ... by magic. XANDER: Is she okay? (panicky) Is she okay, what did I do?! OLD MAN: Listen. I don't have long here. The spell that brought me back, it won't last. (Xander still looking shell-shocked) But you can change things. It doesn't have to go like this. But you can't marry Anya. XANDER: But- OLD MAN: You'll hurt her less today than you will later. Believe me. Sometimes, two people ... all they bring each other ... is pain. Xander stares at him, horrified. Cut to the lobby. Buffy walks by. Most of the guests have taken their seats in the main room. There are short white pedestals holding vases of flowers at the entrance to the aisle. Buffy walks along the corridor, pauses as she spots something up ahead. Reveal Spike, leaning against a wall. His skanky date is nowhere to be seen. He looks up, notices Buffy, looks down at the floor. Buffy looks nervous, steels herself and walks over to him. SPIKE: (quietly) Hello, Buffy. BUFFY: Hey. SPIKE: It's a happy occasion. You meet my friend? BUFFY: No. Not yet. But she seems like a very nice attempt at making me jealous. SPIKE: (small smile) Is it working? BUFFY: (quietly) A little. It doesn't change anything ... but if you're wildly curious, yeah, it hurts. SPIKE: (softly) I'm sorry. (remembers himself) Or, Good! Buffy smiles a little. SPIKE: You want us to go? BUFFY: No. No, I ... you have every right to be here. I pretty much deserve- SPIKE: That's not true, you... (sighs, looks at the ceiling) God, this is hard. BUFFY: Yeah. SPIKE: (sighs) I think we'll go. BUFFY: Go where? To your place? SPIKE: (not thrilled) Yeah, I suppose. That was the idea. BUFFY: Yeah. SPIKE: (defensively) Evil. BUFFY: Of course. SPIKE: But I won't. Or I... (frustrated) I'll just go. Give 'em my best or whatever. The happy couple. BUFFY: I will. SPIKE: (quietly) It's nice to watch you be happy. For them, even. I don't see it a lot. You, uh... you glow. BUFFY: (smiles) That's because the dress is radioactive. Spike snorts. They share an amused moment. BUFFY: I should... SPIKE: Yeah. She starts to walk past him. SPIKE: But it hurts? She stops, turns back. BUFFY: Yeah. SPIKE: (quietly) Thanks. He turns and walks off. Buffy watches him go. BUFFY: (to herself) You're welcome. We see Spike a bit farther down the hall, finding his date. He grabs her hand. SPIKE: Let's go then. SKANKY GOTH GIRL: What about the wedding? SPIKE: Let's just piss off, all right? He pulls her out the door. Cut to the Bison Lodge kitchen. Xander is pacing back and forth, staring at the floor, still upset. Willow appears in the doorway, sees him and smiles. She walks toward him. WILLOW: I'll say this for the Y chromosome ... looks good in a tux. XANDER: (tries to smile) Well, your double X's don't look too bad there, either. WILLOW: (fiddles with his clothing) You're getting married. My little Xander. XANDER: All growed up. WILLOW: It's a good thing I realized I was gay, otherwise, hey, you, me and formal wear... Xander gives a small smile and hugs her. Over her shoulder, his face looks very conflicted. WILLOW: Do you know how much I love you? XANDER: Mmm ... 'bout half as much as I love you. Willow smiles, pulls out of the hug. WILLOW: (smiling) You ready for the long walk? XANDER: Um ... yeah, just give me a sec, I wanna work on my vows. WILLOW: Take your time. It's not like we can start the wedding without you. She smiles at him and leaves. Xander watches her go, dropping his brave smile. Cut to the bridal room. Anya has her hair out of curlers now, pulled back and covered with the veil. She also wears a thin silver necklace. ANYA: 'I, Anya, promise to cherish you...' Ew, no, not cherish. Uh, 'I promise...' We see Tara sitting on a sofa nearby, observing, looking a little bored. ANYA: '...to have sx with you whenever ... I* want, and, uh... (walking down off the platform) uh, pledge to be your friend, and your wife, and your confidant, and your sx poodle...' TARA: Uh, sx poodle? ANYA: Yeah, why? TARA: Um, I'm not sure you should say 'sx poodle' in your vows. ANYA: Huh. Cut to the main room. A string quartet begins to play. The guests look around, expectant. Cut back to the bridal room. Anya hears the music faintly, looks excited. ANYA: Music. They're playing the music! This is it. She smiles with major excitement. The door opens and Buffy pokes her head in. BUFFY: Are you ready to go? But before Anya can answer, something pulls Buffy back into the hall. Cut to the hallway. Buffy pulls the door closed as she turns to look at Willow, who had pulled her away. WILLOW: He's gone. Xander disappeared! Buffy stares in dismay. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act III [SCENE_BREAK] Same scene. BUFFY: What? Xander's gone? (anxious) Wha-what should we do? WILLOW: I'm gonna go look for him ... I'm gonna find him. A-and you're going to stall. Willow rushes off. Buffy looks very nervous. She turns back to the door. Cut back to the bridal room. Buffy re-enters. BUFFY: Uh, heh, sorry about that. Um... (closes the door) there's just gonna be a little bit of a delay. ANYA: Why? What's wrong? BUFFY: Nothing! (Tara comes up beside Buffy) Nothing's wrong, it's just, um, it, the, the, minister. He had, uh ... to go ... and perform an emergency C-section. ANYA: A C-section? (Tara looking very dubious) BUFFY: Yeah! You know, he's, uh, not, not just a minister, he's also a, a doctor. You know, he's half-minister, half-doctor, he's a-a mini-tor. Not, of course, to be confused with a minotaur! Because he's all, you know, man, this doctor minister man, no, no bull parts whatsoever. ANYA: (turns away to primp in the mirror) Uh-huh. BUFFY: So it, it should just be a couple of minutes. ANYA: Okay. Buffy fidgets for a moment, opens the door and leaves. Tara continues standing there looking nervous. ANYA: (still looking in mirror, clears throat) Okay. (turns to face Tara) For the last time. 'I, Anya, want to marry you, Xander, because ... I love you and I'll always love you. And ... before I knew you, I was like a completely different person. Not even a person, really...' Cut to the street. Xander walks along in the rain, still wearing his tux, getting soaked. ANYA VOICEOVER: '...and I had seen what love could do to people, and it was ... hurt and sadness. Alone was better. And then, suddenly there was you, and ... you knew me. You saw me, and it was this ... thing. You make me feel safe and warm.' Cut back to the bridal room. ANYA: 'So, I get it now. I finally get love, Xander. I really do.' Cut to the main room. The guests are restless, fidgeting in their seats. All the demons are seated to the left of the aisle and the Harrises on the right -- except that Clem also sits on the right side. KAREN: I'm bored. COUSIN CAROL: It's a wedding, honey. We're all bored. Buffy appears at the end of the aisle, coming to tell everyone about the delay. Seeing her, the string quartet begins to play the wedding march ("Here Comes the Bride"). Everyone turns to look. Buffy is flustered, waves at the musicians, making throat-cutting gestures, trying to get them to stop. BUFFY: No! No, it isn't ... (to guests, nervously) It's not what you think. She hurries toward the altar. Cousin Carol wipes her eyes with a handkerchief. COUSIN CAROL: (tearfully) Beautiful. Buffy goes up onto the dais to talk to the minister, putting her hand over the microphone to muffle it. The guests observe. Close shot of Cousin Carol giving a small flirty smile across the aisle. Pan over to Krelvin, returning the smile bashfully. Buffy finishes talking to the minister, puts on a huge fake smile and goes back down the aisle. The musicians begin to play the recessional music. Buffy glares at them, and they stop. The guests get even more restless. Mr. Harris gets up and leaves. Mrs. Harris watches him angrily. Cut to the bridal room. Anya is pacing angrily. ANYA: I mean, I am sorry, but what the hell is that minister thinking? TARA: Uh, I don't know, he- ANYA: I mean, delivering a baby! On my special day! I mean, it's totally rude of him and the mother. I mean, why couldn't he have just told her to hold it? Cut back to the main room. The guests are extremely fidgety. Cut to the lobby. Mr. Harris sits on a bar stool, tapping his fingers on the bar. Mrs. Harris stands nearby. MR. HARRIS: Gimme a double Jack. MRS. HARRIS: This is a disaster. MR. HARRIS: It's that Anya, I know it. She made us pay for the whole thing and now she's going to louse it up. Women! MRS. HARRIS: (annoyed) I offered to help. She didn't want my help. Cut to the main room. Everyone fidgets. Karen is using her inhaler. Cousin Carol gets up and walks off. Angle on Halfrek in the front row, with D'Hoffryn behind her. HALFREK: This thing totally isn't happening. We should have known that she would never, ever- D'HOFFRYN: I'm worried about Anya. HALFREK: (bitterly) Oh, sure. Of course you are. D'HOFFRYN: Oh, Halfrek. (leans forward and puts hands on her shoulder) You know I love all my demons equally. Halfrek looks mollified. Cousin Carol hurries up to Buffy, who is standing at the back of the room. COUSIN CAROL: Buffy, you've gotta do something. Buffy looks dismayed. Cut to: close shot of the microphone on the stage. A hand reaches out and removes the mike from its stand. Reveal Buffy looking out at the crowd. BUFFY: (fake cheer) So ... who here's from out of town? The guests stare at her. Beat. Then Clem raises his hand, grinning. Cut to a doorway somewhere nearby. Dawn is talking to a teenage demon who has small curved horns on his forehead. They each hold a fruity drink. DEMON TEEN: My family is worse. DAWN: (scoffs) No way. Mine is so messed up you have no idea. DEMON TEEN: No, just wait until you see my mom dance at the reception, okay, and then tell me who's messed up. DAWN: (laughs) I guess they're all messed up. DEMON TEEN: Yeah. Everybody's pretty lame. Cut back to the main room. Buffy is still on stage, but the mike is back in its stand. Buffy holds up a finger, grinning. GUESTS: First word... Buffy puts her fingers up to her head like horns and moves from side to side. GUESTS: (guessing) Antlers? Animals? Bull! Buffy smiles, nods yes, points at the person who said "bull." Cut to the hallway. Anya walks along. Tara runs up behind her. TARA: Anya, wait up! ANYA: This bride waits for no one. If the minister's not here yet, well then we'll just have to get married without a minister. Cut to the main room. Buffy and Krelvin are on-stage. Buffy is juggling three yellow apples(?). Krelvin also begins to juggle another three. The guests applaud. Buffy stops juggling but drops one of her apples. She smiles a big fake smile and takes a small bow. Krelvin hands her another apple. Cut to the doorway where Dawn and the demon teen are. They hear the applause, look over at the main room. DEMON TEEN: Geez. What is the holdup? DAWN: Can you keep a secret? They start walking back toward the main room. DAWN: Nobody knows this, but the groom? He took off and no one can find him. They have emerged into the hallway outside the main room, and Anya goes by just in time to hear this. She stops short. Tara runs up beside her. ANYA: (turning to Dawn) What? DAWN: (uh-oh) Um... DEMON TEEN: I'll catch you later, Dawn. He bails. Dawn looks very upset. ANYA: Xander's gone? Xander is missing? (loudly) What do you mean Xander's missing?! Shot of the main room. Everyone heard Anya's last shout. They all turn around in their seats to look at her. Close shot on Buffy onstage, looking dismayed. Close shot on Anya panting, looking around in extreme anxiety. She starts forward, into the room. UNCLE RORY: (chuckles) It's a joke. Xander's playing a joke. It's like one time, at one of Carol's weddings, I had this ape suit- TENTACLE DEMON: Oh, great. UNCLE RORY: -and I put it on- TENTACLE DEMON: Another Harris family joke. The Harrises look insulted. TENTACLE DEMON: (to Mr. Harris) Why don't you* have another drink? MR. HARRIS: (slurred) Drinking ... is the only way I can dull the pain ... (stands up) of looking at your ugly face. The Tentacle Demon stands up too, and goes over to confront Mr. Harris. TENTACLE DEMON: You better think real hard about this, Harris. He slaps Mr. Harris in the chest with his big claw-like hands. MR. HARRIS: Don't touch me with those nasty circus things! The Tentacle Demon slaps him again. Mr. Harris swings at him, but he ducks. TENTACLE DEMON: That's it! The demon throws a punch back, and they both fall to the floor, punching and grunting, etc. Shot of Buffy onstage, rolling her eyes. Everyone gets up out of their seats, shrieking and so forth. A total brawl breaks out. Buffy watches in bemusement. Total chaos. Shot of Tara trying to make her way through the crowd, shrieking when some of the fighters bump into her. Willow appears, grabs Tara's hands and pulls her to a safer spot. TARA: Thanks. WILLOW: You okay? TARA: Yeah. They gaze at each other. The fight continues. Anya wanders among the brawlers, looking around. ANYA: Xander? (to fighters) Have you seen Xander? Has anyone seen Xander? Cousin Carol grabs Anya by the hand. COUSIN CAROL: Well, I saw him go in the Trophy Room with that guy! She points across the room. Long shot of the old man watching the fight. Anya looks, starts making her way toward him. She intercepts him in the corridor. ANYA: You. You were talking to Xander right before he left. What did he say to you? What did you say to him? OLD MAN: Really doesn't matter now, does it? It's done. ANYA: What's done? Did you... If you said something to make him leave... OLD MAN: You'll what? Haven't changed a bit. Still as vindictive as ever. ANYA: (frowns) Do I know you? OLD MAN: You don't recognize me, Anya? I'm not the man I used to be. I know. Anya stares at him. Cut to Buffy still onstage as the fight continues. BUFFY: (into microphone) Guys! Will you break it up? Cut back to Anya and the old man. He turns to leave, but she stops him. ANYA: Xander. Where is he? You tell me, old man! You tell me why he left! OLD MAN: He left because of you. ANYA: (upset) I didn't do anything. OLD MAN: Oh, really? What about this? Suddenly the old man begins to grow, and morphs into a huge demon with gray skin, yellow eyes, and short yellowish spikes all over his head. Anya stares up at him. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act IV [SCENE_BREAK] Same scene. The fighting continues in the main room as Anya confronts the demon. ANYA: Tell me what you did with Xander. What are you? DEMON: (deep demony voice) You did this. You brought this on. I've waited a long time for this, Anyanka. ANYA: (tearful) Who are you? DEMON: Remember Chicago? South Side, 1914? Anya looks blank. The demon gets annoyed. DEMON: Stewart Burns. Philanderer! You'd think you'd remember. I remember you. But then again, you ruined my life. ANYA: You were a ... I punished you. DEMON: That's right. Some hussy I'd been taking around summons you, next thing I know, I look like this and I'm being tortured in another dimension. ANYA: I forgot. DEMON: Well, I didn't. The demon hits Anya across the face, making her reel back. Across the room, still on the stage, Buffy sees this. BUFFY: Anya! DEMON: Every day I remembered ... and every day I thought how I would somehow get here, and ruin your life like you ruined mine. It didn't take much either. I scared off your fiance with a couple of phony visions. ANYA: (tearful) Visions of what? DEMON: Your future. Or his nightmare vision of your future. ANYA: (crying) That's it? That's all you did? DEMON: Yeah, it was easy. Look at that, you're crying. Oh, I like that. Anya wipes at her face with her hands. ANYA: (whispers) Stop it. DEMON: Oh, cry, Anyanka, cry. I love to see you cry. And now, I'd love to see you scream. He swipes at Anya with a clawed hand, growling. She shrieks and falls to the ground. The demon goes to swing at her again but is interrupted by Buffy hitting him in the face with a folding chair. He reels back. We see Anya lying on the floor with two bloody slashes on her arm. Buffy struggles to move, reaches down to rip a slit up the skirt of her bridesmaid dress to free her legs. The demon is holding Anya, who struggles against his arm. DEMON: Come any closer and I'll kill her. Buffy stands where she is, glaring at him. Suddenly Xander bursts in from outside. XANDER: Anya! ANYA: Xander! The demon turns to look, and Buffy takes the opportunity to kick him in the leg. He yells and lets go of Anya. Buffy punches him a couple of times, grabs him and throws him back against the wall. He punches her and she reels back. Shot of the main room as the brawling guests begin to notice the fight in the hallway and turn to look. Anya runs over to Xander. ANYA: I'm so ... I'm so glad you're here. It was all lies, what he showed you ... it wasn't true, he just wanted to break us up. Buffy is still fighting the demon. It grabs her by the shoulders but she breaks free and punches it in the gut. XANDER: It doesn't matter now. ANYA: So we'll be okay. Xander still looks upset, watching Buffy and the demon fight. Buffy kicks the demon, making it fall to its knees. She grabs its head and slams it on the floor. The demon lies there, groaning. Buffy rushes over to Xander and Anya, pushes between them. BUFFY: Excuse me. She grabs the veil off of the mounted bison head, runs back over as the demon is starting to get up. She wraps the veil around its neck and pulls. The demon struggles, gagging. Suddenly a white pedestal hits the demon in the face. He falls down unconscious. We see it was Xander wielding the pillar. Angle on Xander and Buffy looking down at the demon. Xander lifts the pedestal again and slams it down onto the demon -- camera angle stays on their faces the whole time. XANDER: It's dead. BUFFY: Yup. The whole crowd of demons and Harrises bursts into cheers and applause. Willow, Tara, and Anya walk over to Buffy and Xander. They all stand staring down at the demon corpse (which we still don't see). WILLOW: Is anyone else waiting for it to go poof? (they all continue staring at the corpse) Maybe we can cover it with flowers. The guests begin picking up chairs and setting them up again. MR. HARRIS: Look at this damage. I'm not paying for this, you freaks! KRELVIN: Stop calling us freaks! Krelvin goes over to Mr. Harris and shoves him in the chest. They resume fighting. MRS. HARRIS: Oh no! No, not again! No! Everyone begins fighting again. ANYA: Stop It! Everyone stops, stares at Anya. ANYA: (commanding) Everyone sit down! They all continue staring. ANYA: This wedding will go on, so get back in your seats! Everyone hastens to obey. Cut to a moment later. Xander and Anya stand alone by the doors, which are open, showing the street outside. They hold hands. ANYA: You know, it's bad luck to see me in my dress. She gives a little smile. Xander just looks at her, still looking in shock. ANYA: Hey. It's okay. It's all over now, he's dead, and it was just smoke and mirrors. XANDER: I know. ANYA: (smiling) So ... we're ready now. Let's get married. She tries to turn away but Xander is still holding her hands, stopping her. XANDER: I... Anya turns back. XANDER: I'm not. (Anya looking confused) I'm not ready. I can't, Ahn, I'm sorry. ANYA: But it wa - it wasn't real. What he showed you, it wasn't real. XANDER: I know it wasn't real. But it could be. Beat. Anya stares at him, getting teary again. ANYA: What was it? Was it about me? 'Cause he wanted you to hate me, Xander. XANDER: It wasn't you. (sighs) It wasn't you I was hating. (pauses) I had these thoughts, and ... fears before this. Another beat. Xander stares at the floor. XANDER: Maybe we just went too fast. ANYA: Look, everybody has thoughts. It's natural, it doesn't mean that, that getting married is wrong. XANDER: I know, I know... ANYA: (desperate) Look, you're just shaken up, okay? You just calm down and we'll start over, okay? Xander looks over at the main room. Shot of Xander's Parents yelling at each other. Mr. Harris is standing while Mrs. Harris sits in a chair. Shot of Xander watching. Closer shot of Xander's Dad yelling angrily. Pan down to Xander's Mom arguing back at him. It looks like he tries to hit her and she grabs his hand. Cut back to Xander still watching them. XANDER: (tearful) We can't start over. If this is a mistake, it's forever, and ... I don't want to hurt you. Not that way. Close shot on their hands separating, falling to their sides. XANDER: I'm sorry. (Anya crying) I am so sorry. Anya sniffles, wipes her eyes with her hand, continues crying. Slowly, in a daze, she turns and walks away. Xander watches her go. Then he turns and walks outside. Looks like it has stopped raining and is sunny. Anya walks to the beginning of the aisle, still holding her bouquet. The cuts on her arm are a little bloody but not serious. The string quartet begins to play the wedding march. The guests all rise. Anya starts to walk down the aisle, still looking dazed, her face streaked with tears. The guests stare in dismay. She stops at the other end of the aisle and just stands there. Cut to: close shot of a coffee-table with a mug on it. A hand reaches out and picks it up. DAWN: (OS) Should we do something for her? We see Dawn holding the mug. She's in the Summers living room, on the armchair. DAWN: Anything? We see Buffy sitting on the sofa, looking sad. WILLOW: (OS) She wants to be alone. That's what she wants. We see Willow sitting beside Buffy, holding another mug. WILLOW: (softly) Oh, god, it just hurts my heart to think of her. BUFFY: (softly) I know. The whole thing hurts my heart. DAWN: (softly) I thought they were happy. BUFFY: They were. I know they were. They were supposed to be my light at the end of the tunnel. I guess they were a train. DAWN: Why did this happen? WILLOW: I don't know. I feel like I should be hating Xander. But I can't. (sighs) I just ... I just hope he's okay. DAWN: I wonder where he is. Cut to: hallway of a crappy motel. The manager opens a door marked 7, revealing a crappy little room. He walks in, followed by Xander (still wearing his tux). The manager hands Xander the key. MANAGER: Not much to explain. Air conditioner's busted. Xander looks around blankly. MANAGER: That's it. Check-out's at eleven. The manager exits, closing the door behind him, leaving Xander just standing there blankly. Fade to: close shot on Anya's face, still tear-streaked, still wearing her wedding gown but not the veil. Around her it's all black, as in a featureless demon realm. A hand comes into shot, holding a handkerchief in front of Anya. She takes it but doesn't look up. Pull out to reveal D'Hoffryn, circling around behind her. D'HOFFRYN: Are you okay? ANYA: (shakes her head) I'm tired... (sniffles) of crying. (teary) I'm just so tired, D'Hoffryn. D'HOFFRYN: (sighs) Oh, Anyanka. I'm sorry. (pause) But you let him domesticate you. When you were a vengeance demon, you were powerful, at the top of your game. You crushed men like him. Anya doesn't react. D'HOFFRYN: It's time you got back to what you do best ... don't you think? Anya finally lifts her face up to look at him. Her expression is blank. Blackout. Executive Producers: Joss Whedon and Marti Noxon.	Plan: A: Xander; Q: Whose future self appears to warn him about his marriage to Anya? A: Anya; Q: Who does Xander break up with? A: Xander's future self; Q: Who warns Xander that his marriage to Anya will be the beginning of a life of disgrace and pain? A: flashes; Q: How is Xander shown the future? A: her demon days; Q: What is the demon taking revenge on Anyanka from? A: the wedding; Q: What does Xander and Anya call off? Summary: Before Xander and Anya's wedding, Xander's future self suddenly appears, and warns him that his marriage to Anya will be the beginning of a life of disgrace and pain. Xander is shown flashes of the future, convincing him to call it off, but later it is discovered it is only a demon taking revenge on Anyanka from her demon days. Nevertheless, the wedding doesn't go ahead and Anya and Xander break up.
(We start off by seeing Hazel, Jimmy, Spinner and Paige discussing a trip they plan on taking on Saturday. Paige just finished gushing about how she'll be driving them in her parents mini-van, that it'll be a beautiful Saturday and they're not wasting a second of it.Spinner, Hazel, and Jimmy all yell together "Shotgun!".) Spinner: Uh, she's my girlfriend. Hazel: My bestfriend. Jimmy: I smell better than both of you, so... Paige: No bickering passengers. I'll just have to assign checks. (Terri walks up to the table, looking rather pretty.) Terri: Hey guys. What's going on? Paige: Road trip. My folks are away and I've got the car keys. Terri: (Sighs) Have fun Hazel: What? Ter, you're totally coming. Terri: You'll be with Jimmy, Spinner will be with Paige, and I... Hazel: Will be with your friends, idiot. Terri: It's... not exactly the same. Paige: So then bring someone, whatever. (Spinner leans his face on Paige's shoulder and get's all lovey-dovey.) Spinner: Um, can I please have the front seat? Paige: You'll just have to wait your turn. Spinner: No. Paige: Okay? Spinner: Come on... (Paige laughs. Terri looks miserable as she watches them.) Credits Ms. Kwan's class is in the gym practicing mime movement with a partner (Rick watches Terri as he works on his.) Ms. Kwan: Okay guys, great work. But now it's time to move on to trust exersices. So find a new partner and decide who's A and who's B. (Everybody scans out and grabs a new partner (Isn't Marco suppose to be in this class? I can't seem to notice him!). Rick walks up behind Terri, who appears to have noone.) Rick: (Smiling) Which ever you want. (Terri turns around and just looks at him for a second.) Terri: Fine. I'll be A. Ms. Kwan: Okay, I want the As to stand behind the Bs (Takes Terri to use as an example) and I want you to turn your backs to Bs like this. Bs, open your arms, because the As are gonna fall back into them. (Paige and Spinner try it. Paige falls back and Spinner catches her. They laugh and do it again. Terri looks at Rick, who has his arms ready.) Rick: Do you honestly think I'm going to drop you? 'Cause I'm not. (Terri turns around and reluctantly falls back into his arms. He catches her.) Rick: (Smiles) That wasn't so bad, was it? (Terri looks at him and gives a little smile. The bell rings and everybody exits the class. Terri and Rick walk out together, Rick talking enthusiastically.) Rick: I'm just desperate for a real opportunity to develop our real acting jobs. Terri: We did Marco's play. Rick: I don't mean ameturish theatrics, I mean the classics like Brech or Ibsen. Terri: Hey, there's a mime unit next week. Rick: Oh yeah great, just what the world needs. More people walking against the wind. (They both laugh. Rick stops and looks at her.) Rick: I wanted to call you... so many times. I just didn't know what to say accept, I'm sorry... for my temper and what I did. I... I never meant to hurt you... I...look, I missed you. Terri: I know what you mean. Rick: It was... it was all my fault, but if there's any way, any way that you think... Terri: I'll... I'll see you in Bio, okay? (Terri walks away and Rick just watches her. Now we're in the Media Immersions room. The bell has just rang for everybody to be dismissed.) Snake: Okay, hey, before you all scatter here are your pop quizzes back. (Hands them out). Well done. (Marco stands up.) Marco: Um, just so you know Mr Simpson, the substitute wasn't nearly as much fun as you. We're all glad to have you back. (Everybody applauds in agreement.) Snake: Awww, just so you know, applause won't improve your grade. (Several students groan) By a few percent. (Ellie gathers up her stuff.) Marco: So El, tomorrow? Pathar Pancheli and Parash Pathar? (Note: I had the subtitles on for that. They aren't pronounced like that exactly.) Ashley: You guys are ordering Indian food? Ellie: Close. Seeing A Double Bill. Marco: A classic Indian cinema. Ashley: And you really think Sean's gonna sit through that? Ellie: Why would Sean come? Ashley: Well, it's a Saturday, right? You guys are seeing eachother. Ellie: So? Doesn't mean things change with my friends. Ashley: Change isn't automatically bad, El. We now see a building. There is a sign that says "CQJH." Now we are in a meetings room (Caitlin and Ellie are watching a tape of Caitlin chatting about some kind of enviromental issue, maybe. They're watching it on a small TV while sitting at a meeting table.) Ellie: It's fantastic, Caitlin. Caitlin: I always cringe at myself on tape. (Somebody knocks at the door and a lady let's Sean in. Ellie and Caitlin look at eachother suprised.) Sean: Security cameras? I thought tape recorders were the next big thing. (Ellie smiles.) Cailtin: I think I hear Tomas calling. (Caitlin leaves the room.) Ellie: Suprise drop in. Unexpected, but nice. Sean: Ellie Nash said nice. (Takes her hands and pulls her up from the chair) So tomorrow. Ellie: Yes? Sean: It's the opening weekend of "Elimination: Round Three." (Ellie doesn't say anything.) Sean: It's a movie. An action franchise. Do you wanna... Ellie: Yes. Sean: You can take your time. Ellie: Oh, but... Sean: What? Is there a problem? Ellie: No. That would be... nice. (Sean smiles.) It's Saturday. At The Dot Grill, Hazel, Jimmy, Spinner and Paige are sitting at a table laughing Spinner: Anyways, whatever you do, don't order chilli. (Suddenly Terri walks into The Dot with Rick.) Terri: Hey guys. Sorry, I'm so late. Rick: Terri, can I buy you a late`? Terri: So sweet. (To the guys) I'll be right back. (Terri goes with Rick. Everyone looks at eachother in shock.) Hazel: I must be hellucinating. Jimmy: I hope so. Paige: I so refuse to drive that freak around all day. Spinner: Paige. Jimmy: No, Spin, she's right. Spinner: Yeah, but if we leave him behind garranteed we leave Terri behind. Hazel: Without any of us to look out for her. Jimmy: And then it's open season for Rick again. (We see Rick and Terri drinking their lat`e's together.) Now we see a big poster that says Elimination: Round 2. "Time to take the battle to THEM!" It shows two men with machine guns. Ellie and Marco are walking through the mall on their way to the theater Ellie: Marco, come on. Marco: (Sarcastically) What, we wouldn't wanna miss a second of Elimination Round... whatever. (I must point out that Marco here is looking the cutest he's probably ever looked. Ever. With the brown jacket and tight jeans topped with his signature yellow hat(See picture with him and Dylan in my slideshow). Anyway, they meet up with Jay, Alex, and Sean.) Ellie: Sorry. Marco: Hello Jay. (Jay just looks at Marco wierdly.) Jay: Uhh... yeah. You know what, Alex, I'm hungry. Why don't you go get me some popcorn. Alex: Give me twenty bucks and I will. (Marco and Ellie just look at eachother. Jay and Alex go to the concession stand together. Sean looks at Marco.) Ellie: I already had plans with Marco, so I thought I'd ask him. (Sean looks sighs unhappily.) Ellie: Is there a problem? Sean: Lets get seats. We're now at a park. We see a couple smaking out in a convertible. Paige pulls the van up and parks right next to a picnic table. Everybody loads out Terri: (To Rick) It's a great day. (Spinner runs over and sits by Paige at the picnic table. He begins stuffing some kind of food into his mouth from a paper bag.) Paige: Ew, Spin, you are turning my stomach! Can you please eat like a person? (Rick takes a seat up on top of the front of the van.) Rick: Come on Ter, why don't you sit here? Paige: (Snobbishly)Uh, Rick, I would rather you not dent my parents' van with your butt. Rick: I'm not hurting it. Terri: Rick, come sit over here with me. (Rick goes and sits by Terri.) Terri: Just don't even worry about it. Rick: I'll try not to. We now see Sean, Ellie and Marco sitting in a dark, packed movie theater (There is a lot of action music coming from the screen and then an explosion. Ellie and Marco start laughing(The only ones). Sean looks at them annoyed. Somebody throws popcorn at Marco. They stop laughing. Marco goes to grab some popcorn from the bag Ellie is holding, just as Sean was. But since Marco got his hand in first, Sean retrieves his, looking even more annoyed.) Back at the park (Jimmy and Spinner are playing frisbee. Terri and Rick are sitting down talking.) Rick: I'll be over there, so if you need me... Terri: Okay. (Rick takes off. Paige walks to where Terri is, looking rather tense.) Paige: Hey, want to uh, play some frisbee with us? I need to show Spin and thing or two. Terri: Maybe later. Rick wants to talk. (Paige sits down next to her.) Paige: You know, you should come over tonight. Just hang out, dish with the girls. Terri: I'm fine Paige. There's nothing to worry about. Paige: (Angry) So what, you're just forgiven creep-boy for beating you up? Terri: He apologized. Paige: Of course! His type always does so they can get another shot in at you. (Rick walks up from behind the van.) Rick: One, you have no right to dictate who Terri's friends are. And two, you're a vicious backstabber. Paige: Oh, I'm vicious? Rick: Everything you say is a judgement. You think you're so perfect. Paige: What?! Well I'd rather be that than a psycho! (Rick looks angry. He kicks the van in frusteration and storms off. Terri stands up and confronts Paige.) Terri: Rick's right. I'm so sick and tired of you pushing me around telling me what to do, I'm sick of it! Paige: Fine. If I'm such a bad friend, go after him. Go! (Terri glares at her and then goes and follows Rick. Paige sighs in frusteration.) Now we see Rick stopping near the woods (There appear to be concrete blocks lying around. Rick kicks the air angrily. Terri catches up to him.) Terri: I'm so sorry about Paige. Rick: It doesn't matter. She does not matter! Terri: Please Rick, calm down. Rick: (Calming down) I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm just-I'm so happy. You know, just-that we're together again. (Rick leans in and kisses her.) Rick: We were made for eachother. (Terri smiles, holding his hand.) Terri: Come back. We'll ignore Paige. Rick: No, no, let's walk. Terri: It's really far. (Rick pulls Terri back.) Rick: She called me a psycho. Terri: That's just Paige being Paige. (Now things are starting to look tense(My heart pounding). Rick grabs both of Terri's arms firmly. You can hear the terrifying anger rise in his voice.) Rick: And that makes it okay? My feelings mean nothing to you? (Terri starts to get distressed.) Terri: Woah... Rick... Rick: Don't you dare choose Paige over me again. Don't you dare. Terri: I'm going back... okay? Rick: You c-c-c-can't leave, do you understand? Terri: Rick, you're hurting me! Rick: You're not going. You're not! You're not! You're not! (Rick pushes Terri. She falls back and smacks her head on a concrete block and loses conciousness. Rick gives a frightened gasp and stares in utter shock of what he had just done.) We now see Hazel and Spinner chatting with a bunch of people. Spinner notices Paige looking nervous and walks up to her Spinner: Earth to Paige. Paige: Terri's not back yet. Spinner: No? (Turns to everybody else) Be right back. (Spinner and Paige walk through the bushes and see Rick kneeling down in the opening of the woods.) Spinner: There's Rick. Maybe Terri's... (He trails off as they see that Rick is leaning over Terri's unconcious body.) Paige: Oh my God... Terri... (Rick stands up staring at them as if to say either it was an accident or it wasn't him. He runs off.) Paige: Terri! (Spinner and Paige run up to her unconcious body. Paige kneels over her.) Paige: Terri... (To Spinner) Okay, get your cell now! (Spinner runs off. Paige holds Terri's head. Blood comes off the back of her head onto Paige's hand.) Paige: Oh my God, Terri! Terri, please! [SCENE_BREAK] At school (Mr Raditch is speaking on the video announcements. Everybody in the Media Immersions room is listening.) Mr Raditch: And finally, as some of you may know, Terri McGregor is in the hospital with injuries that she sustained over the weekend. I know I speak for all of Degrassi when I wish her a speedy recovery. Thank you. (The announcements end. Marco raises his hand.) Marco: Uh, sir, was this like an accident, or... Spinner: It was no accident. Ashley: So, then is Rick in jail? Snake: I know everyone's upset. But we're not allowed to talk details. Spinner: Yeah, okay, I was there. I know what happened. Snake: Gavin. Spinner: If Rick steps one foot in Degrassi he'll be the one in intensive care. Snake: Those involved were minors, so once again, we can't talk details. What we can do is discuss our feelings together. Spinner: Why should we protect that piece of... Snake: We can brainstorm what we can do for Terri. And thoughts? Paige: We made a card. Um, we thought everybody could sign it. Snake: Well that's a great idea Paige, thanks. Why don't you pass it around. (Paige passes a huge card with a picture of Terri in the middle of it. Then she just sits there sadly.) Ellie and Marco are sitting on the school's front steps at lunch eating something with chopsticks Ellie: I could go with Ash, but..I didn't really know Terri. Feels morbid. Marco: Well, we can go together, if you want. (Sean walks out of the school's front doors and pushes his way in between Ellie and Marco.) Sean: Hey. Ellie: Hi. (Sean continues to shove Marco farther and farther away. Taking a hint, Marco stands up.) Ellie: Marco? Marco: Look, it's fine. I'll just see you in English. (Marco walks into the school. Ellie just shakes her head at Sean.) Sean: What? I just wanted to spend time alone. Ellie: Got your wish. (Ellie gets up and walks away. Sean just sits there looking rejected.) A hospital building (From there we see Spinner and Paige(holding the card) walking down the hospital wing and stop at a window. Inside we see Terri lying on a hospital bed with an oxygen mask on and a white bandage around her head. Terri's dad walks up to the window. He looks at Spinner and Paige.) Mr McGregor: Hey, Paige, Spinner. Whatcha got there? Paige: It's a card for Terri. The school signed it. Mr McGregor: (Takes card) Oh, that's great. Thanks. Thanks for coming. Paige: How is she? Mr McGregor: Surgery tonight. They found a blood clot. Spinner: But she's gonna be okay. Mr McGregor: It's a big operation. But hey yeah, she's gonna pull through. She's a fighter, my little baby. (They looks at Terri in the bedroom again.) Mr McGregor: How could anybody do this to her? Paige: I know. Mr McGregor: Rick. I mean, Terri was over the moon for the guy. (Paige looks at Spinner without saying anything.) Mr McGregor: What? You knew he was abusive? Spinner: No, Mr McGregor... Mr McGregor: (Angry)For how long? Paige: (Crying) We tried to talk to her. Mr McGregor: What about me? Why wouldn't... why didn't you talk to me? Paige: We thought it was under control. Mr McGregor: You still think it's under control?! (Spinner and Paige look at Terri lying in the hospitasl bed. Mr McGregor walks into the room. Paige walks away crying. Spinner follows her.) At The Dot (Paige and Spinner are driving up. Paige stops right in front of it. Spinner prepares to get out when he sees Paige begin to sob again.) Spinner: Hey, she's gonna be okay. (Spinner leans in and gives her a small kiss. Paige brings his face back and starts kissing him even harder. Spinner pulls away.) Paige: What? What! Spinner: I should go. We shouldn't do this. Not... not tonight. Paige: Excuse me? Spinner: You're upset. Because of Terri. Paige: This has got nothing to do with Terri. (Spinner doesn't say anything.) Paige: I can't believe this! None of this would have happened if you had let me leave Rick behind at The Dot! (Spinner looks rather taken aback by this and doesn't say anything for a second.) Spinner: I'm not the one who told her to go off with him. (Spinner gets and out of the car and leaves. Paige continues to sob.) At the counter at The Dot (Marco and Ellie are sitting. They notice Spinner storm behind them and look for a second.) Ellie: I should dump him. Marco: Sean? Ellie: You're worth six Seans. He can't be that rude and then expect me to stick around. Marco: Sean's rude, El? What do you call bringing Marco the human security blanket on a double date? Ellie: Marco the what? Marco: Look, I know you want everything to stay the same. But Sean can be great for you, if you let him. (Ellie just thinks to herself without saying anything.) Around the outside of the school (Assuming it's later on in the day, we see Spinner walking. He sees Paige driving up and preparing to park in the lot. He continues walking when he sees Rick sitting in a car parked in the very front of the school, looking miserable. Looking angry, Spinner goes up to the car and bangs on the window.) Spinner: What are you doing here? (Spinner opens the door and yanks Rick out. He bangs him against the car, Rick shielding himself with his arms.) Spinner: Terri's in the hospital and you're just sitting here?! Rick: (Frantic) Spinner, stop! Please! Spinner: Oh, did Terri tell you to stop? Did you listen?! (Spinner raises his fist. Paige runs up behind him and grabs him.) Paige: Spinner, just... just let him go! (Suddenly Rick's mom comes out of the school holding a box and sees what's occuring.) Rick's Mom: (With some accent) Stop it! Let him go! (She pushes Spinner away.) Rick's Mom: You stay away from my son. Both of you! (Rick's mom pushes Rick back into the car. Spinner runs off. Paige follows him and finds him sitting at one of the outside tables sobbing. Paige sits beside him.) Paige: Spinner honey... Spinner: I'm just like him. Violent... Paige: No. You stopped yourself. You're different, okay? You are. (Paige puts her arm around him as they cry together.) The school halls (We see Ellie walking down. She approaches Sean at his locker.) Ellie: Sean. Listen... I'm... Sean: Aren't we through? Ellie: Okay, are you like, dumping me? Sean: (Confused) Didn't you already dump me? Ellie: Let's try this again. I'm here to apologize. I haven't been a very good girlfriend. But you haven't been that great a boyfriend either. Sean: Look, I... I don't hate Marco, okay?It's just... well, I'm dating you. Ellie: I've never done this before. Like a real relationship thing. So, if I don't totally know how it works... Sean: Then you can ask me. (They smile at eachother and kiss.) In the hospital (Mr McGregor is sitting next to Terri on her hospital bed. The oxygen mask is gone but she's got a huge white bandage wrapped around her head. We see Spinner and Paige appear at the window.) Paige: Spin, let's just go, okay? Spinner: No. Let's stay. We'll be fine. (Mr McGregor sees them and walks out of the room.) Mr McGregor: Um, we still don't know the extent of the damage. But, she came through the surgery, that's one big hurdle. Paige: Well, we are so glad. And... we're so sorry. Mr McGregor: Oh no, no, I was way out of line yesterday. Spinner: You were upset. Mr McGregor: At you and at myself. Rick was at our place all the time, I don't know why I didn't see. Paige: But we saw and we should have said something. (Mr McGregor looks back into the room from the window.) Mr McGregor: I better get back to her just in case she comes around. Thanks for coming, guys. You're good friends. (Mr McGregor walks back into the room and sits on Terri's hospital bed again. Paige leans her head on Spinner's shoulder as they look at her.)	Plan: A: Paige's advice; Q: What did Terri resist taking? A: the hospital; Q: Where does Terri end up when Rick hurts her again? A: Ellie; Q: Who doesn't like how Sean treats Marco? Summary: Everyone is angry when Terri announces that she is back together with the ex who abused her. Terri resists taking Paige's advice, and when Rick hurts her again, she ends up in the hospital. Meanwhile, Ellie doesn't like how Sean treats Marco when they hang out together.
"The Bond in the Boot" [SCENE_BREAK] TEASER (A man waits on the roof of an airport parking structure at night, a briefcase handcuffed to his wrist. An assailant attacks the man, shooting twice. He cuts off his victim's hand and runs off with the briefcase. Shots ring out as his car peels away, running over the body) ACT ONE (Cut to daylight at the crime scene where a cat is seen eating off the victim's remains. Booth and Brennan exits FBI vehicle.) BOOTH: (in disbelief) A Rolex? They just gave you a Rolex? BRENNAN: But my book is No.1 on the bestsellers list for 12 weeks and sold 630,000 copies. They're, you know, showing their appreciation. BOOTH: Wow. So that means if you made- BRENNAN: I don't really know how much actually, but (Booth's phone starts to ring) I was told I would never have to work again. BOOTH: (chuckles) Wow. (answers his phone) Booth. What?! No! Slow down pal, that is extortion. What? No, no! Forget it. No. No way I'm paying that. Bye. (shuts his phone) Some plumber, he wants to charge me 800 bucks to fix the plumbing in my walls! Forget it I'll do it myself. BRENNAN: Well, that should be no problem. You've told me numerous times how skillful you are as a repairman. BOOTH: Well, great. Ever since after the coma, I've seen to forgotten a few things. So I'm gonna have to figure out how to do it myself all over again. BRENNAN: I could lend you some money. BOOTH: It's okay, Miss Rolex. I'll be fine. BRENNAN: Well, if you change your mind.. (Purring of cats can be heard in the background) BOOTH: This is exactly why I hate cats. Right there. (A litter of cats can be seen eating off the victim's remains) BRENNAN: Well, they're feral. They're natural scavengers. Hodgins is going to have to sift through the excrements for evidence. BOOTH: Right. Don't want to take his fun away from him, huh? BRENNAN: (yells out) I need all these cats brought back to the Jeffersonian! (attempts to shoo cats away) Shoo! Shoo! BOOTH: Puss! Puss! Here kitty kitty! BRENNAN: (motions to cat on victim's head) Hey, hey! Get outta there! (a hand is seen removing the cat away) The victim is an adult male. Caucasian. Bullet went just above the sternum and the third left rib. Hand is severed just below the radius. BOOTH: Barely anything left of this guy. How long has he been out here? BRENNAN: From the degree of scavenging, I'd say 2 days. BOOTH: Hey you! (shows a guy in a maroon jacket who's talking to the police, he turns to look as Booth approaches him) Parking guy. You're the guy who found him? PARKING LOT ATTENDANT: Yeah. BOOTH: My partner here says that he has been kitty kibble for 2 days. Why didn't you notice him sooner? PARKING LOT ATTENDANT: This structure is long term parking. We really don't use it much, and people don't like their cars baking in the sun. BOOTH: Is there any security cameras around here? PARKING LOT ATTENDANT: Somebody cut the feed. BRENNAN: Booth! BOOTH: (observing the marks on the speed bump) Yeah? BRENNAN: He suffered comminuted fractures to the femur. BOOTH: Right, he broke his leg. I get it. Somebody ran over him after he was shot. (To forensic team) Hey you. Do me a favor and pull some paint samples off that speed bump, okay? (Three cats are seen watching them and purring) BOOTH: Why are the cats staring at us? (Brennan stares at Booth and doesn't answer him; as the cats continue to look on) (Cut to: Jeffersonian Lab. Cam & Wendell are at the platform examining the remains) CAM: Michelle's been asking for months if we could get a kitten. I'm thinking 'no'. WENDELL: Actually, it's much more likely that a family dog would attack and consume its owner. CAM: Can you pass me the forceps? I think I see something. (picks up fibre using forceps & placed under the magnifier) It appears to be steel wool I found at the exit wound. WENDELL: Steel wool. Commonly use in silencers to muffle the sound of the gunshot. CAM: Our results definitely points to a professional hit. WENDELL: An Ilizarov apparatus was used to lengthen his bone when he was a child, so he's definitely Russian. CAM: Don't people limp in every country? WENDELL: Part in 1981, the Ilizarov apparatus was used exclusively in Soviet Union, ergo, dead Russian. CAM: (impressed) Very good, Mr. Bray. WENDELL: Yeah, I don't often get to say 'ergo'. CAM: And for bonus points, any clue why his hand was chopped off? WENDELL: The bone has been chipped and bruised around the triquetral- (Hodgins is seen swapping his ID and entering the platform) Like someone was trying to pull something off his wrist. CAM: And when they couldn't, they cut off his hand. HODGINS: Wendell, my man. Are we still up for lunch? CAM: (looks at the tray Hodgins is carrying) You are discussing lunch while holding a tray of cat excrements. HODGINS: Everybody poops. They even wrote a book about it. I found a piece of plastic in the cat's faeces from a bag or airline peanuts. WENDELL: (uses forceps to pick up plastic & reads label) Aeroflot. HODGINS: Yup. Preferred airline of Mother Russia. CAM: Looks like our Russian friend was a recent arrival. (Cut to: FBI Building, Booth's office. Booth is holding a file with the victim's face on it & speaking to Harold Prescott, a State Department Official) BOOTH: Yuri Antonov. He's a courier for a Ukrainian diamond manufacturer. That's it? Why are you State Department guys all over this? PRESCOTT: Because that's not..it. BOOTH: (annoyed) Then what is it? What else do you have for me? PRESCOTT: I was told to assess whether you'll be the best agent, with him to entrust some sensitive information. BOOTH: This is my case. PRESCOTT: (stuttering) The State is supervising, Agent Booth. We...(pauses for a moment; Booth awating for him to speak again) I, approve the investigator. BOOTH: Oh, you. I- Okay, ex Army Ranger with multiple commendations and a pristine record at the FBI isn't good enough for you or them? PRESCOTT: You shot a clown. BOOTH: It's a mechanical clown. (smugs) Hmm. You tell me you never wanted to do that? PRESCOTT: (hesitates; then speaks) This one has to be done with digression. And it's not just your career, it's mine too. I mean, you're old, but I'm still- (Booth taking offence to that; slowly stands up. Prescott hands over the file to Booth) BOOTH: Right. Sit down. (Prescott sits down quickly; followed by Booth too) PRESCOTT: Antonov went missing after arriving 3 days ago from Dallas International. (Booth goes through the file photos) These photos were taken as he passed through the diplomatic checkpoint. BOOTH: Well, that doesn't make any sense. Why would a diamond courier have diplomatic clearance? PRESCOTT: That's why this is so sensitive. State didn't authorize his diplomatic visa. BOOTH: What about the briefcase? It wasn't found on the body. You sure we're dealing with diamonds here? PRESCOTT: We're not sure of anything. But we have to assume the worst. That's why this is being treated as a national security threat. (Opening credits played) ACT TWO (Cut to: J. Edgar Hoover FBI Buliding. Booth meets with Lena Brodsky, the Ukrainian woman in charge of the diamond firm) LENA: What about the diamonds? Have they been recovered? BOOTH: Alright. Well, what he did to Antonov's hand was severed, in order to steal the briefcase. LENA: Of course. He was getting 2 million dollars worth of gems from our mine in Siberia. BOOTH: How did your courier manage to get cleared to pass through the diplomatic checkpoint? LENA: Diplomatic? No. You must be mistaken. BOOTH: Mistaken? Nah, look at that. (opens up the case file & shows the photographs of Antonov at the checkpoint to Lena) See, here is him on the approach. (holds up a photo) And this is him clearing the diplomatic checkpoint. (holds another photo) Briefcase. LENA: I don't understand. As you can see, all the paperwork wass in order and there should've been no complications at the customs. We have couriers bringing in stones all the time. BOOTH: You work with Antonov a lot? LENA: This is was the first time. BOOTH: Well, we're gonna need all your import and export information from the company and any other information you might have on Mr Antonov. LENA: Of course. Um. Every courier is thoroughly checked out. Their psychological profiles, recommendations from past employers. You can have it all. BOOTH: Right. Any reason Antonov, um, wouldn't want the customs to see the diamonds? LENA: No. Unless he wasn't carrying diamonds. (Cut to: Jeffersonian Lab, Angela's office. Angela is explaining to Hodgins) ANGELA: I loaded the victim's x-ray into the simulation. Now looking at the fracture lines, the computer should be able to determine the weight of the car that ran him over. (Simulation shows the car running over the victim's body) HODGINS: Ooh, ouch. ANGELA: According to this, the car would've weighed approximately 3700 pounds, which gives us, 152 possible vehicles. HODGINS: Paint from the speed bump is called Tungsten Silver. Ooh. Trade name; Casino Royale. That would narrow things down a bit. (Cam walks into Angela's office) CAM: Hey. Have you two seen Dr. Brennan? ANGELA: I think she's with Booth. Why? CAM: It appears Mr. Bray has lost his scholarship. No scholarship means no internship in the Jeffersonian. (Angela and Hodgins looks shocked) ANGELA: What?! How did that happen? CAM: Apparently, the trust that fund his scholarship ran out of financing because of the economic mass. ANGELA: Oh, that stinks. I like Wendell. HODGINS: Yeah, we got drunk together last week. It carries great meaning for men. CAM: He's one of us. Even Booth likes him. ANGELA: Well, how did he react? CAM: I haven't told him yet. I wanna see if there are other funding options. (Computer beeps showing car model; Wendell walks into the room) WENDELL: What's that? (Cam, Angela & Hodgins simultaneously greets him) CAM & ANGELA: Hey! HODGINS: Dude! What's new? WENDELL: (surprised) Um, since you saw me on the forensic platform 5 minutes ago, not much. CAM: Great. WENDELL: (To Hodgins) You? HODGINS: Nothing. CAM: Nothing from here. ANGELA: Zipo. On my end. WENDELL: (still unsure of everyone's strange behavior) Oh, it appears you have a match for the car that ran over our victim. That's new, isn't it? ANGELA: Yess. I do. Yes. You are something, Wendell. You really are. HODGINS: (stares at computer screen) Un-believable. WENDELL: That's crazy! Casino Royale and that car?! HODGINS: (amazed with findings) That's Bond's car! (in deep voice) James Bond. WENDELL: Those wheels and the silencer. You haven't by any chance found any evidence of (in a British accent) a martini? Shaken; not stirred of course. (Hodgins & Wendell continues to exchange words in Bond-like; with Cam interrupting them) CAM: You believe James Bond killed our Russian? HODGINS: Well, no. But cmon, there's more than a grain of truth in those Bond films. ANGELA: Pussy Galore? That's never going to happen. WENDELL: Yeah, we can always hope. ANGELA: Boys and their spy fantasies. CAM: I'll tell Booth to put out a search on the car (turns around and leaves) HODGINS: Trust me, Angela. Nothing is as it seems. WENDELL: Yeah, I know. I thought you guys were a little too psyched to see me when I came in here. ANGELA: We can't be excited to see you, Wendell? HODGINS: Yeah, I think you have some intimacy issues there, man. (walks away) (Cut to: Royal Diner. Booth & Brennan are asking Sweets to profile Antonov) BOOTH: So Sweets, you've done the profile yet? Is Antonov a spy? SWEETS: Nope. Still putting the pieces together. BRENNAN: Well, whatever he says is a guess. SWEETS: No. It's a subjective evaluation based on quantifier psychological markers, okay? Do we have to go through this every time? BRENNAN: He may as well be telling stories around a campfire. (Booth chuckles in agreement with Brennan) SWEETS: Okay. All of Antonov's answers from his psych evaluation- are too perfect. No one is this perfect. Now that, coupled with that fact that he had unexplained diplomatic cover and was killed by a professional would leave any reasonable person to conclude that- BOOTH: He's a spy. (Booth's phone starts ringing; Brennan shoots a glare at Booth showing disapproval of his statement) SWEETS: Spy-ish. BOOTH: (answers his phone) Booth. Oh. Great! I'll pick it up this afternoon. Whoa whoa whoa now. It's not (pauses and whispers into the phone) pilates for dummies. (Brennan & Sweets turns to look at Booth) It's plumbing for dummies. Alright? Get back to me. Thank you. BRENNAN: Why won't you let me help you, Booth? BOOTH: I just want to fix the leak in my wall, that's all. I'm very capable of doing it myself. SWEETS: With a dummies book? (Booth lets out a huff) Is that wise? BRENNAN: Since the coma, Booth can't remember how to take care of his own plumbing. BOOTH: That's great. Now you're making it sound like I gotta wear diapers. BRENNAN: (to Sweets) I offered to lend him money for professional plumber. I just received a very large cheque from my publisher. SWEETS: Ahh. BOOTH: (imitating Sweets) Ahh! Here goes the 'Ahh'. (to Brennan) You had to bring this up. Great. Thanks. SWEETS: Well, very large disparity in income can have a very detrimental effect on relationship. BOOTH: No! It doesn't. I just get more satisfaction by relearning an old skill. Instead of paying a plumber, 800 dollars. SWEETS: (pauses) Okay. (continues to eat) BOOTH: Yeah! (to Sweets) Wait, what's that supposed to mean? (Booth's phone rings again) SWEETS: Nothing. I accept what you're saying. BOOTH: (answers phone) Booth. Okay. Great. We're on our way. (shuts phone) BRENNAN: About the book? BOOTH: Found the killer's vehicle. I, will pull the car around. You, can buy us breakfast, okay Miss Rolex? (leaves the diner) SWEETS: (moves to Booth's seat & talks to Brennan) You want my advice? BRENNAN: No. SWEETS: Okay. If you really want to help Booth, you should let him teach you about plumbing. BRENNAN: I'm a wealthy accomplished woman. Why would I want to learn a menial skill? SWEETS: For Booth. So he can regain whatever he feels he lost. I think, for once, it'll be beneficial if you were the student. (Brennan shoots Sweets a look; not understanding his reasoning) (Cut to: An alley. Booth & Brennan meets up with Officer Lisa Kopek who briefs them about the vehicle found) OFFICER LISA: Car's registered to a high class rental car service. Leased using a corporate credit card, universal exports. We're tracking him down now. BOOTH: (upon seeing the vehicle) Whoa oh! It is Bond's car, Bones! (whistles in amazement) BRENNAN: (approaches the car; examining it) Booth. BOOTH: Yeah? BRENNAN: I see superficial lesions on the lateral anterior surface. BOOTH: No no, Bones. What you see there is scratch marks on the front bumper, okay? People have skeletons. Cars; they have chair seats, gas tank, stomach, and here (points at car window) The shattered window proves that there was gunfire. OFFICER LISA: The ballistics guy dug out the bullet out of the dash. Said it was at least fired from 500 feet away. BOOTH: Someone was taking him out, huh? BRENNAN: (at the back of the car) Booth! BOOTH: Yup? BRENNAN: (looks at tiny puddle below the car boot) I think the car's bleeding. BOOTH: No no no, Bones. Car has oil. That's oil. BRENNAN: No. (swabs the puddle with her finger) This is blood. BOOTH: (looks closer) It is blood. (motions for someone & an officer brings a crowbar) Thank you. (breaks open the boot using the crowbar & finds another human corpse) Whoa! Okay. That is going to kill the blue book value. BRENNAN: Body is 3-4 days old. The heat in the trunk is causing the skin to liquify. BOOTH: So, cause of death? BRENNAN: There's too much flesh. This is Cam's department. (digs for something in the boot) Look at this. (a gun is seen) BOOTH: (carries up the gun) That. Is a Walter PPK. It's Bond's gun. BRENNAN: Booth. BOOTH: Yeah? BRENNAN: I hate to admit this, but Sweets is right. (reaches out for the victim's ID & picks it up to show Booth) The victim was CIA. ACT THREE (Cut to: Jeffersonian lab. Brennan & Cam are examining the second corpse on the platform along with Angela & Hodgins) BRENNAN: It is unfortunate that Mr Bray is losing his scholarship. He's one of our best interns and is quite deserving of financial assistance. CAM: No gunshot wounds. BRENNAN: There seems to be damage at the spine. The cartilage from L1 to L5 is torn. ANGELA: (to Brennan) Hey, have you ever thought of starting a scholarship? You have a lot of money now. BRENNAN: I support many different organizations that provide food, housing and medical care for people in need. Should I withhold funds from them? ANGELA: No! No. But it's Wendell. He grew up with nothing. He worked his whole life for this. BRENNAN: I tried not to get attached to my assistants. I learnt that even the best ones can disappoint. (to Cam) I noticed there was microfracturing on the inside edges of the scapulae as if there were being rubbed together. HODGINS: I found gunshot residue on his hands. My bet; that Walter PPK killed our Russian. ANGELA: But who killed James Bond? HODGINS: Whoever shot at his window on the roof. CAM: And where is the briefcase? ANGELA: And what's in the briefcase? HODGINS: We're going down the rabbit hole here, people. The CIA has no problems silencing people that poke around in their business. ANGELA: I hate to break it to you, Jack. But you're the guy who studies bugs, slime and poop. It's hardly assassination worthy. HODGINS: Hey! A lot of people would like to see me dead. ANGELA: I'm not going to touch that one. BRENNAN: (to Cam) Hey, aren't you on the board that grant scholarships? CAM: To high school students. (to Hodgins) How about you, Mr Conspiracy Man? Doesn't your foundation give out grants? HODGINS: Yeah. After the crash, our trustees froze all assets until they can reevaluate the portfolio. (Hodgins looks at Angela, followed suit by Cam and Brennan; Angela finally realizes and speaks) ANGELA: I packed my lunch! You guys are gonna have to try- WENDELL: (swaps his ID and enters platform) Excuse me, Dr. Brennan. (All four of them are startled by Wendell's presence and greets him) ANGELA: Heeeyy. HODGINS: Dude! CAM: (smiles widely) What are you doing here? WENDELL: Oh. Uh, Agent Booth is ready to drive Dr Brennan to Langley. (All 4 of them still looking at Wendell) BRENNAN: Thank you. (Wendell being confused by their behavior, turns around and leaves) (Cut to: Booth's car. Brennan & Booth are discussing) BRENNAN: In 500 BC, Sun Tzu devotes attention to intelligence gathering and the art of war. He argues that all wars are based on deception. Logically, that would mean if we don't deceive each other, then war would be unnecessary. BOOTH: Yeah. But not everyone is logical now, are they? It's frustrating, but that's how the world works. BRENNAN: Not between us two. BOOTH: Huh? BRENNAN: Shouldn't we be honest with each other? BOOTH: We're honest. Aren't you? I mean, I am. BRENNAN: So you have no problem with me making so much more money than you? BOOTH: No. (Brennan doesn't believe in his answer & continues to stare at him) Well yeah, it's- it's a little weird. I mean, you're loaded. I mean, really loaded. And you still don't even have a flat screen. It's just kind of weird, to be honest. It's a little French, if you ask me. BRENNAN: But don't you feel that your life would be different if you were wealthy? BOOTH: Sure. But, better? I mean, yeah. I wouldn't have to fly coach, but what life throws us, that makes us who we are, right? I mean, fighting through stuffs and the good things; they are not any sweeter if you're rich. Parker, okay? He gives me a hug because it's my weekend and me and you; when we solved a case, it's not about money, right? BRENNAN: (thinking about Booth's words) No. No, it's not. (Booth smiles at her) But I'll never have to fly coach. (Booth continues to smile at her despite her lack of modesty) (Cut to: CIA Headquarters, Langley. Booth & Brennan is in a room with Arthur Rutledge, the Assistant Director of Intelligence) RUTLEDGE: I'm Arthur Rutledge, the Assistant Director of Intelligence. We are very sorry about Greg but he wasn't working on anything for us when he was killed. BRENNAN: Well, the FBI matched ballistics from Greg Dorit's gun to the shots that killed Yuri Antonov. RUTLEDGE: Greg Dorit wasn't issued a gun. (Booth looks at him questioningly) I'm afraif that protocol in the intelligence community isn't as simple as someone like you is used to. (Brennan turns to look at Booth) BOOTH: (insulted) Someone like me? Look, Rutledge, the more you tell us about your agent's assignment, the easier it will be for us to track down the guy who murdered him. BRENNAN: (to Rutledge) That, is what someone like him does. BOOTH: Correct. RUTLEDGE: Greg Dorit wasn't an agent. He was an analyst, and a rather poor one in that. BOOTH: So you mean, it doesn't matter that he's dead? RUTLEDGE: As far as what assignments he was working on, that information is classified. (stands up to leave) And far beyond with what I'm able to share with- BOOTH: Someone like me. RUTLEDGE: Yes. BOOTH: FYI, you know I have Level 3 clearance and my SSBI is renewed 2 months ago, which allows me to get this warrant. (presents warrant in his hand) BRENNAN: (impressed) Well played, Booth. BOOTH: (smiles at Brennan) Thanks, Bones. (RUTLEDGE walks back to see the warrant; while Booth smiles in victory) RUTLEDGE: (after studying the warrant) Right. (points to Brennan) She doesn't have clearance. You can wait in the lobby, Dr Brennan. (Brennan in disbelief and looks at Booth; Booth persuades her to leave) BOOTH: Bones, it's okay. I'll see you later. (Brennan stands up to leave) BRENNAN: (approaches the door to leave) You know, I can keep a secret. BOOTH: Right, Bones. We know. (Door is heard closing) RUTLEDGE: Greg worked at his desk. Analyzing websites, searching for communications hidden in images and intechs. BOOTH: So you got an analyst to assassinate a Russian courier? RUTLEDGE: I already told you, we didn't. Whatever motive that Greg had to kill Antonov, I'd like to know just as much as you would. BOOTH: The problem seems to be about the briefcase. (approaches Rutledge closer) So, you know anything about that? RUTLEDGE: Nothing than the fact it has gone missing. BOOTH: You know what would might be in the briefcase, Mr Rutledge? RUTLEDGE: Just diamonds. Right? (Booth looks at him suspiciously) (Cut to: Jeffersonian lab, autopsy room. Cam is examining Greg's body with Wendell as she uses forceps to remove the eyeballs) WENDELL: Wooh. Those eyes are New Year's Eve bloodshot. You think Dorit was hammered when he died? CAM: There's no alcohol in toxscreen. WENDELL: I found this marks on his right arm. Wooh, must've hurt. (screen shows Dorit's arm under magnifier) They're holes; uniform in diameter but the pattern is random. CAM: Looks like they were made with a drill press. WENDELL: He might have been tortured. I'll get the x-ray in high-res photos for Dr Brennan. (takes photos of the corpse) CAM: Wendell. Let me ask you, you mentioned the neighborhood that you grew up (Wendell stops & looks at Cam) and I don't mean to pry, you said it was kinda poor? WENDELL: (jokingly) Like a bar band rather than the opera. Trust me, there are more people on my side than that one. CAM: No! Uh. I- was just asking because of your scholarship. WENDELL: Oh, you mean the miracle. CAM: Miracle? WENDELL: Yeah, that's what me and my mom call it. CAM: Really? WENDELL: Yeah, she's in church everyday giving thanks. (jokingly) I think she's there more than the priest. (Cam smiles at him) You know, when I make cash someday, I'm starting one myself. For the other guys like me. (pauses) Oh um, sorry. You have a question about the scholarship? CAM: (stutters) No. That- just answers about everything. (Cam & Wendell exchange glances; with Cam looking away after that, feeling a little heartbroken for Wendell) (Cut to: CIA Headquarters. A lady, Mandy Summers is showing Booth the office Greg works at) MANDY: (leading the way for Booth) This is Greg Dorit's office. Mr.Rutledge wanted me to make sure that you have everything you need. (opens the door to Greg's office & enters) Can't believe Greg is dead. BOOTH: (inspects the office) There's nothing here. There's no computer, there's no files, there's nothing. MANDY: Any employee who dies have his files and equipments secured. BOOTH: Were you friends with Mr Dorit? (Mandy nods her head) You know, they said he wasn't a good analyst. Maybe that's what got him killed. MANDY: No no! He was exceptional at his job! He was always finding threats the other analysts missed. BOOTH: Then why would they say he wasn't good? MANDY: Because Greg would push, makes sure his leads were followed or he'd file a report. (pauses for a moment & turns around; making sure she was discrete) They want him to look a little nuts, so his reports wouldn't be taken seriously. BOOTH: You know what he was working on before he disappeared? MANDY: No. But he was working late. We were supposed to have lunch over the weekend, but- (hesitates to continue) BOOTH: But? MANDY: But I never heard from him. BOOTH: Is there anything else you wanna tell me? MANDY: (quickly replies) No. BOOTH: (coyly) Mr Rutledge did say, whatever I need. MANDY: He did say that. BOOTH: Yeah. MANDY: (quickly shuts the door behind her) Greg was told to testify against someone and he wasn't sure if the guy was really guilty, but it was part of his job as an analyst and he wanted to be a team player. BOOTH: So who did he testify against? MANDY: His name is Pedro Marquez. Agency thought he was terrorist. He was detained in prison for almost a year before he was cleared of all charges. BOOTH: So it was Greg's testimony that put him behind bars. So did Greg think that this Marquez guy was seeking revenge? MANDY: (whispers) Well, I did. Marquez was just released from prison last week. [SCENE_BREAK] ACT FOUR (Cut to: FBI interrogation room. Booth & Brennan questions Pedro Marquez about Greg) BOOTH: So Pedro, (shows him a photo of Greg) you recognize this man? PEDRO: Yeah. That's the spook who accused me of being a terrorist. I mean, cmon, look at this face. BOOTH: They thought you were the retread for SUV's, huh? But really, you're just a poor little misunderstood car thief who owns a chop shop. PEDRO: Yeah. BOOTH: So. Greg Dorit, Pedro. PEDRO: My mom says I should write him a 'thank you' note. BRENNAN: What, for sending you to jail? PEDRO: CIA just cut me a cheque of a hundred grand for a wrongful something, and uh, defamation something. (Booth gives him a blank look) I got it yesterday. Hey, I don't have to steal cars anymore. BOOTH: Alright, so where were you last Friday night? PEDRO: Working. Like I said, I only just got the cheque. BRENNAN: At your chop shop, do you have a 70 gauge drill bit? PEDRO: Yeah, I got every size. BOOTH: We have evidence that Dorit here, was tortured before he was killed. PEDRO: (surprised) Wait, the dude's dead?! BOOTH: Yeah, and they drilled holes into his arms. BRENNAN: And a 70 gauge bit would be a perfect fit. PEDRO: Oh, come on. BRENNAN: That was before the CIA gave you the cheque. BOOTH: I'm thinking that he's looking to take out some revenge. PEDRO: Hell no! You can ask my mother, I would never kill no one. BOOTH: So I'm saying that you followed Dorit, saw him take out the courier, so you probably figured that the briefcase was very valuable, so you killed Dorit and take off with the case. PEDRO: (pauses) Is there any way possible you can accuse me of all these charges in a public courtroom? Cause I would really like to buy my mama a new condo. (Booth and Brennan exchange glances) (Cut to: Jeffersonian lab. Wendell is with Dr. Brennan on the platform and examining the x-rays) WENDELL: According to his files, Dorit fractured his ankle twice, trying to complete an entry level obstacle course during CIA training. BRENNAN: This makes no logical sense. He dressed like a fictional British spy and pursued a shadow career as a CIA field agent eventhough he clearly do not possess the physical aptitude necessary for success. WENDELL: He doesn't want to be stuck behind a desk. He saw an opportunity to live out his dreams and he took it. BRENNAN: (scoffs) It's ridiculous. WENDELL: I don't know, but it's always been my dream to work with you. (Brennan looks awed) Sometimes, dreaming is the way to go. No, not in the case of course. (chuckles) I, uh, cross reference the x-rays, and enlarge the holes made into the radius. Most drill bits leave striations, these have none. BRENNAN: So, not a drill. Find out what other objects can make cavities this smooth. WENDELL: Already on it (smiles and walks off) BRENNAN: Excellent work, Mr Bray. I'll be sorry to see you go. WENDELL: (turns around in confusion) Oh. Where am I going? BRENNAN: Cam didn't tell you? WENDELL: I guess not. BRENNAN: She can be occasionally, quite sentimental. Uh, the fundings were cut back and you lost your scholarship, which means your internship is cancelled. WENDELL: (in disbelief) But aren't there any other funding resources? BRENNAN: We have explored all of these alternatives. WENDELL: (still shocked) I know. I can take the autumn work. But if I'm uh, placed here, there's no guarantee I can come back, right? BRENNAN: We can't hold a place. No, I'm sorry. (inhales deeply) WENDELL: (disappointed) Sure. I understand. BRENNAN: You are one of the best interns I've ever had the pleasure to work with. You will be missed. (Hodgins enters the platform; unaware of what just happened) HODGINS: (enthusiastically) Okay, so I was inspecting Dorit's watch and I see the battery case is loose, so I opened it. And what do I find? A bug. BRENNAN: Why such an excitement over this particular insect? HODGINS: Cause this bug, is not an insect. It's a bug, bug. (holds up a surveillance bug) (Brennan looks unimpressed, instead she glances at Wendell who also looks unimpressed; still devastated over the news) HODGINS: Someone was spying on our spy, who was spying on another spy. (silence) Come on! A little enthusiasm here? (Brennan still silent, Wendell speaks up) WENDELL: I lost my scholarship. HODGINS: (to Brennan) Oh man! You told him?! BRENNAN: I thought he knew! Wha- (looks over at Wendell again & noticed his devastation) I'll- I should tell Booth about this surveillance device (walks away) (Hodgins and Wendell exchange looks) (Cut to: FBI Builiding, Booth's office. Booth is seen putting a band-aid on his arm as Brennan enters) BRENNAN: You okay, Booth? BOOTH: (gets up from his chair) Yeah, what's up? BRENNAN: Did Mandy fight back when you brought her in? (approaches Booth) BOOTH: I'm fine! I just cut myself while trying to fix the pipes. (avoiding Brennan & seems to leave in a rush) BRENNAN: Let me see (reaching out for Booth's arm) BOOTH: No, Bones! I'm fine. Let's get to Mandy, she's waiting in the interrogation room. (Brennan still insisting on grabbing Booth's arm to check) BRENNAN: Well, she can continue to wait! Didn't your book for imbeciles teach you how to avoid injuries? (Booth still avoiding Brennan from checking his arm) BOOTH: No, the book sorta ran out of copies. And it's book for dummies, not book for imbeciles. And I thought I would remember how to fix the pipe, but I can't. BRENNAN: I'm sure it's very difficult. I mean, I can't imagine being capable to fix my own plumbing. BOOTH: Cause you don't want to! You'd rather buy a plumber. BRENNAN: Well, I'd rather have someone teach me. BOOTH: Look, I can teach you. Well, I could've taught you. I just- let's get inside. (enters the interrogation room with Brennan) (Cut to: Interrogation room. Booth & Brennan interrogates Mandy Summers about the bug found in Greg's watch) BRENNAN: Rutledge said that the bug was checked out in your name. MANDY: I got the bug because I was afraid that Greg was cheating on me. BOOTH: So, why didn't you mention this before? MANDY: We weren't supposed to date! But I guess it's not like the FBI. We're not allowed to sleep with someone else we're working with. BRENNAN: (to Booth) What? Is she talking about us? BOOTH: We're not- BRENNAN: No! MANDY: Oh, it's okay. I'm CIA. My lips are sealed. (Brennan & Booth still speechless) Greg and I were under the radar. Weeks before he went missing, Greg broke up with me. I guess I got a little too jealous. (digs her pocket, takes out her phone & shows something on it to Booth) BOOTH: Let me see this (Brennan looks over at it too & in the phone was shown a photo of Greg holding up his hand as if he was waving goodbye) Wait a second, this is how he broke up with you? He sent a picture to you, waving goodbye to you, in an email? MANDY: Well, we had our problems. But we love each other! Greg was about to propose to me. BRENNAN: And why did you think that? MANDY: Because the last conversation I overheard, it was Greg and Mr Rutledge. They were talking about diamonds. (Booth & Brennan became suspicious) And I felt so guilty for not trusting Greg, so I disconnected the bug and I never heard anything else. I swear! (Cut to: Jeffersonian lab, Angela's office. Hodgins and Angela are examining the photo in Mandy's phone) HODGINS: What kind of creep breaks up with someone over an email? ANGELA: (chuckles) Yeah, well like there's an acceptable protocol for crushing someone's soul. (notices something odd about the picture) Hey, wait a second. This is weird. (approaches the screen) This image file is way bigger than it should be. Which either means there is some sort of compression in there or- HODGINS: Or a stenographer hidden data within the file. (Screen emits a lot of beeping sound as Angela tries to separate the components of the photo) ANGELA: Look at all that code. Maybe he wasn't breaking up with her at all. (looks at Hodgins) HODGINS: (moves closer to the screen & impressed with the hidden code) She was the only person he could trust. (looks at Angela) He's sending her a message. ACT FIVE (Cut to: Jeffersonian lab. Wendell & Cam are still examining Greg Dorit's skeleton) WENDELL: Still no cause of death, but the damage to the cartilage and the lumbar vertebrae definitely indicate torture. He was placed in a very painful way for a long period of time. I'm analyzing the injuries to get the exact position. CAM: The strange is, I've found no contraction band necrosis in the myocardium in the heart. WENDELL: That means he showed no signs of distress even after hours of torture, isn't that impossible? CAM: Unless the CIA underestimated this guy. Anyone who can take that kind of abuse makes James Bond looks like a weeny. WENDELL: (chuckles) Weeny? CAM: (smiles) I'm sorry, I have no idea where that came from. WENDELL: (smiles back sadly) I'm gonna miss you. (Cut to: FBI Building. Brennan enters to see Booth who is eating a cup of noodles) BRENNAN: Hey, Angela is still trying to decode the picture. She says it's very complex. BOOTH: (chewing on his food) We're dealing with the CIA here, Bones.(Brennan hands over a plastic bag with something inside to Booth) What's that? BRENNAN: (excited) The book you wanted! To fix your plumbing. I found it at a used bookstore! BOOTH: (surprised and impressed) Look at that! Thanks, Bones! That, is the sweetest thing! (takes out the book) BRENNAN: Sure! (grabs the book) Uh, the book was um, $6.42. You can pay me later. BOOTH: (eating his noodles) Mmhm, excuse me? It's a gift! BRENNAN: No, wait no! If it's a gift, you might think of it as an insult to your virility. I can take a cheque if that's easier. BOOTH: (sarcastically) How about a credit card? BRENNAN: (unaware of the sarcasm) No, I don't take credit card. BOOTH: Right. I was just joking. Well you know, now, once I flipped through this...Uh y'know, if you wanna learn.. BRENNAN: Sure. I always wanted to learn how to wheel the wrench. BOOTH: Okay. Just don't get all defensive if I know something more than you do. BRENNAN: There is something I don't understand. How come we can't bring Rutledge in for questioning? Mandy said he was dicussing with Dorit about diamonds. Clearly, he was lying. BOOTH: Bones, he's the Assistant Director of the CIA. We just can't accuse him of murder without something more definitive than an overheard conversation. BRENNAN: But perhaps, Mr Bray found something more on the remains. Cam says he's staying remarkably focused despite losing his scholarship. (Cut to: Jeffersonian lab. Wendell enters the room along with Cam explaining something about the remains) WENDELL: I found in addition to the perimortem discompaction, there's also significant hemorrhaging on C3. CAM: Truma-confined in a limited space. WENDELL: If a precision knife-hand strike was delivered at C3 (does hand motion), it could be used to render a victim unconscious. CAM: A blow to that region could cause a severe nerve damage. WENDELL: Which is why the maneuver is also known by trained combatants, special forces, navy seals- CAM: And perhaps, the Assistant Director of the CIA. WENDELL: If he'd been a field agent first, it seems likely. (his phone starts ringing) Oh. (reaches for his phone & looks at caller ID) Uh, that's my mom. I haven't told her yet, you mind if I take this? CAM: (shakes head in approval) I'll let Booth know. (walks away, still feeling upset over Wendell's loss) WENDELL: (in the background) Hi mom. (Cut to FBI building. Booth, Brennan and Sweets talks to PRESCOTT Prescott from the State Department) PRESCOTT: Prior to becoming Assistant Director, Rutledge was a field agent in Russia. BRENNAN: Where he could have met Antonov. PRESCOTT: In 2004, he headed a detention center in Afghanistan. SWEETS: Yeah, where he earned a reputation for very effective interrogation technique. BOOTH: Torture? SWEETS: Yeah, one of the techniques was temporary nerve damage to the spine. BRENNAN: Why would he torture Greg Dorit? They're on the same side. SWEETS: Perhaps he's a double agent. I mean, Rutledge certainly fits that profile. They're usually intelligent male officers who had poor father figures, resulting in oppressed anger and revenge fantasies. PRESCOTT: Double agent? SWEETS: By betraying his country, Rutledge is in a sense choosing a new father, one which might treat him better than the last. BRENNAN: Yes, but that would fit Booth and he's not a double agent. (to Booth) Are you? BOOTH: (disbelief) What? Stop! Watch it, Sweets. SWEETS: Elephants are gray, Agent Booth. But not all gray things are elephants. BOOTH: (confused & asks Brennan) That's good for me, right? BRENNAN: (looks at Booth) Yeah. PRESCOTT: You're really going to trust something this important to a kid? (points at Sweets) SWEETS: Oh, me? At least I tuck myself in at night. PRESCOTT: Okay, there's a briefcase out there and only God knows what is inside and apparently you people don't seem to have a clue. BOOTH: (looking at a case file) Oh. BRENNAN: (looks over) What is it? BOOTH: Maybe we just found our smoking gun (hands over case file to Brennan to read & stands to leave) (Cut to: Interrogation room. Booth & Brennan interrogates Rutledge) BOOTH: You put in a request to ICE to pull a baggage inspector off the diplomatic line and replace him with one of your own men. BRENNAN: You created a security hole so that the briefcase could enter the country. BOOTH: See that right there? (holds up a signed form) That's your signature. You're going down. (All 3 of them exchange glances for a while before Rutledge decides to speak again) RUTLEDGE: Okay. Whatever recording equipment you have in this room, turn it off. (Brennan looks hesitatingly at Booth, then Booth signals to someone behind the mirror to turn it off) RUTLEDGE: I created the hole, so that an additional of 20 million in diamonds can be brought into the country. The diamonds were then to be shipped to Pakistan in exchange for political prisoners. BOOTH: You keep congress in the dark. Iran-contra all over again. BRENNAN: So you killed your own analyst because he got in your way? RUTLEDGE: No. Dorit read some online chatter about the exchange. I told him to mind his own business. I tried to save him. Dorit got killed because he didn't listen to me. BOOTH: Maybe he got killed because there was something more dangerous in that briefcase instead of diamonds. ACT SIX (Cut to: Jeffersonian Lab, Angela's office. She's examining Dorit's photo when Cam walks in) CAM: (sense of urgency) Hey, have you seen Booth and Brennan? ANGELA: Uh, they're in the bone room. Is everything okay? CAM: (in a rush to leave) No. The CIA is taking over the investigation and they're collecting both sets of remains in 10 minutes. ANGELA: (taken aback) Wai-wait, so we only have- CAM: 10 minutes. How are things going in here? ANGELA: Um. I'm still trying to decode the image. It seems that most of the date is centered in his hand. It could be a map of some kind. CAM: (rushes to leave) Well, do it fast. (Cut to: Bone room. Cam just informed Booth, Brennan and Wendell about the CIA) BOOTH: (pissed off) Rutledge is claiming National Security? BRENNAN: He can't do that. BOOTH: No, he can't! He can just bury the evidence and we won't be able to touch him! CAM: Nine minutes left. WENDELL: Nine minutes, you're joking right? BOOTH: It's not a joke. (to Wendell) Let's pretend this is the Stanley Cup finals, alright? You're down by 2 goals and you have 9 minutes left. WENDELL: But there's so much data here- BOOTH: The puck is about to drop. How do you wanna go down? How do you want to be remembered? WENDELL: (chuckles) Alright. I found erosion fractures along the proximal humerus. Also, the heads of each femur were dislocated from the acetabula. Mr. Dorit's body was bent back so far that the tendons snapped the bone. BRENNAN: That would happened if his hands and feet were tied behind his back. WENDELL: Right. Then he was hung by his hands. I did a computer simulation (grabs remote to show simulation) CAM: (sees simulation) Okay, if he was left upside down long enough, congestion of the head and brain can lead to asphyxiation. Particular hemorrhaging would explain the bloodshot eyes. BRENNAN: We have cause of death. BOOTH: Great! That's one goal. But we still can't tie Rutledge to the murder! BRENNAN: When I was in Schastia identifying bodies, there was one victim who suffered an Ukranian torture called the Swallow. He was suspended upside down, very similar to this. BOOTH: No, that's not enough. (to Wendell) Okay, look. You got one shot. One shot on goal. Whatcha gonna do? WENDELL: (thinks for a moment before figuring it out) The holes on the radius! I've been trying to figure out what caused them. It wasn't drill. But it was strong enough to bore through bone but leave no trace. BRENNAN: A laser. WENDELL: Diamonds are cut by laser. BRENNAN: Lena Brodsky is the head of a diamond firm, she would have easy access to a laser. BOOTH: She's Ukranian! Dorit got to the case before she did, she's the one who tortured and killed Dorit. (Rutledge walks in) RUTLEDGE: (to his agents) Take the body. BRENNAN: No! Wait, you can't take him. WENDELL: Yeah! We're still in regulation and we have 4 minutes left on the clock! BOOTH: (to Rutledge) Look, we know you didn't kill him. But Dorit knew Antonov was working for Lena Bordsky. He came to you guys but you didn't listen, so he takes care of it himself. BRENNAN: And then Lena finds out, kills him. She must know where the briefcase is. (Cut to: FBI building, interrogation room. Lena Bordsky is seen in handcuffs) BRENNAN: We have the neodymium laser you used to burn holes in Greg Dorit's arm. BOOTH: And the gun you fired at Dorit's car after you saw him take off with your case. BRENNAN: What was in that case that is so much more valuable than millions in diamonds? RUTLEDGE: Where is the briefcase, Lena? BOOTH: (Lena still silent) Okay, great. Whoever who hired you, they can't be too happy. So when we send you back to Ukraine, I'm sure you'll live a long life. (turns to leave) LENA: I don't know where the case is. Dorit never talked. After what I've put him through, he should've talked. Anyone would've talked. (pauses) I've never seen a man so brave. BOOTH: (phone starts ringing & picks up) Booth. (Cut to Angela's room and transition to Booth's room in FBI building with Brennan & Rutledge) ANGELA: I was right, it's a map. (referring to Greg's photo) Keep your eye on his hand. He wasn't waving goodbye. He was telling Mandy where he hid his briefcase. (Screen zooms in on Dorit's photo and reveals a location in coordinates) BOOTH: We don't know what's in that case. (to Rutledge) Call in your calvary RUTLEDGE: I know how to do my job. BRENNAN: Then, how come we found the killer and the case? (Cut to: A scene shows a FBI vehicle with the sirens turn on, then transitions to a man gearing up a protection suit. He enters the locker room where the briefcase is hidden. Booth, Brennan and Rutledge observes the situation from outside through a webcam. The locker is broke open and the briefcase is seen. After examining the contents of the briefcase, a signal of clearance is given. Booth, Brennan and Rutledge enters the locker room to view inside of the briefcase and a USB computer drive is seen.) BRENNAN: A USB computer drive. That's what this was all about? BOOTH: Information. Today, it can be more dangerous than one bomb. (Cut to: Greg Dorit's memorial) BOOTH: Stars on the wall represents agents who died courageously while serving the country. BRENNAN: The memorial wall was reserved for agents. Mr. Dorit is not an agent. RUTLEDGE: Mr Dorit's case, I asked to make an exception. (Cut to: Jeffersonian Lab. The team bids goodbye to Wendell) ANGELA: (hugs Wendell) I'm gonna miss you, Wendell. Stay safe, okay? WENDELL: Yeah. You too. HODGINS: (handshakes and pulls Wendell into a guy hug) Won't be the same without you, man. BRENNAN: (Wendell looks at Brennan) We are all, grateful for your exceptional work, Mr. Bray. (offers a handshake) WENDELL: Thank you. CAM: (walks in) Hold on a second. WENDELL: Oh, don't worry. I wouldn't have left without saying goodbye. CAM: (smiles) That's nice, but you don't have to leave. WENDELL: (confused) Excuse me? CAM: I was just notified that they found new funding for your scholarship. You are covered in full for the next 2 years. Apparently, a donation was made anonymously. WENDELL: (surprised) Anonymously. (looks at Brennan, then at Hodgins but none of them said anything) Please allow me to say thank you to anonymous. (smiles) BRENNAN: We still need all the evidence photographed and catalogued before we send it to the federal prosecutor's office, Mr Bray. WENDELL: Yes, Dr. Brennan. Right away. (looks at everyone) Thank you. (walks off) CAM: (to the rest of them) Actually, they received enough anonymous donations for 3 scholarships (smugs) BRENNAN: (smugs) Hmm. HODGINS: (smirks) That is, quite a coincidence. (walks out) CAM: Mmhmm, it really is. (walks out too) (Brennan and Angela smiles at each other) (Cut to: Booth's apartment. Booth and Brennan is seen huddle on the kitchen sink) BOOTH: For the next step, you need to attach the elbow using a PVC cement there. (Brennan tries to fix the pipes) Stick that little fuzzy ball in there and swish it around. Got it? BRENNAN: (applying PVC on pipe) It stinks. BOOTH: Yeah. Well you smell dead bodies and this stinks? Okay. BRENNAN: There's a beautiful logic to this. It's like reconstructing the circulatory system. The water is the blood. The pipes are the veins. BOOTH: Right right. So what you need to do is apply some pressure and hold it there for a minute (places his hand over hers to hold the pipe in place; both of them looked at each other) Right. You know, just making sure that it's in place. Student-teacher, student-teacher. (Brennan laughs; followed by Booth laughing along) BOOTH: You know, Bones, I'm.. I'm glad that, uh, we don't have any secrets between each other. BRENNAN: Yeah, I like that. BOOTH: I mean if we have something on our mind we just, we just share it. BRENNAN: Sure. (pauses) Even with all of the financial and intellectual contradictions I, still feel close to you BOOTH: Right, because you know, none of that really matters anyway. BRENNAN: Sometimes looking at it through your eyes, I believe that. (They both look into each other eyes for a while before Booth speaks again) BOOTH: Alright, pipe seems tight and secure. (removes his hand from the pipe) Hold on there, let me just open up the water (reaches for the taphead and turns it on) There. You can take your hands off now, Bones. BRENNAN: (hesitating) You sure? BOOTH: Bones- (Brennan lets go her hand quickly) BOOTH: Look at that, huh. Nice and secure. BRENNAN: No drip. BOOTH: No drip. (Brennan chuckles) You're a ...you're a good student. BRENNAN: Oh. Only as good as my teacher (smiles) (Pipe suddenly burst out with water) BRENNAN: Ahhh! (covers herself from the water) Turn it off! BOOTH: (covering his eyes from the water) Huh? Ahhhh. Ahahahah! BRENNAN: (already out from under the sink) My watch is ruined! BOOTH: What do you mean your watch is ruined? It's a Rolex! (Screen fades to black. The End.)	Plan: A: the undisclosed contents; Q: What was the briefcase of the man murdered for? A: Early evidence; Q: What leads the team to suspect secret operatives are at work? A: their theories; Q: What is supported when the remains of a CIA agent are found in a trunk of a car? A: CIA; Q: What agency is the body of a dead agent from? A: U.S.; Q: What country is the CIA's Assistant Director of Intelligence loyal to? A: Brennan's best-selling book; Q: What is a point of contention between Brennan and Booth? A: financial success; Q: What does Brennan's best-selling book lead to? A: Wendell; Q: Which Jeffersonian intern loses his scholarship? A: alternative funding; Q: What do the team look for to keep Wendell around? Summary: Brennan and Booth investigate the body of a man murdered for the undisclosed contents of a briefcase. Early evidence leads the team to suspect secret operatives are at work, and their theories are supported when the liquefied remains of a CIA agent are discovered in the trunk of a car. When Brennan and Booth interrogate the CIA's Assistant Director of Intelligence, they are left unsure of his allegiance to the U.S. Meanwhile, Brennan's best-selling book leads to financial success and serves as a point of contention with Booth, and Jeffersonian intern Wendell loses his scholarship, leaving the team to look for alternative funding to keep him around.
Jim: All right, let's get started. Umm... Oh, first off, we're supposed to be pushing cardstock this week. So... let's push cardstock this week. Uh, also... [to Dwight] what is this? Dwight: Tape recorder. Jim: For what? Dwight: For recording. Michael is on vacation and he's asked me to record all meetings and to type up the transcripts. Jim: OK. Uh, Karen, any news from that law firm? Karen: Yeah, the deal closed yesterday, it's the six month commitment. Jim: Oh my God, Dwight, what're you doing? Dwight: What? Jim: You're not allowed to take off your pants in the middle of the office. Dwight: I'm not. Jim: Dwight, you know what, just back up, okay, that's making me uncomfortable. This is sexual harassment, by the way. Oh my God! He's got a knife! Dwight: I do not have a knife! Jim: No, let the record show that Dwight K. Schrute is now completely nude and is holding a plastic knife to Stanley's neck?! Dwight: [leans into tape recorder] Let the record show that Jim Halpert is a liar! Jim: [picks up tape recorder and speaks into it] Dwight Schrute is now wearing a baby's bonnet. Dwight: Give me it. I am not. Phyllis: Oh, Jim Carrey just walked in! Dwight, get his autograph for Michael quickly... Dwight: Jim Carrey did not just walk in, OK. Karen: Dwight, what is that on your stomach? Is that a Muppet Babies tattoo? Jim: Oh my God, Karen, you're right, that is Animal from the Muppet Babies. Dwight: You can't see... You can't see my stomach. Andy: I am now chopping off Phyllis' head with a chainsaw! ... Rin-in-in-in-in-in! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hey, mon! Pam: Hey. You have a bunch of messages and... [sees Michael shaking head with beads in hair] that's nice. Hannah quit while you were gone. I guess she memo-ed to file some complaints she had about being a working mother? And so you might also have to be deposed. Michael: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Relax. Pam: OK. Michael: Just relax, OK? I'll get to all of it later. Pam: It's kind of serious. Michael: Aren't you going to ask me how Jamaica was? Say it. Ask me. Pam: How was Jamaica? Michael: It was so good. Oh, Hey mon! At Sandals, Jamaica, when somebody says "Hey mon," everybody says "Hey mon" back. Stanley: Oh, Michael, I'm glad you're here. Michael: Stanley. You know what? It is really good to see you, too. Stanley: My bonus check was a hundred dollars less than you promised. Michael: OK, well payroll is in charge of all that. Stanley: They said I should talk to you. Michael: Well, I am just getting settled in. So, I'm gonna... Stanley: I am not doing a lick more work until I get my full bonus check. Michael: You are not as much fun as your Jamaican brothers... mon. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: You want to talk about it? Karen: Nope. [SCENE_BREAK] Karen: I still haven't found an apartment yet. I'm living in a hotel. Yesterday, I saw a "for rent" sign down the street from Jim and he said he didn't think it'd be such a good idea. He said it would be like we were living together. In different houses. Two blocks away. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Feelin' hot, hot, hot! [playing conch shell] Feelin' hot, hot, hot! Feelin' hot, hot, hot! Feelin' hot, hot, hot! That's all I know so far, but I'm gonna keep practicing. Pam: That's good. [Michael continues to play conch shell] Michael: You know, I had never been out of the country before now? Pam: Huh. Michael: Got to see how Jamaicans live. It is great, you know. They just relax, they party all the time. Pam: It's kind of an impoverished country. Michael: Yeah... Gosh. Great. You know what, Pam? Make a note. I want us all to start having pina coladas every day at three. Pam: But you can't today, we're doing inventory. Michael: Inventory's at the end of December. Pam: We couldn't do it without you, so we postponed. Michael: I specifically went on vacation so I would miss it. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Inventory is boring. In the islands, they don't make you do stuff like take inventory. Why do you think so many businesses move to the Caymans? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Tonight, we are going to have an inventory luau. I want to bring back a little slice of paradise to the Dunder Mifflin warehouse inventory. So, Party Planning Committee, get on it. Angela: By the end of the day? That's impossible. Michael: The Jamaicans don't have a word for "impossible." Jim: Yep, it's English, it's "impossible." Angela: Michael, there's no way we can do it in time. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: How hard is a luau? All you need are some grass skirts, pineapple, poi, tiki torches, suckling pig, some fire dancers. That's all you need. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Come on in. Settle in. Settling. Settling... and settled. Good, there is something I would like to show everybody. See this sign? [points to a TV monitor of a picture from Jamaica and reads] "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem." This is an attitude I would like all of you to have right here. So what, if we have to stay late to do inventory? No problem. Pam: Oh my God. Is that Jan? [points to same monitor] Everybody: What? Where? Pam: On the left. Everybody: Oh yeah, oh my God. Michael: No, no, no. No, that's a German woman named Urkel Grue. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Jan told me to play it cool and not tell anybody because it can get us both in trouble. So officially, I did not see her. But I did see Jan there. In our room. At night. And in the morning. That's all I'm gonna say. sx. We had sx. I had sx with her. I had sx with Jan. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [on phone] Hey dude. I just got back from Jamaica. Packer: Big whoop! I was in Hot-lanta. That whole town is whacked. Michael: Yeah, that sounds amazing. You know what? The lady Jan Levinson wanted to go to Montego Bay. Packer: You took the ice queen? I don't buy it. Michael: Well I'm looking at a photo, right now. And I'm telling 'ya, could be in Maxim. Packer: They wouldn't give you a subscription to Maxim. Michael: Oh no? Packer: No. Michael: OK. Well, check this out. I am sending you some email. You got it? Packer: Well, no. I got nothing. Michael: Check it again. Hit refresh. Packer: Yeah, Mike, still nothing. Michael: OK, wait a second. I sent it to you at... [reading computer screen] [email protected]. [email protected]. Uh oh. Packer: Wait, I just got it from somebody else. Wow. This is hot. Damn! How do I get you out of this picture? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Darryl?! Hey. Hi. Where's Darryl? Roy: He's in the office. Michael: OK, Hey, man, how's it going? Darryl: All right, what's up Mike? Michael: That's great, OK. Um, so did you get an email from me? Darryl: Yup. Michael: OK. Well, that was supposed to go to Packer, not "packaging." Did you already, um, forward to a whole bunch of people? Darryl: Uh huh. Michael: OK. Um, well, did you get the second email that I sent? Explaining that the first email was a mistake and that you should delete it. Darryl: Yup. Michael: And you sent that out to everyone? Darryl: Mike, I'm very busy down here. [eats chicken] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Yikes. Kevin: Already sent it to you my friend. Jim: Fantastic. Andy: Boring. Call me if she rolls over. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Hey. Jim: Hey. Pam: You OK? Jim: Yeah. Pam: You sure? Jim: Yeah. Yes. Um, I'm just in this, like, stupid fight with Karen. Pam: Oh. You want to talk about it? Jim: Really? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I have a special assignment for you. Dwight: Who's the target? Michael: A sensitive email has been released to the office. It contains a file, a picture. The file name is "Jamaican Jan Sun Princess." Dwight: What's it of? Michael: Not important. Dwight: Unless you're willing to tell me everything, I cannot accept this assignment. Michael: OK, forget it. Dwight: OK, I accept it. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: So, I dunno, I just feel likes we've been dating a month, right? Same street. I think that might be a little close. A little much. Pam: Hmm. Jim: Hmm, what? Pam: How far away does she live now, like ten minutes? Jim: Yeah, I guess. Pam: Honestly, I think you should go easy on her. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: No, I didn't mind helping Jim with his problem. That's what friends do. I help Phyllis all the time. Just yesterday, I untangled a piece of tape from her hair. So, yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Hey, thanks a lot. Pam: Oh, don't worry about it. I mean, it's better than listening to Michael play a conch shell... which is what I was doing. Oh, also, Michael went to Jamaica with Jan! Jim: Oh, yeah, How have we not talked about this already? I mean what happened there? Kidnapping? [both start laughing] [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: Hey I need to talk to you right now. Michael: Not now, not ever. Toby: About you and Jan. Michael: Aww, none of your business. Toby: Wish it were true, but it, it uh, seems from that photo that you took, you've entered into an intimate relationship. Michael: That photo is my personal property and if you are telling me you went on my computer and stole that photo, then I am going to call the cops. Toby: Michael, nine different people emailed me that photo, including my ex-wife... we don't talk now. Michael: This is probably the icebreaker you need. Toby: You know, for your own protection, you should disclose the relationship to HR. Michael: I bet you would love all the details, wouldn't you? Skeevy little perv. Toby: All right, if you're having a relationship with your superior, you must disclose it. Michael: No, no, no. I am not dating Jan. She was very clear about that. Just two like souls having a romantic time in the most romantic place on earth. Got enough, weirdo? Toby: All right, thanks Michael. Michael: OK. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: OK, we only have three hours people to plan a whole luau, and you're not helping. Karen: What are the ingredients of poi? Phyllis: I called every grocery store in Scranton, and no one sells whole pigs. Angela: Did you try the petting zoo? [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [on phone] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Just a second. Michael, it's Jan on the phone for you. Michael: Oh, God, no. No, no! Hang up! Hang up! Tell her I'm not here. Tell... tell her, I ran out for cash. I hit a deer. I hit a deer with my car. Tell her I hit a cat. Tell her I hit a cat. Pam: He'll call you back. OK, great. Michael: She bought it? [Pam nods] OK. OK. Dwight: [to Jim and Ryan] Michael hit a deer? [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Michael! Michael! [pokes head through blinds in Michael's office] There's an emergency in the warehouse. Michael: There an accident? Somebody hurt? Dwight: No, it's... involves the photograph. Michael: Oh. God. No, no, no, no, no. [SCENE_BREAK] Roy: [starts clapping] Mike, you are a rock star, man. You are the man! Well done. Michael: All right. [continued clapping and cheering for Michael] Roy: That corporate booty, he likes to hit it! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hello. Hi. Attention everyone. Um, apparently, there is an email circulating around that contains a very PG-13 rating picture of me and a woman--- Kevin: Jan. Michael: No, Kevin. A woman. Maybe Jan, maybe... Jim: Urkel Grue. Michael: My point is that, if you get it, I would ask that you just delete it. Sight unseen. Let's be professional, all right? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Feelin'... feelin' hot, hot, hot! [plays conch shell] Pam: Hey. Michael: Hey. Pam: What are you doing out here? Michael: Island living. You know? Pam: Jan called. She's coming in later to talk to you. Michael: Did she say what it's about? Pam: That's all she said. Andy: Ole ole - ole ole... Ole ole - ole ole. People in the party - hot hot hot [playing conch shell] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Uh, I think you dropped this [hands over piece of paper] Karen: You sure? Jim: Definitely. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I have disconnected the office T1 line. I have ordered that that [referring to large picture of Michael and Jan in Jamaica on the wall] be taken down and destroyed all print outs from the bathroom. Michael: There are copies in the bathroom? Dwight: There were. A lot of them. Michael: All right. [SCENE_BREAK] Karen: I think I owe you one. Pam: Sorry? Karen: For talking sense into Halpert. The Day's Inn room 228 was starting to get really depressing. Pam: Oh, yeah, no. Don't worry about it. I mean, he was being ridiculous. Karen: Yeah, but... thanks. Seriously. Pam: Sure. [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: Oh, yes! Yes! What'd I tell you? I knew he'd turn up [holds up an iPod inside speakers] You see that? This is the greatest night of my life. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Who did this to you? [refers to Pam crying] Where is he? Pam: What? No, it's not... it's nothing. Dwight: [takes off coat to tie around waist] It's hot in here. Pam: Yeah. Dwight: Yeah. Pam: [Dwight hands out handkerchief] Thanks. You don't need to stay here. Dwight: I know. [puts arm around Pam who continues to cry] So you're PMSing pretty bad, huh? [SCENE_BREAK] Jan: Hello everyone. Hello Michael. Michael: Guh. Kevin: Hi Jan, you look... tan. Jan: I was in Scottsdale visiting my sister. Kevin: Yeah. How was it? Jan: Very sunny. Family's important. Michael, I would like to speak with you, in your office. Michael: OK, yup. [SCENE_BREAK] Jan: Why am I here, Michael? Michael: I... Jan: In the last year, I've gone through a divorce, an identity theft, a husband who would not... communicate. This is nether here or there. My psychiatrist thinks that I have some self-destructive tendencies and that for once, I should indulge them. You following me? Michael: I... I... Yes. Jan: I think I owe it to myself to find some kind of happiness, you know? I mean, even, even if it means... lowering my expectations or, or redefining the word, itself. Michael: OK, yeah. Jan: This is the kind of thing, you know? I am... attracted to you. I, I don't know why, I... but, I am. And, I need to follow my instincts. At least that's what Dr. Perry thinks. Michael: Who is Dr. Perry? I... Jan: This is the point, OK? You're wrong for me. In... In... every way. But I still find myself wanting to... be with you. Michael: And I, to you, in addition, feel the same feelings that you are as well. Jan: Good, good. Michael: So, umm... thanks for coming by. So, I, uh... Jan: Well, good, OK. Thank you... for taking the time... Michael: Well thanks for coming over, I appreciate - [Jan leans over and kisses Michael passionately] Jan: Wait 15 minutes, find an excuse, and meet me at your condo. Michael: Jan, you... complete... me. Jan: Oh, God. [SCENE_BREAK] Roy: Hey, remember when we were planning our honeymoon and you wanted to go to Hawaii and I wanted to go to Mexico? Pam: Yeah. Roy: I was definitely right. [both laugh] Oh, brother. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: What am I going to do? [Refers to large pictures of Jan and Michael] I'm gonna hang it up at home. I don't have a lot of art. [smirks]	Plan: A: Michael; Q: Who accidentally lets slip that he went with Jan? A: Jamaica; Q: Where did Michael go with Jan? A: Jan.; Q: Who does Michael accidentally let slip he went with? A: Todd Packer; Q: Who did Michael try to send a picture of Jan to? A: the packaging department; Q: Where does Michael accidentally send the picture of Jan? A: Karen; Q: Who does Jim argue with about moving into an apartment close to where he lives? A: an argument; Q: What happens between Jim and Karen? A: Pam; Q: Who mediates between Jim and Karen? A: a solution; Q: What does Pam mediate between Jim and Karen? A: Jan later; Q: Who tells Michael that she wants a relationship? A: the office; Q: Where does Jan tell Michael that she wants a relationship? Summary: Michael returns from Jamaica, and accidentally lets slip that he went with Jan. When he tries to send a revealing picture of Jan to Todd Packer, he inadvertently sends it to the packaging department, and soon the picture is spread throughout the entire company. Jim and Karen have an argument over Karen moving into an apartment close to where Jim lives, until Pam mediates a solution between them. Although she appears happy to have helped, she is later seen crying. Jan later appears at the office and tells Michael that she wants a relationship. She has yet to find out about the picture.
[PREVIOUSLY_ON] James: I see why my brother likes you. Mary Margaret: James. James: When you see ol' Dave, tell him there's a new sheriff in town. Cruella De Vil: The Author's power is far greater than that bearded old man wanted you to believe. And when you broke the quill, you sent it right down here to the Underworld. And now you are going to find it down here. And you're going to send me back to our world. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Cruella and and Henry are in Cruella's car, and she is driving them somewhere recklessly.) Henry: Can you please slow down? Cruella De Vil: Darling, you wouldn't be here if you didn't like a little danger. I mean, look at you... sneaking away from your family to bring me back to life. Such a naughty boy. Henry: I just want to find the pen and get this over with. What am I even looking for? Cruella De Vil: A sign, signal, whiff of ink. Look, you're the Author. You're connected to that quill. Henry: (Sees a bright light and points at it) Stop! I saw something. (Cruella stops the car immediately and the tires screech as she comes to a dangerous stop) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Cruella and Henry are now tracking through the woods, and Cruella isn't happy about it) Cruella: Well, there's no pen here, just dirt and things that smell like dirt. Henry: I swear I saw it. Cruella De Vil: Well, then, move those little legs of yours and keep looking. Go! (Shoos him off, before stopping and shuddering). (Henry continues to make his way through the woods, and he stops to look around, when a hand reaches out and grabs his shoulder, turning Henry to face them. This person is the Apprentice) Apprentice: Quiet. We have little time. Henry: I don't understand. W-What are you doing here? You were a devoted apprentice to the Sorcerer your entire life. What unfinished business could you possibly have? Apprentice: You, my boy. I am here to prevent you from making a terrible mistake. You must not resurrect Cruella De Vil. Henry: So the pen can bring someone back. You told me it couldn't. Apprentice: That was a necessary... half-truth. Up there, yes. Down here, the rules are a little more... flexible. I saw no reason to tempt you. The dilemma you are currently in is why. Henry: I'm not getting the pen for Cruella. I'm getting it for me. I just watched my mom become the Dark One. I watched Hook die, and I couldn't do anything. Apprentice: You are the Author. As such, you should use the quill only to record the stories, not create them. Henry: I don't care about the stupid stories anymore. I'm sick of sitting on the sidelines. I want to be a hero. I want to help my mom even if it means helping Cruella. Apprentice: In the Sorcerer's mansion lie all his great works of light magic, the quill included. It is protected by a powerful spell, but the sheriff took the key from me. Acquire that key and the quill is yours. Henry: (Surprised) Wait, what? You're You're helping me? Apprentice: This is your choice, Henry, but the only way that I can move on is if you make the right one. I trust you. (Disappears) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma and Hook are inside their home. Hook is watching Emma as she removes a sheet from the sofa in nursery/living room. Emma then turns back to Hook and attempts to help him to the sofa) Emma: Come sit down. Let me take a look at you. Hook: Are you sure you want to? Hades sort of knocked the handsome out of me. (He groans as he slowly lowers himself onto the sofa) Emma: (Sits down next to him) No one's that powerful. (She heals him with her magic, and restores him with fresh clothes. After a few moments, she leans forward in an attempt to kiss him) Hook: (Pulls back from the kiss) Emma: (Confused) What's wrong? Hook: It's just, um... a lot has happened between us. Emma: Then what's the problem? Hook: I'm the problem. Emma, you were the Dark One for six weeks and only gave in to the darkness out of love. I plunged in headfirst in a second for revenge! I was weak! (Stands up angrily and paces) Emma: Not in the end. Hook: You raised the bar very high, Swan. The fact is, I don't measure up. Emma: (Stands up) Let me be the judge of that. (Walks towards him) If you didn't, would I have come all the way down here to try to save you? Hook: That's my point. I'm not sure I deserve saving. Emma: What are you saying, that you want to stay down here? (A knock comes on the door and Emma appears surprised.) Emma: (Opens the door to see Liam standing there) Hi. Can I... Liam: (Sees Hook) Killian. Hook: Liam? Liam: (Walks into the house) So the rumors are true. After all these years, my little brother is finally here. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Past. Enchanted Forest ] [SCENE_BREAK] (In the past, Liam and Killian are swabbing the deck on a ship that is moored up at the docks. Crew members dodge around them, as they laugh, drinking) Killian: Those fish guts smell particularly foul this evening. Liam: Come on, Killian. The harder we work, the sooner we're finished. Killian: Wish I had your work ethic. Seems I inherited Father's.(Takes a sip of rum from his flask) Liam: Don't joke about that bstrd. He may have sold us into servitude, but tomorrow... we'll be free men. (Pulls out a piece of parchment and hands it to Killian) Killian: Are you serious? You want to join the King's Navy? Liam: There's a signing bonus of 10 silver. On top of what we've already saved, that will buy us our freedom off this bloody cargo ship. Killian: I know that's your dream, mate, but I'm hardly naval material. (Starts swabbing the deck again) Liam: If you served an honorable king, it would change you. You could be a fine captain someday. I know it. Killian: (Chuckles) "Captain Jones" does have a nice ring to it, doesn't it? Silver: (Appeared on deck and standing to the side of them) Ha! Captain Jones? That'll be the day. (Kicks over a bucket of fish guts) You missed a spot there... Captain. Killian: (Angrily stands up and goes to attack Silver) Liam: (Holds Killian back) Killian! Don't! Silver: (Removes his captain's hat) Come on. Let him try. Must be exhausting, protecting little brother from himself. Liam: (To Killian) Hey. (Pushes Killian back) Won't be your concern much longer. Silver: Because you're both going to be admirals in the Navy, right? Fine by me. Long as I get paid. The sober Jones can go and collect his money. The drunk one stays as collateral. Liam: (Stops Killian from attacking once again) Easy, brother. I'll be back by sunrise. And then a proud life in the King's Navy, hmm? [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (In Emma and Hook's house, Emma, Hook and Liam are sitting at the dining table, each with a glass of water, and they are talking) Hook: Liam, what about you? Why are you down here? Liam: I wish I knew. I spent countless years trying to figure out a reason. Hook: (To Emma) There is no reason. Hades has the game rigged so no one can leave. My brother's proof of that. Never did a bad thing in his life. He even died nobly, stopping a treacherous king from poisoning the realm. Liam: Stop it. You're making me blush. Hook: Hades has you two trapped down here, and that cannot stand. The only way everyone will get free is if we defeat Hades once and for all. Liam, you've been down here a very long time. Surely you must know something that can help us. Liam: I know this is a very dangerous game you're playing. There are those who tried to overthrow Hades before. They always spoke of a... a book, which had the power to defeat him. I tried to find it myself, but I'm not even sure what to look for. Emma: I think it's a Storybook. Liam: Storybook? Oh, I wager it would take more than stories. Hook: No, no, no, no, no. She's onto something. In our world, there's a book like this. Emma: Everything up there has a version down here. There has to be one in the Underworld. Hook: If there's a story in that book about Hades, we can learn his weakness and exploit it. Liam: All right. If you believe in this, Killian, I'm with you to the end. This fiend trapped me and tortured you. The day you push your sailors too far... Hook: Is the day the mutiny begins. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma, Hook and Liam have now joined, Mary Margaret, David, and Regina in the Blanchard apartment. David brings a wooden box into the kitchen and places it in front of Mary Margaret) Mary Margaret: In the world above, this is where I found the Storybook. So... (Opens the box and begins searching through, but doesn't find anything) Sorry. Regina: Are we really surprised? That book is the embodiment of hope, and there's not a lot of that here in the Underworld. David: Let's keep looking. (The scene switches to Emma, who is upstairs looking through drawers. She attempts to open one, but is unsuccessful. Liam then comes upstairs and pops his head around the corner) Liam: Emma, can we talk? Emma: (Sighs) Is this like a protective big brother talk where you want to make sure I'm good enough for Killian? Liam: No, because I already know you're not good enough. Emma: (Shocked) What? Liam: Killian blames himself for ending up here, but he told me what happened. Sounds to me like it's not his fault. It's yours. Emma: I think we both made mistakes. Liam: Killian's been fighting darkness his entire life, and you pushed him off the cliff. Emma: I was trying to save his life. Liam: (In a sharp tone) And it was a bloody selfish thing to do. He had a chance to die a hero, to move on, and you took it from him. Emma: That's not fair. I'm down here risking everything to save him. Liam: And is that really what he needs... or what you need? Emma: Were you this self-righteous when you were alive? Liam: When it came to my brother, yes. If he defeats Hades today, he'll forgive himself and he'll have another chance to move on. When that happens, stop thinking about your own desires and let him go. (The scene switches to Hook, who is looking downstairs. He turns when he hears footsteps coming down the stairs. He watches Liam for a few moments, before looking at Emma, and he notices that she doesn't seem herself) Hook: (Concerned) You all right? Emma: (Lying) Yeah. Fine. Let's keep looking. (Walks in Hook's direction) Henry: (Opens the door and enters the apartment) Hey. What's... going on? Mary Margaret: Oh, looking for the Storybook, you know, "Underworld Edition". Henry: Really? Well, I think I might know exactly where it is. David: How would you know that? Henry: The Apprentice. I saw him at... at Granny's. He said the Sorcerer's mansion is down here and there's a bunch of his stuff inside, like the Storybook. Regina: Finally, some good news. Henry: Well, sort of. The house is locked with magic, and the sheriff has the key. Hook: Your evil twin is sheriff? Hades has panache, I'll give him that. David: Well, it's time for my brother and me to have an overdue chat. Mary Margaret: Well, you won't be alone. I still owe him a punch in his pretty mouth for kissing me. David: (Annoyed and slightly jealous) He kissed you? Mary Margaret: Thought it was you. (Heads to the door) David: Let's go. (Follows her) Liam: In the meanwhile, we should all go about our usual business. Hades has eyes everywhere. We can't have him learning what we're up to. Hook: Fine plan. Can't wait to see the look on his face when he learns a valuable lesson... one should never mess with the Brothers Jones. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Past. Enchanted Forest ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Liam arrives back from his adventure to the Naval sign up, with two pieces of paper for him and Killian). Liam: Captain Silver! Two papers of service. I'm pleased to tell you the Brothers Jones will be leaving your employ. Silver: Well, one of you, at least. Liam: What? What's happened? What did you do to Killian? (The camera pans to Killian, who is passed out drunk with an empty bottle of rum) Silver: All I did was offer him a drink. The rest he managed all by himself. He's not much of a gambler. Liam: Killian! (Runs over to Killian and shakes him away)Where's his silver? What have you done with your money? (Grabs Killian's money pouch to find it empty) You gambled. Killian: (Sighs) I'm sorry, brother. Silver: (Stars counting Killian's coins which now belong to him) Liam: (Angry) You bstrd! Silver: I'm not responsible for his weakness. And you still have your money. If you want my advice, cut anchor. Leave the dead weight behind. Killian: (Sighs) Just do it. Liam, go. I can never be the brother you deserve. Silver: We're to set sail, Jones. It's either the Navy or more grain runs with your favorite captain. Liam: (Looks at the paper for a few moments) Then grain runs it shall be. (Walks to the side of the ship) Killian: No. Liam: (Tears the parchment in half and throws them into the water) Come hell or high water, I cannot leave my brother. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Liam is working in the bar and cleaning wine glasses when Hades enters) Hades: Wow. Even for the Underworld, it is dead in here. Liam: Can I help you? If you want a drink, I can make you anything. Hades: That's okay. I can help myself. (Magically produces two glasses of scotch) This Scotch is a few centuries old. I think it's aged quite well. The key is to store it underground. Here. Try some. It's good, right? See, I'm... I'm not such a bad guy. But here you are, trying to stage some kind of a... What's that quaint nautical term you keep using? A (Snaps fingers) that's right... mutiny. Liam: So, you found us out. Hades: Well, like you said, I have eyes everywhere. What I don't have is that Storybook. Liam: And what do you want from me? Hades: Not much. I don't even really care about that book, except for a few select pages... the ones about me. So, find the book and destroy them. Liam: Do it yourself. Hades: It's the Sorcerer's house. Light magic doesn't agree with me, so I kind of need you. Liam: And if I refuse? Hades: I'll tell your brother the thing you never could, the reason you're really down here. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Mary Margaret and David enter the Sheriff's station in search of the key to the Sorcerer's Mansion) David: Looks like my evil twin's out on patrol. Mary Margaret: Great. Then let's find that key and get the hell out of here. Top drawer, just like at home. You two are so alike. David: Next you're gonna say we kiss the same. Never mind. Don't want to know. Just find the key. Mary Margaret: (Searching through the drawer in the desk for the key, and she finds it) Just like the Sorcerer said. Cruella De Vil: James? Is that you, darling? Mary Margaret: (Whispering) Cruella. Cruella De Vil: James? David: (Whispering) Go. I've got this. Mary Margaret: (Protesting) No, David! David:No, she thinks I'm him. Go, go, go, go, go. Mary Margaret: (Quickly leaves with the key) Cruella De Vil: (Enters the room carrying a bottle of wine and two glasses, and she sighs).) Oh, I'm so glad you're here, James darling. I've had a nasty, fruitless day, and Mummy needs to unwind. (Starts walking towards him) David: (Stunned) I'm sure you do. (Cruella kisses him, before making him sit down and she sits on his lap) Cruella De Vil: So, Sheriff... what would you like to try first? The champagne or me? (She pops the cork on the champagne) Ha. David: (Chuckles) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma and Regina are in Granny's, and Emma is on edge because of Liam and her parents) Regina: Will you stop staring at the door? When your parents walk through it, I promise I'll tell you. Emma: Maybe this was a bad idea. I should've gone with them. Regina: Would you relax? People are starting to stare at us. Remember what Liam said we need to act casual. Emma: (Sits down) Yeah, what do you think of Liam, anyway? You don't think he's a little self-righteous, do you? Regina: He doesn't like you, does he? Emma: He doesn't think I'm good enough for Hook. Regina: (Chuckles) To be honest, you're too good for Hook. Emma: He's different with Liam. It's like he thinks he walks on water. Regina: What's going on? Emma: Liam thinks I should let Hook move on. Regina: Who cares what Liam thinks? What does Hook think? Emma: He agrees. Regina: Well, that's because he hasn't forgiven himself. Emma: How do you know that? Regina: Though I hate to admit it, we're much alike... and forgiving yourself is the hardest thing to do. You want to help Hook? Help him with that. Henry: (Opens the door and enters, before walking up to Emma and Regina) Moms... Grandma found the key. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Hook, Emma, Henry, Liam and Regina are walking up to the sorcerer's mansion) Hook: The mansion is here. I guess old White Beard was telling the truth. Liam: Do we have the key? Hook: We have it. But there's a protection spell on the door. Could be dangerous to open it. Liam: Oh, well, I suppose I should do the honors. I've been dead the longest. I'd say I have the least to lose. Hook: You always were the noble one, weren't you? (Hands Liam the key) Liam: (Goes to open the door) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Past. Enchanted Forest ] [SCENE_BREAK] (The ship is now sailing and heading straight for a hurricane. The men are shouting in panic. Liam is looking at the oncoming storm through a spyglass, whilst Captain Silver looks relatively calm. Killian runs up to Liam) Killian: Liam! I'm sorry. I dragged you into this voyage. Liam:[/b ]We have other demons to confront. Look! (Hands Killian the spyglass and motions for him to look at the storm) [b]Killian: (Looks through the spyglass and a look of fear crosses his face) Liam: (Approaches Silver) Captain Silver, are you aware this ship is pointed dead into a storm? Silver: Back to the rigging, Jones. Leave the navigation to the officers. Hook: Well, your officers are doing a piss-poor job! We're 30 degrees off course, headed into a hurricane! Silver: We're aware. Carry on. Liam: Are you mad?! What kind of captain sails into a hurricane?! Silver: The kind that earns his namesake! The king offered a mighty reward for what's inside that storm. Liam: This voyage was never about the grain in the hold, was it? You're going after that cursed sapphire... "The Eye of the Storm"! Silver: So you've heard of it. Killian: Well, every sailor's heard of it. Countless men have sailed into that storm looking for that bloody stone, but none have survived! Silver: If you don't like how I run my ship, you should've left when you had the chance. Now, move along before I string you up for mutiny. Liam: Easy, Captain. I have always abhorred the idea of mutiny. (Looks at Killian, before drawing Silver's sword) But if that's what it takes to save these men, then so be it! Killian: Now, shall we do this the easy way... or the bloody way? (Silver gives the order for one of his men to drop the sword, surrendering) Liam: The ship is ours, men! (The men begin to cheer, and Liam approaches Killian) Liam: Tie these bastards up. I'll go find the captain's charts and plot a course out of this bloody typhoon. Killian: Thank you, Liam. There's no one I'd rather follow into a storm. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (The group continues to make their way through the house. Hook moves a spider cobweb aside and makes sure Emma can pass through as well, before letting it go) Hook: Wonderful. I love what they've done with the place. Liam: We should split up... move fast. Emma: Uh, yeah. I guess. Henry, uh, you got to stay here. Henry: But this was my idea. I'm not gonna stand behind and do nothing. Emma: You're not doing nothing. You're the lookout. Henry: Lookout? Regina: Don't argue with your mother. Henry: But... Regina: Or your mother. (Regina and Liam go in separate directions, whilst Hook and Emma go together, leaving Henry alone in the room) Henry: Last time you leave me behind. All right, pen. If you're in here, give me a sign. (The scene switches to Liam who manages to find the book. He opens it and tears at the pages with Hades's story in and pockets them) Liam: I'm sorry, brother. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Cruella and David are still in the Sheriff's station, and Cruella is trying to get him to drink the champagne) Cruella De Vil: Come on. Drink up like a good boy. David: (Refuses to drink) I have to get up for an early patrol. Cruella De Vil: (Scoffs, but continues to kiss his face) David: Fresh souls arriving. Always someone new to shake down. Cruella De Vil: (Sighs) Is Mummy boring you, James? Normally you're so much more enthusiastic when I come to visit you in your dungeon. (Gasps) Oh. Maybe we need to try spicing things up with a little hardware, hmm? (Picks up a pair of handcuffs before kissing him again) David: (Finally has had enough and throws her off him) Does this act really work on him? Because, frankly, I find it repulsive. Cruella De Vil: Oh, boo! Couldn't you have pretended to be Jimmy a little while longer? David: (Shocked) Wait. You mean all this time, you knew? Cruella De Vil: (Sighs) Well, of course I knew. I mean, you might look like him, but you have none of his unique, delicious damage. David: What damage is that? Cruella De Vil: The damage you're responsible for, darling. David: Me?! I never even met the guy! Cruella De Vil: Oh, sure you have. When you were infants, curled up safe in your mummy's arms, until she had to choose which one of you went to live with the king and who stayed with her. She had to pick her favorite, and she picked you. David: That is not my fault. Cruella De Vil: Well, your brother disagrees. He's spent his whole life and death wondering why you and not him. David: Well, I don't have the answers for him, okay? Cruella De Vil: Oh, there it is. That same damage I see in James. One of these days, you two are going to meet and it's going to be... one hell of a reunion. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (The group are now all stood around the book, and having flicked through it and found nothing on Hades, they all look a bit defeated. Regina still continues to flick through) Hook: There's no mention of Hades' story anywhere. Regina: Why am I not surprised? Emma: (Notices the ripped pages) Yeah, and look. There's some pages that are missing. Regina: Back during the first curse, I tore my story out of Henry's book so he wouldn't know I was the Evil Queen. Hook: Well, if Hades has done the same, we don't stand much chance of finding it. Emma: (Looks at Liam suspiciously) What do you think, Liam? You found the book. Was there any evidence it had been tampered with? Liam: No. And until I find any, I'll choose to have hope. Those pages could have fallen out and still be in this house, and I, for one, won't give up without trying to find them. (Walks out of the room) Regina: I see what you mean about self-righteous. (Follows in the same direction as Liam) Hook: (Turns to follow, but notices Emma hasn't moved) What's wrong? Aren't you coming? Emma: Uh, yeah. Sorry. Let's go. (Starts to leave) Hook: (Stops her because he knows something is off) No, wait. Wait. Not until you tell me what's going on. I know when something's bothering you. (Smiles at her softly) Emma: It's Liam. I've had a bad feeling ever since we met, and at first I thought it was just because he didn't like me. I think he's hiding something. Hook: (Looks shocked) That's preposterous. My brother wouldn't lie. Emma: Maybe there's stuff about him you don't know. Maybe he does know what his unfinished business is down here. Hook: No, you're wrong about him. I know who my brother is. I'm gonna go help him find those pages. (Starts walking away) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Past. Enchanted Forest ] [SCENE_BREAK] (In the Captain's quarters, Liam is looking at a map, in an attempt to try and find a way to avoid the hurricane. Thunder continues to crash outside. Liam doesn't notice that Hades has entered) Hades: You know, reading without the proper light can do a real number on your eyes. Liam: Who are you? Hades: Who I am isn't important. What is, is I'm here to help you. Here. Allow me. (Lights a candle) Ahh. Yeah. Yeah. There. (Chuckles) That's better. You know, this mutiny isn't going to look good for you. Your dreams of captaining a ship in the King's Navy are over. Liam: My dreams? How do you know about them? Hades: (Laughs and sits down at the table) I... I know a lot about you, Liam. Is it still dark in here? Let's try this. (Sets his hair on fire, before magically lighting all the candles in the room) Liam: (Jumps back shocked) You! You're a demon! Hades: Technically, I'm a god, but a lot of people make that mistake. I'm Hades, Lord of the Underworld. Liam: What do you want? Hades: I want the precious cargo aboard this ship. The beautiful, shiny, new souls you're trying to save. Liam: (Grabs a sword and points it as Hades's chest) Hades: (Chuckles) Don't bother with that. You can't hurt me. I'm immortal. Lucky for you, I can't hurt you, either. At least not up here, not in the Overworld. That's what I call this place. My power has its limits here, which is why I came to offer you a deal. You agree to let this ship sink like I want, and I promise to use my magic to ensure you and your brother survive. And to sweeten the deal, I'll even throw in this... (Magically produces the stone Silver had been after) Liam: (Stunned) It's the Eye of the Storm. Hades: You deliver this to your king, and he'll give you anything you want, including that Navy job you've always wanted. Your dreams can be fulfilled. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Liam is by the well. He takes the pages out, looks at them for a few moments, before hearing footsteps behind him. He hurriedly throws the pages into the well, just as Emma approaches him) Emma: Find anything out here? Liam: Emma. I'm afraid a ship's captain can only be cooped up for so long. I had to come out and get some air. What brings you here? Emma: I wanted to show you this. (Pulls out the ring Killian gave her) Liam: Oh. It's the ring I gave Killian. I noticed he wasn't wearing it. Emma: Because he gave it to me. And you know what he told me when he did? That it belonged to a much better man than him. You're his hero. He doesn't think you can do any wrong... which is why I can't figure out... why you would lie to him. Hook: (Walks up to them) Liam, Emma, what's going on? Liam: She thinks I lied to you. Emma: He took the pages. I can prove it. Ask him to show you his hands. He's been hiding them since I got here. Liam: Look, if it would help to clear things up, I'd be happy to. Hook: That won't be necessary. I don't need proof to know what's really going on here. Emma, when are you gonna admit that this isn't really about my brother? Emma: What else would you think it was about? Hook: Us. You think if you can prove that Liam is a villain, then I'll somehow feel like I was less of one. That you can convince me I'm worth saving and that we've got a future together. (Walks closer to Emma) Emma: (Saddened) You agree with him? Hook: Why bring me back if I should just move on? After we defeat Hades, I won't be returning with you. My fate isn't in Storybrooke. It should be determined here. Emma: (Tears begin to fall from her eyes) It doesn't have to be. You can come home. You just have to forgive yourself. Thing is... no matter how many times I tell you, or anybody else does, you have to do it yourself. Walks away and leaves him) Hook: Emma! (Goes to follow her) Liam: (Stops him) Let her go, Killian. It's for the best. Hook: (Notices the ink stains on Liam's hands) Your hand. You are hiding something. Liam: It's nothing. Hook: It's ink from the pages. Emma was right. Why would you lie to me?! Silver: (Walks up with the his crew members who died on the ship) Because... he's got much bigger secrets than what's in some book. Like the truth about what he did to us. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Past. Enchanted Forest ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Killian is now attempting to steer the ship safely as they draw closer to the storm. The crew members are panicking more now) Killian: The storm is upon us, men! Raise the main sail! Hurry! Look alive for your captain, men! (Turns to Liam) You're just in time. We can't take this battering much longer. What course should I have the men chart? Liam: Continue on our present course. Dead ahead. Killian: Into the storm? Liam: I'm afraid we've no choice. According to Silver's charts, there's rocky shores on either side of us! Trying to turn her around in these winds would tear us apart. Killian: Are you sure? Liam: I need your trust, brother. I want you to have this. (Hands Killian his ring) Killian: This is your lucky ring. Liam: The one that always gets me home safe. That's how sure I am. Killian: Men! My brother, Liam, is a true hero! A better man and a better sailor than I could ever wish to be! I would gladly trust him with my life, and if he says that there's a chance that we can be saved, then he will save us! But we have to trust him. Are you with me?! Crew: Aye! Killian: Chart our course dead ahead! [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Hook and Liam are still at the well, while Silver and his crew stand off to the side) Hook: What truth is he talking about, Liam? What does it have to do with those missing pages? Silver: Your brother is not the hero he pretends to be. I found that out when I stopped by his tavern for my usual drink. He had a rather... unexpected guest. (As he says this, the scene shows Silver in Liam's tavern, watching Hades and Liam interact) Hades. He traded our souls for the Eye of the Storm. Hades threatened to reveal the truth unless your brother destroyed the pages from that book. Hook: Liam... please tell me there's another explanation for this. Liam: I'm sorry, Killian! But I didn't have any other choice. I had to do what I could in order to save us. Hook: You lied to me. Silver: And now you're both going to pay. Men! (The crew step forward and place sacks over Liam's and Killian's heads so they can't see where they are going) Hook: No! (Grunts) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] (The crew has taken Hook and Liam to the fire room, intending to send them some place worse. Two crew members lead them to the edge of the ledge) Silver:You can remove them now. (The two crew members remove the sacks from Hook's and Liam's heads. They both looked shocked at where they are, before both crew members retreat back to safety) Silver: It's time to walk the plank. Liam: I'll gladly walk it. Just spare Killian, please. He has nothing to do with this. Silver: He should've gone down along with the ship, like the rest of us. And now he finally will. Liam: (Looks at Hook) I'm sorry, Killian. I wanted to be this perfect example for you... to inspire you. Hook: All you did was raise the bar so high, the only thing I could do was fail. Silver: No more talking! Time to face justice, boys. (His crew members laugh) Hades: (Appears in blue fire) Did someone decide to have a party and forget to invite me? Silver: (Turns to look at Hades and he looks shocked) Lord... Lord Hades. Hades: (Blows Silver off the cliff into the fire) Silver: No! (Screams, before landing in the fire) Hades: (Chuckles) And now for the Brothers Jones. One of them kept up his end of our bargain and gets to live, while the other escaped my dungeon, and for that, he has to pay. At last, we'll see the end of Captain Hook and this time, you won't be able to protect him. Liam: No. I won't let you hurt Killian, no matter what kind of deal we made. Hades: Fine. Have it your way. (Blows again and this time sends Liam over the edge) Hook: No! (Manages to catch Liam's hand, and tries to stop him from falling) Liam, please, hang on. Liam: I'm sorry, brother. Can you forgive me for what I've done? Hook: Yes, but that's not what's important. You need to find a way to forgive yourself. Liam: I can't, not after what I did to you. The only way to make amends is for me to pay the price. Hook: No. No! Liam! (Liam let's go of Hook's hand and falls into the fire. Hook is shocked and turns to face Hades, when the room suddenly comes bright, and the other side of the bridge turns into the ocean with a ship). Hades: (Exhales sharply) No. Hook: What's happening? Hades: You will pay for this. (Disappears in blue fire) (The scene then switches to Liam who is standing a row boat, being lifted back up to safety by water. He's unharmed) Hook: (Turns to face Liam and stands up) Liam. You're safe. Liam: Yes. It appears I am. (Chuckles) I suppose this is a sacrifice I should have made long ago. And now I can finally depart. (As he says this, the boat docks him by the ledge) Hook: Then go. All of you. Now that you finally know the truth, your unfinished business is complete as well. Get on board, men. (The remaining crew member climb into the small lifeboat) Liam: What about you, brother? Hook: My unfinished business isn't done yet. Not until Emma and I have defeated Hades. Liam: Tell her I'm sorry, and I was wrong. She does want what's best for you. And don't worry about reaching that bar anymore, Killian. You've become a true hero in a way I never could. Goodbye. Hook: Goodbye, brother. (They clasp hands, before the lifeboat takes Liam and the crew members away, and Hook watches on) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Past. Enchanted Forest ] [SCENE_BREAK] (The ship has clearly been shipwrecked. Liam and Killian are the only survivors, and they climb onto cry land, coughing and panting) Man: (Approaches them with some naval sailors) Ahoy, there! By the king's name, what's happened to you two sailors? Killian: We're survivors of the tempest... that plagues these waters. Man: Let me guess. You went in search of the Eye of the Storm? If you ask me, you got what you deserved. Liam: You may be right, but that gem is no legend. (Breathing heavily and he pulls out the gem to show the Captain) Man: (Shocked as he looks at it) You found it. Killian: But how? Liam: In the bedlam, my brother was knocked unconscious. I managed to swim us to a few planks of wood. Providence did the rest. Man: Young man, your brother is a hero. My ship will bring you to the king, who has offered a great reward for this stone. Liam: We do not seek wealth, only honor. Perhaps His Majesty might grant us a naval commission? Man: Why wait for the king? I would be honored to offer you both commissions on my ship. She's the flagship of the Royal Navy. Killian: (Looks at the ship) She's very pretty. What's her name? (Smiling happily) Man: The Jewel of the Realm. Killian: Thank you, Liam... for being the hero that I always wished to be. I won't squander this second chance you've given me. (They both laugh as they follow the navy sailors down the beach) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma is still in the sorcerer's mansion. It's clear she has been looking for Hook and Henry who both disappeared. Hook enters the room) Emma: (Breathless and turns to face him) Hook, where the hell have you been? First you and Liam left, then Henry ran off somewhere. Hook: I'm sorry, Emma. You were right about Liam. He destroyed those pages because of a deal he made with Hades years ago... A deal that almost got us thrown into that boiling sea. Emma: (Concerned) Are you okay? Where is he? Hook: He, uh, sacrificed himself, but his sacrifice helped a crew we once sailed with. They finally moved on, thanks to him. Emma: Did he move on, too? Hook: He did... but he helped me see the truth before he went. I'm glad you came down here, Emma. Perhaps I do deserve saving after all. Emma: (Steps closer to him and it's clear she looks happier) Does that mean, when this is all over, you're planning to come home? Hook: Yes. (Chuckles lightly) Everything Liam did was to ensure that I had a future, and I damn well intend to have one. (Pulls Emma into a passionate kiss) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Henry is still in the mansion searching for the pen. He finds the pen and ink hidden in a lamp shade.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma, Hook, Mary Margaret, David and Regina are in the Blanchard apartment. The book is open to a picture of Liam) Mary Margaret: There's nothing in this entire book about Hades. Hook: Liam ripped out every page. On behalf of my brother, I'm sorry. Emma: Maybe there's something else in here that can help us. Our Storybook had all kinds of secrets in it. David: Well, Henry's kind of the expert on Storybooks. Where is he? Emma: He's upstairs going full emo teenager. Regina: And doesn't want to talk to anyone right now. David: Well, maybe he just doesn't want to talk to his mothers. (The scene switches to Henry sitting on the bed when David enters the room) David: Hey, there. What's my favorite grandson up to? Henry: Nothing. Just thinking. David: Mind if I think with you? (Sits on the bed also and sighs) So... what are we thinking about? Henry: I don't want to talk about it. David: Okay. Let's talk about me. (Sighing) I had a... pretty bad day today. I learned that my twin brother resented me his whole life. Henry: I thought he grew up a prince. David: Guess he wanted something else, what I had... a loving mother. Henry: Please don't make this a lesson. David: Too late. See, some people would give anything to have a family like yours, Henry. Because, whatever's going on with you, you know you always have someone you can talk to. Or if you just want to stay up here and be a teenager, that's... cool, too. (Walks back to the stairs) Henry:Wait. David: (Stops) Henry: (Stands up) I need to show you something. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Henry has now joined the group downstairs, and is telling them about the author's pen) Regina: The Author's pen? I thought you destroyed it. Henry: I did, but that just brought it here. The Apprentice told me where it was. I thought if I used its power, I could be a hero. Regina: Henry, what made you think you needed to do this? Henry: At first, it was Cruella. She wanted me to use it to bring her back to life. Emma: Why would you help her? Henry: To help you. She said you have all this guilt about killing her, and that's when I realized I have all this power and I ignore it. I just live in everyone's shadow. I want to be the hero instead of the one the heroes rescue. Emma: I understand that. But that's not the way to do it. Henry: I know, and that's why I'm telling you now. I finally understand what the Apprentice meant. I'm gonna write the stories as they are, and I'll start with Hades. I'm gonna use the pen the correct way... To re-create his story. Mary Margaret: Hades went to a lot of trouble to keep us from learning his story. Regina: Which means we're onto something. David: Question is, what is Hades trying to hide from us? [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Hades is in his private chambers. He bends down by a smokey pool. He magically produces the same pages Liam got rid off. The pages contain information is, and he stops on one of him and Zelena) Hades: (Sighs) Zelena... our secret remains safe. [SCENE_BREAK] [ End of episode ]	Plan: A: Liam; Q: Who sacrifices himself to save Hook? A: Killian; Q: Who did Liam promise would help him get out of Captain Silver's servitude? A: Captain Silver; Q: Who did Liam promise he would find a way to get out of? A: Hades; Q: Who wants pages containing Liam removed from the book? A: the "Eye of the Storm; Q: What jewel did Hades offer to buy Liam's freedom? A: the entire crew; Q: Whose souls did Liam sell to get his freedom? A: the others; Q: Who does Liam join in searching for the Underworld version of the "Once Upon a Time" book? A: the truth; Q: What does Hook learn after Captain Silver and his crew reveal what Liam did in the past? A: Henry; Q: Who discovers that the Apprentice is in the Underworld to help him find the quill? A: the right decision; Q: What does Henry hope Henry will make in lieu of helping Cruella? A: Cruella; Q: Who makes a move on David while he is impersonating James? A: the deception; Q: What does Emma realize about Liam's blackmail? A: Ruth; Q: Who was James' mother? Summary: In the past, Liam promises that he and Killian will find a way to get out of Captain Silver's servitude. However, he eventually gives in to Hades' offer of the "Eye of the Storm" jewel to buy their freedom, in exchange for selling out the souls of the entire crew during a dangerous mission for the same jewel. In the Underworld, Liam is reunited with Hook and joins the others in searching for the Underworld version of the "Once Upon a Time" book, only to be blackmailed by Hades who wants pages containing him removed. When Emma catches on to Liam's deception, Hook learns the truth after Captain Silver and his crew reveal what Liam did in the past, which leads to Liam sacrificing himself to save Hook, allowing he and the ship's crew to move on. It is later revealed that the pages Hades wanted have something to do with Zelena. Meanwhile, Henry discovers that the Apprentice is in the Underworld to help guide him in finding the quill, hoping he will make the right decision in lieu of helping Cruella. Later, Cruella makes a move on David while he is impersonating James, only to realize the deception, and she tells David about James' resentment toward him, about being raised by their mother Ruth.
[ The apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] Raj: It's, like, the best one they make, I just can't get it to work. Howard: I'll figure it out. Raj: It streams HD video straight to your phone while it's flying. Howard: Nice. Where were you when I was single? Leonard: Okay, we should leave in about an hour. You all packed? Penny: Uh, yeah, I just need to throw in a few last minute things, you know, makeup, underwear, clothes. Sheldon: If your bathroom floor counts as a carry-on, you're packed. Amy: Leonard, have you ever given a high school commencement speech before? Leonard: Nope. It's pretty exciting. Sheldon: Aren't you afraid of being blinded? Leonard: How would I be blinded? Sheldon: At the end of the ceremony, all the students throw those pointy hats in the air. It's all pomp and circumstance until someone loses an eye. Leonard: I'll take my chances. Sheldon: Fine. I wonder if they make I told you so cards in braille. Raj: Look, the problem with commencement speeches is that they're boring. Ooh, do you own a T-shirt cannon? Howard: Why would he own a T-shirt cannon? Raj: I don't know. Why do I own one? Amy: I think it's really nice that you're sharing this experience with Penny. Leonard: Mm, I thought it'd be fun to show her my old stomping grounds. I even know the exact spot where they used to stomp me. Bernadette: Well, now you get to go back as a successful scientist. Amy: With a beautiful girl on your arm. Sheldon: And a pointy hat sticking out of your eyeball. [SCENE_BREAK] ♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪ ♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪ ♪ The Earth began to cool ♪ ♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪ ♪ We built the Wall ♪ ♪ We built the pyramids ♪ ♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪ ♪ That all started with a big bang ♪ ♪ Bang! ♪ Original Air Date on April 23, 2015 [SCENE_BREAK] [ The hallway ] [SCENE_BREAK] Leonard: How'd you get ready so fast? Penny: Oh, I pack light. Once, I got through an entire spring break with nothing but a long T-shirt and a belt. Leonard: Why did you need a belt? Penny: It's called an evening look. I've never been to New Jersey before. Leonard: It gets a bad rap from shows like Jersey Shore and Real Housewives. Penny: So it's not really like that? Leonard: No, it's like that. Well, I'm excited to show you around. Penny: You think we'll have time to visit your mom over there? Leonard: Yes. We'll also have time to put my junk in a garlic press, but I'm not doing that either. (phone chimes) Uh-oh. I just got an alert. Our flight's been cancelled. Penny: What? Leonard: Yeah, looks like there's a big storm all up the East Coast. Penny: Well, can we get on another airline? Leonard: I don't think so. Penny: So, that's it? We're not going? Leonard: I guess not. (scoffs) Penny: Well, that sucks. Leonard: Yeah. I worked hard on that speech, too. Penny: Oh. You could tell it to me. Leonard: Oh, thank you, but I'm okay. Penny: Are you sure? I could pretend I'm a high school cheerleader who can't control herself around esteemed alumni. Leonard: Greetings, distinguished cheerleaders. Penny: Ooh. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] Howard: Okay, the WiFi extender is on, the camera's on, they're both on the same network; we should be getting an image. Sheldon: All I see is a black screen. And my own reflection. I look sad. Howard: Maybe we should recalibrate it. Sheldon: All right. Howard: Step one, rapidly flip the calibration switch from the fully up to the fully down positions for at least ten times. Sheldon: It actually says "at least"? Howard: Yeah. Sheldon: Why would they say "at least"? Is it ten toggles? Is it a hundred toggles? You know? Is it a thousand toggles? Ten thousand toggles? A hundred thousand toggles? Howard: Sheldon. Sheldon: You see where I'm going with this. Howard: Just flip the switch until the lights on the drone change to solid yellow. Sheldon: All right, that seems simple enough. Initiating calibration sequence. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Well, I suppose ten is technically "at least ten". But they're still getting at least one angry letter. Howard: Now I rotate it horizontally on its centre axis until the lights turn green. Sheldon: Initiating rotation sequence. Don't look at me, initiate. Oh... What does red and yellow mean? Howard: It means the calibration failed. We have to start over. Sheldon: Oh. Very well. Re-initiating calibration sequence. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten... eleven. It's a good thing I didn't send that letter. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Raj's apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Skype ringtone plays) Raj: Mm. Hello, Daddy. What's up? Dr Koothrapalli: Not much, just wanted to see how my son's doing. Raj: Very well, thank you. Dr Koothrapalli: Are you still dating that dermatologist? Raj: If you could feel how soft my skin is, you wouldn't have to ask. Dr Koothrapalli: Oh, and there's something else I wanted to ask you. Why did you spend a month's rent on a toy helicopter?! Raj: Oh, you're where that bill goes. Dr Koothrapalli: I'm tired of indulging your foolish lifestyle. It's time you learned responsibility. And the only way to teach you that is to cut off your allowance. Raj: No, Daddy, no. There are lots of other ways to teach me responsibility. I know, you can give me an egg and make me take care of it for a week. Dr Koothrapalli: No, my mind is made up. Starting now, you're on your own. Raj: But, Daddy, I, I miss my family so much, and with you and Mummy getting a divorce, I feel sad and empty. Buying a little toy every now and then helps me fill that void. So while I can't hug you every day, flying that helicopter... Dr Koothrapalli: I'm cutting you off. Raj: Just to be clear, financially or mid-sentence? [SCENE_BREAK] [ The apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] Howard: No red and yellow, no red and yellow. Sheldon: Yay. Howard: It's green. Sheldon: We did it. Oh, if it's this much fun to rotate, imagine when we fly it. Howard: Okay, now all I have to do is rotate it vertically until the lights turn off. Sheldon: Oh, no. Howard: Oh. All right, playtime's over. Let's open this baby up. Sheldon: Won't that void the warranty? Howard: Sheldon, I have a master's degree in engineering. I wipe my bottom with warranties. Except for AppleCare. That pays for itself in the long run. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Penny's apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] Penny: Hi. Leonard: Hey, where'd you go? Penny: I got you a little something to cheer you up. Leonard: Really? s*x last night, pancakes this morning, am I dying? Penny: Just open it. Leonard: A cap and gown? Why do I need a cap and gown? Penny: Because you are giving your commencement speech. Leonard: What are you talking about? Penny: I called your old high school and convinced them to let you give your speech over Skype. Leonard: Really? That's amazing. And you gave me the robes to give it in. Thank you. Penny: Yeah, now about those, uh, they came from a costume shop, and all they had left was sexy graduate, so they might be a little short. Leonard: Short and sexy, that's my wheelhouse. Penny: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] Howard: Boy, oh, boy, that's a lot of pieces. Sheldon: You know what they all do, right? Howard: Yes, of course. Sheldon: What about this one? Howard: Well, I, how familiar are you with miniaturized integrated logic circuits? Sheldon: Not very. Howard: That right there is a miniaturized integrated logic circuit. Sheldon: So, can you get it working? Howard: I'm an MIT-trained engineer. I've built components for the space station. Sheldon: I thought the zero-gravity toilet didn't work. Howard: It worked fine, it just wasn't designed for Russian cosmonauts and their potato-based diet. Raj: Hey, guys. Howard: Hey. Sheldon: Hello. Raj: I have to return the helicopter. My father... What did you do? Sheldon: Well, don't worry. He went to MIT. He can solve any problem, as long as it doesn't originate in a Russian man's colon. Raj: I don't freaking believe this. Howard: Relax, it'll be fine. Raj: No, you have to put this back together right now, so I can return it. Sheldon: You can't return it. Howard wiped his bottom with the warranty. Raj: What? Sheldon: I think metaphorically. But he was in the bathroom for a while. Raj: Howard, my father cut me off. I have to get my money back for this. Howard: Calm down. Raj: Okay. Okay, you're right. It's time for me to step up and take responsibility for my life. Be a man. (On phone) Hello, Mummy. Mrs Koothrapalli: Hello, Rajesh. What a nice surprise. Raj: Well, I've been thinking about you. How are you doing? Are you happy, Mummy? Mrs Koothrapalli: Such a sweet boy for asking. Can't believe you come from the poison seed of your father. Raj: Well, I like to think I take mostly after you. Anyway, speaking of Daddy, I had a very strange conversation with him. He said he couldn't afford to send me money any more because of his active social life. Mrs Koothrapalli: What does that mean, active social life? Raj: Well, let's not talk about him or whatever shenanigans he may or may not be up to. Let's talk about you. Mrs Koothrapalli: Rajesh, is your father seeing someone? Raj: All I know, Mummy, is that he's a single wealthy doctor, and now, for some reason, there's no money for your little boy. Mrs Koothrapalli: Well, however much money your father was giving you, I'll give you more. Raj: Thank you, Mummy, I love you. (quietly) Helicopters for everybody. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Penny's apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] Penny: What's taking so long? Leonard: I don't think this is gonna work. Penny: Just let me see. Sweetie, you know you're supposed to wear clothes underneath a graduation gown. Leonard: A, surprised you know that. B, I wanted to look like a sexy graduate for you. Penny: Oh. Well, you do. Leonard: Thank you. Penny: Yeah. You're gonna be on Skype, they're not gonna see your legs. Leonard: Well, I'm gonna go put on some pants just in case. But I have to say, this is very freeing. Penny: Add a belt and I'll take you some place nice. Leonard: Oh. Done and done. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] Howard: Okay, I think I've narrowed it down to a faulty pin on the onboard communication chip. Sheldon: Very impressive. You know, when you're done with that, can you look at this? It doesn't make smoke anymore. Howard: One toy at a time. Sheldon: Mm. Sorry. Ah, maybe it's for the best. I hear locomotive smoke is the second leading cause of death among train aficionados. Raj: What's the first one? Howard: Suicide. Sheldon: Wrong. Obesity. Bernadette: I have the tool you wanted. Howard: Thank you. Raj: You guys don't have to go to the trouble. I'm back in the money now, I can just buy another helicopter. Howard: It's not about the money. It's about solving a problem. It's why I became an engineer. It's what I like to do, it's what I'm trained to do. It's who I am. Sheldon: Oh, look at you, the little engineer that could. Bernadette: Why don't you just call tech support? Howard: Hey. Sheldon: Whoa. Raj: Not cool. Bernadette: What? Howard: There's two kinds of people in this world, those who call tech support, and those who make fun of the people who call tech support. Bernadette: I call tech support all the time. Howard: Ha-ha. Sheldon: You call tech support. Raj: What a baby. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Leonard's old school ] [SCENE_BREAK] Headmaster: And now, for our commencement address, one of our most distinguished alumni, noted Caltech physicist Dr. Leonard Hofstadter. Leonard (on screen): Members of the faculty, students, I'm excited to speak to you today. I can't help but remember the last time I was in this auditorium. Two guys from the lacrosse team played keep-away with my asthma inhaler. But enough about my ten-year reunion. I'd also like to take a moment to thank my beautiful fiancée for to helping make this speech possible, even though weather nearly prevented it. Penny: Oh. Hello. I, I didn't know he was gonna point it at me, so, don't do drugs and stay in school. Leonard: They're graduating. Penny: Okay, bye. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] Howard: All right, the power supply is reconnected. I think we're back in business. Let's just run a few tests before we take it outside. Sheldon, we got WiFi? Sheldon: Check. Howard: GPS? Raj: Check. Howard: Battery charged? Sheldon: Check. Bernadette: Four hours of our lives gone? Check. Howard: All right. All systems go. In five... Together: Four, three, two, one. (electrical crackle) Sheldon: That's what my train used to do. Bernadette: Ready to call tech support? Howard: Give me the number. Probably wind up talking to some foreign guy who's reading from the same manual I have. (Raj's phone rings) Raj: It's my father, you jerks. Hello, Daddy. Dr Koothrapalli: What did you say to your mother? Raj: Nothing. I was just calling to check in, make sure she's doing okay. Dr Koothrapalli: Well, after talking to you, she seems to think I'm some sort of playboy. Raj: Really? I don't know where she'd get an idea like that. You know Mummy and her crazy imagination I'm so lucky I take after you. Dr Koothrapalli: You think you take after me? Raj: Well, I try to. I certainly wouldn't be a scientist if you hadn't been my role model. (Re-entering apartment) Who wants to go to Vegas in a real helicopter? [SCENE_BREAK] [ Leonard's old school ] [SCENE_BREAK] Leonard (on screen): It was L. Frank Baum who said, "No thief, however skillful, can rob one of knowledge, and that is why knowledge is the best and safest treasure." Wow, I'm boring myself. (sighs) Sorry, I can't see any of your faces right now, but I bet they look like this. Uh, you know, I, I wrote an entire speech to say how high school prepares you and what a wonderful place it is, but I hated it. Maybe high school's great if you look like this, but I didn't even feel like I existed at that school. And now that I think about it, I bet a lot of you feel the same way. So, for the remainder of my speech, this is for the invisible kids. Uh, maybe you never fit in. Or maybe you're the smallest kid in the school, or the heaviest or the weirdest. Maybe you're graduating and you still haven't had your first kiss. By the way, 19, and Geraldine Coco, wherever you are, thank you. Maybe you don't have any friends. And guess what? That's okay. While all the popular kids are off doing whatever, I don't know what they were doing 'cause I was never there. Penny: I'll, I'll tell you later. Leonard: My point is, while you're spending all this time on your own, building computers or practicing your cello, what you're really doing is becoming interesting. And when people finally do notice you, they're gonna find someone a lot cooler than they thought. And for those of you who were popular in high school, it's over, sorry. Thank you and congratulations. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] Tech Support (recording): Your call is important to us. All our technicians are busy helping other customers. Please stay on the line and someone will be with you shortly. (flute music playing) Howard: What happened to me? When did I become an old man baffled by modern technology? Next thing you know, I'll be hitching my pants up to my armpits and complaining about the awful music the kids are listening to. Sheldon: It is awful, isn't it? Listen to that noise. Howard: Hang on, hang on. It's working. I did it. Raj: How'd you do that? Howard: No idea, but I did it. Bernadette: Maybe you shouldn't be flying it inside. Howard: Well, I'm not flying it. Sheldon: Then who is? Howard: I don't know. Must be getting a WiFi signal from somewhere else. Sheldon: Initiate landing sequence. Initiate landing sequence. (screams) Hey, the camera's working. Oh, look, it's me. (screams) Tech Support Guy: Tech Support, can I help you? Sheldon: Yes, it's a robot uprising. Call the police. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The hallway ] [SCENE_BREAK] Leonard: So you really think they liked it? Penny: Oh, sweetie, it was the best speech I... (both scream) Sheldon: Don't worry, everyone in here is safe.	Plan: A: the graduation speech; Q: What is Leonard asked to give at his old high school? A: New Jersey; Q: Where is Leonard's high school? A: bad weather; Q: What caused Leonard and Penny's flight to be cancelled? A: the school; Q: Who does Penny arrange to broadcast Leonard's speech over Skype? A: a "sexy graduate" costume; Q: What does Penny buy Leonard for his graduation speech? A: his own high school life; Q: What does Leonard reflect on in his speech? A: the smart and forgotten kids; Q: Who does Leonard tell that the world will find them more interesting than the popular students? A: a quadcopter; Q: What did Raj buy that he couldn't get to work? A: Howard; Q: Who tears the quadcopter apart to try to fix it? A: Raj's father; Q: Who cuts off Raj's allowance? A: his parents' divorce; Q: What does Raj use to get his parents to send him more money? A: tech support; Q: What do Howard and Sheldon call to try to fix Raj's quadcopter? A: Bernadette; Q: Who suggested that Howard and Sheldon call tech support? A: the phone; Q: When the quadcopter activates itself, what is Howard on? A: a random signal; Q: What does the quadcopter receive that causes it to fly around the apartment? Summary: Leonard has been asked to give the graduation speech at his old high school in New Jersey and is excited to bring Penny with him; however their flight is cancelled due to bad weather. Penny arranges with the school to broadcast Leonard's speech over Skype and buys him a "sexy graduate" costume for a graduation cap and gown. Leonard's speech starts out boring so he changes it as he reflects on his own high school life. He explains to the smart and forgotten kids that after they graduate the world will find them far more interesting than the popular students. Raj has bought a quadcopter, but is unable to get it to work so he brings it to Howard and Sheldon to fix it. Raj's father is outraged at the cost of it so he cuts off Raj's allowance; however, Raj is able to leverage his parents' divorce as a way to get them both to separately send him more money. Howard tears the quadcopter apart, but is unable to get it to work. The guys begrudgingly call tech support like Bernadette suggested. While on the phone the quadcopter activates itself after receiving a random signal and flies wildly around the apartment terrorizing everyone.
Scene: The apartment. A robotic arm is extracting some Chinese takeaway from a bag controlled by Howard. Howard: And now the kung pao chicken. Leonard: Alright. Raj: Smooth. Howard: And finally, my moo shu pork. Raj: Whoo-hoo! Howard: Ah, there you have it, gentlemen. Our entire dinner unpacked by robot. Raj: And it only took 28 minutes. Sheldon: Impressive, but we must be cautious. Howard: Why? Sheldon: Today, it's a Chinese food retrieval robot. Tomorrow, it travels back in time and tries to kill Sarah Connor. Leonard: I don't think that's going to happen, Sheldon. Sheldon: No one ever does. That's why it happens. Penny (arriving): Hey. Is the food here? Ooh. What's that? Howard: That, dear lady, is the Wolowitz Programmable Hand, designed for extravehicular repairs on the International Space Station. Penny: Ah, cool. Howard: Ask me to pass the soy sauce. Penny: Oh, does that come up much on the space station? Howard: Mostly with Asian and Jewish astronauts. Penny: All right. Pass the soy sauce. Howard: Coming up. (Starts typing rapidly) Leonard: So how's work? Penny: Oh, it's not bad. Kind of hungry. Leonard: Yeah, we all are. Howard: Just wait. Sheldon: You realize, Penny, that the technology that went into this arm will one day make unskilled food servers such as yourself obsolete. Penny: Really? They're going to make a robot that spits on your hamburger? Sheldon: I thought you broke up with her. Why is she here? Howard: Okay, here we go. Passing the soy sauce. Put out your hand. Penny: Oh ha-ha, oh. That's amazing. Sheldon: I wouldn't say amazing. At best, it's a modest leap forward from the basic technology that gave us Country Bear Jamboree. Howard: Hey, Sheldon? Sheldon: Yes? (Howard types. The hand puts up two fingers to Sheldon.) Peace? Howard: No, not peace. Hang on. Credits sequence. Scene: A few moments later. Penny: Does NASA know you're using that thing as a napkin holder? Howard: You kidding? They still think it's in a secure locker at JPL. Penny: You stole it? Howard: Borrowed. The trick is to carry it out to your car like you own it. Sheldon (phone gives text alert): Excuse me. Oh. Amy's at the dry cleaners, and she's made a very amusing pun. "I don't care for perchloroethylene, and I don't like glycol ether." Get it? She doesn't like glycol ether. Sounds like either. (Taps in reply) L-O-L. Penny: Who's Amy? Leonard: His girlfriend. Penny: Sheldon has a girlfriend? Sheldon: She's not my girlfriend. Penny: How long has this been going on? Leonard: Four months. Sheldon: She's not my girlfriend. Penny: Are you telling me, for the past four months I have been asking you what's new and you never thought to go with Sheldon has a girlfriend? Sheldon: She's not my girlfriend. Penny: Ah, du-du-du-du-du. How did they meet? Howard: Raj and I entered Sheldon's information on a dating site, and it spit out Amy Farrah Fowler. Penny: Oh, my God! Sheldon and Amy. Howard: Or, as we call them, Shamy. Penny (squeals): Shamy. I am so digging the Shamy. Sheldon: All right, everyone pay attention. Yes, I have a friend named Amy Farrah Fowler. Yes, she is female. Yes, we communicate on a daily basis, but no, she is not my girlfriend. Penny: Okay, well, what do you communicate about? Sheldon: Well, my work in physics, her work in neurobiology, and most recently, the possibility of our having a child together. Penny (spits out drink explosively. Howard types. Robot arm hands Penny a napkin): Thank you. Leonard: Wait a minute- a child? You never see this girl. You just e-mail and text and Twitter. Now you're considering having a baby? Sheldon: Amy pointed out that between the two of us, our genetic material has the potential of producing the first in a line of intellectually superior, benign overlords to guide humanity to a brighter tomorrow. Howard: I'm guessing that future historians will condemn us for not taking this opportunity to kill Sheldon. Penny: Okay, I have a question. Sheldon: Yes, Penny. Penny: You don't even like people touching you. How are you going to have sx? Sheldon: Why on Earth would we have sx? Penny: Oh, honey, did your mom not have the talk with you? You know, when your private parts started growing? Sheldon: I'm quite aware of the way humans usually reproduce, which is messy, unsanitary, and based on living next to you for three years, involves loud and unnecessary appeals to a deity. Penny: Oh, God. Sheldon: Yes, exactly. Consequently, if Amy and I choose to bring new life into this world, it will be accomplished clinically, with fertility experts in a lab with petri dishes. Which reminds me, you have broad hips and a certain corn-fed vigour. Is your womb available for rental? Leonard: Still digging the Shamy? Penny: Look, Sheldon, before you race off to the fertility clinic, you might want to think about, uh gee, I don't know, maybe actually spending some time with her. Sheldon: You mean dating? Penny: Yeah. Sheldon: I can't date Amy. Penny: Why not? Sheldon: She's not my girlfriend. Penny: Okay, look, don't think of it as dating a girlfriend. Think of it as, uh, getting to know the future mother of your child. Sheldon: Oh. I hadn't considered that. I suppose she will have to have access to our progeny. And you don't think I can achieve the required intimacy via text messaging? Penny: Probably not. Sheldon: Huh. It would appear as if the phone companies have been lying to me. Scene: The hallway. Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. Penny: You do realize I stand on the other side of the door waiting for you to finish knocking three times. Sheldon: I know. I can see the shadow of your feet under the door. Penny: Yeah, my point is it's a waste of time. Sheldon: If you're looking for an example of a waste of time, I would refer you to the conversation we're having right now. Penny: What do you want? Sheldon: I've decided to take your advice and have arranged to go on a date with Amy Farrah Fowler. Penny: Oh, that's great. Have fun. Sheldon: Wait. You have to drive me. Penny: What? Sheldon: You know I don't drive. Penny: Well, go ask Leonard. Sheldon: I did. He said, and I quote, ask Penny, it was her cockamamie idea. Penny: Leonard said cockamamie? Sheldon: Actually, I'm paraphrasing. Having been raised in a Christian household, I'm uncomfortable with the language he used. And to be honest, I'm not entirely comfortable with cockamamie. Penny: Okay, fine. When's the date? Sheldon: Now. Penny: Now? Sheldon: Hurry. We're going to be late. Penny: Sheldon, did it ever occur to you that I might have other plans? Sheldon: I'm sorry. Do you have other plans? Penny: Well, no, not per se, but... Sheldon: So this conversation is as pointless as your door-knocking soliloquy? Penny: Let me get my cockamamie keys. Scene: Howard's bedroom. Howard is being massaged by the robot hand. Howard: Oh, God, that feels so good. Yeah, that's the spot. Oh, baby. Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard, dinner's ready! Howard: I'll eat later. I'm busy! Oh, yeah. Just like a real hand. Hmm. Scene: Penny's car. Sheldon: Thank you for driving me. Penny: You're welcome. Sheldon: I wish you weren't wearing flip-flops. It's dangerous to drive in flip-flops. Penny: Sheldon. Sheldon: Sorry. I just don't want to be yet another flip-flop fatality. Penny: Can I ask you a question? Sheldon: Given your community college education, I encourage you to ask me as many as possible. Penny: Yeah. Well, my question is, and I'm pretty sure I know the answer, is this your first date? Sheldon: That depends. Does square-dancing with my sister at a Teens for Jesus Fourth of July Hoedown count as a date? Penny: No. Sheldon: Then, this is my first date. Penny: Okay. Well, then, there's a couple of things you should probably know. Sheldon: I have a master's degree and two doctorates. The things I should know, I do know. Penny: My point is, I know more about dating than you, and if you were as smart as you think you are, you would listen to me. Sheldon: If you know so much, how come I have a date tonight and you have nothing better to do than drive me to it? Penny: Fair point. Scene: The apartment. Raj: You know, there's something I've always wondered about Aquaman. Leonard: Yeah? Raj: Where does he poop? Leonard: What? Raj: What would a toilet look like in Atlantis? How would you flush it? And when you did flush it, where would the poop go? Leonard (phone rings): Hold that thought. Hey, Howard, what's going on? What? Hold on, Howard, Howard, slow down. The robot hand is stuck on your what? (To Raj) You're not going to believe this. Scene: Penny's car. Amy is now in the back seat. Penny: So, um, Amy, Sheldon tells me you're a neuro something-or-other. Amy: Neurobiologist. Your check engine light is on. Penny: Yeah, it's okay. Amy: But the light indicates... Sheldon: Don't bother. I've wasted many an hour tilting at that particular windmill. Penny: Um, what is that scent you're wearing? It smells great. Amy: Dandruff shampoo. I have dry scalp. Penny: Ah. Well, your hair looks very nice. Amy: Are you a homosexual? Penny: No, no, I was just giving you a compliment. Amy: Hmm. Would have been more flattered if you were a homosexual. Penny: Guys, how 'bout some music? Sheldon: Oh, no, I wouldn't care for that. Amy? Amy: No, thank you. Penny: Okay. Uncomfortable silence it is. Hey, Sheldon, have you told Amy what it was like for you growing up in Texas? Sheldon: No. Penny: Well, why don't you tell her? Sheldon: All right. It was hell. Penny: Any follow up, Amy? Amy: No. Penny: I myself grew up in Nebraska. Small town outside of Omaha. You know, nice place, mostly family farms, a few meth labs. Sheldon: I'm sorry, how is this better than uncomfortable silence? Penny: I don't know. I was just trying something. Sheldon: Muggles. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: Howard's bedroom. Raj: You slipped and fell into a robot hand? Howard: Yes. Raj: pen1s first? Howard: Yes. Now, help me! Leonard: I'd suggest a lubricant, but I have a feeling you fell on some of that as well. Howard: Not funny, Leonard. Raj: Really? A robot hand's got a death grip on your junk, dude. That's funny, ask anyone. Howard: Please, before my mother walks in, just get this off me! Leonard: Okay, let's see. Howard: No, no! Don't touch, the program is paused. Leonard: Well, then let's un-pause it. Howard: No, no! I loaded the wrong program. The hand thinks it's holding a screwdriver in outer space. If you continue the program, it's gonna start twisting. Raj: A-All right, um, how about this. When, when Winnie the Pooh got his head stuck in the honey tree, his friends all grabbed onto him and pulled and pulled. Leonard: You do what you want, I'm not touching another man's honey tree. Raj: All right, uh, forget pulling. How about we get an electric saw and cut it off? Howard: What? No saws! One circumcision was enough. Leonard: How about an acetylene torch? Howard: Okay, I can't believe this needs to be said out loud. No pulling, no saws, no torches. Leonard: Well, then what do you want us to do? Howard: I... Mrs Wolowitz (off): Howard, I made cookies for you and your little friends! Howard: That's great, Mom, thanks! Mrs Wolowitz (off): I'll bring them up with some Hawaiian Punch! Howard: Don't come up here! Mrs Wolowitz (off): Why not?! Are you ashamed of your mother?! Howard: Yes, but that's not the point! Get me out of here. Leonard: You have any ideas, Raj? Raj: Right now, all I can think about is cookies and Hawaiian Punch. Scene: A restaurant. Penny: Hey, here's another possible topic of conversation. This is a big night for Sheldon. Right, Sheldon? Sheldon: Big night? The winter solstice is a big night. It's over 14 hours in Southern California. Amy: That's an amusing factoid. Sheldon: Thank you. Penny: No, no. My point is, uh, tonight is Sheldon's first official date. Discuss. Amy: Is this true? Sheldon: Apparently, a semi-incestuous Teens for Jesus Fourth of July Hoedown didn't count. Penny: So, um, Amy, what about you? Do you date much? Amy: Once a year. It's a deal I made with my mother in exchange for her silence on the matter, as well as the occasional use of her George Foreman Grill that seals in the flavour without the fat. How about you, Penny? Do you go on many dates? Penny: Uh, yeah, I wouldn't say many. A few. (Sheldon laugh's strangely). What's (imitates Sheldon's laugh) Sheldon: Your characterization of approximately 171 different men as a few. Penny: What? Where did you get 171 men? Sheldon: Simple extrapolation. In the three years that I've known you, you were single for two. During that time, I saw 17 different suitors. If we work backwards, correcting for observation bias and postulate an initial dating age of 15... Penny: Whoa, wait, wait, wait. I did not start dating at 15. Sheldon: I'm sorry. 16? Penny: 14. Sheldon: My mistake. Now, assuming the left side of a bell curve peaking around the present, that would bring the total up to 193 men. Plus or minus eight men. Amy: Remarkable. Did you have sexual intercourse with all of these men? Penny: No. Sheldon: Although that number would be fairly easy to calculate. Penny: Oh. Sheldon: Based on the number of awkward encounters I've had with strange men leaving her apartment in the morning, plus the number of times she's returned home wearing the same clothes she wore the night before... Penny: Okay, Sheldon, I think you've made your point. Sheldon: So we multiply 193, minus 21 men before the loss of virginity, so 172 times 0.18 gives us 30.96 sexual partners. Let's round that up to 31. Penny: Okay, Sheldon, you are so wrong. That is not even close to the real number. I'm gonna need a drink over here. Amy: This is very interesting. Cultural perceptions are subjective. Penny, to your mind, are you a slut? Penny: No! No! No. Let's just all finish our dinners, okay? Sheldon: This is an interesting topic. How many sexual encounters have you had? Amy: Does volunteering for a scientific experiment in which orgasm was achieved by electronically stimulating the pleasure centres of the brain count? Sheldon: I should think so. Amy: Then 128. Scene: A hospital,=. Leonard: Okay, come on. Almost there. Howard: Don't tug. No tugging. Raj: Next time, take your own advice. Leonard: Excuse me, could you help us out? Nurse: My, my, my. What do we have here? Howard: I slipped and fell. Nurse: Yeah, we get that a lot. What is this? Howard: It's a robot arm. Nurse: Where's the rest of the robot? Howard: I only built the arm. Nurse: 'Cause that's all you needed, right? Howard: Can you please just help me? Nurse: All right, all right. Hang on, stay calm. (Over PA system) I need an orderly with a wheelchair. I got a robot hand grasping a man's pen1s out here. Howard: You think you could be a little more discreet? Nurse: I'm sorry, we don't have a code for robot hand grasping a man's pen1s. Why is it hooked up to a computer? Leonard: Uh, it's what controls the arm. Howard: But it's frozen. Nurse: Did you try turning it off and back on again? Howard: No, you see, it's more complicated than that. (Nurse switches off computer) No, wait! (The hand lets go) Winnie the Pooh is out of the honey tree. Raj: Now can we have cookies and Hawaiian Punch? Scene: The stairwell. Sheldon: You were right. This was a very productive evening. I saw a whole new side of Amy Farrah Fowler tonight. Penny: I did not have s*x with 31 guys. Sheldon: I'll be happy to check the math, but numbers don't lie, Penny. In any event, now that Amy and I have spent quality time together, I feel much more confident proceeding to the next stage of our relationship. Penny: And that is? Sheldon: Using in vitro fertilization and a surrogate uterus to gift humanity with our progeny. Penny: You're still on that? Sheldon: In these uncertain times, doesn't humanity deserve a gift? Penny: Okay, you know what? I'm gonna come at this in a whole new way. Sheldon, if you try to make a baby with Amy in a petri dish, I'm gonna tell your mother on you. Sheldon: That's no threat. My mother's always wanted a grandchild. Penny: Really? Your deeply religious born-again Christian mother wants a test-tube grandbaby born out of wedlock? Sheldon: Curses. Penny: If I'd thought of that in the first place, I could've saved myself this whole night. Sheldon: Well, it's not that late. You could still go out and look for number 32. Good night. Leonard (on phone): Hey, Howard, what's up? Sheldon: I've decided not to procreate. Leonard: Yeah, yeah, great. Howard, uh, slow down. What do you mean it happened again?	Plan: A: Howard; Q: Who uses a robotic hand for masturbation? A: a hospital; Q: Where does Howard go when his robotic hand malfunctions? A: first; Q: When does Penny urge Sheldon to become intimate with Amy? A: their first date; Q: What does Penny accompany Sheldon and Amy on? A: the conversation; Q: What quickly turns to a statistical analysis of Penny's sexual history? A: his mother; Q: Who did Penny threaten to tell about Sheldon's plan to have a child? Summary: Howard uses a robotic hand for masturbation, but has to go to a hospital when it malfunctions. Penny learns about Amy, and Sheldon's plan to conceive a child with her by in vitro fertilisation. Penny then urges him to become intimate with Amy first. She accompanies them on their first date, but the conversation quickly turns to a statistical analysis of Penny's sexual history. Afterwards, Sheldon is still intent on having a child, but cancels the plan when Penny threatens to tell his mother.
KT HOUSE [First we see the garden, littered with empty cans, and then inside the house where lots of people sleep everywhere. Ground, Rusty is lying on his back, one arm around deJordan. He wakes up and tries to get away without waking her, but she opens her eyes and stretches.] Jordan : You know it is kind of weird to watch people when they sleep. Rusty : Sorry. Jordan : [pointing the finger at someone outside the framework] No ... Nah I was talking to him. [Rusty looks at the person she was showing.] Rusty : Jeremy back to sleep! [Jeremy looks around and then down from the chair.] Jordan : Is this going? Rusty : What? Yes. Jordan : You still think of Jordan Casey and Max? You really think Cappie is why they broke up? Rusty : It's what Max said. Jordan : So what, Cappie and Casey are together now? It feels weird. [She takes his hand.] Jordan : Let's do something fun today, you and I! We could ... Go to CanyonLake. Rusty : It looks to be Oh sh1t! Jordan : a little miffed It was just an idea. Rusty : Nah, I just need to finish my TP in organic chemistry today. Jordan : will tell you nothing it because you left last night? Rusty : Nan, Hastings went before me. It is only necessary that I show him my results tomorrow morning. So it is better that I go back to the lab to finish my work. Jordan : Okay, good luck then. Call me. Rusty : Promised. [Rusty kisses, smiles, then gets up. It stretches and tries to leave but stops against someone.] Boy : (voice) You've just walk on by hand. Girl : (voice) Watch out moron. ZBZ HOUSE [Ashleigh walking down the hall and think Casey comes out of their room, a towel in his hand.] Ashleigh : Hi! Casey : Hi. [Surprised] Uh, what are you doing here, why are not you at Fisher? Ashleigh : I'm returned earlier to see how you were doing. Casey : [seeming uncomfortable] Oh, uh, thank you Ashleigh. Ashleigh : showing the towel You take a shower? Casey : seeking what to say ... uh Eehhhhh You wanna come with me? Ashleigh : Why what's in our room? There's someone inside? Casey : wanted him block the passage Nan ... [Ashleigh opens the door, and we see Casey's bed, covered with handkerchiefs, packet of crisps, cake, and a dirty bowl.] Ashleigh : Casey closed his eyes ... Casey : Okay, am a little j'me released last night. [Ashleigh approached the bed of Casey and shows a stain on the pillow near a used tissue.] Ashleigh : That's the sauce? Casey : I may ... down the pot with a bag of tortilla and ate cookies. But it was light cookies, so ... [The guiltily] I devoured the box. I also watched "Sleepless in Seattle" two times, and the first half of "Stepmom" but today I'm fine. Ashleigh : So you've done your mourning for Max? No regrets? Casey : I'm still sad about Max, [gesturing with his arms] but today is another day! I do not want to hear about this story, I do not want to cry, I do not want to feel sorry, I even decided to be positive on Cappie! I could stay, and I continue to languish on the fact that her teeth have snubbed me, but who knows. Maybe when he learns that Max and I broke uh ... Ashleigh : [interrupting him] Oooh! Uh ... I told him. Casey : Say what to whom, what ... What? Ashleigh : Last night when you're gone I found Cappie on the roof and I told him that Max and you've broken. You Casey ... Oh, you told him? And uh ... And? Ashleigh : It was super dramatic. There was the countdown to the end of the world, and everyone shouted "Eight! September! Six ... " Casey : And then ?! I mean ... He did what? Ashleigh : Netherlands has ... Reflected. Long time. Casey : eyes wide open, fixed on Ashleigh. Ashleigh : In fact I sat with him 5 minutes before I go then ... It doitsurement further reflection. [Casey purses his lips and nods.] Ben : Casey if, if, Cappie wants to give us another chance, he knows where I live so he can visit me here or call me, [shaking his arms around her] and in the meantime I'll just uh , do lots of other things and uh ... [She turns and looks at Ashleigh, shaking his head, unconvinced.] Ashleigh : Yeah! [Casey takes his towel and toiletries, then at the last minute grabs his laptop and showed it to Ashleigh.] Casey : Just in case! [The door opens and Betsy enters the room, holding a kitten, followed by all other sisters.] Zeta Beta Zeta sisters : She had the heart to joy, but now it's over. Our sister kitten is gloomy * [making sad pouts] * We want to make you laugh. * [Ashleigh leans Casey while their sisters continue to sing.] Ashleigh : I did not know if you wanted to know the sisters, but ... Casey : It's not as if it was the end of the world. EXT. CRU [Rusty during his backpack, and go upstairs 4-4. They arrive at the doors of the building, but when it tries to open are closed. He insists, then stops and makes a face, forming a mist on the glass.] Credits ZBZ HOUSE [In the dining room, Casey is used for breakfast.] Laura : Casey I'm sorry you've broken up with Max, but you bear much better without him. After all it was a ... Casey : Thanks, Laura! Laura : nerd ... but What was downright barrel. It was downright confusing! Casey : Thank you... Uh, yes it is comforting. [She sits at the table and Betsy arrived with a tray in his hands.] Betsy : Pick your weapons girls! Ashleigh is going to attack the house of Iki? [Casey gets up hurriedly.] Casey : Hear me, so last night, the circle of Iki was dissolved. Zeta Beta Zeta sisters : Ooohhh! Casey : last night, Franny left the Greek system, but ... [The sisters welcome.] Casey : ... despite the bad things she did, she was really someone ... Ashleigh : [cutting off] So the weapons are for? [Casey sits down, watching Betsy.] Betsy : [giving a sheet Ashleigh] That's "Gotcha", the assassin of OmegaChi game that begins today. [Tilting the tray of envelopes to Casey] Here are your folders! Ashleigh : [reading the paper] The goal is to eliminate your designated target. If you do, you take his target, and the game continues until there was only one player. Betsy : And the winner will receive a night at Dobbler in his honor, while his club will receive $ 500 and 5 points for the blue ribbon Greek. Ashleigh : Play begins tonight at the party "You're dead" organized by the Chi Omega. Betsy : Come dressed as assassin or spy. [Opening his eyes lit up as an idea] I chose, Ethel Rosenberg! Ashleigh : [laughing] Okay. [Sitting in front of Casey] So you go tonight? Casey : Uh ... Maybe I'll stay here. [Looking at his target] I've had a Gamma Psi. Ashleigh : That's not true. Casey : You got that? Ashleigh : [pointing to her map where you see a picture of Cappie] do you think? Casey : Oh. Ashleigh : Yes. Want to trade? Casey : [shaking head] Cappie has only come to me ... [Ashleigh hands him the envelope and it ends up taking.] Casey : Or I can simply take him down tonight. [Rebecca arrives in pajamas, disheveled and tired. She sits down at their table] Rebecca : Quick, water Ashleigh : Wow, someone had fun last night it seems. Casey : It seems especially she drank lots of vodka. Rebecca : [using a glass of water] J'me'm not that much fun. Laura : Actually I saw Rebecca being really fun last night. With a boy. Rebecca : [hastily covered his head] Nah, it's true! Casey : What! With whom? Laura : Fairly difficult to say because his face was in his mouth. [Casey and Ashleigh laugh.] Ashleigh : Rebecca who is this mysterious man? [Rebecca drinks her glass of water, a look of despair, then gets up.] Rebecca : is absolutely no way that I tell you. [Rebecca hand and hear a tone.] Casey : This is my phone? It's that ringing? RUSTY AND DALE'S APPARTMENT [The radio is on, we see Calvin, in his underwear, slumped and asleep on the couch.] Radio (voice over) ... took him out of bondage. Thou shalt have no other gods before me. Calvin : [in a gasp] My god. Dale : [Going into the show] In fact it is Q in "Star Trek". Since I was little I guess Calvin : [putting himself in a sitting position] I never felt so bad ... any ... my life! What happened last night? Dale : Do not you remember the party? To have your friend flirts with Grant. Your not kept your promise of purity. Calvin : Oh no, Grant and I kissed it was ... If anyone saw the circle we're done. It would not be known qu'ça! In addition to how he will react by learning that you have two gays in the house? [Putting his pants] After a while it's okay, it's 2 limit "gay pride". Dale : And you did nothing else? Calvin : [buttoning his pants] Nan. [Looking up] Wait a second. In fact I kissed Grant when I saw you and Sheila you accelerate the movement! What is this story? Dale : I have féromones really powerful. I said I had a stomach ache to get out. Calvin : [going to the kitchen] At least every 2, we have kept our promise. Dale : Yes. It's the pants that? [Grant leaves the room, also in my underwear.] Grant : I think this is the ... mine. DORMITORY CYPRUS RHODES [Rusty is in front of Max's room.] Student : Hello, you're up early for a Sunday morning. Looking for Max is that it? Rusty : Yes, this is one of my friends. J'voulais see if he could get me into the chemistry building to finish my work. You saw him? Student : He started studying. Rusty : Do you know when he returns? Student : He resigned . Rusty : Resigned from what? Residents of the home you mean? Student : He was forced student since he stopped his third cycle. Rusty : All in a night? [He tries to open the door and it is not locked. Some stuff lying on the ground, and the mattress against the wall, but the room is empty.] Student : Yes, there are left to London to work with George Stephanopoulos Rusty : Magda Stephanopoulos. [He sees a cardboard marked with "Please to deliver to Casey Cartwright, Zeta Beta House". Rusty turns to the student.] Rusty : Does he say he was leaving the country? I mean do you talked to him? Student : This morning he was there was nothing for him here. Rusty : While is really gone. Student : [shrug] Well ... I'm really sorry. [Rusty sighs.] RUSTY AND DALE'S APPARTMENT [Rusty tries to work in the kitchen, and you always hear the radio with religious texts. Dale goes with a basket of laundry.] Rusty : Hey, you believe that God could take a little break now? Dale : [going off the sound] Of course. [Putting himself next to him] You know, school is just about average, although I've never had D before, maybe it's not as serious as believe. Rusty : 100 extra points, with a D on my part and just having the final exam, which is virtually impossible, my average is a C -. I should have listened to you, whoever said "Live each day as if it were your last" is a moron! Dale : The first rule when you live each day as if it were your last, is to ensure that it is really the last. Rusty : Down was the last sort. Even with A in all my classes strengthened, my average is still below the required 3.5, so ... It's over. [The grave] I'll be fired for being strengthened. ZBZ HOUSE [Two sisters come out of the house, and someone enters. Casey not knowing who knows rises from behind the couch and shoots him with a foam dart. But it is> rusty which brings the box of Max.] Rusty : Wow. [Casey laughs.] Casey : Sorry Rusty, I chose my dart gun. There's what in the box? Rusty : [putting the box on the coffee table] This is for you. [The harsh tone] It's from Max! Casey : Oh. So you're all aware that we are two ... more together. Rusty : You're aware that he went back to London? Casey : He is left? How does the university gave him a temporary absence. Rusty : Apparently he turned it into final leave of absence. You see it always ends like this. [Shrug] You sow the chaos in your wake. He still left the country because of you. Casey : Wait that's not my fault! It is big enough to make choices. Rusty : was my friend. This was the only face to inspire me acamédémiquement. And he's gone! Casey : But is not a valid reason for me to stay in a relationship with him. It was not the right person for me! Rusty : and Cappie though?! Casey : I'm not with Cappie, I finally ... believe. Rusty : How you not know? Casey : [blowing] Ohh, listen. I'm really really sorry about Max. But you can always call or write him or see him. Rusty : I need it now! I have, I have not finished my TP on Grignard last night. Casey : Grignard ? This is the guy who plays around in ... [Excited] Oooooh, maybe I can help you! Rusty : Of course, you can help me with my duty in organic chemistry on the actor who plays around. [Casey loses the smile and Rusty share.] KT HOUSE [Cappie is in a chair, a beer in hand. He throws a glance at Rusty and Jordan, under a parasol] Jordan : You must surely be able to do some things. Do what you can drop the course, or redo the exam? Rusty : Nah, I've checked everything. [Beaver made an entry noticed in the garden.] Beaver : Aaaaahh! Gentlemen, if you want to earn "Gotcha", then you've got to train yourself! [He puts a toy gun on either side of Rusty.] Pickle : [taking one of two weapons] Ouaaaais. Beaver : shooter, get ready to ... Pull! In plays, your brand, party. Come on over! [Other members of the fraternity pass before them, and Rusty does not put too much of his aim.] Beaver : It's 2 points for Pickle and 0 for the drooling. Jordan : Do you have talked to in Cappie? It can perhaps help you you know. Rusty : The last one I want is the help of Cappie. [Rusty violament load and shoot.] Beaver : [taking the weapon from Rusty.] Oooh. The drooling and disqualified! Rusty : What? Beaver : And that's Pickle wins. Pickle : [raising his mitrailette] Ha ha. Wade : [disguised as an old, on which Rusty shot] But why did you shot an old? Rusty : when you're old one? Cappie : [rising from his chair] The drooling is right! [Pointing the finger at Wade] You could have been a serial killer disguised as an old woman. Did not you see the movie "Potin woman"? Wade : I think that that is the subject of this film. Cappie : Ooooh, but if you imagine that they are bloodthirsty serial killers, it's much more watchable. Lachez him the cluster. [Leaning over the bar] All is well the drooling? Asd You look pretty ... tense. Rusty : okay. I would say the same for Max. Cappie : I learned that they broke last night. How is she? Rusty : We have all made choices last night, and he will have to live with the consequences. Cappie : You're probably right. [Shouting] Well the grazer it to me! OMEGA CHI HOUSE [Calvin enters his room, shirtless, towel over his shoulder, where Grant is reading a magazine on her bed.] Grant : So ? You remember really not what we did last night? The sx was amazing not true. Calvin : [a little confused] Well if I remember it bluntly, it's just a blur, that's all. But, yeah, last night it was ... great. Grant : And you remember what you said? On the ... Destiny? Calvin : [turning back to Grant] The Fate! Yeah ... Grant : And eternity? Calvin : [putting on his shirt] Eternity ... Low and that ... Grant : that I know you wanna do that in a small group, but I'm not against a great marriage, Mani, with our friends and family. Calvin : [against Grant] Okay, so it is impossible that we've talked about that! Grant : Now that was lied to me telling me that Dale was your man! Cavin : So there you suck! [Calvin Grant pushes to the chest, and this one holds his hand.] Grant : We kissed, that's all. And nothing else. Calvin : Yes, a Kappa Tau party. We should just be more careful. That is discrete if you want it still okay? Grant : And is it going to continue? [Calvin is going to respond but a knock on the door. He loose hand and throws herself on the bed just before Evan enters the room.] Evan : You what all the two last night? You are not returned. Calvin : [with a voice not very natural] is nothing. I was with Rusty, and Grant in a completely different place. [Grant makes sweeping gesture with his arms to oppose the mmer and a nervous laugh.] Evan : Well, it was a busy day, I will post bail for alcohol for tonight. Grant, would you go look for fput of beer this afternoon? Grant : Yeah. No problem. [Evan leaves the room, a little perturbed.] Grant : Perhaps it is better that we see you later. Calvin : Yeah tonight at the party. ZBZ HOUSE [Casey is standing in his room, in evening dress. His cell phone rings and she takes him to watch the message. The door opens, between Jordan and Casey fermeprécipitement his laptop.] Casey : Hey Jordan! Jordan : Oh Casey ... [seeing the bed covered in cats] Whoua. Casey : Want a cat? Pity. Jordan : This is not my thing, thank you. Oh, you're all elegant. Casey : Oh yeah, I gotta find a sexy spy costume for tonight. You think I can go in Nikita without having to have a cup '80'? Jordan : You know I talked to Rusty and I am a little worried about him. Casey : Oh should not be, it always makes that noise when breathing, you get used to. Jordan : Nan, I think it may have problems. Casey : So I'm the last person who asked for help. A chocolate? Jordan : This is a problem of polymers. Casey : Really the last person then. Jordan : has had a D in his part of organic chemistry, and I think we'll get it out of course strengthened! Casey : Uh ... Transferred courses? Jordan : Yes! He could trace his average by a TP to catch up, but he did not come over for the party. I'm really worried about him, he must q'ilentre the lab to finish it tonight! Casey : Uh, tonight? Jordan : was everything both need our big sister! CITY Ashleigh : Fisher and I go to the party "You're dead" disguised as Mr and Mrs Smith, which should be easy for because I already full dresses that emphasize my great boobs! [Rebecca and Ashleigh walk down the street, her laugh.] Ashleigh : Hey, you should dress like Angelina Jolie in "Wanted". Rebecca : What is the difference between Angelina Jolie in "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" and "Wanted"? Ashleigh : uh ... 4 children, maybe 5. Rebecca : Hhhaaaaaaan! Why not Sidney Bristow? Ashleigh : You know what I love about Sydney Bristow? His double life. It must be really hard for her to hide all his secrets to his friends. To his very dear friends. One with whom she went shopping! Rebecca : Nice try. I'll still tell who it was. I need money. Ashleigh : I need coffee, but I will not give the song. I will not stop until you have me not say who is this mysterious man! [Ashleigh hand while Rebecca stops to talk to Evan who is the distributor.] Rebecca : Hi. Evan : Does she wanted to know the name of your target? Rebecca : I would have preferred. [Close up on the screen distributor om one sees that there is more money in the account of Evan. He sighs.] Rebecca : How your account is at 0? Evan : I know. Maybe the fork out a computer problem. Banks have had many problems lately. Rebecca : What's the matter? You saus that you can tell me anything. Evan : [hesitating] Okay ... You remember the feast of old and my parenting issues? Well ... I gave up my money. Rebecca : What's wrong with you? You're an idiot or what?! Evan : I have believed you in moin you understand me. Rebecca : This is not true, you're poor? Evan : No, not quite. I have other accounts banquaires, my credit cards, it will go. Rebecca : Oh yes how long?! Evan : A good question. Rebecca : You want j'te kind of money? I can help you! Evan : Aaahh, I will. I must pay a deposit for the beer was, I will make money just now. Rebecca : [smirking] I have another idea. If you do me a favor then we'll quit, what do you say? RUSTY AND DALE'S APARTMENT [Rusty is in his office, esyant to focus despite the religious texts in the background when you knock on the door. It will open and finds Casey making a bizarre head while listening to the radio.] Casey : What is it? Rusty : It's Q from "Star Trek". I ended up finding a lot of fun. Casey : I spoke with Jordan and she told me about your problem and TP [arm away] I just help you! Yes I know how important it is for you! The fact is, when you really want something, we do absolutely everything for it, and should not be a whole day to understand. Rusty : Listen, forget it. Casey : You took a decision in haste, without thinking about consequences. Do not let it spoil your whole future! Rusty : Without wishing to hurt your feelings but what will you do to help me? Casey : Maybe I know nothing oragnaique in chemistry, but I know how do you enter the building. Rusty : Nah, nah I know. Casey : Rusty, stop wasting your time, take your coat, let's go! [They look, a smile like Rusty and Casey pinched lip.] Rusty : You know that mom would have said when you do that? Casey : Yes, yes I sai and it makes me downright pinball agree! EXT. CRU Rusty : This security guard was you who called for the building that opens? Casey : Yes, my brother forgot his medication again. [Rusty aside the hand as a sign of impotence.] Rusty : This security guard is true that he looks ill. Casey : Yes, it's uh ... Hypoglicémque, that's why it looks like that. Rusty : I hypoglicémque, not deaf right? [The agent looks for the key in his troussau.] Casey : Rusty! Looks like you're going to turn the eye and pass out. Rusty : Uh, no, I think it will. Casey : [making him frown] Believe me, you turn the eye! Rusty : [pretending to stagger] Oooh oh, yes you why I feel dizzy. Casey : [opening his sack] Yes wait, I'll see if I have a chocolate bar. [The officer rushed to Rusty who was sitting on the floor.] Rusty : Security guard Oh wait, I have a chocolate bar. Casey : Really? [He puts the keys on the ground and started to thrust into the mouth of Rusty a bar with half-melted.] Casey : Security guard Hold eat it, eat. Rusty : Why? Casey : uh ... Yes yes, listen to the Rusty is a professional. Rusty : Oh, no ... Okay. Casey : Security guard Swallow. Go eat. [Casez recovers discretely troussau key.] Casey : I think you have succeeded, it looks like he returns to form. [Rusty nods, scared.] Rusty ; This security guard is true? Casey : Yes, indeed it will, it comes. Thank you very much for your help, I'll take her to the hospital campus. Thank you, thank you! You êtez great, and really effective. Thank you! At one of these days. [They pretend to walk, supporting Casey Rusty, but as soon as the officer walked away, she pushes him violently to the trash where it spits out everything. They then headed for the door to enter the building.] Casey : Did you see all these keys? Why is it that in a building science they have no fingerprint scanner?! Rusty : Holland if we need his fingerprints can claim against my tongue! [Casey tries a first key that does not fit into the lock.] Casey : Well, I think it will take some time. KT HOUSE [Dale sits on the stairs where Cappie recork a hole.] Dale : Hi Cap. Cappie : Daly! [Catching the hanger that holds out a Kappa Tau] Ah, thank you freshman. This is my costume for the evening "You're dead" tonight. Dale : Are not you a little ... dead of the night last night? Cappie : Yeah, so? Dale : Does not matter. I know you have the habit of helping Rusty with his heart problems and ... Cappie : You know ... ! Dale : ... body. Cappie : I'm glad you speak for Rusty, he is quick-tempered than usual today. Do engineers have all their rules as women? Dale : Only when they are getting turned off the course as Rusty. Cappie : Since when? Why? I'm not aware. Dale : I do not know, maybe it's because before he spoke to Max for this stuff. I dunno ... Back to my problem. I have many ... Cappie : Before ? Dale : Yes, yes, Maxiprout left the country. Cappie : What! Since when? Why am I not know? Dale : I ... Cappie : Wait wait ... Maxiprout you called? Dale : Yes. Cappie : Well, it's still funny! [They laugh.] Dale : Yes, I know. But ah yes, he left this morning. Cappie : And Rusty where he is? Dale : He left me a note saying he would try to get into the chemistry building. But what concerns me today ... Cappie : I gotta go there! [Tending the pot with plaster and then starting to Daleb] Want to end well for me? Dale : I know, I even know what it's for that. I'm in the middle of a crisis existancielle! You do not ... [Cappie back to take his clothes left on the stairs.] Dale : Did not you just a minute? Cappie : You look like Daly. ZBZ HOUSE [Someone rings the doorbell and Betsy will open while Rebecca was in the kitchen.] Delivery Man (voice) : Hello. Delivery for Rebecca Logan. Betsy : [giving the bouquet to Rebecca with all the sisters who follow] Ooooh, Rebecca received flowers! Ashleigh : Have you received flowers? I bet they are the mysterious man! [Rebecca tries to catch the word that comes with the flowers but Ashleigh takes before laughing.] Rebecca : No, stop! Ashleigh : So , "Last night it was unbelievable," Sogne "CE". Who is "CE"? Eric Chapman, Gamma Psy? Rebecca : Uh, no it's not him. Betsy : Uh, Edward Cullen. Ashleigh : Nooo, this is a fictional character. Emma Callon, she is a lesbian, and you're a lesbian you again? Rebecca : This is Chambers Evan! Ashleigh : Evan Chambers?! Really? Rebecca : I am exposed. We went out together at the party, and I know it's bad because of its history with Casey so ... Ashleigh : Do not worry about Casey and the code of girls. After all I see a thousand other reasons for wanting to keep this a secret. But Evan and Casey is an old story, then you should do what makes you happy. Evan will be at the party tonight then ... Donez you a chance. Rebecca : Okay ... Ashleigh : [passing an arm around the shoulder of Rebecca] Okay, now tell me everything that happened last night. Rebecca : Where to start ... ? RUSTY AND DALE'S APARTMENT [Calvin's closet in search of Dale.] Calvin : Please leave me dig into your business, you're the only person in my friends to have a business that could resemble those of Austin Powers. Dale : Thank you . So you got ... not really broken your promise of purity last night? Calvin : Nan, you're proud of me? Dale : Super proud. Calvin : But does not mean that I will not, I really like Grant. It's great! We will give a chance. Dale : And your brothers and your circle, eh? Calvin : Should we be discreet. I already did with Jesse. When I think I'm pretty good at secrets. Maybe I could become a real killer. Dale : Tell me have you ever heard of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse? Calvin : Dale Yes I know I will go to hell twice, because I'm gay and because I sleep before the wedding. And I have a question: If we legalize gay marriage and that Grant and I were married, I will save in the second case? Dale : I slept with Sheila. [Calvin drops the hanger that fits in the hand.] Dale : I was this stupid party, and everyone was talking about the end of the world, and the Apocalypse, and blah blah blah. It looked like it was Easter Sunday at home. And with all these people doing the fpete, I kept thinking "What if the world really had to stop, I'd be a virgin." Are you thinking about that before you your first time? And then I saw the four horsemen, at least I thought they were the four horsemen, but I realize now that this was probably the rise of campus security and not the ... sixth sign of the Apocalypse. But, I know I digress. And then I heard her voice, finally the voice of Q, which told me I could. So while you and Grant you were partying, Sheila and I came back here, and we did. She left before you arrive. [Calvin gets out of bed om they sit.] Dale : No worry, I had to wash the sheets at least nine times today. But ... In fact it was neither riders nor Q, nor anyone who pushed me, pushed me to do. I think I've been looking for any excuse to do it because I wanted to. And now I would like never to have done so because sx changes everything and ... It never comes back. CRU [In a dark corridor, Casey umpteenth try a key to open a door.] Casey : Rusty was already tried that. [Makes another.] Rusty : Nan! It is far too long all that. Casey : Yes. Oh wait it's good! [She drops the key ring.] [SCENE_BREAK] Casey : Oh no. Rusty : Now we have to recommance. Casey : Sorry ... [A phone rings, Casey watches his but is disappointed that this is the Rustyqui rang.] Rusty : This is Jordan, she sent me a message about where we stand. Casey : It happened with what your grades? Rusty : [answering his message at the same time] I know, I think I was distracted. Casey : She really likes you then. Rusty : Yeah! She's great. What I love most is what I feel when I'm with her. Casey : You mean sexually? Rusty : [laughs, a few general] In fact, we still ... Casey : [interrupting him, somewhat disgusted] Wait, forget the physical side. Rusty : Sorry. Since we go out together, make me feel like one of those guy who has no need to think about studying all the time. I can just hang out at the Kappa Tau, squeezing my girlfriend in my arms. [Casey looks at him, looking sad.] Rusty : And have fun you know, that's all. Casey : But, you're not like that at all. Rusty : [slightly annoyed] That's nice. Casey : No, no, I wanted to say ... Anyone can be like that, you know you be multi material, you can not let go of one thing for another. Rusty : As you've dropped Max for Cappie. Casey : No, I have not dropped Max to Cappie. I just realized that was very different. Rusty : You're miserable for Max. Casey : J'voulais really make it work between us. This is someone ... of awesome. Rusty : It is still left without saying goodbye to anyone. Casey : Yes, sometimes the guys are leaving Rusty. And sometimes they do not even come ... [The door opens suddenly, departs Casey and Rusty takes it right in the nose. Someone comes out dressed as ninja.] Rusty : Aaaah ah ... Oh my nose! Cappie : [lowering his mask] Casey? Casey : Hi . Rusty : Who is ? Cappie : You know that the window is still open, right? Come. Casey : I just take the keys. [Casey and Rusty enter the lab. Cappie looks around and closes the door behind them.] OMEGA CHI HOUSE [The party goes on, people run after pointing weapons in plastic.] Sister Bond back here, come back! Evan : Eh eh eh eh! The game meeting starts at midnight! [Walking into the room] Hi. [Rebecca comes from behind and turns to her.] Rebecca : I need you! Ashleigh saw the flowers and she feels that I love you well. Evan : You know you're not obliged to look disgusted when you say. Rebecca : So she comes here tonight thinking you're in love and this is our first official meeting. [Desperate] Help me, just for an hour or two! Evan : And what do I gain me? Rebecca : I've already paid. Evan : You've paid for the flowers, it's different, I'll spend the evening with you, so I could flirt with other girls. [Ashleigh and Fisher arrives with Evan in the back and a big smile to Rebecca.] Rebecca : [smiling] I'll pay you because unlike you I have no soicis to flaunt my money. Ashleigh : Hi you two! Sidney Bristow pretty disguise. Evan and you're ... The guy who invents gadgets, Marshal Philipman? Evan : I'm Jason Brown. [Fisher laughs.] Evan : I'm not very hip disguise actually. Ashleigh : Yeah, especially that for your own soiré you would think you'd make a minimal effort. But ... Whatever! Fisher Ah, here's Evan Chambers. Fisher : [shaking hands] Hi, nice to meet you. Evan : Me too. Ashleigh : So, Rebecca told me about last night. Evan : [after a moment's hesitation] Oh yeah, oh yeah, yeah ... It was really great. Ashleigh : And to think that all this time spent with Franny was only better for you rapporhcer Rebecca. That explains why you were with Franny, that's for sure! Rebecca : Rather romantic, right? Ashleigh : Yes, the secret notes, the desire, the implied ... Who knew that every time you speak you harbored feelings for her? [Fisher and Evan seem a little embarrassed.] Ashleigh : Oh, and I remember a conversation you had, and I replays them knowing what I know ... It's like the sixth sense see again! Evan : [after a nervous laugh] I really know what to say. [Rebecca and Ashleigh laugh and smile, and patted Rebecca Evan's chest.] CRU [In the LABORATORY, Cappie is standing idly by while Rusty worked, helped by Casey.] Cappie : Tell me if I can help the drooling, I'm here for. Rusty : Okay. Casey : Nice your ninja costume. Cappie : Thank you. I intended to go to soiré "You're dead" tonight. I thought it would be helpful Casey : Speaking of night, how was the end of your night last night? Cappie : Although. Casey : Uh , Ashleigh told me everything you know about the evening, and the rest, so ... I know about the evening, and, and ... The rest. [Cappie sit on its hands and purses her lips in silence.] Rusty : Casey, you can take me as a clean on the top shelf please. Casey : Yes, yes, okay, okay I go, yeah ... [She walks to the shelf is backed om Cappie and is at few centimeters from him, hand outstretched to catch the bus.] Casey : Grabs I have this ... This trick. Cappie : [away from her] So this thing looks like a huge bang ah eh? [Casey and Cappie bumps into lack of what she had to drop. Cappie catches up and you can feel the tension that exists between them.] Cappie : You did? Casey : Yes. Cappie : I am a ninja! Rusty : Casey, arrpete anything to please agree? I need a nitrogen bubbler, it's in the drawer there. Cappie : Bubbler ... You're not being manufactured on a bang? Tell me what I can do. The chemistry is like the kitchen, I watch the cooking channel, [touching the catheter] maybe I can be your your "sub-scientific"? Rusty : [pushing hands with Cappie] But no no no, stop. Casey : Rusty , six hands Vallent better than ... four. Rusty : Okay, fine. Cappie, you can catch me pipes there? It takes two for water and condenser ebbings, and another for the bubbler. And then you branch right there on both valves. Cappie : [down pipes] Hum, of accooord. That is good. You see, I should maybe change industry, it's so simple. Maybe I'll take chemistry next semester. [Cappie is a bad move and the entire system falls down and breaks.] Casey : Oh it's not true ... Cappie : I'm sorry! Uuuuhh ... Eeuuhh ... Rusty : Will you get me another bubbler? Cappie : Maybe I should do the gay. HASI there? [Rusty and Cappie hand looks black.] Casey : Uh, I think it lacks a bit in this thing. OMEGA CHI HOUSE Calvin : [dressed as "Men in Black"] freshman bring me water, and immediately. Freshman : Okay here I go. Calvin : [Grant, back to back with him, reading a newspaper] You're cute. Grant : For how much longer must we stay here? Calvin : Exactly I was thinking about it. Perhaps it is better that we wait. Grant : What , half an hour? Calvin : Maybe longer. Grant : 35 minutes? Calvin : That I wanna slow down. You know sx changes everything. And I like what we saw. We learn about each other. Grant : And when you get bored of each other may be sent in the air? Calvin : I can not believe I'm gonna have to hide again. Grant : Again? Calvin : Freshman, here's your water. DOBLERS Barman : [holding two glass of champagne to Rebecca] Hold. [She grabs the glasses, past Fisher and Ashleigh kissing, and goes to Evan.] Rebecca : I think it works. Evan : You know, you give great lengths to keep your secret. 'll Seriously tell me that you're out with last night? Rebecca : This is not in the deal Baum. Evan : Regret is a very powerful feeling. I'm starting to wonder if making money was a good idea as that. Rebecca : At least you've stood up to your parents. Evan : Yeah, but why bother? I will have more money in some time. Rebecca : To be honest with you, I think you're plutôit wrong start. It is both. It will just be together. Evan : And like that we keep this a secret between us. Rebecca : [smiling] That between us. [She looks behind her and Ashleigh Fisher then returns to Evan and starts shouting.] Rebecca : You're no one! Evan : What? Rebecca : If all you want is a one night stand, then forget it! [She pretends to cry and share. Ashleigh who saw the whole scene arrives, annoyed.] Ashleigh : I knew you'll end up ruining the story! [She leaves, and Evan, still sipping his drink, the eyes follow. She turns around, bends his gun at Lara Croft, and shoots him. She breathes on his plastic gun, then left for good.] CRU Rusty : I finished, simply that I note the results. Cappie : [raising his hand] Ooh, I can store? Rusty : No. Cappie : Oh I beg you. Dpu I apologize a hundred times, it was an accident! Casey : And is accidentally draguais you too? Cappie : When ? I have not move from this stool for at moin 2 hours! Rusty : Oh I beg, last night. Max told me everything. [Casey lowered her head and sighs.] Rusty : You have confessed to still have feelings for Casey, and you've drawn in a closet to make it fit the inside. After I repproché avoird of a coup d'mtherfcker to Andy. Me at least, j'me felt bad that I did! But you all day you did as if nothing had happened. Cappie : I'm sorry , you're right I'm an asshole. Casey : Stop! Cappie has nothing ... It is I who made the returns in it. I pushed him in the closet, and I told him I wanted to get back together any two. And he said no. Cappie and I are not going back together ... [It seeks Cappie's eye and he raises his eyes to watch it.] Casey : Is it not? [Rusty Casey look, then turns his head to see Cappie for his response. This is pinse lips, but did not have time to respond because the alarm sounds.] Rusty : Oh sh1t! This is the détectgeur leaks, I forgot to turn off the gas, we have to go away. Casey quickly, go! Cappie : Quick, let's go! Casey : Is that arranges all his affairs. Rusty : [pulling violently by the arm] No no, leave it all like that. Let's go quickly! [They rush down the stairs and arrive in a corridor.] Casey : Let here. Cappie : Okay, here. Security Guard (voice over) : There's someone in the lab! [They turn around and come face to a locked door.] Casey : No no. Cappie : Here! [They are pressed against a wall, and the security guard is in the hallway with his flashlight.] Cappie : It is not good. [He takes out his head and saw three guards rummaging in the hallway.] Cappie : Well, you go back to the lab and go out the window. Casey : And you what are you gonna do? Cappie : Doing what I do best. [And he comes out of hiding.] Casey : Wait, wait Cappie! Cappie : [past the guards] No to di-disections! Security Officer : What is it? Cappie : I'm a ninja against slavery and animal torture! Security Guard : A what? Oh no not you again! Listen I assure you that there are no animals in the lab! Cappie : Oh really? In this case they are? You know there are more animals used for clinical trials as there are animals in the world?! Security officer : [out of the handcuffs] It looks ... quite impossible. Cappie : Yeah yeah, okay. [The agent returns to him and put handcuffs behind his back.] Cappie : Okay, cool cool ... Great. [Casey spends his head behind the wall, and smiled at him.] Casey : [whispering] Thank you. [Cappie returns his smile, then goes away by force by guards.] Cappie (voice over) : [shouting] Save the pooouuules! Save the chickens! Aoouh. Casey : [to Rusty] Come on. RUSTY AND DALE'S APPARTMENT Calvin : Dale, it will interest you to apprndre that Grant and I have decided to wait before having sx. Dale : It interest me that much, but ... Calvin : Thank you Dale. So how are you? Dale : You know I have a lot rélféchi. I turned the question around and I think I found how to accept the situation with Sheila. I know what I should do. [Knocks them hereunder.] Dale : Here. [Opening] Hi. Sheila : [voice warm, caressing the cheek of Dale] Hi Dale ... [Cooler] Hi buddy. Dale : Uh, Sheila. Sheila : Yes ? Dale : I gave you my virginity, and I wanna give you something else. [Out a ring from his pocket] I think we need to get married. I know this is my signet school, but I ask money from my parents to buy you a real one. Sheila : Dale, you're so nice. And last night it was ... special. And you're a great tenant, but actually I'm plutpot busy in my work. I must take care of building C, and I must go to Tousson next week, and there's my cat! Yes, eh eh eh. So I call you without fail as soon as things calm down a bit right? Goodbye, thank you ... [She leaves and we see the face of Dale decompose.] EXT. CRU [Rusty joined Jordan, sitting at the terrace of a cafe.] Jordan : While ? How are things with Hastings? Rusty : My D is officially a C.	Plan: A: Max; Q: Who quit the grad school program and went back to England? A: England; Q: Where did Max go after being dumped by Casey? A: Organic Chem; Q: What class did Rusty need help with? A: Cappie; Q: Who did not pursue Casey because Evan intervened? A: Fisher; Q: Who did Rebecca kiss at the "End of the World" party? A: Dale; Q: Who confesses to Calvin that he broke their purity pledge? A: Sheila; Q: Who does Dale propose to? Summary: After being dumped by Casey, Max quit the grad school program and went back to England, unbeknownst to Casey and disappointing Rusty who needed help on an extra credit project for Organic Chem. In a flashback to the "End of the World" party the night before, it is revealed that Cappie did not pursue Casey because Evan unknowingly intervened. At the same party, it is revealed that Rebecca's secret kiss was with Fisher. Meanwhile, Dale confesses to Calvin that he broke their purity pledge, and proposes to Sheila.
ACT ONE Scene One - Apartment - Night It's late at night and everyone is fast asleep in the Crane household. Suddenly, the fire alarm goes off. Martin and Frasier come running out in their sleepwear, panicking. Frasier: Oh my God! Fire! Martin: Eddie! Eddie! Where are you, boy? Frasier: Dad, wake up! Dad, are you in there? Martin: Eddie! Here, Eddie! Come on! Frasier: Dad, where are you? Where's the fire? Frasier turns the lights on. Martin: Have you seen Eddie? Frasier: What's burning? Where's the fire? Martin: Eddie! Then Daphne comes running out in her nightie. Daphne: It's alright, it's alright! False alarm! The one above my bed went off. Frasier and Martin sag, breathing heavily. Frasier: Thank God! Daphne: Oh, and don't worry about Eddie - he's back in my room. God, the noise the bloody thing makes! It would be less upsetting just to wake up on fire! Martin: What the hell triggered it? Daphne: Who knows? I was dozing quite peacefully when it started screaming away for no reason at all. Eddie runs in and jumps onto the chair with a packet of cigarettes in his mouth. Frasier: I see. [takes the packet] What have we here? Eddie, you've been smoking in Daphne's bedroom, bad dog! Daphne: I know, you have a no-smoking rule. I'm sorry. But every now and again I feel a bit tense and I find a ciggy can be very soothing. Martin: Oh yeah, it's real soothing. It only should be an hour before my heart stops fibrillating. [exits] Frasier: [reading clock] Oh, it figures, 3 AM. Of course this would happen the night before I have an early morning meeting! He starts to exit, but notices Daphne sitting on the couch, depressed. Frasier: Daphne, aren't you going back to bed? Daphne: No. I'll just sit up for a bit, I'm feeling a bit blue. Frasier: Anything you'd like to talk about? Daphne: No, you need your sleep, it's nothing important. [he starts to exit] Just this feeling that my life's a gaping sinkhole and I'm just marking time while the flower of my youth rots on the vine. Frasier: [eager to escape] Well, so long as you're sure. He starts to exit again, but then Daphne sinks back, giving off a truly pathetic whine that is an obvious plea for help. He has no choice but to come back. Frasier: I really wish you'd tell me about it. Daphne: Well, if you must know, it's my love life. Frasier: Really? You've been seeing a man? Daphne: Only when I close my eyes and concentrate. Frasier: Ah, I see. You're going through a bit of a drought, eh? Daphne: No wonder. The rare times I do go out, it's usually with your father. People see us and assume I'm his daughter, or else his girlfriend. Either way, it's like having my own personal can of stud repellant. Frasier: Yes well, I know how bleak these times can be. But believe me, they will come to an end sooner or later. I remember a time back in Boston when I was going through exactly what you're going through now. Just a week later I met a lovely barmaid - sophisticated, if a bit loquacious. We fell madly in love, we got engaged... [realizes] Of course, she left me standing at the altar. But the point is, I didn't give up. I took my poor, battered heart and offered it to Lilith... [thinks, as Daphne lights a cigarette] Who put it in her little Cuisinart and hit the purée button! But, I rebounded! And look how far I've come... I'm divorced, lonely, and living with my father. Frasier takes Daphne's cigarette and takes a drag. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Café Nervosa The next day, Frasier is sitting at a table. Roz comes in. Roz: I figured I'd find you here! You know, you missed your meeting with the new station manager. Frasier: Oh no, I completely forgot. Roz: God, you look like you've been ridden hard and put away wet. Frasier: I was up till all hours of the night with Daphne, competing to see which one of us had the most pathetic love life. On the bright side, I won. Roz: Well, I know what your problems are. What are Daphne's? Frasier: She's just having trouble finding men. Roz opens her purse and holds up a little black book. Roz: Say no more! Frasier: [trying to be tactful] No, Roz, Roz, it's really not necessary. You do not have to donate one of your boyfriends to Daphne. Roz: Oh, come on, I'd be happy to. Frasier: But still, one hates to break up a collection. He tries to get her to close the book, as Niles returns to the table with coffees for himself and Frasier. Niles: [sitting down] There we go - double espresso, and my mocha latte. Do those chocolate shavings look any different to you? Frasier: No. Niles: Well, they do to me. I think they've switched to an inferior domestic brand. [takes a sip and swishes them around like wine] Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm - waxy. Roz: [finding a name] Oh, here we go! Sven Bachman, he's an aerobics instructor. Frasier: I don't think so. Roz: Oh, this one's perfect! Gunther Dietrich. He's loads of fun, and he's a runway model. Frasier: A German narcissist; now there's an appealing combination. Roz: Okay, okay, I'll keep looking. Niles: Looking for what? Roz: I'm helping Frasier find a man for Daphne. Niles puts down his cup and adopts a bland expression and tone that do nothing to hide his outrage. Niles: [lightly] What? Roz: Here we go! He's a tennis instructor, and his name is Brick. Niles: Dear God, Frasier - Sven, Gunther, Brick? Why not just lather Daphne up with baby oil and hurl her over the wall of a prison yard? Roz: Excuse me, but I've dated all these guys. Niles: Well, where do you think I came up with the imagery? This makes Roz really furious. Roz: Listen, you little titmouse-! Niles's temper also flares. Frasier: [coming between them] Alright! Niles: you are completely out of line here. And Roz: he does have a point. You and Daphne are entirely different kinds of women. Whilst Daphne is very shy and inexperienced, you are more... well, a lot more... well, actually it's hard to find anyone who's more... Roz: Oh, I get it! Not one man I've ever dated is good enough for Miss Daphne, is that what you're trying to say? Frasier: No, it's what I'm trying not to say, and you're not making it very easy. Roz: [getting up] Oh, I'm out of here. Frasier: Oh, Roz, please wait. Roz: Oh no, I can't stay, the fleet's in! She storms out. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - KACL Frasier is doing his show, but waiting while a piercing tone sounds over the air. Frasier resumes when it finishes. Frasier: And this concludes our test of the emergency broadcast system. Had this been a real emergency, your radio would be melting in your hands. We'll be right back after these messages. He goes to commercial. Roz stalks in and slams a half-eaten donut onto his console. Roz: In the future, please keep your disgusting half-eaten food off my console. In fact, just stay out of my sight! Frasier: You're still mad at me, I can tell. Roz: [nasty] And there's that keen sensitivity that keeps you in such demand with the ladies. She goes back into her booth, he follows her. Frasier: Look Roz, I'm sorry if I insulted you earlier. But the truth is, I feel very protective of Daphne. See, the kind of man I'm looking for has to be good-looking, smart, successful... Behind Frasier, Tom Duran, the new station manager, enters the booth. He instantly seems to embody all the virtues Frasier enumerated. Tom: Excuse me. Frasier: Yes? Tom: I'm Tom Duran, the new station manager. Frasier: Oh! Tom, hey, it's a pleasure to meet you. I'm so sorry about missing the meeting this morning, I slept right through it. Tom: Oh yeah me too, and I was there. Frasier laughs. Tom: Say, that's a beautiful tie. Frasier: Oh, thank you. Yes, I got this one in London at one of those custom shops just of off Sloane Square. Tom: You know, I just came from London. I spent the last five years working for the BBC. Frasier: Really? I love London - the museums, the theatre... Tom: Oh yeah, I'm a big theatre buff, three shows a week. I hated leaving. Frasier: I can imagine. Why did you? Tom: Well, I just kind of went through a messy break-up. I thought I'd sleep better with a continent between us. Frasier: Yes, I know the feeling! [clicks] So, I take it then you're unattached? Tom: Yes, but I haven't given up hope. Frasier: Well, you may have come to the right place. Tom: Really? Frasier: Yes. You say you're very fond of the English? Tom: Oh yes, very much. You know, I think I've always had a weakness for people who are just a little eccentric. Frasier: [now really interested] Really? Roz: Fifteen seconds. Tom: Well, it was nice meeting you. Frasier: Likewise. Frasier sits at his console. Tom starts to leave. Frasier: Uh, say Tom, this may sound like short notice, but if you're not busy Saturday, why don't you come round my place for dinner? Nothing fancy. Tom: Well thanks, I'd like that. Frasier: Great! Tom exits through the door and Frasier goes on the air. Frasier: Hello Seattle, we're back. Roz, who do we have up next? Roz: We have James from Tacoma on line one. Frasier: Hello James, I'm listening... Tom walks down the hall and enters Roz's booth. While Frasier is engaged with his caller Roz gets up and starts checking the carts on the wall. They begin chatting about his fair Frasier. Tom: Hi, Roz. Roz: Hi, Tom. How's it going? Tom: Well, you know, it's the same with every job I take. The word flies like wild fire. Roz: What's that? Tom: Oh, you know, you tell one or two people you're gay and before you can blink it's all over the station. Roz: Well, they don't call it "broadcasting" for nothing. Tom: He seems like a nice guy. Roz: Oh, he's OK. Tom: I hope he's more than OK, he just asked me out on a date. As Roz turns around in surprise, Frasier notices Roz talking to Tom and waves for her to stop. Roz: Frasier just asked you out on a date? Tom: Well, he asked me to his place for dinner. So I wanted to ask you, is there any particular wine he likes? Roz: Listen Tom, there is something I think you need to know about Frasier... Tom: What? Frasier holds up a card: "HANDS OFF HE'S TAKEN!" Roz: He's nuts about chardonnay. Tom: Thanks! He leaves. Roz shrugs innocently at Frasier. [SCENE_BREAK] THE PERILS OF REFINEMENT Scene Four - Apartment Saturday evening, Frasier is setting up the apartment while a furious Daphne is setting the table. Daphne: Does he ask permission first? Oh no, he just barges in and says he's set me up with God-knows-who, and I'm supposed to turn cartwheels like I'm bloody Cinderella. Frasier: Will you please relax? Look, I told you, this is not a set- up. Tom doesn't even know you'll be here. Daphne: Oh, an ambush then. Much nicer! My girlfriends in Manchester used to set me up all the time. And it was always some gangly bounder with a boarding-house reach. And he wasn't going for the Coleman's Hot Mustard, if you know what I mean! Frasier: Just keep in mind, Tom is just a co-worker who's coming by for a pleasant little dinner. If some sparks should ignite, then fine, but there is no pressure, absolutely no pressure... is that what you're wearing? Daphne looks down at her fairly plain housedress. Daphne: Why, what's wrong with it? The doorbell rings. Frasier: Don't you have something with a little more oomph? Oh, what About that, that strapless number you have? [motions down his hips] Daphne: Do you have any idea how uncomfortable a strapless bra is? Frasier: Well, thanks to my fraternity days, as a matter of fact I do! He motions for Daphne to go and change, which she reluctantly does. He opens the door to Tom, dressed in a casual suit and carrying a bottle of wine. Frasier: Tom! Come on in. Tom: Hi, Frasier. Frasier: Good to see you. Tom: [re: wine] Oh, I don't know, something told me you might like chardonnay. Frasier: Oh my, that's my favorite. So, what do you think of this place? Tom: [looking out the window] That's a hell of a view! Frasier: It's even better from the bedroom. Tom reacts to this, but Frasier doesn't realize. Tom: Why don't we just start with the drink? Frasier laughs. Tom: [re: dining table] Oh, four places, who's joining us? Frasier: Oh, just my little household: my father and his charming physical therapist, Daphne. Tom: You live with your dad? I can't even imagine that. Well, I mean it's great that you get along so well, but doesn't, um... having him here put a crimp in your love life? Frasier: Oh, not at all. Except when I bring my dates home, he tries to steal them. Tom reacts to this as well. Frasier: He's quite the old rascal! Daphne enters in a short red strapless dress. Frasier: Well, look who we have here. Tom, I'd like you to meet Daphne. Daphne this is Tom Duran. Tom: [shaking hands] Pleasure to meet you. Daphne: Likewise. Oh, Dr. Crane, you didn't take his coat! Frasier: Oh, sorry. Daphne: May I? Tom turns around. As Daphne takes his coat, she turns to Frasier, ecstatic, and mouths, "HE'S GORGEOUS! THANK YOU, THANK YOU!" Frasier mouths back, "YOU LOOK FABULOUS! YOU LOOK FABULOUS!" They stop as Tom turns round again. She drapes the coat over her arm and starts to carry it to the rack, then stops. Daphne: Oh, this is strange, I'm picking up a vibration from your coat. Tom: Excuse me? Frasier: Yes well, Daphne feels she possesses psychic powers - you know those English eccentrics. Daphne: [comes back and takes Tom's hand] Oh, you've just been through a very painful break-up, haven't you? Tom: Yes! [then, to Frasier] Oh, wait a minute, you told her that, didn't you? Frasier: No, no. Daphne: There was a bitter dispute about ownership of opera recordings. Tom: [drops onto the couch] Whoa! Having made her mark, Daphne makes a graceful exit. Daphne: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll nip into the kitchen. I have a bird to baste. [exits] Frasier: Quite something, isn't she? Tom: Yeah, she's great. I love hearing that accent again. Martin: [entering] Hey Frasier, I don't have to put a tie on for this joker, do I? [sees Tom] Frasier: Tom, this is my father, Martin Crane. Tom: Tom Duran, nice to meet you. Martin: [shaking hands] I'm sorry about that "joker" business. [Tom waves it off] I call everybody joker, jerk, pinhead, bozo... Frasier: And amazingly he's free for dinner on short notice. Why don't I just open some of this wonderful wine? He goes into the kitchen, where he checks on Daphne's feelings. Frasier: Well? Daphne: Oh, he's a looker. I'm glad you made me put on my lucky bra. He's worth every wire digging into my ribcage. Frasier: Yes, you've made quite an impression on him too. He thinks you're great! Daphne: Oh, go on! [giggles] God, listen to me getting carried away like a school girl when I've just met the man. No, I'm not raising my hopes tonight - though I'm glad I raised my bosom. Meanwhile, Martin and Tom are having a chat in the living room. Martin: Yeah, let me tell you, you're gonna love Seattle. It's a real people place. Great food, great bars... Tom: I've heard that. Any you recommend? Martin: Yeah, I usually hang out at a place called Duke's. Great crowd, lot of young cops. [Tom is pleased] So, do you like football? Tom: Yeah, yeah, I really missed it when I was living in London. Martin: Yeah, well maybe we can take you to see a Seahawks game sometime. Frasier hates it, so it'd just be us. Tom: Hey, Frasier warned me about you! Martin: Yeah, I guess I yell at the players too loud. [laughs] Frasier: [entering] Here we are, Tom. [hands him wine] Dad, I took the liberty of selecting an amusing little vintage for you too. [hands him a Ballantine] Sorry, I didn't bring the pull-tab so you could sniff it. Martin: Merci beaucoup. [pronounces it "mercy bow-coop."] The doorbell sounds so Frasier goes to answer it. Niles is standing there with a book. Niles: Hello, Frasier. [takes Frasier's wine glass] Oh, thank you. I just stopped by to return your book. [hands it over] Frasier: Oh yes, thank you, well don't let me keep you. Niles: Am I interrupting something? Frasier: As a matter of fact, I'm introducing a man to Daphne. Niles: Ah! Guess you don't want me around then. [walks in] How do you do? I'm Dr. Niles Crane. Tom: Hi, I'm Tom Duran. Daphne: [peeks out] Bird's all done. Now all I need is a pair of big strong arms to haul it out of the oven. Niles: Well, I certainly don't need to be asked twice. He quickly walks into the kitchen, to Daphne's disappointment and Frasier's anger. END OF ACT ONE (Time: 14:10) [SCENE_BREAK] ACT TWO Scene Five - Apartment During dinner, Tom is telling a story about the queen in the middle of an interview. Tom: So, halfway through the interview her stomach starts rumbling. And her body mike's picking it up, but I have to ignore it. Because what am I going to say; "Would her majesty care for a Tums?" Everyone laughs - except Niles, who is being rather immature as usual. Daphne: I could listen to your stories all night. They're so funny. Niles: And all involving bodily functions. Daphne: Tom, I could use a little hand in the kitchen... Niles: No, no, sit Daphne, after all that cooking you must be... [looks down her frock] absolutely strapless. Niles exits to the kitchen, leaving Daphne disappointed again. In the kitchen, Niles puts a few things into the sink. Tom enters, slightly piqued. Tom: Er, Niles, can I speak with you for a moment? Niles: Yes. [slaps down silverware] Tom: I was wondering, did I do anything that offended you? Niles: No. [angrily throws pots into the sink] Tom: Oh. It must be all in my head, but I sensed that you had a problem with me dating Frasier. Niles: [turns round] Well, if you must know... A twenty-second pause ensues while he wonders if his hearing is faulty. Niles: I'm sorry, what was the question? Tom: [crosses his arms] Do you have some problem with me dating your brother? Now Niles understands all, and becomes as serene as a Buddha. Niles: [graciously] No. Frasier: [entering] Now Niles, I didn't ask Tom to dinner so he could talk with you all night in the kitchen. There are others who would like to have a crack at him! Frasier and Tom exit. Niles just stands there with a small smile that threatens to explode into hysterics. Rocking slightly, he twirls once on his heel, as Martin enters with some plates. Martin: That Tom's a great guy, huh? You think maybe him and Daphne... Niles shakes his head, combining laughter with a negative "Mmm-mmm." On the balcony, Tom, Frasier and Daphne are having a little chat. Tom: You know, I can't remember the last time I had such a wonderful evening. Daphne: Oh no, we should be thanking you. I can't remember when I've laughed so hard. From inside the apartment they suddenly hear Martin roaring with laughter. They look and see him doubled over in the kitchen, while Niles laughs along. Daphne: You've still got Mr. Crane going. Frasier: Daphne, I think a little after dinner music would be appropriate. Daphne: Good idea. [she goes to the stereo] Frasier: She's, er, quite a woman, isn't she? Tom: [flatly:] Yes, she's really something, [suggestive:] Um, Frasier, I was wondering. Frasier: Yes? Tom: Do you think before the evening's over we could get a little one-on-one time? Frasier: Oh, I think I can arrange that. He goes inside while Daphne is putting on music. They both whisper: Frasier: Daphne! Daphne: Yes? Frasier: He says he wants to be alone with you! Daphne: No! Frasier: Yes! Daphne: This really is my lucky bra! Keep the wine flowing, I'll go fix my lipstick. Frasier: Okay. She exits to her room. Martin and Niles come back from the kitchen. Martin: Yeah, I guess I'd better be hitting the old sack. Don't want to stand in the way of young romance! [hides a grin] Frasier: Thanks, dad. Martin: Goodnight, Tom. Tom: Goodnight, Martin. Martin exits to the hallway. Frasier: And Niles, isn't it time you were running along too? Niles: Yes, I must be on my way. And, Frasier, I must apologise, I was wrong about Tom. If I had to choose a man for Daphne, he's the one I'd pick. Frasier: Good. Niles: Goodnight Tom, nice to meet you. Tom: Goodnight. Niles: Frasier, a word in your ear? Surprised, Frasier motions "one second" to Tom, and follows Niles out the front door into the corridor. Niles: There's something I have to tell you. Dad wanted to but I won the coin toss. Frasier: Yes, what is it? Niles: Well, I had a little chat with Tom in the kitchen and he told me he's interested in pursing a romantic relationship. But, the object of his affections is not Daphne. Frasier: Damn that Roz! Niles: No, no. It's you. Beat. Frasier: Me? That's impossible, Tom's not gay! Niles: He seems to be under that impression. Frasier: Well, what on earth could have made him think I was interested in him? All I did was ask him if he was attached, and then we talked about the theatre and men's fashions... [clicks] Oh my God! Niles, do you realise what this means? Niles: Yes, you're dating your boss. You of all people should know the pitfalls of an office relationship. Frasier: Yes, but he... he just never mentioned the fact he... Niles: [in elevator:] I'll call you tomorrow. But not too early, of course. [the doors close on Niles's laugh] Frasier, sweating like a pig and as red as a beetroot enters the room. The romantic music that Daphne put on is playing. Tom is lounging on the couch, massaging his neck. His glasses are off, and he casts a sly look at Frasier that leaves no room for doubt. Tom: So... Frasier: So... God, I hate this song. He runs over and turns the stereo off. Tom: You know, I've broken my rule for you. I usually don't date guys I work with. Frasier: Yes, well, I've sort of relaxed my rule for you too. Tom: You're cute when you're nervous. Frasier: I must be downright adorable now then. Listen Tom, I'm sorry, but we seem to have gotten our lines crossed here. The truth is I'm entirely straight. Tom: [puts on his glasses] Hey, if you're not interested just say so. Frasier: Oh no, it's true, I really am. I just invited you to dinner because you seemed so charming and you were so fond of the British, I thought you might be the perfect man for Daphne. Daphne enters from the hallway just in time to hear: Tom: I can't believe this. You really had no idea that I'm gay? Daphne stops, unclasps her not-so-lucky bra and walks back to her bedroom, chucking the bra up in the air as she goes. The two men stand in embarrassed silence for a moment. Frasier: Don't take this wrong, but it never even occurred to me you might be gay. Tom: Well, it never even occurred to me that you might be straight. Frasier: [uncertain] Thank you. Geez, Tom, I feel just awful. Seems I've just been leading you on all night. Tom: [getting his coat] Oh, it's OK. It's an honest mistake. Frasier: Yes, but I've been pouring you drinks, building up your hopes, making you think you might have found a man sophisticated and sensitive enough to help you... Tom: [amused] Frasier, I'll learn to love again. Frasier: [chuckles] Yes, of course. Tom goes to the door. Tom: You'll apologize to Daphne? Frasier: For the rest of my days. Tom: [starts to leave, then] Does this mean your dad's not gay either? Frasier: No, no, dad's not gay. Tom: [starts to leave again, then] But Niles - come on! [laughs] Frasier: [smiles] No, I'm afraid not. Tom: Huh... so wait a minute, this Maris guy he kept mentioning is a woman? Frasier: Well, the jury's still out on that one. Tom grimaces and leaves, waving goodnight. END OF ACT TWO (Time: 21:16) [SCENE_BREAK] Frasier and Daphne are sitting up late at night, smoking and drinking cognac. Frasier picks up the packet and reads the health warning and ingredients list on the side. He shows it to Daphne. They stub out their cigarettes immediately, then throw back the rest of their cognacs.	Plan: A: Frasier; Q: Who tries to fix Daphne up with Tom Duran? A: the new station manager; Q: Who is Tom Duran? A: Eric Lutes; Q: Who played Tom Duran? A: romantic interest; Q: What does Tom Duran interpret Frasier's invitation to dinner as? Summary: Sympathetic about Daphne's unsatisfactory love life, Frasier tries to fix her up with Tom Duran, the new station manager (Eric Lutes). Tom is gay, and interpret's Frasier's invitation to dinner as romantic interest.
EXT. YARD - DAY (SFX: TRACTOR MOVES DIRT) (SFX: STEADY BACKUP BEEP TONE B.G.) FOREMAN: Hey, Harry! Stop! Stop! DRIVER: (V.O.) Hey, what's up? FOREMAN: Throw me a flashlight. (SFX: FOREMAN GASPS) (CUT TO BLACK) (THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/ SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. YARD - DAY WILLIS: Agent Gibbs? GIBBS: Yeah. WILLIS: Lieutenant Commander Willis, Base Security. GIBBS: Commander Hutchins' day to play golf? WILLIS: Intestinal virus. GIBBS: Ah, Special Agent Todd, McGee, DiNozzo. How long since anyone's lived in these units? WILLIS: Base closed the tract five years ago. Plans were to convert it to a park. Cutbacks put it on hold. The units were becoming a security and health hazard. We brought in a private company to demo it. TONY: When Gibbs introduced us, he introduced you, then McGee, then me. Why did he mention me last? KATE: You are kidding. TONY: No, for Gibbs to mix up the seniority order like that... it just, you know, it just seems weird, that's all. MCGEE: I really don't think it really means... TONY: Probie? KATE: I wouldn't put too much stock in it. TONY: Why do you say that? KATE: Well, because I don't think it has anything to do with seniority. TONY: What do you think it has to do with? KATE: My guess would be level of intelligence and general competence. MCGEE: I didn't say anything. TONY: It's what you're thinking, Probie. WILLIS: Soon as we knew what he had, all work was stopped, we contained the scene. GIBBS: Old bunker? WILLIS: We don't know what it is. (PASSAGE OF TIME) GIBBS: Move it more left. Your other left, McGee. MCGEE: Sorry, boss. TONY: (V.O.) Little nervous, Probie? GIBBS: Whoa! Hold it right there! The tunnel leads to the house. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOUSE - DAY (DOOR OPENS) (MUSIC OVER ACTION/GIBBS AND TONY SEARCH THE HOUSE) (DOOR OPENS) TONY: That's a little weird.(SFX: TONY SNIFFS) (TONY REMOVES THE VENT COVER/ TRAP DOOR ) TONY: Boss, over here! GIBBS: Kate, McGee, you're with me. DiNozzo, wait for Ducky. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. UNDERGROUND ROOM - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/GIBBS MOVES THROUGH THE ROOM) GIBBS: Let's do it. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ KATE AND GIBBS EXAMINE THE ROOM) (SFX: CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS B.G.) GIBBS: Nails were hammered in at a left to right angle. Might have been left-handed. MCGEE: Ever seen anything like this before, Boss? GIBBS: Only in the movies. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. HOUSE - DAY DUCKY: Where's our bride, DiNozzo? TONY: Nine feet down, twelve feet over. PALMER: You're kidding, right? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. UNDERGROUND ROOM - DAY DUCKY: This actually reminds me of my days at Edinburgh Medical College. TONY: You used to go through a tunnel to get to school, Ducky? DUCKY: No, the morgue was tiny. Yea, we had a fellow student who suffered terribly from claustrophobia. Constantly hyperventilating. (V.O.) Yes, one day he decided to overcome his fear. Yeah, he shut himself in one of the morgue drawers. Well, the ventilation was awful, of course. He asked us not to disturb him for twenty four hours. (ON CAMERA) We were very impressed with his gumption. TONY: Did it work? DUCKY: Unfortunately not, no. He died of a massive coronary. So you see, people can be frightened to death. (SFX: CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) GIBBS: Hey, Duck. TONY: This is really sick. Stephen King would love it. DUCKY: Oh, my dear. Let's get you out of this place... into somewhere more appropriate, I promise. PALMER: That was really nice, Doctor. DUCKY: Thank you, Mister Palmer. Now if you'll give me the bag for transportation. PALMER: It's in the....truck. DUCKY: I know. Next time you'll remember. PALMER: Oh. KATE: (READS) "The Good Wife's Guide. Ten Steps to Pleasing Your Husband." MCGEE: I think I read something like that in Redbook. TONY: Redbook? MCGEE: Yeah. TONY: You read Redbook? MCGEE: Yeah, all the time. KATE: Well, I don't think you read this one, McGee. It's from May, nineteen fifty five. GIBBS: How long's she been here, Duck? DUCKY: Oh, it's hard to say, Jethro. Poor thing's been dead for months. GIBBS: How about years? DUCKY: Perhaps one. Not more than two. GIBBS: Housing's been abandoned for five years. DUCKY: Well, then she wasn't the last tenant. GIBBS: Check it anyway. (SFX: DIRT CRUMBLES) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY KATE: The last tenant in that house was Lieutenant Commander Carlton Halpin, his wife and two children. Moved out January of ninety nine. Transferred to the San Diego Naval Station. As far as we can tell he's never been back. GIBBS: McGee? MCGEE: All the materials used in the construction of the bunker could have been purchased at any Lowe's in the area. GIBBS: DiNozzo? TONY: `A lot of the furniture in the room is authentic Fifties. Not my taste, but what the hell. (BEAT) All from various manufacturers. Nothing in production today. The way I figure it, he would have had to have collected the pieces from antique shops or garage sales. KATE: What about the possibility they were handed down from family? TONY: Yeah, I was getting to that. There is, of course, always the possibility that the pieces had been handed down from family members. The point is either scenario is not a road that is easily traceable. (BEAT) Question for you, Probie. Redbook. Why? MCGEE: Redbook was and still is the definitive magazine for today's young woman. TONY: You planning a s*x change? MCGEE: No. Since I've always been interested in women, I figured the best way to know about them was to, you know, know about them. TONY: McGee, the best way to know about them is to know them. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY PALMER: Do you think she knew him? DUCKY: It's difficult to say. She could have been lured by a confident or grabbed by a stranger. The result, unfortunately in the case of so many women, is the same either way. Is your recorder on? PALMER: Do you want it to be on? DUCKY: No, do you want it on? PALMER: Well, it helps me to be more accurate in my report. DUCKY: Well then turn it on. PALMER: It is on. DUCKY: Then why didn't you just say so. PALMER: I... I'm not sure. DUCKY: The victim is a Caucasian woman, twenty to twenty-five. Cause of death can be attributed to non-specific asphyxiation. No obvious signs of sexual trauma, but due to the dehydration and mummification of tissue, it's impossible to say whether she was violated. PALMER: Yeah, but you'd think that she was though, right? I mean, all the stories that you read about. These guys... they don't keep girls down in a cellar for conversation. DUCKY: Where do you read these stories, Mister Palmer? PALMER: I... I didn't mean that I actually read them. I meant to say that... that... DUCKY: She wore a ring. PALMER: A wedding ring? DUCKY: Yeah, no doubt it was removed violently. Mister Palmer, what stories? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - DAY GIBBS: What do you have, Abby? ABBY: What don't I have, Gibbs? Clothing fibers, carpet fibers, dust, beetle parts, soiled bedding. There's even a pamphlet called "The Good Wives Guide." What's up with that? GIBBS: Ask McGee. ABBY: McGee? GIBBS: McGee. ABBY: Really. GIBBS: The dress, Abby. ABBY: As you might imagine, it's not exactly virginal. It was made in nineteen fifty-two. She'd been wearing it for months before she died. And I'm running a DNA sample as we... GIBBS: Prints? ABBY: All over the room! Thanks to our semi-mummy, I was able to get a match for our victim. Your crack team is running them A-FIS. GIBBS: Only prints in the room were hers? ABBY: Yeah, I'm afraid so. I found traces of cleanser on the furniture. GIBBS: He's cautious. ABBY: So am I when I chain guys up. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY KATE: Victim is Carolyn Figgis. Petty Officer Third Class, twenty two. Went missing eighteen months ago. TONY: I pulled the file, Boss. It was a Pacci case. Didn't have much. She left for work one morning and poof! Gone! No witnesses. Case went cold. GIBBS: Yeah, well it just got hot again. MCGEE: Ducky estimates she's been dead about a year. That means she was in the bunker for six months before she died. TONY: That rules out the last tenants. GIBBS: Kate? Tell me about our killer. KATE: The basic pathology is obvious. He was probably abused as a child. Dad beating on mom. One or both beating on him. Who knows? MCGEE: He's trying to create the perfect relationship. KATE: That's right. Control is the name of the game. TONY: This one didn't live up to his expectations. KATE: Why was I sure you'd understand that part? GIBBS: So he cut off her air supply, left her in an airtight chamber to die, and moved on. KATE: Yeah, that's the problem. This kind of pathology is driven. He's not going to stop until he finds the perfect one. GIBBS: He's playing house with somebody else out there. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BUNKER - DAY (CAMERA ANGLE CLOSE ON BRIDE) (MUSIC UP AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS GARAGE - DAY GIBBS: Something's off. KATE: Gibbs, I recreated it from McGee's photos. Gibbs, everything in here was A-L-S'd. All pertinent forensic evidence was sent to Abby for analysis, and then I rebuilt it from the photos. (BEAT) This room and everything in it is exactly as it was when we found it. (SIGHS) (GIBBS STRAIGHTENS THE LAMP) GIBBS: What is with his Fifties thing? KATE: The Fifties represents an idealized time when the rules between men and women were simpler. GIBBS: This was an older guy. KATE: Actually, I think he was younger. As Tony said, a lot of the stuff in here is authentic Fifties, but a lot of it isn't. Some is Sixties. Some are reproductions. But it isn't pure. GIBBS: He couldn't get his hands on the real deal. KATE: I don't think it mattered. I think he put this room together based on his idea of a fantasy, rather than some remembrance of an ideal experience. GIBBS: Someone who grew up with it would be more pure? KATE: Well, I think he'd want be as close to what he actually experienced as possible. Plus he didn't seem to have a problem with just picking up and leaving everything behind. GIBBS: How do we know that he didn't have to leave? KATE: Transferred. It's possible. GUARD: Ducky said her wedding ring was removed. KATE: Well, it makes sense that would be the one thing that he keeps in common from one bride to the next. You know, it might help if I could observe a re-enactment of the victim's life inside the chamber. GIBBS: Put someone in a wedding dress. KATE: Tony would look cute. GIBBS: Nope. Off interviewing the victim's parents. KATE: Well, McGee then. GIBBS: No. McGee's with Tony. KATE: Abby? GIBBS: No, up to her tats in forensics tests. KATE: Well what about you? (LONG BEAT) You won't have to wear the dress. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR - MOVING (SFX: ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ON THE RADIO) TONY: I hate that song, McGee.(SFX: RADIO CLICKS OFF) MCGEE: I thought you bought tickets to see them next week. TONY: I changed my mind. I'm selling them on eBay. MCGEE: Oh. Well, could we listen to something else? TONY: Sure. (SFX: COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS B.G.) MCGEE: This isn't about music, is it? TONY: This what? MCGEE: Whatever it is that isn't music. TONY: This is your conversation, McGee. MCGEE: Tony, I'm not after your job. TONY: (CHUCKLES) Do you think I'm actually worried about you taking my place, Probie? MCGEE: No, I mean of course not. How could I be? You're Gibbs' right hand guy. TONY: Did Gibbs say that? MCGEE: Uh...not... not directly. TONY: Then why did you say that? MCGEE: Well, because I've heard him say nice things. TONY: What kind of things? MCGEE: I - I don't remember. TONY: Remember. MCGEE: Um... okay. Uh... yesterday. TONY: Yeah? MCGEE: Yeah, he uh... said something about filing your case report. TONY: Well, what did he say exactly? MCGEE: He said it wasn't late for once. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. GARAGE - DAY KATE: This is not what I had in mind, Gibbs. GIBBS: You wanted a re-enactment. Re-enact. KATE: I wanted to observe. GIBBS: I'm observing. KATE: Okay. She can make it to the toilet, but she couldn't make it to the threshold of the tunnel. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BASEMENT - FLASHBACK KATE: (V.O.) I can't imagine what she must have gone through, Gibbs. How many months did she suffer before giving up and realizing she was never going to be found, that no one was ever going to hear her screams. She had nothing left to do but sit and stare at her own reflection. SWISH PAN TO: INT. GARAGE - DAY [SCENE_BREAK] GIBBS: Hmm. KATE: What? GIBBS: The rug. The spots. KATE: Someone was standing there over and over again. GIBBS: Mm-mm. The pattern's wrong. It's not from a shoe or foot. It's too round - too large. She wasn't standing. She was kneeling. KATE: Enough to permanently wear an indentation in the carpet. GIBBS AND KATE: (IN UNISON) Praying. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - DAY ABBY: (V.O.) Polopinus Ingens. Commonly known as the Darkling Beetle. As with all beetles, (ON CAMERA) the Darkling has two sets of wings. One set of hard front wings and a set of soft hind wings used for flying. GIBBS: This is going to be useful, Abby, why? ABBY: Gibbs, I know you know that I need a good windup before I deliver my knock-out. GIBBS: Just hit me with it, baby. ABBY: Okay, this particular species of Darkling is indigenous only in extreme Southeast Georgia and Northeast Florida. GIBBS: What's it doing in Virginia? ABBY: My guess? Somebody stepped on it. A piece of it got lodged in the shoe, and then it dislodged in Mister Sicko's love nest. Very "Silence of the Lambs," don't you think? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: Our nasty little critter could have called any one of three Navy bases home; Jacksonville Naval Air Station, or Mayport Naval Station in Florida, Naval Submarine Base Kings Bay, in Georgia. KATE: We have a piece of a beetle that shouldn't be in Virginia. It doesn't mean that the guy who did this is there now. GIBBS: Didn't say it did. MCGEE: Well, she's right, boss. I mean, he could've just been there on vacation, who knows. GIBBS: Could've been. TONY: He still could be here. MCGEE: Except nobody else is missing from Norfolk. Somebody is from Jacksonville. She fits the profile. NCIS Agent Jane Melankovic forwarded a missing person's report she filed on a female Petty Officer, Barbara Swain, Petty Officer Second Class at Jacksonville. She's been missing for almost four months. KATE: She's close in age to Carolyn Figgis, similar look. MCGEE: Same deal, too. Disappeared off the face of the earth. Never made it to work. No witnesses. No clues. Case went dead. GIBBS: Get us on the next flight to Jacksonville, and tell Agent Melankovic we think her victim might still be alive on base. TONY: On it, Boss. KATE: Pretty thin, Gibbs. GIBBS: All we got, Kate. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. NAVAL BASE - DAY MELANKOVIC: The Seahawk is still searching for thermal anomalies ... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS COMM ROOM MELANKOVIC: ... on the ground surface. TONY: We've been sweeping for a long time, Agent Melankovic. MELANKOVIC: At this altitude, they're working a hundred and fifty foot swatches. It's time consuming, but more accurate. KATE: Hungry again, Tony? TONY: Actually, no, Kate. I ... I'm just bored. I had something to eat on the plane. I'm not sure what I ate, but it was filling. MCGEE: You had the Chicken Singapore with port mushroom sauce. TONY: Something you read in Redbook, McGee? MCGEE: Ladies Home Journal, actually. MELANKOVIC: The Food and Home section? MCGEE: Yeah, that's right. MELANKOVIC: The best. MCGEE: Oh, no question. MELANKOVIC: McGee, right? MCGEE: Timothy. MELANKOVIC: Jane. TONY: Me, Tony. (VOICE OVER RADIO B.G.) MELANKOVIC: Oh, looks like they're picking up a thermal signature. It's warm. Warm is good. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. HOUSING PROJECT - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ CARS BRAKE TO A STOP) (AGENTS RUSH FROM THE CARS TO THE HOUSE) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. GARAGE - DAY BAUM: Whoa, don't shoot! Don't shoot! Please don't shoot! [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. GARAGE - DAY TONY: Petty Officer Third Class Darrel Baum. MCGEE: Works in Avionics. TONY: Claims he was growing it for his own personal use. GIBBS: What do you think? TONY: Well, there's over two hundred plants, Boss. Got to think he's spreading the love, and I'm pretty sure Darrel's cutting into his profit margin. GIBBS: There's nothing here. TONY: Doesn't look like it. Says he started over three months ago. Size of the weeds indicates that would be about right. KATE: And you know this because? TONY: Of my experiences with the Baltimore P.D. Drug Task Force. GIBBS: You were never on the Baltimore P.D. Drug Task Force. TONY: I have friends. We shared experiences. MCGEE: Actually, Darrel does seem to be on the level, Boss. GIBBS: Oh, and you know this why, McGee? From personal knowledge? MCGEE: No, no no no. I mean, you know, there was occasional innocent youth, you know, experiences, of course. M.P.: (OVERLAP) Commander Spencer would like to see you, Sir. TONY: Let me guess, you never inhaled. MCGEE: I inhaled. TONY: Yeah? MCGEE: Yeah. Once, a little bit. TONY: How was it? MCGEE: Didn't like it. KATE: You didn't like it? MCGEE: No. KATE AND TONY: (IN UNISON) He didn't inhale. SPENCER: All four hundred twenty three houses have been analyzed, Agent Gibbs. No heat signatures other than this one have been recorded. Okay with you if I recall the helo? (SPENCER WALKS O.S.) KATE: What now, Gibbs? GIBBS: Well, I guess we just give up, Agent Todd. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CHAMBER - DAY (CAMERA CLOSE ON BARBARA SWAIN) (MUSIC OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OFFICE - DAY ABBY: (V.O.) Shot the forensics wad on our mummified bride. Except for the prints, nothing in the underground chamber is really speaking to me. The carpet fiber indicates a (ON MONITOR) cheap nylon product available anywhere. Analysis of the accumulated dust only indicates that our sicko murderer ... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY ABBY: (ON MONITOR) ...Wasn't any better a housekeeper ... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OFFICE - DAY ABBY: (V.O.) ...Than he was a pretend husband. GIBBS: The clothes fibers. ABBY: White cotton, probably socks. And purple silk. (ON CAMERA) Don't know what that's about. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY ABBY: Maybe a scarf or an ascot kind of thing. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY KATE: How many guys wear ascots today? TONY: I have. KATE: You would. GIBBS: Okay, thanks, Abs. ABBY: (ON MONITOR) Oh, anything for you, oh wonderful wizard. (V.O.) By the way, Tony? TONY: Yeah? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY ABBY: I need it back when you're done. MELANKOVIC: Files you requested. All the transfers from Norfolk over the past six months. GIBBS: Put them over there, Agent Melankovic. Hey, we appreciate the use of your desk. MELANKOVIC: Not a problem. Finding everything all right? GIBBS: Yeah, DiNozzo there sure found the nuts without much trouble. TONY: I haven't eaten since the plane. I hope you don't mind. MELANKOVIC: I do, actually. They're for my sister. TONY: Oh, I'm sorry. But probably for the best. So fattening. I'm sure you know that from all your food magazine reading. MELANKOVIC: She's anorexic. GIBBS: According to the missing person's report, the last person to see Petty Officer Swain was her roommate. MELANKOVIC: That's right. Petty Officer Debra Marshall. GIBBS: Is she still on base? MELANKOVIC: Mechanic in Motor-T. GIBBS: All right, Kate, you're with me. DiNozzo, you're with McGee. TONY: McGee, yeah. GIBBS: Help her with the transfers. MELANKOVIC: Agent Gibbs, I did the initial interview with the roommate. GIBBS: Yeah. I know. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. MOTOR POOL - DAY KATE: Petty Officer Marshall? MARSHALL: Yeah? KATE: NCIS. MARSHALL: Is it about Barbara, Ma'am? KATE: Yes. MARSHALL: Have they found her? KATE: No. GIBBS: You don't expect her to be found alive? KATE: I was told the odds get worse the longer a person goes missing, Sir. GIBBS: Well, yeah. That's true. KATE: Agent Melankovic might have gone over this ground with you before, but... MARSHALL: No problem, Ma'am. GIBBS: You last saw your roommate when she left for work four months ago. MARSHALL: It was zero six hundred, Sir. She worked here in Admin. That's how we met. KATE: Was there anyone acting strange around her? Any arguments or disputes you might know about? MARSHALL: No, Ma'am. Everybody liked Barbara. GIBBS: Even likeable people have beefs. So I'm told. KATE: Was there anything particular on her mind at the time? MARSHALL: Nothing other than what was always on her mind. KATE: Guys. MARSHALL: She was hung up that she couldn't find the right one. GIBBS: She wanted to get married? MARSHALL: In the worst way, Sir. Except all the guys she met were losers. She thought something must be wrong with her. Even mentioned she might even see somebody about it. KATE: Did she? MARSHALL: I don't know. She was a really private person. GIBBS: Did you ever meet any of the losers? MARSHALL: No, Sir. I couldn't even tell you their names. I doubt Barbara could either. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY KATE: C.P.O. Alan Drewe. Transferred from Norfolk two months ago. Left-handed. Father was a drywall subcontractor. He could have built the bunker. MCGEE: Captain Marshall Buckner. Right handed but heads up a SeaBee crew, and has a domestic disturbance charge on his record. Transferred last May. TONY: (READS) Always respond enthusiastically to your husband's amorous advances. It's a wife's duty to make sure his physical needs are met. You know, except for the murder/abduction part, I kind of think this guy's on to something. MELANKOVIC: I can't believe you just said that. TONY: Why? MELANKOVIC: It's sexist and insensitive and what the hell does it have to do with our investigation. Do you know, Timothy? TONY: Answer Jane, Timothy. MCGEE: The real question is, do you find it pertinent? TONY: Every bit as pertinent to this investigation as those files, Probie. MCGEE: It is? TONY: It speaks to the suspect's state of mind. MCGEE: Tony, with all due respect, it speaks more to yours... TONY: With all due respect, Probie, how much time do you have in the field? MCGEE: Not a lot, of course. TONY: Exactly. Because you're a probationary field agent. I know it can be confusing sometimes. MCGEE: I'm actually not confused. TONY: You just think you're not confused. In reality you're very confused and that contradiction is what makes the whole situation seem... um... more... um... MCGEE: Confusing? TONY: Exactly. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. HOSPITAL - DAY KATE: Just because she didn't see a Navy therapist doesn't mean she wasn't seeing someone off base. GIBBS: She's a Petty Officer. Civilian shrinks are expensive. KATE: Private people go to long lengths sometimes. GIBBS: Sometimes. Sometimes they don't have to. KATE: Bit's in your mouth, Gibbs. GIBBS: She didn't have to see a shrink. KATE: Okay. GIBBS: Second divorce. I saw the Padre. KATE: Chaplains don't keep records. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CHAPEL - DAY EVANS: Yes, I saw her. Only once, though. KATE: We know that whatever you discuss is confidential, but her life could hang in the balance. GIBBS: What happened to the woman at Norfolk could be happening to her. EVANS: Petty Officer Swain didn't say much. In fact, I did most of the talking. KATE: What were her issues? EVANS: She was attracted to men who fulfilled her needs on a physical level but not a spiritual one. And I tried to make her see they didn't need to be mutually exclusive. A difficult concept in today's world. GIBBS: Did she mention any of those men by name? EVANS: No, she met them in bars. I got the impression they weren't around very long. She was supposed to call and make another appointment. Never did. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY MCGEE: This one is not left-handed either, but everything else fits. (SFX: PHONE RINGS) TONY: (INTO PHONE) DiNozzo.(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) How's it going with the transfers? TONY: (INTO PHONE) Uh... almost finished, Boss. We've I.D.'d fifteen that fit a substantial part of the profile. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (V.O.) Good. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Put down... (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) "The Good Wife's Guide" (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) ...and listen up. Padre... (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) ...thinks Petty Officer Swain could have met this guy at a local bar. Split up and canvas the area. (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) See if a bartender can make a connection to one of them? I'll make copies of their service photos. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) DiNozzo? (SCENE CUT) TONY: (INTO PHONE) Yeah? (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Make the copies yourself. (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY TONY: (INTO PHONE) Of course. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. COPY ROOM - DAY GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Are you sure about this, DiNozzo? TONY: All in his S.R.B, Boss. Left-handed. Transferred six months ago.(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) From where? (SCENE CUT) MELANKOVIC: Norfolk. MCGEE: Boss, you remember what Abby said about the clothes fibers? (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) Chaplains sometimes wear a vestment called a... (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) ... stole over their uniform. It's a band of silk cloth hung around the neck. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Silk? (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) The color of the stole depends on the liturgical season. It can be red, or green, or white... (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Or purple!(END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SFX: CAR TIRES SCREECH) KATE: It wasn't Petty Officer Carolyn Figgis who was praying, was it? GIBBS: Nope. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. CHURCH - DAY (SFX: CAR BRAKES TO A STOP) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CHURCH - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ EVANS PRAYS IN THE PEW/ GIBBS AND KATE ENTER THE CHURCH) (DOOR OPENS) (SFX: GUNSHOT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CHAMBER - DAY (SFX: CAMERA CLOSE ON SWAIN) (MUSIC OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CHURCH - DAY SPENCER: After your interview he must have sensed that it was just a matter of time. GIBBS: What do you know about him, Commander? SPENCER: Not much. He was Episcopal. I'm Catholic. Only time I ever met him was at the Navy Ball. He seemed normal to me. GIBBS: Yeah. Usually do. SPENCER: The Medical Examiner's on the way. I'll get the search helo back in here. KATE: I wonder what Ducky would say to this piece of work. GIBBS: He'd ask Evans where he's keeping Petty Officer Swain. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CHAPLAIN'S QUARTERS - DAY JOHN: (ON TV) I think I'm going to get married. OZZIE: John says he's going to get married! DARB: That's great! OZZIE: Oh, that's wonderful, John. JOHN: You're the one who convinced me, Oz. Why this delightful home, wonderful family, devoted wife. Ah, this is the way a man should live. I didn't realize what I'd been missing all these years. OZZIE: Oh, look at that. MCGEE: What are you watching? TONY: Ozzie and Harriet. Ran for fourteen years. Four hundred and thirty five episodes. MCGEE: Why am I not surprised you would know that? TONY: I have the "best of" boxed set at home. It's really good. Where did you find those? MCGEE: I found them stashed under the settee. TONY: The settee? MCGEE: It's a small sofa with seating for two. I sold mine at a garage sale last year. Are you gonna watch the whole hour or..? TONY: They were half hour, McGee. And what if I do? MCGEE: I guess that would mean you're trying to figure the suspect's state of mind. TONY: We're going to make a field agent out of you yet, Probie. MELANKOVIC: DiNozzo. I flipped on the light switch, look what I got. TONY: Well, it's either a darkroom, or a really small bordello, what's your call? MELANKOVIC: Have you always been a smartass, Agent DiNozzo? TONY: Tony. Probably as long as you've been an overachiever, Jane. MELANKOVIC: He might have pictures somewhere around here. To remind him. TONY: He might. Are you ready to find where Ozzie stashed Harriet? (SFX: TONY PURRS) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. NAVAL BASE - DAY SPENCER: (V.O.) The Chaplain could have hidden her in a number of places the thermal scanner wouldn't pick up. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SPENCER'S OFFICE - DAY SPENCER: We've got unoccupied housing, training and maintenance units as well as boiler rooms here and here. Base housing storage is another possibility. Several abandoned ammo dumps in this quadrant, abandoned ammo bunkers in this one here. Jacksonville N.A.S. is almost four thousand acres with hundreds of buildings. It'll take us days to search them all. GIBBS: Then we'd better start now. SPENCER: How much time does she have? GIBBS: If he's cut off the O-two like he did the others, a few hours. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. EVENS' QUARTERS - DAY MCGEE: (READS) My darling, my betrothed. I long for the day we will be together always." There must be more than fifty of these love letters. TONY: All sounding like Nelson Eddy recordings. MCGEE: That guy was on the air for fourteen years, singing lyrics like that? TONY: Different Nelson. Not Ozzie Nelson, Nelson Eddy. MCGEE: You have his collection, too? TONY: "The Forgotten Recordings." MCGEE: You seem to have an awful lot in common with this... (LONG BEAT) (TONY OPENS THE PHONOGRAPH) TONY: Uh huh.(TONY LOOKS THROUGH THE PHOTO ALBUM) TONY: Oh. She's not Petty Officer Figgis or Swain. And neither is this one. There's Figgis. KATE: God, she looks terrified. TONY: Here's Swain. Where did he hide you, Petty Officer Swain? MCGEE: I'll scan the prints, upload them to Abby. I wish we had the negatives. TONY: Probie. MCGEE: Negatives. TONY: When I was a kid I used to hide stuff in my record player. MELANKOVIC: Nice work, hotshot. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MTAC - DAY ABBY: (ON MONITOR) Some of these prints were enlarged from the negatives. I think you'll find this one very interesting. Okay, this is Petty Officer Swain's photo from the album. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - DAY ABBY: Now look at the full negative. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. M-TAC ROOM - DAY ABBY: (ON MONITOR) There's much more visible in the background now around the bed, and there's some sort of door to the left. GIBBS: Abs, can you blow that up... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) ...And lighten it? ABBY: Oh, yeah! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. M-TAC - DAY ABBY: (ON MONITOR) It's a riveted door frame. GIBBS: That's an ammo bunker. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. AMMO BUNKER - DAY (SFX: CAR BRAKES TO A STOP) (SFX: CAR DOORS OPEN/ CLOSE) SPENCER: You're right, Gibbs. These ammo bunkers are the only underground structures on the base with riveted doors. GIBBS: How many? SPENCER: Six bunkers, all with multiple corridors and up to a hundred compartments each. Some units have bar locks, others padlocks. They've been vacated so long, I couldn't get access to a master key. GIBBS: We'll need bolt cutters. SPENCER: You got them. The search dogs won't be here for another half hour. GIBBS: Can't wait. Kate, McGee, DiNozzo, take bunker two. Thanks. Melankovic, you're with me. KATE: We'll take bunker three. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BUNKER - DAY (DOOR OPENS) KATE: Clear! (ACTION CONTINUES/ KATE AND MCGEE MOVE THROUGH THE BUNKER) KATE: Clear! MCGEE: Clear! (ACTION CONTINUES) (KATE AND MCGEE CONTINUE CUTTING LOCKS / OPENING DOORS) MCGEE: Kate, I hear tapping. KATE: Petty Officer Swain?! (TO MCGEE) Open it. MCGEE: Ready?(DOOR OPENS) (SFX: WATER TAPS ON METAL B.G.) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. BUNKER - DAY GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Bunker one is clear. What's everyone's status? KATE: (V.O./FILTERED) McGee and I are almost done, too. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. THIRD BUNKER - DAY TONY: (INTO PHONE) I got a couple more, Boss. GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Keep me posted. (SFX: TONY CUTS THE LOCK/ DOOR OPENS) TONY: Petty Officer Swain? Are you all right? SWAIN: Where's Brett? TONY: Well you don't have to worry about him. He's dead. You're safe now, okay? (SFX: TELEPHONE BEEP TONE) TONY: (WHISPERS/INTO PHONE) Boss, DiNozzo. I got her. Bunker two, corridor C. She's all right but-- (SFX: SWAIN SMASHES A LAMP OVER TONY'S HEAD) GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) DiNozzo! Tony! Tony are you there?! (MUSIC OVER ACTION/KATE AND GIBBS RUSH INTO THE BUNKER) GIBBS: Kate. SWAIN: Is it true? Brett's dead? GIBBS: Put the gun down, Petty Officer. SWAIN: We were supposed to get married. I don't think I can go on without him. GIBBS: Kate? KATE: You've done everything that Brett's asked, haven't you? SWAIN: I have. KATE: You wouldn't want to disappoint him, would you? SWAIN: No. KATE: Doesn't the guide say that the good wife must carry on in her husband's absence? Let me show you. (KATE GRABS SWAIN) SWAIN: (CRYING) Oh, god. Oh, god. Oh...(SFX: SWAIN CRIES B.G.) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY (SFX: TONY MOANS) MCGEE: How's your head? TONY: Still throbbing. You know what bongos are? MCGEE: Yeah. TONY: Well a Beatnik is playing them in my head. KATE: You finally met the perfect Fifties woman and she almost kills you, DiNozzo. TONY: She was so obedient. KATE: Yes. Scary how impressed you are by that. MCGEE: I find it hard to believe how Chaplain Evans could have such power over her. KATE: Classic Stockholm Syndrome. She formed an emotional attachment to her captor. It'll take her time, but she'll recover. GIBBS: DiNozzo, Kate, McGee. M-TAC now! TONY: DiNozzo, Kate, McGee. DiNozzo, Kate, McGee! KATE: Beatnik gone? TONY: Yeah. KATE: Cool.	Plan: A: a wedding dress; Q: What was the woman wearing when she was found? A: Marine; Q: What type of home was the mummified remains of a woman found in? A: Gibbs; Q: Who and his team investigate the mummified remains of a woman? A: the 1950s; Q: What decade was the room the victim was in modeled after? A: a serial killer; Q: What does Kate suspect is responsible for the crime? A: horrific abuse; Q: What did Kate suspect the serial killer endure as a child? A: a missing person's report; Q: What does McGee uncover in his search for answers? A: Jacksonville; Q: Where is the missing person's report that McGee uncovers? A: four months; Q: How long has the missing petty officer been missing? A: the Base; Q: Where do the team head to work with the NCIS Special Agent? A: the missing officer; Q: What do the team hope to find before it is too late? Summary: The mummified remains of a woman wearing a wedding dress are found in an abandoned Marine home at the Norfolk station that was due to be torn down after being condemned. When Gibbs and his team go to investigate, they discover that the room the victim was in is modeled on the 1950s which leads Kate to suspect that a serial killer, one who she profiles endured horrific abuse as a child is responsible for the crime. In the search for answers, McGee uncovers a missing person's report, this one in Jacksonville regarding a petty officer who had vanished on her way to work and who has been missing for four months. The team then head to the Base and begin working with the NCIS Special Agent there in the hope of finding the missing officer before it is too late and to also stop the killer once and for all.
The Tomb of the Cybermen By Kit Pedler and Gerry Davis 5:50pm - 6:15pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1, INT: CENTRAL CHAMBER (Klieg holds a Cybergun in his hand.) CALLUM OOV: Watch out Doctor! (Klieg fires the gun with a "woompf" and Victoria screams as Callum falls to the floor clutching his shoulder which is, amazingly, still intact. Callum only caught the heat from the beam as he threw the Doctor aside, but even that was enough to cook him considerably. Parry rushes over to Callum, but Klieg waves the gun at him.) KLIEG: Keep back! Your gun. (Parry reluctantly hands over the weapon and Klieg gives it to Kaftan.) PARRY: You've killed him you murderer! KLIEG: No, he is fortunate, I spared him! JAMIE: Hah, you mean you missed him! KLIEG: Silence! I could have destroyed him if I wanted to! Shall I kill them now? KAFTAN: No, no, that will not be necessary. I'm sure the Cybermen will have a good use for them. You will make excellent experimental specimens! (Callum begins to moan from where he is lying on the ground.) VICTORIA: Oh let me help him please! KLIEG: No tricks! DOCTOR: You still think that you can bargain with the Cybermen? KLIEG: Certainly! And this time on our terms! (He pulls the lever and the hatch rises. Klieg walks over and shouts down into the hole.) KLIEG: I wish to speak to the Controller! I wish to speak to the Controller! [SCENE_BREAK] 2, INT: MAIN CAVERN (Down in the main cavern Klieg's voice can be heard calling from up above like the Megatron.) KLIEG: (OOV.) I wish to speak to the Controller! (In the cavern the Cybermen can hear, but are ignoring the voice.) CONTROLLER: THE HUMANOIDS MUST FIRST BE DESTROYED. YOU WILL RE-ENTER CELLS TO CONSERVE ENERGY. DRONE: HE IS NOW PREPARED. CONTROLLER: RELEASE HIM. (The drone pulls back a sheet and Toberman sits up, but he is no longer human. He stares mindlessly forward and his right arm is visible, but it is silver and has three fingers exactly like the Cybermen. Slowly the Cybermen climb back into their tombs and seal themselves up again.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3, INT: CENTRAL CHAMBER KLIEG: They're coming! And now gentlemen you will see how I shall use the power of the Cybermen! DOCTOR: Use maybe, but you'll never control the Cybermen. (The Controller's upper torso appears past the hatch, and Toberman follows.) KAFTAN: Eric, behind you! (Klieg turns.) KLIEG: Stop! You know what this can do to you! (The Controller stops.) KLIEG: That's better. Now you are under my control. We know you that you must be revitalised or you will perish. If you agree to my terms I will let you survive. CONTROLLER: I WILL LISTEN. KAFTAN: Make them release Toberman. JAMIE: If you think they'll listen to you you're even dafter than I thought. KLIEG: Silence! Sit down. First, you release our man. (The Controller turns to face Toberman and a wave of energy passes from the Controller's forehead to Toberman's. Slowly Toberman climbs the ladder and descends the steps and stands in silence like a man possessed.) KAFTAN: Toberman, it is good that you are back, watch them. (Jamie has notices the way that Toberman is acting like a Zombie and whispers to the Doctor.) JAMIE: Doctor he seems, uh... DOCTOR: Yes Jamie, yes. (Klieg wonders what Jamie meant, but as he has taken his eyes off the Controller it has begun to move and is at the top of the steps, about to descend into the chamber. He spins around and trains the gun once again.) KLIEG: Stay where you are! (He approaches the Controller.) KLIEG: No, do you agree to accept our plan? DOCTOR: Plan? KLIEG: The conquest of the Earth. PARRY: What? You must be out of your mind! KLIEG: Silence! Your answer? CONTROLLER: WE ACCEPT. WE WILL GIVE YOU SOME OF OUR POWER DEVICES. KLIEG: Good! I knew an understanding could be reached. I shall let you be revitalised. To survive it must be now. Come forward - slowly. (The Controller does as he is told and walks slowly across to the power room.) KAFTAN: Eric be careful! KLIEG: Leave this to me! PARRY: You're absolutely crazy to trust them! KLIEG: Do you think so? Then perhaps you and your colleagues had better join him! (He motions with the Cybergun and they all walk towards the power room.) KLIEG: Oh go on, go on! (Klieg grabs Victoria.) KLIEG: The girl stays with us! DOCTOR: No! (The door to the room slides shut silencing their protestations. Klieg walks by Toberman.) KLIEG: Now close the hatch. (Toberman remains standing silently as if awaiting real orders.) KAFTAN: Go on! Close it! (Toberman doesn't respond. Kaftan moves him aside and pulls the lever and the hatch thumps shut. She looks at Toberman curiously.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4, INT: POWER ROOM (The Neuro-Electric Potential emitter, the huge gun-like probe device, is pointed at the coffin-shaped revitaliser. In perfect synchronisation three cautious heads peer silently from behind, Parry on top, the Doctor in the middle and Jamie at the bottom. However, they are the last thing on the metal monster's mind. The towering silver figure of the controller is attempting to get into the Cyberman-sized coffin to revitalise itself, but seems too weak to manage it successfully.) JAMIE: He's too weak to get in! (The Doctor gently pats his head.) DOCTOR: Quiet Jamie. (The Doctor gets out from the hiding place and tiptoes over to the Controller who is still facing the coffin. For a moment the Doctor considers tapping him on the shoulder, but being accustomed to having two arms he thinks the better of it.) DOCTOR: Ahem, you seem to be in trouble. CONTROLLER: THE ENErGy LEVels ARe Low... WE WiLl SURVive. YOU WIlL HeLp us. YOU WILL Help uss... DOCTOR: Er Yes, certainly! Ahem, Jamie, Professor... JAMIE: You don't mean to say you're actually going to help them? PARRY: Surely not! You can't support these creatures! DOCTOR: I think it best. Come on. (They all struggle to get the Controller into the coffin.) DOCTOR: Come along That's it, up there and in! CONTROLLER: YOU UNDerstanD thE MachIne. DOCTOR: Yes, one moment. JAMIE: Have you taken leave of your senses? Now let's go and help Victoria! DOCTOR: In a moment. Now, are you ready? (The Doctor moves to the control panel and flips a sequence of levers. The NEP emitter begins to move up and down with a hum of power and Parry, who was standing in front of it jumps back.) CONTROLLER: wE WiLl SurvIve. WE will SURv.. (The door to the coffin with the Controller inside slams shut.) DOCTOR: Well now, where would you rather have him, in or out of there? JAMIE: Oh I see. DOCTOR: Only we must make sure that he stays in there. [SCENE_BREAK] 5, INT: CENTRAL CHAMBER VICTORIA: Do you really believe you can bargain with those terrible Cybermen? KAFTAN: That is our concern not yours! VICTORIA: I was talking to him not you! KLIEG: They will have to agree to our plan. VICTORIA: Oh, what about the other weapon? KLIEG: What other weapon? VICTORIA: Well I saw another one like that in that room over there. (Klieg looks concerned.) KLIEG: Is that true? KAFTAN: I don't know, but we'd better make sure! KLIEG: No wait, that means that any one of them in there could... KAFTAN: Yes you're right Eric. KLIEG: We'd better wait in here. If the Cyberman is roused we shall be ready for him. No. Stay well clear, take no chances. (He glances up at Toberman nervously.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6, INT: POWER ROOM (The large coffin in the corner has been firmly tied closed with wires cannibalised from one of the pieces of equipment. The NEP emitter is moving up and down wildly and beginning to smoke.) PARRY: Keep back, it's smoking! JAMIE: I told you you shouldn't have touched it! PARRY: Yes, turn it off, it's out of control! (He rushes to the panel, but before he can touch anything the probe stops and falls silent all by itself.) PARRY: It's taken over! DOCTOR: I think not. I think there must be some sort of internal timing mechanism. Jamie, I hope you made those ropes secure. JAMIE: Och, the King of the beasties himself couldnae get out of that one! DOCTOR: Good! (The silence is interrupted by a series of thuds from the coffin. They all rush behind the NEP emitter once more as silver fist busts through the heavy lid of the coffin as if it were constructed of nothing more than polystyrene and tin foil.) PARRY: Good h-! DOCTOR: Oh! (The Controller bursts through the lid in a shower of fragments and surveys the room.) DOCTOR: Jamie, remind me to give you a lesson in tying knots sometime. (The Controller walks around the NEP emitter until it is face to face with the humanoids. This is a different Controller freshly charged and full of beans.) CONTROLLER: YOU WILL REMAIN STILL. (The creature once again transmits it's thought-wave, and it passes through the wall.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7, INT: CENTRAL CHAMBER (Toberman is still standing still awaiting orders when he receives the Controller's telepathic signal and turns. Klieg waves the Cybergun authoritatively.) KLIEG: Stay here and watch that door. At least now we will have some warning. Ahh. (He sits.) CALLUM: What do you two hope to gain from all this? KLIEG: That does not concern you. KAFTAN: Oh they might as well know Eric. We are going to build a better world. CALLUM: Better? Well who for? (Toberman approaches Klieg.) KLIEG: I told you to watch that door! (Toberman throws back his robes and raises his right Cyberarm and brings it down on his neck in a slicing Cyberchop.) KLIEG: Aargh! (Kaftan screams and Toberman approaches her.) KAFTAN: Toberman! (But the half-Cyberman walks past and pulls a lever on the panel. With a hum the door to the power room slides open and everyone exits) JAMIE: Victoria! DOCTOR: Shush! VICTORIA: What's going on? JAMIE: What is it? (The Controller strides around the table and picks up the fallen Cybergun, then approaches Toberman.) CONTROLLER: YOU HAVE DONE WELL. KAFTAN: Toberman! CONTROLLER: SILENCE. HE IS NOW UNDER OUR CONTROL. OPEN THE TOMBS. (Kaftan backs away against the panel.) KAFTAN: No! You have broken your promise. CONTROLLER: CYBERMEN DO NOT PROMISE. SUCH IDEAS HAVE NO VALUE. (The Controller advances and she retreats a little further.) CONTROLLER: OPEN. KAFTAN: No! (The Controller raises the Cybergun, but then lowers it again and operates the lever itself. The hatch swings open and the Controller walks over to it. Kaftan flips the lever back and the hatch thumps down before the Cyberman, causing it to wheel around. She pulls the pistol from her bag and fires it at the Cyberman causing it to pause for a moment in the creature's closest approximation to bemusement.) CONTROLLER: THAT GUN WILL NOT HARM ME. (Kaftan fires again and the Controller does the same, but more effectively. There is a "whoosh" and the Cybergun spits flaming death at Kaftan. She gives one last, hideous scream and falls to the ground smouldering profusely. The Controller strides over to the panel to open the hatch and then returns to the steps.) DOCTOR: Look what they've done! You're not like them, you're a man like us! You must help us! He has killed Kaftan! You must help us! (The Controller peers down into the open hatch.) CONTROLLER: YOU WILL REPORT TO THE SURFACE. (Toberman walks up to the Controller and bashes him on the back sending him reeling, and the gun skitters across the floor to be snatched up by Jamie. Toberman ducks a swinging arm and lands another hit, and they both fall to the floor. The half-human Toberman seems more nimble though, and before the burbling Controller can get to it's feet he bodily picks it up and walks across the chamber. He throws it down upon the control panel. The Controller collides with the panel in a shower of sparks and crumples like an inflatable doll. Beside the table it writhes a little, then lies still.) DOCTOR: Jamie, the hatch! (Jamie spins around to see a drone climbing up the ladder, he runs across, aims the Cybergun and "woompf". The Cyberman writhes around burbling, belching smoke from it's visual and vocal holes, and slumps forward over the rim of the hatch. Jamie gives the creature a shove and it rolls backwards and down into the abyss beneath with a resounding metallic clang.) JAMIE: There's another one Doctor! (He fires down into the hatch and there is another distant clang.) DOCTOR: Are there any more? JAMIE: No, It's gone quiet. I'll close the hatch. DOCTOR: No, wait a minute. I'd better go down there. VICTORIA: Oh no-no! Not again. DOCTOR: It's the only way to make sure. JAMIE: Then I'll go with you. DOCTOR: No wait. You stay and look after Victoria. I'll take somebody else. (He walks over to Toberman.) DOCTOR: Toberman, you see what these creatures have done to you? They've tried to make you like them! Do you understand? They've tried to make you their slave, they just want to use you! They are evil, think of Kaftan! TOBERMAN: Yeah! (Under the table Klieg regains consciousness, but stays low.) DOCTOR: They must be destroyed, d'you see? Evil must be destroyed! Now... come! (Toberman nods.) TOBERMAN: Destroooy! DOCTOR: Come! Come on! Come on! (They move towards the hatch and the Doctor ushers Toberman down and follows.) PARRY: Good luck. DOCTOR: Thank you. JAMIE: Doctor, the gun! DOCTOR: I shan't need that. (They disappear down the ladder.) JAMIE: He should have it! (Callum, who has been standing in the background, suddenly collapses to the floor moaning.) VICTORIA: Oh come on Mr Callum! How are you feeling? CALLUM: I can't move my arm. I can't move my arm. (While everyone is fussing over Callum, Klieg grabs the Cybergun and descends unseen into the lower levels.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8, INT: MAIN CAVERN (The Doctor and Toberman stand before the honeycomb of main tombs.) DOCTOR: Ah, move quietly, they're all dormant, see. TOBERMAN: EEEVIL! (Toberman begins to loudly smash at a piece of apparatus.) DOCTOR: No quietly! They're only asleep, they're not frozen yet! Now, you watch them. I have things to do. Ah yes, let me see... (He moves to the control panel and flips a few levers.) DOCTOR: Yes! KLIEG: Stand clear of that! You're freezing them! (The Doctor see Klieg in the doorway, Cybergun in hand.) DOCTOR: Klieg! (Klieg moves to the panel and reverses the sequence.) DOCTOR: No! no, you'll wake them up! KLIEG: That's exactly my intention! You still don't understand do you? Their Controller is dead, now I shall control them. They'll do what I say! (He smiles triumphantly.) KLIEG: You see Doctor, yours is the privilege to witness for the first time the union between mass power and my absolute intelligence! (He hears a noise from the passages.) KLIEG: Who's that? Come out! Come out, or I shall kill this man! (He raises the Cybergun to the Doctor's chest. Slowly Jamie appears with his hands up.) KLIEG: It's you. Over to that wall - all of you. (Jamie and the Doctor to the wall.) KLIEG: All of you! (Toberman joins them.) KLIEG: Now... DOCTOR: Yes, as you say, such a combination between intelligence and power would make you formidable indeed! Why you'd be commander of the universe with your brilliance! It-it makes the imagination reel with the possibilities! (He lowers the raised Cybergun.) KLIEG: Why Doctor, if I had only known you shared my imagination. You might even have worked for me! DOCTOR: Perhaps it's not too late?! JAMIE: Doctor! DOCTOR: No Jamie, don't you see? (To the side the Cybermen begin to move in their cubicles.) DOCTOR: Don't you see what this is going to all mean to those who come to serve "Klieg the all powerful"? Why, no country, no person would dare to have a single thought that was not your own! Eric Klieg's own conception of the... of the way of life! KLIEG: Brilliant! Yes... yes you're right. Master of the world! (He smiles, gazing into the distance.) DOCTOR: And now I know you're mad, I just wanted to make sure. (Klieg looks confused as he tries to remember where he was when he started the conversation.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9, INT: CENTRAL CHAMBER (Hopper wanders through the external doors and finds Victoria and Parry sitting on the steps to the hatch.) HOPPER: Well, the fuel system's okay now, we can blast off any time. VICTORIA: Tch. PARRY: Alright. HOPPER: Hey, what gives? Well where is everybody? PARRY: Down there, and so are Klieg and the Cybermen. HOPPER: Well I hope they know what they're doing. I've been down there once and I don't reckon to go again. VICTORIA: That's all right Captain, It's comforting to know that we have your superior strength to call upon - should we need it. (Hopper gives Victoria a look.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10, INT: MAIN CAVERN (Klieg is relishing his moment.) KLIEG: And so you have forfeited your right to survival. I shall make an example of you to all who question my intelligence, and the supreme power of the Cybermen! DOCTOR: You know I've heard all this before somewhere. JAMIE: You know your trouble? You talk too much. KLIEG: Oh you're stupid! You still think your puny minds can survive against us?! You're decadent, weak! Do you know that? Weak! DOCTOR: Alright. Go ahead, kill us. (Klieg raises the weapon, then thinks for a moment and lowers it again.) KLIEG: No, I have a better idea, much better idea. I shall leave you to the Cybermen. I'm sure they'll have some use for you. (He laughs.) KLIEG: Or part of you! (He screams as a Cyberman grabs him from behind in a headlock and with a brittle crunch snaps his neck like a twig. The creature operates a series of controls on the board. Toberman is unable to contain himself anymore. Rushing forward, he cannons into the Cyberman, knocking it back and begins to struggle with it. This is all the Doctor needs, he rushes towards the controls with Jamie.) DOCTOR: Quick Jamie. These two levers together. (Jamie tries but it doesn't move.) JAMIE: I-I can't shift this one. DOCTOR: What? You've got to trip that first. (In the background the Cyberman beats Toberman to the floor, raises up with it's arms outstretched and pounces down. For moments they remain locked in a test of strength, machine against machine. Toberman rolls to the side and the Cyberman ends up beneath him. Toberman raises up and beats at the chest unit until the front plate comes away in his cybernetic hands. The dying Cyberman begins to belch smoke as a mass of sticky goo and rubber intestines flop out wetly onto the floor. Jamie and the Doctor watch in disgust as the Cyberman writhes about like a flapping fish out of water. It desperately claws at it's chest unit in an attempt to stem the flow as more and more evil ichor oozes from it's carapace, running onto the floor and flicking from it's metal fingertips. Toberman walks off, past the Doctor and Jamie. They look back to where the drone is lying almost still in a mass of sticky puss-like fluid. It's chest gently rises and falls making faint wet gurgling sounds.) DOCTOR: Last time they were frozen for five centuries. This time it must be forever! (They cast a final look back and then depart. The Cybermen all seal themselves in and adopt freezing positions, as the machinery hums as the entire tomb freezes over gaining a layer of thick white frost again.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11, INT: CENTRAL CHAMBER (The Doctor and Jamie appear from the lower levels and climb out.) VICTORIA: Oh Doctor! DOCTOR: Here we are Victoria, safe and sound. Close the hatch. (The Doctor descends and Jamie follows, greets Hopper. Jamie then turns and trips plunging forward down the steps.) JAMIE: Hello! ...Oop! VICTORIA: Ooh! (Luckily, between them Victoria and the Doctor manage to catch him either side and he remains on his feet. The Hatch thumps shut.) DOCTOR: Hah, there we are. (Jamie turns to look miserably at the offending step, and the Doctor pats him on the back.) JAMIE: Oh! DOCTOR: Now then. (He moves to the panel and opens it poking at the wires inside.) DOCTOR: Now, the best thing about a machine that makes sense; you can very easily make it turn out nonsense. Yup. Now I think you'd better all go outside. PARRY: Why, what are you going to do Doctor? DOCTOR: I'm going to re-electrify the main doors. PARRY: Yes? DOCTOR: Only this time I'm going to include the hatch and the control panel. PARRY: Yes. DOCTOR: Anyone touching any of them will get a considerable shock - in fact a fatal one. PARRY: I see. (The Doctor smiles and glances over to Jamie off shot, who is probably making an obscene gesture back at him.) DOCTOR: Now everyone outside. PARRY: Yes. DOCTOR: And please take him with you, I shall be glad to see him outside. (They all move to leave except Jamie.) VICTORIA: Jamie! JAMIE: No, I'll stay with the Doctor. VICTORIA: Oh all right. (Victoria leaves.) DOCTOR: There we are, that's done. (As the Doctor finishes checking the panel, neither of them notices the Controller beginning to stir by the table.) DOCTOR: Now we just have to close the main doors and the circuit is complete. (The Doctor wanders off to fiddle with the hatch and Jamie follows.) JAMIE: Oh, thank goodness for that. (Jamie has the feeling he is being watched and turns.) JAMIE: Doctor! (The Doctor ignores him, so Jamie shakes his shoulder.) JAMIE: Doctor! (They both turn to see the Controller on it's feet again. There is still the Cybertable between them, but the Controller is advancing slowly.) DOCTOR: Jamie. You go that way and I'll go this way, that way at least one of us will have a chance. When I say run, run. (They walk slowly to the table, the Doctor to the right nearest the external doors, and Jamie to the left. The Doctor attempts to make a dash for the doors, then skips back.) DOCTOR: RUN! (As the Controller tries to follow the Doctor, Jamie hops past behind it. In a second the machine switches target, tries to grab Jamie, but he is too fast and gets to the doors with the Doctor two steps behind.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12, EXT: ENTRANCE TO TOMB (Jamie and the Doctor rush out of the great metal doors, and begin to close them.) DOCTOR: Quickly! Wait, stop! (He removes his hands from the door.) JAMIE: What? DOCTOR: We'll get a shock! (Jamie snatches his hand from the door.) JAMIE: Gah! DOCTOR: We must find something to insulate. I know, that shoring timber over there! Hurry up! Hurry up he's coming! (In the metal of the door skirting something small is reflected. A lone Cybermat that must have got cut off from the others when they attacked slinks across the sand unseen by anyone. Jamie rushes back with the wooden beams.) JAMIE: Okay Doctor! DOCTOR: Oh dear! We must keep him inside or else all our work will be wasted! (The group tries to push against the doors with the beams, but gradually the Controller is easing the doors open.) JAMIE: I can't hold mine, come on! DOCTOR: You must do! JAMIE: Oh! (Toberman strides up and pulls the wooden beams away and places his hands either side of the doors.) JAMIE: Toberman! (The Controller burbles to itself as the battle of strength begins between it trying to open the doors from the inside, and Toberman trying to close them from the outside. Their faces are separated by a foot of empty space in the crack of the door.) CONTROLLER: WE MUST SURVIVE. WE MUST SURVIVE. TOBERMAN: You are evil! (The doors close a little.) DOCTOR: Toberman come away! JAMIE: Careful! You'll get killed man! [SCENE_BREAK] 13, INT: CENTRAL CHAMBER (The doors inch nearer each other.) TOBERMAN: They shall never pass Toberman! The door is closed! (The doors thump together and as the power surges the Controller's hands fizzle with sparks. The huge creature falls backwards in clouds of black smoke.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14, EXT: ENTRANCE TO TOMB (Toberman is standing with his hands on the main doors.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15, INT: CENTRAL CHAMBER (The Controller writhes about the floor, the charge adding to the damage Toberman had already inflicted. With a sudden jerk of it's limbs it ceases for function and it goes slack.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16, EXT: ENTRANCE TO TOMB (Toberman falls to the ground. The Doctor and Parry rush over, but there is nothing they can do.) DOCTOR: Oh! PARRY: How terrible, another life gone! HOPPER: C'mon Professor, blast off in nine minutes. Well, anybody coming along for the ride? VICTORIA: Ah, we have our own flying machine thank you. HOPPER: Flying machine? VICTORIA: At least it works. (Hopper waves a hand dismissively.) HOPPER: Ah, let's go! PARRY: Right... well... Goodbye Doctor, I'm sorry it had to end... (They shake hands.) DOCTOR: I know. (The party exchange nods.) DOCTOR: Goodbye. JAMIE: Now that really is the end of the Cybermen isn't it Doctor? DOCTOR: Yes Jamie. (He thinks for a moment.) DOCTOR: On the other hand, I never like to make predictions. Come along. (They leave for the TARDIS. On the ground, the last lone Cybermat slinks across the sand towards the partly cybernetic body of Toberman who is lying where he fell. Up above, the simple bas-relief outline on the wall of a Cyberman...)	Plan: A: Klieg; Q: Who tries to do a deal with the Cybercontroller? A: the Doctor; Q: Who tries to find a way to refreeze the Cybermen permanently? Summary: Klieg attempts to do a deal with the Cybercontroller while the Doctor tries to find a way to refreeze the Cybermen permanently.
Originally written by Alexa Junge. Transcribed by guineapig. PRE-INTRO-SCENE: CENTRAL PERK (ALL PRESENT EXCEPT JOEY) MONICA: Alright. Phoebe? PHOEBE: Okay, okay. If I were omnipotent for a day, I would want, um, world peace, no more hunger, good things for the rain-forest...And bigger boobs! ROSS: Yeah, see.. you took mine. Chandler, what about you? CHANDLER: Uh, if I were omnipotent for a day, I'd.. make myself omnipotent forever. RACHEL: See, there's always one guy. (MOCKING) "If I had a wish, I'd wish for three more wishes." (ENTER JOEY) ALL: Hey Joey. Hi. Hey, buddy. MONICA: Hey, Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent? JOEY: Probably kill myself! MONICA: ..Excuse me? JOEY: Hey, if Little Joey's dead, then I got no reason to live! ROSS: Joey, uh- OMnipotent. JOEY: You are? Ross, I'm sorry.. (INTRO) SCENE 1: CENTRAL PERK (ROSS AND MONICA ARE WATCHING PHOEBE SLEEP) MONICA: How does she do that? ROSS: I cannot sleep in a public place. MONICA: Would you look at her? She is so peaceful. PHOEBE: (WAKING AND STARTLING THEM) Oh! What what what! ...Hi. ROSS: It's okay, y'know, you just nodded off again. MONICA: What's going on with you? PHOEBE: I got no sleep last night! ROSS: Why? PHOEBE: My grandmother has this new boyfriend, and they're both kind of insecure in bed. Oh, and deaf. So they're constantly, like, having to reassure each other that they're having a good time. You have no idea how loud they are! MONICA: Well, if you want, you can stay with Rachel and me tonight. PHOEBE: Thanks. (ENTER CHANDLER AND JOEY. JOEY IS COUNTING HIS STEPS) JOEY: ...Ninety-five, ninety-six, ninety-seven. See, I told you! Less than a hundred steps from our place to here. CHANDLER: You got waaaay too much free time. JOEY: (TO ROSS) Hey! Here's the birthday boy! Ross, check it out: hockey tickets, Rangers-Penguins, tonight at the Garden, and we're taking you. CHANDLER: Happy birthday, pal! JOEY: We love you, man. (KISSES HIM) ROSS: Funny, my birthday was seven months ago. JOEY: So? ROSS: So, I'm guessing you had an extra ticket and couldn't decide which one of you got to bring a date? CHANDLER: Well, aren't we Mr. "The glass is half empty". ROSS: Oh my God, oh- is today the twentieth, October twentieth? MONICA: Oh, I was hoping you wouldn't remember. ROSS: Ohhh. JOEY: What's wrong with the twentieth? CHANDLER: Eleven days before Hallowe'en.. all the good costumes are gone? ROSS: Today's the day Carol and I first.. consummated our physical relationship. (JOEY IS PUZZLED) sx. ..You know what, I-I'd better pass on the game. I think I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover. JOEY: The hell with hockey, let's all do that! CHANDLER: (TRYING TO STOP ROSS LEAVING) C'mon, Ross! You, me, Joey, ice, guys' night out, c'mon, whaddya say, big guy, (PRETENDING TO PUNCH HIM IN THE STOMACH) huh? huh? huh? ROSS: What are you doing? CHANDLER: (STOPS) I have no idea. JOEY: C'mon, Ross! ROSS: Alright, alright, maybe it'll take my mind off it. Do you promise to buy me a big thumb finger? CHANDLER: You got it. (RACHEL RUNS UP CLUTCHING AN ENVELOPE) RACHEL: Look look look look look, my first pay check! Look at the window, there's my name! Hi, me! PHOEBE: I remember the day I got my first pay check. There was a cave in in one of the mines, and eight people were killed. MONICA: Wow, you worked in a mine? PHOEBE: I worked in a Dairy Queen, why? RACHEL: God, isn't this exciting? I earned this. I wiped tables for it, I steamed milk for it, and it was totally- (OPENS ENVELOPE) -not worth it. Who's FICA? Why's he getting all my money? I mean, what- Chandler, look at that. CHANDLER: (LOOKING) Oh, this is not that bad. JOEY: Oh, you're fine, yeah, for a first job. ROSS: You can totally, totally live on this. MONICA: Yeah, yeah. ROSS: Oh, by the way, great service tonight. ALL: Oh! Yeah! (THEY GET THEIR WALLETS OUT AND GIVE GENEROUS TIPS) BOYS: Hockey! (THEY GO TO LEAVE BUT ARE BLOCKED BY LESLIE, KIKI AND JOANNE. A PAUSE AS THE BOYS STARE AT THEM) Hockey! Hockey. (EXIT BOYS) LESLIE: (LOOKING ROUND) Rachel? RACHEL: Oh my God! (RACHEL, LESLIE, KIKI AND JOANNE ALL SCREAM AND HUG EACH OTHER) MONICA: (TO PHOEBE) I swear I've seen birds do this on Wild Kingdom. RACHEL: What are you guys doing here? KIKI: Well, we were in the city shopping, and your mom said you work here, aaand it's true! JOANNE: Look at you in the apron. You look like you're in a play. RACHEL: (TO (PREGNANT) LESLIE) Look at you, you are so big I can't believe it! LESLIE: I know. I know! I'm a duplex. RACHEL: (TO JOANNE) So what's going on with you? JOANNE: Well, guess who my dad's making partner in his firm? (POINTS TO HERSELF; THEY ALL SCREAM) KIKI: And while we're on the subject of news.. (HOLDS UP HER FINGER TO SHOW A RING; THEY ALL SCREAM) PHOEBE: (TO MONICA) Look, look, I have elbows! (THEY SCREAM) SCENE 2: THE BOYS WALKING DOWN A STREET (CHANDLER AND JOEY ARE KICKING A CAN ABOUT) CHANDLER: ...Poulet passes it up to Leech! (PASSES TO JOEY) JOEY: Leech spots Messier in the crease- there's the pass! (KICKS IT TO ROSS, BUT ROSS IS STARING INTO A SHOP WINDOW) CHANDLER: We'll take a brief time out while Messier stops to look at some women's shoes. ROSS: Carol was wearing boots just like those the night that we- we first- y'know. Fact, she, uh- she never took'em off, 'cause we-we- (OFF CHANDLER'S LOOK) Sorry. Sorry. (THEY WALK ON. CHANDLER AND JOEY START TO TALK BUT ROSS STOPS AND WHINES) JOEY: What? ROSS: Peach pit. CHANDLER: Yes, Bunny? ROSS: (POINTS) Peach pit. That night we, uh- we had- JOEY: -Peaches? ROSS: Actually, nectarines, but basically.. CHANDLER: (TO JOEY) Could've been a peach. ROSS: Then, uh, then we got dressed, and I-I... I walked her to the- (LOOKS UP, REALISES, AND POINTS) -the bus stop... I'm fine. JOEY: Hey, that woman's got an ass like Carol's! (THEY TURN TO STARE AT HIM) What? Thought we were trying to find stuff. (CUT TO CENTRAL PERK- RACHEL, LESLIE, KIKI AND JOANNE TALKING) RACHEL: So c'mon, you guys, tell me all the dirt! KIKI: Well, the biggest news is still you dumping Barry at the altar! JOANNE: Alright. Let's talk reality for a second. RACHEL: Okay. JOANNE: When are you coming home? RACHEL: What? Guys, I'm not. JOANNE: C'mon, this is us. RACHEL: I'm not! This is what I'm doing now. I've got this job- KIKI: Waitressing? RACHEL: Okay, I'm not just waitressing. I'm.. I, um... I write the specials on the specials board, and, uh... and I, uh... I take the uh dead flowers out of the vase... Oh, and, um, sometimes Artelle lets me put the little chocolate blobbies on the cookies. LESLIE: Well. Your mom didn't tell us about the blobbies. SCENE 3: MONICA AND RACHEL'S (PHOEBE AND MONICA ARE IN PAJAMAS. MONICA IS MAKING SOMETHING IN THE BLENDER) (ENTER RACHEL) MONICA: Hey, Rach. How was it with your friends? (SHE AND PHOEBE SCREAM) Okay! How would you like some Tiki Death Punch? (POURS THE CONTENTS OF THE BLENDER INTO GLASSES) RACHEL: What's that? MONICA: Weeeell, it's rum, and- RACHEL: Okay. (GRABS THE BLENDER AND STARTS TO DRINK) MONICA: We thought since Phoebe was staying over tonight we'd have kinda like a slumber party thing. We got some trashy magazines, we got cookie dough, we got Twister.. (PHONE RINGS, MONICA GOES TO ANSWER) PHOEBE: Ooh! Ooh! And I brought Operation! But, um, I lost the tweezers, so we can't operate. But we can prep the guy! MONICA: Uh, Rach, it's the Visa card people. RACHEL: Oh, God, ask them what they want. MONICA: (PHONE) Could you please tell me what this is in reference to? ...Yes, hold on. (TO RACH) Um, they say there's been some unusual activity on your account. RACHEL: But I haven't used my card in weeks! MONICA: That is the unusual activity. Look, they just wanna see if you're okay. RACHEL: They wanna know if I'm okay. Okay.. they wanna know if I'm okay, okay, let's see. Well, let's see, the FICA guys took all my money, everyone I know is either getting married, or getting promoted, or getting pregnant, and I'm getting coffee! And it's not even for me! So if that sounds like I'm okay, okay, then you can tell them I'm okay, okay? MONICA: (PAUSES, THEN, TO PHONE) Uh- Rachel has left the building, can you call back? RACHEL: Alright, c'mon! (MISERABLY) Let's play Twister! SCENE 4: THE GUYS AT THE GAME (TRYING TO FIND THEIR SEATS) ROSS: (SQUEEZING PAST PEOPLE) Sorry, sorry... Uh-oh. CHANDLER: What? There was ice there that night with Carol? Plastic seats? Four thousand angry Pittsburgh fans? ROSS: No, actually I was just saying it looks like we're not sitting together. But now you mention it, there was ice there that night... It was the first frost... JOEY: C'mon, sit. Just sit down, sit. (CUT TO THE GIRLS) MONICA: You should feel great about yourself! You're doing this amazing independence thing! RACHEL: Monica, what is so amazing? I gave up, like, everything. And for what? PHOEBE: You are just like Jack. RACHEL: ...Jack from downstairs? PHOEBE: No, Jack and the Beanstalk. MONICA: Ah, the other Jack. PHOEBE: Yeah, right! See, he gave up something, but then he got those magic beans. And then he woke up, and there was this, this big plant outside his window, full of possibilities and stuff.. And he lived in a village, and you live in the Village.. RACHEL: Okay, but Pheebs, Pheebs, Jack gave up a cow, I gave up an orthodontist. Okay, I-I-I know, I know I didn't love him- PHOEBE: Oh, see, Jack did love the cow. RACHEL: But see, it was a plan. Y'know, it was clear. It was figured out, and now everything's just kinda like- PHOEBE: Floopy? RACHEL: Yeah. MONICA: So what, you're not the only one. I mean, half the time we don't know where we're going. You've just gotta figure at some point it's all gonna come together, and it's just gonna be... un-floopy. PHOEBE: Oh, like that's a word. RACHEL: Okay, but Monica, what if- what if it doesn't come together? MONICA: ...Pheebs? PHOEBE: Oh, well... 'cause.... you just... I don't like this question. RACHEL: Okay, see, see, you guys, what if we don't get magic beans? I mean, what if all we've got are.. beans? (CUT TO THE GAME) ROSS: Get him! GET HIM! Get him! Get- YESSS! Not laughing now, are ya pal! CHANDLER: (TO ROSS) See buddy, that's all you need, a bunch of toothless guys hitting each other with sticks. ROSS: Pass it! Pass it! CHANDLER: He's open! ALL: Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! (THE PLAYER SHOOTS. THE PUCK FLIES OFF THE RINK AND HITS ROSS IN THE FACE. CHANDLER LOOKS CONCERNED, UNTIL HE NOTICES...) CHANDLER: Hey, look, we're on that TV thing! (CHANDLER AND JOEY HOLD UP THE PUCK AND WAVE AT THE TV THING) (AD BREAK) SCENE 5: EMERGENCY ROOM (CHANDLER AND JOEY LEADING ROSS IN) CHANDLER: (TO RECEPTIONIST)'Scuse me. RECEPTIONIST: (HOLDS UP HER HAND- SHE IS ON THE PHONE) It says to call this number if you're not completely satisfied with this candy bar. Well, I'm not completely satisfied. CHANDLER: Listen, it's kind of an emergency. Well, I guess you know that, or we'd be in the predicament room. (RECEPTIONIST GIVES HIM A LOOK TO FREEZE HELL) RECEPTIONIST: (TO PHONE) Hold on. (TO CHANDLER) Fill these out, sit over there. (TOSSES HIM SOME FORMS) ROSS: (JUMPS TO HIS FEET) Look, I don't wanna make any trouble, okay, but I'm in a lot of pain here, alright? My face is dented. RECEPTIONIST: Well, you'll have to wait your turn. JOEY: Well, how long do you think it'll be? RECEPTIONIST: (SARCASTIC) Any minute now. ROSS: Hey, this- (SHE GIVES HIM A LOOK AND THE GUYS BACK OFF) Heyy... (CUT TO THE GIRLS) RACHEL: I'm so sorry, you guys. I didn't mean to bring you down. MONICA: No, you were right. I don't have a plan. (A KNOCK AT THE DOOR) PIZZA GUY (OUTSIDE): Pizza guy. RACHEL: Thank God. Food. (SHE GOES TO GET IT) MONICA: Phoebe? PHOEBE: What? MONICA: Do you have a plan? PHOEBE: I don't even have a 'pl'. PIZZA GUY: Hi, one, uh, mushroom, green pepper and onion? RACHEL: (MISERABLE) No, no, that's not what we ordered... We ordered a fat-free crust with extra cheese. PIZZA GUY: Wait, you're not 'G.Stephanopoulos'? Man, my dad's gonna kill me! MONICA: (LEAPS THE COUCH AND RUNS UP) Wait! Did you say 'G.Stephanopoulos'? PIZZA GUY: Yeah. This one goes across the street, I must have given him yours. Oh, bonehead, bonehead! MONICA: Wait, was this a-a small mediterranean guy with curiously intelligent good looks? PIZZA GUY: Yeah, that sounds about right. MONICA: Was he wearing a stunning blue suit? PHOEBE: And-and a power tie? PIZZA GUY: No, pretty much just a towel. MONICA: (STAGGERED) Oh God. PIZZA GUY: So you guys want me to take this back? MONICA: Are you nuts?! We've got George Stephanopoulos' pizza! (RACHEL PAYS HIM. MONICA GRABS SOME BINOCULARS AND RUNS TO THE WINDOW) RACHEL: Uh, Pheebs? Who's George Snuffalopagus? PHOEBE: Big Bird's friend. MONICA: I see pizza! PHOEBE: Oh, I wanna see! Lemme see! Lemme see! (RUNS UP AND TAKES THE BINOCULARS) RACHEL: Hello? Who are we spying on? MONICA: White House adviser? Clinton's campaign guy? The one with the great hair, sexy smile, really cute butt? RACHEL: Oh, him, the little guy? Oh, I love him! PHOEBE: Ooh, wait.. wait, I see a woman. MONICA: Please tell me it's his mother. PHOEBE: Definitely not his mother. MONICA: Oh, no... PHOEBE: Oh, wait, she's walking across the floor.. she's walking.. she's walking.. she's going for the pizza- (YELLS) Hey, that's not for you, bitch! (PHOEBE COVERS HER MOUTH WITH HER HAND AND WALKS AWAY FROM THE WINDOW) [SCENE_BREAK] (CUT TO THE HOSPITAL. JOEY IS MIMING HOCKEY PUCKS HITTING FOREHEADS. CHANDLER REALISES IT'S GETTING TENSE AND GOES TO THE RECEPTIONIST AGAIN) CHANDLER: Excuse me, look, we've been here for over an hour, and a lot of people less sick than my friend have gone in. I mean, that guy with the toe thing? Who's he sleeping with? (SHE SLIDES THE GLASS PANEL OVER. CHANDLER TALKS THROUGH IT IN A LOUD VOICE) CHANDLER: Oh, c'mon Dora, don't be mad... I know we both said some things we didn't mean, but that doesn't mean we still don't love each other. (TO THE E.R.) Y'know, I feel like I've lost her.. (SHE SLIDES THE PANEL BACK. HE TURNS AND IT TAKES HIM BY SURPRISE) Ba-! (CUT TO THE GIRLS ON MON+RACH'S BALCONY) MONICA: Light still out? RACHEL: Yeah. MONICA: Oh. Maybe they're- napping. RACHEL: Oh please, they're having sx. MONICA+PHOEBE: Shut up! RACHEL: So, whaddya think George is like? MONICA: I think he's shy. PHOEBE: Yeah? MONICA: Yeah. I think you have to draw him out. And then- when you do- he's a preppy animal. (HOSPITAL) ROSS: I remember the moonlight coming through the window- and her face had the most incredible glow. CHANDLER: Yes, the moon, the glow, the magical feeling, you did this part- Could I get some painkillers over here, please? JOEY: He's right, enough, already. What is the big deal about today? So you slept with her for the first time, so what? You slept with her for seven years after that. ROSS: Look, it's just a little more complicated... CHANDLER: Well, what? What? What is it? That she left you? That she likes women? That she left you for another woman that likes women? ROSS: Little louder, okay, I think there's a man on the twelfth floor in a coma that didn't quite hear you... CHANDLER: Then what? ROSS: My first time with Carol was.. (MUMBLES) JOEY: What? ROSS: It was my first time. JOEY: With Carol? (ROSS GIVES HIM A LOOK) JOEY: Oh. CHANDLER: So in your whole life, you've only been with one- (HE GETS A LOOK TOO) -oh. JOEY: Whoah, boy, hockey was a big mistake! There was a whole bunch of stuff we could've done tonight! (BALCONY) MONICA: Okay. Okay, I got one. Do you remember that vegetarian pate that I made that you loved so much? PHOEBE: Uh-huh. MONICA: Well, unless goose is a vegetable...ha haaaah! PHOEBE: Oh! Oh! Oh! Okay, fine, fine. Now I don't feel so bad about sleeping with Jason Hurley. MONICA: What?! You slept with Jason? PHOEBE: You'd already broken up. RACHEL: How long? PHOEBE: A couple hours. MONICA: Oh, that's nice! RACHEL: Okay, okay, okay, I got one! (SHE SITS UP AND THE CUSHION SHE WAS LEANING AGAINST FALLS OFF THE BALCONY) Anyway- The valentine Tommy Rollerson left in your locker was really from me. MONICA: Excuse me?! RACHEL: Hello? Like he was really gonna send you one? (TO PHOEBE) She was a big girl. MONICA: Really. Well, at least 'big girls' don't pee in their pants in seventh grade! RACHEL: I was laughing! You made me laugh! (MONICA AND RACHEL START TO SQUABBLE) PHOEBE: There he is! There he is! MONICA: Where? PHOEBE: Right- where we've been looking all night! RACHEL: He is so cute! MONICA: Oh, George, baby, drop the towel! ALL: Yeah, drop it! Drop the towel! Please drop the- (PAUSE) -wowww. (HOSPITAL- ROSS IS ABSENT) JOEY: Man. Can you believe he's only had s*x with one woman? CHANDLER: I think it's great. Y'know, it's sweet, it's romantic.. JOEY: Really? CHANDLER: No, you kidding? The guy's a freak.. (ENTER ROSS OFF CAMERA) BOTH: Hey, buddy. ROSS: Hi. (HE IS WEARING A PIECE OF STEEL BANDAGED TO HIS NOSE. HE TOSSES SOME FORMS ONTO THE RECEPTION DESK) RECEPTIONIST: (SARCASTIC) Oh, that's attractive. CHANDLER: Oh, I thought you were great in Silence of the Lambs. Oh come on, admit it! All things considered, you had fun tonight. ROSS: Fun? Where was the fun? Tell me specifically, which part was the fun part? Where's my puck? JOEY: Oh, ah- the kid has it. ROSS: The kid..? (TO KID) Excuse me, uh, that's, that's my puck. KID: I found it. Finders keepers, losers weepers. (ROSS LOOKS AT CHANDLER FOR HELP) CHANDLER: You gotta do it, man. ROSS: (TO KID) Oh yeah? Well, I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever- (TO CHANDLER) -can't do it. (TO KID) Listen, uh- gimme back my puck. KID: No. ROSS: 'Yes', how about. C'mere. Gimme! KID: No! No! (THEY FIGHT OVER IT.) RECEPTIONIST: Hey! Hey! No rough holding in my ER! ROSS: (TRIES TO SNATCH IT-) GIVE ME MY PUCK!! (-BUT IT FLIES OUT OF HIS GRASP AND KNOCKS OUT THE RECEPTIONIST) ROSS: ...Now that was fun. CREDITS SCENE: RACHEL+MONICA'S PLACE (JOEY AND THE GIRLS ARE PLAYING TWISTER) ROSS: (DOING THE SPINNING) Okay, Monica: Right foot red. MONICA: Could've played Monopoly, but nooooo. (A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. CHANDLER OPENS IT AND SOME GUY SILENTLY HANDS BACK THE CUSHION) CHANDLER: Thanks. (THE GUY NODS AND LEAVES) ROSS: Okay, Pheebs: Right hand blue. (PHOEBE HAS TO BEND OVER.)Good. (JOEY STARES AT HER BUTT APPRECIATIVELY) (PHONE RINGS, CHANDLER ANSWERS) CHANDLER: Hello? Oh, uh, Rachel, it's the Visa card people. RACHEL: Oh, okay. Will you take my place? CHANDLER: Alright. (TO PHONE) Yes, this is Rachel. RACHEL: Nooo! (TAKES THE PHONE; CHANDLER TAKES HER PLACE) Hello? Oh, yeah, no, I know, I-I haven't been using it much. Oh, well, thanks, but, I'm okay, really. ROSS: Green. To the green. RACHEL: I've got magic beans. Never-never mind. CHANDLER: To the left, to the left- aww! (THEY COLLAPSE) RACHEL: Ohhh... I'm fine.	Plan: A: Ross; Q: Who reveals that Carol is the only woman he has ever slept with? A: the anniversary; Q: When did Ross first sleep with Carol? A: a Rangers game; Q: What does Ross attend with Chandler and Joey? A: the emergency room; Q: Where does Ross go after a hockey puck hits his face? A: Rachel; Q: Who is upset that most of her first paycheck went to the Federal Insurance Contributions Act tax? A: her first paycheck; Q: What did Rachel lose to FICA? A: her new life; Q: What is Rachel depressed about when her old friends visit? A: a slumber party; Q: What do Monica and Phoebe throw for Rachel? A: George Stephanopoulos; Q: Who does Monica and Phoebe spy on? Summary: Ross, feeling morose on the anniversary of his first time sleeping with Carol, attends a Rangers game with Chandler and Joey. When a hockey puck hits Ross's face, the guys take him to the emergency room. While there, Ross reveals that Carol is the only woman he has ever slept with. Rachel is upset that most of her first paycheck went to the Federal Insurance Contributions Act tax (FICA). When her old friends visit, she is even more depressed about her new life, feeling they are more successful than she. Monica and Phoebe throw a slumber party which fails to cheer up Rachel until the girls spy on George Stephanopoulos who they learn is staying in the apartment across the street.
In the woods An unidentified person carries a dead roe dear through the forest, holding it by its legs. In the courtyard of the prison The walkers in the courtyard are attracted by the smell of the animal. Someone throws rocks at them to get their attention. They turn around, and see the roe dear lying on the floor of the courtyard. They begin to eat it. The dear is cut in half. The other half is hanging in the prison corridor, of which the door is opened. The same unidentified person comes out through another door of the prison, and opens the door leading to the courtyard with an ax. He then puts the dear's heart on the floor next to the open door, to attract more walkers towards the prison. OPENING CREDITS In the prison's yard Rick, Carol, Daryl and T-Dog are getting the cars inside the yard. Carol is inside one of them and is driving in. Rick: Alright, let's get the other cars in. We'll park 'em in the west entry of the yard. Daryl: Good. Our vehicles camped out there look like a giant "vacancy" sign! Rick: After that, we need to load up these corpses so we can burn them. T-Dog: It's gonna be a long day... Carol: Where's Glenn and Maggie? We could use some help. Daryl: Up in the guard tower. Rick: Guard tower? They were just up there last night! They all look at the top of the guard tower. Daryl: Glenn! Maggie! Glenn comes out of the tower, he has no shirt on and is buttoning his pants. Glenn: Hey! What's up guys? The others laugh at the sight of Glenn. Daryl: You comin'? Glenn: What? They keep laughing. Daryl: You comin'? Come on, we could use a hand! Glenn: Yeah, we'll be right down! Carol, Rick and Daryl walk toward the cars, still laughing, but T-Dog sees something. T-Dog: Hey Rick! Rick stops smiling immediately when he sees the two prisoners Axel and Oscar out of their cell block, walking towards them. He goes to see them. Rick: (to the others) Come with me. (to the prisoners) That's close enough. We had an agreement. Axel: Please, mister. We know that, we made a deal. (Glenn and Maggie arrive) But you gotta understand! We can't live in that place another minute, you follow me? All the bodies, people we knew! Blood, brains everywhere! There's ghosts! Daryl: Why don't you move the bodies out? T-Dog: You should be burning them. Axel: We tried! We did! Oscar: The fence is down on the far side of the prison. Every time we drag a body out, those things just line up. So hump in a body and just running back inside. Axel: Look! We had nothing to do with Thomas and Andrew, nothing! You trying to prove a point? You proved it, bro! We'll do whatever it takes to be a part of your group, just, please, please, don't make us live in that place! Rick: Our deal is not negotiable. You either live in your cell block, or you leave. Oscar: (to Axel) I told you this was a waste of time. They ain't no different than the pricks who shot up our boys. You know how many friends' corpses we had to drag out this week? Just threw 'em out like... Those were good guys! Good guys who had our backs against the really bad dudes in the joint like Thomas and Andrew. Now, we've all made mistakes to get in here, chief, and I'm not gonna pretend to be a saint, but believe me... we paid our due. Enough that we would rather hit that road, than to go back into that shithole. Rick looks at Daryl who says no with his head. At the entrance of the prison Daryl locks the prisoners outside the prison. Axel: Come on, dude! He joins T-Dog, Rick, Carol, Glenn and Maggie who are debating on what to do with the prisoners. Rick: (to T-Dog) Are you serious? You want them living in a cell next to you? They'll just be waiting for a chance to grab our weapons, you want to go back to sleeping with one eye open? T-Dog: I never stopped. Bring them into the fold. If we send them off packing, we might as well execute them ourselves. Glenn: I don't know, Axel seems a little unstable. Carol: After all we've been through? We fought so hard for all this, what if they decide to take it? Maggie: It's just been us for so long... They're strangers. I don't... it feels weird all of a sudden to have these other people around. T-Dog: You brought us in. Maggie: Yeah, but you turned up with a shot boy in your arms, didn't give us a choice. Glenn: They can't even kill walkers! Carol: They're convicts, bottom line! T-Dog: Those two might actually have less blood on their hands than we do. Daryl: I get guys like this. Hell, I grew up with them. They're degenerates, but they ain't psychos. I could have been with them just as easy as I'm out here with you guys. T-Dog: So you with me? Daryl: Hell no! Let 'em take their chances out on the road, just like we did! T-Dog: What I'm saying, Daryl... Rick: When I was a rookie, I arrested this kid. Nineteen years old, wanted for stabbing his girlfriend. The kid blubbered like a baby during the interrogation, during the trial, suckered the jury. He was acquitted due to insufficient evidence, and in 2 weeks later shot another girl. We've been through too much. Our deal with them stands. In Woodbury Michonne checks out the military vehicle that the Governor and his men took after killing all the soldiers. She sees bullet holes on the truck, traces of blood as well. The blood isn't dry yet. She climbs off the truck and walks away, when the Governor talks to her. The governor: Pretty amazing. If we had more ammo, we could cut down a whole pack of biters. I hear you and Andrea are leaving today. That's a shame, we could use a soldier like you. Michonne: You seem like you're holding your own. Even the National Guard was overran. The governor: No amout of training can prepare you for the world today. Michonne: You'd think one soldier would drive away, especially against something so slow. The governor: Those men were heroes, not the kind to leave anyone behind. If only we'd gotten here sooner, and you were with us... Michonne: Lots of bullet holes. You think biters figured out how to use weapons? The governor: (laughs) They must have encountered bandits weeks ago. It's ugly out there, but then, you know that better than anyone. Michonne: It's too bad what happened to Wells. The Governor: It is. Doctor Stevens couldn't revive him. Merle put a bullet in his brain. Michonne: And no funeral? The governor: We cremated him, quietly. These people have been through so much, I figured, thank God, at least no one knew him. Michonne: Thank God. In the prison's yard Rick, Daryl, Glenn, Maggie, T-Dog and Carol are walking in the yard, still trying to organize life in the prison. Rick: Move the cars to the upper yard. Point them facing out. They'll be out of the way but ready to go if we ever need to bail. (to T-Dog) We'll give the prisoners a week's worth of supplies for the road. T-Dog: Might not last a week. Rick: Their choice! T-Dog: Did they really have one? Rick: Hey! Hey, whose blood would you rather have on your hands? Maggie's, Glenn's, or theirs? T-Dog: Neither. The others are moving the cars to another place. Daryl takes his motorbike. Axel looks at it. Axel: Twin cylinder, is that a Triumph? Daryl: Don't even look at it. Axel: Didn't want it bored out? Sounds like it could use a tune-up, I'm pretty handy with the grind! Heads are leakin'! I know my bikes! Daryl leaves. Oscar: (to Axel) Man, will you just stop? Have some balls! Axel: Just sayin'. In the group's cell block Carl is sitting on the stairs of the cell block, finishing to build crutches for Hershel. Lori and Beth arrive. Beth and Carl exchange a smile. Carl: Alright! In Hershel and Beth's cell Carl arrives in Hershel's cell, in which Hershel is lying on the bed. He sits down with difficulty. They show him the crutches, he immediately wants to try them. Lori: Just take your time. Beth: Daddy, don't push yourself. Hershel: What else am I going to do? (he tries them) I can't stand looking at the bottom of that bunk. (it's a little hard for him at first, but Lori, Beth and Carl help him) Whoa! (he manages to walk a little) You know? I can go pretty steady. Lori: That's a good start. Want to take a rest? Hershel: Rest? Let's go for a little stroll. At Michonne and Andrea's place in Woodbury Michonne and Andrea are getting ready to leave Woodbury. Michonne: If we leave soon, we'll get a few hours on the road before dusk. Andrea: Where are we headin'? Michonne: I'm thinking the coast. We have the water completely on one side, maybe we find a boat. Best thing we can do is find an island. Andrea: And if the coast isn't safe? Michonne: Keep moving. Andrea: Let's say the coast is safe. Then what do we do? Grow old, live off the sea... by ourselves? Michonne: I'd rather take my chances out there than stay here. Andrea: Because your gut tells you there's something off about this place, about the Governor? Michonne: It's kept us alive this long. Andrea: That's true. In one of the prison's courtyard Glenn, after giving the prisoners supplies, lock them up in their old cell block. Glenn: There's enough food in there to last you guys a week. Cut you loose when we get back. Axel: Thank you, bro. Glenn: Sit tight. (he leaves) Oscar: Thank you bro? Carol gets into one of the cars. Around the prison The group is trying to clean and organize the surroundings of the prison in order to be more comfortable living there. Glenn, Rick and Daryl get out of the prison by a hole in the fence. Glenn sees a walker. Glenn: Should I take her out? Rick: No. If that armory hadn't been picked clean, we could spare the ammo. Daryl: I'll start making runs, the sooner, the better. Rick: We'll throw as much wood as we can in the dog run. Glenn: Won't the fire attract walkers? Maybe we should bury 'em. Rick: We're behind a fence. It's worth a one-time risk to get rid of the bodies for good. I don't want to be planting crops in walker-rotted soil. In the courtyard of the prison While the others are parking the cars, Beth, Carl, and Lori are helping Hershel to take a walk in the courtyard. Lori: (to Hershel, supporting him) I got you here if you need it. Beth: Just take your time on those steps. Hershel: You cleared all those bodies out? It's startin' to look like a place we could really live in. Lori: Hey, you watch your step. Last thing we need is you falling. Around the prison Daryl opens the fence for Glenn and Rick who are carrying wood inside. He sees Hershel walking. Daryl: Looky here. They throw the wood on the floor. Glenn: He is one tough son of a bitch. Alright Hershel! Daryl: Shh... Keep your cheers down. He shows the walkers behind the fence. Glenn: Oh, man, can't we just have one good day? In the courtyard of the prison Hershel is still walking with the help of the three others. Beth: You're doing great Daddy. Carl: Ready to race, Hershel? Hershel: You give me another day, I'll take you on. All the others see Hershel walking. Maggie laughs, everybody's smiling. Rick and Lori even exchange a smile. Suddenly, a herd of walkers appears behind Carl. He hears them and turns around. Carl: Walkers! Look out! Rick and the others see the walkers. Rick runs toward the courtyard but is forced to go around the fences. Rick: No! Lori shoots a walker, while Hershel tries to run away. Glenn has to close the fence before running to the courtyard too. Rick and Daryl are going as fast as they can. Rick: Get out! Get out of there! No! Lori! Maggie, Carl and T-Dog are also shooting as many walkers as they can. Rick: Carl! Come in here! Beth and Hershel are going inside the prison. Beth opens the door. Hershel has trouble walking up the stairs, when a walker arrives behind him. Beth: Daddy, behind you! Hershel pushes the walker with one of his crutches. Glenn is done closing up the fence and starts running as fast as he can towards the courtyard. The entrance of the courtyard is locked and Glenn has the key, Daryl and Rick are blocked. Daryl: The lock! Hurry up, the lock! Rick: Keys! Glenn throws Daryl the keys, who throws them to Rick. At the courtyard, the group is defending themselves against the many walkers. T-Dog: That gate is open! Maggie opens one of the doors leading to the prison. She wants to get a pregnant Lori and her son to safety. Maggie: Lori! Here! Lori closes the door behind her, Maggie and Carl, while Carol and T-Dog are still shooting walkers. Rick tries to open a gate. Rick: Come on! Maggie, Lori and Carl are walking inside the prison. They're about to go in their cell block, when Maggie sees another herd of walkers coming out of there. They go back, Maggie leading the way. Maggie: This way! She closes a door behind them, stopping the walkers from pursuing them. Rick, Daryl and Glenn arrive at the prisoners' cell block, but they're just passing by to use the gate leading to the yard. Rick: (to the prisoners) Get out of my way! Rick tries to open the gate. Daryl: Come on! Come on, come on! Back in the courtyard, T-Dog tries to close a gate to stop some walkers from coming in. A walker arrives behind him. Rick manages to open the gate. With Glenn and Daryl, he runs towards the courtyard. Axel: Hey, bro, what about us? The prisoners follow Rick. Back in the courtyard, T-Dog gets bitten. T-Dog: Aaahh! Carol: Noooo! (T-Dog punches the walker with his elbow and shoots him, but it's too late. Carol opens the door to the prison) Hurry! In Woodbury Andrea is talking to Merle. She gives him a map. Andrea: I circled where you can find that farm I was staying at with Daryl. Merle: Ah, yeah, you were right off Route 9 right before it becomes Dahlonega Highway. And you're saying that the farm is only about a day's walk from there? Andrea: Give or take. (she points at somewhere on the map) This is where we looked for Sofia, even made it up around here. Merle: How come we never hooked up? Andrea: You called me a whore, and a rugmuncher. Merle: (they both laugh) Got a way with words, don't I? Andrea: Yeah... Merle: Mmm... Why are you doing this? Andrea: I'd want the same thing if it was my family out there. Merle: Sure you don't want to come with me? You ain't curious about the old gang? Oh... Oh yeah, you really was cut loose weren't ya? Andrea: I'm sure they came back! I didn't stick around to find out. Merle: Ain't that all a big old pig sack? We got somethin' in common, blondie. We got left behind by the same people, and saved by another. Andrea: Have you ever thought about leaving this place? Merle: Never had a reason to. Andrea: So the Governor's a... a good man? Merle: Let me just put it this way. I wasn't in the best of shape when he found me. He should have just kept on going. Yeah, he's a good man. Merle leaves. In the courtyard of the prison Rick, Daryl and Glenn finally arrive in the courtyard. Glenn: Let's go! Daryl: Pull it! They open the gate and kill some walkers. Hershel and Beth are behind another closed gate. Rick: (to Beth) What the hell happened? Beth: The gate was open! Rick: Where's Lori, Carl, everyone else? Hershel: Maggie led Lori and Carl into C block! Beth: And T was bit! Rick: Anyone else? Beth: I couldn't tell. Rick: Stay put! Glenn cuts a walker's head off, while Daryl and Rick shoot some. Glenn: Those chains didn't break on their own. Someone took and ax or cutters to 'em. The two prisoners arrive at the gate. Rick looks at them. Glenn: You think they did it? Rick: Who else? Suddenly, the alarm of the prison goes off, attracting the walkers. Glenn: What's that? Daryl: Oh! You gotta be kidding me! [SCENE_BREAK] Lots of walkers arrive near the fences of the prison. Rick: Daryl! Rick starts shooting at every speaker there is in the courtyard. Glenn and Daryl do the same. Hershel: Kill it! Rick: (to Hershel and Beth, Rick is about to shoot in a speaker near them) Back up! (he runs to the prisoners and points a gun at them) How the hell can this be happening? Oscar: Whoa, whoa, whoa, it has to be the backup generators! Rick: Well how do you turn those on? Oscar: There's three that's connected to a diesel tank, okay? Each one controls a certain part of the prison. The hatch shut them all off when the prison was overrun! Rick: Can someone open up the main gates electronically, with full power? Oscar: Well, I only went in there a few days, I... I guess it might be possible. Rick: Come with us! Glenn: Let's go! They all start running to the prison. In the corridors of the prison Carol and T-Dog, who was bitten, are trying to avoid the walkers in the corridors. T-Dog has trouble running. T-Dog: There's a set of double doors that will lead to a corridor that will lead you back to your cell block! Carol: No, you should stop! T-Dog: I'm getting you there! Carol: You should stop! T-Dog: Why? Sit here, and wait to die? (he's in pain) Aah! Carol: I'll do what I have to, you're not becoming one of those things! T-Dog: I can't ask that! Carol: It's the pact, remember? T-Dog: This is God's plan... He'll take care of me, always has. He's gonna help me lead you out of these tunnels. Somewhere else in the corridors of the prison Maggie, Carl and Lori are walking in the corridors, when Lori starts to feel pain. She leans on the wall and grunts from the pain. Maggie goes to support her. Maggie: Can you keep up? Lori: Something's not right... Carl: Are you bit? Lori: No, no, no, no, no. I think the baby's coming! Carl: Mom? She is in more and more pain, when a herd of walkers arrive on one side. Carl is about to try to shoot them. Maggie: No, there's no time! They try to walk as fast as possible, with Maggie supporting Lori, in pain. Walkers arrive on the other side of the corridor. Carl sees a door. Carl: In here! They go in the room, and Carl tries to close the door, which won't close fully. In a room of the prison Lori is leaning on the wall, while Carl looks out for walkers. The walkers walk in front of the room without entering it. Lori is really in pain. Carl and Maggie look very worried. At the gates of Woodbury The Governor is playing golf on the gate, he's trying to hit the walkers. Merle comes up to talk to him. Merle: (he whistles) Pretty good! The Governor: We should visit Augusta. Take only the woman and let them play. It'll be historic. Merle: And break decades of tradition. The Governor: Absolutely. Merle: I don't know, some things are worth holding on to. You know, I was thinking of taking Tim and Martinez out on a scouting mission later on this week. The Governor: For what? Merle: Blondie. She said my brother was still alive. The Governor: Eight months ago. You can track with the best of 'em, it's like a needle in a haystack. Merle: She told me uh... where I can find that farmhouse they were hold up in. The Governor: (still playing) He could be anywhere. Merle: I know my brother. If he's out there, I'll be able to find him. The Governor: What if someone gets hurt during this search, huh? We almost had in the Crowley last time. Merle: Then I'll go on my own. The Governor: I get what you're feeling, I really do, but I can't risk it, I need you here. This whole place would fall apart without you. Merle: This is my brother. The Governor: (he stops playing to look at Merle) I'll tell you what, huh? You get more concrete information, I'll go with you myself. Alright? Merle nods, and the Governor goes back to playing. In cell block C Rick, Daryl and Glenn are looking for a way to stop the alarm, while looking for the rest of the group. Rick: Lori! Carl! Daryl, Glenn and the prisoners arrive. Daryl: We just took down five of 'em in here! Rick: There were four in here, but no sign of Lori or anyone! Glenn: They must have been pushed back into the prison! Rick: Somebody is playing games! We'll split up and look for the others. Whoever gets to the generators first, shut 'em down! Daryl: Let's go! They leave the cell block to go find the generators. In a room of the prison Lori is still in pain. Lori: What are those alarms? Maggie: Don't worry about that. Carl: What if it attracts them? Maggie: Lori, let's lay you down. Lori : No, the baby's coming now. Carl: We have to go back to our cell block to have Hershel help! Maggie: We can't risk getting caught out there, you're gonna need to give birth to this baby here. Lori: Great. Lori is panting in pain. Carl: What is she doing, can't she breathe? Maggie: She's fine. Come here, let's get your pants off. Lori: Okay... Okay... Maggie: (while helping Lori getting ready, to Carl) You're gonna need to help deliver your baby brother or sister, you up for it? Lori: (still panting) Okay... Carl: Do you know how? Maggie: Dad taught me, but trust me, it's my first time. (she tries to examinate so she can know what to do) I can't tell... Lori: I gotta push. Maggie: Okay. Lori: I gotta push, I gotta... Lori stands up to be able to push more. She starts pushing, so she's in a lot of pain. Maggie supports her. Lori: Somebody! I'm okay, I'm okay... I'm okay. Maggie: You're doing great, Lori. Just keep doing it. Your body knows what to do. Let it do all the work. ( Lori yelps ) You're doing great. ( she grunts ) Lori, stop, don't push, something's wrong! Lori screams, and when Maggie gets her hand out, it's covered in blood. In the corridors of the prison Carol is supporting T-Dog while trying to escape from the walkers. T-Dog: We're almost there. Some biters arrive on one side of the corridor, and Carol is out of bullets to shoot them. Carol wants to run the other way, but T-Dog doesn't. Carol: Go back! Oh sh1t... T-Dog: No! We're close. He runs towards the walkers, and Carol doesn't manage to stop him. He screams while pushing the walkers up against the wall behind them. Carol: No! No! T-Dog: Go! Go! Go! Go!(Carol starts running to the closest door.) Go, I'm dead! (Carol is hesitating to go, when one of the walkers bites T-Dog in the arm) I'm dead! Aahh! (the other one bites him on the neck. Carol runs away, with tears in her eyes.) In the Governor's apartment Andrea pays a visit to the Governor, before she leaves. The Governor: Sorry to see you leave. This place isn't for everybody. Andrea: Thank you for everything. The Governor: Where are you planning to go? Andrea: The coast. (they sit down) Michonne thinks it'll be safer. The Governor: What do you think? (she doesn't know what to answer) Well... her vigilance has kept you both alive. Andrea: (when he's about to pour her a glass of liquor) Uh, I haven't had hard liquor in a while, my tolerance is probably close to nil. The Governor: Well, lucky you. Merle told me you provided information about his brother's whereabouts. Andrea: What I could. It wasn't much. The Governor: Well, it's given him hope. If you ask me, I don't think he'll find him. Andrea: But he's (the Governor says the same words at the same time) gotta look. (they smile.) The Governor: What about you? Think you'll find what you're looking for? Andrea: I'm sorry? The Governor: You still got family out there? Andrea: I lost my family. My parents, my... sister. The Governor: I'm sorry. Lost my wife, car accident, eighteen months before all this. Just my daughter and me. Andrea: (raising her empty glass) To better days. He pours her a drink. They drink. Andrea: Aah... This is good. (They laugh) Truth is, I don't know what I'm looking for. For the longest time, it was all about survival, nothing else mattered. So much so, I don't know what matters now. The Governor: Pay off the car, work 50 hours a week, get married, buy a house, that was survival for me not long ago. Andrea: A lot's changed. The Governor: The scenery has, the landscape. But the way we think... Andrea: I better go, but I appreciate the drink. The Governor: Sure. Merle will see you out and he'll have your weapons waiting for you. Remember, if it gets tough out there, you're always welcome here. Andrea: That's very kind. Thank you, Governor. The Governor: Phillip. Andrea: I thought you never told anybody your name. The Governor: Someone recently told me never to say never so... (they smile) Andrea: Well... take care. The Governor: (opens the door) Goodbye. Andrea leaves, he closes the door. In the corridors of the prison Daryl, Rick and Oscar are running in the corridors, trying to find a the generators, and escape the walkers. They arrive at a door. Rick: Daryl, get the door! They enter in a room, and close the door before the walkers can get in. Rick observes the generators while Daryl and Oscar try to keep the door closed. Rick: How do you shut these down? Daryl: (to Oscar) Go help him! Oscar: I got it! (Oscar runs to look at the generators, and shows something to Rick) Right here. Suddenly, Andrew arrives behind Rick and tries to hit him with an ax. They fight with the ax for a while, until Rick tries to shoot him. His gun falls on the ground. At the door, Daryl is forced to let the door open, because the walkers are pushing it too hard, but he manages to kill two of them and close the door again. Oscar throws something at Andrew when he tries to attack Rick again. Rick gets up to see Oscar pointing the gun at him. Andrew gets up behind him. Andrew: (to Oscar) Shoot him! We can take back this prison. What you waiting for, do it! It's our house, shoot him! Oscar shoots Andrew, and gives Rick the gun. Rick shuts the generators down, the alarm stops. In a room of the prison Maggie lays Lori down on the floor. Carl: Mom? Mom, look at me, look at me, keep your eyes open! Maggie: We have to get you back to Dad. Lori: I won't make it. Maggie: Lori, with all this blood, I don't even think you're fully dilated yet, no amount of pushing is gonna help. Lori: I know what it means, and I'm not losing my baby. You've gotta cut me open. Maggie: No, I can't. Lori: You don't have a choice. Carl: I'll go for help. Lori: No! Maggie: Look, Carol's the one that practiced that, Dad only taught me the steps Lori, if I... Lori: Please... Maggie: I have no anesthetic, no equipment... Lori: Carl has a knife. Maggie: You won't survive. Lori: My baby has to survive... Please... (she's breathing heavily) My baby, for all of us... Please, Maggie! Please. (Maggie's eyes water, and she says no with her head) Please... At Michonne and Andrea's place in Woodbury Michonne: I thought we had an agreement. Andrea: We can always leave tomorrow, or the following day. Michonne: The following day? Andrea: We don't want to walk into trouble that we can't get out of. Michonne: Tell me about it. Andrea: Michonne, it is just a day or two. Michonne: I heard you... the first time. In a room of the prison Maggie looks at Lori's stomach. There's a scar. Lori: See my old C-section scar? Maggie: (starting to cry a bit) I can't. Lori: You can. You have to. Carl? Baby, I don't want you to be scared, okay? This is what I want. This is right. Now you-- you take care of your daddy for me, all right? And your little brother or sister, you take care... Carl: You don't have to do this. Lori: You're gonna be fine... You are gonna beat this world, I know you will. You are smart, and you are strong, and you are so brave! And I love you. Carl: (crying) I love you too. Lori: You gotta do what's right, baby. You promise me, you'll always do what's right. It's so easy to do the wrong thing in this world. (she starts crying) So don't... so if it feels wrong, don't do it, all right? If it feels easy don't do it. Don't let the world spoil you. You're so good! (Maggie's crying too) You're my sweet boy! The best thing I ever did! I love you! I love you. You're my sweet, sweet boy, I love you. Okay... okay, now. Okay. Maggie, when this is over, you're gonna have to... Maggie: Shh... Lori: No, you have to do it, it can't be Rick. (Maggie breathes to try to calm down, so does Lori) Alright, alright, it's alright. It's alright... (Carl gives Maggie his knife.) Goodnight, love. Maggie: I'm sorry... She cuts Lori open, who starts screaming from the pain. Carl: What are you doing to her? Lori's head falls on the ground, and her eyes close, she dies. Maggie tries to get the baby out. Maggie: Carl, give me your hands. Carl, please. Keep the site clean, okay? I cut too deep, I'm gonna cut the baby. Okay... Okay, come on, I see it, I see the ears. I'm gonna pull him out. I can't tell if this is the arm or the leg. Okay, I'm gonna pull the baby out. Carl: Okay. Okay. Maggie pulls the baby out, Carl looks at it while crying. The baby doesn't move or scream. Maggie tries to tap him to revive him. Finally, it works, the baby starts crying. Carl gives Maggie his vest, to put on the baby. Maggie: We have to go. Carl: Well, we can't just leave her here, she'll turn. Maggie tries to get her gun out while holding the baby. Carl: No... (he shows Maggie his gun) Maggie: Carl... Carl: She's my mom. Maggie leaves with the baby, Carl looks at his mom's body. He remembers a moment he passed with Rick. Flashback: Rick and Carl are sitting on the balcony of the barn at the Greene's farm. Rick: No more kids stuff. People are gonna die. I'm gonna die, mom. There's no way you can ever be ready for it. Now: Carl gets on his knees next to Lori, he cries. He hugs her one last time. Maggie opens the door, and sees walkers in the corridor, so she goes back in. She hears a gun shot. In the corridors of the prison Rick, Daryl and Oscar are joined by Glenn and Axel. Together, they walk carefully in the corridors. They see two walkers eating a human body on the floor, it's T-Dog. Daryl picks up a scarf on the floor, it's Carol's. They're speechless. In the prison's courtyard They get out of the prison into the courtyard. Rick: Hershel! Hershel: You didn't find 'em? Glenn: We thought maybe they came back out here. Hershel: What about T, Carol? Daryl: They didn't make it. Glenn: That doesn't mean the others didn't. We're going back! Daryl and Glenn, you come with me... They hear the baby cry. Rick turns around. Maggie opens the gate and enters in the courtyard with Carl and the baby. She's crying, unable to say a word. Rick moves towards them, dropping his weapons, he starts to understand. Rick: Where is... where is she? He tries to go back in the prison, but Maggie stops him. Maggie: No, Rick, don't! He starts crying, and looks at Carl. Rick: Oh no.... No! No! Glenn tries to comfort Maggie by holding her, but she keeps crying. Rick: Aahh! No... (he lets himself fall on the ground, and cries).	Plan: A: the prison's alarms; Q: What goes off as Hershel recovers? A: overwhelm Rick's group; Q: What do the walkers do when the prison alarms go off? A: Rick; Q: Who kills Andrew? A: T-Dog; Q: Who sacrifices himself to protect Carol? A: Axel; Q: Along with Oscar, who helps Rick shut down the prison alarms? A: the walkers; Q: Who is lured by the sound of the alarms? A: the prison fence; Q: What breach did Andrew cause to allow the walkers into the prison? A: Carl; Q: Who shoots Lori to prevent reanimation? A: a boiler room; Q: Where do Lori, Carl, and Maggie secure themselves in? A: labor; Q: What is Lori going through when she is trapped in the boiler room? A: a Caesarean section; Q: What is Maggie forced to perform to deliver her daughter? A: Lori's death; Q: What is Rick devastated to discover? Summary: As Hershel recovers, the prison's alarms go off, and walkers, lured by the sound, overwhelm Rick's group, and they are forced to scatter within the prison, while T-Dog sacrifices himself to protect Carol . Rick, aided by surviving prisoners Oscar and Axel in shutting down the alarms, discovers the walkers were lured through a breach in the prison fence by Andrew, and kills him. Lori, Carl, and Maggie secure themselves in a boiler room as Lori goes into labor. Maggie is forced to perform a Caesarean section to deliver her daughter which is fatal to Lori, and Carl shoots her to prevent reanimation. As the survivors regroup, Rick is devastated to discover Lori's death.
Ted from 2030: Kids, in the spring of 2008 something kind of strange have been happening to your uncle Barney. He's been doing great with a woman. At the Bar Barney: So I threw the pressure air oxygen into its mouth. I shoot the tank, boo, nomore shark. Mr. Hall and I swam back to shore. Hey,let me serve you a drink. Ted from 2030: He's only been gone a few moments but when he return... Barney: So where were we? Ted from 2030:...he gets slap! It kept happening... (The woman slaps him.) Woman: Jerk! [FLASHBACK] A woman slaps Barney, at a pet shop, then at the museum, and at the hardware store. [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted from 2030: Until finally Lily was approached by a mysterious woman who wants her stay away from Barney...so when it happened once more... Barney: Again? Really? Wait... Ted from 2030: Barney knew who to look for... Barney: Hey, excuse me. Did I sleep with you and then totally screw you over? Woman: No. Barney: What are you doing on Friday? (He runs after another woman, who just climbed into a cab.) Barney: Stop! Amy? Abby: Abby. Barney: Riiiggghhhttt!!! [OPENING CREDITS] Ted from 2030: Kids, sometimes you can do something right a thousand times in a row... In Lily's class Lily: A rainbow! That's beautiful! What a beautiful rainbow! Another rainbow? It's beautiful! Ted from 2030: But then, that thousand-and-first time... Lily: You're kidding me. Seriously, aren't you sick of these things? At the appartment Ted: Hey, how was your day? Lily: Today, I yelled at a little girl for painting a rainbow. Ted: A rainbow? Sounds like that bitch had it coming. (Marshall arrives) Marshall: So, uh, I just met with the contractor. and it turns out, that fixing the floors of the new apartment is going to cost a lot more than the estimate. Lily: But we can barely afford that to begin with. Marshall: I hate to say this, but I think you're going to have to sell your stuff. Lily: Whoa! Marshall, that's just a game we play in the bedroom. Marshall: I mean your clothes. All those designer pieces and everything. Lily: What? Why just my clothes? Marshall: We can sell my stuff, too, but I got to tell you, I think your Marc Jacobs cocktail dress is going to go for a lot more than my "Split Happens" bowling shirt. Ted: Dude. Marshall: I'm not selling that. I've already made the Website. Lily: You made a Website? Marshall: Yeah, it's called "Lily-and-Marshall-sell- their-stuff-dot-com." Lily: No, you know what would be a better name for the site? Guy-forces-his-wife- to-dress-in-a-garbage-bag- for-the-next- three-years-dot-com. That's real. Marshall: I'm worried. That woman is actually wearing a-a garbage bag. Lily: Hmm, but, girlfriend, you cannot pull off a tall kitchen. In the cab Barney: Why are you trying to ruin my life? Abby: Well, you slept with me and then you never called me again. Barney: And? Abby: That's it. Barney: That's it? As far as I'm concerned, if I leave you safe on dry land with adequate transportation home, you've got nothing to complain about. Abby: Well, it hurt, okay? And then Ted, the love of my life started dating my boss instead of me. Do you know how that feels? Barney: Oh, boo-hoo, poor little Ashley. Abby: Abby! Barney: Abby. A few weeks ago, Ted dumped me as his wingman. You had a crush on him for a couple weeks? I was Ted's best friend for seven years. Abby: Ted said Marshall was his best friend. Barney: Seven years! Abby: Sorry. Barney: Ted. What an idiot. With his stupid "meaningful relationship" with Stella. Abby: I hate Ted. Barney: I hate Ted more. Abby: Are you as turned on as I am? Barney: Probably not quite as much. (Later, they are both in bed...) Abby: I'm sorry I yelled out "Ted." Barney: I'm sorry I yelled out "Abby." Abby: I am Abby. Barney: Oh, cool. At the apartment Ted: This is insane. Has Lily even worn half this stuff? Robin: Oh, yeah, like there's nothing in your closet you've never worn? Ted: As a matter of fact, no, there isn't. Robin: Whatever, red cowboy boots. Ted: Those are nice boots. I totally pull those off. Marshall: Hey, Lil, if I were to say "Ted could never pull them off," What would I be talking about? Robin: His red cowboy boots. Ted: I totally pull them off! It's a classic Western look. Marshall: Oh, okay, uh, today's category: classic Westerns that involve red cowboy boots. Ooh, ooh! Robin. Robin: "The Good, the Bad, and the Fabulous." Lily: "The Magnificent Kevin." Marshall: "No Country for Straight Men." Lily: I don't want to sell my clothes! Robin: Oh, I know, sweetie. Come here. Is this a hundred percent silk? Marshall: Lily,listen, we really need the money. I have some leads on a job, but until then, I just... I don't know what else we can do. Lily: I'll sell my paintings! Marshall: What? Lily: Yeah, I'll sell my paintings. Good oil paintings go for like, $500. Marshall: Yeah. Totally. But... Ted from 2030: Kids, sometimes you can do something right a thousand times in a row... [FLASHBACK] Lily shows her paintings to Marshall) Marshall: I love it. It's a masterpiece. That's it. We're selling the TV. I just want to come home and stare at this all day. Aw. Somebody call the cops! My wife stole an awesome painting from the museum! [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted from 2030: But then, that thousand-and-first time... Marshall:...that kind of money only goes for real paintings. Lily: What does that mean? Marshall: Look, it just, it just means that-that we need money right now and I'm not sure that selling your paintings is-is how we're going to get it. Lily: You don't believe in me. Marshall: No, wait, wait! Of c... of course I believe in you! Lily: Marshall, I am proud of my work as an artist. My paintings are good. I bet Robin would buy one. What now? Marshall: I love your painting, I just... I'm trying to be realistic. Lily: Well, how much money do we need for the contractor to finish the job? Marshall: About 1,500 bucks. Lily: Okay. So, if I can sell three of my paintings at 500 bucks a pop, then I get to keep all my clothes. Marshall: Babe, we need money fast. Lily: Well, give me a week. Marshall: Okay, a-a week. Lily: Fine. Marshall: Fine. (Ted comes out of his room, with the red boots on.) Ted: Pulling... Them... Off. Ted from 2030: Lily's first move on a great art challenge of 2008 was to display one of her favorite paintings at her friend's gallery. The night didn't go so well. But then at the last minute... Woman: I love it. Lily: You do? Woman: Yeah, your top. It's gorgeous. Is that 100% silk? Lily: It's not for sale! My clothes are not for sale! Ted from 2030: So the next day, Lily took her painting to a coffee house that displayed local artists. Lily: We've been sitting here for hours and nobody's even glanced at my painting. Come on. Let's start talking it up. Robin: Wow! I really like that painting! It's neat! The-the colors are neat. The-the shapes are neat. It's really just... neat. What? Ted: Observe. I think there's a dynamic quality to the brushwork that, combined with the fluid composition, creates an almost Kandinsky-like emotional resonance. Robin: Yes, and you can still enjoy it even if you're not a pretentious douche. Ted: Can you clarify something for me about your critique? Are the colors "neat" or are they more "neato burrito?" Robin: Uh, then again, red cowboy boots. Ted: I pull these off! (Everyone is laughing at him) I pull these off! In bed... Abby: You know what I hate most about Ted? Barney: What? Abby: His stupid hair. His stupid, lame awesome hair. It's so stupid and awesome. Barney: You know what I hate most about Ted? Abby: What? Barney: How he's always like, "Oh, I want to fall in love and have a relationship. I care about the people I have sx with." He's so lame. Abby: He's so lame and awesome. Barney: You know what he needs? He needs to see just how horrible he is when he's in a relationship. Abby: Yeah, and I need to show Ted that I'm over him. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Barney: I think so. Abby: You're thinking of having sx with Ted? Ted from 2030: After four days without selling a single painting, Lily was getting desperate. In the street Lily: Painting for sale! $500! Lifelong dream hanging in the balance! It's like they don't even see us. Man: Yeah, we're dirt to them. What do you need money for? Lily: Oh, I'm trying to fix the hardwood floors in my new apartment. You? Man: Heroin. Lily: Do you like heroin? Man: Love it. In fact, if you sell that, I'm going to take your money and go buy some more heroin. Lily: Thanks for your honesty, Crazy Sock Guy. Oh, I'm never gonna sell this... Man: It's not very good. Ted from 2030: And just as she was about to lose all hope, something amazing happened. Man: 2 Oh, my God! At the Bar (Lily arrives) Lily: 500 bucks! Who's a real painter now, Marshall? Marshall: Honey, I never said you weren't a real painter. Lily: Oh, I know, sweetie. And since I'm a professional artist now, I'm going to sketch you an Aldrin original, you know, to say thanks for being such a supportive husband. I'm thinking about calling it... "Suck It!" Marshall: Lily, come on. I'm proud of you. Who-who bought it? Lily: Well, that's the best part. A gay couple without kids. A G-CWOK! Ted: You bagged a G-CWOK?! Lily: Yeah, that's right. They are the heart and soul of the art-buying community. Ted: You know what you should do? You should call up the G-CWOKs and offer them a free painting if they throw a private art party for all their G-CWOK friends. Lily: That's an amazing idea. I'm going to go call them. I can probably sell two more paintings with time to spare. Oh, wait, Marshall. There was something I had to tell you. What was it? Oh, that's right. Suck it. [SCENE_BREAK] (Barney and Abby arrives as Lily is leaving) Barney: Ted, fancy bumping into you here. Have you guys met my girlfriend Abby? Ted: Uh, yeah. Barney: Hi, Abby. Ted: Hello, Abby. So, uh, s-so you guys are dating now? Barney: That's right. I am done with this whole being awesome thing. Now I'm all about farmers' markets and day hikes in matching khaki cargo shorts. Isn't that right, sweetie? Abby: That's right. And girlfriends are lame. Unless they're me. I miss you, Ted. Barney: Abby and I are in love. Not hot passionate love. Couple love. You know, movie night with my girlfriend, then waiting for her to go to bed so I can steal one pitiful moment of hollow ecstasy by the cold, blue light of my computer monitor. Abby: We're showing Ted how lame he is. Barney: You don't have to say it, though. Ted: Uh, okay, Barney, you can stop. Barney: Stop what, Ted? Stop being in love? Next he'll ask us to stop breathing. Abby: We can't stop breathing, Ted. Your hair looks amazing. Ted: Um, Barney, I, I see what you're doing. Please stop. Barney: Not before I share with you what being in a relationship leads to, Ted. Abby, Pookie Bear... I am so pathetically desperate for you that... aw, heck, I'll just say it. Would you marry me? Abby: Wait, really? Barney: I would never joke about true love. Abby: Yes, I'll marry you. Barney: Okay. Abby: Thank you, thank you. I have to call my mom. Barney: That's you. Ted: Uh, yeah, I don't think Abby knows you're kidding. Barney: Uh, yes, she does. Abby: It finally happened, Mama. I just wish Daddy were alive to walk me down the aisle. Barney: Totally committed to the bit. Lily's on the phone Lily: Yes, Lily Aldrin. I sold you the painting earlier today. Man 2: Oh, honey, hello. Lily: You sound happy. Man 2: Are you kidding? We're popping the champagne right now. Lily: Well, I just wanted to offer you an exclusive chance to view some of my other paintings. Man 2: Oh, honey, oh, sweetie, oh, I guess I should have told you. We just bought that for the frame. Lily: What? Man 2: Yeah, it's an original Anton Kreutzer, a very rare frame from the turn of the century. Lily: So... y-you didn't like my painting? Man 2: Oh, honey, oh, sweetie, no, not at all. But you know, good for you. Lily: Okay. Well, if you didn't want the painting, can I... can I at least get it back? Man 2: Yeah, no, we don't have it anymore. Lily: Where is it? I see. H-He threw out my painting. Man 2: Champagne for everyone on me, the happiest guy in the world. At the apartment Lily: This is great. My dream of becoming an artist is dead, and now I'm watching my wardrobe disappear piece by piece. There goes my favorite dress. This dress meant a lot to me. Robin: Really? Lily: Yeah. It was spring of 2004 and I had been having a hard few months. [FLSHBACK] Lily is walking up the street, a man looks at her. Man: Da-amn. [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: I got a two-syllable "damn" in this dress. Robin: A two-syllable "damn." That's the dream. Lily: Yeah. Now she belongs to... CanadaGirl(a)MetroNewsOne.com. Robin: It's still in the family. (Marshall and Ted arrive) Marshall: Lily, you're not going to believe this. Something amazing happened. Lily: What? Marshall: I went to the G-CWOK's apartment. Lily: Really? Why? Marshall: Because I felt guilty. This auction was my idea and now you've had to sit around all day while a bunch of vultures ruthlessly pick apart the carcass of your wardrobe. Robin: It's still in the family. Marshall: And more importantly, I honestly love that painting and I couldn't stand to think of it in a trashcan someplace. Lily: Well, what happened? [FLASHBACK] Marshall and Ted arrive at the G-CWOK's apartment. Man 2: Well, hello. Marshall: Hi, um... Lawrence. I-I'm here about the painting my wife Lily solyou-- the one in the nice frame. Lawrence: Talk about a nice frame. My, my, you are a big one, aren't you? And you're married to that little bit of a thing. How does that work? I'd like to find out. [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: Yeah, we get it. Gay guys like you. Marshall: No, Lily, they love me, but that's not the important part. Ted: Here's the important part. [FLASHBACK] Ted: Since you're clearly a man of impeccable taste and style, I-I came down here to ask you: what do you think of the boots? Lawrence: Walter. Boots. Walter: Pulling... Them.... Off. Ted: I'll be in the cab. [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: G-CWOK-approved. Lily: The painting! Marshall: Right, so, um, they told me they threw it in the building's Dumpster. [FLASHBACK] Marshall: It wasn't in there, but the super told me that he'd seen one Dr. Greer-- a veterinarian who works in the building-- take the painting out of the trash. [END OF FLASHBACK] Lily: Dr. Greer? Who's Dr. Greer a-and why did he take my painting? Marshall: You're about to find out. At the vet Dr Greer: I had to make a trash run. Been a busy day-- lots of neuterings. Lily: Ooh, we don't need the details. Dr Greer: Oh, n-n-no, it's not what you think. Oh, thank God. Yeah, yeah, yeah, mostly just dog testicles. [FLASHBACK] Dr Greer: Anyway... I noticed your painting just sitting right there on top and I thought, "Hey,free painting," so I brought it upstairs and hung it up in Exam Room 3, and then the strangest thing happened. Hey, Muffin. Whoa, I think he remembers me from the last time he was here. Take Muffin to Exam Room 3. I'll meet you there. I went in, expecting the worst. I'd never seen Muffin that calm, and then a little later the same thing happened again with Tidbit... and King Larry... and again with the Weinstein triplets. [END OF FLASHBACK] Dr Greer: Something about your art speaks to the canine sensibility on a very primal level. Lily: Really? Dogs like my paintings? Dr Greer: Yeah. But you know who it bums out? Birds. Yeah. Had a parrot in there today. He took one look at it, pried open his cage, flew right into the ceiling fan. Marshall: Anyway, because your first painting worked so well, I convinced Dr. Greer to buy four more. Lily: Really? Marshall: Mm-hmm, at $500 a piece. Lily: That's two grand. That's more than we need for the contractor. Marshall: Yeah, but I was actually thinking we could reinvest it. Lily: In what? Marshall: In you. At the apartment Ted from 2030: Marshall explained that he was building a fancy new Web site specifically to sell Lily's artwork to veterinarians. Lily: Well, it's not exactly the clientele I had in mind, but... thank you for believing in me. (They kiss; a bird crashes into their window) Marshall: Man, birds do not get you. At Abby's Abby: Hi, sweetie. Barney: Hey, I think I left my tie here. Have you seen it? Abby: No, I'm in wedding-planning mode. Stressville. Population: me. Okay, big decision. What do you think the cake should be: Fudgie the Whale or Cookie Puss? Barney: Yeah, that was a bit. We were doing a bit. Abby: So I'm thinking Labor Day. I was going to say Fourth of July, but I don't want to steal any attention away from America. Barney: Abby, I've... I've got some bad news. I can't marry you. Abby: What? Barney: Ted begged me not to. I think he's in love with you. Abby: Really? Barney: Yes, our plan worked better than we ever dreamed. You have to go to him. Here's his home address. But you know what? He works late, so I wouldn't go before 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning. Abby: Oh, my God, thank you. But now I feel wrong keeping this. Barney: Oh, yeah, I wouldn't worry about that. That's made of candy. Later. Marshall: Hey, go to lilyandmarshallselltheirstuff.com or charityfolks.com. Lily: We're having an auction to rise money for the children's hospital of Los Angeles Marshall: You could get tons of cool stuff on the sell and they all use for great cause. Lily & Marshall: Thanks.	Plan: A: one; Q: How many things do Barney and Abby have in common? A: Ted - the "couple; Q: Who do Barney and Abby hate? A: the bar; Q: Where do Barney and Abby go to flaunt their new relationship in Ted's face? Summary: When Barney and Abby realize that they have one thing in common - their mutual hatred of Ted - the "couple" decides to go to the bar to flaunt their new relationship in Ted's face.
[Scene: P3. Prue and Phoebe are sitting at a table.] Phoebe: This place couldn't be more dead if I was embalmed. Prue: Yeah, I think that we're gonna have to take that offer. Phoebe: What's this guy's name again? Prue: Chris Barker. Phoebe: And he's not a loan shark or anything, is he? Prue: No. He's a collector, an investor. And it's a no-interest loan that we can pay back any time. Trust me, he's not gonna miss the money. Phoebe: Mmm. Must be nice. When do we tell Piper? Prue: Not until the club is in the black. (Piper comes up to them.) Piper: So, you guys, you do like the name of the club, right? P3. Little nod to the Power of Three, to us, partners. Phoebe: Yeah, it's very clever. Uh, Piper, it's a little, uh, quiet in here. Don't you think? Piper: It'll pick up once word of mouth kicks in. Phoebe: And when will that be, exactly? Piper: Well, you can't predict these things exactly. It's not like starting a restaurant. Besides the bank's not gonna call the loan. It's not like we're gonna lose the house. (She leaves.) Phoebe: Who said anything about losing house? We're not gonna lose the house, are we? Prue: No, because we're gonna take that offer and trust Piper to this place with people. Phoebe: What people? Where is everybody? [Scene: Another club. Dishwalla is playing there. You see Leo walking around.] [Cut to a room out the back.] Girl: So, you, like, produce their records or what? Jeff: No, no, nothing that creative. I'm their new manager. I take care of things, whatever needs to be done, I do. Girl: Man, I can't believe this. This is like the most unbelievable thing that has ever happened to me. Jeff: Ah, the night's young. Girl: I can't believe you picked me. Jeff: Well, you seemed like a good ... soul. Plus, you said the magic words. You said you'd do anything, remember? Girl: Yes, yes. I do. Jeff: All right, just wait inside. The band should be down any minute. Girl: Thank you, thank you so much. Jeff: Don't thank me yet. (She walks in some room.) Girl: Hello? Is somebody there? Hello? (Masselin appears and she screams. The manager walks in.) Jeff: Okay, that's it. No more. I can't keep doing this. It's got to stop. Masselin: We have a pact, you get what you want and I get what I want. Opening Credits [Scene: KJCH-FM.] DJ: Good morning, San Francisco. This is Ralph Garmend and that was Dishwalla's hit counting Blue Car's. Dishwalla and their manager, Jeff Carlton, are my in studio guests this morning talking about club dates and we'll let you know when you can see them. Jeff: Excuse me. (Leo shows up.) Jerk. (to Leo) You know where the bathroom is? Leo: Yeah, it's, uh, right over ... (Leo pushes him up against the wall.) Jeff: Hey what is this? Leo: An intervention. (He blows magic dust all over Jeff.) [Scene: P3. Piper's looking at the expenditures ... pretty bad ... more than -$20,000) Piper: This is bad. (Jenny walks in.) Jenny: You should keep that door locked, you know? Anyone could just walk in. Piper: Jenny? What are you doing here? Jenny: Am I breaking the law, right now? Being underage and all? Piper: No, we're not open. Actually, I don't know. Uh, what's your point, Jenny? Jenny: If you were open for business and I was here, would you have me arrested? Because I think friendship counts for something. Even though we're not really friends yet, but at least we're neighbors and neighbors do favors for each other, right? Piper: What kind of favors? Jenny: I need a ticket to the show Piper: What show? Jenny: It's all over the radio. I have to see them. If I don't, I'll die Piper: Not a clue what you're talking about (Jeff walks in.) Jeff: She's talking about passion. Piper Halliwell? Piper: Yeah. Can I help you with something? Jeff: Jeff Carlton. And I have to tell you when I heard about P-cubed, it was if the fate had smiles upon me. Piper: P three. Jeff: Whatever. I manage Dishwalla. Piper: Dishwalla? The Dishwalla? Jeff: I've been looking for the right place, something small, new intimate. The boys want the reacquaint themselves with the personal side of performing. They want to connect again. And I think your little hole in the wall here, is just what the doctor ordered. Piper: Dishwalla wants to play my little hole in the wall? Jeff: I want them to. Don't you? Piper: Uh... yeah. Jeff: Let's cross some T's and dot some I's. (He hands her the contract, I think.) Jenny: Uh, Mr. Carlton, sir? Do you think it will be possible for me to meet the band? I'd do almost anything. Jeff: Be careful what you wish for, sweet heart. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Prue's on the phone with Barker.) Barker: Prue, don't fell awkward. Prue: Well, it's a big deal. Barker: I know. Starting a business with that bank loan breathing down your neck can make things kind of scary. Prue: Yeah. On top of your loan. Barker: Hey, Listen. I have no doubt I'll be seeing my money again after your sister gets her club off the ground. Prue: And the terms are still the same? Barker: Absolutely. No interest. Prue: Uh, no, we'll, we'll pay you interest. Barker: Ok, fine. A quarter percent whatever. Now, speaking of getting off the ground, the plane trip to Paris is still open for discussion, isn't it? Prue: Mr. Barker ... Barker: I mean, come on ... hasn't that rain check burned a hole in your pocket by now? Prue: Look, I really appreciate your offer ... Barker: It's not an offer, Prue, it's a dinner request Prue: In Paris? Barker: You know what they call French bread in France? Prue: Bread. Barker: Exactly. Dinner in Paris is where it all begins. Prue: Okay, you know, why don't we just start with your loan, followed with us paying you back as soon as possible? Barker: Oh, you're a hard bargainer. Prue: So are you. Barker: Oh, I haven't even begun to fight. Prue: Uh huh. Barker: Paris? Prue: Stop it. Barker: Never. I'll see you at the club, with the money. Prue: Okay, bye (She hangs up the phone.) Prue: (to Phoebe) Well, it's all set. Mr. Barker's gonna meet us at the club, hand over the cheque and that'll be that. Phoebe: We're doing the right thing, aren't we? Prue: Well, we're helping out our sister. That's always the right thing, right? (Piper walks in the kitchen.) Piper: (excited) Guess what I did? Guess what I did? All by myself? Phoebe: What? Piper: You ready? Phoebe: What? Piper: Get this... Dish...walla... my club... playing there... tonight. Prue: What? Piper: I networked. Sent out feelers, sent off press releases and wouldn't you know it. Dishwalla decided to put P3 on their schedule. How's about that? P3 has officially been validated as the place to be. We're on the map (then, she hugs her sisters) I couldn't have done it without you, you patient (she kisses Prue) most generous (kisses Phoebe) sisters in the whole wide world. (Doorbells rings.) I'll get it. (She answers the door.) Leo... this day just keeping getting better. Hi. Leo: Hi, uh, Piper, we have to talk. Piper: Yeah...okay, uh... are you free tonight? Better be, cause you're my date. We have backstage passes, all access, baby, to see Dishwalla at P3. I made it happen. Leo: Uh, no, actually, I made it happen. Piper: What? (Prue and Phoebe walk in.) Leo: Yeah, look, I want to tell you sooner, but I didn't have time. I had to move fast. There's a demon involved. Piper: A demon? Leo: Yeah, he'll be at your club, tonight. Piper: But, no, their manager, Jeff Carlton, came to me and-and booked them himself. Leo: I know. I cast a spell on him Piper: You what? Leo: I sort of cribbed it from one of the other witches I look after. I suggested to Carlton that he get Dishwalla into your club Prue: Why didn't you just come to us? Piper: Because he knows I would have been pissed off. What are you doing? Leo: My job. Piper: Your job? What are we, like, Leo's witches now? We're supposed to kill a demon during sold-out concert? Are you nuts? Phoebe: Piper... Piper: No, Leo. Anywhere else but not there... not my place. (He just looks at her.) Leo: The band's manager made a bargain with Masselin. Prue: That's the demon? Leo: Yeah. In exchange for human sacrifice, Masselin will make Carlton rich and powerful by attracting successful bands to him. Phoebe: Are you telling me that Dishwalla is hooked up with a demon? Leo: No, they don't know anything about the demon. Prue: So, these innocent ... what happens to them? Leo: They're devoured by Masselin. Consumed for their souls. Phoebe: Eww! Leo: The more souls Masselin collects, more successful Carlton becomes. You can't destroy the demon without first freeing those trapped within him. Piper: All this freeing and destroying, is this in between sets or during the encore? Leo: Look, I know you're upset. Piper: No...no... I skated past upset just after you came in the door. Right now, I'm at furious. Leo: We have to talk. Piper: You bet your white-lighter ass, we do. Leo: Later. I have to go. (He orbs out.) Phoebe: See, now this is exactly why you should never date a co-worker. It was a joke. Oh, honey, I'm sorry. Piper: How could he do this? Phoebe: Well, it sounds like he didn't have a choice and quiet frankly, I don't think we do either. Prue: Well, I have to get to the office and call this investor. (to Phoebe) Barker... gotta talk to Barker. [Scene: Outside some club. People are putting the band's instruments in a truck. Inspector Morris is there talking to Jeff.] Darryl: It's Tina Hitchens. She's been missing since last night when she came to this club. Jeff: (to some guy) Yo... the address is on the front seat. P3! Darryl: You're playing P3? Piper Halliwell's place? Jeff: Yeah, so I don't have a lot of time. Darryl: Oh, you've got time for this. (He shows Jeff a picture of Tina.) Jeff: I answered your question. Darryl: I didn't ask one. Jeff: You asked me if I saw Tina whoever. Darryl: I don't believe I did. Did you? Jeff: What? Darryl: See her? Jeff: I didn't see anybody, inspector. Darryl: Look again. Jeff: Listen.. you have any idea how many girls like that show up to something like this? Hundreds of them. Thousands. And they all look the same. Short skirt, tight tops. Like sexy little peas in a pod. Darryl: So what difference does it make if one of them disappears?! Jeff: I didn't say that. Darryl: You didn't have to. Jeff: Why aren't you out hassling her boyfriend? Darryl: Did that already. Now, I'm hassling you. Jeff: I haven't seen her. What's with the Gestapo routine? Darryl: It tends to follow the acting like a suspect routine. Jeff: Am I under arrest? Darryl: Not yet. Melanie Jenkins? (He shows Jeff a picture of Melanie.) Jeff: No. Darryl: Brittany Tyler? (Shows him a picture.) Jeff: None of them. Never saw them Darryl: They all disappeared from clubs all around the country. Clubs that your band played in. That doesn't concern you? Jeff: Not in the slightest. If we're done here, see ya around. (Jeff leaves.) Darryl: Count on it [Scene: Manor. Attic. They've found Masselin in the Book Of Shadows.] Piper: There's Leo's problem. Phoebe: It's our problem. Piper: You want to know what the real problem is? Phoebe: Oh, do tell. Piper: Never mind. Phoebe: Thank you. Piper: So, how do we vanquish this creep? Phoebe: Let's find out. Shall we? Piper: And what was with that attitude? Phoebe: What attitude? Piper: Leo... it was like he was angry that I was angry. I have right to be angry, don't I? I don't want talk about it? Phoebe: Then don't. Piper: Whoa. Phoebe: What? Piper: Look at Masselin's victims. Phoebe: Yeah... (reading the book of shadows) "Trapped within the demon. The unfortunates one kept alive, their souls tortured for the pleasure he gets from their suffering" (to Piper) We got to get them out of there. Piper: With what? Demonic Ipecac? Phoebe: Actually, yeah. That seems to be the idea (reading again) "The demons seeks willing, trusting souls, delivered by the one who sealed the pact" Piper: The manager. Phoebe: So we have to get close to Carlton. Piper: Well, I'm already close. And as far as we know, I'm a willing, trusting soul... a sucker. Someone who falls for a quick line from a pretty face. Phoebe: Will you please stop that? Piper: You're right. Fine. Leo is the least of my worries. Phoebe: Right. We'll worry about that tomorrow. Piper: I don't think I can wait that long. Phoebe: You're gonna have to. Because tonight we have some major demon-ass-kicking to do. [Scene: Some club. In a room. Masselin appears.] JEFF: Cops are asking me questions. And you know what? They're not gonna catch you, no, sir. They're gonna catch me. All right, okay! I'm out. I'm done with it. No more souls. The pact, the agreement is now officially null and void. (Masselin sets Jeff on fire. Jeff starts screaming in pain. Masselin stops the fire.) MASSELIN: You will honor your agreement, Mr. Carlton. You'll bring me more souls. JEFF: Okay, okay. [Scene: Bucklands. Prue's office. Chris Barker is there.] BARKER: So, what you're telling me is that you no longer need a white-knight to rescue you and your sisters from debt. Prue: No! BARKER: But we have a deal. Prue: Well, what we had was an agreement to make a deal and I no longer agree. BARKER: I see. This wouldn't have anything to do with a certain band choosing to play at P3 tonight, would it? Word travels fast. Prue: Yeah, well, Piper pulled us out of the fire. BARKER: Yes, in a doing so, revealed to me quite a diamond in the rough. Prue: Meaning what? BARKER: Well, meaning, I understand you're showing me the door, but I think I rather like this party. I think your sister's little venture is on its way to great success. Which is why I've already gone to your bank and made an offer to pick up your loan. Prue: You didn't? BARKER: Did! Prue: Ok, Mr. Barker... we have a relationship... BARKER: Yes and you've brought so many valuable items into my field of view. I just have this feeling that you sister's club is gonna be the best one yet. Could you put me on the guest list for tonight? Me plus one. I'd like to see what I'm buying. Prue: Ok, I am asking, nicely, for your own sake, not to go through with this. BARKER: Is that a threat, Ms. Halliwell? Be careful. You could be jeopardizing a very profitable relationship. 2 passes. I'd like a booth, too, close to the stage. [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper and Phoebe are making a potion.] Piper: How is this gonna work? Phoebe: We're just slip Masselin a little extra-strength antacid. And if the Book of Shadows is right, the should disappear like a demonic gas bubble, freeing his victims, leaving them safe and sound Piper: Phoebe, we can't even give our cat a vitamin. How are we gonna get this down a demon's throat? Phoebe: In this? (She holds up a balloon.) Piper: What is that? Phoebe: It's a balloon. Piper: Okay, where is it? Phoebe: Where is what? Piper: The spoonful of sugar big enough to hide that thing? Phoebe: You're looking at her Piper: Excuse me? Phoebe: Well, the only way to get to Masselin, is through Carlton, right? So all I'll have to do is get close to Carlton, pretend I'm some choice tidbit. Then we get Masselin to swallow this. Piper: Right before he swallows you, Phoebe. No, it's too dangerous. Phoebe: Well, unless you have a better idea, it's our only choice. You and Prue will back me up. I'll be fine. Piper: I hate him. (Piper puts something in the blender.) Phoebe: Of course you hate him. He's a demon. Wait, we are talking about the demon, right? Piper: He didn't even have the decency to ask me first. He at least could have discussed it with me. Phoebe: Oh, Leo! Piper: I mean, can you believe him? He acted as if we've never has a relationship before. Like it was just business. (She turns on the blender without putting the lid on. Food flies everywhere.) Oh! Oh! Phoebe: Got to put the lid on, honey! Piper: And I saw the future too, you know. Leo and I get married. A marriage in the future imply some sort of relationship in the present ... the question is: where's the relationship Phoebe: Somewhere between confusing and complicated? Just talk to him, honey? It'll be okay. Piper: I'd rather just freeze him and kick him in the ... (doorbell rings) That better not be him. Phoebe: In the shins? Piper: Not exactly. (Piper answers the door.) DAN: Piper? Piper: Dan, hi. DAN: Can I talk to you for a second? Piper: Sure! What's up? DAN: Jenny... Did you tell her she could go see Dishwalla tonight? Piper: No, no! She can't go! DAN: She said you said it was all right. Piper: Well, I didn't exactly tell her it wasn't. But the things were happening kind of fast. DAN: Well, she's in her room right now, picking out her clothes. Piper: Oh God! Okay... I'll go talk to her. (As she opens the door, she sees Leo.) Leo: Hi. Piper: Hello! Leo: Listen, I was hoping that we could uh... talk Piper: Sure... Leo this is... Leo: Dan Gordon! Piper: Wait. You know him? Leo: What? Are you kidding? He used to play second base for the Mariners. Ha had an all-star season going till he blew out his knee sliding into home. I still think you were safe. DAN: So do I. Leo: I'm Leo. DAN: Nice meeting you. Piper: No, it's not. You follow baseball? Leo: Yeah! Piper: You have time for baseball, but you don't have time to tell me about you-know-what, before you-know-who shows up you-know-where? DAN: Uh, Listen. If you two need to talk or something, I can... Piper: No, no no. We don't need to talk. Leo stops by occasionally to fix things. Phoebe can show him around. (Phoebe shows up.) Ahem! Let's go talk to Jenny. DAN: It was nice meeting you. Leo: Yeah, you too. (Dan and Piper leave.) Phoebe: She's just a little upset. Leo: Yeah... I don't blame her. [Scene: Bucklands. Prue walks past Darryl.] Darryl: Right... and this is where you say "Darryl", I say "Prue"and then you say something like "what are you doing here?" Prue: What are you talking about? Darryl: Andy didn't have time to teach me all the steps to this dance but I'm a quick study. Prue: I have to go. Darryl: To P3? As usual, I barely know what's going on. And I don't like it. Prue: Look, I will explain everything to you later. Darryl: But you never do. I know it's all about keeping me safe and I respect that. What do you know about Jeff Carlton? Prue: I can't. Darryl: This is about my job. Andy is gone but I'm not Andy. I'm not saying that you have to tell me about everything. But whenever you and your sisters get involved, the whole playing field gets little crazy Prue: Yeah. And a lot more dangerous. Darryl: I'm a cop. Stop protecting me, Prue. Prue: You have absolutely no idea. Darryl: I'm an imaginative guy. I have plenty of ideas. I even had you three working for the CIA for while. what matters is you and I work out some kind of relationship. We're gonna need to communicate or I'm gonna become a very unsociable. Prue: Okay. Darryl: The missing girls... and Jeff Carlton. Prue: We're working on it. Darryl: I figured. Prue: Look, Darryl, just trust us, okay? We're got this one for right now. Darryl: Sure. Prue: I have to go. (She leaves.) Darryl: Be careful [Scene: Dan's place. Jenny's room. Jenny's picking out her clothes.] Piper: Jenny, the state can shut me down. Jenny: How are they gonna find out? Are you gonna tell 'em? cause I'm not gonna tell 'em. Do you like the read or denim? DAN: Jenny ... Jenny: Yeah! Sure. Let's hear from uncle Dan. Who never in his life faked an I.D. or snuck into a bar. Who never did anything wrong. Ever. DAN: We're talking about you. Jenny: No, we're talking about Piper and she said I could go see the show. Piper: I never said that... Jenny, I'm sorry, but I can't let you in the club. DAN: Your man and dad, they put me in charge. Jenny: Right.. everybody's in charge... but not me. Not ever. Why is that? (Jenny starts to cry and leaves.) DAN: I'm sorry. She's just feeling, you know, a little... Piper: Betrayed... it's okay. I know the feeling. [Scene: P3.] Phoebe: You didn't leave any passes for that investor guy, did you? Prue: No way. The bouncer has his order. Chris Barker is not allowed. The last we need is for Piper to find out she's gonna lose her club. Phoebe: If the bank accepts his offer... Prue: One hellish complication at a time. Okay, do you have the poison pill? Phoebe: Armed and dangerous. Prue: Good! cause here comes demon boy. Phoebe: Mmm. Prue: Positions. Piper: Mr. Carlton JEFF: Nice crowd. Is the band here? Piper: Yep. They came in the back way. They're right over there. Everything's ready. JEFF: Better be. I don't want any problems. (He walks away.) Piper: That's too bad. Leo: Talking to yourself again? Piper: What are you doing here? Leo: I'm watching over things. It's what I do, remember? Piper: I remember when it didn't use to be a job. Leo: Look! This isn't easy for me either, Piper, you know. Piper; Leo, I really can't talk about this right now... Excuse me. (She walks away from him.) [Cut to Prue and Phoebe.] Prue: Okay, Pheebs. Go get him. Phoebe: Keep an eye on me. Prue: You're kind of hard to miss in that outfit. (They smile and she goes to talk to Jeff.) Phoebe: Excuse me? Aren't you Jeff Carlton? JEFF: Yes. Phoebe: Yeah! I recognized you from that MTV top 10 video things last month. JEFF: Somebody actually saw that? Phoebe: It was really good. JEFF: Taped that almost 2 months ago. Phoebe: I didn't even know there was such a thing as a music manager. Let alone what they did until you came on the scene. I mean, who knew? I'm now taking a class in music management at the learning Annex. You're my inspiration. JEFF: Really? Phoebe: Cross my heart. Hey, do you have any pointers? I would do...just about anything to get the inside the scoop. JEFF: Anything, huh? Wanna meet the band? Phoebe: Yeah. JEFF: This way. (Prue and Piper are watching over her.) Prue: Where is he taking her? Piper: In the back. Prue: All right, let's go. [Cut to a room in the back. Jeff locks the door.] Phoebe: What's the rush? JEFF: No time to waste. (He pushes her into a room.) [Cut to Prue and Piper. Piper tries to open the door.] Piper: Oops. (Prue uses her power to open the door. Then they see Jeff Carlton and Piper freezes him.) [Cut inside the room. Masselin appears but he sees the poison and disappears again. Prue and Piper come in.] Piper: Are you all right? Prue: Did you get him? Phoebe: No. Piper: What? Phoebe: I think we need a bigger balloon Prue: Ok. We're gonna have to regroup. Come on, let's go. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: P3.] Phoebe: He's huge, and ugly and I really think we need a bigger balloon. Piper: Maybe we just came in too soon. Phoebe: Maybe he saw the poison. Piper: Well, in any case, the spook's spooked. Phoebe: And took the trapped souls with him. The ones that we have to save. Prue: Look, we don't know for sure if the demon is gone, is he is still here, then he's gonna feed again and Carlton's the one to feed him. Do you still have the poison pill? Phoebe: Yes, but I don't think it's gonna be enough. Prue: Phoebe, stop. All right, uh, we need to cover the exits, look for Carlton, if we see him grab anybody, Piper, you freeze the room and we'll get into positions. Piper: I wish we could just stuff his head in a toilet and make him cough up the demon. Phoebe: Oh, honey, still upset with Leo? Piper: I'm talking about Carlton. Phoebe: I can't keep up. [Cut back to the room.] MASSELIN: You brought witches to destroy me. JEFF: What are you talking about? No, I didn't. I swear. MASSELIN: To whom do you swear? JEFF: To you. Just you. I didn't know about witches. MASSELIN: Your most recent selection, she holds the key to my destruction. Take it from her. JEFF: But why? They know about you, they know about me. MASSELIN: Take it from her and bring the witches for me. JEFF: All right, all right. But how am I gonna get 'em back here? I mean, they're gonna be a little suspicious. MASSELIN: Tempt them with an innocent soul. [Cut outside P3. Jenny's sneaking into P3.] Jenny: Excuse me, I'm sorry... Pardon me... Excuse me. [Cut inside P3.] Bouncer: (to Barker) I'm sorry but if you don't have a ticket and your name isn't in the guest list, I can't let you in. Barker: Try looking under "G" for "Grant" (He gives him a $50 note. Jenny finally sneaks into P3.) Bouncer: Oh, here you are, Mr. Grant. BARKER: Thank you so much. (The bouncer let's him in. Dishwalla starts playing. Leo appears behind Piper.] Piper: I wish you'd quit doing that. Leo: What's happening? Piper: We're on it, Leo. We're just waiting for Carlton to do his thing. Leo: Look, you think I like this? Piper: Leo... Leo: Do you think I like to not being with you? Piper: Ok, can we cut the crap? I know what you have to do. I always have. The question is: What do you want? What do you wanna do? With me? With us? Do you ever think about that? Leo: All the time. Piper: You ever want to discuss it with me? Leo: Yes. It's just the timing always seems. (Piper sees Darryl) Piper: Seems to suck. Okay, hold that thought. Don't let go. Just hold it. (She goes where Prue is.) Morris is here? Prue: What? (Prue sees Mr. Barker.) Whoa! Oh, boy! Piper: What are you looking at? He's over there. Prue: Huh, yeah, okay. (Prue grabs Piper and run.) [Cut to Jeff. He sees Phoebe.] Jeff: (to security) See that honey by the stage in the silver thing. She's got something in her purse. SECURITY: Something illegal? JEFF: Extremely. Get it out of here Security: You got it. (The security goes where Phoebe is and grabs her purse) Phoebe: Hey, what are you doing? SECURITY: Weapons check. Phoebe: There's nothing in this. (He finds the balloon. The both grab it and the balloon pops.) SECURITY: Oh! What the hell is that? (The poison is all over Phoebe's wrap or something that she's wearing.) Phoebe: That is a $75 dry-cleaning bill. [Cut to Jenny. Jeff walks up to her.] Jeff: Hey there, Jenny. Hello, I remember you. You're friend of Piper Halliwell's, right? Jenny: And Phoebe and Prue. We're like sisters. Jeff: Listen. Would you like to meet the band? Jenny: Are you serious? Man, I'd do anything to meet them. Jeff: Follow me. (Phoebe sees Jeff with Jenny.) [Cut to Prue and Piper. Barker comes up to them.] Barker: Hello, Prue. Prue: Hi, Mr. Barker. Piper: Where's Phoebe? Barker: Let me guess. Piper Halliwell, right? Piper: Yeah! Who are you? Who's he? Barker: The name's Chris Barker and I'm gonna taking over everything from here on out. Piper: Wait! What? (Morris shows up) Darryl: Piper, we've gotta talk. Piper: Not now. Barker: I'd be willing to discuss you staying on. However, in a dimished capacity, of course. (Phoebe comes up to them.) Phoebe: Jenny's here with Carlton. Prue: What? Piper: Jenny's here? Phoebe: And I lost the potion. Darryl: Piper, it's important. Barker: Yeah, wait in line, pal. (Morris shows Barker his badge.) Darryl: Hey, why don't you step to the back. Piper: Okay, everybody hold it. (She freezes everybody.) Phoebe: Look. (They look at Jenny and Jeff.) Prue: Oh my God. Piper: Oh my God. Phoebe: Oh my ... God. (They run to follow Jeff and Jenny and the place unfreezes.) Phoebe: Freeze them again. Piper: They're through the door. [Cut to the room. Jeff pushes Jenny into the room.] Jenny: Hello? (Masselin appears and she screams.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The run to the room.] Piper: Move it! Move it! Prue: Wait. Hold it. Stop. Piper: Jenny's in there. Prue: Yeah, but we can't kill Masselin without the potion. Piper: Well, we can't just stand here. She's gonna die. (Jeff opens the door and Prue uses her power against him and makes him fly.) Prue: (to Jeff) Help us. Jeff: He'll kill me. He'll burn the flesh off my bones for eternity. Piper: Listen up, skid mark. You tell us how to save Jenny and get Elvis out of the building, or spending an eternity in hell is gonna be the least of your worries. Jeff: There's nothing you can do. Piper: We can break the pact and free you from Masselin. Jeff: Believe me, if I could help you, I would. But if you go in there, he's gonna swallow you whole and you'll still be alive. Piper: That's not a bad idea. Prue: What? Piper: Where's the demon? Jeff: Through that door. Piper: I got a plan. We get eaten. Phoebe: I'm sorry, we get what? Piper: And once we're inside, Prue, you use your power to blow him up. Prue: From the inside? Piper: Mmm hmm. Phoebe: Who's to say that we won't lose our powers once we get in there. Maybe that's exactly what he wants. Prue: Yeah, well, we don't really have a choice, Phoebe. The poison pill is gone. Phoebe: Is it? (She shows her wrap with the poison.) Back up. Piper: Phoebe, what are you... (She kicks the door open. Masselin appears.) MASSELIN: It's time to join your friends, witches. (Prue, with her powers, make the wrap with the poison flies against Masselin. Mr. Barker comes in.) BARKER: What is going on back here? (Masselin blows up and green stuff splats all over Barker. We see all victims on the floor.) Piper: Jenny! We gotta get her home. (Morris comes in.) Darryl: Prue, what's going on here? Someone wanna clue me in? Prue: You're arresting a kidnapper. Phoebe: And rescuing his victims. Good job. Prue: Trust me. That's all what you wanna know. Darryl: I guess that's all I need to know. (He arrests Carlton.) Prue: Mr. Barker... here's what you need to know. This place is ours. The ups, the downs, the good and especially the bad. It's all ours. Now if you ever bother us again, you won't have to ask if I'm threatening you. Are we clear? Barker: Yeah! Prue: Good. [Cut to outside. Dishwalla is playing.] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor.] Prue: (to Piper) Paying bills? Piper: Every last one. For this month, at least. Phoebe: Thanks to Leo. (Piper gives Phoebe her "evil look".) Well, technically if it wasn't for him, you would've never landed Dishwalla. Piper: I suppose. And technically if we hadn't vanquished a demon, you client, Chris Barker, wouldn't have abandoned his hostile takeover. The bank called... and told me Mr. Barker didn't have the stomach for gruesome stage theatrics. He's withdrawing his offer. Prue: I'm sorry. Phoebe: He was just supposed to help. We didn't expect a double cross. Piper: It's okay. I mean, I understand why you didn't want to hurt my feelings but you could have told me the truth. Prue: (with a puppy face and cute voice) I said I was sorry. Phoebe: We're sorry. Piper: It's just dawning on me that personal relationships and business don't mix well at all. (Doorbell rings.) I got it. Prue: (to Phoebe) Why are you trying to blame it all on me? (Piper answers the door.) Leo: Hi. Piper: Hi. Leo: Uh, thanks. For everything. Piper: Just doing my job. Do you wanna come in, sit down? Leo: I'd love to... Piper: But you can't. We got Jenny home safe. Dan doesn't know she was at the club. But are you sure she won't remember anything? Leo: I took care of it with a little Hocus-Pocus. Piper: So you erase memories now? Leo: No, I make pain go away. When I can... sometimes, I can't, no matter how hard I try. Piper: And Masselin's others victims? Leo: They'll be fine. No memories of Masselin or Carlton. Piper: Good. Leo: Piper, did you mean what you said? Piper: When? Leo: Couple of months ago, when I almost died and you saved my life. I left and you said... that you loved me. Piper: I thought you were gone. Leo: Well, sometimes I linger... Did you mean it? Piper: Yeah, I meant it... You... you linger? Leo: What about now? Piper: I still mean it. Leo: But... Piper: But we can't keep doing this. I can't keep doing this. I feel like all I do is wait around for you to show up and then when you do, it's just not... quite right. Leo: Well, I'm just... I'm doing what I thought you wanted me to do, Piper. You're the one who didn't want me to clip my wings. Piper: And you shouldn't. Not for me. But that doesn't make it any easier for us. Leo: What are we gonna do? Piper: I don't know, Leo. (He hears that White-Lighter thing) Piper: Go. It's ok. I understand. (He kisses her.) Leo: I'll see you. (He orbs out.) [Cut to outside manor. Piper sees Dan. He smiles her and she smiles him back.]	Plan: A: cash flow; Q: What are Phoebe and Prue worried about in the P3 club? A: the struggling new P3 club; Q: What is the name of the club that Phoebe and Prue are worried about? A: Phoebe; Q: Who acts as bait for Masselin? A: Prue conspire; Q: What do Phoebe and Prue do to take on a zero interest loan? A: Piper's; Q: Whose back does Phoebe and Prue take on a zero interest loan behind? A: Leo; Q: Who gets the manager of Dishwalla to bring the band to the club? A: a pact; Q: What did Carlton make with the demon Masselin? A: innocent souls; Q: What does Masselin want in exchange for fame and fortune? A: Detective Darryl Morris; Q: Who suspects that Carlton is involved in a string of disappearances of young women? A: a string; Q: What is the number of mysterious disappearances of young women from Dishwalla's past concerts? A: a potion; Q: What do the sisters feed Masselin to kill him? Summary: Worried about cash flow in the struggling new P3 club, Phoebe and Prue conspire to take on a zero interest loan behind Piper's back, trusting that she will be able to make the club successful. Leo gets the manager of Dishwalla , Carlton, to bring the band to the club, fully aware that the manager has made a pact with the demon Masselin , who grants him fame and fortune in exchange for innocent souls. Detective Darryl Morris does not know this, but suspects that Carlton is involved in a string of mysterious disappearances of young women from Dishwalla's past concerts. On the night of the concert, Phoebe acts as bait for Masselin, and the sisters manage to feed him a potion which kills him, releasing all his victims.
HORROR OF FANG ROCK BY: TERRANCE DICKS Part Four Running time: 23:49 [SCENE_BREAK] VINCE: Reuben! You all right now? You shouldn't have come up here. I'll hang on till morning. You go and get some sleep. VINCE: No, no. [SCENE_BREAK] LEELA: This alien must have great power to change its shape at will. DOCTOR: It has. But it needed to study the human life pattern first. LEELA: That is why it took the engineer. DOCTOR: Organic restructuring is elementary physiology for Time Lords. LEELA: Then there is nothing we can do. DOCTOR: What? LEELA: Well, if this creature is a Time Lord DOCTOR: No, not a Time Lord. Elementary physiology for us is something that lesser species might master after a few thousand centuries. LEELA: Oh. Then we have nothing to worry about. DOCTOR: We don't? LEELA: No. You will easily dispose of this primitive creature, Doctor. You are a Time Lord. DOCTOR: Yes, but it took Reuben's form for a reason. LEELA: To kill us stealthily, one by one. Doctor! DOCTOR: What is it? LEELA: Suppose we pretend that we still think Reuben is Reuben, and not the alien, then we can get close enough to it and kill it. DOCTOR: No, no, no, no. We can't. If we got within touching distance of it, we're dead. It packs too many volts. LEELA: What is it? DOCTOR: It's some kind of power relay. LEELA: Does it belong to the alien? DOCTOR: Yes, yes. Rule one after surviving a crash landing, set up distress beacon. To do that it would have needed a power source. That's why it came here. There must be a signal modulator somewhere, transmitting. To whom? To it's own kind. Leela, get the surviving humans to the lamp room. LEELA: To the lamp room. DOCTOR: Yes, that's the easiest place to defend. LEELA: Oh, but Doctor, where shall we look for this mognal sigulator? DOCTOR: I'll do the looking. Hurry, there isn't much time. [SCENE_BREAK] ADELAIDE: Do keep still! It's like some terrible dream. SKINSALE: Pity it's not a dream. We'd stand a chance of waking up. SKINSALE: Is Harker dead? LEELA: Yes. Like the others. The creature has got into the lighthouse. Now we must fight for our lives. SKINSALE: Come on, Adelaide, drink this. Come on, drink it. LEELA: Hurry. The Doctor wants us to go to the lamp room. SKINSALE: Why the lamp room? LEELA: It is the easiest place to defend ourselves. SKINSALE: Right. Come on, Adelaide. ADELAIDE: No. SKINSALE: Come on. ADELAIDE: No. SKINSALE: Come along. LEELA: Back! Back! Get back! LEELA: Run! Run! [SCENE_BREAK] SKINSALE: Adelaide, Doctor. It's got Adelaide. DOCTOR: Where's Leela? LEELA: Doctor, the creature! Behind us. We must find weapons. DOCTOR: Shush. Now listen. When you reach the service room, you'll find a locker full of maroons. I want you to break them open and scatter the powder down the lamp room stairs. Vince'll help you. Off you go. SKINSALE: Right. LEELA: It's coming. DOCTOR: May I help you? Having trouble, Reuben, hmm? Not easy holding a human form stable, is it. REUBEN: No longer necessary. We can abandon this ridiculous shape. DOCTOR: Good idea. You'll find it a lot comfier. [SCENE_BREAK] SKINSALE: Just like the others. LEELA: Then there is nothing we can do. The maroons. SKINSALE: This terrible thing will destroy us all. Poor chap. LEELA: You must forget him now. LEELA: It is time for us to fight. LEELA: Listen. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Now I remember. Reuben the Rutan. RUTAN: You know our form? DOCTOR: Well, when you've seen one Rutan, you've seen them all. RUTAN: We are a Rutan scout. We are specially trained in the new metamorphosis techniques. DOCTOR: Well, I expect you'll get better at it in time. What are you doing in this part of the galaxy anyway? RUTAN: That doesn't concern you. You are to be destroyed. DOCTOR: Got it! You're at last losing that interminable war with the Sontarans. RUTAN: That is a lie! DOCTOR: Is it? You used to control the whole of the Mutter's Spiral once. Now the Sontarans have driven you to the far fringes of the galaxy. RUTAN: The glorious Rutan army is making a series of strategic withdrawals to selected strong points. DOCTOR: Rutan, that's the empty rhetoric of a defeated dictator, and I don't like your face, either. RUTAN: Your mockery will end with your race, Earthling, when the mighty Rutan battle fleet occupies this planet. DOCTOR: Why invade an obscure planet like Earth? It's of no value to you. RUTAN: The planet is obscure, but its strategic position is sound. We shall use it as a launch point for our final assault on the Sontaran rabble. DOCTOR: But if you set up a power base here, the Sontarans will bombard it with photonic missiles. RUTAN: That is unimportant. It will serve the cause of our final glorious victory. DOCTOR: And what about its people? RUTAN: Primitive bipeds of no value. We scouted all the planets of this solar system. Only this one suits our purpose. DOCTOR: I can understand your military purposes, but why murder a hatful of harmless humans? RUTAN: It is necessary. Til we return to our mother ship, and the mother ship informs the fleet, no one must know of our visit to Earth. DOCTOR: But you crashed, didn't you, just as you made your discovery. You failed. RUTAN: Failed? We are sending a signal to the mother ship with the power from the primitive mechanism below. DOCTOR: You're not, you know. RUTAN: It's of no importance. The ship will home in on the primary signal. DOCTOR: I'm sorry to disappoint you. I fixed that as well, oyster face. RUTAN: All your interference is useless. The beam was transmitting long enough for the mother ship to trace the signal. DOCTOR: You can't be certain. RUTAN: It will come. DOCTOR: But by then, you'll be dead. RUTAN: What could you Earthlings possibly do to us? DOCTOR: Well, if you'll just step this way, I'll show you. [SCENE_BREAK] LEELA: Here he comes! DOCTOR: I've brought someone to see you. Give me one of those fuses, quickly. SKINSALE: Is this advisable, Doctor? DOCTOR: Probably not, but we've no choice. I'm so sorry to bother you. Could you oblige me with a light? SKINSALE: A what? DOCTOR: A match. SKINSALE: Oh yes, of course, here. DOCTOR: Thank you. Move over. LEELA: How did you hold it back on the stairs? DOCTOR: Oh, a little militant chit-chat. DOCTOR: What kept you? RUTAN: The time for talk is over. DOCTOR: Correct. LEELA: Where is it? Have you killed the thing? DOCTOR: Unlikely. SKINSALE: That's the most horrible thing I've ever seen. What the devil is it? DOCTOR: It's an intelligent, highly aggressive species from Ruta Three. LEELA: Was it a sea creature? DOCTOR: It evolved in the sea, adapted to land. Any more gunpowder, Colonel? LEELA: We are lucky that it fears flame. DOCTOR: Well, Ruta Three is an icy planet. Its inhabitants find heat intensely painful. Now, if we had a flame-thrower. SKINSALE: Well, there is this, Doctor. DOCTOR: What? SKINSALE: I carried it up from the service room. It looks like a kind of mortar. DOCTOR: It's an early Schermuly. SKINSALE: An early Schermuly? DOCTOR: Yes, an early Schermuly. A Schermuly box that fires a rocket and line. SKINSALE: A projectile weapon. DOCTOR: Yes. It won't do, though. Stay calm, Skinsale. DOCTOR: Here, take this. SKINSALE: Right, got it. DOCTOR: Loaded with a few odds and ends it should cover the stairs. Empty your pockets, and mine. DOCTOR: Of course, it's not just this Rutan I'm worried about, it's the others. SKINSALE: Others? DOCTOR: Yes. SKINSALE: You mean to say there are more of these beasts? DOCTOR: There's a whole battle fleet out there. By the time the Rutans and the Sontarans SKINSALE: Sontarans? DOCTOR: Yes. By the time they've finished with it, this planet'll be like a cinder hanging in space. SKINSALE: You mean to say that there's a whole battle fleet coming here? DOCTOR: Yes. Unless, of course, we could knock out both the mother ship and the scout ship. If we could do that, they just might conclude that this section of space was too dangerous. LEELA: How can we do that? DOCTOR: I don't know. We've nothing here that would stop a Rutan spaceship in its tracks. Rutan ships have a crystalline infrastructure, you see. Shielded, of course. Still, landing on a planet like this, they might just cut off the energy fields to save power. No, I'd need an amplified carbon oscillator. LEELA: What is an am, what did you say? DOCTOR: It's like a laser beam but much more destructive. SKINSALE: A laser beam? DOCTOR: Yes. LEELA: Yes, that's some kind of very powerful light, isn't it, Doctor? DOCTOR: Well, yes, put in it's simplest terms. LEELA: Why don't we use this? DOCTOR: What? LEELA: This. DOCTOR: That? Are you suggesting I convert the carbon arc beam? LEELA: Well, obviously. DOCTOR: Leela, that's a beautiful notion. Unfortunately I'd need a focusing device, a fairly large piece of crystalline carbon. LEELA: Crystallised carbon? SKINSALE: A diamond. DOCTOR: Yes. DOCTOR: No, that's too small. I'd need a much bigger one for the primary beam oscillator. SKINSALE: Palmerdale. DOCTOR: What? SKINSALE: Palmerdale. He always carried diamonds. DOCTOR: He did? SKINSALE: He called them his insurance. DOCTOR: The crew room. SKINSALE: Yes. DOCTOR: Yes. Yes. Well, let's get this working first. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Are you sure you've got it? LEELA: Mmm hmm. DOCTOR: Good. SKINSALE: Doctor, I'm coming with you. DOCTOR: That's not necessary. SKINSALE: I want to. You'll need someone. DOCTOR: All right. Remember, Leela, don't fire until you see the green of its tentacles. LEELA: Doctor, how are you going to get past the Rutan? DOCTOR: With discretion. Come on, Colonel. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: (quietly) Hurry. Hurry! DOCTOR: (quietly) Body belt. Body belt! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR (OOV.): Ready, Leela? LEELA: Yes. DOCTOR (OOV.): Now! LEELA: Are you all right? DOCTOR: You singed my scarf. LEELA: And the Colonel? DOCTOR: Dead with honour. LEELA: Then at least we have avenged him. DOCTOR: Yes. LEELA: And the diamond? [SCENE_BREAK] LEELA: It is here, Doctor. I did it! Finished! RUTAN: Your triumph will be short, Earthling. Our mother ship will blast this island into molten rock. LEELA: Empty threats, Rutan. Enjoy your death as I enjoyed killing you. RUTAN: We die for the glory of our race. Long live the Rutan empire! DOCTOR (OOV.): Leela? Leela! [SCENE_BREAK] LEELA: They are hard to kill, these Rutans. DOCTOR: Been celebrating, have you? LEELA: It is fitting to celebrate the death of an enemy. DOCTOR: Not in my opinion. I haven't got time to discuss morality. Look out there. LEELA: Is that the Rutan mother ship? DOCTOR: It is. When it gets within range, this will lock onto its carbon resonator and knock out its anti-grav, I hope. We've got about a hundred and seventeen seconds to get out of here. Understand? LEELA: Perfectly. DOCTOR: Good. So when I switch on, you run for it, all right? LEELA: Yes. It's getting nearer, Doctor. DOCTOR: Come on. Whatever you do, don't look back. I said don't look back! Let's go. Now! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Leela, come on! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Leela! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR (OOV.): Leela! LEELA: Come on! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: That'll teach them. DOCTOR: I thought I told you not to look back. LEELA: Slay me, Doctor. DOCTOR: What? LEELA: I'm blind. Slay me now. It is the fate of the old and crippled. DOCTOR: You're neither old nor crippled. The effects of the flash will pass. LEELA: You are sure? DOCTOR: Mmm. Blink. That's interesting. LEELA: What is? DOCTOR: Pigmentation dispersal caused by the flash. Your eyes have changed colour. Leela, stop blinking now. Let's go. LEELA: What colour are they? DOCTOR: Blue. 'Aye, though we hunted high and low, and hunted everywhere.' LEELA: What? DOCTOR: The Ballad of Flannan Isle, by Wilfred Gibson. LEELA: Who? DOCTOR: Wilfred Gibson. 'Aye, though we hunted high and low, and hunted everywhere, of the three men's fate we found no trace' DOCTOR (OOV.): 'In any time, in any place. But a door ajar and an untouched needle and an over-toppled chair.'	Plan: A: its mother ship; Q: What is about to land and turn Earth into an alien attack base? A: the electrically charged Rutan scout; Q: Who attacks openly? A: its human guise; Q: What does the Rutan scout drop when it attacks openly? Summary: With little to fear, and its mother ship about to land and turn Earth into an alien attack base, the electrically charged Rutan scout drops its human guise and attacks openly.
[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Man: (screams) Cotton: Black Sunday is coming. We have but five days left of life in Salem. We must move inside the mansion. The only safe place is inside. Woman: There's one with child. Will you have a look? Anne: With child? What's your name? Gloriana: Gloriana. Anne: You're the baby's father? Gloriana: Mm-hmm. Cotton Mather. Wha... (screams) Anne: I have ensured your child a healthy, happy life as the beloved child of Cotton Mather and his wife, Anne Hale. (screams) (panting) Man: Isaac is a truth teller! Three cheers for Isaac! (indistinct cheering) Man #2: Ugh! Man #3: You freed us, Isaac. We're your men now. (clamoring) Boy: I have a surprise for you. Black Sunday will be a new beginning for us. Sentinel: Our brothers must be released. While you play with toys, they burn in hell. Boy: Perhaps I made a mistake choosing you of all of them to help me. Tituba: The devil's brother will destroy Mary unless you destroy him first. You must forge a dagger with that in it and kill him with the dagger. Mary: We must find out what Sebastian knows. John: If you have no magic, either, how can you expect to stop Sebastian? Mary: Alden is my past. You... are my future. Sebastian: I believe that, Mary. I may not be able to change in an instant the way you feel about him, but I can change the way he feels about you. Mary: (breathes heavily) Sebastian: No kiss goodnight? Mary: I hate you. Sebastian: You cannot deny it was good. Mary: And that is precisely why I hate you. Sebastian: If that is what your hatred tastes like, I look forward to your love. Mary: Oh, do they make love in hell? Because surely as the sun is near rising, the boy will see you there before he lets me go. Sebastian: I told you I can free us of him, and I will. Leave with me before Sunday's blood dawn. My family castle lies far across the ocean, and I can take us there. (both gasp) Mary: Stop tempting me. It is no use. Even if I wanted to, I cannot. Sebastian: Yes, you can. Let Salem burn. Let the boy rant over his charred puppets. You owe nothing, and you leave nothing behind. You've never even seen the world outside these muddy borders. The old world is filled with splendors. This new world is a cesspool... and Salem its rank bottom. Mary: You do not understand. The Essex used their sacred tree to resurrect my life force. I am forever bound to it. They warned me I can never travel beyond its roots. Sebastian: And you believe those shriveled tree worshippers? They knew you would abandon them and run away as soon as you returned. So they had to keep you here if not with a simple lie. You don't believe me. Mary: Where are we? Sebastian: Far from the roots of Salem. Mary: (groaning) (gasping) Now do you believe me? You test my word with my very life. Sebastian: Forgive me. Mary: I am bound to this hell. At present, this very house. But if you must go, then go. Sebastian: No. I will not leave you here. Mary: A promise easily made, yet we will see just how loyal you prove to be. Sebastian: I worship you. Ask of me anything. Mary: There is only one way we can be together. You must choose. Me or the boy. Will you help me kill him? ("Cupid Carries A Gun" plays) ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ Witch drums ♪ ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ The witch drums ♪ ♪ Better pray for hell ♪ ♪ Not hallelujah ♪ (dogs bark, sheep bleat, indistinct conversations) (horse neighs) Cotton: Anne? Anne: I'm here, my love. Cotton: I got your message and came at once. Are you not well? Anne: I have vomited twice this morning. Cotton: Ohh. Anne: Never felt so well. Cotton: (chuckles) Anne: (chuckles) Cotton: Then let the light in. The sun shines but a few more days. We must make the most of it. But... Anne: (chuckles) Cotton: (gasps lightly) But it is hardly a week. Anne: I believe... my witch blood has quickened the speed of life itself. Cotton: My child... Anne: Our chance. Cotton: (gasps) Life is a force of nature that not even the devil's fire can stifle. Here, amid all this turmoil... my dream comes true. I will be a loving father. Anne: And I will be the best mother this baby could have. Cotton: I implore you to come to the Sibley house. Now. I must have you and... and our child safe. Anne: I must finish a few things. Then I will gather what I need and come by the end of the day. I promise. Cotton: Promise me you will come as quickly as you can. Anne: Hello? Who's there? (creaking) (ghostly shriek) I know what you are. I have no choice. I am only doing what is best. Leave me alone! (indistinct conversations in distance) Blacksmith: What the hell you want? John: Nothing I don't intend to pay for. Look. This is for you to take off and not come back before dawn. I've got work to do. Blacksmith: What kind of work? John: Need to make me a knife. Got no place to make it in. My knife needs to be forged by my own two hands. It's a... family tradition. Man: John, leave him be. (sizzling) Mary: My dearest John, my every heartbeat is ignited by the thought of you. I have already gained crucial information that I must share with you. But I can hardly confess what I have had to do to obtain it. Gloriana: Witch! Beast! (panting) Anne: (straining) I don't want to harm you. Gloriana: (moans) Why are you doing this to me? (voice breaking) My baby... Anne: Cotton's baby. I have saved his child. This baby would most likely have died in childbirth to a woman in such poor health as you. Do you not see all I have done for you? Gloriana: You... bitch. Anne: Your bstrd child would have been born out of wedlock, and Cotton would have had no choice but to turn his back, deny his upstanding name to both of you. So, you see, this is for the best for everyone. And I am generous enough to help you. Gloriana: You stole the life from inside me. (breathes heavily) God will strike you. Anne: God will see one of his kind creatures saving another! Gloriana: Lie for your own ears' sake, but you and I both know what kind of creature you truly are! (screaming) (sobbing) (wailing) (bird shrieking) Sebastian: I know I am an unwelcome guest here. Essex Elder: No. You are a gift. We have all dreamed of swallowing the warm blood of the line that betrayed us and all the hives that roamed this mossy orb. Sebastian: I come only as a messenger. Essex Elder: Then it be a fool's errand. We want no orders from that foul dwarf hell itself excreted. Sebastian: I was sent by Mary. Tonight she plans to vanquish the boy. She can not do it without you. Isaac: Let my truth be heard! Look around you. We live in the sludge running from those fine houses. Their Puritan piss washes right into your alleyways. (horse neighs) You ever wonder why they treat you like dogs? (sheep bleats) Because you live like dogs! Never wash yourselves. Screw each other in the street, in the plain sight of children! I know. If the truth was easy to hear, everyone'd tell it. But it gets you branded. Made an example of. Well, here's the hard truth, and I ain't afraid to tell it. We're not their equals. We're their betters! Men: Yes! Yes! Isaac: Or could be. That's what them Puritans are so afraid of. (crowd members shouting "Yes!") There's more of us than there is of them. And the day we finally respect ourselves enough to stand up for ourselves, that's the day they fear. Man: Let us not fear them! Isaac: The day of their reckoning. We don't need their law! (crowd shouts agreement) Or their contempt! (crowd shouts agreement) We're gonna clean up these streets, and we're gonna have our own law! (crowd shouts agreement) Where being poor don't make you guilty! (crowd shouts agreement) Who is with me? (crowd cheers) Mercy: What is that Greek sea monster that, when you cut off one of his heads, another grows back even more hideous than the last? Hathorne: I think you refer to the dreaded Hydra of ancient myth. Mercy: No. I refer to that shit-sayer whose head swells even bigger than before because your cowardly self couldn't even rid Knockers Hole of him. Hathorne: Isaac has grown most popular, but disposing of him permanently, that would have brought the worst attention to our little corner... and to you. Mercy: Well, if you truly loved me, you wouldn't keep me locked away in this wretched quarter, ruled by my own worst enemy. Hathorne: No, no, no, no. Mercy: Yes. Yes! Hathorne: You look out the wrong window. You look in the gutter when you should look at the finer side of town. The side of town you will be living in soon enough... with me. Mercy: How? Those who don't know I'm a witch know I'm a whore. Hathorne: They know nothing of the kind. Mercy: Yes, they do. Hathorne: Nothing. Let me tell you a story. Come. A story about... a poor motherless girl. Preyed upon by witches, deceived by Mary Sibley herself. A girl made scapegoat for the crimes of others, driven to fend for herself out in the dangerous woods, and barely escaped with her life. Mary Sibley has already been cast out of polite society... a servant in her own home. And I see no reason why the role she so dramatically filled... the Belle of Salem... should not fall to the worthy beauty I see before me. [SCENE_BREAK] (knock on door) (both laugh) Mercy: You're the last person I thought I'd see in this place. Anne Hale. Anne: Oh! I came to see the Madame of the house. Mercy: (scoffs) Do you not recognize me, old friend? Anne: Mercy? Mercy: In the flesh. Anne: But what are you... doing here? Mercy: You know what they say... the only women in this world with any real powers are whores and widows. Anne: So you became a whore? Mercy: Give it time. I may yet become a widow. Now, what brings this pale paragon of Puritan virtue into my cozy den of sin? Anne: It is a delicate matter. That I would prefer to discuss in private. Mercy: My quarters are private, indeed... and quite occupied. But I'm always aroused by delicate situations. I will come to you. When it is convenient for me. Good day. Anne: Good day. Cotton: Go away! You have at every turn damned my life, this town, very possibly this entire world. Mary: In just three days' time there may be nothing left of your life, this town, this entire world, unless you help me stop what I set in motion. Do you know what this is? Cotton: No. No, it cannot be. Mary: You know what it is. Cotton: Red Mercury. I want nothing of it. Mary: Cotton, please. This is his weapon. I fear this will bring about Black Sunday. Cotton: You should fear. Even in the great tomes of Greece it was said to come from the bowels of the underworld. "And the earth shall be scorched." Every flower, every blade of grass "shall be licked by the flames of hell itself." Mary: In all those tomes, did they ever mention a way to stop it? Cotton: Only by stopping he who wields it. Mary: Cotton... Cotton: I will help you no further. Mary: You're afraid. Cotton: I am. But not on my own account. I have others to think of. Anne... who carries my child. Mary: I had no idea. I will not ask you to risk theirs or your own life. But do just this one thing for me. Deliver this letter to John. I promise you, I will ask for nothing more. Increase: Come. Cotton. Cotton, my son. Come closer. Cotton: Father are you in there? Increase: Yes. Here. Where you shall be. Where you already are. Cotton: I'm coming, Father. I'll help you! Increase: Your shoulders, Cotton. The heaviest burden, Salem's salvation. Abandon all hope. Do not abandon hope, you who enter here. Cotton: Father, I don't understand. What are you trying to tell me? Increase: When you are asked, say yes. Sentinel: Stay away from this door! Cotton: My father is in there! Sentinel: Then pray for him. Cotton: Who lies beyond that door? Sentinel: Haven't you guessed? Cotton: I insist that you tell me now. Sentinel: Beyond that door lies hell itself. Cotton: (breathes heavily) Man: Stole a loaf and two pheasants. Man #2: My boy hasn't had sustenance in two weeks' time since we were driven from our home. Isaac: You're an educated man. You find no sympathy from the Puritans? Man #2: We are Quaker. French and Indians burned all that we had. Isaac: And those who toiled to bake that bread and hunt those pheasants? Should they have nothing to show for their efforts? Thievery will not be tolerated. But neither will hunger. This man... could be any one of us. And as such, he will be fed like a brother. But he will also work off his crime by cleaning our streets here for a period of one week. Man: (grunts) John: Let... let... let go! Isaac: John Alden? John: Isaac? Man: They caught him red-handed at the smith's shop. John: We had an arrangement... Man: Smith ain't nowhere to be found. Isaac: What's this about? John: This? (scoffs) (chuckling) What is all this about? Where's the Magistrate? Who made you judge and jury? Isaac: They don't care what happens here. We do. (crowd murmurs agreement) You swear you done right by the Smith? John: Yeah. Isaac: I vouch for this man. But if the smith should return with another story, or not return at all, John Alden will answer for it. So, are you gonna tell me why you decided to take up smithing in your spare time? John: Too many bad ears around. I'll tell you when it's over. If I'm still around. If any of us are. Isaac: What's coming, John? John: An attack. Cotton: And it's closer than you think. Isaac: Reverend Mather? John: Speak of the devil. And his ass-licking servants. Cotton: But you don't know the full truth, John. I was spelled. I'm better now. John: So your sermon the other day... Cotton: A charade. An act of survival. I'm here to make it right. John: Yeah. Well, it's a little late. Cotton: Would you prefer never? Please. Just spare me a moment of your time. There is much to explain. Red Mercury. Took less than a thimbleful to wipe out Sodom and Gomorrah. John: And Deerfield. Saw it myself. I've got men all over the woods, watching for any sign of a cannon. Cotton: No. The attack will not come from the forests. It will come from within. John: And you know this? Cotton: Mary was able to draw it out of Sebastian. John: How? (paper rustles) John: Could you... Cotton: One of these days John, should the Good Lord spare us, I intend to teach you proper letters. (indistinct conversations) (clears throat) "My dearest John, my every heartbeat is ignited by the thought of you. I have already gained crucial information that I must share with you. Already I've learned the attack is not coming from outside of Salem, but from within. I can hardly confess what I have had to do to learn this, but I believe you may already know. I have no choice but to stay the course. Sebastian is their tool, and I must make him mine. Please know that we fight the same war. I in here, you out there. Try not to think of what I do, as I try not to imagine the deadly danger that you place yourself in. All that matters is that we stop them. If we do, we shall have all the days and nights of our lives to make it right. And if we fail, my sins will burn along with the rest of us. All my love... Mary." You and I have been cursed... with complicated women. John: Complicated witches. Cotton: Yet witches who have captured our hearts. And mine is with child. I am to be a father, John. I will not let my child be an orphan before he draws his first breath of life on this Earth. John: I, too, am father to a witch's child. Look how that turned out. Mary: Behold the bride of Satan. Queen to the child I myself birthed. Well, do you not think I will make a splendid goddess? (sighs) I am under no delusions. Nor are you. We are but servants to the newly exalted God he has fashioned himself into. (whoosh) (otherworldly shriek) Gloriana: (groaning) Sebastian: I must speak to you, my lord. Boy: I've been expecting you. It's time we talked about you... and my mother. Sebastian: My lord, I have a grave indiscretion to confess. Boy: How was she? Have no fear. Unlike my Father, I have no taste for virgins. Enjoy her. Until Sunday... when I will finally make her mine... body and soul. Now, what is it you wish to speak about? Sebastian: You have held my loyalty for centuries, my lord, but in Mary's embrace I faltered and, in secret, I've conspired against you. I beg your mercy. Boy: You betrayed me? Sebastian: As we speak, she plots in the woods with her Essex kin to slay you. Boy: You allowed her to leave, knowing this?! Sebastian: I saw a chance to redeem my sins, allow you to catch her in the act, to destroy the hive that has been the cause of so much dissent. Boy: Destroying those conniving Essex once and for all... ...this will bring me great pleasure. Take me to them. Anne: Mercy, a pleasure. Mercy: Don't bother. What do you need from me? Anne: I came across a wayward young lady among the refugee melee, and I have nursed her back to health, but I can do no more for her. Mercy: And I can? Anne: I believe in her past this girl was... employed in... a profession such as... the one practiced in the establishment of which you are a proprietor. Mercy: She was a whore, you mean. Anne: (scoffs lightly) Mercy: Please. We have both felt the thrust of the Dark Lord's goat deep inside us and given ourselves over to his lust. Let us not be modest. Now, where is this girl? Aren't you pretty? Gloriana: (chuckles) If it pleases you, Miss. Anne: My dear, this is Miss Mercy. She's going to take care of you now. Mercy: What is your name? Gloriana: I don't... remember. Mercy: And how did you come here, to Salem? Gloriana: Oh, why... I don't... remember that either. Anne: It is the way with so many of these girls who've been through the trauma of the war. Mercy: Sometimes it's better that way. The past only stirs up pain. Let us create a new life for you, yes? Gloriana: (laughs) Mercy: You'll owe me for cleaning up your mess. And congratulations. Anne: What? Mercy: I sense a yawning emptiness in her womb. All is fair in love and war... if there's really any difference. Come, my little bird. (door closes) Anne: (gasps) Essex Elder: My child... Mary: It is a grave hour I fear. Essex Elder: Yet one of ultimate freedom. I am so proud of you. Mary: Would that this day had never come. Essex Elder: The course of life is not ours to direct but the primordial right of the Earth. Hers is the only will we carry forth. She is indebted to you, as are we, Mary, for what you will do. Mary: It is I who am grateful. Man: Be brave. It will all be over soon. Boy: Oh, yes. Very soon. Why would you conspire against me? You and I are not only of one flesh... we are of one soul. Yours just as black as mine. Mary: No. No, I swallowed the bitter taste of evil, but in service of something greater. You only want greatness for yourself. Boy: And for you. Mary: I don't want to be a god. Only a woman. Boy: Do you think your namesake asked to be chosen? Your consent is not required. I really must thank you, Sebastian, for arranging this entertainment. Do not compound your errors! Sebastian: I've made none. None of us have. Only you, child. (whooshing and snapping) Boy: You think a few rotted vines can hold me?! (whooshing and snapping) Essex Elder: Once you were the source of Mary's power. Not anymore. Now t'will be our power coursing through our sister. You've never understood the real meaning of sacrifice. Nor its power. No one may sacrifice another. Only themselves. Boy: (grunting) (knives plunging, women groaning) Boy: No, don't do this! No, you can't! No! No! Ba'al Zabub! Come, brother! Now! Save me! Ba'al Zabub! Brother! Free me! You waste time! Sentinel: We challenged our father for one reason, and only one. Freedom. The right to say no. And I say it to you now, brother, freely... No. Boy: I beg of you, do not do this! Sentinel: I leave you to your fate, Samael. And come Black Sunday, which will rain down as black as night, my true brothers will rise from hell and stand beside me, not above me. Boy: Don't be a fool. You are but Thursday. I am Sunday. Black Sunday is my day! Sentinel: Not anymore. Boy: Mother! Stop! Mother! Mother!! Mary: I am not your mother. I am the last of the Essex. Boy: You cannot do this! We shall be gods together! Out of all the many, I chose but one! Mary: And out of the one... I shall make many... Boy: (straining) (screaming) (indistinct talking) Sebastian: You are a most remarkable woman. Mary: Only because of the remarkable women who gave themselves for me. Sebastian: You know it was the only way. Mary: As did they. And we are far from done. Black Sunday still looms heavy. We are free of my son, but his brother is still here. And he intends to leave only ashes where we would have a home. Sebastian: Wherever you are will be my home. And whatever I must do to make it so... shall be done. (bell tolls) Children: ♪ Married on Wednesday ♪ ♪ Bedded on Thursday ♪ ♪ Sickened on Friday ♪ ♪ Died on Saturday ♪ ♪ Buried on Sunday ♪	Plan: A: Loyalties; Q: What is tested when Mary makes a dangerous move? Summary: Loyalties are tested when Mary makes a dangerous move.
At the Dot, Spinner is working, Manny is at the counter Spinner: I will be right back. Right after I get this. The new manager is a battle axe. I need to boost turnover or else... Manny: Sweat on you, kind of cute. You sweating on food service items, a little less cute. (Wipes his face with a napkin) All better. (Spinner leans in and kisses her and Manny breaks away.) Manny: Oh my god. This is my favorite song ever! Spinner: Oh my god. My ears are bleeding. Manny: Why am I your friend? Spinner: Friend? Uh, you girlfriend. Me boyfriend. You make me bathe daily. Me make you go camping. Now I know, I know we're not official but we should be so what do you say? Say yes! In the hallway Manny: For science you're gonna have Ms. Hatzilakos and for math Mr. Armstrong. Math is chafe. I hate it. Chester: So is the royal tour standard Degrassi procedure or is it just cause of the shooting? Manny: The shooting is not what our school's about so I guess the welcoming committee is just me trying to show people that there's other stuff. The cafeteria is next. Tasty burritos! Mr. Simpson: (On the PA system) Please excuse the interruption. Would Paige Michalchuk and Marco Del Rossi please report to the principals office. Manny: This is Craig Manning from grade 11. This is Chester's first day. Craig: Oh cool. Welcome. Could I talk to you for a second? Manny: Um actually I'm just... Chester: This way to los burritos? Manny: Yeah... Craig: So a lot has been going on in my head lately, including thinking about last year. Manny: Craig, it's okay. Craig: No it's not okay. I made a lot of mistakes since coming here, but you were probably the biggest. (She starts walking away and he stops her) I mean if I could go back in time I would have stopped that night. Saved us both a lot of pain. Manny: That's all you think it was? A lot of pain? Gee thanks for your apology, but I'm fine! Outside the principal's office Paige: Mademoiselle spirit squad, Mr. Pres that's why we were called down. Marco: Yeah but what if it's not?! What if we've done something bad? Will it go on my record?! Paige! Will it cost me getting into the school of my choice?! Paige: It's gonna cost you a hand-shaped welt if you don't calm down. Manny, Hun what are you up to? Manny: I'm just going to math unfortunately. Paige: Well because I'm so nice you can take my Raditch meeting instead ok?! Manny: Raditch? I'm actually really... (Paige walks away.) Manny: Um sometimes I so hate that girl. In the hallway Paige: Uh left side, smidge low. Don't they teach displays at teacher school? Matt: Yeah it's my minor. Paige: Social faux pas uh it's not really me, which is why showing up at the bar that night, it makes me a complete dork. Matt: Yeah well, dork with a lot of guts. That's a pretty good fake ID. Paige: Yeah I uh know the right people. So uh...Charlie. Pretty. Great sense of humour. Total package. Matt: Yeah and now she's uh totally my past. We broke up. Not because of us. Not that there uh, not that there is an us. Charlie and I were just not working out. Paige: You're what? My brother's age? A year older than that? He's dating Marco. Matt: He's not Marco's teacher. Paige: Well you're not mine. Not really. Mr. Simpson: Paige, class isn't quite the same without you talking to Hazel so... Back at the principal's office Mr. Raditch: If you're waiting for the principal and I assume you are, I'm not the principal you're waiting for. She's inside. Manny: Is that like a riddle sir?!? Mr. Raditch: No. It's like the board has assigned me to another school. (He leaves angry) Ms. Hatzilakos: Surprise, surprise! Marco: Woah you're our new principal? Ms. Hatzilakos: Yes I am. For the time being. So where's Paige? Manny: I'm Paige, for the time being! Ms. Hatzilakos: Alright. So, the board has done their part in helping everyone deal with the shooting and now it's our turn. We need to bring school spirit back. Manny: What about the school play? Ms. Hatzilakos: Ah that's my next meeting. With JT and Liberty, I'm gonna green light their project! Marco: This is great! For so many reasons! Manny: Marco thought we were in trouble. Marco: Shut up Manny. Ms. Hatzilakos: No. You're not in trouble at all. In fact we need some more great ideas. When I say 'we', I mean you two. In the hallway Manny: So she wants us to organize this huge event to raise school spirit. Isn't that amazing? Emma: Yeah that's cool. Manny: I need ideas Emma please help me. Now,please! Emma: I'm sure you'll think of something. (Emma walks away and Manny looks kind of hurt, then Spinner comes up behind her with a stuffed llama.) Spinner: Baa. Baa. Well hi I'm Lala Llama from fluffy fluff collections. Manny: It's so cute. Spinner: Cool. Um, so about what I asked you yesterday... Manny: We're having fun right? So why do we have to go and make it all official? Spinner: 'Cause that's what couples do. Manny: Ooh yikes I so have to run, but thanks for the llama! (Blows him a kiss as she walks away) Outside the school Marco: Alright so what do you got? Hit me! Manny: Um... I'm thinking fun fair and fieldtrip! Marco: What?! No come on that's too junior high. Manny: You just want a dance. Admit it! Chester: Everybody likes a dance. The young, the old. My ex-school had this great dance this one time. It was a Cupid theme. Everybody paired off by computer. Marco: Electronic ice-breaking. Nice. Chester: The idea's yours if you want it...of course it'll cost you a free ticket and a dance... (He walks away smiling at her) Marco: You know I think he was talking to you! In school, Manny is talking on the TV Manny: And this Friday we're having a major dance. Hold on to your hearts as cupid has his way. Computer's will be set up around the school. Answer a few questions and when you arrive at the dance your love match will be waiting! In Yoga class Marco: Mr. Oleander's a teacher Paige. Paige: Thanks Marco, I didn't realize that. Marco: Well you keep talking about him like he's some hot 12th grader or something. Paige: No he's a big baby who won't take the next step. Won't even crawl towards it. Ow leg cramp. Marco: Ow. Wise decision. Paige: It's not a decision. I can't turn off how I feel. Fine it's not conventional, but I thought you of all people would understand. Marco: What do you want me to do? Paige: Be on my side for starters. Ms. Kwan: Namaste, yogis and yogini's. Paige: Um Ms. Kwan this is Mr. Oleanders Ashtanga class. Ms. Kwan: Not anymore. With his workload, yoga was too much of a commitment. In the computer lab Chester: So you and Marco have passwords. You can access the program before the dance and generate your results. Manny: Wow you make it sound cool. Chester: Well basically you plug in a name, then you answer fields like favorite superhero. Manny: Does Bubbles from the Powerpuff Girls count? Chester: No. How about favorite movie? Manny: Ooh definitely Honey. Chester: Boyfriend's name? Manny: I don't have one. Nothing serious anyway. So why don't you put in your name? Just for fun. Chester: Okay. (The screen shows they're compatible) Compatible...even if we are the only two people in the program. (Spinner sees the two of them looking close and knocks on the door.) Manny: Thanks Chester. It's gonna be amazing. I'll make sure that Marco gets his password. Outside Spinner: Banana sandwich for your thoughts? Not about that kid are they? Manny: Who Chester? No. No. I'm just distracted lately 'cause I'm organizing this entire dance. Spinner: With Marco, who I've spoken to oh I don't know eight times today. Manny: Look, I'm sorry. Tomorrow every single dance is yours. You'll get sick of all the attention. Spinner: I work tomorrow night. Manny: So? Ask for it off. Say you're sick or something. Spinner: I can't! Grim Reaper will fire me. Manny: My own boyfriend can't make it to my dance! Spinner: Boyfriend? Funny I thought we were just dating. Manny: You don't want me to be your girlfriend. You just think it's what couples do and you're not gonna convince me with a stupid stuffed llama for ten year olds. Craig gave me one two years ago. Spinner: What are you talking about? Manny: If you can't commit to a simple dance, how can you commit to me? Spinner: Manny! In the auditorium Mr. Raditch: I love Degrassi. It's been such an important part of my life, but all good things must come to an end. I look forward to the challenges and opportunities that are set out before me, as does your new acting principal Ms. Hatzilakos. Ms. Hatzilakos: Thank you Mr. Raditch. And thank you for your many years of dedicated service to this school and students. (She keeps talking as it cuts to Marco and Manny) Marco: You dumped Spin because of a dance?! Manny: I didn't dump Spin because we were never going out. Marco: He's heartbroken. You know that right? Manny: So am I. It wasn't working out and we need to move on. Marco: Why? Ms. Hatzilakos: Marco? The um present? Marco: Yeah. Mr. Raditch: Thank you. Thanks. Marco: This is on behalf of all the students here at Degrassi, Mr. Raditch. We're gonna miss you. Mr. Raditch: Thank you. Thanks. (Everyone's clapping) [SCENE_BREAK] In the computer lab (Manny sees that she is paired with Danny and Chester is paired with Darcy so she changes her answers to match Chester's.) At the dance Manny: I have to go home and change so where's my true love-a-gram. (Marco hands her the sheet) Danny?! Danny: Oh Manuella! Manny: I used to baby-sit you. Danny: So let's take it to the next level! Manny: I was supposed to get Chester. (She hits Marco on the shoulder) Marco: First of all, ow! And second, the computer decides Manny. Not you. Manny: (Sees Chester and Darcy dancing) Why would she do this to me?! Marco: Why would you do this to Spin? Manny: Excuse me?! Marco: He loves you okay?! And I know you care about him so stop being afraid of what happened last year with Craig and just take a chance! You needed to hear it from someone. Manny: And you need to get over yourself! (Walks over to Chester and Darcy.) Manny: Hey! Congrats on the kismet. Darcy: Um, hey Manny. Manny: Hey. So Chester I owe you. Your theme...You wanna dance? Chester: You're right. Darcy: I'm just gonna get a bag of chips. Do you want anything Chester? Chester: No I'm fine as is. (Manny and Chester start dancing.) Back at the entrance of the dance Paige: Partner me, Del Rossi. Matt: So who's the lucky guy? Paige: Isn't that odd. It's you! And uh, who did you get Mr. O? Matt: I'm not a student. I didn't participate Paige. (He walks away) Paige: What do I do?! Marco: Don't ask me. As of now Paige, you're fresh out of Marco's favors. Back in the dance (Spinner comes up behind Manny and hugs her.) Spinner: I was at the Dot and I thought I can clear plates anywhere, but where do I order me another Manny? Manny: I told you... Spinner: I know, I know. I should have taken the night off, plus given you a real reason why I want us to be official. I want you to be my girlfriend because we have fun, because you make me happy and I want you to be my girlfriend because I can't imagine it any other way. Manny: You're on the rebound. Spinner: That doesn't mean anything. Manny: It means everything! Rebounds never work out so we end it now before either of us get hurt. Chester: I thought you'd want the pink pop. Spinner: She doesn't know what she wants. (Spinner walks away and Manny & Chester are dancing when her song comes on.) Manny: Do you love this song?! I love it. Chester: It's a bit Britney, but uh sure. (Manny starts busting a move...really badly (lol) and everyone starts laughing at her.) Chester: Let's go get some air or something! Manny: Okay as soon as this song ends! (She keeps dancing) Chester: I'm gonna go now. Uh meet me in the hall with the stripes. Ms. Hatzilakos: There you are! Thanks for all your work tonight. Such a success! In the hallway Matt: Why are you acting like this? Paige: Why do you care? You're only my teacher remember! Matt: If you're gonna behave like this... Paige: What you'll give me a detention?! Matt: Stop trying to provoke me Paige. Paige: Stop acting like a jealous boyfriend. You either like me or you don't! (He leans in to kiss her and Manny interrupts them.) Manny: I'm sorry. Sorry for... (He walks away.) Paige: Matt! In another hallway Chester: Manny. There you are. Look I'm sorry about the dance floor. Everyone was watching and- Manny: So? Chester: I don't know. I get embarrassed. Manny: I'm sorry for being embarrassing. Chester: No I didn't mean that. Can we just start again? (He kisses her and she pulls back) Manny: What am I doing? Chester: It's okay. Let's just go back to the dance. Manny: I'm sorry Chester. Chester: It's 'cause I'm the new kid on the block? Manny: No. No. You're a nice guy. It's just... I have a boyfriend. Chester: Welcome to Degrassi. Outside Paige: Matt! Matt: Go home Paige. You've already caused enough damage tonight. Paige: I'm sorry. Matt: No you know I'm sorry... I shouldn't have been... Paige: We were both there and I understand if you can't do this. (Matt leans in and kisses her.) Paige: Matt... Matt: Okay. Well we can't get caught. Not again. But we have to meet off school grounds. Paige: Like this bus stop. It's technically city property and at Degrassi we're totally normal. Matt: Totally. Till you turn... Paige: It's not so long at all. Outside the Dot Manny: You were wrong earlier when you said I didn't know what I wanted. Spinner: Okay. Manny: Last year with Craig, what he did to me and how he treated me, it hurt. So much. So what I want is to never ever feel that way again. Spinner: Okay. Manny: You have to promise me, promise me that you'll never ever break my heart. Spinner: Okay? Manny: No, not okay Spin. Promise me. Spinner: I promise. I will never hurt you. Manny: Yes. (They kiss.) Scenes for next week JT: Three beauties. Three beauties! Emma! (Emma is backstage and Jay is rubbing her shoulder/arm) Emma: (on stage) Sorry! We are ravenous- Emma: (to the camera) The play's the thing, but for me, the real drama is backstage. Spike: Stop letting friends over, no dates. Voiceover: In the aftermath of the shooting. Spike: Are you okay? Voiceover: Emma's found herself in a dark place. Emma: What's in the van?! Jay: (fastening a bracelet around Emma's wrist in the van) Hey every player gets a prize. (Emma is shown leaving the van and running away.)	Plan: A: Chester; Q: Who is the new guy at school that Manny is attracted to? A: Spinner; Q: Who is Manny wondering if is the right guy for her? A: Paige; Q: Who tries to get partnered up with Mr. Oleander? Summary: Manny is attracted to Chester, a new guy at school, and soon wonders if Spinner is the right guy for her. Meanwhile, Paige tries to get partnered up with Mr. Oleander, and it seems he's also interested in her.
In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. The Bronze at night. Cut inside to Xander and Willow sitting at a table. Xander: You know how I feel about you. It's, uh, pretty obvious, isn't it? There's never been anyone else for me... but you. And we're good friends, and it's time to take the next step. Willow is listening to him dreamily. Xander: Would you, um... date me? Oh that's good! Date me! It's terrible, right? Willow: (comes back to earth) Huh? Oh, no! Oh, yes, 'date me' is silly... Xander: See, what I should do is I should just start with talking about the dance. (clears his throat) Y'know, Buffy, Spring Fling just isn't any dance. It's a time for students to choose, um... a mate and then we can... observe their... mating rituals and tag them before they migrate. Just kill me! Willow: You're doing fine! Xander: Why's it so hard? I should just walk up to her and say, 'Hey, I like you. Let's go to the dance together.' Willow: Direct and to the point. Xander: I'm ready. I wanna do it now. I gotta do it now. Willow: Oh, Buffy's not here. You can practice on me some more. Xander: No, no, I can't wait until tomorrow, I-I'll be thinking about it too much. Why didn't Buffy show up tonight? What's she doing? Willow: Oh, you know, the usual. Cut to the park. A car is parked in the distance with its windows all fogged up. Buffy comes falling into the field of view in slow motion and hits the ground hard on her back and exhales. Cut inside the car. Cordelia breaks off her kiss with Kevin. Cordelia: What was that? Kevin: What was what? Cut outside. Buffy props herself up. A vampire approaches her and growls. Cut inside the car. Cordelia: Someone's out there. Kevin: That's silly! Who would be out there? Cut outside. Buffy rolls in a reverse somersault and comes up standing, ready to fight. The vampire growls at her. She pulls a stake out from under her jacket behind her back and holds it pointing out from her hips so the vampire can see. He frowns at the sight of it as Buffy puts on an evil smile. This infuriates the vampire and he launches himself at her. She hits him with an out-to-in crescent kick, and then follows up with a high front snap kick, stunning him. She immediately plunges the stake home, and he falls over backward and bursts into ashes when he hits the ground. Buffy: Three in one night. Giles would be so proud. Cut to the roof of the library. The camera pans over to the skylight and looks in. Giles is at the table researching. He gets up and goes into his office to make some tea. Cut to Giles' office. He sits down at his desk with his cup of tea and reads the text of the Codex. Giles: Ho korias phanaytie toutay... tay nuktee. 'The Master shall rise...' Yes, yes, this is it! 'The Master shall rise, and the Slayer...' (looks up in disbelief) My God! He considers what he's just read for a moment and then reaches for his tea. The cup begins to jiggle, and he looks at it curiously. A few seconds later the whole building begins to shake, and he realizes he's experiencing his first earthquake. He gets up and looks around at everything shaking. His teacup vibrates off of the desk and smashes to pieces on the floor. Cut to the Bronze. The people panic. Xander grabs Willow and guides her away. Xander: Under the stairs! Under the stairs! They get under the stairs, and Willow grabs onto a step from underneath to steady herself. Someone rushing down the stairs nearly steps on her fingers, and she yelps as she pulls her hand back. Cut to Cordelia's car. She and Kevin hold on as they ride out the quake. Cut outside. Buffy looks around her at the shaking trees. Car alarms are going off everywhere. Cut to the library. Giles comes out of his office and sees several bookshelves fall over as the walls and the floor sustain severe damage. Cut to the Master's lair. He stands with his arms stretched out above him. Master: Yes! YES! Shake, Earth! This is a sign! We are in the final days! My time has come! Glory! GLORY! The quake is over as quickly as it started. The Master looks over at Collin. Master: Whadaya think? 5.1? Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ The library. Giles comes out of his office and walks over to the cage. Buffy comes in. Buffy: Morning! She looks around at all the damage. Giles looks at her like he's just seen a ghost. Buffy: Wow. The damage looks fairly structural. Are we safe in here? Giles: Buffy! Buffy: What? Do I have something on my face? (pats her face) Giles: No! Uh, and, and yes, we're, we're safe. (indicates the stacks) Uh, but probably best not to go up there. Buffy: How're you doin' there, Giles? Get much sleep last night? Giles: Um... I-I-I've been working. Buffy: Me, too. I went hunting last night, and it is awfully sweet of you to ask. It's getting hairy out there, Giles. I killed three vampires last night, and one of them was practically on school grounds. Giles: Their numbers are increasing. Buffy: And they're getting cockier. Look, I'm not loving it. Last night was a pretty close call. Giles: (distracted) Yes. Buffy: Giles, care? I'm putting my life on the line battling the undead. Look, I broke a nail, okay? I'm wearing a press-on. The least you could do is exhibit some casual interest. You could go, 'hmm'. Giles: (still distracted) Hmm? Oh, sorry. Um, yes, I'm very glad that you're alright. Uh, I-I need to verify, um... I just can't really talk right now. Buffy: Fine. That's okay. I can't put it off any longer. I have to meet my terrible fate. Giles: (turns around quickly) What?! Buffy: Biology. The bell rings as Buffy leaves the library to go to class. Giles watches her go. Cut outside after class. Buffy, Xander and Willow come out of the doors onto the balcony and head down the stairs. Buffy: (exhales) Wow. That was boring. Xander: I don't feel that boring covers it. Buffy: No, boring falls short. Willow: Even I was bored. And I'm a science nerd. Buffy: Don't say that. Willow: I'm not ashamed. It's the computer age. Nerds are in. They're still in, right? Xander: Willow, don't you have a thing? Willow: A thing? (remembers) The thing! That I have! Which is... a thing that I have to go to. They reach the bottom of the stairs. Willow: See ya later. (waves and departs) Buffy: What on earth is her deal? Xander: Uh, she's Willow. (laughs) So, uh, Buffy, I wanted to, um... There was this thing I wanted to ask you, to talk to you about. Buffy: Okay, what's up? Xander: Uh, let's go over here and sit. He leads her over to a bench. Buffy: Okay, now you're making me nervous. Xander: Oh, no, no, there's nothing to be nervous about. Really, it's silly. Ha, ha! (laughs nervously) They reach the bench, but a boy is sitting there. Xander: (to the boy) Hey. (the boy looks up) Leave. (the boy leaves) Thanks. (they sit) Buffy: Well? Xander: Um... You know, Buffy, uh, Spring Fling is a... time for students to gather and... Oh, God! (takes a breath) Buffy, I want you to go to the dance with me. You and me, on a date. Buffy: (speechless) I-I don't know what to say. Xander: Well, you're not laughing. So that's a good start. Buffy, I like you. A lot. And I know we're friends, and we've had experiences... We've fought some blood-sucking fiends, and that's all been a good time. But I want more. I wanna dance with you. Buffy: Xander, you're one of my best friends. You and Willow... Xander: Well, Willow's not looking to date you. Or if she is, she's playing it pretty close to the chest. (laughs nervously) Buffy: I don't want to spoil the friendship that we have. Xander: Well, I don't want to spoil it either. But that's not the point, is it? You either feel a thing or you don't. Buffy: (looks down a moment, then back up) I don't. Xander, I'm, I'm sorry. I-I just don't think of you that way. Xander: Well, try. I'll wait. (smiles weakly) Buffy: Xander... Xander: Nah. Forget it. (gets up) I'm not him. I mean, I guess a guy's gotta be undead to make time with you. Buffy: That's really harsh. Xander: Look, I'm sorry. I don't handle rejection well. Funny! Considering all the practice I've had, huh? Buffy: Xander, I'm sorry, I don't know... Xander: You know what? Let's just not. He goes into the building with his head hung low. Buffy exhales, bummed. She turns and watches him leave. Cut to the library. Giles is on the phone. Giles: Hello. Uh, this is Giles. Uh... Uh, Rupert Giles. Ms. Calendar walks in and stands by his office door. Giles: (into the phone) I-I need to see you. No, I-I realize that. Uh... Come after sundown. Good. I'll see you then. (hangs up) Ms. Calendar: You know, that outfit looks just like the one you wore yesterday. Only wrinklier. Were you here all night? Giles: Sorry, uh... I'm not really up to, uh, socializing just now. Ms. Calendar: Something's going on, Rupert, and I'm guessing you already know what it is. Giles: (turns around and gets up) What do you know? Ms. Calendar: Well, I have been surfing the 'Net, looking for unexplained incidents. You know, people are always sending stuff my way. They know the occult's my turf. Now, here is the latest. A cat last week gave birth to a litter of snakes. A family was swimming in Whisper Lake when the lake suddenly began to boil. And Mercy Hospital last night, a boy was born with his eyes facing inward. I'm not stupid. This is apocalypse stuff. And throw in last night's earthquake, and I'd say we've got a problem. I would say the end is pretty seriously nigh. Giles: I don't know if I can trust you. Ms. Calendar: I helped you cast that demon out of the Internet. I think that merits some trust. Look, I'm scared, okay? Oh, plus, I've got this, this crazy monk e-mailing me from Cortona about some Anointed One? Giles: The Anointed One? He's dead! Ms. Calendar: Someone's dead? Giles: Uh, who is this monk? Ms. Calendar: Uh, a brother Luca something? Keeps sending out global mailings about a prophecy. Giles: I need you to talk to him, find out everything he knows. Ms. Calendar: Look, Rupert, you haven't told me jack, so what's with the order? Giles: Just do it! I'll e-explain later. Ms. Calendar: You better. Cut to the halls. Kevin: I'll get everything tonight after practice. The guys'll help me. Cordelia: Well, it's all in the A-V room. The sound system, and the decorations... And, oh, Aura needs help, um, moving the coolers. Kevin: Don't sweat it! Cordelia: Well, bring everything to the Bronze, and I'll meet you there in the morning! Kevin: Done! Cordelia: (giggles) You're so sweet! Why're you so sweet? Kevin: I dunno! 'Cause I'm usually mean as a snake! She smiles at him. She spots Willow. Cordelia: Willow! (to Kevin) I'll see you in the morning. Kevin: Okay. (leaves) Cordelia: Willow! I really like your outfit! Willow: No, you don't. Cordelia: No, I really don't, but I need a favor. Willow: What kind? Cordelia: Well, the Bronze won't let us use their sound system, and I need someone who knows how to hook one up. If you could just show up tomorrow morning... Willow sees Xander throwing a ball against the wall in a classroom. Cordelia: ...I'd be really, really grateful! I mean, I'd talk to you at the dance and everything. Willow: Sure. (looks back at Xander) Cordelia: Great! Tomorrow at ten? Willow: Sure. She goes over to Xander in the room. Willow: Hey! Xander: Hey! (throws the ball) Willow: How'd it go? Xander: (throws the ball) On a scale of one to ten? It sucked. (throws the ball) Willow: Oh. Xander: Well, I guess it could be worse. (throws the ball) I could have gangrene on my face. (throws the ball) Willow: Well, what'd she say? Xander: Apart from 'no', does it really matter? She's still jonesin' for Angel, and could care less about me. Willow: At least now you know. Xander: Yeah, you're right. The deal's done. The polls are in, and it's time for my concession speech. (has an idea and brightens) Hey, I know what we'll do! We can go! Be my date! We'll, we'll have a great time! We'll dance, we'll go wild... Whadaya say? Willow: No. Xander: Good! What? Willow: There's no way. Xander: (exhales) Willow, come on! Willow: You think I wanna go to the dance with you and watch you wish you were at the dance with her? You think that's my idea of hijinks? You should know better. Xander: (exhales) I didn't think. Willow: I'm sorry it didn't work out for you. I'll see you on Monday. (leaves) Xander: That's okay. I don't wanna go. I'm just gonna go home, lie down and listen to country music. The music of pain. He throws the ball again and lets it bounce wild. Cut outside the school at night. Cut to the girls' locker room. Buffy shuts her gym locker. Two girls walk by chatting. Buffy plays with a stake as she heads to the sinks and puts it down on one. She looks at herself in the mirror and absently turns on the water. After looking in the mirror another moment she looks down and sees that blood is pouring from the faucet. Cut to the library. Buffy comes in. Buffy: (to herself) Giles, you are not gonna believe this. She stops when she hears Giles talking and looks into his office. Giles: It's clear. It's what's gonna happen. Uh, it's happening now! Angel moves into the light to read the Codex, and Buffy sees him. Buffy: Angel? She heads toward the office. Angel: It can't be. You've gotta be wrong. Giles: I've checked it against all my other volumes. It's very real. Buffy stops at the door. Angel: Well, there's gotta be some way around it. Giles: Listen. Some prophecies are, are a bit dodgy. They're, they're mutable. Buffy herself has, has thwarted them time and time again, but this is the Codex. There is nothing in it that does not come to pass. Angel: Then you're reading it wrong. Giles: I wish to God I were! But it's very plain! Tomorrow night Buffy will face the Master, and she will die. Buffy is stunned. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ Giles' office. Angel: Well, have you verified the text? Buffy begins to laugh. Angel and Giles see her and exchange a look. She slowly starts to walk away from the office door. Angel comes out of the office after her. She stops by the table and faces them. Giles stands in his office doorway. Buffy: So that's it, huh? I remember the drill. One Slayer dies, next one's called! Wonder who she is. (to Giles) Will you train her? Or will they send someone else? Giles: Buffy, I... Buffy: They say how he's gonna kill me? Do you think it'll hurt? Tears are flowing freely from her eyes. Angel tries to hug her, but she puts up her hands and quickly steps away. Buffy: Don't touch me! (to Giles) Were you even gonna tell me? Giles: I was hoping that I wouldn't have to. That there was... some way around it. I... Buffy: I've got a way around it. I quit! Angel: It's not that simple. Buffy: I'm making it that simple! I quit! I resign, I-I'm fired, you can find someone else to stop the Master from taking over! Giles: I'm not sure that anyone else can. All the... the signs indicate... Buffy: The signs? (throws a book at him) READ ME THE SIGNS! (throws another one) TELL ME MY FORTUNE! YOU'RE SO USEFUL SITTING HERE WITH ALL YOUR BOOKS! YOU'RE REALLY A LOTTA HELP! Giles: No, I don't suppose I am. Angel: I know this is hard. Buffy: What do you know about this? You're never gonna die! Angel: You think I want anything to happen to you? Do you think I could stand it? We just gotta figure out a way... Buffy: I already did. I quit, remember? Pay attention! Giles: Buffy, if the Master rises... Buffy: (yanks the cross from her neck) I don't care! (calms down) I don't care. Giles, I'm sixteen years old. I don't wanna die. Giles is at a loss. Buffy throws her cross down. Angel doesn't know what to say either. She walks out of the library without looking back. Cut to Willow's room. She's at her desk studying. She looks up at a picture of her and Xander and sighs. She picks up the phone and dials his number. Cut to Xander's room. "I Fall to Pieces", by Patsy Cline, is playing on the radio. Lyrics: I fall to pieces The phone rings. Xander lifts it off the hook, lets it drop back on the hook and then takes it off the hook completely. Lyrics: Each time I see you again Cut to Buffy's room. She's looking through a photo album. Jonatha Brooke's "Inconsolable" is playing on the radio. Her mother comes in. Lyrics: I never knew what enough was Joyce: Hi, honey. You alright? Lyrics: Until I'd had more than my share Buffy: Sure. Joyce: Probably just full from that bite of dinner you nearly had. Lyrics: I let the darkness in Joyce: Feel like telling me what's on your mind? Lyrics: And it was then I lost the dare Buffy: (turns to her mom) Mom, let's go away! (smiles) Joyce: What? Buffy: Anywhere, just for a while, all weekend! Joyce: Honey, I... Buffy: No, it'll be great! You and me, a mother-daughter thing... We can talk about all the embarrassing things you love to bring up. Joyce: You know the gallery's open on weekends. Buffy: Mom, please! Joyce: Isn't the Prom tomorrow night? Or Spring Fling, whatever they're calling it? Buffy: I-I guess. Joyce: Nobody asked you? Buffy: Oh, someone... Joyce: But not the right someone. See, sometimes I actually do know what you're thinking. (goes over to Buffy's closet) Well, then, uh, this probably isn't the best time for this, but, uh... She opens the closet to reveal a beautiful white sleeveless gown. Joyce: I saw you eyeing it at the store. I figured... Buffy: (gets up) Mom, we can't afford this. Joyce: The way you've been eating, we can afford it. Buffy: (comes over to look at it) It's beautiful. Joyce: I think you should wear it. To the dance. Buffy: No, I-I can't go to the dance. Joyce: Says who? Is it written somewhere? You should do what you want. Homecoming, my freshman year of college. I didn't have a date, so I got dressed up and I went anyway. Buffy: Was it awful? Joyce: It was awful. For about an hour. Buffy: Then what happened? Joyce: (smiles) I met your father. Buffy: He didn't have a date either? Joyce: He did. And that's a much funnier story that you will not get to hear. Oh, but it was a beautiful night! (exhales) Buffy: And you had your whole life ahead of you. Joyce: Yeah. Buffy: Must be nice. Cut to the school the next day. Cut inside to the halls. Cordelia and Willow are coming down the stairs. Cordelia: Oh, Kevin said that he'd bring everything to the Bronze last night. He promised! We'll never get everything ready in time. Willow: He probably forgot. It's not that big a deal. Cordelia: Uh, you don't understand. I'm not mad! He totally flaked on me. On me! And I don't even care. God help me, I think it's cute! Oh... Willow smiles. They reach the Audio-Visual room. They see Kevin and his friends through the windows. Cordelia: There they are! They're watching cartoons. That's so cu... That's not cute. That's annoying. I'm annoyed. Willow: Right. I'm furious. Cordelia: Men. I don't know why we put up with them. Willow: I hear ya. Cut to a view of the door from inside the room. Kevin is sitting on the floor leaning against it. The room is trashed and the boys are all dead. Cordelia: Obviously, Kevin has underestimated the power of my icy stare. She opens the door, and Kevin's body falls out into the hall. He has a vampire bite on his neck. Cordelia: (screams) Oh, my God! Kevin! (kneels by him) No! Willow looks up and slowly goes into the room. She sees the death and devastation. Cordelia: Kevin! There's a bloody handprint on the TV screen. Cut to Buffy's room. She's wearing her new white prom gown, and is looking at herself in the mirror. Her mom comes rushing in. Joyce: Buffy?! There's something on the news. Willow. Cut to a view of the sunset. Willow: I've seen so much. Cut to her room. She's on the bed hugging her knees. She's been crying. Willow: I thought I could take anything. But, Buffy, this... this was different. Buffy: It'll be alright. Willow: I'm trying to think how to say it... to explain it so you understand. Buffy: It doesn't matter as long as you're okay. Willow: I'm not okay. I knew those guys. I go to that room every day. And when I walked in there, it... it wasn't our world anymore. They made it theirs. And they had fun. (a tear rolls down her cheek) What are we gonna do? Buffy: What we have to. (gets up and exhales) Promise me you'll stay in tonight, okay? Willow nods. Buffy starts to go. Willow: Buffy? Buffy stops and turns back. Willow: (smiles through her tears) I like your dress. Buffy looks down at it and smiles weakly, then looks back up. Buffy: Take care. (leaves) Willow looks down sadly and stays on her bed. Cut to the Master's lair. He tests his confines as Collin watches. Master: Soon. He sends Collin on his way to get Buffy. Collin climbs up to the exit. Master: Soon! Cut to the library. Giles is getting weapons out of the cage and prepares them. Ms. Calendar: Okay, so this Master guy tried to open the Hellmouth. But he got stuck in it, and now all the signs are reading that he's gonna get out, which opens the Hellmouth, which brings the demons, which ends the world. Giles: Yes. That about sums it up, yes. Ms. Calendar: The part that gets me, though, is where Buffy is the Vampire Slayer. She's so little. Giles: You know how to get in touch with this, uh, brother Luca chap? Ms. Calendar: Hmm. As far as I can tell, no one can. He's disappeared. Did send out one last global though. A short one. Giles: What did it say? Ms. Calendar: Isaiah 11:6, which I dutifully looked up. Giles: 'The wolf shall live with the lamb, the leopard shall lie down with the kid, the calf, the lion and the fatling together, and the little child to lead them.' Ms. Calendar: That's kinda warm and fuzzy for a message of doom. Giles: Well, that depends where he's leading them to. Aurelius wrote of the Anointed One, 'The Slayer will not know him, and he will lead her into Hell.' Ms. Calendar: So Luca thinks the Anointed is a kid. Giles: If the vampire that Buffy killed was in fact not the Anointed, then it may well be. Ms. Calendar: Well, then we need to warn her. Giles: I don't intend involving her at all. Ms. Calendar: What do you mean? Giles: Buffy's not gonna face the Master. I am. Buffy: No, you're not. Giles and Ms. Calendar look over and see her approaching. Buffy: So, I'm looking for a kid, huh? And he'll lead me to the Master? Giles: Buffy, I'm not gonna send you out there to die. Now, you were right. I-I've waded around in these old books for so long, I've forgotten what the real world is like. I-it's time I found out. Buffy: You're still not going up against the Master. Giles: I've made up my mind. Buffy: So have I. Giles: I made up my mine first! I'm older and wiser than you, and just... just do what you're told for once! Alright? Buffy: That's not how it goes. I'm the Slayer. Giles: I don't care what the books say. I defy prophecy, and I am going. There's nothing you can say will change my mind. Buffy: I know. She pretends to turn to go, but then throws a hard punch to his face, knocking him out. He falls backward to the floor. Ms. Calendar scrambles to his aid. Buffy sees her cross on the table and puts it back on. Ms. Calendar lifts Giles' head in her hands and gets under it with her knees. She looks up at Buffy. Buffy: When he wakes up tell him... I don't know. Think of something cool, tell him I said it. Ms. Calendar: You fight the Master, and you'll die. Buffy: Maybe. (picks up the crossbow) Maybe I'll take him with me. She leaves the library. Ms. Calendar turns her attention to Giles. Cut outside the school. Buffy walks a short distance, looking all around, when she comes upon Collin. Collin: Help me... She lowers the crossbow and walks over to him. Buffy: It's okay. I know who you are. Collin holds out his hand. She takes it, and he starts to lead her away to the Master. [SCENE_BREAK] ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ The library. Willow and Xander are there, and have found out that Buffy has gone to fight the Master. Xander: She what? Willow: I told you there was something going on with her. Xander: And she knew about this prophecy of yours? (Giles nods) Aw, man, what do we do? Giles: We stay calm, first thing. Xander: Calm? Willow: I think he's right. Xander: I'm sorry, calm may work for Locutus of the Borg here, (indicates Giles) but I'm freaked out, and I intend to stay that way. Willow: Xander... Xander: How could you let her go? Giles: As the soon-to-be-purple area of my jaw will attest, I did not let her go! Willow: Well, how can we help her? Ms. Calendar: Uh, I'm sorry to bring this up, but we also have an apocalypse to worry about? Xander: Do you mind? Willow: How come she's in the club? Ms. Calendar: Hey! Once the Master gets free, the Hellmouth opens, the demons come to party, and everybody dies. Xander: Uh, uh, I don't care. I'm sorry, I don't. Right now I gotta help Buffy. Giles: We don't even know where she's gone. Xander: No. But I can find out. Cut to the tunnels. Collin guides Buffy in. She has the crossbow up and ready. He leads her down some stairs and into a round side tunnel. Cut to Angel's apartment. There's knocking at the door and Angel comes to answer, wondering who it could be. Angel: Oh. Look who's here. Xander: Mind if I come in? (comes in) Angel: (closes the door) Make yourself at home. Xander: She's gone. Angel: Whadaya mean? Xander: Buffy, she's gone to fight the Master. Angel: He'll kill her. Xander: Rumor has it. Only we're not gonna let it happen. Angel: Well, what do you propose we do about it? Xander: Look, I know you can find this Master guy. He's underground, right? Take me to him. Angel: You're way outta your league, kid. The Master'll kill you before you can even breathe. If you're lucky. Xander: How can I say this clearly? He holds up a cross. Angel growls. Xander advances toward him, and he backs off until he falls onto the couch. Xander: I don't like you. At the end of the day, I pretty much think you're a vampire. (lowers the cross) But Buffy's got this big old yen for you. She thinks you're a real person. And right now I need you to prove her right. Angel: You're in love with her. Xander: Aren't you? Cut to the library. Giles comes out of the stacks with an armful of books. Giles: The Master is as old as any vampire on record. There's no telling how powerful he'll be if he reaches the surface. Ms. Calendar: Okay, here's my question: the Hellmouth opens. Giles: Yes. Ms. Calendar: Where? If he's underground, and it's right where he is, where's it gonna open? Giles: Good point. Uh, well, look, you have a look through the Black Chronicles... (hands her one of the books) Ms. Calendar: Okay. Giles: Uh, Willow? Willow? Willow: Huh? Giles: (sits down at the table) Could you look through the local histories, please. Check for any common denominators, uh, locations of incidences and such. Willow: Right, okay. Cut to the entrance of the Master's lair. Collin stops, and Buffy looks at him. He points down below, inviting her to enter, and leaves the way they came. Buffy watches him go. Then she turns and makes her way down to the floor below. She looks around. There are hundreds of candles burning everywhere. Master: Welcome. The Master's voice seems to be coming from all directions. Buffy: Thanks for having me. The Master steps into the light to look at her. Buffy: Y'know, you really oughtta talk to your contractor. Looks like you got some water damage. Master: Oh, good. The feeble banter portion of the fight. Why don't we just cut to the... Buffy spins around and launches a bolt in the direction of his voice. With his lightning reflexes the Master catches it in mid-flight right in front of him at chest level. Buffy quickly reloads the bow. Master: Nice shot. Cut to the tunnels. Xander and Angel reach an intersection and stop. Angel looks in both directions, trying to remember the way. He remembers and walks past Xander. Angel: (quietly) This way. (looks at Xander) What? Xander: You were looking at my neck. Angel: What? Xander: You were checking out my neck! I saw that! (starts following) Angel: No, I wasn't! Xander: Just keep your distance, pal. Angel: I wasn't looking at your neck! Xander: I told you to eat before we left. Cut to the Master's lair. Master: You're not going to kill me with that thing. Buffy: Don't be so sure. Master: You still don't understand your part in all this, do you? You are not the hunter. You are the lamb. Cut to the library. Giles and Ms. Calendar are at the table studying their volumes. Giles: Well, let's think about this, then. The vampires have been gathering, they know he's coming, they will be his army. Ms. Calendar: Do you think they'll gather at the Hellmouth? Willow: Well, the last time the Master tried to rise was the Harvest. He sent a bunch of vampires to get him fresh blood. Ms. Calendar: Well, where did that go down? Giles: The Bronze. Willow: The Prom! Giles: We have to warn them. Ms. Calendar: (stops Giles) No! We'll go. You have to concentrate on demon killing. My car's in the lot. Willow and Ms. Calendar start out of the library. Giles: Stay close together, and for goodness' sake, be careful! Willow: We will. Cut to the Master's lair. Buffy is slowly walking around, searching for the Master. She comes upon a dead and rotted body. She continues her search. Buffy: You know, for someone who's all powerful, you sure do like to hide. Master: I'm waiting for you. I want this moment to last. Buffy: Well, I don't. She searches for a few moments longer, then the Master suddenly comes to stand right behind her. Master: I understand. She turns around and the Master knocks the crossbow out of her hands. He grabs her by the neck. Cut to the school parking lot. Ms. Calendar digs in her bag for her keys as she and Willow head for her car. Willow: What if they get to the Bronze before we do? (looks behind them) Ms. Calendar: (looks up and stops) Don't need to worry about that! Willow: (catches up) Why not? Ms. Calendar: 'Cause they're not goin' to the Bronze. They look out onto the field and see a hoard of vampires approaching. They look across the parking lot and see more of them. They turn to go back and see even more of them blocking their way. They're surrounded. Cut to the Master's lair. He has his hand around Buffy's throat. She swings up with her arm, knocks his hand away and starts to run. He holds his hand out toward her and she freezes, caught by his hypnotic powers. She looks back at him and can't move. He approaches her, making slow twisting motions with his hand. He comes up behind her, gently takes off her leather jacket and lets it fall to the ground. Buffy is panting hard with fear. Master: You tried. It was noble of you. You heard the prophecy that I was about to break free and you came to stop me. But prophecies are tricky creatures. They don't tell you everything. (whispers) You're the one that sets me free! (gloats) If you hadn't come, I couldn't go. (whispers) Think about that! Buffy is frozen with fear. The Master waits a moment longer and then bends down and bites her at the base of her neck. He drinks a few sips and lets her go. Master: Oh, God! The power! Buffy falls to her knees. Master: And by the way... She falls face down into the pool of water. Master: I like your dress. He steps over to the edge of his confines and pushes against the field. He forces his hand through, and his confines break down in a burst of light and energy. He starts up and out of his lair. Cut to the tunnels. Angel and Xander see the light coming out of an adjoining tunnel. Xander: What was that? Angel: It's too late. He's gone up. They break into a run for the Master's lair. Angel gets there first, looks around and spots Buffy. He scrambles down to the floor and rushes to her as Xander reaches the lair's entrance. Xander stops and stares at Buffy in the pool. Angel reaches her and quickly pulls her out of the water. He holds her and tries to listen for breathing. Nothing. He looks up at Xander. Angel: She's dead! Xander looks down at them and swallows hard. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ The Master's lair. Xander comes down to Angel and Buffy. Xander: No. She's not dead. Angel: She's not breathing. Xander: But if she drowned, uh, there's a shot! CPR! Angel: You have to do it. I have no breath. Xander takes off his jacket and lays it over her. He kneels down by her face and looks at her a moment, then puts his mouth on hers and blows into her lungs. He lets go and begins to pump her chest. Xander: C'mon. C'mon! Cut to the school parking lot. The vampires are advancing on Willow and Ms. Calendar. Ms. Calendar: Why are they coming here? Willow: Not caring! They hear a car screech to a stop behind them. Cordelia: Get in! Cut to the Master's lair. Xander breathes into her lungs again and continues to pump her chest. Xander: C'mon! Breathe! Breathe! Angel looks down in sorrow, then looks back up. Xander keeps pumping. Xander: C'mon! After another moment Xander stops pumping. Angel believes her lost. A second later Buffy opens her eyes wide and draws a breath. She lies still for a moment as she looks around with her eyes. Xander: Buffy! She turns her head to the side and coughs out a bunch of water. Xander and Angel look at each other and smile. Xander puts his hand on Buffy's forehead and strokes it gently. She looks up at him, surprised to see him. Xander: Buffy. Buffy: Xander? Xander: Welcome back. Cut to the school parking lot. Ms. Calendar and Willow run into the car. Cordelia: I was sitting where Kevin and I used to park, and all of a sudden these things are coming at me! They all scream as a vampire jumps on top of the car. Ms. Calendar: What do we do now? Willow: We've gotta get to the library! Cordelia: Library! Great! She burns rubber and makes a fast U-turn, throwing the vampire off of the roof of her car, and heads toward the school building. The car's engine races as Cordelia guns it toward the doors. Willow: Of course, we generally walk there. They crash through the doors and into the hall. Cut to the library. Giles hears the noise. Giles: What the... Cut to the halls. The car comes crashing through another set of doors and skids to a stop in front of the library. Cut inside. Giles gets up from the table. Cut to the hall. Vampires are running into the hall as the girls get out of the car, screaming as they run into the library. They push the doors closed just as the vampires get there. Cut inside. They lean against the door. Giles: What's happening? Ms. Calendar: Guess! A vampire punches through the small round window in one of the doors and grabs at them. Giles grabs a bookcase and carries it over to the door. Willow grabs a sign and starts hitting the vampire's arm with it. Giles gets the bookcase in place. He grabs the copier and pulls it over, too. Giles: Why are they coming here?! Cut to a shot of them from the back of the library. A green tentacle is worming its way up through the cracks in the floor. Cut to the roof of the library. The Master opens the roof access door and walks out. He looks at the view around him of the town at night and smiles. He exhales, walks to the edge of the roof and holds his arms out as he surveys the scene. Master: My world! Oh, my beautiful world! Cut to the Master's lair. Xander and Angel help Buffy up. Xander: Easy. Easy. Buffy: (standing now) The Master? Angel: He's gone up. Buffy starts to go. Xander: No. You're still weak. Buffy: (stops) No. No, I feel strong. I feel different. (looks back at them) Let's go! Cut to the library. They pile more things in front of the door. Giles looks at the back of the library and sees vampires trying to get in. Giles: (points) They're coming in through the stacks! Ms. Calendar: (to Willow) C'mon! She and Willow run to the back of the library. Ms. Calendar: The bookshelves! They lift a bookcase against the French doors that lead to the stacks and lean against it. Giles: My office... He goes to secure his office, leaving Cordelia alone at the main doors. The tentacle inches toward Willow's leg. Another vampire punches through the other library door window and grabs Cordelia's arm. She screams. Cordelia: Somebody help! Cut outside. Buffy marches determinedly toward the school with Xander and Angel close behind. Xander: So, how do you know where the Master's going? Buffy: I know. A vampire tries to block their way into the school. Buffy: Oh, look, a bad guy. She punches him on her way by, and he falls flat on his back. Cut inside to the stairs leading to the roof. Buffy comes around the corner in the hall. Buffy: Okay, you two wait here, keep the rest of the vampires off me. Xander: Right. Buffy: Angel, better put on your game face. Angel: (vamped out) I'm ready. Buffy: One way or another, this won't take long. She looks at them both once more and then heads up to the roof. Cut to the library. Cordelia hits the vampire's hand and then bites it. The vampire screams and lets go. Cordelia: See how you like it! Cut to the back. Willow: This won't keep 'em out for long! She looks down and sees the tentacle wrap itself around her ankle and screams loudly. Ms. Calendar grabs hold of her. Ms. Calendar: GILES! GILES! Giles comes running out of his office in time to see a huge, green, multi-headed and tentacled demon burst through the floor. Giles: The Hellmouth! Cordelia can't believe what she's seeing. The creature has three heads and reaches all the way to the ceiling. Cut to the roof. The Master looks in through the skylight and claps his hands idly. Master: Yes. Come forth, my child. Come into my world. Buffy: I don't think it's yours just yet. The Master turns his head and stares at her in surprise. Master: You're dead! Buffy: I may be dead, but I'm still pretty. Which is more than I can say for you. Master: You were destined to die! It was written! Buffy: What can I say? I flunked the written. The Master growls and reaches his arm out to try his hypnosis on her again. Master: Come here! Cut inside the library. Willow screams as the Hellmouth creature tries to drag her away from Ms. Calendar. Ms. Calendar: GIIILES! Giles grabs an ax from the table and rushes up the stairs to their aid. Ms. Calendar: GILES! He swings it into one of the heads, and the creature roars in agony as the women continue to scream. Cut to the roof. Buffy slowly approaches the Master, apparently hypnotized. He grabs her by the throat again. Master: Did you really think you could best me here when you couldn't below? (lets go of her neck) Buffy: (looks at him curiously) You have fruit punch mouth. Master: What? She swings a wide hard punch to his mouth, and he falls down. Buffy: Save the hypnosis crap for the tourists. As he gets up she does a swinging roundhouse kick that connects squarely with his face. He swipes at her and she jerks back, but he manages to slice her with his fingernails across her upper right chest, drawing blood. She punches him in the kidney. He punches her in the jaw. She tries to punch him again, but he blocks her and punches her in the face, sending her flying backward into the wall behind her. Cut inside. Giles swings again with the ax and hits the creature. He tries again, but this time it knocks him off of the mezzanine and onto the large table below. It breaks when Giles hits it, and one side falls over onto its end, leaving a huge spike pointing upward. Cut to the bottom of the stairs. Two vampires attack Angel and Xander. Angel starts to fight the one while the other jumps on Xander's back. He holds his cross up to her and she jumps off. Angel stakes the one he's fighting and Xander punches out the other. Cut to the library. One of the creature's heads hovers above Giles. Another one faces Willow and laughs. Cut to the roof. The Master is ready to continue fighting. Buffy launches herself into a front tuck over his head and lands between him and the skylight. She kicks him in the side with a side snap kick, but he quickly turns around and grabs her by the neck again. Master: Where are your jibes now? She looks behind her and sees the upended table through the skylight. Master: You laugh when my Hell is on Earth? Buffy: You're that amped about Hell... (grabs him by the neck) Go there! She lifts him up and flips him over herself and through the skylight. He falls down and is impaled on the table. He slowly turns to ash until only his skeleton is left. Buffy watches from above. Giles gets up. The Hellmouth creature quickly disappears back into the floor. The vampires are all gone. Cut to the main library doors. Cordelia pushes the last of the junk away from them and pulls the door open for Buffy, Angel and Xander. They all walk over to the Master. Giles: The vampires? Cordelia: Gone. Angel: The Master? Giles: Dead. The Hellmouth is closed. Buffy... Buffy? Buffy: Oh, sorry. It's just been a really weird day. (smiles) Xander: Yeah! Buffy died, and everything! Willow: Wow! Harsh. Giles: I should have known that wouldn't stop you. Buffy smiles up at him again. Ms. Calendar: Well, what do we do now? Giles: I don't know about the rest of you, but I'd like to get out of this place. I don't like the library very much anymore. Xander: Hey! I hear there's a dance at the Bronze tonight. Could be fun. Cordelia: Yeah! Willow: Buffy? Buffy: Sure! We saved the world. I say we party! (looks down at her dress) I mean, I got all pretty. Ms. Calendar: And what about him? (indicates the Master) Buffy: (looks at the Master) He's not going anywhere. Loser. They all start to go and chatter. Buffy trails the group. Giles: (to Ms. Calendar) I'm not dancing, though. Ms. Calendar: We'll see. Willow: (to Angel) You can come with us, Angel. Buffy: I'm hungry. Xander: So what's the story with the car? Cordelia: Oh, that was me, saving the day! Willow: (to Angel) Get something to drink. Buffy: Is anybody else hungry? Willow: (to Angel) Well, no, don't do that. Just hang. Buffy: I'm really, really hungry. Angel hangs back with Buffy. Angel: By the way, I really like your dress. Buffy: Yeah, yeah. Big hit with everyone. The camera pans back and up for a shot of the Master's skeleton from above.	Plan: A: Buffy; Q: Who quits Slaying when a prophecy predicted she would die in battle? A: Slaying; Q: What does Buffy quit when a prophecy predicts she will die in battle? A: the Master; Q: Who opens the Hellmouth? A: the Master and the Anointed One; Q: Who does Buffy quit Slaying because she was told she would die in battle? A: her fear; Q: What does Buffy put aside when she enters the fray? A: terms; Q: What does Buffy enter the fray on her own timetable and what? A: the Hellmouth; Q: What does the Master open when he kills the Slayer? Summary: Buffy quits Slaying when a prophecy predicts she will die in battle against the Master and the Anointed One , but soon puts aside her fear and enters the fray on her own timetable and terms. In fulfillment of prophecy, the Master indeed kills the Slayer and opens the Hellmouth, but learns too late that Buffy is resilient, unpredictable-and lethal.
"The Girl in Suite 2103" [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to inside an elevator car. Booth and Brennan are standing inside the elevator as typical elevator music is playing in the background. Booth is swaying to the music a bit as Brennan looks bored.) BRENNAN: (looking at Booth) You like this song? BOOTH: (turning to Brennan) Nobody likes this song. BRENNAN: Well, you're dancing to it. BOOTH: Maybe swaying a little (hums). BRENNAN: And humming. BOOTH: Bones, you know, it's just something that you don in the elevator. BRENNAN: Buddhists say that if we can lose ourselves in the moment without distraction or desire, we experience truth. BOOTH: Why can't you just hum like a normal, happy person? (Elevator door opens and reveals a room that is severely damaged by an explosion.) BRENNAN: (putting on gloves) Not really in the mood. BOOTH: (following Brennan out of the elevator) Ok, here we go. (Various shots of the inside of the room are shown. There are several people milling around looking at the remains and debris etc. Radswell, who is also a little person, approaches them.) RADSWELL: Special Agent Booth, and I'm gonna assume this is Dr. Brennan? BOOTH: (in a weary tone) Bones, Alex Radswell, he's, uh, from State Department. BRENNAN: Why'd you say it like that? RADSWELL: Booth believes the State Department was put on Earth to protect bad guys from the FBI. BRENNAN: (shining her flashlight around) I count three dead? RADSWELL: Four. There's one behind the bar. Already ID'd as the bartender. This was a cocktail party after a conference on drug trafficking in South America. The keynote speaker was Colombian judicial attaché Dolores Ramos. BRENNAN: Did she survive? RADSWELL: Minor burns, smoke inhalation. She'll be fine. Luck of the draw. BRENNAN: (to Booth) You seem uncomfortable. Does his size make you self-conscious? (pointing to Radswell) BOOTH: Bones. BRENNAN: It's a condition-skeletal dysplasia. Pseudoachondroplasia or S.E.D. congenita? BOOTH: Bones! BRENNAN: What? RADSWELL: Dr. Brennan, I can see that you're a straightforward person and as much as I appreciate that quality, what you're asking me is neither your business nor relevant. BRENNAN: But it's my business because I'm a forensic anthropologist. But, you're right, it's not relevant. BOOTH: So, what happened here? Bomb? RADSWELL: (pointing into the room) The blast came from the room next door. Your people are working on the cause right now. CAM: (entering from the other room) I'm betting Colombian drug types, they just love blowing people up. RADSWELL: Before she was attached to the embassy, Dolores Ramos was a prosecutor in Bogota. She had plenty of enemies in the cartels. BOOTH: You ID anyone else beside the bartender? RADSWELL: Hector Madure, (points to body) Chief of police from Quito, Ecuador. CAM: (holding up a photo) I brought you in to confirm the identity of his wife. She's the extra crispy one. (Brennan heads over to the body.) RADSWELL: (points to another remain) Father Gabriel Ruiz, he ran a drug program for kids in Bogota. BOOTH: Well, you know, it's a big score for the drug cartels. Anyone of these people, you know, make a good target. RADSWELL: (leaving) I'm gonna check on the conditions of the survivors, you need anything, just holler. BOOTH: Will do. (Brennan is comparing the skeleton with a photo of the woman she was given.) BOOTH: What do you got, Bones? BRENNAN: Female, mid 40s. Bone structure fits this picture of Constanza Madure pretty closely. Dental work will confirm. (looks around the body) The debris embedded in the remains suggests an explosion. BOOTH: So does that giant hole in the wall there. BRENNAN: (looks at something on the ground nearby) Part of the navicular. Top of the left foot...not hers. There are other bone shards scattered here. BOOTH: Ooooh, you mean like, extra bits? BRENNAN: Yes. These are fragmented from the blast. (Looks at a wall) Ah, there's bone fragments here in the wall. I think someone was standing in this room very close to the bomb when it went off. BOOTH: Well, it had to be the bomber, right? Mean, talk about instant karma. BRENNAN: The question is, where are the rest of his remains? BOOTH: Vaporized maybe. BRENNAN: Unlikely. (walks over and crouches down somewhere) Oh, huh. BOOTH: What do you got? BRENNAN: An external occipital protuberance. Fissures indicate thermal detachment. It's the back of a human skull. BOOTH: (calling out) Cam, any of your bodies missing a protuberance? CAM: No, all of these remains are fully intact. BOOTH: Fully intact. CAM: Uh huh BRENNAN: (stands up and shines her flashlight at the chandelier hanging from the ceiling, where a skeleton can be seen) Not all of them. BOOTH: Oh. OPENING CREDITS (Cut to the Medico-Lab. Booth, Brennan and Cam are waling out of her Brennan's office and discussing the case.) BOOTH: Arson investigators say that the explosion definitely originated in the room next to the cocktail party. CAM: Who was checked in there? BOOTH: Nobody, it was being renovated. BRENNAN: Well, paint, combustibles-they would've added to the force of the fire and explosion. BOOTH: So, maybe the bomber got caught by his own explosion. BRENNAN: Her own explosion. BOOTH: Wait, the bomber was a female? BRENNAN: Sciatic notch doesn't lie. CAM: Neither does the vg1n. BOOTH: Whoa, uh, wait a minute. Whoa, wait a minute. You're saying this skull was so hot that it explodes, but the girlie parts are still intact? CAM: (walking on to the platform with Brennan) She was thrown into that chandelier above the fire. The deep tissue remained intact. BOOTH: Thank you for that, I'll-(turns to leave). (Brennan and Cam join Hodgins and Zack on the platform, examining the remains.) HODGINS: Particulates embedded in the remains are a combination of glass, wood splinters, plaster and drywall. ZACK: The bomber is Caucasian, 5 feet 4, late teens/early 20s. Still no ID. CAM: The hair sample makes her a bleach-bottle blonde. ZACK: Ankylosis in the right trochlea and capitulum and scaphoid. BRENNAN: Occupational markers from carrying a tray. HODGINS: Mad bomber-teenage assassin-waitress? CAM: She might not have had a choice. BRENNAN: I don't understand. CAM: The cartels force people to do what they want. Your waitress refuses, the cartel wipes out her family. HODGINS: I'm running chemiluminescence tests now to get a chemical fingerprint and then chromatography to see what triggered the blast. (Hodgins leaves the platform, but not before giving Angela a big smile as she approaches the rest of the group.) ANGELA: I scanned the skull and reconstructed a face. (She walks over to a computer terminal and pulls up the images.) CAM: Send it over to Booth. If drugs are involved, maybe she has a record. ANGELA: Yeah, I already did that. CAM: Listen, people, please. Don't be sending stuff without informing me first. BRENNAN: But you wanted her to send it, I heard you. CAM: But not without first-(pauses) just run everything by me first, ok? Every circus needs a ringmaster. In this circus, it's me. (Cam leaves. Angela and Brennan exchange a look of disbelief.) ANGELA: (whispers) Yeah. (Cut to FBI Building. Booth, Brennan and Radswell are getting off the elevator.) RADSWELL: All we ask at the State Department is that you treat this woman with the respect she is due as a friend of this country. BOOTH: I know how to question the witness. RADSWELL: I am here at the request of the Colombian ambassador, Judge Ramos and the State Department. BRENNAN: Well, that's disingenuous. What are the chances that all three would ask you separately? (places hands on her hip) RADSWELL: Why are you being so confrontational? BRENNAN: You're used to people deferring to you because of your size. It's a normal response that you take advantage of. I don't like it. BOOTH: Here we go. BRENNAN: Well, see? (to Booth) Even you don't want to say anything to hurt his tiny feelings. (to Radswell) I don't mean that your feelings are tiny, I mean that you have feelings about being tiny. RADSWELL: The ramifications and repercussions of impeded access will compromise accommodative responses detrimental to your unabated participation in our shared endeavours. (Confused look on Brennan's face.) BOOTH: That's State Department speak. We don't do it his way, we'll get fired. BRENNAN: See? If a regular-sized person tried to intimidate you, you'd threaten to kick him through the window. But because in his case it's an actual physical possibility- BOOTH: Let's just question the judge. RADSWELL: Thank you. BOOTH: You're welcome. (They walk towards the conference room.) BOOTH: (turning to Brennan) That was a nice moment-me translating for you. (Cut to inside the FBI conference room. Radswell is sitting at the head of the table with Booth/Brennan on one side and Judge Dolores Ramos and her husband Juan on the other.) DOLORES: I was speaking with Father Ruiz when the bomb went off. I believe his body protected me from the blast. JUAN: I was barely touched. Father Ruiz was a very close friend of ours. BOOTH: (taking a photo from a file in front of him) Did you see this woman at the hospitality suite at the time of the explosion? (pushes Angela's rendering across the table.) DOLORES: No. BRENNAN: You're sure? She wasn't serving drinks, anything like that? JUAN: The service staff were all from the embassy. Who is she? RADSWELL: She may have been the bomber. BOOTH: Mr. Radswell. RADSWELL: The State Department recognizes Judge Ramos as a great friend to this country and has charged me with keeping her apprised of this investigation. BOOTH: Did you or anyone receive any threats at the embassy before the conference? DOLORES: We are always receiving threats. It's a fact of life for us. JUAN: The government provides my wife and our family with bodyguards. We have lost loved ones in the past. DOLORES: A daughter, eight years ago. BOOTH: Our condolences. JUAN: Do you believe this woman to be connected to the cartels? BRENNAN: We haven't identified her yet. RADSWELL: Perhaps, Judge Ramos your friends in Colombian law enforcement could be of help. DOLORES: Yes, of course. Anything to aid the investigation. BOOTH: Thank you, Judge Ramos. That's all for now. (Cut to Lab. Hodgins is entering Angela's office with his camera.) HODGINS: Hey, can you upload the pictures from this camera? ANGELA: Am I going to regret it? HODGINS: What kind of guy do you think I am? ANGELA: (takes camera and walks over to her computer) It's just that men sometimes think things are funny that women merely find gross. HODGINS: (sitting down next to Angela) They're pictures of the hotel room. I went there to collect some samples. (Pictures show up on screen) Yeah, see...the heat blast deposited the first layer of residue on the walls-hydrocarbons. ANGELA: The first layer? HODGINS: Yep, lawyer two...I had to use an electron capture detector to identify. It was toluene and benzene-oxidized paint-which just exploded from the cans. ANGELA: The explosion was a two-parter? HODGINS: More accurately a fire, then an explosion. But get this...I found a patch of wall with only oxidized paint on it. Basically a shadow. See, something was between the wall and the fire, then was gone when the explosion occurred. Think you can figure out what it was? ANGELA: I can try. HODGINS: (exchange looks with Angela) Cool. I also found these blobs of melted something (takes out tube). ANGELA: Yeah, not my department. You're just trying to prolong this conversation. (They both smile as Hodgins leaves.) (Cut to platform. Zack and Cam approach the remains.) ZACK: What do you want to know? CAM: Everything. ZACK: The explosion shifted the placement of the teeth in the maxilla and mandible. (pointing to computer screen) I've repositioned them so that we can match the dentals. The computer is looking now. (crosses arms) Why do you suddenly want to know everything? CAM: I think there's a tendency here for each of us to work too independently. ZACK: My closest acquaintance outside work is a woman I know who's a performance artist. Last month, she enclosed herself in a plastic box with six rabbits. It went over quite well, perhaps you've heard of her? CAM: Zack, when I said everything, I meant just the case. (Computer beeps.) ZACK: (looking at the screen) Lisa Winokur. CAM: Yep, never heard of her. ZACK: Me neither. CAM: Isn't she the rabbit woman? ZACK: No. Lisa Winokur's the woman in the chandelier. CAM: Oh, good. I'll let Booth know you ID'd the victim. ZACK: If you'd like to know anything else- CAM: I think I'm up to speed for now, but thanks. (Cam leaves Zack.) (Cut to a front porch. Booth is talking to Jill Winokur.) JILL: I saw about the explosion on the news. But Lisa wasn't supposed to be working at the hotel last night. So I never thought she'd be one of the casualties. BOOTH: How long had your daughter been working there? JILL: Off and on, a couple of years. Waitressing when she needed money. Tomorrow's her birthday, I ordered the cake (sobs). I thought that she was spending the night out with friends-that's why she didn't come home. BOOTH: She spend many nights away from home? JILL: My daughter was a very attractive young woman living with her mother. She had boyfriends, and, yeah, sometimes she didn't come home. BOOTH: Did she have, uh-um, anyone special in her life lately? JILL: Yeah, but I-I never met him. I don't know his name. BOOTH: Is there anything you can tell me about him? JILL: Oh, he was foreign. Puerto Rican maybe? She called him "Senor Hot Stuff". Maybe that was a joke...she said he was rich. Lisa was a really sweet girl (cries.) (Cut to Angela's office. She is showing Hodgins something on her computer.) ANGELA: (pointing to screen) The fire started approximately here, which means that whatever cast your reverse shadow was positioned here. HODGINS: What cast the shadow? ANGELA: Well, I manipulated the images you gave in order to figure out the shape of the silhouette. The dark areas are where there was both blowback residue from the fire and the deposits of oxidized paint left by the explosion. By going in as far as individual pixels, I was able to find the area where there was only paint residue. HODGINS: That's a person. ANGELA: Yeah. Given the angles and the distance from the wall, I'd say it's somebody about six feet tall. HODGINS: And Lisa Winokur was only 5 foot 4. ANGELA: Which means whoever this was got out before the actual explosion occurred. HODGINS: (looking at Angela intently) Oh, I could kiss you. ANGELA: That would require permission, which I deny. HODGINS: I'll tell Booth that the bomber is alive and is six feet tall. (Hodgins gets up to leave, as Cam arrives.) CAM: You'll tell who what? (Hodgins leaves without stopping) There's a loop people, and I'm in it. Not only am I in it, I'm the big curvy part. (Cut to a bar, Booth and Brennan are interviewing Denise, a waitress.) DENISE: Lisa wasn't scheduled to work last night. She just came in on her own as a customer, picked up a guy. BOOTH: You know anything about him? DENISE: Looked Hispanic. That's not P.C. to say, but you want details, right? BOOTH: Um hmm. DENISE: And it looked like he had money too. BOOTH: How tall was he? DENISE: I don't know. He was sitting when I saw him. Look, Lisa was a good kid, but she used to scope the place for rich guys. BRENNAN: So she was a prostitute? DENISE: What? No, no. She was just like any of us. BOOTH: Looking for a husband, right? DENISE: This guy last night-she zoned in on him real hard. Took him upstairs, you know, for privacy. BOOTH: Upstairs where? DENISE: The room that was being renovated. The-the one that caught on fire. I mean, it's against the rules, but we've all done it. BOOTH: Right (chuckles). (Brennan gives a look that she's not amused at the flirting nature between the two.) DENISE: I mean, why else work in a high-class place like this, right? BOOTH: Yeah. BRENNAN: Someone's trying to flag you down. DENISE: (turns to look behind her) Oh. BARTENDER: Denise, Denise! DENISE: Excuse me (turns away). BOOTH: Looks like it's possible that Lisa went upstairs for a little-(clicks tongue) quickie and, uh, wandered into a nightmare. BRENNAN: She was trying to get you to upstairs for a little-(knocks on the table and whistles)- DENISE: (comes back) Hey, that's the guy that Lisa was with (points). (A guy walks across the bar.) BRENNAN: Yeah, he looks like he can be six feet tall. BOOTH: What do you say we go pay him a little visit? (They walk up to the guy who is now sitting at the bar.) BRENNAN: Mind if we ask you a few questions? ANTONIO: (nonchalant) Oh, well, lose your friend, and maybe. BRENNAN: It's about Lisa Winokur. (Antonio turns and Booth tackles him to the floor. Quickly, somebody pulls out a gun and trains it on Booth.) BOOTH: Ok, it's cool, man, it's all good. (Booth slowly gets up and grabs the arm with the gun. A small kafuffle breaks out that ends up with both men on the ground with Booth and Brennan towering over them with guns pointed.) ANTONIO: My name is Antonio Ramos! Call the Colombian embassy, I have diplomatic immunity. (Cut to Lab, inside the Autopsy room.) CAM: Musculature of the neck preserved the trachea, a swab shows no trace of carbon. ZACK: So Lisa Winokur was not breathing when the fire started. CAM: I found semen. ZACK: Where? CAM: The usual place. ZACK: No, I mean, no condom? CAM: Well, the sx may not have been consensual. ZACK: If she was already dead when the fire started, what killed her? CAM: Too much tissue damage for me. Now it's time for the boneyard. (Zack gives Cam a funny look) You, Zack. Do your thing. ZACK: I'll have to ascertain if these fractures were the result of heat, explosion or trauma. Which means I need to know the exact nature of the explosion. CAM: How do you do that? ZACK: The usual way. (Cut to inside an interrogation room. Booth and Brennan are with Antonio.) ANTONIO: My embassy has been informed of my whereabouts, I have nothing more to say. BRENNAN: Antonio Ramos. BOOTH: Any relationship to, uh, Judge Dolores Ramos? ANTONIO: She's my mother. BRENNAN: This seriously calls genetics into question. BOOTH: You know, your mother is a great woman. (Places a bottle of water in front of Antonio) Have some water. Why'd you run, Antonio? (He reaches out to grab the bottle with his right hand, but switches to the left) In my experience, there are two reasons why people run. One, danger. BRENNAN: (observes Antonio's hand switch) What's wrong with your arm? ANTONIO: What? BRENNAN: Your arm, how did you hurt it? BOOTH: (continues) The second reason people run is they got something to hide. So...you got something to hide, Tony? BRENNAN: (coming around to examine Antonio's arm.) Compound fracture, there or five pins in there. Say, uh, six months old? BOOTH: (holding out picture of Lisa) Did you have sx with her last night? ANTONIO: (chuckling) Is she what this is about? Because it was her idea, not mine. BOOTH: How well do you know her? ANTONIO: Very well, and not so well, if you know what I mean. (Booth chuckles in understanding.) BRENNAN: I don't know what he means. BOOTH: It means he had sx with her and forgot to learn her name. ANTONIO: Well, you say that, not me. BOOTH: Well, it's not like you, uh, exactly have a record because you have, you know, diplomatic immunity. More like a list of complaints. (Booth drops his file on the table and Brennan picks it up.) BRENNAN: Let's see here. Ok, speeding, DUI, riding a motorcycle on the mall, urinating on a national monument. BOOTH: Good one. BRENNAN: Substance abuse charges, every one of them. My guess is you, uh, got drunk and fell off a bicycle (pointing to his arm). ANTOINO: It was a motorcycle. (Radswell enters the room with Judge Ramos, not amused.) RADSWELL: Agent Booth, you know Antonio Ramos has diplomatic immunity, yet you insist on questioning him. BOOTH: Uh, diplomatic immunity doesn't mean I can't question him. It means I can't throw him in jail. DOLORES: Are you all right, Antonio? ANTONIO: Mm-hmmm. RADSWELL: Mr. Ramos, you're free to leave. The FBI will not bother you anymore. BRENNAN: Can he promise that? BOOTH: No. (to Radswell) Do you have any other higher aspirations rather than just, you know, babysitting drunken playboys? BRENNAN: (turning to the Ramos' who are leaving the room) She's dead. ANTONIO: (opening the door) Who? BRENNAN: Lisa. (holds out photo) Lisa Winokur. That was her name. ANTONIO: How did she die? BRENNAN: In the same explosion that nearly killed your mother. BOOTH: Did Lisa ever mention your parents? RADSWELL: (warningly) Agent Booth. ANTONIO: She knew who they were. DOLORES: Antonio, answer no more questions. RADSWELL: That's enough. (Ramos' leave the room. Booth and Brennan start leaving, Brennan giving Radswell a hard look.) RADSWELL: You have something to say to me, Dr. Brennan? BRENNAN: Little people have a long history of being close to power. RADSWELL: As clowns and court jesters. I see you've been to the art museum. BRENNAN: Yes, but as clowns and court jesters they were the only ones allowed to mock the king, to give him perspective. You don't do that, Mr. Radswell. You just do what the king says without putting anything into perspective. RADSWELL: Good thing I'm neither a clown nor a court jester. (He moves to leave and reaches for the bottle of water left behind by Antonio.) BRENNAN: Whoa-don't do that. It's DNA evidence. (Cut to the lab, in one of the testing rooms.) HODGINS: The FBI couldn't find any evidence of an explosive charge. ANGELA: Then what blew up? ZACK: There was liquor in the room. (setting up the experiment) Paint, turpentine. CAM: Paint, turpentine and liquor blew down a wall, torched four people and deposited a corpse in a chandelier 12 feet off the ground. ZACK: There was also petroleum distillate and six H.V.L.P. canisters hidden under traps. HODGINS: High volume, low pressure. So you can see where this is going. CAM and ANGELA: No, we can't. HODGINS: A fire was set. The question is, given these ingredients, would there be a secondary explosion? (hands the ladies ear plugs) ZACK: I did the math very carefully (adjusts some knobs). This experiment should generate an explosion approximately 1/1000th the magnitude of the explosion at the hotel. CAM: Excuse me? ZACK: 1/1000th. ANGELA: I think she meant the explosion part, Zack. HODGINS: Relax, a little pop. This blast wall Zack built-it's merely a precaution (puts on goggles). ZACK: (standing behind the blast wall) We can watch through this porthole. ANGELA: Hey, I'm gonna wait outside. CAM: I hear that. (They both leave. Hodgins joins Zack behind the blast wall.) ZACK: Did they not hear me say I did the math quite carefully? HODGINS: All right, I'll ignite the alcohol. ZACK: The math says there will be a ten to twelve second gap before the H.V.L.P. container explodes. HODGINS: Fine, ready? Igniting the alcohol. (Turns on a switch that ignites a flame.) ZACK: Ten, nine, eight... (Cut to Angela and Cam waiting outside the testing room. A loud explosion takes place and glass shatters from inside the room. They run back into the room where Zack and Hodgins are on the ground all covered in soot.) ZACK: Man! HODGINS: Woah! (coughing) CAM: (enters the room) Are you all right? Can you breathe? (helps Zack get up) ANGELA: (holding fingers in front of Hodgins) Hey, how many fingers am I holding up? HODGINS: (getting up) I'm ok, I'm all right. Come on. (They leave the room.) ZACK: I don't understand what happens. HODGINS: You know what that proves? ANGELA: That you guys are idiots? ZACK: (thinking) That a blast that strong wasn't necessarily a bomb. HODGINS: Most likely, somebody killed Lisa Winokur then started a fire to cover up their crime. CAM: Without knowing there would be a huge explosion. That's good guys, nice job. (Cut to FBI building, Booth and Radswell are walking down a hallway.) RADSWELL: Your theory of the crime is that Antonio Ramos started a fire to cover up a rape and murder. BOOTH: DNA matches the sperm found in Lisa Winokur. RADSWELL: What do you want from me? BOOTH: I want you to have the kid declared persona non grata because of his previous offenses. That gets rid of diplomatic immunity. RADSWELL: And you can arrest him? BOOTH: Exactly. RADSWELL: Never gonna happen. BOOTH: Right, because Judge Ramos is such a good, good friend of this country. RADSWELL: I don't think you can calculate just how many American lives she's saved by taking a hard line on the cartels in Colombia. BOOTH: Obviously you have orders from the State Department to have this whole diplomatic mess booted out of the United States and back into Colombia. Don't say anything. Just, you know, if I'm right, just keep breathing. RADSWELL: Bogota, 1998. The Ramos family is leaving the city for their country home. Their convoy is attacked. End to a long, ugly story-13 year old Antonio is running away from the fighting carrying his little sister. Only trouble is, he has to keep going back to pick up pieces of her brain. BOOTH: That's a sad story, but it doesn't mean the guy can get drunk and kill five people, including an American citizen. (Radswell enters an elevator and leaves. Booth's cell phone rings.) BOOTH: (picking up) Yeah? CAM: Booth, it's Cam. We know how Lisa Winokur died. (Cut to lab. Inside the skeleton room, everyone is standing around Lisa's skeleton.) BOOTH: She was strangled? ZACK: The hyoid is cracked at the tips but not burned. BRENNAN: Something was around her neck when the fire got to her. CAM: Hodgins found burned fibers, he's analyzing them now. ZACK: I also noticed a broken finger. I'm using those words especially for you, Booth. BOOTH: (peeved) Thanks. ZACK: Also, disjunct of acromion and coracoid with damage to the glenoid. (to Booth) Dislocated shoulder. CAM: A typical injury of a victim on the ground straining against someone strangling her from behind. BRENNAN: There was a split in the cartilage between the T3 and T4 vertebrae (examines on the tv screen). BOOTH: (quietly) Excuse me (leaves the room). ZACK: (to Brennan) I thought that might be from the fire or explosion. BRENNAN: But why only those two vertebrae? ZACK: You make a good point, I'll take another look. (Cut to the main area of the Lab. Cam is looking at some files walking, with Booth catching up to her.) BOOTH: Cam? Cam. (in step with Cam now) Has anyone said anything to you about, um...(whispers) you know? CAM: Us sleeping together? BOOTH: (quietly) You gotta be way more careful about blurting that out. Ok, voices, they carry, building like this. CAM: There's no one around, and you brought it up. BOOTH: Well, I mean, Angela is practically psychic about this kind of stuff, right? So you can't be thinking about me when, you know, she's around. Especially not naked. CAM: I'll do my best. HODGINS: (appears behind them) Onyx, peridot and Peruvian opal. (Cam and Booth pause, as if they have been caught) Probably jewelry. It's an unusual combination, very expensive. BOOTH: Yeah, well, Lisa Winokur-I mean, she was a waitress. You know, I highly doubt that her tips would be able to cover expensive jewelry. (Hodgins watches their babbling curiously.) CAM: Well, a waitress that's having sx with a Colombian princeling-I mean, you don't buy expensive jewelry for a one-night stand. BOOTH: And maybe Antonio was lying about not knowing Lisa. CAM: Well, exactly. BOOTH: Yeah. HODGINS: Angela found a jeweler named Lawrence Melvoy who works in this stuff. CAM: Ok. BOOTH: I'll start- CAM: All right, great. BOOTH: (awkward) Yeah. (walks over to Hodgins) Take that? HODGINS: Yeah, yeah (Booth takes the tray with the jewelry). (They both exchange looks.) (Cut to the FBI building. Booth is interviewing Lawrence Melvoy, the jeweler.) MELVOY: (looking at the tray) Oh, my God. What happened? BOOTH: Is this jewelry yours? MELVOY: Definitely. BOOTH: Are these pieces expensive? MELVOY: This piece was worth 8,000. BOOTH: Dollars? MELVOY: My work is all original. (picking up a piece) This one went to a young woman. Cheap shoes, expensive watch, you know? BOOTH: No, I'm sorry, I don't know. MELVOY: That combination means that someone else purchased this piece for the young woman. BOOTH: (opening a file and taking a picture of Lisa out) Could, uh, this be the woman? MELVOY: That's her. BOOTH: Yeah. I need to know who made the actual purchase. MELVOY: I don't know the buyer. BOOTH: You know how it was paid? MELVOY: I have a bank routing number. BOOTH: Ah, that'll do. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to Booth's office. He is chicken-pecking at his computer when Brennan enters.) BRENNAN: Hey, I've had a realization. (notices what Booth is doing) Oh, I've never seen you on the computer before. BOOTH: I'm, uh, just trying to find out who bought Lisa Winokur expensive jewelry. What? Me being on the computer-is that what, your realization? BRENNAN: No. Antonio Ramos could not have been Lisa Winokur's attacker. BOOTH: Why couldn't our prime suspect have committed the murder? BRENNAN: Antonio's arm has pints in it. BOOTH: Pins? BRENNAN: Yeah, so maybe 30% of his normal strength. No way that's enough to dislocate our victim's shoulder. So how? BOOTH: How what? BRENNAN: Well, how can you find the jewelry thing on the computer? BOOTH: I have a bank routing number that dead ends at an offshore corporate account belonging to a shell corporation in the Netherlands Antilles. BRENNAN: Isn't that impossible to trace? BOOTH: Well, no. Since 9/11, all foreign wires have to register an individual's name with the State Department. So I simply access the State Department database... (Booth types a search into the screen and a window pops up with the words 'Access Denied, confidential per US State Department'.) BOOTH: Aw, hell. BRENNAN: What? BOOTH: That little bstrd is protecting someone. (Cut to another room in the FBI office, Radswell, Brennan and Booth enter.) RADSWELL: If the computer says confidential, then it's confidential. I find it best not to argue with computers. BOOTH: Were you the one who authorized the block or did it come from higher up on the food chain? RADSWELL: Go through channels, make a request. BOOTH: (peeved) Go to hell, Alex. BRENNAN: Why are you being so mean? BOOTH: Cause "go through channels" is diplomatic double-talk for "get lost." BRENNAN: (to Booth) Can I talk to him? RADSWELL: Hello? Dr. Brennan? I'm just small, not invisible. BRENNAN: Under what circumstances, in general would the State Department block a name like this? BOOTH: Come on, Alex. Hey, don't be one of them. Go on a limb, huh? RADSWELL: (relenting) Fine. Might be an intelligence asset or someone under investigation. It could be a request from Homeland Security...they just do whatever the hell they want. Could be a CIA shell company masquerading as a bad guy, or a bad guy who's been compromised. The IRS could be working offshore shelters, it could be someone- BOOTH: Ha! Ha! BRENNAN: (confused) He didn't say anything. BOOTH: (walking over towards Radswell) He was about to say "diplomatic immunity." RADSWELL: Let's say the boy bought the girl some jewelry. That doesn't mean he killed her. BOOTH: It means he was lying when he said he met her for the first time that night. Come on, Alex. This isn't evidence for court, I'm just, you know, collecting names. RADSWELL: Please, like that's gonna work on me. BRENNAN: Whoever killed Lisa Winokur is responsible for the deaths of four other people, including a priest. Doesn't the State Department have to assure those families they're doing everything they can to apprehend the responsible party? RADSWELL: Are you threatening the State Department? BRENNAN: No. BOOTH: Yes. BRENNAN: What? BOOTH: That's a great idea. BRENNAN: What's a great idea? BOOTH: The FBI blackmailing the State Department. RADSWELL: He has diplomatic immunity, there's nothing you can do. BOOTH: (throwing a football up and catching it) Come on, Alex. Baby steps. (pause at Radswell's reaction) No offense. BRENNAN: (chuckles) I just got that. It's baby steps, because you're so small. (chuckles) It's probably offensive. RADSWELL: Sorry, I can't help you. (he leaves) BRENNAN: Sorry. (Cut to Angela's office. She's working on her computer as Hodgins approaches her with two mugs of coffee.) HODGINS: Brought you some coffee. It's late. ANGELA: (smiles) You said you found burned silk fibers on Lisa Winkour's throat, right? HODGINS: Yeah, the good stuff too. Unwound filament, probably Chinese. None of this carded, combed or spun stuff. And definitely not nubbly. (Angela looks at him with a grin) HODGINS: What? ANGELA: You are a man of odd enthusiasms. I'm checking for silk neckties on the men at the party. (computer beeps) Look at this. (Video footage of Antonio in the elevator appears on the screen.) HODGINS: That's Antonio two hours before the explosion. ANGELA: All the evidence points towards him. But Brennan says with his bad arm, there's no way he could've killed Lisa Winokur. HODGINS: (hesitating) I...I know something. And when you know it, you should know that I know. But I don't feel we can discuss it until you, you know, know it independently from me. (Hodgins leans down towards the top of Angela's head. Angela turns around.) ANGELA: Are you sniffing my hair? HODGINS: You called it, baby. Man of odd enthusiasms. (Hodgins turns to leave as Angela brings up the ends of hair to her nose.) (Cut to skeleton room. Zack is operating a machine over the bones.) ZACK: Lisa Winokur's finger is broken. CAM: Zackaroni, almost every bone in her body was broken. ZACK: (shows Cam on the screen) This break was professionally set. (zooms the image in) It had started healing, I'd say around two weeks ago. And before I cleaned the bones, I noticed this metallic sheen. (shows another image on the next screen) I thought it was a cheap ring, but it's aluminum. I think it was a splint. CAM: Do you draw a conclusion from that? ZACK: I don't really do that, which is why I called you. (Cut to an office. Jill Winokur is sitting at the table with Booth and Brennan.) JILL: I don't see how health insurance forms can help you. BOOTH: (takes the files from Jill) Yeah, I'm gonna have these photocopied, ok? JILL: Sure. (Booth stands up to leave, but not before he clears his throat, indicating something to Brennan. Brennan is left alone with Jill.) BRENNAN: Anthropologically speaking a man gives a woman a gift as a way of laying claim. As a way of marking her as his to the other males in the community. JILL: All I know is, he gave her nice things. And when he started talking about breaking it off, we were both surprised. BRENNAN: They were breaking up? JILL: (nods) I told her not to give up that easy. I told her when it comes down to it, a man like this, who's rich and sophisticated, he'll do the right thing by you. BRENNAN: You advised your daughter to get pregnant? JILL: It sounds bad, but there was no reason for Lisa to live the life I led. Please tell me my daughter wasn't murdered because I told her to get pregnant (sobs). BOOTH: (at the door) Excuse me. Bones, can I talk to you for a moment? BRENNAN: Uh...(looks back at Jill), excuse me. (Brennan leaves the room and talks with Booth outside.) BOOTH: What did you do to her? BRENNAN: I don't know. BOOTH: (holds out the paper) Hospital admission forms. BRENNAN: Yeah? What about 'em? BOOTH: Well, look at the signature of the person who dropped Lisa off at the emergency room. BRENNAN: (looking at the page) "Juan Vasco Ramos." That's Antonio's father. BOOTH: Lisa was having an affair with the judge's husband, not her son. BRENNAN: And he was leaving her. BOOTH: How do you know that? BRENNAN: (looking at Lisa through the glass window) She advised her daughter to get pregnant when it looked like Juan Ramos was about to dump her. BOOTH: Yeah, Lisa sees the boy drunk, decides to seduce him. BRENNAN: Has unprotected sx in an effort to get pregnant. BOOTH: Dad finds out, and suddenly the troublesome girlfriend is worth killing. BRENNAN: (looking through the glass) She's worried that her advice got her daughter killed. BOOTH: Yeah, she's probably right. I tell you what, I'm gonna call Radswell and have him bring Dad in for questioning. (turns to leave, but stops) Oh, you know what? I should leave you alone more often. (Cut to FBI office, Radswell arrives as Booth and Brennan waits.) RADSWELL: Good morning. BOOTH: Where's Juan Ramos? RADSWELL: He declined your invitation. He decided to go back home to Colombia. BOOTH: What airline? RADSWELL: Why? You can't do anything anyway. BRENNAN: Well, he killed five people! RADSWELL: Yes, yes, let's not go through the mortality list again. BOOTH: I need to know what airline. RADSWELL: Private jet out of Kent Island Airport. (Cut to Booth's SUV.) BRENNAN: Even if we get there on time, how are we gonna stop them from taking off? BOOTH: All right, call Hodgins. BRENNAN: What can Hodgins do? I mean, this isn't about evidence. BOOTH: Just give him a call. (Cut to lab, Hodgins picks up his phone. The following conversation cuts back and forth from inside the car to the lab.) HODGINS: Bugs, slime, particulates. What's your poison? BOOTH: (talking into Brennan's phone) Hodgins, just listen. Don't say anything, just do as I ask. (Hodgins remains silent.) BOOTH: You there? HODGINS: You told me not to say anything. BOOTH: Look, ok, listen to me alright. I need you in your craziest most paranoid conspiracy mode to call the FAA and tell them that a private flight to Bogota is about to leave Kent Island Private Airport and is carrying aliens or-or terrorists, or, you know-you know what to do. Now, do you got any questions? HODGINS: Just one. Full court press, no holds barred, maximum effort? BOOTH: Just stop the plane from taking off. (Booth hangs up, and Hodgins has a big smile on his face.) (Cut to Kent Island airport, inside a hanger. A SWAT unit is surrounding a private plane.) MAN #1: FBI! MAN #2: Everybody out of the plane! (Everyone gets off the plane as Booth's SUV screeches to a stop.) BRENNAN: (getting out of the car) What will happen to Hodgins if the State Department finds out? BOOTH: Know what? Better they don't find out. (Brennan and Booth exchange looks with the Ramos'.) (Cut to lab, up in the catwalk, Radswell approaches Booth, Brennan and Cam in the lounge.) RADSWELL: The FAA got a call saying Judge Ramos's plane had been targeted by the National Liberation Army, a terrorist organization in Colombia. BRENNAN: And you took it seriously? RADSWELL: Caller used a highly classified code phrase which established the threat as authentic. BOOTH: Really? RADSWELL: A highly classified code phrase known only to a gold-plated asset inside the terrorist organization. If it weren't, I might suspect you had something to do with it. Booth, you seem to have trouble accepting that there is absolutely nothing you can do in these circumstances. BOOTH: Well, Juan Ramos just, you know, flying out of here. This whole diplomatic immunity thing. The whole thing just stinks. BRENNAN: You should think it stinks too, Mr. Radswell. RADSWELL: Put together your evidence package, submit it to State. We'll present it to the Colombian authorities. Let them decide whether or not to levy charges (turns to leave). CAM: Wait, wait. That's our only option? Hope that a foreign government will lay charges based on a forensics-heavy investigation done by American law enforcement on another continent? RADSWELL: Unless you can persuade him to give up diplomatic immunity, yes, it's our only option. BRENNAN: How long have we got to do that? RADSWELL: About as long as it takes to take apart a plane and put it back together again. Maybe 24 hours. (turns and leaves) (Cut to platform, Zack is following Cam to the autopsy room.) ZACK: You're the one who said you have to be kept up to date on everything. CAM: No, when I said everything, I might have been a bit too-you tend to bevery literal. ZACK: Thermal dislocation can be extremely deceptive. Typically heat causes short bones to move at the ends. These were split in the middle. CAM: What? (Cam rushes outside and shouts.) CAM: Brennan! ZACK: Whoa, what'd I do? CAM: T3 and T4 are behind the lungs. This is why we have to communicate more because- BRENNAN: (enters the autopsy room) I have a cell phone, Dr. Saroyan. CAM: I found evidence of a perforation in the membrane of her lungs. BRENNAN: That could be connected to the T3 and T4 vertebrae damage. CAM: Exactly what I thought. (to Zack) Could it have been pierced by a rib during the attack? ZACK: The ribs were not broken pre-explosion. BRENNAN: The vertebrae were pushed apart so they'd slide across the lung surface. That would cause a tear. CAM: No, this is definitely a puncture. ZACK: Whatever pierced the membrane was forced through the vertebrae. CAM: A knife? BRENNAN: Zack? ZACK: No cuts on the bone, something softer than a blade. CAM: (thinking) To reach the lung from the back means moving through the epidermis, dermis, hypodermis, subcutaneous fat and three layers of thoracic muscle fiber and connective tissue. Not to mention splitting those vertebrae. BRENNAN: That requires a great deal of pressure, suggesting the force of a leg, not an arm. ZACK: It's as though Juan Ramos drove something into Lisa Winokur's back with his foot. Mm...like a golf tee? (Cut to Angela's office. She is at the computer looking at footage of the Ramos the night of the party. Brennan, Cam and Booth are standing behind her.) BOOTH: A golf tee? That makes no sense. ANGELA: I'm not sure what we're looking for. CAM: A sharp implement. ANGELA: He has a pen in his pocket. BOOTH: Wait, how would he force a pen through her back with his foot? BRENNAN: Judge Ramos is 5 foot 9? ANGELA: Yeah. BRENNAN: Why is she the same height as her husband? (Computer screen zooms in on the Judge's feet.) ANGELA: Three-inch stiletto heels. BRENNAN: We assumed the killer was six feet tall and a he. But what if it was a 5-foot-9 woman wearing three-inch heels? I mean, could Judge Ramos have driven her heel into Lisa Winokur's back as she strangled her? (flashback to the possible scenario) BOOTH: The judge finds out that the waitress is having sx with both her husband and her son, trying to get pregnant (Hodgins enters the room). That's motive for murder. ANGELA: Also, before the fire, she had a beautiful silk wrap on. Afterwards, it's gone. HODGINS: That's what she used to strangle Lisa Winokur. BOOTH: Great. It was Judge Ramos. She did it, very compelling evidence. Excellent, but you know what? Too bad, it's useless (frustrated, sits down in a chair). CAM: Unless we can find a way to make Judge Ramos waive her diplomatic immunity. BOOTH: How are we gonna do that? CAM: (leaning down and placing her hand at the beck of Booth's neck) Go grab a cup of coffee. (Hodgins and Angela notice the exchange) I'll figure it out (she leaves). BOOTH: Get some pie, Bones? Let's get some pie. BRENNAN: Pie? Why are we having pie? BOOTH: Cherry pie. Not too tart, not too sweet (they leave). (Hodgins and Angela exchange looks.) HODGINS: Oh, yeah, baby. That's what I'm talking about. ANGELA: Wow. HODGINS: Hey, love is in the purified and ionized lab air. Why should we resist? ANGELA: (pointing to the door) Go. (Cut to the Diner, Brennan and Booth are at their usual table.) BRENNAN: A woman like Judge Ramos, who stood up to the drug cartels, who always did the right thing-it's hard to imagine her killing another human being. BOOTH: Bones, she's a strong woman. That's why she stood up to the cartels and lived on after her daughter was killed. Hey, look, her point of view...Lisa Winokur was threatening her family, so she snapped. BRENNAN: Will she get away with it? BOOTH: Yeah, I think she will. (Cam approaches their table and sits down next to Brennan.) CAM: Ok, we all got together-well, Zack wouldn't help until I threatened him. But the rest of us...(opens the file with her) The blowback patterns shows that Lisa Winokur's killer was six feet tall. Antonio Ramos is six feet tall. Lisa Winokur had s*x immediately before her demise, DNA tests show it was with Antonio Ramos. (holds up a photo of Antonio in the elevator) Lisa Winokur was strangled with a silk ligature, Antonio Ramos favours silk ties. BRENNAN: Why are you manipulating the facts to make it sound like Antonio was the killer? BOOTH: No, it's ok, Bones. Let her-let her continue. CAM: Because of his broken arm, Antonio Ramos was forced to place his foot on Lisa Winokur's back, damaging her vertebrae. BRENNAN: You are fabricating a scenario by misrepresenting the evidence and omitting key facts. CAM: It's a bluff. Cops do it all the time. BOOTH: So you think if we frame Antonio, Judge Ramos will confess to save her own son. CAM: What mother wouldn't? BOOTH: Bones? BRENNAN: No, no. CAM: It's no different than lying to a criminal to get a confession. BOOTH: Or having Hodgins call the FAA with a fake terrorism tip. CAM: He did what? BOOTH: Oh, what? Now suddenly there's a line here? BRENNAN: You can't allow this. BOOTH: I'm a hundred percent against it. CAM: Seeley, you hate diplomatic immunity. BOOTH: Well, I'm against it when it's interfering with my murder investigation but the world's bigger than that. CAM: What are you talking about? BOOTH: We cheat diplomatic immunity here in DC, we catch a murderer. That's great. They do it in "Upper Kamikazestan" and our boys end up on a red-hot spit over a slow fire. BRENNAN: There's no such place as "Kamikazestan." BOOTH: Ok, bottom line is, we ignore diplomatic immunity and the rest of the world finds out, it's open season on Americans. So you know what? Thanks for the effort and the fake file. (takes file and rips it) But let's just remember, all right? We're the good guys. Oh, I'm gonna need that real evidence file too. CAM: Ok (gets up and leaves). (Cut to FBI building. Booth, Brennan, Radswell and Dolores Ramos are sitting around a table. You can see her husband and son sitting outside the room.) DOLORES: Even if this were true- BRENNAN: It's true. DOLORES: My family and I have diplomatic immunity. BOOTH: That's politics. A woman like you-a judge, a prosecutor who's given up their whole life for justice-you can't live for what you did to Lisa Winokur. What next? RADSWELL: The FBI formally hands this evidence over to me, I present it to the ambassador. He presents it to the attorney general of Colombia. BRENNAN: And the State Department gets what it wants, what you've been working for all along. BOOTH: This mess in another country (not amused). RADSWELL: All parties played by the rules, that's diplomacy. (frustration from Brennan and Booth) Still, speaking outside of my role as a member of the State Department, (to Dolores) the attorney general of Colombia is not a friend to you. DOLORES: No, he is not. RADSWELL: This evidence is political ammunition. I mean, there'll almost certainly be a trial and he would certainly want you in jail, which would mean- DOLORES: The cartels have been trying to kill me for years. In prison, they would succeed on the first day. BRENNAN: They would torture and kill you. RADSWELL: Might I make a suggestion? Waive your diplomatic immunity and be tried fairly here in the United States. (Dolores weighs over her situation, looking around the room and to her family outside.) BOOTH: What's it gonna be, Judge? I turn this evidence over to an American prosecutor or to Mr. Radswell? (After a few more moments of thought, she pushes the file across the table to Booth.) DOLORES: I waive diplomatic immunity. (Cut to Lab. Brennan is standing against the railing up in the catwalk/lounge watching as the rest of her team and Cam work on the platform below.) BOOTH: (approaching Brennan and standing next to her against the railing) Well, look at 'em down there, huh? Heh! Probably falsifying evidence. BRENNAN: I'm not sure I can totally trust Dr. Saroyan after that. BOOTH: You know, Bones, Cam's a cop at heart. She, uh-she just wants to catch the bad guys. There are a lot of gray areas. BRENNAN: Not for you, you did the right thing. BOOTH: Yeah, it worked out is all. BRENNAN: You did the right thing. (A couple of men it suits approach the platform below.) BOOTH: Uh oh. (The two men in suits approach Hodgins.) MAN #1: (holding out a badge) Sir? BRENNAN: (watching from above) Well, shouldn't we do something? BOOTH: (scoffs) Are you kidding? (Men lead Hodgins away) Hodgins being abducted by men in black? That's a dream come true. (Hodgins smiles up towards them as he's being led away.) END.	Plan: A: an explosion; Q: What happened in a Miami hotel? A: several people; Q: How many people were injured or killed in the explosion? A: an unidentified body; Q: Who was thought to be the bomber? A: Colombian; Q: What drug cartel is thought to be responsible for the explosion? A: Judge Dolores Ramos; Q: Who was the Colombian judicial representative? A: the blast; Q: What did Judge Dolores Ramos survive? A: Diplomatic immunity; Q: What is the name of the immunity that Brennan and Booth are unable to use to investigate the case? A: State Department official Alex Radziwill; Q: Who stands in the way of Brennan and Booth's investigation? A: the case; Q: What do Brennan and Booth pursue key clues about? Summary: Brennan and Booth are called to the site of an explosion in a Miami hotel where several people were either injured or killed, including an unidentified body found burned, thought to be the bomber. Initially, the explosion is thought to be the work of a Colombian drug cartel intending to target Judge Dolores Ramos, the Colombian judicial representative, who survived the blast. Diplomatic immunity and State Department official Alex Radziwill stand in way of Brennan and Booth's investigation as they pursue key clues about the case.
Matt: Hey, Jackson. Not here to punch me again, are you? Wanna - wanna go ahead of me in line? Sheriff: Oh, what the hell is this? Stiles: Veggie burger. Sheriff: Stiles, I asked for a hamburger. Stiles: Well, veggie is healthier. We're being healthy. Sheriff: Oh, hell, why are you trying to ruin my life? Stiles: I'm trying to extend your life, okay? Could you just eat it, please? And tell me what you found. Sheriff: No, I'm not sharing confidential police work with a teenager. Stiles: Is that it on the board behind you? Sheriff: Don't look at that. Stiles: Ay - Sheriff: Avert your eyes. Stiles: Okay. Sheriff: Hey! Stiles: Just - it's just - I see arrows pointing at pictures. Sheriff: Okay, okay, stop. Fine. I found something. Mechanic and the couple who were murdered. They all had something in common. Stiles: All three? Sheriff: Yeah. You know what I always say. One's an incident. Two's coincidence. Stiles: Three's a pattern. Sheriff: The mechanic, the husband, the wife - all the same age. All 24. Stiles: Wait, what about Mr. Lahey? I mean, Isaac's dad isn't anywhere near 24. Sheriff: Which made me think that either "a," Lahey's murder wasn't connected or "b," the ages were a coincidence, until I found this, which would be "c." Did you know that Isaac Lahey had an older brother named Camden? Stiles: "Died in combat"? Sheriff: But if he were alive today, take one guess as to how old he'd be. Stiles: 24. Scott: Matt, Matt. Matt: What? Scott: How much are tickets? Matt: $75. Scott: Can I borrow some money? Matt: Yeah, how much? Scott: $75. Stiles: Now what if same age means same class - I mean, did you think of that? Sheriff: Yeah, yeah. Well, I would've. I mean, I - look, I just got Lahey's file two hours ago. Stiles: Two hours? Dad, people could be dying. Sheriff: Yeah, I'm aware of that. Thank you. Stiles: Same class. Stiles: Okay, this is it. Class of 2006. They all went to Beacon Hills. Sheriff: Including Isaac's brother. Stiles: All right, but so what if they all knew each other, you know? I mean, two of them were married, so maybe they all just hung out. Sheriff: Well, they could have had the same classes together. They could've - Stiles: What? Sheriff: Same teacher. Stiles: Harris. They were all in his class? Sheriff: All four. And I don't know how Mr. Lahey fits in, but this - kid, this is definitely a pattern. All right, give me the 2006 yearbook. These names, we need faces. Stiles: Which ones? Sheriff: Everyone in that chemistry class. If the killer's not done killing - Stiles: One of them's next. Sheriff: Yeah. Yeah, it's Stilinski. Kara: Next. How many? Let's go. Let's get out of here. Let's go. Chris: Hmm. This one, Sean. Sean was killed by this thing Gerard says is a kind of shapeshifter. It hasn't been around for centuries. Allison: The thing you shot outside the club the other night. Chris: South American legend we know of calls it the kanima. This one, Jessica. She was smothered to death after giving birth. The police think it was done by someone else. We think it's a person who's controlling this other shapeshifter. That means two killers, Allison. One human, one not. You know, the question I had after Gerard first told me about our family - "why us?" He quoted me Winston Churchill. "The price of greatness is responsibility." Personally, I think it's more about knowledge. What we know, the truth, what we know about the world, that makes us responsible, for a young couple, their newborn daughter, anyone that doesn't have the power to defend themselves. Are you starting to get it? Allison: I get that this isn't a lecture. It's an interrogation. Chris: That depends on what you know. Gerard showed me the library. Cameras didn't catch everything, but do you really think a little high school fight can explain that amount of damage? We know you're trying to protect your friends, but people are dying. A child was orphaned. What you know makes you responsible. It makes you responsible for this. Allison: What do you want me to tell you? Chris: Anything you know. Anything that can lead us to answering the one question that might mean everything. Who controls the kanima? Scott: What's he doing here? Derek: I need him. Scott: I don't trust him. Isaac: Yeah, well, he doesn't trust you either. Derek: You know what? And Derek really doesn't care. Now where's the vet? Is he gonna help us or not? Deaton: That depends. Your friend, Jackson. Are we planning to kill him or save him? Derek: Kill him. Scott: Save him. Save him. Save him. Derek: Watch what you touch. Isaac: So, what are you? Some kind of witch? Deaton: No, I'm a veterinarian. Unfortunately, I don't see anything here that's going to be an effective defense against a paralytic toxin. Derek: We're open to suggestions. Isaac: What about an effective offense? Derek: We already tried. I nearly took its head off. And Argent emptied an entire clip into it. The thing just gets back up. Deaton: Has it shown any weaknesses? Derek: Well, one - it can't swim. Deaton: Does that go for Jackson as well? Scott: No. He's the captain of the swim team. Deaton: Essentially, you're trying to catch two people. A puppet - and a puppeteer. One killed the husband, but the other had to take care of the wife. Do we know why? Scott: I don't think Jackson could do it. His mother died pregnant too, and she was maybe murdered. I think he couldn't let the same thing happen to someone else. Isaac: How do you know it's not part of the rules? The kanima kills murderers. If Jackson kills the wife, then the baby dies too. Scott: Does that mean your father was a murderer? Isaac: Wouldn't surprise me if he was. Deaton: Hold on. The book says they're bonded, right? What if the fear of water isn't coming from Jackson, but from the person controlling him? What if something that affects the kanima also affects its master? Isaac: Meaning what? Scott: Meaning we can catch them. Both of them. Scott: There's got to be some other way to get tickets, right? Stiles: It's a secret show. There's only one way, and it's a secret. Matt: Hey. Either of you guys know why no one's getting suspended after what happened the other day at school? Stiles: Just forget about it. Nobody got hurt. Matt: I - I had a concussion. Stiles: Well, nobody got seriously hurt. Matt: I was in the E.R. for six hours. Stiles: Hey, do you want to know the truth, Matt? Your little bump on the head is about this high on our list of problems right now. Scott: Are you okay? Matt: Yeah, I'm fine now. So you didn't get any tickets last night either. Scott: Are they still selling? Matt: Uh, no, but I managed to find two online. You should keep trying. Sounds like everyone's gonna be there. Stiles: I don't like him. Hey, are you sure about this? Scott: Last time, whoever's controlling Jackson had to kill somebody because he didn't finish the job, so what do you think he's going to do this time? Stiles: Be there to make sure it happens. Coach: Can anybody tell me where the hell Jackson is and why he missed morning practice? Stiles: I thought I told you to keep an eye on him. Coach: Stilinski! Jackson? Stiles: Sorry, Coach, I haven't seen him since the last time I saw him. Coach: Oh, and when was that? Stiles: Last time I saw him was definitely the time I saw him last. Coach: Yeah, again. Danny, tell Jackson no missing practice this close to the championships, okay? Danny: Sure, Coach. Coach: That goes for all of you. I should be coaching college. Danny: Sorry, but I only got two myself. Stiles: What - do you even have a date, yet? Danny: I'm working on it. Stiles: Okay, okay. Hear me out. You give us the tickets, and you devote your life to abstinence and just - Isaac: How do you two losers even survive? Scott: What are we supposed to do? No one's even selling. Isaac: Wait here, boys. Scott: What is he gonna - ? Stiles: Ow. Oh, my - yup. That's excessive. That'll bruise. Scott: Ow. Stiles: Wow, okay. Isaac: Enjoy the show. Allison: I'm sorry. I know that you said we can't talk like this anymore. Scott: What happened? Allison: Um - my dad and I, um - he knows about the last two murders. He knows that there are two killers, and he and Gerard - Scott: Hey, it's okay. That's not bad. If he knows, fine. I'm actually more worried about your mom. Allison: What does that mean? Scott: Uh, you remember when I got called out of detention to go to the office? She was the one that talked to me, and, uh, she was asking me all these questions about us. Like really, really specific questions. And there were pencils being sharpened. Allison: Pencils? Scott: Just trust me. It was bad. Um, and I - I think that we should do something like - like - be seen with other people. Allison: Like, be seen dating? Scott: Maybe more. What? Allison: Um - well, I don't - I don't know how it happened or why I even said yes, but I'm actually supposed to hang out with Matt. Scott: Oh. Oh, great. That's perfect. Go out with him. Allison: Seriously? Scott: Yeah, and make a big deal out of it in front of your mom, okay? Even kiss him if you have to. Allison: Kiss him? Are you sure about that? Scott: Uh - T - totally. Allison: Oh. Like, really kiss him? Scott: Well, what's "really kiss him" like? Allison: Like - Scott: Yeah, don't do that. What is it? Allison: Nothing. I got to go. Scott: I - I love you. Allison: You too. [SCENE_BREAK] Scott: Ketamine? Deaton: It's the same stuff we use on the dogs, just a higher dosage. If you can get close enough to Jackson, it should slow him down enough to buy you some time. This is some of what you'll use to create the barrier. This part is for you, Stiles. Only you. Stiles: Uh, that sounds like a lot of pressure. Can we maybe find a slightly less pressure - filled task for me? Deaton: It's from the Mountain ash tree, which is believed by many cultures to protect against the supernatural. This office is lined with ashwood, making it difficult for someone like Scott to cause me any trouble. Stiles: Okay, so then what? I just spread this around the whole building and then either Jackson or whoever's controlling him can't cross it? Deaton: They'll be trapped. Scott: Doesn't sound too hard. Deaton: Not all there is. Think of it like gunpowder. It's just powder until a spark ignites it. You need to be that spark, Stiles. Stiles: If you mean light myself on fire, I don't think I'm up for that. Deaton: Let me try a different analogy. I used to golf. I learned that the best golfers never swing before first imagining where they want the ball to go. They see it in their mind and their mind takes over. It can be pretty extraordinary what the force of your own will can accomplish. Stiles: Force of will. Deaton: If - if this is going to work, Stiles, you have to believe it. Stiles: Mm - hmm. Chris: All right. The party's in a warehouse just inside the industrial sector. Allison has learned that Jackson Whittemore will be there seeking his next target out of the crowd. Since we still have little clue as to just how strong he is, we need to be extremely cautious. When Allison has Jackson's location and has determined him to be at the optimal point where we can take him down, she'll signal me. "Optimal" meaning as far away from the crowd as possible. There will be no collateral damage tonight. Go ahead. Gerard: As willing a participant as she seems, your young protegee there also appears to be under the impression that we are planning a trap. Chris: She doesn't need to know any more than that. Gerard: For the rest of us then, let's be perfectly clear. You don't trap a creature this dangerous. You kill it. Stiles: Hey. Can't talk, got to run. Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What's wrong? Sheriff: Nothing. Stiles: Oh. Where's your gun? Sheriff: I left it at the station along with my badge. Stiles: What? Sheriff: It's all right. You know what? We'll talk about this later. Stiles: Dad. Sheriff: Don't worry about it. Stiles: Dad! Sheriff: It was decided that the son of a police chief stealing police property and having a restraining order filed against him by one of the town's most respected attorneys did not reflect well on the county. Stiles: They fired you? Sheriff: Nah. Look, it's - it's just a leave of absence. It's - it's temporary. Stiles: Did they say it was temporary or - Sheriff: Actually, no. You know, I - it's fine. Don't worry about it though. Hey. We're going to be fine. Stiles: Dad. I don't get it. Why - why aren't you angry at me? Sheriff: I don't know. Maybe I just don't want to feel any worse than I already do by having to yell at my son. Stiles: Oh, shoot. Scott: You okay? Stiles: Yeah, why? Scott: You just didn't say anything the whole way here. Stiles: No, I'm fine. Just grab the other bag. Scott: I can't. Remember Deaton said you have to do it alone. Stiles: Okay, this plan is really starting to suck. Scott: No. Not here, not now. Stiles: What? Scott! What am I supposed to - plan officially sucks. Allison: Matt, give me a second, okay? Scott: What are you doing? Allison: You told me to go out with him. Scott: No, not here. You don't get it. We have a plan. Allison: You have a plan? Okay, okay. My father and Gerard, they're coming here. Scott: What did you tell them? Allison: I - I told them - Scott: Allison! Allison: I - I had to tell them. Scott: Oh, my God, they know it's Jackson. Allison: People are dying, Scott. What am I supposed to do? Scott: You're supposed to trust me. Allison: I trust you more than anyone. Scott: We've - we had a plan. Allison: So do they. Scott: This isn't going to work. Allison: What do you want me to do? Okay, I can - I can fix it. Please, please, Scott. Just tell me. Scott: Just stay out of the way. Allison: Scott! Scott: Stay out of the way! Gerard: Careful, gentlemen. Something wicked this way comes. Isaac: Why me? Scott: Because I got to make sure that Argent doesn't completely ruin the plan. Okay, look, you better do it intravenously which means in the vein. When you find him, you pull back on this plunger right here. In the neck probably is going to be the easiest. So you find a vein, you jam it in there, and pull back on the trigger. Be careful. Isaac: Oh, I doubt it'll even slightly hurt him. Scott: No, I mean you. I don't want you to get hurt. Chris: Derek. Back off. Derek: Back off? That - that's really all you've got? I got to be honest, Chris. I was really expecting more from the, uh, big, bad veteran werewolf hunter. Chris: Okay, then. How about "didn't anyone ever tell you not to bring claws to a gunfight?" Boyd: That one sounded pretty good. Jackson: He belongs to me. Stiles: Oh, no. Stiles: Scott, pick up. Pick up now. Look, I got, like, 50 feet of ash left, and I'm out. Okay? So you got to get your wolf ass down here to help me because I don't know what to do. And I'm just standing out here and I'm - And I'm all alone, and I'm hearing gunfire and werewolves, and I'm - and I'm standing here like a frickin' idiot all by myself with a handful of magic fairy dust. And I don't have enough. Okay? Okay, come on, think. Um, okay. He said you got to believe. You need to believe. Come on, believe, Stiles. Just, uh - just picture it. Just imagine it working, okay? Just - imagine. Stiles: Yes! Victoria: You probably recognize this device. Pot used to be smoked in a rolled up piece of paper. These days, it seems like all you kids are given a free vaporizer with your medicinal marijuana card. Hmm. This type of wolfsbane is one of my favorites. Lovely smell. You probably won't think so. Scott: What? What are you doing? Victoria: Isn't it obvious? I'm killing you. Stiles: Uh, no, no, no! Just me, it's just me. Don't freak. He okay? Isaac: Well - let's find out. God - Stiles: Okay, no one does anything like that again, okay? Isaac: Oh, I thought the ketamine was supposed to put him out. Stiles: Yeah, well, apparently this is all we're going to get. So let's just hope that whoever's controlling him just decided to show up tonight. Jackson: I'm here. I'm right here with you. Victoria: It's going to look like an accident. Like you had an asthma attack and couldn't get to your inhaler in time. Your school records show you have a pretty severe case of asthma. Scott: Stop! Victoria: Too late. Looks like it's working. Uh - uh - uh. Matt: Want to move closer to the dj? Harris: She's 21. I told you I'd see a student here. Boyd: I think I stopped healing. Derek: Bullets - they're laced with wolfsbane. You got to go, take the car. Boyd: What about you? Derek: I have to find Scott. Go. Go! Stiles: Jackson, is that you? Jackson: Us. We're all here. Stiles: Are you the one killing people? Jackson: We are the ones killing murderers. Stiles: So all the people you've killed so far - Jackson: Deserved it. Stiles: See, we got a little rule book that says you only go after murderers. Jackson: Anything can break if enough pressure's applied. Stiles: All right, so the people you're killing are all murderers then? Jackson: All. Each. Every one. Stiles: Well, who did they murder? Jackson: Me. Stiles: Wait, what? What do you mean? Jackson: They murdered me. They murdered me. Matt: Not having a good time, are you? Allison: Ever feel like you have only the best intentions, but you're just making one mistake after another? Matt: No, unlike the rest of humanity, I'm perfect. Matt: Uh - I'm - I'm sorry. That - that was - that was a huge mistake. I'm - I'm sorry. Allison: No, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay. Actually, it's not okay. But I have to go make a call so - Stiles: Okay, all right. More ketamine. The man needs ketamine. Come on. Isaac: We don't have any more. Stiles: You used the whole bottle? Um - okay, out, everybody out. Isaac: Go, go, go, go. Stiles: Okay, find something to move in front of the door. Kara: Five minutes. Stiles: Hey, um, so we kind of lost Jackson inside, but it's - oh, my God. It's working. Oh, this is - I did something. Victoria: Alpha, beta, but what are you, Scott? Omega. Don't you know the lone wolf never survives without a pack? I've heard the cry of an omega. It's a miserable sound. The howl of a lone wolf. Scott: I'm not. Victoria: What? What is it? Scott: I'm not - alone. Ah! Derek: Scott? Stiles: What? Derek: Break it. Stiles: What? No way. Derek: Scott's dying! Stiles: Okay, what? How do you know that? Derek: Oh, my God, Stiles, I just know! Break it! Stiles: Ah - Scott: Allison - please tell her I'm sorry. Gerard: Hey, hey, hey, it's just me. We better get you out of here. Allison: It didn't work. None of it, none of it worked. Gerard: Oh, I wouldn't say that. In fact, I'd say the prognosis isn't nearly as dire as it seems. Not nearly. Mr. Whittemore: You really think it's a good idea being here? Sheriff: I just want to know her name. Mr. Whittemore: It was Kara. Kara Simmons. Sheriff: It's not here. Her name is not on the list. Derek: Thank you. Ms. Morrell: I can't decide if I admire your sentimentality or despise it. Deaton: If I want your opinion, I'll make an appointment with the guidance office. Ms. Morrell: From the state of things, I think you could use a little guidance. Are you really going to leave all of this up to a couple of kids? Deaton: They're more capable than you think. Ms. Morrell: And are you going to tell them what's coming? Deaton: They've got enough to worry about. Victoria: Chris!	Plan: A: his master; Q: Who commands Jackson to attend a secret rave? A: his next target; Q: What is the secret rave where Jackson is commanded to attend? A: Sheriff Stilinski; Q: Who is the Sheriff? A: 2006; Q: What year were all the victims of Jackson's murders in? A: Stiles's father; Q: Who loses his job because of Stiles's irresponsible behavior? A: the county; Q: What does Stiles's father's behavior reflect badly on? A: Scott; Q: Who is attacked by Victoria? A: Isaac drugs Jackson; Q: How does Isaac help Stiles? A: Derek; Q: Who saves Scott by biting Victoria? A: the process; Q: What does Derek bite Victoria in? Summary: Jackson is commanded by his master to attend a secret rave , where his next target is. Stiles and Sheriff Stilinski realize there is a pattern in the murders: all victims had been in the class of 2006. Stiles's father loses his job because Stiles's irresponsible behavior reflects badly on the county. Scott is attacked by Victoria, who attempts to kill him. Isaac drugs Jackson, and he and Erica join Stiles in interrogating his master, who speaks through him. Jackson transforms, successfully killing his target. Derek saves Scott, biting Victoria in the process.
-[Storybrooke]- (Mr. Gold's car comes to a stop in front of the town boundary. He gets out and then pops the truck, where Smee is bound and gagged inside. Mr. Gold removes the gag and leads Smee over to the town line.) Mr. Gold: This will only take a moment. Smee: Don't...push me over. If I cross the line, I'll lose my memory. It's a cruel fate. Mr. Gold: A fate you were more than willing to bestow upon Belle. (Mr. Gold kicks Smee to the ground and takes his hat.) Mr. Gold: You've had this rag since the day we met. Why is it so important to you? Smee: My grandmother made it for me when I was a boy. It's always brought me good fortune. What difference does it make? (Mr. Gold pours a potion over the hat, causing it to glow with magic.) Mr. Gold: Oh... All the difference in the world. It's your only chance. (He throws the hat back to Smee, who quickly puts it on.) Smee: What do you mean, my only- (Suddenly, Mr. Gold pushes Smee over the town boundary. A surge of blue magic pulses through his body, and then stops.) Mr. Gold: What's your name? Smee: William Smee. Mr. Gold: And who am I? Smee: Rumpelstiltskin. The Dark One. I remember everything! How can this be? Mr. Gold: Well, it seems our little experiment was a success. Now go. (Smee flees the scene.) Mr. Gold: I have a trip to plan. [SCENE_BREAK] (Several of the Storybrooke residents are gathered around a casket and a tombstone. It reads 'Archibald Hopper - Friend and Conscience'. Mary Margaret gives a eulogy to the crowd.) MMB: Some of us knew him as Archie. Others, as Jiminy. But we all knew him as a true friend. And though, he may now be gone, he will always live on inside of us. Reminding us to be our best selves, to do the right thing, to always fight for what we believe in. So, we shouldn't think of today as goodbye, just as a way of saying... Archie, we'll be listening. (Marco walks up to the tombstone and lays Archie's umbrella against it.) Marco: I miss you so much, my friend. Well, at least... You are in a better place. [SCENE_BREAK] (In the hold of Hook's ship, Hook is interrogating Archie, who is still tied up.) Archie: Wait! No, please, don't! Wait! Please! Please! Hook: Shh... As your patient, the Dark One must've told you all manner of secrets. Where is his dagger? Archie: I don't know anything about a dagger. Hook: No, you don't, do you? It's his weakness. Now, tell me, does he have any others? (Archie doesn't respond.) Hook: Very well. I've always wanted to dissect a cricket. (Hook digs his hook into Archie's forehead.) Archie: No! Wait. Wait. Please. Hook: Ah... That's more like it. Now tell me, Cricket, what is his weakness? [SCENE_BREAK] (Belle enters Mr. Gold's Pawn Shop.) Belle: Hey. What, uh... What's wrong that you couldn't tell me on the phone? Mr. Gold: I did it. I can leave. Belle: You can cross the town line? Mr. Gold: Indeed, I can. When I pour this potion onto the object I hold most dear, that object becomes a talisman, and allows me to cross the town line and still remember who I am. Belle: And who you're looking for? Mr. Gold: My boy. Belle: What, um... What will you enchant? Mr. Gold: Well... (Mr. Gold reveals a hidden safe behind a painting. He unlocks the safe, a pulls out a well worn shawl.) Mr. Gold: This shawl...is all I have left of my Baelfire. Belle: I don't suppose I could come with you? Mr. Gold: No, I... I... I truly wish you could, but... I only have enough of this potion for one object. (He puts the shawl back into the safe.) Mr. Gold: Hey. This is my journey, Belle. This is my journey. I'm afraid it's something I have to do alone. (They hug.) Belle: I know. -[Fairy Tale Land - Past]- (Belle is reading at a table in a pub. She watches a crowd gather around a man on the other side of the room.) Man: There's a fearsome beast ravaging a faraway kingdom. Its eyes burn with fire. They call it the yaoguai. No man has been able to kill it, but we will. There's room on our wagon. Now, who's going to join us? (Grumpy approaches Belle's table and sits down.) Grumpy: Looking for an adventure? Belle: Dreamy, right? Grumpy: Yes. I came to thank you. That advice you gave me last night? It worked. Nova and I are running away together. Belle: That... That's wonderful. Grumpy: Why don't you sign up? Belle: I, um... I've always dreamt of heroics, but... I think it's safer I stick to my books. They're the only adventures I know that have happy endings. Grumpy: Well, maybe this one'll have one, too. Belle: Well, yeah, I doubt it. Last time I faced a beast, it... It didn't end well. Grumpy: What are you talking about? Man: Men, follow me. Yaoguai awaits. (The men begin filing out of the tavern.) Grumpy: Get on that wagon. Go. Take a chance. Belle: Thank you. (Belle packs up her book and goes to leave, but Grumpy stops her.) Grumpy: Wait! Belle, wait. It's fairy dust. Might come in handy. (He hands Belle a small satchel.) Belle: Oh, no... Thank you, I... I've seen what magic does to people. Grumpy: You've seen what dark magic does. Fairies use this for good. Now go be a hero. Belle: Okay. (She runs off to catch up to the group.) -[Storybrooke]- (Belle enters the library and grabs a handful of books to put away. She runs into Hook, who is reading a book in one of the aisles.) Belle: Uh, sorry. The... The library's not open yet. Hook: Oh. I'm not here for the books, love. Belle: You. You're the one who broke into my cell at the Queen's palace. (Belle runs out into the main part of the library, and Hook follows her.) Belle: You wanted to kill Rumpelstiltskin. Hook: Oh, I still do. But, right now, I'll settle for you. (She pushes a cart of books on top of Hook and runs into the elevator. Hook frees himself from the pile and dashes towards the elevator, but the door shuts in his face. He bangs on the elevator door, while Belle calls Mr. Gold from inside.) Mr. Gold: Hey, Belle. Belle: Rumpel, I'm... I'm in the elevator. There's a man here. He broke in. He wants to kill me. Mr. Gold: Belle? You're... You're breaking up. Who's in the library? Belle: ...Pirate- Mr. Gold: Belle? Belle: ...A hand. Missing a hand- Mr. Gold: Belle? Belle: Hello? (The line cuts out and Belle hangs up the phone.) Mr. Gold: Belle? -[Fairy Tale Land - Past]- (Belle has managed to catch up with the group of travelers. She sits on the back of the wagon, reading her book.) Man: What's that? Belle: Uh, a book? I trust you've seen them before. Man: You expect to defeat the fiercest creature in the land with a book? Man 2: Maybe she means to bore it to death. Belle: It will tell us how to find the yaoguai. Man: These are just scribbles. Belle: It's called another language. And one that I know how to translate. Man: What? Belle: Oh, I thought it was just scribbles? Man: We're here to protect the land, girl. If that book tells us where to go, you shall share it with us. Belle: It says we'll find the yaoguai by the lake. Man: The lake, you say? Belle: Yes. Man: You heard her, Claude! We're going to the lake! (The man pushes Belle off the wagon while it's still in motion and yells to the driver.) Man 2: To the lake! Belle: Wait! Man: Don't forget your book! (The man tosses the book towards Belle. Belle picks it up, and then, looking smug, she yells to the distant wagon.) Belle: Enjoy the lake! (She reads a passage of the book aloud.) Belle: The yaoguai prefers mountain habitats to all others. The yaoguai hibernates by day, hunts by night. (Belle tracks down the yaoguai, until she arrives in front of a cave in the forest.) Belle: Please be asleep. (She draws a dagger and begins slowly approaching the cave. However, she steps on a branch, alerting the yaoguai to her presence. The yaoguai charges out of the cave towards Belle. She runs, but trips and falls to the ground. Mulan, who has been waiting in secret, shoots the yaoguai with an arrow, scaring it off.) Belle: How ever can I thank you? Y-you saved my life. Mulan: And you ruined my hunt. It took me weeks to track the yaoguai here. Belle: Yeah. I found it in a day. Mulan: You had luck on your side. Belle: No, not luck. It was this. (She holds up her book.) Belle: I could, uh... I can help you find it again. Mulan: You've done enough damage already. If you really want to help? Stay out of my way. -[Storybrooke]- (Belle is still trapped in the elevator. There is someone banging on the door, trying to get in. When the door opens, it turns out to be Mr. Gold, not Hook. She runs into his arms.) Mr. Gold: Belle. Mr. Gold: It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. Here. (He places his jacket over her shoulders.) Belle: Where... Where is he? Mr. Gold: I don't know. But you've nothing to fear. I'm here now. [SCENE_BREAK] (At Mary Margaret's apartment, Henry is brooding on his bed. Emma enters the room with a pop tart on a plate.) Emma: Hey, kid. You hungry? I managed to wrangle up a pop tart. Henry: No, thanks. (Emma heads back to the living room, where Mary Margaret and the rest of the funeral attendees are gathered.) Emma: Well, that went well. MMB: Emma, you're doing all you can do. Emma: That's what makes me feel awful. Leroy: Ladies? The dwarves have been thinking. We have to ask - when do we go back? Emma: Back? Where? Leroy: The Enchanted Forest. Our home. MMB: You want to go back? Emma: We fought really hard to get here. Leroy: But with what Regina did to Archie, Storybrooke ain't as safe as we thought. Emma: We're going to find her. There's only so many places she can hide. MMB: We've dealt with her before, we'll do it again. Leroy: But it's not just her. The curse is broken. There's a whole world full of people beyond the town line that don't know who or what we are. Ever think of what might happen if one of them were to come pay us a visit? Ruby: He's right. What if they see, you know, magic? Like a girl turning into a wolf, for example? Folks weren't exactly understanding back in our world. Emma: Okay, let's not worry about 'what ifs'. No one is here. Leroy: Yet. Maybe they come, maybe they don't. But that doesn't change the fact that while we might enjoy things like penicillin, we're a bit homesick. [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr. Gold and Belle are walking along to main street back to Mr. Gold's shop.) Belle: Where are you going? Mr. Gold: The shop. Belle: Why? Mr. Gold: Well, let's just say, there are many wonderful things in there, that I could use to make sure that pirate never comes near you ever again. Belle: Rumpel, no. We... We need to report this to the Sheriff. They'll take care of him. You're so close to finding your son. Please. Please, don't let your hatred for this man get in the way of that. Mr. Gold: But he tried to harm you. Belle: But why? What... What happened between you two? Mr. Gold: Belle... This is really not your concern. Belle: He attacked me. It most definitely is my concern. Mr. Gold: Many years ago, I was married to a woman named Milah... Until Hook crossed our paths. Belle: She was Baelfire's mother? Mr. Gold: Yeah. And because of that marauding cur, he grew up without her. He took my wife - he took Bae's mother - so I took his hand. Belle: That's why he came after me. But, uh, what... What about her? What... What did he do? Rumpel, you can... You can tell me anything. Mr. Gold: She died. That's all that matters. (They arrive at the shop and they both enter. Inside, they discover that the entire shop has been ransacked.) Belle: What happened here? Mr. Gold: Hook. This is why he attacked you. Belle: To get you out of the store. What did he want? (Mr. Gold checks the safe and finds it empty. From a nearby rooftop, Hook spies on the pair through a telescope. Smee, holding the stolen shawl, joins Hook.) Hook: You have it, Mr. Smee? Smee: What is it, Captain? Hook: It's the end of the crocodile's hope. Now he's trapped here. [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr. Gold begins smashing things with his cane, until Belle stops him.) Belle: Rumpel! Rumpel! Stop it! Stop, please. Mr. Gold: No, you're right. Belle: Hey... Mr. Gold: I'll have to retrieve what's mine. (He stalks towards the exit.) Belle: Let me... Let me help you. Mr. Gold: This is my fight. Belle: And this is my fault! If Hook had never attacked me, you never would have left the shop. Mr. Gold: How do you propose that we get the shawl back? Have you dueled with a pirate before? How exactly are you going to help me? Belle: Well, I'm not just going to sit here and do nothing! Mr. Gold: No. You're going to go back to the library, lock the door, and wait for me to dispense with this problem! Belle: And, if I don't? You'll... You'll cast some spell that gives me no choice? Mr. Gold: No. I trust you'll do as I wish, as you trust me to be a better man. Belle, please. Hook has maybe cost me the chance of finding my son. I don't want to lose you, too. Here, look. I want you to take this. (Mr. Gold pulls a gun out of one of the drawers and hands it to Belle.) Mr. Gold: Just in case Hook is stupid enough to come after you again. Point this, pull this trigger, and the gun'll do the rest for you. Alright? Alright?! Belle: Yes, yes. (He tries to leave, again, but Belle stops him at the door.) Belle: W-wait. Promise me that you going after Hook is just about getting the shawl back. (Mr. Gold doesn't respond, and abruptly leaves.) -[Fairy Tale Land - Past]- (In a village center, Belle is pulling up a bucket of water from a well, when two of the men from the wagon ambush her. One grabs her and holds her over the well, while the other interrogates her.) Man: The yaoguai wasn't at the lake. Belle: I'm, uh... I'm sorry. I... I m... I must've misread that one. Man: See, you know what I think happened? I think you sent us in the wrong direction on purpose. (Suddenly, one of the men is hit and is thrown onto the ground. Mulan emerges from the crowd of villagers.) Mulan: Let her go. Man: This isn't your fight, solider. (The second man draws his sword and begins to swipe at Mulan. Unarmed, she twists him onto the ground, losing her helmet in the process.) Man 2: Wait. You're a- (She punches him in the face.) Mulan: Yeah, I know. (Mulan notices that a crowd has gathered at the scene. She directs her attention towards the men.) Mulan: Go. (The two of them leave. Mulan approaches Belle.) Belle: I didn't expect to see you again. Thank you. Mulan: I had to put up with brutes like them when I served in the Emperor's army. Fools who think we have no business holding a sword. I only wish there was someone there to stand up for me. (Mulan grimaces in pain and grabs her knee. It's clearly wounded.) Belle: You're, uh... You're bleeding. Mulan: I'll survive. The sun should be setting soon. We need to move out. Belle: What... What... What do you mean, 'we'? Mulan: You tracked the yaoguai in a matter of hours. It took me weeks. You track the beast, and I'll kill it. Belle: I'd be honoured to help you. -[Storybrooke]- (Belle is cleaning up the mess of books at the library. Amongst the pile, she finds a knotted piece of rope. Curious, she finds a book titled 'A Nautical Guide', and looks through. She finds a page on ship knots and discovers that the piece of knotted rope is called 'the Monkey's Fist'.) Belle: Hook came here on his ship. [SCENE_BREAK] (Carrying a bag, Smee heads down the main street of Storybrooke. When he reaches a parking lot, he is confronted by Mr. Gold.) Mr. Gold: Leaving town, Mr. Smee? (Using magic, Mr. Gold pins Smee to the wall. He struggles to breathe.) Mr. Gold: I spared your life. And this is how you repay me? That object you stole from me - I want it back. Smee: I gave it to Hook. Mr. Gold: And where is he? Smee: I don't know. W-we met on a rooftop. He didn't tell me anything. Mr. Gold: And why would he? Hook knows exactly what you are, Mr. Smee - a sniveling rat. (In a puff of black smoke, Mr. Gold magically transforms Smee into a rat.) Mr. Gold: Now, scurry off. [SCENE_BREAK] (Belle makes her way down to the docks to search for Hook's ship, but finds it deserted.) Belle: Where is it? (Above her, she notices several seagulls perched on a seemingly invisible object. She grabs a handful of feed from a nearby container and throws it at the base of the 'ship'. The feed reveals the stairway leading onto the boat.) Belle: Found you. (Belle carefully walks up the stairs until she crosses an invisible barrier, which allows her to see the ship for herself. She goes below deck, where she hears Archie yell out.) Archie: Hello? Belle: Uh... H-Hello? Archie: Down here! (Belle opens the grate and finds Archie tied up inside.) Archie: Belle! Oh, thank God! Belle: Archie! You're... You... You're okay! Archie: Yes, I... I... I am. I... I... Can... Can you, uh... (She grabs a nearby sword and cuts Archie's ropes. He unties his legs himself, and climbs out.) Belle: Go. Find Mr. Gold. Tell him I'm here. Bring him back to the ship. Archie: Wait. You're not coming with me? (A creaking noise is heard from above.) Belle: Go. Go! Go, go! There's no time to argue. (Archie exits, leaving Belle behind.) [SCENE_BREAK] (David and Mary Margaret are washing dishes at the apartment. They see Henry sitting on his bed and calling someone.) David: Who's he calling? (The recording on Archie's office phone is faintly heard.) Recording: You've reached the office of Archibald Hopper. I'm sorry I can't take your call right now. I'm either with a patient- Henry: Or dead. (Henry hangs up. David sits next to him on the bed.) David: It's okay, buddy. Things will get better, I promise. You just...got to hang in there. Henry: Doesn't feel that way. David: I know. I know. (Pongo suddenly enters through the front door and rushes over to where Henry is sitting.) Henry: Pongo! MMB: How did he get in here? (Emma enters.) Emma: I brought him. Marco and I had a chat. Archie knew how much Henry loves this dog. We decided he should have him. That is, if you're up for taking care of him, Henry. Henry: Yeah, I am! (They see the trail of mud brought in by Pongo.) Emma: Henry, why don't you take Pongo outside and clean him up? Henry: Okay. Come on. Come on, boy! Come on! Let's go! Come on, boy. (Henry exits.) Emma: Alright, look. I know that there's a lot to work out logistically, but- MMB: No, no, no. I think giving Pongo to Henry is a great idea. It's just, four people and a dalmatian in this loft. Things might get a little- Emma: Cramped. I know. We'll get creative. MMB: Or... We could get our own place. Emma: You want to do what? David: You want to move out? MMB: Whoa! I... It's just a suggestion. Emma: After twenty-eight years, isn't this what we've all been waiting for? To be together under the same roof? MMB: Yes! I just... Imagined a bigger roof. ...With turrets. Being here in Storybrooke, we have a chance at a fresh start. Let's take it. [SCENE_BREAK] (Belle places the gun on a counter and begins to search the room for the shawl. She finds a locked box on a shelf, but no key. She eventually finds the key on one of the shelves and opens the box. Inside, however, there is only a few pieces of gold. Holding the shawl, Hook enters behind her.) Hook: Looking for this? Belle: Uh, that doesn't belong to you. Hook: Oh, it does now. (The both glance at the gun. Belle attempts to grab it, but Hook is faster.) Hook: Oh... My dear Belle, you should've stayed with your books. Real life can get so... Messy. (He points to gun at her head.) -[Fairy Tale Land - Past]- (Mulan and Belle are traveling through the woods, when they come to a ridge.) Belle: It's just ahead. Mulan: You found it. Your books serve you well. (Below, they see a burning village. Mulan cringes in pain due to her injured knee.) Belle: Mulan, your leg's getting worse. Mulan: No. I have to protect my village. (Mulan attempts to walk, but collapses in Belle's arms.) Belle: You can't even walk. How... How are you going to kill the yaoguai? Mulan: I'm not. You are. Belle: Me? I... I'm... I'm... I'm not a soldier. Mulan: You have good instincts. You tracked down that beast faster than I ever could. Belle: Uh, tracking it and killing it are not the same thing. Mulan: There was once a time when people didn't think that I had what it took, either, but I proved them wrong. Belle: How? Mulan: By showing them that I had the warrior spirit. Once I found something worth fighting for, I fought for it with everything that I had. I never gave up. Belle... The fate of my village depends on you. (Mulan unbuckles her sword and hands it to Belle.) Mulan: Don't be afraid. -[Storybrooke]- (Hook still has the gun pointed at Belle's head.) Belle: I'm not afraid of you, and I'm not leaving without that. (He places the shawl on the counter.) Hook: Well, I admire your loyalty. But helping Rumpelstiltskin? I'm afraid you're fighting a lost cause. Belle: He needs that shawl to find his son. Hook: And what makes you think his son wants to be found? Mm? I'm doing that boy a favour. Belle: Have you not hurt Rumpel enough? Hook: Oh. I've hurt him? Belle: You stole his wife. Hook: Tell me something, love. If a woman comes to you and begs you to take her away, is that theft? Belle: Why would she leave him? Hook: Because he was a coward. And because she loved me. I should have burned this the moment I acquired it. Belle: Why didn't you? Hook: Because she made it. Belle: I'm sorry she died, but... Vengeance? Vengeance won't bring her back. Hook: Died? Like it was some kind of accident? Is that what he told you? Belle: He... Well, he... He didn't say. Hook: No, of course not. Of course he'd leave out the most important detail of her passing. Belle: And, uh... What would that be? Hook: He killed her. He ripped out her heart, and he crushed it right in front of me. Belle: No... Hook: Oh, yes. Belle: No! Hook: Yes. He will do anything - anything - to hold on to his power. Why do you think anyone who's ever gotten close to him, has either run away, or been killed? Now, what makes you think you're any different? Tell me something, darling. Why would you want to fight for a man like that? Belle: Because I still see good in him. Because I believe he's changed. Because his heart? Is true. And yours? Yours is rotten. (Belle slams the oar that's handing from the ceiling into Hook's head. He stumbles backwards and falls into the storage area where Archie was held. Belle grabs the shawl from the counter and runs upstairs.) Hook: You have no idea... (Belle makes her way above deck, where Hook cuts her off.) Belle: How the hell did you... Hook: Oh, I know this ship like the back of my... Well, you know. I'd suggest you give that back to me now. (Mr. Gold arrives on deck.) Mr. Gold: Or what? Hook: Ah. You look different in this world, crocodile. Like the coward I met so long ago - limp, and all. Mr. Gold: And yet, you still can't kill me. Hook: Let's have it, Dark One. What magic are you going to hide behind today? Mr. Gold: Oh, no. Not magic. (Mr. Gold hits Hook upside the head with his cane, causing him to fall back. Mr. Gold then furiously begins to beat Hook with his cane.) Belle: Rumpel! Hey, let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Mr. Gold: No, not yet, Belle. (He hits him again. Belle holds up the shawl.) Belle: This - this is what you came for. This is what's going to get you back to Bae. Hook: Ah, you're wasting your breath, love. He can't resist. He has to prove that he's not a coward. Mr. Gold: You may want to turn away, Belle. This isn't going to be pretty. (Mr. Gold again begins to beat Hook with his cane.) -[Fairy Tale Land - Past]- (Belle sees the yaoguai in a field, leaving behind a fiery trail. She yells to it in order to coax it towards her.) Belle: Over here! Over here! (Belle runs into the nearby village, which appears to be abandoned, with the yaoguai trailing close behind. Belle waits by the above ground water system and draws her sword. When the yaoguai approaches, she slashes the pipes, releasing a blast of water. The water extinguishes the yaoguai's flames and it flails helplessly on the ground. Belle approaches the creature, and sees that it's writing symbols in the dirt.) Belle: You... You're writing something. Jiu wo. Save me. You need help. (She sheathes her sword and instead takes out the satchel of fairy dust.) Belle: Let's, uh... Let's give this a try, shall we? (She sprinkles the fairy dust over the yaoguai, and in a puff of purple smoke, transforms the beast into a human - Phillip.) Prince Phillip: The curse... You broke it. Belle: Someone... Someone did this to you? Prince Phillip: Maleficent - an evil sorceress from my kingdom determined to do everything in her power to keep me apart from Aurora, my true love. So she exiled me to this land, and turned me into a monster. I tried to warn the villagers, but... No one understood what I really was. Except you. Belle: Well, you're not the first beast I've faced. Prince Phillip: I am forever in your debt. Please, tell me how I might repay you. Belle: My friend's hurt. She... She needs a doctor. As do you. Help me bring her back to the village. Prince Phillip: It would be my honour. -[Storybrooke]- (Mr. Gold continues to beat Hook in a blind rage as Belle watches.) Hook: Do it! Do it! Kill me! He has to show you how powerful he is. Belle: No, Rumpel. This... This is what he wants. To destroy every bit of good in you. Hook: Rip my heart out. Kill me like you did Milah, and then I'll finally be reunited with her. Mr. Gold: He has to die, Belle. (Mr. Gold drops his cane and lunges for Hook's throat.) Belle: No! No, he doesn't! There's still good in you. I see it. I've always seen it. Please. Please show me I'm not wrong. Mr. Gold: You take your little ship, and sail until you fall off the edge of the world. I never want to see you again. Let's go. [SCENE_BREAK] (At. Granny's Diner, Mary Margaret and David are looking through the real estate available in Storybrooke.) MMB: I really liked this one. David: I don't know. The yard looks kind of small. MMB: You going to say that about every house we look at? David: I grew up on a farm. MMB: This isn't about the houses, is it? David: We buried a friend this morning, Mary Margaret, and it made me realize... I don't want to die here. MMB: But our home, David? It doesn't exist anymore. The ogres are back. Cora's in power. David: Which is exactly why we need to return. To make things right - to fight. MMB: I'm tired of fighting! That's all we've ever done. We have a chance here - a chance to be together. David: But what if we don't belong here? Isn't it worth it to fight for what we really want? MMB: Unless, we don't want the same thing. [SCENE_BREAK] (At Mary Margaret's apartment, Henry is drawing at the table, while Pongo lies near his feet. Emma enters.) Emma: You plotting your escape from Shawshank, kid? Henry: No, they're blueprints. I had some ideas for what to do if David and Mary Margaret move out. Look. Emma: You want to make Mary Margaret's room an armory? Henry: Yeah. You know, for weapons and stuff. To protect us - from Regina. Emma: She's not going to hurt you. I'm not going to let her. Henry: She hurt Archie. What if she wants to take me back? Emma: That's not going to happen. (There's a knock on the door, which causes Pongo to become agitated.) Emma: Pongo? What is it? (Emma answers the door and discovers Archie - alive.) Emma: Archie... Archie: Hi. Emma: What happened? Archie: It was Cora. She kidnapped me. Henry: Archie? Archie: Henry. Oh! (Henry and Archie embrace.) Archie: Oh, it's alright. I'm fine. I'm fine. Emma: Henry. We were wrong. Regina didn't do it. Henry: I knew it. Maybe we should let her know. Emma: Yeah. But something tells me, either way, we're going to pay the price. [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr. Gold's car pulls up in front of the town boundary. He and Belle sit inside and talk. He holds up the shawl.) Mr. Gold: This would have been lost if it wasn't for you, Belle. I would have been lost. After everything you've learned about me, after everything I've done, why haven't you given up on me? Belle: I learned a long time ago, that when you find something that's worth fighting for, you never give up. -[Fairy Tale Land - Past]- (Belle and Phillip arrive to where Mulan has set up camp.) Belle: My... My friend's over that ridge. There she is. Mulan: Belle. You're alive. Belle: I, uh... I did it. I defeated the yaoguai. ...With a little help. Mulan: Who are you? Prince Phillip: I was the yaoguai. Belle: He was cursed. So, I helped him. Now he's going to help you. Mulan: Wait. You're not coming? Belle: I have another beast to face. Goodbye. (Belle hands Mulan her sword, and Mulan hands Belle her book.) Mulan: Goodbye, Belle. (Belle heads into the forest.) Prince Phillip: We haven't been properly introduced. My name's Phillip. Mulan: Mulan. [SCENE_BREAK] (Belle walks a bit through the woods until she reaches a road.) Belle: I'm coming back, Rumpel. (Behind her, the Evil Queen, several of her guards, and the two men from the wagon have tracked her down.) Evil Queen: Isn't that sweet? Still fighting for true love, even to the bitter end. Belle: How did you find me? Evil Queen: You really should be nicer to your traveling companions. Right, Claude? Take her to the tower. (Two of the guards grab her and drag her towards a wooden cell.) Belle: What? No. What are you... What are you doing? I... I can save him! Just let me go to him. I... I can break his curse! Evil Queen: You already tried and failed. That monster's beyond saving. I'm sparing you a lifetime of pain and misery. (They lock her inside.) Belle: You... You can't keep us apart forever! I'll fight for him. I'll never stop fighting for him! -[Storybrooke]- (Mr. Gold and Belle approach the town line. Mr. Gold pours the potion over the shawl, causing it to glow with magic.) Belle: Okay... Mr. Gold: Here we go. (He crosses the spray painted boundary, causing a surge of magic to pulse through his body.) Mr. Gold: Belle... (Belle edges closer to the town line and grabs Mr. Gold's hand.) Belle: It... It worked. Mr. Gold: Yes, it did. It did. Belle: Now you can find your son. Mr. Gold: Oh, Belle, I so wish you were coming with me. Belle: As do I, but... It doesn't matter. Mr. Gold: And why not? Belle: Because you'll find him. And, when you do, I'll be here waiting for you when you get back. (They go to hug, when a shot rings out. Belle falls forward across the town line, causing the magic to surge through her. Behind them, Hook is pointing the gun in their direction.) Hook: I wouldn't count on it. Mr. Gold: Belle?! Belle? Belle! (He lowers Belle to the ground. She looks up at him with a confused look on her face.) Belle: W-Who's Belle? Mr. Gold: Oh, no. No, no, no, no... Hook: Oh, fear not. She'll live. She'll just have no idea who you are. Mr. Gold: What you've done cannot be undone. Hook: Well, now you finally know how it feels! Well, go ahead, crocodile. Do your worst! Mr. Gold: Oh, I intend to. (Mr. Gold magically produces a fireball in his hand. He goes to throw it, but a car suddenly barrels down the road towards them. Mr. Gold grabs Belle and rolls them both out of the way, but the car ends up hitting Hook. Hook ends up unconscious on the side of the road, while the car swerves and crashes into a large boulder. The car comes to a stop and the license plate can be seen. The car is from Pennsylvania.) -[End]-	Plan: A: Mr. Gold; Q: Who is testing a spell to see if it will allow him to cross the border of Storybrooke without losing his memory? A: his memory; Q: What does the test subject not lose? A: his son; Q: What is Bae? A: Belle; Q: Who meets Mulan? A: a vengeful Hook; Q: Who is trying to eradicate Rumplestiltskin? A: the Storybrooke harbor; Q: Where does Belle stumble upon a vengeful Hook? A: house hunting; Q: What do Mary Margaret and David do to find a bigger place to live? A: Mulan; Q: Who does Belle meet in the fairytale land? A: a fearsome beast; Q: What is the Yaoguai? A: Yaoguai; Q: What is the name of the beast that Belle and Mulan set out to slay? A: the land; Q: What has the Yaoguai been ravaging? Summary: Mr. Gold finds an unwilling test subject to see if a spell he has concocted will allow him to cross the border of Storybrooke -- without losing his memory -- and go in search of his son, Bae; Belle stumbles upon a vengeful Hook in the Storybrooke harbor whose main goal is to eradicate Rumplestiltskin; and Mary Margaret and David go house hunting in search of a bigger place to live. Meanwhile, in the fairytale land that was, Belle meets Mulan as the two set out to slay a fearsome beast called the Yaoguai, who has been ravaging the land.
Michael: Everybody! Everybody! Listen up, I need your ideas, now! Ideas please, right now! Go! Go! Come on! Pam: Michael we don't know what you're talking about... Michael: Wet cement, outside. It's drying fast, come on. This is a lifelong dream. What do I write? What do I write? Kevin: Michael you could put your initials in it. Michael: M.G.S.? No. Some idiot named Mark Greg Sputnik will claim credit for it. I don't... Jim: Yeah that's true. Michael: Once in a lifetime opportunity people! Come on, here we go! Phyllis: We-- we-- Michael: Here we go! Phyllis: Well-- Michael: Let's, yes? Phyllis: When I was a little girl... Michael: Okay... Okay, do it! Go on! Great! Let's hear it! Phyllis: We-we found some wet cement in the park... Michael: It's drying, it's drying... Phyllis: In our neighborhood... Michael: Alright, hablbelah, come on, Phyl! Phyllis: What did we write? Michael: Ahh come on! Andy: Here it is, you should draw a picture... Michael: No! Andy: Cause that says, that says... Michael: No! Andy: So much more than words... Michael: No!! Come on, gimme something good! Kelly: Ok, ok, I was watching E!, and I saw Will Smith outside the Chinese Theater, and omhmygod, he looked so good... Michael: Pam, translate. Pam: She's talking about the handprints that celebrities make in the cement. Michael: I love it! Jim: If you were a real star you would put your face in it. Michael: I love it more! Oscar: Michael that doesn't seem... safe. Michael: I... love it!! Haha, come on! Dwight: Come on! [Kevin and Dwight laugh and follow Michael] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: We are here today, not to immortalize a man, but an idea... Maybe the idea of a man. Michael: [with petroleum jelly on his face] Hurry, please. Jim: Greatness is only skin deep, some people say... Dwight: Can you breathe? Jim: Well that's not true. Other people believe it's deeper inside... Dwight: Hold your breath. Jim: And in this case... Dwight: Ready? Jim: That's also not true. Dwight: And... go. [Michael sticks his face in the cement] Force it in as deep as you can. Michael: [muffled] That's what she said. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Today is a very special day for me. And it's really not about me, it's about my grandkids, it's about my great grandkids... I can come back here when I'm 100, and I can find that piece of cement and say, "That's me. Look kids, your daddy left that face hole..." I dunno, it's a good feeling. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [playing with Madlibs] Okay, adjective... Angela: Um... tall. No, no, uh, nice. Andy: Good one. Okay, you ready? Angela: Mmhmm. Andy: [reads] The tall man entered the nice building to visit a very nice man. "Sit down, Mr. Smith, can I interest you in any good... cat food?" Angela: [laughing] It's a man eating cat food. Andy: What about a cat eating man food? [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Andy and Angela seem very happy... I hope nothing horrible ever happens to them. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [wearing glasses] Um... yeah, I slept over at a, uh, friend's house and, I forgot my contact solution, so... I had to wear my backup glasses... Shut up. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: All right, everybody... Oh my God, Pam, those make you look so ugly. Um, Pam, in order to get hotter, you take the glasses off. You're moving in the wrong direction... Pam: I don't have my contacts... Michael: Ub, dub dah, don't need, I can't even hear you. It's just noise coming out of an ugly scientist. Um, everybody, we're going to have a little brainstorming session in the conference room. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Ener-gize... Jim: You know what would energize me? If you, Pamela Morgan Beesly... Pam: Don't, don't-- Jim: Would... Pam: If you propose to me during a Michael meeting, I will say no. Jim: Well, it's too late, because I'm proposing... that you get me a cup of coffee, which would energize me greatly, and make me the happiest man in the world. Michael: Everybody, so how are we going to energize our office? I mean, I haven't done anything since Christmas. Pam, clearly, has just given up trying. So what we need to do is we get things going, we need to get percolating a little bit. Anybody have any ideas of what we could do. Any suggestions? Yes, Andy? Andy: What if we changed our outgoing answering machine message, so it just had a little more... zing, and a little more pep? Michael: Zing and pep, see that's those are the kind of words we're looking for. Yes, Jim? Jim: What about if we did an even newer voicemail message that had even more zing and pep? Michael: Now we're cooking. I like this. Maybe a whole theme, like a rap. A rap rhyme... Jim: An urban thing... Michael: An urban, yeah, Stanley? You wanna help us out with that?... Stanley, earth to Stanley... Stanley: Not me. Michael: Yes you. Come on, Stanley, put your little game down and join the group. Stanley: No. Michael: Stanley, we're havin a little... Stanley: Leave me alone, dammit. Michael: We're havin a little brainstorm session... Stanley: DID I STUTTER? Michael: ...Good, this is good. I'm going to grab a glass of water. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: Can I talk to you a second? Michael: Ugh, what? Toby: Uh, I really think that you need to address what happened with Stanley this morning... Michael: What are you blabbering about? Nothing happened. Toby: Well, you know, Stanley was openly insubordinate. Michael: That? In the conference room? Toby: Yeah. Michael: We were joshin around, the two of us, and he said "did I stutter," and I said "wha-wha-wha-wha-what, dawg?" It was joking, Toby, alright? Toby: He didn't seem like he was joking. Michael: Well you don't get it, because Stanley is a beautiful, sassy, powerful black man, and you're... you. If you had any friends, you would understand. Friends joke with one another[/b]: "Hey um, you're poor." "Well hey, you're mama's dead." That's what friends do. It's... you're so white. Toby: Alright... Well, um, if you really believe that Stanley was joking... Michael: Mmhmm. Toby: Um, why don't you go ask him that? Michael: Okay, I will... I'm not feeling very well right now though. My stomach hurts, so I may be going home early today, but... Toby: You know, Michael, sometimes my daughter's stomach hurts when there's a mean girl at school... Michael: Well sometimes my stomach hurts when you come into my office, so it's probably psychological. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: You meet a lot of ladies driving an Xterra, because you pull up to a stoplight, and look over and there's an Xterra next to you. They're always driven by chicks, so there's your icebreaker. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [kicks the car] Unh! Scratch. Andy: That's a racing stripe. Dwight: Uh, bumper's sagging. Andy: Mmm, I doubt that very much. Dwight: This car's crap. I will buy it for next to nothing. Andy: How next to? Dwight: Well, here are your options[/b]: you can sell it for parts, drive it off a cliff... you can donate it to a person that you'd like to see die in a car crash, or, you can sell it to me, and I'll use it as I would a wagon on my farm. It will be towed by a donkey. Andy: I have to pick one of those? Dwight: Yes. Andy: Can you go over those options again? Dwight: You know what? You knock $1500 of the price right now, and I will take it off your hands. It's gotta be now. Andy: Well I have the, the blue book value... Dwight: Seal the deal. Let's do it. Let's do this thing. Three, two, one-- Andy: Can I think about it? Dwight: Five, four, three, two... Andy: Let me think about it-- Dwight: Now. Now. Now. Andy: Let me think about it-- Dwight: Say it. Do it. Now. Andy: I'm thinking about it-- Dwight: Do it now. Andy: Thinking-- Dwight: Do it. Shake my hand. You will sell me this car. Shake my hand. Andy: Yeah. All right! [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: What. Michael: I, uh, see that you... gave me that form that I asked you to give me, Stanley the manly, so thank you for that. I guess we are back to normal. Stanley: What are you talking about? Michael: Well, you know, uh, the thing that you said earlier, that you didn't mean, um, and that I forgive you for. The whole thing's silly, isn't it? Friends don't need to apologize to friends as far as I'm concerned, so we are cool. Stanley: I am not going to apologize to you. [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: It's like I used to tell my wife, I do not apologize unless I think I'm wrong, and if you don't like it you can leave. And I say the same thing to my current wife, and I'll say it to my next one too. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Jim is in charge of Stanley only in sales-related matters, hence the green line--green for money-sales, get it? Michael: Uh huh... Dwight: There is this yellow zigzag that does give Ryan the authority to discipline Stanley... Michael: Great Dwight: However, in so doing, it zigs past your name, hence zagging you and making you appear weak. Thus the yellow color. Yellow for cowardly. Michael: What's the pink? Dwight: Menstrual cycles. Michael: Ok... Is there anybody up here, anybody at all, that can deal with this? Dwight: You. Michael: Other than me. Dwight: Well, there is the emergency disaster mode for the org chart. This gives me full authority over every single person in the office. Michael: I never said you could do that. Dwight: All you have to do it say it. Michael: I... Dwight: Just say it. Michael: Okay, I will think about it. Dwight: Say it. Just do it. Don't think, say it. Do it. Five, four, three, two... do it. Give me control. Michael... I promise to give authority back to you when this crisis is over. Do it, Michael. Do it. Hey, this office needs a strong man. Say it. Michael: No. Dwight: So... All right, well, you're gonna have to deal with this yourself. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Hey Pam, I really like your glasses. Pam: Oh, thanks. Kevin: All the girlfriends that I've ever had have worn glasses. Pam: Oh, okay... Kevin: Yeah, it's kind of a turn-on for me actually... Pam: I should probably get back to... Kevin: Like librarians. Pam: Entering the.... Kevin: Could you just say, "these are due back Thursday"? Pam: No. [Kevin leaves; Pam takes off her glasses; phone rings] Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Okay, go ahead. [puts a notepad close to her face and writes message] [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: A lot of jazz cats are blind, but they can play the piano like nobody's business. I'd like to put the piano in front of Pam without her glasses and see what happens. I'd also like to see her topless. [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: Mike. Michael: Hey. Darryl: I'm very busy here, man. Michael: Darryl, [clears throat] have you ever been in a gang? Darryl: Why? Michael: It's an advice question, and if you don't wanna talk about it, I completely understand. It's, um... Darryl: No, no, no... Michael: I know, it's very, very personal... Darryl: No, um... I have. Michael: I knew it. Okay, who we talking about here? Crips? Bloods? Darryl: Both. Michael: God. Darryl: Yeah them, and the Latin Kings... the Warriors... Michael: Okay. Darryl: Newsies. Michael: Okay, so dig this[/b]: you're on the street, and one of your gang disses you. Darryl: Oh my goodness. Michael: Yeah, right, so what do you do to get them to make it right? Darryl: Well see, um... in the gang world, we use something called Fluffy Fingers. Michael: What is that? Darryl: That's when somebody really gets in your face, you know, you just... start tickling them. Michael: Really? Darryl: Yeah, and then he starts tickling you. You know, pretty soon you're laughing and hugging. Before you know it, you've forgotten the whole thing. Ya'll can just go to church together... get an ice cream cone. Michael: I would've never thought that gangs would be tickling each other. Darryl: Well, it's effective. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: [to Toby] I think it's self-explanatory. [to Jim] Hey, Jim, come here for a second. Can you answer me something, as, as a true Eagles fan? Jim: Oh boy... Ryan: How do you live with a franchise this bad? Jim: On a wing and a prayer, mostly. Ryan: Alright, whatever you say. Uh, listen, while I have you here with Toby, I need to give you a formal warning about your job performance. Jim: A formal warning... [chuckles] Ryan: It's actually not a joke. I know how you spend your time here, and I know how little you care about your job. And honestly if you spent as much time selling as you do goofing around with Dwight and hanging out at reception, we wouldn't be having this conversation. Jim: [stammers] I'm sorry, is, is this because I talked to Wallace about your website? Because I really didn't mean to go over your head. Ryan: This is nothing to do with that, alright? I always appreciate constructive criticism about my job performance. I thrive on it. Jim: I'm sorry, then do you mind explaining a little better? Cause I'm not sure what's really... Ryan: Woah, don't get all defensive, alright? It's just a warning. If you want the details, Toby can provide them. You take it easy, alright? [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: I'd say all the goofing around at Pam's desk, and, and hanging out with Pam, has finally caught up to him... w-with Pam [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Hey, what happened? What did Ryan want? Jim: Oh we were just... talking about, bureaucratic stuff... Pam: Because you're very important? Jim: Yeah... [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [washing the Xterra] Rocka doopa deepa do POW! Shacka do DO! Oh! What's Dwight up to? Oh probably nothing. Racka do do dee do-do do-do! Sha-KA! [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: What the hell is this all about? [holds up flier] You're flipping my car for profit. Dwight: It's my car now. Andy: I gave you a deal... based on what you said to me. Dwight: Yeah, well... seller beware. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to monitor a three-way bidding war for my car on eBay. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I've got a Madlib for you[/b]: a stupid, idiotic, numbskull named Andy Bernard sold his Xterra to a smart and capable man named Dwight. This is shaping up to be an awesome day for Dwight. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Okay, everybody, shh! So, earlier today, Stanley sassed me, and Toby gave me some suggestions on how to discipline him. They did not work, obviously, because they were stupid, so I am now going to fake fire him. Pam: What does that mean? Michael: It's like a mock execution. Jim: That's not a good idea. Michael: Yes it is a good idea. It's the only possible solution I have left. Toby: Well, you can actually fire him. Michael: No, okay... I've had enough of you. Oscar: Why are you telling us this? Michael: Because I want you to behave as if I'm actually firing him, Oscar, okay? Kevin: Michael, if you hadn't told us this, then we would've thought that you were actually firing him. Michael: I'm not firing him. I'm not, I need you to act like I am firing him. Just, what I'm going to do, is I'm going to pretend that I am firing him, and I need you to act like I am firing him. Do you get that? Do you get it? I'm teaching him a lesson. He needs to learn humility, alright? That's all I'm, okay, here he comes. Let's just... play act. [Stanley enters the room] Stanley, may I talk to you for a second? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Stanley Hudson, you are fired. Stanley: Are you serious? Michael: I am serious, we are all serious. You are fired like a heart attack. Stanley: You're firing me over three words. Have you lost your mind? Do you think I'm gonna let you do this to me? Michael: Hmm. Stanley: I've watched you screw up this office for ten years, and I'm filing a lawsuit, and I'm gonna tell them about every stupid thing you've ever done up in this office. Michael: Alright alright, okay, you know what? Now you know how I feel. This was a fake firing. Lesson learned. Good work, everybody. Very nice. Stanley: So I'm not fired. Michael: That's it. And uh... do you have anything to say to me? Stanley: Oh yes, I do. You are out of your damn, little pea-sized, mind. What is wrong with you? Do you have any sense? At all? Michael: Okay... Stanley: Do you have any idea how to run an office? Michael: Yes. Stanley: Every day you do something stupider than you did the day before. Michael: That's not- Stanley: And I think, "there's no possible way-- Michael: All right, all right... Stanley: He can top that." Michael: Okay. Stanley: But what do you do?! You find a way, dammit, to top it! You are professional idiot! Michael: Hey, STOP IT! Okay, everybody out. Jim: Who? Michael: Everybody, except Stanley. Jim: Let's go. Pam: I can't find my glasses. Jim: Okay, you know what? Why don't you take my hand, and leave them, and let's get out of here. Pam: Okay, okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: [chuckling] It's Michael versus Stanley, and it is the clash of the titans. In one corner, you have Michael, and he is mad. And then, in the other corner, you have Stanley, and he's mad. So that's about it! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [starts to cry] I don't understand why you keep picking on me. Stanley: Oh, for the love of God. Michael: You just, do, and I don't know why, so... please help me understand. Stanley: Fine. Here it is[/b]: you are a person I do not respect. The things you say, your actions, your methods, and style. Everything you would do, I would do it the opposite way. Michael: Well Stanley, maybe you're feeling that you don't respect me because you don't know me very well. Stanley: Michael I have known you a very long time, and the more I've gotten to know you, the less I've come to respect you. Any other theories? Michael: All right, you don't respect me. I accept that. But listen to me, you can't talk to me that way in this office, you just can't. I am your boss. Can't allow it. Stanley: Fair enough. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I am good person, and sometimes, good people don't get no respect. Rodney Dangerfield. [as Rodney Dangerfield] Hey, I don't get no respect. No respect at all. When I was in the sandbox as a kid, I got not respect. My wife likes to talk after s*x, so she called me from a hotel room, and said, "I don't respect you!" Ahh, thoughtless. Aw, you know what don't get no respect? Airplane food. Why don't they just make the plane out of the airline food? My wife don't get no respect, some--take her, please, for example. [as Jeff Foxworthy] If you don't get no respect, you might be redneck. [as Borat] Respect is niiice. Borat. [as Rodney Dangerfield] What's the deal with Grapenuts? No grapes, no nuts. I don't get no respect! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: So I'm thinking, as a reward for our loyal clients, that we contact their assistants, and we find out where they live. And then, we go to their houses, in the middle of the summer, and go caroling. It is a summer Christmas sale-abration. And we call it, a summer sales-a-lot. Feedback? Anybody? Stanley? Stanley: Has potential to be your best idea yet. [Michael smiles] Phyllis: That's the dumbest thing I ever heard. [laughs] Michael: Dammit, Phyllis. Alright, everybody out except Phyllis.	Plan: A: Michael; Q: Who tries to fake-fire Stanley? A: an attitude adjustment; Q: What does Michael try to give Stanley when he snaps at him? A: Michael's plan; Q: What plan to fake-fire Stanley only worsens the situation? A: Dwight; Q: Who buys Andy's car and then resells it? A: his car; Q: What does Dwight buy from Andy to punish him for his relationship with Angela? A: a profit; Q: What does Dwight sell Andy's car for? A: her "back up" glasses; Q: What object of Pam's attracts unwanted attention? A: the night; Q: How long did Pam spend at Jim's? A: a formal warning; Q: What does Ryan give Jim for his job performance? Summary: When Stanley snaps at Michael during a meeting, Michael tries to give Stanley an attitude adjustment. Michael's plan to fake-fire Stanley only worsens the situation. To punish Andy for his relationship with Angela, Dwight lowballs Andy to buy his car and then resells it for a profit. Meanwhile, Pam deals with unwanted attention from her "back up" glasses after spending the night at Jim's. Jim receives a formal warning from Ryan about his job performance.
Act 1 1:57 P.M. MANCHESTER TIME Scene 1 - Ray's Pub, Manchester Fade in. The same pub Niles was thrown out of before. Harry Moon is sitting at a table. Niles comes in, a handkerchief over his face, and walks over to him. Putting it away, he composes himself. Niles: Mr. Moon? Harry: You again! Didn't I toss you out of here last night? Niles: Six times. But if you'll just give me a minute to... Harry: [rising] Gentlemen, this lad has traveled all the way from America to reunite me with my wife. The crowd makes ugly noises as Harry grabs Niles and prepares to toss him out yet again. Niles: [loudly] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! You never gave me a chance to buy a round of drinks! The crowd changes its tune, calling for Niles to be let in after all. Harry drags Niles over to the bar. Harry: All right, the usual, Ray. Start talking. You got one pint. Ray hands him a pint and he starts drinking as Niles puts money down. He quickly consults some handwritten notes, then begins. Niles: Mr. Moon, a great man once wrote that "The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference." Harry has been drinking the whole time and finishes it off. Harry: Done. Get out! Niles: Mr. Moon, Mr. Moon, your wife, your wife is miserable without you. I think you should give her a second chance. After all, you were married for forty years. Harry: Forty years too long! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm late for work. Niles: Sorry. Harry walks over to a table where a young couple is sitting. He leans over to the woman. Harry: Hallo, aren't you a pretty thing? Fancy a roll in the hay? The young man jumps up. Man: No one talks to my woman that way! He punches Harry in the stomach, leaving him doubled over and gasping in pain as Niles looks on in shock. Man: [to his girlfriend] Let's go! They get up and leave. But after the woman clears the door, the man hurries back over to Harry and hands him a note. Man: Here's a tenner, Harry. Hope I didn't hurt you. Harry: All in the line of duty. Good luck to you, she's a nice bit of skirt. Man: Ta. The man heads out the door as Harry goes back to the bar. Niles, dumbfounded, comes up behind him. Harry: Same again, Ray. Niles: What was that? Harry: My job. I let lads give me a thumpin' to impress their dates. I tell you it's a cake walk compared to being married to Gertrude. At least when these lads hit me, they hold something back. Ray hands him his brew. Niles: Mr. Moon, you wouldn't recognize your wife. She's mellowed. Harry: You're wasting your breath. Niles: All right, all right, forget about your wife for a minute. Think about your daughter. She's heartbroken. Harry: My Daphne? Niles: Yes, yes, the separation is tearing her apart. If you care about her, come back to Seattle with me and talk to your wife. If you don't patch things up, at least your only daughter will know you cared enough to try. Harry: Well, you know, I'd love to see my baby girl again. But I can't afford to travel across the Atlantic whenever I please. Niles: Oh, I would pay for the ticket, of course. Harry: I can't have you buying me a first-class ticket to America! Niles notes the assumed grandiosity, but shrugs it off. Niles: I insist! Harry: All right. For Daphne. You know, you're lucky you caught me on a light work week. Oh, here's my two o'clock now. He walks over to another young couple sitting at a table. Harry: Hallo. Aren't you a pretty thing? Niles just watches this, a fascinated yet disturbed look on his face. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 2 - Cafe Nervosa Fade in. Roz is sitting at a table near the counter. Frasier gets a coffee. Frasier: Mind if I join you, Roz? Roz: Oh, please. You can help me kill some time. Roger's picking up his things from my apartment and I don't want to run into him. Frasier: [sitting] Ah. Afraid you'll fight? Roz: Worse. I'm afraid we'll end up in bed. I don't know, there's something about him that is irresistible. Frasier: I understand. Roz: Trust me, you don't. Roger is the best lover I've ever been with. Frasier looks miffed but keeps fiddling with his coffee. Roz: Oh, my God, what am I saying? You were great too! Frasier: Roz, really, there's no need to do this. Roz: It's just that I forgot and, well, technically it wasn't really s*x because it was you, but whatever it was, it was great! Frasier: Roz, please, there's no need to discuss it. Roz: I was one satisfied customer. Frasier: Glad to hear it. Roz grabs a card from the table. Roz: Oh, here, let's pretend this comment card is about you. Frasier: Roz, please, there is no need to do that. All right, if you insist. Just remember that it was late at night and I am really more of a morning person. Roz takes a pencil and quickly fills it out. Roz: [handing it to him] Here you go. Frasier: Let's see. High marks for courtesy and neatness of appearance, that's good. You were served in a prompt and timely manner. Roz: Absolutely. Frasier: Now, I see here that you're not planning a return visit. Roz: Only because we agreed. I mean, as you can see, I will highly recommend you to friends and family members. Frasier: Well, that was very kind of you, Roz, thank you. Would you like me to fill one out for you? Roz: No. I think you made your opinion clear when you screamed "Outstanding!" Frasier laughs self-consciously. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 3 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Frasier and Niles come in the front with Harry. Harry: Oh, thanks for a tour of your city, lads. Now, where's your loo? I need to splash me boots. Frasier opens the door to the powder room and Harry goes in. Frasier gives Niles a look. Niles: It's just an expression. Or so I've chosen to believe. He takes off his coat and hangs it up. Frasier goes to sit on the couch. Frasier: Niles, are you and Daphne planning on having children? Niles: Someday, why? Frasier: No reason. Niles goes to get some sherry. Niles: Now, all I have to do is stash Mr. Moon at my place, pick up Daphne and her mom at the airport, then get them all together, and lay the groundwork for a reconciliation. Martin comes in the front in his security uniform. Martin: Hey, guys. Frasier: Oh, hi, Dad. How was work? Niles hands Frasier his sherry. Martin: Great. I finally busted that guy who was writing "Seymour Buttes" on the sign-out sheets. Frasier: So, who was it? Martin: Senior Vice-President Buttes. I'm on probation for a week. Harry comes out of the powder room and sees Martin. Harry: Good God, you American police are persistent. [He pulls something from his pocket.] I suppose you're looking for this. Martin: [taking it, confused] A Space Needle snow globe? Harry: I meant to pay for it. I put it in me pocket, but between there and the register, I forgot about it. Why don't you take it back? Niles: Mr. Moon, I think you're mistaken. This is our father, he works as a security guard. Martin: Yeah, Marty Crane. How do you do? Harry: Oh, Harold Moon. They shake. Martin: Oh yeah, you did a terrific job bringing up your daughter. Harry: Well, you know, you do your best. I'll be needing that back, then. Martin hands him the snow globe and he puts it back in his pocket. Frasier: [rising] Harry, let me get you a beer. Harry: Oh, get a man a beer, he drinks for five minutes; teach 'im where they are, he drinks all day. He follows Frasier into the kitchen. Niles: Oh, Dad, Dad, I need you to do me a favor. Mr. Moon is a little bit reluctant about getting back together with his wife. Martin: Huh, can you blame him? Niles: It occurs to me, there's no woman so attractive than the one some other guy seems to be attracted to. So... Martin: No way! Niles: But-but-but-but... it would mean a lot to Daphne. And, it'll get Mrs. Moon out of the country. Martin: Well, if it means a lot to Daphne. Harry and Frasier come back in from the kitchen. Martin: Well, she's a hell of a woman, your Gertrude. I don't blame you for comin' over here to fight for her. Harry: Really? What's so great about her? Martin: Well, you know. I mean, like I have to tell you... The whole package. She's got... hair... skin... Et cetera. And she's a good little drinker. He turns to go to his room. Niles: Dad, Dad, why just last week you were commenting on her twinkly eyes and her sunny smile. Martin: Definitely. Yes, I was. Yeah they sure don't make women like that in America. [to Eddie] Come on, boy. He and Eddie head off to his room. Harry: Wait a minute. I think I know what's goin' on here. The dog, the cane... He's lost his vision, hasn't he? Frasier can only nod in defeat. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 4 - Niles' Apartment Fade in. Gertrude Moon, Daphne and Niles come in the front. Gertrude sits on the couch, still talking. Gertrude: And then, she drags me to another luau. Where I come from, you bury a dead pig because it's diseased, not because you're going to dig it up and eat it. Niles: Yes, well, Hawaii's not for everyone. Things may be looking up. I have a surprise. Daphne: Oh, a surprise. I hope it's not another trip, darling, or I might just have to kill you in your sleep. Harry shouts from the other room then rushes to the landing holding a pair of Niles' shoes. Harry: Niles, good news! Our feet are the same size! Daphne: Daddy! I knew you'd come! Harry drops the shoes and runs down the stairs to embrace Daphne. Harry: Hello, Stilts! Ah, give your old dad a kiss! Daphne: Mum, look who's here, all the way from England! Harry: Hallo, Gert. Gertrude: "Hallo, Gert"? That's all you have to say for yourself? For forty years I've been a good wife to you, raising your children and boiling your meals and letting you work off your animal lusts and all I get for my trouble is a cheery "Hallo, Gert"?! Well your fatal charm is not going to work this time, so you can just drag your sorry arse back to that barstool it normally sags over and leave me the hell alone! She stomps off to the guest room, but turns back at the hallway. Gertrude: [cheerily] Thank you, Niles, that was a nice surprise. She leaves, slamming the door of her room when she gets there. Harry: You're right. She has mellowed. Daphne: See? And I'm sure if you just give her a little more time, everything will work out. Harry: I gave it me best shot. I'm going to go pack. Daphne: Daddy... He hurries off upstairs. Daphne: I don't understand. He came all this way and he's just going to give up? Niles: Well, actually, he didn't even want to come. I sort of... flew to England and persuaded him. Daphne: You what? Niles: I wanted to surprise you. Daphne: How could you do this without talking to me first? Niles: That would've spoiled the surprise? Daphne: Niles, I could have flown to England and talked to him, too, but I didn't because I know my parents. When they fight they need time apart to miss each other. And you would have known that had you consulted me first! She heads off to the guest room to see her mother. Harry comes from upstairs, stopping to pick up Niles' shoes. Harry: I'm off. Niles: Mr. Moon, Mr. Moon, wait. Just stay one more day and spend a little more time with your daughter. I'll put you up in a hotel. Harry: I can't let you buy me a suite in a five-star hotel! Niles again notices the extravagance, but leads him off. [SCENE_BREAK] End of Act 1 [SCENE_BREAK] Act 2 Scene 1 - Café Nervosa Fade in. Niles is sitting and drinking coffee, but jumps up when Daphne comes in. Daphne: I'm sorry I yelled at you last night. Niles: No, no, I'm sorry. I, I was thinking about it, you were absolutely right. We're a team now and bringing your dad back should have been our joint decision. Daphne: Thanks for understanding. Anyway, what's done is done. Mum's taken her claws out of the ceiling and Dad's headed back to England. They sit. Niles: Actually, I convinced him to stay an extra day. I thought I should tell you since we're a team. Daphne: You what? Niles: Well, I thought you'd want to spend more time with him, plus, since they're both in the same city, we can get them together tonight. She gives him a dour look. Niles: Or not. We're a team! Totally up to you. Daphne: I don't know, maybe we should let them work it out for themselves. Niles: Yeah, or on the other hand maybe our love will inspire them and come October, they'll be dancing at our wedding. Daphne: That would be wonderful. Frasier walks in. Niles and Daphne rise to greet him. Frasier: Oh, hi, Niles. Niles: Hey, Frasier, listen: Daphne and I are taking her parents out to dinner tonight. Can you get a reservation at Chez Henri? Frasier: Chez Henri? Niles, they're booked up months in advance. Niles: Well, I know that I wouldn't stand a chance, but I was hoping if I cloaked myself in the mantle your greater renown... Frasier: You should know better than that, Niles, I am NOT susceptible to flattery. Niles: I know that. You're the most grounded, down-to-earth person I know. Frasier: Thank you. I'll make a call. He sits. Niles and Daphne leave as Roz comes in. Niles: Hey, Roz. Roz: Oh, hey, Niles. They leave and Roz comes over to the table. Roz: Frasier. Frasier: Oh, Roz, Roz. I wanted to talk to you about this. He pulls out Roz's "Comment Card" as she sits. Roz: Oh, my God, you still have that? Frasier: Yes, well, I was glancing at it. I couldn't help but notice the overall score you gave me: out of a possible five cups of coffee, it was a four. Roz: Yeah, that's a good score. Frasier: It's a fine score. But it occurs to me that this presents an opportunity for me to learn something about my performance that might... benefit me. So, what might I have done to earn that elusive fifth cup? Roz: Oh, I'm a tough grader. No one's a five-cupper. Frasier: Nonetheless, there is a theoretical fifth cup out there. Now, I'm going to put ego aside, this is all about self- improvement. My commitment to "sexcellence" if you will. Roz: You just lost a cup. Frasier: Oh, please Roz? Roz: All right. Um, you know that thing you did at the end? Frasier: At the very end? Roz: Just before. Frasier: I know exactly what you mean. Roz: I coulda done without that. Frasier: Really? You didn't like that. Well maybe that's just your taste. Roz: No. Frasier: 'Cause I've received high kudos for that in the past. Roz: Look, don't take it personally. It would have been impossible for either one of us to get a perfect score that night, given the circumstances. We were both tentative, and more than a little vulnerable. Frasier: That's true. Roz: And it was tough to concentrate with the TV blaring away in your dad's bedroom. Frasier: I didn't hear that. Roz: Don't you remember? Sting was on Letterman. He was talking about the rain forest and the plight of the Yanomama Indians. It was really sad. I mean, the whole Orinoco River Valley is being forested into extinction. Frasier: Well... I'm glad my woefully inadequate performance didn't distract you from your ecology lesson. Did Sting happen to mention anything about you shaving your legs? Because that's a rain forest that could use some pruning! Roz: Frasier! That is exactly why I didn't want to do this! Forget it. She grabs the card and tears it up. Frasier looks embarrassed. They sit in silence for a few moments. Roz smiles. Roz: You know, you're a very good kisser. Frasier: No, I'm not. You are, I'm not. Roz: Yes, you are. Do I need to fill out another card? She holds one up. Frasier: Oh, please! [his expression turns hopeful] Would you? She grabs a pencil and starts. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 2 - Chez Henri Fade in. Niles, Daphne, Gertrude and Harry come to a table, led by the owner. Henri: We have some magnificent specials this evening. Gertrude: [as they sit] Just so you know, Henry, I won't eat frogs, snails, slugs or eels. And don't try slippin' 'em under the sauce. I'm on to you people. Henri: I shall repeat this to the chef and I'm sure some other delightful surprise will find its way onto your plate. He walks away. Niles: Isn't this lovely? Candlelight, romantic music. Must take you back to the days of your courtship. Where did you two meet? Harry: At a soccer riot. She stopped a Spanish bloke from smashin' a chair over me head. Gertrude: He wasn't Spanish, he was Portuguese. Harry: I believe he was Spanish. Gertrude: Well I believe I know the difference between a bloody Spaniard and a bloody Portuguese! Niles: Okay, okay, moving on... Your first date? Harry: She had me over for dinner. Gertrude: Oh, do you remember, I cooked you bubble and squeak. Harry: And then we went out, got squiffy and half starkers and snogged behind the chippy. All the Moons break out laughing. Niles: You lost me after the word "dinner," but the language of love is universal. [N.B. "bubble and squeak" - a dish of leftover potatoes and vegetables, fried up; "squiffy" - drunk or tipsy.] Gertrude: Listen, we had some good times back then, hey? Harry: Oh, you should have seen her, Daphne, she was a real firecracker. Daphne: [to Niles] Maybe we should order some champagne. Niles: Actually, I brought a very special bottle from home. It's in the car. [getting up] You two, you just keep reminiscing, I'll be right back. He hurries out. CUT TO: the front of the restaurant as he runs along to his car. He comes across a man walking his dog. Niles: Hello, lovely dog. The dog gets very friendly with Niles' leg for a moment. Niles pushes him off and hits the remote for his trunk. He grabs a bottle of wine, closes the trunk and hurries back into the restaurant. CUT TO: the dining area, where he finds a small fire started on the floor, table and chairs overturned, Daphne holding back Gertrude and a waiter holding back Harry. Needless to say, there is a lot of shouting going on. Gertrude: Take that back! Harry: I will not! Daphne: Mummy, Daddy, please! Niles: What happened to snogging behind the chippy? Gertrude pull loose from Daphne. Gertrude: Get out of my country! Harry: I can't leave soon enough! He kicks the waiter in the leg and leans over into Gertrude's face. Harry: You're Martin Crane's problem now. Gertrude: What? Harry: Did you think I wouldn't find out about your little fancy man? He says he can't stop thinkin' about ya! Gertrude: Well, that's because he knows a good thing when he sees it! Harry: He can't see anything! Gertrude: Take me home, Daphne. I've had enough of this horrid man! They head out, Gertrude sobbing. Niles: Wait! Now that the lines of communication are open... Daphne: Oh, leave it alone Niles! Come on, Mum.... They leave as Niles turns to survey the damage of the evening. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 3 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Martin is on the phone. Martin: No, Gertrude, I never said I had a thing for you... No, I'm not playing hard to get... Yes, I guess if I was playing hard to get, I'd say that I wasn't, but I'm not. Frasier comes from his room, talking on his cell phone. Frasier: Henri, you can't ban me from your bistro! It's my chez away from chez! ...Very well. Goodbye, Henri. Martin: Goodbye, Gertrude. They both hang up as the doorbell rings. Martin: Great, I cheated death in Korea for this! Frasier opens the door. It is Niles and Harry. Niles: Hello. Frasier: [darkly] Hello. Niles: I see word travels fast. Harry: Is Daphne here? Martin: No, she's not back from taking her mother home. Harry: Oh, well... I was hoping to see her before I left. I guess I'll leave her a note, then. Niles: Mr. Moon, I'm sorry I dragged you all the way to America. Harry: Oh, it wasn't all that bad. I got to see Daphne. And that hotel was brilliant! The towels were so fluffy I could barely close me suitcase. He heads off to Daphne's room. Frasier: Niles, I'm sorry things didn't work out. Martin: Well, she can't say you didn't try. Daphne comes in the front. Niles: Hello. Daphne: Hello. Awkward silence. Frasier: Well, uh, Dad, why don't we go into your bedroom? I want to show you how to use the closed captioning on your TV so you won't have to have it up so loud at night. Martin: Yeah, sure. They head off. Niles: Your dad's here in your room, leaving you a note. How's your mom? Daphne: [sitting on the couch] Apparently there's nothing left for her in England, so she's thinking about putting down roots here. Niles: Daphne, from the bottom of my heart... Daphne: Niles, it's been a very trying day. Could we talk about this later? I'll drive Daddy to the airport. Niles: I'll move his suitcase to your car. He leaves out the front as Harry comes back in. Harry: There you are. Well, back to England, then. Daphne: Yes. No chance of you and Mum getting back together? Harry: Don't think so, love. Not this time. Daphne: Maybe if you give it another chance. You could... Harry: Daphne - I'm sorry. It's over. Has been for a long time! I mean, I've got no complaints, I got something wonderful out of it: you! He sits beside her and they hug. Daphne: If you don't love each other, why did you stay together for forty years? Through all the fighting and the screaming and the hitting? Harry: That was for you kids. Daphne: I can't believe this is really happening. I mean, maybe I'm naive, but I always thought love would save the day. Harry: Well, you know, we all think that when we're young. But then life beats us around a bit and you learn to dream a little smaller. Daphne: So that's how it goes: two people meet, they're together for forty years, and then all of a sudden it just ends. Harry: But it's different from you! I mean, you've found the right person. Daphne: You barely know him. Harry: Well, all I know is, I threw him out of my pub six times and six times he marched back in and yammered me ear off until, until I went back with him to America - all to make YOU happy. I never did anything like that for your mother. No no, I tell ya, Daphne, you've got the right one there. A good one, you know? And another thing: [rubs his fingers together] He's worth a bob or two. She smiles and swats his arm. Daphne: Dad! Harry: Oh, sweetie... They hug again. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 4 - Niles' Apartment Fade in. There is a knocking at the front door. Niles answers it to reveal Daphne. Daphne: I want to marry you! Niles: I want to marry you! Daphne: No, I want to marry you NOW! Niles: As in... now? Daphne: Yes! Niles: Why? Daphne: Why? Because you'd do anything, even put up with my insane family, to make me happy. Because you'd travel halfway around the world to make my dreams come true, even the impossible ones. And because I can't spend one more minute without being your wife, Niles Crane. Because I adore you. Niles: But... I thought you always wanted a big wedding. Daphne: Do you want to make my dreams come true? This is my dream. Niles looks deeply into her eyes, then takes her hand. Grabbing his coat, he leads her out the front door, closing it behind them. [SCENE_BREAK] End of Act 2	Plan: A: Manchester; Q: Where did Niles fly to find Daphne's father? A: Harry; Q: Who tells Daphne that she's met the right man in Niles? A: his wife; Q: Who does Harry Moon want to reconcile with? A: the pub; Q: Where does Harry Moon throw Niles out of six times? A: the plane ticket; Q: What did Niles pay for Harry to come to America? A: first-class; Q: What class of plane ticket does Niles buy for Harry? A: their trip; Q: What did Daphne and her mother return from to Hawaii? A: an expensive dinner; Q: What does Niles arrange for Daphne and her parents to have together? A: a promising start; Q: What does the dinner at Chez Henri begin as? A: disaster; Q: What happens to Harry and Daphne's dinner at Chez Henri? A: England; Q: Where does Harry Moon decide to return to after the dinner? A: her permanent home; Q: What does Gertrude plan to make in America? A: true love; Q: What does Daphne lose faith in? A: Niles' doorstep; Q: Where does Daphne ask Niles to marry her? A: the apartment; Q: Where does Niles lead Daphne out of after she asks him to marry her? Summary: Niles has flown to Manchester and located Daphne's father, Harry Moon. He attempts to persuade Harry to come to America with him and reconcile with his wife. Harry throws Niles out of the pub six times, and each time Niles tries again. Eventually, Harry agrees to go with him to see Daphne (partially motivated by the fact Niles is willing to pay for the plane ticket, which he ensures is first-class). When Daphne and her mother return from their trip to Hawaii , Daphne is delighted to see her father, but Gertrude is furious and upset. Niles tells Daphne that he had to go and fetch Harry, and Daphne reacts angrily because he never consulted with her first. Still, Niles is determined to keep trying to reunite her parents, and arranges for them to have an expensive dinner together at Chez Henri. The occasion, after a promising start, ends in disaster, and Harry decides to return to England, while Gertrude plans to make her permanent home in America. Daphne begins to lose faith in the idea of true love, but Harry assures her that she's met the right man in Niles and tells her how persistent he was in persuading him to visit. Overwhelmed by how much he is prepared to do to make her wishes come true, Daphne shows up on Niles' doorstep late that night and asks him to marry her immediately. Without a word, Niles leads her out of the apartment.
(Continuing.) DIXON: Sydney! (More shooting. Sydney cuts the wire with her knife and flies backwards, hanging on to the rope, and crashes through the adjacent building's window. The guard from down below runs over to the building and starts to climb up the stairs. Sydney runs through the building, trying to leave. She opens the door and sees the guard running up the stairs. She runs back inside, passing by several mannequins. The guard runs up the stairs and runs to the elevator. He sees the tip of her hat going down. He runs back down to catch her, loading his gun. He points it at the elevator as it comes down. He sees a woman's body and begins shooting. The elevator stops and the "woman's body" is on the floor of the elevator. He comes closer and sees that it's a mannequin wearing Sydney's hat. He turns. Sydney punches him and roundhouse kicks him. He falls into the elevator. She runs and meets another guard.) SYDNEY: Wait! (The guard cocks the hammer and is shot from behind. Dixon drives up in the van, a gun in his hand. Sydney climbs in.) SYDNEY: Thanks. DIXON: Anytime. (They drive off.) (Jenny's place. Will is sitting up in her bed, shirtless. Jenny walks in with a cup of coffee.) JENNY: Hey, do you want some? WILL: No, thanks. I got to go interview David McNeil today. JENNY: Mmmm... (She leans over and kisses him.) WILL: Mm. I better go. Oooh, I better go. Just... I'm going to be late. (He gets out of bed and starts dressing.) JENNY: Hey, so what are you going to wear? WILL: I'm just going to wear this, I think. You know. I'm just going to a prison, who cares? JENNY: No, next week. WILL: What am I going to wear next week? JENNY: To the dinner. WILL: What dinner? JENNY: You didn't get my letter? WILL: (smiles) What letter? JENNY: The one I left on your desk. WILL: What are you talking about? JENNY: Okay, you know what? You really have to start reading the things I give to you, Will. (She gets a copy of the letter out of her bag and gives it to him.) WILL: What's this? JENNY: You're getting the Kaplan Award for the Luis Maroma article. WILL: What? JENNY: Yes. The readers voted it one of the most ten most inspirational stories of the year. WILL: I can't believe anyone read that article. JENNY: It says "black tie" which means tux. Do you have one? WILL: Well, I have an old one. I can't believe I won a Kaplan Award. JENNY: Do you want to go celebrate, maybe Friday? WILL: Um... I can't. I can't. I'm sup--I got to go do something on Friday. I'm sorry. JENNY: Oh. Okay. (Later, Jenny's in the shower and Will's on the phone.) WILL: Yeah, well, thanks. Yeah. I just wanted to-I just wanted to tell you. (Sydney's sitting in the van in Moscow, talking on her cell with a big smile on her face.) SYDNEY: Will, that is so amazing! WILL: Oh, uh, "North by Northwest" is playing at the Fairfax Friday night. I thought maybe we could, I don't know, get some dinner and celebrate it? SYDNEY: Definitely. I'm so proud of you. WILL: Oh, well, it's not that big of a deal. SYDNEY: Okay, so Friday night. It's a date. WILL: It's a date. (Sloane's office. Sloane and Jack watch footage of Will talking to David McNeil at the prison.) SLOANE: Lompoc prison, about two hours ago. The man talking to Tippin is David McNeil, software designer. About eight years ago, he created an encryption system that we wanted to acquire but he wouldn't sell. We don't have audio, but we got hold of the prison log. This is Tippin's third visit to McNeil in the last two weeks. You and I talked about Tippin some time ago. You convinced me that he was just a harmless metro reporter, far from a credible threat. (He takes a pill from his pillbox and pours some water.) SLOANE: But now he's found McNeil. JACK: What are you suggesting? SLOANE: You know what I'm suggesting. JACK: The decision to eliminate Tippin is premature. He's a friend of Sydney's who, as far as we know, knows nothing. SLOANE: I told you this first as a courtesy. Look Jack, I understand your reluctance - what this would mean to Sydney - but McNeil is not a benign element. He knows about SD-6. The division's name was mentioned in Koenig's testimony. JACK: Just the name. Nothing else. SLOANE: A name is all Tippin needs. What concerns me is this doesn't seem to concern you. JACK: There's a difference between concern and assassination. SLOANE: What are you suggesting? JACK: That we get audio. That we find out what those conversations are. SLONAE: Jack... we should take care of this immediately. I'm sure you agree there are some truths that Sydney must never learn. (At Sydney and Francie's, Francie is sitting on the sofa staring at some gifts and crying quietly. Sydney comes in.) SYDNEY: How's it going? FRANCIE: Fine. I went to the stationary store today. Same place I got the wedding invitation. I had to buy some thank-you cards for these engagement gifts to send back to people. The woman in the store asked if I wanted the card stock to match the invitations. I burst into tears in the middle of the store. SYDNEY: Francie? FRANCIE: I don't know how to do this. I haven't even been able to take this off. (She shows her ring. Sydney holds up her hand to show that she's still wearing her ring from Danny.) FRANCIE: I'm sorry. SYDNEY: Nah, don't be. The truth is, I should have taken it off a long time ago. Here's an idea. FRANCIE: What? (She shows her hand again and raises her eyebrow. Francie takes off her ring and so does Sydney. They put them on the coffee table and stare at them.) (Will's newspaper. He's walking to his desk and talking to another guy.) WILL: So, Wilshire court, 7:30. And I got my ball in my car so... oh, oh, call Mitch! GUY: You got it. (The guy walks away. Will walks up to his desk just as Abby walks up with a small cake and a lit candle on it.) ABBY: Well, well, look who it is! WILL: Abby, what is this? ABBY: Oh, false modesty. Hideous. It doesn't suit you. WILL: This isn't for the most inspirational article thing, is it? ABBY: Pretty dense for the man who wrote the most inspirational article. You don't deserve to win any awards. WILL: I know. ABBY: Congratulations. WILL: Thank you. ABBY: You make me sick, FYI. WILL: I know. I make myself sick. ABBY: Ten years I've been at this, and what do I win? WILL: I know... ABBY: Tickets to "The Lion King" on the radio. WILL: You never invited me to that. ABBY: Oh, imagine that! WILL: Thank you for the cake. I'm going to go get us some plates. ABBY: I expect a piece, yes. It's chocolate. Maybe you can write an article about this cake and win something else. (She blows out the candle.) (Will walks in their kitchen and starts to look for paper plates. A delivery guy walks up.) DELIVERY GUY: Excuse me. June Litvack's office? WILL: Yeah, that's the next floor up. Huge office. DELIVERY GUY: Thanks. (He pats him on the back and leaves.) (Outside, the delivery guy gets in a van. He puts some earphones on and turns some dials on a machine. When he patted Will's back, he put a bug on him. Delivery guy starts listening in.) WILL: Okay, seriously, if I didn't have to go, I'd eat the whole cake. ABBY: Where are you going? WILL: Lompoc. I got an interview. (SD-6 conference room with Sloane, Dixon, Sydney and Marshall.) SLOANE: Your surveillance footage of Moscow is remarkable. Of course, we won't know for quite some time the full implication of Ivankov's murder. But here is what we do know. Ivankov's body was delivered last night to K-Directorate headquarters in St. Petersburg. DIXON: Delivered how? SLOANE: Commercial freight carrier, packed inside a crate of frozen Atlantic cod fish. Lavro Kessar - K-Directorate second in command. He hasn't been seen since that night. We believe he's being held by Mr. Sark as a captive unless K-Directorate delivers Rambaldi's manuscript to Sark's employer, The Man. They should be expecting more fish in St. Petersburg. DIXON: Have we learned anything more about The Man? SYDNEY: We have got to get a name for this guy already. SLOANE: Well, we don't know anything concrete, at least not yet. We have learned something about Sark. Marshall? MARSHALL: Yes. Um, actually, I'm sure we have all seen the classic movie "My Fair Lady." You remember... (in cockney accent) Professah 'enry 'iggins, educatin' Eliza Dolittle. "You talk propah!" Of course, my favorite Rex Harrison film is "Dr. Dolittle," which always kind of threw me because Eliza Dolittle, Dr. Dolittle. Dolittle, Dolittle. Was that on purpose, conspiracy-- SLOANE: Marshall. MARSHALL: Right. Uh, well we've analyzed Sark's speech pattern, lilt, stress rhythm, what have you. And he is very clever. His grammar and syntax, they give away nothing. But his lengthened vowels indicate that he spends considerable time in Ireland, most likely Galway. SLOANE: Our assets in Tunis spotted a K-Directorate boat passing through into port. It's now moored off Es-Sekhira. Tomorrow at ten a.m. local time a plane is scheduled to leave nearby Hafsa airport to fly to Gawly, Ireland. SYDNEY: So they're handing over Rambaldi's manuscript in Tunisia? SLOANE: The mission is to intercept the book and bring it back home. Review the mission details, go over op tech with Marshall. You leave tonight. (Self-storage with Vaughn and Sydney.) VAUGHN: This look familiar? SYDNEY: The same kind of camera I left behind in Argentina. VAUGHN: It is that camera. The C.I.A. sent a team and retreived it last week. You only took a few shots of the Rambaldi book. SYDNEY: I know. VAUGHN: But we did learn a lot from those pictures. SYDNEY: Like what? VAUGHN: I've... I've got this aunt. Um, Aunt Trish. She's the insane one in the family. She, uh, speaks to the dead, she does the readings, she's a crop circle worshipper. SYDNEY: (big goofy smile) Aunt Trish. VAUGHN: Yeah. This whole story reminds me of something she'd tell me about. Anyway, we know that Rambaldi was a 16th century inventor who seemed to have an almost psychic vision of technology. This book, based on the images you took, seems to be some sort of instruction manual. Now, to what, we don't know. This was written in Italian on the second page. There, at the bottom. Refers to the 100 segments. SYDNEY: Meaning what? VAUGHN: Well, it continues on a page we don't have yet. So, your countermission is the same as in Argentina. When you get the Rambaldi book, photograph the pages and deliver the original to SD-6 and the photographs to us. SYDNEY: Just don't screw it up this time. Got it. (smile) VAUGHN: Your father's been reporting that Sloane has been spending a lot of time at home. SYDNEY: Yeah, his wife Emily. She's sick. VAUGHN: You two used to be close, right? SYDNEY: We still are. Less so since she's been diagnosed. She's been a little reclusive. Actually, I haven't seen her since before I learned the truth about her husband. VAUGHN: I think this is a real opportunity. We'd like you to call Emily. Tell her you'd like to see her again and get invited to their house. SYDNEY: You want me to plant a bug. Vaughn, she's dying of cancer! VAUGHN: Yes. I know. SYDNEY: So you're asking me to use this woman. VAUGHN: She'll never know. SYDNEY: But I will! VAUGHN: We've been trying to plant a listening device in SD-6. It's pointless. That office uses every possible countersurveilance technique. Sloane's house might be more vulnerable. SYDNEY: This isn't a logistical question. This is a moral one. VAUGHN: A moral one? Sydney, you're a spy. This is hardly the darkest decision you've had to make! SYDNEY: But what you're not hearing is Emily is my friend. Despite her husband, she is my friend who is dying. I mean, does this not seem at all wrong to you? VAUGHN: Why does this seem wrong to you? SYDNEY: Because she's innocent! Because she is a good person! VAUGHN: Then what she doesn't know, what she will never know, is that this is one of the last opportunities she has to do something good. (Sydney's bedroom. She dials the phone.) SYDNEY: Emily, hi. It's Sydney... Bristow. Hi. I know, I know. It has. Are you busy, or sleeping? Good. Okay. Yeah, yeah, I'm doing fine. How are you? That's why I called. I just-I miss you. (Prison. McNeil and Will.) WILL: Have you heard from your daughter? DAVID: No, no, my lawyer says she's safe. That's all I wanted to know. All right, so what do you got? WILL: Okay, based on the file at O.T. Technologies, forty-two companies currently use your encryption software. DAVID: Forty-two. WILL: Yeah, so far I've had time to look into about eighteen of these companies. Listen to this. Six of them have a common board member: A guy by the name of Alain Christophe. This is the best part. Twelve years ago Alain decides to retire... from the C.I.A. Before that, from '82 to '89 he ran counterintelligence at Langley. (David nods and smiles.) WILL: Why are you smiling? DAVID: Because for the first time in eight years, SD-6 should be afraid of me. (Will is driving in his car at night, talking into his tape recorder.) WILL: Do a lexis/nexis for everything on Alain Christophe. And call the IRS, see if the Freedom of Information Act covers access to his private holdings. Oh, uh, "North by Northwest" tickets, Friday night. Call Mercantile, see if you can get a reservation. (A van driving behind him comes ahead, tires screeching. They block Will off, coming to a halt.) WILL: Son of a bitch. (A masked man comes out of the van and runs up to Will's car, shining a flashlight in his eyes. They open the car door and haul Will out.) MAN: (distorted voice) Resist and you die! Get out! (They throw Will against the hood and cover his head. They throw him in the back of the van and the van drives off, tires screeching in the night.) (Tunisia. Harbor. Boat is in the middle of the water. One of the goons spots a boat drive up. Sydney, wearing a short blonde wig, is driving. He watches her with binoculars and speaks via transmitter to another large goon up above. They speak in Russian.) LARGE GOON: Sark? GOON: No. Definitely not Sark. (Sydney is driving the boat and talks to Dixon who is back on land.) SYDNEY: Okay, so tell me the truth. Who do you like better - Mary Ann or Ginger? DIXON: Listen, while you're grabbing Rambaldi's manuscript, if you happen to see a sandwich... SYDNEY: You got it. DIXON: Okay. I'll radio if Sark arrives. Good luck. (Sydney stands up in the boat and waves to the goon on K-Directorate's boat. The guy smiles. She drives up and motions to a gas can, laughing. Dixon watches. She stops and speaks Russian.) GOON: Gasoline? SYDNEY: Gasoline! (She thanks him, comes aboard, and sprays him in the face with something. He goes down. Sydney walks on the boat, looking around. A man comes around. She sprays him, he goes down. She climbs the stairs and goes up on the dock and sees the large goon drinking. She comes behind him and tries to spray him, but he swats her hand away. She punches him. He swipes at her. She kicks him. He hits her with the briefcase attached to his arm. She jumps up and kicks him in the chest. He falls flat on his back.) SYDNEY: Okay, Dixon. The boat's secure. I'm opening the case here, the guy's handcuffed to it. Picking the lock. Looks like it's electromagnetic. DIXON: Okay. Still no sign of Sark. (She opens it and takes out the journal. She starts quickly taking pictures of all the pages with the C.I.A. camera. A man walks around the boat down below, and calls out for the large goon.) GUY: Yuri? (He comes up and sees Sydney pretending to kiss and make out with the big guy. She opens her eyes and motions for the guy to join them. He comes closer. She drops the still unconscious large goon and sprays the guy. She grabs the journal and goes down below.) SYDNEY: Okay, I've got the book. DIXON: Sydney, Sark's here. (Sure enough, Sark and two goons walk down the dock.) SYDNEY: I'm taking the boat. DIXON: Okay. I'll meet you at the airport dock. We'll be there in thirty minutes. (Sark watches as the boat drives away with the manuscript.) (Two men in black push Will in a large and dark room. Will's hands are handcuffed and his head is still covered. They sit him down and take the cover off his head.) WILL: Okay, look guys, I-- (They kick him. He falls to the ground, groaning and coughing in pain. They sit him up again. A masked man in front of him clicks on a tape recorder.) WILL: Six of them have a common board member: A guy by the name of Alain Christophe. This is the best part. Twelve years ago Alain decides to retire... from the C.I.A. (He clicks it off. When the masked man speaks, it's a distorted voice.) MAN: Do you value your life, Mr. Tippin? WILL: Of course I value my life. MAN: Do you? Your actions would indicate otherwise. I'm going to tell you what it is you are apparently dying to know. Your friend Daniel Hecht, David McNeil's wife Susan, Eloise Kurtz... they were all innocent victims. Their deaths were unfortunate. A matter of circumstance. Now, the only remaining question is whether the story ends there or whether it includes other innocent victims. (He takes out three pictures to show Will. The first is of Amy.) MAN: Amy Tippin. 3723 East Conestoga Way. (He takes out another picture of Will's parents, smiling for the camera.) MAN: Robert and Patsy Tippin. 63064 Shulman Way. (Will lowers his head. The man takes out one final picture. This one is of Sydney.) MAN: Sydney Bristow. 4260 Cochran Street. (Will, his head still lowered, apparently can't take it anymore.) WILL: Stop. Stop, stop, stop. I understand. MAN: This will be your only warning. (They hit him across the face. Will falls to the floor. He's knocked out. They unlock his handcuffs and walk away. The masked man is walking briskly and rips off his mask. It's Jack.) (Los Angeles. An operative enters Sloane's office.) OPERATIVE: Mr. Sloane. SLOANE: Yes? OPERATIVE: I've questioned everyone from the boat. The captain is a civilian. He doesn't know anything. SLOANE: Kill him. OPERATIVE: Yes, sir. (Sydney's. Phone rings. She answers.) SYDNEY: Hello? EMILY: Sydney, it's Emily. SYDNEY: Hi. EMILY: Listen, I wanted to thank you for calling. You have no idea how much that meant. SYDNEY: You don't have to thank me. EMILY: I do. I woke up this morning feeling strong. I was curious if you were free for dinner. Bring a friend, please. (Self-storage.) VAUGHN: And you accepted? SYDNEY: Not at first, but Emily's sick. I couldn't say no. I knew you wanted me to anyway. VAUGHN: Here. (He gives her a small box. She opens it to reveal a paperclip.) SYDNEY: This is a bug? VAUGHN: It's good, huh? You should see the guys who make it, it's like they've never seen sunlight. SYDNEY: You should meet Marshall. Where do you want this? VAUGHN: Sloane's got an office in his home. SYDNEY: Mm-hmm. VAUGHN: That's where we want it. Especially now that SD-6 has the Rambaldi book. The C.I.A.'s been studying those photos you took. SYDNEY: Then they turned out all right? VAUGHN: There's one blank page. Well, C.I.A. sci-tech says that of the few Rambaldi documents they've recovered, the forty-seventh page is always particularly significant. This blank page was number forty-seven. Your father's strategizing on how to get it out of SD-6 and replace it with a counterfeit. But in the meantime, we're just hoping we learn something with that bug. SYDNEY: Okay. VAUGHN: You said Emily invited you and a friend. SYDNEY: Mm-hmm. VAUGHN: You taking anyone? [SCENE_BREAK] (Will's cell phone rings. Sunlight streams in. He grunts and wakes up, rolling over to find his cell phone.) WILL: Hello? (Sydney is at SD-6 on her cell.) SYDNEY: What are you doing? WILL: Syd? (His voice is rough and tired.) SYDNEY: Are you sleeping? WILL: No, no, I'm... uh... I'm working. SYDNEY: Are you all right? 'Cause you sound like hell. WILL: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm fine. (He touches his face where a large bruise can be found under his eye. He looks around the room, trying to figure out where he is.) WILL: How you doing? SYDNEY: You're going to kill me. WILL: Why? SYDNEY: I know we talked about going to "North by Northwest," but there's this dinner at my boss's house. I can't get out of it. (Will looks around, inspecting the place.) SYDNEY: You're mad. WILL: Uh, no, no. I got to, uh, go to a meeting, though. SYDNEY: Will you come with me? They said I could bring a guest. Will you be my guest? (Will walks around outside, looking around. A horn honks and Jenny pulls up. Later, they're driving along the road. Will stares out the windshield.) JENNY: WIll you please tell me what happened? WILL: Listen, I told you. I don't want to talk about it. JENNY: Your bruise looks pretty bad. Well, you know what? You're just going to have to come over to my place and I'll make you a big bowl of ashishta. It's a noodle soup that my grandmother used to make. You know what, you have to meet her! You're going to love her. WILL: Jenny, listen. I think you're great. You're smart and you're beautiful and I think we've had a lot of fun. But you and I... I just don't think that we... (As Will struggles with the words, Jenny stomps on the brake. The car screeches to a halt in the middle of the road.) JENNY: Are you breaking up with me? I drive ALL the way out here-- WILL: Jenny... JENNY: With a BROKEN RADIO, by the way-- WILL: I know, I know-- JENNY: And you're going to break up with me! WILL: That's not really fair. JENNY: Why don't you call SYDNEY? WILL: Sydney's not my assistant. You work for me. JENNY: Not anymore! GET OUT! WILL: (chuckles) "Get out"? JENNY: I am NOT kidding! WILL: Where the hell are we? We're nowhere! JENNY: No, no, no! YOU'RE nowhere. Get out! WILL: Fine. (He gets out. She drives away, leaving him in the middle of nowhere.) (Sydney's bedroom. Sydney gets dressed for dinner at the Sloane's, her hair all done. Francie sits on the bed, reading a note to Sydney.) FRANCIE: "Dear Aunt Stephanie. Unfortunately, as my mother has informed you, the wedding is off so I am returning your kind gift of a coffee maker because, as it turns out, the man to whom I was engaged is a deceitful, two-faced, sex-crazed jackass. All my love, Francie." SYDNEY: It's not too harsh. FRANCIE: I want to read you one more. This is the restrained one. (The phone rings.) FRANCIE: Hello? VOICE: Joey's Pizza? FRANCIE: You know, this is Joey's Pizza. You want to hear our specials? (They hang up.) FRANCIE: Hello? Seriously, we need to think about changing our number. SYDNEY: I know! FRANCIE: Thank you. SYDNEY: I'm going to go get a bottle of wine for tonight. Do you need anything while I'm out. FRANCIE: No thanks. (Self-storage. Sydney walks in, dressed up and looking fantastic. She finds Jack and Vaughn talking.) SYDNEY: Hey. VAUGHN: Sloane brought the Rambaldi book home. JACK: I met with him earlier. He showed me the book. He was so taken by what he had seen, he wanted to show you the book himself. SYDNEY: So he brought it to his house? (Vaughn discreetly checks out Sydney, his eyes going up and down.) JACK: Yes, it'll be there tonight. SYDNEY: Why didn't he just wait until I was at SD-6 on Monday? JACK: An Alliance courier is en route to Los Angeles. They're taking the book to Germany. They have a cluster of labs in Munich, advanced analysis they can't perform here. SYDNEY: Wait a minute. The blank page. You want me to make a switch. VAUGHN: Yeah, if we don't do it tonight the courier will arrive in the morning and we'll lose our shot at getting that page anytime soon. SYDNEY: Doesn't this seem a little risky to you? Making a move like this, at Sloane's house while he's there without back-up? VAUGHN: Oh, you will have back-up. Your father's going, too. JACK: I can help you tonight. Emily believes her husband is C.O.O. at the bank. If he wants to show you the book, he'll have to do it in private, most likely in his office. SYDNEY: Where you want me to plant the bug. VAUGHN: That's right. JACK: If we assume that's where the book is being kept, it could be an ideal scenario. During dinner, Vaughn will call your cell phone, posing as a friend in need. You'll excuse yourself, go to Sloane's office, get into his safe and make the switch. VAUGHN: Now, Sloane's vault is an advanced cushion model. The guys who made the paperclip bug came up with this. It overrides the circuitry, tricks the safe into believing you entered the correct combination. Now, they say it's bitchin', so I'm assuming it's bitchin'. SYDNEY: I don't know about this plan. I mean, not only does it put me in danger and you, but I'm taking Will tonight. JACK: You're doing what? SYDNEY: Yeah. Emily told me to bring someone. Why? JACK: Nothing. I should leave. I'll see you there. (Jack walks out. Vaughn looks at Sydney.) VAUGHN: Look, if you feel you can make the switch, do it. Just use your discretion. (Pause.) VAUGHN: So, you're taking Will. SYDNEY: Yeah. (Vaughn nods and looks down. He finally meets Sydney's gaze.) VAUGHN: (softly) You look really pretty. SYDNEY: (smiles) Thank you. (Big, big smile. She leaves.) (Sloane's house. Doorbell rings. Emily opens the door.) EMILY: Oh, Sydney. SYDNEY: Hi! EMILY: I'm so glad you're here. SYDNEY: Hey. These are for you. (She gives Emily a bouquet of flowers.) EMILY: Oh, good, good. SYDNEY: You look beautiful. EMILY: Oh, thank you. You look fantastic. SYDNEY: I want you to meet my friend Will Tippin. And this is Emily. EMILY: How do you do? Pleased to meet you. Please come in. (Will smiles at Emily and walks in with Sydney. The mansion is beautiful.) WILL: Wow... (Jack comes out, holding a glass of wine.) EMILY: I believe you two know each other. JACK: Sure. We met. WILL: Hey! How you doing? Good to see you. (Will shakes Jack's hand, smiles at him.) JACK: You, too. WILL: Sydney tells me you're doing analysis for the bank. JACK: Strategy. Investment strategy. Arvin made me an offer I couldn't refuse. EMILY: Oh, that sounds like my husband! (Sloane comes down the stairs.) SLOANE: Sydney. So glad you came. SYDNEY: Me, too. This is my friend Will Tippin. Arvin Sloane. (Sloane's eyes get even smaller when he realizes who, in fact, Will is. Will, oblivious, smiles and shakes Sloane's hand.) WILL: Hey. SLOANE: Hey, nice to meet you. WILL: Yeah. Nice to meet you, too. SLOANE: Sydney, I want to show you something. And Emily, this is the only business we'll do this evening. (He kisses her cheek lovingly. Emily is pratically beaming. Sloane and Sydney leave the room.) EMILY: Can I get you anything to drink? WILL: Yes, yes. Anything would be great. EMILY: Okay, good. Come in. (Sloane's personal office. Sydney looks around as Sloane enters the combination of his safe.) SLOANE: I didn't get a chance to tell you how proud I am of the work you did in Tunisia. SYDNEY: I was just doing my job. SLOANE: Well, you will find, as you get older, how difficult it is to find people who just do their job. (Sydney drops the paper clip bug into a pencil holder on his desk. Sloane gets out the journal. They move over to the sofa.) SLOANE: A courier is picking this up tomorrow mornig for analysis. SYDNEY: Taking it where? SLOANE: England. (Sydney stares at him for a moment, knowing he just lied to her with ease.) SLOANE: I just wanted you to see it. I don't know if you had a chance to look at it, to really examine it. SYDNEY: No, I didn't open it. SLOANE: Some of the text is Italian, but most of it is in code. Code we haven't been able to break. Who was this man, Sydney? What did he see? What did Rambaldi see? (Sloane goes through the pages. They come to page forty-seven, the blank one.) SLOANE: Those who know about him - various agencies, a few in the private sector - they're spending millions to answer these questions. Millions. Men would die for this book. Men have died. You know, Sydney, the work we're doing here, trying to figure out who Rambaldi was, what he was working on, is becoming an obsession for me. SYDNEY: I am still not sure I am a believer. SLOANE: Neither was I. Neither was I. (Later, everyone is sitting around the dinner table.) EMILY: Wait a minute. You wrote the article about the fruit picker from La Venta? WILL: Yeah, yeah, I did. (He looks at Sydney, embarrassed. She smiles, very proud of him.) WILL: I can't believe you read that. EMILY: This is so funny! (to Sloane) I told you about this. There was a poll, in the newspaper. I voted for you. WILL: You're kidding me. I just won that. EMILY: You did? You deserved it. That story made me cry. It just... stayed with me. WILL: Yeah, well, that guy was amazing. EMILY: The story was about this man... Luis Maroma? WILL: Mm-hmm. EMILY: He was a fruit picker from Mexico. An immigrant. Illegal immigrant living in Los Angeles and he worked for a man who was... basically a slave driver. WILL: No, he was a slave driver. EMILY: The conditions these poor people lived in. Eighteen sleeping in every room, one bathroom. They were all undernourished. Of course, if anyone got sick, there was no health care. Anyway, Maroma was one of these workers smuggled in from Mexico. Their boss was a monster. WILL: He was the devil. He was literally the devil. SLOANE: How's that? EMILY: Well, if you spoke out against him, if you tried to leave, he'd have you killed. Now the other workers, they didn't know what they could do, but Luis Maroma could read. And he started to teach the others to read and he would find articles in the newspaper that they were wrapping the fruit in. Articles that taught them about their rights and what was right and wrong. Eventually, he led a revolt against this guy. I'm going to cry again, just talking about it. WILL: What was amazing was this man had no future. I mean, he was caught in a horrible position, working for the worst person in the world. But he was resourceful and he was smart and today he's going to college. EMILY: And the monster he worked for is in prison, rotting where he belongs. SLOANE: Wow. That's an incredible story. (Emily suddenly winces in pain, looking down.) SLOANE: Emily? (Sloane gets up and runs to his wife's side.) SLOANE: Emily, are you all right? EMILY: Mmm. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm sorry. (He kisses the top of her head.) EMILY: I'm still adjusting to this new medication. It's nothing. (Sydney looks horrified. Her cell rings.) SYDNEY: Excuse me. Sorry. Hello? (Vaughn sits in his office at the C.I.A. He smiles.) VAUGHN: Hi. It's Francie. SYDNEY: (to Will) Francie. WILL: Oh. SYDNEY: Excuse me. I have to take this call, I'm sorry. Hey, sweetie... (She runs off.) (Sydney walks in Sloane's office, still on the phone.) SYDNEY: Okay, I'm in. I'll see you at the dead drop. (She shuts off her phone and opens the door to the safe. She puts on Vaughn's magic device that will open the safe. Back at the dinner table.) SLOANE: So, Will, what story are you working on? WILL: I have a few irons in the fire. SLOANE: Really? What kind of irons? (The magic device beeps. Sydney opens the safe door and starts going through the journal, looking for page forty-seven. Back at the dinner table.) EMILY: Jack, could I get you some more wine? SLOANE: Please, let me get it. (Sloane starts to stand. Jack stops him.) JACK: You stay there. I'll get it. I know where the wine cellar is. WILL: Mmm, this lamb's fantastic. (Sydney rifles through the journal and finds the blank page. She lifts her leg and takes the counterfeit blank page which was wrapped around her upper thigh with the help of a garter, and replaces it. She takes the authentic page forty-seven and wraps it around her thigh with the garter again. Door opens. She looks up to see Jack at the doorway. He nods and leaves. She closes the journal. Back at the dinner table.) WILL: This? I got hit by a basketball. JACK: (holds the bottle) How's this? SLOANE: Jack, that's a very nice wine, but I have something special. A '78 Litsvage. JACK: I'll get it. SLOANE: No, please, I know where it is. You sit down this time, please. (Sydney puts the journal back inside, closes the door, takes off the magic device, closes the safe door and grabs her phone and purse. She sees Sloane standing in the doorway.) SLOANE: You look pale. SYDNEY: My friend... she's really having a rough time. SLOANE: I see. Is there anything I can do? SYDNEY: No, but thanks. (She walks out. Sloane's smile fades.) (Sydney walks down a street, carrying the page forty-seven in a tube. She throws in a garbage can for a dead drop.) (Sloane's office.) JACK: I should have told you last night about Tippin. He and McNeil traced the use of McNeil's program to some of the Alliance's shell companies. But I've dealt with Tippin. He won't be a problem for us anymore. SLOANE: Security section told me what you did. JACK: You had me followed by security section? SLOANE: They intercepted a phone call that Tippin made to McNeil this morning. The two have a scheduled meeting for this afternoon. JACK: I'm sure he's just going there to tell McNeil, in person, that he's off the story. SLOANE: I'm not convinced of that so I sent someone. (Prison. Will gets out of his car and walks to the gate.) SLOANE: (voice over) Now, if by their conversation it becomes clear that Tippin has given up his investigation, then yes, I think we should let him live. If, on the other hand, you haven't done the job this time... (Will bumps into a man in a suit.) SUIT: Sorry... SLOANE: (voice over) ...then no one can and I'm sure you will agree that Tippin will need to be taken care of. (The man in the suit gets in a car and listens in on earphones. He planted a bug on Will when he bumped into him. Inside the prison, at the phones.) DAVID: Hey. WILL: Hi. DAVID: So, I talked to Stoller. He's going to check on those companies. What happened to your face? WILL: We have to talk. (In the car, suit man listens.) WILL: When I first came here, and I asked you about SD-6, you told me not to pursue it. (Suit man gets a gun and silencer out. Back in the prison.) WILL: You said it was too dangerous. David, I think you were right. DAVID: So, why are you saying this to me now? Did you talk to Christophe? What did he say? WILL: No, I didn't talk to Christophe. DAVID: So what the hell's going on? WILL: I was kidnpaped yesterday. (Cut to Jack listening in in his office with headphones.) WILL: By... I don't know who they were but... I'm assuming they work for SD-6. (In the car, the suit man puts on the silencer.) WILL: David, they threatened me. They told me to drop the story. (Prison.) DAVID: And what makes you think if you do, they're not going to kill you anyway? WILL: What choice do I have? DAVID: You see it through. Understand this - the only way you can truly be safe is to publish this story. Expose them in print. That's your life insurance policy! (Jack listens, worrying that Will might cave because David is convincing.) DAVID: Come on, Will. We're close. You just give it a week. A week! (Prison.) DAVID: And we'll have something for you to write about. One more week and they can't touch you. (In the car, the man in the suit loads the gun and waits. Jack listens, even more worried. Will pauses, hurt and regret on his face.) WILL: I can't. I'm sorry. (David's face falls. He looks like he might cry.) DAVID: Kelly went away because of you. Because you convinced her that you were going to help me get out of here. Now you don't have the choice to back out on me. WILL: David, I hate myself for letting you down, okay? But right now, I'm you. I'm exactly where you were before your wife was killed. Now, if I do what you suggest... David, they're going to kill my family... my friends. If you could go back, if you could change it, you wouldn't hesitate, would you? (David shakes his head a little, watching his last chance back out on him.) WILL: I'm sorry. (Will hangs up the phone. David helplessly watches him go away. The man in the suit puts the gun away. Jack takes out the headphones, relieved.) (Vaughn is in his office, dictating to his assistant.) VAUGHN: Call Driscoll, tell him I got his e-mail, that he's a sick man and that we have the rink for tomorrow night. (A guy, Cohen, enters.) COHEN: Mr. Vaughn? VAUGHN: Yeah? I'm late for a meeting. COHEN: You're going to want to cancel that meeting. I'm officer Cohen with sci-tech. We, uh, we figured out how to read the Rambaldi document. VAUGHN: Yeah? COHEN: Yeah. (He gives a folder to him. Vaughn reads it.) VAUGHN: Cancel my meeting. (Self-storage. Sydney walks up to Vaughn, who is holding the file folder and looking like he might be sick with worry.) SYDNEY: I came as fast as I could. Vaughn, what's up? VAUGHN: Remember that vial of liquid Cole was after in the SD-6 vault? SYDNEY: Yeah, of course. VAUGHN: We used it on the blank page to get the ink to show up. SYDNEY: So it worked. VAUGHN: Yeah. SYDNEY: So, what is it? VAUGHN: Look, we're not sure, uh... we don't know what it means. That's sort of the problem. SYDNEY: (big smile) Okay, so you're acting really freaky. VAUGHN: I have the page with me and I'd like you to see it. SYDNEY: Okay. (He gives it to her. She opens it up. It's a sketch of Sydney, surrounded by text.)	Plan: A: Vaughn; Q: Who asks Sydney to use her friendship with Emily to gain access to the Rambaldi manuscript? A: Sloane; Q: Whose wife is Emily? A: Rambaldi; Q: What manuscript is under lock and key at Sloane's home? A: Anna Espinosa; Q: Who took the Rambaldi manuscript from Emily? Summary: Vaughn asks Sydney to use her friendship with Sloane's wife, Emily, to gain access to the Rambaldi manuscript Anna Espinosa took from her, and which happens to be under lock and key in a safe at Sloane's home. Will is kidnapped and told to drop his investigation of SD-6 or risk the lives of his family and friends, including Sydney's.
[Act One] [Scene One - Radio Station. Frasier enters the booth to find Roz. He has a gift in his hand as they greet each other] Frasier: For you. [hands over gift] Roz: Oh. Frasier: A little token of thanks after you cut those new promos, Dr. Frank on KTLK practically vanished from the radio. [as she opens gift] I know I'm not very good at picking up gifts for people usually, but when I saw this in the window, I knew it was perfect for you. [Roz takes out a small black purse from the box and bursts into sudden tears] Frasier: Still, maybe I should have gone with the shawl. Roz: [crying] No, it's not the purse. Although I do hate it! [drops it] I don't even know why I'm crying. Frasier: [hugs her] Oh, Roz, it's the pregnancy. A soup of hormones churns through your body and naturally your emotions are rising and falling at the slightest provocation. Roz: That's idiotic! Frasier: All right, all right, is there something else going on? Roz: Last night was a disaster! Frasier: Oh, right, your date. Roz: You see, everything was going fine until he tried to order me a drink, but then I told him I was pregnant. Frasier: You didn't tell him you were pregnant before the date? Roz: Well, that's not the easiest thing in the world to tell someone! Besides, I was hoping my radiant glow would do the talking for me! Frasier: Your glow! [laughs] Please, Roz, do you really think that... [off her glance] ...anyone could miss your glow?! Roz: So, I tell him, and he says, "Fine, it's not a problem". Five minutes later, he tells me his pager's vibrating, he has an emergency, he has to go to work. Frasier: Well, maybe he was telling the truth. Roz: He sells wicker furniture! Who needs their end tables re- caned at nine-thirty at [sobbing] night! [Roz exits to her booth as Frasier follows] Frasier: Roz, oh, God, Roz, Roz, look, I owe you an apology, Roz. It's not the hormones, you're embarking on a tremendous life- changing journey, now, naturally, anybody would be emotional. For what it's worth, I think you're handling it beautifully. Roz: Oh, thanks, Frasier. [Roz hugs him] Roz: [suddenly pulls away refreshed] I just need to go back to work. [Roz picks up a notepad and pen and tries to write] Roz: [suddenly irate again:] My God! My pen is out of ink! [Frasier exits to his booth] Frasier: Well, let's not discount the hormones all together. AND I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I'M A SIZE 11 [Scene Two - Department Store. Frasier walks over to the counter bearing the gift he bought for Roz] Frasier: Hello. I'd like to return this purse. Assistant: I'm terribly sorry but this was a sale item and we have a no-return policy. You wife didn't like it? Frasier: Well, I'm not married at the moment. Assistant: Girlfriend? Frasier: No, no, no, no girlfriend either, in fact I don't have time to go into all my other non-existent relationships, it was a gift for a friend. Assistant: Ah, well, perhaps your [suggestively] FRIEND would like to make it work with some matching shoes. We have up to size thirteen. Frasier: This really was a gift and I would thank you when you said the word "friend" not to italicise it! [A woman, Sam, overhears and comes to his aid] Sam: Excuse me, sir, I couldn't help overhearing, may I help you out here? Frasier: If you hold her down, I can do the rest. [laughs] Sam: [laughs] Well, hopefully, that won't be necessary. [Sam approaches the assistant] Sam: Ah, look, [reads her badge] Jill, we're all reasonable people here, why don't you just give this nice gentleman a store credit. Assistant: Look, I don't make the rules. Sam: Yes, but a shrewd saleswoman such as yourself knows that this business isn't about rules, it's about relationships. Now, look at this man, cultured, impeccably dressed, well- to-do, exactly the sort of man you'd love to have a relationship with... Now, there's only one thing standing in the way of that relationship, Jill, he's not happy with his purse. Frasier: [interrupting] It's not MY purse. Sam: Maybe his purse was the wrong colour, maybe it didn't hold enough. Frasier: [laughing off other people's glances] It's not my purse. Sam: The thing is, if this man walks away today unhappy, he may never shop here again, and who knows what he might have bought in the future; scarves, gloves, hosiery! The choice is yours, Jill, the commission that comes from a lifelong relationship or the hollow satisfaction of knowing you followed the rules! Assistant: Okay, I'll go get the forms. [The assistant leaves to the back as Sam turns to Frasier] Frasier: Thank you, that was very impressive. Sam: You should see me return something hard, like a house or a kidney! [laughs] You see the secret is persistence. Frasier: Ah, I'm Frasier Crane. Sam: I'm Samantha Pierce; Sam. [realises] Are you Dr. Frasier Crane? Frasier: Yes, I am. Sam: Oh, I thought your voice sounded familiar. Though for a while there, I thought you were the white zone's for loading and unloading only guy! Frasier: [laughs] You know, I get that a lot. [laughs] Sam, listen, may I thank you for taking me to dinner tonight? Sam: Oh, well, that's very sweet of you, but I was really just trying to be a good samaritan, thanks anyway. Frasier: Oh, no, thank you. Sam: Bye. Frasier: Goodbye. [Sam begins to walk away] Frasier: Oh, Sam... Sam: Okay, I'd love to go to dinner. Frasier: Well, that's wonderful. Sam: You see, persistence pays off! Frasier: Actually, I was going to ask you to get my parking validated, but this works out very well too. [Frasier and Sam leave arm in arm] [Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment. Martin is watching a Sea Hawks game as Frasier enters. Frasier is dressed smartly and looks very proud and smug. He sits on the couch and stares at Martin, wanting some words of encouragement] Martin: What are you doing? Frasier: Just watchin' football with you. What's the score? Martin: 27-20. Frasier: Oh, thanks. Martin: Do you want to know who's winning? Frasier: Not particularly, no. [Daphne enters and notices him] Daphne: Well, someone has a special evening planned. Frasier: As a matter of fact, I do. What tipped you off? My incredible self-confident air? Daphne: No, your silver collar pin, you only wear it when you've got a hot date! [doorbell sounds] Good work getting all the tarnish off, it showed up quite nicely. [Daphne opens the door to Niles] Daphne: Good evening, Dr. Crane. Niles: Hello, Daphne. [enters] Dad, Frasier. Frasier: Niles. Niles: You gentlemen ready to go? Martin: Now, give me a minute. Frasier: Well, actually, I can't make it to the boat show with you and dad, this evening it will just be the two of you. Niles: [putting on a brave face] Oh, too bad! Well, maybe some other time? [walks upstage] Goodness, it is a clear night? Frasier: Yes, it's been rather windy lately. [Niles drags Frasier out onto the balcony to look up at the stars] Niles: Just look at those stars, is that Orion? Frasier: Yes, I believe it is. Niles: A-ha. [then] What the hell are you doing? We entered into a support pact, whenever there's a dad event, we're there for each other. Frasier: Niles! I have a date with a spectacular woman! Niles: So what? I gave up "Traviata" tickets to support you at a tractor pull! Martin: [calls] Hey, Niles, I thought that we could stop at that Medieval restaurant for dinner. Niles: [sticks head out] Oh, sounds great, dad. [Niles then starts to hit Frasier] Frasier: Daphne. Would you be interested in using my ticket to the boat show tonight? Daphne: Yes, that would be nice. Niles: [stops hitting] Very crafty. [The brother re-enter the living room] Daphne: So, who's the lucky lady? Frasier: You know, the name is Samantha Pierce, we just met yesterday. She recognised me from my radio show, you know what, in fact, when I asked her out, I sensed a bit of shyness which made me wonder if she was perhaps intimidated by my fame. Martin: Did you say Samantha Pierce? Frasier: Yeah, dad. Martin: Short blonde hair, blue eyes? Frasier: Right, how would you know that? Martin: She's on "Larry King"! [Martin points out the television] [Cut to the television. We see a typical show from Larry King] King: We're here with noted attorney, Samantha Pierce, she's in Los Angeles to appear with us. Currently, she's trying a case in Seattle defending the butcher knife killer. [turns to Sam] Sam, I have to ask you. Don't you think being in the public eye, dating some of the world's most famous men, affects the way juries perceive you? Sam: Now, that's not really fair, Larry. I don't date public figures. King: What about the much-publicised relationship with Kevin Costner? Sam: Oh, that's just a rumour. King: George Stepanopolous? Sam: A rumour too. King: Brad Pitt is another rumour? Sam: Yeah, but I started that one. [Cut to Frasier's living room where they are watching] Niles: I can certainly see how she'd be intimidated by your fame! Frasier: Gee, you know, I thought her name sounded familiar. I must have read it in the newspaper. Martin: Congratulations, Fras', you're playing in the big leagues now. Kevin Costner, Stepanopolous... you! Daphne: Don't let him shake your confidence. You'll be fine. Maybe she's had her fare of attractive men and is ready for a change. Frasier: Well, aren't I lucky?! Normally a forest troll like me has to trick a woman to get a date! Daphne: No, all I'm saying is, I once dated a man who'd gone out with several of the top British actresses but got sick of their vanity and insecurity. Frasier: So there, you see, it does happen. Daphne: Course, after he got through slumming, he dumped me and went back to actresses. But he did get me an autographed picture of Helena Bonham Carter. She's riding a pony! [Daphne nods with this gleeful fact as the rest raise their eyebrows] [Scene Four - Restaurant. Sam and Frasier are on their date, dining together] Sam: So, Teddy Kennedy, Henry Kissinger and the Dalai Lama are all in this plane... Frasier: Wait, wait, I think I've heard this joke. Sam: No, no, this really happened to me about a month ago. Frasier: [laughs] Well, don't I feel silly. Sam: Never mind, it's not a very good story anyway. Frasier: So, how's your appetiser? Sam: Oh, it's delicious. [pause] Your salad? Frasier: It's very good. [pause] Well, I haven't even tried it yet. [tastes it, he is pleased] Ah, yes, I was right. Sam: Look, I hope this doesn't offend you, but I'm having a stressful day and I really don't have the energy to make a lot of small talk, plus I'm not very hungry. Would you mind terribly... Frasier: Look, I think I know where this is headed. You don't have to say. Sam: Frasier, can we just go someplace and have sx? Frasier: [surprised] Well, that, you did have to say. Sam: I'm sorry if that sounded forward, but it's the only thing I really want to do right now. Frasier: Well, I'm flattered and the thought is very tempting, but you see on my show, I'm constantly preaching that people should get to know one another, have things in common, before taking that kind of step. [pause] What's your favourite colour? Sam: Blue. Frasier: Mine too. [to waiter:] Check, please! [End of Act One] [Act Two] [Scene One - Frasier's Apartment. Frasier is stood in his dressing gown as Martin and Daphne enter] Frasier: Oh, a-hoy there mateys. How was the boat show? Daphne: Oh, it was wonderful. Martin: Yeah, they had this one great exhibit, where you climb into this boat, you put on a life jacket and they simulate what it's like to be caught out at sea in a hurricane. [Niles then enters the apartment looking extremely tired. His hair is all a mess as he stumbles around the furniture] Frasier: Good Lord, Niles, why did you ever agree to go on a ride like that? Niles: I didn't; I dined at the snack bar. [Frasier gives him a look] Martin: Well, I guess this wasn't a very hot night for you, huh, home by ten thirty? Frasier: Well... Sam: [o.s] Found my bra! [Sam enters, dressed, carrying her bra, to everyone's surprise] Sam: Oh, well, this is a little embarrassing. Frasier: Oh, not at all, not at all. Sam, this is my brother, Dr. Niles Crane, my father, Martin Crane and his health care worker, Daphne Moon. [They all greet each other] Daphne: I've been watching the trial on TV, it's fascinating. Sam: For us too. Well, I better be going, I'm early in the morning. Frasier: Right. Sam: Lovely meeting all of you. [Sam and the gang bid their farewell as she and Frasier moves to the doorway] Frasier: I had a wonderful evening. Sam: So did I. [kisses him] Good night. [Sam leaves as Frasier closes the door. He gives his macho look to the rest] Frasier: Well, I'm off to bed. Niles: Oh, no, no, no, not so fast, mister! I can tell by that goofy smile of yours that you're obviously smitten with this woman. Frasier: Thank you, Niles, but I am not some dewey-eyed teenager. [thinking aloud] She did say the cutest things... that murderers often show no remorse for their action because they have no moral center. [The rest look at him confused] Frasier: It was cute the way she said it. [Frasier exits to his room] [SCENE_BREAK] HE ONCE NAILED A BORDELAIS AT 20 YARDS [Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. Frasier is cooking in the kitchen, wearing his pinny, as Sam watches him] Frasier: All right, now, I want you to taste this, tell me what you think. Sam: [tastes it] Mmmm, that's spectacular, where did you learn how to do that? Frasier: That's just a little something I picked up as a child at sauce camp. [Sam's cellular phone rings, she answers] Sam: [into phone] Hello. What? When did this happen? Well, because we're expected to give full disclosure. Can't Brendan handle it? Oh, all right. [hangs up] [Frasier looks disheartened] Sam: I suppose you know what I'm about to say. Frasier: You wanna skip dinner again and go straight to sx? Sam: I'm sorry, Frasier, I really am. And you went to all this trouble. [They enter the living area] Frasier: It's all right. You know fine French cooking, it's always better after a night in the fridge. [They laugh as Niles, Daphne and Martin enter] Martin: Don't worry, we just came back to get our umbrellas and then we're leaving. Frasier: No, no, no, stay, stay. Sam: It's all right, I've been called back to work. It would be a shame to let a good meal go to waste. Niles: [smells air] Ah, Frasier's morel mushroom and tarragon sauce. Sam: Wow, how did you know that? Frasier: Niles has always been able to identify a sauce from a great distance. Martin: His mother and I were so proud! Sam: Well, if it's not too late, maybe I'll be able to come back over afterwards. [They move to the doorway as the rest move inside] Sam: Either well, I'll call you. Frasier: That's what you said yesterday, but you forgot. Sam: I told you I was sorry about that. I promise, I'll call. [They kiss before Sam leaves] Daphne: What a shame, and after you cooked that lovely meal. Frasier: Yes, let me tell you something, Crown Roast does not prepare itself! [sits on sofa arm] You know, it's funny, as much as I care for this woman, there's something about this relationship that leaves me vaguely unsettled. Niles: I might venture a theory at which you're sure to hoot! What may be making you uncomfortable is that for the first time you find yourself in a more submissive role. Frasier: What on God's earth are you talking about? Daphne: I think what he means is - you're the girl! [Niles nods to this assessment] Niles: Well, think about it. How did you two first meet? She came to your rescue. Who initiated the first sexual encounter? She did. Martin: She did?! For God's sake, who's wearing the pants in this relationship?! Niles: My point exactly, dad. Frasier: Oh, fine, look, as much fun it must be to spin out this little theory, it's entirely without foundation. [We hear the oven bell in the kitchen] Frasier: [feminine] Dear God, there's my Rosemary Bread! [Frasier enters the kitchen as Daphne follows] Daphne: Look, if it's any consolation, I know what you're going through. Women have been putting up with it for generations. Men say they'll call and they don't, or you get a few nice dinners and then the eventual booty call. Frasier: I did not get a booty call! [pause] What's a booty call? Daphne: It's a late night call inviting you to meet but with the true goal of just having s*x. Frasier: Oh, God, I did get a booty call. [Frasier and Daphne enter the living room] Martin: You know, Frasier, if you ask me, you should nip this thing in the bud before it gets out of hand. [nods towards Niles] I don't think we have to look beyond our own family to find an example of someone who let a woman run the show from the beginning and has been paying for it ever since. Niles: [looks up] Poor Uncle Frank. [The rest are shocked at his denial] Frasier: Well, I can see I'm wasting my time fighting you people. You can take the tiniest detail from my relationship with Sam and twist it to support your ridiculous theory. [Frasier goes to open the door to find Sam there with a bunch of flowers] Sam: I saw a guy out on the street selling these, I thought they might cheer you up. Frasier: [takes them] Oh, Sam, they're beautiful. Sam: I really gotta run. [They kiss and she exits] Frasier: Oh, I suppose, now, you're going to read something into this! [Frasier walks off] [Scene Three - Lawyer's Reception Evening. There are a group of people mingling as Sam and Frasier chat] Sam: God, I really love that tie. Frasier: Oh, as well you should, you sent it to me. Sam: Oh, yeah, right. Frasier: You had your secretary pick it up, didn't you? Sam: Yes, but only because he has better taste than I do. Don't worry about tonight, Frasier, I know how boring these lawyer parties always are. [Daniel Peel walks up to them] Daniel: Sam. Sam: Oh, Frasier, I'd like you to meet our senior partner, Daniel Peel. Daniel: Hi, how are you? Sam, they're ready for us on that conference call. Sam: Oh, right, yeah, well, it'll just take a minute. [Sam and Daniel exit as the wives & girlfriends' group walk up to incorporate Frasier] Jennifer: Who are you? Frasier: I'm Frasier. Jennifer: I'm Jennifer, Stewart's wife. Frasier: Hello. Jennifer: And this is Cindy Dolsay, she's married to Bob. Terri Bailey, she's living with Ned. And Vanessa St. Clare, soon to be Mrs. Irving Lumpowsky. [Vanessa extends her hand, showing him her engagement ring] Frasier: Well, good heavens. Vanessa: So, how long have you and Sam been seeing each other? Frasier: Well, actually, just about three weeks. We haven't really been able to get much time together, but she assures me that'll all change as soon as the... Women: [all together] ...trial is over! [laughs] Jennifer: There's always another trial, but you'll get used to the life. Dates get cancelled, dinners left uneaten but at least you'll get sent plenty of flowers. Cindy: Oh, Jennifer, he's a man, he won't get flowers. [They all laugh as Sam comes over] Frasier: Oh, Sam, Sam, could I have a word with you in private. Sam: Sure. [Frasier and Sam walk onto the terrace] Sam: Is there something wrong? Frasier: Well, now's the not best time to bring this up, but, please, I'm feeling an uneasiness about this relationship. Sam: What do you mean? Frasier: Well, er, look, I'm not one to get bogged down in male/female role playing, it's just that lately, well... Take our first date, we'd barely begun dinner when you suggested that we run off and go to bed together, well, traditionally that is... [realises] well, every man's dream, okay, bad example! But then, the way that you cancel dates all the time and say you'll call and you don't call, and then you have your secretary send me a gift and then when I get upset about it, you think you can buy we off with flowers. Sam: Is that it? That's what you dragged me out here for? I'm in the middle of the most intense case of my entire career, a man's life hangs in the balance and you're whining about flowers?! Frasier: Well, I think whining's a little strong. Sam: Well, well, tell me what you mean, Frasier. I mean, if you're the one who has to work late hours and is breaking all the dates and is sending flowers and gifts, would that be okay? Frasier: No, no, it's.... Sam: Good God! You're a psychiatrist, shouldn't you be above all this?! Frasier: Look, I'm just telling you how I feel and now you're yelling at me! Sam: Well, just tell me what you want, Frasier. Do you want to be the traditional man, and I'll be the put-upon woman? Frasier: No. That's not what I want. [sighs] I just wish that we could have a relationship where neither one of us is the man. Sam: So, that would make us, what? A lesbian couple? Frasier: [laughs] Well, they're very in now. Sam: I know no-one likes being stood up. I'll try to be more understanding. Frasier: And I'll try to stop being so damn emotional. Sam: You know, I'm glad we had this little talk because I was about to make a very big mistake. Frasier: What? Sam: Well, the other day, when we were at the store, you mentioned that you liked something and, well, typical me, I just ran right out and bought it. Frasier: Oh, well, we certainly dodged the bullet, there didn't we? [hopeful] What was it? [Sam takes a watch case out of her bag and hands it to Frasier] Frasier: And you bought this for me? Sam: Yeah, I'm really rather embarrassed, Frasier. You were right, I take relationships for granted and then I just run right off to Cartier and buy you an expensive gift to make up for it! Frasier: [gleeful] Cartier? Sam: I'll return it, I promise. I know how strongly you feel. Frasier: Well, you know, maybe I've been just a bit self-absorbed lately and if you're really the kind of person who likes to express their affections by buying gifts then who am I to stand in your way? [puts it on] All right, it's lovely. [They laugh] Frasier: Well... Sam: No, Frasier, about the gift, I just give gifts because I can never think of the right words to... Frasier: Is this what you're trying to say? [Frasier and Sam kiss passionately] Sam: Very well put. [kiss again] Well, what do you say we get out of here? I'll get our coats. Frasier: No, no, I will get out coats. Sam: You don't know where they are. Frasier: Oh, all right, you get them. [Sam and Frasier enter the main area. Sam goes off to get the coats as Frasier passes the wives' group. He eavesdrops] Jennifer: I'm so bored. What time is it? Frasier: Time? Well, let's just have a look. [Frasier shows off his watch to the group as they all gasp. We fade out as they all comment on how beautiful it is whilst Frasier explains how Sam bought it from Cartier] [End of Act Two] [SCENE_BREAK] [Roz is sat in her booth doing so work. She's laughing uncontrollably. Then suddenly she starts crying when she starts writing and all her mascara begins to run. She takes out her pocket mirror to straighten herself up, however the reflection of herself just makes her cry even more. Then the hormones kick in again and she suddenly sees the funny side of her image and starts laughing again. She finally wipes her eyes and begins to fall asleep]	Plan: A: Samantha; Q: Who is the high profile criminal defense attorney that Frasier meets? A: an unwanted gift; Q: What was Frasier trying to return to Roz? A: his rescue; Q: What does Samantha come to when she meets Frasier? A: the shop assistant; Q: Who did Samantha convince to give him store credit? A: dinner; Q: What did Frasier invite Samantha to to say thank you? A: Frasier's family; Q: Who becomes confused when it emerges that Frasier is the more submissive one in their relationship? Summary: Frasier meets Samantha, a high-profile criminal defense attorney , while in a shop trying to return an unwanted gift for Roz. She actually comes to his rescue by persuading the shop assistant to give him store credit. He invites her to dinner to say thank you, and before they finish the hors d'œuvre she asked out of the blue if they could go somewhere and have sex. Over time, Frasier's family become confused when it emerges that he is the more submissive one in their relationship.
Opening scene - The Cohen Kitchen - Seth and Ryan are at the dining room table discussing Ryan's kiss with Theresa Seth: what-what kind of kiss was it? Ryan: I don't know a kiss, my lips Theresa's lips a kiss Seth: lips now that's interesting (they both get up from the table) uh was there tongue Ryan: i'm not answering that Seth: why Ryan: you really wanna know Seth: (thinks) no but jus tell me this, what sort of level of kiss are we talking about was it like a-like a Christina Madonna peck or was it like a Britney Madonna sorta smooch or was it like a full on like a-like a Al an Tipper Gore lip lock Ryan: it was just a kiss ok (they are now heading out of the kitchen to the backyard) Seth: ok so you guys a couple now, what is she staying here, if so where is she gonna live how is she gonna live what's her credit like (Ryan looks at him) what sort of lease is she lookin'a sign (they are now entering the pool house) are we talkin about like a year or-or a month ta month or is she lookin ta buy Ryan: lease? there's no lease! ok Seth: ok so then what she's going back an if so what're ya gonna do are ya gonna commute back an forwards from Chino an if your commuting who's car are you gonna take (Ryan looks at him like he's crazy) how're you gonna pay for gas how're you gonna do that, what free way is your free way - of - choice, are you gonna take the 55 to the 5 or are you gonna take the 91 to the 71 or are you gonna take the seventy- Ryan: (completely frustrated) whoa! (Seth looks at him as if to say 'what?') just-just whoa! Seth: ok ill just whoa, the thing is you guys kissed an I think you should have a plan cause its kind of a big deal Ryan: no it's not a big deal your jus makin it a big deal Seth: really Ryan: really I mean I don't even know when id see her again (Theresa comes in) Theresa: hi Ryan: (shocked) Theresa, hey Seth: hey we were just discussing your plan Theresa: what plan Seth: yeah...exactly (Ryan glares at him) Theresa: I just had the morning off I thought you guys might need a ride ta school Ryan: oh yeah great Seth: yeah Theresa: I hope its ok me stopping by Seth: it's fine come on Ryan: yeah sure why wouldn't it be (Theresa laughs) (Marissa comes in) Seth: Marissa (raises his eyebrows at Ryan) hello Theresa: hey Marissa: Theresa hi I didn't think you'd be- Seth: staying? yeah well (laughs) Ryan: what's up? Marissa: uh nothing I just thought maybe you guys'd need a ride...ta school Ryan: oh thanks Seth: (nods) cool (they all look at each other uncomfortably) Seth: well I can go with Marissa and Ryan an Theresa can go together Marissa: no, no Seth really it's ok Theresa: (to Marissa) actually it makes more sense if you take them Marissa: (pointed) why because we go'ta the same school (shrugs) because I live here (awkward silence) Seth: (softly) ill go with Marissa an Ryan an Theresa can go... Marissa: yeah sorry y-you know what I should've called first anyway Theresa: I should've called to Marissa: um uh ill jus see you guys at school (leaves) Theresa: yeah I shouldn't just stop by i'm gonna go Ryan: no no wait-wait (mumbles) Theresa: call me later (leaves) Seth: well looks like we're hitch hiking Theme Song - California by Phantom Planet Cohen kitchen - Sandy and Kirsten are in there together Sandy: mornin beautiful Kirsten: good morning (Marissa walks through the kitchen on her way out) Kirsten: Marissa Marissa: Kirsten, Sandy (walks out) (Sandy frowns and looks back towards the door) Kirsten: well your not gonna believe who is Riviera magazines man of the year (Theresa walks through now) Kirsten: Theresa Theresa: Mrs. Cohen, Mr. Cohen (leaves) Sandy: well that's nice, I mean she really deserves the award, good kid Kirsten: it's my dad (puts magazine in front of Sandy) Sandy: ugh my vote stays with Theresa (Ryan and Seth come in) Seth: uh-hm Kirsten: hey Seth: hey Sandy: is it a good morning Ryan: mmm Kirsten: so Ryan a couple of your friends stopped by...briefly Seth: yeah we know it was awkward Kirsten: (to Ryan) so is Theresa staying Seth: yeah looks that way looks that way Sandy: I thought she was goin home (Ryan goes to answer) Seth: nope change'a plans (Ryan looks at him) Sandy: it's amazing his lips (points to Ryan) don't even move Kirsten: well how long is she staying? Seth: well uh uh (Ryan glares at him) you tell them Ryan: we're-we're-we're figuring it all out Sandy: well is she-is she gonna...what rent a place what kinda lease month to month year is- can she afford ta buy (Ryan looks at Seth) what's she gonna do Seth: (smiles) I am this way for a reason Ryan: yeah I just told you guys she's catering a tennis tournament that's it Kirsten: is she gonna get a job after that Sandy: an what about the guy she's engaged to Kirsten: is she going back to school Ryan: (tries to answer, but sounds just come out) school, bye (leaves) Seth: now you know why I do all the talking we're gonna need a ride by the way thanks (leaves) Kirsten: uh ill take em ta school it's on my way ta the office, so is my dad gonna be in a good mood Sandy: well he should be...he's man'a the year Kirsten: I meant the case...are you gonna take it Sandy: i'm thinkin about it Kirsten: its jus we're gonna host the reception here for my dads award an it would be nice...if Uncle Shaun could be here Sandy: not if we have'ta pay for the bar tab (Kirsten looks at him) i'm thinking about it (Kirsten kisses him on the cheek) CUT TO: Harbor school - Luke is sitting outside playing his guitar, Marissa sees him and goes over Luke: (smiles) hey Marissa: (sits next to him) hey...can I ask you something Luke: yeah sure Marissa: uh...when...you an I...broke up...an uh I started dating Ryan, was it hard for you (shrugs) ta see us together Luke: (nods) yeah (Marissa nods) but hey we wouldnt'a broken up if I hadn't...deserved it Marissa: I guess now I know what it feels like huh (shrugs) to deserve it (Marissa looks up and sees Ryan and Seth walking together. Luke sees that she was watching) Luke: the sooner you realise that it's never gonna go back ta the way it was...the sooner you can move on CUT TO: Marissa is talking to a group of people, she sees Ryan walking by himself and goes over to him Marissa: (to group) ok ill see you guys later (catches up to Ryan) hey Ryan i'm sorry about this morning Ryan: no, no, no its-its ok Marissa: I jus didn't realise she was gonna be there Ryan: yeah there was a-a change of plans Marissa: (nods) how long is she staying for Ryan: I dont'know she's just uh gotta find a job, place ta live Marissa: minor details huh Ryan: yeah (smiles) Marissa: well if you need any help Ryan: ah-huh thanks (walks away) (Marissa watches him go) CUT TO: Seth, Summer and Anna are outside at the lunch tables. Summer has the Riviera magazine that has Caleb on the front cover Seth: check out gramps he looks so angry Anna: that's because he is Summer: I don't know why he's on the cover of a magazine Anna: (sarcastic) it's hard to believe that doesn't leave him happy an fulfilled right Summer: totally, I know (Anna looks at Seth, and Seth smiles) Summer: oh I love the society page it's like suddenly all of the people we know are famous, wow Diana Kahn totally got a chin implant Anna: (touches her chin) they have chin implants (Seth touches his chin) Summer: oh yeah my dad does em all the time he says chins are the new nose Anna: so did Picasso Summer: really, what hospital does he work for (Anna looks at her, as does Seth) (smiles) kidding i'm not that dumb just shallow Seth: is all this talk of uh Newport an plastic surgery boring you Anna Anna: no actually, i'm savoring it, I won't be hearing it much longer, i'm leaving Seth: you gettin desert Anna: no (stands) i'm going back ta Pittsburgh Seth: what Anna: i'm gonna go live with my aunt an uncle, i've jus kind of had enough of Newport so (nods) i'm leaving (Seth looks heart broken, Summer looks sad) CUT TO: Harbor parking lot - Ryan and Theresa are sitting in Theresa's car. they are going through jobs in the newspaper Ryan: park ranger cadet full time position available Theresa: I wouldn't look good in the hat Ryan: you'd get ta put out forest fires Theresa: moving on... Ryan: classifieds are uh... Theresa: depressing Ryan: we'll find something, we'll figure it out Theresa: I know...i'm glad you called me ta come meet you...who knew being unemployed could be so much fun (they look at each other, then the bell goes) Ryan: I gotta get ta class (Theresa nods) (Theresa puts the newspaper up in front of her head and Ryan leans over and kisses her, they both laugh/smile. Ryan gets out of the car) Ryan: it will be ok Theresa: (nods) ok (Theresa starts the car and leaves, Ryan watches her go) CUT TO: Julie's door - Luke knocks and Kaitlin answers Luke: Kaitlin, hi Kaitlin: (smiles) hi Luke, what's goin on Luke: well I just uh finished school for the day you know which is always a good thing Katilin: I so know what you mean (smiles) (Julie comes to the door) Julie: Luke, what're you doing here? Kaitlin: we're talking mom (smiles at Luke) Julie: (to Kaitlin) go get ready daddy's coming to take you ta dinner Kaitlin: (to Luke) so ill see ya soon? Julie: (softly) Luke you know not ta come to the house we meet at the motel Luke: I just thought...that you needed help with your DSL Julie: Luke as much as I want high-speed internet access it's not worth Kaitlin becoming suspicious (sound of a car door, Jimmy walks up) Jimmy: hey Jules, Luke Julie: Luke jus came by ta defrag my hard drive Jimmy: ok Julie: hurry along Luke make it quick (Luke goes inside, Julie and Jimmy look at each other) Julie: ill make sure Kaitlin's ready (Jimmy looks unsure about what just happened) CUT TO: Cohen backyard - Sandy is grilling fish and Ryan comes out Sandy: hey, should I put another piece'a swordfish on for Theresa...or Marissa... (smiles) or any other ladies you plan on having over Ryan: uh I was gonna go pick up Theresa so... Sandy: done an done...so how's that goin with you guys? Ryan: aah good, just tryin'a figure it out Sandy: 'it' being Ryan: (sits up on the bench) pretty much everything Sandy: you wanna know what I think Ryan: your gonna tell me either way right Sandy: like my own son, your in high school she should be...your both in way over your heads (Ryan is listening) she's got no real job, she's got no place ta live an please don't ask me if she can stay here Ryan: nah I wouldn't Sandy: good cause you have no idea what Kirsten did the last time I floated such a concept, Theresa's got family in Chino, she's got a life in Chino, running away is not the answer Ryan: I know, it's kinda crazy Sandy: oh no its sweet its-its totally misguided but its-its-its kinda charming...you gotta tell her, its time she faced the music or at least the fiancé CUT TO: Dining room/kitchen - Caleb and Kirsten are preparing dinner Caleb: an your gonna do that thing with the white lights in your back yard right Kirsten: of course dad Caleb: good, I love the white lights...an no cilantro, I hate cilantro Kirsten: your man'a the year, I think they can make some food without cilantro Caleb: ill have'ta make a toast...you've got that 73 Dom in your wine cellar yes Kirsten: I think you went through that on your birthday Caleb: hmm (Ryan comes in) Ryan: Kirsten...Mr. Nichol Kirsten: why don't you call him Caleb? (Ryan looks at Kirsten, Caleb looks at Kirsten) Ryan: congrats on your award Caleb: ah means nothing, there lucky I agreed ta pose for there front cover Kirsten: I think you should use that in your speech (to Ryan) do you want me ta set a place for Theresa Ryan: (unsure) uh i'm gonna have'ta get back to you on that one (leaves) Kirsten: i'm gonna go check on the Dom you know I was thinking chardonnay...for dinner Caleb: nah get the pinot (Kirsten looks at him) do what you like it's your house i'm jus making a salad (Kirsten smiles) Sandy: man'a the year an still so modest i'm so glad ta see it hasn't gone to your head Cal Caleb: the case, have you made your decision Sandy: i've decided what it'll take ta make me decide, you tell Kirsten, everything Caleb: she's better off not knowing Sandy: no she's not, you are...she is already implicated without her knowledge Caleb: then why worry her, this may all go away you know Sandy: it - may - not an I wont spend the next year lying to her so if you want my help ya tell her everything (Caleb looks at him) CUT TO: Mermaid Inn - Ryan is sitting in the car looking up at the motel, then we go to Theresa's door where she is just opening it Theresa: (big smile) hi Ryan: hey (at the same time) Ryan: we should talk Theresa: I have news (they both smile/laugh) Ryan: you go first Theresa: I just got off the phone with Eddie an I told him (shakes her head) i'm not coming home any time soon Ryan: (shocked) you did Theresa: he didn't take it well but uh now that I did it which I cant believe I did...I feel so much more free or something (Ryan doesn't say anything) what'did you wanna talk about? Ryan: (smiles) how'do you feel about swordfish CUT TO: Cohen kitchen the next morning - Seth is sitting at the bench looking lost, Ryan comes in from outside also looking lost Seth: so she's leaving Ryan: no she's staying Seth: (confused) what when did you talk ta Anna Ryan: (confused) Anna? Seth: yeah she told me she's goin back ta Pittsburgh Ryan: (frowns) Anna's goin back ta Pittsburgh Seth: well uh uh not anymore, according ta you Ryan: i'm totally confused Seth: she Anna - is leaving Ryan: she Theresa is staying Seth: right, got it (sighs) so she really is leaving Ryan: that sucks (sits next to him) Seth: do you think its cause'a me...I can't believe I caused a girl ta leave the state, the county, maybe sure fine Ryan: you really think its cause'a you Seth: well I mean we broke up she went back east she had a great time she comes back only ta see me standing on a coffee cart declaring my eternal love for Summer Ryan: well maybe she jus doesn't feel that comfortable here, not everybody does Seth: I know, I get that but if it is cause'a me...maybe I can talk her out of it except for the fact that I cant ask her if its cause'a me without sounding totally self absorbed but i'm not self absorbed right Ryan me, me Ryan: (thinking) huh Seth: me Ryan: uh I was jus thinkin about Theresa (sighs) she's staying what am I gonna do Seth: (sighs) she's leaving what am I gonna do CUT TO: Toledo Grill (some type of restaurant I assume) - Kirsten is walking to the outside tables, and Caleb is waiting for her Caleb: hey Kiki (kisses her cheek) Kirsten: mwa Caleb: thanks for meeting me Kirsten: (unsure) is everything ok Caleb: uh jus, why don't you have a seat (pulls seat out for her) Kirsten: (frowns at Caleb) is it Uncle Shaun Caleb: ...the hotel room that he accidentally stumbled into the other day...Joel Mcuin was staying there Kirsten: well that's quite a coincidence since Joel Mcuin is the leading lumber supplier on the west coast...not such a coincidence Caleb: it's not the first time that he's accidentally stumbled into a hotel room, its jus the first time he's got caught Kirsten: I knew Uncle Shaun was a tough negotiator an yeah well he sent extra nice Christmas presents to certain teamsters but breaking an entering, theft (laughs) what else black mail racketeering (Caleb just drinks his drink) is he goin'a jail Caleb: not if Sandy can help it Kirsten: well if he can't, are they gonna go after you Caleb: ...i'm afraid it's not just me (Kirsten is stunned) CUT TO: Harbor school - Ryan is sitting in the student lounge studying, Marissa comes in and goes over to him Marissa: hey (Ryan looks up and smiles) Marissa: catching up on Western Civ Ryan: yeah Spanish Inquisition, alotta fun Marissa: (laughs) yeah tell me about it (Ryan smiles) could they give us anymore- (Eddie runs in and shuts Ryan's book, it scares Marissa) Eddie: (angry) get up Ryan: Eddie (stands) Eddie what's goin on Eddie: (upset) (points) you know exactly what's goin on (sad) you sleep with her? (Marissa watches, shocked) Ryan: no, no Eddie: no then why would she call me an tell me she's not comin back why would she stay here huh Ryan: (softly) this isn't the right time (touches Eddies arm) Eddie: no don't touch me man, after everything I did for you growin up the least you can do is be honest with me, now you be a man an you tell me, are you sleepin with her Ryan: (loudly) no! Teacher: excuse me, this lounge is for faculty an students only Eddie: alright, believe me (softly to Ryan) i'm not lettin her go (leaves) (Ryan stands there and looks over to where Marissa is standing, she looks worried/shocked, Ryan picks up his things and walks out, Marissa watches him leave) CUT TO: Anna rushing up the stairs outside, Seth goes over to her Seth: Anna (Anna looks back but doesn't stop) hey Anna: hi Seth: this is nice weather we're having Anna: yeah Seth: yeah oh did you hear the Lakers won Anna: oh did they Seth: yeah Anna: huh Seth: yeah, yeah they did, there was somethin else I wanted'ta talk to you about actually what was it I can't remember (puts finger on his chin) oh that's it...your leaving, why the hell are you leaving Anna: you know I cant i'm late for class Seth: yeah you've got at least 3 minutes Anna: no it's a little bit more complicated then that Seth: why don't you start with like...one reason, there's gotta be you know one main overriding reason Anna: (giving in) alright fine look I miss the seasons, I miss fall foliage I miss the snow, I miss- I miss the first signs of spring Seth: you miss the seasons? Anna: yeah and... Seth: and Anna: an my little dog swifty, we left him with my aunt an my uncle an-an the Jimmy Stewart museum an peanut butter cup pies at Dingbats the vinyl selection at record village, an Sundays the superflea fleamarket...huh I guess I did get it into three minutes huh Seth: so that's it there's not like...one other reason Anna: did I say peanut butter cup pies Seth: (nods) yeah Anna: (shakes her head) then no Seth: good excellent um...tomorrow we're havin this thing at my house for my grandpa Anna: cant, tomorrow i'm leaving Seth: well ya can't leave without saying goodbye though Anna: ill come say goodbye Seth: ok Anna: alright (walks off) (Seth walks off, looking lost) CUT TO: Ryan is at the bike rack getting his bike, Marissa walks over to him Marissa: ...is there anything I can do'ta help, you, Theresa Ryan: yeah sure she just needs a job an a place to live so if you've got any... Marissa: well does she need a friend, cause I could help out there...why don't you invite her ta Caleb's party (shrugs) an we could all hang out Ryan: why the hell would you want that? Marissa: (looks at him) look i'm use'ta getting what I want...which I know is not the most attractive quality but I also know that I cant compete with a girl you've known your whole life (Ryan looks at her) (shrugs) not after everything that's jus come between us Ryan: I don't think she has clothes...a dress...for it (Marissa nods) but thanks (Marissa nods and walks away, Ryan looks back then rides off) CUT TO: Cohen backyard - Kirsten is sitting on the sun lounge drinking, Sandy comes out Kirsten: hey, how was the rest'a your day Sandy: oh I jus wanted'ta get home an see how you were doing Kirsten: (upset) after the Heights I knew that my dad wasn't above board but this is beyond anything that I could've imagined Sandy: we're gonna figure this out an you better believe ill do everything I can ta protect you Kirsten: no! I don't want you to i'm goin'a get outside counsel I do not want you involved (Sandy sits next to her) when I asked for your help I had no idea what I was asking you for Sandy: oh I know that Kirsten: but this is my mistake, not yours an I will not let you compromise yourself...not even for me (Sandy looks at her) i'm gonna call the caterers an make sure that uh there's no cilantro for the man'a the year (Sandy watches her, worried) CUT TO: Seth and Summer sitting on the hood of Summer's ? car making out. they have some type of fast food also Seth: (stops kissing) (sighs) she's lying, I know it Summer: (confused) what?...who? Seth: Anna Summer: you're thinking about Anna right now Seth: I just...ugh I just wish I could convince her not ta leave cause'a me Summer: you think she's leaving just cause of you Seth: it makes sense doesn't it? Summer: well yeah but even if I thought it I wouldn't say It mean its a little self absorbed Cohen Seth: (sad) I jus never wanted'ta hurt her feelings Summer: well maybe she jus didn't like it here, I hear there are a few people who don't, it does rain sometimes in January (Seth half smiles, Summer kisses him then he sort of pulls away from her) Seth: i'm kind of (picks up burger) i'm kinda hungry you wanna eat Summer: (takes burger) (softly) thanks CUT TO: Theresa's room - Ryan taps on the window and she opens the door to let him in Ryan: hi Theresa: hey (closes door) are you still good at foot massages cause I have ben on my feet all day! Ryan: we-we gotta talk Theresa: (starts to take off his jacket) so no foot massage Ryan: uh no listen-listen (lost) I-I don't know what'ta do...about us I (sighs) I can't get you a job an a place to live, I live in a pool house- Theresa: shh shhh, shut up (holds him from behind) shut the hell up, I don't need you ta take care of me, I can take care of myself Ryan: (turns to face her) I know, I know Theresa: I am not one'a these Newport (pushes him on the bed) chicks that needs a trust fund to survive (gets on the bed with him) but the fact that you thought I needed you is...really great, sweet (kisses him) sexy (kisses him again) Ryan: what about Eddie Theresa: I told Eddie that I can't marry him right now Ryan: (closes his eyes) jus cause your ok with it doesn't mean that he is Theresa: i'm not ok with it I just know it's for the best...i'm here ta be with you (kisses him) Ryan: (breathless) are we doin this Theresa: it's not like we haven't before (Ryan gets on top of her and they continue kissing. the camera pans across the room and stops at the window, we see a black car parked outside. the view changes and its now from inside the car looking up at the room where the light is on, view changes again and we see Eddie looking up towards Theresa's room. the light in the window goes out. Eddie closes his eyes, heart broken. he speeds off) CUT TO: Mermaid Inn the next morning - we see Theresa and Ryan asleep next to each other. Ryan opens his eyes, kisses her on the shoulder twice then gets up and starts getting dressed Theresa: (sees & sits up) whats'a matter Ryan: uh it's not like home, I got people that notice if I don't get back Theresa: (nods) I had the day off, I thought if you wanna go ta the beach or go ta the pier tonight Ryan: uh actually I have a thing Theresa: a thing Ryan: yeah Kirsten's dads being honoured by some magazine there havin a cocktail party at the Cohen house (Theresa nods) Ryan: you uh...you wanna come? Theresa: do you want me ta come cause i'm kinda getting the vibe that... Ryan: no, yeah no um (shrugs) its just you know what these things are like, these people Theresa: an it might be kinda weird, the girl who serves food at the party is now a guest at the party Ryan: I w-I wasn't saying that Theresa: i'm jus feeling like your not really tryin'a invite me Ryan: no I do I-I am, I didn't think you'd wanna go I know what these things are like for me Theresa: I don't wanna go...I just wanna make sure you're not embarrassed to bring me ta your things Ryan: i'm not Theresa: good, I have nothing to wear anyway...but come over after an we can both wear nothing (Ryan smiles, leans down and kisses her then leaves) CUT TO: Golf course - Sandy is walking with his clubs, he stops next to a guy that turns out to be DA Sandy: well if you keep lookin up like that all your gonna see is a bad shot, hey Hodes how're things at the DA's office (shakes his hand) Hodes: better since you left the PD's office, my people seem ta win a few more Sandy: well that's why I left, I started feelin bad for ya Hodes: so, why don't I think it's a wild coincidence to see you here? Sandy: well you have trust issues, that's why you've never ben married Hodes: well saves me a phone call, we have a deal ta offer your client Sandy: client? Hodes: Shaughnessy Sandy: ugh, he's not my client Hodes: that's not what he said Sandy: ah he's drunk most'a the time, ya can't take anything he says very seriously Hodes: we're taking what we think he has'ta say very seriously Sandy: just outta curiosity, what kinda deal were you gonna offer him Hodes: curiosity? Sandy: yeah, mild Hodes: (laughs) ok if he were to cooperate, let us know who signs his marching orders...we'd considering pleading him down to a lesser charge Sandy: unless...the plaintiff decides ta drop the charges in which case Shaughnessy would have no reason ta talk Hodes: except the plaintiff has no reason'a do that, right (Sandy swings his club) let me tell you something Sandy, the Newport group is Orange County's Enron, you make this just a little bit difficult for me an I will come down on you as hard as I can Sandy: oh wow, this must be a reelection year Hodes: oh spare me, you an I 've ben friends for years, that's probably why Caleb Nichol hired ya but it use'ta be Sandy Cohen's moral compass wouldn't point him anywhere except the direction of truth, no matter who he took down Sandy: oooh spoken like a man who's never ben married, I jus can't hit it any better then that, good to see ya again (leaves) [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - Ryan is in there and Seth comes in. there is also a bunch of people in there preparing for the party Seth: hey man where ya ben? Ryan: (eating cereal straight from the box) at Theresa's, your parents say anything Seth: no I covered for you, but dude you shouldn't be doin this you're sleepin there now? that's serious Ryan: I jus fell asleep Seth: yeah well I heard about some scary guy that showed up at school, his name wouldn't be Eddie would it? Ryan: yeah he came down ta talk Seth: yeah about how it's gettin serious between you an Theresa Ryan: (sighs) you-you an Anna you have the talk Seth: damnit do not change the subject to me i'm (screws up his face) powerless not ta talk about it, I tried an uh she gave me a list'a reasons why she's leaving Ryan: you didn't make the cut did ya? Seth: but she's lying (Ryan raises his eyebrows) I want her to know that you know i'm sorry that I hurt her feelings but she doesn't-she doesn't have'ta do this she shouldn't be doing this Ryan: then jus tell her Seth: jus tell her huh (Ryan nods) simple honest direct, no wonder I never considered it, ok fine I will ill tell her tonight, might have'ta have a little bubbly first though, a little veritas in vino you know what I mean Ryan: hardly ever (eats more cereal) CUT TO: Theresa's room, there is a knock at the door Theresa: coming (opens door) (suprised) hey, come in (Marissa comes in) Marissa: how're you Theresa: (smiles) good, what's going on? Marissa: well there's this party tonight an- Theresa: (nods) I heard Marissa: yeah well I thought maybe you'd wanna go Theresa: I can't, um I didn't really bring any'a my nice clothes with me Marissa: (smiles) well I have some options (holds up dresses) (they both smile at each other) CUT TO: Caleb's party - there are people everywhere. Kirsten and Caleb are having photos taken together. Seth and Sandy are standing off to the side together Sandy: (phone rings) hello, hello hey Joel thanks for getting back ta me...huh no actually now's a perfect time (Sandy walks passed where Caleb and Kirsten are) Caleb: come on smile for your father Kiki Kirsten: i'm smiling on the inside (Seth walks in front of them and takes some wine) Seth: veritas in vino (nods his head to the caterer) Sandy: (still on the phone) yeah then we have a deal, why spend alotta money when you can make alotta money yep Caleb will be pleased...yes Mr. Mcuin i'm aware, we do what we must ok (hangs up) (Sandy walks past Ryan who is standing by himself. Summer comes and stands next to him) Summer: is Theresa coming Ryan: nope, Marissa? Summer: I doubt it...look I get why you're doing what you're doing but she does really love you Ryan: I know, it's just... Summer: yeah the Oliver thing I know, it was messed up...but hey she dated Luke for years, ya cant always trust her judgment (they both smile) but she has a good heart (Ryan looks over and sees Marissa come in, followed closely by Theresa) Theresa: (to Marissa) not your typical back yard barbeque Marissa: yeah well they never are (they walk over to Summer and Ryan. Summer smiles) Ryan: (blown away) you uh wow Theresa: (nods) I had some help (smiles at Marissa) (Marissa smiles and looks at Ryan) Summer: Coop (grabs Marissa's arm and they walk off) (Ryan and Theresa look at each other, camera pans to Caleb who is getting photos taken by himself. Caleb: (walks over to Seth) c'mon Seth get in the picture, you are the future of the company Seth: oh there's somethin'a look forward to (smiles awkwardly) Caleb: you will grow out of comic books at some stage, an grow into wanting ta be rich Seth: no I wont (smiles awkwardly again) (Anna is at the front door, she walks in and sees Summer) Anna: (smiles) hey Summer: (smiles) hi Anna: I jus came ta say bye, my planes leaving soon Summer: (sad) you're really leaving Anna: yeah Summer: well you might not believe this but...i'm gonna miss you Anna: ooh what's even more unbelievable is that i'm gonna miss you Summer: (laughs) its pretty unbelievable Anna: (laughs) bye Blanch Summer: see ya Rose (they laugh and hug. we are now back outside 2 women are gossiping) w1: have you seen Molly Mulers boob job, there huge w2: (laughs) Lois Robins face lift, wow w1: Diane Kahn totally had chin implants (Ryan and Theresa over hear) Theresa: (frowns) they have chin implants (Anna comes up to them) Anna: oh yeah chins are the nose haven't you heard Ryan: hey Anna, Theresa Anna: (shakes her hand) nice to meet you (bites her lip and watches Seth with Caleb) Ryan: came ta say goodbye ta Seth Anna: yeah...(holding pink envelope) could you give him this (hands it to Ryan) its suppose'ta say everything that I couldn't say but now that i'm here I just...can't say anything at all Ryan: (puts it in his pocket) yeah, yeah of course Anna: see ya Ryan (hugs him) Ryan: thanks for teachin me how'ta waltz Anna: (smiles) you have the best life, you deserve it (Ryan smiles) (to Theresa) bye Theresa: (waves) bye (Anna watches Seth a little longer, with a sad look on her face then leaves. pan to Julie standing by herself, Luke goes over to her) Luke: you look so hot Julie: (smiles) not here Luke behave Luke: I know it's just...your ass (Julie smiles) (we see them from behind, Luke touches Julie as he walks away, Julie turns around and sees that Jimmy is standing a little away from her. he looks at her and she turns away. Caleb is standing over at the grill with a group of men, Sandy walks over) Caleb: (to guys) excuse me guys, thanks Sandy: I saw the DA today, it didn't go what I would call well Caleb: I thought he was a friend of yours, you use'ta make deals all the time Sandy: well it's an election year, it seems your not to popular with the people Caleb: (scoffs) that's the best you could do, I need to go an make my toast Sandy: ill make this go away but your gonna have'ta give something up, Joel Mcuin is gonna need ta be the chief lumber supplier for the next big Newport group contract (Caleb smiles) you wont be buyin wholesale...but it'll work Caleb: I knew I could rely on you (holds his hand out for Sandy to shake) Sandy: not if you were man'a the century Caleb: whats'a matter Sandy, you cut deals for your clients all the time Sandy: yeah well usually there the ones that'a broken the law...not me (Caleb laughs) (Kirsten looks around and sees them together, a woman comes up to Caleb) w: (in the background) Mr. Nichol its time for your speech (Caleb walks off) (Sandy watches not happy, Kirsten watches Sandy. everyone gathers around for Caleb's speech) W: (in the background) ladies an gentleman it is my sincere pleasure (Jimmy stands next to Julie) Jimmy: hey Jules Julie: James Jimmy: you know forgive me, this - cant - possibly be happening right I mean i'm-i'm crazy...to even think it right (Julie looks at him) Julie: think what Jimmy: ok that's what I thought because it would - destroy - Marissa...an I think we both know she's ben through enough Julie: honestly Jimmy I don't know what you're talking about (Jimmy looks at her) (everyone claps, Caleb is up on the podium) Caleb: thankyou, thankyou it really is a tremendous honour, few publications better represent this great county of ours then Riviera magazine (clapping) (we pan to Jimmy and Julie standing together, then Eddie coming through the front door - back outside with Ryan and Theresa) Ryan: i'll be right back i'm gonna give Seth his letter (walks off) Theresa: o-ok ill be here tryin'a spot the chin implants (we see Eddie coming towards the back door) Caleb: (in the background) where as my story has its own cast of characters (Marissa looks over & sees him, she looks worried) one doesn't become Riviera man of the year without some help (Eddie is now outside amongst the crowd, Marissa looks over to him, frowning) where would I be without my wonderful family (points) my beautiful daughter Kirsten, an my favourite- well my only grandson Seth, come join me (Seth makes a 'do I have to' face but gets up reluctantly. Eddie walks over to Theresa) Theresa: what're you doing here? Eddie: (softly) I just wanna talk to you, cant you listen (Ryan sees and rushes in their direction. camera goes back to Caleb who now has Seth and Kirsten by his sides) Eddie: lets go somewhere an figure this out (grabs her arm) Theresa: (pulls away) i'm not going anywhere- (Ryan tries to pull Eddie away from Theresa) Eddie: you stay the hell away from me ok you're lucky I don't kick your ass right here (to Theresa) look can we please just go (grabs her again) Theresa: let go! (Ryan tries to get Eddie away again, Eddie turns around and punches Ryan, Ryan falls into a table of food which crashes to the floor - everyone screams - Seth and Kirsten look worried, Caleb closes his eyes as if he's mortified by it - Jimmy turns around to see what happened - Luke Summer and Marissa are standing together, they all look worried - Ryan gets up off the floor and runs at Eddie knocking him onto a table that was holding drinks, glass smashes and everyone gaps) Caleb: what the hell is going on (Kirsten & Seth lean forward worried) (Ryan and Eddie are standing again, they both knock into a servant, and he ends up on the floor. Ryan and Eddie are on the ground kinda of wrestling each other - Luke goes over to them - Eddie stands Ryan up and punches him which sends him flying into the pool - Luke comes up behind Eddie and grabs him, Jimmy and Sandy are also standing there) Sandy: why don't you leave right now before the cops get here alright? Eddie: (yells to Ryan) your dead! (Ryan is in the pool) Sandy: right now! Eddie: (still yelling) don't ever come home, your dead you hear me, get offa me man (Luke lets him go) (Sandy goes to the edge of the pool, Ryan is still in the pool just floating there - Theresa looks upset - Ryan still in the pool) CUT TO: Cohen living room - Ryan has an ice bag on his eye and he's sitting in a chair, Kirsten and Theresa are sitting on the couch near by and Sandy is sitting on the end of the coffee table Sandy: oh that's gonna be quite a shiner, but hey (taps Ryan's leg) they look good on ya Ryan: yeah? thanks Theresa: (upset) i'm so sorry, about everything Kirsten: oh its ok sweetie, it's not your fault Sandy: hey I heard there was a rumble in the bedroom, i'm gonna go (stands) break it up (he and Kirsten leave) (Ryan and Theresa look at each other, Seth and Summer come in) Seth: you ok? Ryan: (sighs) eh (Seth and Summer are both sitting where Sandy was Seth: (sighs) I cant believe Anna didn't show Ryan: eh actually um (takes the now soggy envelope out & hands it to Seth) Seth: your jus giving me this now Ryan: I was a little distracted Seth: (looking at it) (panics) the inks all smudged, I can't even read it (walks to the kitchen, Summer follows) is that a V or a Q? (to Summer) here, here look right there, first that says 'I love you' but then what is that word right there 'Azerbaijan' Aztecs'? Summer: asprin Seth: you think it says asprin Summer: no, you're giving me a headache Seth: ok coincidence, confucius, what is this C word Summer: confusing? Seth: you think it says confusing Summer: (frustrated) no you're confusing me, what'do you care what it says Seth: Summer Anna couldn't even say goodbye ta me alright an I think she's leaving because'a me, I don't want it ta happen Summer: what is going on, last week your standing on a coffee cart declaring your eternal love for me, now your all like 'Anna's letter, I cant read it' Seth: Summer, this isn't like that ok, she's jus my friend an I don't want her ta leave Summer: then go...stop her (Seth kisses her on the forehead and leaves the room. Ryan and Theresa are talking in the living room) Ryan: so what're you gonna do? Theresa: I need ta call Eddie...try an straighten everything out Ryan: its gonna be ok (Seth rushes in) Seth: hey man uh i'm sorry ta interrupt I need you to drive me to the airport, I gotta stop Anna from leaving Ryan: what you can't drive yourself Seth: dude i've had like 3 glasses of champagne ok, you know how it goes straight ta my head, please Theresa: you should go, he needs you Seth: thankyou very much (rushes off) (Ryan and Theresa stand) Ryan: you're uh you're gonna be at the motel when I get back Theresa: (nods) I don't want you to be late (Ryan leaves, Theresa watches with a sad look on her face. Back outside, Julie is standing by herself and Caleb walks over) Caleb: hey Juju (kisses her on the cheek) I was wondering if you were gonna ignore me all night Julie: you seemed busy...congratulations Caleb: thanks for coming, can I drive you home Julie: I can walk down the driveway Caleb: can I call you...take you out on a real date, things have gotten a bit crazy an I know I didn't appreciate you, I want to. I wanna make you feel appreciated Julie: plan the perfect date...run it by me...we'll see (Caleb smiles, Julie smiles and walks off, Caleb watches her go) CUT TO: Ryan and Seth in the car driving to the airport, Seth is panicking Seth: come on man, her flight leaves soon Ryan: i'm doin 75 in a 65 alright Seth: (girly voice) i'm doin 75 in a 60- (normal) everyone knows 80's the new 75 Ryan: what? who talks like that! Seth: what is up with this a.c, my jewfro's frizzin out I look like Screech Ryan: the a.c's fine Seth: what is this music? Ryan: (had enough) do - not insult Journey, alright {side note, its interesting to see that Seth is on the giving end of what Summer did to him way back in 107:The Escape, the 2 scenes are almost identical except Ryan was nice enough not to kick Seth out of the car,lol} CUT TO: Jimmy's house - Marissa answers the door and it's Theresa Marissa: hey...how are you Theresa: just embarrassed, I can't believe it this huge fight at a fancy party Marissa: actually not the first time that's happened Theresa: hm here (hands her the dress) um i'm not gonna have time ta get it dry cleaned before I go Marissa: (shocked) before you go? Theresa: i've ben fooling myself thinking this was gonna be easy...I made a huge mess of everything and (shrugs) I have this whole life ta figure out an so so does Ryan so...take care of him, ill see you (leaves) (Marissa is speechless) CUT TO: Cohen bedroom - Sandy is in there getting ready for bed and Kirsten comes in Kirsten: I talked ta my dad, he told me what you did Sandy: (nods) obstructed justice...tampered with a witness Kirsten: so what happens now? Sandy: my guess is not much, since it's an election year the DA can't afford ta lose an without their start witness they don't really have a case, if your gonna go after the king, Caleb...then you had better know that you can kill the king Kirsten: I told you that I didn't want you ta get involved Sandy: I will always do what's before for my family Kirsten: i'd rather go ta jail than be responsible for you being mixed up in this, getting inta bed with my father Sandy: I promise ya, i'd rather send you ta jail than get inta bed with your father (Kirsten smiles and sits next to him) Kirsten: you do something like this, there's no going back Sandy: yeah, its kinda like prom night...believe me, if anybody's gonna be puttin you in handcuffs...it's gonna be me (smiles) (Kirsten laughs and puts her head on his shoulder, Sandy puts his arm around her) CUT TO: Ryan pulling up outside the airport. Seth jumps out and runs for the door, he grabs a pamphlet from a monk guy and throws it on the ground inside. he stops just inside the door and looks around urgently. he runs towards the security bit Seth: (yells) Anna! (Anna looks over and sees him) Seth: Anna wait! Anna: (smiles) Seth? (to the security guy) hold on (runs over to him) Seth what're you doing here Seth: (breathless) ok maybe...its jus the champagne talking but i'm jus gonna say it ok. please do not leave because'a me Anna: (confused) what, what are you- Seth: (pulls out the letter) look you love me, I read it an I get it ok an i'm so sorry if I did anything ta hurt your feelings or cause this but I don't want ya ta leave ok none of us do Anna: Seth! I love you...as a friend Seth: (swallows) what? Anna: god I love you as a friend Seth: it doesn't say 'Azerbaijan' (Anna shakes her head) Anna: (teary) look I think your an amazing guy, a little self absorbed maybe (smiles) ...but great, but I mean if there's one thing that our relationship taught me it's that...we don't have alotta chemistry Seth: so you're not leaving because'a me Anna: i'm leaving cause I need ta leave (Seth nods) but who knows, maybe one day we'll be perfect for each other (shakes her head) I don't know (Seth looks at her, sad) I do know I have to go'ta Pittsburgh...i'm lonely Seth, I thought I could make this my home but I cant...thanks for coming... (touches his chin) an saying goodbye (Seth nods, Anna hugs him, they both close their eyes and hold each other tightly. they stop hugging and look at each other, Anna lets go of his hand and begins to walk back to the security bit) Seth: (teary) Anna wait a second (walking to the glass) what am I gonna do without you huh who am I gonna play Jenga with. your so wise in all your sage wisdom, what am I gonna do without that (shakes his head) Anna: (crying) confidence, Cohen (Anna begins to walk away, she looks back at him then continues walking. Seth stands at the glass crying) Seth: (bangs) Anna! (Anna turns back and smiles, Seth looks at her, Anna smiles again still teary and walks towards the boarding bit. Seth puts his nose on the glass and shuts his eyes {he looks so lost here, poor guy} Anna continues walking and she disappears in the crowd. Seth watches her go, he is devastated) CUT TO: Mermaid Inn - Ryan and Seth pull up in the car Ryan: ill be right back (gets out) (Seth is sitting in the car, still sad. Ryan looks through the window of Theresa's room and a woman is in there vacuuming, all of Theresa's stuff is gone. Ryan walks away - Ryan and Seth are now sitting on a bench somewhere eating pizza) Seth: what if the girl i'm spose'ta be with jus went back ta Pittsburgh Ryan: what if she went back ta Chino Seth: (playing) why would Anna go ta Chino (Ryan looks at him) i'm kidding come on Ryan: nice one...well, at least we have each other Seth: actually I have Summer now...but uh ill put a little Seth-Ryan time on the books, that's quality time Ryan: thanks buddy, I could always hang out with Luke, what'do you think he's doin right now? Seth: um discovering fire? hunting an gathering? shaving his chest with a buck knife, you guys could do that together Ryan: I do do that (fade out)	Plan: A: Anna; Q: Who is leaving? A: Seth; Q: Who thinks he's the reason for Anna's planned return to Pittsburgh? A: Ryan; Q: Who knows he's the reason Theresa is staying? A: Riviera; Q: What is the name of the show that Caleb is the Man of the Year for? Summary: Anna is leaving. Theresa is staying. Seth thinks he's the reason for Anna's planned return to Pittsburgh. And Ryan knows he's why Theresa is staying. But what is either guy going to do about it? Caleb is Riviera 's Man of the Year (uh-oh).
Scene: The apartment. Howard: All right, Raj has played his phantom warlord card, and I am going to back him up with my strangling vines. Choke on that, sucka. Leonard: Okay, well, then I'll just cut your vines with my ruby sword. That's right, I did it. I cut 'em. Penny: Um, I have a question. Leonard: Warlord beats troll, troll beats elf, elf beats water sprite, and basically everything beats enchanted bunny. Howard: Unless you have the carrot power. Penny: Okay, I've got another question. When does this get fun? Howard: Are we going to talk or are we going to play Mystic Warlords of Ka-ah? Leonard: Just play a potion card. Penny: Which one? Sheldon: It doesn't matter. You can't possibly win. Leonard: Sheldon, don't ruin the game. Penny: How could he ruin the game? Sheldon: Given the cards that have already been played, Penny can only be holding necromancer potions, which are only effective against wraiths and day-walkers, and there are no more of either left to be drawn. The cards remaining in the undrawn stack are four fire weapons, a troll, two ogres and the jewel of Osiris. Leonard: See? Ruined. Penny: Sheldon, that is incredible. Sheldon: From your vantage point, it certainly must seem so. Leonard: Sheldon has kind of a photographic memory. Sheldon: Photographic is a misnomer. I have an eidetic memory, as I've told you many times. Most recently last year during lunch on the afternoon of may seventh. You had turkey and complained it was dry. Howard: Well, I guess game's over. Penny: Really? Oh, great. I mean, aw. Okay, I gotta go. Leonard: Why? Penny: Because the last me I didn't go, I ended up playing Mystic Warlords of Ka. Howard: Not Ka. Ka-ah. Penny: Ba-eye. Leonard: See ya. Still can't believe she's going out with me. Raj: Nobody can. Howard: That reminds me, I have a bone to pick with you. Leonard: What? Howard: You and I made a pact that if either of us ever got a hot girlfriend, that person would have his girlfriend hook the other guy up with one of her girlfriends. Leonard: Yeah, I don't remember that. Sheldon: June 30th, 2004. Opening day of Spider-man 2 at the AMC Pasadena. They only had red icees, no blue. Leonard: Oh, yeah. Howard: So you've been with Penny for like a month and a half now. Where's my shorty, Morty? Leonard: Howard, you can't hold me to that. Howard: Why not? Leonard: Because when I made that agreement, I didn't think I'd ever have a hot girlfriend. And I was positive you never would. Raj: Hey, how come I wasn't part of this deal? Sheldon: You had left the refreshment stand in order to indulge in your customary preemptive pre-show urination. Raj: Oh, so that's how it works? I have a teeny bladder and now I don't get a hot girlfriend? Howard: Yeah, Raj, that's how it works. Raj: Damn. Credits sequence. Scene: The university cafeteria. Leonard: Oh, damn it. Can I have a napkin? Sheldon: I'm sorry, no. Leonard: But you have a whole bunch of 'em. Sheldon: Yes, I've moved to a four-napkin system. Lap, hands, face and personal emergencies. If you like, starting tomorrow, I'll add a guest napkin, but I'm afraid there's nothing I can do for you today. (Leonard steals a napkin) Good luck. That's the face napkin. Howard: So, have you talked to Penny yet? Leonard: No, I haven't. Howard: Why not? Leonard: Because I've been busy, because I haven't figured out a way to bring it up, and mostly, and I can't stress how key this is, because I don't want to. Howard: Leonard, a pact is a pact. You have to get Penny to fix me up. Leonard: It's not that simple. What am I supposed to say? Penny, do you have any friends you'd like to never hear from again? Howard: Come on, I'm smart, I have good job and I have only three percent body fat. Raj: It's true. I've seen him at the beach, he's like a human chicken wing. Howard: Leonard, come on. Leonard: Fine. I'll ask if she has a friend for you. Howard: A hot friend. Leonard: Right. Howard: And tall. I want our kids to be able to ride space mountain before they're 20. Leonard: I'll see what I can do. Raj: Hey, Sheldon, guess what I heard today? Sheldon: I'd imagine you heard any number of things today. When you arrived at work you undoubtedly heard, hello, Raj, how are you, Raj? Given that you're wearing a new sweater-vest, you may have heard new sweater-vest? And possibly, though far less likely, nice sweater-vest. Raj: Why don't I just tell you what I heard today. Sheldon: That would probably save us some time. Raj: Saturday night at the comic book store, they're having a Mystic Warlords of Ka-ah tournament. First prize is five hundred dollars. If we team up, we'd be unstoppable. Sheldon: I'm sorry, Raj, but I have no interest in playing a game in which I find no challenge. Raj: What about the money? Sheldon: I have money. Raj: But this is other money. Sheldon: How does it different from the money I have? Raj: Half of it will be mine. Sheldon: Do you need it to buy a less disturbing sweater-vest? Raj: Leonard, help. Leonard: Are you kidding? I couldn't even talk him into giving me one of his freakin' napkins. Scene: Leonard and Penny are in bed. Penny: Wow, you really are a genius. Leonard: Not really. I googled how to do that. So, listen, have you ever made a pact with someone? Penny: You mean, like a pinky swear? Leonard: Okay, fine, like a pinky swear. Penny: Well, in the first grade, my friend Rosie and I made a pact to marry Bert and Ernie. You know, from Sesame Street? Leonard: Yeah, I'm familiar with Bert and Ernie. Penny: Then we found out we both wanted Ernie. We didn't speak again until middle school. Leonard: Over puppets? Penny: The heart wants what the heart wants, Leonard. Leonard: Okay. Speaking of what the heart wants, um, a long time ago, I made a pact with Wolowitz that kind of involves you. Penny: Okay, I don't know where you're going with this, but tread carefully because it may be the last conversation we ever have. Leonard: No, no, nothing like that. The deal was that if either of us ever got a girlfriend, we'd have her fix the other one up with one of her friends. Penny: And you thought a good time to bring this up be right after sx. Leonard: Well, I sure as hell wasn't going to bring it up before sx, and during, I was trying to remember what I read on google, so... Penny: I'm not hooking Wolowitz up with one of my friends. Leonard: Come on, it doesn't have to be a good friend. And you know that deep down inside, Howard's a really nice guy. Penny: The problem isn't what's on the inside. It's the creepy candy coating. Leonard: Will you at least think about it? Just as a favour to me? Penny: Oh, great thing about Ernie, was he never asked me for anything. He just gave. Scene: The comic book store. Sheldon: Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Betty and Veronica? Ugh. Stuart: Hey, Sheldon, the new Green Lantern figurine's coming in tomorrow. Want me to set one aside for you? Sheldon: Thank you. You just robbed me of the opportunity to stumble upon the figurine and make the oh-so-satisfying journey from discovery to desire to possession. Stuart: All right, I won't set one aside for you. Sheldon: But I must have it. Stuart: Okay, I'll set one aside for you. Sheldon: Thank you. You know, I can buy all these things online. I come here for the personal service. Raj: Hey, Stuart, is the Wil Wheaton signed up for the mystic warlords tournament THE Wil Wheaton from Star Trek? Stuart: Yeah, he lives around here. Big gamer. Sheldon: Excuse me. Are you saying that Wil Wheaton aka Ensign Wesley Crusher on Star Trek: The Next Generation is going to be participating in your tournament? Stuart: Oh, I'm sorry, did I rob you of the opportunity to stumble onto that for yourself? Sheldon: You don't understand. Growing up, I idolized Wil Wheaton? Wesley Crusher had an eidetic memory just like me. Raj: Oh, what a coincidence. Maybe you can discuss that with him while you're playing in the tournament. Sign here. Sheldon: I was such a fan that in 1995, I travelled ten hours by bus to a sci-fi convention in Jackson, Mississippi, wearing my Star Fleet Academy cadet uniform in order to meet Wil Wheaton and get him to autograph my mint in-package Wesley Crusher action figure. Raj: Ooh, it'll be like a reunion then. Sign here. Sheldon: My arduous journey, however, was for naught. Although advertised to appear, he did not show up. It was at that moment, I vowed eternal hatred for Wil Wheaton. Raj: Okay, great, you can tell him you hate him. Sign here. Sheldon: It might also interest you to know that Wil Wheaton currently ranks sixth on my all-time enemies list, right between director Joel Schumacher, who nearly destroyed the Batman movie franchise, and Billy Sparks, who lived down the street from me and put dog poop on the handles of my bicycle. Raj: Okay, I get it, he's a bad guy. Sign here. Sheldon: In the words of Khan Noonien Singh in the immortal wrath of Khan, he tasks me, he tasks me and I shall have him. Raj: No doubt, sign here. Sheldon: From hell's heart, I stab at thee. Stuart: All right, Raj, looks like you're teamed up with die, Wil Wheaton, die. Scene: Leonard's car. Howard: So, tell me more about the future mother of my children. Penny: She's adorable, Howard. I think you'll like her. Howard: Great. So what did you tell her about me? Did you mention the body fat? Penny: No, I thought that would be a nice surprise for her. Howard: Good, good. Penny: I just told her you're an aerospace engineer, you speak five languages... Howard: Six if you count Klingon. Leonard: Girls don't count Klingon, Howard. Right? Penny: Right. Oh, and I told her you have an unhealthy attachment to your mother. Howard: What? Penny: I'm kidding. Leonard: Another delightful surprise for her. Scene: The comic book store. Raj: Sheldon, it's your play. Sheldon. Sheldon: My enchanted troll bludgeons your screaming harpy with a cursed mace. Game. Raj: Sorry, boys. Say hi to your mother when she picks you up. Or I could just tell her later tonight! We pwned them, dude! Up top! Sheldon: Look at him. Wil Wheaton, my old friend, I have chased you round the moons of Nibia and round the Antares maelstrom and round perdition's flames! Raj: You know you keep quoting Wrath of Khan, but he was in next generation. It's a totally different set of characters. Sheldon: Silence! How much longer must I wait for my revenge? Raj: Well, if Wil Wheaton and Stuart win their match and we beat lonely Larry and Captain Sweatpants in the next round, we'll face off for the championship. Sheldon: So, my path to satisfaction is blocked by lonely Larry and Captain Sweatpants. Very well. They must be destroyed. Raj: Dude, you have to stop talking like that. It's really lame. Sheldon: Silence! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: Leonard's car. Howard: So, Penny tells me you're working as a waitress to put yourself through grad school. That's pretty great, what are you studying? Bernadette: Microbiology. Howard: Oh, cool. So you could study me. Bernadette: I don't understand. Howard: Microbiology is the study of tiny living things. Bernadette: I know, I'm studying it. Howard: And I said you could study me 'cause I'm a tiny living thing. It's a joke. Bernadette: Are you sure? Howard: Do you like science-fiction? Bernadette: No. Howard: Role-playing games? Bernadette: Like in the bedroom or like Dungeons and Dragons? Howard: Either. Bernadette: No. Leonard: Gonna be a long night. Penny: Yeah, well, it's your fault. Leonard: I had to ask. You didn't have to say yes. Howard: You like magic? Bernadette: Not really. Howard: Okay. Leonard: Long, long night. Scene: The comic book store. Sheldon: I play my endless serpent. Raj will play ecstatic frenzy, which means Larry will have to play chaos overlord, then Captain Sweatpants, molten river. I play nightshade dryad, game, set and match. Now fetch me Wil Wheaton! bortaS bIr jablu'DI' reH QaQqu' nay' Wil Wheaton: Did that guy just say revenge is a dish best served cold in Klingon? Stuart: I believe so. Wil Wheaton: What is wrong with him? Stuart: Everyone has a different theory. Scene: A restaurant. Howard: How about computers? Do you like computers? Bernadette: I use them. I don't like them. Howard: Okay... Puppies? Where do you stand on puppies? Bernadette: A puppy once bit my face. Howard: Of course it did. Leonard: How about that? Einstein was wrong. Penny: What? Leonard: Approaching the speed of light doesn't slow down time. Approaching them does. Howard (phone rings): Excuse me. Oh, damn. It's my mother. Bernadette: Are you going to answer it? Howard: I'm torn. She might be dying, and, you know, I wouldn't want to miss that. On the other hand, if I let it go to voicemail, I could play it over and over. Bernadette: I know how you feel. My mother makes me crazy. Howard: Not as crazy as my mother makes me. Bernadette: Oh, yeah? Does your mother call you every day at work to see if you've had a healthy lunch? Howard: My mother calls me at work to see if I had a healthy bowel movement. Bernadette: Okay, well, does she lay out your clothes for you in the morning like you're nine years old? Howard: You live with your mother? Bernadette: No. That's the sad part. Howard: Ooh, rough. Okay, check this out. My mother made me wear rubber gloves to kindergarten so I wouldn't pick up a disease from the other children. Bernadette: That's nothing. I couldn't ride a bicycle 'cause my mother was afraid I'd hit a bump and lose my virginity. Howard: Oh, wow. You didn't, did you? Bernadette: Not on a bicycle. In a Camry. Howard: Corolla! Bernadette: Oh! Howard: More wine? Bernadette: I'd love some. Howard: Listen, you have to come to shabbat dinner at my house sometime. Bernadette: Why? Howard: A catholic girl like you wearing a big cross like that might just give my mother the big brain aneurysm I've been hoping for. Bernadette: Okay, but only if you come to Sunday dinner at my house wearing a yarmulke. Howard: It's a date. Penny: Am I a matchmaker or what? Scene: The comic book store. Raj: Lava serpent. Stuart: Nest of snakes. Wil Wheaton: Underworld guardian. Sheldon: Underworld guardian. We skirmish to the death. Wil Wheaton: Invisibility spell. Sheldon: Luminescence spell. Wil Wheaton: Water nymph. Sheldon: Fire demon. Wil Wheaton: Two-headed tiger. Sheldon: Three-headed lion. Wil Wheaton: Sulphur. Sheldon: Brimstone. Raj: Problem, Wil Wheaton? Wil Wheaton: Hang on. Sheldon: You're holding two moderate spell cards, a small rock and a potion of Zancor, which will be about as much help as an air conditioner on the ice planet Hoth. Your only move is to play the potion, lose the skirmish, and two moves later, the game. Wil Wheaton: I think he's got me. Sheldon: The year was 1995, the place, Jackson, Mississippi. Having spent ten hours on a bus, during which I had to twice violate my personal rule against relieving myself on board a moving vehicle, I finally arrived at the fourth annual Dixie-Trek convention only to find that my idol Wil Wheaton decided he had better things to do than to show up and sign my action figure. Wil Wheaton: What? Sheldon: You betrayed me, Wil Wheaton. Now I have my revenge. Wil Wheaton: You went to the '95 Dixie-Trek? Oh, dude, my grandmother had just died, and I had to go to her funeral. Sheldon: Your mee-maw died? That's terrible. Wil Wheaton: Yeah, it was. But I'm really sorry that I disappointed you. Sheldon: No, no, I understand. Anything happened to my mee-maw, I'd be one inconsolable moon pie. I should clarify that statement by explaining that she calls me moon pie. Wil Wheaton: It's special relationship, isn't it, between a boy and his grandmother? Sheldon: Oh, yes. Raj: Okay, great, everybody loves their grandmas! Now, come on, Sheldon, finish him off! Wil Wheaton: It's okay, Sheldon. I let you down. I deserve it. Potion of Zancor. Raj: What are you waiting for? Kill Wil Wheaton! From hell's heart, stab at him! Sheldon: I can't. Raj: Sure you can. Do it! Do it! Sheldon: No. I came here to defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who destroyed my dreams. But I can't defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who loved his mee-maw. Enchanted bunny. Raj: No! Not enchanted bunny! Wil Wheaton: I call my mee-maw nana. And she's going be very happy to hear that my small rock kills your enchanted bunny. Game over, moon pie. Sheldon: I... I... I don't understand. Your grandmother's alive? Wil Wheaton: Oh, you catch on quick. Come on, Stewie, let's get our prize money. Stuart: That was fun. Sheldon (while camera zooms out from Sheldon to above planet in a pastiche of the famous Wrath of Khan scene): Wheaton! Wheaton! Wheaton!	Plan: A: Howard; Q: Who reminds Leonard of their girlfriend pact? A: two; Q: How many men did Leonard and Howard have a girlfriend pact with? A: Penny; Q: Who sets Howard up with Bernadette? A: Bernadette; Q: Who does Penny set Howard up with? A: Sheldon; Q: Who enters a collectible card game tournament? A: a collectible card game tournament; Q: What does Sheldon enter to compete against Wil Wheaton? A: his partner; Q: What role does Raj play in Sheldon's card game tournament? A: Wil Wheaton; Q: Who is Sheldon's rival in the card game tournament? A: future regular cast member Melissa Rauch; Q: Who played Bernadette Rostenkowski? A: the first cameo appearance; Q: What is Wil Wheaton's role in this episode? Summary: Howard reminds Leonard of their girlfriend pact: one of the two men (Leonard) who has a girlfriend (Penny) must have her set the other man (Howard) up on a date with her friend. After prodding by Leonard, a reluctant Penny sets Howard with her friend Bernadette, though they find they have little in common. However, the two bond over their respective relationships with their mothers. Sheldon enters a collectible card game tournament, with Raj as his partner, to compete against his rival Wil Wheaton, who inadvertently humiliated Sheldon when he was a child. Note: This episode marks the first appearance of future regular cast member Melissa Rauch as Bernadette Rostenkowski and also marks the first cameo appearance of Wil Wheaton on the show.
LUCAS: (v.o) Previously on One Tree Hill. [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - EVENING] (Dan walks into the house and sees Keith and Deb under a blanket on the living room floor. Deb sees Dan, Keith sits up.) DEB: (v.o) No one else needs- [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. SCOTT RESIDENCE - THE KITCHEN - DAY] (Deb and Keith are in the kitchen alone.) DEB: to know. KEITH: (Knowingly) You mean Karen. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - SUPPLY CLOSET - DAY] (Brooke shoves Felix up against some shelves.) FELIX: You know, I was thinking about this whole- [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. FELIX' HOUSE - FRONT - DAY] (Felix and Brooke are at the front of the drive. Brooke is sneering at him.) FELIX: 'Friends with Benefits'. Felix with Brooke... [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - SUPPLY CLOSET - DAY] (Brooke kisses Felix.) FELIX: (v.o) FWB. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TRIC - DAY] PEYTON: How many other songs have you written? HALEY: (Clicking a button on the laptop and sitting back.) (Embarrassed)I dunno, a few. PEYTON: Alright, well you're gonna open. HALEY: No, I'm not(!) I get...major stage fright. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE RESTAURANT - PHOTO BOOTH - EVENING] (Anna and Felix are in the photo booth.) ANNA: You're gonna have to get out for this one. (Lucas groans. Shot of the photo coming out of the slot.) LUCAS: You gonna tell me what it was? (Anna rips the photos in two, giving him the top half and keeping the bottom.) ANNA: Maybe(!) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TRIC - DAY] (Haley and Peyton walk up to Chris who is sitting on the stage with his guitar.) HALEY: You're great. CHRIS: Yeah, I know. (To Peyton.) When do I play? PEYTON: (Interrupting Haley.) You're OK, but...we had a lot of really good people show up today, so...we'll call you. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MARKET STREET DOCK - DAY] ANDY: (Putting coffee in front of Karen.) Hey, look, I know it's kinda short notice so, uh...bring Lucas along if you can't find a sitter. Love to meet the little guy. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAN SCOTT MOTORS - SHOWROOM - EVENING] (Keith walks up to Jules while she inspects a car.) KEITH: (v.o) My brother owns the dealership. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CAR - EVENING] KEITH: (To Jules.) I'm just helping out. I'm actually a mechanic. JULES: I like mechanics. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CAR - EVENING] (Keith and Jules sit inside a car outside 'Dan Scott Motors', propped up on a car display stand so that they can watch the meteor shower. Jules leans over and kisses Keith.) RICK: (v.o) I got a good sense about people. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. BACKSTAGE - DAY] RICK: (Sections drugs out onto a glass.) You're young, but you...might be worth the risk. (Rick the band manager holds out a rolled up dollar bill to Peyton. Peyton looks torn.) RICK: Here's your shot kid. FADE TO BLACK: OPENING CREDITS ROLL: [INT. TRIC - DAY] (Shot of a horseshoe nailed to a post inside the club. Lucas is looking at it.) LUCAS: (v.o) Oliver Wendell Holmes once said; (Lucas looks around at the dark club lit with neon lights.) Many people die with their music still in them. Too often it is because they are always getting ready to live...Before they know it...time runs out. (He smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAVIS RESIDENCE - BROOKE'S BEDROOM - DAY] (Brooke walks out of her bathroom and into her bedroom. She's looking at her nails, glances at her bed and laughs sarcastically. Felix is in her bed, covers over his bottom half.) BROOKE: You're still here. I thought we had an understanding; once the hooking-up is over, you go home. (Puts earrings on.) FELIX: Damn. You can make a guy feel used. BROOKE: (Sarcastically) Oh I'm sorry. Well you could just cancel our little arrangement and save your pride. FELIX: (Smiling) Nah. Being used is fine. BROOKE: Yeah, that's what I thought. So why don't you get your used butt up outta my bed, 'Pool Boy'(!) (Throws his top at him.) I have a big day ahead of me and you're in my way. (Gives him a dirty look and re-enters her bathroom.) (Shot of Felix smiling slightly.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. RECORD STORE - DAY] (Peyton walks into the record store. Chris is on a step ladder, pining things to the wall.) PEYTON: (Reserved) Hi. CHRIS: (Looks at her then continues his pinning.) I-I-I think you got the wrong store. 'Forever 21's just down the street there. (Peyton rolls her eyes and looks at the wall.) CHRIS: (Examining what he just put up.) That's Jeff Buckley. You heard of him? PEYTON: Who hasn't heard of Jeff Buckley? CHRIS: That man's the reason I became a musician. You know why? (Peyton waits.) Because he never sold out. PEYTON: Why stop there? Didn't he also drown in a river? CHRIS: (Giving her his full attention.) Listen, if you want me to play your show, you're gonna have to ask nicely. PEYTON: (Pause) I don't need this. (Turns away.) CHRIS: Sure you do. Why else would you be here at eight a.m. on a school day? PEYTON: (Turns back against her better judgment.) ...OK, here's the deal; the turn-out for auditions was kind low so...if you want- CHRIS: (Gets off the ladder and interrupts her.) Read my Writer. (Gives her a piece of paper.) PEYTON: What is this? CHRIS: It's like...a list of artist's demands. PEYTON: (Takes the paper.) I know what a Writer is. (Unfolds the paper and reads.) Camomile tea...one small vegetarian pizza...Oh! One box Magnum, extra large sized condoms. (Insulted) Are you kidding! CHRIS: The regular ones cut off the circulation. We got a deal here or what? PEYTON: (Unable to think of a decent comeback.) You go on at nine. (Turns and walks to the door.) CHRIS: (Grinning) Have fun at school. (Peyton looks at him once then continues walking. The door shuts behind her.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - DAY] (Shot of a poster with a girl looking ill. The caption underneath reads 'Give Generously'. Brooke stands there holding a plastic jar with the same picture on it.) BROOKE: Come on, pony up people! There's kids in this world a lot more miserable than you! (A girl puts money in the jar.) (Smiling) Thank you. God bless. PEYTON: (Walking with Haley, showing her the Writer.) Look at this; one over-ripe cantaloupe, two number three pencils, what kinda Writer is this?(!) (We can see Brooke's shoulder and somebody else putting money into the jar. Peyton looks at Brooke in confusion.) BROOKE: (To the guy.) God bless you. (Addressing Peyton while shaking the jar.) Change for the needy? HALEY: Brooke, I had no idea you were so...charitable. What's the cause? BROOKE: (Blagging) Just...needy people. (Someone puts money into the jar.) (To the person.) God bless you. PEYTON: Brooke. (Amused) I recognise the photo. It's from an add for cramp medicine. (Haley looks at Brooke accusingly.) BROOKE: Wow(!) Homeless and PMSing...poor girl. HALEY and PEYTON: Brooke(!) BROOKE: Alright. The money's for me. I'm the needy one as in I need some things for your club opening. (Peyton and Haley exchanges significant looks.) HALEY: Do you realise how wrong that is?(!) BROOKE: (Awkwardly) Sort of, but...you know, what am I supposed to do for money? PEYTON: Try getting a job. BROOKE: (Laughing) Right, doing what? HALEY: Anything, a number of things. What are your skills? BROOKE: ...I dunno. I'm good with guys. Dates, dating. HALEY: Yeah, and? BROOKE: s*x but... PEYTON: (Seriously) That would make you a hooker. (Brooke makes a noise and shrugs. Somebody else gives her money. She takes it with a smile.) BROOKE: (To the person.) Thank you. (Peyton shakes her head, smiles and slaps Brookes shoulder as she walks past. Haley does the same.) HALEY: I'll take you shopping on a budget. (Brooke slips the money into her bra and shakes the jar some more, smiling.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT - DAY] (Mouth walks up to Felix who is a few paces ahead.) MOUTH: Hey Felix. FELIX: (Turning his head slightly.) Mighty Mouth(!) (Mouth falls into step with him.) MOUTH: You going to the club opening tomorrow? FELIX: That's the plan. MOUTH: You taking Brooke? FELIX: Nah, I like to alternate my cheerleaders. This week - Theresa. MOUTH: But I thought you and Brooke were together. FELIX: It doesn't really work like that. MOUTH: So...she's not gonna be there with anybody? FELIX: (Shrugging) Not that I know of. (Hits Mouth lightly on the chest before leaving.) (Mouth stops and smiles to himself.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - LOCKERS - DAY] (Lucas is putting things inside his locker when Anna shows up.) ANNA: Hey you. LUCAS: (Surprised) Hey you(!) (Leans against the lockers as her talks to her.) You know, I had a great time the other night. ANNA: (Sincerely) Me too. (Pause) Listen, can we talk? LUCAS: (Breathes deeply.) That doesn't sound good. ANNA: It's not like that. It's just...I love spending time with you. You know that...but...being dropped in a new place is hard enough without jumping into a new relationship too. LUCAS: (Shuts his locker and walks, Anna following.) You must really hate me. ANNA: (Grinning.) Stop it(!) I'm just saying, let's not rush things. Let's hang out, see where it goes. LUCAS: (Sighing) did Felix say something? ANNA: (Shaking her head.) No, it's not that. Promise. (Looks down the corridor she's supposed to go down.) LUCAS: OK, friends. (Anna walks down the corridor alone.) ANNA: (Turns) With potential. (She smiles and walks away.) (Nathan and Haley walk down the corridor towards Lucas.) HALEY: Hi(!) LUCAS: Ready for your big debut rock star? HALEY: (Anxiously) Pleas don't remind me. NATHAN: She's ready. (To Haley) You know, didn't you once tell me that there was such a thing as over preparation? HALEY: Yeah, for a math midterm. This is like...avoiding public humiliation. LUCAS: (Consolingly) Hales, you're gonna do great. (Haley isn't convinced.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - BENCHES - DAY] (Students are sitting around on the benches. Anna walks around alone. She has no friends and no one to sit with. She sits alone on an empty bench and puts her tray of food on her lap. Peyton is walking around, handing out flyers.) PEYTON: (Giving a flyer to a passing student.) Hey. (She sees Anna and walks up to her.) PEYTON: (To Anna.) Hey. (Holds out a flyer which Anna takes.) Saturday night, three bands. Bring your friends. (Turns to continue handing out flyers.) ANNA: (Reads the flyer.) Adrian Tomine fan? PEYTON: (Turns back to Anna, impressed.) You know his stuff? ANNA: Yeah(!) Oh, I love Optic Nerve. PEYTON: Really?! (Anna nods.) Wow, a fellow comic book geek. (Sits on the top of the bench.) ANNA: Well, closeted. (Peyton laughs.) I'm Anna. PEYTON: (Shakes her hand.) I'm Peyton. You're Felix's sister right? ANNA: ...On the days that I claim him, yeah. PEYTON: Oh. (They laugh.) So how's uh...Tree Hill treating you? ANNA: OK. (They nod.) But I-I think someone for not giving me the secret password. PEYTON: Yeah, people in this town tend to stick to their own crowd. (Shrugs a shoulder.) (Shot of Nathan and Lucas chatting together and laughing.) ANNA: At least the guys are cute. (Peyton sees who Anna's looking at.) PEYTON: OK. (Sits on the bench properly, next to Anna.) Tree Hill rule number one; people in this town tend to have really complicated histories. (Anna looks at Peyton tensely.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. KAREN'S CAFÉ - DAY] (The bell rings and Dan walks into the café. Karen looks at him, unsure of how to behave.) KAREN: (Carrying a coffee jug.) Dan(!) How're you feeling? DAN: Good. KAREN: Good, um, Deb's not in till four. DAN: I came to see you. KAREN: (Suspiciously) OK. DAN: To apologise. (Karen looks down.) I was hoping you'd forgive me for the things I've done to hurt you. KAREN: (Looks at him disbelievingly.) Can I be honest with you Dan? (Dan leans down and waits for her to continue.) You're creeping everybody out(!) This Phoenix bird thing, this sensitive thing that you're pulling; no one's buying it. DAN: I'm sorry you feel that way. (Nods) But I understand. (Straightens.) Oh, by the way, Deb says Keith hasn't been hanging around here lately. (Pause) I hope it's not because of what happened. (Karen's confused.) You should know that I've chosen to forgive him. KAREN: For what? DAN: (Straight faced.) For sleeping with Deb. (Karen is obviously hurt by this. He 'realises' what he's done.) Oh, I'm sorry Karen...I really thought that you knew. (He nods once and leaves, his job is done.) (Karen watches him, upset.) FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [INT. JULES' HOUSE - BEDROOM - DAY] (Jules is sitting on her bed painting her toenails. Her cell phone rings.) JULES: (Answering the phone.) Speak(!) KEITH: (Through the phone.) Hey(!) It's uh...it's Keith. JULES: Sorry, I know a lotta Keith's. Could you be more specific? (Cut to Keith at the dealership.) KEITH: The Keith you kissed the other night? (Back to Jules' house.) JULES: Nah, you gotta give me more than that. (Back to the dealership.) KEITH: Uh...in a convertible. On a car ramp at Scott motors. (Cut back to Jules' house.) JULES: OK, that uh...that narrows it down to about a half-a-dozen or so. (Keith laughs.) KEITH: You're funny. Uh...hey look, I know its last minute but um...there's a club opening tonight. You wanna go? JULES: Wow, I dunno. I think I already have a date. (Keith waits patiently.) (Through the phone.) Besides, don't you know about the Wednesday rule? KEITH: The Wednesday rule? JULES: (Through the phone.) A girl can't accept a weekend date if the offer comes after Wednesday. It's a rule. KEITH: (Through the phone.) Yeah, well you know who follows those rules? (Jules smiles.) Girls who sit at home on the weekends. (They laugh.) JULES: (Through the phone.) Well you may be in luck. I've never been a big fan of rules. eight o'clock? [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MARKET STALL - DAY] (Peyton is shopping for the things on Chris' Writer as Brooke tags along.) PEYTON: (Holding a cantaloupe.) Does this look overly ripe to you? BROOKE: (Looking at her as if she's crazy.) Sorry, that's not my area of expertise. PEYTON: (Puts it back and pick another one.) So what's going on with you and Felix now? (They walk.) BROOKE: (Groans) I don't know. I mean the whole point of 'Friends with Benefits' is that there's no strings attached, right? PEYTON: Right. BROOKE: Well lately he's been getting really stringy on me. PEYTON: Ooo. (They stop at bananas.) BROOKE: And why are we looking for...overly ripe fruit again? PEYTON: (Consulting the Writer.) Chris' Writer. Basically, I have to give him everything on this list or he won't perform. BROOKE: (Getting ideas.) So wait a second, he makes a list and you have to do everything on it to get what you want? PEYTON: ...Exactly. (Brooke raises an eyebrow and smirks.) BROOKE: Interesting. (Smiles at Peyton.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. FELIX'S HOUSE - DRIVEWAY - DAY] (Felix is polishing his car when Brooke approaches holding a bag and paper. She gets onto his car.) FELIX: Just in time. Just let me finish here and then we can go upstairs. BROOKE: (Glancing at his house.) You can go upstairs and...finish yourself. I just came by to give you this. (Holds out the paper to him. He takes it.) It's a Writer. List of artist's demands. Peyton told me about it. FELIX: (Reading it.) What's it for? BROOKE: Well, yesterday you seemed a little sketchy on he terms of our agreement so I figured I'd clear it up for you. FELIX: With a bunch of rules? BROOKE: Um-hum. And you better follow them if you ever want me to...perform at your (pointedly looks down.) venue again. FELIX: (Gives her a look.) (Reading) No sleeping over. No sleeping late. No non-sexual bathing, is this necessary? BROOKE: You've been getting a little needy. FELIX: Needy? (Brooke makes a noise of assent.) Please, I have a date tonight. You are OK with that? BROOKE: (Laughs snarkily.) Item 12. FELIX: (Flips the page and reads.) No asking if it's OK to date other people. BROOKE: (Nods once.) So we're clear? FELIX: Crystal. (Brooke gets off his car and walks back to her house. Felix stares after her and then back at the list incredulously.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HOSPITAL - WHITEY'S ROOM - DAY] (Shot of the room number '635' and 'Patient Room'. Camera pans to show Whitey sitting up in bed, with glasses on, reading a book. Nathan opens the door and enters.) NATHAN: That's an odd sight. WHITEY: (Closes the book.) What, you thought I'd be blind? NATHAN: No, I just didn't think you could read. (Smiles) WHITEY: (About the book.) Five hundred things a person should see before they die. (Sets it aside.) I've seen twelve of them. (Takes his glasses off and smiles.) NATHAN: You gonna do something about that? WHITEY: Well that's the plan. At least until practice starts. I always wanted to die with the matarays in Tobago. (Nathan smiles and nods. Whitey chuckles.) NATHAN: So, uh, Coach...(Plays with his wedding ring.)...I turned down 'High Flyers'. WHITEY: Is there a reason you turned them down or...should I even ask? NATHAN: Well it's just...Haley's pursuing this whole music thing. (Pause) She's done a lot for me Coach. It's her turn now. And me going to camp is just standing in the way of that. WHITEY: (Sighs) Sometimes...marriage is about sacrifice. (Pause) Maybe you're not taking a step forward as a basketball player...(Smiling)...but you're taking two steps forward as a man. (Winks) NATHAN: (Smiles and looks down.) Thanks Coach. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. KAREN'S CAFÉ - DUSK] (Deb walks past with a tray of dirty dishes. Karen watches her as if seeing her for the first time. Keith comes into the café.) KEITH: (To Karen.) Hey. KAREN: (Looks at him.) Oh hi. KEITH: (Sits at a table.) Hi. I um, just dropped by to...wish you good luck tonight. KAREN: (Happily) Thanks. You're still coming right? (Shot of Deb working.) KEITH: (o.s) Of course, yeah. (Deb looks up at them.) KAREN: (o.s) Oh, good. KEITH: Um...I also wanted to talk to you about something else. KAREN: (Looking down uncomfortably.) OK. (Waits) KEITH: Um...I know that you and I were never...an item (Pause) but I thought you should know...(Shot of Deb looking uncomfortable.)...I'd like to um...bring a date to the club tonight. KAREN: (Nodding, he's not telling.) Anyone I know? KEITH: Uh...her name's Jules. I uh...I met her at the dealership. KAREN: (Nods) Is...that it? KEITH: (Pause) Yeah. KAREN: (Smiling) Good(!) I look forward to meeting her. (Doorbell rings.) KEITH: OK. (Gets up.) (Andy walks in with a box full of t-shirts.) ANDY: Beware of strangers bearing gifts. (Holds the box up.) KAREN: What is that Andy? ANDY: (Takes on t-shirt out.) Well look uh, every...cool club needs its own t-shirt right? So uh...here you go. (It's a black t-shirt with 'T' 'R' and 'C' in white and the 'I' in yellow shaped like a lightening bolt. More Harry Potter references.) KAREN: (Takes one.) There are sweet. ANDY: Oh, Lucas. That reminds me. Uh, I got him one too. (Gives the t-shirt to Karen. She holds it up. It's big enough to fit a child of about eight at the most. Keith squints at the t-shirt and Karen rushes to hide it.) KAREN: Oh, um...Keith, this is Andy. (Looks at him.) M-my professor. (Andy visibly restrains himself form arguing. He looks at her.) ANDY: Nice to meet you Keith. KEITH: (Shakes his hand.) Yeah. Yeah you too. (The three share a very uncomfortable silence.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE MALL - CLOTHES SHOP - DUSK] (Shot of a bag in a glass display case. Brooke pops up from the other end looking sulky.) BROOKE: But I want it so bad(!) (Haley pulls her away and links arms with her.) HALEY: No. It's not in the budget. Besides, if you get the purse, then you can't afford the outfit for the opening. BROOKE: (Petulantly) Screw the opening. I'll stay at home with the purse. (She's holding gold shoes.) (Haley looks at Brooke worriedly, she seem to be dozing off.) HALEY: What's going on, you alright? BROOKE: Yeah, I just feel a little light headed. HALEY: Why? BROOKE: (Evasively) I...sold some stuff. HALEY: What stuff? BROOKE: Some...blood. HALEY: Blood!? (Pulls her to a stop.) You sold blood? Brooke, you really think that's a good idea? You actually don't look very well. Kinda...pasty. BROOKE: I'm discount shopping(!) I'm gonna have to get used to looking like crap. And besides, I needed some extra money for the dress. HALEY: Which is only thirty-six bucks. BROOKE: (Points to the shoes.) Shoes. HALEY: Eighteen dollars. BROOKE: Eyeliner to go with the shoes. HALEY: (Mentally calculating.) Seven fifty, which is what? Sixty-one fifty with tax. I mean please, you have plenty left over for- BROOKE: Alcohol(!) We'll stop by the liquor store on the way home. HALEY: I really don't think you should be drinking after you just gave blood. BROOKE: No(!) The woman told me to re-hydrate myself and besides, if I'm gonna be seen in these shoes, (Holds them up.) I'm gonna need a drink or two. (Haley laughs.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TRIC - EVENING] (Shot of a neon light. The camera pans to show Peyton at the bar with some purple paper, Karen double checking things on a clipboard and Haley frantically pacing.) KAREN: OK, we'll have a DJ downstairs. The bar is stocked. Wristbands? (She puts big ticks on the list.) PEYTON: Uh...they are down front with Junk right now. KAREN: That's it(!) (Looks at Peyton.) It's out of our hands. LUCAS: (Enters) Oh no, you forgot something. PEYTON: (On the verge of panicking.) What!? LUCAS: (Grinning) To take a deep breath. (Peyton tilts her head, smiling.) Just for a second. Look around, I...you guys did this. (The bar is dark but lit with blue neon lights. There are lightening bolt lights strategically placed around the club.) And it's great. (People are walking around, still working.) PEYTON: (o.s) Yeah. (Lucas is proud, Peyton is smiling and Haley is panicking.) PEYTON: Oh god, but what-what if I didn't make better flyers, what if I didn't put up enough and then what if nobody shows up outside and- LUCAS: Come here. (Beckons her out.) (Peyton, Haley and Karen follow.) LUCAS: I don't think that that's gonna be a problem. (They stop at the top of the back stairs and look down. Haley sees it and looks like she's going to be physically sick. A lot of people are milling around on the street, waiting for it to open and more people are arriving. Karen and Peyton smile happily. Haley sighs and rests her forehead against the doorframe.) FADE TO BLACK: [SCENE_BREAK] COMMERCIAL SET: [INT. TRIC - EVENING] (Close up it a circular neon sign saying 'TRIC'. The camera zooms out quickly to show the club in full swing. The DJ plays and people are having a great time. The camera fast pans to show various different groups. It stops on Haley who definitely wants to be anywhere but there. (Brooke walks up behind Haley in a green dress and links arms with her.) BROOKE: OK, my thighs are itching... and not so much in a good way, I think I'm allergic to polyester. (Haley looks away.) But it's fine; I've had a few drinks. (Smiles drunkenly.) HALEY: I should have a few drinks because... do you see all these people? BROOKE: You're gonna be fine(!) (Haley grabs hold of the bar for support. Brooke pats Karen on the shoulder.) BROOKE: Hey, Miss Roe(!) Club looks great. KAREN: Uh... let's see the wrist Brooke. (She takes a pair of scissors and cuts the green band off of her wrist.) No alcohol(!) (Brandishes the scissors at her.) Are we clear? BROOKE: (Nods once.) Yes. KAREN: Good. Now go have some fun. (Brooke smiles and holds her hand out to Haley. Haley gives Brooke her hand and they mingle. Peyton smiles after them.) ANDY: This is definitely the first time I've felt like the oldest person in the bar. KAREN: (Smiling) Second oldest. (Peyton looks between the two, waiting to be introduced and curious. She coughs slightly.) KAREN: (Realising) Oh, Andy, this is Peyton. Peyton, this is... my friend, Andy. (Peyton holds out her hand to shake his.) PEYTON: (Shakes his hand.) Hi. ANDY: Hi. Um...(Looks at Karen.) well I'll try to keep out of your hair. You d-you didn't happen to bring little Lucas tonight did you? (Peyton gives Karen the same look that Keith did.) KAREN: Oh, well. Yeah, um... he's wondering around here somewhere. ANDY: (Smiling and nodding.) Great, great. I can't wait to meet him. (Turns and walks away.) PEYTON: (Looking at his retreating back.) Little Lucas? KAREN: (Evasively) His words, not mine. PEYTON: (Deliberately slowly.) So, what's the story with you and your...(Karen looks at her) friend. (Peyton puts one earphone to her ear.) KAREN: (Smiling but just as evasively.) You know, I'm not sure how to describe it. PEYTON: Put it this way; are you two getting...? KAREN: (Warningly) Peyton(!) PEYTON: ...Cos if you were, I'd... I'd describe it as pretty lucky. (Looking innocent.) He's a fox(!) (Karen is a mixture of embarrassed and delighted.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TRIC - EVENING] (The camera shows plenty of people outside. Pan across the people until we see Keith and Jules.) KEITH: So, how was your other date before the cancellation? JULES: Why? You wanna ask him out? KEITH: No, just didn't know you were seeing other people. JUNK: (Stands there with headphones, giving out wristbands.) If you're one of them, I'd shut up. KEITH: OK, you know, that's a good point. (Jules laughs and holds out her hand for Junk to put the band on.) KEITH: So how's it going Junk? JUNK: All good. Here you are, Mr Scott plus one. (Puts the wristband on Keith.) VIP - over twenty-one wristbands. (Gestures up the steps.) JULES: I didn't know you were so hip Keith. KEITH: Yeah, well neither did I. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TRIC - EVENING] (Brooke sits outside, alone, with her drink. She picks up a tiny bottle of alcohol and empties it into her plastic glass with a sigh on contentment.) BROOKE: Karen never said anything about drinking outside of her club. (Mouth walks around the side of the stairs and stops when he sees Brooke. She is not sitting within hearing distance of him. He's nervous.) MOUTH: Hey Brooke(!) I like your dress. (Shakes his head and sighs.) So... I was wondering if maybe you wanted to do something some time. (Sighs again.) Hey, you wanna catch a movie some time? (Nods and begins to walks.) (Sees Felix and stops.) FELIX: (Walks by and pats Mouth on the shoulder.) Sup Mouth? (Disappointedly, Mouth steps back a little. Felix and Theresa walk past Brooke.) BROOKE: Hmm... hey Theresa(!) Nice dress. THERESA: (Holding Felix's hand.) Um... thanks. (Felix does not look impressed.) BROOKE: Why does it look so familiar? (Pause) Oh I remember, cos it used to be mine. THERESA: Brooke, I asked you before I bought it. You said it was OK. BROOKE: Yeah, well that's before I knew how your ass would look in it. FELIX: Theresa, why don't you go up, I'll be right there. (Theresa nods and with one last look at Brooke, leaves. He glares darkly at Brooke as he steps closer to her.) FELIX: I'd have to check the list but I'm pretty sure acting like a jealous girlfriend is against the rules. BROOKE: I'm not jealous(!) I just figured you'd have gone for someone with a little more class. FELIX: (Pause) Why? (Long pause.) I went for you didn't I? (He walks away, leaving her there to stew. Brooke's pissed.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TRIC - EVENING] (Camera focuses on the 'TRIC' logo before it moves down to the DJ. Pan across people dancing and having fun.) (Haley walks up to Peyton.) HALEY: (Painful pause.) Hey. PEYTON: (Shouting about the noise.) Hey! HALEY: (Upset) I can't do it. PEYTON: (Takes the headphones off.) What? HALEY: I can't do it. PEYTON: Do what? HALEY: Play. (Peyton's eyes widen.) At all. I-I have to back out. PEYTON: And you're telling me this now?! HALEY: I'm sorry! It's just all these people and-and-and, I told you this might happen OK? So please just... don't hate me. I'm sorry(!) PEYTON: Haley, you can't do this OK? You're name's already on the poster, there are people here expecting you to play. HALEY: Well so what? I mean, who's gonna know the difference, right? You've already got two acts and a DJ, right? PEYTON: (Sighs) I'll figure it out. HALEY: (Sadly) OK. PEYTON: But you're gonna have to get on that floor sometime. (Pats her on the arm.) (Haley continues to look distraught.) (Camera focuses in on the 'TRIC' Sign. People drink and mingle. Karen stands behind the bar. Deb comes up behind her.) DEB: Hey Karen(!) This crowd; you must be thrilled(!) KAREN: Oh, try crazy. Seems like every teenager in the town showed up. DEB: So Andy made it. KAREN: Yeah, I'm still trying to figure out how to introduce him to Lucas. DEB: Uh-uh well... think fast. (Nods to a part of the club.) (The camera pans quickly and comes to a stop and Andy sitting next to Lucas.) LUCAS: So 'Kings of Convenience'? I just got their album last week. It's great. ANDY: Oh, you should see them live. LUCAS: Oh god, I bet. So how'd you find out about the club? ANDY: I'm actually kind of-uh, dating the woman who's responsible for all this. LUCAS: Really? You dating Peyton? ANDY: She's got the curly hair right? LUCAS: Yeah. ANDY: (Laughing) Yeah, the cops'll love that. (Pause) No, no, no, no, her name's um...(Looks sideways and sees her.) (Pointing) Karen. KAREN: Andy. (Uncomfortable pause.) LUCAS: Mom? ANDY: (Confused) Mom? KAREN: (Guiltily) Oh boy(!) (Andy's finally getting it.) Lucas, this is Andy. Andy... this is my son; Lucas. ANDY: Um... little Lucas? (Karen nods. Lucas smiles. Andy laughs) I uh... I thought you were six. (Shakes his hand.) Not...(Points up.) six one. (Lucas laughs and looks at his mother. Karen doesn't know what to say.) (Camera pans across to more dancing people enjoying themselves. Stops at Keith and Jules.) KEITH: Oh hey, there's, uh , someone I want you to meet. (Jules bits her lip.) Deb! DEB: (Turning at the sound of her name.) Oh Keith, I was hoping you'd make it. KEITH: Uh... Jules, this is... my sister-in-law, Deb. (Jules nods.) Deb, this is Jules, my uh... JULES: Girlfriend. Nice to meet you. (Shakes Deb's hand.) KEITH: This is my girlfriend, Jules. DEB: Nice to meet you too. (Smiles at Keith.) JULES: Thank you. I'll uh, get us some drinks? KEITH: OK. I'll just, uh, take a water. JULES: (Holds two fingers up and looks at Deb.) Two tequilas it is. (Smiles and leaves.) DEB: (Laughs) She seems fun. KEITH: Yeah, she's really great. (Pause) DEB: It's nice to see good things happen to you Keith. (Looks at him.) You deserve it. (They hug. Karen looks at them from a little way back where she is sitting at the bar. What Dan said is still bothering her, unsure of whether to believe him or not. Camera pans around a bit. Chris comes up to Nathan and Haley.) CHRIS: (In his usual rude attitude.) Previously on 'Saved By the Bell'. HALEY: Hey, Chris, this is my husband Nathan. (Nathan shakes his hand.) CHRIS: Married in high school. Yeah, that'll work(!) (Nathan blinks.) Peyton told me you bailed on the gig. Guess I was wrong about you. (He leaves them.) (Haley's troubled by her decision and sadly puts her head in her hands.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TRIC - EVENING] (Lucas stands against a pillar, alone. Somebody taps him on the shoulder, he looks around but no one's there, he looks the other way and sees Anna emerge from behind the other side of the pillar.) LUCAS: (About her outfit.) Woah! ANNA: Appropriate response. So, ready for our first dance? LUCAS: I don't know. Are friends supposed to have a first dance? ANNA: They are when the have potential. (Take his hand and pulls him on to the dance floor.) (More shots of people dancing and having fun. Keith and Jules dance. Anna and Lucas dance until Felix comes up behind Lucas and pulls him to a stop.) FELIX: Yo! You wanna explain this? (Holds up Anna's half of the photo booth pictures.) My sister's topless. LUCAS: (Looking at the pictures he's never seen before.) You wanna get that outta my face? (Felix's fingers cover the bottom picture.) (Jules and Keith are watching.) ANNA: Lucas, just walk away. Please(!) (Lucas doesn't budge.) ANNA: (Angrily pointing at her twin.) Outside! Now! (Felix looks at Lucas, pissed, for a moment and then complies, walking away. Anna follows behind him. Lucas watches them anxiously.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TRIC - EVENING] (Felix opens the back door and descends the steps, Anna following closely behind.) ANNA: Are you out of your mind?(!) FELIX: Are you out of yours? It's because of crap like this, we had to move again... and you know what? I liked my last life. (Stops half way down.) ANNA: Oh, great(!) This again. You- FELIX: You want people to talk? Keep it up, oh cos they will. Just like the last time. ANNA: (Tensely) Just because people say something, doesn't make true Felix. Those were rumours! FELIX: Yeah? Well how do you think rumours get started? (Gives her the picture and walks back into the club.) (Anna looks at the picture and sighs.) FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [INT. TRIC - EVENING] (Peyton stands on the stage and talks into the microphone.) PEYTON: Hey, what's going on Tree Hill?! Uh... I'd like to welcome you guys to the opening night of TRIC. It's a night we like to call... House of Freaks. You guys ready?! (The audience cheers.) PEYTON: Yeah? OK, great! (Crowd cheers some more.) Well then please help me in welcoming, to the stage, Chris Keller. (She walks off stage and Chris walks on with his guitar.) (Chris sits on the stool and looks at the crowd. They are all talking amongst themselves and paying no attention to him. He plugs the lead into his guitar. Peyton watches nervously.) BROOKE: (Approaching Peyton, completely drunk.) Hey P. Sawyer. PEYTON: (Hugs her.) Hey(!) BROOKE: It's your big night. I'm sorry I didn't get you anything un-(Mumbles the rest.) PEYTON: OK, sush, sush. It's OK. BROOKE: (About Chris.) Boy's a fox. (Peyton looks at her.) BROOKE: (Covering the side of her mouth with one hand to project her voice.) HEY, SHOW US YOUR TE-! PEYTON: (Grabbing her hand.) Hey! (Gives her a 'what for?' look.) (Brooke shrugs and claps. Guitar strums.) CHRIS: (Into the mic.) Alright, here we go now. (He starts playing the guitar but when he sees that people still aren't paying attention, he stops, looking around at the ignorant people.) (Peyton looks up anxiously. Chris taps the mic to make sure it's working.) CHRIS: Uh... hey! (Pause) You guys aren't ready for this! (Unplugs the guitar, gets up and leaves the stage.) (The crowd moans and yells, booing him off.) PEYTON: (Disbelieving) What! CHRIS: (To Haley who's watching.) Ah, what're you gonna do, Right? HALEY: Hey, wait a second. What about Peyton? CHRIS: Tough break(!) Least it beat being screwed over by a friend right? (Haley watches him, hurt.) (Karen walks on stage amidst the booing.) KAREN: (Into the mic.) Sorry, sorry everybody. Uh... w-we just had a little... uh-I'm not... whatever that was. Uh, but while we're sorting it out, the D-the DJ's gonna play and... how bout a... a free round on the house? (The crowd cheers.) PEYTON: (Shouting while indicating the crowd.) NO! ALL-AGES! KAREN: (Catching herself.) Oh juice! Of juice! Of juice. A free round of juice. (The crowd groans again.) (Chris walks past Peyton. She advances on him.) PEYTON: Hey! What are you doing?! CHRIS: Not playing. PEYTON: WHY?! CHRIS: Because playing to a bunch of mallrats who hate anything they can't PoGo to aint what Chris Keller's about. PEYTON: Really? (Points to the stage.) That would have been really nice for you to tell me before I put you up on stage! Also it would have been nice to know you talk about yourself in third person! CHRIS: OK, I get it; Curly's pissed but look at it this way, if I hadn't done what I did, (Looks at the stage) would she be up there right now? (Peyton looks at the stage and sees Haley sitting there with her keyboard.) HALEY: (Obviously terrified) (To herself) Don't think. Just play. (Haley closes her eyes and starts playing on the keyboard.) HALEY: #It's October again, Leaves are coming down, One more year's come and... gone, (Opens her eyes.) And nothing's changed at all, Wasn't I, Supposed to be someone (Peyton watches and hen looks at Chris.) PEYTON: So... you're saying you went through all this just to get Haley up there to play? CHRIS: Who knows? Chris Keller aint telling. (Pick his case and leaves her standing there.) HALEY: (o.s) To face the things that I've been running from, (Peyton watches Haley and smiles.) HALEY: Let me feel, (Everyone has stopped to listen.) I don't care if I break down, Let me fall, Even if I hit the ground, And if I, Cry a little, Die a little, (Nathan stands and smiles. Lucas comes up behind him.) LUCAS: You did a really good thing for her Nate. HALEY: (o.s) At least I know I lived, NATHAN: (Proud) No, she did it all by herself. HALEY: Just a little I've become much too good, At being vincible, I'm an expert, I play it safe and keep it cool But I swear, (Brooke watches, smiling slightly.) This isn't who I'm meant to be, (Brooke reaches over and grabs a bottle of alcohol.) I refuse to let my life roll over me, (Mouth approaches Brooke as she's pouring herself a glass.) Let me feel, MOUTH: Hi Brooke, I like your dress. Is it new? HALEY: (o.s) I don't care if I break down, BROOKE: (Turns to face him.) Unfortunately, it's discount. HALEY: (o.s) Let me fall, Even if I hit the ground, MOUTH: Well it's hard to believe. Cos you look... beautiful. HALEY: (o.s) And if I, Cry a little, Die a little, At least I know I've lived BROOKE: (Laughs good naturedly. She watches Felix and Theresa walk past.) Why can't guys be more like you Mouth? HALEY: (o.s) Just a little, BROOKE: I mean, you're loyal... sweet... and you bought my dollhouse back for me. (Haley continues to sing in the background.) MOUTH: It wasn't that big a deal. BROOKE: Yes it was. You know what you are? You are like... a really great... little brother. (Smiles) (Mouth's smiles slips. Brooke stands and kisses him on the cheek, looks at him and then leaves. Mouth is upset. He knows that he'll never have her.) HALEY: I wanna be somebody, Who can face the things that I've been running from Let me feel, I don't care if I break down, (Jules smiles.) JULES: (To Keith.) She's really good. KEITH: (Smiling and whispering.) Yeah(!) She's really great HALEY: (o.s) Let me fall, JULES: I gotta bring my other boyfriends back to see her next time. HALEY: (o.s) Even if I hit the ground, And if I, Cry a little, Die a little, At least I know I lived... It's October again, Leaves are coming down, One more year's come and gone, And nothing's changed at all. (She stops playing, looking unsure of the response she'll get. There's a moment pause before the club breaks out into loud applause. Haley smiles happily.) NATHAN: (Proudly, clapping.) Alright! PEYTON: (Clapping) Alright Haley! KAREN: (Clapping) Woooow! (Lucas smiles and claps.) HALEY: (Shyly) Thank you. (Anna comes up to Lucas wearily.) ANNA: Hey. (Lucas looks at her.) I'm sorry. I had no idea that was gonna happen. (Lucas smiles.) (Anna's upset.) And you don't deserve any of it. LUCAS: It's cool. Don't worry about it. (Smiles at the stage.) ANNA: Are you sure? (Lucas nods and smiles at her.) ANNA: What? LUCAS: I just... wouldn't mind seeing that picture again. (Anna smiles and he laughs.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TRIC - EVENING] (Felix is sitting at the bar with Theresa, smiling. Mouth comes up to him, angry.) MOUTH: What they hell are you doing to Brooke?(!) (Felix looks at Mouth and then back at Theresa.) FELIX: (To Theresa.) One second. (He gets up and drags Mouth away by the arm.) Is there a problem? MOUTH: Brooke is back there, wasted and alone. FELIX: So? MOUTH: So why aren't you doing something about it? And don't say you don't care because you do. Otherwise, why did you pay for the dollhouse? FELIX: (Looks around to make sure nobody overheard.) Look, I don't need you to understand any of it Mouth. And the dollhouse is our secret. Now if you don't mind, I'm having a crummy night. Theresa's about to change that. (Felix turns to leave. Mouth tries to stop him but Felix pushes him into some bystanders.) FELIX: Stop it Mouth(!) LUCAS: Hey! (Stops on front of him.) You got a problem with my friend? FELIX: (Looking him up and down.) Maybe I got a problem with you. LUCAS: (Smiling) Yeah, I think you do. (Looks at his mom watching them. He won't do this to her.) You're lucky... I'm not gonna do this in here. FELIX: That's too bad. (Steps back and turns as if to leave. Turns back.) Coz I am. (He punches Lucas who goes flying into the closest bar.) (Karen sees and stops what she's doing. Felix grabs Lucas and Lucas throws his own punch. Felix charges Lucas and Anna arrives.) ANNA: Felix! Stop it! (They fall to the floor, still struggling.) ANNA: Stop it! Felix! (Andy grabs a hold of Lucas and Keith grabs Felix.) FELIX: (To Keith.) Get you damn hands off me! KEITH: Not until I get you outside. (And keeps a cursory hold on Lucas.) FELIX: Oh right, everyone here's related. I get tossed cos you're the guy's uncle. KEITH: No, you get tossed because you're an ass(!) (Hauls Felix out of the club. Anna watches distressed.) (Andy lets go of Lucas. He looks at his mom who shakes her head disappointedly and turns her back. Lucas, with a bleeding lip, doesn't know what to say.) FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [INT. TRIC - EVENING] (Shot of the 'TRIC' logo. Camera cuts to the floor. The club is now empty, people are moving around, clearing up. Lucas is sitting at the bar and Karen is behind it, looking pissed.) LUCAS: So did you have fun tonight mom? KAREN: So if you... don't count the part where my son started punching people. LUCAS: (Holding his phone and looking down.) I'm sorry. (Honestly) I didn't mean to ruin your night. KAREN: Yeah, well I didn't mean to screw up your week. Then again, without the use of your cell phone, MP3 player and the car... it could suck for you. (Hold out some ice wrapped in a cloth.) KAREN: (Looking stern.) Trade(!) (Lucas frowns. Karen persists.) (Lucas gives her his phone and takes the cloth full of ice.) KAREN: One week. Two, if you complain. (Points at him and leaves him alone.) (Lucas grimaces and puts the cloth to his lip. Anna comes up behind him.) ANNA: How're you doing? LUCAS: (Laughs humourlessly.) You should see the other guy. ANNA: (Smiles) (Pause) Well I've got my mom's car so... I'm gonna take off. LUCAS: Are you sure? ANNA: Yeah, (Nods) but... thanks for punching Felix(!) (Grinning) I've wanted to do that for years. LUCAS: Anytime(!) (Laughs) ANNA: Call me tomorrow? LUCAS: (Pause) You tell me. (Beat, Anna kisses him on the cheek.) ANNA: (Nodding) Call me tomorrow. (Smiles and leaves.) (Lucas sighs and turns to his mother.) LUCAS: Alright, well I'm gonna go home mom. (Puts the cloth on the counter.) And don't worry, I'm going straight home. KAREN: Alright, no street fighting. (Andy comes up and puts some glasses on the counter.) LUCAS: Right. (To Andy.) Uhh... nice to meet you Andy. (Holds out his hand.) ANDY: Yeah, yeah, you too. (Shakes his hand.) (Lucas gets up and walks out. Andy shakes his head and sighs.) ANDY: So I guess that t-shirt I bought him is gonna fit a little snug. (Karen looks at him and then resumes cleaning the counter. She struggles for words.) KAREN: (Quietly) Ohh, right, that. (Turns to him.) ANDY: Why didn't you just tell me Karen? (She looks down.) I mean you're... you're son's a teenager. W-why do you think that would matter? KAREN: (Strained) Because it matters to me(!) (She looks at him for a long moment.) Andy, I like you... but tonight, seeing you sitting there with Lucas, it just seemed so normal. Like friends. ANDY: (Shrugs) So? KAREN: Well... so that makes sense to me. (Turns him around to the mirror.) Look at us(!) (We see them reflected in the mirror, Karen just staring at their reflections.) I mean, does this picture look right to you? ANDY: (Looks for a while before nodding and saying honestly.) Yes. To me it does. (Karen looks at him. He turns to her.) But I think the uh... the more important question is... does it feel right? (He kisses her.) KAREN: (Looks down.) (Pause) That feels good. ANDY: (Laughs) Yeah. Yeah it does. (They nod.) The rest doesn't matter. (Pause) G'night. (He looks at her and then leaves for home. Karen watches him off with a smile.) (Haley and Nathan are still there.) MAN: (Shakes Haley's hand.) Good job! HALEY: (Overwhelmed) Thank you. WOMAN: You were great. (Haley sits next to Nathan on the stage as more people pass. WOMAN: We loved you. HALEY: (Shaking her hand) Oh, thanks so much(!) (Laughs at Nathan.) CHRIS: (Comes up.) Predictable sappy ballad. How's it feel? HALEY: (Looks at Nathan who's smiling.) Uh... great till ya just... dissed me(!) (Laughs) CHRIS: No, look, you've got a good sound. And watching you tonight, I can definitely see us doing something together. HALEY: (Shocked) Really(!)? (Nathan looks at Haley.) CHRIS: Yeah, I never joke about music. Here's my number. (Gives her a slip of paper.) I got some studio time coming up. HALEY: Oh... wow OK. (Looks at Nathan again.) (Laughs) (Nathan's looking a bit worried.) HALEY: Oh(!) I just remembered THUD Magazine wanted me to do a... interview with them. It's probably gonna take a little while and- NATHAN: Nah, it's cool. HALEY: OK. NATHAN: This is your night. Go, enjoy and I'll see you at home. HALEY: Are you sure? (Chris smiles, shaking his head.) NATHAN: Yeah, I gotta work early tomorrow anyway. HALEY: OK. (Kisses him.) I love you. (To Chris.) Thanks. (Gets off the stage and walks away.) (Both Chris and Nathan watch her leave.) CHRIS: You have any idea how many guys in the room wanna nail your wife right now? (Grins, picks up his case and leaves.) (Nathan looks back the way Haley left and considers.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAVIS RESIDENCE - BROOKE'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (The lights are on in Brooke's dollhouse. Mouth opens the door and helps Brooke into her bedroom. She is completely incoherent and can't tell where she is or who's with her. Mouth puts her onto her bed and she collapses onto it.) (He covers her with a duvet and she turns to him, eyes closed. Mouth sits there for a while.) MOUTH: G'night Brooke. (Sighs) I love you. (He looks at her a little more before her bedroom door opens and Felix enters. Mouth looks at him.) FELIX: Hey. (Beat) I was just checking on her. MOUTH: She's fine. (Stands up and walks up to him.) FELIX: (Understanding) You like her, huh? MOUTH: (Nods) Yeah. (Beat) But guys like me don't get girls like her and... guys like you don't care. FELIX: (Being sincere for the first time.) That's not true. (Pause) Look man... I owe you an apology. (Mouth looks down, Felix holds his fist out.) FELIX: Friends? (Mouth looks at Felix and then at Brooke.) MOUTH: Just treat her right. (Ignores Felix's hand and walks out of the house.) (Felix watches Mouth close the door and drops his hand. The bruise where Lucas hit him is evident. He sighs as he looks at Brooke and slowly walks over to her, lowering himself onto the side of her bed. He watches her and brushes hair out of her face. She opens her eyes, recognising him.) BROOKE: (Whispering) Felix? FELIX: (Smiling) Hey girl. (Shakes his head.) You're a mess. BROOKE: (Surprised) You took care of me? FELIX: (Beat) Yeah... sometimes you gotta break the rules. (Brooke closes her eyes. Felix shifts some more hair out of her face.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TRIC - EVENING] (Karen is still there, counting money and writing in a pad.) DEB: (o.s) So(!) (Coming into the shot.) How'd we do? KAREN: (Shuffling money.) Well... it's a little early for exact numbers but... a few thousand nights like this and I think we can retire. DEB: (Smiles) Ah, works for me(!) (Karen puts the money aside and hesitates. Deb notices.) KAREN: Ah... Deb, I need to ask you a question. DEB: Of course. KAREN: I mean, it's-it's stupid and considering the source, I shouldn't even ask I mean, I probably don't even have the right ask but - DEB: (Interrupting) Karen, we're friends. KAREN: (Beat) Right. (Pause) Yesterday, Dan told me that you slept with Keith. (Deb looks up.) Is it true? DEB: (Stares, unable to say anything. Karen's worried. Finally.) No(!) Of course not(!) (Karen smiles and nods. The camera pans down and fades out of focus.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. JULES' HOUSE - DOORSTEP - EVENING] (Jules and Keith are standing on the front porch.) JULES: (Smiling) Well... that date had everything. Good conversation, dancing... fisticuffs. KEITH: (Smiles) Yeah, I'm sorry about that part. (They smile.) JULES: So... I was thinking. You called me your girlfriend tonight. KEITH: Yeah. JULES: Well... if we were exclusive, (Beat) just you and me... would you be OK with that? KEITH: I'd be great with that. (Jules smiles.) JULES: Good. Me too. (They kiss.) So what do you say boyfriend? Wanna sleep over? (She walks to her front door.) KEITH: (Pleased) Boy(!) (Jules is waiting for him, they enter the house together and Keith shuts the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. JAMES SCOTT APARTMENT - BEDROOM - EVENING] (Nathan it awake and alone in bed. He's lying on his back and repeatedly throwing a basketball up. He stops and looks at the clock. It reads 2:38 a.m. in big, bright red, numbers. Haley still isn't home.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TRIC - EVENING] (Peyton walks with Haley as they head to the back room.) PEYTON: So... hell of a night huh? HALEY: (Jittery) Yes, I'm still shaking! (Peyton laughs.) Thank you so much for everything! And I'm sorry about earlier. PEYTON: No, dude, you totally redeemed yourself after indie-boy flaked on me(!) HALEY: Ha! You wanna get outta here? PEYTON: Yes but, I gotta clear out some stragglers. (Peyton pushes open a door with 'Private' painted across it in Peyton's hand. Inside are a bunch of people, and Rick, doing drugs.) RICK: (As he sees Peyton.) Hey(!) Relax, they're cool. In fact, Peyton and I did a couple lines the other night. Aint that right Peyton? (Peyton has her hands in her pockets and looks guilty. Haley turns and looks at her accusingly. Peyton doesn't know what to say. Not only has Peyton done drugs but she's also let them people into Karen's club.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ROE RESIDENCE - DOORSTEP - EVENING] (Lucas walks up the steps to the front porch. Felix comes up from down the street and stops at his house, walking up the slabs. Lucas turns at the noise.) LUCAS: (Watches for a beat.) What do you want Felix? FELIX: (Beat) You like my sister? LUCAS: (Sighs but still on guard.) You know I do. FELIX: (Evilly) Too bad. Stay the hell away from her. LUCAS: (Not threatened.) Is that an order? FELIX: No... it's a warning(!) (Off Lucas' poker face.)	Plan: A: Peyton's club "TRIC; Q: What club opens in Tree Hill? A: Felix; Q: Who sneaks in and tries to take credit for Brooke's performance? A: blows; Q: What do Lucas and Felix come to over Anna? A: Chris; Q: Who quits the night of the club opening? A: Haley; Q: Who must face her fear of performing to save the night for Peyton? A: Mouth; Q: Who tends to Brooke while she is drunk? A: a new level; Q: What does Keith and Jules realize their relationship has reached? A: Dan; Q: Who tells Karen that Deb slept with Keith? A: The Get Up Kids; Q: Whose song is "TRIC" named after? Summary: The opening of Peyton's club "TRIC" brings together the people of Tree Hill. Lucas and Felix come to blows over Anna. After Chris quits the night of the club opening, Haley must face her fear of performing to save the night for Peyton. Mouth tends to Brooke while she is drunk, but Felix sneaks in and attempts to take the credit. Keith and Jules realize their relationship has reached a new level and Dan tells Karen that Deb slept with Keith. This episode is named after a song by The Get Up Kids .
The War Games By Malcolm Hulke and Terrance Dicks 5:15pm - 5:40pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1, INT: LANDING BAY (The Doctor turns to ascend the ramp, when a squad of guards appears at the top cutting off the escape route.) DOCTOR: Stand still, don't move! You are completely surrounded! ZOE: Doctor! (The Security Chief strolls up to the Doctor followed by the War Chief, his eyes glittering malevolently.) WAR-CHIEF: Thank you Doctor. A nice, neat little package for us to dispose of. (The Doctor looks desperately around at the faces of his friends.) JAMIE: What's happened? RUSSELL: We were idiots to trust you. I'll kill you for this! WAR-CHIEF: Idle threats Doctor, have no fear. Guards, disarm them and take them away. SECURITY-CHIEF: Take him too. WAR-CHIEF: No! He is working for us. SECURITY-CHIEF: What further use is he? WAR-CHIEF: He has proved his loyalty by helping us. And he has great knowledge of time travel mechanics. SECURITY-CHIEF: The War Lord shall decide. Take these prisoners to the processing room, hold them there under strict guard until further orders. I shall be with the War Lord. (He exits as the prisoners are lead away.) WAR-CHIEF: Don't worry Doctor, the War Lord will welcome your loyalty and assistance. DOCTOR: Well I hope so. But you know, I find it hard to understand why you need me. WAR-CHIEF: We need each other. DOCTOR: It's something to do with the TARDIS travel machines isn't it? WAR-CHIEF: Shall we join the War Lord? It doesn't do to keep him waiting. DOCTOR: I-I must congratulate you on them, you know. You're achieved a remarkable degree of control. WAR-CHIEF: Simply a variation on the old models. DOCTOR: Oh my dear fellow, you're too modest. Dimensional flexibility? Remote control? In my day these things were impossible to achieve without shortening the life of the time control units. WAR-CHIEF: There have been many advances made in space-time technology. DOCTOR: Yes, there must have been. That particular problem is impossible to solve! ...How did you solve it? WAR-CHIEF: It's not a thing one can explain in a few words. We'll discuss it later, now we really should join the War Lord. DOCTOR: You haven't solved it, have you? Your machines have a limited life span! Sooner or later they're going to be useless! WAR-CHIEF: Very well. Yes, you're right. DOCTOR: Now I understand - it's my TARDIS that you're after isn't it?! WAR-CHIEF: Exactly! When we are in control all of the machines I have brought here will have expired. (He places a comradely arm around the Doctor's shoulder.) WAR-CHIEF: If we hold the only space-time travel machine, we can rule our galaxy without fear of opposition. DOCTOR: Yes, but without me and my TARDIS your ambitions are going to be rather hard to realise, aren't they? WAR-CHIEF: That's right. And without my influence these aliens will surely kill you. [SCENE_BREAK] 2, INT: PROCESSING ROOM (The guards roughly herd the prisoners into the room, then stand with their weapons raised.) RUSSELL: Alright! JAMIE: Alright! CARSTAIRS: Easy! ZOE: Oh! RUSSELL: Well, a fine mess your friend the Doctor got us in, eh? I'll break 'is neck when I get hold of him. CARSTAIRS: Oh I don't believe it! JAMIE: Look, he must have had a good reason! VILLAR: Ah, to have us killed perhaps, to save his own skin! When I get my hands on him I kill him too! JAMIE: Now look, the Doctor wouldn't betray us! ZOE: No of course he wouldn't! Why did he get us to come here? [SCENE_BREAK] 3, INT: WAR ROOM (The chiming note echoes briefly through the war room.) WAR-LORD: He seems to have done very well. We have the leaders of the resistance, and the immediate threat to the war games is over. But your sudden decision to join us worries me. (He glances at the Doctor.) DOCTOR: Well, I like to be on the winning side. WAR-LORD: Previously you thought the resistance to be the winning side; what made you change your mind? DOCTOR: Well I hadn't realised how-how small and weak their groups were compared to your might and power. (He chuckles to himself and walks around the map table.) WAR-LORD: You have a silver tongue just like your friend the War Chief. (He sits in one of the chairs.) WAR-LORD: What contribution can you make to our plan? DOCTOR: Well your processing machines. I can make them work more effectively. WAR-LORD: Our scientist is at this moment producing new machines on the home planet. DOCTOR: Ah yes, but that will take time. I can make the old ones work just as well - probably better. WAR-LORD: Very well, you shall have the opportunity to prove your ability. You will adjust the machines, and reprocess your resistance friends. DOCTOR: They are no longer my friends; they are our enemies! WAR-LORD: Of course they are. Take him to the processing room, see he has every facility. (The Doctor leaves followed by two guards and the Security Chief.) WAR-LORD: The resistance groups, where are they? WAR-CHIEF: They are all now concentrated in this one area. I have ordered the conventional troops to move in on them. WAR-LORD: Good, when the situation returns to normal order all the security guards to return to the control centre. All control points on the planet are to be repaired, and the war games recommenced. WAR-CHIEF: Will you be returning to the home planet? WAR-LORD: No. I'm waiting until the emergency is over. You will inform me immediately if there's any change in the situation. (The War Lord exits and a chair groans as the War Chief slouches in it, deep in thought.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4, INT: PROCESSING ROOM ZOE: ...They making us wait here for? CARSTAIRS: Probably going to reprocess us again. JAMIE: Eh? CARSTAIRS: Brainwash us, send us back to fight. RUSSELL: No I doubt it, they know their processing machines don't work on us. VILLAR: They will shoot us, what else do you do with prisoners? SECURITY-CHIEF: Your friend the Doctor has a better idea. (They all look around to see the Security Chief, the Doctor and two guards with deliberately aimed weapons.) SECURITY-CHIEF: He is going to adjust the machines and re-process you himself. JAMIE: He wouldn't do that! ZOE: Doctor you can't! (Russell valiantly pushes himself to the front of the group.) RUSSELL: You just try it! (Russell stops short of the guards.) SECURITY-CHIEF: I don't think they like you. Unfortunately I cannot spare any of my guards to protect you, so you will have to fend for yourself. (The Security Chief leaves with the guards.) DOCTOR: What?! But...y-you..! (The Doctor glances at the door, but the resistance fighters have moved to cover it.) RUSSELL: Well, well, well, it seems your new friends don't like you either. (Arturo Villar advances on the Doctor.) VILLAR: Leave him to me, I kill him first! DOCTOR: No...no, don't come any closer, no! [SCENE_BREAK] 5, INT: WAR ROOM (Then Security Chief Joins the War Chief at the far side the map table.) SECURITY-CHIEF: How is the battle progressing? WAR-CHIEF: The resistance group were all concentrated in this one area. We have them completely encircled. SECURITY-CHIEF: And now you will destroy them? WAR-CHIEF: Of course. They are falling into disorder, naturally enough since we have their leaders here. Has the Doctor started processing them? (The Security Chief glances across the room.) SECURITY-CHIEF: Not yet. (A visored technician hands him a report which he reads.) SECURITY-CHIEF: Where is the War Lord? WAR-CHIEF: You did take the Doctor to the processing room? SECURITY-CHIEF: Of course! WAR-CHIEF: I don't trust you. SECURITY-CHIEF: The feeling is mutual. (The War Chief moves away. As soon as the Security Chief is sure he is out of sight, he walks over to the control console where the technician is sat.) SECURITY-CHIEF: Play back the recordings. (The technician presses a control and the tape winds back with a mickey-mouse-on-amphetamine-sulphate gabble.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6, INT: PROCESSING ROOM (The Doctor is in the middle of a mass of heaving bodies.) DOCTOR: Oh no...leave me alone! (Jamie and Carstairs rush into the middle of the group and break it up.) CARSTAIRS: Leave him be! JAMIE: Now look! Just give him a chance to speak! (The Doctor jumps to his feet.) RUSSELL: Yes, we listened to him once before and look where it got us! He led us into a trap! DOCTOR: They were going to drop the neutron-bomb! You'd all be dead now, and all of your resistance friends with you if it wasn't for me! VILLAR: He's lying! RUSSELL: You did a deal to save your own neck! VILLAR: But your deal didn't do you no good, they turn you over to us and now we kill you! (Carstairs grabs Villar from behind.) CARSTAIRS: No, you can't just murder him! VILLAR: Is not murder, is execution! CARSTAIRS: Have you got any explanation for your conduct? DOCTOR: Yes, I am trying to save your lives! If you do exactly as I tell you'll be alright! VILLAR: We don't listen to your lies no more! (Villar tears away from Carstairs and jumps on the Doctor throttling him wildly just as a pair of security guards rush in and break it up.) WAR-CHIEF: I'm sorry Doctor, there seems to have been some kind of misunderstanding. (The Doctor rubs his bruised neck, still trying to ease his breathing.) DOCTOR: Yes, and it was very nearly fatal! [SCENE_BREAK] 7, INT: WAR ROOM (The technician presses a control on the board and the War Chief's voice pipes out of the speaker.) WAR-CHIEF VO: Doctor, this is also a matter of your own survival. Unless I can convince the War Lord that you will help us... SECURITY-CHIEF: Stop! Wind further on. (The technician does as he is told.) SECURITY-CHIEF: Now! Try there. (This time the War Lord's voice is heard on the tape.) WAR-LORD VO: ...Responsible for the success of the plan. Failure will mean death - for both of you. (There is a pause on the tape for a moment as the sound of receding footsteps is heard.) DOCTOR VO: I never promised to help you! WAR-CHIEF VO: But you will, you have no alternative! DOCTOR VO: To help people like that gain control of the galaxy? WAR-CHIEF VO: Not people like that, people like us! I will take over as Supreme Galactic Ruler. You can help me rule - if you will cooperate. SECURITY-CHIEF: Enough! (The technician switches off the tape.) SECURITY-CHIEF: I knew it! [SCENE_BREAK] 8, INT: PROCESSING ROOM (The resistance leaders are all under guard in a corner nervously watching. Jamie is lying on the couch, his head in the jaws of the clamp as the Doctor makes a show of processing for the War Chief.) WAR-CHIEF: Are you sure that this new process will be completely effective? DOCTOR: Oh yes, quite sure. I think that will do. (The whine of power dies away as he turns off the machine and opens the jaws.) DOCTOR: There we are. Now then, when this man comes to he will believe himself to be fighting the English Redcoats in seventeen forty-five. (The Doctor claps his hands.) DOCTOR: Now get up! (Jamie blearily gets to his feet.) JAMIE: Eh, oh...oh. DOCTOR: What is your name? JAMIE: What? DOCTOR: Your name. JAMIE: Ah, J-James Robert McCrimmon. DOCTOR: Do you know where you are? JAMIE: Oh well... DOCTOR: You are in my castle, I am the McCrimmon McCrimmon, your hereditary Chieftain! JAMIE: Y-ah yes of course...you're the Chieftain! (He glances at the War Chief.) JAMIE: Oh, er, who's that? DOCTOR: Well th-that is a, that is a friendly Chieftain; you will obey his orders as you will mine. JAMIE: Oh oh-oh aye, I'll obey you! DOCTOR: There you are, you see, complete loyalty and devotion. I can do the same with all the other resistance people that you capture. WAR-CHIEF: Excellent! Continue with the others. If you can successfully process characters like these, you will have made an immense contribution. DOCTOR: Thank you. Bring the girl! ZOE: Oh leave me alone, don't! Oh! (The guards drag Zoe over to the couch and thrust her into it. The Doctor adjusts the equipment.) JAMIE: Look, do as you're told! DOCTOR: You will obey us. (Then whispers.) DOCTOR: It is for your own good. (And gives her a clandestine wink.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9, INT: WAR ROOM WAR-CHIEF: What a stupid fool you are! You deliberately disobeyed the War Lord's orders. Arrest him! (The guards stand immobile.) WAR-CHIEF: Arrest him! SECURITY-CHIEF: You are no longer in command. (He nods to the technician who plays back the recording to the War Chief's chagrin.) WAR-CHIEF VO: I will take over as Supreme Galactic Ruler. You can help me rule - if you will cooperate. SECURITY-CHIEF: I had all discussion that took place between you and the Doctor recorded. What a stupid fool you are. Guards, take him to the security area! (The War Chief struggles wildly as the guards grab him by the arms.) SECURITY-CHIEF: On your way pick up his accomplice the Doctor. If they offer any resistance shoot them both! (They lead him away still fighting to get free.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10, INT: LANDING BAY (The Doctor has Villar's head in the processing machine.) DOCTOR: There we are. Now then, sit up, sit up! (Villar does so.) DOCTOR: Now then... You are in la Castille de la Cruz de San Antonio de la Frada Forma, in Mexico. VILLAR: Uh? Are you crazy? You machine is no good! Villar is too strong for you! (He leaps up eager to resume throttling the Doctor.) DOCTOR: Oh! Oh no, stop! Get him off me! Oh oh-oh! (There is a struggle in which the single guard leaps to the defence, but gets mobbed by the unprocessed resistance fighters. Finally Jamie manages to tear Villar away from the Doctor.) JAMIE: Can you not pretend like the rest of us ya great loon?! VILLAR: Uh? Is all a trick? JAMIE: Aye. VILLAR: You fix the machine so she don't work? DOCTOR: Yes. I fixed her, and you nearly fixed me. VILLAR: Hahaha! And you only pretend to be loco? JAMIE: Exactly! RUSSELL: But Doctor, why did you get us here at all? DOCTOR: They were going to drop the neutron bomb. You were better alive here, than dead out there! CARSTAIRS: Zoe watch the door will you? ZOE: Right. (She skips out.) CARSTAIRS: Sergeant, now we're here, surely we can take over? RUSSELL: W-it depends upon how many of those guards they've got. CARSTAIRS: Ah, but we've been drawing them out to the Time Zones! DOCTOR: Yes, very successfully from what I hear. (Zoe rushes in.) ZOE: Doctor, somebody's coming! Three of them are heading this way. [SCENE_BREAK] 12, INT: CENTRAL QUADRANT (The guards march the War Chief along at the point of their stunguns. They usher him into the processing room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12, INT: PROCESSING ROOM (As the guards enter they are mobbed from the sides and incapacitated.) DOCTOR: Uh, don't harm him. We may need him. WAR-CHIEF: It seems my trust in you was a little misplaced. DOCTOR: Did you really think I'd take part in your disgusting steam...scheme? WAR-CHIEF: Why not? You must have been a little tempted by the thought of becoming the ruler of an entire galaxy. VILLAR: All this talk! When we fight? RUSSELL: We haven't got anything to fight with! We've no guns. CARSTAIRS: We've got those alien guns if we can work out how to use them. VILLAR: I no trust those things! I need my guns, they good guns, never miss! RUSSELL: I'm sure he knows where they're stored. WAR-CHIEF: I might. RUSSELL: You'd better, because I've got... DOCTOR: I'm sure that the War Chief is going to cooperate. He's going to help us gain control of the war room. WAR-CHIEF: That may not be so easy. You see, our little arrangement had been discovered, I was under arrest. RUSSELL: Oh yes? Yes, that could be right, he did come in here under gunpoint! WAR-CHIEF: But the personnel in the landing bay are not aware of my arrest. When the security guards return from the Time Zones you won't stand a chance. I can stop the arrival of the time-machines. DOCTOR: I see. Very well, but first you'll take us to the war room, you're the only one who can stop the fighting in the Zones. VILLAR: Hey, wait a minute! First we get our guns, no? DOCTOR: No...I mean, yes. Come on Jamie, Zoe. [SCENE_BREAK] 13, INT: WAR ROOM SECURITY-CHIEF: I want a blanket broadcast to all security guards in the War Zones: This is the Security Chief, the resistance groups are scattered over the Civil War Zone, they will be dealt with later. All security guards will now proceed to the nearest control point, there are... (The resistance leaders rush in and grab the two guards stationed in the room.) SECURITY-CHIEF: Guards! (Two more guards rush forward, but each collapse from a single flash from each of Villar's guns in turn.) VILLAR: I told you, my guns best! (The Security Chief is cowering beneath a control panel with the technician.) SECURITY-CHIEF: Emergency alarm! (The technician reaches up and touches a control causing the wailing alert to start up again, but collapses immediately as another shot is fired. Keeping down, the Security Chief moves across the floor towards a rack of stunguns, but he is too late. The last thing he sees is the triumphant face of the War Chief, weapon in hand. Clutching his face in agony, the Security Chief dies in a swirl of energy. The War Chief swings around to see how the skirmish is going, and notices that the resistance has won. facing the muzzle Carstairs' revolver, he lowers his weapon.) WAR-CHIEF: It's alright, it was a personal debt I had to settle. DOCTOR: Will somebody turn off that hideous noise, I cannot think! (Russell moves to the control console and stabs a number of buttons at random, finally the noise cuts out.) ZOE: One thing I don't understand Doctor, is how are you going to get all these people back to their own time? DOCTOR: Yes, I... Yes I've been thinking about that. (He walks over to the War Chief.) WAR-CHIEF: You realise that we have very little time now that the alarm has been sounded? DOCTOR: Yes. Call off the fighting at once! WAR-CHIEF: We could just go to the landing bay, order a machine and leave. DOCTOR: You could, we can't. The fighting has to be stopped and everyone sent back to their own times! WAR-CHIEF: Sent back, how? DOCTOR: Well your TARDIS travel machines of course! WAR-CHIEF: There are only two machines left with enough life in them. DOCTOR: What? But...oh my word, well that's happened rather sooner than I expected. RUSSELL: Doctor, does that mean that you can't do as you promised and get us all home? DOCTOR: Oh, Well er, yes. (He looks rather vague for a moment.) WAR-CHIEF: You can't! DOCTOR: I-I can still do that. WAR-CHIEF: You can't unless... (For the first time the War Chief's icy control begins to crack and the colour begins to drain from his face.) WAR-CHIEF: Doctor, you mustn't call them in or it will be the end of us. They'll show no mercy! DOCTOR: You stop the fighting! (Russell moves in thrusting his revolver in the villains face.) RUSSELL: Do as you're told! (The War Chief moves down, and under the harsh gaze of Villar and the other resistance leaders, operates a control on the main console. A blanket communiqué is sent to all the leaders in the Zones.) WAR-CHIEF: This is the War Chief to all War Zones, this is a command direct from the War Lord. All fighting will cease. I repeat, all fighting in the War Zones will cease. You will stand by for further orders. ZOE: What did he mean Doctor? Who mustn't you call? DOCTOR: The only people who can put an end to this whole ghastly business and send everyone back to their own times. The Time Lords. JAMIE: Wha, who are they? DOCTOR: They're my own people Jamie. JAMIE: Oh, well that's alright then. ZOE: But it isn't alright is it Doctor? DOCTOR: No it's not Zoe, but I'm afraid that there's no alternative. (The Doctor pulls out six yellow plastic squares from his pocket and arranges them in a pile on the floor. Then he sits down in the lotus position and meditates patiently.) JAMIE: What's he doing? (The War Chief struggles wildly to free himself, but his arms are pinned either side by Russell and Villar.) WAR-CHIEF: Don't do it Doctor, you can't! You know what will happen! (Gradually, as the Doctor concentrates on the squares, each rises up, edges moving towards edges; and as the corners seal together the squares lock themselves into the shape of a cube.) JAMIE: Look at that! (They all stare at the trick.) CARSTAIRS: That's fantastic! VILLAR: Magic! ZOE: Doctor are you alright? DOCTOR: Yes Zoe, I'm alright. JAMIE: Doctor, what's that? DOCTOR: It's a box Jamie. JAMIE: I know, I can see that! DOCTOR: It's a very special sort of box. It now contains all the information about what's been going on here, and an appeal for help. JAMIE: Help? Er, who from? ZOE: The Time Lords? (The Doctor looks downcast.) DOCTOR: Yes Zoe. JAMIE: Well why haven't you ever asked them for help before? DOCTOR: I've never needed it before Jamie, but this business of sending everyone back to their own times...well, it's too difficult for me. (He slips the cube into his coat pocket and looks around.) DOCTOR: Now, now come along... The War Chief! CARSTAIRS: What? DOCTOR: He's gone! RUSSELL: What? DOCTOR: He must be trying to get away before the Time Lords get here! CARSTAIRS: Well what are we gonna do Doctor? DOCTOR: We must go to the landing bay and stop him! (They rush out of the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14, INT: LANDING BAY (The War Chief rushes down the ramp and moves to the control panel. Moving a few circuit rods into position, he summons a SIDRAT which obediently sparkles into existence behind him, the door sliding invitingly open. The War Chief is cut off by a pair of guards as he rushes towards the machine. Spinning around, he finds himself face to face with the War Lord and another two guards.) WAR-CHIEF: I thought... WAR-LORD: Yes? WAR-CHIEF: You have arrived just in time. There has been a revolt, the prisoners have escaped. How many guards do you have? WAR-LORD: Only the ones you see here. WAR-CHIEF: Then we must return to the home planet to bring reinforcements. (He moves to enter the SIDRAT, but the War Lord holds him back.) WAR-LORD: Where is the Security Chief? WAR-CHIEF: Prisoners have taken over the War Room, they've killed him. (The War Lord smiles.) WAR-LORD: No...no. You killed him, but a little too late. I heard the recording. (The War Chief backs away towards the guards.) WAR-CHIEF: He wanted to stop the War Games. He was a incompetent fool, jealous of my position, surely you realise that? He forged that recording you heard. (In a single movement the War Chief leaps onto the ramp and runs up, but is cut off by another two guards who appear from the doorway.) WAR-CHIEF: He wanted to stop the war games! He tried... WAR-LORD: Kill him! (The guards simultaneously open fire on the War Chief and he is consumed in the combined energy bursts, slumping and rolling down the ramp.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15, INT: CENTRAL QUADRANT (The War Chief's dying scream echoes across the corridor to the landing bay.) CARSTAIRS: Doctor! Doctor, that came from the landing bay! DOCTOR: Yes, but they won't be expecting us, come on! (They rush on towards the landing bay.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16, INT: LANDING BAY (The War Lord and the guards stand over the body.) WAR-LORD: Remove the traitor's carcass. (The guards obey.) WAR-LORD: We will return to the home planet and bring back an army to quell this revolt once and for all. (The resistance creep up stealthily from the direction of the central quadrant, remaining concealed. The element of surprise swiftly vanishes as Villar appears the top of the ramp, having gone around the back.) VILLAR: Viva el Villar! (He fires his guns, and the other resistance fighters leap out and begin to brawl with the guards before any of them have the chance to use their stun-guns. Jamie shoots a guard with his rifle, and knocks the stun-gun from the hands of the next one grappling with him. Villar calls down from the ramp.) VILLAR: Out of the way, I shoot the dog! (As another guard makes for the fallen weapon Carstairs steps on his hand, yanks him to his feet and gives him a swift right hook. Jamie's guard forces him to the floor, and is about to bash him with the butt of his own rifle when Russell grabs him from behind. Jamie leaps up and he and Russell take it in turns to slug the poor guard. Carstairs thumps another guard and throws him across the room to Russell and Jamie who each contribute a punch along the way. As Villar holds the War Lord at gunpoint, the Doctor rushes over.) VILLAR: Leave me be, I kill him too! DOCTOR: No-no, that won't be necessary. We'll leave him for the Time Lords to dispose of. RUSSELL: When will they be here Doctor? DOCTOR: I'm going to send for them now. And I want you all to stay here and wait until they come. RUSSELL: And what are you going to do? (The Doctor wrings his hands looking nervous.) DOCTOR: Well I-I cannot stay here. Jamie, Zoe, this is where we say goodbye. JAMIE: W-what are you talking about? DOCTOR: Well the Time Lords will return you home. ZOE: Well why can't we stay with you? DOCTOR: Because when I send this box the Time Lords will know where I am. JAMIE: But I thought they were your people, your-your friends..? DOCTOR: Well yes Jamie, they-they are my people, but... Oh, it'd take too long to explain. I-I have to go! JAMIE: Now look, if you're gonna be in trouble you'll need me to look after you! ZOE: Me too! JAMIE: Aye! DOCTOR: But you don't understand! Oh very well, but don't say I didn't warn you! Right then, we must return to the Nineteen-seventeen Zone and find the TARDIS, and make good our escape. CARSTAIRS: Doctor, can I come back there with you? I'd... I'd rather like to try and find Lady Jennifer. DOCTOR: Oh yes, very well. (He sits on the floor in the lotus position again, places the cube before him and in moments it fades away. Getting up, the Doctor glances around the faces of the resistance members for the last time.) DOCTOR: Well goodbye gentlemen, I'm sorry but I must rush. VILLAR: You leave us? RUSSELL: Yes, what about us? DOCTOR: The Time Lords will return you home! Now come along. (Arturo Villar raises his weapons again.) VILLAR: No! No-one is going anywhere. This Doctor, he cheat us! He resc, er, we rescue him and now he leaves us here to die! RUSSELL: Yes, it's only fair Doctor! If these Time Lords are friends of yours why don't you wait for them to arrive? DOCTOR: But you don't understand Mr Russell! I must go, please! VILLAR: You stay here with us, my friend. DOCTOR: Look, I am not going to argue. Jamie, Zoe, Carstairs. Into the machine. JAMIE: Ah but-but-but Doctor, look he's not joking you know! DOCTOR: For once Jamie, do as you are told! VILLAR: You move and I kill you! DOCTOR: Then you will just have to kill me Mr Villar! VILLAR: Well Mister Doctor, that is just what I will do! (As the Doctor departs Russell and Carstairs grab Villar from behind to prevent him from shooting.) VILLAR: Let me go, I kill him! (Carstairs slips away leaving Villar to Russell, and enters the SIDRAT.) RUSSELL: You can't shoot him in the back, he's done too much for us. VILLAR: Ah the back, the front - what's the difference?! (The door scrapes close and with a blasting of finely tuned temporal engines the SIDRAT vanishes.) RUSSELL: It's too late now anyway. (The War Lord looks over from where he is being guarded.) WAR-LORD: Don't worry, when the Time Lords get him he'll wish you had killed him. (All around the air has become thicker and a little more distorted as the sound of an ethereal howling begins to echo around the landing bay. The War Lord looks up.) WAR-LORD: They're coming. [SCENE_BREAK] 17, EXT: NO-MAN'S LAND (All around the air of the Nineteen-seventeen Zone is still and perfectly silent. Carstairs, and the trio stumble down a slaggy slope.) CARSTAIRS: Fighting's stopped. DOCTOR: Yes, well goodbye Lieutenant. JAMIE: Eh? DOCTOR: There's the TARDIS there. We-we've got to get on. (He shakes Carstairs by the hand and rushes off.) CARSTAIRS: Goodbye Doctor. ZOE: Oh but Doctor, wait! (She turns to Carstairs.) ZOE: Goodbye! (And scrambles after the Doctor.) JAMIE: Oh, bye Lieutenant. (Jamie shakes his hand and follows the others.) CARSTAIRS: Bye... JAMIE: Er... (Jamie scrambles after the Doctor and Zoe. Carstairs waves at them with a curious expression on his face, and then fades into nothingness. Jamie, who has looked back for a moment, resumes his flight to the TARDIS with the others.) JAMIE: Hey he-he's... (The air has suddenly turned to treacle. Every step and word seems to string out into eternity. Their voices slur as they talk, as if they were a record being played at the wrong speed.) DOCTOR: Come..on! (A few yards from the TARDIS the howling force of relative time dilation descends upon them like an invisible predator. They desperately fight the turgid haze for each step closer to the sanctuary of the tall, blue box.) DOCTOR: Come...on! ZOE: What...is...it? DOCTOR: Time...Lords! Try...harder! We...must...get...away! (They stumble before the TARDIS.) DOCTOR: We...must...get...away! (They are all feeling a greater effect from the Time Lord's power now, steadily pressing them ever increasing strength. On his hands and knees the Doctor manages to push the key into the lock of the Police Box, but even this small effort seems to have taken every ounce of strength he has. His hand slowly slips down the face of the TARDIS, his many travels ending face-down in the primitive mud-churned battlefield of an alien world.)	Plan: A: his loyalty; Q: What is the Doctor ordered to prove to the Aliens? A: the Doctor; Q: Who is ordered to reprocess his friends? A: the Security Chief; Q: Who uncovers evidence of the War Chief's treachery? Summary: To prove his loyalty to the Aliens, the Doctor is ordered to reprocess his friends while the Security Chief finally uncovers evidence of the War Chief's treachery.
[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Sheik Rashid: I demand to sit down with President Jamal Al Fayeed. Jamal: He demands? Barry: This is it. You can finish something our father couldn't. Jamal: Where should we start? Sheik Rashid: If you allow there to be open and free elections for the office of President of Abbudin. Tariq: The constitution does not call for these elections. And in fact, may have created for ourselves the mechanism of our own demise. Katerina: No hello? No "I missed you"? Barry: There are people that have come from all over the world to see you do what you are about to do; You are making history today. (Sheik Rashid violently coughs) (Jamal grunts) (Sheik Rashid gagging) (Jamal grunts) (Indistinct conversation) John: Well, Sheik Rashid may have been trying to stir the pot when he called you Jamal's lion tamer, but he wasn't wrong, huh? Barry: Can we all stop talking about that? John: A lot of people in this room... would've never believed that he'd go for this kind of political reform. And if you hadn't brought him to the table, I suspect some of them might have forced the issue. Barry: What do you mean, "forced the issue"? John: Jamal's lucky you're here. Let's leave it at that. Barry: Don't underestimate my brother. (Clamoring) Molly: Sheik Rashid just collapsed in the men's room... they're saying he's dead. Barry: Jesus. What happened? Namir: He must have fallen. He's not breathing. Ihab: No, no, no! You don't touch my father! Barry: We're both doctors. Molly: He needs help. Namir: Ihab, Ihab, please. Molly: His forehead is contused. Ihab: You, you, you saw no one coming in and out of here after my father, hmm? Security guard: No, sir. Ihab: No one?! I want full access to the security videos. Jamal: Ihab... I'll personally make sure you get everything you need. Molly: Wait, wait, I got a pulse. It's thready, but it's definitely there; He's in respiratory arrest. Barry: How far out are the EMTs? Security guard: They're coming up now. Molly: Okay, begin CPR. Someone keep his neck stable. Give me your phone, I'll page Dr. Mansour. He's chief of neurology at the hospital. (Jamal sighs) Emma: You're at the airport? Jenna: I'm about to make my connection in Heathrow. I almost missed my flight; saved by mechanical trouble again. How's that for dumb luck? (Panting) Sorry, it's in here somewhere. Emma: Hey, aunt Jenna's coming. Sammy: Here? When? Emma: Now. Sammy: Aw, you got to hand it to her. Emma (Sighs): The thing is, this really isn't such a good time to visit. Jenna: Oh, and, Em... Don't tell your mother. I want to surprise her. Emma: Because you know how much mom loves surprises. Jenna: Love you, guys. (Laughing): Very excited. (Phone beeps) (Ihab sighs) Ihab: Bring it to me. Because I want to see it for myself. (Phone beeps) Hmm. My people have reviewed the security video from the hotel. Namir: And? Ihab: And... father was alone... in the bathroom. (Ihab sighs) Namir: You seem disappointed. Ihab: No. Namir: Ihab. There's been no evidence of foul play. Ihab (Whispers): I don't trust the Al Fayeeds. Namir: Those Al Fayeeds just saved our father's life. (Ihab scoffs) (Jamal sniffs) (Tires screech) (Engine shuts off) (Door opens) Jamal: Are you coming? Leila: And pretend to be concerned about the sheik's well-being? Maybe this is Allah's way of telling you how foolish this election is. Jamal: You finished? Leila: Take me back to the palace. Mansour: There was significant subdural swelling, so we had to induce a coma to relieve the pressure on the brain stem, so his condition is stable, at least for now. Ihab: So... from everything... ...from... everything you have seen you are sure he fell? Mansour: We won't know exactly what happened until he is conscious. Usually the drugs take 24 hours to wear off and then we will get a sense of really what we are looking at here. Namir: But he will wake up? Mansour: Look, he is not young and he has preexisting medical issues. But if there are no further complications, I am reasonably hopeful that he will regain consciousness. Jamal: Out of respect for your father's condition, I have postponed the signing. If there is anything you need, anything at all, just ask. I have put the hospital staff on notice as well. Namir: Thank you. Thank you, Mr. President. Jamal: May I have a word, Bassam? (Jamal groans) So... the doctor said he could still wake up? Barry: He could, but given his age, it's, you know... Jamal: So, you don't think so? Barry: Jamal, I don't know. Jamal: If you were to guess 50-50, 60-40? Barry: Is this why you brought me in here? Jamal: I needed 100%. Barry (Scoffs): Look... Look, I want him to wake up, too, but, uh, he's an old man, so... Jamal: I need it to be 100% that he doesn't. Barry: Why? Jamal: What difference does it make? It's what I need. He just can't wake up. Who knows what he's going to say. He could lie... try and blame everything that's happened to him on me. Barry: Jamal, what did you do? Jamal: He was mocking me. Barry: Okay. So, what did you do? When the sheik wakes up, what is he going to say? Jamal: He's not going to wake up, Bassam. You're my brother; I need you to see to it. I already took care of the security video at the hotel. Barry: Oh, my God. Jamal: The sheiks trust you. They think you saved their father's life. You just slip into the room... Give him something... Finish the job. I'll sign the amendment. We'll hold the elections, just like you planned, just like you want. Barry: Do you hear yourself? Jamal: Fine. Let's just let him wake up. Tell his story, forget your precious elections. Let's have a civil war. This what you want? (Barry groans) Barry: You know what I want? (Sighs) I want to go home. I'm done here. Jamal: Fine. Go. Run away, Bassam, like you always do. It's all your fault anyway. These elections were a stupid idea. Barry: All the king's horses and all the king's men... (Scoffs) I finally get it, Jamal. I do. You're broken. And I can't fix you. S01E07 Leila: I'm not normally superstitious, Jamal, I don't believe in signs or symbols, but... This accident could be an omen we should heed. Jamal: Did you know we have a compound in the Maldives? Leila: Did you hear what I just said? This is an opportunity for you to call off these ridiculous elections. Jamal: It just sits there, untouched, unoccupied. Palm trees... Swaying in the wind. I was 11 the last time I was there. I spent the whole day... making this. That's the last time I felt completely free. We should go. Tonight. Leila: To the Maldives? (Jamal sighs) Jamal: We can lay on the beach naked. No one will even know who we are. We'll be anonymous. Leila: Why would you want to be anonymous? You are an Al Fayeed. Jamal: In my lifetime, I have killed seven people. Did you know that? Seven. Six... on the field of battle. One in a bar in Tangiers. One of my own men called my father an exterminator. I crushed his skull with a table leg. Leila: Why are you telling me this? Jamal: Because I want you to know I... know how to kill a man. I know what death feels like when it's present. I think I must have confused the smell of old age... of infirmity... with death. When I heard the sound his skull made against the tile, I was sure he was dead. (Sighs) Apparently I... I was wrong. It wasn't even something I planned. Leila: Oh, my God, Jamal. Jamal: If he wakes up, everyone will know this horrible thing I did. Leila: It's not horrible. It's beautiful. That man? That is the man I married. Jamal doesn't give power. He takes power. And if the people rise up, you'll bring them down. And if the world hates us, you'll just build a beautiful new hospital. Jamal: Bassam says I'm broken. Leila: Bassam has been poisoning your mind with foolish ideas. We don't need him. We can do anything together. Jamal: Well... let's go to the Maldives. Tonight. I'll call for the plane. Where's the telephone? Leila: Jamal. What's wrong with you? We are in the middle of a crisis, we can't just leave. Jamal: Why not? You just said we can do anything we want. Leila: I need to prepare a draft for the speech when the sheik dies or... for when he doesn't. You had enough. (Phone rings) Barry: Hey. I'm, uh, sorry I ran away without saying good-bye. Molly: I understand. Honey, uh, the sheik seems to have stabilized a bit. Brain swelling's down slightly. So that's good news. Barry: Yeah. Yeah, good news. Molly: Listen, we're shorthanded. I'm probably pulling an all-nighter, if you can believe it. Barry: Sure, uh, we'll talk tomorrow. Molly: Okay. Hey, Barry? It's gonna be okay. I love you. Barry: I love you, too. Amira: Molly? (Barry sighs deeply) You look tired. Barry: It's, uh... It's been a bad day. Amira: What happened to Sheik Rashid? Are we absolutely sure that there was no foul play? Barry: What are you talking about? Amira: Do you think what happened today was an accident? Barry: Why would you ask me that? Amira: 20 years ago, your father tried to sit down with Sheik Rashid to end a civil war. Just as you are doing now. And just as happened to you, fate intervened. (Barry laughs) Barry: What do you mean, fate intervened? The Rashids bombed an army barracks and my father responded by gassing his own people. Is that what you call fate? Amira: That's not what happened. (Barry scoffs) Really? History is almost never the story of what actually happened, Bassam. It wasn't sheik Rashid or his followers who bombed our soldiers. Barry: Then, who was it? Amira: Your Uncle Tariq. He bombed his own barracks and blamed the sheik. All in order to scuttle the peace talks. Barry: I don't believe you. Amira: And when your father refused to take the bait, Tariq gassed Ma'an without your father's consent. Barry: You knew this whole time... and you didn't tell me? I have spent my entire life ashamed of my father. Hating him for something you now say he didn't do. Amira: Bassam. Barry: I-I always knew that the Al Fayeeds had a special talent for cruelty, but this... Amira: Your father forbade me. And he was afraid that knowing the truth would put you in danger. Tariq is the most dangerous man you know. It is entirely within the realm of possibility that he tried to kill the sheik. (Barry laughing) Barry: Tariq didn't kill the sheik, mother. Amira: How can you be sure? Barry: Because the sheik would be dead. Does Jamal know? Amira: No. Barry: Besides you and Tariq, who else knows the truth about Ma'an? Yussef: I understand. Don't worry. He's here now. Barry: My mother? Yussef: Bassam... Barry: How-how did you work alongside my Uncle all these years? H-how does he say something about the weather or-or what you had for lunch and you smile? Yussef: To survive, you do what you have to do. Barry: So... so it turns out that my-my father was the soft one. The man of peace. Yussef: So far as he could be. So far as this place would allow. I'm so sorry, Bassam. Barry: He died knowing that I hated him. Yussef: Maybe you can finally come to terms with him. Barry: No. No, he-he makes even less sense to me now than he did before. He was... he was cold, he was cruel, he was distant. He humiliated Jamal. And look how well my brother learned from him. He put a gun in my hand when I was ten years old. Yussef: As I recall, you picked up the gun yourself. Barry: To save my brother. Now, h-how does a man that works for peace make his child into a murderer? Yussef: To prepare you for the world you were born into. To teach you the rules. Those who are feared make peace; those who are not get killed. That's why your father and your Uncle could work together, even after the betrayal. Your father could be kind because your Uncle was cruel. Barry: No. No, it's... Yussef: No, what? It's not neat? It's not simple? Here nothing is black and white. Nothing! Barry: So this makes sense to you, does it? Yussef: In its way, yes. Barry: And the man I killed, how do I make sense of that? Malik Hassad. That was the name of the man I shot. Yussef: I remember. Barry: I want you to get me the address of his family. [SCENE_BREAK] Katerina: Hey, you. I thought our date was Tuesday. Jamal: I needed a vacation. Katerina: Well, I'm glad that I was home. Jamal: I had to get away from everyone who expects something from me. Katerina: Well, you can hide inside me. (Chuckles) Jenna: Shut... the front... door. Shut the solid gold, ivory-inlaid front... this is so much nicer than my studio. Though I do have a great view of a bus stop. Sammy: Yeah, I guess it takes some getting used to. Jenna: It's funny. I never thought your dad was that great of a catch. Emma: Not that you're the best judge. Jenna: That is so true. So where's your mom? Sammy: The hospital. Started working there a couple weeks ago. Jenna: Of course she did. You know what I just realized? I've never been the guest of a dictator before. (Moaning, grunting) (Panting) Katerina: That was something. Jamal: (Sighs) No. Katerina: What, you don't think so? (Sighs) Whatever demons you're exorcizing, I wish they haunted you every time. Jamal: If I... weren't president... would you say that? Katerina: What? Jamal: Would you flatter me? Would I be here, with you, like this, if I wasn't the president? Katerina: What kind of a question is that? Would you be here with me if I wasn't pretty? I mean, we are who we are. I don't know. Jamal: So it matters to you. Katerina: That you're the president? I couldn't care less. In here, you're just a man that I love being with. Jamal: That's good. Because I don't really like being president. I don't think it's good for me. (Sighs) I'm not very good at it. I would walk away from all of this in a heartbeat and never look back. Have you ever been to the Maldives? Katerina: The Maldives? Jamal: They are islands in the middle of the Indian Ocean... Katerina: Mm-hmm. Jamal:...with the most beautiful beaches you've ever seen. Miles, Katerina, miles of white sand, gentle waves. (Chuckles) Would you come with me? Katerina: Stop teasing me. Jamal: I'm not teasing you. Katerina: Mmm? Jamal: I show you something. (Grunts, sniffs) (Katerina chuckles) (Jamal chuckles) I made this when I was... 11 years old. Katerina: It's beautiful. Jamal: What if we went there together and never came back? Katerina: Mmm. (Both chuckle) Jamal: What would you miss? Katerina: Um, I'd miss my cat. Jamal: Okay. (Katerina chuckles) Ask me what I would miss. The country? The people? I wouldn't miss them. Not for a second. Katerina: That can't be true. Jamal: You know what I miss? I miss me. I miss me being happy. Katerina: Well, how do you know the Maldives would make you happy? (Jamal Sighs) Because that's the last time I was happy. I'm still the president. Say yes. Malik: Please, I have a family. No, please. No. (Gunshot) Please. (Gunshot) Barry: Hi, uh, I'm sorry to bother you. I'm looking for the family of Malik Hassad. Woman: Oh, they don't live here anymore. Not for a long time. Barry: Do you know what happened to them? Woman: You know the father was shot for being a traitor? Barry: Yeah. Yeah, I heard, um... What about his wife and children? Woman: Uh, they moved away. Afraid the government would come looking for them. Barry: Right. Woman: The family that moved in after were all killed in the gas attack. All around here, all these houses. Everyone died. But not the Hassads. They escaped. (Man praying in arabic) (Fauzi chuckles) Barry: Don't say it. I know. Fauzi: I thought I was seeing things. Barry: It's been a long time. Fauzi: It feels good, doesn't it? Why are you here, Bassam? Why today? Barry: I finally reached my tipping point. Fauzi: You know, I... I heard about the sheik. I know how much you invested in this. Barry: You think you get a handle on this place, you... you think you know how to get from point "a" to point "b." And then it punishes you for your arrogance. It is an unwinnable game. Fauzi: Oh, you don't know that. This game is not over yet. Bassam, this place is messy. And I don't know how tomorrow will be, and... and when the sun goes down, it will set on a thousand things that I could never have predicted. But since you came home, my friend, I'm looking forward to it. Tomorrow. With hope. (Short laugh) For the first time in 20 years, I have hope. Barry: Oh, don't say that. Fauzi: It's true. Forget about certainty. Hope is enough. Jenna: This place is amazing. Your life is amazing. Molly: It's very complicated. Jenna: Everyone's life is complicated. Mine's complicated and boring. Complicated and intermittently depressing. You should get some perspective. Molly: I know, I have perspective. Jenna: Emma and Sammy told me all about what you're doing. You're hardly just a doctor, sis. All the work with the world health organization. And Barry's political stuff. You were always way too modest. Molly: I'm actually really happy to see your face. It feels a little bit like home. It hasn't been easy here these past couple months. I mean, I thought I was coming here on vacation, you know? For a week. Well, it's going a lot better now. I think we found our footing, all of us, and... it'll be good for Sammy and Emma that you're here. Jenna: I'd like to stay. Molly: Yeah, of course. I'm not gonna put you in a hotel. We have plenty of room. Plenty of rooms. Jenna: No, I'd like to... stay. Molly: How long... what about your job? Jenna: I can't work at a place that doesn't respect me. Molly: You could try. Jenna: My boss came on to me, and when I told him no, he fired me. Molly: Well, you should sue him, then. Jenna: And we had an affair in between and I broke up his marriage and then I thought that was a mistake. I'm not in love with this guy. So... I need some time to clear my head. Mol. Please? You always end up on your feet. And I end up on my ass. You can afford to pick me up, every once in a while. Molly: I always pick you up. I got to get back to work. Barry: Namir. Any change? Namir: No. Which Dr. Mansour says is a good thing. Barry: Would you mind if I... if I spent a few minutes with your father? There's something I want to say to him. Namir: Sure, please. Barry: Thank you. Ihab: Hey, Amriki. I, um... I've lived my whole life hating your family. Barry: I understand. More than you know. Ihab: Hmm. I still believe that the time for your family's rule, it is coming to an end. But... I am grateful to you for bringing my father back to me. Please. (Pulls chair) Barry: I don't know if you can hear me. There's something I need to tell you. It wasn't my father who ordered the gas attack on ma'an. Who betrayed you and sabotaged the peace process. It was my Uncle. (Short laugh) Probably makes no difference to you, you... you probably think that one Al Fayeed is pretty much interchangeable with another, but, um... But to me it makes all the difference. Because it means... That my father meant what he said to you 20 years ago. He wanted to make peace. I have a chance... to finish what he started. To do what you and I talked about when we walked in your garden that night. But I know you're the only one in the way of making that happen. I know I have no right to take what I'm taking. And I have racked my brain trying to think of any other way. But the worst thing about evil... is that it forces you to become evil in return. (Exhales) It won't happen right away. It may take a few hours. But you won't feel any pain. If you can hear me... I hope you can forgive me. Or at least understand why I'm doing this. (Sniffles) I want you to know that you're dying as you lived... for the people of Ma'an. (Exhales) (Sighs) (Phone vibrating) (Beep) Jamal: Hello? Barry: Jamal. It's me. Jamal: Yeah. Barry: That, um... situation that you wanted me to handle... It's done. Jamal: What do you mean, "done"? Barry: I mean the man that you were worried about... He's gone. Or will be in the next few hours. Jamal: You... You did it, Bassam? Barry: Yes. Jamal: For me? (Sighs) Barry: Yes. (Exhales, chuckles) Jamal: Oh, Bassam. I... I thought you'd leave again. Barry: I know I said that, but, um... Jamal: You love me. Barry: We're brothers. Are-are you at the palace? Jamal: No. Why? Barry: Because when this happens, you're gonna need to make a statement. About how much you admired him. And about how much he will be missed. Jamal: Yeah. Of course. I'll be there soon. Listen, Bassam... I love you. Thank you. Katerina: Was that the pilot? They getting the plane ready? No one's ever left anyone for me before much less a whole country. (Chuckles) (Exhales) I was just dreaming that we were in the Maldives. I swear, it was so real. I could... hear the waves and... feel the sand on my feet. It was the most beautiful place I've ever been. (Muffled shout) (Grunting) (Muffled shouting) Barry: One more. Man: Right away. Barry: You know what, forget it. Just-just bring me the bottle. (Phone rings) Barry: Hey. Um, sorry I didn't call you back. I've been... uh, dealing with some things. Molly: I know. So, guess who rolled into town on her train of disaster. Barry: Molly, let's-let's talk about it later, okay? Molly: Yeah. Barry... (Alarm beeping) Doctor: He's coding! Load an amp of epi. Come on! (Beeping faster) Doctor: Keep trying. (Flatline tone) Molly: I got this. I'll take over. I'll take over. (Flatline continues) (Line ringing) John: Hello? Barry: Tucker. Listen, I need you to meet me in the Plaza. John: It's 4:00 in the morning. Barry: Yesterday at the signing you said there were people who didn't think my brother was up to the job. I need their names. John: Why? Barry, what's going on? Barry: Jamal can't run this country. I know that now.	Plan: A: Jamal's attack; Q: What event caused Sheik Rashid to still be alive? A: Jamal's dismay; Q: What is Rashid's discovery of his existence cause? A: Bassam; Q: Who is asked to kill Rashid? A: the peace; Q: What does Jamal want to continue? A: a long-hidden secret; Q: What does Bassam's mother reveal about the events of twenty years ago? A: a tailspin; Q: What does Bassam go into when his mother reveals the secret? Summary: Shortly after Jamal's attack on Sheik Rashid, he is found and is discovered to still be alive, much to Jamal's dismay, so he begs Bassam to kill Rashid before he awakens if he wants the peace to continue. While Bassam is hesitant, his mother soon reveals a long-hidden secret about the events twenty years ago, soon forcing Bassam into a tailspin trying to figure out what he believes.
"Woman in the Tunnel" [SCENE_BREAK] ACT ONE (Open: Booth and Brennan are walking through a sewer system with various and usual law enforcement personell, etc. at the scene of a crime.) BRENNAN: Where are we? BOOTH: Apparently, this was an access shaft to an underwater aqueduct which has never been activated. BRENNAN: No, no, I mean where are we geographically? BOOTH: Oh, somewhere beneath Wisconsin and Massachusetts Avenue near the National Cathedral. ZACK: How far down? We seem very far down. BOOTH: Oh, about 60 feet so far. ZACK: Is there any other way? BOOTH: It's a giant maze down here, but this was the fastest way to get to the body. BRENNAN: I've done plenty of climbing. These lines have low tolerances that are more than adequate. ZACK: What about shock tolerance? The rope jerks, pounds-feet of kinetic energy increases and snap- we fall to our deaths. BOOTH: Oh... Okay. I say we just stop the chatter. (Cut to: A badly decayed body covered in rats, feeding on the rotting flesh.) COP: Two city workers found it. DC public works are under federal jurisdiction, so this is your party. BOOTH: Oh... Any idea what's at the top of that shaft? COP: Utility tunnel for accessing steam pipes. BRENNAN: May I borrow your gun? BOOTH: Why do you want my gun? BRENNAN: I'm not going to shoot anyone. I promise. BOOTH: It's not a hammer or anything. BRENNAN: We've been working together for months, Booth. A little trust would be nice. BOOTH: Careful. BRENNAN: Here. Hold this. (Shoots the gun a few times at the rats, then hands it back to Booth.) BRENNAN: Now they'll eat each other and leave our remains alone. BOOTH: You know, you do know I have to file a report with the review board each time I discharges a round from my weapon. BRENNAN: Pictures, Zack. The rats scattered the remains, so give me a five-meter radius. The velocity of the fall shattered her body on impact. Tibia's and fibula's broken below the knees, vertebrae compressed and shattered... BOOTH: Her? BRENNAN: Yeah. I just hope that she was dead before the rats got to her. BOOTH: Oh, God. Any idea how long she's been down here? BRENNAN: We should have some answers when Hodgins analyzes the bugs, but rats can strip a body in days. BOOTH: Shirt, pants, but no jacket or shoes. No way rats can carry that off. BRENNAN: Excuse me! Sir? Sir! BOOTH: Hey, what the hell? Bones! Easy! Bones, what the hell are you doing? Bones! (Catches up with her.) BOOTH: You don't just go running after guys into the dark. BRENNAN:He didn't need any light. He knew exactly where he was going. BOOTH: Yeah, that's creepy. BRENNAN: He lives down here. ACT TWO (Cut to Medico-Legal Lab with Zach, Hodgins, Brennan and Booth.) BRENNAN: Her name is Marni Hunter, 24. 1.7 meters tall, left-handed. Documentary filmmaker. BOOTH: Fiancee reported her missing ten days ago. BRENNAN: The police find the guy? BOOTH: Your mole man? No. HODGINS: I've heard of those people. They patch into electrical grids down there. Some can even tap cable. I'd set time of death at about ten days, when the Missing Persons Report was filed. BOOTH: You sure? HODGINS: See the ratio of fly larvae to Silphidae beetles? BOOTH: Yeah. Ten days. I believe you. BRENNAN: She fell approximately 40 feet and landed feet first, which explained the crushed tibias. BOOTH: That what killed her? BRENNAN: Not necessarily. Her skull sustained traumatic injuries that are inconsistent with a feet-first fall. ZACK: We found blood traces and bone chips on pieces of exposed pipe and rebar jutting from the side of the ventilation shaft. BOOTH: So that's what killed her? BRENNAN: No, not necessarily. ZACK: The fingernails are totally clean. BRENNAN: If she were falling, she would claw at the wall to slow her descent. It's an instinctual response. BOOTH: So she was dead before the fall. BRENNAN: No. Not necessarily. BOOTH: Bones. Please. Just tell me. BRENNAN: She may have simply been unconscious.(Cut to: Booth's office.)BOOTH: Mr. Garfield, why did you wait two days to file the Missing Persons Report on your fiancee? GARFIELD: Marni is a documentary filmmaker... or was. She was very dedicated to work. She immersed herself in each project. It's not odd for her to stay out in the field without coming home. BRENNAN: You get invested in your work, time has a way of getting away from you. GARFILED: That's what Marni... always said. BOOTH:You didn't worry about her down there? GARFIELD: She's been all over the world. Rwanda, Latin America, the Balkans, the Middle East. I was just glad to have her home. BOOTH: You two were engaged. GARFILED: And we'd finally set a date. BOOTH: I'm very sorry for your loss. BRENNAN: Was it her work that took her down into the tunnels? GARFILED: Her latest project the last couple of months is about the maze of tunnels beneath the city. That's what she'd cut together so far. (Booth hits the remote which shows footage of what Marni had recorded.) GARFIELD: I told her to be careful. You know, a lot of those guys are pretty nuts. BRENNAN: That's fascinating. A fully functional shadow society. Did you ever go down there with her? BOOTH: Who did she work with? GARFIELD: Marni worked alone. She did her own camerawork and sound. It was very raw. That's her style. She never appeared on camera in her own work. She thought the documentary should be about the subject, not the filmmaker. BRENNAN: That's true. As an anthropologist, you try to immerse yourself in a culture without distorting it with your own presence. It's another reason to work alone. BOOTH: So you found her at the bottom of an air shaft? GARFIELD: You think that one of these people... BRENNAN: Her skull has some unexplained damage. The shattering on the right... BOOTH: We're still investigating, Mr. Garfield. (The tape is still playing and Brennan notices something.) BRENNAN: Wait a minute. Wait! Freeze. That's the man I saw in the tunnel. BOOTH: Marni ever mention this particular guy to you? GARFIELD: No. The blonde woman is Helen something. She's a social worker, I think in the shelter over on 26th. (Cut to: the sewers again with Helen, Booth and Brennan.) HELEN: Marni came to the shelter. She heard I worked with what she called "the mole people. " She asked me to introduce her to them. BOOTH: Spend a lot of time down here? HELEN: Mmm. It's kind of my beat, I guess you'd say. BRENNAN: Did you resent Marni's intrusion? HELEN: Why do you ask? BRENNAN: It's an ordered society. Marni and her cameras might have been disruptive in some way. HELEN: Well, these people are here for a reason. And in my opinion, they have a right to their privacy. I respect that. I'm not sure a documentary filmmaker does. BOOTH: She disruptive enough to make any enemies? HELEN: Perhaps. It's tough to know these people. BRENNAN: Well, isn't that what Marni was trying to do? Get to know these people? Explain them to the rest of the world? HELEN: Well, no offense, Doctor Brennan, but I find that a bit naive. Her job was to sell her films. What she was doing was exploitive. Maybe one of these people agreed with you. There's the man you're looking for. Harold Overmeyer. Marni called him "the mayor of Mole Town". I imagine she thought that was clever. BRENNAN: He's mediating a dispute. He has alpha male status. BOOTH: How did Harold respond to her? HELEN: My impression was he liked her. But again, nobody really knows these people. (They walk down the stairs towards the man Brennan saw earlier, Harold.) HELEN: I brought you some food, Harold. HAROLD: Eh... I have enough food. What do you want? BOOTH: I'd like to ask you a few questions. HAROLD: Well, I'm not required to answer any questions. I'm not required... HELEN: That's correct. Harold has rights. BOOTH: Ms. Bronson, you want to please take a step back? You're interfering with a criminal investigation. (Talks to Harold) BOOTH: Did you know Marni Hunter? You saw what happened to Marni, didn't you? HAROLD: You guys are trespassing. Go away. BOOTH: Okay, buddy, that's it. Let's go. BRENNAN: Whoa... Booth. This man is obviously someone important down here. BOOTH:Important? He lives in a cardboard box underground. BRENNAN: In this society he has status. Give him his due. Treat him with respect. BOOTH: Okay, Mr. Overmeyer. We got off on the wrong foot. I'm Special Agent Seeley Booth from the Federal Bureau of Investigation and I would appreciate it very, very much if you would grant us the advantage of your expertise as we investigate Marni Hunter's death. HAROLD: Fair enough. BOOTH: Oh. BRENNAN: Mr. Overmeyer, I saw you in the tunnel over near where we found Marni Hunter's remains. HAROLD: Checking the tunnels. BRENNAN: Checking the tunnels, or checking on Marni? HAROLD: I warned her. BRENNAN: So... you two were friends beyond being observer and observed? HAROLD: You talk like her. Are you making a documentary, too? BRENNAN: No, but there are things I need to understand. (Booth walks to observe Harold's things.) HAROLD: That's my stuff. BOOTH: Bones. Harold, is this, uh, Marni's video camera? HAROLD: You'd better go now. You can go now! BRENNAN: Booth, this clothing has blood all over it. BOOTH: Give him his due, huh? BRENNAN: I think it belonged to Marni Hunter. BOOTH: You know what? Afraid you're going to have to come with us, pal. HAROLD: What?! No! I- I can't leave! BRENNAN: Bone fragments. HAROLD: I can't leave! BRENNAN: Let's get this back to the lab. HAROLD: No! You don't understand! She would have wanted me to have that stuff. She would have wanted me to have that. (Cut to: Interrogationroom with a lawyer and Booth along wth Harold.) HAROLD: You know, I find scrap metal. That's all. That's why I go deep. LAWYER: You don't have to say anything you don't want to, Mr. Overmeyer. BOOTH: You're not here because you scavenge. You know that. HAROLD: I- It's too bright in here! Too- too bright in here! BOOTH: I know you have a distinguished military record, Harold. 10th Special Forces Group. You know, I was with the Rangers. HAROLD: What, so, you... you gonna tell me, uh, "Harold, I know what you been through. I been there, too, you know? I know how you ended up how you ended up". You telling me that? BOOTH: Yeah. I'm telling you that. HAROLD: I killed people. BOOTH: You saved five of your men. HAROLD: By shooting a pregnant woman. BOOTH: She had a grenade in her hand. HAROLD: She had a child in her arms. I shot her and... the grenade went off. She died right away. That kid...took awhile. He kept looking at me, but I... BOOTH: You did what a soldier had to do. HAROLD: Yeah. You know... I was a good soldier- I was a very good soldier-but a pretty bad human being. Pretty bad human being. BOOTH: What happened to Marni? HAROLD: I... I hadn't seen her in days, you know? That's why I went to go take a look. Rats were all over her, man. All over her. BOOTH:How did you end up with her things? HAROLD: Oh, you know, I was going to sell them. I mean, she would have wanted me to have those. BOOTH: So you had nothing to do with her death? HAROLD: I, um... I... I gave her something. And that's why she died. BOOTH: What did you give her? LAWYER: Mr. Overmeyer, I'm advising you not to say anything else. HAROLD: You know what? I think it's best, um...I not talk about this anymore. Not cause any more trouble. I... I got to go. BOOTH: No, Harold, you can't, all right? Not yet. You got... HAROLD: Too bright in here! I got to go! BOOTH: Harold... (Harold tries to leave, but Booth slams him chest-first onto the table.) HAROLD: I never wanted her to die. She wouldn't listen! I warned... (Cut to MEdico-Legal Lab. Music plays as the Squints woek on their tasks. Music fades as Angela walks to Brennan's office.) BRENNAN: I finished the skull. We still have some pieces missing, but we should be able to determine cause of death. ANGELA: You haven't eaten anything all day. Now, I have some killer yellowtail here and spicy tuna rolls. BRENNAN: Time gets away from me sometimes. WHAT What? ANGELA: The victim used to say that. You think that homeless mole-guy killed her? BRENNAN: Booth does. ANGELA: Well, he had her camera and her bloody clothes. Plus, he's killed people before. BRENNAN: As a soldier. Socially sanctioned. ANGELA: Booth has killed people as a law enforcer. What if, from mole-man's point of view, Marni was a criminal? BRENNAN: Marni Hunter was an observer-by definition, passive. ANGELA: Like you? BRENNAN: Yes. Exactly. Are you getting at something? ANGELA: Just that I wish you were a little more scared, Brennan. BRENNAN: I'm careful. ANGELA: Running after a murderer in the dark is not being an observer. BRENNAN: Booth told you about that? ANGELA: More and more of your work is outside of this lab, running after bad guys. Just promise me you'll be careful. BRENNAN: Every society has its fringe dwellers, and every society fears its fringe dwellers. Usually because they are the example of what happens when you fail in that society. But they are seldom dangerous in reality. ANGELA: Brennan, I understand that this is what you do when things get too close to home You get all analytical and academic. I just want you to know that maybe Marni Hunter did the same thing. And now she's dead. (Cut to the Medico-Lehal Lab with Zach and Hodgins.) ZACK: We got most of the skull. There's just a piece missing about the size of a quarter. HODGINS: Why are missing pieces always the size of quarters? Why are tumors always the size of grapefruits? ZACK: Those are rhetorical questions I'm not supposed to answer, right? These are not simply random abrasions. HODGINS What are they? ZACK: Marni's skull was fractured by a midair impact during her fall. That's evidenced by the radiating fractures centered above her right temporal bone, but this damage is isolated on the left side of her skull. HODGINS: A girl can't bang both sides of her head as she falls down a shaft? ZACK: From the fracture pattern, it appears to be a sharp, pointed weapon. HODGINS: Brennan mentioned that Harold said he had given the victim something he wished he hadn't. Could this have been it? ZACK: Fragments of Latin. HODGINS: Roman numerals. ZACK: You know who knows about that kind of stuff? HODGINS: You show it to him. ZACK: No. I am not taking possession of that piece of evidence. You show it to him. GOODMAN: Armor- a Roman cuirass. Doric columns common to Rome around the first century BC. HODGINS: Crazy mole-guy gave something to the victim he thinks could have gotten her killed. Of course, he's crazy. GOODMAN: This could be valuable. Let's have Ms. Montenegro X-ray it. Stress from the initial pressing should provide a clear picture of what's been worn away. HODGINS: I was hoping you'd take possession of this piece of evidence. GOODMAN: And the paperwork that goes along with it. I wasn't born yesterday, Dr. Hodgins. (Cut to: Angela's office with Angela, Hodgins, and Goodman.) HODGINS: Well, you don't really need me for this. ANGELA: Yes, I do. HODGINS: Why? ANGELA: Because I have not taken official possession of this piece of evidence. GOODMAN: Fascinating. ANGELA: 1778. GOODMAN: It appears to be an official seal of some kind. Oh, my God! ANGELA: Aren't you going to go after him? HODGINS: Nope. ANGELA: Why not? GOODMAN: Because he is now officially in charge of that medallion. (Cut to: Brennan's office with Goodman, Brennan and Booth.) BRENNAN: Treasure? GOODMAN: It's an official vault seal, manufactured by the War Office. It was established in 1778. The Latin sigal and thesaur tie it to the treasury. BOOTH: A bank vault kind of a vault. GOODMAN: Much better. The War Office established several vaults under the city to safe keep cultural treasures. BRENNAN: They must all be empty by now. GOODMAN: No, no. Several were unaccounted for after a series of cave-ins and mudslides in the early 1900s. BOOTH: So you're saying this seal came off a vault full of treasure buried beneath the city? GOODMAN: It could contain currency, gold ingots, paintings and engravings. The original draft of Lincoln's inaugural address was never recovered. This could be an extraordinary find. We have to find these artifacts before they're stolen or sold off. BOOTH What's the monetary value of this thing? GOODMAN: Priceless. You can't put a value on our cultural heritage. BOOTH: Well, I think someone did. That's why Marni's dead. ACT THREE (Cut to: interrogation room with Harold, Booth and Brennan.) BOOTH: Harold, was this what you gave Marni Hunter? HAROLD: Yeah. She liked it. BOOTH Where did you get it? HARLD: Beyond the perimeter. BRENNAN Harold? Harold, you have to trust us. We just want to find who killed Marni. And you can help. You killed people. Maybe this is your chance to put that right. You said you wish you hadn't given it to her. Why? BOOTH: Did you take it from someone? HAROLD: The blonde. It was hers. And I shouldn't have taken it. BRENNAN: A blonde killed Marni? HAROLD: Marni went too deep. That's the blonde's territory. BOOTH: Does the blonde woman have a name? HAROLD: People around me die. Marni died. BOOTH: There's always going to be casualties, Harold. The important thing is to recognize the enemy, and take him out so more people don't get hurt. BRENNAN: Can you take us down there, Harold? HAROLD: No. It's beyond the perimeter. I took Marni beyond the perimeter. I'm not going to make that same mistake again. Won't make that mistake again. (Cut to: Booth and Brennan in Booth's SUV.) BOOTH: The social worker. BRENNAN: Why? Because she's a blonde? BOOTH: Yeah. I mean, come...Why didn't she want Marni poking around? BRENNAN: Because she thought the documentary was exploiting the homeless. BOOTH: You buy that? BRENNAN: Well, obviously, you don't. BOOTH: You know what? You want to know what a better reason for not wanting somebody poking around is? BRENNAN: A mythical treasure? BOOTH: All right, look. You ever see Treasure of the Sierra Madre? It doesn't matter if the treasure is mythical or not. People will still kill if they think it exists. BRENNAN: It did exist. BOOTH: What? BRENNAN: In the movie, it's gold dust. People think it didn't exist, so it blew away, but it did exist. BOOTH But no one got it, is the point. Huh! All of a sudden, you know a movie. BRENNAN: Everybody knows that movie. (Answers her phone.) BRENNAN: Brennan. HODGINS: It's Hodgins. Your victim was in some other tunnel system before she died. BRENNAN: Facts before conclusions, please. HODGINS: Her clothing shows traces of diamond dust. That suggests a much older system of tunnels than the one in which you found her. Industrial diamonds were used in blast-hole drilling in the 19th century. BOOTH: It's near a vault. It makes sense. (Booth hangs up before saying goodbye.) HODGINS: Good job, Hodgins. What would we do without you? BRENNAN: So Marni was killed near a vault, and then dragged to the shaft. BOOTH: Harold will know where that vault is. BRENNAN: Okay, maybe you could try the "Hey, we're brothers in arms" thing on him. BOOTH: Okay, that, what you just said right there, Bones- that was cynical. It was glib and cynical. BRENNAN: Really? BOOTH: Yes, really. I know what that guy has been through. BRENNAN: You killed a pregnant woman who was holding a child? BOOTH: Look, if you really want to know what I've done, I'll tell you, but you better be ready for the truth. (She relents from asking more.) BOOTH: Good choice, Bones. HELEN: Harold is afraid of me? BOOTH: Does he have any reason to fear you? HELEN: Oh, Harold is afraid of the world. Why do you think he lives underground? BRENNAN: Because he's paying penance. BOOTH: What? BRENNAN: You catch murderers to pay off your penance. Harold lives underground. Did you ever tell Marni that you found her documentary exploitive? HELEN: Of course I did. I'm an honest person. I told her I wouldn't help her. BOOTH: Which is when she turned to Harold as a guide. HAROLD: Yes, and those two other guys. BRENNAN: What... what two other guys? HELEN She took climbing lessons-how to use ropes- all that stuff. BRENNAN: When you told Marni that you thought she was exploitive, how did she react? HELEN: Well, she said that showing the truth couldn't possibly be exploitive. BRENNAN: I agree with her. HELEN: Truth doesn't mean the same thing to everyone, Dr. Brennan. Harold said he was afraid of me? BRENNAN: Booth Said he was afraid of a blonde. HELEN: How do you know it wasn't Charlize Theron? BRENNAN: Who's that? BOOTH: An actress. She's being sarcastic. Thank you for your help. Appreciate it. You know, you amaze me, you know? You know Treasure of the Sierra Madre but you don't know Charlize Theron. You know who you are? You're my grandmother. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to ANGELA'S work area with the 3D imager.) ANGELA: Here's the recreation. Here are the wounds. ZACK: Those skull fractures are centered above the left parietal lobe. ANGELA: Okay, the lasers can measure the angle of the attack and the amount of damage that was done to the living bone of the skull; 3.3 millimeters indentation into the bone at the deepest point which trailed off to 0.04 millimeters. ZACK: A glancing blow. ANGELA: Yeah, she saw it coming. The angle of the attack was between 50 and 53 degrees. ZACK: Meaning the attacker struck from above. And from the victim's right. ANGELA: So the attacker was left-handed. ZACK: She was only struck once. ANGELA: Sometimes that's all it takes. (Cut to: a park where Brennan and Booth are walking towards two men; KYLE MONTROSE and DUKE DIALLEL. DUKE: Good job, bro. Take care. BOOTH: Kyle Montrose and Duke Diallel? DUKE: Yeah. BOOTH: We're from the FBI. We have credit card receipts showing that you gave Marni Hunter climbing lessons. KYLE: If anyone could talk the FBI into getting a refund, it's Marni. BRENNAN: She's dead. KYLE: What? Oh, my God. DUKE: What happened? BOOTH: She was found in a ventilation shaft beneath the city. KYLE: Did she fall? DUKE: We told her not to go down there. It's way too dangerous. KYLE: Marni's dead? That's... God. DUKE: We gave her some climbing lessons and rappelling, but definitely not enough for her to go spelunking on her own. BRENNAN: Did you ever go into the tunnels with her? DUKE: No, no way. The whole point of rock climbing is to head for the sky, right? BOOTH: She ever ask you to? KYLE: Yes, yes, she did. She was doing some sort of documentary and...God, she fell? BRENNAN: That's what we're investigating. BOOTH: You seem pretty shook up. KYLE: Well, yeah, somebody you know dies, that's... BOOTH: I'm sorry, sir, but I got to ask. Were you and Marni intimate? KYLE: Yeah, we-we had a thing, but we broke up. She had a fiancé and I was always very clear that I didn't want to marry anyone. But... I liked her. God, this is terrible. BOOTH: Did her fiancé know about you? KYLE: I don't know. I can't believe this. (Cut to: BOOTH's office, with BOOTH, BRENNAN, and GARFIELD.) GARFIELD: Yes, I was aware there was another guy. Marni was never sneaky. BRENNAN: Did you know who it was? GARFILED: No. She told me it was over. BOOTH: Romantic triangle- it makes for a pretty compelling motive. GARFIELD: You mean for me? I didn't kill Marni. BRENNAN: She was sleeping with another man. BOOTH: Why didn't you tell us that your wedding was called off? GARFIELD: Because it's humiliating. BOOTH: Make you angry? GARFIELD: Of course it made me angry and depressed, made me question my manhood, all that. What do you want from me? I didn't kill Marni. She always came back to me. BOOTH: But this wasn't the first time she found someone else. GARFIELD: No. (Cut to: BOOTH and BRENNAN walking down an FBI hallway, BOOTH coffee in hand.) BOOTH: Okay, Bones, the fact that she was sleeping around, that's going to make it tougher. BRENNAN: Why? BOOTH: Mythical treasure versus actual jealous men? BRENNAN: That's stupid. BOOTH: No, it's not stupid, Bones, okay? Jealousy is probably the oldest motive for murder in the world. BRENNAN: Any man getting involved with a woman like Marni should know that she's adventurous and independent. BOOTH: Man, that's horrible coffee. (Throws horrible coffee in garbage can, as they walk into BOOTH's office.) BOOTH: Yeah, with a cheating heart? BRENNAN: Well, if she didn't hide anything. She was direct and honest. BOOTH: Bones, I mean you do realize that you are discussing motive right now? Psychology, not hard evidence. BRENNAN: It won't happen again. (Cut to: Investigation room with HAROLD, BOOTH and BRENNAN.) BRENNAN: We really need you to show us where you got this, Harold. HAROLD: It's only safe on this side of the perimeter. BOOTH: Then just take us there. Take us to the perimeter and you point the rest of the way. HAROLD: No. BRENNAN: Harold, those people you live with, they depend on you. What about them? It's up to you to keep them safe. (Cut to: sewers with BOOTH, BRENNAN and HAROLD.) BRENNAN: You know, you don't have to live down here. There are alternatives. HAROLD: No, not for me. BRENNAN: You're hiding. You have to face your demons. HAROLD: Living here, this is the only way I can pay so I won't have to go to hell for what I've done. BRENNAN: Harold, there are programs that help people like you. HAROLD: And what are people like me? BRENNAN: Mentally ill. BOOTH: Whoa, Bones, simmer down, all right? You might want to just, you know, sidle up to the issue a little easier. HAROLD: I like it. Someone's honest, says the truth. You don't lie, I guess. BRENNAN: No, I don't lie. Agent Booth and I would be glad to help you. HAROLD: This is as far as I go. BRENNAN: It doesn't have to be that way. BOOTH: No, Bones, he means this is the perimeter. This is as far as he agreed to take us. HAROLD: Beyond this it's not safe. BRENNAN: How much farther to where you found the medallion? HAROLD: You'll see. It's down there. BOOTH: You stay here, all right? Between one soldier to another? You got my back. HAROLD: I never left my men. (BRENNAN and BOOTH walk, proceeding down past the "perimeter".) BOOTH Hmm, cave-in. Dead end. We came all the way down here for nothing. (Notices skeleton on the ground.) BRENNAN: Not quite. ACT FOUR (Medico-Legal lab platform with BRENNAN, ZACK, HODGINS, and GOODMAN surrounding the skeleton Brennan found.) BRENNAN: This is a very old skeleton. ZACK: Male, mid-30s. BRENNAN: There's no clothing because it simply rotted away. HODGINS: Buttons. Bone for the shirt, pewter for the pants. GOODMAN: Brass eyelets for the boots. Belt buckle also pewter. This is a half-inch button from the Union Army Corps of Engineers. ZACK: By Union Army you mean... GOODMAN: Civil War. BRENNAN: That plus the fact that Hodgins found diamond dust on this skeleton, too? I think Marni Hunter was killed in a Civil War era tunnel. HODGINS: These pellets are commonly known as bird shot. Pellet size 12, 0.73 inches in diameter, made of lead. GOODMAN: Also Civil War vintage. The spread pattern suggests not a shotgun, but a muzzle-loaded pistol like a LeMat. If you don't mind some conjecture. BRENNAN: You're the boss. GOODMAN: This fellow knew something of value was being stored. HODGINS: Came down with an accomplice. I apologize. I've been hanging around Booth way too much. BRENNAN: It's a valid hypothesis. No doubt one of many. ZACK: They argued. One killed the other for the treasure. Doesn't that mean the vault will be empty when we find it? Oh, my God, they got me, too. GOOMAN: If the vault had been looted years ago, the artifacts would have surfaced, been sold off. It must have still been down there. I'll pull all the city plans from the mid-19th century to the present. We have to save what we can. Is there any way to discover who these bastards are? BRENNAN: Zack, take a cast of Marni Hunter's skull. See if we can be specific about the murder weapon. (Cut to: BRENNAN's office with ANGELA.) BRENNAN: Booth thought Harold could give you enough for a sketch of the blonde woman. ANGELA:You said he was suspicious. What if I can't get him to trust me. BRENNAN: You nervous? ANGELA: I'm not nervous. I'm scared. I don't know how to talk to crazy people unless I'm dating them. BRENNAN: I'm not sure he's actually clinically insane. ANGELA: Okay. I don't know how to talk to people who live underground and who might have tossed a documentary filmmaker down a hole. BRENNAN: Just be honest with him, Ang. Treat him with respect. You're good at that. (Cut to: ANGELA in the investigation room with HAROLD.) HAROLD: You're scared of me. ANGELA: Yes. HAROLD: Why? ANGELA: You live underground. HAROLD: Yes, I find it very bright up here. (ANGELA walks to the window and closes the blinds and sits back down.) HAROLD: How does this work? ANGELA: Um, you tell me what the blonde looks like and I draw her. HAROLD: You mean, like height, weight, hair color? ANGELA: Yeah. Yeah, but more. HAROLD: More? ANGELA: Yes, you know, how she seemed to you. You know, your, uh, your impressions. HAROLD: Her eyes are dead. Like she sees you and doesn't at the same time. You mean like that? ANGELA: Yeah. HAROLD: Her mouth was small. Stern. Little... (Cut to: ZACK'S section of the lab.) ZACK: The mold filled in the missing sections of the skull. BRENNAN: It shows the entry point of the injury has a very distinctive shape. Enlarge the image. ZACK: It's a "T." It's not a knife or a hammer that I've seen before. BRENNAN: Okay, make a list of possible implements using the size and force of the damage. (BOOTH opens the door with evidence in hand--a videotape.) BOOTH: Marni Hunter's fiancee found some raw footage of her documentary. (Cut to BRENNAN'S office where BOOTH BRENNAN are watching the tape.) MARNI, ON TAPE: A dark labyrinth, a warren of tunnels and fissures, forgotten coal cellars, sewer lines, storm drains, sub-basements, access shafts, easements and crawlspaces, some as old as the city itself. Why would anyone venture down here? BOOTH: Bones, I thought she worked alone. BRENNAN: Who's running the camera? MARNI, ON TAPE: ...shelter for a place to hide from the evils of the world. Others are looking for treasure. BRENNAN: Look, she might have started out to make a documentary about the homeless, but she wound up using Harold so that she could loot the treasure. BOOTH: Doesn't mean she deserves to die. MARNI, ON TAPE: And who are these treasure hunters? Not the homeless who scrounge for bits of metal. Some are Civil War enthusiasts. (Camera pans up to KYLE and DUKE.) KYLE: And some are remarkably handsome adventurers. I am so sorry. BRENNAN: They said they never went underground. BOOTH: This son of a bitch, he's lied to us, huh? ACT FIVE (Cut to Medico-Legal lab, with ZACK, BRENNAN, BOOTH.) ZACK: The murder weapon is a kind of sharp-edged instrument with a handle, not a hatchet. BOOTH: Those climbers haven't been back to their apartment since we talked to them last. BRENNAN: I think the murder weapon was a climbing ax. BOOTH: How about this: while exploring those tunnels with Marni Hunter, those climbers, they find something valuable. Marni wants to put it in her film, those climbers, they want to take it for themselves. Wham on the head, smack down the shaft. BRENNAN: Logical to think they're down there now emptying out that vault. (ANGELA enters.) ANGELA: That was a total bust. BOOTH: Harold couldn't provide you with a description? ANGELA: Yeah, he provided me with a description all right. (Holds up drawing to show an 18th century-looking woman depicted.) BOOTH: That's the blonde that Harold keeps seeing in the tunnel? ANGELA: See, this is what happens when you ask for information from the mentally ill. (GOODMAN enters.) GOODMAN: Where did you get that? ANGELA: I drew it. (GOODMAN talks and goes to the computer and pulls up the image that ANGELA drew.) GOODMAN: That, Ms. Montenegro, is a Raeburn. Sir Henry Raeburn painted a number of these studies, extremely rare now. Very valuable. There. ANGELA: Hmph. Damn, I'm good. GOODMAN: Miss Eleanor Urquhart painted in 1793 by Sir Henry Raeburn. Missing since 1862. Worth over $200,000. If Harold saw that underground, he's seen the inside of the vault. BOOTH Let's go. (BOOTH begins to leave.) BRENNAN: Booth. It's a labyrinth down there. You can't blunder around in the dark looking for them. GOODMAN: Maybe you won't have to. (Cut to: ANGELA'S 3d rendering station with ANGELA, BRENNAN, BOOTH and GOODMAN.) ANGELA: I entered all the modern and historical city plans, including ventilation shafts and tunnels, plus the newer schematics. GOODMAN: There's also oral accounts of tunnel construction and underground passages. BOOTH: Ooh, wow, All that exists under the city? GOODMAN: Yes. What we can corroborate. BOOTH: Good point, Bones, you know, not rushing off to find those guys. BRENNAN: How accurate is this? ANGELA: Blue is modern, near 100% accurate. Yellow is historical. GOODMAN: Estimate 80%. ANGELA: Red represents less exact renderings from stories, memoirs, accounts from city workers... GOODMAN Unfortunately, if this treasure exists, it probably exists in one of the red tunnels. BOOTH: Well, we found that Civil War victim near a cave-in. Maybe the treasure's on the other side? GOODMAN: Inductive, reductive or deductive? BRENNAN: Deductive. GOODMAN: As you wish. Ms. Montenegro, please remove all tunnels containing power, cable or utility lines. BRENNAN: And fiber optics. ANGLEA: Yes...also steam tunnels and transit access? BOOTH: Oh, what about diamond dust? You said that there was diamond dust in the old tunnels. There was also diamond dust on the Civil War guy...So... what? I'm not allowed to help now? GOODMAN: That's inductive logic. BRENNAN: We agreed on deductive. BOOTH: I'm sorry, I'm just, you know, trying to think outside your box. BRENNAN: Can you indicate where we found Marni Hunter's body and the Civil War victim? BOOTH: 'Cause, you know, if Marni was killed near the treasure and moved, and the Civil War guy was murdered by his accomplice... ANGELA: Mm, gotcha. BRENNAN: Can you connect the two bodies? BOOTH: This one's the closest. GOODMAN: There's no way to get there. BOOTH: Wait, can you put some more blue lines back in that area? It's just a guess. Throwing it out there. Sue me. BRENNAN: And connect where Marni Hunter's body was found. Somewhere along that line is where the treasure is. BOOTH: What's that blue line? ANGELA: Storm sewer. H-15B. (ZACK enters.) ZACK: The weapon was a Hanks climbing ax. (Cut to: BOOTH and BRENNAN in the sewers.) BRENNAN: This is one of the situations where I need a gun. BOOTH: No, you don't, okay. We're going to have six highly-trained FBI Tac Team members do the dirty work. We're just going to watch. What's your 20, Tac Team Three? TAC TEAM GUY: According to this map, we're with you? BRENNAN: They aren't with us. BOOTH: I realize that, Bones. Re-orient, Tac Team Three. TAC TEAM GUY: Suggest you wait for rendezvous, Booth. BOOTH: Ten-four, Tac Team Three. BRENNAN: Okay, I bet tick-tock team is here, two levels above us. BOOTH: Don't call them tick-tock team, okay? They're Tac Team. It's short for tactical. BRENNAN: Can I just have a gun at least until they get here? It's not for shooting rats. It's for psychos with climbing axes. BRENNAN:So what do we do, just wait? BOOTH: We just, uh, we reconnoiter. In. (BOOTH leads BRENNAN into another tunnel.) BOOTH: Easy. Watch yourself. Wow. What do we got here? Tac Team Three, this is Booth. What's your six? TAC TEAM GUY: Stand by, Booth. BRENNAN: They're lost. (BRENNAN notices something on the ground as they advance through the tunnel.) BOOTH: They're not lost. What's that, lucky quarter? BRENNAN: This could be the missing piece from Marni Hunter's skull. BOOTH: Okay. Think she was killed here? BRENNAN: That's a plausible conclusion. BOOTH Don't get all gushy on me. Tick Tock Three. TAC TEAM GUY: Did you just call us Tick Tock? BOOTH: Tac Team Three, standby. BRENNAN: Do you hear that? BOOTH: Yeah. (They hear clinking and then see an opening to a room with glorious old treasures of the past.) BRENNAN: That's the blonde woman. BOOTH This is locked. You know what, we got to get in there. BRENNAN: Are we waiting for Tick Tock Three? BOOTH They might not find us for a week. If we go after them, these guys will take off. I want to catch them in the act of stealing. BRENNAN: All right, we can go in through here. BOOTH: Bones, we go in there, you are responsible for whoever is on your left. Okay, you put your gun on him. BRENNAN: Okay. How will I know whether or not to shoot? BOOTH: Wondering whether or not to shoot, you shoot. BRENNAN: And let you do the talking. BOOTH: Yeah, well, I took that one for granted. (Cut to KYLE and DUKE looting gold bars among other various treasures.) DUKE: We should've brought bigger bags. (BOOTH and BRENNAN enter.) BOOTH: FBI. Hands in the air. BRENNAN: Yeah, hands in the air. DUKE: We're not armed. KYLE: Everybody relax. They don't shoot people for trespassing. BOOTH: They do for murder. Put your hands on your head. Do it. KYLE: Murder?! What murder? BOOTH: Kyle, I'm throwing you these restraints. Put them on Duke. Now. DUKE How are we supposed to climb out of here in handcuffs? BRENNAN: Would you rather go out in body bags? Put on the damn restraints. Let you do the talking. Got it. KYLE: You think we killed Marni? BRENNAN: She was killed with a climbing ax. BOOTH: Duke, sit down. Bones, give me your gun. Take the restraints out of my belt, and put them on Kyle. That's not cocked, is it? Because where that's pointed... BRENNAN: You're safe. KYLE: Marni was killed with a climbing axe? BRENNAN: She knew about this treasure, she was going to put it in her documentary, would've cost you guys a fortune. So one of you killed her. Who's left handed? BOOTH: Bones, you know, it's best to have this sort of explanation after the bad guys are incapacitated. BRENNAN: Why? (KYLE lifts some heavy artifact and hits DUKE.) KYLE: You killed her for this? BOOTH: That's why. BRENNAN: Yeah, well, I'll try to remember that for next time. ACT SIX (GOODMAN, BOOTH and BRENNAN in BRENNAN's office.) GOODMAN: You single-handedly regained one of the great cultural finds of the century. A glimpse of Civil War life. BRENNAN: Marni Hunter wanted to document the treasure, not steal it. BOOTH:So Duke killed her and threw her down a bottomless pit. BRENNAN: Kyle wasn't so innocent himself. He hit Duke in the crypt with a candlestick. BOOTH: Kyle hit the Duke with a candlestick in the crypt. GOODMAN: That's very good. Very good. BOOTH: Right? BRENNAN: What? What's the joke? BOOTH: Wha...? BRENNAN:Clue? What clue? What clue? BOOTH: Unbelievable, Bones. ANGELA: What's funny? BRENNAN:I have no idea. ANGELA: Harold's being released. GOODMAN: You found a place for him? BRENNAN: Yes. (Music montage, as BOOTH, BRENNAN, ANGELA walk HAROLD to the sewers. The team stands with Harold at the entrance to a section of tunnels. They bid him inaudibly farewell. BOOTH gives him a flashlight. HAROLD leaves them as he enters the only world he knows and trusts while they watch then leave.)	Plan: A: a young documentary filmmaker; Q: Whose remains are found in a ventilation shaft in an underground tunnel? A: Clues; Q: What leads Brennan and Booth to suspect that a man living underground was involved with the murder? A: a valuable artifact; Q: What is found among the victim's possessions? A: the entire Jeffersonian team; Q: Who joins the investigation of the victim's murder? Summary: When the remains of a young documentary filmmaker are found in a ventilation shaft in an underground Washington, DC, tunnel, Brennan and Booth must venture into the maze of tunnels beneath the city and are surprised to discover a world of homeless shelters underground. Clues lead them to suspect that a man living underground was involved with the murder, but instead he gives them valuable information about the purpose of the victim's underground project. When a valuable artifact is found among the victim's possessions, the entire Jeffersonian team joins in the investigation to learn why the victim was in the maze of tunnels and what she found down there that led to her murder.
At Paige, Ellie and Marco's (Paige is blow-drying her hair which wakes Alex up.) Paige: Morning sleeping beauty. Alex: If you really loved me you wouldn't hurt my ears this early. Paige: Well I've got to drop the store key with Jimmy, hit the bank, groceries, and a job interview. Très multitask. Alex: So what am I gonna do all day? Paige: How about you recharge after the last two weeks? Your final Degrassi semester got you those crazy great grades you were after. Alex: Yet not even straight A's could get my mom to ditch Chad, the free-loading conman. So much for moving back home. Paige: Hon, I know it's hard, but you can stay here until you get back on your feet. (Paige kisses her goodbye.) Alex: Bye. (Paige goes into the kitchen.) Marco: Paige, how long is Alex crashing? Like is she looking for a job or... Paige: Her last reference is from a strip bar. She needs help and time. Marco: Yeah well who's gonna help her ditch the TV remote and pick up the want ads? Paige: Hon, you and I are lucky enough not to know what it's like when your parents screw you over. Sympathy, s'il vous plaît? Thank you. So can I go to my life-changing interview? We'll discuss this later, okay? At Paige's new job Paige: Andrea? (The girl keeps walking.) Paige: Okay guess not. Andrea: Are you the new girl? Paige: Paige. It is so good to meet you Andrea. Andrea: (She pronounces her name differently) Andrea. Paige: Andrea. Of course. So much for a good first impression, right? Andrea: Look this job, you're gonna iron more clothes than you wear, okay? Paige: Well how about chiffons? I mean steaming sure, but will the Malandrinos really hold up? Andrea: Malandrinos? We've been practicing that at home, haven't we? Paige: My whole life, clothes geek. Andrea: Whose pinafores did you like this season? Paige: Chanel's. The rest are un-wearable. Andrea: Look I need someone at my beck and call. Totally committed. Paige: Look I will get coffees. I will pin hems. I'll do model sweat duty, really. Andrea: Are you a fashion student? (Paige shakes her head no.) Andrea: Good. We have our spring line runway show for clients happening this week. Drop-offs, details, emergencies. You drive? Paige: Yes. Andrea I will not let you down. So... Andrea: Write this down. (She starts giving orders as Paige follows behind her.) In Mr. Simpson's class (Manny walks in late and Damien comes in right behind her.) Mr. Simpson: Manny and Damien. A match made in lateness. Something I should know about? Damien: Not yet, Mr. Simpson. Mr. Simpson: Okay. Well while Liberty is away at leadership camp, acting vice-president Toby has an announcement. Toby: Um in response to concerns raised by the merger, we're gonna be holding a referendum. On Thursday we're gonna vote on whether Lakehurst clubs and teams should integrate into Degrassi's or stay separate. (Everyone starts talking.) Mr. Simpson: Alright cool your jets, guys. Come on. Let's get this class started, alright? Emma: Hey lets instil segregation. Apartheid worked so well in South Africa. Why not here? We should do something, Manny. (Manny is staring at Damien.) Emma: Hello? Earth to Manny. Manny: Yeah totally. Together, good. Separate, bad. Emma: Speaking of together or separate, what's going on with you and Damien? Manny: Things kind of fizzled after the Lakehurst feud, kind of thanks to you actually, but am I bitter? (He gives her a little wave and she smiles.) At Paige, Ellie and Marco's Marco: So why do you think you'd be a good roommate, uh Griffin? Griffin: Uh well I'm quiet, clean and studious. Ellie: Hmm that might not work. We're kind of loud. Paige: And sort of messy. Ellie: Yeah we do homework in front of the TV. You're an engineering student, right? Griffin: Yeah well and I book bands for the club and I spin. So loud's okay. Ellie: Well Griffin it was great meeting you. Griffin: Okay um I'll let myself out. You guys get ready to talk about me. (He leaves.) Marco: Thank you. No more callers. Ellie: Hey I'm not so sure. A hot roommate is a lot more pressure than regular ones. I need freedom to wear flannel. Paige: Griffin was incredibly cute and normal. It's two to one. Sorry Ellie. Alex: Hmm a guy here would be weird. It's a tie. Paige: Um hon, you know we love you, but you don't really get so much of a vote. The rent's the rent, you know? Alex: Right. Of course. In the hallway Manny: Damien, the guy who let a tiny cheerleading protest wreck a relationship last semester. Damien: Well a gym full of people shouting "go home Lakehurst" doesn't leave the memory easily. Manny: Well now you have a reason to forget, also known as me or was that not flirting that I saw in class today? Damien: What are you suggesting Miss Santos? Manny: That we give it another try, that we live in the present. Damien: I like presents. Anya: Um smile for the grapevine. (She takes their picture.) At Paige's Paige: Alex, please stop pouting. You know it's only- (Paige looks at her laptop.) Paige: No, no, no. Ugh! Come on. I'm so stupid. Alex: What's the matter? Paige: My licence expired and I thought I could renew it online, but...Alex half of this job is driving. Alex: 72 hour wait. Paige: I have to be there in an hour. Alex: You have a car, I have a licence. Paige: You would do that? Alex: Well it might eat into my couch time, but it will be fun to hang out for a change. Paige: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. The entire fashion industry owes you huge. Ready to hit the road? Later that night (Paige and Alex walk in with a bunch of clothes.) Marco: Bonjour couture and Alex, its newest fan? Alex: Uh not quite. Paige: Had a little licence issue, but this adorable super human is chauffeuring so I don't lose my job. Alex: The things I do to spend time with you. I just don't get why we have to bring all this stuff here. Paige: Um hon, we can't leave them at the venue alone. They are priceless. Marco, flown from Milan today. Marco: No! (Marco tries to grab it and Paige pulls it away.) Paige: Oh no touch pas. Alex: I saw a pair of $1200 shorts tonight. Who buys $1200 shorts? Paige: I wish I could! Being near them on the runway will have to do. Alex: That's just sad. So uh this show, it's for the world's 5 other shorts-loving freaks? Marco: This show is like a huge deal. They said in the paper today who's sitting front row. Paige: Hon I will be done at the office at 4 tomorrow, but if I'm not outside you can just wait for me, okay? Alex: Sure. Getting used to that. (Alex leaves and Paige and Marco keep squeeing over the clothes.) Marco: This is unreal. Paige: I don't even know what to do. Marco: Try it on! That's what you do! Paige: Are you kidding? In the media immersion room Toby: You're on the Internet. Emma: Again? Manny: I swear I've done nothing net-worthy. Toby: Degrassi Grapevine disagrees. Manny: Good news travels fast, I guess. (She sees the picture of her and Damien on the Grapevine.) Manny: Damien look we're the interracial poster children for Degrassi/Lakehurst unity. Damien: Hmm. Manny: What, too much press, too soon? Damien: No it's just a little ironic. The whole separation thing was kind of my idea. Manny: Hold on. Why would you do that? Damien: Because I believe in it. Lakehurst needs its own identity, especially now. Manny: Damien the rivalry is only gonna get worse. What about...? (She gestures to their picture.) Damien: No problem. We can be together ever if our schools are apart. Manny: Wouldn't it be better if we were double together? Damien: Manny you just don't understand politics. Manny: The only thing I don't understand is why I thought this could ever work, condescending ass. (She walks away.) Damien: Hold on that came out wrong. Outside Paige's job Paige: (On the phone) Say you're at the corner. I've been waiting here for 40 minutes. Alex: (On the phone) I will be soon, Paige-y. I just had to um...just read the style section, okay? I'll get there as soon as I can. (Alex is shown smoking weed with Jay.) Paige: (On the phone) How about don't bother? I can take care of myself, okay? (She hangs up.) Paige: Taxi! At Paige, Marco and Ellie's Alex: I have to go get her. Jay: First Mel leaves me. Now you. My heart is cracked open and leaking love juice all over the place. Alex: Your heart will heal. I can't drive. I'm too stoned. No what am I gonna tell Paige? Jay: That I'm a mess. That you're being a good friend. She'll get it. Alex: No she'll have a fit, actually. These are the only things she cares about. (Alex pulls out one of the dresses.) Jay: Woah Mel would look so hot in that. God I miss her. Alex: And that's why I keep you around! For your brilliant ideas! Later that night Paige: Alex! Alex, can you at least do me the courtesy of being here when I yell at you. You ditched me! Alex: I know. I'm sorry, but Mel dumped Jay and he really needed... Paige: Let me guess, a shoulder to get high on? Alex: I'm sorry. I was a jerk, but can I make it up to you? (She takes off her robe to show the dress she's wearing.) Paige: Oh my god. Take off the dress now! Alex: But I was trying to surprise you. Paige: Well congratulations! Take off the dress and then get out of my room. [SCENE_BREAK] The next day (Griffin is moving in and Paige is steaming the dress.) Alex: Coffee? I found more. Paige I'm sorry. I, I thought my wonder girl Paige could manage on her own. Paige: On my own, I'm fine. Someone else caused the problem. Alex: I made a mistake. I didn't understand how seriously you were taking this whole gig. Paige: How could you not? This is the first thing I've been excited about since I bombed out of Banting. Alex: I'm not like you with plans and stuff. I always feel like I'm behind. Maybe that's why I need you. Paige: Well what about when I need you? Alex: I'll be there. How can I prove it? Paige: Chocolate reminders for tonight's show. They have to be wrapped and couriered to all the VIPs by noon. Should have been done last night, but um I was busy. Alex: I'll get it done, Paige. Paige: I know you will because screwing up is not an option. Outside the school Damien: Manny! Manny! Manny stop. Manny: Sorry not only do I not understand politics, I have trouble with simple commands. Damien: I'm sorry about yesterday. Listen I didn't mean to imply you were anything less than brilliant. Manny: But we're both smart enough to realize the truth, right? About us? Damien: Uh oh. Manny: Damien, it's not gonna work. I think the personal is political and if I can't support your campaign, then I can't support you. Damien: I respect that, but it doesn't sound good for the faces of Degrassi/Lakehurst unity. Manny: Well at least we can agree on that. Damien: I think we just set the record for the world's shortest relationship. Manny: I guess it wasn't meant to be. We're just too different. Damien: It's 'cause I'm black, isn't it? Manny: Well now that you mention it. Damien: So what you just wanted the cred? Manny: Why do you people always play the race card? Damien: That's highly offensive. (Holly J and Anya overhear their joking and look at each other shocked.) At Paige's job Andrea: What's Ms. Hagerty going to wear? Paige: Couriered the purple jersey. Andrea: And the models? Paige: Are in makeup as we speak. Andrea: What about the new music mix? Paige: Oh uh tracks 1-6. Have it on a loop. Andrea: Now why haven't any of my VIPs called to gush over their edible gold reminders? Paige: They haven't? But I had them sent out. Andrea: You had them sent? Paige: Andrea, I swear they were at the courier by noon. Andrea: It's your first week and you're subcontracting already. Paige: (under her breath) Alex. Andrea: Paige, focus. We're in the leads here. Now if you can't handle this- Paige: No I can. I can. I'm sure it was nothing more than a little snag. I can fix it. Trust me. Andrea: You certainly will. It won't be a problem at show time, right? Paige: Of course not. Everything is under control. Andrea: You looking for something? Paige: I uh, I just can't seem to find the contact sheet. (Andrea gives her it.) Paige: Thank you. Andrea: Just do your job and don't wear that. At Spirit Squad rehearsal Holly J: So Manny, Chantay and I were just trying to figure out who's hotter. Brad or Kanye? Manny: You're serious? Ryan Gosling, hands down. Chantay: Figures. Manny: What's that supposed to mean? Chantay: As long as he's not black, right? Manny: Excuse me? Holly J: Rumour has it you're a racist. Manny: Rumour has it you have webbed toes. Holly J: Sorry Manny, but most of us understand that racism is a very serious issue. Manny: Guys I can't believe this. Chantay: So the rumour's true then? Manny: No! Where are you getting this crap from? Holly J: People who overheard you talking to Damien today. Manny: Dude we were joking! This is insane. Come on. I'll prove it. (They walk into the hall and Manny goes up to Damien.) Manny: So you heard? (She points to herself.) Manny: Racist. Awesome, huh? Damien: What do you mean? Manny: Some people didn't think our joke was very funny, but seems to be working out well for you though. Lots of support, huh? Damien: You think people are supporting me because of that? Manny: Well I don't think it's hurting. So you need to do something for me. Hey! Listen up. Unscheduled announcement from Damien Hayes. Damien: I heard some vicious rumours. I want you all to know that Manny Santos is not a racist. Holly J: Then why did she dump you? Damien: Trust me. The reasons are far more than skin deep. Manny: Unlike Damien, I happen to be a firm believer in unity. He wants to keep the schools divided, but what Damien doesn't get about politics is that when there's solidarity, there's strength. I hope you all remember this as you make your way to the polls. Derek: Yeah! Danny: Bravo. One school. At the fashion show Paige: (On her phone) Paige here. Ms. Levoy, you will? Great. I'll see you seen. Andrea: Paige! How are my... this chair is crooked. How are my VIPs? Paige: Last one just confirmed. All seats filled with appropriate seats. Andrea: Impressive, but we're still really behind. Now I need you to- Alex: Paige! (Andrea gasps in horror as Alex walks on the runway.) Alex: Paige I um...okay. I couldn't get the stuff to everyone. Andrea: Paige. We can't have this, her. (Paige grabs Alex's arm and they move away from Andrea.) Paige: Alex, what is wrong with you? You didn't deliver the reminders, did you? Alex: No 'cause I saw the invoice. $3000 for chocolate? That's 3 months rent to where I come from. Paige: And if I hadn't spent the last hour frantically calling people about the show, I'd have lost my job. Alex: This isn't happiness, Paige. This is a lame temp gig that has you acting like a diva. Paige: Who asked you to judge what is okay for this company or me? I am trying to start a career I actually care about. Alex: You actually care about this artificial crap? Paige you wrap presents and iron dresses like a maid. Sorry if I have principals. Paige: You know what? You were better off as a stripper. It is all great to climb up on your high horse, but at least that girl was working for something. (Paige tries to walk away and Alex stops her.) Paige: Alex, I'm done! (They both walk away angry.) In Mr. Simpson's class Ms. Hatzilakos: (On the TV) Yesterday you went to the polls to decide whether the Degrassi and Lakehurst teams and clubs should be separate or together and the results are in with a resounding vote in favour of unifying clubs and teams. Thank you. Mr. Simpson: Thing of beauty, democracy. And speaking of democratic freedom, feel free to take your seats. Manny: Hey. If it's any consolation, you weren't totally wrong. Some things are better apart, like us. No hard feelings? Damien: Are you kidding? You totally blind sighted me in front of the whole school. Manny: It's not my fault you smart boys are so easily manipulated. Damien: Oh is that what you think? Everyone, Manny's a sexist! (She covers his mouth.) Manny: Joking. Very funny. Damien: So you're sure you don't want to go out on one more date? Manny: Positive. Damien: How about Emma? Is she single? (Manny shakes her head with a smile.) At Paige and Marco's Paige: Then I had to return everything after the show so I blew every cent I made on taxis. Marco: Yeah, but you still have your job though, right? Paige: Andrea gave me a gift bag, so unless that's code for move on sister... Marco: It's code for hottest shades ever. (Alex walks in and sees a duffle bag.) Paige: I think everything's in there. Where are you gonna go? Alex: My mom has a cousin in Ajax. I'll find a job. I've got options. Paige: Look I'm sorry. I thought it would be good for you here. Alex: Yeah, but I was still alone. I lost you to a fantasy world. Paige: This is the right thing to do, but it still hurts. Alex: You make it sound like cough syrup. (Alex leaves and Paige puts on the sunglasses.) Scenes for next week Voiceover: On an all new Degrassi, Jimmy and Ashley chase the spotlight. Ashley: If I'm chasing dreams, you're coming with me. Jimmy: Okay. (Ashley is shown singing and the crowd looks bored.) Johnny: Lame! Voiceover: But one outshines the other and we all know what that means. (Jimmy is shown rapping and everyone is into it.) Ashley: Jimmy all they saw was you! Jimmy: But I helped you pick up the crowd. Ashley: I didn't ask you to. (Jimmy is performing and Ashley watches from backstage.) Ashley: People thought I was Craig's sidekick. I don't want to be Jimmy's. Does that make me a bitch? (Ashley is shown about to delete Jimmy's rap from the computer.)	Plan: A: Paige; Q: Who gets a job as a fashion assistant? A: her days; Q: What does Alex spend being lazy? A: Soon Paige's; Q: When does Paige's job threaten Alex's relationship? A: Alex's attitude; Q: Along with Paige's job, what threatens their relationship? A: Damian; Q: Manny considers picking up where she left off with whom? A: a unified Degrassi-Lakehurst student body; Q: What do Manny and Damian disagree on? Summary: Paige gets a job as a fashion assistant as Alex spends her days being lazy. Soon Paige's job and Alex's attitude threaten their relationship. Meanwhile, Manny considers picking things up where she left off with Damian but finds it impossible when they disagree on a unified Degrassi-Lakehurst student body.
THE CAVES OF ANDROZANI BY: ROBERT HOLMES Part Three Running time: 24:36 [SCENE_BREAK] CHELLAK: Salateen, what in thunder? SALATEEN: I'll explain later, General. One escaped prisoner, sir. CHELLAK: The android? SALATEEN: She's real enough. Android's legs don't blister. Sharaz Jek smuggled in copies of this girl and her friend, the Doctor, and I'm afraid, sir, that he also copied me. CHELLAK: Copied you? SALATEEN: I've been held prisoner at his camp for months now, sir, and what you thought was me is in fact an android, a spy for Sharaz Jek. CHELLAK: You mean I've had an android as my ADC without knowing it? SALATEEN: When he made that copy of me, sir, it was like looking into a mirror. He's incredibly clever. CHELLAK: What a blind fool I've been. [SCENE_BREAK] JEK: So, you thought to follow me. I expected that you would, and now you've learned the price of your curiosity. STOTZ: Is that think back there one of your pets? JEK: The Magma creatures never ascend above Blue level, and they have, in any case, no taste for my androids, only flesh and blood. KRELPER: You tricked us into that! JEK: No, you were led by your own cupidity. Greed, heedless of caution, lures many a man to his death. JEK: Whoever you are, come out. Doctor! I hadn't expected to see you again so soon. DOCTOR: Life often springs these little surprises. [SCENE_BREAK] SALATEEN: The android has a cortex with over five million responses programmed in. Jek boasts about it as his finest creation. CHELLAK: So Jek has known every move, every plan we've made for months now. SALATEEN: Within seconds, sir. The android is linked to his main computer. CHELLAK: We'll soon put a stop to that. (into comm.) Major Salateen! SALATEEN: There is a better way, sir. CHELLAK: What? SALATEEN: I thought of it on the way back. R-SALATEEN (OOV.): Salateen here, sir. You called me? CHELLAK: It's all right, Major. I've found what I wanted. R-SALATEEN (OOV.): Very good, sir. CHELLAK: You said there was a better way? SALATEEN: Disinformation. CHELLAK: Using the android. SALATEEN: So long as Jek doesn't discover I've made it back here, he'll believe everything the android relays him to the terminal. CHELLAK: You're a wily fellow, Salateen, I've always said so. But how will that help? SALATEEN: We can make him think we're moving in one direction when in fact we'll be moving in on his base. I know the way to it. CHELLAK: I like that idea. It means you and the girl will have to stay out of sight, of course. You can use my private quarters. [SCENE_BREAK] JEK: How is it that you were able to walk past my androids? DOCTOR: I don't know. Maybe they just liked my face? JEK: Well? Take your Spectrox. STOTZ: The suppliers aren't going to like this, Jek. JEK: Tell them if they will supply gas weapons as agreed, and deliver them safely, I will pay eight kilos for the next shipment. JEK: When I ask a question, I do not expect flippancy. Where's the girl? Where's Peri? DOCTOR: I wish I knew. JEK: Take him. JEK: Tear his arms out slowly. You know the power an android can exert, Doctor. After your arms, they will remove your legs. Now, where's the girl? DOCTOR: I don't know. We got into a shoot-out with one of your androids and then she disappeared. JEK: You can't protect her. I shall tear the truth out of you. DOCTOR: I think she's with Salateen. JEK: Salateen? In that case they've probably reached the army camp. Release him. DOCTOR: If they have, it's round two to the army, I'd say. JEK: You know nothing. I must get the girl back, I must. STOTZ: Jek, what about him. JEK: He's no further use to me now. STOTZ: I'd like to take him back to Major. I think the boss might want to question him. JEK: Why? STOTZ: We think he's a spy. I mean, why else should he be snooping around? JEK: He told me he was, it's no matter who he is. Take him. I must find the girl. STOTZ: When we get back to Major, you're going to wish those androids had finished the job. You'll be worked over by experts there. [SCENE_BREAK] PERI: What SALATEEN: Shush. [SCENE_BREAK] CHELLAK: No further orders, Major. CHELLAK: I said, there are no further orders, Major. R-SALATEEN: Very good, sir. CHELLAK: Was there anything else? R-SALATEEN: The magma pressure is still increasing, sir. CHELLAK: Yes, well, it's been high before and nothing happened. I'm sure if there's a mud burst on the way the engineers will give us ample warning. R-SALATEEN: There will be time to get the barriers down, but a sudden burst could wipe out our forward patrols. CHELLAK: Well, that's a calculated risk. We can't suspend operations because some time in the next month there might be a mud burst. R-SALATEEN: No, sir. CHELLAK: Very well. Carry on, Major. [SCENE_BREAK] CHELLAK: That android suspects something. SALATEEN: They can detect human body heat even through a wall. CHELLAK: I'll have to get it off the base, it's the only thing for it. How are you doing now? PERI: Pretty awful, not that you care. CHELLAK: I don't think she's any use to us. SALATEEN: I'll give her another injection in an hour. She'll make it. PERI: You're all heart, you two. CHELLAK: If you weren't dying, I'd have you shot anyway. You may not have been gun-running, but treating with the enemy is punishable by death. PERI: Treating with the enemy? CHELLAK: Sharaz Jek went to great lengths to save you and your friend the Doctor from execution. He didn't do that out of kindness. PERI: Look, the Doctor and I were just as much Sharaz Jek's prisoners as he was, and if it hadn't been for the Doctor, we'd all still be there. SALATEEN: That is actually true, sir. CHELLAK: Yes, well, it's academic now, anyway. I just want her fit enough to guide the first assault. PERI: Some hope, the way I feel. [SCENE_BREAK] STOTZ: Come on, keep moving, you. DOCTOR: What's that? STOTZ: My ship, right on time, so hurry it up. DOCTOR: My legs are going numb. I suppose that's stage three. STOTZ: Stage three of what? DOCTOR: I believe it's called Spectrox toxaemia. STOTZ: You've been messing around with raw Spectrox? DOCTOR: Yes. KRELPER: Come on! DOCTOR: Why don't you leave me here to die? STOTZ: You'll last long enough for questioning. Take his arm, Krelper. We'll be at the ship in three minutes. KRELPER: Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] CHELLAK: How does it work? SALATEEN: Apparently it emits some low frequency signal that the androids recognise as friendly. CHELLAK: Seems simple enough. If our artificers could knock up a couple of hundred of these SALATEEN: That's what I thought, sir. CHELLAK: Yes, well, we'll attend to that just as soon as I've got that android off the base. SALATEEN: How do you intend to do that? CHELLAK: Send it on a fools errand well out of the way. SALATEEN: Anything you tell the android will be known to Jek within seconds. It will have to sound convincing or he'll get suspicious. CHELLAK: Yes, I realise that. SALATEEN: You could reinforce it, perhaps, by putting a call through to Trau Morgus. CHELLAK: Morgus? SALATEEN: If you tell Morgus that you've located Jek's headquarters and give him a set of bogus coordinates. CHELLAK: Yes, then we circle around and catch the beggar napping. That's very good, Salateen. SALATEEN: Well, I think Jek will automatically believe anything he hears you discussing with Morgus. He has a tap on the interplanetary vid. He can pick up all the transmissions between here and Major. CHELLAK: How long has he been intercepting our vid transmissions? SALATEEN: I think the android put the tap in, sir. CHELLAK: It's little wonder this campaign has got nowhere. Jek has had advanced warning of every operation we've planned. SALATEEN: You'll catch him cold this time, though. CHELLAK: I think so, Salateen. And before he's executed, I'll see that evil renegade is dragged in chains through every city on Major. [SCENE_BREAK] STOTZ: Height? KRELPER: One twenty metres. STOTZ: Lock on course. KRELPER: Course set. MAN: Lock on. STOTZ: Okay, close the jumps. KRELPER: Closing jumps. Androzani Major, here we come. STOTZ: You lads go and get some rest. KRELPER: Well, I reckon we deserve that. STOTZ: I'll just tell the boss we're on our way. DOCTOR: Are you afraid of intruders? STOTZ: When I talk to the boss, it's got to be just the two of us. That's the way he likes it. DOCTOR: Something wrong with his face, or mine? MORGUS (on monitor): You're late, Stotz. [SCENE_BREAK] STOTZ (on screen): We ran into some trouble, sir. The army intercepted the consignment. MORGUS: I know that, but the weapons were untraceable. STOTZ (on screen): I made doubly sure. Anyway, we attacked them and wiped them out. But then we had trouble with Sharaz Jek. MORGUS: He refused payment, I suppose. STOTZ (on screen): Two kilos instead of five. MORGUS: It should have been four, at least. STOTZ (on screen): I forced him to agree more for the next delivery, sir. He's desperate for those gas weapons, so I said eight kilos or no deal. [SCENE_BREAK] MORGUS (on monitor): Eight? Did he agree? STOTZ: Oh, of course. He could see I meant business. And another thing. [SCENE_BREAK] STOTZ (on screen): I think I've got a fix on where that Spectrox is stored. MORGUS: Ah, that information be very valuable. Who is that? STOTZ (on screen): Government snoop, sir. MORGUS: Take off the blindfold. DOCTOR (on screen): Ah, I thought I recognised the voice. MORGUS: Something is happening I don't quite understand. STOTZ (on screen): He calls himself the Doctor, sir. MORGUS: I know that, Stotz. Be quiet. I need time to think. MORGUS: The execution was a hoax. The General is obtuse, but he is a loyal Government servant. He would not have deceived me unless, unless his orders came from a higher authority. MORGUS: Who's your employer, Doctor? Who are you acting for? DOCTOR (on screen): I'm not acting for anyone. I was just passing through. I happened to get mixed up in this pathetic little local war. MORGUS: I am the richest man in the whole of the five planets. You tell me the truth and I will reward you beyond your wildest dreams. DOCTOR (on screen): I am telling the truth. I keep telling the truth. Why is it no one believes me? STOTZ (on screen): He's a Government snoop, sir. Stick a few electrodes in him, he'll soon talk. MORGUS: If he'd been sent by the Government, I'd know. My people on the Praesidium would have told me. No, somebody in a very high position told Chellak to fake the execution. DOCTOR (on screen): How do you know it was faked? Maybe they were just bad shots. MORGUS: It could only have been the President. Something must have aroused his suspicion. Stotz, I want you to lock your ship in geostationary orbit, and I don't want you back here until I've had time to consider the implications of this. [SCENE_BREAK] STOTZ (OOV.): Geostationary orbit! If it wasn't for you we'd be well on our way home. [SCENE_BREAK] STOTZ: I should have wiped you out the minute I first saw you. [SCENE_BREAK] CHELLAK: Ah, Salateen. I have a treat for you. It's some time since you've been out on field operations, isn't it? R-SALATEEN: Yes, sir. CHELLAK: I know how bored an officer of your temperament gets with HQ duties. Now, as you know, we've had a satellite monitoring radio signals here for some time. We've now located a transmitter, must belong to the rebels, just here. Make a note of the coordinates. R-SALATEEN: That's several miles, sir, and bad narrows all the way. CHELLAK: Probably the reason Jek chose it. Anyway, I'm sure it's his main base. Take a small team, good men, do a quiet recce. As soon as I receive confirmation, I'll follow up in force. All right? R-SALATEEN: Of course, sir. [SCENE_BREAK] R-SALATEEN: Keep the men moving, Sergeant. I'll catch you up. JEK: Chellak is sending you north. He's trying to deceive me as to his intentions. R-SALATEEN: Yes, master. JEK: Have you seen the girl? R-SALATEEN: Chellak has her hidden in his private quarters. And Major Salateen. JEK: But now that you are out of the camp, Salateen will be free to move about. Excellent. The girl will be alone. [SCENE_BREAK] MORGUS: Yes, General, what is it? CHELLAK (on screen): Good news, Trau Morgus. Our radio satellite has pinpointed Sharaz Jek's base. MORGUS: Are you certain? CHELLAK (on screen): I'm mobilising to attack now. In approximately six hours, we'll be in a position for a full-scale assault. MORGUS: If you know where Jek's base is, why wait six hours? CHELLAK (on screen): There are many difficult narrows to traverse. It'll take that time to assemble our men. MORGUS: Have you informed the President? CHELLAK (on screen): Not yet. I believe his Excellency is at a meeting of the Praesidium. MORGUS: Yes, he is. I'm seeing him myself after the meeting. I will tell him the good news. Thank you for reporting, General. CHELLAK (on screen): Thank you, sir. [SCENE_BREAK] JEK: You must come with me. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Autohold, off. That's it. Now, vertical descent pattern. [SCENE_BREAK] PRESIDENT: An attempt to assassinate me? Who told you this, Morgus? MORGUS: A man in my position, I have sources all over the world. It is of course only a whisper, but I think it would be wise to act with caution. PRESIDENT: Yes, indeed. You've no idea who the miscreants are? MORGUS: Not at the moment, Excellency, but I'm hoping to have more information soon. PRESIDENT: I must strengthen my bodyguard. MORGUS: I would take other precautions, sir. Vary your routine, stop announcing forthcoming engagements. In fact, for the time being, it might be well for you to cancel all public appearances. PRESIDENT: Yes. Yes, that might seem prudent in the circumstances. MORGUS: I'll have your floater brought round to the side entrance. You may leave the building by my private lift. PRESIDENT: Thank you, Morgus. I cannot say how much I appreciate this. MORGUS: Your Excellency's safety is my sole concern. TIMMIN: Sir? MORGUS: Krau Timmin, the most appalling thing has happened. His Excellency TIMMIN: Not the President? MORGUS: Yes, it was all over in a second. I had no time to stop him. This is a tragic loss to the world. TIMMIN: It's dreadful, sir. And that it should have happened in this building. MORGUS: Yes, yes, I am deeply distressed, Krau Timmin. TIMMIN: Naturally you must be, sir. MORGUS: Still, it could have been worse. TIMMIN: In what way, Trau Morgus? MORGUS: It could have been me. You had better tell the members of the Praesidium the sad news. TIMMIN: Yes, sir. MORGUS: In the absence of the President, I am myself flying off immediately to Androzani Minor on a peace mission. TIMMIN: Peace mission, sir? MORGUS: Yes. As Chairman of the Conglomerate, I will negotiate with Sharaz Jek to try to end this horrible carnage. TIMMIN: The world will be for ever in your debt, Krau Morgus. MORGUS: Yes, quite so. Have my private jet ready in ten minutes. TIMMIN: Yes, sir. MORGUS: Oh, and Krau Timmin? Have the lift maintenance engineer shot. [SCENE_BREAK] JEK: Good. Return to your positions. JEK: Drink this. You'll feel better. PERI: Back again? JEK: I'm sorry it was necessary to drug you. The aftereffects will soon pass. PERI: Have you seen the Doctor? JEK: The Doctor? Yes, he's gone to Androzani Major. PERI: What? I don't believe you. JEK: You'll soon forget him, Peri. PERI: But he wouldn't leave me here. He wouldn't. JEK: He had no choice. Some people I do business with decided to take him with them. PERI: Why? JEK: They believed he was spying for the Government. PERI: That's ridiculous. JEK: These petty criminals are invariably paranoid, their twisted little minds infested with distrust and suspicion. PERI: You didn't have to let them take him. You could have stopped them. JEK: To think that I, Sharaz Jek, who once mixed with the highest in the land, am now dependent on the very dregs of society, the base perverted scum who contaminate everything they touch. And it is Morgus who's brought me to this! Morgus destroyed my life! Do you think I'm mad? PERI: No. JEK: I am mad. Do I frighten you? PERI: N-no. JEK: You're so important to me. I've lived so long in these caves, alone, like an animal. Now I can feast my eyes on your delicacy. I can forget the pain and blackness in my mind. It's all in the past. We could think of the future. PERI: What future? [SCENE_BREAK] CHELLAK: She's gone! SALATEEN: She must have been stronger than I thought. CHELLAK: Well, she can't get far, can she? We'll pick her up again, unless she dies first. [SCENE_BREAK] PERI: You know the army are planning to attack? JEK: I know. PERI: But your androids won't fire back because the soldiers will be wearing belt plates. JEK: The belt plates are emitting a signal on eighty beta-cycles. I've changes the recognition code to fifty beta-cycles. General Chellak, my dear, is in for a shock. [SCENE_BREAK] STOTZ (OOV.): Doctor, unlock this door! What are you doing in there? [SCENE_BREAK] STOTZ: Are you going to open this door or not? [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Ah, Stotzy, have you had a good rest? STOTZ (OOV.): Damn you, Doctor, open this door! DOCTOR: Sorry, seems to be locked. [SCENE_BREAK] STOTZ: Krelper, go and get the cutting gear. Now listen, Doctor. [SCENE_BREAK] STOTZ (OOV.): Be reasonable. This won't do you any good. DOCTOR: Stotzy, we'll be touching down in a couple of minutes, or more likely crashing down. You see, I'm a bit out of practice with manual landings, so if I were you, I'd find something firm to hang on to! [SCENE_BREAK] STOTZ: I'll murder you when I get in there, Doctor! [SCENE_BREAK] STOTZ (OOV.): That'll do. STOTZ: All right, snoop. Hands in the air and over here. DOCTOR: Why? STOTZ: Because I'll kill you if you don't. DOCTOR: Not a very persuasive argument actually, Stotz, because I'm going to die soon anyway. Unless, of course STOTZ: I'll give you to a count of three. DOCTOR: Unless, of course, I can find the antidote. I owe it to my friend to try because I got her into this. So you see, I'm not going to let you stop me now!	Plan: A: The Doctor; Q: Who escapes the Mag,a creature? A: prisoner; Q: What is the Doctor taken as by the gun runners? A: The real Salateen; Q: Who takes Peri back to General Challek? A: Sharaz Jek; Q: Who kidnaps Peri? Summary: The Doctor escapes the Mag,a creature and is taken prisoner by the gun runners; The real Salateen takes Peri back to General Challek and is then kidnapped again by Sharaz Jek.
[Brian is fcking Justin on the dining room table. But the minute Brian shoots his load, "Justin" turns back into an ordinary trick and the magic is over.] Trick: That was... one of my Top 10 fcks. Brian: Yeah and one of my Top 10... thousand. Trick: You shoot buckets. You one face the shower? Brian: Go home proudly. I'm busy. Trick: You just kicking me out? Brian: You got it. Trick: Why the best fcks are always the biggest jerks? [Ted and Emmett wake up in their little love nest.] Ted: [softly] Raise and shine, lovely. Emmett: Lover, I love it would. Hmmm, what smells so yummy? Ted: I made you some of my special roast. I hope you like it. Emmett: I like my coffee like I love my man. Strong, full-body and piping hot. Ted: Stop. Emmett: It's true. You're magnificent. Ted: I was? Emmett: Hmmm, so genlte, so observetive. Ted: Well, even if you are my best friend there is something only a lover can tell. Emmett: Lover! I love that word! Ted: And you are...sensational. Emmett: Oh, I'm not! Really? Ted: A miracle you can perform with your tongue, tonting me, teasing me, driving me mad. And your ass. Emmett: Huh? Ted: Your ass is as soft as my new egyptian cotton 2000 sheets. Be careful, don't spill. And they said it would never work. Emmett: Fools, what did they know? Ted: More cream, sweetheart? Emmett: Hmmm, thanks lover. Ted: Lover. How I love that word! [At the diner, Brian fights off the nausea. Ted and Emmett the lovebirds, cooing to each other.] Ted: Have another bite, lemon chop. Emmett: I keep that, Teddy bear. Brian: I'm gonna head my eyebrowns. I don't care what unspeakable act of perversion you two freaks are committed in privaty but you don't have to face it to decent citizens? Emmett: You're just jealous because we have what you don't. Brian: al warts? Ted: A loving, mature relationship! Open up for the choo-choo, Boo. Boo! Debbie: [to Michael] Here you go, honey. How has that shining come up with? Michael: Awww. Debbie: What? It still smarts? [to Brian] Animal! Michael: Leaving him alone, Ma. I ask for it. Debbie: No-one ask to be punshed in the eye! Since when you gay guys used your fists? Emmett: Well, I explain that to you another time. Guy: Hey ya, you wrote Rage, right? Michael: Right. [Justin comes up] I mean, yeah with a partner. Guy: I just want you to know how much it means to me. You know, having a gay superhero. I never had one when I was growing up. Michael: Yeah, me too. Guy: Hey, it's so... when the next issue coming up? Brian: Yeah Micky, when is the next issue coming up? Michael: I'm not sure. Guy: Well, I can't wait. [The guy leaves and Michael goes over to talk to Justin.] Michael: Still here I see. Justin: I try to quit, but your mother wouldn't let me. Michael: Yeah, we all know how her power can be. Justin: Besides, I need the money. Michael: I guess Brian caming up for something. Well, if you need money, the comic book is a big hit. I sold out the first issue already and people are asking... Justin: What do you sayin' we should work together? Michael: We don't have to like each other, but we did make a commitment. Justin: You betrayed me. Michael: You betrayed yourself and Brian. Justin: Look, I don't want anything to do with Rage. Or you. [Mel and Lindz are at the park with a friend, Dusty, and their kids. Mel's on the cell phone and Lindsay plays with Gus.] Mel: [to the cell-phone] Yeah, we're not appealing - it's settled. Yeah, we need a repayment schedule, the notes are on my hard drive. [she hangs up. She's taking out a cookie.] Hey, looking what mommy got for you! Lindsay: Not before lunch! Dusty: Hey Mel! I haven't see you at the park lately. Mel: The only reason I go here when the judge called. Lindsay: I thoughed you'd be in court all day. Mel: They finally set the case. Lindsay: Oh my god, it took 2 years! Dusty: Congratulations, you two guys. Mel: You too Dusty, on your second? Dusty: Two years ago you're right but now I'm waiting for my third. Hey what about you? You are up to another? Lindsay: Oh, you're kidding? I have hands full of one! [Justin and Daphne are having coffee while Ethan fiddles for change. Justin's right hand hurts while he was draw his lover.] Daphne: Are you ok? Justin: Yeah, my hands gets tired sometimes. You know how much he averages a day? 40 bucks! Daphne: I had no idea being a beggar could be so lucrative. Justin: He's not a beggar. He's a street performer. Daphne: (sarcastically) How romantic! Justin: You have no idea. Last night we made love on the roof, underneath the stars. I never did anything like that with Brian. Daphne: I don't know, I recall you having some pretty hot nights. Remember how he'd fck you so hard, you could still feel him inside you the next morning? Your words, darling, not mine! Ethan: [comes to the table] If I have to play La Campanella one more time I'm gonna scream. Justin: My poor little genius! What are you taking term? Daphne: Biocam. What about you? Justin: I'm not. Ethan: What? Justin: I'm dropping out. Daphne: No way! Justin: I have no money. Ethan: Well, who's been paying for it? [Meanwhile, back at the loft, Brian is amusing himself with online sx and phone sx.] Brian: [to the cell phone] I'm sitting on your face while you suck my balls. Guy: "Oh yeah, fck me so hard!" Brian: Why you take another poppers, stick a couple fingers up in your hole and jerk off? I'm wasting my time. What kind of pathetic troll are you!? [He hangs up.] [In the bathroom with Melanie and Lindsay.] Mel: You didn't mean what you've said in the park, didn't you? Lindsay: No cookies before lunch? Mel: About no babies after Gus. Lindsay: Well at least unless he is in pre-school and let's hope we can return to civillian life. Teach, get back to my art. Sarah even said she has enough paintings and giving me a show. How I'm supposed to do that when we have another kid? Mel: I understand, it's not impossible to pop out a baby whenever we want. It requires timing, planning. Lindsay: What time? What plan? [They take a bath together as wll as a joint.] Mel: You'd loved being pregnant. Lindsay: I did? Mel: Oh god, was you ever sexy. Lindsay: I was? Mel: Yeah, your big, hard belly and you're horny all the time. Lindsay: Oh, I can't remember at that time hardly. Mel: OK, how about this? When we brought Gus over from the hospital you've said... I wanna house filled with children. Children who'd there loved. Who are an expression of our love. [They kiss each other.] Lindsay: You are a very good conselor. [They makes out in the bath.] [Ben is cooking dinner for two.] Emmett: Hmm, what's smells so yum and delicious? Michael: Ben's doin' up some meal. Ben: You wanna some? We're have plenty. Emmett: Oh thank you, but I'm on my way to Mr.Right. Michael: I thoughed you hardly met him. Emmett: Oh this is Teddy's and my plan - we find each other in Babylon and they we meet and then we go to his place and fck like bunnies. Ben: Oh, that's cute. Emmett: So you guys hook up later? Ben: Nothing but an desaster can drag us out. Emmett: OK then, don't burn the place down. Ben: Come and get. Michael: These are the words I've been drooling to hear. [Somebody knocks at the door.] Ben: Emmett forget his key? Michael: Emmett never forgets his key. Ben: You don't supposed that can be...? Michael: If you don't answer he go away. Brian: [from outside] You've said I was welcome anytime. Ben: fck! [he opens the door.] Brian: At least give me dinner and snooze me up first. So, what are we having? Ben: Meat crowd. Brian: Never heard beside Meatloaf. Ben: We have only enough for two. Brian: Oh, which one of you wanna join me? Michael: Brian, Ben and I would like to spend an evening at home - alone. Brian: But it's nine inch night at Babylon. Any guy with more than nine inches or more gets in for free - so I figured I'd buy you tickets! Ben: We prefered this one out. [Michael, Ben and Brian end up at Babylon. Ben doesn't seem to be enjoying himself too much, but for Brian and Michael, it's just like old times.] Emmett: Don't you and Michael were spending a quiet evening alone together? Ben: Best unlaid plans. Emmett: I must be tinkle. Ted: Don't be late, lover. [They kiss each other. In Babylon's bathroom, Emmett runs into an old friend.] Dijon: Hey stranger, come here often? Emmett: Only when my boy...Oh my god, it's... Dijon: Dijon. Remember? Emmett: Right, I knew you. Dijon: I have think about you, baby. Emmett: Yeah, that's... that's sweet. Dijon: More like hot, specy. Come back from my flight. Emmett: Oh you are the flight attendant! Dijon: Right, I had a three day layover. Plenty of time to get laid over and over. You still offer for that date? Emmett: Date? Dijon: We meet in the gym a few weeks ago. This will jogg your memory. [He takes Emmett's hand a let them feel his crotch.] Emmett: Oh yeah, it's... it's coming back. Um, as much as I would... love to the world as we know it changed. Dijon: Posted went up? Emmett: I have a boyfriend. Dijon: Well, I won't tell your boyfriend if you won't tell mine. Here is the address. Tomorrow? Say about seven? [He gives Emmett his card and leaves. Emmett go back to piss.] Ted: Hello stranger, come here often? Emmett: Oh, Teddy! It's you. Ted: Who do you think it was? You met someone else? [he giggles] Emmett: Meet someone else? So funny. [Back at the dance floor. Ben kinda bored as Michael and Brian comes to the bar.] Ben: Well, it's time. Ready to go? Brian: The night is young. Michael: You wanna dance? Ben: Michael I've told you - I have class first in the morning. Brian: That's perfect - so you can leave straight to the air. Michael: I got to go. Brian: Sure Mikey, I'll see you tomorrow. [Jennifer meets Ethan in a coffee.] Jennifer: Justin tells me that you're a genius! Ethan: No, I like to think I have my talent from my grandfather. Justin: He was on the concentration camp. Jennifer: Oh,... I'm sorry. Ethan: Luckily he survived and taught me how to play. Jennifer: Thank god. Ethan: I habe also fortune my parents who paid for all those lessons, even they had not much money. Jennifer: Well how nice to hear that someone praising their parents for a change. Justin: I say nice things about you all the time. Ethan: Well, I got to go. I got to practise. Justin: Ethan is the finalist for the competition. Jennifer: That's wonderful. I hope you'll win it. Ethan: Me too. Nice to meet you Mrs.Taylor. Jennifer: My pleasure. Ethan: Thanks again for lunch and you [he kisses him at the mouth] see you later. [he leave Jen and Justin alone.] Jennifer: Well! He seems like an accomplished young man. Justin: Tell me about cute. Jennifer: Very cute. Certainly more appropriate for you than Brian! Not that I have anything against Brian. If it hadn't been for him, I don't know what either of us would have done - Justin: Would you mind if we don't talk about him? I'm with Ethan now. Let me get the tip. Jennifer: Put your money away. Justin: It's not that I'm didn't eat it. Jennifer: Maybe we can help you with this part of it. Justin: You have to care of yourself and Molly. Don't worry about me. Jennifer: Your father misses you as much as you. Justin: Like I give a sh1t. Jennifer: Justin, maybe now after Brian... Justin: I'm not ask dad for a fcking help... Jennifer: It was very generious from your sister. Maybe when you explain the situation he might comes through after all. He's still your father. [Emmett in his workplace - a fashion shop.] Emmett: [on the phone] "I know I was standing here with my razor blade and my life ball up my ass but I need to talk to someone now!" [explain to Brian] I've been waiting for the goddamn gay helpline my call for 15 minutes! Brian: You should tell them you have a really bad ten shop. I'm sure this would be right through. So, what's the problem? Emmett: The problem is... I have this friend... Brian: This would be you. Emmett: ...who is in love with his best friend... Brian: That would be Theodore. Emmett: But before they realised that they're in love my friend meet his previous commitment... Brian: [smiles] A fck date. Emmett: ...with this really, really hot flight attendant. Brian: Dijon, the black mustard? He is a first class fck. As your friend you got a free bonus miles. Emmett: There is a problem - guilt. Brian: Tell him you're protected under the grandfather clause! Emmett: What's that? Brian: That means that any agreement state before the commiment must be honored. Emmett: You mean my friend could actually blow this really hot flight attendand and still be in his rights? Brian: As long as each of them still the mouth shuts, afterwards. [Lindsay and their friend Dusty walking down the street with their stollers.] Lindsay: How about the time? Dusty: Nah, I've already got it. What's so funny? Lindsay: Do you remember when I teaching that class? Sometimes I feel like I'm missin' all the excitement. Melanie is out there, make them a world of better place. What am I doin'? Dusty: Raising beautiful children to live in it. Lindsay: Correction, one child. Dusty: Well, it's not what I hear. Lindsay: What? Dusty: We're two are in the trash machine and still in the news. Lindsay: What big news? Dusty: You names picked out - Shame when it's a boy, Sabrina if it's a girl. Lindsay: Melanie told you having another kid? Dusty: Yeah, she was all excited. Said she couldn't wait. [Brian turns up like a bad penny at the comic store.] Brian: You know, I was puking my guts out last night. Michael: Must be the modern drugs you consumed. Brian: Or maybe that weird asian sh1t Ben cooked. So, what time's dinner? Michael: It's not. We're on my mom's. Brian: Or that should be fun. As much fun as the underwear party. Michael: What underwear party? Brian: The one I'm attending it this evening. Michael: I don't know how you're doin' it. Working all day, fcking all night... Brian: They say the fast into the space the fast you move slow your age. I'll have to say the same whole true to Pittsburgh. You want to join me? Michael: You'll have to stay young without me. Brian: I understand. You're on a committed realtionship with your... what is this hideous expression?... significant other? Looser. [SCENE_BREAK] [Later at the evening. Michael closes his door. Suddenly a men hold his hand over Michael's mouth and swispers.] ?: Do what I'm say and I won't kill ya. Michael: OK, ok, ok, just take it easy. [Brian takes out his lighter and smoke a cigarette.] Michael: fck Brian! Brian: Caught ya! Michael: You scared this sh1t out of me! Why you still here? Brian: I though I drop into the moments. Michael: You are so pathetic! You know that!? Brian: Actually you are! [Later, Michael and Brian in his car. It's raining outside.] Michael: So what times the party starting? Brian: When I get there, of course. Michael: Hey, you missed my Mom's turn. Brian: Oh, what should I say, but we won't. Michael: I told you I can't go out. Turn back. Brian: It's too late. Michael: This isn't funny! Let me out. Brian: Sorry! [he smiles] Michael: I'm calling Ben. [Brian takes Michael's cell phone and hangs up.] Michael: What the fck are you doin'? Give me...! Brian: Sit back and relax. Oh, here your party outfit. [He throws him a jock in his face.] [Emmett at Dijon's.] Emmett: Uh, I can't stay. The only reason I'm here is because my looler. She always told me, if you had the bad news it's best to do it in person. It's just playin' good manners. So, bye. Dijon: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's so hurry, baby? C'mon in. Emmett: I'm gonna afraid it's goin to be impossible to keep this little trist? I'm in a relationship with this really wonderful men. And besides the ... [Dijon leads Emmett to the seat and start attend him.] Dijon: One some drink? Emmett: Uh, Bloody Marry. I have chosen not to. Instead I choose to honored my commitment. Dijon: Peenuts? Emmett: Yes please. So I hope you understand that even if I would really, really like to stay for the in flight entertainment... What's that? Dijon: The airline awared me for servicing 10,000 passengers. Emmett: "To Dijon who'll go to any length to make sure satisfaction is guaranteed." [He opens his trousers.] Emmett: I see what they mean "by any length." Dijon: And I'll see you audiende the upgrade load position. [At Debbie's home. Debbie is at the phone.] Debbie: "Where the hell are you, little asshole!? I'll call and leaving messages for you for over an hour! And no one fcking bu from you! You'd better be on your way, so all I got to say my goddamn dinner is gonna be to sh1t! Lover, mother!" [she hangs up] Vic: This breat's not bad for a door stop. Debbie: Shut up! So it's a dried out mess, that's what I'm say. Use the sauce. Well, will we go ahead with our dinner? With or without my son. Vic: You know it isn't like Michael not to show up, or even called. Debbie: We know exactly like ... you know who. Ben: Who? Brian? Debbie: You win the wheel. Ben: What makes you think he's with Brian? Vic: You've said he was with you every night this week. Debbie: And last. Ben: Yeah, Brian needs his best friend right now. He would never admit that, he said that he does give a sh1t. Excuse me. Vic: Cover your hear, sis. Ben: But he has hurting inside and the more he's hurting, the more he tries to hide it. Debbie: What any incredible, kind, compassioned thing to say. You're really a hell of a nice guy. Ben: Thank you, Debbie. Debbie: fck nice! Unless he's not on his senses that the boyfriend he have Brian can keep him off to god knows where and he should be here with you! Ben: It's not up to me. I can't control him. Vic: Why not? She's be doin' this for thirty years. Debbie: Let's hope Michael wakes up and realizes he's just a substitute for Justin! Vic: Only trouble is, the substitute is usually the last to know. Debbie: Sauce? [At Linds and Mel's house. Mel working at the PC. Lindsay comes in, pissed.] Lindsay: Your son was a little krust tonight. Mel: I love when he's kranky he's my son. You go kranky yourself. Lindsay: Do I? I went to the supermarket this day. Mel: Mmmmh? Lindsay: I was running into Dusty who told me the most astonishing news. Mel: Really? What? Lindsay: You and I having another baby. Gee, why didn't you tell me? Mel: Well, we'll talked about it last night and I though we decided... Lindsay: We didn't decided anything. I said, I've think about it. And since I'll be carrying it, do you think I should have at least some say to me? Mel: Of course you should, honey... Lindsay: Stop to turn me down. You're not my goddamn parents. Mel: I'm not start to playing Kate and I'm definately not your parents. Lindsay: Oh, compared to us they got the alternative lifestyle - a happied married straight couple of 1962. Mel: All I've said is that I would like to have another child. Lindsay: You because your the breath winner, that give you the right to tell me to pop out another love? If you wanna have another baby so badly, you have to yourself. Mel: I can't believe you've said that. That's not fair! You know I can't have children and you goddamn know what the doctors said. Lindsay: That was years ago, you and I both know there are new procedures. They could zap you with a laser and you'd be as fertile as Mother Earth! But if you let me to have the experience to have children because you wanna play dad, passing out he was! Sorry Mel, no cigare! [Justin at his father's house. Craig pours himself Wodka.] Craig: You want a soda? Justin: I'll take the same as you. Craig: I'll never see you have a drink. Justin: It's because I still waited until your out of the house. Or asleep. Craig: Molly tells me your better. Justin: I'm doin' alright. Woman: Honey? Craig: I'll be right back. [Craig's girlfriend kisses him and leaves to house.] Justin: She is pretty. Craig: Yeah, her name is Lory. We've be seeing each other for an year now. Justin: I brought some of my latest work. I thoughed you might see some. Craig: Sure.I'm not more of an art critic. It's very good. Justin: The new terms coming out. I need some financial assistence. I was hoping you maybe help me out. Craig: Justin, I told you, when you applying to colleges... Justin: I know what you've told me. But now that I'm completed my first year with honors, spite out of hand, I though you changed your mind. I can't get a scholorship because you have much money. And I can't go to school and to work fulltime. Craig: What about Brian? Justin: We're not together anymore. Craig: Finally, some good news! I'm glad to see you come to your senses. Now if you wanna talk to go to Dartmouth... Justin: Dad, I'm never gonna be a businessman and I'm never gonna be straight. Craig: You know, when you were a kid one thing that meant the most to you, even more than other make you happy, is making me proud. Whatever you aim, it was always me you coming run to. And no father couldn't be prouder of a son that was you. Justin: Now your ashamed? Craig: No... Justin: That I'm not the man you wanna me to be? Well, I'm the man I want to be, I'm the only man I can be. If you can't be proud of me for that, then that's your problem. [He walks out.] [Brian and Michael at the underwear party.] Michael: Give me the keys of the fcking car! And I'm gonna leave you here! Brian: That's fine with me! Michael: Give me my phone! [Brian gives to phone to Michael.] Michael: Thank you. The batteries almost dead! Brian: I know, I was feeding almost its energy. Michael: [tries to call] Ben? Ben, can you hear me? I'll be a little late, explain later. Hello? [he hangs up] sh1t, I lost him. Brian: Well as long as you here you mind to take off your clothes? And join the party. Michael: I don't want to! Brian: You know, this remains me of the first time you blindful I'm tooking you to the Liberty Bath. You were so hot walking down the halls...and your still hot. Michael: I said no! Brian: You rather watch? That can be arranged. [Brian grabs Michael and leading him around the corner and shows him hot guys in white underwears making out.] Brian: You see that fine upstanding man? First I'm gonna wear out my cock, then I need you around at the back to start fingering... [he kisses Michael's neck. Brian goes over to the hot guy and look straight in Michaels eyes. Brian makes out.] [Next day. At the empty Liberty diner. Mel is the only guest who's doin paperworks. Debbie drinks some coffee.] Mel: I need to do some work done in peace. Debbie: And I need a break winners. Mel: Do you mind if we don't talk about it? I try to watch my cops. Debbie: How about some eggs? Mel: Don't even mention eggs. Eggs are the last things I want to. Debbie: Any problems with prune? Mel honey, after a healthy breakfast the best way to start the day is by telling me what's the fck is goin' on? Mel: Lindsay says if I want another baby I should care it myself. Debbie: Sounds fair to me. Mel: Even if I could... I never pictured out myself the birth and baby stay. All the fuss and the muss... Debbie: Well it's definitely not for control-freaks or the faint off heart. Mel: That's lets me out. See, my life works best when it's goin' to plan - my plan and for paying... it's not for me. Debbie: So you rather leave the dirty work to her? Mel: That's not that. Debbie: Well, what is it then? Mel: Is that she's... braver and stronger and a better woman. And that I'll never be. Debbie: That's the biggest load of bullshit I've ever heard. I'm not telling you it isn't scary, because it's fcking terrifying. And I'm not tell you that isn't painful, oh it's seems I forgotten. But I am telling you, having a kid is the number one, top rated experience in my life. And I hate to see you think you're not woman enough... pff. How about I get you some eggs and makes a nice, fresh bunn? OK. [The morning after the underwear party, Michael has a hangover and a pissed-off boyfriend.] Ben: I don't expect your up so early. Michael: It was 1:30. Ben: Tried to 4:50. Michael: He kidnapped me. Ben: He kidnapped you? Michael: Yeah, and then he took my cell phone and he shufted down his pants. Ben: This is certainly out of your calling area. Michael: I'm really sorry. Ben: I was the one who told you to hanging out with him. But I does think when you ask me to move in with you, you actually here from time to time. Michael: I wanted to be. Ben: This isn't one such a good idea. Michael: What? Ben: That we live together. Michael: Of course it is! Ben: We didn't plan on it, Michael, it's just happened out of circumstance. Michael: So? Ben: So maybe we're not ready. Maybe there are some things in our lives we need to work out first. Maybe I should find my own apartment. [With that he leaves.] [Ted and Emmett are at the gym.] Ted: Don't use all your energy, honey. Safe some for our work-out. [Suddenly Dijon comes up. Emmett freezes.] Emmett: Oh! Ah! Ted: What's wrong, sweety? Emmett: I thing I pulled my muscle. Ted: Poor baby. Emmett: It's ok. I think I put some heat on it. I go to the steam room. Dijon: Hey, sweet Em. Emmett: Oh, hey. Teddy, this is Dijon, like the mustard. This is Ted, my boyfriend, the one who's I'm in the realtionship with. Dijon: Right. I'm on the flight tonight to Miami. Emmett: Oh my god, I mean this is good for you. Here out of here, cold... Dijon: And... [he goes closer to Emmett] I'll give you a call. [Dijon goes away.] Ted: Why he should give you a call? Emmett: He is a flight attendend. I'm sure he's might be able to get us an upgrade. Ted: But we're not goin' anywhere. Why he was touching you like that? Emmett: Um, he's got an award for service. He is very attentive. Ted: I've noticed. He did it with you, didn't you? [no answer.] Well, at least I know what muscle you have pulled. [Justin - with Ethan goes to PIFA's office.] Woman: I'm afraid I don't see what the problem is. Ethan: The problem is, that unless Mr.Taylor is allowed to continued his studies, the world is gonna be depride to his staggering gift. Woman: And that will be a shame. Justin: Is there any way that I can defer tutittion until I figured out how to get the loan? Woman: You don't need a loan. Ethan: How else he's supposed to pay? Woman: It's already been paid. It's in your file. Ethan: [to Justin] You've said your asshole father refused. Justin: He did. I mean, I though he did. Woman: Well apparently he changes his mind. Ethan: Whatever you've said to him it worked. [Ethan kisses Justin.] Woman: Congratulations, Mr.Taylor. The world can disappaid your gift. [Brian's loft. Brian watching an old movie. It knocks at the door - he didn't answer it. The door opens.] Brian: You planning on coming in? [Justin hesitates, looking around] Brian: If you're looking for someone, there's no one else here. Justin: For a change. Is that a new coffeetable? Brian: Mies van der Rohe. Justin: Mmm..must have cost a fortune. Brian: Yup Justin: I went by the Bursar's office today. I can't accept it. Brian: What? Justin: The tuition. Brian: Oh. That. Why, is someone else covering it? Justin: No. Brian: Well then, you can't afford not to. Justin: But we're not together anymore. Brian: We signed an agreement. I'll pay for your school, you pay me back with interest. Justin: You don't have to honor it. Brian: A deal's a deal. Justin: I could be poor for a long time. Brian: Yeah, well, knowing your tastes you'd better not be. Justin: It's not like I have a shitload of great moneymaking opportunities Brian: You have one. [He turns to leave.] Brian: Aren't you forgetting something? Justin: Thank you. Brian: Not that, that - your computer. I packed it for you. Justin: It's yours Brian: Bullshit. You need it. Take it. [Brian doesn't look as Justin takes the computer.] [At Jerk-at-work. Ted is furies.] Ted: A grandfather collopse? I don't believe you do such a excuse! And then you leave the house and tell him, you couldn't see him... Emmett: Dijon. Ted: Yeah, whatever! Would you go please!? Emmett: You know one thing I wish more than anything in the world right now? I wish I could talk to my best friend, Teddy. He is so wise and caring. But now he's my boyfriend and well there are some things you can't say to your boyfriend, no matter how much you love him. Ted: What is it? Emmett: I'll don't know what's wrong with me. I mean, I must be crazy or worser. Get together with this really wonderful guy. And now I go do something to someone that means absolutely nothing to me. I mean, why do I do these things? Ted: Because you never met a cock you didn't like. It's part of your charm, so don't be so hard on yourself. That would your best friends speaking. But as your boyfriend I have to say, what you did was the flagrant betrayal! And I'm not sure if I could trust you again. Then again, as your best friend, it's understandable to give in temptation - I mean you've been single all these years, it's not easy to settle down and deny. But there is something to noticed as your best friend it's another thing to accept it as your lover. Emmett: I'm sorry Teddy... for hurting you and... for destroying what you might have had. [Emmett cries. Ted give him a tissue.] Ted: Here, it usually don't used for whiping tears. Emmett: Yeah, I know. I hope you don't hating me. Ted: I don't hate you. I love you. I know you very well - and I still love you. Emmett: Are you.. are you sayin' this as my best friend... or my lover? Ted: Both. [Emmett starts to cry again. Ted stands up, umbrace Em and give him a kiss on his check.] Emmett: I'm sorry, honey. So sorry... Ted: I know, I know. [Justin comes into the comic store.] Justin: You're open late. Michael: Inventory. I suppose you came for this. Justin: 600 dollars? Michael: That's what we made on Rage so far minus the costs. I meant to bring it to the diner but... Justin: OK, I was thinking. What if JT plays the trumpet for his highschool band and Rage teaches him with his mind control powers to play a note so loud and so high that he can blow things up? Michael: Like his homopobic principal? Not bad. Justin: It's fckin' genius - you know it. Michael: Except I though you didn't wanna worked together anymore. Justin: A deal's a deal. [He goes away. His cell phone rings.] Michael: Where are you? Brian: "We're you never grow old!" Michael: What!? Brian: "Where everything is beautiful!" Michael: I should have guessed. Brian: "C'mon Mikey, we can go beautiful together, just you and me." Michael: I can't tonight. I've said I can't. I'm gotta go home. Home! Yeah, and when I'm be lucky he'll be there. [Cut to Babylon. Brian dancing at Babylon, all fcked up - between the other young studs.] Music: Let's Get Intimate (Jamie's Carnival Mix) - from Body 2 Body	Plan: A: Brian; Q: Who did Justin leave to go to school? A: Justin; Q: Who must find a way to pay for school? A: Lindsay's surprise; Q: What is Melanie's desire to have another baby? A: Emmett; Q: Who discovers a loophole in his relationship with Ted? A: a previously arranged liaison; Q: What does Emmett want to honor with Ted? Summary: Having left Brian, Justin must find a way to pay for school; much to Lindsay's surprise, Melanie expresses her desire to have another baby; Emmett discovers a loophole in his relationship with Ted in order to honor a previously arranged liaison.
Act 1 Scene 1 - The Radio Station Fade in. Frasier is on the air. Frasier: Well, Roz, I think we have just enough time for one more call. Roz: Okay, we have Andy from Bremerton on line three. Frasier: Hello, Andy, I'm listening. Andy: [v.o.] Am I on? Frasier: Yes, go ahead. Andy: Can you hear me? Frasier: Yes, you're on the air. Andy: Hello? Frasier: You're on. Andy: Am I on? Frasier: Not any more. [cuts him off] This is Dr. Frasier Crane on KACL, wishing you good mental health. Frasier and Roz disconnect and take their headsets off. Kenny comes in with several other KACL people. Kenny: Gather round everyone. Frasier: Oh, Kenny, what's all this? Kenny: I'm here to officially announce this year's SeaBea nominations. Frasier: Oh, well. Gil: He made us wait until your show was over. It was interminable. Kenny: First of all, KACL has been nominated for a total of nine SeaBeas. Everyone makes happy noises over this. Kenny: Which ties us with KPXY, the mighty Pixie, for most nominations. Frasier: Yes, the mighty Pixie, they do very well. Kenny: Now, all the nominees were chosen by a panel of experts... Roz: Just give me that! She snatches the paper away from Kenny. Frasier: Good girl, Roz. Roz: Oh, here's one: "Best Restaurant Critic: Gil Chesterton." Gil: Oh, thank God I'm nominated! Now I won't have to attend "The Chestertons." Roz: "The Chestertons?" Gil: It's an elaborate awards show my wife and the dogs put on when I'm overlooked by the SeaBeas. Frasier: Roz, I don't see our names anywhere. Roz: No, nothing, we've been shut out. I don't believe it! Kenny: Well, what do I have here? Kenny holds up a folded piece of paper. Frasier: There are more awards? Kenny unfolds the paper to read. Kenny: Maybe. I guess you'll just have to listen and find out. "Since 1962, the Seattle broadcasting community..." Roz: Give me that! Roz snatches the paper away and reads it quickly. Roz: Oh my God, Frasier! You're getting a lifetime achievement award! Frasier: What? Are you serious?! Roz: Yes, it says right here: "Since 1962..." Frasier: Give me that! He snatches the paper away from her and reads it. Roz glances at Kenny. Kenny: Hurts, doesn't it? Roz nods, looking a bit guilty. FADE OUT. Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment Fade in. Frasier is holding one of his pieces of African art, practicing his acceptance speech in front of Eddie. Frasier: When I was a boy, my parents told me to reach for the stars. Sadly, I later learned that stars are just massive fiery balls of gas, which, were I to reach one, would vaporize me instantly. But tonight, with the Stephen R. Schafer Lifetime Achievement Award, you tell me that I have reached you, and you, ladies and gentlemen, are my stars. [to Eddie] And that's where you would applaud. Eddie lets out a big yawn and scurries off to the bedrooms. Martin comes from there wearing a tuxedo. Martin: I gotta say, Fras, it's really somethin', you gettin' this award. He sits as the doorbell rings. Frasier: Yes, Dad, it's actually quite an honor. You know, customarily, they give them out to much older people. He answers the door to reveal Niles holding a basket of flowers. Niles: Hello. Frasier: Oh, Niles, flowers! How very thoughtful of you! Niles: They're not from me. Frasier: Well, thank you for bringing them up. Niles: Well, actually, they were just outside the door. Frasier: Well, thank you for bending over and picking them up. Niles: Well it wasn't that far, the handle... Frasier: Just give them to me! He takes the flowers and puts them on the table behind the couch. He takes the card and reads it aloud. Frasier: "Congratulations, Frasier. You must be very proud. William Tewksbury." Martin: Who's that? Frasier: He's my old mentor from Harvard, Dad. Gosh, you know, I read in the alumni newsletter that he was taking his sabbatical here at the University of Washington, I've been meaning to call him. Martin holds a bag out to Niles. Martin: Niles, somethin' here for you. Niles: For me, what for? Martin: Well, this may be Frasier's night, but I just want you to know that I have two special sons. Niles: Dad, how considerate. He pulls a mug out. Niles: "World's Greatest Psychiatrist." Martin: See, your brother's not the only one gettin' a prize tonight. Daphne comes in from her room. Niles: Thanks, Dad. Oh, there's my little rose bud. Hello. He goes to Daphne, Frasier whispers to Martin. Frasier: Is it my imagination, or has she gained weight since breakfast? Martin: Which seating? Eight, nine, or ten? Niles: Oh, darling, you're undone. Daphne: I know. This dress used to fit perfectly, now I can't even get it zipped halfway up. Those bloody cleaners must have shrunk it. Niles: Let me give it a try. He strains at the zipper, then puts his knee up to get more leverage, but can't move it. Niles: Oh, my. Daphne: Maybe if I put a jacket on. Would you come help me pick one out? Niles: Sure, sure. You know, you should switch dry cleaners, that's the third dress they've shrunk this week. They exit to her room. Frasier: Dad, what do you make of this? [reading card] "Congratulations, Frasier. You must be very proud." Martin: Well, I'd say he's happy for you. Of course, I was a detective, so it comes easy to me. Frasier: He doesn't say he's proud of me, he says that I should be proud of myself. Doesn't that seem a bit odd to you? Martin: No, you're splittin' hairs. Frasier: You don't know Dr. Tewksbury like I do. He wouldn't say something like this unless he meant to say something else. Martin: You're gonna let this ruin the whole night for you, aren't you? Frasier: No, no, of course not, Dad. I just think it's interesting, that's all. He rises and gets his coat. Frasier: You know, Dad, I'm gonna head over to the SeaBeas a little early. I'll see you there. Martin: Why? Frasier: Well, I thought I should... familiarize myself with the dais. Martin: Frasier, it's just a note. Frasier: I know, Dad. Martin: It doesn't mean anything. Frasier: I know, Dad. Martin: Say "Hi" to Dr. Tewksbury for me. Frasier: I will, Dad. He exits. FADE OUT. Scene 3 - Dr. Tewksbury's Office Fade in. Dr. Tewksbury is at his desk, straightening up. Frasier comes in. Frasier: Dr. Tewksbury? Frasier Crane. Tewksbury: Of course! Frasier. It's good to see you. Frasier: Likewise. Tewksbury: How long has it been? Frasier: Oh, gosh, perhaps...twenty years. Tewksbury: That long? Frasier: Yeah. Actually, I was on my way to the awards ceremony and I thought I'd drop by and thank you for the flowers. And the card. Tewksbury: You're welcome. Frasier: It was very thoughtful of you. Tewksbury: I was happy to do it. Frasier: Particularly the card. Tewksbury: I'm glad you liked it. Frasier: All right, let's cut the bull. "You must be very proud." Why not "I'm proud of you"? Why speculation rather than declaration? We both know there are no mistakes. There must have been some reason either conscious or subconscious that you chose these words. Tewksbury: Frasier, I have a confession to make. Frasier: Ah! Tewksbury: My assistant wrote the card. Frasier: Oh. Tewksbury: You see, when I heard you were getting an award, I asked her to send flowers with a note of congratulations. I'm afraid you've been over analyzing. Frasier: I see. Then again, perhaps, in that order to your assistant, you subconsciously transmitted an emotion that you couldn't or didn't want to acknowledge. Tewksbury: Or perhaps your subconscious assigned new meaning to the words to reflect your self-doubt. Frasier: But all art is self portraiture, and that includes the written word. Tewksbury: However, we can only view art through the lens of our own psyches. Frasier: Then there is no pure art. Tewksbury: How would you know? Beat. Frasier: God, I've missed you! They hug. Tewksbury: Frasier, of course I'm proud of you. Frasier: Thank you. It's so nice to know that, it really is. Thank you. Tewksbury: Oh, I really wish we had more time to talk, but I'm taking my wife out to dinner tonight, I have to pick up some flowers before the shops close. Frasier: Yes, yes, of course. Tewksbury: This time, I think I'll write the card myself. Frasier: Yes, that's a good idea. Gosh, it was great to see you again. Tewksbury: Yes. Let's get together some evening. Frasier: Oh, I'd like that. Tewksbury: It's not often I get to dine with the recipient of a lifetime achievement award. Frasier: Oh, please, it's just a trinket for a little radio show I do. Uh, not that by "little" I mean to minimize my achievement. Tewksbury: I know. Frasier: I know you know. I just want to be clear, so that you don't infer any meanings that aren't actually there. Tewksbury: What might I infer? Frasier: Oh, you know, that I'm somehow dissatisfied with my work, something like that. Tewksbury: You also called the award a trinket. Can you imagine what I might have done with that? Frasier: Exactly. A lesser therapist might say that I, I didn't think much of an award that they're willing to give to the likes of me. Tewksbury: I suppose if one were looking hard enough, one could even say your coming down here was a desperate quest for approval. Frasier: Well, that one's a little out there. Tewksbury: Frasier, you don't have to worry. I'm not inferring anything. Enjoy yourself this evening. Frasier: I will. Because tonight is my night. Tewksbury: Yes. Frasier: So long, Professor. Tewksbury: Goodbye. Frasier leaves. Dr. Tewksbury gets his things together and shakes his head reflectively. Tewksbury: Oh, Frasier... He goes out and locks the door behind him. Turning around, he sees Frasier sitting on the steps, his head in his hand. Tewksbury: Frasier? Frasier: What the hell is wrong with me? Tewksbury pats him on the back and urges him towards the office. End of Act 1 Act 2 Scene 1 - Dr. Tewksbury's Office Fade in. Frasier is looking out the window, Dr. Tewksbury is on the phone. Tewksbury: Yes, dear, I know we have reservations but one of my former students is having a minor crisis. I'll be there in half an hour. Frasier: [shouting out the window] WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? Tewksbury: Make it an hour. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 2 - The SeaBea Awards Fade in. Martin, Niles and Daphne are sitting at their table. Roz comes up. Roz: Hello everybody. Martin: Hey, Roz. Whoa! You look great, Roz! Daphne: Yeah, that's a beautiful dress. Roz: Thank you. And after two weeks of eating delicious fat-burning cabbage soup, it finally fits. Daphne: Niles made me cabbage with me ossu buco last night. If I knew it burned fat, I would have had a fourth helping. Niles: Well, we do have leftovers. Daphne: No we don't. Roz: [aside to Martin] I haven't seen Daphne in a while. Is it my imagination...? Martin: No. Six squares a day. Roz: That's not like her. Maybe she's depressed. That's when I eat. Did you say anything to her? Martin: Nope. Timing's very delicate in somethin' like this, Roz. I figured I'd wait until after she's too big to catch me but before she needs the motorized scooter. She laughs. He holds her chair for her. They sit and Kenny comes over. Kenny: Hey, has anyone seen Frasier? Martin: No, not yet. What's the matter, you look pale. Kenny: Well, I hate public speaking, and they roped me into giving Frasier's introduction and I want to make sure it's okay. Martin: Well, why don't you run it by Niles? He's a psychiatrist too. And he's just as smart and successful as Frasier. Niles: Dad... Martin: It's true, you are. [to Kenny] He is. Gil comes up to the table. Roz: Hey, Gil. So, where is that elusive wife of yours? He sits and takes a drink of water. Gil: If you must know, Deb's on maneuvers with her reserve unit. An emcee comes to the microphone. Emcee: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this year's Seattle Broadcasting Awards. Let's get right to our first category: outstanding restaurant critic. And the nominees are: Merrill George for "Cafe Chat", Sheldon Hastings for "Here's Looking at Food" and Gil Chesterton for "Restaurant Beat." And... we have a tie! Gil: They expect me to share? What is this, dim sum? Emcee: And the SeaBeas go to Merrill George and Sheldon Hastings. Applause. Gil: No, this can't be happening. Roz: Oh, come on, Gil, isn't it enough just to be nominated? Gil: You tell me, Miss Three-Time-Loser! Roz looks shocked, then glares at him in a slow burn. FADE OUT. HE WORE HIS FIRST SMOKING JACKET AT 12 [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 3 - Dr. Tewksbury's Office Fade in. Frasier is talking to Tewksbury. Frasier: I know I should be happy but I feel so dissatisfied. Tewksbury: Well, Frasier, it's no accident that you're going through this on the day that you receive your lifetime achievement award. Frasier: Well, duh. [then] I'm sorry, I'm just acting out. Please, please. Continue, please. He sits down in front of Tewksbury. Tewksbury: As you know, men in our society commonly define themselves by their careers. Frasier: Yes, I'll cop to that. In fact, there's nothing I'm more proud of than my career. It's because I love to help people, I always have. Tewksbury: All right, refresh my memory. Wasn't it your mother who first sparked your interest in psychiatry? Frasier: Yes, it was. I remember the exact day. I was eight. I'd come home crying because one of the older boys had thrown my copy of "The Fountainhead" under a bus. My mother explained to me it wasn't because he didn't like the way I walked or because I wore an ascot to school, it was because he didn't like himself. And at that very moment, I became a student of human behavior. It was as if someone had given me an instruction manual explaining why people acted the way they did. Tewksbury: Not to mention a way to distance yourself from painful emotions. Frasier: Oh, totally. I took a lot of grief for that ascot. Tewksbury: So, you were drawn to psychiatry not because you like to help people, but because you feared them. Frasier: I feared them? Tewksbury: Psychiatry gives you objectivity. Objectivity gives you emotional distance. Distance makes you feel safe. Frasier: Yes, yes, granted. But what does that got to do with me? Tewksbury: How's your practice? Frasier: I don't have a practice, I have a radio show. Tewksbury: Distance. Any children? Frasier: Yes, I have a wonderful son with whom I'm very close. Tewksbury: You live with him? Frasier: He lives in Boston. Tewksbury: Distance. With your wife. Frasier: My ex-wife - yes, I know, distance. Tewksbury: Wasn't she a psychiatrist? Frasier: Yes, she was. She happens to be a damn good one, too. Tewksbury: Well, that's a handy choice for someone who'd rather share ideas than emotions. Frasier: Have you ever met Lilith? Tewksbury: No. Frasier: Well, she happens to be a very warm and loving woman! Tewksbury: Have you had any other meaningful relationships since then? Frasier: Well, as a matter of fact... what is your point? Tewksbury: My point is that at the age of eight - at EIGHT - you began to use psychiatry as a way to deal with a world that scared you to death. And this lifetime achievement award has made you realize that your career is finite and once it's gone, all you'll have left is that frightened eight-year-old boy. Long Pause. Then Frasier stands up and gets his coat. Frasier: Well... would you like to hear my theory? You have no idea what you're talking about. I am not an eight-year-old. He opens the door. Frasier: And you know something else? You're not my mentor any more! He storms out. FADE OUT. Scene 4 - The SeaBea Awards Fade in. The gang are enjoying dinner at their table. Daphne: Roz, you going to eat your quiche? Roz: Are you kidding? This would be like pulling the ripcord on my thighs. It's nothing but cheese and butter and pastry... Daphne: And bacon! You sure you don't mind? She reaches over and takes it. Niles comes over and sits down. Niles: I have good news. I just spoke to Frasier, he's on his way. Martin: Oh, thank goodness. Not that I'm not having a good time with you, Niles. Roz gets up and crosses to sit by Daphne. Niles: Dad, I know what you're doing. You don't have to overcompensate. I'm not some green-eyed monster burning with envy for Frasier. Martin: All right. But if you were, I bet you'd be a great one. Roz gets up and sits next to Daphne. Roz: Daphne? I haven't seen you in a while. How've you been, are you okay? Daphne: I'm better than okay. I'm in love with a man who loves me. He showers me with attention. Every morning I wake up wondering what treasures this day will bring. It really is the happiest time of my life. And how are you? Roz: [choked] Good. [flat] Really good. [to Kenny] Could you pass me Frasier's quiche? Kenny passes it over. Roz picks it up with her hand and takes a big bite. Roz: And the butter? He passes it over. FADE OUT. Scene 5 - Dr. Tewksbury's Office Fade in. Dr. Tewksbury is preparing to leave again. Frasier bursts in. Frasier: All right, professor. You know, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but I'm afraid you've lost your touch. Where's your DSM? Tewksbury: Uh, there. He points to a large reference book that Frasier picks up and begins searching through. Frasier: "Emotionally stunted eight-year-old," my eye! [finds the reference] Ah, here's what I'm going through: "Phase-of-life issue: a problem associated with a particular developmental phase or other life circumstance." Tewksbury: Please. A mid-life crisis? Frasier: Obvious, really. You know, I'm surprised it didn't occur to me sooner. If someone had called into my show with this problem, I'd have diagnosed it inside a minute. Tewksbury: And then what would you have done? Frasier: That depends on the caller. Tewksbury: All right. The caller... is you. He sets a chair out and motions Frasier to sit. Frasier: Fine. He sits in the chair and Tewksbury sets another chair facing him. Tewksbury: On line one, we have Frasier Crane from Seattle. Frasier: Hello, Dr. Crane. I love your show, I'm a big fan. [laughs, then] I won't bore you with all the details of my life... because you know them. Suffice to say, I'm a successful psychiatrist. My problem is that, in spite of the life I've built, I feel... empty. He gets up and moves to the other chair at Tewksbury's gesture. Frasier: Ah, emptiness. The eternal void. If I'm not mistaken, it was John Keats who once wrote... Tewksbury: Stalling. Deal with the feelings. Frasier: All right, fair enough. Perhaps caller, if we reframe the issue... Tewksbury: Redefining the problem. Deal with the feelings. Frasier: Uh... let's run down Beck�s Depression Inventory... Tewksbury: Re-diagnosing. You know what the problem is: the caller feels empty. Go on. Frasier: All right. Last month in the New England Journal... Tewksbury: He's already read it. Frasier: How do you know? Tewksbury: The caller is Frasier Crane. If you did, he did. Frasier: I can suggest certain visualization techniques... Tewksbury: He knows them already. Frasier: Look, if he knows all this, then why is he calling? Tewksbury: He told you: because he's empty. Keep going. Frasier: Sometimes it helps to write yourself a letter... Tewksbury: He's already got himself on the phone. Frasier: I don't know what he wants! Tewksbury: Then why do you keep trying to bury him in psychiatric exercises? Frasier: Because that's all I have! Tewksbury gives him a knowing, sad look. Frasier: I'm sorry, caller, I can't help you. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 6 - The SeaBea Awards Fade in. Kenny hurries over to the table again. Kenny: Frasier's up next. He's not here yet, what the hell am I gonna do? Niles: Well, he'll be here in a minute. Just go up there and stall. Kenny: [panicked] Stall? Stall? Niles: Yes, like that. Emcee: Ladies and gentleman, our next presenter, KACL General Manager, Kenny Daily. The guests clap, Kenny freezes. Kenny: I think I'm gonna be sick. Niles: Oh, fine, relax. I'll go up there for you. Martin: No, Niles, let me do it. This night's been hard enough on you already. He gets up and Kenny sits down. Roz: You are such a weenie. Kenny: [suddenly much calmer] Yeah. Weenie like a fox. Martin: Actually, ladies and gentlemen, I'm Martin Crane. Kenny very kindly let me do the honors. You see, I'm Frasier's dad. They applaud. Martin: No, no. More than that, I'm the father of two special guys. So if it's okay with you, I'd like you to give a big SeaBea welcome to my other son, Niles. C'mon, Niles, stand up, let 'em see you. Niles, a bit embarrassed, rises. Martin: Oh, here's Frasier. Niles sits back down. Martin: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the winner of the Stephen R. Shafer Lifetime Achievement Award, my son, Frasier Crane. Frasier steps up and takes the award as everyone applauds. Frasier: Ah. Thank you for honoring my life. Just wish I knew what to do with the rest of it. The guests laugh. Frasier stands for a moment, then walks off. Martin and Kenny look surprised. Roz: What the hell was that? [SCENE_BREAK] Gil takes the podium, receiving his SeaBea. The guests applaud loudly, getting to their feet. The busboy then wakes Gil up so he can clean the tables. Gil wanders off, looking dejected.	Plan: A: nine nominations; Q: How many nominations does KACL have in this year's Seattle Broadcasting Awards? A: the Stephen R. Shafer Lifetime Achievement Award; Q: What award is Frasier receiving? A: Harvard; Q: Where did Dr. William Tewkesbury attend school? A: Dr. William Tewkesbury; Q: Who wrote the congratulatory note to Frasier? A: René Auberjonois; Q: Who played Dr. William Tewkesbury? A: the note; Q: What does Frasier worry is missing a subtext? A: a possible subtext; Q: What does Frasier ask Dr. Tewkesbury about the note? A: his secretary; Q: Who wrote the note for Dr. Tewkesbury? A: the ensuing conversation; Q: What sets Frasier thinking about his achievements? A: his achievements; Q: What does Frasier think about after he receives the award? A: emptiness; Q: What does Frasier feel after talking to Dr. Tewkesbury? A: Martin; Q: Who is trying to reassure Niles that he is just as successful as Frasier? A: constant reassurance; Q: What does Martin give Niles to help him feel better about his award? A: Daphne; Q: Who has continued to eat constantly and put on weight? A: weight; Q: What has Daphne put on that Niles has not noticed? Summary: KACL has nine nominations in this year's Seattle Broadcasting Awards, and Frasier is being given the Stephen R. Shafer Lifetime Achievement Award. He receives some flowers and a congratulatory note from his old Harvard mentor, Dr. William Tewkesbury ( René Auberjonois ). He begins to worry that the note says "you must be very proud", and not "I am proud of you". He decides to call on Dr. Tewkesbury before attending the award ceremony, to ask him about a possible subtext in the note. There is none; his secretary wrote it for him. However, the ensuing conversation sets Frasier thinking about his achievements, and he suddenly feels a terrible sense of emptiness. Meanwhile, Martin is doing his best to give Niles constant reassurance that, although Frasier is the one receiving an award, Niles is just as successful. Niles is touched, but finds his efforts a little tiresome. Daphne has continued to eat constantly and put on weight, and Niles is the only one who has not noticed.
Andy: What about this one? It's kinda badass, right? Just seems kinda crazy in a way I might need right now. Jim: I don't know. [looks at Stanley, who took his mug and is drinking out of it] Oh! That's... not... yours. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Stanley just drank OJ out of my mug, and didn't seem to realize that it wasn't his hot coffee. So the question has to be asked, is there no limit to what he won't notice? [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: What's a seven letter word for purse? Kevin: [sitting at Phyllis' desk, dressed like Phyllis; high pitched voice] Satchel! Stanley: Nope. Starts with an H. Andy: [shirtless, wearing only a tie] Handbag. Stanley: Hmmm. [glances at Andy] Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Shh! Shhh! [watches Jim put a cardboard box over Stanley's monitor] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [standing outside the conference room, wearing fake teeth, watching Stanley walk in] All right, everybody, take a seat. As you may have heard, our branch on the planet Jupiter is up eight thousand percent in sales! All: Yay! [applause] [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: [looks at the clock, then at his watch] Hold up! That clock is slow. It is five o'clock, I will see you all tomorrow: Pam: [turns around, is wearing a mustache] Bye, Stanley! Love you! [waves, Stanley leaves] Dwight: [standing next to a pony] So long, Stanley! Stanley: Night, everybody. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: So what kind of statement are you making with that costume, Kevin? Kevin: The statement that I am making, Oscar, is that I kind of look like Michael Moore. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Dunder Mifflin, this is Erin! Happy Halloween! How can I haunt you today? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: A lot of people are really getting into Halloween this year! [puts head down over fake bomb made from cardboard, high pitched voice] Six seconds, MacGruber! [lifts head] Pam's got a lot of fun stuff planned! [puts head down, high pitched voice] Uh, two seconds MacGruber! [lifts head] Including a... costume contest, and bobbing for apples, and a Ouija board... OHHH! BOOM! OHH EXPLOSION! [throws fake bomb, takes off sunglasses, points to camera] MACGRUBERRRR! [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: People are really into the costume contest this year. Might have something to do with the prize, maybe you've heard of it. The 2011 Scranton Wilkes-Barre coupon book worth over fifteen thousand dollars in savings! [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Stop. Dwight: [has his hands around Jim's neck] Too late! If I was the real Scranton Strangler, you'd be so strangled right now. If you're out there, strangler, you will get caught! By me. Jim: Sounds like someone's really trying to convince us that he's not the Scranton Strangler. Dwight: To my chickens I'm the Scranton Strangler. [looks at Pam] Oh-ho! That's very funny. Looks like someone decided to dress up as old Dwight Schrute's mom. Pam: What? Dwight: You're only one third as beautiful and only half her height. Pam: I'm supposed to be Olive Oyl. And it makes more sense when I'm standing next to Popeye, but... Jim doesn't want to put his costume on. Jim: [places pipe in mouth] I am Popeye! [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: I've never really been a costume guy. Even when I was a kid, it just felt like something I was too old for. And then this morning, when Pam hands me this little number [holds up Popeye costume, shakes head] ...no. [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: [dressed as Lady Gaga] In case you can't read m-m-my Poker Face... [laughs] we will be reviewing our sales policies. [accepts note from Michael, reads it out loud] I have ten seconds to read them or this whole place blows up. Michael: MACGRUBER! Todd Packer: Lame. Why don't witches wear panties? Michael: Oh, here we go! Todd Packer: Because they need to grip the broom! Michael: [laughs] OH! Who likes to water ski on Lake Erie? No wai-where does Dracula like to water ski? Dwight: Lake Erie. [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: When our warehouse workers make deliveries, they're going to be encouraged to offer clients extra products. And then they will split those commissions with sales. Michael: So, wait, drivers are going to be able to sell paper on the road? Gabe: That is correct. Todd Packer: Has anyone started calling you "Gabe-wad" yet? Gabe: Not here. Danny: Gabe-wad. Gabe: Okay, guys, fun is fun, but- [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Blackula! Darryl: Dracula. Michael: Oh, so... I almost forgot. You'll find this hilarious. Apparently corporate is going to have drivers sell paper on their routes now. That's like, exactly sort of the idea that you had. Darryl: Yes. I do remember saying something like that to you. Michael: Yeah. I'm sorry. I blew this. You should have gotten credit for that, man. Darryl: I'm just glad we're gonna try it out. Michael: Really? We're good? Darryl: Yeah. We're cool. Michael: Okay. [reaches out and shakes Darryl's hand] Okay. Darryl: What's under your shirt? Michael: Oh. It's a ream of paper. Thought you might hit me. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Darryl Philbin is the greatest guy in the world. And you know what I'd like? I would like to have all the racists brought together and take Darryl Philbin out to lunch. Just to see what they're missing. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: [leans hobo sack against the refrigerator] It's a great stick, right? Ryan: It's really good. It's a classic. I think you might win the whole thing with that. Toby: Thanks! Oscar: Everyone realizes that this coupon book isn't actually worth fifteen thousand dollars, right? You'd have to spend two hundred thousand dollars on crap you don't actually need to get fifteen thousand dollars worth of benefits. I'm not the only one who sees this, right? Toby: No. Ryan: No. Kelly: I get that. I get that. [SCENE_BREAK] Danny: Excuse me, everybody. I want to invite you all to the Halloween party I'm having at my bar. Kevin: You own a bar? Danny: Public School, at exit 11. Oscar: That's a great name. You're hilarious. A plus! Danny: So. You're all on the list! Ryan: Hey, man, can I get a plus five? It's all guys. Creed: Hey, what's the crowd like, Danny? Our age? Danny: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: I don't think that she would leave Jim for Danny. Phyllis: I don't know, they're both handsome. Dwight: Pam is gonna choose whoever has a scent most like that of her father. Does anyone remember what her dad smelled like? Phyllis: I think he- Creed: Hey hey hey, quiet, here she comes! Did you hear about that Danny guy? Heard he used to date Pam. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: So four years ago, when I was in Stamford, Connecticut, and dating someone else, Pam went on two dates with Danny. Which was obviously the greatest love story ever told, given how much people are walking on eggshells around us. Pam: We were basically Romeo and Juliet. Jim: That's right. Pam: Except where Juliet doesn't have that great a time and Romeo doesn't call back after two dates. Jim: Yikes. Pam: But I've learned to love again. [puts her arm on Jim's shoulder] He's a cartoon sailor. Jim: Oh, no. Pam: And looks so handsome in his UNIFORM! Please? Jim: No. No, I'm not gonna-no. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Tuna! Tuna! Do you want us to skip this party? Jim: I don't care. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: I am never gonna forget what Danny did to Pam. I forget nothing. I'm like an elephant in that way. Andy: You know what else? [pulling fake teeth out of his mouth] The-this... this sucks for Jim. Right? But it also sucks for us. Because we don't get invited to a ton of Halloween parties. [puts teeth back in] Kevin: Yeah, and everyone else is gonna be there. Stanley, Phyllis, Angela, Darryl... Creed's a maybe. Andy: [removes teeth] Creed's going?! [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Madge from the warehouse just made her first sale. Madge. We should have been doing this a long time ago. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Erin! Would you please do me a solid and get Darryl Philbin on the speakerphone? Darryl: [answers phone] Hello? Michael: Hi, Darryl, come out here, please. Darryl: I'm good. Michael: You need to stop being so shy, come out here, and embrace who you really are, superstar! Darryl: This is embarrassing, Michael. Michael: Yeah, I bet it is! If you're gonna do your job well here, you gotta get used to being embarrassed. Darryl: Let me put my shoes on. [hangs up phone, dial tone] Pam: [leans over toward Erin] Um, hit the speakerphone button. The speakerphone button? The same button as you hit before... or sit on it. Michael: This whole delivery slash sales idea? You know whose idea that was? That was Darryl Philbin's. He thought of that way before the corporate fat suits. Angela: So, what happened? Michael: I got in the way. I said no. And it just stopped. But then corporate comes up with this idea, but you know what? They need to know that it was yours. And I don't care if I take a bullet. We're gonna call them, we're gonna put them on speakerphone right now... Erin: Oh! [fumbles for phone] Michael: And we are going to straighten this out. Andy: Screw corporate! They probably stole the idea anyway. Michael: Mmhm! Gabe: Uh uh. Corporate stole nothing, okay? Darryl told me, and then I told them, giving Darryl full credit, so... no need to [mimicking Andy] screw corporate! Or anything like that, so. Let's give Darryl a round of applause, as planned. [claps] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I'm a little peeved at Darryl right now. Dwight: He went to Gabe behind your back. Michael: No, he didn't go behind my back. He went over my head. Dwight: He went over your head to go behind your back. Michael: What is taking someone from behind? Dwight: No. Shh. Michael, listen. This cannot stand. We can't have workers going straight to corporate. Makes your job superfluous. Michael: It was a good idea, though. Dwight: Yeah. Here's another good idea. Corporate chain of command. We need to strangle Darryl's idea. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Hey, Danny. Danny: Hey. Andy: I'm really sorry, but we can't come to your party tonight. Danny: I was looking forward to throwing some darts with you guys. Andy: You were? Kevin: Okay, well then, uh, I mean, maybe we could do it like... next Halloween. Danny: For sure. Andy: We're just like, totally caught in the middle here. Danny: What are you talking about? Andy: Well Jim and Pam basically begged us not to go... Danny: Jim and Pam really don't want you to go? Kevin: They're really upset about the whole Danny situation. Danny: I'll talk to them. Kevin: Yeah, but wait, don't tell them that we said anything to you. Danny: Okay. Kevin: Or you're dead. Danny: Okay. Kevin: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Kelly! Great costume! Toby: Oh. Angela: KELLY! You cannot change costumes in the middle of the day! Pam, she's out. Kelly: Um, if I'm out, I'm going to sue this ENTIRE COMPANY for discrimination. Oscar: Guys? You're arguing over a one in sixteen chance. Over a prize worth... forty bucks. Kelly: Um, fifteen thousand bucks, Oscar. Angela: Yeah, shut it, Oscar. Pam? [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: This is an amazing prize. I mean, I don't even want to give Pam a compliment, because she's so blegh, but she did a good job. I really want that coupon book. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Garbage magnet. [throws magnet] Garbage magnet, God! Magnets are interesting enough, you don't need to tart them up with some design. [to Michael] I can't believe this doesn't make you mad! Michael: [staring at Gabe and Kevin] What the hell are they talking about? Dwight: Hmm, Kevin and Gabe. Probably about the extremes of the human physique. Michael: Do you think that Kevin is going over my head? I don't-[sees Kevin and Gabe fist-bump] Oh my GOD. Okay. All right. All right. You know what? That's inappropriate, Kevin. I am your boss, and if you have something to say, it goes through me, and then I take it to Gabe. Chain of command. Do you understand? Kevin: I am so sorry. Michael: Oh, you're sorry? Kevin: I just thought- Michael: What did you just thought? Kevin: Well, Gabe asked me if there were any really cool Lady Gaga moves that he could do for the catwalk. And so then I tol-[tries not to cry] Michael: All right. Kevin: I told him that there was this one cool move where she powers down like a robot. Michael: Okay. Kevin: Okay? But I- I am so sorry that I didn't tell you first. Michael: Well, don't let it happen again. Kevin: [hysterical] You think that I would let this happen again?! NO WAY JOSE. Michael: I- Kevin: [bleep] you, Gabe! Gabe: Okay... [SCENE_BREAK] Danny: Can you imagine? It's just crazy. Jim: That is crazy. We would never care if Andy or Kevin went to your party. Danny: Look, I'm just glad we can laugh about it. Because I was a little nervous about coming to work here, with, you know, our history. Pam: Oh, my gosh! People keep blowing it out of proportion! It's not even a history. Danny: Exactly. Jim: It's not like you guys had some long relationship right? Big painful breakup I don't know about? Danny: No! Two or three dates. Pam: It was two. Danny: Was it two? I thought it was three. Pam: No, we um, we had plans for a third, but then I don't know, you never called me back, so... Jim: Oooh! You can't handle the truth! [laughs] Danny: [laughing] Well, that does not sound like me. Pam: Yeah? [stops laughing] It was though, that's what happened. Danny: [stops laughing] Well, great, I just wanted to make sure that things weren't weird. Pam: Hmm-mm. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Okay, this whole going over my head-gate? Is making people act weird. The chain of command is crumbling. Do you know what just happened? I just made Kevin cry. And Gabe looks like Lady Gaga. That's not Halloween. Halloween should be a day in which we honor monsters and not be mad at each other. Darryl: I'm not mad. Are you mad? Michael: You went over my head. And then you lied to my face. So my head and my face have taken a beating. Darryl: Well, I'm sorry if it seems that way to you. Michael: Okay, that might help. If you said "I'm sorry" in front of everybody. Darryl: Mike. Michael: In front of me. Darryl: You made a bad call. And I fixed it. So I'm not apologizing. Michael: So that's it. Darryl: That's it. Michael: Is it? Darryl: Yes. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Sookehhh. [removes teeth] Bill Compton, from True Blood. Stanley: How many freakin' vampires am I supposed to care about these days? [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: I guess you could say I'm still in costume. I'm a rational consumer. Phyllis: Oh. Oscar: Stupid coupon booklet. Have you seen my costume? I'm a rational consumer. Ryan: Yeah, I uh, heard you say it to Phyllis. That's a good line. Pam: Okay, everybody! After you walk the runway everyone has to vote for who gets the coupon book. And you can't vote for yourself. Kevin: Pam. Can you vote for other people? Michael: Yeah, I gotta get in on this. [mocking Darryl] Hey, it's cool, man, I work in the warehouse! I'm cool! I'm hip and I'm jive! And I don't care about nobody! Do you know who I am? Happy Halloween, jerk! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Still don't know who I am? I'll give you a hint. I go over other people's heads. Pam: Michael, this is a bad idea. Michael: What's a bad idea? Pam: Dressing up as somebody-I mean, when has that ever worked for you? Michael: NEVER! [tosses wig] Okay, you know what? Fine. I'm not Darryl. And thank God I'm not Darryl. Kelly: Could you for once just let us enjoy a party instead of making it about all your issues? [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: [walking down the runway] Raaah! [waves sword] [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: I present to you the [finger quotes] rational consumer, as it were. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Angela as the nurse! [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: I don't like your tone! Look, they were sold out of all the other costumes, okay? I think we all live in the real world, here. Let's not pretend to be unaware of what sells in this office. [SCENE_BREAK] Phyllis: What should we ask? Michael: Hey, can I play? Why don't you ask if Darryl is a bad friend who backstabs people in the back? Jim: We have one question to ask the spirit world and you want us to ask that? Erin: He says no. Michael: Aaah! Darryl moved it. You moved it. Darryl: No. Michael: Dwight, you saw Darryl move it, right? Dwight: Let's just say I saw exactly what the two of you wanted me to see. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I know how to sit on a fence. Hell, I can even sleep on a fence. The trick is to do it face down with the post in your mouth. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: If you had one word you would use to describe Darryl what would that word be? Erin: [hands are being forced to the letters] A... S... S... H... E... T? Phyllis: An asset! Erin: Ah! [lets go, candy corn flies everywhere] That's enough. [SCENE_BREAK] Danny: I don't think it's gonna work out the way you think. Todd Packer: I don't think you get it. Danny: Hey. Jim: Hey. Danny: This is some party, huh? Jim: When you work hard, you play hard around here. Even if you don't work hard. Oh, here's something. Uh, why didn't you ever call Pam back? Danny: Are you serious? Jim: Yeah. I mean, I'm not saying that everyone has to fall in love, or anything, I'm just saying... but you know, to not even call her back is... Danny: You know what it was? I think she gave me her number but then her fours look like eights, and... Jim: Could be. But you also called her the second time so you had the number right. Todd Packer: Halpert, you lookin' for someone to bang your wife? Jim: Nope. Danny: Okay. You wanna know? I didn't call her back because she spent the whole date talking about you. She was obviously in love with you. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: Fifty seven. Fifty eight. Meredith: Wait, wait. She hasn't moved in awhile. Oscar: [reaches over to pull Erin out of apple bobbing water] ERIN! Erin: Two! I got two. I ate two whole apples. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: I'd remember talking about Jim. That wasn't it. Jim: Just tell her the real reason. Danny: Do you honestly want to know why I didn't call her back on a date over four years ago? Jim: Hey. She had a nice time. It seems rude. Pam: I did. And it's just one of those things that's going to keep gnawing at me, like "gnaw, gnaw, why? Why didn't he? I have no idea why." Danny: Okay. Honestly. I didn't call you back because I-thought you seemed a little... dorky. Jim: Hey, man. Pam: Thank you! Thank you. I got it. Now I know. You thought I was a little dorky. You know? [gibberish sounds] Okay. Well, excuuuuse me. [SCENE_BREAK] Gabe: In the future, you need to get Michael's approval on anything before coming to me. Michael: Thank you. Darryl: You're gonna be missing out on some good ideas. Gabe: Okay, well, obviously if it's a really, really good idea, my door is open. Michael: If they're good ideas, I'm not gonna say no! Darryl: You said no to this one! Michael: That was-okay, you make one mistake in fifteen years and you drag me over the coals, after everything I did for you? Darryl: What have you done for me? Michael: Oh... Darryl: What have you done for me? Michael: Well... Darryl: Ed Truck hired me. Jo promoted me. Gabe listened to me. All you've ever done is say no to me. I have ambition. And you kept me at the same level for years. Gabe: Ohh. Dropping bombs, right? [explosion noise] This really make you think, Michael? Michael: Stop it! Stop, stop. We're thinking. We're thinking about it. Gabe: Yeah. Michael: You don't have to point to the fact that we're thinking about it. Stop it! Just let us think. Okay, next time you have a really great idea, we will put it in a hat, and then we will have Erin pick it out of the hat and let her decide. Darryl: I don't understand the point of a hat. Gabe: You're right, we don't need a hat. Michael: I am not budging on the hat issue. Gabe: Okay. We're going to table the hat question. The best ideas are going to come to me, I make the final decision, period. Michael: Okay. We both reserve the right to go to Jo if we disagree with Gabe. Gabe: Okay, why don't we simplify this? Darryl brings it to Michael, Michael brings it to me, no one calls Jo. Michael: Unless you and I decide we want to talk to Jo, then we'll give her a call. Darryl: Cool. Okay. Sorry I lied. Michael: Sorry I was a jerk. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Friends fight. Friends fight. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: What's up, man? Darryl: Sometimes it seems like it was better down in the warehouse, you know? Andy: When I was a freshman in college, I worked at the student newspaper, the Cornell Daily Sun? This was at Cornell. I had to write an op-ed column every day. Bernard's Regards. Darryl: This was your freshman year. Andy: I started to ask myself, "Do I have big plans here?" I didn't want to become editor of that paper, so I got up and walked right out of Walter Bernard hall, and that's actually when I heard eight male voices, singing, unencumbered by instruments. I was hooked. So is becoming CEO of this company your a capella group? Come on, we're going to Danny's bar. Public School. Darryl: No. I got some work to do. I do got big plans with this company. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: To be honest, I still can't believe he didn't call her back. Who doesn't call a dork like that back? [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Oh, wow! Jim: [holding Cece] Spinach in a can. Power eat spinach. [Popeye sound] Pam: Aww, my hero! [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Okay, everyone, I've tallied the votes, and the winner... of the costume celebration spectacular... and the Scranton Wilkes-Barre coupon book... Oscar Martinez. [SCENE_BREAK] Kelly: If I have to vote for someone, I don't want it to be someone who can beat me. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: Shake things up. I'm a Nader guy. [SCENE_BREAK] Creed: Best Edward James Olmos costume I've ever seen. Like, freaky good.	Plan: A: his head; Q: What does Michael think Darryl went over by taking an idea to corporate that Michael initially dismissed? A: The employees; Q: Who participates in a Halloween costume contest in the office? A: a coupon book prize; Q: What is the prize for the Halloween costume contest? A: Pam; Q: Who organized the Halloween costume contest? A: the office administrator; Q: What is Pam's job title? A: their dating history; Q: What does Pam try to get the truth from Danny about? Summary: Michael freaks out when Darryl goes over his head by taking an idea to corporate that Michael initially dismissed. The employees partake in a Halloween costume contest in the office for a coupon book prize, organized as Pam's first task as the office administrator. Meanwhile, she tries to get the truth from Danny about their dating history.
There was an enchanted forest filled with all the classic characters we know. Or think we know. One day they found themselves trapped in a place where all their happy endings were stolen. Our World. This is how it happened... -[Fairy Tale World]- (Prince Charming rides on a horse along a long stretch of land towards a forest. In the forest, he meets several dwarves gathered around a glass coffin.) Doc: You're too late. (Camera pans to Snow White lying inside the coffin.) Prince Charming: No. No! Open it. Grumpy: I'm sorry, she's gone. Prince Charming: At least let me say goodbye. (The dwarves remove the lid of the coffin. Prince Charming kisses Snow White, which causes the spell she was under to be broken. A pulse of magic spreads throughout the land. She wakes up and gasps.) Snow White: You... You found me. Prince Charming: Did you ever doubt I would? Snow White: Truthfully, the glass coffin gave me pause. Prince Charming: Well, you never have to worry. I will always find you. Snow White: Do you promise? (Scene switches to their wedding.) Prince Charming: I do. Priest: And do you, Snow White, promise to take this man to be your husband, and love him for all eternity? Snow White: I do. Priest: I now pronounce you husband and wife. (There is a round of applause. Snow White and Prince Charming lean in for a kiss, but are interrupted. The Evil Queen enters.) Evil Queen: Sorry I'm late. (The Evil Queen approaches the couple. Two guards try to stop her, but she pushes them out of the way with magic.) Doc: It's the Queen. Run! (Snow White draws Prince Charming's sword and points it at the Evil Queen.) Snow White: She's not the Queen anymore. She's nothing more than an evil witch. Prince Charming: No, no, no. Don't stoop to her level. There's no need. (Prince Charming takes the sword from Snow White.) Prince Charming: You're wasting your time. You've already lost. And I will not let you ruin this wedding. Evil Queen: Oh, I haven't come here to ruin anything. On the contrary, dear, I've come to give you a gift. Snow White: We want nothing from you. Evil Queen: But you shall have it! My gift to you is this happy, happy day. But tomorrow, my real work begins. You've made your vows, now I make mine. Soon, everything you love, everything all of you love, will be taken from you. Forever. And out of your suffering, will rise my victory. I shall destroy your happiness, if it is the last thing I do. (The Evil Queen turns around and heads for the door. Prince Charming calls after her.) Prince Charming: Hey! (The Queen turns around. Prince Charming throws his sword at her, but she dissipates before it hits her. The remaining people at the wedding nervously talk amongst themselves, and Prince Charming and Snow White hug. The camera zooms out to show the prince and Snow White as illustrations in a book.) -[Real World]- (A young boy, Henry, is seen with the book containing Snow White and Prince Charming on his lap. The boy is on a bus that is headed to Boston.) Woman: That a good book? Henry: This? It's more than just a book. Woman: Oh? Announcement: Boston, South Station. Thank you for riding Greyhound. (Henry exits the bus. He finds a taxi and knocks on the window.) Henry: Uh... You take credit cards? Taxi Driver: Where to, chief? [SCENE_BREAK] (A woman, Emma, exits an elevator and enters a fancy restaurant. She looks around until she finds her date. The man goes to shake her hand.) Man: Emma. Emma: Ryan? You look relieved. Man: Well, it is the internet. Pictures can be... Emma: Fake. Outdated. Stolen from a Victoria's Secret catalogue. So... Man: So... Um... Tell me something about yourself, Emma. Emma: Oh. Ah, well, today's my birthday. Man: And you're spending it with me! What about your friends? Emma: Kind of a loner. Man: And, you don't like your family? Emma: No family to like. Man: Oh, come on. Everyone has family. Emma: Technically, yeah. And everyone knows who they are? Ready to run yet? Man: Oh, not a chance. You, Emma, are by far, the sexiest, friendless orphan I have ever met. Emma: Okay. Your turn. No wait, let me guess. Um... You are handsome, charming... Man: Go on. Emma: The kind of guy who - and now, stop me if I get this wrong - embezzled from your employer, got arrested, and skipped town before they were able to throw your ass in jail. Man: What? Emma: And the worst part of all is your wife. Your wife loves you so much that she bailed you out, and how do you repay that loyalty? You're on a date. Man: Who are you? Emma: The chick who put up the rest of the money. Man: You're a bail bondsman. Emma: Bail bondsperson. (The man flips the table, spilling everything on Emma. He runs out of the restaurant.) Emma: Really? (The man runs across the street, while dodging traffic, to his car. Emma calmly walks towards the man's car. The man starts the ignition, but the car won't move. He opens the door to look out, and sees a boot. Emma catches up to him.) Man: You don't have to do this, okay? I can pay you. I got money. Emma: No, you don't. And if you did, you should give it to your wife to take care of your family. Man: The hell you know about family, huh? (Emma slams the man's head against the steering wheel.) Emma: Nothing. [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma arrives home to her apartment. She opens a box with a cupcake inside. She put a single, star-shaped candle on top and lights it. She leans on the counter and stares at it.) Emma: Another banner year. (She closes her eyes, makes a wish, and blows out the candle. The doorbell rings. She answers the door, only to find the boy from the bus.) Emma: Uh? Can I help you? Henry: Are you Emma Swan? Emma: Yeah. Who are you? Henry: My name's Henry. I'm your son. [SCENE_BREAK] (Henry pushes past Emma into the apartment.) Emma: Whoa! Hey, kid! Kid! Kid! I don't have a son! Where are your parents? Henry: Ten years ago. Did you give up a baby for adoption? That was me. Emma: ...Give me a minute. (Emma goes into the bathroom to compose herself. Henry yells from the other side of the door.) Henry: Hey, you have any juice? Never mind, found some. (Emma exits the bathroom. Henry is seen drinking juice straight from the bottle.) Henry: You know, we should probably get going. Emma: Going where? Henry: I want you to come home with me. Emma: Okay, kid. I'm calling the cops. Henry: Then I'll tell them you kidnapped me. Emma: And they'll believe you because I'm your birth mother. Henry: Yep. Emma: You're not going to do that. Henry: Try me. Emma: You're pretty good. But here's the thing - there's not a lot I'm great at in life. I have one skill. Let's call it a superpower. I can tell when anyone is lying and you, kid, are. Henry: Wait... Please don't call the cops. Please, come home with me. Emma: Where's home? Henry: Storybrooke, Maine. Emma: Storybrooke? Seriously? Henry: Mmhmm. Emma: Alrighty, then. Let's get you back to Storybrooke. -[Fairy Tale World]- (A castle is shown in the forest. Snow white stands near the door of a balcony. A bluebird flies off her finger. She is visibly pregnant.) Prince Charming: What's wrong? Snow White: Nothing. Prince Charming: You're thinking about what the Queen said again, aren't you? Snow, please. I can't keep having this conversation. You have to let it go. We're about to have a baby. Snow White: I haven't had a restful night since our wedding. Prince Charming: That's what she wants - to get in your head. But they're only words. She can't hurt us. Snow White: She poisoned an apple because she thought I was prettier than her. You have no idea of what she's capable of. Prince Charming: What can I do to ease your mind? Snow White: Let me talk to him. Prince Charming: Him? You don't mean... Snow White: I do. Prince Charming. No, no, no. It's too dangerous. Snow White: He sees the future. Prince Charming: There's a reason he's locked up. Snow White: Can you promise me that our child will be safe? Can you guarantee it? Because he can. Prince Charming: Alright. For our child. -[Real World]- (Emma and Henry are driving in a car.) Henry: I'm hungry. Can we stop somewhere? Emma: This is not a road trip. We're not stopping for snacks. Henry: Why not? Emma: Quit complaining, kid. Remember - I could have put your butt on a bus. I still could. Henry: You know I have a name? It's Henry. (Henry is reading the book from earlier.) Emma: What's that? Henry: I'm not sure you're ready. Emma: I'm not ready for some fairy tales? Henry: They're not fairy tales. They're true. Every story in this book actually happened. Emma: Of course they did. Henry: Use your superpower. See if I'm lying. Emma: Just because you believe something, doesn't make it true. Henry: That's exactly what makes it true. You should know more than anyone. Emma: Why's that? Henry: Because you're in this book. Emma: Oh, kid. You've got problems. Henry: Yep. And you're going to fix them. -[Fairy Tale World]- (The illustration of the torch in the book zooms in to an actual dungeon. A guard, Snow White, and Prince Charming are walking through a tunnel leading to the dungeon.) Guard: When we reach the cell, stay out of the light. And whatever you do, do not let him know your name. If he knows your name, he will have power over you. Rumpelstiltskin. Rumpelstiltskin! I have a question for you. Rumpelstiltskin: No, you don't. They do. Snow White and Prince Charming... You insult me. Step into the light and take off those ridiculous robes. (Snow White and Prince Charming reveal themselves.) Rumpelstiltskin: That's much better. Prince Charming: We've come to ask you about the... Rumpelstiltskin: Yes! Yes! I know why you're here! You want to know about the Queen's threat. Snow White: Tell us what you know. Rumpelstiltskin: Ooh, tense, aren't we? Fear not! For I can ease your mind. But... It's going to cost you something in return. Prince Charming: No! He's just a waste of time. Snow White: What do you want? Rumpelstiltskin: Oh... The name of your unborn child? Prince Charming: Absolutely not! Snow White: Deal! What do you know? Rumpelstiltskin: The Queen has created a powerful curse. And it's coming. Soon, you'll all be in a prison. Just like me, only worse. Your prison, all of our prisons, will be time. Time will stop, and we will be trapped. Someplace horrible, where everything we hold dear, everything we love, will be ripped from us while we suffer for all eternity. While the Queen celebrates, victorious at last. No more happy endings. Snow White: What can we do? Rumpelstiltskin: We can't do anything. Snow White: Who can? Rumpelstiltskin: That little thing, growing inside your belly. (Rumpelstiltskin gestures to Snow White's pregnant belly. The prince slashes his hand away with a sword.) Prince Charming: Next time, I cut it off. Rumpelstiltskin: Tsk tsk. The infant is our only hope. Get the child to safety. Get the child to safety and on its twenty-eighth birthday, the child will return. The child will find you and a final battle will begin. Prince Charming: We heard enough. We're leaving. (Snow White and Prince Charming head for the dungeon's exit.) Rumpelstiltskin: Hey! No! We made a deal! I want her name! We had a deal! I need her name! I want her name! Prince Charming: Her? It's a boy. Rumpelstiltskin: Missy... Missy... You know I'm right. Tell me, what's her name? Snow White: Emma. Her name is Emma. Rumpelstiltskin: Emma... -[Real World]- (Emma and Henry finally arrive in Storybrooke.) Emma: Okay, kid. How about an address? Henry: Forty-four Not Telling You street. (Emma stops the car in the middle of the road and gets out. Henry gets out, as well.) Emma: Look, it's been a long night and it's almost... 8:15? Henry: That clock hasn't moved my whole life. Time's frozen here. Emma: Excuse me? Henry: The Evil Queen did it with her curse. She sent everyone from the Enchanted Forest here. Emma: Okay, the Evil Queen sent a bunch of fairy tale characters here. Henry: Yeah, and now they're trapped. Emma: Frozen in time, stuck in Storybrooke, Maine. That's what you're going with? Henry: It's true! Emma: Then why doesn't everybody just leave? Henry: They can't. If they try, bad things happen. (Someone calls out to Henry. A man with a dog approaches Emma and Henry.) Archie: Henry! What are you doing here? Is everything alright? Henry: I'm fine, Archie. Archie: Who's this? Emma: Just someone trying to give him a ride home. Henry: She's my mom, Archie. Archie: Oh. I see. Emma: You know where he lives? Archie: Yeah, sure. Just, ah, right up on Mifflin street. The Mayor's house is the biggest one on the block. Emma: You're the Mayor's kid? Henry: Uh, maybe. Archie: Hey, where were you today, Henry? Because you missed your session. Henry: Oh, I forgot to tell you. I went on a field trip. Archie: Henry. What did I tell you about lying? Giving into one's dark side never accomplishes anything. Emma: Oookay. Well, I really should be getting him home. Archie: Yeah, sure. Well, listen. Um. Have a good night and, uh, you be good, Henry. Emma: So that's your shrink. Henry: I'm not crazy. Emma: Didn't say that. Just, he doesn't seem 'cursed' to me. Maybe he's just trying to help you. Henry: He's the one who needs help because he doesn't know. Emma: That he's a fairy tale character? Henry: None of them do. They don't remember who they are. Emma: Convenient. Alright, I'll play. Who's he supposed to be? Henry: Jiminy Cricket. Emma: Right, the lying thing. Thought your nose grew a little bit. Henry: I'm not Pinocchio! Emma: Course you're not. Because that would be ridiculous. -[Fairy Tale World]- (Everyone is gathered around a table at the castle. Prince Charming is leading the discussion.) Prince Charming: I say we fight! Jiminy: Fighting is a bad idea. Giving into one's dark side never accomplishes anything. Prince Charming: Then how many wars has a clear conscience won? We need to take the Queen out before she can inflict her curse. Doc: Can we even trust Rumpelstiltskin? Prince Charming: I've sent my men into the forest. The animals are abuzz with the Queen's plan. This is going to happen unless we do something. Snow White: There's no point. The future is written. Prince Charming: No. I refuse to believe that. Good can't just lose. Snow White: Maybe it can. Prince Charming: No. No, not as long as we have each other. If you believe him about the curse, then you must believe him about our child. She will be the saviour. (A noise is heard. Guards enter, dragging behind them a piece of a tree. The Blue Fairy also accompanies them.) Prince Charming: What the hell is this? Blue Fairy: Our only hope of saving that child. Grumpy: A tree? Our fate rests on a tree? Let's get back to the fighting thing. Blue Fairy: The tree is enchanted. If fashioned into a vessel, it can ward off any curse. Geppetto, can you build such a thing? Geppetto: Me and my boy, we can do it. Blue Fairy: This will work. We all must have faith. There is, however, a catch. The enchantment is, indeed, powerful, but all power has its limits. And this tree can protect only one. -[Real World]- (Emma and Henry arrive at a large, white house. They head through the gate and up the walkway.) Henry: Please don't take me back there. Emma: I have to. I'm sure your parents are worried sick about you. Henry: I don't have parents. Just a mom and she's evil. Emma: Evil? That's a bit extreme, isn't it? Henry: She is. She doesn't love me. She only pretends to. Emma: Kid... I'm sure that's not true. (A woman, Regina, opens the door to the house and rushes towards Henry and Emma.) Regina: Henry! Henry... Are you okay? Where have you been? What happened? Henry: I found my real mom. (Henry runs into the house.) Regina: Y-you're Henry's birth mother? Emma: Hi... Graham: I'll just go...check on the lad. Make sure he's alright. Regina: How would like a glass of the best apple cider you've ever tasted? Emma: Got anything stronger? [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma and Regina have moved into the house. Regina comes in with two glasses and pours out the cider.) Emma: How did he find me? Regina: No idea. When I adopted him, he was only three weeks old. Records were sealed. I was told the birth mother didn't want to have any contact. Emma: You were told right. Regina: And the father? Emma: There was one. Regina: Do I need to be worried about him? Emma: Nope. He doesn't even know. Regina: Do I need to be worried about you, Miss Swan? Emma: Absolutely not. (Regina nods. Sheriff Graham comes downstairs.) Graham: Madam Mayor, you can relax. Other than being a tired little boy, Henry's fine. Regina: Thank you, Sheriff. (Sheriff Graham leaves and Emma and Regina head to a different room.) Regina: I'm sorry he dragged you out of your life. I really don't know what's gotten into him. Emma: Kid's having a rough time. It happens. Regina: You have to understand. Ever since I became mayor, balancing things has been tricky. You have a job, I assume? Emma: Uh, I keep busy, yeah. Regina: Imagine having another one on top of it. That's being a single mom. So I push for order. Am I strict? I suppose. But I do it for his own good. I want Henry to excel in life. I don't think that makes me evil, do you? Emma: I'm sure he's just saying that because of the fairy tale thing. Regina: What fairy tale thing? Emma: Oh, you know. His book. How he thinks everyone's a cartoon character from it. Like his shrink is Jiminy Cricket. Regina: I'm sorry. I really have no idea what you're talking about. Emma: You know what? It's none of my business. He's your kid. And I really should be heading back. Regina: Of course. (Regina lets Emma out. As Emma walks down the walkway to her car, she looks up to the second story window and sees Henry. He closes the curtain and turns off the light. Emma is driving along road out of Storybrooke. She looks over and sees Henry's book on the seat.) Emma: Sneaky bstrd. (When she looks back to the road, there's a wolf in front of her car. She swerves to avoid it and ends up hitting the Storybrooke entrance sign.) -[Fairy Tale World]- (Geppetto and Pinocchio are seen carving the magical wardrobe out of the enchanted tree. In another part of the castle, Snow White stands on a balcony.) Snow White: I don't want to do this. Prince Charming: It has to be you. Snow White: I'm not leaving you. Prince Charming: It's the only way. You'll go in there, and you'll be safe from the curse. Snow White: He said it would be on her twenty-eighth birthday. Prince Charming: What's twenty eight years when you have eternal love? I have faith. You'll save me as I did you. (They kiss. When they break apart, Snow White looks distraught.) Prince Charming: What is it? Snow White: Baby... She's coming. [SCENE_BREAK] (Grumpy is watching the castle. He sees something and kicks Sleepy, who is sleeping next to him.) Grumpy: Get up! Get up! Look. (A dark smoke is seen in the distance. It rapidly covers the land and is progressing towards the castle. Grumpy frantically rings a bell.) Grumpy: The curse! It's here! -[Real World]- (The camera zooms in on Emma's eye as she wakes up. She looks around her and realizes that she's in jail. There is another prisoner there with her. Whistling is heard in the background.) Leroy: What are you lookin' at, sister? Marco: Hey, Leroy! Manners. We have a guest. So you are, uh, Henry's mother? How lovely for him to have you back in his life. Emma: Actually, I was just dropping him off. Leroy: Tch, don't blame ya. They're all brats, who needs 'em. Marco: Well, I'd give anything for one. My wife and I, we tried for many years. But, uh, he was not meant to be. Leroy: Well cry me a river. (Sheriff Graham enters the room and unlocks Leroy's cell.) Graham: Leroy! If I'm going to let you out, you need to behave. Put on a smile and stay out of trouble. (Leroy smiles sarcastically, and leaves.) Emma: Seriously? Graham: Regina's drinks are a little stronger than we thought. Emma: I wasn't drunk. There was a wolf standing in the middle of the road. Graham: A wolf. Right. (Regina enters and calls for Sheriff Graham.) Regina: Graham! Henry's run away again. We have to... What is she doing here? Do you know where he is? Emma: Honey, I haven't seen him since I dropped him at your house. And, I have a pretty good alibi. Regina: Yeah, well, he wasn't in his room this morning. Emma: Did you try his friends? Regina: He doesn't really have any. He's kind of a loner. Emma: Every kid has friends. Did you check his computer? If he's close to someone, he'd be emailing them. Regina: And you know this how? Emma: Finding people is what I do. Here's an idea. How about you guys let me out and I'll help you find him. [SCENE_BREAK] (The three of them are in Henry's room. Emma is searching through Henry's computer.) Emma: Smart kid - cleared his inbox. I'm smart too. A little hard disk recovery utility I like to use... Graham: I'm a bit more old fashioned in my techniques. Pounding the pavement, knocking on doors, that sort of thing. Emma: You're on salary. I get paid for delivery. Pounding the pavement is not a luxury that I get. Huh. His receipt for a website - whosyourmomma.org. It's expensive. He has a credit card? Regina: He's ten. Emma: Well, he used one. Let's pull up a transaction record. Mary Margaret Blanchard... Who's Mary Margaret Blanchard? Regina: Henry's teacher. [SCENE_BREAK] (There's a classroom full of younger kids. It appears to be an art class and they're making bird houses. The teacher is holding a bluebird.) MMB: As we build our bird houses, remember - what you're making is a home, not a cage. The bird is free and will do what it will. This is for them, not us. They're loyal creatures. If you love them and they love you, they will always find you. (The bell rings.) MMB: We'll pick this up after recess. No running! (The kids file out of the classroom, while Regina shoves through them. Emma trails behind her.) MMB: Miss Mills. What are you doing here? Regina: Where's my son? MMB: Henry, I assumed he was home sick with you. Regina: You think I'd be here if he was? Did you give him your credit card so he can find her? MMB: I'm sorry, who are you? Emma: I'm his... I'm his... Regina: The woman who gave him up for adoption. Emma: You don't know anything about this do you? MMB: No, unfortunately not. (Mary Margaret looks through her wallet. She notices that her credit card is missing.) MMB: Clever boy... I should never have given him that book. Regina: What in the hell is this book I keep hearing about? MMB: Just some old stories I gave him. As you well know, Henry is a special boy. So smart, so creative, and as you might be aware, lonely. He needed it. Regina: What he needs is a dose of reality. This is a waste of time. (Regina turns to leave, knocking over a stack of books.) Regina: Have a nice trip back to Boston. Emma: Sorry to bother you. MMB: No it's... It's okay. I hear this is partially my fault. Emma: How's the book supposed to help? MMB: What do you think stories are for? These stories are classics. There's a reason we all know them. They're a way for us to deal with our world. A world that doesn't always make sense. See, Henry hasn't had the easiest life. Emma: Yeah, she's kind of a hardass. MMB: No, it's more than her. He's like any adopted child. He wrestles with that most basic question they all inevitably face - why would anyone give me away? ...I am so sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean in any way to judge you. Emma: It's okay. MMB: Look, I gave the book to him because I wanted Henry to have the most important thing anyone can have. Hope. Believing in even the possibility of a happy ending is a very powerful thing. Emma: You know where he is, don't you? MMB: You might want to check his castle. -[Fairy Tale World]- (Camera pans into a tower window. Screaming can be heard. Snow White is in labour.) Snow White: I can't have this baby now! Prince Charming: Doc, do something. It's going to be okay. The wardrobe is almost finished, just hold on. (The Evil Queen and her cohorts and seen traveling through the forest towards the castle. Geppetto enters the room with Prince Charming and snow White.) Geppetto: It's ready. Doc: It's too late. We can't move her. (Baby Emma is born. Snow White is holding her, while the prince looks on.) Snow White: The wardrobe... It only takes one. Prince Charming: Then our plan has failed. At least we're together. Snow White: No. You have to take her. Take the baby to the wardrobe. Prince Charming: Are you out of your mind? Snow White: No, it's the only way. You have to save her. Prince Charming: No, no, no. You don't know what you're saying. Snow White: No, I do. We have to believe that she'll come back for us. We have to give her her best chance. (Snow White and the prince kiss Emma. Prince Charming takes the baby.) Snow White: Goodbye, Emma... (Prince Charming takes a sword near the door and enters the hallway. He fends off two of the Queen's guards, but is injured himself, and heads toward where the wardrobe is kept. He places the baby inside the wardrobe and kisses her forehead.) Prince Charming: Find us... (Two more guards enter the room. One appears to mortally wound the prince. The guards break open the wardrobe, but discover that it's empty and the baby is gone.) -[Real World]- (Henry is sitting alone on his 'castle', which is actually a wooden castle-shaped slide at a playground. The playground is along the shore. Emma walks up behind him, carrying his book.) Emma: You left this in my car. (She gives him the book. They look across to the clock tower.) Emma: Still hasn't moved, huh? Henry: I was hoping that when I brought you back, things would change here. That the final battle would begin. Emma: I'm not fighting any battles, kid. Henry: Yes, you are. Because it's your destiny. You're going to bring back the happy endings. Emma: Can you cut it with the book crap. Henry: You don't have to be hostile. I know you like me - I can tell. You're just pushing me away because I make you feel guilty. It's okay. I know why you gave me away. You wanted to give me my best chance. Emma: How do you know that? Henry: Because it's the same reason Snow White gave you away. Emma: Listen to me, kid. I'm not in any book. I'm a real person. And I'm no saviour. You were right about one thing, though. I wanted you to have your best chance. But it's not with me. Come on, let's go. Henry: Please don't take me back there. Just stay with me for one week. That's all I ask. One week, and you'll see I'm not crazy. Emma: I have to get you back to your mom. Henry: You don't know what it's like with her. My life sucks! Emma: Oh, you want to know what sucking is? Being left abandoned on the side of a freeway. My parents didn't even bother to drop me off at a hospital. I ended up in the foster system and I had a family until I was three, but then they had their own so then they sent me back. Look, your mom is trying her best. I know it's hard and I know sometimes you think she doesn't love you, but at least she wants you. Henry: Your parents didn't leave you on the side of a freeway. That's just where you came through. Emma: What? Henry: The wardrobe. When you went through the wardrobe you appeared in the street. Your parents were trying to save you from the curse. Emma: Sure they were. Come on, Henry. -[Fairy Tale World]- (Snow White gets up and goes to the room with the wardrobe. She sees the prince on the ground, who appears to be dead.) Snow White: No, no! No! No! No! Please... Please come back to me. (She kisses him twice, attempting to revive him. The Evil Queen enters the room.) Evil Queen: Oh, don't worry dear. In a few moments, you won't remember you knew him, let alone loved him. Snow White: Why did you do this? Evil Queen: Because this is my happy ending. (The two guards enter.) Evil Queen: The child? Guard: Gone. It was in the wardrobe, and then it was gone. It's nowhere to be found. Evil Queen: Where is she? Snow White: She got away... You're going to lose. I know that now. Good will always win. Evil Queen: We'll see about that. (The ceiling breaks apart. A twister starts to form in the room.) Snow White: Where are we going? Evil Queen: Somewhere horrible. Absolutely horrible. A place where the only happy ending will be mine. (The windows shatter. The dark smoke fills the room, and they are whisked away.) -[Real World]- (Emma brings Henry back to Regina. Henry runs inside and goes upstairs.) Regina: Thank you. Emma: No problem. Regina: He's seemed to have taken quite a shine to you. Emma: You know what's kind of crazy? Yesterday was my birthday and when I blew out the candle on this cupcake I bought myself, I actually made a wish. That I didn't have to be alone on my birthday. And then, Henry showed up. Regina: I hope there's no misunderstanding here. Emma: I'm sorry? Regina: Don't mistake all this as invitation back into his life. Emma: Oh... Regina: Miss Swan, you made a decision ten years ago. And in the last decade, while you've been... Well, who knows what you've been doing. I've changed every diaper. Soothed every fever. Endured every tantrum. You may have given birth to him, but he is my son. Emma: I was not... Regina: No! You don't get to speak. You don't get to do anything. You gave up that right when you tossed him away. Do you know what a closed adoption is? It's what you asked for. You have no legal right to Henry and you're going to be held to that. So, I suggest you get in your car, and you leave this town. Because if you don't, I will destroy you if it is the last thing I do. Goodbye, Miss Swan. (Regina heads back to the house, but Emma calls after her.) Emma: Do you love him? Regina: Excuse me? Emma: Henry. Do you love him? Regina: Of course I love him. (Regina goes back into the house. She steals the book from Henry's room. She holds the book as she stares into a mirror looking angry.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Mary Margaret is volunteering at a hospital. She puts vases of flowers next to patients' beds. She puts one next to a comatose patient, named 'John Doe', who is revealed to be Prince Charming. Elsewhere, Henry looks out the window of his room at the clock tower, which still hasn't changed. Meanwhile, Emma heads to Granny's Bed and Breakfast. Inside, Granny and Ruby are arguing.) Granny: You're out all night, and now you're going out again. Ruby: I should have moved to Boston. Granny: I'm sorry that my heart attack interfered with your plans to sleep your way down the eastern seaboard. Emma: Excuse me? I'd like a room. Granny: Really? Would you like a forest view or a square view? Normally, there's an upgrade fee for the square but, as friends do, I'll wave it. Emma: Square is fine. Granny: Now, what's the name? Emma: Swan. Emma Swan. (A man, Mr. Gold, has entered the inn, but no one has noticed until he speaks.) Mr. Gold: Emma. What a lovely name. Emma: Thanks. (Granny passes Mr. Gold a roll of bills.) Granny: It's all here. Mr. Gold: Yes, yes, of course it is, dear. Thank you. You enjoy your stay...Emma. (Mr. Gold exits the inn.) Emma: Who's that? Ruby: Mr. Gold. He owns this place. Emma: The inn? Granny: No, the town. So, how long will you be with us? Emma: A week. Just a week. Granny: Great. (Granny takes a key from the wall and hands it to Emma.) Granny: Welcome to Storybrooke. [SCENE_BREAK] (Henry is still watching the clock tower. When Emma takes the room key, the clock starts moving. He smiles.) -[End]-	Plan: A: Emma Swan; Q: Who is the bail bonds collector? A: a happy ending; Q: What has Emma Swan's life been anything but? A: twenty-eighth; Q: What is Emma Swan's birthday? A: a child; Q: Who claims to be the son Emma Swan gave up for adoption ten years earlier? A: mystery; Q: What is the town Emma Swan finds herself in shrouded in? A: fairytales; Q: What is believed in the town of mystery? Summary: For bail bonds collector Emma Swan, life has been anything but a happy ending. But on the night of her twenty-eighth birthday, an encounter with a child claiming to be the son she gave up for adoption ten years earlier leads her to a town shrouded in mystery where fairytales are to be believed.
INT. CHAPEL OF REST Mister Sneed crosses a room where a woman lies dead in her coffin and a man stands over her. The man's name is Redpath. Sneed lights a gas lamp. He walks to the mans side. SNEED: Sneed and Company offer their sincerest condolences, sir. In this most trying hour. REDPATH: Grandmamma had a good innings, Mr. Sneed. She was so full of life. I can't believe she's gone. SNEED: Not gone, Mr. Redpath, sir. Merely sleeping. A short silence. REDPATH: May I have a moment? SNEED: Yes, of course. I shall be in the next room, should you require anything. He leaves Redpath alone with his Grandmother. Redpath, with his head bowed in grief, does not notice the gas enter her dead body and her eyes snap open. She suddenly grabs Redpath by the neck and throttles him. Mister Sneed bursts back into the room upon hearing the commotion. SNEED: Oh, no. The old woman twists her grandson's neck around and he falls to the floor. Redpath tries to wrestle the lid back on the coffin. SNEED (CONT'D): Gwyneth! Get down here now! We've got another one! He is not strong enough to get the lid back on the coffin and the old woman kicks the side off. EXT. SNEED AND COMPANY, STREET Mrs Pearce walks from the house, wailing. OPENING CREDITS INT. TARDIS Inside the TARDIS, it is mayhem. The whole ship is shaking and alarm is going off. THE DOCTOR: Hold that one down! ROSE: I'm HOLDING this one down! THE DOCTOR: Well, hold them BOTH down! ROSE: It's not going to work! THE DOCTOR: Oi! I promised you a time machine and that's what you're getting. Now, you've seen the future, let's have a look at the past. 1860. How does 1860 sound? ROSE: What happened in 1860? THE DOCTOR: I don't know, let's find out. Hold on, here we go! The TARDIS screeches through the time vortex. INT. SNEED'S KITCHEN Mr. Sneed is dabbing at his forehead. SNEED: Gwyneth! Where are you, girl? Gwyneth! (Gwyneth appears). Where've you been? I was shouting! GWYNETH: I've been in the stables, sir, bringing the ice for old Sampson. SNEED: Well, get back in there and harness him up. GWYNETH: Whatever for, sir? SNEED: The stiffs are getting lively again. Mr. Redpath's grandmother, she's up and on her feet and out there somewhere, on the streets! We've got to find her! GWYNETH: Mr. Sneed, for shame! How many more times? It's ungodly! SNEED: Don't look at me like it's my fault! Now come on, hurry up! She was 86. She can't have got far. GWYNETH: What about Mr. Redpath? Did you deal with him? SNEED: No. She did. GWYNETH: That's awful, sir. I know it's not my place, and please, forgive me for talking out of turn, sir. But this is getting beyond, now. (Sneed nods). Something terrible is happening in this house, and we've got to get help. SNEED: And we will! As soon as we get that dead old woman locked up and safe and sound. Now stop prevaricating girl, get the hearse ready. We're going body snatching. EXT. STREET AND ALLEYWAY The TARDIS materializes on a deserted street. Snow is falling. INT. TARDIS The controls are steaming and both the Doctor and Rose are lying on the floor laughing. They get up. ROSE: Blimey! THE DOCTOR: You're telling me! Are you alright? ROSE: Yeah. I think so! Nothing broken... did we make it? Where are we? THE DOCTOR (studying the screen): I did it! Give the man a medal. Earth, Naples, December 24th, 1860. ROSE: That's so weird... it's Christmas. The Doctor gestures towards the door. THE DOCTOR: All yours. ROSE: But, it's like... think about it, though. Christmas. 1860. Happens once. Just once, and it's gone. It's finished. It'll never happen again. Except for you. (Studies him intently). You can go back and see days that are dead and gone and a hundred thousand sunsets ago... no wonder you never stay still... THE DOCTOR: Not a bad life. ROSE: Better with two. They grin at each other for a few moments. Then Rose slaps his bum and dashes towards the door. ROSE (CONT'D): Come on then! THE DOCTOR: Oi, oi, oi! Where do you think you're going?! ROSE: 1860! THE DOCTOR: Go out there dressed like that, you'll start a riot, Barbarella! There's a wardrobe through there. First left, second right, third on the left, go straight ahead, under the stairs, past the bins, it's the fifth door on your left. Hurry up! Rose rushes off to get changed. The Doctor grins after her. EXT. STREET Sneed and Gwyneth are driving through the streets looking for the old woman. SNEED: Not a sign. Where is she? GWYNETH: She's vanished into the ether sir, where can she be? Sneed stops the hearse and looks at Gwyneth. SNEED: You tell me, girl. GWYNETH: What do you mean? SNEED: Gwyneth, you know full well. GWYNETH: No, sir. I can't. SNEED: Use the sight. GWYNETH: It's not right, sir. SNEED: Find the old lady. Or you're dismissed. Gwyneth looks anxious. SNEED (CONT'D): Now, look inside, girl. Look deep. Where is she? Gwyneth closes her eyes. GWYNETH: She's lost, sir. She's so alone. Oh, my lord. So many strange things in her head. SNEED: But where? GWYNETH: She's excited. About tonight. Before she passed on, she was going to see him. SNEED: Who's "him"? GWYNETH: A great man. All the way from London. The great, great man. INT. DRESSING ROOM There is a knocking at a door. An old man - Charles Dickens is kneading his forehead inside the room. STAGE MANAGER: Mr. Dickens! Mr. Dickens! Excuse me, sir, Mr. Dickens, this is your call. Mr. Dickens does not respond. The stage manager comes into the room. STAGE MANAGER: Are you quite well, sir? DICKENS: Splendid, splendid. Sorry. STAGE MANAGER: Time you were on, Sir. DICKENS: Absolutely. I was just...brooding. (Stage manager throws him questioning look). Christmas Eve. Not the best of times to be alone. STAGE MANAGER: Did no one travel with you, sir? An old lady wife waiting out front? DICKENS: I'm afraid not. STAGE MANAGER (laughs): You can have mine if you want. DICKENS: Oh, I wouldn't dare. I've been rather, let's say, clumsy, with family matters. By God, I'm too old to cause any more trouble. STAGE MANAGER: You speak as though it's all over, sir! DICKENS: Oh, no, it's never over. On and on I go. The same old show. They look at the poster announcing his show. DICKENS: I'm like a ghost, condemned to repeat myself... (Stands) ... for all eternity. STAGE MANAGER: It's never too late, sir. You could always think up some new turns. DICKENS: No, I can't. Even my imagination grows stale. (Takes long swig of drink). I'm an old man. Perhaps I've thought everything I'll ever think. Still! The lure of the lime-light! As potent as a pipe what, eh? (Stage manager helps him change his jacket). On with the show. INT. TARDIS In the TARDIS, the Doctor is doing some more unnecessary repair work. Rose swans in and he turns off his sonic screwdriver and looks at her in surprise. THE DOCTOR: Blimey! ROSE: Don't laugh! THE DOCTOR: You look beautiful! Rose stops laughing and smiles instead. There is a pause and the Doctor looks away awkwardly. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): ...considering. He turns on his screwdriver again. ROSE: Considering what? THE DOCTOR: That you're human! ROSE (amused): I think that's a compliment... Aren't you going to change? THE DOCTOR: I've changed my jumper! Come on! He jumps out of the space beneath the controls. ROSE: You, stay there! You've done this before. This is mine! She hurries towards the door and opens it. EXT. STREET AND ALLEYWAY Rose looks out onto the 1860 street. She makes one footprint in the untouched snow then withdraws her foot again. Then she steps out altogether. The Doctor follows her. THE DOCTOR: Ready for this? She smiles and he offers her his arm. She takes it. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Here we go. History! They walk off together. INT. THEATRE The curtains open for Dickens' show. The audience applaud. The dead old woman is sitting slap bang in the middle of them. EXT. CARDIFF SQUARE The Doctor and Rose walk down the street, observing everything. Rose in amazement, the Doctor with his usual grin on his face. He walks in another direction and Rose follows. There are carol singers in the background. EXT. CARDIFF SQUARE Sneed and Gwyneth arrive at the theatre. GWYNETH: She's in there, sir, I'm certain of it. They alight from the hearse. EXT. CARDIFF SQUARE Not far away, the Doctor is buying a newspaper. He unfolds it and scans it. THE DOCTOR: I got the flight a bit wrong. ROSE: I don't care. THE DOCTOR: It's not 1860, it's 1869. ROSE: I don't care! THE DOCTOR: And it's not Naples. ROSE: I don't care. THE DOCTOR: It's Cardiff. ROSE (pauses): Right... INT. THEATRE Dickens is talking to a rapt audience. DICKENS: Now, it is a fact, that there was nothing particular about the knocker on the door of this house. But let any man explain to me if he can, how it happened, that Scrooge, having his key in the lock of the door, saw in the knocker, without it's undergoing any intermediate process of change, not a knocker - but Marley's face. (Audience gasp). Marley's face! It looked at Scrooge as Marley used to look. It looked like... The gas is escaping from the old woman. Dickens, seeing as how he is the only one facing the audience, is the only one to notice. DICKENS (CONT'D): Oh, my lord! It looked... like that! (Points a trembling finger at the old woman). What phantasmagoria is this? The woman has risen in her seat. She lets out a long, loud wail. The audience scream and trample each other in their hurry to get away. EXT. CARDIFF SQUARE The Doctor and Rose hear the screaming. The Doctor grins. THE DOCTOR: That's more like it! He tosses the newspaper over his shoulder and runs in the direction of the screaming. Rose follows. INT. THEATRE Dickens is desperately trying to get his audience to sit down again. DICKENS: Stay in your seats, I beg you. It is a lantern show, it's trickery. Sneed and Gwyneth are struggling against the crowds to enter. GWYNETH: There she is, sir! SNEED: I can see that! The gas zooms around the room. SNEED (CONT'D): The whole bloomin' world can see that! The Doctor and Rose enter. They watch the gas zoom around. THE DOCTOR: Fantastic. The last of the gas leaves the old woman's mouth and she slumps back in the chair, just a dead body once more. The Doctor approaches Mr. Dickens. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Did you see where it came from? DICKENS: Ah. The wag reveals himself, does he? I trust you're satisfied, sir! The Doctor looks slightly taken aback. ROSE: Oi! Leave her alone! Sneed and Gwyneth are making off with the old woman's body. ROSE (CONT'D): Doctor, I'll get 'em! THE DOCTOR: Be careful! (Jumps onto stage). Did it say anything? Could it speak? I'm The Doctor, by the way. DICKENS: Doctor? You look more like a navy. THE DOCTOR (indignantly): What's wrong with this jumper? EXT. CARDIFF SQUARE Gwyneth and Sneed have successfully loaded the body into the back of the hearse. Rose catches up with them. ROSE: What're you doing?! GWYNETH: Oh, it's such a tragedy, miss. Don't worry yourself, me and the master will deal with it. (Tries to bar Rose from seeing inside the hearse) . The fact is, this poor lady's been taken with the brain fever and we have to get her to the infirmary. Rose pushes Gwyneth aside and feels the old woman's forehead. ROSE: She's cold... She's dead! My God, what did you do to her? Sneed approaches her silently from behind and clamps a tissue full of a drug, probably chloroform, to her mouth. She struggles for a few seconds and then goes limp. GWYNETH (shocked): What did you do that for? SNEED: She's seen too much. Get her in the hearse! Gwyneth bends down to pick up Rose's legs. INT. THEATRE The blue gas is still zooming around inside. It dives into one of the gas lamps and disappears. THE DOCTOR: Gas! It's made of gas! EXT. CARDIFF SQUARE By the time the Doctor comes down the steps of the theatre, Gwyneth has just finished pushing Rose's head out of sight into the hearse. She slams the door shut. THE DOCTOR: Rose! He runs towards the hearse. DICKENS: You're not escaping me, sir! What do you know about that hobgoblin, hm? The hearse drives away. The Doctor stares after it. DICKENS: Projection on glass, I suppose. Who put you up to it? THE DOCTOR: Yeah, mate. Not now, thanks. The Doctor spots a coach and runs towards it, shouting to the driver. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Oi, you! Follow that hearse! He jumps into the coach. DICKENS: You can't do that, sir! THE DOCTOR: Why not? DICKENS: Why not?! I'll give you a very good reason why not! This is my coach! THE DOCTOR: Well, get in then! (Pulls Dickens in. To the driver-). Move! The coach rumbles off. DRIVER: Everything in order, Mr. Dickens? DICKENS: No! It is not! THE DOCTOR: What did he say? DICKENS: Let me say this first. I'm not without a sense of humour... THE DOCTOR: Dickens? DICKENS: Yes. THE DOCTOR: Charles Dickens? DICKENS: Yes. THE DOCTOR: THE Charles Dickens? DRIVER: Shall I remove the gentleman, sir? THE DOCTOR: Charles Dickens! You're brilliant, you are! Completely 100% brilliant! I've read 'em all! Great Expectations, Oliver Twist and what's the other one, the one with the ghost? DICKENS: A Christmas Carol? THE DOCTOR No, no, no, the one with the trains... The Signal Man, that's it, terrifying! (Dickens looks pleased). The best short story ever written! You're a genius! DRIVER: You want me to get rid of him, sir? DICKENS: Er, no, I think he can stay. THE DOCTOR: Honestly, Charles, can I call you Charles? I'm such a big fan. DICKENS: ...what? A what? THE DOCTOR: Fan! Number One Fan, that's me. DICKENS: How exactly are you a fan? In what way do you resemble a means of keeping oneself cool? THE DOCTOR: No, it means "Fanatic", devoted to. Mind you, I've gotta say, that American bit in Martin Chuzzlewit, what was that about?! Was that just padding or what? I mean, it's rubbish, that bit. DICKENS (disgruntled): I thought you said you were my fan. THE DOCTOR: Ah, well, if you can't take criticism... go on, do the death of Little Nell, it cracks me up. No, sorry, come on, faster! The driver urges the horses on. DICKENS: Who exactly IS in that hearse? THE DOCTOR: My friend. She's only nineteen, and it's my fault. She's in my care, and now she's in danger. DICKENS: Why are we wasting my time talking about dry old books? This is much more important. Driver! Be swift! The chase is on! DRIER: Yes, sir! THE DOCTOR (delighted): Thatta boy, Charlie! DICKENS: Nobody calls me Charlie. THE DOCTOR: The ladies do. DICKENS: How do you know that? THE DOCTOR: I told you... I'm your Number One... DICKENS: Number One Fan, yes... INT. CHAPEL OF REST Gwyneth and Sneed have one end each of Rose. GWYNETH: The poor girl's still alive, sir! What're we going to do with her? They settle her down on a table that is evidently used for dead bodies. SNEED: I don't know! I didn't plan any of this, did I. Isn't my fault if the dead won't stay dead. GWYNETH: Then whose fault is it, sir? Why is this happening to us? They leave the room, shutting and locking Rose in. A gas lamp flickers. INT. SNEED AND COMPANY, HALLWAY SNEED: I did the Bishop a favour, once. Made his nephew look like a cherub. Even though he'd been a fortnight in the weir. Perhaps he'll do us an exorcism on the cheap. There is a knock on the door. They both look up, alarmed. SNEED (CONT'D): Say I'm not in. Tell them we're closed. Just...just get rid of them. INT. CHAPEL OF REST Rose wakes up. She looks slightly out of sorts, and does not notice when the gas from the lamps fills the corpse of Redpath. He sits up suddenly. INT. SNEED AND COMPANY, HALLWAY Dickens knocks on the door again and Gywneth opens it. GWYNETH: I'm sorry, sir, we're closed. DICKENS: Nonsense! Since when did an undertaker keep office hours? The dead don't die on schedule. I demand to see your master. GWYNETH: He's not in, sir. She makes to shut the door, but Dickens forces it open again. DICKENS (angrily): Don't lie to me, child! GWYNETH: I'm awfully sorry, Mr. Dickens, but the mater's indisposed. Behind her, a gas lamp flares up. THE DOCTOR: Having trouble with your gas? DICKENS: What the Shakespeare is going on? INT. CHAPEL OF RST Rose suddenly notices the corpse behind her. She jumps in alarm as he starts making zombie noises at her. ROSE: Are you all right? You're kidding me, yeah? You're just kidding. He climbs out of the coffin. ROSE (CONT'D): You are, you're kidding me, aren't ya? He takes staggering steps towards her. ROSE (CONT'D): Okay, not kidding. She runs to the door and tries to open it. INT. SNEED AND COMPANY, HALLWAY The Doctor forces his way in and presses his ear to the wall. GWYNETH: You're not allowed inside, sir! THE DOCTOR: There's something inside the walls. INT. CHAPEL OF REST Rose backs against the door. The old woman's body rises from the other coffin and Rose gaps. INT. SNEED AND COMPANY, HALLWAY THE DOCTOR: The gas pipes. Something's living inside the gas. INT. CHAPEL OF REST Rose lobs a vase at Redpath. It does nothing but cause him to stumble slightly. Rose rattles the handle frantically. ROSE: Let me out! Open the door! INT. SNEED AND COMPANY, HALLWAY Gwyneth, the Doctor and Dickens hear her. Gwyneth closes her eyes in dismay. THE DOCTOR: That's her. He runs off to her rescue. Dickens's follows. INT. CHAPEL OF REST ROSE: Please, let me out! Both corpses are walking towards her. INT. SNEED AND COMPANY, CORRIDOR The Doctor charges past Sneed. SNEED: This is my house! Dickens charges past him too. He shakes his finger at Gwyneth as she runs after them. SNEED (CONT'D): I told you! INT. CHAPEL OF REST Rose is still hammering on the door as the corpses get closer and closer. ROSE: Let me out! Somebody, open the door! Open the door! Redpath clasps a hand over her mouth, muffling her scream. At that moment, the Doctor kicks the door in. THE DOCTOR: I think this is my dance. He releases Rose from Redpath's grip. DICKENS: It's a prank? It must be. We're under some mesmeric influence. THE DOCTOR: No, we're not. The dead are walking. (Grins down at the panting Rose). Hi! ROSE: Hi! Who's your friend? THE DOCTOR: Charles Dickens. ROSE: Oh. Okay. THE DOCTOR (to the corpses): My name's the Doctor. Who are you, then? What do you want? REDPATH: We're failing. Open the rift, we're dying. Trapped in this form, cannot sustain, help us. Both Redpath and his grandmother raise their heads to the ceiling. The blue gas leaves them with a wailing sound and both corpses fall to the floor. INT. SNEED'S PARLOUR Gwyneth is pouring them all tea while Rose is having a go at Sneed. ROSE: First of all you drug me, then you kidnap me, and don't think I didn't feel your hands having a quick wander, you dirty old man. The Doctor sniggers. SNEED: I won't be spoken to like this! ROSE: Then you stuck me in a room full of zombies! And if that ain't enough, you swan off! And leave me to die! So come on, talk! SNEED: It's not my fault, it's this house! It always had a reputation. Haunted. But I never had much bother until a few months back. And then the stiffs... Dickens looks mildly offended. SNEED: ...the er, dear departed started getting restless. DICKENS: Tommyrot. SNEED: You witnessed it! Can't keep the beggars down, sir! They walk. And it's the queerest thing that they hang on to scraps... Gwyneth gives the Doctor his tea. GWYNETH: Two sugars, sir, just how you like it. The Doctor looks at her retreating back curiously. SNEED: One old fella who used to be a sexton almost walked into his own memorial service! Just like the old lady going to your performance, sir! Just as she planned. DICKENS: Morbid fancy. THE DOCTOR: Oh, Charles, you were there. DICKENS: I saw nothing but an illusion. THE DOCTOR: If you're going to deny it, don't waste my time. Just shut up. Dickens is stunned. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D) (to Sneed): What about the gas? SNEED: That's new, sir, never seen anything like that. THE DOCTOR: Means it's getting stronger, the rift's getting wider and something's sneaking through. ROSE: What's the rift? THE DOCTOR: A weak point in time and space. The connection between this place and another. That's the cause of ghost stories, most of the time. SNEED (with revelation): That's how I got the house so cheap. Dickens sneaks un-noticed from the room. SNEED: Stories going back generations. Echoes in the dark. Queer songs in the air and this feeling like a... shadow. Passing over your soul. Mind you, truth be told, it's been good for business. Just what people expect from a gloomy old trade like mine. INT. SNEED AND COMPANY, CORRIDOR Dickens, wandering the corridors alone, examines the gas lamps. DICKENS: Impossible. INT. CHAPEL OF REST Dickens goes back into the room where Rose was locked up and takes the lid off Redpath's coffin, where Redpath is lying peacefully, his arms crossed across his chest. He waves his hands in front of his face, shakes him a bit, and fumbles around underneath the coffin, all the time oblivious to the Doctor watching him with his arms folded in the doorway. THE DOCTOR: Checking for strings? DICKENS: Wires, perhaps? There must be some mechanism behind this fraud! The Doctor unfolds his arms and walks over to Dickens. THE DOCTOR: Oh, come on, Charles. All right. I shouldn't have told you to shut up. (Places a hand on Dickens' shoulder). I'm sorry. But you've got one of the best minds in the world. You saw those gas creatures. DICKENS: I cannot accept that. THE DOCTOR: And what does the human body do when it decomposes? It breaks down and produces gas. Perfect home for these gas things, they can slip inside and use it as a vehicle. Just like your driver and his coach. DICKENS: Stop it! Can it be that I have the world entirely wrong? THE DOCTOR: Not wrong. There's just more to learn. DICKENS: I've always railed against the fantasies. Oh, I loved an illusion as much as the next man, revelled in them, that's what they were. Illusions! The real world is something else. I dedicated myself to that. Injustices. Great social causes. I hoped that I was a force for good. Now you tell me that the real world is a realm of spectres and jack o' lanterns. In which case - have I wasted my brief span here, Doctor? Has it all been for nothing? INT. SNEED'S KITCHEN Gwyneth is lighting another gas lamp when Rose comes in and starts washing up. GWYNETH: Please, Miss! You shouldn't be helping! It's not right! ROSE: Don't be daft. Sneed works you to death. (Hands her the cloth to dry up). How much do you get paid? GWYNETH: Eight pound a year, miss. ROSE: That much? GWYNETH: I know. I would've been happy with six. Rose looks dumbfounded. ROSE: So, did you go to school or what? GWYNETH: Of course I did. What do you think I am? An urchin? I went every Sunday. Nice and proper. ROSE: What, once a week? GWYNETH: We did sums and everything. To be honest, I hated every second. ROSE: Me too. They both laugh. GWYNETH (as if this is completely outrageous): Don't tell anyone, but one week, I didn't go and ran on the heath all on my own! ROSE: I did plenty of that. I used to go down the shops with my mate Shareen. And we used to go and look at boys! Gwyneth stops laughing at once and looks scandalized. GWYNETH: Well, I don't know much about that, miss. She turns back to the washing up. ROSE: Come on, times haven't changed that much! I bet you've done the same. GWYNETH: I don't think so, miss. ROSE: Gwyneth! You can tell me! Bet you've got your eye on someone. GWYNETH: I suppose. There is one lad... Rose looks extremely chuffed. GWYNETH (CONT'D): The butcher's boy. He comes by every Tuesday. Such a lovely smile on him! ROSE: Oh, I like a nice smile. Good smile, nice bum. Again, Gwyneth looks shocked. GWYNETH: Well, I have never heard the like! Rose just laughs. Then, Gwyneth laughs too. ROSE: Ask him out! Give him a cup of tea or something, that's a start. GWYNETH: I swear, it is the strangest thing, miss. You've got all the clothes and the breeding but you talk like some sort of wild thing! ROSE (shrugs): Maybe I am. Maybe that's a good thing. You need a bit more in your life than Mr Sneed. GWYNETH: Ah, now that's not fair. He's not so bad, old Sneed. He was very kind to me to take me in. Because I lost my mum and dad to the flu when I was twelve. ROSE: Oh, I'm sorry. GWYNETH: Thank you, miss. But I'll be with them again, one day. Sitting with them in paradise. I should be so blessed. They're waiting for me. Maybe your dad's up there waiting for you too, miss. ROSE: Maybe. (Nods, then realises). Um, who told you he was dead? Gwyneth realises what she has said and turns quickly back to the washing up. GWYNETH (lightly): I don't know, must've been the Doctor. ROSE: My father died years back. GWYNETH: You've been thinking about him lately, more than ever. ROSE: I s'pose so... how do you know all this? GWYNETH: Mr. Sneed says I think too much. I'm all alone down here. I bet you've got dozens of servants, haven't you miss. They laugh. ROSE: No, no servants where I'm from. GWYNETH: And you've come such a long way. ROSE: What makes you think so? GWYNETH: You're from London. I've seen London in drawings, but never like that. (Stares at Rose intently). All those people rushing about. Half naked, for shame. And the noise... and the metal boxes racing past... and the birds in the sky... they're metal as well. Metal birds with people in them. People flying. And you, you've flown so far, further than anyone! The things you've seen... the darkness... the big bad wolf... (Staggers backwards, afraid). I'm sorry! I'm sorry, miss! ROSE: S'alright... GWYNETH: I can't help it, ever since I was a little girl. My mum said I had the sight. She told me to hide it! THE DOCTOR: But it's getting stronger. More powerful, is that right? Rose and Gwyneth both jump as they turn to see the Doctor standing in the doorway. GWYNETH: All the time, sir. Every night. Voices in my head. THE DOCTOR: You grew up on top of the rift. You're part of it. You're the key. GWYNETH: I've tried to make sense of it, sir. Consulted with spiritualists, table wrappers, all sorts. THE DOCTOR: Well, that should help. You can show us what to do. GWYNETH: What to do where, sir? THE DOCTOR: We're going to have a seance. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SNEED'S PARLOUR They are all sat around a table. GWYNETH: This is how Madam Mortlock summons those from the Land of Mists. Down in Mid Town. Come. We must all join hands. DICKENS: I can't take part in this. He gets up. THE DOCTOR: Humbug? Come on, open mind. DICKENS: This is precisely the sort of cheap mummery I try to un-mask. Seances? Nothing but luminous tambourines and a squeeze box concealed between the knees. This girl knows nothing. THE DOCTOR: Now, don't antagonize her. I love a happy medium. ROSE: I can't believe you just said that. THE DOCTOR (to Dickens): Come on, we might need you. Dickens sits down again. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Good man. Now, Gwyneth. Reach out. GWYNETH: Speak to us. Are you there? Spirits? Dickens rolls his eyes. GWYNETH (CONT'D): Come. Speak to us that we may relieve your burden. She raises her eyes to the ceiling. A murmuring fills the room. ROSE: Can you hear that? DICKENS: Nothing can happen. This is sheer folly. ROSE: Look at her. GWYNETH: I feel them. I feel them! The gas creatures begin to fill the room. ROSE: What're they saying? THE DOCTOR: They can't get through the rift. Gwyneth, it's not controlling you, you're controlling it. Now look deep. Allow them through. GWYNETH: I can't! THE DOCTOR: Yes you can. Just believe it. I have faith in you, Gwyneth. Make the link. Gwyneth looks almost pained. Then suddenly, she lowers her head and opens her eyes. GWYNETH: Yes. Three gaseous figures appear behind her - the Gelth. Dickens' mouth drops open. SNEED: Great God. Sprits from the other side! THE DOCTOR: The other side of the universe. GELTH: Pity us. Pity the Gelth. There is so little time, help us. THE DOCTOR: What do you want us to do? GELTH: The rift. Take the girl to the rift. Make the bridge. THE DOCTOR: What for? GELTH: We are so very few. The last of our kind. We face extinction. THE DOCTOR: Why, what happened? GELTH: Once we had a physical form like you. But then the war came. DICKENS: War? What war? GELTH: The Time War. The Doctor and Rose glance at each other. GELTH (CONT'D): The whole universe convulsed. The Time War raged invisible to smaller species but devastating to higher forms. Our bodies wasted away. We're trapped in this gaseous state. THE DOCTOR: So that's why you need the corpses. GELTH: We want to stand tall. To feel the sunlight. To live again. We need a physical form, and your dead are abandoned. They're going to waste, give them to us! ROSE: But we can't! THE DOCTOR: Why not? ROSE: It's not... I mean, it's not... THE DOCTOR: Not decent? Not polite? It could save their lives. They stare at each other for a moment. GELTH: Open the rift. Let the Gelth through. We're dying. Help us. Pity the Gelth! They disappear and Gwyneth collapses forwards onto the table. Rose gets up immediately and goes to her. ROSE: Gwyneth! DICKENS: All true. ROSE (to Gwyneth): Are you okay? DICKENS: It's all true. The Doctor is silent. INT. SNEED'S PARLOUR Rose is mopping Gwyneth's forehead as she lies asleep on a couch. Slowly, her eyes open. She fidgets. ROSE: It's alright. You just sleep. GWYNETH: But my angels, miss. They came, didn't they? They need me? The Doctor is leaning on a wall just behind Rose. THE DOCTOR: They do need you, Gwyneth. You're they're only chance of survival. ROSE (turns angrily): I've told you, leave her alone. She's exhausted and she's not fighting your battles. The Doctor leans his head back and sighs. Rose turns back to Gwyneth and offers her a drink. ROSE: Drink this. SNEED: Well, what did you say, Doctor? Explain it again. What are they? THE DOCTOR: Aliens. SNEED: Like... foreigners, you mean? THE DOCTOR: Pretty foreign, yeah. From up there. He points skywards. SNEED: Brecon? THE DOCTOR: Close. They've been trying to get through from Brecon to Cardiff but the road's blocked. Only a few can get through and even then they're weak. They can only test drive the bodies for so long, then they have to revert to gas and hide in the pipes. DICKENS: Which is why they need the girl. ROSE: They're not having her. THE DOCTOR: But she can help. Living on the rift, she's become part of it, she can open it up, make a bridge and let them through. DICKENS: Incredible. Ghosts that are not ghosts but beings from another world who can only exist in our world by inhabiting cadavers. THE DOCTOR: Good system. It might work. Rose gets up and walks over to the Doctor. ROSE: You can't let them run around inside dead people! THE DOCTOR: Why not? It's like recycling. ROSE: Seriously though, you can't. THE DOCTOR: Seriously though, I can. ROSE : It's just... wrong! Those bodies were living people! We should respect them even in death! THE DOCTOR: Do you carry a donor card? ROSE: That's different, that's... THE DOCTOR: It is different, yeah. It's a different morality. Get used to it or go home. (Rose is silent. He speaks in softer tones -). You heard what they said, time's short. I can't worry about a few corpses when the last of the Gelth could be dying. ROSE: I don't care, they're not using her. GWYNETH: Don't I get a say, miss? Both Rose and the Doctor turn to look at her. ROSE: Look. You don't understand what's going on. GWYNETH: You would say that miss. Because that's very clear inside your head, that you think I'm stupid. ROSE: That's not fair! GWYNETH: It's true, though. Things might be very different where you're from. But here and now, I know my own mind. And the angels need me. Doctor, what do I have to do? THE DOCTOR: You don't have to do anything. GWYNETH: They've been singing to me since I was a child. Sent by my mum on a holy mission. So tell me. The Doctor smiles at her. THE DOCTOR: We need to find the rift. (Approaches Sneed and Dickens). This house is on a weak spot, so there must be a spot that's weaker than any other. Mr. Sneed. What's the weakest part of this house? The place where most of the ghosts have been seen? SNEED: That would be the Morgue. ROSE (still disgruntled): No chance you were gonna say "gazebo", was there? Everyone looks at her. INT. SNEED AND COMPANY, MORGUE The key turns in the Morgue, and they all troupe in, lead by the Doctor. THE DOCTOR: Talk about Bleak House. ROSE: The thing is, Doctor, the Gelth don't succeed. 'Cause I know they don't. I know for a fact there weren't corpses walking around in 1869. THE DOCTOR: Time's in flux. It's changing every second. Your cozy little world could be rewritten like that. (Clicks his fingers). Nothing is safe. Remember that. Nothing. DICKENS: Doctor, I think the room is getting colder. ROSE: Here they come. The Gelth flood into the room. Their leader positions itself in an archway. It has the voice of a child. GELTH: You have come to help! Praise the Doctor! Praise him! ROSE: Promise you won't hurt her! GELTH: Hurry! Please. So little time. Pity the Gelth. THE DOCTOR: I'll take you somewhere else after the transfer. Somewhere you can build proper bodies. This isn't a permanent solution, alright? GWYNETH: My angels. I can help them live. THE DOCTOR: Okay, where's the weak point? GELTH: Here, beneath the arch. Gwyneth positions herself beneath the arch. GWYNETH: Beneath the arch. Rose rushes to her. ROSE: You don't have to do this. Gwyneth places her hands on Rose's cheeks. GWYNETH: My angels. Rose staggers backwards. GELTH: Establish the bridge, reach out of the void, let us through! GWYNETH: Yes. I can see you! I can see you! Come! GELTH: Bridgehead establishing. GWYNETH: Come! Come to me! Come to this world, poor lost souls! GELTH: It is begun! The bridge is made! Gwyneth's mouth opens and the Gelth pour out of it. GELTH (CONT'D): She has given herself to the Gelth! DICKENS: There's rather a lot of them, eh? GELTH: The bridge is open. We descend. Suddenly, the figure becomes demonic. The gas turns from blue to red. GELTH (CONT'D): The Gelth will come through in force. DICKENS: You said that you were few in number! GELTH: A few billion. And all of us in need of corpses. The bodies rise. SNEED: Gwyneth... stop this! Listen to your master! This has gone far enough. Stop dabbling, child, leave these things alone. I beg of you... ROSE: Mr. Sneed! Get back! A corpse grabs Sneed from behind and holds him still while another of the Gelth fills his body through his mouth. The Doctor and Rose leap back. Mr Sneed looks up at them through blank, dead eyes. THE DOCTOR: I think it's gone a little bit wrong. SNEED: I have joined the legions of the Gelth. Come. March with us. DICKENS: No! The corpses advance on the Doctor and Rose. GELTH: We need bodies. All of you. Dead. The human race. Dead. They are backing the Doctor and Rose against a dungeon door. THE DOCTOR: Gwyneth, stop them! Send them back! Now! GELTH: Three more bodies. Make them vessels for the Gelth. DICKENS: I... I can't! I'm sorry! The Doctor looks behind him, spots the dungeon door, pushes Rose in there with him and slams it shut again so they are both locked in there. DICKENS (CONT'D): It's too much for me! I'm so... He jumps and runs from the Morgue as one of the Gelth screeches and swoops at him. The corpses are clambering to get in the dungeon. GELTH: Give yourself to glory. Sacrifice your lives for the Gelth. THE DOCTOR: I trusted you. I pitied you! GELTH: We don't want your pity! We want this world and all its flesh. They are rattling the door. THE DOCTOR: Not while I'm alive. GELTH: Then live no more. INT. SNEED AND COMPANY, HALLWAY Dickens has run from the Morgue and rests panting against the door. The gaseous creatures swirl around the knocker, making it look exactly like the knocker from his story "A Christmas Carol", and he runs again. INT. SNEED AND COMPANY, MORGUE The Doctor and Rose are flattened against the dungeon wall while the Gelth are rattling the door. ROSE: But I can't die. (Looks at the Doctor for reassurance). Tell me I can't! I haven't even been born yet, it's impossible for me to die! Isn't it?! THE DOCTOR: I'm sorry. EXT. SNEED AND COMPANY, STREET Dickens has run from the house altogether. One of the Gelth has followed him. GELTH: Failing! Atmosphere hostile! The figure dives into a gas lamp. DICKENS (realising): Gas... Gas! INT. SNEED AND COMPANY, MORGUE ROSE: But it's 1869, how can I die now? THE DOCTOR: Time isn't a straight line. It can twist into any shape. You can be born in the 20th century and die in the 19th and it's all my fault. I brought you here. ROSE: It's not your fault. I wanted to come. THE DOCTOR: What about me? I saw the fall of Troy! World War Five! I pushed boxes at the Boston Tea Party, now I'm going to die in a dungeon! (Horrified). In Cardiff! ROSE: It's not just dying. We'll become one of them. INT. SNEED AND COMPANY, HALLWAY Dickens rushes back into the house and begins to turn all the flames off the gas lamps, so that the gas is released into the air. Wheezing slightly, he covers his nose and mouth with a handkerchief. INT. SNEED AND COMPANY, MORGUE ROSE: We'll go down fighting, yeah? THE DOCTOR: Yeah. ROSE: Together? THE DOCTOR: Yeah! They link hands. THE DOCTOR: I'm so glad I met you. Rose looks up at him, surprised. ROSE: Me too. They smile at each other. At that moment, Dickens rushes into the room. DICKENS: Doctor! Turn off the flame, turn up the gas! Now fill the room, all of it, now! THE DOCTOR: What're you doing? DICKENS: Turn it all on! Gas the place! He turns another one on. THE DOCTOR: Brilliant. Gas! ROSE: What, so we choke to death instead? DICKENS: Am I correct, Doctor? These creatures are gaseous! THE DOCTOR: Fill the room with gas, it'll draw them out of the host. Suck them into the air like poison from a wound! The corpses all decide to turn on Dickens instead. DICKENS: I hope... oh, Lord. I hope that this theory will be validated soon. The corpses advance dangerously on him. DICKENS (CONT'D): If not immediately. THE DOCTOR: Plenty more! He smashes a gas canister against the wall and all the creatures are sucked from the bodies with a scream. DICKENS: It's working. The Doctor and Rose are free to come out of the dungeon. THE DOCTOR: Gwyneth! Send them back! They lied, they're not angels. GWYNETH (simply): Liars. THE DOCTOR: Look at me. If your mother and father could look down and see this, they'd tell you the same. They'd give you the strength. Now send them back! ROSE (choked): Can't breathe. THE DOCTOR: Charles, get her out. Dickens grabs Rose's arm, but she shakes him off. ROSE: I'm not leaving her! GWYNETH: They're too strong. THE DOCTOR: Remember that world you saw? Rose's world? All those people, non of it will exist unless you send them back through the rift. GWYNETH (firmly): I can't send them back. But I can hold them. Hold them in this place, hold them here. Get out. Her hand goes to her apron pocket and she takes out a box of matches. Rose rushes forwards. ROSE: You can't! GWYNETH: Leave this place! The Doctor grabs Rose's shoulders. THE DOCTOR: Rose, get out, go now, I won't leave her while she's still in danger, now go! Dickens and Rose leave the Morgue. The Doctor holds his hand out for the matches. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Now give that to me. Gwyneth does not respond. INT. SNEED AND COMPANY, HALLWAY Dickens leads Rose back through the dark house, filled with gas. DICKENS: This way! INT. SNEED AND COMPANY, MORGUE The Doctor places his hand on Gwyneth's neck, feeling for a pulse. His face falls. THE DOCTOR: I'm sorry. (Places a kiss on her forehead). Thank you. He runs from the Morgue. Gwyneth takes a match out of the box and waits for a few moments, to be sure the Doctor is safely out of the house. Then she strikes the match. EXT. SNEED AND COMPANY, STREET The whole house goes up in flames, the Doctor diving out of the doorway only just in time to join Rose and Dickens. Rose fixes him with a look that plainly asks why Gwyneth is not with him. The Doctor looks back at her. ROSE: She didn't make it. THE DOCTOR: I'm sorry. She closed the rift. DICKENS: At such a cost. The poor child. Rose has not looked away from the Doctor. THE DOCTOR: I did try, Rose, but Gwyneth was already dead. She had been for at least five minutes. ROSE: What do you mean? THE DOCTOR: I think she was dead from the minute she stood in that arch. ROSE: But... she can't have, she spoke to us. She helped us - she saved us. How could she have done that? DICKENS: There are more things in Heaven and Earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy. Even for you, Doctor. ROSE: She saved the world. A servant girl. No one will ever know. All three of them gaze at the burning house. EXT. ALLEYWAY The Doctor, Rose and Dickens have arrived back at the TARDIS. THE DOCTOR: Right then, Charlie-boy, I've just got to go into my um... shed. Won't be long! He fits the key in the lock. ROSE (to Dickens): What're you going to do now? DICKENS: I shall take the mail coach back to London. Quite literally post-haste. This is no time for me to be on my own. I shall spend Christmas with my family and make amends to them. After all I've learned tonight, there can be nothing more vital. THE DOCTOR: You've cheered up! DICKENS (enthusiastically): Exceedingly! This morning, I thought I knew everything in the world and now I know I've just started! All these huge and wonderful notions, Doctor! I'm inspired. I must write about them! ROSE: Do you think that's wise? DICKENS: I shall be subtle at first. The Mystery of Edwin Drood still lacks an ending. Perhaps the killer was not the boy's uncle. Perhaps he was not of this earth. The Mystery of Edwin Drood and the Blue Elementals. I can spread the word! Tell the truth! THE DOCTOR: Good luck with it. Nice to meet you. (Shakes Dickens' hand). Fantastic. He turns back to the TARDIS door. ROSE: Bye, then. And, thanks. She kisses him on the cheek. Dickens looks taken-aback. DICKENS: Oh, my dear, how modern. Thank you, but, I don't understand, in what way is this goodbye? Where are you going? THE DOCTOR: You'll see. In the shed. He opens the door of the TARDIS. DICKENS: Oh, my soul. Doctor, it's one riddle after another with you. But after all these revelations, there's one mystery you still haven't explained. Answer me this: who are you? A pause. THE DOCTOR: Just a friend. Passing through. DICKENS: But you have such knowledge of future times. I don't wish to impose on you, but I must ask you. My books. Doctor, do they last? THE DOCTOR: Oh, yes! DICKENS: For how long? THE DOCTOR: Forever! Dickens tries to look pleased and modest at the same time. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Right. Shed. Come on, Rose... They both turn to the door. DICKENS: In, in the box? Both of you? THE DOCTOR: Down boy. See ya! The Doctor and Rose enter the TARDIS and shut the door after them. INT. TARDIS ROSE: Doesn't that change history if he writes about blue ghosts? THE DOCTOR: In a weeks time it's 1870, and that's the year he dies. Sorry. He'll never get to tell his story. They both look at the screen where they can see Dickens is still standing outside. ROSE: Oh, no! He was so nice. THE DOCTOR: But in your time, he was already dead! We've brought him back to life! He's more alive now than he's ever been, old Charlie-boy. Let's give him one last surprise. He hits a button and the engines rev up. They smile as they watch Dickens' face when the TARDIS disappears before his eyes. EXT. ALLEYWAY Laughing, Dickens' walks away from where the TARDIS stood. EXT. CARDIFF SQUARE Dickens emerges into the Square. PASSER-BY: Merry Christmas, sir. DICKENS: Merry Christmas to you. God bless us! Everyone!	Plan: A: 1869; Q: In what year did the Doctor and Rose travel back to Cardiff? A: girl Gwyneth; Q: Who is Gabriel Sneed's servant? A: corpses; Q: What does the funeral parlour contain that has been animated by a mysterious blue vapour? A: Gwyneth kidnap Rose; Q: What happens to Rose? A: the Doctor; Q: Who determines that the blue vapour is the result of a being trying to cross a rift in spacetime? A: the Doctor teams; Q: Who teams up with Charles Dickens to track down Rose? A: the funeral parlour; Q: Where is the group reunited? A: the spacetime; Q: What is the funeral parlour built on? A: bodies; Q: What do the Gelth animate until they can build their own? A: a bridge; Q: What are the Gelth using Gwyneth as? A: gas; Q: What do the Gelth respond negatively to? A: all the Gelth; Q: What does Gwyneth volunteer to ignite the gas that will kill? A: flames; Q: What does the funeral parlour get engulfed in? Summary: The Doctor and Rose travel back to Cardiff in 1869, where a funeral parlour , run by Gabriel Sneed with his clairvoyant servant girl Gwyneth, contains corpses which have been animated by a mysterious blue vapour. Sneed and Gwyneth kidnap Rose, and the Doctor teams up with Charles Dickens to track her down. In the funeral parlour, the group is reunited and the Doctor determines that the blue vapour is the result of a being trying to cross a rift in the spacetime the parlour is built on. They are revealed to be the Gelth , who animate bodies until they can build their own, and are using Gwyneth as a bridge. As the Gelth respond negatively to gas, Gwyneth volunteers to ignite the gas which will kill all the Gelth, and the Doctor, Rose, and Dickens escape before the parlour is engulfed in flames.
[N.B. This is the second episode, after [1.24], "My Coffee With Niles," that was shot in "real time."] ACT ONE Scene One - Apartment In Frasier's living room Niles is playing an elegant classical piece on the piano by Bach whilst Frasier listens. Frasier: You know Niles, I think I'm going to have a dinner party. Care to comment? Niles: [stops playing] I love the idea, what's the occasion? Frasier: I got the idea last night when we bumped into Jean and Hollis Ashley at the symphony, I've always wanted to get to know them better. Niles: Me too, they're such a charming couple: they remind me of Maris and me when we were happy. [pours himself a drink] Frasier: [doorbell] Really? I must have been sick that day! Frasier answers the door: It's Roz wearing an elegant long dress. She is carrying a red dress in a bag. Frasier: [delighted] Oh, well Roz... Roz: Thank you. Frasier: Is that your dry cleaning? Roz: No, it's Daphne's. Alice spit up on her dress so I had to have it dry-cleaned for her. I also had to buy her new shoes and detail her car, I've never seen a kid so sick! Daphne: [enters from bedroom in dressing gown] Hey Roz, you look gorgeous. Roz: How much time do we have? Daphne: Twenty minutes. I better get changed. Niles: Where are you going? Roz: Daphne has friends at the British Consulate and they're having a big reception tonight, she has an invitation. Daphne: [excited] Yes, who knows Roz? Maybe you'll meet some English lord who'll make you a lady. Daphne and Roz exit to Daphne's room laughing. Niles: I think at this point it would take the actual Lord to make her a lady. Frasier: Well let's pick a date for our party. [picks up book] Got your book? Niles: Hmm. Niles and Frasier look through their diaries, checking dates: Frasier: The 1st is no good. Niles: No: wine club. The second? Frasier: Library fundraiser. Third? Niles: No. Fourth, fifth, sixth? Frasier: No. [turns page] No, no, no. Niles: What about the 11th? Frasier: No, concert tickets. Niles: I don't have that marked. Frasier: Yes, I'm taking a date. Niles: Well isn't that nice. [writes in] 11th, "expect desperate last minute call from F." Anything the next week? Frasier: No, no... [notices] Oh, I've got the 19th. Niles: [excited] I've got the 19th! Frasier: The 19th it is then. Niles: Huzzah! Martin enters from the front door. Martin: Hey, boys. Niles: Hey, Dad. Martin: What's up? Frasier: Well actually, after an unusually protracted game of dueling date books, Niles and I have set a mutually acceptable evening for an inteen soiree. [pause] We're having a dinner party! Martin: Oh, sounds good! Any date but the 19th! Niles: Well, what is wrong with the 19th? Martin: My poker game's here that night. Frasier: Can't you reschedule it? Martin: [angry] No! It's always the third Saturday of the month and everybody shows. Jimmy once postponed his daughter's wedding just so that he could be here, and if you ever saw his daughter you'd know how risky that was. Frasier: Dad, you know we wouldn't ask if there was any other date that worked! Martin: Do you really expect me to give up my game so you can have one of your inteen soirees? Niles: I knew he knew what that meant! Frasier: Dad, please, couldn't you at least make a few calls? [thinking] I tell you what, if you can change the day - I'll cover your losses that night. Martin: [swayed a little] Well all right, I'll try. But you know, these guys live pretty busy lives - I can't always get in touch with them. Niles: Let's hope that dog track has a PA system. Martin exits to his bedroom. Frasier: Alright, Niles, back to our party... got any thoughts on a caterer? Niles: [excited] Well... Cornell Evans. He's pricey but he's the best. Frasier: Let's book him. [goes to phone] Niles: Oh marvelous! Frasier picks up the phone but it seems Martin's on the line: Frasier: [to phone] Oh, I'm sorry Dad, I didn't know you were on the line. [hangs up] Daphne and Roz walk out of the bedroom. Daphne is now wearing the red dress. Frasier: Oh my goodness. Daphne: Well we're off to the ball, don't wait up for us. [laughs] Niles: Daphne, wait, wait, wait, wait, there's something on the back of your dress. Niles directs us to a white spot on the backside of her dress. Daphne: [looks round] Oh my God, it looks like bleach or something! The dry cleaner must have done it! Roz: I saw it, it's nothing. Daphne: You saw it?! Roz: Don't worry, it's hardly noticeable. Daphne: [distraught] Dr. Crane noticed it! Roz: That's because he's always looking at your... Niles: [quickly] Roz! Daphne: Well, I can't go now! Roz: Why not?! Daphne: This is the only formal dress I've got. Roz: Wait! I've got the rest of my dry cleaning down in the car, I bet I have something you can wear, I'll be right back. Roz leaves the front door. Niles: [taking out a tissue and wetting it] You know Daphne, I bet I would be able to get that out for you. [goes to touch it] Daphne: No! The cleaner's spoiled it, he can damn well fix it! [exits] Niles: It would just take... Niles goes to Daphne's room but is stopped by Frasier. Frasier: [on cellular] Can I speak to Cornell, please? Yes, of course I'll hold. Niles: [going to room again] Daphne, I mean it, if I just had a toothbrush and a jeweler's... Frasier: Niles! Niles walks back to the main room with his head low. A few minutes later Frasier is still on his cellular. Frasier: [to Niles] How long is he going to keep me on hold! Niles: [Roz enters] Hey Roz, did you find any kind of thing... Roz runs to the room without a word. Frasier: [into phone] Hello Cornell, yes Frasier Crane here. Listen, I'm hoping that you're not booked on the 19th. Oh Lord, yes I understand that... yes, same to you. Alright, bye-bye. [puts phone down] Damn! Don't you know it, the only date he's got free is the 11th. Damn those concert tickets! Niles: Oh, you know who might be available: Tyler Wilkins. Frasier: Doesn't he work with Cornell? Niles: Oh, dear God, no. They are mortal enemies: they were catering a seafood banquet when Cornell flew into a rage because Tyler had ordered Mahi Mahi instead of Ahi. Of course, Tyler blamed it on Cornell's stutter and they haven't spoken since. [into phone] Tyler, Niles Crane, yes. I was wondering if you were available on the 19th? Wonderful, dinner for... 10. That's great, I'll call you later on and we'll discuss the menu. Thanks, bye-bye. [hangs up] Frasier: That is wonderful, alright, [writing list] now you, me and the fabulous Ashbys. That leaves six chairs to fill. Niles: Well, we'll have to have Joan and Ted Birkin, that's a no- brainer. Frasier: Technically that's two no-brainers, forget the Birkins. Niles: Wait a minute, you can't just steamroll over me, I want the Birkins! Frasier: I don't! Niles: Well, I do! Frasier: All right, we each have a right to blackball, let's say, three guests. We will each get an equal voice. Niles: That's fair enough. Frasier brings over the nut tray. Niles gets three nuts and Frasier gets three nuts. Frasier then places a bowl on the table. Frasier: That's three for me and three for you. And just to get the blackball rolling... [throws one in bowl] Bye-bye, Birkins! Niles: What about John and Carol Peterson, everyone loves them. Frasier: Not everyone! [throws his second in bowl] Blackball! Niles: Why?! Frasier: No, no, we never question the blackball. We just bow to its will. Niles: Fine, Nina and Arch Duncan. Frasier: "The Drunken Duncans?!" Have you lost your... [realizes] Wait a minute. You loathe the Duncans, you just want me to waste a blackball. Niles: That's insane, I adore the Duncans. Frasier: Really? Well, perhaps I misjudged them. Very well Niles, the Duncans it is. [slowly writing] Nina and Arch... Niles: Oh, stop it, they're hideous! [throws in his first] Blackball! What about the Walburts? Frasier: Oh, I like the Walburts. Niles: Finally. Gordons? Frasier: I love the Gordons, now we're rolling. Niles: How about the DiFalcos? Frasier: [throws in last] Blackball! She is a twit. How about the Whitneys? Niles: [throws in second] Blackball! He's a dolt. [Frasier begins eating another nut] Cromwells? Frasier: [throws in nut] Blackball! Niles: Look, if you're gonna... [notices it wasn't official] Wait a minute, you're out of blackballs... this is a dried-up old fig! Frasier: So is Lucy Cromwell, I don't want her at my party. Niles: The Cromwell's are in - the guest list is complete. Now let's start calling everyone. Frasier: Yes - starting with our guests of honor: the Ashbys. [dials then in phone] Hello Hollis, Frasier Crane calling. Listen, Niles and I are planning on having a dinner party on the 19th and... oh. [to Niles] They're leaving to Africa on the 19th. [into phone] Oh, gee that's a shame. We were sorta building the evening around you. Oh! [to Niles] They've got the 11th free. Niles: No good, we've got that concert. Frasier: I didn't ask you to that. [to phone] The 11th should be just fine. Oh no, they've got a conflict. Oh, well that's no problem - they were our very next call. We absolutely adore the Duncans. All right, we'll see you then. [hangs up] Niles: Not the drunken Duncans?! Frasier: I'm sorry Niles, they've got plans for the Ashbys on the 11th, so they're invited too. Niles: Well, I want my blackball back. [takes it] Frasier: Oh, the blackball was dropped, it can never be... Niles: Shut up! Frasier: At least we're getting the Ashbys - in fact, you know what? There's an additional plus - seeing as we're changing our plans to the 11th, it means Cornell can cater. Niles: Oh quick, you call Cornell, I'll call Tyler and tell him we're canceling. [into phone] Tyler. It's Niles Crane again. Yes, listen, it turns out we're not going to need you on the 19th. Frasier: [into phone] Yes, Cornell please. Niles: No, no, no, we're not going with someone else. Cornell?! [laughs] What gave you that idea?! Frasier: Cornell, Frasier Crane. Listen, we've changed our party plans and... Niles and Frasier continue chatting to the two enemy chefs. Niles walks towards Frasier and vice versa, however they brush past each other and drop their mobiles. They don't know who's phone is who's, however Frasier has an idea. Frasier: [smelling phone] This one's mine, I can smell my cologne! They begin talking into the phone - Niles acts as if he's talking to Tyler and Frasier seems to be talking to Cornell. However they both stop, realize, then switch phones. However by this time the angry chefs have hung up. Niles: Well, thanks to your keen sense of smell, we've lost both caterers. I suppose we can always get Kiki Price. Frasier: She still in business? Niles: Yes, they dropped the charges! Frasier: [delighted] Oh. I better phone the Duncans, hope we can catch them before "Happy Hour"! [dials then into phone] Hello, Nina. [aside] Too late! [into phone] Frasier Crane calling. Listen, Niles and I are having the Ashbys over and a few other people for a dinner and we were hoping that you could join us on the 11th... Don't cry, Nina, please. Yes, well, I've always loved you too. What? Joaquin? Joaquin is coming in from Argentina, you'd like him to, to join us... well? Niles: [whispers excitedly] Joaquin?! Joaquin Warens, he's the conductor of the Buenos Aires Philharmonic. Frasier: [to Niles] My God, that's right, they were just down there, they must have met him. [to Nina] We would love to have Joaquin join us! Oh, that's splendid. Alright, right, then we'll see you on the 11th. The 11th. Alright, take two swizzle sticks and stand them up side by side. Eleven, that's right. Niles: We've got Joaquin! [excited] Frasier: Well, don't cry for me, Arch & Nina! Alright, let's see, we've got the Duncans and Joaquin, and that means we're going to have to cut out two couples. Well, the Cromwells and the... Niles: Gordons! Frasier: The Gordons. That leaves us short by one, we need a single female. At this point, as if by cue, Roz walks on from Daphne's bedroom. Niles: Oh Roz, perfect timing. Roz: What's up? Niles: We're having a dinner party and we need an interesting single woman. [she smiles] Do you know anybody? We're desperate! Roz: [angrily she enters the kitchen] Excuse me! Frasier: Naturally we thought of you first, Roz, but this isn't really your kind of crowd. Roz: What? Sophisticated, cultured, is that why you don't think I'd fit in with your snooty elitist friends, I'm not genteel enough?! Frasier: Now Roz... Roz: Now Roz, my ass. I'm just as refined as you are. Shut up, Niles! Roz exits to Daphne's bedroom as Martin enters from his with some news. Martin: Well, I hope you're satisfied. I got everyone to change. We're gonna have it on the 11th. Frasier: The 11th?! Martin: Yeah, and it wasn't easy either, Mel had to reschedule his polyp surgery. Niles: Well Dad, you are really going to laugh at this. Frasier and I rescheduled our dinner party for the 11th. [laughs] Martin: [mad] I'm not changing it back! I'm not! Frasier: Now Dad, I would never even consider asking you to do such a thing. I tell you what, there's no reason why we can't hold both parties simultaneously. The apartment's certainly big enough. Martin: [smugly] I know what you're trying to do, and it won't work! Frasier: What, dad? I'm serious, no, no, we can share the buffet table and we can even have the harpist learn a couple of Bobby Darin tunes for your crowd! Martin: I can stand it if you can! [smug smile] Frasier: Of course, we will have to dim the lights at one point. You see, Nina Duncan always insists on sharing her extensive collection of slides from the summer she danced Agamemmnom at Jacob's Pillow. Martin: [smug smile until he breaks] All right, I'll change it. [leaves to bedroom] Frasier: [to Niles] You call Kiki, and the Walburts. And I'll talk to Roz. Niles: I'm on it! Meanwhile, in Daphne's bedroom, Roz and Daphne are searching through clothes. Daphne is holding clothes up to her. Roz: [impatient] Come on, pick something! Daphne: Pick what?! [throws normal dress down] This one isn't dressy enough! [throws a blue dress down] This one doesn't fit. [picks up a glittery blue dress which covers only everything between the cleavage and the thighs] And this one, well, it's hardly appropriate for a posh cocktail reception! Frasier: [walks in] Excuse me, Roz, listen, I just came to apologize. Roz: [angry] Whatever! Daphne: What happened? Roz: He said I wasn't classy enough to come to his fancy dinner party! Frasier: Roz, you know I didn't mean that. Daphne: Oh, get in line. I've lived here for six years and the only time I'm asked to that table is when I'm holding a freakin' serving spoon! Frasier: It's just a silly dinner party, what's everyone getting so upset about? Daphne: Oh, let's just go. [picks up showy glittery dress] Oh, I suppose this color might look nice on me after all. Niles: [enters] I've left messages for Kiki and the Walburts. Roz: Could you two please leave, so Daphne can change! Niles: [notices Daphne's dress] Daphne, you're not actually going out in that, are you? [laughs politely] Daphne throws the dress away and falls back onto the bed. Daphne: That's it, I'm staying home. Roz: No, just try it, we can accessorize it. Niles: With what?! A lamp post and a public defender?! Roz pushes Niles and Frasier out of the door. As they enter the main room they hear a beep and whirring noise from the answering machine. Frasier: Lord, was that the answering machine? [listens to message] Allison: [from phone] Hi, it's Allison Walburt. And, yes, count us in for the 11th. Looking forward to it, bye. Frasier: That's wonderful, I so enjoy the Walburts. However, it seems the tape hasn't finished yet - Allison's left the phone of the hook. Harry: [from phone] Who was that? Allison: [from phone] We just got invited to a dinner party at Dr. Crane's. Harry: Which Dr. Crane? Allison: Does it matter? You get the one, you get that other one. Personally, I think the whole arrangement's a little... Harry: Is that thing off the hook? Allison: Oh my God! [hangs up] Frasier and Niles look at each other as they switch it off. End Of Act One (Time: 13:15) [SCENE_BREAK] Act Two. The scene resumes where it left off. Frasier and Niles have just switched off the answer phone. Niles: What you suppose she meant by that? Frasier: Obviously, she thinks we're always together. That we're some sort of "couple." Niles: That's ridiculous, we spend lots of times apart. [takes a bit of fluff from Frasier's jacket like a wife would do to her husband] Besides, who is she to talk? Look at her and Harry - they go everywhere together. Frasier: They're married, Niles! Still, there's no reason for her to call us odd! Niles: Wait, she never called us odd - listen. Frasier replays the tape: Allison: Does it matter? You get the one, you get that other one. Personally, I think the whole arrangement's a little... Harry: Is that thing off the hook? Allison: Oh my God! [hangs up] Frasier hangs it up. Niles: You see, she never said odd - we're getting upset over nothing. Frasier: Nothing?! Is there a good end to that sentence?! "Personally, I think the whole arrangement is a little..." What?! Charming?! Niles: Really, will you stop overreacting? Frasier: Perhaps she has a point. Ever since your divorce you have become more and more attached to me. Maybe that's why she said what she said. Niles: What? Frasier: You get Frasier, you get that Niles! Niles: She didn't say that. She said "you get the one, you get that other one." What makes you think that you're the one and I'm that other one?! Frasier: I am the one giving the party, and you are that other one! Niles: I'm the one that invited her, so that makes you that other one! They carry on fighting for a while. Niles: This is absurd! Why don't we just call Allison up and ask her what she thinks is so strange about us? We can both get her on an extension. Frasier: [sarcastic] Better yet, why don't we just get on a bicycle built for two, ride over there and ask her what she thinks is so strange about us! The phone goes which stops them in their tracks. Frasier picks it up - it's Nina Duncan - so he makes a "drunk" sign. Frasier: [on phone] Hello. Yes, hello Nina. Alright, what can I do for you? No, no, dear, you called me. Oh yes, Joaquin can only eat certain foods - well, yes I'd be glad to accommodate them. Let's see, alright... [Niles writes it down] Rice, beans, jerked beef. Any particular reason? I see. Interesting. OK. Bye. [hangs up] Niles: Why is Joaquin on such a strict diet? Frasier: Because the Joaquin they're bringing to dinner is... [falls on sofa] ...their foster child! From a tiny village on the pompus. He speaks no English and he gets nauseated when he eats American food! Niles: [confused] So, he's not the conductor of the Buenos Aires Philharmonic? Frasier: Oh, you are so that other one! [calming down] Where are we going to find someone to babysit a nine year old child? At this moment, again in perfect timing, Roz walks on as she finishes shouting to an off-stage Daphne: Roz: Quit your blubbering and just pick something, dammit! Frasier: Roz- Roz: Now what?! Frasier: You were right. You know, you would be a welcome addition to any party. Roz: Oh, you don't have to say that. Frasier: No honestly, Niles and I want you to join us for dinner. Roz: You mean it? Frasier: In fact, we're having someone who might make a very interesting dinner companion for you. Roz: He's not some stuffy old coot, is he? Frasier: No, no, no.. Niles: [truthful] Young! Frasier: Yes, very young! Roz: OK, thanks! Roz walks back to Daphne's room as Martin enters from his bedroom. Frasier: Not exactly my wish list, but at least we've got the Ashbys. Niles: Allison Walburt can say what she wants, why should we care a whit about what anybody else thinks. Am I right? Frasier: Absolutely! [to Martin] Dad, do you think we're odd?! Martin: [tactical] No, you're not odd. You're just special! Your mother told me that when you were kids and I still believe it. Frasier: Yes, but do you think we spend too much time together? They enter the kitchen. Martin: You're close, lots of brothers are close. Frasier: Yes, I suppose you're right about that. The Gershwins, the Wright Brothers... Niles: I told you we were getting upset over nothing. Martin: [laughs] Course, then there were the Collier brothers! Niles: Collier brothers? Martin: Couple of nuttos that shared an apartment in New York their whole lives. They even built a maze out of newspapers in there that only they knew how to get through. They collapsed on one of them and the other one just sat there with the dead body until the neighbors complained about the smell! [laughs] Pretty crazy story. [gets beer] You recycle right, Niles? [exits] Frasier: You know, maybe it wouldn't be the worst idea if we went our own ways a bit more. Niles: It's possible we have grown a tad dependent on one another. [again takes a bit out of Frasier's jacket] Frasier: Perhaps this is just the warning we need. Today we're planning a dinner party... tomorrow we're wearing matching pajamas and washing each other's hair! Let's face it, Niles, we are one stone's throw away from becoming the neighborhood kooks! Right down to the local children ringing our doorbell and running away. Niles: Now Frasier, you are letting your imagination get the better of you. Come on, let's go make a seating chart. Frasier: You always know how to cheer me up. Frasier and Niles enter the main room as Daphne enters from her room in Roz's dress. Niles: Oh Daphne, isn't that Roz's dress? Daphne: Yes, it was really the only thing that looked good on me. [calling] Come on, Roz, we don't want to be late! Roz enters wearing the showy glittery blue dress. Daphne: Doesn't she look beautiful! Roz: [angry] Oh, shut it, Daphne! I know you think I look like a hooker. Daphne: No, I said it made me look like a hooker. On you... well, it works. As Roz storms out of the apartment, Daphne follows her and closes the door. The phone goes and Frasier answers. Frasier: [on phone] Hello? Yes, yes. Oh Lord, I'm so sorry you can't make it. That's all right. Yes, some other time. Goodbye. [hangs up] Niles: Please not the Ashbys. Frasier: Family emergency. Apparently it's so urgent they didn't have time to think up a plausible excuse! Niles: So where does that leave us? Frasier: Well, let's see... we have a third-rate caterer with a record, a couple of lushes, a couple who think we're both nutcases, an Argentine wild child and Roz! [throws down list] Dinner is served! Niles: [realizing] I still have one blackball left. Frasier: At this point I don't think one is going to make any difference. Niles: It will to me, I'm using it on myself. [black balls himself] Blackball! However, Frasier is angry with him and claims you cannot blackball yourself. They begin grappling at the bowl until all the balls shoot out. Frasier steadies himself. Frasier: We are the Collier brothers! Why don't we just face the inevitable: let us just cancel the whole damn thing. Niles: Of course, canceling the party twenty minutes later - people'll think we're strange! Frasier: Frankly, I'm sick and tired about giving a damn about what other people think. You know, most of them are one ball away from not being here in the first place. Niles: You're right. So we spend a lot of time together, so what? I enjoy it. Frasier: So do I, Niles. You know, why don't we make those calls tomorrow to cancel? I'm famished, why don't we just head over to "Companion" for dinner, my treat. Niles: [excited] You're on. [laughing] Unless you think it's too odd to have dinner together. [gets coat] Frasier: [laughs] I don't think we're in any danger of that. If our relationship became truly odd I think we're both intelligent enough to recognize the signs. The doorbell sounds so they go to answer it. There is nobody there, but a distant sound of children giggling. Niles, recognizing the signs, decides to forget dinner and just go home. End Of Act Two. (Time: 21:33) [SCENE_BREAK] An irate Frasier resumes where he left off. After saying goodnight to Niles he enters the kitchen and picks up some stacks of paper. He then takes them outside to be recycled.	Plan: A: Frasier; Q: Who decides to hold a dinner party? A: Niles; Q: Who does Frasier plan a dinner party with? A: the answering machine; Q: Who takes the message from the Walburts? A: the message; Q: What does the answering machine take when the Walburts ring back to accept the invitation? A: their friends; Q: Who do the brothers worry are seeing them as a married couple? Summary: Frasier decides to hold a dinner party, and plans it with Niles. When his invitees the Walburts ring back to accept the invitation, the answering machine takes the message, and Frasier and Niles hear the couple talking about them before they realize they are still connected. This leads the brothers to worry that their friends see them rather like a married couple themselves.
Kevin: Uh oh. She's doing it again. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Phyllis has gotten into audio books and lately she's been listening to 50 Shades of Grey. Which, if you don't know what it is, it's a book about um... Clark: It's p0rn. Pam: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [Phyllis rocks her chair into his provocatively] Seriously. Ugh. Ok, this is unacceptable. It's officially a hostile work environment. Phyllis: Why? Darryl: Somebody just needs to get her attention, tell her it's not OK to do this in public. Pam: Be careful. I pulled my mom's dog off a pillow once, and I got bit. Meredith: Just ignore her. Sooner or later she'll finish. Group: Ugh. Ew. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: What? Dwight: Phyllis is mstrbtng. In the office right now as we speak. Angela: Can we skip the color commentary and just have Andy go out there and fire her? Toby: He- he can't do that. Turns out she's allowed to have feelings of sexual arousal. It doesn't become a violation until she physically acts on it. Group: No! Oscar: Toby, how do you propose that we- Andy:Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Why is Phyllis so aroused? Pam: She's listening to 50 Shades of Grey. Andy: Well there you go. That's muy caliente. Dwight: OK, you are useless. I'll take care of this. [walks out of Andy's office and dumps water on Phyllis] Phyllis: What the hell?! Dwight: It's OK guys, she's no longer horny. Andy: Excuse me, dirty birdie [takes Phyllis' iPod] Phyllis: Wait, what? Andy: You can have this back at the end of the day. [cut to Andy listening to the iPod and looking aroused, water is dumped on him] Oh!! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Clark, I need your advice. I'm having some lady troubles. Clark: What's her name? Dwight: Esther Ruger. [Angela makes a face in the background] Clark: Sweet. Dwight: Lives on the neighboring farm. 85 acres. Clark: Oh yeah. Keep talkin'. Dwight: Well, we've been out three times, there has been physicality but the thing is we were hanging out with her father the other night looking at a farm catalog, next thing I know he wants to lease a tractor with me. Clark: Oh. Dwight: [laughs] What do you think? Clark: The same thing that you think. Dwight: A long term tractor lease is going to put pressure on a relationship. Clark: God, one of my buddies is going through the same thing right now. Something in the air. Angela: Here you go. And good for you Dwight, I'm so glad you found someone. I bet she's got kind eyes. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: Dwight is dating a brussel sprout farmer named Esther. She's coming here this afternoon with her father. Who knows? Maybe she'll be pulling the horse cart! [laughs] [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [on phone] Cici has been calling me 'Pamela'. Like four times this week. Jim: Oh man. [laughs] Pam: I wonder if she'll start calling you 'Jim'. Jim: Oh boy, please don't. Let's not let that happen. Pam: [laughs] Um. Jim: What was I gonna- What was I gonna say? Pam: You're- You know your assistant told me that you have a big pitch meeting today. With Ryan Howard. How did that happen? Jim: Not that Ryan Howard. Um, the Phillies' first baseman. Pam: Oh, oh OK. Jim: Yeah, yeah. Exactly. Pam: [sighs] Um, Ok. Well? Jim: Yeah. So, uh, I'll uh, talk to you later? Pam: Yeah, sounds good. Ok. Jim: Ok great. Pam: Ok. Jim: Bye. Pam: Bye. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: [Meredith laughs] What's going on? Oh, did Gangnam Style put out a new song? Oscar: There's a promo for the new documentary on the web. Phyllis: Play it again. Promo Voice: [Music begins, Michael Scott is shown] The boss. [Pam and Dwight are shown in episodes past] The workers. [Ryan and Michael are shown] The lives. [Jim and Pam and Dwight and Angela are shown] The loves. [More flashback clips] The people. The paper. The Office: An American Workplace. Coming soon on WVIA. Kevin: Whoa. You go to the bathroom for 45 minutes and everything changes. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: This is a documentary? Oh, I always thought we were like specimens in a human zoo. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: [Angela is rewatching the promo and looks nervous about the part with her and Dwight] Did you see this? [lifts monitor in her direction] Angela: Your screen is all black. You just unplugged your computer. [SCENE_BREAK] Clark: [Pam smiles as she watches the promo with her and Jim on the roof] Oh my god, is that you and Jim? Pam: Uh huh. Clark: Jeez, you fell in love with that hair? Really? [laughs] Yikes. That is awful. Pam: It wasn't so bad. Andy: Guys, are you reading the online comments? Somebody commented on my banjo playing. "Banjo at 0:19 is aight" Internet, calm down! I must be really connected with this guy. I mean that's the guy's name, right? ChobbleGobbler? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Hey man, how you doin'? Jim Halpert. Ryan Howard: Nice to meet you. Eat Fresh. Darryl: Hey, man. Darryl. Ryan Howard: Hey there, Ryan. Nice to meet you. Eat Fresh. [to camera] Eat Fresh. Jim: Let's go to the conference room. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Esther's on her way up. I wonder if she wants a snack. Let's see, I know she likes apples and carrots. Angela: I bet she does. I bet she'll eat them right out of your hand with those big strong teeth. Dwight: Did I tell you about her teeth? Erin: Hey Dwight, you have some guests. I think they're from the forest where we harvest our paper. Angela: Yes. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Ah, the Ruger family. Welcome. Mr. Ruger: Fine office you have here. Sturdy walls. Dwight: Yes. Esther, you look radiant as always. Esther: Thank you. [Dwight kisses her forehead] [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: I guess men find Esther attractive. I mean if there are chubby chasers, then there are men that like that....thing. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Weird to see how we used to look in those promos. Some of us have changed so much. Stanley: [eating soft pretzel] We've all changed. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: With our firm, you'll be building equity for long after they've retired your number. Darryl: And we all know, baseball does not last forever. Ryan Howard: I look at these actors on TV and I think: "C'mon, I can do that." Jim: Right? [laughs] Ryan Howard: Watch this: Eat Fresh. Now what does that make you think of? Darryl: Subway sandwiches. Jim: Yep. Ryan Howard: How? I didn't say Subway sandwiches. It's called playing the subtext. Jim: Wow. Ryan Howard: I actually wrote a screenplay, it's called "The Big Piece" Jim: Based on his nickname. Like it already. Let me guess, it's autobiographical. Ryan Howard: Half biopic and half superhero movie. A mild mannered professional baseball player, Ryan Howard- Jim: OK Ryan Howard: -hits a home run into outer space. Ball comes back with space dust on it, which transforms him into: The Big Piece. Darryl: The space dust does it. Jim: Space dust. Darryl: Yeah. Ryan Howard: I actually brought a- some copies of my script if you guys wanna read it together. Jim: Sure, yeah. [laughs] Hollywood. [Ryan Howard pulls out 3 thick scripts] Alright. Darryl: Wow. Yeah, we gonna read it. Jim: Ok, great. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Andy, are there documentary groupies? Andy: Of course there are! Kevin: Of course. Toby: A little ironic that I'm going to be kind of a TV star, because my last Chad Flendermen novel [groups groans] was based on a murdered TV star. The small screen- Nellie: Oh, I don't care. Oscar: Hey guys, I just found another promo. It's in Danish. I guess it's gonna start airing in Denmark. Pam: Oh my god! [SCENE_BREAK] Promo Announcer: [Speaks Danish] Kevin: What was that word they said when they showed me "Skrald mand"? What's that mean in Danish? Cool guy? [Oscar looks it up] Oscar: Dumpster Man. Kevin: Cool. Superhero. Angela: What about me? "Klokken tre pige" Oscar: "Three PM Girl" Angela: What? Why would they...wait a second, wait a second! What was that? [pauses on her and Dwight leaving the warehouse area where they've just had s*x] Oh! I didn't know they were filming then! Oscar: It looks like the camera man was hiding behind the shelves. Phyllis: Wait. So they were filming all the time? Even when we didn't know it? Angela: Oh my god. [All look at camera horrified] [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: There was much more secret filming than I expected. [laughs] But I am fine with it, I mean it. I am. Oscar: Are you kidding me? It's like half the show is secret footage. Meredith: I am a very private person. I show 'em when I wanna show 'em. Who wants a taste? [lifts shirt to flash camera] Boob sauce! Group: No! Oscar: Meredith! Angela: Come on! Nellie: Oh my god. Do they film us at night when we're sleeping? Oscar: Yes, Erin. They film us at night when we're sleeping. Cause that makes great TV! Erin: Hey. Angela: Oscar. Oscar: I'm sorry sweetie. This whole thing is just freaking me out. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: I have been very honest with you guys. In a way that could seriously impact the political career of a very good friend of mine. You're not going to use any of that, are you? [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: People, relax! We are killing it online. Have you guys checked the comments? SmokeThatSkinwagon says: "You guys are killing it!" I mean, we're internet sensations guys! Angela: I think we need to figure out what's going on. I might just take a little walk. Stanley: Yes, a little walk sounds like a good idea. [groups moves to warehouse and you can hear Erin whispering something] Oscar: Ok everyone, turn off your mikes. Angela: We need to know more. Did their shots have sound? What exactly did they get on tape? Erin: I sneezed into my hands without using Purell and then dipped into the candy jar. Did they film that? Nellie: My first week here I sneezed directly into the candy jar because I thought I'd get more [Angela and Oscar make disgusted faces] I thought I'd get more screen time than anyone. Pete: Ok, Pam. Why don't you visit your buddy, the crew guy that got fired? Find out what they got. Pam: Brian? Pete: Yeah. Pam: Yeah, I guess I could. Stanley: Hurry Pam, I need to know how much hellfire is going to rain down on me. Phyllis: I thought Terry knew about Cynthia? Stanley: She does. But neither of them know about Lydia. Group: Oh! Meredith: Wow. [SCENE_BREAK] Clark: Whoa! Whoa! OK, so what's this lever do? Ruger Sister 1: That manipulates the secondary shaft. Clark: Oh, the secondary shaft. Eeeh, oooga! [laughs] Salesmen: The lift capacity's up at two thousand pounds. That's a lot of beets. Mr. Ruger: Let's talk terms. If you agree to a forty sixty split on this tractor, I'll store it in one of my barns. Dwight: Mr. Ruger, are you trying to take advantage of me because I'm interested in your daughter? Fifty fifty split or no deal. Mr. Ruger: Esther, get in the truck. Dwight: Ok ok ok, wait! You win. [shakes hands] Salesman: Let's get the paperwork started. [SCENE_BREAK] Ruger Sister 2: We should buy an auger together. Clark: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Ruger Sister 1: You would be a great one to buy an auger with. [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: [on phone] Hello, honey? I just spoke to the TV repair man, he says we need to keep our TVs turned off for a couple of months. Something about the wiring. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Oh! Seven new comments. "The guy at 0:19 is hawt!" [typing] "Hi Bongripper, it's me, Andy. The guy from 0:19, I'm glad that you enjoyed my work in that promo. I really enjoyed your comment, going to read some more comments now. Have a great day!"[reading] "He's not hawt, he's gay." [typing] "Dear JasonJasonJason, it's me, Andy. Nice name. Not! Guess what? I'm not gay! So you are an IDIOT. And I am hawt, according to people on this site who have a brain. Never comment on this page ever again." [reading] "He is hawt!" See, thank you, that's more like it. "He is butt." God dammit! I'm about to lose my FREAKING MIND! Screw you TexasPoonTappa! Uh! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Security deposit. That's been- Mr. Ruger: Standard. Dwight: Right, standard. Clark: Hey, can I talk to you for one second? Dwight: No. Clark: One second. Dwight: No. Clark: One second. Dwight: I am closing a deal on a tractor with the father of a woman I plan to inseminate. Clark: Don't do it. [takes Dwight's pen] Dwight: What? Don't you cap that pen. Do not cap that pen! Do not! Ugh! You capped it. Wow. You are serious. Ok, you've got two minutes and then the cap comes off. Clark: Dude, we're being conned. Dwight: Go on. Clark: These chicks are way too hot to be into us. Esther's just pretending to like you so that you'll buy her daddy a new tractor. Dwight: No. Clark: Yes. Her sister's trying to seduce me into buying an auger with her. Dwight: What? Has the warranty expired on the auger you have now? Clark: I don't even know what an auger is! Dwight: No woman would ever want a man who doesn't know what an auger is. Mr. Ruger: Hey, you ready to sign? Dwight: I just need a moment to consider your offer. Excuse me. [grabs Clark] [SCENE_BREAK] Brian: Oh, hey! Pam: Hey! Brian: Hi. [laughs] Pam: Hi, um. I'm sorry, do you have a minute? Is this a bad time? Brian: No, no, please, yeah, come on in. It's good to see you. Sorry, my place is usually not this- Pam: Oh my gosh, please, don't. Brian: Yeah, no, I- actually it's always like this. [laughs] Do you want to go outside? It's a little less cluttered out there. Pam: Sure, yeah. Yeah. Brian: Let me grab a couple drinks. Pam: OK. [Goes out onto terrace] Oh wow, you have a nice view. Brian: Alright, that's for you. [hands her beer] Pam: Oh, thank you. Brian: Cheers. Pam: Cheers. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: [Plays boom box to drown out sound] Alright, how much have you revealed on camera about your relationship with the senator? Oscar: They caught us kissing on Halloween. Angela: Oh! He was dressed like Ronald Reagan! [Slaps Oscar] Oscar: Oh! Angela: God! Oscar: Angela! Well he kissed like Jack Kennedy! Angela: Oh! [slaps him again] Stop it! Stop kissing him! Someone needs to call and warn him. This could ruin his career. Oscar: Well, I don't like giving him bad news. Angela: Call him! Oscar: You call him! Angela: Call him! [hits Oscar] Oscar: Stop hitting me! Angela: Call him! Call him! Oscar: No! [SCENE_BREAK] Brian: So... Pam: So.. Brian: What brings you by? Pam: Well, the promo for the documentary aired today. Brian: Oh yeah, that's right. Pam: Yeah. It's kinda crazy. Brian: Yeah, it is. Pam: See all this like old stuff, like um, there's that shot of Jim and I up on the roof? Brian: Oh yeah, that was, that was a good moment. Pam: Yeah, wasn't that neat? Brian: Yeah, it was cool. Pam: Yeah, and there's this one when we were listening to music and it's like, it's like w were in love and we didn't even know we were in love and it's...but- Do you think Jim's changed? Brian: Um... Pam: I'm sorry. Did that? That was out of the blue- Brian: No no, it's- Pam: I just mean because you know us and you like observed us for ten years and I feel like he's- I just feel like...he's so into his work right now and....I don't know, am I crazy? Brian: No, you're not crazy. Pam: Well, I wish that made me feel better. Listen, so everybody saw the promos and they're kinda freaking out. [Brian laughs] Cause it seems like you got a lot of private stuff on camera- Brian: Yeah. Pam: You know, stuff people didn't intend for everyone to see. And they kinda want to know how much. Brian: They want to know how much what? Pam: How much stuff you got. Brian: Pretty much everything. Pam: Well yeah, but what if we turned our mike packs? Brian: They've got parabolic mikes, they can pick you up a hundred yards away, so...no if you were around there, they got you. Pam: So we basically had no privacy for ten years. Brian: That's not really true, I mean- Pam: Um...yeah, I gotta, I gotta go. Brian: Oh no, hang on a second. Pam, I'm sorry, I- I- I can explain this so much better. Pam: No I think you explained it. Brian: Look, if you give me a chance I can, I- [Pam leaves] Pam. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: "Together we will win this baseball game against the evil space Yankees. Eat Fresh." Ryan Howard: That'll pay for the exploding helicopter. Jim: Smart. Ryan Howard: "Suddenly, the evil thugs break in to the stadium. The Big Piece hits baseballs at the evil thugs." Jim: "Buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks." Ryan Howard: Come on man, sell it! Darryl: Yeah, Jim. Jim: [louder] "Buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks!" Ryan Howard: Yeah, that's better. A bunch of hot women go: "Oh yeah!" Jim: "Megan, I was too shy to tell you this when I was just a normal professional baseball player, but I love you." Ryan Howard: "They kiss. It is super emotional. Like in Toy Story." Jim: Wow. I tell you what, it's really strong. I can't wait to read the rest of it later and see how it ends. Darryl: It's so strong. Ryan Howard: Keep reading then. Jim: "Gotta go! Darth Vader's launching a huge attack." Ryan Howard: Um another thing. I'm gonna need you to get me the rights to Darth Vader. Jim: I don't know how we'd go about doing that. Darryl: We can look into it. Jim: We'll look into it. Ryan Howard: We need Darth. Jim: We gotta get him. Darryl: We'll go after Darth then. Jim: We're gonna go get him. Darryl: That's what we gotta do. Jim: We're gonna get him. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Maybe you're right. Esther's a ten and the best I've ever done is Angela who's a nine and she rejected me. Clark: A Scranton nine, but yeah, point taken. Hey, let's go out tonight and just score a couple fours huh? I mean there are no games with fours. Dwight: Who needs a new tractor anyway? Maybe we're the kinda guys who end up with a tractor that's already been rode hard and put away muddy. Clark: Screw new tractors. Guys like us, we gotta plant our seed a different way. Dwight: By hand. Esther: Dwight, we need to talk. Dwight: I don't know that there's anything left for us to talk about, Esther. Esther: Look, we're gonna have the tractor for the same amount of work days but my dad is planning on leasing it to the Vanderkirk brothers on the weekends. Dwight: No. Esther: So you're going to be paying more, but he's putting on ten times the miles and he's pocketing a profit behind your back. Dwight: That snake! Esther: You need to tell him you want a deal based on miles or he can just stick that tractor where the sun don't shine. Dwight: That shady grove out by Willard's pond. Esther: Mmhm. Dwight: So, you're fine with me not leasing the tractor? I mean, our courtship can proceed? Esther: Of course. [laughs] You didn't just think I was tractor bait, did you? Dwight: [laughs] No! Clark: Hey Dwight, what's an auger used for? Dwight: Post hole digging. [points and laughs with Esther] Esther: Stupid. [SCENE_BREAK] Senator: [On speakerphone] You've reached Senator Robert Lipton, please leave a message. [beep] Angela & Oscar: Hi honey! Oscar: Oh you? Angela: No you go. Hi honey! Oscar: Hey, Hey Robert! Angela: It's Angela and Oscar. Oscar: Hey. Angela: Just a few quick things. Oscar: Um the documentary's going to be airing soon, and, and you look great in the promos. Angela: Oh you look so handsome! Very presidential. Oscar: Very much so. Angela: Yeah. Oscar: Absolutely. Angela: Yeah! Oscar: Hey, I get the sense you're gonna be outed as gay. Angela: Yes and I cheated on you with Dwight, it looks like they got it on film. I didn't tell you about it. Oscar: I think that's it! Angela: I think we're good. Oscar: Done! Angela: Bye! Oscar: Ok! Angela: Love you! [Oscar hangs up] God. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [on video] Hey! TexasPoonTappa and JasonJasonJason and all the rest of you haters out there! Check this out. [plays banjo, screen types out "you suck my nutz" from TexasPoonTappa, camera zooms out to reveal Nellie] Nellie: Good night Andy. Andy: Huh? Yeah, see ya. [sees comment] Oh! What?! [starts crying] [SCENE_BREAK] Promo Announcer: [Speaks Danish] Pam: I hope you got sound on everything. I'd love a DVD of that. [at computer opens translator. Types in "Elskere" which comes back as "lovers" Pam smiles]	Plan: A: the office; Q: Where is everyone excited when international promos for the documentary surface? A: their secrets; Q: What do the employees fear being revealed? A: Pam; Q: Who reflects on how much she and Jim have changed over the past nine years? A: Dwight; Q: Who makes Angela jealous when he starts dating a Brussels sprout farmer? A: Clark; Q: Who suspects Dwight is being lured into a scam? A: Andy; Q: Who battles rude comments on the internet? A: a big meeting; Q: What do Jim and Darryl have with Major League baseball player, Ryan Howard? A: Ryan Howard; Q: Who pitches a bizarre sci-fi sports movie about himself? Summary: Everyone in the office is excited when international promos for the documentary surface, but are soon horrified to discover how much candid filming has taken place. While everyone panics about their secrets being revealed, Pam reflects upon how much she and Jim have changed over the past nine years. Dwight makes Angela jealous when he starts dating a Brussels sprout farmer, who Clark suspects may be trying to lure Dwight into a scam. Andy battles rude comments on the Internet. Meanwhile, Jim and Darryl have a big meeting with Major League baseball player, Ryan Howard , who pitches a bizarre sci-fi sports movie about himself.
(Sydney walks to her mother's empty cell and goes inside. She looks around.) (Flashback to earlier. A guard stands outside a boardroom. Taking place inside is the joint intelligence committee, special session. Sydney sits at a table by herself talking into the microphone with a bunch of sentators sitting across from her at the other end of the room.) SYDNEY: Five weeks ago, Irina Derevko surrendered herself to the CIA. She claimed that she wanted to cooperate to seek restitution for the criems she committed against the United States. During the next several weeks, Irina Derevko provided meaningful intelligence to the CIA on several occasions-- SENATOR DOUGLAS: Pardon the interruption, Agent Bristow. Let's talk about last week, the incident in Madagascar. SYDNEY: Before Derevko turned herself into the CIA, as leverage, she concealed her organization's operations manual. Last week the CIA discovered where it was hidden. When I told Derevko I was going in to retrieve the manual, she informed us that the building was safe to enter. In truth, it was a trap. Derevko had rigged it with explosives. Just as we were about to enter the building, an agent spotted something on the satellite imagery. SENATOR DOUGLAS: That agent was your father. SYDNEY: Yes. He saved my life. (Continuing now, Sydney is still in the cell, looking around. She finds something on the window sill. It's one of her mother's earrings. She's looking at it when Jack enters.) SYDNEY: I wanted to stand in this cell, just once. You tried to warn me about her so many times. I'm so sorry that I didn't listen to you. JACK: Some things you need to experience for yourself. I imagine every parent wants to protect their children from that truth. SYDNEY: I never said thank you for saving my life. JACK: We're due for a briefing at SD-6. We should go. (Sydney smiles and nods. She walks out with Jack following her. Outside the cell, they walk down the hallway side-by-side. Sydney links her arm through his. Jack looks at her.) (In Vienna, a car comes to a stop at a red light. A few cars are in line ahead of him. The light turns green but the cars don't move. The guy honks, impatient. Then he honks again, getting even more impatient. Someone gets out of the car behind him, wearing a mask and holding a massive shotgun. He racks the gun and points it at the impatient fellow. He and another masked gunman start shooting. The impatient guy's horn is now blaring because he's slumped over against the steering wheel, shot to death. The gunmen go back to their car. They drive away. As they're passing the shot car they throw a grenade or an explosive of some sort into the shattered window. The cars that were ahead of him are gone. The car blows up. Bystanders scream.) (SD-6 briefing with Dixon, Sydney, Jack, Sloane and Marshall.) SLOANE: Niels Hater. The so-called Austrian connection was murdered yesterday morning in Viena. The bold nature of the hit, the complete disregard for civilian collateral damage, indicates the work of the triad. DIXON: Hater was triad. They killed one of their own? SLOANE: Yes, we believe so. (Briefing with Vaughn at the self-storage building.) VAUGHN: The triad? You never mentioned them before. SYDNEY: It's a loose coalition of organized crime entities. They deal in mainly drugs and prostitution, but over the past couple of years they've made a significant foray into weapons. VAUGHN: Okay. So why did they kill Hater? SYDNEY: Because he was selling intel to SD-6. (The SD-6 briefing, continuing.) SLOANE: In his last communique to our source in Viena, Hater informed us that the triad was engaged in a plot to deploy and develop sixteen Next Generation weapons. DIXON: Any idea what Next Generation refers to? SLOANE: No, which is a major source for concern. According to the communique, testing of the weapons is ahead of schedule which means they may soon be put into the field. SYDNEY: Do we know where these weapons are now? JACK: Budapest. During the Cold War, the Russians bulit a massive bomb shelter under the magistrate's bureau. The triad has been using that shelter as a testing facility. (No one says anything. Sloane is thinking about something, his mind elsewhere. Jack looks at him. Sloane snaps back to attention but Jack and Sydney exchange a "Did you see that? What was that about?" look.) SLOANE: Your mission is to gain access to that facility, identify the nature of the weapons, retrieve the specs and test data off the central server and then proceed to the R&D lab and photograph the weapons. (Vaughn briefing.) VAUGHN: So that SD-6 can engineer the weapons for themselves. SYDNEY: Which we won't let happen. VAUGHN: Okay. I'll confer with your father about your countermission. SYDNEY: My father? VAUGHN: He didn't tell you? Based on your father's instincts in the Madagascar incident, Devlin gave him operational approval. SYDNEY: Oh. VAUGHN: When you and I were approaching that building, ops was monitoring our process via sat radar scan. Now, at the last moment, your father switched to infrared which is how he saw the explosives. We don't have routine satellite coverage over Madagascar, one had to be retasked. Now the closest one was over the Indian Ocean, yet your father specifically requested the one over the South Atlantic. Which, of the two, is the only one that has infrared capabilities. SYDNEY: He wanted to account for every possibility. VAUGHN: Probably. Or it's posible that he already knew there'd be explosives at that entrance. SYDNEY: I don't see how, he never truested my mother's motives but he... You think my father wired that entrance... to set up my mother. We were nearly killed! VAUGHN: I know. SYDNEY: If there had been interference on our comms-- VAUGHN: You have to admit it wouldn't be the first time. SYDNEY: Meaning what?! VAUGHN: Rusik. SYDNEY: Rusik! VAUGHN: Your father set up Rusik! SYDNEY: I was a prisoner! Sloane was about to have me executed! VAUGHN: I don't see why you're denying this possibility! SYDNEY: I understand that your authority has been superceded by my father and maybe you feel irrelevant. But he saved our lives. Remember that! I won't wait to hear from you. (She walks out.) (Francie's unnamed restaurant. Music plays as Sydney walks in. She looks around at all the people talking and laughing and spots Francie and Will.) SYDNEY: Hey! WILL: Hey. FRANCIE: Hi, you look fabulous! SYDNEY: Oh, so do you. I am--I am so proud of you. FRANCIE: Thank you. SYDNEY: Where did you get all these people? FRANCIE: Can you believe it? I invited a hundred people, thinking maybe seventy would show up. WILL: You said you were worried. FRANCIE: He tells his NA meeting. WILL: And they're good people. FRANCIE: I'm sure they're fantastic people but we make ninety per cent of our profits from the bar and they don't drink. (They all giggle. Later, dance music plays. Jack walks in. Sydney is dancing with Will. She gets twirled around by him, with a big smile on her face. Jack stands near the door, looking uncomfortable. Sydney is laughing and gives Will a little hug. Over her shoulder she sees him. Francie sees Jack and waves at him. He waves back awkwardly. He motions outside to Sydney, she tells Will and walks out to join her dad. Outside, on the sidewalk, Jack waits.) SYDNEY: Hi. JACK: The plane leaves for Budapest in an hour. You'll meet Dixon at the airport. When you get into the triad's test facility, you'll log onto their computer. Sloane expects you to disable the firewall so that SD-6 can hack in and directly download the specs for the Next Gen weapons. Once you've accessed the computer you'll contact the CIA and give us the IP address. We'll download the specs. Here, memorize this number. This is the IP address you'll give Dixon. He'll think he's accessing the triad's computer but he'll be on a CIA server. We've set up some dummy files for him to download. SYDNEY: Anything else? JACK: Sydney, Washington has made a decision regarding your mother. What she did to you invalidated her agreement with the CIA. The government is pressing charges. They're going to seek the death penalty. (At the CIA, Vaughn walks and is suddenly stopped by Craig, another agent.) CRAIG: Hey, Daddy. VAUGHN: Hey, Craig, what are you doing in LA? CRAIG: Madagascar customs picked up a US national transporting explosives. They brought him to LA, I'm babysitting him to New York. Listen, I heard about Weiss. How's he doing? VAUGHN: It was--it was rough but they say he's going to be okay. Which is more than I can say about the nursing staff. CRAIG: Wait till he gets home, he's going to be insufferable. VAUGHN: Listen, I have to-- CRAIG: Yeah, yeah, go, go. I'll be back next month. I want to play some ball. VAUGHN: Well, you think you're ready for this? CRAIG: That's cute, that's cute. (They part ways. Vaughn has a lightbulb moment and catches up with Craig.) VAUGHN: Craig! The guy with the explosives, was it semtex? CRAIG: Yeah. VAUGHN: Vintage Russian stuff. CRAIG: Yeah, that's right. How'd you know that? VAUGHN: And he's here in LA. CRAIG: Yeah, for the next two hours. VAUGHN: I have to talk to him. (Craig leads Vaughn to a parking garage underground. A few guards stand around.) CRAIG: He's with me. GUARD: Badge. (Vaughn flips open his wallet to show the badge. The back door to a large van opens and Vaughn climbs in. He sits across from the guy who appeared in last week's episode: Jack's contact.) VAUGHN: Manola de Souza, I'm Agent Vaughn. Has anyone offered you a drink? I'm sure I could find a soda. (de Souza says nothing.) VAUGHN: (nods) This is not a good time to be a terrorist, Manola. A couple of years ago, and you would have had some civil rights. Now we just throw you in a cell, no attorney, no due process. So who were you working for? (de Souza says nothing.) VAUGHN: Okay. (nods) In that case, we'll just let the pictures tell the story. Satellite photos from four days ago showing you rigging a plantation building in the jungle near Sambava. Those photos are all we need to put you away for the rest of your life. So I'm going to ask you one more time: do you want that soda? (de Souza says nothing. Vaughn starts to leave. He gets up, but de Souza grabs at his arm.) DE SOUZA: I was working for you, you son of a bitch. CIA. (Vaughn sits back down.) VAUGHN: Through what office? DE SOUZA: My contact was Jack Bristow. You tell that bstrd I'm not taking the fall on this. (In Budapest, Sydney and Dixon are sitting in their surveillance van. Sydney's sporting a short blonde wig and glasses.) SYDNEY: Testing 1-2-3... DIXON: Good. Once you disable the network firewall I'll download the database while you access the viewing room and take photos of the weapons. The guards change shifts at noon. That gives you ten minutes to take place. SYDNEY: How do I look? DIXON: Lip gloss. (He holds out the tube for her. Flashback to Marshall, holding the same tube in the conference room.) MARSHALL: What I have here is an ordinary tube of lip gloss. Let's say you're at the beach and your lips are feeling a little -- "My lips are chapped!" -- or you're possibly on a date, it's the end of the night and some smooching. You want your lips to be supple. (He puts some on.) Pistachio. That's my favorite flavor. But you flip it over and it's a miniature camera with compressed air injector. Take a look and go ahead and smile 'cause you're on TV. (All their screens show Sydney and Dixon from the camera's point of view. They smile a little. Marshall flips it over and has himself on screen, extremem close up. He looks in the camera then at the screen to see himself. Back and forth.) MARSHALL: Uh, and uh, anyway, this, there's three cameras inside the tube. I mean, I wanted to make four but then there wouldn't be any room for the actual lip gloss. I'll make you a fresh one. (In Budapest, Sydney takes the tube from Dixon with a smile. She gets out of the van and walks into the building. Cut to the building, where Sydney walks down the hall with an employee, an older man.) EMPLOYEE: So you're making a family tree? SYDNEY: It's a present for my grandparents. They're both from Budapest but they lost everything in the war. (takes out lip gloss) EMPLOYEE: Well, I'm certain you'll find the documentation of their marriage and you should be able to find their registration of birth. Our records are very complete, dating back to 1895. Older than that, unfortunately, not so thorough. (They turn a corner and Sydney points the camera up to the ceiling and shoots it. One of the cameras gets embedded into the ceiling tile. They keep walking. From Dixon's perspective, with the camera in the ceiling, he can now see the security keypad.) DIXON: Good work, Syd. (The employee leads Sydney into the document room.) EMPLOYEE: Birth records are here. Over there, documents of marriage and death. The correlation is unintended. (chuckles) Please. (Dixon, with the help of Sydney's camera that she shot into the ceiling, watches as another employee punches in a code to get into another room.) DIXON: 8-2-4... (Back in the document room.) EMPLOYEE: One problem. All documents are in Hungarian. How do you expect to know what they're saying? (Sydney smiles and speaks Hungarian to him. He's impressed, and also sweet on her.) EMPLOYEE: That's good. SYDNEY: My grandparents taught me. (He smiles, all suave. He leaves.) DIXON: All right, Syd, you're clear. (She walks down the hall to the security keypad.) DIXON: Combination is 8-2-4-0-2. (Sydney punches it in and is cleared. She goes inside, turns a corner, tries a door but it's locked. She takes out a lockpicking stick from the pocket of her jacket. She goes inside to the computer network room.) SYDNEY: Stand by, Dixon, I'm going radio silent. DIXON: Okay, Syd, stand by. (Sydney touches her necklace and clicks it on.) SYDNEY: Mountaineer, in position. Come in, boot camp. (Back in LA, Jack and Vaughn are listening with their headsets.) JACK: Copy that, Mountaineer. (Sydney folds out a keyboard and clips it in to their computer wall.) SYDNEY: Stand by for IP address, boot camp. (types) Boot camp, IP address is 199.181.134.104. I have opened port 47. [SCENE_BREAK] (Jack, back in LA, logs in using the information.) JACK: Good work, Mountaineer. Go ahed, give the dummy IP to Dixon. See you at home. (Vaughn gives Jack the stink-eye.) SYDNEY: Copy that. (clicks to Dixon) Dixon, I've disconnected the firewall. The IP address is 259.10.3.179. DIXON: Good work, Syd. Now go get some pictures of the weapons and we're out of here. The viewing room is around the corner, to the left. The door is marked (speaks Hungarian). SYDNEY: Copy that. DIXON: You're clear to exit. (Sydney looks and then hides behind a partition out in the hallway. She shoots another the ceiling so Dixon can check for her.) DIXON: Okay... go. (She runs, tries the door, but it's locked. She's about to pick it.) DIXON: Sydney, you've got company. Two guards coming on your left. (Sydney hides behind a partition until someone comes out and opens the door she was just trying to pick. The open door hides her from the view of the guards. Once they keep walking, Sydney ducks inside the room and goes in. She looks around and takes out her camera. A whistle blows from down below but with the help of the glass window in the viewing room, Sydney can see a makeshift classroom is set up with little children, maybe six-years-old, assembling a gun with blindfolds on.) SLOANE: (voice over) Sixteen Next Generation weapons... (Sydney starts taking pictures of the kids assembling the weapon. She takes pictures of the grey-haired instructor, walking down the aisles, observing the kids. Suddenly, he blows his whistle -- time's up. The kids point the guns to the ceiling and click the trigger.) (Dr. Kerr, Vaughn and Sydney walk through the CIA together.) KERR: We had no idea that the sixteen Next Generation weapons would turn out to be children. SYDNEY: They were being trained as sleeper agents? KERR: That appears to be the case. See, the best spies have certain traits -- proficiency with numbers, three dimensional thinking, creative problem solving -- these abilities are all in evidence as early as five years old. This is footage that we downloaded from the triad computer. (Footage of the kids in the classroom, assembling weapons.) VAUGHN: Every first grader in the European union takes a standardized test. A few years ago, the triad acquired the company doing the testing and added a series of questions designed to locate children with these traits. This year, twenty-eight children were indicated. Their parents were sent letters inviting them to participate in a month-long achievement program. Sixteen accepted. KERR: Six-year-olds acquire knowledge at an incredible rate, so the basic skills of marksmanship, linguistics, visual, verbal cue recognition, it can all be taught in a matter of weeks. (The gray-haired instructor is on the screen, monitoring the kids.) SYDNEY: Who's he? VAUGHN: We're still working on that. SYDNEY: So what happens to these kids at the end of the month? VAUGHN: Triad sends them home with the intent that when they're grown they will contact these kids and send them out to the field. KERR: There was a rumour that the KGB began developing a smiliar program back in the '80s, but we never confirmed it. SYDNEY: Before these kids are sent home, their memories are reset? KERR: Yeah. That's right. They remember nothing except that it was extremely satisfying. (The screen zooms in on a child assembling a gun puzzle.) (In Sloane's office, Jack sits in front of the desk. Sloane takes a drink. He pulls out a Xeroxed sheet of paper from a file folder and slides it across to Jack.) SLOANE: Someone forged my wife's name in the registry at her favorite bed and breakfast... weeks after her death. My concern is that it's intended to be a message. JACK: You have enemies, Arvin. Clearly, one of them is trying to leverage your grief. (He slides the paper back to Sloane.) SLOANE: It's not my grief. It's my guilt. Cancer didn't kill Emily, Jack. Emily's doctor told us that her cancer was in remission. That very day the Alliance told me that I was being considered for partner, but that there was a problem. Somehow, Emily had learned that... well, she learned about my association with SD-6. She didn't know the truth, in fact, she assumed the lie. That we're a branch of the CIA. Despite that, the Alliance decided to make my promotion contingent on Emily's death. My choice was an easy one. I wasn't about to kill my wife. Emily was not a bargaining chip. Then I talked to her doctor and I was persuaded that despite the temporary remission, that Emily's lymphoma would return and that it would slowly and painfully kill her. She had already suffered so much, Jack. The thought of her succumbing to this merciless illness or being killed by the Alliance... So, I dissolved sodium morphate in a glass of red wine. The wine put her to sleep, the sodium morphate then caused a heart attack. She didn't suffer. JACK: I will find out who's doing this. (He gets to leave.) SLOANE: Jack? (He stops and turns.) SLOANE: See who else was being considered for partnership. I was given a seat at that table. That means someone else was not. (In a park on a sunny afternoon, Sydney and Will have a picnic lunch on a park bench. Sydney eats a carrot stick.) WILL: I have this new friend on my work detail, Tommy Marijuana. We call him that because there's Tommy Marijuana and there's Tommy Crystal Meth. Tommy Marijuana thinks that we're always the person that we were in the sixth grade. SYDNEY: Sixth grade was an awkward phase for me. WILL: Oh, come on. You, awkward? SYDNEY: Yeah. Big teeth and little eyes. And I always was a foot taller than everyone else so I sort of hunched over. WILL: I wish I could have seen that. When I was in sixth grade, I was sort of anonymous. You know, you had the smart kid, and the funny kid, and the good athlete. And I was just Will. (They both smile and look down.) SYDNEY: They're putting my mom on trial. They're going to ask for the death penalty. And the only way I'm able to deal with this is to tell myself that that woman was never really my mother. The irony is since she's been back, my father and I are closer than we've ever been. (Will smiles. Sydney's pager beeps.) SYDNEY: It's Vaughn. I have to go. (Will rubs her shoulder and they start packing up their food.) (CIA. Vaughn walks by an agent who's sitting down at his computer.) AGENT: Hey, Vaughn, the guy with the semtex -- de Souza -- are we supposed to be looking into that? VAUGHN: Excuse me? AGENT: I was just wondering, is that our case or were you pursuing it independently? VAUGHN: I don't know what you're talking about. (The agent grabs a sheet of paper from his tray and shows Vaughn.) AGENT: Daily situation report says the guy was here on a transfer order. You're listed as visiting him. (Vaughn looks up just in time to see Jack get the report handed to him.) AGENT: Vaughn? (Jack looks at Vaughn. He knows that he knows and they both know that Sydney doesn't know. Just then, Sydney walks in.) VAUGHN: No, it's not our case. (Sydney walks towards Vaughn but Jack walks up to her.) JACK: Hello, Sydney. SYDNEY: Dad, hi. JACK: Agent Vaughn contacted you? SYDNEY: Yeah. Have we identified the man from Budapest with the children? VAUGHN: Yes. Valerie Kholokov. SYDNEY: It's Kholokov? VAUGHN: You've heard of him? SYDNEY: Yeah, he used to run KGB's psych ops division. Mind control experiments, psychoactive drugs. I thought he was dead. VAUGHN: Well, so did we. But apparently, after the KGB dissolved he went over to the triad. A facial recognition scanner at the airport in Buenos Aires indentified him yesteday. SYDNEY: What's he doing in Buenos Aires? JACK: He has a house there. The project in Budapest is complete. A team is raiding that facility as we speak. VAUGHN: The children have all returned home and we have surveillance teams monitoring each of them. If the triad ever makes contact, we'll intercede. SYDNEY: We'll need to grab Kholokov, see how many other kids he's done this to. Who they are, where they are. VAUGHN: There's a team prepping now. SYDNEY: Good. I want to go with them. JACK: No. Sending you to Buenos Aires would be an unnecessary risk. Kholokov has a private security detail, external and internal alarm systems-- SYDNEY: Dad, when I signed up with SD-6, I wanted to join. When I found out the truth, I mean--these kids... I know what it's like to be used. I'm going to Buenos Aires. VAUGHN: Team leaves in twelve hours. SYDNEY: Okay. Anything else? (Vaughn looks at Jack with a cocky look on his face.) JACK: That's all. SYDNEY: I'm going to pack. (She leaves.) VAUGHN: I saw de Souza. He told me that you hired him to rig those explosives. JACK: Irina Derevko would eagerly destroy all of our lives. VAUGHN: I'm not a big fan, either. It still doesn't justify what you did. JACK: You do good work, Agent Vaughn. But your consistent shortcoming -- you should know this -- is your naive sense of morality. Evil must be eliminated by whatever means necessary. VAUGHN: I don't think Sydney would agree with that. JACK: Sydney will never know about what I've done. VAUGHN: You betrayed her trust. I won't. Now, she should hear it from you, but if you don't tell her, I promise you, I will. (Vaughn walks away.) (Opera plays as Sloane takes a shower. He steps out and wraps a towel around his waist while standing in front of the mirror. Sloane sees something. He whips around and sees a glass of red wine sitting on the counter behind him. He opens the bathroom door and four or five screens on his wall all show static. He dials the phone.) VOICE: Yes, sir? SLOANE: Why is my security system disabled? VOICE: It was disengaged on site, sir, ten minutes ago. I'll put the system back online, sir. Sir? Is everything okay? (Sloane looks at all the surveillance screens. Just sees himself.) (Buenos Aires. At the compound of Kholokov, Sydney and various other agents prep in the trees. Sydney shoots one of the guards and he falls to the ground.) SYDNEY: I'm going in. The guard's been sedated. AGENT: Copy that, Mountaineer. (Sydney takes out her infrared binoculars to see if there's any more. She goes around the bushes, gets closer to the building. She takes out a folding platform from her knapsack and hits a button on it. She stands on the platform and is vaulted onto the top of the building. She shoots a guard with a tranq. Sydney looks around and lenas over the railing to see Kholokov swimming in his pool down below. He gets out of the pool and goes inside.) SYDNEY: I make four guards in the courtyard, Kholokov just went inside. Get into position, I'm heading to the juncture box. (Sydney reaches the box.) SYDNEY: You take the guards, I got Kholokov. On my signal, and that's in 3... 2... 1. Go! (She takes out the power. The agents and the guards exchange fire back and forth while Sydney slips inside Kholokov's house. It's dark, so she can barely see. She hears someone running and turns around to see Kholokov running behind her. She tackles him, he kicks her. Sydney and Kholokov both stand up, but Kholokov is brandishing a stun gun in one hand. He hits her with it once and speaks Russian menacingly. He takes another dive at her but Sydney ducks and throws him in a nearby fountain/pool. He flops around with the stun gun in the water. Sydney pants as the agents come in.) AGENT: You good? SYDNEY: Yes. It's him, it's Kholokov. AGENT: Nice job. (They escort him out. Sydney spots a sample gun puzzle sitting on a table nearby. Sydney looks at the disassembled pieces. In seconds, she puts it all together.) (Back in Los Angeles, Sydney is in Dr. Kerr's office.) KERR: You want me to hypnotize you? SYDNEY: I want you to take me back to whenever it was when I first saw the puzzle. KERR: But you say you don't remember ever seeing that puzzle. SYDNEY: I must have. KERR: Agent Bristow, I've seen your profile. Your spatial intelligence is stellar. It's no surprise that you can solve the puzzle. SYDNEY: But I wasn't solving it. When I was standing there, staring at the puzzle, it was like I remembered where every piece belonged. There wasn't any thought involved. You said the KGB developed a similar project, it's possible that my mother new the techniques and maybe she-- KERR: Agent Bristow... if you are looking to uncover a trauma then I need to warn you. Hypnotic regression can trigger severe nightmares, flashbacks, acute depression-- SYDNEY: Understand to do what I do, maintain my cover at SD-6, I compartmentalize a lot. But the idea that I might have been programmed to be a spy, I can't tuck that away. I need to know what happened to me. (A tech expert enters Sloane's office and looks around hesitantly. Sloane is watching surveillance video.) TECH: Uh, excuse me, sir, I analyzed the wine. Is this a good time? (Sloane doesn't say anything. He walks to his desk and sits down.) TECH: There's no fingerprints on the glass. The wine is a '99 Hadley Cabernet Franc, unremarkable vintage. What is remarkable is what I extracted from inside the wine. I was so surprised I redid the test but I'm certain. It's VTX, a calcium-based anitdote. Extremely scarce. SLOANE: Antidote to what? TECH: Uh, mainly heart attack inducing toxins. Kertotic acid, um, sodium morphate. VTX simulates death, it slows the lungs, nearly stops the heart, which is how it prevents the poisons from causing cardiac arrest. And then the VTX is, uh, is metabolized. The, uh, body, it returns to normal. SLOANE: So if someone who was poisoned by sodium morphate were given VTX they would appear to die. TECH: Yes, sir. Well, assuming they had no other heart conditions, in eight to twelve hours, then they would be just fine. (Kerr's office. Sydney sits in a chair with electrodes on her head. Kerr sits nearby.) KERR: I'm going to count back from three. When I get to one, I want you to tell me where you are. 3... 2... 1. (Sydney opens her eyes. We are taken inside her mind and see what she's seeing. Present Sydney climbs the stairs of a house and sees Little Sydney - age six - coloring in her book on her bed.) SYDNEY: It's me... in my room. When I was little. (Sydney watches herself, standing in the doorway. In the office, a tear rolls down her cheek.) KERR: Tell me if you see anything that resembles the puzzle we're looking for. (Little Sydney goes down some stairs and stops.) JACK: (off screen) I'm taking care of Christmas... that'll be soon. Christmas is all set... (Little Sydney hears. Present Sydney, in the dream, sees a copy of that puzzle sitting on a desk.) SYDNEY: Yes. I see it. KERR: Nothing can happen to you now, Sydney. You're safe. (Sydney cries in her chair, whimpering a little.) KERR: Sydney, I want you to listen to me. Just breathe. Breathe. Focus on the puzzle. Focus on the puzzle. (Little Sydney is putting the puzzle together.) KERR: Good, Sydney. Very good. (Little Sydney now has a gun in her hand and loads it.) KERR: Look around you, tell me who else is in the room. (Little Sydney looks up. An arm comes around her and takes the gun from her.) YOUNGER JACK: Good work, Sydney. (Sydney wakes up, gasping. She wipes at her tear streaked face.) (Outside at a meeting point, Sydney stands in the rain. Jack's car pulls up.) JACK: Sydney, get in! (She doesn't move. Jack gets out of his car and approaches.) JACK: What is it? SYDNEY: I have this memory when I was six years old. My mother had just died in a car accident. I felt so scared. You were never home, so who was going to take care of me? Then I overheard you talking. You were in your study on the phone. You were talking about Christmas, about me. You were taking care of my Christmas presents. Suddenly, I-I felt so safe. You were taking care of me. That memory's a lie. You weren't talking about that at all. JACK: Sydney. SYDNEY: I've seen the footage. Mom's briefing with her KGB handler. She was sent here for one specific purpose, to steal information from you about a project you were developing for the CIA. An operation to train children to be American spies. Project Christmas. Ever since Mom came back, you were afraid she'd figure out what you did to me. You weren't trying to protect me from her, you were trying to protect your secret. So the first opportunity you had, you set her up... in Madagascar. JACK: Sydney, understand something-- SYDNEY: No, Dad, you understand something. You took away my choices in life. You programmed me to be a spy. I will never forgive you for this. (Sydney walks away in the rain, by herself.) (Wet and soggy, with mascara running down her face, Sydney walks into the CIA joint offices. She stops. Vaughn is sitting in a chair in front of a computer, and idly looks around. He sees her and immediately gets up. They walk to each other. He hugs her. Sydney starts to sob on his shoulder. Vaughn keeps hugging her as she cries.)	Plan: A: Sydney; Q: Who discovers a terrifying secret when she's sent on a case to track down a new generation of weapons? A: Vaughn; Q: Who suspects Jack of setting up Irina to take a fall? A: Sloane; Q: Who tells Jack the truth about Emily's death? Summary: Sydney discovers a terrifying secret when she's sent on a case to track down a new generation of weapons. Meanwhile, Vaughn suspects Jack of setting up Irina to take a fall. Sloane tells Jack the truth about Emily's death.

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