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"High Risk Behavior" CAST Dawson: James Van Der Beek Joey: Katie Holmes Pacey: Joshua Jackson Jen: Michelle Williams Andie: Meredith Monroe ALSO STARRING Gail: Mary-Margaret Humes Mitch: John Wesely Shipp Grams: Mary Beth Piel Bessie: Nina Repeta Abby: Monica Kenna Dawson's room: Focus on Pacey's face, which is staring intensely at someone...unseen at the moment. Pacey: I can't believe you're saying this. I mean, after all these years of hiding behind high-brow analytical posturing. Cut to Dawson's face. Intense as Pacey's. Dawson: I'm saying it. pause I love you. I know it's nonsensical. Pacey: Nonsensical? It's insane. We've known each other for 15 years and you couldn't find another time to freudian-slip this cat out of the bag?! Dawson: with complete honesty I've wanted to! So many times. You have no idea how long I've been wrestling internally with the psychological repercussions of my feelings. Pacey: stares down as if he's overwhelmed I need time to process this. I mean, my electrical synapses are on overload here. My brain is telling me one thing but my heart, it says another. It's telling me that I should consider the unequivical, highly irrational, possibly damaging, proposition...with deep feeling, looking into Dawson's eyes of loving you back. Dawson: Wait. leans in like he's going to kiss Pacey but quickly turns and reaches for some papers on his bed glancing over them You missed a line. You forgot 'hypnotically scarred'. Pacey: So if you want it done right, then you get an actor. I'm not exactly comfortable playing the girl here. Dawson: So what do you think? Think it would make a good movie? Pacey: You're writing too many syllables. I mean, what's with all the psychobabble insight? How many teenagers do you know that talk like that? Dawson: Grumbles, aside, do you think it would make a good movie? Pacey: Yeah...thinking..yeah..however, you did make Joey a little on the angry side, even for her. Dawson: It's not Joey. Pacey: Right. sarcastic That's not Joey, the guy's not you, and you're not disecting you two's relationship on the page just like every other narcissistic writer through history. Dawson: sighs Just tell me what you think. Pacey: I think it's dark. It's obtuse. It's very un-Dawson Leery. Dawson: Thank you. he gets up from his chair by the bed and walks over by his desk This is the first time I've been able to write something that's not just plot-driven but emotionally driven. Pacey: Congratulations. Revolving as an artist. Dawson: It's about time I took some risks, you know? Ride the edge a little. Pacey: Well, if that's the case, I do have one note. Dawson: hesitantly looks over at Pacey Which is? Pacey: I mean, why don't they have sx? I know you and Joey never did in real life but this is a film. You can write it any way you want. You know? Take the risky plunge. Dawson: Ah-ha! See, I have. Pacey looks skeptical.* Dawson: (cont.) How many movies have you seen where a bunch of horny teenagers just...go at it like rabbits? I mean, that's the safe choice. Pacey laughs. Dawson: The riskier, edgier choice is to have them not do it. Pacey: Only you take your virginal insecurities and fear of deflowerment and turn them into "risky, edgy behavior." Dawson: Oh yeah, I have no problem being a virgin, alright? I'm sorry if my confidence in my convictions is discombobulates you. Pacey stares out in bewilderment. Pacey: Dis-com-bob-u-late. How many syllables is that? Dawson throws his script at Pacey Cut to Capeside High's frontyard. OVERVOICE OF JEN: Hey. We're holding auditions for a movie today. Hope you can make it. Cut to Dawson coming out holding a stack of papers heading towards...Jen. Dawson: Hey! Jen: Hey, you! Dawson: So how's interest? Are we going to have a turnout? Jen: Um, as a first-time producer...my instincts tell me that we're going to have a huge turn-out, Dawson. Dawson smiles Jen hands a guy a flier Jen: to the guy Hey, we're having auditions for a movie today. Come on by, alright? Dawson: You're such a natural. You're so good at this. Jen: laughs Well, thanks. Don't expect too much. I mean, I'm no Joey. Dawson: Well, hey, she had no experience either when she first started. You're going to be good. I have the up-most confidence in you. Jen: Well, thank you. Mr. Writer/Director. Dawson: laughs pointing at a guy Hey, be sure to give a flier to James Lowing, he'd be perfect for the lead. Jen: Ew. Dawson: Ew? Jen, he's like the classic, leading guy. He's kind, he's funny...he's self-effacing, he's Jimmy Stewart meets Tom Hanks. Jen: Yeah, and about as sexy as a bucket, Dawson. Dawson: Alright.. Jen: pointing to a dark-haired man with a mustache Now, Dave Fachelli, that's the leading man. Dawson: Excuse me? Jen: Yeah, he's like dark and brooding and Ray Liotta... Dawson: Sewer rat. I don't get it...no way. Jen: I'm just saying he's got a certain...appeal. Dawson: So? Jen: I mean, people don't always go to the movies to see their kind, sweet next-door neighbor. They go to see that slightly dangerous guy that they desperately want to sleep with but never will in real life. Sexy will always win out over nice. pause I'm just saying everyone casts Tom Hanks, you know? Try and make the less obvious choice. turning to another person with a flier Hey, movie auditions today. She walks off. Cut to Pacey entering the halls of Capeside High. He heads straight for Andie and holds a sheet in front of her. Pacey: clears throat Andie: Hey! reading the paper What's this? Pacey: The results of Pacey Witter's HIV test. Andie: You got tested? Pacey: You told me to. Andie: But you argued with me. Pacey: Andie, I always argue with you. It doesn't mean I don't listen. Andie: And...? Pacey: And it's negative! Which is positive in my book. Andie: Congratulations. I'm proud of you. Getting tested was...very responsible of you. Just don't think that now that we got tested we're going to....you know. Pacey: acting clueless What? Andie: frustrated You know... Pacey: No, I have no idea what you're talking about. Andie: Okay, uhm, you know, we haven't been very, uhm, lowers her voice physical, or anything and I'm not opposed to us becoming more...lowers again intimate, but I just want you to know that everything has a perfect place and time. Pacey: I didn't get tested to engage in uninhibited scrumping with you. I got tested for me. I don't want to jump in the sack with you. Andie: Oh. Why not, exactly? Do you not find me attractive? Pacey: Of course I find you attractive, Andie. Andie: But you don't want to? Pacey: Do you want to? Andie: Well, I asked you. Pacey: Well, I'm asking you back. Andie: You first. Pacey: I'd like to scrump with you any day of the week, okay? But we've got all the time in the world. There's no need to rush anything. Andie: Okay, I hear you and I concur. Pacey: Good. Andie: Good....but if it were the right time and place, you would want to, right? Pacey: Oh, hell yes! Andie: Alright. 'Til then. Pacey: Until.. Cut to Dawson handing out fliers by a picnic table where Joey is sitting at drawing. Dawson: Hey. Joey: Hey. Dawson: holding fliers Movie auditions. Joey: motioning to drawing Art class. Dawson: notices her drawing of a man..naked. I see you've graduated from fruit bowls. Joey: We're doing life-sketching...nude models...so..we're supposed to see the human form, a mass of lines and shadows. Dawson: Really? Joey: I'm working on it. Dawson: And he does poses for you? Joey: Yeah. Dawson: Don't you find that uncomfortable? Just sitting in a room with some guy completely in the buff right in front of you? Joey: No.. Dawson: Does he like talk or anything? Joey: Oh, yeah. He sings, tells jokes, does a little softshoe. No, he doesn't talk, Dawson. He's a model. He sits there. He just takes breaks every now and then. Dawson: And Little Joey Potter doesn't blush? Joey: No. Dawson: Not even a little? Joey: Maybe a little... Dawson: raises eyebrows Just a little? Joey: knowing he's figured her out Okay, I've broken 12 pencils Dawson laughs Joey: BUT it's getting better. You'd be surprised, Dawson. I'm changing. I'm not Little Joey Potter anymore. Dawson: No, you're certainly not. Cut to Joey looking off in a distance to...Jen handing a flier to Chris. Jen: Auditions...come please... Back to Joey and Dawson. Joey: Jen's your producer? looking slightly irritated Dawson: Yeah...yeah, you're busy. Joey: looking at her art So what's your movie about? Dawson: hesitates. Um, young boy...comes of age...in a small town... Joey nods Joey: Well, good luck with it, Dawson. Dawson: Thank you, thank you! Gotta go! Time is money. Dawson takes off as Joey stares after him. Cut to inside the halls. Chris walks up to Abby. Chris: Hey! Are you going to audition for Dawson's movie? Abby: Participate in Dawson Leery's lame home video project? Doubtful. Why? Are you? Chris: I was thinking about it. I got the audition piece so I was looking through it. He's got financing. He's going to do the festival circuit. It would be an opportunity for some Hollywood-type exposure. Abby: Yeah, right! Are you have delusions of Brad Pitt-itis? Chris: I think I would make a good actor, actually. And actors get action, and I foresee a non-stop party. I was thinking maybe you and I could read together. Abby: You and me? Chris: Yeah, c'mon! We'd have some serious chemistry. Come on. Audition with me. Abby: Celebrate(?) elsewhere. I couldn't be less interested. She walks into the girl's bathroom. Cut to Joey back at her picnic table, Jack walks up behind her with a shake, looking at her drawing. Jack: Wow! Joey turns quickly noticing him then covers up her drawing. Joey: Don't look. Jack: Come on, I've seen a naked guy before, Joey. Joey: Yeah, but not drawn with the talent of a second grader, trust me. Jack: C'mon. Joey still covers it up. he starts tickling her Let me see it! Let me see it! Joey: Nooo. Jack looks at it. Jack: Wow. It's a good use of light and dark, especially around the side. I mean, it's very dramatic. Shading is excellent. Joey: in disbelief Really? Jack: Yeah. Lines are strong. Uh, everything seems to be in...proportion. Uh, you did a real nice job reaching up to point, he accidentily knocks his shake all over Joey's drawing, ruining it. Jack: Joey! Oh God! I'm sorry, Joey! I'm sorry! I'm sorry. Joey: I gotta go. She grabs her ruined drawing and leaves Cut to auditions, a girl with long red hair and huge eyes is auditioning. She is wayyy over-acting. Girl: I can't believe you're saying this. After all these years of high brow, analytical posturing. Cut to a football player with red hair, auditioning with no acting talent whatsoever. Guy: I love you....I know it's nonsensical. Cut to a blonde cheerleader reading the script really ditzy-like and it looks like she's chewing gum. Girl: Nonsensical? It's insane! We've known each other for 15 years. Cut to a shot of Dawson and Jen looking irritated and tired. Girl: (cont.) Somewhere in there you couldn't find the time to voice fades out.. Cut to a curly-haired guy auditioning with glasses, putting way too much feeling into it. Guy: I've wanted to. So many times. But you have no idea how long I've wrestled internally with the psychological repercussions... Cut to a blond pierced guy just standing there not saying anything. Then cut to a girl crying, putting too much emotion into her role. More frustrated shots of Dawson and Jen. A girl with glasses just stares out blankly then widens her eyes. OVERVOICE (Football guy from earlier): You have no idea how long I've been wrestling internally with the psychological reproductions. Cut to Dawson and Jen. Dawson is looking at Jen in disbelief. Back to stage where Football Guy and Cheerleader are reading together. Cheerleader: But my heart says something different. That I should consider the unequivical, possibly damaging her voice turns into an overvoice as you see another girl laughing at the script and a guy coughing during his audition, then it cuts back to them. highly irritional, hypnotically scarring, proposition of loving you back. She looks at the football guy chewing her gum like a ditz. Guy: long pause Cool. Cut to an extremely frustrated Dawson and Jen. Cut to Capeside High where we're at Joey's locker when Jack walks up. Jack: Listen, I'm sorry. Uh, can you save it? Joey looks at him and reaches into her locker and pulls out a picture that justs looks like a blur of charcoal on it. Jack: Oh, God. I'm sorry. Look, can I do anything? What? Joey: There's nothing you can do, Jack. It's due Thursday. I'm already the youngest and least experienced in the class and now I'm going to show up with an incomplete assignment. Jack: Can you redraw it? Joey: Not from memory. I mean, this is a nude man, Jack. I can't just recall it from thin air. pulling out drawing and looking at it The pose, the composition, the light, the shadows.You can't just recreate that. Jack: Um thinking, let me pose for ya. Joey: What? Jack: Yeah, no, I'm serious. Let me pose for you. No big deal. Joey: in disbelief You want to pose for me...naked. Jack: Uh huh...yeah. Joey: slowly putting the drawing back in her locker and shutting it Let me think about that...uh, no. Jack: Okay, uh, what happens if you don't turn it in? Joey: Look, I get an F, not to mention embarressment and feelings of tremendous inadequacy. Jack: Alright, then that's it, I'll pose it for you. Joey: No, you're not. Jack: 'Fraid about seeing me naked? Joey: Ah, the "Joey's a prude" tactic. Clever, but wrong. Jack: Alright, then what is it? Are you scared it might get sexual or something? Joey: Believe it or not, Jack, not every moment with you is sexually charged. Sorry. Jack: Well, then, there should be no problem. C'mon, I feel awful about this and I don't want you to fail your first art project because of me so let me help you. Joey: You're serious, aren't you? Jack: I'm dead serious. I have a huge deal about things like this. So don't feel weird, I don't. Joey: I don't know, Jack. I don't know if this is a good thing for us. Jack: Strictly professional, okay? C'mon, Joey. This is your art. Joey: Well, I guess the male form is just the male form... Jack: Good, it's settled. I'll come by your house tomorrow around 7....Yeah... Jack walks off as Joey looks off after him. Cut to Capeside, a store. Andie is at the pharmacy. Pharmacist: There ya go, Miss. Andie: Thank you. Pharmacist: Be careful with the dosage, I put a pamphlet in there for you. Andie: I'm familiar with the drug, thank you. She turns around to find Pacey. She holds the bag behind her back. Pacey: Hello, McPhee, what's shakin'? Andie: Hey, Pacey! Hi... Pacey: Whatcha got in the bag? Andie: Uh..nothing. He takes it from her and looks in it and takes out the bottle. Andie: Pacey, please. Give it back. He starts reading the bottle. Pacey: 'Andrea McPhee, take two tablets a day, as directed. ZanX, 20mg.' ZanX, um, that's for severe depression and anxiety, right? It's like Prozac so... Andie: Uh, it's my mom's. We have the same first name. Andrea. Pacey remembers and regrets mentioning it. Pacey: Yeah..yeah.. Andie: Please, Pacey, she's getting better. Pacey: I'm really sorry. I didn't know. Andie: It's okay. Pacey: You're such a good daughter. Andie: What are you doin' here? Pacey: Nothing, um, just picking up some stuff. Andie: In the, uh, condom section? Pacey: fake laughs I had no idea! Andie makes a 'yeah right' face. Pacey: How odd. You don't think this is a sign, do you? Like the love gods are trying to help us out.. Andie: No, I think that would be you. Pacey: I'm just engaging in a little innuendo hoping that someday it will lead to something a little more tangible. Andie: Hey, I'm all for discovery the...physical side of Pacey Witter, I just don't know that I'm entirely prepared yet. Pacey: Well, hey handing her condoms, be prepared. Andie: Hey. Designed for that woman's extra pleasure. Yeah...how would they know? Pacey: Maybe they're designed by women. Andie: Oh. Good point. So, uh, should we get some? Pacey: surprised What? Andie: Well, you're right. We should be prepared. In case that mood strikes and we'll be ready. Pacey: Are you being serious? Andie: Yeah, we might as well have them on stand by. I mean, we can be adults about this.. Pacey: You're serious. [SCENE_BREAK] Cut to Abby and Chris auditioning. Abby: Isn't there anyone else I can read with? Dawson: Abby, we're short on time. If you could just start on page 3, that'd be great. Chris: Sure, Dawson, but can I just ask a quick question? Dawson: What is it, Chris? Chris: I just...I don't understand why they don't ever do it. I mean, you have all the hot foreplay stuff, but they never hook up. Dawson: Right. Well, your character believes that sometimes true love goes behind that that's merely physical. Chris: See, yeah, that's just the part I don't get. Abby: Yeah, Dawson, I think you should rethink that part. It's a little petty. Jen: Okay, you know what, guys? Why don't we just keep moving? Chris: I've wanted to. So many times. You have no idea how long I've wrestled with the psychological repercussions of my feelings. Abby: I need some time to process here. My electrocal synapses are on overload. My brain says one thing but my heart says something else. That I should consider the unequivical, possibly damaging, highly irrational, hypnotically scarring, proposition of loving you back. Chris: Wait. He pulls Abby in for a deep kiss and she struggles and pulls away. Abby: What the hell was that you loveneck freak?! Chris: A kiss. It was in the script. Abby: That was your tongue in my mouth. Chris: Sorry, I was just getting into the role. Abby: You were trying to get into my pants. God, I'm going to be sick. She rushes out and Chris stands there before taking a bow. Chris: Shall I continue? Jen: That'll be all, thank you. Cut to Pacey and Andie walking out of the store Andie: I've put lots of fantasy thought into this, and I want my first time to be special. You know, the perfect evening. Like, dinner at a French restaurant, a romantic after-dinner stroll by the dock, and then onto a nice historic bed and breakfast. Pacey: A bed and breakfast? Andie: It's my fantasy, go with it. Lavender candles...and, uh, Sinatra, or somebody equally as old-style and romantic. Pacey: Ok. Schedule in bathroom breaks, or does the poor guy have to hold it all evening? Andie: Ok, I'm sorry, but deciding to lose my virginity is a huge deal, ok? I mean, I didn't hold onto it for 16 years just to lose it in one drunk fleeting moment in some skanky back seat of a late model american car, ok? Pacey: Damn! Somebody's leaking all my best lovemaking secrets. Andie: It's just that... I'm going to remember this for the rest of my life, and I just think that if we put a little planning into it, to ensure that it's worth remembering, it would be really nice. Pacey: I know how important the first time is. Believe me, of all people, I know. And I know with my tainted past, I might not be the most likely of candidates, but if and when you do decide it's the right time for you, I'd really like to be the one that helps to make it a memorable evening. Andie: Well, when you talk like that, it makes me want to jump you. Pacey: Oh, really? Andie: Yes. Cut to the place where auditions for Dawson's movie were. Dawson: It's just so frustrating to have this dream of making this movie, and actually get the money to make the movie, and then realizing that it still might not happen. Jen: Just like in the script. Dawson: What do you mean? Jen: I mean, you and Joey. You're in love with her for 15 years, and then when you're just about to have her, you lose her. Tragic. Dawson: The script is not about Joey. Jen: Dawson, give me a break. It reads like an autobiography. It's funny. I thought that... We had something, too, but... even with my flair for the dramatic, my role has been reduced to the first act. Dawson: Jen, you were important to me. You know that. Jen: Was I? Dawson: Absolutely. More than you know. Jen: Then I, I want to ask you something, Dawson. Since we're friends and all, um... what did you like about me? Dawson: What did I like about you? We have fun together... you know... I mean, you...you open me up to stuff. Skinny-dipping didn't suck. You know, you were... you were sexy. Jen: Were? Dawson: Are. Are. Jen: You know, I think that Chris and Abby are right about your script. I think that the 2 young lovers should do it. Dawson: standing up frustrated It's about romance, not sx. Jen: Who says that sx can't be romantic, Dawson? Come on. I mean, look at your target audience. Dawson: I wanted to make the less obvious choice. Jen: That's funny when you think about it. Dawson: What? Jen: Just that, if you hadn't gone for such an obvious choice of girl, maybe the ending to your script would have been a little less obvious. Dawson thinks as we cut to Joey's house as she sets out her art stuff. Jack: I'm coming out. he stands as she doesn't look at him Um... Jack McPhee reporting for duty. Where--where do you want me? Joey: still not looking at him Um, you could, uh, sit on the couch or, or the chair. Or you could stand, or I could move. Jack: Uh, why don't I just take the couch? Joey: Ok. Jack: You know, Joey, if--if you're uncomfortable at all, I--I can, you know, keep the towel on for a while, Just until we get loosened up. You know, you can kind of sketch around... it. Joey: Jack, I'm fine. You know, whatever. Jack: Uh, ok. He starts taking the towel off Joey: You know what? You're probably right. Maybe--maybe the towel is a good idea. I mean, it'll give me a chance to concentrate on the... the top part. Jack puts it back on and lays on the couch Jack: Oh, deja vu. This is just like that scene from Titanic. He laughs Joey: Oh, right. Yeah. Except I'm Jack and... you're Rose. Jack: Role reversal. I like it. he notices her nervousness Look, Joey, if you're not gonna make it, we can stop this at any time. Joey: You know, um... maybe if we just didn't talk. Um, the model in class kinda just sat and stared out the window. And, you know, since we are just... starting to get to know each other, I just... I'll admit it has made me slightly uncomfortable. Jack: Well...just imagine how comfortable we're gonna be around each other after tonight. She stares at her just started drawing and stops. Joey: You know, Jack, um... I can't do this. You know, I just don't think this is a good idea. I mean, I tried to be adult about this, and not behave like little Joey Potter, but the truth is, you know, I'm really not that experienced with... Um, a lot of things. And I really don't think I could handle seeing you naked right now, so if you could probably just get dressed and go home, that would... Jack: What about your sketch? Joey: Yeah, I'll figure out some way to fudge it. Jack: Are you sure? Joey: Yes, I'm sure! She accidentily knocks her easel over and Jack gets up to catch it and his towel falls off. Joey stares at 'it' for a second then looks away. Jack: Well, um... might as well stay now. Joey: Um timelapse Jack: So, uh...how's it look? Joey: thinking he's referring to something else "It"? noticing what he's referring to Oh, it's coming along fine. I'm sorry. Jack: And how you doing? Joey: Surprisingly well. You know, no sign of heart failure, so... it's actually...it's ok. It feels kind of... Jack: Natural? Joey: Um...sort of. It's more like an accomplishment. I know, this is something that most people would just assume that Joey could not do. Jack: Why is that? Joey: I mean, you see how I live. I don't get out much, and... I guess my life just seems kind of plain sometimes. Jack: Does that bother you? Joey: Um...yeah, sometimes. A good thing that I've discovered about this whole art thing is that it allows me to take chances, you know? I mean, this here is risky. Art is risky 'cause...you know, every time I draw or paint or take a class, I just... I feel like I'm doing something special. You know, just for me. Does that make sense? Jack: It feels dangerous. Joey: Yeah. Yeah. Why is that? Jack: Art is about a world of uncertainty, And that makes it scary. Joey: And what scares you? Jack: sx. Cut to Jen seeing Dawson out walking the docks. She goes out to join him. Cut to Pacey and Andie eating in a restaurant. Cut back to Jack and Joey* Joey: First time anxiety? Jack: Oh, no, no! I'm not a virgin. Joey: slightly disappointed Oh. So, um... have you done it a lot? Jack: Well, I've done it a total of, uh...once. CUT TO Jen and Dawson. Dawson: All I know is I'm really lucky to have you for a friend. I never could have gotten through those horrifically epic auditions today. Jen: It's my job. Dawson: No, that's above and beyond the call of duty. You must have heard those lines read so many times you have the whole thing committed to memory. Jen: Well, the good thing is, if you get really desperate, I could always play your leading lady. Dawson: Maybe you should have. Jen: Should have what? Dawson: Been my leading lady. Jen: You think? Dawson: Sometimes. Too much of the time. Cut to Jack and Joey Joey: Was it scary? Jack: Yeah. Joey: Don't feel bad. I mean, I haven't done it at all, and it terrifies me from afar, so... Jack: You know, it's not just that it was scary. I mean, that was part of it, but...I don't know, it's...it's hard to describe. You know, I'm not really that good at expressing myself. You know, I...I guess you found my...social flaw. Joey: Could you try? Cut back to Jen and Dawson Jen: I know you've got this notion that if you-- if you don't let your characters act on their desires, then you're making a stronger, riskier choice, but that's not real life. Dawson: But it's so obvious. I mean that... the story is much stronger if the characters resist their lust. Jen: But it's not real. True love is always fueled by lust, and people who care that much about each other will sooner or later end up having sx. Even people who don't care that much. And besides, this is 1998. sx is always a risky choice. I just don't happen to believe that it's an obvious one. I think that intent and motive is what makes sx so interesting, Dawson. I mean, why do 2 people have sx? Ok, uh, so they're in love. That's obvious. Who cares? But they're in lust. Slightly more interesting. They're hurting over someone. They're in pain. Trying to forget someone. They're in denial. They're looking for a distraction. All of a sudden, sx has just become very interesting and not the obvious choice at all. Maybe you should think about a rewrite, Dawson. You've still got time. Cut back to Jack and Joey* Jack: Really? You--you want to know? Joey: Yeah. I mean, not the gory details. Just...the feeling of it. Maybe you could describe it as if it were art. Jack: Well...at first, it's all a jumble of emotions. Uh, it's hard to pinpoint. It's--it's kind of like expressionistic painting. But, you know, if you get comfortable with it, it's--it's like the first time you see Van Gogh's "Starry night". It's the same sky you've always seen, but everything...is different. Bigger. More passionate. The blues, the yellows, the swirling stars. Everything has feeling, movement. Even the colors seem alive. It's like...lying on Monet's water lilies. It's the warmth of a Georgia o'Keefe flower wrapped around you... feeling everything so intensely. It's the power and strength of a Degas dancer, it's the passion of...Munch's "Scream," the-- Phone rings and Jack jumps and stares at Joey. You people know what he had. Cut to Pacey leading a blindfolded Andie into a room. Andie: Where are we? Pacey: Just wait. Andie: Pacey, you're scaring me. Where have you taken me? Pacey: Well, we just ate at Petite la Bistro, then we went for a stroll along the docks. Andie: Blindfolded, I might add. Pacey: So think about it. There's only one place we could be right now, isn't there? Andie: Pacey, if I take off this blindfold and we're standing in a bed and breakfast, you're dead. Pacey: Well...dispose of my remains now. He removes her blindfolded. Andie looks around the room. Andie: Oh, Pacey. God, I don't know whether to be touched or terrified. Pacey: Hey, listen, you know, this night was not designed to reach the verdict of doing it. I just--I wanted to give you your fantasy evening. You know, a French dinner, a stroll along the docks, a bed and breakfast, romantic music. We can save doing it for another time. This is a step-by-step process. For me, too. Andie: Oh, Pacey. Pacey: What? What's wrong? Andie: I...I really want to do this. I mean... I'd be lying if I said I didn't. And...you're really special to me. But, uh, I... I don't--I don't think I'm ready for this right now. I mean, there's so much that's going on that you don't know about, and that I can't even begin to tell you, um, I...I can't do this. I'm sorry, Pacey. He hugs her. Pacey: It's okay. Andie: I can't do this. Pacey: Why? Don't worry. It's no big deal. I told you. We can wait. Honestly... I think I brought you here tonight as much for me as I did for you. I just wanted to give you your fantasy evening, you know, so... please don't be upset with me. You have no idea what you've done for me, just being in my life. I mean, you make me feel like maybe there's hope for my pathetic existence, and I don't have to sleep with you to feel that. I feel it right now, just holding you in my arms. God, I am so lucky. Andie: You know what, Witter? You make me want to do it. They start making out Cut to Dawson in his bedroom at his laptop. He's staring at it then he looks at a picture of Joey and sets it on his table. He deletes his ending. Cut back to Jack and Joey Jack: Listen, I'm really sorry. Joey: Listen, Jack, it's ok, you know, don't worry about it. Stuff happens. Although not usually that kind of stuff And usually not in the Potter living room. Jack: I didn't think it would be such a big deal for me to pose for you. Joey: Yeah, well... Jack: Listen, um... is this gonna screw things up with us? Joey: What do you mean? Jack: Well, I mean, I didn't want to bring sx in this evening, you know. All I wanted to do was help you. uh, I don't want you to think 'cause a...all this stuff...here we go again. Social flaw. Joey: Well, let's be honest with ourselves. Yes, we both came in here with the noblest of intentions. But, you know, at the end of the day, we're both human, and...there's something between us that's...you know, it's a...is your social flaw contagious? Jack: Uh, yeah... God, I was so naive to think that this was a good idea. Joey: No, I take full responsibility for this evening's turn of events. I mean, it's my fault. I asked to hear it. Jack: That's true. Actually, I think it was your fault. They laugh* Joey: It's...it's just that, uh... I don't know. Tonight was a big step in the life of little Joey Potter. She didn't feel so little tonight. I guess I just tried to bite off a tad too much. Jack: Well, you were curious. Joey: Yeah. For all the big words and not wanting to hear the gory details, I guess I'm just wrestling with my hormones like everyone else. Jack: Well, um, you know, if you ever want to, uh, explore your curiosity...I'm available. Joey: First you're a model, now you're a tour guide. Jack: No. I'm just a guy who...finds it really hard not to want to hold you, and touch you, and I didn't really realize that until tonight when it was completely forbidden. Joey: moving closer to himYou have your clothes on now. Jack: You're saying it's not forbidden? Joey: No. I'm just saying it's, um...it's not as scary. Jack: Gee, thanks. She laughs Joey: No, you know what I mean. Jack: I think that, uh, 2 scared people...cancel each other out. Joey: Meaning? Jack: Meaning that tonight was a night of firsts, and there's no reason that it has to stop. They start kissing and it shows a close up of the drawing Joey drew of Jack. Dawson's crawling into Jen's window. Jen: Dawson? Dawson, what are you doing here? Dawson: I've been thinking about what you said about motive and intent. And love vs. hurt vs. lust vs. distraction. Jen: And? He kisses her Dawson: Don't ask my motive. Jen: I know better. They kiss more intensely Cut to Andie and Pacey who are kissing. Pacey pulls away. Andie: What's wrong? Pacey: Uh...you're not gonna believe this. Frankly, I don't really believe it, but... I don't want to do this. Yeah, I said that out loud, right? Andie: You don't want to? Pacey: Uh, no, no, I do. God, do I, but... Andie: So? Pacey: So, for once, Pacey Witter's raging hormones aren't going to do all the talking. And for once, I'm gonna do the right thing and...we're not ready for this, Andie. Andie: B-but I might be ready and... Pacey: Listen, at the risk of sounding like a really cheesy... after school special, when you're really ready, you'll know, and then we'll do this. Then we'll do this till the cows come home. But this thing is way too important for me to just fall back on the old "do now, think later" Pacey Witter approach. You know what the really risky thing for me to do is? It's to not have sx. I mean, maybe that way I'll have some resemblance of a real relationship. So...you take all the time you need, 'cause I'll be here. Andie: There you go again, Pacey. Just making me want to do it even more. They kiss* Pacey: Mmm...it's all part of my evil plan. Andie: Mmm. Pacey: Come on. I'll drive you home. Cut to Joey and Jack kissing on Joey's couch then cut to Jen and Dawson making out on her bed, then cut back to Pacey and Andie exiting the Bed and Breakfast . They hold hands and walk to Pacey's car as "To Be Continued" appears on the screen.	Plan: A: Epic tryouts; Q: What is Dawson's new movie called? A: Jen; Q: Who does Dawson have a steamy dialogue with? A: his love life; Q: What could Jen's role in Dawson's life change? A: Jack; Q: Who poses nude for Joey's art project? A: an intimate moment; Q: What does Jack's nude pose for Joey's art project prompt between the two of them? A: Pacey; Q: Who sets out to give Andie her dream date? A: their night; Q: What does Pacey want to make memorable for Andie? A: her anti-anxiety medication; Q: What does Andie collect and lie to Pacey about? A: her mother; Q: Who does Andie lie to Pacey about taking her anxiety medication for? Summary: Epic tryouts for Dawson's new movie prompt a steamy dialogue between him and Jen that could recast her role in his love life. Jack poses nude for Joey's art project, which prompts an intimate moment between the two of them. Pacey sets out to give Andie her dream date and to make their night truly memorable. Andie collects her anti-anxiety medication and lies to Pacey that it's for her mother.
3.10 - That'll Do, Pig OPEN IN STARS HOLLOW [Lorelai, Rory, and Lane are walking through the center of town] LANE: Are you serious? LORELAI: I am serious. LANE: We can really rehearse in your garage? LORELAI: In exchange for the promise that you never pose naked on the cover of Rolling Stone no matter how much trouble your career is in. LANE: I promise. I love you. Do you know how amazing your mother is? LORELAI: No. Tell her, would ya? She forgot this morning. RORY: Because hot water is enjoyed by all, not just by you. LORELAI: I wasn't in the shower that long. RORY: Man, it's winter carnival time again already. LANE: Yup. RORY: Are you going? LANE: I have to. We are raising money for the marching band this year, mandatory booth manning is involved. LORELAI: Man, Lane marching band, rock band. LANE: Music is my life. LORELAI: Hi Mrs. Kim! LANE: So not funny. RORY: Raising money for the marching band to do what? LORELAI: Please let it be new uniforms. LANE: It's for letters so we can finally have letter carriers. For some reason, the powers that be think that the reason we never win at competitions is because no one knows who we are. The fact that we suck has never occurred to them. What's wrong with our uniforms? LORELAI: Nothing. LANE: We look stupid, right? LORELAI: No. LANE: The plumes are too big, and it looks like big red fountains of blood spurting out of our heads. LORELAI: I love the uniforms. LANE: It's bad enough I have to be in marching band at all without being mocked for what is mandatory for us to wear. LORELAI: No, no, no, I didn't mean, I. . .remind her that she gets to rehearse in our garage cause I think I'm losing points here. RORY: Your uniforms are great, and people knowing who you are can only help. Now let's just enjoy the snow, okay? LANE: Okay. LORELAI: Okay. RORY: Especially since some of us have been freezing since our showers this morning. LORELAI: I wasn't in there that long. LANE: I'm sorry, can we get back to the band uniforms, cause on a scale of one to ten, how much do I not wanna let Dave see me like that? LORELAI/RORY: Ten. LANE: Okay, thanks. [opening credits] CUT TO CHILTON CLASSROOM TEACHER: To evaluate the value of a function of X when X equals pi. You want to start by splitting the intregal into two separate intregals. Now, since the left intregal is a variable of a constant exponent, remember C is a constant, add one and divide by the new power. MADELINE: Paris, what did he say? PARIS: Hm? MADELINE: He's talking too fast, I missed it. PARIS: Ask Louise. MADELINE: Louise, what did he say? LOUISE: I don't know, ask Paris. MADELINE: She told me to ask you. LOUISE: Why would she do that? MADELINE: I don't know. LOUISE: Did you guys have a fight? MADELINE: Not that I know of. TEACHER: . . . The right intregal, however, is more complex. You have to use U substitution with U equals 3 feet. [bell rings] We'll pick up at the same place tomorrow. RORY: The bell rang. PARIS: What? RORY: The bell? That loud metal musical contraption that when hit loudly by a vibrating mallet signals the end of this particular educational experience. PARIS: Class is over? RORY: Yup. PARIS: What did he talk about? MADELINE: Ask Louise. PARIS: I didn't take notes. I didn't pay attention. I'm going to. . . RORY: Borrow my notes and be just fine. PARIS: Thank you. MADELINE: Madeline want notes, too, please. LOUISE: Add one and divide by the new power? Oh, I thought it said add one and divide by the Jew power. It makes much more sense this way. PARIS: I can't believe I zoned out for the entire class. RORY: You must have a lot on your mind. PARIS: I do. RORY: I'm sure. Okay, so, onto the next thing. I don't think I'll have the prom bids ready for the supplemental student council meeting this week. PARIS: Oh. RORY: They need a little more time to get the details together, so that leaves a little hole in our agenda. Any thoughts? PARIS: Well, we can just cancel the supplementary meeting this week. RORY: What? PARIS: Well, if there's nothing really to talk about, what's the point, right? LOUISE: You said that one student council meeting a week was not enough. MADELINE: Yeah, you said that was no way to govern, that meeting once a week was lazy, ineffectual, and if we were going to do it like that, we might as well just buy ourselves a ranch in Texas. PARIS: Fine, if you guys wanna sit around for an hour after school swapping makeover horror stories, then count me in. Hey, did I ever tell you about the time I plucked outside of my designated brow line? Man, was my face red. MADELINE: I've done that, too. Ooh, it's bad. LOUISE: She was being sarcastic. MADELINE: Well, I wasn't. I looked surprised for a month. PARIS: We'll just take this week off, and next week we'll go back to twice a week, okay? RORY: Sounds fair. LOUISE: Sounds fab. FRANCIE: I heard something about the supplemental student council meeting anything I need to know about, a new chart to be made, perhaps? PARIS: No. We were just saying that the agenda seems light this week, so I've decided to cancel it, and we can just gather at the regular meeting on Friday. FRANCIE: Wow, this is quite a change in plans. PARIS: You have a problem with it? FRANCIE: No, I'm just surprised. You seem so attached to those meetings. PARIS: Well, I finally got a blankie. It's much better. FRANCIE: Okay, no extra meeting this week. What will I do with all that extra time? Well, I guess I'll think of something. PARIS: Take a picture of which outfit wins, will ya? RORY: Bye Francie. FRANCIE: Bye. [Rory and Paris walk into the hallway] PARIS: I met his parents. RORY: You did? PARIS: He bought me a ticket, and I took the train to Philadelphia, and he met me at the station, and I spent Christmas with him and his family. RORY: Sounds nice. PARIS: No, not nice. It was perfect. They had a Christmas tree twelve feet tall. Everything was red and silver and there was eggnog. Have you ever had eggnog? RORY: Yes, I have. PARIS: It's disgusting. RORY: Yes, it is. PARIS: But disgusting in a really great way. And they had tiny wreaths hanging from every doorknob, and mistletoe and candles everywhere. I couldn't believe it. I mean, I've never had a Christmas before. One year, I asked my mother if we could get a Chanukah bush. She made me watch Shoah the rest of the week. RORY: Wow. PARIS: The place smelled like cinnamon all the time, and there was a fire in the fireplace, and a ton of presents. I mean, hundreds of presents. I'm looking at this mound of gifts, and I'm thinking, Eight days of Chanukah. . . who was the skinflint who thought up that deal?' RORY: Don't the eight days symbolize something? PARIS: Yes, they symbolize eight days of ripping off the little kids who can't have a Chanukah bush. RORY: You're making me sad. PARIS: His mother bought me a present. RORY: Well, that says something. PARIS: What does it say? RORY: It says that Jamie likes you enough that she felt compelled to buy you a present. PARIS: I had the most amazing time. Sitting around the tree opening presents, and they played Christmas music and we drank apple cider. . .it was so nice. And then his grandfather and I wound up in a theological discussion. Jesus Messiah or nice Jewish kid with a hammer? It got pretty heated. RORY: Okay, skip to the end, I can't take it. How did it turn out? PARIS: He told me he loved me. RORY: Aw, Paris! PARIS: I never thought I'd hear a boy tell me he loved me. RORY: That's great. PARIS: He invited me back up for Easter break. RORY: You're going, I assume? PARIS: Are you kidding? And miss a chance to debate Christ rising from the dead? I'm so there. RORY: Jamie's a lucky man. CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN [Lorelai walks through the dining room as Michel speaks Hungarian to a group of guests. The guests get angry, and Michel runs out of the room] MICHEL: Move, please. LORELAI: Whoa, what's going on? MICHEL: I cannot talk now, please. LORELAI: Michel, they sound really angry. MICHEL: They do, don't they? LORELAI: What did you say? MICHEL: I don't know. LORELAI: What do you mean you don't know? All you had to say was Welcome to Stars Hollow,' that's it. MICHEL: I know, I thought I did, and then they got angry and threw breadsticks and butter pats. LORELAI: Michel. MICHEL: I'm looking. [flips through a dictionary] LORELAI: You only had to say one word in Hungarian welcome, that's it. How bad could it be? MICHEL: Very bad. LORELAI: Oh, Michel. MICHEL: Very, very bad. LORELAI: Be careful. [Michel walks back to the guests as the phone rings. Lorelai answers] LORELAI: Independence Inn, Lorelai speaking. EMILY: Well, your father's sixtieth birthday dinner is back on. LORELAI: What sixtieth birthday dinner? EMILY: The one that I had planned for Wednesday night. LORELAI: Oh, were we coming? EMILY: Of course you were coming. You think you wouldn't be invited? LORELAI: Well, apparently, we weren't invited. EMILY: I had just started planning the whole thing when he came home in a mood and declared that parties were for children and it was canceled. LORELAI: Were we disappointed? EMILY: However, today he came in and changed his mind, so I expect the two of you at eight. And bring a gift, but don't get him a cigar humidor. LORELAI: Okay. EMILY: I bought him a cigar humidor. LORELAI: I assumed. EMILY: It's gorgeous. It belonged to a lieutenant in the army in World War I. Apparently, he kept it in his field office in France. There are carvings in the bottom that the dealer said could possibly be coded messages. LORELAI: Cool. EMILY: I think so, too. All right, eight o'clock, do not be late. LORELAI: Okay, we will not be late. Bye. [hangs up the phone as Michel walks back to the desk] Well? MICHEL: It's fine. All we have to do is pay the ransom and they will give us the busboy back. LORELAI: Oh, whoa, uh. . . CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai walks into the kitchen and starts screaming. She traps a spider under a cup on the floor. There's a knock at the back door.] LORELAI: Come in. [Dean walks in] Dean, hi. DEAN: Hi. Uh, I hope I'm not disturbing anything. LORELAI: Oh, no, absolutely not. DEAN: Good. Um, I just wanted to. . . LORELAI: Ah, ah! DEAN: What? LORELAI: Don't kick the cup. DEAN: The what? LORELAI: I have a spider whose previous credits include the bathtub scene from Annie Hall trapped under that cup. DEAN: The size of a Buick? LORELAI: Yeah. DEAN: I see. And what are you planning to do now that you've got him trapped? LORELAI: Well, I was thinking of just giving him the kitchen. DEAN: Okay. LORELAI: Cause, you know, we don't use it very much anyhow, so, uh. . . DEAN: I could get rid of it if you want. LORELAI: Yeah, that'd be great. Just, careful . . . He heard me talking, so don't let him get away. He knows I'm behind this, he'll come after me. Ugh, ugh, ugh. I guess you can see why camping's completely out of the question for me. DEAN: Got it. LORELAI: Okay, great. Could ya. . .uh. . .[gestures to the back door] DEAN: Oh, yeah, yeah, no problem. LORELAI: Don't let his family see you. Spiders are vindictive. [Dean takes the spider out the back door] RORY: [calls from front hall] Mom? LORELAI: Uh, Rory. [Rory walks into the kitchen] RORY: Can we do pizza tonight? I've got a ton of studying to do. LORELAI: Sure, pizza sounds great. RORY: Good. Why's the door open? LORELAI: The door is open because. . .Dean's here. [Dean walks in] RORY: Hi. DEAN: Hi. LORELAI: Um, Dean threw out a spider for me. DEAN: I just came by to drop off some of your stuff. RORY: Oh. DEAN: Just some books you loaned me, a couple of CD's. RORY: Okay, thanks. DEAN: Yeah, sure. Okay, so, I'm gonna go. LORELAI: Thanks Dean. [Dean leaves] LORELAI: It was a really big spider. I think it had a gun. What are you feeling right now? RORY: Nothing. LORELAI: Not weirded out, even a little? RORY: Why would I be weirded out? LORELAI: Well, Dean coming over, bringing your stuff back. RORY: No, I'm fine. LORELAI: Okay. Although, you know, if you were weirded out a little, it would be okay. It wouldn't mean that you don't like Jess, or that you made a mistake. It would just mean the guy who was in your life for two years isn't there anymore. RORY: I was just surprised, that's all. LORELAI: If you say so. RORY: I do. LORELAI: Okay. RORY: I'm gonna go start studying. LORELAI: I'll order the pizza. RORY: Thank you. CUT TO OUTSIDE [Rory and Jess are walking through the town square] RORY: You know what just occurred to me? That we are very fortunate to have good teeth. JESS: Yes, very fortunate. RORY: Can you imagine if braces were involved in this interaction? JESS: It'd be a bloodbath. RORY: I can't catch my breath. JESS: You're not supposed to. RORY: Hey, listen, Thursday night is the Stars Hollow High Winter Carnival. JESS: Oh yeah? RORY: Yeah, I thought we could go, meet Lane there. JESS: Nope. RORY: But it'd be really fun. They'll have really bad games and really bad food and the marching band will play and JESS: Rory, I'm doing some of my best work here and you're just talking right through it. RORY: Come on, let's go to the carnival. JESS: I don't go to these stupid town things. RORY: You went to the Bid-A-Basket festival. You went to the dance marathon. JESS: That was when I was trying to get you. I now have you. That means I don't have to go anymore. RORY: You're serious? JESS: As a heart attack. RORY: But it'll be fun. JESS: We can have our own fun. RORY: I can't miss the winter carnival. JESS: Rory, come on. RORY: Well, I never have. I can't. Just go with me, please. JESS: Look, how bout you go to the festival, meet Lane, and then I'll hook up with you afterwards. RORY: Jess. JESS: That's my final offer, man. RORY: Fine. JESS: Fine. RORY: We're gonna walk right in front of a car one of these days. CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Rory and Jess walk in] JESS: So, you want some help with your homework? RORY: You're going to help me? JESS: Yup. RORY: Don't take this the wrong way, but how? JESS: Come upstairs and I'll show you. RORY: Upstairs? JESS: Yeah. RORY: Well, you know how important my education is to me. JESS: Yes, I do. [Lorelai walks in with some shopping bags] LORELAI: Rory, hey. Thank God, I need help. Where you going? RORY: Nowhere. JESS: See ya. [goes upstairs] LORELAI: Were you guys gonna go upstairs and kiss? RORY: Wow, look at all the bags. LORELAI: Yes, I went shopping for my father's birthday present today, which was great for about fifteen minutes, until it all came back to me. RORY: What? LORELAI: The fact that I totally suck at buying my father presents. RORY: He'll like whatever you get him. LORELAI: If I slip him a quaalude, he'll like whatever I get him. RORY: They are not that bad. LORELAI: My intentions are always good, and I never put a price limit on it. I even went so far as to follow older men around the store who kind of looked like my dad to see what they were buying, which didn't help me with ideas, but I did get asked to the antique car show. RORY: Just show me what you got. LORELAI: Fine. Option number one a state of the art, high tech, titanium bathroom scale. RORY: Huh. LORELAI: What? He has weight. RORY: Yes, but I'm not sure that his birthday is the time to remind him of it. LORELAI: Okay, option number two a fabulous mechanical coin sorter. You put the coins in, it sorts them. What? RORY: Well, it's a little generic. LORELAI: Generic in a good way, or. . . RORY: What's the third option? LORELAI: See, I should have pulled the coin sorter out last, cause. . . RORY: Mom. LORELAI: Okay. RORY: A tie. LORELAI: Yes, it's silk. RORY: It's nice. LORELAI: It is? LUKE: What's that? LORELAI: It's a tie for my father's birthday. LUKE: What, no Aramis this year? LORELAI: No, he likes ties. LUKE: You know, if you get the big bottle, it usually comes with a tote bag and a soap on a rope. LORELAI: Go away. My gifts suck. RORY: It's the thought that counts. LORELAI: What'd you get him? RORY: Nothing big. LORELAI: Well, what? RORY: Just a thing. LORELAI: What kind of thing? RORY: Chuck Berry Live at the Fillmore on vinyl. LORELAI: Oh my God, that's perfect. He loves Chuck Berry. How did you come up with that? RORY: I called him and asked him what he wanted. LORELAI: That's cheating. RORY: Tough. LORELAI: Well, now what am I gonna do? I can't give him a tie when you give him the world's most perfect present we already know he likes. RORY: You want me to go find something for you? LORELAI: You would do that? RORY: He gave me a couple other suggestions. I can go see if I can find one of them. LORELAI: Ugh, my God, I love you. You are my angel. RORY: Hey, you had one more that you didn't show me. LORELAI: Oh, yeah it lights up and sings. RORY: Enough said. CUT TO SIDEWALK [Rory is walking down the sidewalk. She stops to look in a store window, then accidentally bumps into Dean.] RORY: Oh! DEAN: Oh, sorry. RORY: I didn't see you. DEAN: I wasn't paying attention. RORY: I was just looking in the window and then. . . DEAN: I was just noticing the new benches in the square. RORY: Sorry. DEAN: Yeah, uh, sorry. RORY: It's weird. DEAN: What's weird? RORY: How we keep randomly bumping into each other like this. DEAN: Well, it wasn't exactly random bumping into you at your house. RORY: Right, I live there, not so random. DEAN: Though, this, right now. . RORY: Random. DEAN: Very random. RORY: That's probably the most the word random's been used in a two minutes period in a really long time. DEAN: Hey, you wanna get a cup of coffee? RORY: Coffee? DEAN: Maybe talk a little? Of course, if you prefer, we can both just head over to Weston's and randomly bump into each other. RORY: No, uh, that's okay. I can get coffee. DEAN: Good. CUT TO WESTON'S BAKERY [Rory and Dean walk in] DEAN: So, where do you wanna sit? RORY: Um, there's good, if you like the window. DEAN: Window is fine. RORY: Of course, there's that one if you don't like the window. DEAN: Window's fine. RORY: The window can be colder because of the glass, but then that one is right by the bathroom, and being right by the bathroom always makes me kind of uncomfortable, which isn't really fair because something has to be right by the bathroom. Otherwise, you're cutting down on tables, which means you're cutting down on profits and. . .window's fine? DEAN: Window's fine. RORY: Let's sit down then. [they sit down] This is a very nice table. Good pick. KIRK: Today we have an almond tort, an apple pandowdy, and various marzipan fruits made by a sect of cloistered nuns in Toledo. DEAN: I'll have a piece of pie. KIRK: Cherry, peach, chocolate, pumpkin, custard DEAN: Custard's fine. KIRK: There's more. DEAN: I know, but custard's fine. KIRK: You don't wanna hear the rest? DEAN: I am really good with the custard. KIRK: But they made memorize thirty different flavors. DEAN: Kirk? KIRK: Yes? DEAN: Custard is fine. KIRK: You want ice cream with that? DEAN: Are there different flavors? KIRK: Thirty-two. DEAN: Just the pie. KIRK: Okay. What about you? RORY: Oh, nothing for me. DEAN: Nothing? RORY: I'm not hungry. DEAN: You're not hungry? RORY: Nope, I'm not. DEAN: She's not hungry. KIRK: I'll be right back. DEAN: In all the time I've known you, I've never seen you not hungry. RORY: Yeah, well. . . DEAN: Thanks for doing this. RORY: Of course. Why wouldn't I? DEAN: Because you're incredibly uncomfortable. RORY: Well, it's the situation, not you. DEAN: Yeah, the situation. RORY: You know, with you and me being. . . DEAN: Yeah, yeah, I know the situation. So, um, how are ya? RORY: I'm fine. You? DEAN: I'm doing okay. RORY: How's school? DEAN: Not bad. I've got McKellan for History. RORY: Oh, has he done his Napoleon having dinner with Charlemagne bit yet? DEAN: Catherine the Great shows up for dessert. RORY: Oh, wow, he's revised it. Good for him. He's a unique man, but a decent teacher. DEAN: Yeah. You know, um, I wanted to tell you I applied to Southern Connecticut State. RORY: What? DEAN: McKellan actually wrote me a letter of recommendation. RORY: Wait a minute you do know that Southern Connecticut State is a four-year college? DEAN: Yeah, I read that in the brochure. RORY: But what happened to I'm going to community college'? DEAN: I changed my mind. RORY: Why? DEAN: You. RORY: Me? DEAN: All your Harvard talk, all those crazy books you pushed on me, all that talk about you can do more.' RORY: You can do more. DEAN: So I decided to do more. RORY: Wow, I'm so glad. DEAN: Thanks. RORY: Well, if you need any help with anything, I've become the Rain Man of college application requirements. DEAN: Thanks. I might take you up on that. KIRK: Custard pie, no ice cream. DEAN: Thanks, Kirk. RORY: Wow. Southern Connecticut State, that's exciting. When did all this happen? DEAN: The last few weeks. Uh, it's funny. I got the envelope, and I wanted to call you, and then I realized, uh, I can't do that. RORY: You could've done that. DEAN: I guess. I don't know, I can't get over how weird it is. I go from seeing you everyday to. . . RORY: I know. DEAN: I mean, I'm used to talking to you. RORY: I know. DEAN: That's a hard thing to just let go of. RORY: For me, too. DEAN: I don't know, Rory. Maybe. . .maybe, um. . .is there a way we could be friends? RORY: Really? DEAN: If you want to. RORY: Oh, I want to. I really want to. But DEAN: Don't ask me how I'm gonna deal with him. I have no idea. RORY: Okay. DEAN: Let's just take this one step at a time. RORY: Absolutely. Slow and steady wins the race. DEAN: This is really good. You sure you don't want a bite? RORY: One bite. So how's Clara's horseback-riding lessons going? DEAN: Not bad. I think she actually got within three feet of the thing last week. RORY: Hm, very impressive. DEAN: She thought so. CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Lorelai, Rory, Emily and Richard are sitting in the living room for Richard's birthday party] RICHARD: This man is a genius. Listen to him play. RORY: I'm glad you like it, Grandpa. RICHARD: Oh, I must say, I am a very spoiled man. Chuck Berry, and the complete history of the Peloponnesian War. LORELAI: Well, sure, cause a partial history would skip all the dirty stuff. RICHARD: I especially like the way you wrapped the books in a bow tie. It's very, very clever. LORELAI: I thought it would be appropriate. EMILY: And, of course, you're not forgetting your favorite gift. RICHARD: Oh, yes, my beautiful humidor from my beautiful wife. EMILY: Thank you. RICHARD: No, thank you. It's been a wonderful birthday. [the doorbell rings] EMILY: Would you like some more champagne? RICHARD: Oh, why not? TRIX: [from hallway] One of the porch lights is burned out. Perhaps the simple act of glancing outside a window once in awhile might have alerted someone to the situation. LORELAI: Gran? RICHARD: Trix, is that you? Well, I'll be. What a surprise. [leaves room] LORELAI: Mom, did you know Grandma was coming? EMILY: Oh my God. LORELAI: Okay, no seems like a safe answer. RICHARD: [from hallway] Emily, come here! Come say hello to this delightful creature that just walked in. EMILY: Oh my God. LORELAI: Come on, let's see if she tries to make a break for it. [they all walk to the front hallway where Richard is standing with Trix] RICHARD: Emily, did you know about this? EMILY: Why, no, I didn't. RICHARD: Well, I'm floored. TRIX: Good. Hello Lorelai. LORELAI: Hello Gran, good to see you. TRIX: You're well? LORELAI: I'm well. TRIX: You're working? LORELAI: I'm working. TRIX: You're single? LORELAI: I'm single. TRIX: By choice, or do you scare the men with your independence? LORELAI: Actually, I scare them with my Minnie Pearl impression. TRIX: The lady with the hat. Rory, as soon as I get settled, I want to hear all about your schooling and your college plans. RORY: Okay, Gran. TRIX: Well, Emily, I don't know if you realize it or not, but it's not proper to receive guests in the foyer. It puts one in the awkward position of having to invite oneself in. EMILY: Uh, yes, uh, please, I - I'm sorry. Please, come in. RICHARD: This way. [Richard leads her to the living room] EMILY: What is she doing here? LORELAI: She's visiting. EMILY: She didn't call, she always calls. LORELAI: Oh, it's Dad's birthday. She wanted it to be a surprise. EMILY: But I haven't prepared. I haven't shopped or set up the guest room and oh God, her horrible gifts are still in the basement. What do I do? LORELAI: Leave them there. EMILY: But LORELAI: It's too late to do anything about that now. Come on. [they walk to the living room] TRIX: Oh, Emily, you're still here. EMILY: Yes, of course I'm still here. Can I get you some champagne? TRIX: Well, if you wish me to be violently ill tomorrow, absolutely. LORELAI: Do not answer that. RICHARD: I've got you covered Trix. Now, tell me what on earth you're doing here. You didn't travel all the way from England just for my birthday. TRIX: Oh, I think your birthday is a good enough reason to travel all the way from England. However, it did also happen to coincide with some business I needed to attend to. RORY: What kind of business? TRIX: Well, for the past year, I've been renting my home in Hartford to a group of musicians. They've recently moved out, so I had to come check on the house and secure a new tenant. LORELAI: What kind of musicians? TRIX: A rock and roll group of some sort. I believe they call themselves Korn. LORELAI: You rented your house to Korn? RORY: That's so cool! TRIX: They were fine tenants. Took wonderful care of the place. They planted some lovely tulips in the front yard. EMILY: So, Mom, if you're going to be here for awhile, I can plan some things for you to do, some outings you might enjoy. TRIX: Like what? EMILY: Like the arboretum. TRIX: I have no desire to spend the entire day with plants, Emily. I'm not a bee. Besides, I already know what I would like to do. I would like to see where Lorelai works. LORELAI: The inn? TRIX: I thought we could all have dinner there. LORELAI: Oh, well, sure. That would be great. TRIX: Wonderful. Tomorrow night, then. RORY: Oh. . . LORELAI: Well. . . TRIX: What? LORELAI: It's just that tomorrow night we were planning to go to this winter carnival at the high school. . . RORY: But we can skip it. TRIX: Absolutely not. Rory, you're a young person who works hard. It's equally important to have fun. You go to the carnival. RORY: Thank you. TRIX: Lorelai, you've had enough fun in your life. LORELAI: And then some. TRIX: Dinner will be for the grown-ups. Now, how is the birthday going? RICHARD: Wonderfully. They're spoiling me rotten. Emily got me the most beautiful humidor. It's from 1917, and was owned by a lieutenant in World War I. TRIX: You know, your father had a humidor that was owned by Victor Hugo. RICHARD: Really? TRIX: I still have it if you'd like it. RICHARD: Well, I'd love it. TRIX: Fine. I'll take care of it as soon as I get back to London. Now, if you will excuse me, I should like to freshen up. EMILY: I'll make sure the guest room's ready. RICHARD: Oh, I can do that, Emily. TRIX: Thank you, Richard. Emily, I expect to return in twenty minutes. That should give you enough time to pull my gifts out of storage and place them around the room as if they actually stand there all year. [leaves room] LORELAI: You want some help with those gifts? EMILY: Yes, please. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN KITCHEN SOOKIE: Twelve courses, each paired with a specific wine, and for dessert, individual chocolate amaretto mousse cakes in the shape of a G. LORELAI: Sookie, look what you've done. SOOKIE: Over the top? LORELAI: On a monumental scale. SOOKIE: Exactly what I was going for. I'm also going to have individual little menus printed up and placed at each setting. LORELAI: I love you for doing this. [Michel walks up to Lorelai with the phone] MICHEL: Your mother is on the phone. LORELAI: Oh, can you take a message? MICHEL: You mean, do I have the physical and mental capabilities to take a message? Why, yes, I do, however. . . LORELAI: I got it. [takes the phone] Hey Mom. EMILY: She wants to see your house. LORELAI: What? EMILY: Tonight, before the dinner. LORELAI: Oh, okay. EMILY: Okay? Did you hear what I said? That horrifying woman wants to see your house. Your house the one with the monkey lamp. LORELAI: Mom, relax. EMILY: Is it clean? LORELAI: Yeah, it's clean. EMILY: If I came in there wearing white gloves, what would I find? LORELAI: That you could pull a rabbit out of your hat? EMILY: I don't know what to do. Oh, nevermind, I'll just figure it out when I get there. LORELAI: When you get where? EMILY: I'll call you later, Lorelai. LORELAI: When you get where, Mom? EMILY: I'm turning onto your street now. LORELAI: Mom, no! EMILY: I'll just let myself in. I know you keep a key in the turtle or some ridiculous thing like that. LORELAI: Mom, I beg of you, make a very dangerous u-turn right now and go back where you came from. EMILY: I'm here. I'll talk to you later, Lorelai. LORELAI: Mom. . .mom! CUT TO CHILTON HALLWAY [Rory walks past a classroom as Francie opens the door] FRANCIE: Oh, Rory, super. Could you step in here for a sec? RORY: Oh, okay. FRANCIE: Thanks. I'm just so lucky I caught you. RORY: What is this? FRANCIE: The supplementary student council meeting, silly. RORY: But Paris canceled that. FRANCIE: She did, didn't she? Hm. RORY: What's going on? LOUISE: You tell us. RORY: I don't know. MADELINE: Francie said there was an issue that has to be discussed. LOUISE: We figured you ok'ed it. RORY: I did not okay it. Mr. Hunter, there's been a mistake. Paris canceled this meeting and MR. HUNTER: I know, Rory, but Francie approached me and said there was an issue that she had planned to discuss at the meeting today, and it has a bit of a ticking clock on it. RORY: You did not mention that you had anything. FRANCIE: I was just so surprised that Paris was canceling the meeting that it flew right out of my head. It was New York to London in three hours or less. RORY: I'll bet. MR. HUNTER: Rory, if you take a seat, we can get started. RORY: I move that we postpone this meeting until Paris can be reached. MR. HUNTER: We're all here now, let's just hear what Francie has to say. You can fill Paris in later. By the way, did anyone try to find her? FRANCIE: I saw her walking off with. . .who was that, her brother? LOUISE: Paris doesn't have a brother. FRANCIE: Really? Well, she certainly seemed to know him. RORY: Francie, why don't you just tell us all why we're here? LOUISE: And how long we're staying. FRANCIE: The Wadsworth Mansion has just had a cancellation, which means that we can get it for prom, if we move quickly. Shall we vote? RORY: Hold on the Wadsworth Mansion is too expensive. We've already discussed this. FRANCIE: There are plenty of funds there to cover it. RORY: Not if we want a telescope to be the senior gift. FRANCIE: You mean, not if Paris wants a telescope to be the senior gift. RORY: We all thought it was a good idea. FRANCIE: Reach for the stars? Nice theme, original. Was Be all that you can be' taken? RORY: It's a good gift. FRANCIE: It's a fine gift. However, so is planting a nice tree in the quad. RORY: Every class plants a tree. FRANCIE: Well, then, who are we to judge those who came before? I say, let's put it to a vote. RORY: This isn't right. Paris should be here. FRANCIE: I agree, Paris should be here. However, she's not, so once again, shall we vote? MR. HUNTER: Rory, as student body vice president, I need you to call for a vote. RORY: All those in favor of using the funds for the Wadsworth Mansion, even though we will be cheating the next generation of Chilton students who would love a nice telescope, say aye. ALL: Aye. RORY: Wadsworth Mansion it is. FRANCIE: Meeting dismissed. Chin up, we'll make it a really big tree. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai pulls up to the house and goes inside. Emily is trying to move Lorelai's couch] LORELAI: Hold it right there! Step back and move away from the couch. EMILY: This couch cannot stay. LORELAI: Yes, it can. EMILY: It's awful. LORELAI: It can hear you. EMILY: Please. LORELAI: No. EMILY: Well, what about the chair? Let me move the chair. LORELAI: No, the chair stays also. EMILY: Well, we have to do something. I brought flowers over and can't find a decent vase. All I could find was a ceramic Betty Boop head. LORELAI: Mom, you're making yourself crazy. EMILY: I know. We'll get some tarps and throw them over everything and tell her that you're painting. LORELAI: Mom, stop it. What is so horrible about this room? EMILY: Well, look at it. LORELAI: I am. I like it. EMILY: Well, you may like it, but your grandmother will not. She's going to take one look around here at the junk store collection of hobo furniture and she's going to blame me. LORELAI: For what? EMILY: For letting you live like this. For not teaching you better. For not redecorating while you're out of town. LORELAI: Well, we're never out of town. EMILY: For not sending you out of town so I could redecorate! LORELAI: Mom, you don't believe that. EMILY: Everything that's wrong in your life is my fault. Everything that's wrong in your father's life is my fault. Basically, everything's that wrong is my fault. LORELAI: Mom, would you sit down for a minute. [They both sit on the couch] EMILY: And it's lumpy, perfect. LORELAI: Mom, if I may, I'd like to give you some advice. EMILY: You would? LORELAI: You need to develop a defense mechanism for dealing with Grandma. EMILY: What are you talking about? LORELAI: You just need a system, a new mindset. Take me, for example. EMILY: What about you? LORELAI: Well, I know there are many things in my life you don't approve of. EMILY: Like what? LORELAI: Like this couch. EMILY: Well, this couch is terrible. LORELAI: Okay, good you think the couch is terrible. Now, at one point in my life, you saying a couch that I carefully picked out and had to pay off over eight months is terrible might've hurt my feelings, but not anymore. EMILY: No? LORELAI: No. EMILY: Why not? LORELAI: Because one day, I decided that instead of being hurt and upset by your disapproval, I'm gonna be amused. I'm gonna find it funny. I'm even going to take a little bit of pleasure in it. EMILY: You take pleasure in my disapproval? LORELAI: I encourage it sometimes just for a laugh. EMILY: I don't know what to think of that. LORELAI: Think, hey, that's brilliant', because this idea could set you free. [Emily sighs] LORELAI: Mom, what are you thinking about? EMILY: That ridiculous Betty Boop head. LORELAI: [smiles] Mmhmm. So am I. CUT TO CHILTON [Francie is walking down the hall when Rory pulls her into the bathroom] RORY: Francie, so good of you to stop by. I know how busy you are. Gum? FRANCIE: What's your damage, Gilmore? RORY: Damage? No damage. I just thought we should chat. FRANCIE: Yeah? Well, I don't have any RORY: Oh, you know what, I changed my mind. I don't think we should chat, I think I should chat. Ready? Okay. That little stunt you pulled not good. FRANCIE: Stunt? RORY: Paris canceled that meeting. FRANCIE: Something came up. RORY: Then you should have brought it to Paris. FRANCIE: Paris wasn't around. She was off yet again with the mystery man. RORY: Jealous? FRANCIE: Of Paris' lobotomy victim? I think not. RORY: What is wrong with you? So what if Paris has a boyfriend? You don't think that as hard as Paris works in school or on the Franklin or on student council - you don't think that she deserves to have a boyfriend and to enjoy it? FRANCIE: Hey, no one is denying Gidget a chance to snag Moondoggie for the clambake, but the rest of us have things to accomplish. RORY: You've had one goal since the beginning of the year. FRANCIE: To achieve the perfect liquid line. RORY: To take Paris down. FRANCIE: And to achieve the perfect liquid line. RORY: I tried to intervene, I tried to smooth the path between both sides, but you know what? That's over. FRANCIE: Oh, it is? RORY: Yes, it is. I'm finished being your go-between. You're a jerk, and if you wanna play it this way, then fine. All bets are off. I'm no longer your ally. You wanna play rough fine. I've read The Art of War. I can be just as big a pain in your butt as you are in Paris', capiche? FRANCIE: You do not wanna be my enemy, Marlo Thomas. RORY: I think I do, Tina Louise. FRANCIE: Fine. RORY: It is fine. FRANCIE: Can I go now? RORY: The door's right there. FRANCIE: You're gonna be very sorry. RORY: Am I? FRANCIE: Oh yes. . .you are. RORY: I'm good with that. CUT TO LORELAI'S LIVING ROOM [Lorelai is upstairs, Rory's in her bedroom. They holler back and forth to each other off-screen] RORY: I'm running out of space. LORELAI: How many bouquets you got left? RORY: Three. LORELAI: Can you put them on your dresser? RORY: Dresser's full. LORELAI: Can you squish them in with another bunch? RORY: Already squished. LORELAI: Can you toss them out the window like I did my last five bouquets? RORY: Done. LORELAI: Great. [Lorelai walks down the stairs as Rory walks to the living room] LORELAI: Okay, so monkey lamp's in the closet, singing rabbi's in a drawer, and all Spice Girl memorabilia's under your bed. How do I look? RORY: Like a woman who does not own any Spice Girl memorabilia. LORELAI: You look pretty, too. RORY: Thank you. LORELAI: And I want a play-by-play of the carnival tonight. RORY: I promise. LORELAI: And you can leave out all the RORY: Hand kissing sounds, gladly. [there's a knock at the front door] LORELAI: Oop, they're here. RORY: Hey, if she doesn't like the house what happens then? LORELAI: I think we have to move. Smile pretty. [they open the door] LORELAI: Hi Mom, hi Dad, hi Gran. Was your trip good? TRIX: The trip was fine. Hello Rory. RORY: Hi Gran. Hi Grandma, hi Grandpa. TRIX: Now that we've exhausted the greetings, kindly move aside. I'd like to see your house. LORELAI: Oh, come on in. EMILY: If I pass out. . . LORELAI: I'll yell timber. So, Gran, what do you think? I mean, it's not much. Probably too modest for Korn, but Weezer'd be pretty comfortable. [Gran walks around silently exploring the main floor of the house as the others follow behind her. They follow her back to the living room.] TRIX: Let's go. RORY: Are we moving? LORELAI: I don't know. EMILY: Lorelai, I swear to God, if you prolong this evening. . . LORELAI: Coming. RORY: Have fun. EMILY: No one appreciates your sarcasm, young lady. CUT TO OUTSIDE [Rory and Jess walk down the sidewalk] RORY: Boy, it's pretty out tonight, isn't it? JESS: Sure is. RORY: Like a snow globe. JESS: Mmhmm. RORY: Sparkly. I mean, I don't think a night comes any prettier than this one. And if you take a really pretty night and add a corndog. . . JESS: I'm not going to that carnival with you. RORY: Why not? JESS: I will be in front of Miss Patty's at nine as promised. RORY: You are stubborn and impossible. JESS: See you at nine. [Dean and his sister walk toward them] CLARA: Rory! RORY: Clara, hi! CLARA: I haven't seen you in forever. RORY: Longer than forever. DEAN: She got away from me. JESS: Buy a stronger leash. DEAN: Hey, uh, did you see they got the crazy psychic from Woodbury again? RORY: You're kidding. I thought she got arrested. DEAN: She's out now and sitting right over there. RORY: I love her. She always tells me I'm gonna be rich and famous. DEAN: She tells everybody that they're gonna be rich and famous. CLARA: Who are you? JESS: No one. CLARA: Yes, you are. JESS: No, I'm not. RORY: That's Jess. Jess, this is Clara. CLARA: Are you guys going to the carnival? RORY: I'm going, Jess isn't. CLARA: Why not? RORY: He has things to do. CLARA: Then you can go with me and Dean, right? RORY: Oh, well. . . JESS: I'm going. RORY: What? JESS: To the carnival. I'm going to the carnival. CLARA: I thought you had things to do. JESS: Well, I don't. CLARA: Rory just said you had things to do. JESS: Hey Tatu, just look at the plane, will ya? CLARA: What? RORY: Jess, you don't have to go. We can meet later like you said. JESS: What? No. Come on, how many chances does a guy have to go to a Stars Hollow High winter carnival, right? CLARA: Right. JESS: Okay, then. Let's go. CLARA: To the carnival! JESS: To the carnival. CLARA: I want a pretzel and a snowcone and a cheese stick. . . DEAN: Pace yourself. CLARA: Rory never tells me to pace myself. CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN [Lorelai, Emily, Richard, and Trix walk into the dining room] LORELAI: And this is our dining room. TRIX: Small. LORELAI: Or quaint. TRIX: Touche. RICHARD: Oh, you're in for a real treat, Trix. This Sookie is one of the best chefs around. LORELAI: Here's our table, Gran. Why don't you sit here? TRIX: All right. Well, Lorelai, I must say, on first viewing, this little inn of yours looks quite impressive. LORELAI: Thank you. TRIX: I mean, it's certainly no arboretum, but it's nice just the same. EMILY: It was just a suggestion, Mom. TRIX: Yes, it was. Oh, look, a menu. RICHARD: Well, that's a nice little touch. LORELAI: Well, Sookie wanted everything perfect for tonight. MICHEL: Hey, there you are. LORELAI: Oh, Michel, great. Gran, I'd like you to meet Michel Gerard, our concierge. Michel, this is my grandmother, Lorelai. MICHEL: Very pleased to meet you. TRIX: Do you have a pen? MICHEL: Uh, why, of course. TRIX: Now, please take this to your chef. These are the times I would like each course to appear at this table. I like a brisk pace, twelve minutes per course is best for my digestion. However, please tell your servers that they are not to clear until everyone has finished. Thank you. MICHEL: Oh, no, thank you. It is so rare that I get to carry a note anymore. CUT TO CARNIVAL CLARA: Is Jess your real name? JESS: Yes. CLARA: Do you like it? JESS: It's fine. CLARA: Would you rather be named Bill? JESS: No. CLARA: Frank? JESS: No. CLARA: Mike? JESS: No. CLARA: Bob? JESS: No. CLARA: Ed? JESS: Does this belong to you? DEAN: Clara, you want a snowcone? CLARA: Yes. Will you go get me a snowcone? JESS: Absolutely. Go stand in the middle of the street and wait for me, I'll be right back. DEAN: I'll get your snowcone. CLARA: And one for Rory, too. DEAN: And one for Rory, too. RORY: Thanks. [Dean walks away] CLARA: Do you wash your hair? JESS: Yes, I wash my hair. CLARA: Then why does it stick up like that? JESS: Because. CLARA: It looks crazy. LANE: Rory! [Rory walks over to Lane's booth] RORY: Hey, how's the fundraiser going? The turnout looks good. LANE: The turnout's great. Apparently, people are starved for entertainment around here. RORY: Well, hurrah for bad cable reception. LANE: So, I'm sorry, but did I just see you with Jess and Dean, or do I need a new prescription? RORY: Your prescription's fine. LANE: So explain. RORY: Tomorrow at Luke's. I need to get back before there's a more exciting ending to the evening. LANE: Forget nothing. RORY: I promise. [Rory walks back to Jess and Clara. Jess is playing the Bottle Toss game] CLARA: You missed. You missed. You missed. JESS: Hey, you wanna learn how to fly? RORY: How's everybody doing? CLARA: Jess can't throw. JESS: I can, too. CLARA: You missed every time. JESS: I can't concentrate with your annoying midget voice yammering on and on. It's like having Stuart Little shoved in my ear. [Dean walks over and hands Rory and Clara each a snowcone] DEAN: Here. They only had cherry. RORY: Oh, that's all we need. DEAN: So, you play any of the games yet? CLARA: Nope, I've been watching him lose. You don't get a bear, but it's still pretty fun. DEAN: Well, how about I go beat you at ice bowling? CLARA: You can't beat me. DEAN: Oh, I think I can. CLARA: Let's go! DEAN: We'll be back. RORY: Okay. So, how much to play? JESS: A dollar. RORY: Okay. JESS: I got it. RORY: Just for the record, I'm a girl and we are supposed to throw like this. JESS: So you got anything you wanna tell me? RORY: I like your crazy hair. JESS: You weren't just gonna go to the carnival with Dean? RORY: No. Running into them was a total coincidence. I swear. JESS: Okay. RORY: Not even close. JESS: So when did you and Dean get so buddy-buddy again? RORY: We're not so buddy-buddy. JESS: Last time I checked, you weren't even speaking. Now he's fetching you snowcones? RORY: He was getting one for Clara. JESS: You guys talking? RORY: No, we're not talking. We talked, once. JESS: You got my interest. RORY: We ran into each other and he wanted to get coffee, so I did, and we talked. JESS: About? RORY: Just boring things. Clara's horseback riding, his college application, nothing earth shattering. JESS: Uh huh. RORY: And he asked if we could be friends, and I said sure. JESS: Friends? RORY: Jess, he knows we're together, okay? And it's a small town. Dean and I will see it each other, and I just thought it wouldn't hurt to be polite. JESS: So you're just being polite? RORY: Yes. Dean has never done anything bad to me, and I just, I want to JESS: I got it. RORY: You're mad. JESS: Nope, just figured you could've told me. RORY: I'm sorry. JESS: No biggie. You gonna throw that? RORY: You're really not mad? JESS: Nope, not mad at all. RORY: And you understand? JESS: I understand. RORY: And you believe me? JESS: Like you're standing with an ax next to a cherry tree. RORY: And you're okay with it? JESS: Will you just throw the ball? RORY: Oh my God, I did it! JESS: Very impressive. BOY: Here you go, congratulations. [hands her a stuffed bear] RORY: Thanks. Hello sad, pathetic bear. JESS: You know, I could've bought you that thing for a quarter. RORY: No, it's better that I won it. Maybe Clara would like it. JESS: Yes, shoved in her mouth. RORY: She's cute. JESS: Oh, just darling. CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN RICHARD: And so far, knock wood, things seem to be picking up. TRIX: Well, it's about time you went into business. Oh, Emily, you should've encouraged him to do this years ago. EMILY: Yes, I should've. TRIX: He's a go-getter, your father. Not completely dissimilar to yourself. LORELAI: Thank you, Gran. [Sookie walks over to them] SOOKIE: Hello. Just wanted to check and see how your dinner was coming along. LORELAI: Sookie, it's amazing. Gran, this is our chef, Sookie. TRIX: The food is excellent. SOOKIE: Thank you very much. TRIX: Young lady, your uniform has a large cut down the middle of your back. SOOKIE: It does? Oh yeah, I did get myself, huh. EMILY: Sookie, how on earth did you do that? SOOKIE: Oh, well, I. . . and the the chop flew, so I lunged. . .and then the floor slipped. . . and then. . .ooh! You know, and I just. . .did a flip, ya know. I guess you just kind of had to be there. TRIX: Yes, apparently so. SOOKIE: Okay, well, nice to meet you. I have to get back. We have quite a tight schedule to follow. TRIX: Yes, we do. [Sookie walks away] RICHARD: So, Trix, let's talk about the Hartford house. Do you have a new tenant lined up yet? TRIX: Yes, I do. RICHARD: Hmm. Who? TRIX: Me. EMILY: What? TRIX: I wasn't going to bring this up tonight, but since you asked, my health hasn't been too good lately. RICHARD: What, what's the matter? TRIX: What the matter is, I'm not twenty. Anyhow, the weather in London is quite damp, and I have a yearning to be a little closer to my immediate family, so now that Korn has moved out of my house, I thought perhaps I would move back in. LORELAI: Um, when, Gran? TRIX: As soon as I can close up the London house and get my affairs in order. RICHARD: Well, I think that's a wonderful idea. I'm thrilled. In fact, I'm so thrilled, I'm not going to be angry with you for not telling me you were in ill health. TRIX: I will be fine, Richard. RICHARD: You will be fine, because as soon as you're back here, I'm going to send you to the finest doctors. TRIX: Whatever you say. RICHARD: And Emily and I are going to look after you completely, day and night. You can count on us. TRIX: I knew I could. Oh, it's time for the next course. Waiter, our next course please. EMILY: I'm not done. TRIX: What do you mean, you're not done? You had twelve minutes. EMILY: I'm not done. TRIX: Fine, we will wait. [Emily begins to slowly eat the rest of her meal] LORELAI: That'll do, pig. That'll do. CUT TO STARS HOLLOW HIGH [Dean is reading a bulletin board in the hallway] JESS: Need some help with the big words? DEAN: Sure. Why don't you come over here and I'll show you which one's giving me a hard time. JESS: You're getting a little pathetic man. DEAN: Thanks for the heads up. JESS: Let's be friends? DEAN: No thanks. JESS: You don't think I know what you're doing? You don't think it's so pathetically transparent? DEAN: Get out of here, Jess. JESS: Rory's taking pity on you. That's why the sudden interest in being your friend. You know that? DEAN: Whatever you say. JESS: The saddest part of this whole thing is. . . DEAN: Man, you like hearing yourself talk. JESS: You really think that by being her friend, you're gonna get her back. DEAN: I don't know what you're talking about. JESS: No, huh? DEAN: Rory and I are just friends, just like you and Rory were just friends. And hey, look how it turned out for you. [Clara walks out of the bathroom] CLARA: Okay, I'm ready for popcorn. DEAN: You got it. CLARA: Bye Jess. You think Rory wants some popcorn? DEAN: I don't know. Let's go ask her. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai and Rory are sitting on the front porch] RORY: This is very impressive. LORELAI: Not as impressive as my mother making four green beans last an hour and a half. RORY: I wish I'd seen that. LORELAI: When she finally got to the last bean, she cut it in six pieces. I swear, I thought Gran was gonna lunge across the table at her. RORY: The student surpasses the master. LORELAI: I was a little proud. Although I'm bummed I missed the carnival. RORY: There's a snowcone in the freezer for you. LORELAI: How'd it finally end with Cheech and Chong? RORY: Jess knows I'm friends with Dean, Dean knows I'm dating Jess, and they both seem fine with it. What? LORELAI: I just like that once in awhile, you still seem like a little kid. RORY: They do, I swear. LORELAI: Let's just watch the snow.	Plan: A: Lorelai's grandmother; Q: Who moves back to Hartford on Richard's birthday? A: a tizzy; Q: What does Emily get into when Lorelai's grandmother moves back to Hartford? A: Lorelai's advice; Q: What did Emily follow to help her mother-in-law? A: Rory; Q: Who declares war on Francie? A: the Student Council; Q: What group does Francie pull a runaround on Paris with? A: love; Q: What does Paris find herself in after spending Christmas with Jamie's family? A: Christmas vacation; Q: When does Paris fall in love with Jamie? A: Dean; Q: Who does Jess get alone at the carnival and tell he's wise to his plans to get Rory back? A: friends; Q: What do Dean and Rory decide to be again? A: the Stars Hollow High Winter Carnival; Q: What event does Jess initially decline to attend? A: his mind; Q: What does Jess change after he runs into Dean and Clara? A: Clara; Q: Who is Dean's sister? Summary: Lorelai's grandmother arrives in Hartford unexpectedly on Richard's birthday and announces that she's moving back, throwing Emily into a tizzy until she follows Lorelai's advice on how to manage her mother-in-law; Rory declares war on Francie after she pulls a runaround on Paris with the Student Council; Paris finds herself in love after spending Christmas vacation with Jamie's family; after Rory and Dean bump into each other a few times, they decide to be friends again; Jess initially declines Rory's offer to attend the Stars Hollow High Winter Carnival, but changes his mind after they run into Dean and his sister Clara, who invites Rory to join them; Jess gets Dean alone at the carnival and lets him know that he's wise to his plans to get Rory back.
Fade to black. THREE HOURS LATER. Cut to a daytime scene of Syd (still in Julia disguise) running full out through what seems to be a park. She reaches a telephone and dials a number. The line rings, then is answered. The camera pans around Syd and keeps cutting to different angles.) Voice: This line is secure. Sydney (panting): Mountaineer, day code 87865, requesting patch-thru Voice: Connected. Sydney: This is the first time I could call I just got away (Cut to the Ops Center sliding pan to Jack. Scene keeps cutting back and forth between Jack and Sydney, the camera still pans in circles around them in a frantic manner.) Jack: Sydney where are you? Sydney: I'm in Spain. Dad, listen to me they have to activate the transmitter now! I put it on Vaughn he's on a road outside of Ibiza Jack: On Vaughn!? We're supposed to be tracking the biological weapons Sydney: Dad, Vaughn is bleeding to death right now! You have to move! Jack: Hold on (Jack pushes a button on his phone. Cut to Marshall in his office.) Marshall: Flinkman! (Cut to Jack.) Jack: Trigger Sydney's transmitter now! (Cut back to Marshall) Marshall: Yes, sir. (Marshall types furiously at his keyboard. Cut back to Jack.) Jack: And send Weiss after the signal (Cut to Marshall.) Marshall: Okay, I'm on it (Cut back to Jack.) Jack: Marshall's activating it Tell me what happened. (Cut to Sydney.) Sydney: They found Vaughn. They grabbed him. They were gonna put a bullet in his head, so I offered to do it Dad, I stabbed him myself (Cut to Jack.) Jack: Sydney (Cut to Syd, very distressed.) Sydney: I had to! I didn't have any choice! They were gonna kill him! (Cut to Jack.) Jack: I understand. We're tracking the signal now Tell me what happened with the package. (Cut to Sydney.) Sydney: The biological weapons are in a case in Simon's room. (Cut to Jack.) Sydney (voiceover): He told me he was going somewhere with Javier to celebrate the job. (Cut to Sydney.) Sydney: I'm going to break into his room and grab the weapons Jack (voiceover): Sweetheart (Cut to Jack.) Jack: We'll find Vaughn. (Cut to Sydney.) Sydney: Thank you (She hangs up and starts to walk away.) (Cut to a brown van driving up an alley. The camera pans down and we see Sark waiting for the van to stop. It does, and Simon and Javier exit the van. As Simon and Sark approach Sark, Simon asks ) Simon: What's the rush? Sark: Timetable's moved up. That's all you need to know. (Sark turns and opens a briefcase full of money.) Simon: Now, look at that hmm? Now what's more beautiful than that Sark: Perhaps what it pays for (Simon hands Sark a bottle of wine he was carrying.) Simon: Here. Cheers! (Sark opens the bottle and takes a long swig of the red wine.) Sark: Excellent. Biological weapons, please. (Simon hands Javier the case full of money, Javier hands Simon another briefcase. Laying it on the hood of Sark's car, he opens it to expose the canister of the agent.) Sark: You know, it's rare to find people who do their job well. Simon: Well even a thief can take pride in his work, Mr. Sark (Simon closes the suitcase again.) Simon: Hmmm, here (Sark takes the handle of the briefcase.) Sark: Thank you. (Sark turns and goes toward his car. Simon and Javier turn and go toward theirs.) (Cut to Sydney, exiting the elevator on the 22nd floor. She hurries to Simon's door and uses a code scanner to break into his room. She looks around and finds a suitcase sitting under a desk. She takes a pick out of her bracelet and begins to pick the lock on the suitcase. Cut to Simon getting off the elevator and starting to walk toward his room. Cut back to Syd as she continues to pick the lock. Cut back to Simon, in the same hallway as his room. Cut back to Syd as she opens the briefcase to find it empty. She slams the case shut, her eyes wide. Simon walks up to his door and inserts the keycard upside down. The door beeps, doesn't open. Cut to Syd, who looks up the door in a panic. Cut back to Simon as he puts the key card in correctly. As he opens the door and enters the room, we hear water running. The camera pans along the tile floor as we see it littered with black clothing and underwear, to reveal Sydney in the shower, behind a clear but frosted shower curtain. Simon appears slightly surprised, but pleased.) Simon (teasing): You know this is trespassing (Syd sticks her head out the side of the curtain with a smile.) Sydney: Surprise (She sticks her head back inside the shower, turning off the water.) Simon: I was looking for you before where'd you go? (Sydney wraps a towel around herself and exits the shower.) Sydney: Took a walk needed some air. It's not every night I kill someone in the CIA Simon: You know, if he was CIA he certainly wasn't doing his job very well We already made the exchange. (Cut to Sydney's face. She's clearly disappointed.) Sydney: The Covenant already picked up the weapons? (Simon puts down the briefcase and pulls out some of the money.) Simon: And... They made payment (Simon hands three or four packs of bills to Sydney. She takes them and smiles. Simon looks at her longingly as she stands there dripping wet in only a towel.) Simon (not looking up from her body): This is horrible Sydney: What? Simon (meeting her eyes): Well, we're flying later in the morning I never wanted to leave a place less, you know that, don't you? Sydney: I thought the exchange was tomorrow. Simon: They moved up their schedule. (Simon relatches the briefcase of money while Sydney, behind him, looks very unhappy. He goes to the closet to grab his bag.) Sydney: When am I going to see you again? I have so many questions Simon: Bout what? Sydney: Everything (Syd gives Simon a little seductive smile.) Simon: Oh, yeah well we work well together, and I have your number; there's always going to be another job coming up I'll call you. (Simon leans in to kiss her. It takes a split second, and then Sydney smiles back.) Simon: Feel free to use the room (As he turns to go.) Sydney: Thanks (Off Sydney's look of disappointment and shock, to Aerial scene of barren mountains. Cut to two Chevy Blazers skidding to a halt on a dirt road.) Weiss: We're on the signal; we're tracking him now. (Weiss gets out of the Blazer and starts making his way up a hill. The beeper buzzes quickly.) Weiss: Vaughn! (Cut to Vaughn's body, lying motionless a short distance away.) Weiss: Oh, God ! I got him! I need a medic! (Weiss races up the hill and skids to his knees beside Vaughn.) Another Agent: Medic! Weiss (more urgent now): I need a medic! (The medic runs toward Weiss and Vaughn. The medic starts cutting away Vaughn's bloody shirt.) Weiss: We found him. He's in bad shape. They're working on him now (Cut back to medic applying a bandage to Vaughn's stab wound and feeling his jugular for a pulse. The whole side of Vaughn's face is bloody. Cut to Black. End of Act One.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Scene opens with Vaughn in a hospital bed, breathing tube sticking out of his mouth. Lauren sits on a chair next to him, waiting. Cut to several scenes of her pacing, soothing his brow, holding his hand. Vaughn is still unconscious.) (Cut to an elevator door opening. It's Sydney. She steps out and starts walking just as Lauren rounds the corner.) Sydney: How is he? Lauren: I don't know. No one does. Critical, but stable is the official term. Sydney: Is he awake? Lauren: No. He was hypoxic. He lost oxygen when the stab wound collapsed his lung. They call it tension pneumothorax, which means they don't know if he's suffered brain damage. (Lauren looks as if she's holding back tears. Cut to Sydney. She doesn't look much better. A look comes over her face; she knows she has to tell Lauren the truth.) Sydney: Lauren? I know that you've been generally briefed, but I need to explain the details myself so that you'll know how this happened. (Lauren nods, grief evident on her face. Her eyes are watery. Cut back to Sydney, who looks so very sorry for what she is about to tell Lauren.) Sydney: A member of Walker's team caught Michael I still don't know how. Walker ID'd him as CIA (Cut to Lauren) Lauren (cutting Sydney off): and stabbed him and left him for dead I already know all this; it's in the briefing. Thank you. (Cut to Sydney) Sydney: Lauren (almost a whisper now) that's not (She shakes her head, pursing her lips to hold back her emotions) Walker had a gun to Michael's head. He was about to pull the trigger. I took his knife (grief is written all over Sydney's face) I stabbed him myself. (Cut to Lauren) Lauren (her face goes from stunned disbelief to horror): You!? (Cut to Sydney) Sydney (her eyes begging Lauren to understand): Yes, Walker was gonna murder him (Cut to Lauren) Lauren (horrified and disbelieving): so you stabbed him!? (Cut to Sydney) Sydney (looks away for a moment and then back): I had no choice. It was the only thing I could do to save Michael's life (Cut to Lauren) Lauren (sarcastically): Really (Cut to Sydney) Sydney (looks hurt, she thought Lauren would believe her, would understand): You can not think that I would have chosen to hurt him ever (Cut to Lauren) Lauren (tears still in her eyes, bitter): Michael might never wake up from this! (Cut to Sydney. She's trying to hold back her emotion. She can't believe Lauren thinks she hurt Vaughn on purpose. The pain reflects in her eyes. Cut to Lauren. She is shocked, and looks betrayed, also tears cling to her lashes. Before either of them can say anything else, both their beepers go off. We see each of them has gotten the same message: 47911.) (Cut to JTF Conference Room. We see a close up of a satellite photograph.) Dixon: At 4:30 GMT, an imaging satellite picked up the heat signature of a small aircraft flying a tactical profile. (Cut to Lauren. She's looking off to the side in thought, apparently about Vaughn, and then shoots a hurtful, angry look at Sydney. Cut to Sydney. At first, she doesn't realize Lauren's looking at her, but as the stare continues, Sydney makes eye contact. She sees Lauren's expression and gets a closed I don't care what you think' look on her face. Cut back to Dixon talking) The national reconnaissance office tracked it to a maximum security facility in the Ural Mountains, where it flew multiple passes, deploying some kind of a biological weapon. Sydney: The weapon Sark picked up in Spain? Dixon: Most likely. (Cut to Sydney's reaction to this news. She's not happy, looks down at her lap.) Dixon: Echelon intercepts between the responding emergency teams indicate that the entire prison population 300 guards 500 prisoners died within minutes. Lauren: There were no survivors? Weiss: No, there was one. Sydney: One!? Weiss: Yeah. (Dixon puts up a photo of a black man dressed in military garb.) Lauren (recognizes him): Abasi Bomani. Weiss: Right. And as we all know, Bomani's become the largest arms dealer in Africa. Dixon: When authorities realized a biological weapon had been deployed, they called in the HAZMAT team to secure the facility. (Dixon shows a photo of two men dressed in HAZMAT suits on either side of Bomani. Dixon focuses in on the face of one of the HAZMAT men. It's Sark.) Sydney: Sark. Weiss: Bomani was last seen being escorted to a decontamination unit. That's all we know. Sydney: How did Bomani survive? Marshall: Actually If I may I could, uh, shed some light on the situation as usual Dixon (reproachful): Marshall? Marshall (gulps): Basically, uh, Sark was able to combine an Ebola strain with the bioweapon that he'd had stolen from Spain. Now we believe that the Covenant tailored the bioweapon to kill everybody except the person whose genetic profile was encoded into the virus. Sydney: In this case, Bomani. Marshall (excited and impressed): Yeah. I mean the whole thing's pretty cool (Dixon gives Marshall a look) Marshall (abashed): in a sick horrible way. Lauren: Sloane is attending an NPO conference in Mexico City. I have a briefing scheduled with him the day after tomorrow. Sydney: I'm still catching up What did Sloane have to do with this? (She asked the question to Dixon, but Lauren answers.) Lauren: Sloane gave us the intel that led to Bomani's arrest. The subsequent dismantling of his terror network wasn't simply one of the reasons we agreed to pardon Sloane it was the predominant reason. He might have a lead. Dixon: Sydney, you'll accompany Lauren to Mexico. That's it. (Lauren is still giving Sydney dirty looks. She's very unthrilled about the prospect of spending time alone with her.) (Cut to Sydney, talking to Jack in a corner of the JTF.) Sydney: She thinks I stabbed Vaughn by choice that I could have done something else; that it was payback Jack: When someone's spouse is critically hurt or killed, rational thought takes time. Sydney: I know Jack: Tell me about Simon Walker. At the moment, he's the only connection we have to your missing two years. We can't squander this opportunity. Did he say anything else to explain how he knew you as Julia? Sydney: When he caught me in his room, he just gave me the money and left. He didn't say where he was going, just that he'd call me when another job came up. Jack: Another job I'll contact Walker myself, posing as a client. I'll spec out a job. He'll assemble his team and we'll take them into custody. Once we have them, you and I will have a face to face with Mr. Walker and find out everything he knows about Julia. Sydney about Vaughn you know you did the right thing. Sydney: Thanks. (Cut jet flying at night. Sydney walks up the aisle to sit across from Lauren. Both are uncomfortable, not wanting to look at the other. Finally, Sydney braves a look and says ) Sydney (carefully conciliatory): Dixon told me about Michael that he's off the ventilator. That's important. Lauren (still not looking at Sydney, her voice is filled with anguish): They're keeping him in an induced coma for 36 hours to minimize the chance of brain damage. (Sydney looks aghast. Lauren finally looks at her, still pained, angry, anguished.) Lauren: Look obviously it was your intention to save Michael's life. I understand that. (Cut to Sydney's reaction and then back to Lauren.) Lauren: But I'm gonna be honest with you When I heard you were back, I felt threatened and I hated myself for that because I sympathize with you with everything you've gone through. But working together like this the stakes of this job is just too high and I don't know about you, but I can't work to the best of my abilities while wondering whether or not I'm being polite enough to my husband's ex-girlfriend. (Cut to Sydney) Sydney (earnestly): You don't need to be polite with me. We're both past formalities (Cut to Lauren) Lauren (a hardness creeps into her features now she's allowing more of her anger to show): Then I'll be blunt. I want you to request a transfer to another field office. (Cut to Sydney. This suggestion wounds her; it shows in her eyes and face.) Sydney: Lauren, everyone I know all of the people I have left in my life, my friends, my (it almost looks as if she's thinking of Vaughn here before she says) father work at that office. (Cut to Lauren. For a moment, it seems as if the appeal has touched her, but then she steels herself. She doesn't want to sympathize with Sydney at the moment. She wants her peace of mind more.) Lauren (slightly snippy): I thought it best if the request came from you. (she looks away, lips pursed.) (Cut to Sydney. Her eyes widen. She can't believe what she's hearing.) Sydney: I know we're being blunt but was that a threat!? (Lauren turns back to make eye contact, but doesn't answer. Sydney's features harden and her voice hardens, too.) Sydney: You don't have the authority to have me transferred. (Cut to Lauren) Lauren: The NSC will support me when they learn that our working together is compromising their fight against the Covenant. (Cut to Sydney's reaction. She raises her chin slightly, defiant. Cut back to an intense looking Lauren.) Lauren: If you don't make the call; I will. (Cut to Sydney's reaction pain, mixed with stubbornness. Cut to black.) (PARIS. Push through the A. Pan to a walking bridge over a street at night. Simon Walker leans against the handrail, waiting. Jack, dressed in all black, a black peacoat and rimless classes (which make him look studious), approaches. This scene cuts back and forth between the two as they talk.) Walker: Scuse me, mate You got the time? Jack (in a German accent): My watch is broken; never buy American. Walker: So tell me Mr. Warner, how'd you learn to contact me? Jack: We have a mutual acquaintance Julia Thorne. Walker: Really? Oh, I love her Jack: Yes. Walker: So, what's the gig? Jack: A fuel cell automobile has been designed in Japan. The prototype was placed in a cargo freighter it left Niigata this morning, bound for Hong Kong. I want you to steal it. Walker: Sexy. Jack: How long will it take you to put your team together? Walker: Well the question is, can you afford for me to put my team together? Jack: Don't concern yourself with my finances. I wouldn't have come to you if I couldn't overpay Walker: Nobody ever overpays with me. Jack: Yes. Julia says you're the best. Walker: I'll contact you regarding the price and the location of our next meeting. And well, you know, I'll need all the specs regarding the shipment Jack: Naturally Walker: Cheers. Jack: Good night. (Walker turns and walks off. Jack watches him for a moment before turning to leave also. Suddenly, the screen turns black and white as a still photo is taken of him. Cut to Javier, hidden in the shadows, taking pictures. The first picture has half Jack's face in shadow. Javier watches Jack walk and takes a closer shot of his face. Cut to black.) (MEXICO CITY. Push through the X. A daytime scene of the city. Cut to front desk of an office building.) Clerk: Sign in please. (She slides a sign in book across the desk toward Sydney and Lauren, both still looking tense. Sydney signs in, then slides the book to Lauren.) Lauren: We're here to see Arvin Sloane. (Signs the book, slides it back to the clerk.) Clerk: Oh! Perfect timing he's just arriving. (Cut to view through the front plate glass window of the building. We see Sloane and bodyguard approaching. Behind Sloane's Mercedes on the other side of the street, a silver van is parked. Cut to Lauren and Sydney. They turn and watch Sloane's approach. Cut back to Sloane. He does this little salute with his hand as he sees them. A man walks into the frame. Cut to the man. He's large, wearing a trenchcoat. He pulls out a rifle and shoots out the glass window, then shoots Sloane's bodyguard. Lauren ducks down while Sydney watches. Sark climbs out of the silver van and shoots Sloane's driver. The first gunman runs to Sloane.) Gunman: Get in the van! (Cut to Sydney. She starts running after them. Cut back to Sloane as he's hurried into the van. Cut back to Sydney running toward the blown out window, gun drawn. Cut to the inside of the van as Sloane is seated. He looks to his right: it's Bomani, and he doesn't look happy. Sloane sighs as he's buckled in. The gunman slides the van's door shut and starts to climb into the front passenger side. Cut to Sydney. She takes aim and shoots him. The van drives off without him. Sydney runs into the street, shooting at the van as it drives away. She bends over, catching her breath, disappointed they're getting away. Suddenly, the black Mercedes screeches to a halt next to her. The passenger door is flung open. It's Lauren in the driver's seat.) Lauren: Get in! (Sydney does a double take and then gets in and slams the door shut as Lauren screeches off in pursuit of the van. Cut to street chase. Cut to Lauren's determined face, full of concentration as she weaves through the traffic at a high rate of speed. Cut to Sydney, she doesn't take her eyes off their prey.) Sydney: Have you done this before? (Cut to a side shot of both of them. Lauren is still fully focused on her task.) Lauren: I cross-trained at the Farm. Sydney (looking at her): Are you field-rated? Lauren (a split second pause, and then): No. (Sydney gives Lauren a worried glance. Cut to view out of their car at the van they're pursuing as it swerves around traffic in front of them. Cut to Sydney's face the look she's wearing is very reminiscent of the one Vaughn wore during Sydney's high speed drive through Zurich to get to the bank in A Free Agent. Cut back to van and then the car in pursuit. Cut to the interior of the van to Bomani's face. Pan over to Sloane.) Sloane: Azari you're thinking that I'm responsible for your imprisonment, but (Bomani viciously elbows Sloane in the head and then goes back to sitting as he never moved. Scary-looking look on his face. Cut back to the van and the Mercedes in pursuit. Sydney's cell phone rings. She answers it.) Walker (voiceover): Julia! (Sydney is surprised.) Sydney: Simon! (Cut to Simon Walker.) Walker: I've got another job for us (Cut back to Sydney in the middle of the car chase.) Sydney: That's great. (Sydney gives Lauren a sideways glance. Lauren does the same to Sydney. Cut back to Simon.) Walker (laughing): You sound distracted (Cut back to Sydney.) Sydney: I'm kind of in the middle of something (Cut to the van and the car chasing it, then back to Simon.) Walker: Look, are you available for another job? (Cut back to Sydney.) Sydney: For you, I am always available Lauren (indignant): Excuse me! Can't that wait!? Sydney: Simon, can I call you back? (Cut to Simon.) Walker: Sure, baby okay. (He hangs up.) (Cut back to Sydney and Lauren. Cut to the interior of the van. The driver looks in the rearview mirror.) Driver: They're gaining on us Sark: Tell the chase car to take them out. (Cut to the van screeching around a corner, the Mercedes following them. Another black car is following Lauren and Sydney's car. Cut to interior of Sydney and Lauren's car. Lauren is looking in the rearview mirror.) Sydney: Don't look in the mirror. All that matters is what's directly in front of us! Lauren: I think there's somebody back there (Both women react as the rear window blows out. Both women look back for a moment, and then Lauren has to make a quick swerve around some traffic as they screech around a corner. The tail car is close behind, the man in the passenger's side is firing a pistol out the window at them. Cut to the three cars as they screech onto a side street. The man in the trailing car shoots at Sydney and Lauren again. They duck. Sitting up, Sydney puts a new clip in her pistol and says urgently ) Sydney: Put on the brakes! Lauren: What!? Sydney: Hit the brakes and cut right, now! (Cut to the car as it swerves in a circle. Sydney shoots at the trailing car as their car spins, taking out the driver of the other car. The other car crashes into a parked car on the street.) Sydney (to Lauren as their car stops spinning): Go! Go! Go! Go! (Cut to Lauren's face. She's getting a huge charge out of this car chase. The excitement shows on her face as she bites her lip. Cut to the van, followed by the Mercedes. Cut back to the driver of the van in the mirror.) Driver: They're still coming Bomani: Through the alley go! (Cut to the van as it swerves toward the alley. A delivery truck is backing up, partially blocking their way. Cut to Sydney and Lauren.) Sydney: There's no room Lauren: We can make it Sydney: We're blocked off! Lauren: No. Sydney: We're blocked Go around! (Sydney braces as Lauren squeezes the Mercedes into the alley past the truck. Sydney is flinching, closing her eyes she can't look. Cut to Lauren. She's pumped up. One could say she was enjoying this. Sydney looks at her like, Holy crap! Cut to in front of the van. It pulls through another tight spot and a Blazer pulls in the other direction, blocking the street. Cut to Sydney and Lauren's reaction as they have to screech to a halt. Sydney lets out a deep breath. Lauren is pissed that they got away.) Lauren: Damn it! (Sydney looks at her, a bit surprised at her outburst (personally, I thought it sounded just like something Sydney would do), then looks out the window as the dust swirls around them. Cut to black. End of Act Two.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Black screen.) Bomani (voiceover): I thought we were partners. (Cut to Sark as he turns on a lightswitch and the room is bathed in light. Stay on Sark as he crosses his arms and listens.) Bomani (voiceover): I thought we had an association. (Cut to Bomani, his face in shadow. He walks forward so that the light cascades over his face.) Bomani: I was wrong. (Cut to Sloane shackled to a torture chair. He has two cuts on his forehead and one on his cheek from where Bomani cuffed him in the van. He looks wrinkled, but he still has the signature poker face as he listens to Bomani talk. Cut back to Bomani.) Bomani: One day, when I was a boy in Juha Town, the tanks came. The soldiers rounded up and killed all the men, raped the women. My mother, Mr. Sloane, was raped and then she was killed in front of me in front of my brothers. My oldest brother threatened me insisted I do nothing, but he he couldn't help himself. He tried to fight them. The soldiers, they cut off his arm. Imagine it for me, watching your mother get raped, watching her cut screaming Can you even begin to do that? (Cut to Sloane, still looking up at Bomani with the same inscrutable look on his face.) Bomani (voiceover): I swore that I would never be powerless again. (Behind Sloane, we hear Bomani pick up some kind of sword. Sloane's expression seems to increasingly become one of sorrow, whether for Bomani's story or otherwise, we cannot tell.) Bomani (voiceover): That I would do anything to protect my family. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to Sark, still standing against the wall next to the lightswitch, arms crossed, listening. He looks over at Bomani, and the camera pans over to him. He's holding a machete in his hands, fingering the blade.) Bomani: And that anyone who got in the way of that, would suffer the same fate as my brother. (A henchman pushes up the sleeve of Sloane's right arm, exposing his forearm. Pan up to Sloane's face.) Sloane: Yes, I turned you in, as you would have done me. (Cut to Bomani. He fingers the blade, starts walking in a circle as he listens to what Sloane says.) Sloane (voiceover): Why? To obtain what you now need: legitimacy. (Cut to Sloane, making his case.) Sloane: In a nutshell, Mr. Bomani, I could help you become more powerful than ever. (Focus on Bomani. His back is to us. He looks over his shoulder at Sloane. Cut to Sloane's poker face. Cut back to Bomani. Suddenly, Bomani viciously swings the machete downward, but before we see it's target cut to black.) (Cut to LA by day. Low flyover an office building. Cut to JTF. Dixon stands talking to Lauren and Sydney.) Dixon: Sloane is responsible for Bomani's imprisonment, Sark breaks Bomani out of jail, and the first thing they do is get Sloane. Sydney: Hopefully, Bomani's got his revenge and Sloane is either in incredible pain or dead. Dixon (to both Sydney and Lauren): I want a full options briefing in my office one hour. (He turns and walks away.) Sydney (to Lauren): You start with your contacts in Washington; I'll check with Strategic Services (She starts to walk away.) Lauren: Sydney (Sydney stops and turns, bracing herself. She isn't sure what Lauren wants.) Lauren: What I said about requesting you transferred to another field office it wasn't my place. And it's it's hard; but I'd really like this to work. (Sydney's touched.) Sydney: I appreciate you saying that. (Sydney gives Lauren a little smile. Lauren returns the smile. Sydney turns to go and Lauren reschools her features to be more businesslike, watching her leave.) (Cut to Vaughn, lying in his hospital bed, unconscious. We remain focused on him as we see him stir and finally open his eyes. He looks to his right, focusing on something. He lets out a little sigh.) Vaughn (whispering): Syd (Cut to Sydney, leaning on her elbow, head in hand, asleep in the chair next to Vaughn's bedside. She stirs and opens her eyes to stare at Vaughn in almost disbelief.) Vaughn (whispering, voiceover): Hi Sydney: Oh, my God (Cut back to Vaughn. He looks happy and relieved to see her. Cut back to Sydney. She gets up from her seat to sit on the bed next to him.) Sydney (breathless with worry): Vaughn (Cut to Vaughn. He almost smiles.) Vaughn (whispering): Where am I? (Cut to Sydney's stricken face. She shakes her head lightly.) Sydney: You're home. (Cut back to Vaughn's face. He nods. A ghost of a smile plays at his mouth. Love radiates from his eyes. With a touch of humor, he raises his eyebrows and says ) Vaughn: You stabbed me (Cut to Sydney. Her face is full of grief and sorrow.) Sydney: Sorry I had no choice; Walker would have killed you (Cut to Vaughn.) Vaughn: I know. (He nods. Their eyes meet in understanding. Cut to Sydney. She looks down for a moment and then back to his face. Her eyes are practically brimming with tears.) Sydney (as if trying to convince herself): You're okay (Vaughn nods. Cut back to Sydney.) Sydney: I was so afraid I'd lost you (Vaughn raises a hand to cup the side of Sydney's face tenderly.) Vaughn (whispering): I'm right here (Cut back to Sydney. She is barely holding back tears as his hand caresses her face. She turns her face into his palm. Cut back to Vaughn. He's smiling tenderly and love just radiates from his eyes.) Sydney (half sobbing, voiceover): Leaving you like that (Cut to Sydney's face as Vaughn lets his hand drop from her face, sliding through her hair.) Sydney (sobbing harder): not knowing if I'd ever see you again made me realize how much I miss you! (Cut to Vaughn's face. He swallows. Pain mixes in with the love in his eyes.) Vaughn (whispering): I miss you, too. (Cut to Sydney's face. She looks as if she can't believe he's said it, still almost crying.) Sydney: You do? (Cut to Vaughn. He's staring deeply into Sydney's eyes as he nods. The pain, love, and longing in his eyes is palpable. He raises his head from the pillow towards her as she leans down toward him. They kiss tenderly. Sydney starts trailing kisses down Vaughn's cheek to his neck, and then we hear Sydney's movements as she stabs Vaughn again. He groans in reaction. Cut to a wider angle from behind Sydney as she stands and removes the knife from his stomach. It's the same knife she used to stab him with the first time. Blood drips from the knife and there is a blood spot on his hospital gown where she's stabbed him. Vaughn's face registers his complete disbelief as he looks up at Sydney, now standing above him. Cut to Sydney's face. She's stricken, angry, vengeful.) Sydney (in a half whisper): How could you do this to me? (Smash cut to Vaughn waking up with a start. He's breathing hard. He looks to his right. Cut to Lauren, sitting exactly where Sydney was in his dream. She looks immensely relieved and worried. She puts out a hand to him.) Lauren (breathlessly): Hi (Cut to Vaughn. He looks disoriented, as if he's shocked to find Lauren at his bedside instead of Sydney. For a moment, he looks as if he has no idea who she is. Lauren sits down on his bedside, holding his hand. His eyes focus on her, but he looks confused. Cut to Lauren.) Lauren: Sweetheart You're okay. (Cut back to Vaughn. He seems to let out a breath he was holding. Cut back to Lauren as tears pool in her eyes.) Lauren (uncertainly): Do you remember me? (Cut back to Vaughn. Finally it appears his brain has caught up with what he's seeing and it makes sense. He nods slightly.) Vaughn (whispering): Of course. (Cut back to Lauren, looking very relieved.) Lauren: Thank God! (Cut to Vaughn. He smiles tenderly at Lauren. There's love in his eyes here too, but the magnitude is not the same as what we just saw when he was with Sydney in his dream. Cut to Lauren as she bends down, laying her head on his chest. Vaughn wraps an arm around her protectively. The camera pans up from Lauren, lying contentedly with her eyes closed on his chest up to Vaughn's face. It's obvious he's not focused on Lauren. Instead, he has a very troubled look on his face, obviously thinking about his dream about Sydney. Cut to black. End of Act Three.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Aerial shot of LA by day. Cut to JTF. Marshall jogs up behind Sydney.) Marshall: Hey, Syd! (Sydney looks over her shoulder and then slows down, allowing Marshall to catch up with her.) Sydney: Marshall! Hey Marshall: Hi Sydney: I'm going to the hospital. Vaughn's awake. Marshall: I know It's best news ever Listen, I was hoping you could tell him that the topical application of magnets can influence the electrochemical processes of the human body Sydney: And he needs to know this now why? Marshall: Ooh, sorry (pokes himself in the head) duh doi varied belief Well, it's for pain relief. Having a collapsed lung really can't be the most comfortable sit (From another hallway, Weiss approaches them, interrupting, handing Sydney a folder) Weiss: Syd, you're not going to believe this They found Sloane; his plane just landed in Van Nuys. They've taken him to our facility in Riverside. He's asking to speak with you. (Sydney gives Marshall a look and then starts to leave.) Marshall (as if he's keeping some big secret): Oh, uh let's not tell Mr. Sloane about the magnets ? (Weiss and Sydney turn to look at Marshall as if he's lost his mind and then continue on. Cut back to Marshall, who looks like he thinks he's just put something big over on Sloane.) (Cut to the battered Sloane sitting at a black conference table. He looks up as he hears the door to the room open. Cut to Sydney stalking in. She takes several steps into the room before she even gives a passing glance to Sloane. She keeps walking, saying to Lauren as she passes her to sit down ) Sydney: What have I missed? (Cut to Sloane.) Sloane: I was just thanking Ms. Reed for the attempted rescue. I appreciate your efforts a great deal. (Cut to Sydney, now sitting next to Lauren across the conference table from Sloane.) Sydney: Did you escape? (Cut to Sloane.) Sloane (slightly amused): No, Mr. Bumani let me go. (Cut to Sydney and Lauren. Lauren gives Sydney a sideways glance that says, Are you buying this crap?) Sydney (unbelieving, sarcastic): He let you go ? He just let you walk right out the door? (Lauren looks from Sydney to Sloane, as if waiting to assess his response. Cut to Sloane.) Sloane: Yes. (Cut to Sydney. She doesn't get it. But then her expression changes slightly hardens.) Sydney: What did you offer him? (Cut to Sloane.) Sloane: Well, I gave him information that eventually I was going to share with you (This is directed at Sydney; he's looking right at her.) (Cut to Lauren. She seems slightly startled and then gives Sydney a sideways glance. Cut to Sydney's face, which is unchanged..disbelieving, skeptical.) Sloane (voiceover): My contacts within the Japanese mob (Cut to Sloane.) Sloane: the Yakuza, have developed the first AI computer virus. It probes networks, analyzes systems, and then writes itself, creates its own subviruses. In the wrong hands, it can crash markets, destroy banks, shut down transportation, bring military installations to a halt. (Cut to Sydney.) Sloane: You're telling us you gave this information to a man who is working with the Covenant. (Cut to Sloane) Sloane: That's right and now I'm giving it to you. So that you you can disable it before the Covenant gets it. (Cut to Sydney and Lauren. The camera first focuses on Sydney and then on Lauren.) Sloane (voiceover): And I mean disable it, not destroy it (Cut to Sloane) Sloane: Because if Bomani comes to the Yakuza facility in Osaka and finds the virus has been destroyed, he will know I tipped you off and have me killed. Sydney Lauren my life is in your hands (Sloane almost looks as if he's playing a game of chess here like he's already six plays ahead in his head.) (Cut to Sydney. She looks down. She can't believe Sloane's nerve. Cut to Lauren.) Lauren: You've told Bomani you'd work for the Covenant? (Cut to Sloane. He's enjoying this.) Sloane: Yes And now I'm telling you that I'm in the position to be a double agent. Working for the Covenant but loyal to the CIA What is it, Sydney? (Cut to Sydney. She has a sarcastic smile on her face.) Sydney: This is classic (Cut to Sloane, grinning across the table at Sydney, amused with her response.) Sloane: Don't take my word for it Let Marshall analyze the video he's making of me right now Why don't you (Cut to a strangely colored, almost heat-signature colored video. Sloane's voice sounds tinny and metallic.) Sloane: examine the lie detector that you're running on my voice. I'm telling you he'll verify that I am telling the God's honest truth. (Pan from Sloane's weirdly colored image to Marshall, who puts the video on hold. They are in the JTF conference room.) Marshall: Now as far as our technology can detect and these are Next Gen tests, as high-end as it gets he's not lyin', folks. Sydney: If there's someone who can fool those tests, it's Sloane. Marshall: Yeah, well in theory yes but in practice, he'd really have to be using the Next Gen's Next Gen lie detector defeating tech, which frankly, even I can't imagine. Weiss: So, what do we do here? We trust Sloane on this or what? Lauren: The position of the NSC is that we accept Sloane's proposal and use him as a double agent within the Covenant. Sydney: Okay just so someone has said it In the past two years, Sloane has obtained a pardon based mainly on the capture of a criminal who is now free. In addition, Sloane will be allowed to openly participate in Covenant activities, based on the promise that he will inform us of those activities. One could argue that he's just pulled off the con job of the century. Lauren: It also appears that Bomani will kill Sloane if we interfere with his plans Sydney: And who here would lose sleep over that!? Lauren: The US Government would then have lost its most valuable source of underworld intelligence. Sydney: The fact that Arvin Sloane holds all the cards in this scenario is giving me a migraine. (Cut to Weiss. He snorts a little at Sydney's response.) Dixon: According to Sloane, Sark and Bomani are on their way to a Yakuza run casino in Osaka, where they will download the virus from a secure server. (Looking at Sydney) Marshall will provide you with a program that will rewrite the virus, and render it unuseful. (Cut to Marshall, raising his hand to interrupt.) Marshall: I sorry, uh, to interrupt I did say that I could that but not if I haven't seen the code, which means I'm goin' on another mission! (He grins widely at Dixon, then recovers.) Uh, if you sanction it, that is. Dixon: I'll have Strategic Services devise a scenario for you both to access the server. Marshall: Uh, actually another suggestion for the (imitates putting a slip of paper in a drop box) CIA Suggestion Box which, I uh is a great idea Dixon: Marshall. Marshall: Sorry. Um (clears throat) What I was thinking is a sure fire way to get invited into the back room of a Yakuza casino ? Get caught cheating at gambling Now I have a little something here (he pulls a deck of cards out of his blazer pocket) This'll give us an example (Dixon is getting impatient.) of what I mean. Now, (Cut to Lauren, she appears amused with Marshall.) In high school (Marshall displays a picture of himself in high school on the monitor sporting a horrifically large mullet haircut) by applying the methodology of statistical probability (Marshall shuffles the cards and starts laying out blackjack hands on the table), accounting of course for the continuous random variable of luck, to come up with a fairly effective card-counting technique. (Turning to Weiss) Now, you know how to deal a hand of blackjack? Weiss (a bit sarcastically): Yes Marshall. Marshall: Go ahead and deal one for yourself. Okay, (raising hand, joking) can I get a cocktail? Uh hit there, hit me there, stick there, uh, hit me twice here, double down there (louder in announcement voice) Double down! (back to normal voice), stick hit me once there. Okay, now you're gonna have a face card under there go ahead and turn that over. Yep that gives you seventeen Look at that! I've won nine times Weiss (impressed): Heh wow. Marshall: I had a lot of free time in high school. (Looks around, embarrassed.) (Cut to Lauren and Sydney exiting the conference room together.) Lauren: Michael's doctor's expecting he'll be released tomorrow if there's time before you go, you should go and see him. I know he'd like that. Sydney: Thank you. I don't know if there will be, but thank you. Lauren: When you get back then. (She nods and gives Sydney a little smile before walking away. Pan to Sydney, watching her walk away.) (Cut to Javier Perez rounding a corner, removing his sunglasses.) Javier: Thank you for meeting me. (Cut to Sark, his back to Javier, looking out a doorway. Sark turns as Javier addresses him.) Sark: Please after your excellent work in Spain, you more than deserve the courtesy. Unfortunately, we have to be brief. I'm catching a plane to Osaka. Javier: We've taken on a new client. He says his name is Gilbert Warner. Corporate and personal tax returns confirm he's the CEO of Rogers Automotive (Hands Sark a folder.) but he knows how to lose a tail. I think he's a pro. I'd like some more detailed background. Would you mind running a check? (Sark opens the folder to the black and white photograph of Jack.) Sark: I don't believe I have to (Sark looks up at Javier. Javier looks back at him, confused. Cut back to Sark.) Sark: His name is Jack Bristow. He's CIA. (Cut to black. End of Act Four.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Open to a night scene with a large building by a river. LE HAVRE, FRANCE. Cut to inside an empty building with square columns and spotlights illuminating the floor here and there. There is a small table in the middle of the room and two men standing on either side of it. Jack turns a small laptop to face Simon Walker on the other side of the table. Jack is back in his German carmaker's alias.) Jack: Type in your account password and within 90 seconds you will receive confirmation of an electronic transfer in the amount of three million dollars Simon: Heh. (Simon bends down and begins to type but then looks back up. Jack is staring at him.) Simon: You don't mind if I ask you to look away Jack: Of course not (He turns his head. We focus in on the computer screen. Simon types in his password to transfer the $3 million and hits enter. The transfer begins. Just then, Simon's phone starts to ring. He looks up at Jack and smiles. Putting a hand inside his jacket, he says ) Simon: Excuse me. (Jack smiles and nods accommodatingly. Simon puts in an earpiece and answers the phone.) Simon: Yeah. (Cut and pan to Javier, sitting in a car talking on his cell phone.) Javier: The man you're standing with is a CIA operative. His name is Jack Bristow, and I hope you appreciate (Cut to Simon listening. His expression hasn't changed) Javier (voiceover): hearing this as much as I do telling you (Cut to Jack, starting to get nervous but trying not to show it.) Javier (voiceover): his daughter Sydney Bristow, also CIA, (Cut back to Javier in the car.) Javier: goes by an alias Julia Thorne. (Cut back to Simon. He's playing along for Jack's benefit.) Simon: Great news, mate! Mr. Warner will be happy to hear it! (Simon turns off his phone and takes out his earpiece. Cut to Jack.) Jack: Hear what? Simon: The team's been assembled. Jack: Ah. Simon: As soon the money's transferred, we're in business. (Simon smiles at him, Jack smiles back, albeit uncomfortably. He's thinking something is up, but he's not sure what yet.) Simon: While we're waiting You haven't told me how you met Julia. Were you like, uh like lovers or something? (Jack pauses for a moment. There is just the slightest clenching of his jaw.) Jack: No, not exactly Simon: I asked if you were lovers, because if you ever get the chance I highly recommend it. (Just a touch of hardness drips into his voice here. The look on his face is slightly steelier, as if he's testing Jack.) Jack: Do you? Simon (trying to keep his voice light, but still playing with Jack, taunting him): Oh yeah, man On a scale of one to ten, ten being the most degenerate displays of sexual theater known to man? (sucks in his breath as if savoring the thought) Huh Julia's like a 17! (Jack keeps the polite smile on his face, but we see him swallow painfully, as if trying to keep from snapping this guy's neck. His eyes are harder now, though.) Jack: You have your money. (He closes the laptop and picks it up. Simon puts out a hand.) Simon: As soon as the job's done, we'll be in contact. (They shake hands. Jack turns to walk toward his car, parked about 20 feet away. Simon turns to walk away also. He unbuttons his blazer, pulling a gun out of his waistband. He turns around to fire at Jack but finds that Jack was ready for him. Jack shoots Simon in the chest and he collapses to the ground. Simon writhes on the ground, blood dripping from his mouth and his wound. He looks at his bloody hand in disbelief.) Simon (in disbelief): You shot me You shot me? You bstrd! (Jack puts the laptop back on the desk and walks closer to him.) Jack: Listen to me very closely. You're dying. Right now, I'm the only one who can get you to a hospital in time. Tell me about Julia where you met her, how you knew her. Simon: I wasn't kidding...bout screwing your daughter She's the wildest girl I ever had Jack: Tell me about Julia if you want to live. Simon: You want to know .how she likes it!? (Simon turns over suddenly with the intention of shooting Jack, but Jack beats him to it, shooting him again. Simon's dead. Jack stares down at the body, working his jaw furiously. Cut to black.) (OSAKA. Push through the first A. Aerial night scene of the city. Cut to scenes of slot machines, craps tables, cards, a roulette wheel, an Asian man wearing sunglasses, an Asian woman dealing cards, blackjack, chips. The camera slides along the floor, showing us different tables in a smoky, dimly lit room. Pan to the entrance. Marshall and Sydney make their entrance. Marshall is dressed in black jeans, a black shirt with a bolo tie, a large belt buckle, cowboy boots, a black blazer, a black Stetson and a thick mustache. Sydney is dressed in a knee length black dress with a magenta feather boa wrapped around her elbows. She has shortish spiky black hair and sunglasses on. Cut to several faces across the room as they stare at the newcomers. Sydney stands there cool and aloof, as if she's used to the attention. Marshall nods his head a little and tips his hat slightly.) Marshall (in Texan drawl): Howdy. (People in the crowd go back to what they were doing, no longer finding them interesting.) Marshall (quietly, aside to Sydney): Okay, if I were any more nervous, I'd need new underpants right about now Sydney (still standing as if she were a decoration for a rich man's arm): Hmmm (Marshall sneezes violently.) Marshall (to Sydney): I think I'm allergic to this (whispering) mustache You think it's cat fur ? (Sydney turns toward him, playing with his bolo and straightening his shirt collar.) Sydney: Juuuussst relax, honey Marshall (half whispering): Okay I'm just about to cheat at cards in a casino run by gangsters I just wanna keep my pinky fingers, that's all Sydney: We talked about this on the plane (Sydney takes a finger to Marshall's chin and turns his head so that he's looking right into her eyes.) Sydney: I need to know you can do this. (Marshall takes a toothpick out of his pocket and puts it into his mouth. His game face slides into place.) Marshall (determined): Let's play cards. (Cut to a hand placing four green chips in a betting square. A dealer's hand putting down blackjack hands. Slide up to Sydney, standing over Marshall's shoulder, who is seated at the table. The dealer turns over a seventeen. Marshall rakes in a large stack of chips. The dealer dealing again. Cut to Marshall, chewing on his toothpick, totally in character. More chips being placed down. Marshall raking in more chips. Pan up to Sydney clasping her arms around Marshall's head as if excited about his winnings. Cut to an Asian man watching them surreptitiously. Marshall taps the table to have the dealer hit him. More chips are placed in front of him. Cut to Sydney, standing behind Marshall put her hands up in victory, her boa in hand. Marshall rakes in more chips. Cut to another Asian man watching them. Cut back to the table. Marshall has a large pile of chips in front of him. It appears he's the only one playing the dealer now, running several hands at once. A large crowd has gathered, watching him. He asks to hit a hand in front of him by pointing at it. He rakes in more chips. Cut to Marshall taking a sip from (one assumes) a complimentary beer, toothpick still hanging out of the side of his mouth. Sydney stands next to him, giggly and excited at his winnings. Cut to a huge pile of multicolored chips in front of Marshall.) Marshall: I'll tell you somethin' Can you get someone to help me with all this? Cause I can't carry all this on my own Sydney (in semi-West Virginia like accent): Yes we can! (laughs) (Sydney and Marshall start collecting up the chips.) Voice (voiceover): You're very lucky. (Marshall looks over his shoulder. The camera pans to an unsmiling Asian man dressed in a pinstripe suit. Marshall tips his hat to him.) Marshall: Oh, you talkin' to me? Well, thank you very much. I am lucky I'm lucky to be born in Texas and I'm rich enough that a woman this beautiful is willin' ta share my bed! Gawd! (Marshall slaps Sydney on the butt. She turns her head to give Marshall a death look. He was smiling but sobers after seeing the look on her face.) Man: Perhaps you might come into the back? I can convert your winnings into diamonds (he looks at Sydney as he says this and she responds by making an excited ooh! face) or simply make an electronic transfer to the bank of your choice. Marshall: That'll be might hospitable of ya Domo Arigato, Mr. Uh (Leaning closer to read the man's name badge) Tom-oh-sa-ka. Tomosaka (waving toward the table of chips): Please we'll take care of that. Marshall: Oh, you'll take care of that? Thank ya so much. (Marshall sneezes.) (Cut to the back room.) Sydney (in pleading voice): Mr. Tomosaka we weren't cheating Marshall: Nah, we weren't cheatin (Marshall tugs on his hat politely.) (Tomosaka reaches behind him and pulls down a Samurai sword from its display behind the desk.) Tomosaka: You were counting cards (Marshall gives Sydney a nervous sideways glance.) Marshall: Are you gonna cut off your own finger with that? Cause that looks mighty big to take off a pinky (Tomosaka walks toward Marshall menacingly.) Tomosaka: I thought I would take your hand! (He grabs Marshall's hand and holds it down on the desk. Sydney throws her arms around Marshall worriedly.) Sydney: No! Don't hurt him! (Marshall grabs his bolo tie with his other hand and pulls, shooting two small tranq darts out of the eyes of the bull's head clasp holding the tie together. Tomosaka begins to collapse backward. The guard grabs Sydney and she takes him out with a kick and an elbow to the head. Cut back to Tomosaka sliding down the wall.) Sydney: Put him in the closet. (Marshall looks down at Tomasaka worriedly. He grabs a few of his winning chips and stuffs them into his pocket and then bends down to grab Tomosaka. Cut to Marshall sitting in front of the computer behind the desk, typing furiously.) Marshall: What was the password Sloane gave you? Sydney: Ravenson 327. (Marshall types in the password and then the program's code flashes up on the screen. Cut to Sydney watching Marshall's progress. Cut back to Marshall.) Marshall: Okay, okay I found the virus. Oh my God the code on this thing All right, um it's gonna take me a second to download a copy before I can render the virus unusable. (As Marshall works, Sydney looks at the security camera feeds and sees Sark and Bomani enter the club.) Sydney: You're gonna have to hurry. Sark's here. (Cut to Marshall glancing at the feed as Bomani takes down a guard. He continues to work furiously as Sydney watches. Cut back to the feed as Sark takes out a guard watching the entrance to the private wing.) Marshall: Come on! Come on! (Sark and Bomani are walking toward the door to the suite. The computer beeps.) Marshall: It's disabled! (Marshall grabs a device he was using as we watch the computer feed of Sark beginning to open the door. Cut to Sark and Bomani as they enter the suite. It appears empty. Sark sits down at the computer. The camera slowly pans down from the computer screen as he talks.) Sark: It'll take me a second to transfer a copy to our server. (Camera pan is complete. We see Sydney and Marshall hiding underneath the desk, inches from Sark's legs. Cut back to Sark typing. Cut back to Sydney and Marshall. Marshall's nose starts to twitch as if he may sneeze. Sydney holds his nose to keep him from doing it. Cut back to Sark. The computer is beeping.) Sark: Done. (He stands up and crosses the room to leave with Bomani. Once they leave, Sydney lets go of Marshall's nose. He promptly sneezes.) (Cut to a night aerial scene of LA. Cut to a heartbeat monitor. A catchy, upbeat rendition of Ooh, Child plays.) Weiss (voiceover): Vaughn'll back me up on this on this one. (Camera pans from the monitor across the room to Vaughn, still in bed, to Weiss, sitting in a chair next to Vaughn's head, and then to Sydney and Lauren, in chairs on either side of the foot of the bed.) Weiss: This is a true story, I swear Sophomore year at college Her name was April First Vaughn: Heh. Birth name, by the way Weiss: Right. And for like a month, I was obsessed with her I I thought this woman had to have my children, okay? Uh, the problem was that she only dated guitar players literally (Lauren and Sydney are both amused by this story.) Lauren (deadpan): A girl should have her standards (Cut to Vaughn in bed, smiling.) Vaughn: Since she worked at a coffee house, Eric decided to impress her on open-mike night (He turns to smile at Weiss. The camera pans over to him.) Sydney (voiceover): You play the guitar? Weiss: No No, not even a little. (Cut to Sydney as she laughs. Cut back to Weiss (behind him, there's an open bottle of beer on the table)) Weiss: But I thought, you know, (starts to snicker as he continues) if I got up on that stage (Cut to Vaughn laying back with his eyes closed, snickering.) Weiss (voiceover, snickering): and the spotlight was in my face (Cut back to Weiss.) Weiss: that God would imbue my hands with the power of rock legend, Stevie Ray Vaughan! (Cut to Sydney and Lauren giggling.) Lauren: So, what happened? (Cut to Weiss.) Weiss: Oh, disaster just embarrassment I didn't play two notes that went together (He gets up out of his chair. Cut to Sydney, teasing him gently.) Sydney: Aww, poor baby Lauren: And what about April First? (Cut to Weiss. He turns around with a silly grin on his face.) Weiss: Oh, we made out in my Gremlin in the parking lot (Cut to Sydney, laughing, surprised. She and Lauren speak at the same time.) Lauren (voiceover): What!? Sydney: You did what? (Cut to Lauren laughing. Cut to Weiss.) Weiss: Yeah. She got to work late that night, so all she saw was me coming out with the guitar under my arm (Cut to Vaughn smiling. He sits up with an effort, reaching forward toward something.) Vaughn: Ooh. (Cut to Lauren, amused.) Lauren: Is that a good idea? (Cut to Vaughn. He apparently snagged Lauren's beer bottle and is holding it up to his lips.) Vaughn: If I have to hear that story for the fifth time, I'm gonna need it (Vaughn takes a small swig from the bottle. Cut to Lauren.) Lauren: Feeling okay? Vaughn: Okay (He hands the bottle back to Lauren. Cut to Sydney, looking pained and uncomfortable at the show of intimacy between Vaughn and Lauren. Cut back to Vaughn, smiling.) Vaughn (joking): Yeah unlike this guy, who took six months to sit up after he got shot (Pan to include Weiss in the shot.) Weiss: I was shot in the jugular (he raises his eyebrows at Vaughn like huh? Huh? How do ya like them apples?) Vaughn (clearly not impressed): Oh Weiss: I was! I was unconscious for three weeks (cut to Sydney for a moment, who smiles softly, watching Weiss and Vaughn tease each other. Cut back to Weiss, who's pointing at Vaughn's chest) And, by the way don't come crying to me if beer starts spraying out of that hole in your chest (Cut to Vaughn, closing his eyes, laughing.) Vaughn: Don't you have to get up early? Weiss (taking the hint): Yes I do Night. (He gets up out of his chair. Behind him, we see a paper bag on the coffee table (which we can assume the beer was smuggled in with) and a jacket draped along the top of a couch. As he walks past Sydney's chair, she turns and addresses him.) Sydney: Can I grab a ride? Weiss: Yeah. (Sydney gets out of her chair. She looks at Vaughn and then turns to Lauren, smiling.) Sydney: Good night. (She turns her head to include Vaughn) See you tomorrow. (Cut to Vaughn, smiling up at Sydney.) Vaughn: Good night. (As Sydney walks out of frame, we focus on Lauren's face. She smiles as she reaches forward. Cut to Vaughn as he reaches back to take her hand. They smile at each other. Cut to Syd and Weiss walking down the hallway of the hospital. They're talking to each other, but we can't hear what they're saying. The upbeat music of Ooh, Child leads into a more sad, soulful version of the song.) Sydney: Yeah Wait You know what? I forgot my jacket Weiss: All right. I'll get the car. (Sydney turns back towards the room and says over her shoulder ) Sydney: All right. (Cut to Sydney rounding the corner and putting out her hand to open the door to Vaughn's room. She looks up through the window. Her hand drops. Lauren is sitting on the side of Vaughn's bed, leaning close to him. She kisses him tenderly on the forehead, staying there for a moment. Vaughn puts his arm up	Plan: A: Vaughn; Q: Whose life hangs in the balance? A: Lauren; Q: Who butts heads with Sydney after learning of her role in Vaughn's stabbing? A: his stabbing; Q: What did Lauren learn she played a part in? A: Sloane; Q: Who is kidnapped by Kazari Bomani? A: The Covenant; Q: What group is Kazari Bomani a kingpin in? A: Jack's cover; Q: What is jeopardized when Jack meets with Simon to dig up information on Sydney's missing two years? A: Marshall; Q: Who is sent on his second mission with Sydney? Summary: While Vaughn's life hangs in the balance, Lauren butts heads with Sydney after learning the part she played in his stabbing. Meanwhile, Sydney further questions Sloane's allegiances after he is kidnapped by Kazari Bomani, a kingpin in The Covenant; Jack's cover is jeopardized when he meets with Simon to dig up information on Sydney's missing two years; and Marshall is sent on his second mission with Sydney, posing as a high-stakes, southern gambler.
Act One. Scene One - Café Nervosa. Martin is having a coffee with a woman of about his age, Clare Wojadubakowski. They seem to be nervous. Clare: How's your coffee? Martin: Good, good. Yours? Clare: Very nice. Martin: That's good. Clare: [then] Marty, we have no reason to be uncomfortable. We're two consenting adults. Martin: What about your husband? He never consented! Clare: Stan loved you Martin, and he loved me. If anything, he's up in heaven right now, watching us and smiling. Martin: You don't think he was watching the whole time, do you? Clare: Not if heaven gets ESPN! [they laugh] Now, stop feeling guilty. Martin: Okay. Frasier enters and notices them. Frasier: Oh, Dad. Martin: [worried] Oh, Fras'. You remember Clare Wojadubakowski? Frasier: Yes, of course, hello, Mrs. Wojadubakowski, good to see you again. Gosh, I'm sorry again about your loss. Clare: Thank you. Frasier: He was a good man, your husband. [Martin's guilt starts] Dad's often said if it weren't for Stan, he wouldn't have made it through the academy, isn't that right? Martin: [guilty] That's right. Frasier: Didn't he lend you the money for your first car? Martin: Yeah, he did. Frasier: Oh course, we all owe him for introducing Dad to Mom. Martin: Oh, God! Clare: You know, Marty, I think we better go. Frasier: Of course, well, Clare it's lovely seeing you again. Em, please give my regards to your son, Martin. Martin: Oh, God! Martin and Clare leave as Roz arrives and sits with Frasier at the table that guilty pair just left. Frasier: Oh hi, Roz. Why don't you join me? Roz: Well, aren't you here with Niles? Frasier: No, actually I haven't been seeing much of Niles lately. He spends all his time with Mel. Roz: Well, that's what happens at the beginning of relationships. [to waiter] Can I have a decaf latte, please? Frasier: [to waiter] Yes, and I'll have my usual, thank you. [waiter leaves] Yes, I do hope he hasn't forgotten me completely. We have wine club tonight, I'm sort of counting on him to help me become "corkmaster." Roz: But you'll still keep your secret identity as Frasier Crane, right? Frasier: Corkmaster's the most prestigious position in our club. If elected, I plan to have vertical tastings and guest speakers, perhaps even a trip to Portugal where some of the world's finest corks come from. Roz: I wish I had a cork right now! Frasier: Very funny, Roz. You know what, I do hope Niles shows up. You know, Mel has a way of making him change his mind at the last minute. You know, I think she's a bit manipulative. Roz: Based on what? Frasier: Oh, I don't know, I've a feeling. Roz: So you really don't know her that well. Frasier: That's true. You know, I really haven't given her much of a chance, I suppose. I suppose I could put together a little get-to-know-you event, a Sunday brunch perhaps? Roz: There you go. Frasier: Yes, it's a good idea, Roz. Of course, I don't want to make it seem like she's under the family microscope. You know, maybe you could come along. Roz: I guess I could. Frasier: Great. Roz: Oh, and by Sunday you'll be Corkman. Frasier: Cork-MASTER, thank you, Roz. [laughs] Actually, I won't know until after the election tonight. But you know, I'll let you know. Roz: Or I could just look up into the sky for the cork signal! Frasier: Very amusing, Roz. Roz: If you win, I'd love a ride in the cork-mobile. Frasier: All right, Roz! [SCENE_BREAK] DOESN'T EVERYONE HAVE A FIREPLACE IN HIS CLOSET? Scene Two - The Montana - Niles'S Dressing Room. Later that evening, Niles is getting ready in his elaborate dressing room (with fireplace) for the wine club as Mel knocks on the door. Niles is dressed in suit and tie. Mel: [o.s.] Niles! [enters] Oh, don't you look dashing. I've brought you a nice bottle of Cheval Blanc to impress the wine club. Mrs. Briggs gave it to me as a thank-you after her last face-lift. Niles: [looks at bottle] '61! I don't believe it! Mel: Yes, that's what they're saying about Mrs. Briggs! Niles: Oh, this is the perfect occasion for me to bring this wine. We're electing a new president tonight. Mel: Oh? Niles: Yes, and I promised Frasier I'd nominate him. Oh, did I mention, brunch at Frasier's tomorrow? Mel: Oh yes, darling. Well, I'm so happy my rare, expensive bottle will benefit your brother. Oh, that tie's all wrong, let me. Niles: Yes, of course, of course. Mel goes to get another tie from the rack. Niles: Yes, well, ever since the day he joined the wine club, Frasier's dreamed of becoming corkmaster. [she picks out a tie] Oh, good choice! Mel: I think it's wonderful. I really do: helping your brother win this prestigious post. Niles: Well, Frasier, deserves it. Mel puts on Niles's tie in front of the mirror in order to form a loop as Niles takes his off. Mel: Because he knows more about wine than you do? Niles: I wouldn't say that. Mel: Well, he's probably been in the club longer? Niles: No, actually, I sponsored his membership. Mel: Oh, well, so you've never wanted that honor for yourself? Niles: Well, I wouldn't say never. Who hasn't nursed the dream of one day becoming corkmaster? Mel: Oh, I'm sure Frasier at least asked if you were interested. [puts tie onto him] Niles: Now that you mention it, no he didn't. Mel: Oh, and you don't resent it? Well, you see, that's why I love you, because most people would. I would, bitterly, but then I'm not you and I don't know what's best for you and... now the jacket's all wrong. [takes it off him] Niles: Do you think I should call him on this? Mel: [getting another jacket] Please, the last thing I want to do is come between you and your brother. Niles: He knows perfectly well how much I've coveted this post. I distinctly confided my aspirations to him the night Jud Riverton fell off the ferry after the spring tasting! Mel: Well, I'm sure he just forgot. Niles: No, no, don't defend him. Here. [lets her put the jacket on] He's always putting himself first and I always let him. Mel: Why, Niles? Niles: Oh, I don't know, I think perhaps it's because... Mel: I'll tell you why: because you can't see yourself for what you really are! [holds him up into the mirror] You are a powerful, sexy, dynamic, colossus of a man. In other words, perfect corkmaster. Niles: [looking at himself] I am, aren't I? Mel: And don't let anyone, anyone ever take that away from you. Mel and Niles kiss. Mel: Now, that's all I want to say, because I love you and I don't want to meddle. Mel goes to pretty herself up in the mirror. [SCENE_BREAK] GUNFIGHT AT THE BOUQUET CORRAL Scene Three - The Wine Club. Everyone is gathered as Frasier beckons Niles over to him. Frasier: Oh, Niles, finally, you're here. Niles: Yes, sorry I'm late. Frasier: Oh, that's all right, it's just that the nominations are about to begin. Now listen, this is what I thought we would do. After you nominate me, I will demure modestly for a moment and then I'll say something like... Niles: I want to be corkmaster. Frasier: Well, that's a bit artless, don't you think? Niles: No, no: I want to be corkmaster too. I covet this post as much as you do, I always have, and I think I deserve a shot at it. Frasier: But Niles, I've been campaigning for this all week, I was counting on you to nominate me. Niles: And I will, I'm just hoping that you'll return the favor. Unless that is you're afraid of a little competition. The current corkmaster taps on a glass to draw attention. Master: Can I have your attention? My friends, as outgoing corkmaster, I would like to thank those who stuck with me during the ugly days of Spritzer-gate, but the time has come to pass the tasting cup. Are there any nominations? [Niles raises his hand] Niles. Niles: It's a honor and a privilege to nominate my brother, Frasier Crane. There is a round of applause. Master: Right, any others? Frasier: [after some nudging] Yes, I would like to reciprocate and nominate my brother, Niles Crane. Master: Are there any further nominations? [no-one raises a hand] Well then, a show of hands, please, for those in favor of Frasier Crane. [they do and he counts - including Niles's proud hand] Fourteen. And those in favor of Niles Crane? [they do - however Frasier does not raise his hand] Thirteen. [Niles stares at Frasier until he raises his hand] Oh, fourteen. It's a tie. If only out venerable founder, Virgil Hepplewhite was here to guide us. Virgil: [out of nowhere] I'm over here. Master: [crowd moves back] Oh, sorry, Virgil, I didn't see you. So, em, what is the procedure? Virgil: [stands] Blind taste of five bottles. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Four - The Wine Club. Later on, Frasier and Niles are sat opposite each other at the tasting table. They are in the middle of sampling a wine. Frasier spits his out but Niles carries on. Frasier: Oh for God's sake, Niles. The wine spent less time in the bottle! [Niles spits and writes down his prediction] Master: All right, gentlemen, you have correctly identified the first three wines, let's see if number four can break the tie. Niles? Niles: It was ripe, round and thoroughly seductive. I said Australian Shiraz. [holds up his card] Master: Ah, and Frasier, what did you think? Frasier: Well, contrary to my brother I thought it was dark, dusky and supple, but I also said Australian Shiraz." [holds up card] Master: You're both right, we're still tied. [applause] Frasier: Well, Niles, this is the moment of truth. Don't choke. Niles: Please, prepare to be stomped like a late harvest Gevertstremener! They take sips of their wine simultaneously, swish it around their mouths in pride, and in rhythm, lift their buckets and spit together. They write down their prediction. Master: Gentlemen? Niles: It was jammy, plummy, dense and chewy. There is no doubt in my mind that it was a Napa Valley Merlot. [holds up card] Master: You, Frasier. Frasier: A nice big wine with excellent heft. It's Napa all right, but as I always say, why go Merlot when you can call a Cab? [holds up card] Master: I thought this bottle might trip you up. Gentlemen, it's actually a blend. A forty-five percent Cabernet... Frasier: And?! Master: And... fifty five percent Merlot! Niles wins by ten percent. Frasier grimaces as Niles goes over to him amid the applause. Frasier: Well, Niles, congratulations, obviously the better man won. Niles: Frasier, please... Frasier: No, Niles, don't be modest. Niles: No, I wasn't, they're starting my inauguration. Niles sits in a throne-like chair in which he is hailed with the medal of the cork and a song to the tune of "Rule Brittania!" Club: Hail corkmaster, The master of the cork, He knows which wine goes with fish or pork! Hail corkmaster, The master of the cork... They carry on singing to Frasier's anger as we FADE OUT. End of Act One. Act Two. Scene One - Frasier's Apartment. Roz and Frasier are in the kitchen preparing brunch on Sunday morning. Frasier: You know, the whole purpose of this brunch is to get to know Mel better, but it just hurts the hell out of me preparing a sumptuous brunch for Niles after the way he betrayed me at the wine club. Roz: Oh, would you shut up about that corkmaster thing! I already hate you for putting that song in my head! Daphne enters the kitchen with a Bloody Mary, she seems kind of tipsy. Reset to: Living Room Meanwhile, Martin enters from his room. He seems nervous. Martin: Okay, it's all clear. Martin and Clare run out and head to the door quickly as she fastens her blouse. Martin: [picks up chili bowl] Thanks for dropping off my tupperware. Clare: Oh, oh, it's no trouble at all. I was headed out to church this morning... and I thought, "Oh, Marty's right on the way." Martin: [snaps out of it] What's the matter with us? Clare: Oh, Martin, we have done nothing wrong. I mean, maybe we were a little impetuous, but that's no crime. Martin: Yeah, I guess you're right. Well, listen, thanks for dropping by, and I'll call you. They kiss just before Frasier enters. Frasier: Mrs. Wojadubakowski. Martin: Yeah, look who just came here! Look who it is. [drags her back] Frasier: I didn't even hear the doorbell ring, what brings you here? Martin: Oh, [looks for excuse] she just brought me back my chili bowl. Well thanks a lot, and I'll see you later. Frasier: No, Dad, where are your manners? Why don't you join us for brunch, Clare? I insist. I'm not sure that we'll be able to give you a treat as spicy as the one that Dad gave you but... Clare: Yes, he does make very good chili! Frasier: Isn't that flattering, Dad? You know what, I think someone wants seconds! Clare and Martin give each other a nervous glance. Martin: Frasier, could I see you in the kitchen for a minute? Frasier: Yes, of course. Clare, you make yourself at home. They enter the kitchen as Martin greets Roz and Daphne. Roz is preparing some Bloody Marys. Frasier: Oh, splendid idea, Roz; Bloody Marys. You know, why don't you offer one of those to Clare? Martin: Oh, I don't think she's got time. Daphne: I'll ask her. Daphne and Roz exit with the drinks. [SCENE_BREAK] Daphne: [o.s.] Mrs. Wojadubakowski, Mr. Crane was wondering if you had time for a quick one. Martin: [agitated] Look, Frasier, there's something you should know about me and Clare: we just slept together. Frasier: Are you sure? She just got here two minutes ago. Martin: She was here earlier. I just don't know what came over us. We just couldn't keep our hands off each other, we were like animals or sex-crazed teenagers. Frasier: Well, what's wrong with that? Martin: Well, I'll tell you what's wrong with that, she's Stan's widow. I mean, he didn't even like it when I borrowed his lawn mower! Frasier: Dad, listen, Stan's been gone a while now. I mean, you're not teenagers, you're two mature people reaching out for some companionship. I think it's adorable. [doorbell sounds] Martin: Adorable?! Frasier and Martin enter the main area where Daphne, with Bloody Mary in hand, opens the door to Niles. Daphne: Oh, good morning, Dr. Crane. Niles: Hello, Daphne. [looks] My, isn't that a beautiful outfit. Daphne: [falling over herself] Oh, thank you, Dr. Crane, how sweet. But her smile soon fades as Mel enters. Mel: [on cell phone] So just beep me if you need me. Niles: Greetings all. Mel, I think you know everyone. Everyone greets everyone. Niles: Oh, Mrs. Wojadubakowski, what a nice surprise. This is Mel Karnovsky. Mel: Hello. Clare: It's a pleasure to meet you. [stands] Martin, I really have to be getting to church. Martin: Oh, yeah, sure, okay. Well, I'll just walk you out. Niles: You know what, by the way, I'm so sorry to hear about your husband. Clare: Thank you, thank you. Niles: I understand Dad's been doing what he can to fill the void. Clare nervously leaves as Mel and Niles get settled. Roz: Can I pour you a Bloody Mary, Mel? Mel: Not for me. It's a little early in the day for hard liquor, don't you think? Roz: Not anymore. [pours herself a large one] Mel: Niles, let's get this foie gras box in the refrigerator. [notices Eddie has his head in the bag] Oh, hello, Eddie. Or should I say goodbye? Martin: Huh? Mel: Well, Martin, I'm sure you'll be locking Eddie out on the balcony if people are going to be eating here. She exits with Niles to the kitchen. Martin: Well, I'll tell you who I'd like to lock out on the balcony- Roz: Oh please, let it be me! Frasier: Now, now, maybe I remind you that we're having this little bruncheon in order to get acquainted with Mel. We owe it to Niles to give her a chance. Daphne: I agree with Dr. Crane, we should all have another Bloody Mary. [pours one] Frasier: I didn't say that! Daphne: It was implied. Mel: [enters with Niles a bottle of wine] Oh, Frasier, I almost forgot. The corkmaster and I brought this along for you. [hands over bottle] Frasier: Oh, well, thank you very much, that's a lovely bottle. I guess Niles must have told you about his eleventh hour victory. Mel: Ah, yes, and I'm so proud of him. Niles: Let's give credit where credit's due, to Mel. [kisses her] Frasier: To Mel? Niles: Well, yes, it was her idea that I should run. Frasier: Really? Well, perhaps I'll just put this around the corner before the cork flies out and hits someone. Frasier puts the wine around the corner as the scene DISSOLVES TO: Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. Everyone is sat with their drinks at the table. Daphne has become increasingly drunk. Mel: So, after all these years of doing tummy tucks and liposuctions, I can look at a fully clothed person and see exactly what they look like naked. [everyone becomes self- conscious] I can see every sag, droop, ripple and pucker. It's like X-ray vision. Roz: How interesting. [walks to kitchen holding her stomach in] I think I'll go check on breakfast. Frasier: [tensing his muscles] Let me give you a hand with that. Frasier and Roz arrive in the kitchen. Roz: When you invited me, did you say "brunch for Mel" or "brunch from Hell"? Frasier: That woman is unbearable. Martin: [enters] Well, guess who's allergic to Eddie? Frasier: Oh, Lord. Martin: She wants a glass of water to take her pill with. [fills a glass] Boy, do you know what I can't stand? All that "sweetie, dearie, darling" stuff. I've never met anyone so phony! [Mel enters] Hello, dear, here's your water. [hands it over] Mel: Thank you, Martin. Well, Frasier, I'm afraid I have some bad news. I just got beeped by my service and I have to go. Frasier: Oh gosh, I'm so sorry. Mel: Thank you for brunch though, thanks for inviting me. It's such a civilized way to spend an afternoon. Daphne then enters singing "Anne Boelyn" in her drunk style. Daphne: "With her head tucked underneath her arm/ she walks the bloody tower!" - You know who that song's about, don't you? Mel: Bloody Mary? Daphne: Oh, don't mind if I do! [picks up Bloody Mary and exits] Mel: Anyway, I better go. They enter the main area. Niles: Darling, I have your coat. I'll walk you to the elevator. Mel: Well, thank you all for a lovely afternoon. They all shout their goodbyes as Mel and Niles exit. Martin: Well, that's a blessing. Now we can enjoy our breakfast. Roz: I doubt it. I was only allowed to make a cheese-free, mushroom-free, fat-free frittata, thanks to the girl in the plastic bubble! Daphne: I think I'll order a pizza. [takes phone into kitchen] Frasier: You know, I have half a mind to say something to Niles, he is making a terrible mistake with that woman! Martin: Frasier! Frasier: But Dad, it is Maris all over again! She's dominating him, emasculating him! Martin: Look, I don't like her anymore than you do and God knows we've been through this before. I didn't Lilith, we both didn't like Maris and you boys sure as hell didn't like Sherry, but what good did it do talking about it? Frasier: He's repeating a terrible pattern. Martin: Well he's going to repeat it whether you like it or not. And if you say anything, you're just going to drive a wedge between you. So, nobody's going to say a word! Frasier and Roz finally agree as Niles enters. Niles: Well, it's a shame Mel had to leave. Frasier: Oh yeah, you know, we were having such a good time. Martin: Yeah, Niles. Niles: You know, I was nervous bringing her over here. They all laugh it off. Niles: I was concerned what you'd think, you know, getting to really know her for the first time. So? Roz: Ooh, I'm going to go let Eddie in. [exits to balcony] Niles: Come on, seriously, I want you to be totally honest. [Daphne enters, waiting on the phone] Tell me, what do you think of Mel? Daphne: Oh, I don't like her at all, she's bossy and fussy and mean. She's all wrong for you. [into phone] Yes, I need a large pepperoni pizza, and some cheese bread! [exits to kitchen] Martin: [stands] I'm sure she didn't mean that, Niles. [follows Daphne into kitchen] Niles: Well, that was startling. Frasier: Yes, well, don't take that seriously, Niles. [Roz enters from balcony] You know how women sometimes just form irrational dislikes for one another. Roz: Oh, that's great, I leave the room for one second and you rat me out. Frasier: No, Roz... Roz: No, it's okay, I don't have anything to hide and I'm not irrational. She's pushy, demanding and a gigantic pain in the ass! I'd dump her like radioactive waste. Niles: Well, so that's two of you in the Anti-Mel camp. Roz: [to Frasier] Oh, did you tell him what you thought of Mel too? Frasier: No, Daphne did. Roz: Oops! [exits to kitchen] Niles: Frasier?! Frasier: I just think she's Maris all over again, she's manipulative... I think you're repeating a terrible pattern. Niles: Well, isn't this neat?! We all have our individual reasons for disliking her. Martin enters with Daphne. Niles: Hey, Dad, what's your reason for disliking Mel? Daphne: So you did tell him what you think of her and after shoving me into the kitchen and shaking your freakin' finger at me! [NB: this light was greatly delivered by Jane] Martin: She's crazy, Niles, I don't know what she's talking about... [Roz enters] Niles: No, no, that's all right, Dad. I, er, I asked you all to be honest and you were. [gets coat] I got my answer. You know what would have been nice? Is if one of you could have found one nice thing to say about her. Niles exits and slams the door behind him in disgust. The rest look around in guilt. The silence is then cut after about ten seconds. Daphne: She does have that X-ray vision. Everyone looks at her as we FADE OUT. Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment. Frasier is sat reading a book as Martin enters and sits in his chair. Martin: Did you talk to Niles? Frasier: Em, I left a couple of messages but no answer. I think he's gonna have to stay mad for a while. Martin: Yeah, well, that was a hell of a brunch all the way round for you as well as me. Frasier: Dad, if you're talking about what happened between you and Mrs. Wojadubakowski, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Martin: Yeah, yeah, I guess. Frasier: So, you're going to see her again? Martin: Oh, I don't know, I don't think it's gonna work out. Frasier: You're not still feeling guilty, are you? Martin: No, what you said made a lot of sense. It's just that I think it's run its course. Frasier: Oh, well, I have a theory. Martin: Geez! Frasier: [Daphne enters and hears] No, no, hear me out. I think by giving you my approval to sleep with Clare I've made it less exciting for you. There was a certain illicitness to the relationship that gave it a kind of piquancy. Martin: Frasier, it's Sunday, take the day off! Daphne: [the drink has obviously worn off] Wait, Mr. Crane. You slept with Mrs. Wojadubakowski? Martin: Yes, I did, isn't that adorable? Daphne: No, it's disgusting, you dirty old man! Sleeping with that poor widow before her husband's even cold in the ground. Martin: You think that was wrong? Daphne: You're damn right I do. You ought to be ashamed. Martin: See, I told you, Frasier. Daphne: We live in a civilized society and there are certain rules we have to live by. [getting carried away as if settling a mental conflict] We all have impulses we'd like to explore, but we don't! Frasier: Daphne? Daphne: [after a pause she tries to put it aside] Well, we can't just go chasing anyone you fancy just because you're suddenly attracted to them. There are certain things you don't do, no matter how tempted you are. [exits to her room] Frasier: Boy that was strange, wasn't it? Martin: I don't think it was strange at all! Made a lot of sense to me! [stands and gets coat] Frasier: Where the hell are you going? Martin: Well, I better get over to Clare's and apologize. Don't wait up for me Frasier, I've got a lot of apologizing to do! Frasier gives him a look as he exits. End of Act Two. [SCENE_BREAK] Frasier is having a wine tasting test in the living room. Martin is testing him. Frasier is wearing a blindfold as he tastes a wine. He gives a prediction and Martin says it's correct. Then he takes another glass. However, whilst he is sipping, Martin rushes a half- dressed Clare out of the apartment before he takes the glass and gives him the correct answer.	Plan: A: Frasier; Q: Who is excited about being elected Corkmaster of his local wine club? A: his local wine club; Q: What club is Frasier hoping to be elected Corkmaster of? A: Mel; Q: Who persuaded Niles to run against his brother for the corkmaster position? A: the vote; Q: What is tied at the meeting? A: a wine-tasting tiebreaker; Q: What is the tiebreaker for the corkmaster election? A: Anthony Heald; Q: Who is the outgoing corkmaster of the wine club? A: defeat; Q: What is Frasier gracious in? A: the impetus; Q: What did Mel provide for Niles' decision to run? A: Niles' decision; Q: What did Mel influence to win the corkmaster position? A: Claire Wojadubakowski; Q: Who is Martin having an affair with? A: an old friend; Q: Who is Claire Wojadubakowski? A: Stan; Q: What was the name of Claire Wojadubakowski's husband? A: a few weeks; Q: How long ago did Claire's husband die? Summary: Frasier is very excited about the prospect of being elected "Corkmaster" of his local wine club, which he has asked Niles to nominate him for. However, Mel manipulatively persuades Niles to run against his brother for the position. At the meeting, the vote is tied and, a wine-tasting tiebreaker overseen by the outgoing corkmaster ( Anthony Heald ) sees Niles narrowly win. Frasier is gracious in defeat, until he discovers that Mel provided the impetus for Niles' decision to stand. Meanwhile, Martin has embarked on an affair with Claire Wojadubakowski, an old friend whose husband Stan was buried a few weeks before. As Martin and Stan were close, he is feeling guilty over this, and endeavors to conceal the fact from Frasier.
[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Raylan: Winona, do you know what's going on here? I'm being framed of a murder I didn't commit. Winona: I found the gun. Raylan: Thank you. Winona: This time, seriously, don't come find me. Raylan: Go tell your boss I got the gun that killed Gary. Wynn: Do you? Raylan: Ask him where he thinks it might turn up. You have no ide... ooh! Raylan: What are you gonna do? Make sure Ellen May don't get hurt. Ava: Thanks for coming by, Raylan. What brings you to Lexington? I just wanted to let you know Boyd Crowder is backing a man for sheriff. You came all this way to tell me that. I likes to back the winning side. I'm gonna want to know what Mr. Quarles is up to. I believe you can help me out there. You need someone who know his way around Harlan. [ Laughs ] I got the sheriff. Someone who ain't the law. Oh, so what I need is a federal fugitive who assaulted a U.S. marshal. I don't think so. Mr. Quarles, sir, I will do anything to make it right. You were supposed to wait until I get back in the house before you set that thing off. You get me what you owe me, or next time, I won't even wait for you to get out of the car. [ Keys jingle ] Raylan: [ Sighs ] [ Sighs ] [ Sniffs ] [ Sighs ] [ Groans ] [ Sighs ] Raylan: Rachel said you wanted to see me. Art: Yes, come in. [ Sighs ] Art: No. I'll be gentle. Who's Brady Hughes? Raylan: [ Laughs ] You been checking up on me? Art: [ Chuckling ] Yes. Duh. Who is he? Switchboard said that yesterday you got an anonymous call that said, "tell deputy Givens to ask Quarles about Brady Hughes." Raylan: All I can tell you is what I got when I ran the name through the database, which I'm not gonna share with you 'cause I know you already did the same. Art: What does Quarles want with a missing hustler? Raylan: He just about killed one in Detroit. Art: So, what? You went down there to where Brady turns his tricks... Raylan: Yeah. Art: And then you asked them all if anybody had seen him with Quarles? Raylan: None of the other rent boys were too anxious to speak. Art: What do you have on Quarles? Raylan: What do I have on Quarles? Art: Yeah. Raylan: [ Chuckles ] What have we been talking about? Art: What do you have on Quarles right now that you can prove? That's what I thought. Look, we're gonna shut this down. Raylan: Shut what down? Art: You and Quarles Us and Quarles. 'Cause no matter how big a scumbag he is, until he runs afoul of federal law enforcement, he's not marshal business. Raylan: He tried to destroy my life. Art: And even if he was marshal business, he wouldn't be yours. You're gonna have to step back now. You got it? [SCENE_BREAK] Don't hog it all! I'm not. [ Sniffs ] Don't get your panties in a twist. All right. Golly. There's plenty for everybody. [ Sniffing ] Just hurry your asses up. [ Sniffs ] You want us to be pumped, don't you? No, what I want is for you to go out and make me some goddamn money. Huh? [ Sighs ] You bitches ready? Mm-hmm. It's showtime. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Sniffs ] [ Shotguns cock ] Everybody get down on the ground! You too! Are you deaf?! [ Guire ] [ Grunts ] [ Moaning ] Aw, sh1t! [ Siren wailing ] J. J., open the door! Open the door! I got her, J.J.! I got her! [ Crying ] Come on! Aw, sh1t! Go, go! ♪ On this lonely road ♪ ♪ trying to make it home ♪ ♪ doing it by my lonesome ♪ ♪ pissed off, who wants some? ♪ ♪ I'm fighting for my soul ♪ ♪ God get at your boy ♪ ♪ you try to bogard ♪ ♪all back, I go hard ♪ ♪ on this lonely road ♪ ♪ trying to make it home ♪ ♪ doing it by my lonesome ♪ ♪ pissed off♪ who wants some? ♪ I see them long, hard times to come ♪ [ crying ] He grabbed my gun! There was nothing I could do! She... she's right. It happened so fast. God damn it! [ Gasping ] You kill anybody?! I don't know. Krystal shot back at him. [ Panting ] Took off half his skull. The clerk took a bullet, too. Aw, sh1t. [ Coughing ] It's okay, baby-poo! Oh, my God. We're gonna get you help. Oh, no, n no, no! Oh, no! [ Gasping ] What? Oh, no, no, no! What?! No, no, no!! She's dead. [ Wailing ] You shut up! Ellen May, shut her up! Or hand to God, I'll run this van right off a goddamn cliff! Shut up! Shut up! You got to shut up right now. [ Whimpering ] You got to shut up. All right. Shh. Now, it's terrible what happened to Krystal, huh? Don't make it worse by losing your sh1t. That's the last thing she'd want. The last thing she'd want is to have her guts spilling on the ground. Krystal was a soldier. She knew the risks. And she'd want us to, you know, soldier on, huh? Wouldn't she? Wouldn't she?! [ Gasps ] Yes. I suppose. All right. Let's fix this. For Krystal, huh? I could use a pill. [ Laughs ] Now, that's more like it. [ Chuckling ] Yeah. Ask and ye shall receive. Can't we just bury her? No darling. We need the slurry to eat her up. Couple days, there'll be nothing left of her. She deserves better than this. You got something to say, Ellen May? No. All right. Best not. [ Both grunt ] Go on. Toss her in. [ Both grunt ] Well, what do we do now? We cover our tracks. Ellen May? Ellen May?! [ Gunshot ] [SCENE_BREAK] Raylan: Ava Crowder... just what my day has been missing. Ava: Bet you feel like all I do lately is ask you f favors, but... Raylan, if you just give me... Raylan: For you, I got all the time in the world. Ava: So, you're saying you ended it this time? Raylan: I'm saying I played a big part. Elmer T. Lee single barrel, water back. Ava: I just asked for a whiskey. Friends of the deputy get top-shelf. Ava: Hm. She clearly has a crush on you. Raylan: Are we talking about the bartender? Ava: She is awful pretty. Raylan: If you're into that sort of thing. Ava: Little long in the tooth to be dressed like that, though. Raylan: I'm willing to forgive her. Ava: Boyd tells me you shot a woman. Raylan: Are you two still close? Ava: What was that like? Different? Raylan: I can't say what it's like to shoot anybody, Ava. As a rule, women aren't into crimes where they get shot by people in law enforcement, so we don't get that many opportunities to shoot women. Ava: Well, if a person's holding a gun at you, doesn't matter if they're wearing a dress. Raylan: She was wearing pants. Boyd the reason you're here? Ava: He is. Raylan: Still think you can change him, huh? Ava: Not trying to change him. I'm trying to help him. Raylan: Hm. Ava: What? Raylan: I'm reminded of a fugitive we were chasing... A big fella named Tiny. Found out he was stepping out on his wife with this pretty sorta-rican girl. We knock on her door. She answers in a see-through number. My boss says "where's Tiny?" And then she says, "he ain't here." And he says, "if he's here and you're lying, you're going to jail." She says, "he's in the back." You understand? It wasn't like she was hurting him or telling on him. There was just nothing she could do for him, so she said, "yeah," he's in the back." Ava: Did you catch him? Raylan: You do know what Boyd is, right? I mean, you do know. Ava: He says he can help you get to Robert Quarles. Raylan: Then why didn't he come down here and tell me himself? [ Buzzer ] Boyd: Well, I knew if anybody could sweet-talk you into coming to see me, it'd be Ava. I hope you had a pleasant time, but not too pleasant. Raylan: Well, I'm here. That's the main thing. What do you got for me? Boyd: The man who did the shooting out at your aunt Helen's house... man with a limp... Raylan: You know him? Boyd: Well, I believe he's Robert Quarles' point person in Harlan. He tried to turn Devil against me. Raylan: You gave him the limp. Boyd: Well, I can get territorial. Raylan: How is Devil? I haven't seen him. Boyd: Well, he's calmed down a good bit since last you saw him. Raylan: Hm. And what's in this for you? Boyd: Well, the man you threw out of that trailer happens to be, I believe, the same man who committed the crime for which I find myself currently incarcerated. Raylan: You're asking me to go find your "get out of jail free" card. Boyd: Let's think of it this way. Now, you find this guy, you get your man Quarles, and you get to help out an old friend. Raylan: [ Chuckles ] Boyd: Now, that's a win-win. Raylan: You got a name? Art: Now, just exactly where did this information come from? Raylan: Oh, Tom Bergen and his boys. They been down here rattling the bushes. Fella name of Tanner Dodd popped up. Art: Bergen, huh? You say his source is solid? Raylan: 100%. He's a known scumbag. I ain't surprised at all to hear he's the same fella I threw out of the trailer. Art: All right. Go get your fugitive. Raylan: All right. Will do. Tom: Hey, Raylan. Raylan: You ever hear of a fella named Tanner Dodd? [SCENE_BREAK] [ Laughs ] You want me to frisk him? Nah, that ain't necessary. I told him we were all pals up here now. [ Laughs ] Have a seat, Mr. Quarles. You hungry? Uh...No, thank you. I've eaten. You sure? Hell, Bernard's little, pretty mama make the best shoofly pie I ever ate. You ever had shoofly pie? No, but judging by the name, I'm sure it's delicious. Mmm-mmm. Molasses. Mmm. Butter, brown sugar. Mmm, mmm. Mmm. My, that sure am sweet! Indeed. And, like all sweet things, it draws pests. Hence "shoofly." [SCENE_BREAK] Mr. Limehouse, I'm sure you didn't invite me up here to discuss the sociology of baked goods. Well, last we spoke, you said you had a plan for this county included the election. Of course. I'm from Detroit. Elected officials are always part of the business plan. Are you on board? I am... Just as soon as you tell me who your campaign manager is. Excuse me? For the election. No, no, no, no, no. I heard you. I just don't understand why I need one. Crowder's in jail, Napier's a hero. It's as good as won. Now, I'm sure it seems like that from the outside, but 'round here, elections ain't won without insurance. Ohh. And no doubt you'll be adding that "insurance" to my tab. 'Fraid I don't make donations 'less they tax-deductible. Now, is that gonna be a problem? Open the box. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Locks click ] [ Laughs ] No. It's not gonna be a problem. Good. Then you can give that box right there to your new campaign manager. And where do I find this fella? He gonna be in my seat in about 10 minutes. Mr. Quarles. Ava: We're not open! [ Banging on door ] Christ, we're not the only place in town to get a drink! [ Banging on door ] [ Sighs ] Ava, I prayed you'd be here. Please... please, you got to help me. Thank God you're here! Come on! Raylan: Mrs. Dodd? Hurry up! I think he's gonna kill her. Raylan: Who is? Vincent. Raylan: Where is he? He's in the woods. [ Breathing heavily ] See, he was hunting, and he shot what he thought was a deer. But it wasn't. It was Bernice. She was spying on him. Well, at least I think it was Bernice. See, it could have been her evil twin sister, Eloise. Problem is, I could not see the beauty mark on the TV. Raylan: Mrs. Dodd, is there anyone in the house with you? No. That's why I need you. Raylan: I've got something I need to discuss with you. Well, I ain't discussing nothing until you help me get this TV working. Raylan: Mrs. Dodd? Now, hold that up high. Raylan: Mrs. Dodd. No, call me Imogene. And hold that up nice and high. Raylan: I'm sorry, Imogene. No, wait. What? Raylan: I'm not here to help you with your TV. I'm here because I'm looking for your boy Tanner. I haven't seen him in years. Raylan: I don't think that's true. I think you saw him the other day, when he brought over that brand-new TV. He brought it because he loves his mama. Only, he didn't have a chance to hook it up, did he? No. Because he's in trouble. I don't know what you're talking about. Raylan: I think you do. I know you love your boy and you don't want to see him get in any more trouble, but you should know... I'm not the only one looking for him. There are some very dangerous men after him, too. Really? Raylan: And don't you think it would be best if I found him first? So you could help him? Raylan: That's right. Oh, that would be so good. Did you ever think of trying the one where he accidentally ingested poison and you're the only one with the antidote? Raylan: Excuse me? Look, the first time some no-dick lawman came around and ran that game with me, Tanner was 10 years old. Now you get the hell out... Raylan: Yes, ma'am. [ Sighs ] In case you change your mind. Now, we'll concentrate our first haul here 'cause if you ain't got Vernon creek, you ain't gonna win. Mm. Now, that is, unless you got Jameston holler. Now, once we make sure they vote right, we give them each a playing card to exchange for the booze. Now, personally, I like to use a face card 'cause they're more distinct to a deck, makes it harder for people to bring in their own... Excuse me, Harvey? Aren't I paying you to do this for me? Well, yeah. Oh, but... but I take pride in my work. I-I like people to understand the services I am providing. A-a-and this town-hall-debate circle jerk? Well, that's vfw. That ain't town hall. You know, we gonna have to tread light with that, too. No, I'm serious. As many times as votes been rigged for these people, they're pretty quick to spot a fix when they see one. You know, I got to be honest with you, Harvey... I'm not sure I'm understanding the services you're providing on that one. Well, we make sure that, uh, Napier scores, and, uh, then I just gavel out before Shelby can even respond. Now... [ raps bar ] As I was saying, a face card gets a bottle. The more status a person has, the bigger bottle they get. [SCENE_BREAK] I found that works, you know? How long's he gonna be in there? Relax. They're almost done. [ Cellphone rings ] Hey, ma... what? sh1t. Okay. I love you, too. I got a problem. Tanner's mama says the marshal's been coming around looking for him. He's thinking of running. He got any unfinished business could come back on us? I don't know. "I don't know." That's an acceptable answer if I ask you why the sun come up each day or why God chose to give man dominion over the animals. But if I ask you if your friend Tanner left any loose ends that could point probing fingers back at this holler, you say, "no," you understand me? Yes, sir, Mr. Limehouse. Now, you go with Tanner, and you make sure he ties things in a tight, little bow before he take flight... else we have our own unfinished business to tend to. Yeah. It has been an honor and a privilege to serve the people of this county. [ Knock on door ] Come in. Raylan: Sheriff Napier. U.S. Marshal Raylan Givens. What can I do for the marshals office? Raylan: This is special agent Masters, A.T.F. A.T.F.? Raylan: You know, I never understood why it's not A.T.F.E. "E" is what brought us here The recent bombing of your car. Well, that case was closed. We have the man who set the device in custody. Raylan: Our concern is that Crowder may have not acted alone, may have had an accomplice A fella named Tanner Dodd. Never heard of him. Raylan: Well, his name's come up in a number of bombing investigations. So, Masters checked out your car this morning. [ Scoffs ] He what? On whose authority? Raylan: President, congress, United States of America. Anyway, sure enough, uh, the rigging device, it matched Tanner's M.O. We're... we're pretty confident Boyd Crowder acted alone. Raylan: Agent Masters is one of the best. That why he doesn't talk, doesn't smile? Just stands in my doorway like a big, hot, steaming pile of sh1t? Raylan: [ Chuckles ] Social awkwardness is often the curse of genius. Anyway, you get a line on this guy Dodd, we're gonna want to talk to him as soon as possible. You give us a call if you do, okay? Mm-hmm. Count on it. Raylan: Pleasure. Good luck with that speech. I did good, didn't I? Raylan: You did. Hey, man, uh, you want to grab a beer or something? Raylan: Ah, it's a little early in the morning for me. Plus, I'd like you to get going before the sheriff spots you, wonders why a bomb tech drives a big rig. Hey. My vest? Oh, yeah. Sorry. Raylan: Take it easy, buddy... Ava: Might be a little ragged, but it's clean. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Jukebox clicks ] There we go. [SCENE_BREAK] Music always helps me take my mind off things. Ava, I can... I can't... Ava: It's okay, honey. [ Sighs ] You just relax. Yeah. Ava: Maybe even get a little sleep. Johnny: Ava! It's okay! It's okay! You're safe. You're okay. Johnny: Ava! Ava: [ Sighs ] Johnny: Why was the damn door locked? Should have been open an hour ago. Ava: Johnny. Ellen May's here. Johnny: Delroy's girl? Ava: Said Delroy killed another girl and she's gonna be next. Johnny: [ Sighs ] Look, Ava, I know you got a big heart and you're always bringing in broken things, trying to make them well, but she ain't a stray kitten. You can't keep her. Ava: I was thinking that maybe you'd take her in. Might do you good having a woman around the house. Johnny: That's what you were thinking, huh? [SCENE_BREAK] [ Sighs ] That is very sweet of you, Ava. But, uh... [ sighs ] I always wanted a blonde. [ Chuckles ] Ava: Go back there and look at her, how messed up she is. Johnny: Look, it's not about that. This is just business, okay? Delroy pays us protection money. She does not. You got to turn her over. Ava: He'll kill her. Johnny: That's what she told you, but she's an oxy addict. How do you know she's not here scheming you for more pills or money or some sh1t? [SCENE_BREAK] Boyd is in jail again. And we don't know for how long. And in the meantime, everyone's got to just make their own way. You and me, we got to take care of each other. [SCENE_BREAK] Ava: All right. Johnny: "All right" what? Ava: I'll turn her in. That's what Boyd would do. Johnny: I don't believe you. [ Cellphone rings ] Who's this? Ava: Delroy. It's Ava Crowder. Ms. Crowder, this ain't such a good time. I can't... Ava: I got your girl. Which girl? Ava: You know which one. You want her back, you're gonna have to bring me a little something for my trouble. I already pay Boyd protection. Ava: Well, Boyd didn't find her... I did. And I charge a finder's fee. How's two grand sound? Sounds like I don't have a choice. Ava: You don't. It was a pleasure doing business with you. [ Telephone clicks ] Believe me now? Well, how much did you pay for the explosives? Five grand. Why? You might as well get your money back before you pop him. [ Cellphone rings ] Hold up. Yeah, what do you want? I just want to give you what I owe you. Yeah? What brought you to your senses? Well, that's a lot of money. Takes time to gather, is all. How about I come by your place tonight? Well, actually, I think you ought to stay out of sight. How about, uh, how about we meet? Meet at pine top in two hours. Fine. [ Chuckles ] Looks like I'm about to double my money. [ Engine turns over ] Back for more? Not exactly. I need a refund. Oh, so that's how it is. Pretty much. Well, money's in the back, on top of the green cabinet. After you. [ Metal clangs ] As you like it. [ Gun cocks ] [ Door opens ] You do anything squirrely, you get a bullet in the back of your head. Uh-huh. It's up there. [ Click, high-pitched humming ] What was that? Whoa, son. You best don't move... else we're all dead. Bullshit. You ever heard of a bouncing Betty? A what? It's a goddamn land mine! That's right. In Vietnam, I've seen them cut men in half. I got this one rigged so that it don't bounce. Less damage to my shop. Don't make any difference to you. Well, turn it off. Turn it off right goddamn now! Son, you shoot me now, you'll spend the rest of your life in this room. I'm the only one that can disarm it. And I will, but not until you boys hand over your weapons. Both of them. sh1t. You goddamn son of a bitch! Choice is yours, son. I put down my gun, I won't blow up? Not if you do it slow. Aah! God damn, Errol! What did you do that for?! Sorry, man. I got my own loose ends to clean up. You try to leave, il shoot you. I don't think you want to do that. Now I'm the only one who knows about this here predicament. Unless you gonna call the cops, you need me to go and look for somebody to turn that bad boy off. Bullshit. You're not gonna tell anyone where I'm at. You're gonna leave me here to either blow up or spend the rest of my life in prison. How about I step off this thing right now... take you with me? You could. But won't be no one left to make sure your mama don't fall to no harm. Now, you let me walk out of that door right there, I'll take that bag of cash to her, make sure she don't never want for anything as long as she lives. You got Mr. Limehouse's word on that. [ Breathing heavily ] [ Gulps ] Errol. [ Door closes ] [ Whistling ] [ Clears throat ] [ Cellphone rings ] Raylan: Givens. Tom: Raylan, we found Tanner. Raylan: You did? How? Tom: Believe it or not, he called us. Raylan: Huh. How's he doing? Tom: Not so good. He's over at Lemuel Briggs' place, standing on a land mine. Raylan: Unbelievable. See you in a bit. Raylan: Sheriff. I'm pretty certain he ain't coming. [ Engine revs ] Ava: Ellen May. Wake up. [ Groans ] [ Chuckles ] Ava: Hm. I can't believe I actually slept. Ava: Here. Drink this. Thanks. Ava: Yeah. [ Sighs ] Ava: Put this around your wrists. Huh? Ava: Go on. Wait! Ava: Tighten it up. No... what did I do? No, please. Ava: I need you to stand up. What did I do? No! Ava: Walk to the door, Ellen May. No, please! I'm sorry! [ Crying ] No, please. Ava: Open the door. Please don't make me do this. Ava: Open the door, Ellen May! Don't make me... Ava: Shut up! Walk! Hey, darling. No, no, no, no, no! Please! Please, Ava! No, please! He's gonna kill me! Ava: Shut up! Please! He's gonna... Ava: I got to tell you to shut up again, I'll shoot you myself! Satisfied? See, darling, you got to understand, business is always gonna triumph... [ Gasps ] Ava: Help me clean this up. Tom: Raylan, you know keaton from A.T.F. Raylan: Happy you're here. Not sure I am. Lemuel Briggs is one crafty son of a bitch... knows explosives better than most of my techs. Tom: I ain't going near that thing. Raylan: He still armed? Tom: Yeah. He's afraid to put his gun down... says the weight change might set it off. Knowing Lemuel, he might not be wrong. Make sure all communications are off. Raylan: Tanner. Marshal. Raylan: I need you to drop that gun. Can't. Lemuel said if I move, I blow up. Raylan: Well, you raise it, the situation's gonna be a lot simpler. I ain't raising sh1t. Can't even hardly feel my arms. Damn, that's a nice setup. Raylan: Can you defuse it? Of course. It's gonna take a few hours. No way, man. You got to work faster than that. My legs are about to give out, and I got to piss like a racehorse. Raylan: All right, take it easy, Tanner. He's working on it. How about you take this time to tell me about your boss, huh? How about you get me the hell out of here?! Raylan: You know, I just left your friend Napier. He was waiting for you in a secluded spot with a shovel and a rope. What was that about? You guys doing some gardening? Did Quarles order the car bombing? I don't know what you're talking about. Raylan: Come on, Tanner. We already got you on multiple murders, not to mention assaulting a federal officer. And, although I haven't done forensics yet, I'm pretty sure that's a dead body at your feet there. Now, why don't you tell me something that'll make life easier for you down the road? Are you trying to cut a deal with me when I'm standing on a land mine? Raylan: No better time. sh1t. Raylan: [ Chuckles ] You're just like your mama. She okay? Raylan: She is. She misses you. Tell you what... you help me out, we get you out of here, I'll take you by her place, you can help her set up her TV, huh? Ey, you get me off this thing, I'll tell you anything... Quarles, Napier, whoever. Raylan: No. You tell me right now, or Keaton and I are gonna take a lunch break. I'm a little hungry. Bullshit. Raylan: Quarles ordered the hit on the oxy clinic? My legs are giving out, man, and my hands are sweating rivers! Raylan: Did he kill Gary? [ Breathing heavily ] You need to chill out, pal. [ Gun clatters ] Oh, sh1t! [ High-pitched beeping ] You sit tight. What happened? What'd I do? Oh, you're gonna be fine. I'm just gonna go get the robot. Oh, no, no, no, man. We need to get out of here. Raylan: He needs to tell me what I... come on, man! Raylan: God damn it! Did Quarles kill Gary? Everybody get back! Raylan: Keaton, what the hell's going on? The thing armed itself. Raylan: Armed itself? Are you saying that thing's gonna go off? It's hard to say. But if the thing arms itself, you get the hell... Since I've been in office, violent crime in this county's down almost 12%. Now, Washington's always trying to fix something that ain't broke. But I like to think down here, we know better. Rebuttal? Way I understand it, violent crime is down all over. Mr. Shelby, I believe you'll want to argue against me. [ Laughter ] [ Gavel bangs ] I will remind both candidates to please not interrupt or address each other directly. Yes, sir, but given Mr. Shelby's lack of experience, I'm trying to help him understand the concerns of the local communi- I was a lawman for 20 years. And now you work at the mega-shop as a greeter. [ Audience murmurs ] There's nothing wrong with honest work. Odd you would mention honest work, being as how you lost your security job after a robbery in which you were suspected of being the inside man. [ Audience murmurs ] [ Gavel bangs ] That's enough. Now... next question. Boyd: I got a question. Uh...Mr. Moderator, this man is a convicted felon. We don't let felonvote in this state, do we? Boyd: Well, I didn't come here to vote. You wouldn't be here at all if it weren't for the fact that a few hours ago, friends of yours in the federal law enforcement field saw fit to intervene in our local affairs, forced us to release him from the cell he's been occupying since his cowardly attempt on my life. Boyd: Well, Mr. Napier, I'd like to think that if I was behind an attempt on your life, at the very least, I would have messed up your hair. [ Laughter ] [ Gavel bangs ] All right, now. What's your question there, Boyd? Boyd: Uh, thank you, Harvey. My question is, does Mr. Napier know the name of the company that fired Shelby from his security job? Well, I'll save you the trouble. The name of that company was Black Pike Coal. [ Audience murmurs ] Now, do you want us all to believe that Shelby here's a dishonest man because Black Pike tells us so? Do you think that Shelby's the only man in this room been done wrong by a coal-mining company? Mr. Moderator, how many questions you gonna let this convict ask? Mr. Napier, everybody here knows that the only men the company doesn't do wrong are company men. [ Audience murmurs ] And you stand up there with your slick haircut. [ Laughter ] You look down on Shelby because this man works for a living. [ Audience murmurs ] You talk down to me because I've been in trouble with the law. Well, you know when that trouble began? Why don't you ask your good friend Harvey Jones? He was there. He was on the line when we struck out at Eastover... Brookside, Duke power scabs, and gun thugs coming after us with bicycle chains and bats! Trying to run us over in their cars! [ Audience murmurs ] And I know that you weren't there, Mr. Napier. But there sure were a lot of men there who looked like you. [ Laughter ] Men standing on the company side, laughing at all us hillbillies who were just trying to stand up for what we believed in. [ Audience murmurs ] Now, I'm not saying you're a bad man, Mr. Napier. That, I don't know. But what I do know is that you've been feeding too long at the public trough. [ Audience oohs ] Now, I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm gonna say no to the company man. Audience: No! Boyd: I'm gonna say no to the lawmen who disrespect the rights of the people whose taxes pay for their salaries! [ Audience cheers ] And I'm gonna say no... I'm gonna say no... I'm gonna say no to sheriff Tillman Napier, who laughs in our faces while he makes money off our backs! [ Audience cheering ] [ Gavel bangs ] Johnny: Here's to sheriff Shelby. [ Patrons cheering ] Oh, ll, you got to like the sound of that. Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves here, son. Johnny: Oh, come on. No one's gonna vote for that son of a bitch now. Boyd: He's right, cousin Johnny. Harlan county elections ain't over till the dead have voted. But I will allow... We've had a very good day. Ava: Baby can I have a word? Boyd: Uh, yes, baby... right after we finish this round. Uh, you want to join us? Ava: I'm good. And, uh, sooner's better. [SCENE_BREAK] Boyd: Uh, well, sooner it is. Boys. [SCENE_BREAK] Boyd: H-here? In... in that bar, where, uh... Where all them... them people are standing? Ava: Yeah, but you ain't got to worry about that, because me and Ellen may, we cleaned up every drop. We even got out stains been there 10 years. Boyd: W-where's Delroy now? Ava: Well, he's stinking up an old splinter shaft out past Neary holler. Boyd: Um... uh, well, Ava, I-I appreciate your thoroughness, but now, um, you understand that, uh, well, that Delroy was under our protection. Ava: I know, but buying protection doesn't entitle him to bring his mess to our front door like that. And... [ sighs ] Boyd, you didn't see Ellen May. She was scared. She was scared as a jackrabbit running from a wildcat. Boyd: You know what, baby? If that's the decision you felt you needed to make, well, then I respect it. Ava: Good. Boyd: Mm. Ava: 'Cause I was also thinking... In Delroy's absence, someone's gonna need to keep them girls from getting swallowed up from some other animal. Boyd: Well, now, that That is very true. Uh, but what about your "no whores" policy? Ava: Well, I wasn't talking about you. Boyd: Oh, I'm... I'm sorry. Who were you talking about? Ava: Me. Hi. Ms. Dodd. Got something for you. From Tanner. [ Breathing shakily ] Thanks, Errol. If you need anything, you let me know? [ Voice breaking ] I will. Thank you, Errol. You're welcome. Bye. Raylan: Thank you, Imogene. I'm gonna let myself out the back. And I truly am sorry for your loss. [ Crying ] [ Door opens, closes ] [ TV clicks ] Why didn't you say grace? Because he's bad? I simply forgot it, dear. Aren't you supposed to say grace with bad people? Marshal. Kitchen's closed, but I might could whip up something if you're desperate. Raylan: Closed, huh? Funny... I was just thinking I might have to do the same thing. What's that? Raylan: Close you down. For what? I see to it myself... my kitchen's so clean that the virgin mother herself would eat off of it. Raylan: Ellstin, you think for a minute you could cut out that country-bumpkin, barbecue-king bullshit? You'd rather talk pig sh1t? Raylan: Close. Robert Quarles. [ Cash register drawer closes ] That supposed to mean something to me? Raylan: I'm either gonna put him in prison or in the ground. Well, I'm sure you got your reasons, marshal. Not sure how I fit in. Raylan: You're gonna help me. I would if I could, but, like I said, I don't know any Quarles. Raylan: Quarles' point man in Harlan county got blowed up today. A few hours later, I watched your boy Errol pay the grieving mother. Tell me again that you don't know Robert Quarles. I'm sorry, marshal. I lied to you. Raylan: I know you did. No, not just now. I mean before, when I said I did not remember your daddy. I do remember him. Truth is, I remember every shot I gave him, the way his blood felt on my hands, the crying sound he made when I was laying in on him, and just when the sound was about to stop, he was on his way out... I was gonna finish him off... and looked up and saw you looking... Eyes big as dollar coins. You was about to pee down your little pants leg. Raylan: [ Inhales deeply ] Well, if you thought that memory was gonna upset me, I'm sorry to disappoint. [ Chuckles ] Well, if you like, I can tell you what I remember about your mama. Raylan: That would upset me. Ellstin. You must know why Quarles is down here. There's a war coming. You really want to see Nobles become a battleground? I appreciate your concern, marshal. I really do. But plenty of kings have tried to lay claim on Nobles holler, and none have ever succeeded. Raylan: Thanks to you and your family. That's right. Raylan: That's what you're doing, huh? Just protecting this holler? Right now, I'm just trying to close up for the night. Raylan: So be it. So be it. [ Sighs ]	Plan: A: Raylan; Q: Who clears Boyd's name for the bombing? A: logistical problems; Q: What is Quarles having with Sheriff Napier's campaign? A: Boyd; Q: Who is being framed for the bombing? A: jail; Q: Where is Boyd when Raylan meets him? A: Tanner; Q: Who is the one who got away from the mobile Oxy clinic? A: Quarles' candidate Sheriff Napier; Q: Who is the Sheriff candidate? A: Jim Beaver; Q: Who plays Shelby? A: the crowd; Q: Who does Shelby win over at the town hall debate? A: Limehouse; Q: Who reminds Raylan of nearly killing his father when he was a child? A: Errol; Q: Who is the man who told Tanner to get a refund for Napier's car bomb? A: the bomb-maker; Q: Who did Tanner and Errol rob? A: a landmine; Q: What does Tanner step on while robbing the bomb-maker? A: Tanner's mother's house; Q: Where does Errol deliver the money? A: Johnny Crowder's wishes; Q: Whose wishes does Ava go against when she kills an abusive pimp? A: Boyd protection money; Q: What was the pimp paying for? A: a curious Boyd; Q: Who does Ava tell that she is considering taking over Boyd's position? Summary: Raylan focuses on Quarles, who is having logistical problems with Sheriff Napier's campaign. After a visit from Ava, Raylan sees Boyd in jail, who explains he is being framed by Tanner, and Raylan deduces that Tanner was the one who got away from the mobile Oxy clinic. Raylan clears Boyd's name for the bombing, and Boyd arrives for a town hall debate between Quarles' candidate Sheriff Napier and Boyd's candidate Shelby ( Jim Beaver ), winning over the crowd for Shelby. Raylan looks for Tanner, who is told by Limehouse's man Errol to get a refund for Napier's car bomb. The two of them rob the bomb-maker, but Tanner steps on a landmine, and gives Errol the money to give to his mother. Raylan arrives, but the mine explodes under Tanner before Raylan can question him. Watching Tanner's mother's house, Raylan sees Errol deliver the money. Raylan warns Limehouse that he is closing in on Quarles, but Limehouse reminds Raylan of nearly killing his father when Raylan was little. Ava goes against Johnny Crowder's wishes when she kills an abusive pimp who was paying Boyd protection money, but tells a curious Boyd she is considering taking on his position.
[EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) -- EVENING] Jewel: (V.O., singing "The Star-Spangled Banner") And the rockets red glare-- [INT. CENTER -- NIGHT] Jewel: (singing) The bombs bursting in air, gave proof through the night that our flag was still there. Oh, say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave? For the land of the free -- (It's the opening ceremonies for the Rodeo Championships and Jewel is center stage singing the national anthem.) Jewel: (singing) -- and the home of the brave. (The audience whoops and applauds.) (The lights turn on and the area comes alive.) Voice 1: All right! Go ahead, cinch it up! VOICE 2: Let's go! VARIOUS CUTS OF: (The gate opens and the bull comes out kicking and bucking. He kicks the rider off.) (The gate opens and another bull comes out kicking and bucking. He kicks the rider off. The bull goes after the rider.) (Two bull riders run out to distract the bull and to give enough time for the others to pull the fallen rider to safety.) (More cuts of the competition.) INTERCUT FLASHES OF: (Cody Latshaw is dressed for the rodeo as he makes his way through the corridor.) (Various cuts of: Various bulls kicking and bucking their riders off.) (Cody Latshaw steps out into the arena and heads over to the bull's cage.) Announcer: (overhead, muffled) Welcome to PDR finals in Las Vegas! For two weekends, we have 45 riders competing in a race for the world title. The world champ? He goes home with a million bucks. If you want to talk about pressure, it's all in Las Vegas! (Cody sits on the back of a bull in the pen and secures his right hand under the BULL ROPE.) Announcer: (overhead) Right now, you can get ready for the starting of Coty Latshaw, Elk City, Oklahoma, riding Wintwister. This boy is a champion among champions. Voice: Ready? (Cody nods.) Announcer: (overhead) There's no doubt Cody Latshaw -- he's the real deal! (They open the gate and the bull comes out kicking and bucking. The crowd goes wild. Cody holds on, then falls off the bull. Cody falls on the ground.) MUFFLED AUDIO (The bull kicks him under the chin. Something goes crack. The audience groans loudly.) AUDIO RESUMES (The two bullfighters rush out onto the arena and chase the bull away from Cody. Cody doesn't move.) Man: Get up. Get out. Get out! Hyah! (Cash Dooley watches from the side.) Voice: Hurry up, man. Get him up! (The audience quiets down.) Announcer: Hold off for the main event. (More bullfighters go out onto the arena to keep the bull away from Cody.) Voice: He's a good one. (Cody tries to get up. Cash Dooley rushes over and kneels next to him. Cody's hand shakes on his chest.) Cash Dooley: Hey, Cody. You all right? You okay? Get a stretcher. (louder) Get a stretcher! Cody Latshaw: I don't need a stretcher. Cash Dooley: Are you sure? Cody Latshaw: I'm okay. Just give me a hand. All right. Here we go. (The guys help him back up to his feet. The audience applauds and whistles.) Cody Latshaw: Re-ride! Announcer: Oh, wait a minute! He's up. He's calling for a re-ride. I'm not sure why, but this is exactly why we call him Lazarus. (Cody waves his hat to the crowd.) Ladies and gentlemen, you knock him down, and he rises again. What an athlete! This guy's a true hero! (They escort Cody out.) WHITE FLASH TO: [INT. CENTER (ARENA) -- NIGHT (LATER)] (A body is on the ground in the arena. All we see are a pair of legs in frame. A bull rider chases a white bull around the arena trying to clear the arena. Another rider on a horse swings a lasso to catch the bull. Just outside the gate, Brass and Grissom wait.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Brass and Grissom head toward the body.) Grissom: So, who found him? Brass: Security. We have a tough time finding guys to wrangle a bull. Cowboys like to party when they come to Vegas. (Ty Murray and Dustin Lightfoot walk in and head over to join the others.) Ty Murray: (to Dustin) Did you see anything? Dustin Lightfoot: No, we just put the bull back in the pen. (Ty introduces himself to Brass and Grissom.) Ty Murray: Ty Murray, PBR president. Dustin Lightfoot: And seven-time world champ. Ty Murray: Okay, Dustin. Brass: Jim Brass, Vegas PD. Ty Murray: Nice to meet you. (They shake hands.) Grissom: Gil Grissom, Crime Lab. Ty Murray: Nice to meet you. Brass: What can you tell me about this guy? Ty Murray: Cody Latshaw, a real institution. Most guys his age hung up their rope a long time ago. Grissom: What about the bull? Ty Murray: Wintwister -- he threw Cody earlier tonight, but he got up and was fine. He even asked for a re-ride. Brass: "Re-ride"? Ty Murray: Well, if a bull doesn't buck good enough, they can ask to get on another one. That wasn't the case. Wintwister had a good day. Cody must not have been in his right mind to think he'd get a second shot. (Grissom indicates a rope on the ground.) Grissom: Is this the rope they tie around the bull? Ty Murray: That's one of them. That's the bull rope. (Grissom kneels and looks at the rope.) Grissom: Is that rosin? Ty Murray: Yeah, it helps the rope stick to the glove so they can get a good grip. Grissom: Do all the riders wear a glove? Ty Murray: Yes, sir. Grissom: He's not wearing one. (They turn and look at Cody's bare hands.) Grissom: Guy was living the American dream. Every kid wants to grow up to be a cowboy. Brass: Not a dead cowboy. SMASH TO END OF TEASER ROLL TITLE CREDITS [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY] (Catherine snaps photos of Cody Latshaw on the table. Robbins walks in.) Robbins: Catherine. Catherine: Hi. (Robbins goes to the computer and attaches a flash drive for accessing.) Robbins: PBR Sports Medicine just sent this over. Taken after Cody's fall in competition. (He scrolls through various x-rays.) Robbins: Hmm. He was held together by every kind of hardware but roofing nails. I can relate. Catherine: Yeah, it's a violent sport. Check out his hand. Riders live with constant injuries and pain. (She checks his pants pocket.) They always get on that next bull and try like hell to hang on for the next eight seconds. Robbins: You sound like a fan. Catherine: I used to date a bull rider. Cowboy up. (David Phillips walks in and gives Robbins a flash drive.) David Phillips: Here you go. Robbins: Hey. David Phillips: These are the ones I took. Robbins: Thank you. (Robbins attaches the second flash drive.) Catherine: So there's just a few bills in his pockets. David, why don't you give me a hand here? David Phillips: Oh, sure. (Catherine and David Phillips remove Cody's boots.) Catherine: Some guys keep valuables in their boots. (In the right boot, they find Cody's cell phone and an open bag of chewing tobacco.) David Phillips: Cody's little doggies are right fragrant. Robbins: Catherine, take a look at this. (Catherine walks over.) Robbins: This x-ray shows he walked away from his earlier fall with a hairline fracture of the C1 vertebra. (He points to the x-ray on the monitor.) FLASH TO: [INT. ARENA - FLASHBACK] (SLOW MOTION. The gates open and the bull comes out of the pen bucking and kicking with Cody on its back.) (CGI SHOT - an x-ray view of Cody's spine as the bull continues to kick and buck.) Robbins: (V.O.) In bull riding, the rider's spine must sustain vertical, horizontal and diagonal thrust, together if they put tremendous force onto the spinal column. (An x-ray view of Wintwister's spine.) (Wintwister grunts and Cody falls of his back. He lands on the dirt. Wintwister turns and STOMPS on Cody's neck. X-ray view of Cody's spine shows the break.) BACK TO SCENE. [X-RAY ON MONITOR] Catherine: That guy was a walking time bomb. Any trauma with sufficient force would snap that vertebra and sever the spinal cord. Robbins: It did. (Robbins compares the rodeo x-ray with David's x-rays.) Robbins: The film David just took shows a complete fracture. That's your COD. Consistent with getting thrown a second time. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ARENA - NIGHT] (Grissom is walking across the grounds when Nancy Twicker calls out.) Nancy Twicker: Hey! (He turns and sees her headed toward him.) Nancy Twicker: You got anything to do with taking my bull off tomorrow's day sheet? Grissom: Do you own the bull? Nancy Twicker: Yeah, I'm Nancy Twicker. And I want my bull in the finals. The more he bucks, the more he's worth. So whatever you got to do to clear him, get it done. (She walks with him.) Grissom: Your bull gave Cody Latshaw a pretty brutal beating. Nancy Twicker: It's not the bull's fault. I blame Cody for taking him out after hours. Grissom: Is it true that some riders tie the bull's testicles to get them to buck more? (They head over to the chute.) Nancy Twicker: Well, sure, we always want the bulls to buck. That's why we tie a flank strap across their back. They're trying to shake it off. Think about it. If I tied a rope around your testicles, would you feel like jumping up and down? Grissom: Could a guy get a bull out of this chute without any help? Nancy Twicker: Well, one guy could get a bull all the way to the bucking chute, sure -- (Quick flashback to: Cody sits on Wintwister's back in the chute while another person tightens the bull rope.) Nancy Twicker: (V.O.) -- but well, then he'd have to tie on the bull rope and the flank strap. END OF FLASHBACK. Nancy Twicker: Then he'd have to get on the bull. Grissom: And open the gate. Nancy Twicker: Not without help. (Quick flashback to: The gate is opened and the bull comes out kicking.) Nancy Twicker: (V.O.) The chute only opens from the outside. END OF FLASHBACK. Grissom: I'm going to need to process your bull. Nancy Twicker: Can you do it in eight seconds? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. STALLS - CONTINUOUS] (Wintwister is in his pen. Nancy Twicker and Grissom head over.) Nancy Twicker: Even confined like this, these are not the most cooperative creatures. So if my flank man says get back, you jump. Hey, Cash. (Cash Dooley is closing a pen gate.) Cash Dooley: Howdy, Cash Dooley. (He shakes Grissom's hand.) And my name's about the only cash I got. Grissom: And this is Wintwister? What, uh ... (Grissom takes out his flashlight and looks at Wintwister.) Grissom: What would be the safest way for me to handle his hooves? Cash Dooley: There ain't one. Too dangerous. Nancy Twicker: He's a kicker. Grissom: Do you think I could get him to step on something? Cash Dooley: Sure. But you better let me do the bending. (Grissom opens his kit and takes out a print board.) Grissom: Think you could get him to step on this? (Cash slips the board under Wintwister.) Nancy Twicker: Cash knows bulls like nobody. Heck, before these kids could even walk, they're out riding sheep, then calves and baby bulls. And finally these one-ton, back-jerkin' snot-slingin' monsters. (Cash uses a wire and gets Wintwister to put his hoof down on the board.) Nancy Twicker: Now, they get all busted up and quit ridin', but they just can't quit these animals. (He gives the board to Grissom, who looks at it.) CGI ZOOM in on the fiber. [INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM - NIGHT] (Hodges examines the fiber under the scope.) Hodges: Cotton fiber. Appears to be bloodstained. I need another piece for comparison. (Catherine has Cody's clothes out on the table while Hodges looks up from the scope.) Catherine: Forget how to use the scissors? (She slides the scissors toward him.) Put your fingers in the holes and squeeze. Hodges: Yes, ma'am. (Hodges clips off a fiber sample. He puts it on the slide under scope to examine.) (Catherine turns the ALS on as she examines the clothes.) Catherine: This looks like semen. Hodges: Cowboy had a roll in the hay. Either he's messy or ... uh ... we could have a Brokeback Mountain situation. Catherine: Oh, God, that movie made me cry. Hodges: Me, too. (Catherine turns and looks at him.) Hodges: You know, it takes a big man to admit that. And I am that man. Catherine: You don't say. Hodges: Fibers from the bull are consistent with Cody's shirt. Looks like Wintwister's a killer. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [EXT. STREET -- DAY] (The SUV pulls up. Nick and Greg get out and head for the scene.) Officer Choi: Found her body on patrol, called in the 401AB, apparent fatal. If there were any eyewitnesses, they didn't stick around. (Nick looks at the body while Greg takes his camera out.) Nick: Okay, thanks. (Greg snaps photos of the woman - her tank top and calf-length boots.) (Nick looks around the road. Greg takes the girl's wallet out of her bag.) Nick: Here's the point of impact. Greg: Threw her that far, he must have been going at least ... 45. (Takes out her driver's license.) Tiffany Rigdon, 27, local. Officer Choi: I'll run her for you. (Officer Choi holds out his hand for the driver's license.) Greg: Thanks. (Greg gives it to him and he walks away. He walks past a greenish puddle of liquid on the road.) Nick: Radiator fluid. (Greg continues to look through the woman's bag.) Greg: Bunch of empty liquor miniatures. Card key from Pike's Gambling Hall. (The officer holds the tape up for Nick, who continues to look at the road beyond the taped-off area.) Nick: Hit-and-run. Hit back there ... ran over here. (Greg also leaves the taped-off area as he follows Nick.) (Nick walks over to a large truck parked on the curb.) (Greg opens the passenger door and looks inside. Nick walks around to the driver's side and opens the door to look around.) (Greg opens the glove compartment and looks at the registration slip. The car belongs to CODY LATSHAW.) Greg: RO is Cody Latshaw - Elk City, Oklahoma. Nick: Isn't that Grissom's dead cowboy? Greg: Yeah. Boy, he had a hell of a night. (Quick flashback to: [ARENA] Cody falls off the bull and the bull kicks him in the chin.) Greg: (V.O.) He gets humiliated ... (CUT TO: Cody is driving, turns the corner and hits the woman.) Greg: (V.O.) ... hits a pedestrian ... END FLASHBACK. Greg: ... he ditches the car, walks a couple of blocks to the arena, joyrides a bull, and then ends up getting stomped to death? (Pick picks up a Pike's card key.) Nick: Here's another card key from Pike's Gambling Hall right here. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. PIKE'S LOBBY - DAY] (CGI IMAGE of Cody Latshaw walking across the lobby.) Manager: (V.O.) First one's for room 810, registered to Cody Latshaw. (END IMAGE.) (Nick and Catherine are at the front desk as the manager checks the card keys. Nick hands him the second card key.) Nick: Here you go. (The manager swipes the card and the following information appears on the monitor: PIKES REGISTRATION NO: XZ192116 Guest: TIFFANY RIGDON ROOM NO: 810 ROOM TYPE: SUITE ROOM PREFERENCES: QUEEN BED, SMOKING OCCUPANTS: 2 CHECK - IN DATE: 01/09/08 CHECK - OUT DATE: 01/12/08 PAYMENT: MC CREDIT CARD CARD NO: ** ** 99017 EXPIRATION DATE: 07/2010 Manager: Second one's also to room 810. (CGI IMAGE of Tiffany Rigdon walking across the lobby.) Manager: (V.O.) It's a complimentary guest key issued to Tiffany Rigdon. (END IMAGE.) (Nick and Catherine look at each other.) Nick: Cody knew the girl he ran over. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. PIKE'S ROOM 810 - DAY] (The door opens. Catherine and Nick walk in with an officer. They look around.) Nick: Lucky for us, housekeeping's a little slow on the uptake. (Catherine looks in the bag on the floor.) Catherine: Riding glove. So he wasn't planning on re-riding Wintwister when he left here. Nick: Threw back a bunch of beers, some liquor. I don't see any drugs. Catherine: Bed looks used. Maybe he partied with Tiffany. (Catherine finds a crumpled piece of paper.) Nick: Bet it cost him. I ran her priors. She's got a couple for solicitation. (Catherine opens it and finds a poem.) Catherine: (reads) I can't help now but wonder what your brown eyes were concealing. They just showed me reflections of all that I was feeling ... Our bodies close together like my ride hand in my glove. Hearts pounding with excitement and, dare I say it, love. (Catherine looks at Nick.) Catherine: Nobody ever wrote me a poem. (She continues reading.) Catherine: (reads) I know I'll never own you. It's your nature to run free, but I pray the Lord above that one day you'll come back to me. (Nick finds a note on the table.) Catherine: (sighs) That's sweet. Nick: (reads) "By the time you read this, I'll be married. He's a great guy. Honest, Cody, I'll always be thankful for everything you did for me. Love, Tiffany." Catherine: Sounds like it was more than a money relationship. Nick: Mm-hmm. Catherine: Broken bones -- he gets up and rides again. Nick: Broken heart and he's a killer. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) -- DAY] Grissom: (V.O., reads) Then we'll ride off in glory until our time is done [INT. CSI - HALLWAY - DAY] (Grissom reads the poem as he walks with Nick.) Grissom: (reading) "And I will be your hero, your cowboy in the sun." Nick: It's not Shakespeare. Grissom: I'm actually a fan of cowboy poetry. Nick: Are you really? Grissom: Yeah, it's just a way of organizing your thoughts and feelings so that you can make sense of them. Nick: Well, it sounds like Cody was trying to make sense out of his girl leaving him. Grissom: Yeah, well, poetry can help you with that, too. (Grissom hands the evidence bag back to Nick and he continues walking. Nick watches him go.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - FORENSIC AUTOPSY -- DAY] (Robbins goes over the findings for Tiffany Rigdon's body with Catherine as they stand next to the sheet-covered body on the table.) Robbins: Rib fractures, multiple lacerations, pulmonary contusions, lacerated aorta, lacerated liver. I could go on, but you get the idea. Catherine: COD was multiple blunt force trauma. Robbins: Right, but not all of it was from the hit-and-run. (Robbins lifts up the sheet to show Catherine Tiffany's legs.) Robbins: You see the coloration of the bruises? Catherine: Yellowish. Robbins: They're from an event at least 12 hours before the accident. Catherine: Maybe Cody had rejection issues. Could be why she was leaving him. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GARAGE - DAY] (Greg and Nick go over the SUV in the garage. Nick checks out the seats while Greg snaps photos of the back.) Greg: Lot of tools back here. Nick: Yeah. Bullriding's an equipment-intensive sport. (Greg puts the camera down and picks up one of the tool kits. He takes it to the counter and opens it. He finds something.) Greg: What have we here? (Nick watches as Greg picks it up to look at it.) Some kind of cattle prod? Nick: They don't use those in professional bull riding. (Wendy walks in.) Wendy: Hey, Buckaroos. Have you seen Catherine? 'Cause I just got the results from that semen stain on Cody Latshaw's jeans. Nick: Come up with a match? Wendy: I did. I had to run an Ouchterlony test on it. Greg: So not from a human donor? Wendy: No ... no. Bovine. (off their looks) Yeah ... I took a psychobiology class once and we studied a very interesting case. Okay, there was a guy, he lived on a farm, and literally the only way that this guy could get sexually satisfied was when he was with livestock. Nick: (interrupts) That's okay. I'm good. Wendy: (not deterred) Well, see, apparently, the whole thing started one night because he was in the barn -- it started snowing. He got stuck in there. He couldn't make his way back to the farmhouse, so he decided that he would try and stay warm ... well, with a sheep. (Nick looks at her.) Wendy: But then the horses were jealous, so ... (Greg hooks up the tool together.) Wendy: -- and ... you know, and I think there was a cow in there as well ... Greg: (interrupts) You know, I think we got the picture. Nick: I wish I didn't. (Greg turns the machine on and it starts buzzing and vibrating.) Greg: I think I know what this is for. (Nick gets the picture. Wendy smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. PD - BRASS' OFFICE -- DAY] (OPEN ON: a photo of the electroejaculator equipment.) Nancy Twicker: It's called an electroejaculator. It's used on bulls that have back trouble. (She looks away and isn't happy about it at all. Brass is holding the photo.) Brass: It looks, uh ... pretty persuasive. Nancy Twicker: Yeah. Brass: So ... uh ... was Cody helping you collect from Wintwister? Nancy Twicker: Hell, no. First of all, you don't collect during competition. Brass: Right, right, so like an athlete before a game. Nancy Twicker: Now you're talking. And when I do collect, I bring a service out to the ranch. You know, one collection from that old boy gives you about ... two hundred breeding units. At a hundred bucks a pop, you do the math. Brass: Well, if the stuff is so valuable, maybe Cody was doing a little moonlighting, you know, collecting on his own, making a little extra money. Nancy Twicker: Cattle rustling? No, not Cody. Brass: We found bull semen on his jeans. Nancy Twicker: Cody wouldn't steal from me. Besides, it's a two-person job, no matter which method you use. Brass: There's more than one? Nancy Twicker: In addition to your electroejaculation, you got what's called an artificial vg1n. Now, you get a teaser animal in there, like a steer. See, bulls go homosexual in captivity. You get that bull to mount that steer, then you get that AV in there right before the ... Brass: Yeah, I get the point. (Brass shows Nancy a MUG SHOT photo of Tiffany Rigdon.) Brass: Do you know this girl? We think she's Cody's girlfriend. Nancy Twicker: (scoffs) Yeah. I thought he had a new girlfriend in Vegas from the way his mood was changing. She's younger, probably ... does whatever he says. Brass: Mm-hmm. Nancy Twicker: Listen, if you need anything else, I'll be at the arena all day. Brass: I thought Wintwister didn't compete tonight. Nancy Twicker: Well, Captain, I'm not a one-bull kind of gal. (She turns at the door, winks at him and puts her hat on as she slips out the office.) (Just then, an officer leads a Grissley Geezer into the office.) Officer: Here you are, sir. (The officer leaves. Brass looks up from his desk.) Brass: Can I help you? Grissly Geezer: Saw a woman get killed last night. (Brass stands up.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - HALLWAY / PRINT LAB - DAY] (Catherine is on the phone with Brass as she walks through the hallway.) Brass: (filtered) Hey, Cath, listen, it's Jim. We got an eyewitness confirming that Tiffany's TOD was after 2:21 AM. Catherine: Well, that's over an hour after Cody's body was found. Thanks, Jim. (Catherine hangs up. She enters the print lab.) Catherine: Hey. (Nick is running the fingerprints through the database.) Nick: Hey. I got prints from the truck, but half of them are Cody's. Catherine: Well, it is his truck. (The computer beeps: NO MATCH.) Catherine: So ... get this. There's a witness that puts Tiffany's TOD after Cody's. He didn't kill her. Nick: I think he had a partner. There's a set of unknowns both on the truck and on the ... uh ... electro-love machine. Catherine: So ... say this partner thought Tiffany knew something about the semen rustling and he ran her over to keep her quiet. Nick: So who's the partner? Catherine: We've got Cody's phone. Find out who he's been talking to. (Catherine leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - A/V LAB - DAY] MONITOR SCREEN: Phone Records for CODY LATSHAW (Most of the calls are for Elk City, Oklahoma - 580-555-0194, Henry Latshaw.) Archie: Most of Cody's calls were to a number in Durant, Oklahoma. Nick: He lived on the family ranch. He was probably letting his folks know how he was doing in the finals. Archie: All other calls were to PBR staff and to Tiffany. Nick: What about her records? Archie: Well, they're a little more interesting. Check out ... last night. (Archie pulls up TIFFANY RIGDON'S records.) Archie: A dozen calls after midnight from Eric Hong. (The information sheet and MUG SHOT photo appears on the monitor.) Nick: Precious Ricky. Archie: You know this guy? Nick: Yeah, he's a pimp, and he quit calling her after 2:00 AM, like he knew she was already dead. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - DAY] [INT. PD - INTERVIEW ROOM -- DAY] (The officer leads Eric "Precious Ricky" Hong into the room. "Precious Ricky" laughs.) Eric "Precious Ricky" Hong: All right, I don't want nobody hitting me. All right? (He sits down. Nick is sitting on the table in front of the mirror.) Nick: Nobody's going to hit you, Rick. Eric "Precious Ricky" Hong: Good. Nick: This is about Tiffany Rigdon. Eric "Precious Ricky" Hong: Beautiful girl, skin like butterfly wings. Nick: Did you beat her up? Eric "Precious Ricky" Hong: I'm a lover, brother. Nick: Let me tell you something, man. You play around with me, I'm gonna throw your ass in jail. You feel me? Eric "Precious Ricky" Hong: Yeah, I feel you. Nick: Good. (Nick stands up.) So she said she was leaving you, going to get married, right? (Eric shrugs.) Nick: Oh, come on. At least admit I'm right about that. Eric "Precious Ricky" Hong: Yeah, okay, sure. Nick: Is that when you took her boyfriend's truck and ran her over? Eric "Precious Ricky" Hong: Wait. Nick: It's a good plan, Rick - Eric "Precious Ricky" Hong: Wait. Nick: You get the boyfriend and a little revenge to boot. I mean, it's ... Eric "Precious Ricky" Hong: Okay, I didn't like the girl quitting on me, especially during one of my busiest freaking weeks of the year, and I wanted to talk her out of it. Nick: Is that all you did: talk? Eric "Precious Ricky" Hong: No, I couldn't even talk to her. She wouldn't take my calls, so I quit trying. Nick: Where were you making all these phone calls from? Eric "Precious Ricky" Hong: From a country-western bar. I hit them all when the cowboys come to town. Nick: Mm-hmm, all right, all right, I'll check it out. Eric "Precious Ricky" Hong: Yeah, you do that, please. Nick: I didn't take you for a country music fan. Yee-ha. (Nick heads out, leaving Eric in the room. He starts tapping his fingers against the tabletop.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. VARIOUS LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. COUNTRY-WESTERN BAR - NIGHT] (The live band is on stage playing an upbeat country song. The place is packed.) Lyrics: This ol' wheel keeps on rollin' down the road This ol' wheel keeps on rollin' down the road Oh, gravel and dust fly up off of truck drivers Down a dirt road in Nashville In the summertime in 1996 I was listenin' to my dad and Johnny Cash doing "Chain Gang" And talkin' trash with Savannah and smokin' cigarettes But it wasn't that long Till I tasted the salt of the sea But she was still in love with the guy she left for me so She stood there cryin' as I packed my pack And I knew that I was lyin' when I said that I'd be back This ol' wheel keeps on rollin' down the road (A girl turns to her friend and points to a man on the side. He notices her and touches the rim of his white hat. The blonde-haired friend heads over.) (The band continues to play.) Lyric: This ol' wheel keeps on rollin' down the road Now fast forward to about 2003 I'm standin' on the corner Of Hollywood and Vine, just a six-string and me (A man in a white hat passes Coco at the billiard table on his way to the restroom.) Lyric: And that Capitol building -- lookin' up at that thing Wonderin' when am I gonna get my chance to sing But faced with that kind of predicament It'd be pretty hard not to get choked up When every hero I had has died and every band I had broke up (A man goes into the restroom. At the urinal, he turns and notices a body on the floor in one of the stalls.) (He finishes and goes to the stall.) (Inside, Eric "Precious Ricky" Hong is on the floor, dead from a gunshot to the chest.) FLASH TO: [INT. COUNTRY-WESTERN BAR - MEN'S ROOM - NIGHT] (Greg and Nick look at the body on the floor.) Nick: Shotgun. Greg: At a close range. Nick: Would have been pretty loud, but everything is in a place like this. Greg: Cowboys, cattle rustling, and now a shooting at the dance hall. Nick: Welcome to the Wild West. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. COUNTRY-WESTERN BAR - MAIN ROOM - NIGHT] (Brass talks with Coco.) Brass: So, Coco, you didn't see anyone threaten Precious Ricky? Coco: I was trying to put the nine ball in the corner pocket. Brass: Yeah, right. You know this girl? (He shows her Tiffany Rigdon's photo.) Coco: That's Tiffany. She got married last night. Lucky bitch. Brass: Do you know who the groom was? Coco: Troy? Troy something? Brass: Know anything about him? Coco: No. She just met him. Sweet kid. He ... uh ... took her side when that cowgirl trash got all up in her face. (She turns to indicate a blonde-haired girl talking with an officer.) (Quick FLASHBACK to: It's night. The band is up on stage. Tiffany is sitting with Precious Ricky in a booth. He whispers something to her. She gets up and heads over to the man at the bar.) Tiffany Rigdon: Hey, cowboy. Troy Birkhart: Hey. Tiffany Rigdon: Like that hat. Troy Birkhart: Thank you. (She takes his hat off.) Tiffany Rigdon: What's underneath don't look too bad, either. (He chuckles.) Tiffany Rigdon: I'm Tiffany. Troy Birkhart: I'm Troy. (Tiffany puts Troy's hat on and poses for him.) (Two girls walk up to them.) Buckle Bunny 1: (to Tiffany) We know what you are. (Tiffany stops smiling and takes Troy's hat off.) Troy Birkhart: Excuse me, Miss, but we're having a private conversation here. Buckle Bunny 2: Why pay that cow when others would give you the milk for free? (The girls laugh.) Troy Birkhart: I think you owe her an apology. Buckle Bunny 1: We don't want your kind in here. (Tiffany pushes the BUCKLE BUNNY 1.) Tiffany Rigdon: Oh, yeah? (Buckle bunny 1 pushes Tiffany back.) Buckle Bunny 1: Whore! Tiffany Rigdon: That's it! (They start pushing and shoving each other.) Troy Birkhart: Hey, hey! Hey! (Buckle Bunny 2 pushes Tiffany, who pushes her back. Troy turns to keep Buckle Bunny 1 away from Tiffany.) Buckle Bunny 2: Come on! Troy Birkhart: Hold-hold-hold on! (The bouncers get involved. Tiffany punches the Buckle Bunny twice in the face. She grabs Tiffany and pushes her up against Eric's table. Eric stands up. Someone in a black hat punches him in the face. It's a full-on bar brawl.) (Two men in black hats punch each other. The two Buckle Bunnies grab Troy Birkhart and pull him away from Tiffany.) Troy Birkhart: Hey! Tiffany! (The fight continues. The band continues to play.) (Troy sees Tiffany being beaten up. He runs over to her.) Troy Birkhart: Tiffany, come on! (He pushes the other girl off Tiffany. He and Tiffany head for the door.) Tiffany Rigdon: Wait. Wait. (They kiss.) Tiffany Rigdon: Let's go. (They leave the bar and the fight behind them.) END OF FLASHBACK. (Coco smiles wistfully.) Coco: She came back last night and said that she was going to marry the guy. Brass: It's kind of impulsive, isn't it? Coco: Hey, cop, somebody says they want to marry you, take care of you, pay all your bills, give you a nice place to live, why would you even wait? [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] (Nick and Greg talk with Connie Dellaquilla.) Connie Dellaquilla: It's always crazy busy with the cowboys in this town. You know, I think it's being around all these bucking bulls. Gets them all worked up. Brings out their animal instinct to mate. (She laughs.) Greg: According to the marriage bureau, Troy Birkhart and Tiffany Rigdon got their license just before midnight. Nick: And then, what, Troy came over to your chapel to set up the service? Connie Dellaquilla: Yeah. He said his girl was changing at the hotel. It's the old story, you know. She gets cold feet, he can't face the truth, keeps thinking she's running late. Quick FLASHBACK TO: [EXT. DELLAQUILLA WEDDING CHAPEL - NIGHT] (Troy has a JUST MARRIED flag on his truck. He's got a spray can and shakes it. He writes on the window TROY & TIFF.) (CUT TO: Troy is waiting next to his truck. He looks at his watch as he waits for Tiffany.) (CUT TO: He takes his hat off as he hears a woman giggle and watches another couple exit the chapel to get into their waiting limo.) (The limo VANISHES and time passes. And still Troy waits.) END OF FLASHBACK. Greg: How long did he wait? Connie Dellaquilla: Hours. He shows me the prize buckles he's won for bull riding. Tells me he's going on the pro tour next year. The little ranch they're going to settle down on ... "Where the wind comes sweeping down the plains." Nick: And what time did he end up leaving? Connie Dellaquilla: A little after 3:00 AM. Frankly, if she's not going to make a go of it, I say, better now than down the road before all the lawyers and the property and all that mess. Nick: Wedding chapel's only a couple blocks from the crime scene. Greg: Yeah, and she was killed at 2:30. Nick: Mm-hmm. Connie Dellaquilla: Killed? Nick: Yeah, on the way to her own wedding. I'll get a BOLO out on Troy's vehicle. (Nick gets up and leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. LAS VEGAS CITY (STOCK) - NIGHT] [INT. GARAGE -- NIGHT] (Warrick pulls into a parking stall. He turns the rearview mirror and checks himself in the reflection.) Dispatcher: (from radio) Attention, all officers: attempt to locate yellow two-toned Dodge Ram pickup, Texas plates Charlie Nora Baker Queen Seven Five Zero. (Warrick turns and sees the yellow pickup next to him. Inside, Troy is struggling to put the muzzle of a shotgun under his chin.) Dispatch: (from radio) Troy Birkhart, white male adult, wanted in connection with a 415-Adam, Eric Hong homicide. Warrick: (to radio) Dispatch, this is C-21 Brown. The pickup that you're looking for is on level 3 of the PD garage. Suspect is in the vehicle, armed and agitated. (Troy hits the steering wheel.) Warrick: (to radio) I repeat: suspect is armed and agitated. (Warrick checks his gun.) Dispatch: (from radio) Copy, C-21. Units responding. Code Three. (Troy is trying to put the muzzle of the shotgun under his chin. In the stall over, Warrick gets out of his car.) (Troy takes a couple of panting breaths. Warrick approaches the truck and approaches from behind.) Warrick: Hey, buddy. Hey. You must be Troy, huh? (Troy glances to the side.) Warrick: Just be cool, okay? (Off to the side, the elevator door opens and officers get out onto the floor.) Warrick: All right? Brass: (shouts, o.s.) Hey, Troy, listen to me. (Brass and Nick walk over. Warrick backs up to join them.) Brass: We don't want anyone getting hurt, okay? So put the gun down. Come out of the truck with your hands up. Put the gun down, Troy. Just let it fall away. Now. He moves on that gun, don't wait. (Nick sees the truck's license plates and gets an idea.) Nick: Hang on, Jim. Let me ... Let me talk to him real quick. Brass: Okay, but we're not taking any chances. Nick: Yeah, yeah, okay. (Nick walks over toward the truck.) Nick: Hey, Troy, when's the last time you got down to Big Bend? Huh? You-you got the plate frame. Man, I used to go to summer camp down there. Troy Birkhart: Stay back! Nick: Hey, take it easy, Troy. Look, I got no weapon on me. Okay, I just want to talk to you for a second. Troy Birkhart: I killed somebody! Nick: Yeah, I know. You came out to Vegas, and you got in over your head, but this is getting out of control. If you don't put that gun down, these cops are going to start shooting, and that could turn out very bad for both of us. You know what I mean? Troy Birkhart: I'm just ... I'm just doing the right thing. Making sure you know it was me. And I'll pay for what I did. Eye for an eye, man. Nick: Hey. (Nick takes a step forward.) Troy Birkhart: Stay back! I'll do it, I swear! I'll do it, I swear! Nick: No, Troy, just wait. Hang on now. Listen to me. I know about Tiffany. I know why she stood you up at the wedding chapel. Troy Birkhart: (voice breaking) That Ricky. Thought he owned her. (Quick flashback to: [RESTROOM] Troy finds Eric in the bathroom.) Eric "Precious Ricky" Hong: Hey. Hey! Hey, what you doing, man? (He fires.) END OF FLASHBACK. Troy Birkhart: He wouldn't let her come. Nick: Hey, man, look at me. Look at me. (Troy turns and looks at Nick.) Nick: I know she wanted to be there for you. Come on out of there, man. I'll tell you all about it. You don't want to do this. (Nick walks over to the open truck window.) Nick: Give me that. Come on, give me that thing. Give it to me. (Troy loosens his hold on the gun. Nick reaches in through the window-- Nick: It's going to be okay. -- and pulls the gun away.) (A couple of officers rush forward. Nick turns and gives the gun to Brass.) Brass: Nice job. (Nick looks at Warrick.) Warrick: You didn't go to summer camp. (Nick chuckles.) Nick: Missed you around here. Welcome back. Warrick: Thanks. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - LAYOUT ROOM -- NIGHT] (Grissom meets with Catherine and Nick.) Grissom: Well we know that Cody was alone when he died because he couldn't have opened the bucking chute by himself. Catherine: And we know that someone other than Cody put the electroejaculation equipment into the truck and drove away. Nick: Killing Tiffany. Grissom: Whoever that someone was knew how to get into the arena, and also how to use the equipment. (Hodges appears in the doorway carrying two bull ropes.) Hodges: (twang) More cowbell! (Hodges puts the bull ropes down on the layout table.) Hodges: I processed these for you. Grissom: And? Hodges: Well, as you can see, they're bull ropes. These are the kind that the riders hold in their hands. Every rider has one, and they're usually custom-made. I mean, look at that craftsmanship. Grissom: Yeah, it's exquisite. Catherine: Now, that's the rope that I collected from Cody's room? Hodges: Yes, it is. Uh, you'll note that it is polynylon. Now the rope that was collected from the crime scene, though, was long sisal, a type of hemp. Very old-school, and they stopped making it years ago. Nick: That means the rope found with Cody's body belonged to someone who's been around for a while. (Grissom looks at Nick and smiles.) Grissom: How'd you like to go on a roundup? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ARENA - BACK PENS -- NIGHT] (The crowd roars. Brass, Nick and an officer walk up to Nancy Twicker, talking with a couple of guys.) Brass: Hey, Ms. Twicker, how's it going? (The two men leave and Nancy Twicker turns to Brass.) Nancy Twicker: It'd be going a lot better if my bull Wintwister was in there bucking. Nick: Is Cash Dooley here? Nancy Twicker: Cash! (Cash looks up from his locker.) Nancy Twicker: Cops want to talk to you. (Cash puts his lock down and heads over.) Brass: Hey, Mr. Dooley. So, where you staying when you're here in Vegas? Cash Dooley: Here. Nancy Twicker: He's got the sleeper cab up front. Brass: Oh, right here. Nick: Is that where you keep your clothes, the rest of your stuff? Cash Dooley: What's this about? Nick: I'd like to take a look in that cab. Cash Dooley: No. It's private. Nancy Twicker: Now hold on. I own this rig. If you guys want to search it, go ahead. (Cash Dooley doesn't look happy about it.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. PARKING LOT / INT. SLEEPER CAB - NIGHT] (Nick and the officer head over to the rig. Nick puts his kit down and opens the door. He climbs up and looks inside.) (Inside the open bag, he finds a buckle: PROFESSIONAL BULL RIDERS WORLD 1997 FINALS.) (He opens another bag and finds LATEX TUBING, a couple of tubes of LUBRICATING JELLY, and a lot of glass TEST TUBES.) Brass: (PRE-LAP) (V.O.) Well, bull semen is property, and that property isn't yours so it's theft. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. PD - INTERVIEW ROOM - NIGHT] (Brass talks with Cash Dooley.) Brass: Now, here's what I think happened. You know Cody. He's at the end of his career. He's a little down on his luck. Never put any money aside. Wintwister's output goes for 20 grand a pop on the open market. So, you and Cody, you get together, you do the deed and ... uh ... sell it on the sly. Cash Dooley: If you knew Cody, you'd know he'd never do anything like that. Brass: And then when he told his girlfriend, you took his truck. Cash Dooley: He always let me borrow his truck. Brass: Even when it was to hunt down his girl? (The door opens and Catherine pops her head inside the room.) Catherine: Jim? (Brass stands up and heads out of the room.) [INT. PD - HALLWAY - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS] (Brass talks with Catherine.) Catherine: We ran his ten-card against the prints from the truck and the equipment. They don't match. Brass: So, there is a third guy? Catherine: Right. So now, I'm convinced that Cody Latshaw's death was not an accident. [INT. PD - INTERVIEW ROOM - NIGHT] (Brass enters the room and sits down.) Brass: Okay, so who is working with you on this, Cash, huh? Who was at the wheel of Cody's truck when you ran down that girl? Was it someone in the arena? (Cash doesn't answer.) Brass: What's this, a cowboy code of silence? Look, you want to make me compel fingerprints from everyone working in that arena, I can do that. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ARENA -- NIGHT] (The arena is packed as the event continues.) Announcer: (over PA) Here is Dale Wylie! (Dale Wylie is on the bull. The gates open, the bull comes out kicking and bucking.) [INT. ARENA - CORRIDOR -- NIGHT] (Grissom walks up to Brass and Nancy Twicker.) Grissom: We got a match! Dustin Lightfoot. Nancy Twicker: Dustin? He's a bullfighter. [DUSTIN] (Dustin turns and looks over at Brass, Grissom and Nancy Twicker. She turns and points at him.) Nancy Twicker: He's right there. (Dustin jumps off the fence and runs across the grounds.) Brass: (to radio) I got a 440 exiting the east end of the arena. Head him off. (An officer takes off after him. Dustin runs out of the arena.) [INT. ARENA - BACK PENS - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (Dustin runs through the back pens. The officer is right after him.) Officer: (to radio) In the tunnel headed your way. [INT. ARENA - BACK CORRIDOR - NIGHT -- CONTINUOUS] (Dustin runs through the back tunnels. Two officers block his exit. He stops and raises his hands up high.) Officer: Hold it. Freeze. Right there. OFFICER: Don't move. (The officer comes up behind him to handcuff him.) Officer: Hands behind your back. (Brass walks up to him.) Brass: Well, howdy, partner. This is a new experience for me. First time I caught me a cattle rustler. Quick FLASHBACK TO: [INT. ARENA - BACK PENS -- NIGHT] (Wintwister bellows softly. Cash puts his gloves on and picks up the electroejaculator.) Dustin Lightfoot: (V.O.) Look, Cash and me was just trying to make a little extra money. (Cody walks in, drinking from a bottle. He empties the bottle and tosses it.) Brass: (V.O.) Then Cody Latshaw came in drunk and itching for a fight. (Cody finds Dustin preparing to catch the semen while Cash puts lubricant on the probe.) Cody Latshaw: Hey! Quit that! (Dustin stands up.) Dustin Lightfoot: Hey, Cody. Cody Latshaw: You hear me? (Dustin heads over toward Cody.) Dustin Lightfoot: Cody, relax. Ain't nobody hurtin' anybody. Cody Latshaw: That ain't your property. Dustin Lightfoot: Cody, Cody, ... (Cody punches Dustin. Dustin turns and punches Cody. Cody falls to the ground. Cash stops Dustin from swinging again.) Cash Dooley: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. (He turns Cody over and checks for a pulse.) Cash Dooley: He ain't breathin'. END OF FLASHBACK. [INT. PD - INTERVIEW ROOMK] (Brass and Grissom talk with Dustin Lightfoot.) Dustin Lightfoot: We wasn't tryin' to kill him. Grissom: He had a cervical fracture from his earlier ride. It didn't take much to snap his spine. FLASHBACK TO: SLOW MOTION. Dustin punches Cody. Cody's neck snaps back. BACK TO SCENE. Brass: Then you tried to make it look like an accident. FLASHBACK TO: [INT. SLEEPER CAB - NIGHT -- FLASHBACK] (The door opens and Cash climbs up. He grabs his bull rope.) [INT. ARENA - NIGHT - FLASHBACK] (Cash and Dustin drag Cody's body out onto the arena. They put him on the ground and toss the bull rope to the side.) BACK TO SCENE. Brass: But you didn't have to run over his girlfriend. Dustin Lightfoot: (stunned) That girl we hit -- that was ... that was Cody's girlfriend? Brass: Yeah, you didn't know? Dustin Lightfoot: We was racing to get the product to our buyer. And we took Cody's truck 'cause, well, mine ain't air-conditioned and, and he wasn't gonna be usin' it. FLASHBACK TO: [INT. TRUCK (RACING) - NIGHT - FLASHBACK] (Dustin is driving. Cash is in the passenger seat, clutching the cooler in his lap. They turn the corner and hit Tiffany. Tires screech.) BACK TO SCENE. (Brass nods. The officer escorts Dustin out of the room.) Catherine: (V.O.) It's kind of a lonely life, these cowboys, every weekend a different town. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE - NIGHT] (Catherine and Nick talk.) Nick: That's part of the tradition, you know. Solitary man out there trying to find himself. Catherine: Yeah, but no man is an island. I mean, obviously, he had feelings for Nancy or he wouldn't have written her that poem. Nick: Nancy? I don't know about that. Tiffany's the one that broke his heart. Grissom: (o.s.) I don't think it's about either girl. (Grissom reads the poem.) Grissom: (reads) "I can't help now but wonder what your brown eyes were concealing." (to Nick) Did you read Tiffany's autopsy report? Nick: Oh. Yeah, her eyes were blue. Grissom: So were Nancy's. Nick: Then who did he write the poem for? Grissom: Wintwister. (Nick doesn't believe it. Neither does Catherine.) Catherine: The bull? Grissom: I think that's why he went back to the arena that night. Wordsworth once wrote, "Through love we feel we are greater than we know." My guess is, riding that bull, Cody felt like a greater man. MONTAGE OF: [INT. ARENA - BACK CORRIDOR -- NIGHT] (Cody walks through the pens on his way out to the arena floor.) Grissom: (reads, v.o.) Our bodies close together, like my ride hand in my glove. CLOSE ON: The bull in the pen.) Grissom: (reads, v.o.) Hearts pounding with excitement, and dare I say it, love. [INT. CSI - GRISSOM'S OFFICE] Grissom: (reads) I know I'll never own you; it's your nature to run free. But I pray the Lord above that one day you'll come back to me. [INT. ARENA - NIGHT] (Cody is on the bucking bull.) Grissom: (reads, v.o.) Then we'll ride off in glory until our time is done. And I will be your hero, your cowboy in the sun.	Plan: A: Three murders; Q: How many murders occur during an annual bull-riding rodeo in Las Vegas? A: a hit-and-run victim; Q: Who is the second victim? A: the dead bull rider; Q: Who is the second victim linked to? A: a local pimp; Q: Who is the third victim? A: a saloon's restroom; Q: Where is the third victim found? A: The investigation; Q: What reveals the crimes may be connected to an illegal bull-breeding ring? Summary: Three murders occur during an annual bull-riding rodeo in Las Vegas. The first victim is a bull rider who is discovered after hours in an empty bull ring. The second is a hit-and-run victim who is linked to the dead bull rider. Later, a third victim, a local pimp, is gunned down in a saloon's restroom. The investigation reveals the crimes may be connected to an illegal bull-breeding ring.
Michael: The fundamentals of business. The funda-mentals of business. "Mental" is part of the word, I have underlined it. Because you're mental, if you don't have a good time. You have to enjoy it. Toby: Well the "fun" is in it. [conference room group chimes agreement.] Michael: Get out. Toby: [halfway out] Yeah, I know. Michael: Yes. So, it all starts with a handshake. But you can't just go right to the selling, you need "small talk." What topics can you use for small talk? Andy: Golf. Michael: Mmhm. Andy: Stock market. Michael: Mmhm. Andy: Dave Matthews. Michael: Yes, what else? Creed: Uh, small things. Peas, ball bearings, dimes... Michael: No. Meredith: The weekend! Michael: Yeah! That's good! Come on up! Meredith, come up here. Let's do a little something. So Meredith and I have just started conversing and I will say, "So Meredith, how was your weekend, what did you do?" Meredith: Well I caught my son taking a dump on the upper part of the toilet. Michael: All right... Meredith: He calls it an upper decker. Michael: Okay, okay. God. What you people don't know about business, I could fill a book with. Ryan: Then do it. Michael: What? Ryan: Write a book. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [into mini recorder] The fundamentals of business by Michael Scott. Over one billion sold. More than the Bible, I'm not surprised. Chapter one. The businessman... [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: [Michael walks in office, man waits on couch] Mr. Grotti, this is Michael Scott. He's the person you should talk to. Michael: Oh hi. I'm sorry, just a sec. [whispers] Erin, you're supposed to be the gatekeeper, do you have any idea how valuable my time is? Erin: In your schedule it just says nine til noon is "creative space" and I thought this could be part of that. Michael: Do you know how creative space works? Okay I just cancelled my afternoon. Erin: You don't have anything in the afternoon. It just says "free play." Michael: Push free play til tomorrow morning. [to Grotti] Hi. Sorry. Crazy day. You're seeing how the sausage gets made. Grotti: Ah. Michael: Come in the conference room and I will show you a finished sausage. [SCENE_BREAK] Grotti: As a manager of business, you have a lot of pride. Michael: Mmhm. Grotti: But you also got a lot of responsibility Michael: Yep. Grotti: None greater perhaps, than your need to be sure, that your small or large business is secure in the event of a covered loss. Michael: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: There is nothing more insulting to a great salesman, than having to listen to a bad salesman. It's like a great basketball player having to listen to a bad basketball player. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Jim's gone on his honeymoon. So I started borrowing his office to fart in. Then one day I came in and I just stayed. Cause this place is awesome. It feels like home now. Even better than my home. My home sucks. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: What do you think? Dwight: I think you're right. It definitely looks suspicious. And his southern Italian heritage raises some flags. Grotti: God forbid you... should have a fire in the warehouse. Michael: Oh yup. Yeah, definitely. All that paper burning up. Grotti: Yeah, and a truck, goes off the side of the road, there's injury. Michael: Mmhm, I hear you. The truck. Grotti: You will be hearing from me Mr. Scott. Michael: Okay, well. Grotti: I can be very very persistent. Michael: Do your worst. [they shake hands] Michael: [Grotti knocks over coat stand grabbing his overcoat] Oh, great. Grotti: Would you look at that people? What an unpredictable world we live in, huh? Michael: Mmhm. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: What happened in there? Michael: Nothing, other than once again, I am just thankful that I am a paper salesman. Dwight: Did he threaten you? Michael: No Dwight, not everything is a threat. Andy: Mobsters are! Michael: There is no such things as monsters. Andy: He drives an SUV! Dwight: I knew it! More trunk space. Or should I say, corpse space. Oscar: Hey guys, I drive a SUV, does that mean I'm in the mob? Dwight: No, not that, by itself. But look at all the facts. He seems like a mobster. Michael: Wait, when did we start talking about the mob? The guy was trying to sell me insurance. Andy: All mobsters have a front, sometimes it's selling insurance, sometimes it's waste management or sanitation. Oscar: For the record, not all Italian-Americans are in the Mafia. Michael: I think, he just seemed like he was just trying to sell me insurance. Andy: Yeah, buy my insurance or I'll burn your warehouse down! Dwight: Exactly. Michael: He did talk about a fire in the warehouse... and he also vaguely threatened me with testicular cancer. Oscar: Uhh. All right, who else is here? [looks around] [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: Pam and Jim are on their honeymoon. So there's not the usual balance between "sane and others." Toby has mentally checked out since June. It's a very dangerous time. The "coalition for reason" is extremely weak. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: Oscar says I checked out huh? Huh. [nods head] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [over chatter] Hey, hey hey, calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Ryan, you lived in New York, what do you think? Ryan: Well first of all, there is no such thing as 'The Mafia.' Michael: Okay. Ryan: What you have are specific families. What's the guy's last name? Michael: Um it is, Grotti. Andy and Dwight: [groans] Oh no. Fabulous. Oscar: What? What? Andy: It's John Gotti, you idiot! Oscar: It's, it's a completely different name! Phyllis: So he won't get caught! Andy: Yeah. It's pretty close. Oscar: No, what are you talking about, what mobster would change his name from Gotti to Grotti. It weakens it. Dwight: No I disagree. "R" is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it "murder." And not "muck-duck." Michael: Okay too many different words coming at me from too many different sentences. Dwight: Lock your door! Michael: I'm not gonna lock my door. [door closes. Then clicks locked] [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Hello? Oscar: Jim? It's Oscar. I'm so sorry to be calling you on your honeymoon. Jim: Oscar! Uh, what is going on? Oscar: It's Michael, he thinks he's being shaken down by the mob. I don't know how you usually handle this. Jim: Look, We're in Puerto Rico, so- Pam: Hey Oscar. It's Pam. Hey. We're on our honeymoon. Oscar: Pam, I'm sorry-- Pam: Unless someone very close to us is in immediate physical danger, you should not be calling us. Oscar: You're right. You're right. [Pam hangs up] Oh, okay bye. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: It's Grotti. He's following up. Andy: Already? This, this guy is persistent! Michael: [reads email] "I feel that you will regret missing this great opportunity to be in business." Dwight: That's bad. Michael: Yeah. Dwight: That's bad. Michael: Yeah. What are my options here? Do I just ignore it, or? Andy: Yeah right! You heard him! He's gonna burn down the warehouse or run one of our trucks off the road. Michael: Okay, I'm calling the police. Andy: [hangs up, rips cord from phone] That is the stupidest thing you could do right now! Dwight: He's right. Cops can't do anything until a crime has been reported. Michael: All right. Andy: Not only that, but if they find out you snitched, you get a dead horses chopped off head in your bed! Michael: Shh! Dwight: You know what? Michael: That's not gonna happen. Dwight: That's an exaggeration. Andy: That's how it works! Michael: What am I supposed to do here? Andy: When somebody threatens you, you give in right away. Okay you need to buy insurance from this guy and get him off your back Michael: I was thinking exactly the same thing. Dwight: No, criminals are like raccoons. Okay, you give 'em a taste of cat food pretty soon they'll be back for the whole cat. Andy: Dwight... Dwight: The only way to defeat a bully is to stand up to him. Trust me, I have bullied a lot of people. Michael: I don't know, I don't know about that. Andy: Wait let's hear him out, this is interesting. Dwight: Here's what we do. We meet him in a public place. Ask him to lunch or something like that, some place he can't be openly violent. Andy: Okay. Dwight: Let him know you're not the typical kind of guy that he can shake down. That you're stubborn. That you might even be a little bit dangerous. Andy: [snaps fingers] I like this plan. I'd like to officially withdraw my plan. Michael: Hold on, hold on! Just- Andy: No, no, no. My plan is out! We do this the hard way. Michael: All right. I will meet with him, but I'm not going alone. Andy: Well you're gonna have to. [overlaps] Dwight[/b]: We'll be right beside you. Andy: What? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [Andy dressed as a mechanic, Cornell hat on] What are you wearing? Who's Pat? Andy: Well if I'm gonna back you up, I need a weapon without drawing suspicion, and I have to justify it somehow so, I'm a mechanic with a tire thing. Dwight: Do you know how to use it? Andy: To change tires, no. But it's metal, I can hit somebody with it. Michael: Let's go, come on. [whispers] God! Andy: Should I change? Dwight: You're wearing loafers! Michael: Forget it! Forget it! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [Andy is playing with the tire iron] Take that thing off the table! Please! Andy: Well then I can't use it. I'm just gonna hide it. Dwight: Hey. Bathroom checks out clean. Nothing behind the toilet except for this roach motel. Andy: Oh! God! [smacks roaches] Michael: Oh my God! Dwight: You'll never kill it that way. You want to separate the head from the thorax- Michael: Guys, guys. Cool it. There he is, there he is. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hello. Grotti: Mr. Scott. Michael: Mr. Grotti we meet again. These are my associates. Grotti: Hi. Angelo Grotti. Andy: Hi. Dwight: Hello. Grotti: So, you got this table? Michael: Yes. Grotti: This is one of those half booths, can't-decide-what-it-is type of thing. Michael: Well. Grotti: Waitress, we're gonna sit over here. Waitress: That's fine. Michael: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: [answers phone] Hello. Credit card rep: Hello Mr. Halpert. I'm calling from the identity theft department at Capital One. We've detected some unusual activity on your credit card. Kevin: Oh man, do you think it was stolen? Rep: First would you mind verifying your home address? Kevin: Um, yes. [looks at Jim's pay stub] Um, 383 Linden Ave., Scranton PA Rep: And may I have the last four numbers of your Social Security Number? Kevin: Six-six-five-zero. Rep: Well Mr. Halpert. You're obviously not in San Juan Puerto Rico. Kevin: Wait a minute. Yes I am. Rep: I'm going to go ahead and put a hold on your card. Kevin: No. That... I, I think that we should let the criminal use the card a little longer. Rep: Very funny sir. We'll get a new card out to you right away. Kevin: No- Rep: Have a nice day, and thank you! Kevin: Shoot. [SCENE_BREAK] Grotti: If you want to supplement your coverage, we can do that. If you want to replace your current coverage, all the better. Ah, you seem like a nice guy. Dwight: Oh he's not that nice. Michael: That's not true. Andy: Hmm. Very true. Michael: Okay shut up. Waitress: Have you decided? Grotti: Yeah, I'll have the linguini, red sauce on the side. If the sauce does not come on the side, I will send it back. I want garlic bread, toasted, not burnt. If it comes burnt, I will send it back. Waitress: Okay then. And for you sir? Michael: I will have the gabba-gool. Waitress: The... what? Michael: The gabba-gool. Waitress: I don't really know what that is. Andy: [with Soprano's inflection] You know, gabba-gool. Michael: I don't, I don't have to have that. Dwight: What he's trying to say is, Gabba. Gool. Michael: Guys, guys- Waitress: I don't really think that we have that. Michael: That's okay. Dwight: Bring him the gabba-gool! Michael: Shh. I will have the spaghetti, with a side salad. Waitress: Okay. Michael: If the salad is on top, I send it back. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: Why would you cancel Jim's credit cards? Kevin: I usually can think quick on my feet, but they were so fast on the phone. Oscar: This constitutes identity fraud. Kevin: Oh God. I wouldn't last in jail Oscar. I'm not like you. Oscar: What's that supposed to mean? Kevin: Oh you don't know about jail? Oh you would love jail. Oscar: Why would I love jail? Kevin: Because... You would love it. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I don't think our company actually needs any more insurance. So I am out. Grotti: Look closely Michael. I feel there's a plan here for you. Andy: Maybe we have a plan for you? Grotti: How about you? Maybe you can use supplemental coverage of some kind. Anybody can get hurt! You always think, it can't happen to you, and [drops hand loudly on table] Think about it. Woman: [approaches with child] Excuse me. Sorry to bother you. Are you a mechanic? Andy: Yeeeeah. Woman: My battery is dead, I've got my kid, can you please help? Andy: Yes I can. Michael: No, no no, no. Come on. I'm sorry, we're having our salad. Grotti: Come on! Lady in distress? Go! Go! Andy: Okay! Woman: Thank you so much, I really appreciate it. Michael: Hey, do you need any help? Grotti: I'm sure he can handle a simple jump-start. Now come on, sit down. Michael: He's a good mechanic. Grotti: Where were we? Michael: I don't... Dwight: He was trying to force you to decide on a policy. Michael: Okay, okay okay. Dwight: So we're choosing... Michael: Yep, all right. Dwight: Check out Dental? Michael: Put it down. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Black goes on the red. With the... If we... Positive... Mo- it being a motor drive, it's probably down. Kid: He seems bad at this. Andy: You want to do this junior? I didn't think so. Sorry. It's kind of a long day at the... mechanic store. [Andy places connections wrong, smoke and explosion set off] Aaaah! You got a leaky spark tube. Woman: What?!? Andy: So your car's totaled. Uh, you're just gonna want to get a refund on that. Or my guy could do it. He's great. But uh, I can't do that for you. I work exclusively on motorcycles. [Andy walks away, woman is exasperated] [SCENE_BREAK] Grotti: Now if you could just sign this letter of intent, I'll bring this back to my boss, and we can get this in motion. [Andy clears throat loudly] You okay, Pat? Andy: Yeah. Just thinking about how, uh, I had this car, this Italian car, and I was driving it, and it kept telling me how much it needed oil, but I wouldn't give it any oil. And then, one day it exploded and it killed everyone and that's what I'm afraid of. Grotti: Aren't you a mechanic? Why wouldn't you put oil in the car? Andy: It was before, my tech- my technical training. Dwight: Don't do it! Andy: Do it. Dwight: Don't. Andy: Just do it. Michael: Okay. Grotti: Look Mike, I don't know what your friends are telling you, but you have to decide for yourself. Are these guys gonna take care of your things if you die tomorrow? Dwight: Yes. Michael: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: I don't understand, why would you buy a policy? Michael: It's just the cost of a cup of coffee an hour. Andy: You were man enough to back down Michael, I'm proud of you. Michael: I had to make a snap decision Dwight. Dwight: It wasn't a snap decision, you were sitting there for an hour. Michael: It was a lot of snap decisions. Dwight: Do you know what "snap decision" means? Michael: Yes! Dwight: It means like this. [snaps fingers] Michael: Just get in the car. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Hello? Michael: Jim? Jim: Michael? Michael: Oh thank God. Jim: How did you get this number? Michael, we're on a catamaran. Michael: It wasn't easy. I had to tell the hotel it was a medical emergency. I chose massive coronary, cause you told me that your Dad had a bad heart. Listen man, I, I got a problem, I think I'm in trouble with the mob. Or a major insurance carrier. Jim: That sounds bad. Michael: Yeah, I know and you usually can get out of stuff like this, so I'm turning to you my friend. Jim: I'm gonna help you through it all right? Michael: Okay! Jim: All you're gonna need to [faking a bad connection] and- it- and then go to-- Michael: Jim? Are you? Jim: And then you'll be saved. Michael: What? Wait, I didn't hear a thing you just said. Jim: Just [drops] and then you'll be saved. Michael: No! God! I missed, I missed the important part again! Jim: A- ah-- Michael: No! Oh my God! Jim: And you'll be saved. Michael: No, Jim please, repeat what you're saying! I can't understand you! Jim: I [drops out] at the Bermuda Triangle. An- M- please don't call again. Michael: Jim?!? [dial tone] Oh my God. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hey uh, question for you. I recently purchased some insurance that I can't afford given my present salary. Is there anything accounting-wise I can do to sort of make it all go away? Oscar: Accounting-wise, no. But phone-wise, just call up and cancel it. Michael: Oh no. Um. What about this Cash For Clunkers thing? Oscar: Just- no. No. Michael: All right. Well, it was a thought. Thanks. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: We have let Michael down, and it's 85 percent your fault. Andy: He's alive. So you're welcome. Dwight: Not on the inside he's not. Look at his life! Broke! Living in fear! No friends, dead end job. Andy: Yeah, some of that existed before. Dwight: Not the living in fear, that's new. Andy: You're right, that is new. Dwight: Yes. He's got to stand up to this mafia guy. Andy: Well I don't see that happening. Dwight: Me neither. Not the way things are now. But what if Michael felt no fear toward the mafia guy? Andy: Are you saying- Dwight: Yeah... Andy: That we surgically remove the fear center from Michael's brain? Dwight: What is wrong with you? I am talking about convincing Michael that the guy's not mafia! Andy: That seems a little far-fetched. Dwight: Well more far-fetched than a mobster walking into a paper company for a low-level shakedown? And that happened. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Michael. Incredible news. Grotti is clean. Michael: No. He's not. He's just good. Nothing sticks to him. You still don't understand how this works. Andy: No, Michael. What we're trying to say is, we made a mistake assuming he was mafia. I have a buddy who's a Fed, and we did a background check on the guy. His background is perfectly clean. Dwight: It's true, he's clean. I have a couple of friends still on the force. Checked with them. Ran his Fed friend up the flagpole to make sure he wasn't on the take. Turns out he's a totally lovely guy. Sweetest guy on the force really. Andy: Class act. Boy scout. Michael: But Grotti acts like he's mafia though. Andy: He's trying to intimidate you to close sales. He's just a pushy salesman. Dwight: And he made us all look like chumps! Michael: [grunts] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: If there is one thing I hate more than the mafia it is a liar. I wish the mafia would go out and kill all the liars. Bury them in my yard. And I wouldn't tell the cops a thing. Not that I would be lying per se. But I would just get really quiet, all of a sudden. [SCENE_BREAK] Grotti: This is Grotti. Michael: This is Scott. Grotti: Oh! Great. Michael, I'm finishing up your paperwork right now. Michael: Oh really? Is that supposed to scare me? Grotti: I, I thought you'd be pleased. Michael: Well you thought wrong. Because I am not pleased. I'm actually kind of PO'd. Grotti: What? Michael: I think you know exactly why, because you were trying to scare me into buying insurance. Grotti: I don't get it. How was I scaring you? Michael: I think you knew exactly what you were doing. And frankly I think you were being a total and utter jerk. Andy: Whoa. Okay. Michael: You suck! Dwight: Okay that's- Michael: And I'm not gonna buy your stupid insurance. Dwight: That's good, let's wrap it up. Michael: How about that? The only person that actually needs insurance is you, if you show your face around here again, got it? Grotti: Look, Michael, when we all calm down here, maybe at some point in the future, you change your mind, why don't you give me a call? Michael: Doubt it. [disconnects call] Dwight and Andy: [relaxing] Oh man. Michael: What a tool. [Dwight and Andy exchange looks] What? Andy: Next time you look in the mirror, you're gonna be looking at a guy who stood down the mafia! Michael: No. What do you mean? Dwight: We just told you he wasn't mafia, so you wouldn't be scared. Michael: What? Dwight: You successfully backed down the mob! Andy: You made the mafia apologize to you! You made the mafia be polite! Michael: Oh man. I should be mad at you guys. But I'm not. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: So I looked him in the eye and I said, "Not today Grotti, Not today. And not tomorrow, and not the next day. Or the day after that. And you can tell all your friends that if I see them, then they're already dead." I said something like that. Dwight: Very close. Oscar: Just to be clear, he backed down an insurance agent from Mutual of Harrisburg. Michael: Erin? Erin: Yes? Michael: Coffee? Erin: Okay. Michael: Not from the kitchen. Stop and Shop. If it's not Stop and Shop, I send it back. Erin: Okay. Michael: Large. If it's a medium I send it back. If it's an extra large I send it back. Erin: How do you return coffee? Michael: Go. Any questions? [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [on phone] Are you kidding me? Kevin: Hi Pam, is Jim there? Pam: Listen our credit card has been cancelled and we have to deal with that, and I really can't handle the fact that you're calling us here! Kevin: Okay, that sounds good. Um, I'll let you go, just -tell Jim, that I said hi. Pam: Oh I will. I will Kevin. I will make that my top priority. Kevin: Cool. Okay. [Pam hangs up] Bye. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: They have no idea what happened.	Plan: A: the Mafia; Q: What is Michael convinced he is a part of? A: The staff; Q: Who calls Jim and Pam on their honeymoon? A: Kevin; Q: Who accidentally cancels Jim's credit card? A: a farting room; Q: What did Kevin use Jim's office for? A: a lunch meeting; Q: What did Dwight, Michael and Andy set up with the insurance salesman? Summary: Michael meets with an insurance salesman and is convinced by Dwight and Andy that he is part of the Mafia . The staff constantly call Jim and Pam on their honeymoon, until finally Kevin accidentally cancels Jim's credit card while using Jim's office as a farting room. Dwight, Michael and Andy set up a lunch meeting with the insurance salesman.
[Justin dashes across the streetto Brian's loft. He hops up the stairs and knocks on thedoor.] Justin: Brian! Brian! Brian! [The door opens, but Chris Hobbes is on the other side.Before Justin can react, Hobbes grabs him and pulls himinto the loft. Justin screams...and wakes up in his ownbed. Jennifer runs in.] Jen: Justin! Sweetheart, it's just a dream. [She touches his shoulder.] Justin: Don't touch me. [he cries.] [Emmett, Ted and Brian survey theaction on the dancefloor from the stairs. Emmett staresat a go-go dancer.] Emmett: God, I want his ass. Ted: Who doesn't? Emmett: No, I mean I'm really want his ass, not thistired old thing. Ted: You've always said you're ass is you're findestfeatures. Emmett: Only laterly is looking a little peaked. Brian: Yeah, well, maybe it needs a rest. Emmett: What it's need is a lift. Ted: You're too young for a plastic surgery. Emmett: Ha, ha. This life can wear you out by the timeyou're thirty. Right, Brian? Besides it's something we'reall striving for - no matter what age. Ted: Trust me, take it from me. Who do you let hands with- very pricely. Emmett: What? Teddy, don't tell me you're that work done. Brian: Yeah, because if you have, I'd sue. Ted: I'm speaking in my profession proposerty as anfinanciel advicer - Butt work costs big bucks. Emmett: Big bucks I don't have. Brian: Well, maybe you can sell that old tired ass for anew one. [Michael comes to them.] Michael: I just had the most amazing fcking blowjob.Want a bump? Ted: No. Emmett: Thanks, no. Brian: No. Michael: What's wrong with you, guys? Ted: It's late. Tomorrow is a work day. Brian: Yeah, for some of us. Emmett: Sightseeing is over. Michael: It's early. C'mon, we've just got here. Par-tay! [Ted and Emmett are leaving.] Brian: You've been partying ever since you got back. Michael: So what if I have? I'm free now. I can stay allnight and fck my breans out like you. Stands. Brian: I don't want to. Michael: It'll be good for you, old. Take remind a thing. Brian: I've said, I don't want to. Michael: You always like dancing with Justin. [Brian gets up and walks away without saying anotherword.] [The next morning. Ted, Emmettand Mike sit at the counter at the Liberty Diner. Mikelooks like hell and tired.] Deb: Okay boys, what would'll be? [She looks to her son.]Jesus Christ, what happened to you? Michael: I'm not quite sure, but whatever it was my headfeels like the dancefloor in Babylon. Deb: Well, that's what you get for sucking and fuckinguntil all hours, huh? On a school night. Michael: I'm not in school, Ma. Deb: Well, maybe you should be. You've got a lot oflearning to do. Michael: Before we're start the lecture I order first,please? Deb: I want you to hear what I have to say on an emptystomach, so maybe you'll digest it. Get over David. Get ajob. Get on with your life. Now. What will it be? Michael: Beacon and eggs, eggs over beacon and very,very, very, very easy. Emmett: Mmmh, make it two. Ted: Three. Deb: And plenty of black coffee. [Debbie goes away.] Emmett: You're mom's right, sweetie for you're owndignety, for you're own self-worth. Not to mention youhave to rent. You're need to go back to work. Michael: Do what? Ted: Well, there's always the Big Q. Emmett: He doesn't want to go back to the crapemployment. He needs to try something new, somethingdaring. Something fabulous. Ted: fck fabulous. He needs something steady, somethingpractical. Something secure. Emmett: Like being an accountant? Ted: He should only be so lucky. I've got a pension fund,a health plan and most importantly piece of mine. I go tosleep every night knowing that thirty-one years from now,when I retire from Wertshafter and Company, I can movedown to Boca and live like a king. Emmett: Or queen. [Deb comes with the orders.] Deb: So, what would you like on your toast, Your Majesty?Strawberry jam or caviar? [Mel and Lindsay's garden. Guswatches from his stroller, his mom and dad struggle tobuild him a swing set.] Brian: Attached part a, part j to part k. Using agrag...? What the fck is a gragert? Lindsay: Beats me. I'm sure Mel would now. She's a whizwith the hardware. Brian: Oh, I bet (!) Do you think we should hire someoneelse? Lindsay: Hey, it's your duty as a father to build yourson's first swing set. Now get cracking -- I want itready in time for his first birthday. Brian: I know -- it seems like only yesterday I wasjacking off into that cup. Lindsay: And you and Michael and Justin were tearing intothe room. You couldn't believe you had a son. Brian: Two sons. Lindsay: Why don't you give his mother a call and see howhe's doing? Brian: She doesn't want me to see him again. Lindsay: I know, but maybe when you spoke to her... Brian: No, she's right. It's better this way. [They tryto stand the swing set up.] fck this! Maybe I'll have itbuilt in time for your wedding. Lindsay: Oh, there will be no wedding. Mel turned medown. [Brian laughs.] Oh, it's nice to see you laughing,finally, asshole. Brian: You found propose to her and she blew you off? Howcome? Lindsay: Well, for reasons I'm sure you would appreciate.'I don't think a meaningless heterosexual ritual wouldprove our love, and it wouldn't be legal anyway.' Brian: You can't argue with that. Lindsay: Okay, I was on the debate team. I can argueanything. Brian: But I think for once I agree with Melanie. Fuckweddings. fck rituals. And fck this swing set! [Lindsay laughs.] [At The Big Q, Tracy gives Mike abig hug.] Tracy: Mike! It's so good to see you. Michael: You, too, Trac. Tracy: What made you come back? You were really excitedabout goin'. Michael: David and I broke up. Tracy: Oh. I'm sorry. Michael: Yeah, so I'm just gonna picking up what I leftup to come by here and see if my old job is... Andrew: Well, look who's honouring us with his presents. Michael: Hey, Andrew. Andrew: Never tought you see again, Novotny. Tracy: Mike moves back to Pittsburgh. Andrew: No kidding. I must have missed it on the news.Aren't you supposed you to re-stocking? Tracy: Yes, sir. [she leaves them alone.] Andrew: So, things didn't work out, huh? Michael: I wouldn't say that. Sometimes you've got to trynew things. Discover what's right for you. Find out whereyou really belong. And I discovered what's right for meis being here. Maybe they give me my old job back. Andrew: Oh, I hate brake it to you, but you're old job isbeing filled. Michael: Oh... Andrew: After you left, Don promoted me. Michael: That's great. Andrew: Yeah, as glas to see you finally you came tosenses. So, I guess you're outta luck. Michael: I guess, I am. Um, well if you happen to hearanything... Andrew: Well, as a matter of fact we do have a positionfor which I think you would be ideally suited since youalready had it. Assistant Manager. Michael: You mean, working for you. Andrew: You've got it. Let me know if you're interested. [Debbie's kitchen.] Jen: He had nightmares like last night. I won't me toconfort him but the doctor says it's normal - even ifthat call normal, that kind of behavoir. If someones beenattacked but to see him in that kind of pain... You know,I'm wanna help him, only it's seemed have... I can't. Deb: It's okay. [Jen cries. Debbie offers ahandkerchief.] Here. Jen: Thanks. Vic: Have some coconut cake. Jen: Oh, no thanks. Deb: Vic made it - himself. Vic: Yeah, it's my warm-up for Gus's birthday. Deb: He used to be a pastry chef. Vic: Black bottoms were my specialty. Deb: I didn't say a word. [Jen tries a piece of it.] Jen: Mmmh, mmmh, this is good. Deb: Too good. Vic: We faggots are a talented bunch. You got a hand instand. Deb: And indestructible, too. If AIDS and gay bashers andcrackpot Christians, and fcking Republicans can'tdestroy you, then nothing can! Vic: And Justin will make it, too. You'll see. Jen: Uh, I got to run. Molly's gonna come back from herplay date. Thanks for the cake. Vic: We'll see you, Jen. [Debbie walks Jennifer to the door.] Deb: You know, Jennifer, they say that a boy's bestfriend, especially a gay boy, is his mother. That's notalways the case. Maybe he needs someone else. Somebodywho can get close to him. More important somebody that hewill be close to. Jen: Debbie, I'm sorry but not after what happened. Deb: Well, it was just a suggestion. Jen: Besides, I can look after for him myself. Deb: Of course you can. Okay. [Justin stands across the streetfrom Brian's apartment, just like in his dream. Hecrosses the street and runs up the stairs. He knocks onthe door.] Justin: Brian! Brian! [Brian opens the door.] Justin: I'm glad to see you. Brian: Who else could it be? [Justin want to walk in.]Where you goin'? Justin: In. Brian: Did I say you could? Justin: Don't give me any sh1t, all right? I nearlyfreaked out five times getting here. Brian: Well, you're gonna have to nearly freak out fivemore times getting home. Justin: I want to see you. Brian: Well, you can't, okay? Justin: Why not? Are you fcking some guy? Brian: None of you're fcking business. Go away! [Brian closes the door in Justin's face.] Justin: But why? WHY?! [Wertshafter and Co. The camerapans past men in cubicles, each looking at straight pornon their computer. The camera stops on Ted. Ted's lookingat gay p0rn, featuring a guy nicknamed "TheChunnel," who's sticking a huge black dildo wherethe sun don't shine. Ted's also on the phone with Emmett,busy dressing a mannequin at Torso.] Ted: You can't believe what this guy can take. No wonderthey call him "The Chunnel". Emmett: Are you at Misterfister.net again? Ted: It's my late afternoon coffee break. Emmett: I supposed you're early afternoon coffee break,you're late morning coffee break... Ted: Some guys get all the breaks. Emmett: When do you find the time to work? [SCENE_BREAK] Ted: Let me just finished this. Actually I work on myreport that Wertshafter expecting it... [he's looking atthe screen.] Holy sh1t, he's playing high de-hydrant! Emmett: The fire dydrant? [Ted spills coffee all over his lap.] Ted: fck! Emmett: What? What? Ted: Just spill coffee on my pants. Emmett: Watch out for the creme. Ted: I...I gotta get off. Emmett: Are you sure you didn't already? Ted: fck... [Ted tries to dry his pants. Suddenly Mr.Wertshaftercomes up.] Mr. Wertshafter: Schmidt! [Mr. Wertshafter see Ted's wet pants and looks at hiscomputer screen and see the gay p0rn.] Ted: Mr. Wertshafter, I can... I can explain this... I...I... fck! [Justin's room. Justin's throwinga big ole temper tantrum, along with everything else hecan get his hands on. He's ripping his pictures off thewall, the sheets off the bed, books off the table.Jennifer and Molly come running in.] Jen: Justin, my God. What are you doin'? Stop it. Stop! Molly: Why is Justin freaking out? Jen: Molly, go back to you're room. Go on! Justin, pleasestop it. [Jen tries to get Justin to calm down by grabbing hisarm. Justin repells her.] Justin: You told him, you didn't want him to see meanymore, didn't you? Jen: It was for you're own good and he agreed. Justin: You had no right! Jen: Justin, I want you safe from and that everythingwill be alright. [She tries to touch him to comfort but his repells heragain.] Justin: Guess what, it's too late! Thing's never gonna bealright. My life is fcked. Chris Hobbes saw to that! Heshould have killed me! [The gym. Mike and Emmett workout as Ted rans on and on.] Ted: And then fcking Wertshafter gave me the shaft, canyou believe it? Emmett: I wouldn't believe it first the first threehundred times you you've told me. Ted: He fired me. Me - the hardest worker and devotedemployee he's got. And for what? Michael: wnkng to the web? Ted: No, no, no, no. I wasn't wnkng. I was watching -same as everybody else in that office. The onlydifference I wasn't watching like everbody else watches. Emmett: Straight sx. Ted: Yeah, it's fine to salevate over some bimbo withboops. Michael: That's discrimination on the workplace. Ted: You're damn right, it is. If he thinks for a minutethat I'm not gonna find another place to reveal mysexuality like you, no offense, but he is mightelymistaken. Michael: Don't worry, Ted. But with you're educationexperience you'll find another job. Ted: Yeah, I wouldn't be so sure. Not after the find outthe reason I cease. Christ. What I'm gonna be do? Emmett: Well, maybe there is something in be here. Ted: Well, in that fag wag, please! Emmett: Well I was thinking I'm looking for a bluelightposition for myself, something to argument my income.Huh, what's this? "Earn up to a hundred dollar anhour." Ted: An hour? Michael: Doin' what? Emmett: Well, what we call and find out? [he dials.]Hello? Yes, I came across you're add in "In andOut". Ted: This wouldn't be the first time. Emmett: Is it true you can earn up to a hundred dollarsan hour? Really? And what exactly does one have to do? Michael: Volunteer for hideous medical experiments? Serveas a live target for the military? Emmett: Oh, that's all? It's one of the those domesticservices -- you know, waiters, private parties, maids. Ted: It's a lot of bucks for house keeping. Michael: You made more in a couple hours than I make in aweek in Big Q. What about you? Ted: I have an MBA from Wharton. I don't do windows. Michael: I have three semesters from Allegate CommunityCollege. I'll do anything. Emmett: Oh, that's fabulous. Yes, well thank you. Theyhave openings right now. [to his butt] Well, boys. Thingsare looking up. [Brian's loft. Brian's justfinished with some trick.] Guy: Did you ever see Citizen Kane? Brian: Yeah. Guy: All my life, all I've heard is how it's the greatestfucking movie ever made. So I finally rent it. The guywho plays the lead is fat. The story about some sledsucks. And it's in black and white. Brian: Maybe you're expecting to much. Guy: Like with you. All I ever heard is how Brian Kinneyis the greatest fck ever. If you ask me, you're bothhighly overrated. Brian: Everybody's a critic. [They've going to the door.]Next time maybe you should rent bottle boys. I gave ittwo thumps up. [He opens the door naked. Jennifer stand on the otherside. Jennifer is discombobulated. Brian acts likenothing's amiss.] Jen: I came at the wrong time. Brian: [looks to the guy] You two have a lot in common. [The guy leaves his room. Brian lollygags across the roomand grabs some pants.] Jen: May I come in? [Brian nodded.] This place is very...glamorous. Brian: Does the trick. Jen: I'm sure. You know if you ever feel like selling I'mrealtor now. Brian: He's not here. Jen: I know. That's why I came, to ask you a favor. Brian: I already did you one. Jen: Yeah, but uh not this one's for him. I want you totake him. Brian: Excuse me? Jen: I want you to take my son. Brian: Mrs.Taylor... Jen: Jennifer. Brian: Whatever, what the fck are you're talking about? Jen: He...wouldn't let anyone touch him, let anyone nearhim, shows practically no emotion except when he's in oneof his ranges or he asleep screaming from a nightmare butthat's not even the worst part. The worst part isstanding there, helpless. Do you have any idea what thatfeels like? Brian: What would you like me to do? Jen: Touch him. Help him be touched. Brian: You want me to fck him? Jen: You're the one he trusts. If that's what it takes. Brian: I thought you want me never gonna see him again. Jen: I don't but um, if I'm never gonna seen my son everremotely resemble the person he was. And don't have achoice. [Melanie and Lindsay's house.Melanie puts together the swing set in the living room,Lindsay divides up party favors in the dining room, andTed stands in the doorway between the two.] Ted: And there's nothing I can do. No recorse, nolaw-sue, no damages? Mel: Two words, Teddy - you're screwd. Ted: That it's extremely interaction. Mel: Ou! fck this thing! [she smatters it on the ground.] There is no law in the state that provence discrimination of gays in the workplace. Wertshafter cando whatever the hell he wants. Ted: fck! Son of a bitch, you know I have a mind to walk right in the town exactly how I feel. Lindsay: Want to. Look him straight in the eye and tell him even in the opposite you think what he did isunjustly and unequitable. Ted: Right, I just might do that. Maybe. Thanks for theadvice - The Sucker. Lindsay: Bye. Mel: Bye. Lindsay: Poor Ted. Mel: It's one more example of having no rights. Lindsay: Like getting married? Mel: You aren't this gonna start again? Lindsay: Hey, let me finish. That night we came back frommy sisters wedding, I went into the garden after you fellasleep. Mel: You did? Lindsay: Mmmh-mmmh. I study imagine exactly how I want itto look. What you call it? Mel: Chuppah. Lindsay: A chuppah under the tree. Pink and white flowersand little twinky lights everywhere like the milky way Mel: Uh-huh. Lindsay: But today I was out as I figured out that Idecorate for Gus's party and I said to myself, 'Peterson- what the hell are you thinking? I mean, you gonna havetwenty tallers on Saturday and have to handle withtandrums and tears and drop. Mel's right. The time forbeing romantic has past.' Mel: Look, I don't mean that. Lindsay: It's a silly ritual for straight people. A bankrupt institution. No, we have to be practical now.So, I apologize for making it such a big deal. And I promise to never, never mention it again. [SCENE_BREAK] [Brian's jeep. Justin as passenger. Brian's driving.] Justin: She though she could keep us apart. 'I don't want you see my son anymore.' We showed her. Brian: Would you shut up? Justin: What for? Brian: Because I said so. And because you sound like animmature brat. Justin: Maybe I am. Brian: Then you can kick out you're ass out and walk home- right now. Justin: What is the matter with you? Brian: She was trying to do the right thing. You don'tknow how lucky you are to have a mother like that. Justin: Now I could stay with you. Yee-haw! Brian: Just until you're get better. Justin: There's nothing wrong. Except from my gip head...fcking Hobbs. Brian: I don't think about it. Justin: How come you're doin' this? Brian: What, driving with no hands? Justin: No, why lettin' me stay with you? Brian: Why did you care? It's that what you want. Justin: I know why. It's because you love me madly,passionately, deeply. Just like I always suspected. [Mike and Emmett wander around amansion, until they come across a kitchen bustling withactivity.] Michael: It's a pretty fency place. Emmett: Well, they paying this, it have to be. Michael: I never bein a waiter. I don't know if I coulddo this. Emmett: Honey, this is you're family business. It's inyour blood. Now, you go in there and make your motherproud. Man: Are you two the waiters? Emmett: Oh, yes sir. Man: But why aren't you dressed? Michael: Um, they said you give us the uniforms whenwe've got here. Man: The outfits? (to another man) Where are the outfits?Quickly! [He gives them two bags.] Hurry up and put theseon. [Mike and Emmett take the bags they're given and pull outa cummerbund each.] Michael: Where is the rest of the tux? [The man got's stressed and leaves them alone.] Emmett: Excuse me, I think there's been a...mistake. [The mansion's dining room. Mikeand Emmett walk in, wearing only cummerbunds and blackbowties. Each holds a wine bottle in front of his dick.] Emmett: Uh, white wine, uh, or red? Man#1: White. Emmett: Very good, sir. [Emmett shifts bottles and pours while the man smacks himon the butt and hangs on.] Michael: Shrimp balls? [Man#2 leers at Mike's crotch.] Man#2: I wouldn't say that. [Michael also get pinched in his butt.] Michael: Keep your hands off the tenderloin. [Brian's loft. Brian lounges inbed, naked. Justin comes over and lies down as far fromBrian as possible.] Brian: What are you doin' all over there? Come closer.What are the all clothes? You might get over heated. [Justin nervously gets undressed. Brian kisses Justinsoftly.] Brian: Roll over. [He grabs a condom and puts it on, but before he can doanything else.] Justin: Don't. Don't! - I can't. [Justin sits on the bed and cry loudless.] Brian: It's okay. Justin: It's not okay! [At Woody's. Brian ask some otherguy on the bar.] Man: You know, for someone who has enough disorders tomerit your own classification in the Diagnostic andStatistical Manual, you are one of the most well-adjustedand high-functioning bastards I know. Brian: Thanks (!) Man: What's you're secret? Brian: A series of hopeless addictions, for one. And, uh,never seeing a shrink, for another. Man: You're seeing someone there. So, you're try to holdhim, have sx with him but he wouldn't let you touch him?This must be a first for you. However, it'sunderstandible. Something like that happens, natuarlyhe's afraid to anyone touch him - even you. Brian: But he get over it, right? Man: It depends. It's like a fairy tale. Rapunzel trappedin a tower. Hansel and Gretel caged by the witch. Only inthis case, it's Justin's memory that's been locked up.And it's up to you to release it, Handsome Prince. Brian: And... how the fck do I do that? Man: Trigger his memory. Get him the feel from pain. Brian: Are you shidding me? Man: It's only he can process and beyond it. He's alwaysgoing to feel isolated and unhappy and alone. Not justthe walking wounded. The walking dead. Brian: You're very eloquent when you're drunk. Man: I'm afraid times up. Brian: So, how much do I own you? Man: I'll take it out in trade. Next time I see you inthe baths. [Mike and Emmett's. Mike has hispants pulled down just low enough to allow us to see hisbutt in the mirror behind him. His behind is covered withred marks.] Michael: It was awful -- all those dirty old men, staringat me and pinching my ass. Emmett: It was fabulous! All those dirty old men staringat me and pinching my ass! Ted: Welcome to Point-Counterpoint. Emmett: Besides since when have you bruise marks? Didn'tit feel better? We're each made 500 dollars. Michael: How much is it after taxes? Ted: Why you asking me for? Michael: You're an accountant. Ted: Was an accountant. Emmett: Well, it's clear to me what you have to do. Ted: How to open a milk carton isn't clear to you.Nevertheless I can't wait to hear you're thoughs. Emmett: Sue him. Take his homophobic ass... Michael: Au! Emmett: Sorry, sweety. ...to court and sue him for 10mill. No make it twenty. Okay. My turn. [Emmett lies down on his front and Michael salves hisass.] Ted: That's brilliant, only Melanie told me there is nolaw in the state covered discrimination based on sexualorientation. Michael: Gross that! Emmett: Now just rub! Ted: I'm gonna talk to Wertshafter confront him like aman, tell him 'Look, I'm an loyal and devoted employeefrom nine years. He's got no right to treat me like thisbecause I'm gay.' Then I'm gonna gravel. Michael: That sounds like a plan. Emmett: What type of pathetic pussy boys are you? Where'syour pride? Where's your self-respect? Where's yourdignity? [phone rings.] Hello? Yes, is he. Yes. I believewe're availible. Thank you very much. [he hangs up.] Awealthy client would like an attractive domestic topolish his silver. Michael: I hope your butt holds up. Emmett: Honey bucks allow lotion. Alright boys, I'm offto buff in the buff! Ted: So much for dignity. [At the loft, Brian, Justin, andDaphne roll up the carpet, push away the furniture, andstart the healing process.] Daphne: Well, we're dancing. And, uh, I think they'replaying this. That's when Brian came in he had on a tuxwith a white sulk stratch. [Quick flashbacks to the prom.] Justin: I think I can remember that. - I'm not sure. Daphne: Well, you looked awesome. And he said to me. Brian: [flash to the prom] "You look hot, Daphne.I'd f*ck you." Daphne: And then he asked if he can borrow you to danceand he took you're hands and let you to the dancefloor.And they playing this. [Music: Ben E.King "# Save the Last Dance forMe". While this following scene there is a few shortflashbacks to the prom night.] Brian: Close you're eyes and remember. #You can dance-every dance with the guy Who gives you theeye,let him hold you tight You can smile-every smile for the man Who held your handneath the pale moonlight But don't forget who's takin' you home And in whose armsyou're gonna be So darlin' save the last dance for me Brian:Well? Justin: We're really dance to this corny old song? Brian: I'm prefered to think about it as ridiculouslyromantic. Daphne: You should have seen it. You and Brian had theentire floor to yourselfs. Brian: And did some pretty fancy moves. Daphne: Mauls were dropping. You were so cool and then...then you guys kissed - so hot. Justin: You kissed me? In front of everybody? Brian: Yeah. You should have been there. #You can dance,go and carry on Till the night is gone And it's time to go # [The Big Q. Tracy and Mike are ontheir way out of the store.] Tracy: So, first day back. How d'you feel? Michael: Like I never left. Tracy: I know what you mean. Working at the Big Q kind ofspoils you for anything else. [They run into Andrew.] Andrew: There you are, Novotny. Callagher who supposedjust called in to sick. You need you to stay untilmidnight. Michael: But I just finished a ten hour shift. Andrew: Are you saying you have a problem? Because I'dhate to think I hired an assistant manager who's refusingto do the job. Michael: Sure. I'll stay. Happy to. Andrew: Good. Take up you're coat, make youself at homeand start retagging these. See you in the morning. Oh,and... welcome back. [he left.] Tracy: Look, I can call my boyfriend and I cancel dinner.He needs to lose a few pounds anyway. Michael: No, no, you're goin' Tracy. No reason everyonesnight should be ruined. [Brian drives Justin to theParking Deck. They leave the car.] Brian: You've walked down with be back to the jeep. Wewere... goofy. We're dancing... I kissed yout. Then youturn around... smiled. And then I knew why Debbie callsyou 'Sunshine.' And then I went back to the jeep and thenI saw him in rearview mirror coming up to you. [several flashbacks during this scene. Then Justin get'shitted and he lies on the ground.] Brian: CHRIST! Don't you remember aynthing? [Justin turns around and see Brian gets sick of thinkabout this night.] Justin: I wish I could remember. Brian: I wish I could forget. [Wertshafter and Co. Ted entersthe office of Mr.Wertshafter, carrying a box of all hisstuff.] Mr.Wertshafter: Schmidt, what are you still doin' here? Ted: I came by to pick my Mr.Coffee and to speak withyou, sir, if I may. Mr.Wertshafter as a loyal and devotedemployee of nine years... Mr.Wertshafter: Eight years, eleven month, six days. Ted: You're always were precize, sir, right to thedigend. That's why is Wertshafter on the door, I guess. Ijust want you to know how unreasonable and unfair I thinkit is that you dissmissed me for such a minor infraction.I'm sure if it was one of the others, you would havelooked the other way. The only difference is because I'm,I'm...I'm... Mr.Wertshafter: A homosexual. Ted: Precizly. Mr.Wertshafter: You gays. Every time something happens,you think it's about discrimination. Well, this isn'tabout discrimination, this is about company policy.Anyone found using the internet for reasons other thanbusiness purposes will be dismissed forthwith. You'relucky I didn't charge you for the time you spent online. Ted: Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. [He wants to leave.] Mr.Wertshafter: Schmidt. Ted: Yes, sir? Mr.Wertshafter: One more thing. Are you happy being anaccountant? Ted: Happy? Mr.Wertshafter: Does balancy the books makes your heartbeat faster? Ted: No, sir, not really. Mr.Wertshafter: Then I'm doing you a favor. Findsomething you have a passion for. Otherwise, you're justjerking yourself off. [Mel and Lindsay's Backyard.Gus's birthday party is in full swing, and Debbie bringsout the cake to a burst of applause. Lindsay, holding Gusin her lap.] Lindsay: Take a wish, sweetheart. Ted: [whispers] I want a new job. I want a new job. Iwant a new job. Emmett: Not you! Ted: He's too young. And I really need it. Mel: One, Two, Three... [All three blows the candles out. All cheers.] Mel: I just like to say what a thrill it is for Lindsayand me to be celebrating our beautiful son's and howhappy we are. How very happy that you all are here toshare it with us. [she's looking in Justin's direction.] Deb: Would you cut the schmaltz so I can cut the cake? Mel: Okay, grab a fork before the icecream mells. C'mon. [Mel and Lindsay are happily feeding each other cake andkissing when a little redheaded girl steps up and pokesMelanie on the shoulder.] Mel: Yes, honey? Girl: Are you and her married? Mel: Um... [she's looking to Lindsay.] No, sweety, we'renot. Girl: How come? Lindsay: Ask you're mommy and daddy to explain that toyou in about... twenty years. [Debbie brings a slice of cakeover to Mike, who's sitting on the swing.] Deb: You want some? Michael: You know, white flour and white sugar are aboutthe worst thing you can put in your body. Deb: Uh-huh. [she's eating a piece.] Thirty years ago,you had you're first birthday party in the backyard withthe kids, and the cake, and the swing set. I still didn'tknow what a scratch it is. Some things never change. Michael: You're wrong, ma. Things change a lot. If youdon't change within, you're left behind. Look at me - I'm... I'm right back on the same place I was before andeverybody else have moved on. I feel lost, mom. Deb: Oh baby, you're not lost - you're just full of sh1t. [She smacks Mike lightly on the cheek.] Deb: You're only lost if you're alone. You are surroundedby people who love you. You're gonna find your way. Nowgo and enjoy the party. [She kisses Michael on his cheek. You can still see herlipstick on it.] [Back at the party, Brian'sLesbians are helping Gus open his presents. They pull outa big yellow whiffle bat.] Lindsay: Oooh, you see... [to Brian] Your son's going tobe a baseball player! Brian: Yeah, well, if you make a man out of him, I'mgoing to hold you personally responsible. [Justin look at the yellow whiffle bat. His memory ofprom night is triggered when he sees the phallicgender-specific toy. He starts to shake.] Brian: Justin? [We see the prom night. Chris Hobbs just going behindJustin. Brian jumps out the jeep.] Brian: [prom night] "Justin!" [He starts to wince. He starts to cower. Brian throws hisarms around Justin in comfort, and Justin hangs on.] [Later that evening, Melanie andLindsay tear down the decorations.] Mel: This was one hell of a birthday party. Lindsay: Thanks. Mel: What you're planned for the second? Lindsay: Leave town and stick you with it. Now give me ahand. Mel: You know this would be a perfect place for ourwedding. The white sadden roses, twinkle lights, ahopper, but I was thinking over by the rosebushes.Linds... Lindsay: I though we put this one to the rest for all. Mel: Kendall Morgenburgh getting up in me. Lindsay: Who? Mel: The little girl who ask if we're married. I realizedthat someday our kid is going to ask us the very samequestion. And when he does I have to say, "no".Then he wanted to know "why not". And then Ihave to tell him the gutts. Straight people wouldn'tmatters. Only that's not the whole truth. Lindsay: Which is? Mel: We wouldn't give ourselves permission. [Linds just drop the decoration to Mel's head.] Lindsay: Sorry. [Mel getting it and just throw away. She gets down on herknee.] Mel: If it's not too late to be romantic. LindsayPeterson - will you marry me? Lindsay: Are you proposing to me? Well, I'm just gonnahave to think it over... yes! [She jumps into Melanie's arms. Melanie picks her uptwirls her around, as they both laugh with glee.] [Brian's loft. Justin's sleeping,but wakes up when he hears Brian puttering around thekitchen. Brian takes an entire century to realizeJustin's awake, and then walks over to the bed.] Brian: Better now? Justin: Mmmh-mmmh. Brian: You really freaked me out. Justin: You? Brian: It was like you got hit all over again. Justin: I remembered walking away. And suddenly hearingyour voice call my name, to warn me. You never told meabout that. You tried to save me. Brian: I guess I forgot. Justin: It's a good thing one of us remembered. [They kiss each other. Justin reaches into Brian's shirtand pulls out the scarf.] Justin: [whispers] I want you inside me. Brian: Are you sure? Justin: Yeah. Just... take it easy. Brian: Like the first time? [They begin to make love. The camera pans down to thescarf on the floor.]	Plan: A: Chris Hobbs' attack; Q: What event is Justin unable to process? A: Brian; Q: Who tries to get Justin to accept physical contact? A: Ted; Q: Who is fired for surfing porn at work? A: naked waiters; Q: What jobs do Michael and Emmett take? A: Melanie; Q: Who proposes to Lindsay? Summary: Justin is unable to process Chris Hobbs' attack, or to accept physical contact, despite Brian's best efforts. Ted is fired for surfing porn at work. Michael and Emmett take jobs as naked waiters. This time, it's Melanie who proposes to Lindsay.
ENLIGHTENMENT BY: BARBARA CLEGG Part Three First Air Date: March 8, 1983 Running time: 24:38 [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Don't be an idiot. DOCTOR: Man overboard! Man overboard! JACKSON: What's happened? DOCTOR: Man overboard. It's Turlough. JACKSON: Come on, lads, let's try and get a line to him. JACKSON: Wait, the line's not attached. DOCTOR: Come on! TEGAN: Don't just stand there, do something. Stop the ship. Turn back. MARRINER: It would be ridiculous to risk losing the race for an Ephemeral. TEGAN: We can't leave him, he'll die out there. MARRINER: It will be over for him very quickly. His oxygen supply is very small. JACKSON: Look, the Buccaneer. She's putting her sails about. MARRINER: She can't be. DOCTOR: Yes, she's heaving to. DOCTOR: He's safe. Come on. TEGAN: Where are you going? DOCTOR: To talk to Striker. We must get to that ship. JACKSON: You keep on that line, mate. MARRINER: It's surprising of Wrack. TEGAN: To save someone's life? MARRINER: To turn aside from the race. TEGAN: At least Turlough's safe. MARRINER: Is he? Your friend might be better dead than with the captain of that ship. [SCENE_BREAK] MANSELL: Crawl. WRACK: Just what I've been waiting for. WRACK: The balance is perfect. A handsome gift. For Captain Davy with my compliments. MANSELL: A staggering jewel for a rival. WRACK: May it have as great an impact as my present to the Greek. Deliver it. And these. But first, the invitation to Captain Striker. He can't refuse. Not with live bait wriggling on the hook. [SCENE_BREAK] MARRINER: Your friend is safe. We have received a message. I thought you would like to know. TEGAN: Thank you. Where's the Doctor? MARRINER: The wheelhouse. TEGAN: I must go to him. MARRINER: I hope you'll forgive me for saying so, but I've never experienced such a mind as yours before. TEGAN: And you never will again. MARRINER: I find it such a fascinating place. Full of niches. Life. It fascinates me. What are you doing? TEGAN: Work it out for yourself. MARRINER: You've killed your thoughts. You're hiding them from me. TEGAN: And that's the way it will remain until I find out exactly what's going on here. MARRINER: Fascinating. I had no idea Ephemerals could be so entertaining. Perhaps that's why Wrack stopped to pick up your friend. [SCENE_BREAK] STRIKER: Why did your friend jump? DOCTOR: I don't know, but we must get him back. STRIKER: He's made the choice. DOCTOR: It was an impulse. You know how impulsive the young are. No, I don't suppose you do. MARRINER: We have received an invitation from Captain Wrack. A reception aboard the Buccaneer. STRIKER: And delivered by hand. I'm overwhelmed. MARRINER: You will, of course, decline. STRIKER: Naturally. MARRINER: Then we must detain you no longer. DOCTOR: We could collect Turlough. TEGAN: Can't we go? STRIKER: If you wish. MARRINER: Then I will escort you, with the Captain's permission. I shall convey our acceptance to Captain Wrack. TEGAN: I thought you didn't want to go. MARRINER: I think you might need me. Captain Wrack has strange ideas concerning entertainment. [SCENE_BREAK] WRACK: Have you ever seen a man flogged to death? Or keelhauled? Very painful. You Ephemerals have such inventive ways of inflicting pain. Tell me, what do you want aboard my ship? TURLOUGH: Why ask? I thought you could all read minds. WRACK: But yours is such a devious one. It's fascinating. I should like to peel it away, layer by layer. Why did you come to me? Was your intention sabotage? No? Then why did you come to my ship? TURLOUGH: Because you're going to win the race. WRACK: Am I? What makes you so sure? TURLOUGH: What others have said. WRACK: Ah, that I'm ruthless. TURLOUGH: Yes. I'm the same. I'm very determined, too. I like to win. WRACK: You please me. TURLOUGH: I also want to learn the secret of your power. WRACK: Power? TURLOUGH: To win. To control. To read minds. WRACK: Then open your mind. Don't resist. Show faith. TURLOUGH: Thank you. MANSELL: Captain. WRACK: Your friends have accepted my invitation. They're concerned. How sweet. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Hurry up, Tegan. TEGAN (OOV.): I'm being as quick as I can. DOCTOR: Well, the launch'll be alongside in a moment. DOCTOR: Hmm. TEGAN: What is it? DOCTOR: We've been hit. TEGAN: We're under fire? MARRINER: Quick, follow me. MARRINER: The wheelhouse. DOCTOR: Well, come along, come along. [SCENE_BREAK] STRIKER: A point and a half to starboard. HELMSMAN: Aye, aye, sir. MARRINER: Jib topsail's gone, sir. STRIKER: Take in more sail. MARRINER: Sir. Take in more sail, bo'sun. Batten down the hatches. DOCTOR: Asteroid storm. TEGAN: They must know how to avoid a collision with all their technology. DOCTOR: Well, they may not choose to use it. Against the rules of the race. TEGAN: We could be splintered to matchwood. MARRINER: Stand by hang the topsail. Find that sailmaker. DOCTOR: I don't think that worries them. [SCENE_BREAK] MANSELL: Captain. WRACK: What is it? MANSELL: Davy's ship's gaining on us. WRACK: Good. We'll wait till they're alongside. You take the wheel and be prepared to move away from her fast when I activate. You come with me. TURLOUGH: Where? WRACK: You wanted to see how I'm going to win the race. [SCENE_BREAK] STRIKER: She's well trim now, Mister Mate. MARRINER: Yes, sir. TEGAN: What speed are we doing? DOCTOR: I don't know, but it's increasing. STRIKER: Steady. TEGAN: I hope they know what they're doing. DOCTOR: We're way ahead of the others. This ship can't help winning. TEGAN: Unless we're stopped by an asteroid. MARRINER: Davy's moving up on the Buccaneer, sir. [SCENE_BREAK] TURLOUGH: What is this place? WRACK: You'll find out. TURLOUGH: What's going on? [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: What's happening? MARRINER: Davy's stealing the wind from the Buccaneer's sails. STRIKER: And he's passing her. STRIKER: Hold her steady. TEGAN: Davy's ship! [SCENE_BREAK] TURLOUGH: What have you done? WRACK: Improved my chance of winning. [SCENE_BREAK] MARRINER: Davy's gone. Asteroid direct hit. Accidents will happen. DOCTOR: Especially to anyone who challenges Captain Wrack and the Buccaneer. MARRINER: What? DOCTOR: Have you forgotten the Greek who challenged Wrack's ship? I wonder if the same thing will happen to us. MARRINER: Yes? Launch alongside, sir. STRIKER: My compliments to Captain Wrack. MARRINER: Shall we go? [SCENE_BREAK] MANSELL: Your friends will be arriving soon. TURLOUGH: The Doctor? MANSELL: And Miss Tegan and Mister Marriner. TURLOUGH: What do they want? MANSELL: I don't know, sir. Soon you'll be able to ask them yourself. [SCENE_BREAK] MARRINER: The stateroom is this way. TEGAN: I'm scared, Doctor. MARRINER: You've no need to be. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Fascinating. A complete cross-section. TEGAN: Who are they? DOCTOR: Masters of sail, and if they're not, they're Eternals, like your friend Marriner. To them it's just a game to pass the time. I can't see Turlough. MARRINER: Champagne? TEGAN: Please. MARRINER: Your friend isn't here. DOCTOR: I'd noticed. MARRINER: He isn't far. I can sense his thought patterns. TEGAN: Who's that? MARRINER: Your host, Captain Wrack. TEGAN: She's beautiful. DOCTOR: She's also an Eternal. Tegan. WRACK: The wine doesn't please you? MARRINER: It's excellent. DOCTOR: But we don't have your remarkable constitutions. WRACK: You're too modest, Doctor. You're remarkable in other ways, for an Ephemeral. (to Tegan) And you are so intriguing. My guests are begging to meet you. You'll excuse us? DOCTOR: Of course. MARRINER: Your companion is a very beautiful woman. DOCTOR: Is she? MARRINER: The confusion in her mind is exhilarating. DOCTOR: Is it. Look, I need to find Turlough. Can you still sense his mind? MARRINER: Not clearly. MARRINER: I've found him. He's very faint. DOCTOR: Where is he? Concentrate. MARRINER: He is afraid DOCTOR: That should sharpen the image. MARRINER: Yes. The grid room. Ion chamber. I can see his mind quite clearly. DOCTOR: Where is the Ion chamber? MARRINER: Down. Down as far as you can go. Danger. The boy's in danger. It's open to space. There's a vacuum shield. DOCTOR: Look after Tegan. MARRINER: Yes, of course. [SCENE_BREAK] TURLOUGH: Help me. Please! BLACK GUARDIAN: I warned you, boy. You have failed me. You will die. TURLOUGH: Please! [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Which way? Which way? DOCTOR: Ah. [SCENE_BREAK] MANSELL: Mister Marriner, my friend. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Has to be the right way. [SCENE_BREAK] TEGAN: I thought you were taking me to meet someone. WRACK: I was, but they seem to have gone. TEGAN: Shall we return to the party? WRACK: Of course. But first. TEGAN: What. WRACK: Have you heard of time standing still? TEGAN: Oh yes, it's an expression. It means WRACK: Exactly what it says. You will remain frozen in time till I have finished with you, foolish Ephemeral. [SCENE_BREAK] TURLOUGH: Help me, please. Help me! BLACK GUARDIAN (OOV.): Die, boy. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Turlough? [SCENE_BREAK] TURLOUGH: Help me. Help me! Help me! Doctor? Doctor, help me! Doctor! TURLOUGH: Doctor! TURLOUGH: The vacuum shield. DOCTOR: I reset it. TURLOUGH: I thought I was going to die, explode in the vacuum of space. DOCTOR: No. What are you doing in here? TURLOUGH: Wrack. She said this place contains the secret of her power. DOCTOR: Did she? Well, it is part of the ion drive system. TURLOUGH: Why can the room be open to space? DOCTOR: Better reception. Interesting. TURLOUGH: What is it? DOCTOR: Wrack also uses this place as a receiver for something quite different. TURLOUGH: What? DOCTOR: Do you know what that is? TURLOUGH: It's an eye. DOCTOR: Only in appearance. It's function is that of a massive amplifier. TURLOUGH: Is that what she used to destroy the other ships? DOCTOR: Yes. TURLOUGH: So that's the secret of her power. DOCTOR: It's only part of it. There's still the question of focus. TURLOUGH: What do you mean? DOCTOR: Well, Wrack only creates the power. She must have something to focus it onto. Now, how do you think she manages that? TURLOUGH: How big would this point of focus have to be? DOCTOR: Oh, no bigger than this. DOCTOR: The clasp. That's why it was out of period. TURLOUGH: What are you talking about? DOCTOR: Critas the Greek. TURLOUGH: The first ship to be destroyed. DOCTOR: Wrack gave him a clasp as a present. She must have done. And then she worked the same trick with Davy. TURLOUGH: She did. A sword. And it had a crystal on the hilt. DOCTOR: Well, that was it. TURLOUGH: Will she try the same thing with Striker? DOCTOR: Well, I can't see him or Marriner accepting anything from Wrack. They don't trust her. TURLOUGH: Luckily for us. DOCTOR: Oh, that won't stop her. She'll find a way. [SCENE_BREAK] WRACK: Perfect. [SCENE_BREAK] TURLOUGH: Come along. DOCTOR: Wait a minute. Not until I've worked out some sort of plan. TURLOUGH: Do we have to stay here? DOCTOR: It's safer here. Far less likely to pick up my mind vibrations at this level. TURLOUGH: What do you want to do? DOCTOR: I must find a way of staying on this ship. TURLOUGH: Why? DOCTOR: To stop Wrack winning. TURLOUGH: Let me stay, or don't you trust me yet. DOCTOR: You couldn't cope. These creatures have vast powers. That's why none of them must win. To achieve further power would be a disaster. TURLOUGH: But the other ships. You can't stop all of them. DOCTOR: We can but try. [SCENE_BREAK] MANSELL: Resist any further, Doctor, and you will regret it. [SCENE_BREAK] WRACK: Oh, Doctor, you're such a fool. Did you really think your Ephemeral mind could defeat me? You've lost. All that awaits is your ultimate destruction. Bwahahahahahahaha!	Plan: A: Captain Wrack; Q: Who rescues Turlough? A: her advantage; Q: What does Captain Wrack use the other Captains visit to? Summary: Captain Wrack rescues Turlough and see's his coming aboard as a opportunity to invite all the other Captains over and use their visit to her advantage.
Prologue: Buffy's room. She takes the last of her things out of her bag, walks over to her closet and dumps them in. She turns around and looks at the room that she's missed so much for the last few months. It all seems so familiar, and yet not. Certainly it's too neat and clean. She reaches into her closet for a sweater and heads over to her mother's room. Cut to Joyce's room. She's hammering a nail into the wall by the window to hang an ancient tribal mask. Buffy steps into the room. Buffy: Mom? Joyce is very startled and jumps, accidentally slamming the hammer through the drywall. Joyce: Oh! Buffy. Buffy cringes at the sight of the hole in the wall. Her mother pulls the hammer out and turns to face her, smiling while still holding the hammer in one hand, the mask in the other. Joyce: Um . . . Buffy: Sorry. Joyce: No, no. Don't worry about it. I-I guess I just got used to all the quiet while you were gone. (smiles) But it's no problem. She looks down at the mask in her hand, and turns around to hang it on the wall over the hole. It's carved from a reddish wood with cutouts for eyes, which are slanted inward to appear very evil. There are a series of long, pointed teeth with extra long fangs for incisors set into the upper lip. There is no lower jaw portion. Joyce: Uh, look! (hangs the mask on its hook) It's, uh, Nigerian. (faces Buffy again) We got a very exciting shipment in at the Gallery. (glances around the room) I, um, thought I'd hang a few pieces in here. It cheers up the room. Buffy: (looking at the mask) It's angry at the room, Mom. It wants the room to suffer. Joyce: (nods) You have no appreciation of primitive art. (sees that Buffy is holding a sweater) You going out? Buffy: (looks down at the sweater) Oh. Um . . . well, i-if it's okay. I, um . . . I'd like to find Willow and Xander. Joyce: Will you be slaying? Buffy: Only if they give me lip. (smiles weakly) Joyce: Uh, can I make you a sandwich or something before you go? You must be starving. Buffy: I was un-until that four-course snack you served me after dinner. Joyce: Well, then, um . . . (goes to her dresser) You know, w-why don't I drive you? (grabs her keys) Uh, I mean, they could be anywhere. Buffy: Mom . . . if you don't want me to go, just say so. Joyce: No, no. (looks down at her keys briefly) I-I just want to put this whole thing behind us, get back to normal. (inhales deeply) You go. Have a good time. Buffy: Okay. She smiles and gives her mom a nervous little wave, then leaves the room. Cut to an alley. A truck drives by. Behind it Buffy walks along, looking around. She hears something fall to the ground and break, and stops to look in the direction of the sound. Slowly she starts to walk in that direction. Cut to an intersection in the alley. Buffy comes around the corner and looks down the adjoining way. There she sees a man dressed in black, walking suspiciously, as though looking for something. She begins to follow silently, but doesn't notice an empty aluminum can on the pavement, and steps on it. The man reacts instantly to the noise, spins around and swings at her with a stake. Buffy throws up her arms and cross blocks the swing, then deftly takes the stake from the man's hands and raises it to counter attack. He steps back, and the white cross hanging from his neck swings around, standing out in marked contrast to the rest of his attire. Buffy sees that it's Xander, and stays her attack. Xander is taken completely by surprise and just stares back at her. Buffy: (lowers the stake) Didn't anyone ever warn you about playing with pointy sticks? (shakes it at him) It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye. Xander: You shouldn't sneak up on people like that! He breathes hard, trying to catch his breath. He looks at her, trying to convince himself that it's really her, and finally manages a weak smile. Xander: Jeez, Buff! Suddenly a vampire smashes his way out of a crate leaning against a wall. He lunges at Xander and Buffy, knocking them and himself to the pavement. Xander quickly tries to grab the vampire as he gets up, but the demon grabs Xander instead and pulls him up. He draws his fist back for a punch, but Buffy jumps in and hits the vampire in the stomach with a powerful side kick, making him fall backwards into a pile of trashcans and bags. Cordelia's voice comes over the walkie-talkie at Xander's belt. Cordelia: Come in, Nighthawk! Everything okay? Buffy: (taken aback) Nighthawk? The vampire is back on his feet and comes at them. Buffy: Ooh! He tackles Xander and sends him reeling backwards into a chain link fence. Buffy tries to stake him, but he sidesteps her and shoves her into the fence as well. Xander tries to come up behind him, but the vampire swings out with a backhand fist to Xander's face, knocking him to the ground. Buffy gets to her feet and sweep blocks two punches from the demon. She high clocks his third punch and gets a hand under his chin to hold him at bay. He pushes her back into the fence as the two struggle for control. Now Willow, Cordelia and Oz come running. The two girls grab the vampire by the arms and drag him off of Buffy and across the alley, slamming him hard into a steel roll-up door. Buffy catches her breath as she looks on in astonishment. The vampire growls at the girls as Oz tries to move in with a stake, but the vamp roundhouse kicks Oz, sending him to the pavement next to Xander. He then shoves Cordelia away, and Buffy quickly moves to catch her so she won't get hurt. The vampire then throws Willow aside, and she falls onto Xander and Oz. Cordelia: (recognizes) Oh, hey, Buffy. Buffy pushes her aside and wields back her stake when she sees the vampire come after them. Cordelia loses her balance and falls to the pavement next to Willow. Buffy plunges her stake cleanly into the vampire, and he bursts into ashes. As the dust settles down, she looks over at her friends staring up at her from the ground. They are all breathing hard. Buffy gives them a little wave and a weak smile. Buffy: Hey, guys. They just keep staring back. Xander lets his head drop back to the pavement. Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ Giles' apartment building. C ut to outside his door. The kids are all standing there. Buffy: You know, I--maybe it's too late. Maybe we should just come back tomorrow. No one makes a move to go. Buffy looks at the door, then back at the others. Buffy: What if he's mad? Xander: Mad? Just because you ran away and abandoned your post and your friends and your mom and made him lay awake every night worrying about you? (to Oz and Willow) Maybe we should wait out here. Buffy gives him a look. She turns around to face the door, reaches for the knocker and taps it a few times. Cut inside. Giles opens the door and sees Buffy standing there flanked by the others. His face remains expressionless for a long moment. Xander: (to Giles) Check it out. The Watcher is back on the clock. (Giles slips on his glasses) And just when you were thinking career change, maybe becoming a . . . a looker or a . . . a seer. Giles: Thank you, Xander. He looks at his Slayer. Giles: Welcome home, Buffy. Buffy smiles up at him. He pulls the door open further and steps back so they can all come in. Cut to Giles' living room. Oz, Willow, Buffy and Xander are all on he couch. Cordelia is sitting in a facing chair. Giles is leaning on the backrest of another chair. Buffy: I got in a few hours ago, but I wanted to go see my mom first. Giles: Yes. Yes, of course. How, how did you find her? Buffy: Well, I pretty much remembered the address. Giles: Ah, eh, I mean, uh . . . The teakettle in his kitchen begins to whistle. Giles: How are things between you? (notices the whistling) Ah. Excuse me. (goes into the kitchen) Oz: Hey, so you're not wanted for murder anymore. Buffy: Good. That was such a drag. Xander: So where were you? Did you go to Belgium? Buffy: (gives him an odd look) Why would I go to Belgium? Xander: I think the relevant question is why wouldn't you? (smiles hugely and giggles) Belgium! They both laugh. Cut into the kitchen. Giles gets the cups out of his cupboard. He smiles as he listens to the conversation in the living room, pleased that they are getting along so well again so quickly. Buffy: What about you, Xander? What's up with you? Xander: Oh, you know, same old, same old. Giles removes his glasses and leans with his arm against the cupboard, enjoying the sound of his Slayer's voice again after so many months. Cordelia: Hardly. Xander: Okay, I lied, a whole lot is new. Buffy: Well, that's good, isn't it? New is good. Giles shakes himself out of his reverie and puts his glasses back on. Xander: Oh, yeah, absolutely, except for the obvious. It's not too much . . . (inaudible) Cordelia: Yeah, 'cause you weren't at the hotel. Giles lifts up the serving tray and takes it into the living room. Xander: Cordelia's parents dragged her onto a luxury vacation. Buffy: I feel for you. Giles: Here we are then. (sets the tray on the coffee table) Cheer us up. He sits down in his chair and takes the teapot. Buffy and Xander each take a cookie from the tray. Cordelia: So were you, like, living in a box, or what? Buffy: Well, it's a long story. Xander: So skip the heartwarming stuff about kindly old people and saving the farm and get right to the dirt. Giles: (pours several cups) Perhaps Buffy could use a little time to adjust before we grill her on her summer activities. Buffy: What he said. Xander: Fair enough. In fact, you can leave the slaying to us while you settle in. We got you covered. Buffy: I noticed. You guys seem down with the slayage, all tricked out with your walkies and everything. Cordelia: Yeah, but the outfits suck. This whole Rambo thing is so over. I'm thinking more sporty, like Hilfiger maybe. Willow: Still, we were getting good. We dusted (nods) nine out of ten. Oz: (whispers to Willow) Six out of ten. Willow: Six out of ten. Xander: Whatever, we were kicking a little undead booty. Buffy: Well, thank you for the offer, but I think I just wanna get back to my normal routine. You know, school, slaying . . . kid's stuff. In fact, I'm jonesing for a little brainless fun. (to Xander) What are you doing tomorrow? Xander: Oh, I would, but, uh, (reaches his hands around Cordelia's arm) I'm kind of tied up. (smiles) Cordelia: You wish. (pushes him away) Xander sits back into the couch, embarrassed. Buffy: (to Willow) Will? Willow: Um, tomorrow I-- Buffy: Oh, come on. Friends don't let friends browse alone. Willow: Okay. I had some schoolwork, but . . . I can change my plans. Giles: (raises his cup) As for school, Buffy, uh, you know you'll have to talk to Principal Snyder before-- Buffy: On it. Mom is making an appointment with His Ugliness. I know she can break him. Giles looks up from his tea and gives her an unsure little grin. Cut to Principal Snyder's office at Sunnydale High. Snyder looks at Joyce and Buffy intently from behind his desk. Snyder: Absolutely not. Under no circumstances. Joyce: But you can't keep her out of school. You don't have the right. Snyder: I have not only the right, but also a nearly physical sensation of pleasure at the thought of keeping her out of school. I'd describe myself as tingly. Joyce: Buffy was cleared of all those charges. Snyder: Yes. And while she may live up to the not-a-murderer requirement for enrollment, she is a troublemaker, destructive to school property and the occasional student. And her grade point average is enough to . . . (his eyes glaze over for an instant) I'm sorry. Another tingle moment. (smiles smugly) Joyce: (with controlled anger in her voice) I don't see how you can be so cavalier about a young girl's entire future! Snyder: I'm quite sure that a girl with the talents and abilities of Buffy will land on her feet. In fact, (leans toward Buffy) I noticed as I came in this morning that Hot Dog on a Stick is hiring. (Buffy gives him an angry stare) You will look so cute in that hat. Buffy: Let's go, Mom. She gets up and walks toward the door. Her mother stands up and faces Snyder. Joyce: This isn't over. If I have to, I'll go all the way to the Mayor. (follows Buffy out) Snyder: Wouldn't that be interesting. Cut to Sunnydale's shopping district across the street from the Espresso Pump. Buffy and Joyce pull up to the curb in their Jeep. Joyce: Don't worry about school, honey. If we can't get you back into Sunnydale, maybe we can swing private school. Buffy: Private school? You mean, like jackets and kilts? You want me to get field hockey knees? Joyce: (smiles) It's not that bad. Buffy: What about home schooling? You know, it's not just for scary religious people anymore. Joyce: We'll work something out. Okay? They lean toward each other and kiss goodbye. Joyce: Say hi to Willow? Buffy nods as she releases her seatbelt and gets out of the car. Cut to later, still in front of the cafe'. Buffy is standing and waiting for Willow. She checks her watch, and then lets her arms droop, disappointed. She walks over to a bench and sits down to watch and wait for her friend. She watches all the people going by. Her expression starts to get sad and a little bit annoyed as she checks her watch again. Cut to Buffy's house, much later. She walks up the path toward the house. The front door opens, and Buffy sees a woman come out and pull the door closed behind her. She looks at her, confused. The woman sees her and smiles. Pat: Oh, my word! Oh, you must be Buffy! (steps down from the porch) Look at you. Aren't you a picture? Buffy: (unsure) Thank you. Pat: Oh, I'm Pat, (offers her hand) from your mom's book club. (they shake hands) I'm sure she mentioned me. Buffy: Actually-- Pat: I, um, I sort of took it upon myself to look after her while you were, (rolls her eyes) you know, off and away or what have you, and . . . Buffy looks aside, not believing this conversation. Pat: (inhales) Well, between, uh, (exhales) your situation and reading 'Deep End of the Ocean', she was, uh, she was just a wreck. You can imagine. Buffy gives her a thin smile and a weak nod. Pat: Anyway, I'm off. We're-we're making empanadas in my Spanish class tonight. (giggles) You go be with your mom. You two need to rebond. She smiles and goes on her way. Cut inside to the kitchen. Buffy comes in and sets her purse on the island. Joyce is taking some notes from a book. Buffy: Pat wishes us quality time. (goes to the cupboard) Joyce: Oh. I met her in a-- Buffy: Book club. (gets out a glass) Joyce: Yeah. Buffy: Got it. Joyce: (looks up) Oh, uh, before I forget, uh, Willow just called. Buffy: (suddenly attentive) Where was she? Joyce: Uh, she, she got held up, but she said she tried to call. Buffy: (confused) Was there a message? She steps over to the fridge and gets out a pitcher. Joyce: No. But I had a thought. What if I invited Willow and Mr. Giles and everybody over for dinner tomorrow night? (smiles) Don't you think that would be nice? Buffy just opens the pitcher and pours herself a drink. Joyce: Since I sort of already did, I was hoping for a yes. Buffy looks up at her mom and gives her a little smile and a nod. Buffy: It'll be fun. (loses her smile) Joyce: Great. Uh, do me a favor? Run down and get the company plates. Buffy: Mom, Willow and everybody aren't company-plate people. They're normal-plate people. Joyce: We never have guests for dinner. Indulge your mother? Buffy just sighs and heads for the basement door. Cut to the basement. Buffy grabs a stepstool and sets it down in front of an old bookcase full of stuff. She steps up on it and notices a picture on an upper shelf. She pulls it out into the light. It's a photo of her with Willow and Xander. They are on a lawn, and she is sitting with Willow behind her and Xander laying his head on her legs with his eyes turned up at her. She looks at it for a long moment, remembering the time it was taken. She then puts it back and looks up where the good china is. She reaches for the box and starts to pull it down, when a dead and rotting cat suddenly falls off of it. Buffy: Oh! She jerks her head forward, and the cat falls behind her to the floor. She looks down at it squeamishly. Buffy: Eww. Cut to the backyard. Buffy grunts as she shovels out a bunch of dirt among some bushes to make a shallow grave for the cat. Buffy: Next time, I get to pick the mother-daughter bonding activity. Joyce lifts a bag with the cat over the hole and drops it in. Joyce: Do you wanna say something? Buffy: Like what? Thanks for stopping by and dying? Joyce: How about, um . . . good-bye, stray cat, who lost its way. We hope you find it. Buffy accepts that and turns back to the hole to fill it back in. Cut to Buffy's room at 11:34 that night. She reaches over to the lamp on her nightstand and turns it off. She lies back in her bed and hugs the covers to herself. She looks around in the dark, lonely room and waits to fall asleep. Cut to Joyce's room. She is sound asleep in her bed. The camera pans up from her and over to the Nigerian mask on the wall. Its eyes begin to glow a deep red. Cut to the bushes in the backyard. The dirt covering the dead cat begins to move. A moment later the cat pokes its head through the soil, meows menacingly and claws its way out. Once out, it continues hissing and growling as it walks off. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ Sunnydale High. Buffy walks into the hall from outside. The door closes behind her with an echoing clang, startling her. She looks back at it, but then continues walking. The school is deserted. She walks past the empty lounge toward the library. The doors are wide open, and she looks in for a moment. It's just as deserted as the rest of the school. Cut outside. The sun shines brightly down on the quad. Buffy slowly walks down the outside stairs, all the while looking around for any indication that anyone else is there. When she reaches the bottom of the stairs she turns out into the quad. She stops when she sees Angel coming toward her, but then keeps walking as he gets behind her and follows her across the quad. Buffy: I thought they'd be here. Angel: They are. They're waiting for you. Buffy: (looks at him) Am I dreaming? Angel: (smiles and chuckles) I'm probably the wrong person to ask. (Buffy looks ahead again) You'd better go. Buffy: (looks at him) I'm afraid. Angel: (shrugs and looks at her) You should be. He stops walking and watches her go. The school bell rings. Cut to Buffy's room. The school bell blends into the sound of her alarm buzzer going off. Buffy wakes from her dream. She turns over and looks at her alarm clock. 7:00am. She reaches over and turns it off. Cut to the kitchen. Buffy stares into the refrigerator while she listens to her mother talking. Joyce: I've been on the phone with the, uh, Superintendent of Schools. At least he seems more reasonable than that nasty little horrid, bigoted, rodent-man. Buffy: Mom . . . Joyce: Anyway, um, I'm going in to speak with him this afternoon. Uh, as for private schools, uh, Miss Porter's accepts late admissions. Buffy closes the fridge and turns to give her mom a look. Joyce: I, uh, I wrote the information down for you. Buffy: A girls' school? (goes to the island to read the slip of paper) So now it's jackets, kilts, and no boys? (looks back at her mom) Care to throw in a little foot-binding? Joyce sets down her coffee mug and steps over to her daughter. Joyce: Buffy, you made some bad choices. You just might have to live with some consequences. Buffy looks down at the island, knowing that her mom is right. Joyce: Nothing's settled yet. (looks for something to do and spies the trash) I just wish you didn't have to be so secretive about things. (ties off the trashbag) I mean, it's not your fault you have a special circumstance. They should make allowances for you. Buffy: Mom, I'm a slayer. It's not like I need to ride a little bus to school. Joyce: (walks to the door with the trash) Couldn't you just tell a few people, like Principal Snyder . . . and maybe the police? Buffy looks at her like she's got to be kidding. Joyce: I mean, I would think they would be happy to have a . . . a superhero. Buffy can't believe her ears. Joyce: Is that the right term? I mean, it's not offensive, is it? She opens the door to take out the trash, and gasps in fright when she sees the dead cat run in. It stops and meows at them menacingly. Cut to later at the front door. Buffy opens it to admit Giles holding a cage. Buffy: Welcome to the Hellmouth Petting Zoo. She indicates upstairs. Giles looks up and starts to climb the stairs while Buffy closes the door behind him. She follows him up. Cut to Joyce's bedroom. The cat is hiding under the bed. Giles grabs it by the back of its neck and pulls it out. Giles: Oh, my God, what a stench! He takes the cat over to the cage, puts it in and closes the latch. Buffy: You know, I wanted Forest Pine or April Fresh, but Mom wanted Dead Cat. Joyce looks at the cat, grossed out by its appearance and smell. Giles: I'll, uh . . . He steps back for a moment, overcome by the stench. Giles: Ugh! I'll get it back to the library, see if we can determine its exact origins. He lifts the cage and turns to face Joyce. She looks at it, then up at Giles. He notices the mask on the wall behind her. Giles: It's, uh . . . striking and . . . Nigerian. Joyce: Oh. Yes. I-I-I have this wonderful dealer who specializes in ancient artifacts, I don't know if you-- Buffy: (interrupts) You know, I love art talk as much as the next very dull person, but we have work to do, Giles. Research mode. (heads for the door) Giles: Sh-sh-shouldn't you stay with your mother, perhaps, Buffy? I mean, you must have-- Joyce: Please, no. I, it's fine. She can go with you. Giles: A-actually, she can't. Um . . . (to Buffy) you're not allowed on school property. Buffy: Oh. (smiles ironically) Giles: I'm sorry. Um, uh . . . I'll, I'll call as, as soon as I know something. He reaches for the doorknob. The cat growls and hisses. Joyce: Oh, we'll see you tonight? Giles: Tonight, then. Yes. He opens the door and leaves. Cut to the library. The caged cat is on the table. Oz is inspecting it closely, apparently not bothered by its stench. Willow is engrossed in research. Cordelia keeps her distance while Xander shares Oz's fascination, but from a bit further off. Oz: It looks dead. It smells dead. (Xander nods in agreement) Yet it's movin' around. That's interesting. Cordelia: Nice pet, Giles. Don't you like anything regular? Golf, USA Today, or anything? (sits opposite Willow to help research) Giles: (comes down from the stacks) I'm trying to find out how and why it rose from the grave. It's not as if I'm going to take it home and offer it a saucer of warm milk. Oz: Well, I like it. I think you should call it Patches. Willow: What about Buffy's welcome home dinner tonight? I had told her mom we'd help out. Bring stuff. Cordelia: I'm the dip. Everyone looks at her. She doesn't notice and continues reading. Xander: Uh, you gotta admire the purity of it. (chuckles) Cordelia: (looks up at everyone) What? Onion dip. Stirring, not cooking. It's what I bring. Oz: (leans back in his chair) We should figure out what kinda deal this is. I mean, is it a-a gathering, a shindig or a hootenanny? Cordelia: What's the difference? Oz: Well, a gathering is brie, mellow song stylings; shindig, (nods to Cordelia) dip, (Cordelia smiles) less mellow song stylings, perhaps a large amount of malt beverage; and hootenanny, well, it's chock full of hoot, just a little bit of nanny. Xander: Well, I hate brie. Cordelia: I know. It smells like Giles's cat. Giles: It's not my-- Xander: (interrupts) And what'll we talk about at a gathering anyway? 'So, Buffy, did you meet any nice pimps on your travels? And oh, by the by, thanks for ruining our lives for the past three months.' Willow: Xander . . . Xander: You know what I mean. She doesn't want to talk about it, we don't want to talk about it, so why don't we just shut up and dance? Willow: Well, Buffy said she did want to loosen up, you know, have some kid time. (to Oz) Aren't you guys rehearsing tonight? Why don't you play at the party? Oz: Yeah, I think I could supply some Dingo action. Giles: Uh, I-I'm not sure that, a, a, um . . . shindig . . . Oz: Hootenanny. Giles: H-hootenanny i-i-is really the order of the day. Uh, uh, it should . . . maybe something a little more intimate. I-I-I mean, Buffy has just got home. I'm, I'm sure she's still feeling a little disoriented. Willow: All the more reason to make her feel welcome, a-and a big party says, 'Welcome, Buffy.' Xander slaps Giles on the back. Giles turns to give him a look. Xander: Okay, so one vote from the Old Guy for a Smelly Cheese Night, and how many votes for actual fun, huh? Everyone but Giles raises their hand and smiles. Giles: Alright, alright. Have it your way. I'm just glad to have her home. The cat meows again. Giles continues to page through a book. Giles: Now things can get back to normal. He flips a page, but looks over at the cat instead. On the page is a drawing of Joyce's mask. He flips another page before turning his attention back to it. Cut to the Summers house. Cut inside to the dining room. The table is beautifully set with Joyce's best china, crystal and silverware. Buffy is dressed up for the occasion. She is putting the last setting into place when the doorbell rings. She looks over the table one last time and then goes to open the door. Through the window she sees Pat waiting there, holding a large plastic food container. Buffy opens the door. Pat: Hey, there you are! (comes in) Not thinking about any more flights of fancy, I hope. Buffy can't believe her comments, and just closes the door. Pat: Joyce said there was room for one more, so I said forget facial night and let's party! (smiles) I bet you like empanadas. She holds out the container to Buffy, who takes it and gives her a fake smile. Buffy: Do you want to see my mom? Pat: Please. Buffy: (whining loudly and frantically) MOM! Pat looks up the stairs and sees Joyce appear at the top. Joyce: Oh, Pat! Good. Buffy, I hope you don't mind. The two women embrace. Pat: Hi! You look great! The doorbell rings again, and taking the empanadas under one arm, Buffy turns around to answer it. It's Devon with the band. Devon: Hey, Buffy. So where do you want the band to set up? He walks into the living room and looks around for a good spot. Buffy: Wh-the band? Two girls follow him in carrying parts of the drum set. Cut to later. Lots of people are there, and the party is in full swing. Dingoes Ate My Baby (Four Star Mary) are set up in the corner of the living room and are playing "Never Mind." The camera pans from the drummer past Oz on his guitar and Devon at his mic into the crowd. Half of Sunnydale High must be in attendance, the place is so densely packed with people. The camera settles on Willow leaning against a table and smiling at Oz while moving to the beat of the music. The camera turns back into the crowd and follows a party guest until she passes Buffy. Buffy looks around at all of the people, not sure who half of them are, trying to find Willow. She spots her, and walks up to her. Buffy: Hey! Willow: (smiling) Hey! (listens to the band) Lyrics: You can send me a savior Buffy: This is large! Willow: (looks at Buffy) You like? Lyrics: That lives till the end of time Buffy: Yeah. It's great. (looks back at the band) I-I was just sort of hoping it would be . . . us. Lyrics: Time Willow: Sorry. What? (indicates that it's too loud to hear) Lyrics: The promise of heaven Buffy: (louder) This is amazing, but I was sort of hoping we could just hang together, the gang. Lyrics: But that only leaves me dry Willow indicates to the band and makes like she totally can't hear Buffy. She turns her attention back to Oz and smiles at him. Lyrics: Dry Buffy senses that Willow is more into watching Oz play with the band than anything else at the moment, and decides to leave her alone. Lyrics: Too many saviors / And I won't die After walking a ways back into the crowd, Buffy changes her mind, deciding that she wants to talk to Willow now. Lyrics: I never cried, but I needed more from you She touches Willow on the arm and indicates they should go someplace to talk. Willow lets Buffy lead her away through the crowd. Lyrics: I found my life without you now Buffy finds a relatively quiet spot in the dining room where they can talk. Lyrics: And I never mind / I'm only half as blind Buffy: Is everything okay? Lyrics: Cause I needed more from you Buffy: You . . . You seem to be avoiding me, i-in the one-on-one sense. Willow: (looks surprised) What? Lyrics: And I never mind Willow: This isn't avoiding. See? Here you are, here I am. Lyrics: I'm only half as blind Buffy: So we're cool? Lyrics: Cause I needed more from you Willow: Way! That's why, with the party, 'cause we're all glad you're back. She isn't being very convincing, but Buffy decides to accept it for now. Buffy: Okay. Willow: Okay. Good. She goes back to watch the band again. Buffy isn't at all convinced that everything's good. Lyrics: You say my reflection never fades from your eyes Cut to Joyce's bedroom. The mask's eyes begin to glow a deep red again. Cut to an accident scene. A Sunnydale Police car, red and blue lights flashing, is parked next to the body of a victim. One officer walks past it while another interviews witnesses. The camera pans down to the dead man lying in the street. The Emergency Medical Technician tending to him gets up and goes to get a gurney. The camera stops on the man's face. His forehead is severely lacerated. Suddenly his eyes open. The one under the wound is red with blood. The man immediately sits up. Cut back to Buffy's party. The Dingoes are playing their next song, "Sway". Lyrics: I got another rope over me / But I won't hang / I can feel you covet my faith Cut to Xander and Cordelia sucking some serious face by the stairs. Lyrics: I said another lie / I know why / I don't wanna sway Buffy comes walking out of the crowd and sees them. She tries to walk by without being noticed, but Xander sees her. Cordelia doesn't stop kissing him on the face and neck while he talks to Buffy. Xander: Hey, Buff, uh . . . what are you doing? Buffy: I was just taking a break from all this wacky fun. Lyrics: I don't wanna sway Xander: Some kind of party, huh? I guess a lot of people are glad to have you back. Buffy: It seems like people I didn't even know missed me. She looks around at the crowd. Buffy: Did Giles say he was going to be late? Lyrics: Seize these worlds / Or never live again Xander: Uh, he was Library Man last time I saw him. But he'll be here. He wants to celebrate your homecoming. We all do. I mean, it's great to have the Buffster back. (smiles) Lyrics: Seize these worlds Xander: (tries to get Cordelia's attention) Isn't it? Cordelia: (smiles) Totally! (nods) Lyrics: Or never live again Cordelia: (to Xander) Except you were kinda turning me on with that whole Boy Slayer look. Xander: Was I now? Cordelia: You bet, Nighthawk. They smile and giggle at each other, and resume their kissing. Buffy definitely feels like the odd person out. Buffy: Well, I'll just be, uh . . . (gives up) oh, yeah. (leaves) Cut to Joyce's bedroom. The mask's eyes continue to glow red. Cut to Sunnydale General Hospital. A trauma team is trying to revive a burn victim. A nurse holds a pair of defibrillation pads ready while the doctor pumps his chest and another nurse bags him. Doctor: Breathe. Breathe. The man is flat-lining. The heart monitor beeps insistently while the cursor just moves flatly across the screen. Doctor: Alright, look. These burns are too extensive. It's 7:43. Let's call it. He walks off. The one nurse puts away the bag while the other puts away the defib pads. The camera pans in to the dead man. He has severe second- and third-degree burns all along the right side of his face and body. His eyes suddenly pop open. He sits up on the bed, leaving a puddle of blood on the pillow. Nurse: Oh, my God! The reflection on the heart monitor screen shows him violently hitting people out of his way as he goes. Cut to the party. Buffy is at the snack table gathering up empty cups. Lyrics: You know I roll it over in my head A guy reaches in front of her and grabs a handful of party mix, leans his head back and dumps it into his mouth. Most of it spills to the sides and onto the floor. Lyrics: I won't feel you covet my faith Buffy just gives a shrug, grabs a few more cups and turns to go throw them out. She passes two guys talking and overhears their conversation. Party dude: Hey, what's the deal with this party anyway? Lyrics: You've said another lie / I know why Stoner: This party? Heard it was for some chick that just got out of rehab. (takes a drag from his joint) Lyrics: I don't wanna sway Buffy stares at them, less than happy about that rumor, but she ignores them and continues on toward the kitchen. Lyrics: I don't wanna sway Cut to the kitchen. Joyce and Pat are having a little fiesta of their own, and pour some schnapps into two glasses. They raise their glasses, clink them together and each take a good sip. Joyce: Whew! Pat smiles and nods at Joyce. Lyrics: Seize these worlds Pat: Now, how you holding up, Joyce, hmm? Really. Lyrics: Or never live again Joyce: Really? I'm . . . I don't know. Lyrics: Seize these worlds Joyce: While Buffy was gone, all I could think about was getting her home. Lyrics: Or never live again Joyce: I just knew that if I could put my arms around her and tell her how much I loved her, everything would be okay. Lyrics: Seize these worlds Pat: But? Lyrics: Or never live again Buffy reaches the kitchen and overhears. Joyce: Having Buffy home, I-I thought it was gonna make it all better, but in some ways, it's almost worse. Lyrics: Seize these worlds / Or never live again Buffy takes it hard, and goes back to the stairs. Cut to Buffy's room. She comes in and swings the door partially closed behind her. She looks at her bed sadly and sniffles. She bends down to pull her bag out from underneath, slams it onto the mattress and opens it up. She goes to her closet, gets out a pile of folded clothes, goes back to her bed and stuffs them into the bag. Cut to Joyce's bedroom. The mask's eyes are still glowing. Cut outside. The camera pulls away from the house. Cut to the park. Several zombies are making their way through it toward the house. [SCENE_BREAK] ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ The library. The cat meows acridly in its cage. Giles is looking through his books yet again. This time he finds what he needs and quickly reads. Giles: Oh, Lord! He goes into his office and sets the book down on his desk. He turns the page and this time sees the picture of the mask that he'd missed before. He grabs the phone and quickly dials Buffy's number. He impatiently listens to it ringing. Cut to Buffy's house. The Dingoes are into their next song, "Pain". The camera pans across the party guests. The phone can barely be heard ringing above the noise. The camera focuses on it. No one thinks to pick up. Cut to the library. Giles waits anxiously for an answer. Cut to the party. The weed smoker picks up the phone and holds it tightly to his ear, plugging his free ear with a finger. Stoner: Party Villa, can I rock you? Giles: (cut to him) I-I-I need to speak with Buffy. Um, immediately! I have some information that is extremely important. Lyrics: Feeling I've been lost for years Cut to the party. Someone breaks a glass, and the Stoner looks across the room. Lyrics: You can never understand me Stoner: Yeah! Fiesta foul! You gotta do a shot! Lyrics: Unless you've seen those tears Giles: (cut to him) I need to speak to Buffy! Now! Stoner: (cut to him) Bunny? Lyrics: But you never get to sleep Stoner: (to his friend, pointing) See? That guy's gotta do a shot. Lyrics: When I'm away Giles: Buffy! Stoner: (holds the phone out to the crowd) Hey! I need to talk to a Buddy! Lyrics: I don't mind Stoner: (to the room) Is there a Buddy here? Lyrics: The deeper that you lay Stoner: (into the phone) Sorry. He's not here. You got the wrong casa, Mr. Belvedere. (hangs up) Lyrics: Out of time / Pain, I can't sleep Giles: (cut to him) H-hello? Hello? He slams the phone down and quickly gathers up his things. The cat snarls and hisses. Cut to Buffy's room. She's at her closet getting more things. She goes back to her bed. While she stuffs her things into her bag, Willow shows up at her door and sees her packing. Willow: You're leaving again? Buffy gives her a quick glance and goes back to packing. Willow: (upset) What, you just stopped by for your lint brush and now you're ready to go? Buffy: It's not like anyone will mind. Willow: (heavy with sarcasm) Oh, no. Have a great time. Oh, oh, and don't forget to not write. Buffy: (faces Willow, sobbing) Why are you attacking me? I'm trying. Willow: Wow, and it looks so much like giving up! Buffy: I'm just trying to make things easier. Willow: For who? Buffy: You guys were doing just fine without me. Willow: We were doing the best we could! It's not like we had a lot of choice in the matter. Buffy: Sorry that I had to leave, but you don't know what I was going through. Willow: Well, I'd like to. Buffy: You wouldn't understand. Willow: (considers) Well, maybe I don't need to understand. Maybe I . . . I just need you to talk to me. Buffy: How could I talk to you when you were avoiding me? Willow: This isn't easy, Buffy! I know you're going through stuff, but . . . so am I. Buffy: I know that you were worried about me, but-- Willow: No! I don't just mean that. I mean, my life! You know? I, um . . . I'm having all sorts of--I'm dating, I'm having serious dating with a werewolf, a-and I'm studying witchcraft and killing vampires, and I didn't have anyone (starts sobbing) to talk to about all this scary life stuff. And you were my best friend. Cut to Giles speeding along to Buffy's house as best he can in his decrepit car. He looks left and right in anger and fear. Giles: Unbelievable. (mocks Joyce) 'Do you like my mask? Isn't it pretty? It raises the dead!' Americans. He looks ahead in time to see that he's about to hit someone. Giles: Jesus! He slams on the brakes and begins to skid. He hits the man, who falls onto the hood of the car, bounces off of the windshield and slides off as the car comes to a stop. The man rolls a few times on the pavement before coming to rest. Giles stares in shock at the man lying in the road. Giles: My God. He quickly gets out of his car. Giles: Are you alright? He rushes over to the man and feels for a pulse on his neck. Giles: Are you hurt? The man rolls over, and Giles sees that he's in an advanced state of decay. Giles: Good God. The zombie grabs Giles by the coat and lifts him up as it gets to its feet. Other zombies start approaching from an alley. Cut to Buffy's room. Buffy: You have no idea how much I missed you. Everyone. I wanted to call every day. Willow: That doesn't matter, Buffy. It doesn't make it okay that you didn't. Joyce walks by the room and sees the bag on Buffy's bed. Joyce: What is this? Is this some sort of a joke? Buffy: Mom, please, could you, could you just-- Joyce: (interrupts) No, I can't just! Buffy, what is this? Willow: She was running away again. Buffy: No, I wasn't. (pauses, very confused) I'm not sure. Joyce: Well, you better get sure and explain yourself right away! If you think you can just-just take off any time you feel like it-- Buffy: Stop it! Please! I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing. She rushes from her room and heads downstairs. Joyce and Willow follow right on her heels. Cut to below. Buffy comes rushing down the stairs with her mother and best friend right behind. She stops at the front door, and turns into the living room when she finds Xander and Cordelia locked in a passionate embrace, blocking her way out. Joyce: Don't you leave this house, young lady! Buffy doesn't stop her determined walk. Joyce: You know what? That's it. She runs up behind Buffy, grabs her arm and turns her around to face her. Joyce: You and I are going to have a talk. The band stops playing and most of the people stop talking. Suddenly the level of noise in the room is reduced to just a few voices. Buffy looks around at everyone staring at them. Buffy: (implores) Mom, please-- Xander and Cordelia come into the living room. Joyce: (interrupts, mad) You know what? I don't care. I don't care what your friends think of me, or you for that matter, because you put me through the wringer, Buffy. (inhales) I mean it. (exhales and inhales) And I've had schnapps. (exhales) Do you have any idea what it's been like? Buffy: Mom, this isn't the time-- Willow looks around, worried. Oz comes up next to her. Joyce: (interrupts again) You can't imagine months of not knowing. Not knowing whether you're lying dead in a ditch somewhere or, I don't know, living it up-- Buffy: (interrupts in turn) But you told me! You're the one who said I should go. You said if I leave this house, don't come back. You found out who I really was, and you couldn't deal. Don't you remember? People are beginning to think this is a drag and leave. Joyce: Buffy, you didn't give me time. You just dumped this thing on me and you expected me to get it. Well, guess what? Mom's not perfect, okay? I handled it badly. But that doesn't give you the right to punish me by running away. Buffy: Punish you? I didn't do this to punish you! Xander: Well, you did. You should've seen what you put her through. Buffy: Great. Thanks. Anybody else want to weigh in here? (sees Jonathon) How about you by the dip? Jonathon freezes in the middle of bringing a chip laden with dip to his mouth and looks around nervously at everyone suddenly staring at him. Jonathon: No, thanks. I'm good. Xander: You know, maybe you don't want to hear it, Buffy, but taking off like you did was incredibly selfish and stupid. Buffy: Okay! Okay. I screwed up. I know this. But you have no idea! You have, you have no idea what happened to me or what I was feeling! Xander: Did you even try talking to anybody? Buffy: There was nothing that anybody could do. Okay? I just had to deal with this on my own. Xander: Yeah, and you see how well that one worked out. You can't just bury stuff, Buffy. It'll come right back up to get you. Cut to the street. The zombie has Giles bent back on the hood of his car. Giles gets his foot underneath him and push kicks him off. He rolls off of the hood and scrambles back into the car, locking the door. The zombies start pounding on the car. Giles reaches for the ignition and discovers the keys missing. He searches his pockets. Nothing. He looks out onto the street, and there they are. Giles: Oh, good show, Giles. He thinks for a moment what to do, then reaches underneath the dash and pulls out some wires. Quickly he unravels and strips the appropriate ones. A zombie punches through the window and reaches in for him. Giles touches the wires together. They spark, and the engine starts up. Giles: Like riding a bloody bicycle! He puts the car in gear and drives off, slowly leaving the zombies behind. Cut to Buffy's living room. Buffy: As if I even could've gone to you, Xander. You made your feelings about Angel and I perfectly clear. Xander: Look. I'm sorry that your honey was a demon, but most girls don't hop a Greyhound over boy troubles. Cordelia doesn't think this is fair, and intercedes. Cordelia: Time out, Xander. Put yourself in Buffy's shoes for just a minute. Okay? I'm Buffy, freak of nature, right? Naturally I pick a freak for a boyfriend, and then he turns into Mr. Killing Spree, which is pretty much my fault-- Buffy: (interrupts) Cordy! Get outta my shoes! Cordelia: I'm just trying to help, Buffy. Willow: Buffy, you never-- Buffy: (nears the breaking point) Willow, please. I can't take this from you, too. Xander: Let her finish! You at least owe her that. Buffy: God, Xander! Do you think you could at least stick to annoying me on your own behalf? Xander: Fine! You stop acting like an idiot, I'll stop annoying you! Buffy: (steps up to Xander) Oh, you wanna talk acting like an idiot, Nighthawk? Oz: Okay. I'm gonna step in now, (gets between them) being Referee Guy. Willow: No, let them go, Oz. (gets a look from him) Talking about it isn't helping. We might as well try some violence. A zombie suddenly smashes though the living room window and comes in. Others follow right behind. Willow: I was being sarcastic! A zombie grabs Xander, and they start to wrestle. Another one grabs the Stoner's head and twists it violently, breaking his neck. Xander gets the upper hand on the slow-moving zombie and throws him back out of the window. Willow and Oz scramble to help out. A zombie dives through the kitchen door window. The remaining party guests all try to drive the zombies out, but aren't very organized about it. Xander breaks away from the crowd. Buffy: Xander, kitchen! Xander: I got your back! She tosses him an andiron from the fireplace, and he runs into the kitchen with Cordelia close behind. A zombie attacks Buffy, and she launches herself into a hopping side kick to his gut. She sidesteps a punch and swings under his arm with an uppercut to his jaw, but he isn't fazed. He swings at her with both arms, knocking her aside. Joyce watches Buffy fight, cringing at every blow. Buffy punches the zombie twice in the face and then ducks past him as he lunges at her with his arm trying to grab her. He turns around and tries to make a grab for her, but Joyce comes up behind him with a vase and smashes it over his head. The party guests are having limited success keeping the zombies out of the house. Buffy leg sweeps the zombie and knocks him down. Joyce: Are these vampires? Buffy: Uh, I don't think so. Willow: Buffy, heads up! She tosses Buffy a piece of the broken window frame. Buffy catches it out of the air and tries staking the zombie. He just looks up at her as though she pinched him. Buffy: No, not vampires. The zombie starts to get back to his feet. Cut to the kitchen. Xander swings the andiron at one of them, making him stagger a bit. Cordelia looks around and finds a stake on the counter. She jams it into the zombie's gut. He staggers back again. Pat looks into the kitchen from the hall, not paying attention to her back. A zombie comes up behind her and grabs her by the jaw and the back of her head. She screams as she's dragged off. The zombie in the kitchen comes at Xander again. Another one is trying to crawl in through the window over the sink. Xander: Man, this sucker wobbles, but he won't fall down! He swings the andiron at the zombie's legs and knocks him to he floor. Cut to the living room. Joyce hits the zombie repeatedly over the head with a broken piece of wood. Jonathon is holding a guitar, ready to smash it over the zombie. Buffy: We got to get 'em back outside! Joyce: On three! Devon grabs the zombie by the back. Oz and Joyce each grab an arm. Joyce: One . . . Two . . . Three! Together they drag him to the front door, where Buffy is waiting to slam it shut. The three of them throw the ghoul out and barricade themselves against the door. The zombie slams himself against it, trying to get back in. Buffy: Okay! We're gonna have to barricade this door! Cut to the kitchen. Xander and Cordelia have their zombie pinned face down to the floor with his arms behind him. Buffy: We need some help out here! Xander: I got him. Go help Buffy. Cordelia rushes into the living room to help while Xander ties up the zombie. Cut to the front door. Some of them scramble to get something to barricade the door while others lean against it to keep it closed. Oz: Grab that table! He goes to grab the small table. Devon takes his place at the door. Oz drags the table back and positions it against the door. He leans into it while Devon goes off to get another one. Xander shows up to help, too. Suddenly the zombie punches through the door and makes a grab for Oz's shoulder. Buffy: Upstairs! She runs up the stairs and into her mother's room. Willow, Xander and Joyce follow her. At the top of the stairs Joyce sees Pat lying unconscious on the floor further down the hall. Joyce: Oh, Pat! She rushes over to Pat. Willow and Buffy run over to help also. Joyce: Oh, God . . . Pat wakes, and Willow and Joyce help her up, each getting under one arm. Buffy: Careful! Pat: Oh . . . Xander: (watches the stairs) Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry. Joyce: (to Pat) I got you. Okay. They drag her toward the bedroom. Xander ushers them in and follows. Cut below. The stand at the door has to be abandoned. Devon runs out the back. Cordelia helps Oz get away from the zombie outside the door, and they try to run up the stairs, but another zombie grabs Oz from behind and pulls him down to the floor. Cordelia: Oz! She reacts quickly and comes back down holding her hand out to Oz, but he waves her off. Oz: GO! GO! She starts to run toward the back, and Oz scrambles out of the zombie's reach, running right behind her. Cut to Joyce's bedroom. She and Willow have to drag Pat the rest of the way in and lie her down on a large padded wicker chair and footrest while Buffy and Xander try to get the door closed to keep a zombie out. Willow feels for a pulse on Pat's neck. Willow: She's-- Joyce: Oh, God! Pat! She's dead! The zombie gives the door a good bump, knocking Xander back and into the far wall. The impact vibration knocks the mask from its hook. Buffy manages to shove the zombie back a bit. Willow and Joyce run to help. The eyes of the mask begin to glow red again. Xander gets back up, and now all four of them are pushing against the door to get it closed. Joyce: What do we do if they get in? Xander: I kind of think we die. The mask's eyes keep glowing. Cut to Pat. Her eyes open wide. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ Inside a downstairs closet. It's absolutely dark. Cordelia: I don't hear anything. Should we check? Oz: (exhales) Let's go for it. He opens the door and looks out. No zombies. He looks the other way. The coast appears to be clear. They can, however, hear noises coming from upstairs. Oz gives Cordelia a glance and looks around again to be absolutely sure that at least there isn't anything going on downstairs. Cordelia sees a pair of ski poles in the closet and hands one of them to Oz. Cordelia: Here. Oz: Thanks. Together they start down the hall toward the stairs. They reach the kitchen door. Cordelia looks in and startles when suddenly Giles appears there, having come in through the back door. She holds her ski pole up to his neck. Oz holds his ski pole pointed at Giles' gut. Giles: Cordelia, it's me! It's me! Cordelia: How do we know it's really you and not zombie Giles? Giles: Cordelia, do stop being tiresome. Cordelia: It's him. She and Oz both draw back their weapons. The noises upstairs seem to get louder. They start moving toward the stairs again. Oz: I think the Dead Man's Party's moved upstairs. Giles: That makes sense. It's the mask in Joyce's bedroom they're after. Cordelia: Mask? Giles: The mask holds the power of a . . . zombie demon, called Ovu Mobani--Evil Eye. I don't think we can get past them. They crouch by the stairs and try to look upstairs. Oz: Well, what happens if they get the mask? Giles: If one of them puts it on, they become the demon incarnate. Cordelia: Worse than a zombie. Giles: Yes, worse. Cut to Joyce's bedroom. Pat sits up on the footrest. The zombie at the door overpowers Buffy and the others, pushing the door in violently. Joyce and Xander fall to the floor. The zombie comes in and backhand punches Buffy, sending her into the wall. Pat sees the fighting, but her attention is drawn to the mask lying on the floor. Its eyes glow a bright red now. Xander tries to grab the zombie from behind, but it throws a backhand punch and hits Xander in the jaw. Xander goes flying in a high arc onto the bed and rolls off of the far side onto the floor. Pat stands up, her gaze fixed on the mask, and steps over to it. Joyce sees her stand up, and looks at her amazed. She gets up from the floor and goes over to Pat. Joyce: Oh, God! We thought you were-- She tries to hug Pat, but Pat grabs her outstretched arms and pushes her hard onto the bed. Joyce rolls off next to Xander. Pat bends down to pick up the mask and holds it to her face as she stands back up. The eyes suddenly glow a very bright red, and the mask integrates itself into Pat's face. The zombie immediately stops fighting Willow and falls to his knees, screaming and cowering before Ovu Mobani incarnate. Xander: (to Joyce) Generally speaking, when scary things get scared: not good. Willow looks at Mobani, transfixed by its stare. Mobani: I live, you die. Buffy tries to get between them. Ovu Mobani turns to her, and its eyes flash, mesmerizing Buffy. It backhand punches her, and sends her flying in a high arc against the closet door. Buffy is only slightly dazed, and quickly raises herself up on her hands. She sees Willow back away from Mobani fearfully. Buffy: Willow, don't look! Mobani's eyes flash again at Willow, and she freezes. The demon strides over to her and grabs her by the jaw and the back of her head. Buffy lunges at Mobani, grabs it and dives out of the bedroom window. Cut outside. The two of them fall onto the roof and roll down and off. They hit the railing of the back porch and break it, fall over some bushes and roll into the backyard. Cut to Giles, Oz and Cordelia on the stairs. They hear the crash through the window. Giles: Out back! They rush back down the stairs, but a zombie appears from the dining room and takes Giles by the neck. Cut outside. Buffy and Ovu Mobani get to their feet. Buffy looks away and quickly puts some distance between herself and the demon, shading her eyes as she goes. Buffy: Not looking. Mobani makes tracks after her. Buffy: Not looking! Cut to Joyce's bedroom. With Ovu Mobani no longer there, the zombie has quit its cowering and begun attacking the mortals. Xander and Willow each have the zombie by an arm, and Joyce swings a baseball bat hard into his back. The zombie screams and flails its arms, shaking Xander and Willow loose. He turns to face Joyce, who keeps swinging the bat. The zombie blocks the blows with its arm, but Joyce doesn't stop. Cut outside. Mobani tackles Buffy to the ground and turns her over. Buffy immediately covers her eyes with her arm, and the demon's eye flashes have no effect on her. Buffy snap kicks Mobani off of her, and the demon flies across the yard and lands hard on its back. Cut to the stairs. Oz and Giles try to use a ski pole to hold the zombie at bay, but it's not working very well. Giles: Tell Buffy Mobani's power lies in his eyes! Oz kicks the zombie twice in the shoulder, trying to force him back so he can get down the stairs. The zombie isn't fazed, so Oz just hops over the stair railing instead. Giles: She has to go for the eyes to defeat him! Cut outside. Buffy gets to her hands and knees and scrambles over to the shovel. Behind her Mobani is coming for her again. Buffy turns around with the shovel raised, but the demon flashes its eyes at her again, this time making her freeze. Behind them Oz comes running out of the kitchen door. Oz: Buffy! This distracts Ovu Mobani and brings Buffy out of her trance. Mobani flashes its eyes at Oz, making him freeze on the porch. Buffy stands back up and raises the shovel. Buffy: Hey, Pat! Ovu Mobani snaps its head around to look at Buffy again, who jams the shovel into the demon's eyes, embedding it in its head. Mobani grabs the shovel handle and tries to pull it out, but can't. Buffy: Made you look. In a flash of brilliant white light Ovu Mobani disappears. Cut to Joyce's bedroom. She is still beating on the zombie. In a flash of light he disappears. Joyce's next swing goes wild, and she stops. Cut to the stairs. Cordelia is helping Giles hold the zombie at bay with the ski poles, when he disappears in a flash of light, making her fall forward. She reacts quickly and steadies herself against the wall. Cut outside. Buffy just stares where Mobani was. On the porch Oz shrugs. Oz: Never mind. Cut inside. Giles and Cordelia come down the stairs. Behind them Joyce runs down and into the living room, looking for Buffy. She sees her and Oz come in through the kitchen. Joyce: Honey! She embraces her daughter tightly. Buffy hugs her mom back. Joyce: Oh! They release their embrace. Oz sees Willow come into the living room and goes to her. Joyce: Are you all right? Buffy: Yeah. Joyce: (panting) So, is this a typical day at the office? Buffy: No. This was nothing. Willow and Oz hold hands, and then turn to face Buffy. Xander comes into the living room through the kitchen. Cordelia joins them. Joyce looks around at the mess in the house. Xander: (to Buffy) Nice moves. Buffy: You, too. Willow smiles, and goes to hug her best friend. They hold each other close for a long time. Giles looks on from the other side of the room and breathes deeply. Cut to Principal Snyder's office the next day. He's getting some files from his cabinet. There is a knock on his door. It opens and Giles comes in. Snyder glances over to see who it is, and goes to his desk. Snyder: Do we have an appointment? Giles: I'd like to have a word with you. Snyder drops the files on his desk and turns to face Giles. Snyder: If that word is Buffy, then I have two words for you: 'good' and 'riddance'. Now, if you don't mind, I have an appointment with the Mayor. Giles: You can't keep her out of this school. Snyder: (pulls on his jacket) I think you'll find I can. Giles: You had no grounds for expelling her. Snyder: I have grounds, I have precedent, and a tingly kind of feeling. Giles: Buffy Summers is a minor, and is entitled to a public education. Your personal dislike of the girl does not legally entitle you to-- Snyder: (interrupts) Why don't you take it up with the city council? He grabs the files and his briefcase and heads for the door. Giles: I thought I'd start with the State Supreme Court. Snyder stops and faces him. Giles: You're powerful in local circles, but I believe I can make life very difficult for you, professionally speaking. (confidently) And Buffy will be allowed back in. Snyder: Sorry. I'm not convinced. He tries to go again. Giles grabs him by the lapel and shoves him back into his filing cabinet. Giles: (grining) Would you like me to convince you? Snyder shakes his head ever so slightly and looks back nervously. Cut to the Espresso Pump. Cut inside. The camera pans across the interior and stops on Buffy and Willow sitting on stools at a table with a couple of drinks. Willow: I mean, I'm not a full-fledged witch. That takes years. I just did a couple pagan blessings and . . . a teeny glamour to hide a zit. Buffy: Does it scare you? Willow: It has. I tried to communicate with the spirit world, and I so wasn't ready for that. It's like being pulled apart inside. Plus I blew the power for our whole block. Big scare. Buffy: I wish I could've been there with you. Willow: Me, too. I really freaked out. Buffy: I am sorry. Willow: It's okay. I understand you having to bail. I can forgive that. Mm, I have to make allowances for what you're going through a-and be a grownup about it. (gives Buffy a slightly smug look) Buffy: (smiles) You're really enjoying this whole moral superiority thing, aren't you? Willow: (smiles) It's like a drug! Buffy: Fine! Okay. I'm the bad. I can take my lumps . . . for a while. Willow: All right. I'll stop giving you a hard time. (pauses) Runaway. Buffy: (gives her a surprised look) Will! Willow: (smiles and giggles) I'm sorry! Quitter. Buffy: (widens her eyes at her) Whiner. Willow: Bailer. Buffy: Harpy. Willow: Delinquent. Buffy: Tramp. Willow: (takes mock offense) Bad seed. Buffy: Witch. Willow: Freak.	Plan: A: Buffy; Q: Who struggles to fit back into Sunnydale life? A: Nigerian; Q: What nationality is the demon mask? A: Buffy's house; Q: Where do the zombies go when Buffy returns? A: her arrival; Q: What are her friends and family celebrating? Summary: Buffy struggles to fit back into Sunnydale life. She feels her friends and family have grown distant while she was away. Meanwhile, a Nigerian demon mask summons an army of zombies straight to Buffy's house...where everyone is celebrating her arrival.
In the courthouse Mr. Stone: I really appreciate your time Chuck. I'm glad we see eye to eye on this. Chuck: Well look I've known Peter since he was a boy. He's a good kid. He just got mixed up with the wrong element. Peter: Man did I ever. I truly regret the day that I met Sean Cameron. Ms. Hatzilakos: Well thankfully we won't have to worry about seeing Sean again. Peter: Oh mom, dad do you mind if I go talk to Emma for a minute? (They both nod yes.) Emma: What happened? I'm dying. Peter: Well the crown attorney's been going to my dad's Christmas party for years. That's what happened. I'm free Emma. I'm free. My dad just pulled some strings with his buddy Chuck. Emma: So you got off with nothing? Peter: Hardly. No I lost my licence. I got tons of community service. I'm under strict house arrest at my mom's. Emma: Ouch. That'll be no picnic. Peter: Yeah tell me about it. There's good news. Sounds like Sean's gonna be nailed to the wall for this. Emma: I have a new zero tolerance policy when it comes to talking about Sean. Peter: So you haven't heard from him? Emma: Nope. With his hit and run charges, I don't think either of us will for a long, long time. (Peter kisses Emma on the cheek.) At Degrassi, Peter is on the morning announcements Peter: (On the TV) Illegal street racing is like playing with a loaded gun. It's a serious crime, so my actions have had repercussions beyond my personal punishments and I hope I can explain to everyone just how sorry and ashamed I feel. My behaviour, as well as the other people involved, have had terrible consequences. I also need to say that I'm sorry for tarnishing Degrassi's rep in our community and I hope that I can gain your trust back. Thank you. Mr. Simpson: We've seen it from CEO's, athletes and presidents. It's a classic example of the on-air mea culpa. (He looks at Emma who gives him a dirty look.) Mr. Simpson: But in this case I'm sure it's coming from a very genuine place. Uh- In the hallway Manny: So Peter got out of jail because he said he was sorry? Emma: And because he agreed to a zillion conditions. Peter's taking this seriously, Manny. It's no joke. Manny: You're right. No one's laughing. Least of all Sean. Emma: What does that mean? Manny: Nothing. I just feel a little bad. I mean I know this was Sean's fault, but still. He's in jail. Emma: Sean can take care of himself. He always does. Peter is the one I'm worried about. (Peter walks over and puts his arms around Emma and Manny.) Peter: Heard my name! Hope you're saying good things. Emma: Only. Manny: To one disturbed visiting hour. (Manny pushes Peter's arm off her shoulder and walks away.) Emma: So how's life under house arrest? Peter: The warden's not cutting me any slack. She's not even gonna let me take you to the dance. Emma: What? You're kidding. That is so unfair. (Ms. Hatzilakos gives him a dirty look and he sighs.) Peter: Yeah I'm coming. I'll talk to you later. In the student council meeting Liberty: So we'll hire a mariachi band. (Nobody says anything.) Liberty: What? You said we needed a theme for the dance. Emma: A good theme. Toby: Look as the new treasurer, I've done the math. No band. The most we can afford right now is Jimmy and Spinner jamming in sombreros. Emma: Even in disguises that would be lame. Wait. That's it. That'll be our theme. A masquerade. Like everyone will come in costume, all incognito. Liberty: Cucaracha! Speaking of cockroaches, what's he doing here? (Jay is shown talking to Mr. Simpson.) Emma: If he's back at Degrassi, I'm dropping out. In Ellie's newspaper office, Ellie is flipping through the newest edition Ellie: It's not here. Jesse: Okay Nina, you're on the essay plagiarism ring. Eric, you're on the chancellor's record spending and you're in my way Frosh. Ellie: What happened to my article on the tuition rally? Jesse: Oh you mean the one filled with rookie reporter mistakes? Hmm guess I forgot to publish it. Wonder why? Ellie: Well don't I even get a chance to fix it? Jesse: No and if you need talking down Frosh, there's a counsellor in the clinic. Ellie: I gave up food and sleep. I did research in a beer bong puddle. Nina: Welcome to the Core. In the hallway Jay: Thanks Mr. S. I appreciate your concern. I'll pass it on to Sean. (Mr. Simpson walks away and Emma walks over.) Emma: Whatever you're here for, we're not interested. Jay: I was just talking to your step dad about Sean. Remember him? Emma: I'm trying to forget. Jay: Oh someone's changed their tune. Seems to me someone was pretty damn interested in Sean for a while. Emma: Excuse me? What did he tell you? Jay: Nothing. He didn't have to. Look it was obvious there was something going on. Something that you didn't want your boyfriend to know about. Emma: This conversation is over Jay. (Emma starts to walk away, but Jay stops her.) Jay: Speaking about your boyfriend. I heard that he got off with a slap on the wrist. Emma: Please. He's under major Hatzilakos lockdown, plus community service! Jay: Poor baby. I really hope the leaf blower doesn't strain his back. Emma: I'm really beginning to remember why I don't like you. Jay: This isn't about me. It's about Sean, okay? He is in hell. Yesterday he was sent to the infirmary. Some dude jumped him in the chow line. Emma: Jumped him? Why? Jay: 'Cause he didn't like Sean's face! It's jail Emma. It ain't your boyfriend's country club. Just maybe you could go to Sean's court hearing tomorrow. I have to work, but he could use a friend. (Jay leaves and Emma gets a text message saying 'Meet me at the bus stop at 7. XO Peter'.) In the newspaper office Ellie: Look I'm sorry I blew it, but being a journalist is my life. If you give me another chance I promise, I... I will not screw it up. Jesse: See that's what your last article needed. Passion. Conviction. Ellie: My article was good. Good enough to get me an A in journalism class. Jesse: Well the Core's the fifth largest paper in Toronto. We don't have time for school projects Frosh. Ellie: Maybe you'd be fourth if you printed stuff people cared about. Jesse: Oh, so you know my job better than I do, huh? Makes you pretty damn arrogant. Ellie: I'm arrogant? I've never met such a, a pompous, full-of-himself jerk! Jesse: Kind of makes you hate my guts, huh? Ellie: No I'd have to care to hate you. Jesse: Hey Frosh, care enough to get a beer? Talk it over? At the bus stop, Peter drives up in his car and Emma gets in Emma: You drove? Can't you get in trouble for this? Peter: It's called taking a risk. Besides you're more than worth it. (Peter kisses her and pulls away.) Peter: Oh you're wearing that vanilla stuff? Emma: Honey vanilla shampoo. Sorry. I forgot you don't like it. Promise not to use it before Friday's dance. Peter: What, suddenly you've become governor and issued me a stay? Emma: Better. I suggested a costume party. A masquerade, so you can be my incognito date. Peter: Sneaky and gorgeous. Nice. Emma: Okay time's up Romeo. You need to go home. I don't want you to get into any more trouble. Peter: I won't. My mom's at a PTA meeting. Emma: So how did you get the car? Peter: Found out where she hid the keys. What can I say? I'm good. (They kiss again.) Emma: This is weird. Being in this car and everything. Peter: What? I didn't hit that guy. Sean did. That's why he's in jail. Emma: But you don't feel badly? Peter: Oh of course I do. It's terrible. Innocent guy getting hurt. Emma: It's a good thing he's okay, huh? Peter: Yeah tell me about it. Imagine if he'd died? No way, I would have gotten off with a little slap on the wrist. Emma: The time. I should go. (Emma kisses him quickly then leaves.) At Ellie's place, Jesse is bringing her home after their date Ellie: You lecture me about my writing and then you go gaga over a band that screams gibberish instead of taking the time to craft actual lyrics. Jesse: Gibberish? You gotta be kidding me. Ellie: Well you're lucky the music was a wicked blend of Zeppelin and Sabbath. I'm so writing that review. Jesse: Oh well this time it goes in. No questions asked. So... Ellie: So. Uh guess I better get to work. Jesse: Yeah. Yeah. (He leans in to kiss her and Ellie turns her head to the side.) Jesse: Night. Ellie: Night. (He leaves and Marco walks over.) Marco: Guess this means you're officially over Craig. (Ellie hits him with the paper and smiles.) At Emma's house, Emma is going through her clothes Manny: Who died? Emma: I'm trying to look respectable, not funereal. Manny: You're going to Sean's court hearing? What happened to the zero tolerance o' Sean policy? Emma: Jay gave me his court notice. I just thought...I don't know. I thought I should check on how his case is going. Manny: And for that you need a top that brings out your glowy, glowy skin. Emma: You were worried about him too. Manny: Still am, but I'm also worried about my best friend who's being an emotional ping pong ball. Sean, Peter, Peter, Sean... Emma: I'm not! I'm with Peter 100%. I just want to make sure Sean's okay, okay? Manny: Okay. Forget I asked. At the court hearing Emma: Excuse me. I'm looking for Sean Cameron's hearing, courtroom H- Sean: Emma. Emma: Sean. You look terrible. Sean: Uh I uh, I tripped. Fell. It doesn't matter. It's good to see you. (Emma gives him a hug.) Sean: Ah, vanilla. I miss that smell. Jay said you weren't coming. Emma: I wasn't going to um, but I thought you could use a friend. Outside the courtroom Emma: That was fast. Sean: My public defender didn't show. He's got a backload of charity cases just like mine and unless I can get some money for a real lawyer, I'm screwed. Emma: What can I do? Sean: Nothing! Just tell me one thing. Tell me you're not still with Peter. Emma: Of course. He's my boyfriend. Sean: That guy is slime. He planted those drugs in my locker. Emma: I asked him and he said he didn't do that. Sean: Oh whatever. If, if you don't believe me, then why are you even here? Emma: Because right or wrong, you need help and I'm gonna help you Sean. At Degrassi, Emma knocks on Mr. Simpson's door Mr. Simpson: Emma where were you? You missed homeroom. Emma: Yes and I can explain that, but listen to this first. What if Jack moved in with you and mom and Manny and I take Jack's room. That way we can rent out the basement. Mr. Simpson: Oh. Uh as much as I relish the idea of sharing a room with a three year old...what's this all about? Emma: I saw Sean today at the courthouse. Hence why I missed homeroom. Snake it's bad. He really needs help and he's got no one. Mr. Simpson: Jay told me. Look I'm glad you're taking up his cause, but what Sean really needs right now is a good lawyer and they cost big money. More than the peanuts we'll earn renting out a leaky basement. Emma: Okay. Idea number 2. Fundraiser. Mr. Simpson: There's lots of competition out there for the charity dollar, but uh you'll figure out something. You always do. [SCENE_BREAK] At the newspaper office, Ellie is looking at her new assignment excitedly Ellie: Toronto Music Week Showcase. How did I get that? Nina: It's Fall again. School starts, the leaves change colours and Jesse gets it on with a nubile, eager Frosh. Eric: You should talk...Miss 2005. (They leave laughing and Ellie looks upset.) At Emma's locker, Emma opens it up and finds a beautiful mask Peter: Surprise. A mask befitting a true queen. Emma: I was going to go with paper mache, but this is really wow! Peter: I wanted you to realize you deserve better than paper mache. Emma: That's sweet. Thank you. Peter: What are the tickets for? Emma: Oh just a little raffle to make the dance more interesting. Peter: Count me in. I got gambling in my blood. (Peter kisses her goodbye.) At Marco, Dylan and Ellie's, Ellie is cooking a big meal Marco: Wow. I can feel my overpriced designer jeans not fitting as we speak. Ellie: Don't get used to it. I only cook when I'm majorly stressed. Marco: Well we should stress you out more often. (Dylan tastes the food before leaving.) Dylan: I think your designer jeans are safe. Marco: Okay lay it on me. I can handle it. Ellie: Jesse cut my article. Then he asked me out on a date and kissed me. Well he tried to. Marco: Okay those are some tall, dark, handsome problems that you got there. Ellie: Yeah and then he gave me this plum music assignment and suddenly I'm like the new Core tramp. Marco: So you got to choose. Ellie, self-respect or Jesse. It sounds like a pretty easy call. Ellie: Marco you saw him, right? It is not an easy call. Marco: Yeah I know, but you know just remember that the Devil's not ugly, okay? I mean the Devil is cute. Way cute. I'm talking Brad Pitt cute. (Ellie looks at him hesitantly.) Marco: Don't sell out for just some pretty face. Ellie: Thank you father Marco. In the newspaper office Jesse: Yo Frosh. We're gonna be late. (Ellie doesn't go with him.) Jesse: What? Ellie: Sorry, um I can't. Jesse: Yeah I know how trying free rock concerts can be. Ellie: Actually I'm more interested in intramural water polo finals. Eric: Swapsies? That's so rad! Jesse: So you're turning down the assignment? Ellie: Well look how happy it's made Eric! (Jesse leaves upset.) Ellie: Goody. At the dance Emma: Toby! $2 each, 3 for $5. 50/50. Toby: And the other 50 goes to? Emma: A friend of ours is in jail. I'm trying to help get him out. Toby: You're taking out money for Sean without council's approval? And what does Ms. H say? Emma: Shh! Ms. H doesn't know. Manny: What are those for? Emma: Nothing. Toby: Sean's defence fund. Emma: Thanks Dr. Dork-wad. You're wanted in the O.R. Manny: Does gorilla man, AKA Peter in a lame costume, know you're selling tickets and collecting money for his arch nemesis. Emma: No and he's not going to. Manny: Look I know my advice isn't always Dr. Phil solid, and what's happening to Sean isn't fair, but babe you got to let him go. Emma: Manny I can't help it. Sean is in here. (She puts her hand over her heart.) Emma: But I can't. I can't feel this way! When I was in the hospital, who was there holding my hand? Peter and just look at this gorgeous mask. Peter bought it for me as a surprise. He left it for me in my locker. Manny: Your locker? He has your combo? Emma: No. Manny: Then how'd he get in? In the hallway, Emma slams Peter up against the lockers Peter: Ow. Someone spike the punch or something? Emma: Open my locker or I tell your mom you're here. Peter: Okay fine. Give me the combination. Emma: I thought you knew it. Peter: I wrote it down. Emma: From where? Peter: My mom has them in her office. Emma: Peter did you break into Sean's locker and plant the pot the same way you broke into mine? Peter: Okay Sean is a loser. He always has been and he always will be. Emma: Answer the question. Peter: Well what do you want me to say? Emma: The truth! Peter: Everything I did, I did to keep us together, alright? Sean is scum. He deserved what happened to him. Emma: When you see me in class, don't look at me. When you pass me in the hall, don't talk to me because you and me are done! (Emma storms away and Ms. Hatzilakos walks over.) Ms. Hatzilakos: Peter Michael, do the words 'house arrest' mean nothing to you?! In the newspaper office Jesse: A whole piece on water polo without at least one reference to Speedos...and you call yourself a journalist. Ellie: Rookie reporter mistake. Jesse: Look I didn't give you the music piece to get into your pants. I gave it to you because you love music and everyone else is busy. Ellie: Great. Jesse: You're a good writer Frosh. Not my fault you also happen to be cute. Not gonna apologize for liking you...and you? (Ellie walks over and kisses him.) Ellie: Guess you're alright, but one question. What are we gonna tell everyone? And don't call me Frosh! Jesse: It'll be our little secret, Ellie. In the jail's visiting room Emma: So the bad news is that I only raised $243. Sean: I'm gonna be in jail forever. I'm sorry about what happened...with Peter, I mean. It sounds brutal. Emma: No I'm sorry for being so blind. I should never have believed him. Sean: It's alright. So what's the good news? Besides you being here. Emma: Snake is finding you a public defender. A good one. One with time to work on your case. (A guard knocks on the glass and points to his watch.) Sean: Visiting hours are almost over. Emma: I got you something. (She hands him a bottle of vanilla shampoo.) Sean: Vanilla honey shampoo. Emma: Thought it was the next best thing to actually being with me. Sean: Nothing could replace the real thing. Scenes for next week Voiceover: On a new episode of Degrassi, things may not be so perfect for the perfect couple. Jimmy: I'm a virgin. Do you get it? I can't walk. I can't run. I can't even make love to you. Ashley: There are a lot of ways to make love. Jimmy: I was into it, she was into it. We were in the moment and uh... Jimmy: (Speaking to Ashley) There's nothing you can do. You should probably just go. (Ashley leaves.) Jimmy: I just don't want to be a virgin for the rest of my life.	Plan: A: Jay's pleas; Q: What is the reason Emma visits Sean in jail? A: a lot; Q: How much pain is Sean in? A: Ellie; Q: Who is devastated to discover that her first newspaper article has been rejected? A: the first newspaper article; Q: What has Ellie written been rejected? Summary: Due to Jay's pleas, Emma visits Sean in jail where she realizes that he is in a lot of pain and does everything she can to help him out. Meanwhile, Ellie is devastated to discover that the first newspaper article she has written has been rejected.
THE YEAR 2030 INT. LIVING ROOM (Daughter and Son sitting on couch) Future Ted: Kids, this is a Thanksgiving story. (exterior shots of New York City) Future Ted VO: Thanksgiving in New York is a wonderful time. It's a time for giving of yourself, for thinking of your fellow man, a time when the unforgiving city becomes a little kinder. INT. APARTMENT (Robin and Ted sit on couch, Lily enters from bathroom) Lily: Well, I just ralphed. Robin: How much did you guys drink last night? Ted: Not how much? What. (flashback to Ted, Barney, Lily and Marshall at MacLaren's sitting at booth) Barney: The Thankstini. A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner. (Barney puts bouillon cube in each of their drinks, Marshall drinks his Thankstini) Marshall: It's like Thanksgiving in my mouth. (back to present scene) Ted: You want a good holiday drink, try his Kwanzaapolitan. (horn honks, Marshall runs out from his bedroom and looks out the window) Marshall: The shuttle's here! (Marshall runs back into his bedroom) Lily: He hasn't been back home to Minnesota since Christmas. He's a little excited. (Marshall runs into living room area) Marshall: Baby, we're holding up the shuttle, do you have everything you need? Toothbrush, pajamas, underpants. Underpants. (Marshall runs back into his bedroom, Lily gets up to get ready to go) Ted: So, Lil, Marshall's family. Whole weekend with the future in-laws, you excited? Lily: Yeah, no, it'll be fun. Robin: Lily, you just said, "yeah, no." Lily: Did I? No, I, I love Marshall's family. Robin, Ted: Oh. Lily: But, yeah, no, it'll be great. Ted: You just did it again. Lily: Yeah, no, shut up. Robin: Wait, so you're not going home for Thanksgiving. Ted: No, I have to work on Friday. You? Robin: I'm Canadian, remember? We celebrate Thanksgiving in October. Ted: Oh, right, I forgot you guys are weird. You pronounce the word out, "oat" Robin: You guys are the world's leader in handgun violence, your healthcare system is bankrupt and your country is deeply divided on almost every important issue. Ted: Your cops are called Mounties. Robin: So, probably hanging out with Barney then? Ted: No, Barney's got his own Thanksgiving tradition. (flashback to Ted, Barney, Lily and Marshall sitting at booth at MacLaren's) Barney: Thanksgiving in a strip club, who's in? The Lusty Leopard has a surprisingly good Thanksgiving buffet. Plus, they do this thing. Heather dresses up as a pilgrim and Misty dresses up as an Indian, and they share a meal. Lily: Oh, Barney. Barney: I'm sorry, Native American. (back to present scene) Ted: I think I'm gonna go to a homeless shelter, serve food. Robin: That's awesome. Ted: Yeah, I thought I'd just spend the day giving back, you know, doing some good. Barney: Canceling out Barney. Ted: Exactly. (Marshall runs into the living room) Marshall: Where are all my underpants? Lily: Did you check your suitcase? (Marshall checks his suitcase, gives a thumbs-up) Marshall: Let's go. Future Ted VO: And go they went, all the way to St. Cloud, Minnesota, Marshall's hometown. And as Lily stepped into her fiance's boyhood home, she received a big welcome. INT. ERICKSEN HOME (Marshall opens door and Marshall and Lily walk in to the kitchen) Marshall: Hello, we're home! (tall Ericksens come in to the kitchen to greet Marshall and Lily) Future Ted VO: A very big welcome. You see, at 6'4", Marshall was the runt of the Ericksen clan. Lily: Wow, I forgot how tall you guys are. (Mr. Ericksen walks in and stands in doorway) Mr. Ericksen: Where's my almost daughter-in-law? Lily: Here I am. (Lily raises her hand) (Mr. Ericksen hugs Lily) Mr. Ericksen: You got yourself a great little bride here, son. (Mr. Ericksen pushes Lily aside and goes over to Marshall) Mr. Ericksen: All right now, no farting around. Put your skates and your pads on, boys. Game on in five minutes. Lily: You're gonna go play hockey? (Mr. Ericksen tosses a basketball to Marcus) Lily: With a basketball? Mr. Ericksen: Well, it's a combination of the two. We call it baskiceball. (Marcus passes the basketball to Marshall and Marshall spins it on his finger) Marshall: We invented it. It's the most dangerous and awesome sport in the world. Lily: Baskiceball? Not iceketball? Mr. Ericksen: Iceketball? Just sounds weird. Ericksens: Yeah. (Marshall passes ball back to Marcus) Marcus: It's baskiceball, OK? And I'm the best. (Marcus tossess ball to Lily) Marshall: You wish. Lily: Oh, well maybe that's just 'cause you haven't seen me play. (Lily throws ball to Marcus who throws it to Marshall) Marshall: I don't know honey, it's not really a sport for a girl. Lily: Well, that's funny because your brother throws like a girl. (Lily takes ball from Marshall and throws it to Marcus, Marcus throws it back at Lily and hits her in the head and she falls back) Mrs. Ericksen: (quietly) Marcus! INT. HOMELESS SHELTER KITCHEN (Robin and Ted enter, lots of volunteers bustling around) Robin: This is gonna be great. Ted: I know. I'm so psyched we did this. Look at all these people, giving up their Thanksgiving to help their fellow man. These have got to be the best people in New York. (Barney enters kitchen from dining area singing) Barney: Excuse me, guys. Coming through. Ted: Barney? Barney: Well, hi guys. Ted: What are you doing here? Barney: Oh, just the Lord's work. Ted: But you're Satan. Barney: Guys, OK, look, I don't advertise it, but I volunteer here. I think it's important to help the less fortunate. I'm the Angelina Jolie of incredibly hot guys. Robin: This is a joke, right? You don't actually volunteer here. Kendall: Barney, we need you out front. There is a logjam on the stuffing line. Can you show them how it's done? Barney: I'm on it. Ted: Wait, so, this is real. Barney does this? Kendall: Every Sunday, all year long. He's our best volunteer Barney: That's because I was trained by the best, Kendall. Ted: Anyway, uh, we're psyched to be here, Kendall. What do you need us to do? Kendall: Go home, we're full. Robin: What? Ted: We're volunteers, we're unpaid help. Can you really ever have enough unpaid help? Kendall: On the biggest volunteer day of the year, yeah, you can. Robin: Come on, we just wanna help out. Barney: Kendall, they're cool. Kendall: Fine, but I'm not promising anything. Wait here, we'll let you know if we need you. Barney: OK, well, I better get out there. There's a lot of food to give out. And a lot of smiles. (Barney goes back out to dining area, Ted and Robin look at Barney with mouths agape) INT. ERICKSEN'S KITCHEN (Ericksen women preparing Thanksgiving dinner) Mrs. Ericksen: Oh, I almost forgot. I know it's early but you are a future Mrs. Ericksen. (Mrs. Ericksen puts a "Mrs. Ericksen" apron on Lily) Lily: Thank you. It'll go great with my...I just love it. Mrs. Ericksen: OK, Lily, we're putting you on salad duty. Lily: Oh, I make this great frisee and endive salad with a coriander lime vinaigrette. Pregnant Mrs. Ericksen: But this is an American holiday. Mrs. Ericksen: Now that you're going to be a Mrs. Ericksen, I'm going to let you in on a secret recipe. The Ericksen family seven-layer salad. Lily: Seven-layer salad? (Mrs. Ericksen hands Lily paper with recipe on it) Lily: Six cups of mayonnaise? That can't be right. Mrs. Ericksen: Oh no, dear, sixteen cups. (Mrs. Ericksen places a large glass cylinder next to Lily) Mrs. Ericksen: Mayo's in that cabinet. (Lily goes over to cabinet to get mayo, Marshall comes in through front door limping) Marshall: Oh my God, there is some serious baskiceball going on out there. Dad totally nailed Marcus in the face with a snowball, which is a foul because you only get one snowball per possession, so I nailed him in the shin with my skate and I totally dunked it. (Mr. Ericksen and Marvin enter) Mr. Ericksen: Yeah, you were sitting pretty until I whacked you with that mallet. Mr. Ericksen: (to Mrs. Ericksen) Hey Gorgeous! Marshall: You having fun? Lily: Yeah, but I kinda miss you. Could you stay in here for a little bit? Marshall: Yeah, yeah yeah, no problem, it's halftime. Mr. Ericksen: Oh, halftime's over. Get yours butts out here, come on. Marvin: And I hope you like the taste of stick, dorko. Lily: Go. Marshall: Thanks baby. (Marshall hugs Lily) Marshall: Oh, isn't this great? Can't you see why everybody from my high school stays in this town? (Marshall heads out the door) Marshall: Hey Marvin, you're the dorko, dorko! (Lily scoops out a lot of mayo) INT. HOMELESS SHELTER KITCHEN (Barney talking to Ted and Robin) Barney: Man, it's amazing out there. I've done so much good today, I've got like a soul boner. And the way the faces of the less fortunate light up when you give them a hot, nutritious meal, is there a better feeling on earth? Robin: Yesterday you said the best feeling on earth was getting your toes sucked. Then you requested a high-five with your foot. Ted: Hey, Barn? What do you say you let us sub in for you, scoop stuffing for a little bit? Barney: (laughs) You wanna scoop stuffing your first day out? Hello, NFL, can I be quarterback this Sunday? Dude. (Barney walks away) INT. ERICKSEN KITCHEN (Ericksen women preparing Thanksgiving dinner) Lily: OK, I finished the gummy bear layer of the salad. What's next? (Lily looks at recipe) Lily: Potato chips. Mrs. Ericksen: So, Lily, when are you gonna start thinking about having a baby? (Lily drops some potato chips) Lily: Baby? Uh, you know, I hadn't really thought about it at all. Future Ted VO: Actually Aunt Lily was lying. It'd been all she'd been thinking about. You see, remember when she said... (flashback to Lily coming in to living room from bathroom) Lily: Well, I just ralphed. (back to present scene) Future Ted VO: At that point she was five days late. This was day six. Lily: Yeah, I mean, I'm way too young to have a baby, right? Mrs. Ericksen: Oh, are you kidding? I was younger than you when I had Marcus. Beautiful 15 pound boy. Not much bigger than this turkey right here. (Mrs. Ericksen puts turkey on counter) Lily: (staring at turkey) Oh my. (back from commercial break) Future Ted VO: Now if Lily was already uneasy about joining the Ericksen family, imagine how she felt about possibly having a 15-pound Ericksen growing inside of her. Lily: That's a big baby, Judy. Mrs. Ericksen: The doctor thought he was twins. Lily: (laughs nervously) Twins. Twins! INT. HOMELESS SHELTER KITCHEN (Ted and Robin talking) Ted: This is crazy. When did it get so hard to do charity work? Robin: I do charity work all the time. Remember when I said I'd find you a girlfriend. Ted: Ha ha. Delightful. How is that little project coming along anyway? Robin: I'm working on it. I'm gonna introduce you to that girl you've been staring at. Ted: What? That's crazy, I haven't been staring at any girl... (Robin walks over to girl) Robin: Have you met Ted? (Ted goes over to shake her hand) Ted: Hi, I'm the aforementioned Ted, and this is... (Ted looks around for Robin to introduce her and notices she's walked away) Ted:... gone. Amanda: I'm Amanda. Ted: Hi. Amanda: So, what do you do here, Ted? Ted: Well, I've been...nothing. I do nothing. Amanda: If you want to do something, you and your girlfriend can help sort through these donations. (Robin walks back over) Robin: Oh, um, I'm not his girlfriend. I used to be but, um, I just wasn't enough woman for Ted, emotionally or sexually. Oh my God. Ted: So, Amanda, what do you need us to do? Amanda: OK, this is important. Go through all these boxes of food donations, take out the really good stuff and put it into this box. Ted: Got it. Consider it sorted. (Amanda walks away) Robin: Hey, we're in business. Ted: Hey, Barney's not gonna get all the glory today. (Ted moves some boxes which uncovers framed photo of Barney as "volunteer of the year", Ted puts boxes back to cover photo) Ted: Let's start with this one. Robin: Yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ERICKSEN DINING AREA (Ericksen join hands in prayer) Mr. Ericksen: Amen. Ericksens: Amen. (Pregnant Mrs. Ericksen comes in carrying baby boy) Pregnant Mrs. Ericksen: Look who came to say good-night. It's little Martin. Three-months old. Lily: Three months! Three months? Marshall: He's been drinking his milk. (Ericksens lift up their large glasses of milk) Ericksens: Here here. Lily: And she's already pregnant again. Mr. Ericksen: Well, that's 'cause those Ericksen boy's boys can swim. They've got two tails and a drill bit for a head. Marshall: Dad, you're embarrassing me. Mr. Ericksen: Ah, son, she's cool. She's gonna be an Ericksen. Lily: Yeah, well, well, not literally because, you know, I'm keeping my name. Mrs. Ericksen: But the apron. Marshall: Well, we haven't actually decided anything yet so... Lily: No, I've decided and I'm keeping my own name. Mr. Ericksen: But Ericksen is a great last name. People know the Ericksen's. Lily: Oh, sure, in St. Cloud but our kids aren't gonna be growing up in St. Cloud. Right, baby? Marshall: Why not St. Cloud? I mean, I loved growing up St. Cloud. St. Cloud is a great place to have a childhood. Lily: Oh, so is New York. (Ericksens laugh) Lily: What? It is. And we grew up just fine. And we grew to the proper size and then we stopped. (Lily looks at Marcus to her left and Marcus stops smiling) INT. HOMELESS SHELTER KITCHEN (Ted, Robin and Amanda sort through food donations) Ted: Hey, Amanda, what's this box for? Amanda: Oh, that's for me. You can put it in my car. Ted: In your car, um, then you'll take it... Amanda: Home? We get so much extra food, no one can eat it all. Oh, Truffle oil. Score. Ted: People donated this food thinking it was going to feed the hungry. Amanda: I know, and I'm starving. INT. ERICKSEN DINING ROOM (Ericksens around table having Thanksgiving dinner) Lily: But, Marshall, you love New York. Marshall: Yes, I do. But you always said that when we had kids, you wanted to move out of Manhattan. Lily: Yeah, to Brooklyn. Marshall: Why are we even talking about this? This is way down the road. Future Ted VO: But Lily knew way down the road might not be so far down the road. Lily: I need to go to the restroom. (Lily gets up from table and goes out the door) Marshall: Lily, the restroom's the other way. Future Ted VO: So she headed down the road. Marshall: Lily. (sound of car starting outside) Marshall: Lily! (car drives down road) INT. HOMELESS SHELTER KITCHEN (Barney, Ted and Robin talking by where food donations are) Barney: So, wait, not only have you not done any good for anyone today, you're actually helping someone steal from the homeless. You know, Ted, it's called Thanksgiving, not Thankstaking. Damn. Kendall: Barney, you need me to sign your time sheet, right? Barney: Yeah, Right. Thanks. (Barney gets paper out of his pocket and gives it to Kendall, Ted and Robin look at each other) Ted: Barney. Barney: Yeah, what's up? Ted: You have a time sheet. No one else has a time sheet. Barney: Yeah, so. (Kendall gives paper back to Barney) Ted: All right, let me see that. (Ted grabs paper away from Barney) Barney: That's my private personal business! Ted: Court-mandated community service. Oh my God, you're on probation? What did you do? Barney: That's my private personal business. (flashback to urinating against a wall in an alley, police siren and lights approach, Barney turns around, zips up his pants and runs away) (back to present scene) Barney: I was unfairly punished because the wall belonged to the judge's church. Ted: You peed on a church? Barney: I peed in an alley which happened to have a church which I did not see because I was drunk. Ted: Oh, you are evil. Robin: Now, all's right with the world again. Barney: OK, fine, so a judge is making me do this but I'm still doing it, and kicking ass at it, BTW. (Barney points to his "volunteer of the year" picture and poses like his picture) Barney: When's the last time either of you did any good? Huh? (Ted grabs a bag of Portobello mushrooms and walks over to Kendall) Ted: Kendall, ah, Kendall, Amanda is stealing Portobello mushrooms from homeless people. Kendall: Amanda! I called dibs on the Portobello mushrooms. (Amanda smiles and shrugs) Ted: Those are for the hungry. Kendall: I know, and I'm starving. (Kendall and Amanda laugh; Ted grabs mushrooms from Kendall and runs out to dining area and Kendall chases after him) Amanda: Those are good mushrooms! INT. HOMELESS SHELTER DINING AREA (Ted runs in with mushrooms and starts throwing them towards people) Ted: Mushrooms. Mushrooms. Portobello mushrooms for everybody! Take them and run! They're very expensive! INT. CONVENIENCE STORE (Lily pays for something, clerk takes money and makes change and gives it to Lily) Clerk: Happy Thanksgiving. Lily: Happy Thanksgiving. As in check out the chick buying the knock-up test everybody, wonder what must be going through her head. Yeah, well, since you asked, a family of mayonnaise-guzzling giants is trying to suck me into their suburban nightmare. And there's a solid chance that I have an Ericksen the size of a 15-pound turkey growing inside of me. Clerk: You know the Ericksen's? Marshall's fiancé. Lily: Fantastic. Clerk: So nice to meet you. You are taller than described. Lily: I'm sorry I just yelled at you. You mind if I use your bathroom? Clerk: Don't have one. Lily: So what do you do when you have to...? Clerk: I hold it. (Clerk takes sip from his drink, Lily walks out of store) EXT. STREET (Ted and Robin sit on curb) Ted: You can't fire a volunteer. Robin: Apparently you can. And his two non-mushroom-throwing friends. (Barney walks over to Robin and Ted) Barney: I can't believe that I told Kendall you guys were cool. I had 40 hours left on my community service and now I've got to spend it spearing trash on a freaking median strip. (Barney picks up his "volunteer of the year" poster and holds it in front of him) Barney: Volunteer of the year! Ted: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. OK, look, if there's anything I can do to make it up to you, just tell me, I'll do it. Barney: Ted, I'm glad you asked. INT. LUSTY LEOPARD (Dancer twirling around pole; Barney and Robin eating Thanksgiving dinner, Ted sitting with head in hands) Robin: Surprisingly good. Barney: Right? I told you so. Ted: Public urination. Who gets arrested for public urination? INT. ERICKSEN DINING ROOM (Marshall has his cell phone to his ear and puts it down to his chest) Marshall: Lily's been arrested. Judy: Oh dear, what for? Marshall: Public urination. INT. JAIL CELL (Lily sitting on cot, officer opens cell door to let Marshall in) Marshall: Thanks, Pete. Pete: No problemo Marsh. Marshall: You all right? Lily: No. I embarrassed myself in front of your family and now I'm celebrating Thanksgiving in probably the most depressing place ever. INT. LUSTY LEOPARD (Dancer takes money from Barney's mouth INT. JAIL CELL (Marshall and Lily talking) Marshall: Well, I'm glad that you're safe. Hey, weird question, why did you drive three miles down Route 23 and take a pee behind a convenience store? Lily: OK, I'll tell you but before I do, promise me that we are not gonna move to St. Cloud, Minnesota, promise. Marshall: Look, I'm not suggesting that we move here tomorrow. I'm just... Lily: Just promise. Marshall: Why do you want me to promise you that? (Lily stands up) Lily: Because I don't fit in here. I'm not eight feet tall and I don't think you can call it a salad if it has Funyuns in it. Marshall: I'm Funyuns and mayonnaise and gummy bears and baskiceball and I love St. Cloud. And yes, there is a part of me that would like to move here someday, and why are we having this discussion in a jail cell on Thanksgiving? (Pete walks into cell with a bag of Lily's things) Pete: OK, personal effects, one wallet, one cell phone, one pregnancy test. (Lily takes bag with pregnancy test from Pete, Pete walks out of cell) Lily: Pete arrested me before I could look at it. (Lily sits down, Marshall sits down next to Lily) Marshall: Whoa. Lily: Yeah. Marshall: Lily, we can't let our kids play baskiceball. Baskiceball is really dangerous. Lily: Yeah, what are the rules to that game, anyway? Marshall: There are no rules, we just wail on each other. (Lily leans on Marshall and grabs his arm, Marshall puts his hand over Lily's) Marshall: Look, I don't wanna be exactly like my family, and don't take this the wrong way, but I don't wanna be exactly like your family either. (Lily shakes her head) Marshall: We'll be our own family, and we'll find our own way to freak out the people our kids bring home. (Lily smiles and wipes a tear away) Lily: Great, now I'm crying. Look, we may have some really big decisions to make in about 10 seconds but right now, I don't care where our kids grow up as long as they have you for a father. (Lily leans into Marshall's open arm, Marshall kisses Lily on the top of her head) Lily: Gosh, I hope you're the father. Just a little joke to lighten up the mood. Marshall: What does it say? Lily: I'm afraid to look. Pete: (yelling from outside cell) It's negative. Lily: Thank God. (Lily and Marshall hug) Lily: (to Pete) And hey! INT. LUSTY LEOPARD (Robin and Ted talking) Robin: Ted. Are you listening? You're a good guy. Ted: You wanna know why I have to work tomorrow? My firm's designing an executive lounge for a tobacco company. In the fight against cancer, I'm on the side of cancer. (Barney walks over to Ted and Robin, homeless guy follows him) Barney: OK, Ted, I found a way for you to help someone, to do some good. This is Walter, and Walter is homeless. And Walter would like a lap dance. Ted: Are you joking? Barney: I never joke about the sublime art of burlesque entertainment. Ted: No, Barney, that's insane. Sir, would you like me to buy you a ticket to the buffet. Walter: No, I'm stuffed. Just a lap dance would be fine. Barney: Ted, Walter's been to three shelter dinners. You know where he hasn't been? To heaven with Samantha. Look, it's the one chance you've had all day to help someone in need. Now buy this man a lap dance. Robin: You said you wanted to see the joy in someone's eyes. Ted: You know, I don't think I'm gonna watch. Ted: Here you go, Walter. Happy Thanksgiving. (Ted gives money to dancer) Walter: Thank you so much. No really, thank you. Ted: Happy Thanksgiving, guys. Robin: Thanksgiving in November. Weird. (scenes of Ericksen Thanksgiving dinner and Ted, Robin and Barney's Thanksgiving at the Lusty Leopard) Future Ted VO: So that was Thanksgiving 2005. To be honest, it didn't go great. But like has plenty of good parts. It's the rough parts that make you thankful that you have people to share it with. INT. LUSTY LEOPARD (Ted at buffet line, dancer approaches him) Dancer: Hey, I saw what you did for that guy? It was really sweet. Do you wanna dance? Ted: Uh, no thanks. You want some yams? Dancer: No thanks. I'm Amber. (Dancer extends her hand out, Ted shakes it) Ted: I'm Ted. Dancer: Actually, I'm Tracy. Ted: Still Ted. Future Ted VO: And that, kids, is the true story of how I met your mother. INT. LIVING ROOM (Year 2030, Daughter and Son sit on couch, sit up suddenly) Daughter, Son: What?! Future Ted: I'm kidding. (Kids relax on couch again)	Plan: A: Lily; Q: Who feels out of place with Marshall's family? A: the former's family; Q: Who do Marshall and Lily visit in Minnesota for Thanksgiving? A: the large, loud, and rambunctious family; Q: What does Lily dislike about Marshall's family? A: Barney; Q: Who is the Volunteer of the Year at a local soup kitchen? A: unethical acts; Q: What does Ted uncover at the soup kitchen? A: the charity; Q: What is Ted surprised to discover unethical acts taking place behind the scenes of? Summary: Marshall and Lily visit the former's family in Minnesota for Thanksgiving, but Lily feels out of place with the large, loud, and rambunctious family. Meanwhile, Robin and Ted are surprised to find Barney as the Volunteer of the Year at a local soup kitchen. Ted is even more surprised as he begins to uncover unethical acts taking place behind the scenes of the charity.
[Scene: Central Perk, the gang, except Rachel, is watching a new singer.] Singer: (singing) 'Cause every time I see your face, I can't help but fall from grace. I know..... Joey: Wow! This girl is good. Phoebe: Oh-ho yeah! A song with rhyming words. Oo, I never thought of that before. Chandler: I like her. Phoebe: (to Chandler) Why? Because she can sing and play guitar and do both at the same time? Chandler: Well, that's pretty much all I'm looking for from these people. Monica: (to Phoebe) Look at you. All jealous. Ross: Yeah Pheebs, come on, you two have completely different styles. Y'know, she's more..(shakes his shoulders, like he's dancing) y'know, and you're more (sees the look from Phoebe and stops) Singer: (singing) beside meeeee-eeee-ee. (everyone applauds her). Phoebe: Okay, see, see, everyone else is happy she's done. Singer: Okay, my next song's called: Phoebe Buffay, What Can I Say. I Really Loved When We Were Singing Partners, And I Shouldn't Have Left You That Way. (The gang all looks at Phoebe.) Phoebe: Oh no, one of those 'look for the hidden meaning' songs. Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk, later.] Singer: Hey Phoebe. Phoebe: Hey Leslie, how'd you know I'd be here? Leslie: I ran into Vlad at the place where they sell the big fish, and he said you played here a lot, so umm.... Chandler: (to Ross) All right listen, I have to go to the bathroom, but if the place with the big fish comes up again. I'd like know whether that's several big fish or just one big fish. Joey: (to Leslie) So ah, Phoebe tells us you write jingles. Phoebe: Actually I said she abandoned me to write jingles. Joey: (to Leslie) Ah, anything we might of heard of? Leslie: Ah, yeah, umm. (singing) Home is never far away.. Monica, Ross, and Joey: (joining in) Home is Home Star stew. Leslie: Yeah, but, I don't do that anymore. I got kinda sick of it, and then I couldn't come up with anything good, so they fired me. Phoebe: Hmm, bummer. Leslie: Well, I y'know, I was just, umm, I was just thinking and hoping, that umm, maybe you'd want to get back together? Phoebe: No. But thanks. Leslie: Aw come on Phoebe would you just think about it? Phoebe: Okay. No. But thanks. Leslie: Okay, ah, see ya Pheebs. (leaves) Joey: (to Phoebe) Wow, that was kinda brutal. Phoebe: Well okay, let this be a lesson to all of you, all right. Once you, once you betray me, I become like the ice woman, y'know. Very cold, hard, unyielding, y'know nothing, nothing can penetrate this icy exterior. (to Monica) Can I have a tissue, please? Monica: Yeah, sure. [Scene: Outside the bathroom, Chandler is pacing back and fourth, waiting is use it.] Gunther: (to Chandler) Someone in there? Chandler: No. This is just part of a dare devil game that I play called 'wait until the last moment before I burst and die.' (The door opens.) Chandler: Jeez, man did you fall..(sees it's a beautiful woman coming out of the men's room) Hi! So ah, did ya, did-did-did ya fall high? Woman: Someone was in the lady's room, I couldn't wait. I left the lid up for ya though. (Gunther walks up) Chandler: (to Gunther) Y'know what Gunther, go ah, go ahead, I'm-I'm talking to ah, (tries to get her to say her name). (to her) This is the part where you say your name. Woman: Ginger. Chandler: Ginger. I'm talking to Ginger, so.... Ginger: Don't you have to use the bathroom? Chandler: Nope, nope, I'd just ah, I'd rather talk to you. (pause) Yes, I do. Yes, I do have to go to the bathroom. (knocks on the door) Gunther: Someone in here. [Scene: Central Perk, the gang's putting their coats on to leave.] Phoebe: Where's Chandler? Joey: Ah, he can't make it, he said he had to his... (sees Ginger) Whoa-oh! (hides behind the coat rack.) Ginger: Joey? Joey Tribbiani? (She walks over behind the coat rack, but Joey picks it up and moves it so that he's still behind it, and she can't see him.) Ginger: Joey I can see you okay? You're hiding behind the coats. (Joey puts his finger over his mouth to tell Ross to keep quiet. Ginger looks at Monica who looks away and leave.) Joey: Phew, close one. [Scene: Rachel's office, Mark is packing his stuff into a box.] Ross: Hi. Rachel: Hi, sweetie! Ross: Hello. Mark: Hi, Ross. Ross: Yeah, huh. Rachel: I've got some bad news. Ross: What? Rachel: I can get a quick bite to eat, but then I have to come back up here. Ross: Come on sweetie! You've had to work late every night for the past two weeks, what is it this time? Mark: Actually, it's kinda my fault. I-I quit today. Ross: (to Rachel) But work comes first! (to Mark) Oh hey, but that's sad about you though, what happened? Burn out? Burn all out, did ya? Rachel: Nooo, he's leaving for a better job. Ross: Oh well that's great, so I guess this is ah, this is good bye then. Huh? (picks a pad up off Rachel's desk and tosses it into his box) Good bye. Mark: Okay, then. Ross: Okay. Rachel: Well we're gonna miss you around here. Mark: Yeah, me too. (Rachel goes to hug him but Ross is holding one of her hands and doesn't let go, so she can only put one arm around him.) Mark: So, see ya on Saturday. Rachel: Yeah, you bet. (Ross is shocked, but Rachel drags him out of the office.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe and Monica are playing with a Ouija board, Phoebe's beeper goes off and Monica screams.] Phoebe: Oh. (takes her beeper puts in a pot, covers it, and puts the pot in the oven) Monica: Y'know those are a delicacy in India. Phoebe: Yeah, that was Leslie calling again to see if we can get back together. That's the twentieth time today! And good luck Leslie! Monica: Wow, she must have hurt you pretty bad, huh? Phoebe: Well, yeah. Y'know, we were best friends, ever since we were little, our Moms worked on the barge together. Monica: Oh, you two must have been so cute running around on a barge. Phoebe: You never run on a barge! Joey: (entering) Hey. Phoebe and Monica: Hey. Joey: Is ah, is Chandler around? Monica: No, umm, he met some girl at the coffee house. Joey: Oooh. Monica: Yeah, Ginger something. Joey: Nooo. No, no, ah, are you sure it wasn't something that sounded like Ginger, like ah, Gingeer? Monica: No, it was Ginger. I remember, because when he told me, I said, (singing) 'the movie star.' Joey: Aww, man. That's the girl I was hiding from. When she finds out he's my roommate, she's gonna tell him what I did. Monica: Well, what did you do? Joey: What, oh, oh, oh, no, no, I can't, I can't tell you that, it's like the most awful, horrible thing I've ever done my whole life. Monica: Y'know what, don't tell us. We'll just wait until Chandler gets home, (to Phoebe) because it'll be more fun that way. Joey: All right!! Okay, it was like four years ago. Okay, Ginger and I had gone out a few times, and then this one weekend, we went up to her Dad's cabin. Just me, her, and her annoying little dog Pepper. Well that night, I cooked this really romantic dinner.... Monica: You gave her food poisoning!? Joey: I wish. No. After dinner, me, her, and Pepper all fell asleep in front of the fire. Well I woke up in the middle of the night and I saw that the fire was dying out. So, I picked up a log and threw it on. Or, at least what I thought was a log. Phoebe: Oh my God!! You threw Pepper on the fire! Joey: I wish. See, I guess another thing I probably should've told you about Ginger is that she kinda has a ah, artificial leg. (Phoebe and Monica both stand up and gasp.) Monica: Oh my God! Joey, what did you do after you threw her leg on the fire? Joey: I ran!! [Scene: A street, Chandler is kissing Ginger.] Chandler: Well, that's the best kiss I've had with anyone I've ever met in a men's room. Ginger: Actually, me too. Chandler: (sees her foot is in a slush puddle) Op, foot in a puddle, foot all in a puddle. Ginger: Oh damn, I hate that. Chandler: Yeah, we're gonna have to get you out of those shoes. Ginger: Oh, don't worry about it. Chandler: No, really you're gonna freeze. Ginger: No, I'm not. Chandler: You're not, what do you, what do you got a bionic foot? Ginger: Some day, maybe. [Scene: Ross's bedroom, Rachel getting into bed while Ross is reading and laughs.] Rachel: Funny book? Ross: Hmmm. Oh, no, no, I just thinking about something funny I heard today. Umm, Mark, Mark saying 'I'll see you Saturday.' Rachel: Yeah, at the lecture, I told you that last week, you said you didn't mind. Ross: Oh, no, no, no, it's-it's not the lecture ah, I mind, umm.... Rachel: Oh, please tell me it's not because I'm going with Mark. Ross: Oh, well... Rachel: Oh my God!!! Ross!! Ross: Well, I'm sorry, but ah, look if you're not working with him anymore, why do you have to still do stuff with him? Rachel: Because, he's my friend. Ross: Okay, but do you really need another friend? I mean... Rachel: Okay, well if I stop playing with Joey and Chandler, can I play with Mark? Ross: Is that funny? Am I supposed to be laughing? Rachel: I don't know, you thought 'See you Saturday' was funny. Look honey, Mark is in fashion okay, I like having a friend that I can share this stuff with. You guys would never want to go to a lecture with me. Ross: Pa-haa!! I would love to go with you. Rachel: Really!? Ross: Yeah, hey I-I have clothes, I even pick them out. I mean for, for all you know I could be a fashion..... monger. Rachel: Okay. Honey, I would love for you to go with me. (Ross has a worried look on his face) What? Ross: What should I wear, now I'm all nervous. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is looking at her beeper still in the pot. She takes it out, shakes it, and puts it back in.] Monica: Y'know they say a watched pot never beeps. Phoebe: It's just y'know, been a couple of hours, and she hasn't called. Not that I even care, y'know. Monica: Phoebe why don't you just call her? You obviously want to. Phoebe: You think you know me so well. Monica: Well, don't 'cha wanna? Phoebe: Yeah. Monica: Okay, well I do know you. Phoebe: That's what I said. Monica: Well so? Phoebe: I can't. I can't. She dumped me, I mean I totally trusted her and then one day it was 'Okay, bye Pheebs' gone. Y'know what the saddest part is, when we were playing together, that was like the most fun I've ever had in like all my lives. [Scene: Central Perk, Leslie is singing.] Leslie: (singing) My best shoes, so good to me. I wear them everyday. Down at the heel, holes in the toes. Don't care what people say. My feet's best friends, pals to the end. With them I'm one hot chicky. Though late one night, not much light, I.... (Phoebe runs in and joins her.) Phoebe: (singing) I stepped in something icky. Phoebe and Leslie: (singing) Sticky shoes, sticky shoes, always make me smile. Sticky shoes, sticky shoes, next time I'll.... avoid the..... pillleeeee. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The lecture, Rachel is listening closely, Ross is bored out of his mind.] Lecturer: We're beginning to see a lot of layering of sheer fabrics and colours. For instance a sheer navy blouse over a pink.... Ross: (to Rachel) I'm really glad we came. (Rachel smiles and rubs his arm) You're so pretty. I love you. Rachel: Oh. (puts her hand over his mouth) [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is teaching Leslie how to sing Smelly Cat.] Phoebe: (singing) Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault. Leslie: Wow, that's great. Phoebe: Oh, yeah! Leslie: Y'know you could totally sell this. It'd be perfect for like umm, a kitty litter campaign. Phoebe: I..., a jingle? No, no-no-no, no. Leslie: What? Why not? You could make a ton of money. Phoebe: Okay, well if I was in this for the money, I'd be a millionaire by now, y'know. You just got to get out of that jingle head sweetie. Leslie: Aw, you're right, you're right. I'm sorry. Phoebe: That's okay. All right, I'm gonna play song that's really, really sad. It's called Magician Box Mix Up. (she turns her guitar upside down to play it.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The lecture, Ross is passed out against Rachel's shoulder.] Lecturer: ....oversized bracelets, oversized earrings, oversizing of accessories in general are very popular now. (Ross wakes up with a start and startles Rachel. The guy next to him starts laughing, which starts Ross laughing, Rachel gives him a look and he stops.) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is reading the newspaper.] Monica: (entering) Hi! Chandler: Hey. Monica: Oh, can I borrow this? (points to his milk) My milk's gone bad. Chandler: Oh, I hate that. I once had a thing of half and half, stole my car. Monica: So umm, how was your date with Ginger? Chandler: Great. It was great. She's ah, she's great, great looking, great personality, she's greatness. Monica: Sounds like she's got the ah, whole package. Chandler: Joey told you about the leg, huh? Monica: Uh-huh. Chandler: Oh God, it freaked me out. Okay, I know it shouldn't have, but it did. I mean I like her, I don't want to stop seeing her, but every so often it's like 'Hey, y'know what, where's your leg?' I mean I'm the smallest person in the world aren't I? I'm the smallest person in the world. Joey: (entering from his bedroom) Morning. Chandler: (to Monica) Actually he's the smallest person in the world. Joey: (to Chandler) Heard about the leg burnin' huh? Chandler: It came up. Joey: Listen, I ah, I know it's a longshot. But, by any chance did she find that funny? (Both Chandler and Monica walk away in disgust.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Rachel are getting back from the lecture.] Ross: (entering) So I nodded off a little. Rachel: Nodded off!! Ross you were snoring. My father's boat didn't make that much noise when it hit rocks! Ross: Come on! Forty-five minutes! Forty-five minutes the man talked about strappy backed dresses. Rachel: Well okay, how about four hours in a freezing museum auditorium listening to Professor Pitstains and he's 'Hey everybody! Remember that thing that's been dead for a gazillion years. Well there's this little bone we didn't know it had!' Ross: First of all it's Professor Pittain! And second of all, that little bone, proved that, that particular dinosaur had wings, but didn't fly. Rachel: Okay, see now, what I just heard: blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, blah, blah. Ross: Y'know what, 100 million people went to see a movie about what I do, I wonder how many people would go see a movie called, Jurassic Parka. Rachel: Oh, that is so... Ross: No-no-no, a bunch of out of control jackets take over an island. (Makes an unusual sound, then he realises that he still has his jacket on and quickly tries to shake it off, thinking it's alive and attacking him.) Rachel: Y'know if what I do is so lame, then why did you insist on coming with me this morning? Huh? Was it so I just wouldn't go with Mark? Ross: No. I... I wanted to be with you. I don't know, I feel like lately, I feel like you're slipping away from me, y'know. With this new job, and all these new people, and you've got this whole other life going on. I-I-I know it's dumb, but I hate that I'm not a part of it. Rachel: It's not dumb. But, maybe it's okay that you're not a part of it. Y'know what I mean? (Ross looks confused) I mean it's like, I-I-I like that you're not involved in that part of my life. Ross: That's a little clearer. Rachel: Honey see, it doesn't mean that I don't love you. Because I do. I love you, I love you so much. But my work it's-it's for me y'know, I'm out there, on my own, and I'm doing it and it's scary but I love it, because it's mine. I, but, I mean is that okay? Ross: Sure, I-I-I... (hugs her and mouths No!!) [Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler and Ginger are eating dinner.] Ginger: Your thinking about my leg aren't you? Chandler: No. No. Actually I forgot, what is the deal with that again? Ginger: It's okay if it bothers you. Really. I mean the only thing I need to know is: 'How much it bothers you?' because I don't like wasting my time. Am I wasting my time? Chandler: No. No. I don't think so. Ginger: Okay. It's just like anything else, you just have to get used to it. (They start making out. She opens his shirt and feels inside and stops.) Ginger: What's that? Chandler: That's-that's my nubbin. Ginger: What's a nubbin? Chandler: It's kinda a ah, a third nipple kinda thing. Ginger: You have three nipples? Chandler: Well, y'know two regulars. And ah one that barely qualifies as... (starts to kiss her again, but she gets up.) Ahh, what? Ginger: Nothing. I, I just remembered I have to leave. Chandler: You ah, you have, you have to leave, now? How come? Ginger: Ah well, it's nubbin. Nothing! Umm. Y'know what, I'll see you later. Okay. (She leaves and in the hall we see her shake her shoulders like when someone runs their fingernails across a blackboard.) [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is getting ready to sing as Leslie enters.] Phoebe: (to Leslie) Oh, I thought you weren't coming. What? Where were you? Leslie: Come here, come here. (they go to the side of the stage) Okay, don't get mad, okay. Phoebe: Okay, don't give me a reason to get mad, okay Leslie: I played Smelly Cat for the people at my old ad agency, they went nuts. Phoebe: No, look, I told you that I didn't want you to try and sell it, and you just, you big fat did it anyway. God, y'know what, I think five years ago I probably would've done anything to play with you but, I can do it by myself. And if I can't trust you then just forget it. Leslie: No, no, I don't want to forget it. Phoebe: Okay y'know what you have to choose. All right, if-if the most important thing on the planet to you is this cat poopy thing then, okay you can have Smelly Cat, but we won't be partners. So what's it gonna be? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Monica, and Joey are watching TV.] Commercial: (in the background their singing Smelly Cat) Problem odour in the litter box? Don't change your kitty, change your kitty litter. (Monica gets up and shuts off the TV.) Monica: Sorry, Pheebs. Joey: Yeah. You okay? Phoebe: Yeah. I actually am, yeah. Y'know life-life's gonna had you all kinds of stuff, y'know you learn your little lessons and hopefully you grow. Wanna hear a new song? Joey: Yeah. Monica: We'd love too. Phoebe: Okay. (singing) 'Jingle bitch screwed me over! Go to hell jingle whore! Go to hell Go to hell. Go to hell-hell-hell.' That's all I have so far. Closing Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the whole gang except Chandler is there.] Chandler: (entering, happily) Well hello! Joey: Where have you been? Chandler: The doctor. Ross: Is everything okay? Chandler: Oh yes! Just had me a little nubbin-ectomy. Yep! Two nipples, no waiting. Monica: Wow! It's like Rachel in High School. Rachel: What?!! Monica: Come on! Come on, I was kidding! It was such an obvious joke! Chandler: That was an obvious joke, and I didn't think of it. Why didn't I think of it? The source of all my powers. Oh dear God, what have I done!	Plan: A: Phoebe; Q: Who is reunited with her former singing partner Leslie? A: E.G. Daily; Q: Who is Leslie? A: cat food ad jingle; Q: What does Leslie think "Smelly Cat" could be used for? A: Sherilyn Fenn; Q: Who is the woman Chandler dates with a prosthetic leg? A: her artificial limb; Q: What did Joey accidentally throw into a fireplace? A: Ross; Q: Who accompanies Rachel to a fashion seminar? A: Rachel; Q: Who is attending a fashion seminar with Mark? A: Rachel's long work hours; Q: What is Ross fed up with? A: another job; Q: What does Mark leave Bloomingdale's for? A: a fresh argument; Q: What does Ross's falling asleep cause? A: rocky ground; Q: What does Ross's relationship with Rachel become after he falls asleep? Summary: Phoebe is reunited with her former singing partner Leslie ( E.G. Daily ), but is offended when Leslie thinks "Smelly Cat" has potential as cat food ad jingle. Chandler dates a woman with a prosthetic leg ( Sherilyn Fenn ), only to learn she once dated Joey, who accidentally threw her artificial limb into a fireplace. Ross, fed up with Rachel's long work hours, is ecstatic when Mark leaves Bloomingdale's for another job, only to discover he and Rachel are attending a fashion seminar together. To prevent Rachel going with Mark, Ross accompanies her instead, but he quickly falls asleep, causing a fresh argument leaving their relationship on rocky ground.
The Ambassadors of Death 5:20pm - 5:45pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. SPACE CONTROL. CAPSULE HANGER (LIZ stands at the console with the microphone, watched by the DOCTOR, the BRIGADIER and CORNISH.) LIZ: (Into microphone.) Hello recovery 7, do you read me? (The static continues...) LIZ: (Into microphone: urgently.) Hello Recovery 7, do you read me? (VAN LYDEN'S voice suddenly comes from the speaker.) VAN LYDEN: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Hello, Space Control. This is Recovery 7. Will you clear us for re-entry? (The four look at each other in delight. LIZ hands the microphone to CORNISH and they all go over to the capsule. CORNISH, smiling with relief, speaks to VAN LYDEN.) RALPH CORNISH: (Into microphone.) Charlie! This is Ralph Cornish. You are back at Space Control. Open the capsule. VAN LYDEN: LIZ: (OOV: Over tannoy.) We are not cleared for re-entry. (They four start to look puzzled.) RALPH CORNISH: (Into microphone.) Charlie? You are back at Space Control. What's wrong? Open the hatch. VAN LYDEN: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Hello, Space Control. This is Recovery 7. Will you clear us for re-entry? DOCTOR: Let me try. (He takes the microphone from CORNISH.) DOCTOR: (Into microphone.) Hello, Van Lyden? What is the capital of Australia? VAN LYDEN: (OOV: Over tannoy.) We are not cleared for re-entry. DOCTOR: (Into microphone.) How many beans make five? VAN LYDEN: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Hello, Space control. This is Recovery 7. Will you clear us for re-entry? DOCTOR: (Into microphone.) Van Lyden! VAN LYDEN: (OOV: Over tannoy.) We are not cleared for re-entry. DOCTOR: (To CORNISH.) Right - cut it open! [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. SPACE CONTROL. CAPSULE HANGER (Two men with masks and thermal lances are standing on ladders leant either side of the hatch cutting through the hatch into the capsule. They finish their task and carry the hatch away. RALPH CORNISH dashes up the ladder and looks into the capsule.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. RECOVERY 7 (He sees that there is no one in the capsule.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. SPACE CONTROL. CAPSULE HANGER RALPH CORNISH: It's empty! DOCTOR: What? Let me see? (He leaps up the other ladder...) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. RECOVERY 7 (...and peers into the empty chamber.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. SPACE CONTROL. CAPSULE HANGER RALPH CORNISH: But we were talking to Van Lyden! [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. RECOVERY 7 DOCTOR: Liz... [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. SPACE CONTROL. CAPSULE HANGER DOCTOR: ...try them again. LIZ: (Into microphone.) Hello, recovery 7. Do you read me? [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. RECOVERY 7 VAN LYDEN: (OOV.) Hello, Space control. (The DOCTOR snaps his fingers at CORNISH who pokes his head round the hatch doorway and looks towards what the DOCTOR is pointing at - a tape recorder.) VAN LYDEN: (OOV: On tape.) This is Recovery 7. Will you clear us for re-entry? DOCTOR: Well, well, well - a tape recording. RALPH CORNISH: Triggered off by our speech. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Then where are the astronauts? [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. SPACE CONTROL. CAPSULE HANGER (CORNISH climbs down from the his ladder.) DOCTOR: Well, someone wanted us to believe they were still inside there. (To CORNISH.) That tape recorder's not a standard part of their equipment is it? RALPH CORNISH: No, of course not. DOCTOR: Then somebody put it there, didn't they? LIZ: Why? RALPH CORNISH: To delay us opening the capsule. LIZ: Why should they want to do that? (The DOCTOR climbs down from his ladder.) DOCTOR: Well, to gain time. Now, suppose the astronauts were still in there when it landed, and later they were removed. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: No, that's impossible - this capsule's been guarded all the time... (He nods at LIZ and CORNISH.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: ...and you two were here. RALPH CORNISH: Except when your men turned us out for that security check. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: What! LIZ: They sent us back to the control room while they searched the area. DOCTOR: (To the BRIGADIER.) I take it you didn't order this? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: No, I didn't. DOCTOR: Well, there you are then - a bogus patrol turns up, clears the area, and removes the astronauts at their leisure. (LIZ goes to look inside the capsule.) RALPH CORNISH: Who would want to kidnap three astronauts? DOCTOR: Yes, perhaps the same people who replied to that message. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: I think I'll have a word with my guard commander. DOCTOR: Yes, I'll come with you. (They are about to head off when LIZ calls from the capsule hatch.) LIZ: Doctor! DOCTOR: Yes? What is it? LIZ: The Geiger counter - it's on maximum - the interior's radioactive. If anyone was in there, they're as good as dead! [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. HELDORF'S LABORATORY (The needles on another Geiger counter fluctuate wildly. The three fully suited and helmeted ASTRONAUTS, as seen through a large observation window, lie on a slab in an enclosed room. One of them moves slightly. On the other side of the window, CARRINGTON looks at them. He is now dressed in a General's uniform. He walks away from the window to a control console where a lab-coated scientist - HELDORF - and an assistant monitor the counter and take readings. HELDORF speaks in a Germanic accent.) HELDORF: Two million rads! Scientifically, they should be dead. CARRINGTON: But they're not. HELDORF: When we tried to remove their helmets, they resisted violently. CARRINGTON: (Snaps.) I told you not to remove their protective clothing! HELDORF: General Carrington, these men have received massive doses of radiation. (HELDORF walks round to the observation window.) HELDORF: They need total blood transfusions immediately, they need antibiotics, cortisone injections - you don't understand the situation. We must reduce the radiation... CARRINGTON: (Interrupts.) Just increase it! HELDORF: Are you mad? That would be murder! CARRINGTON: The radiation which affects these men is something totally new to us. To survive it, they have become dependent on it. HELDORF: What you're saying is contrary to everything that's understood about radioactivity. CARRINGTON: You must feed them radiation - otherwise they will die. (HELDORF walks away.) HELDORF: No, no, no, you can't ask me to do that. CARRINGTON: (Snaps.) I'm not asking you! (HELDORF turns round and looks at him.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. SIR JAMES QUINLAN'S OFFICE (The DOCTOR, LIZ and the BRIGADIER are back with QUINLAN in his office.) DOCTOR: I don't think you can sweep all this under the Ministry carpet, Sir James. Someone in authority has done this. QUINLAN: (To the BRIGADIER.) The astronauts were in your charge, Brigadier. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: They were taken from the Space Centre by two army officers. QUINLAN: Obviously impostors. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: The papers of authorisation were genuine. Their passes were made out in the names of two non-existent officers. They had a platoon and an army vehicle of the latest design -not the sort of thing you'd buy from an army surplus store. QUINLAN: You've been very thorough, Brigadier. It's a pity you've no explanation to offer for these strange occurrences. DOCTOR: We haven't come here to offer explanations, Sir James. We've come to demand them - from you. QUINLAN: All right. DOCTOR: (Puzzled.) You mean you're going to tell us the truth? QUINLAN: No. DOCTOR: Oh... QUINLAN: But I'm going to introduce you to the man who can. (He speaks into an intercom.) QUINLAN: Will you come in please? (The rear door opens and CARRINGTON walks in. The BRIGADIER stands up.) QUINLAN: General Carrington - head of the newly formed Space Security department. LIZ: Space Security? Weren't you an astronaut on Mars Probe 6? CARRINGTON: (Smiles.) Yes I was. Please sit down Brigadier. (Nevertheless, the BRIGADIER waits until the senior officer sits himself before he takes up the offer.) CARRINGTON: I...realise I owe you all an apology. I can only ask you to believe that everything I have done has been for the good of us all. DOCTOR: Does that include sending coded messages to Mars Probe 7? And kidnapping three astronauts? LIZ: And Doctor Bruno Taltalian holding a gun on us in the computer room? CARRINGTON: Taltalian was under strict orders to make sure you didn't have access to the computer. You see...every astronaut is issued with an emergency code - only to be used in the ultimate emergency - the code you've been trying to crack. The message we received from Mars probe 7 told us that the deep-space capsule had passed through a hitherto unsuspected high density radiation belt on its way back to Earth orbit. LIZ: Why didn't you inform Space Control at once? CARRINGTON: Security. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Then why wasn't I informed...sir? CARRINGTON: UNIT is an international organisation and the government wanted to keep it in its own hands. DOCTOR: Yes, but why all this extraordinary behaviour? Well, surely radiation is a normal hazard of space travel? CARRINGTON: We believe this radiation to be a different kind. We believe it to be self-sustaining and highly contagious...and that it could spread like a plague, contaminating the entire planet. QUINLAN: (Smiles.) Well, we don't want the public to become panic-stricken. DOCTOR: (Amiably.) Well...seems to have been a question of the right hand fighting the left, doesn't it, Brigadier? (There is some quiet laughter. CARRINGTON gets to his feet to leave, followed by QUINLAN and the BRIGADIER.) CARRINGTON: Good! Well, I hope this explanation has eased your minds, gentlemen. DOCTOR: (Sharply.) Well, it hasn't eased mine. (CARRINGTON turns and looks at him.) CARRINGTON: I'm sorry? DOCTOR: I should like to take a look at these mysteriously irradiated astronauts for myself, if I may. CARRINGTON: There's no need for that - they're in expert hands. DOCTOR: (Firmly.) Nevertheless, I would still like to see them. (After a moments pause, QUINLAN looks at CARRINGTON.) QUINLAN: Well, I don't see it can do any harm. CARRINGTON: Oh, very well then, I'll take you there now, but I can assure you, they're perfectly safe. (The DOCTOR stares but does not reply.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. HELDORF'S LABORATORY (The three ASTRONAUTS walk out of their enclosed room. Their breathing resembles the sound of a stream of gas escaping from a pipe. HELDORF and his assistant stand with their hands raised before three men with hand guns - two thugs and their boss - REEGAN, a sardonically intense man.) HELDORF: Who are you people? REEGAN: I've told you before to be quiet. (The ASTRONAUTS walk in line past HELDORF and through the door out of the lab.) HELDORF: (To the ASTRONAUTS.) Where are you going? (To REEGAN.) Where are you taking them? REEGAN: Shut up! (REEGAN follows the ASTRONAUTS out. His thugs continue to hold HELDORD and his assistant at gunpoint.) HELDORF: But if you take them out of here, they will die. You must stop! REEGAN: (To his henchmen.) I'll take them out to the others. You two go back by the direct route... when you've finished here. (He leaves. HELDORF goes to follow but is punched back by one of the thugs. HELDORF tries again, receives another punch and is then shot. His assistant picks up a chair and throws it at one of the thugs but he too is shot down by the other thug.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: EXT. HELDORF'S LABORATORY (REEGAN locks the door to the lab as the ASTRONAUTS climb into the back of a van. REEGAN padlocks the door to the lab and turns to his two thugs.) REEGAN: You two ride with them. (The two thugs look at him nervously.) REEGAN: They won't hurt you. You've got guns haven't you? (The two thugs get in the back. REEGAN climbs into the drivers seat and the van, emblazoned with the sign "HAYHOE LAUNDERERS LTD.", speeds off down the road through what appears to be a deserted army camp. A minute later Bessie, with the DOCTOR is driving, CARRINGTON in the passenger seat and the BRIGADIER and LIZ in the rear roars round a corner and pulls up in front of the lab. The DOCTOR and CARRINGTON look at each other and then they all get out. CARRINGTON goes to the door of the lab and unlocks it. The DOCTOR enters followed by LIZ. The BRIGADIER motions for CARRINGTON to enter, then follows him in.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. HELDORF'S LABORATORY (Having found the two dead men, the DOCTOR closes HELDORF'S eyes.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Do you know where the phone is, sir? CARRINGTON: Oh yes, it's over there. (He points to a wall phone behind him. The BRIGADIER starts to dial as the DOCTOR looks round.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into phone.) Hello UNIT control? This is the Brigadier. DOCTOR: (To CARRINGTON: Sharply.) Perfectly safe were they? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into phone.) This is a yellow alert. CARRINGTON: (To the DOCTOR.) I don't understand it. Who would have done this? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into phone.) I want ... (LIZ is on one side of the lab with a mass of paperwork.) LIZ: Doctor, look at this. (The DOCTOR joins her and looks to where LIZ is pointing on the sheets of paper.) LIZ: These seem to be the radiation records of the missing astronauts DOCTOR: Mmm hmm? LIZ: Over two million rads. They couldn't possibly have survived that amount. [SCENE_BREAK] 16: EXT. GRAVEL PIT (REEGAN'S van drives into a gravel pit works. It passes the main buildings and continues to the out fringes of the pit where huge mechanical diggers move the gravel around. The van stops. A digger moves along on its rails while REEGAN changes into a radiation suit. He goes to the back of the van and pulls the lifeless body of one of the thugs out, depositing it on a gravel heap. He then does the same thing with the other dead thug. As the diggers and movers continue their work, REEGAN drops the dead men's guns next to their bodies, plants some papers on them then scrambles further up the pile, kicking sufficient gravel over the bodies to cover them. He shuts the back of the van up and, divested of his radiation suit, drives off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: EXT. ROADSIDE (REEGAN pulls to the side of the road, checks for other traffic, then flicks a switch. The van's front and rear number plates rotate, changing from "KBF979H" to "YLD259H". Another switch is activated and the signage on the side of the van flips over from "HAYHOE LAUNDERERS LTD." to "SILCOCK BAKERIES". He drives off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. HELDORF'S LABORATORY (A UNIT team have reached the lab and one soldier runs a Geiger counter over the room whilst others take photographs all supervised by the BRIGADIER. CARRINGTON watches as the DOCTOR and LIZ go over HELDORF'S paperwork.) DOCTOR: Liz what were those exact radiation figures, again? LIZ: Mmm? Ah... (She finds the paper with the numbers and reads them out to the DOCTOR who writes them down.) LIZ: Two million, one-o-two, four-six-two. DOCTOR: Thank you. CARRINGTON: Are you getting anywhere? DOCTOR: Possibly. CARRINGTON: Do you realise the importance of this... DOCTOR: (Interrupts.) I realise the importance very well, General Carrington. That is why I must be allowed to continue my work undisturbed. CARRINGTON: I'm so sorry. (The DOCTOR walks away. LIZ joins him with a print out.) LIZ: These are the complete readings. DOCTOR: Mmm thanks, You know, it's the most extraordinary thing. Those astronauts were emitting radiation like walking reactors. LIZ: But radiation destroys human tissue. DOCTOR: Yes. I know. (The BRIGADIER comes from outside the lab and reports to CARRINGTON.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: The radioactive trace goes to just outside the building, sir. Then it vanishes. CARRINGTON: Obviously they were taken away in a vehicle. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Why should anyone kidnap them? CARRINGTON: Contagious radiation - could be a terrible weapon in the hands of a foreign power. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Who else knew of the location of this laboratory, sir? CARRINGTON: Only my immediate staff. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: And Sir James Quinlan...and his immediate staff. (CARRINGTON looks at the BRIGADIER meaningfully. A thoughtful DOCTOR joins them.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Well Doctor, any luck? DOCTOR: Well, I can tell you where your three astronauts are. CARRINGTON: Well? DOCTOR: They're still in orbit. CARRINGTON: But they came down in the capsule. They were here - I saw them. DOCTOR: No, you saw three spacesuits. I don't know what came down in Recovery 7, but it certainly wasn't human. [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. UNDERGROUND LABORATORY (The helmeted ASTRONAUTS are again lying on a slab in a booth behind a glass window in a laboratory similar to HELDORF'S although this one is underground with steps to the left of the booth leading to the surface. A balding middle-aged scientist, LENNOX, is studying readings on monitoring equipment. REEGAN, dressed in a radiation suit, without the headpiece sits at a table nearby on which there is a telephone.) LENNOX: They must be dying. REEGAN: (Slightly smiles.) I don't think so. (LENNOX gets up and goes over to him as REEGAN starts dialling a number on the phone.) LENNOX: Well, I can't deal with them here. They should be the intensive care unit...in a hospital. REEGAN: You've got your instructions, Lennox. LENNOX: Doctor Lennox, if you don't mind. REEGAN: I thought they took that away from you. (Almost bored with the conversation, REEGAN turns to the phone. An exasperated LENNOX goes back to his equipment.) REEGAN: (Into phone.) Hello? This is Reegan. Everything went fine. Lennox is looking after them here. (He listens.) No, no trouble at all. (Listens then smiles.) I just dropped those two off on the way. (Listens.) Right. (He hangs up the phone.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. SPACE CONTROL. CAPSULE HANGER (The DOCTOR and CORNISH are walking into the capsule hanger.) RALPH CORNISH: And you really think that they're still in orbit in the Mars Probe? DOCTOR: I do. RALPH CORNISH: Their life support systems will be running down. We've got to send up another recovery capsule. DOCTOR: I should do that as quickly as possible if I were you. (CORNISH walks over to the console and picks up a phone.) RALPH CORNISH: I'll get onto Quinlan. DOCTOR: Must you? RALPH CORNISH: I'll need his authority. (He dials a number.) RALPH CORNISH: (Into phone.) Get me Sir James Quinlan - top priority. [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. SIR JAMES QUINLAN'S OFFICE (QUINLAN takes the call...) QUINLAN: (Into phone.) Yes? (He listens.) Yes! (Listens.) But we don't really know if the astronauts are up there. [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. SPACE CONTROL. CAPSULE HANGER RALPH CORNISH: (Into phone: Puzzled.) Well, if there's any possibility they're alive up there, we've got to go and get them. [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. SIR JAMES QUINLAN'S OFFICE QUINLAN: (Into phone.) Yes, of course, but the government simply will not authorise the expenditure on so little evidence. [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. SPACE CONTROL. CAPSULE HANGER RALPH CORNISH: (Into phone.) We're not talking about money, we're talking about human life. [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. SIR JAMES QUINLAN'S OFFICE QUINLAN: (Into phone.) Oh yes, indeed... [SCENE_BREAK] 26: INT. SPACE CONTROL. CAPSULE HANGER RALPH CORNISH: (Into phone: Interrupts.) Sir James, I'm going to start preparations now. Unless I get your full backing, I'll call a press conference and tell them the entire story. [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. SIR JAMES QUINLAN'S OFFICE QUINLAN: (Into phone: Coldly.) I would advise you not to do that. [SCENE_BREAK] 28: INT. SPACE CONTROL. CAPSULE HANGER RALPH CORNISH: (Into phone.) Then you'll have to make sure that I don't have to. [SCENE_BREAK] 29: INT. SIR JAMES QUINLAN'S OFFICE (QUINLAN hears the buzzing tone as CORNISH hangs up. CARRINGTON is also in the office and has been listening in on another phone.) QUINLAN: What are we going to do? CARRINGTON: They mustn't send up a second recovery capsule. QUINLAN: I know that, but how are we going to stop them? [SCENE_BREAK] 30: INT. UNDERGROUND LABORATORY (One of the ASTRONAUTS clambers up off the slab and goes over the window. LENNOX looks up to see the ASTRONAUT weakly leaning against the window, then falling to one side. is groggily knocking on the booth window. LENNOX goes to unbolt the booth door, just as REEGAN, now dressed in a business suit walks down the stairs and enters the lab, carrying a file.) REEGAN: And just what do you think you're doing? LENNOX: You've got to let me examine those men. REEGAN: It's against orders. LENNOX: The radiation count has dropped drastically- they should be recovering. REEGAN: That's good then. LENNOX: But one of them's collapsed! (REEGAN goes and looks through the window into the booth.) REEGAN: Well, I was, er, I was hired to get them here - that's all. LENNOX: You weren't hired to let them die. REEGAN: We don't know they're dying. LENNOX: Reegan, do you think you'll...get your money if they're dead? (REEGAN considers then starts unbolting the booth door, pulls on a pair of radiation gloves.) LENNOX: Well, what about protective clothes? REEGAN: You said the radiation had dropped. Right, I won't hang about in there. (REEGAN enters the booth and, watched by LENNOX starts to lift the ASTRONAUT to his feet. However, the previously groggy form suddenly slams him against the wall and then punches him out of the way as REEGAN tries to get to his feet. The ASTRONAUT then exits the booth bearing down on a frightened LENNOX.) LENNOX: It's all right. I...I want to help you. (The ASTRONAUT comes nearer.) LENNOX: Can't you understand? I want to help you. (He runs up the stairs, followed by the ASTRONAUT. The top door is locked. LENNOX slams his hands against it and turns to see the ASTRONAUT reaching out to him.) LENNOX: (Screams.) No! No! (The ASTRONAUT suddenly becomes groggy again, falls against the wall and slumps down on the stairs. REEGAN, now somewhat recovered, appears.) LENNOX: You shouldn't have locked this door. I might have been killed! REEGAN: Shut up. Help me get him back in there. (The phone rings. REEGAN, still shaken, goes to answer it.) REEGAN: (Into phone.) Hello. (He listens.) All right, I'll take care of them. Listen, about those astronauts... (Listens.) Isotopes? (Listens.) Well you'd better get them over here. (He hangs up the phone.) REEGAN: I found out what's wrong with these fellows. They don't need less radiation - they need more! [SCENE_BREAK] 31: EXT. GRAVEL PIT (Back at the gravel pit, the digger continues to work on the piles of stones. Suddenly the driver of one of the machines notices something...) [SCENE_BREAK] 32: INT. UNDERGROUND LABORATORY (LENNOX, clad in radiation gear, is extracting an Isotope in the booth containing the three ASTRONAUTS, all lying on the slab. A Geiger counter starts clicking away furiously as the Isotope is put into a container on the slab. His task completed, he exits the booth.) [SCENE_BREAK] 33: INT. SPACE CONTROL. CAPSULE HANGER (CORNISH is on the phone.) RALPH CORNISH: (Into phone.) I must have all stages in go condition as soon as possible, so get on with it! (He puts the phone down and joins the DOCTOR and the BRIGADIER who are next to the capsule.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Having trouble? RALPH CORNISH: (Exasperated.) Everything's taking just that little bit longer than it should. DOCTOR: And why do you think that is? RALPH CORNISH: I think it's got something to do with Sir James Quinlan. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Could you prove it? RALPH CORNISH: No. [SCENE_BREAK] 34: INT. UNDERGROUND LABORATORY LENNOX: I feel as if I've just murdered them REEGAN: You just keep doing what you're told - they'll be all right. (The phone rings. REEGAN answers it.) REEGAN: (Into phone.) Who is it? (He listens.) All right. I'll open the front door. (He puts the phone down and is about to go to the door when LENNOX calls out from the observation window.) LENNOX: Look! REEGAN: What is it? LENNOX: It's working! (The ASTRONAUTS are stirring on the slab.) REEGAN: I told you they'd be all right, they thrive on the stuff. (He runs upstairs.) [SCENE_BREAK] 35: INT. SPACE CONTROL. CAPSULE HANGER (The BRIGADIER is now on the phone.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: (Into phone.) What? (He listens.) Yes, I see. Right, I'll get right down there. (He hangs up and turns to the DOCTOR.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Two bodies have been found in a gravel pit in Hertfordshire. They died from Radiation. [SCENE_BREAK] 36: INT. UNDERGROUND LABORATORY (REEGAN comes down the stairs studying some photographs.) REEGAN: Hey Lennox, you're a kind of a scientist - do you know these two? (He hands photos of LIZ and the DOCTOR to him. The picture of LIZ appears to have been taken by a hidden camera in the computer room at Space Control.) LENNOX: Yes, I...I think I met the girl once. She was doing research at Cambridge- why? REEGAN: Seems like they're getting in the way. I'll need to deal with them. [SCENE_BREAK] 37: INT. RECOVERY 7 (The DOCTOR lies half-way in the capsule with a Geiger counter wearing a radiation suit.) [SCENE_BREAK] 38: INT. SPACE CONTROL. CAPSULE HANGER (He emerges from the capsule, handing the counter to a girl technician. LIZ and CORNISH are waiting. The DOCTOR takes off his hood) DOCTOR: Well, it's the most extraordinary thing - the radioactive contamination has almost vanished. If you can't get Recovery 8 ready in time, you can use this capsule. RALPH CORNISH: Provided we can get the three thousand tonnes of rocket to go underneath it. (A UNIT soldier enters and hands a message to LIZ.) DOCTOR: Who's it from? LIZ: The Brigadier. (She reads it.) LIZ: He wants us to go down to Hertfordshire to look at those bodies. DOCTOR: How very morbid. LIZ: Well, are you coming? DOCTOR: No, I'm going to stay and get this capsule fully operational. [SCENE_BREAK] 39: EXT. SPACE CENTRE ENTRANCE (LIZ drives through the checkpoint at the tunnel like entrance to the Centre in Bessie.) [SCENE_BREAK] 40: EXT. ROAD (Further down the road, a Ford Capri pulls out of a side road in pursuit.) [SCENE_BREAK] 41: INT. SPACE CONTROL. CAPSULE HANGER (The DOCTOR is back leaning into the capsule working.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Doctor? (The BRIGADIER gets no answer and taps him with his swagger stick. The DOCTOR looks up.) DOCTOR: You're back soon. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Well, I started back an hour ago. DOCTOR: But Liz has just gone to meet you. We received a message asking us to join you. (The DOCTOR sees the look on his face.) DOCTOR: You didn't send it? BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: I'll get after her. (He runs out.) [SCENE_BREAK] 42: EXT. ROADS (LIZ has realised that she is being followed and desperately tries to pull ahead of the roaring Capri. The two cars swerve as LIZ tries to avoid her pursuers. Realising that the Capri is trying to pull ahead of her, she swerves from one side of the road to the other to try and keep ahead. The Capri - and the two men in it - keep pace with her.) [SCENE_BREAK] 43: EXT. ROADSIDE (Finally, the Capri pulls ahead of Bessie and forces LIZ to stop. LIZ jumps out and runs. The two men from the Capri give chase...) [SCENE_BREAK] 44: EXT. FIELD (...across a football field...) [SCENE_BREAK] 45: EXT. WEIR (...and onto a weir. LIZ is out of breath from the chase and despite the fact that she can see no obvious way of escape, continues to run carefully along the narrow ledge. Halfway across they catch up. LIZ struggles with one of the men who she one flips over the side. He manages to hang on. She runs on a few paces but the other man catches her and knocks her over towards the torrent of water...)	Plan: A: a secret location; Q: Where is Carrington holding the astronauts? A: Liz; Q: Who is the Doctor's companion? A: Brigadier; Q: Who is the fourth astronaut? Summary: Carrington is holding the astronauts at a secret location but when he takes the Doctor, Liz and the Brigadier there they find they have been kidnapped.
FURY FROM THE DEEP by VICTOR PEMBERTON first broadcast - 14th March 1968 [SCENE_BREAK] 1. NORTH SEA COAST (The TARDIS comes zooming down from the sky to land with a plop in the middle of the ocean, remaining just above the waves. The TARDIS crew throw out a rubber dinghy and start paddling towards the shore. After a while the rubber dinghy reaches the beach. The DOCTOR proceeds to help VICTORIA out.) DOCTOR: There Victoria, up you get. JAMIE: Trust you to bring us right down in the middle of the sea. DOCTOR: The TARDIS is perfectly capable of floating you know. VICTORIA: (Looking around.) Where are we exactly? DOCTOR: Oh England undoubtedly. JAMIE: Aye, you can tell by the weather. DOCTOR: And by the cliffs. VICTORIA: We always seem to land on this planet. JAMIE: Aye, it's always England. You'd think for all the hammering the TARDIS has got, you've gone an' spiked it (The DOCTOR bends down to inspect the foam that seems to be covering this stretch of the coast.) JAMIE: Hey, what are you doing? Hey, what's all this stuff Doctor? VICTORIA: Foam, you silly. You often see the stuff along the sea shore. JAMIE: But not big lumps like this, aye Doctor? DOCTOR: No, not usually. Jamie. Hey Jamie, feel that. (The DOCTOR splatters a handful of foam into JAMIE's face. The three are subsequently consumed in a foam fight. Their playful fight leads them towards to a pipe near the base of a cliff.) JAMIE: Hey, look at that. Maybe that's where the foam's coming from. DOCTOR: Oh I hardly think so, Jamie. Let's go and see. (Unbeknownst to the time travellers their movements are being observed by a man sheltering behind an outcrop of rocks. He has them through the sights of his tranquiliser rifle.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2. PIPE LINE SECTION JAMIE: What is it? DOCTOR: Just what it says, Jamie. Euro Sea Gas. JAMIE: Gas from the sea? Oh, who are you trying to kid? VICTORIA: And it has nothing to do with the foam then. DOCTOR: No. No, I shouldn't think so. (The DOCTOR notices a black metallic box sitting on the pipe and tries to pry it open with his hands, with little success.) JAMIE: Would it not budge? DOCTOR: No, can't budge it, I'm afraid Jamie. Ah well, have to use this. (From his pockets the DOCTOR produces a tubular device.) DOCTOR: It's a Sonic Screwdriver. Never fails. (The DOCTOR applies it to the screws on the top of the box and they begin to unscrew themselves - a soft humming sound is coming from the sonic screwdriver.) DOCTOR: There we are. Neat isn't it? All done by sound waves. Now what have we got here? (The DOCTOR peers into the newly opened black box.) DOCTOR: Oh yes. (There is a faint noise coming from the pipe.) JAMIE: What is it? What's that noise? DOCTOR: I don't know Jamie. (The DOCTOR produces a stethoscope from his pockets and applies it to the pipe.) DOCTOR: There's a heart beating... VICTORIA: I can hear it too. DOCTOR: Yes. Probably throbbing from a pump, you know. VICTORIA: Doctor please hurry up. I don't like this place. It's so quiet. I feel as if we're being watched. DOCTOR: Alright Victoria. (The man that has been monitoring them, raises his rifle and takes aim. JAMIE is shot and collapses.) DOCTOR: Jamie!!! (The DOCTOR soon joins him as he is subsequently shot down.) VICTORIA: Doctor!!! DOCTOR!!! (Another quick shot and Victoria collapses on her friends.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3. CONTROL ROOM (The DOCTOR, JAMIE and VICTORIA lie on the floor of the Control room. Guards with rifles stand over them. Slowly the effects of the tranquiliser darts begin to wear off, and the trio regain consciousness.) DOCTOR: Victoria... Jamie you there? VICTORIA: I can't move... my legs. JAMIE: What happened? What do you want? DOCTOR: Would someone kindly tell us where we are?...Why don't you answer? JAMIE: Come on where are we? VICTORIA: What have they done? Can't move... DOCTOR: I think we've... we've been tranquilised Victoria. Tranquilised. JAMIE: Eh? Who do they think they are? (ROBSON - the Chief of the Euro Sea Complex - and his second in command - HARRIS - move over to the prostrate trio on hearing their raucous.) ROBSON: We should be the ones asking the questions. I expect quite a lot of answers. JAMIE: What is this place? ROBSON: You mean you don't know? JAMIE: If only I could just get up... ROBSON: I wouldn't try if I were you. DOCTOR: You know, in this condition it's just a little difficult to communicate. HARRIS: Shall we give them some U4 sir? DOCTOR: Eh? ROBSON: Yes. Do that Mr. Harris. (HARRIS, with canisters of U4, begins administering it to the trio despite their protests.) VICTORIA: Oh no. DOCTOR: I think it's alright Victoria. VICTORIA: No... DOCTOR: I think it's an antidote. There's nothing we can do about it you know... (HARRIS stands back as the U4 begins to take effect on the three strangers.) DOCTOR: Oh yes. That's better... Thank you. Thank you very much. ROBSON: You were on the beach, by the pipe line, in a restricted area. Now why? VICTORIA: We were lost that's all. ROBSON: You were tampering with the emergency release valve remote control. You're a saboteur. VICTORIA: He's not. He's a doctor. DOCTOR: I can assure you. I was only being curious. HARRIS: I don't really think how they could have anything... ROBSON: When I want your opinion Harris, I'll ask for it. In the mean time, lock them up in one of the cabins. I'll interrogate them later. (To the Technicians at their posts.) And you lot get back to work. (ROBSON turns and walks off back to his duties.) JAMIE: Is he always as charming as that? HARRIS: We're in something of an emergency at the moment. You see, we've lost contact with one of our rigs at sea. DOCTOR: Communications have broken down? HARRIS: No that's what's so curious about it. As far as we can tell our video link is functioning normally. The crew just aren't answering. VICTORIA: You can't blame us for that surely. HARRIS: There's also been a drop in pressure in the feed line from the rigs. You were seen tampering with the release valve on the pipeline. DOCTOR: I told you I was merely being curious. HARRIS: Were you? JAMIE: Are you calling us liars? HARRIS: No. But you must admit your sudden appearance here inside our restricted area is suspicious. VICTORIA: That's no reason to shoot us down like animals. HARRIS: Maybe not, but we were under security alert and Mr Robson... well, is under considerable pressure himself. I'm sorry, but I shall have to do what he says and lock you up. DOCTOR: Oh dear. HARRIS: Would you... er... follow me? JAMIE: Why do we always... (His voice drifts off as the trio follow HARRIS and a guard out of the control area.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4. GUARD ROOM - ENTRANCE TO CONTROL COMPOUND (A guard stands watch as a woman - MRS MAGGIE HARRIS - approaches the barriers.) GUARD: May I see your pass please madam? MAGGIE: Pass? GUARD: I have instructions that no one is to leave or enter the compound without a written pass from Chief Robson. Not until after the emergency. MAGGIE: But you know who I am. My husband is second in command to Chief Robson. GUARD: Yes Mrs Harris, I... MAGGIE: Then let me pass... please. GUARD: Sorry madam. I think you should return to the residential block. [SCENE_BREAK] 5. CREW CABIN (The DOCTOR's group are led in, whilst the guard stands watch in the doorway.) HARRIS: I'm sorry but there is nothing I can do to help you until you tell me what you were doing with that release valve on the pipe line. DOCTOR: It wasn't the valve I was interested in. HARRIS: Oh? DOCTOR: I heard a movement coming from inside the pipe. HARRIS: Movement? DOCTOR: Yes. HARRIS: (Noticing the guard.) Oh it's alright, you can go. DOCTOR: Yes. Movement. Don't ask me what it was. HARRIS: I'm not sure what you're trying to suggest, but I can assure you, marine life couldn't possibly get inside the pipeline tube. It would never get pass the drill pumps. JAMIE: Aye, that's it. Maybe there was something inside that tube because I heard it too. VICTORIA: And so did I. DOCTOR: Well if the pressure is down in the pipes, perhaps that's the reason why... marine life has got into the pipe. HARRIS: But that's impossible. We've spent years of time, money and research into perfecting our emergency system. DOCTOR: Well, perhaps there's a fracture in the pipes - a break, and something has got in that way? HARRIS: Oh I doubt it. DOCTOR: Mr Harris. I don't wish to appear interfering, but don't you think it'd be a good idea to turn off the gas - at least until you've had a chance to check. HARRIS: Chief Robson would never agree to that. DOCTOR: Why not? HARRIS: Well he doesn't believe in working to the book. He prides himself that the flow has never been shut off ever since he took charge. DOCTOR: Well he sounds like a very silly man. HARRIS: Hmmm. But he appears to be right about one thing. You seem to know quite a lot about our business. [SCENE_BREAK] 6. CONTROL ROOM (ROBSON and the communications officer - PRICE - are clustered near the communications cone.) PRICE: Ah, Chief. We've gained contact with Rig D. Come in Rig D. Come in please. Rig D. Can you hear me please? (The face of Carney appears on the monitor.) CARNEY: (Whispering.) Yes. Rig D to HQ. I can hear you. ROBSON: CARNEY? What the dickens is going on out there? CARNEY: (Whispering.) Everything is quite alright, Mr Robson. ROBSON: What? CARNEY: (Whispering.) We have the situation under control. ROBSON: Would you speak up man. I can't hear a word you're saying. CARNEY: (Whispering.) Don't worry... ROBSON: Price, are we losing volume? PRICE: No, sir. I don't understand. Could you speak up a little louder Mr Carney? CARNEY: (Whispering.) Everything is under control. ROBSON: Carney? What happened to the emergency crew we sent you? Have they arrived yet? CARNEY: Yes...Yes... But they must stay here for the time being. ROBSON: What? CARNEY: They had a slight accident. Two men out of action. ROBSON: Now listen Carney. You get that rig fixed A1 and quick. CARNEY: But it will take some time. ROBSON: What? What did you say? What's wrong with this thing. PRICE: I don't know, sir. It must be their end. He seems to be whispering. CARNEY: Everything is under control. ROBSON: Carney, speak up man. CARNEY: Everything is under control. ROBSON: Carney... (The signal is lost in static.) PRICE: I think we've lost contact again sir. ROBSON: Fix it man. (ROBSON moves away from the Communications cone and heads towards HARRIS who has just returned from locking the strangers in the cabin.) ROBSON: Price is getting too old for his job. HARRIS: Mr. Robson, I think we should turn off the gas flow coming from the rig. Make a check. ROBSON: You think what Mr Harris? HARRIS: That Doctor chap. The stranger. He said he heard a movement coming from inside the pipe line on the beach. ROBSON: Oh did he now. Did he say what he thought it was? Mice? (The CHIEF ENGINEER walks up to the pair.) ROBSON: Chief? CHIEF: She's down at propeller 3. Pressure's on just 157. ROBSON: Are you sure? CHIEF: Yes. Sure. HARRIS: That means the gas flow pressure is down 3% every... ROBSON: Twenty minutes. HARRIS: Doesn't that prove that something must be blocking the pipe line? ROBSON: It proves nothing of the sort. It's probably a faulty gauge that's all. Check it. HARRIS: Look, at least give it the benefit of the doubt. ROBSON: When you want to find out about pipe lines and rigs Mr Harris, the thing to do is to go out and see and work on them. HARRIS: Look I'm merely saying that if something had got into the tube... ROBSON: You let me worry about that. HARRIS: But Mr Robson, please listen. This ties up with what I've been trying to tell you. For three weeks now, there's been a regular and increasing build up of falls in pressure... Look I think you should at least look at my calculations. The time ratio of the increases and falls corresponds to form a definite progressive pattern. I'll get them. ROBSON: What are you trying to prove Harris? That I don't know my job? HARRIS: No. Just that I know mine. It's your decision whether you take notice of my work but I must put it on record that I have offered the information. (Whilst the two are arguing a hand in a white glove picks a file off a desk.) ROBSON: Don't threaten me boy. I've eaten up sods like you for breakfast. You think you can baffle me with your little bits of paper don't you? Alright, you go ahead and get them. I'll show you where you've gone wrong. (HARRIS moves off to his desk as ROBSON turns his attention to the CHIEF ENGINEER.) ROBSON: Did you make a thorough check? CHIEF: Yes I checked it. Seems to be working properly. (HARRIS returns from a fruitless search for the file in question.) HARRIS: It's gone. CHIEF: Doesn't seem to be anything wrong with her. HARRIS: It's gone. The file's gone. ROBSON: Well well well. Has it now? HARRIS: I'm sure I put it in here this morning... er I must have left the file on my desk at home. I'll go home and get... ROBSON: You won't. You'll stay here. I'm not doing your job as well as my own. HARRIS: What's the matter sir? Are you scared that I might prove you wrong? ROBSON: No. You go ahead. But you'd better have something more than a high blown theory, because if you haven't, I'm going to take up and chop you up into little pieces and throw you back to your crummy little university. Alright? [SCENE_BREAK] 7. CREW CABIN (JAMIE is perched on the DOCTOR's shoulders trying to prize open the grill above the door.) JAMIE: I've got it. DOCTOR: Put that down Victoria. Can you see anyone? JAMIE: All clear. DOCTOR: You think you can make it? JAMIE: Of course I can make it. Hold on. (VICTORIA is rummaging in her hair for a hairpin.) VICTORIA: Don't bother, Jamie. You can do it with this. JAMIE: Pick a lock with that hairpin? Don't be daft. (JAMIE manages to pull free the grill which clatters on the ground outside.) VICTORIA: Clumsy. [SCENE_BREAK] 8. CORRIDOR (HARRIS catches up to his wife on her way to the control area.) HARRIS: Maggie. Where have you been? I've been trying to contact you. MAGGIE: I was on my way to the village, but Robson's clamped down on security. I was just coming to find you for a pass. HARRIS: Yes. There's been a bit of a flap on. MAGGIE: Well can I have a pass? HARRIS: No. Not at the moment. Look. Could you do something for me? MAGGIE: Yes what is it? HARRIS: There's a file - it's probably in the middle draw of my desk in the study. Could you get it and bring it to me at the control room? MAGGIE: Alright darling. But what's the panic? HARRIS: I'll explain later. Go along. MAGGIE: Alright darling. (MAGGIE moves off back to the residential block whilst HARRIS makes his way back to the control room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9. CREW CABIN (JAMIE is still perched on the DOCTOR's shoulders trying to squeeze through the open grill above the door. VICTORIA is using her hairpin on the lock.) VICTORIA: Oh he's stuck. DOCTOR: No he's not. Are you ready Jamie. Right. (JAMIE falls through on the other side of the door, just as VICTORIA succeeds in picking the lock and steps into the corridor. JAMIE picks himself up and dusts himself off.) VICTORIA: Told you not to bother. DOCTOR: Sorry, about that Jamie. [SCENE_BREAK] 10. HARRIS' APARTMENT (MAGGIE finds her husband's file on his desk. She picks it up.) MAGGIE: Ow... Seaweed? (MAGGIE picks it out and hastily throws the piece of seaweed out. She rubs her stung hand and moves out to the lounge area. The seaweed bubbles and seethes as foam begins to develop around it.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11. CONTROL ROOM (VAN LUTYENS - the Dutch Engineer - enters the control room and makes his way towards ROBSON.) VAN LUTYENS: Mr. Robson. Could I speak with you please? ROBSON: Van Lutyens. I thought you were at the Control Rig. VAN LUTYENS: I just got back on the supply boat. ROBSON: Something wrong? VAN LUTYENS: I'm not quite sure. The men out there seem very restless. ROBSON: Restless? What are you talking about? VAN LUTYENS: You lost contact with Rig D didn't you? ROBSON: Yes it was only a temporary fault. We regained contact within the hour. VAN LUTYENS: Then why didn't you tell us that? Unusual incidents like that only cause tension on the rigs. ROBSON: Don't tell me what happened out on the rigs. I spent four years on one of those things without a break. VAN LUTYENS: Then you should know better than anyone how important it is to keep up the morale of the crew. ROBSON: What do you want me to do? Wipe their noses for them? Mind your own business van Lutyens. VAN LUTYENS: Mr Robson. I think you're forgetting we also have an interest in Euro Sea Gas. ROBSON: We? VAN LUTYENS: I'm here for the Dutch Government, not for myself. ROBSON: You're here to offer me your expert advice, not spread alarm amongst my crews. VAN LUTYENS: How dare you say that to me? ROBSON: I didn't ask you to come here - it was Megan Jones and those fools on the board. I said it wouldn't work and it never has. VAN LUTYENS: Only because you're too proud to accept advice. ROBSON: Let's get one thing straight, my friend - when I need your advice I'll ask for it. (VAN LUTYENS mutters his reply in Dutch and storms out. The DOCTOR, JAMIE and VICTORIA enter the control room, but remain in a small side room overlooking the control area. ROBSON moves over to the communications cone where PRICE is at work contacting CHIEF BAXTER at the Control Rig.) BAXTER: Control. Chief Baxter at Control Rig. Is Robson there? PRICE: Yes sir. Mr. Robson sir. Chief Baxter from Control Rig sir. ROBSON: Right. Yes Baxter, what is it? BAXTER: Van Lutyens arrive there yet sir? ROBSON: Yes. Why? BAXTER: Did he tell you how the men feel sir? ROBSON: Now listen Baxter. I'm in charge of this outfit - not van Lutyens. You take orders from me not him. BAXTER: Yes sir. But there's something else. ROBSON: What else? BAXTER: Something seems to have got inside the pipe lines. ROBSON: Inside the pipe lines? BAXTER: We've all heard it sir. ROBSON: Heard what? BAXTER: This sound. At first I thought it was something to do with the pumps, but it isn't. Most peculiar sound. A sort of regular thumping, pulsating... like a heartbeat. (In the side room, the DOCTOR overhears the description...) DOCTOR: That's the noise I heard on the beach. VICTORIA: What is it Doctor? DOCTOR: I don't know, but we're going to find out. Come on, Jamie. Oh... ah Victoria. No. Not you. VICTORIA: Why not? DOCTOR: I think it'd be better if you... er... stayed back in the bunk room... hmmm?... please. VICTORIA: Alright. (The DOCTOR and JAMIE move off down the corridor to investigate the pipeline. VICTORIA watches them move out of sight and moves off in the opposite direction having no intention of returning to the cabin and being left out of the action.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12. HARRIS' APARTMENT (MAGGIE, all of a sudden feeling a bit queasy, moves over to the communications unit and calls up the control room. PRICE's face appears on the monitor.) PRICE: Control. MAGGIE: Mrs Harris here. Married Block 420. Could I speak to my husband please? [SCENE_BREAK] 13. CONTROL ROOM ROBSON: Have you recalibrated it? VAN LUTYENS: I've just done Phase two. ROBSON: Start on Phase three. HARRIS: Mr Robson. ROBSON: Yes Harris. Where are your figures? HARRIS: Oh I haven't got them, sir. I sent my wife for them, but she's not well. I wondered if I could go and... ROBSON: I would not. Tell her to call a doctor, not pester you. HARRIS: But Dr. Patterson is still out at Rig D sir. ROBSON: Tell her to get one in from the outside. HARRIS: But you've still go the compound on full emergency alert. Remember? ROBSON: Alright. But make it quick. [SCENE_BREAK] 14. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE OXYGEN SUPPLY ROOM (VICTORIA moves along the corridor. On hearing approaching footsteps, she ducks into the Oxygen Store room. HARRIS rushes past on his way to his wife. A hissing sound fills the air and VICTORIA starts gagging and coughing. She moves over to examine the oxygen cylinders, and finding the open one, begins to close it. She senses someone else is in the room with her and turns around just in time to glimpse a tall thin man going out the door. In the corridor the man locks the door and with gloved hands adjusts the environmental controls next to the door to Emergency Ventilation.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15. IMPELLER AREA (The DOCTOR and JAMIE come across the machinery that is responsible for pumping the gas out to sea.) JAMIE: What's that thing supposed to do? DOCTOR: It's an impeller Jamie. It pumps gas from the main pipeline out to sea. Come on Jamie. (The DOCTOR leads JAMIE into the Pipeline Room. JAMIE notices the massive pipes running across the room. A section is transparent.) JAMIE: This is the pipeline, then. DOCTOR: Yes. Yes. They all are. It's a continuation of the pipe we found on the beach. JAMIE: Aye? But we can see inside the pipe. DOCTOR: Yes. It's transparent for checking condensation and... er... anything else that might get inside. [SCENE_BREAK] 16. OXYGEN STORE ROOM (VICTORIA tries the door handle to find it locked. She starts banging on the door.) VICTORIA: Hello? Is anybody there? Oh come on... (She gives up on the door. Behind her, the vents on the far wall have all been fully opened and foam begins to seep through it into the room. She turns around.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17. PIPE LINE ROOM (The DOCTOR and JAMIE look into the transparent pipe. Suddenly the familiar thumping pulsating sound emanates from it.) DOCTOR: There it is again Jamie. Can you hear it? JAMIE: Aye. What is it? DOCTOR: Your guess is as good as mine. There's something inside. (VICTORIA's voice echoes down the pipe.) VICTORIA: (OOV.) DOCTOR! DOCTOR: Victoria! Come on. (The DOCTOR and JAMIE rush from the pipeline room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18. OXYGEN STORE ROOM (VICTORIA begins backing away as foam and weed pores through the ventilation grille.) VICTORIA: Jamie... Jamie... help! [SCENE_BREAK] 19. CORRIDOR (The DOCTOR and JAMIE race along a corridor, heading towards VICTORIA's voice.) DOCTOR: Victoria. Where are you? VICTORIA: (OOV.) Doctor... Jamie... DOCTOR: Victoria. We're coming. [SCENE_BREAK] 20. OXYGEN STORE ROOM (VICTORIA watches terrified as the weed and foam surge towards her across the floor.) VICTORIA: Doctor... Jamie... hurry. (She gives one last scream.)	Plan: A: prisoner; Q: What are the Doctor, Jamie and Victoria taken as? A: their drilling rigs; Q: What have the staff of a gas refinery lost contact with? A: mysterious drops; Q: What happened to the pressure in the refinery? Summary: The Doctor, Jamie and Victoria are taken prisoner by the staff of a gas refinery, who have lost contact with their drilling rigs and experienced mysterious drops in pressure.
Scene 1: Fangtasia - Eric, Russell, Godric, Sookie, Eric, Pam Eric and Russell are on the floor, outside of the Fangtasia Russell: fcking silver. Your father deserved it, you know. Eric: Just as you deserve this. Russell: All I wanted was a couple of goats for my wolves. Eric: You slaughtered my entire family for a couple of goats. Godric (in Swedish): Forgive him Eric. End all this hate while you still can. Forgiveness is love. Love is all. Eric: No. Russell: Just shut the fck up and die, please. Eric: I swore to my father. Russell: Your father was a self-important, greedy little putz, and he got what was coming to him. Godric: Only peace follows death for all. Even for him. Sookie wakes up in the Fangtasia after a dream. Bill: Sookie. Sookie: You fcking betrayed me again. Bill: I only pretended to betray you so that I could save your life again. And it worked. Russell is gone. Sookie: Where's Eric? Pam: Outside, burning. Sookie: What? Bill: He bound himself by silver to the king. Was the only way to kill him. Sookie: I can't let him do that. Bill: Sookie. Sookie: You do not own me. Sookie goes out. Sookie: Eric, this is just stupid. Eric: Go away. Godric: Eric. Forgive him. In the brief time you have left. Eric: No forgiveness. Sookie: I won't let you do this. Russell: Sweetie, please. Use your gift. Sookie: I don't know how. Russell: Yes, you do. Don't think about it. Don't try. I will not surrender to the true death. I will find a way to come back and kill your precious Viking and your brooding Mr. Compton and his unbearable progeny and anyone you ever cared about, and all because you didn't use your fcking power! Well, it's about fcking time. Now drag me the fck inside. Sookie: You watch your fcking language. Credit Sookie and Eric are at the Fangtasia with Pam and Bill. Pam: He needs blood. Human blood. He's too weak to drop fang. Sookie: Bite me. Pam: Thank God, the key. Sookie feeds Eric. Sookie: Keep an eye on him. We both know he could lose control. Scene 2: Sam's house - Sam, Tara, Nan, Steve Nan on tv: This is all part of a concerted effort on the part of the right-wing fringe to stir up fear of vampires. Steve: Oh, was it the right wing that ripped a guy's spine out on live television? Nan: No, but it is the right wing saying that all vampires need to be wiped out of existence. Following that logic, Osama bin Laden is human, therefore all humans need to be wiped out of existence. Steve: Did you hear that? All human beings must be wiped out of existence. The vampire agenda, pure and simple. Tara: I didn't know you could cook. Sam: I never made breakfast for you? Maybe that's because you always snuck out before I woke up. Tara: Maybe that's because you always woke me up, barking in your sleep. Sam: There's a reason for that. Tara: Hoecakes? Sam: My adopted mother, in addition to being a repressed, codependent doormat, was kind of a great Southern cook. Tara: Bacon grease. Sam: It's all about the bacon grease. There's a reason why I bark in my sleep. Tara: Do not tell me you're a fcking werewolf. Sam: No. No, no. Tara: Because there are already too many supernatural freaks in my life as it is. Sam: Tara, I'm not a werewolf. Tara: Thank you, God, for once. Sam: I'm a shape-shifter. Tara: You're a shape-sh...? Shut the fck up. Sam: No, I'm not gonna shut the fck up about it, Tara. It's what I am. It's who I am. Scene 3: Fangtasia - Eric, Sookie, Bill, Pam, Russell Bill: That's enough. Eric: Where's Russell? Sookie: Outside. Eric: We have to bring him in. Bill: Are you insane? Why? Eric: Godric appeared to me and asked me to spare Russell. Bill: You are insane. Eric: Sookie... Sookie: You want me to go get the guy who wants to kill us all and bring him inside? Really? Pam: Eric, do the world a favor and let that little fck fry. Eric: I'll go out there myself. Sookie: Oh, for the love of God. Sookie saves Russell. Sookie: I'm here to save you. Russell: Ah, thank you, Miss Stackhouse. Sookie: Shut up. Scene 4: Sam's house - Sam, Tara Tara: Don't you think being a shape-shifter is something you should tell a person before you sleep with them? Sam: Maybe. If it is, I apologize. Tara: I cannot deal with nonhumans right now. Sam: Tara, Franklin was a psychopath. Tara: I know you're not a psycho, Sam. But too many bad things have happened to me because of supernatural stuff. Sam: And humans. Tara: God. Wish I could just reboot. Be a completely new person. In a brand-new life. Without knowing any of the sh1t I have learned recently. Sam: You can. Be surprised how easy it is, someone smart as you. Tara: And the other you, the old you, never catches up? Sam: Well, of course it does. That's why you just gotta keep on moving. Scene 5: Fangtasia - Bill, Sookie, Eric, Pam, Russell Bill: You're a fool not to kill him. Russell: Killing him won't solve anything. Sookie: No, but it would keep him from killing us. Eric: Oh, he won't be doing any more killing. Pam: Eric, who the fck are you right now? He killed your family. Rip off his fcking head. Russell: Do not listen to them. I shall reward you handsomely. Eric: Well, that's humiliating. I'll take that. Sookie, come and hold these chains together. As tight as you can. Sookie: Don't even think about it, bitch. Russell: Are you kidding me? It's all I'll think about ever again. Eric: We should go to ground. You stay here and watch him. Sookie: I don't baby sit a psycho while you guys take a nap. Eric: He can't glamour you. Ginger's coming in later. He would glamour her in a heartbeat. Pam, make one of the guest coffins available for Mr. Compton. Bill: I'm staying out here with Sookie. Eric: Suit yourself. Sookie: Bill, you have the bleeds. Bill: I won't leave you alone with him. Sookie: I don't want to look at your face, or any of your faces, for that matter. Go crawl back into your holes, you creepy, cold freaks. Eric on the phone: It's Eric Northman. Bill: Please, be careful. Eric on the phone: I'm gonna need your van and your help tonight. Eric: Do not stake him. Scene 6: Police station - Andy, DEA agent, Jason DEA agent: Just how big a blood-demic y'all got going on around here? Andy: I wouldn't say it's an epidemic. Agent: Well, this here's blood enough for about a hundred doses. That's a lot of hard-ons, enhanced athletic performance, and spontaneous healing of physical infirmities for a town of how many? Andy: Twenty-seven hundred... and 12. Excuse me, sir. Stackhouse, why are you here? Jason: Are these the DEA guys? Agent: Who's this exactly? Jason: Oh. Ahem. I'm Stackhouse. I'm a deputy. Andy: Off-duty deputy. On leave, actually. Andy: Listen, I know all about the blood ring in Hotshot. I'm the one who cracked it. Jason: When y'all going in? Andy: My office. Jason: Get your... Andy: You ain't thinking about tipping them off, are you? I know your new girl's from there. Jason: There's all kinds of innocent people up there. Kids. Andy: So we just let 'em sell drugs? Jason: Well, if we stop 'em, somebody else is just gonna start up. Right? Andy: You just rationalized away all need for law enforcement. Jason: I don't know what that means exactly, but you gotta stop those government people out there. Please. Andy: Give me one good reason why. Jason: I would, but I swore I wouldn't tell nobody. Andy: Jason, the fcking DEA is here and they are going in today. Jason: fck. Andy: You listen to me. You go warn Hotshot, you can kiss ever becoming a cop goodbye! Scene 7: Outside Sam's house - Tara Tara sees the scene when Eggs died. Tara: No. No, please. Please. Scene 8: Hoyt's work place - Hoyt, Maxine, Summer, Counselor Hoyt: What the heck? Maxine: Oh, sweet Lord. She bit him. Hoyt: Mom, what are y'all doing here? Maxine: Hoyt. You remember Mr. Rakestraw, guidance counselor over to the high school. Counselor: It sure is good to see you again, Hoyt. Uh... Want to take a seat? Hoyt: I got work to do. I-I'm supervisor when Jason's not here. Counselor: Yeah, well, I'm here for these folks who really love you. They just want you to hear 'em out. Then you can say what you want to say. Then we're done. Not a big deal. Hoyt: Heh, uh... Maxine: Sit down, Hoyt. Summer: I'll start. "Dear Hoyt. "I have known you ever since you were a safety patrol and helped me across the street every day. You always smiled and said 'hey' to me. I have watched that kind, caring boy grow into a fine, outstanding, great man. But now, instead of choosing life, you want to go back to a vampire who just wants to drink your blood, and it just breaks my heart." Counselor: Oh, well, now. Here. Mrs. Fortenberry. Maxine: "Dear Hoyt. You are my first- and only-born. And if you think I am going to sit back and watch you throw your life away on a redheaded dead girl you are sorely mistaken. There will be consequences." Hoyt: Yeah? Like what? Maxine: Like I will not let you back in my house. Hoyt: I already left. Maxine: I will disinherit you. Hoyt: You don't have any money anyway. Maxine: I am your mother. Hoyt: You're a mean, prejudiced old control freak. Counselor: Okay, let's just try... Hoyt: You just shut up. You're not even a real therapist. Everybody knows you got a bottle of Malibu Rum in your desk, so shut up. Now, look. I love Jessica. I'm not leaving her. If you don't like it, you can't be a part of my life. Maxine: She is a killer. They're all killers. We saw that on the TV. Hoyt: Summer. I wish you well. I wish you the best husband in the whole world. But that ain't me. Maxine: Oh. Scene 8: In front of Merlotte's - Sam, Lafayette Sam: You're early. Lafayette: I figured I'd make a couple of pots of oyster stew this morning, but I goddamn ran out the house so fast, I forgot my key. Sam: No problem. Lafayette: Thank you. Sam: Mm-hm. Sam (in Lafayette's thoughts): Cross me and you're a dead man. Sam: Rough night? Lafayette: You could say that. Scene 9: Fangtasia - Sookie, Russell Russell: Miss Stackhouse. I'd like to propose a deal. Sookie: Oh. This ought to be good. Russell: I will give you my word that I will not harm you or anyone you love. Sookie: Stepping around the fact that your word's worth about as much as tits on a turtle, what else? Russell: One million dollars. Sookie: Five. Russell: Two. Sookie: Seven. Russell: Okay, five. Sookie: What else? Russell: I will kill Eric Northman. And Bill Compton. Both. Or neither. Or just one of your choosing. Sookie: Both. And your house in Mississippi. I like that house. Russell: Done. Sookie: What do I have to do in return? Russell: Release me. Sookie: No. Russell: It may not be me, but someday some vampire is gonna rip you open to get at the essence inside of you. There is no way around that. Sookie: Shut up. Russell: You don't know what it is to drink your blood. It is paradise. Arcadia. Nirvana. Who even knows what your blood is capable of? Heh. I am surprised that your Mr. Compton has showed such restraint. He is either a true gentleman or very, very smart. Sookie: Smart, why? Russell: By showing such a degree of control he's able to make the experience last that much longer. That's basic tantra. But others won't be able to stop themselves. They'll drain you dry, which is a shame, really. But the rose only blooms for a short while, I suppose. Sookie: That's enough out of you. Russell: You better hope to God I die, because I would rip you open and feed your entrails to y... Sookie: Why are you carrying this around? Russell: He was the love of my life. Sookie: This isn't him. Russell: It will be. Sookie: You think you can bring him back to life? Russell: Of course not. Sookie: Yes, you do. Somehow, involving my blood. fck you. Russell: No. Scene 10: Hotshot - Crystal, Jason, Calvin, Felton Jason: Maybe everybody already took off. Crystal: No, they're here. Y'all come on out! It's me, Crystal. Jason: I don't think there's anybody here. Crystal: Shh. Calvin: You brought him here? Ain't enough you polluted your family? Now you bring outsiders? I want both of y'all off my land. Crystal: Daddy, there ain't no time for this. The DEA is coming for you. Jason: And there's lots of 'em. You gotta get rid of all the V or they're gonna haul all of y'all off to jail. Calvin: We never should have agreed to sell that. fcking fangers. Crystal: Creek, you and Eddie Boy get that cooler. Destroy that sh1t. Calvin: Yeah, and bring me some guns. Gasoline too. Person: Yes, sir, Daddy. Calvin: This don't make a difference between me and you, boy. Jason: Well, don't you think it should? I'm trying to help your family out here. Calvin: Well, we don't need none of your fcking help. We were doing fine on our own for a long time. Jason: Oh. Is that so? 'Cause, uh, I see a lot of people who look dirty and hungry and kids who probably ain't in school, and several people obviously got dental problems. Man: Here you go, Uncle Daddy Calvin. Calvin: Bufort, I want you to get all the meth and the gear. Put it in the back of the tow truck. Eddie Boy, you park it deep in the woods. I'm throwing this vamper sh1t in the latrine. Felton: Wouldn't do that if I were you. Man: He's got a gun! Felton: There's way too much money to be made off that vamper juice for me to let you get d of it. Calvin: Been drinking this dirty blood? Felton: You want it all for yourself? Don't knock it. You ain't never tried it. Calvin: I ain't a little pussy like you. Felton: That so? Felton kills Calvin. Scene 11: In front of Terry's house - Sam, Terry Radio: It's now clear that the Vampire Rights Amendment will not achieve the majority needed to become law. This just days after the passage seemed not only possible, but li... Sam stop in front of Terry's house. Sam: Hey, buddy. Terry: Sam. Sam: Hey, uh, listen. I owe you an apology. Terry: Don't worry about it. Sam: No. No, no, no. I, uh... I treated you terrible and, uh, you don't deserve that. You're a good man, a good employee, and friend who's made a tremendous sacrifice for his... His country. And, uh, for the rest of us. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, it's okay. Terry: It's more than okay. It's great. Arlene's good. Our baby's good. Coby and Lisa are good. Sam: Yeah. Terry: My armadillo Felix is good. Sam: Heh. Yeah. Terry: And now we're okay. Sam: Yup. Yup, we are. Terry: Just when I thought it couldn't get any better. I swear, sometimes I feel so lucky. Sam: Uh-huh. Right. Terry: And so grateful. Terry: And I feel it so hard, I think it's just gonna split me in half. Sam: Right. Terry: And I don't ever want it to stop. You know? Sam: Not really, but I'm happy for you. Sam is at Tommy's house. Sam: Hey, Tommy. How come you're not answering the phone? Scene 12: Police station - Andy, agent Andy: Can I hop a ride with you? Or I can follow in my own car. Agent: Sheriff, you're injured. You'd be a liability. Andy: Of course, sir. Need me to do anything on this end? Agent: Run to the store, grab me a pack of Luckies. Andy: Asshole. Scene 13: Hotshot - Felton, Jason, Crystal Felton: I ought to kill all you Mtherfckers. I felt kind of bad shooting my own daddy. I ain't gonna feel nothing shooting you. Jason: Put the gun down, Felton. Nobody needs to get hurt. Felton: Maybe I like hurting people. Jason: That's the blood talking. Look at me. I've been there, man. It's lying to you. You don't wanna hurt anybody. Felton: You don't know what I want! Jason: I know you want more V. And ain't nobody here gonna try to stop you from taking it with you. Felton: Say goodbye to my woman, 'cause she's coming with me. Jason: No, she ain't. Felton: She can either get in that truck by herself or I can shoot you and put her in it. Her choice. Crystal: I have to. Jason: No, don't. Felton: Ten! Jason: Listen, when he shoots me, you change and you run and you don't look back. Felton: Nine. Crystal: This is what I was born for. This is what's in store for me. Jason: You know that's not true. Felton: Who'll keep me from shooting him and dragging you off anyway? Crystal: Because I know you ain't all bad. I know you wouldn't do that to these women and kids. You know, with you and Daddy both gone, well, somebody gotta take care of everybody that's left. And that somebody is you. Jason: Tell me how to. Crystal: You just help 'em, however you can. If this is the last time I ever see you... Jason: I will find you. I promise. Crystal: I'm so sorry, Jason. Jason: Don't you worry about your people. You just stay safe. Crystal: I love you. Felton: She worth it? Jason: Okay. Everybody... my name is Jason. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 14: Letti Mae's house - Tara, Letti Mae, Reverend Daniels Tara: Mama. Letti Mae: Baby? Tara Mae? Baby? Don't come in here. Tara: Reverend Daniels? Reverend: Uh, hello. I-I spilled some lemonade on my pants. Letti Mae: Baby, it ain't what it look like. Reverend: Yeah. Your mother was just helping me with my sermon when I spilled the lemonade. Letti Mae: Tara Mae. I know this is embarrassing, but... Tara: Does his wife know? His kids? Letti Mae: He gonna tell them. Soon. Tara: Soon. Letti Mae: He loves me. He gonna leave his wife. He just needs time. I'm in love. Be happy for me. Tara: God knows I don't have any business judging anybody, but aren't you sick of this? Tara: Don't you want to change your life while you got time? Letti Mae: I am changing. I'm gonna be a minister's wife. I'm gonna be happy at last. Tara: Good luck, Mama. I really hope you will be. Scene 15: Merlotte's - Sam, Arlene, Rene, Lafayette, Terry, Jesus Sam: Tommy! Arlene: I don't know if I can put with Sam being an asshole again today. Not after everything I've been through in the last 24 hours. Rene: I'm inside her right now. She can't get rid of me. Lafayette hearing Arlene: This is hell. We're in hell. Terry: Are you crazy? You should not be working. Arlene: We need the money. Terry: Do you wanna lose this baby? Arlene: Of course not. Lafayette: I am seeing things. Bad things. Jesus on the phone: What kind of things? Lafaytte: Blood. Ghosts. I saw a monster head on you. Jesus: Look, where are you right now? Lafayette: Merlotte's. Am I schizophrenic like my mama? Jesus: Look, I'm gonna be there as soon as I can, okay? I'm leaving right now. Lafayette: Okay. Okay. Hurry up, please. Hurry up. Scene 16: Fangtasia - Sookie, Russell, Ginger, Alcide, Eric, Pam, Bill Russell: Hear that? That's my wolves coming to rescue me. Ginger: Are you sure you're not hungry? I could make you a peanut butter and butter sandwich. No? Ah. Alcide comes in. Russell: Could you please not do that? Sookie: How did you know to come for me? Alcide: Here because Eric called me. Said he needed my help with something. Promised to settle all my dad's debts. Sookie: Oh. Alcide: Why? You in trouble again? Sookie: When am I not in trouble? Is Janice okay? Alcide: My whole family's okay, knock on wood. Debbie's gone missing, though. I've been thinking about you. A lot. Sookie: That's nice, I guess. Alcide: I even had a couple dreams about you. Sookie: Alcide. Alcide: No. I'm just saying, it sure is good to see you again. I'd have hated if we never saw each other again. Sookie: Don't, okay? Don't be such a good guy right now. Alcide: I can't help it if I'm a good guy. Russell: Yet every full moon, he turns into a wolf and kills and eats his prey. Alcide: Rabbits and squirrels, not people. Russell: Details. Eric, Pam and Bill arrive. Eric: Good, you're here. Your truck out front? Alcide: Yup. Eric: Let's go. Got a lot to do. Bill: Sookie, stay here. Pam'll protect you. Sookie: Feel safer protecting myself, since I now know I'm basically vampire crack. By the way, I rescind the invitation to my house for all vampires present. So don't even think about following me home. Eric: Get up. Russell: I do not take orders from anybody. Eric: If you two have finished eye-fucking each other, can we go? Pam: Eric, do not bring that thing back inside this bar. Scene 17: Police station - Andy, DEA Agent, Jason Andy: That's all we need. Your so-called deputy here tipped the suspects off. Whole place was cleaned out. Nobody there except him and two dead guys. Jason: I told you, they was killed by Felton Norris, who then stole my truck, Louisiana license plate Larry-Charlie... ie-8-M-2. He took the V and his gun with him. Agent: Now I gotta call fcking New Orleans, tell 'em what a clusterfuck you got up here. Sons of bitches, backwater hicks. Where's my Luckies? Somebody bring me my Luckies. The agent leaves. Andy: Nice. Way you just fcked yourself and me both, that's pretty impressive. And thanks f spilling the beans about Eggs to Tara. Jason: Andy, this ain't about us. There are bigger things. Andy: Like what? A girl? Jason: Like a whole lot of other people who ain't reliable to fend for themselves. Andy: Well, I hope you realize you just screwed your one chance of ever making something of yourself. Jason: Sometimes the right thing to do is the wrong thing. And I know I did the right thing. Scene 18: Merlotte's - Lafayette, Jesus Jesus: Come here, come here. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. Lafayette: What the fck is happening to me, Jesus? My first memory is of my mama talking to Mtherfckers who wasn't there. Is... ? Is that what's happening to me? Jesus: I don't think so. All right? I really don't. I think you just opened up something inside you. You're just much more sensitive now. Lafayette: I don't want to be sensitive to that sh1t. I want it as far away from me as it can be. Jesus: Listen to me, Lafayette. Look. When my TÃ-o Luca started teaching me magic, I was in a sweat lodge for three days, and the earth started talking to me, literally, with multiple faces. Lafayette: This sh1t don't make me feel better. Jesus: After, I started seeing things that people wanted to hide. But i-it wore off. Or I just got used to it, I don't know. Lafayette: Now, wait a minute. You said somebody taught you magic? Jesus: Yeah. You kind of need to be taught. Lafayette: What are you? Huh? Jesus: I'm a brujo. A witch. Lafayette: You're a witch. You're a witch who's a nurse who's a dude. Oh, well, sh1t, I guess I lucked out, then, huh? Scene 19: Sookie's house - Tara, Sookie Tara cuts her hair. She goes downstairs when Sookie arrives home. Sookie: Oh, my God. I love it. Tara: Really? I just needed to make a change. Sookie: Change is good. Tara: Feels like forever since we just hung out. Sookie: It has been forever. Tara: I've been such a bitch to you. Sookie: Hey, don't beat yourself up, not after everything you've been through. I hate being mad at you. Tara: I know. You're basically my sister. We shouldn't be mad at each other. What the hell happened up in your bedroom? Sookie: You don't even wanna know. Tara: Vampire? Sookie: Werewolf. Tara: I'm gonna run over to Merlotte's for a little while. I need to see Lafayette. Sookie: Will I see you later? Tara: Yeah. I won't be gone long. Sookie: Good, 'cause I don't wanna be alone right now. Tara: Bye. Scene 20: An empty place - Alcide, Eric, Bill, Russell, Godric, a man Alcide: We're done now, right? My dad's out of debt. You leave him and my family alone. Alcide leaves. Russell: Just kill me, Viking. Take your fcking revenge. Eric: That was the original plan. Then I was thinking, how do I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that you won't find some sort of peace afterwards? Russell: Heaven. Oh, dear. Godric: Everyone deserves peace, Eric. Eric: I can't bear the thought of you finding any redemption. Bill: Wrapped in silver, encased in concrete. You won't be going anywhere for at least a hundred years. Russell: A hundred years, that's nothing to me. That's a nap. Eric: That's 100 years with no escape from your grief. No escape from knowing I took what you love most and you will never get it back. Bill: A hundred years during which you will go mad. Madder even than you are now. And you are as mad as a fcking hatter. Russell: A hundred years for me to plan exactly how I'm gonna kill you both! Eric: Have fun. Godric: You make me bleed, my child. So much hatred. Eric: This is who I am, Godric. This is what you made! Russell: Do you not see that he is the one who is mad? Speaking to phantoms? Bill: All I can see is how utterly powerless you are knowing that you're about to be buried alive. And honestly, it's a thing of great beauty. Russell: You will regret this. Eric: Maybe. But right now, it feels fcking good. Bill: When fate presents one with such a grand opportunity, what else is one to do? Bill pushes Eric in a whole and makes a phone call. Man on the phone: This is Ruben. Bill: It's Northman. I want you to find my progeny, Pam, and kill her. Now. Scene 21: Hoyt's house - Hoyt, Jessica Hoyt: Ah. No peeking. And no using special vampire powers, either. Jessica: Okay. Hoyt: Easy, easy. I gotcha. All right. A little dip. There we go. Would you please come in? Ooh. Jessica: It smells funny. Hoyt. Hoyt: I hope you like it. I already paid the deposit. Jessica: It's totally cute. No, I mean, it could be really cute. Can you paint it? Hoyt: Oh, of course. Gonna do all kinds of stuff. But, uh, building a totally tricked-out hidey-hole for you is first on the list, though. Jessica: You wanna live together? Hoyt: I wanna marry you. Jessica: But... Uh, we can't. Hoyt: Says who? People become ministers on the Internet. So, what's to keep me from becoming a minister and marrying us myself? Jessica: I love you so much. I don't know what I'd do without you. Hoyt: Well, it's lucky for you you'll never have to find out. Scene 22: Sookie's house - Sookie, Bill, Eric Bill: We must talk. Sookie: Come in. Bill: Russell is gone. Sookie: Thank God for small favors. Bill: Eric as well. Sookie: What? Bill: I ended him. Sookie: Why? Bill: He tasted you. He knew what you are. Even if we are to go our separate ways, I will make sure that you are safe. Sookie: But Eric would never... Bill: Sookie, most vampires are not like me. Even if holding themselves back occurred to them, they would probably not be able to. I'm not taking any chances. I intend to bring the true death to all that have tasted you and know what you are. Sookie: Russell, Eric... Bill: Pam, the queen, and any who discover it in the future. I will do anything to keep you safe, even if it means me not being a part of your life. This I swear to you. I have never loved, nor will I ever love, as I have loved you. Sookie: Wait. Don't go. Eric: Did you tell her you were originally sent by the Queen of Louisiana to procure her because of what she might be? Sookie: What? Bill: I did not know why she wanted you. As I grew to know you, I purposely kept you from her. Sookie: Were you ever gonna tell me? Bill: I hoped to someday. I swear it. Eric: What about you letting two psychos beat her within an inch of her life so you could feed her your blood the night you met? Think she'll forgive you for that? Sookie: Oh, my God. Bill: Sookie... Sookie: Is it true? Bill: Yes. Eric: He tried to silence me tonight so you would never know. He doesn't wanna protect you. He only wants to protect himself. Sookie: Get out of my house. Bill: Please! Sookie: Don't ever come here. Don't ever call me. Don't ever talk to me. Ever. You manipulated me into falling in love with you. Bill: It is who you are, Sookie, not what you are, that I love, and will love always, until I meet the true death. Sookie: Love?! You don't even get to use that word. I rescind my invitation. Bill: No! Eric: I want my phone back. Sookie: You too. Get the fck off my porch and out of my life. Eric: For the record, I would never have given you to Russell. Sookie: Go back to hell where you came from, you fcking dead piece of sh1t. Eric: I'm sorry to see you suffer like this, but I thought you had the right to know. Scene 23: Fangtasia - Pam, Eric Pam: Did you kill him? Please tell me you killed him, because I will never get all the cement out of my hair. Eric: I gave him a much worse punishment. Pam: Ruben tried to kill me, by the way. I took him out. Eric: Oh, great. On top of everything, I'm out an assassin. Pam: I have zero patience with that sh1t. Scene 24: In the woods - Sam, Tommy Sam: Tommy, come back here! fck! Tommy: So now you're gonna shoot me? Sam: Give my money back. Tommy: fck you. You came along, changed my whole life. Took away everything I knew. And now you're just throwing me away like garbage. Sam: I think I might have saved your life, you stupid little sh1t. Tommy: Yeah, stupid. Good, rub it in! Sam: Just give me my money. Tommy: How am I supposed to live? Sam: Get a job. Tommy: I can't fcking read. Sam: Not my problem. Tommy: fck you. You ain't gonna shoot sh1t. Sam shoots on Tommy. Scene 25: Bill's house - Bill, Sophie-Anne Bill: Your Majesty. Sophie-Anne: Hm. We'll side step your recent defection. For now. Tell me, do I make a good widow? Bill: You are a vision. Sophie-Anne: Bill, don't be such a sourpuss. Aren't you the least bit excited? Russell is no more. Bill: I am pleased, yes. Sophie-Anne: Dear me. How dreary you are. All right, bring me the girl. I have waited centuries to find a true fae. I can't wait to feel the sunlight on my skin again. Maybe I'll get a yacht. Bill: Sookie is not here. Yes, I brought you here under false pretenses. But I do have another surprise for you. Only one of us will leave this house. Sophie-Anne: You dare challenge me? I'm over twice your age. Bill: Yes. But I have nothing left to lose. Scene 26: In the cemetery - Sookie, Claudine Sookie: Gran, I am so lost. I followed my heart, but it led me down a dead-end road. I miss you so much. I've never felt so alone. And I've spent my whole life feeling alone. Claudine: Sookie. You're not alone. Come with us.	Plan: A: Sookie; Q: Who banishes Bill and Eric from her house? A: Eric; Q: Who tells Sookie that Bill was originally sent to Bon Temps to procure her for Sophie-Anne? A: Bill's protests; Q: What is the reason Sookie saves Eric from dying in sunlight? A: Bill; Q: Who invites Sophie-Anne to his home for a duel to the death? A: Russell; Q: Who does Sookie save from being buried alive? A: Fangtasia; Q: Where does Sookie tie Russell to a pole? A: Hoyt; Q: Who asks Jessica to marry him? A: an intervention; Q: What did Hoyt's mother and Summer stage to get Hoyt away from Jessica? A: his mother; Q: Who buys an anti-vampire rifle? A: Tara; Q: Who learns that Sam is a shapeshifter? A: Sam; Q: Who chases Tommy down? A: a minister; Q: Who is Tara's mother having an affair with? A: the Norris clan; Q: What clan does the DEA raid in Hotshot? A: Crystal convinces Jason; Q: Who convinces Jason to join her to warn the residents? A: Jason; Q: Who is left in charge of the defenseless residents? A: Felton; Q: Who kills Calvin and takes the V? A: the defenseless residents; Q: What does Jason take care of after Felton leaves? A: Lafayette; Q: Who discovers that Jess is a brujo? A: concrete; Q: Where is Russell buried? A: Rattrays; Q: Who beat Sookie nearly to death? A: her his blood; Q: What did Bill want to feed Sophie-Anne? A: Tommy; Q: Who refuses to return Sam's money? A: Sookie's faerie heritage; Q: What does Bill vow to kill anyone who knows about? A: Gran's grave; Q: Where does Sookie go to accept Claudine's invitation to join her and the other faeries? Summary: Sookie saves Eric from dying in sunlight, despite Bill's protests. At Eric's insistence, Sookie saves Russell, and ties him to a pole inside Fangtasia. Hoyt's mother and Summer stage an intervention to get Hoyt away from Jessica, but it backfires and Hoyt asks Jessica to marry him. Sometime later, his mother buys an anti-vampire rifle. Tara not only learns that Sam is a shapeshifter but also discovers her mother is having an affair with a minister; she leaves Bon Temps. As the DEA stages a raid on the Norris clan in Hotshot, Crystal convinces Jason to join her to warn the residents. However Felton kills Calvin, takes the V, and leaves with Crystal, which leaves Jason in charge of the defenseless residents. Lafayette discovers that Jesús is a brujo (male witch). Bill and Eric bury Russell alive in concrete, but afterwards Bill throws Eric into another pit to do the same. Eric escapes and tells Sookie that Bill was originally sent to Bon Temps to procure her for Sophie-Anne and that he purposely allowed the Rattrays to beat her nearly to death so that he would be able to feed her his blood. Sookie banishes Bill and Eric from her house. Sam chases Tommy down but he refuses to return Sam's money. After vowing to kill anyone who knows about Sookie's faerie heritage, Bill invites Sophie-Anne to his home for a duel to the death. Sookie visits Gran's grave, where she accepts Claudine's invitation to join her and the other faeries to their world.
Millicent : I said terrible things to Alex. Millicent : I stole the dress from you, and I'm just sorry. Brooke : You are not my model any more. Clay : If you gonna sign with me, you need to know that I plan on falling completely and insanely in love with Quinn. Haley : The record company wants me to tour in support of my new album. I'm supposed to leave next week. Brooke : I think you should take another movie. Julian : And what about us? Brooke : I'm saying I need some time. Julian : Alex! Hey! Alex! Julian : Let's make our movie. Alexander : I'm Alexander Coyne. I'm your new designer. OUTSIDE Nathan : Don't call it a comeback. She's been here for years rockin' her peers and puttin' suckas in fear. Haley : I'm gonna knock you out. Jamie : Mama said knock you out. Haley : I'm gonna knock you out. Alls : Mama said knock you out. Okay. Jamie : Good luck, mom. Haley : Thanks, baby. Nathan : Good luck. Jamie : Remember it's Cleveland! Haley : * Be safe and close, darlin' * * your heart is precious to me * * when you are exploring, remember all you see * * is only the view of the world * * from your flying machine * * so distant you wander * * you've lost your way, it seems * * pretending you're happy * * nobody else believes * * you're ever going to come down * * from your flying machine * IN LOS ANGELES Brooke : Clothes For Bros, COB's first venture into men's design. And to help launch our new line, I'd like to introduce you to our new creative consultant, and my co-designer, Alexander Coyne. Alexander : Thank you, Brooke. Happy to be here. Haley : * That blackbird, that robin * * that tiny honeybee * * I miss you, my lover * * you've gone through space and time to search for... * AT THE DOCTOR Doctor : So, how are you feeling today? Alex : Better than yesterday. Doctor : That's all you can ask for. Haley : * These days you aren't* keeping distinguished company * The blackbird, the robin, that tiny honeybee * * I miss you, my lover * * You've gone through space and time * * To search for another * * won't you... * * Leave all the others behind * OUTISIDE Julian : You're good. So am I. Haley : * Hold onto your hats, watch out for black cats * * all this bewitching has taken my lover away * * you're just precious to me * * when you are exploring, remember all you see * * is only the view of the world from your flying machine * AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Haley : Six weeks of mail. Six weeks of junk. Jamie : See, this is the inside of the tour bus. And I had a bunk bed with a pull-down TV. And one night they made me an honorary roadie. Quinn : Whoa! Jamie : Us roadies do all the real work. Haley : Hey, I heard that. Quinn : This is so cool, Jamie. Jamie : So, are you coming to the show tonight? It's the last one. Quinn : You bet I am. Jamie : Cool. You can meet my road dogs. Quinn : See you later, buddy. Haley : I swear he'd rather live on that tour bus. That's for you. AT CLOTHES OVER BROS Calliope : Coffee black 2 sugars Victoria : Tastes like three. Uh... Calliope : Calliope. Victoria : God bless you. Um, my daughter is flying back today. We need to make a good impression, like answering the phone. Calliope : Oh, of course, Ms. Davis. Victoria : The phone. Answer it. Calliope : Oh! Yes. Clothes Over Bros. Calliope : Millicent? I'm sorry, she doesn't work here anymore. IN FRONT OF THE COURT Judge : Millicent Huxtable, you are before this court on a drunk-driving charge. Driving drunk is a selfish crime, and this court has no tolerance for it. You are heading down a dangerous path. Now, I understand you were just recently fired. You don't have a job... Victoria : Your Honor... She does have a job. She works for me. AT THE AIRPORT Brooke : You work for me, remember? Alexander : I know, boss. I just... I think the board liked me better. Brooke : They like your track record of making a butt-load of money, and... Julian? Julian : Brooke. Brooke : Hi. Julian : Hi. Alexander : Hi. Alexander Coyne. Julian : Julian Baker. Brooke : It's... it's been... Julian : six weeks. We haven't talked in six weeks, Brooke. Brooke : How did you know I was coming home today? Julian : I'm okay. And I didn't. Brooke : Oh. Then why are you... Alex : Julian! Sorry. The flight was late. I swear that ratty airline blanket gave me cooties. Brooke : Of course. Alex : Hey, Brooke. Brooke : Alex. Bye, Julian. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Quinn : See. I told you. No spiders... nothing. Haley : I'm sorry. I just haven't slept in this bed in weeks. Quinn : Ugh, it happened one time when we got home from sleepaway camp. Haley : One time, eight legs, and a friggin' hundred nightmares later! Ugh, bed, I've missed you. Quinn : I missed my favorite baby sis! Haley : So... the thing in the mail... is that what I think it is? Quinn : Yeah. I'm divorced... officially. Haley : Are you okay? Quinn : I've been divorced for a while now. The paper just makes it official. Haley : Clay probably makes it easier. What's up with you two? Quinn : We're good, you know? I haven't seen him in a couple of weeks. He's been out scouting, but we texted all the time. He comes home today. Haley : And you're totally nervous, because you're doing that "I like a boy" face twitch. Quinn : Face twitch. What... Haley : Like... Quinn : Shut up, Hales! Haley : It's cute, really. Quinn : Fine. Good luck with the black widow I saw on your pillow. Haley : What?! I hate you. ON THE STREET Millicent : I know you don't do something for nothing, so what do you want, Victoria? Victoria : I'm sorry, does that mean "thank you" in coke-whore land? Yes, I know about your little habit... And your sad, little compulsion to take dresses that don't belong to you. Are you still doing the drugs? Millicent : Today? No. Victoria : No or not yet? Millicent : Are we done here? Victoria : I'm sorry to hold you. You must have mirrors to clean. Look, I meant what I said in there. You can come back to Clothes over Bros... As my assistant. Millicent : Why would you help me? Victoria : Because, clearly, you need it. Look, it's a second chance, and believe me, they don't come around that often. The choice is yours. AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Nathan : Jamie, come on. Jamie : Sorry, dad. Had to get my tour-bus book to show Chuck and the guys. Bet they've never even see. Nathan : Clay! Clay : Hey, Nate. What's up, man? Jamie : Uncle Clay! Clay : What's up, buddy? Jamie : Aunt Quinn, uncle Clay's here! Dude, got to tell you about the tour. Later, okay? I'll be in the car, dad. Nathan : All right, Jamie. So, when'd you get in, man? Clay : Landed this morning. I wanted to deliver the endorsement contracts in person. Nathan : Oh... thanks, man. Clay : Just taking care of my client. Quinn : Clay, you're home! Clay : Hey, there. Nathan : Uh, well, Jamie's waiting. So, I... I better go. I'll see you guys. Clay : Bye, Nate. Quinn : Welcome home. AT CLOTHES OVER BROS Alexander : Oh well. I thinking we should celebrate Brooke : Oh. I'm more of a vodka girl, and we have a lot of work to do. Alexander : And we can do it later. Hey, we worked our asses off for six weeks, and the board loved the pitch. It's gonna be a hit. Oh, come on. A smile would be nice. Brooke : One sip. Hit me. Alexander : Um, so, what's the deal with you, that Julian guy, and the hot girl? Brooke : Do you like your job? Alexander : Uh, yeah. Brooke : Then don't call skanky Alex "the hot girl," and don't ask me about Julian. Alexander : Okay, sorry, it's just that, you know, we've been working together nonstop for weeks now, and all I know about you is that you like to order Chinese after midnight and you sketch well. You sketch great. Brooke : Really great. Alexander : Come on. my girlfriends all the time. Brooke : I would hardly call your one-night stands " girlfriends." And I don't want to talk. Okay? I want to work. It's what I do when I'm pissed off. Alexander : Yeah, well, especially with guys... hence the whole Clothes Over Bros empire. Look, Brooke, I know it's not my place, but, I mean, your work should be your passion, not a place you hide when your love life sucks. Brooke : Well, my sucky love life has made me a very rich girl... rich enough to afford you. So, how 'bout you help me and earn your keep? Alexander : Whatever you say, boss. Brooke : I like it when you call me "boss." Alexander : Well, I'm glad, boss. You know, that guy's a fool, by the way. That sucky love-life guy. I mean, what kind of idiot treats Brooke Davis poorly? AT THE HOTEL ROOM Alex : You've been so sweet to me. Thanks. Julian : First-class treatment for the star of my movie. I need you rested and ready to shoot next week. Alex : Aye aye, captain. Millicent : You're just a washed-up actress that's too dumb to realize she's chasing after a boy that has no interest in her. Julian : You okay? I could call room service, get you some food, tea. Alex : No, I'm fine. Just, uh... just taking it all in. Souvenirs from "Stupid land." Julian : I didn't mean to stare. Alex : It's okay. No more talk about me. I don't know if you know this, but I used to be self-centered. I was so "me, me, me, and my fab ass... me." Julian : I never noticed Okay, I'm gonna go, let you settle in. Uh, I'll be on my cell if you need... Alex : Don't worry. I'm good. I promise. Julian : Okay. Bye. Alex : Bye. Hey, Makenna. Where's the party? NEAR THE RIVER COURT Jamie : Life on the road was sweet. It was rock 'n' roll city to city, you know? Chillin' with my road dogs. One time, the bus driver even let me drive the bus. Andre : You told us. Chuck : Three times. You're on a loop, dude. Let's go. Jamie : Hey, where are you going? Chuck : Uh... karate practice. Like we do every Saturday. Our sensei is a time nazi. Alison : I'm glad you're back, Jamie. AT CLOTHES OVER BROS Julian : Welcome back. It would have been nice to get a call... E-mail, anything. Brooke : We're taking some time apart. Julian : And I backed off for six weeks, but... We need to talk now. We need to figure some things out together. If this is about you not being able to have kids, we should be talking about that. We should be talking about a lot of things. Brooke : Things like Alex? How is she, by the way? Seems to be on the mend. Julian : You want to talk about Alex? Okay. Brooke : You told me that you want to save her, like you couldn't save your mom. What am I supposed to do with that? Julian : Understand. Brooke : I can't! Julian : Oh, I see. So since you can't understand me working with Alex, you show up in town with some guy like we're playing a game? Brooke : I'm not playing a game. Julian : Really? You show up with a guy named Alexander. "Alex"? Right. No game here. Brooke : My mother hired Alexander. He is consulting on my men's line! That's it! Julian : Okay. I believe you. Imagine that. I believe you. Brooke : Do you think that this has been easy for me? Julian : How would I know, Brooke? You never talk to me about it! Brooke : I've tried... you know what? I can't do this. I have a lot of work to do today. Julian : Right. Of course. Clothes over bros. AT THE RIVER COURT Nathan : What happened to all your friends? Jamie : I don't know. I tried to tell them about my summer, but they shut me down. Nathan : Yeah? What did they do with their summer? Jamie : I don't know. Nathan : Did you ask, or did you do all the talking? Jamie : I guess I was bragging a little bit. Nathan : Yeah. Look, Jamie, you get to do a lot of cool stuff that other kids don't really get to do. NBA games. Rock tours. But the thing is, none of that stuff matters more than your friends. You know all my friends, right? They're pretty much all the same friends that I've had for a really long time. Jamie : Was Skills always bald? Nathan : Yeah. Pretty much. My point is, no matter how much cool stuff I get to do, none of it matters without my friends. All right? AT CLOTHES OVER BROS Haley : Knock, knock! Tickets, anyone? Brooke : Haley! Hey. You could have left these at will call. Haley : I can't leave a hug at will call. Missed you. Brooke : Missed you, too. Haley : So, excessive sketching. What's been going on? Brooke : Nothing. Haley : Brooke. Brooke : It's me and Julian. I... I thought that this time apart was gonna help, and I just feel stuck. Haley : Brooke, Julian loves you, and you love him. That is a good place to be stuck. Brooke : Yeah. But this thing with Alex, Hales... Did you ever doubt Nathan, even for a second, during that whole mess with Renee? Haley : I'm not proud of it, but, yeah, I did. And he kept telling me the whole time that it was nothing. Guess what... in the end, it was nothing. Brooke : Yeah, but you're Nathan and Haley. Haley : Brooke, I know trust has always been hard for you. But Alex isn't Peyton. And Julian is not Lucas. AT CLAY'S BEACH HOUSE Quinn : Want to know a secret? Clay : Huh? Quinn : I'm kind of nervous. Clay : Why? Quinn : I don't know. Because... 'cause I haven't seen you, and... You give me butterflies... there. I said it! Clay : I was nervous, too. Quinn : Really? Clay : Yeah. After that whole public declaration about falling insanely in love with you? Quinn : Great line, by the way. Clay : Really? I was afraid that might have freaked you out. Quinn : No. It was amazing... so romantic. And a big, huge moment. Clay : That totally freaked you out. Quinn : A little but only because it had the potential to be true. Or it has the potential to be true. Clay : I tell you what. Let's take things slow. No pressure. No more big public declarations. Let's start small... Like a date. Quinn : I could do a date. Clay : Good. And then after the date, we can fall insanely in love. Quinn : I could do that, too. What are you doing for lunch? AT THE BAR Victoria : Hello, Julian. I hear the chicken's good today. Julian : Brooke and I are taking some time apart. I don't need you pushing another guy on her. Victoria : I'm not pushing anything. Julian : Victoria... Victoria : Julian... I like you. But Brooke deserves to be with someone who has the good sense to want her over some no-talent actress. Well, if that's Alexander, then... Julian ; I'm not interested in Alex. Victoria : I've seen you with her. You may not be interested in her, but you like that she's interested in you. You want to stroke your ego? Don't break my daughter's heart to do it. Julian : Brooke's heart was already broken when I met her. But you know that since you broke it. I've been the one trying to mend it. Victoria : Well, right now, you're not doing a good job. You want Brooke? Stand up and be that hero that you put in all your movies. Fight for her. Julian : I have been. I can't fight for us by myself. Look... Victoria, I'm not the bad guy here. You want to help your daughter? Tell her that. AT THE PARTY Makenna : Hey, bitch. I thought you, like, died or something. Alex : No. That was your career. Makenna : Damn. It was a joke. Chill. Alex : Where's Millie? Makenna : I don't know. Call 1-800-snow nose. Millicent : What are you doing?! Alex : Taking you home. Millicent : Why? Alex : Because nobody did it for me. Let's go. Millicent : You did your good deed. Now you can go. Alex : No, I'm coming in. We need to talk. Millicent : Fine. Come in. Alex : My God, Millie! Millicent : Screw you, Alex. AT CLAY'S HOUSE Quinn : Wow. Olives, cheddar bunnies, and brownie bites. Clay :And root beer. Quinn : I am such a cheap first date. Clay :You know, I haven't been home in a few weeks. There wasn't a whole lot in the kitchen to work with. Quinn : Yeah, with this menu, you're not really gonna get a first-date kiss. Clay :So you kiss on the first date. Quinn : Never. Mnh-mnh. Clay :So you're a tease. Oh, and here I was saving the last brownie bite for you. Quinn : No, you don't! What... Clay : mm, mm, mm. Mmm! Mm-hmm. So good. So tell me... best first-date story. Quinn : Bobby Hobbs. I was 7, and he invited me over to play basketball in his driveway. I was a serious tomboy. When I got there, he slipped me a note that says, "will you be my girlfriend? Yes, no, maybe." Clay :Get her done, Bobby Hobbs! What? Game respects game. So what'd you say? Quinn : I said "yes." And then I beat him in "horse" and made him cry like a little girl. Clay :Remind me never to play ball with you. Quinn : So... Today at the house, you seemed kind of awkward around me in front of Nathan. Clay :Yeah, you know, I think it's best to keep it strictly professional around Nate. Quinn : Yeah, but you told him you plan on falling insanely in love with me. Okay. Doesn't mean I want to flaunt it in his face. It... it just felt weird, I guess. Quinn : Okay. But if we're gonna date, have to date outside of this little world here at the beach house. Clay :I know. You're right. You're beautiful, and you're right. Quinn : Besides, I hear they have way better food in the real world. AT CLOTHES OVR BROS Alexander : Okay, well, I'm gonna go to my hotel, check, get some sleep. Unless you want to grab dinner, maybe review the designs. Brooke : I can't. I have plans. Alexander : Oh, so, she doesn't just work. Well, you're just full of surprises, Ms. Davis. Brooke : Mm. Don't forget, we have a conference call with New York tomorrow morning, 10:00 a.m. Alexander : Got it. Got it, boss. Brooke : Attaboy. Alexander : By the way... I know I'm here for the "clothes" part, but I'm also a good listener... If you ever need to talk about the "bros" part... Victoria. Victoria : Alexander ...He seems interested. Brooke : Don't push, mom. It's just work. Victoria : Honey, I don't want you to be with Alexander. I want you to be happy. Do you still love Julian? Brooke : Of course. Victoria : Well, he came to see me today, and I told him to fight for you. But he has been fighting, hasn't he? Look... Don't let this "taking space" be a long way to "goodbye." Brooke : Bitchtoria is getting soft. Victoria : I know. It's a tragedy. Speaking of tragedies, I saw Millicent today, and I offered her a job. Brooke : Mom... Victoria : I know. You're disappointed in her. But I want to help. I feel... responsible. I was the one that called the police the night of the DUI. Brooke : Well, you weren't the one who made Millie get in the driver's seat and drive drunk! Mom, her getting pulled over that night might have saved someone's life! Victoria : Well, maybe this will help Millicent. You're right. Bitchtoria is really getting soft. AT THE HOTEL ROOM Millicent : Why are you still here? Alex : I'm staying until you talk to me. Millicent : Well, God, what do you want to talk about? I went to court today for a DUI, I snort powder up my nose. And I'm by myself. Mouth moved to L.A. Can't blame him, right? He gave me a million chances. Eventually, I guess I ran out. Alex : You never run out of chances as long as you give yourself one. Millicent : Wow. Nice. What "b" movie is that from? Alex : Rehab. The remake. Millicent : Well, good for you. You're happy and better, and I'm the screwed-up one! Brava, bitch! Alex : Be as nasty as you want. Be me. Don't care. I'm staying because I love you, and I'm not giving up on you. Millicent : Stop being nice to me! Stop trying to help me! I said you were washed up and stupid, and then you tried to kill yourself. I'm ... I'm sorry. Alex : That was my own fault... giving up because I thought that it would be easier. Is that what you're doing? Giving up? Millicent : I'm not as strong as you are, Alex. Alex : I'm not strong. But I'm... I'm here. And so are you, and we're gonna get you back to your old self. Millicent : I'm not sure I can get back there. Alex : Yes, you can. You just pick a place and you start. AT THE CONCERT Jamie : Whoo! Hey, guys. So, you know her as Haley James Scott, but to me, she's the coolest mom ever. Please welcome my mom! Haley : * The girl in the moon is alone * * with the stars and the spaceships * * the girl in the moon is alone * * and alive with the dust and the air * * nothing grows * * everything is moving * * but only goes in circles * * and no one to talk to is reason enough * * to be blue * ON BACKSTAGE Julian : Thanks. Alex : What are you doing here? Rehab for my rep. It's the hottest ticket in town. Not showing up is more cause for gossip. Julian : Oh. Okay. Well, uh... First day back. You hanging in there? Alex : I'm good. I, uh, I went to go see Millie. You ever feel like you just want to save somebody? Julian : I don't know. Maybe. Alex : Well, you can't. I know. I got an "a" in rehab. Now I just got to apply it. I can Dr. Phil myself until I'm blue in the butt, but I have to get back out there, be around everything that tempts me, and learn to be okay without all the things I want but... can't have. Learn to be okay with everybody staring at these scars. Julian : Well, how about you get used to that one tomorrow? Here. Here, put it on. Let them stare at that. Alex : You don't have to do this. Julian : No, it's research for our movie. Your... your character loves to wear men's watches at concerts. Alex : No, she doesn't. Julian : Tonight she does. Haley : * The girl in the moon with her dreams* * has a steel-melting smile * * but the girl with the blues in the moon hasn't smiled in a long * * while blue, blue, blue * AT CLOTHES OVER BROS Victoria : Can I help you? Or are you gonna help yourself again? Millicent : Is the job still open? Victoria : I don't like to be made a fool of. Millicent : I know. Victoria : Very well. Then you can begin tonight. I don't know what "catastrophe" did with your filing system, but it's a mess. Millicent : Calliope is amazing. Victoria : She's no Millicent. Millicent : Thank you, Victoria. Victoria : Get to work. Haley : Blue, blue, blue OUTSIDE Quinn : You know, no matter how many times I see my sister, I am still blown away. Clay : Yeah, you James girls are pretty amazing. Quinn : Look at you, Mr. Smooth. Clay : Hey, I'm competing with the infamous Bobby Hobbs. Whatever happened to him, anyway? Quinn : My infamous sister Taylor. Long story. Definite fourth-date material. Nathan : Hey, Quinn. Clay. Clay : What's up, Nate? Nathan : Clay, can I talk to you for a sec? Clay : Sure. Yeah, can you give us a minute? Nathan : No problem. Clay : Is everything all right? Nathan : Yeah, everything's fine. I just wanted to talk to my friend. How was your trip, man? It's good. It's good. Nathan : Good. All right, look, Clay... I stayed with you because you are a good agent and you're a good friend. And I got the agent, but, uh, I miss my friend. Okay? Clay : Okay. Nathan : Oh, and stop being weird around Quinn in front of me. It's awkward. Clay : Yeah, I'm sorry about that, man. ON BACKSTAGE Jamie : Say "cheese," aunt Quinn. Quinn : Jame! Saw you rocking out in the crowd earlier. Nice! Jamie : Yeah. I got moves. Quinn : It runs in the family. Jamie : Really? Mama said you can't dance. Quinn : That's so not fair! So you're sad it's the last show? Jamie : No. I mean, it was fun for the summer. Now that I'm home, I miss it... I guess. My friends. My real life. I forgot how awesome it is. It feels so good to be home! Quinn : Yeah. It's good to have a home. Jamie : Yeah. It is. To the stage! Haley : * Many times I've tried to tell you * * many times I've cried alone * * always I'm surprised how well * * you cut my feelings to the bone * * don't want to leave you really * * I've invested too much time * * to give you up that easy * * to the doubts that complicate your mind * * we belong to the light, we belong to the thunder * * we belong to the sound of the words * * we've both fallen under * * whatever we deny or embrace... * AT THE CONCERT Brooke : Julian. Julian : Hi. Alex : Hey, here you go. Brooke : And Alex. Alex : You guys should talk. I'll... go. Brooke : All day long I've been trying to figure out how to get past the you-and-Alex thing, and here you are... Together. You are always together. Julian : Brooke, I bumped into her tonight. Brooke : Of course. Julian : It's always about Alex! Just stop it, Brooke! I will as soon as you stop acting like it's in my head! Brooke : It's not! Julian : Yes, it is! Brooke : I saw you with her in the hospital, sitting by her bed, holding her hand. That was not in my head! Julian : She tried to kill herself. I'm her friend. Brooke : It was more than that. I was there! Julian : How dare you? I am here in tree hill for you, and it's not good enough. You just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for this not to work. Brooke : I don't want to fight. I just wanted to talk. Julian : Yet here we are fighting. And I'm getting really tired of fighting. You know, maybe you're right. Maybe I'm the guy who needs to save people. That's my issue. But I'm also the guy who loves you. I'm the guy you pushed away when you found out you couldn't have kids. I'm the guy you can't trust no matter how much I tell you to. And that's your issue, Brooke. I'm never gonna be able to make that stop for you. Brooke : So what are you saying? Julian : I'm saying... maybe right now, you need to work on you, and I need to work on me. You've got your new line, and... I'm making a movie... with Alex. I should concentrate on that. Goodbye, Brooke. Haley : * I hear your voice inside me * * still you say, we belong to the light * * we belong to the thunder * * we belong to the sound of the words * * we've both fallen under * * whatever we deny or embrace, for worse or for better * * we belong * Quinn : Hey! How'd it go with Nate? Clay : Fine. Quinn : Told you. Clay : He did tell me to be good to you, but I think I can handle that. Quinn : You do? 'Cause I can be a handful, you know. And I can't dance. And I get things wrong all the time. Clay : Like? Quinn : Like kissing on the first date. I was wrong. Very wrong. Definitely wrong. ON BACKSTAGE Jamie : Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Haley : High five! Jamie : You were so good, mom! Haley : Thanks, honey! Ooh! Alison : Jamie! Chuck : Yo, you killed it, Ms. Scott! Haley : Yo, thanks, Chuck! Jamie : Hey, what are you guys doing here? Nathan : You wanted to get your friends backstage passes. Remember, Jame? Jamie : Oh, yeah. Chuck : Dude, thanks for the hook-up. Andre : You were right, Jamie. It's mad cool back here! Jamie : Yeah, especially over there. Andre : Sweet! Free food! Chuck : Sweet! Hot chicks! Jamie : Let me show you the bus. It's out back. Thanks, dad. I'm glad to be home. Nathan : All right, buddy. Ohh. Hey, you. Haley : Oh, it is good to be home! Oh, I can't wait to get in my own bed and sleep in tomorrow with the sweetest husband in the whole world. Nathan : Well, that sounds good, but you have an encore to do first. You better get out there. Haley : Okay. Okay. Nathan : Have fun. Haley : * Everybody else knows how this goes* AT CLOTHES OVER BROS Victoria : We'll be seeing you tomorrow... I hope. Millicent : See you tomorrow. Haley : * Everybody's got my number now * * maybe I could find a way out * * I've been running too long on this shift * * and I've been keeping on tabs on myself * * and now I'm cutting in close on my limit * ON THE CONCERT Nathan : Taylor. Taylor : Don't just stand there like we're not family. Surprised to see me, huh? Nathan : Uh, yeah, Haley didn't say you were coming. Taylor : 'Cause Hales didn't know. Nathan : Yeah, she definitely would have warned me about you. Taylor : Why? Still dreaming about me, there, Nate? They say you never forget your first. Nathan : Taylor... Taylor : So, is there room in that big superstar house for me and my boy? Unless you can think of somebody else who wants to sneak into my room. No? Okay. See you there, Nate. Haley : * think you can find me * * 'cause everybody else gave up a while ago * * I'm looking out, I'm looking out at gray skies * * I'm looking out, I'm looking out a hole * * you're never gonna be... * AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Quinn : See, aren't you glad we already did the whole first-date-kiss thing? 'Cause now we don't have to be nervous. Clay : Yeah... I'm still kind of nervous. See, I have this question. Quinn : "Will you be my girlfriend? Yes. No. Maybe." Let me think. Maybe. Yes. Clay : I'll see you tomorrow. Quinn : You better. Haley : * You're never gonna see until you see yourself * Quinn : Thanks for walking me to the door. AT THE HOTEL'S HALL Julian : Actually, I'm just staying down the hall till I find a place. So... Good night. Alex : Julian... how did we get the funding for the movie? Julian : We found a small production company. Alex : Oh. It's just kind of funny, don't you think? Right when I needed a break, it came. Julian : My father and I put up the money. Alex : Why would you do that? Julian : Because I believe in you. See you tomorrow. Alex : See you tomorrow. Haley : * You're never gonna be anybody else * * you're never gonna see until you see yourself * * so, come on, come on * * see how it goes * * come on, come on, take a deep breath * * and don't let go * AT SCOTT'S HOUSE Quinn : David. David : Quinn. Hey. Quinn : Uh... hey, David. Well, come in! Please. Haley : Yes, of course. Come in. Hey. It's good to see you. David : Good to see you. Haley : Oh, hey, Tay. You remember David. He's Quinny's ex-husband. Taylor : Oh, "ex-husband" is so yesterday. I prefer to call him my new boyfriend. So, which room's ours? ALEXANDER'S HOTEL ROOM Brooke : Hey. Alexander : Hey, Brooke. Brooke : Still want to have that dinner?	Plan: A: The Scott family; Q: Who joins Haley on her last leg of her tour? A: Brook; Q: Who and Julian reconnect after their 6-week break? A: Quinn; Q: Who does Clay try to move forward with after his public declaration of love? A: a post-rehab Alex; Q: Who tries to make amends with herself and the people she's let down? Summary: The Scott family joins Haley on the last leg of her tour, while Brook and Julian reconnect after their 6-week break. Clay and Quinn try to figure out how to move forward after his public declaration of love, and a post-rehab Alex tries to make amends with herself and the people she's let down.
[Scene: Joey and Audrey's dorm room. The room has been made up to be a set for a movie, and Dawson is making Oliver's film, with Audrey and Oliver staring. Pacey is the boom mic operator] Audrey: I know who you are. Oliver: You only just met me. Audrey: I know you're a snake and a con artist. I know you've slept your way through the entire female student body and half the faculty. The kind of boy who'll break your heart and then start in on your sister Oliver: Ahh. You must be confused. Understandable. It's a common affliction among blondes. Audrey: Ugh. Oliver: Truth is, I'm none of those things. Audrey: Oh, yeah? Then who are you? Oliver: I'm just the boy that's gonna tear your soul apart. [They kiss, and then Audrey pushes away.] Audrey: This is ridiculous. I can't do this. Dawson: Ah, cut. I guess. Audrey: Amateurs. I'm surrounded by amateurs. Dawson, will you just run with me here for a second. If I were a girl trying to seduce a boy-- and trust me, ok, I've been that girl many times-- I would never let him know how much I want him. Never. Ever. I mean, that's the exact moment when they lose interest. Sorry, it's just-- it's feeble writing. Oliver: Hey, hey. I'm right here. Dawson: We should've made the animated movie. Jen: Woulda-coulda-shoulda. Hmm. Dawson: All right. Audrey... You gotta penetrate the subtext, ok? Remember, she knows that he knows that she knows what kind of man he is. All right? So if he knows that she knows and she knows that he knows... See what I'm getting at? Audrey: Yeah. Dawson: All right. Great. All right. Let's shoot the scene before we get old and die in our sleep. Ok. Back to one, people. Pacey: Oh, I'm sorry. Dawson: Ah, Pace, if you don't swing the microphone, you run less of a risk of dipping into my shot, which, I think, would detract from the overall reality of the picture. Pacey: Gotcha. It'll be perfect this time. Dawson: All right. Picture's up. Ok. We are rolling. Marker. Jen: 27 apple, take 3. Dawson: And... Action. [Opening Credits] [Scene: Wilder's class. Professor Wilder is lecturing the class while Joey sits on listening to him.] Wilder: Overprotected remember, there is no distinction between writing a story and living your life. The same elements that make a moment in your life ignite, explode, move-- these same things make a scene in your writing have life. When a writer has evolved in their work, they've evolved as an individual. When the work is intense, it is because their life is intense. So the real question is, "what makes life intense?" Conflict. What is conflict? The essential conflict at the core of the artist? Uh, think of the movies you've seen, songs you've heard, books you've read. "To be or not to be." Bingo. In other words, your desires versus your ideals. Your head, or your heart. Can somebody give me an example, using their own life, of a conflict between their desires and their ideals? Joey: I have an example. Wilder: Out with it then. Joey: Well, it's um... It's about a guy. Wilder: Ah, of course. Isn't it always? Class: [Laughs] [bell rings] Wilder: oh, it's too bad. I was curious where your story was going. You'll have to share with us next week. "Same bat time. Same bat channel." [Scene: Outside on the campus grounds. Professor Wilder is just leaving the building when Joey comes running up to join him.] Joey: We need to talk. Wilder: We do? Joey: Yes. That was uncomfortable. Wilder: No, that was creative writing. "Uncomfortable" is taught down the hall on the left. Joey: There should be a word for people who use sarcasm as a defense mechanism. Wilder: There is. Sarcastic. Joey: I'm serious. Wilder: Are you ok? Joey: I'm fine. I... I mean, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little weirded out by recent events. Wilder: I'm sorry, Joey. I'm a creep. I... I've robbed you of your innocence, haven't I? Joey: No, you're not a creep. And don't say you're sorry, it makes me feel-- Wilder: cheap? Joey: No. Wilder: Dirty? Joey: No. Wilder: Ok, I'm gonna stop talking, because, obviously, there are some things you wanna say to me. Joey: Many things. Wilder: Ok... I can't promise I'll have all the answers. In fact, I can't promise I'll have any answers, but I'm willing to give it a shot. Joey: Thank you. Wilder: Whenever you're ready. Joey: You know, it's kind of a lotta pressure, and I seem to be freezing up, so can I do this another time? Wilder: Absolutely. [Scene: The Civilization. Pacey is alone in the kitchen making an omelet when Audrey comes into the kitchen.] Audrey: You slept here again last night, didn't you? Doesn't that, like, violate some sort of health code? Pacey: Good morning, Audrey. Now, I can only assume, since it's your day off, that you came down here for a little bit of playful banter and the opportunity to critique my personal hygiene. Which is sweet of you, but you really should have called first. Audrey: Can I have that omelet? Pacey: No. Audrey: We had plans, you know. You said you'd help me. Pacey: Uh, right. Refresh my memory, that was the breast exam, right? Audrey: No. Learning my lines for Dawson's movie. We talked about this last night, remember? Pacey: Only vaguely. And to tell you the god's honest, Audrey, now is really not the best time for me. [A girl comes into the kitchen] Rina: Good morning. What's for breakfast? Pacey: Audrey, I would like to introduce you to my good friend Gina. Rina: Excuse me? What? What's my name? Pacey: [Cough]-ina. Rina: My name is Rina. R-I-n-A. Pacey: Which is what I said, Rina. Didn't I say "Rina", Audrey? Audrey: You said "Gina." Pacey: Thank you. [Rina storms out of the kitchen and grabs her coat.] Pacey: Oh, come on, sweetheart, don't leave angry. Or, if you must, at least don't drive angry. Rina: Have a nice life, Stacey! [Rina storms out of the restaurant] Pacey: On second thought, the omelet's yours. [Scene: The Frat House. Jack comes out into the main room, where the rest of the frat is talking about plans for the day.] Polar bear: Jack. Jack: Morning. Ahem. Eric: How's it going, bro? Polar bear: We're hearing there's a kegger at the Kappa Mu Pi sorority. So those of you interested in getting some nooky this evening, we should meet back here at, let's say... 11:00? Break. [They all leave, and only Eric and Jack remain] Eric: You ok? Jack: Yeah. I'm good. Eric: You know, they're trying to make it up to you, you know? Smooth things over. Jack: I know. I know. Eric: You just gotta let 'em back in. Jack: Sounds good in theory, but it's hard to forget that night. I mean, you guys totally bailed on me. Eric: You stepped over the line in a big way that night, jack. Jack: I know. I just... I feel like that moment that I could have gracefully apologized has kinda passed me by. [Softly] every time I'm around these guys I feel like an idiot. Eric: Well, stop stressing. You are an idiot. Hmm? Jack: [Laughs] [Scene: Grams' Attic. Dawson is sitting down working on his laptop editing some of the clips they have already shot, when Jen comes upstairs.] Audrey: I know you're a snake and a con artist. I know you've slept your way through the entire female student body and almost half the faculty. The kind of boy who'll break your heart and then start in on your sister. [Turns Video off] Jen: good morning, sunshine. Dawson: It's overcast and grey. Jen: Hmm hmm hmm there, that's the spirit. Dawson: A week ago, I saw it very clearly. Now I look at it, and all I see are these huge, nightmarish obstacles. It's like, the movie's disappeared, just gotten lost somewhere along the way. I don't know. Or, maybe I have. Jen: It can't be that bad, can it? Dawson: [Laughs] not that bad? Ok, the ending doesn't work, but we have less than 12 hours to rewrite it because the lights they were gonna use for that particular sequence we only have rented until tomorrow morning. [Laughs] but the real punch line is, all of this pales in comparison to the real problem. Jen: Ok. What's the real problem? Dawson: The real problem is that Oliver is without a doubt, the most pathetic excuse for a thespian that's ever been. [Sighs] ow! Jack and grams have more sexual chemistry than these two. [Oliver comes upstairs] Oliver: Hello, people. [Dawson and Jen are staring at them] What? What did I miss? Dawson: Have a seat, skipper. It's time for us to think about what's best for the movie. Oliver: I don't follow. Dawson: Having watched some of the footage, it's occurred to me... It's possible you're not the right actor for this particular role. Oliver: Hmm. Well, I'm thinking you're wrong. But on the other hand, you are the director, and if this behemoth has a prayer of getting done, it's gonna be because the final decision on everything, including the casting, came from you. Dawson: Really? You're ok with this? Oliver: On the flipside, we have to recast the part today if we're gonna shoot the finale tonight. Where are we gonna find an actor who fits the bill, you know? Somebody's who's... Sexy, charismatic and attractive. And not burdened with a soul. Dawson: Exactly. Where we gonna find a guy like that in 6 hours? Jen: [Laughs] I used to date him. Dawson: That's not a bad idea. Jen: Oh, yes it is. It's a terrible idea. And you would never make me do that, would you, Dawson? [Scene: Outside Charlie's Dorm room. Jen is getting up the strength to knock on the door.] Jen: [Groan] Charlie: [laughs] Jen Lindley. How ya been? Jen: Busy. Just trying to wrap my head around this whole "lemon diet coke" phenomenon. Charlie: I knew it. I knew you could never live without me. Jen: Hmm. Oh, on the contrary, I actually plan to spend the rest of my life living without you, Charlie, but... I need a favor. Charlie: A favor? Now why on earth would I do you a favor? Jen: You get to make out with a really hot girl. Charlie: Ok. Step into my office [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Joey and Audrey's Dorm room. Audrey is in the room pacing when Joey comes storming into the room.] Joey: The guy is unbelievable. Audrey: I know. He couldn't even remember her first name. Not her last name-- her last name I might understand. I've slept with some guys whose last names have escaped me the morning after, but her first name? Joey: Who? Audrey: What? Wait... Who are you talking about? Joey: Wilder. Audrey: Right. Wilder. Unbelievable. Joey: So I'm standing there, completely ready to say everything I never said, and then he pulls this Jedi-mind-trick, and suddenly, I can't even remember who I am. Audrey: You're Joey potter. Joey: And I refuse to become another one of his groupies. You know, completely infatuated with the guy and reduced to a babbling idiot at the mere mention of his name. Audrey: May I, um... Be brutally honest? Joey: Like you've ever been anything but? Audrey: You are completely infatuated with him, and you have been reduced to a babbling idiot at the mere mention of his name. But I'm not so sure that's a bad thing. Joey: How could it not be a bad thing, Audrey? Once upon a time, I had this... Amazing mentor. Someone who believed in me and respected me and we were friends. Good friends. And, you know, whenever you would allude to some lurid affair between teacher and student, I would just dismiss it. Audrey: Well, the lady doth protest too much. Joey: I have to drop his class. I mean, should I drop his class? I don't know. Audrey: Are you asking for my advice, or are you just having a soliloquy here? Joey: What's the alternative? I spend the rest of the year angsting over some guy I can't be with? I mean, I've been there. It's excruciating. Audrey: Bunny... Breathe. Ask yourself something, when was the last time you felt as completely and totally alive as you do right now? [Both laugh] Joey: who were you talking about? [Groans] [Scene: The frat house. Jack is in the kitchen getting something to drink, when Eric comes into the kitchen.] Eric: Yo. Jack: Hey. Thought you were going with the other guys to the athletic center? Pick up on the gymnastics team? You know, teenage girls slamming their pelvises into the uneven bars at 80-miles-an-hour. I think that'd be right up your alley. Eric: No, I had work to do, so I figured I'd get started with putting it off. Jack: [Laughs] yeah. Procrastination... It's the only skill we ever learn in college. Eric: Ain't it a little early in the day to start knocking 'em back? Jack: Only if you're doing it alone. Besides, you and I have some unfinished business. Eric: Oh, do we? Jack: Yes, we do. Madden 2002. Eric: Ohhhh. Jack: Yeah, your patriots kicked my bears into a different time zone last time they met, and I think we're ready for some revenge. Eric: All right. Well, then get set for some disappointment, because we're gonna kick your ass some more. Jack: [Laughs] no, no. I don't think so [Scene: Grams' house. Charlie is auditioning for the movie, with Jen reading lines with him. Oliver and Dawson are watching on.] Jen: "you're falling in love with me." Charlie: "I can't say you're lacking for confidence." Jen: "That's not true." Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. "Doesn't change the fact that you're falling in love with me." Charlie: "Now how can you be so sure? "I mean, how do you know I'm not gonna just use you up "and throw you out. That's what I've always done." Jen: "You can sleep with..." Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah-- "not even you." Charlie: "I didn't know. I've never wanted anything like this before." Jen: Uh... "Neither have I." [Charlie goes to kiss her.] Jen: A world of pain. Charlie, one step closer, and you're entering a world of pain. Charlie: You know, Dawson, buddy, it's difficult to really become the character here when she is not giving me anything to work with. Jen: Acting tip: It's called using your imagination. Dawson: Ok. You know, I've seen enough. So, ah, Jen... Sweetheart. Um, Charlie, would you mind just... Stepping in the other room for a second. Charlie: Yeah. Oliver: So is this gonna be awkward for you, your girlfriend's ex starring in our flick? Dawson: I'm running out of options here. Oliver: I gotta say... He's pretty decent. I mean... If you're going for the brutally handsome, rippling abs, Tony Scott-version of me, he's about as good as we're gonna get, right? Dawson: Right. Yeah. Ok, so we use him. Oliver: Yes. Problem solved. Dawson: Ok. Now all I have to do is overhaul the ending and we might get this done. Oliver: [Laughs] heavens to Betsy. First, you take away my starring role, and now you want to rewrite my ending? Dawson: It doesn't make sense. Oliver: Actually, it's friggin' brilliant. First, she breaks up with him, breaks his heart, then he blow her away with a .22. Poetic justice. Dawson: I used to think it was great. It was perfect. But... Having seen the footage-- yada, yada, yada. [Charlie comes back to join them] Charlie: So... Did I get the part, or what? Dawson: Well, that depends. Can you learn your lines in 3 hours? Oliver: Uh, better make that 2. Dawson: Hmm. All right. [Scene: Jack and Eric's Room. They have just finished playing a game, and are still sitting on the floor in front of the TV.] Eric: All my dudes, they go to these parties every night looking for their next girlfriend. And for what? Huh? So they can have some chick who's gonna bitch and moan at 'em in the morning? You know, and make them watch Notting Hill over and over again? No. Forget that. They can keep their keg. [Both laugh] Jack: I liked Notting hill. [Both laugh] Eric: dude. Jack: Yeah? Eric: What was it like when you realized you were gay? Jack: Well, it wasn't like that, you know? It wasn't like I woke up one morning from a especially nasty dream about Robert Downey jr. And I said to myself, "hey, I must be gay." Well, what was it like? [Sighs] well, you know... So many people just... They spend so much of their lives just locked up in this cage inside themselves. And they never even know that they have the key all along. That's how it was for me. I can't tell you when I first realized it, you know. I don't know. At some level, I think I've always known it. Probably just like you've always known you're straight. It wasn't about realizing that I was gay, it was about realizing that it was all right. Eric: You're an amazing guy, jack. You know that? You really are. [Sighs] you're the kind of guy that I wanna be. [Eric leans in like he is going to kiss Jack.] Jack: Um... Do you, uh... Do you wanna watch some more TV? I, uh...I-I-I think the world's most horrifying bungee-accidents is on. Eric: Um... No, I have work to do. Jack: Come on, man. You're not gonna-- you're not gonna do it now. Eric: Yeah. I have to. Ok? I'm--I'm--I'm gonna go. Ok? Jack: Yeah, I'll see ya. [Scene: Wilder's House. He is sitting at his desk working on his laptop, when he looks out the window and sees Joey pacing back and forth on the sidewalk.] Wilder: Hey. You selling girl scout cookies? Do you have any of the coconut ones with the chocolate and the caramel? I love those. Joey: Actually, I figured out what I want to say. Wilder: Excellent. I'll alert the media. Joey: Do you think it'd be possible to lose the obnoxious glib for 5 seconds? Wilder: Yes. Yes, of course. It is possible. Sure. I'm sorry. Go ahead. Joey: Uh... I want to say... I'm sorry you kissed me. Wilder: Oh, my god, Joey, I can't even begin to apologize about that. Joey: I'm not here for an apology. I didn't want one that night, I don't want one now. Well...In a minute, I'm going to walk over there to where you are and, um, I'm gonna shake your hand in a very masculine way. We're gonna have this little silent understanding and then I'm just gonna turn around and walk away. Wilder: What about my class? Joey: Uh, I don't think I can be a part of it, not now. Wilder: Well, no great loss there. Joey: You know what? Screw you. Wilder: Clever, Joey. No. What I meant was you're gonna do great... With or without my workshop. Joey: Oh. That's what you meant. Wilder: Joey, you've got it. The gift. The touch. Whatever you want to call it. I don't. You do. It's a binary distinction. So all the washed up hacks turned English professors can wax poetic until the cows come home. In the end... Your talents and your instincts are the only things that really matter. Joey: You know, you're really annoying. 'Cause every time I'm ready to do the smart, sensible thing, you go and you say something that makes me... Wilder: Makes you what? Joey: Not want to go away. [Scene: Audrey and Joey's Dorm room. Pacey is lying down on Audrey's bed holding a script in his hands, while Audrey paces and it rehearsing.] Audrey: Ok. So, let's do it one more time, but this time, I'm not just gonna say the lines, I'm really gonna act them. Pacey: You warning me? Audrey: No. I just want you to pay attention so you can give me some notes. Pacey: Ok. Well, I'm ready. Audrey: Just give me a minute, ok, will ya? [] Bring it! Bring it! Bring it on! Bring it! Whew. []You're not so tough, you know. Pacey: Uh, "well, I picked the lock to get in here. That's pretty tough." Audrey: You're falling in love with me. Pacey: "I can't say you're lacking for confidence." Audrey: No. That's not true. I am lacking. I'm very insecure... But that doesn't change the fact that you're falling in love with me. Pacey: Uh... "How can you be so sure? "How do you know I'm not just gonna use you up "and throw you away? It's what I've always done." Audrey: You can sleep with all the right girls and take all the right drugs, but in the end... You'll still be alone. It doesn't matter what anybody says, gage. Nobody wants to be alone. Not even you. [They begin kissing and making out, when Audrey stops.] Audrey: Wait! Wait! I'm not gonna do this! Pacey: Uh, well, no, of course not. Me, neither. Audrey: Because... Because it would be wrong. Pacey: Well, it's obviously wrong. That's why we stopped. Audrey: So... So... [Sighs] do you have any notes? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The movie set. Audrey and Charlie are doing their parts, while Jen, Dawson and Oliver watch on and Pacey hold the boom mic.] Audrey: Cut. Cut. Dawson: Cut. Audrey: I'm sorry, ok? It's just that my co-star Charlie sheen over here, is ramming his tongue down my throat. Hey, I feel like he's looking for my diaphragm. Charlie: Foiled again. Dawson: Ok, we're gonna take it from, uh, just before the kiss. All right? And, uh, pace? I see the boom dip in and out of my frame, I begin to forget our friendship. Pacey: Ok. Dawson: All right. Picture's up. And marker. Oliver: 14 baker, take 12. Dawson: And...Action. Charlie: I didn't... I never wanted any... Audrey: I'm sorry. Can we do that different? Charlie: It just kind of got away from me. Dawson: Still rolling. Whenever you're ready. Audrey: I didn't know. I never wanted anything like this before. Charlie: Neither have I. Line. Jen: "I'm afraid of falling." Charlie: I'm afraid of-- would gage really say-- Audrey: for the love of god, just say it. Charlie: I'm afraid of falling. Audrey: Don't worry. I'll catch you. Dawson: And cut. [Audrey slaps Charlie upside the head] Charlie: Ow. Ow! She hit me on the ear. Audrey: I'm sorry. I can't work like this, ok? It's completely unprofessional. And it's just-- [Turns to Pacey]it's too intense with you standing right there next to me. You're a terrible boom operator. [Scene: inside Wilder's House. Joey and Prof. Wilder are sitting on the couch talking.] Joey: Do you remember that uncomfortable vibe you were sensing in class this morning? Wilder: Yes. It's a good thing we dealt with it. Joey: Yeah. It's a good thing, because now the 2 of us alone in your house-- I'm so relieved that there's no awkward tension. We can just relax. Wilder: Yeah, yeah. I've never been this relaxed. I--I might fall asleep. Joey: We're being sarcastic. Wilder: Look, Joey, the thing is-- the thing I wanted to say to you is I-- I can't afford to lose my job. Joey: That's the last thing that I want. Wilder: But it's important to me that you know that what happened between us-- I've never done anything like that before. Joey: I know. Wilder: You know, Joey potter, I-- I don't think I've ever met anyone like you. Joey: That's what all boys say. Wilder: Yeah? Well, they're right. Joey: I was being sarcastic again. Wanna hear my example? Wilder: Hmm? Joey: My example of an internal conflict between my ideals and desires. Wilder: Are you sure you don't wanna save it for class? Joey: I think I wanna run it by you first. Wilder: Fair enough. [They lean close and closer almost ready to kiss.] [Cell phone vibrating] Wilder: you're vibrating. Joey: Excuse me. [She answers the phone]Hello? Hi. What's going on? Right now? Yeah. I'll be right there. I have to go. Wilder: Ok. Joey: Sorry. Wilder: Don't be. Joey: Bye. [She leaves, but comes back in shortly and kisses him before leaving again.] [Scene: Jack's room. Two Frat members come into the room, where he is sitting down reading.] [Knock on door] Polar Bear: Eric told us what happened. Jack: What are you guys talking about? Polar Bear: Eric told us you tried to kiss him. Jack: You can't be serious. Oh, my god, you are. Blossom: Please don't waste everyone's time scrambling to deny it. It's better if you just admit the truth. Jack: You're right. Blossom: Thank you. Jack: 'Cause, you know, I was just nancying around my room in my thigh-highs, and I thought to myself, "I'm gonna lay a wet one on an unsuspecting fraternity brother, "because that's probably a great way to smooth things over with the house." Polar Bear: Jack... Jack: If you guys imagine just for a second that I would--could ever in a million years do anything like that to any one of you guys, then I guess you guys never knew me at all. Blossom: Wait a minute. You want us to believe that Eric, like, fabricated this whole thing? Jack: [Scoffs] no. What I'm saying is that I don't care, because it wouldn't matter if I did. You guys have already made up your minds. You know what? So have I. I'm moving out of the house tonight and I'm not coming back. Polar Bear: That's not what we want, jack. Jack: Well, with all due respect, my brothers, get out. [Scene: The movie set. Dawson is sitting kind of going nuts, when Pacey comes over to talk to him.] Pacey: So, Dawson, let's say that-- hypothetically speaking-- I might have some insight into why your ingénue is so exasperated today. And let's also say that--hypothetically speaking-- I might be mildly culpable for her exasperation. Which really isn't that important, actually, I'm sure it's nothing, so forget I mentioned it. Dawson: Pacey, my patience is wearing just a little bit thin. Pacey: Ok, well, uh, here's the thing. I kissed her. Dawson: You idiot. Didn't anybody ever tell you the first rule of the universe? Pacey: Uh, yeah. That energy is conserved. Dawson: First rule of the universe is never get involved with an actress. Pacey: Help. It's trying to think. Charlie: Look, I just wanted to offer a few ideas... Particularly in the way of my character. Jen: Are you seriously gonna give me a reason to slap the silly out of you?! Hey. Hey. Come on, slim. Come on! 'Cause I'm feelin' a little bit crazy today! Dawson: A little deep breath. Charlie: She's got moxie, that one. Jen: That is not-- who says moxie? [Softly] I'm sorry. Dawson: Quiet thoughts. Good thoughts. Jen: I'm ok. [Joey comes up to them] Joey: Hey, guys. Dawson: Joey. Not a moment too soon. Uh, take Pacey by force, if necessary, and extract Audrey from the bathroom. Joey: All right. Dawson: Oliver... Take Charlie, find a cozy little corner, and nod vaguely while he gives you his notes. Uh, Jen. Sweetheart, I don't want you to have an embolism. Jen: Dawson, he's evil. Isn't it entirely possible that he is the antichrist, packed into the body of a handsome musician? Dawson: I need you to do me a big favor. Jen: You want me to kill him. Dawson: I need you to go home. Right now. Just-- just gather your stuff and leave. It's the only way I'm gonna get this done. Jen: But who would do the clappy thing? Dawson: We'll manage. [Scene: Outside the bathroom. Joey and Pacey stop outside the door, where you can hear crying coming from inside.] Joey: Pace, why did Dawson insist you come along on this mission? Did something happen between you and Audrey? Pacey: No. No. Of course not. Because if something happened between me and Audrey, it would be a horrible, terrible, awful thing, right? Joey: Pacey, you're an idiot. Pacey: Ok. If one more person calls me an idiot, I'm really gonna start feeling bad about myself. Joey: Don't you think I'd prefer you hooking up with someone amazing like Audrey rather than some random ditz who's name you can't even remember in the morning? Pacey: I can remember her name. [Joey knocks on the door] Audrey: Go away. Severe flooding. Out of order. Joey: Audrey, it's me. I'm with Pacey. We're coming in. Pacey: What do you mean? I can't go in there. That's the ladies room. [She grabs his ear, and pulls him in with her.] Pacey: Joe--ow, ow, ow. [Sniffling] Joey: Audrey, you look great in that dress. Audrey: Really? No. Forget it. I don't deserve to talk to you. I don't even deserve to be in the same lavatory as you. Joey: Why, because you kissed Pacey? Audrey: What? You told her? How could you? Amateur. Joey: Audrey, Pacey didn't tell me. I intuited. Audrey: That's amazing, Joey. You're very intelligent. Next stop, rocket science. Joey: I'm not upset. Audrey: Well, you should be. Our friendship is like the special-est thing that I've found since I came here. And what do I do? I step on it. I betray you. Why? Because I am weak when it comes to men. Joey: You're not. Ok... Maybe you are weak. But kissing Pacey is not weak. In fact, it could be the smartest thing either one of you has done for a long time. Audrey: Really? You think? Joey: I love you. [To Audrey, then turns to Pacey.] I love you. I love you both in the best, simplest way, and all I care about is that you guys are happy. Audrey: You're like... Giving us permission? Joey: You don't need my permission. I'm giving you my blessing... For what it's worth. [Scene: The Frat house. Jack is carrying his bag towards the door, and notices Eric, and stops before opening the door to leave and addresses him without even turning to look at him.] Jack: I want you to listen to me closely, because you're never gonna get anything like this again. You know the truth. You know what really happened in that room and what didn't, and you're gonna have to live with that. And believe me when I tell you, Eric... You've got some serious issues to deal with, and you need some serious help. I really hope you find it. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The movie set. Dawson is sitting down alone, when Joey comes walking up to him.] Joey: this is kind of beautiful. Dawson: She says, as she exits camera right. Joey: So if there are no further crises you need me to bail you out of-- Dawson: not unless you can fix the ending. Joey: What's wrong with the ending? Dawson: I'm not even really sure that it's wrong. I'm just... Joey: unsure? Dawson: Yeah. Joey: Well, it's a love story, right? Dawson: Uh-huh. Joey: So do they end up happily ever after or not so much? Dawson: Not so much. He kills her. Joey: Oh. A little depressing. A little cynical for the Dawson I know. Dawson: Apparently, I'm in my dark period. Joey: If that's really true, why are you so reluctant to film it? Dawson: 'Cause part of me wishes I could still be that embarrassing, romantic kid. You know, the one who believed with such conviction in the gospel according to Spielberg. You know, I'm having trouble mustering anything resembling sentimentality or corn or... for lack of a better word, hope. Joey: I was at the bus station one time and someone had written these words on a bench: "Hope dies last." I always loved it. I think you're waiting for a sign. Dawson: I've been waiting. I'm freezing my ass off out here. Joey: Did it ever occur to you, Dawson leery, that maybe I'm the sign you're waiting for? It's gonna be ok... for all of us. [Scene: The bus stop. Jen comes walking down the street, when she notices Jack sitting along at night at the bus stop. Jen goes over and sits down next to him.] Jack: You alone? Jen: No. I got the Vienna boys choir with me. Jack: [Sighs] Can we put the biting sarcasm to rest? Jen: You waiting for a bus? Jack: Nope. I'm just sitting here being cold. Jen: [Sighs] What's happened to you? Jack: [Coughs] Oh, it's hard to say. I seem to remember the two of us hanging out in front of that coffee stand at the beginning of the year. Then "dumb guy with a dream" comes up and invites us to a fraternity party. Everything after that's kind of a blur. Jen, can I ask you a question? Jen: You can ask me a question. Jack: Did you like Notting hill? Jen: Are you kidding? I love that movie. Jack: [Sighs] Jen: [Laughs] [Scene: The movie set. Oliver comes over to Dawson while the others are in position. He points to the script he is carrying.] Oliver: You're right. The ending sucks. [Dawson looks at him, then has an idea. HE grabs the script and goes over to talk to Audrey.] Dawson: Audrey. Hey. All right. Ok. Here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna cut all this. We're just not gonna do it, ok? We're gonna keep this, we're gonna keep that, and we're gonna forget all about this. And we're gonna end it with that. Now when you do it, forget everything you've done up until this point. This is the moment where she lets down her defenses. It's not dry, it's not sardonic, it's just honest and it's vulnerable. Now, when you do it... [Whispering] Audrey: But doesn't that completely-- Dawson: shoot first, ask questions later. Audrey: Ok. Dawson: Frank, you ready? Frank: Ok. Dawson: Ok. We're gonna do this. And we're gonna do it in one shot. Think Orson Welles, touch of evil. Everybody knows where they are. Everybody knows exactly what they have to do. Let's be the ball, people. Picture's up. [Laughs] Rolling. Oliver: Scene 32, take 1. [Dawson laughing] Oliver: What? Dawson: And...action! Charlie: You ruined my life. You wrecked me! [Charlie takes a gun from the back of his pants, and ends up placing it in his front pocket as he notices Audrey changing the script.] Audrey: I know... and I'm sorry. I did a bad thing. I've done a lot of bad things in my life. I didn't have a choice. I had to do it, because it was all part of the trip. The journey... to this place, this moment, with you. The thing about life? You can't lose and you can't win... but you've got to try. Charlie: How do you-- Audrey: don't speak. Charlie: But-- Audrey: don't speak. [Audrey takes Charlie's hand and looks up as it starts to snow, and walks off into the dark together.] Dawson: [Laughs] Fade out. [Scene: The parking lot. Pacey and Audrey go walking towards Pacey's car.] Pacey: So, listen, I think I should probably apologize for what happened earlier up in your room. My mind just took a brief vacation to the Bahamas. I don't really know what came over me. Audrey: Yeah, um, me neither. It must have been the method. I've been watching a lot of James Lipton lately. Pacey: Yeah. That must be it, because, you know, now that we have her permission, the feeling is just-- Audrey: nope. You're not my type. []You're not my type. [] Pacey: You already said that. Audrey: I know. I'm just... convincing myself. [They kiss] Pacey: Well, how's that going for ya? Audrey: No, not so good. [They kiss again] Pacey: Not so good? Audrey: Uh-uh. Ok, I'm go-- I'm going home. Right now. Pacey: Good night. Audrey: Of course... I don't have a car, so... I'm gonna have to walk home. [They kiss again] Pacey: Well, no. We can't have that. You know, you were amazing out there tonight. Audrey: Was I? Pacey: Yes, you were. And then, of course, there's that-- that thing that you do. How do you do that thing? Audrey: What thing? Pacey: You smile and the whole world lights up. Audrey: Acting. Pacey: Hmm. Audrey: Beats the hell outta work. [Scene: The sidewalk along a side street. Joey comes walking up and sees a Sign with a Large T in a large circle. She begins making a snowball] Joey: 2-to-3 is the count. Bottom of the ninth, bases loaded, Sammy...something is up to bat. Potter's one last shot at immortality. The windup, the pitch. [She nails the center of the circle] Yaaah! And the crowd goes wild!	Plan: A: Directing Oliver's movie; Q: What is Dawson's most difficult task? A: an easy task; Q: What is directing Oliver's movie not? A: lead actress Audrey; Q: Who has complaints about Oliver's kissing skills? A: a terrible actor; Q: What did Dawson discover about Oliver? A: Jen's slimy ex; Q: Who is Charlie? A: the bill; Q: What does Charlie fit in the movie? A: a crisis; Q: What does Audrey have during the filming of Oliver's movie? A: the bathroom; Q: Where did Audrey lock herself in during the filming of Oliver's movie? A: Pacey; Q: Who did Audrey kiss during the filming of Oliver's movie? A: her best friend; Q: Who did Audrey feel she was betraying when she kissed Pacey? A: things; Q: What does Joey help Audrey and Pacey smooth over? A: her blessing; Q: What does Joey give Audrey and Pacey? A: Jack; Q: Who is fed up with his fraternity house and decides to move out? A: his friends; Q: Who is Jack fed up with? A: Eric; Q: Who is Jack accused of forcing on? Summary: Directing Oliver's movie is not an easy task. First, Dawson has to deal with lead actress Audrey who has complaints about Oliver's kissing skills. Then he has to recast the other lead role after discovering that Oliver is a terrible actor. Jen's slimy ex Charlie is the only one who fits the bill. During the shooting Audrey has a crisis and locks herself in the bathroom because she kissed Pacey and felt like she was betraying her best friend. Joey arrives to help smooth things over and gives Audrey and Pacey her blessing. Meanwhile, Jack is fed up with his friends and decides to move out of the fraternity house after he and Eric almost kiss and Jack is accused of forcing himself on Eric.
OPEN ON FRONT GROUNDS OF DRAGONFLY INN [Lorelai and Sookie stand near a woman holding two docile horses.] LORELAI: Oh, I love them. [petting the horses' noses] SOOKIE: Ooh, I love them, too. [also petting their noses] LORELAI: With an unbridled passion. Good one, huh? SOOKIE: I love horse humor. [giggles] WOMAN: These guys are the best I've got 'cause they're so sweet. LORELAI: Hey, Michel, come on over. Meet our two new employees. MICHEL: [standing far away] You know that I do not care for the animal kingdom. WOMAN: Do you want me to hold them for you? 'Cause I've got a couple of others interested. LORELAI: Oh, yes, definitely hold them. [dials number on cell phone] RORY'S VOICEMAIL MESSAGE: It's Rory, Talk please [beep] LORELAI: Hi, Rory, it's me. How's school? You learning stuff? Listen, we have the horses, Desdemona and Cletus, and the first two rides have to be me and you. And hopefully, you're over the time that I took you for the pony ride, and the pony was old and just sort of stopped and laid down, and you sort of rolled off into the ditch. It's really not likely to happen again. I promise. So, call me, call me. [puts phone away as Tom walks by] Hey, Tom, how do you like our new horses? TOM: Very fragrant. Follow me. LORELAI: [to horse] He's very busy. Don't judge him too harshly. CUT TO INTERIOR OF DRAGONFLY MID-CONSTRUCTION [Tom enters and catches workers standing idle.] TOM: Hey, guys, how's National Goof-off day going? That's what I thought. [Lorelai, Sookie and Michel join Tom] Now, we got downstairs hardware being delivered on Wednesday morning. SOOKIE: Yippee. [clapping hands with glee] TOM: Yeah, it excites me too. So, I think it would be exciting to have one of you here to see that it's the right stuff. Otherwise, things would come to a crashing halt. LORELAI: Oh boy, I got back to back meetings on Wednesday, and one of them is in Hartford. Sook? SOOKIE: I can be here. Oh no, I can't - Davey has a check up that morning. LORELAI: Can you move it? SOOKIE: This doctor's really booked. But I can try. LORELAI: That's okay. Michel? MICHEL: I'm at the Tally Rand making the money that keeps me from having to stand at expressway off-ramps selling bags of cherries. LORELAI: Okay. Oh well, I guess I can move some things around. I don't... [A phone rings in the background.] LORELAI: What is that? TOM: That's your phone. SOOKIE: Who's phone? Our phone? TOM: I installed it this morning. You wanted your phone up and running, right? To take reservations? SOOKIE: Oh, my God. [clapping hands] LORELAI: Our first reservation. MICHEL: Quick, quick, answer before they hang up. LORELAI: Hello? SOOKIE: Dragonfly, Dragonfly. MICHEL: Say Dragonfly Inn. LORELAI: I mean, Dragonfly Iinn, hello. [pause] Why, yes! We are taking reservations. Our opening day is May 6th. [pause] May 8th and 9th, okay, great. Let me just check. Let me check. [pause] Okay. [She searches for a scrap of paper to write the information on. Unable to find anything else, she uses a gum wrapper.] You got it, and you're getting our best room. Let me just get your information here. Yes. Okay. And your number? Mm-hmm. 7873. Okay. Got your name. Got your number. Got you down for the 8th and 9th. Thank you, Mr. Turner. See you then. [hangs up] We're up and running. SOOKIE: We're up and running! MICHEL: But you wrote it down on a gum wrapper. LORELAI: So? MICHEL: It's embarrassing. This is an historical document. SOOKIE: Who cares what she wrote it down on? [Lorelai smiles thoughtfully, looking at the gum wrapper.] MICHEL: Big Red wrapper. SOOKIE: Juicyfruit would have been better? MICHEL: Well, I'm going to go out and get a value pack for when things really start getting busy around here. [Lorelai smiles at the gum wrapper as Sookie and Michel bicker.] CUT TO YALE DORM HALLWAY [Rory is leaving a message on Lorelai's voicemail.] RORY: Mom, it's me, I left you a message at home, too. I love that you got horses. As far as that pony ride when I was a kid, you were forgetting one little tidbit there. That pony did not lie down. He died, okay? He died. And then the owner dragged him away by the back legs. Every time I use glue, I think of him. But I'll watch you ride, how's that? Call me back, bye. [She stops before her dorm door and pulls out keys. Just then, Lane exits the room.] LANE: What are you doing here? RORY: I live here. LANE: But you have game theory class in fifteen minutes. RORY: I just thought I would lie down and rest for a while. LANE: I knew it. You were up too late last night. I know I should have told you "lights out." RORY: I had to finish my paper. LANE: Your brain needs sleep. RORY: It can sleep when I finish my paper. LANE: And then there'll be another paper. RORY: Mom - LANE: You know what I mean. RORY: You look out for me. LANE: It's what I do. Okay, go lay down. RORY: Yes, ma'am. LANE: And stay off drugs. [Rory enters dorm room] RORY: Whoa, what's that smell? TANNA: It's the smoke from my soldering iron. I love it. I love burning things. I love the hot tip of my soldering iron as it liquefies metal and singes the wires - RORY: Honey, how long you been doing that? TANNA: [checks her watch] Three hours. RORY: [She removes the iron from Tanna's hand.] Take a break. [Paris enters] PARIS: Oh, good, you're all here, so we can clear this up. I found this lying around, and it must belong to one of you because who else would have clothing here? I ask you. [She holds up a shirt with the name Kleebold across the back.] Anyone? Anyone? JANET: Paris. PARIS: Anyone? You know, maybe I misspoke. It may not be a shirt. Anyone lose a car cover? Anyone? Anyone? JANET: Knock it off. PARIS: I'm just trying to find a nice way to tell you that your behemoth boyfriend is getting a little too comfortable around here. And I speak for everyone. RORY: Leave me out of this. TANNA: Me too, please. PARIS: I just don't want to walk into our bathroom and find him sitting on the john shooting up steroids. JANET: He does not take steroids. PARIS: You mean that unsightly girth is nature given? He must curse God nightly. JANET: Enough! PARIS: And the shirt -- stick a pole in it, and Cirque Du Soleil could start selling tickets. RORY: He's big, Paris. She got it. PARIS: And why does he have his name written on the back? So it's easy to check when he forgets it? Although if he checks it while he's wearing it, he'd have to look in a mirror, and then he'd probably think his name was Dlobeelk, and get confused all over again. JANET: Bitter little woman. PARIS: If he's gonna continue being an unwelcome guest in our place, I emphasize the word "our," keep him penned in your room. JANET: Jealousy doesn't become you, Paris. PARIS: What jealousy? RORY: Break it up, guys. JANET: Neither does makeup or a hairstyle. PARIS: Can it, Blondie. JANET: You drove your own boyfriend away, so you hate that anyone else has one. PARIS: Oh please. JANET: Yeah, why don't you go sit all alone in your room so you can start getting used to how the rest of your life's gonna be. PARIS: I'm not alone. JANET: Oh, really? Who do you have besides your poster of Noam Chomsky? PARIS: Who do I have? JANET: Yeah. [Paris begins to speak but falls silent.] That's what I thought. Very sad. [Janet exits to her bedroom. Paris stomps off to her own bedroom, followed by Rory.] PARIS: I'm gonna grab Barbie's neck and squeeze until her expandable hair falls out and she's dead, dead, dead. RORY: Are you staying in here, because I was gonna close my eyes for a little while. [sits down on bed] PARIS: I should just tell her Asher Fleming's my man so she can compare her circa 1972 Lou Ferrigno with him. RORY: Then tell her. Put this to rest. PARIS: You know we're keeping it on the down low. It's easier this way. You're the only person that knows. RORY: Then you're gonna have to swallow stuff like that and not let it get to you. PARIS: He smells. That fat tub of hers smells. RORY: Hey, did you keep your notes from when you took Major English Poets? PARIS: I've got them somewhere. RORY: Can I borrow them? PARIS: Sure. RORY: Great, 'cause that means I can skip a class this week. [lays down] Buys me two hours. PARIS: I taught Asher that phrase, "on the down low." He called it delightful. RORY: It's a delightful phrase. [settles deeper under bed covers] PARIS: You know, maybe it's not Janet's boyfriend I can't be around. Maybe I just can't be around boys, because I have a man. RORY: Yes, that's it. Resting now. CUT TO LORELAI AND RORY'S LIVING ROOM [The phone ringing rolls over to the answering machine.] LORELAI: [from upstairs] Wait, wait. LORELAI'S ANSWERING MACHINE: Hey, I've got nothing cute to say for my message. ...Oh, puppies. There, that's cute. Now leave yours. RORY: [voice on phone speaker] Hello? Pick up, pick up, pick up. LORELI: [from upstairs] Wait, I'm here. Wait. RORY: I'm running as we speak to not be late for my first official day as a full-fledged food-hall card swiper. That's right, I'm no longer a trainee. After one and a half hours of rigorous training, I am fully independent and in no need of supervision. Whoops, sorry. Just ran into somebody, and he's down. LORELAI: [from upstairs] Wait, hold it. I'm coming. RORY: I assume you're very proud of me. Talk to you later. LORELAI: [running down stairs] Rory, I'm here. [answering machine clicks] Ohh. Of course, you had to be in a big hurry. [calls Rory back and gets voice mail] RORY'S VOICE MAIL: It's Rory. Talk, please. LORELAI: Hi. Yeah, of course I'm proud. Card swiping -- who knew you had it in you? Not I. I'm sorry I can't be there to witness this moment. It's certainly as big a moment as, oh, your first baby step and your first fall on your face, which came back to back. Hopefully, somebody's taking lots of pictures. Call my cell or call me at Jason's. We gotta stop meeting like this, hon. Bye. CUT TO YALE CAFETERIA ENTRANCE [Rory sits at card swiping table studying and ignoring nearby students.] GLENN: Hey, Rory, if you're gonna completely ignore me, I might as well go hang out with my ex-girlfriend. Same thing. RORY: Oh, sorry, Glenn. [swipes his card through reader] GLENN: Everyone is going to be sorry one day -- everyone. [walks off] RORY: You really gotta stop watching "Taxi Driver," Glenn. [returns to studying - impatient student swipes her own card] Oh, did you want me to -- well, it works for me. [cell phone rings] Hello? CUT BETWEEN STARS HOLLOW SIDEWALK AND YALE CAFETERIA [Rory and Dean are on the phone together.] DEAN: Rory, hi, it's Dean. RORY: Dean, hi. DEAN: Bad time? RORY: No. I just thought you would be my mom, but my mom doesn't speak in a resonant basso profundo. DEAN: A what? [grinning] RORY: I'm babbling. DEAN: So I wanted to run something by you to see if it was okay. RORY: Sure. DEAN: You know the contractor, Tom? RORY: Grumpy puss? DEAN: That's him. He's offered me a job working on his crew. It's good pay. It's flexible hours. RORY: Excellent. DEAN: At the inn. Your mom's inn. Is that okay? RORY: The Dragonfly? DEAN: If it's not okay, I won't do it. RORY: Why wouldn't it be okay? DEAN: Well, it would occasionally put you and me around each other, and I didn't know how awkward that would be. RORY: No. Dean, it's fine. It wouldn't be awkward at all. DEAN: You're sure? RORY: Tom knows quality when he sees it -- take the job. DEAN: Good, I just didn't know where we stood after my wedding and all. RORY: Oh. DEAN: You guys didn't come. RORY: Yeah, I'm so sorry about that. DEAN: It was short notice. RORY: And we got jammed on some things. But you got our gift? DEAN: Yeah, Lindsay spins a salad in it every night. RORY: That's weird, considering we got you a toaster. DEAN: No, you didn't. [realizes she's kidding] RORY: I'm joshing ya. DEAN: So, I guess I'll take the job. RORY: Are you still going to school, too? DEAN: Part time, but everything's good. I've got a five-year plan. RORY: Five years. Cool. I've got about the next two and a half hours planned, and then there's just darkness and possibly some dragons. DEAN: Hey, I made the plunge. I got my own cellphone. RORY: I thought you sounded a little cellphone-y. DEAN: Lindsay and her mom got a good deal on a family plan, so I signed up. RORY: It was time. You know, I don't even know your number anymore. DEAN: I can give you this one. RORY: Actually, I can just save it. You are officially part of my phone log. DEAN: Good. [pause] Well, I'll let you go, and uh, I'll see you once in awhile. RORY: Inevitability. DEAN: And you'll have to tell me what that bass thing was that you said. RORY: Something to look forward to. DEAN: Bye. RORY: Bye. [looks up to see long line of students needing their ID cards swiped] Come on. Come on! Step up, step up. Don't be mice. CUT TO JASON'S BEDROOM [Lorelai is lying in bed, talking on her cell phone - business, Jason is pacing back and forth also talking on his cell phone - business] LORELAI: No, we did pick a tile for the bedroom suite bathroom. I distinctly remember. JASON: Uh-huh. Make it a semicolon before the clause about interest rates and keep reading. LORELAI: Eight weeks ago, ten weeks ago? JASON: No, it is okay to end a sentence with a preposition now. I read it in Safire's column. LORELAI: I remember the guy, I don't remember the tile. I do remember the color, white. JASON: Safire. He came up with nattering nabobs of negativism for Agnew. LORELAI: No, I meant the tile was white, but the guy was, too. JASON: Agnew was Nixon's vice president. You know we're getting a little off the subject. Can you just please keep reading? LORELAI: Over 200 shades of white? I did not know that. JASON: With sincerely yours, et cetera, forge my signature and get it out tonight. LORELAI: We'll look at the samples again and that's okay. JASON: I'll see you tomorrow, thank you. LORELAI: Thank you. All right, bye-bye. JASON: Okay, I am done. Uh, round two? [gets in bed] LORELAI: Well, this is very romantic. I mean, I'm over here arguing about tile, and you're over there arguing about William Safire. Whatever happened to the cigarette after sx? JASON: Oh no. Trust me, William Safire is much hotter. [They kiss.] LORELAI: We're the all-business corporate couple. JASON: Brought to you by Marriott. [A cell phone rings.] LORELAI: I gotta get that. JASON: Oh no, no, no, no, no. LORELAI: I told Rory to call me here. Hello? EMILY: Well, guess who's demanding we all make an appearance at lunch? LORELAI: Mom! EMILY: Your grandmother is coming back from Palm Beach. LORELAI: Uh-huh. [She climbs out of bed and begins dressing.] JASON: What are you doing? EMILY: Your father has to run over to her house to open it up for her, and then she will be coming over here for the evening to berate me and tell me that my couch has some sort of smell. LORELAI: Oh, well, that sounds fun. EMILY: She wants to have lunch -- sorry, a luncheon -- the day after tomorrow. You, me, your father, and apparently she wants to meet Jason. All we need is that filthy Eminem fellow to make it a perfect afternoon for me. LORELAI: Well, I'll try to track him down, Mom, but you know, he might be on tour or something. EMILY: Just be here and be on time, and get your hair cut. You looked like the bird lady from Mary Poppins the last time I saw you. LORELAI: Well, Mom, I've been very busy lately. EMILY: I don't care how busy you've been, Lorelai. If your hair looks a mess, it will be my fault, and I don't need that responsibility right now. I'll see you at noon. [hangs up] [Lorelai gets undressed.] JASON: What are you doing?I LORELAI: I'm getting undressed. JASON: You were already undressed. LORELAI: Well, my mother called. JASON: So? LORELAI: So, I can't talk to my mother naked. JASON: How would she know? LORELAI: She'd know. [gets into bed] JASON: Is it like a super power? She can hear naked people? LORELAI: Yes, she can. She can hear sin and depravity and all sorts of lustful things. JASON: Boy, do I wish I could get bitten by that radioactive spider. [leans over and kisses her] CUT TO DRAGONFLY INTERIOR CONSTRUCTION SITE [Lorelai talks on a cell phone.] LORELAI: Please, please, please try to work me in. My hair is long and unmanageable, and I need that scalp-massaging thing that Cindy does after she washes my hair. It makes me think I'm in Tahiti. SOOKIE: [rushes in excitedly] Hey! They put pipes in the kitchen. We're almost able to run water! LORELAI: Sookie, give me a second here. Is Cindy there -- she's usually able to work me in. I'm not trying to go around you. Cindy and I are old friends. SOOKIE: They are beautiful pipes. The pipes are really big! LORELAI: Sookie, the pipes will be there in two minutes? SOOKIE: Sure. [exits] LORELAI: Look, it won't take long. It's an easy cut. I'm very low maintenance. I might not seem like it now, but I'd be a delight to have in the place, and I'll even dry my own hair. I'll bring my own blow dryer, even. Yes? Tomorrow? Yes. Eleven o'clock, I'll be there. Thank you, thank you, thank you. DEAN: Hi, Lorelai. LORELAI: Hey, Dean. So you're working here? DEAN: Yeah, I thought maybe Rory would have told you. LORELAI: Oh, Rory and I keep missing each other. DEAN: Well, I'm here, and your hair looks fine to me. LORELAI: Oh, well, you're very kind. TOM: Lorelai, can I talk to you and Sookie over here for a minute? LORELAI: See ya. DEAN: Bye. LORELAI: [beckons] Sook? SOOKIE: Tom, I gotta tell ya, these pipes. LORELAI: She's very thrilled about the pipes. TOM: Yeah, they're terrific pipes, and you got that fancy sink coming in tomorrow morning. SOOKIE: And you told them they can't install it until I see it, right? Because I have very specific sink needs. TOM: They won't even leave it without your approval. [hesitates] Can you guys give us a little space here? [nearby workers walk off] LORELAI: You okay, Tom? TOM: This is kind of tricky. SOOKIE: What is? TOM: You know I like you two, right? LORELAI: We know that. SOOKIE: Sure. TOM: I gotta deal with a lot of jerks in my business, yelling at you when it's not your fault, bugging you about budget increases you got no control over. You don't do that. LORELAI: Uh-hm. TOM: You always smell good, too. That's a plus. So maybe the checks are getting lost in the mail. I'm guessing it's something like that. SOOKIE: The checks? What checks? Our checks? TOM: It's just, in the last few weeks, we've been having some cash flow issues. Oh, this is hard. SOOKIE: Are we not paying him? LORELAI: I've been wanting to talk to you about that, Tom. SOOKIE: [repeating] Are we not paying him? LORELAI: No, no. We're paying him, we're just not paying him the way we should be. It's been an avalanche lately. TOM: You got a lot of things happening here. Everything's going at once. SOOKIE: [panicking] I feel very antsy right now, like I just ate some dark chocolate and drank an espresso. LORELAI: [to Sookie] Okay. Let me talk to Tom for a second, hon. We'll clear it up, really. Go, go. [to Tom] Boy, I'm sorry about this, Tom. It's just been a deluge. TOM: It's the home stretch -- that's usually when a deluge hits. LORELAI: I was talking to the bank about a line of credit, but they didn't go for it. TOM: Banks suck. LORELAI: I meant to talk to you sooner. TOM: The thing is, if I don't get paid, I can't pay my guys, then they tend to stop showing up. LORELAI: So, uh, do you have to shut down? TOM: I can keep it going awhile longer. For the jerks, I'd shut down. You guys, nah. LORELAI: Thank you. Thanks, Tom. Now, hug, no hug? TOM: [uncomfortable] I'm kinda dirty. How about if you whistle at me later in front of the guys when I walk by? Drive 'em nuts. LORELAI: You got it. [Tom exits. Lorelai approaches Sookie.] Hey. I should have talked to you sooner. SOOKIE: Are we dead broke? LORELAI: Getting there. SOOKIE: Well, we'll start cutting corners. I mean, I don't need that big, fancy stove from France. We'll skip that. LORELAI: No way! SOOKIE: It's too expensive, and I don't want it that much. LORELAI: Sookie, you have four pictures in your wallet. One of Jackson, one of the baby, and two of that stove. You're getting that stove. But we could drop the horses. SOOKIE: Desi and Cletus, over my dead body. LORELAI: Well, the upkeep is astronomical. Maybe if we drop one of the horses. SOOKIE: And who's making that choice, Sophie? LORELAI: How about Jackson? Would he be willing to put up anything? SOOKIE: He just bought a bunch of new farm equipment. He's strapped. Are you suddenly on super-fantastic terms with your parents? LORELAI: If by fantastic, you mean are we as close as that one-armed surfer girl and the shark, then yes. SOOKIE: Then what about Luke? LORELAI: What about him? SOOKIE: He's offered before. LORELAI: Out of pity. SOOKIE: We're pretty damn pitiable right now. LORELAI: He's our friend. SOOKIE: He's more than that. And he's a hermit, so we know he's got money, and if he didn't want to lend it to you, he'd tell you to your face. LORELAI: That would be embarrassing. SOOKIE: More embarrassing than Tom almost crying because we're not paying him? LORELAI: No, I guess not. SOOKIE: I'll put my thinking cap on, you put yours on, and if we come up with someone better, we'll talk. But we'll keep Luke as a last resort. LORELAI: Last resort. CUT TO YALE DORM ROOM [Lane enters to hear arguing in the common room.] JANET: This is ridiculous, Paris. PARIS: He can sit in your room. JANET: I'm still getting ready! PARIS: Then he can sit in the hallway! ANDRE: What's your problem? PARIS: I'll tell you my problem, Andre. Last time you sat on our couch, your mesomorphic frame carved a four-foot crater in it. I felt like I was sitting in a bucket. JANET: You're so full of it, Paris. PARIS: Kids were skateboarding up and down it. Gandalf the Grey is still falling down it. It was a big hole. ANDRE: [to Janet] What does mesomorphic mean? PARIS: It means you've got a fat ass, pal. JANET: Just ignore her and sit, Klee. PARIS: Do not sit Klee. JANET: It's my place, too. PARIS: Yours, not that brobdingnagian twit. JANET: So every friend I bring here has to pass your a*l standards? PARIS: No, he just has to pass through the door without damaging the frame. JANET: Oh, forget it. Just come into my room, Klee. PARIS: Good! JANET: Got another hot night at the library planned, Paris? PARIS: He's still in here! JANET: There's nothing like the bitterness of the lonely. ANDRE: Yeah. PARIS: Nice addition, Potsie. JANET: Go put on your spinster dress. [exits with Andre] [Paris stomps off to her bedroom and slams the door. Lane quietly enters behind her.] PARIS: I'm moving or she is. One of us has gotta go. LANE: I really hate when you guys fight. PARIS: Calling me a spinster. I should stick a javelin in her brain. LANE: You should tell her about the professor, that would shut her up. PARIS: What? What did you say? LANE: Just that she thinks you're not dating, and you are. You are, aren't you? Asher Fleming? [A furious Paris exits, slamming the door.] CUT TO YALE CAFETERIA CARD SWIPING TABLE [Rory is swiping cards and talking on her cell phone.] RORY: So busy-busy. I know you are, too. And I think I'm coming down with swipe wrist. It's like carpal tunnel, only swipier. Call me if you have any suggestions on how to combat this or if you have Jerry Lewis' number, because maybe his next telethon should be for me. [Paris storms up to the table.] PARIS: Rory. RORY: Oh, geez. Paris, you scared me. PARIS: You told. Come here. RORY: I'm working. PARIS: Swipe 'em yourself, people. [pulls Rory aside] RORY: What? PARIS: You told Lane about me and Asher? RORY: What? PARIS: That was a secret between you and me. You're the only one I told. RORY: I just told Lane. PARIS: She was blabbing it around our suite. RORY: That doesn't sound like Lane. PARIS: She said it to me, so she probably told everyone. Who else did you blab it to? RORY: I didn't blab it. I just told Lane. PARIS: That's blabbing. RORY: Well, I told her before she had any connection to Yale. She wasn't living here. PARIS: She shouldn't be living here. RORY: What? PARIS: She knows too much. RORY: What are you going to do, kill her? PARIS: You didn't tell anyone else? RORY: No. PARIS: Your milk man, your minister? RORY: Just Lane, and I can tell her not to bring it up ever again, especially at Yale, especially in our room. PARIS: She shouldn't be here, Rory. RORY: It's just temporary. PARIS: That suite is crowded enough with the four of us, plus the Jolly Green Giant and everyone else passing through there. She's gotta go. RORY: You're just mad about what she said. PARIS: Janet and Tanna think so, too. RORY: No they don't. PARIS: We've talked. It's crowded. Ask them. RORY: I will. After my shift. PARIS: Look, I know you like having her around, that she brings back memories of those sunshiny Stars Hollow days when the two of you would hold hands, and skip through fields of wildflowers, and sing Carpenter songs, but she doesn't belong here, she belongs there. And do me a favor and stop blabbing. CUT TO DORM ROOM SOME TIME LATER [Rory enters. Tanna watches TV while Janet does sit-ups on the floor.] RORY: Hi. JANET: [breathless] Hi. TANNA: Hello. RORY: Hey, Janet? Could you stop sit-upping for a sec? JANET: I'm done. What's up? RORY: Well, Paris -- JANET: Ugh, don't talk to me about Paris. RORY: Yeah, I know, she said some stupid things. JANET: What a tremendous shock. RORY: Yeah, and I'm a little mad that she dragged you two into it. [Tanna switches off the TV.] TANNA: What did she drag us into? RORY: Well, she said that you guys weren't happy that Lane is still staying here, which is weird because Lane has been practically invisible. That is, when she's not cleaning the bathroom or picking up out here or bringing us coffee, et cetera, et cetera. And that's not true that you're tired of her being here, is it? That's just Paris? TANNA: Well, it is a little weird. RORY: It is? JANET: It's kind of close quarters in here. RORY: I know. TANNA: She doesn't go here. RORY: I know that, too. JANET: It's weird RORY: And you guys have all talked about it? JANET: A little -- we thought she'd be gone by now. TANNA: I'm not good at confrontations. JANET: Personally, I'd vote Paris out over Lane in a heartbeat, but Paris goes here. RORY: I see. TANNA: Are you mad? RORY: No, no. Carry on. [exits to her bedroom] CUT TO BEDROOM LANE: Hey, how was work? RORY: Fine, dull. LANE: You gonna study some more? RORY: I'm gonna have to. LANE: You look very serious. RORY: Yeah. LANE: Paris talk to you? RORY: Yeah. LANE: She was very mad. RORY: Yeah. LANE: I'm out, aren't I? It's okay. It couldn't last forever. It's time. RORY: It's not time. Let me talk to them again. LANE: No, it's time. I can't be here forever. I don't even go here. RORY: The janitor's always here. He doesn't go here. LANE: He works here. RORY: So get a job here. LANE: The jobs here are for the students. RORY: The janitor's not a student. LANE: You know what I mean. RORY: So enroll. LANE: Go to Yale? RORY: Or be a janitor. Yale, janitor, in a hundred years, we'll all be dead. It's all the same. LANE: No, this hasn't been fair to anyone here. I need to go. I'll go tomorrow morning. [starts packing] RORY: We used to talk about living together. Remember, when we were little? LANE: I know. RORY: It was going to be a house made of cheese. LANE: We had much debate about that. It was down to chocolate, cheese, or Brillo pads. RORY: Why Brillo pads? LANE: I think they just made us laugh. RORY: You brought Stars Hollow here. LANE: I'll visit. I promise. RORY: Good. LANE: Maybe one day we'll live in a house made of cheese. RORY: I hope so. CUT TO STARS HOLLOW HAIR SALON [Lorelai is seated at a shampoo sink having her hair rinsed.] LORELAI: Oh, I love shampoo sinks. They're like a hot tub for your head. Hey, listen, Lee Ann, don't tell Cindy, but you're better, much better. Those hands... [cell phone rings] Oh, no. Oh, no, not now. LEANNE: Ignore it. LORELAI: It could be my daughter. We've been missing each other for days. Sorry. Hello? No, this is she. No, no, Sookie's there. Yes, it was all arranged. Everywhere? You've looked everywhere? In the kitchen near the pipes? She loves those pipes. Did you look there? No, no, don't leave, please. I'll get someone down there to sign for it. Just please don't leave. I know. Ten minutes. Okay. [quickly dials number] Sookie, where are you? SOOKIE and JACKSON'S RECORDED VOICES: Hi, this is Sookie. And Jackson. And Davey. And Davey wants to say hello, too. Go ahead, Davey, say hello. Come on, say hi. Say hi. Oh, he's licking the phone. Don't lick the phone. Little peepers. Little peepers, does the phone taste good? LORELAI: Oh, for God's sake. SOOKIE AND JACKSON'S RECORDED VOICES: I think it tastes like candy. Do you want to say it tastes like candy, huh? Oh he waved! Okay, so here comes the beep. LORELAI: Shorten it, dq'd it, and call me back. [quickly dials another number - hair dripping] MICHEL: Tally Rand Hotel, may I help you? LORELAI: Micehel, good! Listen, emergency, can you -- MICHEL: You are not going to believe this. [whispers] Celine Dion is here. I'm not five feet away from her. LORELAI: Cool, Spiffy. Listen, is there any way you could -- MICHEL: Oh, my heart is pounding through my chest. She's so beautiful. LORELAI: Yeah, she's very pretty. Listen! MICHEL: She's lovelier in person than she is on TV, and so nice. LORELAI: I've only heard good things about her. Listen, can you please -- MICHEL: And I have a pimple today. Of all the days to have a pimple. LORELAI: Michel, listen. Can you get to the inn? It's really important, and Sookie didn't show, and I'm desperate. I can't get away. I've got wet hair. MICHEL: She sneezed. I should give her my hanky. LORELAI: Forget it. I'll talk to you later. [hangs up] Lee Ann, what can you do for my hair in two minutes? [Lee Ann stares] I figured. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO SOOKIE'S HOUSE INTERIOR [Loud Knocking] SOOKIE: Coming. [She shuffles sleepily down the hallway to the front door.] Okay, I'm coming. [opens door] LORELAI: You said you were gonna meet the sink guy at the inn. SOOKIE: I did? LORELAI: Yeah, Sookie, you did. You said you were going to meet him to approve the sink and sign for it? SOOKIE: Oh, Tom could have done that. LORELAI: No, Sookie, Tom couldn't have done that because you insisted that you had to approve the sink before it was installed. SOOKIE: I did? Oh, I did, didn't I? Oh, shoot, oh, shoot, oh, shoot, oh, sugar foot. LORELAI: If there was ever a time to use the real word, this would be it. SOOKIE: Well, just call them, have them deliver the sink tomorrow. LORELAI: No, no, Sookie, they can't deliver the sink tomorrow. SOOKIE: Why? LORELAI: Because they already sent it back to Canada. SOOKIE: Why would they do that? LORELAI: Because... that's where it's mother is. SOOKIE: I'm sorry, I got no sleep last night. Davey cried forever, and I finally got him to sleep, and I must have fallen asleep with him. LORELAI: Sookie, I was counting on you. Now they have to reship it back here, which means we have to repay the shipping fee. SOOKIE: Why didn't you call Michel? LORELAI: I did. He couldn't come. SOOKIE: You want coffee? I am so tired. This is so typical. He's always complaining about not being included, and then he finally gets a chance, and he won't come. LORELAI: Sookie, Michel has a job. We're not paying him. SOOKIE: I know, but still. LORELAI: Sookie -- stop, turn, look. What do you think of my hair? SOOKIE: Too much product? LORELAI: Sookie, for the past six weeks, I have taken every meeting. I have been at the inn round the clock - I haven't had a second for myself - and all I asked for was just one hour to get my hair done, and then two seconds into the shampoo I get a phone call from a guy who sounds like a "Kids in the Hall" character telling me I have to get to the inn to okay a sink that I wouldn't know how to okay because I don't know what makes it okay. You know what makes it okay, which is why you said you would be there to say whether or not it was okay. SOOKIE: Look, I said I'm sorry I missed the meeting, but I have a baby here. LORELAI: Yes, I know, believe me, that's all I've heard about lately. SOOKIE: Well, excuse me for procreating. LORELAI: We have a business we're trying to launch. SOOKIE: I missed a meeting. LORELAI: Every meeting. SOOKIE: I said I'm sorry. LORELAI: I don't need you to be sorry. I need you to be there. SOOKIE: What do you want me to do? I have a baby. LORELAI: Sookie, we are drowning here. I wasn't supposed to have to do everything by myself. That's why I have a partner. SOOKIE: I didn't know I was gonna be pregnant when we decided to open the inn. LORELAI: And if you'd known, we wouldn't be partners? SOOKIE: No, I mean... Look, this isn't the stuff I'm supposed to help with, anyhow. LORELAI: What are you talking about? SOOKIE: The planning, the decision making -- I've never been any good at that. My part comes later, when we open the inn. LORELAI: I need you before then. SOOKIE: I'm doing the best I can. LORELAI: Fine. I have to go. [exits] SOOKIE: [calls after her] What are we gonna do about the sink? CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Lane enters.] LANE: Hey, Luke. LUKE: Hey, Lane, back in town, huh? [Busily busses table] LANE: Well, yeah, as of today. LUKE: You're not staying with Rory anymore, huh? LANE: No, it was kind of time for me to move on, considering, you know, I don't actually go to Yale. LUKE: Yeah. LANE: You need some help? LUKE: Nope, I'm good. [walks back to counter] ED: I've been waiting for ten minutes. LUKE: Sorry, not even close to the record. LANE: Listen, I was wondering if I could maybe get my job back. I know it was wrong for me to take off like that. I totally left you in the lurch, and I'd be willing to work extra overtime hours for nothing if you'd consider giving me another chance. LUKE: Sure. LANE: Really? Oh, my God, thank you, Luke. Should I start right now? ED: Yes [waiting impatiently] LUKE: Your shift tonight will be fine. LANE: Okay, my shift tonight. I'll be here. [Lorelai enters the diner wearing a baseball cap to cover her hair.] Lorelai. I really, really want to thank you. LORELAI: Aww, you're very, very welcome. For what? LANE: For letting me stay with you. LORELAI: You're staying with me? LANE: Yes? LORELAI: And I knew this? LANE: Rory told you... LORELAI: Ha, ha, Rory told me, yeah. LANE: She did tell you, right? She said she was gonna call. [Lorelai quickly checks the messages on cell phone] LORELAI: Ahh, I guess you're staying with me. LANE: Is that okay? LORELAI: Yeah, its okay. Just make sure your mom knows. LANE: Okay, I will. I'll see you at home. [exits while speaking] Thanks, Luke, I'll see you later. ED: Oh, we'll be here. LUKE: Sit down, Ed. [returns to counter] Pigs, gluttons. LORELAI: Customers! LUKE: How could people eat this much? LORELAI: Well, this is not all from one person, Luke. LUKE: It's disgusting. It's making me sick to my stomach. LORELAI: Well then, have you ever thought that maybe you're in the wrong industry? LUKE: I should get rid of the plates, make 'em all strap on a feed bag, you know, hang bells around their necks. Enter them in county fairs. [A pair of customers leave.] LORELAI: Come again, soon. See ya! [to Luke] Listen, Luke, could you hit the pause button on the rant for just a sec? LUKE: What do you need? LORELAI: I was wondering if we could have dinner tonight. LUKE: Dinner? LORELAI: Yeah, I need to discuss something with you, and I thought maybe we could do it over dinner unless you and Nicole have - LUKE: She's in Boston this week. LORELAI: Okay. Well, how about Silvano's, 8:00? LUKE: Why don't you just come here? I could make us some... LORELAI: No, this isn't diner talk. It's more official. LUKE: Are you being drafted? LORELAI: Yes, that's it. LUKE: You have to wear a tie at Silvano's. LORELAI: No, just a jacket, and you can take it off the minute we sit down. LUKE: Okay, 8:00. LORELAI: Okay, I'll see you there. [moved to door] LUKE: Love the hat. LORELAI: Livin' on a prayer, baby. [exits] [Bemused, Luke crosses his arms and watches her walk off.] CUT TO STARS HOLLOW SIDEWALK [Lane is walking down the street with a full grocery bag when she sees her mother approaching. They both hesitate before continuing to walk toward each other.] MRS. KIM: Hello, Lane. LANE: Hello, Mrs. Kim. [Mrs Kim stars to walk away] I'm staying at Lorelai's. MRS. KIM: Wear socks. [walks on] LANE: Okay. CUT TO YALE CLASS HALLWAY [Rory, cell phone to her ear, is walking down busy hall.] LORELAI's ANSWERING MACHINE: ...and I'll return your call as soon as possible, thanks. RORY: [leaving voice message] So I'm on my way to my professor's office to ask him a question about his last lecture because my pen was giving out, and I can't read my own writing, which is not at all true. However, it will give him a perfect opportunity to discuss my paper with me since I'm sure he's graded it by now, and since I'm also sure I'm in for a big helping of "Nicely done, Miss Gilmore, how about an 'A'." Call me. [she stops before teacher's office door and knocks] PROF. GILBERT: [from inside] Come in. RORY: [enters office] Professor Gilbert? Hi, I'm Rory Gilmore. I'm in your Tuesday afternoon Game Theory class. I hope I'm not disturbing you. PROF. GILBERT: Come in. RORY: Thank you. I was wondering if I could go over a couple of things from your lecture the other day. PROF. GILBERT: Uh-hmm [stands and begins shuffling through papers behind her without speaking] RORY: Okay, well, I wrote something down here, but I cannot for the life of me read my own handwriting. Seriously, if I had this analyzed, Charlize Theron would be playing me in a movie... 'Cause I'd be a serial killer, and pretty girls like to get fat and play serial killers 'cause they win an Oscar and - I'm sorry, should I go on? PROF. GILBERT: Or you can just wait to let me find your paper so we can talk about why you're really here. RORY: Oh. [embarrassed] Well, Okay. [nervous giggle - sits down] PROF. GILBERT: Rory Gilmore. [He pulls her paper from the middle of the pile.] Yes, here we are. [reads notes while returning to seat] Yes. Right. Okay. Good you came in. RORY: It is? PROF. GILBERT: Yes. Now, in this paper, you were supposed to use a real world example to compare and contrast classical economic theory and game theory, yes? RORY: Yes. PROF. GILBERT: Okay, now your paper dealt well enough with the game theory portion. However, you then diverged into a discussion on the pollution problem in Mexico City. RORY: Uh-huh. PROF. GILBERT: Well, it felt to me like someone using knowledge from a different course to pad their paper and thereby avoid doing research for mine. RORY: Oh, no, I just -- PROF. GILBERT: I've seen this happen before, particularly to freshmen. Usually, it just means that they're overloading themselves, that they don't fully understand the demands of a Yale academic curriculum. So, I took the liberty of looking over your schedule, and I think that's what you've done. RORY: Oh, no, no, I'm fine, really. I just have a little trouble with game theory, that's all. I blame my mother. She always made up the games at home when I was growing up. I begged her for Monopoly, but she insisted on "Mimic Your Favorite Sweat Hog", so... PROF. GILBERT: I talked with your advisor. She has the same concern that I do. RORY: What concern is that? PROF. GILBERT: You're taking too many courses this semester. Your workload is too heavy. RORY: I'll try harder. PROF. GILBERT: I think you should drop this course. You still have a couple of weeks left before the end of the drop period. You can take the course again when you have more time to devote to it. RORY: But, my grandfather took this same workload when he went here. PROF. GILBERT: Different people work at different paces. You shouldn't compare yourself to anyone else. You work at a slower pace. RORY: I don't. I'm not... PROF. GILBERT: The choice is ultimately yours. You can stay, but this is a "D" paper. This is not a big deal. This happens to a lot of students. RORY: [stands, smooths hair and moves toward door] Okay. Glad to be fitting in. [exits] CUT TO ELDER GILMORE INSIDE FRONT DOOR [The doorbell rings. The maid opens the door to reveal Lorelai.] LORELAI: [to maid] Hi. I'm Lore-- EMILY: Get in here right now. LORELAI: My gran must be here. [begins to remove coat] EMILY: [to maid] Jersey, close the door and get those nuts in the living room [hurriedly yanks off Lorelai's coat]. LORELAI: Well.. Ow. EMILY: I've been alone with that woman for over two hours now. LORELAI: Real arm in the coat, Mom. EMILY: Your father's late. You're late. LORELAI: I'm not late, just in pain. EMILY: Get in the living room. LORELAI: I can't arrive before the nuts. EMILY: Don't start with me. CUT TO SITTING ROOM EMILY: Here she is, Mom, Lorelai. The party just gets bigger. LORELAI: Hi, Gran, how are you doing? You look great. TRIX: Emily, what is the matter with her hair? EMILY: Oh, well... [Lorelai fusses with her hair.] TRIX: I know my granddaughter. If she had received proper notice of my arrival, she would have done something about it. EMILY: I told her in plenty of time, Mom. LORELAI: She really did, Gran. I swear. TRIX: I think it is admirable of you to cover for your mother. The importance of family loyalty simply cannot be measured. Sit, dear. Other than your hair, you look well. Are you well? Emily, perhaps the girl would like a drink. LORELAI: I am very well. TRIX: Good. How is Rory? LORELAI: She's just as healthy as I am. EMILY: [from the bar] And her hair is perfect. TRIX: And how is she doing at Yale? LORELAI: She's doing great, studying her butt off. TRIX: Oh, how charming to hear. I'm glad she's doing well. She is a Gilmore, after all. Gilmores have always excelled at Yale. They have quite a legacy to live up to. LORELAI: Well, your legacy is safe with her. [The maid enters with a crystal bowl.] EMILY: [shrilly] Mom, here are the nuts. TRIX: Oh, thank you, Emily, for that announcement. How wonderful that you don't need some sort of amplification system in order to make sure that everyone in the area is informed about the arrival of the nuts. EMILY: I'm sorry. [embarrassed] TRIX: [to Lorelai] Strange woman, so excited about nuts. RICHARD: [from other room] I smell jasmine. [Richard enters with Jason behind him] TRIX: You smell impatience. Where have you been? RICHARD: You know very well where I've been. [kisses Trix's cheek] I had some work to get out of the way so I could devote my full attention to you. You look wonderful. Florida agrees with you. TRIX: Florida agrees with muscle-bound men who dress like women. I am much happier to be back here where I belong. Would you like a nut? They seem to be very important to your wife. EMILY: I thought you liked those nuts, Mom. RICHARD: I'm fine, Trix. I have someone I would like you to meet. [turns and sees Lorelai for the first time] Lorelai, have you been there the whole time? LORELAI: Yes, I have. RICHARD: Well, I didn't see you. LORELAI: Well, I had my cloaking device activated, so -- RICHARD: [ignores her] Trix, this is my partner, Jason Stiles. Jason, this is my mother. JASON: It's a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Gilmore. TRIX: You are very young. JASON: Oh, no, no, no, not so young. TRIX: I think I know if someone is young or not. EMILY: [exasperated] For God's sake, Jason, just be young. [Jason looks helplessly at Lorelai.] LORELAI: [to Jason] Cloaking device, never leave home without it. TRIX: Richard Gilmore, you're growing a mustache. EMILY: I know, the Ferrari is arriving on Tuesday. TRIX: I like it. RICHARD: Thank you, Trix. TRIX: It makes you look like Adolphe Menjou. EMILY: [under her breath] Or Adolphe Menjou's cocaine dealer. [Jason presents a wrapped gift to Trix.] TRIX: What is that? JASON: Well, actually, this is a little present that I got for you. TRIX: For me? JASON: Yes. TRIX: Why would you give me a present? JASON: [uncomfortably] Well.. TRIX: It's not my birthday. It's not Christmas. JASON: Yes, but... TRIX: You don't even know me. JASON: No, but you're Richard's mother, so I thought -- TRIX: What is it? What is this present that you got for an old woman you've never met? JASON: [pause] It's a book. TRIX: What sort of book? JASON: It's a book on French antiques. I heard you liked French antiques. TRIX: I do like French antiques. JASON: You can just open it later. [sets box on nearby table] [Lorelai's cell phone rings in her purse and she reaches for it.] TRIX: Absolutely not -- I am company. You don't answer the phone when you have company, so put it away and turn it off. LORELAI: Yes, Gran. TRIX: Now, shall we all take turns guessing how long it will be before lunch is served? I will say an hour. Richard? RICHARD: [laughing] You are bad, Trix. [Emily rolls her eyes and gulps her drink.] CUT TO YALE - RORY'S BEDROOM [Rory attempts to call her mother.] LORELAI'S VOICE MAIL: Hi, this is Lorelai Gilmore, and you've reached my cell phone. Leave a message, and I'll return your call - RORY: [Sighs, then hangs up when gets voicemail. Grabs car keys and exits] CUT TO ELDER GILMORE LIBRARY [Lorelai is staring at her cell phone. Jason enters.] JASON: [whispers] Hey, you on the phone? LORELAI: [whispers] No, I'm just checking my messages. JASON: Anything important? LORELAI: No, just a hang up. JASON: Good, good. [looks at nearby decorative globe] You know, I should get a globe. Every time you see a movie, and there's a really important character, and then you go into that character's office, they always have a globe. LORELAI: You're hiding from my grandmother, aren't you? JASON: She is scarier than Nick Nolte's mug shot. LORELAI: Come on. [ushering him out] JASON: Please, she's just gonna ask me why I got her a present again. CUT TO GILMORE HALLWAY [Jason and Lorelai meet the others.] TRIX: We have decided to just go sit at the table. Perhaps the food will appear by sheer wish fulfillment. EMILY: I'll check on it again, Mom. TRIX: Oh, please don't. I wouldn't want to disturb your cook. She's obviously in the middle of a crossword puzzle. [they all settle at table] Lorelai, where did you go? LORELAI: Sorry, Gran. I had to check my messages. I've got all this construction going on at the inn. TRIX: Yes, your inn. [to Richard] Have you seen this inn of hers? RICHARD: No, not yet. LORELAI: No, it's a mess right now. You'll all see it when it's done. TRIX: And when will that be? LORELAI: Soon. TRIX: I see you measure time like your mother. EMILY: [helplessly] Just let me check on lunch, please? TRIX: So tell me, Lorelai. How much money have you invested in this inn? LORELAI: Oh, a chunk. TRIX: And I assume that you have a projected timetable for getting your chunk back out? LORELAI: Well, if everything goes as planned, we're hoping to break even the first year and turn a profit the second year. TRIX: That's optimistic, yes? LORELAI: Yes, but our town has a pretty regular tourist trade. JASON: You know, small inns and bed and breakfasts can be real money factories. TRIX: Yes, and wonderful places to put all those French antiques. LORELAI: Well, we have very high hopes, and we booked our first reservation. EMILY: When is the reservation? LORELAI: May 8th. RICHARD: Really? That soon? EMILY: You'll be ready by then? LORELAI: Well, we'll have to be. We had to add some extra construction guys, and we'll have to get the sink back from Canada, but we'll finish in time. TRIX: How is the money holding up? LORELAI: Excuse me? TRIX: The money. I was somewhat aware of your financial situation before you took this on. How much do you have left? LORELAI: Plenty. Enough to finish. TRIX: You're in trouble. LORELAI: No. TRIX: You are hemorrhaging money. I see it in your eyes. It must be costing a fortune to get a contractor to stick to a projected completion date. And you're not working now. Unless your partner is a Rockefeller, you are in serious financial trouble. EMILY: Mom, I don't think this is the best time to discuss this. TRIX: Well, if we were eating, we would have something else to do, but since we're not... [to Richard] How could you let this happen? RICHARD: How could I let this happen? TRIX: She is your daughter. It is your responsibility to know when she is in deep financial trouble. LORELAI: I'm not in deep financial trouble. RICHARD: Trix, Lorelai is a grown woman. TRIX: Ridiculous. This is a family. It is a family's responsibility to make sure that this doesn't happen. We have a reputation to uphold. How would it look if a Gilmore goes out into the business world and fails? EMILY: I hardly think she's failing, Mom. TRIX: Well, she looks like she's failing to me. [Lorelai chuckles nervously. Trix turns to Richard.] And I am surprised at you. After all, I helped you out when you had financial problems. RICHARD: Trix! TRIX: You made that terrible investment in Dubliners Paper Corporation when you were first married. I told you not to, but you wouldn't listen, and of course, I had to step in and bail you out. RICHARD: Now, hold on here, Trix. TRIX: You would have lost this house if it weren't for me. RICHARD: That is not true. TRIX: It is not true that you pigheadedly lost that money? RICHARD: I was twenty-seven years old. That is the time to take risks. TRIX: Well, when you have my money to bail you out, taking risks is not much of a problem, is it? RICHARD: [angry] You're making me sound like an incompetent child. TRIX: Oh, please. RICHARD: [angry] I have built two extremely successful businesses, Mother, and both of them without your help. [Emily smiles brightly] And I do not appreciate you now, many years later, throwing in my face the fact that you once helped me out financially! TRIX: Do not raise your voice to me. RICHARD: I will raise my voice if the situation warrants it! [The maid enters with salad plates.] EMILY: Oh, no, not now. [to Richard] You paid that money back in two months, also. RICHARD: That's right, two months. How deep in financial ruin could I have been to get that money back to you in two months? TRIX: I'm leaving this table. RICHARD: Let me help you with your chair. CUT TO DRAGONFLY INN CONSTRUCTION SIGHT - EVENING [Rory approaches Tom as he gathers his belongings to leave.] RORY: Hey, Tom, is my mom here? TOM: I haven't seen her. She could be inside. She sometimes slips in the back door, likes to surprise a bunch of guys with nail guns. RORY: Thanks. [She enters the Dragonfly Inn.] Mom? DEAN: [approaches] Rory. Hey. RORY: Do you know where my mom is? DEAN: No, did you check outside? RORY: Yeah, I did. She's not there. She's not at home. She's not anywhere. [slight trembling voice] DEAN: Are you okay? RORY: Yeah, I'm fine. I just - I can't find her. DEAN: Well, maybe she's at Sookie's. RORY: Sookie's? Okay, I can try Sookie's. [She fumbles with her cell phone.] DEAN: Rory, what's wrong? RORY: Nothing. Nothing's wrong. I'm fine, I'm good. I'm just having some technical difficulties. Get it? [shakes her phone] Technical difficulties? Very funny, eh? DEAN: Yeah, it's very funny. RORY: I know, I am very funny, and I am getting funnier. Yale is doing that to me. I am just -- it's really developing, the hilarity. Where are we going? DEAN: Outside. [guides her to the exit] RORY: Outside? Sure, 'cause I'm used to working a bigger room. DEAN: [gently] What's wrong? RORY: Nothing. [Dean guides her to the steps where they sit.] DEAN: What's wrong? RORY: [voice breaking] Everything's falling apart. I thought I had it all under control, but I don't. DEAN: What? What was under control? RORY: Everybody else can handle the classes, but I can't. And I'm supposed to. I'm supposed to take five classes. Everybody else does. I mean, my grandfather did. [sigh] God, how am I gonna tell my grandfather that I failed? DEAN: You failed? RORY: No, I didn't even get a chance to fail. I mean -- [sniff] I had to drop a class. I was told to drop a class. DEAN: That's not a big deal. RORY: It's a really big deal. I'm not supposed to drop a class. I'm not the drop-a-class person. I get good grades. [trembling voice] I... handle things. DEAN: Hey, come on. [ Puts his arm around her, rubbing her arm ] RORY: And Lane, she's not around anymore, and I -- I know she had to go, but I miss her, and I liked her there, and I haven't talked to my mom, and I need to talk to her, and she's not around. And I'm failing. I'm failing everything. I can't do it. I can't handle it. I'm messing everything up! [ Sobbing ] Oh! God, just look at this. DEAN: Look at what? RORY: You having to be nice to me. I mean, you shouldn't have to be nice to me. I was horrible to you, and now you're married to someone nice and who's not me and not a failure. DEAN: You are so not a failure. RORY: [sobbing] Yes, I am. I just can't, I -- I need to talk to my mom 'cause I just don't know what to do. DEAN: It's okay. [He hugs her close, comforting her.] STARS HOLLOW SIDEWALK - NIGHT [Luke, nicely dressed with keys in hand, walks around his truck and spots Lorelai approaching.] LORELAI: Luke. LUKE: Hey, I was just coming to meet you. LORELAI: I know. Yeah. [nervously smoothing hair] Could we uh, -- I need to --- I'm sorry, I need to reschedule our dinner. LUKE: Oh sure. LORELAI: Yeah, I'm just very tired. LUKE: Okay. LORELAI: So I'm sorry that I made you get all dressed up. LUKE: That's okay, it's good for me to do it every once in awhile. It reminds me why I'm not an accountant. LORELAI: [odd giggle] Okay. LUKE: [concerned] Everything okay? LORELAI: What? LUKE: Are you okay? LORELAI: Why? LUKE: Because you don't look okay. LORELAI: Well, geez, take me now, sailor. LUKE: I mean, you look distracted. LORELAI: Distracted, no. Well, maybe -- yeah. Distracted, okay, sure. I'm very distracted. LUKE: Anything I can do? LORELAI: You know, there are very few times in my life when I find myself sitting around thinking, "I wish I was married," but today, I mean -- I'm happy. You know? I like my life. I like my friends. I like my stuff. My time, my space, my TV. LUKE: Yeah, sure. LORELAI: But every now and then, just for a moment, I wish I had a partner, someone to pick up the slack. Someone to wait for the cable guy, make me coffee in the morning, meet the stupid sink before it gets sent back to Canada. [wanders to nearby bench and sits] LUKE: What happened? [joins her on bench] LORELAI: [ Voice breaking ] Um... [ Sniffles ] I just thought I had everything under control, but I didn't, and the inn is just falling apart. This has been my dream forever, and I have it, and it's here, and I'm failing. I can't handle it. I just spend every minute running around and working and thinking. [Luke puts his arm across the back of the bench and listens quietly.] And I thought I would have help, but Sookie has Davey, and Michel has Celine, and I'm -- I can't do it all by myself. [[Luke moves closer.] And I don't even have time to see my kid, and hell, forget see her, just even talk to her. And I miss her. And I sat there in my parents' house just listening to my grandmother basically call me a charity case, and I couldn't even argue with her. I couldn't even say anything, because I am. I'm running out of money, and I don't know what to do about it, and I was gonna, I was gonna ask you for $30,000 at dinner tonight. That's how pathetic I am. LUKE: Thirty thousand dollars. Well, okay, I mean if you -- LORELAI: I don't want to talk about it now. I don't want to think about it. [hiding face, she leans against his chest] I'm failing. [ Sobs ] I'm failing. [Luke hugs her close, strokes her hair, and gently rubs her arm.] LUKE: You are not failing. LORELAI: [muffled] I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. LUKE: [gently] It's okay. CUT TO YALE - RORY'S BEDROOM [Rory listens to her answering machine.] LORELAI'S VOICE: Hi, hon. I'm just seeing if I could catch you, but you're out. So...nothing much to report here. Just give me a call when you can. CUT TO LORELAI'S LIVING ROOM [Lorelai listens to her answering machine.] RORY'S VOICE: Just checking in. Nothing big to report. Okay, give me a call when you can. Bye, mom.	Plan: A: Richard; Q: Who sets his mother straight when Trix berates them? A: his mother; Q: Who does Richard angrily set straight when Trix berates them for being financial failures? A: Emily's delight; Q: What does Emily think of Richard's response to Trix? A: Sookie; Q: Who does Lorelai have a heated discussion with about sharing the responsibilities of opening their inn? A: their financial crunch; Q: What do Lorelai and Sookie try to ease? A: money; Q: What do Lorelai and Sookie try to raise to pay their construction crew? A: Dean; Q: Who is the name of the construction crew member that Lorelai and Sookie hire? A: Janet; Q: Who is upset about the presence of her boyfriend in the suite? A: Rory; Q: Who is distraught when her professor tells her to drop a class? A: an increasingly frustrating game; Q: What is Lorelai and Rory's game of telephone tag? A: telephone tag; Q: What game do Lorelai and Rory play? A: close quarters; Q: What do Janet, Paris, and Janet complain about in the suite? A: Lane; Q: Who moves out of the dorm and into Lorelai's suite? A: her job; Q: What does Lane get back at Luke's? A: a class; Q: What does Rory drop because she can't handle her course load? A: a frosty reception; Q: What does Lane receive when she runs into her mother? A: a very long, hard day; Q: What is the name of the day Lorelai and Rory can't connect? A: the arms; Q: Where do Lorelai and Rory find solace in the lives of the married men in their lives? Summary: When Trix returns to town and berates Lorelai and Richard for being financial failures, Richard angrily sets his mother straight, to Emily's delight; Lorelai and Sookie explore ways to ease their financial crunch and raise money to pay their construction crew, one of whom is now Dean; Janet and Paris go head-to-head over the constant presence of Janet's boyfriend in the suite; Lorelai and Rory play an increasingly frustrating game of telephone tag; after Paris, Tanna, and Janet complain about close quarters in the suite, Lane moves out of the dorm and in with Lorelai, and gets her job back at Luke's; Lorelai and Sookie have a heated discussion about sharing the responsibilities of opening their inn; Rory is distraught when one of her professors tells her to drop a class because she can't handle her course load; Lane runs into her mother and receives a frosty reception; at the end of a very long, hard day, Lorelai and Rory still can't manage to connect, and end up taking solace in the arms of the married men in their lives, Luke for Lorelai, and Dean for Rory.
4X01 - AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY - PART. 1 Strains of Etta James' At Last plays as we look down a hallway at a closed door with a woman's silhouette behind it. The door slowly slides open to reveal Sydney in short blonde bob wig, wearing a white babydoll nightie. Sounds and lights indicate she is on a train. As she walks from the bathroom into the main sleeping compartment, we see a man, mid 40's, glasses, white shirt w/sweater vest sitting at the table watching her. Sydney turns so that she is facing the man. She flips the split skirt so that he can see her lacy white undies and then asks in English with Swedish accent: Sydney: Is dis okay for me? I just got it. Man (also with slight accent): For you? Yes. For you, is very okay. Sydney smiles and drapes herself across the bottom of the bed, facing him. Man: For me, too. Sydney: I am sojy for barging in to you. Man tugs on tie around neck as if it's suddenly too tight. Man: Yeah is no problem. Sydney: Do you travel much? Man: I yes, for my work. Sydney (seductively): I like the train. Man: Yes. Sydney: Vhat is your work? Man: I'm in chemical business. Sydney laughs. Sydney: I knew something like that! Man: You did? Sydney: Yep. Sydney gets up and walks over to Man. Sydney: I look at your hands when I come in and I tink (Sydney leans across the table and touches the man's forehead, lets it travel down his face and then to his hands.) Sydney: He uses brain more than hands. Man: I use hands also (suggestively) Sydney: I am hoping so. Sydney looks down. Next to the man, there is a locked briefcase on the floor. Sydney: So vhat is in case? Shemical? Man: Chemical, yes. Sydney (giggles): No. Man: Yes something danger Sydney: In dis danger. Man: Yes, in case. Sydney: I don't believe. Man: Yes, is true. Sydney (giggle): Show me I want to see I want to see what you do. What is so danger? Man picks up case and sets it on the table. He sets the combination lock and opens the case. Inside is a Cyrillic keyboard terminal. Man: What is inside can be used for good or evil. Sydney: Me too. Man smiles at her suggestive comment. Sydney: Open it. I vhant to see everyting. Man types in a password and lights beep inside case. Man opens side compartment with a metal encased glass tube. Man: Is isotope. Unstable Sydney looks momentarily worried. Man: Vhat is it? Sydney smiles, then reaches over to remove the man's glasses, suggesting more is about to come. She runs her hand down the side of his face and then smacks him in the face with the heel of her other hand, knocking him out. She grabs the isotope, then hurriedly dresses. She puts the isotope into a protective container and puts it in her bag. She handcuffs the knocked out man to the wall. She hurries along the corridor, just as a man with a gun comes around the far corner telling her to stop. He trails her into a baggage car. He looks for her but doesn't see her. She jumps down behind him and fight ensues. At first, Sydney appears to have the upper hand, but the assailant starts to wear her down. She is flung against a door handle, which opens up the side of the car. He picks up his gun again, but she fights it out of his hand and it falls out of the car. He flicks open a switchblade as Sydney starts moving to evade the blade. Eventually, she gets knocked aside and grabs some protective netting that would normally be across the open doorway. She is hanging on, completely outside the car of the speeding train. There is no way for her to let go and she can't get back inside the car. The man comes over and starts cutting the straps off the netting one by one. As he starts to cut the last strap, we see Sydney look down and there is a several hundred foot drop below her. On her pained reaction, we: CUT TO BLACK 72 Hours Earlier, then SHANG(H)AI Music cuts in, plays over following scene. (Song is "Cold Hard B*tch" by Jet) Feet running against the pavement, then cut to another pair of feet running. First pair wear black knee high stockings and black Mary Janes, the second dark men's pants and shoes. (Think Sailor Moon) Cut back and forth between Sydney, in black shoulder length bob wig, short parochial skirt and white short sleeve button down shirt not buttoned but tied at the waist, partially revealing her black bra, and another man (not someone we know) dressed in a three piece suit. The man keeps looking back at Sydney as he runs. She motions for him to keep running. She is yelling and pointing for him to turn left. Finally, music cuts to background and we can hear the scene. Both are still running. Sydney: Here, turn up here! Man: What, the next street? Sydney: Yes! They turn up the street, and we finally see three assailants chasing them. Sydney: The alley! They get to the end of the alley and there is a grate across it. Man (panicked): It's locked! It's locked! Sydney runs right into the door, knocking it open and runs through it. Man runs behind her. Three assailants follow. Sydney and man run into the back door of a nightclub, and make their way to the grimy bathroom and lock the door behind them. Sydney reaches under the grimy sink and pulls out a small pack. Man: All right, at the very least I deserve answers. Sydney (opening pack): We were compromised, Brodine. Brodine: Yeah, I figured that part out. We were supposed to meet at 10:15, extracted by 10:25 Sydney: I was late. Brodine: Yeah, and I wanna know why! Sydney pulls a handgun out of the pack and tosses it at Brodine. Sydney (callously): Watch the door, please. Brodine: There's a reason for protocol, you know that!? Where were you!? Sydney: Can we save the debrief for the flight back? Brodine: Did you try to contact Agent Strum? Sydney: I told you, his life is at risk! Brodine: Look, he's in deep cover, Agent Bristow that's part of the job description! Sydney (looking over at Brodine's gun): Safety's on. (into comms) Mountaineer to Shopkeeper, please respond. A woman knocks roughly on the door. Woman (in Mandarin Chinese): I need to use the bathroom! Sydney (in Mandarin Chinese): Then find another one, I'm busy. (voice from comms): Mountaineer, this is Shopkeeper. Sydney: Shopkeeper, your cover's been blown. We'll meet in Ming Hai train yard, 20 minutes! (voice over comms): Wait a second oh, wait, wait, what how did how did you find me!? Sydney: Shopkeeper, do you copy!? (voice over comms): They know where I am! They found me! They found me! Brodine: What's happening? (Over comms) shots are fired and then line goes dead for a moment before another voice says: Hello, Sydney Bristow I heard about what you're wearing I like it. But your work here in Shangai is not so good you've broken radio silence. Sloppy disappointing. Sydney: Listen who is this? What do you want? Voice (amused): Oh, I got what I want. We're tracking your radio signal right now. I know the building you're in Brodine: They just tracked your broadcast!? Sydney puts the transmitter in the sink and turns the water on to destroy it. Then she goes over to Brodine and starts undressing him, pulling off his suit jacket. Brodine: What What are you doing? Sydney: Trust me. Brodine: No, I'm not just following you blind anymore What's your plan? Sydney: I don't have time to type up an itinerary. You'll do what I say, or you'll die. Take off your shirt. Sydney stands on the edge of the sink to reach the cracked open window. Brodine: That's window's too small to climb out of. Sydney: I'm not climbing out. Sydney sticks her finger in the groove of the window, pulling out a big glob of black grime. Knocking on the door resumes. Sydney comes toward Brodine. She rips off the short sleeves of his T-shirt. Sydney: Close your eyes. Sydney rubs the grime along the top lids of Brodine's eyes, and then around the bottom. Brodine: Oh my God, that burns! Sydney: Better than a bullet. Open Brodine reluctantly opens his mouth and she spreads the grime along his lips as he groans. She removes an earring from her ear. Sydney: This part's gonna hurt more Brodine: No, no! I don't need that! Sydney: It's the details that matter try not to scream. Sydney shoves the earring through Brodine's ear as he lets out a girly squeal. Banging continues on door. Sydney (in Mandarin Chinese): I'm almost done! Sydney pulls Brodine's belt off and puts it around his neck like a collar. Sydney reaches down and fingers some grease from off a sink pipe. Brodine: What is that for? Sydney uses it to grease Brodine's hair forward over his face. Sydney: They'll be looking for two of us, so we're both going to walk out of here alone. Brodine: Oh God, they're going to kill me, aren't they? Sydney: They might. You've got to strut out of this club. Brodine: I don't strut! She turns Brodine toward the grimy mirror while she writes the Chinese character for "dog" on his T-shirt with the black grease. (Thanks to JetBabee) Sydney: Look. Brodine now looks like a punk. Brodine (whining): My ear hurts. Sydney: We'll meet and Beding Hai station in 20 minutes. (grabbing the gun out of his hand and throwing it aside) You won't need this. Brodine: What are you gonna do? They know what you look like! Woman outside bathroom is still banging on the door. Woman (in Mandarin Chinese): Come on already! Sydney opens the door suddenly to a Chinese woman dressed in a long blonde wig and leather catsuit. Sydney (in Mandarin Chinese): How badly do you have to go? Sydney grabs the woman and pulls her inside. When the door reopens, we see Brodine in his new punk glory emerge from the bathroom. He starts strutting toward the door, then turns back to see Sydney, now dressed in the same clothes the Chinese woman had on moments ago. He turns to leave, bumps into one of the assailants who is guarding the door. Brodine swears at him in Chinese and stalks out of the club while Sydney watches him leave. CUT TO BLACK LOS (A)NGELES Cut to flying over skyline scene, then cut to: Director Chase (Angela Bassett's character): In your complaint against Agent Bristow, you stated your pursuers tracked you to the restroom? Pan over to Agent Brodine, sitting next to Director Chase, in 3-piece suit and a bandage over his pierced ear. Brodine: Yes, Ma'am, they did when Sydney (cutting him off): When I made contact with Agent Strum. I wanted to help him. I made arrangements with Agent Strum for him to meet us at the closest LZ in Jing'an. My intention was to extract him. Chase: That wasn't your purpose in Shanghai. You were sent with one objective: to pick up surveillance photos from Agent Brodine Sydney: Yes, ma'am photos taken by Agent Strum whose cover had already been blown. Chase: That's presupposition (speaking over Sydney's protests) a tip from an unauthenticated source and you opted to change the objective of the mission. Sydney: I made a judgement call. You do understand that things don't always go as expected when you're in the field? Chase: I don't need a 7th floor lecture from you; I've read your report. Even for you, Agent Bristow, your arrogance today is appalling! Sydney: It wasn't meant to be a lecture, Director Chase just a reminder. Chase gives Sydney an annoyed look. Sydney: With all due respect, it has been twelve years since you've been field rated. Chase looks up at Sydney, now irate. Chase: Your poor judgment apparently cost a man his life. Sydney looks down, chastened. Chase: So after dressing him up (nodding toward Brodine) you violated protocol yet again by leaving your contact alone. Sydney: Mr. Brodine would have been killed otherwise. Chase: Miss Bristow, your record's a mess. Your consistent disregard for protocol obviously speaks to some larger systemic dysfunction; a psychological need to challenge authority. If the Shanghai incident were an isolated one, then perhaps a warning would suffice here, but this his hardly the first time you've exhibited rogue behavior. Sydney: What happened in Shanghai was not rogue! I Chase: Miss Bristow, it is my turn to talk. I'm recommending to the board that you be stripped of classified clearance and assigned to the Dispatch Office at Langley. Sydney: You're transferring me to the mail room!? Chase: You'll report to Officer Hermelin 8 a.m. on Monday. Sydney: Wait, wait, wait Lemme get this straight Is this a permanent reassignment!? Chase: Technically, that's what a demotion is. Sydney: I don't know exactly what you have against me, but my record Chase: I resent you, and I'll tell you why. It's conduct like yours that endangers the CIA. It weakens us; it forces us to take a defensive posture. Sydney: Wait wait a minute. Am I supposed to defend my record to you !? Chase(standing up): This is not a dialogue, Miss Bristow. In Virginia. Monday morning. Sydney (also standing): If this is your decision, Director Chase I will no longer burden this agency with the hazard of my participation. Chase: Are you opting to terminate your association with the CIA? Sydney: I will say it in English for you; I quit! Sydney and Chase glare at each other, then Sydney turns to give Brodine a betrayed look that says, How could you do this to me?' before walking away. Cut to nighttime aerial of Washington, DC. Cut to Vaughn in sleeveless gray T-shirt, covered in sweat, viciously beating the stuffing out of a punching bag. Behind him, we focus on Weiss, standing in the doorway. Weiss: Yo! Vaughn Vaughn! Bag's dead, man, you can give it up. Vaughn finally stops. Vaughn: Thanks for coming. Weiss: Thanks for sweating. Cut to the locker room as Vaughn starts getting stuff out of his locker. Weiss: You all right? Vaughn: Yeah I think a full month's psych evaluation is more than enough. Weiss: Really for you? I don't know. Vaughn gives Weiss a droll look. Weiss: Was a little overkill, though. C'mon burning your house down? Vaughn: It wasn't a happy home. Weiss: Yeah, but still fire. Vaughn: Yeah, well, you kill your wife after learning she's a vicious, homicidal double agent, and see how rational you are. Weiss: I I just want you to know that I'm there for you You know if you need to stay with me for a while 'cause your house is ashes Vaughn: I'm leaving. Weiss: Leaving what? (Weiss looks at the somber look on Vaughn's face) The Agency!? Is this because of Sydney? Vaughn: No, it's not because of Sydney it's because last year sucked. It's because I don't have the desire to do not the desire, the need to do this job anymore I don't have it Weiss: So you're telling me this stupid idea was all on your own? Sydney didn't talk to you about this? Vaughn: I haven't spoken to her this week or last. I don't know what's going on with her. Weiss: All right, you gotta talk to her. Vaughn: Well, I've already made my decision. Weiss: Okay, this isn't about you. Her review was today. Sydney quit. Cut to Sydney walking into a subway station. While riding on the train, she pulls a plain white access card out from inside a traffic ticket citation, and then stuffs the citation back into her purse. She gets off the train and then waits for the platform to clear. Once she's the only one left, she walks to the end and down a set of stairs that leads to a door that has a dingy sign on it that says No Entry - Authorized Personnel Only. She swipes the access card in the reader by the door and enters. Inside is an electrical fixture room. On one side of the room, she pushes a switch up; on the other, she pushes a switch down. Then she opens a box and pushes three breaker switches into position And a secret door slides open. She walks into the hallway. At the end is an opening that leads to an all-white office. As Sydney walks closer, a familiar figure moves to stand at the end of the hall. It's Director Chase and she's smiling. Chase: Glad you found us. Sydney (also smiling): Me too. That wouldn't have been a very good start. Chase: You did very well with the committee very convincing. Sydney: Thank you. So were you I actually felt like I was in trouble Chase: Well, I can pull it out when I need to. C'mon, let me show you around. (As they walk through the all-white office) Sydney: How is that man's ear? Chase: Don't worry about Brodine; he thinks he's a hero. He has no clue Shanghai was a charade. The Agency's Pacific Rim surveillance worked out of this office until '98. This place was dark until two months ago when Langley approved the division. Sydney: Miss Chase, I can't tell you what an honor it is to be asked to be part of this operation. Chase: I know you spoke of being hungry looking for a fresh start Sydney: That was nothing my father, Vaughn irrelevant personal stuff. I want to serve my country the best I can. Chase: Well, this assignment will be a challenge for you more than you were led to believe. Chase shows Sydney into a meeting room. The camera pans as if it were Sydney's eyes. First we see Marcus Dixon, smiling in greeting to Sydney. Then we pan to Jack Bristow, arms crossed in almost defiance Then to Vaughn, moving to stand from a sitting position. Chase: The four of you were chosen; hand picked to run this team. Sydney (in shock): The four of us Hand picked by whom? Sydney turns to see Arvin Sloane. He smiles and says to her: Sloane: This is exciting. Sydney turns and stares in shock at Dixon and Jack and then turns to Chase, saying: Sydney: Could I have a word, please? And then steps by Sloane out of the office with Chase trailing behind. Sydney: When I was approached about joining a black-ops unit within the CIA, I thought I was doing the right thing. And while I appreciate the necessary protocol in assembling a new team, Arvin Sloane is not Chase (cutting her off): I understand you used to work for Sloane. Sydney: Yeah, a criminal psychopath beyond verbal descripition Chase: I know all about Sloane. Sydney: Then allow me to ask the most obvious question in the history of time: How can the CIA let that man, who ran what amounts to a terrorist cell within the borders of this country, run anything? Chase: You don't need me to explain the geopolitical landscape, or to list this country's former enemies with whom we now collaborate. Sydney: But we have to draw the line somewhere. Chase: But we can use him now: His contacts, his expertise, and he will be closely monitored. Sydney: I pity the man with that job. Chase just looks pointedly at Sydney. Sydney: Wait a minute Chase: With you here Vaughn, Dixon, and your father, there's a built-in system of checks and balances. If Sloane missteps you'll catch him. Now, that's it. This is your assignment. Cut to Black. Alias Credits and Theme (aka - Now is the time in Alias when we dance) Sydney walks back into the briefing room where Sloane is standing and Dixon, Vaughn and Jack are sitting. As she enters, Sloane turns toward her. Sloane: I was just explaining how the CIA approached me. Sydney gives Sloane a staredown, but does not reply. As she moves toward the couch, Vaughn slides over to make room for her to sit down. Note that Sydney does not sit down next to him, but rather on the arm of the sofa, putting space between herself and Vaughn. Sloane: Concerned that increased public scrutiny of the CIA and resulting red tape has impeded their ability to do their job, what they asked me to set up for them was a covert unit; one that is still governed by US laws, but unhampered by bureaucratic chain of command with no accountabilityexcept to ourselves. Sydney: That part was made clear. Sloane: Which was the part that wasn't made clear? That was me. Sydney: No, it wasn't. Sloane: Well, quite frankly, I was surprised by their call, too until I understood what it is they wanttheir own SD-6: a unit that officially doesn't exist comprised of team members who have no apparent affiliation to the CIA. They don't want to know how we do our day's work only that it gets done. Dixon: And what is our day's work? Sloane uplinks a photo to the monitor. Sloane: His name is Yuri Komorov; he's Russia's leading nuclear scientist until last month when he disappeared with the only viable sample of Orine-12: an deadly and highly unstable isotope. Signal intercepts indicate that on Thursday, Komorov will have a meeting on the train traveling between Belarus and Latvia. We can assume he'll be selling the isotope. The CIA is unable to use that information, which is why we are here. Sydney, Vaughn you'll be on that train. Sydney (almost to herself, disgusted): I can't believe this Sloane: I beg your pardon? Sydney (shaking her head): Nothing. Jack: The buyer who is it? Sloane: We don't know yet. But according to his grocery list, we can assume he's a serious threat. We were able to intercept the protocol of the meet: the buyer will be in the dining car, 8pm Greenwich Mean Time. There will be a green fountain pen on the table. He will ask Komorov if he would like some tea. Komorov will reply that he prefers bourbon. Dixon, you will be on point. Sydney, you will recover Komorov and the isotope. Vaughn, you will ID the buyer. You will sell the buyer a bogus isotope outfitted with a tracking device so that Langley can follow him back to his base of operation and grab him there. Vaughn: Is that it? Dixon: Komorov is known to rig his transport devices with self-destruct mechanisms. Sloane: Yes, that's correct, so Sydney, you'll need to get him to open the case for you. Sydney (trying to hold herself back and not quite succeeding): Do you have any suggestions? Sloane: I assume you'll come up with something interesting Jack, you'll set up the operational plan. The wheels go up at 0600 hours. Are there any questions? Sydney (sarcastic): Besides, How'd you get this job? Jack: Sydney Dixon: Syd Sydney pauses, then looks down at the dossier on the table in front of her. It is white with a red rectangle with the letters APO inside it. Sydney: What is this APO? Sloane: It's the name of our new organization, It's right on the door. Sydney: Authorized Personnel Only. Sloane: I thought it was fitting. Sydney (standing abruptly): Excuse me, I have to prep. She walks out of the briefing room, leaving everyone behind. As the meeting breaks up, Sydney is sitting at her new desk. Dixon walks in his desk is right next to hers. He walks over toward her, and she gets up to meet him halfway. Dixon: If I had known Sloane was involved? Not a chance. Sydney: It was a little deceitful, right? Dixon: Yeah, but then I thought if I refused the job, I can't watch over Sloane. Sydney: I'm having the same conversation with myself. Dixon: You know, I told Langley that I wanted to step down as Director. That life, that suit was never for me I belong in the field. And then the offer came from Chase Sydney: An elite, black-ops unit' speech Dixon: Yeah, that's the one, and I was in. Sloane walks up behind Sydney, and she turns around so that both she and Dixon are facing him. Sloane: Look, I understand your reluctance to work with me well, given everything. Despite my former allegiance, my betrayal of you, of this country you can't deny it: we were a great team. So I'll do this just once and ask you to please give me a chance. Sloane walks away. Sydney turns back to Dixon, obviously not pleased. Sydney: One thing makes up for all this: having you as my partner again. Dixon gives Sydney a proud smile, and Sydney lets out a real, full-on, dimpled smile. Cut to aerial scene of LA at night. Cut to Sydney gathering items throughout her house to pack for her mission. While she's in the bathroom gathering her makeup, the doorbell rings. Sydney looks apprehensive of whom it might be. She opens the door to find Vaughn standing there. Vaughn: Sorry to drop by. Sydney: It's okay. Vaughn pauses, then says: I miss you. I wanted to say that I miss you. Sydney (tentative): I've been thinking obviously about what Vaughn: Well, you're afraid to Sydney: I'm not afraid, but I Vaughn: But you won't return my calls Sydney: That's because I could feel what was happening. Vaughn nods for a moment as if he knows exactly what she's talking about and then takes a deep breath. Vaughn: Can I come in? Sydney: If you come in, we both know what's gonna happen and I don't want thatto jump right back in where we were before everything to pretend that those years didn't happen. Vaughn: Well, that would be nice, wouldn't it? Sydney: But they did. Vaughn swallows and nods curtly, clearly not thrilled with Sydney's answer. Sydney: We need to take it slow, Vaughn. Vaughn: Yeah, you're probably right. CUT TO BLACK (Sound of train horn and the clacking of a train on tracks) BELAR(U)S We see a train travelling down a train in deserted darkness. A heliocopter follows behind the train. Cut to Vaughn in his Komorov costume (dark blazer, vest sweater, white shirt with tie, wire-rimmed glasses) typing on a keyboard inside of a briefcase and closing it. Turning his head, he says: Vaughn: You ready? Camera pans to Sydney in her Swedish girl outfit (white sweater with 1/2 zipper in front, white miniskirt, grey suede coat with white fur trim) while she primps her wig. They are in the baggage car. Sydney (in English with Swedish accent): Ya, I tink so...you? Vaughn picks up briefcase and starts walking. As he walks by Sydney, he says: Vaughn (in Russian): Let's go. Nice tits. (Thanks to FunkyMonkey and mysticowl for the translation.) Sydney follows along behind him, laughing. Cut to a hand tapping ashes off the end of a cigarette. Pan up to Komorov. He's in his room smoking and looking at some paperwork at the table. Suddenly the door to the room opens and Sydney walks in, placing her overnight bag (white, looks sort of like an old-fashioned bowling bag) on the bed. Komorov (in Russian): Excuse me. Sydney startles and turns around, her hand over her heart is if it's pounding. Sydney: Hello-ah. Komorov (in Russian): This is a private compartment. Sydney (in Swedish): This is my room. Komorov (in Russian): This isn't your room. Sydney (in Swedish): This is my room. Komorov stands up, searching in his coat for his ticket. Pulling it out, he says something in Russian and holds it out for Sydney to see. Sydney has pulled her ticket from her bag and carries it over to him. Sydney: Are you speaking English? Komorov: Yes...I speak. Sydney holds up her ticket to him, pointing out the room assignment. Sydney: See, for me? This room? He takes her ticket and holds it up to his, looking at them both. [SCENE_BREAK] Cut to Vaughn entering the dining car. He slowly walks down the aisle, looking for the telltale green pen. About 2/3 the way down the car, he spots it and sits down opposite a man who looks to be Japanese. Man (not looking up from his reading): Would you care for some tea? Vaughn (in heavy Russian accent): No, I prefer bourbon. The man puts aside his reading and looks up at Vaughn for the first time. Man: You're early. Vaughn: I am eager to make exchange. Man: As am I, Mr. Komorov. Cut to sleeping car with Komorov and Sydney. Komorov (still looking at duplicate tickets): I...I am sorry... Sydney: Is good, no? Komorov: Yes, is good... He slowly hands it back to her as if assessing her for the first time. The train suddenly lurches and she lurches slightly toward him and smiles. Sydney (as if confessing): I was drink...in dining car. Komorov: Yeah. Sydney: Too much. Komorov: Yeah. Sydney smiles. Sydney: I am for sleeping now. Sydney looks wistfully over her shoulder at the bed and then stretches her arms way over her head, which pulls her sweater up to expose her stomach all the way to almost under her breasts while Komorov watches interestedly. Sydney (still stretching): Is there a place for changing? Komorov: Uh, yes...uh, bathroom. Sydney sighs, arms still over head. Sydney: Thank you. She puts her arms down and smiles, pulling her shirt down over her stomach with an apologetic smile. She turns and picks up her bag. Stopping before Komorov, she says: Sydney: You are cute. She reaches over and grabs his glasses by one temple, moving them slightly as she talks. Sydney: I like these framings. Her fingers trail down his face as she walks by him into the bathroom. He turns and follows her with his eyes until she closes the door to the bathroom. Cut to Vaughn, grabbing the handle of his briefcase and setting it on the table between him and the man. He looks around the car as if nervous and asks: Vaughn: You want to do this in public? Man: Mr. Vadik is not afraid of the public...and neither am I. Vaughn gives a mini shrug and opens the briefcase. He types in a password on the Cyrillic keyboard and after a moment the compartment in the side pops open. He reaches inside and pulls out a canister that looks extremely similar to the one we saw in the earlier scene with Sydney and Komorov. He sets it on the table between himself and the buyer and waits. The buyer pulls out an electronic device, holding it up to the side of the canister, checking it. While it's checking, the buyer looks up at Vaughn and smiles slightly, almost like a cat playing with a mouse before eating it. Cut back to Sydney and Komorov. We are back at the scene from the beginning of the show: Sydney: Is dis okay for me? I just got it. Man (also with slight accent): For you? Yes. For you, is very okay. Sydney smiles and drapes herself across the bottom of the bed, facing him. Cut back to the electronic device as it beeps and registers some numbers. Vaughn: You can't test power with toy from hardware store. The buyer smiles that 'cat that ate the canary' smile again. Vaughn gives a nervous smile in return. After a moment's pause, the buyer tosses a small black jewlers bag across the table. Man: When the more comprehensive tests are done, Mr. Vadik will forward you the other half of your payment. Vaughn picks up the bag and then takes another surreptitous look around the dining car. Vaughn: You're not very discreet. Man: Terror happens every day, around everyone. Nobody notices a thing until something detonates. Mr. Vadik and I rely on that. Man puts his paperwork into his briefcase. Vaughn closes his briefcase and then opens the jeweler's bag and tilts out the contents: diamonds. Cut back to Sydney and Komorov. Sydney: Vhat is your work? Man: I'm in chemical business. Sydney laughs. Sydney: I knew something like that! Man: You did? Sydney: Yes, because... Sydney gets up and walks over to Man. Sydney: I look at your hands when I come in and I tink (Sydney leans across the table and touches the man's forehead, lets it travel down his face and then to his hands.) Sydney: He uses brain more than hands. Cut back to Vaughn and the buyer. The buyer is staring intently at Vaughn. Vaughn looks up and meets his eyes. Man: You look familiar. Vaughn: Sometimes people tell me I look like hockey player...Alexei Kovalev. He smiles slightly and looks back down. Man: No, that's not it. Vaughn looks back up at the man. CUT TO BLACK. Shot of train rushing by from the outside. Cut back to Vaughn and the buyer. Buyer is still staring Vaughn down. Vaughn: Well, perhaps we have met before, maybe your boss, Mr. Valik...perhaps I know him. The buyer looks discreetly over Vaughn's shoulder to the corner table in the car. Two men sit there. One makes eye contact with the buyer and the buyer surreptitously nods. The henchman walks to their table. The henchman is built like a football player. He puts his hand on Vaughn's shoulder. Vaughn: What is this? Man: I don't know where you're from...but you're not Komorov. Vaughn: Excuse me, but this is me. The buyer looks out the train window and then back to Vaughn. Man: I'm getting off the train a little early. Vaughn looks out the window to see a heliocopter alongside the train. To the henchman, the buyer says: Man: Find out who he is. The buyer gets up to leave. He grabs the parcel of diamonds off the table and pockets them. At the corner table, the other henchman gets up. As the buyer walks away, we see that Vaughn is considering doing something there in the dining car, but he looks across the aisle to see a little girl talking and he knows he can't. He turns to see the buyer talking with Henchman #2 and then the henchman walks off. Vaughn nudges his comm link and says to Sydney: Vaughn: Syd, they're on to us. There's one heading your way. Move! Cut to Sydney's face as she registers what Vaughn has said. Worry momentarily crosses her features. Komorov: What is it? Sydney smiles at him. Cut back to the dining car. Henchman grabs a fistful of Vaughn's coat and yanks him to a stand. Henchman: Get up! Cut to Sydney slamming Komorov in the face and stealing the isotope container. Cut to her leaving Komorov's room and Henchman #2 giving chase. Cut back to Vaughn being led down a corridor by Henchman #1. Vaughn takes his glasses off and tucks them in his blazer's front pocket. The Henchman pulls him to a stop in front of a door. Henchman: Here. Vaughn opens the door and enters the room, immediately spinning around, grabbing one of the man's arms and punching him in the face. He then spins the gun out of the henchman's hand. Vaughn tries punching again, but is blocked. Henchman puts his hand around Vaughn's throat and throws him forcibly up against the wall. Cut to Sydney and Henchman #2 in the baggage compartment. Sydney has just hopped down behind him and punches him. She kicks the gun out of his hand and kicks at him again, but misses. The henchman punches her in the face. Cut back to Vaughn as he's thrown across the room, landing on a desk and then falling to the floor on his back. The Henchman looms large over him. Vaughn kicks him hard in the groin with both feet and then, when the henchman bends over in pain, kicks him with both feet in the forehead, knocking him backward. Vaughn goes on the offensive and tries to punch the henchman in the face, but the henchman catches his fist and then wraps his other hand around Vaughn's neck again. Vaughn tries in vain to remove the man's hand. The henchman throws Vaughn against the wall into the dining table in the room. On the table is a metal water carafe and a couple of glasses. Cut back to Sydney and Henchman #2. The door to the baggage car is open now and Sydney is evading the henchman's knife swipes. He kicks Sydney in the face, and she goes flying, grabbing on to the nylon straps that cover the baggage. She is hanging helplessly outside the baggage car as the train speeds along. Cut back to Vaughn and Henchman #1 as the henchman gives Vaughn a vicious punch to the stomach. Vaughn picks up the metal carafe and blocks his next punch and then hits the man in the head with it. The man staggers, but stays on his feet. After a second, he moves toward Vaughn again. Vaughn hits him in the head with the carafe again. The man staggers backward more forcefully, but still doesn't go down for the count. Vaughn can't believe it. In disgust, he growls: Vaughn: Are you kidding!? And hits the henchman in the head a third time, which finally knocks him out. After a quick glance to make sure he's really knocked out, Vaughn charges out of the room and through the car. Cut back to Sydney, still hanging from the netting outside the baggage car. Henchman #2 has started cutting the ropes that attach the netting to the car. One by one they let go as he cuts through them. Cut to Vaughn racing through another car, presumably toward the baggage car. Cut back to the man, still cutting ropes. Sydney slips a little farther as another rope lets go. Cut to Vaughn, holding his side where the henchman punched him, but still running as fast as he can through the car. Cut back to an external shot of Sydney hanging outside the train by the netting. Sydney looks down and sees they are going over a very deep ravine. Just then, Vaughn bursts into the baggage car. The henchman stops cutting the last rope and turns to fight Vaughn. They wrestle for a few moments before Vaughn finally shoves his attacker out the open door of the train into the ravine. ("Bad" by U2 begins to play and plays over the following scene.) He rushes over to Sydney and pulls her back inside the train and into a desperate hug. Sydney hugs him back just as desperately before pulling back to study his face. Tears well in her eyes as she sees the love and worry clearly written on his face. He cradles her face with his hand and strokes it. Cut to Sydney, wearing a tank top, lying on top of a shirtless Vaughn in bed and they are kissing passionately. Cut to another angle where you can see Vaughn's hands restlessly running along Sydney's back as they continue to kiss. Vaughn then rolls Sydney beneath him and the kissing continues. Their movements are heated, passionate, frantic, lustful...not the gentle lovemaking we saw in "A Free Agent". A closeup of their faces as they kiss and fondle each other melts into a quick montage of their union until it fades into one shot of Vaughn lying on top of Sydney, the sheet covering him up to his waist, heaving out a huge breath and lying his full weight on her as if were immediately post-climax. Cut to a close up of Sydney's face as she holds him close, running one hand through his hair and the other across his bare back as he cradles her face with one hand. Then Vaughn pulls away to lie down next to her on the bed. Sydney brushes the hair away from her face with one hand and gives Vaughn the smallest of tentative smiles. Cut to Vaughn, who is intently looking at Sydney as well. His expression is hard to read. Sydney reaches over tentatively and touches the cleft of Vaughn's chin and he turns his head slightly as if to shake it, almost as if he's partially regretting rushing things the way they did. Sydney turns her head and stares at the ceiling, as if wondering the same thing. CUT TO BLACK. Cut to aerial scene of LA at night as Vaughn says: Vaughn: Syd, before we left, Jack came to see me with a...message for you... Cut to Sydney and Vaughn, still lying in Sydney's bed. Syd is wearing her tank top (still or again...not sure), Vaughn is still shirtless. Vaughn: Your father wanted me to remind you that in Belarus we're not gonna have a tactical team. Sydney looks away from Vaughn, clearly not wanting to deal with this issue right now. Vaughn half sits, leaning on his elbow as he speaks. Vaughn: So why is your father speaking to you through me? Sydney looks at him, but doesn't answer. Finally Vaughn nods slightly, and then says: Vaughn: When I was in DC, I know you went to Wittenberg, and I know your father was there. What happened in Wittenberg? Cut to flashback of Sydney extracting the file from vault #1062. She sits down at the table, pulls out a small black light and begins to read, crying as she reads the first, and then more and more pages. She hears a voice: Jack: Sydney... And looks up with tears in her eyes. Jack looms in the doorway; his face is tight, even perhaps menacing. Jack: You were never supposed to have found this. End flashback. Vaughn is still leaning over Sydney, waiting for an answer. Vaughn (in the voice he always used to use when he was trying to get Sydney to talk about her problems with him...that soothing sort of voice): You wanna tell me what happened in Wittenberg? Sydney slowly turns to face Vaughn. There is pain and just a twinge of stubbornness on her face. Sydney: No...Actually, I don't. Vaughn looks down, chastened, as if that admission hurt him. Sydney looks away also, as if it hurt her to say it. Then she gets up and walks out of the room, leaving Vaughn alone in bed. Cut to a train rolling by in the train station. Sloane: We now know the men on the train were working for Roman Vadik; CIA's 26th most wanted. Vadik's resume has him responsible for the Chun Hai blast in '86, Mats Hu in '89, over 12,000 dead total. Close, personal contacts of mine have confirmed Vadik's cooperation with known terrorist cells in planning a major attack within the next six months. Sydney: Close, personal contacts? Jack: The CIA wants Vadik. Sloane: Yes, that's right. Sydney: What's the move? Sloane: Last year, a foreign agent working on infiltrating Vadik's operation made particularly good progress. She needs to be briefed. I'm sending you, Sydney. I'll give you the details in my office. Sydney: Lucky me. Cut to Jack entering his office and then looking through the window into Sloane's office where Sydney is. Sloane: The agent working with Vadik's operation...was with Argentine intelligence. Sydney: Your daughter? Sloane: Your sister. Sydney: If Nadia's the one with intel on Vadik, why not debrief her yourself? Sloane looks down for a moment, as if unsettled before looking up and continuing. Sloane: We went searching...Nadia and I for an artifact built by Rambaldi. Sloane gets up and walks across the room, away from Sydney, and gets himself a glass of water. Sloane: It's value immeasurable. And we found it. And we promptly handed it over to the US Government. Sydney: That's how you got this position; you bought it. Sloane: It turns out the pain that she felt as a result of her job was profound...something with which you're familiar. Sydney: Ya think? Sloane: I tried to convince her to stay, to transfer over to the CIA. I knew she would be of great value here...but she chose to leave intelligence...drop out. Sydney: You sure she really left? Fake-quitting seems to be all the rage. Sloane: She's out...she's back in Argentina. She wants nothing to do with me...or this life. Sydney nods her head and a slight smile plays around the edges of her mouth. Sloane: You're awful glib, Sydney. Sloane takes a drink from his water glass. Sydney: Nadia left you on bad terms. Sloane: I suppose I have something to learn...about being a father. Sydney: I can see why you don't want to go. That wasn't meant to be glib. I still don't know why you think she'll talk to me. Sloane: Because I see in her something I once saw in you: the need to work for what's right. And because you know what it is to put aside personal issues, and that...that's a gift. Sydney: It's not a gift. What's it's been is a necessity, and it's become a burden, and, quite frankly, something I've run out of patience for. Sydney stalks out of Sloane's office. Cut to Vaughn, taking intel out of a folder, as he turns from his desk, we hear: Jack: Vaughn. Vaughn turns to face Jack. Jack: Before she goes, you might tell her that... Vaughn (cutting Jack off): No, I'm not going to be a conduit to your daughter. I've tried that before; you can imagine how well that went over. And no, she didn't say anything, if that's what you're asking yourself. She hasn't said a word about what happened between the two of you...which gives me an idea of what that is. And Jack, I hope for Sydney's sake that I'm wrong. Camera holds on Jack's face as Vaughn walks away. CUT TO BLACK. A®GENTINA Daytime. An outdoor beach restaurant near a pier. Sydney approaches spying Nadia across the way, standing leaning on a post, nursing a beer and talking with friends. Nadia looks Sydney's way and recognizes her. Sydney gives her a small smile in greeting. Nadia hands her beer off to a friend and approaches Sydney. They look at each other for a moment, and then Nadia smiles a big smile and gives Sydney a hug. When she pulls back, she says: Nadia: I'm guessing this isn't a personal visit. Sydney: No. Cut to a distance shot of Sydney and Nadia alone on the pier talking, then close up on Nadia's face as Sydney says: Sydney: Roman Vadik. Nadia looks away. Sydney: We need your help. Nadia, I need you to come back with me. Nadia: No. Sydney... Nadia pauses, then opens her wallet to show Sydney a picture of herself with man, both of them are smiling. Nadia: He was a good friend; worked with me. Vadik killed him. Had his head shipped back to our office. But I'll give you what I have. No one deals with Vadik directly. Everyone goes through his lieutenant...You want to write this down? Sydney: No, I've got it. Nadia: Kazu Tamazaki. Considers himself a modern samarai. Arrested five years ago trying to rob the Hazunanga Asian museum in London. Escaped from police custody...among the least of the charges against him. I hope that helps. Sydney: Men like Vadik, like Tamazaki...they need to be eliminated. Nadia: I can't. She looks down, and when she looks back up, there are tears in her eyes. Nadia: I can't. You do understand. Sydney: Yeah. Cut to aerial view of LA at night. Sydney is in her kitchen, cooking at her stove. The doorbell rings and she goes to answer it. Thinking it's going to be Vaughn, she starts to say: Sydney: I knew penne was... But it's Jack. Jack: This cannot continue. Sydney turns and tries to slam the door in his face, but he pushes it open and walks in behind her. Jack: A crucial assumption of our operational competance is communication! He shuts the door behind himself and follows Sydney into the kitchen, hovering over her as she cuts vegetables and tries to ignore him. Jack: Sydney...If we don't have that...every mission, the life of every operative could be at risk. Sydney: I'm doing my job. Jack: No, what you need to do is find a way to accept what's happened. Sydney just shakes her head. Jack insists: Jack: If you can deal with Arvin Sloane... Sydney: I love that you knew that...that you approved it. Jack: It may be hard for you to accept that your father doesn't have the authority to make all the decisions that... Sydney (cutting him off): No, what's hard for me to accept are the decisions that you do make! What's hard is looking at you... Sydney turns her back on Jack to go over to the fridge. Sydney: ...walking past you, smelling that sickening cologne. What's hard is being your daughter... Cut to Jack's face. This clearly wounds him and it shows...as much as Jack shows anything. Sydney: ...and not being able to separate myself, as far as I may get, from the person I despise most. Sydney goes to the silverware drawer and opens it noisily while Jack, in the foreground, reacts to Sydney's cutting words, his jaw working back and forth. Finally, he says: Jack: You went to see Nadia. Did you tell her...what you know? Sydney turns to look at her father. Hurt even deeper than before blossoms on her face before she clamps down on it. She sniffs in disbelief. Sydney: I guess I thought...that maybe you'd come here...I don't know, to give me something...information...something that would help make sense of what I was afraid you'd become; but there's nothing you could say. Of course, you were only looking out for yourself. Jack looks away, but doesn't answer. Sydney: Is that what you think of me...as an operative? That I would reveal your secret to that poor girl? Keys jangle in the front door lock as Vaughn enters, a grocery bag in hand. Sydney continues to glare at Jack, but he cannot meet her eyes. Finally, Jack looks at her and she whispers: Sydney: I didn't tell Nadia a thing. Vaughn walks into the kitchen and stops short when he sees Jack is there. Jack just turns and leaves, leaving Vaughn to stare after him as Sydney tries to go back to cutting her vegetables. Vaughn looks at Sydney for a long moment, who is concentrating on her cutting. Finally, Vaughn walks toward her and puts the bag on the counter. He just looks at her, and she abruptly puts down the knife and mumbles: Sydney: Sorry... And walks out of the room, leaving Vaughn to stare after her in concern and pain...pain that she's still not opening up to him and letting him in to help her. Cut to Sydney sitting on the edge of her bed, just staring into space. Vaughn comes in and finds her there and lets out a long sigh. Sydney gives him a small repentant smile. Vaughn: What's going on? Sydney: It was Lauren who told me... Vaughn (confused): What... Sydney: Told me where to look. The safety deposit box in Wittenberg. Cut to Vaughn's face as he registers this, then he moves to sit beside Sydney on the bed. Sydney: How she knew, I don't know. I wasn't even going to go...I had no reason to believe anything that woman said. But the curiosity was just too strong. Sydney starts to cry and wipes her hand across her mouth. Sydney: I got there and...inside the box, there was a file...classified, highest level. My heart was pounding. (whispering) Like I knew somehow before I knew... Vaughn (softly, concerned): What was it? Sydney: Evidence. Evidence that my mother had been a security risk, which wasn't really news... It mentioned her history with the KGB, everything we knew. Then there was a page...an official request made by my father...asking for the authority to execute Irina Derevko; a request that was granted. Cut to Vaughn's stunned reaction before he looks down at his lap. Sydney: And he did it. Sydney starts to break down. Sydney (in a teary whisper): He killed her. Vaughn takes this in and then turns toward Sydney, his face full of worry and concern for her, and puts his arm around her shoulder, pulling her toward him. She lets him. Sydney (gasping): He killed my mother... She lies down in Vaughn's lap while he holds her. She's crying, curled up in an almost fetal position. Vaughn looks off into space as if completely stunned and shocked. Sydney whispers: Sydney: He did it, Vaughn...he killed her...he killed my mother... CUT TO BLACK ~End~	Plan: A: The fourth season; Q: What season of American Idol opens with a flashback from a scene of Sydney in hand-to-hand combat on a moving train? A: Sydney; Q: Who is on a mission to recover an isotope with a fantastic name? A: Vaughn; Q: Who did Sydney reconcile with after their brush with death? Summary: The fourth season opens with a flashback from a scene of Sydney in hand-to-hand combat on a moving train. We learn that she is on a mission to recover an isotope with a fantastic name. Sydney and Vaughn reconcile passionately after their brush with death. The plot leads directly into a second hour titled Authorized Personnel Only: Part 2.
EXT. STREET, DAY It's a windy fall day. A MAN is strolling down the road, trying to read a map as the wind blows it around in his hands. The DOCTOR peers over his coming book - "The Beano Summer Special, 1981" - and watches the MAN. The MAN walks along the sidewalk, looking around to get his bearings. A leaf blows loose from a tree and covers his face, causing him to stagger into the road in front of an oncoming car. He pulls the leaf from his face and turns around to see the car and he freezes. A WOMAN pulls him out of the way of the car. WOMAN: Oh, my stars. Are you all right? MAN: Yeah. I'm fine. The MAN smiles at the WOMAN who nervously pushes a strand of hair behind her ear. The DOCTOR watches from the bus stop across the street. EXT. STREET, NIGHT The MAN and WOMAN huddle together under an umbrella as thunder rumbles. They run up the stairs to her house. MAN: So I've got something for you. WOMAN: What? The MAN pulls the leaf from his pocket and holds it up. WOMAN: You kept it? MAN: Of course I kept it. WOMAN: Why? MAN: Because this exact leaf had to grow in that exact way in that exact place so that precise wind could tear it from that precise branch and make it fly into this exact face at that exact moment. And if just one of those tiny little things had never happened, I'd never have met you. Which makes this the most important leaf in human history. They kiss. Across the street in the rain, the DOCTOR watches before walking away. INT. NURSERY, DAY The WOMAN looks in on the MAN who is sitting in a chair, holding their sleeping baby girl. INT. PARLOR, DAY The MAN and WOMAN play with their young daughter. INT. BEDROOM, DAY The WOMAN is showing her daughter her favorite book - "101 Places to See" - as they sit on the bed. INT. HALL, DAY The WOMAN swings little CLARA and she kicks a small plastic ball. EXT. PARK, DAY The DOCTOR is hit in the head with a ball as he walks by the family and falls to the ground. WOMAN: Oh, my stars! (runs over) Are you all right? The DOCTOR gets up quickly, hands held in front of him as if to fight off all-comers, martial arts-style. He lowers his hands when he sees the family. The MAN walks over with CLARA. DOCTOR: Fine! Marvellous. Refulgent. Possibly a touch embarrassed. That's not dangerous, is it? WOMAN: What's not? DOCTOR: Embarrassment. WOMAN: Not usually. Not to my knowledge. DOCTOR: Good. Hey, phew! MAN: Mate, I'm so sorry. She wants to be Bryan Robson. DOCTOR: No worries, my fault. No harm done. (bends over) Hello, there. WOMAN: Clara. DOCTOR: Ah. Hello there, Clara. EXT. CEMETARY, DAY Teen CLARA is holding the "101 Places to See" with her name and years written in it. We see that the book belonged to her mother first, Ellie Ravenwood. She closes the book and stands next to her boyfriend(?) at her mother's graveside. "Ellie Oswald - Beloved Wife and Mother - Born 11th September 1960 - Died 5th March 2005". Leaning against a tree some distance from the grave, the DOCTOR watches before turning and walking away. INT. TARDIS The DOCTOR leans on the console looking at the monitor bearing a picture of Victorian CLARA. DOCTOR: She's just a girl. How can she be? The picture on the monitor changes to that of OSWIN and her credentials for the "Alaska". DOCTOR: She can't be. The monitor changes to show CLARA in a graduation gown, throwing her cap into the air. DOCTOR: She is. She can't be. (pushes the monitor away and turns around) She's not possible. [SCENE_BREAK] Matt Smith Jenna-Louise Coleman "The Rings of Akhaten" By Neil Cross PRODUCER Denise Paul DIRECTOR Farren Blackburn [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MAITLAND HOUSE, FRONT HALL, DAY CLARA sits on the stairs, holding the book, "101 Places to See", close to her chest. Her finger nervously taps the spine. She hears the TARDIS and smiles. The bell rings and she runs for the door. INT. TARDIS The DOCTOR stands by the console smiling and CLARA walks around, full of excitement. CLARA: So we're moving through actual time? (goes to the DOCTOR) So what's it made of? Time? If you can just rotor through it, it must be made of stuff, like jam's made of strawberries. So what's it made of? DOCTOR: Well. Not strawberries. No. No, no, no. That would be unacceptable. The DOCTOR walks around one side of the console and CLARA rushes around the other side. CLARA: And we can go anywhere? DOCTOR: Within reason. Well, I say reason... CLARA: So, we could go backwards in time? DOCTOR: And space. Yes. CLARA: And forwards in time. DOCTOR: And space. Totally. So, where do you want to go, eh? (hurries to the other side of console meeting CLARA) What do you want to see? CLARA: I don't know. You know when someone asks you your favourite book and you forget every book you've read? DOCTOR: No. Totally not. CLARA: Well. That's a thing. That happens. DOCTOR: And? Back to the question. CLARA: OK. So... So... So... (hurries over to the door) So, I'd like to see... I would like to see... What I would like to see is... (turns to face the DOCTOR) something awesome. The DOCTOR puts his hands in the air, snaps his fingers and puts the TARDIS in motion. EXT. SPACE The DOCTOR opens the TARDIS door and ushers CLARA outside. She has her eyes closed. DOCTOR: Can you feel the light on your eyelids? (closes TARDIS door) CLARA: Mm-hm. DOCTOR: That's the light of an alien sun. (positions her) Forward a couple of steps. OK. Are you ready? CLARA: Yes. No. Yes. CLARA slowly opens her eyes. DOCTOR: Welcome to the Rings of Akhaten. They are standing on a large chunk of rock - possible asteroid - that is part of a set of rings circling a large sun. One asteroid is larger and looks to have been settled with what looks like a city. CLARA: It's... DOCTOR: It is. It so completely is. But wait! There's more. CLARA: More what? DOCTOR: Wait, wait, wait. (checks watch) In about five, four, three, two... The asteroids pass and on one is a large pyramid the shines as the light from the sun hits it. CLARA: (awed) What is it? DOCTOR: The Pyramid of the Rings of Akhaten. It's a holy site for the Sun-singers of Akhet. CLARA: The who of what? DOCTOR: Seven worlds orbiting the same star. All of them sharing a belief that life in the universe originated here. On that planet. CLARA: All life? DOCTOR: In the universe. CLARA: Did it? DOCTOR: Well, it's what they believe. It's a nice story. CLARA: Can we see it? Up close? The DOCTOR smiles and holds out his hand. CLARA puts her hand in his and he pulls her towards the TARDIS. EXT. MARKETPLACE, DAY The TARDIS materializes hidden behind some stalls off the main avenue. The DOCTOR hurries out with CLARA'S hand still in his. He is smiling with glee and she stops short when she sees all the alien races. She walks a little ahead of the DOCTOR, eyes darting around in wonder. The DOCTOR is waylaid by vendors. CLARA goes back to the DOCTOR. CLARA: Where are they from? DOCTOR: Oh, you know, the local system mostly. CLARA: What do I call them? DOCTOR: Well, let's see. (points) There go some Panbabylonians. A Lugal-Irra-Kush. Some Lucanians. A Hooloovoo. Ah! Qom VoTivig. (shares greeting with alien) That chap's a Terraberserker of the Kodion Belt. You don't see many of them around anymore. Oh! That's an Ultramancer. You know, I forget how much I like it here, we should come here more often. CLARA: You've been here before? DOCTOR: Yes, I came here a long time ago with my granddaughter. (heads off) CLARA: Hang on. CLARA runs after the DOCTOR and bumps into a tall alien. She stares at it before continuing on. The alien merely shakes its head. CLARA finds the DOCTOR at a booth where he is beaming over glowing blue spheres in a bowl. DOCTOR: Exotic fruit of some description. (scans with sonic) Non-toxic. Non-hallucinogenic. High in free radicals. And low in other stuff, I shouldn't wonder. CLARA takes a bite and shakes her head. DOCTOR: No? CLARA: So, why's everyone here? DOCTOR: (puts an arm around CLARA and walks with her) For the Festival of Offerings. Takes place every thousand years or so, when the rings align. It's quite a big thing, locally. Like Pancake Tuesday. The DOCTOR goes ahead again and CLARA turns around to come face-to-face with an alien that seems to have a dog-like face. CLARA: Whoa! It barks and snarls at CLARA. CLARA: (leans back) Erm, Doctor? The DOCTOR arrives and yaps at the alien. CLARA: What's happening? Why's it angry? DOCTOR: This isn't an it. It's a she. Dor'een, meet Clara. Clara, meet Dor'een. CLARA: Doreen? DOCTOR: Loose translation. She sounds a bit grumpy but she's a total love, actually, aren't you? (tickles DOR'EEN under the chin) Yes, you are. She's just asking if we fancy renting a moped. DOR'EEN backs out of the way to show the moped in question. CLARA barks and DOR'EEN barks in return. CLARA: So, how much does it cost? DOCTOR: Not money. Something valuable. Sentimental value. A photograph, love letter, something like that. That's what's used for currency here. Psychometry. Objects psychically imprinted with their history. The more treasured they are, the more value they hold. CLARA: That's horrible. DOCTOR: Better than using bits of paper. CLARA: Then you pay. DOCTOR: With what? CLARA: You're a thousand years old. You must have something you care about. CLARA looks around. The DOCTOR reaches into his pocket, pulls out the sonic, shakes his head and puts it away before leaving. CLARA laughs, turns around and finds herself alone. DOCTOR: Doctor? (goes looking for him) Doctor? CLARA continues to look for the DOCTOR when a young girl almost runs into her. She is scared. CLARA: Are you okay? The girl runs past CLARA. Two men dressed similarly to the girl come around the corner. MAN: Have you seen her? CLARA: Who? MAN: The Queen of Years. CLARA: Who? The two men continue their search for the girl. CLARA looks around and goes to find the girl herself. INT. WAREHOUSE, DAY CLARA enters the dark, cluttered warehouse cautiously. CLARA: Hello? CLARA takes a few steps toward the center. There is a crashing thud and she spins around with a gasp. She continues on a few steps and gasps when the GIRL steps out from behind some boxes. CLARA: Hey! Are you OK? Are you lost? Terrified, the GIRL runs and CLARA looks for her. The GIRL is hiding behind some boxes and tries to run as CLARA passes her hiding place. She bumps into some furniture and lets out a scream as CLARA turns around. They look at each other, breathing heavily. CLARA smiles and starts to laugh and the GIRL joins in. CLARA: Are you all right? The GIRL nods. CLARA: What are you doing? GIRL: Hiding. CLARA: Oh. Why? GIRL: You don't know me? CLARA: (crosses arms) Sorry, actually not. GIRL: So, why did you follow me? CLARA: To help. You looked lost. (takes a step closer) GIRL: I don't believe you. CLARA: (looks behind her and then whispers) I've got no idea who you might be. I've never been here before, I've never even been anywhere like here before. I just saw a little girl who looked like she needed help. GIRL: Really? CLARA: Really, really. GIRL: Can you help me? CLARA: That's why I'm still here. GIRL: Because I need to hide. The GIRL looks over her shoulder towards the entrance. In a clear area, the air swirls black and three eerie figures materialize. They are dressed in matching black leather with masks over their faces. CREATURE: (breathy) Merry, where are you? CLARA: I know the perfect box. (holds out her hand) CREATURE: Merry, where are you? Merry. Merry. Merry. The creatures move slowly yet menacingly after MERRY and CLARA. EXT. MARKETPLACE, DAY CLARA and MERRY make it outside the warehouse and hide until the way is clear to the TARDIS. CLARA sees someone coming and hides MERRY behind her and whistles until the alien passes. They continue on to the TARDIS. MERRY: What's this? CLARA: A space-shippy thing. Timey, spacey. MERRY: It's teeny. CLARA: You wait! (pulls on door but it won't open) Oh, come on. MERRY: What's wrong? CLARA: (steps back) I don't know. I don't think it likes me. (knocks on door and pulls handles) Come on. Let me in. MERRY sneaks around to the back of the TARDIS without CLARA seeing. CLARA: (sees MERRY is gone) Hey! (looks around side of TARDIS) Hey, little girl! MERRY: (peers around from the back) My name's Merry. MERRY ducks back behind the TARDIS and CLARA follows. She sits down beside the girl, resting her back against the TARDIS. CLARA: So what's happening? Is someone trying to hurt you? MERRY: No. I'm just scared. CLARA: Of what? MERRY: Getting it wrong. CLARA: OK. Can you pretend like I'm totally a space alien and explain? MERRY: I'm Merry Gejelh. CLARA: Really not local. Sorry. MERRY: The Queen of Years? They chose me when I was a baby, the day the last Queen of Years died. CLARA: OK. MERRY: I'm the vessel of our history. I know every chronicle. Every poem. Every legend. Every song. CLARA: Every single one? Blimey. I hated history. MERRY: And now I have to sing a song in front of everyone. A special song. I have to sing it to a aod. And I'm really scared. CLARA: Everyone's scared when they're little. I used to be terrified of getting lost. Used to have nightmares about it. And then I got lost. Blackpool beach, Bank Holiday Monday. About ten billion people. I was about six. My worst nightmare come true. MERRY: What happened? CLARA: The world ended. My heart broke. And then my mum found me. We had fish and chips and she drove me home and she tucked me up and she told me a story. ELLIE: (V.O.) It doesn't matter where you are... [SCENE_BREAK] FLASHBACK INT. BEDROOM, DAY CLARA is tucked up in bed, the book in her arms. ELLIE sits on the side of the bed. ELLIE: ...in the jungle or the desert or on the moon. However lost you may feel, you'll never really be lost. Not really. Because I'll always be here. And I'll always come and find you. Every single time. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. MARKETPLACE, DAY ELLIE: (V.O.) Every single time. MERRY: And you were never scared again? CLARA: Oh, I was scared lots of times. But never of being lost. So, this special song. What are you scared of, exactly? MERRY: Getting it wrong. Making Grandfather angry. CLARA: And do you think you'll get it wrong? Because I don't. I don't think you'll get it wrong. I think you, Merry Gejelh, will get it very, very right. MERRY smiles and hugs CLARA. They leave the safety of the TARDIS and head back into the marketplace, CLARA holding MERRY'S hand. The two men looking for MERRY see her and walk towards them. MERRY looks at CLARA who smiles encouragingly. MERRY meets the two men. They place a flower necklace over her and she leaves with them. The DOCTOR arrives eating one of the blue fruits. DOCTOR: What have you been doing? CLARA: Exploring. The DOCTOR shrugs and walks away. CLARA: Where are we going now? (follows) INT. TEMPLE, DAY A PRIEST sings as he kneels in front of the dais. He is dressed in robes similar to MERRY. PRIEST: (sings) Sleep, my precious, sleep A second PRIEST comes to relieve the first and seamlessly takes over the song. PRIEST 2: (sings) Lay down My warrior Now, my king. On the dais we see an alien creature dressed in robes sitting on a throne. It is enclosed in glass. This is AKHATEN. INT. AMPHITHEATRE, NIGHT The amphitheatre faces the temple. Two priests escort MERRY to a small pedestal in the center along the ledge. As they walk back the way they came, the DOCTOR and CLARA rush through. He skids to a stop. DOCTOR: Shh! Shh! (climb past others to their seats) Sorry, Sorry, excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me. (sits) CLARA: Sorry. Sorry. (sits) Are we even supposed to be here? DOCTOR: Shh. CLARA: But are we? DOCTOR: Shh! (to alien on other side of CLARA) Sorry. The alien growls. On the pedestal, MERRY looks nervously over to the temple. She turns her head and sees CLARA. She turns back, takes a deep breath and begins to sing. MERRY: (sings) Akhaten... EXT. TEMPLE, NIGHT The door to the temple slides upwards to open. INT. TEMPLE, NIGHT The PRIEST continues to kneel and sing. MERRY'S voice overlaps. PRIEST: (sings) Lay down, my king (stands and removes hood) Sleep now eternal (walks towards door) Sleep, my precious king... EXT. TEMPLE, NIGHT PRIEST: (sings) Lay down INT. AMPHITHEATRE, NIGHT MERRY: Oh, god of Akhaaaten... DOCTOR: They're singing to the AKHATEN in the Temple. They call it the Old God. Sometimes Grandfather. MERRY: (sings) Oh, god of Akhaaaten... CLARA: What are they singing? DOCTOR: The Long Song. A lullaby without end. To feed the old god. Keep him asleep. It's been going for millions of years. Chorister handing over to Chorister. Generation after generation after generation. MERRY: (sings) Akhaten... CLARA looks around as the members of the audience hold out their hands, each containing something valuable to them. MERRY and the PRIEST continue singing. CLARA: What are they doing? DOCTOR: Those are offerings. Gifts of value. Mementoes to feed the Old God. CLARA laughs as the offerings are accepted, disappearing into small bits of golden light. MERRY: (sings) Oh, god of... Oh, god of... Oh god of Akhaaaten... EXT. TEMPLE, NIGHT PRIEST: (sings) Sleep, my precious king INT. AMPHITHEATRE, NIGHT The audience joins in the song. The DOCTOR tries to join in. DOCTOR: (sings) Lay... CHORUS: (sings) Lay down... MERRY: (sings) Akhaaaten... Oh, god of... Oh, god of... Oh, god of... Oh, god of Akhaten. EXT. TEMPLE, NIGHT The PRIEST finishes and there a low rumbling comes from inside the temple. His look of elation changes to fear. INT. AMPHITHEATRE, NIGHT MERRY realizes something is wrong and turns around to face the gathering. They all know something isn't right. EXT. TEMPLE, NIGHT The PRIEST starts to sing in the hopes of putting AKHATEN back to sleep. PRIEST: (sings) Old god, protect us. (kneels and replaces hood) Old god, protect... INT. AMPHITHEATRE, NIGHT As everyone looks around, MERRY is wrapped in a force field and lifted from the pedestal. CLARA: OK. What's happening? Is this supposed to happen? MERRY: (flails) Help! CLARA: Is somebody going to do something? Excuse me? Is somebody going to help her? As MERRY is pulled towards the temple, the DOCTOR runs off and CLARA chases after him. EXT. MARKETPLACE, DAY The DOCTOR hurries through the stalls. CLARA follows. CLARA: Why are we walking away? We can't just walk away. This is my fault! I talked her into doing this! DOCTOR: (stops and walks back to CLARA) Listen. There's one thing you need to know about travelling with me... well, one thing apart from the blue box and the two hearts. We don't walk away. (continues on) EXT. SPACE MERRY flails and cries and she is pulled closer to the pyramid. EXT. MARKETPLACE, DAY The DOCTOR arrives at DOR'EEN's stall. He yaps and she barks and growls in response. The DOCTOR pats himself down before going to CLARA. DOCTOR: I need something precious. CLARA: Well, you must have something, all the places you've seen. DOCTOR: This. (pulls sonic from pocket) I don't want to give it away. It comes in handy. CLARA: You're 1,000 years old. And that's it, your spanner? DOCTOR: Screwdriver. CLARA looks down at her right hand and nervously touches a ring on one of her fingers. CLARA: (looks at DOCTOR) It's my Mum's. The DOCTOR says nothing, knowing it's her decision. CLARA takes off the ring and hands it to DOR'EEN. DOR'EEN senses the importance of the ring and accepts it as payment for the moped. The DOCTOR kisses his hand, taps CLARA on the head and goes to the moped. EXT. SPACE The DOCTOR rides the moped towards MERRY. CLARA reaches for MERRY as they get closer. CLARA: Merry! CLARA and MERRY'S hands come close to touching. Their hands graze before MERRY is pulled downwards and into the temple with a scream. EXT. TEMPLE, NIGHT The moped approaches the temple rather quickly. CLARA: Brakes! Brakes! They scream as they come to a stop. CLARA'S arms grip around the DOCTOR'S neck as she has her eyes closed. DOCTOR: OK, time to let go. CLARA: I can't. DOCTOR: Clara, you have to. CLARA: Why? DOCTOR: Because it really hurts. CLARA: Sorry. (lets go) The DOCTOR gets off the moped and goes to the door, using the sonic screwdriver on it. He checks the readings. DOCTOR: Oh, that's interesting. A frequency modulated acoustic lock. The key changes ten million, zillion, squillion times a second. CLARA: Can you open it? DOCTOR: Technically, no. In reality, also no. But still...let's give it a stab. The DOCTOR makes a run for the door. CLARA squeals as she covers her eyes. All the DOCTOR gets for his troubles is a sore shoulder. He uses the sonic again. EXT. TEMPLE, NIGHT MERRY sits up on the floor. The PRIEST is still singing. MERRY looks over her shoulder at him. PRIEST: (sings) Don't ever wake from slumber. Old god, never wake from slumber... EXT. TEMPLE, NIGHT The DOCTOR pounds on the door. CLARA: How can they just stand there and watch? DOCTOR: Because this is sacred ground. (uses sonic) CLARA: And she's a child. DOCTOR: And he's a god. (backs away from door to CLARA) Well, he is to them, anyway. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. TEMPLE, NIGHT MERRY walks forward cautiously to look at the AKHATEN on the throne. PRIEST: (sings) Do not wake from slumber Old god, do not wake from slumber Rest your weary, holy head and cast our lives asunder Do not wake from slumber... MERRY: (looks back at PRIEST) I don't know what to do next. (looks to AKHATEN) What happens? The AKHATEN's eyes glow red and MERRY screams. EXT. TEMPLE, NIGHT CLARA and the DOCTOR rush the door. The DOCTOR uses the sonic again. CLARA: Merry! Merry, hold on! We'll be there soon! Doctor? DOCTOR: Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Oh! Hello! CLARA: Hello what? DOCTOR: The sonic's locked on to the acoustic tumblers. CLARA: Meaning? DOCTOR: Meaning, I get to do this. The DOCTOR aims the sonic at the base of the door and it slowly rises. INT. TEMPLE, NIGHT MERRY turns around as the door opens. The DOCTOR stands underneath, keeping it open with the sonic. DOCTOR: Hello there. I'm the Doctor. And you've met Clara. She was supposed to be having a nice day out. (turns off sonic) Still, it's early yet. (door starts to close and uses sonic again) Are you coming, then? Did I mention that the door is immensely heavy? MERRY: Leave. You'll wake him! DOCTOR: Really quite extraordinarily heavy. Clara? (the DOCTOR is forced down on one knee) CLARA: Uh-huh? CLARA scoots past the DOCTOR and into the temple. She makes her way by the singing PRIEST to MERRY. CLARA: Merry, we need to leave. MERRY: No. Go away! CLARA: Not without you. MERRY: You said I wouldn't get it wrong and then I got it wrong! And now this has happened. Look what's happened! CLARA: You didn't get it wrong. The DOCTOR groans under the strain of keeping the door open. MERRY: How do you know? You don't know anything! You have to go! Go now! Or he'll eat us all. CLARA: Well, he's ugly. But, you know, to be honest... (steps on the dais and looks at the mummy before turning to MERRY) I don't think he looks big enough. MERRY: Not our meat. Our souls. CLARA reaches a hand out to MERRY. MERRY puts her hands to her head and releases a telekinetic force, pinning CLARA to the case. MERRY: He doesn't want you, he wants me. If you don't leave, he'll eat you all up too. DOCTOR: Yes and you don't want that, do you? You want us to walk out of this really quite astonishingly heavy door and never come back. MERRY: Yes. DOCTOR: I see. Right. Clara's right. Absolutely never going to happen. Oooh-ooh-ooh. The DOCTOR turns off the sonic and rolls on the floor into the temple. He reaches back to grab the sonic where it fell on the floor before the door closes. He stands. CLARA: Did you just lock us in? DOCTOR: Yep. CLARA: With the soul-eating monster. DOCTOR: Yep. CLARA: And is there actually a way to get out? DOCTOR: (walks forward) What? Before it eats our souls? CLARA: Ideally, yes. DOCTOR: Possibly. Probably. There usually seems to be. (looks at the PRIEST) CLARA: Doctor, why is he still singing? PRIEST: (sings) ..rest your weary, holy head... DOCTOR: (kneels in front of PRIEST) He's trying to sing the Old God back to sleep. It's not going to happen. He's waking up, mate. He coming, ready or not. You want to run. PRIEST: (sings) ..holy head and... (breathes heavily) DOCTOR: That's it, then? Song's over? PRIEST: The song is over. (stands) My name is Chorister Rezh Baphix, and the Long Song ended with me. The PRIEST pushes up his sleeve to show a bracelet. He presses a button and he dissipates into the air. DOCTOR: That's it, then! Song's over! The DOCTOR turns around and uses the sonic on AKHATEN. AKHATEN roars and leans forward on the throne. DOCTOR: Ha-ha! (rushes up to cage and presses against the glass) Look at that. MERRY: (stands in the middle of the room) You've woken him! AKHATEN is up from his throne and pounding against the glass behind CLARA who still can't move. CLARA: It's awake? What's it doing? DOCTOR: (walks around cage) Oh, you know, having a nice stretch. No, we didn't wake him. (points at MERRY) And you didn't wake him, either. He's waking because it's his time to wake. And feed. On you, apparently. On your stories. CLARA: She didn't say stories, she said souls. DOCTOR: Same thing. The soul's made of stories, not atoms. Everything that ever happened to us. People we love. People we lost. People we found again, against all the odds. He threatens to wake, they offer him a pure soul. The soul of the Queen of Years. As the DOCTOR talks, AKHATEN presses his face up to the glass by the DOCTOR, raging against his imprisonment and his inability to reach them. CLARA: (whispers) Stop it. You're scaring her. DOCTOR: Good. She should be scared! She's sacrificing herself. She should know what that means. (walks over to MERRY) Do you know what it means, Merry? MERRY: A god chose me. DOCTOR: It's not a god! It'll feed on your soul, but that doesn't make it a god. It is a vampire (points at AKHATEN) and you don't need to give yourself to it. Hey, do you mind if I tell you a story? (leans over) One you might not have heard? All the elements in your body were forged many, many millions of years ago, in the heart of a far away star that exploded and died. (kneels) That explosion scattered those elements across the desolations of deep space. After so, so many millions of years, these elements came together to form new stars and new planets. And on and on it went. The elements came together and burst apart, (stands) forming shoes and ships and sealing-wax and cabbages and kings. (stands behind MERRY and puts his hands on her shoulders) Until eventually, they came together to make you. You're unique in the universe. There is only one Merry Gejelh. And there will never be another. (walks forward with MERRY) Getting rid of that existence isn't a sacrifice. It is a waste. MERRY: So, if I don't, then everyone else... DOCTOR: Will be fine. As MERRY looks over at AKHATEN, the creature pounds on the glass with both hands. MERRY: How? DOCTOR: There's always a way. MERRY: You promise? DOCTOR: (moves his hands over his chest) Cross my hearts. The DOCTOR holds out his hand for MERRY. She takes it and grips it tight. She then turns and faces CLARA, releasing the field holding her in place. AKHATEN slams the glass behind CLARA and it cracks. She hurries down to the DOCTOR and MERRY. CLARA: Having a nice stretch?! The three of them head for the door but stop when they sense a change in the air. The ground begins to shake. CLARA: Something's coming. What's coming? MERRY: (scared) The Vigil. DOCTOR: And what's the Vigil? MERRY: If the Queen of Years is unwilling to be feasted upon... DOCTOR: Yes? MERRY: ..it's their job to feed her to Grandfather. Appearing in front of the dais are the same creatures that searched for MERRY in the warehouse. The DOCTOR takes out the sonic. MERRY: I'm sorry! I'm sorry! The Vigil advances on them. CLARA: Don't you dare. DOCTOR: Yeah, stay back. I'm armed. With a screwdriver. One of the Vigil bellows and the force of it knocks the sonic screwdriver from the DOCTOR'S hands and over to the floor by the wall. It bellows again and the DOCTOR is flipped over in the air, landing on his back. A second one sends CLARA back against the wall. MERRY tries to hide as the Vigil continues to advance. AKHATEN roars in his prison. MERRY is brought forward by the Vigil. CLARA and the DOCTOR slowly come to. Terrified, MERRY walks up the steps to stand in front of the cage. DOCTOR: Clara. Sonic. CLARA scrambles over to the sonic, picks it up and tosses it to the DOCTOR. The DOCTOR turns and aims it at the Vigil. The Vigil hold up their hands to create a force field. While they are blocking the energy from the sonic, MERRY runs over to CLARA. The DOCTOR advances on the Vigil, groaning. CLARA: (to MERRY) You know all the stories. You must know if there's another way out. MERRY: There's the tale. A secret song. "The Thief of the Temple and the Nimmer's Door". CLARA: And the secret songs open the secret door? How does it go? Can you sing it? MERRY: (sings) Ah-ah-ah-ah-aah-ah-ah. A side door slides open. The DOCTOR forces the Vigil to take a few steps back. DOCTOR: Go! CLARA and MERRY run for the open door. The DOCTOR pushes the Vigil back further and he makes his way closer to the door. EXT. TEMPLE, NIGHT CLARA and MERRY hurry outside to the moped. CLARA hears AKHATEN roar and runs back to the door to look inside. INT. TEMPLE, NIGHT The field created by the sonic dissipates as the DOCTOR turns off the sonic. EXT. TEMPLE, NIGHT CLARA: Doctor! The DOCTOR joins them outside. INT. TEMPLE, NIGHT AKHATEN roars. The Vigil walk towards the door. VIGIL: (breathy) Where are you? Where are you? EXT. TEMPLE, NIGHT The DOCTOR uses the sonic on the door. INT. TEMPLE, NIGHT AKHATEN roars and slams his fist against the glass, breaking it. He roars in exaltation. He is bathed in light. EXT. SPACE A beam of light shoots from the top of the pyramid to the sun. VIGIL: (V.O.) Where are you? Where are you? EXT. TEMPLE, NIGHT CLARA has her arms about MERRY. The DOCTOR uses the sonic on the Vigil. The creatures disappear. INT. TEMPLE, NIGHT AKHATEN is slumped on the throne. EXT. TEMPLE, NIGHT CLARA: Where did they go? DOCTOR: Grandfather's awake. They're of no function any more. CLARA: Well, you could sound happier about it. There is a distant explosion. DOCTOR: Actually, I think I may have made a tactical boo-boo. More of a semantics mix-up, really. CLARA: What boo-boo? DOCTOR: I thought the Old God was Grandfather but he wasn't. It was just the Grandfather's alarm clock. CLARA: Sorry, a bit lost. Who's the Old God? Is there an Old God? DOCTOR: Unfortunately, yes. They look up to the sun in the sky as it burns brighter, almost expanding. CLARA: Oh, my stars. What do we do? DOCTOR: Against that? I don't know. Do you know? I don't know. Any ideas? MERRY: But you promised! You promised! DOCTOR: I did. I did promise. (paces) MERRY: He'll eat us all. He'll spread across the system, consuming the Seven Worlds. And when there's no more to eat, he'll embark on a new odyssey among the stars. The gases on the sun whirl and burn, seeming to expand further. CLARA: I say leg it. DOCTOR: (looks at CLARA) Leg it where, exactly? CLARA: (looks at DOCTOR) Don't know. Lake District? DOCTOR: Oh, the Lake District's lovely. Let's definitely go there. We can eat scones. They do great scones in 19...27. (looks up at the sun) CLARA: (looks at sun) You're going to fight it, aren't you? DOCTOR: Regrettably, yes. I think I may be about to do that. CLARA: It's really big. DOCTOR: I've seen bigger. CLARA: (looks at DOCTOR) Really? DOCTOR: Are you joking? It's massive. CLARA: I'm staying with you. DOCTOR: No, you're not. CLARA: Yes, I am. I can... assist. DOCTOR: No, you can't. CLARA: What about that stuff you said? "We don't walk away." DOCTOR: No. We don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run. We run and run as fast as we can and we don't stop running until we're out from under the shadow. Now, off you pop. Take the moped. (straightens tie) I'll walk. (heads for door) INT. TEMPLE, NIGHT The DOCTOR enters the temple and looks across to the sun that now appears to have a face. DOCTOR: (to himself) Any ideas? No, didn't think so. Righty-ho, then. INT. AMPHITHEATRE, NIGHT CLARA lands the moped and helps MERRY off. Holding hands, they look towards the temple and the sun. Everyone in the amphitheatre knows there is something momentous happening. INT. TEMPLE, NIGHT DOCTOR: (whispers) Lordy. INT. AMPHITHEATRE, NIGHT MERRY: Isn't he frightened? CLARA: I think he is. I think he's very frightened. MERRY: I want to help. CLARA: So do I. MERRY steps onto the pedestal. She looks back at CLARA before facing the temple then starts to sing. MERRY: (sings) Rest now My warrior... INT. TEMPLE, NIGHT The DOCTOR smiles when he hears the singing. DOCTOR: OK, then. That's what I'll do. I'll tell you a story. INT. AMPHITHEATRE, NIGHT MERRY: (sings) Oh, oh-oh, oh-oh Oh-oh, oh-oh... Way-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay Wake up... The crowd joins in. CHORUS: (sings) Wake up... MERRY: (sings) And let the cloak of life cling to your bones... CLARA looks around and smiles. INT. TEMPLE, NIGHT The DOCTOR points towards the other planet with the amphitheatre. DOCTOR: Can you hear them? All these people who've lived in terror of you and your judgment? All these people whose ancestors devoted themselves. Sacrificed themselves. To you. Can you hear them singing? INT. AMPHITHEATRE, NIGHT MERRY: (sings) Way-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay Wake up... INT. TEMPLE, NIGHT We hear MERRY and the others singing as the DOCTOR talks with the Old God. DOCTOR: You like to think you're a god. But you're not a god. You're just a parasite eaten out with jealousy and envy and longing for the lives of others. You feed on them. On the memory of love and loss and birth and death and joy and sorrow. So... come on, then. Take mine. Take my memories. But I hope you've got a big appetite. Because I've lived a long life and I've seen a few things. The Old God shoots tendrils of light at the DOCTOR, sucking away his life and memories. INT. AMPHITHEATRE, NIGHT MERRY: (sings) Wake up And let the cloak Of life cling to your bones... DOCTOR: (V.O.) I walked away from the Last Great Time War. I marked the passing of the Time Lords. INT. TEMPLE, NIGHT DOCTOR: I saw the birth of the universe and I watched as time ran out, moment by moment, until nothing remained. No time. No space. Just me. I've walked in universes where the laws of physics were devised by the mind of a madman. I've watched universes freeze and creations burn. I've seen things you wouldn't believe. I've lost things you'll never understand. And I know things. Secrets that must never be told. Knowledge that must never be spoken. Knowledge that will make parasite gods blaze. (spreads arms out) So come on then! Take it! Take it all, baby! Have it! You have it all! The sun grows darker. The DOCTOR hangs his head. INT. AMPHITHEATRE, NIGHT MERRY: (sings) Wake up Wake u-u-u-up. MERRY finishes singing and smiles. Everyone looks towards the sky and watches, waiting. There is a large explosion and the sun expands, growing brighter. CLARA thinks of the DOCTOR, there, alone. [SCENE_BREAK] FLASHBACK INT. BEDROOM, DAY ELLIE: And I'll always come and find you. Every single time. EXT. MARKETPLACE, DAY DOCTOR: We don't walk away. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AMPHITHEATRE, NIGHT CLARA rushes away. INT. TEMPLE, NIGHT The DOCTOR falls to his knees. EXT. SPACE CLARA races the moped back to the temple. INT. TEMPLE, NIGHT CLARA runs into the temple carrying her book. The DOCTOR looks up at her. Taking courage from him, CLARA hugs the book and faces the Old God. CLARA: Still hungry? (opens book) Well, I brought something for you. This. (holds the leaf in her palm) The most important leaf in human history. [SCENE_BREAK] FLASHBACK EXT. STREET, DAY The MAN walks along the sidewalk, looking around to get his bearings. A leaf blows loose from a tree and covers his face. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TEMPLE, NIGHT CLARA: The most important leaf in human history. It's full of stories, full of history. [SCENE_BREAK] FLASHBACK EXT. PARK, DAY CLARA swings on her parents' arms as they lift her. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TEMPLE, NIGHT CLARA: And full of a future that never got lived. Days that should have been that never were. [SCENE_BREAK] FLASHBACK EXT. CEMETARY, DAY We see ELLIE'S gravestone. CLARA: (V.O.) Passed on to me. CLARA turns and sees the DOCTOR as he walks away. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TEMPLE, NIGHT CLARA: (holds up leaf) This leaf isn't just the past, it's a whole future that never happened. There are billions and millions of unlived days for every day we live. An infinity. All the days that never came. And these are all my mum's. The Old God sends tendrils to the leaf and begins absorbing it. DOCTOR: (stands) Well, come on then. Eat up. Are you full? I expect so because there's quite a difference, isn't there, between what was and what should have been? There's an awful lot of one, but there's an infinity of the other. And infinity's too much. Even for your appetite. The leaf is gone. CLARA and the DOCTOR look at each other. The sun implodes, leaving them in darkness. EXT. MAITLAND HOUSE, DAY The TARDIS materializes in the front drive. INT. TARDIS The DOCTOR is at the console. CLARA heads for the door. DOCTOR: Home again, home again, jiggity-jig! CLARA: (opens door) It looks different. DOCTOR: Nope. Same house. Same city. Same planet. Same day, actually. Not bad. (swings a pretend golf club) Hole in one! CLARA closes the door and takes a few steps inside. CLARA: You were there. At Mum's grave. You were watching. What were you doing there? DOCTOR: (fidgets with controls) I don't know. I was just... making sure. CLARA: Of what? DOCTOR: (walks to CLARA) You remind me of someone. CLARA: Who? DOCTOR: Someone who died. CLARA: Well, whoever she was, I'm not her, OK? If you want me to travel with you, that's fine. But as me. Not a bargain basement stand-in for someone else. I not going to compete with a ghost. DOCTOR: (shakes head) No. (reaches into pocket and pulls out her ring) They wanted you to have it. CLARA: Who did? DOCTOR: Everyone. All the people you saved. CLARA takes the ring, kisses it and slips it onto her finger. DOCTOR: You. No-one else. Clara. CLARA smiles before opening the door and stepping outside. The DOCTOR watches from the doorway before closing the door.	Plan: A: The Doctor; Q: Who takes Clara to the Rings of Akhaten? A: Clara's past; Q: What does the Doctor investigate? A: Clara; Q: Who asks to be taken to see "something awesome"? A: her mother; Q: Who died when Clara was young? A: a large planet; Q: What is the Rings of Akhaten orbiting? A: the local religion; Q: What religion believes life began on the Rings of Akhaten? A: a young girl; Q: Who is Merry Gejelh? A: Merry Gejelh; Q: Who is about to be sacrificed in the Festival of Offerings? A: the Old God; Q: Who is a parasite of memories and sentiment? A: her treasured leaf; Q: What does Clara offer to the Old God? A: her parents; Q: Who did Clara's leaf cause to meet? A: every choice; Q: What does Clara say has infinite possibilities? Summary: The Doctor investigates Clara's past, finding nothing unusual but discovering that her mother died when she was young. When he returns to Clara, she requests that she be taken to see "something awesome". The Doctor takes her to the Rings of Akhaten, a ring system orbiting a large planet where the local religion believes life began. The society's currency is items of sentimental value. Clara runs into a young girl named Merry Gejelh, who is about to be sacrificed in the Festival of Offerings, which is to appease the Old God. The Doctor and Clara save Merry and discover that the Old God is really a parasite of memories and sentiment that lives inside the large planet. Clara offers it her treasured leaf that caused her parents to meet, and as she points out that there are infinite possibilities to every choice, she defeats the parasite.
Scene: Penny's apartment. Penny: Okay, now holding sides of hearth in position, lower mantelpiece assembly onto top tabs. Leonard: Look at that, I built a fireplace with my own two hands. Penny: You're so butch. Leonard: Aw, I got a little paper cut. Penny: Of course you did. Your hands are softer than veal. Leonard: Oh, before I forget, Saturday I'm planning a little Dungeons and Dragons night with the guys. Penny: Really? That's how you're gonna spend your Saturday night? Leonard: Oh, come on, I hardly ever get a chance to play anymore. Penny: Oh, you poor thing. Is having a real-life girlfriend who has sx with you getting in the way of your board games? Leonard: Little bit, yeah. Scene: The apartment. Amy: Oh, great! I've always wanted to play Dungeons and Dragons. Sheldon: Yeah, oh, I'm sorry. I should've mentioned this earlier. You're not invited. Amy: Why not? Sheldon: Amy, from time to time, we men need to break free from the shackles of civility and get in touch with our primal animalistic selves. Amy: By rolling dice and playing make-believe with little figurines? Sheldon: Yeah, like a bunch of savages. Scene: Howard and Bernadette's apartment. Bernadette is on the webcam. Bernadette: Saturday night? But I've been working late all week. That was gonna be our night. Howard: But I have to go. We play as a group. If-if I'm not there, then everyone will blame you. They'll be all, Bernadette ruined everything. She's the worst. So, you see? I have to play Dungeons and Dragons for the marriage. Bernadette: You're an idiot. Howard: I'm your idiot. Forever. Scene: Raj's apartment. Raj: So, listen, I know we talked about getting a bite to eat in Silver Lake, and then seeing the Christmas lights in Griffith Park, but Leonard's talking about a big D and D game at his place. Stuart: Saturday night just went from crazy to epic. Woo-hoo! Credits sequence. Scene: The apartment. Leonard: All right, Sheldon, to start our quest you need to open this little Christmas gift I got you. Sheldon: A Christmas gift? You know I don't enjoy Christmas. Stuart: What's wrong with Christmas? Sheldon: Oh, where to begin? Trees indoors. Overuse of the words 'tis and 'twas. And the absurd custom of one stocking. Everyone knows socks belong in pairs. Who uses one sock? Howard:Pirate with a peg leg? Sheldon: Actually that helps, thank you. Leonard: Would you just look inside? Sheldon: Oh, a scroll. I like scrolls. They're my third favourite system of transmitting the written word. After stone tablets and skywriting. You have all been summoned to join a thrilling Dungeons and Dragons adventure. Your quest begins in a secret northern village of elves who have all been massacred. I like where this is heading. Your task is to rescue their leader from a dungeon of ogres. Oh, that's a saucy twist. That leader's name, Santa Claus. No, no, no. Leonard: It's actually ho, ho, ho, but you'll get the hang of it. Thought it'd be fun to make a quest with a holiday theme. Sheldon: Fun? Mixing Dungeons and Dragons with Christmas is like making a sandwich of grape jelly, the best-tasting jelly, and petroleum jelly, the worst-tasting jelly. Leonard: Okay, here we go. You find yourselves in the smoking remains of Santa's village. Clearly, a great battle has taken place. Raj: Oh, man, the first monster I see, I'm gonna sneak up behind him, whip out my wand, and shoot my magic all over his ass. Stuart: Do you hear yourself when you say these things? Leonard: Okay, there are ogre tracks and a trail of broken candy canes in the snow. Sheldon, what do you do? Sheldon: I signal my contempt for your cruel plan to shove Christmas joy down my throat by making a gesture that says get a load of this guy. Leonard: Fine. Howard, what do you do? Howard: I follow the ogre tracks, checking for secret doors along the way. Leonard: And you discover a secret door leading to a dark corridor. Howard: Okay, guys, let's make a plan, spell casters in the back, warriors in the front. Raj: No, screw that noise, I'm going in. Hang on, Santa, I'm coming for you. Leonard: Okay, you run into a room full of weapons, hit a trip wire, a cannon blows your face off, you die, you're out of the game. Raj: But, a cannon? Am I really out of the game? Sheldon: Lucky. Leonard: Okay, come on, moving on. Raj: Wait, doesn't anyone have a rod of resurrection? Because if you've got one, I need it bad. Get in here with your rod and give it to me. Stuart: Okay, you need to say these things in your head before you say them out loud. Penny (entering): Hey, guys. I don't mean to interrupt your little game, but I thought you'd like to see what you're missing out on. So, Bernadette? Bernadette's wearing leopard-print pumps and a rack-tastic red dress from Forever 21. And there's Amy, showing all kinds of ankle. In an outfit I'm assuming is from Forever 63. And I, myself am wearing a little number that got me out of two speeding tickets and jury duty. Sheldon: I know they're making a rhetorical point, I just don't know what it is. Penny: See you, boys. We are going drinking. Raj: Uh, wait, can I come with you? My character died. Bernadette: Sorry, Raj, it's girls' night out. Amy: Maybe another time. Leonard: Okay... Penny: Come on. Raj: Ooh! Girls' night, girls' night! Ooh! Ooh! Stuart: How does he not hear that? Scene: A bar. Amy: So, what's the plan? Are we gonna teach our fellas a lesson by getting stinking drunk, luring strange men into the bathroom, and turning the toilet stall into a temple of the senses? Bernadette: No! Penny: No! Amy: Geez, who's Forever 63 now? Raj: Can we get another bottle of champagne for the table? Don't worry. It's my treat. Amy: Thanks. Penny: Wow, you should come to girls' night more often. And not just because if you weren't here, this would be a can of Pabst. Raj: My pleasure, nothing makes me happier than the chance to spoil a lady. Just ask my dog. My vet says if I give her any more foie gras, she's going to die of gout. Bernadette: Hey, let's help Raj meet a girl tonight. Raj: No, no, no, I'm fine. Penny: Okay, wait, are we talking one-night stand or do we want to get him into a relationship? Amy: Let's get him laid! Raj: Stop it. You're ruining girls' night. Penny: Raj, you're a great guy, you're in a bar full of single women, let us help you. Bernadette: Yeah, you're a real catch. I know you're shy, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't have someone wonderful in your life. Raj: That's sweet of you. But what can you do to help? Bernadette: We'll nose around, see if we can find a nice girl, and then introduce you. Raj: Okay. Well, a couple of things. Don't tell them I come from money. I want them to love me for me. They must be insanely hot. Like, nines or tens. Penny: Nines or tens? Raj: Okay, an eight is acceptable if she's willing to bring another eight to the hot tub. Bernadette: Bottom line, you'll take any woman who'll have you, right? Raj: In a New Delhi minute. Scene: The apartment. Stuart: I don't remember you buying these miniatures in my store. Leonard: Oh, uh, yeah. I got 'em on Amazon. Stuart: Sure. I get it. Why support a friend when you can support a multinational conglomerate that is crushing the life out of that friend? Leonard: I know, but when I shop online, I can do it on the toilet. Stuart: Have you seen my store? The whole place is a toilet. Howard: Can we please move this along? Leonard: Yeah, sorry. Uh, you come to the end of the tunnel and find a large chest. What do you do? And, Howard, do not say, I feel up the large chest. Howard: Excuse me, I'm a married man now. I wasn't going to say anything so juvenile. Leonard: Great. What do you do? Howard: I walk up to the large chest, bury my face in it and go "blublublublublublublublu" Sheldon: I open the chest. Leonard: It's locked, but suddenly the door behind you slams shut and now the walls of the room start closing in. Stuart: That's not good. My character and I both have claustrophobia. Leonard: Glowing letters appear on the chest that read, If squashed to death you wish not to be, sing of Svaty Vaclav and his victory. Howard: Who the hell is Svaty Vaclav? Leonard: Walls are getting closer. Stuart: Oh, boy, happy place, happy place. Sheldon: Wait, Svaty Vaclav was the Duke of Bohemia. Leonard: You're ten seconds away from getting crushed. Nine, eight. Howard: What are we supposed to do? Leonard: Seven, six. Sheldon: Wait, wait. Svaty Vaclav is better known as Good King Wenceslas from the beloved Victorian Christmas carol. Howard: Never heard of it. Must be the one Christmas song not written by a Jewish guy. Leonard: Three, two. Stuart: Somebody sing the damn song. Sheldon: Good King Wenceslas looked out, on the feast of Stephen. When the snow lay 'round about, deep and crisp and even Leonard: The walls are getting slower. Sheldon: Brightly shone the moon that night, though the frost was cruel. When a poor man came in sight gathering winter fuel. Leonard:The walls stop. You're safe. Howard: That was amazing, Sheldon. Stuart: How did you know that? Sheldon: It was simple. I combined a well-known historical fact about Bohemia with the memory of my grandparents, Mee-Maw and Pop-Pop, singing Christmas carols while I sat in front of the fire and tried to build a high-energy particle accelerator out of Legos. Leonard: Okay, continuing our quest. Sheldon: W-W-Wait. There's still four more verses. You don't sing a song and not finish it. Hither, page, and stand by me, if thou know'st it, telling. Yonder peasant, who is he? Where and what his dwelling? Brightly shone the moon that night, though the frost... Scene: The bar. Bernadette: Looks like he's doing pretty good. Penny: Of course he is. Look, that girl just got dumped by her boyfriend. She's angry, she's drunk, and her favorite movie is Slumdog Millionaire. I mean. Amy: That is some low-hanging fruit. Bernadette: Oh, here he comes. Penny: So, how'd it go? Raj: Great. I bought her a couple of drinks, and she gave me her e-mail address. Penny: Ooh! Bernadette: Jennifer at not-even-if-you-were-the-last-guy-on-earth dot loser. Raj: What? Bernadette: I'm sorry, Raj. Raj: Why can't I find someone? I'm smart, I've got a cool job, and my naturally bronzed complexion means I can pull off mustard yellow in a way most guys can't. Penny: Oh, honey, it's not you, it's them. Raj: No, it's not. She was too beautiful for me. Bernadette: Why would you say that? Raj: It's true. I'm always attracted to women I can't have. I do it all the time. I did the same thing with the two of you. Amy: The two of them? I don't understand. Raj: Well, uh, there was a time when I had a thing for Penny, and I thought she was into me, too, because she got drunk and naked and climbed into bed with me. But apparently I misread those signals. Amy: And you liked Bernadette also? Raj: That was before Penny. I make it a rule to only fall for one of my friends' girlfriends at a time. I'm very old-fashioned that way. Amy: So at, uh, some point, you probably had a thing for me, too. Raj: No, not really. Penny: Oh, come on, Raj, not even a little bit? Raj: Not that I can think of. Bernadette: Think harder. Raj: Nope. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. Or in this case, doesn't, I mean, at all. What? [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is still singing. Sheldon: Ye who now will bless the poor, shall yourselves find blessing. Ba-da-bum. Howard: Done? Sheldon: I think the word you're looking for is bravo. Leonard: Okay, you leave the room and find yourself standing before a pool of melted snowmen. Sheldon: Melted snowmen? Are there carrots and lumps of coal in the water? Leonard: I don't know. What's the difference? Sheldon: Well it's a game of the imagination, Leonard. Paint a picture. Leonard: Fine. You leave the room and find yourself standing before a pool of melted snowmen. There are carrots and lumps of coal in the water. Sheldon: What happened to the top hats and the corncob pipes? Leonard: You see those, too. Sheldon: Oh, it's like I'm really there. Stuart: I gotta tell you, this, this is the most holiday fun I've had since my therapist changed my anxiety medication and I stopped caring about the blood in my stool. Howard: Good story. Leonard: What are you drinking there? A little eggnog? Sheldon: Yes. What, is there a problem? Leonard: No, it's nice to see you enjoying a holiday beverage. Pretty Christmassy. Sheldon: Since when is eggnog a Christmas drink? Eggs are available all year 'round. I've been known to enjoy this poolside. Leonard: Come on, Sheldon. You know all the Christmas stories, and the carols, you've got an eggnog moustache going on there. Just admit it. You're getting a little Yuletide spirit. Sheldon: Oh, don't be silly. Christmas is a bunch of baloney created by the tinsel industry. Why is this so important to you? Leonard: Honestly, because I had enough crappy Christmases as a kid and I'm tired of you sucking the joy out of them now. Stuart: What was so bad about them? Leonard: I grew up in a house full of crazy academics. Instead of leaving Santa milk and cookies, we had to leave him a research paper. And in the morning, you could tell he'd been there because the paper would be graded. Sheldon: No wonder you love Christmas. That sounds amazing. Leonard: It wasn't amazing. I got a C-minus four years in a row. Sheldon: Yeah, I'm familiar with your work. C-minus was your gift. Scene: The bar. Raj: Amy, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. Amy: It's fine. I'm used to being the girl who never gets looked at twice. I didn't have my first kiss till I was 22, and the guy only did it so I'd give him back his insulin. Bernadette: Sometimes the pancreas wants what the pancreas wants. Amy: Forget it. I don't expect you guys to understand. Raj: I understand. In seventh grade, I played Spin the Bottle and it landed on Alina Shankar. She said if I came near her, she would break the bottle and cut me. Amy: You think that's bad? In college, I passed out at a frat party and woke up with more clothes on. Raj: Sometimes I get so lonely, I sit on my left hand until it goes numb, then I put it in my right hand and pretend I'm holding hands with another person. Amy: I do that, too. Sometimes the left hand tries to cop a feel. And I let it. Raj: It's kind of nice to talk to someone who understands what it feels like to be alone. Amy: It is, isn't it? Raj: But you're not alone anymore. Now you've got Sheldon. Amy: I do. And don't worry, someday you'll have somebody, too. Raj: Thank you. I hope she's half as lovely and amazing as you are. Amy: Thank you, Rajesh. He wants me, I'm good. We can go now. Raj: Damn it. Penny: What? Raj: Now that I know she doesn't like me, I'm kind of into her. Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is writing numbers on a whiteboard. Sheldon: All right. I think I cracked the code to lower the drawbridge. Howard: Great. Let's do it. (They pick up bells and play according to the numbers. The tune is Jingle Bells) Leonard: The drawbridge is lowering. Stuart: My carpal tunnel's acting up. Sheldon: Play through the pain. Leonard: You did it. The drawbridge is down. You cross the chasm and find yourself in a small dungeon room. And in the corner, chained to the wall, you see a bloodied and beaten Santa Claus. He says, ho, ho, help me. Howard: Yes, we found Santa. Christmas is saved. Don't ever tell my mother I said that. Stuart: I take out my skeleton key and run to Santa to unchain him. Sheldon: But first, I cast a spell of paralysis on Stuart and Howard. Howard: Wait, what are you doing? Sheldon: You can't talk, you're paralyzed. I get right up in Santa's big, fat face and say, well, well, well, jolly old Saint Nick, we meet again. Yeah, I believe the last time we spoke was in the Baybrook Mall in Galveston, Texas, when I was five years old, isn't that right? Leonard: Uh, okay. Sheldon: My mother dragged me there and she plopped me down on your lap and you asked me what I wanted for Christmas. And I told you, my Pop-Pop, because that was the year my grandfather died. I missed him and I wanted him back. Leonard: This is weird, right? Sheldon: Pop-Pop was the only one in my family who encouraged me to pursue science. But you didn't bring him back, did you? No, instead, I got Lincoln Logs. Well, you can build a lot of neat things out of Lincoln Logs, but Pop-Pop ain't one of 'em. And now you're here asking me for something, to save you. Well, sorry, Mr. Kringle, but today's not your day. I'm leaving you here to rot, and I hope the ogres feast on your bones. I take the skeleton key, and I toss it into the chasm, and on the way out, I give Santa a swift kick in his bowl full of jelly! Leonard: Okay. So Wolowitz and Stuart are paralyzed, Santa's dead, and I picked this over having sx with my girlfriend. Scene: The apartment, late at night. Sheldon: Santa? Santa: Oh, hello, Sheldon. You should be asleep. Sheldon: Well, then, you shouldn't have jingle bells on your boots. Santa: Oh. I've been wanting to talk to you. I'm sorry I disappointed you when you were a little boy. I can do a lot of magical things, but unfortunately bringing your Pop-Pop back isn't one of them. Sheldon: I understand. Santa: But I do have something special for you. Close your eyes. Sheldon: Oh, I hope it's a train. Santa: Oh, it's better than a train. Sheldon: Two trains? Santa: Better. Sheldon: I'm getting three trains. Santa: Okay, open 'em. (It's a cannon, pointed at Sheldon) This is for leaving me in the dungeon to be eaten alive by ogres! Sheldon: Wait, uh, uh, hang on. In my defense... Santa: Ho, ho, ho, ya big dork. (Fires cannon)	Plan: A: Stuart; Q: Who is the only person who plays Dungeons and Dragons without the women? A: Dungeon master Leonard; Q: Who sets up a Christmas theme? A: a Christmas theme; Q: What theme does Leonard set up for the men to play? A: players; Q: Who must rescue Santa Claus from a gang of ogres? A: Santa Claus; Q: Who does Sheldon have a nightmare about? A: Raj; Q: Whose character dies early in the game? A: Amy; Q: Who is the only woman in the gang to whom Raj was not yet attracted to? A: girls' night; Q: What is the name of the night Raj joins Penny, Bernadette and Amy for? A: a bar; Q: Where did Raj go after his character died? A: a partner; Q: What do Raj's friends want to find him? A: her partner; Q: Who did the woman who rejected Raj just split with? A: ; Raj laments; Q: What does Raj say about being single? A: loneliness; Q: What does Amy share with Raj? A: Santa's dungeon; Q: Where did Sheldon paralyze Howard and Stuart's characters? A: Pop-Pop (Sheldon's maternal grandfather; Q: Who is the only family member to encourage Sheldon's scientific pursuits? A: life; Q: What does Sheldon want Santa to bring back to Pop-Pop? A: a train set; Q: What did Sheldon think Santa was going to give him? A: panic; Q: What does Sheldon wake up in when Santa fires a cannon at him? Summary: The men and Stuart play Dungeons and Dragons without the women. Dungeon master Leonard sets up a Christmas theme where players must rescue Santa Claus from a gang of ogres, to Sheldon's chagrin as he hates Christmas. Raj's character dies early on, so he joins Penny, Bernadette and Amy for girls' night at a bar. They want to find Raj a partner. He is rejected by someone who just split with her partner; Raj laments remaining single despite otherwise being successful. The women sympathize, Amy even sharing her experiences of loneliness with him. This comforts him but also draws him to Amy, the only woman in the gang to whom he was not yet attracted. In the game, meanwhile, Sheldon paralyses Howard's and Stuart's characters in Santa's dungeon, berating Santa for not bringing Pop-Pop (Sheldon's maternal grandfather, the only family member to encourage his scientific pursuits) back to life, his childhood Santa wish. He abandons Santa to be eaten alive by the ogres. Sheldon later has a nightmare about Santa, who is sorry he can bring nobody back to life, but has a present for Sheldon. Anticipating a train set, he wakes in panic when Santa fires a cannon at him.
CRU ROAD - Casey's car Radio : Welcome back from break all you students from Cyprus Rhode. The weather today will be clear and sunny. Casey : Oh my God no more, enough! Rusty : I can't believe you just did that. That was the mixed CD Jen-K made me for our three and a half week anniversary and you littered it. Casey : I have listened to that song every moment of every day for the past four weeks of what was supposed to be my restorative break. Rusty : It's a really good song. Casey : Ok stop, it's ending right now. I've had it with your psychotic mopping. If anyone should be depressed, it's me. I was the one who got dumped last semester, you dumped her. You are in the inpowered position. You could take her back if you wanted. Rusty : You think I should take her back? Casey : Hell, no, Ok stop! Rusty : If I'm in the inpowered position because I'm the dumper, and I feel like crap, then how can you, as the dumpee, not feel like a pathetic loser? Casey : Do you want to walk? Rusty : Not that you're a pathetic loser, but how can you not feel like one? I mean, I feel like one. Casey : I took restorative steps over break. I completely purged Evan from my life. I deleted e-mails, threw away love letters, watched Oprah. I decided to move on and so I did. You can do it too. Decide to be done with Jen-K, and you will be, decide this is going to be a great semester, and it will be. Rusty : You think I can do that? Casey : I know you can. We are starting anew. I've new things to think about as president, you have... whatever things you need to think about. We have a clean slate, and we can write whatever we want on it. Rusty : So much for a clean slate. Casey : Oprah, help me! Credits KT HOUSE - Cappie's room Rebecca : Stop, I'm serious, I hate being tickled. Nice poster, highly original. Cappie : You're just noticing that poster now? Rebecca : Let's just say I haven't been in a position to notice the poster. It's 2:17, that's 17 minutes past when I said I had to go. Cappie : You know what? Let's end on an even number. I don't like odd numbers, it's bad luck in so many cultures. Rebecca : 2:18, got to go. Cappie : Right, vacation time is over. Rebecca : Which means, this is over too. We both said it was for fun, but that's it. Just a fling. Cappie : Fling-tastic! CRU - Meeting room Casey : I'm sorry, I think you are in the ZBZ seat. Tri Pi girl : And I think you guys lost the privilege to sit here at the table. Oh but look, there is a seat right between the Moo Gamma pig and the Sci-Fi pie! Casey : I don't really care where I sit. Cappie : So, you are slumming at our end of the table? Casey : How was your break? Cappie : Productive. How about yours? Casey : Productive. Evan : I want to thank everybody for coming on such short notice. Cappie : Dean Bowman? You have grown younger, share with us your magic. Evan : Over break, the university formed a greek task force, comprised of alumni and administrators to deal with the article. I was appointed their liaison, and this is what we came up with. You guys can basicaly see for yourself. It's curfews, cops checking IDs, higher GPA requirements, wristbands. Cappie : Wristbands? Good God man, not wristband, come on! Evan : Those of you who don't comply, will be punished with fines and probation, If it comes down to permanent shutdown, which in the case of the Kappa Taus, might be doing us all a favor. Tri Pi girl : Why should we all get worked because the ZBZs screwed up? Casey : First let me just say, as intern president, I'm willing to take responsability for ZBZ's role in this mess. And I can promise all of you, that we'll do whatever we need to do, to restore the university's faith in us. But if we want to get through this, we have to work together. It sucks that we have to follow these new rules, at least for a little while, but I'm fully confident, that we can still have fun Tri Pi girl : You are the last person we are going to listen to right now. Am I right? Evan : Casey is right. Casey : I am? I am. And furthermore, I've been thinking a lot about a way to start the semester off, with a big rule-following thing. A back to school Carnival. Those were always a blast, right? And each house can have their own booth, and raise money for whatever happens to be, dean Bowman's favorite charity. Evan : Yeah, I like it. I mean showing our unity, benefiting charity will send a positive message to the administration. I mean guys, we can't deny what happened last semester, but we can work to move past it, together. Cappie : What happened? What page are we on? CRU Dale : I'm telling you, the Crystal Cathedral puts on quite a show, they had live lambs. You should come next year. Rusty : It's great, Dale. Dale : Man, there is nothing like to smell a new textbook. I think space plasma physics smells the best, don't you? Rusty : Hi, J.... Jeremy, how are you? Dale : That was the third Jen-K, this morning. She has bewitched you. "That was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner." First Timothy, 2.14. Rusty : I don't know how Casey is doing it. It's even harder now that I'm back here, scene of the crime. Dale : Yeah, I heard about Casey and her beau. Do you think she's still a virgin? CRU Evan : Hey Calvin ! Calvin : Hey Evan, how's it going? Evan : How is it going? You turned in your pledge pin, without talking me about it, it's pretty lame. I thought we were friends. Calvin : We are. Evan : And I would like for us to still be brothers. Calvin : The rest of the guys, it's just... Evan : They were surprised. You just walked out. Calvin : I walked out, because everyone was looking at me like I was wearing Ashleigh's chaps. Evan : What's wrong with Ashleigh's chaps? I want you to consider giving Omaga Chi another chance. Alright, we might surprise you. KT HOUSE - Living room Rusty : Did you see anyone from school over break? Like Rebecca... Cappie : Rebecca who? Rusty : Rebecca Logan. The senator's daughter. Cappie : Just a fling. Nothing more to say. Rusty : Cause now that Casey's free... Cappie : You know what they say? Dump me once, shame on you. Dump me seven times, shame on me. And Also shame on guys who wear braided belts, they just give me the willies. You know what else give me the willies? You pimping out your sister. Do you want Perv to be your new nickname? You like that? CRU - Street Casey : Evan stood up and defended me, which, I'm sure, means nothing. Ashleigh : Or maybe he wants you back. Not that you'd care since you're keep telling me that you two are done, so... That you're over him. Casey : I am! I so am! But that doesn't mean I want him to hate me. Maybe he took time to cool off over break, which means: maybe, in a distant future, we can actually be friends. Ashleigh : It's never a good idea to be friend with the exs. It always end as disaster. Imagine if Travis and I try to be friends. He's still holding my iPod hostage, 'cause I dumped him for Calvin. Casey : Have you talked to Calvin since the whole... Ashleigh : I've left him um-teen millions texts. And I stopped by the Omega Chi's house, he's already turned in his pledge pin. I miss him. This is creepy. Casey : At least, the house is a safe heaven. This whole war zone field is really bringing me down. ZBZ HOUSE - Hallway Casey : Are we in the wrong house? Lizzi : Let me guess. You girls are Ashleigh, and Casey. Casey : How did you know? Lizzi : I memorized your faces in the composite. I like to do a little memory, so I never forget a face. Lizzi. That's is Lizzi with two ZBZ "Z". You could totally use that. Casey : And, who are you? Lizzi : First, and most importantly, I'm your fellow ZBZ sister. And secondly, I'm here in my capacity as ZB National Chapter Consultant. To help you girls with this little sticky situation... I'll start figuring all out in the chapter meeting tonight. Ashleigh : Tonight? But that semester hasn't even started yet. Lizzi : But 2/3 of the house has already checked back in, and you know what that mean. Quorum! Casey : Quorum? Lizzi : The rules very clearly state that with that many sisters present, we have to have a weekly meeting. Right. Casey : Let me get this straight. You're just gonna be staying here for the chapter meeting. Lizzi : Not just for the meeting. I'm gonna be here until ZBZ National determines that you're back on the straight narrow. I could be anchored a nice long while. I think that deserves a ZBZ hug, don't you? Hug me! Hug me! That's really nice, girls! ZBZ HOUSE - Dinning room Casey : Hi everyone. Welcome back! There is a lot to discuss. But first, let me introduce Lizzi. Our chapter consultant. ZBZ alumn for North Central Polytech. So, to start the meeting... Lizzi : I'm sorry. You skipped right over the opening chapter call-response. Casey : We don't really do that. It's just formal, it takes so long. Now, we have so many important matters to discuss. Lizzi : That ritual is such an ethical part of being a ZBZ. I'm sorry, sorry. I'm just taking notes for my deal report to take it at National. It's no big hoop. But it is what determines what is required for the disciplinary action. Don't worry! Pretend I'm not even here. Casey : Everyone... Lizzi : Fellow sisters. Casey : Please repeat after me. "Living together in love and respect. "We pledge to uphold the standards "and ideals at the ZBZ creed and cabinet. "If we so speak up of these outside the vault, "may our lips crimble, and desintegrate." It's been a long break. I'll have to teach the girls the memory check. First order of business, the all Greek back to school Carnival. Lizzi : Applause is disruptive, and it's disrespectful. So, as ZBZs, if we wanna show our entusiasmn, we snap. Casey : Thank you! It's so great to have you here! Rebecca : I'm sorry. My manucurer has advised not to snap. Lizzi : Is your manucurer a ZBZ? Rebecca : No ! Lizzi : I don't think you need to listen to her. Casey : For the Carnival, we're gonna do our patterned ZBZ kissing booth. Lizzi : I don't think that's not gonna work. Casey : You don't? Do you have another suggestion? Lizzi : We should forgo with the carnival and focus on the present matter. Casey : Your former president left your finances in a mess. Lizzi : You're very, very behind your finances. Casey : Exactly! This is why the Carnival is such a good idea. It's for charity. And it will definitely enhance moral, which is what my fellow sisters need right now. We are the best house, then we need to start acting as the best house! Are you with me? Lizzi : Please, don't touch that. KT HOUSE - Living room Cappie : Are we all on agreement on the Carnival booth? All : Yeah !!! Cappie : Yeti pelting it is. Beaver : Wait till you can see my costum. As long as it doesn't involve looter and slash tires which is now forbidden by the administration. Ben Bennett : What the deal with all these new rules? Heard that Tri Pi were having a councellor Kama-Sutra mixer. Cappie : We, who are the KT letters, are not afraid of some new regulations. We welcome the challenge. And we don't need some mixer to practice our ancient tantric s*x maneuvers. Ben Bennett : It's just too bad. Spitter was so wept, he let us all get pleged. Cappie : Let's let Spitter have... Where is he? Rusty ? He's a little guy... Everyone check under your chairs. CRU - Street Ashleigh : Calvin ? Hey ! Calvin : Ashleigh ! Ashleigh : I take it your got all my messages. Calvin : All 110 of them. Ashleigh : Do you wanna talk to me? Calvin : I resign from the house. Ashleigh : I was more hoping we'd talk about your break. Calvin : The guy that I was with. He wants to know who he is, either he likes it or not. Ashleigh : I don't know what to say. I'm sorry to sound to lame. Calvin : And I also lost my best friend. Ashleigh : I cannot believe... Calvin : You! Ashleigh : Really? You forgive me? Calvin : Yeah ! Let me get these. I know it wasn't intentionnal. I just needed a little time to get over the shock. What is this stuff? Ashleigh : Casey's spasing about the back to school Carnival. The all Greek fundraiser that we're... You won't be there. Calvin : Guess not. Ashleigh : She insisted that I go tonight to get our ballons. But it's all good. Calvin : Cause the guy who works there is hot. Ashleigh : It's gonna be so fun! I love you being gay! Calvin : Just so we're clear. You don't have to out me every time we hang out. CRU - Dale & Rusty's room Answerphone : Hey, Rusty, it's Jen-K. Cappie comes in. Cappie : What is that? Rusty : Nothing. Cappie : Turn it over. Answerphone : Hey, Rusty, it's Jen K. My battery... Cappie : That's why you missed the meeting. Cause you're wallowing over some old saved message?! Rusty : No, I have a paperdue. Cappie : For a class you haven't started yet! Rusty : I'm in honour's engineering program. That's what we do. Anticipate. Cappie : Spitter, you've never even been late to a meeting. You usually come up early and set up snacks. Beaver could've really used some cheesoritos today. Rusty : Tell Beaver I'm sorry. Cappie : It's bros and cheesoritos before hos. You don't let down your bros for some girl. Rusty : This has nothing to do with Jen-K. Cappie : A cyber shrine! Really! It's more serious than I thought. Rusty : Cappie, she was my first girlfriend. Cappie : Well... The first cut is the deepest. Rusty : I just feel like... I left so many things unsaid with Jen. Maybe if I just talked to her, I could get some closure. We could even be friends. Cappie : Don't pretend like you wanna see her coz you wanna be friends. You wanna see her 'cause you wanna get back together. Don't fool yourself. Rusty : I can't get her out of my head. Cappie : Delete the screen-saver. Both of them! Now the phone. Anything else? Rusty : No. Cappie : Good! Alright Now you can focus on other better things like your Kappa Tau brothers. Actually I have a very special pledge assignment for you, should you choose to accept it which you must. You need to get a snow machine for the yeti booth. Rusty : The yeti booth? Cappie : If you were at the meeting, you'd know what I'm talking about. Snow before hos. Precisely. Good for you. Snow machine. ZBZ HOUSE - Dinning room Casey : Remember, girls, that moisturized lip is essential for a great kiss, and I don't have to remind you to use mouth wash tomorrow. Lizzi : It is a national goal of ours to uphold the standards of vertuous womenhood, especially in times like this when 8-year old girls are encouraged to dress like prostitutes or heiresses. So that means modest clothing, no cleavage bearing, no ostentatious jewelry and certainly no... Adulterous red lipstick. Now I think Casey would agree, right? Casey : How can I not agree? Lizzi : That looks so much better. CRU - Street Calvin : Maybe I'll try out. Rusty : Can you sing? Calvin : No but I gotta pick something if I want my dad to pay for tuition That was our deal with Omega Chi. Rusty : You want to stay with guys who don't want you? Any other house on campus wouldn't have reacted like that. Dale? Dale : Hey Rusty, Calvin! U-Sag for? Rusty : What? Dale : University students against Greeks. Seems the time to start it my way a little bit, after joining a frat led to nothing but degradation and heartbreak for my good buddy, I thought, now is the time to put aside my position. Calvin : What? I'm not in a fraternity anymore. Dale : Congratulations, Cal, welcome to enlightment! I'll be thrilled to have you join U-Sag. An ex-Greek'd be a huge coup for the movement. Now tell me in detail exactly why you left. I wanna write this down. Calvin : In detail? They found out I was gay. Dale : Gay, homosexual. I can work with that. Calvin : You can? Dale : A intensive prayer environment regimate can cure that you're a double thread. If I bring in an ex-gay, ex-Greek to purity pledge I'm a shoe winning the chaste cup. We'll see those other PP-sockers trying to top that. Rusty : See you, Dale. Dale : Adios, muchacho. EXT. ZBZ HOUSE Casey : So I just bought some glitter. Evan : You can never have enough glitter. Casey : Especially for a Carnival. What booth you guys doing? Evan : I don't know. Pledges are handling it. What's that? Casey : We're just... trying stuff out. For the kissing booth. Evan : Alright, yeah. I always liked that color on you. Casey : I hope you'll come by our booth. Because... it's really important to support charity. Evan : It is, it is. Casey : I mean... Evan : I should... Casey : Yeah. Evan : Good seeing you. Casey : It's really good to see you. Evan : Bye. Casey : Bye. CRU - Library Rebecca : Do you mind? I'm studying. Cappie : I got your text, Madam. I was surprised that I have an overdue fine. Thought it was all paid up. Rebecca : I know we said... Cappie : Vacation isn't officially over until classes start next week so. Rebecca : No talking in the library. CRU - Dale & Rusty's room [SCENE_BREAK] Dale : What time is your Carnival at? Rusty : Not until 5 but I have to pick up a snow machine first. Dale : Oh, I found this thing earlier and I...just have no clue what it is. Rusty : That Jen's hair thingy. Dale : Anyway, have you heard about this ZBZ kissing booth? Rusty : I bet she doesn't even know she left this here. I think she's having trouble keeping her hair out of her face, it always drove her crazy. Dale : I was just wondering. If it would be a good place to pass out some U-Sag flyers. Rusty : What if right now she's pushing her hair back and missing this hair thingy? I can't take it anymore. I have to get rid of this hair thingy so I can get rid of her. OMEGA CHI HOUSE - Meeting room Evan : Now I have some new business to discuss : Calvin Owens I spoke into him and I think we can get him to come back. Calvin is an all-star athlete and a legacy. Are you really saying you don't want him to come back? Man 1 : I'm on board with getting him back. Calvin's a cool guy. Man 2 : No doubt he's a cool guy. I'm not homophobic. There is some issues we haven't thought through. Evan : Like? Man 2 : Like he lied to us all the time. To be honest, I'll say what everybody thinks. It'll be weird to live with him. If he gets drunk and hits on one of us? If he brings a guy to a formal? A gay frat-guy is just weird. KT HOUSE - Living room Heath : Hey. I've something real serious to talk you guys about. I'm gay. Cappie : We thought you found out that Beaver hit on your sister at parents' week end. Heath : What? Beaver : Dude, she does not look 15. Cappie : Don't worry man! Beaver couldn't tell time until he was 12. Come on, let's play a game! CRU - Jen K's room Jen K : I thought you were my Chinese food. Rusty : No, I missed G here. But I am delivering something. Jen K : Rusty.... Man : Jen, is the food here? Rusty : Who's that? You have a guy in there? Jen K : Rusty, you broke up with me. Rusty : A few weeks ago. So you... You moved on already? Jen K : I thought we were over. Rusty : Yeah. We are. Jen K : So, can I have that back? Rusty : You know what? No. Your stupid hair can hang in your stupid face. For all I care. GREEK BACK TO SCHOOL CARNIVAL Ashleigh : Kissing booth! Cappie : I promise everyone will get a chance to pelt the ferocious Kappa Tau yeti with snowballs as soon as the snowmachine gets here, which could happen any moment now. Wade : Where the hell is Spitter? Ashleigh : You know they're slipping tongues. I'm sure we'd be doing a lot better if Lizzi hadn't me dressed like this. I look Amish. Casey : I don't think it would matter if we were naked. We're intentionally being shunt. Like no one even wants to kiss us. I don't know who's gonna mix with us, ever. Evan isn't even here. So maybe a tiny little part of me wants to talk to him. A very small, all thin twin-sized part. Wade : We'll have to let them start doing something else at Beaver. Cappie : You think rocks would hurt? He is padded. Wade : I heard that. Cappie : Where's the snow machine? Rusty : Sorry, the hardware store closed before I got there. But I brought the cheesoritos this time. Cappie : Remember, Beaver wanted some. We can't pelt the yeti with cheesoritos. Why were you late to the hardware store? Come on Spitter, you're killing me, man! You went to go see her, didn't you? Wade : We can't hold them much longer. Beav's getting horsed from all the growling. Cappie : We have nothing to pelt with. Rusty : Guys, I'm really sorry. I got an idea. Cappie : Who's brave enough... to challenge the fierce and mighty yeti? Cast your strength against the feared beast for 5 $ charitable donation. Who's up? Mandy : I can't believe those losers are joining the biggest crowd. Rebecca : This would never have happened if Frannie were here. Mandy : Speaking of Frannie, did you hear she gain like 30 lbs during the break? She's in some fat farm in Wisconsin. Dale : Hello Casey! Casey : What are you doing here? Dale : You know, just doing some recon, seeing what U-Sag is up against. So I'm here on business. But, there's always room for a little pleasure, you know, and charity. Must say charity. So... Here we go! Oh, goodness! Right in the eye. You know where med station would be coz I think I probably gonna need an eyeflush. Keep it. No, it's... Take care of you. Cappie : That's what you get when you mess with the undisputable master of the Himalayas. Next yeti! Beaver : Your girlfriend's having some trouble over there. Cappie : What you talking about? Beaver : Casey, bro, it's not pretty. ZBZs are getting served by Tri Pi. Ashleigh : What are you doing? Casey : I think we should call it a night, admit we lost the battle one, concentrate on the war. There's no point at staying out here as public target to humiliation Forget number 1, we're big fat zeros. Lizzi : Line up, girls. We got customers. Casey : It's not the Omega Chi, but the Kappa Taus are doing the pinch. Beaver : Yeti see, and he like. Casey : No, it's just weird if we don't, right? Cappie : That's for charity. Casey : Totally. Cappie : No tongue. Evan : I hate to interrupt. Casey : Evan, it's just a kissing booth. Evan : Don't worry, I know, you can kiss whoever you want, we're over. I wanna get my lavalier back Casey : Can we talk about this somewhere? Evan : One more thing. The Omega Chi are officially stripping you the title of Sweetheart. Given the recent events, the brotherhood is not comfortable maintening such a close relationship between us and ZBZ. You understand. Keeping up appearance is right. I'll send a pledge to pick up my letters. Tri Pi Girl : Where you going, Evan? Cappie : For such a small girl, you walk remarcably fast. I'm sorry about the kiss thing. Rebecca : No need to apologize. We're just a fling, right? And classes start Monday so... Cappie : Then, from a strictly informational standpoint, Casey and I are over. Just so you're informed. Rebecca : Do you like to keep informed? DOBLERS Calvin : Beer n°3, right? You're got broken up about me dropping of Omega Chi? Evan : Actually, I'm just sitting here, trying to figure out if I'm a fool or a jerk. Calvin : You want my who? Evan : I just did something that was not so nice to Casey. Maybe she deserved it, I don't... I still feel like a real jackass. Calvin : You know, one bad moment doesn't make you a bad person. You can't judge someone based on one single mistake. I started to realize that's what I did to the Omega Chis. Evan : Or maybe not. Calvin : What do you mean? Evan : Well... A few of the guys, they brought up some issues. And it might take a little more time than I thought. I'm sorry, man. Trust me though, I'll take care of it. Calvin : I went through and now we're just... 2 friends hanging up! Yeah, fair enough! Evan : Cheers. ZBZ HOUSE - Ashleigh & Casey's room Casey : I didn't hear you knock! Lizzi : Why would I? ZBZ sisters don't have secret from each other. So, I know, what happened at Carnival was hard. But I think it taught all of us a very valuable lesson. It proved that I was right. We can continue on as if nothing is changed since last semester. Things have changed. You have to accept that. This is a new normal. Petty cash receipt and bank statement. As I was trying to point out, your finances are a mess. Casey : A mess it's now my job to clean up. Lizzi : Exactly. See, we're on the same wave length. And I know that I've been hard on you. But it's just tough Zeta love. I would hate for taking to unappoint you as president. And I'm looking out for you. I'm so glad that we're sisters. Come here. Casey : Me too. Lizzi : There's one more thing. There's a boy waiting downstairs for you. ZBZ HOUSE - Hallway Casey : You! Rusty : I heard about what happened with Evan. Casey : It sucked. Wait. Why weren't you there to witness my public humiliation? Rusty : I was dealing with my own public humiliation. I saw Jen. It was bad. Feel like thinking about her is screwing anything else up. Casey : Talking to me about Jen-K is like talking about Satan in front of Dale. It's not appropriate. Rusty : Evan has plenty of Satan-like qualities too. Casey : That may be true but, I'm still not over him. There, I said it. I miss, I miss my Satan. Rusty : I miss my Satan too. She's already dating... whatever Satan dates, I guess. Well, at least you've got your new exciting job as ZBZ president to concentrate on. Casey : And hey, you've always got your Kappa Tau brothers to make you feel better. I've got a little bit of business to take care of. Not to mention visiting hours ended 2 minutes ago. Get out while you still can. Rusty : Madam president Cartwright. Casey : Good night.	Plan: A: Casey; Q: Who organizes an all-Greek carnival? A: school; Q: What do Rusty and Casey head back to after the fallout from the newspaper article? A: a new semester; Q: What do Rusty and Casey head back to school for? A: the newspaper article; Q: What turned the Greek system upside down? A: the Greek system; Q: What system did the newspaper article turn upside down? A: Dean Bowman; Q: Who is the dean of the school? A: the dean's favorite charity; Q: What charity does Casey organize an all-Greek carnival to support? A: the Kappa Tau band; Q: What band does the Plain White T's perform as at the carnival? Summary: A broken-hearted Rusty and Casey head back to school for a new semester after the fallout from the newspaper article that turned the Greek system upside down. Under the watchful eye of Dean Bowman and a newly assigned ZBZ national rep, Casey organizes an all-Greek carnival in support of the dean's favorite charity. At the carnival, the Plain White T's return for another performance as the Kappa Tau band.
[At Babylon, hot boys are dancing.] Emmett: [to Ted] You fcked him? Ted: Wednesday. Emmett: And the Latino? Ted: Thursday. Emmett: Well Teddy, you are out of control. Brian: Good evening, twats. Emmett: Would you kindly reframe to use such derogatory comments towards women since they make up half of my fanbase. Brian: Have any hermaphrodite? Emmett: I don't think so. Brian: Good, go fck yourself. Is anyone do-able here tonight? Ted: Sorry, Bri, I've already done him. Emmett: We're up to friday. Ted: Oh, there is friday. Over there in the bossy bottom there. Justin: He's a bottom!? Ted: You should hear him sing "Natural Woman". Brian: You got gag them first, then fck them. You still have much to learn, Theodore. Emmett: Oh my god, who's that? [Emmett spots a new, hot guy on the dance floor. Brian checks him out and kinda smiles.] Ted: I dunno, I may have sunday free. Brian: Count on staying home and winning your puke. [The guy heads off to the backroom, Brian follows, Justin watches on and doesn't look too happy.] Ted: Oh, let him have this one. [Brian follows the guy into the backroom. Brian goes between the other guy and his would-be trick.They have a little stare-off, measuring each other up like two gun-fighters in a cheesy Western. Brian reaches for his crotch and he pushes his hand away and walks off. Brian is not happy.] [Justin is visiting the Novotny-Bruckers. He and Michael are showing Ben the storyboards for the next issue of "Rage".] Ben: Wow, Rage and J.T. are finaly tied the knot. Michael: It's about time, wouldn't you say? Ben: They went to Toronto? Michael: No, Massachutiper. It's a planet. Justin: Unlike Pensylvenia it's legal for gays to get married. Ben: Ah and where they can buy their rocket-tickets and zoom off? Michael: I wish. Let's hopes that five thousand--oh, hell, make it ten thousand--readers agree with you. Ben: Are you coming to our house-warming? Justin: I wouldn't miss it. Michael: It's gonna bed ass blow out. Ben: What you say we're start early? [Hunter enters.] Ben: There he is. Michael: Our late son. Hunter: Cool cover. Ben: Where you've been? Michael: Didn't we say home by six? Hunter: I was practicing with my debating partner. Justin: Whenever I used to use say my parents that I usually was really out getting high. Ben: When's the big debate? Hunter: Tomorrow afternoon. It's in front of the whole school. Justin: What's the topic? Hunter: Capital punishment. I'm all for it, I say fry the Mtherfckers. Michael: [to Justin] Now you see we're so proud. [Emmett doing his "Queer Guy" segment on Chanel 4 News.] Emmett: What I'm about to show you may frightens small children, so parents may want send them out of the room. Scary, huh? [he show the audience a bald man] It's what I'm called the comb-over, like Wallies here. [he takes the picture out and show the more bald Wally] Let's see how much balder Wally looks when he embraces his baldness. Allright this was my hair do's and don't's. Next week home wax - and I'm not talking about the kitchen floor. OK, everybody, be fabulous! Anchor man: Thanks Queer Guy. That's it for tonight, hopefully we'll be hair for tomorrow. Anchor woman: May be all news be good news. Guy: We're out. Producer: That was fabulous! See how you can do it? Since you're at the air the ratings are up 2 points, everyone wants the gay perspective. Chanel 1 is even hiring a trainee to learn from this person. Emmett: Wow, let's hope he is cheap and decite it's a rainy affair. Producer: Either way the fans will line up run the block to see you tomorrow at the mall at Hoffman's. Emmett: So many need, so little time. Producer: You don't even read your fan mail. Emmett: Fan mail? For me? Producer: Even people who hate fags love you. [Debbie is sick and laying on the couch, Hovarth waiting on her.] Carl: Here go, honey. Debbie: Thank you Carl, but I don't know if I could keep it down. Carl: Are you still hurt? Debbie: Huh. Carl: Oh baby, you take what the doctor has prescribed? Debbie: That crack!? They split it back and serves them as a orange sausses. I mean all this new deseases even those doctors can keep up with it. What if it's birthflue. A chicken sit on my shoulder the other day. Carl: What for? Debbie: I'll get a second opinion. Actually it's the forth. Carl: That's it. Debbie: Who you calling? Carl: The station. I'm gonna take you. Debbie: Carl, please no. It just make it worse. I'm keeping you from work. Carl: OK, but promise you call me as soon as you hear what the doctor says. Debbie: I'll promise. [At the gym, Emmett is passing out flyers and prompting his up-coming Queer Guy appearance.] Emmett: I'll be in Hoffman's Department Store today from 1 to 3 signing autographs, giving tips on how to be fabulous. Be sure to stop by. [He goes to Ted, who is working out.] Emmett: Oh Teddy, I feel as if I finally find my calling. God has pointing me from above to do his work below. Ted: Saint Emmett. Saint of fashion approved, style decry... Emmett: Laugh, but there is something I almost... holy of saving thousands of walking disasters in this town. Although he is definately not the one. [A hot guy past by and checks out Ted.] Emmett: Leave that guy? He recognize me. Ted: But I recognize him. Emmett: Is he someone? Ted: He is someone - alright. Pride 2002 - we had an amazing sx, at least I though so. Then the next day in Woody's. He told me once a time a year he finds a looser guy... [Flashback.] Troy: ...like you. I gave them a break. I give him... I give him me - a fck of his life. Something they can remember, like a souvenir. It's my way of giving back to the community. [in the present.] Emmett: Teddy, this was years ago. Could you now be proud that this guy is cruising for you? Ted: It was the humiliating experience of my life. Everybody calls me... "Aunt Pity fck". Emmett: Well as it painfull as it been you just have to let it go. [Emmett goes away and Ted looks at Troy and thinking.] Ted: Or get even. [Ben arriving at Hunter's school and talking to Michael on the cell phone.] Ben: I'm not gonna make him nervous. I'll sit in the back, he'll not even know I'm there. I just want to see him in action, we'll stop by at the store after this is over. I'll take you both to dinner. Love. [He hangs up.] Ben: Callie? It's Ben. Callie: Mr.Bruckner. I know Hunter's dad. Ben: I came to watch him to Debate. Which way is the auditorium? Callie: As you go in, it's on the right. But I don't think there is a debate. They're got a course practise. Ben: You sure? Callie: Is Hunter ok? He hasn't been in school all week. Ben: Oh, he's fine. I... I guess it must be a missunderstood. [Emmett in the mall doing his appearance. A hetero couple.] Emmett: This pink stribes look fab on this jacket and see how this tie really make you pop. Frau#1: Frankly I don't care what clothes or what he weares. I took your advice from the other night and shaves his head and embrace his baldness - now he's hot in the bedroom. Ememtt: I can tell you how much my heart feels when he's horny. OK, be back in 5! [Ted and Lindsay are waiting for him nearby with hugs and kisses and support. Brian is there, too.] Lindsay: You are a superstar! Look at this proul. Ted: Well it's like the stones took it the stadion. Emmett: Brian(?) I can't tell you what it means that you come to support me. Brian: I need it socks. Lindsay: Don't pay any attention to him. Ted: He is proud at you as we are, aren't you? Brian: Yeah, it's an honor to count a close personal friends televisons latest gay eunuch. Emmett: Escuse me? Brian: You know as in non-sexual, non-threatening, ball-less. You do honor a long and ellustriace line of laughable, laughable gay clowns who've came before you. I mean, look at this people. Emmett: They're my fans, they adore me. Brian: Because you so cute. But do you think they still adore you when they knew you took it up the ass and liked it? Emmett: Like I said Brian, I can tell you what it means that you show up and support me. Brian: Any time. [Brian reaches out to pat him on the shoulder and his hand gets brushed away, making him flash to Brandon doing the same to him in the backroom. A woman rushes up to Emmett.] Woman#2: I just love you, you're so cute! Emmett: Thank you, thank you. [Michael and Ben on their front porch.] Michael: He's been lying to us? Ben: I'm sure there is a reason. [Michael give a look] I didn't say a good reason. Michael: Well, I'll thoughed he trusted us, that, you know, told us everything. Ben: Did you tell everything when you was 17? Michael: I didn't have to. We had microphones in about every room. Ben: Here he comes. Now, let's try not let our emotions get them up. Michael: It's easy for you to say - you came from a home who can do that. Hunter: Sorry, I'm late. I was in debate club. So you knew what the topic is? Michael: Secrets and Lies? We knew you haven't been in school all week. [Hunter goes inside the house wordless.] Ben: Better. Hunter: Can't you let me the fck alone? I told you, I don't wanna talk about it. Michael: You have to talk about it. Ben: We wanna help you. Hunter: You can't help me. Nobody can, it's too late. Michael: It's never too late. Ben: We know it's been a tough last weeks. Hunter: Try years. Ben: OK, but it's gotta be a solution. Hunter: I can't go back to that school. Every day all staring me like a piece of sh1t and when they do it's how I feel. Michael: You're not a piece of sh1t. You are a brave smart, funny, wonderful person. And we love you. Ben: You don't have to lie to us, we're goin' through. Hunter: You have no idea. [Brian and Justin drinking at Woody's. Justin is looking at a catalog.] Justin: How about a barbeque grill? Or maybe a fireplace? What do you think? Brian: I think if you don't stop talking about their goddamn house party I'm goin' to burn their house down. [to the bartender] Another round. Justin: What's your problem? Brian: I have no problem. I'm problemless, a problem free zone. Justin: Then help me with something up. [He closes his eyes and points at the catalog.] Justin: Hmm, a hands-free toilet? "Sense you are there and automatically flashes." Brian: Yeah, 300 bucks down the crapper. Justin: Are you gonna tell me what's goin' wrong? Brian: No. Justin: Fine(!) [Brandon walks past Brian like Brian doesn't exist.] Brian: Anyway, you wouldn't understand. Justin: Sure you admire my t-scores. Brian: You're too young. Justin. Compare to who? Brian: Whom? Justin: You? Brian: That hot guy falling in the backroom the other night? Justin: Quarterback? Brian: When I went to his cock... I'm not... Justin: Just say it. Brian: ...my hand... Justin: Your hand? What(!)? If there is your comfort, you're still the hottest guy in Pittsburgh. Help me out here. We can't show up without a gift. Brian: I'm not goin' to that fckin' party! Justin: Why not? Brian: Because I'm goin' to a fcking party. [Debbie coming down stairs and, for one horrible moment, it looks like Emmett has Carl bent over the kitchen table fcking him.] Carl: Ow! Stop it! It hurts! Emmett: C'mon Carl, take it like a man. Carl: Jesus, you're killin' me! Debbie: What the hell is goin' on! Emmett: Carl let's practising me how to wax his back for an upcoming segment. Debbie: Christ, I though you practise in something else. Carl: OK, that's it. I quit it. Emmett: You still half-waxed. Carl: Yeah, but if you go any further I'm half-ass'd. [Carl leaves.] Emmett: How about you, Deb? You want me to give you a free trip? Debbie: Thanks, but I keep my hair like they are. Emmett: You have any temperature? Debbie: No. Emmett: What the new doctor say? Debbie: He said I'm dying(!) I'm perfect health, wise-ass! Maybe this bring down my fever. Emmett: You just said you don't have any fever. Debbie: That's what the termometer said. I'm know I burning up. Emmett: Did you think I'm still physically attractive? You know, sexy. Debbie: Well, keeping in mind that I'm a heterosexual woman of a certained age and your queer as they come, fck yeah. Emmett: Good, 'cause Brian said the only reason they like the queer guy is because I'm no-threating, sexless. Debbie: What the fck does he know? Emmett: Actually, a lot. Debbie: Actually he's wrong. Hell, you have more sx then anyone I know - except of you, of course. Since Carl moved in. Let's face it honey - most people pretend that gay man hasn't sx. I mean, it's hard to see two gays kissing and, you know, taking up the ass. It's make them to be uncomfortable. Emmett: Brian said that, too. You wanna know something? It's time to make over. [Back at the gym. Ted see's Troy.] Ted: Can you spot me? Troy: Sure. Don't I know you? Ted: I don't think so. Troy: I'm Troy. Ted: Ted. Troy: Hey, I know where I'm know you from. Ted: You do? Troy: South Beach, right? We hooked up. Ted: No, never been there. Troy: Oh, would you like to? Ted: Go to South Beach? Troy: Hook up. Ted: Sure. [Brian meeting with a client about her company's new anti-aging cream.] Woman: In our new research we found that once a woman reach the age of thirty-five she's almost invisible for the most man. Brian: And you wanna make them visible again? Or at least make them think they can be. Woman: Our new anti-aging cream offers hope, more confidence and at less wrinkles. All we need is a brilliant campain and a perfect product name. Brian: Um, sure I come up with something. Woman: Your man are so damn lucky never have to worry about such things. [Behind the woman Brian suddenly see's Brandon. He's completely ignoring Brian.] Brian: Don't be so sure. Visible. Woman: What? Brian: That's the name of your new product. [Brandon walks past Brian, still ignoring him, and goes to the men's room.] Woman: Visible? I like that. Brian: Hey, you came up with it. You just didn't know it. Would you excuse me for a minute? [Brian follows Brandon. Brandon is at the urinal and Brian moves to the one beside of him. Brian gives his patented "look" that usually makes men fall at his feet. Brandon just looks back unfazed and walks off.] [Debbie is at the diner with Mel and J.R. She's playing with the baby.] Debbie: [to J.R.] Aren't you glad your asshole parents work through their sh1t? 'Cause now grandma can hold you without a goddamn trade good. Mel: Well you know how to sweet talk to a baby, Deb. Debbie: I'm glad it all worked out. Mel: Well, we'll see. Man: Hey Kiti, where the fck's my check? Kiti: I allready grew tits, you want me to grew up another hand!? Mel: Boy, this place isn't quite the same around here since you're left. Debbie: Boy, so I've noticed. Man#2: Escuse me, miss. My meal is cold. Debbie: I dunno. I've been feeling lately I can bearly have the enercy to crawl. Mel: Have you been to see... Debbie: Five of them. All claim to have degree and no-one tell me what's wrong. Man#3: Can we get a menu!? Man#4: I ask for cream. Man#5: Where is my fckin' lunch? Cook: You're food is up! Kity: I'm a tranny and a virge of a breakdown! [Debbie has enough. She stands up and handles the busy diner to perfection. She take the meal to the customer, give the man the menu.] Debbie: Here you go, fishing chips and turkey burger with fries. Here your menus, special are on the board. 2 percent it's better for you and the cream. [Finally she sits down to Mel.] Mel: Deb, I think I know what's wrong with you. Debbie: Yeah? Mel: BFM. Debbie: [worried] BFM? Sounds serious. What is it? Mel: Bored out of your funking mind. [SCENE_BREAK] [In Em's next "Queer Guy" segment.] Emmett: Listen up, straight boys. Take a tip from the Queer Guy. Wearing these [he shows a boxer shorts] will not get you where you wanna go. But these [he holds a string] will definately generate a little friction. I know because I was been wearing at my very own. They set off your nice tight assets and noticed the croth. You can help and stuff a sock or hamster in there. I certainly don't need to cover become to my rescue. My is coped to the rim with leads us to another topic but not tonight. I'm be Queer Guy - be fabulous. Anchor man: Thank you, Queer Guy for that brief report. That's the news, we'll be back at eleven. Man#1: We're out. Producer: [to Emmett] I though you told me you wanna talk about hair wax. Emmett: Yeah, waxing is vital, but it's not sexy. Producer: Sexy? You want sexy? Emmett: Don, you married for a couple of weeks and already make a statement like that? You meaning conceling. Producer: And you may need an employment insurance. Emmett: What? Producer: Don't ever show us your shorts again. Emmett: It's just underwear. Producer: You don't have to air them in public! And no-one wants to know you're have a tight... Emmett: Ass? Producer: Or a big... Emmett: Dick!? Producer: And that you... Emmett: fck!? Well here is a piece of news for you - I do. Producer: Well from now one you stick to cookie and flowers and turning straight guys into a meterosexuals and leave your sex-life OFF screen! [Brian and Justin arriving at Michael and Ben's house-warming with a gift.] Justin: You can stay for at least an hour. Brian: I've told you, I can make a special guest appearance, then I'm out of here. Justin: It's for Michael. Brian: You know better than anyone the first rule of sx parties. Don't come late to a sx party or otherwise you can go along. Michael: [opens] Hi! I'm glad you could come. [They hugs all around.] Brian: It's all I'll livin' for. Justin: Happy house-warming. Michael: If this a harness and paddle to go with the sling? Justin: Nah, I picked this one. Eli: You guys have a great house. But trust me, you never done. Monty: All what it takes is time. Eli: And money. Ben: Yeah, tell me about it. OK, say something for postery. [Ben record this with his new camera and Debbie goes accross.] Debbie: I'm fckin' starving. [she sees the camera] Oh, sh1t. Ben: It's ok, Deb, I wanna something for pasterity. Debbie: Um, pasterity. Let's see. I'm very proud of you both and I wish you all the health and happyness in the world in your beautiful home. That's it. Ben: Perfect. Debbie: [to Carl] It's amazing how A's the neighborhood. Here are more house than everywhere else. Carl: I know, I used to hang out here all the time. Debbie: Really? Carl: When I was a big cop. [Michael answers the door again and it's Mel and J.R. J.R.'s in her carrier.] Michael: Hi, come on in. Mel: Thanks for inviting me. You know... Michael: But we're still a family, are we? Mel: Happy new house. Michael: Thanks, you mind if I show her off? Mel: Be my guest. Michael: Everyone meet me beautiful daughter. [Michael shows her around. Hunter mopes on the staircase.] Ted: First I give him a fcking of his life and then I give him the mind fcking of his life. I'm gonna say, "Once I was your pity fck, but tonight your mine, your asshole". Emmett: Speaking of with... Brian: Aren't you go the U and A's for the baby? Got your underpants in the newsy the other night. Your saving your dick for sweets? Emmett: My producer say it was a terrific segment. Yeah, he said it was about time to show gay people as full sexualist human beings, not just sterotypes unic. If you escuse me. [Brian yawns. Lindsay hesitantly approaches Mel.] Lindsay: Those food is the hit. Mel: Say so. Lindsay: I'm glad you came. Mel: For one the reason I'm starving. Lindsay: Makes me think of our house-warming. Mel: Hmm, if anyone needs to prove that toilets are control by cosmic causes. Lindsay: They also brake 10 minutes before the guest showed up. Mel: A hundred dyke peeing in the backyard. Lindsay: "Bushes in the bushes". [They laugh at the memory. Michael has champagne and he and Ben toast to their guests.] Ben: We just like to welcome all of you to our new home. Debbie: Your beautiful new home. Michael: And we look forward to sharing many happy family occasions here together. [All cheers] Brian: Happy family occasions. Ben: We also have another reason to celebrate tonight. Rage and J.T. are getting married. Eli: It's about time for superheroes settled down. Monty: When do they start raising a superhero family? Michael: That's next. Ben: I got a copy for everone, our little house-warming gift for you. [Brian gets his copy of the comic and Michael comes over.] Michael: You like it? Brian: It reminds me of a portrait I saw in the doctor's office as a child. Little girl and boy dressed as a bride and groom with a little puppy at their gown. Just as the nurse stick me in the finger for blood. Michael: And you had your aversion to marriage ever since. Why haven't I think it's a good damn story? Just it doesn't agree with your anti-family values is no reason to dump on it. Brian: OK. [He tosses the comic down and leaves. Justin watches him go, saying nothing.] Debbie: Let's get the whole family. Michael: Good idea, I'll get JR, you get Hunter. [Ben to look for Hunter, who's still moping.] Ben: Hey pal, we're taking a video with the whole family. Hunter: What do you want me for? [He goes back up to his room.] [In Brian's backroom, he's on a forklift type thing getting a blowjob from a trick. He's bored with that guy and spots another one. He approaches the new guy who is interested but then Brandon shows up. Trick goes with him instead.] Trick: A better offer has came along. [Brandon smirks at Brian and stands with his arms open as the trick blows him.] [At the comic book store, there is a big display of the Rage and J.T. marriage. Michael checks out a customer who leaves. Justin is restocking the displays with the newest issues of "Rage".] Michael: Another satisfied customer. Justin: You know you've said that every time you've sold one. Michael: I do? Well, it must be true. We've sold over 530 on the website, and almost 200 here in the store. Justin: Those are the last we've have. Michael: Everybody loves that J.T. finally got his man. Justin: Yeah, everyone but you know who. Michael: Yeah, I do know who. Well, what would you expect? Justin: What did I expect? That life would imitate art. I've heart that it's known to happen. How can I suckered into my own fantasy, talking about pathetic. Nobody on earth knows better than I do unless it's gentic alternative nuclear misshapen that this could never happen. Michael: Not a bad story. Justin: But that's all it is - just a story. [A kid comes in looking for the next issue of "Rage".] Boy: Do you have a new issue of Rage? [Justin points over] This is totally awesome. Justin: [whispers] Another satisfied customer. [Ben coming out on the porch where Hunter is moping.] Ben: Well, I think the house is been suspicially warm, wouldn't you say? [no answer] Good party, huh? I assume you have a good time. Hunter: Yeah, I think Melanie and Lindsay declaring a seas fire, Brian leaving to go to a sx party... and you and Michael are sticking a fcking camera in my face and playing those happy family having a good time. Ben: We're not pretending - we are. You gonna get through this. I'll promise. Hunter: fck your false hope. World's stinking sh1t. Ben: I don't think Plato hasn't saying any better. Hunter: Who? Ben: Listen, I found a great school. They have a waiting list a mile long. One of the professors are on my department floor so I was able to pull some strings... Hunter: Who even bother? Huh!? So they're find out too and then? It start all over again. What's the point of goin' to a fckin' school!? [At the diner, Hovarth meets Debbie.] Carl: Hi honey, I haven't been here since you've left. Somehow it's not the same. Debbie: Neither am I. Carl - honey, I'm found out what's wrong with me. Carl: I just want you to know and whatever it is... I'm in this for a long hole. I'll stand by ya and not goin' anywhere. Debbie: I know that, sweetheart. That's why I love you. Carl: OK, tell me. No, wait, wait. [He takes her hand.] OK, tell me. Debbie: First of all, it's not a physicall thing. Carl: Whew, that's an relief. Then what? Debbie: It's hard to explain. Ever since I left here I felt lost. And no place to go home, I've got nothing to do, I sit at home and buy a lot of sh1t I don't want of TV. Carl: That's what a lady suppose to do. I mean, relax, enjoy yourself. Be glad you don't have to work. Debbie: It's funny but I never though if it's work. Carl: It was long, hard hours on your feed, juggling plates. Debbie: To me it was more like a dance. Then I was the primaballerina. Carl: This is not exactly the royal ballet of Pittsburgh. Debbie: But it's my job. It's more than a job, it's who I am and I want it back. Carl: I... I was just... trying to make it easier for you, honey. I want you make you happy. Like I said, I'll stand by you - I'm not goin' anywhere. Debbie: Thank you, Carl. [she kisses him.] Debbie: Now, you sure your ok with this? Carl: 100% sure. Debbie: Good, because my shift started back in five minute ago. [she pulls off his coat and reveal her work uniform. Carl laughs.] [Ted has Troy tied to the bed and is fcking him. Troy's having fun. Afterwards.] Troy: Whew! This was hot. Ted: Think so? Troy: You know? I've been here before. Ted: Oh? Troy: I mean in this building and fck some poor looser. Ted: Yeah, well. The place if full of them. Believe me I'm know. Troy: [laughs] One of my pity fcks. Ted: Speaking of pity fcks... Troy: You know, when we first hooked up in the gym I wasn't sure. Ted: That I was your type? Troy: That you be so... hot. Man, if I knew this before. Look, I'm still hard. You're up for another round? Ted: Actually there is something I wanna say to you. Troy: That you want roll me over and fck me again? Ted: What I wanna... What I wanna say to you... is uh... roll over. Troy: Oh yeah! [Michael and Ben cooking.] Ben: Michael, we can't force him to go to school. Michael: Of course we can. We're his parents. He's only 17. Ben: Hey, you could skip school when you were 16. Besides, if we pressure him, we're only push him away. Michael: He's got to finish Highschool, so he can go to college and become a doctor, and a lawyer, and the president of the Unite States. [Ben kisses Michael.] Michael: What was that for? Ben: You're a total obtimist, that's why I love you. Just give him some time, and some space and hopefully he comes to the right decission. [Cue Hunter who comes down the stairs with his things packed.] Michael: Hey, I was just about to call you for dinner. Ben: You go out somewhere? Hunter: Yeah. Ben: Well, but don't be too late. Hunter: I mean, I'm leaving. For good. Michael: What do you mean? Hunter: I can't stay here anymore, ok? Michael: No, it's not ok. Put your things away and sit dow and eat and afterwards we'll discussed this. Hunter: We'll already discussed. It's nothing left to say. Michael: Well, I said you're not goin' anywhere and that's final. Ben: Mike. Michael: WHAT!? He can't just leave. We'll his parents, for Christ sakes, wheather he likes it or not! We're his legal guardiance and we say go. Ben: Hunter, Hunter, problems doesn't solve if you run away. Hunter: I don't belong here, I don't belong in this house, I don't belong in this school, and I don't belong with you. Ben: Of course you belong with us. Hunter: All I cause is problems, embarassing you. Ben: You don't embarass us. We're proud of you. Michael: This is not the debate team. We don't need to argue here. You want appel souce or peaches? [Hunter goes wordless to the door.] Michael: Hunter, you go to your fcking room! Ben: Where you wanna go? Hunter: I dunno. Ben: Do you have any money? Hunter: The money you and Michael gave me for my birthday. Michael: No plan, no money - perfect. How you attend to support yourself? Hunter: I'll think of something. Michael: I bet you will. [Hunter goes towards the door but Ben stops him.] Ben: If you need more - call us. Michael: What the fck are you doin'? [Hunter returns his house key to Ben. Michael stops him as he's walking out the door.] Michael: Hunter, wait. Just put it in your shoe, some place safe. [Hunter leaves and they're both upset.] [At the loft, Justin is on the computer and Brian above in the bedroom.] Brian: Hot or not? Justin: Hot [without any look] Brian: That's what I sound a resounding approval. [He tugs that shirt off, throwing it aside and goes to his closet for another.] Justin: By the way we've sold out the last copy of the marriage issue and we've got orders for over 300 more. [Brian tries on another shirt that looks almost exactly like his last one.] Brian: If not having any balls is what it takes to be a gay superhero these days then Rage should get out of Gayopolis. Justin: You know, if you didn't stay out alll night long fcking maybe you wouldn't be so cranky. Brian: Who said I was fcking? Justin: You? I'm sure there must have been someone. Brian:Yeah, but someone else got him. Justin: Finally, some competition. Brian: I don't think you get it. Justin: That someone rejected you? Got the prime piece of meat? It happens to everyone. Brian: One little suggestion but the leading is clear, it has started. It's began. [Brian tries on another shirt] Brian: How about this one? [no answer] Justin: You know, when I was in LA f*cking around, it was fun and all, but when I came back and you said the offer still stand and I put my stuff here I was hoping it meant we were finally going to be a real couple, like Michael and Ben. One day we might have things they have. A house, maybe even a family. [Brian hears him but makes no reply.] Brian: How is this? [Justin doesn't answer so Brian turns back to the mirror, answering himself.] Brian: Hot! [Music: Going Nowhere - Cut Copy]	Plan: A: Brandon; Q: Who challenges Brian's reign as hottest man at Babylon? A: a huge success; Q: How was Emmett's role as the "Queer Guy"? A: a challenge; Q: What does Emmett face when he realizes he's been hired as a clown for the network's ratings? A: Ted; Q: Who has an opportunity for revenge on an old flame? A: a new man; Q: What is Ted like after his cosmetic surgery? A: Hunter; Q: Who does Ben and Michael try to help get back to school? A: his spirits; Q: What do Ben and Michael try to lift in Hunter? A: leisure; Q: Debbie is bored as a lady of what? A: Debbie; Q: Who finds herself back at the diner? Summary: Brian's reign as hottest man at Babylon is challenged by the new stud, Brandon. Although a huge success as the "Queer Guy," Emmett faces a challenge of his own when he realizes he's been hired as a clown for the network's ratings. Ted, a new man after his cosmetic surgery, has an opportunity for revenge on an old flame. Ben and Michael attempt to help Hunter lift his spirits and get back to school. Bored as a lady of leisure, Debbie finds herself back at the diner.
Michael: Hey, uh, can I help you out in here? Mr. Brown: Oh, I'm all set, thanks. Michael: Gotcha. Good. I'd go with the rows. That's a good idea. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Today is diversity day and someone's going to come in and talk to us about diversity. It's something that I've been pushing, that I've been wanting to push, for a long time and Corporate mandated it. And I never actually talked to Corporate about it. They kind of beat me to the punch, the bastards. But I was going to. And I think it's very important that we have this. I'm very, very excited. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: That's the thing. It's very sturdy paper and on the back it says, "100% post-consumer content." What? Hello? Uh-huh. Wait. What? I'm sorry, Mr. Decker. I think I'm losing you. [Shedder whirring] Hello? Hello? Yeah. Hold on one second. I don't know. Hold on one second. Jim: Do you really have to do that right now? Dwight: Yes I do. I should have done it weeks ago actually. Jim: Mr. Decker, I'm sorry about that. What were you... Can you hold on one second? Yeah, just one second. Thanks. [Power off, silence] Hello? That's it. Perfect. So what I was saying... [Dialing tone] Hello? Thanks, Dwight. Dwight: Retaliation. Tit for tit. Jim: That is not the expression. Dwight: Well, it should be. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: This is my biggest sale of the year. They love me over there for some reason. I'm not really sure why but I make one call over there every year, just to renew their account, and that one call ends up being 25% of my commission for the whole year, so I buy a mini bottle of champagne, celebrate a little. And this year I'm pushing recycled paper on them for one percent more. I know. I'm getting cocky. Right? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Solitaire? Pam: Yeah, Freecell. Jim: Six on seven. Pam: I know. I saw that. Jim: So then, why didn't you do it? Pam: I'm saving that 'cause I like it when the cards go T-ts-ts-tch-tch-tch. Jim: Who doesn't love that? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hey, Oscar! How are you doing, man? Oscar: All right. Michael: Did you have a good weekend going there? Oscar: It was fine. Michael: Oh yeah, I bet it was fun. [to Mr. Brown] Oh, hey! This is Oscar--- Oscar: Martinez. Michael: Right. See? I don't even know, first-name basis! Mr. Brown: Great. We're all set. Michael: Oh hey, well, diversity, everybody, let's do it. Oscar works in... here. Jim, could you wrap it up, please? Jim: Yeah, uh, Mr. Decker, please. Michael: It's diversity day, Jim. I wish every day was diversity day. Jim: You know what? I'm actually going to have to call you back. Thank you. Sorry about that. [SCENE_BREAK] Mr. Brown: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Great. Michael: Come on people, let's get 'em in. Get in the cards! Get in the cards! Mr. Brown: Thank you. Thank you very much. OK. Thanks for filling these out and I promise this'll be quick. At Diversity Today, our philosophy is about honesty and positive expectations. We believe that 99% of the problems in the workplace arise simply out of ignorance. Michael: You know what? This is a color-free-zone here. Stanley, I don't look at you as another race. Mr. Brown: Uh, see this is what I'm talking about. We don't have to pretend we're color-blind. Michael: Exactly, were not... Mr. Brown: That's fighting ignorance with more ignorance. Michael: With tolerance. Mr. Brown: No. With more ignorance. Michael: Ignorance. Mr. Brown: Right. Exactly. Uh, instead, we need to celebrate our diversity. Michael: Let's celebrate. Mr. Brown: Right. OK. Michael: Celebrate good times. Come on! Let's celebrate diversity. Right? Mr. Brown: Yes, exactly. Now here's what we're going to do. I've noticed that... Michael: You know what? Here's what we're going to do. Why don't we go around and everybody... everybody say a race that you are attracted to sexually. I will go last. Go. Dwight: I have two. White and Indian. Mr. Brown: Actually, I'd prefer not to start that way. Michael, I would love to have your permission to run this session. Can I have your permission? Michael: Yes. Mr. Brown: Thank you very much. And it would also help me if you were seated. Michael: OK. Mr. Brown: Thank you. OK. Now, at the start of the session, I had you all write down an incident that you found offensive in the workplace. Now, what I'm going to do is choose one and we're going to act it out. Dwight: A few of the ground rules? Michael: Hey, hey why don't you run it by me and I'll run it by him. Dwight: OK, can we steer away from gay people? Mr. Brown: Um... Dwight: I'm sorry. It's an orientation. It's not a race. Plus a lot of other races are intolerant of gays, so...paradox. Mr. Brown: Well, we only have an hour. Dwight: I figured it would save time. Michael: OK. Why don't we just defer to Mr... Mr. Brown: Mr. Brown. Michael: Ah. Oh, right! OK. First test. I will not call you that. Mr. Brown: Well, it's my name. It's not a test. OK? Um, so looking through the cards, I've noticed that many of you wrote down the same incident, which is ironic, because it's the exact incident I was brought in here to respond to. Now, how many of you are familiar with the Chris Rock routine? Very good. OK. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: How come Chris Rock can do a routine and everybody finds it hilarious and ground-breaking and then I go and do the exact same routine, same comedic timing, and people file a complaint to Corporate? Is it because I'm white and Chris is black? [SCENE_BREAK] Mr. Brown: So we're going to reenact this with a more positive outcome. Michael: I will play the Chris Rock guy. I would like to see someone else pull this off. Mr. Brown: Well, let's have someone who wasn't involved in the reenactment. Michael: OK, I will play guy listening. Mr. Brown: Great. Guy listening. Ok, anyone else remember? Kevin: I remember. Mr. Brown: Great. You're the Chris Rock guy and you're guy listening. Michael: OK. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Kevin is a great guy. He's a great accountant. He is not much of an entertainer. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Basically, there are two types of black people and black people are actually more racist because they hate the other type of black people. Every time the one type wants to have a good time, then the other type comes in and makes a real mess. Michael: OK. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He's ruin... He's butchering it. Could you just let me... [As Chris Rock] Every time... Every time black people want to have a good time, some ignant ass... [Bleep] I take care of my kid! Mr. Brown: Wait a second. Michael: [Bleep] They always want credit for something they supPOSED to do! Mr. Brown: Stop it! Michael: [As Chris Rock] What you want a cookie? [SCENE_BREAK] Mr. Brown: Now, this is a simple acronym. HERO. Uh, at Diversity Today, we believe it is very easy to be a HERO. All you need are honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness. Dwight: Excuse me, I'm sorry, but that's not all it takes to be a hero. Mr. Brown: Oh, great. Well, what is a hero to you? Dwight: A hero kills people, people that wish him harm. Mr. Brown: OK. Dwight: A hero is part-human and part-supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster that must be avenged. Mr. Brown: Ok, you're thinking of a superhero. Dwight: We all have a hero in our heart. Mr. Brown: Now, I need you to take these forms. This kind of expresses the joint experience we had today. And I need you to look 'em over and sign them as kind of a group pledge. Michael: [Clears throat] I don't think I can sign this. Mr. Brown: I can't leave until you do. Michael: Well, OK, it says here that I learned something and I knew all this stuff already, so... I know, I could sign something that says that I taught something, or that I helped you teach something, so... Pam! Where is she? Pam, could we change something on this? Mr. Brown: Michael, can I talk to you candidly? Michael: Sure. [SCENE_BREAK] Mr. Brown: We both know that I'm here because of the comments you made. Michael: Here's the thing. This office, I think this is very advanced in terms of... racial awareness and it's probably more advanced than you're used to. That's probably throwing you off a little bit. Mr. Brown: Um, it's not throwing me. I need your signature. Michael: OK, well I know. You told me that several times. Mr. Brown: Yes, but you're not listening to me. Yours is the only signature I need. Michael: OK. Mr. Brown: Those are my instructions from the Corporate offices to put you through this seminar for the comments that you made. The reason I made copies for everyone was so you wouldn't be embarrassed. Michael: Well, here I am thinking that you actually cared about diversity training. And you don't. Mr. Brown: Don't worry about dating. Michael: I won't. Mr. Brown: OK. Thank you. Michael: Yeah, yeah. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: "I regret my actions. I regret offending my coworkers. I pledge to bring my best spirit of honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness..." Open-mindedness, is that even a word? "...into the workplace. In this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed, Daffy Duck." [Laughing] He's going to lose it when he reads that. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Yeah, hi. Is Mr. Decker around? Oh, well, could you just have him call me after lunch? Thank you. Michael: "I pledge to always keep an open mind and an open heart." I do believe... in that part of the pledge I that just read. But a pledge? Come on. I mean who are we, the Girl Scouts? No. Look... the guy, "Mr. Brown," he got us halfway there. He got us talking. Well, no. I got us talking. He got us nothing. He insulted us and he abandoned us. You call that diversity training? I don't. Were there any connections between any of us? Did anyone look each other in the eye? Was there any emotion going on? No. Where was the heart? I didn't see any heart. Where was my Oprah moment? OK, get as much done as you can before lunch because, afterward, I'm going to have you all in tears. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: All right? Everybody pretty? Come on. Here we go. It's time. Let's do some good. Toby: Hey, we're not all going to sit in a circle Indian style are we? [Laughing] Michael: Get out. Toby: I'm sorry. Michael: No, this is not a joke. OK? That was offensive and lame. So double offensive. This is an environment of welcoming and you should just get the hell out of here. OK, let's go. Let's do it. Come on. Let's have some fun, everybody. Here we go. Take a seat. Cop a squat. And um... thanks for coming in. Um... Diversity... is the cornerstone of progress as I've always said. But don't take my word for it. Let's take a look at the tape. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [on the tape] Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, "If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North." And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: OK. Questions? Comments? Anybody? Jim? Jim: [/b]: Uh, is that it? Michael: Yes. I only had an hour to put it together but I'm going to add on to it later on. Kevin: It was kind of hard to hear. Michael: Uh, yes. That probably had something to do with the camera work. Anybody else? Um... Kelly: I have a customer meeting. Michael: Yeah, well, if you leave we'll only have two left. Yes. Enjoy. Absolutely. Namaste. Ok, well since I am leading this, let's get down to business and why don't I just kind of introduce myself, OK? Um. I am Michael and I am part English, Irish, German and Scottish. Sort of a virtual United Nations. But what some of you might not know is that I am also part Native American Indian. Oscar: What part Native American? Michael: Two fifteenths. Oscar: Two fifteenths, that fraction doesn't make any sense. Michael: Well, you know what, it's kind of hard for me to talk about it. Their suffering. So who else? Let's get this popping. Come on. Who's going? Who's going? Let's go here. Oscar, right here. You're on. Oscar: OK, Michael, um... Both my parents were born in Mexico. Michael: Oh, yeah... Oscar: And, uh, they moved to the United Sates a year before I was born. So I grew up in the United States. Michael: Wow. Oscar: My parents were Mexican. Michael: Wow. That is... That is a great story. That's the American Dream right there, right? Oscar: Thank... Yeah... Michael: Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides Mexican that you prefer? Something less offensive? Oscar: Mexican isn't offensive. Michael: Well, it has certain connotations. Oscar: Like what? Michael: Like... I don't... I don't know. Oscar: What connotations, Michael? You meant something. Michael: No. Now, remember that honesty... Oscar: I'm just curious. Michael: ...empathy, respect... [Phone ringing] Jim! Jim! Jim: Hello? Hello? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I have something here. I want you to take a card. Put it on your fore... Don't look at the card. I want you to take the card and put it on your forehead and... Take a card, take a card, any card. Um... And I want you to treat other people like the race that is on their forehead. OK? So everybody has a different race. Nobody knows what their race is, so... I want you to really go for it, cause this is real. You know, this isn't just an exercise. This is real life. And... I have a dream that you will really let the sparks fly. Get 'er done. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Why? Because Martin Luther King is a hero of mine. There's this great Chris Rock bit about how streets named after Martin Luther King tend to be more violent. I'm not going to do it but it's... [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Oh this is a good one. Pam: Um, hi. How are you? Stanley: Fine. How are you? Pam: Great. Michael: Push it. Stanley: I admire your culture's success in America. Pam: Thank you. Michael: Good. Bom bom bom-bom bom. Come on Olympics of Suffering right here. Slavery versus the Holocaust. Come on. Stanley: Who am I supposed to be? Michael: No, that was inadvertent. We didn't actually plan that. Dwight: Lots of cultures eat rice, doesn't help me. Dwight: Um... Shalom. I'd like to apply for a loan. Pam: That's nice, Dwight. Dwight: OK, do me. Something stereotypical so I can get it really quick. Pam: OK, I like your food. Dwight: Outback steakhouse. [Australian accent] I'm Australian, mate! Michael: Pam, come on. "I like your food." Come on stir the pot. Stir the melting pot, Pam! Let's do it. Let's get ugly. Let's get real. Pam: OK. If I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue, that I do not agree with, you would maybe not be a very good driver. Dwight: Oh, man, am I a woman? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: You'll notice I didn't have anybody be an Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. No pun intended. But I just though. "Too soon for Arabs." Maybe next year. Um... You know, the ball's in their court. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: What are you watching? Ryan: Chappelle's Show. Jim: Really? Ryan: I downloaded it on her computer. I hope she doesn't mind. She just had a lot of extra space. Jim: No way. I think she likes this stuff. Ryan: Great. She's cute, huh? Jim: Yeah, you know, she's engaged, but... Ryan: Oh, no, the girl in the... sketch. Jim: Oh, yeah. She's hot. [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Hey. Angela: Hey. Kevin: You wanna go to the beach? Angela: Sure. Kevin: You wanna get high? Angela: No. Kevin: I think you do, mon. Angela: Stop... Michael: OK. All right. No. It's good. You just need to push it. You need to go a little bit further. All right. OK. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [Voice raised, Indian accent] Kelly, how are you? Kelly: I just had the longest meeting. Michael: Oh! Welcome to my convenience store. Would you like some googi googi? I have some very delicious googi, googi, only 99 cents plus tax. Try my googi, googi. [Lowering voice] Try my googi, googi. [High-pitched voice] Try my googi, googi. Try my... [slap!] Michael: [trying not to cry] All right! All right! Yes! That was great, she gets it! Now she knows what it's like to be a minority. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [on the phone] Mr. Decker, we didn't lose your sale today, did we? Excellent. OK. Let me just get your... what's that? No, we didn't close last time. I just need your... Oh. W-What code were you given? Oh, OK. That's actually another salesman here. I can redo it if you want to do that. Oh, he gave you a discount? No, I don't blame you. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I just hated it when that guy was in here. Mr. Brown, if that was his real name. I mean, he had never met any of us before, and here he was telling us how to do our thing. I just wanted... I just wanted to do it our way. You know? On our own. Man I should have gotten some food. Kevin: [Itialian accent]Maybe some spagh-etti. Michael: Okay, Kevin. You can take that off that thing, OK? That would really, really have shown him up, wouldn't it? If I'd brought in some burritos or some colored greens. Or some pad Thai. I love pad Thai. Stanley: It's collard greens. Michael: What? Stanley: It's collard greens. Michael: That doesn't really make sense. Because you don't call them collared people, that's offensive. Hmmm... OK, well, it's after five. So... Thank you very much. Buena vista Oscar. Thank you. Good job. Oh, my man. Thank you Brazil. Nice. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [Pam is asleep, resting her head on Jim's shoulder] Um... Hey. Pam: [stirs] Mmmm. Jim: Hey. Pam: Oh. Jim: We can go. Pam: Sorry. Jim: That's fine. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Uh... Not a bad day.	Plan: A: Michael; Q: Who creates his own diversity seminar? A: a racial diversity seminar; Q: What does Michael's imitation of Chris Rock force the staff to undergo? A: A consultant; Q: Who is Larry Wilmore? A: his own knowledge; Q: What does Michael insist on imparting to the staff? A: each staff member; Q: Who does Michael assign an index card with a different race on it? A: tempers; Q: What does Michael's diversity seminar cause to simmer until they finally snap? A: Jim; Q: Who struggles to keep hold of a contract extension? A: a lucrative contract extension; Q: What does Jim struggle to keep hold of? A: Dwight; Q: Who makes the sale for himself? A: Pam; Q: Who falls asleep on Jim's shoulder at the end of the meeting? Summary: Michael's controversial imitation of a Chris Rock routine forces the staff to undergo a racial diversity seminar. A consultant (guest star Larry Wilmore ) arrives to teach the staff about tolerance and diversity, but Michael insists on imparting his own knowledge, aggravating both the consultant and the entire office staff, and creates his own diversity seminar. He eventually assigns each staff member an index card with a different race on it, causing tempers to slowly simmer until they finally snap. Meanwhile, Jim struggles to keep hold of a lucrative contract extension, but Dwight makes the sale for himself. Nevertheless, when Pam falls asleep on Jim's shoulder at the end of the meeting, he concludes that it was "not a bad day."
Degrassi - Gym (Sean has a basketball in his hands. He throws it to Jimmy. He tries to guard Jimmy. Jimmy goes past him and makes a shot.) Jimmy: Yeah. (A whistle is blown.) Coach: Bring it in guys. (The guys all gather around) Tomorrow's exception game is against Earl Gray. You have to come out strong, play hard. Now, my final cuts will be based on how you perform in that game (They groan). Sorry, gentleman. I have 15 talented players here and only 12 spots. (Bell rings) (He looks at his watch) Okay, guys, you better change before you're late for homeroom. Good job. (Everyone leaves except Jimmy and Spinner.) Spinner: Dude, you heard Armstrong. Homeroom calls. Jimmy: Homeroom can wait. I want to try this one more time. Spinner: Jimmy, you burned up the floor this morning. You're doing fine. Jimmy: Fine? I want to do better than that. Spinner: (as Jimmy's taking a shot) Downtown. Go, Jimmy! Oh, yeah! Who's the man? (He high fives Jimmy) Jimmy: You're looking at him. Degrassi Panthers, Jimmy Brooks is on the prowl. Ms. Kwan's Class (Jimmy is walking in and Ms. Kwan holds out her hand.) Jimmy: Ms. Kwan, please. Let me make the team first, then I'll give you my autograph. Ms. Kwan: How about you give me your English assignment instead? Jimmy: My assignment, right. I wanted to talk to you about that. Ms. Kwan: Jimmy, I already gave you an extension. You did read chapter 8 for today, right? Jimmy: Of course. I'm totally on top of the reading, it's just the actual work. Ms. Kwan: Jimmy, you're falling seriously behind. I'm concerned you're not up to juggling both academics and sports. Jimmy: Oh, but juggling is a sport, Ms. Kwan. There's nothing to worry about, I'm fine. Hall (Liberty is running to where Ashley does the announcements.) Announcements Cameragirl: (checking her watch) Ashley, the bell's gonna ring any second. Ashley: Where is she? Liberty comes through the door. Ashley takes the notecards that she's supposed to read. Liberty: Well, there's a- (she's interrupted by Ashley taking the notes) There's a little joke at the end. I think you'll like it. Ashley: What I'd really like is for you to be on time, ok? Bell rings Ashley: Good morning, Degrassi. Tomorrow, morning announcements will be replaced by (now shows Ashley on the TV in grade 7 Media Immersion homeroom) a very special afternoon pre-game screening as the Degrassi Panthers face off against Earl Gray in an exception match, so, Go, Panthers, Go. JT: She's pretty suavee, got it together. Emma: It's not suavee, it's suave. Liberty: Television is so stressful. JT: Ashley doesn't seem stressed. Manny: I know. She's better than the people on the news. Calm, cool, a total natural. Ashley: So, if you see the Earl Gray team holding lighters, it's because they always lose their matches. Have a great day, guys. JT: Lose their matches. Not bad. Liberty: That was my joke. I mean, I wrote it after I found it on the 'Net. Emma: It's true, you know. You do all the work and Ashley takes all the glory. You should really talk to her. Sean: Or quiet. Why spend any more time at school than you already have to? Toby: you're going out for basketball. Sean: My social worker says it's beneficial. Personally, I couldn't give a rat's- (Mr. Simpson runs in.) Mr. S: Class, sorry for the delay. Liberty: It just makes me mad that people think Ashley is so funny and clever, when all she's doing is reading my words. Manny: Yeah, a monkey could do that. Emma: Personally, I'd say it's time you asked Princess Ashley to share the air, but, hey, it's your career. Mr. S: Alright, today we'll be exploring the fascinating world of HTML. Ms. Kwan's class Ms. Kwan: I've been reading your assignments, well, those that have been handed in. Your thoughts on chapter 8 have been fascinating, so, let's open it up for discussion. Jimmy? Jimmy: Oh, uh, chapter 8? It's great, just like the rest of the book. Ms. Kwan: Could you elaborate? For example, which character do you relate to? Jimmy: Well, that's a very interesting question, Ms. Kwan, I- Ms. Kwan: Jimmy, it's not that hard. Jimmy: Ok, um, I associate most with the main character. Ms. Kwan: It's an ensemble piece. Which main character? Jimmy: The Lord of the Flies. Who else? (Everyone starts to laugh) Ms. Kwan: The Lord of the Flies is a severed pig's head resting on a stake. You haven't read the book, have you? Hall Spinner: Busted. Total crash and burn. Jimmy: I'm doomed, man. Spinner: Come on, Ms. Kwan can't stop you from playing. She's an English teacher. Jimmy: MY English teacher who's threatening to talk to MY coach who needs to cut three players. Spinner: Jimmy, you're a total natural. Coach Armstrong's not gonna cut you. Just try harder at school. (They go through doors.) Jimmy: School that's my problem. It's totally in the way. I concentrate on English, my playing is crap. Concentrate on basketball and I don't have enough time to do my homework. It's a no win situation. Spinner: Got that right. It's a Catch 42. Jimmy: Catch 22. Spinner: Like you know. You thought you were Lord of the Flies. Jimmy: And now I've got Kwan on my back, I'm bagged, man. Spinner: Yeah, I know the feeling. Since they upped my Ritalin, I'm like a complete zombie. Jimmy: Yeah, but I've seen you when you don't take them; not pretty. Spinner: Yeah, I know. Don't call me Spinner for nothing. (Spinner takes his pill and takes a drink. Jimmy walk away.) Cafeteria (Ashley pays for lunch and starts to walk to her table, when Liberty comes up to her.) Liberty: Ashley. Can I talk to you for a second? Ashley: Now? Ter, save me a spot, ok? Terri: Sure. Ashley: How can I help you, Liberty? Liberty: I want to read the announcements. Ashley: What? Liberty: I do all the writing, it's only fair if I get to go on air once in a while. Ashley: Liberty, you're a writer, I'm a performer. You're yin, I'm yang. We're very different. Liberty: How? Ashley: Just maybe next year, ok? (Ashley walk away.) Gym. (The players are practicing while Jimmy is reading.) Coach: Remember, follow through with the wrist, ok? (Sean shoots and it goes in) Nice shot, Sean. You see how he uses his legs and not his hands? Very important. Jimmy, why don't you give it a try? (Jimmy is reading and doesn't hear him at first. When he does he puts down the book and gets up) Or you can keep reading, if you want to. Jimmy: Sorry, Coach. (Goes up to the basket and does a lay-up) Coach: Excellent, technique, Jimmy. But, we're practicing our shots, not our lay-ups. Impress me tomorrow. Give it another try. Hall Paige: (says something in French) I've been told I have perfect Parisian accent. (Ashley and Terri keep walking and run into Liberty.) Liberty: I just want to do it once. Ashley: Liberty, when I said no the last time, what didn't you understand? Liberty: Give me a chance, come on, why not? Ashley: Because it's my job. Liberty: Fine, I'm going on strike. No research, no more writing, no more jokes. I figure you can do it yourself. Takes about, oh, an hour a day, if you're fast. Ashley: Liberty, you're not playing fair. Liberty: I'M not playing fair? You're the one being greedy. Ashley: It's just, I'm good at this. Liberty: Anyone can read a cue card. A monkey could do your job. Ashley: Fine, go ahead, tomorrow's pre-game announcement's, they're all yours. Knock yourself out. (Ashley walks away. Liberty smiles.) Gym (Spinner is putting the balls away. Jimmy is leaving.) Guy: Jimmy, what's up, buddy? (They bump fists) Jimmy: Hey, Sean, good work out there today. You got no problems making the team. Sean: I don't know about that. Guess we'll see tomorrow. Jimmy: Yeah. (Sean leaves.) Jimmy: "Don't know about that." Whatever. Coach loves him. Sean probably made the team the minute he signed up. Spinner: Jimmy, Sean's a good player. Jimmy: Yeah, so am I (Takes a drink from a water bottle). Spinner: And who's saying you're not? Jimmy: Coach Armstrong. You saw him just now, tore my game apart. Spinner: He was just giving you pointers. Jimmy: Hello, I know how to shoot a basket. And sorry, but lay-ups? Way more important than three-pointers. Spinner: Look, if you don't make the team, which you will, you can be my co-manager. Jimmy: Thanks, but it's not the same. Spinner: Right. Not much glory handing out towels and bottles of water. Anyway, let's go catch a movie or something, get your mind off this. Jimmy: Can't, pulling an all-nighter. Got that assignment, remember? (Spinner takes a pill out of a box and takes it with a bottle of water.) Jimmy: Wish there was a pill I could take, one that would boost me up. Spinner: Ritalin would boost you up, big time. It's like 50 cups of coffee. Jimmy: I thought it was supposed to calm people down. Spinner: It does, calm me down. Has to do with something with the configuration of my brain. Jimmy: YOU have a brain? Spinner: Ha, ha. But for normal people, exact opposite. It's like, Speed. Jimmy: Weird. Spinner: Yeah, but you know something, drugs aren't the answer. Just say no. (Jimmy smiles. Spinner gets up.) Hall (Bell rings.) [SCENE_BREAK] Kwan's classroom. (She's looking down at papers. Jimmy enters.) Jimmy: Ralph. Ms. Kwan: Pardon me? Jimmy: You asked me who I related to in The Lord of the Flies, It's Ralph. (Jimmy gives her a paper.) Jimmy and Spinner (Jimmy sits down.) Jimmy: I'm wiped. Got nothing left for the game. Spinner: Man, you got your English assignment done, Kwan will get your back now. Jimmy: Doesn't help if I don't make the team. (Something beeps. Spinner takes out the box to take his Ritalin.) Jimmy: But, you could help me, Spinner. (Spinner gives him a look. Jimmy looks at Spinner as if to say "Give me the pill.") Spinner: No way. Jimmy: it's not like steroids, I mean, it's not illegal. Spinner: Of course it's not illegal. You see me in jail? Ms. Kwan: Ok guys, let's discuss the next chapter. Jimmy: Please? I need it. Look at me. I'm half-alive. Spinner: Jimmy, it's my last pill, I can't miss it. Jimmy: Just this once. A little energy boost. This game's my last chance to prove myself to Armstrong. Please? (Spinner hands the pill to Jimmy.) Jimmy: Do I take it now? Spinner: I guess. Takes about an hour to kick in. (Jimmy raises his hand.) Ms. Kwan: Yes, Jimmy? Jimmy: I need to use the washroom. (Ms. Kwan nods. Jimmy gets up and leaves.) Outside Classroom (Mr. Raditch walks to Jimmy.) Mr. R: Jimmy! Good luck this afternoon with the game. Jimmy: Thanks, Mr. Raditch. Mr. R: Go get 'em, son. (Mr. Raditch leaves. Jimmy looks at the pill, then takes it.) Liberty. (Liberty is messing around with the camera before she does the announcements. She doesn't know, but it's on air.) In Media Immersion. Sean: What happened to Ashley? Girl: Liberty, we're on! JT: She's doing a great job. Sean: This is just sad. Liberty: (reading cards) Welcome to Degrassi's special pre-game announcements. Today the Degrassi Panthers start a whole new reason, season, of basket...ball. Basketball. Uh, by biting Earl Gray. (As she's talking people are watching and laughing in grade 8 homeroom) You can run, but you can't hide, Earl Gray-Gray. The prowl is on the Panthers. The Panthers are on the prowl. This has been Liberty Van Zandt, filling in for Ashley Kerwin. Paige: More like Loser Van Zandt. Good job, Ash. I'm impressed. You totally set her up. (Paige leaves. Ashley looks guilty about it.) Locker room (Jimmy is playing with the ball. He is really energized because of the pill.) Sean: Somebody had a nutritious breakfast. Jimmy: Yup, toast, cheese, eggs, bacon, solid protein. Lot of protein. Brain food, man, brain food. Coach: All right, how you guys doing? You pumped? Jimmy: You know it, Coach. You know it. Gym (The game is going on.) Spinner: Come on, Jimmy. Show them what you got. (Jimmy nods.) Spinner: Come on! Start this game, come on! (The ref throws the ball in the air and the game starts.) Spinner: What's wrong with all of you? Come on? (As Spinner talks Degrassi gets the ball. A teammate passes the ball to Jimmy. Jimmy dribbles it down the court) Sean: Jimmy! Pass the ball. Jimmy! Spinner: Come on. What's he doing? Come on. Sean: Pass the ball. (Jimmy shoots the ball and it goes in.) Spinner: Oh yeah! You the man! Announcer: Degrassi leads 3-0. (Jimmy jumps up, very excited. He high fives a player.) Liberty in the hall. (She is there with another girl. She is upset because of the announcements.) Girl: Not bad, for your first time. Wanna head over to the gym? Liberty shakes her head "No". She hits her head on a door in the room she's in. People walk by. Girl #1: That's her. (People laugh) Oh my god. So funny. (Liberty runs away with her hand over her mouth.) Girl: Liberty! Gym - The Game (Jimmy has the ball.) Spinner: Go, Jimmy! You the man! Yeah! Come on! Go, Jimmy, go, Jimmy, go. Go, Jimmy. Yeah, come on. Sean: Pass it. Spinner: Come on, Jimmy. (Coach looks worried about Jimmy's behavior.) Coach: Gavin, You're the team manager, not head cheerleader. Spinner: Come on, Coach. I was just giving Jimmy some mortal support. Coach: Moral support. You want to show your support? Clean up this bench. Bring it in, guys. Good job, good job. Half time conference in thew locker room. Let's go. Spinner: (as they pass him) Good job, guys, Jimmy. Announcer: Half time! 22-24, Degrassi. (Spinner takes out a boombox and turns it on. A cool beat comes out of it. Spinner gets into it.) Girls' Washroom (Liberty is in there, crying. Ashley comes in.) Ashley: Liberty? I know you're in here. Liberty, come on. Liberty: What do you want? Ashley: I just want to talk to you. Liberty: What, to tell me I was horrible? Thanks, I already figured it out. Ashley: You weren't great, but you weren't completely horrible. (Liberty opens the stall door and comes out.) Liberty: I wasn't? Ashley: No, you just need a few pointers. I've got a plan. Trust me on this. Locker room Coach: Listen up. We're in the lead. Stay with your man. Keep up the pace. Play like a team. You're hearing me, Jimmy? Jimmy: Loud and clear, Coach A. Loud and clear. Gym (Spinner's sitting on the bench. The music is still playing. Spinner gets up after turning the music up.) Spinner: Yo, Degrassi. We need some half time entertainment. (The crowd cheers. Spinner starts dancing. The crowd cheers him on. Mr. R is watching and doesn't look happy. All of a sudden, Spinner moons them. Mr. R drags him away.) Spinner: Good night, Degrassi. Mr. Raditch's office Mr. R: What were you thinking? Spinner: I don't know, it was funny. Mr. R: Funny. (Spinner nods.) Mr. R: It wasn't funny. It made us look like idiots. Spinner: But, Mr. Raditch... Mr. R: Sit down. (Spinner sits.) Mr. R: First, no extracurricular activities until the end of the semester. Spinner: What? But, Mr. Raditch... Mr. R: No discussion. Consider yourself lucky. I could suspend you for this. Spinner: But, sir, it's medical. Mr. R: Gavin, you've been taking Ritalin for two years now, you know what happens when you miss a pill. Unless there's some another explanation. Spinner: I forgot, ok? Mr. R: Fine, but you won't forget again. Because you'll be taking your pills in front of my secretary. Spinner: But, Mr. Raditch... Mr. R: Three times a day. (He gets up and opens the door.) Mr. R: Mrs. Smith, could you come in here, please? And would you bring Mr. Mason's file. Gym - The Game is on again. (Jimmy has the ball.) Sean: Jimmy! Pass the ball. I'm open. (Jimmy isn't listening) Pass it, come on. (Jimmy shoots, but misses. Coach is taking note of how Jimmy is acting. Sean gets the ball.) Jimmy: Sean, pass the ball. Sean, I'm open. Sean! (Sean doesn't, so Jimmy hits him, gets the ball, and scores the winning shot. Buzzer.) Jimmy: Yeah! Who's the man? Yeah! That's what I'm talking about. (Coach goes to Sean who is on the floor, hurt.) Coach: Sean, you ok? Is it your ankle? (Sean nods.) Coach: I want you to wiggle your toes for me. Announcer: Degrassi wins 39-37. (Everyone is excited about the win.) The Hall (JT, Toby, Emma, and Manny are walking and talking.) JT: Degrassi rules. Toby: I bet we go all the way to the regionals. Emma: But, what was up with that Jimmy guy out there? He was like a lunatic. JT: Sports are not for the weak of heart. Emma: Like you'd know, and besides, that doesn't mean you get to injure people. Manny: (Sees Liberty on the TV) Oh, no. Liberty (On TV): Way to go, Degrassi. Our team just kicked some serious Earl Gray butt... JT: Liberty said butt? Liberty: ... Just before the buzzer we scored an awesome three pointer winning the game, 39-37. Manny: She's actually doing ok. Liberty... Pathers, you're off to an sonsational start. (Goes to where liberty is reading it) This is Liberty Van Zandt, wrapping up today's special video coverage. Thank you. (Girl turns camera off) Ashley: See? It's not so hard. The trick is to remain calm, cool, and sure of yourself. You're pretty good at that, already. Liberty: Thank you, Ashley. Ashley: And you'll be even better when you read the announcements again, next year, after I graduate. Locker room (The guys are really excited they won. Coach comes in the room.) Coach: Jimmy, can I talk to you for a second? It's about this afternoon, out on the court. Jimmy: I know, 12 points plus the game point. It's the best I've ever played. Coach: In terms of scoring, yes. But, you show boated, you ball hogged, you blew plays, you weren't a team player. Jimmy: I know. Coach: But you know what really worries me? It's what you did to Sean. You know you almost broke his ankle out there? Jimmy: That was an accident. Coach: An accident? Come on, Jimmy. You fouled your own player, deliberately. And you know we have a zero tolerance policy for violence. Jimmy: it was stupid. It'll never happen again. I promise. Coach: I can't take that chance. Sorry, Jimmy, you're cut. (Jimmy is upset. He looks over at Sean, who is being bandaged up by Coach Armstrong.)	Plan: A: Jimmy; Q: Who hurts Sean in an attempt to take the winning shot? A: the basketball team; Q: What does Jimmy want to make? A: his schoolwork; Q: What does Jimmy want to improve due to basketball practice? A: an energy boost; Q: What does Jimmy want to get from the Ritalin pill? A: a Ritalin pill; Q: What does Jimmy convince Spinner to skip to give to him? A: Ritalin; Q: What drug does Jimmy convince Spinner to give him instead of his own? A: his medication; Q: What is Spinner off of? A: halftime; Q: When does Spinner moon the audience? A: trouble; Q: What does Jimmy get into when he hurts Sean? A: Ashley's video announcement speeches; Q: What is Liberty tired of writing? A: any credit; Q: What does Liberty not get for writing Ashley's video announcement speeches? A: disastrous results; Q: What happens when Ashley gives Liberty a chance to do the announcements? Summary: Jimmy wants to make the basketball team, but due to practice, his schoolwork suffers. To get an energy boost, he convinces Spinner to skip a Ritalin pill and give it to him instead, resulting in Spinner, off his medication, mooning the audience during halftime. Jimmy, under the influence of the Ritalin, gets himself into trouble when he hurts Sean in attempt to take the winning shot. Meanwhile, Liberty is tired of writing Ashley's video announcement speeches and not getting any credit for it. Ashley then gives her a chance at doing the announcements, with disastrous results.
This transcript is merely for those that do not have access to Buffy the Vampire Slayer on the TV. It is not to infringe on any copyrighted material, merely to spread and promote BTVS. Feel free to distribute this, so long as there are no modifications made. [SCENE_BREAK] Cut to the campus at night. You see a girl running away from a man. They reach a secluded area. We see that is Buffy and a vampire. Buffy : Thanks for the relocate. I perform better without an audience. (She starts beating the crap out of him.)You were thinking, what, a little helpless coed before bed? You know very well, you eat this late... (She stakes him.) You're gonna get heartburn. Get it? Heartburn? (He dusts and gives no reaction.) That's it? That's all I get? One lame-ass vamp with no appreciation for my painstakingly thought-out puns. I don't think the forces of darkness are even trying. I mean, you could make a little effort here, you know? Give me something to work with. Cut to Spike watching her from a distance. Spike : Watch your mouth, little girl. You should know better than to tempt the fates that way. 'Cause the big bad is back, And this time, it's... (Suddenly he's being electorcuted.) Urrgh! Aaaahhh! (The commandos take him away.) [SCENE_BREAK] Cut to Buffy, Willow, Oz and Xander sitting at a table at the Bronze. Willow : The bronze is more fun this year, isn't it? Buffy : 'Cause of the gloating factor alone, you know? We're all about college now. We've got heady discourse. Oz : Yeah. Curfew-free nights of mom and popless hootenanny. Xander : Coed dating prospects who find townies sexy and dangerous. What, I can dream. Buffy : Right. So if college is so great, what are we doing here and why is it more fun? Willow : Because the bronze is nice and familiar. It's like a big comfy blanky. Oz : I was under the impression that I was your big comfy blanky. Willow : Aw, you're my my person blanky. This is my place blanky. You know, with all the shock of the new, it's nice to have one place that you can come back to where everything's predictable. (Giles walks up.) Giles : Hello. Buffy : Giles, trouble? Giles : Oh, no, Buffy. Don't get up. No. Nothing like that. No, I just, you know, I thought I'd drop by. Uh, latte anyone? On me? (Everyone is looking at him in shock.) Buffy : So much for your predictable blanky theory, Will. Sorry. Giles: Splendid. Well, it's ages since I've been to a gig. Well, don't look that way. I'm...I'm...I'm down with the new music. And I have the albums to prove it. Buffy : Yes, but it's your cutting edge 8-tracks that keep you ahead of the scene. Oz : Don't scoff, gang. I've seen Giles' collection. He was an animal in his day. Giles : Thank you. Buffy : Hey, why not? If the stones can still keep rolling, why can't Giles? Giles : Exactly. Willow : I think it's brave that you're here. Giles : Well, thank you, all. You've made me feel right at home. Xander : Isn't home that empty place you're trying to escape? Giles : Oh, yeah. Willow : Veruca's playing tonight. Oz : Yeah. Every Wednesday. I told you. Veruca's band Shy is seen on stage. Oz is entranced. Buffy : So, Oz, what about dingoes? When are you guys here again? Oz : (Distractedly.) Oh, we're up next friday. Willow : They're good, aren't they? Oz is still mesmerized, and barley paying attention to anything but Veruca. Oz : Nothing special. Willow : Yeah. She's quell fiona. Color me bored. Giles : Really? I think she's rather remarkable. Such presence for someone her age. Cut to Oz's room. He and Willow are lying in bed. Willow is having a nightmare. Willow ; Mm... It's in the sandblaster. Uh... Oz : (Trying to wake Willow from her nightmare.) What's in the sandblaster, Will? It's a dream. Come back to me. Willow : (Murmering in her "sleep" and smiling.) Mmm...Hmm... All geminis to the raspberry hats. Oz : Now you're faking. Willow : (In a cute voice.) Am not. Just a little. (She turns to face Oz. Oz : Morning. Willow : Morning. Oz : Bad dream? Willow : I guess. But the waking up part makes up for it. Oz : It's always so busy in there. Willow : Not always. A few things shut my brain up completely. (Gets cuddly.) Oz : Anything I can help you with? Willow : I gotta get to class right now, but tonight for sure. Oz : I don't know about tonight, unless the extreme jerry garcia look turns you on. Willow : (Confused.) Huh? Oz : Night before the full moon. Willow : Oh, that's right. And I have a thing. There's this wicca group on campus I wanted to check out. They have orientation on the 3 nights you're wolfy. And it's probably totally silly, but-- Oz : No. Go. Show 'em how it's done. Willow : Are you sure? You can lock yourself up? It's only this one month. After orientation, they meet on different nights. Oz : I'll be fine. Willow : Ok. As long as you don't mind. Oz : The only thing I mind is being away from you for 3 nights. Cut to Prof Walsh's class. She is returning papers. Walsh : Ms. Summers... I want you to prepare to lead a discussion group next class On the paper topic. That was smart work. Buffy : (Surprised as she recives her paper.) What do I have to do? Walsh : If you have any questions, bring them up with one of the T.A.S. Buffy leaves the class and walks up to Willow. Willow : Are you ok? How'd you do? (Buffy smiles and holds up her paper. Willow is amazed.) This is good. I mean, this is excellent. You did better than me. (She looks upset.) This is so unfair! You made me jealous of you academically. Buffy! (She and Buffy hug.) Buffy : I know. Can you believe it? Willow : Wow. I guess professor Walsh isn't so ogrey after all. Buffy : And she wants me to lead a discussion group next class. That means more work, right? (They start to walk.) Shouldn't she have a better reward system? You know, like a cookie or a toy surprise like at the dentist? Willow : She wants you to lead a discussion group? Ok. Jealous again. (She looks upset.) Jealous, jealous-- ok. I'm back. (She smiles again.) Hey, I'm meeting Oz at the cafe. You wanna come? I'll buy you that celebratory cookie. Buffy : Great. I'm T.A. Bound right now, and then I will catch up with you guys. Willow : Cool. Buffy walks off. Cut to Oz walking through the cafe. He spies Veruca sitting alone at a table. Veruca : What are you gonna do, sit on the ground? Oz : My girlfriend's coming. Veruca : There's room. Oz : (Sits down.) Big lunch? Veruca : I like to eat. I hate chicks who are like, "does it have dressing on it?" Oz : (Nods.) Agreed. You guys were tight last night. Veruca : I guess. The set's starting to come together, but the amps still sound dirty to me. Oz : What are you using? 50 Or 120? Willow : (Walks up. Looks somewhat distressed.) Hey. Oz : Hey. Veruca : Hey. Oz : You wanna sit down? (Willow sits.) So you should be using a 50. And blue voodoo, not your best bet, unless you dig the distort. Willow : Music talk, huh? Cool. I love to listen to oz talk about the biz. Veruca : What do you like again? I know you told me. Oz : There's a couple good ones. The johnson mil... The number one is redbone. Veruca : Number one? No. I gotta go with hound dog. Willow : Me, too. That's a great song. I mean, elvis, what a guy. Veruca : You a big elvis fan? Willow : The biggest. Well, I mean, after dingoes, of course. Oz : We're actually talking amps. But it's easy to get confused, The names they give 'em. Willow : Oh. Ha ha. Oz : You know, I gotta bail. Um, I'll call you later. (He gets up to go.) Veruca : I should go, too. (To Willow.) Good shirt. (She leaves.) Buffy : (Walks up.) Check out the rapid exits. Was it me? Willow : (Looking sad. Buffy sits.) Me. I don't speak musicianese. How come you didn't tell me I look like a crazy birthday cake in this shirt? Buffy : I thought that was the point. He thinks she's sexy. He gets this blushy thing going on behind his ears. That's for me only. Buffy : It doesn't mean anything. So Oz checks out another girl. He loves you. Willow : I know. I--I know. And I don't wanna be the kind of girl who freaks every time my boyfriend notices somebody else. I mean, I have wrong feelings about other guys sometimes, but I feel guilty, and I flog and punish. Buffy : Exactly. I'm sure Oz is flogging and punishing himself. This is sounding wrong before I even finish. Look, I promise you, in a couple of days, it's gonna be like "veruca who?" Willow : You think? Buffy : Absolutely. Oz just isn't the type to stray. Not tonight anyways. He'll be locked in a cage. Cut to Oz's cage. He's more wild than normal. He breaks out. Cut to Walsh walking along outside alone. She stops when Oz jumps out at her. She runs and comes along yet another werewolf. She's terrified, but as they both jump at her they crash into each other as she jumps out of the way. They attach each other. Cut to the next morning. They're semi hidden by bushes, both naked. Oz : That was, um... Veruca : Some night. Oz : So it appears. Veruca : Right. You don't remember. It's like that at first, but then little bits and pieces will start coming back to you. Oz : So you're A... Veruca : Werewolf groupie. Nobody else gets it done for me. Oz : What? Veruca : Kidding. You know what I am. You've known since the first time you saw me. Now, you... Need...To relax. Oz : Not a possibility. Veruca : So what do you want to do? They head off. Cut to the laudromat. Oz is wearing clothes that don't fit and don't entirely match. Veruca is wakling about in whorewear. Veruca : God! The kids in the dorm need fashion 101 in a big way. (She spies Oz's ensemble.) Or we could start right here at home. Oz : Not making a statement. Just wanna get back to my place, figure out why we got out of our cages. Veruca : (Incredulous.) You have a cage? Oz : Don't you? Veruca : Uh, yeah. Has a little wheel with a plastic ball And a cute little bell in it. God! Somebody's domesticated the hell out of you. Oz : It's my choice. I don't wanna hurt anybody. Veruca : Maybe. Or maybe you just don't wanna admit what happened to you. Maybe you just wanna pretend like you're a regular guy. (She walks over to him.) Oz : Well, I am. I'm only a wolf 3 nights a month. Veruca : Or you're a wolf all the time and this human face is just your disguise. You ever think about that, Oz? (She's getting closer to him.) Oz : I'm going. I gotta check the paper, see if we did any damage last night. Veruca : Oh, we did. But only to each other. I know some part of you remembers that. It doesn't take a full moon. We could...Do it again right here. (She's getting "cuddly" with him. Oz : We aren't going to. This ends... Right now. Veruca : I can help you, Oz. (Continueing the slut act.)You're scared. I was, too. But then I accepted it. The animal, it's powerful, inside me all the time. Soon, you just start to feel sorry for everybody else because they don't know what it's like to be as alive as we are. As free. Oz : Free to kill people? I won't do that. You shouldn't. Veruca : You don't understand. But you will. You'll see that we belong together. Oz : No. I know where I belong. Veruca : (As Oz walks of.) See ya tonight. Cut to Riley and Professor Walsh walking. She's telling him about the night before. Walsh : 2 Of them. It was unbelievable. The fact that I survived at all is a miracle. Buffy : (Walks up to them.) Excuse me. Ms. Walsh? Walsh : I hope you're careful when you walk around campus after dark. I was attacked by wild dogs last night. Buffy : Wild dogs? Walsh : 2 Of them. Biggest things I've ever seen. The first one was-- Well, for a moment, I thought it was a gorilla. Did you have a question, Buffy? Buffy : No. No, I was just... Sayin' howdy. Walsh : Fine. See you in class. Buffy leaves looking thoughtful. Cut to Oz's room. There's a knock at the door. Oz : Yeah? Willow : (Walks in.) Hey. Oz : Hey. New look. (She's wearing shiny pants.) Willow : You, too. Oz : Oh. Uh... Laundry day kinda came and went. Willow : Hey... I'm sorry if I was weird yesterday with you and Veruca. Oz : (Looking mildly uncomfortable.) I didn't notice anything. Willow : Really? 'Cause I felt all spazzy. Oz : No. Willow : Oh. Good. So it was just me worrying for nothing again. Me and my busy head always thinking, thinking, thinking. Oz : Well, now you can stop everything's fine. Willow : (Getting hinty.) Maybe you could help me...Stop. I'd really, really appreciate anything you could do. Oz : What? (He's very uncomfortable as she approaches him.) Willow : What's wrong? Oz : Uh...Sorry. I... Willow : You don't want to? (She looks hurt.) Oz :It's not that. I do. I just... I didn't get any sleep, I guess. I'm really beat. Willow : Right. Busy wolf night. I get it. It's totally ok. Oz : (As Willow heads for the door.) Willow, you don't have to-- Willow : No. I--I should. I don't have much time. See you later. She leaves. Cut to Giles apartment. He's watching Jeapordy. Giles : (Answering the tv.) Peace of westphalia. Contestant: Uh, yalta? Giles : Oh, you moron. That dinette set should be mine. The doorbell rings. He goes to answer it and he finds Buffy at the door. Giles : Buffy. Excellent. Uh, come in. Buffy : Hi. Giles : Can I get you anything? Tea? I made a very interesting mousaka last night, if you're hungry. Buffy : Pass on the tea. And the moose, thank you. Giles : You come on business, I hope? Buffy : (Giving him a look.) Yes. Lucky for you, people may be in danger. Giles : (Embarrased.) I only meant, uh, that I'm at the ready. Buffy : Here's the deal. One of my professors said that she was almost attacked by two wild dogs last night... Under the light of a nearly full moon. Giles : Werewolves. Two Of them? Buffy : Could be. Well, I've not seen anything about the attacks in the newspapers or on the news. Giles : Have you spoken with Oz? Buffy : My next stop. Giles : Right. Get right on it. Buffy : And I'll see what I can find out. Giles : And you report back to me... Buffy : (As she leaves.) Asap. Promise. Cut to Xander's apartment. He's sitting on the couch. Willow walks in. Xander : Hey, Will. Mom let you in? Willow : She seemed cranky. Xander : Yeah. We're having a little landlord-tenant dispute, So I'm withholding rent. An effective, and might I add, thrifty tactic. Willow : How come? (She sits on the arm of the couch.) Xander : She won't let me put a lock on my door. I suspect she's afraid I'll start having the s*x. Willow : Yeah. Parents usually wait till you're out of the house. Or under it. Xander : Or under it... Willow : To start worrying about stuff like that. Xander : It's mostly too late. So, I know why I'm sitting in a dank, sunless little room. But why are you? Willow : Well, things with Oz are weird. And I talked to Buffy about it, but I think we're in guyville here. I need a translator from the "y" side of things. Xander : Well, last time I checked, I had the creds. Hit me. Willow : What does it mean when a girl wants to... You know. Xander : If you're doin' it, I think you should be able to say it. Willow : Make love. Xander : Wild monkey love or tender Sarah Mclachlan love? Willow : Any kind. But what if the girl wants to and the guy doesn't? That's a bad sign, right? Xander : Could be. Or the girl caught the guy in one of the 7 annual minutes he's legitimately too preoccupied to do it. Willow : Well, say the girl's been noticing-- Xander : Will, I've deciphered your ingenious code. Willow : Ok. Say I've been noticing Oz notice someone else. A woman. Xander : And is this chick noticing back? Willow : Most definitely. Xander : Well... Have you asked Oz about it? Willow : Well, I thought about it, but then he'll think I'm all jealous and worry. Xander : But you are. And odds are, he feels it. I'll bet that's all there is to the weird you're feeling. You guys should talk things out, Wll. You'll both feel better. [SCENE_BREAK] Cut to Oz's underground cave area. Buffy walks in as Oz is reenforcing the cage. Buffy : Got out, huh? Oz : Yeah. Buffy : Any news about attacks? Oz : No. Buffy : But I did hear about a woman being chased by two wild dogs. Oz : Two? Really? Buffy : You don't remember anything like that, do you? Another wolf? Oz : No. When the change comes, it's like...I'm gone. Total blackout. Buffy : You know, I find wolf number two out on patrol tonight, and you might have a roomie in there. (Buffy starts to walk off then stops and turns to look at him.) Oz... You ok? And if it's possible, you seem more monosyllabic than usual. Oz : I'm ok. Thanks. Cut to later. Veruca has walked down into the underground area where Oz is. Veruca : So this is why you called me here? To see your habittrail? (She walks up to him.) Right before sunset, I get a little buzzed, you know? Oz : Come here. Veruca : I'm not getting in that stupid cage with you, if that's what this is all about. We belong outside. Oz : You can't run loose tonight. And not just because you might hurt somebody. I know people that'll be out there... Hunting for us. Veruca : (Stepping closer.) So you're saying I should spend the whole night with you... Alone... Locked in a cage. Oz : You'll be safe. Veruca : Not from you. Isn't that the point of this cozy little arrangement? It's coming. Do you feel it? It's like blood boiling. Oz : I feel it. Veruca : (Leaning in towards him, haning on the the cage door.) I've wanted you even before I ever saw you. I sensed you. Did you sense me? Oz : (Tensely.) Come in here. Veruca : Did you? He nods slightly. She steps in the cage and they kiss. As they do they change. Werewolf "wakiness" ensues. [SCENE_BREAK] Cut to the morning. Willow is bounding down the stairs with a bag of food and a thermos. She cuts short as she sees Veruca and Oz, naked, limbs tangled asleep on the floor of the cage. The thermos and bag drop as she stares in shock. Oz wakes up and sees Willow. He starts to get up. Oz : Willow... (He starts putting on his pants.) Willow : Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oz : I know what you saw. It wasn't-- (Finishes putting on his pants.) I had to. I had to lock her in there with me. Willow : I bet. Oz : She's like me. A wolf. Willow : Well, I knew you two had a lot in common, but... (Oz tries to touch her.)Don't touch me! (She jerks back.) Oz : She was gonna hurt somebody. I didn't have a choice. Willow : But you did. You could've told somebody. Your solution... Just put you two together in a room all night? Veruca : (Having woken up, stands up bearing all.) Girl's got a point. Oz : (Angrily.) Leave. Veruca : I'm just saying-- Oz : (Shouts) Now! I'm sorry. I know. Willow : I knew, you jerk. And you sat there, and you told me everything was fine? And that's as bad as... As... (Now crying.) Oz : I know how it feels. I remember. Willow : Oh. So what, this is payback? I had this coming? Oz : No. It's not-- Willow : Because I thought that was behind us. And you know, what happened with Xander, it doesn't compare. Not with what you and I had. Not with whatever you've been doing with her. Oz : I don't know what Veruca and I have done. When I change, it's like, it's like I'm gone and the wolf takes over. Willow : But before this, when you were regular Oz, you had feelings for her, didn't you? Oz : No. I could sense something, but... Willow : But you wanted her... Like in an animal way? Like...More than you wanted me? (She runs off, tears streaming down her face.) Oz : Willow! Cut to Willow walking down the street looking disconsolant. She walks into the street, and stops as a car comes bearing down on her. Buffy sees her but is too far away. Fortunatly Riley jumps out and yanks her to safty. Buffy comes running over. Buffy : Willow, are you ok? (To Riley.) Thank you. I was too far away. Riley : It was lucky. She almost got hit. Buffy : Willow, what's the matter? Riley : Maybe you should take her home. Whatever it is, it's not worth hurting yourself over. Buffy : Thank you. He leaves. Buffy guides Willow away. Cut to Willow and Buffy's room. Willow is sitting on her bed looking miserable. Buffy : I have to go. I have to find Veruca before the sun sets. I will, though. When I do, this thing stops. She's bad news. Do you want me to get you something before I take off? Kleenex? Chocolatey... Chocolate anything? Willow : No. Buffy : I'll come back as soon as this is finished. I just want you to take it easy, ok? Riley was right. The main thing is put the blame where it belongs. Don't hurt yourself. Willow : Uh-huh. Ok. Buffy : You're ok? Willow : I'm fine. I promise. Buffy : I love you. (Buffy leaves.) Willow : Put the blame where it belongs. Cut to Oz's room. He's on the phone sitting on the edge of his bed. Oz : So you haven't seen her around? (Pause.) Ok. Thanks, man. The door opens and Buffy enters. Buffy : Where is she? Oz : I don't know. I already checked all the usual haunts. But I know the areas we're drawn to. I'm pretty sure I can follow her scent. Buffy : We'll try that, then. Oz : Look, buffy, you should know that-- Buffy : Oz... (Coldly.) Now might be a good time for your trademark stoicism. They leave to go look for Veruca. Cut to Willow. She' got her wicca stuff out and is casting a spell. Beakers and vials are out, some boilding. Willow : I conjure thee by barabbas, by satanas, and the devil. As thou art burning, Let Oz and Veruca's deceitful hearts be broken. This way. I conjure thee by the saracen queen And the name of hell. Let them find no love or solace. Let them find no peace as well. Cut to Oz and Buffy running through the woods. Oz: She's near here. I can smell her. They come upon a pile of clothes in a heap, and no Veruca. Buffy : Or the dirty pile of clothing she left on the ground. Oz : Well, they could be from the other night when she-- Turned into a werewolf. U Buffy : Unless she wanted to throw you off the scent. Oz : Willow. Cut back to Willow. She has a picture of him and is holding it near the flame. Willow : Let this image seal his fate, not to love, only hate. Willow can't bring herself to finish the spell. She drops the picture and a levitating beaker along drops and the burning and boiling containers cease activity. Veruca : (Walking in.) Wow. For a minute there, I thought you might actually play rough. Sometimes you have to, you know? To keep what's yours, sometimes you have to kill. How 'bout that? The sun's almost down. She advances towards Willow. [SCENE_BREAK] Cut to Buffy and Oz running through the forrest top speed. Buffy slams full force into a burly commando guy. They hit the ground and thier guns go flying. (She's carring a tranquilizer.) They get up and run off. Veruca : Can't say I'm surprised you didn't go through with your little hex. You don't have the teeth. Willow : (Backing up.) You don't know what I have. You don't know anything about me. Veruca : I know what you love. I have his scent on me right now. Oz : Don't touch her again. Veruca : Come stop me. I like it rough, remember? Oz : You wanna hurt me, hurt me. You leave her out of this. Veruca : How can I? She's the reason you're living in cages. She's blinding you. When she's gone, you'll be able to admit what you are. Oz : You don't wanna find out what I am. Veruca : You're an animal. Animals kill. Oz : You're right. (Advancing towards her.) We kill. He starts to wolf as does she. They begin to struggle. They fight and he gets the upper hand and tears her throat out. Willow cowers in a corner, crying uncontrolably. Willow : Oz? He looks at her, and advances, then jumps but comes up short. Buffy has grabbed him. He goes to attack her but she kicks him out of her way, then shots him with the tranquilizer. He attempts to get up but falls back. Buffy goes to comfort the traumatized Willow. Cut to Giles apartment. Giles : I'm not quite sure I understand. Buffy : There was just so much going on with oz and willow. And there still is. But I just thought you should know. Giles : Well, this fellow in the woods, he was in military garb? Buffy : And he was toting some serious weaponry. The thing is, I saw some guys dressed exactly like him on halloween night. I just assumed they were in costume. But maybe they were working. I wanna know what's up. The guy got in my way. I almost didn't catch up with oz in time. And as it was, I was too late to-- Giles : You saved Willow. Buffy : Right now she wishes I hadn't. Giles, I've never seen her like this. It's like it hurts too much to form words. Giles : You've... You've felt that way yourself, And you got through it. Buffy : Yeah. I ran away and went to hell and then got through it. I'm kind of hoping she doesn't use me as a model. Giles : Fair enough. Buffy : I just don't know how they're gonna deal with this. Cut to Oz's room. He's packing. Willow : (Walks in.) Hello. Oz : Hi. Willow : What are you doing? Oz : I'm going. Willow : Now? Oz : Mm-hmm. He zips the suitcase. Willow : That's your solution? Oz : That's my decision. Willow : Don't I get any say in this? Oz : No. Veruca was right about something. The wolf is inside me all the time, and I don't know where that line is anymore between me and it. And until I figure out what that means, I shouldn't be around you... Or anybody. Willow : (Crying.) Well, that could be a problem 'cause people... Kind of a planetary epidemic. Oz : I'll find someplace. Willow : Well, how long? Oz : I don't know. Willow : Oz... Don't you love me? Oz : (Holding her pressing his forehead to hers as she sobs.) My whole life... I've never loved anything else. Willow : Oz... Oh, god. Oz... Willow is left standing crying. Oz walks out and puts his bag in his van. He gets in and starts the van. He pauses then cuts the engine. Then he starts the van again and drives away. BLACK OUT	Plan: A: another werewolf; Q: What does Oz encounter? A: Veruca; Q: Who wants Oz to stop hurting people? A: ( Paige Moss; Q: Who is Veruca? A: the morning; Q: When does Willow find Oz and Veruca naked? A: Heartbroken; Q: How does Willow feel when she finds Oz and Veruca naked? A: a spell; Q: What does Willow try to do but can't complete? A: wolf Veruca; Q: Who does Willow leave vulnerable to? A: the day; Q: What do Oz and Buffy save? A: town; Q: Where does Oz leave after saving Willow? Summary: Oz encounters another werewolf, Veruca ( Paige Moss ), who wants him to stop caging himself and hurt people. Physically attracted to her, Oz locks her in his cage to prevent her from attacking people. Willow finds them in the morning both naked. Heartbroken, she tries to do a spell but can't go through with it, leaving her vulnerable to wolf Veruca. Oz and Buffy save the day with Oz leaving town soon after.
[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Countess Marburg: It would appear there is another enemy at your gates. Mary: Then let us use this common threat as reason to unite. Countess Marburg: I have left a token of my appreciation. Sebastian: I do know you, Mary. I know you do not love me now. But you will. Mary: I was quite capable of disposing of George in my own manner. Sebastian: I prefer to have George in my pocket, not yours. Cotton: What happened to you, John? John: I fought fire with fire and got burned. Tituba: You will kill no witches tonight. Anne: Wrap it 'round with walls of Thorn. Let his mad love for me be born. Cotton: I... I love you. Countess Marburg: You hide in here, and you wish upon the moon itself to be as unmarked as you once were. Dollie: [ Whimpers ] [ Crying ] Countess Marburg: The last of the true witches. Do not lie to me. There could be no greater error than that. Anne: You know Increase Matherather? Countess Marburg: Oh, he and I danced a lively jig, and neither of us left it unmarked. Mary: Search your memory, Cotton. Surely, your father told you some hint to exactly how he sent this siren back to hell. Cotton: Would that he had. I'm afraid all his secrets died with him. Mary: I never thought I'd say these words... But I need you... Increase Matherather. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. [ Blows ] Every man feeds the conqueror worm. I eat your flesh, so obey, you must. By my command, moist earth turn. Give up your dead, their secrets to tell. Increase Mather, I call you from Hell. [ Creaking ] Alas, poor Increase. I knew him well. Too well. Dear Increase... You really think I'd allow you to lay hands on me? [ Glass shatters ] Feel better? No, I thought not. You always were a slow learner. Do you understand now? You... are... dead. Snatched from the burning sh1t pits of Hell to serve me. Increase: [ Gasping ] [ Groaning ] [ "Cupid carries a gun" plays ] ♪ Pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ pound me the witch drums ♪ ♪ the witch drums ♪ ♪ better pray for hell ♪ ♪ not hallelujah ♪ Mary: If you would speak... Perhaps in death, you must first learn what you never did in life... To listen. Painful, I know, for a man who lived by the power of his speech to be silenced. Or perhaps you weep for all those voices you silenced. Or is it just the torments you now suffer for those crimes. Increase: [ Gasps ] Mary: To give you a voice. Aww... poor Increase. Increase: [ Gasps ] [ Suckling ] Mary: Yes. Increase: [ Grunts ] [ Sighs ] Mary: Now, you, uh... You wanted to say something? Go ahead. Increase: God damn your soul to Hell. Mary: Oh, I've already offered up my soul to Hell. You, on the other hand, must have been terribly surprised to find yourself consigned there. Increase: Nothing could have surprised me less. No, I've always gone where all the others... My idiot son included... Are too weak to go. I take the battle to the very heart of darkness. I would do it again. Mary: Each man's hell is as unique as his crimes. What was yours? Increase: Mine... it is... me... Strapped into my own torture chair, beset by a legion of devils, each wearing my own face, mortifying my flesh with implements far more fiendish than any I could ever have contrived, gripped in hands as scarred as my own. No one can imagine or bear the torments of one's own worst acts. Mary: They say that those of us who find our hell on earth will find our heaven in hell. Increase: Even you, I should think, would not summon me from my grave simply to gloat. Mary: You lost the battle for the soul of Salem, and now you suffer in Hell without even the consolation of victory. I want to give you a second chance. Increase: A boon from Mary Sibley, Satan's favorite whore? Mary: [ Chuckles ] Increase: Why would you do anything for me? Mary: You didn't just fail in Salem. The world knows you for your great triumph back in Germany, but that was a failure, too. The witch you supposedly killed still lives. The bitch walks the streets of Salem at this very moment. Now help me defeat her for good. Increase: Yes. Mary Sibley, you're right. You know, she fooled me before, but she won't... She won't do it again. But before I can teach you how to destroy her now and forever, I must observe the bitch's lair. [ Chuckles ] [ Chains rattling ] John: Where am I? Tituba: In Salem... and outside of it. John: What do you want, witch? [ Gasps ] Tituba: So much magic on your flesh. You are becoming what you hunt, witch hunter. Careful, or you'll be torn apart by your own dogs. John: I hunt. I am my own dog. Tituba: And so you tear yourself apart. Such a desperate move, to let a medicine man bind your soul to the great spirit. Did they even warn you of the price you'd pay for such power? John: All except the part where I'd have to spend eternity listening to your bullshit. Why don't you just kill me? Tituba: Because I am not done with you yet. Never had much use for men... But I'm starting to think I might have some for you. John: I'd see you all burn. [ Grunts ] Tituba: Well, I have no problem with that... As long as they are the right witches. John: Is that why you saved Anne Hale? Tituba: [ Chuckles ] I did not save Anne Hale from you. I saved you from her. Countess Marburg: It's nothing short of astonishing... You seized the puritans' heartland from right out underneath them, got them to murder 13 of their own kind to fulfill your Grand Rite, even had the infinite satisfaction of using the odious Increase Mather as your final victim... Well, this would have been an enormous, indeed, unprecedented triumph, but you dared the ultimate... Unleashing a witch pox which turns their very bodies into hell-blood and opens a new gate of Hell at their feet. Mrs. Sibley... You are indeed a wonder for the ages. Mary: Thank you, Countess. Countess Marburg: [ Chuckles ] Mary: But I must humbly ask for your help. Now, with Mr. Sibley so inconveniently dead, I must shore up my authority in these final days. Your prestige and glamour rule Salem. I would like to invite a few of the important people to a dinner. For you and, of course, your son to sit at my table as my friend and supporter would make all the difference. Countess Marburg: It's a splendid idea. Yes. Yes, I was right. Our interests truly are as one. [ Sizzling ] Mary: You know, Sebastian, I have always responded much more to the carrot than the stick. Sebastian: And what variety of carrot might you have in mind? Mary: I do not relish having George's body hanging over me. If I could truly believe that you had disposed of it, I'd be so grateful, and my gratitude, sir, could... Raise the dead. Sebastian: Consider it done. The last trace of George will be gone before the night is through. [ Indistinct conversations ] Mary: You will have your chance tonight to find out if the Countess is the same witch you fought all those years ago. Increase: When I see her, I will know if it really is her. You see, she bears my mark, just as I bear hers. More importantly, I will find where she keeps it. Mary: It? Increase: One unholy object allows her to maintain her obscenely long existence. Destroy it, you destroy her. Mary: But what exactly is this object? Increase: You will learn the price of that knowledge once I have located... it. Mary: While she and her son dine here, you will have the run of her ship. Anne: Cotton loves me. But if he is spelled to love me, then how can I ever be sure his love is real? I want a man, not a puppet. Tell me, Brown Jenkins, is it possible to get everything one wants and not be happy? [ Squeaking ] You're not happy either, are you? What is it you want? Cheese? [ Gasping ] [ Squeals ] [ Gasps ] Countess Marburg: Oh, he simply wants to suckle and be fed by his mistress. [ Clicking tongue ] Oh, come here. [ Chuckles ] It is the price for doing all your bidding. [ Squeaking ] There, now. There. You should be proud to bear your witch mark. But, of course, upon your life, you must also keep it a secret... Just as you were supposed to keep our secret from Mary Sibley. I should punish you horribly here and now, but I will give you a chance to redeem yourself. Soon you'll receive an invitation to dine at the Sibley mansion this evening. During dinner, you'll slip away to steal your father's book of shadows. There are secrets in that book... Secrets you and I both need. Anne: Me? Why me? Countess Marburg: Because only you can find it. Anne: But how can I find a book I've never even seen before? Countess Marburg: Ah. Some things only need to be sought to be found. Succeed... And all will be forgiven. But fail... [ Brown Jenkins squeals ] Anne: [ Gasps ] Countess Marburg: And, well... Failure's not really an option, is it? [ Squeaking ] [ Bell tolling ] [ Indistinct conversations ] [ Horse whinnies ] [ Groaning ] Woman: Welcome back to Andover, Doctor. Collector: There's one more back here. Wainwright: Uh, he's not yet dead. Collector: Might as well be. Wainwright: Dum spiro spero... While there is breath, there is hope. [ Sighs ] My hope, that is. Man: [ Groaning ] Hear me, man. Give me your blessing. Will you sacrifice yourself so that countless others may live? Man: [ Groans weakly ] Sebastian: There are secrets you want opened, Mother. Leave them to me. There is no shell so hard I cannot find a way in... Though I believe the lovely widow Sibley, given time, will open herself willingly for me, like a rose. Countess Marburg: Yes, my dear. I'm aware that your charms are exceeded only by your self-regard. The real question is whether Mary Sibley is hiding something from us or someone is hiding it from her. Sebastian: You are indeed a sphinx, Ma'am. Whatever do you mean? Countess Marburg: Well, let us just say that I do not know if she has, in every sense, what it takes to complete what she's begun. But we may find that out tonight due to her timely invitation. Sebastian: And if she does not? What then of the lovely Mary Sibley and her Essex hive? Countess Marburg: Comme toujours, we slay them all. Mercy: At last... and you will let me do it for you, won't you? With my own hands and teeth? [ Chuckles ] Countess Marburg: [ Gasps ] Ohh! [ Chuckles ] Is she not lovely now, our Mercy? Sebastian: She's a rare bloom. Countess Marburg: A belladonna, a flowering nightshade... And must be, for Mercy will now bring the children to me so that we may go on blooming. [ Chuckles ] Sebastian: When have I ever failed you? Countess Marburg: Well, never, schatzi. Never. No, you gathered them faithfully and well since you were but a child, yourself. But time takes its toll on most. You are too old now, and the little ones fear you. Well, it embitters the blood, and it risks drawing too much attention. Now, the children will come willingly to Mercy as they once did to you. Besides, you're now ready for more challenging play. Sebastian: Mary Sibley. Mercy: Mary Sibley... What a pot of piss, pox, and poison. Countess Marburg: That may be so, my dear. But as every witch knows, piss, pox, and poison all have their use. Mary: Where do you think you are taking my son? Tituba: To the woods, where I can keep him safe from the Countess. Mary: Like you kept George safe? Tituba: I warned you not to underestimate the threat. And now you invite her here. Mary: Would you have me fight back the sea waves with a sword? Sometimes, letting the undertow carry one is the only way to escape it. Come on. Tituba: Proud Mary never learns. Mary: Oh, I have learned much from you, sister, including where not to place my trust. No one can protect my son better than I. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Indistinct conversations ] Wainwright: What ails you, Mather? Cotton: I cannot sleep. I cannot eat. I cannot read. Tell me... is love a sickness? Wainwright: [ Chuckles ] Well, love is an odd fever, one that longs for that which causes it. Cotton: Then there is no cure. Wainwright: Hmm. None that I can administer. For my part, I have found these last days staring into the riddling face of death enough to sober me. Cotton: What have you seen? Wainwright: [ Sighs ] I've been to Andover. I'm quite sure their pox was inherited from ours, and yet the victims there, they... They do not suffer with this black bile. Perhaps, as with love, this fever longs for some particular end. Cotton: For a man of science, you speak in riddles. Wainwright: Well, let's just say I have an opportunity to observe that end tonight... An experiment. Tell me, Reverend, as a doctor of the soul... Would it be a sin to sacrifice one man to save many? Cotton: The one must sacrifice himself, like Christ. Otherwise, it is not sacrifice, but murder. Wainwright: And if one murdered a man about to die, is that really a crime? Cotton: A crime, perhaps not, but a sin, no doubt. Wainwright: Ah. I can live with that. Question is, can you? Cotton: I suppose we'll find out. Wainwright: Then I will call upon you when the time is right. [ Children laughing ] Woman: Shut up! And keep spinning, or feel me mighty wrath. What are you looking at? Get back to work. [ Echoing humming ] What are you doing? Who's gonna pay for that, huh? You're gonna pay for this, you little brat! [ Slap ] Get back to work. [ Humming continues ] [ Sea gulls crying ] [ Indistinct conversations ] Countess Marburg: [ Humming ] [ Sizzling ] [ Gasps ] [ Humming ] Anna: [ Sighs ] I hate formal dinners. I wish I were an Indian. I bet they never have to dress for dinner. What do you say, Brown Jenkins? Can you make me an Indian maiden? [ Squeaks ] No? I thought not. Well, at least I would rather not enter alone. That is the worst part... When you enter a room and all eyes turn to judge. Could you bring Cotton to my door, to accompany me, with a bouquet in hand, poetry on his lips? [ Squeaks ] [ Knock on door ] [ Indistinct conversations ] Oh! Thank you! They're beautiful. Cotton: They are but a pale shadow of your own beauty. Anne: Really? Cotton: Truly. Anne: [ Sniffs ] Cotton: I hope the neighbors won't miss the flowers. [ Both chuckle ] [ Chuckles ] I've come to walk with you to Mary Sibley's. Anne: Oh. I was just thinking how lovely it would... be. When did you decide to come? Cotton: Well, to be honest, I was on my way, and the thought of you just dawned in my mind, like... like the rising sun. Anne: I'll be a few moments. Sebastian: Must I be here? You know nothing bores me quite like a supper. Countess Marburg: Whatever Mary Sibley's insidious intent... And I don't doubt her narrow, little mind has one... Tonight's dinner shall work for my purposes, too. Sebastian: How can you still doubt her, Mother? Salem is clearly well on its way to hell on earth. Oh, it takes a harder heart than hers to open the gate... A heart like mine. Had not that pious hypocrite Increase Mather stopped me... Sebastian: But he did not stop Mary Sibley. Countess Marburg: Do not set your heart on having Mary Sibley. This may turn out to be her last supper. If I find her wanting at anytime, including tonight, she may not live long enough for you to bed her, let alone love her. A toast... To our new friends in Salem... To the indefatigable Mary Sibley, and to absent friends, like dear George Sibley, resting peacefully upstairs. Let us eat and drink our fill in honor of him, exactly as he would wish. To friends. Anne: To friends. Wainwright: To friends. It's been too long, Doctor. I still remember your last visit and your palpable taste for all things elizabethan. Wainwright: Even in your fair company, I find it hard not to think of the plague that rages on while we sit and sup here. Mary: I understand, and your dedication is admirable. But we are here, and we must eat. Would you care to carve, Doctor? Wainwright: Is that the role you wish for me... The Fiddler at Rome's pyre? Sebastian: I heard you were a true physician, but you are rude as a barber surgeon. Where are your manners? Wainwright: I must have misplaced them. Perhaps in the same dark cabinet where you keep your morals. Mary: I think we can all agree what a terrible thing it is that people are dying of plague while we feast off this fine China. Sebastian: Terrible. But no more terrible than life itself. The world is as it is. Wainwright: On this, at least, we agree. Mary: Are you both so certain that things cannot somehow be made fairer? Sebastian: Life was not designed to be fair. Wainwright: If it was designed at all. Mary: Hush, now, or the magistrate here will have to bring you up on charges of atheism, and it does so go against all rules of decorum to have to testify against one's dinner guest. Hathorne: [ Chuckles ] Countess Marburg: [ Chuckles ] Sebastian: Very well, then. If the good doctor will not perform for you, I am more than happy to play his role. Cotton: [ Clears throat ] Ladies and... gentlemen... [ Sighs ] If you will indulge me a moment. I have a-a question to put to miss Hale, and, um, I ask it in the sight of god and all of Salem's finest. Anne... Will you marry me? Anne: [ Gasps ] Forgive me. I... I'm quite overcome. I just need some time to compose myself. Excuse me. [ Insects chirping ] [ Indistinct conversations ] [ Distorted wailing ] [ Wailing continues ] Cotton: You dare to call yourself magistrate and treat your fellow man like that? Hathorne: Indians... Godless heathens. [ Door creaks ] There is no law against driving a hard bargain. [ Indistinct conversation in distance ] Finally, I plied them with port. [ Chuckles ] By the time the night was through, they gave me all the furs they trapped that season in exchange for two dull axes and a moth-eaten blanket. Countess Marburg: Like piggies at the trough... Little knowing how soon they will be led to the slaughter. Mary: Some of them have their uses. Countess Marburg: True enough, I suppose. Mr. Hathorne will make a fine puritan beard for us to wear... Greedy and easily manipulated... So he will live. Young Mather, on the other hand... Mary: Is harmless. Countess Marburg: Hardly. Filled with passion and ideals... There's very little more dangerous than that combination. No, he must die. So, young Mather can join his father in Hell. And, of course, the handsome Dr. Wainwright... He shall die first of all... Too fearless, too intelligent, above all, too curious. Wouldn't you agree? After all, as you'll soon learn, if you've not already, it's precisely sacrifice that fuels our work. You might say that sacrificing what we most love is the key to opening... All doors. Hathorne: Are they cultivated? No. They hunt and... [ Rattling ] Tituba: What are you doing in here? Anne: Escaping a boring dinner and a drunken fiancé. Tituba: Out. Anne: [ Sighs ] [ Door closes ] Sebastian: You must know a great deal about witchcraft, Reverend, to make such fine distinctions. Cotton: I studied the matter in college. My family is also well-versed. But I continue to read and continue to learn when I can. Hathorne: Learning. Really? [ Chuckles ] Is that what they call it these days? Tituba: Come, child. We must go. Boy: My mother said to stay inside. Tituba: Your mother does not understand the danger here. Now, come with me. Boy: No. She said I didn't have to go. I was to stay here! I want to see my mother! Tituba: Shh! There is no time. Come on. Cotton: Light and truth. Hathorne: This roast is most delicious. Anne: I quite agree. Cotton: Hathorne, would you pass the salt? Hathorne: How will such a college be paid for, Mather? Mary: That matter we discussed this morning... Removing all traces of George. Sebastian: We just did. [ Indistinct conversation ] Boy: I'm sorry. I know I was supposed to stay in my room... but I was scared. Mary: Oh, that's all right, love. We all get scared sometimes. Countess Marburg: And who is this... precious little boy? Mary: This is George's nephew. Countess Marburg: And where are his parents? Mary: Slaughtered by Indians. We have only just ransomed him back. He is unused to civilized company and most naughty for interrupting our dinner. Tell Nathaniel to take you to bed and read you a story. Countess Marburg: He is a most precious, little lamb. [ Insects chirping ] Cotton: Anne. Anne: Cotton! Cotton: I've been looking for you. Is that an answer? Anne: To what? Cotton: [ Chuckles ] W... to my proposal. Anne: Yes. Cotton: Yes? Yes. Anne: Yes. Cotton: Yes. Oh, love. Anne: [ Sighs ] [ Gasps ] No, I'm sorry, Cotton, I can't. Not like this. Wainwright: Mather? Anne: Not tonight. Wainwright: You said you wanted to be there. Well, it's time for you to protect my immortal soul. Cotton: [ Chuckles ] Goodnight, then. Anne: Good night. Tituba: We were both born free, John Alden... And both ended slaves to the same woman. John: Not me. Not anymore. Tituba: If that were true, witch hunter, Mary Sibley would be dead by now. John: What do you want from me? Tituba: For now, I am content merely to scratch an itch. But soon, when the time is right, you shall be the thing that I hold over Mary Sibley. You shall be my weapon in this witch war. Cotton: I heard rumors you perform autopsy. Wainwright: Autopsy is performed on the dead, vivisection on the living. Cotton: What you propose is a mortal sin. Wainwright: Here, take the lamp. You may say whatever words you think your God might like. Cotton: I have none for such an occasion. Wainwright: A silent clergyman... Perhaps the divine exists after all. [ Sighs ] [ Flesh tearing ] Man: [ Groans weakly ] [ Flesh tearing ] [ Hissing ] [ Both coughing ] Cotton: [ Muffled ] What in God's name? His organs have liquefied into bile. Man: [ Groaning weakly ] Wainwright: Oh. It's as though the bile consumes its victim from the inside out. [ Hissing ] [ Bubbling ] Wainwright: How far do you think it goes? Cotton: All the way to Hell. [ Indistinct conversations ] Countess Marburg: So beautiful. Sebastian: Indeed. I can still see her... Hear her golden laugh yet in my e... Countess Marburg: Not her, him... the boy. Sebastian: A poor war orphan? What of him? Countess Marburg: All my questions are answered. Mary Sibley indeed has everything she needs to complete what she has begun, but she doesn't know what it is. She's almost as dim as you. Do you know how long it's been since I saw even a glimpse of my dark lord's face? Why, the mountains themselves were young then. And now... so close. He is already inside the boy. And come the comet... We shall let him out. Sebastian: Mercy. Countess Marburg: There's a reason we use the tub for that, mercy. Mercy: Oh, I know. I'm so sorry. It was just... Oh, it was so good. Sebastian: You will be sorry, you filthy, little wretch! Countess Marburg: Children, children... It's only a little blood. Come along, Mercy. It's intoxicating, isn't it? Mercy: Mm. Countess Marburg: Oh, I was going to give her the girl anyway. Perhaps we can squeeze a few more drops out of her. I want Mercy to look her best tomorrow. Mercy: Why? What is tomorrow? Countess Marburg: Mm, tomorrow, you will fetch me a most special lamb. Mercy: [ Laughs ] [ Creaking ] [ Glass shatters ] [ Creaking ] [ Wind rushes ] Cotton: Who's there? I must be going mad. You're dead. [ Creaking ] This can't be. I killed you. What is it you want? [ Breathing heavily ] [ Screaming ]	Plan: A: drastic measures; Q: What does Mary resort to in order to gain valuable information? A: Increase; Q: Whose soul does Mary temporarily bring from Hell? A: her success; Q: What does Mary hope to assure with her political hold over Salem? A: her fate; Q: What could Mary's political move seal? A: Anne Hale; Q: Who learns that getting what she desires comes at a cost? A: Anne; Q: Who is John Alden planning to kill? A: her Witch's tutorial; Q: What is Anne Hale doing? A: her father's Witch book; Q: What is Anne Hale using to learn about Witchcraft? A: others; Q: What does Anne Hale learn she must remain supplicant to in order to continue on her seemingly powerful path? A: their plan; Q: What do the Countess and Sebastian continue to work? A: their enemy's stronghold; Q: Where are the Countess and Sebastian presented with a rare glimpse into? A: Little John; Q: Who is the Countess's son introduced to? A: their cause; Q: What is made stronger by Mercy? A: Wainwright returns; Q: Who returns to Salem? A: light; Q: What does Wainwright's information shed on the town's particular strain of plague? A: their powers; Q: What does Wainwright want to know more about? A: plans; Q: What does Tituba make for John Alden? A: Cotton; Q: Who gets a visit from his father's ghost? A: a surprising visit; Q: What does Cotton get from his father's ghost? Summary: Mary resorts to drastic measures, by temporarily bringing Increase's soul from Hell, in a bid to attain valuable information for use in combating the Countess, and she tries to shore up her political hold over Salem with a move that could either assure her success or seal her fate. As Anne Hale continues her Witch's tutorial through her father's Witch book, she learns that getting what she desires comes at a cost, and that in order to continue on her seemingly powerful path she must still remain supplicant to others. As the Countess and her son, Sebastian, continue to work their plan, they are presented with a rare glimpse into their enemy's stronghold where they are introduced to Little John unexpectedly, and their cause is made stronger by Mercy. Wainwright returns to Salem having gained some measure of information that shed light on the town's particular strain of plague to Mary but reveals that he is willing to join with Mary to know more about their powers. Meanwhile, Tituba makes plans for John Alden, whom she had caught while he was to kill Anne in her sleep, and Cotton gets a surprising visit from his father's ghost.
Our nation is built upon a history of battles, fought over honor, family and power. These bloody and iconic chapters, define what it truly means to be an American. These are Blood Feuds. In the 1840s, New York's mean streets are ruled by rival gangs... Gentlemen, stand your ground now. Narrator: One of them, Irish, the other, native-born... I should have killed you when I had the chance. This feud was fought with blood, sticks, guile, nerve. Consider this an open challenge. Narrator: Led by two men... John Morrissey and William Poole, who are sworn enemies. I'll teach you a lesson not to mess with true Americans like us. Their bitter hatred would spark savage fury and become the stuff of legend. One man will emerge victorious and rise up in American politics, while his opponent will end in ruin. This was a street fight for America and who is gonna get to be an American. It was gouge your eyes out and leave your enemy dead in the street. Narrator: This is the harrowing, real story of the fabled feud from gangs of New York. This was an epic feud. Aah! It was gonna end bad. I'm William Poole, better known as Bill the Butcher. I'm a true American. And I made it my mission to let all the Irish scum know just how unwelcome they are in my country. The worst of the lot is John Morrissey. My name is John Morrissey. I'm Irish and proud of it. I'll do what I have to do and fight who I'll have to fight. And not bill Poole, nor any man, will stand in my way. I'll teach you a lesson. It'll be you who takes a poundin', Butcher. Come on! [Groans] Narrator: For William Poole and John Morrissey, their blood feud has its beginnings in the late 1840s. New York City is a thriving metropolis, the biggest city in the country, swelling with waves of new immigrants from Europe. The 1840s and '50s was probably the most violent and volatile era in New York City's history. You've got a newly emerging, early industrial elite class and thousands of immigrants streaming into the city. Narrator: The divide between rich and poor has never been greater. The poorest New Yorkers live in a downtown slum called Five Points, located in the part of town known today as Chinatown. Five Points, New York, at this point, was a den of iniquity. It was the worst place on earth. People were starving. People were fighting. There was blood in the streets. Narrator: For the masses who live here, every day is a brutal struggle to survive amidst poverty and violence. There was prostitution, drunkenness, children being left neglected. McMillan: And there was not a large police presence. So walking down the streets in Five Points, you could literally be killed. I could murder you and get away with it. Narrator: Here in Five Points, only the strongest men rise to the top of the heap. McMillan: You had to be tough. Back then, you backed it up with this. And if you didn't, you took the proverbial dirt nap, if you know what I'm sayin'. Narrator: On these mean streets, one man is known as the meanest of them all... 28-year-old William Poole. He's a butcher by trade, who maintains a stall in a downtown market. At over 6 feet tall and 200 pounds, Poole is an imposing figure. Butchers tended to be big men. You were really taking animals apart by hand. You had to really be a powerful person to do that. Three pounds of pork, please. Uh, that's three. I... I'm sorry, Mr. Poole. No, that doesn't look like three pounds to me. Narrator: Poole's nickname, Bill the Butcher, doesn't come from just chopping meat. Everyone knows that if you cross Poole, you may not walk away. Sir, are you suggesting that I'm not an honest man? McMillan: He was notorious for his brutality. Are you questioning my integrity? He is vicious. He could be evil. He could be downright deadly. Get out of my sight before I slice you in two! Narrator: Poole's fierce reputation doesn't just come from the butcher stand. He rules Five Points, along with a vicious street gang called the Bowery Boys. The Bowery Boys would lease themselves out to various people to collect debts. They looked like something out of "Clockwork Orange". You didn't want to see these guys coming. The group is based upon one thing... hatred for anyone who is not a native-born American. The Bowery Boys were American-born, semi-educated. They were rabidly anti-Catholic, anti-Irish, anti-semitic, anti-black. They are anti-everybody that didn't look, dress, sound, and act just like them. Narrator: In recent years, Five Points has become a dumping ground for an enormous wave of Irish immigrants fleeing the potato famine back home. This is suddenly this wave of the poorest, most desperate people who can get off the island. In the space of about five years, 250,000 Irish Catholics show up. Narrator: The Bowery Boys, part of an anti-immigrant movement called the Nativists, regard all Irish with fear and contempt. Baker: Nativists see this wave of Irish coming in. And they're really fearful of this. They see themselves losing jobs, losing political power, losing money. Many were Catholics, which Protestants had a huge problem with. This is a tremendous threat to them. Narrator: Poole himself has a deep, personal loathing for the Irish, who he considers a sub-human race contaminating his city. Kamil: Poole sees all of these Irish immigrants taking over the cities, changing what he sees as the course of America's destiny. William Poole really did have this air about him that he was a better class of person. And immigrants were just dirt. He was very much, "I'm American. This is they way things are. And if you're not gonna play by the rules, get the [Bleep] out." Narrator: Bill the Butcher thinks he and his thugs can rule Five Points for good. But one man is about to challenge him and start a battle that will end in blood. In 1849, a scrappy, young Irishman arrives in New York City. His name is John Morrissey. Born in Ireland, he grew up in the tough town of Troy, New York, 150 miles up the Hudson. In his teens, he fought prejudice and poverty with his fists as a street corner brawler and a leader of a predominantly Irish gang, the Downtown Boys. As a teenager, he'd been arrested numerous times. He'd been charged with aggravated assaults. Narrator: But Morrissey grows sick of petty crime. He's got a burning desire to rise up in the world. He knows he's got to use his head. He teaches himself to read and write. And he knows, if he's going to use his hands, it's going to be for fighting his way to the top. Narrator: Having faced prejudice his whole life, he's got a chip on his shoulder a mile wide. And he's here in New York to prove that an Irishman can claw his way to the top. He's been through the [Bleep], and he wants to get a million miles away from where he came from. And anything that stands in his way, he's going to obliterate them. Narrator: And nothing can unleash his fury like an insult to his Irish blood. Paddy Irish scum. Morrissey doesn't think about the consequences. He thinks about here, now, and what seems to be an uncontrollable rage. Oh! Who the hell do think you are? Nobody talks to John Morrissey that way! I ought to teach you some damn manners! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Morrissey comes into town, frankly, full of piss and vinegar. In New York, a tough reputation is gonna help you get ahead in a testosterone-driven neighborhood like Five Points. Narrator: In order to stake his reputation here, Morrissey heads to a notorious hangout for the toughest gangs in Five Points, the Empire Club. One night, Morrissey walks into this lion's den all alone, with a bold plan to get noticed. He has no idea the danger that awaits because, according to legend, he's about to meet the man who will become his rival in blood. Gentlemen, I hope you'll excuse my interruption. My name is John Morrissey, proud son of county Tipperary and light of Troy, New York. John Morrissey saunters into this club like he's the biggest thing since Whales. He has balls the size of king Kong, as we would say in Ireland. I've spent my life developing my skills as a fighter. And I welcome the pleasure of taking on all commerce... ... if you have the nerve. You have seasoned boxers that populate the Empire Club. So you have to think that Morrissey's insane to go into a bar full of brawlers and challenge every one of them to a fight. Kamil: This is Morrissey's James Dean moment. He has nothing to live for, nothing to die for. He's not thinking about the consequences. But Morrissey has picked a bad night because the most vicious man in Five Points, William Poole, is sitting with his gang only feet away. So, of course, Poole looks at him like, "what, are you [Bleep] stupid?" Listen to that cocky jackass. Who the hell does he think he is? Who does he think that we are? I promise, I can best you. Consider this an open challenge. [Man laughs] Muldoon: He had no chance of survival. The odds were just zilch. But Morrissey knows he had to do it to make a mark. Kamil: He's young, he's strong, and now he wants to take a seat at the table. Narrator: To Bill the Butcher, there's nothing more hateful than a bragging Irishman. You dumb potato-eater! You think you can take on the likes of us? McMillan: William Poole would refer to the Irish as dirty, stinky, paddy, lowlife potato-eaters. I think we can save you a lot of time and trouble if you just take us all on at once. All: Yeah! Yeah! Muldoon: For Poole, this is a piece of paddy scum. How dare him come into this bar, come into this country, and challenge us. Let's have at him. All: Yeah! Narrator: What happens next... [indistinct shouting] ... is the start of a feud so violent, an entire city will be bathed in blood. Narrator: It's 1849. Irish immigrant John Morrissey has just challenged anyone in New York City's Empire Club to a fight. I welcome the pleasure of taking on all commerce... ... if you have the nerve. Narrator: As legend has it, gang leader William Poole accepts. You think you can take on the likes of us? And this fateful moment ignites the beginning of a feud so vicious that it will live forever in infamy. Let's have at him. All: Yeah! [Indistinct shouting] [Grunting] Everybody ganged up on Morrissey. Literally, it was a scrum. Everybody just piled on and started beating the [Bleep] out of Morrissey. Narrator: As the story goes, it's Bill the Butcher who delivers the most brutal assault. Poole was on top of Morrissey and was wailing on his face. Narrator: It's as if Poole's hatred of the Irish is all directed at this one man. Morrissey was getting his ass whipped, but Poole just kept on pummeling. Bill the Butcher was a terrific street fighter, a ferocious individual. When he fought somebody, he would do everything he could to actually hurt that person. Bill excelled at that. He enjoyed hurting his opponents. He would eviscerate somebody if he had to. Yeah! Narrator: It looks like Poole will kill Morrissey. But suddenly, the beating stops. As the story goes, William Poole actually pulled people back because they were gonna kill him. All right, boys, that's enough that we wiped the smirk off this dirty Irishman. Muldoon: His face was so violently disfigured that Poole wanted Morrissey to live and walk amongst the masses like a freak, to let Irish people know this is what's going to happen to you if you mess around with me. Anyone who claps eyes on him will know not to mess with true Americans like us. All: Yeah! McMillan: But not killing Morrissey would be something that William Poole would live to regret. Narrator: Despite the savage beating Morrissey took, it turns out the Irishman also had a little luck. At a nearby table, one man is impressed by his courage. His name is Isaiah Rynders. He's the owner of the Empire Club and a legendary power-broker in Five Points. You've got a lot of guts, lad. I could use somebody like you. And Rynders ultimately offers him a job for the sheer audacity of him coming in and challenging them. Morrissey accomplishes his goal of making his mark. As his wounds heal, word of his brave stand against Poole the bigot spreads all over town. This is something that will be told and retold. This makes him an instant champion of his fellow Irish New Yorkers, somebody who would walk right into the lion's den and challenge Poole. Narrator: But humiliation from the fight still burns deep, and he vows revenge on his new foe, Bill the Butcher. Meanwhile, Poole's beatdown of this bragging Irishman earns him a wider reputation among the Nativists. The feud is on, and all of Five Points is watching. With his newfound notoriety, Bill the Butcher goes deeper into politics. Joining the anti-immigrant know-nothing political party, he and the Bowery Boys act as shoulder-hitters during elections to secure the vote. McMillan: There were gang members that intercepted you and told you who to vote for. And if you were smart, that's exactly what you would do. Narrator: For Poole and the Bowery Boys, the enemy is Tammany Hall, the Democratic machine which has the support of thousands of Irish immigrants. Baker: Tammany Hall was pretty much the only organization really looking out for the immigrants in any sort of way. Narrator: One of the biggest fixers for Tammany Hall is none other than Isaiah Rynders, the Empire Club owner who hires John Morrissey as a runner to court the Irish vote. Kamil: Morrissey's primary job is to welcome the new Irish to America, to help get them settled in a home, in a job, and remind them who got them a job because when election day comes, they will be called upon. Narrator: To take on his adversary, Poole and the Bowery Boys, it's said the Morrissey enlists the notorious Five Points gang whose name has long been shrouded in mystique, the Dead Rabbits. The Dead Rabbits is one of the best-known yet least-known-about gangs in Five Points. They were an amorphous group of Irish, deeply involved in criminal activity. Narrator: Morrissey and the dead rabbits are on a collision course with Bill the Butcher and the Bowery Boys. Their rivalry is a time bomb ready to explode. Election season, early 1850s. In order to defeat a pro-Irish, Democratic candidate for mayor of New York, a rising champion of immigrants and the poor named Fernando Wood, Bill the Butcher and the Bowery Boys plan to raid a heavily Irish polling place. McMillan: The way they intimidated was basically by blocking ballot boxes and threatening the people coming up to them. Narrator: It's a tactic they've used many times before. And Poole has no reason to think that today will be any different. Kamil: Rumors begin to circulate that William Poole and his Bowery Boys are gonna do everything they can to affect the upcoming election. So Tammany Hall recruits Morrissey to guarantee what Tammany Hall is gonna call a fair and equal election, which, in reality, is get Poole out of the way and stuff the ballot boxes with Democratic tickets. Narrator: At the polling station, Morrissey gathers his men. This is a way for him to help the Irish of Five Points and to finally get his revenge. Gentlemen, stand your ground now. And tonight, there be a pint for every Bowery head you crack! McMillan: By the time Poole got there, Morrissey's gang, the dead rabbits, was already there. They had ringed the place. Well, if it ain't John Morrissey. Have you forgotten the last time we met and I beat your face into a pulp? Stand aside, or you'll be sorry. Poole, you're outnumbered. The good people of this precinct will be voting for them that takes care of them. And youse can't stop 'em. William Poole and John Morrissey came within feet of each other and just stared at each other. You're a sneaky Irish bstrd, Morrissey. I should have killed you when I had the chance. Narrator: Poole has a tough decision. If he leaves, he'll be humiliated by his rival, Morrissey. But to take on the larger gang could be suicide. Common sense took over and Poole was like, "yeah, we are way outnumbered." This is a sight we'll get used to, boys... A native, ready to tuck tail and run away. You'll pay for this, I swear. Poole hated it but walked away. Poole had to essentially slink away, which is worse than losing a fight. He was beaten by an Irishman. He was beaten by a [Bleep] immigrant! That had to have gone through his head. Narrator: This time, it's John Morrissey who has won the day against Poole. With Morrissey's backing, Fernando Wood goes on to become mayor. It's a victory for Tammany Hall and the Irish. In the battle for power and politics, Morrissey and Poole have each won one round against the other. But this epic feud is just getting started. After the election day standoff, John Morrissey's reputation among the Irish and Tammany Hall continues to grow. But it's his success in another arena that will catapult him to national fame. Since leaving Troy, Morrissey has honed his brawling skills to become a fearsome bare-knuckle boxer. It's a brutal sport and illegal in most places. Colberg: Unlike boxing today, bare-knuckle boxing had no rules... ear biting, eye gouging, fighters sharpened their finger nails, sharpened their teeth. You hoped to come out with all your parts intact. This was ugly. Narrator: With prizefighting touted by many during this era as the unofficial national sport of the United States, boxers are revered as heroes by the public. Boxing is almost always about people on the way up... The Irish, African-Americans, Hispanics in this country. It's always been the sport in which new Americans are trying to assert themselves. [Bell dings] Narrator: On October 12th, 1853, Morrissey has the chance to compete against the reigning American heavyweight champion, Yankee Sullivan. This is a shot for stardom and a $2,000 purse. But that figure doesn't include the big money being wagered on the fight. One of the biggest betters in town is none other than his Nemesis, William Poole. The story is that Poole put a lot of money on Yankee Sullivan, who was the champion of the Nativists. Come on! Narrator: By betting on the champ, Poole expects to win big. Sullivan was fast. He's been in the game for a long time, but Morrissey's not afraid. He'll face the devil himself, head on. Narrator: Just as Poole hopes, Sullivan trounces Morrissey. Poole can't wait to see his enemy go down in flames. But this fight is about to take a shocking turn that will take this blood feud to a whole new level. [Bell dings] Narrator: It's October 1853. John Morrissey is fighting boxing champ Yankee Sullivan for the heavyweight title. But one man, William Poole, has bet a significant sum of money that his archenemy, Morrissey, will lose. Come on! McMillan: Yankee Sullivan did quite a job on John Morrissey. He was surgical in his strikes. Morrissey was getting his ass whipped. [Bell dings] Kill him! Narrator: Despite the thrashing, Morrissey won't go down. The fight goes on for an incredible 37 rounds. Colberg: That's crazy. Modern fighters today last only 12 rounds. It would be a prodigious undertaking to take such abuse. [SCENE_BREAK] [Bell dings] Narrator: The crowd is in a frenzy. Knock him out! It looks certain Morrissey will lose. Muldoon: Morrissey... he's bloody, he's bruised, he's broken. But there's no stopping this guy. He just will not give up. Narrator: Morrissey staggers up and fires one last shot, pushing Sullivan against the ropes. Off balance, Sullivan falls outside the ring. Get off him! That's when all hell breaks loose. The rabid fans swarms Sullivan. In all the chaos, it's likely that Sullivan does not hear the referee's calls over the roar of the crowd. Referee: Get back into the ring. Mr. Sullivan. And he doesn't return to the ring. [Indistinct shouting] Sullivan was supposed to come back, center of the ring, and continue, but Sullivan didn't come back. Sullivan! Sullivan! One... Supposedly, 10 count is given. Yankee Sullivan is out. Five, six, seven, eight... Narrator: So the referee declares the unlikely winner. Nine. [Indistinct shouting] Referee: I declare John Morrissey the new heavyweight champion of the United States. So Morrissey won on a technicality. [Cheering] He's a cheat! The only reason he "won" was 'cause it was called by a judge. He's a cheat! Poole felt ripped off. He felt raped. William Poole lost a fortune. And his enemy has won again. Narrator: After the fight, news of Morrissey's victory spreads, and the Irish celebrate all over Five Points and America. While the Butcher can't change the outcome of the match, he does the one thing he can to get back at his rival... renege on his bets. Poole has been talking very loudly to all of his friends and anyone who will listen, "do not pay the gambling debt because Morrissey didn't win the fight." Nobody pay out your bets. Nobody pay out on this Irish scum. Narrator: Poole is determined that Morrissey and the Dead Rabbits will not profit one cent off their bets on Morrissey. Kamil: Now, this is preventing Morrissey from making money. It's also questioning his victory. So he may have the title of the heavyweight champion of America, but it doesn't mean anything if people don't believe he won. Narrator: Although Morrissey is furious over Poole's refusal to pay his debts, he's helped by a new romance with a kindhearted lass who will soon be his wife. Meanwhile, Morrissey's career continues to rise. His newfound fame and his work for Tammany Hall make him one of the best-known Irishmen in the northeast. Some even whisper he should run for elected office. And yet, all over town, the Butcher is trashing Morrissey's name, insulting him as only a bigot can. There's something about this whole sort of dance that Morrissey and Poole are having. It's like they're kind of stalking each other. Narrator: As the feud simmers, all of Five Points is watching. The Nativists want their hero, Poole, to put the immigrant in his place. And the Irish hope Morrissey will be their champion against Poole the bigot. Everyone can feel a showdown is near. Several months after the boxing match, the two rivals have a chance encounter that quickly erupts into fury. Morrissey asks Poole why he's telling people not to pay him out, and Poole responds, "because you didn't win the fight." Narrator: Filled with rage, Morrissey issues a challenge. Morrissey responds with, "I'll fight you anywhere, any time." Narrator: It's what everyone has been waiting for... a one-on-one fight between the two toughest men in Five Points. McMillan: So it was agreed that they would meet at the Amos street dock at 7:00 the next morning, where they would have their fight. Narrator: On July 27th, 1854, the stage is set for a showdown at the docks. Morrissey arrives with a few Dead Rabbits and Poole with a pack of Bowery Boys. Now, the Irishman and the bigot are about to square off. They're fighting for their pride, fighting for their people, and they're fighting for blood. McMillan: It's finally gonna happen. Now, they're gonna have revenge on each other. Narrator: July 1854. After a long-simmering feud, Irishman John Morrissey is about to fight his archenemy, William "Bill the Butcher" Poole. They are the two toughest men in Five Points... One, an Irish immigrant, the other, a proud Nativist. Morrissey and Poole are staring eye-to-eye. Their hatred is so intense, they're biting at the bit to start the fight. This is the moment that they've both been waiting for. Come on, Irish. You know you can't cheat your way out of this one. I'm glad to see you brought all your boys with you. They'll be cleaning you up off this pier. When will you ever learn? Don't worry. I'll teach you a lesson. Not this time, Poole. It'll be you who takes a poundin', Butcher. Man: Make him look silly. Come on, man. Morrissey threw the first punch. Poole blows it off. Morrissey throws the second punch on his body. Poole blows it off. [Indistinct shouting] A guy like Poole, this guy is methodical. Come on! His approach is pragmatic. Narrator: Morrissey is a bare-knuckle boxer. But Bill the Butcher is one of the deadliest street fighters in Five Points. And he knows how to find an opponent's weakness. Morrissey's anxious. Morrissey wants the world in his hands, right then and there. It's gonna make Morrissey vulnerable because he's gonna be emotional. And Poole's emotionless. Poole waits patiently for Morrissey's impulsiveness to give him an opening. Come on! Morrissey makes a mistake, charges Poole. And Poole jumps on him. This is bare-knuckle boxing. This is rough and tumble. There are no rules. Narrator: Now, the Butcher has his prey right where he wants him... Trapped. Poole beats him to a pulp... eyes, face, ears. Narrator: With shocking brutality, Poole reportedly gouges his eyes and bites a hole in his cheek. Poole knew going in he was gonna wipe the floor with Morrissey. And that's exactly what happened. Through a haze of blood, Morrissey realizes that Poole won't stop pounding him until he's dead. With his last breaths, this proud Irishman does something he's never done before. Not after 37 rounds with Yankee Sullivan, not even when Poole had him down at the Empire Club. He surrenders. Come on, you. Yeah! To survive this moment, he needs to surrender. He needs to give up. Otherwise, he's gonna die. McMillan: There was no choice. He was being beaten so badly by William Poole. Poole gets up, struttin' like the cock of the walk. Narrator: Poole and his gang leave Morrissey for dead. But Morrissey is still breathing, barely alive. Morrissey is just beaten to the point of hospitalization. Morrissey could have very well died that day. Narrator: By the next day, reports of Poole's victory and Morrissey's injuries made national headlines. Kamil: The newspaper accounts asked whether Morrissey will ever actually walk again. William Poole soundly thrashed poor John Morrissey. Poole was totally the winner of that confrontation. Narrator: It's a victory for the anti-immigrant movement across the country that this Nativist beat the upstart Irishman. As months pass, a triumphant Poole believes the feud with Morrissey is over. He carries on his life of butchering and ballot stuffing, confident his reign in town will continue. But he may have underestimated his opponent one last time. In the wake of the fight, a devastated Morrissey spends weeks recuperating. His wife, shaken, begs him to leave town, fearful that Poole will be the death of him. But he refuses to back down. I'll not be run out of town by Poole. Fighting on behalf of all Irishmen struggling to make it in the new world against bigotry like Poole's, he just can't stand for this hateful man to be victorious. I'll get my revenge. I swear it. This was an ugly fight filled with blood, hate, fists. An epic feud. It was gonna end bad. Narrator: The following year, on a cold winter night, William Poole is drinking at a local watering hole, Stanwix Hall. He doesn't notice when a lone figure walks in. But the other patrons are stunned to see Poole's old rival, John Morrissey. Stanwix Hall was a Nativist leaning place. How dare Morrissey trespass on Poole's territory? He's just asking to have his balls handed to him. Narrator: But this time, Morrissey no longer cares about honor. His hatred is so deep that he'll do anything to destroy his rival. The sudden use of a firearm is completely out of Morrissey's character. He's a man of fists. The use of a gun is murder as opposed to a retaliatory beating. You Irish thug. Don't you have the sense to know when you've been beaten for good and all? I should have killed you years ago when you first showed up at the Empire Club. I wager you wish you had, you son of a bitch. Morrissey's had two experiences with Poole. Aah! This time, he's taking no chances. Poole has to be eliminated by hook or by crook. I'm gonna end this, right here and right now. Narrator: It's February 1855. John Morrissey has just approached his hated enemy, William Poole, in a New York bar. I'm gonna end this, right here and right now. McMillan: Nothing happened. He pulled it again. Twice now, nothing happens. Muldoon: The gun, it must have misfired. Divine intervention. [Laughs] You know? It's like... it's hard to believe. Narrator: Now, Morrissey is unarmed facing his bitter foe in a hostile bar. You're a lucky bstrd, Morrissey. If that gun had gone off, you'd have all the fury of the Bowery Boys come down on your head. You know you can't kill me and live to brag about it. I imagine Morrissey's immediate reaction is, "it's gonna be down to fists." But to his amazement, Bill the Butcher then pulls two carving knives. Knives. Now Bill was in his element. Why don't you fight me like a real man? Take it, you son of a bitch. Suddenly, the tables have turned. There's absolutely no chance of taking him on in a knife fight. Poole's gonna kill him in a knife fight. I'll butcher you like the pig that you are. Narrator: Just then, by blind luck, a few policemen enter the bar. Man: Halt! There'll be no fighting here, boys, or it's the tombs for both of you. If it hadn't have been for the intervention of that policeman, God knows what would have happened. Out. All right, all right. Out. Morrissey's fumin'. This ain't over, Poole. I'll see you soon enough. Narrator: Poole carries on drinking, laughing at his rival's sad attempt at revenge. Kamil: Think of the insult that Poole has just leveled at Morrissey. He looked at the guy who just shot at him and said, "You're lucky. Not me." That's a really powerful statement. Narrator: Outside the bar, an enraged Morrissey runs into two of his comrades, Jim Turner and Lew Baker, and tells them what happened inside. Morrissey, for once, does what he's told and goes home. But Morrissey's men come back in Stanwix Hall. Narrator: And so, on this night, Bill the Butcher is in for yet another surprise. Poole was sitting at the bar, having a drink. In walk a couple of Morrissey's gang, that one of which was Mr. Turner. Poole. We've come to clean up the place. Your butchering days are over. Turner goes to pull his gun out, winds up shooting himself in the arm, then shoots Poole in the leg. As Poole goes down, Baker gets out a gun... [Gunshots] [Poole gasping] ... and shot William Poole twice. Bill? Snell, get the doctor. It's all right. [Groaning, gasping] Baker: Poole must have been infuriated that these Irish had ambushed him and brought guns to a knife fight. Narrator: Poole is carried home, and a doctor is called in. One of the bullets has entered his heart, a wound too serious for the limited surgery of the day. But as he lies there dying, he manages to tell the police who he holds responsible. It was that Irish bstrd John Morrissey who got me. He lingers for 2 weeks before succumbing to his wounds. The final words that he allegedly says were... Good-bye, boys. I die a true American. This is an incredible way to die. This is a powerful slap in the face of every immigrant that has ever come to American shores. I have been killed by the immigrants, but I'm dying a true American. But he was anything but a true American. I mean, this was a racist, bigotist scumbag. And John Morrissey is a much better person. Poole deserves to die because he's in John Morrissey's way. Narrator: Poole's death is big news throughout the city. As for Poole's accusation, of course, John Morrissey denies any involvement. He and his colleagues, Turner and Baker, are indicted for the murder. But after hung juries, the charges are dropped. In my opinion, William Poole's death is attributable to John Morrissey simply because it was on behalf of Morrissey that Baker and Turner came to face Poole. Narrator: William Poole's funeral is a grand spectacle of Nativist pride, with contingents of police, fire companies, gang members, and politicians. William Poole's funeral was attended by over 100,000 people. That was unheard of. That had never happened before that. The next time it happened after that was for Abraham Lincoln's funeral. Narrator: With William Poole in his grave, the feud between Poole and John Morrissey is finally over. Their gangs, the Irish Dead Rabbits and the Nativist Bowery Boys, will continue to compete for turf and power in bloody street battles. As for John Morrissey, he retires from boxing and from gang warfare but not from politics. In 1866, he gets himself elected to Congress. Kamil: The Victor of all this is John Morrissey. He transforms himself from an uneducated son of a factory worker to a member of the United States Congress. It's respect. It's money. It's recognition for everything that he's achieved in his life. Narrator: When Morrissey dies of pneumonia at the age of 47 in 1878, state offices are closed and flags fly at half-staff. By the time he dies, the Irish are still not fully accepted in this country as equals. But it's coming. And that's in part because of how he was able to force their acceptance on America. That fight has often been violent. It's sometimes been ugly. But it has led to a wider sense of who we are as a country. Narrator: While these two men, William Poole and John Morrissey, may now be long gone, the legacy of their blood feud lives on. William Poole, John Morrissey, they represented something that still exists to this very day. There are still huge divides in race, immigration, politics, the one-percenters. Kamil: Throughout this feud, you can see the story line of American individuals struggling to not only survive in this country but to be Americans.	Plan: A: William Poole; Q: Who is the leader of the Bowery Boys? A: New York gang; Q: What is the Bowery Boys? A: clashes; Q: What did William Poole do with John Morrissey? A: bare-knuckle boxer John Morrissey; Q: Who did William Poole clash with? Summary: William Poole, the leader of New York gang the Bowery Boys, clashes with bare-knuckle boxer John Morrissey.
THE MASQUE OF MANDRAGORA BY: LOUIS MARKS Part Four Running time: 24:45 [SCENE_BREAK] HIERONYMOUS: So shall perish all our Earthly enemies. Surround me with a helix of powers, brothers, and none shall overcome us. All has happened as was foretold down the centuries. The waiting, the prayers, the sacrifices. Now, at last, the empire of Mandragora will encompass the Earth, for Demnos is only the servant of Mandragora, and Mandragora is a mighty master of all things. Let the power flood into you, brothers. Tomorrow night we shall witness the last prophecy. As it is written, Mandragora shall swallow the Moon! HIERONYMOUS: Then shall we strike. [SCENE_BREAK] ROSSINI: It is time. Count Federico ordered the execution of these traitors at the end of an hour. SARAH: If he didn't return. ROSSINI: Neither he, nor the sorcerer, nor any of their party have returned from the temple. SARAH: You mean it's an hour already? Doesn't time fly when you're enjoying yourself. ROSSINI: Take them down. GIULIANO: Stay, fellow. Rossini, you call us traitors, but lay one hand on your prince and it's you who are the traitor. ROSSINI: I follow the Count. MARCO: You follow a murderer and a tyrant. It is to the Duke Giuliano you owe allegiance. ROSSINI: Enough! Take them down. The execution block grows dry. MARCO: Infamous filth! GIULIANO: You call yourselves soldiers? Are we to die without a priest? SARAH: Or even a hearty breakfast? DOCTOR: No priest available. Will a Brother do? ROSSINI: What have you done with the Count, sorcerer? DOCTOR: Your Count is dead. GIULIANO: Dead? My uncle? DOCTOR: Yes, in the temple ruins. GIULIANO: How did he die? DOCTOR: Let's say Hieronymous gave him a blank look. ROSSINI: Seize him. Seize him! DOCTOR: Rossini, you don't have any authority to give orders any more. Giuliano is the lawful ruler. GIULIANO: You men, are you with your prince? MARCO: Take him to the block, sire. GIULIANO: No, Marco. Take him away. His fate will be decided later. MARCO: The evil is ended. At last you can rule without fear. DOCTOR: Wrong, Marco, wrong. The evil's only just beginning. Hieronymous and the Brethren remain MARCO: Then destroy them! GIULIANO: What do you think, Doctor? MARCO: You're the prince, the men will rally to you. Lead them to the temple and win your inheritance, sire. DOCTOR: Shush, Marco, Marco. Giuliano, if you go near that temple, you go to your death. GIULIANO: Then what do you suggest? DOCTOR: The Brothers are still absorbing power. Gather together all the men you can, carpenters, stonemasons, soldiers, and block every entrance to the palace. Turn it into a fortress. Because when the Brethren attack, you're going to need one. GIULIANO: I'll explain it all, Marco. We'll see to it at once. SARAH: Barricades aren't going to be enough to stop those Brethren. DOCTOR: Anything to give us time. I need time to think. Anyway, his power isn't complete yet. SARAH: What do you mean? DOCTOR: Well, so far [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: The only helix energy is what we brought with us. SARAH: You mean there's more to come? DOCTOR: Yes, tomorrow night, when Mandragora swallows the Moon. SARAH: Listen, I came here with you, remember? [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: You don't have to use that fifteenth century doubletalk with me. I speaka da pretty good Inglish. DOCTOR: I'm just telling you what he told me. SARAH: Who? DOCTOR: Hieronymous. (quietly) When Mandragora swallows the Moon, that's when they'll strike. SARAH: I know, but what does it mean. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Yes, just about adequate. Pity, another fifty years we could have used Galileo's. SARAH: Where are you going now? [SCENE_BREAK] GIULIANO: Quickly, men, they're needed at the west gate. MARCO: Sire. GIULIANO: Marco, what is it? MARCO: It's begun. GIULIANO: What's begun? MARCO: The Brethren. They're driving people from the town. GIULIANO: Are you sure of this? MARCO: Those who refuse to leave are being destroyed by bolts of fire. They've brought the forces of darkness out of those devilish catacombs. GIULIANO: So, we're isolated now. Just the few of us left in this palace. MARCO: Some of whom are the most precious heads in all Europe. GIULIANO: Do they know what we face? MARCO: I think they have some fear that all is not well. Their personal guards keep close. And the King of Naples asked the reason for all the noise. I sent back word it was in preparation for the masque. GIULIANO: The masque! I'd forgotten the day. Marco, it must be cancelled. MARCO: Would you explain to your peers that your accession cannot be celebrated because of a pagan uprising? GIULIANO: The masque cannot be held, Marco. It's too dangerous. MARCO: I have seen our defences, sire. This palace could be held against an army and the Brothers are not an army, they're a fanatical rabble. GIULIANO: Who can kill with bolts of fire. MARCO: Simple trickery. Hieronymous was always a cunning old fox. And do not forget, my Lord, we have weapons of our own. GIULIANO: I don't know, Marco. MARCO: Giuliano, you're the ruler now, the leader. If you're seen to falter at the first challenge, you may lose everything. There are eyes watching you. There are those who will go from here saying that the Duke of San Martino is weak, ready to be toppled. Better trust to your guards and hold the masque as though all was normal. GIULIANO: Oh, you speak sense as always, dear Marco. But all is not normal, you and I both know it. I'll seek the Doctor's advice. Where is he? MARCO: In Hieronymous' room. He's been there since this morning. But what he does there, I know not. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Astrolabe, Sarah. SARAH: Hmm? DOCTOR: Astrolabe. SARAH: What? DOCTOR: Medieval sextant. Come on. SARAH: All right. What are you trying to do? DOCTOR: I'm trying to make this thing work exactly. Roughly won't do at all. Unfortunately, the alidade's almost a whole degree out. Compensate for error and convert to the Copernican system. DOCTOR: Seventeen from sixty. SARAH: Forty three. DOCTOR: I've got it. SARAH: Well? DOCTOR: Forty three minutes and eight seconds past nine. SARAH: What? DOCTOR: Mandragora swallows the Moon. In other words, a lunar eclipse. SARAH: And that's when the Brethren will attack. DOCTOR: Yes. More important, it's when all this could become man's only science. SARAH: Astrology? You mean when Mars in in the House of the Ram and all that nonsense? DOCTOR: Nonsense? It isn't nonsense, miss. Just you remember what Hieronymous did to you. Mandragora doesn't conquer in the physical sense. It dominates and controls by Helix energy, astral force. It takes away from man the only thing worth having. SARAH: Which is? DOCTOR: Well, a sense of purpose, what else? The ability granted to every intelligent species to shape its own destiny. Once let Mandragora gain control, and man's ambition wouldn't stretch beyond the next meal. It'll turn you into sheep. Idle, mindless, useless sheep. SARAH: Yes, all right. All right, I'm convinced. But what can we do? GIULIANO: Doctor, I must speak SARAH: Shush. It's all right, he's only thinking. GIULIANO: Thinking? SARAH: I think. GIULIANO: I wanted to ask his advice. DOCTOR: All or nothing. I'll have to risk it. GIULIANO: Doctor DOCTOR: Hello, it's nice to see you. Listen, if it's ionised plasma, it's molecular and by now must be spread pretty thinly among Hieronymous and the Brethren. Exhaust it. Exhaust it, that's the answer. GIULIANO: Doctor, I have a question. DOCTOR: Could you get me one of these and a length of wire? GIULIANO: What, wire? DOCTOR: Yes, wire. It must be at least a hundred and fifty years since wire-drawing machines were invented. There must be some about the place? GIULIANO: Well, if you spoke to the palace armourer DOCTOR: Good idea, I'll do that. What was your question? GIULIANO: I wanted to ask you about the masque tonight. Everything's arranged, but it could still be cancelled if you DOCTOR: You're going to hold a dance? GIULIANO: Well, only if you don't think it's too dangerous. DOCTOR: Dangerous? My dear Duke, you've got lots of guests to entertain. Of course you must hold a hop. Sarah will love it. Ask her. SARAH: Oh yes, just my scene. DOCTOR: And Giuliano, save me a costume. I love a knees-up. [SCENE_BREAK] PRIEST: The town is empty, great one. Not a living creature larger than a cat remains within the walls. HIERONYMOUS: It is well. The hour approaches fast. PRIEST: What is your plan, great one? HIERONYMOUS: The plan of Mandragora. I am but a vessel for those who hold dominion over the cosmos. PRIEST: The mighty sky gods. What would they have us do, Master? HIERONYMOUS: This time and place were well chosen. Assembled in the palace are many scholars, many rulers and nobles. Tonight they are to be destroyed. All of them. In this way shall be established the power and supremacy of those masters we serve. PRIEST: The Duke has deployed many soldiers. All the entrances to the palace are fortified and heavily guarded, Master. HIERONYMOUS: There is still an entrance they know nothing of. Bring me ten of the Brethren. I will take them to the place. Tonight there is a masque in the Duke's honour. We will provide the entertainers. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Good. Now the coat. I don't want this to show. Thank you. DOCTOR: How do I look? SARAH: Putting on weight, are you? What's that in aid of? DOCTOR: A little plan. Leave the wire. SARAH: Giuliano sent you these to choose from. DOCTOR: That looks as if it would be very becoming, eh? SARAH: Well, I think it's ridiculous talking about fancy dress. I mean, we're in such terrible danger. SARAH: Oh, stop being so silly. DOCTOR: Remember the French at Agincourt. SARAH: But they lost. You know, the worse the situation, the worse your jokes get. DOCTOR: I think I'll settle for the lion. SARAH: Things are bad, aren't they? DOCTOR: Yes. SARAH: Very bad? DOCTOR: Desperately bad, but we can only do our best and hope. You coming? SARAH: Yep. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Marco, is Leonardo among that lot? MARCO: Those are the entertainers. DOCTOR: I don't think I'm ever going to meet Leonardo. Will you open up the dungeon entrance, please? MARCO: I'll see to it at once, Doctor. DOCTOR: Thank you. Sarah? I want you to stay here and keep an eye on this lot. SARAH: What? What for? DOCTOR: A Time Lord has to do what a Time Lord has to do. Besides, you're not equipped. SARAH: But you said it was dangerous. DOCTOR: Did I? Oh, yes. SARAH: Well, is it dangerous? DOCTOR: Well, only if I guess wrong, and then it's fatal. SARAH: Oh! Look, I wish you'd stop giving me flip answers. DOCTOR: All right, listen. Negatively charged high energy particles follow magnetic lines of force, yes? SARAH: Yes. DOCTOR: Therefore, if I've guessed correctly about the nature of Helix energy, I should be able to drain it off. SARAH: But what if you've guessed wrong? DOCTOR: When did I ever guess wrong about anything? SARAH: (quietly) Lots of times. [SCENE_BREAK] PRIEST: The masque has begun. Shall I order our brothers to surround the palace, Master? HIERONYMOUS: Yes. Kill all who try to escape. PRIEST: The others are inside. HIERONYMOUS: Concealed from prying eyes. They await only my signal. PRIEST: Glory to Demnos. HIERONYMOUS: And to Mandragora. [SCENE_BREAK] MARCO: Sire. GIULIANO: Marco, what is it? MARCO: I've had a report from the guards. The Brethren. GIULIANO: What of them? MARCO: They're all around the palace. It's as though they're waiting for something. GIULIANO: What could it be? A signal? MARCO: Perhaps. They're just standing silently, in the shadows. GIULIANO: Is Hieronymous with them? MARCO: He's not been seen, my lord. GIULIANO: I don't like it, Marco. Even our guests sense that something's wrong. MARCO: It'll be a very good night, sire. Our walls are thick and solid, and our guards well trained. A match for any in the land. At least we have your uncle to thank for that. GIULIANO: So you think we have nothing to fear? MARCO: I think by dawn Hieronymous and his followers will have realised their mistake, and they will leave San Martino to search for easier pickings elsewhere. If needs be, sire, we can hold out here for a month. And long before that, the armies of neighbouring states will have come to our aid. SARAH: (quietly) Have you seen the Doctor? GIULIANO: No. SARAH: What's keeping him? He's been gone for ages. MARCO: It was gone eight of the evening when I told the guard. SARAH: All this waiting, not knowing what's happening to him. It's worse than being with him. SARAH: Oh, me? [SCENE_BREAK] HIERONYMOUS: You profane the sacred stone. DOCTOR: Hello, there. Had a hard day in the catacombs, have you? HIERONYMOUS: You profane the sacred stone! DOCTOR: Oh, come off it, Hieronymous. You know who I am. You can drop all that bosh about sacred stones and profanity. Just be your natural horrid self. HIERONYMOUS: Why have you come here, Time Lord? DOCTOR: Would you believe it? I had no choice. HIERONYMOUS: Had it not been you, there would have been other travellers drawn into Mandragora Helix. Earth had to be possessed. Unchecked, man's curiosity might lead him away from this planet until ultimately the galaxy might not contain him, and we of Mandragora will not allow a rival power within our domain. DOCTOR: Well, you see, that's a great pity because I can't allow you to interfere with Earth's progress. HIERONYMOUS: You arrogant dolt! How dare you oppose the might of Mandragora! DOCTOR: It's part of a Time Lord's job to insist on justice for all species. HIERONYMOUS: Then you will be swept aside like the dirt that you are. Die, Doctor. DOCTOR: Time Lords don't die that easily, Hieronymous. HIERONYMOUS: I shall crush you! HIERONYMOUS: Now die. Now! DOCTOR: Come on, Hieronymous. You can do better than that. Come on, Heironymous. HIERONYMOUS: Mandragora, help me! DOCTOR: Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: No sign of the Doctor? GIULIANO: Not yet. SARAH: Well something must have happened to him. GIULIANO: Maybe he's hear already, wearing his costume. SARAH: No, he'd have let us know. Doctor! SARAH: Doctor, what happened? Where've you been? Oh, stop playing the fool and tell me what happened? Doctor? It is you? HEIRONYMOUS: Stop! Stop, brothers. The final sacrifice must be made in our temple. Bring the victims of Mandragora down. GIULIANO: The Brethren. We've been tricked, betrayed! FIGURE: Silence! Take them below. [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: The eclipse! Look, it's beginning. HIERONYMOUS: Now Mandragora swallows the Moon. Now, as it was written, the power of Mandragora will flood the Earth. Mandragora, we your servants welcome you. Bestow your power upon us that we may rule over the whole of your dominion. SARAH: Doctor! DOCTOR: Well, I thought that was rather clever. (Hieronymous) A case of energy squared. It puts Mandragora back to square one. (normal) Well, don't just stand there, I'm in the market for congratulations. (Hieronymous) I wouldn't even say no to a salami sandwich. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Goodbye, Giuliano. GIULIANO: Goodbye, Doctor. DOCTOR: This is lovely salami. Thank you. GIULIANO: Oh, it's we who should thank you. Won't you reconsider? DOCTOR: I'm already committed, sorry. GIULIANO: There's so much we could learn from you. DOCTOR: It'll all come in time. Keep an open mind. That's the secret. SARAH: Goodbye, Giuliano. DOCTOR: Come on, Sarah. SARAH: Oh! Coming. Hey, thanks for inviting me to the ball. Smashing. SARAH: Hey, what did you think of Leonardo? DOCTOR: Leonardo? Leonardo who? SARAH: Leonardo da Vinci. DOCTOR: Oh, that Leonardo. No, I didn't get to see him. Good thing, too. SARAH: Oh? Why? DOCTOR: Well, his submarine design wasn't exactly practical, you know. SARAH: Oh, poor Giuliano. He looked so wistful. DOCTOR: Yes. SARAH: Will he have any more trouble from Mandragora? DOCTOR: No, he won't, but the Earth will. Their constellation will be in position to try again in about five hundred years. SARAH: Five hundred years. That takes us to just about the end of the twentieth century. DOCTOR: That's right. Now that was an interesting century. SARAH: What do you mean, was? DOCTOR: Come on.	Plan: A: complete control; Q: What has Mandragora taken over the brethren? A: a way; Q: What does the Doctor try to find to drain off the Mandragora energy on Earth? A: Giuliano's masque; Q: Where are the guests at when the Doctor tries to drain off the Mandragora energy? Summary: With Mandragora having taken complete control of the brethren, the Doctor tries to find a way to drain off the Mandragora energy on Earth before it wipes out the guests at Giuliano's masque.
[Scene: Manor. Foyer. Phoebe is there checking her makeup in a compact mirror. Prue walks in holding a bowl of candy. She places it on the foyer table. Piper and Leo walk down the stairs. They are all dressed up in costumes for Halloween. Phoebe is Elvira, the mistress of the dark, wearing a black dress and a black wig. Prue is wearing a black dress and a long black wig with butterflies pinned to it. And Piper is dressed a Glenda, the good witch from the Wizard of Oz, wearing a blonde wig and a pink fluffy dress. Leo is dressed in his old World War II army uniform.] Piper: Alright, people, let's go. I was supposed to be at the club a half an hour ago. Prue: (to Piper) Hey, are you a good witch or a bad witch? Piper: I'm going to be a very good witch from now on. Prue: And you picked a role model that wears lots and lots of pink? Piper: Yes. Leo: Glenda helped innocents didn't she? Piper: Yes. Phoebe: You had the answer all along? That's not help, that's mind games. Piper: I'm not gonna let you spoil my new attitude, I'm gonna celebrate witches holiday with enthusiasm. Phoebe: The only problem is you never really know what you're celebrating when you celebrate Halloween. Piper: Details. Where's Darryl? Prue: He is in the kitchen on the phone. (Piper and Leo head for the kitchen but stop when Phoebe starts talking.) Phoebe: (holding up a cardboard cutout) Hooked nosed hags riding broomsticks. That's what we're celebrating. Personally I am offended by the representation of witches and popular culture. Piper: Right, which is why you're dressed as the mistress of the dark. Phoebe: This costume happens to be a protest statement. Prue: I am so impressed that you can make a protest statement and show cleavage all at the same time. Phoebe: Thanks. Prue: Amazing. Piper: Let's go. [Cut to the kitchen. Darryl is there talking on the phone. He is wearing his police academy uniform. Everyone walks in.] Piper: Alright, Inspector, put down the phone and nobody gets hurt. Darryl: (into the phone) Yeah, sweetie, I gotta go. Give your folks my love, okay? I miss you guys. (He hangs up.) Piper: Nice costume. (Piper scoops some popcorn into a bowl.) Darryl: Yeah, it's from my rookie days. Still fits. Leo: Yeah, mine too. (Darryl look at Leo.) Darryl: You're not from World War II. (silence) Who are you? Prue: Uh, I will explain on the way. (She eats some popcorn.) So in the meantime we can just stick together since we are both dateless. Piper: He's not dateless, he's married, you're dateless 'cause you're picky. Prue: No, I'm not settling, alright, the perfect guy is out there, a real man, and I will find him, trust me. Piper: Mmm hmm. And they're gonna love the popcorn and caramel in your teeth too. (Prue picks her teeth with her fingernail.) Alright, Darryl, let's go, somebody get something. (They all grab plates of food.) Phoebe: Um, we can't leave yet we have to wait for Cole. Darryl: Cole Turner? The ADA? You're dating him? Phoebe: Uh, no, I just sort of invited him to go along with us. It wasn't set in stone or anything so something must've come up. [Scene: In the streets. Children are trick or treating. Two grimlocks walk past a kid. He runs after them.] Kid: Hey, hey, cool costumes, dudes. (The grimlock holds out his hand and a blue swirling light surrounds the kid's eyes. Cole appears.) Cole: What the hell are you doing? Grimlock #1: Belthazor? Cole: Ah-ah-ah-ah. I use the name Cole here. Let him go. (He does so and the kid runs off.) Grimlock #1: We don't need him, not to get the Charmed Ones. Cole: My next question, didn't they already get you two years ago? Grimlock #2: Yeah, but it's Halloween. When the veil between worlds thin. When the demons that know how can return to seek their revenge. Cole: I know. Which is why I have a different plan for the witches. One that doesn't include you. One that's been approved by the triad. Grimlock #1: We don't answer to anyone anymore. We're dead. Cole: There's dead... and there's dead. Fine, I'll just move up my timetable. (He disappears.) Grimlock #1: I've always hated that demon. Grimlock #2: Nice costume though. [Scene: Manor. Prue, Piper and Phoebe walk into the foyer.] Prue: Ooh-ooh, I wanna picture of all of us first but I have to get my broomstick. Phoebe: Cliché! (Prue goes into the other room. The doorbell rings.) Piper: Come on, guys, hurry up. (Phoebe answers the door. The grimlocks are standing there.) Grimlock #1: Trick or treat? Phoebe: Oh my god, that is so weird. They look just like the grim-- whoa! (Phoebe and Piper run but stop when the grimlocks start to strangle them.) [Cut to the kitchen. The Whitelighters call Leo.] Leo: Uh-oh. Darryl: Uh-oh, what? Leo: Piper? (He and Darryl run into the foyer.) Prue? Phoebe? (Prue runs in.) Prue: Oh! (Prue uses her power and the grimlocks fly into the living room.) Phoebe: Didn't we vanquish them already? Leo: I don't know, but that's not what I wanted to warn you about. Prue: What do you mean? (A vortex opens behind them.) Leo: That's what I wanted to warn you about. Prue: Oh. (The grimlocks come back into the foyer.) Phoebe: Oh, look out. (Piper freezes them.) Piper: Leo, what the hell is... (Prue, Piper and Phoebe get sucked into the vortex. It closes and their wigs fall to the ground.) Leo: Wait! They don't know what's happening. Darryl: This isn't good, right? Opening Credits [Scene: 1670. The vortex opens in a field and Prue, Piper and Phoebe appear. They are standing near a witch's altar.] Prue: Is everybody okay? Phoebe: Too soon to tell. Piper: Did the grimlocks do this? Prue: Uh, unless we're dead and this is the here after, I don't think so. Phoebe: Eternally Elvira, yecch. Prue: Alright, uh, so this sorta looks like an altar. Piper: A witch's altar. What's going on? (About 10-15 witch hunters on horses and foot run towards them.) Man #1: There they are! Man #2: Kill the witches! Phoebe: Oh, you had to ask. Piper: Not good, not good, not good. (They run into the bushes.) Flee! We're not in Kansas anymore. Man #3: Come on! (Prue, Piper and Phoebe hide behind a bush and watch the witch hunters search around for them.) Piper: Don't tell me we've time traveled again. I hate time traveling. Phoebe: You do? I was burnt at the stake last time, remember? Prue: Alright, let's try and make sure that doesn't happen again. From what they're wearing it looks to be, what, 16-1700's? Phoebe: Where the life expectancy of the average witch is, what, fifteen minutes? (Someone rustles a bush behind them. They gasp and turn around to see a witch hunter standing there.) Man #4: Find anything, Micah? (He stares at Prue. Piper gets ready to freeze him but Prue grabs her wrist.) Micah: No, nothing here. Ride on. Man #4: Ride on, men. (He puts his index finger to his lips.) Micah: Shh... (He runs off.) Piper: Hi. Why didn't you let me freeze him? Prue: I don't know, there was just something... (Once the witch hunters have gone, they walk out of the bushes.) Piper: You know what? I don't care why we're here or how we got here, I just wanna get home. I've got a life to live and decorations to hang, so where's the damn vortex? Prue: I don't know where the... (Someone puts bags over their heads. They scream.) [Scene: 2000. Manor. The grimlocks are still frozen. Darryl is looking at them. Leo is looking around where the vortex appeared.] Darryl: First demons I've ever seen. Actually, except for that blonde with the funky snake tongue thingy. What are they? Leo: I don't know. Darryl: Then how do you know they didn't make the girls disappear? Leo: Because this is different. This is a time portal that my bosses sent them through, which is closed now, damn it. Darryl: Who are you? Leo: I'm their... never mind, it's too complicated. I gotta get you out of here before they unfreeze. Darryl: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold it. I'm not going anywhere. Leo: Look, I don't have time to argue. I've gotta figure out a way to get rid of these demons before the girls return, otherwise they're gonna be sitting ducks. Darryl: Are you sure they're coming back? Leo: They better be. They've gotta do it before Halloween ends too, which means... Darryl: Which means you're gonna need my help. Leo: You don't know what you're up against here. Darryl: The problem is neither do you, which means you're gonna need a cop around to help you figure it out. They're like sisters to me, Leo. Leo: Alright. Phoebe said that she thought they had vanquished these demons before, so the first thing we have to do is... (The grimlocks unfreeze.) Run. (Darryl and Leo run up the stairs. Darryl stops and shoots them with his gun. Green goo oozes out of them and they fall on the ground.) Come on, let's go. Grimlock #1: At least we can't die. Grimlock #2: They can. Grimlock #1: We have to figure out where the witches went. Grimlock #2: We know where they went. Cole got them. But if he fails, they'll be back and they'll be in our way. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: 1670. In a cave. Prue, Piper, Phoebe and some women are there. The women pull the bags off their heads. A woman (Eva) curtseys in front of them.] Eva: Blessed be. (The girls look confused.) Our powers have been answered. We need your help. Prue: Excuse me? Eva: Forgive me for the manner in which you were brought here, but we had to make sure you were who we has sent for. This doorway would've told us if you were evil. (She points to any opening in the cave.) Piper: Huh, where can we get one of those? Prue: Alright, wait, uh, who do you think we are? Eva: The most powerful witches of all time, of course. Phoebe: Okay, lucky guess. Prue: And you are? Eva: I am Eva. A midwife, a witch, a free citizen of the colony of Virginia. These good women are my coven. (to the women) Come. Now we don't have much time. (The women hand Prue, Piper and Phoebe a dress each.) No one can suspect that you've come to us from the future. Witches must not have to hide in your time. What year are you from? Piper: Uh, 2000. Phoebe: What year is it now? Eva: 1670. Phoebe: Oh. Prue: Uh, alright, so why do you need our help? Eva: To save a magical baby who's prophesied to be born tonight. Piper: Save it from who? Eva: A dark practitioner. She kidnapped the baby's mother in hopes of raising the child evil. If that happens, good magic will never flourish in the new world. You must rescue Charlotte so that you can bring her here and we can deliver her baby with our own protective circle. Piper: Wait a minute, you have the power to bring us through time but you don't have the power to set her free yourself? Eva: Well, we cast spells to prepare your way of course, but we know it was the power of All Hallows Eve that brought you here. Not us. Prue: All Hallows Eve? Eva: A witch's most sacred day. The day when the source of all magic can be tapped into. How can you not know about All Hallows Eve? Phoebe: It isn't what it used to be. Piper: Wait a minute, uh, you can tap into that power to send us home, right? Eva: W-we assumed you could. Piper: They assumed you could. Prue: Um, okay, well, uh, Piper, I have an idea. So what time is it? (She looks at her watch.) Piper: It's 2:15. (Eva looks at her watch.) Eva: Oh, you've made a big clock so small. You must possess great magic. Piper: Just a good credit card. Prue: Okay, um, excuse us for a minute. Talk. (They walk away.) Alright, I think that I have this figured out. I think that they sent us here and that's what Leo was trying to tell us. Piper: Oh, leave it to them to zap first and give instructions never. Prue: Alright, but if I'm right, the only way that they are going to let us go home is if we bring that baby back here by midnight. Alright, uh, Eva, do you have a plan? Eva: Yes. (She holds up a small bottle.) This vial holds a potion which will put the men who guard the house to sleep. (She hands it to Piper.) Then you'll use your powers to bring the mother back here. Piper: Ha, easy for her to say. (Piper gives the potion to Prue.) [Scene: At a village. Prue, Piper, Phoebe and Eva walk out of the bush. They are wearing dresses and a cape.] Eva: We must be careful. Phoebe: It looks like they're having a party. Eva: It's the kidnapper, Ruth Cobb. She's doing it, pretending to mock All Hallow's Eve but I know better. She's really doing it to tap into the powers of dark magic. (They see witch hunters near by.) Piper: Looks like our welcoming committee. Phoebe: Witch hunters. Eva: Hunters of good witches maybe. If they work for Ruth, they're after us. (Prue sees Micah nearby.) Prue: Not all of them. (Phoebe looks at Prue.) Phoebe: Hmm. (They walk closer to the village.) Eva: Beware the talismans. (She points to the talismans hanging on the tree.) They've barred our way each time we try to rescue Charlotte. Phoebe: Oh, honey, those don't really pack much of a punch where we come from. (They walk forward.) Eva: No, you don't realize (A bright light shines out of the talisman and they fly backwards. A bell rings and the village people start yelling and running around.) Phoebe: Ooh, what the hell was that? (Eva helps them up.) Piper: Talismans? Prue: No way talisman's have that much power. Eva: They never have before. Ruth's using the magic of All Hallow's Eve. (Guards gallop towards them on their horses.) Guards! Prue: Alright, I've got him. I've got him. (She uses her power but nothing happens.) Uh Phoebe: What just happened? What's the matter? Prue: I don't know. (She tries again.) Piper? (Piper tries to freeze them but it doesn't work. The guard shoots at them and they scream. Piper continues to try and freeze them but it still doesn't work.) Eva: Use your powers. Prue: We don't have any. Eva: What? Phoebe: Run! (A guard shoots at them again and hits Eva in the arm. She yells in pain. They run into the bushes.) [Cut to inside Ruth's house. Ruth is looking out the window watching. She walks over to Charlotte who's in bed and is in pain.] Ruth: It appears that your witch friend has brought others to try and rescue you again. Unfortunately, she's been wounded. (Charlotte groans in pain.) Oh, easy now, Charlotte. We wouldn't want anything bad to happen to your baby now, would we? Charlotte: I won't let you have my baby. Ruth: Oh, you won't have a choice. Especially since somebody very special has recently arrived to ensure it. (She walks into another room. There is a man standing in a dark corner.) Man: How much longer, Ruth? Ruth: Soon. By nightfall perhaps. You imbued the talismans with great power. Care to share your secrets? Who are you? Where'd you come from? Pray tell. (The man walks into the light. It's Cole but with shoulder-length hair.) Cole: I come from the future to change it. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: A cave. Eva is holding a cloth against her would.] Prue: Eva, we're sorry, we didn't know that our powers Eva: Just leave us. Just go back to wherever it is you came from. We asked for the most powerful witches of all time and instead, we get powerless frauds. Phoebe: Um, okay, I know you're a little disappointed but frauds is a little harsh don't you think? Piper: We do have powers, we just, or at least, we had them. We just can't access them right now. Prue: Maybe that's because technically we don't really exist yet, so neither do our powers. Eva: Protecting this baby is my destiny. How can we come this far just to fail? Phoebe: We're asking ourselves the same thing. (A woman walks over to Eva and hands her a folded piece of paper.) Woman: Bite down. (Eva puts the paper between her teeth. Another woman gets a poker out of the fire. Piper stops her.) Piper: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing? Woman: Cauterizing her wound. Piper: No, no, no, no, no. We may not have powers but we do have basics. Just get some hot water and some soap and some clean cloths. (Eva nods.) Hurry. (The women walk away.) Prue: Eva, don't give up on us yet, alright, I know that we can help. Phoebe: Yeah. We have been through tougher jams than this before. Piper: We have? Phoebe: Haven't we? Prue: We were born witches. That makes us innately magical. Maybe you can just teach us how to tap into it. Eva: There's not enough time. Phoebe: We're quick studies. [Scene: 2000. Manor. Leo is looking through the Book Of Shadows. Darryl is walking around holding his gun.] Leo: I keep telling you that thing's not gonna work on them. Darryl: Maybe not, but it makes them think twice about it. Otherwise they would've blasted in on us by now. That, plus it's the only thing we got. Leo: Well, maybe not. I think I found out who they are. (reading from the book) Grimlocks - Underground demons who are sensitive to light and steal children's sight so they can see the aura that surrounds good people and strangle them with it. Darryl: That snake tongued blonde's looking better and better. Leo: At least there's a vanquishing potion here. (Darryl walks near the door and the Grimlocks start strangling him through the key hole.) [Cut inside the attic. Darryl drops his gun and starts to cough.] Leo: Darryl. (The Grimlocks barge in. Leo orbs out and orbs back in beside Darryl. He grabs Darryl and they orb out.) [Cut to the kitchen. Leo and Darryl orb in. Darryl continues coughing.] Leo: Told you you didn't know what you're up against. Darryl: Who are you? Leo: Come on, we've got a potion to cook up. [Scene: 1670. Ruth's house. Ruth is laying out tarot cards in front of her. Charlotte groans in pain.] Ruth: Her contractions are coming closer together. (Cole soaks a cloth is a bowl of water.) It won't be long now. (Cole walks over to Charlotte with the wet cloth and reaches out to her.) Charlotte: Don't touch me. Cole: There's no need for you to be anymore uncomfortable then you have to be. Charlotte: Really? Then let me go. I beg you. Cole: Even if I could, it wouldn't help. Another would be sent to take you right back. (Ruth gasps.) What? What do you see? (He walks back over to her.) Ruth: A force of great good, from your time. Here, for the baby as well. Cole: Three of them. I'm not surprised my traveling here undoubtedly alerted the other side. Ruth: But this new force... Cole: If, it's who I think it is, I can handle them. You just make sure she stays here through midnight. [Scene: Cave. Eva hands Prue, Piper and Phoebe some small dolls made out of wheat.] Eva: Here. Piper: Dolls? We tap into our powers with dolls? Eva: It's not just a doll. It's a totem. Reminds us of the wisdom and the power of women. Phoebe: Okay, but what does is have to do with... Eva: The witch's journey is a walk of wisdom collected over the years, Phoebe. (She cuts an apple in half.) Wisdom gives us power. Power frightens the fearful and the ignorant. Prue: Well, that would certainly explain why in out time witches are made to look silly on Halloween. Eva: And this magic, this knowledge is forgotten? Phoebe: We could get it back if you teach us. Eva: Here. (She picks up a witch's hat.) The conical hat is a spiritual point. (She places it on Phoebe's head.) It helps us to channel our magic. Keeps us centered, focused. The apple holds a pentacle in its heart. (She holds up half an apple.) Add a laurel leaf, you will block the path of evil. (She places a leaf over the centre of the apple.) Prue: A simple laurel leaf? Eva: Simple, but powerful. Remember, there is magic all around you, especially on this night. Piper: Uh, what's with the masks? Eva: Demons walk freely on All Hallows Eve, so a mask allows you to hide your identity. (She hands a mask to Piper.) Walk amongst them. Phoebe: (to a woman holding a broom) Can I see that? (The woman hands her the broom.) Okay, now don't tell me we ride around on this thing. Eva: Anything's possible. Here. The broom's traditional purpose is to sweep evil from your path. Sweep east to west. (Phoebe sweeps east to west.) Same path as the sun travels. Like anything else in magic, it's how you do it, with knowledge and reverence. Phoebe: Wow, do I feel silly. (She giggles. She gets a shock from the broom.) Ah! Piper: What happened? Phoebe: Nothing. Must have been just a spark. Eva: No, you felt the power. Alright, Sally will go with you to Ruth's house. She'll give you the last few things you'll need. I wish I could go with you. Prue: We'll do great. You've armed us well. Eva: Remember, connect with the power of this day. [Scene: Village. Cole is at the party. Ruth walks up to him.] Ruth: Will you know what they look like? Cole: What are you doing here? I told you to stay at the house. Ruth: The house is guarded by men and magic. Charlotte's not going anywhere. Cole: I've seen the future, Ruth. Your ignorance is your destiny. (He puts on a mask.) [Cut to Prue, Piper, Phoebe and Sally. They are walking to the village. Sally is giving them some witch tools.] Sally: Charlotte should be in the first bedroom at the top of the stairs. Be careful, Ruth's guards are everywhere. If they see you with these tools, they'll know you as witches. Prue: Don't worry, we won't fail this time. Sally: I know you won't. Which of you will be standing guard for the others? Piper: Phoebe. Sally: If need be, this will turn away evil spirits. (She hands Phoebe a small pumpkin with a star carved out of it.) Perhaps even a demon you think Ruth's summoned. Phoebe: Um, you're kidding, right? (Sally stares at her.) Okay, you're not kidding. (She puts the pumpkin in her cape pocket.) Sally: Blessed be. Good luck. (She walks away.) Prue: Alright. (They put on their masks.) Trick or treat. Piper: Oh boy. (They walk into the village. Phoebe heads in a different direction from Prue and Piper.) Man: Care to know your future, milady? Phoebe: Oh, no thanks, I'm pretty familiar with it already. Man: Are you certain? I can show you the first initial of your true love's name. Phoebe: Really? You can do that? Man: With a simple peel of the apple. Cole: Prove it. (Cole walks up to them.) Phoebe: And why would you be interested, sir? Cole: And why wouldn't you be? (Silence.) Phoebe: Okay, how do I do it? Man: First, (he peels an apple) you must fill your heart, only thoughts of love. Then close your eyes and blow on the peel. (She does so.) Drop the peel into the water and watch. (He drops the peel into a bucket of water.) Phoebe: And how is it that apple knows this big secret? Cole: It's simple, milady. Apples are the fruit of knowledge. (The apple forms a C shape.) Man: It is C. The name of your true love begins with a C. Phoebe: Cole. (Cole looks at her. Someone walks past Phoebe and bumps her. She drops the pumpkin. Ruth, who is standing near by, sees it. She points at Phoebe.) Ruth: Witch! Cole: No. (Micah runs over to Phoebe and searches her pockets.) Piper: Uh-oh. Prue: Phoebe. (They run over to her.) Ruth: Those two as well. (Witch hunters grab Prue and Piper.) Ruth: (to Cole) There's your three. (Village people yell "hang the witches".) Hang them! Hang them all! Micah: My pleasure. (Micah stares at Prue. Cole watches them get taken away.) [Scene: Field. Prue, Piper and Phoebe are sitting on three horses under a tree with a noose around their neck. The witch hunters are there watching.] Piper: Tell me this isn't happening. (Micah rides up next to Prue. Cole is near by on his horse.) Micah: Hang witch. Hyah! (The horses run out from underneath them and they are hung.) Onward. (The witch hunters quickly ride away.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Continued from before. Prue, Piper and Phoebe are still hanging there. Micah rides back, looks around and cuts the rope with his knife. They fall to the ground and groan in pain.] Micah: My apologies. (He cuts the ropes around their hands.) A trick I learned from the French. Run the noose line to the waist. Phoebe: Yeah, well, it's a really good thing the other guards didn't see you do that. (They stand up.) Piper: Wait a minute, I don't understand. How did you know you could trust him? Prue: By the look in his eyes. Piper: Oh. Phoebe: Uh huh. Prue: So that would be (she removes his mask) the second time that you've saved our necks. Micah: And what beautiful necks they are. (He kisses her hand.) I'm Micah. Prue: I'm charmed. Phoebe: Alright, I hate to bust up the balcony scene, Romeo, but why do you keep saving us and why are you running with the witch hunters? Micah: So I can undo their work whenever possible. I've seen what dark magic can do. If you're fighting that, I'm on your side. And I should get back before anyone gets suspicious. (Prue kisses him on the cheek.) Prue: Thank you. Micah: Another time. (He rides off.) Prue: Who was that masked man? Phoebe: Okay, you finally found a real man. Too bad he lives in Colonial Virginia, Prue. Piper: We need to get out of here. Pay attention. Phoebe: Okay, any idea how we're going to save the baby? Piper: Well, they think we're dead now. They certainly aren't expecting us. Prue: I mean, besides you guys, we're witches and it's All Hallows Eve, so... Piper: Alright, glow elsewhere. Prue: Alright. [Scene: 2000. Manor. Kitchen. Leo's making the vanquishing potion. He takes the wooden spoon out of the saucepan and smells it.] Leo: We need more thyme. (Darryl looks at his watch.) Darryl: Can't help you there, buddy, it's almost nightfall. Leo: No, I'm talking about an herb. It's for the potion. It's, uh, over there. (Darryl picks up a plate.) Darryl: Thyme, right? Leo: Yeah. (He hands it to Leo.) Darryl: You think they know what we're doing in here? Leo: Probably. It explains why they haven't burst in on us yet. (The doorbell rings.) Darryl: Trick or treaters. Leo: Or a trap. Darryl: Didn't you say those things steal kids sight? (He nods. Darryl starts to leave.) Leo: No, I should go, I can orb. Darryl: Which might be exactly what they're waiting for. Stay here, finish that potion. No matter what happens, you make sure you bring the girls home safe. Whoever you are. (He walks out of the kitchen.) [Cut to the porch. There are three trick or treaters there. Darryl opens the door.] Trick or Treaters: Trick or treat. Darryl: Spread the word. (He gives them a bowl of candy.) We're out of candy. (He shuts the door.) [Cut to inside. Darryl peeks into the living room and looks around. He turns around and a Grimlock is standing there. It punches him and he falls to the floor. Grimlock #2 steals his sight. He feels around the floor and finds the button for Prue's camera. He pushes it and the flash goes off. He runs out of the room.] [Scene: 1670. Outside the village. Piper and Phoebe are near the bush. Prue walks up to them.] Prue: I don't see Ruth or the guards. What time is it? (Piper gets her watch out of her pocket.) Piper: It's-it's 6:00. And we're running our of time and magic. Prue: Well, it doesn't change what we have to do. Phoebe: How are we gonna get past the talismans? Prue: Do you remember what Eva said? Phoebe: The powerless frauds part? Prue: No, the magic is all around us part. Well, it's time we learned how to access that. (Prue picks up a broom and hands it to Phoebe.) Just sweep away evil. Phoebe: What? No funny hat? (Piper picks the flowers off a lavender bush.) Piper: Lavender. Didn't she say that was a protection herb? (Prue picks some wheat and starts making a doll.) Prue: And the wisdom of the women before us will guide us again. Piper: Okay, get sweeping. Phoebe: Ugh... (They walk near a house.) Phoebe: Okay, which way is east? Piper: Uh, that way. (She points to east. Phoebe sweeps east to west and the broom lets off some sparks. The broomstick glows.) Phoebe: Whoa, did you see that? Prue: Yeah, keep going. (She continues to sweep and the talismans glow and falls off the trees.) Phoebe: It's working. Prue: Alright, good. (Near by, some witch hunters grab Micah.) Micah. (She starts to walk.) Phoebe: Prue, you can't. Prue: They found him out. Phoebe: We have to get to Charlotte. What would he want you to do? (Prue and Piper go inside the house. They walk over to Charlotte.) Piper: Hi. Charlotte: Who are you? Prue: Eva sent us. Charlotte, we're here to take you back. Charlotte: You're lying. I-I don't believe... (She yells in pain.) Prue: Oh, okay, okay, uh, uh, how does Lamaze breathing go? Piper: Uh... (Piper breathes like they do in Lamaze class.) Prue: Oh, that's it. (Prue does it too. Charlotte yells in pain.) Piper: Okay, okay, okay, um, try this. We can do this. (Piper presses a spot on Charlotte's back with her fingers.) Charlotte: How are you making the pain go away? Piper: Uh, uh, good magic. Just keep breathing. Prue: Good magic? Piper: Acupressure. Prue: Oh, good idea. Alright, uh, we need to get you out of here. Come on, honey, it's okay. (They help Charlotte sit up and she yells in pain. Her water breaks. Prue and Piper jump back.) Oh, oh, her water just broke. Piper: I see that. [Cut to outside. Micah falls on the ground. Cole is standing there holding a dagger. He has just stabbed Micah with it. Ruth runs over to him.] Ruth: Quickly, check the house. Cole: No, I know these witches. (He drops the dagger on the ground.) They've already got Charlotte. Follow me, I know we're they're going. [Cut to the witch's altar. Prue and Piper have a hold of Charlotte's arms, helping her walk.] Phoebe: The altar. Piper: Okay, just a little while longer, we're almost there. Charlotte: I can't. Prue: Yes, you... Charlotte: I'm sorry. Prue: You can do this. Charlotte: No! Prue: Charlotte. Charlotte: The baby's coming now! (She kneels on the ground.) Prue: Oh god. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Altar. It's dark. Charlotte's laying on the ground with a blanket over her.] Piper: Um, it's almost 11:00. Do you think they gave up on us? Phoebe: Uh... (She sees the fire from the witch hunter's torches in the distance.) No, I don't think so. Prue: Alright, what do we have? Piper: We've got big problems, a little time and a little magic. Prue: Alright, didn't Eva say something about, uh, Charlotte giving birth in a protective circle? Phoebe: Can we make one of those? Piper: I don't know, we've got lavender and uh... Phoebe: Isn't rosemary supposed to be good for protection? Prue: Right, and apples and laurel leaves block the path of evil. Phoebe: Right. Prue: Put it all together, it may just work. (Charlotte screams in pain.) Piper: Who's gonna deliver the baby? Phoebe: Personally, I think you should considering we know that you're gonna have one in the future. Prue: I second that. Piper: Wait a minute. Prue: Go. Bye. Piper: I always get the messy jobs. (Piper walks over to Charlotte.) Prue: Alright, if ever there was a time that we were going to connect it needs to be now. So, Phoebe, form a circle, I'll work on the apples. (Phoebe throws things around them in a large circle.) Piper: (to Charlotte) Okay, you're gonna have to try and be kinda quiet. Okay, I know, I'm sorry, okay, um, don't worry everything's under control. (She lifts up the blanket.) Oh my god, I see it, I see it. (Phoebe runs over to them.) Phoebe: Really? Prue: Phoebe, the circle. Phoebe: The circle. (She gets back to the circle.) Piper: Okay, um, just, just try not to push. Okay, uh, this baby is coming! Prue: Yeah, well, so are they. Piper: Okay, we can do this. Yes, we can do this. Phoebe: We have to do this. (Phoebe goes back over to Prue.) Prue: Alright, here. (She hands Phoebe an apple.) Knowledge and reverence. (They face each other.) Prue/Phoebe: Knowledge and reverence, knowledge and reverence, knowledge and reverence, knowledge and reverence. [Cut to Cole and Ruth on their horses. Cole stops riding.] Ruth: What are you doing? Cole: Seeing what they've learned. [Cut back to the girls. The witch hunters get closer.] Phoebe: Here they come. Piper: Prue. Prue: Alright, put it all together, it's gonna work. (They throw the apples in different directions. A protective circle forms around them. One witch hunter hits it like he's hit a wall.) [Cut to Cole and Ruth.] Cole: They've connected. It's over. Ruth: No, not yet. [Cut back to the girls} Phoebe: How cool is that? It actually worked. (The witch hunters fire their guns at them.) Or not! Piper: It doesn't stop bullets. Prue: We are running out of ammo. Phoebe: Prue, it's not like an apple's gonna stop them anyway. (The witch hunters continue shooting.) Piper: It's a girl! (Piper wraps the baby in a blanket.) Prue: Piper, get Charlotte and the baby outta her. Piper: Huh? Phoebe: Okay, I think I have an idea of what might really scare them. (She puts on a witches hat and grabs a broom.) Piper: What are you gonna do? Phoebe: I'm going to embrace the cliché. (She sweeps east to west and then sits on the broom. The broom rises up into the air.) Piper: There's something you don't see everyday. (Phoebe flies over the witch hunters and cackles. They quickly run off. Phoebe giggles.) [Cut to Cole and Ruth.] Cole: You've gotta give them credit. They're awfully good. (He gets off his horse.) It's alright. Time's on my side. (A portal opens in the ground and he jumps in it. It closes.) [Cut back to the girls. Prue and Piper watch Phoebe fly over the moon.] [Scene: Cave. Eva is holding the baby. She walks over to Charlotte and hands her back to her.] Eva: (to Prue, Piper and Phoebe) Blessed be. Prue: Isn't the future beautiful? Eva: It is, thanks to you. You found the power. Phoebe: You showed us where to look. Prue: Yeah, I guess we know when all that flying hag stuff started. You only have yourself to blame, right Pheebs? Phoebe: I know it and I love it. Now if I can just figure out how to take it back with me. Hey, what are "they" waiting for? Why haven't they sent us home yet? Prue: Maybe we haven't learned everything that we're supposed to yet. (Piper looks at her watch.) Piper: Well, it's almost midnight, so if we're gonna learn anything more we'd better hurry. Charlotte: I promise my daughter will know of you. Of the three powerful witches who came to bring her into this world. And we'll always be grateful, won't we Melinda? Piper: Melinda? Charlotte: Yes, Melinda. Melinda Warren. Phoebe: Oh. Charlotte: What is it? Phoebe: I uh... I think we're related. (The vortex opens and the girls get sucked into it.) [Scene: 2000. Manor. The vortex opens. The Grimlocks are waiting there.] Grimlock #1: I told you they'd come. (Leo orbs in behind them.) Leo: Hey. (He splashes the potion on Grimlock #1 and he disappears. Grimlock #2 starts strangling him. He drops the potion. Prue, Piper and Phoebe come out of the vortex.) Prue: Hey, haven't I vanquished you somewhere before? (She uses her power and flicks the puddle onto the Grimlock. He disappears. Piper runs over to Leo.) Leo: Are you guys alright? (Piper helps him up.) Piper: Are we alright? Are you alright? Leo: It's been a long day. Phoebe: Yeah, tell us about it. (Darryl stumbles down the stairs.) Prue: Darryl? Darryl: Prue? Leo: I got it. (He walks over to Darryl.) Open your eyes. (He does so. Leo restores his sight.) Happy Halloween. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: P3. Snake River Conspiracy are playing there. Prue, Piper and Leo are standing at the bar. Phoebe, holding a pumpkin, walks past a guy holding a broom.] Phoebe: Use that broom with reverence. (She walks up to them.) Hey, Halloween is now officially my favourite holiday. (She puts the pumpkin on the bar.) Piper: Who knew? Phoebe: We didn't, but we should have. So much knowledge, so much power that we lost. But we'll get it back. Prue: Okay, well, one crash course at a time. Phoebe: Yeah, it's too bad Darryl didn't feel up to celebrating with us. Leo: He saw a lot today. I think he needs some time to sort it all out. Prue: Yeah, well, so do we. I mean, it's bad enough that the triad wants us dead, but to send someone back to wipe out our whole line. Do your bosses have any clue who it is? Leo: None that they're sharing. Piper: I think it was that guy who was hitting on Phoebe at the party. Phoebe: Hang on, not every guy I meet wants to kill me. Maybe he just liked me. Leo: Well, you saved Melinda. That's all that matters. Piper: And I helped to deliver our great, great, great, great, whatever, great grandmother. Phoebe: Too bad we couldn't save her from moving from Virginia to Salem. That would've been nice. Prue: Yeah, well, you can't change history for better or worse. (A guy that looks like Micah walks up to Prue.) Guy: Excuse me. Hi. Prue: Micah? Guy: Mitch, actually. Forgive my directness but I've been watching you from across the room. Have we met? Prue: You know, that's funny, I was gonna ask you the same thing. Um... (She looks at Phoebe and she and Mitch walk away. Phoebe laughs. Cole walks down the stairs dressed as an angel.) Phoebe: Oh... my turn. (She walks over to him.) Hey. Cole: Hey. Phoebe: I was beginning to think I got stood up. Cole: Yeah, sorry, work, you know. I guess I just lost track of time. Phoebe: That's okay. I got kind of hung up myself. (silence) So you're an angel? Cole: Oh, uh, this? (Phoebe laughs.) No, not really. (Phoebe moves closer to him.) Phoebe: That's okay. Neither am I.	Plan: A: Halloween; Q: What holiday brings back the Grimlocks? A: Eva; Q: What is the name of the coven leader from the 1600s? A: Clare Carey; Q: Who played Eva? A: the sisters; Q: Who is sent back in time to save Charlotte? A: Sadie Stratton; Q: Who played Charlotte? A: her soon-to-be born child; Q: What does Charlotte have to save from Ruth Cobb? A: Ruth Cobb; Q: What is the name of the witch who wants to raise Charlotte's child evil? A: ( Judy Geeson; Q: Who played Ruth Cobb? A: Melinda Warren; Q: What is the name of the child in Charlotte's womb? A: Cole; Q: Who travels back in time to capture Melinda Warren at birth? A: two Grimlocks; Q: Who do Leo and Darryl fight in the present time? A: the Charmed Ones; Q: Who vanquished the Grimlocks in the past? Summary: On Halloween, a local coven leader from the 1600s named Eva ( Clare Carey ), summons the sisters back in time to save a witch named Charlotte (Sadie Stratton) and her soon-to-be born child from an evil witch named Ruth Cobb ( Judy Geeson ), who wants to raise the child evil. It is later revealed that the child in the womb is the sisters' ancestor Melinda Warren and Cole travels back in time to capture her at birth. Meanwhile, back in the present time, Leo and Darryl try to fight off two Grimlocks who were vanquished by the Charmed Ones once before, but were brought back by the power of Halloween.
LUCAS: (v.o) Previously on one Tree Hill [Molina Bridge-Day] (HALEY looks at NATHAN who's about to jump in the river) HALEY: (pleading) NATHAN, DON'T! (NATHAN dive's into the river, head first, HALEY watches) RACHEL: (v.o) I know that you saved my life ... [Tree Hill Memorial Hospital-COOPER's Recovery Room] (NATHAN and RACHEL) (NATHAN looks down) RACHEL: ... and I'm gonna find a way to thank you [Molina Bridge-River-Day] (Limo underwater, NATHAN about to run out of air) NATHAN: (v.o) I swam into the car (swims to roof of limo to gasp for air) and I got trapped ... [Molina Bridge-Night] (NATHAN looks out onto the river, HALEY puts her head on his shoulder) NATHAN: ... (v.o) I didn't save anybody ... [NATHAN and HALEY's Apartment-Living Room] (NATHAN and LUCAS sitting) NATHAN: ... somebody saved me LUCAS: Who? NATHAN: Keith [Department Store parking lot-PEYTON's car-Night] (PEYTON and LUCAS sitting outside store) PEYTON: What'd you say? LUCAS: Keith's dead, Peyton [RACHEL's Bedroom] (BROOKE in her bed, RACHEL on her bed fiddling with camera) RACHEL: The boys in Tree Hill are so boring BROOKE: Isn't there anybody our age you think you could fall for? (close up of RACHEL's camera, NATHAN and HALEY at there wedding, picture is zoomed into NATHAN's face) RACHEL: (v.o) Maybe [Church-NATHAN and HALEY's Wedding-Bridesmaid's Room] (LUCAS and KAREN) (LUCAS holds out a pregnancy test box) LUCAS: Hey, ma? Are you ... pregnant? KAREN: (smiles) Yes, I am [KAREN's Café] (DEB behind counter putting a prescription pill in her mouth almost impatiently) KAREN: (v.o) Deb, you need to get back into Rehab ... [KAREN's Café] (A couple hours later with KAREN and DEB face to face) KAREN: ... or I will dissolve our partnership [The River Court-Basket Ball Court-Day] (SKILLS and LUCAS) SKILLS: I was thinkin' the Ravens could use another shooting guard [The River Court-Parking Lot-Night] (WHITEY, in car, watching SKILLS play, LUCAS with WHITEY) WHITEY: I'm puttin' him on the team LUCAS: (taken back) What mad you decide? WHITEY: (looks at LUCAS) You did [DAN SCOTT Residence-Living Room] (DAN walking up to the wall where the words "Murderer" are painted on his wall) YOUNG KEITH: (v.o) Looks like I'm not the only one who knows you killed me (DAN looks at wall, YOUNG KEITH looks at DAN) DAN: Shut up you little smart-ass ghost [DOCTORS Office] (DOCTOR walks up with a folder) DOCTOR: You're definitely pregnant (Camera moves to a shocked BROOKE who looks at and equally shocked HALEY) LUCAS: (v.o) I was trying to call you [ROE Residence-LUCAS' Bedroom] (LUCAS and BROOKE) BROOKE: You mean when you weren't hanging out with Peyton? [PEYTON's Bedroom] (BROOKE slaps PEYTON cut to PEYTON, teary with red eyes, looking at BROOKE) BROOKE: As far as I'm concerned this friendship is over [ROE Residence-LUCAS' Bedroom] (LUCAS and BROOKE) BROOKE: I feel like I'm hanging onto the two of us for you (LUCAS, looking down sadly, suddenly looks up to look at BROOKE) PEYTON: (v.o) If you've been listening to my podcast ... [PEYTON's Bedroom] (PEYTON's computer screen: one window is of PEYTON sitting on her bed, the other is the recorder recording her voice) PEYTON: ... then you know a lot about me (PEYTON on her bed, turns her head slightly) PEYTON: But did you know I had a brother? [SAWYER Residence-Front porch-Night] (PEYTON is coming home searching for her keys in her purse, she hears a voice on the porch) DEREK: Are you, Peyton? (PEYTON stops suddenly to look at DEREK) DEREK: I guess I'm your brother End of "Previously on" [Breakfast Restaurant] (PEYTON, side profile angle, is wearing cheerleading uniform. She is sitting at a table, smiling, as the camera, from a far angle, looks wobbly like if someone is trying to focus it perfectly on her) LUCAS: (v.o) You ever look at a picture of yourself ... (There's a quick white flash and the screen freezes with PEYTON still smiling not noticing the picture shot) (DEREK, standing outside by a window, holding a picture camera, takes it away from his face, looks at PEYTON, who doesn't notice him, and smiles) LUCAS: (v.o) ... and see a stranger in the background (DEREK walks in restaurant) makes you wonder, how many strangers have pictures of you? (PEYTON looks up when DEREK walks in. In the restaurant are a couple people sitting behind her and a guy, his back facing her, sitting at the table next to her, DEREK walks up to PEYTON and stands in front of her) DEREK: Yeah, I'd figured the first time a cheerleader talks to me, were ... related PEYTON: I haven't actually talked yet DEREK: Well, you just did (PEYTON just stares at him) So this is a lot better than the other day when you ... slammed the door in my face PEYTON: After you hung up on me when I called DEREK: Well, you caught me off guard-- PEYTON: --And you think I was expecting you to show up on my front porch? DEREK: According to your podcast, yes (PEYTON shakes her head with an "Ooookay" expression) I've known about you for a while now ... didn't know if I wanted to meet you, so when you called it freaked me out, but ... I was curious PEYTON: Why didn't you just call me back? DEREK: I was afraid you'd hang up on me (smiles) (PEYTON smiles when she realizes the purposely used irony in his last sentence) DEREK: I'm sorry, okay--look (sits in front of PEYTON) let's start over Hi, (extends hand) I'm Derek ... (playfully makes confused face) I guess I'm your brother PEYTON: (reaches for his hand) Hi, Derek (shake hands) I'm Peyton DEREK: So, Peyton, who'd you bring? PEYTON: What do you mean? DEREK: Well, you don't strike me as a dumb girl, so ... who'd you bring as backup? In case I turned out to be a (bulges eyes out/whispers) psycho? (PEYTON slightly smiles and looks over at the table next to her, the guy that has been facing his back to them turns around and it turns out to be LUCAS, who is making a "okay, you caught me" face) PEYTON: Derek, Lucas, Lucas ... Derek (DEREK smiles and shakes LUCAS' hand) [Tree Hill Streets-Outside Of Restaurant] (LUCAS and PEYTON walking on the sidewalk away from the restaurant) LUCAS: That guy seems really cool. I mean, you throw a skirt on him and he's you PEYTON: We are not that much alike LUCAS: (playful "of course not" attitude) Oh, no, no, he's a photographer, you're an artist ... you wouldn't shut the hell up about that damn Mozella album--you both ordered the same breakfast. I mean, I thought that was cute PEYTON: We ordered scrambled eggs and toast (playfully hits LUCAS) same as you, same as everybody else (Lucas turns away and silently laughs) It was freakin' special LUCAS: Okay, you know what? I quit ... You have absolutely nothing in common with your brother PEYTON: I just don't know if I want to do it anymore (LUCAS makes a confused expression) get close to somebody so they can ... leave again LUCAS: Look, on the contrary to what might be written on your wall, people don't always leave. All right, I mean, last time I checked I'm still here--so is Nathan, Haley ... Brooke?--okay, maybe not Brooke, but-- PEYTON: --Yeah (laughs) I think she wishes we would leave LUCAS: Yeah (looks down) (PEYTON and LUCAS stop walking and stand on the sidewalk) PEYTON: Have you heard from her? LUCAS: Not since she broke up with me PEYTON: Well (puts hand on LUCAS' shoulder a tad rough) get your game face on and talk to her, it's playoff time--everybody should be in a good mood (LUCAS laughs as he and PEYTON begin to walk again) [Tree Hill High-Entrance] (HALEY, in her cheerleading uniform, stands on a chair as she puts up a big banner, posters are all around her on the ground. NATHAN walks up behind her, he's wearing his collar-shirt and tie that players wear before the basketball game) NATHAN: I need to be tutored (HALEY turns to face him) I think I'm failing marriage HALEY: (hand on hip) Did you try sleeping with the teacher? (HALEY smiles and NATHAN laughs, he grabs her so he can put her down from the chair) HALEY: So ... what's gotten into you? NATHAN: I'm just tired of thinking about the accident. I need to get focused again and start thinking about basketball (HALEY makes an "aren't you forgetting someone?" expression) HALEY: All right (HALEY moves a little to grab posters) NATHAN: (realizes her expression) And you HALEY: (smiles) Uh-huh, you really are failing marriage, aren't you? NATHAN: You know I'm always thinking about you, Hales (HALEY turns back to face him) thank you for being so patient with me--I just needed some time ... but after tonight ... everything's gonna be better, I promise HALEY: I'm really glad to see you so happy but ... I just don't know if everything that happened to you on the bridge is gonna go away so quickly NATHAN: You know--no matter what goes wrong in my life, every time I set foot on that basketball court it all goes away (HALEY looks slightly down from NATHAN like if she's thinking) NATHAN: (smiles) You'll see (NATHAN holds HALEY's face and gives her a kiss) NATHAN: All right? (HALEY winks and watches him leave with a smile on her face) [Tree Hill High-Gym] (The gym is dim except for a few spotlights hitting the gym, SKILLS sits on the bleachers under one of the spotlights, he's wearing his dress-up shirt and tie. LUCAS enters holding a backpack and walks towards SKILLS) LUCAS: You nervous? SKILLS: Nah LUCAS: You lyin'? SKILLS: (looks down) Yeah (LUCAS groans as he sits, they both look out towards the court) LUCAS: (sighs) Remember my first game as a Raven? SKILLS: Yeah ... (looks at LUCAS) You played like crap ... I remember walking around for a whole week talkin' about "Man, I gotta take me a Lucas" LUCAS: (chuckles) Look, the point is ... I let to much get to my head, you know? I mean, basketballs basketball whether it's on the river court or ... in here (shakes head) You remember that and you'll be all right SKILLS: Yeah, I'd be better if you was out there with me though LUCAS: Well (reaches in backpack) I will be ... (pulls out Ravens jersey) Sort of (LUCAS hands the jersey, that is balled up, to SKILLS who grabs it. When SKILLS opens it he sees that it reads "Ravens" with the number "3" on it, LUCAS' number) SKILLS: Wait, this is yo jersey LUCAS: Not anymore (SKILLS, surprised, quickly turns the jersey over and instead of "Scott" it reads "Taylor") SKILLS: (chuckles) Thanks, man (pauses as he stares at the jersey) .... Did you wash it? LUCAS: Aw, man (LUCAS laughs and pats SKILLS on the back, SKILLS playfully smells the jersey, he and LUCAS look at the court) SKILLS: Man, I'm-a make this place look good (they both nod in agreement) This jersey, too LUCAS: Oh, you better ... it ain't used to looking bad (LUCAS looks at SKILLS and they share a smile, LUCAS picks up his backpack and starts to exit the gym leaving Skills alone once again but this time he's looking at the jersey) [Tree Hill-Graveyard] (YOUNG KEITH is sitting on top of KEITH's tombstone and DAN walks up to the grave from behind YOUNG KEITH, there is an old man a little off to the side fixing plants. DAN stands in front of the tomb and stares at YOUNG KEITH who's back is facing him) DAN: (upset) All right, Keith ... enough already (old man looks up and looks at DAN, from his view YOUNG KEITH is not sitting on the tomb) DAN: (mad) Do you mind, (motions to tomb) I'm paying my respects! (Old man gets up and walks away. Close up of DAN looking at YOUNG KEITH) DAN: I know I mad a mistake (camera moves out to show him looking at Y.K who's still on the tomb) but I can't take it back ... and since neither of us is resting in peace (close up of DAN) I have a deal for you ... you stop haunting me ... (looks away for a moment) and I'll try to make things right with Karen, Lucas and your baby ... (threateningly) but if you don't leave me alone (camera moves out to show him and the grave) ... I think you know what I'm capable of (When the camera moves completely out YOUNG KEITH is no longer sitting on the tombstone) [Tree Hill High-Busses-Day] (BROOKE and HALEY walking from the buses to the school, both in there uniforms) BROOKE: I swear to God if we loose tonight, I am going to kill, Peyton HALEY: We will win, Nathan's got that look in his eye--besides, even if we did loose it wouldn't be Peyton's fault BROOKE: (mad) Yes, it would, everything is Peyton's fault, she's like a cursed rabbits foot, she's bad luck (Haley laughs) I am serious, traitor girl. Do not take her side--not against me HALEY: Hey! Wuh-wait, Do not call me traitor girl, okay? I'm not taking sides, I didn't know there were sides BROOKE: (getting angrier by the second) Well, there are. You're either on team Brooke or team Peyton and nobody wants to be on team Peyton because there captain is a big whore! HALEY: Okay, do you think that's a little harsh? BROOKE: Oh, you mean "Harsh" like when they shove there tongues down each others throats? (BROOKE and HALEY stop in front of the outside lunch tables) HALEY: That kiss was so long ago BROOKE: Again, Haley, they kissed again! HALEY: (looks away, shocked) What? BROOKE: They're sneakin' around again, too. You should really check out Peyton's Webcam sometime (BROOKE and HALEY turn around and they see PEYTON and LUCAS sitting at the outside lunch tables laughing and talking, both sharing the same bench seat) (HALEY gasps) BROOKE: (puts arm around HALEY) Welcome to team Brooke (BROOKE and HALEY walk away, PEYTON and LUCAS continue talking, never noticing there presence) THEME SONG - Gavin DeGraw "I Don't Want to Be" [Tree Hill High-Bench-Day] (BROOKE is sitting on a bench outside of the school, LUCAS walks up to her holding a juice) LUCAS: Trade you my juice box for your bag of chips (sits on top of bench from behind) and I'll throw in a cookie (BROOKE doesn't bother to look at Lucas) BROOKE: Peyton must really need chips LUCAS: (rolls eyes) Okay, how can I make this any clearer? There's nothing going on between me and Peyton BROOKE: (turns to LUCAS) And there's nothing going on between us, either so why are you still here? (LUCAS looks away for second) ... Do I need to make that clearer? LUCAS: You know what, Brooke? You broke up with me. Then you never even gave me a real reason why and you just walked away and I thought ... we could at least still be friends (LUCAS stands and walks away leaving BROOKE there trying to fight back tears) [KAREN's Café-Counter] (KAREN behind the register at what looks like a busy day) KAREN: (to customer) Here you go, thanks (KAREN hits some buttons on the register and looks up quickly to see DAN standing there, she quickly looks down to continue) DAN: Anything I can do to help? KAREN: Yeah (looks down/writes) Leave Deb alone DAN: Is she here? KAREN: (looks up) No, she quit (closes register) and I'm swamped (KAREN walks away to other side of counter and DAN follows) DAN: That's Deb for you--never finishes the job KAREN: Deb is back on drugs and she's carrying a gun DAN: (taking it as a joke) She didn't have any matches, did she? KAREN: (upset) Look, she needs help, so stop whatever it is you're doing DAN: I'm not doing anything KAREN: You're always doing something and it's never good. Look, you said that you wanted to be a better person--here's your chance, take it DAN: (looks down) Okay, Karen, okay, I'll stop (points to her) for you (DAN turns to exit) KAREN: Do it for you (DAN turns) and for the women you once claimed to love (KAREN watches DAN leave) DEREK: (v.o) That was the most ... [Tree Hill High-School sign-Day] (DEREK and PEYTON are walking from the buses towards the school. They are towards the front of the school where the school activities board reads "TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL, ITS PLAYOFF TIME") DEREK: ... morbid tour I've ever been on PEYTON: Yeah, well not everybody gets to go on the Tree Hill death walk, so ... you should feel honored DEREK: Oh, I do, uh ... my favorite part was the bridge where your friends crashed PEYTON: You know, it's just to bad I ran out of time 'cause I really wanted to show you the place where I buried my prom date (DEREK gives her a weird look) kidding DEREK: Thank, God ... be really weird if we had another thing in common (PEYTON laughs) so, I want to ask you something ... you okay with me being here? You've kind of ... had your guard up all day PEYTON: I'm sorry (pats DEREK) that's just me, I ... don't let people in, really DEREK: Hey, it's okay, I mean, I get it, I'm the same way ... look, Peyton, I'd ... like to hang around a little bit and get to know you but if you're not comfortable with it I understand. I will .... check out of my hotel and head home, at the very least we had one great day together (PEYTON smiles) So ... you just let me know, okay? (PEYTON nods) I'll see you (DEREK starts walking away and PEYTON stands there hesitating whether to talk or not) PEYTON: There's a game tonight (DEREK turns) and a party after, if you want to go DEREK: Yeah (smiles) Yeah, I'd--I'd like that (barley heard) cool (PEYTON waves and watches DEREK leave, then she smiles) [Tree Hill High-Boy's Locker Room] (WHITEY stands in front of the "Ravens Basketball" drawn on wall, side profile) WHITEY: Crap! ... (looks forward to lockers) That pretty much sums up this season. You started out this year with a crappy attitude. You played like crap (camera moves out to show players lined up each sides of lockers, NATHAN and SKILLS included) you took my crap, you cleaned up rat crap from a crappy gym (walks down the lockers passing players) well, all that craps over now, at least you made it to the finals. Some of you are seniors, this is your last chance for a state title. It's my last chance ... so get out there and play like the champions I know you can be! (WHITEY is no longer facing them, he's reached the end of the line of the players and his back is facing them and he starts clapping as well as the players and they all huddle around each other, minus WHITEY) TEAM: One--two--three, RAVENS! (The team walks out of the gym and WHITEY is left there smiling and then he proceeds to walk out) (Cut to Gym) (The players are running in the hall towards the gym) MOUTH: (v.o) Ladies and gentlemen, lets make some noise for you're Tree Hill Ravens! (There is a big paper banner that reads "Go Ravens! Championship bound" covering the door. It tears because NATHAN runs through it, SKILLS behind and the other players behind him. The Cheerleaders are all lined up by the door, cheering, as the players pass them, the crowd on the bleachers cheers and applauds Cut to announcement table: sitting from left to right: GIGI SILVERI, MOUTH and LUCAS) MOUTH: Okay, fans, you are in for a treat. Tonight, we are lucky to be joined by Lucas Scott--former Ravens shooting guard GIGI: Very lucky ... (smiles) and aroused MOUTH: (a little uncomfortable) Yes, very lucky ... before tonight's game Mayor Dan Scott is here to present an award ... (DAN, with microphone and plaque, standing in middle of gym, spotlight) MOUTH: ... (v.o) to one of our very own Ravens DAN: A week ago, my son, Nathan Scott, risked his life to save two people (LUCAS nodding in agreement) this act of bravery (back to DAN, all players and cheerleaders forming 2 lines from DAN to MOUTH and LUCAS) and selflessness in the face of grave danger ... is a quality I most hoped to inspire in him ... and I'm happy to say that I succeeded (MOUTH and LUCAS listen) on behalf of Tree Hill (holds award up) I'd like to present this award of valor (smiles) ... to my son, Nathan Scott (The crowd cheers and applauds as NATHAN goes up to DAN to receive the plaque. All of a sudden RACHEL runs up to NATHAN jumps in his arms and kisses him on the mouth. NATHAN looks shocked, DAN smiles) RACHEL: (seductively) Thank you ... hero (RACHEL walks back in line) DAN: (to NATHAN/without microphone) I'm proud of you, son (DAN sticks his hand out to shake NATHAN's. NATHAN looks at DAN's hand for a second then at DAN and looks away) NATHAN: (holds plaque up/to everyone) Let's play ball (NATHAN leaves DAN there a little hurt, or angry, and the crowd cheers as the players and cheerleaders break. PEYTON and BROOKE are walking next to each other while HALEY and RACHEL, who is looking at NATHAN, walk in front of them) HALEY: (pushes RACHEL) Stay the hell away from my husband RACHEL: (bitchy) I was just giving him a proper "thank you" HALEY: (smiles) You're thank-you's send people to the free clinic PEYTON: HA! BROOKE: (mad) What are you laughing about? Your "I love you's" send people to there grave PEYTON: (smiles) Well if that's the case, then, I love you, Brooke (PEYTON looks at BROOKE and kisses her from afar) BROOKE: (to herself) Whore (The crowd is cheering and on the bleachers sits DEREK, with his camera, taking pictures. He focuses the camera on PEYTON who is holding her pom-pom's and looking at the court, smiling, the camera clicks and the image of PEYTON stands still. He focuses it again on PEYTON and takes another picture and the image freezes, DEREK pulls the camera away and looks at the picture through the camera) [SCENE_BREAK] (Helicopter view of players from the opposing teams at center going to shake hands, #33 Masonboro and #32 for Ravens) MOUTH: (v.o) Okay, here we go, it's Tree Hill versus Masonboro (referee throws ball in the air) the winner advances in the post season (#32 for Ravens, reaches the ball and throws it to players) and the Ravens win the tip! (#1 throws NATHAN the ball) Nathan Scott has it out on the wing (NATE passes #2 of opposing team) Nathan drives past his defender (Slow motion as NATHAN jumps to throw the ball in the hoop) MOUTH: And he scores! (The ball goes into the hoop and the cheerleaders, who stand behind the hoop, cheer, From left to right: HALEY, PEYTON, RACHEL, BROOKE and BEVIN. HALEY is the only one not really in a cheering mood and gives RACHEL a dirty look, RACHEL gives her a look back and looks back at the game. Camera goes to announcing table as they watch the game, then it cuts to player passing the ball to NATHAN, who catches) MOUTH: (v.o) (NATHAN shoots) Nathan has it out on the wing again, he puts up a shot (basket makes it in) and he scores (NATHAN running with ball) as some fans know, Nathan injured his knee in that heroic rescue but he's feeling no ill effects tonight (slow-mo of NATHAN jumping in the air towards hoop) he's playing like a man possessed (ball goes in) and he drives again! (The crowd goes wild and player #11 from Masonboro takes the ball) MOUTH: Masonboro with it now on the offensive end (#11 runs towards opposing net and fakes #1) they drive to the hoop (#11 makes the shot) and the baskets good (WHITEY yelling at players) Masonboro's keepin' it close (SKILLS is sitting on the bench, antsy, with a player to his left) SKILLS: Man--I can't believe Whitey ain't put me in the game, man PLAYER: Yeah, whatever, I've been on this team for two years and I haven't played one game yet SKILLS: ... Yeah, but I'm good (PLAYER looks at SKILLS with a "Whatever" expression, Cut to announcement table) MOUTH: Scott drives to the hoop and he's fouled (LUCAS makes a "dang" expression) he'll step to the line for a couple of free throws (LUCAS and MOUTH clap Cut to NATHAN in front of hoop with ball, facing the cheerleaders as he focuses on the net. Cheerleaders rubbing pom-pom's together) MOUTH: (v.o) Nathan's a perfect six for six tonight, he's got twelve points (NATHAN shoots) ... and now thirteen! (HALEY yells and cheers, RACHEL puts one hand on hip and the other in the air and smiles) MOUTH: (v.o) Nathan has a second free-throw coming (NATHAN is thrown the ball for his next throw, he catches it and looks up at the net, the basketball glass is dripping with water and he stares, confused, at it as the crowds cheers fade out. As he looks back at the net, the whole hoop fills up with water and the net rises from the hoop. Nathan keeps focusing on it and the camera goes back to the hoop filled with water as he appears from behind the basketball glass and pounds on the glass like if he wants air, he pounds harder and it goes back to Nathan who is looking at the image confused and scared. He looks back at himself pounding on the glass and then it cuts to RACHEL in the water and she opens here eyes then it transcends to RACHEL looking at him from behind the basketball net smiling at him seductively as her hair flows. NATHAN looks from the net to look at her and HALEY looks at RACHEL and then NATHAN, she's upset. NATHAN shoots the ball) MOUTH: (v.o) Second free-throw's up (ball hits rim and misses) Oh, and he misses (NATHAN closes his eyes disappointedly) that's his first miss (RACHEL stares seductively) of the night (HALEY looks at RACHEL then at NATHAN, then looks down sadly) [Tree Hill High-Boy's Locker Room] (The team is sitting in the benches upset with there heads down and some with there heads leaning on the lockers. NATHAN sits by the "Ravens Basketball" wall. WHITEY walks in and smiles) WHITEY: (comforting) Are you guys tired? ... I know I am but then again, I'm old ... and you guys are young and you've BEEN SLEEPIN' THE ENTIRE FIRST HALF! (throws clipboard on the ground and startles players) WAKE UP! ... WE SHOULD BE BLOWING THESE GUYS OUT, NOT DOWN BY FIVE! (turns to NATHAN) SCOTT! You haven't hit a shot since you stepped up to the free throw line! (NATHAN looks away) At the first quarter! IS THERE SOMETHING I SHOULD KNOW?! (NATHAN shakes his head negatively) NATHAN: I'll be okay, coach (WHITEY looks at all the player, gives a big sigh and walks away) (Cut to Gym-Bleachers) (Since it's half time, MOUTH, smiling, walks up to RACHEL who is by the bleachers tying her shoes she finishes and smiles back) RACHEL: Hey, big mouth MOUTH: (laughs) Other than you saying it--there is nothing that I like about that nickname (laughs) it's good to have you back RACHEL: (smiling) Yeah, I'm much happier in my cheer uniform than I was in that hospital gown (nods) then again, the gown was drafty in different places (RACHEL walks away) MOUTH: I'll bet (follows RACHEL) um, so listen (RACHEL turns) Cooper's gone and, um ... (looks down for a second) well, you know how I feel about you RACHEL: I know ... I'm really lucky to have you, Mouth (smiles) you're a good friend (MOUTH's smile fades) MOUTH: (nods) A good friend RACHEL: (frowns) A great friend? (MOUTH walks away) You don't want me, Mouth (MOUTH turns) ... I'm a mess MOUTH: I gotta get back to my broadcast (MOUTH walks away heartbroken and RACHEL stands there watching him leave feeling bad for hurting his feelings) (Buzzer) (Cut to Boy's locker room) (NATHAN and SKILLS sitting on bench behind "Ravens Basketball" wall. As they hear the sound of the buzzer, they stand and start heading towards the exit to the gym) SKILLS: You know, y'all are missin' something out there, right? ... You want to know what it is? NATHAN: (smiles) Let me guess--you (NATHAN and SKILLS stop by door) SKILLS: Psssh! Same old story, dawg. Whitey tryin' a keep a brotha down (Camera turns to show WHITEY a couple feet behind from SKILLS who can't see him. NATHAN smiles because he can see WHITEY) SKILLS: Look, somebody got tah tell the old man, they don't call me Skills 'cause I'm really good at picking splinters out my ass NATHAN: (to WHITEY) They don't call him Skills (SKILLS turns to WHITEY) 'cause he's really good at pickin' splinters out his ass (SKILLS turns back around to NATHAN, scared, as WHITEY approaches looking like he's about to commit murder. SKILLS waits as he hears his footsteps) WHITEY: All right, Skills (NATHAN looks down) Let's see what you've got (NATHAN looks away uncomfortably or scared) God forbid Whitey should keep you down (WHITEY exits as SKILLS stays facing NATHAN) NATHAN: (smiles) You're welcome (NATHAN exits leaving SKILLS there who looks up with an "Oh, Lord" expression) (Cut to Gym) (SKILLS is on the court by the side lines and then runs towards the net) MOUTH: (v.o) So Skills Taylor has checked into the game (they pass SKILLS the ball and he runs) for his first time as a Raven, he's wasting no time (SKILLS takes a shot) !as he drives to the basket and scores! (Ball makes the net and SKILLS taunts #33 from Masonboro) SKILLS: Yo, man, you're as easy to score on as your mom--oh, my fault, ain't nobody that easy (to teammate) gimme the ball, I got mad "D" boy, better protect the ball (SKILLS is blocking #11 from Masonboro who has the ball and SKILLS manages to steal it) MOUTH: (v.o) Skills with the steal, he knocks the ball away (slow-mo of SKILLS throwing ball to NATHAN) picks it up and he throws it ahead to Nathan Scott. Nathan racing up court (slow-mo as NATHAN shoots) and Nathan's gonna lay it in for two (shot goes in) (BEVIN holds up her pom-pom) BEVIN: GO! SKILLS! GO! (SKILLS is looking at the basket and runs backwards Cut to announcement table) MOUTH: As most of you know, Lucas Scott was co-captain until he was sidelined for health reasons. It must be tough to go from playing the game to watching LUCAS: Aw, man, well I'd be lying if I say I don't miss it but I'm really happy for my friend Skills Taylor ... [KAREN's Café-Counter] (KAREN, lights dim, sits as she does her receipts and her deposits for the day, listening to the game) LUCAS' VOICE ON RADIO: ... There's nothing like that first night when you step out on the floor (Karen stops) feeling you have an-- ... you don't ever wanna give it back (KAREN sits there and thinks) [Tree Hill High-Gym] (Crowd cheers and SKILLS has the ball, taunting the players) SKILLS: You in my bedroom ... 'cause I can go all damn night (Slow-mo as SKILLS fakes #2 of Masonboro and runs to an empty spot, he shoots and the ball fly's through the air from the 3-point line and passes through the air towards the net) [GATINA Residence-After game party-Pool table] (There is a close up of a blue plastic cup and an orange ball goes in it) SKILLS: Like I said--all damn night, baby, now drink up (BEVIN is across from SKILLS and drinks from a cup, drops it and puts her hands in the air and smiles, people around them cheer. People congratulate SKILLS) [GATINA Residence-Driveway-Night] (HALEY and NATHAN walk from the car. NATHAN is wearing what he wore to school only his shirt is tucked out and the tie is un-done and hanging from his neck, they head towards the back of the house) HALEY: It's like Rachel wants people to hate her (holds NATHAN's hand) I mean, first of all, she goes after Lucas just to upset Brooke and then she gets drunk and nearly kills Cooper now she's ... throwing herself at you (NATHAN seems to be acting a little weird, a little out of a party mood. They enter RACHEL's backyard) NATHAN: Yeah, that ... sucks HALEY: That sucks? (sighs) What's wrong, the Raven's won, aren't you happy? NATHAN: Yeah, I just think maybe you should go easy on her. I mean--she's probably having a tough time with the accident HALEY: She caused thee accident NATHAN: (wanting to end conversation)Yeah, you're right--lets go inside (barley heard) come on (NATHAN and HALEY start to get inside. There is a shot of the backyard and it's more of a pool party, even thought it's night, since people are at the pool and those who aren't are wearing swim cloths. There is a ton of people hanging by the pool around the yard at the porch and on the second floor porch) [GATINA Residence-Living Room] (LUCAS is walking and looking around holding two drinks he walks to the living room and BROOKE is sitting and talking on a chair) LUCAS: (holds cup out) A piece offering? BROOKE: (looks at cup for a second) We're not at war (BROOKE stands next to LUCAS) LUCAS: Could've fooled me (LUCAS holds the drink up for BROOKE, it obviously contains alcohol) BROOKE: I'm on DW-not-I duty tonight LUCAS: Want some company? (The door opens and BROOKE rolls her eyes to see PEYTON and DEREK walk in sharing a laugh. PEYTON turns and looks at BROOKE who stares at her like if she crashed her very own party and walks up to them) PEYTON: (to DEREK) Uh-oh--here comes the Brookie Monster (DEREK gives BROOKE a sort of mean look) BROOKE: (to PEYTON/smiles) Welcome to my house (smiles fades) Did you come to steal it? PEYTON: Um ... (smiles) It's Rachel's house and I'm pretty sure you stole it from her (BROOKE gives PEYTON a bitchy smiles) BROOKE: (to DEREK) Are you with Peyton? (BROOKE grabs DEREK and kisses him, he kisses her back as PEYTON stares and smiles with a "Come on") BROOKE: Don't worry, it'll just make her like you more (BROOKE walks away and we see that LUCAS and MOUTH have been watching the whole thing) PEYTON: (to DEREK) Uh ... (PEYTON tries to give an explanation to DEREK but she can't so she just smiles and he laughs) [GATINA Residence-Dining Room] (PEYTON walks in and looks around to see BROOKE behind a counter, PEYTON walks up to her) PEYTON: (smiles) What the hell are you doing? (BROOKE looks at her like if she's innocent but doing it in a bitch-like way) BROOKE: What? PEYTON: Kissing Derek? BROOKE: (bitchy) Oh, I'm sorry, Peyton, I can't help who I like ... new boyfriend? PEYTON: (grins) He's my brother BROOKE: (not buying it) You have a brother? PEYTON: (smiles) Yeah BROOKE: Huh--Well, then I guess your mom slept around even more than you do (BROOKE walks away and PEYTON looks straight ahead hurt by her comment on her deceased mom) [GATINA Residence-Living Room] (SKILLS and NATHAN walk up to LUCAS) SKILLS: Yo! (to LUCAS) Look, I just got to thank the brother who helped a brother get on the team (to NATHAN) and a brother who helped a brother score once he got there (NATHAN gives a "no problem" pat on the should to SKILLS) LUCAS: I lost track, which one am I, again? (They start walking towards other side) SKILLS: So what's up, man? How 'bout some shots with the Scotts? NATHAN: Look, man, you blew up out there but it's only gonna get tougher--so you got to keep bringing it, all right? SKILLS: Look, man, I'm-a be so tight out there, dawg, they 'bout to be calling me Ziploc (LUCAS laughs) NATHAN: Just say you're gonna bring it, Skills (they stop/to LUCAS) and you (shake hands) missed you out there, man LUCAS: Hey, you guys played great NATHAN: Still missed you (to SKILLS) all right, brother (NATHAN pats SKILLS on the chest and exits) SKILLS: Look, I just gotta thank you for going to the White man for me, dawg. So, look, just to show my appreciation (looks around) I send Bevin on a little spy mission for you LUCAS: Oh! (in a "you shouldn't have" way) (LUCAS puts his hand on SKILLS head and kisses his hand as if he's kissing SKILLS head, BEVIN runs up to SKILLS) BEVIN: Okay, big news but keep it on the BLT ... Brooke (sing-song voice) broke up with Lucas LUCAS: Thanks, Bevin (BEVIN not really noticing or caring about LUCAS' presence quickly glances at him but then back to SKILLS and blows SKILLS a kiss before she leaves. He looks awkwardly at LUCAS and points around. LUCAS motions that maybe he should go and SKILLS nods) SKILLS: Yeah (LUCAS goes one way, SKILLS goes behind him) [GATINA Residence-snack table] (MOUTH drinking and hanging around table. PEYTON walks up to him with DEREK behind her, MOUTH seems ... drunk, well tipsy) PEYTON: Mouth, hey, how you doin'? (MOUTH turns) Um, I want to introduce you to Derek--Derek, this is my great friend, Mouth MOUTH: (tipsy/depressed) I'm everybody's great friend PEYTON: Right, um, look, the line to the bathroom is longer than the line to the keg so would you mind hanging out with Derek for just a couple minutes? MOUTH: Sure, that's what friends are for, right? PEYTON: (pats MOUTH) Thank you (PEYTON walks away) DEREK: (food in mouth) It's good to meet you, man (DEREK extends his hand but MOUTH just drinks his drink) MOUTH: What'd you say your name was--Cooper DEREK: It's Derek MOUTH: (looking at drink) Whatever, Felix (sighs/looks forward) You ever been a girls friend? It sucks. You know what else sucks--new guys (drinks) <Note: For those of you who don't remember, FELIX was the guy involved with BROOKE in season 2> DEREK: My names Derek MOUTH: (not really caring) Right, look, if you want to get on my good side ... (looks at DEREK) and you do ... stop kissing Brooke (looks forward) don't even look at Rachel and don't move here 'cause nobody likes new guys ... new guy ... what was I talking about? DEREK: (thinks) You don't like new guys MOUTH: (inhales) Oh, yeah (looks DEREK up and down) Damn, new guys (MOUTH exits and DEREK stands there with a "weird-o" expression before he walks away) [GATINA Residence-Back Porch-1st Story] (RACHEL leaning by the door frame outside to her porch. NATHAN walks and stands from behind her and leans on the frame with her, she moves her back a little closer to his chest to talk to him) RACHEL: I was told to stay away from you? NATHAN: And--since when do you do what you're told? (RACHEL turns to NATHAN, still leaning on frame) RACHEL: (flirty) Since never (NATHAN looks down) Let me guess ... you liked my last kiss so much you want another? NATHAN: (laughs/holds wedding ring up) Guess again (NATHAN moves from behind her to the other side of the door) RACHEL: (moves close) So what then? NATHAN: When we were under water did you ... see anything? RACHEL: (thinks) The last thing I remember is the limo going off the bridge ... then, waking up in the hospital NATHAN: Nothing else? RACHEL: (flirty) Just you saving my life ... why? (NATHAN mouths "forget it" and starts walking away on the porch, RACHEL follows) RACHEL: Nathan, wait (NATHAN stops) my memory's still a little hazy (NATHAN and RACHEL are standing by a door, really close to each other. HALEY is walking from a distance and stops when she sees them, positioning herself in between them from afar. RACHEL grabs his tie and fiddles with it) RACHEL: But if I do remember something (NATHAN uncomfortably pulls her away) you'll be the first to know NATHAN: (smug) Thank you (NATHAN drops his smile and heads to the house but doesn't notice HALEY. RACHEL watches him leave then looks over at HALEY who looks at NATHAN before walking the opposite way, upset. RACHEL looks at her leave and smiles to herself with a "mission complete" face) [GATINA Residence-House Entrance Stairs] (HALEY walks up to LUCAS who is hanging by the stairs talking to a girl) HALEY: (to his ear) What are you gonna kiss her now, too? (HALEY walks a couple feet away) LUCAS: (to girl) Excuse me for a second (to HALEY) What?! HALEY: Brooke told me that you kissed Peyton again (LUCAS closes his eyes) ... Luke, that's the dumbest thing you've done since the first time you kissed her--what the hell where you thinking? LUCAS: (upset) I was thinking that she was dying ... she's lying in my arm--blood is pouring out of her leg and she kissed me, well, and anyway (smiles coldly) wait--do--you--know-- ... do you really wanna go there? HALEY: What does that mean? LUCAS: What leg were you shot in when you kissed Chris Keller? (LUCAS gives her a "hypocrite" look and walks away. HALEY stands there mad before she finally walks away) [GATINA Residence-Backyard] (LUCAS walks from the porch down to the yard and sees BROOKE talking to a bunch of guys as he walks up to her) LUCAS: Brooke, got a second? (BROOKE turns) BROOKE: Uh ... this kind-a feels like déjà vu LUCAS: No really ... you told me to fight for you and I did ... but you never fought for me BROOKE: And I'm not going to LUCAS: (looks around) Okay, then I guess I was wrong ... (shakes head negatively) I'm not the guy for you, Brooke Davis (BROOKE stares coldly)(to guys) She's all yours (LUCAS stares at her, mad, for a second before he walks away. BROOKE stands there staring at him with a cold expression on her face) [GATINA Residence-Porch-1st Story] (MOUTH, holding a drink, walking out from the house onto the porch, he heads out of the door just as a girl is gonna go in and he holds his hands out with a "whoa, I was here first" expression. He seems a lot drunker than before and he walks up to LUCAS who is sitting on a couch) LUCAS: What's up, Mouth? (MOUTH goes to sit next to LUCAS) MOUTH: (cruelly, but in a funny way, mocks LUCAS) 'Sup, Mouth-- 'Sup Mouth (normal) that's all you ever say (MOUTH sits and LUCAS points to his drink) LUCAS: You been drinking? MOUTH: (scoffs) This party sucks LUCAS: Yeah, I know what you mean MOUTH: (sarcastically) Yeah, I'm sure you do 'cause every time you tell a girl you like her she says what a great friend you are, right? (LUCAS looks confused) Oh, wait, that's me. You're the guy they all throw themselves at ... Brooke, Rachel, Peyton (LUCAS shakes his head negatively) probably even new guy (MOUTH sighs and drinks) LUCAS: How many of those have you had? MOUTH: (looks at drink) Counting this one? ... One (LUCAS pats MOUTH like if he's telling him its gonna be okay, MOUTH drinks) [GATINA Residence-House Entrance Stairs] (HALEY is sitting on the first step, feet laying across it, and two girls skip over her and head downstairs. LUCAS walks up to her and she scoots so he can sit with her) HALEY: I'm sorry (LUCAS sits) ... I'm an idiot--I shouldn't have come at you (LUCAS sighs heavily) like that LUCAS: I'm sorry, too-- HALEY: --I hate Rachel LUCAS: You know, she probably just-- (HALEY gives him a look) Oh, I hate her, too (laughs) HALEY: (sympathetically) I'm really sorry about you and Brooke LUCAS: (sighs) Me too HALEY: She's probably going thought a lot right now LUCAS: Yeah, well, she's just gonna have to go through it alone HALEY: Hey, Luke, will you promise me something? LUCAS: Mm-hmm HALEY: No matter what happens ... you and I, we'll always be friends (LUCAS playfully touches her knee) LUCAS: Always ... (deep voice) and forever HALEY: (whispers) Shut up (HALEY playfully hits him on the shoulder with her elbow and he laughs but she doesn't find it that amusing) [GATINA Residence-Backyard-Gazebo] (NATHAN is sitting at a table by himself and PEYTON walks up to him and sits herself down and he positions himself to face her) PEYTON: I saw you come over here by yourself ... that use to be our signal (NATHAN smiles, RACHEL walks up to the gazebo and looks at PEYTON and NATHAN talking) PEYTON: (v.o) You okay? NATHAN: (v.o) Yeah ... I was just ... thinking (RACHEL stops) PEYTON: (v.o) About Keith? NATHAN: What about him? (NATHAN looks at PEYTON then looks behind her) PEYTON: Lucas told me you saw him the day of the accident (NATHAN looks down) there's nothing to be embarrassed about NATHAN: No, I'm not embarrassed, I just-- ... I just don't know if I should believe it PEYTON: What don't you believe--that it could happen? Or that it could happen to you? NATHAN: Either ... both (NATHAN sadly laughs and looks away) PEYTON: I use to feel that way when my mom died ... You know--what?--I'd go and I'd visit her grave all the time and I'd really like to think I'm not just talking to a (whispers) rock (NATHAN nods) It's not crazy to think that someone you cared about and lost might still be watching you NATHAN: But--what if he did more than just watch? What if he actually saved me? PEYTON: Well, so what if he did? ... Do you think he saved you so you could just sit here ... all by yourself and pout? (NATHAN smiles) If you ever want to come with me to the cemetery sometime ... maybe the four of us can have a picnic NATHAN: (smiles) All right PEYTON: (pats NATHAN) Come on (NATHAN mumbles something and they both stand to go back to the house, thanks to PEYTON's talk he seems in better spirits as he walks away, a guy comes from behind them holding the plaque DAN gave NATHAN) PARTY GUY: Yo, Nate, don't forget your award (NATHAN grabs the award and looks at it, it reads "Award of Valor, presented to Nathan Scott by the city of Tree Hill, N.C, For bravery and selflessness above and beyond the ordinary in the rescue of Rachel Gatina and Cooper Lee, 2006") NATHAN: It's not mine (NATHAN throws it in the trash and the guy pats him on the back. PEYTON and NATHAN go inside and RACHEL stands there watching him and playing with her hair, HALEY passes by her not really noticing RACHEL) RACHEL: If you're looking for Nathan ... (smiles) He's in my bedroom HALEY: If you're looking for a black eye it's in my fist (RACHEL laughs with an attitude) why do you always go after guys that you can't have? RACHEL: Let me know if you see any? HALEY: !I would! except I heard he left town RACHEL: I understand why you're so angry, Haley (looks HALEY up and down) I use to be a fat chick with a little head, too (RACHEL walks away and HALEY stands there for a moment before closing her eyes) [GATINA Residence-Pool] (MOUTH sits on the bench in front of the pool and LUCAS, holding water, walks up to him) LUCAS: Hey, what's up, Mouth (realizes he always says that) Hey, Mouth (laughs) you all right? MOUTH: I wish none of us ever left the river court ... we were all happy back then .... LUCAS: ... Well, look, I'm gonna take off ... you need a lift? MOUTH: Naaah, I think I'm gonna stay for a while LUCAS: Okay ... just call me if you need a ride MOUTH: Hey, you too (drinks) (LUCAS grabs the cup away from MOUTH and gives him a little bottle of water. MOUTH smiles and takes it. LUCAS smiles at him for a second then gets up and walks away. MOUTH sighs depressed, looks up, then at the bench and lies down) [DAN SCOTT Residence] (There is a knock on the door and DAN goes to answer it, he opens the door and it's KAREN) KAREN: Can I talk to you? DAN: Not if you're gonna yell at me (DAN walks back towards the house, KAREN clears her throat and walks in, closes the door behind her) KAREN: I wanted to ... ask you about basketball DAN: (holding drink) Wow, if you had a cigar and a scotch in your hand--I'd think I was dreaming KAREN: (rolls eyes) Oh, forr---I knew this was a mistake (KAREN starts exiting to the door) DAN: Karen (KAREN stops) I'm sorry ... What did you want to know? KAREN: (walks towards DAN/sighs) Why was having basketball in your life so important? DAN: It's the only thing I ever new I was good at ... people counted on me and I never let them down, it's the best feeling in the world ... and when that went away I didn't know who I was anymore ... it's scary when you loose your way ... I don't know if you ever find it again (KAREN looks down, uncomfortable) but what brings you in here in the middle of the night to ask about a game? KAREN: ... Lucas is missing it ... and, uh, I just-- ... wanted to be sure he was gonna be okay without it DAN: I'm not the right guy to answer that <Note: Obviously he's not okay with missing it> (KAREN looks at DAN for a moment) KAREN: Thank you ... and thank you for the crib (DAN and KAREN stare at each other for a moment before she walks out and exits. DAN watches her leave and turns to look at his basketball team picture and trophies) [GATINA Residence-Pool] (BROOKE and RACHEL cleaning up) BROOKE: Okay, I know that you were drunk at the wedding and in a coma for the honeymoon but just to keep you up to speed Nathan and Haley are still married RACHEL: Thanks for that update. I hate those cute couply newsletters BROOKE: Rachel ... trying to steal a girl's boyfriend is bad enough, trying to steal a girl's husband is unacceptable! Especially when the couple is Nathan and Haley!--they've been through enough RACHEL: (bitchy) Well, I'll make a note of that in my "Mind your own business" stationary BROOKE: No, because as one of Haley's bridesmaids making sure they stay together is my business, so back off! (RACHEL making "oh, yeah?" expression) She might be to classy to fight you but I will kick you little ass RACHEL: Oh, I think you're gonna stay out of it BROOKE: Really? Why is that? (RACHEL looks at BROOKE's stomach) RACHEL: Because you're pregnant (BROOKE looks in shock)(walks away to throw trash) So, who is the father? ... Lucas BROOKE: You don't know Jack unless he was one of those guys who's beanstalk you climbed the other night RACHEL: You gonna kiss your unborn baby with that mouth (BROOKE tries to speak) you have been begging me to find out--you haven't been drinking (looks at her clothes) you're making maternity cloths and, uh, I found the pamphlets from planned parenthood in your night stand, what is that, bed time reading?-- "The story of the knocked up cheerleader" BROOKE: (smiling) You were looking through my drawers? RACHEL: My house! My drawers, and, uh--I was looking for condoms--something you probably should've been doing-- BROOKE: (mad)--I am not having this conversation with you! RACHEL: I was talking to your baby (RACHEL walks away and BROOKE, angry, walks the opposite direction. MOUTH opens his eyes, having heard the whole argument and lays there shocked) [PEYTON's Bedroom] (DEREK is looking at the walls of PEYTON and checking out her drawings. PEYTON at computer) DEREK: Being an artist must be really easy PEYTON: Excuse me? DEREK: (looking at pictures) Well--you can draw anything (PEYTON looks at him) If I wanted to ... take a picture of a unicorn ... (looks at PEYTON) I'd have to find one PEYTON: (sarcastic) Oooh, right, and then you'd have that ever-so-difficult task of pushing a button (looks at her walls) were are you seeing a unicorn, anyway? DEREK: Oh, this one's amazing (DEREK is looking at her "Where are they now?" wall, Shot of "Angel of Death Peyton" drawing) DEREK: (v.o) it's so beautiful and tragic PEYTON: (walks to bed) Great, well you picked the one I didn't do ... Ellie drew that for me (PEYTON sits on her bed and looks at the picture for a moment before she takes if off her wall and hands it to DEREK) DEREK: (holds hands out) Oh, no--no--no--no, I--I, I can't PEYTON: (holding it out) Ellie brought us together, I want you to have it ... I've seen enough of the Angel of death, anyway DEREK: (frowns) Thank you, Peyton (smiles) (PEYTON smiles) DEREK: I'm gonna find a really special place for this (half smiles) Well, I should go (deep sigh) ... hey, listen, I know you haven't asked about our father and ... I haven't volunteered much because the truth is (shakes head) I don't know anything, really (PEYTON nods) I mean--other than he skipped out on me at a pretty early age ... I'm sorry but I can tell you what I do remember ... if you want, maybe tomorrow? (PEYTON thinks for a moment) PEYTON: (smiles) Sure DEREK: All right (holds picture out) Thank you (DEREK walks backwards towards the door as he looks at PEYTON then turns and exits. PEYTON sits on her bed, truly happy, and sits there thinking ... and smiling) [The River Court-Basketball court-Night] (SKILLS holding a basketball stands in front of the net, shoots and the basketball goes in the hoop, he runs to grab the ball and throws it in the basket again as LUCAS walks up behind him. He quickly runs up behind SKILLS) LUCAS: Aah! (LUCAS jumps in air and tries to hit the ball away from SKILLS) SKILLS: (moves ball) Oh! LUCAS: (laughs) You played a hell of a game this time SKILLS: Yeah, but it wasn't no Lucas Scott game, though LUCAS: No, it was a Skills Taylor game and that's exactly what the team needed SKILLS: (smiles) ... Look, man, I'm sorry about the way everything went down with Brooke (LUCAS makes a "Yeah, me too" face, then hesitates to talk) LUCAS: You know what ... Mouth said? (SKILLS listens) He said that he wished we never left the river court (SKILLS looks away thinking) SKILLS: So you think he was right? LUCAS: I think things would be a lot easier ... now I know if we never left ... I wouldn't have lost Brooke (SKILLS makes a "true" face) ... twice and Keith and Jimmy would still be alive SKILLS: (sighs) Well that's a real stupid way to think though, dawg .... I mean, considering ... if you wouldn't have left the river court (LUCAS listens) you would have never got with Brooke ... twice, you're brother would still be a stranger, and ... rock star Haley Scott ... she'd probably be still good ol' bookworm Haley James (LUCAS laughs) you can't hide from life, dawg ... eventually you gotta live it LUCAS: Like you did tonight SKILLS: Don't sweat it, man (LUCAS claps) Look, (points) I got a feeling there's something about to happen to you ... real big, right around the corner (LUCAS claps his hands for the ball) Check (SKILLS throws the ball to LUCAS who throws it into the hoop and makes the shot, SKILLS grabs the ball) [DAN SCOTT Residence-Living room] (Helicopter view of DAN lying on the couch with the ceiling fan on looking at one of his trophies. He sits up and YOUNG KEITH is sitting to his right, DAN places trophy on coffee table) DAN: (not bothering to look at Y.K) Thought I was rid of you? (little mad) Guess you're not accepting my offer YOUNG KEITH: There's only one way to get rid of me, Danny ... (whispers) I think you know what it is (Camera moves to DAN and it slowly starts zooming out as he stares at the coffee table. It zooms out to his trophy and more out to show a gun lying on top of a book on the coffee table and DAN just stares at it) [NATHAN and HALEY's Apartment-Bedroom-night] (NATHAN walks in and closes the door carefully. He walks over to the bed and HALEY is lying there, her back facing him, she is wide awake but I don't think he realizes that. NATHAN stands by the drawer as he takes out his keys, miscellaneous items etc) HALEY: (back facing NATHAN/teary) You keep going to that bridge (NATHAN looks at her) I never thought I'd be jealous of a river NATHAN: (sighs) You know how much I like the water HALEY: I'm really trying not to be jealous and I want to be understanding but, uh (NATHAN leans on drawers) it's really hard with you sneaking around NATHAN: (shakes head/whispers) I'm sorry HALEY: I don't want you to be sorry, I want you to let me in ... whatever it is, you know? ... even if it has suh--something with Rachel ... even if you like her (voice breaking) I just want you to tell me (NATHAN stands and walks to HALEY at bed) NATHAN: Do you think I like Rachel? Haley, I was just, I was just talking to her about the accident (NATHAN sits on the bed and HALEY moves to looks at him, still lying down) NATHAN: (looks down) I just wanted to know if she saw him, too HALEY: (confused expression) Saw who? NATHAN: (sighs) Keith (looks at HALEY) I think he's the one that pulled me out of that car (HALEY lies on her back) I'm nobody's hero HALEY: Why didn't you tell me? NATHAN: Because I thought it would go away--I thought basketball would fix it, but it didn't HALEY: Nathan (sits up) your problems are my problems ... I want us to figure this out together (looks at NATHAN for a moment) ... and you're wrong (HALEY grabs NATHAN and pulls him down with her on the bed. He positions himself on top of her) HALEY: You're my hero NATHAN: (sighs) So you don't think I'm crazy? HALEY: No, I do not think you're crazy (NATHAN plays with HALEY's hair) HALEY: ... You think I'm fat? NATHAN: What?! ... Of course not HALEY: Do I have a little head? NATHAN: (reassuringly) No ... I love your head (laughs) come here (NATHAN kisses HALEY on the forehead and she smiles) HALEY: ... So that's why you keep going down to that bridge? (NATHAN shakes his head with a "Yep" expression) NATHAN: For that and ... (NATHAN reaches into his pocket and pulls out the cracker jack bracelet he gave her in season 1 which is also the bracelet HALEY put on him seconds before the limo was going to fall in the river) NATHAN: ... this (puts it on HALEY) I love you, Haley HALEY: (smiles) I love you, too, Nathan Scott (NATHAN and Haley kiss) [RACHEL's Bedroom] (A shot of someone holding NATHAN's plaque that was given to him at the game. The camera moves out to show RACHEL looking at it, she is lying down on her bed in her room, belly down) [PEYTON's Bedroom] (PEYTON is on her computer and gets a message that says its from "dsommers86@ th.na.net " below that says "Subject: Hello Peyton!" and below that says "To: " Peytonsgt@ th.na.net" it also shows a paper clip and next to it reads "1 attachment" titled "PetyonPic.jpg" there is a message below that reads "Had a great time 2nite. Thought yyou might like this pic.") (PEYTON clicks. It's a picture of her at the game that DEREK took) LUCAS: (v.o) You ever look at a picture of yourself and see a stranger in the background ... (PEYTON looks surprised, but in a good way, and smiles) LUCAS: (v.o) ... It makes you wonder how many strangers have pictures of you [The River Court-Basket ball court-Night] (LUCAS and SKILLS playing basketball) LUCAS: (v.o) How many moments (LUCAS passes the ball to SKILLS) of other peoples lives have we been in (SKILLS runs and makes the shot) [RACHEL's Bedroom-Night] (RACHEL asleep hugging NATHAN's plaque) LUCAS: (v.o) Were we part of someone's life when there dream came true ... (Camera moves to BROOKE's bed who's not facing RACHEL and she is crying) LUCAS: (v.o) ... or were we there when there dreams died [NATHAN and HALEY's Apartment-Bedroom-Night] (A close up of NATHAN's chest with his hand on his heart. HALEY's puts her hand on his hand, she's wearing the bracelet. Camera zooms out to show HALEY asleep) LUCAS: (v.o) Did we keep trying to get in ... (Camera moves out and NATHAN is also asleep, his arm around HALEY) LUCAS: (v.o)... as if we were somehow destined to be there ... [DAN SCOTT Residence-Living room] (YOUNG KEITH sits there and looks over at DAN who is lying on the couch with a drink in his hand as he stares into outer space) LUCAS: (v.o) ... or did the shot take us by surprise [PEYTON's Bedroom] (PEYTON is by her bed looking at something. She then goes over to her wall and puts up the picture DEREK took of her the camera zooms into the picture until that's all the screens showing, "PeytonPic" when it zooms out there is a wall plastered with pictures of PEYTON, they are overlaid over each other so you can't even see the wall color--you know the kind of wall that psycho's have when there obsessed with someone? It's DEREK's Hotel Room) LUCAS: (v.o) Just think ... you could be a big part of someone else's life ... (The camera moves over the wall to show all the many different pictures, the thing is most of these pictures where taken and PEYTON wasn't aware of it, some of them are from a couple years back, there are a couple of "Angel of death Peyton" some in black and white, there is one with her and LUCAS walking that morning after breakfast with DEREK) LUCAS: (v.o) ... and not even know it (DEREK stands in front of his "Psycho wall-Peyton pictures" and sits on the desk leaning on it, holds up a pair of scissors and the "AOD Peyton" picture that she gave him and starts cutting, the camera starts exiting and the door closes)	Plan: A: a post-game party; Q: Where do Lucas and Brooke clash? A: Haley; Q: Who realizes that Rachel is plotting to seduce Nathan? A: Rachel; Q: Who reveals that she knows who is pregnant? A: Peyton; Q: Who connects with her half-brother? A: Skills; Q: Who takes the court with the Ravens basketball team? Summary: Lucas and Brooke, now broken up, clash at a post-game party and Haley realizes that Rachel is plotting to seduce Nathan. Meanwhile, Peyton connects with her half-brother, Rachel reveals that she knows who is pregnant and Skills takes the court with the Ravens basketball team.
The War Games By Malcolm Hulke and Terrance Dicks 5:15pm - 5:40pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1, INT: LANDING BAY (Lieutenant Carstairs is pointing his gun squarely at Zoe's chest with an impassive, sightless look on his face.) ZOE: Well what are you doing? It's me, Zoe! CARSTAIRS: You're a spy...German...spy. It's my duty to shoot you. (Carstairs grips the sensitive trigger of his revolver and with a metallic clicking the barrel moves towards a fresh bullet, the hammer beginning to draw back...) SCIENTIST: Carstairs! (The Scientist has appeared behind Carstairs with a squad of guards, evil-looking stun-guns slung over their shoulders.) SCIENTIST: Well done Lieutenant you've captured a dangerous spy! CARSTAIRS: Yes...and this time she won't escape. SCIENTIST: Lieutenant we mustn't kill her. CARSTAIRS: She's a spy, she must die. She...must... (Carstairs relaxes his grip on his weapon.) SCIENTIST: Lieutenant Carstairs, I am your superior officer, you will obey my commands. (Carstairs lowers his weapon and stands to attention.) CARSTAIRS: Yes sir. Prisoner delivered sir. SCIENTIST: Take her away - security section. (The guards take Zoe and march her away.) SCIENTIST: Now Lieutenant, we have work to do. Come with me. (He leads Carstairs away in the opposite direction) [SCENE_BREAK] 2, INT: BARN (Von-Weich is standing in the barn with a gun at his chest held by a member of the resistance. Jamie and Lady Jennifer turn from where they are sitting on two bales of hay.) JAMIE: You realise we have saved your life? (Von-Weich remains stoically silent.) BUCKINGHAM: I don't think he's going to be grateful. We're lucky they didn't kill all three of us. (Jamie sees Harper walk by and calls out to him.) JAMIE: Look, how long are we gonna be kept here? HARPER: Until Russell arrives - he'll decide what to do with you! JAMIE: Well who's Russell? HARPER: He's our Captain, he'll be along. (Harper walks over to Von-Weich.) HARPER: Where is it? (He grabs the officer by the scruff of his neck.) HARPER: Are you gonna tell me where that tunnel is?! BUCKINGHAM: What tunnel? HARPER: Look we've been watching this place, it's where the recruits keep coming from. BUCKINGHAM: But what makes you think there's a tunnel? HARPER: Come on we've seen the recruits come out of here. JAMIE: Look, there's no tunnel! They come out of a big green box, a-a sort of machine! HARPER: A what? Machine? (He glances at Jennifer.) HARPER: Look is he crazy or somethin'? BUCKINGHAM: I know it's difficult to believe, but it is true - I've seen it myself. HARPER: Oh come on, quit kidding about huh? We've got to find that tunnel. JAMIE: But even if you do find out how the troops get here, what good is it going to do you? HARPER: Maybe we can get out of here back to where we came from! BUCKINGHAM: Where do you think you are? HARPER: Look I don't know, all I know is I was brought here and I wanna find my way out, right?! (Spencer, an old weasly-looking redcoat with a beard and a Yorkshire accent strolls in and fiddles with his rifle for a moment. He looks spitefully at Harper.) SPENCER: You found your tunnel yet? HARPER: Oh we're still lookin'. SPENCER: The supplies are loaded, let's get out of here. HARPER: Not until we find that tunnel! SPENCER: There's no tunnel! We've got the supplies, let's go. (Spencer turns and aims his rifle at Von-Weich.) HARPER: Hey do you think you are doing? SPENCER: We can't afford to take prisoners! (Not wanting to let Spencer get the upper hand, Harper grabs the rifle and struggles with him.) HARPER: Oh no you don't! (Harper forces the redcoat down to the floor, the rifle clattering away. Spencer tries to pick up the rifle, but Harper steps on his hand. Spencer counters by butting him in the stomach and punching Harper. While they are fighting there is a moment where Spencer gets the rifle back and almost shoots Harper, but a member of the resistance who are watching the fight in amusement, pulls it away. While the resistance fighters are watching the tussle on the floor, Jamie silently mouths "Now! Come on!..." to Lady Jennifer, and they tiptoe out towards the door... Before they can escape a stocky Boer War soldier strides in cutting off the escape. The soldier withdraws a revolver from his holster and fires two shots into the air causing everyone on the barn to stop what they are doing and look. With a stern expression he rushes towards Harper and Spencer who are kneeling on the floor glaring at each other.) RUSSELL: Get up. (They don't move, so the soldier yanks them up by their collars.) RUSSELL: UP! You're just like a couple of kids aren't ya? I leave you alone and you start fighting amongst yourselves! SPENCER: He started it, you ask any of 'em! HARPER: We were taking prisoners, he wanted to shoot 'em! (Spencer rushes at Harper with a growl, but Russell yanks him back again and holds him by the scruff of his neck.) RUSSELL: Alright Alright! Spencer, take those stores over to our HQ. (Knowing when his is beaten Spencer grumpily obeys and leaves, Russell prods at Harper.) RUSSELL: You ought to know better Harper. HARPER: He wanted to shoot him, I couldn't let him! (Jamie creeps up behind Von-Weich who has silently wandered towards the back of the barn and grabs him.) JAMIE: Look at that! Now do you believe us? (As Jamie pulls Von-Weich back, a secret panel in the wooden wall of the barn falls open. Within the space are the controls and screen of a video link...) [SCENE_BREAK] 3, INT: SECURITY ROOM (A guard leads Zoe through a door into the Security Room, the two sections of the door gliding down and sliding left to close. She is pushed into a white formica bucket seat. The room is weird sixties pulp-sci-fi decor to the very extreme, with more than a touch of Wonkaland to it. The wall and door Zoe was led through floor is decorated in a mass of concentric circles spilling out over the floor. To the sides of the room, the edges of the ceiling and floor have curious diagonal panels which are studded with rows of curious metallic bristles. Towards the back is a railed-off, raised upper level in which there are more bristling panels, and a large black chair, upon which is sat an odd piece of apparatus.) ZOE: Oh what's gonna happen? What are you gonna to do to me? (The guard remains silent.) ZOE: Well you might answer me! (The Security Chief strides towards the rail and looks down. He is a sinister man with round glasses and a nasal voice.) SECURITY-CHIEF: You are the one who will answer the questions. ZOE: Who are you? I won't tell you anything! (The Security Chief picks up the apparatus, a truth-machine which is shaped like a strange kind of helmet, from the chair and descends a set of steps. He places the machine on his head and pulls down the a hinged visor in front of his eyes. He adjusts the power with a knob at the side and a light beams from the end transfixing Zoe.) SECURITY-CHIEF: What is you name? My name is... ZOE: Zoe Herriot. SECURITY-CHIEF: To which resistance group do you belong? When did you join the resistance? ZOE: I did not join the resistance SECURITY-CHIEF: I joined the resistance (Zoe looks confused.) SECURITY-CHIEF: What time do you come from? ZOE: The twenty-first century. SECURITY-CHIEF: Impossible, there is no twenty-first century Time Zone. I was born in... ZOE: I was born in the twenty-first century. SECURITY-CHIEF: Try again. (He turns up power and Zoe begins to show signs of strain.) ZOE: Ooh! SECURITY-CHIEF: I was born in... ZOE: I was born in the twenty-first century. SECURITY-CHIEF: You were first reported in the nineteen-seventeen Time Zone. ZOE: Yes. SECURITY-CHIEF: How did you get there? ZOE: I arrived in the TARDIS. SECURITY-CHIEF: TARDIS? What does that mean? ZOE: Time and relative dimensions in space. It's a space ship. SECURITY-CHIEF: You have a space ship? ZOE: The ship belongs to the Doctor. SECURITY-CHIEF: I'm going to show you some photographs. You will identify anyone know to you, particularly this doctor! (A series of images is superimposed over Zoe's face.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4, INT: PROCESSING ROOM (The Doctor bumbles into the room from the central quadrant without looking where he is going. The processing room is small and doorless. One wall seems to be decorated by some kind of slides, the other wall is made from panels each with a filigree metal pattern. To the rear is a collection of large inflated balls.) SCIENTIST: What are you doing in here? (The Doctor turns to see the Scientist.) DOCTOR: Ah hah-ha yes, I was so interested in your demonstration I-I felt I had to come along and see how you were getting along. SCIENTIST: But you... There's a security alarm out for you! DOCTOR: Really...why? SCIENTIST: The War-Chief, he pointed you out. DOCTOR: Oh no-no-no. Not me, the girl! SCIENTIST: Then why did you run? DOCTOR: Ehm...Well I was, I was trying to catch her of course! Has she been caught? SCIENTIST: Yes. I sent her to the security section for questioning. DOCTOR: Oh good. How're you getting on with him? SCIENTIST: I was just about to reprocess him. DOCTOR: Oh yes, this is interesting. I think you'll find that bit goes just there. (He places a magnetic block onto the control panel.) DOCTOR: Erm, will there be enough of these advanced models ready for our major plan? SCIENTIST: If I knew the precise timing of the plan that would be easier to answer. DOCTOR: Oh but surely you must know, in your position... SCIENTIST: Yes of course, just as you do. But only the War-Chief knows the timing. Now really, I am very busy... DOCTOR: Oh I...I would consider it a great honour if I could simply stand and watch. SCIENTIST: Oh very well. DOCTOR: Thank you. Haha! What are we doing now? SCIENTIST: I am about to de-process him just as you suggested at my lecture. DOCTOR: Oh I see yes, this is intriguing... Ah-ah... Will he remember everything when he wakes up? SCIENTIST: Yes, he'll remember everything. Uh, would you strap him down please? As soon as the de-processing has completed everything will return to normal. DOCTOR: Oh...oh, yes. Certainly. (He pretends to tie Carstairs down. The bleeping of the machine reaches a peak then dies away as the Scientist turns off the machine.) DOCTOR: There we are! Is the de-processing complete? SCIENTIST: Yes. CARSTAIRS: Oh where am I? (Looks around and then sighs reassuredly.) CARSTAIRS: Oh, Doctor! SCIENTIST: You, he recognises you! You're one of... (He chases the Doctor around the couch that Carstairs is lying on.) DOCTOR: Oh no, please argh...hurt him...get it off... (Carstairs springs up and grabs the Scientist.) DOCTOR: No, don't hurt him...put him on there. In the machine quick! (As Carstairs holds the Scientist onto the chair, the Doctor clamps the processing-machine around his head and turns on the power. The Scientist convulses under the power of the machine.) SCIENTIST: Bph! DOCTOR: Haha! Hoist with his own petard! Come along Lieutenant! (Carstairs stands by the machine looking a little dazed.) DOCTOR: Lieutenant? CARSTAIRS: Doctor where are we? DOCTOR: What? Well what do you remember? CARSTAIRS: Well I remember you and Lady Jennifer... And I was captured wasn't I? DOCTOR: Yes that's right, unfortunately. And brought here, to the aliens war centre and brainwashed again, but you're alright now. CARSTAIRS: Oh I see! DOCTOR: I'll explain as we go along, we must find Zoe. (They both leave, then the Doctor slinks back to where the machine is still busily processing the Scientist. He turns down the power a bit and feels the Scientist's forehead.) DOCTOR: Oh...oh. Better leave him on simmer. (He dashes out after Carstairs.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5, INT: BARN (Russell glances at the video link.) RUSSELL: You expect me to believe all this? JAMIE: Yes! They use that thing to talk to each other! (Russell reaches towards the video link.) JAMIE: Ah d-don't touch it! BUCKINGHAM: It works like a telephone. RUSSELL: And you say that something appears in the middle of the barn and hundreds of men get out of it; a box? JAMIE: Aye, we've both seen it! (Von-Weich breaks free from Jamie's grasp and presses a control, Jamie rushes up and grabs him again.) RUSSELL: What's that noise? JAMIE: Don't know. (Von-Weich leers.) VON-WEICH: You'll find out soon enough! [SCENE_BREAK] 6, INT: CENTRAL-CONTROL (A technician sits at a control panel.) TECHNICIAN: This is Central Control, what is your emergency? This is Central Control, what is your emergency? [SCENE_BREAK] 7, INT: SECURITY ROOM (The War-Chief glares coldly at the Security-Chief.) WAR-CHIEF: Did she identify her friends? SECURITY-CHIEF: No, they are not on our files of resistance people. WAR-CHIEF: Then they must be a small independent group. SECURITY-CHIEF: Yes, five of them. First reported in the nineteen-seventeen Time Zone. One has been caught and is being reprocessed, two believed to be still at large in the American Civil War Zone. WAR-CHIEF: And one still at large in this control. SECURITY-CHIEF: He will be caught! WAR-CHIEF: He's evaded your security guards so far, perhaps he will continue to do so? (He grabs Zoe's head in his hands and snaps it up so he can see her face clearly.) SECURITY-CHIEF: From which time does she originate? WAR-CHIEF: She was a nurse like the other girl. Nineteen-Seventeen. SECURITY-CHIEF: And the man? WAR-CHIEF: The same, nineteen-Seventeen. SECURITY-CHIEF: Why did they come here? WAR-CHIEF: They had some confused idea they were getting home. SECURITY-CHIEF: She told you nothing else? Everything quite straightforward? WAR-CHIEF: Yes. The normal pattern of resistance activity - did you expect something else? (The Technician dashes into the room and stands to attention.) TECHNICIAN: Emergency call from the American Civil War Zone sir. WAR-CHIEF: What's wrong? TECHNICIAN: The signal was activated, but there was no message, no contact at all. WAR-CHIEF: Alright, I'll deal with it. (Turns to the Security Chief.) WAR-CHIEF: Come with me. SECURITY-CHIEF: But the girl! WAR-CHIEF: She can wait. [SCENE_BREAK] 8, INT: CENTRAL QUADRANT (The War-Chief strides out of the Security Room and away. The Doctor cautiously moves through a keyhole-shaped arch into the area, Carstairs beside him, and points.) DOCTOR: That must be the Security Room. (They flatten themselves against the wall as the Security-Chief follows the War-Chief, starchily looking forwards.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9, INT: SECURITY ROOM (The Doctor creeps into the room, past a guard and over to Zoe.) DOCTOR: Zoe, what have they done to you? (The guard covers the Doctor with his weapon.) DOCTOR: Don't you point that thing at me! (He walks to the side of the room, the guard turning to keep him covered with the weapon.) DOCTOR: You ought to be ashamed of yourself treating a poor girl like... (Carstairs pulls out his gun and pistol whips the guard into unconsciousness from behind.) DOCTOR: Oh well Done. (The Doctor pulls out a phial of smelling salts and wafts it under Zoe's nose. Gradually she comes to.) DOCTOR: There we are, now are you feeling better? ZOE: Oh my head! What happened? DOCTOR: That's was just the question I was going to ask you - what did happen? ZOE: They questioned me. Someone came in, put on that strange headset and questioned me. DOCTOR: Well let's have a look. (He fetches the truth-machine.) DOCTOR: Oh yes, it's a very interesting little gadget. ZOE: I saw pictures of people. DOCTOR: Really? Oh, well let's try it shall we? (He places the machine on his head.) DOCTOR: Now then... Where does this switch...oh yeah, oh...with a slight a adjustment... (With a twiddling of the knob an image is superimposed that alternates from Russell to Harper.) DOCTOR: There we are, yes. What questions did they ask you about these people, Zoe? ZOE: He was talking about the resistance. At first he seemed to think I was one of them. DOCTOR: Ah yes, the resistance, of course. Yes... (He adjusts the machine a bit more and different images spring forth.) DOCTOR: That's the American Civil War...the nineteen-fourteen/eighteen war, yes it's all recorded here. Scattered groups of resistance. Now if we could organise... (The Doctor replaces the truth-machine where he found it.) DOCTOR: Zoe, could you remember all the details of the resistance members from that thing? Names, faces, Time Zones and so on? ZOE: Yes, of course I can. DOCTOR: Good. Then we can return to the Time Zones and organise the resistance groups into one big army! That way they'd have a better chance. CARSTAIRS: But how do we get back? DOCTOR: Well that's simple - the way we came! Come on. ZOE: Oh Doctor, are you sure? (They all exit.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10, INT: CENTRAL-CONTROL (The War-Chief and the Security-Chief have returned with the technician to his post.) TECHNICIAN: Still no message sir, just the emergency signal. WAR-CHIEF: Well? This is your sphere of responsibility. (He walks away.) SECURITY-CHIEF: Arrange transportation for guards. TECHNICIAN: Central control to Landing Bay, transportation required for security guards. SECURITY-CHIEF: Security squad to report to the Landing Bay immediately. Proceed to American Civil War Zone to investigate the reported emergency. [SCENE_BREAK] 11, INT: CENTRAL QUADRANT (The Doctor, Zoe and Carstairs are walking from the Security room when the squalling alert siren sounds, they rush towards the Landing Bay at an increased pace. Behind them marches a squad of guards, but they turn towards the right and walk away. The Doctor and co. creep back, and he peeks after the guards.) ZOE: What was all that about? DOCTOR: I dunno, but they're going to the Landing Bay. Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] 12, INT: LANDING BAY (The Guards walk down the ramp and arrange themselves in a line. The Doctor, Zoe and Carstairs watch from the shadows as a SIDRAT appears.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13, INT: BARN (Harper walks through the doorway and over to Russell.) HARPER: I've posted sentries all around. If they should send in any troops our outposts will warn us. RUSSELL: Good. BUCKINGHAM: What if they come in one of those things the Doctor went off in? JAMIE: Aye, that's what they'll do! That way they can attack us from inside! RUSSELL: They've got to get inside first! JAMIE: No you don't understand... (There is a sound of materialisation.) JAMIE: Quick, hide! In here Lady Jennifer. (They all scramble for cover as a SIDRAT fades into view. The door scrapes open and two black rubber guards step out, weapons held high, and make for the door. Harper runs from cover and tries to attack them, but they swing around fire their stun-guns at him in unison. Harper is momentarily held up by the terrific rippling force of energy swirling around his body, then as the guards cease firing he slumps to the floor, dead. The rest of the resistance fighters descend on the guards and hold them, removing their weapons.) RUSSELL: Well er... (One of the guards is still struggling.) SOLDIER: Grr..'old it there! JAMIE: Well we dealt with those alright didn't we? (Grabbing one of the guards stun-guns, Russell rushes to Harper's body and examines it.) RUSSELL: There's not a mark on 'im! But he's dead. (He tinkers with the weapon.) RUSSELL: But what are these things, how do they work? (The end of the stun-gun swings round in Jamie's direction as Russell absent-mindedly plays with it.) JAMIE: Hey, careful! RUSSELL: They don't work. JAMIE: Aye, well you probably have to do something very special with them. (Russell stands up, his revolver in his right hand and touches the side of the SIDRAT with the other.) RUSSELL: Your green box machine. JAMIE: Aye! this is just what we need. [SCENE_BREAK] 14, INT: WAR ROOM SECURITY-CHIEF: This emergency call could be resistance activity. There is a large group operating in the American Civil War Zone. WAR-CHIEF: There seem to be large groups operating in most Zones, and now they're even infiltrating here. SECURITY-CHIEF: Only two of them and one of those has already been caught. WAR-CHIEF: Had I not pointed them out you wouldn't have even known they were here! SECURITY-CHIEF: Yes, that has been puzzling me. Just how did you recognise them? WAR-CHIEF: You dare cross-question me?! The security of this entire venture is being threatened by your incompetence, you will find this intruder! SECURITY-CHIEF: The whole base is being searched, it is only a matter of time. If the mental processing were fully effective... (The War-Chief smiles coldly.) WAR-CHIEF: There would be no need for security. When I came to your people I was promised efficiency and cooperation. Without the knowledge I have, this complete venture would have been impossible! SECURITY-CHIEF: We have given you every facility. If you have complaints I suggest you take them to the War-Lord! WAR-CHIEF: I intend to do so! And now I suggest you finish the interrogation of that girl before she escapes as well! (The War-Chief strides out of the room leaving the Security-Chief standing on his own. Silently he crushes one of the tiny model soldiers in his hand) [SCENE_BREAK] 15, INT: SECURITY ROOM (The Security-Chief returns to the Security Room to find the guard unconscious and the prisoner missing. He rushes over to the guard and attempts to shake him into consciousness.) SECURITY-CHIEF: Where is the girl? You fool, where is she?! [SCENE_BREAK] 16, INT: BARN (Jamie is still trying to cajole Russell into taking a trip in a SIDRAT.) JAMIE: Do you not see though? This thing could take us all back to the place where it's controlled from! RUSSELL: How do you know? JAMIE: Oh, where do you think those two came from?! RUSSELL: Well is it true? Answer me! VON-WEICH: Do you think I'd help you? RUSSELL: You'll do as you're told! Take those two away! JAMIE: Now look, you want to find out what's going on don't you? (Russell looks hesitant.) JAMIE: Och, I can't wait for you to make up your mind! (He walks to the open SIDRAT door.) BUCKINGHAM: Oh, wait for me! JAMIE: Ah, now Lady Jennifer, I don't think you should come. BUCKINGHAM: Because I'm a woman? JAMIE: Er, well no...er, well in a way, yes. BUCKINGHAM: That settles it then. I'm certainly coming. You can't go alone! (Lady Jennifer's instant volunteering has shamed Russell.) RUSSELL: No, you're right miss, he can't. I'm going with 'im. But you're staying here. BUCKINGHAM: Oh now look here! RUSSELL: You're a nurse you said? BUCKINGHAM: Yes, but what's that got to do with it? RUSSELL: I've got hundreds of injured men back at my headquarters. They need the help of someone like you. (She sighs.) BUCKINGHAM: Yes I suppose you're right. Tell Lieutenant Carstairs that... Well tell him I'll see him when we all get back. JAMIE: Right. BUCKINGHAM: Well, good luck. (Lady Jennifer offers Jamie her hand and he shakes it.) JAMIE: Oh...thank you. RUSSELL: Take her back to our headquarters. (He salutes Lady Jennifer.) RUSSELL: Thank you Miss. (Pulling out his revolver again he gestures at the guard beside Von-Weich.) RUSSELL: You. Guard him. If he gives you any trouble, shoot 'im! You two, you're coming with me. Come on move! JAMIE OOV: Door's closing! (Russell and his soldiers walk into the machine and with a warm sparkling it vanishes. Von-Weich leers and nods.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17, INT: PROCESSING ROOM (The Security-Chief walks in with two guards to find the Scientist still simmering in the processing-machine. He opens the clamp to release him.) SECURITY-CHIEF: What happened? (The Scientist groggily looks at the Security-Chief.) SCIENTIST: Wha...that young officer got away. SECURITY-CHIEF: How? SCIENTIST: Oh the one in the lecture who asked all the questions he tricked me. I must report this to the War-Chief. SECURITY-CHIEF: No! (He glances at the guards.) SECURITY-CHIEF: You two, wait outside. (They leave.) SCIENTIST: But he must be informed. SECURITY-CHIEF: These people are no ordinary resistance group. SCIENTIST: The girl said they have the secret of space/time travel. SECURITY-CHIEF: That's impossible. SCIENTIST: She was under the truth-machine. SECURITY-CHIEF: But the War-Chief... He's the only one who understands space/time travel. SCIENTIST: And his people. SECURITY-CHIEF: What are you suggesting? SCIENTIST: He is not one of our race; who knows where his true loyalties lie? SECURITY-CHIEF: But he came to us of his own accord. SCIENTIST: He is a traitor to his own people. How can we be sure he is not a traitor to us? (The Scientist slowly nods) [SCENE_BREAK] 18, INT: WAR ROOM (The technician sits monitoring the communications.) TECHNICIAN: Transportation returning from the American Civil War Zone sir. WAR-CHIEF: Good. TECHNICIAN: But they're not following the routine sir, they haven't called in. WAR-CHIEF: Have you tried to make contact? TECHNICIAN: Yes sir. WAR-CHIEF: Alright inform the Security-Chief... (He thinks for a moment then puts an arm out to stop the technician.) WAR-CHIEF: No! No, I'll handle this myself. (He moves to a station and activates the communicator.) WAR-CHIEF: This is the War Chief to security section. All guards to Landing Bay, the following procedure to be carried out... [SCENE_BREAK] 19, INT: LANDING BAY (The Doctor, Zoe and Carstairs crouch in a dark corner and watch as a technician adjusts a complex set of magnetic blocks and bars on the main control panel.) ZOE: How long have we got to wait here Doctor? DOCTOR: Until one of those things arrives. If I can get inside I'm-I'm sure I can control it. (The alarm squawks through the Landing Bay.) CARSTAIRS: The alarm signal, they've probably found that guard. DOCTOR: The light's flashing, that means an arrival. (A line of guards file down and take up positions on the ramp, their stun-guns raised.) ZOE: It looks as though somebody important's coming. (As the sound of an arriving SIDRAT echoes through the Landing Bay the guards drop their weapons from the raised position. The door to the green box scrapes open and Jamie, Russell and the resistance soldiers cautiously wander out into the Landing Bay not seeing the guards on the ramp. Zoe turns to the Doctor and whispers.) ZOE: It's an ambush! (But they can do nothing but watch as the guards discharge their stun-guns with deadly accuracy into the unsuspecting crowd of resistance fighters. One by one they all drop, and the last to fall under the lethal onslaught is Jamie.)	Plan: A: The Doctor; Q: Who tries to rescue Zoe and Carstairs? A: the resistance; Q: Who do Jamie and Lady Jennifer try to convince of the true nature of Von Weich and the others? Summary: The Doctor attempts to rescue Zoe and Carstairs while Jamie and Lady Jennifer try to convince the resistance of the true nature of Von Weich and the others.
The Smugglers 5:50pm - 6:15pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1. THE CHURCH CRYPT (The series theme music ends. The serial title appears on the screen over the image of CHERUB's knife sticking out of the dead body of KEWPER.) THE SMUGGLERS (The serial title fades out. The writer credit appears.) by BRIAN HAYLES (The writer credit fades out. The episode title appears.) (The episode title fades out. The scene widens to a full view of the crypt. CHERUB is descending the stairs with his pistol drawn, and he has just thrown his knife into KEWPER's back. CHERUB takes aim at the SQUIRE, and shoots him in the shoulder. The SQUIRE collapses.) POLLY: (Screams.) Ben, do something. BEN: You maniac! CHERUB: Is there any more that fancies a free trip to Davey Jones, eh? (CHERUB retrieves his knife and wipes the blood off onto KEWPER's body.) DOCTOR: By stabbing a man in the back, sir? You had us all at your mercy. There was no need for you to kill Kewper. CHERUB: I fancy better odds than five against one, Sawbones. DOCTOR: What is it you want of us? CHERUB: Why, the secret, of course. Where Avery's gold lies. DOCTOR: And suppose we refuse to tell you? CHERUB: Do you fancy these lads of yours meeting their maker so young, eh Sawbones? (POLLY has gone over to tend to the SQUIRE.) DOCTOR: I'm not going to barter with you, sir. Where is your captain? CHERUB: Oh, you fancy you'll twist him round to your way, would you? DOCTOR: He would at least listen. CHERUB: Not here, matey. There's only one skipper here - me. BEN: You're alone, then? CHERUB: That's right, matey. But I'm no fool, so... (CHERUB flashes his knife towards BEN.) CHERUB: ...one false move and I'll split you in two. DOCTOR: Leave this to me, Ben my boy. CHERUB: That's right. Let the old fellow do the talking cause he knows the answers. POLLY: But what about the Squire? He's badly wounded. He needs help. CHERUB: Let him rot, the blockhead. POLLY: But he needs water. DOCTOR: Have some mercy. CHERUB: Mercy. (Chuckles.) Why not? What's a moment's kindness? Here, give him this pannikin. Come. (CHERUB beckons POLLY, but when she comes to fetch the flask he grabs her and holds the pistol to her head.) CHERUB: That's better. Now Sawbones, talk or the young lad dies. [SCENE_BREAK] 2. A ROAD IN THE COUNTRYSIDE (BLAKE continues to ride his horse hard on his way to get reinforcements. Suddenly he is thrown from his horse.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3. THE CRYPT DOCTOR: (To BEN.) We must play for time, now. Trust me. BEN: All right, you're the gov'nor. CHERUB: Enough jabbering, Sawbones. Where's it hid? DOCTOR: Well, I must admit the Churchwarden did tell me something, but to be quite honest with you, I am baffled. CHERUB: What's the puzzle? DOCTOR: The dead man's secret key, eh, Ringwood, Smallbeer and Gurney. Were these names of villages around here? CHERUB: (Laughing.) No, no. I know those names. Old Jack Ringwood. He had a wooden leg. He was the finest master gunner that never served his king. DOCTOR: And Gurney, what was he? CHERUB: Old Zeb, the ship's chandler. A fellow that sewed many a merchant into a sail cloth nightgown. POLLY: What? CHERUB: A sailor's shroud to you, boy. And Daniel Smallbeer, there was a man. Fight along the side of him and he was like a killer whale. DOCTOR: Good men, I take it? CHERUB: All four of them, aye. POLLY: Four? CHERUB: Four. Tim Desmond, he were Avery's galley boy. Now what else did he tell ye? DOCTOR: Eh, nothing I'm afraid. Eh heh, nothing. CHERUB: Nothing? Did you say nothing? (CHERUB tightens his grip on POLLY.) DOCTOR: Now don't be hasty, please. I said I needed your help. Now this is how... CHERUB: And that's all he told ye? Four names? Four names to Avery's gold? SQUIRE: Avery's curse, what of that, eh? (The SQUIRE, lying wounded, has propped himself up on a column.) CHERUB: Avery's curse you can have that for the sharks. SQUIRE: It's a curse men fear. Remember Avery's end? Did he not die a pauper? CHERUB: Aye, rotten with rum and madness in his tongue. SQUIRE: They say he bargained for his life: his soul in return for the souls of those who come after, seeking and finding the cursed treasure. CHERUB: And if you so believed it, why did you seek the gold, eh sir Squire? SQUIRE: Because I was a fool and ill led. Answer enough lies there, surely. (SQUIRE indicates KEWPER dead on the ground.) CHERUB: Enough of this. Old man, you know more and I will hear it said. Tell me now what the riddle means or in one minute's time... (CHERUB threatens POLLY with the pistol.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4. THE BEACH (PIKE and his band of pirates land on the beach and drag their boats ashore. They prepare to head up to the church.) GAPTOOTH: Quietly, my beauties. Quietly. PIKE: Spaniard, find Cherub for me, wherever he is. (SPANIARD moves off and the rest continue their way up the shore towards the church.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5. THE CHURCH YARD (PIKE enters the deserted churchyard, and then summons the others with a fake bird call when he sees the coast is clear. They move silently to the tomb, and PIKE presses the release switch. The tomb slides open and the pirates push the lid off to see the stores within.) PIKE: Belay that. Gaptooth, there's your loot. GAPTOOTH: It's all ours, captain. Is it to be carried back straight away? PIKE: Nay. Unload the tomb. Set the goods upon the shore. We go at my signal. GAPTOOTH: It'll be dry work, Captain. PIKE: Broach a cask, then. GAPTOOTH: Aye aye, sir. PIKE: When it be finished. GAPTOOTH: Uh, aye aye, sir. Uh, Captain, inside... is there more loot there? PIKE: Did I say there was? (PIKE brings his hook up angrily to GAPTOOTH's throat.) GAPTOOTH: No, no! PIKE: Do as ye bid, ye dog, or I'll leave ye in the coffin as a souvenir. GAPTOOTH: Aye aye, captain. Get to it, lads. (GAPTOOTH and the others begin working while PIKE moves towards the church entrance.) PIKE: Cherub. Fie! Where's Cherub? [SCENE_BREAK] 6. ANOTHER COUNTRY ROAD (BLAKE and the militia make their way back to the church.) BLAKE: Hurry along you men. SOLDIER: Idle dogs. On, men. [SCENE_BREAK] 7. THE CRYPT CHERUB: Your time's up Sawbones, so speak. PIKE: What would you have him say, Cherub boy. CHERUB: Oh, you're here at last, Captain. I've got him for ye. PIKE: For me, you say? CHERUB: Of course, Captain. PIKE: Cherub, you deserted the ship. CHERUB: Nay, Captain. I knew there was some trickery afoot. Didn't I say so, time and again? PIKE: I never did trust that tongue of yours, Cherub. It was a might too like the archangel's. CHERUB: But I found the Sawbones, didn't I? PIKE: Aye, and you'd have found the gold too, eh? CHERUB: But I was making him talk, Captain. See? (CHERUB pulls POLLY closer to demonstrate his methods.) CHERUB: He spoke of holy Joe's riddles. He was going to spill the whole cargo. I wasn't going to let no one do you down, Captain. PIKE: No, Cherub? CHERUB: Well, he'd have nabbed it all for himself, see? He'd have done for us both. PIKE: Would he now? Do for Pike, would he? So that's the game, eh Sawbones? BEN: Look, the Doctor wouldn't cheat no one. (When PIKE turns away, CHERUB turns his pistol on him. With a quick move, PIKE knocks the gun from CHERUB's hand. Polly screams. CHERUB releases POLLY and draws his own sword.) PIKE: By the black Albatross, ye met your doom now, my Cherub. CHERUB: Not from such a black pig as ye. (They begin fiercely clashing swords.) PIKE: I'll quarter ye, ye rat faced smiler. Only watch the hook, boy, for when it whistles then it is the end of ye. (They continue fighting.) POLLY: Doctor, it's just like the Squire said. Avery's curse. [SCENE_BREAK] 8. THE CHURCH YARD (The pirates have stopped their work and have began opening casks of rum.) GAPTOOTH: Come on now, you bilge breath. Get on with it. SPANIARD: Ah stow it, Gaptooth. (They all groan.) GAPTOOTH: And you, Spaniard, do as you're bid. (There is laughter as they poke fun at GAPTOOTH.) GAPTOOTH: If Pike finds you idling here you'll lose your ears as well as your tongue. (More laughter, and then GAPTOOTH threatens one of the others.) PIRATE: Cut him, Will. GAPTOOTH: Stop. Beware of Pike. Now you've earned your... your jot and you shall have it. But you Spaniard, and you David - to the beach with you. (SPANIARD and DAVID leave while the rest get back to work.) GAPTOOTH: Here. [SCENE_BREAK] 9. THE CRYPT (PIKE and CHERUB continue fighting, while The DOCTOR, POLLY and BEN look on.) BEN: Right, now's our chance. Down the tunnel. DOCTOR: Yes, get Polly back to the TARDIS, and I will follow immediately Blake returns with the men. POLLY: But I can't leave you here alone. DOCTOR: There is no other way, child. Without either of you they can't hold a hostage for me to force my hand. BEN: Yeah, that's true. But, suppose they start on you? DOCTOR: Ah, I've done it before, my dear boy. We must play for time. (CHERUB grabs KEWPER's pistol from beside his body, and fires it at PIKE. However, this time he misses. BEN: Right. Come on. Back to the TARDIS. (They all move towards the passage.) DOCTOR: Quickly. Quickly. I somehow don't think that master Cherub will be the winner. (BEN opens the passage door.) BEN: Right, I'll give you fifteen minutes. If you're not back by then I'm coming for you. (The DOCTOR grunts and waves them on.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10. INSIDE THE PASSAGEWAY (BEN and POLLY head down the tunnel towards the waiting TARDIS.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11. THE CRYPT (CHERUB has lost his sword during the fight, and now tries throwing his knife at PIKE. But again, he misses. PIKE sees his opportunity now that CHERUB is unarmed, and he stabs CHERUB in the chest with his hook.) PIKE: Well my Cherub, you'll not need prayers in this company, eh? (CHERUB falls and PIKE gloats over his body.) PIKE: Back to your Hell hole, Cherub. (PIKE now rounds on the DOCTOR.) PIKE: Now old man, the time has come. DOCTOR: I think we agreed on that point previously. PIKE: The secret. DOCTOR: My dear captain, I had every intention of telling you. PIKE: And that's why ye fled me ship? DOCTOR: I had no choice. My friends are in danger. PIKE: Aye, those two lads. Where are they stowed away, Sawbones? Is there another passage out of this crypt? SQUIRE: Tell him nothing. PIKE: Still alive, eh, gentleman Squire? SQUIRE: Aye, I'll live to see you hanged. PIKE: Think ye so? (PIKE moves to finish the SQUIRE off.) DOCTOR: Stop! I made a bargain with you, sir - gave you my word. Don't you want me to keep it? PIKE: Aye. That sounds like the foolishness of an honest man. Speak on. DOCTOR: I wish to keep my side of the bargain, but I want to change the terms of my plan. Eh, that is, if I may. [SCENE_BREAK] 12. THE BEACH (SPANIARD and DAVID come down to the beach. They put down their load and decide to pass their time waiting by exploring a cave along the beach wall. There they stumble upon the TARDIS, and decide they should stand guard over it should anyone come to claim it.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13. THE CRYPT (PIKE and the DOCTOR continue their negotiations.) PIKE: Strange terms indeed. DOCTOR: I prefer to call them humane terms. PIKE: And ye want none of the gold? DOCTOR: I would rather not touch it. PIKE: Ha. Heard of Avery's curse, eh? DOCTOR: I have given you all my reasons. I want no part of the gold. Though perhaps I can deliver it to you immediately. PIKE: If I keep my lads out of the village? DOCTOR: There is no need for innocent people to suffer. SQUIRE: Well said, Doctor. Well said. PIKE: I like my lads to be happy, Sawbones. That way they work well. SQUIRE: You'd have Avery's gold and our stores, would you villain? Will nothing satisfy you? PIKE: Oh, we have an uneasy conscience, have we Squire? Ye lily-livered rogue! Ye dare to call to call me villain? SQUIRE: Oh, I've been a rogue. I frankly admit it. The generosity of this stranger has shamed me. But, I never spilled blood in my villainy. I beg you as a fellow rogue, if you must. Spare my poor villagers. PIKE: When the fever is in the lads' bones, nothing but blood will slake it. DOCTOR: Senseless destruction. PIKE: 'Tis by way of being a pastime with us gentlemen of fortune. Why should I stop them? SQUIRE: So, you admit it to be difficult, eh? You'd rather let them run mad than test their obedience, eh Captain? PIKE: No man defies me and lives to speak of it. SQUIRE: No, but you'll not give that one order, eh? A highly disciplined crew, in truth. PIKE: They'll do as I bid or die of it. SQUIRE: Would they? PIKE: Aye, they would. DOCTOR: Prove it. PIKE: Aye, I will. When I have the gold. DOCTOR: I suppose we must trust you? PIKE: Aye, ye must. And take heed of Cherub yonder, eh Sawbones? DOCTOR: Have no fear, Captain. I am not likely to try and cheat you just as he did. PIKE: Out with it, then. Show me the gold. [SCENE_BREAK] 14. CLIFF TOP APPROACHING THE BEACH (BLAKE and the militia march closer to the church.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15. FURTHER INSIDE THE PASSAGEWAY (POLLY and BEN continue to make their way towards the TARDIS.) BEN: Come on, Duchess. We're nearly there. POLLY: Oh, good. (Polly stumbles.) POLLY: Ah, ooh! BEN: You OK? POLLY: Oh, yes. (POLLY rubs her sore ankle.) POLLY: How much further is it? BEN: I told you, we're nearly there. It's only about another hundred yards. POLLY: Well, look. You go back and get the Doctor then. BEN: But, will you be all right? POLLY: Yes, I'll be fine. Look, hurry. I'll see you back at the TARDIS. BEN: OK then. (BEN begins to move back the way he came, then stops and turns back to POLLY.) BEN: Polly. POLLY: Yes? BEN: Put the kettle on. POLLY: Hmm. (BEN leaves and POLLY slowly begins making her way down to the TARDIS.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16. THE BEACH (BLAKE and the militia arrive on the beach below the church. He divides his forces into two parties. One, lead by a sergeant of the militia, have instructions to go up the path to the church.) BLAKE: All right sergeant, off you go. The rest of you come with me. (BLAKE leads the rest of the troops along the beach to approach the church up through the tunnel.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17. THE CRYPT (The DOCTOR and PIKE continue their talk about the gold's whereabouts, with the DOCTOR trying to prolong the discussion as much as he can.) DOCTOR: Now, let me see. The Churchwarden set me a riddle which involved four names:... (The DOCTOR points to graves as he calls the names.) DOCTOR: ...Ringwood, Smallbeer, Gurney and Deadman, which should be on that wall, sir. PIKE: The four names of Avery's crew in the old days. DOCTOR: Ha, yes, it's there... just there. PIKE: How come those names here? They died on the seven seas, all of them. DOCTOR: The original names were changed by the Churchwarden. PIKE: Aye. Like a marker, eh? DOCTOR: Yes, that is correct. And unless I am very much mistaken, sir, this flagstone is at the intersection of those fateful names. (PIKE inspects the stone.) PIKE: Aye, and 'tis loose. Stand aside. DOCTOR: Indeed, I think that is what you seek. (PIKE furiously tries to lift the stone with his hook. Once the stone is moved he looks into the darkness there.) PIKE: What's this? I see nothing. DOCTOR: Well, how deep is it? (PIKE thrusts his arm into the gap.) PIKE: Still nothing, blast your eyes. Nay... Nay... What's this? (Laughing, Pike pulls his arm out of the hole, and dangling from his hook are strings of pearls.) PIKE: What now? Ha! What price your damned Avery now? What now, Squire? (While he continues to gloat, the sounds of shouting and gunfire can be heard outside.) PIKE: What's that? If that is a trap, Sawbones, I swear you'll lie beneath that slab yourself. (PIKE moves to the crypt entrance and calls above.) PIKE: Ahoy there. What's afoot! What in Hell's name? Gaptooth, answer! [SCENE_BREAK] 18. THE CHURCHYARD (The militia have surrounded the pirates. Shots are fired and swords are clashed, and though they fight hard it is clear the pirates are outclassed. The militia reload their muskets and, with a great cry, charge forward to storm the church.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19. BEACH NEAR THE MOUTH OF THE TUNNEL (POLLY comes out onto the beach and screams as she is grabbed by SPANIARD and DAVID. She manages to escape their grip and runs back up the tunnel. They follow her.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20. THE PASSAGEWAY (SPANIARD overtakes POLLY, and DAVID moves further up the tunnel to investigate.) POLLY: Ben! (Hearing the noise, BEN returns and finds DAVID deeper in the tunnel. They struggle and BEN manages to overpower DAVID. BEN the goes to find POLLY, and he and SPANIARD meet up and begin fighting.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21. THE BEACH NEAR THE TUNNEL ENTRANCE (BLAKE leads his band up to the tunnel entrance.) BLAKE: Come on. (Cautiously, they move in.) BLAKE: All right, come on. Now quietly. [SCENE_BREAK] 22. THE TUNNEL (SPANIARD is winning his fight with BEN. He manages the throw BEN to the ground and is about to deal the killing blow. Suddenly BLAKE enters and fires his pistol, hitting SPANIARD.) POLLY: Mister Blake, thank heavens. BLAKE: Now stand aside, boy. Our work lies above. Keep close ... commands. BEN: Hang on, Blake. I'm with you. Polly, go on back to the TARDIS and wait for us there. OK? POLLY: All right. (POLLY watches as they move up the passageway to the church crypt.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23. THE CRYPT (PIKE is trying to grab the treasure while urging his men to fight on.) PIKE: Fight, ye black-hearted sons of traitors. There's gold for ye all if we can but board the Albatross. (The pirates are one by one being felled by the militia. The DOCTOR moves through the chaos towards the tunnel entrance. BLAKE and BEN emerge from within.) BLAKE: Pray, stand aside, good old man. In the king's name! (Following his cry, the militia who came up through the tunnel with BLAKE join the attack. PIKE spots the DOCTOR through the melee.) PIKE: Sawbones, ye Neptune's curse. Ye've laid a trap and for that you'll die by the pike. (PIKE begins making his way towards the DOCTOR, but has a hard time wading through the fighting.) BEN: Come on, Doctor, now let's get out of here. DOCTOR: No, I must try and help the Squire. (They push though the battle to the SQUIRE.) DOCTOR: Oh, thank heavens you're still alive, sir. (To BEN.) Let's try and get him out of here. (Together BEN and the DOCTOR lift the SQUIRE and begin moving him towards the exit. Meanwhile BLAKE is trying to reach PIKE, but can't get to him for all the fighting. He calls out over the turmoil.) BLAKE: Captain Pike, surrender I say. PIKE: And give over this treasure? Never! (PIKE has worked his way closer to the DOCTOR, who is being slowed down by the injured SQUIRE.) PIKE: Sawbones, I'm coming for ye. See if your magic will help you now. (PIKE finally manages to find an opening in the fray and lunges forward to where the DOCTOR is. He raises his hook to strike the DOCTOR down.) PIKE: Here's an end to ye, Sawbones, damn your eyes. (The SQUIRE holds PIKE's arm back just long enough for BLAKE to shoot him. PIKE collapses and slowly dies. The DOCTOR and BEN use the distraction to quietly slip away down the tunnel.) BLAKE: Thank you Squire. The day is ours. SQUIRE: Yes, quite so, quite so. I think we've managed very well, you and I. BLAKE: But where's the old man? I would offer my gratitude to him. (BLAKE looks to the passageway and knows they are gone.) BLAKE: Godspeed, old man. [SCENE_BREAK] 24. THE BEACH BY THE TUNNEL ENTRANCE (BEN and the DOCTOR emerge onto the beach, where POLLY is waiting near the TARDIS.) POLLY: Thank heavens you're both safe. Doctor, are you all right? DOCTOR: Oh, a little exhausted, my dear. Otherwise I'm all right. Come along, let's get off. (The DOCTOR unlocks the door and they all board the TARDIS.) [SCENE_BREAK] 25. THE TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM (BEN and POLLY stand around the console talking while the DOCTOR sets the controls to dematerialize.) BEN: Yeah, I thought the Doctor nearly had it when old Pike got going. POLLY: What happened? How did you all escape? BEN: Well, Blake's mob beat them. POLLY: So they're all dead then, the ones who wanted the treasure. DOCTOR: Yes, superstition is a strange thing, my dear, but sometimes it tells the truth. [SCENE_BREAK] 26. THE BEACH (The TARDIS fades away leaving the empty beach behind.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27. THE TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM POLLY: Where will we go to now, Doctor. Will we go forward or back in time? DOCTOR: I have no idea. I have no control over such matters. BEN: Well, it better be 1966 or I'm in dead trouble, Doctor. Well, anyway, wherever it is, it can't be as bad as going back to them days. DOCTOR: My dear boy, it could be a great deal worse. (The DOCTOR chuckles, while BEN and POLLY begin shivering.) POLLY: What's happened, Doctor. I'm freezing! BEN: Yeah, it's getting right parky in here. DOCTOR: Just look up at that scanner. (They all turn and face forward, where the scanner apparently is.) DOCTOR: We have arrived at the coldest place in the world. (The image of them looking on in amazement holds while...) [SCENE_BREAK] (...the closing music and credits fade in.) NEXT WEEK THE TENTH PLANET [SCENE_BREAK] (The title fades out and the screen fades to black. The actor credits begin to scroll up.) [SCENE_BREAK] (After the designer credit rolls up and off the black screen, the producer credit fades in.) [SCENE_BREAK] (The producer credit fades out. The director credit and BBC logo fade in.) [SCENE_BREAK] (The BBC logo fades out to the black background. The series theme music ends.)	Plan: A: Avery's treasure; Q: What is Cherub seeking? A: Pike; Q: Who is preparing to attack the village? Summary: The Doctor and his friends are at the mercy of Cherub, who is now seeking Avery's treasure for himself, while Pike prepares to attack the village.
[Scene: The Movie Set. Dawson and Todd are walking through the set, and Dawson is writing some notes into a notepad, while Todd is ranting on as usual.] Todd: This is all wrong! The only way it could be any wronger is if I paid them to get it this wrong and they botched it up! There's a DVD player in the living room! Funny, that... given as this movie's supposed to be set in the seventies! Dawson: I took care of it, also got rid of the CDs and the laptop. Todd: Bloody idiots! [Grabs a cigarette] Light? Dawson: Sorry, no. Todd: What'd you say to me? Dawson: Your grandfather died of lung cancer. It took you 6 months to quit. You told me under no circumstances was I to let you smoke no matter how much you begged or bribed. Todd: I was just kidding, mate. Dawson: Sorry, can't do it. Todd: I'll give you $12,000. Dawson: Uh-uh. Todd: wnkr. This is what I get for signing on to this hillbilly circus. Could have been directing a music video in Paris right now for one of those homosexual crooner bands, you know, instep or backdoor boys or whatever. But no--I have to choose my art. So I really want to get in close on Natasha's nipples, so stick the a/c on them, make sure they really pop, ok? Dawson: Classy. Todd: Right. Oh, and you may or may not know, but the lovely Natasha can be a bit of a Dawson: Handful. Todd: I was gonna say pain in the ass, but ok. So let's keep her happy. Dawson: Right. Todd: By any means necessary. It's gonna be a big night. It's an important scene... so everything has to go perfectly. Dawson: Relax. It's the first day. Pace yourself, man. It's gonna be fun. Todd: Yeah. Your idea of fun is my personal hell. Right. Send Natasha to my trailer. It's time for "the crazy diva actress tells the director her thoughts on the scene so we can pretend her opinion actually matters" talk. Dawson: Uh. Natasha's not here yet. Todd: You're telling me shooting starts in one hour, and our lead actress Dawson: at the airport being picked up by Phil the P.A. Todd: No, she isn't. Dawson: Yes, she is. Todd: No. I fired Phil the P.A. This afternoon. Dawson: Why would you fire Phil the P.A.? Todd: Because Phil the P.A. Gets all huffy when people throw cell phones at his head for buying the wrong kind of batteries. Dawson: You threw a cell phone at his head? Todd: That's not the point. The point is... that our decidedly difficult lead actress is, as we speak, sitting on an airport curb waitin' for no one! And shooting starts in 57 minutes! Dawson: I'll get her. Todd: Go! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! [Dawson runs off] [Opening Credits] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Hell's Kitchen. Joey is sitting at the bar reading a book. Eddie comes walking up from behind her from one of the tables. Eddie goes behind the bar and begins stocking it.] Eddie: Isn't the paper on that due on Monday? Joey: Shut up. Eddie: Oh, wow. Page 109... you'd better get cracking. Joey: Oh, my god. Will you please go away? Eddie: Sorry. So...what do you think so far? Joey: If I tell you, will you leave me alone? I think it sucks. Eddie: Huh. Joey: Oh, what, just because every quasi-bohemian hipster with pretensions of literary greatness worships at the altar of Kerouac, that means I should, too? Eddie: No. Joey: It's just boring. And it meanders. And there's no story. It's just one long run-on sentence. It's all macho posturing and misogyny. Eddie: Hmm. Joey: Excuse me? Eddie: I didn't say anything. Joey: Yes, you did. You said hmm. Eddie: Did I? Joey: Yes, you did. In a very loaded way, I might add. Eddie: Well, it's nothing. I just...I'm learning about you. Joey: And what the hell does that mean? Eddie: Nothing. Chill. Joey: Just because I don't like a book means I'm deficient in some way? Eddie: No, no. I just thought that your opinion was interesting. Joey: Look, I don't need you to patronize me. Eddie: Oh, my god. Why are you so angry? Joey: I'm not angry! Eddie: Yes, you are. Joey: No. I'm angry at no one. Eddie: I didn't say you were angry at someone. I just said you were angry. Joey: Well, I'm not. Eddie: Is it a guy? Is--is it a guy? Are you angry at a guy? Joey: Oh, right. Because that's what it always is, isn't it? I don't like you, therefore, it must be because some guy broke my heart. It just can't be because you're objectionable in any way. Eddie: Really? You don't like me? Joey: You know what? I need to get back to work, so can you please stop talking to me? [Telephone rings] Eddie: Wow. Whoever this guy was, he really must have done a number on you. Joey: You know what, Eddie? You've now crossed-- [Telephone rings] Eddie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Ahem. Hell's kitchen. Yeah, we do deliveries. Yeah, well, yeah... that's, uh... that's a pretty big order. Let me check. All right. [Eddie puts the phone down and walks off to the back room. Joey tries to go back to reading] [Scene: The Stock brokerage. Pacey is sitting at a desk in the empty office reading some material. He is studying hard when his phone rings. He reaches up and answers it.] [Telephone rings] Pacey: Audrey. Audrey: How did you know it was me? Pacey: Well, I'm psychotic. Audrey: You're late. Pacey: Yeah, I know. Look... I don't think I'm gonna make it. Audrey: No! No, no, no, no. Pacey, you cannot bail out on me! I haven't seen you in days--like actual days. Plus, we have this monster bash to attend this evening, and the festivities have already begun over here, so you better get your butt in gear pronto, and I don't wanna hear any of your lame excuses. Pacey: I gotta study. Audrey: No, Pacey, you gotta be with your girlfriend tonight. I'm beginning to forget what sx is like. I may be forced to shag a stranger to remember. Pacey: Ok, look, tomorrow night... I promise you an all-night Witter-Liddell shag fest of epic proportions. Plus...I'll do that thing that you like... you know, with the, uh... Audrey: with the thing? Pacey: Yes. The thing. Audrey: Deal. But you know, this stupid series 17 thing Pacey: 7. Audrey: Whatever. It better be over with soon, because mature, responsible Pacey... he's kind of a big, fat drag. Pacey: Duly noted. Audrey: All right. You're absolved. Go be studious and boring, my love. Pacey: And you go be debaucherous and silly, and I will talk to you in the morning. I love you. Audrey: Yeah, yeah. [Scene: Hell's Kitchen. The other side of the conversation. Audrey is there with Jen and Jack who are playing darts while she is on the phone.] Audrey: Hey, you guys? I think I'm gonna go home. Jen: What? Are you insane? You can't go home! Tonight is only like the biggest and best party of the year. You can't leave! You can't not come! Jack, back me up on this. Jack: Eh. You know... Jen: What are you saying? Jack: Well, I'm saying, you know, I'm a little tired and Kate and Leopold's on cable tonight. Audrey: Really? Jen: Kate and Leopold? Jack: Yeah. Hugh Jackman's a hottie. Jen: No! No, you guys, I worked really hard all week long. I have earned this night of debauchery and hedonism. I wanna get drunk at a party, I wanna make out with a stranger, and it's all for naught if you guys aren't there to witness it and make fun of me in the morning. Jack: Ok! Jen: Really? Audrey? Audrey: I'm in. I'm in. Jen: Yay! Ok, all right. Let's make a pact. Tonight we are going toe fun. We are going to dance on table tops. We are going to scream "whoo hoo." In short, we're gonna party like it's 1999. Now, come on... [She puts her hand out and the others put their hands on hers] whoo-hoo! Audrey: Whoo-hoo! Jack: Whoo. [Scene: The Airport. Dawson goes running through the airport, looking for Natasha, and finally finds her sitting on a set of benches waiting impatiently.] Dawson: Natasha. Natasha: Nonsense. I totally don't mind sitting here waiting for an hour. My ass is not the least bit numb. Dawson: [Exhales] [Scene: Dawson's Car. Dawson is Driving Natasha back to the movie set, and Natasha is sitting very stubbornly in the passenger seat.] Dawson: So... listen... Natasha: I need Evian water and Altoids. Dawson: I got 'em. Glove compartment. [She looks at him with a smirk] So...big scene tonight, huh? You nervous? Natasha: No. See, uh... that other actor... he's not really gonna strangle me, Dawson. It's... it's just pretend. [She takes a drink out of one of the tiny airport bottles of alcohol.] Dawson: Are you...drinking? Natasha: You're smart. Dawson: Do you really think you should Natasha: I'm fine. Stop off if you see a florist. I want to get Todd some lilies. Dawson: I don't think there's one on the way. [They drive past a florist] Natasha: Right there, right there! Pull over. Dawson: We're really late Natasha: You wanna get me mad? 'Cause if I show up on set mad... [Scene: The stock brokerage. Pacey is still studying when Rich comes walking in with several other guys, and he goes over to Pacey's desk.] Rich: Come on. We're gonna hit some clubs. You're comin' with let's go. Pacey: I can't do it, m. I gotta study. Rich: Sorry. Did I say that like it was a question? Pacey: What? Rich: We're gonna hit some clubs. You're comin' with. Let's go. Pacey: No. I'm serious. I really gotta study. Rich: Do you see those guys? Do you notice that not one of them works out here with you grunts? That's because they're your bosses. Not your co-workers, not your colleagues. They hold the future of your career in their hands, so think hard, Pacey, before you say no. Pacey: Well, I should call my girlfriend. Rich: That's adorable. Do it later. Grab your coat. Let's go. [he heads towards the others] Rich: Ready, gentlemen. [Scene: The Movie Set. Natasha and Dawson are just arriving at the set. Natasha is carrying a very large bundle of lilies. They head over to Todd who is sitting in a director's chair impatiently waiting their arrival.] Natasha: Oh, my god! Look at all the lights! Dawson: How much did you actually drink? Natasha: Oh, Donald. Don't be such a Spongebob Squarepants. I only had a little nip. Dawson: Why you keep calling me Donald? Natasha: Well, I think we can both agree Dawson's a stupid name. Plus, you look like a Donald. Or if you prefer--Ronald. [They walk up to Todd] Natasha: Todd! Todd: Welcome to Boston! You're radiant, darling! You're late! Natasha: Donald got lost. [She hands him the lilies] Todd: They're lovely. Are you ready for the scene? Natasha: Got it all up here! Todd: Great. We're running a wee bit behind schedule, so why don't you pop off to wardrobe? Natasha: Sure! [She starts walking away] Todd: Wrong way, love. Natasha: Right. [She goes the other way] Todd: What the hell's wrong with her? Dawson: She's tired. Todd: Well, get her to wardrobe and get her some coffee! Dawson: Right. [Scene: Outside wardrobe room. Dawson and Natasha come outside. And Natasha almost falls down, and Dawson grabs her to help her stay up, and she pushes his hands away.] Natasha: Stop pawing at me, busy hands! I can't believe I actually let those hands touch me naked! Thank god nobody here knows I actually dated you! Dawson: Natasha, listen Natasha: So how's that old friend you dumped me for a couple of weeks ago? Didn't quite catch her name. Wait, it is a girl, isn't it? Dawson: She's fine. I Think. Natasha: Don't tell me she dumped you already. That is...so sad. Dawson: Natasha, listen, I'm sorry... about what I did to you. I don't blame you if you hate me. Natasha: I don't hate you. I pity you. Dawson: Well, let me help you. How 'bout I get you coffee or a bagel or something? Natasha: You wanna help me? You wanna help me. That is so sweet! Ok...I'll tell you how you can help me. Go to hell, Dawson! [She goes into her Dressing room and closes the door behind her.] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Movie set. They are starting the first shooting of the movie. Natasha comes running down the side street screaming, while a man in a mask is chasing after her.] Natasha: [Sobbing] No! Please, somebody, help me! No! Somebody please help me! Somebody please help me! No! [Choking] Aarrrhhh... [she breaks into laughter as the guy is faking choking her]ha ha ha ha ha! I'm gonna pee in my pants! Todd: And cut! Natasha: I--I'm sorry, Todd. Todd: That's all right, love. Go again. This time, remember... terror. Natasha: Uh-huh. [They start shooting again] Natasha: No! No! Please... somebody help me! Somebody help me-- whoa[They turn the corner and she trips and falls] ow, my boobs! Todd: And...cut. [Natasha laughing] [After many additional attempts] Natasha: No...no, please! No! No. God [She stops and accidentally nails the guy in the groin] Actor: Ow! Natasha: Oh! Oh, I got you in the whoo-hoo! Actor: Todd! I can't work like this! Todd: Cut. Is she drunk? [The actor storms off] Dawson: No. Todd: Dawson? Dawson: Maybe a little. [Dawson just looks at Natasha as the make-up people work on her. With disappointment across his face] [Scene: Outside a club. Rich and Pacey are walking out with the rest of the guys from work, and Rich is laughing at Pacey.] Rich: I must admit, I am impressed, Witter. Pacey: With what, exactly? Rich: Fully 3 hot women tried to hit on you in that last club, and you turned down every one. I don't think I could be that faithful to any girl. I don't care how hot she is. You're a better man than I. Pacey: You're right, but I think that one of those girls was a guy. Rich: Yeah, but I thought that was your thing. [Scene: Outside Hell's Kitchen. Jen, Jack and Audrey are all walking down the sidewalk after leaving, and are headed off to their party.] Audrey: [Audrey laughing] Ok, so...where the hell are we going again? Jack: House party. Audrey: Right. Right. And...where exactly is that? Jen: You don't know? Jack: I don't know. Audrey: I certainly don't know. Jen: Well, it's somewhere in Boston. Jack: Oh, yeah. Yeah, that helps. Audrey: Nice! [They continue walking some more] Audrey: Oh, you guys, you guys, I just remembered! It's down on Waverly road next to that giant supermarket that has the free aisle! Jack: Cool. Let's go. I'm cold! Jen: Drey, what's a free aisle? Audrey: The aisle with the little plastic bins filled with the food that you can snack on while you shop. Jen: No. Those are bulk bins. You're supposed to put the food in little plastic baggies and then pay for it. Audrey: Really? Jen: Yeah. [They round a corner and run into Rich, Pacey and the other guys] Rich: Hey, who's up for going to that strip club in Waltham? Audrey: Oh, my god. Pacey: Ok, Audrey, I tried to call you from wo [She storms past him and he grabs her arm.] Audrey: Don't touch me. Pacey: Can we just discuss this calmly, please? Audrey: What discuss? There's nothing to discuss. You lied. Pacey: I didn't lie. I was studying, and then this work thing just came up. Audrey: Since when does a bunch of jerks in suits stuffing dollars down a g-string count as work? Pacey: You can't possibly understand how important it is that these men invited me to come out with them. I couldn't say no. Audrey: I don't even know who you are anymore, Pacey. You're like some smarmy stockbroker guy. All you care about is your stupid job. Pacey: Because... I don't wanna live off mac and cheese and ramen noodles for the rest of my life, and that's how it will be for me if I don't bust my ass and play by their rules. I wish that I could continue ignoring reality, but I can't, because we don't all live in Audrey land. Audrey: Right. And I'm just some dumb, rich airhead who doesn't get it. Pacey: That's not what I'm saying. Audrey: Actually, I think it's exactly what you're saying. Pacey: Then I'm sorry...ok? I'm sorry. It's just that this job is important to me, and I like it and I'm good at it, and honestly, I wish you could be a little bit more understanding. I think I understand perfectly. Audrey: And I hope you have fun, Pacey. Come on, you guys. Let's go. Pacey: Audrey, come on! Audrey: Don't follow me! [She takes Jen and Jack and they all leave Pacey watching at they go. Rich comes up to Pacey.] Pacey: Shake it off, man. [Scene: Outside Hell's Kitchen. Joey and Eddie are loading up a ton of food into the back of a station wagon parked out front. Joey is just trying to load the car, and ignore Eddie in the process] Eddie: Big delivery, huh? [no answer] A lotta food. [No answer again]So...how's on the road? Joey: Fine. Eddie: What page are you on? Joey: Can we not talk? Do you mind? Eddie: All right. But I think I figured out why you hate it so much. Joey: Joy. Eddie: Yeah, I was thinking, how could anybody in their right mind hate such a beautiful book? And then I realized... it's because it makes you nervous. Joey: Really? Eddie: Yeah. Yeah, 'cause it's about people who don't follow the dominant path. You know, people who kinda just live on their impulses, and that makes a lot of people uncomfortable. Joey: Boring people? People who don't follow their impulses? Eddie: I didn't say boring, just, uh... safe. Joey: You don't know anything about me. Eddie: Except for the way people feel about books or movies or music. It says a lot. Joey: I'll let you know I follow plenty of my impulses. In fact, this summer on a whim, with almost no money to my name, I bought a ticket to Paris. Eddie: Really? You went to Paris. How was it? Joey: Well, no, I-- the point is that I could have gone. Eddie: So you didn't go. Joey: No. But the point is I could have. Eddie: Oh. And here I thought life was about the things you do, not the things you could have done. That's my mistake. [Joey turns to go back into the bar.] Eddie: Ho. Where you going? Joey: Uh, back to work. That's all of it. Eddie: Yeah, but you're comin' with me. Joey: No, I'm not. Eddie: How do you expect me to get all the food out of this car? Joey: Wendy can go with you. Eddie: No. Wendy is in the bar covering for me, which you're not qualified to do. Sorry. Let's go. [Scene: The Party. Jen and Jack are sitting at a couch and chair, listening to Audrey rant on, and you can see that obviously neither one of them are interested, but they continue to listen] Audrey: I mean, it's bad enough that he lied, but the fact that he would rather hang out with those guys than with me, I mean... oh, my god. I am sorry, you guys. Do I keep talking about this? Jack: No, it's fine. It's fine. Jen: Just a little bit. Audrey: Sorry! I forgot about our pact. We are supposed to be having fun. Jen: It's fine. Audrey: [Exhales] It's just... you know. You used to make fun of guys like that, you know? He never wants to have sx anymore. [They both cringe at the thought] Audrey: We're literally down to 3 times a week. [The cringe again, and en gets up] Jen: Oh, gosh, um, I need a beer. Be right back. [She walks up to the bar] Jen: Ok. Can I get a beer? Guy: You bet. There You go. Jen: Thank you. [She turns around and bumps into the guy from the help center and spills her beer on him] Jen: Oh! Oh, my god! Look what I did! C.J.: That's ok. It was my fault. Jen: Oh, no, jeez, you don't even-- you're[She begins trying to mop up the beer on his belly with some napkins] you don't even drink, and I'm sure it's cold and smelly and I'm touching you, and I'm gonna stop. C.J.: Hi. Jen: Ok. You caught me. I'm drunk. Yep, I'm a drunkard, escaping reality. That's me. But you know what? This is a party, and at parties, people drink, and maybe that bothers you, maybe you think it's weak, but you shouldn't go to a party where there's gonna be drunk people, because that's what's gonna happen at a party. There's drinking. It's just a party fact. [He just sits there letting her go on] C.J.: You think I'm the lamest, most square person on the earth, don't you? Jen: No! No, not at all. I'm sure you're, like... tons of fun. I'm gonna go. [Cut back to Jack and Audrey. Audrey is still ranting on to Jack, who is trying to act like he is listing, while secretly trying to figure a way to get away from her.] Audrey: It's not like I don't have a phone, you know? It's right here in my purse with me at all times, but has he even tried to call me? No. [Jack notices Professor Freeman come walking into the party. He sits strangely looking at him for a minute then decides to go over to him] Jack: Oh, my god! Uh...a yeah. Uh-- yeah. Yeah. [He gets up out of the chair and leaves Audrey and heads over to meet Freeman] Jack: Hey. Freeman: Hey. I'm so relieved to see a familiar face. Jack: What are you doing here? My god... I mean, not that I'm not glad to see you. I think it's cool that you showed up, but I didn't expect Freeman: You know, seeing as I teach what's generally considered to be a cool, non-stodgy topic, every once in a while, a student sees fit to extend an invitation. Usually in jest, I'm sure. Never thinking I'd actually show up. Jack: Hey, as long as you're here, why don't we get a beer? Freeman: Well that. Sounds like a plan. Jack: Cool. [Scene: The Movie Set. Joey and Eddie pull up to the set and stop. Joey suddenly realizes where they are delivering the food to.] Joey: Are we delivering the food to a movie set by any chance? Eddie: Yeah. It's some slasher movie, I think. Joey: Great. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The Party. Jen and Audrey are sitting at the couches with a couple of guys, and are playing Quarters. Audrey is clearly already drunk by this time. Jen just watches as Audrey takes her turn] [Coins clatter] [Giggling] Jen: Yeah! Whoa! I wanna go next. Guy1: Nice. Guy2: Now you gotta drink. Audrey: Ok, ok, ok. [Cell phone rings] Audrey: Ooh! It's me, it's me! Hello! Yeah, whoa-- will you just hold on a second, please? [Exhales] Deep cleansing breaths. Pacey... I--no. I just-- let me just say this. I wanna let you know that I am...so rich, I am such... a dumb... rich airhead that I am entirely capable of doing this! [She drops her cell phone in a glass full of beer] Jen: Oh, my god! Ha ha ha! You just totally drowned your phone! Audrey: I know, I totally did. Jen: Oh my god. [Laughing] [Audrey starts chugging her beer and the guy on the couch is moving a little closer to her and drinking with her.] Jen: Slow down. Audrey, seriously. Audrey: Ok. Whose turn is it? [Dropping coins] Audrey: Did you do that? You think they can fix that? Ha ha ha! [Scene: Movie Set. Joey and Eddie are just finishing setting up all the food. Joey is obviously impatient to leave.] Joey: Wanna go now? Eddie: No. Joey: Why not? Eddie: Because we have to be paid first. Joey: Fine. [Joey goes over to one of the people working on the set.] Joey: Excuse me. Hi. We brought the food. Woman: Oh, awesome! I'm starving. Joey: Actually, I was wondering... where do we get paid? Woman: Oh, talk to Dawson. He is... right... over there. Joey: Great. [She goes over to Dawson, who looks up surprised to see her] Dawson: Hey. Joey: Hey. Dawson: What are you doing here? Joey: Nice to see you, too. Dawson: Oh, I'm just surprised is all. Joey: I was... delivering some food, and I didn't know it was here until we got here. Believe me, had I known, I wouldn't have Dawson: all right. All right. It's ok. Joey: I wasn't exactly apologizing. Dawson: No, why would you? Joey: What does that mean? [Natasha walks up to join them. Todd comes walking up with her.] Natasha: Dawson, what are we doing? Todd: Grab a bite quick. I need you in makeup for the next shot. Hello, love. Nice to see you again. Joey: Hi, Todd. Todd: Uh, Natasha, have you met Dawson's friend-- Joey, isn't it? Natasha: Oh, my god. This is her, isn't it? Dawson: Natasha Natasha: You have the nerve to bring her here tonight, the girl you dumped me for after I gave you the best s*x of your life? Dawson: Can we Natasha: I'm just quoting you, Dawson. Sorry...you embarrassed? 'Cause I wouldn't want to embarrass Dawson leery, what with his chivalrous nature and oh-so-quiet dignity. See, Dawson's the kinda guy who'll walk a girl home, you know, help her over a rain puddle? Real gentleman. Then he'll sleep with her, tell her she's the best he ever had, and break up with her answering machine. So nice to meet you. I'll be in my trailer if you need me. [She storms off, and Dawson is left there with Todd and Joey, all looking at one another not knowing what to say. Joey leaves, and Todd just looks back and forth from the two women, then looks at Dawson with a smirk on his face.] [Scene: Outside the party. Jack and Professor Freeman are walking along the porch and come to the steps and sit down.] Freeman: I think my favorite is the one where they legalize gambling and Marge gets addicted. Although, the one where homer becomes a monorail conductor is awesome, too. Jack: Yeah. My favorite is when Selma...she marries troy McClure. Freeman: Ha ha ha! A classic. Classic. Jack: I can't even believe I'm having a conversation like this with my professor. Last year, I don't even think I knew who my professors were! Freeman: Really? Jack: Naw, it's... I was kinda... messed up. Academically speaking, anyway. Freeman: Well, I'm surprised to hear that. I think your work is excellent. I really enjoyed that last paper you wrote. Jack: Ah, well Freeman: it was great, jack. It was great. You have a natural gift for looking beneath the surface and seeing what's really going on. I don't find that in a lot of students. You should be proud. Jack: Thanks. But... I really, uh... enjoy your class. Freeman: Thanks. [Chuckles] You know, I met my wife at a party like this when I was in grad school. She had purple hair all the way down to her waist. Seems like a million years ago. She's pregnant. She just told me yesterday. She's at this conference in Philadelphia. I just couldn't sit in that apartment by myself. I'm just so... I don't know. Everything just... feels a little too real. Maybe that's why I came here tonight. Hey, I'm sorry. I shouldn't be telling you all this. Jack: No, no, it--it's ok. It's all right. I don't mind. Freeman: I just feel ridiculous being here. Jack: What? Ridiculous? It's ridiculous that you feel... ridiculous. Both: [Laughing] [Scene: The Strip Club. Pacey is try to call Audrey on his cell phone, but he isn't getting through. He eventually hangs up and turns to see Rich walking towards him] [Busy signal] Rich: All right. Am I gonna have to take that cell phone away now? Look, it's a bummer of a situation, but there are naked girls over there, Pacey, gyrating on stage for our hard-earned dollar bills. Many of them, perhaps, are single mothers or struggling co-eds. Don't you wanna help them earn a living? Pacey: Sure. But I just really messed up with my girl Rich: I know. I was there. Look, can we talk for real for a minute... without all that macho, competitive co-worker banter stuff? Pacey: Sure. Rich: All right. Here the thing. I can see you love her. Everything about you practically screams, "I am an idiot in love," and I recognize that because I was an idiot in love once, too. And I hurt her, just like you did. No. Worse than you did. And afterwards, I spent a whole night just trying to call her, crying my eyes out like a baby. She wouldn't take my call, so you know at I did? Pacey: What? Rich: Showed up at her house, knocked on her door. I didn't have any flowers, didn't hold a boom box over my head. It was just me and her. And I looked at her, and she looked at me, and I didn't need to say anything because we both knew that I loved her and I was sorry. That's why I don't think you need to sweat this. If you love her and you're sorry, she'll know, man. Pacey: Rich... you are... full of such unbelievable crap! Rich: Come on, that was gold! Pacey: You call yourself a salesman seriously? Rich: Fine. But I am right about one thing. There's nothing more you can do now, and you both need time to cool off, and you're here, so you might as well have some fun, don't ya think? Pacey: Yeah, sure. Rich: All right! So let's go see some strippers! Pacey: You look her in the eyes and you'll just know? Rich: You just know. You look at her... [Scene: The Party. Audrey is alone on the couch with the guy from earlier, and Audrey is really drunk at this point. Almost to the point of passing out. The guy is start to brush the hair from her eyes, and moving closer to her]. Jason: You're really cute, you know that? Audrey: Ha. Yes. I'm also... very dumb, though. And don't forget rich. Jason: I don't mind. Audrey: You're sweet, I think. Wha [They kiss, and then Audrey stops] Audrey: Sorry. Jason: Hey, hey! Audrey: Yup? Jason: Why don't we go find a place where we can be alone? Audrey: Ok. That sounds fine. [At the stairs of the party. Jen is talking to the guys friend by the banister on the stairs.] Jen: Yeah, um... I think they're ok, but I kinda prefer the white stripes. [She sees Audrey being led by the guy from the couch. [Jason laughing, Audrey whooping] Jen: Audrey. [She tries to get Audrey's attention as they walks past them up the stairs] Jen: Audrey! Hey, Audrey. 'Scuse us. What are you doing? Jason: We're going to the bedroom. Jen: Don't you think she's a little drunk? Jason: Don't you think you should mind your own business? Audrey: Hi. I'll be fine. Jen: Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait. Hang on. Wait--whoa. [The guy's friend that she was talking to steps in the way of Jen and prevents her from following Audrey up the stairs] Jen: What are you doing? Friend: Don't worry about them. Come on, we were talking about music. Jen: I'm gonna go talk to my friend. Friend: Your friend's fine. She's with my friend. He's a good guy. Jen: Why don't you get out of my way? Friend: Just chill out. We're having a good time here. Jen: If you don't get out of my way in the next 5 seconds, I will separate you from your genitalia. [C.J. comes walking up from behind Jen, hearing that she is upset about something] C.J: Hey, what's the problem? Jen: This guy won't let me through. His friend just took Audrey up to a bedroom, and she's about to pass out. Friend: Ok. That's not what's happening. Your psycho chick friend here is just freakin' out. Then it won't be a problem if we go check it out, will it? [C.J. Grabs him and shoves him out of the way, as he and Jen make their way upstairs.] [Scene: Upstairs bedroom. Jason opens the door and leads Audrey into the bedroom, and Audrey is having trouble just standing up. Jen comes running into the room and grabs Audrey by the arm.] Jen: Come on. We're going. Jason: Come on, leave her alone! [Jason tries to stop Jen, but C.J walks into the room and pushes him out of the way, and makes room for Jen to lead Audrey out while making sure that Jason can't interfere.] Jason: Hey, hey, hey, easy! C.J: Girls, why don't you get out of here? Jen: Oh, my god. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. It's ok. It's ok. [Scene: The movie set. Todd comes walking up to Dawson with a rather upset look on his face.] Todd: We need to talk. Dawson: Ok. Todd: I've just come from Natasha's trailer. Dawson: Yeah. Todd: Look, I don't know how else to say this. You screwed up, mate. She won't come out until you're gone. Which gives me no choice but to do something I really don't want to do, because you're the best assistant I've ever had and the only one on set I actually don't wanna fire. But for the sake of the film, it's exactly what I have to do. Dawson: I understand. Todd: Look, it's got me so upset, I'm smokin' again. Dawson: You shouldn't. Todd: Yeah, you're right. [Takes a big puff of the cigarette] Todd: We've got a bit of time before the next set-up. Why don't you say your good-byes, gather your things? And I want you to keep in touch. Maybe on my next film Dawson: Yeah, yeah. Todd: I'm gonna miss you, mate. [Todd walks away from him, and Dawson just looks around the set, taking in everything] [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Joey and Audrey's dorm room. Jen and C.J. are leading Audrey back to her room. Audrey is clearly drunk and upset. They arrive at the room and open the door. Jen leads her in, and then turns back to C.J.] Jen: You can go. I think I'm gonna stay here tonight. C.J: You sure? Jen: Yeah. C.J: Ok. [She closes the door, and Audrey has climbed into bed, and is there with tears in her eyes.] Jen: Hey... can I get you something like a glass of water maybe? Audrey: Will you just go? Jen: Audrey... Audrey: seriously, Jen... leave. Jen: I'll call you in the morning. [Jen leaves the dorm room and finds that C.J has just walks a little ways down the hall.] Jen: You're still here. C.J: Yeah, I was just... uh...gonna leave in a minute. Jen: I'm sorry. I guess I was kind of mean to you tonight at first, huh? C.J: No, not really. Jen: You know... what happened to Audrey tonight... it's happened to me before... more than once, and... to watch it... to watch her go through it was... just weird. Now you know what a mess I am. C.J: I don't think you're a mess. Jen: Well, then you haven't been paying very close attention tonight. C.J: No. You know... Jen, you didn't do anything wrong tonight. And whatever mistakes you have in your past, they're over, and they've obviously made you a more empathetic and more compassionate person, and I don't think that's such a bad thing. Jen: Well, that's a very nice spin, even if it's not true. C.J: It is true. You just have to learn to believe it. [Scene: The Movie Set. Dawson comes walking up to Joey carrying a Check. Natasha is sitting in a chair as the make-up person is working on her face and her hair, and she is close enough that she can see and hear everything that goes on between Dawson and Joey.] Dawson: Joey. Jen: Hi. Dawson: I was supposed to pay you for the food. I never did, so... [Paper crinkles] Here you go. Jen: Thanks. Dawson: So, listen, I...think I'm going back to California. 'Cause I don't really work here anymore. Jen: I'm sorry, Dawson. Dawson: Things happen. [Eddie is in the car waiting for Joey] Jen: I should probably... go. Dawson: Can I ask you a question? Jen: Sure. Dawson: Do you think it would have worked out between us if I--if we hadn't-- if things had been different? Jen: I don't know. I mean, that's the thing with us. They never are, are they? Dawson: No. I guess not. Jen: I think... in a way, that... it's good, you know? I mean, maybe it's the only way that we could finally stand on our own. You know, to... hurt each other so much that we have no choice but to let go. Maybe otherwise we never would. Dawson: Yeah. Maybe. Jen: I should go. Dawson: Me, too. [Natasha just watches as they part ways, and a sad look comes over her face] [Scene: Outside Jack's Apartment. Freeman and Jack pull up to his apartment. Freeman is giving him a ride home from the party.] Freeman: That one? Jack: Yeah, yeah. Well, thanks for the ride. Freeman: Sure. Thanks for taking pity and hanging out with me all night. Jack: I wasn't taking pity on you. Freeman: I know. It was just a joke. Jack: Oh. Ha ha. Freeman: I had fun, though, tonight. Jack: Yeah, I did, too. Freeman: And I needed it. I don't think I've felt so confused in my whole life. Here I am, I'm a married man, my wife is pregnant, and, uh... I'm showing up at a party just 'cause I'm hoping to run into, uh... a certain student. [Jack suddenly realizes that he meant him] I just shocked you, didn't I? You're shocked. Jack: Yeah, you did. Freeman: Well, you know, you can just, um... think about it... if you want, and... I'll, uh... I'll just keep teaching class, and I'll see you in the class. Jack: Yeah, uh... I--I'll see you later. Freeman: Right. Jack: Ok. I'll see you. Freeman: Ok. Jack: Bye. Freeman: Bye. [Jack gets out of the car and Freeman pulls away.] Jack: Oh, my god. [Scene: Joey and Audrey's dorm room. Pacey comes up to the door and knocks on it. There is a slight delay before Audrey comes and opens the door and stands in the opening.] [Knock on door] Pacey: Hi there. Audrey: Hey. Pacey: So...can we talk? Ok, well... ah...[Sighs] Can I just give you a call in the morning? [She doesn't answer] Audrey, I don't know what it is that you want me to say. I mean, I'm really sorry, but Audrey: Maybe... maybe you can just come inside and hold me. Pacey: Yeah, I can do that. [They go into the room and cling into bed, Audrey curls up in Pacey's arms] [Scene: The Movie set. Dawson is taking one final look around the set before leaving. He has a sad look on his face and we can all tell that this is killing him. Not to be able to live his dream. He turns to leave, when Natasha comes running up to him.] Natasha: Ok. Dawson, wait. Don't go. I, uh... I got you your job back. See, I was, uh... a bit crazy before. I, um... I saw that girl, and I freaked. Maybe partly because I was drunk... and, see, I was drunk because... I knew I was going to see you tonight. And I was afraid of that... because... well, uh... you really hurt me, Dawson. I mean really. I liked you a lot, and then you broke up with me on my answering machine Dawson: I know. I'm so sorry. Natasha: Yeah. But that's not why I got you your job back. Dawson: Ok...then why? Natasha: Because... I saw you out there talking to her. I saw your face when you were watching her leave, and I realized that... she hurt you way more than you ever hurt me. But you still hurt me. A lot. Dawson: I know. Natasha: I know you know. [There is a moment of awkward silence] Natasha: Come on. Todd says if you're not back on set in 5 minutes, you're fired again. [Scene: Hell's Kitchen. Joey and Eddie are cleaning up the bar at the end of the day.] Eddie: So, uh, that guy from the movie set... Dawson? Joey: Yeah. Eddie: So, he's, uh... Joey: He's no one. He's just an old friend. Eddie: Oh. Sorry. I didn't mean to pry. I just... Joey: Can I ask you a question? Eddie: Sure. Joey: Why do you like that book? It can't just be because it's about people who follow their impulses, because it still has no story, it meanders, and it's kind of misogynistic. Eddie: Yeah. Yeah, you're right. It is all those things. But I don't know, I mean... the first time I read it, it--it blew my mind. I mean, it's like this--this celebration of madness about people who aren't afraid, who take chances, people who really live. And I guess that I've always... wanted to be one of those people, you know? [Joey kisses him] Eddie: What was that? Joey: Just following an impulse. Eddie: No, you weren't. Joey: I'm sorry? Eddie: It's that guy. From the movie set. You're angry at him, and he hurt you, and that's how you chose to deal with it. Joey: Oh, thank you, Dr. Freud. Eddie: Tell me I'm wrong. Joey: You're wrong. Eddie: No. No, I'm not. Look...I don't mind you kissing me if it's because you want to kiss me, not for revenge or to help you forget someone else. Whatever happened between you guys, you're gonna have to deal with it. Yourself. Just--just you. [Moment of awkward silence] Eddie: Look, uh... I'll give you a ride home, ok? I'm just gonna... get my coat. [He leaves her alone to get his coast, and she just sits there thinking]	Plan: A: an awkward situation; Q: What does Dawson find himself in when he is put between Joey and Audrey? A: Joey; Q: Who is the leading man of the film? A: Audrey; Q: Who is the leading lady of Joey's film? A: another man's charm; Q: What does Audrey allow herself to be taken in by? Summary: Dawson finds himself in an awkward situation when he is put between Joey and the intoxicated leading lady of his film. Audrey allows herself to be taken in by another man's charm.
CYPRUS RHODES' CAMPUS Rusty: Greek Week's a bigger deal than I'd imagined. Calvin: Yeah, it's the biggest Greek-on-Greek competition of all. Rusty: Well, if our friendship's going to be tested anywhere, it's here. Which is why we are... Both Calvin and Rusty: Switzerland. Rusty: Cappie swears by their method of neutrality in dealing with Rebecca vs Casey. Calvin: Look, we survived six hours being trapped in Dale's car listening to Amy Grant, all right? Together we can withstand anything. Rusty: When he busted out the Christmas collection, you were... Calvin: I was ready to launch myself out a window. But I would've thrown you out first. Rusty: Now that's friendship. [SCENE_BREAK] Presenter: Welcome everyone to the 63rd Annual Greek Week Olympiad! I now give you the Parade of Houses. Alpha Sigma Rho. Beta Theta Tau. Heath: Where is he? Wade: I don't know. Where is it? Cappie: I don't know. Presentator: Gamma Psi Alpha. Cappie: Spitter! Evan: Pledge Owens! Rusty: Time to cross the border. Calvin: We'll always have Zurich! [SCENE_BREAK] Casey: We are so going to win again, I can practically taste our victory! Ashleigh: And what does it taste like? Casey: Cheesecake miraculously devoid of calories. Ashleigh: I don't know the Gamma Psi Alphas are looking pretty scary-buff this year.They've all have Madonna arms from doing power yoga. Casey: I will not be the first ZBZ president in ten years to give up this trophy. We are winners and cementing our winning status is going to be the cornerstone of my presidential campaign. I plan to be the legitimate, elected president of ZBZ. I am no Gerald Ford! Frannie taught me that one. But I don't want to get too confident. I must first focus on a Greek Week victory. Even the Ice Queen looks melty. Think about it: We escaped Myrtle unscathed by Logangate '08. Ashleigh: She looks so perky. Seriously, if my Dad did that... Casey: I don't care how she acts as long as the only perky thing she shows off this week is her attitude. Presentator: And our reigning sorority champions, Zeta Beta Zeta. This week's Greek Olympiad events include the Tug of War, Powder Puff Sorority Football game, the Human Pyramid, the Fraternity Cheerleading Contest, the Ultimate Relay Race... Cappie: Just look at the spectacle. This is even better than the ice-skating cows, Torino opening ceremonies, 2006. Wade: Cap's a big fan of the Olympics. Cappie: More than a fan. I'm an Olympic historian. Presentator: The reigning fraternity champions, Omega Chi Delta! Cappie: You know, the insurance salesmen convention's a few hundred miles to the left, in Toledo! Evan: Take a good look at that trophy. It'll be your only chance to see it up close. Cappie: I thought it was your Oscar for Best Actress in a Supporting Role, Evan-gelina Jolie. Evan: Laugh it up now. You guys are gonna be crying like little girls when we're done with you. Cappie: Like you cried when we beat you in beer pong? Evan: I was thinking mire like when we kicked your asses at floor hockey. Cappie: Hey, you won on a technicality. But since I'm so generous, we'll call it a draw. Greek Week is the tie-breaker. Evan: Yes, it is. [SCENE_BREAK] Frannie: Hey, Case, do you think later this afternoon we could talk? Gamma Psi Alpha sorority girl (Janette): Oh my God! That is Rebecca Logan! Rebecca: What? GPA sorrority girl: Pledge gone wild at spring break. Casey: Oh-oh, I think we have a code pink situation here. The miracle cheesecake just got fattening. Presenter: In the spirit of Greek unity, I hereby declare open the Greek Games of Cyprus Rhodes University! Credits * Dobler's * Cappie: You sure you wanna stay here? Rebecca: Why should I bury my head in the sand because certain people without lives resort to Internet voyeurism in a pathetic attempt to justify their existence? [Silence] So, did you see the video? Cappie: Yeah, too bad they missed the part where I got punched in the face. Rebecca: Hey, I told you how sorry I am about all that. Cappie: You were drunk and the whole thing with your dad, I get it. It's water over the bridge, under the dam, whatever. And the same with the video. Everyone is gonna be bored with it by tomorrow. Rebecca: Not according to my dad. Cappie: You called him? Rebecca: No. He called me. And instead of apologizing for bringing our dirty little family secrets out in the open, he had the nerve to discipline me. For whatever damage this video may cause his situation. "Lay low. Ride out the storm." He always uses clichés. He's a politician, after all. Cappie: Your dad's delivery was lame, but you know, maybe he has a point. Keep your head down, focus on Greek Week and the Zbzs. Give your sisters a chance. You might be underestimating them. Rebecca: Yeah, I'm gonna have to think about that one. Cappie: You know what, I could use another beer. You want anything? Rebecca: Actually, I've put in enough of an appearance. I'm gonna head back to the house, get some rest for the big week ahead. [SCENE_BREAK] Frannie: Maybe we can find a way to put her out of commission. Casey: Step away from the kneecap, Tonya Harding. I'm thinking we call her in front of the Standards Board for the spring break incident. Frannie: Right, Nip this in the kneecap now, because inevitably Nationals will see that video. Casey: And by then, we can tell them we've already handled it. I'd like to avoid another special guest star appearance from Tegan. Ashleigh: Yeah, she is a little scary. Really good hair, though. Frannie: Casey, I just have to say, I am so impressed with your presidential prowess. Casey: Thank you. Frannie: I'm gonna go check with Laura, make sure everyone has their spirit shirts. [Leaves the table]. Ashleigh: She's being more supportive than a pair of Spanx. Casey: Yeah. New, nice, de-clawed Frannie. [SCENE_BREAK] Evan: So, Capp', how's it feel to be dating an Internet star? Cappie: So, Ev's, how does it feel to be dating... nobody? Evan: Because I'm pretty sure just about everybody on campus has seen her in action by now. Cappie: Hey guys, did you know that one time Evan pooped his pants at Camp Kitchiwawa? Evan: Hey guys, did you realize when Cappie started dating Rebecca, he took my sloppy seconds? Cappie: Watch it, Bing, watch it! * Outside a theater * Rusty: Who knew Ben-Hur would be such a hot ticket? I can't believe we had to get these a day in advance. Dale was right. Calvin: Well, if you think about it, it is one of the few movies that has something for everyone: Jesus for Dale. Buff gladiators for me. Roman history for the more studious among us. And a leprosy subplot for- well really for everyone. Evan: Pledge Owens, you're consorting with the enemy? Calvin: Ha ha ha, very funny. Evan: Who says I'm joking? I am. Barely. But I do that assume if you're hanging out with this guy, you must be doing some re-con work on the Kts. Rusty: Yeah, he's trying to spy on the Kts to try and learn how not to be lame. Maybe you guys can learn a thing or two. Because you guys are lame. Evan: We're headed to the house to practice for the final relay. It's Greek Week. Calvin: Yeah, yeah, I'll be right behind you guys. Evan: All right. Calvin: Hey, we're cool, right? Rusty: Oh yeah we're cool. It's just one more test for Switzerland. * ZBZ's * Suzanne: The entirety of your ZBZ-emblazoned bosom was all over my computer screen. We absolutely do not want to demonstrate that this type of raunchy behavior is in any way indicative of ZBZ-ian values. Rebecca: Entirety of my bosom aside, it certainly looked like I was having fun, right? Maybe we could use this as a recruiting tool for rush. Suzanne:This violation warrants an immediate suspension. Casey: She's right. And we've called you here today because we should've punished you right after the Spring break incident occurred. But I was there, and we all understand how upset you were, and, well, everyone does things they don't plan to do. Especially over spring break. Suzanne: Just ask Betsy. She ended up with a one-way ticket to rehab. Casey: Bottom line, you violated ZBZ standards, and therefore we are fining you with 20 hours of sister service. Rebecca: Sister service? Casey: Sorority-centric community service. Rebecca: Yes, I know what it is. Instead of picking up highway trash, I get to, what, apply Laura's self-tanner? Lucky me. Casey: You are lucky. And you should be grateful we're going easy on you. You have to think about the sorority. So I strongly encourage you to lay low and ride out this storm. Trust me, it's for your own good. Rebecca: Right. * KT's * KT boy: I can't believe how sprightly those guys are. Rusty: We're gonna blow the Ocs out of the water! Ben: Those guys are such assfaces. Rusty: We should never take for granted how lucky we are to be in a house whose brothers have their priorities straight. Because of instead of controlling jerks like the Omega Chis, the Kts know what really matters is friendship. And fun. Cappie: Pledges! I present to you this year's Greek Week Powder Puff cheer squad: The Kappa Tau Hotties. Formation, formation! KTs (dressed up as cheerleaders): We heard you caught a chill Well, we're here to warm you up. We call ourselves the hotties And we're gonna win that cup Cappie: Yeah! A special shout-out to my man Heath, whose 15-year-old sister taught us that little gem. Which, I'm sure you will agree, is gonna help us win the Powder Puff cheer-off. [SCENE_BREAK] Calvin: Hey Cappie, Is a... Rusty around? Cappie: Why? Why do you want to know? Rusty: We're gonna go see a movie. Cappie: Is that so? Rusty: Uh yeah. We're in really good shape with the human wheelbarrow. Ben and I are very sprightly. What's going on? Cappie: Calvin is an Omega Chi. You are a Kappa Tau. It's Greek Week. The twain does not meet Rusty. It never shall. Rusty: What, are you doing an impression of Evan Chambers? Ha ha... Cappie: No ha. Look at me. I'm deadly serious. Don't look at my outfit.Look at me. See? Serious. [To Calvin] Sorry Cal, nothing personal. Double air-kiss for Evan Lame-bers, though. [To Rusty] Go back to work. Go on. * ZBZ's Ashleigh: All my lip-synchers, practice, stat! Casey: Friday is red T- shirt day Laura. Today, we wear our yellow spirit shirts. Laura: But yellow makes my skin look diseased. Casey: Don't blame the shirt for that and look to your foundation. Put on a yellow T-shirt. The shirts are an easy way to earn spirit points. Especially because, for obvious reasons, the Mu Gamma Sigs are heavily favored to take gold in Powder Puff Football. Ashleigh: Ok, let's get into formation. Abs in, lips relaxed. Frannie: Can I have a private word real quick? Casey: [Answering her phone] Allo? What? Where? Ok, I'll be right there. Campus security. [To Frannie) Hum, we'll talk as soon as I get back. Frannie: Ok, take your time. You deserve it, you hard-working little president, you! * On campus Casey: Oh God! Cappie: Nope, just me. But thanks. Casey: Cappie, What are you doing here? Cappie: I got a call from Rebecca. Casey: I got a call from campus security. [To both drunk Rebecca and Mandi] What's wrong with you? Cappie: Officer Huck. On Coast Guard duty tonight? Where are your water wings? Officer Huck: Mr Cappie. I should've known you'd be a part of this kerfuffle. Rebecca: Hey! Cappie's my boyfriend! Cappie: Yes, he is. Now, let's get you dry. Casey: And back to ZBZ. Rebecca: Oh no thanks. Casey: Rebecca, I'm trying to help you. [To the officer] Officer Huck, I'm so sorry these pledges interrupted this... event. Officer Huck: This is not just any event. It's the president's private shindig for Greek alums coming to Greek Week. Including some elderly folk with delicate sensibilities and varying heart conditions. Mandi: Whatever! They looked bored. So we entertained them. Rebecca: And Mandi used to be the synchronized swimming champion of Western New Jersey! Mandi: I'm drowning. Rebecca: So I thought we'd use this for some of my sister-service hours! Casey: You've just earned a lot more of them. Cappie: Don't worry. I'll take her home. Come on. Not so fast. Rebecca: Don't worry, big sis, we took off our pledge pins. See? I laid low and rode out the storm. Cappie: Ok [taking Rebecca with him]. Casey: [to Mandi] Come on. Mandi: Bye Huck! * Rusty and Dale's room Dale: There she goes. You know I really hope you guys appreciate this sign of solidarity to the Three Musketeers. Calvin: Oh I'm touched beyond words. Dale: Look away, Dixieland. All right. You guys ready to see some Chuck Heston, may he rest in peace? Rusty: Dale, you still have your VCR, right? Dale: Rusty, why would I need my VCR? We're going to see Ben-Hur in its original anamorphic widescreen with seat-rumbling sound and overpriced concessions. Calvin: Oh well, I bought some popcorn. Rusty: And uh, the video store didn't have it on DVD. Calvin: Yeah we thought it would be more fun to watch it here. Rusty: No noisy crowds to disturb the Three Musketeers. Dale: Rusty stop blowing smoke up my as...bottom. Rusty: Well, since it's Greek Week, the brothers aren't that comfortable with Calvin and I hanging out. Dale: So what? We're supposed to hide here in a dark room like lepers that we're not seeing on the big screen? Rusty: No, we're just laying low. It's our own private Switzerland. Dale: Switzerland? You mean the wusses that wouldn't stand up to the Nazis? Rusty: We just want to conduct our friendship free from prying fraternity eyes this week. Dale: You know, we made a pact at spring break, OK? I just took down the Southern Cross. Calvin: Dale, we're pledges, OK? We have to do what the brothers tell us. Rusty: Yeah, we've lasted an entire year as pledges. We can't just blow it now when we have a few months left. So we do their laundry, we scrub the toilets and we just don't hang out during Greek Week. Dale: Do you guys really think the brothers are gonna stop caring about who you hang out with once you're actives? I mean, yeah, today it's Greek Week. But then it's next week, then it's the week after. And then Poland falls. * ZBZ's Casey: You know Ash, I had a very simple plan at the beginning of Greek Week:"To win". A simple, doable plan considering we've won Greek Week for the past ten years. But then Rebecca gets all Dirty Dancing... again. This time aquatically, and distracts me. And here I am wearing a red spirit shirt on green shirt day. Very unpresidential of me. And not at all befitting my "Zbzs are winners" election platform. Ashleigh: Meanwhile, Suzanne and the standards hyenas are dying to kick her out. Casey: I'm dying to kick her out! It's time to put Baby in the corner for good. She has got to be the worst pledge in the history of pledgedom. Including Jen K. and that legacy from last year who wore culottes and had that little mustache. Ashleigh: Thank God she deactivated. Casey: Seriously. The only reason Rebecca's stuck around as long as she has is because she's a senator's daughter, which is really doing nothing for anybody these days. But maybe I'm just looking for an excuse to get her out because I simply hate her. But then again, she has been going through a hard time. Ashleigh: And you did almost myrtle her boyfriend at spring break. Casey: Cappie and I, didn't even come close to myrtling. We kissed. Very briefly. Under the influence of spring break. Which we have since left behind, unlike someone I know. I caught you sniffing that thing yesterday. Ashleigh: Hot Ness. * Evan's room * Evan: If I don't have a problem with Casey and everyone else seeing us, then why should you? Frannie: Because I don't want to be hated at ZBZ, which I will be if Casey sees me as an enemy. I want it all, and the only way I can have it is if I can prove to Casey that I am still her friend and Big Sis. Before we tell her. Evan: Well, you've had a week. So hurry up. Or you're gonna have to find another cheerleader. Frannie: You're cute when you give ultimatums. Bye Eve's. * On campus * Presenter: And now, the Omega Chi Hotties! Cappie: Those sluts stole our cheer! [SCENE_BREAK] Casey: The Gamma Psi Alphas are looking pretty tough, huh? Ashleigh: Fortunately, some of our pledges have passed the Freshman 15 so we have a size advantage. Especially if Tammie leads with her hips. Casey: Maybe I could harness Rebecca's powers for good. To help us win Greek Week. Ashleigh: How would that work? Casey: You'll see. [To Rebecca] Look Rebecca, Hum, I've decided to overlook the fountain incident. For now. Don't take that out, the game's about to start! I know you're going through a hard time, and you need to blow off steam. So, on that note, how about you channel your frustrations in a positive way. No, leave it in. I can tell they're just about to start. Janette: Hey Rebecca, for my blog. And guess what? I found one of your dad's hookers online! She's trying for a music career. I especially loved her song Daddy's Girl. Casey: Ok now focus those feelings on the game and rip those little flags off that Gamma Psi Alpha quarterback! Go Zeta Beta Zeta! Gamma Psi #2: 1 Blue 42, pink 23. Hut one, hut two, hut! Rebecca: [Attacking Janette] Put that in your blog, bitch! Casey: That's it! I've tried to be nice. I've tried to be understanding that is it! I'm officially recommending your expulsion to the ZBZ standards board! Until then you are suspended from all ZBZ activities. You might as well start packing your bags. * KT's * Beaver: Remind me never to do the splits again. Cappie: It was a noble effort, Beav. Beaver: I had to try something new, otherwise it just looked like we were ripping off the omega chis. Cappie: It did, didn't it? It was like the battle of the carmens, ladies figure skating, calgary, 1988. The omega chi were Katarina Witt, sexy, powerful, Germanic and we were poor Debi Thomas, just biting it left and right. Wade: And to be fair, their cradle catch was much tighter than ours. Cappie: So Chambers and Co. Won. In the sneakiest way possible. And we're left with one lingering question. How, oh how, did they Steal our Cheer? Rusty: Yeah, no kidding! What? What is everyone looking at me for? Cappie: You're the only one who associates with the Omega Chis. Heath: Hey, I slept with Calvin last semester! Rusty: Wait a minute, what are you implying? Are you saying that I memorized the Cheer and taught it to Calvin in one day, all to sabotage my own house? Cappie: Absolutely not, Spitter. You are a loyal pledge. We know that. Rusty: OK, good. Cappie: But we also know that a fortress is only as strong as its weakest part. Rusty: Cap'! Cappie: You've been hanging out with Calvin. Maybe you happened to mention to him when we'd be practicing our Cheer. And since I'm sure the Omega Chi Cheer sucked, Calvin seized the opportunity to spy on us and Steal our sweet, sweet moves. Rusty: He came over to meet me for a movie. Cappie: That's what he told you. I'm not saying you did it it on purpose. For your protection and ours, I have to ask you to stay out the final competition. Rusty: The relay? You won't find anyone sprightlier. Cappie: We'll manage. I'm sorry, Spitter. * On campus * Casey: Hey, sourpuss. What's up? Rusty: My supposed brothers think I helped Calvin Steal our Cheer and give it to the Omega Chis. Cappie kicked me out of the relay race! I'm over this. I'm about to re-ignite usag. Casey: Sometimes a good president has to practice tough love. How do you know Calvin didn't steal the Cheer? Rusty: Casey, Calvin didn't steal the Cheer. Casey: Hey, it's greek week, all bets are off. Regardless, You're a pledge, and pledges are supposed to do what they're told. Rusty: I just don't understand why all the competitions are so important. I thought greek week was about unity. So whatever happened to the brotherhood, friendship, family? Casey: Oh, my god. You are such a boy scout! Rusty: Eagle scout. I made it to the eagle scout. Remember? Casey: Yes, I went to the ceremony. And you were such a tool, you earned more badges than anyone else. Rusty: That's a good point. Casey: That you were a tool? Rusty: Yeah. That you thought I was a tool, you found me annoying, but you still showed up to the ceremony. Because you're my sister. Casey: Mom and dad made me go. You knew that, right? Rusty: Which was the right thing to do, because no matter how much you and I find each other annoying, we're still a family. So underneath it all, we'll still trust and support each other. So why am I not seeing that support from my brothers at Kappa Tau? Casey: Because you're not a brother yet, you're a pledge. Rusty: Semantics. Casey: Call it what you want, but it's still your duty to be a good pledge. Rusty: What about being a good President? * Dobler's * Casey: I was right. It is called greek week. Not "personal drama week." So what's yours? Cappie: You're going to kick Rebecca out. Casey: And you banned Rusty from greek week. Cappie: Ok, it's not exactly the same thing. Casey: But, it's for a similar reason. And Rebecca was putting the ZBZ house at a much greater risk. Cap', I know you care about her. But honestly, Rebecca kind of asked for this. And I frankly don't even know why she's in a sorority. Do you? Because she seems to hate everything about it. Cappie: That's just her way. Her hostility and sporadic verbal abuse are endearing once you get to know her. Casey: I know her and I'm over it. Cappie: OK, look, Rebecca's in trouble. And I can't hold her together all by myself. Casey: You're stronger than you think. Not to mention Rebecca and I don't Even like each other. So why do you want me to help her? Cappie: Because she's your sister. If that's just empty crap to you, then why are you in a sority? Casey: For the parties. Why else? Cappie: Whatever you say, Case. [SCENE_BREAK] * ZBZ's * Casey: Where's Suzanne? I need to talk to her about Rebecca before the standards... Ashleigh: Casey,look who's here! Casey: Tegan! Tegan: Casey. My little success story. Nationals thought you might need help with the Rebecca Logan problem. Politico offspring, never easy. So here I am! Ashleigh: Doesn't her hair look great? Tegan: Oh! That's so sweet. * Later Tegan: Of course, like pretty much everyone else in America, we saw Rebecca's very special dance video from Spring Break. Ashleigh: [bringing water] Flat and French! Tegan: Great. Now we're not monsters. We know that Rebecca's been through a tough time. Casey: Right, right. And you know, if you've checked recently,the number of hits on Rebecca's video has gone way, way, way down. Ashleigh: Way down. Tegan: But Nationals' tolerance has reached its limit with the fountain fiasco and that little'roid rage assault on the football field. Casey: Wait, how did you hear about the fountain and the football? Tegan: Girls, we have eyes and ears everywhere. Boo! Kidding! About the "boo." Not about the eyes and ears. So, your Standards Chair informs me that you are planning to vote to expel her tonight. Casey: We were, but I've been thinking... Tegan: Things could get messy? Casey: Uh...Yes. Tegan: Well, I'm here to keep things clean. If the decision comes from Nationals, it could carry more weight. Invite less resistance. [Tegan winks at Casey]. If only we had more girls like you, Casey, ones who value standards, image and reputation. Now, where is that adorable little stain on our good name? * Rusty and Dale's room * Rusty: Come in. Calvin: Hey. Just wanted to see how you were doing after the big cheertastrophe. The KTS looked pretty pissed. Rusty: Well, yeah, they think the Omega Chis stole the cheer. Calvin: Who's to say the Kappa Taus didn't steal the cheer from the Omega Chis? I mean, you know, The KTS aren't known for being the most prepared guys on the planet. Rusty: We got it from Heath's sister. She made it up. Calvin: We got it from O'Toole's sister. She made it up. Look, The Kts always... we're doing it. Rusty: I know we're doing it. Calvin: We said we weren't gonna do it. Dale: What have I come upon? Calvin: Nothing, Dale. We just almost chucked our friendship again over some stupid stolen cheer. Dale: Cheer? What cheer? Rusty: Some cheer that our friend Heath's sister thought of about hotties warming people up. Dale: Yeah? As in... "We heard you caught a chill Well we're here to warm you up. We call ourselves the hotties and we're gonna win that cup". That cheer? Rusty: How did you know that? Dale: It's from the 1998 film Cheer It Forward. It's a clean-cut tale of nubile, lightly-muscled young ladies, you know engaged in a friendly competion in the world of high-school cheerleading. It was followed in 2000 by a deeply-flawed sequel called Cheer It Backward. I've just seen bits and pieces on TV, you know. It's always on while I'm waiting for The 700 Club. I mean, I haven't seen the whole thing. It's not like I was a cheerleader in high school or anything you know. [While Rusty and Calvin left the room] They would never let guys on the team. No matter how talented they were. * ZBZ's * Rebecca: I'd like my packing privacy please. Casey: No time for barbed banter! Togan's waiting downstairs to kick you out! Rebecca: And you're here to, what, celebrate? Casey: I changed my mind, OK? I don't want you to go. Rebecca: You're serious? Casey: God help me but yes. I'll explain later. Right now we need to figure out what to say to Tegan so she'll let you stay. Ashleigh: She should definetely go humble. Casey: Groveling's essential. Ashleigh: And tell Tegan you like her hair! Rebecca: No! Ashleigh: Even if you don't really like her hair, just say it. Rebecca: I want you to explain why I should even care if she kicks me out. Ashleigh: Rebecca, this is a really good deal. Casey: I don't know. You tell me. Why did you even join in the first place? Rebecca: Why else? The parties. Casey: Right. That's why I joined, too. Or at least that's what I would've told anyone who asked. Because admitting the honest to God truth, "Hey,I'm Casey, scared and friendless freshman" would've been just too pathetic. So I rushed. And, as luck would have it, somewhere along the way, I discovered that I ended up with a family. Screwed up and dysfunctional, like every other family but a family nonetheless. And this family can include you if you want it to. Ashleigh: [crying] Sorry. Rebecca: Yeah, well, families suck. You don't have to worry about kicking me out. Because I quit. * Downstairs Tegan: Rebecca. Just the person I wanted to... Ashleigh: Rebecca! Tegan: Ashleigh! Casey? * Outside Ashleigh: My God, slow down. Tegan: Anyone? Ashleigh: I know Casey, and I know she meant what she said back there. Rebecca: Of course you'd say that. Casey's sidekick. Ashleigh: Stop it! Stop with the whole tough girl act! My God, I've been a friend to you, even when it was the last thing Casey wanted. And I get it. Your dad let you way down. But don't go down with him. Stop being a stupid senator's daughter and start being Rebecca Logan! Rebecca: Being a senator's daughter is the only reason ZBZ wanted me in the first place. Ashleigh: Yeah, well, things change. Fine! Leave! And I'm not Casey's sidekick! * KT's - night * Ben: [To Rusty] He's not nearly as sprightly as you are. Cappie: You here to fess up? Rusty: Nope. I just came to give you this. Cappie: Cheer It Forward, I've been meaning to catch this one. Rusty: The stolen cheer? It's from this movie. Apparently it's a popular movie for 15-year-olds like Heath's sister. And O'Toole's. And Dale. Cappie: I... Rusty: But before you apologize, I'd just like to say one thing. I'm a really good pledge. And you know it. For the past seven months, I have scrubbed the toilets, I have done your most questionable laundry, and I even let Wade throw up into my hands one time. And I will continue to do so, if that is what you tell me to do. Cappie: Well...thank you? Rusty: But there's one thing that I will not do. I will not let you tell me who my friends are. Real brothers will treat each other with trust and respect. They won't be threatened by friendships made outside the house. I think you're letting your grudge with Evan poison how you treat your own brothers. And that's not what I signed up for. So. So maybe this isn't the place for me after all. I'll be at the relay race later to cheer you on. Unless I hear otherwise. Cappie: God, Wade, dismount. * Dobler's * Asleigh: Excuse me. The spirit point tally just came out and we are miles ahead. Turns out you were the only president al enough to make us wear those shirts every day. Casey: Yay obsessive-compulsiveness. Ashleigh: You don't sound very excited for someone who's about to win Greek Week. Your whole "ZBZ winners" campaign strategy is coming together just like you wanted. You are going to be a totally legitimate president! Casey: Then why do I feel so Gerald Ford? Tegan: Hi. Frannie was just apologizing for going off the rails so perilously last semester. Frannie: Thank you for listening. Tegan: Code pink. Code pink. Code pink. Rebecca: Tegan? Tegan: Yes? Rebecca: I'm here to apologize. And to ask for a second chance. I'm sorry I put the sisterhood at risk. I'm sorry for... Tegan: I don't want to make you grovel needlessly. There won't be any second chances here. Rebecca: Tegan. One more thing. Your hair is... Casey: Rebecca! No. Stop. Rebecca shouldn't have to grovel at all, Tegan. Yes, she should apologize, but that's it. We can't desert our sister now, when she needs us the most. Sisters trust and support each other. No matter what. It's simple. We stand together. Which means if Rebecca goes, I go. Ashleigh: And I go. Frannie: And I go. Mandi: And I go. Laura: If I stay, can I pick whatever room I want? Casey: Something tells me Nationals wouldn't be too happy if an entire ZBZ chapter de-activated. Am I right? Tegan: So, you're really going against me. For her? Casey: Yep. Tegan: And you realize if she screws up again, that it's all on you? Casey: Yep. I stake my presidency on it. Tegan: Your interim presidency. Casey: Right. Presenter: And, next up in the lip-synch competion, the Zeta Beta Zetas! Casey: Girls, come on, hurry. Go on. Get up there and do your thing. Just keep your clothes on and don't get wet this time. * Campus - Day * Rusty: So I guess we won't be wheelbarrowing against each other after all. And I told him I was... Calvin: I know, I know, you're really sprightly. Cappie really won't lift your punishment even after you told him about the cheer? Rusty: Apparently not. Switzerland has its limits. Calvin: Yeah, too many limits. We need to come up with a stronger, more outspoken country. Rusty: A brave little land with two citizens. We could call it Ralvin! Calvin: Yeah, maybe it doesn't really need a name. Rusty: That's right, because we'll be more powerful in our namelessness! Calvin: Right. Cappie: Could I request a temporary visa? I'm sorry. To both of you. Calvin, you're welcome at the KT house any time you like. Even Grey's Anatomy night, which can be quite exclusive, so feel privileged. Any friend of my little bro is a friend of mine. Calvin: Thanks. Evan: Pledge, what's going on here? Calvin: Just talking with some friends. Evan: Well, it's time for the relay race. We'll discuss your choice of friends later. Calvin: Discuss away. Doesn't mean I'll listen. Rusty: So, what about that feud? Nothing good can come of that. Cappie: You might be right, Spitz. As in swimmer Mark Spitz, nine-time Olympic gold medalist. Assume the position, pledge. We need your human wheelbarrow. I'm off to face Chambers in the last leg. By the way, you were terrifyingly adept when you ripped me a new one last night. I was impressed. Do not do it again. Presenter: Take your marks, get set... Evan: Come on, pick it up, pledge! Ready to come in sloppy second? Cappie: May the best man win. Beaver, come on! Beaver: Cap, you OK? Cappie: Yeah. Beaver: We can't let them get away with this! Let's go mess 'em up! Cappie: No, you know what, Beav? Just let it go. Calvin: Hey, you OK? Cappie: Yeah. Calvin:I'm sorry Evan went all aggro out there. Rusty: It looks like Cappie's ready to move to Ralvin. Calvin: That is not what we're calling it! * Later Presenter: The winners of this year's Greek Week Olympiad are... Omega Chi Delta and Zeta Beta Zeta! Rebecca: [to Cappie] Well, we won. You should've seen the look on Janette's face. It went well with her black eye. Cappie: "We" won? Rebecca: Yes, I'm still a ZBZ "we.". That whole cheesy sister bond thing? It's... actually stronger than I thought. [Hugging Cappie]. Cappie: Sorry, I've been a little distracted this week. Rebecca: It's OK. [SCENE_BREAK] Frannie: What are you doing? [Evan kisses her and Casey sees them]. Presenter: I hereby declare the end of these games. * End of episode ***	Plan: A: spring break; Q: What is the fallout from? A: annual; Q: How often is Greek week? A: Casey; Q: Who focuses on continuing the Zeta Beta's winning streak? A: an unruly Rebecca; Q: What is Casey trying to control? A: Rusty; Q: Whose friendship with Calvin is put to the test when Cappie and Evan's rivalry intensifies? A: Frannie; Q: Who tries to tell Casey about Evan? Summary: The fallout from spring break is felt during the annual Greek week competition. Casey focuses on continuing the Zeta Beta's winning streak while trying to control an unruly Rebecca. Meanwhile, Rusty and Calvin's friendship is put to the test when Cappie and Evan's rivalry intensifies. Additionally, Frannie tries to tell Casey about Evan.
Act One. Scene One - KACL. Frasier is approaching his last caller of the day. Frasier: Well, we have time for one more caller. Roz? Roz: We have Ed on line three. Frasier: Hello, Ed, I'm listening. [no answer] Ed? [no answer] Ed? Well, we seem to have lost Ed. Let's take another caller. On line four we have.... Roz? Roz has begun eating and cannot talk because she has a mouth full. Frasier: Roz? Roz takes some milk but she still cannot eat it quickly enough. Frasier: We have.... Roz decides to mime. So she points to her eye. Frasier: Eye... Roz leans to the left. Frasier: Lean. [then:] Oh, Eileen. Hello Eileen, I'm listening. Eileen: [v.o:] Dr. Crane, I've been very happily married for twenty years and I wouldn't dream of cheating, but lately when we're making love I find myself fantasizing about people... other than my husband. Frasier: Well, that's perfectly normal. It's quite normal to spice up one's love life by imagining a tryst with, oh, a sports figure or a movie star or... Eileen: Or a radio psychiatrist? Frasier: Excuse me? Eileen: It's your voice, Dr. Crane. You must have the most sensuous voice on earth. Frasier: [putting on a sensuous voice:] Oh, I don't know, Eileen. Eileen: I've never seen your picture. Would you mind describing yourself? Frasier: Oh, well I don't really think that's appropriate... Roz: I'll do it. Frasier: Roz, I don't think... Roz: He's about six-one, with a granite jaw and the broad shoulders of a marine. He's been wearing his hair short lately but that only accentuates his cobalt blue eyes, his chiseled cheekbones and his full, provocative lips. Eileen: Wow! Thanks Roz, and thank you, Dr. Crane. I'll be thinking of you tonight - with any luck, twice! [hangs up] Frasier: Well, this is Dr. Frasier Crane feeling a little red in his chiseled cheeks. Till tomorrow then, this is KACL 780 AM. [signs off air] As Frasier presses a button Roz enters his booth and goes to the tape deck. Frasier: Roz, that was quite a flattering description. You know, just out of curiosity: were you just helping that lady with her fantasy or do you really see me that way? Roz: [freezes, then in a haunted voice:] You really don't know, do you? [turns around] Frasier, I am so attracted to you, I always have been. [starts to get closer to him] Your looks, your voice... She begins to straddle him and bend him backwards in his chair. Roz: You don't know how many times I've wanted to strip naked and hurl myself at that glass partition like a bug on a windshield. Frasier: Are you through? Roz: [smacks his head] Well, ask a stupid question! She gets off of him and goes back to the tape deck as Frasier sorts his briefcase out. Frasier: All right Roz, I will see you tomorrow. Roz: Hey, aren't you going to the staff meeting? Frasier: No, no, no, just tell them that my aunt died. I'm off to her lawyer's now, she put me in charge of her memorial. Roz: Oh, I'm so sorry. Frasier: Oh, don't be, she was a dreadful old harpy. Life around her was miserable. Roz: That should look nice on her headstone. Frasier: Well, I don't mean any disrespect but you know, the entire time I knew her she never said anything to me that wasn't scornful, derisive or contemptuous. Roz: So how come she made you in charge of her memorial? Frasier: I was her favourite! [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. Daphne is cutting Martin's hair at the dinner table whilst he reads the paper. Niles and Frasier enter with bags and they ad-lib greetings. Frasier notices Eddie rolling on the couch. Frasier: Dad, I thought we had an agreement: Eddie doesn't roll around on the sofa and I don't throw him in front of a bus! Niles: Hello, Daphne. Daphne: Oh, hello Dr. Crane. Will you be joining us for dinner? Niles: If it's not too much trouble. It's Maris's night to host her book club and they are more comfortable not having a man there. Frasier: Yes, apparently Niles makes the ladies self-conscious. Niles: Well, I sat in on the last discussion and Mrs. Esterbrook- Kindred developed a facial tic every time she had to say the word "Balzac." Martin: So how did it go with Aunt Louise's lawyer? Did you get the old bat's affairs straightened out? Niles: Ask her yourself. Niles places her urn on the table. This causes Eddie to run off down the corridor to Martin's room. Frasier: Apparently, it was Aunt Louise's wish that Niles dispose of her ashes. Niles: Now the pressure's on me to find the perfect place for her to rest for eternity. I haven't the faintest idea what to do with her. Martin: Why don't you just flush her down the toilet? Daphne: Mr. Crane, you can't do that! Martin: Why not? She loved the water. Niles: Oh, oh, that's it: the beach. Oh, no, no, she hated seagulls. And vice-versa. [then:] Oh, oh, oh... no! [then:] It doesn't matter where I pick, you know it's not going to be good enough. Whatever I did she always found fault. Remember when I used to mow her lawn? Frasier: Yes, what about the Christmas tree I bought her? Niles: The ashtray I made at camp? Frasier: [imitating her:] "Is that the best you can do? It wobbles!" Niles: [to urn:] I wish I had that ashtray now! Martin: So when's the memorial service? Frasier: It's two weeks after tomorrow. Lucky lucky me, her last request was that I deliver the eulogy. Daphne: Oh come on now, you can handle it. You just stand up there and say a few nice things. Frasier: There aren't any! Daphne: Then just make them up. Everyone lies a little in eulogies. Frasier: No Daphne, I refuse to invent virtues the woman didn't have. I'll just have to find something good I can honestly say about her. Martin: [stands:] Good luck! She was nothing but a crabby, tight- fisted old pain. All she ever did was sit around that house day after day watching TV. She kept that same old cruddy furniture all her life. Martin sits down in his old chair in front of the box prompting Niles and Frasier to give a stare at each other. Martin: What? But Niles and Frasier just skate round the issue and sit on the sofa. Niles: Oh, remember how she always used to complain about the winters? Martin: Oh yeah, every year she was going to take a trip to the South Pacific. It was her big dream. But would she spend the money? Nooooo. She just sat around whining all the time about how she'd like to be in a warmer climate. Frasier: My guess is she finally made it. Daphne: [hinting:] I think it would be terribly bad to go through life having a secret dream and never fulfilling it. You'd never do anything silly like that, would you Mr. Crane? Martin: What're you talking about? Daphne: Oh, I don't know. Perhaps a little something involving a certain shoebox you keep hidden. Frasier: Shoebox? Martin: Forget it, it's not important. Daphne: Oh fine, if you don't want to talk about it, don't talk about it. It's only something you've given over thirty years of your life to. Martin: Hey, I didn't tell you that so you can go around blabbing it to everyone. Frasier: Tell us, dad, what's in the shoe box? Martin: Nothing, all right? Everyone starts encouraging Martin to tell everyone so he does. Martin: It's just some songs I wrote... for Frank Sinatra. Daphne: And he keeps them in his shoebox. Martin: I think your work here is done. Daphne darts off down the corridor to Martin's room. Martin: Your mother and I used to listen to Sinatra all the time. I know most of his songs by heart. I guess I got it into my head one day that I'd try to write a song myself. I'd be at the station house or on a stakeout, I'd get an idea and pretty soon I had a shoebox full. I used to imagine your mother and I seeing Frank in the stands in Vegas and he'd open the show with one of my songs. Frasier: Oh gee, dad, why did you never tell us about this? Martin: Because it is stupid. They were no good... Niles: Oh... Martin: And don't bother to ask, I'm not letting you see 'em. Daphne rushes in with the shoebox. Daphne: Here they are. Just like I told you, in his shoebox. Niles: [reads:] "You are the song my soul would sing." Frasier: Very poetic. Niles: [reads:] "You make my heart go ring-a ding-ding." Martin: That was during Frank's ring-a-ding period. Frasier: Lord, this shoebox is full of them. [reads:] "I didn't mean to hurt her, she made me lose my mind". Martin: Hey, lemme see that! [reads then:] No, that's just some confession I took from a guy. The lyrics are on the back. Anyway, I never finished them. They were never any good. [picks one up] Well, except this. I gotta admit this has got "Frank Sinatra" written all over it. Niles: [reads:] "She's such a groovy lady." Martin: It's still got that nice contemporary sound. Daphne: So, why don't you send it to old Blue Eyes? Martin: No, they're just words scribbled on a piece of paper. The tune's in my head, I don't know how to write it down. Frasier: Well, Niles and I do. You've got the tune in your head, why don't you let us write it down for you? They begin arguing over this and Martin decides it's a bad idea. So Daphne is tactical. Daphne: Oh, you're wasting your breath trying to convince him to do something. Frasier: Dad, come on. [he refuses:] Yeah, you're probably right. You just sit there night after night watching TV until the time finally comes when we collect your ashes and scatter them over that chair - where they'll probably go unnoticed. Martin: [realising:] All right, okay. Niles and Frasier are overjoyed and run to the piano. Niles sits down claiming he'll be sitting at the piano, however Frasier isn't too happy about this. Martin goes up near to the piano and they begin. Martin: Okay, so boys, the way I'm hearing the intro, it goes something like this. Martin shouts a weird noise mixed with bwobbety-bwas, scobba-doobas, and finishing an unearthly noise sounding like "bwaaaaaa!" Niles: Of course, it is your piano. Niles stands up, however Frasier pushes him back into his seat realising that he ended up with the best job after all. End Of Act One. Act Two. Scene One - Frasier's Apartment - Night. Niles is at the piano. Frasier is stood up behind him and Martin is sat on a high chair by the piano. It's late at night, and all three men are in their undershirts. Niles is playing the conclusion to the song, and Martin is happily snapping his fingers in time to it. Martin: No, no, it goes: Groovy lady of mine, ba-ba-ba-bap-bam-ba-a- aaa-a-a-a! Niles: Like: [plays something along those lines] Martin: No, no, come on, this is the big finish. Ba-ba-bap-bam-ba-a- aaa-a-a-a! Frasier: Dad, dad, in Niles's defense, after four hours your "ba-bap- ba-ba-a-a-a's sound a lot like your "scoopety, boop, bop, bam!" Right, Niles, let's just try it again. Niles tries and it's perfect. Martin: Yeah! That's it. Niles: All right? Martin: Yeah. Let's hear the chorus one last time. Niles begins playing and Frasier gets ready to sing: Frasier: She's such a groovy lady, She makes my heart go heidi-hiedi, She is the chick I spend my nights dreaming off... Frasier: [stops:] Niles. [Niles stops] Dad, I don't mean to criticise. You know that "heidi-hiedi?" It sounds like Cab Calloway sung backwards. Martin: You got any better suggestions? Niles: Er, yes, yes: "She's like a wood, all cool and shady!" Frasier: No, no: "She makes the bravest cat go 'fraidy!" They disagree. Daphne enters with coffee. Daphne: I've got it: "She could have slept with Warren Beatty!" Frasier: [patronising:] Very nice Daphne, no. Martin: Well, I'm sticking with my one, keep singing. Niles starts playing and Frasier starts singing. Frasier: Her lips are red as ruby, She makes my heart go scooby dooby, She is the broad who makes me coo-coo in the heart. Niles stops playing and Frasier stops singing. Niles: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't mean to quibble but it seems like her heart is always going heidi-hiedi, ringy-dingy, or scooby dooby. Martin: Look, I don't need another critic. Niles: Fine, perhaps a cardiologist? Martin: In all due respect, I think I'm a little more tuned in to what Frank likes and this is pretty close to perfect the way it is. Frasier: Well? Martin: How about that! Thirty years and I've finally finished it. Frasier: Never too late. They all thank each other. Martin: Yeah, first thing tomorrow, I'm mailing it to Frank's people. A little help from Lady Luck, maybe they'll kick it upstairs to the chairman himself. [starts singing:] "She's such a groovy lady, [throws sweater over his shoulder:] She makes my heart go heidi-hiedi..." [walks off] The Crane brothers and Daphne look on with an air of pride as the scene FADES OUT. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. Two weeks later it is the morning of Aunt Lousie's funeral. Frasier is still writing his eulogy on paper. However, he takes the paper, rips it up and starts again. A photo album is also laid out on the table. Martin enters. Martin: Oh Jeez! The service is in an hour. Aren't you finished with that eulogy yet? Frasier: I can't even come up with a first line. I got this old photo album, probably one of her pictures might inspire me. Martin: How about this: "We all loved Aunt Louise, even if the camera didn't!" [laughs with Frasier] Daphne: [enters with a tissue - her voice sounds like she has a cold:] Dr. Crane, you've been agonising over this for two weeks. Perhaps it's time to start bending the truth a little. Frasier: No, I refuse to lie. Martin: Why? Daphne: I find it hard to believe there isn't one nice story you can tell about her. Maybe a cute little saying she used? Frasier: I'm not sure that, "Stop crying, or I'll give you something to cry about" would qualify. Martin opens the front door and begins to leave. Daphne: Where are you off to? Martin: Just going to go check the mail. Martin exits. Daphne: I wish they'd just give him an answer about that song. He must have made a hundred trips to the mailbox during the past two weeks. [sneezes] Frasier: Oh, bless you, Daphne. Are you sure you're up to coming to the memorial? Daphne: Oh, it's just a little cold. [blows nose] Besides, in my family, when there was a funeral everybody went. I remember when Grammy Moon passed on. My brothers had been off on a three-day bender. They couldn't even stand on their own - pissed as newts! But they crawled to that chapel on their hands and knees. Frasier: Very commendable. Daphne: Yeah, well, they had an obligation. They were the pallbearers. The doorbell sounds. Daphne answers to Niles with the urn. Niles: Hello, Daphne. Daphne: Hello. Frasier: Oh dear Lord, Niles, don't tell me you haven't disposed of those ashes yet. Niles: Frasier, I have taken them to a dozen locations. Fossy glade, a babbling brook, a moonlit pond. None of them felt right, what am I going to do? Frasier: Well, winter's coming. The sidewalks are always slippery. I'm having the same problem with the eulogy! Niles: [sees album] Oh, remember when this photo was taken - the day Aunt Lousie took me to Wilson's Meadow to fly a kite? It cost her 35 cents and when it got stuck in a tree she made me climb up after it. I fell out, broke my collarbone in two places. I think that's the only time I saw her laugh. [inspired] Frasier! I think she might be happy there! Frasier: Niles, I think you might be right. Niles: And even if she's not, let's still do it. Martin enters, looking sad. Daphne: Any news about your song? Martin: Nah. Listen, we better get started. Frasier: All right. Perhaps I'll have some inspiration on the way over in the car. Niles: And Wilson's Meadow is on the way. We can stop and scatter the ashes. Frasier: Fine. Daphne: Well, this sounds like a family affair. Maybe I'll take my car and meet you there. Martin: All right, let's go. Niles: Wilson's Meadow is the perfect place. Aunt Louise, you've tormented me for two weeks and finally I've shown you I can do something right. Martin, Frasier and Niles exit the front door. After a pause Niles enters again to pick up the urn of ashes he left behind. Niles: [to urn:] Oh, shut up! Niles exits with urn. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Wilson's Meadow. The three pull up in the car - Frasier driving, Niles in the passenger seat and Martin in the back. Niles: Here, here, yes, yes. Perfect. [about urn:] There's something rattling in here. Like some great grisly morata. Niles gets out. Throughout the following conversation between Martin and Frasier we see Niles trying to get the urn open unsuccessfully. He even hits it against a tree and jumps on it. Frasier: What am I going to say at this memorial? Martin: Don't ask me. Frasier: You write lyrics, don't ya? Martin: Right! Tell that to Sinatra! Frasier: Oh, dad, it's a good sing. I even caught myself singing it in the shower this morning. Martin: Yeah. Frasier: Just because you haven't heard anything yet doesn't mean... you have heard something? Martin: Yeah. [takes out letter:] This morning they rejected it. Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry, dad. Martin: Oh, it's okay. Sinatra must gets thousands of songs sent to him. What did I expect? Frasier: Well, you know, at least you gave it your best shot. Martin: Yeah, I guess. I mean, sure it would have been nice to hear it sung, but hey, I finished it, finally! Yeah, I walked down that highway, and climbed that mountain, and reached for the stars. [realising lyric-like sentence] Oh sure, now I get hot! Niles opens the car door. Niles: I can't open the damn urn! Frasier: [gets out:] Oh, you are so helpless! For Pete's sake, give it to me, give it to me. Frasier yanks the lip open. However, the ashes gust out and cover Niles and Frasier. They try to dust themselves clean. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Four - Church. It's the memorial service. Daphne is sat down on the front row. Martin and Niles join her. Martin: It looks like Louise's whole rest home showed up. It must be "Liver & Onions Day" in the cafeteria. Daphne: Apparently when they heard it was Frasier Crane from the radio speaking, the whole rest home turned out. Can't wait to hear what he has to say. Niles: Neither can he: He's huddled in the rectory still working on his first sentence. Daphne: How did the scattering go? Were there any problems? Niles: No, nothing important. Niles takes off his shoe and empties some ashes out onto the floor. The service begins. Minister: Dear friends, thank you all for coming today. I know how very deeply your friendship was treasured by Louise. We are privileged to have with us her favourite nephew, one of Seattle's most eloquent speakers, Dr. Frasier Crane. Dr. Crane has spent the last fortnight reflecting on what Louise meant to him. Dr. Crane? Frasier takes the stand. Everyone listens intently. Frasier: Well, well, well. What can I say about Aunt Louise? What can I say? Louise... touched us all. [dusts his clothes:] In fact, she touches us still. [dusts again] Aunt Louise... loved to teach us all lessons. You know, it's hard to picture her without hearing her saying, "I'm going to teach you a lesson." What particularly comes to mind, by the very way she lived her own life: she taught us how important it is to pursue our dreams. [Martin looks up] Whether we succeed or fail, what really matters is that we tried. And now as we say goodbye to Louise, a phrase comes to mind. It was coined by my very own father... "She's Such A Groovy Lady." Niles, Daphne and Martin look at each other in confusion. Frasier: I said, "She's Such A Groovy Lady." The organist starts up playing the music. The choir stands: Choir: Oh, that groovy lady, Oh, that groovy lady... Frasier also conducts it. Choir: She's such a groovy lady, She makes my heart go heidi-hiedi, She is the chick I spend my nights dreaming of. Her lips are red as ruby, She makes my heart go scooby dooby, She makes me wanna shout "Hey Vagers, above!" She's got the whole world swinging, She makes my heart start ringing-dinging, That hubba hubba groovy lady of mine, Of mine, of mine, That hubba hubba groovy lady of mine, Oh yeah, Oh yeah... Base: Yeah! Choir: Yeah! Niles, Daphne and Martin have been dancing in their seats and clap along with the congregation and the studio audience. End Of Act Two. [SCENE_BREAK] In the church, the cleaner comes around sweeping the floors. He spots the ash of Louise out of Niles'S shoe and puts it in the bin.	Plan: A: Frasier's Aunt Louise; Q: Who has died? A: her memorial; Q: What is Frasier in charge of organizing after his Aunt Louise's death? A: a eulogy; Q: What is Frasier responsible for delivering at his Aunt Louise's memorial? A: her ashes; Q: What is Niles responsible for disposing of after Louise's death? A: their task; Q: What do Niles and Frasier not appreciate about their duties? A: Daphne; Q: Who reveals that Martin has a collection of songs in a shoebox? A: years ago; Q: When did Martin write the songs for Frank Sinatra? A: a concert; Q: What does Martin want to open with the songs he wrote for Frank Sinatra? A: only the words; Q: What is written down in Martin's collection of songs? A: the tunes; Q: What is in Martin's head? Summary: Frasier's Aunt Louise, who was not popular in the family for her tendency to criticize everyone, has died. Frasier has been left in charge of organizing her memorial and delivering a eulogy, and Niles is responsible for disposing of her ashes. Neither appreciates their task. Meanwhile, Daphne reveals that Martin has a collection of songs in a shoebox which he wrote years ago for Frank Sinatra, always dreaming that one day he may open a concert with them. The problem is that only the words are written down; the tunes are all in his head. Niles and Frasier are keen to help out.
Charlotte is kissing a guy at Lux. Charlotte: How dare he walk out on me? I'm a goddess. Guy: Yes, you are. Charlotte: I think I deserve a modicum of respect. Guy: I respect you. Charlotte: Then why did my son abandon me? Guy: Wait, we're talking about your son? Charlotte: Do you know that I went to Hell for him? I even helped save his scrawny, little human, who I much prefer dead. Guy: This is getting weird. Charlotte: Yeah. It's been two weeks and no word. I mean, a mother has needs, don't you agree? Guy: Okay, uh... I got to go. Charlotte: You're a terrible kisser. The guy is left. Make comes to speak with Charlotte. Maze: Must suck to be on the outs with Lucifer. He hates it when people manipulate him. Charlotte: I didn't. At least not like his Father. Maze: True, but you're here. And the big guy's not. I bet Lucifer is plotting his revenge as we speak. Lucifer is in an office, negotiating something. Lucifer: Love the vibe you got going here. It's very Godfather. You even look a bit like Brando. Circa the barefoot, stress-eating years. Godfather: This is a big move, man. Are you sure about this? Lucifer: Oh, yes. Now hand it over. Godfather: It's not gonna go cheap. Lucifer puts a bag full of money on the desk. Lucifer: Worth every penny. Godfather: It's your funeral. The Godfather opens the suitcase on his desk. Chloe and Daniel are walking in the street. Daniel: Still no sign of Lucifer? Chloe: I went by his place. It's completely packed up... No e-mails, no calls, nothing. He's gone. Just... it is what it is. Daniel: You know, Chloe, you don't have to pretend with me. I know you're upset. I mean, he's your partner, he should've told you he was leaving. Chloe: Whatever. It's been two weeks. I'm over it. Please just change the subject. Daniel and Chloe are joining Ella on a crime scene. Ella: Man, I miss Lucifer. He was the best hugger. I mean, squirmer on the outside, but warm and fuzzy on the inside. Daniel: Ella. Do you mind? Ella: Oh. Sorry, Decker. Guess he hasn't called you either. Amenadiel is watching over Chloe. Ella: So we got Ash Corrigan. 27. Cause of death, blunt trauma, by something that left small circular gashes around the wound. M.E.'s gonna make me some molds so I can track down the murder weapon. Daniel: Well, it doesn't look like a robbery. I mean, guy's wallet and ID hasn't been touched. His car's still here. I'm thinking Ash was a club-goer. Got into a bar fight, then everything went to head out here. Chloe: Hmm. I think he played in a band. Ella: Calloused fingers. Guitar player. Good catch. Chloe: Well, yeah. And this. Looks like the band lost their front man. Chloe and Daniel are interviewing the members of the band. Marla: I can't believe he's gone. We were in such a good place. Doug Kennedy: The album was selling, man. Tour was gonna be huge. Black: This blows so hard. What's gonna happen to us? Marla: Come on, dude, Ash is dead. Doug Kennedy: He's just saying what we're all thinking. The band's over. We're screwed. Chloe: So Ash was staying here? Black: He was just crashing on the couch last couple weeks. Daniel: You guys weren't worried when he didn't come home last night? Doug Kennedy: We just figured that he hooked up with someone. I hoped, anyway. Marla: He's been in a funk since his divorce. It was bad. Chloe: How bad? Marla: You should talk to Courtney. Ash's ex. She's, um... Very passionate. They fought non-stop, even got violent once. Chloe and Daniel are arriving at the station. So the band was right, the ex-wife was violent. Look at these. Daniel: She was arrested for domestic abuse two years ago. I mean, charges were dropped, but... Lucifer: Detective! Chloe: You're okay. Lucifer: What? Yes, of course I'm okay. Don't be so silly. Chloe: Lucifer, I was really, really worried about you. Lucifer: Shh! Hold that thought. I have news. Chloe: What... Wow. You just... You go AWOL for two weeks, and then you have the nerve to come here and shush me? Daniel: Yeah. You have some serious explaining to do, man. Lucifer: Yes, I know that, Daniel, and I'm about to. Shall we all have a sit down? Chloe: No. Spill it. I'm dying to know where you've been. Candy: Lucifer? A blond girl gets down from the stairs. Candy: Lucifer? Lucifer: Uh... Candy, darling, I told you to wait in the car. Candy: But it's so stuffy in there. Lucifer: But it's a convertible. Candy: Plus I wanted to show your police friends just how generous my honey is. Candy shows everybody her wedding ring. Candy: He paid that sketchy diamond guy a ginormous pile of cash for it. Lucifer: Well, mm. Chloe: Lucifer, who is this? Lucifer: Right. Meet Candy Morningstar... My wife. Daniel: Wow. Lucifer and Chloe are talking about Lucifer's wedding. Lucifer: It's not how I'd hoped to announce it. I know it might be a tad surprising. Chloe: No, why would I be surprised? That you disappeared after I almost died, and then waltzed back in married to a stripper? Lucifer: Exotic dancer, but, yes, I can explain. Chloe: No. No need. I'm happy for you. Really. Do you mind? Candy is playing with something which makes noise. Candy: Sorry. Am I bugging you? I'm totally bugging you. Chloe: No, I love that sound. Candy: Oh. Lucifer: Look, Detective, I had some family issues. And I-I went to Vegas to blow off some steam. One thing led to another, and... Look, I am sorry, I should've told you that I needed... Time off. Chloe: This isn't about vacation hours, this isn't about time cards, Lucifer, this... How could you just...? I thought we were... I thought we were friends. Lucifer: Friends? Yes. Friends, that's exactly what we are. Just friends. Chloe: Right. Lucifer: Right. So it's all sorted then, we'll go back to the way it was. Chloe: Great. Lucifer: You know, before... Chloe: Yes, I get it! Daniel: Hey. Chloe: What? Daniel: I have Ash's ex-wife in interrogation. Chloe: Great. Chloe walks away. Lucifer: I... Daniel: That's classy, dude. Real classy. Lucifer: Thank you? Candy: You think they like me? Lucifer: Oh, what's not to like? Chloe is interviewing Courtney in the interrogation room. Chloe: "Violent psycho bitch. Sid and Nancy, except she's Sid. All she wanted was to crush Ash's soul." So, Courtney, care to explain why all of your ex-husband's bandmates think you're capable of murder? Courtney: I had nothing to do with this. Chloe: Where were you the night of Ash's death? Courtney: The same place I am every night: work. I have employees who can vouch for it. Chloe: What do you do? Courtney: Run an online clothing company. Built it from scratch. Worked my ass off. You want to know what Ash would say about work? "The world will provide." But you know who did? Me. Someone had to be responsible. The band, they thought I was uncool, but it was Ash, he was the selfish, childish one. Chloe: I completely understand. I was with an immature partner, and it was maddening. Courtney: It's crazy-making. Chloe: Yeah, wanted to kill him. Courtney: I didn't say that. Daniel and Lucifer are looking at Chloe and Courtney since the observation room. Lucifer: Ouch. Shade. I wouldn't take it too personally. Daniel: Yeah, right. I'm sure it's not me she's talking about. Lucifer: Well, who else would she be talking about? Chloe continues to ask Courtney. Chloe: So, you want to explain the domestic abuse charge? Courtney: Look, we fought... I'm not proud of that. But I've paid for my mistakes, literally. Chloe: What do you mean? Courtney: Ash took everything when we divorced. I agreed to sit down with a divorce mediator, and the guy was completely biased against me. I think him and Ash set up some sort of shady side deal. He's the real criminal. Chloe: But if Ash got this hefty divorce settlement, then why was he couch-surfing? Where'd the money go? Courtney: Maybe the mediator took it? Like I said, the guy's a crook. Amenadiel and Charlotte are looking for Lucifer's new on line. Amenadiel: I got him. Someone tagged Lucifer at The Grove. Charlotte: You're kidding. Amenadiel: Someone named "Cottoncandy86"? Charlotte: That's an unfortunate name. Amenadiel: No, Mom, it's an Internet... Never mind. It looks like they were getting frozen yogurt to celebrate... Newlywed life? #mrslucifer, #hottiehubby? Charlotte: Are you speaking in tongues? Amenadiel: Mom! Look. He and cottoncandy86 are married. Charlotte: What?! Amenadiel: He specifically told me to watch over Chloe. After everything that we did to save her, I don't... I don't understand. Charlotte: Betrothing himself to that? He wouldn't. Perhaps Mazikeen was right. Lucifer's concocting a plan. Daniel and Chloe are talking about the clues. Daniel: Well, Courtney's story checked out. She was working late with two employees at the time Ash was killed. Chloe: Courtney's been pointing pretty hard at their divorce mediator, but I don't know. Seems like a stretch. Daniel: Yeah, agreed, but I did check it out anyways. This guy named Anthony Annan. He's got a clean record, and nothing but Courtney's word points to him. Lucifer: Uh, Detective, a word? Chloe: You're still here? Shouldn't you be on some honeymoon far, far away? Candy: Oh, look, it's Mannequin Hair. Daniel: Who? Candy: I don't know his name, but he's in the other photo, too. Is that weird? Chloe: What other photo? Candy: The one of the dead dude. See? Right there. Mannequin Hair is in the crowd behind the yellow tape. Daniel: She's right, it's him. Chloe: Unbelievable. Lucifer: It's highly unlikely for Ash's divorce mediator to be lurking at the scene of his murder, yes? Daniel: Yeah, very. I'll track him down. Nice. Lucifer: Well done, Candy. Candy: Well, I don't get a lot of names at my job, so I'm super good with faces... And other things. Chloe: Ah. Lucifer: This is fun, isn't it? Isn't this fun? Hmm? Murder, suspects, clues. Gosh, it feels good to be back. Right, I'm going to call Candy a cab, and then you and I can get down to brass tacks, yes? Actually, come to think of it, who watches over Trixie? Do you want to go splitsies on a nanny? Besides, I hear this case involves a band, so, lucky for you I bring my much-needed musical expertise. Candy: Did you know he plays piano? Like, better than Elton Tom. Chloe: I know plenty about music, thank you. Lucifer: Do you, now, Detective? Right, what's your favourite band, then? Hmm? Lucifer takes Chloe's phone. Chloe: Hey... Lucifer: Oh, full of '90s jams, I see. The Bangles, N'Sync, Right Said Fred? Chloe: Give me the phone back. Lucifer: I mean, seriously, Detective, your music queue alone is enough to disqualify you from this case. Chloe: You're not the one who's on this case, Lucifer. Lucifer: What? But what about our partnership? Chloe: Our partnership ended when you ghosted me and the entire department. You can't just march back in here like nothing's wrong. You can't just grab what you want when you want. Lucifer: I'll just put that down there, then. Chloe: You let me down, Lucifer... I mean, what good is a partner if I can't depend on you? I don't need you anymore. Lucifer: Well, surely you don't mean that. Chloe: I do. You can go. Both of you. Lucifer: Right. Lucifer and Candy are at Linda's practice. Linda: I haven't seen you in a while, Lucifer. Uh, I know you've been through Hell... I suppose we can discuss that another time. Lucifer: Oh, no, no, there's no need for censoring, Doctor. Candy and I have no secrets. Isn't that the key to a successful marriage? Linda: And how are you coping since your... Travels? Any warning signs of lasting trauma? Denial? Rash decisions? Lucifer: Um... No, no. I think I've thought through everything quite carefully. Candy: He's a thinker, this one! Linda: And, uh... And what about Detective Decker? I thought you two had become... Close. Lucifer: Well, everything I felt for her was smoke and mirrors, courtesy of dear old Dad. I mean, He clearly expected me to zig, and so I zagged. Linda: And does Chloe know that you've zagged Candy? Lucifer: Yes. She just fired me. Linda: Shocking. Lucifer: I know. Linda: But if you felt so manipulated... Why return to Chloe at all? Lucifer: Well, I mean, I tried to leave, but I just felt that I missed... My work. Look, anyway, baby, bathwater, the Detective and I are quite the crime-fighting duo. I mean, you wouldn't break up Batman and Robin, now, would you? Candy: No. Lucifer: We have a job to do. So if she could just see sense... Candy: I was fired once. But you know what I did? I just kept showing up and made myself expandable. Linda: Oh, uh, do you mean indispensable? Candy: No. Expandable. I got a boob job, and it totally expanded my horizons. Because then, I could do something none of the other girls could do. You wanna see? Lucifer: Ooh, yes. Linda: No. Lucifer: No? Linda: But you know, the part about showing up... That's not, actually, bad advice. It's called "acting as if." Lucifer: Yes. Yes, well done, Candy. I think I know exactly how to get back on the case. Oh, gosh, I wish I'd talked to you earlier. Saved myself a trip... Have a candy, Candy. Daniel is on the phone with Chloe. Daniel: Bad news, Chloe. Ash's mediator won't talk. Well, because he's a lawyer. Yep, not without a warrant. Okay, will do... Daniel holds off the phone. Daniel: I know you're there. I'm a cop, Lucifer. You think I don't know when I'm being followed? Lucifer: All right, fair enough. Look, I'm simply here to help with the case. Daniel: What, you mean the case that Chloe kicked you off of? Lucifer: I'm just... I'm trying to put things back the way they were, Dan. Daniel: Yeah, I've been there. Lucifer: Right. And I have a brilliant idea. Lucifer is talking about the case with Chloe in her apartment. Chloe: You expect me to let you go undercover with your stripper wife? Lucifer: Right. First of all, she's an exotic dancer. "Stripper" is pejorative. Chloe: Well, far be it from me to disrespect your bride. Lucifer: Thank you. And secondly, Candy is a natural at getting men to talk. Chloe: Oh, I bet she is. Candy puts lipstick on her lips. Maze is watching her but. Maze: Awesome. Lucifer has outdone himself. Candy: Thanks. Maze: Mm-hmm. Lucifer: But, Detective, the mediator won't talk to you without a warrant. Which is why I so wisely made an appointment for Candy and I this afternoon, see? You need me. Chloe: Let me think about that. No. Lucifer: Uh, Detective, if I didn't know better, I'd say you were prejudiced against exotic dancers. Chloe: Okay, we're done here. Good-bye. Lucifer: But... Chloe: Come on, Candy. Lucifer: Well, look, if you change your mind and wish to take me up on this splendid lead, then, you know, you can always text me, or I'm on Wobble now as well. Chloe pushes Lucifer and Candy outside. Lucifer: You can get Candy on Cottoncandy86. Lucifer and Candy are coming in the penthouse. Lucifer: It was a marvellous idea. I'm sure she'll come around. Charlotte: So it's true. You're back. Lucifer: Oh, invading my privacy, as usual, I see. Charlotte: Your brother and I were worried sick. You could have at least called. Candy: Oh, my gosh, are you Lucifer's sister? Oh! Charlotte: Oh, Lucifer, don't be rude. Who is your top-heavy friend? Lucifer: Candy, darling, this is my mother... Mum, this is Candy, my wife. I'm sorry that we didn't invite you to the wedding. We just decided no enemies. Charlotte: Well, lovely to meet you. Candy: You're Lucifer's mom? Oh, my gosh, you look amazing! I should start using sunscreen. Charlotte: A shame he kept you hidden. I hate secrets... Do you like shopping? Candy: Do I? Charlotte: I want to hear all about you and Lucifer. You two must have so many plans. Maze asks Chloe about Candy in their apartment. Maze: So... What do we think of Candy? Chloe: Well, I think she's perfect for Lucifer. Maze: Her bra size equals her IQ, huh? Chloe: That's generous. Maze: See that vein popping out the side of your neck? Same thing happens when I throw the dishes in the trash instead of washing them... You're mad. Chloe: I'm an idiot. Maze: Look, I know Lucifer better than anyone, okay, and he does this sometimes. Disappears, does stupid, impulsive things... But he always comes back around, Chloe. Chloe: Yeah, but this time I don't want him to. I'm serious, I am done. I'm done. Maze: But he did get you an in with that mediator. That's a good thing, right? Chloe: Yeah, well, I don't care. There's no way I'm letting him and his exotic-dancer wife on my case, or any case. Maze: Maybe you and Lucifer need a mediator... Just saying. Chloe and Lucifer have an appointment with the mediator. Anthony Annan: So, Mrs. Morningstar... Chloe: Oh, no, no, no, no, you can call me Candy. Anthony Annan: Candy. Why do you want to divorce Lucifer? Chloe: Um... Well, I just feel like we're supposed to have a partnership, and it just totally feels like it's not working anymore. Anthony Annan: Mm-hmm. And you two have been married for... Lucifer: Five days. Chloe: Ever! Forever. Lucifer: Five days. Five days. Chloe: It feels like it. Lucifer: But we've been through a lot in that time, and I say that we work brilliantly together, don't we, sweetie? Chloe: Well... If you're talking about the bedroom, yeah. I mean, thank God this bod is made for pure s*x, because, clearly, it's all he cares about. I'm tired. Lucifer: Eh... Anthony Annan: Would you say that's the, uh, the crux of your issue? Chloe: Oh, the crux of the issue? Oh, no, no, no, that would he Lucifer disappearing, and then popping back up with zero explanation and a ditzy bimbo on his arm. Anthony Annan: He's cheated on you in five days of marriage? Lucifer: No, of course I didn't. I've been completely faithful. I take the vows of marriage very seriously. Chloe: And that's why you chose an idiotic, bedazzled tweener as your partner. Anthony Annan: I'm sorry, Candy, there's no name calling in here. Even if it's to yourself... Lucifer, would you like to respond? Lucifer: This is gonna be hard for you to understand, but... I've been through Hell recently. Both figuratively and literally. True torment, my greatest fears realized. Chloe: Lucifer, I am the one who almost died. Lucifer: Yes, I know. That is what I'm talking about. Chloe: Wow. I almost believe you care. Lucifer: Have you ever known me to lie? Chloe: I don't know... I don't know. Anthony Annan: Why don't we take five? Chloe is alone. The mediator comes to speak to her. Anthony Annan: Are you okay, Mrs. Morningstar? Chloe: Yeah, I'm... Yeah, thank you. I am. Um... I, uh, I had heard through a friend that... You were open to a little extra negotiation. Anthony Annan: Um, I'm not sure what you mean by that. Chloe: Um, well, my husband, you see, has a lot of money. And so, if you were to... Swing things my way, then I'd make it worth your while. Anthony Annan: Wow... You're really something. But that would be crossing a line. And I can't do things like that. Lucifer: Why not? You did with Ash Corrigan. Anthony Annan: You two are in on this together? Chloe: No, we're... Lucifer: Oh, yes. Chloe: LAPD. They come back in the mediator's office. Chloe: We know about your side deal with Ash Corrigan. Lucifer: Didn't pilfer enough money from Ash's ex? Had to go and kill Ash to get the rest of the spoils? Anthony Annan: Whoa. I would never, ever hurt Ash. Lucifer: Then what did you want to accomplish, Anthony? Hmm? Come on. Tell me. What did you desire? Anthony Annan: I wanted... Lucifer: Yes? Anthony Annan: I wanted the Heavy Woolies to be the hugest band ever. Lucifer: But... Oh. Anthony Annan: Um... Okay, yeah, yes, I helped Ash in the divorce and I got him all of Courtney's money. But there was no side deal, 'cause I did it for free... I did it for the band. I did it for the music. Chloe: So, you're a fan? Anthony Annan: No, no, no. I was the manager. At least, Ash promised me... Maybe I could be the manager someday. The point is, I helped them a lot. Ash and I came up with a plan. Lucifer: Buy all the albums himself using his ex-wife's money to inflate sales. Talk about self-promotion. Anthony Annan: All they needed was a little nudge. And it worked. I mean, we got on the charts and we started getting radio play, we were gonna be booked for this big tour. I mean, we were gonna make it so big. Chloe: We have a photo linking you to the crime scene. Why were you there? Anthony Annan: I was looking for them after the gig, 'cause Ash and Marla, they were fighting. Chloe: The bassist? Why were they fighting? Anthony Annan: When weren't they fighting? I thought that Ash was gonna kick Marla out of the band that night after the gig, so I went down there to see how it went down... That's when I saw the police standing there, across the street... Over his dead body. It was the night the music died. Lucifer: Perhaps Marla didn't want to be the fifth Beatle. Chloe: Looks like we have a new suspect. Lucifer: Oh, well, if that's the case, then you're welcome, Detective. It's nice to be needed. Chloe: Look, go home. Trust me. Candy needs you more than I do. Candy and Charlotte are talking in the street. Candy: Mine's bigger, right? Charlotte: Yes. Does that mean anything? Candy: Just how much Lucifer loves me. Charlotte: Ah, so these small ones are for couples who don't really care. Candy: Exactly. Charlotte: Tell me more about you and Lucifer. What comes next for you two lovebirds? Did he say anything about... Oh, I don't know... Matricide? Candy: No, I think the mattress in the penthouse is pretty new. Charlotte: Oh, come on, Candy. I know you two have some kind of plan. Candy: Well, you're right about that. So many plans. Charlotte: Tell me everything. Candy: Someday... I want to open my own juice bar. Or a tanning salon. Or a combo juice bar and tanning salon. Charlotte: You're speaking and yet I don't understand a single word. Candy: I get that a lot. Why don't you talk and I'll listen? I'm a good listener. Like right now? I know exactly what you're trying to say. Charlotte: But I didn't... Candy: You want what's best for your son and you'll do anything to make sure he's happy. I want you to know, I got Lucifer's back. And yours... Because... You're my mom now, too... We're family. Candy hugs Charlotte. Charlotte is back at her office. Amenadiel is here. Charlotte: She's a sinister genius. Amenadiel: Mother, come on now. Charlotte: Here I thought this "Candy" was an insipid dullard. But she may be the most formidable opponent I've ever faced... I came away with nothing! Not a single crumb of information about Lucifer's real agenda. Amenadiel: What if there is no hidden agenda, Mom? Charlotte: Oh... Amenadiel: What if this Candy's exactly who she seems? Charlotte: Then... I don't understand what Lucifer's doing. Amenadiel: Whatever he wants, as usual. Charlotte: So he really just married this preening mouth breather because he likes her? Please. Only a deeply damaged soul would make such a poor choice... Unless... He really is that far gone. Then that would mean that my son is really, truly broken... And I'm the one that broke him. Amenadiel: Mom... Don't. Charlotte: I manipulated him. I pushed him too hard... I did this... I'm a terrible mother. Daniel, Chloe and Ella are talking about the case at the station. Daniel: Public intoxication, vandalism. Okay, Marla does have a few priors. But all par for the course for a wannabe rock star. How'd you get the lead? Chloe: I got in to see the mediator. Lucifer did a thing. Ella: Yes, I knew you guys would patch things up. Chloe: Nope. Not even close. Ella: Not even close. Daniel: Well, it sounds like he's trying to help. Chloe: Why are you rooting for him? Daniel: I'm not rooting for him. Chloe: Okay, anyhow, to me, Marla reads like a troublemaker, not a killer. Ella: Oh, unless you count crimes against fashion. Yikes... Hey, guys. Remember those marks on Ash's head? Daniel: You think they came from the knobs on Marla's bass? Ella: I mean, I still have to do further tests, but it sure looks like Tetris to me. Chloe: Okay, maybe Marla's our girl. We got to find her and find that instrument. [SCENE_BREAK] Chloe enters in a club. Chloe: Yeah, I spoke to her roommate. She said Marla's here somewhere. Yeah. Okay, bye... Excuse me? Do you recognize this woman? Announcer: Yo, my friends, we got a special guest tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, Lucifer Morningstar! Lucifer: Hello, Los Angeles. Hello. Hello.Oh, you're too kind. You're too kind. Hello. This next song is for a, uh, a special someone. A woman who says she doesn't need me anymore... Yeah. Well, I say she's wrong. And I'm gonna prove just what I'm willing to do for our partnership. That's right, rock a sweet '90s jam. Lucifer is singing. Lucifer: The woman I'm singing for is... Someone very special. And her name... Is Marla. Has anyone seen Marla? We're looking for someone called Marla. I know she's here tonight... She's the bass player. Ah, there she is! Marla! Will you bring her up to the front? Come on. Marla, everybody... See? You need me. Lucifer is playing the bass in the lab. Chloe: That better not be Marla's bass. Lucifer: It's already been processed. And, I've written you a song. Ready? Lucifer is singing. Ella enters. Ella: Okay, it was wiped down pretty good, but... I found traces of Ash's blood on the tuning knobs. Lucifer: What, so Marla's the killer? Murder solved! And I believe that proves just how much the department needs me... Including you. Ella: Uh, we got a stalker, which is normally bad, but makes me very happy right now 'cause I was getting very uncomfortable. Amenadiel is here. Lucifer: What on Earth does he want? Amenadiel and Lucifer are in the break room. Amenadiel: You know I watched over Chloe for weeks after you disappeared, right? Lucifer: Angel or creeper, brother? It's a fine line. Amenadiel: You asked me to guard her, so I did. Like an idiot! You see, because I thought that she meant something to you. We both know she's special. Lucifer: Oh. That she is. A whoopee cushion sent from Dad. I'm sure he's having a right old laugh at the moment. Amenadiel: Right. So that means it's okay to turn your back on Chloe? Just ignore her feelings? Lucifer: Feelings she had no control over. Feelings that aren't real. Amenadiel: But she doesn't know that. Lucifer: Which is why I had to save her from... Amenadiel: From you... You're not ignoring Chloe, you're protecting her because she had no choice. Lucifer: So I gave it back to her. Amenadiel: By holding up a shield made of Candy... I'm sorry, Lucifer... You should at least explain some of this to Mom. She's upset. Lucifer: Good. Amenadiel: She died and went to Hell for you, Luci. For you. She faced her greatest fears all because she loves you. Lucifer: Oh, come on. Amenadiel: Yes, she hurt you. But she was just doing what she thought was best for you. And from what you just told me, I'm quite sure you can relate to that... Come on... What more does it take? Chloe and Daniel are walking to the interview room. Chloe: You really told Lucifer where I was? Since when do you guys talk? Daniel: Since he helped me save your life. They enter in the interview room. Marla: I didn't kill Ash. Chloe: Innocent people don't run. Daniel: Or get a dead guy's blood on their guitars. Marla: Whoa, what? Chloe: Ash's blood was all over your bass. Marla: I don't know anything about that. I-I ran because of these. Marla gets out fake IDs from her bag. Chloe: What, you're making fake IDs? Marla: That's how I make rent, okay? Chloe: How come you didn't tell us Ash wanted to kick you out of the band? You didn't know that? Marla: S-Sure, we... Bumped heads... He... He was gonna kick me out? Look, even if I'd known, I wouldn't have hurt him. Daniel: You have proof? Marla: Um... Yeah, yeah. This kid, Hunter, from Silver Lake. He's like 16, maybe less? I, uh, made him an ID that said he's 27. Anyway, he hung around me all night. Actually, check Wobble. He was live posting stuff of us all night. His ID is HunterSTomstoned. They watch the video. Hunter: I'm legal! Chloe: There's a bunch more. Looks like they cover the time of death. Marla: Like I said, I didn't do it. Daniel: Then how did Ash's blood get all over your bass? Chloe: Hold on, look at this. Chloe finds another video. Marla: That's Doug, our drummer. He loaded our gear. Daniel: Doug had the bass last. Daniel opens the door. Daniel: You know what? I should just stay here. Finish up Marla's arrest report, but, um... Maybe your consultant is free. Chloe and Lucifer enter in Doug Kennedy's house. Chloe: Doug Kennedy, LAPD. Lucifer: Ugh. Typical youth of today, leaving the door unlocked. Lucifer's phone rings. Lucifer: Uh, sorry, I... It's Candy. Just... Lucifer holds on his phone. Lucifer: Candy, darling, I can't talk now. About to catch a killer. Doug strangles Lucifer. Lucifer: Gonna have to call you back! Chloe: Let him go, Doug. Doug Kennedy: You stay back! J-Just stay back! This is all Ash's fault! We were gonna make it big, and then Ash said he was gonna going solo. He was gonna bail on all of us. I went to smack him and I freaking lost it! Chloe: You're making this worse, Doug. Let him go. Doug Kennedy: No. If you care about your partner, you drop your gun, now! Lucifer: Oh, Go... You may as well just yank the sucker, then, Dougie, 'cause I'm useless to her, you see? Chloe: What? That's not true, Lucifer. Lucifer: Isn't it? I mean, you said as much yourself. Doug Kennedy: W-Wait, what the hell's going on? Lucifer: The Detective doesn't need me anymore. So come on. Do your worst. Chloe: Don't listen to him, Doug. Lucifer: No, go on! Go on, go on. Yank like it's your last wank. Or better still, you shoot, Detective. Come on. Two birds, one bullet, what do you say? Huh? Chloe shoots Doug. Chloe: You okay? Lucifer: I think so. Doug Kennedy: Yeah, that's because you shot me! Chloe: Doug Kennedy, you're under arrest. Lucifer: There's not a scratch, Detective. Impressive marksmanship. Chloe: Actually, I was aiming for you. The cops take Doug at the station. Candy enters in the house. Candy: Oh, my God! Is Lucifer okay? We were on the phone when he got cut off, and... Chloe: Yeah. He's in the other room, giving a statement. Don't worry. He's fine. Candy: Did you save him? Thank you! Oh! Candy hugs Chloe. Chloe: Oh. All... All righty. That's... Candy: His job is way too dangerous. I begged him to quit, but no. My hubby's all about his work. Chloe: He is? Candy: Oh, my God, it's "Detective this," and "Detective that." Working with you means so much to him. Chloe: Well, he's got a strange way of showing it. Candy: Well, duh. Dude's totally messed up. But then, you probably already know that, huh? 'Cause you're kind of the reason why? Chloe: What? Uh... Candy: Didn't you two just go through a super bananas situation? With like, poison? He kept saying how he almost lost you, and it was hell and stuff. Chloe: Yeah, i-it was bananas. It, it, I... Went through a lot, and, um... And I... I guess he did, too. Lucifer enters in the room. Lucifer: Great. Statement given... Candy. Oh! Candy jumps in Lucifer's arms. Candy: Ow. Lucifer: Uh, Candy darling, the detective's not a big fan of PDA. Chloe: It's fine. I'm just glad she's here for you... See you tomorrow at the precinct. Lucifer: Detective. Chloe: Don't be late. Charlotte is in her office, she is trying to write a letter to Lucifer. He comes in. Lucifer: Amenadiel seems to think I owe you a chat. So I'll start by saying I do not forgive you. Charlotte: I deserve that. Lucifer: Hmm. However, you did make quite a sacrifice for me. Despite your callous manipulations, maybe you were well-intentioned somewhere, deep, deep down. Perhaps that counts for something. Charlotte: I'm glad you think so, son. Lucifer: Besides, I'm far more pissed off at Dad. I mean, you just tried to speed up feelings I already had, whereas he... Well. He made all those feelings a lie... Anyway. Nice catching up. I'll see you in a few millennia. Charlotte: Lucifer, wait... I appreciate your honesty. And now, I'd like to be honest with you. Lucifer: Oh. This'll be a hoot. Charlotte: Since I escaped Hell, all I've wanted is to get back to the Silver City, to reunite our family. Lucifer: You're still fantasizing about heavenly rebellion? Just let it go, Mum. Been there, done that, big fall. Charlotte: But that's just it. Why do you think you lost that fight? Lucifer: Oh, I don't know, let's have a think, shall we? Not enough cardio? The fact that dear old Dad's slightly almighty? Because I was young, woefully foolish and... Charlotte: Unarmed? You know that if you had possessed the Flaming Sword, the weapon that guarded Eden, the weapon that can cut through anything, even the Gates of Heaven itself, well, you would've won that rebellion. Lucifer: Why are you dwelling in the past? The fact is, I didn't have the sword, and Dad destroyed it soon after, so... Charlotte: What if I told you that the sword was right here, on Earth? And it's already in your possession. Lucifer: What? Charlotte: The Flaming Sword is Azrael's blade. We have everything we need to go home. Lucifer joins Candy near a car. Lucifer: Well, the Oscar goes to Candy Morningstar. Candy: You think they bought it? Lucifer: Yes, my mother doesn't know what hit her. So, thank you. For helping me peek inside that scheming head of hers. Candy: Well, it's the least I could do. After what you did for me in Vegas? You saved my life. Pretty sure I'm gonna owe you for the rest of it. Lucifer: Let's call it even, shall we? Candy wants to take of her wedding ring. Candy: Yeah. Oh, that reminds me Lucifer: Oh, no, no, no. You keep that. I hear divorce is quite expensive these days. In fact, why don't you add this one to the, uh, pot? Lucifer gives candy his wedding ring. Candy: Thank you. I'll put them both to good use. 'Cause, you know, I totally have so many plans. Oh, God. Lucifer: Well, to making plans. Candy: Yeah. Lucifer: All right. Candy: Lucifer. I get why you had me con your family. But what is going on with you and Detective Decker? It's none of my business, but... I wouldn't screw that one up. Candy gets in the car and leaves. Lucifer: I'm trying not to.	Plan: A: two weeks; Q: How long does it take Lucifer to return to Los Angeles? A: Chloe; Q: Who is upset with Lucifer's attitude and his decision to marry? A: Lucifer's cavalier attitude; Q: What does Chloe dislike about Lucifer? A: Ash Corrigan; Q: Who is the musician who turns up dead? A: Charlotte; Q: Who suspects that Lucifer is planning revenge? A: Maze; Q: Who suggests that Chloe needs a mediator? A: the mediator Ash; Q: Who did Lucifer's ex-wife see for his divorce? A: Amenadiel confronts; Q: Who confronts Lucifer for hurting Chloe's feelings? A: Doug; Q: Who is the murderer of Ash Corrigan? A: the drummer; Q: What was Doug's job in Ash's band? A: custody; Q: What do Lucifer and Amenadiel take Doug into? A: partners; Q: What do Lucifer and Chloe agree to become again? A: an actress; Q: What is Candy's profession? A: Las Vegas; Q: Where did Candy help Lucifer save her life? Summary: Lucifer returns to Los Angeles after two weeks and introduces his wife Candy to Chloe and Dan. Chloe becomes upset, both with Lucifer's cavalier attitude and his decision to marry. When Ash Corrigan, a musician in a local band, turns up dead, Lucifer tries to help Chloe, but she pushes him away. Meanwhile, Amenadiel and Charlotte also discover that Lucifer is married and Charlotte suspects that Lucifer is planning some sort of revenge. When Maze suggests that Chloe needs a mediator, Chloe impersonates Candy as a means of getting an appointment with the mediator Ash saw for his divorce. Amenadiel confronts Lucifer for hurting Chloe's feelings. Lucifer tells him he is not trying to hurt her; rather, he is protecting her. The two discover that Doug, the drummer of Ash's band, is the murderer and take him into custody. Lucifer and Chloe agree to become partners again. It is revealed that Lucifer never married Candy, who turns out to be an actress who helped Lucifer in return for his saving her life in Las Vegas.
Oscar: ...Lord of the Rings trilogy, if you see it back to back, it's really long. But it's good. Jim: [off camera] Yeah, that's right. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Michael: Pam! It's Michael. Help me! I need help right now. Pam: Michael, what's wrong? Michael: I'm hurt, I have hurt myself. Oh my God! Pam: Ok, wait wait wait wait... Michael: Ungh, this is not looking good Pam! Pam: Michael, do you need me to call an ambulance?! Michael: No, I want you to pick me up. Jim: What? Pam: Ok... Jim: What's going on? Pam: Wait a second, I thought you said that you were hurt. Michael: I am hurt. I hurt my foot. Jim: I'm sorry? Pam. Pam: [exasperated] Jim: What is going on? Michael: I want to come to work. But I need you to come and pick me up. [Jim lunges across Pam's desk and puts Michael on speakerphone] Michael: OH GOD! Jim: Hey, whoa, Michael... Michael: Oh God! Jim: It's, okay, it's Jim. Just say again, uh, really loudly what happened. Michael: OK, buhhhh, I burned my foot very badly on my Foreman Grill and I now need someone to come and bring me into work. Jim: You burned your foot on a Foreman Grill? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since I don't have a butler, I have to do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill, I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it's good for me. It's the perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped onto the grill and it clamped down on my foot... that's it. I don't see what's so hard to believe about that. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Pam, could you come get me?! Pam: Uh, I have to stay here and answer the phone. Michael: Ok, could someone come and get me please, Ryan? Phyllis: Michael, you should stay home and rest. Michael: There's no toilet paper here. Could Ryan... tell Ryan to bring toilet paper. Could you tell 'em that? Kevin: Can you hop? Michael: I tried hopping, Kevin, and I bumped my elbow against the wall and now my elbow has a protruberance. Michael: [panicked] No one wants to pick me up!? Dwight: [silence, Dwight enters the office] What is going on? What is going on? Pam: Michael, is, um, sick and he wants one of us to rescue him. Michael: I'm not sick! I'm burned! Dwight: I'm coming Michael! Jim: Oh... Dwight: I'm gonna save you! Michael: Don't... is that Dwight? I do not want Dwight. Dwight: Hold on Michael! I am coming! Wait there! Michael: I don't want Dwight! Pam: Michael, why don't you call your girlfriend? Michael: I don't have a girlfriend. Jim: But you said that you went out with her this weekend. Michael: It was all made up. Just someone come, ok? Anyone. Anyone but Dwight. Jim: [sounds of a car crash] What was that... Pam: What was that?! [everyone runs to Michael's office window] Jim: Oh! Pam: Ohhhhhh! Jim: He hit the pole! Jim: It's broken right, he can't... Pam: Oh my gosh. Jim: Oh Dwight, Dwight, [Dwight pukes on his back windshield] Ohhhhhh! Jim and Pam: Oh my God! Pam: Is he ok? Jim: He's still driving... Dwight, you forgot your bumper! Michael: Hellooo? ... Please don't send Dwight! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Morning everyone. Don't freak out. I forbid anybody to freak out. Clearly, I have had a very serious accident, but I will recover, God willing. I just want to be treated normally today. Normal would actually be good, considering the trauma that I've been through. Pam: You missed two big conference calls today, one with corporate. Michael: Did you explain why? Pam: No, I didn't mention that you cooked your foot. Michael: Burned my foot, Pam. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Please stop popping my cast. Thank you. Jim: So, where are you shipping your foot? Michael: Ha ha ha. So where are you shipping... Dwight: Your foot? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Thank you. Pam, messages please? Pam: You didn't have any. Michael: Really, well, it, uh, seemed very important to you earlier that you needed to stay and... Pam: And do my job? Michael: No, your job is being my friend, Pam. OW! God! Dwight: [holding mini-fan] It slipped. Michael: What? Dwight: Sorry. Pam: It's just that before, you said that you didn't want any special treatment. Michael: I don't want any special treatment, Pam. I just want you to treat me like you would some family member who's undergone some sort of serious physical trauma. I don't think that's too much to ask. Pam: Do you want some aspirin, because you seem a little fussy. Michael: No, I don't want some aspirin, yeah I'm a little fussy. Aspirin's not gonna do a damn thing. I'm sitting here with a bloody stump of a foot. Dwight: Hey, Pam, I'm assistant regional manager, and I can take care of him. Part of my duties are to. Michael: What? Part of your duties are to what? Dwight: What? Michael: You just said "part of your duties are to" something. Dwight: No, I didn't. Michael: Yes, you did. What is wrong with you? Dwight: What is wrong with you? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Where is my cornbread? Ryan: Here you go. Michael: Thank you. Did you get all dark meat like I like? Ryan: Yes. I ordered three full rotisserie chickens worth of all dark meat. Michael: Where are the yams? Ryan: They were out of yams. I got you creamed spinach. Michael: Did you go to the one in Stroudsburg? Ryan: Yes. Michael: And they had no yams? Ryan: They had no yams. Michael: How strange. Because they always have yams. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Aw, man, is that a Prism Duro-Sport? Pam: You've seen one of these? Dwight: Yeah, they're like an i-Pod only they're better 'cause they're chunkier and more solid. Pam: Roy gave it to me for Christmas. I'm trying to figure out how to put songs on it. Dwight: Oh, no no no. Don't go there. I know this Russian website where you can download songs for two cents a piece. Pam: Really? Dwight: Yeah, I'll write down the address for you. Only, the only thing is, is that all the songs are in Russian. ... Kidding! Pam: Oh! Ha, haha. Dwight: Why would they all be...? Ok, see you later, Pan. Pam: Pan? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Pam... PAAAM!? Pam: Oh, God. Pam: [phone rings] What. Michael: Come here please. Pam: Tell me before I come there. Michael: I want you to rub butter on my foot. Pam: No. Michael: Pam, please? I have Country Crock. Pam: No. Michael: Uh, ow. Ryan! ... Ryaaaaan ... RYYYYAN! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: These covers are totally indestructible. Pam: Really? Dwight: Yeah. Throw it. I promise it won't break. Chuck it. [Pam throws her mp3 player] Dwight: Oh no, it's broken. Pam: What?! Dwight: No, it's fine. I told you it wouldn't break. You could throw it all day long. Pam: That is so cool. Thanks Dwight! Dwight: Yep. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: So, I guess Pam and Dwight are friends now. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Oh God no, Dwight isn't my friend... Oh my God! Dwight's kind of my friend! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: No, nope, no one is helping me out at all Mom. No, I'm not gonna call Jan. She'd just worry... drive down here and make a big thing... Who told you that? No, it was mutual. What is Pam doing chatting with you? [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Huh. Do you like candy? Angela: It's alright. Dwight: Cause you're sweeter than candy. Angela: What is wrong with you? [Dwight pats Angela on the rear and runs away laughing] Angela: Hey! [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: Wow, you just dive right into it. Ryan: You know, around age twelve, I just started goin' for it. Michael: [loud noise in bathroom] No! Guh! OW! Awww, help, help me! Toby: What, what happened? Michael: I fell off the toilet. I'm caught between the toilet and the wall. Toby: What do you need? Michael: Ugh, not you. Someone else. Get Pam. Toby: I don't think Pam's gonna want to come into the men's room. Michael: Get Ryan. He needs to lift me. [Ryan shakes his head] and he needs to clean me up a little bit. Bring a wet towel. Toby: Ryan, is, uh, dead. Michael: No, he's not. Toby: Dead. Michael: I just saw him. Toby: No. Can't, can't you just get up yourself? I... You only grilled your foot. Michael: Ugh, forget it. I'll just get up myself. No! Uh, aaaahhh! Ah! Oh God! [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Do you think Dwight's bein' a little weird today? Pam: No, he's actually been really nice and helpful. Jim: And that isn't weird? Pam: Wow... Michael: Can I have everyone's attention please? Phyllis, Oscar, Ryan, who's supposed to be dead, can I ask you all a question? Do you all know what it's like to be disabled? Oscar? Phyllis: Um, I had scoliosis as a girl. Michael: No, never heard of it. No, a real disability, not a woman's trouble. Creed: When I was a teenager, I was in an iron lung. Michael: Wuh, how, how old are you? Look, the point is, I am the only one here who has a legitimate disability, although I'm sure Stanley has had his fair share of obstacles. Stanley: I'm not disabled and neither are you. Michael: Ok, [lifts up cooked foot] what does this look like to you Stanley?! Stanley: Mailboxes, Etc. Michael: Shuuut it, ok, well, well you know what, disabilities are not things to be laughed at or laughed about. You people are jerks. Imagine if you had left Stevie Wonder on the floor of that bathroom instead of me. Phyllis: Oh, we wouldn't. We love Stevie Wonder. Michael: [sigh] I burned my foot!!! Ok, twenty minutes, conference room, everybody's in there! Dwight: [looking up at Creed] Dad? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: While we are waiting for our special guest to arrive, I wanted you all to take a look at a few of the many, many disabled icons who have contributed so much to our society. Jim: Quick question: uh, why is Tom Hanks on the wall? Ryan: Twice. Michael: Good question. Forrest Gump: mentally challenged, Philadelphia [points to a picture from Big][/b]: AIDS. Kevin: I think that's from Big. Michael: I don't think so, no. Kelly: Yeah, he's dancing on a piano with Robert Loggia. Michael: He grew into a man overnight. Rare disability, still works. [sigh] A crossword puzzle Stanley, seriously, are you learning nothing here? Stanley: Uh hmmmm... . Michael: What you mean uh hmmm... ? Stanley: I mean I'm learning nothing. Michael: Ok. Billy Merchant: Michael Scott, I'm looking for Michael Scott. Michael: Yes, right in here, come on in. Billy Merchant: Great. Michael: This, ladies and gentlemen, is our special guest. Billy Merchant: Sorry I'm late. Someone parked in the handicapped parking space. Billy Merchant: Hey everyone, I'm Billy Merchant, you may have seen me around here before, I'm the properties manager of this office park Michael: You are so brave. You are so brave. Billy Merchant: Thank you. Actually, I've been meaning to come by here for a long time... Michael: But it's hard for you! Right? Because you're in a wheelchair. Billy Merchant: No, I just have a lot of properties to manage. Michael: Let me ask you something, how long does it take for you to do something simple, every day, like brush your teeth in the morning? Billy Merchant: I don't know, like 30 seconds? Michael: Oh my God, that's three times as long as it takes me. Michael: How did you get in your wheelchair? Billy Merchant: This morning? Just like every other morning, just climbed on in. [Everyone laughs] Michael: Hey, hey, hey, not funny! Not funny. Billy Merchant: Hey, hey, relax, just jokin around here. Michael: Well, that's good, he still has a sense of humor. Billy Merchant: Listen, I've actually used a chair since I was four years old. I don't really notice it anymore. Michael: Well they notice it. Don't you? You notice it. It's the first thing you saw when he rolled in here, isn't it? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: I want to clamp Michael's face in a George Foreman grill. [SCENE_BREAK] Billy Merchant: So, there are just a couple things I want to remind everybody of... Michael: Ok... Billy Merchant: First is parking. You can't block the freight entrance with your car, even if your blinkers are on. Does anybody have any questions? [to Dwight, whose arms is raised] Yes. Yeah? yes... Pam: Dwight, you have your hand up. Michael: Ignore him. You know what? We're not that different, you and I. When I clamped my foot into a non-stick... Billy Merchant: You know what Michael? Michael: Yeah... Billy Merchant: Let me stop you right there. Michael: Ok. Billy Merchant: And leave. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Did you see Born on the Fourth of July? I was under the impression that Billy would be more like that guy. [SCENE_BREAK] Billy Merchant: What's wrong with that guy? Jim: You mean today? He stepped on a George Foremen grill and he burned his foot. Billy Merchant: No, not Michael. The moon-faced kid who crashed into the pole. He looks like he has a concussion. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [popping his bubble wrap cast] Hey! Ryan: I found the pudding cups you wanted in a gas station in Carbondale! Michael: You did it! Look at you, and with the plate and the napkin. Very nice. Thank you, Ryan. Ryan: You are very welcome. Michael: Did you get the yams? Ryan: No, the gas station in Carbondale did not have fresh yams! Michael: [sigh] Ok, I'll just have the pudding. Ryan: You sure? Michael: Yeh. Ryan: Ok. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: You know what? I feel better. Ryan brought me some chocolate pudding and his kindness healed my foot. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Yeah, baby, I am feelin' better. My body's literally healing itself. It is amazing what the human body is capable of when you have a powerful brain. [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: I ground up four extra-strength aspirin and put them in Michael's pudding. I do the same thing with my dog to get him to take his heartworm medicine. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Uh, finally feel the blood coursing through my foot veins. Dwight: [hits his head on his desk] Uh, ugh, ohhhh... Jim: Uh, ok, I think we need to take him to the hospital because I'm pretty sure he has a concussion. Michael: Oh, now you feel some compassion for him. Angela: He needs to go right now, and you're his emergency contact. I think that you should go with him. Michael: Why don't you go with him? Angela: I, barely know him... Dwight: I want Michael to take me... Michael: I can't take you, I don't have my car and yours is all vomity. Meredith: You can take my van! Michael: Oh, ok, that's, great. No, I can't drive. Jim why don't you drive. Jim: Fine. Michael: We'll go. I'm still recovering. So let's just, Ryan, could you get my coat please. Jim: Slowly, slowly. Let's just get to the elevator. Dwight: Choo choo choo choo choo choo... Jim: What are you doing? What, stop... Dwight: Vietnam sounds. Jim: [Dwight falls onto the couch] Stop, stop, stop, stop. Dwight: Tired... [Jim grabs spray bottle from planter] Jim: You can't lay down. Dwight: Want to take a rake... . Jim: Wake up. [sprays Dwight] Dwight: Ahh! Pam: Dwight, here, let me help you Dwight. Jim: I'm just gonna get... Dwight: Ok, Pam, thanks. Pam: Get up, get up. Dwight: You're the best. Pam: Yeah. Jim: Just keep him awake. Dwight: It smells like chicken soup. Pam: I know. Dwight: I have to go to the hospital. Pam: I know. Dwight: Where we going? Pam: I just want to say goodbye ok? Dwight: I'll be back, I mean... Pam: Yes, I know, but it's gonna be different. Dwight: Why? Pam: It's just hard to explain. Dwight: Aw, Pam, you're adorable [taps her nose] Pam: Oh my goodness! Dwight: [giggles] Pam: Come here. Dwight: Oh, huggy hugs. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Shotgun! Jim: You don't think you should sit in the back with Dwight? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: The rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear. The first person to shout "shotgun" when you're within the sight of the car gets the front seat. That's how the game's played. There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Oh, God, a mini-van. What is Meredith's problem? Jim: Well, I think she has a kid. Michael: Well, yeah she has one kid, no husband. She's not gonna find one driving this thing around. Dwight: Where are we going? Jim: Come on, get inside. Dwight: Where are we going? Jim: We're going to Chuck E. Cheese. Michael: Chuck E. Cheese? Oh, God, I'm so sick of Chuck E. Cheese. Jim: We're going to the hospital, Michael. Michael: I know, just sayin'. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Dwight, what are you drinking? Dwight: I found it under the seat. Jim: Oh my God, Dwight, put that down. Dwight: I'm thirsty. Jim: Give the bottle to Michael [sprays Dwight] Dwight: No! Jim: Give the bottle to Michael! Dwight: I'm thirsty! Michael: Give it to me. Dwight: No. Michael: Dwight... [to Jim] You just keep your eyes on the road. [to Dwight] Give me the bottle or you're fired. Dwight: You can't fire me, I don't work in this van! Michael: Give it to me Dwight. Dwight: No. [takes a drink] Michael: Give me the bottle!! Jim: [to Michael] Will you stop? Michael: Gimme the bottle, Dwight! Jim: Michael stop. Dwight: [drinks] Mmmmm... Michael: Just give it! Jim: Michael stop. [sprays Michael, then Dwight] Michael: Stop, stop it! Stop spraying! [Dwight whines] Gimme the bottle! Jim: Stop [sprays Michael] Dwight: My eyes! Michael: Stop spraying me! Gimme the bottle! Dwight: My eyes! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Dwight, what is your middle name. Dwight: Danger. Michael: [sigh] Something with a "K". Jim: It's Kurt. Wow, I am so sad that I know that. Michael: What do I write under "reason for visit"? Jim: Concussion. [Michael scribbles something out] What did you write? Michael: Nothing. I wrote "bringing someone to the hospital". Jim: So you thought they meant your reason for coming to the hospital. Michael: No... you know what Jim, this isn't about me anymore. I made a miraculous recovery, which is more than I can say for him. [Dwight falls towards Jim] Jim: Come on Dwight. [sprays Dwight] Dwight: Hi Michael! Michael: Hi Dwight. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Ahhh. Mweehaa Michael: Doctor, what is more serious, a head injury or a foot injury? Doctor: A head injury. Michael: Well, you don't have all the information. The foot as been fairly severely burned and healed quickly, very quickly, actually like suspiciously quickly. Doctor: [to Dwight] So, I'm ordering a CAT scan. Dwight: What is that? Michael: Look since you have the machine up and running, can I just stick my foot, we take a look? Doctor: Well, for a burn, you really just need to look at the outside of the foot. Michael: Ok, what kinda machine is that? Doctor: Does the skin look red and swollen? Dwight: That's what she said. Michael: That's my joke, damnit Dwight. [SCENE_BREAK] Lab Tech: Ok, no electronics past this point. Camera, sound equipment... Michael: It's ok, they're with me. Lab Tech: No metal of any kind. Michael: Alright, well, I guess this is where we leave you off. Dwight: I don't want to do this. Michael: Uh, well you should of thought of before you crashed your head on your way to pick me up. We'll, see you when you get out. Dwight: Oh. Michael: Fine. Fine. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Jim: Dunder Mifflin, this is Jim. Pam: Oh my God, what is going on, is Dwight ok? Jim: Uh hmm, he should be fine, but, uh, they brought him in for a CAT scan. Pam: I can't believe he's getting a CAT scan. Jim: Michael went in there with him too. It's pretty sweet. Pam: Really? Michael went in with him? Jim: Uh huh. Pam: Wow. Jim: But they shouldn't be much longer now, so we'll be back soon. Pam: Ok, that's uh, good news [Pam sees Angela eavesdropping] Uh, yeah, no I'll let you go. Jim: Ok. Pam: Ok. Bye. Jim: Bye. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Hey, Oscar? Oscar: What's up, Pam? Pam: I just wanted to let you that Dwight's gonna be ok. The doctor said there's a really simple treatment for a concussion, so he'll probably even be back at work tomorrow. Oscar: Ok... Pam: I just, uh, thought you'd want to know that. [SCENE_BREAK] Lab Tech: Ok Mr. Schrute, inhale with me on three. One, two, uh Sir? [Michael tries to put his leg in the scanner] Stop that. Stop. Stop that.	Plan: A: Michael; Q: Who burns his foot on a George Foreman grill? A: his house; Q: Where does Michael want an employee of the office to pick him up from? A: Dwight volunteers; Q: Who crashes his car? A: his good-natured side; Q: What does Dwight's concussion bring out in him? A: Jim; Q: Who takes Michael and Dwight to the hospital? Summary: Michael burns his foot on a George Foreman grill while at his own home. He requests that one of the employees of the office come to his house to pick him up. Dwight volunteers, but crashes his car. Dwight suffers a concussion , but it brings out his good-natured side, and he is kind and helpful to the other employees. Jim later takes Michael and Dwight to the hospital .
"Yanks in the U.K. Part II" [SCENE_BREAK] Continuation of Yanks in the U.K (Fade into: Jeffersonian Institute: Medico-Legal Lab. Forensic Platform) (Hodgins, Angela, Cam and Sweets enter the platform to find Clark working on a skeleton) HODGINS: Clark, some lunch? CLARK: I was told to catalog all unidentified remains while Dr. Brennan was away. CAM: And you were told to do this without eating? CLARK: Dr. Brennan was quite adamant they all be done before her return. ANGELA:Oh come on, Clark. The divorce papers are signed and the wedding is on again and we are all going to celebrate. SWEETS: Um, I'm sure he feels that your invitation is a polite but insincere attempt not to exclude him. HODGINS: Aww, we are just trying to spread the sunshine here, Clark. (Off screen a throat is cleared. They all look toward the platform entrance. It is Grayson. Clark looks annoyed) GRAYSON: I just wanted to say good-bye, Angela. I'm off to the airport. ANGELA:Oh, thanks. That's nice. And thanks for the divorce, I really appreciate it. GRAYSON: You're happiness is all that matters to me. And if in a day, a week, or a year you want me back in your life, I'll be there. HODGINS: Right. Well, we've got your number so have a good trip. GRAYSON: Cherish her. HODGINS: Done. CLARK: Isn't this all extremely awkward? CAM: That's sad. SWEETS: It's actually a display of conflicting emotions what Reich called the "battle for orgastic potency," which- CAM: Maybe later. SWEETS: Sure. CAM: Would you like a ride to the airport? GRAYSON: That would be very kind. ANGELA:Thanks, Cam. CAM: Sure. (Cam and Grayson exit) CLARK: Honestly, guys. I don't have to be included in everything. (Clark leaves) (Angela and Hodgins smile and pick up their coats) (Cut to: London: Outside Brennan's Hotel) (Brennan and Booth are loading all of Brennan's bags into a cab. She has a couple suitcases and tons of present bags) BOOTH: So Wexler still hasn't called you, huh? BRENNAN: Ian is the top forensic anthropologist in England. He's a very busy man, Booth. BOOTH: Busy trying to get you into bed for the past two weeks. The least he can do is call---God, we're gonna need another cab just for all your stuff. BRENNAN: I was given lots of presents by the students at Oxford. (Brennan goes to grab another bag) BOOTH: No, no, no, no, no! Don't touch that one. (Booth instead hands her 4 of her present bags) BRENNAN: Why? What is it? BOOTH: Why? Because your students gave you your gifts, and the cops at Scotland Yard gave me a little something-something for their appreciation. (Booth pulls out a bobby toy) Huh? BRENNAN: What is that? BOOTH: (In a British accent) It's a bobblehead bobby. (Booth begins to shake it and shakes his own head as well) BRENNAN: That's all you got? BOOTH: Well it's a real nice one. Look. (The bellman brings over more of Brennan's bags) Oh. What is this now the queen's jewels? BRENNAN: Well, the bellman will help. BOOTH: No. He's better dressed than I've ever been. He'll get all dirty. I gotta tell you. You know what? There's no rule saying you can't call him. (Booth brings his present and army duffle to the cab) Although I gotta tell you, a guy who doesn't wanna talk to you just because you decide not to have sx with him, he can't be that great. BRENNAN: (Coming out of the car) What? In bed? BOOTH: No. A great guy. BRENNAN: Oh, because I think Ian would be great in bed. BOOTH: Okay, next. (To the bellman) Alright, hey pal, how about a little help? I gotta get to the airport. Come on. (Cut to: Washington D.C. - A hotel room. Soul music is playing in the background. Grayson is naked in bed. Cam arises from the other side of him, also naked.) CAM: (Sighs) I'm sorry they canceled your flight. GRAYSON: I'm not. CAM: Neither am I. I was just trying to be polite. (They kiss. Grayson laughs.) GRAYSON: You know it's getting late. CAM: Mmmm. GRAYSON: Let me order you some breakfast before you go to work. CAM: Earth-shattering sx and breakfast? I can die a happy woman. (They begin to make out and roll over in bed.) GRAYSON: Mmmm. (Cut to: London: Outside Brennan's hotel. Continued.) (A car door slams. Brennan is still placing and organizing bags in the backseat of the cab. Booth is standing next to the door.) BOOTH: You know, I'm glad to be heading home, but I think America dropped too much of the uh, English stuff back in 1776. (Booth hands Brennan more bags) BRENNAN: Like what? BOOTH: You know, like, uh, royalty. BRENNAN: Meaningless title. No real power. BOOTH: What, you never wanted to be a princess when you were a kid? BRENNAN: No. BOOTH: Even now---a castle, the moats, knights in shining armor. (Brennan shakes her head and looks confused.) You know what? I risk my life for the United States government every day. I wonder if I can get Congress to pass something like...(Booth's cell rings.) knighthood. "Sir Seeley Booth." It just sounds right. (He answers his phone.) Booth. BRENNAN: I get my worth from my intelligence and accomplishments. From actual achievements. I don't need a title. (Booth's face drops as he's listening to his phone.) What-What's wrong? (Booth hangs up his phone.) BOOTH: It's Dr. Wexler. (Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab. Forensic Platform) (Clark is still examining the skeleton. He is dictating his findings to Angela and Hodgins.) CLARK: Remodeling and analysis of the marrow indicates the subject lived in or around the coast of North Carolina. ANGELA:(Not really listening to Clark.) We should look in Jamacia CLARK: No evidence suggests the Caribbean. HODGINS: For our wedding. CLARK: Right. What was I thinking? Oh, I was focusing on my work. HODGINS: You'll be in love one day too, Clark. CLARK: Yes, but today I am alone and happily dating multiple women so I can concentrate on my work and not get fired. ANGELA:(Not caring what Clark said.) I also know this little island off the coast of Maine. CLARK: Of course you do. (Cam enters the platform) CAM: Sorry I'm late. What did I miss? CLARK: Ahh, we're deciding between Maine and Jamaica for the wedding. HODGINS: Did Angela's ex get off okay? CAM: Whoa! Sorry? HODGINS: You took him to the airport? CAM: Oh. "Off." Of...of course. Yes, he's off and gone. All gone. ANGELA: Great. Thank you for doing that. CAM: Anytime. Either Maine or Jamaica. You can't really go wrong. (Clark has a look of disbelief on his face) CAM: I should---Bye. (Cam exits. They all turn and look at her with confused faces.) (Cut to: London: Outside a row of apartment buildings. One of the apartments is smoking after getting a fire put out. A fireman is running down the steps. Firetrucks are outside. Sirens blare. Police radio chatter is going on in the background. Booth and Brennan's cab pulls up. Inspector Pritchard is sitting down and sees them arrive. She stands to meet them as they get out of the car. She looks distraught.) PRITCHARD: Ian said you were the best. BRENNAN: What happened? (Pritchard hangs Booth his gun back) Why are you giving him the gun? We're leaving. BOOTH: Inspector Pritchard just asked us to stay, Bones. BRENNAN: You want me to look at some remains? (Pritchard nods.) You think they're Ian's? (She nods again. They look up at the burning building.) MAN: (In background) It's impossible with Scotland Yard all over the place. BOOTH: Are you ready for this? (Brennan nods. She heads towards the apartment. Booth follows. Pritchard pauses, then follows as well.) (Cut to: Inside Ian Wexler's Flat. Continued.) PRITCHARD: (As they enter Ian's apartment. It is completely charred as a firefighter is putting out the last of the flames. A body is on the bed.) This is Ian Wexler's flat. This is Ian Wexler's bed. BOOTH: (Sighs) Wow. (A large piece of the ceiling is crushing the torso of the body as Brennan approaches.) BRENNAN: Markers are consistent with Ian's build and age. Of course I'll need access to a lab to make a definitive conclusion. (Pritchard nods.) BOOTH: I'm sorry, Bones. Pritchard, I can only imagine how difficult this is, losing a partner. PRITCHARD: C.I.D. is saying there appears to have been a gas explosion. BOOTH: (Tapping a bottle on the floor with his foot) Looks like, uh, he was drinking. PRITCHARD: He did enjoy a glass or two. BOOTH: (Pointing to something in Ian's hand.) Bones. Cigarette? BRENNAN: Did Ian smoke? PRITCHARD: Not that I'm aware of. BOOTH: It looks as though he put the kettle on and lit a cigarette. The pilot goes out, there's a gas leak, and whoosh, the place goes up. (He looks inside the kettle.) No water in the kettle. PRITCHARD: Water on the boil does tend to evaporate, Agent Booth. Look, we don't suspect foul play. We just want Dr. Brennan to give us a definitive identification. BOOTH: Water doesn't evaporate if the stove wasn't lit. PRITCHARD: Oh, perhaps even British resolve takes a knock when one loses one's partner. BRENNAN: There's evidence of trauma to the frontal bone. BOOTH: That's gonna happen when the ceiling collapses on you, Bones. BRENNAN: No. This was before the fire. (Pritchard looks horrified.) This was not an accident, Inspector. (Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab. Autopsy Room. Cam is slicing open a brain. Sweets enters.) SWEETS: You wanted to see me? (Sees the brain.) Oh, man, that is cool. CAM: Not why you're here, Dr. Sweets. SWEETS: Sure. But it's amazing that all of our hopes and desires and fantasies, pain and pleasure all reside in three pounds of tissue. CAM: Yeah, great. Well, some part of this little devil made me sleep with Angela's ex. SWEETS: (Yelling) You slept with Angela's ex? CAM: Shh! A little discretion, please? SWEETS: I might say the same to you. CAM: It just happened. I...His flight was canceled, I was parked at the airport hotel, he checked in and I...figured I'd see what all the fuss was about. SWEETS: And was there fuss? CAM: Yes. Well-deserved fuss. SWEETS: Why exactly? CAM: You're here as a shrink Dr. Sweets. Not as a guest on Loveline. SWEETS: Yes. Fine. Sorry. CAM: Should I tell Angela? I mean, we're friends, and I don't want her to find out some other way cause then it'll seem like I'm hiding it. SWEETS: Which you'd like to do because you're feeling guilty. CAM: Yes. Good. Keep going. SWEETS: But he's gone now. CAM: (Looking down.) Almost. SWEETS: Almost? CAM: Well, there aren't as many flights to Fiji as you'd think. SWEETS: Hmm. So it might come up again. CAM: Oh, yes. I'm seeing him again tonight. SWEETS: (Chuckles) I didn't mean it like that. CAM: Neither did I. SWEETS: Right. Okay. Well, it's understandable for you to feel some guilt and anxiety. (Cam picks up the brain) Which, by the way, is centered here. (He points to the brain) CAM: Dr. Sweets. (Cam moves the brain over to a bowl.) SWEETS: Right. Um, you feel you have no right to pleasure because it comes at the expense of your friends. CAM: Yes. You're good. But he's leaving soon, so I could say nothing and hope it all goes away. SWEETS: (Shakes his head.) But you'd still have to carry that anxiety every time you saw Angela. Angela is open-minded by nature. She's happy with Hodgins. I think clearing the air would be good for both of you. CAM: Right. Of course. Thank you. SWEETS: Hmm. Can I touch the brain, just once, as a reward? CAM: (Rolls her eyes) Just once. SWEETS: (He pokes the brain with his forefinger.) It's squishy. (Angela enters the room) ANGELA: Hey, I just got off the phone with Brennan. Her friend Wexler's been killed in a fire. Scotland Yard wants her to help in the investigation. They're sending the remains to Wexler's lab at Oxford. Brennan's gonna use the video link and the Web to send us crime scene photos and X-rays---whatever we need to help. CAM: I'll tell Hodgins and Clark. ANGELA:Yeah. (She exits. Cam begins to clean up.) SWEETS: Yeah. (He pokes the brain again.) (Cut to: Oxford University Lecture Hall. Pritchard is addressing Wexler's students. Booth and Brennan are standing off to the side.) PRITCHARD: We have not yet confirmed beyond a shadow of a doubt that the human remains found in Dr. Ian Wexler's flat. (Booth whispers something to Brennan. She walks towards Pritchard) But, um, there's always a chance (Pritchard begins to get upset.) You see, in cases like this, the--- (Brennan comes over and takes over) BRENNAN: My preliminary findings are that the remains in question are those of Ian Wexler. (All the students gasp) I'm confident that the suspicion will be confirmed later today. Cause of death has not been determined, but we have not ruled out foul play. PRITCHARD: Uh, many of you were close, very close, to Dr. Wexler. And we'd appreciate any information you could provide. (Some students begins crying) Thank you. (Brennan and Pritchard head back towards Booth.) BOOTH: You know, I think we should talk to Sid and Nancy first. A reminder, Agent Booth. There is a proper chain of command and I'm the lead on this investigation. BRENNAN: Why are you talking to him like that? You asked us to stay. PRITCHARD: Well, I feel it's important to be clear. BRENNAN: You gave him a gun and everything. BOOTH: Bones, it's okay. I understand Pritch, we're just here to help. Whatever you need. PRITCHARD: (She nods.) Thank you. (She walks away.) (Cut to: Oxford University Lecture Hall. A little time has passed since the last scene. Booth and Pritchard are interviewing Vera and Cyril) CYRIL: We saw Dr. Wexler night before last. He seemed fine. He was going out--- VERA: He was going out for a drink. Frampton was driving him mad. BOOTH: Why? PRITCHARD: He was trying to shut down the dig. VERA:So he could build one of his condo developments on it. CYRIL: (Visibly angry) What's to become of the dig now? VERA: The bloody dig can wait, Cyril. Dr. Wexler is dead. CYRIL: Dr. Wexler would want the job finished. You know it's true. BOOTH: Well, we're gonna have to talk to the two of you again after Dr. Brennan confirms the cause of death. (Cyril nods.) (Cut to: Oxford University: Wexler's Lab. Brennan is in a lab coat with Ian's remains laid out on the table. She is talking to the team back at the Jeffersonian via video link.) (Scene cuts between Brennan in Ian's lab in London and Clark, Angela, Hodgins and Cam back at the Jeffersonian.) BRENNAN: Legally, the remains have to stay here, but we've uploaded all the X-Rays. I'll have casts of the bones made and ship them to you as they are finished. CLARK: The fire substantially occludes what we can gleam from these images. HODGINS: Can you focus on his feet? BRENNAN: Sure. (She moves the camera towards the feet) HODGINS: (Through the video link) I see soil and a singed sock. Can I have any direct access to particulates? BRENNAN: As soon as Inspector Pritchard gets the okay from Scotland Yard. ANGELA:How you doin' sweetie? BRENNAN: I'm focused on finding out what happened to Ian. CLARK: The X-rays are starting to arrive. (Looking at the X-rays on the computer) I can see the depression fracture you mentioned on the frontal bone. Looks like it was made by a small object, like a ball-peen hammer. CAM: Was there enough tissue for a tox screen? BRENNAN: It's being run now. We'll email you the results. CLARK: (In the monitor) What is that on top of his left femur? BRENNAN: (Inspects the leg) Some kind of plastic which may have been in his pocket. ANGELA: Send me some high-res photos. I'll see if I can speed things along. BRENNAN: Thanks. Call if you find anything. ANGELA: Hey, Brennan, wait. Grayson signed the divorce papers, so the wedding is on again. BRENNAN: Congratulations. Oh, is that bad? To congratulate someone on a divorce? Hard to believe it's over right? CAM: Yeah, hard to believe. Well, we'll talk soon. (She ends the video connection) (Cut back to Oxford University: Wexler's Lab. Brennan turns on her recorder and begins to dictate) BRENNAN: Dr. Temperance Brennan resuming analysis. The material fused into the anterior ventral femur appears to be plastic, partially melted. (She picks up the plastic piece. She places the recorder down, takes off one of her gloves and picks up the phone. She speed-dials.) BOOTH: (Through the phone) Booth. BRENNAN: I found something. BOOTH: What is it? BRENNAN: Where would Ian get a poker chip marked H.G.C.? (Cut to: Highgate Gentlemen's Club - London. Pritchard and Booth are talking to a worker at the club) MAN: Oh, my god. Two nights ago, Dr. Wexler was buying drinks for his friends and playing the tables as if he hadn't a care in the world. BOOTH: Was he with a woman? PRITCHARD: No, this is a gentlemen's club Agent Booth. BOOTH: I didn't see a stage or a pole or dancers or anything like that. PRITCHARD: Ah, no. An English gentlemen's' club is for actual English gentlemen. (Back to the Man.) How did Dr. Wexler strike you? MAN: Uh, flush. BOOTH: What's that mean? PRITCHARD: I believe you say "ro..ro...rolling in the dough"? BOOTH: Huh. MAN: That's right. He uh...He paid off his tab. BOOTH: How much did he owe? MAN: We're getting into ticklish areas of confidentiality now. This is a gentlemen's club after all. PRITCHARD: Scotland Yard will guarantee the F.B.I.'s discretion. (to Booth) Isn't that right, Agent Booth? BOOTH: Hmm? Yeah, right. MAN: Over 5,000 pounds. He paid it off in cash. BOOTH: Where'd he get that kind of money? MAN: I'm sure I have no idea. PRITCHARD: Please? MAN: Look, I, um...(reaches into jacket pocket for phone) took this, you might say, as a precaution even though Dr. Wexler told us that he knew the gentlemen and everything was fine. (Plays video on phone. Wexler is playing craps.) This was taken from the security camera. BOOTH: Nice tattoo. (The video shows two men coming up to Wexler and pulling him away from the game in a struggle. They lead him out the door) BOOTH: The guy with the tattoo is taking him away. (Pritchard, shocked, walks away) MAN: If I thought they were going to kill him, then I'd have done something. BOOTH: Don't beat yourself up, pal. You know, I'm sure you did the best you could. (Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab. Forensic Platform. Cam and Angela are walking below the platform) CAM: Tox screen showed he had quite a night with his friends Mr. Scotch and Mr. Merlot. Blood alcohol level was 0.18. No drugs, recreational or otherwise. (They enter the platform) And no evidence of nicotine. ANGELA:So what was the cigarette doing in his hand? CAM: Put there to justify the explosion, I would imagine. (They approach Clark who is looking at the bone casts) What have you found Mr. Edison? CLARK: Well, if the casts are accurate, new bone growth formed a craggy surgact on the scapulas and both the left and right lateral epicondyles. CAM: Meaning? CLARK: The victim had bursitis caused by strenuous repetitive motion. The only time I've seen this was on an autopsy of a sculler. ANGELA:What is that? Like a fish? CAM: A sculler is someone who crews on a rowing team. CLARK: I also examined the fracture to his frontal bone. It was the result of a head butt. ANGELA:Ouch. CAM: I concur. I'll send your findings to Dr. Brennan. CLARK: Thank you. CAM: What are you working on Angela ANGELA:Uh, blowing up all the photos of the remains for Clark and Hodgins. Trying not to lost quality. CAM: Excellent. (She begins to walk away) Oh, one other thing. I slept with your husband. Ex-husband. (Clark looks up, annoyed) ANGELA:What? CLARK: Good-bye. (Clark begins to walk away. Cam grabs his arm.) CAM: Don't leave, Mr. Edison. I need a witness. CLARK: I'm sure you can find somebody who's been here longer than I have. CAM: Are you one of us or not? CLARK: Uh, no, I'm not one of us. CAM: Well, you'll do anyway. (She walks towards Angela, dragging Clark along) I just...Angela, I slept with him, and I feel really weird about it. ANGELA: Wai-How? Did-I mean, when? CLARK: (In complete disbelief) Oh, God. CAM: Grayson's flight was cancelled and one thing led to another. He's very attractive, so...we spent the night together. I'm sorry. ANGELA:(Sighs) It's okay. CAM: Really? ANGELA: Of course. Why not? We're divorced, so...I mean, I got what I wanted from him so now I guess you did too. CAM: Well, yeah. CLARK: Can I go now, please? (Clark waits for a response. When Cam continues talking to Angela, he leaves) CAM: Angela, I...You are an amazing person. (Hodgins walks to the table) HODGINS: Why are you amazing now? CAM: I slept with Grayson and Angela's okay with it. HODGINS: Of course. (Angela laughs) ANGELA: Why should I care? I'm gonna marry you. HODGINS: Well I see no holes in your logic. (He kisses Angela) CAM: And he'll be gone in a day. (Hodgins looks at her, confused) HODGINS: He's still here? Wow, that...must've gone well. CAM: (Pointing to the folder Hodgins is carrying) Is that something for me? HODGINS: Uh, yeah. It's preliminary results of particulate and bug analysis. Now, I found microphytobenthos algae, epipsammic and epipelic diatoms as well as a Chironomus riparius, or midge fly, all of which were on the clothing shreds they sent me. ANGELA: Well, you're excited so it must mean something. HODGINS: The levels of sediment on the algae indicate that the victim was near the Henley-on-Thames within 24 hours of his death. CAM: The Henley Royal Regatta takes place there---rowing. (Cut to: Henley-on-Thames: The boathouse and dock. Two rowers carry a boat from the boathouse as Booth and Brennan come around the corner into the open work area) BRENNAN: Why are you doing this with me and not Inspector Pritchard? BOOTH: Oh, come on, Bones. You and me, we're the real deal. Ah, look. She's having a tough time with this. I would, too you know, if you were killed. BRENNAN: Oh yeah, you're sentimental that way. (They approach the two rowers we saw take the boat out from the boathouse) BOOTH: Excuse me. The guy at the main boathouse told me that, uh, Dr. Wexler was a teammate of you blokes. (he says "blokes" in an English accent) BRENNAN: (Scoffs) Ha, blokes? BOOTH: Yeah, you know. Kinda feelin' at home. (Booth taps one of the rowers on the shoulder with his badge. The rower turns.) BOOTH: F.B.I. Special Agent Booth. I have a few questions...(The rower turns back to the boat. Booth slaps his badge against the rower's back) Hey, I'm talking here. ROWER #1: (Turning toward Booth) I think you're a bit lost mate. You looking for America? Head for the coast, swim across the big pond. And you'll find a bunch of Yanks you can ask whatever you want. All right? (He tries to walk around the boat. Booth grabs his arm to stop him) BOOTH: Is that right? Excuse me, but--- (The rower head butts Booth. Booth moves back slightly. The rower, not expecting Booth to be so hard, falls to the ground in pain.) Oh! BRENNAN: We're working with Scotland Yard. I'm Dr. Brennan. Ian was a friend of mine. (Rower #1 gets up off the ground shaking his head) ROWER #1: God, the man's got a head like a boulder. ROWER #2: You're the American bird Wexler was talking about, aren't you? ROWER #1: I'm surprised that lady cop of his isn't look out for him. ROWER #2: Yeah, the two of them seemed, uh, more than colleagues. BRENNAN: Uh, Inspector Pritchard and Dr. Wexler had a sexual relationship? ROWER #1: Listen, love, Ian isn't exactly the faithful type, so if he's promised you something--- (Booth stops him) BOOTH: He's dead. He was murdered. ROWER #2: No. ROWER #1: What? We had a race this afternoon. I thought we'd be seeing him. BRENNAN: That's a pretty distinctive tattoo you got there. BOOTH: Any chance you were at the Highgate Club night before last? ROWER #1: (Stammering) Woah, woah, wait. You, you think we killed Wex? BRENNAN: Well, you dragged him out of the club didn't you? ROWER #2: This is bollocks! ROWER #1: Look, we had a race. We don't sober Wex up in time, he's no good to us. ROWER #2: His timing is completely discombobulated from the alcohol. BOOTH: So you beat him up? ROWER #1: No. we dragged him into a bed in the boathouse and poured coffee into him in the morning. BRENNAN: His frontal bone was bruised. (ROWER #1 looks confused) BOOTH: His forehead. Maybe you gave him a good crack like you just gave me? ROWER #2: No! He didn't head-butt Wex. Tell you who did---a coxswain for the Queen's Light Guards. (to ROWER #1) What's his name? ROWER #1: It's Jasper Ferry (Cut to: Outside the Queen's Palace - London. Booth is staring into the face of Jasper Ferry, of the Queen's guards. Brennan stands next to him) BRENNAN: Booth, he's not gonna talk to you. It's a tradition. BOOTH: I know that, Bones. But I think I almost got him. There's a little sweat coming off the side of his face. PRITCHARD: (Approaching) If you interfere with one of the Queen's guards, I'm afraid I shall have to arrest you, Agent Booth. BOOTH: Simmer down. I'm not doing anything wrong here. I'm just waiting for Lieutenant Ferry to go off duty. That's all. PRITCHARD: He did not murder Ian. BOOTH: (turning to Pritchard) How do you know that? BRENNAN: My colleagues at the Jeffersonian have discovered some very compelling evidence. PRITCHARD: I imagine that you learned that two of Wexler's teammates from Henley-on-Thames abducted him from the club in order to sober him up before a race. Then they told you about his argument and subsequent fight with Lieutenant Jasper Ferry here which Wexler lost after a well-deserved head-butt. BOOTH: Why is everybody head-butting everybody around here? What's wrong with a good sock to the jaw? BRENNAN: Well-deserved? Why well-deserved? PRITCHARD: (Sighs) Ian was shagging Lieutenant Jasper Ferry's sister. BOOTH: Oh. How'd you figure that out? PRITCHARD: A revolutionary technique which consists of asking a series of questions to a murder victim's friends. Nonetheless, I'm terribly impressed that your scientists can deduce almost as much from a few particulates. Almost as much. (Pritchard walks away) BRENNAN: Almost as much? (Booth walks back over to Ferry) BOOTH: Look, I'm sorry about your sister. (Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab. The floor around the platform. Cam and Sweets are walking) CAM: I really have to thank you. That was excellent advice. SWEETS: You're welcome. It's always best to be honest. CAM: Good. Then I can tell you it was touch to take you seriously at first. (They walk onto the platform) I mean, you don't even look old enough to drive, so I thought, "How could you possibly have any valid insights?" SWEETS: I have two doctorates. (Cam places a folder down) CAM: I know, but doctorates don't teach you about sexual matters. And being so young, I--- SWEETS: I get it, Dr. Saroyan. CAM: I'm just--- SWEETS: Being honest, I know. CAM: I'm just very grateful to you, Dr. Sweets. That's all. (They leave the platform and walk to Hodgins' work station where Angela and Hodgins are working together.) Dr. Hodgins, Scotland Yard was interested in those other particulates you'd found that did not indicate Henley. HODGINS: (sounding annoyed) Okay. Just....okay. CAM: Okay. And, Angela, I was wondering when you might finish enhancing those photos. Clark needs 'em. ANGELA:You'll have them when they're done. (stands up) What do you think we're doing? Shirking our responsibility or something? (she walks away) HODGINS: You know, we've been doing an excellent job around here even before you showed up so regulate yourself, okay? (he stands and leaves) (Cam looks very confused) SWEETS: I think maybe there's still a few unresolved issues. (Cut to: An outdoor café next to the Thames - London.) PRITCHARD: We're still questioning the female students. It seems that they're all accusing each other---you know, each one thinking they were special to Ian. BOOTH: Hmm. Is that what you think too? PRITCHARD: You've been asking questions of your own, I see. BRENNAN: Apparently you were sleeping with Dr. Wexler. BOOTH: Don't you think that was something you should have told us, Inspector? PRITCHARD: (scoffs) Oh, please. I'm British first, a cop second and a woman third. It's a miracle it ever came to light. BRENNAN: For how long? PRITCHARD: Irrelevant. What you really want to know is if sharing Ian with other women made me want to kill him BRENNAN: Did it? BOOTH: All those pretty, young students? PRITCHARD: The thing that made Ian so very, very good in bed was all that practice. Sorry. Was that indiscreet? I thought Americans were all brash and forthright. (Brennan's cell rings) BOOTH: And here I thought the Brits were frustrated sexually and repressed. BRENNAN: (answering her phone) Brennan. CAM: (on the phone) We found something. You busy? BRENNAN: No, no, this is a fine time. CLARK: (On the phone) Assuming the casts are accurate, I've isolated a stab wound that originates between the sixth and seventh thoracic vertebrae. CAM: Which would have pierced the lung and heart. CLARK: (on the phone) Most definitely. BRENNAN: That's a very deep wound. BOOTH: Bones, what is it? BRENNAN: Ian was stabbed to death. (Booth looks towards Pritchard) A-And the weapon? CLARK: (on the phone) Don't know. Maybe they found something at the scene. BRENNAN: (on the phone) Nice work, Clark. Thanks. (to Pritchard) Did you find any weapon at Ian's apartment that could have been used to stab him? PRITCHARD: (shaking her head) No. And I was there the whole time. (Booth and Brennan look at each other) You're doubting me. BRENNAN: Yes. BOOTH: Wouldn't you? (Pritchard looks offended) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: A sidewalk in London. Inspector Pritchard is walking back to her car. Brennan is running to catch up to her.) BRENNAN: Inspector Pritchard? I just wanted to--- PRITCHARD: Oh, I am not the jealous sort, and you are painfully na've if you think my sx life was limited to Ian, as I'm sure yours was not. BRENNAN: But I didn't sleep with Ian. PRITCHARD: (stopping) You didn't? BRENNAN: No. PRITCHARD: Why not? You obviously fancied each other. BRENNAN: Yes, I noted several physiological responses to his presence which can only be explained by sexual attraction PRITCHARD: So why didn't you sleep with him then? BRENNAN: Because of Booth. PRITCHARD: Ohhh, you know, I suspected that you two might be more than just partners. BRENNAN: Oh, no. That's incorrect. Booth advised me not to sleep with Ian because Booth didn't want me to be another notch on Ian's bedpost. PRITCHARD: See, I rather saw it as climbing Everest. Of course it's been done before but the experience is still breathtaking. BRENNAN: You have a strong sexual appetite and you're not hamstrung by social moralizing. I can empathize with that. PRITCHARD: Thank you. (they begin to walk down the sidewalk again) BRENNAN: Well, why didn't you tell us you had a relationship with Wexler? PRITCHARD: Because I thought I'd be taken off the case. I mean, if Agent Booth was murdered, wouldn't you do anything in your powers to make sure that you found the killer? BRENNAN: Yes. But I don't sleep with Booth. Have you withheld any other information? PRITCHARD: Why on earth would I do that? BRENNAN: Because you called a meeting to talk to us, then Clark called to give us cause of death, and then we basically accused you of murder. So while Booth went to get our car, I followed you to your car, and we began discussing mountain climbing and sx with Ian and--- PRITCHARD: Yes, thank you, Dr. Brennan. I believe I'm up to date now. (Laughs. As she is about to open her car door, she whips back around) Oh! You are absolutely right. I did forget to give you this. (Reaches into purse. Pulls out a letter inside an envelope and gives it to Brennan) BRENNAN: (She opens the envelope) Hmm. It's a writ of release on Frampton's building site. PRITCHARD: The site has been certified as having no historical importance whatsoever. Signed and dates, Dr. Ian Wexler---shortly before his death. BRENNAN: This document would be worth millions of dollars to Frampton. PRITCHARD: I suggest that you and Agent Booth ask Mr. Frampton if he forced Ian to sign that before killing him. BRENNAN: Okay. (Brennan turns to walk away) PRITCHARD: Oh. Word to the wise, Dr. Brennan. I'd encourage you not to forego Everest. BRENNAN: (confused) Well, it's too late. Ian's dead. PRITCHARD: Oh, yes, of course. To whom else would I be referring other than Ian? (Brennan thinks about it, but no realization comes to her) (Cut to: Frampton's apartment - London) FRAMPTON: Me? Kill Wexler? According to the papers, the poor bstrd died in a fire. BRENNAN: That wasn't cause of death. He was stabbed. BOOTH: We do know that Dr. Wexler stood in the way of your latest project. FRAMPTON: He was checking the site for historical value. It's the law. BOOTH: Nothing stands in your way. FRAMPTON: Everything stands in my way, Agent Booth. Environmental groups, historical societies...you know, there's even a radical preservationist group. They threatened me because I want to improve the city. (he hands Brennan a fax) BRENNAN: "Saviours of Antiquity" BOOTH: Hmm. FRAMPTON : I'd like to build a time machine, take all these lunatics and send them back to where there's no air-conditioning or TV. And they can watch their loved ones die from the flu and the plague because there's no medicine. Then see how they like the good old days. BOOTH: Right. Um, Dr. Wexler, uh, signed the writ for you to start building. Correct? (Booth shows him the copy of the writ) FRAMPTON: (laughs) Of course he did. He spent two years rooting around in the dirt, and all he got was dirty. BRENNAN: We couldn't help but notice how recently Dr. Wexler gave his okay for you to build. BOOTH: So I guess the only question is, how forceful did you have to get with him? FRAMPTON: (sighs) I see. Yeah, so, I was so inspired by the sadistic murder of my daughter that I thought I would try one myself. If there's nothing further, I'm gonna get blind drunk. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab. Hodgins' Workstation. Hodgins is walking to his workstation looking at his monitors. He is on the phone with Brennan, who is in Wexler's Lab.) HODGINS: So, I found something very off that was on the victim---mercury fulminate. BRENNAN: (pulling on a lab coat) What? I thought Cam was going to be sending us all the results. (she walks towards Ian's remains. HODGINS: I'm a grown-up. I don't need a middleman. Now, with this amount of mercury, I'd think he'd been poisoned, but tox results say otherwise. BRENNAN: (buttoning her labcoat) And it didn't come from Henley? HODGINS: Nope. HODGINS: And I also found phyllosilicate minerals and carbonic acid. I'm not sure where they came from either. Hey, can you have them send me more samples from the remains and the locations which they came from on the body? BRENNAN: Of course. But Scotland Yard says that all requests have to come through Dr. Saroyan. HODGINS: Right, cause nothing could possibly happen without her. BRENNAN: Is everything okay, Hodgins? HODGINS: Yep, sure, fine. I'll have our all-powerful leader send the request. (He hangs up) (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Sweet's office. Sweets closes his door and then walks towards his chair around Angela, Hodgins and Cam who are standing in a line) SWEETS: Thank you all for coming. ANGELA: Cam said we had to. HODGINS: Or lose our jobs. CAM: For insubordination SWEETS: Oh, I was kind of hoping that you all came of your own volition with an eye toward ameliorating a tense situation. HODGINS: (impatient) Can't you just tell her not to be so bossy? CAM: I'm your boss. SWEETS: It's very important to realize that Dr. Saroyan has done nothing to merit your anger... CAM: Thank you. SWEETS: ...as a boss. But by sexualizing her relationship with Mr. Barasa CAM: Is there no better way to put that? SWEETS: (shaking his head) Everything else sounds worse. She's made you both confront unresolved feelings about Mr. Barasa's impact on your lives and how he affects your relationship. HODGINS: Angela and I love each other and are getting married. SWEETS: I know. Why did you think I was questioning that? ANGELA: Look, shrinky, don't got making problems where there aren't any, okay? (to Cam) Although, the next time that you drive somebody to the airport, just let them fly the hell out of Dodge, okay? CAM: This all would have been a lot easier if I'd kept my mouth shut. SWEETS: No. Nonsense. You're all friends. I'm sure now that you see the situation for what it is, you'll know how to move through it. Am I right? HODGINS: I think Dad wants us to apologize. (Sweets points at Hodgins. He's correct) CAM: I apologize for...sleeping with people. ANGELA: I apologize for snapping at you after basically giving you permission to sleep with people. HODGINS: (looking between Angela and Cam) Oh, God! So now everything is fine? SWEETS: That is the result of open and honest communication with a highly trained mediator. HODGINS: (sighs) Fine. I am sorry for being so cranky which is my basic personality so it seems stupid to apologize--- ANGELA: Hodgins, would you just... HODGINS: I apologize. (Sweets smiles at them) (Cut to: The Frampton dig site - London. Booth and Brennan are questioning Vera and Cyril again) VERA: Dr. Wexler never said one word about giving Frampton the okay to build condos here. BOOTH: Well, he signed a writ saying this place had no historical value. (he hands Vera the copy of the writ) CYRIL: I'm stunned, I tell you. The writ must be a forgery. BRENNAN: Well, after two years, you hadn't found anything. I think that's a reasonable timeline. VERA: This says we have to vacate the dig in two days. CYRIL: But Dr. Wexler felt certain we were close. There was a previous Bronze Age find about 600 meters south. BOOTH: That's his signature, right? VERA: I don't care. He wouldn't do it. (Pritchard walks up to them) PRITCHARD: Agent Booth, Dr. Brennan. BOOTH: Yeah? PRITCHARD: I got these from our forensic accountant. (hands Booth a folder) BOOTH: Wow, look at that. Some checks made out to Wexler. PRITCHARD: Ten of them from a shell company owned by Frampton. Seems that 25,000 pounds was the going rate for a piss-broke forensic anthropologist. BOOTH: That's how he paid off his debts. BRENNAN: Frampton bribed Ian to vacate the dig. (Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab - Forensic Platform. Hodgins and Clark are going looking over the examining table with the bone casts) HODGINS: They found traces of mercury fulminate in the lower extremities, higher concentration on the patellas and the greatest was where he was stabbed. CLARK: So it was on the murder weapon. HODGINS: Yeah, it looks that way. Any idea what kind of weapon it was? CLARK: No, not yet. Whatever punctured the bone was rough, like a stick. And I've tried knives, awls, picks, but nothing matches. Who would use mercury fulminate? HODGINS: It's used in neon lights, batteries, by taxidermists and at tanneries, and in the manufacture of explosives. CLARK: Frampton has different companies. Maybe one of them uses mercury fulminate. HODGINS: Yeah, I'll see what he owns. CLARK: I'll look for any instruments found in those fields that could be used as a weapon. (Cut to: A bar in London. Booth and Brennan are drinking beer. Booth is being served a fresh pint) BOOTH: Ah, look at that, Bones, huh? I'm not saying that we should have a king or a queen or beheadings and all that jazz. I'm just saying, you know, calling someone, like uh-hey-Sir Seeley Booth? (Offering his class to cheer with Brennan's) Now, that is civilized. (They cling glasses) BRENNAN: Oh, what makes you think that you would be knighted? BOOTH: Come on. You're serious, right? Please. (Pritchard enters the bar and walks up to Brennan and Booth) PRITCHARD: Well, look at this. You two seem to be relaxing. BOOTH: Yeah, I gotta tell you, I'm getting into it. You know, my head is feeling a little bit clearer, as chaotic as the English can be. So Pritch, tell me. You think I got what it takes to be a knight, right? PRITCHARD: That's not your first pint, is it? BOOTH: No. BRENNAN: Did you bring information on the case? PRITCHARD: (taking out folder) I ran some checks on Saviours of Antiquity. Last year they were suspects in bombing of a new construction built on the site of a 13th-century church in Bayswater. Burnt it to the ground. BRENNAN: Mercury fulminate. PRITCHARD: I'm sorry? BRENNAN: Used to manufacture explosive. The residue would be on the bombmakers and could have been transferred to Ian's stab wound. BOOTH: Well, only two other members of the group were charged. Others were released. Look who they let go. (He shows her the file) BRENNAN: Cyril. BOOTH: Yeah, who would be very angry that Wexler sold out the dig. (Cut to: Oxford University Campus - London. Vera and Cyril are walking.) CYRIL: I'm telling you Vera, there's nothing more to be done there. It's shut down. A week, maybe 10 days to clean up, and it's over. VERA: So suddenly after two years? (Booth and Pritchard approach) BOOTH: Hey, Vera, Dr. Brennan wants to see you in the lab. CYRIL: What, not me? PRITCHARD: No Cyril, Dr. Brennan wants you to tell us about this. (she shows him his mug shot) CYRIL: Saviours of Antiquity? Oh, Please! PRITCHARD: Where were you on the night that Dr. Ian Wexler died? VERA: You can't be serious. BOOTH: Cyril finds out his professor is on the take and kills him. CYRIL: I was in Wales, visiting my parents. VERA: Cyril quit the Saviours years ago. CYRIL: I joined mostly to meet women. I'm not a fanatic. (Booth and Pritchard still look suspicious) Call my mum. Ask her. Uh, we ate eel. It's my favorite dish. (Cut to: Oxford University: Wexler's Lab. Brennan is examining Wexler's skeleton, looking at one specific piece of bone. Booth and Pritchard enter. Booth begins to imitate Frankenstein by grunting and sticking out his arms) BOOTH: You think they ever made a Frankenstein in this place? BRENNAN: No, Frankenstein was the doctor, not the monster. BOOTH: Yeah, cause the other way around, that would make no sense. (Brennan looks up intensely) Bones, I know that look. PRITCHARD: Me too. Whenever Ian had that look, it meant that things had just gotten more complicated. BRENNAN: Clark just got the last of the casts and while he was finishing reconstructing the skeleton, he found an extra bone. BOOTH: Wexler had an extra bone? BRENNAN: No, no. It's a shattered section of a femur from someone else that the interns here didn't identify. PRITCHARD: Well, every piece of bone you have here was found and cataloged at the scene. BOOTH: Well, maybe he held on to it. Bone people like to hold on to bones. BRENNAN: I think it's the murder weapon. PRITCHARD: Seriously? BRENNAN: The entry point of the stab wound is between T6 and T7 extending approximately 22 centimeters through the heart and lungs. PRITCHARD: The killer used a bone to stab Ian. BOOTH: Live by the bone, die by the bone. It's- (Brennan looks at Booth) Sorry. PRITCHARD: It occurs to me that if we find the origin of the bone, then, well, we find the murderer. BRENNAN: That's where the mercury comes in. This bone displays very high levels of mercury fulminate. BOOTH: What does that mean Bones? BRENNAN: Nothing. PRITCHARD: That's very useful. BRENNAN: I'm more interested in the fact that it's ossified. PRITCHARD: That basically means that it's been turned to stone. BOOTH: No, no. Don't you start explaining things to me now. (He moves around Pritchard and Brennan) Ok, what is the significance of that? BRENNAN: It means it's over 2,000 years old. PRITCHARD: I was already working at the top of my game knowing "ossified." BRENNAN: 2,000 years old puts this bone firmly in the Bronze Age. The site. PRITCHARD: Oh, my God. So this bone alone would have prevented Frampton from building his skyscrapers. BRENNAN: Yes. PRITCHARD: Perhaps the murderer used it to kill Ian as a kind of symbolic revenge for signing the writ. BRENNAN: That makes sense. BOOTH: No, it doesn't make sense. Nobody just kills somebody with a bone symbolically, not even in England. PRITCHARD: So, what then, Agent Booth? BOOTH: Well, you have the fire, the cigarette. It was all set out of panic. The killer didn't act symbolically. He acted out of rage. (Cut to: Royal Diner. Angela and Hodgins are sitting at a table eating) ANGELA: Sweets is actually good at his job. HODGINS: I know, right? I mean, did you understand that you weren't actually mad at Cam? ANGELA: No, actually, I was mad at her. I mean, you don't have s*x with someone and then expect everything to be fine. HODGINS: Yeah, not when they're supposed to be gone and out of our lives. That is not fine. ANGELA: No, it definitely is not. HODGINS: Why? You're divorced. Why aren't you fine with Cam sleeping with him? ANGELA: Well, for the same reason you aren't fine with him still being in town. HODGINS: But if everything's over with him, wh-why do you care who he sleeps with? ANGELA: Why do you care that he's still in town? HODGINS: I don't care. ANGELA: Obviously you do. If you were 100% certain of me, you wouldn't care. But you do. HODGINS: If you were 100% certain you didn't want him, you wouldn't care that Cam slept with him. (A long pause) ANGELA: You don't trust me. HODGINS: (pausing) Saying that means you don't trust me. (scoffs) ANGELA: How can two people who don't trust each other get married? HODGINS: I thought we did trust each other. ANGELA: Yeah, I did too. Two people who don't trust each other shouldn't be together at all. HODGINS: You really think that? ANGELA: Don't you? HODGINS: I mean, yeah, I-I do. I mean, I actually do think that, but-(pauses) Oh, my god. ANGELA: Yeah. HODGINS: I don't know what happened. ANGELA:I don't either. But I know it did happen. I'm gonna-I'm gonna go. (she stands to leave) You know, all you had to do was trust me. HODGINS: Hey, you're the one that's leaving. ANGELA: (shaking her head) You're the one that isn't stopping me. (She leaves) (Cut to: Frampton Dig Site - London. Cyril and Vera are leading Booth, Brennan and Pritchard through the dig site to the area Dr. Wexler was working on) CYRIL: Dr. Wexler would have told us about a find this important. BOOTH: Yeah, unless he wanted to keep the money. PRITCHARD: Dr. Brennan, why are we here? BRENNAN: This was farmland, a stable for over 200 years. VERA: Oh, in the 18th and 19th centuries. So? BRENNAN: No mercury. But in the 17th century, there was an inn over there (points to another part of the dig site) and a tannery right there. CYRIL: One of the oldest tanneries in Kensington. (Realization hits his face) Oh, my god. VERA: What? BRENNAN: That's right. CYRIL: Mercury fulminate. It's used in tanning. The tannery was here for over a hundred years. Mercury would have seeped into the soil and contaminated whatever it touched. BRENNAN: Why is this area covered? (She heads down to the dig area. Booth follows.) CYRIL: Vera, you supervised that part of the dig. VERA: Uh, nothing was found there. Dr. Wexler told us to move on. (Vera, Cyril and Pritchard follow Booth and Brennan) BRENNAN: Booth, will you help me? (points to the wooden pieces covering the site.) BOOTH: Yeah, I got it. (They lift the wood off the tarps. Brennan throws back the tarp) BRENNAN: The soil should be loose from the excavation. CYRIL: It's been packed down. PRITCHARD: Mmm, covered by wooden palettes. CYRIL: Vera, what's going on? VERA: Nothing, I told you. Dr. Wexler instructed me to move on. BRENNAN: (picking a piece of bone from the dirt) Another ossified bone chip. This is a Bronze Age site. BOOTH: (to Vera) You live for this. Why'd you cover it up? VERA: I didn't do anything. Cyril, tell them. (Cyril stays silent) We've been working together two years trying to make this find. BRENNAN: The bone had no hilt. She would have scraped her palm if she stabbed him. (Vera tries to hide her hand behind her back) PRITCHARD: (scoffs) You two are very, very good. BOOTH: We're the best. (Vera tries to escape. Brennan trips her and she lands face first in the dig site) Good job, Bones. Come on. Up you go, Vera. (Booth picks her up) VERA: You don't understand. BOOTH: Can I have some cuffs please? (Pritchard hands him a pair of handcuffs) VERA: You don't understand what Ian wanted to do. BOOTH: You kill Wexler so you could keep the money for yourself? VERA: Ian wanted to give the money back. Don't you understand? BRENNAN: Not at all. PRITCHARD: I'm afraid I do. It was Ian through and through. He happily accepted the bribe money when there was no reason to be bribed. But the minute they found something, he got all noble and principled and-and wanted to return the money. CYRIL: It would have ruined his career. VERA: Yeah, and mine too. Don't you see? He never thought of that. BRENNAN: So, Ian was a good man, really? PRITCHARD: A relatively good man. (sighs) Which was good enough for some of us. (Cut to: Medico-Legal Lab. Angela's Office. The beep of a voice mail is heard. Angela is on the phone) BRENNAN'S VOICEMAIL: Technically, you have not reached Temperance Brennan. But if you leave a message, it will reach her-me-Temperance Brennan. (phone beeps) ANGELA:Hey, sweetie, it's me. Hodgins and I broke up, and, uh, I won't really know why until I speak to you. So, I'm just gonna crawl into bed until you get home, and then we can-(she stops, pauses and hangs up. Grayson enters) GRAYSON: Angela. ANGELA:Oh, God. (laughs) You again. GRAYSON: I heard you broke up with the small angry man. So before I leave, I want to ask you one more time. ANGELA:No. No one gets me. I'm nobody's. GRAYSON: I understand. Perhaps you can drive me to the airport? CAM: (entering) That's some kind of code for you, isn't it? SWEETS: (entering) Maybe I should take him. CLARK: (entering with labcoat, ID and keys in hand) No. I'll take him. (he hands the items to Cam) CAM: What's this? CLARK: Look, it's been very interesting working here. But, I'm a man of science and this place is just- GRAYSON: It's very dramatic. CLARK: Well said. I just want to work in a regular lab, you know? (turning to Grayson) So you want that ride or not? CAM: Yes, he does. (Grayson looks at Angela once more. She sighs. He exits with Clark. Angela sighs again.) (Cut to: Oxford University Dining Hall. Booth and Brennan are sitting at a long table, finishing up their breakfast) BOOTH: You know, Wexler was kind of like a Robin Hood kind of a character-steal from the rich. BRENNAN: I turned down my chance to sleep with Robin Hood? BOOTH: Sometimes you just take the oddest leap. (Pritchard approaches them, carrying something) BOOTH: (in an English accent) Hey, Pritch. Cheerio, mate. (He smiles and turns to Brennan, proud of himself) PRITCHARD: "Hello" is fine. (Picking up a knife) On behalf of her Majesty the Queen of England (she taps Booth on each shoulder) I dub you Sir Seeley Booth (she puts down the knife and places a ribbon over Booth's neck) Knight of the Realm. BOOTH: Wow. BRENNAN: (reading the ribbon) "Official Junior Knight" BOOTH: Eh? Look at that. Wait a second. That's from a toy store. PRITCHARD: It doesn't mean you're not Sir Galahad. BOOTH: Thanks. BRENNAN: I'm sorry about Ian. PRITCHARD: (pauses) Me too. It was a real honor working with you both. BOOTH: Same here. (Brennan nods as well) PRITCHARD: If you need a lift to the airport- BOOTH: Bones-She got us a limo. PRITCHARD: Of course. BOOTH: But if you're ever in the colonies. PRITCHARD: It would be lovely. (She exits) BRENNAN: (hitting Booth's leg) She likes you. BOOTH: No. BRENNAN: Yes! And she's very sexual. BOOTH: Enough. It's just-(laughs) Stop. I'm gonna miss this place. (They look around the hall) This is definitely not a diner. BRENNAN: Come on. (they begin to stand) We should go before someone else gets killed. BOOTH: Yeah, you're right. (clears throat) Here we go. Oh! (he sticks out his arm for her) My arm? BRENNAN: Thank you. (she takes it) Thank you Sir Seeley. BOOTH: Ah, (in an Australian accent, thinking its English) Pleasure, Lady Temperance. BRENNAN: (laughing) You sound Australian. BOOTH: I don't sound Australian (they walk out bickering about his accent.) END.	Plan: A: American; Q: What nationality is the daughter of the wealthy woman Brennan and Booth solved the murder of? A: London; Q: Where are Brennan and Booth persuaded to remain when one of their English colleagues is killed? Summary: Having solved the murder of a wealthy American's daughter, Brennan and Booth are persuaded to remain in London when one of their English colleagues is killed.
At Ashley's house. Ashley is playing her piano in the dark, with candles being the only light. Jimmy is watching her, an unhappy look on his face. Ashley: (singing) You're brave, but you can't see it. You're strong, but you can't feel it. You're good, but you don't know it. Jimmy: I love it. Ashley: It shows how glad I am we're back. Rediscovering each other. Jimmy: Yeah. Yeah, me too. Ashley: I mean, last year were just this, this thing. But now we really connect. Let me play you the rest. (singing) I know you. The real you. I know you. The real you. Opening Credits Announcement: Attention students, if you lost a keychain with a pink whistle on it... Ashley is at her locker putting eyeliner on. Jimmy: Looking for someone? Ashley: Yeah, actually. My boyfriend. Tall, cute, might have seen us together last year. Jimmy: Speaking of last year... Grade 8 yearbook. Ashley: Grade 8... Not exactly my best. Jimmy: (shrugs) Some of it was pretty good. So, will you sign it? Ashley hesitates. Jimmy: We're back together now, right? Ashley: Back together. Sounds nice. Jimmy: So sign it. Ashley: (looking through the yearbook) Okay, did my mom pick out my clothes? Jimmy: You look great. Ashley: I look awful! Sully: You got that right! Freak show. Jimmy: Try looking in a mirror! Sully: Careful Jimmy. Although it is nice of you to date the creepy chicks. Leave the hot ones for us! Leaves with his friends. Jimmy: (under his breath) Shut up. Sorry, Ash. Ashley: Happens all the time. Jimmy: If jerks like him knew how beautiful you were on the inside, they'd keep their mouths shut. Bell rings. JT: It's the event of the year! Dr. Sally's sx talk! Toby: As if I could forget about it with you keep talking about it every two seconds. JT: First you get the knowledge, then you get the power, then you get... (looks at Paige) Paige: What? Toby: Believe me. You don't wanna know. In class Mr. Armstrong: Now in addition to condoms, we have the pill, the diaphragm, and the IUD. Guys, there's nothing to be embarrassed about. JT: (raises hand) Maybe we'd feel a little more comfortable if Dr. Sally was here. Mr. Armstrong: Like I told you at the beginning of class, Dr. Sally is in China. JT: Well, send her a plane ticket or something! Mr. Armstrong: Being sexually responsible means being prepared, but the best form of protection is abstinence. Manny: What's, what's abstinence? Mr. Armstrong: Not having sx. No sx, don't get pregnant or contract an STD. (JT accidentally flicks a condom onto Mr. Armstrong's back) However, if you decide not to abstain, make sure you always have a condom on you. (Class laughs) Ms. Kwan's class. The students are watching a video in the auditorium. Announcer on television: Until next time, we hope you enjoyed this classic presentation of Taming of the Shrew. Ms. Kwan: (turns off the television) So, any thoughts on Shakespeare's comic masterpiece? Gavin? Spinner: Um, maybe add a joke or two? Ms. Kwan: You didn't find it funny. Spinner: Funny? Ha, um, no, sorry. Ms. Kwan: No need to apologize. Because I'm offering you all a challenge. I've paired you up, and I want you to work on Act II, Scene I. This play's been around for over 400 years, so it must be doing something right. What I want, guys, is a version that rings true for you. Have fun with it. Ashley shows Jimmy her script. It has Craig Manning written in red marker at the bottom. Jimmy turns his paper: Hazel Aden. In the hallway Craig: Good morrow, Kate, for that's your name I hear. Ashley: Hey, I was thinking about our scene. Craig: And you wanted to shoot yourself? Ashley: I can't believe we have to do this comedy! It's so... Craig: Sexist? Outdated? Unfunny? Ashley: All three. So I was thinking. Craig: What if we show that? And play it for what's really going on. ...Or not? Ashley: No, totally. I'm just so glad we're on the same page. Craig: Yeah, Kwan's gonna regret pairing us. Toby and JT are eating lunch outside. Toby: Was it just me or was health class more than a little confusing? JT: Why? 'Cause Dr. Sally let us down? 'Cause Dr. Sally didn't even- Toby: Would you shut up already?! I mean condoms. They're confusing. JT: They're pretty simple, Tobes. You just open the package, slip 'em on, and Toby: No, I mean, you know, when do we buy them? JT: No time like the present! Know the drill. Practice. I mean, we could meet the girl of our dreams tomorrow. Toby: I already met mine. (Waves at Kendra. She waves back) JT: Look, that is exactly why you want to be prepared. Toby: It's way too early for that. JT: What if passion takes over some day? And you, Toby Isaacs, get a chance to get it? Don't you want to be prepared? Toby: I guess. JT: Yes, you do. So, drugstore. After school. Our studly future calls. In the hallway Jimmy: The concept's hilarious. Hazel: Asses are made to bear, and so are you! Ashley: Hey guys. Hazel: Your boyfriend: Hysterical. Ciao. Ashley: Someone's having fun. Jimmy: Yeah, yeah. Scene should be good. 'Course not as good as if I had worked with my favorite partner. Ashley: (notices an old picture of her in Jimmy's locker) That's a joke, right? Burn it, please. Jimmy: Oh, but you look so cute. So, dinner? Ashley: Jeff's making burgers and Kraft dinner. You know, my parents missed you. I did, too. I'm so glad you're coming. At the drugstore (JT picks up a package of extra large condoms) Toby: JT, you do not need extra large. JT: What does this mean - "ribbed"? Toby: For her pleasure? No idea. JT: Hmm... Better find out. Toby: Did you see the pina colada flavor? JT: Yeah. Too bad they don't have bacon. (Toby gives him a weird look) JT: So, what did ya get? (Toby holds up a box of Glow condoms) JT: Ohhh, the force is strong within you. (He picks up a cane and hands one to Toby. The two begin "laser sword fighting" making Star Wars noises.) Come on, let's go. Cashier: Okay, so call me later? Okay. Bye. JT: (places the condoms on the counter) We just wanna be ready, you know? Toby: He does. And, and me. And me. Together. But not together. JT: Uh, could we have those in separate bags, please? And, uh, maybe your phone number? At the Kerwin/Isaacs household Ashley: So, did Dr. Sally come today? Toby: Uh, no. Armstrong filled in. Ashley: Did he give out condoms? Toby: What?! No, not that that's any of your business. Ashley: Relax. I just think that kids should have access to condoms. It's an important issue, eh, Jimmy? Jimmy: Sure it is. Uh, I'm starving. Mr. Isaacs: I don't know. Teachers giving out condoms suggests that kids should be having sx. Mrs. Kerwin: Well, kids are gonna have sx, Jeff, but at least they should be protected. Ashley: Jimmy, what do you think? Jimmy: I'm not sure. You all have really good points. Ashley: (sighs) And what's your point? Jimmy: I think Jeff's right. Handing out condoms sends a message. Sorry. Ashley: Don't be. You're allowed to have an opinion. I just wish I didn't have to drag it out of you. At school (Toby puts the packages of condoms into his and JT's locker) JT: What are you doing? Toby: You're the genius who talked me into buying them. They're your problem now. Spinner: (practicing his lines) For I am born to tame you, Kate, and bring you from a wild Kate to a Kate confrom... a Kate confar... confrabled... JT: That's right, Spinner. Walk and talk! Spinner: Hahahahaha. (Throw JT into the locker causing all of the condoms to spill onto the floor) Woo hoo hoo. JT the Stud. (Turns to Manny and Emma) Check this out. (Manny laughs) JT: Guys, they're not mine. Manny: Then whose are they? Emma: They must be Toby's. That's gross. Manny. Ew! That is so classic! Spinner: Toby? Kendra? He's planning? With my sister?! JT: No! Spinner, it's just... Spinner: When I find Isaacs, he's finished. In the hallway (Ashley is trying to take a picture of herself) Craig: Need some help with that? Ashley: Sure. It's for Jimmy. Craig: Yeah. Ashley: Thanks. Craig: No problem. Hope he likes it. (leaves) Ashley: (gives the picture to Jimmy) Jimmy, for your locker. Jimmy: Thanks. (He hangs it next to the Grade 8 picture) Ashley: Um, it's supposed to replace that one. Jimmy: The more pictures of you the better. (He leans in to kiss her, but she turns her head) What? Ashley: Nothing. It's just... Jimmy: What? Ashley: Which picture do you like better? Jimmy: I like them both. Ashley: You didn't answer my question. Jimmy: Ash! Ashley: Speak your mind! I mean it! Which one do you like more? Jimmy: The old one, okay? The old one. Ashley's house the next morning She sits at her makeup mirror flipping through the yearbook. At school Ashley walks through the hallways dressed in blue, sans makeup, while every one laughs at her. [SCENE_BREAK] In Mr. Armstrong's classroom Raditch on PA: Would Nicole Hamilton please report to the main office immediately. Again, Nicole Hamilton. Ellie: I'll be honest. I don't get it. Ashley: This is who I've been since before we met. Jimmy: Ash, wow. Spinner: You, you actually look alive. Ashley: Thanks, I think. Jimmy: I was just getting used to the whole Goth thing. This is so... Ellie: Tamed? Mr. Armstrong: Everyone take your seats, please. Computer Lab Toby: Spinner's locker page? Why do you want me to die? JT: I'm trying to save your life. Look, if we can figure out his schedule, maybe you can avoid him for the rest of the year. Toby: What about Kendra? She probably thinks I'm slime. JT: You'll explain it to her. She'll understand. Everything will be fine. (On the web page it says: Who's face should I rearrange? Toby Isaacs, Toby Isaacs, TOBY ISAACS!) JT: Or not. (A message pops up on the screen that says You have new DMail) Toby: Don't open it! JT: Too late. (It says: Are you afraid? You should be. Look behind you. The boys turn and Spinner waves at them. Toby and JT run out of the lab into the hallway) Toby: (stops running) Oh, good. Kendra: (throws him into a locker) How old am I? Toby: Uh, twelve. Kendra: And what grade am I in? Toby: Seven. Kendra: And you thought I'd have sx with you?! Pervert! Outside Paige, Terri, Hazel, and Ashley are sitting at a picnic table. Hazel: I know. I love Existential jeans. They fit so perfect! Paige: I love that commercial where that hot guy says, "Life is meaningless without jeans." Paige, Hazel, & Terri: Existential! Ashley: Haven't seen that one yet. Terri: Don't worry. We'll get you back in the loop. Paige: Speaking of loop, what's with the style rewind anyway? Ashley: You don't like it? Paige: Sure, but the Goth look was sort of working for you. Why the change? Ashley: I have to go. I have to meet Craig. Craig: For I am born to tame you, Kate, and... Ashley: Hey. Sorry I'm late. Craig: And you are...? Ashley: Late. Sorry. Can we start? Craig: Yeah, sure. Good morrow, Kate, for that's your name I hear. Ashley: Wait. Craig: What, not strong enough? Ashley: No, it's just... The way Petruchio wants to change Kate... Isn't it out of love? Craig: That's what he claims. So? Ashley: So we're making him into a villain. What if we're wrong? Craig: Ash, the guy's a sexist pig. And abusive. Ashley: I know. I read the play, but... Craig: But nothing. Even if he wasn't, he'd still be a jerk. Ashley: Why? Craig: Because if he really loved Kate, he wouldn't want to change her. He'd love her for who she is. Back at school, in the hallway Spinner: (grabs Toby and goes to punch him) It's judgement day, Isaacs. Toby: (takes off glasses) Go ahead. But I want you to know that the reason I bought that stuff was cause I really like your sister. I mean, I really like her, but I wasn't thinking about having sx with her. We've only kissed. Once. Spinner: If you weren't thinking about it why'd you buy all that stuff? Toby: Because if I was gonna have sx with Kendra - which I'm not - I'd want to take care of her. I mean, having sx never even occurred to me until JT started talking about being prepared and I... Spinner: JT? So this was JT's idea? Toby: No. No, no, no, no. He just suggested that I buy that stuff, you know. So, you know, just in case... At the entrance to the auditorium Jimmy: Break a leg. Ashley: You, too. Jimmy: You okay? Ashley: Yeah, just a little nervous. Jimmy: You'll be great. And I'll be right there watching. (Kisses Ashley on her head) Hazel: You guys are so cute! In the auditorium (Jimmy and Hazel are performing. Jimmy is in a football uniform and Hazel is wearing her Spirit Squad uniform) Jimmy: Kate, in sooth you scape not so. Hazel: I chafe you, if I tarry. Let me go. Jimmy: Nay, I am born to tame you, Kate, and bring you from a wild Kate to a Kate conformable as any household Kate. I must and will have Katherine to my wife. Hazel: Give me an L-O-V-E, Go Love! (The class applauds) Ms. Kwan: So, thoughts? Paige: It kept my attention. Terri: Me too. Love the costumes. Ms. Kwan: Why football? Jimmy: Well, we thought adding a modern twist would make it funnier. Hazel: Petruchio's a manly man. Making him a football player seemed perfect. Jimmy: And he makes Kate into the perfect wife for him. His own cheerleader. Ms. Kwan: Good job. Okay, Ash and Craig. Craig: You ready? Ashley: Yeah, for real. (Craig is dressed in a suit and wearing glasses; Ashley is wearing a wig and an apron) Craig: (grabs Ashley's wrists) Kate in sooth you scape not so! Ashley: I chafe you, if I tarry. Let me go! Craig: (throws Ashley to the ground) Thou must be married to no man but me. (Holds her by her throat) For I am born to tame you, Kate, and bring you from a wild Kate to a Kate conformable as any household Kate. I must and will have Katherine to my wife. (Ashley cries. Craig stands up and takes off the glasses.) Ms. Kwan: Wow. Intense. Craig: Uh, yeah. We saw it a bit differently. Ash? Ashley: Um, it definitely didn't seem like a comedy to us. It felt darker. Ms. Kwan: Can you tell us why you felt that? Ashley: (looking at Jimmy) It's about breaking a person, their spirit. Taming them and making them into someone they aren't. Making them into a lesser version of themselves. At school, Spinner grabs Toby in the hallway and pulls him into a classroom Spinner: Isaacs. Just the man I was looking for. (Shows Toby that JT is covered in condoms) Like his new look? Okay, and now for your feat. JT: No, Spinner, please, please! I promise I'll never buy condoms again. Spinner: It is not about buying condoms. It's about Kendra. There's enough pressure out there about having sx. She doesn't need any more from you two. (JT nods) Spinner: Now, ladies and gentlemen - Isaacs, hit the lights - I give you the human glowworm. At Jimmy's locker Ashley: Hey. Jimmy: Hey. Ashley: I signed it like you asked. Jimmy: (begins reading) We cling to one another Storm raging around (Ashley begins to back away) My head slips under the water You don't hear me cry So I let go Drift away Leave your comfort behind Save us Ashley: (tearfully) Love always, Ashley	Plan: A: Ashley; Q: Whose relationship with Jimmy seems to be back on track? A: her old look; Q: What did Jimmy prefer over Ashley's new Goth look? A: sex ed; Q: What event caused J.T. to convince Toby to buy condoms? A: J.T.; Q: Who convinces Toby to buy condoms in order to have sex with Kendra? A: Spinner; Q: Who objects to Toby buying condoms for Kendra? Summary: Ashley's relationship with Jimmy seems to be back on track--until he says he preferred her old look to her new Goth one. Meanwhile, after sex ed, J.T. convinces Toby to buy condoms in order to have sex with Kendra, something to which both Kendra and Spinner object.
Prologue: In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. Sunnydale High. Snyder: A lot of educators tell students, 'Think of your principal as your pal.' Cut to Snyder's office. He's lecturing Buffy and Sheila. Snyder: I say, 'Think of me as your judge, jury, and executioner.' Tell me, who do you think is the most troublesome student in this school? The camera pans from Sheila, looking blase', over to Buffy, looking apprehensive. Snyder: Well, it is quite a match between you two. On the one hand, Buffy hasn't stabbed a horticulture teacher with a trowel. Sheila: I didn't stab anyone with a trowel. They were pruning shears. Snyder: On the other hand, Sheila has never burned down a school building. Buffy: W-well, that was never proven. The Fire Marshall said i-it coulda been mice. Snyder: Mice. Buffy: M-mice that were smoking? Snyder: The two of you seem to be tied in the class-cutting and fight- starting events. You really are neck and neck here. It's quite exciting. Sheila: What does the winner get? Snyder: Expelled. (Buffy looks at him in shock) Thursday is Parent- Teacher night. Your parents, assuming you have any, will meet your teachers, assuming you have any left. I've decided to put the two of you in charge of this event. You have three days to prepare the refreshments, make the banners and transform the school lounge into a habitable place for adults. This will incur my good will. And may affect what I tell your parents when I meet them. Are we clear? Buffy: I'm clear. (to Sheila) Don't you feel clear? (Sheila just looks back) We're very clear. Snyder: Good. Because you mess up this time, and your parents will be coming to clean out your lockers. Cut to the school's main entrance. The bell rings. Buffy and Sheila come walking out of the building. Buffy: Well, it shouldn't be that hard. We can work on the banners at lunch tomorrow and figure out refreshments then? Sheila: Yeah, sure, whatever. (yells) Hey, meatpie! (walks off) Xander and Willow meet up with Buffy. Xander: Snyder's got you guys making party favors, huh? Buffy: His two worst students. That's what mom sees when she looks at me. A Sheila. Sheila kisses an older boy with long, blonde hair. Xander: Well, Sheila's definitely intense. That guy with her? That's the guy she can bring home to mother. Willow: She was already smoking in fifth grade. Once I was lookout for her. Xander: (to Willow) You're bad to the bone. Willow: I'm a rebel. Buffy: It's not fair. I'm the Slayer. That requires a certain amount of cutting and fighting. What's Sheila's excuse? Xander: Homework. She won't do it. And most teachers respect that now. Oh, you might wanna keep away any sharp implements when you're working with her. Buffy: Do you think any other Slayers ever had to go to high school? Xander: It's no biggie. You'll have a nice soire'e. The parents will love it. As long as nothing really bad happens between now and then, you'll be fine. Buffy: Are you crazy? What did you say that for? Now something bad is gonna happen! Xander: Whadaya mean? Nothing's gonna happen. Willow: Not until some dummy says, 'as long as nothing bad happens.' Buffy: It's the ultimate jinx! Willow: What were you thinking? Or were you even thinking at all? The girls give Xander looks of exasperation and walk off. Xander: Well, you guys don't know. (hugs his satchel) Maybe this time it'll be different. Cut to a small park and playground that night. A classic 1958 Dodge Desoto FireFlite crashes through the 'Welcome to Sunnydale' sign and screeches to a halt. Spike gets out and strolls over to the curb. He takes a deep breath and lights a cigarette. Spike: Home, sweet home. Opening credits roll. Buffy's theme plays. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 1 ~~~~~~~~~~ Inside Collin's warehouse. Vampire#1: The Master is dead. Someone has to take his place. Vampire#2: As long as the Slayer's alive, whoever takes his place will be sharing his grave. Vampire#1: Then let the soul who kills her wear his mantle. Collin: Can you do it? Vampire#1: Yes. This weekend, the night of St. Vigeous, our power shall be at its peak. When I kill her, it'll be the greatest event since the crucifixion. And I should know. I was there. Spike: (appears behind them) You were there? (chuckles) Oh, please! If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion was actually there, it would have been like Woodstock. Vampire#1: I oughta rip your throat out. Spike: (turns his back to him and strolls away) I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off a flowerperson, and I spent the next six hours watchin' my hand move. Vampire#1 rushes him from behind, and Spike swings his fist up without even looking, hitting him in the face and knocking him down and out. Spike: So. Who do you kill for fun around here? Collin: Who are you? Spike: Spike. You're that Anointed guy. I read about you. (growls at vampire#2) You've got Slayer problems. That's a bad piece of luck. Do you know what I find works real good with Slayers? Killing them. Collin: Can you? Spike: A lot faster than Nancy-boy there. Yeah, I did a couple Slayers in my time. I don't like to brag. (can't keep a straight face) Who am I kidding? I love to brag! There was this one Slayer during the Boxer Rebellion, and... He senses someone behind him and turns his head to look as he morphs into his human guise. Spike: Drusilla. (goes to her) You shouldn't be walking around. You're weak. Drusilla: Look at all the people. Are these nice people? Spike: We're getting along. Drusilla: (stares at Collin) This one has power. I could feel it from the outside. Spike: Yeah. He's the big noise in these parts. Anointed, and all that. Drusilla: (to Collin) Do you like daisies? Hmm? I plant them, but they always die. Everything I put in the ground withers and dies. (looks up and off into space) Spike? I'm cold. Spike: (puts his jacket around her) I've got you. Drusilla: I'm a princess. Spike: That's what you are. She pricks Spike on the cheek with her fingernail, and a bead of blood flows out. She reaches up and licks it off. They move close to kiss but don't, and instead look over at Collin. Spike: Me and Dru, we're movin' in. (they separate) Now. Any of you want to test who's got the biggest wrinklies 'round here... step on up. (to Collin) I'll do your Slayer for you. But you keep your flunkies from tryin' anything behind my back. Deal? Collin nods. Drusilla bows her head down and puts her hands to her temples. Drusilla: I can't see her. The Slayer. I can't see. (looks back up) It's dark where she is. Kill her. Kill her, Spike. Kill her for me? Spike: It's done, baby. Drusilla: Kill her for princess? Spike: I'll chop her into messes. Drusilla: You are my sweet... my little Spike. Spike: (to Collin) So. How 'bout this Slayer? Is she tough? Cut to Buffy's room. She's standing at her mirror, trying to brush her hair. Buffy: Ow! Joyce: What's wrong? Buffy: I spent a good part of my allowance on this new cream rinse, and it's neither creamy nor rinsey. Joyce: Life is hard, dear. Buffy: Don't I know it. Is that a split end? Joyce: I got the mail. Buffy: Good. Joyce: Which included a reminder notice about Parent-Teacher night. Thursday. Buffy: That's good. Joyce: Which you were planning on telling me about? Buffy: Oh, for... (faces her mom) the last two weeks. Joyce: Uh-huh. So, what do you think your teachers are gonna tell me about? Buffy: Well, I think they'll all agree that I always bring a pen to class, ready to absorb the knowledge. (sits on her bed) Joyce: And, uh, this absorption rate? How is it reflected in your homework and test scores? Buffy: What can you really tell about a person from a test score? Joyce: Whether or not she's ever going out with her friends again. Buffy: Oh, that. Joyce: Well, I look forward to meeting your principal. Buffy: Won't that be something. Joyce: (comes over to the bed) Look, sweetheart. Life is more than grades and homework and not getting kicked out of school. (sits next to Buffy) Buffy: I know. Joyce: But we moved once because of you getting in trouble. And I had to start a new business, not to mention a new life in a whole new town. Buffy: And you don't wanna do it again. Joyce: What I don't want is to be disappointed in you again. Buffy: Mom, that's the last thing that I want, too. (exhales) I'm trying, I really am. I just... I have a lot of pressure on me right now. Joyce: Wait till you get a job. Sleep tight. (gets up and leaves) Buffy gets up from her bed and walks over to her desk. She pulls open the top left drawer. In it is a jar of holy water, a cross, a few stakes, a set of brass knuckles. She looks up at her reflection in the mirror. Buffy: I have a job. Cut to the school. Cut to the lounge. Buffy and Willow are working on a banner. Willow: Sheila's a no-show? She goes to this really rank bar. The Fish Tank? Sometimes they have raids and other stuff that can make you tardy. Buffy: D'you think you can help me cram some French tonight? I don't want Mr. DeJean telling my mother I'm an imbecile. Willow: I thought we were going to the Bronze tonight. 'Cause of how you thought Angel might show? Xander: If he does he'll meet some other nice girl? Studying comes first. Buffy: We're going to the Bronze. I can study and party and do Parent- Teacher night and make my mother proud as long as I don't have to... Giles and Jenny come walking in. Giles: Buffy! Buffy: ...fight vampires. Giles: (to Jenny) There is nothing in the chronicles about a-an extraneous lunar cycle. Jenny: The Order never accurately calculated the Mesopotamian Calendar. Rupert, you have got to read something that was published after 1066. Giles: Very funny. Xander: What's the up, guys? Giles: W-um, Ms. Calendar has been researching, well, uh, surfing on her computer, a-and she's... Well, according to her calculations, this Saturday is the night of St. Vigeous. Buffy: Let me guess: he didn't make balloon animals. Giles: No, he led a crusade, of, of, uh, vampires. They swept through Edessa, Harran, and points east. Jenny: And they didn't leave much behind. Buffy: Well, if I survive Parent-Teacher night tomorrow, I'll see what I can do about Saturday. Giles: You're being a tad flip, don't you think? This is serious. Buffy: And getting kicked out of school is laughs aplenty? Giles: You know what happens when you, you let your life interfere with your slaying. Buffy: Okay, well, if my slaying doesn't get me expelled, then I promise my banner making won't get me killed, okay? Just please let me get through this week. Giles: This Saturday's going to need a great deal of preparation. Willow: Well, we'll help. Xander: Yeah, I'll whittle stakes. Willow: A-and I can research stuff. Xander: And while I'm whittling, I plan to whistle a jaunty tune. Giles: Yes, your help will be greatly appreciated, but when it comes to battle, Buffy must fight alone. You are, after all, the Slay... (sees Snyder in the hall) ...slay-ve. Slaves. You're, you're all slaves to the, uh, television. Jenny: Yes. Giles: Young people nowadays. (to Jenny) Shall we go? Jenny: Mm, let's. (they leave) Snyder comes over. Snyder: (to Willow and Xander) You wouldn't be helping Buffy in Sheila's place, would you? Xander: (laughs nervously) No. Willow: We're hindering. Snyder: She ditched. (takes a deep breath) Mm. I feel an expulsion coming on. Buffy: No. No, actually, Sheila's been helping us for hours. Um, she just went to get some more paint. Sheila comes in the door behind Buffy and takes off her glasses. Buffy notices Snyder looking behind her, turns around and sees her. Buffy: Oh! Oh, is there no more teal in the art room? (goes over to Sheila) I know you wanted everything to be perfect, but let's just go with what we have. Snyder: Just make sure everything is perfect on Thursday. (turns and leaves) Sheila: Thanks for covering. Guy's a serious rodent. Buffy: No problem. Sheila: Did you really burn down a school building one time? Buffy: Well, not actually one time. Sheila: Cool. Cut to the Bronze. Nickel is the band tonight. They're in the middle of playing "1000 Nights". Xander dances lamely by himself as Willow helps Buffy with her French at a table. Lyrics: A drink you can't resist / And in your head a voice you'll always miss Buffy: La vache... doit me... touche... de la... jeudi. (looks at Willow) Was it wrong? Should I use the plural? Willow: No. But you said, 'The cow should touch me from Thursday.' Buffy: Maybe that's what I was feeling. Willow: And you said it wrong. Buffy: Oh, je stink. Willow: You're just not focused. It's Angel missage. Buffy: Well, he didn't say for sure. It was a 'maybe see ya there' kinda deal. Xander: Guys, I'm all alone out there. Somebody has to dance with me. Willow: Well, we are studying. Xander: C'mon, one dance. You've been studying nearly twelve minutes. Buffy: No wonder my brain's fried. She gets up. Willow starts to protest, but Buffy and Xander drag her along with them. Buffy: Come on. Spike walks up to their table and watches them dance as the band starts a new song, "Stupid Thing". Lyrics: I did a stupid thing last night / I called you / A moment of weakness / No, not a moment / More like three months of weakness Spike walks along the edge of the dance floor and studies Buffy intently. Xander and Buffy dance lively. Willow doesn't move much, but smiles widely, enjoying herself. Lyrics: I'm one step away from crashing to my knees / One step away from spilling my guts to you Spike goes over to vampire#1 at the bar. Spike: Go get something to eat. Lyrics: I'm doing all right / No, don't feel sorry for me / Really I'm all right / I'm one step away from crashing to my knees He comes back to some people near where Buffy, Willow and Xander are dancing and speaks loudly so that Buffy is sure to overhear. Spike: Where's the phone? I need to call the police. There's some big guy out there trying to bite somebody. Buffy runs from the dance floor. Spike watches her go. Cut outside to the alley. Vampire#1 has found a young woman. She trembles with fear as he grabs her neck and moves in for the bite. Buffy grabs him by the shoulder and pulls him off of her. He somersaults and rolls up to his feet. Vampire#1: Slayer! Buffy: Slayee! She does a roundhouse kick to his face. He only flinches a bit. He swings at her, but she sidesteps the blow. She swings back, and he grabs her arm, swings her around and throws her into a metal roll-up door. She hits it high and hard and falls to the ground, but quickly gets up again. He swings again and hits the metal door with his fist when she ducks the punch. Xander and Willow arrive. Buffy blocks the vampire's punch and holds on to his arm. She looks behind her at the others. Buffy: Get her out of here! She turns her attention to punching the vampire repeatedly in the face. Willow grabs the woman and pulls her away and out of danger. Buffy: (to the rhythm of her punches) And a stake would be nice! Xander runs to find a stake. Spike looks on from the side. Cut inside to the table. Xander goes though Buffy's purse. He pulls out a yo-yo and sets it aside. He pulls out a tampon and quickly drops it like a hot potato. He finds a stake, and rushes back out. Cut to the alley. Buffy punches the vampire's face again and then his chest. He gets loose from her and lands a punch on her face. She goes spinning down to the ground and lies there, momentarily stunned. The vampire looms over her. Vampire#1: I don't need to wait for St. Vigeous. You're mine. He bends down to get her, and she kicks him in the face. He staggers backward as she maneuvers to he feet. Vampire#1: Spike! Gimme a hand! Buffy looks over at Spike in the shadows. Xander is back with the stake. Xander: Buffy! She turns to him and he throws her the stake. She catches it out of the air, and in a smooth, swift motion plunges it home into the vampire's chest. He doesn't even have time to fall before he crumbles to ashes. Spike comes out of the shadows slowly clapping his hands. Buffy looks at him with a confused expression on her face. Willow and Xander see him, too. Spike: Nice work, love. Buffy: Who are you? Spike: You'll find out on Saturday. Buffy: What happens on Saturday? Spike: I kill you. Buffy is speechless and just watches him leave. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 2 ~~~~~~~~~~ The alley outside the Bronze. Sheila comes out with two guys and they walk along the alley. Sheila: Alright. Which one's Dwayne and which one's Dell? (hic) Don't tell me. Dell's the one with the tattoos. You guys weren't lyin' about havin' a Cadillac, were you? 'Cause I'm crazy about a Cad. Just the feel of the leather makes me wanna... She's gotten a bit ahead of Dwayne and stops to look back at him. She sees he's gone. Sheila: Where'd you go? She looks the other way at Dell, and he's gone, too. Sheila: What's going on? (starts walking slowly, looking around) Where are you guys? Not funny! She turns around and is startled by Spike. Sheila: Who are you? Spike: Who do you want me to be? Sheila: Did you see... Spike: ...those two losers who thought they were good enough for you? Sheila: What happened to 'em? Spike: They got sleepy. Sheila: Huh? Spike: And you got something a whole lot better. He slowly walks past her and down the alley. She follows him with her gaze. Sheila: Hey, wait up! What's your name? She starts after him. The camera follows her, but then pans down to Dwayne and Dell, dead in a pile of trash. Cut to the library. The table is full of books, and Xander, Willow and Jenny are looking through them doing research. Giles: Spike. That's what the other vampire called him? That's a little unorthodox, isn't it? Buffy: Maybe he's reformed. Giles: Perhaps he went by another name in... times past. Jenny: Well, whoever he is, we'll need all the help we can get come this Saturday. Xander: So, this night of St. Vigeous deal. If they're gonna attack in force, aren't we thinkin' vacation? Willow: We can't run, that would be wrong. Could we hide? I mean, if that Spike guy is leading the attack, (shudders) yeeehehehe. Giles: Well, he can't be any worse than any other creature you've faced. Angel: (suddenly appears) He's worse. (they all look at him) Once he starts something he doesn't stop until everything in his path is dead. Xander: Hmm. So, he's thorough, goal-oriented. Buffy: We were at the Bronze before. Thought you said you might show. Angel: You said you weren't sure if you were going. Buffy: I was being cool. C'mon, you've been dating for, what, like, two hundred years? You don't know what a girl means when she says maybe she'll show? Willow: Wow, two centuries of dating. If you only had two a year, that's still, like, four hundred (Buffy gives her a look) dates with four hundred different... (looks at the mace on the table) Why do they call it a mace? Giles: Uh, we do have slightly more urgent matters to discuss. Buffy: Yeah, like keeping my mom away from Principal Snyder tomorrow night? Jenny: And not dying Saturday. Giles: Angel, do you know if this Spike fellow goes under any other name? They all look where he was, but he has disappeared. The library doors finish shutting. Xander: Okay, that's it. I'm puttin' a collar with a little bell on that guy. Cut to Drusilla's room. There is chanting going on elsewhere. The camera pans from her bed past her TV and lamp and over to her collection of dolls. She lifts one and turns it to face away. Drusilla: Miss Edith speaks out of turn. She's a bad example, and will have no cakes today. Shhhh. Spike: (comes up behind her) Darling, are you going to eat something? Drusilla: I'm not hungry. I miss Prague. Spike: You nearly died in Prague. Idiot mob. This is the place for us. (leads her to the bed) The Hellmouth will restore you, put color in your cheeks, metaphorically speaking, and in a few week's time... Drusilla: (lies back on the bed) The stars will align, and smile down on us. Spike: (leans over her) And then, God, this town will burn. Drusilla: (giggles) A pretty fire! He rolls over her and lies down next to her. Drusilla: (hears the chanting) They're preparing. Spike: St. Vigeous is coming up. Should be a party. Sheila is tied up and gagged with her hands hanging from a hook above her. Drusilla: You should go up with them and cleanse. Spike: Dru... Drusilla: The boy doesn't trust you. They follow him. (sits up) I think sometimes that all my hair will fall out and I'll be bald. Spike: (sits up) Never happen. Alright. (gets off of the bed) I'll go up and get chanty with the fellas, but you (goes to Sheila) got to do me one favor. (takes Sheila off of the hook) Eat something. (hands Sheila to Drusilla and leaves) Drusilla: (turns Sheila to the dolls) You see, Miss Edith? (cut to the doll facing away) If you'd been good you could (cut to Drusilla in her game face) watch with the rest. Sheila looks at Drusilla, but can't scream because of her gag. Drusilla roars and moves in for a quick, violent bite. Cut to the school the next day. Willow checks the crossbow. Jenny walks behind her with extra pieces of wood to make stakes and sets them on the table between Cordelia and Xander, who are whittling away. Jenny continues walking over behind Buffy. Buffy holds up a large sharp machete, then starts chopping something with it. The camera pans down to show that it's a cucumber. She's preparing a vegetable tray. Giles: For three nights the unholy ones scourge themselves into a fury, um, culminating in a savage attack on the night of St. Vigeous. Xander: Does anybody remember when Saturday night meant date night? Cordelia: You sure don't. Buffy: Ooo! Parents start arriving in an hour. Okay, so, um, banners are in place, the lounge is comfy... What am I forgetting? Willow: Punch? Buffy: Punch. I need, I need punch! Cordelia: My fingers are cramping. How long have I been doing this? Xander: Three minutes. Cordelia: So, can I go now? She doesn't need this many stakes. I mean, if this guy Spike is as mean as you all said, it should be over pretty quickly. (Buffy looks up at her) We're still all rooting for you on Saturday. I'd be there for you myself if I didn't have a leg wax. Buffy: You guys hold down the fort. I'm punch bound. She leaves the library. As soon as she's gone Xander and Cordelia both reach over and grab something off of the vegetable tray. Buffy sticks her head back in the door. Buffy: No! Cut to later at Parent-Teacher night. Buffy is doling out the punch into cups. Willow comes over. Willow: What kinda punch did you make? Buffy: Uh, lemonade. (hands her a cup) I made it fresh and everything. Willow: How much sugar did you use? (takes a sip) Buffy: Sugar? Willow grimaces at the incredibly sour taste, and puts the cup down. Willow: It's very good. Buffy: Okay, now all I have to do is keep my mother and Snyder from crossing paths for the rest of the night. Willow: (sees Joyce) Hi, Mrs. Summers. Joyce: Hi, Willow. Hi, honey. Did you, uh, do all this? Buffy: Yeah! Um, (picks up a cup) here, have some lemonade. (sees Snyder) Right after Willow shows you the library. I have to stay here and hostess. (puts the cup back down) Willow: Great, the library. (puts her arm around Joyce's shoulder) Uh, um, ooo, no, G-Giles and everyone... Buffy: ...is locked in there studying. Right. French class it is! Willow leads Joyce away. Snyder comes up to Buffy. Snyder: Was that your mother? She grabs a cup and a ladle full of lemonade and turns toward him. Buffy: Here. (fakes a spill) Oh! Oh, sorry! Um, yeah! Yeah, I was gonna introduce you, but, um, she wouldn't have said much. Y'know, she doesn't speak a word of English. Snyder doesn't believe a word of it, and makes tracks to follow Joyce and Willow. Buffy lets out a worried moan and looks up at the clock. 6:15. Dissolve to 8:45. Cordelia comes walking in. Cordelia: Giles has us locked up in that library working on your weapons. Even slaves get minimum wage. She stares at Buffy's face. Buffy: What? Cordelia: You're starting to look a little slagged. What, are you just skipping foundation entirely now? Buffy: Cordelia, I have at least three lives to contend with, none of which really mesh. It's kind of like oil and water and a... third unmeshable thing. Cordelia: Yeah, and I can see the oil. (sees Joyce talking to Willow) Is that your mom? (Buffy looks) Now that is a woman that knows how to moisturize. Did it, like, skip a generation? Joyce: (comes over) Well, I believe that I have seen every classroom on campus, and just as I get there all your teachers miraculously have stepped out. Willow smiles over Joyce's shoulder, proud of herself. Buffy: Oh! (notices Snyder coming back into the room) Oh. Um, but you haven't seen the boiler room yet. And, you know, that's really interesting, what with the boiler being in the room and all. (laughs nervously) Snyder comes up to the group. Joyce offers her hand to him. Joyce: Hi. I'm Joyce Summers. I'm Buffy's mother. Snyder: (ignores her hand) Principal Snyder. I'm afraid we need to talk. My office is down here. Joyce follows Snyder to his office. Cordelia watches them go with a huge smile on her face. Buffy: (worried) He didn't look very happy. Willow: But you did such a good job. Cordelia: When they're done talking... Buffy: What? Cordelia: My guess? Tenth high school reunion, you'll still be grounded. Buffy gives her a look. Willow: Cordelia, have some lemonade. Cordelia heads over to the punch table. Cut to the library. Giles and Jenny continue their research while Xander keeps whittling. Giles: Oh, there you are. Jenny: There who is? Giles: Our new friend Spike. He's known as 'William the Bloody'. Earned his nickname by torturing his victims with railroad spikes. Very pleasant. Well, here's some good news: he's barely two hundred. He's not even as old as Angel is. (frowns) Oh. Xander: That's a bad look, right? Giles: I think your suggestion of running away this Saturday might've been a good one. Spike has fought two Slayers in the last century, and... he's killed them both. Cut to the lounge. Buffy and Willow see Snyder come back in with Joyce. She comes up to her daughter. Joyce: In the car, now. Buffy and Willow exchange a concerned look. Buffy starts to follow her mom out. She turns her head to look back at Snyder, who's going around turning off the lights. Joyce waits for Buffy to join her, and they walk out of the room. Snyder goes to another switch by the back wall next to a large window and turns it off. Two vampires suddenly come crashing through the window. Buffy looks back into the room. Several more vampires follow, and they storm into the room. The people panic and begin to run around. Buffy comes back into the room. The vampires have lined themselves up. Spike: What can I say? I couldn't wait. [SCENE_BREAK] ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 3 ~~~~~~~~~~ The lounge. Spike attacks. Buffy grabs a chair and throws it at him, tripping him up. She runs back out of the room and grabs her mother's hand. She turns down the hall to the right, but more vampires come in that way, so she goes the other way. In the lounge Spike grabs hold of a man. Spike: Nobody gets out! Especially the girl! Cut to the hall. Another vampire is guarding an exit. Buffy heads in another direction. Buffy: Everybody, this way! C'mon! C'mon! Snyder and several others run past her as she shoves a cleaning cart into the two vampires chasing them. Willow and Cordelia come running out of the lounge and nearly trip over them. They head to their right, but a vampire grabs Cordelia and she screams. Willow grabs a bust from a display pedestal and wields it back for a swing. Willow: Hey! The vampire looks up and Willow swings the bust hard into his face, knocking him off of Cordelia. Willow grabs her hand and pulls her into a closet. Cut to the hall outside the library. Giles, Jenny and Xander come running out. Giles: What the hell...?! They see Buffy's group running toward them. Buffy: Spike and an army! Look out! They look behind them and see a vampire. Jenny screams. Giles: Back! They run back into the library and hold the door shut as the vampire slams into it. Buffy opens the door to the science classroom. Buffy: In here! Now! The people all run into the room. Buffy follows them in last and closes the door as the two vampires come running into the hall and begin banging on the door. Cut inside the classroom. Snyder and another man maneuver a storage cabinet in front of the door. Buffy runs over to the other door and closes and locks it. The power goes out. Cut to the library. Giles, Jenny and Xander look up from barricading the doors as the lights go off and the emergency lights come on. Cut to the hall outside the lounge. Spike is still holding on to the man. Vampire#2: We cut the power. Nobody got out. Spike: And the Slayer? Vampire#2: She either went that way (points to his right) or that way. (points to his left) I saw two others. Spike: You don't know?! (lets go of the man) I'm a veal kind of guy. You're too old to eat. (grabs his head and snaps his neck) But not to kill. (looks at vampire#2) I feel better. Cut to the library. Giles tries the phone, but it's dead. Giles: They've cut the phones. (has an idea) Wait a minute. There's an old boarded up-cellar behind the stacks. You can get out that way. (to Xander) Find Angel. He knows about Spike. We need him. Xander: No, I'm not going anywhere until I know that Buffy and Willow are alright. Giles: No one will be alright unless we get some help! Xander gives in and goes. Cut to the classroom. Man: Who are those people, and what do they want? Joyce: I didn't get much of a look, but is there something wrong with their faces? I... Snyder: Yes! PCP! It's a gang on PCP! We've gotta get out of here. He grabs a desk, sets it in front of a window and starts climbing. Buffy: You can't go outside! They'll kill you! Snyder: You don't tell me! I tell you! Buffy: (pulls him down) They will kill everybody in this room. Nobody goes out, nobody comes in until I say so. Do you hear me? Snyder: Who do you think you are? Buffy: I'm the one that knows how to stop them. She looks up and walks across the room, trying to find a way into the ceiling. Joyce grabs her by the shoulders. Joyce: Buffy, are you crazy? Look, I know you've been accused of fighting and other things, but those guys are serious. You can't go out there. Buffy: I know. That's why I'm going up there. She grabs a stool, sets it on a lab table, climbs up and pushes a ceiling panel aside. She looks down at her mom. Buffy: Don't worry, Mom. She lifts herself up into the ceiling. Cut to the halls. Spike is looking for Buffy. Spike: Slaaayer! Here, kitty, kittyyy. I find one of your friends first, I'm gonna suck 'em dry. And use their bones to bash your head in. (kicks a door open) The camera closes on the closet where Willow and Cordelia are hiding. Cut inside. Cordelia is holding a broom for defense. Spike: Are you getting a word picture here? Cordelia: (whispers) Oh, God, oh, God! Willow clasps her hand around Cordelia's mouth to keep her quiet. Cut to the hall. Spike is about to kick the closet door open when he's distracted. Vampire#2: Spike! Listen... They listen and hear activity in the ceiling. Cut to Buffy crawling through the ceiling space. Cut to the hall. Spike: (sing-song) Someone's in the ceeeeeiling! Cut to the library. Giles stuffs several stakes into his jacket pockets, grabs a battle-ax from the table and heads toward the door. Jenny: Hey-hey-hey-hey! What are you doing? Giles starts to push his way through the barricade they constructed. Jenny: There are at least three vampires in that hall! God only knows how many others in the building! Giles: (looks at Jenny) Listen! I am the Watcher! I am responsible for her, and I have, I have to go! He starts pushing things aside again. Jenny: Rupert! He looks back at her again. Jenny: Be careful. Giles: Push these back as soon as I... Buffy breaks through the ceiling and drops to the floor. Jenny steps back in surprise. Giles lifts his ax. Giles: Buffy! (lowers the ax) You're all right! Buffy takes off her outer sweater. Jenny: How are the others? Buffy: Principal Snyder, my mother and four others are locked in the science room across the hall. Willow and Cordelia ran the other way. (puts on Xander's bag) I don't know if they're... Where's Xander? Giles: He got out through the stacks. He's getting Angel. Jenny helps Buffy put crosses and stakes into the bag. Buffy: Good. Okay, I'm gonna take the vamps out in the hall. After that you get my mother and the others out the same way. Giles: Let me help you. Buffy: Giles, my mother's in that room. If I don't make it out of here, I know you'll make sure she does. Giles: Bloody right, I will. Fair enough. What's your plan? Buffy: Well, they split up to hold us here, so I'm gonna take 'em one on one. Set 'em up and knock 'em down. She grabs a stool and positions it under the hole in the ceiling. She gets up on the stool and lifts herself back up. Giles: Watch your back! Cut to the science classroom. Snyder is pacing. Joyce: Why don't you sit down? Snyder: This is my school. What I say goes, and I say this is not happening. Joyce: Well, then I guess the danger's over! Man: I'm not waiting for them to open the doors. I'm gettin' out! Joyce: Don't be an idiot! Snyder: I'm beginning to see a certain mother-daughter resemblance. The man climbs up to the window and lifts the sash. Joyce: No! Look, you heard what Buffy said! Snyder: She's a student. What does she know? He takes off his jacket and goes to help the man. The two of them begin bending back the metal slats blocking the window. Cut to the hall. A vampire throws himself against the science classroom door. It doesn't budge. He sees Spike looking at him. Vampire: Yeah. Door's solid. Spike: Use your head. He grabs the vampire by the shoulder and shoves his head into a fire emergency case containing an ax. He pulls the ax out, thrusts it into the vampire's hands and continues down the hall. He passes two others pounding on another door. Spike: You! Come with me! One of the vampires follows him. Cut to the science classroom. The vampire begins swinging the ax at the door. Joyce casts a worried look at Snyder and the other man. They get two slats bent aside. Snyder: (grunts) I did it! The man starts to pull himself through the opening. Snyder helps, but lets go when the man begins to kick and scream while struggling with something outside. Snyder watches as the man is pulled through the window and then steps down. Joyce quickly climbs up, bends the slats back and closes the sash. Cut to the hall. Spike is listening for activity in the ceiling. He pinpoints her sound. Cut to the ceiling space. Buffy is making her way through it. Cut outside. The man lies dead on the grass. Xander and Angel see him. Xander: You know a lot about this Spike guy, so, um... you got a plan? Angel grabs Xander by the throat. Xander: Good plan. Angel drags him into the building. Cut to the closet. Cordelia: (whispers) I think he's gone. (reaches for the door) Willow: (whispers) He could come back! Cordelia: (looks at Willow) What are we gonna do? Willow: Pray. Cut to the ceiling space. Buffy keeps crawling. Cut to the lounge. Spike finds two metal poles and throws one to the other vampire as he goes back into the hall. He listens for a moment and then shoves the pole up into the ceiling. The other vampire follows suit. Cut to the ceiling space. Buffy sees a pole poke through right in front of her. She begins backing up. Cut to the hall. The vampire has almost chopped through the door to the science classroom. He steps around the corner to warn the other vampire. Vampire: Hey! Guard the door! I'm almost finished! He goes back to chopping when Buffy breaks through the ceiling behind him. She pulls him down with her as she drops from the ceiling and quickly dispatches him with a stake. Joyce is looking through the hole in the door, but can't see much of anything. Buffy gets up and looks through the hole. Joyce: Buffy! Are you okay? Buffy: I'm fine, mom. Joyce: Buffy, look, uh, get out of here, okay? We'll be alright! Buffy: Look, just hang on for one more minute until I tell you to open the door. She quietly makes her way to the other hall, stake in hand. She peeks around the corner and see the other vampire standing there with his back to her. She hears a noise behind her and looks. Buffy: Sheila! Where've you been? Sheila: Sorry I'm late. There's some really weird guys outside. Buffy: Shh! Yeah, I know. They're trying to kill us. Sheila: (picks up the ax and smiles) This should be fun. Buffy slowly heads back to the other hall. Cut to Spike still poking the poles into the ceiling. Angel comes into the hall with Xander. Spike sees him. Spike: Angelus! Angel wraps his arm around Xander's neck. Angel: Spike! Spike: I'll be damned! He tosses his pole aside and they greet each other with a hug and a laugh. Angel: I taught you to always guard your perimeter. Tsk, tsk, tsk. You should have someone out there. Spike: I did. I'm surrounded by idiots. What's new with you? Angel: Everything. Spike: Yeah. Come up against this Slayer yet? Angel: She's cute. Not too bright, though. Gave the puppy dog 'I'm all tortured' act. Keeps her off my back when I feed! (laughs) Spike: (laughing) People still fall for that Anne Rice routine. What a world! Xander: I knew you were lying. Angel gives Xander a squeeze to shut him up. Xander: Undead liar guy. Angel grabs him by the hair and shirt and holds up his exposed neck. Angel: Wanna bite before we kill her? Cut to Buffy. She and Sheila are about to round the corner. Buffy: (whispers) Stay behind me. She goes into the other hall and quietly makes her way to the vampire, holding her stake up and ready. Behind her Sheila vamps out and raises the ax. ~~~~~~~~~~ Part 4 ~~~~~~~~~~ The halls. Sheila raises her ax. Giles sees through the round library door window behind her and yells out a warning. Giles: Buffy! Look out! She spins around and grabs the ax from Sheila in mid-swing. She swings it around and hits Sheila in the jaw with the butt of the handle. The other vampire attacks and ducks as Buffy swings the ax at him. The ax gets buried in the wall. The vampire smiles as he straightens back up, thinking he avoided her blow, but then looks down at the stake protruding from his chest. He collapses to the floor and bursts into ashes. Buffy looks over at Sheila and watches her run from the hall, then rushes back to the classroom door. Buffy: Mom, now! Joyce: (opens the door) Okay, come on, let's go! Everyone rushes out of the classroom and into the library. Joyce: C'mon! Hurry! Buffy: (to Giles) Get them out! Joyce: You're coming too! Buffy: In a minute! Go! (rushes off) Joyce: (watching her go) Buffy! Cut to Spike and Angel. Spike: I haven't seen you in the killing fields for an age. Angel: I'm not much for company. Spike: No, you never were. So, why're you so scared of this Slayer? Angel: Scared? Spike: Yeah. Time was you would've taken her out in a heartbeat. Now look at you. I bet this, uh, tortured thing is an act, right? You're not... housebroken? Angel: I saw her kill the Master. Hey, you think you can take her alone? Be my guest. I'll just feed and run. (roars and bends to Xander's neck) Spike: (holds up his hand) Don't be silly! We're all friends. We'll do it together. Let's drink to it. They both slowly lean in to Xander's neck. At the last moment Spike punches Angel in the face, making him stagger back. Spike: You think you can fool me?! You were my sire, man! You were my... Yoda! Angel: Things change. Spike: Not us! Not demons! Man, I can't believe this. You Uncle Tom! (grabs his pole from the floor) Come on, people! This isn't a spectator sport! The vampires roar and attack. Xander barges out the door behind him and runs. Angel follows as the other vampires give chase. Spike senses someone behind him and looks up. Spike: Fe, fi, fo fum. I smell the blood of a nice ripe (turns to face Buffy) girl. Buffy: (holding the ax) Do we really need weapons for this? Spike: I just like them. They make me feel all manly. He drops the pole and slowly steps toward Buffy. She drops the ax. Spike: The last Slayer I killed... she begged for her life. Buffy slowly walks to the middle of the hall, watching him intently. Spike: You don't strike me as the begging kind. Buffy: You shouldn'ta come here. Spike: No. I've messed up your doilies and stuff. But I just got so bored. (smirks) I'll tell you what. As a personal favor from me to you I'll make it quick. It won't hurt a bit. Buffy: No, Spike. It's gonna hurt a lot. They start to fight. Cut outside. Angel and Xander fight the other vampires. Cut to the hall. Buffy and Spike exchange several blows. He throws her into the wall. Cut to the library. Joyce is following everyone out through the stacks when she stops and wonders what happened to her daughter. Giles: Come on, everyone. This way! Cut outside. Xander avoids several punches and kicks. His own punch misses, and he gets kicked to the ground from behind. Cut to the hall. Buffy and Spike keep fighting. Cut outside. A vampire has Xander by the neck. Angel punches her off of him. The others get up again and run from the fight. Cut to the hall. Buffy ducks a punch and lands four of her own in a row. Spike grabs her arm and shoves her into the wall. She slides down it quickly, and Spike's next punch goes through the wall. She gets behind him and kicks him high and hard in the neck. Spike: Now, that hurt! He pulls his arm out of the wall, ripping a stud out with it, and swings it into Buffy's face. She flies back and lands on the floor, stunned. Spike: But not as much as this will. He stands over her and wields back the stud to slam it into her, but he gets hit in the head with the ax. He goes sprawling to the floor and looks up at his attacker. Joyce stands above him with the ax in her hands, ready to swing again. Joyce: You get the hell away from my daughter! Spike holds the stud above himself to protect against any blows. Buffy gets to her feet. Spike: Women! He gets up and runs through the lounge and out the broken window. Joyce: (exhales and drops the ax) Nobody lays a hand on my little girl. They embrace. Buffy looks out the window. Cut to later outside. The police are everywhere. The camera pans down to the Police Chief talking to an officer. Chief: Take care of this. The officer nods and leaves. The Chief walks over to his car. Snyder comes up to him. Snyder: Hello, Bob. Chief: It's over. They all got away. I got a body inside, and I got another one on the south lawn. And it looks like he was pulled right through the window. Snyder: I told him not to go through that window. Cut to Giles and Jenny coming out of the building. Jenny: Well, another wonderful fun-filled evening. Giles: Uh, yes. You know, um, I will understand if you decide to start avoiding me. Jenny takes Giles' arm, and they walk off together. Cut to Angel and Xander. Xander: So, when you gave him my neck to chew on, why didn't you clock him before he had a chance to clock you? Angel: I told you. I couldn't make the first move. I had to see if he was buying it or not. Xander: A-and if he bit me, what then? Angel: We would've known he bought it. Xander stops as Angel continues on. Xander: Hey, what's the deal with you being Spike's sire? What's a sire? Cut to Snyder and the Chief. Chief: I need to say something to the media people. Snyder: So? Chief: So? You want the usual story? Gang-related? PCP? Snyder: What'd you have in mind? The truth? Chief: (considers) Right. Gang-related. PCP. Cut to Buffy and Joyce. Buffy: So, what did you and Principal Snyder talk about anyway? Joyce: Principal Snyder said you were a troublemaker. Buffy looks down in shame. Joyce: And I could care less. Buffy looks back up. Joyce: I have a daughter who can take care of herself. Who's brave and resourceful and thinks of others in a crisis. No matter who you hang out with or what dumb teenage stuff you think you need to do, I'm gonna sleep better knowing all that. Buffy: About how long till this wears off and you start ragging on me again? Joyce: Oh, at least a week and a half. Buffy: Very cool! Cut to later. The last Police car leaves the school. Cut to the hall. The camera pans over to the utility closet. Cut inside. Cordelia is kneeling in prayer. Willow stares at her in disbelief. Cordelia: And if you get me out of this, I swear I'll never be mean to anyone ever again. Unless they really deserve it. Or if it's that time of the month, in which case I don't think you or anyone else can hold me responsible... Willow: Ask for some aspirin. Cordelia: And can you please send some asp... Hey! Cut to morning. The sun comes up over the complex where the vampires gather. The camera pans over to their warehouse. Cut inside. Sunlight is streaming through a high window. Spike is standing by a cage. Drusilla walks around the cage to him. Drusilla: Spike, did she hurt you?	Plan: A: The Night of St. Vigeous; Q: What is the name of the night when the power of all vampires will be at its peak? A: town; Q: What do Spike and Drusilla blast into? A: a third notch; Q: What does Spike want to add to his tally of Slayer-kills? A: disastrous results; Q: What happens when Spike attacks Buffy at Sunnydale High on Parent Teacher Night? Summary: The Night of St. Vigeous is fast approaching, when the power of all vampires will be at its peak. Spike and Drusilla blast into town and learn that Sunnydale has its very own Slayer. Impatient to add a third notch to his tally of Slayer-kills, Spike attacks Buffy at Sunnydale High on Parent Teacher Night-with disastrous results.
At the ski lodge Darcy: What time is it? Peter? (She looks around and sees her clothes on the floor.) Darcy: Peter! Peter what happened last night? Peter: I think I became fluent in keg draft. Darcy: But did we? Oh my gosh. We did. Peter: Did what? (She nods down.) Peter: Are you sure? Darcy: Yes I'm sure and you should be too. You were kinda there. Peter: My body was I guess, but not my mind...Darcy I was totally wasted. Darcy: You're not the only one who was. I've got the thrashing headache to prove it. Peter: We had sx? Darcy: When does the next bus leave? If I don't get home before my parents, I'm dead. Peter: Darcy I know this isn't how you pictured it. Darcy: Let me get dressed. Just get out. Peter: No I mean I wish it had been more memorable. I know how much it meant to you, losing your virginity. Darcy: No you don't, Peter. Not even a little. Now please let me get dressed. In the gym Manny: And 5, 6, 7, 8. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6, 7, 8. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6, 7, 8. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6, 7, 8. (Holly J starts screwing up the moves.) Darcy: Uh Holly? Try to keep up. Holly J: It's Holly J and I'm trying. It's just hard to memorize mediocrity. Darcy: Please. You know what? Practice is over. Everyone hit the showers. Manny: Way to end practice on a high note. What happened? Darcy: What? Uh what do you mean? Manny: You know at Mount Huron? After you got all judgy on me and I left? Darcy: Manny I'm really sorry about that. Manny: What was it again? No values, no self-respect... (Darcy doesn't say anything.) Manny: Uh oh. Rents caught you sneaking back in, didn't they? Darcy: No they didn't. It's not that. It's Peter. Manny: I had a feeling when you guys weren't on the bus home. Did something happen? (She starts to cry.) Darcy: Everything and I barely remember it. Manny: Are you sure you said yes? You're sure Peter didn't take advantage? Darcy: Manny don't go there. I got drunk and I made a mistake. End of story. Manny: You're not the first one, honey. Darcy: What if people find out? What if they talk and say I'm like this big nympho? I swear I'd die. Manny: You'll be fine, so as long as you make sure Peter hasn't told anyone. Darcy: But I know. Manny: And every girl is entitled to a secret, or two, or three. It'll be fine. At Marco, Paige and Ellie's Marco: Morning. Sleep okay? Alex: Yeah you weren't lying about that couch. Marco: You don't have to lie, Alex. I know you and Paige are playing house in Dylan's room. It's not like he's gonna care. He's in Switzerland. (Paige walks in looking for something.) Marco: Keys to the store? They're on the fridge. Paige: Oh thanks, hon. Without you, I'd be sad, lonely and with many cats. Marco: You know we have a no pets rule? Paige: Well once I close down Squatch Designs for good, I'll leave the rats behind. Bye guys. Marco: Bye. (She kisses Alex goodbye.) Marco: Hey El don't forget, study group at 4. I made notes. Ellie: Thanks. You're too perfect. Marco: Tell that to Dylan. Alex: What's with Dylan? Marco: It's our anniversary and you'd think I would have heard from him by now, but nada. Ellie: Marco, the boy has checked out. Marco: I gotta get to class. Ellie: Sorry! I'm sure he'll call. In Ms. Kwan's class Derek: Come on. You can tell us. Danny: Totally. We're practically friends. Peter: Alright, but you guys can't tell anyone. Alright...I think Darcy and I had sx. Derek: No way! Danny: What?! Peter: Shh! Danny: What do you mean think you had sx? Peter: Well you know when you think you had sx, but you're not totally sure if you did or not? Derek: Uh no. Danny: Come on dude, you're asking us? Derek: So what is it? Did you do it or not? Danny: I knew it! He did. Score. Peter: Shh. It's a secret. You guys can keep a secret, right? Danny: Totally. We're not like immature or whatever. Derek: Yeah. So did you see her bare-naked? Ms. Kwan: Seats everyone. Today we begin studying a new novel, the mid-19th century classic, "The Scarlet Letter" written by Nathaniel Hawthorne. The book is a story of a woman who must permanently bear the mark of her sins in the face of public scrutiny. At the Core Marco: Hello Nash. Eric: Marco. Hey how are you? Marco: Eric! Eric: What brings you to the Core? Marco: Uh just getting a textbook from El. How goes the journalism? Ellie: Makes no sense. Jesse: What? Your Justin Timberlake review? Ellie: Ha ha. It's Marco. He keeps holding onto a guy who treats him like crap. Jesse: Well he's sure got a fan in Eric. Ellie: Really? We should set them up! Jesse: We should mind our own business and by 'we', I mean you. Ellie: Look you know Marco. Unless someone intervenes, he's gonna let Dylan kick him around forever. Jesse: No doubt. Marco's loyal to a fault, which is why he's never gonna let you set him up with Eric. Ellie: You're right. Just means we're gonna have to be sneaky. Jesse: Still with the 'we', huh? Outside the school Peter: Hey you still mad at me? Darcy: I wasn't mad at you. I was freaked out. Peter: Yeah I get it. I do. I was freaked too. Darcy: I'm just surprised, I guess. Peter: Yeah I know. It wasn't how you thought it would happen. (They hug.) Darcy: So we agree? That it was a mistake. I mean it can't happen again. Peter: Darcy I don't want to do anything to make you unhappy, ever. So whatever you say goes. Darcy: And you didn't tell anyone about, about what we did, did you? Peter: No. Of course not. Darcy: Good because if anyone found out... Peter: Don't worry. No one will. I'm just glad we're cool because if you were mad at me, I couldn't take it. At Marco and Ellie's Marco: So Dylan just sent the lamest text. It says "Hap aniv M, Luv D. Could that be any more abbreviated? Why does it smell like pizza? Ellie: Because we have guests. Jesse: Hey Marco. Uh Eric and I were uh just doing some work. Eric: Hey Marco. Ellie: Jesse I wanted to show you that thing. Remember? Jesse: Oh right. The thing. Love things. (They leave Marco and Eric alone.) Marco: Well that wasn't awkward. Eric: I'm sorry. I didn't know they were gonna make it such an obvious setup. Marco: But you did know it was a setup? Eric: Well I guess I kinda thought there was something between us. Marco: Yeah there is something between us. His name's Dylan. He's my boyfriend. Eric: Okay. I wonder if uh Ellie can show me that, that thing. Enjoy the pizza. At the Dot (Peter and Darcy are cuddling when Emma and Manny walk in.) Manny: Hey. Mind if we interrupt this love fest? Darcy: We've got all the time in the world for friends. Peter: We can all be friends, right? Emma: No recent reasons why not. People change, right? Peter: They sure do. (Jane walks in.) Jane: Get a room you two. Oh wait a sec, you already did that, you sly dogs. Darcy: You told her? Peter: No I didn't! Jane: Well those two fuzz-head twins won't shut up about it. (Darcy leaves.) Peter: Thanks a lot. (Peter rushes out after her.) Peter: Darcy I'm sorry. Darcy: Oh great you're sorry. That's really gonna help me get my reputation back. Peter: I only told Danny and Derek because I was so freaking confused. Darcy: About what? Peter: About the fact that you say we had sx, but I don't think we did. I really don't. Darcy: I know what happened that night. I know that we had sx. Peter: Listen, last time I saw you, you were passed out and there were a lot of people around. People we don't know. I was out of control. Darcy: Stop it Peter! Peter: I really hope it's not true, but what if something happened? Darcy: It's not possible. I'm not the sort of person that happens to. Peter: You're sure you had sx. I'm sure it wasn't with me. Darcy: Don't talk to me. Peter: What? Darcy: You heard what I said. Don't talk to me ever. (She walks away upset.) [SCENE_BREAK] Outside the school (Darcy walks inside after taking a deep breath.) Derek: Darcy you little thief. Danny: Yeah we heard you stole Pete's virginity. Made him a man, you little minx. Emma: Out of the way, dorks! Don't let them bug you. We've both been here before. Manny: It's like being a sheep and the halls are filled with wolves with acne. Kim: Guess all those years in Friendship Club didn't mean much. Darcy: Hey Kim. Kim: I see you're still wearing your abstinence ring. Don't you think you should take it off? Emma: This isn't the time, Kim. Darcy: No it's fine. (She takes off her ring and hands it to Kim.) Darcy: Satisfied? Kim: Virginity is God's most precious gift and you just gave it away. (Manny sticks out her tongue at Kim and the girls walk away.) At Marco and Ellie's Ellie: Yeah frozen toaster tart! Marco: Hey you're still in the doghouse Nash. Ellie: I was only trying to help you and by the way, it was real nice of you to crush poor Eric's feeling. Marco: I know. I got freaked. Maybe I'm attracted to him. Ellie: Maybe? Marco: Okay he's hot! And in another time and place it might have worked, but Dylan... Ellie: ...is in Europe, which is European for far, far away. He's living his life Marco, but what are you doing? Marco: Fine. I will take Eric out for one cup of coffee. Just promise to get off my back. Ellie: Promise. (Marco tries to take the poptarts out of the toaster and Ellie stops him.) Ellie: No. they have to be hot. At Darcy's locker Peter: Darcy can I talk to you? Darcy: I think you've done enough talking. You've made my life here hell. Manny: Shoo! Go on! Get! (She pushes him away.) Peter: I'm gonna murder Danny and Derek! Jane: Hey uh you guys hear about that Mount Huron thing? There's a police warning about some roofie rapist on the loose. Someone's going around and spiking some random girls' drinks at parties. Crazy scary. (Darcy has a flashback to the night.) Darcy: Totally. So lucky it wasn't one of us. Jane: Yeah. (Jane leaves and Darcy doesn't say anything.) Darcy: What? Manny: You said you were out of your mind drunk. Darcy: I had one drink. It just hit me. Manny: One drink doesn't hit you like that. Roofies do and they also make you forget. Darcy: I remember me and Peter having sx. I remember the whole thing. It was beautiful. Manny: That's not what you said yesterday. Darcy: Well my memory came back. At a doctor's office (Darcy is getting her blood tested.) Doctor: So we'll send this off to the lab, along with your urine. We'll test for the usual STI's. Just bend your arm up. And we'll have the results in a few hours. Darcy: And there's absolutely no way you can tell if I'm pregnant? Doctor: Not this soon, I'm sorry. You uh, you said you were very intoxicated when you had s*x. Are you sure it was consensual? Darcy: Oh absolutely. My boyfriend, Ramón's, condom broke. Oops. Doctor: Ms. Edwards, I know an excellent person you can talk to if... Darcy: Oh no need, doctor. I've got my boyfriend, my family, my friends, all sorts of support. Doctor: Okay. At a coffee shop Eric: That's why I love the summer camp. I think all kids should have access to the outdoors. Marco: Yeah and all the mosquito bites they can scratch. Eric: Don't knock it, city boy. Maybe some day I'll take you to the woods. Marco: Look Eric you're great and I'm trying, but I have a boyfriend. Eric: Look you have a crutch. What are you afraid of Marco? Marco: Nothing. Its long distance and it's difficult, but I'm committed. Eric: Look you're hiding under a safety blanket. There's a whole world out there and Dylan's not the only gay man in it. Marco: Well thanks for the advice. You sure seem to know a lot about my love life. Eric: I know you deserve someone who's good to you. Marco: Well I happen to have that guy. In Darcy's backyard Manny: Hey. Got your IM. What's going on? Darcy: I used to play here when I was little and I used to dream about my prince who would sweep me of my feet at our perfect wedding. I just found out I have Chlamydia. Got any antibiotics? Manny: Is Peter getting tested? (Darcy shakes her head no and she starts to cry.) Darcy: I remember feeling someone on me and he smelled bad. Not like Peter. I just wanted it to be him so bad. Manny: Oh my god, Darcy. Darcy: I don't know what to do, Manny. I'm terrified. Everywhere I look I think "is that him? Is that the guy?" Manny: Darcy you've got to talk to someone. You've got to tell. Darcy: You said Manny. You said every girl is entitled to a secret. Manny: I didn't mean getting raped. Babe you've got to talk to your parents, okay? (Darcy nods her head.) Manny: Darcy, you're still gonna have your prince and your perfect wedding. You're gonna have it all, okay? It's okay. At Darcy's house Mrs. Edwards: Daddy and I are off to choir practice. Hey everything okay, honey? Oh don't tell me that cold of yours is coming back. Darcy: I'm still feeling a little under the weather. Have fun at choir. At Spirit Squad practice Manny: Okay bring it down. Holly J, can you take over for a sec? Holly J: Okay back in formation. (Manny goes into the locker room and finds Darcy on the floor with the shower running and her wrist cut, bleeding into the drain.) Manny: Darcy? Darcy! (Manny turns off the water and gives her a towel.) Manny: Oh my god. Hold this. Press. I'm calling 911. At the hospital Peter: Do they know? Manny: I don't think Darcy told them yet. Peter: Someone's got to. Manny: Not us, not now. Peter: Why not? Manny: I got this pamphlet. Peter: Oh great a pamphlet. Manny: It says rape victims need to heal at their own pace. It's important. (Mrs. Edwards starts to walk over and Peter leaves before she can see him.) Mrs. Edwards: The cut wasn't deep. She'll be okay, but can you tell me why my perfect daughter would have done this? Manny: Mrs. Edwards, I really don't know. (Darcy is shown in the hospital bed upset.) At Marco, Paige and Ellie's (Marco is pouring a cup of coffee when Paige walks in.) Paige: Keeping Sumatra in business, hon? Marco: I haven't slept much. Been waiting for Dylan to call for two days. Paige: Well luckily I've got just the thing to cheer you up. Squatch Design tees in every single colour. Marco: Sorry about the store going under. Paige: No big. We did everything we could. C'est la vie, que sera and all that. There's no use crying. Marco: I guess when it's time, it's time. (His phone rings.) Marco: Dylan. Hey listen, um we need to talk. Yeah it's the talk. In Ms. Sauvé's office Darcy: I just don't know what to say. I don't even know why I'm here. Ms. Sauvé: You're here because you hurt yourself on school property. Darcy I know there's a reason for what you did and if you ever do want to talk, I could be a pretty good listener. But in the meantime we're gonna create a safety plan and make sure you have the best support system around. And if there's anything else you need, you know where to reach me. In the hallway Manny: Hey. How'd it go? Darcy: I couldn't tell her. Not yet. Peter: I got you something, abstinence ring. Manny: What happened, it didn't count Darcy. (She takes the ring and they start walking down the hall together.) Scenes for next week Voiceover: On an all new Degrassi when Paige goes all Devil Wears Prada... Andrea: The models? Paige: Are in makeup as we speak. Andrea: What about the new music mix? Paige: Oh uh tracks 1-6. Have it on a loop. Voiceover: And total hell breaks loose. Paige: Oh my god. Take off the dress now! Alex: But I was trying to surprise you. Paige: Well congratulations! Voiceover: Is this the end of Paige and Alex? Alex: You actually care about this artificial crap? Paige: You were better off as a stripper.	Plan: A: Darcy; Q: Who believes that she and Peter had sex at the party? A: news; Q: What spreads about a "roofie-rapist" in the area? A: terms; Q: What does Darcy have to come to with the possibility that she might have been raped? A: Ellie; Q: Who decides to fix Marco up with another guy? A: Dylan; Q: Who is neglecting their relationship? Summary: Darcy believes that she and Peter had sex at the party, but when news spreads about a "roofie-rapist" in the area, she is forced to come to terms with the possibility that she might have been raped. Meanwhile, Ellie decides to fix Marco up with another guy, since Dylan seems to be neglecting their relationship.
"The Skull in the Desert" [SCENE_BREAK] TEASER (Medico Legal Lab - Forensics Platform. Zack and Brennan examine remains, Hodgins uses his computer) ZACK: The victim was stabbed upward of 30 times. Every rib is marked. Vertebrae sternal, vertebrae costal. BRENNAN: What kind of weapon? HODGINS (looking at pictures on his computer of Angela's vacation): Who vacations in the desert? It's like lunching at the dump. ZACK (distracted by the pictures of Angela on Hodgins's computer monitor): Uh, pointed, with no cutting edge. Like a giant ice pick. (Hodgins changes pictures on his monitor to one of Angela in a bikini) HODGINS (Grinning at the picture): Whoa. Angela. BRENNAN (Focused on the remains): Or a sharpened screwdriver. HODGINS: We warned her about the sun, right? We told her to cover up, avoid melanoma? ZACK (seeing the new picture Hodgin's has switched to: Angela kissing a man in front of a rocky hill): Who's the guy? HODGINS: Her boyfriend Kirk. ZACK: Angela has a boyfriend? BRENNAN: Every year for three weeks, Angela has a boyfriend and a vacation, HODGINS: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Playing house in a post-boho rustic artist's cabin in the desert with her overpaid pseudo-celebrity photographer boyfriend-that is not a vacation. BRENNAN (Bent over the remains): Eight months to a year dead, correct? HODGINS (Distracted): Yeah, yeah. Pupae casings, maggots, blah, blah, blah. Eight months of a year. (Hodgins opens a videoconference with Angela on his computer) HODGINS: Angela, we're betting. Are you using Crisco or butter for sunscreen? ANGELA (Looking troubled): Hey, Brennan, could I talk to you in private, please? (Cut to: Brennan's office. Brennan is on the telephone with Angela. The scene will shift between Brennan's office and Angela's desert retreat.) ANGELA: You're gonna think I'm crazy. BRENNAN: What's up? Boyfriend trouble? ANGLEA: No, I, I'd just send it to you, but the sheriff won't let me. BRENNAN: Send what? ANGELA: Somebody left a human skull in a box on the sheriff's porch. He says it was probably a Navajo who respects the dead, but doesn't want to get pulled into the whole white justice system. The thing is is that Kirk went out into the desert five days ago on a photo shoot, and he hasn't come back. Nobody can find him or his guide. BRENNAN: You think the skull's Kirk's? ANGELA: No, no. Kirk's always going out into the desert for days at a time. BRENNAN: You're really sending me mixed messages, Ange. ANGELA: Yeah, well, I'm freaking out, I guess. I'm sorry. Look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called. Pretend I didn't call. I'll just, I'll talk to you when Kirk gets back. Sorry. (Angela hangs up. Brennan looks dumbfounded.) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab. Brennan and Dr. Goodman are walking and meet Zack and Hodgins, leaving the forensics platform. Brennan heads for the exit with a packed bag.) GOODMAN: You're taking a vacation in the desert with no notice? HODGINS: I don't get the attraction. I really don't. Snakes, scorpions- BRENNAN (Over Hodgins): It should only be for a few days. HODGINS: Buzzards and snakes. GOODMAN: What about the stabbing victim? BRENNAN: Zack identified the weapon and the victim. Our job is done. (Brennan passes through the sliding glass doors, leaving the three men in her wake.) (Cut to: A desert road - in Angela's jeep.) ANGELA: I mean, it's not like I actually think that the skull is Kirk's. But, I mean, if you could just look at it and just tell me it isn't, then I could stop worrying about him being dead and just be mad at him for being a flaky artist. (Brennan turns on the radio and is greeted with static.) ANGELA: You won't get anything out here. We're about a hundred miles past where Jesus lost his sandals. BRENNAN: I assume that's a way of saying we're extremely isolated? ANGELA: Yeah. That's why we come out here every year. It's like you stand still, and the whole universe just comes at you. BRENNAN: At 110 degrees. ANGELA: You know, Kirk was out with a good guide. Our friend Dahni. I mean, he said he'd be back. He said we'd go out for nachos and beer. And this is a man who's serious about his beer. (Cut to: The Sheriff's Office. Sheriff Ben Dawes is reluctant to include Brennan in the investigation) SHERIFF DAWES (on the telephone): I got the Navajo police looking between Dano Ona Canyon and the Otero Bluffs. ANGELA (Frustrated, interrupting the Sheriff's phone call): Hey, Ben. Dr. Brennan is a forensic anthropologist with the Jeffersonian Institution. BRENNAN: I spend most of my time helping the F.B.I. conduct murder investigations. SHERIFF DAWES: Angie, I kinda got my hands full getting searchers out to look for Dahni and Kirk. SHERIFF DAWES (into the telephone): The state police said they would lend us a chopper, but only if we narrow down a search area. (Sheriff Dawes hangs up the phone) SHERIFF DAWES (Sighing): They gotta be running low on water. I don't give them more than a couple of days. ANGELA: Ben, if you could just show Dr. Brennan the skull. BRENNAN: Or point me toward the morgue. (Sheriff Dawes bends to retrieve a box from under his desk. He places it on his desktop and removes a plastic bag from inside, and places it on top of the box for Brennan to see.) SHERIFF DAWES: Welcome to the Merville County Morgue. (Brennan and Angela exchange glances as Brennan adjusts her gloves and reaches to open the bag and remove the skull.) BRENNAN: Prominent brow ridge indicates the victim is male. BRENNAN (Gestures at the desk to Sheriff Dawes): You mind? SHERIFF DAWES (He moves to hand her his breakfast): Be my guest. ANGELA: No, no. She wants the plate, Ben. Not the muffin. (Sheriff Dawes flick the food off the dish and hands Brennan the plate. Brennan uses it to rest the skull on while she analyzes it.) BRENNAN: Cranial shape and nasal features suggest Caucasian. ANGELA: Died in the last several days. SHERIFF DAWES: Critters been at it pretty good. BRENNAN: Pattern of basilar suture fusion puts age 30 to 35. ANGELA: Well, it doesn't look like Kirk. SHERIFF DAWES: It doesn't look like anyone, Angie. (Brennan takes a scraping from the skull and sniffs it.) BRENNAN: Putrescine. Early stages of decomp. ANGELA (Uncomfortable): Cause of death? SHERIFF DAWES: A man gets caught unawares out in the desert, he could be dead in a few hours. (Brennan examines the skull with a magnifying glass.) BRENNAN: Uh oh. ANGELA: What? BRENNAN: The base of the skull here detached from the spinal cord. See these little bevel marks? Para-mortem contact gunshot. It wasn't the desert who caught this man unawares. It was someone with a gun. ACT I (Cut to: Angela's Bungalow - Angela and Brennan discussing the skull.) ANGELA: You can't say that it's Kirk. BRENNAN: I know. ANGELA: You want some tea? BRENNAN: I'd rather have a beer. (Angela nods slightly and goes to Brennan's drink. Brennan notices some photos on the coffee table, including one of a Navajo woman.) BRENNAN: This woman modeling in these pictures, is this Dahni? ANGELA: Yeah. Dahni Webber. It's Kirk's guide in the desert. BRENNAN: She's beautiful. ANGELA: Dahni's lived here her whole life. You know, Ben says that she knows the desert better than anybody. Look, there's no way that she gets lost or she runs out of water. There's just no way. (Brennan moves to touch Angela's shoulder.) ANGELA (Shrinking away): No. BRENNAN: What? ANGELA: Brennan, if you hug me and you be all caring it's because you think Kirk is dead or because he was sleeping with Dahni. BRENNAN: No, it's because...I'm sorry that my friend is upset because someone she loves is missing. ANGELA (Sighing): All right. I can buy that. (They hug.) ANGELA: If you don't mind, um, I'm just gonna head to bed. BRENNAN: Good night. (Cut to: Brennan's office. Booth is standing at her desk. His cell phone rings.) BOOTH (Answering his phone): Okay. Booth. BRENNAN: How far are you from Dulles? BOOTH: As far as your office is from Dulles. BRENNAN: Why are you in my office? BOOTH: I need your findings on the Richmond case. Listen, Zack, he won't tell me where they are unless you give him permission. BRENNAN: There's a 9:15 flight to Denver. Then there's an 11:35 flight to Santa Fe. You'll have to run to make the connection. BOOTH: Forget it. BRENNAN: Booth, please. Angela's boyfriend is missing, maybe dead. It-it took all of my charm- BOOTH (Over Brennan): All of your charm? Oh, boy. BRENNAN (Unfazed): Just to get the sheriff to let me look at the skull. When I asked him to let me send the skull to the Jeffersonian he told me that I am not a cop and that I don't have any jurisdiction. BOOTH: Which is true. Okay, what, what do you want me to do? BRENNAN: I want you to get federal on his ass. BOOTH (Smiling): Oh. (Booth flips shut the phone) (Cut to: Angela's Bungalow, the next morning. Angela walks into the living room, where Brennan sleeps on a fold-out couch. Booth arrives with donuts and coffee.) (Booth chuckles from outside the glass doors. Angela opens the door for him.) BOOTH: Hey. ANGELA: Hey. (They hug.) BOOTH: You know, people in the desert, don't have actual addresses. What's up with that? BRENNAN (Waking up.): Booth, you made it. BOOTH: Yeah, I'm touring the hottest places in the universe. Next stop- (Booth flings a bag onto Brennan's bed) BOOTH: There you go-Hell. BRENNAN (Holding the duffel bag, annoyed): I'm not really awake yet. (Brennan throws the bag out of bed.) BOOTH (Walking toward Brennan with coffee cups in his hands): Last night before I left, I used my F.B.I. powers to force the sheriff to send the skull back to the Jeffersonian. Talked to him this morning. You know, he seems a little resentful. BRENNAN (Reaching for her watch on the end table as Booth puts down a coffee cup): What time is it? BOOTH: Let's go. Drink that on the way. BRENNAN: On the way where? BOOTH: You know, to go check out the model, guide, whatever's place. ANGELA (Nodding): Dahni. Can I come with you? BOOTH: No, no, we can ask tougher questions if you're not there. (Angela nods, disappointed) BRENNAN: Wait outside while I get dressed. BOOTH: No, uh uh. The suns's been up for an hour out there. It's already the surface of Mercury. I can stand here, close my eyes, eat my doughnuts. Best I can do. Okay. (Booth covers his eyes with one hand to demonstrate, then removes it to bite into a donut with his eyes closed.) (Brennan looks to Angela, her irritation obvious.) (Cut to: Brennan and Booth exiting an SUV and walking toward a trailer. BRENNAN: What tougher questions can we ask without Angela being here? BOOTH: Well, you know, things like, did her boyfriend run off with the model, guide, whatever. BRENNAN: Angela and I discussed this. She said it couldn't happen. BOOTH: Okay, no offense to Angela, but she doesn't even really know this guy. She's only with him what, only three weeks out of the year? BRENNAN: No offense to you, but you are a stodgy traditionalist when it comes to relationships, buddy. BOOTH: Stodgy? Stodgy? Okay, okay, here's the deal- BRENNAN: Yes, stodgy. (They arrive at the door of the trailer.) BOOTH: Here's the deal, Bones. We find out that the skull isn't Kirk. We go home. We let the locals handle it, okay? BRENNAN: Of course. (A man approaches quietly from behind Brennan and Booth. He has a rifle trained on them.) BOOTH: You know what? You say "Of course." But then you get all caught up in it. And then- (Brennan sees the man approaching them and taps Booth's shoulder.) BOOTH (Turning): What? Oh. (Booth raises his hands) ALEX JOSEPH: What do you want? BOOTH: F.B.I. We're looking for Dahni Webber. BRENNAN: Who're you? ALEX JOSEPH: I'm the guy holding the big gun. BOOTH: Yeah, on the federal agent, which I've been very nice about so far. BRENNAN: Let's rush him. He can't shoot us both. BOOTH: How about I just show him my badge so we both survive, all right? (Booth holds up his badge) BOOTH: See? ALEX JOSEPH (Squinting to read the badge from his short distance away): Name's Alex Joseph. This is me and Dahni's place. BOOTH: Where's Dahni Webber? ALEX JOSEPH (Lowering the gun): Missing. In the desert for almost a week. I've been looking for her. BRENNAN: You point your gun at everyone who comes by? ALEX JOSEPH: Maybe I'm nervous. BOOTH: Anything in particular you might be nervous about? Maybe something Dahni got caught up in? ALEX JOSEPH: Nothing I can think of. BRENNAN: Can we look in the trailer? ALEX JOSEPH: Not without a warrant. BOOTH: You have a problem with law enforcement? (Alex Joseph walks to the trailer) ALEX JOSEPH: You could say that, I guess. (He flings open the door to the trailer and goes inside, leaving Brennan and Booth in the sun) BRENNAN: Model runs off with a handsome photographer. Jealous boyfriend with a gun finds them in the desert. BOOTH: He's definitely twitchy about somethin'. BRENNAN: What if he's escaping out the back door? BOOTH: You don't spend a lot of time in trailers, do you? No... (Alex Joseph emerges from the trailer, shoves a picture at Booth and slams shut the trailer door.) BOOTH (Glancing at the picture): Whoa. BRENNAN: What? (Booth holds out the picture for Brennan. It's a photo of Dahni Webber and Sheriff Dawes sitting next to each other in a restaurant. The Sheriff's arm is around Dahni's shoulder.) BRENNAN: That's Sheriff Dawes. BOOTH: Yeah, he definitely has a problem with law enforcement. (Brennan and Booth look awed by this revelation.) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Forensics Platform. Hodgins is listening to headphones, examining something under a microscope. Zack enters.) ZACK: Dr. Brennan doesn't like us to listen to music while we're working. HODGINS: Dr. Brennan is not here. ZACK: She thinks the work deserves our full concentration. I need the skull now. HODGINS: Well, I'm still finding particulates. And since you're only Dr. Brennan's assistant without her, you don't carry all that much weight around here. ZACK: I'm telling Dr. Goodman. (Zack leaves. Hodgins grins and turns back to the microscope.) (Cut to: The Sheriff's Office. Brennan and Booth confront Sheriff Dawes.) BRENNAN (Sliding the photo across the sheriff's desk): Why didn't you mention your relationship to Dahni Webber? BOOTH: Dahni Webber drop you for the photographer, the Indian guy, or both? SHERIFF DAWES: Moron. Dahni's my sister. Half-sister. Mostly, I raised her. You can check with Angie. BOOTH: Okay, we got that one wrong. I pretty much don't like the look of your sister's boyfriend, Alex Joseph. SHERIFF DAWES: Assault, narcotics. He bootlegs for the reservation. Yeah. Dahni could do better. BOOTH: Any chance that Dahni got caught up in something ugly because of him? SHERIFF DAWES: Until I find out otherwise, I'm assuming that Dahni and Kirk are lost in the desert. BOOTH: Alex Joseph, is he bad enough to hurt 'em if he finds them out in the desert together? SHERIFF DAWES: It's on my list of nightmares, yeah. (Brennan's cell phone rings.) BRENNAN (Into the phone): Brennan. HODGINS: DNA results are in. The skull is definitely Kirk Persinger. BRENNAN: Poor Angela. HODGINS: Also, the hair tests off the charts for lophophora williamsii derived mescaline. BRENNAN: What's that? ZACK: Peyote. BRENNAN: Anything on the cranial scoring? ZACK: I haven't really had a good crack at the skull yet. Hodgins hogged it. The markings trace to several desert-dwelling species. It seems a full-grown male coyote did the most work on it, but one with a malformed jaw. Very unusual bite formations. BRENNAN: Okay, ask Dr. Goodman to find a naturalist. (Brennan clicks off the phone.) BOOTH: Kirk Persinger? BRENNAN: Yes. They found traces of peyote. BOOTH: Drug-related. Shot to the spine, execution-style. So, Sheriff, do you still think this is a simple missing persons case? (Sheriff Dawes look at the photo of himself and Dahni) BRENNAN (to Booth): I have to tell Angela. BOOTH: Listen, Sheriff, I'm sorry for the concern you must be feeling for your sister. SHERIFF DAWES: Yeah. (Cut to: A desert road - in Booth's SUV.) BOOTH: I will call the F.B.I. office in Albuquerque and I will officially take over the investigation. BRENNAN: I wouldn't do that. BOOTH: Why? BRENNAN: Desert dwellers are very insular. Mongolians, Bedouins of the Sahara, the Himloa of Kanana. Good hosts, but extremely distrustful of outsiders. BOOTH: Bones, this is the United State of America. It's not Outer Mongolia. BRENNAN: The only reason Sheriff Dawes talks to us at all is because we know Angela. Alex Joseph held a gun on us. BOOTH: I admit I've met friendlier people. BRENNAN: If a bunch of outsiders come in from Albuquerque, led by an outsider from D.C. I promise you, the people here will close ranks and shut up until we go away. Then they'll take care of it in their own way. BOOTH: Okay, who are you, Dr. Phil? BRENNAN: Who's Dr. Phil? Some kind of expert? BOOTH: He likes to think so. Okay, look. I'll take what you say under advisement. In the meantime, we need to go find out who supplied Kirk with his peyote. BRENNAN: Well, how are we gonna do that? BOOTH: Talk to his girlfriend. (Cut to: Angela's Bungalow. Angela is sitting, stunned, on the couch with Brennan next to her. Booth is across the room.) BRENNAN: I'm so sorry, Angela. We both are. ANGELA: I knew it was Kirk. That's why I called you. We have to find out what happened to Dahni. BOOTH: Angela, I'm going to have to ask you a couple of difficult questions. Okay? (Angela nods.) BOOTH: What-what can you tell me about Kirk's drug use? ANGELA: Kirk didn't do drugs. BRENNAN: Well, Hodgins found peyote in his hair. ANGELA: I though-I thought that you meant "drug" drugs. The peyote wasn't recreational. Kirk took part in some Native Indian rites. BOOTH: While high on drugs? (Angela sighs.) BOOTH: Did you do peyote with Kirk? ANGELA: The peyote has nothing to do with anything. BOOTH: Angela, you may have come into contact with Kirk's killer without even realizing it. What was his connection? ANGELA (Shrugging): He's Kirk's friend. BOOTH: I need the name. ANGELA: Wayne. Wayne Kellogg. He's an important local artist. (Brennan grabs Angela's hand. Angela rests her head on Brennan's shoulder.) (Cut to: Wayne Kellogg's home. Brennan, Booth and Kellogg walk from his backyard into the house.) KELLOGG: I don't deny having participated in the peyote ritual on several occasions. Utterly spiritual experience. BRENNAN: You're not Indian. KELLOGG: Not by birth, no. But as you can see from my artwork, I have a deep spiritual connection to the Navajo. BRENNAN: You sell a lot of your work? KELLOGG: I sell very well overseas, enough to keep this place and a beach house in Los Angeles. Why? BRENNAN: Why not buy Navajo art created by actual Navajos? BOOTH: Peyote is only legal if you're a member of the Native American Church, which means you and Kirk bought it illegally. Buying illegal drugs involves drug dealers. I mean, you can follow my train of thought here, can't you? KELLOGG: Look, I realize Kirk's missing. BOOTH: Kirk's not missing. BRENNAN: He's dead. KELLOGG: What about Dahni? BOOTH: Dahni Webber remains unaccounted for. KELLOGG: God, this is terrible. BOOTH: I need the name of your drug connection. KELLOG: No. I'm sorry. These people trust me. I understand the difficulty in finding the peyote plants miles out in the desert. Secret places passed on from generation to generation. BRENNAN (pointing out of the window to the driveway): Mr. Kellogg, is that your vehicle? KELLOGG: Yes, why? BRENNAN: Alex Joseph borrowed that Humvee. BOOTH: Wait, Alex Joseph didn't go out to the desert to look for Dahni Webber. He went out to look for peyote. WAYNE KELLOGG: I never said that. (Cut to: A desert road - in Booth's SUV.) (Cut to: Outside of Alex Joseph's trailer.) (Booth knocks on the trailer door. There's no answer.) BOOTH: Mr. Joseph? It's the F.B.I. again. I'd like to ask you a few more questions. (The sound of coughing can be heard from behind the trailer) BRENNAN: Booth? Booth? (They walk to the other side of the trailer to find Alex Joseph sprawled on the ground. He's been beaten up.) ACT II (Cut to: The Sheriff's Office - Brennan, Booth and the Sheriff discuss recent events.) BOOTH: Oh, come on Sheriff. Come on. Even out here, you know how the drug world works, huh? Kirk is found dead. Joseph is beaten to a pulp. It's all connected. SHERIFF DAWES: My first priority is to find Dahni. BRENNAN: We find Kirk's murderer, we probably find Dahni. BOOTH: Maybe Dahni is the murderer. (The sheriff glares at him sharply.) BOOTH: What? I gotta ask. SHERIFF DAWES: Dahni never hurt anybody in her life, except maybe herself. BOOTH: You know, another thing I have to consider, maybe Dahni, you know, calls up her brother the sheriff and says, you know, "This photographer raped me. What do I do now?" SHERIFF DAWES: What you're proving right now...you don't know anything about the people that live around here. BOOTH: Mmhmm. Joseph met us with a rifle, maybe because he was afraid it was you coming around the corner of that house. SHERIFF DAWES: Alex Joseph is unconscious. You maybe can talk to him when he wakes up. Me, I'm goin' to help the search parties find my sister. (Cut to: The Jeffersonian. Dr. Goodman and Professor Inez reports to Brennan and Booth, in Angela's Bungalow, via laptop.) PROFESSOR INEZ: Thanks to Fish and Wildlife, most of the coyote packs in this region have at least one member wearing a G.P.S. collar. BOOTH: You can find one coyote with a wonky jaw in the desert? PROFESSOR INEZ (Scanning through photos of coyotes from the desert region): What we do here is process information from rangers, amateur naturalists, conservationists, even school groups. The desert coyote pack's range is not huge. Perhaps ten square miles. The pack is typically three to eight animals led by the alpha mating pair. Wow. BOOTH: What "wow?" GOODMAN: Professor Inez has found your coyote, but he's way out in the desert. PROFESSOR INEZ: Three pups, three females, two males, including the leader with the wonky jaw. BOOTH: With eight coyotes going at a cadaver well, you know, we're talking needle in a haystack, finding the remains. PROFESSOR INEZ: Mamas and the pups feed together. So, I'd expect rib cage and smaller bones to be in a concentrated area. But the males move away from each other with the larger pieces. No more than a half a mile. (Cut to: Angela's Bungalow. Angela and Brennan have a heart-to-heart.) ANGELA: Three weeks a year. I mean, fifteen weeks in total. You think that's crazy. BRENNAN: No. It's not typical, that's for sure. And if he was yours, 100% yours for three weeks a year, that's, that's more than I've ever had. ANGELA: Kirk's photographs show the world is a more beautiful place than it is. A better place. He made me feel like it was my real home, that I belonged there with him. He's the guy I compare all other guys to. Now he's gone and I feel like I can't even breathe, sweetie. I can't even take a breath. You think it's possible that Dahni's still out there? Could she still be alive? BRENNAN: I don't know. There's no crime scene and we're not even sure where the rest of Kirk's remains are. ANGELA: Well, I wanna help you look for her tomorrow. BRENNAN: You sure? ANGELA: Yeah: Dahni was our friend. I have to help find her. Please. (Cut to: The desert. Searchers mill about, Angela and take a break.) ANGELA: I love the desert. Or I used to. BRENNAN: Nothing looks the way it should. Stuff that's far away looks near, stuff that's near looks far away. ANGELA: Yeah, well, you can't trust you eyes out here. Not your eyes alone. You know, Kirk said that if you stood still long enough, that the desert would actually speak to you. Show you some kind of truth. BRENNAN: That ever happen to you? ANGELA: No. But, he really believed that. (Cut to: The desert. Booth and Sheriff Dawes sitting on a rock next to Angela and Brennan.) SHERIFF DAWES: Alex Joseph woke up. BOOTH: Good. SHERIFF DAWES: You think that whoever beat him up has something to do with Kirk Persinger's murder. BOOTH: Yep. SHERIFF DAWES: Nope. BOOTH: How can you be so sure? (Sheriff Dawes looks away.) BOOTH: You were the one that beat him up? SHERIFF DAWES: No. BOOTH: Okay, well, uh, do you know who did? SHERIFF DAWES (nodding to the Navajo members of the search team): These guys. Or guys just like 'em. BOOTH: Why? SHERIFF DAWES: Peyote ritual. These people take it seriously. It's their religion. A guy like Alex Joseph starts selling it to white guys like Kellogg and Kirk, they don't like it. BOOTH: Aren't you gonna arrest any of 'em? SHERIFF DAWES: No. But I might deputize a couple. BOOTH: You know, Sheriff, I get how you people handle things out here. But, I mean, I gotta ask you, if they beat up an Indian for selling peyote, what the hell are they gonna do to Kirk for taking it? SHERIFF DAWES: Nothin'. Kirk's a white man. The way they see it, he's my responsibility. MAN (Searching offscreen, calling out): Hey! We got something over here! Sheriff Dawes! MAN #2 (In the background): Neal, bring it deep over here. (Brennan, Booth, and Sheriff Dawes walk toward the Navajo who yelled out.) (Angela stands on a rock and looks away from the search party, across the desert to see an object glinting in the sunlight. She walks toward it. Brennan walks up to her as she arrives at the source of the shining object.) BRENNAN (Pointing in the direction she came from): Ange, they found some bones over here. It might be Kirk. ANGELA: It is Kirk. This is his camera. BRENNAN: Are you sure? (Brennan walks toward the camera, Angela stops her.) ANGELA: No, no, no. Don't. Don't. There could be exposed film in there. (She kneels at the camera and begins wrapping it in her scarf.) ANGELA: It's crack. We can't let anymore light in. It'll damage the film. BRENNAN: Maybe Kirk was right. This could be a good way for the desert to tell us what happened to him. A photograph of his murderer. [SCENE_BREAK] ACT III (Cut to: The Sheriff's Office - Angela, Brennan, Booth and Sheriff Dawes walking in.) SHERIFF DAWES: This camera is going straight to the state police crime lab. BRENNAN: Angela is better at developing film than anyone in Santa Fe. ANGELA: Plus, I can use Kirk's equipment. It's top of the line. BOOTH: Yeah, and we won't have to wait for the results, Sheriff. BRENNAN: With you sister maybe still alive out there in the desert, every hour counts. SHERIFF DAWES: Can't do it. ANGELA (Whispering): Booth. BOOTH: You know, according to Homeland Security, Kellogg sold exactly $120,000 dollars worth of art overseas. BRENNAN: What's that got to do with anything? BOOTH: Well, it sure as hell doesn't buy him a beach house in Los Angeles, now does it? He lied. Let's go check him out. BRENNAN: What will we be looking for? (Brennan and Booth start to move out of the room.) BOOTH: Oh, what we always look for. You know, something that doesn't fit. Something, you know. Somethin'. (Booth closes the door to the Sheriff's office behind him.) ANGELA: I can't believe that you think that I'm a suspect. SHERIFF DAWES: Angie, not to speak ill of the dead, but, uh, a woman like you, you're worth more than three weeks a year, you understand? ANGELA: You think I murdered Kirk because he didn't give me enough time? SHERIFF DAWES: I'm just a lawman. People are people. ANGELA: Ben, Kirk wasn't the one who put limits on our time together. He wanted me to marry him, and he deserved more and better. Please. Ben, I wanna help find Dahni. And there could be evidence on this film. Just let me do what I do better than anybody else. (After a moment, Sheriff Dawes pushes the camera case toward Angela.) ANGELA: Thank you. (Angela takes the case off the counter and turns to leave.) SHERIFF DAWES: Angie, maybe he deserved more, not my place to say, but he couldn't have done better. No man could. (Angela smiles slightly and heads for the exit.) (Cut to: Wayne Kellogg's home. Brennan and Booth question Kellog.) KELLOGG: I haven't attained anything like the success Kirk has, but I do all right. Why? BRENNAN: You have a beach house. BOOTH: I applied for a warrant. Checked for your assets, your tax returns. KELLOGG: I told you, I do well in Europe. Germany especially appreciated Native-themed work. BRENNAN: Kirk Persinger's remains were found way out in the desert. KELLOGG: What's that got to do with me? BOOTH: Oh, because you have a vehicle that's capable of going out that far. KELLOGG: A vehicle I often loan out. BRENNAN (Examining something on one of Kellogg's shelves): What are these? KELLOGG: Engraving plates. Please don't touch them. The oils on your skin will compromise the integrity. Why would I kill Kirk? (Brennan secretly takes her camera out of her pocket to snap a photo of the engraving plates.) BOOTH: Maybe because, you know, you had a little thing, you know, for Dahni. Or maybe because you were jealous of Kirk's artistic success. BRENNAN: These aren't Native designs. BOOTH: Bones, I'm working a line of inquiry here. BRENNAN: All of your work is stolen from Native designs. These are floral. It doesn't fit. KELLOGG: Not stolen. Inspired by. And that piece is commissioned. Another way I make money. (Brennan sends the picture of the plates' design through her cell phone.) (Brennan's phone rings. Brennan picks it up.) BRENNAN: Hi, Angela. ANGELA: Well, most of the film was wrecked, but I developed a few usable images. BRENNAN: Well, that's great. ANGELA: No, no, because Ben got me to make a couple of prints and then he bolted with them and all the negatives. BRENNAN (to Booth): Sheriff Dawes took off with the negatives. BOOTH: What'd she find off of 'em. BRENNAN (Into the phone): Did you recognize anything? ANGELA: Dahni, in the desert. And that's all. I have no idea what he got so excited about. BRENNAN (To Booth.): Nothing that meant anything to Angela. BOOTH: All right, we'll go take a look for ourselves. Talk to you again. (Brennan and Booth leave Kellogg's home.) (Cut to: The sheriff's office - Brennan, and Booth are there with Sheriff Dawes.) SHERIFF DAWES (Looking Kirk's last photographs): I wanted to show these to Alex Joseph. I don't need your permission. BOOTH: Well, why Joseph? BRENNAN: Angela says there are only a few partial photos of your sister in the desert. SHERIFF DAWES: That's right. The only person who knows the desert as good as Dahni is Joseph. This formation here, I'm not familiar with it. (Sheriff Dawes hands Brennan a photo of Dahni standing in front of a large rock formation.) BRENNAN: There's nothing like this anywhere near where we found Kirk's remains, or the camera. BOOTH: Nah, he was killed somewhere else and moved. SHERIFF DAWES: We find that outcropping, maybe we find the place where Kirk was killed and maybe we find my sister. BRENNAN: Did Joseph recognize the rock? SHERIFF DAWES: Yeah. BOOTH: Where? SHERIFF DAWES: It's easier I take you than explain. BOOTH: Whoa, whoa. If Joseph is a murderer, he's just sending you on a wild goose chase. SHERIFF DAWES: Well, then we know he's a murderer and all we've wasted is a tank of gas and a goose chase. BRENNAN: How far out are we going? SHERIFF DAWES: A ways. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Forensics Platform. Zack, Hodgins, and Dr. Goodman look at Kirk's remains.) ZACK: One week in the desert and there's nothing but bone left. HODGINS: Same guy? ZACK: Looks like it. HODGINS: Uh, I think it would be better if I went over the bones for particulates before you start your thing. ZACK: I disagree. And you can't have them unless I release them to you. HODGINS (To Dr. Goodman): You're gonna have to do the boss thing, boss. ZACK: Sir, Dr. Brennan needs to know how this man died, which is my territory, more than when and where he died. GOODMAN: Dr. Hodgins? HODGINS: Even I can see he got shot in the back of the head. What Dr. Brennan needs is the murder scene. ZACK: It's the desert. Insects and particulates aren't going to narrow it down anymore than that. HODGINS: We won't know that until I look at the particulates. (Zack and Hodgins turn to Dr. Goodman.) GOODMAN: Dr. Hodgins will have access to the bones first, Mr. Addy. (Goodman turns and leaves.) ZACK: That's the wrong decision. (Zack leaves. Hodgins grins slightly.) (Cut to: The desert - in the Sheriff's 4x4. Sheriff Dawes drives Angela, Brennan and Booth toward the rock formation in the photo.) BRENNAN: My lungs are gonna come out through my throat. BOOTH: You know, where I come from when you say you're driving a ways, you know, it means 45 minutes. ANGELA: Out here it means four hours. BRENNAN: We've been driving five. SHERIFF DAWES: I maybe should've said "quite a ways." ANGELA: There it is. (The Sheriff pulls the 4x4 to a stop and the team disembarks to see the huge rock formation) BOOTH: Well? That it? ANGELA: Yeah, I think so. Different time of day. SHERIFF DAWES: You people look for the exact spot the pictures were taken. I'm gonna take another circle in the truck. BRENNAN: You looking for your sister? SHERIFF DAWES: Yeah. (Sheriff Dawes walks away.) ANGELA: You know, I think we wanna go south slightly, maybe southwest. (The 4x4's engine revs offscreen) BRENNAN: You can tell by the shadows? ANGELA: Yeah, and the angle on the outcropping. (The Sheriff pulls the 4x4 away from the goup.) BOOTH: Where's he goin'? BRENNAN: He's looking for his sister. BOOTH: Either of you two bring any water? (They check their bags and come up with small plastic bottles and wave them at Booth.) BRENNAN: Why? You worried? BOOTH: Yeah. ANGELA: About what? BRENNAN: Because we are way past where Jesus lost his sandals. BOOTH: And I don't hear the truck anymore. Great. ACT IV (Cut to: Angela, Brennan, and Booth walking through the desert.) BRENNAN (Holding her cell phone in the air): No cell phone service, no water. How long do you think we'll survive out here if the sheriff doesn't come back? BOOTH: Three days max. ANGELA: How far are we from the highway? BOOTH: Five days minimum. BRENNAN: I don't like that math. ANGELA: Wait a second. (Angela has spotted a broken down SUV amongst the high desert weeds.) BOOTH: Kirk's? ANGELA: It looks like it, yeah. (Approaches the SUV and lifts the hood.) BOOTH (Looking at the engine.) Yep, the distributor's smashed. All the wires are pulled out. BRENNAN: It doesn't make sense that the sheriff brings us to the scene of the crime and then leaves us to die, does it? BOOTH: One godforsaken part of the desert, is just as good as another godforsaken part of the desert. We don't even know if Sheriff Dawes actually called Alex Joseph. I mean, for all we know, he could have done all this himself. BRENNAN: Could Dawes do that, Ange? ANGELA: Well, I always thought Ben Dawes was a good man. It would take a lot to change my mind. BRENNAN: Like being left to die in the desert? BOOTH: These tracks here, they don't match the sheriff's vehicle. Too wide. BRENNAN: Humvee maybe? (Brennan moves away from the group having spotted something.) BRENNAN: This is blood, I think. (She points to a boulder smeared with red.) BRENNAN (Pointing.): The victim was kneeling here. (Angela looks ill.) BOOTH: Bones. BRENNAN: Sorry. BRENNAN (Whispering to Booth, and walking): He was dragged this way. Then the blood trail ends. BOOTH: He was thrown into the Humvee. BRENNAN: We've gotta be 200 miles from where we found Kirk's bones. You think the murderer drove that far to drop the body. (Booth starts running.) BRENNAN: Where are you going? Booth? Hey- (Brennan follows him.) (Cut to: Another area of the desert: a landing strip.) BOOTH (Pointing): The tracks stop right here. BRENNAN: What "here?" There's not "here" here. BOOTH: Landing strip, huh? I knew this was about drugs. Mexico's about 80 miles that way. (Booth points down the landing strip.) BOOTH: They just- (A car horn beeps. Sheriff Dawes pulls up his truck. Angela is in the front passenger seat. BOOTH: Oh! Yes! BRENNAN: Only Angela could get a ride in the middle of nowhere. (Angela and Sheriff Dawes exit the car.) BOOTH: Any signs of your sister? SHERIFF DAWES: She's been out there a week. She could still be alive if she had a few canteens of water. BOOTH (Indicating the ground): Humvee tracks, Sheriff. SHERIFF DAWES: Alex Joseph? BRENNAN: Catches Kirk and Dahni out here- SHERIFF DAWES (Into his police radio): Sandy, this is Dawes, do you receive me? SANDY: Loud and clear on the satellite, Sheriff. Where are you? SHERIFF DAWES: Hell and gone. Listen, Sandy, I need a deputy down at the clinic to slap some cuffs on Alex Joseph. SANDY: Alex Joseph took off, Sheriff. We got no idea where he went. BOOTH: Kellogg's Humvee. SHERIFF DAWES: Sandy, go collect Wayne Kellogg's Humvee and we'll see you in a few hours. (Cut to: The sheriff's office. Sheriff's deputies are performing a Luminal test on Kellogg's Humvee. Brennan and Booth observe.) BRENNAN: Any bloodstains should flare bluish-green when the luminal hits them. (A deputy sprays the with no result.) SHERIFF DAWES: Nothin'. BOOTH: Well, we know that Kirk's body was put into the Humvee. Tire treads match. SHERIFF DAWES: It's clean. Give Kellogg his truck back. Tell him sorry for the inconvenience. BOOTH: Try the hood. SHERIFF DAWES: You think they tied Kirk's bloody, dead body to the hood like an elk then drove him 200 miles before dumping him for coyotes? Even out here people might notice. BOOTH (Beaming his flashlight onto the hood of the Humvee): Right there. (The deputy sprays the luminal revealing a flash the outline of a body.) BOOTH: Mmhmm. SHERIFF DAWES: I'll be damned. BOOTH: Got him. (Brennan dials her cell phone.) BRENNAN: Zack. ZACK: Yes, Dr. Brennan? BRENNAN: We need to know if Kirk's bones show more damage than can be explained by animal activity. ZACK: Preliminary analysis indicates the pubic rami are fractured and the left hemi pelvis is severely displaced. BRENNAN: Congruent with a fall? ZACK: Yes, Dr. Brennan. Were the remains found at the base of a cliff? BRENNAN (To Booth): He wasn't driven 200 miles. He was driven a couple hundred yards. BOOTH: Load his body in the airplane then tossed it. BRENNAN: Zack, I'm not happy with how long it took you to get back to me on this. We'll talk about it when I get back. (Cut to: The Jeffersonian. Zack on the phone with Brennan, Hodgins will enter.) ZACK: Sorry, Dr. Brennan. HODGINS (From the doorway): You could've told her it wasn't your fault. ZACK: I still have some work to do here. (Cut to: The Sheriff's Office. Sheriff Dawes, Brennan and Booth are walking.) SHERIFF DAWES: If they dumped Kirk's body from the plane then they could've done the dame to Dahni. BOOTH: Well, Kirk was dead when they tossed him, right? BRENNAN: Absolutely. And I saw no evidence of a second murder at the site. SHERIFF DAWES: Which leaves me hoping that either my sister was kidnapped by drug dealers or dying somewhere in the desert. BOOTH: Well, kidnapping is a federal offense. It's an F.B.I. matter- (Brennan's cell phone rings.) BOOTH (To Sheriff Dawes): I can help ya, if you want. BRENNAN (Into her cell phone): Brennan. GOODMAN: Dr. Brennan, those cellphone photos you sent me of engravings- BRENNAN: Kellogg said it was a commissioned work. GOODMAN: I think these are engraver's plates. BRENNAN: For what? GOODMAN: Currency. To be exact I believe these are dyes for the Venezuelan 500-bolivar bill. BRENNAN: Dyes? Counterfeiter's dyes? GOODMAN: Yes. BOOTH: Did you say counterfeiters? (Cut to: The Sheriff's Office. Wayne Kellogg and his attorney are there with Brennan, Booth and Sheriff Dawes) BOOTH: Yeah, I got a warrant here to search your client's studio for engraving plates. LARRY STANSFIELD: Well, as Mr. Kellogg's attorney, I can advise you you're certain to find some. KELLOGG: I'm an engraver. SHERIFF DAWES: Larry, did you tell Wayne about how when someone dies during the commission of a felony, everyone involved in that felony is charged with murder? BOOTH: Counterfeiting is a felony. (Stansfield and Kellogg exchange quick glances.) LARRY STANSFIELD: My client will confess to the counterfeiting charges in return for immunity from the murder charge. SHERIFF DAWES: Not good enough. LARRY STANSFIELD: He will also provide the time and place of the next pickup out in the desert. You'll be able to arrest the actual murderers. BOOTH: When Sheriff Dawes says "Not good enough," he means his sister, Larry. LARRY STANSFIELD: My client doesn't know anything about Dahni Webber. BRENNAN: What does he know? KELLOGG: One week ago, I arranged to meet some associates at an airstrip in the desert to pass on some commissioned artwork. BRENNAN: He means counterfeit plates. KELLOGG: As the plane landed, my associates noticed two people spying on them from a vantage point above the airstrip. They became very agitated. They commandeered my vehicle and they drove up the hill. I got in my Humvee. Then I drove up there. But I didn't see anything. BRENNAN: Like blood on the hood of your vehicle? LARRY STANSFIELD (Standing): Well, the fact remains that agreeing to this deal is the only way that you're going to catch the actual murderers. You know where to find me. (Sheriff Dawes stands to get closer to the standing Wayne Kellogg.) SHERIFF DAWES: Wayne, I need to know if they loaded Dahni on that plane. KELLOGG: I never saw Dahni. (Sheriff Dawes grabs Kellogg by the collar and pushes him against the wall, holding him there) BOOTH (Jumps from his seat and moves over to the sheriff): Sheriff! SHERIFF DAWES: That's my sister. My sister! LARRY STANSFIELD (Pats Sheriff Dawes on the shoulder): I am truly sorry about Dahni, Ben. Truly sorry. But I don't think Wayne knows anything. (Sheriff Dawes lets go of Kellogg and backs away.) BOOTH: Come on, Dawes. Easy. Come on. (Kellogg and Larry Stansfield leave the sheriff's office.) (Sheriff Dawes sits down, breathing heavily.) SHERIFF DAWES: I guess we're gonna have to take that deal, right? BOOTH: I was trained as an army ranger. That mean anything to you, Sheriff Dawes? SHERIFF DAWES: Yeah. BOOTH: I'd be more than happy to go back out to that crime scene and see if there's anything we haven't missed. SHERIFF DAWES: Appreciate it. (Cut to: The Jeffersonian. Dr. Goodman and Zack walk and talk.) GOODMAN: If you expect to win arguments around here, you'll need at least one doctorate. ZACK: I am Dr, Brennan's grad student. GOODMAN: I'm aware. ZACK: Once I get my doctorate, she will take on another grad student. My job here will go to that person. GOODMAN: You have a first-rate mind, Mr. Addy. You can't assist Dr. Brennan forever. (Zack looks crushed as he turns to walk away. Hodgins enters.) HODGINS: I really hope this is necessary. GOODMAN: He's comfortable here. He's enamored with Dr. Brennan and he's stopped working on his thesis. It's necessary. HODGINS: It's just...I like the guy. GOODMAN: So do I, which is why we must think of what's best for him. It's time for Mr. Addy to grow up. (Cut to: The desert. Angela, Brennan, Booth, and Sheriff Dawes resume the search for Dahni.) BOOTH: So you say Dahni knows the desert pretty well? SHERIFF DAWES: That's right. BRENNAN: If it were you here stranded, where would you go? SHERIFF DAWES (Pointing): Highway's about a five-day walk that way. (Sheriff Dawes points in another direction) SHERIFF DAWES: Mexico's three days that way. (He changes direction again) SHERIFF DAWES: And that way's two days to a ranch. She might find some stock water, but I wouldn't count on it. And the terrain is rougher. BOOTH: So it all depends on how much water she had. ANGELA: Is there any way to know? (Sheriff Dawes shakes his head) BOOTH: All right, look. We'll all take a point off this compass, all right? Walk out in a straight line for 15 minutes, we look for tracks. Good? (The group separates, each heading in a different direction.) (Angela is emotional and stops walking, confronted by the wide expanse of the desert. She sees an apparition of Dahni walking past her into a rocky area.) (Brennan approaches Angela, whose eyes are closed.) BRENNAN: You all right? ANGELA (Pointing in the direction the vision of Dahni went): Dahni went that way. BRENNAN (Concerned.): Okay. (Cut to: A rocky area of the desert. Sheriff Dawes, Booth and rescue personnel located Dahni amongst the rocks. The sheriff holds his sister and gives her water, relief and worry washed over his face.) (Cut to: Angela's Bungalow. Angela looks at pictures of herself and Kirk. Brennan enters.) BRENNAN: Ready to go home? ANGELA: Yeah. (Brennan sits on the couch next to Angela.) BRENNAN: You're not coming back again, are you? ANGELA: No. Never. He loved me. BRENNAN: For three weeks a year. ANGELA (Breaking.): No. He loved me all the time. I was the one who could only manage three weeks a year. I'm afraid that I-I'm just afraid that I don't have a generous heart. I'm afraid that I won't have the chance that I had with Kirk ever again. BRENNAN: You will. ANGELA: How can you be so sure? BRENNAN: Because nothing in this universe happens just once, Angela. Nothing. Infinity goes in both directions. There is no unique event, no singular moment. ANGELA (Shrugs and laughs.): I don't know what that means. BRENNAN: It means you will get another chance. ANGELA: You promise? (Brennan lightly nods.) ANGELA: From your heart? BRENNAN: Better. From my head. And yes, Ange. I promise- (They hug.) BRENNAN: From my heart. You will get another chance. (Booth enters.) BOOTH: Well, Dawes and his deputies, they caught the counterfeiters. Dahni gave a statement saying that it was Kellogg who pulled the trigger on Kirk. Dahni knows that you saved her life. You pointed that helicopter in the right direction. BRENNAN: Obviously, you subconsciously sifted through the rational facts of the case and processed the most likely scenario. ANGELA (Nodding.): I'm sure that's it. BOOTH: Yeah, what else could it be? ANGELA: Well it's the only rational explanation. BRENNAN: Are you guys making fun of me? BOOTH: You know, let's go back home, where there's water, shelter, and living things. Come on! (Brennan follows Booth out of the bungalow, leaving Angela to make her peace with her vacation home. She gives it a quick glance and follows Brennan, never to return again.)	Plan: A: Angela; Q: Who is on vacation in the desert and wants Brennan to help identify a skull? A: her boyfriend; Q: Who is Kirk? A: Kirk; Q: Who is the victim of the murder? A: a photo shoot; Q: What did Kirk leave on? A: several days; Q: How long has Kirk been missing? A: the lab; Q: Where is the skull sent to? A: a gunshot wound; Q: What did Kirk die of? A: his hair; Q: Where did Kirk's skull have traces of peyote? A: Booth; Q: Who thinks Kirk's death is drug-related? A: the murder; Q: What does Booth think is drug-related? A: the investigation; Q: What leads them to a counterfeiting ring in the middle of the desert? Summary: While on vacation in the desert, Angela contacts Brennan to ask for her help in identifying a skull - she's afraid it's her boyfriend, Kirk, who left on a photo shoot and has been missing for several days. The skull is sent to the lab, where Zack and Hodgins confirm that the victim died of a gunshot wound, had traces of peyote in his hair, and, sadly, is Kirk. Booth thinks the murder is drug-related, but the investigation leads them to a counterfeiting ring in the middle of the desert.
Barry: I need an hour with Sheik Rashid. John: So, you want to use Sheik Rashid to do an end run around Ihab? Does your brother even know you're here? Sheik Rashid: You understand our precautions? Yesterday you were my enemy. But today you are my guest. Jamal: He is meeting Ihab Rashid on my orders. Tariq: Bassam's been nowhere near Ihab in the last 24 hours. Jamal: That is wrong. Leila: We could try again, that's all. Jamal: We try and I fail... I will feel worse. Change the subject. I trusted you; You are my blood and you betrayed me. John: Uh... you need to see something. (Smacks lips) Sheik Rashid: I demand to sit down with President Jamal Al Fayeed! Jamal: He demands? Barry: Jamal. You can end this... Without firing a shot. This is what you wanted. (Audience cheering over TV) Jamal: Is it? General, tell your men to stand down. Tariq: But, Mr. President? Jamal: You lied to me. Barry: Failed to inform you of my every move, yes. Jamal: No, you didn't fail to inform, you lied, and right now you are lying again to me. For God's sake, I'm your brother. Your blood. Barry: Jamal, can't we just talk about the result? It's the result that ultimately matters. Jamal: Why do you want to talk about the result? (Barry sighs) The result sickens me. You were supposed to offer one tribal monkey the opportunity to talk to me, and instead tribal monkey's father demands to talk to me. (Sighs) I'm not a fool. But you are making me look like a fool. Barry: You won't look like a fool. Yes, it-it would have been nice if things had happened the way we wanted, but the net-net is the same. The President of Abbudin is sitting down with the legendary patriarch of the opposition. Do you have any how huge that is? How great that is? Jamal: Yeah, for him. Commentator: Meanwhile, in the country of Abbudin... Citizens continue to overrun founder's Plaza with calls for everything from students' rights to the complete overthrow of the ruling Al Fayeed family. The elderly Sheik Rashid continues to attract enormous crowds. Today's estimates placed the number at upwards of 15,000. Up significantly from yesterday's 12,000. Barry: This makes no sense. We have a wonderfully elegant way out of this. Jamal: Yes. We simply bend over and try not to think about what is happening. Barry: You just offered the Sheik the same package you offered Ihab three days ago. Jamal, these are your deal points. Jamal: Why doesn't it rain? Anything, something to drive the people out of the Plaza. Barry: Hey, you know what? I'm gonna call Tariq. They have a mole in the Rashid camp; Maybe they can tell us what it is he's looking for. Jamal (Laughs): Yes, it's a good idea. Tariq only wants to be of help. He's a big fan of the Sheik. Barry (Laughs): Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Well, what about Ziad? Maybe if he got some presidential love, he'd be willing to play ball. My point is, I'm gonna try and have all of the deal points locked down before you even walk into the room, okay? So, just, just sit with him; that's all you have to do. In return, he'll tell everyone in the Plaza to go home, that they're part of the process now. And do you know who's gonna get the credit? You will, President Jamal Al Fayeed, for being willing to sit down with him and for being willing to listen. Jamal (Sighs): Bargaining with sheep herders. Barry: Look... I know it's hard, but sometimes you have to give something to get something, and I think what we get is huge. Please, just... Just sit with the man. (Jamal sighs) It'll be you, me and Yussef. We'll do it in the council chambers and I've told them they can bring two delegates if they want to. (Jamal grunts) Jamal: And... What if I don't like what he has to say? Barry: It's not an issue. If he asks for anything that you're not prepared to give, you just say, "let me take that under advisement." Jamal: Nice one. Let me... let me take that under advisement. Let me... let me... Let me take that under advisement. (Groans) (Laughs) Leila: If someone would have told me that the first visitor I'd be receiving in my capacity as first lady would be the sworn enemy of your father, I would have roared with laughter. (Jamal smacks lips) Jamal: The Sheik is going to clear the Plaza. Leila: He is going to clear the Plaza? It's not his Plaza, it's not his country. Why are you so frightened of him? Jamal: Frightened? Do I look like a frightened person? (Sighs): You are naive. You have some idea in your mind, that all a person has to do is mow down his enemies, that that is all there is to being a leader. Call your cousin in Egypt. It's not so simple anymore. Everybody has a camera, everybody's on YouTube. You just be sure... You just be sure... That you smile when he walks through the door. You are welcome. (Sighs) Molly: I'm proud of you, by the way. Barry: Proud of a grown doctor who can't tie his own tie? Molly (Laughs): Proud of you for getting people who thought they'd never be in the same country together, much less the same room... To talk about how they can move forward. Barry: Well, tell me that at the end of the day when it's actually happened. I keep feeling we're about an inch from this whole thing falling apart. (Sighs) (Sirens wailing) (Sheik Rashid coughs) (Sheik Rashid clears throat) Sheik Rashid: Are you certain you can do this? Everything that's happening here is ultimately for you. For your brothers. For your children. I'm an old man, I am not long for this world. I only ask you show the President the same respect he's showing us by inviting us here. Ihab: He didn't invite us. You demanded an audience, shamed him into it. Sheik Rashid: I took the same invitation he offered you and turned it into a demand. The point is, we are now facing our enemy across a table instead of a battlefield. And the world thinks it was our doing. Now we must present ourselves accordingly. As statesmen, as civilized human beings. No bombast, no fire, just an eagerness to get things done. Can you help me? [SCENE_BREAK] (Sheik Rashid coughing) Walid: Sheik. Come. (Cameras shuttering) Sheik Rashid: Walid. Walid: Yes, my brother. Sheik Rashid: I know you wanted to accompany me here today and now you have. The pictures have been taken. Now get back in the car and go home. Walid (Laughs): E-excuse me? I came here to assist you... In these negotiations. (Laughs): I've been working with the Al Fayeeds for over a decade now. I know how they think. Sheik Rashid: You've made yourself a friend to the very people who drove me from my home. Get back to the car and leave. (Car door closes) (Water fountain running) Yussef: Salaam alaikum. Sheik Rashid: Salaam alaikum. Yussef: Wa alaikum as-salaam. Barry: Sheik Rashid. Sheik Rashid: Bassam. Barry: My wife Molly. Molly: Hi. Sheik Rashid: How are you? Molly: Good. Leila: Welcome. Amira: Sheik. Salaam alaikum. Barry: All set? Jamal: I just heard Ihab is here. Barry: Yeah, he's part of the delegation. Apparently, it all happened at the last minute. Jamal: Here's hoping nothing else happens at the last minute. Tell me, Ziad is sure about these bargaining points? Barry: Well, I asked him about 100 times. Jamal: That Ihab so much as looks at me cross-eyed and I'll throw him back in the prison. Barry: What about the Sheik? He can't help but look at you cross-eyed. (Yussef and Barry chuckle) Guard: Mr. President. Secretary: Welcome, sir. Sheik Rashid: Mr. President. Jamal: Sheik Rashid. Please. (Sheik Rashid coughing) (Gagging) (Choking) Namir: Excuse me, have you a toilet? His mouth's full of phlegm. Barry: Yeah, of course. (Sheik Rashid retching) (Violently coughing) (Groaning) Jamal (Sighs): Well, gentlemen, this is a meeting decades in the making. Where should we start? Taxation? Representation on the council? Perhaps it's even time to rethink the nationalization of some of Ma'an's natural resources. Sheik Rashid: You are very generous, President. And very astute. I know you very much want the founder's Plaza returned to normal. People back in their homes. Businesses able to receive customers. I believe I can make all that happen. There is really just one thing I want in return. Jamal: Tell me what is on your mind. Sheik Rashid: I would like to ask, now that your father has passed, that you allow there to be open and free elections for the office of President of Abbudin, monitored by the u.N., open to any candidate, no matter their political or religious affiliation. Jamal: Let me take that... Under advisement. Sheik Rashid: Very well. Barry: Sheik Rashid, can we now rely upon you to clear the founder's Plaza? Sheik Rashid: Let me take that... under advisement. (Sheik Rashid clears throat softly) Nothing to fear... just gravity. (Door closes) Jamal: He wants elections?! Is he out of his mind? I'm not begging the people for my right to lead them. These talks were a horrible idea. Barry: The talks were not a horrible idea. Yes, he outmaneuvered us... Jamal: Yes, I would say so. (Crickets chirping) So, what do we do, Mr. advisory? What do we do, brother? It turns out he wants to be George Washington. Tariq: Typically with a crowd of this size, I believe the estimate for today is almost 20,000. The people will see your heavy armor approaching, your tanks, and almost immediately you will lose 2,000 or 3,000. But in this particular instance, since we've been visible to the crowd for several days without an order to proceed, we may not see quite so many flee initially. But once we initiate use of the water cannons, the crowd will diminish by half. It's that remaining 10,000... The semi hard-core... That becomes a challenge to disperse. We'll begin with the rubber bullets, then conventional ammo. All the while, the tanks... are moving, converging on a center point. And, obviously, anyone in their path... The whole thing will take about 45 minutes. Although that's not counting the cleanup. You're going to need at least a day of scrubbing before that Plaza is once again presentable to the civilian population. Jamal: What kind of injuries can we expect? Tariq: My guesstimate? 2,000 injured. Perhaps 200 fatalities. (Jamal sighs heavily) Of course, every day you wait, every minute you wait, those numbers rise. Jamal: Any of the great minds here have any options to offer? Or is this it? We kill 200 today, then go to war with our people tomorrow. Tariq: Not to make light of it, but, uh... We're quite good at going to war. I have every confidence we will prevail. Jamal: I need an hour to reflect. (Sighs quietly) (Phone vibrating) Barry: Free and open elections... Exactly what the Sheik said. No, think about it, it gives you everything you want, everything you could possibly hope for. Jamal: Um, what does it give me? Barry: Options. And all of them are good. The first thing it gives you is, the Plaza will be empty. What can the people possibly protest about when the choice of who leads them is theirs? Jamal: Mm, but then... I have to run to regain leadership. Barry: Okay. And what's the worst that can happen? Jamal (Laughs softly): Bassam... I lose. Uh... everything our father built, everything we achieved... Everything we are ceases to be. Barry: I get that. I do. But look, the days when a single family can continue to rule by sheer force of will are pretty much over, with or without elections. So if you lose... You lose. And you wake up the next day and you start living the rest of your life, except no one's hanging you, no one's shoving a bayonet up your ass, the crowd isn't calling for your head... You just go away. You move your money to Switzerland, or wherever guys like you move your money, you buy your own goddamn island, and you're still one of the richest men in the world. But here's the thing. I don't think you're gonna lose. Jamal: I won't? Barry: No. These elections are a year, a year and a half away. First you got to change the constitution... That's gonna take some time... And then comes the campaign... that's a year, a year and a half... and in that time, the people are getting to know you, and when they get to know you, they're gonna love you. And while they're busy falling in love with you, you're gonna do what powerful people do... you build 20 schools, ten hospitals, a bunch of parks. And what's the Sheik gonna build? Jamal: Well... he's not going to build sh1t. Barry: No, he's just gonna cough and spit and... Look at people with that milky eye. (Jamal chuckles) Jamal: So... We are going to win this? Barry: I think we can. (Jamal chuckling quietly) Jamal (Sighs): Wake up. Look who's back. Leila: I'm pleased for you both. Here's hoping the two of you will be very happy together. Jamal: What's wrong with you? Leila: What's wrong with you? Bargaining away our lives. Not to mention your child's birthright. Jamal: I can't believe you are still mad about this. Three weeks and you are still mad about it. Don't you watch television? They are calling me "a beacon of hope in the middle east." Leila: Good for them. Maybe you can call them and have them play with your new friend. I'm not interested. (Birds chirping) (Phone ringing) (Sighs) Jamal: Good morning, Yussef. What can I do for you? What? 60 minutes? What is... you mean the television show? They want to do a piece about me? Newscaster: Spending a day with the Sheik is like trailing a rock star. Wherever he goes, he is besieged with requests for pictures and autographs. Barry: Jamal? Newscaster: And why wouldn't he? Jamal: Huh? (Clears throat) Barry: The, uh, council's waiting. Minister of finance: It's a wonderful thing to want to build schools and hospitals and parks. I don't think that's the office of budget management's issue. Jamal: Then... what is their issue? I'm the President. I... I want this money. I need this money. Minister of finance: The way we would normally fund these sorts of projects would be to sell bonds on the world market. And I don't think under normal circumstances that would be a problem. Jamal: Explain. Minister of finance: It's just... Ever since you announce elections... Barry: What about the elections? Minister of finance: There's concern that the debt holder might change, and might not be interested in honoring the obligations these bonds represent. Jamal: No, no, no, no, no. The debt holder is not going to change... that's the whole point. Now, we want the people to vote for me... So we need money to build things. Tariq: Why? You are the President. The constitution does not call for these elections. There's no need for these elections. We gain nothing from these elections, and in fact may have created for ourselves the mechanism of our own demise. Call them off. Barry: And what about the people? We've already told them. Tariq: I'll deal with the people. I always have. Mr. President, please. Embrace who you are and what is yours. Let's put an end to this foolishness. Jamal: 60 minutes called. Tariq: Pardon me? Jamal: Didn't Yussef tell you? 60 minutes called. They want to do a piece about me. Have they ever wanted to do a piece about you? How about you? Well... (Clears throat) I've been called... to an emergency meeting with a delegation from Norway. When I return, I want to hear that these new construction projects have been financed. I also want to hear how excited the military is about the prospects for free elections in Abbudin. Thank you, gentlemen. This meeting is adjourned. [SCENE_BREAK] Jamal: Uh, Ziad. The Norwegian President has asked me to meet him alone. Something about a pipeline situation. No one even knows he's here, so I'll text you as soon as I am safely in the room. Woman: No hello? No "it's been a long time"? No "I missed you"? Jamal: Hello. (Clears throat) It's been a long time. And as you can see, I've missed you. (Woman laughs) (Breathing heavily) Woman: You need to come see me more often. That was like an explosion. Jamal: A presidential explosion? (Woman laughs) Woman: A presidential eruption. Jamal: Can I ask you something? Woman: Mm. Jamal: Do you think the people love me? Woman: Well, the people don't know you. But if they did, I am sure that they would love you. I mean, how could anyone not love you? Barry: May I? I know we, uh, we don't see eye to eye on a few things. The elections, the Sheik. Leila: If you've come here to tell me what to say or to drill me the way you've been drilling my husband and the others... Let me remind you: I've been in the public eye since I was 18. I know what to say when the cameras are on. And I know what to do when the cameras are off. Barry: Of course you do. What? Leila: You. You're so... impressed with yourself. "Look at me. Look at what I did. I'm bringing democracy to Abbudin." You really believe he can do this? Win the votes and the love of the people? Barry: Yes. Yes, I do. Leila: I guess it helps to be away from him for 20 years. Barry: Forgive the intrusion. Jamal: You cannot outrun history. One would be a fool to stick one's head in the sand and not see how change is sweeping the middle east. Change... And cell phones. Everyone has a voice, everyone has an opinion, and everyone has a camera. It simply stands to reason then, that everyone would expect to have a say about how they are governed. Amira: Well, he's my son, so of course I think he's special. And he's always seen things differently than his father, so I'm not entirely surprised that he's turning everything on its head. Trying things that have never been tried before. But the main thing is that I think he wants what's best for the country. Even if it's not him. And I think that gives you a hint at just how special he is. Jamal: I don't say these things for effect. I say them because... This is the reality. This is how I truly feel about it. We are coming to this place one way or the other. We can either be in front of it or behind it. Man: Just look at me. Here we go. You served for three decades as the head of the military for an ironfisted dictator. Now here comes the son, and he's freeing political prisoners, sitting down with opposition leaders, calling for elections. Isn't your head spinning? (Tariq laughs) Tariq: Yes and no. My nephew is a visionary. But he is also very much like his father, my brother. My brother looked at the vast desert, the warring tribes, the hostile outside forces conspiring against him and nonetheless felt that he could build a nation. Insane. And yet here we are. A nation. With abundant schools and hospitals and a vibrant economy. And now my nephew says, what if we have elections? What if we let the people choose? You think they might choose me? An old dog like me thinks... Insane. But then I remember his father. And I think crazier things have happened. Are we through? Director: All right, set. Leila: A wife always wants to believe she's her husband's greatest love. But long ago I made peace with the fact that I'm in second place. Man: I'm sorry... second place to who? Leila: To Abbudin. Man: Your opponent, Sheik Rashid, a sworn enemy of your family for over two decades, calls you either the bravest or the most foolish man on the continent. (Jamal chuckles) Jamal: That's really funny. I didn't know Sheik Rashid has that sense of humor. Uh, but, uh... I like Sheik Rashid. Uh, I would not vote for him, for sure. But I like him. Man: The people like him, too. He is leading in the polling. Jamal: It's early to say. The elections are a long way off. And I think, in time, people will realize that what they feel for the Sheik is actually what you feel for an Uncle that you haven't seen for a long time. Uh, nostalgia. But if you look around, you can see what we have built together, as a nation. And I'm sure you will say, I love that. I want more of that. I want more of the people... Of the family... that did that. Man: You sound very confident. Jamal: Uh-huh. Man: Would you be interested in hearing what the Sheik had to say about you? (On video): What do you make of this new, young President Al Fayeed? Sheik Rashid: Obviously, he marches to the beat of his own drummer. And when you sit with him in a room, you know you are sitting with a lion. Of course, not all lions are friendly, and every so often, one will bite your head off. Man: But you have to admire his courage. He didn't have to allow these elections. He could have simply said no. Sheik Rashid: Yes. He knows wise counsel when he hears it. Man: Wise counsel? Sheik Rashid: He has a younger brother. Bassam. An American. Like I said, Jamal may be a lion. But I suspect his brother is the lion tamer. The brother who tells the lion what to do. Jamal: We are getting report that for the first time in 30 years, a significant number of young men of draft age are simply not showing up for induction. This is despite the fact they know the penalty is death or life imprisonment. Additionally, among men already serving, we are seeing a measurable uptick in deserters. Again, these men are staring at certain death, and yet... They don't care. And finally, assaults against officers by conscripted men are up 11% compared to this same time last year. Jamal: And why do you think this is? Tariq: Shifting sands, Mr. President. The country is sensing change. And change is not good for the status quo. People don't obediently serve in a military they suspect of being disbanded. And those already serving start looking for an exit strategy. It's human nature. Jamal: Are you saying this is because I have announced elections? Tariq: Well, when you look at the latest polling... Jamal: Latest polling? Yussef: Mr. President, there is new polling. And unfortunately it shows you just with 33% of the vote, while the Sheik has 44% of the vote. Jamal: That's not perfect. But... still early. And 44 to 33 is not really terrible. Yussef: No, Mr. President. It is not. Although it is somewhat troubling that just two weeks ago, you had 37 and he 41. (Jamal exhales) Jamal: Let me think about all of that, okay? Thank you very much for your patience, for your support and encouragements. (Knocking) (Man speaks arabic) Barry: Thank you. (Door closes) Sheik Rashid: Forgive me for not getting up. Some days the legs cooperate happily. Some days they don't. (Laughs) Please. Barry: Thank you for, uh, seeing me at such short notice. Sheik Rashid: You made it sound urgent. Barry: What was urgent was my brother not having to see me for a few days after hearing what you said on 60 minutes. (Sheik Rashid chuckles) You knew exactly what you were doing. Sheik Rashid: Does it serve my interests for there to be friction between the man I'm running against and the man I've come to believe is responsible for any success he's experiencing? The answer is yes. Be flattered. You remind me of your father. Barry: Really? And is that a good thing or a bad thing? Sheik Rashid: This may shock you, but I considered your father an extraordinary statesman right up until the the moment he betrayed me. Barry: Don't you mean right up until the moment you betrayed him? You bombed an army barracks. Killed dozens of Abbudin soldiers without provocation. Sheik Rashid: Did I? Barry: It's what happened. You bombed us, we gassed you. Our sin was greater, but I doubt it would have happened if you hadn't attacked first. Sheik Rashid: I was looking for a peace with a man I believed wanted the same thing. I never struck first. I never struck at all, nor did any of my people. Barry: Then, who did? Sheik Rashid: Maybe a man who wanted to gas 20,000 people in Ma'an and needed a reason. Barry: So, you're saying my father sacrificed his own men to give himself a reason to attack Ma'an? Sheik Rashid: I am offering a possible scenario, no more, no less. But you didn't come here to debate history with me. Barry: I'm here to extend you an invitation. My brother would like you to be present for the signing of the motion to amend the constitution to allow free elections in Abbudin. Sheik Rashid: The motion to amend. The tiny first step. (Barry laughs airily) I mean what I say. Those days before the attack on Ma'an, I really thought your father was one of the most extraordinary individuals I had ever met. I disagreed with almost everything he stood for, but I admired his will to get things done, his willingness to listen to other opinions and ideas. You are... Your father's son. Jamal: I don't know why, but I can't seem to get the peoples' love. I give them elections. I free prisoners. Doesn't matter. Perhaps I'm just not lovable. Woman: Well, I find you very lovable. Jamal: Yeah, I know. I think I'm lovable, too, but, the point is, when I... When I... when I think about who actually loves me... Yeah. My father... he liked me sometimes. Sometimes, yes. Sometimes, no. My mother... you know, she's my mother. She-she loves her children no matter who they are. And my brother. My younger brother. My little brother. (Jamal sighs) I see him look at me with pity. I think he thinks that is love, but I know it's just pity. Woman: That sounds very lonely. What about your wife? (Woman sighs) Well... I love you. Jamal: Well, I know that. I... I can tell. With all your heart, right? Woman: With all my heart, Mr. President. Barry: Hey, don't jump. Screw the Sheik. Jamal: Does your boyfriend know you talk about him like that? (Both laugh) Barry: So, long time, no see. Jamal: Hmm, I've been busy. You know, it's not easy hanging onto 33% of the vote. Barry: I wanted to talk to you about that. You know these polls are only accurate to within five points, right? You know what that means? Jamal: It means I'm losing? Barry: No, it means you could have 38 points, and he could have 39, which basically means you're in a dead heat. Jamal: Well, tell that to my trusted council. Barry: Down the hall, there are people that have come from all over the world to see you do what you're about to do today. When you put your pen to that document, the world will be different. How many men get the chance to effect that kind of change in their lifetime? You are making history today. Jamal: Really? You sure it's not you? Molly: Wow. Look at these two. Which one do you want? Leila: Are there two? I see only one. Barry: So, we'll, uh... we'll see you guys down in the ballroom. They're setting up for some pictures with the Sheik, and then we'll move to the actual signing. (Jamal sighs) Leila: We were just out there. People seem to be very excited about what you are going to do. Jamal: Are you? Leila: I think that you have it in you to be.. A great man and do great things. But do I think this is one of them? I'm not sure. That doesn't change how I feel about you. Jamal: And how do you feel about me? Leila: Jamal, if you don't know by now... Jamal: Oh, I plead for your love, and all I get is... anger. Leila: That's not true. Jamal: Then... give me your love... here, now. Leila: Don't be ridiculous. I'll meet you down there. (Door opens) (Indistinct chatter) (Camera shutter clicking) John: Mr. President. He's a force of nature, isn't he? (Camera shutter clicking) (Jamal sighs heavily) Jamal: Excuse me. I will be right back. John: Sure. (Jamal sighs) (Door opens) Man: Right through that door, Sheik Rashid. (Sheik Rashid coughs) (Loud coughing) Sheik Rashid: So... this is where you are hiding. Jamal: Great minds think alike. (Sheik Rashid laughs) Sheik Rashid: Ah. (Sheik Rashid coughs, spits) (Sheik Rashid sighs) Jamal: You are amazing to watch. The people... they really love you. (Sheik Rashid sniffles) Sheik Rashid: Well, of course they do. I am a benign old man. What's not to love? I also love them right back. Jamal: And my brother Bassam. Do you love him? (Sheik Rashid sniffles) Sheik Rashid: I don't know about love, but he is a very clever fellow, your brother. Very wise, very principled. (Sheik Rashid sighs) I'll tell you another thing. There's not a morning I don't wake up and thank God I am not running against him. (Sheik Rashid laughs) (Both laugh) Jamal: Ah. (Sheik Rashid coughs) Sheik Rashid: Huh? (Coughing) Jamal: You're okay? (Sheik Rashid coughs) (Loud, labored coughing) That's it, cough it up. Cough it up, old man. (Loud coughing) Cough the whole lung! You want me to get Bassam to help you? You need a whack in the back. (Grunts) (Sheik Rashid groaning) Did that help? (Jamal grunts) How about that? (Jamal panting) (Sighs) You think everybody loves you? Well... forgive me. I don't.	Plan: A: Jamal; Q: Who meets with Sheik Rashid? A: the rebel opposition leader; Q: Who is Sheik Rashid? A: Bassam's request; Q: Why did Sheik Rashid come out of hiding? A: a peace; Q: What did Bassam want to create? A: the Abuddin Constitution; Q: What does Sheik Rashid want to add elections to? Summary: Jamal meets with the rebel opposition leader, Sheik Rashid, who had come out of hiding on Bassam's request to create a peace, adding elections to the Abuddin Constitution. However, as the time to officiate the changes draws near, Jamal begins to wonder if Bassam is trying to do more than just guide him.
Act One. Scene One - Radio Station. KACL is decorated for the Christmas season as "The Dr. Frasier Crane Show" airs. Frasier takes a call as Roz sits in her booth. Frasier: Well, we've got just about a minute before we go to the news. I understand we have Tom from Freemont on line one. [presses button] Go ahead, Tom. Tom: [v.o.] I don't want to be squeezed into a minute, I will go on after the news. Frasier and Roz look surprised. Frasier: Well, why don't you tell me your problem now and then I can give you my reply when we come back. Tom: No, I'll wait. Frasier: Very well. [presses button] Roz, who else do we have? Roz: We have Brian on a car phone. Frasier: Ah! [presses button] Go ahead, Brian, I'm listening. Brian: [v.o.] For what? Thirty seconds?! I'll wait too! Frasier and Roz begin to get annoyed. Frasier: All right, then. I guess I'll just use the time myself. [presses button and picks up a clipboard, he reads] "Giddy up, giddy up, let's go" - to the Seattle Christmas Parade this Saturday, broadcast live on Channel 6 TV and hosted by Kelly Kirkland of Channel 6's Kelly and Carol Show. You know, I must say that Kelly Kirkland is a real treasure. She's sincere and charming and... well, just about as likeable as sunshine! [smiles] We'll be right back. [presses button] As they go off the air, Roz enters his booth. Roz: Are you okay? Frasier: Hm? Well, of course, why? Roz: Oh, I was afraid with all that sucking up you might have burst a lung! Frasier: That's very funny, Roz. You see, Kelly's looking for a new co-host for the parade this year and I was hoping it might be me. You know, I've watched that parade since I was a child and this is my chance to become a part of it. Roz: Oh, I thought she did that parade with her husband. Frasier: Oh, I guess you haven't heard. You see, she's discovered that Carol's been having an affair with her cue card girl. [laughs] Roz: How did she catch him? She find a giant love letter in his pocket?! Frasier laughs. Mary Thomas then enters the booth, the warm but loquacious woman from last season's "There's Something About Dr. Mary." She is carrying three books. Mary: Hey, Frasier, guess who? Frasier: [laughs] Mary Thomas, oh. Hello, Mary. Roz, you remember Mary, she and I briefly co-hosted my show last year. Roz: Of course, I remember. I listen to your show on KEZW all the time. Mary: Oh, well, thank you so much and just for that, here's a copy of my new book and Frasier, here's one for you too. Hands them over. Roz: [reading cover] "Warm Bread for the Soul" by Dr. Mary! Frasier: I see you're still identifying yourself as a doctor. Mary: But now it's true. You read the inside cover. Frasier: Eh? [reads] Dr. Mary has healed thousands of Seattle radio listeners and is a summa cum laude graduate of the School of Hard Knocks. Mary: Yes. Frasier: Mary, I hate to quibble about things like accreditation and such... Kenny enters. Kenny: Woh, it's like the American Medical Association in here! [laughs] So, isn't this great? Dr. Mary's coming back to KACL! Roz: Oh, hey, congratulations! Frasier: Oh, yes, congratulations, indeed. I... I must have missed that memo! Kenny: Yes, she was doing so great in the ratings we had to steal her back. Now, I thought your doctors took an oath not to hurt anybody, you are killing us! Mary: [laughs] Oh, you. You give me some sugar! Mary hugs Kenny. Mary: Oh, Frasier, I hope you're all right with this. I know last time you weren't thrilled about us working together. Frasier: Oh, no, this time we'll have separate shows. It's not like we're going to be sharing a mike! [to Kenny] Er, we won't be sharing a mike, will we? Kenny: Of course not, we're giving Mary the morning drift shift. Frasier: [covering jealousy] Oh, well, the shift with the biggest audience and the best demographics. Mary: Don't you worry, I'll be promoting your show every single day. Kenny: Is this woman not generous?! Give me some sugar. Mary: [laughs] No, baby, you've already got yours but here's a book for you. [hands it over] And Merry Christmas to all! Kenny: [emphatic] Merry Christmas! Mary exits. Roz: What the hell's wrong with you?! Kenny looks wistful as Roz exits to her booth. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment. Frasier seems to have had his way once again this year as his home is aptly decorated in a stylish manner for Christmas. Frasier answers the door to Niles who is holding a gift. Frasier: Oh. Niles: Hey. Frasier: Niles. [laughs] I hope you had the presence of mind to bring presents of mine! [laughs] Niles: I haven't heard that line since last year! Niles places the present under the Christmas tree. Niles: But then again, Christmas is the season for chestnuts! [laughs] Niles notices various bowls of food around the room. Niles: What's all the food for? Frasier: Well, actually, Kelly Kirkland's coming over, I'm trying to make a good impression. You see, I was doing my best to charm my way into that parade job. Niles: What is it with you and this parade? They sit on the couch. Frasier: Oh, Niles, don't you remember when we were kids? We'd sit on the couch and cradle our cocoas and stay up late to watch our holiday hosts, Bob Vernon and Sergeant Michelle - the... Both: ...traffic lady! Their memories take over. Niles: Oh, I haven't thought about them in years! Frasier: You know, to me, that was always the official beginning of Christmas and now this is my chance to usher in the season for a whole new generation. Niles: I loved Sergeant Michelle! To this day, every time I cross against the light, I feel like I'm letting her down! Niles smells the air. Niles: All right, what is that fetid smell? Frasier: Oh, oh, that's the food. I'm preparing dishes that have been featured on Kelly's show. The oven pings. Frasier: Oh, Lord, that'll be my hobo casserole! Niles: Hobo! That's the smell! Frasier exits to the kitchen. Daphne enters from her room and notices Niles. [N.B. Jane Leeves' pregnancy is more covered in this episode, however her eating storyline is still being shown. Daphne is seen to be eating food whenever she is on screen.] Daphne: Hey, Niles. Niles: [stands and greets her] Hello, Daphne. They kiss. Daphne: So, where are we going for dinner tonight? Niles: Well, er, it's your pick. All though, word on the street has it that "Chez Du Mont" has the most delectable Hudson Valley foie gras. Daphne: Niles, you're spoiling me! All this rich food's gonna start catching up with my figure! Niles: Oh, not you my little hummingbird, never! Daphne picks up some food from the dishes and begins to eat. Daphne: You're as sweet as a chocolate soufflé. Let's get some of those, tonight. Martin enters from the front door with Eddie. Martin: Oh, that's it! I know I should have stocked my old Ballantines as soon as they stopped making it. Now, I can't find a single can. Frasier enters. Martin: Christmas is ruined! Daphne: Christmas is about more than beer, Mr. Crane! Niles: Yeah, and this year's extra special because Daphne and I are together. Martin: Well, that's true. [thinks] No more Mel, no Maris, no Lilith... maybe I won't need beer this Christmas! Martin exits to his room as the doorbell sounds. Frasier: That's Kelly. Showtime! Niles sticks his thumb up at him as he opens the door. Frasier: Hi, Kelly. Kelly: Hi, Frasier. They hug and kiss a greeting. Frasier: Gosh, you know, I haven't seen you since the "Broadcasters Against Litter" march! Kelly: I think we really made a difference. Frasier: Indeed we did. Now, please, come on in. I'd like you meet my brother, Niles, and his girlfriend, Daphne. They ad-lib hellos. Kelly: Do I smell Hobo Casserole? Niles: Yes, close your eyes, it's like you're under a railroad bridge! Frasier: [laughs] Yes, off you go. Frasier gives a stern look at Niles and Daphne who abruptly exits to Daphne's room. Frasier: So, you know about Hobo Casserole? Kelly: Oh, I make it on my show. Frasier: Oh, I get so many of my recipes from your show that I've forgotten which are mine and which are yours! Kelly: [laughs, then sees bowl] Ah, now don't tell me that's potato chip salad?! Frasier: Uh-oh, [obvious acting] this is embarrassing. Kelly: So, you really are a fan of the show, huh? Frasier: Guilty. I especially admire your work on the Christmas Parade. Kelly: You really want this, don't you? Frasier: Oh, Gosh, I do. I really do. I must admit. In fact, you know, I'd be willing to audition for you right now. Kelly: Oh, Frasier, now that's not necessary. Frasier: Please, I'd like to. Now, I've examined the parade schedule and I have taken a liberty of preparing a few ad-libs. If you would indulge me in one or two? Frasier picks up a script as Kelly agrees. They begin to read: Frasier: Hey, Kelly. Have you ever seen eighty beavers march in perfect rhythm? Kelly: Oh, Frasier, everyone knows beavers can't march. Frasier: Oh, they can, when they're the marching beavers of the Riverside High School Band! Kelly: Hey, you tricked me. Frasier: Sorry, Kelly, but how about those incredible formations. They're so precise. Kelly: Well, that doesn't surprise me, Fras, after all, the beaver is nature's first ENGINE-er! [laughs] The put the script down. Kelly: That's nice banter. Frasier looks gleeful. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Radio Station. Frasier is rounding up his show as Roz reads Dr. Mary's book in her booth. Frasier: Well, Seattle, thank you for your calls. Frasier knocks on the window to Roz who is immersed in the book. She carries on reading. Frasier: Seattle, thank you for your calls! Roz: [monotone and bored, still reading] Hey, Frasier, what are you doing over the Christmas weekend? Frasier: Well, Roz, if you insist on interrogating me, I'll be co- hosting the Seattle Christmas parade tomorrow night... Roz begins nonchalantly ringing some Christmas bells whilst still reading. She is obviously not too fussed about Frasier's plans for finishing the show. Frasier: ...on Channel 6 with the lovely and talented Kelly Kirkland. I hope it will be the beginning of a new holiday tradition. Good mental health, see you at the parade. Frasier presses the button to go off-air. Roz quickly throws down her bells and carries on reading. Kenny enters. Kenny: Hey, doc. Oh, Frasier, I wish you hadn't done that little promo. Frasier: Why? Kelly told me I had the job, her word is good enough for me. Kenny: I got some bad news. Frasier: I knew I couldn't trust that woman, and after I had her to my home for that hillbilly buffet! Kenny: She's got food poisoning. She'll be laid up for days. Frasier: Oh, a tough blow! But, I'm nothing if not a team player, you know, I'll do the parade myself. Kenny: Boy, you really know how to land on your feet, doc. But, er, you're still going to have a co-host. Listen, nothing officially yet, but there are a few names that are floating around. Frasier looks behind him and sees Mary jumping about happily with her co-workers. She then looks at Frasier through the glass and indicates she will be working with him at the parade. Frasier looks back to Kenny. Kenny: I'll let you know if I hear anything. Kenny exits as Frasier grimaces. End of Act One. Act Two. Scene One - Frasier's Apartment. Martin is on the phone as Frasier enters who puts on his overcoat from the rack. Martin: [on phone] Oh, that'd be sweet! [pause] No, it's Frasier. Okay, see you, Duke. [hangs up] Frasier: Well, Dad, how do I look? Martin: Well, a smile'd help! Frasier: [sighs] I know, it's just that this whole Mary thing's got me kinda upset. You know, that woman grew up in Seattle, she's never even seen that parade, it's a sacrilege. My God, you know, this event, it's an institution, it carries with it a tradition of pride and pageantry and old-fashioned good times. [thinks] Well, that's not bad, I think I might open with it. Niles and Daphne enter from her room. Daphne carries a gift and places it under the tree. Niles: Hey, Frasier, good luck tonight. Frasier: Oh, thanks, Niles. Daphne: We'll be watching. Hey, maybe you could say hi to us on the air. Niles: Oh, for God's sake, Daphne, this is not some sort of a home movie! This event carries with it a tradition of pride and pageantry and old-fashioned good times. [thinks] Eh, now I don't like it! [exits] Daphne and Niles stand round Martin and begin their obviously practiced banter. Daphne: Maybe I'll heat up some cider for the parade. Niles: Oh, sounds good to me. Dad? Martin: I guess. Parade just won't be the same without Ballantine. Niles: Is anything the same to you without Ballantine? Martin: Sure, lots of stuff. [beat] No, not really. Niles gives Daphne a knowing glance before she quickly exits to the kitchen. Niles: Dad, I know, Christmas is a few days off but Daphne and I were wondering if it wouldn't be a good idea for you to open one of your presents early. Martin: No, no, that'd be cheating. No opening presents till Christmas morning. Daphne enters holding a gift-wrapped present, obviously a six-pack of beer. Daphne: Are you sure? Martin: [feels at it] Who-ho-ho! Well, I guess one wouldn't hurt. I'm not doing this by myself, though. You two have got to open something too. Niles: [to Daphne] What do you think? Daphne: One wouldn't hurt. The two go to the tree. Niles: This is for you. Daphne: Oh, and that's yours. They takes the presents and go back to sit down. Martin: Everybody got something? Niles: Yeah. Martin: All right, good! Martin opens his present and takes out a six-pack of Ballantines. Martin: [laughs] I knew it, thank you so much. How'd you keep it cold? Daphne: I hid it in the vegetable crisper. I knew you'd never look there. Daphne opens hers and finds some earrings. Daphne: Niles, they're exquisite. Thank you. They kiss. Niles: You're welcome. [pause] And you got me... [unwraps, with enthusiasm] ...batteries! Thank you. Daphne: [let down] Oh, you opened the wrong package. [goes to tree] You were supposed to open this one. Niles: No, no, I can't open another one, that's not fair. Martin: Well, if we all open one more then it'd make it even. Daphne: Sounds fair. Niles: Alright, but that's it. Martin: Yeah, no more. They go to the tree as we FADE OUT. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Two - Christmas Parade. Frasier and Mary are on air, sat at their podium. A fanfare of music is heard in the background. Frasier: Merry Christmas, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane... Mary: ...and Dr. Mary! Frasier: ...Welcoming you to the 42nd annual Christmas parade. Mary: Yes, first off, we want to wish Kelly Kirkland a speedy recovery. Frasier: Indeed, and may I say, it's an honor to be sitting here in the very chairs that were once occupied by the legendary Bob Vernon and his co-host Sergeant Michelle, who started this tradition so many years ago. Mary: And here comes our first float, Frosty the Snowman! Frasier: You know, Mary, historically speaking the first float was probably the Trojan horse. It was a gift from the people of Troy. Once brought inside the city walls however, they discovered it was filled with Greek soldiers, who slaughtered their Trojan enemies in the street. Of course, modern floats have come a long way since then. [with a grin] We hope! Mary: Well, this float comes to us as a gift from Seattle's sister city: Managua, Nicaragua. You know, I like the way that sounds. [with accent] Managua Nicaragua. [then] It sounds like the name of a fine Latino man! Frasier looks down at her script, she is obviously ad-libbing. Mary: [accent] Would you like to dance, Dr. Mary? [then] Yes, I would, Managua Nicaragua. Shake that piece of Costa Rica for me! [laughs] For more information, here's float reporter Mike. Director: And we're clear. Off air: Mary: This is fun, isn't this fun? Frasier: Yes, yes, but you know, Mary, maybe we should try sticking to the script, hmm? The more we improvise, the less professional we look. Mary: Oh, okay, I'm sorry now. Director: Hey, Mary, great ad-libbing. More of that. Frasier, try to loosen up. We're back in five! [counts down] CUT TO: Later. We now see Frasier and Mary at the parade on the television at Frasier's apartment. Frasier: Say, Mary, this enormous stocking is overstocked with presents! Mary: Ooh, I'd like to tear into one of those gifts right now. Frasier: Well, not until Christmas morning, Mary. You know, in my house, we don't even shake the boxes. The camera pulls back to show the household watching the television in the midst of much wrapping paper and opened presents. Martin is sat in his fishing gear with an ear-flap hat on. Daphne is decked out in skiing gear. Niles is sat wearing his winter clothes reading a book. They react to Frasier's comments. Niles: We're going to need some wrapping paper. Daphne: There's a couple of rolls in my room. Martin: I'll get some tape. The three start about the task. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene Three - Christmas Parade. Frasier and Mary are continuing their "banter." "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" plays behind them. Frasier: This is the 5th float sponsored by a local software company. Mary: Hey, those guys on that giant were knocked over by candy cane. Frasier: Yes, Mary, [showing her script] and for a hundred and fifty feet, it certainly is the largest float on the parade. Mary: Throw some candy canes over here! [shouts] Come on, come on, put some muscle into it, you nerd! Frasier: Mary... Suddenly, a barrage of candy suddenly engulfs Frasier, knocking his headset off. Frasier: [smiling] This might be a good time for a break. We have an exciting surprise coming up - a special mystery guest. Mary: [suddenly, ad-libbed] It's Santa! Frasier carries on smiling, against all odds. Frasier: Thank you, Mary! Director: And, we're clear! Off air: Frasier: I think I'm gonna go get some air. Mary: But we're outside. Frasier: Stretch my legs! Frasier goes down from his podium to Roz, who is watching the parade with Alice. Roz: Hey, Frasier, thanks for the tickets. Alice is having a great time. Frasier: Well, I'm glad somebody is. Mary is ruining my parade. Do you know, [refers to his script] this has been called "nice banter" by a top parade professional. Does anybody get to hear it? No. Instead, Mary just prattles on endlessly as if every idea that pops into her head is worth saying out loud. She is totally unpredictable. Now, Santa's coming up and I've prepared a really cute bit and I know she's going to ruin that too! Roz: Look, if you tell her how important it is, I'm sure she'll back off. She's a reasonable person. The director calls. Director: Fifteen seconds. Roz: Good luck. Frasier goes up to Mary. Frasier: Mary, listen, I've let you have free reign over the parade this evening, could I please do the Santa interview myself? Mary: Oh, of course, of course. Frasier: Great. Director: And cue. Frasier walks down to in front of the podium. On air: "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" plays in the background. Frasier: And we're back. I see someone special getting off his sleigh. Santa: [enters] Ho-ho-ho, ho-ho. [to crowd] Well, hello, up there. Frasier: Some call him St. Nick, others Kris Kringle, in Holland he's affectionately known as... Santa walks up to Mary. Santa: Oh, you must be Dr. Mary. You know, I've been meaning to call your show. My elves always seem to get a little blue when the work is done, and I thought, well, maybe you could help. Mary: Oh, Santa. Frasier: Santa, I've got some questions over here for you. Mary: Maybe we all could put our heads together and come up with a solution. Santa: [to crowd] Do you think that Dr. Mary could help Santa to cheer up his elves? [they cheer] Mary: Why don't you give them some candy? The two walk down to Frasier. Santa: That's a great idea. Frasier: No, that's a terrible idea. Your elves are probably suffering from seasonal-affective disorder. Now, loading them up with sweets will only aggravate the problem! Santa: Kids love candy! [the crowd cheers] Frasier: Elves are not kids, they're tiny men! Mary: Well, if you want my opinion... Frasier: No, thank you, Mary. We've been listening to your opinions all night, and frankly there isn't enough room left in our heads for another one, now if you would just get back in... Frasier puts his hands out and accidentally punches Santa on the nose with his microphone. Frasier: I'm so sorry. Santa: What the hell's wrong with you? Look, I'm bleeding, I'm bleeding. Frasier: It was an accident. Santa: I'm feeling dizzy. Santa faints. Director: Cue the tape. I don't care what tape, find something! Woman: What's wrong with you? You attacked Santa Claus! Frasier: Look, it was an accident. Wasn't it, Mary? You saw it. Mary: Oh, now, you want my opinion. Honey, you're on your own. We FADE OUT. Scene Three - Christmas Parade. The parade has ended and the place is empty. Frasier walks up to Mary with a guilty look on his face. Frasier: Hello, Mary. Mary: Hello. Any word on Santa? Frasier: Oh, he'll be all right. They gave him a coagulant. I'd like to apologize for the way I acted toward you. It was rude and disrespectful. Mary: Well, what did I do to make you treat me that way? Frasier: Well, it's just that doing this parade has been a dream of mine and it felt like you were taking that away from me. Mary: Oh, what do you mean? We're a team. Frasier: Oh, yeah. I was the boring, stiff guy and you were the one everybody loved. Mary: Oh, come on, now. Frasier: No, it's true, Mary. This town has taken you into its heart in a way that they never have with me. I guess I'm a little jealous of that. Mary: Oh, Frasier, if it helps, I forgive you and you know something, when you're not trying so hard, you're actually kinda lovable yourself. Frasier: Really? Would I be over-stepping my bounds if I were to ask for some sugar right now? They hug. Mary: Merry Christmas, Frasier. Frasier: Merry Christmas, Mary. Mary: Well, I'm gonna get on out of here, now. Frasier: Right, right, you know, I'd offer to walk you to your car but there's still some angry parents in the parking lot! Mary: Oh, okay. Frasier: Bye-bye. Mary exits. Frasier wanders over to the stands and sits. A man puts his hand down to him, Frasier assumes it is the cleaner. The man remarks "Excuse me". Frasier: You just sweep around me. Bob: Um, no, I want to introduce myself. I'm Bob Vernon. Frasier stands to greet him, over-thrilled. Frasier: What? Bob Vernon? Bob: That's right. Bob does his signature gesture. Frasier: Oh, it's an honor, sir. Bob: Thank you. Frasier: Say, you didn't watch the parade this evening did you? Bob: Well, I turned it off when the smelling salts started making Santa nauseous. You know, Frasier, I got off to a rather rough start at this parade myself. Frasier: You did? Bob: Hm. Oh yes. Sergeant Michelle and I had absolutely no rapport that first year. Frasier: [surprised] No?! Bob: Frankly she got on my nerves. You know, she wasn't a real sergeant. Frasier: [shocked] No?! Bob: Listen, son, try to lighten up on yourself. You did some real nice work down here today. Frasier: Thanks. Bob: Good luck. Bob starts to leave. Frasier: Say, Mr. Vernon? Bob: Yes? Frasier: Is there any chance that you'd like to join me in a little banter? Bob: It would be an honor. They sit on the steps as Frasier opens his script. Bob puts on his reading glasses. Frasier: Right here: [reads] Say, Bob. Have you ever seen eighty beavers march in perfect rhythm? Bob: Frasier, everyone knows beavers can't march. Frasier: They can, when they're the marching beavers of the riverside high school band! Bob: Oh, you tricked me. Frasier: Sorry, Bob, but how about those incredible... They carrying on bantering as Frasier fulfills his childhood dreams. End of Act Two. [SCENE_BREAK] It is Christmas Day and the time has come to open up the presents under the tree. Daphne, Niles and Martin all have to fake surprise in front of Frasier as they re-open their gifts. Frasier opens a gift and finds Martin's fishing cap in there. It seems they put it back in the wrong box. Frasier is at first taken aback at this weird choice for him but still puts it on. The gang plays along as Niles points out to him under closed teeth that it suits him. Martin, however, kicks the gift box in frustration at not receiving the hat which he had been looking forward to.	Plan: A: nearly time; Q: When is the Seattle Christmas Parade? A: the Seattle Christmas Parade; Q: What event is nearing? A: the KACL coverage; Q: What is Frasier hoping to co-host with Kelly Kirkland? A: a meal; Q: What does Frasier offer to Kelly Kirkland to get her to agree to co-host the Seattle Christmas Parade? A: her Channel 6 show; Q: What show did Kelly Kirkland host? A: the job; Q: What does Kelly give to Frasier after he invites her to his apartment? A: food poisoning; Q: What illness does Kelly have that prevents her from hosting the Christmas Parade? A: Dr. Mary Thomas; Q: Who does Frasier co-host with when Kelly is unable to host? A: popular demand; Q: Why did Dr. Mary Thomas return to KACL? Summary: It is nearly time for the Seattle Christmas Parade, and Frasier, who as a child viewed this event as marking the official start of Christmas, is keen to co-host the KACL coverage with Kelly Kirkland. He ingratiates himself by inviting her for a meal at his apartment, and prepares dishes that have featured in her Channel 6 show. She is very happy to give him the job, but the following day Kelly announces that she has food poisoning and is unable to host at all. Frasier finds himself co-hosting with Dr. Mary Thomas, recently returned to KACL by popular demand.
Pam: I know a lot of us have been feeling under the weather lately. It's that time of year. And according to a study done by the University of Arizona, they've discovered that your keyboards have hundreds of times more bacteria, per square inch, than a toilet seat. Kelly: I heard your momma had more bacteria per square inch than a toilet seat. Michael: That's true, that's true. I dated her momma, and you know what- Jim: Stop. Michael: [under his breath] Um... kay. Uh, alright. Pam: One of the simplest ways to cut down on the spread of germs is to use something called the vampire cough. Erin: Di-Did you say vampire? Pam: Oh, no, it's just that if a vampire had to cough, he would do it like this. [coughs into elbow] Dwight: Uh-huh. Right. And ruin their cloaks? Do you have any idea how expensive wool is in Transylvania? [looks at camera] 'Cause of the euro. Pam: Well, other things you can do to help cut down on the spread of disease are to wash your hands regularly. Don't come in if you're sick. Dwight: [rolls his eyes and shakes his head] Uh... Pam: And get your flu shot. Also, I'm going to set up hand sanitizing stations around the office. Dwight: NO, no, no. They will cost you your life. Jim: Elaborate. Dwight: The worst thing you can do for your immune system is to coddle it. They need to fight their own battles. If Sabre really cared about our well-being, they would set up hand de-sanitizing stations. A simple bowl at every juncture filled with dirt, vomit, fecal matter... Pam: I'm not - I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. Dwight: Exposing yourself to germs is the best way to make yourself stronger. Jim: So by that rationale, if I had to sneeze, I should just sneeze on you. Dwight: Yes. I would welcome it. Jim: [sneezes on Dwight, looks at camera] You're welcome. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: The principle is sound. To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don't know why everyone doesn't do this. Maybe they have something against living forever. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: Jim. Pam. [gasps, speaks in baby voice] And the precious bundle of God's gift to everything. [back to her normal voice] I wish you both a pleasant day. [baby voice] And you too. Yes. Praise God. Ok. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Cece's getting christened today. Jim: Big day. Pam: Everyone from work is here. We weren't planning on that. Jim: Nope. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Top of the Sunday morning to you. Andy: And a top of the day to you too, sir. Ryan: Hope you brought your pipes. We're about to smoke the opium of the masses. Michael: Oh, yes. [mimicking smoking] Doobie-doobie doo. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I invited everyone in the office because it's not a day for just Jim or Pam or the baby or me. It is about us all. And I thought we should all celebrate... my joy. And our, all of ours joys. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [looking at Cece, under his breath] Ah, man. [looks at Erin talking to Gabe] [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Does the Nard-dog want Nard-pups? Yeah. I want a big ol' litter of Nard-pups. All jumping around, sucking on the teet. Put 'em in a box, give 'em to my neighbors. Yeah, I want kids. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [handing out cards] For all your paper and printer needs. For all your paper and printer needs. For all your paper and printer needs. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: Sunday church service... it's been a few years. The Big Guy and I, we got some catching up to do. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [in an old man mobster voice] Hey. Hey. I got an offer that you can't refuse. Scooch over. Pam: Oh, Michael, this is just for family. Michael: But I'm the Godfather. Jim: It is really funny, but you know that can be confusing at a christening because you are not the godfather. Michael: Are you talking to me? Jim: [whispers to Pam] Ok, your turn. Michael: Scooch. Before I shoot you in the head. Pam: Okay, Michael. Um, you know I love when you do that voice, but today, I'm so sorry. I need you to tell me that you know you're not Cece's godfather. Michael: Yeah. Pam: I'm sorry, Michael. I need you to say it. I'm so sorry. Michael: [normal voice] I'm not the godfather. Pam: Okay, thank you. Michael: [clears his throat] So who is the godfather? Pam: Our friend, Seth, and his wife there. Michael: Okay. Old friend, like, you've known him since kindergarten? Pam: No, I met his wife in Mommy and Me. They're a great couple. You should meet them later. Michael: No, I have plenty of friends, so... all right, well, you have great seats. Enjoy the show. Pam: Okay. Thank you for coming, Michael. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I don't even know how to say this, but Cece is turning out to be a little b-i-t-c-h. And that's not true, but her parents are kind of boxing me out. [SCENE_BREAK] Church congregation: [singing] We ask you, Lord, come to our aid. Pastor: Good morning. All: Good morning. Michael: Good morning. Pastor: What a terrific day this is, and not just because the Eagles are playing. [laughter, Kevin giggles] Pastor: You may have seen the bus out front. Today we also say good-bye to our young adult ministry. They're leaving for three months to build a school for the village of Quimixto, in Cabo Corrientes, Mexico. Ryan: I've heard of that place. If you go to Cabo San Lucas, all the prostitutes are from Cabo Corrientes. [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: [stands outside church entrance] Okay, this is, all right, this is silly. [goes inside] [walks back out] Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope... [SCENE_BREAK] Female church member: And thank you for your prayers for Justin. We hope for a speedy recovery. Pastor: Thank you. Anyone else with a prayer or a remembrance? [Dwight and an eldery man stand up at the same time, Dwight stares at him, man sits back down] Dwight: Good morning. Dwight Schrute. Thank you all for your prayers and your remembrances. Like Justin and his disfigurement, I too have had a horrible year. They say that the middle class is disappearing, and with it, the soul of America. So, as a gift to this beautiful congregation, I would like to offer a 4% discount on all Dunder Mifflin Sabre products if you buy a printer at full price. [SCENE_BREAK] Pastor: Christening calls to repentance, to faithfulness, and to discipleship. We've come to celebrate these babies. Pam: [looking at Cece's diaper] Somebody needs a change. Jim: Right now? Pam: Well, she can't bring this up with her. Jim: Okay. All right, come on. [picks up Cece from Pam, whispers to her] Where are we going? Where are we going? We're gonna take a little field trip. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [whispering, going into the bathroom with Cece] Okay. Okay. There's my girl. All right. Hold on one second. There we go. What's that face for? Oh, my-oh, my God. Cece, no. No, no, no, not on the dress! Cece, stop! [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [seeing Jim come in with Cece wearing an old t-shirt] What? Jim: What? Pam: Honey, no. Jim: Yes. Pam: No, no. Jim: This is happening. Pam: We have an extra outfit in the bag. Jim: No. There's no extra outfit in the bag. Pam: You said you checked it. Jim: I did... say that. Pastor: At this time, will the families please come join me? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Jim and Pam and Cece really seem to be clicking. They are totally gelling. It's as if they leave my office and they go to another office that sells happiness. And good for them. That's great, because, you know, the paper industry's not gonna last forever. [SCENE_BREAK] Pastor: Before we go, I'd like to remind everyone that the "Halberts" have been kind enough to host a reception next door immediately following the service. Jim: Mm. No. Wrong on both counts. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Okay, "A," Halbert. And, "B," I think a more appropriate statement would be, "The 'Halberts' are hosting an intimate reception for their invited guests." [SCENE_BREAK] Ryan: For all their generosity of spirit, they password-protect their wireless? Kelly: Try "Jesus." Dwight: Opus dei. Male church member: [to Michael] Hi. Good morning. Michael: Good morning. Female church member [to Michael]: Good morning. Michael: Good morning. Ryan: Hello. Dwight: Shh, shh, shh. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [walking around and greeting people] How are you? Good morning. Good morning. Lady: Good morning. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I am feeling this. Call it the Holy Spirit or the passion of the Christ. I am loving these people. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Hey. Doug [church member]: I'm Doug Mcpherson, Davey's uncle. Jim: Oh, well, Dave is an adorable baby. Doug: Davey. Jim: Yeah. [Doug walks away] Pam: Wow. Angela: Well, this is intimate. Pam: We just had to add a few more tables. We weren't expecting this many people. Angela: You don't know them all? Pam: Nope, and we're gonna need a loaves and fishes kind of miracle to feed 'em all. Angela: Jesus is not your caterer. [baby voice to Cece] But he should be your caterer 'cause you're a little angel. Why didn't your parents get you a caterer? [normal voice] They don't think. Pam: [to Cece] Hm. Don't listen to her. She's just jealous 'cause she doesn't get to come home to someone as cute as you. Jim: Huh, you think she is jealous about having a baby? Pam: I don't know. I'm just hungry. Jim: Okay, well, you know what? Everybody's hungry. [Pam looks at Jim] Sorry. I think I'm just hungry. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Oh, after you. Male church member: Oh, no, after you. Michael: No, I insist. After me. Male church member: [laughs] I'm gonna use that one. Have a good lunch. Michael: Thank you. You too. [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: This is not the meal I was promised. I'm going to have no energy for the rest of the day. Kevin: I cancelled my plans to come to this thing, and they repay me with this? Michael: You know what, guys, let's just enjoy lunch. Kevin: With what? How? Sometimes, Michael. Sometimes. [SCENE_BREAK] Girl: Excuse me, everyone, on behalf of the youth ministry that's leaving for Mexico, I just wanted to thank our hosts and tell you about those good-looking guys and gals over there. [group of young adults cheer and applaud] Ryan: [whispering] Teach for America girls are way hotter, but they're nuts. [SCENE_BREAK] Girl: This is Jessica Ortega. I met her when both she and I were both seven years old when my parents took me to Quimixto on a service trip. Phyllis: [chuckling] Who takes a kid to Mexico? Stanley: I would run to Mexico if that's where the sandwiches are. Michael: Shh. [SCENE_BREAK] Girl: Right now, Jessica's children have to walk twelve miles to a school with dirt floors. Michael: No. Girl: It's gonna be three months of hard work and when we're done, we'll practically be Quimixtanos. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Greg, hello, it's Dwight from the vestibule. You want to know my eleventh commandment? I will not be undersold. Michael: [overhearing Dwight's conversation] Hey, Dwight. Dwight, hey. Dwight: I am ready to love thy neighbor with these kind of discounts. Michael: Are you kidding me? Stop it. Dwight: I'll call you back. [SCENE_BREAK] Girl: My parents explained it to me this way. You wouldn't hesitate to save a family member from a burning building, but what if the earth was your building and all the people on it were your family? Andy: What if the moon was your car and Jupiter was your hair brush? Michael: Shh. Girl: Thank you. Or should I say gracias? [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [sighs] Cece went down. Woman: [holding up an empty serving dish] What was this? You're out of it. Jim: Scones. Woman: I didn't get one. Pam: Well, if it makes you feel better, I didn't get one either. Woman: Is it just the one jug of apple cider? [Pam shrugs, woman walks away] Pam: Who the heck was that? Jim: I think that was sconesy cider, noted baptism reception critic. Pam: We need more food. I'll go get some subs and sodas. Jim: All right. And cider. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [pointing to group of young adults laughing] Look at that. Look at that. That's fun. We need to do stuff together outside of work. Let's go help Africa. Let's go build an airport. We'll start small. We'll have a car wash. We'll send some cheerleaders to regionals. Stanley: You could feed the hungry. Us. Oscar: Why do we have to do something together? I volunteer at a clinic on my own time. Michael: Yeah, well, that's just a pick-up scene. Okay, we don't have to volunteer. But I think we should hang out more together. Darryl: We are hanging out-right now. You want some more of this? Michael: Look at these people. These are church-going people. And they know how to party. Phyllis: Church isn't a party, Michael. Michael: Well, it's, it's- Ryan: Welcome to the party. Everybody have their kool-aid? Michael: No. Okay, you know what? This is inappropriate. What is wrong with you guys? What is wrong with you? What is so horrible about wanting to get together and do something nice? Why did you guys even come today? What's so great about your lives that you think you're better than everybody else? That you can make fun of everybody else? You're mean. You're mean girls. Like the movie, Mean Girls. And Kevin and Stanley, if you don't stop worrying so much about what you're gonna put in your gullet, you're gonna die in about a month. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Oh, hey, Mee-Maw, would you watch Cece for a second? Don't worry. She's asleep. I'm just gonna track down some more chairs. Mee-Maw: Fine, fine. I guess I'll watch Suzanne's purse and your baby. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [standing in a line saying goodbye to the kids going to Mexico] Bye. Good luck. Good luck to you. Bye. Do good. Do good. Bye. Have fun. We're proud of you. [starts to walk down through the line and into the bus] Bye. Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [on the bus] Hey. Hey. Is this the bus to Mexico? Students: Yeah! [cheers, applause] Michael: [in reference to the team shirts] I'll take a shirt. Guy: Are you coming? Michael: If you'll have me, yes. Guy: Heck, yes. Michael: Really? [cheers, applause] Thank you. All right. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: [seeing Michael on the bus] Michael. Get off the bus. Michael: No, I'm not. I'm staying on the bus. I'm already on the bus. I'm going. Gabe: Michael, this is irresponsible. Michael: It is not irresponsible! I have never been more confident about a decision in my life. Darryl: I agree. I think it's superb. Gabe: Well, you have a job to do. Okay, there is no off-season when it comes to printer sales. Michael: You know what, my job will be here when I get back. Andy: Michael, you can't go to Mexico. You don't have your passport. Guy: [sticking his head out Michael's window on the bus] You don't need one to get in. Plus, we can just have it sent to him down in Mexico. Michael: Hey, right? Phyllis: Michael, what am I supposed to tell my clients if they ask about you? Michael: Tell them that I died, and I turned into an angel, and when they feel a breeze in a room with all the windows closed or that-that chill on the back of their neck, that is just me watching over them. Phyllis: Okay, but what about the bigger corporate accounts? Michael: Tell them that I'm in a meeting. Dwight: Michael, I'm just about to close a sale. Can I authorize a 15% discount? Michael: No, you may not. Dwight: Gah! Erin: I think it's really cool, Michael. I wish I had a job that I could just leave. Michael: Thank you. Andy: [looking at Erin] Save me an aisle seat, Michael! I'm coming! [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: I will not stand idly by while these Mexican villagers are sick. Guy: We're actually building them a school. Andy: Whatever. I won't-I won't stand for it. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [waving goodbye as the bus drives away] See you in a few months. [SCENE_BREAK] Girl: If the whole world were like you guys, we wouldn't have so many problems. Michael: Mm. That's not gonna happen. Andy: We're one in a million. Girl: I know. Nobody I know would leave their jobs and friends and families to do manual labor for three months. Michael: Well, you know what, everybody thinks that I am crazy, and that tells me that I am the sanest person I know. So... Andy: Just a heads up. Probably gonna be borrowing a few things. Uh, gonna need a contact lens case, some sunscreen, some sandals... [SCENE_BREAK] Toby: [standing in the church sanctuary, talking to the stained glass] Why you always got to be so mean to me? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: [seeing Cece gone from the couch he left her] Uh, MeeMaw, where's Cece? MeeMaw: I don't know. I lost the purse too. Jim: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Good-bye, Lackawana County. Michael: How long till we get to Mexico? Andy: Well, two days minus how long we've been on the road. 45 minutes? So, like, two days basically. Maybe more. Michael: Ooh. What are we building down there again? Like, a hospital? A school for Mexicans? What? Andy: I don't know, I thought it was like a gymnasium or... Michael: Why aren't they building it themselves? Andy: They don't know how. Michael: Do we know how? I don't know how. You know how? Andy: Well, Carla knows. Michael: Carla knows. Oh, I feel like there were so many more people on this bus. There were, like, 200, 300 people before. Hey, Carla? Carla? Hi. What are you doing? Carla: Oh, trying to sleep. Michael: What is happening? Oh, God, what is happening? Andy: Do you smell like a weird, warm cheese? Michael: Oh, God, you know what? I'm gonna be in Mexico for my half-birthday. Andy: And the Christmas party. Michael: And Cinco de Mayo. Andy: Nah, no. We'll be back before that. Michael: No, we-No. You know how these things go. Construction projects, they say three months, and then, after two years, the lazy bums haven't even started. Now we're those lazy bums. I gotta get off this bus. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Hey, guys, has anybody seen the baby? Phyllis: Here's her carrier, but no Cece. Jim's Dad: Jim, Jim, I want to give a toast. Where's the little girl of honor? Jim: I don't know, dad. I don't know. Doug: I don't mean to bug, but do you know when those subs are due into port? I got a hungry bunch of Mcphersons over there. Jim: I don't know. Hey, have you seen my baby? Doug: I think maybe some blonde lady had her. Jim: A small blonde woman? Doug: Smaller than me. Jim: Uh, everyone? Everyone, can I just have your attention? Has anyone seen a small-[pointing to Angela] Stop that tiny blonde woman! She stole my baby! Angela: [as Kevin runs to grab her] What are you doing? Kevin: [reaching into her purse] Give me the baby! Angela: What? Kevin! Helene: [holding the baby, walks up to Jim] Hi, honey. I was just changing the baby. Jim: [baby voice] Hi. Pam: [walks up] Honey. Jim: [to Cece] Hi. [to everyone] All right. Travel safe, Angela. Angela: Did you think I stole your baby? Jim: What's that? Oh, yeah, back then I did. Just now. So, don't, because I've got my eye on you. Kevin: [gasping as he looks into Angela's purse] Look at these scones, Jim. Thousands of them. What kind of a person steals scones from a baby? Angela: Someone put them in my bag. Doug: [to Pam] So that was lunch, eh? Mcpherson troop, let's haul out. Rendezvous at Friendly's. Pam: Did you lose Cece? Jim: Yeah. Yeah, a little bit. I did. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Can you fake a seizure or a heart attack or something? Andy: I can make myself cry. Michael: Do that. Do it. Andy: Should I-I got it. I got it. [walks up to the bus driver] Um, hey, I saw a sign for a scenic overlook coming up. Really love to check out the view. Bus driver: Can't stop. We're on a schedule. Andy: Well, uh, there's a nice bistro coming up. We could pick up some Paninis for the road. Bus driver: Maybe we'll stop in Tennesseee. It's not safe to talk to a driver. Michael: [having walked up to the front] Okay, driver, driver, if you're not gonna stop this bus, then I'm going to stop it for you. Okay? Hang on. [pulls the string to request a stop, makes a dinging sound] Bus driver: Stopping in Tennessee. Guy: Hey, is there a problem, you guys? Michael: Yeah, just get him to stop the bus, please. Guy: Why? Andy: Just make him stop the freaking bus! Michael: Stop the bus, okay? Carla: Are you okay, sir? Michael: I didn't sign up for this. You guys are young, that's great. You want to give back to society. I've done that. I need to take. Girl: You have plenty left to give. You're doing- Michael: Blah-di-blah! Andy: It doesn't matter. Michael: We could go back and forth all day. It's not gonna solve anything. Andy: If we went to Mexico, we'd probably screw everything up anyway. Michael: Do you want that for little Jessica? No, you don't. And the answer is clear. Stop the bus. Okay? Andy: Stop the bus! Michael and Andy: [shouting and clapping] Stop the bus! Stop the bus! Guy: Okay, stop the dang bus. Michael: [bus stopping] Okay, well, a pleasure. Go save the world. We'll keep an eye on America for you. Another guy: [getting off the bus] Wait for me! [bus drives away] Don't say anything to my parents. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: [driving up to pick up Michael, Andy, and kid off the road] Get in quick. Michael: Why quick? Erin: So it's faster. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Do you guys want me to take you home or go back to the church? Michael: Is anyone still at the church? Erin: No, actually most of them went to go see a movie. Michael: What? Shut up. Erin: Yeah. Kevin suggested it, and then they all went in Meredith's minivan. Michael: It is so nice to be back in a country that has movies. Erin: I bet. You guys. Guy: Can I come? [silence] Erin: Oh, Lake Wobblegone's on. Do you guys-are you cool with that? Radio: "... banana bread, but Fred Nordquist had no appetite. He was thinking about his pair of new boots. It'd been ten years after all. As he told Mrs. Nordquist, it would take two years to get comfortable with the new boots."	Plan: A: Cece; Q: What is the name of Pam and Jim's baby? A: Michael; Q: Who invites the entire office to celebrate Cece's christening? A: a church group; Q: What group does Michael join to go on a mission to Mexico? A: high school graduates; Q: What is the age of the church group that Michael joins? A: Erin; Q: Who does Andy want to impress on the mission trip? Summary: Pam and Jim's baby, Cece, gets christened and Michael invites the entire office to celebrate. Because of his feeling of being left, Michael joins a church group of high school graduates on a mission to Mexico, with Andy following along to impress Erin. However both of them end up backing out before even reaching there.
[Babylon. A crowded dancefloor. In the middle we see Brian who gets sucked by a trick. Nobody seems to care.] [Michael with the laundry. A old geezer cruising on him. After the end of the program Michael bend over, thinks of it and turns around that the old man cannot watch his butt. After that in Michaels flat.] Michael: I lost a sock and a pair of shorts but I will not get down to the kripmaster. Ben? [Ben siting at the couch and reading.] Ben: Uh, yeah? Michael: I've said there was this guy down... [no answer] This incredible hot guy and I was bending over to my laundry after the dryer. And he ripped off my pants and fcked the sh1t out of me. Ben: Uh huh. [Michael goes to the couch and throws on his lap.] Ben: Hey, what are you doin'? Michael: I'm reading the newspaper and... oh, the house market? Ben: Yeah, I'm looking for an apartment, Michael. Michael: You already have an apartment. Complete with compliences and floors and a built new boyfriend. Ben: I think it is the best with my own place. Michael: Yeah, but I think it is the best that you stay. [He kisses him.] Ben: Are you sure you wouldn't be here rather with Brian? [Michael thinks of it - cut to Brian, who's getting a blowjob in Babylon. And cut back to Michael] Michael: Well, I have to admit, it is tempting... but then I would miss out on all this pre-succing, spin-dry and not to mention having the hottest man in Pittsburgh they have my fluffing. [With that Michael drags Ben to lying at the Couch, he took his glasses off.] [Cut to the loft, the next day. Lindsay and Gus are there.] Brian: "Happy Carneval"? Are you out of your fcking mind? Lindsay: I like to think not. Brian: After the way they screw me don't you think I help the center to selfdistruct. Lindsay: Well that's exactly what might happen when we don't boosed our cooperated sponsorship and raise a hundred thousand. Brian: That's not my problem. [A naked trick is walking around the loft. Lindsay hems and hold her hand to Gus eyes.] Lindsay: Anything else here here that I should about? Brian: Hopefully not before I do. Lindsay: Look, it may be not your problem - but it is a very big problem for a lot of members of our community and the AIDS hospiz and homless teeny shelter. All I'm asking is for you volunteer a few hours of your time to help organized this fundraiser. Maybe call a few of our clients and see if they're willing to tribute. Brian: I don't do volenteer work. Lindsay: Oh thanks a lot Brian. I'll hope I didn't keep for from attending more important things. [Lindsay looks in the bedroom and see the tricks reading. But Brian looks at the computer to a car website.] Brian: However, the center had to come more... minimal agree? [Lindsay presents Brian's proposal to the GLC.] Philip: There is no way we're working with him. Tannis: It's out of question. Lindsay: I understand your reluctance to get involved. However, if he's willing to put himself - I said we should do the same. Tannis: Just what exactly is Mr.Kinney offering to do? Lindsay: Organized the event, bringing co-operate sponsorship... Philip: I said we're doin' fine without him. Lindsay: If you call selling 40 tickets doin' fine. Brian's put together a proposing to give the carneval a big new event. He also contact a few of his clients. And they agree to sponsor the event and match any funds we raise up to 100.000 dollars. [Both look at each other and smiles.] Tannis: Please extend to Mr.Kinney, the center is grated to devore of volunteer his time and efford. Lindsay: Well, he's not exactly volunteering. He wants 20% of the top. Philip: He expects us to pay him? For fundraising? Tannis: Is he kidding? Lindsay: His feeling is "would he have rather 100% of nothing or 80% of more than you ever fcking dreamed of"? [So Brian gets his new car - or his new old car - it's a classic.] Brian: So, what do you think? Can I buy it? Michael: $30,000 is a lot of money for an old car. Brian: It's not old - it's a classic. Michael: It's a high plan for paying it. Brian: Unless you cash. Michael: That's a seizable juck of change for a boyfriend replacement therapy. Brian: I don't have a boyfriend. I've never had a boyfriend. Michael: Right. Then it must be a midlife crisis. Brian: I'm only thirty... Michael: One. Brian: And since I'm planning of being death by the time of thirty-nine that's my way to do it. Michael: Yeah, I'll be sure to remind you by the time on your 60.birthday. Brian: C'mon, Mikey, relief now and be home by midnight. Michael: No fcking way! Ben nearly move out because of you. [Michael gets out of the car. Brian drives away.] [At the diner. Carl eats sweets and Debbie watches him.] Carl: Is that look for longing for me or for the cream? Debbie: Wouldn't you like to know? Carl: Want the last bite? Debbie: Hell no. I have actually a waist. Or haven't you noticed? Carl: Oh, I've noticed. Debbie: And...? Carl: And it's looking good. Real good. [he leans forward and kisses her.] Man: C'mon, Deb! Debbie: Um, orders up. Carl: I'll see you friday? Debbie: Yeah, I'll serve a lane... Carl: What do you say we skip the bowling this week - maybe have a litte dinner? Debbie: Friday is a three grams of fish in four pounched of steam keal. Carl: Hmm, my favourite. Afterwards we could watch tv. Debbie: Yeah, well the...the... sec downstairs are in the frits. The only one who's working is the one in my bedroom. Carl: I know. [Both laughing. Debbie gets the orders and serves to Emmett and Ted.] Ted: So, Deb, what's it like doin' with a cop? Emmett: Does he connect to strip search? Ted: Hank-off over the bed? Emmett: Or curious things...? Debbie: Do you know what MYOB stands for? Mind your own fcking business. [she goes away.] Ted: Should there be an F in there? Emmett: Hmmm. [Brian comes in. He goes over to Justin, who's cleaning some desk.] Brian: I have a proposition. [Justin gives him a look.] A business proposition. Justin: What'd you have in mind? Brian: A poster. Something hot and brilliant. And something by tomorrow. (Justin gives him a dubious look) Brian: I wouldn't ask you if I didn't think you could do it. Justin: And if you weren't desperate. Brian: Yeah, that too. Justin: What's it for? Brian: It's for the Center carnival. Justin: (laughing) You fcking hate the Center! Brian: Not when they're paying me. So how much do you want? Justin: It's for a good cause, so it's free. Brian: Christ, didn't I teach you anything? Justin: $500. Brian: $200. Justin: $500, take it or leave it. Brian: I like the way you do business. [Mel and Lindsay's home.] Lindsay: [speechless] You had the procedure? Mel: Like you've said that was no big deal. He did it in the office, zapp me with the laser a couple of ditches... Lindsay: You should have told me, I'd have come. Mel: I had something to do with my own... like bungee jumping. Lindsay: I hope that's not next. Mel: I mean, face my fear, head on and hope I splat. Lindsay: And did you land splat? Mel: Everything is fine. He said I can get pregnant right away. Lindsay: Oh, Mel. [Lindsay umbrace her.] Mel: I guess you're right - I was just using it as an excuse. Lindsay: It doesn't matter. Mel: It matters a lot because I want to be the one who carry our next child. Lindsay: Are you sure? [Mel nods] Lindsay: So we could a little Melanie? Mel: Or Melvin. Lindsay: By next christmas. Mel: Now we have to do is the pick up a donate. Lindsay: I thoughed we already had one. Mel: There is no fcking way - Brian Kinney's fcking sperma come into me. Lindsay: I speak from experience. Mel: Well, after all that grief he cost us? We are not make the same mistake twice. Lindsay: I understand exactly how your feel. But what if something happen to us? A fatal accident... Mel: Bungee jumping? Lindsay: I am serious! At least our kids have the same father. Mel: Oh, some father - a selfish, promiscuous... who know if he is negative? Lindsay: Whoever it is he have to be tested. But think of Gus - allways there to write a check, put up a swing set, safe our wedding from desaster - honestly Mel, he's not the old Brian, he's changed, bottom line. Without him our kids wouldn't be related. [The boys are doing sit-ups at the gym.] Ted: Who's the hottie? Michael: My boyfriend. Ted: The other hottie? Emmett: Uh, looks like Tarzan. Brian: Sounds like Jane. He use steroids as he can. Emmett: Steroids? Brian: Yeah, surprise there is no second asshole. Debbie: Not to mention mood swings and his balls shrings. [The boys - especiall Michael are shocked to see Debbie here.] Michael: Ma, what are you doin' here?! Debbie: Same thing you are. Brian: Cruising for a blowjob? Debbie: Jesus Ma, you already go to the same bars, the same clubs I do. Now you even come to the same gym!? Can't I have one place in the world that is my own? Debbie: So you want to be my workout buddies? [Horrified Michael gets up and leaves. Ted, Emmett and Debbie go on the treadmills together.] Emmett: Looking good, girl! Ted: Your privat dick things too. Debbie: I told you I have no intention to turning the most intimate tales of my personal life in gym gossip like you, gay guys. Ted: In other workd - you haven't done it yet. Debbie: It doesn't because he is not interested. It's just in a while since I worked out. I didn't want to disappoint him. Ted: Well, if anyone knows how to please your man - it's Em. Emmett: Hush. All you need is a little refresher course. And who better instruct you than Professors Honeycutt and Schmidt? Ted: Doctors of dickology. [In the locker room Michael goes carefully in - looks everywhere.] Michael: She's not in here, isn't she? Ben: Who? Michael: My mother. Ben: It's the men's locker room. Michael: You'll think that'll stop her? Man#1: Full hour in the court and I'm look a pound. Man#2: Hey Ben. Ben: Hey, how's goin'? Man#2: Good. Man#1: Remember those 5 minutes in the 90s where everyone want to put up weight because there meant to be dying? At least we're not goin' to that goddamn hospice - talk about depressing. Ben: So, who's in there, Paul? Man#1: Uh, didn't you hear? He died last night. [Cut to Justin and Ethan. Justin working at the computer.] Ethan: [to the phone] Alright, I'll be there. Even if it means incurring Ishigura's wrath for not practicing my Bartok. I'll don't know, I ask him. [to Justin] Hey Jus, my friend Callie wants to know if my imaginary lover will be there? Justin: Tell them I'd rather eat sh1t and die. Ethan: [to the phone] He says he'd can't wait to meet you. Yeah, I'll talk to you later. [he hangs up] Now why do you have to be so antisocial? Justin: I'm not antisocial. I just can't stand people! Ethan: C'mon, you have a great time. Justin: Chatting and failing about abandoned film in a room full of strangers? Ethan: Oh my god you're a bigger fcking snop than I am. That's why I love you. What's this? Justin: It's a poster I'm working on for a charity event. Ethan: I wish somebody would throw a benefit for us. Justin: Actually, I'm getting paid. Ethan: Like, as in dollars? Justin: As in $500. Ethan: No sh1t, how did you swing that? Justin: Someone I know. Ethan: (laughs) Oh, someone you know! Someone we both know? Justin: (defensively) He needed an artist. Ethan: And even though he works with dozens of them every day in his office, he miraculously thought of you. Justin: Maybe he thought I was the best qualified for the job. Ethan: Or maybe he's just trying to win you back. Justin: He can try all he wants. What makes you think I would ever go? Ethan: Oh, I don't know, he's rich, he's gorgeous, he can make cash magically appear? Justin: fck the money. fck him. I want to be with you. Ethan: Prove it. Justin: I'm not gonna prove it. Ethan: C'mon. Justin: How do I love the 'Let-me-count-the-ways' Ethan: Oh, you can do better than that. [With that he tosses Ethan at the bed and give him a blowjob.] [At the bar in Woody's.] Mel: No, this ones is one me. Brian: So, what do you want this time? Lindsay: We've decided to give Gus a sipling. Brian: And when we gonna do this? We have 2 hours. Lindsay: Oh, not now! Brian: Well, when did you want it? Lindsay: I don't. Mel: There a slight change of plans - I'm going to be the one to carry out our next child. Brian: [laughs] You!? I thoughed you can't have one. Mel: I had intrometriosis. Lindsay: But she's cured. Brian: There is a lord. Lindsay: So, what do you say? Brian: It's impossible. Besides, I agreed to inseminate you, not your husband. Lindsay: But if you choose someelse our kid won't be related. Brian: Have you ever meet my sister? That's not much of an argument. Lindsay: But we had a deal! Brian: You were the ones who changed the terms. [Brian gets up and walks out.] Mel: I'd say that went well! [Private coaching time with Professor Honeycut and Professor Schmidt - and alot of dildos.] Debbie: Jesus Christ! Do you realised that people eat here? Emmett: There all fresh new. Ted: And picked from the pleasure boutice. Debbie: I just want to sleep with the guy not drill for oil. Emmett: Well that's why we brough these things to help you arceive the goal. Which would you say most resembles to Detective Horvath? Debbie: How the hell would I know!? I've only kissed him. Now put those things away. Ted: Not so fast. Now, you ask for our help and that's why we've come to teach you... Emmett: The Art of Oral sx. Ted: We're gonna shared with you secrets only gay men knows. Emmett: Techniques passed down from generation to generation since time in memorial. Ted: Once you've passed the course we're guarantee Horvath will forever guard you. Now, shall we begin? Emmett: All right, let us relaxed the jaw, rotating first cockwise, than counter cockwise, now wag the tongue. Ted: Next grab the shaft firmly with your right hand and creating a velvet wise. Emmett: Now open wide, being sure to cover your teeth allowed a smooth and unextracted entry. Debbie: Boys you know I love you - but I need to ask you one question. ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR fcking MINDS!? There is no way I'm gonna do this. Ted: There are parties in Beverly Hills where housewife pay thousand bucks a head... Emmett: So a week. Ted: To learn what we're teaching you for free. Emmett: Debbie, you're gonna make Horvath happy, don't you? Debbie: Sure I do. Ted: And do you have a good time yourself? Emmett: So what's the harm to do it the right way? [She spit out her gum, grab a small dildo, but the boys shake their heads. She take the biggest dildo at the table.] [In front of the liberty diner. Ben sitting on a bench, smoking. Michael comes from the diner.] Michael: Here, I have chili - you wanna get? Ben: Thank you. I am allright. Michael: I'm sorry. Ben: For what? Michael: For Paul. For you. Ben: I didn't expect that so soon. If I'd known, I would gonna see him more often. Michael: You were busy. Ben: Right. It's always an excuse not to visit someone you'd shared for life with, your bed. Michael: I'm sure he would understood. And forgave you the same way you forgave him. Ben: Why am I so goddamn angry at him right now? For getting it, for giving it to me. For not even bothering to take care of himself or watch what he ate. I would tell him nutrition is essential. And exercise, you gotta build up your muscle mass. But it was as if once he knew he had it, he figured I'm gonna die anyway so what the hell difference does it make? Michael: Luckily, you're not like that. Ben: Riiiight! Michael: You do everything you're supposed to do, everything you could possibly do Ben: And in spite of everything, I still end up in the hospital. Maybe he's right, maybe it doesn't matter. Michael: It does matter! The most important - you have to believe it does. [Michael wants to kiss him, but Ben reluctant.] [SCENE_BREAK] [Horvath has dinner at Debbie's.] Debbie: More meat? Carl: No, three gams and I've stuffed. Debbie: Now I have fruit for desert - I dunno if there's so excited. Carl: With you in the room what could be? Debbie: I'll get the fruit. [she stands up, but Carl leads Debbie at his lap.] Carl: Forget the fruit - I'll got a better idea. Debbie: I'm too heavy. Carl: Your beautiful. Debbie: I'll have a confession to make. I'm a little nervous. Carl: About what? Debbie: About this. I wanna be with you - it's just it's been a long time. Carl: How long? Debbie: Last century. Carl: Don't worry about it. I'll promised to be gentle. Maybe I'll teach you a few things. [They kiss each other.] [Cut to the loft. Brian is examining Justin's poster. Justin is standing tensely, arms folded across his chest, halfway across the room. ] Brian: The expression on his face needs to be more enticing, but more foreboding. "Enter at your own risk; prepare to be fcked." Justin: I think I can manage that. Brian: You could probably get a better view if you stood a little closer. [Justin moves in closer, standing next to Brian.] Brian: And his hips need to be more in profile to accentuate his cock. Justin: It's always about sx! Brian: Unless it's about death, but death doesn't sell tickets. [Enter Michael.] Michael: I've picked up Chinese food. I didn't know it was for three. Justin: I was just goin. We're done, right? Brian: Right. How much do I owe you? Michael: Foods on me. Brian: In that case allow me to supply the other things. [Later, after the dinner and with a joint. They giggle as they read the old schoolbook.] Brian: It just goes to show all life is a lesson. Michael: That's what Ben always says. His ex, Paul, the one who infected him, died. Brian: What a wonderful world. You'd have to be nuts or a selfish piece of sh1t to want to bring a child into it. Michael: You did. Brian: I'm sure as hell not to do it again, especially not for Melanie. She can go to a sperm bank. Michael: [giggle] Or scrape it off of the floor of the backroom at Babylon! Brian: Just give me one valid reason why any queer in his right mind would want to bring a kid into this world. Michael: [long pause] To piss off straight people! [Cut again to Deb/Horvath apres-sex.] Debbie: You are not disappointed, are you? Carl: Disappointed? I amazed. Debbie: Really? Carl: Escapially after all that lips and and how nervous you are. Debbie: What's that mean? Carl: Oh, nothing. Debbie: Don't do be nothing after a remark like that. Carl: Let's just say no-one can do just you with a little practise. From the way your... you know, lady, you could teach a class. [laughs] Debbie: Is that so? Carl: In fact I've heart from Beverly Hills - they charge a thousand dollars for... Debbie: But I was telling you the truth. This is the first time in years that I... Carl: Yeah, sure. Whatever. Debbie: You don't believe me? Well that's just fcking bad. Now you better take your suspicions and your suspendors and remove your butt from my bed! Carl: Baby? Debbie: NOW! OUT! GET OUT! [Brian and Justin are walking along Liberty Avenue.] Brian: Here's your fee. Plus a hundred dollars bonus for finishing on time. Justin: Thanks. Brian: And here's two tickets for tonight. One for you and one for Ethan. [Ethan comes along and kisses Justin.] Brian: I just admiring your boyfriend lastest creation. Ethan: An artist does his best work when he has somebody he loves to inspire him. Brian: So I've been told. Justin: We should go. Brian: See you tonight. Justin: Oh, Brian gave us two tickets to the center carneval. Ethan: I'm sure it would be a blast but we're already had our plans. Brian: Oh well, you can change your mind - your names are on the list. [Justin and Ethan walk off arm in arm, Brian watches them.] [At the diner, Debbie with Ted and Emmett.] Debbie: The special today is the Dick of Death. Food long, hot dog, creamy sauce on the side - don't make me repeat it. Both: Two specials. Emmett: Wait, wait, wait. So, how was it? Ted: Yeah, should your professor should give you a A? Debbie: Yeah, for asshole. Cause that is all your fault. Emmett: Well, he wasn't pleased? Ted: Impossible. I've defight any male, living or dead, not to response our tested technique. Emmett: Provided you follow our instructions. Debbie: Oh, I followed them. He responded every flick. Ted: Since so what's the problem? Debbie: The problem is he thinks I'm a whore! Emmett: I'm so proud! Debbie: Well, I never see him again. [At the other table, Melanie's doin some work at a list of names.] Mel: What about A73? 6'2'', blue eyes and a menta? Lindsay: Is that what you really want? [Brian comes up with come cream.] Brian: Cock cream? It's fresh from the morning. I've melked myself. [Lindsay giggles, but Mel didn't like it.] Mel: That's disgusting. Lindsay: [laughs] It's really disgusting. Brian: Bitches are offering some hand. That's offering to do. Lindsay: Wait, do you really mean it? Brian: Yeah, if it's a boy you can name it "Brian jr." Mel: And if it's a girl? Brian: Charity in honor of my donation. C'mon, let's go piss off some heterosexuals! [Cut to Ben busting ass at the gym, lifting weights like a maniac. Later he approaches Tarzan in the locker room.] Ben: Hey, I was wondering if you could me some help? Troy: You always brought some. Ben: Actually it's got more nutrition. Troy: Come with me. [Ted and Emmett go to the police station.] Emmett: Excuse us. Detective Horvath? Carl: What...uh... can I do for you, boys? Emmett: Uh, a dear friend of ours is in a little bit of trouble. Ted: Seems last night... a oral misscommunication accured? Carl: [to his partners] You haven't some work to do? What's the hell is all this about? Ted: Look, Debbie told us that you had s*x, or some heterosexual permutation there of. Carl: Jesus Christ, why you hanging it on the billboard? What we're doin in our bed isn't your business. Emmett: Actually it is. See, Debbie was worried that she wouldn't live up your expectations. Ted: That she let you down. So, we gave her a crash course. Emmett: Introduction of fellatio one-on-one. Ted: Emmett's the worlds theorities. Emmett: Anyway, young Deborah passed with honors... Ted: Magnacum laudly. Emmett: In fact she did so well you apparently... Ted: ...missguided her. Emmett: And think she's a slut. The truth is, detective, we're the sluts. Ted: Speak for yourself. Look, under all that dirty talk Debbie is just an old fashion girl who's only cry was only to please her man. [Cut to the party. Justin is bored witless.] Boy#1: Remember certain final is out of competition. Ethan: Pook Marta, she's astonishing talent but terrified to perform. Girl#1: And there is Georgio, musican at his best. Ethan: Yeah, but he put in front of audience and they dead. Girl#1: You my dear has nothing to worry about it. [Later. Justin smokes. Ethan goes to him.] Ethan: Having fun? Justin: Yeah, it's great. Ethan: Liar. Justin: No, your friends are really smart and funny. I guess I'm just nervous, that's all. Ethan: Don't be! You're with me! [He kisses Justin. One of Ethan's friends walks up.] Boy#2: So this is the imaginary boyfriend. Ethan tells me you're an artist. Justin: That's right. Boy#2: What kind of stuff do you do? Justin: Lately I've been manipulating classical form with digital imagery. Boy#2: So you're not just a pretty face. Justin: No. I got a pretty big cock as well. And I give one hell of a blowjob. Right Ethan? [Cut to Babylon and the Carnival.] Man: Welcome to Carnival! Start with the butthole bingo. Whip-o-rama! And flaming dildo! [At butthole bingo - the guy take the balls up in his ass and throw some out. Kinda new form of lottery.] Man: B-13 [The GLC people are appalled.] Brian: Of 800 people are waiting to get in. Lindsay: Jesus Brian. Tannis: What is all this? Man: I-19. Brian: This is butthole bingo. And that is the remarkable gift of that young man. Tannis: That was not on the proposal you've submitted. Brian: Yeah, I took a few liberties. Philip: This was supposed to give a positive gay image. What kind of message do you think we're sending here? Brian: That all man created horny and it's ok. Mel: You really gone to far. Brian: Yeah well in any consulation to me, we're making 10k out of his ass. Man: O-69. [At Ethan's party. Justin wants to leave.] Justin: I'm gonna take-off. Ethan: Well, already? Justin: Yeah, I'm beat. Ethan: Alright, I'll go with you. Justin: No, you can stay here. I see you at home. Ethan: You sure? Justin: Yeah. Ethan: OK, love you. Justin: You too. [They kiss goodbye and Justin leaves.] [At Debbie's home. Carl knocks at Debbies door.] Carl: Can I come in? [Debbie says no word. She goes inside. They sit at the kitchen table.] Carl: You just finishing dinner? Debbie: I just starting. Three pounds of chicken, four pounds of lemon meat. Carl: Is that enough to keep up your stress? Debbie: Right, I have ten blowjobs to give before I'm done. Carl: I wish you wouldn't talk like that. Debbie: So experts talk. Carl: Yeah, I know. Two guys came to the police station today. That tall switch twink... Debbie: Emmett? Carl: And the one who looks like an accountand. Debbie: Ted. Carl: They explain all about your... education. How you went to the head of the class. Debbie: Well Emmett's get a big mouth. What else did they tell ya? Carl: That you did it for me. To please me. Debbie: I wouldn't do that for just anyone, you know? Carl: I know. Do you have any idea what that mean to me that you want to give me a pleasure that much? Debbie: I though that would people do when they care about each other. Carl: Which is why I enlisted detective carefully. There are two lesbians and they told me a little crash course of my own. Debbie: No! Carl: Oh yeah. Debbie: And how did go? Carl: It was very informative. In fact if you care to retire to the bootwar I have a homework assignment to do. [Back to Brian's Filthy Carnival. Ted and Emmett try to throw some ring about a dildo. Ted succeeded.] Michael: You have the perfect aim. Ted: Yeah, expect the morning when I have to pee. Oh, this is for you. Emmett: My hero. Michael: That reminds me of Ben. Ted: It's too bad he couldn't come to Brians Filthy Carnival. Michael: He's still bumped out about Paul. [At spot Ben comes in, in a really good mood.] Michael: What are you doin' here? Ben: I though there might be surprises. [Home with the lesbians from the carnival.] Mel: Changed my ass. Brian's still the same irresponsible fucker he always was. Lindsay: On the other hand he did the center almost a hundred thousand... Mel: Yeah and humiliated them in the process. Lindsay: That didn't stop them from accepting the money. Mel: So it is a good reminder. Lindsay: Of what? Mel: That he is a loose cannon, not to be trusted. And definately not that kind of person I want as the father of my child. Lindsay: Oh, c'mon! Mel: I am serious. Lindsay: No, you've been ridiculous. Mel: You actually expected me to have a baby with someone like that? Lindsay: I did. Mel: Well, that was your decision. This one is mine and I say - I want someone else. [Back to the carnvial. Justin walks in. Brian spots him immediately.] Brian: You made it. Justin: Thought I'd see how it was going. Brian: Where's Ian? Justin: Ethan. He's with his friends Brian: You should've brought him. Justin: No, I don't think so. Brian: Maybe he would've learned a few things they don't teach in college. [half naked guy sidles up to Brian] Justin: Guess I'd better go. Brian: Tell him that we've missed him. [Outside Babylon, a guy is sitting on Brian's new car.] Brian: You want to move your ass? Guy: A cool car. Brian: Thanks. Guy: I always want to have one. Brian: No sh1t. Guy: Most have cost a lot. Brian: Actually it was a charity contribution. You want to take you for a ride? Guy: I like that. [They get in and drive away.] Music: Infra Riot - The Soundtrack of Our Lives	Plan: A: his personal expertise; Q: What does Brian lend to the Center fundraiser? A: Carnivale; Q: What is the name of the fundraiser that Brian organizes? A: his sperm; Q: What do Lindsay and Melanie ask Brian to lend them for their second child? A: Carl; Q: Deb is nervous about being intimate with who? A: Ben; Q: Who deals with the death of his former partner? Summary: Brian lends his personal expertise to the Center fundraiser and organizes 'Carnivale'. Lindsay and Melanie ask him to lend his sperm for their second child. Deb's nervous about being intimate with Carl, so Ted and Emmett divulge priceless gay-man secrets. Ben deals with the death of his former partner.
THE CAVES OF ANDROZANI BY: ROBERT HOLMES Part Two Running time: 25:00 [SCENE_BREAK] CHELLAK: Check weapons. [SCENE_BREAK] CHELLAK (on screen): Dismiss. MORGUS: Whatever his defects as a Commander, Chellak certainly brings a certain style to these things, does he not? PRESIDENT: Indeed, though I feel the decision to execute was precipitative. Some useful information might have been extracted from them. MORGUS: They were merely ignorant handlers, Excellency. The stews of the city are full of such unemployed riff-raff. PRESIDENT: Most of them unemployed, Trau Morgus, because you have closed so many plants. It's caused great unrest. MORGUS: Easily settled. Those without valid employment cards will be shipped off to the eastern labour camps. PRESIDENT: Yes, we might make that seem morally justifiable. I'll put your interesting suggestions to the Praesidium tomorrow. MORGUS: Naturally, should any special funding be required? PRESIDENT: Most generous. Of course, the irony is while you've been closing plants here in the west, you've been building them in the east. So if the unemployed were sent to the eastern labour camps, a great many of them would be working for you again, only this time without payment. MORGUS: I hadn't thought of that. PRESIDENT: Of course you hadn't. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Ahem. JEK: Ah, Doctor. And Peri. Welcome, indeed. I've been so looking forward to this meeting. DOCTOR: Sharaz Jek, I presume. JEK: What remains of him. JEK: Sit down. You must be tired. DOCTOR: Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] CHELLAK: Androids! But so lifelike. I could have sworn they were human. SALATEEN: Sharaz Jek is improving. CHELLAK: His creatures? Do you think he's using them now for gun-running? SALATEEN: He must be, sir. They'd have to pass for real back on Major, that's why CHELLAK: Yes, of course. The man must be a genius in his way. SALATEEN: Shall you inform the Praesidium? CHELLAK: Salateen, how can I? If it ever gets out that I executed two androids, I'd be the butt of the army. I'd be finished. SALATEEN: It needn't get out, sir. Apart from ourselves, only Ensign Cass is aware of this. CHELLAK: Cass? SALATEEN: He could be sent on a deep penetration mission. Very few return. [SCENE_BREAK] JEK: Then if you're not from Androzani Major, where are you from? Earth? PERI: Yes. DOCTOR: No. PERI: Er, not exactly. DOCTOR: We travel a lot. JEK: Interesting. We shall have a lot to talk about. I was a doctor myself once, before the study of androids took over my life. DOCTOR: Really. Well of course it would be fascinating to stay and talk, but actually once we've rested, if you could just point us towards the surface? JEK: No, Doctor. You must stay here now. PERI: Stay? For how long? JEK: I shall make you comfortable, and after a few years you'll be quite content living here with me. Quite content. [SCENE_BREAK] KRELPER: Stotzy? The guys ain't taking no more of this. STOTZ: No more of what? KRELPER: We want paying and we want out. STOTZ: Do you? KRELPER: According to contract. STOTZ: According to contract, huh? The contract says you'll get paid back on Major. KRELPER: A two day job, you said. STOTZ: A two day job, I said, if we was lucky. But we weren't lucky, were we, Krelper, and your luck's run out right now. KRELPER: Hey, take it easy, take it easy. STOTZ: You guys have got one option. You can either stick with me or you can stay here. KRELPER: Hey, cut it out, Stotzy. STOTZ: It's your rotten black heart I'm going to cut out. KRELPER: No! For pity's sake, Stotz. STOTZ: The boss gave me one of these. (a small tablet) Ten seconds, he said. Let's see if it works. KRELPER: Oh no, Stotzy, no! STOTZ: Come on, you slat, bite. Come on, bite! Bite! STOTZ: Next time, it'll be for real. STOTZ: Oh, and in case you lunkheads get any other ideas, there's something I haven't told you. That ship we've got out there on autohold? It won't take an order without a release code. So if you guys want to see Major again, you'd better make pretty certain nothing ever happens to me. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: What is the matter? PERI: Cramp. DOCTOR: Try touching your toes. That's it. And again. JEK: Working up an appetite? Salateen is bringing your food shortly. DOCTOR: Salateen? We've not met him yet. Where's he chained up? JEK: Chains are unnecessary, Doctor, as you will discover. PERI: Why are you keeping us here? JEK: Oh, my exquisite child, how could I ever let you go? The sight of beauty is so important to me. JEK: And the stimulus of a mind nearly equal to my own. DOCTOR: Thank you. JEK: I've missed so much of life these last lonely years, but your arrival has changed all that. We shall become the best of companions. DOCTOR: What do you say, Peri? We can go on nature walks, have picnics and jolly evenings round the camp fire. JEK: Don't mock me, Doctor. Beauty I must have, but you are dispensable. DOCTOR: Thank you. JEK: You have the mouth of a prattling jackanapes but your eyes, they tell a different story. It's of no matter. I shall break you to my will. And if I can't break you, I shall kill you, while you, my child, shall live forever. PERI: Nobody lives forever. DOCTOR: He means it will seem like forever. JEK: Spectrox is the key to eternal youth, holding at bay the ravages of time. The flower of your beauty will be as permanent as a precious jewel, untarnished by the passing centuries. DOCTOR: Well, now we know why Spectrox is the most valuable substance in the universe. JEK: And it's mine, all of it! DOCTOR: Until the army take it away from you. JEK: The possibility does not exist. I know every move they make. PERI: Knowing what they're doing and stopping them are two different things. DOCTOR: Exactly. This General is working to a plan. I've seen his operations board. JEK: Then see mine. JEK: The green area is held by the army. DOCTOR: So, they've already sealed you off to the north. JEK: Already? To get that far it has taken Chellak six months and hundreds of casualties. Computing that rate of advance, it will be another five years before I'm seriously threatened. DOCTOR: Oh, what's five years when you're having a good war? JEK: The people of Androzani Major will not wait for their Spectrox. Long before then, they will rise in protest and the Praesidium will be forced to agree to my terms. PERI: What are your terms, Sharaz Jek? JEK: They can have all the Spectrox they want when I have the head of Morgus here at my feet. I want the head of that perfidious, treacherous degenerate brought to me here, congealed in its own evil blood. [SCENE_BREAK] TIMMIN: Trau Morgus? MORGUS: Yes, what is it? TIMMIN: The Northcawl copper mine, sir. There's been a disaster. I thought you should know. MORGUS: What kind of disaster? TIMMIN: An explosion, sir, early this morning. The mine has been completely destroyed. MORGUS: How sad. However, the loss of Northcawl eliminates our little problem of over-production. The news should also raise the market price of copper. TIMMIN: Undoubtedly, sir. MORGUS: As they used to say on Earth, every cloud has a strontium lining, Krau Timmin. TIMMIN: Yes, indeed. MORGUS: As a mark of respect for one of our late executives, I want every employee to leave his place of work and stand in silence for one minute. TIMMIN: I'll network that order immediately, sir. MORGUS: No, on second thoughts, make that half a minute. TIMMIN: Half a minute? [SCENE_BREAK] PERI: He's mad, Doctor. Utterly mad. DOCTOR: And a raving egoist. Said my mind was nearly the equal of his. Incredible conceit. PERI: Why do you think he hates Morgus so much? DOCTOR: Not just Morgus, probably one amongst a vast majority. Ah, Salateen. I'd know you anywhere. I'm the Doctor, this is SALATEEN: I know who you are. DOCTOR: Yes, well, I've been looking forward to this meeting. SALATEEN: Why? DOCTOR: Well, fellow prisoners. How long have you been here? SALATEEN: Months. DOCTOR: That's right. You see, you're an old lag, Salateen. You know the ropes. PERI: What is this stuff? SALATEEN: Nutrition. PERI: Does it taste as bad as it looks? SALATEEN: Worse. DOCTOR: And you probably know the best way out of here. DOCTOR: You mean you don't, or you won't tell us. SALATEEN: It's impossible. DOCTOR: Do you detect a certain coolness? PERI: Ice cold. I don't think anybody likes us. SALATEEN: Like you? Now he has you for company, he will kill me. DOCTOR: Kill you? Ow! PERI: Doctor, what's wrong? DOCTOR: Cramp, same as you had. PERI: Hold on, is that better? SALATEEN: You both have cramp? PERI: Yes. SALATEEN: You haven't touched a Spectrox nest, have you? DOCTOR: A Spectrox nest? If you mean a large fuzzy, sticky ball SALATEEN: You have. PERI: What's so funny? SALATEEN: You're dying. DOCTOR: Oh, marvellous sense of humour. Try not to get hysterical. What do you mean, we're dying? SALATEEN: And Sharaz Jek thought he had company for life. Cramp is the second stage. First a rash, then spasms, finally slow paralysis of the thoracic spinal nerve and then TDP. PERI: TDP? SALATEEN: Thermal death point. It's called Spectrox toxaemia. I've seen dozens die from it. DOCTOR: What's the cure? SALATEEN: Oh, there's no cure. Wait till Jek finds out. PERI: He's kidding, isn't he? No, I guess not. SALATEEN: I'm sorry. I don't suppose you see the funny side of it. DOCTOR: What is a Spectrox nest? SALATEEN: Deposits left by the bat colonies. Raw Spectrox contains a chemical similar to mustard nitrogen. It's deadly to humans, so they use the androids to collect the stuff and take it to the refinery. DOCTOR: We haven't seen any bats. SALATEEN: The androids probably destroyed most of them. They spend a chrysalid stage in the nest. Three year life cycle. PERI: There has to be an antidote to this Spectrox toxaemia. I mean, if it's a snake venom effect, there has to be a serum or antitoxin. SALATEEN: There is. It was discovered years ago by Professor Jackij. DOCTOR: Well, don't keep us in suspense. SALATEEN: You need the milk from a queen bat. Trouble is, they've all gone down to the deeps to die, so you can't reach them. PERI: Why not? SALATEEN: Well, for a start, there's no oxygen down there. DOCTOR: What else? You said, for a start. SALATEEN: There's some kind of creature down there. Probably lives in the magma and comes up to the surface to hunt. It's a carnivore. PERI: What's it like, this creature? SALATEEN: Nobody's ever run into one and lived to talk about it. All they ever find are its table leavings. JEK: Yes? STOTZ (OOV.): Jek? Stotz. I want an RV. JEK: Why? You lost the delivery. [SCENE_BREAK] STOTZ: Jek, your people fouled up, not ours. [SCENE_BREAK] JEK: I don't pay for undelivered goods. STOTZ (OOV.): Now listen, Jek. If you don't pay for this consignment, we don't come back again ever. Understand? JEK: I can't keep this line open. I'll meet you. Shaft twenty six, yellow level, in one hour. DOCTOR: This delightful process you describe so graphically, how long does it all take? SALATEEN: You're in the second stage now. You'll be dead in another two days. DOCTOR: Can't waste any more time here. SALATEEN: Go through that door, Doctor, and you'll be dead in two seconds. PERI: Why? SALATEEN: There's an android permanently on guard out there. Jek's androids are programmed to kill humans on sight. PERI: We were brought here by two of Jek's androids. SALATEEN: Oh, they can follow orders, but normally all humans without belt plate rank as targets. He even wears one himself. DOCTOR: How do these belt plates work? DOCTOR: Yes, probably they emit some low frequency magna waves or even a neutrino pattern keyed to the android's spectrum length. JEK: Congratulations, Doctor. You're very close. You understand something of android engineering. DOCTOR: Something. JEK: In that case you will appreciate what a masterpiece my facsimile of Salateen is. The perfect android. DOCTOR: Nearly perfect. JEK: Entirely perfect. [SCENE_BREAK] CHELLAK: What a planet! Very well, set a party to work checking the mud barriers. R-SALATEEN: I took the liberty of ordering that to be done, sir. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: What happens now? JEK: Well, I have to negotiate with my arms suppliers. They want full payment in Spectrox. I shall offer them half. DOCTOR: Well, if you have to go to arbitration, I have had some experience. JEK: Your sense of humour will be the death of you, Doctor. Probably quite soon. DOCTOR: Emotional sort of fellow. PERI: Why does he always wear that hood? JEK: You want to know why? You, with your fair skin and features, you want to see the face under here? Do you! JEK: You're wise. Even I can't bear to see or touch myself. I, who was once, once comely, who was always a lover of beauty. And now I have to live in this exile. I have to live amongst androids because androids do not see as we see. DOCTOR: What happened? JEK: Morgus. Why I ever trusted that Fescannine bag of slime. I built an android workforce to collect and refine the Spectrox. We'd agreed to share the profits, but he'd already planned my death. When the mud burst caught without warning, how he must have gloated. But I tricked him. I reached one of the baking chambers and I survived, just. PERI: You were burned? JEK: Scalded near to death. The flesh boiled, hanging from the bone, but I lived. I lived so that one day I could revenge myself on that inhuman monster. And I shall. DOCTOR: More of a tennis player than a cricketer. PERI: He didn't say why he blames Morgus. SALATEEN: I've heard the story fifty times. Morgus supplied faulty detection instruments so the mud burst caught Jek by surprise. He didn't have time to get the barriers down. DOCTOR: I see. Well, Peri, I think it's time we were toddling along. PERI: Well, how can we, with an android guard outside? DOCTOR: Well, let's take a look. [SCENE_BREAK] STOTZ: Jek! JEK: Ah, so there you are, Stotz. I thought that you could make it. STOTZ: Damn you, man. This is the second time you've made me wait for three days, and then you only give me an hour's warning for a meet. JEK: I'm a busy man. STOTZ: Okay, so where's the Spectrox? JEK: In my strongroom. STOTZ: Now listen, Jek. Five kilos was the price we fixed, and five kilos is what we're taking back to Major. JEK: Why should I pay for weapons I never received? Why should I pay because you blundering idiots let the army take them? STOTZ: You'll pay, Jek, because we took the risk to get them here on time. You'll pay because if you don't, we won't be doing business no more. Not so much as a single bullet. [SCENE_BREAK] PERI: Satisfied? DOCTOR: Hmm. The androids are programmed to kill humans. Well, my physiology is quite different. The question is, will it know that? PERI: Don't try it, Doctor. DOCTOR: Sorry, Peri, no alternative. Just keep back. SALATEEN: What does he mean, he's not human? PERI: Shush. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Hello. DOCTOR: What a clever little android you are. Now, we'll just cut your solenoids. DOCTOR: Won't hurt a bit. DOCTOR: It's all right, you can come out now. PERI: Oh, Doctor. For a minute there I thought DOCTOR: Yes, well, never mind. It's all over now. Ah, what have we here? This might be useful if we come across any more androids. SALATEEN: Where are you going? DOCTOR: To find the queen bat. SALATEEN: I told you, there's no oxygen down there. DOCTOR: We'll collect some oxygenators from the TARDIS. Come along. [SCENE_BREAK] JEK: Two kilos, Stotz. STOTZ: Five. JEK: It seems we're unable to reach an agreement. Try somewhere else for your Spectrox. STOTZ: Oh, come on, Jek. Be reasonable. JEK: Two kilos is very reasonable. STOTZ: You're sitting on tons of the stuff. JEK: And I know what it fetches per ounce. That's why your threat to cut off my arms supply carries no weight. I can obtain weapons anywhere. STOTZ: The boss isn't going to like this. JEK: That is your problem, Stotz. STOTZ: Okay, so where's the two kilos? JEK: I'll bring it. Wait here. STOTZ: Be quick. I've got to call the ship down before sunrise. JEK: Twenty minutes. KRELPER: Oh, you really screwed him down, eh? Two kilos. What a deal. STOTZ: Don't you try and get smart with me again, Krelper. One thing I do know, that Spectrox is stored somewhere within ten minutes from here. KRELPER: Yeah. STOTZ: Yeah, Krelper. Tons and tons of Spectrox, just waiting for guys like us to help ourselves, eh? KRELPER: We'd have to blow Jek and his dummies first. STOTZ: We've got these protective belt buckles, haven't we. I think Sharaz Jek has fouled up in a big way this time. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: First of all, we need to find our way to the TARDIS. PERI: Doctor, look out! PERI: Doctor! PERI: Let me go! DOCTOR: Peri? Peri, where are you? Peri! Salateen! Peri! Peri! [SCENE_BREAK] JEK: She has been taken from me! [SCENE_BREAK] KRELPER: I reckon we've lost him. STOTZ: No, he went this way. KRELPER: No, he wouldn't have come down this deep. STOTZ: Come on, help us find him.	Plan: A: Sharez Jek; Q: Who rescues the Doctor and Peri from execution? A: Peri; Q: Who does Sharez Jek want to be with forever? A: execution; Q: What did Sharez Jek save the Doctor and Peri from? A: a shine; Q: What does Sharez Jek take to Peri? A: Spectrox Toxemia; Q: What is the name of the disease that kills the Doctor and Peri? A: the Spectrox nest; Q: What did the Doctor and Peri handle that caused them to be poisoned? A: first; Q: When did the Doctor and Peri enter the cave system? Summary: Sharez Jek and his androids save the Doctor and Peri from execution when he rescues them. Then he takes a shine to Peri and wants her with him forever. Later the Doctor and Peri find out they are dying from Spectrox Toxemia, having been poisoned when they handled the Spectrox nest upon first entering the cave system.
[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Carol: Boyd Crowder. Carol Johnson. I'd very much like you to be a part of the Black Pike security team. Boyd: I'm not sure if you're familiar with my background. Carol: Oh, Boyd, I know all about your background. In fact, it's what tells me you're exactly the man we need. Coover: Well, you can ask me, am I growin' reefer, and I will tell you no. Raylan: Coover, you throw a dead rat at my car, you're telling me you're a mean son of a bitch. Arlo: There. You happy now? Raylan: Well, you violated your tether range coming up here, Arlo. Arlo: Brought you your damn money, so you can just cut this thing off my leg. This feels quite a bit south of 20,000. Take it or leave it. The mortgage is upside down. Raylan: How much you need to keep the house? Winona: Is that gonna be your big play to win me? Raylan: I have savings. Winona: How much? Raylan: $800, $900, easy. Winona: Jesus. What am I gonna do? Raylan: The thing we're gonna do is put it back in the vault and... Winona: "We"? Raylan: We'll take it through the marshals' entrance. Winona: If this whole thing goes to hell, people are gonna know you're involved. Raylan: That's right. Art. Art: Charlie here? [ Locker door bangs ] Raylan: No. Art: Mm. Winona: Art. Art: Winona. Dickie: ♪ do do do-do do do ♪ Evenin', Mr. Eames. I already told you boys. Call me Reggie. Dickie: Reggie it is. You gonna invite us in...Reggie? Maybe you boys could come back tomorrow. My babies are sleeping in there. Coover: You know what? We ain't here to talk to your babies. [ Animal screeching ] What y'all got in that bag? Dickie: Ooh, what is in that bag? The good news is, Reggie, if you do the right thing, you won't have to find out what's in the bag. Boyd: Hello, Dick. Dickie: Well, how about that? If it ain't Mr. Boyd Crowder hisself. La-di-da. What are you boys up to now? Hmm? You got yourself some business up here, Boyd? Boyd: Oh, same as you, I'd wager... Except, of course, mine's legitimate. Dickie: I tell you what. Reggie, why don't you go ahead and tell Black Pike, "No, thank you, not interested," and send Mr. Crowder here on his way? Boyd: Mr. Eames is gonna hear out our offer, and then he's gonna make his own decision. Listen, boys, I'm just trying to do what's best by my family. Coover: That's what you should do. You should do what's best for your family. Dickie: Tomorrow morning, we will be back. That's right. And your signature, Reggie, We will be expected. You boys having a good night. Dickie: Thank you so much. Come on, Coov. ♪ We will be back ♪ ♪ oh, we will be back ♪ Boyd: You sign the land over to Black Pike, there won't be anything they can do about it. Yeah, not anything legal. Boyd: Well, I can provide protection for you and your family, provided that you agree to our terms. And if I don't? Boyd: Those boys will be back, and, chances are, you're gonna find out what's inside that duffel bag. I'm sure you'll make the right decision. [ Baseball thuds, bat cracks ] Art: You're dropping your shoulder. Raylan: No, I ain't. Art: Maybe you're not. I never played any baseball. Raylan: How'd you find me here? Art: Tracked your phone. Raylan: Tracked my phone? Art: Yeah, I called you a few times, you didn't answer, so I tracked your phone. It's not like landing on the moon. Raylan: What for? Art: Carol Johnson, that spokesperson for the coal mine. Raylan: Seemed like a bit of a ball buster. Art: You're going down to Harlan to be her security detail. You guys need to be wearing a helmet. Art: I'm not hitting. Uh, what are you doing in the batting cage, then? Raylan: Yeah, I-I couldn't find one that fit. Well, then you wear one that don't. Raylan: Okay. Sorry about that. The threat assessment identified judge Reardon as the probable target. Seriously, guys, read the sign... "No spikes, no seeds, no helmet, no hitting." Raylan: Nothing about "No beating the sh1t out of a teenager," though. I guess that'd be okay, then. Hey, I'll call the cops. Art: Kid, we are the cops. I guess you should know how to obey the law, then. Art: Pick her up at her hotel at 8:00 A.M. Take her down to Harlan to that town meeting. Unless she asks you a direct question, keep your coal-miner-loving mouth shout. You got it? Raylan: I got it. Art: Time's up. Raylan: [ Sighs ] [ Sighs ] He knows. Winona: What? Raylan: Art... He knows. Winona: What did he say? Raylan: [ Sighs ] What did he say? He didn't say nothing. Winona: Well, then, how do you know... Raylan: I can just tell. He knows. [ Shoe thuds ] Winona: Can he prove it? Raylan: I suppose he could poke around, check the records, figure it out. Winona: Well, is he gonna turn us in? Raylan: I would if I was him. Winona: [ Sighs ] What are we gonna do? [ Sighs ] ♪ On this lonely road ♪ ♪ trying to make it home ♪ ♪ doing it by my lonesome ♪ ♪ pissed off, who wants some? ♪ ♪ I'm fighting for my soul ♪ ♪ God get at your boy ♪ ♪ you try to bogard ♪ ♪ fall back, I go hard ♪ ♪ on this lonely road ♪ ♪ trying to make it home ♪ ♪ doing it by my lonesome ♪ ♪ pissed off, who wants some? ♪ ♪ I see them long, hard times to come ♪ [ Siren wailing ] [ Police radio chatter ] Boyd, I'm gonna need to see your license and registration. Boyd: Is there a problem here, Nicky? I pulled you over 'cause of your busted taillight. Boyd: What busted taillight? This busted taillight. Boyd: Doyle send you boys to find me? I don't know what you mean. But you add to that busted taillight the fact that you failed to produce a valid license or registration card, well, we got ourselves a bit of a problem here. Boyd: You tell Doyle and his brothers, if they want to talk to me, they know where I am. But right now, I'm gonna take my things, and I'm gonna go. I'm gonna need you to step out of this vehicle, Boyd. I ain't gonna ask you again. [ Radio turns on ] Raylan: Can we please turn that off? [ Volume decreases ] Carol: You know, when I requested you, I... Raylan: Requested me? Carol: Yeah. When I requested you, I was told you were a stud U.S. marshal. But all you seem to me is hung over. Raylan: Well, anybody tries anything, I got both hands free with which to shoot. Carol: And you can see them from underneath the brim of that hat, can you? Raylan: Eyes on the road, please. Carol: I also was told you were brave. Is that true? Trying to be whatever's required. So, if this suspect of yours... Raylan: Kirby Jr.? Carol: Yeah. Kirby Jr. Raylan: Same guy who called in the courthouse bomb threat. Carol: That's right. If he... if he tries to kill me, would you give your life to save mine? Raylan: Miss Johnson, if I'm dead and gone to heaven, how do I know I saved your life? [ Cellphone buzzing ] Carol: Raylan, wouldn't heaven know if you saved my life? Raylan: You got me. Carol: This is Carol Johnson. Raylan: Are you familiar with the hands-free law? Carol: Will you just pipe down? Yes, I'll accept the charges. What in the hell happened?! Are you kidding me?! Oh, for the love... All right. No, no, no. You know what? I don't even want to hear it. Just never mind. Tell me when we get there. Raylan: It sounded like the kind of call someone gets from someone in jail. Carol: Very good, marshal. Raylan: So, who we gonna bail out? Boyd: Well, it occurs to me that you were there to greet me the last time I got out of jail. Raylan: Well, I won't be there the next time. I can guarantee you that. Boyd: What makes you think there's gonna be a next time, Raylan? Carol: You arrest another of my employees on some trumped-up bullshit, we'll sue you for harassment! You hear me?! Raylan: You all go poking the bear, and it's his fault when you get bit. Carol: I'm sorry. Are you talking back there about something? Raylan: Excuse me, ma'am? Doyle: Miss Johnson. Carol: Oh, yes. Doyle Bennett... just the man I'd like to talk to. Doyle: Boyd... You keep some pretty notorious company. Oh, not nearly as notorious as the corrupt chief of the Bennett police department. Doyle: Well, if you're referring to the arrest of Mr. Crowder, you should know that he has an extensive history of criminal behavior. Carol: And a busted taillight is the best you could come up with? Doyle: You should be more careful about the people you hire. I think Raylan would agree with me on that. Raylan: Huh? Oh, no. You can, uh, go ahead and leave me out of it. Carol: Oh, that's the role of the new, modern lawman... just stand by and watch corruption go unchecked? Raylan: Well, he's right. Boyd here is shady. Of course, he isn't any worse than you, Doyle, is he? Or your company's mountaintop agenda, Carol. As far as I'm concerned, y'all deserve each other. And whenever this sh1t does blow up in your faces, Guess what. I won't be here to clean up the bodies. Doyle: You all have a good day, now. Raylan: I'll be in the car. Carol: Did you at least get Reggie Eames' signature? Boyd: Well, I got it this morning, but I had it in the truck with me when they pulled me over. Carol: Then you're just gonna have to go back out and get it again. Boyd: This was a warning. Next time, Doyle and his boys won't bother with some bullshit arrest. Carol: You just keep doing what you're being paid to do. Boyd: If lines must be crossed, miss Johnson, how do I know that you're gonna have my back? Carol: I just bailed you out of jail, and I'm about to get your car out of hock. Take those as gestures of my goodwill towards your role in our cause. Boyd: That was quite a speech you made in there. Raylan: Well, thank you. I stayed up all night working on it. Boyd: That whole part at the end about you not being around to clean up the bodies... were you just being figurative, or are you planning on leaving us? Raylan: I can't remember. Boyd: What's the matter, Raylan? You seem a bit agitated. Raylan: Do you get along with her? Boyd: Maybe you're just feeling some anxiety about our current situation. Raylan: What situation would that be? Boyd: Well, now, more than once we've found ourselves on the same side of a fight. Raylan: Okay. Well, I'm on assignment by the federal government. You're a hired gun thug for a crooked company. Now, the only thing that we're on the same side of is, like, this car. Boyd: Well, if you need anything, Raylan, you let me know. Raylan: Miss Johnson, tell me again. In your head, what's about to happen here? Carol: Just gonna clear the air, have a nice, calm conversation. Raylan: Nothing clear about the air around coal. Do you know these people? Carol: I know of them. You? Raylan: Well, you could say we have some history. Carol: Is that got a be a problem, marshal? Raylan: No, ma'am. Carol: Oh. Ms. Bennett. I don't believe we've formally met. I'm Carol Johnson with the Black Pike Mining company. Mags: I know who you are, Miss Johnson. Glad you're prettier in person than you are in the papers. I'm surprised to see you here with her, Raylan. Raylan: Uh, marshals service duty. There have been some threats. Mags: Oh, well, that's just awful. Carol: Part of the job, I suppose. Mags: Yeah, it's not easy being a strong woman. [ Sniffles ] Take it from me. But you just keep doing what you're doing. Don't let them see you sweat. Oh, miss Johnson, these are my boys... uh, Dickie and Coover. Carol: Hello. Coover: Hey! Mags: [ Clears throat ] So, what... uh, what brings you out this way? Need some travel soap? Toothbrush, maybe? Carol: I'm here to talk business. Mags: Even with the law within earshot? Carol: [ Chuckles ] Black Pike is all aboveboard. No need for secrecy. Mags: Everything I have to say on the matter you'll hear tonight at that fancy meeting you're holding. Carol: Oh, well, I'm very glad to hear that you're gonna be coming, but [clears throat] I was hoping to talk to you before then, sort out our conflicting interests. Mags: And by "conflicting interests," I'm assuming you mean that Black Pike wants to rape our hollers and I want to save them? Carol: No, that's not what I meant. Mags: I've already made it clear that you will hear my position tonight. Nice to meet you. Carol: Ma'am. Coover: Mm. You whoring for the mines now, too... Like your buddy Boyd? Raylan: Coover, you touch me again, it's gonna be a problem. Coover: I ain't afraid of you, marshal. Raylan: It's nice to see the work you done on your boys' self-esteem has paid off. Dickie: Coover, be careful, now. You go beating on a federal, it can take years from you. [ Lollipop slams ] Mags: Boys, let's go, now. That's enough. You hear me? Coover, that's enough. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it! Stop it! Come on. Let's go. Raylan: You ain't gonna wear that to the meeting, are you? Carol: I just need five more minutes. Raylan: I'll come back. Carol: That's not what I meant. So, what was that all about today? Raylan: Well, a little bad blood. Carol: Bad blood? Geez. What, like Hatfield-and-McCoy bad blood? Raylan: A little bit. Carol: Do tell. Raylan: Well, I guess it goes back to during prohibition, the Bennetts were running moonshine across the state line, and agents busted them. They got it in their heads it was a Givens tipped off the feds. My great-uncle Harold took a bullet to the chest, and back and forth it went. I guess for me it started at a baseball game. Carol: Baseball game? Raylan: Yeah, high school. I was playing for Evarts. Dickie was pitching for Bennett. I had already gotten two hits off of him, and, uh... Carol: Finish your story. Raylan: Oh, I'm sorry. Uh, where was I? Carol: Two hits. Raylan: Yes. Two hits. Um, so, I come up a third time, and Dickie's first pitch was just Linda Ronstadt. [ Chuckling ] You know? Just "blue bayou." The second pitch, I got ahold of, but it went foul. And the third pitch, Dickie put right into my head. I hit the dirt. When I looked up, the benches had cleared, and Dickie was pulling his foot back, put his cleats in my face. And I just picked up the bat... Swung it, got my third hit. [ Cellphone rings ] Made his left leg bend sideways at the knee. Carol: That accounts for that limp. Raylan: Givens. Rachel: State police just found a car registered to Kirby Jr. abandoned in a motel parking lot along route 75, 50 miles outside of Harlan. You hear me? Raylan: Yeah. No, I heard you. Rachel: If Kirby Jr.'s on his way down there and taking those kinds of precautions, could be after Carol. Raylan: The meeting starts in about an hour. Rachel: Do you want us to send some help down there? None will get here in time anyway. I can handle it. Watch your back, okay? Okay? Thank you. This, uh, threat level's been elevated. You should reschedule this meeting. Carol: No, no. It'll look like I'm afraid to face them. Raylan: Well, perhaps your safety is more important than how it looks. Carol: We're not canceling. Raylan, you, uh, may be an idiot and you're certainly a pain in my ass... But we're going to the meeting. Raylan: It's not safe. Carol: Well, then, you're just gonna have to do your job and protect me, aren't you? Arlo: Never got a chance to tell you how sorry I was about your daddy. We may have had our differences at the end, but we made a lot of money together over the years, and he didn't deserve to go out like that. Boyd: Well, I appreciate that, sir. I know he regarded you very highly. Helen: [ Chuckling ] Listen to the two of you. I think I'm getting a cavity, this is all so sweet. Is that what you came here to talk about, Boyd? Boyd: No, ma'am. I'm not sure if you've heard, but I have recently been employed by Black Pike. Arlo: Heard the rumors, sure. I was wondering what angle you might be playing there. Boyd: No angle, sir. I'm just trying to live it clean. Arlo: As a gun thug for the mining company? You know what your daddy would have to say about that? Boyd: Um, Black Pike needs your Indian line property to secure all the land around the mountain, and we are prepared to to offer you a lease... Arlo: You can stop right there, son. We're not signing that land over to anyone. Boyd: Technically the property is Helen's name. Helen: You really come over here thinking we'd sign that land over to a mining company? Boyd: No, ma'am, but I get paid to ask. Arlo: Want a snort of bourbon before you go? Boyd: If I'm gonna deliver bad news, I best do it without liquor on my breath. Am I gonna see you both at the meeting tonight? Helen: I've heard it all before, and you certainly won't be seeing this one. Gift from my boy. Well, it looks like Raylan Givens was here. Speaking of which, have you seen him since he's been in town? Didn't know he was. Although I did get the impression it wouldn't be for long. Has he said anything to you about leaving Kentucky? You see any fast moves, anybody reaches into a bag or anything, you let me know. [SCENE_BREAK] Raylan: Tom. Tom: What happened to you? Raylan: [ Sighs ] How are we looking? Tom: We're looking good. We got six men around the room, and we're checking for firearms at the door, but since this is Harlan, it's kind of an uphill battle. Raylan: I know. And your boys... they all got pictures of Kirby Jr.? Tom: Oh, yeah. If he shows up, they'll spot him. Raylan: Okay. Boyd: Technically, the property is in Helen's name, so you'd have to convince both her and Raylan's old man. Carol: Raylan's mother pass? Boyd: A long time ago. Raylan: What was a long time ago? Boyd: I heard you had a bit of trouble this afternoon, evident by all the bruises on your face. Raylan: So, you can still see it? Boyd: Uh, what's the plan? Raylan: The plan is that if miss Johnson sees anything that spooks her, she gets down behind that podium fast and she stays down. Boyd: What do you want me to do? Raylan: You, uh, if you see anyone pull a gun, step in front of it. Evening, everyone. Evening. Ladies and gentlemen, we're here tonight to talk about coal. And coal is dirty. Always has been, always will be. But it's till coal that provides more than half of the electricity used in the U.S. Much of it coming from the heart of your great state of Kentucky. Mining gives a good living at Black Pipe, just ask Raylan Givens here. He used to be a miner. Now he's a decorated U.S. marshal. He was assigned by the judge to watch over me tonight, keep me safe. I asked, "Why do I need protection? We're all friends here, ain't that right?" Um, marshal, if I may... Now your salary as a law enforcer officer is is about 1100 a week. Isn't that right? Raylan: Base pay, starting out, about that. Carol: Same thing as what a miner makes, isn't that right? Raylan: Uh, we get overtime. And, uh, marshals get paid 52 weeks out of the year. I put in 15 years. That's... what?... Around 800 weeks of pay without a miss. And if I have to take a day off... if, for example, I have a ferocious hangover... [ Laughter ] Coover: Or got your ass whopped. Dickie: Ho ho! Raylan: Or that. If I take a sick day, I don't get fired. I get paid. [ Applause ] Boyd: Well, now, hold on a second! There's two sides... two sides... to every coin, so let's... let's hear the other side. Now, I grew up in a mine, shoulder to shoulder with the marshal, in fact, and you all know me. You know my background. You know my history. It's not easy for a man like me to come by honest work. But this woman, Carol Johnson, and Black Pike... they gave me a second chance. Now, I believe they're here to stimulate this economy, make it fertile in infertile times, and what we need right now is jobs! I believe Black Pike is here to help... if we let them. I believe they're here to help. [ Applause ] Carol: Now, I come into this county and look around, and I see empty businesses. I see houses in shambles. I see families struggling to make ends meet. We can bring prosperity back to this land. God put coal in these hills for just that purpose. I believe that deep down in my heart, and I think... I think you all do, too. [ Applause ] [ Applause stops, person clapping ] Mags: Apparently, Black Pike is here to help us realize God's great plan. And all they're asking us to let them do, is cut the top off our mountain. Dickie: Whop. Mags: Well, my people pioneered this valley when George Washington was president of the United States. And as long as we've been here, the story's always been the same... The big-money men come in, take the timber and the coal and the strength of our people. And what do they leave behind? Poundments full of poison slurry and valleys full of toxic trash! Dickie: Yeah! Mags: You know what happens when 500 million gallons of slurry breaks loose? The gates of hell open. Carol: Those poundments are built strong to keep the slurry back. Mags: The gates of hell open, and all that waste rolls down through the hollers and poisons the water and the land and everything it touches! Mining company has a... has a word for those leavings... doesn't it? "The spoil." "The spoil"! And that is what our lives will be if Black Pike has their way with our mountain. Carol: With all due respect, Mrs. Bennett, Black Pike will replace the mountaintops and leave money... a lot of money... in the pockets of the working people of Bennett and Harlan counties. Mags: Is that a fact? Carol: Yes, ma'am, that is a fact. Mags: Well, that's something to consider... 'Cause it ain't an easy life here. No, ma'am. To an outsider, it's probably hard to understand why we're all not just lining up and saying, "Where do we sign?" But we got our own kind of food, our own music...Our own liquor. Yeah! Whoo! Mags: We got our own way of courting and raising children and our own way of living and dying. And to protect all that, we have got to say "No, thank you" to miss Carol Johnson here and Black Pike Mining. Hey, hey, hey! Which is why I will put up my own money to stop the landowners from selling their rights away to the mining company. Now, just yesterday, Reggie here... hello, Reggie... Reggie here turned me down. Sold out to Black Pike instead. It's all right, Reggie. I understand what kind of pressure you were under. But sometimes we need to stop and remember just what it is we've got to lose... Which is why I'm inviting you all up our way tomorrow for a big, ol' whoop-de-do! [ Cheers and applause ] Whoop-de-do! Everybody, come... Even you, Reggie... [ laughter ] ...And especially you, miss Johnson. [ Crowd murmuring ] I want you all to see just what it is we are fighting for down here. [shots fired] Raylan: Give me that. Carol: What's that? Raylan: A firecracker. Carol: A firecracker? Raylan: Mm-hmm. Carol: That's our gunshot? Raylan: It appears so. Carol: [ Chuckling ] What are you doing? Raylan: I was just thinking. It exploded at a... a pretty ideal time for you. Carol: You think I had someone set that off? Raylan: Before the meeting got too out of hand. Might have even gained a little sympathy for your side. Carol: Any sympathy I had started to slip away when you said your piece. Raylan: My job is to protect you, not your company's agenda. Carol: Well, I admit it was a well-timed prank, but I didn't have anything to do with it. Hell, my heart's still pounding. Want to feel? Raylan: You've had enough fun for today. [ Vehicle approaches ] [ Engine shuts off ] [ Vehicle door opens, closes ] Boyd: Ava, you here? Coover: Get him! Get him! Dickie: Now, it's just business, Boyd. It's got a little warning for you here. Coover: You got to go to another house, you got to stand up in that meeting! You're stupid! Ohh! Ava: Back off! Girl, you ain't shooting nobody. What the hell? Coover: No! No! You killed Charlie! Ava: Get out of my house! Make me ask again! Out! Go on! Coover: You should have killed me, girl. Dickie: Come on, Coov. Come on. It's okay. Coover: Charlie! Dickie... Dickie: Come on. [ Door closes ] Ava: Oh, my God. Boyd: [ Sighs ] Ava: Jesus. Boyd: [ Sighs ] Raylan: I'm divorced. Carol: You left her? Raylan: She left me. Carol: Why? You fool around? Raylan: Not once in six years. I went to Miami. She left me for a realtor. Carol: That's a sad story. So, is the marshals service gonna reimburse me for the decimation of my minibar? Raylan: It's the least Black Pike can do, after I saved you from that firecracker. Carol: [ Chuckles ] Are you gonna sleep in that chair tonight? Raylan: I figure if I drink enough, I can sleep just about anywhere. Carol: I have a big bed. I'm happy to share it. Raylan: Yes. I appreciate the offer, but, uh... Carol: Oh, but you... you might get in trouble with the marshals service. Raylan: I believe I'm already in trouble with the marshals service. Carol: I have never been married. I probably never will. Raylan: And your dad was a miner, and now you work for the coal company. Carol: My daddy died. I was at Columbia. I switched my major from English literature to mineral and mining engineering, and then I went on to work for the company. Raylan: And you saved your love for your dog. Carol: I have a cat. That's what I call him... "Cat." I say, "Come here, Cat." I pet him, but he never purrs. Raylan: Yeah, well... Carol: All right, well, you better get some sleep. We have an early morning. Okay. - We gotta make one more stop on our way to Mags. Raylan: Yeah? Where would that be? Carol: Your aunt Helen's. Ava: Just hold still. Boyd: Oh, I'm awful sorry, Ava. Ava: You want to tell me what's going on, Boyd? Boyd: It's pretty obvious. The Bennetts are trying to secure those properties, same as Black Pike. But Black Pike owns the entire mountaintop. The only reason we're chasing those properties is 'cause the Bennetts are, too. Ava: You can't keep doing what you're doing, Boyd. Boyd: No. But if I can figure out what the Bennetts are up to, there might be a way out of this thing that works for us. Ava: For us? Well, I don't know much, but it seems to me it always comes down to one thing. Boyd: What's that? Ava: Money. Carol: The birthplace of the great Raylan Givens. This is so exciting. Raylan: Try to contain yourself. Helen, Arlo, this is Carol Johnson of Black Pike Mining. Arlo: First Boyd, and now you. The entire world gone upside down? Raylan: That's it... preach ethics while shackled to a government-issued ankle tether. Arlo: We already told your lackey Boyd that we ain't selling that land. Helen: Now, you two, hush. We have a guest, and we will act accordingly. Carol: It's all right, Mrs. Givens. I understand the reaction. Arlo: Hope you didn't do that to my boy's face. Raylan: Try to act right, Arlo. Helen: My apologies, Carol. Arlo will hear out your offer. You come into town, you don't see your aunt Helen? Raylan: Well, I'm seeing you now, ain't I? Helen: Only 'cause of Black Pike. Raylan: Well, yeah. Helen: And what's this I hear about you may be leaving? Raylan: What are you talking... Where'd you hear that? Helen: Boyd mentioned it. Raylan: Oh, well, if Boyd said it, then it must be true. Helen: Well, you ain't denied it yet. Raylan: That's true, too. Helen: Are you trying to say you're not thinking about it? Raylan: I think about a lot of things, Helen. Helen: I never expected you to stay in Kentucky, Raylan. Raylan: Oh? Helen: I was surprised you ever came back. Raylan: Me too. Helen: And to tell you the honest truth, I wish you hadn't. I loved you like you were my own, ever since you were little. You were the reason I spent as much time as I did in this house. You want the rest of that money before you go? 20,000 Arlo and I took from the marshals? All these times I've been asking him for it, now you're just gonna give it to me? Helen: On the condition this cuts all ties between you and Harlan county, and I mean you leave all of it, including the Bennetts. Raylan: Why are you so concerned about the Bennetts? Helen: You want the money, you leave it all behind. Raylan: So I leave Harlan, you give me a bagful of money? Actually, I kind of like that deal. [ Gunshots ] Get down! [ Gunshots continue ] [ Gunshots stop ] Are you guys okay? Arlo: Yeah. Raylan: All right. Everybody in the house... Right now! [ Gunfire ] Go. Arlo: Aaahh! Aaahh! [ Gunfire continues ] Helen: Who's shooting at us? Arlo: I don't know! You goddamn... that son of a... that... [ Gunshot ] Raylan: Call 911. Helen: That phone hasn't worked for months. You'd know that if you ever called. Carol: I have no service. Raylan: Yeah, I know. Hold still, huh? Arlo: Get away from me with that knife! Raylan: How long does it usually take them to get here? Arlo: Oh, 10 minutes, at least... I don't know how long! Raylan: All right. Everybody just keep their heads down. Stay away from any doors and windows. And if anyone comes through that door, you shoot 'em... [ rifle cocks ] ...Unless it's me. [ Gunshots ] Oh! Oh! Ohh! Oh, my God! Raylan: Hey! Hey! Who's with you? I'm alone! Raylan: Look at me. Where is your brother? Kirby Jr.... Where is he? Those bastards! They killed my father! Raylan: Look at me. Where's your brother? Right now... you tell me where your brother is, huh? I think you broke my arm! Aah! Raylan: Hey! Officer! U.S. marshal. I got a shooter in custody. Your radio get outside this holler? Yes, sir. Raylan: All right. I need you to get ahold of the marshals in Lexington. Tell them judge Reardon is not to leave his home. A shooter outside waiting for him. Judge Reardon... got it. Raylan: Oh, hey, uh, you get me some paramedics, huh? Ava: Boyd. What are you doing? Boyd: I figured it out. I know what Mags is up to. Ava: And what would that be, exactly? Boyd: I'm gonna need you to put on a dress. Ava: What? Why? Boyd: 'Cause we're going to the Bennetts' party. Something pretty. Ava: [ Chuckles ] Raylan: [ Sighs ] Well, they got Kirby Jr. He was outside the judge's residence. Carol: So, it's over? Raylan: Not till I get u out of coal country alive. You think the Peener clan's the only ones wishing you harm down here? Carol: No, I suppose not. Raylan: No. I don't suppose you still intend on going to Mags' party, do you? Carol: Yeah. Raylan: Why we got to walk into that lion's den? Carol: I got a job to do, and so do you. Raylan: Give me a minute. How we doing in here? Arlo: I got a hole in my leg! How the hell do you think I'm doing?! He's gonna be fine. We just need to take him in and make sure we haven't missed anything. Yeah, now run back to your marshal service buddies, have them bring me out a new tether! Raylan: Just like that, huh? Helen: Just like that. So, what now? You head back up to Lexington? Raylan: Soon. There's something I got to do first. Helen: What's that? Raylan: Going to Mags' party. Helen: Raylan! The whole reason I gave you that money is you agreed to stay away from the Bennetts! Raylan: I lied.	Plan: A: Johnson; Q: Who is Raylan assigned to protect? A: Harlan County residents; Q: Who does Raylan try to convince to sell their land rights to Black Pike? A: interference; Q: What does Boyd run to stop Mags from purchasing the same land? A: A shootout; Q: What happens at Arlo's house when a family attempts revenge on Johnson for wrongful death? Summary: Raylan is assigned to protect Johnson while she attempts to convince Harlan County residents to sell their land rights over to Black Pike, with Boyd running interference to halt Mags from purchasing the same land. A shootout occurs at Arlo's house when a family attempts revenge on Johnson for a wrongful death.
ACT ONE Scene One - Apartment Frasier & Martin are sitting in their apartment as Daphne walks through the door laughing with Donny. Martin: Oh, hey! How was your afternoon? Daphne: Do you know what this wonderful man did? Donny: [modest] Oh Daphne, please don't... Daphne: [shushes him, then] He filled a basket full of my favorite English foods: blood pudding, jellied eels, kidney pie. And then he hid it in the shrub so we'd stumble upon it during our stroll through the park. Donny: I was only a little afraid that somebody would find it before we got there, but fortunately - [off basket] untouched. Frasier: Yes, well just because it was untouched doesn't mean someone didn't find it. Niles enters the room from the kitchen. Daphne: Hello, Dr. Crane. Niles: [happily] Hello, Daphne. [much less enthusiastic] Donny. Donny: Hey, Tiger. Look what I've got for you. Think fast. Donny throws Niles some keys, however as usual he doesn't think fast and the keys go flying off. Frasier picks them up and hands them to Niles. Niles: What are the keys to? Donny: Your ex-wife's lakefront cottage, now YOUR lakefront cottage. A little something I hammered out for you in the settlement. Niles: Thank you, Donny! I never thought I'd see "Shady Glen" again. Donny & Daphne kiss at the door. Donny leaves and Daphne walks over to the other side of the room. Frasier: Well, congratulations, Niles. Martin: Yeah, looks like Donny really did a job on Maris's legal team! Niles: Yes, well he certainly is ruthless all right. [in Daphne's earshot] As a divorce lawyer, what a callous attitude he must have towards human relationships. Daphne: Yeah, you'd think so, Dr. Crane, but actually he's just the opposite. I've never met anyone so incredibly romantic. [leaves to her room] Niles: [shouting] Yes, well I'm sure he seems that way on the OUTSIDE... Frasier: [sternly] Niles! Please, stop what you're doing. It's unseemly enough when she's actually in the room! Niles: Oh, I'm sorry, what am I supposed to do? For the first time since I've known her I'm free and single and now she's with someone. Am I supposed to just suffer in silence? Martin: I'd take that! Niles: I just don't understand, what does she see in him? [to Frasier] If you were Daphne, would you go out with Donny? Frasier: Well no, but I wouldn't massage Dad's ass for what I pay her either! Martin looks offended, while Niles nods in agreement. Frasier: Look, I'm sorry, Niles, it's just that Donny and Daphne seem very happy together. Now either it's true love, in which case it's too late for you to declare yourself, or it's just a temporary infatuation- Niles: [jumping with hope] It's got to be! It's got to be! Frasier: ...In which case it will pass, and then you can make your move! And in the mean time I suggest that maybe you start looking elsewhere. You know, maybe make a fresh start, do something to get your mind off of Daphne. Niles: I know, I know, it's just difficult. Frasier: Yes, I understand that... say, you know what, I've got an idea. Why don't the three of us go up to that new cabin of yours for the weekend? Martin: Oh sorry, I can't. I've got a dentist appointment Saturday morning. Frasier: Well, that's all right, Dad. Niles can go up on Friday night, put things together, and then you and I can drive up on Saturday afternoon. Niles: [excited] Why not? It's a fabulous place, Dad. It's got a stereo and a big screen TV, and a sauna, wine cellar... Frasier: [laughs] Perfect for three guys roughing it in the wilderness! Martin: Well, I'm game. Frasier: You know what? I can stop at the butcher, I'll pick up a couple of ducks and make my justly celebrated duck a l'orange. Niles: Washed down with a winsome yet robust Chambertin? Frasier: Chambertin! Martin: Yeah, and I'll bring a quart of whiskey in case of snakebite. Niles: Dad, Dad, there are no snakes up there. Martin: [feeling happy] All right, I'll bring a snake! [leaves to his room] Frasier: God, this is great, Niles! You know what, I've got to dash down to the mailbox to drop that letter in before the last pickup. Niles, trust me, you'll be glad you took my advice on this one. Niles: I already am, thank you, Frasier. It's going to do me a world of good to get away from Daphne for a while. Frasier: Yes, I couldn't agree more. He leaves as Daphne enters from her bedroom. Niles: Hey Daphne, how'd you like to see my new lakefront cottage? They enter the kitchen where she potters about. Daphne: Sounds lovely, when? Niles: This weekend. We're all going. You can drive up with me on Friday, and Dad and Frasier will be... right behind. Daphne: Well, that's very sweet, Dr. Crane, but I can't. One of my cousins is going to San Francisco this weekend and I promised I'd fly down. Niles: That's a shame. Daphne: Yeah, Donny's not too thrilled about it either. He wanted to come with me. Niles: And he's not? Daphne: No. That would have meant staying in a hotel together, and I'm not sure we're ready for that yet. I suppose you think I'm being a bit old-fashioned. Niles: [ecstatic from the news] Dear God in heaven, no! Daphne: You can't force these things, you have to wait for the moment when you know it's right. Niles: [hopeful] Yes, and sometimes the moment never comes and you just have to move on. Daphne: But I really appreciate the invitation and I'll hope you'll invite me again. Niles: [joking] All right. Daphne, how'd you like to see my new lakefront cottage? Daphne: Silly! Daphne laughs with him and hits him on the shoulder as a joke. He jokily hits her back. They do this for a while, reminiscent of the "Heart & Soul" scene in "First Date." However, once she leaves Niles slaps the counter, feeling depressed. [SCENE_BREAK] THIS COULD BE THE START OF SOMETHING WEIRD Scene Two - Café Nervosa On Friday afternoon, Martin and Niles are sitting in Café Nervosa when Roz arrives. Roz: Martin, Niles! Boy, this place is jammed. Martin: Oh hey, Roz. [stands up and hands seat over] You can have my seat, I'm on my way to Duke's. Yeah so, how's the world treating you? Roz: Like dirt! My social life is nonexistent. Every time I meet a guy who's halfway decent all I have to do is mention I've got a kid and he runs like a cheap pair of pantyhose. Martin: Oh-ho... well, maybe you and Niles can cheer each other up. Niles: [nervous] Dad... Roz: Why, what's his problem? Martin: Oh, Daphne's got a new boyfriend and it's eating him up. Niles: Dad! Roz: What? [to Niles] You've got a thing for Daphne? Martin: What, you didn't know that after all these years? Roz: No! I can't believe Daphne never told me. Martin: Well, how could she? She doesn't know either. Roz: You're kidding! [they laugh] Niles: Yes, yes, he's a great kidder. Now, you Dad, run along, and you be very careful crossing streets! Martin: [to Roz] Six years, can you believe it? Some people just don't even know when it's time to pull the plug. [leaves] Niles: [shouting after him] Well, I won't make that mistake twice! Martin laughs on his way out. Roz commences grilling Niles. Roz: So let me get this straight... Niles: [moaning] Oh... Roz: You've been hot for Daphne all this time and you never made a move? Niles: I was a happily married man. Roz: You were never happy and you've been separated for almost two years! Niles: Well... somehow the right moment never came along. Roz: Oh, come on. I-I'm not trying to make you feel bad, it's just... waiting all this time and now she's got a boyfriend? [chuckles] My God, that is really pathetic! [laughs] Niles: Obviously you've never let someone you've grown to care deeply about get away. Roz: Well, sure I have. Niles: I'm not talking about when the migrant workers leave at the end of the picking season. Roz: [gives him a "very nice" look, then] No really, I've had a couple of boyfriends I shouldn't have let get away. Niles: Serious relationships? Roz: Yeah. In fact, I can name one right off the top of my head: that lawyer I gave you, Donny? Niles: Really? Roz: Yeah. I mean, you only know him professionally, but he's very funny, warm, thoughtful. [smiling] We were together for about six months, but he really wanted a family and I wasn't ready, so I dumped him. Now I have a family but no Donny. Gee, I wonder who he's seeing these days? Niles breaks into smug laughter. Roz: What's so funny? Niles: I'll tell you in a minute. [laughing] I just want to savor it, you've been having all the fun! Roz: So tell me! [laughs with him] Niles: Donny's Daphne's boyfriend. Roz: [stops laughing] That's not funny! When did this happen? Niles: Well, she met him when he was working on my case. Roz: [sighs] Wow, and I was calling you a loser. Niles: You never called me a loser. Roz: In my head I did! Niles: Well, at the moment I have to agree with you. I've had plenty of opportunities and I've always chickened out. Roz: Oh, don't blame yourself. She's living with your brother, working for your dad - it's an awkward situation. Niles: It is! Well... don't feel bad about Donny. It wasn't right for you at the time, that's nobody's fault. Roz: Thanks, Niles. Hey listen, the next time you find somebody you like, don't wait so long to tell her. [looks at watch and gets up] Oh, I've got a babysitter waiting. Mrs. Hines is seventy years old and has a mole like Abe Lincoln but I bet SHE has plans for the weekend! Niles: You know what, I just had the craziest idea. My settlement with Maris includes a beautiful lakefront cottage and I'm going up there this afternoon. Why don't you come along? You can bring Alice. Roz: [sits back down] Are you serious? Niles: Well, Frasier and Dad are coming up tomorrow, but tonight it'd just be us: Love's losers licking our wounds, laughing at our pain. Roz: Gee, I don't know.. Niles: Well, Frasier's making duck a L'orange and I'm bringing the wine. What about it? Roz: [surprised] Well, I never thought I'd say this, but: you're on. They shake hands, and get up. Niles: [excited] Oh, in a funny way this reminds me of that wonderful moment in "A Streetcar Named Desire" when the brutish Stanley says to the ultra-refined Blanche, "We've had this date with each other from the beginning." Roz: Well, I don't know the play all that well, but I can tell you right now I'm not all that refined. Niles: No, actually I was picturing you more as Stanley. Roz gives Niles a look as they both leave the café together. End Of Act One. (Time: 8:00) Act Two. Scene One - Cabin Niles is in his lakefront cottage opening a bottle of wine when Donny walks through the front door with his valises. Donny: Hi, there. Niles: Donny! I'm so glad you could make it. Donny: Well, thanks for inviting me. [looks around] Wow, this is a great place to get some work done, with no distractions in sight. Thank- Roz enters from the kitchen. Niles: Donny, I'd like to introduce... [mock remembering] Oh, that's right, you two know each other, don't you? Donny: Roz! How the hell are you? Hi! Roz: [surprised] Donny! [he kisses her cheek] Donny: I didn't know you were going to be here. Well, this is going to be fun. Now, Niles, I've got to put these things somewhere... Roz: I didn't know you'd be here. Niles: Oh yeah, just in one of the bedrooms upstairs. [Donny heads up] Oh, but be careful not to wake Roz's baby. She's in that first room. Donny: Roz, you've got a baby? [she nods] Congratulations! That means that you're... Niles: Married? No, she's free as a bird! Donny: Well, I'll try to be quiet. He exits. Roz then needs to question Niles. Roz: What the hell is this? Niles: What do you mean? I just thought you two might enjoy reminiscing about all the good times you've shared... Roz: Oh, no you don't! Donny is seeing Daphne and I am not the kind who steals other people's boyfriends! Not friends' boyfriends... not good friends'... [sitting down distraught] Not again! Niles: Roz, you might recall you went out with him for six months. She's only seen him three or four times, they're not even sleeping together. Roz: What? How would you know? Niles: She told me. I don't want to be the bad guy here, but you did have him first and he did want to make a life with you. Roz: [thinks about it, then] Listen, there is no way that I am going... She hasn't slept with him? Niles: She's English. Roz: [thinks about it more, then] Why don't you just admit it? You're just doing this because you want Daphne. Niles: Yes! Yes! Yes, I want Daphne - I think we belong together, just like I think you and Donny belong together, and why should two people be happy when four people can be ecstatic? Roz: Well, you got a point there! [then] No! No, no, no, it's just not right! At this moment Donny walks out of Alice's room carrying a wide-awake Alice. Donny: Roz, I swear I did not wake her, she was already up when I went in to look at her. [mushy] She's got such a sweet little face. Roz: Her name is Alice. Donny: Hi Alice, I'm Donny. Roz: She doesn't usually let strangers hold her. Donny: Oh, I've always been pretty good with kids. [to Alice] Come on, sweetie, come on. [exits to bedroom] Roz: [to Niles] How's my hair? Niles gives her a thumbs up, and she follows Donny. Niles, happy with what he has done, takes his glass of wine and sits down on the couch. But before he his back has touched the pillow, the door is opened by Frasier and Martin. Frasier is carrying a shopping bag. Frasier: Niles! Niles: Aah! [jumps up startled] Frasier? Dad? What are you doing here today? Martin: Oh, my dentist is sick, we had to reschedule. Niles: Oh, no! Martin: Oh, it's just a head cold. Frasier: Oh God, you haven't even heard the worst yet, Niles: the butcher shop was closed, so here I am with all my spices, everything I need to make my duck a l'orange - all I've got's the l'orange! Martin sees the rack of shotguns and hunting gear by the door. Martin: Well, looks like we're going to have get our ducks the old- fashioned way! But we better get a move on, there's only a couple hours of daylight left. Niles: Yes, you know, I saw some boxs of ammo in the mud room, Dad, through the kitchen. Frasier: Are you insane?! I'm not going to shoot any ducks, it's barbaric! Martin: Oh, I get it! You'll eat them but you won't kill them. What do you think, these things are born "a l'orange?" He exits to the kitchen. Niles: [laughs] Dad does have a point. You know, there is a duck blind right across the lake, and it would be such a good opportunity for you two to bond. Frasier: Niles, what about you? Niles: [takes his bag] Well, I will stay here and season the pans. Frasier: Well, I'm not going hunting! Niles: Well then you'll just have to drive back to Seattle, find another shop that's open, and come back tomorrow as scheduled! Frasier: What the hell is going on? Are you trying to get rid of us? Martin enters with boxes of ammo under his arm. Niles: Oh, that's preposterous, why should I be trying to... Roz enters from the bedroom and realizes the company. Roz: Frasier! Martin! You weren't supposed to be here until tomorrow. Martin: Roz, what are you doing here? Roz: Niles brought me. I'm just going to go heat up a bottle for Alice. Roz exits to the kitchen. Martin thinks that Niles and Roz are here for a date and nudges Niles on the shoulder with a saucy look. Frasier: Roz? Niles: Roz? [realizing] Roz. Yes, so why don't you two run along and leave me alone with... [surprised at himself] Roz. Frasier: Roz?! Niles: Well, didn't you urge me to make a fresh start? Frasier: True, but I gotta tell you Niles, Roz isn't the freshest start you could make! For once Niles is the one to leap to Roz's defense, batting Frasier on the arm while Frasier shrugs. Martin: Now butt out, Frasier, if these two want to be alone together for a while, that's fine. Now we're going to go hunting, now come on. Frasier: I'm not going hunting, Dad! Roz and Niles?! Please! You guys have nothing in common! Niles: [hands Martin a shotgun] Frasier, we're not getting married. We're going to spend an afternoon together and-and see what comes from it, and... there's nothing wrong with trying something different! Martin: [hands Frasier the shotgun] Which is exactly what you're going to do right now! So come on, let's go get some ducks. Frasier: Dad... Niles: [hands Martin another shotgun and two hunting vests] And please, take as long as you need. Frasier: I don't want to go hunting! Martin: Now, come on! Didn't you ever hear the expression, "Two's company, Three's a crowd"? Frasier: No Dad, I don't think I ever did, how does it go?! Frasier and Martin leave, mad with each other through the front door. Donny walks downstairs and heads for the front door, Niles stops him: Donny: I left some papers in the car. Niles: [stops him] Oh, where'd you park? Donny: Out back! Niles: Ah, then it's best to go through the kitchen because we have a loose plank on the porch. Donny: I already came in that way. Niles: Yeah, well you cheated death once, don't push your luck! As Niles pushes Donny into the kitchen, Frasier enters through the front door. Frasier: Niles, one last warning. Take it from someone who knows you both: you and Roz are not a good couple. Niles: I understand you're saying that, but believe me, I have seen a new Roz today and underneath that brazen exterior she is a sweet, sensitive, shy, and vulnerable woman. Roz: [calling from kitchen] Niles, have you seen my nipples?! Niles shrugs at Frasier, who leaves with a look of disgust. Roz enters from the kitchen with Alice's bottles. The sucking parts of them are missing. Niles: Uh, no. [SCENE_BREAK] CHICKS AND DUCKS AND GEESE NEEDN'T WORRY Scene Two - Duck Blind Frasier & Martin are in the duck blind. They both have shotguns and Frasier is carrying a duck call. Frasier: Niles and Roz? It's just ridiculous! Martin: Oh, not this again! Frasier: Well, they are just completely incompatible. Martin: Well, haven't you ever heard about "opposites attracting"? I mean, look at your mother and me. We went together for six months, nobody thought it would last, we had forty happy years together! Frasier: Never thought of it that way. Martin: Yeah. And then, there are those relationships where people have a ton of things in common and of course they always work out real well! [laughs] Frasier: Thank you, Dad, I suppose that was a backhanded comment about me and Lilith. Martin: [sighting gun] Wouldn't it be great if she was flying by here on her broomstick right now? [they laugh] Come on, sight up. Frasier: No, no, Dad, I told you I'm not shooting anything. Martin: Alright, blow the duck call. Frasier: Well, all right. [blows duck call twice] Gee, you know, I keep thinking about you and Mom; maybe Niles and Roz do have a chance. Martin: Sure they do. Blow it again. Frasier: [blows duck call twice] Gosh, you know, I hope I didn't discourage Niles too much by the way I reacted. You know how much stock he puts in my opinion. Martin: Blow it, Frasier. Frasier: [blows duck call twice] Martin: I didn't mean the duck call! Frasier gives him a look just as Martin catches sight of something in the sky and quickly aims his shotgun. As we FADE OUT we hear a gunshot. DOESN'T ANYONE WANT TO SEE THE DAMNED SUNSET? Scene Three - Cabin Back in the cottage, Roz and Donny are getting on like a house on fire. They are laughing and joking about old times when Niles enters carrying some nibbles. Donny: What about that time in Cancun when the car breaks down and that guy gives us a ride on- Roz: A donkey! [they laugh] Donny: [to Niles] Oh Niles, you have to hear this... [notices time] Oh God, I didn't realize it had gotten so late. I have to fax these contracts to the office right away. You wouldn't happen to have a machine, would you? Niles: Well, there's one in the study, it's right down that hall. But can't that wait? We're all getting so mellow here. Donny: You're right, it can wait. You know what we need? Another bottle of wine, I brought one, I'll get it. Niles: Excellent, excellent. Donny leaves to the kitchen. Niles sits with Roz. Niles: Well, it's going well, don't you think? Roz: Yeah, except your dad and Frasier will be here any minute, and if either one of them sees Donny, things are over. Niles: They're not going to see Donny, because you're going to invite him to watch the sunset down by the lake, you're going to continue to work his charms on him, and then you're going to invite him out to dinner, and who knows where that'll lead? [laughs] Well, what am I saying, we both know where that'll lead! Roz: You really think it'll work? Niles: Yes, yes, yes. At this point, unknown to Niles and Roz, Frasier enters and catches the rest of the conversation: Niles: Now you go down there and you enjoy that romantic sunset. I'll stay here with the baby. Frasier: Oh, for heaven's sake! You're not going to let her go down and enjoy the sunset by herself! Niles: Frasier, what are you doing back so soon? Frasier: I came back for some more ammo. Who knew ducks were so shifty? Listen, I know that you took my advice to heart, but I tell you I've changed my mind: I now approve of you and Roz. Niles: What? Frasier: Yes, yes, the two of you should go for it. OK, come on, off you two go, let's go. Niles: I don't think this is a good idea. Frasier: Why not? Roz: Yeah, I've changed my mind too, I'd rather stay here. Frasier: What? You know what, you guys are putting far too much stock in my opinion. Come on, let's get down to the lake and enoy that sunset. Niles: But-but- Frasier: Let's go, no, not another word. Down to the lake. Frasier manages to push Niles and Roz out of the front door and follows them. Donny enters from the kitchen with a bottle of wine. Donny: OK, I've got a... [no-one's around] From her bedroom, Alice starts crying. Donny: Alice, it's OK, honey! Donny puts the wine on the table and runs upstairs. After he exits, Frasier enters through the front door and goes to the table. He sniffs the wine and pulls a face before entering the kitchen for the extra ammo. At this point, Niles and Roz enter the room again. Niles: All right, you wait here, I'll get Donny. [enters kitchen saying] You know, Roz is heading down to the lake to catch that sunset... Frasier: [pushing Niles back out with him] And you should be going with her too! For God's sake, I told the two of you I withdraw my objection. Come on, let's go! Roz: I'm really worried about leaving Alice here alone. Frasier: Roz, listen, I will attend to the baby. I was just about to make myself a cup of tea anyway. Now come on, let's go. March, both of you! Out the door! You're going to catch that romantic sunset if I have to drag you down there myself. Frasier, Roz and Niles leave via the front door as Donny comes back out of Alice's room. He takes his documents and heads down to the fax in the hall. He closes the door behind him. Frasier enters back through the front door. Frasier: Good lord, I just can't believe the two of them. Ridiculous behavior! My God... [heads into the kitchen] AAH! He stumbles out, followed by a newly-arrived Daphne. Frasier: Daphne! Daphne: I'm sorry, did I startle you? Frasier: No, no, no, no, no. That's quite alright. It's just that if Niles knew you were here he would never... well, forgive himself for not being here to greet you. Daphne: Oh, he wasn't expecting me. My plans changed and I thought I'd drive up and join you all. Frasier: Oh, well isn't that nice? [then] You've got to leave! Daphne: Why?! Frasier: No, well you see, Niles is up here for what I think you Brits call a "dirty weekend" with someone... Daphne: Ooh... [chuckles] Frasier: And the someone happens to be Roz. Daphne: Roz? You mean, Roz Roz? Frasier: Yes, yes! Now, you've got to get out of here. Daphne: But I just drove two hours and it's getting dark outside! Frasier: All right, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what. There's a nice bed and breakfast just up the road. I think Dad, you, and I should all stay there this evening, alright? Daphne: All right. If you don't mind, could I use the bathroom first? Frasier: No, no, of course, right in there. Daphne enters the bathroom right next to the front door. Alice starts crying again. Frasier: Oh, dear God. Frasier runs up the stairs to tend to her. Meanwhile, Niles and Roz re-enter. Roz: Where's Donny? Niles: Well, he can't be in the kitchen, Frasier would have seen him. Roz: [sees the door to Alice's room] Look, the door! He must be up there. Niles: You keep a lookout, I'll go get him. Roz: OK. Niles: [goes to doorway] Why don't I take over here and you can join Roz? Frasier: [enters from room] For the love of God! If I'd known the two of you were gonna take my words this seriously I would have chosen them more carefully. For God's sake, get out of here, get down to that lake! Roz: You know, I really think I should check on Alice. Frasier: No, no, Roz, your baby is just fine. I burped her once and she went out like a light. Come on, let's go, Niles. Meanwhile, Niles has noticed that Donny is at the fax machine. So he blocks the door to the hall with a large wing chair and sits in it. However Donny begins opening it, so Niles shuffles about to cover up the sound. Niles: Oh, you know, I am thinking about it. I think it's much more romantic to stay here by the fire than watch some sunset. [Roz joins him] Why don't you clear out so we can have our privacy? Frasier: [confused] Well, alright. He is just about to leave when Daphne opens the bathroom door to enter the main room. Frasier pushes her back in and stands in front of it. Frasier: On the other hand, you know, you can enjoy the fire all night long. You've only got ten more minutes for the sunset. Martin enters from the front door. Martin: Are you going to get some ammo while it's still daylight? It's almost sunset. Frasier: Don't tell me, tell them! Martin: [tries to push Frasier away] Is that the bathroom? Frasier: No. Niles: Yes, it is. Frasier: It's out of order. At this point a knocking is heard on the door - Daphne's trying to get out. Frasier: Let me check again. Frasier opens the door and looks in, making a "sssshh" sound which also could be interpreted as a gushing nose. Frasier: My God, one of the pipes is burst and the other one's knocking. Roz and Niles give each other a weird look. Martin: Fine, is there one down the hallway there? [points to the door Niles is blocking] Niles: No. Frasier: Yes, there is! Niles: No, it's out of order too! Martin: [mad, to Frasier] Well, it's a good thing I brought all that beer! Frasier: You know, Niles, you're behaving awfully strangely. What the heck is going on? Niles: What do you mean? Frasier: I mean that you show absolutely no desire to be alone with Roz! I'm starting to have serious doubts about this so- called "romance"! Niles: Oh, really? Well, does this look so-called to you? [to Roz] Come here, Pookie! Niles pulls Roz across his lap and gives her a passionate kiss. They stop for air before going back for another. At this point Donny walks in through the front door, having gone out through back door, and spots the two. Donny: That's why the door was stuck. You two, why didn't you tell me? Frasier: Donny? Daphne: [entering from bathroom] Donny? Niles: Daphne? [jumps out of his seat, dumping Roz on the ground] Donny: Daphne? Frasier: [to Donny] What are you doing here? Donny: Well, Niles invited me. Frasier: [realizing] Oh, did he? Donny: Yeah, it was really nice of him. Roz and I had a chance to catch up on old times. Daphne: [remembering, but not angry] Oh, that's right, you two used to date, didn't you? Frasier: Well, isn't that nice of Niles to organize this little reunion?! Martin and Frasier both look annoyed at Niles and Roz. Daphne: I hope I don't have anything to worry about! [laughs] Donny: Oh come on, are you kidding? Donny and Daphne kiss which causes Roz and Niles to hit each other with frustration. Frasier: Well, [angrily] obviously Roz and Niles can barely keep their HANDS OFF EACH OTHER! You know, why don't all of us get out of here? Give these two little kids a little privacy. Daphne: [to Donny] You know, we could use some privacy of our own. Dr. Crane tells me there's a bed and breakfast up the road from here. Donny: Really? Daphne: [saucily] Really. Daphne leaves as Niles gapes at them. Donny stands in the doorway so Daphne comes back. Daphne: Even more fun if we both go. Donny: Yes, yes. They leave. Martin: Well, come on, Frasier, let's go get a nice Sloppy Joe. I'll pay for it. Frasier: Something tells me I'll pay for it too. [to Roz & Niles] Oh, I realize now that you two don't need my blessing, so I'll just leave you with this. He blows the duck call at them and leaves. They both look chagrined. End Of Act Two. (Time: 21:25) [SCENE_BREAK] Martin is reading his paper in Frasier's apartment. Eddie is lying next to his Chair. Martin's hand drifs to the breast pocket of his shirt, and he finds the duck call. He sounds it just for fun, but Eddie runs away. Martin goes back to reading the paper, but then Eddie comes back and drops a rubber duck into Martin's lap. Guest Appearances Special Guest Star SAUL RUBINEK as Donny Douglas Synopsis {kathy churay} This episode has been transcribed by Nick Hartley. But Kathy Churay has written a quick synopsis for those in a hurry. ACT ONE Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment - Day Martin is reading the paper and Frasier is at the table writing a letter as Donny and Daphne come in from a walk in the park. Daphne is glowing -- Donny romantically hid a basket filled with English goodies under a bush in the park where Daphne would find it. (Horrible stuff -- blood pudding, jellied eels, kidney pie.) Donny is clearly smitten. Niles enters from the kitchen, greets Daphne warmly and gives Donny a decidedly cool reception. Donny tosses Niles a set of keys which prove to be the keys to Shady Glen, Maris's lakefront cottage which Donny has acquired for Niles in the settlement. Niles is grateful but obviously torn, wanting to hate Donny but aware of the wonderful job Donny's doing as his advocate. He's even more conflicted as Daphne gives Donny a warm kiss goodbye at the door. After Donny's departure Niles tries to tell Daphne how ruthless lawyers are, to which Daphne responds that Donny is incredibly romantic, and exits happily to her room. Frasier reproves Niles for his unseemly behavior. Niles protests that for the first time he's free and single, and now Daphne is seeing someone. Frasier counsels patience: [SCENE_BREAK] Frasier: I'm sorry Niles, it's just that Donny and Daphne seem very happy together. Now either it's true love, in which case it's too late for you to declare yourself, or it's just a temporary infatuation-- Niles: It's got to be! It's got to be! Frasier: --in which case it will pass, and then you can make your move. In the meantime I suggest that you start looking elsewhere, maybe make a fresh start, do something to get your mind off of Daphne. Niles: I know, it's just difficult. [SCENE_BREAK] So Frasier suggests that he, Niles and Martin spend the weekend at Niles' newly acquired lakefront cabin. Martin says he can't, he has a dentist appointment on Saturday morning. Frasier suggest that Niles should go up to the cabin on Friday night, and Frasier and Martin can drive up on Saturday after Martin's appointment. Niles is enthused and begins selling the place to Martin -- stereo, big screen TV, wine cellar and sauna. Frasier catches Niles' enthusiasm and says he will buy a couple of ducks on the way up to make his famous Duck a l'Orange. Martin happily agrees and exits to his room. Frasier goes out to mail his letter. Frasier is barely out the door when Daphne reappears and Niles is offering to drive her up to the cottage on Friday night. "We're all going, and Dad and Frasier will be right behind." But Daphne can't. One of her cousins will be in San Francisco over the weekend and Daphne's promised to fly down. Donny's not coming with her, though. "That would have meant staying in a hotel together and I'm not sure we're ready for that yet." Niles is shocked and delighted to find out she and Donny aren't sleeping together yet. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 2 - Cafe Nervosa Niles and Martin are having coffee as Roz comes over with a cup of coffee and nowhere to sit in the crowded cafe. Martin yields his seat and puts on his jacket to head out to Duke's: [SCENE_BREAK] Martin: So how's the world treating you? Roz: Like dirt. My social life is non-existent. Every time I meet a guy who's halfway decent, all I have to do is mention I have a kid and he runs like a cheap pair of pantyhose. Martin: (laughing) Well, maybe you and Niles can cheer each other up. Niles: Dad-- Roz: Why, what's his problem? Martin: Oh, Daphne's got a new boyfriend and it's eating him up. Niles: (mortified) Dad! Roz: What? (to Niles, avid for the gossip) You've got a thing for Daphne? Martin: You didn't know that after all these years? Roz: No! I can't believe Daphne never told me! Martin: Well, how could she? She doesn't know either. Roz: (laughing) You're kidding! Niles: (glaring) Yes! Yes, he's a great kidder. Now, Dad, you run along, and you be very careful crossing streets. Martin: (to Roz) Six years, can you believe it? Roz: What? Martin: Some people just don't know when it's time to pull the plug. HE EXITS. Niles: (calling after Martin) Well, I won't make that mistake twice! NILES IS DEFENSIVE AS ROZ GRILLS HIM. Roz: So let me get this straight. You've been hot for Daphne all this time and you've never made a move? Niles: I was a happily married man. Roz: You were never happy, and you've been separated for almost two years. Niles: Well, somehow the right moment never came along. Roz: Oh, come on. I'm not trying to make you feel bad. It's just that you've been waiting all this time, and now she's got a boyfriend? (laughing) My god, that is really pathetic! Niles: Obviously you've never let someone you've grown to care deeply about get away. Roz: Well, sure I have. Niles: I'm not talking about when the migrant workers leave at the end of the picking season. Roz: No, really. I've had a couple of boyfriends I shouldn't have let get away. Niles: Serious relationships? Roz: Yeah. In fact, I can name one right off the top of my head. That lawyer I gave you? Donny? Niles: (intrigued) Really? Roz: Yeah. I mean, you only know him professionally, but he's very funny. Warm, thoughtful... We were together for about six months, but he wanted a family and I wasn't ready so I dumped him. Now I have the family, but no Donny. Gee, I wonder who he's seeing these days. NILES BEGINS TO CHUCKLE MALICIOUSLY. Roz: What's so funny? Niles: (laughing) I'll tell you in a minute. I just want to savor it. You've been having all the fun. Roz: (laughing along with him) So tell me? Niles: Donny is Daphne's boyfriend. Roz: (upset) That's not funny! When did this happen? Niles: She met him when he was working on my case. Roz: Wow. And I was calling you a loser. Niles: You never called me a loser. Roz: In my head I was. Niles: Well, at the moment I have to agree with you. I've had plenty of opportunities and I always chickened out. Roz: Aw, don't blame yourself. She's living with your brother, working for your dad, it's an awkward situation. Niles: It is! Well, don't feel bad about Donny. It wasn't right for you at the time. That's nobody's fault. Roz: Thanks, Niles. Hey, listen, the next time you find somebody you like, don't wait so long to tell her. (rising to go) Oh, I've got a babysitter waiting. Mrs. Hines is 70 years old and has a mole like Abe Lincoln, but I'll bet she has plans for the weekend. Niles: You know what? I just had the craziest idea. My settlement with Maris includes a beautiful lakefront cottage and I'm going up there this afternoon. Why don't you come along? You can bring Alice. Roz: Are you serious? Niles: Well, Frasier and Dad are coming up tomorrow, but tonight it'd just be us. Love's losers, licking our wounds and laughing at our pain. Roz: Gee, I don't know, I... Niles: Frasier's making Duck a l'Orange, and I'm bringing the wine. What about it? Roz: I never thought I'd say this, but you're on. Niles: Oh! In a funny way, this moment reminds me of that wonderful moment in "Streetcar Named Desire" when the brutish Stanley says to the ultra-refined Blanche, "We've had this date with each other from the beginning." Roz: Well, I don't know the play that well, but I can tell you right now I'm not all that refined. Niles: Actually, I was picturing you more as Stanley. [SCENE_BREAK] ACT TWO Scene 1 - The Cottage - Day Niles is opening a bottle of wine as Donny knocks and opens the front door. Niles is delighted to see him and Donny is happily planning to get lots of work done over the weekend until Roz emerges from the kitchen. Niles starts to introduce them, but "That's right, you two already know each other!" He sips his wine innocently as Roz stands transfixed at the sight of Donny, who greets her very warmly with a kiss and a hug. (Nice guy, this Donny!) Donny wants a place to leave his briefcase and Niles directs him to an upstairs bedroom, carefully pointing out, "But don't wake Roz's baby! She's in that first room." Donny the aspiring family man is delighted. "Roz, you've got a baby? Congratulations! That means that you're..." Niles: "Married? Nope, free as a bird!" Roz is shocked and wants to know what Niles thinks he's doing. She tells him she's not the type to steal a friend's boyfriend. Niles argues very reasonably that: (1) Roz saw Donny for six months, whereas Daphne's only had 3-4 dates with him, (2) Daphne and Donny aren't sleeping together, and (3) Roz had Donny first, and he did want to make a life with her. Roz is sorely tempted but accuses Niles of doing this just so he can have Daphne. Niles: "Yes! Yes! Yes, I want Daphne. I think we belong together, just like I think you and Donny belong together. And why should two people be happy when four people can be ecstatic?" Roz is weakening but still resistant, when Donny comes out of the bedroom carrying Alice. Apparently Alice doesn't take to strangers, but she's putty in the hands of Donny. That's it for Roz. With a last glance back at Niles and a whispered "How's my hair?" she follows Donny out of the room. Niles is just settling down on the couch with a self-satisfied smile and a glass of wine when Frasier and Martin burst through the front door with a hearty greeting. Niles appalled at their arrival a day early. Martin's dentist was sick, and the butcher shop was closed, so they headed up to the cabin early, with all the fixings for dinner except for the duck. Martin says it's no problem. Patting the rack of shotguns by the front door, he declares they can go out and shoot their own ducks. Frasier refuses, but Martin argues for the hunt, and goes off to the mud room to find ammunition for the shotguns. Niles is attempting to push a resisting Frasier back out the front door toward the duck blind, but Frasier refuses. "What the hell is going on? Are you trying to get rid of us?" Niles' denial is cut short by Roz emerging from the bedroom. To Frasier's shocked inquiry she replies, "Niles brought me," then goes out to the kitchen to heat up a baby bottle for Alice. As soon as she's out of the room Martin begins to chuckle slyly and nudge Niles knowingly. "Roz?" Frasier inquires in disbelief. Niles decides to go with it and says he brought Roz to the cabin with romantic intentions. After all, he's just following Frasier's advice to make a fresh start. Martin, meanwhile, decides to cooperate with Niles' new romance and pushes a reluctant Frasier out the door with the rifles and hunting gear. As Frasier and Martin leave, Donny emerges from the bedroom and is about to go out the front door to his car to retrieve something, but Niles pushes him out the back instead so he doesn't run into Frasier and Martin. Just as Donny leaves, Frasier comes back in the front to try to persuade Niles against forming a relationship with Roz. Niles tells him Roz is a sweet person underneath her rough exterior, and even Roz's call of "Niles, have you seen my nipples?" from the kitchen isn't enough to dissuade him. Frasier leaves in a huff. Scene 2 - The Duck Blind As Frasier and Martin are sitting in the camouflage blind waiting for ducks, they are discussing Niles's romance with Roz. Frasier is appalled, can't think of two people who are more different. But Martin points out that he and Hester were very different people and had 40 happy years together. Frasier can't think of a rejoinder to that argument, and has to admit he might be wrong. Knowing how his opinion influences Niles, he decides to go back to the house to tell Niles about his change of heart. Scene 3 - The Cottage - Sunset Donny and Roz are sitting on the couch enjoying the wine and one of Donny's funny stories as Niles emerges from the kitchen with a plate of canapes. Donny goes off to the kitchen to fetch another bottle of wine, leaving Niles to grill Roz about her progress with Donny. Roz is worried that Frasier and Martin will show up at any minute and blow the whole plan, but Niles has another idea. Roz will take Donny down to the lake to watch the sunset, where she'll work her charms on him, invite him out to dinner, and then, who knows? Niles volunteers to stay with the baby. But Frasier walks in just in time to hear Niles planning to stay inside with Alice. Frasier is appalled to think his opinion of their romance is dampening their ardor, and he pushes them out the door toward the lake to watch the sunset, following close behind them. As he leaves the room Donny emerges from the kitchen into a now-empty living room with the wine bottle. He doesn't have much time to wonder about it as he hears Alice crying from upstairs and goes off to comfort her. Frasier returns to the cabin for the ammunition and spots Donny's wine bottle. He picks it up, takes a sniff, makes a face and exits to the kitchen. As he leaves Niles and Roz sneak back in the front door. Niles heads into the kitchen loudly dropping hints about Roz going to watch the sunset, but instead of Donny he finds Frasier, who pushes him back out into the living room and out the front door again with Roz. Frasier follows. As the door closes Donny emerges from the bedroom into an empty living room, glances around, picks up a folder of documents and goes off to the study to fax them. As he leaves Frasier enters and heads for the kitchen, where he is startled to meet Daphne coming in with her overnight bag. Daphne tells Frasier about Niles' invitation, but Frasier tells her she has to leave because Niles is at the cabin for an intimate weekend with Roz. Daphne is surprised and reluctant to leave, having just driven two hours and arriving just dark is approaching. But Frasier is persuasive, and she agrees to go to a local bed and breakfast, to be quickly followed by Frasier and Martin. She heads for the powder room just off the living room. Frasier hears Alice crying and runs up the stairs to her room. Roz and Niles sneak back into the cabin looking for Donny. Niles notices Alice's door ajar and creeps over to the door, hissing, "Why don't I take over here and you can join Roz?" Frasier emerges from Alice's room and once again tries to push Roz and Niles out the door. But this time Roz refuses. "I really think I should check on Alice." Frasier tries again, but Niles refuses too. Niles drags a wing chair over in front of the kitchen door and sits in it, effectively blocking Donny who is trying to open the kitchen door but can only bump the back of Niles' chair. Niles beckons Roz over to him and she sits on the arm of his chair as Niles tells Frasier to clear out so he and Roz can be alone. Frasier frantically to persuade them to leave as he blocks the bathroom door with his own body so Daphne can't emerge into the living room. Just then Martin comes in, looking for ammunition for the shotguns before the light goes and they can't shoot any more ducks. He's looking for a bathroom too, but Frasier tells him it's out of order. He heads for the one in the back of the cabin, but Niles is still blocking the kitchen door and tells him that one's out of order too. Frasier accuses Niles of plotting some strategy, saying that Niles is showing absolutely no interest in being alone with Roz. Niles indignantly denies it. "Come here, Pookie!" he tells Roz, pulling her onto his lap and kissing her lengthily. But it's no good. Donny comes through the front door and sees Roz and Niles kissing. Then Daphne emerges from the bathroom and sees Donny. Niles drops Roz unceremoniously on the floor when he sees Daphne. [SCENE_BREAK] Frasier: Donny, what are you doing here? Donny: Niles invited me. Frasier: Oh, did he? Donny: Yeah, it was really nice. Roz and I had a chance to catch up on old times. Daphne: Oh, that's right. You two used to date, didn't you? Frasier: (knowingly) Oh, isn't that nice of Niles to organize this little reunion! Daphne: (to Donny) I hope I don't have anything to worry about. Donny: (kissing her) Oh, come on, are you kidding?...... ROZ AND NILES START HITTING ONE ANOTHER IN FRUSTRATION. Frasier: Well, obviously Roz and Niles can barely keep their hands off each other! You know, why don't all of us get out of here and give these two little kids a little privacy? Daphne: (to Donny) You know, we could use some privacy of our own. Dr. Crane tells me there's a bed and breakfast up the road from here. Donny: (hopefully) Really? Daphne: Really. SHE WALKS OUT THE FRONT DOOR. DONNY STARES AFTER HER WONDERING IF SHE REALLY MEANS IT. NILES IS HORRIFIED. DAPHNE COMES BACK AND TAKES DONNY BY THE ARM. Daphne: Even more fun if we both go! SHE PULLS HIM OUT THE DOOR. Martin tells Frasier to come out to dinner, and Frasier, disgusted, leaves Roz and Niles to their misery. SORRY, NO CREDITS AVAILABLE	Plan: A: the divorce settlement; Q: What event caused Niles to be awarded Maris' lake-front cottage? A: Frasier; Q: Who suggests that Niles and Martin go to Shady Glen? A: a weekend; Q: How long does Frasier suggest Niles and Martin spend at Shady Glen? A: his brother's mind; Q: What does Frasier want to take off his brother's troubles? A: Daphne; Q: Who does Niles try to convince to join him at Shady Glen? A: a plan; Q: What does Niles devise to split Daphne up from Donny? A: date; Q: What did Niles and Roz do before they were friends? A: Things; Q: What becomes more complicated when Frasier and Martin arrive ahead of schedule? A: her mind; Q: What did Daphne change about coming to Shady Glen? Summary: Niles has been awarded Maris' lake-front cottage, Shady Glen, in the divorce settlement. Frasier suggests he go with Niles and Martin to spend a weekend there, to take his brother's mind off his troubles. Niles tries to persuade Daphne to join them, but she declines. He then devises a plan to split her up from Donny, by inviting him to the cottage, and also inviting Roz, whom he used to date. He hopes that they may re-connect. Things start to become more complicated when Frasier and Martin arrive ahead of schedule, and Niles pretends that Roz is there for his benefit; and then Daphne also appears, having changed her mind about coming.
Stanley: [humming] What the hell? No. This is NOT happening. Erin: Didn't you get the memo? It's Stairmageddon! [claps and opens the door to the stairwell] Come on Stanley! [claps] [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Dwight is having maintenance done on the elevator today, and he was really on top of it. Weeks ago, he started the Stairmageddon Awareness campaign. The idea was to get us prepared, both mentally and physically, for a day that hopefully comes once in a 100 years. It's a... "Mageddon!" [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Come on! Come on, Stanley! Stay in it! Stanley: [growls] I put 17 damn years into this company, and now they're making me climb Stair Mountain! Erin: Come on! [claps] [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: Our office has an unusually large number of... unusually large people. [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: This is an abomination. Erin: Come on. You got this. Here. [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: So when something as routine as elevator maintenance happens, and people are forced to expend cardiovascular effort, we have to compare it to the end of time. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Red alert! Red alert! The reviews are in! I repeat, the reviews are in. Oscar: What? Andy: I just got a text from my brother. Scranton Times Tribune.com. There's a review of the documentary! Phyllis: [gasps] What does it say? Andy: I don't know, Phyllis! I just got the text and started screaming, "Red Alert." Dwight: Well, the alert was already set to "Red" because of Stairmageddon. You think I should set it to "Double Red"? Andy: I think we should. [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: [drinks a 5-Hour Energy shot and groans] [SCENE_BREAK] Oscar: "The Office: An American Workplace airing on PBS next month is a documentary following the employees of Scranton's own Dunder Mifflin Paper Company!" Everyone: Whoo! [applause] Nellie: "In this series, which will air starting in May, we get an in-depth look at many interesting local people. There's Kevin Malone, the falstaffian accountant. Dwight Schrute, the head salesman forever chasing a manager position he will never get." [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: What does Josh McAuliffe know about the paper business? He works for a news...thing. [SCENE_BREAK] Nellie: "Andy Bernard, the rudderless trust fund child-slash-middle manager, whose incompetence is emblematic of a declining American economy." Phyllis: Ouch. Sorry, Andy, that's-. Andy: It's okay. [chuckles] The hell does he know? Nellie: "A possible explanation for his lack of career focus is his surprising musical talent." Andy: I want you to print that out for me. Nellie: I will. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Now that this documentary is coming out, my days at Dunder Mifflin are probably limited. And you know what? Good. Because this is not what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to be my generation's Lisa Loeb. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: "Though it mostly focuses on the daily realities of office life, a lurid subplot reveals the hypocrisy of a local public figure embroiled in a gay affair while preaching family values." Nellie: Oh! Which public figure? Erin: I bet it's Katie Couric. I've been saying this for years. Phyllis: No, I think they mean more like a politician. Stanley: [walks into the office grunting and wheezing] You own the building. Why can't you fix the elevator in the middle of the night? Who do I look like? Jackie Joyner-Kersee? Dwight: Well, I did say it would be an inconvenience. You should have called me from downstairs. We could've met in the lobby. It's time to go out on a sale! Here we go. Stanley: Son, you've lost your mind. I'm not going anywhere until you fix my elevator. Dwight: The buyer is your sister's friend. This is the printing paper for the entire school district of Lackawanna. You are coming, and that's an order. Stanley: You are not my damn boss and you never will be! Guess what? Never gonna happen! Pete! Iced tea. Three sugars, five creams. Pete: Your morning 3-by-5. Coming right up. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Well, we won't be late. I love you, mom. Thanks. Nellie: Oh, your mom's watching the kids tonight. So what are you two up to? [chuckles] Oh, um, Embassy Suites. "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door. Mommy and Daddy are on the floor. Pam: [laughs] I wish. Nellie: [chuckles] What, then? Pam: Oh, nothing that exciting. [SCENE_BREAK] Nellie: Marriage counseling? Pam: Hmm. Nellie: Did you know that is the only kind of counseling I have never had? Pam: You know, Jim's kind of nervous about it, but I think it could really help. Nellie: Mmm. Pam: I mean, we've having issues. It can't hurt to talk about them, right? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Hey, Toby. Um, I wanted to ask you a question. Toby: Oh, sure. Jim: It's a little, uh, personal. Toby: Let's do it. Let's get personal. Jim: I wanted to talk to you about your divorce. Toby: Whoa. Jim: Sorry. I-no, no, no, what I meant-what I meant actually was- Toby: Oh, yeah, no, it's okay. I can handle it. Um, so... Jim: You guys obviously went through some tough times leading up to it. Toby: [chuckles, snorts] Jim: Okay. I was wondering if you ever did any couple's counseling. Toby: Oh, sure, lots of times. Yeah. Wait, you and Pam aren't in couple's counseling, are you? Oh, God. Jim: No, no, no, no, no. Uh, we're just starting couple's counseling. Uh, which doesn't sound any better. Toby: Oh, you guys. Kelly called it. 2013. So s-hey! Hey! Hey, no! No! Get outta here. Clark, get outta here. Clark: My mistake. Toby: Yes, it is your mistake. He's lingering. So annoying. I'm gonna kill him. How can I help? I'm here. Jim: That's all right. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Hello, William Morris Agency. I need to speak with your best agent who represents your biggest stars. Yes, I'll hold. I'm sorry. I misunderstood. Goodbye. [hangs up phone] [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: Thank you, Stan. Oh, honey. [Stan closes limo door] Look, I just want our life to get back to normal. Ribbon cuttings, charity balls. Robert: Don't worry. I've scheduled a press conference for later today. We just need to face the camera together. A beloved public servant and his devoted wife. And move on. Angela: All right, if I have to be the good wife, I'll be the best damn wife there is. Correction. Best darn wife. Sorry, I'm a better wife than that. [sighs] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Andy-[knocks] I need to talk to you. Andy: Yeah, come on in. I'm just on hold with another talent agency. It's insane. This promo with me playing banjo has 250 views already. And every time I click, there's more. 251. 252. I can't even keep up! Dwight: Stanley is refusing to go out on a sales call. Andy: [grunts intensely] I hate people! Why do they never do what you need them to do? Stanley has to go. That's final. Dwight: So what I'm hearing you say is, "Make Stanley go out on the sales call by whatever means possible"? Andy: Yes! I'm sorry I'm being curt, it's just I'm about to land a top talent agent. Dwight: Mm-hmm. Good luck. Andy: [on the phone] Directory? Movie Star department. Back. Directory. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: For five years I've held my instincts in check because I wanted to be made manager. Maybe it's time for me to just let that thought go. It's kind of painful, but it's also freeing in a way. Now it's all about my instincts. [SCENE_BREAK] Clark: Hey, Dwight. Dwight: Stanley, one way or another, you are gonna come with me to make this sale. Stanley: Pass. Clark: Hey, c-c-can you just let me out of here before whatever comes next? Dwight: Don't worry, it's just a bull tranquilizer. Nothing to be alarmed about. It's just a man pointing a bull tranquilizer at a coworker. Stanley: Dwight, you do not learn, do you? For a threat to be credible, you ha- Dwight: [fires tranquilizer gun at Stanley] Clark: Holy [bleep]. Stanley: No, you didn't. Sick of you and your-ooh- Dwight: [fires tranquilizer gun twice] Stanley: [falls to the floor with a loud thud] Dwight: It's all right. Andy approved it. [SCENE_BREAK] Meredith: Man, he's really in twinkle town now. Clark: Is he gonna be okay? I mean, weren't those darts intended for an animal, like, two to three times larger than him? Dwight: Okay, this dosage was meant for a very small bull, and Stanley's got way more body fat than they do. Clark: You gave him three shots. Dwight: Shh. Got about 45 minutes to get him to the client before he comes to. [claps] Grab his feet. [grunts] Let's go! Clark: All right. Dwight: Move it! One, two, three. [grunts] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: He's like a manatee. Ready? Let's go again. Come on. We can do this. One, two, three! [Stanley's head hits the door frame] Oh, God. No wonder my elevator cables are under such strain. Clark: We gotta get a wheelbarrow or something. Dwight: Yes. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [grunts] Okay, we're good. We're good. Let's go. Push! Clark: I am! [SCENE_BREAK] Clark: Any good weekend plans? Dwight: I might see a movie. Clark: Nice. Dwight: What about you? Clark: Uh, I don't know yet. Dwight: [grunts] Let's take him- Clark: I was thinking about... Dwight: Let's go right to the top of the stairs, okay? Clark: And then what? Dwight: Okay, listen. I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this, but I've never actually done this before. Clark: Well, if I may, you're a natural. Dwight: Thank you. I mean, I've rehearsed it in my head like 1,000 times, but, uh... Clark: That's a little weird. Dwight: I know. Evel Knievel. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [wraps tape around Stanley's body] Clark: [connect helmet straps around Stanley's head] That's about as good as that's gonna be. Dwight: Okay, now here's the plan. I'm gonna launch him. I need you to go to the bottom and catch him. Clark: Catch? Dwight: Yeah. Clark: I can't catch him. He's like, 250 pounds. Dwight: You use your hands and just blunt his descent, okay? He's gonna be moving slowly. It's only- Clark: Blunt? Dwight: It's 15 feet down, it's at a 45-degree angle. Get set in your haunches, it's like your catching a medicine- Clark: Dude, this size of my haunches- [Stanley's body slips down the stairs and his head thumps into a wall] Dwight: Okay. Good call. He would have put a hole in your chest same as he put a hole in that wall. Clark: We should probably call a doctor or something, dude. Dwight: [slides down the stairs and lands next to Stanley] You okay? [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: So how does it work? It's like, you know, the action of talking to a third party breaks up the log jam, or... Toby: You're really there to talk to each other. I would say that the therapist is more of a facilitator. Jim: Mm-hmm. Toby: He might start by asking each of you, "Why do you think you're here?" [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: He took this job in Philly without telling me. He bought our house without telling me. At a certain point, he shouldn't be rewarded for that. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: If I didn't do certain things without telling Pam, she'd be married to Roy. [chuckles] [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: I feel like he's always making these decisions for the family, and then I'm left playing catch-up. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: If she can just hang on for a little while longer, I-this will be so huge for our family. Toby: Well, what's a little while? Jim: What do you mean? Toby: I mean, what's the end date? It must be really hard for her to sign on to be unhappy if she doesn't know when it's gonna end. Jim: That's kind of an impossible question. [SCENE_BREAK] Erin: Oh, guys, it's starting! Hurry! Kevin: Ooh, there's Angela! I work with her! Andy: Huh, yeah. [chuckles] I mean, I'm happy Angela's the first one getting famous, but it's a little weird, no? I mean, she can't sing or act, so it's actually kind of insane, if you think about it. Phyllis: Her hair looks beautiful. Andy: Yeah, we get it, Phyllis, she looks like a freakin' movie star! [kicks trash can] Erin: Andy! Robert: [on the computer screen] I would just to start by saying that there have been some rumors about my personal life that I would like to settle once and for all. As my long-suffering wife can attest... I am gay. Crowd: [surprised chatter] Reporter #1: Senator, were always gay, or did your wife turn you gay? Reporter #2: Question for the Senator's beard. [SCENE_BREAK] Robert: [on the computer screen] I'll say it again for mis amigos latinos. Yo soy homosexual. Pete: Poor Angela. Phyllis: Yeah. Poor Angela. Robert: I once believed that a gay person could be somewhat straight. It wasn't until my marriage to Angela that I realized how...charmless I find the female body. Meredith: Oof. Always hurts to hear that one. Robert: There's someone else I need to thank. His name is Oscar Martinez. Andy: Come on! Robert: Oscar is the one who opened my eyes to who I really am. For the first time- Erin: Oscar is with the Senator too? Kevin: Yes! And I knew it the whole time! I kept the secret. I kept the secret so good. You didn't know, you didn't know, and you didn't freaking know. But I knew! [claps] Oscar: He knew! Kevin: Yes, we did it! Oscar: You did it, Kevin. Kevin: Yes! Ohh! I did it. Ohh, I did it. Robert: --with this new self-awareness, I was finally able to find love at long last. With my amazing... Chief of Staff Wesley Silver. Oscar: What?! Creed: Wesley Silver's gay? Crowd: [surprised chatter] Angela: [gasps] Kevin: Ohh. Creed: They make a nice couple. Angela: [gags] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Almost there. Almost there. [opens car door] Okay. We're running late. Let's get him inside. Clark: We can't just leave him bubble wrapped like this. Dwight: Are you kidding me? The bubble wrap is the only thing that's stopping his suit from getting wrinkled. These meetings are all about presentation. Clark: That's actually really smart. Dwight: Thank you. Clark: God, if only there was any other use or situation for that kind of knowledge. Dwight: Let's get him inside. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Carla Fern is not just an actor's agent. She does writers, directors, travel, and real estate. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Actor? Man: Oh, no. [chuckles] Well, I have an act. Dog, cat, mouse. Andy: Yeah, wow, cool. Is it hard to train them to do that? Man: Eh, you go through a lot of mice. [SCENE_BREAK] Man: If started by accident as these things tend to do. You know, I was setting down my cat, and I accidently put her on top of my dog, and I was, like, so mad at myself at first. And then I was, like, wait. Wait a second. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Does anything go on top of the mouse? Man: Yeah. Little hat. Andy: Aw, that's cute. Man: Yeah. Andy: What's the mouse's name? Man: Eh, you know, it really doesn't make sense to name the mice. They're kinda like cannon fodder, you know? You're not one of those PETA guys , are you? [cat jumps off dog] Oh, great. [SCENE_BREAK] Clark: Hey, wait, wait, how-how are we doing this? Dwight: Well, I'll grab the forelegs, and you push his hindquarters. Clark: Just say "arms" and "legs," okay? That just-that's the vernacular that I'm comfortable with. Dwight: Fine, let's go. [grunts] Clark: [sighs] Dwight: Hoist his shank on three. Clark: Wha-What's a shank? Dwight: It's by the tenderloin. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Roll him, roll him, roll him. Good. Good. Okay, careful, he's slouching. Okay, can you-sl-slouch him into the seat. [sighs] Here. Here. Go around and get his seatbelt. [grunts] Clark: All right. Dwight: Got it? Clark: Yeah-yup yup. Dwight: [grunts and closes car door] Get in the back. Clark: What? Dwight: Get in the back. Clark: Aw, come on. Dwight: Get in. Clark: Damn it. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Okay, Stanley? Do you understand what we're about to do? Stanley: Helllloooo! Clark: Okay. We, hey-hey, listen, listen. We are going to go discuss paper contracts for city of Lackawanna public schools, okay? Stanley: Pigeons. Dwight: Oh, God, this is bad. Looks like we've got no choice. You, my friend, are going to have to be Stanley Hudson. Clark: Isn't the client, like, best friends with his sister? Dwight: New plan, okay? We get him a cup of coffee and we go back to the old plan. Let's go! Gimme a hand. Here we go. Come on, Stanley! Here we go. Upsie-doozie. There we go. Okay, all right. Come on, big guy. You can walk, right? Yeah. What a pretty smile. Let's go. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: I'm sure Athlead will be a huge success. But I don't want him to do it anymore, and I don't want to give him an ultimatum, but I am not moving our family to Philly. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Well, if Pam says she won't go, then-[chuckles] we're gonna need a lot more than counseling. Hmph. [SCENE_BREAK] Nellie: That was exhausting. Toby: Blah blah blah blah. Jim. Nellie: Well, they deserve each other, then. Toby: They do. That they do. Nellie: That is for sure. Toby: [whispers] That they do. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: And for-oh, whoopsie daisy. [chuckles] Mrs. Davis: Stanley, what is going on here? Dwight: He's fine. He gets carsick really easily. Clark: Driving. Dwight: It's a long drive. He was in the backseat. But right now we're talking to Mrs. Davis about the full range of the products that we offer and our competitive rates, right, Stanley? Stanley: Ooh-hoo, look at that baby... Dwight: Stanley. Stanley: Ohhh... Mrs. Davis: That's Benji in the middle. Stanley: That's Benji. Oh, he's precious. That's a healthy-looking baby. Mrs. Davis: Very special little boy. Dwight: Look at him. I've never seen such a beautiful child. Mrs. Davis: Funny sense of humor. If you push on his nose, he'll go, "eee." Dwight: Like this? Watch. Stanley: Eee. Everyone: [laughs] Mrs. Davis: Like that. Stanley: A beautiful family. [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [laughs] Right? Come on! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Yeah, maybe I'll never be manager, but I just managed to get our most stubborn salesman to close a sale with one of our biggest clients, and I must say, it's the most pleasant I've ever seen Stanley. I think we should consider injecting him with bull tranquilizer on a daily basis. Carla: So, what can you do? Andy: [Australian accent] Well, what can't I do? Right, I can sing, I can dance, I can play the banjo, innit? And if you hadn't noticed, I've got a pretty good British accent. Carla: Can you drive a car? Andy: At the risk of sounding arrogant, I did drive myself here. Carla: Why do you have, uh, a high school musical here on your resume? What are you, like, 40? 45? Andy: My exact age is 28 to 34, so basically just send me out on whatever Jake Gyllenhaal's going out on. Carla: Gyllenhaal, got it. Can you juggle and crap? Andy:: Yes. And yes. [chuckles] Carla: Would you dress up as, say, a birthday clown and go to a kid's party, let 'em throw pies at ya? Andy: Whereas that is not why I have entered show business, I do understand that you have to build credibility. [sniffs] I'm all for it. Carla: Well, Mr. Bernard, I'm gonna be honest with you. Andy: Well, at least I tried. Thank you very much. Carla: Uh, no. We're-we're gonna take you on as a client. Andy: You are? Yes! Yes. Are you being for real right now? Oh, man. Ah, yes! I need this so bad. I really think this is what could fix me. Carla: We are extremely excited to be working with you too, sir. Pay Todd on your way out. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Most talent agents take 10% of whatever jobs they get you, but with Carla you pay a flat rate of $5,000 up front. And that includes headshots. Todd: Uh, it doesn't include headshots. Andy: It doesn't include headshots. Todd: No. Andy: Well, of course not, because that would be insane if it did. Still getting a bargain, though. [SCENE_BREAK] Stanley: So I just smiled and complimented her grandkids, and we closed it? Dwight: You earned yourself a nice, fat commission and you didn't even know it. I'll go tell Andy the good news. Oh. [chuckles] Silly me. Gotta take the stairs. Stanley: Oh, no, I'm not doing that again. You got me down, you gotta get me back up. Dwight: Well-no, no-n- Stanley: [stabs his own leg with a tranquilizer dart and falls to the ground] Dwight: [stomps on the ground] We need a winch and a hoist.	Plan: A: the stairs; Q: What do the office workers have to walk up when the elevators are under maintenance? A: Stairmageddon; Q: What is the name of the situation where the office workers have to walk up the stairs? A: Stanley; Q: Who refuses to go back down the stairs to close a sale? A: a few bull tranquillizer darts; Q: What does Dwight use to knock out Stanley? A: a drugged Stanley; Q: What do Dwight and Clark take on the sales call? A: time; Q: What do Pam and Jim spend talking with Nellie and Toby about their marital troubles? A: couples; Q: What type of counselling do Pam and Jim seek? A: Angela; Q: Who attends a press conference with the senator who outs himself as gay? A: the senator; Q: Who outs himself as gay on television? A: Oscar; Q: Who is shocked when Angela finds out about the senator's relationship? A: Andy; Q: Who meets with a talent agent named Carla Fern? A: ( Roseanne Barr; Q: Who is Carla Fern? Summary: The elevators are under maintenance and the office workers have to walk up the stairs, a situation everyone deems the "Stairmageddon". Exhausted after climbing the stairs, Stanley refuses to go back down in order to close a sale with one of their bigger clients. Dwight is forced to shoot Stanley with a few bull tranquillizer darts to knock him out. Dwight and Clark then take a drugged Stanley on the sales call. Pam and Jim spend time talking with Nellie and Toby respectively about their marital troubles and couples counselling. Angela attends a press conference with the senator who outs himself as gay on television, and shocking both her and Oscar, reveals his relationship with his chief of staff. Andy meets with a talent agent named Carla Fern ( Roseanne Barr ).
(Continuing from last week. Sydney bangs on the ice but it has frozen over. Under water, she looks around and sees the dead marksman who was shooting at Cooper and Novak under the ice. One of them must've shot him and killed him during the gunfire. Sydney swims over and takes his breathing apparatus. She takes a swig. He's still holding onto his rifle. Sydney takes it from him, swims closer to the top, and shoots at the ice. Panting and shivering, she reaches the ice on the side of the water but can't lift herself up. She sinks back into the water until Dixon reaches in and pulls her out. They fall back onto the ice, hugging each other.) DIXON: Sydney. SYDNEY: (shivering) Hi. (Sydney sits in front of Sloane's desk with a cup of coffee.) SLOANE: The music box that you were sent to retrieve. Mr. Sark got away with it. SYDNEY: Yes. But after five hundred years buried in the Siberian ice, the music box was corroded. It practically fell apart in my hands. SLOANE: That's odd. SYDNEY: What's that? SLOANE: Milo Rambaldi. He's done this before, many times. Hiding information inside works of art. The clock, sculpture. Hmm. This time he chose to bury one of his most important innovations -- the formula for zero-point energy -- inside a music box. SYDNEY: You're talking about an inventor who lived five hundred years ago. Anything regarding Milo Rambaldi seems odd to me. SLOANE: Well, what's unusual isn't how he hid the information, Sydney, it's where. Why would Milo Rambaldi go to the unimaginable length of having catacombs built in Siberia only to leave his music box exposed to corrosive elements? (Flashback: Sydney spraying something on the music box to make it dissolve and rust.) SYDNEY: Another Rambaldi mystery. (Self-storage building. Sydney and Vaughn meeting.) VAUGHN: So do you think Sloane suspects you? SYDNEY: That I used the inhaler to corrode the music box? No, I don't think so. (Flashback: Sydney and Sloane hugging, Sloane with a big smile on his face.) SYDNEY: (VO) Sloane made sure I knew how relieved he was that I made it back safely. (Back to the self-storage.) SYDNEY: I went home, took a shower, and came here. VAUGHN: Good. By the way, you should know Siberia was a complete success. When you activated the music box, we recorded it. It's at Langley for analysis. So we got the intel and Sloane didn't. SYDNEY: Neither did Sark. (She looks down.) VAUGHN: What? SYDNEY: The information my mother gave us helped us again, that's all. VAUGHN: You know you can talk to me about your mother. SYDNEY: I know that doing that is harder for you than you make it seem. VAUGHN: Well, it's my job. SYDNEY: Vaughn, she killed your father. VAUGHN: Yes, thank you. SYDNEY: You don't have to pretend with me. VAUGHN: And you don't have to withhold. SYDNEY: All I'm saying is that it's unfair. VAUGHN: Well, maybe so, but I certainly didn't join the CIA looking for fairness! After everything she's done to you, are those things you could ever forgive? SYDNEY: I don't know. VAUGHN: Yeah, well, your father doesn't share that ambiguity. He's meeting with Assistant Director Kendall right now and he is lobbying to have your mother taken away. (Sydney marches into the joint task force offices and finds Kendall and Jack talking.) KENDALL: As long as she's helping us in the war against SD-6 and the Alliance, she stays! SYDNEY: Did you even read my report? JACK: Yes, of course. SYDNEY: Well, why are you completely disregarding what I wrote? KENDALL: Great job in Siberia, Agent Bristow. SYDNEY: Thank you. KENDALL: Excuse me. (He leaves them alone.) JACK: I agreed with what you wrote, that on more than one occasion, your mother has provided crucial intel to the CIA and to the detriment of SD-6. It would even appear that her actions have kept you out of harms way. SYDNEY: Dad, that's a fact! JACK: There's another fact! Nothing that woman says or does can be taken at face value. Her motivations are strictly her own and now that your dealings with your mother have taken on an emotional component, I'm concerned. SYDNEY: Well, don't be. I'm more professional than that. Every one of our discussions has been specific and mission-related. JACK: You told her about your school play. SYDNEY: You heard me tell her I was a turkey. JACK: Yes. SYDNEY: You were watching me. Dad, I have enough spying in my life to worry about. JACK: What I've been watching is you make the same mistakes with that woman that I did. Sydney, she's someone that you've idealized for almost twenty years. You didn't learn about her history with the KGB until recently. SYDNEY: What does that matter? JACK: That you've wanted a mother -- your mother -- all your life and now here she is. SYDNEY: Dad... you don't have to worry about me. I'm not that naive. JACK: I'm sure that's something we both hope is true. (He leaves.) (Sloane's alone in his office. Jack knocks and Sloane punches a few buttons that unlocks the door. Jack enters.) JACK: You wanted to see me? SLOANE: Yeah. (Jack sits.) SLOANE: Several nights ago, I received a phone call at my home. There was no one at the other end, just some high-pitched static, but something about the call left me unsettled. JACK: Did security section run a trace? SLOANE: Yeah. The call originated in Sonoma, California. The Baranca Bed and Breakfast Inn. Emily and I spent some time there. It was our favorite getaway. JACK: Simple. It was a wrong number. SLOANE: I'm not so sure. JACK: I don't understand what you're suggesting. SLOANE: I'm suggesting that someone may be trying to leave me unsettled. I would like you to send someone to Sonoma, Jack. I need to know who made that call. JACK: Sure, I'll get security section-- SLOANE: Jack, I don't want this to get back to the Alliance. They can't know that I'm taking measures. JACK: I understand. SLOANE: Good. JACK: I'll send Dixon. SLOANE: Jack, there's something else. After Sark recovered Rambaldi's music box, we tracked him to a safehouse in the Falkland Islands. Sent in a team. JACK: And did we retrieve it? SLOANE: Yes. It was destroyed with age as Sydney said. Worthless. But we found something else. (Sydney and Francie are eating cereal and laughing.) SYDNEY: He was like eighty years old? FRANCIE: At least. Syd, I'm serious. (Phone rings in the background.) FRANCIE: I expected like a delivery guy to be buffed out. I mean, he sounded hot on the phone... SYDNEY: Was he a cute eighty? FRANCIE: Shut up! (Will walks in.) FRANCIE: Hey. WILL: Francie, there's a woman on the phone from the health department. FRANCIE: Ooh, I'm getting graded today. (She leaves to get the phone.) WILL: How's it going? SYDNEY: Okay. WILL: (lower voice) How's your mom? SYDNEY: Oooh... How are you? WILL: Well, I've got four weeks left of community service and then I'm done. Hey, um, you remember last week when I cooperated and let the CIA hypnotize me? SYDNEY: Yeah. WILL: What happened with that? I mean, was I helpful at all? And I'm only asking because about five minutes ago I was doing pretty well as a reporter, you know, and now I'm a dishwasher living in denial. That's all. SYDNEY: The information you provided was huge. WILL: Huge? Really? SYDNEY: Because of you, the CIA scored a real victory. I should have told you that before, I'm sorry. WILL: No, no, no, don't worry about it. That's so good to know. (Sydney's pager goes off. She looks at it.) WILL: Good guys or bad guys? SYDNEY: Neither. My father. (Middle of nowhere, the two Bristows drive up and get out of their vehicles.) SYDNEY: Everything okay? JACK: I talked with Sloane this morning. He sent a team after Sark. He wanted to recover the music box. SYDNEY: I told him it was ruined. JACK: Yes, but he wanted it anyway. He tracked down Sark to a location in the Falklans. (Flashback: Several SD-6 men storm a small shack, guns aimed. Sark is standing at the back of the room and starts firing his gun.) JACK: (VO) Sark fought back. He got away. (Sark dives through a boarded up window and escapes.) JACK: (VO) They did, however, find a man at that location who was being held and tortured. His name is Klaus Richter. Three weeks ago Richter was in Barcelona. (The men find Richter tied to a chair, sweating and panting.) (Back to meeting.) SYDNEY: When I was there. JACK: Yes, along with your mother. The operations manual of the organization your mother used to run -- The Bible. Anyone who gets their hands on that book will gain access to all the contacts, technology, and weaponry they amassed over the last ten years. Sloane believes your mother gave the book to Richter, that he was the man who hid the book. SYDNEY: Do you think that's true? JACK: I know it is. They brought Richter into an SD-6 holding cell and I interrogated him. (SD-6 holding cell. It's a small and dark room and Richter is on his back, arms spread open. He's panting and sweating profusely. Jack slowly walks in.) JACK: (VO) Before being brought into SD-6, Richter was screened for every type of possible infection -- ebola, HIV, retroviruses. They didn't finda thing, yet this man was clearly dying. Medtech believes he may have been suffering from an allergic reaction to something Sark used on him. Apparently the first sign of illness was bleeding from the fingernails. (Richter's fingers are all bandaged, with blood seeping through the white gauze.) (Back to the meeting.) JACK: Sloane wanted me to torture him but that man was tortured as it was. (Back to the interrogation, Jack gets out a syringe.) JACK: (VO) So I gave him morphine. (Jack injects him and takes off the rubber band around his arm.) JACK: Irina Derevko gave you the operations manual for her syndicate. I would like you to tell me where you've hidden it. RICHTER: Derevko is a great woman. JACK: Morphine's not bad, either. Let me be clear. I've only given you enough to last five minutes. Cooperate and get all you want. Resist and you get none. (Richter winces.) JACK: Where did you hide that manual? (Meeting with Sydney outside.) JACK: The location was too remote to describe. It turns out Richter had designed a map to lead your mother back to the book's location. SYDNEY: So where's the map? JACK: Inside a first edition of War and Peace located at the technical services library at Fapsi headquarters in Moscow. SYDNEY: Fapsi headquarters. JACK: Sloane is preparing to send you to Moscow to retrieve Richter's map. I've had the CIA fabricate a bogus map. You go to Moscow, retrieve the real one, which you'll return to the CIA. You'll give SD-6 this map which will lead them to the middle of the Sunken Forest. SYDNEY: Why have you come to me like this? Before my SD-6 briefing? You giving me the CIA countermission instead of Vaughn? JACK: Because this is the best way to respond to your responsibilities. SYDNEY: No. I know what this is. You don't want me to take this to Mom. JACK: There's no benefit in seeing her. You have all the information you need. SYDNEY: We don't know that! JACK: Sydney, we've been doing this long enough to know that our system works. SYDNEY: Our system was stagnant until Mom turned herself in! Dad, we've covered this. We've both been betrayed by this woman. The difference between you and me is that I'm willing to squeeze her for everything she's got to take down the enemy and to get me the hell out of this life as soon as possible! Anything. (NA meeting. Will sits in front of everyone.) WILL: I'm Will, and I'm an addict. EVERYONE: Hi, Will. WILL: I never thought bout my reputation until I lost it. It all happened very publicly so people actually look at me at the market and stuff. "Okay, there's the drug addict from the newspaper." Well, actually... there has been one happy byproduct from all this. I have a good friend who, it turns out, I, uh... I didn't know at all before. And now she and I can talk in a way that we never did before and uh... and I don't think I would trade that for anything. (Later, Will inspects the box of donuts.) REBECCA: The same thing happened to me. WILL: What? REBECCA: I learned who my true friends were when everyone found out about my habit. Uh, I'm Rebecca Martinez. WILL: Hi. I'm Will Tippin, nice to-- REBECCA: I know who you are, Will Tippin. I read your articles. The reporter with the big imagination who fell in love with the heroin chic lifestyle. WILL: Yeah. Yeah, that's me. REBECCA: My theory? I don't think you ever really were a drug addict. WILL: Why would you say that? REBECCA: Well, I believe what you wrote about SD-6 was true. I think you got too close to some kind of secret conspiracy and they had to shut you down. They probably came after you, told you not to talk. I mean, they couldn't kill you, could they? No. That would expose them. So they threatened you and then to ruin your reputation they shot you up. WILL: No. Uh, no. I-I made up all that stuff about SD-6. That was me. That was me, being an idiot. What? REBECCA: Sorry. I'm sort of a conspiracy theorist. I have a web page, conspiracychick.com Here. (gives him her card) I want to prove your story about SD-6 was real. (The prison doors buzz as Sydney walks to her mother's cell. She comes up close to see Irina reading a book, sitting on her bed. Sydney gets a chair and sits down.) SYDNEY: Klaus Richter is in SD-6 custody. I'm aware that you refused to give the CIA details about this operations manual you had Richter hide away and I understand why. The knowledge contained in that manual is your only leverage. But now, having spoken with Richter, SD-6 is after it. Richter was found in the custody of Mr. Sark. We don't know what Sark knows. He might already have the map in his possession. I'm here because SD-6 is sending me to Moscow. I'm going to retrieve the map at Fapsi headquarters. So if you want to help the CIA, as you claim to, you'll give us any information you have that will facilitate the recovery of Richter's map. IRINA: When I turned myself over to CIA, a pair of earrings were taken from me. They have sentimental value. I'd like them back. SYDNEY: I'll see what I can do. IRINA: And in good faith, tell me how you plan on breaking into the library. (Jack is in therapy with Dr. Barnett. His arms are folded across his chest and he taps his fingers against his forearm distractedly.) JACK: She went to see her mother. I tried... I tried to stop her. I made it clear. BARNETT: Made what clear? JACK: Trusting her mother. She's playing with fire. BARNETT: We've had this discussion. JACK: There's no one else to do this job. BARNETT: Sydney went to see her mother. JACK: Yes. She's there now... looking for help. (Sydney and Irina are bonding.) IRINA: The east wing stairwell is an option, I can see why SD-6 chose that route. But there's a better way to get to the sixth floor library. Write this down. Once you're inside the building, don't take the main stairs. You just look to your left and there's a door... (Back in therapy.) JACK: No one wants a happy ending to this story more than I do but I know this woman. I know her charms. I know her tricks. The way she presents herself, she disarms you. Some people have that talent. Compared to all of them, Irina Derevko is extraordinary. BARNETT: Is there any chance that all she wants is forgiveness? JACK: No. BARNETT: Be specific about your concerns. JACK: I don't know what it is Derevko wants. Maybe something within the CIA, maybe to recruit Sydney to her side. I can tell you I know this -- Derevko is using this agency and my daughter to get whatever it is that she wants and everywhere I look people are complacent and cooperative! Listening to--! (He stops and tries to calm down.) JACK: Listening to a woman who killed operatives of the CIA. Who destroyed countless lives. BARNETT: Yours? (Sydney closes her notepad and smiles but tries to hide it.) SYDNEY: We'll take your suggestions into consideration. IRINA: Be careful. (Sydney looks up and smiles a little. Irina smiles as Sydney gets up to leave. She starts walking out.) JACK: (VO) You asked me what I was afraid of. I can tell you, it's obvious. (Sydney smiles and leaves the prison.) (Therapy.) JACK: I'm afraid of losing my daughter. (Vaughn walks in the self-storage meeting place but Sydney's already there waiting.) VAUGHN: Hey. So I heard your father came to see you and he tried to preempt my involvement. SYDNEY: He was just trying to keep me away from my mother. VAUGHN: I know. SYDNEY: She actually had some intel for this mission that could help. VAUGHN: Good. Listen, as far as your mother's concerned, it's ridiculous for you to worry about me. I mean, I'm fine. What she did to my father, I can handle. But when I heard what your father did, coming to see you like that, I realized how insane it must be for him, having your mother back in his life. Which only concerned me because that means he's not making it any easier for you. So before you leave for Moscow I just wanted to say that you might feel alone in all this, like you don't have an ally. (pause) I'm your ally. Never question that. (Sydney gets tears in her eyes. An agent walks in.) AGENT: Miss Bristow, your plane's standing by. SYDNEY: I'll see you when I get back. (They smile at each other. Sydney leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] (In Moscow, Sydney walks in wearing an army outfit with medals on her chest. She comes to two guards standing in front of the metal detector.) GUARD: (in Russian) Credentials please, Major. SYDNEY: (in Russian) I see you're wearing the order of the Red Star, first class. GUARD: (in Russian) Yes, ma'am. I was in Grozny. SYDNEY: (in Russian) We lost a lot of good people in Chechnya. (He waves her through. When she walks through the metal detector, the alarm goes. She comes back and puts her arms out to be scanned. The other guard waves the metal detector in front of her and it goes off when he puts it near her chest.) GUARD: (in Russian) Sorry for the delay. (They salute her. She nods and walks through, gets to the elevator. She takes a medal off of her chest.) (Flashback: Marshall's workplace. He holds the cluster of medals.) MARSHALL: Okay, these medals that you won? Well, you didn't really win them and they're not really medals. This one right here is the Order of Bravery, right? Not a medal, right? No. It's an electronic skeleton key. (Sydney puts the medal into the pad and the elevator goes up.) MARSHALL: (VO) It'll get you access to the sixth floor. (Sydney takes the medal out and runs down the hall. She gets to the library door but it's locked.) (Back to Marshall's office.) MARSHALL: This one -- the Order of Zukov, first class -- this will get you into the technical library. (Sydney walks around the stacks of books and goes to a computer. She sits down and takes another medal off.) (Marshall's still holding up all the medals.) MARSHALL: Now this one is the Order of Merit, it'll get you into the A.S.R.S. SYDNEY: What's the A.S.R.S.? MARSHALL: Okay, the majority of the books are kept in a secure area underneath the building. Now, in order to get them you're going to need to get to the selection terminal. (Sydney's at the computer, in the system.) MARSHALL: (VO) What you'll do is type in the name of the book you want then there's going to be this, like, automatic crane thing that retrieves the book that you've requested and then deposits it over on the sixth floor, okay? (Sydney types the title in and watches the video footage on the computer as the mechanical crane selects the book and brings the drawer over to the opening to slide it down a chute to the sixth floor library.) (Marshall's office.) MARSHALL: Now, just make sure you don't remove the medal until after you've logged off the system or you'll probably set off the alarm, okay? (He tries to put the medals on his shirt but it pierces his skin.) MARSHALL: Owww! Actually, it felt kind of good. (Library. The crane brings it over. Beep. The book slides down right behind Sydney. But a gun cocks in her face. Sydney looks up to see Sark, dressed in a similiar outfit to Sydney's, minus the skirt of course.) SARK: Whatever Arvin Sloane pays you, it can't be enough. Would you consider coming to work for me if it meant I'd let you walk out of here? I believe if you took the time to hear the comprehensive offer, you might actually say yes. (Sydney checks him out, looking him up and down.) SYDNEY: You're cute, but I'll pass. (She removes the medal which makes the alarm go off. Sydney jumps up from her seat and delivers an uppercut to Sark's face, making his Russian army hat fly off. They both block each other's punches for a bit until Sark kicks Sydney hard and makes her fall into a bookshelf. He runs over to the book, finds the map, but the Russian guards come in and see him. Sark rolls behind a desk and aims his gun. The guards and Sark shoot at each while Sydney sneaks over from her hiding place and picks up the fallen map. She runs up the stairs to the seventh floor as the guards throw Sark on the ground. Sydney runs out but the guards see her and start yelling. Up on the seventh, she runs down a hall. The guards are following. She runs into an office, hides behind a desk and removes her belt buckle which is a phone. Back in LA, Vaughn's cell rings.) VAUGHN: Go ahead. SYDNEY: It's me! I am trapped in the technical services building. I need a way out! My mother said something about secret passages. Get her on the phone! (Meanwhile the guards are checking every room for her, kicking in doors with their guns ready.) (Vaughn runs down the hall to Irina's cell, ducking under the bars to get there. He slaps the glass of her cell to get her attention, his phone up to his ear.) VAUGHN: Sydney's trapped in the Fapsi building in Moscow! She needs a way out, now! IRINA: Where is she, exactly? VAUGHN: (on phone) Where are you exactly? SYDNEY: An office on the seventh floor! VAUGHN: An office on the seventh floor. (The guards are coming closer, entering another office.) IRINA: Whose office? VAUGHN: (on phone) Whose office? (Sydney turns around and looks at the nameplate on the desk.) SYDNEY: General Vitali Siminov. VAUGHN: General Vitali Siminov. IRINA: Ask her if there's an abstract painting behind the desk. VAUGHN: (on phone) Is there an abstract painting behind the desk? SYDNEY: Yes, yes, yes! VAUGHN: Behind it, there's an activation switch for a private security door. (Sydney gets up and moves the painting. She hits the switch and the desk moves away from the wall. Vaughn waits. The guards storm the office just as the desk moves back into place. Shouting in Russian, they check the office but Sydney's gone. Outside the building she calmly walks by a line of tourists waiting to get in.) TOURIST: What time does this place open? SYDNEY: (in Russian accent) Not for another hour! (She keeps walking.) SYDNEY: I'm out and I've got the map. (Back at the cell, Vaughn sighs with relief.) VAUGHN: Copy, Freelancer, see you at home. (He hangs up and looks at Irina.) IRINA: How do you say "thank you" to the woman who killed your father? VAUGHN: You don't. (Later, Sydney and Vaughn sit down at the joint task force offices.) VAUGHN: Sark asked you to come work with him? SYDNEY: Like it wasn't even a question, like it was a done deal. Sark is like the good-looking guy in high school who knows how cute he is and won't take no for an answer. VAUGHN: Any suspicious reaction to the map you gave SD-6? SYDNEY: No. They're analyzing it now. VAUGHN: Good. We have a CIA tech trying to decode the real map. They're having trouble with it. SYDNEY: Do you think Richter used cipher text only they could read? VAUGHN: Maybe. Your mother might be able to help us with this. SYDNEY: If you're aking me to go see her again, she did have a request. (Irina's cell. The drawer opens and she takes out her earrings.) SYDNEY: They've been checked for hidden compartments, transmitters, passive sensors. Every sharp edge has been dulled. IRINA: I was twenty-one years old when I was given these at the graduation from the academy. My mother -- your grandmother -- put these in my hands. I cried. She said, "Sweetheart, wear them well." You would have liked her. Had things... been different. (Sydney puts the map in the drawer. Irina takes it.) SYDNEY: We need you to decode the map. (SD-6 offices. Jack walks in and sits on Dixon's desk.) JACK: I have a request. DIXON: Sure. JACK: Mr. Sloane is concerned about a phone call he received at home last Thursday night. The call was traced at the Baranca Bed & Breakfast in Sonoma, California. He's asked me to send someone to Sonoma to find out who was staying there, who might have made the call, whatever information you can get. DIXON: Sounds easy enough. JACK: No one's to know about this. DIXON: Understood. (They nod in agreement.) (Irina, with a pad of paper and a pen, decodes the map.) IRINA: Madagascar... close to Sambaba... latitude, minus fourteen degrees. Twenty-six minutes. Longitude forty-nine degrees. Fifty-seven minutes and twenty-seconds. (She flips the pad over to show Sydney.) (Upstairs, Vaughn, Sydney, Jack and Kendall stand around.) SYDNEY: She says the building is clean. There are no explosives, or anti-intrusion systems. JACK: You obviously can't trust this information. SYDNEY: Dad, come on. If she wanted me dead she could have left me stuck at Fapsi headquarters. JACK: Your mother knows that the only leverage she has is the information about her agency. As soon as we get that manual, she's got nothing. SYDNEY: Unless she wants to prove herself. JACK: That's the kind of hopeful thinking that will get you killed! SYDNEY: I'm going in. JACK: No, you're not. VAUGHN: Irina Derevko has proved her value. JACK: DO NOT TALK TO ME ABOUT THAT WOMAN'S VALUE! Of all people, you should know better! KENDALL: We're sending you to Madagascar to retreive The Bible. (to Vaughn) You, too. Prepare to leave tonight. (to Jack) I want you to deal with Sydney's cover at SD-6. Let's move it! (Everyone leaves. Jack stands alone, losing control. Appropriately, thunder rumbles as we cut to...) (Night. Raining outside. Jack, in his car, meets up with a source of his in his own vehicle. Jack passes him an envelope through their open windows.) JACK: The team will be in Madagascar in twelve hours. I'll need you to have everything in place by then. SOURCE: On that timeframe? I have to parachute in. (The source inspects the map.) SOURCE: Jack, I owe you, but why thirty pounds of semtex? I could do the same job with five pounds of C-4. JACK: I need you to make sure that if anyone enters that building, no one will survive. (NA meeting. Everyone holds hands and forms a circle.) LEADER: God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference. Don't forget, next week, Patty's bringing the donuts! (Light laughter. Will gets his coat from his chair and starts to leave. Rebecca catches up with him.) REBECCA: Hey, I had a thought. You and I could do this together. WILL: Do what together? REBECCA: You tell me what to do, who to contact, what to write, I could publish it all on my web page. Totally anonymous. WILL: Rebecca-- REBECCA: And... we could hang out. Which could be kind of nice. Do you like frozen yogurt? WILL: I already told you that the whole thing about SD-6, it was all fictional. REBECCA: Will, come on. Now why would anyone, especially you, make up a story like that? (Will sighs.) REBECCA: Okay, just tell me this. Did they do this to you? WILL: A friend of mine, her fiance was killed. The police, they thought it was just a random shooting and some guy had broken in his apartment. And I was worried about her. I decided to play hero. I was going to find out who killed him. And after that, I was gonna, I don't know, maybe, uh... our relationship would be different. But the more that I looked into it, the less I found. Then I had to make it up because to me, it was more important not to let her down than it was just to be honest with her. So you want to look into SD-6, hey... good luck. (Rebecca, which probably isn't her real name, sits in front of Sloane's desk.) REBECCA: Will Tippin shouldn't be a problem. I gave him a number of opportunities, all recorded on audio files, to restart his SD-6 investigation. Tippin never took the bait. SLOANE: Has security section seen that? REBECCA: Yes, and they're classifying Tippin as a non-threat. SLOANE: Good. (Dixon stands at the doorway. Sloane gets up and he and Dixon go to another room.) SLOANE: Did you talk to the desk clerk? DIXON: Yes, I did, sir. The Baranca Inn has no way of linking a back trace from an outside line to an individual room so we don't know which room it was that called your home. But we do know who was staying at the inn that night. (Dixon hands over the list. Sloane flips through the page and stops. "Emily Sloane" is written down.) DIXON: Is that your wife's signature? (Madagascar, night. Sydney, Vaughn, and two other agents get out of their vehicle and start walking. Their guns are cocked.) SYDNEY: Freelancer has reached the target and is headed toward position. (At the joint task force, a young agent sits in front of the monitor as Kendall and Jack watch.) KENDALL: We have you on screen, Freelancer. (Vaughn's monitor beeps as they get closer.) SYDNEY: There's the house. Freelancer's going in. (They get closer and climb the step.) SYDNEY: We're at the door. (Jack points at the screen.) JACK: Can you switch from the real-time sat radar scan to infrared? (The agent does so.) AGENT: Switching to infrared... (Sydney's about to go in. She flashes her flashlight inside to see if anyone's in there. Jack quickly puts on a headset.) JACK: Sydney, hold your entry! SYDNEY: What is it, Dad? JACK: The building is wired to explode. (points at the screen) See how these areas don't give off the same amount of heat as the surrounding structure? That's because they're not made of wood. KENDALL: Well, what are they made of? JACK: Sydney... I need you to take a look under the house. Is there a crawl space? (Of course there is. Sydney and Vaughn get down on their bellies and peek under the house. There are several beeping explosives set up all around the crawlspace. Sydney gets tears in her eyes. She stares, horrified.) SYDNEY: She lied to me. VAUGHN: Sydney, come on. We're pulling back. (Sydney rips off her light and starts walking with Vaughn.) SYDNEY: If she was counting on my trust, that I would just walk in there and set off the explosives, then why would she help us get this far? VAUGHN: There are enough explosives in there to blow this entire place, operations manual included. Your mother was using us to destroy it for her. (Ahead of Vaughn, someone is walking toward them. Sydney doesn't see because she's still facing the house, walking backwards, staring at it.) VAUGHN: Secure the perimeter until-- (He's whacked in the face with either a gun or a plain old fist. Vaughn falls to the ground and Sark comes into view, having disguised himself as one of them.) SARK: Your efficient reconnaisance work saved us the trouble of using our GPS. Thank you. (Vaughn slowly stands up.) SARK: (to his men) Go inside and recover the operations manual. (Two men go to the house.) SARK: You escaped tactical directorate after lockdown. Clearly, you had no trouble decoding the map. I'm surprised Klaus Richter was so willing to reveal his secrets. If I didn't know any better, I'd guess you had another source. (The two men enter the house behind them and they don't have time to take two steps before the explosives go off and everything blows. Back in LA, Kendall and Jack watch on the screen.) JACK: Sydney! SYDNEY! (Vaughn looks up as everything explodes.) VAUGHN: Where's Sark? SYDNEY: He's gone. (Sydney and Vaughn stand up. She clicks on her comm link.) JACK: Sydney, are you okay? SYDNEY: We're okay, Dad. We're coming home. (Vaughn puts his arm around Sydney and guides her out. Kendall rips off his headset and picks up the phone.) KENDALL: This is Assistand Director Kendall. I want Irina Derevko removed from this facility. I want her transferred to Camp Harris for unrestricted interrogation. (He hangs up and looks at Jack.) KENDALL: She'll be gone within the hour. You were right about her, Jack. You were right. (Irina meditates on her bed with her eyes closed. However, she snaps them open when she hears the buzzer go off. Suddenly, three US Marshals are in her cell, grabbing her and forcing her to stand. They put shackles on her. She looks around, not understanding.) (Upstairs, Jack watches the monitor as Irina is led away, handcuffed.) (Self-storage building. Sydney has her back to whomever she's talking to, and she's crying.) SYDNEY: I thought there might have been a chance to believe. To believe that she had no hidden agenda. (She turns around, trying not to cry. And there's Jack, standing before her, looking uncomfortable and guilty.) SYDNEY: (crying) Everything you said was right. And I was so stupid. (Sydney breaks down, crying. Jack takes two big steps and suddenly hugs Sydney. She puts her head on his chest and sobs.) SYDNEY: I'm sorry, Dad. I am sorry that I doubted you. I'm sorry, Dad... (Jack hugs his daughter, looking very guilty.)	Plan: A: Sydney; Q: Whose mother is the reason Jack takes drastic measures to ensure her safety? A: his daughter's safety; Q: What does Jack want to ensure? A: a mysterious woman; Q: Who confronts Will about his story on SD-6? Summary: Sydney's dealings with her mother lead Jack to take drastic measures to ensure his daughter's safety. Meanwhile Will is confronted by a mysterious woman about resurrecting his story on SD-6.
[Hanna's bedroom.] Hanna: Okay, nothing fits over this. Spencer: Well, Hanna, if you just wait until your mom goes to work, then we don't have to sneak around. Hanna: No, I am not going to school with a big open wound. Spencer: I thought you said Wren stitched it up. Hanna: He did, but I have to let it breathe or else it could get infected. Spencer: Whoa. When did you get that? Hanna: Eighth grade. Spencer: Did it come with castanets? Hanna: It's not Spanish, it's Greek. I played "Peasant lady" Mamma Mia. Can you give me some pins, please? Spencer: I don't remember you in Mamma Mia. Hanna: Good, because I look fat and hideous and I had to stand next to a cardboard goat. Phone rings. Spencer: Um, Wren is calling you. Why don't you wanna talk to him? What's going on with you and Wren? Hanna: Nothing. Spencer: Hanna. Hanna, come on, look at me. Okay, I know that "A" has made it incredibly hard for you and Caleb. Hanna: "Hard"? Try impossible. Spencer: So, what, is Wren moving in? Look, I know that he can be persuasive. I mean, the dimples, the accent-- Hanna: Okay, can we not talk about this? Spencer: You are not the first girl to fall for Downton Grabby. Hello, I've been there. Hanna: Well, I'm not... there. Doorbell rings. Hanna: Now what? Ugh, is she ever gonna leave?! Ted: Hey. Ashley: Hey. Ted: Uh, if you're on your way out-- Ashley: No, I was just making some coffee to go. You want some? Ted: Oh, no, thanks. I just... Something came up at the church and I wanted to speak to you before I contacted the police. Ashley: Police? Ted: The contractor who's renovating found something under a back pew. Looks like it's been there for awhile. Ashley: What is it? Ted: Thumb drive. I plugged it into my computer, hoping I could return it to whoever lost it. Ashley: It's not mine. Ted: That's not why I brought it here. It turned out to be a number of video files. The first one I opened... Hanna's in it. Looks like she's hanging out with a group of friends in a bedroom, just talking. But I don't think they knew they were being filmed. Ashley: There was a bully targeting Hanna and her friends last year. Hanna and Spencer waits on stairs. Hanna: That's what I threw to get away from Ian. Spencer: I thought Ian took it. Hanna: So did I. This is so bad. Spencer: No, Hanna, it's gonna be fine. Hanna: No, Ali used those videos to blackmail Jenna, all right? We promised we'd keep them locked up. Spencer: Okay, but we didn't find this. Hanna: It doesn't matter. If my mom takes them to the police, then Jenna will think that I gave them to her. Spencer: Hanna, you need to chill. Hanna: Me and Caleb, that's who she'll go after. Not you. Me. This is so bad! Ted: I better be going. Ashley: I'll definitely look. Ted: You free for a late dinner tonight? Just so I could end your day better than I started it? Ashley: Call me later. Ted: Yeah. He leaves. Hanna tries to steal the usb key. Ashley: Hanna... What are you doing? Did you know about these videos? Hanna: No, of course not. Ashley: Who took these videos? Mona? Hanna... Hanna: Yes. They're Mona's, all right? But that's over with, so can I just trash it? Ashley: If she planned to use these to blackmail you-- Hanna: Mom, she had a meltdown, all right? But she's better now. What is the point of handing it to the police? So they can move her from a hospital room to a jail cell? Ashley: This might come as a shock to you, but I am not Mona's biggest fan. Hanna: Can you just let me have it? Ashley: No, I won't. I plan to watch these by the end of the day. And then I will decide what action to take. All right, let's go. I'll drive you to school. Then you can explain to me why you're wearing your costume from Mamma Mia. [Ezra's flat.] Aria: Hey. You're still sleeping? Ezra: Am I? Aria: Happy birthday. Ezra: Ah, give me a second. I'll be more charming when I'm awake. I was up late. Really late. Aria: Why? When we got off the phone, you said you were almost done with work. Ezra: Yeah, I got sidetracked. I wrote an email... To Maggie. Aria: Oh. Ezra: I didn't send it. Aria: Why not? Ezra: What if her life spiraled out of control after my mom sent her off? Aria: Wait, two days ago you were assuring me that Maggie was ancient history, you had moved on. Why are you suddenly assuming the worst? What happened? Ezra: Hearing what my mother did to you at the museum really threw me. Aria: Hey. You're not spending your birthday like this. So just call her and see how she is. Ezra: I can't. It's not fair for me to crash into her life. I just wanna know if she's okay. [Front of a coffee.] Emily: Do you wanna finish this? Paige: No, thanks. Emily: So what do you have first period? Paige: English. Emily: I already asked you that, didn't I? Paige: Yeah.What's going on, Em? Emily: A couple of nights ago, when I was comforting Nate... Things got a little intense. We kissed. Paige: Why do you think that happened? Emily: In the moment, it felt right. Paige: And now? Emily: I don't know. I'm just as confused by this as you. Paige: I'm not confused by it. I think you miss Maya. And so does he. You both loved the same person. Doesn't mean you feel that way toward each other. Maybe those lines are just a little blurry right now. [High school.] Aria: So it was there the whole time? Spencer: Yeah. Hanna's freaking. She's terrified of what Jenna's gonna do. Aria: I thought that we were backing off the whole Noel and Jenna are the "A" team. Spencer: I am, but Hanna won't listen to me. Are you? Aria: I'm sorry. I'm just trying to figure out a way to say "Happy Birthday" without the "happy." Spencer: Birthday? Aria: Yeah, Ezra's not in the mood to celebrate. He's obsessed. He's convinced that he's ruined Maggie's life. Spencer: Well, why is he still thinking about his high school girlfriend? Aria: Probably because I pushed him to. God, I just... I just wish that there was a way that I could get in touch with her. Spencer: That is a terrible idea. Aria: No, no, no. I just want-- Spencer: That is such a terrible idea. Stay out of it. It is none of your business. Aria: It is my relationship, Spencer. I'm sorry. We can't move forward until he does. They see Cece. Spencer: What is she doing back in high school? Aria: I don't think she ever left. Bell rings. Aria: See ya. Spencer meets Cece outside. Spencer: Hey, Cece? What are you doing? Cece: Panicking. It's almost show time and I thought I had some help, but I never heard back from you. Spencer: That trunk show's tonight? Oh, my God, I spaced. Cece: Yeah. Yeah, you really did. But don't sweat it, sweetheart. Hopefully there are some other fashionistas in this fleece-loving town that'll skip a kegger for a free belt. Spencer: I will be there, okay? I promise. And I'll get all my friends to help you. Cece:Thanks. I was kinda hoping after that U-Penn favor, I wouldn't have to ask twice. Spencer: I'm really sorry. Cece: Do you have any rich friends I can put in the seats? I really need to rack up some serious cash. Whoa. Hold on. Is Emily into her? Spencer: Who? Paige? Yeah, they're dating. Why? Cece: Oh, my God. That is seriously so messed up. If Alison were alive to see Emily cuddling up to "Pigskin"... Spencer: Who is "Pigskin" ? Cece: Her. Alison and that wench had it out for each other. [Flashback] The girls are in Spencer's bedroom. They try some clothes. Aria: That looks amazing on you, Spencer. Ali, look at that top. Ali: Sweet. I'll trade you. Spencer: Why? Ali: Oh, come on, hon. That's not the part of your bod you wanna advertise. Show off those Hastings' legs. Come on, let me try it on. Please? Ouch. Hanna: Ali, how'd you get that? Ali: How'd I get what? Oh, that. Yeah, I fell down in soccer and "Pigskin" kicked me. Aria: Who's "Pigskin"? Ali: She's just this freakazoid in my gym class. Don't worry, it won't happen again. Hanna: Wait, is that the girl who threw that muffin at you? Ali: No, that's "Triple Nipple." She's harmless. "Pigskin" is psychotic. Spencer: Why do you call her "Pigskin"? Ali: 'Cause she's got these weird bumps on her thighs. I mean, she says it's eczema, but I'm like, "Honey, you better stop poking yourself below the equator." Aria: Wait. Who is this person? What's her real name? Ali: Doesn't matter. Once I'm done with that no-neck bitch, she won't even exist. Looks like we got a winner. Sorry, Spence. [Flash Back's End] Cece: There's no way I can unload all those boxes by myself. He guaranteed the shipment today. So can you do it? Spencer: Sorry, what? Cece: After school? Help me set up? Spencer: Uh, yeah. Yeah, sure. Cece: Excellent. Thanks. [Computers room] Hanna and Caleb write to each other on the computers. Hanna: If this thing goes to the cops, we'll both be run off the road. Should I steal it? So what should I do? Caleb: I'm finding it really hard not to come over there and kiss you. Jenna comes. Jenna: Other people need to use the computers, too. Your time is up. [Near from high school] Emily: Hey. Nate: Hey there. Nice wheels. Emily: Not mine. I borrowed Paige's bike 'cause I've gotta race to swim practice. Nate: I bet she doesn't look as good as you taking those corners. Emily: Look, I called you because-- Nate: I'm glad you did. I hope you haven't eaten yet. I'm starving. You wanna grab a slice? Emily: Um, no, but I'll walk with you. Nate: What time is your practice over? Emily: I'm done at seven. Nate: I thought maybe if you wanted to go into Philly, could catch a movie, have some dinner after. There's this place on South Street... Emily: Nate, slow down. Nate: Sorry. It'd just be nice to spend time with you outside of this town. Emily: I know. I just think before we make plans, we need to talk. Look, I think we need to keep things on a friendship level. Nate: But what about the other night? Emily: I don't regret it, but it doesn't change things. Nate: Wow. You and Maya really did have a lot in common, didn't you? Emily: What does that mean? Nate: She always used to say she was being spontaneous, but really she was just being reckless. Emily: I wasn't being reckless, Nate. Nate: You can stop. I remember Maya, sitting in my car on her phone, giving that same speech to about 20 different guys. Emily: Maybe we should talk later. Nate: Emily, wait. Emily: No, I don't wanna be late. We'll talk later. [At school] Maggie: You must be Amy. Aria: Hi. Are you Maggie? Maggie: I am. Did you have any trouble finding the place? Aria: No, no. It was-- it was fairly easy. Maggie: Did you say you were grad or undergrad? Aria: Undergrad. Maggie: Of course. You look so young. Well, come in. Have a seat. [At high scool] Spencer: I've been looking for you. Where have you been? Emily: I had to talk to Nate. I think I may have led him on, but I made it clear that I'm dating Paige. Why were you looking for me? Spencer: Has... Has Paige ever mentioned her history with Ali to you? Emily: Her history? Spencer: Yeah, they weren't passing acquaintances, Em. They were, like, in a war. Emily: Who told you this? Spencer: Cece. No, look, I know that it sounds weird, okay? But once she told me Ali's nickname for Paige, it clicked. Emily: Alison had nicknames for half the people in this school. That doesn't really qualify as having a history. Spencer: Okay, I get it, but according to Cece, this was-- Emily: Why are we suddenly trusting Cece? Spencer: Because Ali might have told her things that she couldn't tell us. Emily: I gotta get to practice. Spencer: Emily, look, you and Paige have been seeing each other on and off for almost a year, and you don't think it's a little odd that she's never mentioned anything about Ali to you? Emily: I think what's odd is watching history repeat itself. Alison loved pitting us against one another, and now Cece swoops in-- Spencer: This isn't about Cece, okay? A friend of ours had an ongoing feud with someone whom we both know has a bit of a dark side. Emily: Excuse me? Spencer: I'm not accusing Paige of anything, but let's not forget, Emily, this girl once tried to drown you. I don't think that was a love dunk. Emily: There were other issues going on in her life back then. Spencer: Yeah, like being sneaky. She also got you kicked off of the swim team. I'm not calling her a snake-- Emily: Okay, are you finished? Because I am. [Front of school] Hanna: Hey, Jenna, can I talk to you for a minute? You know that video that Ali threatened you with? The one with you and Toby in your bedroom? Jenna: Why are you dredging this up? Hanna: There's a thumb drive that was found at the church. Jenna: Found? Hanna: Yes, found. And they're taking it to the police. So I just wanna let you know that we-- me and my friends-- had nothing to do with it. Look, I know you hate us, Jenna, but don't punish us for something we didn't do, okay? Are you hearing anything I'm saying to you? Jenna: I never had a problem with my ears, Hanna. We're just gonna have to see how things turn out, won't we? Nate: Hanna! You got a second? Have you seen Emily? Hanna: She's at swim practice. Nate: I'm kind of lost here. Emily and I were in this groove, and suddenly she just pink-slipped me. Hanna: Um, Nate? She's gay. She dated your cousin. Nate: Yeah, I get it. I figured it was about the person, not the equipment. Maya was pretty fluid. Hanna: Look, I don't know what Emily said to you, but she doesn't play games... Unlike some people. Nate: You got that right. She's all up in your face one day, and the next, she's looking right through you. Hanna: Yeah, well, she perfected that when she was still playing Helen Keller. Nate: What do you mean, playing? Hanna: Never mind. Nate: No, hold it. You're telling me that she was faking? Being blind? Hey, Jenna. Don't pretend you don't see me, girl. I know you saw me. [At school] Maggie: Have you thought about what grade you'd like to teach? Aria: Uh, first. I like this age. It makes me feel taller. Yeah, I'm just not sure if I wanna live in an urban setting or the suburbs. You know, being single and trying to meet people... Maggie: You'd be surprised. I've done fine. Okay, you guys, time to clean up. Transitions can be tricky. Malcolm: Can I have a play date with Brian? Maggie: Not today, Malcolm. Aria: So sweet. They want your permission for everything. Maggie: Well, it's a special case. Malcolm also happens to be my son. You're doing the math, aren't you? Yeah, I was a teen mom way before it was a reality show. Okay, how are we doing? [Cece's shop] Spencer: Arya is not free and I still have not heard back from Hanna. Cece: But we have Emily. Spencer: Uh, maybe not. Cece: Oh, don't tell me she ditched us for Pigskin. I need bodies here. Spencer: No, I get it. It's just that I might have approached her in the wrong way. Cece: You brought up Ali's war with her girlfriend, didn't you? Bad move, Spencer. Spencer: Well, what were they fighting about? Cece: Emily. [Flashback] Alison and Cece are in Cece's car. Ali: Okay, so I snuck into Emily's bedroom and stole some of her stationery. Cece: Love it! Ali: And I wrote Pigskin a super steamy note. Think moist. Okay, I just threw up a little in my mouth. I told her that I was dating this guy, but I was having some seriously hot fantasies about her and needed to know if she felt the same way. Cece: Mama's proud, but Emily is gonna crucify you. Ali: Oh, please, she's clueless. I told Paige that she can't email or text me because my boyfriend's suspicious. Cece: Does Emily even have a boyfriend? Is that her? Ali: That's her! Get down! Cece: You get down. She doesn't even know me. What is she doing? Ali: I told her to leave her note under that sign. Paige: No, no, no, no! Ali: Did you want me to deliver this to Emily? I probably should since I was the one that wrote to you. Should I open it here or should I just forward it to daddy? Is he still that big ol' Deacon at the church? Paige: Give it to me. Ali: Aw. Why should I? I'd much rather watch your daddy blow up when he finds out you wanna slip your-- Paige: Give it to me! Ali: Think again, Pigskin. I own you now! Drive. Drive! [Flashback's end] Spencer: What did she do with Paige's letter? Cece: Alison? Probably nothing. She'd never admit this, but I think Ali was a little scared of that girl. Does wool make you itchy? [SCENE_BREAK] [Emily's room] Emily: Paige? Remember on one of our first dates, you mentioned my liking bold women? Paige: Yes. Why? Have you changed your mind? Emily: You brought up Ali, and I was just trying to remember how you knew her. Paige: I didn't. I knew of her. Why? Emily: It's just that Spencer thought that maybe you and Ali had a-- Paige: Why are your friends talking about me instead of to me? Emily: Sorry. Forget I brought it up. Paige: Has it ever occurred to you that maybe it's your friends you should be questioning? Don't you think it's strange that there were four people drinking at Spencer's that night and you were the only one who got drugged? Emily: My friends didn't poison me. Paige: Okay, but Mona pretended to be your friend for like a year, and she turned out to be a mutant. Emily: Mona was never my friend. I trust these girls with my life. Paige: You're right. You're right. I just think maybe I need to spend some more time with them. [Ezra's place] Wes: Oh, sorry. I, uh... I didn't mean to scare you. I just stopped by to drop that off. I didn't wanna leave it at the front door, so the manager let me in. You okay? You still look freaked. Aria: No, I'm fine. Why did you tell me that story about Maggie? Wes: Again, I, um... I just assumed my brother already had. I didn't do it to mess with your head. What's wrong? Aria: I saw her. Wes: What? Where? Aria: Yeah, I-I took a train into Wilmington, and I... I sat in her classroom. Wes: Why would you do that? Aria: Because Ezra needed to know that she was okay. Wes: But... she's not? Aria: Oh, no. She's-- she's great... And a mom of a seven-year-old little boy that looks a lot like that. Wes: Wait, what are you saying? Oh, man. No, maybe she just said that because she felt threatened by you, his girlfriend checking her out. Aria: No, she didn't know who I was. And why wouldn't she tell him that he has a son? [Cece's shop] Cece: Spence, how many boxes do you have in there? Spencer: Two. One says "Shoes," the other one says "Belts." Cece: Damn, we're missing one. I gotta go stop him before he leaves. Cece goes out. Someone close the door. Spencer see a snake in the room. Spencer: Cece! Cece, please help me! Cece! Cece, please! Somebody help me! Cece! Cece is outside. Cece: Yeah, we're missing a box. Spencer: Cece! Stop it! She finally comes inside and kill the snake. [Hanna's room] Hanna: It was alive? Was it crawling? Was there a text from "A"? Jenna knew that you would ask me to help. Spencer: Okay, get off of the blind girl train. I am telling you that I actually used the word "snake" when I was talking to Emily outside of the girls' locker room. Hanna: Paige is not after us. She's in love with one of our best friends. Spencer: Okay, but she was with Emily that night, and she never said a word until Emily brought it up. Maybe instead of hooking up with Emily, she was hauling her off to an open grave. Hanna: Spencer... Spencer: No, we really need to review that security tape because I guarantee you anything that was a girl's shadow that grabbed Maya outside of Noel's cabin. Hanna: And you think this was Paige/Pigskin? Spencer: Yeah, don't you? She's been obsessed with Emily for years. She was jealous of Ali. She was jealous of Maya. She hated them. She probably hates us. Phone rings. Spencer: Who is that? Is that Wren? Hanna: It's Emily. Spencer: Well, give me it! We don't know what we're gonna say to her! Hanna: I'm going to say "Hi." Look, it's about the knife in Maya's bag. Hi. Please tell me it's not rusty. Emily: It's not here. We must've lost it when we were racing to the car. Hanna: No, we didn't lose it, we put it in the bag. Where is the bag? Emily: It was under my bed. Hanna: Someone must've broken into your house. Emily: Then why wouldn't they take the whole bag? We must've dropped it outside of Noel's cabin. Hanna: No, the only thing we dropped, Emily, was a pound of my flesh! Now, did you check your car? Emily: Yes, but I'll check again. Hanna: There's no way we left it outside of Noel's cabin. "A" must've snuck into her house. Spencer: "A" may also go by the name "Paige." Why would you sneak in when you're invited? [Ezra's place] Aria: How am I not supposed to mention this over an entire weekend? Wes: Aria, you don't have to bring it up right away. Aria: The longer I wait, the bigger the lie. Wes: Well, maybe I could tell him. I could say I was the one who went to Wilmington. Aria: Right, and when Maggie describes you as a petite coed named Amy? Wes: Yeah, it's gotta be you. But I could be there for moral support. Hey, listen to me. This doesn't change anything between you and Ezra. Aria: How do you know that? You and I were learning fractions when this kid was born. And I've never had to deal with anything like this before. He's on his way. [Cece's shop] Cece: I figure the rack can be in the back, and you can change in the dressing rooms. Hanna: Yeah, no, thank you. Cece: Guys, animal control has already been here. I swear. They took it away and went through all the other boxes for nests. Spencer: Nests? Cece: Hanna, you could rock this. Be even better if you pinned your hair up, though. Hanna: Oh, yeah. No, my hair is just...It doesn't... Cece: Use the dry shampoo. You're not the only one that didn't have a chance to wash your hair this morning, hon. This length, those legs-- perfect. Spencer: Uh, you probably should actually give that to Emily. Cece: Emily's coming? Fabulous. Hanna: Look, I got her to come here. I don't know if she'll stay. Spencer: Well, you don't have to bring up Paige right away. Just check her temperature first. Cece: Spencer, you should wear this. It's so you. Hanna: No, you know what? That is so me. Cece: Thank you. Hanna tries a dress. Someone comes. Caleb: Hey. Shh. Hanna: What are you doing here? Caleb: I talked to your mom. Hanna: You did? Caleb: Yeah. Hanna: What'd you say? Caleb: Well, I told her that if she handed over those videos, Wilden and his cronies would be watching you change into a bikini on a loop. Kinda kicked in her maternal instincts. Hanna: So she's not gonna turn them in? Caleb: I don't know. But I also reminded her that one of rosewood's finest is about to go on trial for the murder of two of your friends. Hanna: Thank you. Caleb, you didn't have to do that. Caleb: Yeah, I did. I don't know how much longer I can do this, Hanna. I need to touch you. Cece: Hanna, I have some shoes out here for you. How's that dress look? Hanna: Hot. So how are you gonna sneak out of here? Caleb: Same way I came in. Why? Is Jenna coming to this thing? Hanna: I don't think Jenna's the one we have to be afraid of anymore. [Ezra's place] Ezra: Hello. Aria: Hi. Wes: The birthday boy-- man-- whatever. Aria: Wes dropped off a gift for you, so I invited him to stay for dinner. Wes: Yeah, hope that's cool. Ezra: No, glad you're here. The more the merrier. Aria: So now you wanna celebrate? Ezra: I sorta do. I called Maggie. And she's doing great. Wes: What does that mean? Ezra: She got a masters in education, she has a good job, owns her own home, lives by herself, and she's really happy. Aria: She told you that? Ezra: We didn't talk more than five minutes, but honestly, that was enough. I'm incredibly relieved. I'm gonna take a shower and then we can celebrate. [Cece's shop] Cece: Look who's here! I have such the fiercest outfit for you! Spencer: Hi, Em. Emily: Hello. I hope you don't mind. I brought a guest. Paige: Hey, Spencer. Spencer: Hello. Cece: Let's try this on you. Paige: Can I help? Spencer: Sure. Paige: What are we doing? Spencer: Rings on these and bracelets on that. Paige: This is nice. Not that I could ever pull it off. I put on something like this and it looks like I'm trying to be somebody I'm not. Spencer: Well, you have your own style. Paige: More by default. I don't do flashy. I feel better under the radar. Being with Emily has made me feel much more confident. I know you guys still have your reservations about me. Spencer: Did Emily tell you that? Paige: Didn't have to. We both know I've acted out and done stuff I regretted. But I'd really like it, Spencer, if we could make a fresh start. Oh. Oops. [Ezra's place] Aria: Happy birthday! Wes: Happy birthday. Did you even make a wish? Ezra: I don't need to. Everything I want I've already got. Aria: I'll cut the cake. Wes: Dude, you are getting old. What are we listening to? Hootie and the Blowfish? Wes comes to see Aria in the kitchen. They talk very quitly. Wes: I think I know why she lied to him. What if my mom is paying her to keep quiet? Aria: You think that your mom knows? Wes: She might. Ezra (from the living room): How do you guys feel about supertramp? Both: Who? Ezra: That's what I thought. Aria: You need to talk to your mom then. Wes: And say what? Aria: I don't know. But if you're right and we say something now, then Maggie might get punished and that little boy gets cut off. [Cece's shop] Hanna: I'm sorry. I thought Emily was coming alone. Spencer: Ye, well, her plus one suddenly wants to be our BFF. She's trying to kill us with kindness before she actually just... kills us. Do we think that the knife is in that bag? Hanna: Hey, Paige? Um, can you give this to Emily and help her out? It's kind of a two-woman operation. Paige: Yeah. Cool. Emily comes back. Emily: What are you doing? We're leaving. Paige: Emily... Spencer: No, don't be so forgiving. I'm changing and then we're out of here. Hanna: Great. Now she really hates us and Emily hates us even more. Spencer: Emily will get over it. We needed proof. And we got it. [Front of Emily's house] Emily: Do you wanna sit inside? Paige: No, this is good. Thanks. Emily: We should never have gone-- Paige: It was my idea. I made you go. Emily: I don't even know how to apologize for them. I just feel like Cece started this whole-- Paige: It started with Alison. She was more than someone I knew in passing. I knew her well enough to hate her guts. She spent most of ninth grade torturing me. At first, it was just teasing. I got through it. I pushed back. If she wanted to play dirty, then so could I. But... I had no idea what I was up against. She was relentless. I had nobody to turn to. I was completely alone. Finally, it didn't matter what Alison could do to me, because... I was willing to do much worse to myself. And then I thought... If I disappeared forever... She would win. And I wouldn't let her win. I couldn't. [Hanna's home] Hanna: Hi. Ashley: Hi. Hanna: Did you watch it? Ashley: I did. Hanna: And? Ashley: I'm gonna take care of it. Hanna: Look, mom, if you just give me a chance to explain, then... Thank you. Ashley: I didn't do that just for you. I did it for me. Apparently, Mona liked to spy on grown-ups, too. She recorded a moment of me and detective Wilden. One night, he drove me home after I'd had too much to drink. Hanna: Yeah, I remember. Ashley: No, you only remember some of it. And now I might have a future with somebody that I really, really care about, and I just wanna forget all of it. Doorbell rings. Ashley: Hi, come on in. Ted: You look great. You're smiling. That's a good sign. I was worried those videos might of-- Ashley: Oh, no. Um... I watched them and I'm pretty sure it was the work of that bully I was telling you about. Glad it's history. Ted: I still think we'd better drop it off at the police. Ashley: Right. The thing is, Ted, I'm not gonna be able to give it back to you because... Hanna: I destroyed it. I'm' sorry. I just... I didn't want anyone to see it. So... I got rid of it. Ted: I see. Well, I guess that's that. Shall we? Ashley: Yeah. [Ezra's building] Aria: Did "A" send this to you? Spencer: No, I took it out of Paige's bag. Aria: Why would Paige have it? Spencer: Because I'm betting she dug it out of Ali's grave. Aria: What are you saying? Spencer: I'm saying, she probably has Ali's bones, too. She may be "A," Aria. The only question is, how are we gonna tell Emily? [Emily's house] Emily: More tea? Paige: No, I'm good. I'm gonna go wash my face. Emily: Jenna? Jenna: I need to talk to you about your friend. Emily: What's going on? Jenna: Oh. I thought you were alone. Emily: Why? What's the matter? Jenna, what did you come here to tell me? Jenna: Be very careful who you spend time with, Emily. Very careful.	Plan: A: Hanna's house; Q: Where does Ted go with the flash drive that contains the N.A.T videos? A: Hanna; Q: Who tells Ted that she destroyed the N.A.T. videos? A: CeCe; Q: Who reveals Alison's and Paige's violent past to Spencer? A: Alison; Q: Who did Paige confess to Emily that she was scared of? A: Paige; Q: Who did Emily think dug up Ali's grave? A: the dressing room; Q: Where is Spencer attacked by a snake? A: Emily; Q: Who is upset that Hanna and Spencer went through Paige's purse? A: Maya's bag; Q: Where was the knife that Emily found? A: the boutique's trunk show; Q: What do Hanna and Spencer help CeCe with? A: Paige's bag; Q: Where did Spencer and Hanna search for Maya's knife? A: Maya's knife; Q: What is missing from Paige's bag? A: Aria; Q: Who visits Maggie and realizes that she has a seven-year old son? A: Malcolm; Q: What is the name of Maggie's son? A: one; Q: How many times did Paige confess to Emily that Alison's bullying drove her to suicidal thoughts? A: Paige's purse; Q: What did Emily discover Spencer and Hanna had gone through? A: Ali's grave; Q: Where did Spencer and Hanna find the earring? A: Hanna's mom; Q: Who destroys the N.A.T. videos? A: N.A.T.; Q: What videos were left in the church? A: Jenna; Q: Who warns Emily to be careful who she spends time with? A: the jukebox; Q: What does 'A' play on as they hand over a key to another black-gloved 'A'? Summary: Ted comes to Hanna's house with a flash drive that contains the N.A.T videos, which was left in the church, rather than Ian taking it. CeCe reveals Alison's and Paige's violent past to Spencer. CeCe tells Spencer that Alison may have been scared of Paige. Later, Spencer is attacked by a snake in the dressing room, but is rescued by CeCe. Emily calls Hanna and says that the knife they found in Maya's bag is missing, though the bag is still there. Hanna and Spencer help CeCe with the boutique's trunk show while Emily shows up with Paige. Spencer and Hanna search through Paige's bag for Maya's knife. Aria visits Maggie and realizes that she has a seven-year old son, Malcolm. Emily realizes that Spencer and Hanna have gone through Paige's purse. She leaves upset with Paige. However, Spencer and Hanna have found the proof they needed - the earring from Ali's grave. They think that Paige dug up Ali's grave and may be "A". Paige confesses to Emily that at one point, Alison's bullying drove her to suicidal thoughts. Hanna's mom destroys the N.A.T. videos, but Hanna tells Ted that she did it. When Paige goes inside Emily's house, Jenna appears and warns Emily to be very careful who she spends time with. ' A' ending: 'A' plays on the jukebox as they hand over a key to another black-gloved 'A'.
2.11 - Secrets and Loans OPEN AT LUKE'S DINER [Lorelai sits at a table doing homework as Luke walks around pouring coffee] LORELAI: Time? LUKE: 4:30. LORELAI: Fill me up? LUKE: That's your sixth cup. LORELAI: Yes it is. LUKE: How 'bout some tea? LORELAI: Absolutely, throw it in with the coffee. LUKE: I assume Rory's meeting you here. LORELAI: Yes she is and she's late and I have to go to class tonight so that means I have ten more minutes. [Rory enters the diner holding an envelope] RORY: I got it! LORELAI: You did? RORY: Right here. LORELAI: Ooh! Well hurry up, open it! Leave the pot Ethel. LUKE: I'm just an enabler. LORELAI: Okay, just remember these are PSATs, okay, so it's like the Baby Gap, they don't count as much. Plus, you can take them over again. Plus, you are very young and have years of learning ahead of you and the really important thing is that you tried very hard. RORY: I got a 740 verbal and a 760 math. LORELAI: Ugh, thank God you're not an idiot. RORY: I got a 740 verbal and a 760 math? LORELAI: Those are damn good scores little lady, really. Amazing, top notch. Those are PSAT-rific. Sorry, it was just lying there, I had to go for it. You're frowning. RORY: How did I get a higher score in math? LORELAI: Who cares? RORY: But I'm stronger in verbal. Verbal is my thing. LORELAI: No, verbal's my thing. RORY: Maybe I didn't study hard enough. Maybe I got cocky. LORELAI: Maybe you need a major mud bath/salt glow/chill pill combo. RORY: I'm just saying. . . LORELAI: Rory, you got a great score. RORY: Yeah but. . . LORELAI: No, a great score. RORY: A great score? LORELAI: That is a score you have earned and you deserve and will allow you to look down on me for many years to come. RORY: Okay. LORELAI: Okay. So we should celebrate. Hey, how about we get all dressed up tonight and hit the Rocky Horror Picture Show? RORY: Are you serious? LORELAI: Please, I'm always serious. RORY: Can I invite Lane? LORELAI: Absolutely. RORY: Okay. I hope she gets this in time. She's been kind of hard to reach lately. LORELAI: Well, maybe she can't handle the pressure of having such a brilliant best friend. Brilliant in math, the verbal's kinda sad. RORY: Thank you Mom. LUKE: You're late. LORELAI: Oh shoot, I am. I have to go. Hey, Rory kicked some major PSAT ass today. LUKE: Yeah? Congratulations. RORY: Thank you. LORELAI: And to celebrate, we're gonna hit the Rocky Horror Picture Show tonight. LUKE: Really? LORELAI: Yes. I am Magenta, Rory usually opts for Janet, and I had a thought. LUKE: Oh yeah? LORELAI: Yeah. I was thinking that you could put on some fishnet stockings, a leather teddy, some platform boots, and go with us as Dr. Frank-N-Furter. LUKE: Hmm. Well, now that is a thought. LORELAI: You'll also need some gloves and a wig. LUKE: Gloves, wigs, got it. LORELAI: I'll do your makeup. LUKE: Oh, that'll be a help. LORELAI: There you go. LUKE: Okay, sounds great. LORELAI: Great. So eight o'clock, I'll swing around and get ya? LUKE: Sure, good. LORELAI: Good. LUKE: Oh hey, if by some chance you knock on the door but no one answers even though all the lights are on, I'll just meet you there. LORELAI: Okay. LUKE: Okay. LORELAI: So I'll see you tomorrow morning? LUKE: Yeah, I'll be the one with the coffee. LORELAI: [to Rory] Hey, make sure you gloat a little. It's good for the skin. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai is lying in bed as her alarm is going off. She turns it off, sits up, puts on her robe and walks into the kitchen. She smiles at Rory as she pours herself a cup of coffee, then walks outside along the front porch. As she goes to pick up the newspaper, her foot goes through the porch.] LORELAI: Agh! Rory! CUT TO LORELAI'S KITCHEN RORY: So do you think the porch is falling apart or do you just weigh a ton? LORELAI: The porch is fine. It just has a little extra ventilation in it now, that's all. RORY: The wood is old and rotting. LORELAI: The wood is not old and rotting, it is strong and sprightly and will be with us for a long, long time to come. RORY: So you do weigh a ton? [Kirk opens the back door] KIRK: Well, I checked under the entire house. LORELAI: And? KIRK: You have termites. LORELAI: What? KIRK: Tens of thousands of them. Subterranean, dry wood, the whole gamut. RORY: Gross. KIRK: Four of them crawled up my noise. LORELAI: Okay, Kirk. KIRK: It happens all the time when you're upside down. To them the nostril looks just like another hollow passage in the wood. They're not too bright. LORELAI: Okay, so, we have termites. So what do we - um, don't you want to come inside Kirk? KIRK: Actually, I would prefer to discuss this outside. LORELAI: Kirk? CUT TO FRONT PORCH KIRK: Okay, let's get down to it. From what I've just witnessed, your house is a bug-infested smorgasbord. Are those for me? ORY: Oh, yeah. [hands him some waffles] KIRK: Thanks. LORELAI: But what do we do? KIRK: Well. . .uh, if you don't mind, I'd prefer to discuss this on the lawn. LORELAI: Why? KIRK: Because this porch could give out on us at any minute. LORELAI: Kirk, that's crazy. Kirk, stop, the porch is fine. RORY: Your foot went through it this morning. LORELAI: That was different, that wood was old. RORY: What happened to sprightly? LORELAI: Kirk, what are you doing? KIRK: Just making sure that if the roof comes down, the debris can't ricochet over here and take me out. LORELAI: Honey, in five more minutes, it won't need to. KIRK: What? LORELAI: Kirk, please, talk to me about the termites. What do I have to do, tent the place? KIRK: To start with, yes. RORY: To start with? LORELAI: What does that mean? KIRK: It means they've done some serious damage under there. They've eaten through the wooden joists. Your foundation has completely lost its structural integrity. RORY: Mom, our house is falling down. LORELAI: Okay, what do I have to do to fix this? KIRK: You'd have to jack the house up, rebuild the jousts, and repair the weakened parts of the foundation. LORELAI: All for the low, low price of? KIRK: Well, I haven't done the exact estimate, but I'd say somewhere in the neighborhood of fifteen thousand dollars. LORELAI: [laughs] Tell it to move to another neighborhood. KIRK: I'm sorry? LORELAI: Fifteen thousand dollars? RORY: We're never eating again. LORELAI: I don't have fifteen thousand dollars. I've never had fifteen thousand dollars. I'm trying to picture fifteen thousand dollars - I can't! That's how unfamiliar fifteen thousand dollars and I are with each other! KIRK: Well, maybe you can just fix part of the house. Fix the part you like. LORELAI: We like the entire house Kirk. KIRK: Really? Even that kitchen? LORELAI: Thanks for coming over Kirk. KIRK: So what are you gonna do? LORELAI: I don't know yet. KIRK: Oh, 'cause you don't wanna wait too long to address this. LORELAI: Yeah, I get that Kirk. KIRK: You might wanna get the dishes out of there. LORELAI: Good tip. KIRK: Thanks for the waffles. LORELAI: Thanks for the horrifying news. KIRK: Any time. [leaves] LORELAI: Look at it this way. The day's all uphill from here. RORY: This is really bad. LORELAI: Honey, don't worry. We'll figure something out. RORY: Okay. We should get inside. LORELAI: Yeah. After you. CUT TO CHILTON CAFETERIA [Louise and Madeline sit at one end of a table counting out Fritos, Rory sits at the other end reading.] LOUISE: Ten, eleven, twelve. Here. MADELINE: Thanks. One, Two, Three. . . LOUISE: I'm depressed. MADELINE: Jeremy didn't call? LOUISE: Not in a timely manner, no. MADELINE: Well, good riddance to bad luggage. LOUISE: I guess. I just thought we really connected the other day in the supply closet. MADELINE: Boys. A Nancy Drew mystery. [Paris sits down with her lunch tray] PARIS: Louise, Madeline. LOUISE: You look happy. PARIS: Really? Huh. MADELINE: What? PARIS: Nothing. It's just a nice day. A nice, nice day. MADELINE: Okay. PARIS: So, did you get your PSAT scores back yet? MADELINE: Oh yeah, yesterday. PARIS: And? MADELINE: 500 verbal, 560 math. PARIS: Respectable. MADELINE: I thought so. PARIS: Louise, what did you get? LOUISE: Highlights, just around my face. PARIS: You will take them again and do better. LOUISE: I will take them again and get my nose done. PARIS: You don't study, you don't apply yourself. LOUISE: Blah, blah, blah. I need another chip. MADELINE: Take them. PARIS: So, I got my scores back today too. MADELINE: Oh yeah? PARIS: This morning. I just came downstairs and there they were, just sitting on the table. Boy, was I nervous, just imagining what I got. But then I realized that I'd have to open them eventually, and so I did. And was I surprised by what I found. Could've knocked me over with a feather. Yup, I was just that surprised. RORY: So, what did you get? PARIS: Well Rory, since you asked, and by the way I'm not bragging or anything, but I got a 750 math and a 730 verbal. MADELINE: Wow, that is good. LOUISE: Congratulations. PARIS: Thank you. RORY: Those are great scores. PARIS: So, did you get your scores back yet? RORY: Yup. PARIS: And? RORY: I'm happy. PARIS: How happy? RORY: Pretty happy. PARIS: Yes, but how do I know that you're not one of those people who gets pretty happy looking at a sunset? How do I know what your barometer for being pretty happy is? RORY: You don't. PARIS: Right. So are you? RORY: Am I what? PARIS: Are you one of those people who gets pretty happy looking at a sunset? RORY: I don't get unhappy looking at a sunset. PARIS: What did you get? RORY: That's personal. PARIS: Why won't you tell me? RORY: 'Cause it's none of your business. PARIS: Okay, fine, don't tell me what you got. RORY: I won't. PARIS: Why won't you tell me your score? RORY: Bye Paris. PARIS: You're not torturing me, you know. I don't care. My scores were great. I'm very, very happy with my scores. And I hate looking at a sunset so my standard for happiness is high! CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [At nighttime, Lorelai goes into Rory's room and wakes her up.] LORELAI: Rory, wake up. RORY: What's going on? LORELAI: I can hear them chewing. RORY: Who? LORELAI: The termites. I hear them. They're everywhere, nibbling and eating and swallowing. RORY: You're insane. LORELAI: I can't sleep here. RORY: What? LORELAI: No, we have to go to Sookie's. RORY: You're kidding right? LORELAI: Unh uh. RORY: It's eleven o'clock at night. LORELAI: Yeah, well, here. But somewhere in the world it's still Miller time. RORY: Mom, you're wigging. Go put on some imaginary earplugs to drown out the imaginary termite sounds and go back to sleep. LORELAI: But -. RORY: Bed. LORELAI: But -. RORY: Now. LORELAI: But - ugh. You really don't hear them? RORY: No, and as soon as you're asleep, you won't either. LORELAI: Okay, fine. Goodnight RORY: Goodnight. CUT TO SIDEWALK [That night, Lorelai and Rory are walking to Sookie's house.] RORY: Ugh, I feel like they're crawling all over me. LORELAI: Ugh, I know, with their creepy little fangy teeth and their tail things and their pointy tentacles. RORY: You have no idea what a termite looks like, do you? LORELAI: Hey, unless they're wearing a foundation repair guy T-shirt, I don't really care. RORY: Are you sure Sookie was up? LORELAI: Yeah, she answered the phone. RORY: After how many rings? LORELAI: I don't know, twenty or thirty. RORY: Mom, she was sleeping. LORELAI: No, no, she's just deaf in one ear. RORY: Since when? LORELAI: Now, apparently. RORY: What? LORELAI: Well, you would have to be deaf in one ear not to hear the phone ring twenty or thirty times. [They ring the doorbell, Sookie answers] SOOKIE: They're they are, my little termite whisperers. LORELAI: Hey Sookie, sorry to call so late. RORY: And so incessantly. LORELAI: Well I'm sorry, they were getting organized. I heard one of them yell charge. RORY: We will make this up to you Sookie. SOOKIE: What are you talking about? This is great. It'll be like a slumber party. RORY: Are you sure? SOOKIE: Absolutely. We can raid the fridge. We can make a nice avocado- mango face mask. Get out the tarot cards, tell fortunes, play Twister, make a Häagen-Dazs chocolate chocolate chip ice cream milkshake, and we'll watch Purple Rain. . . LORELAI: Sookie, it's midnight. SOOKIE: Okay, let's go straight for the milkshakes. LORELAI: Good thinking. RORY: I'm gonna put my stuff in the guest room. CUT TO KITCHEN LORELAI: Sookie, I really appreciate you letting us crash here tonight. It was so creepy just lying there listening to a thousand tiny little insects just mocking me. 'Ha ha, we're eating your house, try and stop us.' SOOKIE: When are you going to tent? LORELAI: Next week. SOOKIE: Ugh, that sucks. LORELAI: Two thousand dollars. SOOKIE: That sucks. LORELAI: And after the two thousand dollar circus tent fiasco, I have to find another fifteen thousand dollars to keep my house from falling down. SOOKIE: Aw honey. LORELAI: I like that house. SOOKIE: I know you do. LORELAI: I don't want it to fall down. SOOKIE: I know you don't. LORELAI: So anyway, I called the bank today. SOOKIE: How did that go? LORELAI: Well, it - wait, yeah, oh, what's that? Yeah, they're still laughing. SOOKIE: What? LORELAI: Yeah, they passed the phone around, made me ask everyone in the place. SOOKIE: That is terrible! Ugh, completely heartless. LORELAI: According to the jolly bankers, I'm worth nothing. SOOKIE: There still has to be something you can do. LORELAI: I was thinking about opening a Coyote Ugly lemonade stand. SOOKIE: Interesting. [Rory walks into the kitchen] RORY: What's interesting? LORELAI: Mm, nothing, nothing. Just that your mom is apparently one of the biggest losers in Stars Hollow. RORY: Okay, continue. SOOKIE: I think you should call them again tomorrow. LORELAI: No, uh, Sookie. . . SOOKIE: No, I mean it. I mean, you're an upstanding citizen, you're an active part of the community. RORY: Yeah, you made all of the donkey outfits for the Christmas festival last year. SOOKIE: You organized the Save the Historic Oak Tree campaign. RORY: And you played Tevye in the, uh, Stars Hollow Community Theater production of Fiddler on the Roof. LORELAI: Yes, well, five and a half stars from the Stars Hollow Gazette, unheard of 'til that time. SOOKIE: They should take that into account. RORY: Yes, they should. LORELAI: Yes, they should, but they won't. [A noise comes from Sookie's closet.] SOOKIE: Hey, uh, I bet there's a room at the inn you could stay in, part time at least. LORELAI: Sookie, what was that? SOOKIE: What? LORELAI: That noise. SOOKIE: What noise? LORELAI: Sookie, a huge thud just came from your closet. SOOKIE: Oh, yeah, that's my shoes. LORELAI: Your shoes? SOOKIE: Yeah, that's my shoe closet, and um, sometimes I don't, uh, stack them properly and then, uh, they fall and then there's a thudding sound and then, uh, no, you, uh, and that's probably the sound that you just heard. Ooh, the ice cream's getting, uh, melted so you better -. [Lorelai knocks on the closet door] LORELAI: Jackson? JACKSON: Yes? LORELAI: How're you doing? JACKSON: I'm doing fine, you? LORELAI: Sookie, Jackson's hiding in the closet. SOOKIE: Yes he is. LORELAI: Why didn't you say something? SOOKIE: Well, because you were upset and you were bringing Rory over and I didn't want her to feel weird or uncomfortable. LORELAI: So you stuck Jackson in the closet? JACKSON: Yes she did. RORY: Jackson, come out. JACKSON: I'm in my pajamas. LORELAI: So are we. JACKSON: Yeah, but mine are humiliating. LORELAI: We won't laugh. JACKSON: Yes you will. RORY: I promise we won't. JACKSON: I'm fine. LORELAI: Well, are you gonna be fine in there all night 'cause that's how long we're staying - all night. RORY: And knowing Sookie, she's gonna make a big breakfast. LORELAI: That's right, so tonight will last until late tomorrow morning, so the bottom line for you here buddy is you're gonna be holed up in that closet a very, very long time. JACKSON: If I come out, you have to understand one thing. LORELAI: Okay. JACKSON: I have a cousin who owns a Xerox company that specializes in taking pictures and making them into things - calendars, coffee mugs, collector plates, and pajamas. LORELAI: Jackson's wearing picture pajamas? SOOKIE: Yes he is. LORELAI: Does he do this often? SOOKIE: Almost every night. RORY: What are the pictures of? SOOKIE: Him. LORELAI: Oh! SOOKIE: During high school. LORELAI: Ahh! SOOKIE: In his wrestling uniform. LORELAI: Jackson, you have to come out here right now! JACKSON: No. LORELAI: Why? JACKSON: Because you sound too eager. LORELAI: I'm not eager, am I eager? RORY: Put your paws down. LORELAI: Jackson, I'm not eager. I just want you to come out here and be comfortable, that's all. JACKSON: Well, okay. [Jackson opens the closet door] LORELAI: Huh. SOOKIE: Okay, well honey, we're making milkshakes, you wanna come in and help? JACKSON: Okay. LORELAI: [quietly to Rory] If our house does fall down and we end up living in a hollowed out tree, this moment might make it all worth it. CUT TO KIM'S ANTIQUES [Rory walks through the front door] RORY: Hello? Lane? MRS. KIM: What are you doing here? RORY: Mrs. Kim, hi. I was just - . MRS. KIM: Out. RORY: What? MRS. KIM: Out, out, out! RORY: But I wiped off my feet. MRS. KIM: Move! Move! [Mrs. Kim ushers Rory outside] RORY: I was just looking for Lane and I thought that maybe she was - . MRS. KIM: Taylor says you have termites. RORY: I don't have termites, my house does. MRS. KIM: You are a carrier. RORY: I don't think you can really be a termite carrier. MRS. KIM: You'll spread it all over town. RORY: Mrs. Kim, I swear, we don't control the termites. They move around on their own. MRS. KIM: See all the furniture in there? Wood, all wood. You must go. Go now! RORY: Can you just tell me if Lane is home? MRS. KIM: No. RORY: Well, do you know where she is? MRS. KIM: School. RORY: Still? MRS. KIM: Yes, still. She's there, she's studying. What's that moving by your foot? RORY: What? MRS. KIM: I see something moving by your foot. RORY: Nope, there's nothing, I swear. [Mrs. Kim sprays the hose near Rory's feet] RORY: Agh! Will you tell her I came by? CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai sits at the living room couch working on the computer. Rory walks over and sits near her.] RORY: And then she chased me halfway down the street with the hose. It was like a scene from Silkwood. LORELAI: Ugh, news travels way too fast around here. RORY: Four people asked me when we were tenting, two people asked me if we were moving, and one person asked me if we were atheists. LORELAI: See, we have to stop talking to people. We have to stay at home with the curtains drawn collecting stacks of old newspapers, muttering to each other, eating nothing but Cup of Soup and Slim Jims. [phone rings, Rory answers] RORY: Hello? MADELINE: Hi Rory, it's Madeline. RORY: Oh, hi. MADELINE: Listen, I have to ask you a little favor. RORY: Okay. MADELINE: Well, see, I'm working on an article for the Franklin - totally last minute. But I thought it would be really interesting to compare Chilton's overall PSAT scores to other prep schools in the area. RORY: Uh huh. MADELINE: So I'm trying to compile a list of people's scores, especially the top students, and I realized I don't have yours yet. RORY: Oh, so you wanna know my PSAT scores? MADELINE: Yes, that would be great. RORY: Put Paris on the phone. MADELINE: Excuse me? RORY: Paris, let me talk to her. MADELINE: Oh, Paris isn't here. I don't know where she is. She's probably at her house, or maybe at the library, or maybe she's buying pencils because she goes through them so fast 'cause she pushes down on them really hard and then they break and . . . RORY: Madeline. MADELINE: Hold on. [hands phone to Paris] PARIS: What? RORY: Pathetic. PARIS: Why won't you tell me? RORY: Bye Paris. PARIS: Tell me those scores, I have to know! Rory? [Rory hangs up] LORELAI: Paris again? RORY: Yup. LORELAI: God. You know, I think if we put Paris and my mother in a room together, the world would implode. RORY: I'll keep that in mind for the next science fair. LORELAI: Enough. Now I've got computer screens feeling sorry for me. RORY: Geez, how many places is that? LORELAI: Aw honey, it's not the amount of places that turns you down that matters, it's the quality of the place that turns you down that matters. And when you've got Jacko's Loans and Stuff not wanting your business, you know it's time to hang out with the Coreys. RORY: I'm sorry. LORELAI: It's okay. I won't think about it tonight. I'll think about it tomorrow - at Tara. You ready? RORY: One sec. You know Mom, I hate to bring this up, but I think there's a really obvious solution to our problem. LORELAI: I know hon. RORY: You do? LORELAI: Yes. And frankly, I think if I sold you into white slavery, I would miss you. RORY: Mom. LORELAI: Rory, please don't go where you're going. RORY: I think they would say yes. LORELAI: Of course they would say yes. And that yes would be followed by, 'Okay, okay, enough already. My God, please stop. I'm a shell, I've got nothing left to give.' RORY: That's not true. LORELAI: That is completely true. RORY: Grandma and Grandpa would wanna help. LORELAI: Rory, I went to my parents for you for Chilton. Why? Because that was worth all the obligation. This is not. RORY: This is our home. LORELAI: Yes, and I'll find a way to fix it. RORY: But how? LORELAI: I don't know yet. RORY: Well if you don't know yet, then maybe there's not another way. LORELAI: There's always another way. RORY: Was there another way with Chilton? LORELAI: That was different. RORY: Why was that different? LORELAI: Because I said that was different and I'm the one doing the groveling and the groveling gets you judgment rights and I am judging that this is different. RORY: Well, the remaining judge begs to differ. LORELAI: Rory, I know you mean well, but I'm not gonna deal with my parents on this one, okay? RORY: Mom. LORELAI: No. RORY: You're being stubborn. LORELAI: Oh no, have I shocked you? RORY: Fine, let's go. CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Lorelai and Rory are sitting on the living room couch. Emily hands them each a drink, then sits down in the chair.] RORY: So where's Grandpa tonight? EMILY: He's at work. LORELAI: Mom, did you explain to him that part of the quitting process means you don't go back to the job you quit? EMILY: He did not quit, he resigned. LORELAI: Hmm, same rules apply. EMILY: No, when you resign you have to put in a certain amount of time to get things in order. He has clients to see, certain accounts to close out. RORY: Is that hard for him? EMILY: Actually, I think he's rather enjoying it. RORY: Well good. EMILY: Yes, it is good. [sees Lorelai taking a pill] What are you taking? LORELAI: Roofies. RORY: Aspirin. EMILY: Are you getting sick? LORELAI: No, I just have a headache. EMILY: Well having a headache means you're sick. You think it's normal to have a headache? LORELAI: No, I just have a tension headache. EMILY: Well, what do you have to be tense about? LORELAI: Oh, well, I can't begin to think. EMILY: You should lie down. LORELAI: I'm fine. EMILY: You work too hard. LORELAI: No, I don't. EMILY: If you didn't work so hard you wouldn't have a tension headache. LORELAI: It's not a work tension headache, Mom. EMILY: So then you are sick? LORELAI: Actually, I am, I'm sick. EMILY: I knew it, what's wrong? LORELAI: Consumption with a touch of the vapors. I'm going for a leeching tonight after coffee. RORY: She's got a case of exterminator-itis. EMILY: What's that mean? LORELAI: Nothing. RORY: We have termites. EMILY: Oh that's terrible! LORELAI: It's not so bad. RORY: They're eating our whole house. LORELAI: But they always say thank you. EMILY: What does that mean, they're eating your whole house? LORELAI: Rory. RORY: Well, we found out that we have all these foundation problems and it's going to be very expensive to fix and Mom can't get a loan. LORELAI: That is not true. RORY: You've been turned down by five banks. LORELAI: Hey, I made up Jacko's Loans and Stuff. RORY: Fine, four banks. [Emily walks over to a desk and sits down. Lorelai follows her.] LORELAI: Mom, uh, wait. What are you doing? EMILY: I'm writing you a check. LORELAI: No you're not. Okay, hold on here. EMILY: How much do you need? LORELAI: Nothing. EMILY: Don't be ridiculous, just tell me how much. LORELAI: I can handle this. EMILY: It doesn't sound like you can handle it. LORELAI: Well, I can. EMILY: Fine, if you won't tell me how much, I'll leave the amount blank and you can fill it in later. LORELAI: Mom, stop. [takes Emily's pen out of her hand and walks back to the couch] EMILY: You took my pen! LORELAI: Mom, I appreciate the thought, but I don't need your money. EMILY: So you'd rather have your house fall down then let your mother help you? LORELAI: Mom, the house is not gonna fall down. Let's not make this a big issue. Let's just sit down and have a drink and have dinner, okay? EMILY: All right. LORELAI: Thank you EMILY: Are you going to give me back my pen? LORELAI: Yeah, after dinner. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai and Rory walk through the front door.] RORY: Mom, stop it. Talk to me. [Lorelai ignores her and goes upstairs] It's been two hours since you've even looked in my direction. CUT TO LORELAI'S BEDROOM [Lorelai walks in and starts cleaning off her bed. Rory walks in a few seconds later] RORY: Okay, I get it, you're mad. LORELAI: Rory, I do not want to talk about this right now. ORY: You were just being stubborn. LORELAI: Go to bed. RORY: Well you didn't want to ask for help, so I did. LORELAI: Hey, do you remember the conversation we had before we left this house tonight? RORY: Yes, but -. LORELAI: I told you going to my parents was not an option. RORY: I know, but -. LORELAI: In fact, I told you several times that asking my parents was not an option. Now yes, I might have made a few quips to lighten the subject matter, but I still think I made my point pretty damn clear. RORY: Fine, but we have a real problem here. LORELAI: Oh, you think I don't know that? You think I sit around all day swapping witticisms with Robert Benchley at the Algonquin? No! I am thinking and worrying and using the computer and I hate using the computer! RORY: Which is exactly why I brought this up. LORELAI: You had no right to bring it up! RORY: Why? LORELAI: Because I told you not to, that's why! RORY: But -. LORELAI: No, there are no buts! There will be no buts here! There's 'I'm sorry Mom', there's 'I screwed up Mom', there's 'I'll never do it again Mom', but there are no buts! RORY: But -. LORELAI: Out! RORY: Mom! LORELAI: Go to bed. We're done. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO STARS HOLLOW HIGH [Rory sits on the front steps reading. From behind, Dean throws a basketball towards her] DEAN: Think fast! Very good. RORY: You threw a basketball at my head. DEAN: No, I threw a basketball past your head. RORY: What if I had turned around when you said that? DEAN: Then you might've caught it, thereby completing the whole 'think fast' equation. RORY: I don't catch basketballs. DEAN: Duly noted. RORY: I don't even like basketballs. DEAN: Okay, I'm very sorry. RORY: In fact, out of all the sporting balls in the world, the basketball is probably my least favorite. DEAN: Rory. RORY: They're round and hard. DEAN: Rory. RORY: And they're orange. DEAN: And you do realize how insane you sound right now? RORY: Yes. DEAN: Okay, just checking. RORY: I'm sorry, I'm in a horrible mood. DEAN: Hadn't noticed. RORY: It's just, we've had fights before. DEAN: You and me? RORY: Me and Mom. DEAN: Ah. RORY: But this one is particularly crazy. I mean, we have a situation here and she's being so stubborn. DEAN: Huh. RORY: What? DEAN: What what? RORY: What was with the huh? DEAN: Nothing. RORY: No, there was a meaning behind that huh. That was a loaded huh. That was not a normal huh. You meant to say something with that huh, and now you're taking it back. DEAN: Okay, now. . . RORY: Don't use that kind of huh if you're not prepared to defend it. Why aren't you saying anything? DEAN: Because words are a very dangerous thing right now. RORY: You were saying that I'm stubborn just like my mother. DEAN: I was saying that in addition to all of the wonderful amazing qualities that the two of you share there is possibly, on occasion, a similar tendency to dig your heels in. RORY: I hate it when we fight. DEAN: I know. RORY: She was so mad. DEAN: Well you'll make up. You wanna get a coffee? RORY: Yeah. DEAN: All right, I'll go get my ball. [As Dean walks away, some cheerleaders walk out of the school. Rory sees that Lane is one of them. They make eye contact and quickly look away as Dean returns with a flattened ball.] DEAN: If it makes you feel any better, a car ran over it. RORY: I need to get coffee now. CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN [Lorelai walks through the lobby talking on the phone] LORELAI: Hi Mr. Regalsky, it's Lorelai Gilmore. Again, yes, just like the pink bunny with the drum. Uh, anyway, I was wondering if, um, you have had a chance to reconsider my loan? . . . Uh, no, I think it's Energizer. . . I know you said no, but um, you know sometimes people say no and then they wake up one morning a couple of days later and think, 'Hey, maybe I shouldn't have turned down that nice single mom with the good job and the great credentials and the references up the wazoo' . . . I do like the word wazoo. . . I understand. . .Okay, well, I'll give you a call in a couple of days then. . . Thank you. [hangs up] MICHEL: Perhaps you are taking the wrong approach. LORELAI: Meaning? MICHEL: Well, you've tried to convince them of your virtue, perhaps it's time to offer them a lap dance. You didn't. LORELAI: I was kidding, sort of. MICHEL: Oh dear. LORELAI: Well I have to do something and I'm not sure exactly where to draw the line. MICHEL: You know in Thailand, women do this trick with a Ping-Pong ball that is a big crowd pleaser. LORELAI: Line drawn, thank you. [phone rings, Michel answers] MICHEL: Independence Inn, Michel speaking. Ah, yes. She is right here. [hands phone to Lorelai] Your mother. LORELAI: Hi mom. EMILY: Lorelai, I called to tell you I talked to Miles Hahn today. LORELAI: Well, that sounds very nice, I'm glad. EMILY: You have any idea who Miles Hahn is? LORELAI: Not a bit. EMILY: He's the president of the First National Bank. We've been doing business with him for years. He's become a very dear friend of ours actually. LORELAI: What does that have to do with me Mom? EMILY: Well, I brought up your little dilemma to him. LORELAI: Oh boy. EMILY: And he told me that if you were in the mood to come talk to him, you could feel free to do so. On Thursday, at 3:15. LORELAI: So you wrangled me a meeting at your bank? EMILY: I asked a friend for advice. LORELAI: What else did you ask him for Mom? EMILY: Lorelai, I simply asked a man to talk to you. What you talk about or what comes out of that talk is strictly up to you. LORELAI: Well, thanks Mom, but I'm fine. EMILY: So you got a loan? LORELAI: I got a lead. EMILY: A lead on a loan? LORELAI: Yes. EMILY: How nice. Now if you could just get an actual loan. LORELAI: Okay Mom, I gotta get back to work. EMILY: Thursday at 3:15. LORELAI: Mom, tell your friend thank you, but I'm afraid I won't be able to make it. EMILY: He'll be there whether you show up or not, it's up to you. All I did was make an appointment Lorelai, that's all. LORELAI: Great. Bye Mom. [hangs up, then dials a number] Hi, Mr. Regalsky please? It's Lorelai Gilmore. . . Oh, I just spoke to him five minutes ago. . . . When do you expect him back from France? CUT TO OUTSIDE LUKE'S [Rory and Dean walk out of the diner.] DEAN: Okay, so uh, I'll call you later. RORY: Thanks for the coffee. DEAN: You're welcome. [they kiss] Bye. RORY: Bye. [Rory kisses him again] That's for me not thinking fast. DEAN: Please never think fast again. RORY: I'll try my hardest. [Dean walks away. Rory sees Lane across the street, and they walk towards each other.] LANE: We need to talk. RORY: Okay, let's talk. Nice outfit. LANE: Thank you. RORY: So I guess this is why you've been AWOL for the past couple of weeks? LANE: Pretty much. RORY: So what, you just had the urge to stand on top of another girl's shoulders? LANE: Don't be like that. RORY: Like what? LANE: Like you're being. It makes it impossible to tell you. RORY: You didn't tell me. LANE: I know. RORY: Why? LANE: Because. RORY: Okay, have you ever thought of being a prosecutor because I think you've got real potential. LANE: I didn't tell you because I knew you'd act like this. RORY: No, I'm acting like this because you didn't tell me. LANE: Oh, so if I'd come up to you and I'd said, 'Rory, I'm wanna become a cheerleader,' you would've said. . . RORY: Why? LANE: Exactly. RORY: Exactly what? Lane, this is weird. I mean, we always used to make fun of cheerleaders. You and I, we would rag on Janie Fertman and hide during pep rallies and now all of a sudden, you're peppy. LANE: I'm not peppy. RORY: Well you look peppy. LANE: Look, you're not around much anymore. RORY: Oh, so this is my fault? LANE: And you have Dean. RORY: So this is his fault? LANE: It's just . . .I don't know. I don't know why. I just wanted to do it. I just wanted to try it, and I don't feel like I should have to justify it to you or explain it to you or... RORY: Then don't! LANE: Fine I won't. RORY: Okay. LANE: All right. I forgot my pom. RORY: Your what? LANE: Two are pompoms, one's a pom! CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Out front, Luke is lying halfway under the porch as Lorelai sits nearby] LORELAI: Well, how's it look? LUKE: It's dark. Hand me the flashlight. LORELAI: Why don't you have one of those hats with the lights on them? LUKE: I flip burgers for a living. LORELAI: Right, right. LUKE: Okay. I think I've seen enough. [comes out from under the porch] LORELAI: Well how was it? Was there like a termite housing development under there? Golf courses and condos with rec rooms? LUKE: It's actually not too bad. LORELAI: Well what do you know? You flip burgers for a living. LUKE: I mean, there's definitely a little damage. LORELAI: Yeah, but Kirk says that the joists were totally gone. LUKE: Yeah, they are. LORELAI: And that the foundation has lost all its structural integrity. LUKE: That's true too. LORELAI: Okay great, so I'm still screwed. LUKE: Not necessarily. LORELAI: Luke, I need fifteen thousand dollars which I can't find, don't have, and if I don't find, the house is gonna fall down. LUKE: I can help you with that. LORELAI: You can? LUKE: Yeah, I can get a couple guys, we can get in there and do the work. LORELAI: You can fix this? LUKE: Well, I can help. I know a good contractor. He did some work on the diner. LORELAI: What about the money? LUKE: Um, you won't have to deal with that right away. LORELAI: I won't? LUKE: No, you can pay it out in installments if you want. Monthly, bimonthly, whatever - whatever you're comfortable with. LORELAI: So, let me get this straight. Uh, you and some guys who actually know what they're doing are gonna come over and fix my house, and I can pay them back whenever I want? LUKE: That's right. LORELAI: 'Cause I'm Tony Soprano? LUKE: Only scarier. LORELAI: Now Luke, when I finally do make out this installment check, uh, who should I make it out to? LUKE: Well, you can make it out to me if you like. LORELAI: Oh, so basically you would be fronting me the money? LUKE: Well, yeah, but it's no big deal. LORELAI: Luke, that's a loan. LUKE: No, it's just a temporary exchange of money for services that will be paid back when you finally have the. . . it's a loan. LORELAI: Man, you suck as a liar. Thank you. LUKE: You're welcome. LORELAI: I can't take it. LUKE: I know, but it was worth a shot. [Rory walks up the porch steps] LORELAI: Hey, uh, Dean called twice. RORY: Rah, rah, rah. [goes into the house] LUKE: You two. . . LORELAI: Don't ask. LUKE: Okay. So what are you gonna do? CUT TO FIRST NATIONAL BANK [Lorelai enters the bank and walks up to a woman] LORELAI: Oh, excuse me, could you tell me where Mr. Hahn's office is? WOMAN: Yeah, it's right there. LORELAI: Oh, thank you. [Lorelai walks towards the office, but stops when she sees Emily] LORELAI: You are not seriously sitting there. EMILY: No, it's a hologram. Lifelike, isn't it? LORELAI: Mom, why are you here? EMILY: I just wanted to see if you'd show up. LORELAI: I did. EMILY: I see. LORELAI: Mom, you said you made this appointment for me. Not you, me. EMILY: I did. But I know Miles and I thought my presence in there would - . LORELAI: Ooh, ooh. In where? EMILY: In the meeting. LORELAI: Okay. Bye. EMILY: Where are you going? Come back here. Lorelai! CUT TO OUTSIDE [Lorelai walks out of the bank with Emily following her] EMILY: Lorelai, stop. Will you stop already? LORELAI: I'm leaving Mom. EMILY: Why, because I'm here? LORELAI: This is a business meeting. I'm not going in there with my Mommy, especially since I left my blankie at home. EMILY: You're being stubborn and short sided. LORELAI: Call it whatever you want. EMILY: I don't understand why you would let your silly pride keep you from fixing your home. LORELAI: I don't understand why you can't physically stop yourself from butting in where you don't belong. EMILY: I made this appointment. LORELAI: Against my will. EMILY: You needed it. LORELAI: I didn't ask for it. EMILY: Lorelai, this man can solve your problems, don't you understand that? LORELAI: Fine. I'll go in, you go home. EMILY: I can't go home now, his assistant already knows I'm here. It would be rude. LORELAI: Okay, here's the deal. We will both go in. You will go in that room but you will not say a word. EMILY: What? But I couldn't possibly just - . LORELAI: You'll say hello, you'll ask how his wife is, and that's it. After that, you will say nothing, you will do nothing, you will sit in the corner and offer no opinions and pull a full-on Clarence Thomas, am I making myself perfectly clear? EMILY: Lorelai. LORELAI: It's the only way I'm doing this, Mom. EMILY: All right, I'll be quiet. I will, I promise. LORELAI: I swear, one of these days, Alice. Pow! Right to the moon. EMILY: What on earth are you talking about? Who's Alice? CUT TO INSIDE BANK [Lorelai and Emily walk back into the bank.] MILES: Oh, there you are. I thought you were here, I come out and you were gone. EMILY: Oh, well, we left something in the car. LORELAI: Oh, yeah, she left something in the car, not me. I never leave anything in the car 'cause that would be irresponsible and forgetful, two things which I am not. EMILY: Miles, this is my daughter Lorelai. MILES: Well hello. It's a thrill to finally meet you. LORELAI: Same here, thank you. MILES: Would you two like some coffee? LORELAI: No. EMILY: Coffee would be wonderful, thank you. MILES: Coming right up. [walks away] LORELAI: Hi, what happened to you not saying anything? EMILY: Accepting coffee is merely being sociable. Besides, I haven't asked how his wife is yet. [Miles walks back] MILES: Okay, coffee's on its way. Why don't we go on in and sit down? EMILY: That would be lovely. CUT TO INSIDE OFFICE [The three of them walk in and sit down.] MILES: So I understand that Richard's retiring. EMILY: Yes, he's going to be a man of leisure. MILES: Well, how nice. Any big plans? EMILY: Actually, an around the world trip has been discussed. LORELAI: Really? Any dates set? EMILY: No, not yet. LORELAI: Just checking. [the secretary brings in the coffee] MILES: Ah, Marnie, thank you. So I guess we should probably get down to business. Lorelai, your mother tells me you're having a little trouble finding a loan. LORELAI: Yes I am. Um, you know, before we talk about this - it's so funny - my mom has just been dying to ask you how your wife is doing. Right mom? EMILY: Yes, how is Sheryl? MILES: Why, she's fine. LORELAI: Okay, good, now that we got that out of the way, about my situation. MILES: Well, Emily tells me that you have termites. LORELAI: Yes, we do. And unfortunately they have damaged the foundation of my house. MILES: That could be terrible. I remember when you and Richard had that foundation problem a couple years ago. What, you had a flood in your basement, wasn't that it? EMILY: Well, actually -. LORELAI: You know, Mr. Hahn, I appreciate you taking the time to meet with me today, and I know that the only reason you did is because of my mother, but she's really here today as a kind of silent participant. Uh, not even actually a participant, just a silent. Um, so I would appreciate it if you would treat me just like any other person who was walking in off the street and asking for a loan. MILES: Oh, well, of course. If that's what you'd like. LORELAI: It is, thank you. Now, I've brought, um, all my previous loan documents and also my bank statements, numerous recommendations including a letter from my employer which just basically says that she's not gonna fire me before you get your money back. MILES: Oh, you've taken out two previous loans on this house? LORELAI: Um, yes. MILES: And this is the estimated worth of the house? LORELAI: Well, uh, yes. MILES: And this is the amount in your savings account? LORELAI: Yes. MILES: Any other accounts not listed here? LORELAI: No. MILES: Any other collateral not listed here? LORELAI: No. MILES: Well Ms. Gilmore, I'm sorry, I can't help you. LORELAI: Uh, that's it? So fast? You didn't even look at the letters of recommendation. MILES: Well I'm sure you're a well liked person, Ms. Gilmore. Unfortunately being well liked is not grounds for granting a loan. LORELAI: Oh, but I am good for the money. I, uh, pay off all my debts and I work really hard. I've been the executive manager of the Independence Inn for the last four years now. MILES: Ms. Gilmore, this is not a reflection of you as a person. It's simply a case where you don't have what the bank requires of every other person off the street to qualify for a loan. Therefore, there's nothing I can do. LORELAI: Well now, just think about this because, uh, I have a kid and she's gotten awfully used to the whole concept of having a roof over her head. MILES: I'm sorry. LORELAI: I can't leave without this loan. MILES: Well, I'm sorry. LORELAI: No, I mean it. I can't leave without knowing there's a way that I can save my house, so I'm just asking you to take five minutes and think of something, anything that I can do to get this money. MILES: Well, you can get someone to cosign the loan with you. LORELAI: That's it? That's my only option? MILES: I'm afraid so. LORELAI: You knew about this, didn't you? Mom? EMILY: Hm? LORELAI: Would you be willing. . . EMILY: It would be my pleasure. MILES: Wonderful. I'll have the papers drawn up today. Would you like some more coffee? EMILY: I would love some, thank you. CUT TO OUTSIDE [Lorelai and Emily walk out of the bank] EMILY: Well, I think that went very well. LORELAI: So what's the new arrangement gonna be? EMILY: Excuse me? LORELAI: Well, you helped me pay for Chilton, I gave you Friday night dinners, so what's this, Sunday night tea? EMILY: Lorelai, I did this for your own good. LORELAI: Wednesday night bridge club? EMILY: Lorelai. LORELAI: Monday night football? EMILY: Stop it! LORELAI: What Mom? Just please tell me, what do I owe you? EMILY: You owe me nothing. I just wanted to do something nice for my daughter, that's all. CUT TO STARS HOLLOW [A nighttime pep rally is being held in front of Stars Hollow High.] TAYLOR: It's already shaping up to be the best season ever, due in part to the recent arrival of our brand new basketball coach Lou Magillian, formerly the presiding legal counsel for the Chicago Bulls. Lou, come on up here and take a bow. Those other teams had better watch out, we've got one of the big boys on our side now, huh? Shaq who? And in addition to our new coach, we're extremely proud of our brand new uniforms, thoughtfully supplied by you, the citizens of Stars Hollow, and carefully cleaned by the good people at Tricky's Dry Cleaners. If it's sticky, try Tricky's. Let's hear it for Tricky! I'm telling you, they are terrific. Red and white, very durable, little stripes on the side - oh you know what, why don't you just see for yourselves. Come on, show 'em your uniforms. PLAYER: Mr. Doose, it's freezing out here. Why don't you let 'em see it at the game? TAYLOR: Young man, the people in this town paid good money for those uniforms. Now you show them what they paid for. PLAYER: This is crazy. TAYLOR: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the new uniforms of the fabulous fighting Minutemen. [cut to Rory standing in the crowd next to Bootsy] BOOTSY: Oh look at them shivering up there. They're such wimps these days. When I was on the team, it was different. We were rowdy. Three of us would've been pantsed by now. [Bootsy walks away and Lorelai walks over] LORELAI: Hey. RORY: Oh hey. LORELAI: I got your note. RORY: Yeah, well pinning it to the Mallomars is always a safe bet. LORELAI: Oh, coffee? RORY: Please. LORELAI: So, um, Grandma and I went to the bank today. RORY: How'd it go? LORELAI: We got the loan. RORY: Good. So then everything's okay? LORELAI: Yeah, well. Wow, nice uniforms. RORY: I'm sorry I told Grandma about it. LORELAI: Aw hon, listen, there's gonna be a time in our lives where occasionally I'm gonna make a mistake. It hasn't happened yet, but it might. RORY: Sure. LORELAI: But I have earned the right to make that mistake, and I have earned the right to fix any problems without interference. RORY: I just thought that they could help. LORELAI: But I didn't want their help RORY: But -. LORELAI: Rory, have you ever been without food or clothes or books or book covers for that matter or anything else you ever needed? RORY: No. LORELAI: No, and see, the reason for that is me. I have a pretty good track record for keeping you alive. RORY: Yeah, you do. LORELAI: So when I tell you I can handle something, you need to respect that, especially since you have no evidence proving I won't. Understand? RORY: Yeah, I understand. I'm sorry. LORELAI: I officially declare this fight over. RORY: I'll drink to that. [The cheerleaders run out and start their routine] LORELAI: Is that Lane? RORY: Yeah, that's Lane. LORELAI: Hah. [The cheerleaders finish their routine] CUT TO SIDEWALK [After the Pep Rally, Rory walks up to Lane.] RORY: Hey. LANE: Hi. RORY: So the music selection, yours I assume? LANE: Yeah, there was a bit of an education process going on. RORY: I liked it. Very John Waters. LANE: Thank you. RORY: I don't want you to think that you can't tell me things. LANE: I don't wanna not tell you thing. RORY: And this whole cheerleading thing LANE: I know it's weird. RORY: No, it's not that weird. I mean, if you were doing it professionally, then it would be weird. But this, it looked fun. LANE: It was fun. RORY: And hey, you got them to cheer to Madness, so there must be some hope left in the world. LANE: I want you rest assured that I remain me. I mean, Nico-obsessed, Exene wannabe with forty Korean bibles under her bed. I just bounce a little more. RORY: So can cheerleaders get coffee? LANE: Oh yeah, coffee's a must. RORY: Yeah? LANE: Keeps you perky. CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Lorelai, Rory and Emily are eating dinner] LORELAI: So Mom, they started work on the house yesterday. EMILY: Oh, good. LORELAI: Yeah, these guys come at like the crack of dawn and all of a sudden there's all this hammering and drilling and dust flying everywhere. RORY: It's pretty impressive actually. LORELAI: They're a nice bunch too. And the best part is I've been out there like ten times to bring them coffee and I haven't seen a butt crack yet. EMILY: How nice. They should paint that slogan on their truck. Excuse me. LORELAI: Where you going? EMILY: To get some more bread. [leaves room] LORELAI: I think I'll go help. RORY: I think that would be good. CUT TO KITCHEN LORELAI: Mom, I want to apologize to you. EMILY: For what? LORELAI: Ah, for doubting your motives in this whole loan thing. I'm just not used to people doing things without strings attached, that's all. EMILY: By people, you mean me. LORELAI: I don't know what I would've done without your help. I mean it. I was out of ideas and then out of the blue you make this call and cosign the loan with me. I'm really, really grateful. EMILY: Well, that almost sounded sincere. LORELAI: Yeah, I should've left off one of the reallys. That always tips it. EMILY: All right, I accept your apology. LORELAI: Thank you. EMILY: By the way, I'm going to be having my DAR meetings at the inn from now on. I hope you don't mind. [walks away] LORELAI: She's good.	Plan: A: Lorelai; Q: Who is forced to ask Emily to cosign a loan? A: her mother's wishes; Q: What did Rory go against to ask her grandparents to lend her money? A: the money; Q: What does Lorelai need to repair termite damage to her house? A: a strain; Q: What does Lane's desire to become a cheerleader cause in her relationship with Rory? A: her own credit rating; Q: What did Lorelai try to use to raise the money she needed? A: Rory drives; Q: Who drives Paris crazy when she refuses to reveal her PSAT scores? Summary: Lorelai and Rory have a major falling out after Rory goes against her mother's wishes and asks her grandparents to lend Lorelai the money she needs to repair termite damage to their house; Lane's desire to become a cheerleader causes a strain in her relationship with Rory; after an exhaustive and unproductive attempt to raise the funds she needs based on her own credit rating, Lorelai is forced to ask Emily to cosign a loan; Rory drives Paris crazy when she refuses to reveal her PSAT scores.
5:15pm - 5:40pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. CHASM (ANTODUS spins on the end of the rope in the chasm...) ANTODUS: (Hysterical.) I can't hold on! I can't hold on! [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. TUNNEL (IAN'S grip on the rock is reduced to his fingers only as the weight of ANTODUS pulls him nearer the edge.) (His grip starts to slip.) (GANATUS appears from around the cleft and tries to grab at IAN'S sleeve.) GANATUS: I daren't let go with my other hand. IAN: (Shouts.) Antodus! Get a grip on the rock-face. Take the weight off the rope! [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. CHASM ANTODUS: It's too...smooth! [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. TUNNEL IAN: Stop it, you fool! GANATUS: (To IAN.) I'm losing you! (GANATUS manages to grab hold of one of IAN'S hands, rather than his sleeve.) IAN: Sweat on my hands... GANATUS: It...it's no good, Ian! IAN: Call the others! GANATUS: (Shouts.) Kristas! IAN: (Shouts.) Kristas! GANATUS: (Shouts.) Kristas! [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. CHASM (Still hanging in the chasm, ANTODUS has pulled out his knife and is sawing at the rope. The threads part one by one and, when the rope breaks, he falls into the darkness with a scream...) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. TUNNEL (As his weight is lost, IAN pulls himself onto the ledge. He and GANATUS hear the fast receding scream and the sound of him hitting the water below.) GANATUS: (Shocked.) Antodus! (IAN pulls up the rope and see the cut and frayed end. The two men are too stunned to say anything.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: INT. CITY. OPERATIONS ROOM (The DALEKS are in a large operations room. Round the walls are several pieces of scientific equipment and control consoles. DALEKS man the controls as they prepare their operation. In a central alcove is the ejector capsule itself - a large upright piece of machinery. In a small alcove on the left-hand side of the room, the DOCTOR and SUSAN are held by their wrists and ankles to a wall by magnetic manacles. The DOCTOR and SUSAN are desperately trying to talk the DALEKS out of carrying out their plan.) DOCTOR: You could live in the city, and the others could... SUSAN: There's room for both of you... FIRST DALEK: (Interrupting.) What we need for life means death to the Thals! DOCTOR: But why do you have to destroy? Can't you use your brains to try... FIRST DALEK: (Interrupting.) Only one race can survive! DOCTOR: What are you planning? FIRST DALEK: We wish to escape captivity. (It turns and glides away.) FIRST DALEK: Go out and rebuild the planet Skaro. Our oxygen distributors will be subjected to waste radiation by the ejector capsule. DOCTOR: Nothing can live outside if you do that! Nothing! FIRST DALEK: Except the Daleks. DOCTOR: When do you intend to put this into operation? FIRST DALEK: Now. (It turns to another DALEK and plucks a circuit board from its suction cup arm. It then glides over to one of the pieces of equipment nearby.) DOCTOR: This senseless, evil killing! [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. TUNNEL (The survivors of the party sit on the floor of the tunnel, dejected and grubby with dirt as KRISTAS walks towards them having checked ahead.) KRISTAS: There's been a fall of rock. The way is blocked. IAN: Did you look all round it? KRISTAS: Yes. There's no way through. GANATUS: Then we'll have to go back. We came this far. We've done our best...more. First Elyon died and...now my brother...for what? (Bitterly.) Can't you see there isn't any sense in it anymore! BARBARA: We can't give up now. GANATUS: (Bitterly) What is it that you want us to do? IAN: We must go back and...find another way. GANATUS: Oh, why don't we just give up? IAN: Because your brother died, for one thing. He gave us a chance. GANATUS: (Angrily.) My brother didn't want us to come! He said we'd all die! (There is a moment of silence. Suddenly the light from the firebox starts to go low. KRISTAS investigates it.) BARBARA: What's the matter with it? KRISTAS: I don't know. Dirt's got into it, I expect. (To IAN.) Well, if we're going back, we'll have to go back now. We can't cross the chasm without light. BARBARA: Well, we still have the torch. KRISTAS: That's weak too. (IAN gestures to the firebox.) IAN: Can you use it sparingly? KRISTAS: Yeah... IAN: Well, turn it off, Kristas. (KRISTAS turns off the firebox. The tunnel should descend into darkness...but there is a faint light.) KRISTAS: Right. IAN: Wait a minute... (He gets to his feet.) IAN: There's a light coming in here. Where's it coming from? (Excited.) Where's the light coming from? (The whole group has followed IAN'S lead in getting to their feet. They too, look for the light source. IAN clambers up some rocks at the back of the tunnel. The others follow.) IAN: Here, Give me a hand! (He climbs slightly upwards to the light source - a small gap filled with rocks. He starts pulling the rocks out.) BARBARA: Can you see anything? GANATUS: What is it? [SCENE_BREAK] 9: INT. CITY. ROOM (IAN pulls the rocks away. He sees a room with a curved roof filled with pipes and other machinery that resembles turbines.) IAN: (Jubilantly.) We're through! Must have been travelling under the pipes all the time - we're through! [SCENE_BREAK] 10: EXT. FOREST (The other Thals are gathered at the edge of the forest, looking at the city.) DYONI: Alydon? (She walks up to ALYDON.) DYONI: The antenna hasn't moved for some time. ALYDON: No. The Doctor must have succeeded in putting it out of action. DYONI: But why haven't they returned? ALYDON: The Daleks must have captured them. (DYONI bows her head in sorrow. ALYDON puts a comforting hand on her, then addresses his people.) ALYDON: Now, listen everybody. The way to the city is clear. Now is the time to attack! (He picks up a stone branch.) ALYDON: We may be farmers, but have we forgotten how to fight? (The other Thal men are prepared with branches as weapons. One of them has a metal claw from the Magnedon creature.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. CITY. OPERATIONS ROOM (The DALEKS continue their preparations.) FIRST DALEK: Power down to half. SECOND DALEK: Down to half. FIRST DALEK: Seal off nuclear waste disposer. SECOND DALEK: Sealing complete. FIRST DALEK: Begin radiation redirection to distribution capsule. (The DOCTOR and SUSAN see this from their alcove.) SUSAN: Can't we stop them? Can't we do anything? (The DOCTOR calls out to the DALEKS.) DOCTOR: Just a moment! I haven't told you how we came to this planet. (The FIRST DALEK replies but does not turn round to face the DOCTOR.) FIRST DALEK: It does not matter now. DOCTOR: But...but it does! I have a ship capable of crossing the barriers of space and time. Surely this would be invaluable to you? (Now interested, the DALEK turns to the DOCTOR.) FIRST DALEK: A ship? What do you mean? DOCTOR: A Machine. FIRST DALEK: I do not believe you. DOCTOR: But I have! SUSAN: It's true! We have! (The DALEK turns away.) FIRST DALEK: You are not capable of creating such a machine. DOCTOR: You took a part of my ship away from one of my companions - the young man. (The DALEK turns back to face them.) FIRST DALEK: What did it look like? DOCTOR: A small rod with metal at either end. It belongs to my ship. A fluid link containing mercury. Examine it for yourselves. You will see it's part of a complicated machine. (The DALEK glides to a nearby console where the fluid link rests on top.) FIRST DALEK: Yes, I have it here. DOCTOR: Well, let me show you the ship, explain it to you, help you to build another. FIRST DALEK: A bargain for your lives? DOCTOR: Yes FIRST DALEK: Where is this machine? DOCTOR: In the petrified forest outside the city. FIRST DALEK: Good. When the neutron operation has been completed, we will find a way to travel outside the city limits. DOCTOR: No! FIRST DALEK: We will examine your machine. DOCTOR: No! Not unless you stop what you're doing. Otherwise, I won't explain its secrets to you and its philosophy of movement. (The DALEK glides away.) FIRST DALEK: Now that we know of the machine, we can examine it for ourselves. DOCTOR: But you can't operate it without me! FIRST DALEK: Every problem has a solution. (The DOCTOR looks appalled at the failure of his attempt. The DALEK receives an intercom message.) DALEK: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Vibration locator records movement inside the city wall. (The FIRST DALEK spins round.) FIRST DALEK: Details! DALEK: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Disturbance is too great. (The FIRST DALEK glides quickly across the room.) FIRST DALEK: Alert Daleks in section one! The Thals are entering the city! (The DOCTOR and SUSAN hear this. A look of relief appears on SUSAN'S face.) SUSAN: Grandfather, they're coming! DOCTOR: But can they get here in time? [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. CITY. CORRIDOR (IAN and his party move slowly, crouching, down the low slanted corridors. IAN signals to the others to follow him. They stop to get their bearings.) IAN: Now where are we? BARBARA: I have no idea. I have some experience of these corridors, they all look alike. IAN: Yes. We could go back to the lift, but...get back! (They jump into hiding as a DALEK glides up the corridor. It stops to listen to an intercom announcement.) DALEK: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Alert! The Thals are entering the city! All Daleks in section one to level one. Immediate! Immediate! (With the end of the announcement, the DALEK glides on. IAN and the others come out of hiding.) IAN: Alydon and the Thals must be in the city. We must find the control room. (He crosses the corridor, checks that all is clear behind him, then beckons the others to cross.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. CITY. OPERATIONS ROOM (Another intercom message is received as the DALEKS look at a flickering monitor screen.) DALEK: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Interior videoscopes are recording movements on level eight! SUSAN: Grandfather, look! Look, they've found a way through! (IAN and his party are seen on a screen.) SECOND DALEK: All Daleks on level eight, urgent! (IAN is seen to spot the camera, he swings at it with his torch and the screen goes blank.) FIRST DALEK: The Thals have penetrated to level eight! (It glides furiously across the room in a panic.) FIRST DALEK: Immediate action! Immediate action! SECOND DALEK: How did they get into the city? (A THIRD DALEK is by the ejector capsule.) THIRD DALEK: Capsule ready to go critical! FIRST DALEK: Stand by! THIRD DALEK: Standing by. Ready. FIRST DALEK: The last stage of the operation is about to begin. DOCTOR: Stop it, please! FIRST DALEK: Nothing can stop the Daleks! Begin countdown - One hundred! THIRD DALEK: Beginning now. [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. CITY. CORRIDOR (IAN'S group reaches an intersection. IAN holds his torch out round a corner...and a stone branch crashes across it. ALYDON lunges into view, ready to strike again. He pulls himself up short when he sees who it is.) GANATUS: It's Alydon! ALYDON: Ganatus! Well, have...have you found the Doctor? BARBARA: Well, isn't he with you? ALYDON: No, he must have been captured by the Daleks...and Susan. (IAN and BARBARA look at each other in horror.) IAN: But...the Daleks know you and the Thals are in the city. ALYDON: We spilt into groups, but without the Doctor we didn't know what to look for. IAN: We must find that control room! BARBARA: (Correcting him.) We must find the Doctor and Susan! IAN: Barbara, first and foremost, we must find the control room and knock it out. (The Thals have been talking quietly during this discussion and ALYDON is learning of the death of ANTODUS.) ALYDON: And Antodus? GANATUS: Yes, he died bravely. (ALYDON nods solemnly. A DALEK suddenly comes over the intercom.) FIRST DALEK: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Daleks group to control room - immediately. All Daleks to level ten. ALYDON: Well, this is level nine - we must be near! KRISTAS: We've got to go on. (BARBARA points down the corridor.) BARBARA: There's a lift back there. It's only one floor up. FIRST DALEK: (OOV: Over tannoy.) All Daleks to level ten immediately! SECOND DALEK: (OOV: Over tannoy.) Corridor intersections on all levels other than ten will be sealed now! (One of the doors suddenly starts to slide down.) IAN: Kristas! (The three Thals dive for the door but they are too late. IAN sees another starting to close.) IAN: Get that one! (But again they are too slow. The party stand confused, waiting for the next move.) ALYDON: Where? (A third starts to close.) IAN: Help! (They rush for the third door before they are trapped and try and hold it up whilst BARBARA crawls underneath it.) BARBARA: There's another one! (She rushes off further down the corridor. ALYDON has managed to crawl under the first door.) ALYDON: Quickly Barbara, get to it! (GANATUS crawls through next. He looks down the corridor.) GANATUS: Barbara! [SCENE_BREAK] 15: INT. CITY. OPERATIONS ROOM (The DALEKS continue their work at the capsule...) THIRD DALEK: Fifty-two... FIRST DALEK: The Thals are blocking the intersections from sealing on level nine! THIRD DALEK: Fifty-one...fifty... FOURTH DALEK: Increase power! Emergency! Increase power! THIRD DALEK: Forty-nine...forty-eight... [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. CITY. CORRIDOR (BARBARA is pinned under the third door. The others, shouting, rush up.) IAN: All right... GANATUS: Quickly! IAN: Wait a minute, I'll take the strain... (IAN backs to the door and tries to pull it up. ALYDON and KRISTAS help as GANATUS slides under.) IAN: Barbara! Try and slide yourself out! BARBARA: I can't move! (GANATUS is halfway through the door now but his face looks pained at the door crushes his back.) GANATUS: They're pressing down harder! IAN: They're increasing the pressure! Barbara, you must try and roll out, try and free yourself... KRISTAS: Just get my...hands under...! (With an effort, BARBARA manages to squeeze out from under the door.) BARBARA: I'm through! IAN: Alydon! Right! You go next! (ALYDON rushes under the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. CITY. OPERATIONS ROOM THIRD DALEK: Forty-six...forty-five...Forty-four... (A Thal enters the room from a side corridor and is exterminated.) THIRD DALEK: Forty-three...forty-two...forty... [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. CITY. CORRIDOR (IAN is the last to try and get under the door. The others are trying to hold it open.) GANATUS: Hurry, Ian! It's crushing like stone! Come on! (IAN makes it from under the door.) GANATUS: Right! (They all let the door drop.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: INT. CITY. OPERATIONS ROOM (A DALEK surveys the dead Thal that managed to penetrate the control room as the other DALEKS continue the countdown...) THIRD DALEK: Forty...thirty-nine...thirty-eight...thirty-seven... (The DOCTOR and SUSAN are still imprisoned in the alcove.) THIRD DALEK: Thirty-six...thirty-five...thirty-four...thirty-three... (IAN'S party appears in the corridor outside the operations room.) THIRD DALEK: Thirty-two...thirty-one... [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. CITY. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE OPERATIONS ROOM (They jump into hiding as a DALEK glides down the corridor.) THIRD DALEK: (OOV: Inside operations room.) Thirty... [SCENE_BREAK] 21: INT. CITY. OPERATIONS ROOM THIRD DALEK: Twenty-nine...twenty-eight...twenty-seven... (The group stealthily makes their way towards the entrance to the operations room.) THIRD DALEK: Twenty-six... (Unseen by the DALEKS, IAN runs into the room and hides behind a central pillar.) THIRD DALEK: Twenty-five... [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. CITY. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE OPERATIONS ROOM (GANATUS throws BARBARA his coil of rope.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: INT. CITY. OPERATIONS ROOM THIRD DALEK: Twenty-four... (A DALEK glide past IAN'S hiding place. After it has gone, ALYDON rushes over and joins IAN.) THIRD DALEK: Twenty-three...twenty-two...twenty-one...twenty... (From behind the pillar, IAN surveys the room and quickly spots the DOCTOR and SUSAN. He excitedly points them out to ALYDON. At the same time, SUSAN and the DOCTOR see their rescuers and react with excitement.) THIRD DALEK: Nineteen...eighteen...seventeen...sixteen...fifteen... (When the DALEKS are looking in the other direction, IAN and ALYDON run into the alcove and start to free the DOCTOR and SUSAN. BARBARA creates a diversion by throwing a rock at one of the DALEKS. It spins round and fires at her but she dives out of the way behind the doorway.) THIRD DALEK: Fourteen...thirteen... FIRST DALEK: Follow and kill her! (A DALEK glides after her.) THIRD DALEK: Twelve...eleven...ten... (The DALEK glides out of the room...) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. CITY. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE OPERATIONS ROOM (...and is immediately set upon by the Thals with ropes to pull its arm and gun up.) DALEK: Trapped! Help me! Trapped! [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. CITY. OPERATIONS ROOM (The DOCTOR and SUSAN have been set free but as they run from their alcove, the DOCTOR, weak after being manacled for so long, stumbles to the ground.) THIRD DALEK: Nine...eight...seven... (A DALEK approaches the escapees. IAN throws one of the manacles at it.) THIRD DALEK: Six... (GANATUS throws himself on top of one of the DALEKS. Another Thal is exterminated.) THIRD DALEK: Five...four... (The DOCTOR pulls SUSAN behind one of the pieces of machinery for safety. A DALEK glides towards them but IAN and ALYDON attack it. KRISTAS slides down a rope into the control room. He is hit almost immediately by a DALEK ray but instead of falling dead, manages to stagger to his feet and grab hold of his attacker as GANATUS grapples with another DALEK.) SECOND DALEK: Reinforcements! Overpowered! Reinforcements! Quickly! Quickly! (KRISTAS pushes the DALEK into one of the pieces of equipment. It hits it with a huge explosion. The DOCTOR runs towards the ejector capsule.) DOCTOR: Chesterton, come here! IAN: Doctor, Doctor, I think they're dying! (The DOCTOR runs over to where a DALEK is slowly moving around, its arm and gun pointing at the floor.) DALEK: (Weakly.) Power...going... DOCTOR: They were about to spread radiation into the air. IAN: We've knocked out their source of power, I tell you! Look! (As he speaks, the noise of the electronic instruments in the room dies down. He kicks the DALEK across the room. It offers no resistance. The room descends into silence as the power totally drains away. SUSAN, BARBARA and GANATUS are helping the wounded KRISTAS.) SUSAN: Barbara, is he all right? BARBARA: Yes, he's very badly hurt. But he's alive. (IAN picks up the fluid link from a console. One of the DALEKS weakly turns to the DOCTOR.) DALEK: Listen...to...me.... DOCTOR: Yes? DALEK: Stop...our power...from wasting...or it will be....end of the Dalekkksss... DOCTOR: Even if I wanted to, I don't know how. (The DALEK eyestalk raises straight upwards and it twists round as the creature inside gives a strangled cry. ALYDON gets up from the floor and looks round in amazement and relief.) ALYDON: It's finished. (He turns a dead Thal over.) ALYDON: The final war. Five hundred years of destruction end in this. DOCTOR: No doubt you will have other wars to fight. Chesterton? Come along, my boy. We've got work to do. I want to look at the reactors and see if there's any radiation leakage. (They walk up to a DALEK which has been turned on its side and look over it.) IAN: Yes and get the ship working again, Doctor? DOCTOR: Hmm? (IAN holds up the fluid link. The DOCTOR snatches it from him.) DOCTOR: Oh yes, yes, yes, of course. Come along, come along. (He walks out of the room. IAN follows smiles, shakes his head and follows. ALYDON joins the women as they raise KRISTAS to his feet.) ALYDON: Kristas, are you all right? KRISTAS: (Weakly.) Yes thanks. (ALYDON relieves SUSAN of the weight of KRISTAS by taking one of his arms across his shoulder.) ALYDON: Let's get him up to the air (He takes one last look around him.) ALYDON: All this machinery - what good is it to us? None of us knows the first thing about it. BARBARA: Well, you must experiment. These Dalek inventions should be of some use to you. (BARBARA, ALYDON and KRISTAS leave the room. Only SUSAN and GANATUS are left.) SUSAN: Yes, the Daleks have developed food by artificial sunlight. You've got everything you need now. GANATUS: (Quietly.) Yes. (He gazes round the room.) GANATUS: If only there'd been...some other way. (They leave the room to make their way out of the city. Only the destroyed DALEKS remain behind in the silent room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26. EXT. FOREST (A piece of DALEK machinery sits in the Thal encampment. ALYDON is examining it. DYONI passes by and puts a piece of food in his mouth which he accepts happily. The DOCTOR walks by with a rack of test tubes in his hands. He chuckles as he sees ALYDON'S efforts with the machine.) DOCTOR: This is what they call a compensator, my friend. ALYDON: Which is? DOCTOR: The whole of it. (He places his rack of tubes on top if it.) DOCTOR: It's useless. Throw it away, forget it. Unless you want to live in a shell like our dead friends? ALYDON: (Admiringly.) Huh! where do you get your knowledge from, Doctor? You know, there never seems to have been time to ask, but...we don't really know where you come from - or why. (DYONI joins them. The DOCTOR is lost in his own thoughts.) DOCTOR: To rebuild a whole new world. Hmm! How I envy you! ALYDON: But you must stay and help us! We could learn from you. DOCTOR: Oh no, no, no. I'm afraid I'm much too old to be a pioneer - although I was once, amongst my own people. ALYDON: Oh, then stay and advise us, please! DOCTOR: No, no thank you. We are much too far away from home, my granddaughter and I. Thank you all the same. It's a nice gesture on your part. (He points at his rack of test tubes.) DOCTOR: You know, this soil is not quite so barren as you think. I've been making tests...and even you might live to see and hear the birds amongst the trees. (ALYDON and DYONI smile.) DOCTOR: You wanted advice, you said. I never give it - never. But I might just say this to you: Always search for truth. My truth is...in the stars...and yours is here. DYONI: Won't you rest with us? DOCTOR: No, I'm afraid it's out of the question. But I might visit your grandchildren to find if they've learnt the secrets. And if they have, well - who knows? I might live with them! (He laughs. SUSAN excitedly comes up dressed in a long striped cape which she turns round showing off.) SUSAN: Ta-dar! Look, Grandfather...isn't it terrific? Thank you, Dyoni. (She twirls and falls over. They all laugh, including IAN who has just joined them.) IAN: What are you up to, Susan? SUSAN: It's a present from Dyoni. Isn't it gorgeous! IAN: It's lovely! Oh, by the way Doctor, have you fitted the fluid link? DOCTOR: Er, not yet, but I have it safely here. (He pats his coat pocket.) DOCTOR: And there's no need to worry about mercury, young man. IAN: Good. (To DYONI.) Well, goodbye Dyoni. DYONI: Goodbye. IAN: Goodbye, Alydon. ALYDON: Goodbye, Ian. (IAN heads for the TARDIS.) DOCTOR: (To SUSAN.) Come along, my child. I'm hungry. SUSAN: Goodbye, Dyoni. DYONI: Goodbye. SUSAN: Thank you. (SUSAN hugs ALYDON.) SUSAN: (In a whisper.) Bye (She heads for the TARDIS. GANATUS is saying goodbye to IAN and BARBARA at the ship.) IAN: Goodbye, Ganatus. GANATUS: Goodbye, Ian. IAN: Barbara? BARBARA: Right. (The DOCTOR suddenly runs back to the compensator and picks up his rack of test tubes.) DOCTOR: How stupid of me...I very nearly forgot my specimens! (To ALYDON.) Oh, er, your hand, sir. (ALYDON looks puzzled but nevertheless holds out his hand. The DOCTOR takes it and gives it a shake.) DOCTOR: Goodbye. ALYDON: (Puzzled.) Goodbye, Doctor. (BARBARA and GANATUS are by themselves near the ship.) BARBARA: Well, Ganatus? GANATUS: Well, Barbara? (He hands her a length of Thal cloth.) GANATUS: The dress you make from this won't be suitable for swamps and caverns but... BARBARA: Well, that's a good thing. GANATUS: Yes. BARBARA: It's beautiful. Thank you very much. Thank you for everything. GANATUS: (Hesitates.) I wish we... (SUSAN pops her head out of the TARDIS.) SUSAN: Barbara! We're waiting! (BARBARA moves to leave. GANATUS stops her and kisses her hand. BARBARA kisses him back then walks into the TARDIS, closing the door. ALYDON and DYONI walk up to GANATUS.) ALYDON: Come along, Ganatus. (GANATUS looks desolate.) DYONI: Don't be sad, Ganatus. GANATUS: I won't be...but I don't think I'll ever forget her. (His words are interrupted as the TARDIS dematerialisation noise sounds though the trees. The ship vanishes. DYONI walks into the space that the ship occupied and touches the ground. She looks up into the faces of her people in puzzlement...) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (IAN, BARBARA and SUSAN look on as the DOCTOR manipulates the TARDIS controls. As he hurries round the console, there is an explosion and everyone is knocked to one side as the room is plunged into darkness.)	Plan: A: The TARDIS; Q: What has brought the travellers to the planet Skaro? A: two indigenous races; Q: Who do the Doctor and his companions meet on the planet Skaro? A: the Daleks; Q: Who are the Thals fighting with? A: armoured travel machines; Q: What are the Daleks encased in? A: the Thals; Q: Who do the Doctor and his companions convince to fight for their own survival? A: pacifist principles; Q: What do the Thals have? A: their own survival; Q: What do the Thals need to fight for? A: a two-pronged attack; Q: What type of attack did the Thals launch on the Daleks? A: the Dalek city; Q: What do the Thals attack? A: The Daleks; Q: Who are killed when their power supply is cut off? Summary: The TARDIS has brought the travellers to the planet Skaro where they meet two indigenous races - the Daleks, malicious mutant creatures encased in armoured travel machines, and the Thals, beautiful humanoids with pacifist principles. They convince the Thals of the need to fight for their own survival. Joining forces with them and braving Skaro's many dangers, they launch a two-pronged attack on the Dalek city. The Daleks are all killed when, during the course of the fighting, their power supply is cut off.
Teleplay by: Suzie Villandry Story by: Brian Boyle [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are hosting a New Year's party. So the place is crowded and in a shameless promotion for NBC they're watching Jay Leno's coverage of New Year's from Time Square.] Jay Leno: (On TV to Dick Clark) Is there any entertainment there? What are people doing? Joey: All right! Here we go! 1999! The year of Joey! Chandler: (deadpan, standing next to Monica) We're very happy for you. Joey: What's the matter?! Chandler: We wanted to kiss at midnight, but nobody else is going to so y'know... Joey: All right, I'll take care of it. Monica: Oh no, wait! Joey! (They try to stop him, not sure of what he's planning. He ignores them and goes to talk to Ross.) Ross: (hopping) 73! 72! 71! Joey: Ross! Ross! Ross, listen! Who are you kissing at midnight, huh? Rachel or Phoebe? Ross: What? Joey: Well you gotta kiss someone, you can't kiss your sister. Ross: Well, who's gonna kiss my sister. Joey: Chandler. Ross: Awww, man! Really? Joey: Dude-dude, who would you rather have kiss your sister, me or Chandler? Ross: That's a good point. Joey: Yeah. Ross: Oh well, since I have that whole history with Rachel, I guess Phoebe. Joey: Okay, great! Ross: All right. Joey: Pheebs! Pheebs! Ross wants to kiss you at midnight! Phoebe: It's so obvious, why doesn't he just ask? Joey: Rach! Rach! Listen, I'm gonna kiss you at midnight. Rachel: What?! Ross: Well, everyone's gotta kiss someone. You can't kiss Ross you got the history. Rachel: So? Joey: So? Who would you rather have kiss you, me or Chandler? Rachel: Oh, good point. Joey: Yeah! All: (watching the ball drop) 3! 2! 1! HAPPY NEW YEAR!! (And with that everyone starts playing tonsil hockey. Chandler with Monica, Ross with Phoebe, and Joey with Rachel.) Chandler: (To Monica) Happy New Year! Monica: Happy New Year. Ross: (To Phoebe) Happy New Year, Pheebs! Phoebe: You too! Rachel: (To Joey) Happy New Year, Joey! Joey: So did that do anything for ya? (Rachel slowly walks away.) Opening Credits [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, after the party. Everyone has left, except for the gang.] Ross: Y'know what? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say no divorces in '99! Rachel: But your divorce isn't even final yet. Ross: Just the one divorce in '99! Y'know what, I am gonna be happy this year. I am gonna make myself happy. Chandler: Do you want us to leave the room, or? Ross: Everyday I am gonna do one thing that I haven't done before. That my friends is my New Year's resolution. Phoebe: Ooh! That's a good one! Mine is to pilot a commercial jet. Chandler: That's good one too, Pheebs. Now all you have to do is find a planeload of people who's resolution is to plummet to their deaths. Phoebe: Maybe your resolution is to not make fun of your friends, especially the ones who may soon be flying you to Europe for free on their own plane. Monica: She has a better chance of sprouting wings and flying up your nose than you do of not making fun of us. Ross: In fact, I'll bet you 50 bucks that you can't go the whole year without making fun of us. Eh, y'know what, better yet? A week. Chandler: I'll take that bet my friend. And you know what, paying me the 50 bucks could be the "new thing you do that day!" (Ross looks at him.) And it starts right now! Joey: All right, my New Year's resolution is to learn how to play the guitar. Ross: Ohh. Phoebe: Really?! How come? Joey: Well, y'know those special skills I have listed on my resume? I would love it would be great if one of those was true. Phoebe: Do you want me to teach you? I'm a great teacher. Joey: Really? Who-who have you taught? Phoebe: Well, I taught me and I love me. Joey: Yeah that'd be great! Thanks Pheebs! Rachel: Op, look! Claire forgot her glasses! And she's gonna be really needing these to keep an eye on that boyfriend, who, I hear, needs to keep his stapler in his desk drawer, if you know what I'm talking about. Monica: Hey Rach, maybe your resolution should be to umm, gossip less. Rachel: I don't gossip! (They all laugh.) Rachel: Well, maybe sometimes I find out things or I hear something and I pass that information on y'know kinda like a public service, it doesn't mean I'm a gossip. I mean, would you call Ted Kopel a gossip? Monica: Well if Ted Kopel talked about his coworkers botched boob jobs, I would. Rachel: What? They were like this! (She puts her hands over her breasts and indicates that the coworkers boob job resulted in one pointing up and one pointing down with her hands by pointing up with one hand and down with the other.) [Scene: Central Perk, Ross is talking to a beautiful woman as Chandler and Joey enter.] Woman: I'll see you tomorrow. Ross: Okay! (She leaves.) (To Chandler and Joey.) Hey! Chandler and Joey: Hey! Ross: I just asked that girl out. Chandler: Nice! Joey: Nice!! Yeah! Is that part of your resolution, your new thing for today? Ross: Yes it is. See. (Shows them the piece of paper she gave him with her name and phone number on it.) Chandler: (reading it) Elizabeth Hornswoggle? Ross: That's right, uh, Elizabeth Hornswoggle. Chandler: Horn-swoggle. Joey: You all right Chandler? Is there something funny about that name? Chandler: No. No, I just think that maybe I-I'd heard it somewhere before. (Sits down rubbing his temple.) Joey: Oh really! Where? Somewhere funny I'd bet! (Chandler is straining to keep quiet as Phoebe enters.) Ross: Hi, Pheebs! Phoebe: Hey! Ross: Oh-oh, guess what? I-I have a date with Elizabeth (Talking into Chandler's ear.) Hornswoggle. Phoebe: Hornswoggle? (To Chandler) Ooh, this must be killing you. Ross: All right, see you later. Joey: See ya! All right Pheebs, I am ready for my first lesson. Phoebe: Okay. (Joey tries to take the guitar.) Oh no-no-no, you don't touch the guitar! First you learn here, (Points to her head.) then you learn here. (Points to the guitar.) Joey: Umm, okay. Phoebe: Okay, lesson one: chords. Now, I don't know the actual names of the chords but umm, I-I-I made up names for the way my hand looks while I'm doing them. (She starts to show Joey the chords. Transcribers Note: For this one you'll have to use your imagination, 'cause it would take me 50 pages to describe each one. So if you want to see them, you'll have to wait for this episode to come to a TV near you.) (Holding up her hand and then reconfiguring her hand with each name.) So then, this is Bear Claw. Okay, umm, Turkey Leg and Old Lady. (Joey tries to imitate them.) Chandler: What an interesting approach to guitar instruction. Y'know some might find it amusing, I myself find it regular. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering with Rachel.] Phoebe: Hey everybody, Rachel was so good today. She didn't gossip at all. Rachel: I didn't! Even when I found out...umm, all right, well let's just say I found something out something about someone and let's just say she's gonna keep it. (Goes into her room.) Joey: Hey, Pheebs! Check-check this out. (Holds up his hand in one of Phoebe's chords.) Phoebe: Ooh, you nailed the Old Lady! (They both laugh at what she said.) Joey: Yeah listen so, I thought I was getting better, so on my way home today I stopped by this guitar store and... Phoebe: Did you, did you touch any of the guitars while you were there? Did you?! Joey: No. Phoebe: Give me your hands. (He does and she smells his left hand.) Strings. Gimme it! (He gives her his right hand and she smells it as well.) Pick. Do you want to learn to play guitar? Joey: Yes! Phoebe: Then don't touch one!! Ross: (entering, with Ben) Hi! Ben: Hi! Monica: Hi Ben! Ben: Auntie Monica!! (He runs to hug her.) Chandler: (notices something) Ross is wearing leather pants! Does nobody else see that Ross is wearing leather pants? (Pause, no one speaks.) Someone comment on the pants! Rachel: I think they're very nice. Monica: I like 'em. Joey: Yeah! (Chandler bangs the table in frustration.) Monica: I like them a lot. Chandler: That's not what I had in mind! See, people like Ross don't generally wear these types of pants. You see, they're very tight. (Motions to Ross's buttock.) Maybe there's something in that area. (They all speak at once in general approval of his pants selection; Joey asks where he got them. I can't pick out the rest of it.) Ross: Oh see, I-I needed a new thing for today and there's this leather store that always smells so good and I thought to myself, "Wow, (To Chandler) I never really owned a good smelling pair of pants before." (No one says anything.) Chandler: Oh come on!! (Storms out.) Ross: (after he's left) Okay, seriously, what do you think? Joey: You look like a freak. Rachel: Awful, absolutely awful. (Plus other negative comments from Phoebe and Monica.) (Monica starts taking pictures of Ross and Ben, with the flash.) Ross: What are you, what are you doing? Monica: It's my New Year's resolution! Ross: What, to blind my child? Monica: No! To take more pictures of all of us together. I mean I really think it's the best resolution because everyone will enjoy the pictures. Joey: Well, everyone will enjoy my music as well. (Does a chord and Monica starts taking pictures of him and Phoebe. They both start to strike a pose with the excessive amount of pictures that Monica takes.) [Scene: Elizabeth Hornswoggle's apartment; Ross is there on his date with her. They are sitting on the couch watching a movie. Ross is obviously hot.] Ross: (talking to himself) My God! These pants are burning up! (He's still wearing the leather pants.) (She snuggles closer.) Oh come on, she wants to snuggle now! What is she trying to kill me? It's like a volcano in here! (Out loud.) Are you hot? Elizabeth Hornswoggle: No. Ross: Okay, it must just be me then. (He shifts on the couch and a ripping sound emanates from his lower regions, the sound reminds one of a brief explosion of gas. In other words, it sounds like he farted. She has a look of horrific wonderment, wondering "Did he just fart?") Ross: That was just the pants on the couch. Umm, hey, do you, do you mind if I use your bathroom? Elizabeth: No, go ahead. Ross: Thanks. (Gets up and as he does so, the sound returns. Without another word he heads into her bathroom.) [Cut to Elizabeth Hornswoggle's bathroom, Ross frantically pulls his shirt out and drops his pants. He exhales in sheer ecstasy as the coolness of the bathroom envelops his legs. He sits on the cast iron bathtub, again gasping in pleasure. He next grabs a magazine and starts to blow air on his exposed legs, but that doesn't work the way he wants it to. So he throws the magazine down, looks around for another idea, and finds one. He jumps up and hops to the sink. He turns on the water and starts to splash some on his legs, cooling them further.] Ross: (in ecstasy) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......... Elizabeth: (yelling from outside) Hey, my favorite part is coming up! Ross: 'Kay! (He goes to pull up his pants, but can't seem to get them past his knees. He frantically tries to pull them up to no avail. Panic sets in.) Ross: Oh my God! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is drilling Joey on the chords as Monica looks on.] Phoebe: Tiger! (Joey moves his hand in an attempt to do the chord, in fact he does it with each name.) Dragon! Iceberg!! (He fails.) Joseph, did you even study at all last night? Joey: Yes! Yes, I did. Phoebe: Then do Iceberg! Joey: (thinks) (quietly) G-sharp. Phoebe: G-sharp? Have you been studying the real names of the chords? (Joey doesn't answer.) Have you? (He looks away in shame.) Oh my God! Joey: What?! I didn't touch a guitar! Phoebe: No, but you're questioning my method! Joey: No, I'm not questioning it, I'm saying it's stupid! (Notices Monica standing between them and smiling.) What?! (The camera clicks, taking another picture.) Monica: Thank you. (Leaves.) Phoebe: Y'know none of my other student thought I was stupid. Joey: Your other student, was you! Phoebe: Yeah, well, y'know maybe you just need to try a little harder! Joey: (looking in the Yellow Pages) Look, maybe I need to try a real teacher! Right here! Here! Andy Cooper, he teaches guitar and look ooh, there's a nice picture of him with a little kid and THE KID'S GOT A GUITAR!!!!!! (Storms out.) Phoebe: Fine! You go learn from your qualified instructor! But don't come crying to me when everyone's sick and tired of hearing you play Bad, Bad Leroy Brown!! Rachel: (entering, singing) "Baddest man in the whole damn town." Phoebe: Oh, fine! Take his side! (Storms out.) (Rachel looks shocked, gets over it, notices she's alone, and picks up the phone. The last part of which is something she shouldn't have done, because the phone is already in use. By Monica, and now Rachel can hear every word.) Monica: (on phone) I can't wait to be with you! I'll sneak over as soon as Ross picks up Ben. I'll just tell Rachel I'm gonna be doing laundry for a couple of hours. Chandler: (on phone) Laundry. Huh. Is that my new nickname? (Rachel is absolutely stunned, she opens her mouth in absolute amazement.) Monica: (on phone) Awww, y'know what your nickname is, Mr. Big... Rachel: Arghh!! (She quickly hangs up the phone and starts to pace around wondering what to do.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Chandler, Joey, and Ross's, The phone rings and Joey answers it.] Joey: (answering phone) Hello? Ross: (calling from Elizabeth's bathroom) Joey, it's Ross! I need some help! Joey: Uhh, Chandler's not here. Ross: Well, you can help me! Joey: Okay. Ross: Listen, I'm in Elizabeth's bathroom... Joey: Nice! Ross: No, I-I got really hot in my leather pants so I took them off but they must have shrunk from the-the sweat or-or-or my legs expanded from the heat. Look, I-I can't put them back on. I can't! Joey: Oh. That is quite a situation. Uh, do you see any like, powder? Ross: Powder! Yeah! Yeah, I have powder! (Grabs some of her shelf.) Joey: Good-good, okay, sprinkle some of that on your legs, it'll absorb some of the moisture and then you can get your pants back up. Ross: Yeah, okay, hold on! (He puts the phone down and proceeds to spread a large amount of powder on his legs and makes another attempt at pulling up his pants. It doesn't work, and without picking up the phone leans down to it.) (Almost in tears.) They're not coming on man. Joey: Umm, do you see any-oh, Vaseline? Ross: Ohh, I-I see lotion, I have lotion! Will that work? Joey: Yeah, sure, spread some of that on there. Ross: Hold on. (Ross proceeds to apply copious amounts of the lotion on his legs. He literally starts spraying the back of his legs with the lotion, and as he applies some to his butt he makes a happy face like he enjoyed that sensation. After using about half the bottle he again tries to pull up his pants, but at the first sign of resistance, his hand slips off of the pants and hits him in the forehead.) Joey: Ross? You okay? Ross: They're still, they're still not coming on man and the lotion and the powder have made a paste! Joey: Really?! Uhh, what color is it? Ross: What difference does that make?! Joey: Well, I'm just-if the paste matches the pants, you can make yourself a pair of paste pants and she won't know the difference! Rachel: (entering) Joey, do you have a minute? Ross: Dude, what am I gonna... Joey: (To Ross) Uh, Rachel's here, so good luck man, let me know how it works out. (He hangs up the phone and strands Ross in the bathroom.) Rachel: Oh, Joey, I have such a problem! Joey: Oh well, you're timing couldn't be better. I am putting out fires all over the place. Rachel: Okay. Okay. Okay. Joey, I have got to tell you something! Joey: What-what is it, what is it? Rachel: Oh my God, it's so huge, but you just have to promise me that you cannot tell anyone. Joey: Oh no, no-no-no-no! I don't want to know! Rachel: Yes! Yes! Yes, you do want to know! This is unbelievable! Joey: I don't care, Rach! Look, I am tired of being the guy who knows all the secrets but can't tell anyone! Rachel: What? What secrets? You know secrets? What are they? Joey: And you're not supposed to be gossiping!! Rachel: I know, I know! I just can't keep this one in, so I pick up the phone... (Joey in a childish attempt to not hear what Rachel is about to say, puts his fingers in his ears and starts to scream loudly. Rachel turns and walks out upon seeing that Joey's not gonna listen, and as she exits Chandler walks in and sees Joey in his current state.) Joey: I'm not listening to you! (Chandler seeing that Joey has his eyes closed sneaks over and picks up the chicken. The chicken starts flapping it's wings in protest as Chandler holds the chicken inches from Joey's face. Joey stops yelling and upon opening his eyes sees the chicken, screams, and falls to the ground in horror.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Elizabeth's apartment; Elizabeth is inquiring as to the delay in Ross's exit from her bathroom.] Elizabeth: Ross, umm, you've been in there for a long time. I'm starting to get kinda freaked out. Ross: All right, I'm coming out. Hey, can you turn the lights off. Elizabeth: No, let's just leave the lights on. (Ross opens the door and steps into the living room. He has fully removed his pants and holds them wrapped into a ball in front of his crotch. His legs are covered in the powder and lotion paste. He looks terrible.) Elizabeth: Oh my God! Ross: I had a problem. [Scene: Central Perk, Joey is there to apologize to Phoebe.] Joey: Hey, Pheebs? Phoebe: No, I can't talk to you! I don't have a fancy ad in the Yellow Pages! Joey: Look, Pheebs, I just, I wanna apologize for, for saying that your method was stupid and-and maybe ask you to be my teacher again. And-and I promise, I won't touch a guitar until you say I'm ready. (After a short pause she hands him her guitar.) You really think I'm ready? Phoebe: Uh-huh! Joey: Wow! Cool! (He takes the guitar, stands up, and goes to play a note. However, while strumming it, he knocks it out of his hands and it bounces off the table and lands on the floor. Phoebe just stares at the guitar.) Joey: (sitting back down) Was the chord at least right... Phoebe: No! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is returning from his horrible trek back home without pants on. The whole gang is there.] Chandler: Oh my God! Monica: We heard about your pants, I'm so sorry. Ross: This year was supposed to be great! But, it's only the second day and I'm a loser with stupid leather pants that don't even fit! All: No. No, you're not a loser. Ross: Look at me! (Chandler squeaks in an attempt not to make fun of him.) Monica: Hey, hey, look. Look Ross, Ben drew a picture of you! (Shows him Ben's picture.) Huh? You're-you're a cowboy! Ross: Oh, be-because of the leather pants. Monica: See? Ben doesn't think you're a loser, he thinks you're a cowboy! Now that's something. (All at once.) Phoebe: Yeah! Rachel: That really is something; that's really cool. Joey: Howdy partner! Ross: Maybe I should get another pair! Ooh, y'know, they-they had some with fringe all down the sides. (Chandler starts rubbing his temple again.) I'm gonna go kiss Ben goodnight. (He starts to head for Monica's bedroom.) I can't believe he thinks I'm a cowboy. (Pause.) I would make a good cowboy. (He struts into Monica's room.) Monica: Okay, now that everything's wrapped up here, I think I'm, I'm gonna go do my laundry. Chandler: Oh yeah, me too. Y'know if this shirt is dirty. (Smells it.) Yep. (They both exit.) Phoebe: Okay, I'm gonna go too. I'm gonna go to the airport. I figure if I hang around there long enough, someone's bound to leave one of those planes unattended. Rachel: Good luck, honey! Phoebe: Bye! (She exits, leaving Rachel and Joey alone.) Rachel: Hey, uh, Joey? Joey: Umm? Rachel: Remember that big thing I was gonna tell you about? Joey: Oh, no! (Starts that screaming thing again. Rachel stops him by pulling his fingers out of his ears.) Rachel: I'm not gonna tell you, but if you found out on your own, that would be okay and then we could talk about it. Right? Joey: Well, then it wouldn't be a secret. So yeah, that would be okay. Yeah. Yeah! Rachel: (quietly) Yeah. Well. (Pause.) Hey uh Joe, would mind going over to Chandler's bedroom and get that book back that he borrowed from me? Joey: Now? You want me to go over there now? Rachel: Yeah! Joey: Do you know something? Rachel: Do you know something? Joey: I might know something. Rachel: I might know something too. Joey: What's the thing you know? Rachel: Oh no, I can't tell you until you tell me what you know. Joey: I can't tell you what I know. Rachel: Well then I can't tell you what I know. Joey: Okay, fine. (Silence ensues.) Joey: You don't know! Rachel: All right, how about I go over there and I will walk into Chandler's bedroom and I will see that thing that I think that I know is actually the thing that I think that I know! (Note: Kudos to Ms. Aniston on the delivery of that line. She said it very quickly and didn't screw up a word. Try it yourself, it ain't that easy.) Joey: (gasps) YOU KNOW!!!! Rachel: AND YOU KNOW!!! Joey: Yeah, I know!!!! Rachel: Chandler and Monica?!! Oh, this is unbelievable!! How long have you known? Joey: Too long! Oh my God, Rach, I've been dying to talk to someone about this for so long! Listen, listen, we can't say anything about this to anybody, they're so weird about that! Listen... (Phoebe returns and interrupts them.) Joey and Rachel: Hey! Phoebe: Hey! It's raining. I don't want to fly in the rain. So... (Pause.) Joey: Oh, I am going to go for a walk in the rain. Rachel: Ohhh, yeah, me too. (They both exit.) Phoebe: That's weird. (Pause.) I bet they're doing it. Ending Credits [Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe, Ross, and Monica are there.] Chandler: (entering) Oh good, okay, I can't take it anymore. I can't take it anymore. So you win, okay? Here! (Hands him the 50 bucks he's about to owe him.) Pheebs? Flying a jet? Better make it a spaceship so that you can get back to your home planet! And Ross, phone call for you today, Tom Jones, he wants his pants back! And Hornswoggle? What are you dating a character from Fraggile Rock?! (He sits down and sighs in relief.)	Plan: A: New Year resolutions; Q: What do the gang make for the new year? A: Rachel; Q: Who promises to stop gossiping? A: Monica; Q: Who tries to be less fastidious? A: a commercial aircraft; Q: What does Phoebe want to pilot? A: Joey; Q: Who wants to learn the guitar? A: jokes; Q: What does Chandler want to stop making? A: Phoebe's attempt; Q: What attempt to teach Joey the guitar ends badly? A: a problems; Q: What does Ross encounter when he wears a new pair of leather pants on a first date? A: a shock; Q: What does Rachel receive when she overhears a conversation between Monica and Chandler? A: the phone; Q: What does Rachel pick up and overhear Monica and Chandler talking on? Summary: The gang make New Year resolutions: Rachel promises to stop gossiping; Monica tries to be less fastidious (which ultimately fails); Phoebe wants to pilot a commercial aircraft; Joey wants to learn the guitar; Chandler must stop making jokes; and Ross wants to try something new each day. Phoebe's attempt to teach Joey the guitar ends badly. Ross encounters a problems when he wears a new pair of leather pants on a first date. Rachel receives a shock when she picks up the phone and overhears a conversation between Monica and Chandler.
[Outside School] (Peyton is walking and sees Brooke approaching her) PEYTON: Brooke (Brooke looks at her and walks passesd. Jake starts walking with Peyton) JAKE: Peyton PEYTON: Hey JAKE: What's the latest? PEYTON: Boy dates girl, girl doesn't know what she wants, boy starts dating girl's best friend, girl ruins everything. JAKE: Dark, anything I can do? PEYTON: No, story pretty much ends there. You look like hell. JAKE: Thanks. Only have been working on about two hours of sleep. I don't know what it was, but Jenny, just would not stop crying last night. PEYTON: You try the key thing? JAKE: Yeah, yeah I tried that, but as soon as I'd stop she'd start up again. PEYTON: Try a shot of whisky? Always works for me. (Peyton and Jake share a laugh) JAKE: So hey, listen. My cousin's getting married downtown this weekend. Is there any chance that you could watch Jenny for a few hours? You'd really be helping me out. PEYTON: What's the pay? JAKE: An entire night away from all this drama that you got going on. PEYTON: Okay. You got yourself a sitter. JAKE: Yeah? (Peyton nods) Thank you. [Beach House] DAN: So, what's your mother got planned for you two this weekend? NATHAN: As little as possible I hope. DAN: Sit. Eat. NATHAN: Dad, I can't, I gotta go. I haven't made it to school on time once since I moved out here. DAN: Well you will now. (Holds up car keys and tosses them to Nathan.) [Their Driveway] (Nathan and Dan standing in front of a new Mustang) DAN: Five speed mustang, fully loaded, and she's all yours. (Nathan puts his bag down and walks to the door) I know this divorce has been hard on you, Nate. Just wanted to thank you for sticking by the old man. What's the matter? You're not supposed to look the gift horse in the mouth you know. NATHAN: It's not a gift, Dad. This is a bribe. DAN: A bribe. Wow. Not exactly the thank you I was expecting. NATHAN: Okay, thanks for the car, Dad. Now I can get away from you whenever I want. (He gets in and speeds away) [Outside School] HALEY: Hey. (Catches up with Peyton) Lucas told me about Brooke. I was afraid something like this might happen. PEYTON: Ten points for Haley. HALEY: How's she doing? PEYTON: Who knows. I don't think she'll ever speak to me again. I know I wouldn't. (Nathan drives around the corner honking. The girls see the Dan Scott Motors license plate and try to see who's driving. Nathan gets out) PEYTON: What'd you do? Knock over you dad's dealership? (Nathan gives her a sarcastic smile) Okay, none of my business. I'll see ya. HALEY: Okay. What is this? NATHAN: Dad gave it to me. His way of showing me who's in control. HALEY: Ew, give it back. NATHAN: No. If I'm going to live like this I'm going to take everything I can get. HALEY: Okay. NATHAN: So what'd you do last night? HALEY: I was up all night bidding on ebay for those Sheryl Crow tickets. NATHAN: Oh yeah. The show's tomorrow. HALEY: Yeah. NATHAN: Any luck? HALEY: No, but there's three more auctions tonight. NATHAN: I got DSL. Do you want to come over? HALEY: Oh yeah! [Weight Room] (Lucas is lifting with his good arm. Skills comes in) SKILLS: You sure you should be pushing yourself so hard, man? I thought you were supposed to be at physical therapy. LUCAS: Look all they let me do is stretch right now. You know I figured, I get back in here, I build up some muscle, be back in shape twice as fast. SKILLS: Or risk messing yourself up for good. LUCAS: Who's side are you on anyway? Huh? SKILLS: I'm on your side, man. Look, all I'm saying is, dawg, what are you rushing back to? LUCAS: Look I worked hard to be a part of this team, Skills. We're undefeated. And I'm not giving up my spot now. TIM: Hey gimp. Coach wants to see you at practice, pronto. LUCAS: Why? TIM: What am I a psychic? [Gym Hall] (Brooke passes him in the hall giving him a bad look) LUCAS: Brooke, I'm sorry. BROOKE: Yeah, sorry you got caught. LUCAS: We didn't mean to hurt you. BROOKE: You did not just say that to me. LUCAS: Look we didn't plan any of this. It just happened. BROOKE: Go to hell. [GYM] (The boys are practicing. Tim misses a shot) WHITEY: Tim, if you can't knock down that shot I'll find somebody who can. Now listen up, all of you. As long as we're a man short, you're gonna have to work double time to take up the slack. (The cheerleaders are practicing. Peyton looks at Brooke and gets a dirty look in return.) Alright, let's play. LUCAS: You wanted to see me, Coach? WHITEY: Yeah. How's that shoulder healing up? LUCAS: I'm working on it. It should be fine. WHITEY: Quit working on it. LUCAS: Coach I know what I'm doing. WHITEY: So do I. You're pushing yourself too hard. From now on I want you court side and out of the weight room. LUCAS: I'm useless here. What's the point? WHITEY: The point is I'm still your coach. And I'm going to need you at playoffs. Lay off the weights. (To the team) Let's go! (Lucas walks past him towards the doors) Let's get moving! (Dan is coming into the gym as Lucas is leaving) DAN: Didn't expect to see you back in the gym so soon. LUCAS: I'll bet. DAN: (Holding the door open) Here. LUCAS: No, I can get my own door. DAN: Fine. You're welcome. LUCAS: I'm welcome? DAN: Yeah, for the whole rescue thing. Don't sweat it. LUCAS: If you think I owe you a thank you, you gotta be kidding me. DAN: Oh what'd I do now? Save your life wrong? LUCAS: What you did doesn't change who you are. Doesn't make you a good guy. DAN: You're right. I pulled you from that car so I could make your life a living hell. It was all a big plan so you could live to watch my son take his team to the state championships. Is that it? Is that what you want to hear? (Nathan makes a lay up) Nice shot, Nate. That a boy. (Lucas storms out of the gym with everyone watching) WHITEY: Alright let's get back to business. Let's go. (Peyton looks back at Brooke and gets another bad look) [Outside the gym] DAN: Nathan. NATHAN: For once I'm with Lucas, Dad. I've got nothing to say to you. DAN: You forgot you bag this morning. You nearly drove over it in your brand new Mustang. NATHAN: I got clothes at home. DAN: What's a guy got to do around here to get a little gratitude. NATHAN: You don't want gratitude, Dad. That car's an investment. You're just looking for a return. DAN: You don't want the car? Just say the word. (Nathan sighs) Yeah, that's what I thought. What do I have to do to prove to you, you made the right choice when you picked me? NATHAN: It wasn't a choice, Dad. It was a lack of one. [Outside School] (Brooke walking out of practice. Peyton following) PEYTON: Brooke! Sooner or later you're going to have to talk to me. BROOKE: Why don't I just smile at you, you know, Peyton style, pretend everything's okay and lie to your face. PEYTON: If I could go back to the way things were then I would. BROOKE: Back to when my best friend was cheating with my boyfriend and I was too stupid to realize it? PEYTON: You're not stupid! BROOKE: Did you sleep with him? PEYTON: No! No I didn't. Okay? We stopped before it got that far. God, Brooke, I am sorry okay? We were going to tell you and then the accident happened and you liked him so much and I just... BROOKE: Thought you'd spare me the heartache? PEYTON: Yeah. BROOKE: Yeah well that worked out real well, didn't it? PEYTON: Brooke! BROOKE: Are you in love with him? (Peyton looks like she's thinking about it) Hmm? You know what, I don't even care. He's all yours now, have a great life together. [Scott Body Shop] (Dan pulls up outside) DAN: Hey. I heard a rumor this place was for sale. Some financial crisis? Don't tell me you're trying to make good on a certain nephew's medical expenses. KEITH: I don't have time for your jabs today, Danny. DAN: Tell you what. I'll buy the place. KEITH: Yeah right. DAN: No, I'm serious. I'll pay you market value for the property. You could pay off your debts with the profits. Meanwhile you could reopen the service center and run the place at a fair salary. KEITH: You want me to work for you? DAN: Nope, no, no, you'll still be your own boss I'll just be the guy behind the curtain. And once this place returns to profitability, I'll even let you buy it back. KEITH: You must really think I'm an idiot. DAN: Don't be so paranoid, Keith. You did a good thing. I'd hate to see you go down for it. KEITH: Since when? DAN: Maybe I turned over a new leaf. Regardless, you should think about this. Besides, I don't see anyone breaking down the door with other offers. [Deb's House] (Nathan is getting out of the car) DEB: Hey NATHAN: Hey DEB: Welcome home. I missed you. NATHAN: I've only been gone a week, Mom. DEB: I'm sorry for the way things ended last time, Nate. NATHAN: Whatever. DEB: Nice car. Dan give it to you? NATHAN: Yeah. So? DEB: I just never considered him as bribing you. You know it's a little hard to compete on that level. NATHAN: I didn't want this, Mom. I gave you a chance to come clean with me, but you didn't want to do that. DEB: Nathan, you have to believe me. I'm only trying to protect you. NATHAN: From what? What could be worse than this, Mom? Fine, you know what? You want to keep your secrets. I guess we all lose. [Karen's Café] (Lucas, Karen, and Haley are sitting having dinner) KAREN: I can't remember the last time the three of us did this. HALEY: Yes it's just like old times. Minus one spleen. (Lucas doesn't look amused) Oh come on it's a joke. Tragedy plus time. Haha. Alright, too soon. (Lucas starts to reach for something with his right arm but it hurts him) KAREN: Do you ever do it at physical therapy? LUCAS: Physical Therapy's a waste of time. KAREN: Alright, let's try something else. How was school? LUCAS: Well let's see. Brooke hates me, and Peyton won't talk to me. HALEY: See it is like old times. LUCAS: Oh you know what else? I saw Dan. He told me the reason he pulled me out of the wreckage, was just so that you know, he could watch me suffer. KAREN: Lucas, I'm sure that's not true. LUCAS: Mom, don't defend him. KAREN: I'm not saying that Dan hasn't don't some terrible things, but he did save your life. LUCAS: Whatever that's worth. HALEY: Oh snap out of it already. Come on. LUCAS: You know what? You're right. It's time. Time for a change. (He gets up) KAREN: Where are you going? LUCAS: Out! (Throws the door open and walks outside) HALEY: Luke! LUCAS: Don't wait up. [In the Bar] LUCAS: Give me a beer. BARTENDER: Can I see your ID? (Lucas hands him the fake ID Brooke made him) Bottle or draft? LUCAS: Draft's fine. (He takes off his splint) What do I owe you? BARTENDER: She got it. (Lucas looks over to a girl at the end of the bar and walks over to her) GIRL: Nice eye contact. You got a name? LUCAS: I'm Lucas GIRL: You mean your name is Lucas. LUCAS: Yeah that's what I said. GIRL: No, you said you are Lucas, like you're the only one out there. I've got news for you. It ain't about you and it ain't about me. LUCAS: Okay. Thanks for the beer. (starts to walk away) GIRL: Do you believe in magic, Lucas? LUCAS: No, not really. GIRL: That's a shame. Sit down. Let me show you a trick. I'll bet you, I can get this drink back in this glass, without touching the plate. (She pours her drink on a plate, and puts the lime in the middle and sticks a match in it) LUCAS: What's the bet? GIRL: To be decided. (she lights the match and puts the glass over it and the drink is sucked into it) See? Magic. LUCAS: Not bad. GIRL: Yeah I'm full of tricks. LUCAS: Really? What's your name? GIRL: Buy me a drink. Maybe I'll tell you. [Peyton's Room] (She's drawing a picture of Lucas, Brooke and herself shooting guns at the heart with a 3 in it. She unhooks her web cam. "Lucas' Cell" Calls her phone) PEYTON: You okay? KAREN: Oh um, actually it's Karen. Lucas' mom. PEYTON: Oh, hi. KAREN: I'm trying to track Lucas down. Obviously he's not answering his cell phone and I tried the number he had for Brooke but she's not answering either. Do you think maybe they're together. PEYTON: I don't really know. KAREN: I don't mean to sound like a dramatic mother but he did just get out of the hospital. PEYTON: No, yeah, um, I'll talk to her. See if she knows where he is. KAREN: Thank you, Peyton. PEYTON: Bye. [SCENE_BREAK] [Brooke's Room] (She's eating Chinese food on her bed watching TV) BROOKE: (Watching a woman on TV Crying) Oh God pull it together. (She changes the channel to Texas Chainsaw Massacre) Better. (Peyton knocks on her door) PEYTON: Hey BROOKE: What are you doing here? PEYTON: You're not answering your phone. BROOKE: And apparently you're not getting the message. I don't want to talk to you. I can't believe you actually came over here. PEYTON: Lucas' mom called. She can't find him. BROOKE: Not my problem. PEYTON: Okay fine. But if you can figure out where he might be, at least call his mom. See ya. BROOKE: Wait. [Bar] GIRL: So. What's your girlfriend's name? Got one right? LUCAS: Not anymore. I had two. GIRL: Wow. You ever. What are they like? LUCAS: One's all about fun. The other I kind of had this huge emotional connection to. But I screwed both those up. GIRL: So you got a broken heart. What? You're in here pouting. Boohoo. You know what the Easter bunny and true love have in common? Doesn't matter. Cause they don't exist. LUCAS: Sounds like you've been there. GIRL: We all have our tangles. So you want to get out of here? LUCAS: I barely even know you. GIRL: That's kind of the point. Come on, live a little..(trying to think of his name) LUCAS: Lucas GIRL: Lucas. I'm Nikki. Let's go. [Scott Body Shop] KEITH: (On the phone) Yeah, yeah I have a copy right here. Okay perfect, I'll send it off to you. Yeah, yeah good bye. (Karen walks in) Hey. KAREN: Sorry to drop in on you like this. Has Lucas been by tonight? KEITH: Why? Is everything okay? KAREN: I'm sure it's fine. He might even be home right now. What's with the for sale sign out front? KEITH: Oh I just, you know, ran into a small skid there for a little while but everything's okay now. Selling was just a last resort. KAREN: Okay that's it, I'm just going to take a loan against the café and write you a check. KEITH: Look we already talked about it. I won't cash your check. KAREN: Keith, this is your livelihood. I'm not going to let you lose your business on account of my son's expenses. KEITH: Those are expenses he never would have had if it weren't for me. And I'm not closing the shop, I'm just restructuring a little bit. KAREN: What does that mean? KEITH: Means I needed a financial backer and I found one. KAREN: What, like a loan shark? KEITH: No, it's totally legit. Closing the deal tomorrow. KAREN: Promise me you're not about to do something stupid. KEITH: I promise. [Bar] PEYTON: What are we doing here? BROOKE: Lucas and I had our first date here. PEYTON: So what you think he came here looking for you? BROOKE: No I think he came here cause he knows they'll take the fake ID I got him. BARTENDER: What are you having ladies? PEYTON: Actually we're trying to track somebody down. He's tall, blondish, kind of a loaner. BROOKE: Cheats on his girlfriend with skinny blonde bitches. BARTENDER: Nice. BROOKE: He was wearing this. (picks up the splint the had left on the counter) On his shoulder. BARTENDER: Right. You just missed him. But he wasn't a loaner when he left, if you know what I mean. BROOKE: Hmm. You know I'm gonna have a beer. PEYTON: Make it two. BARTEDNER: You Got it. [The mall] LUACS: Okay tell me you have that key because you work here. NIKKI: No I said I used to work here. Now I just play here. (She turns on a carousel) Come on. LUCAS: You said you work here. What if we get busted. NIKKI: What if the ground opens up and swallows us. What if mars attacks. You can't worry about all the what if's in life. So. Relax and enjoy the ride. What happened to your shoulder? LUCAS: Car accident. NIKKI: Can I touch it? (Lucas takes his sweater off his arm. Nikki starts kissing his arm and hand) You know they say that you're never more alive than the moment before you die. Was it a rush? LUCAS: I don't remember. (Nikki kisses his neck) NIKKI: You have to pay attention to the important moments, Lucas. (She takes off her shirt) Sometimes, they only come around once. (She kisses him and sits him on the bench and they start making out while she takes off her bra) [Karen's Café] (Lucas and Nikki are eating alone) NIKKI: So is this your after school job, high school boy? You are in high school right? LUCAS: Well... NIKKI: It's okay. I like them young. (She grabs food off his plate) LUCAS: Are you serious? You just had a whole banana split. NIKKI: What are you, the food police? LUCAS: I'm just saying, that's not right. NIKKI: See that's your problem. Everything for you breaks down to right and wrong. You ever think maybe it's all gray? LUCAS: Not really. There's right and there's wrong. There's good and bad. NIKKI: Okay, give me something's that bad and I'll tell you how it might be good. LUCAS: Okay. A busload of kids crashes. NIKKI: The kids go to heaven. There's less pollution from the bus. LUCAS: Okay. Alright, alright. What's the worst thing that's ever happened to you? NIKKI: Forget it. I'm not the one in need of the attitude adjustment. LUCAS: I'll be the judge of that. Come on. Tell me your darkest secret. NIKKI: You have any tabasco in this place? LUCAS: Yeah. Hold on. (He goes to the back) How about red peppers? Oh never mind, got it. (he comes out and Nikki's gone) Nikki? Nikki? [Bar] BROOKE: You know it's funny. I look around at all these great looking guys and all I want to do is smash their pretty little faces. (Peyton laughs) Don't even ask what I'm thinking when I look at you. You know, with Lucas I can understand what happened. Especially given what he's probably up to tonight. He's a guy right? Guy's screw you over. But you and I were best friends and I thought that was supposed to mean something. PEYTON: It does. God, Brooke, you will never know how sorry I am for making you question that. There was never a point to this whole thing that you weren't my best friend. BROOKE: Really?! Well thank you for nothing. PEYTON: Okay, you know what? Hard to leave the glow of your love, but I gotta go. I'm babysitting for Jake in the morning. BROOKE: Playing house with Jake Jaglieski. Don't waste any time do you? PEYTON: It's a favor. Brooke are we ever going to get past this? BROOKE: I don't know, Peyton. And right now, I don't really care. (Peyton leaves. Some guy sits next to Brooke and she laughs) No. [Lucas' Room] (He comes in late. His mom is at the door and turns on the light) LUCAS: I know. I know I'm late. You don't deserve that. KAREN: You're damn right I don't. LUCAS: I'm sorry. KAREN: You know you've been saying that a lot lately. What happened tonight, Lucas? LUCAS: It's just. I've been screwing up a lot, Mom. I thought I could join the team and deal with it all. You know, basketball and the rest of it. But ever since I left the river court, I've been a mess. I fought with you and Keith, and Haley. And I drove away two girls that I really cared about. KAREN: Look, Luke. Being a teenager is hard. Honestly, it's all hard. But you have a lot of good things going for you. LUCAS: I know I do. And you're one of them. I think part of being a man, is owning up to your mistakes. So I promise you, I'm going to do better. KAREN: Oh I know you will. Well for a plan B that worked out pretty well. (gets up to leave) LUCAS: What was plan A? KAREN: I was going to kick you in the @#%$ and ground you for life. LUCAS: Well I prefer plan B. KAREN: Good night. LUCAS: Night. [Beach House] KEITH: Hey DAN: What'd you get lost? KEITH: I took a little drive, needed to clear my head. DAN: And? KEITH: I'm here aren't I? DAN: I knew you'd do the right thing for yourself in the end. KEITH: Well believe me, if I saw any other way out I'd take it. DAN: Why are you so quick to think the worst of me, Keith? KEITH: Well because I've known you my whole life, Dan. Feel free to prove me wrong. DAN: Well my lawyers have looked over the contracts, everything's as we discussed. All it needs is your signature. [Karen's Café] KAREN: Did I ever tell you what a wonderful job you've done? DEB: I think you've thanked me a million times. KAREN: Actually it's more than thanks. I've been thinking, we should partner up. Business has never been better. DEB: Oh I'm flattered, Karen, but I can't. In the past, when things got bad with Dan, I would use work as an excuse to get away from him. Nathan was always the one to suffer for it. I don't want that to happen again. I just hope it's not too late. Dan is already poisoning him against me. KAREN: If Dan is telling lies about you just make sure Nathan knows the facts. DEB: What if what Dan's telling him isn't a lie? KAREN: Whatever it is, Nathan doesn't know your side. You got to talk to him, Deb. (Haley comes in) HALEY: Life is so unfair. KAREN: You didn't get the Sheryl Crow tickets? HALEY: No we got sniped. KAREN: I'm sorry. DEB: Haley do you where Nathan is? HALEY: Um I think he's still at your house. DEB: I'm gonna...(She leaves) HALEY: How's Lucas? KAREN: I think he's going to be fine. [Lucas' House] SKILLS: Hey yo. LUCAS: Yo. SKILLS: What's up, dawg? How's that shoulder feeling, man? Up for a game? LUCAS: It's gonna be a while before I'm back on the court, Skills. SKILLS: Look man, I brought you a little something. (Pulls out a basketball) Might help you get back a little quicker. Remember signing this? 4th grade. Man we promised each other those signatures would be worth millions one day. Remember that? LUCAS: Yep. SKILLS: It's your turn to hold on to it. Help keep you focused on that prize. LUCAS: Thanks, man. SKILLS: Do what you got to do. Just remember, you always got us. Alright? LUCAS: Alright. [Outside Jake's House] PEYTON: Hey JAKE: Hey PEYTON: Nice Suit. What, they got you parking cars? JAKE: You're funny. (Jenny cries a little) Shh, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay. PEYTON: Hey! Come here, hey Jenny. Hey remember me? JAKE: Peyton PEYTON: Hey. How are you? I missed you. JAKE: So I'm sorry you couldn't meet my parents, they took off for the wedding separately. My dad, he likes to get an early start. PEYTON: Yeah my dad's the total opposite. He's totally like 3 minutes before the flight kind of guy. JAKE: Okay so look, I wrote everything down. When she eats, when she sleeps, what toys she likes. And I put all my numbers down. My cell, my pager. I've got my moms, my dads, my cousin who's getting married, I put his number down. If you need anything at all I'm just going to be less than an hour away so just call anybody... PEYTON: Jake, we're going to be cool. JAKE: Okay. I guess I'm a little nervous. I've never left her alone with anybody but my parents before. PEYTON: And you picked me? JAKE: Well I... PEYTON: I'm just kidding. I'm kidding with you, it's okay. Go, have fun at the wedding. JAKE: Okay, okay. Alright, I'll be back in a few hours, okay Angel? You be good. PEYTON: Take your time. JAKE: Alright, thanks Peyton. PEYTON: Bye. Hey. [Whitey's Porch] WHITEY: Well if it's not Mr. Scott. What do I owe this pleasure? LUCAS: I came to apologize, Coach. WHITEY: Sit down. LUCAS: I've been kind of screwing up. I shouldn't have walked out on practice the other day. WHITEY: You're right. But, you've got a lot on your plate. LUCAS: I've been thinking about my position on the team. WHITEY: That spot's yours. It will be there when you're ready. LUCAS: Yeah I know but. WHITEY: If we lose a game or two along the way then so be it. LUCAS: I appreciate that. But we both know you need another shooter. If that means that you've got to fill my spot, then I'm asking you to give someone else a chance. Look the guys are undefeated. That's important to me. It's important to them. WHITEY: Apology accepted. LUCAS: Thanks, Coach. WHITYE: Take care of yourself. [Nathan's Room] (He's playing a video game. Deb comes in) DEB: Nate. Can we talk for a minute? I don't want to keep secrets from you, Nathan, so I'm telling you this because I love you and because I think you deserve the truth. (Nathan turns off the tv and turns around to listen) A while ago, your father and I were having serious trouble. And, I met someone else. I left you father to be with this man. NATHAN: When? DEB: A few years back. You were at basketball camp for the summer. NATHAN: When I came back Dad told me you were gone on a business trip. DEB: Please understand I was confused and I was selfish. As soon as I realized I might risk losing you forever I called it all off and came back. But Nathan I have never forgiven myself. (Nathan starts packing a bag.) You don't know how hard it's been for me to live with this guilt. NATHAN: Hard for you? Dad was a nightmare that summer, Mom. You know that. And all those nights I called you to tell you how he was you didn't come home because you were with some guy. Don't you see what you did? You gave me to him, Mom. You knew exactly how he was and you made me dad's property. DEB: Oh I never thought that... NATHAN: Everything he's turned me into. All of this. This is your fault. DEB: That's why I came home. For you. NATHAN: No, you didn't come home for me, Mom. You came home because your fling ended. Just forget it. I don't want to be a part of this family anymore. DAB: (crying) Nathan. (He takes his bag and walks out) [Karen's Café] NATHAN: So now I know. I don't ever remember feeling like this, Haley. I mean, yeah with my dad, but she abandoned me. HALEY: I'm sorry. NATHAN: I can't go back there. And I can't live with my dad either. I'm screwed. HALEY: Maybe not. There might be an answer. [Scott Body Shop] (A Dan Scott Motors sign has been put over Keith's board outside. A man is on the ladder taking down the sale sign) KEITH: What in the hell are you doing? MATT: Oh you must be Keith. Name's Matt Perry. (Puts his hand out to shake but Keith doesn't take it) KEITH: Yeah. MATT: I guess I'm your new boss. KEITH: Like hell you are. (Walking inside to Dan) Hey. You want to tell me what in the hell is going on here? Dan Scott Service Annex? What are you out of your mind? DAN: Well Dan Scott is a brand name. We wanted to attract the right kind of customer. KEITH: There's a guy out there telling me he's my boss. DAN: Well Matt runs my service department so technically you do fall under his jurisdiction. KEITH: Yeah well technically you can kiss my @#%$. DAN: Come on. What did you expect? A hand out? This was a legitimate business deal. KEITH: Yeah? Well I want out. DAN: Well things don't work that way, Keith. You walk away now, this shop is mine. [Jake's House] (Jenny is crying and Peyton gets her keys to make her stop) PEYTON: Oh no, no. Hey, hey. Remember these? Okay. Yeah. (Jenny takes them and stops crying, then tries to put them in her mouth.) Okay, no you don't want to put those in your mouth because these are gross. (She takes them and Jenny cries again) Shh. Oh no. (Peyton looks at the keys thinking. Next a mobile is above the crib with the keys hanging down and Jenny isn't crying) Who're you going to be, little girl? (Jake comes in the door) Shh. JAKE: Hey. Look at this. PEYTON: I got copies. How was the wedding? JAKE: Oh it was good. I mean it's a wedding, you know? My parents were having a good time (making a drinking motion) so they decided to stay downtown. PEYTON: Alright, then I'll clear out and you can relax while it's still quiet. JAKE: Well hey, I could order pizza, pop in a movie. It's the least I could do. PEYTON: Okay. No chick flicks. JAKE: No chick flicks. [Nathan's House] (Nathan comes in and hands Deb a folder) DEB: What is this? NATHAN: I'm petitioning for emancipation from you and dad. DEB: What? NATHAN: I talked to a lawyer. Says I have case. I'll be living by myself. How does it feel to be abandoned, Mom? [Brooke's House] (Lucas knocks on the door and Brooke answers) LUCAS: I know you don't have any reason to listen to me. BROOKE: You're right I don't. (She starts to close the door but he stop it) LUCAS: Brooke. I'm not asking for forgiveness. I just want you to know how sorry I am for what I did. BROOKE: How sorry you are? Do you know that the entire time that we were dating I actually felt inferior to you? What a joke. You are just like every other guy on the planet. You're a liar and a cheater. LUCAS: You're right. I lied to you. And there's no excuse for that. BROOKE: Whatever. Why don't you tell it to the girl you hooked up with last night. (She throws his splint at him) As far as excuses, you don't owe me any. I'm not your girlfriend. And from here on out, I'm not even your friend. (She shuts the door in his face) [Karen's Café] (Nathan is at the counter and Haley is cleaning. Someone walks in.) HALEY: Sorry we're...(She turns around and it's Sheryl Crow) SHERYL: I was hoping to get a cup of coffee. HALEY: Open! We are so open. Cup of cup, uh cup cup of coffee, yeah. We can, uh, we can do that for you. Sheryl Crow. I'm a huge fan. You have no idea how much it killed me to miss your concert tonight. We, we waited on line and everything and then the stupid ebay snipers just... NATHAN: Haley. Let it go. HALEY: Right. SHERYL: Thanks. How much do I owe you? HALEY: One song per cup. (Sheryl looks at the guy with her; They start playing and Nathan and Haley are sitting at a table in front of them) I would have given you all of my heart But there's someone who's torn it apart HALEY: You know the sad thing is, nobody's going to believe us when we tell them. NATHAN: I can solve that problem. (He gets up and takes a picture on his phone of Haley smiling in front of them.) And he's taken just all that I had But if you want I'll try to love again Baby, I'll try to love again but I know [Beach House] (Deb walks in with the folder) DAN: What is it? What's the matter? DEB: He's leaving us, Dan. And I don't blame him. Baby I know the first cut is the deepest But when it comes to being lucky he's cursed When it comes to loving me he's worse [Brooke lying on her bed] [Lucas sitting at his computer looking at Peyton's website that says "Web cam offline. Server not responding"] I still want you by my side Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried And I'm sure going to give you a try And if you want I'll try to love again (tryyy) Baby, I'll try to love again but I know [Peyton reading something at her desk] Baby I know the first cut is the deepest But when it comes to being lucky he's cursed When it comes to loving me he's worst [Jake's House] (He's cleaning up the plates and sees a picture of Jenny that Peyton drew. He smiles and looks at Jenny sleeping. Someone rings his doorbell and he answers) The first cut is the deepest baby I know The first cut is the deepest try to love again... NIKKI: Hi, Jake. JAKE: Nikki. NIKKI: So, how's my daughter?	Plan: A: the divorce; Q: What event forces Nathan to decide which parent to live with? A: Dan; Q: Who threatens to reveal Deb's darkest secrets in court if Nathan doesn't choose him? A: Lucas; Q: Who meets a beautiful stranger in a bar? A: his shoulder; Q: What part of Lucas is he trying to drink away his frustrations with? A: Grammy Award-winner Sheryl Crow; Q: Who performs the song "The First Cut Is The Deepest"? A: The First Cut Is The Deepest; Q: What song does Sheryl Crow perform in the episode? A: Karen's Cafe; Q: Where does Sheryl Crow perform? A: Cat Stevens; Q: Who wrote the song "The First Cut Is The Deepest"? Summary: Nathan must decide which parent to live with after the divorce, but Dan decides to force his hand by threatening to reveal Deb's darkest secrets in court unless Nathan chooses him. Meanwhile, Lucas meets a beautiful stranger in a bar, while trying to drink his frustrations with his shoulder away. Grammy Award-winner Sheryl Crow appears as herself and performs the song "The First Cut Is The Deepest" in Karen's Cafe. This episode is named after a song by Cat Stevens .
[Scene: Warehouse. Piper and Chris are waiting there.] Chris: She's supposed to be here by now. Piper: So, she's a little late. Chris: No, she's a lot late. Paige used to be the first one to a vanquish. What's wrong with her? Piper: She's in love, that's hardly wrong. Chris: It is when it interferes with her responsibilities as a Charmed One. Piper: Why don't you just let me handle this one alone. Chris: Because you've handled the last four vanquishes alone. I swear, you should've never let them move out. Piper: Hey, you don't see me complaining, I'm happy for them. And you should be too. So where is this demon and what's its name? Chris: No one knows its name. And it's too strong for one witch to handle alone. (The warehouse door opens and Darryl pokes his head in.) Darryl: How much longer is this gonna take? Piper: (to Chris) Go see what Phoebe's doing. (Chris orbs out.) Darryl: Where'd he go? Piper: Hong Kong. Darryl: Hong Kong? This is the last time I work ground control for you guys. (Darryl closes the door. Chris orbs in with Phoebe. Phoebe is wearing a kimono.) Piper: Hi! Wow. (They hug.) Phoebe: Oh, how's Wyatt? I miss him so much. Piper: He misses you too. Is this a bad time? Phoebe: No, this is a great time. Jason's away at a conference, I was just practising my origami. This is a tiger, you can have that. (Phoebe hands Piper an origami tiger.) I'm sorry I didn't visit. Piper: No, no, don't be silly. You've obviously been really busy folding. I'm sorry I have to ask for your help, but... Phoebe: No, it's okay. I mean, if you don't enter the tiger's cave, you may never get the cub, right? Piper: Come again? Phoebe: Ancient Chinese proverb. Means nothing ventured, nothing gained, you know? Chris: Can we get the show on the road here? Phoebe: Sure. (to Piper) Keep that. [Cut to outside. Darryl is talking to impatient workmen.] Darryl: Look, when the safety hazard's clear you can go to work. Just be patient. Work Man: Yeah, easy for you to say. I've got four mouths to feed. Workmen: Yeah! [Cut to inside.] Phoebe: Okay, what do you want me to do? Chris: You're the bait. All you've gotta do is levitate into the air and when this demon senses your magic, it's gonna come fast and hard. Phoebe: Okay. Be careful of my origami, that tiger took two frickin hours. Chris: Okay, let's do it. (Phoebe levitates into the air and something charges for her underground. A large, green blob flies out from underground and tries to swallow Phoebe. Piper screams and blows the blob up.) [Cut to outside. The men hear the explosion. The door opens and Piper walks out covered in green goo.] Piper: All clear! Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper and Phoebe are there cleaning to goo off of themselves. There's pile of clothes near the sink.] Phoebe: Maybe you should just take me out back and hose me down. (Paige orbs in.) Paige: Oh my god, I'm so sorry I'm late, did I miss the vanquish? Piper: Ask her. Phoebe: Hi! Hi! Hi! Paige: Hey! (They hug.) Oh my god, Phoebe, how are you? Phoebe: Great. Paige: How's Jason? Phoebe: He's great. How's Richard. Paige: Fabulous. He was taking his sweet time getting out of the house this morning, that's why I couldn't orb. Phoebe: Wait, you don't orb with him in the house? Piper: She's asked Richard to not to use his magic. Paige: Yes, so I'm trying to be supportive and, you know, not use my magic in front of him. Phoebe: Wow, a magic-free life. You're the last witch in the world I'd expect that from. Paige: It's not magic-free, it's just magic light. Piper: Yeah, it's still a lot to give up. Paige: What I get from him is kind of more than makes up for it I think. Phoebe: Eww. Paige: How's Hong Kong? Phoebe: Fascinating. I'm studying numerology and the Chinese zodiac. But you know, distant waters doesn't quench the immediate thirst. Paige: Huh? Piper: Ancient Chinese proverb. Phoebe: Just means that I miss my family. Piper: Well, that's good because your family misses you too. I mean, I don't have a lot of people to hang out with aside from my baby who doesn't really say much and then one really neurotic Whitelighter. Phoebe: Yeah, how is my little buddy, Chris. Last time I saw him he wasn't in such good shape. Piper: He's trying his best to hide it, but he's still really shaken up. Phoebe: Well, he lost his fiancé, you know, I don't blame him, it's huge. Paige: Yeah, and there's something in the future that's really freaking him out. Piper: Yeah, he's more determined than ever to protect Wyatt from evil which means there's a new demon hunt everyday. Phoebe: I feel like such a bad sister, leaving you guys alone to handle all this. Piper: No, no, we're fine. Wyatt and I actually enjoy having the manor to ourselves. Paige: Really? Piper: Yeah, I-I mean, we have room to spread out and life is very quiet and calm and best of all, everything stays clean. (Little blobs of green goo crawls off the pile of clothes. Piper picks up the clothes and heads for the laundry.) Phoebe: Well, if we're gonna hang out, I better go change my clothes. I think I left some here. Paige: I'll go with you. [Cut to the laundry. Piper puts the clothes in the washing machine. As she grabs the detergent, the green goo crawls out of the washing machine and into the vent.] [Cut to the hallway. Phoebe and Paige are walking towards Phoebe's bedroom.] Phoebe: Well, being born under the year of the ox is a good thing, it means you're a natural born leader. (The walk into Phoebe's room and see all her furniture has been replaced with gym equipment.) What happened to my room? Paige: Holy. I guess when Piper said she was gonna spread out, she wasn't kidding. Phoebe: But where's all my stuff? I mean, I have stuff, you know, lots and lots of stuff. Paige: Well, being an ox, I can take charge of this. You can borrow something from my room until we straighten this out. [Cut to Paige's room. Paige's furniture has been replaced with Wyatt's furniture. Leo, Chris and Wyatt are there. Phoebe and Paige walk in.] Phoebe: Oh, hi, baby. (Phoebe rushes over to Wyatt.) Paige: This one too? Phoebe: Yeah, you move, you lose it in this family. Chris: You could lose a lot more than a bedroom when this is over. Phoebe: Hi, Chris, I'm fine thank you, and you? Leo: It's his job to offer his opinion. Chris: You know the only reason why she's even here is Paige missed a vanquish. Leo: Another one? Chris: Yeah, that makes, what? Five in a row now? Paige: You guys are such nags. Phoebe: When did you two become so chummy? (A piece of green goo crawls out of the vent in the floor and crawls onto Chris's shoe.) Leo: We're not chummy, it's just he's gone through a lot protecting Wyatt and I figured instead of doubting him I should help him a little. (Piper walks in.) Piper: So what do you guys think? Do you like Wyatt's new room? Paige: I like it. I just like my room too. Phoebe: And I like it, I just like my room too. Piper: Well, you guys were the ones that moved out, not me. Phoebe: So where are my clothes? [Time lapse. Attic. Piper, Phoebe and Paige are there. Phoebe and Paige are pulling clothes out of boxes.] Paige: God, it's really kind of hitting home. Piper: What's that? Paige: Well, that I don't live here anymore. Phoebe: I know what you mean. Paige: Richard's just doesn't feel like home yet, you know? I don't know, I guess I just had more fun here. Piper: Yeah. 'Cause this place is a riot. Paige: No, I just, I don't know, I guess I'm more free here. Free to be me. (Piper looks in a box.) Piper: Oh, wow, Phoebe. (Piper pulls out red knee-high boots.) These are some boots. Phoebe: No, they're not mine, but I wish they were 'cause they're hot. Paige: The box says 'Penny'. Penny as in Grams Penny? Phoebe: No way. I refuse to believe that Grams ever wore anything this hot. Piper: Yeah, I figured her more for steel toed orthopaedics, you know, the better to kick your ass with. Phoebe: They're your size, Paige, try them on. Paige: (groans) I don't know. Phoebe: Oh, come on, just do it. (Paige takes off her shoes.) Paige: They're kind of sixties. Phoebe: So what's wrong with the sixties? Paige: The sixties was like the worst fashion era. Hello! (Paige puts on the boots.) Bad clothing, bad hair, and extremely questionable personal hygiene. Hey, they fit! (Paige suddenly disappears in a puff of smoke.) Phoebe: Right. Where'd she go? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Bedroom. A woman is there with bright coloured lights surrounding her. Paige appears.] Paige: Um, pardon me. Woman: Hold on, I'm adjusting my aura. You know how those blocked shockers can get. (The light disappears.) There. (She faces Paige and sees the red boots.) You brought my go-go boots. Right on. Paige: Actually, they brought me. Woman: That's because I cast a return to owner spell on all my favourite stuff. I'm always taking my clothes off and forgetting them somewhere these days. Paige: Excuse me, who are you? Woman: Penny. Paige: Penny. As in Penny Halliwell, Penny? Penny: Yeah, who are you? Paige: I'm Paige, I'm your grea-- I'm your grandest fan. I've heard so much about you. Penny: Far out. Paige: Far out. (Paige sees the date on a wall calendar - January 1967.) You have no idea how far out. (A woman stands at the doorway.) Woman: The Whitelighters are putting on a light show. Penny: Come on, Paige. You don't wanna miss this. [Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper, Phoebe, Leo and Chris are there.] Chris: What do you mean you lost Paige? Phoebe: Well, it was really weird. I mean, one second she was here and the next second... poof. Piper: It kind of happened after she put on a pair of Grams' boots. Leo: Grams used to cast a spell on her clothes when she was younger. Phoebe: Wait, you knew Grams when she was young? Leo: Yeah, we crossed paths once or twice when I was a young Whitelighter. Piper: Eww. Leo: Well, I barely remember it. Piper: Huh. Phoebe: Eww. Piper: Huh-huh. Chris: Well, if the boots did belong to your grandmother, then we better summon her from the dead. Maybe she can tell us what happened to Paige. Phoebe: Okay, let's get the candles. Piper: But you... (Phoebe pulls Piper away.) [Scene: 1967. Manor. Paige, Penny and the woman are standing on the stairs. In the living room, there are about a dozen people in sixties outfits sittng on the floor. Some Whitelighters are standing in the middle making shapes in the air with orbing lights.] Penny: Outta sight. Woman: I'm Robyn, by the way. So what do you think? (Paige looks closer at one of the Whitelighters.) Paige: Oh my god, is that Leo? (Leo is wearing sixties clothes and has long hair.) Penny: You know him? Paige: I thought I did. (The light show ends and everyone claps.) What are all these people doing here? Robyn: Oh, they're not just people. They're witches, with a few Whitelighters thrown in. Paige: I don't suppose any of them know how to open a time portal, do they? Penny: Anything's possible when you free your minds. That's why we're gathering here tonight for a magical bein'. Paige: Oh, like a human bein'. When Timothy Leary said tune in, turn on, drop out. Penny: No, there's no asset allowed in the manor, Paige. We're all on a contact time. Paige: I'm not on drugs. Just having a bad trip. Robyn: How do you know what's gonna happen at the human bein'? It's tomorrow at Golden Gate Park. Paige: I just kind of know things. Like I know I wanna go home. Robyn: Do you have an active power? Paige: Yeah, I can orb. Penny: Groovy. Hey, everyone, we have a witch here who can orb. Leo: Right on. (Leo moves closer to Paige.) Lay some orbs on us, sister. Paige: Fine. If it'll help me get out of here. Uh, big fat tape thingy. (Nothing happens.) Oh, my powers must be down. Must be the past... past few minutes. This patchouli oil. It's really making me light headed. Leo: Performance anxiety. (Leo puts his arm around Paige.) Listen, if you want some private coaching, there's an empty room upstairs if you dig. Paige: Ahh, no, I don't dig. (Leo walks away.) Penny: You okay, honey? Paige: Yeah. I don't know how I'm gonna get home without my magic. (They walk into another room where a man is playing the guitar and people are sitting around listening.) Wow, I've never seen so many witches just hanging out. Penny: Wait till the magical being. This house was built on a spiritual nexus. We're gonna tap into its power tonight and ride the magic wave. Paige: Are you sure you're Penny Halliwell? (Suddenly the whole room freezes, except Robyn, and a warlock blinks in.) Warlock: Everything on schedule for tonight? Robyn: They're lining up like lambs to the slaughter. Warlock: It's gonna be a massacre. Robyn: I wish we could take them out now. I can't stand these peace lovers. Warlock: Just keep it together a little while longer, we want this place packed. And I see a few new arrivals since my last visit. (He looks at Paige.) This one's dressed a little strange, don't you think? Where's she from? Robyn: I don't know. She just got here. Warlock: Well, keep an eye on her. The attack takes place on schedule tonight. And if you need anything, I'll be close by. (He blinks out. The room unfreezes.) Penny: So what do you say, Paige? Join us tonight? Paige: You know, as much as I consider myself a free spirit, I really can't, I need to go home. If there's any way you can help me write a spell so I can find my way... (A car horn beeps outside.) Penny: Ooh! Allen's back! [Cut to outside. A brightly painted van is parked on the street. Allen gets out of the car and runs up the stairs. Paige, Penny and Robyn run outside.] Penny: Hi! Allen: Hey! (Allen picks Penny up and spins her around. They kiss.) Penny: Where's Patty? Allen: I dropped her off at my sister's, she's gonna crash there tonight. Paige: Patty, like, mum Patty? I mean, your mum. Allen: Janice? Paige: Excuse me? Allen: I just came back from my sister's pad, and for a second I thought I was looking at her again. Penny: Paige, this is my old man, Allen. He's not a witch, but he's cool with it. Paige: Allen, your first husband. Penny: My first and only. I'm not that into free love. Allen: Listen up, I passed this groovy drum circle on the way here. Who wants to check it out? Penny: Count me in. Paige: I think I'm gonna do some light reading. Is your Book of Shadows in the attic? Allen: I swear, it's like you could be my sister. Paige: Or your granddaughter... if you had a granddaughter, that is. Which you won't. (whispers) Unless I get home. Robyn: You can't leave now. We need as many witches as possible tonight. Penny: She's right, Paige. Come with us. Who wants a ride on the rainbow bus? (Everyone gets in the van and drives away.) [Scene: 2004. Manor. Attic. Piper, Phoebe, Leo and Chris are there. Phoebe lights some candles.] Piper: You know, if I hadn't taken over Paige's room, this never would've happened. This is all my fault. Leo, Chris: What's done is done. Phoebe: Okay, you two really need to get a room. Piper: Yeah. Phoebe: "Here these words, here my cry, spirit from the other side, come to me, I summon thee, cross now the great divide." (The green goo on Chris's foot multiplies and covers his whole shoe. Grams appears in a swirl of lights.) Grams: Well, it's about time you called to say hello. (She hugs Piper and Phoebe.) Oh, my darlings. Piper: Ah, we got a problem. (Grams looks at Chris.) Grams: Well, you're not the only one. (The green goo rises up both of Chris's legs.) Leo: Orb out. Chris: No, magic makes it grow. Summoning her spirit already gave it power. Grams: Oh, you must be Chris, the new Whitelighter. (The green goo covers his body.) You know, he doesn't look very qualified for the job. Piper: Chris, just let me blast it. Phoebe: She's right. Orb. Grams: Oh, for heaven sakes, listen to them. We'll find a way to vanquish the foul thing later. (Chris orbs out.) Leo: Now. (Piper blows up the goo and it scatters into a million pieces. Chris orbs back in. The goo disappears into the floorboards.) Phoebe: Ah, oh. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Living room. Piper, Phoebe and Grams are there.] Grams: And Paige moved out? When? Phoebe: Uh, a few weeks ago. But we're handling everything. Grams: Dear, you have Paige stuck in the past and a demonic blob roaming the manor. Exactly how are you handling things? Piper: We're still in an adjustment period. Grams: There would be no adjustment period if you were living under one roof. Why in heaven's name did you move out? Phoebe: To be with Jason. You said it yourself, never give up on love, remember? Grams: I didn't say give up on your sisters. (to Piper) And you! You're the oldest, how can you let them move out? Piper: You know, it really wasn't that hard because they deserve a shot at a normal life. Grams: They're not normal, Piper, and neither are you. When are you going to learn that? Piper: Well, I guess never. Grams: All this over men. How many times have I told you? Men are utensils. You use them, wash them, and throw them in a drawer until you need them again. (Leo and Chris walk in.) Leo: Shh. Everyone quiet. (They listen to the house making strange noises. Chris puts his ear up to the wall.) Chris: I can hear it. I think it's in the wall. (The wall cracks.) Leo: Yep, it's in the wall. Chris: Okay, we're gonna need Paige. It took the power of three to vanquish this thing in the future. Piper: What? If you knew that, why didn't you tell me that in the first place? Chris: Because I could barely get two of you together, let alone three. Besides, this thing's not that big right now and I thought two could handle it. Grams: Leo, you take point. Chris here is much too green to guide my girls. Chris: What? You know what? You can just stop that right... Grams: Ah-ah! Quiet. It's time to give this floundering ship a rudder. Now, which boots did Paige put on? Piper: Red go-go boots. Grams: We've got a problem. Those boots took Paige back to the summer of love, which was one of the most crucial times of my life. Phoebe: What do you mean crucial? Grams: Your grandfather, Allen, rest his soul, was a sweet man, but he lead me straight down the hippy-dippy trail. Phoebe: You were a flower child? Grams: Yeah, well, don't rub it in. What's important is that Allen was killed by my best friend. I didn't know it then, but she was evil. And I walked in right after it happened. Piper: What'd you do? Grams: Well, let's just say that my peacenik days ended fast, along with that bitch Robyn. If she hadn't killed Allen... Leo: You'd still be a flower child. Grams: And the Charmed Ones would be dead. I know I'm a ball buster. But it kept me alive to protect my girls from all the demons that came after them as kids. I cast my return to owner spell on a lot of clothes that summer, so... Phoebe: So we get to go back there? We get to meet our grandfather? Grams: Don't make too much out of it because whatever you do, you can't change the past or tell anyone you're from the future. Phoebe: Well, why does he get to? Chris: Because I know what I'm doing. Grams: Not from where I'm standing. I'll stay here with Leo and the newbie to contain the slime, until you can bring Paige back to vanquish it, okay? Okay, go, get dressed. You are going to the summer of love. [Scene: 1967. Park. All the witches are sitting around on the grass. Some a playing drums and Allen is standing in the middle reciting a poem.] Allen: Hear the drums, liquid beats, crashing down upon parched shores, hounding like the feet of ten thousand soldiers, whispering whys. Why! (Paige stands up.) Paige: Right on! (Everyone claps.) Sorry, I just got a little carried away. Allen: Don't be sorry, that was gone. Paige: Gone. That's right, that's exactly what I should be, gone. Because I'm actually starting to dig th... like this. It's kind of cool, everybody being so free. Voice: Robyn, come here! (Robyn walks away.) Penny: You are exactly what we're all about, Paige. You wanna hear my dream? I dream of a crusade to rid the world of evil. Not through fighting or the inner anger that makes us want to fight, but through the magic power of love. Paige: Are you sure you're Penny Halliwell? How long have you felt this way? Penny: Ever since I met Allen. Paige: Must be so great to share this together. Allen: Your old man's not into magic? Paige: He's not so old but, uh, nah, not so into it either. (Suddenly, Piper and Phoebe appear beside them, wearing sixties clothes.) Piper: Hey, groovy girl. We've been looking for you. Penny: Welcome. I'm Penny. Any friends of Paige's are friends of ours. But you shouldn't use magic so openly. Phoebe: (whispers) That's Grams. Allen: I'm Allen. Peace and love. Phoebe: Oh, yes, love. Lots and lots of love. I have so much love for you, man, you have no idea. Penny: You here for the happening at the manor tonight? Piper: No, we were just looking for our friend Paige, actually. Excuse us. (They move away.) Paige: I'm so glad you guys found me. Piper: We need to get out of here. (Police car sirens are heard and a couple pull up.) Allen: It's the pigs. (The police get out of their cars.) Officer: (through a megaphone) Okay, everybody, let's break it up. Let's go, everybody out. Move it! Guy: This is a park, man. You can't control god's green earth. Officer: It's a tax payers green dollars that pay for this park, and you're loitering. So move it. Everybody: Hell no, we won't go! Hell no, we won't go! Hell no, we won't go! Penny: "They have no right, they have no power, turn their hate sticks into flowers." (The cops' batons turn into a bunch of flowers.) Robyn: Let's jam. If the cops catch us we'll miss tonight. Phoebe: Piper, freeze them. Piper: I can't. (The cops handcuff Piper and Phoebe.) Penny: Paige, come on. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Jail Cell. An officer locks Piper and Phoebe in it.] Piper: If what's happening tonight at the manor is what I think it is, this might be the night that grandpa dies. Phoebe: Let's just hope that Paige tries to get us out of here first because I don't wanna be raised by that flower child loose on the park. We'd never make it to puberty. (Darryl's father, Luther is in the next cell. He looks exactly like Darryl but with an afro.) Luther: You don't own me! You think you own me! But the man will never own Luther Morris. Guard: I said keep it down! (Phoebe taps Piper.) Piper: Nooo. Luther: What are you two looking at? [Scene: Manor. Paige, Allen and Robyn are there.] Paige: Please, there's gotta be a way to get my friends out of jail. Allen: Stay cool, Paige. We've all been hassled by the pigs. It's a right of passage. They'll let your friends go... after a night in jail. (Penny walks down the stairs holding a bag of crystals.) Penny: Okay, everybody, time to prepare for the party. Take a crystal, bless it and hide it outside the manor. We wanna form a perimeter. Robyn: What are those? Paige: Uh, those are pyrite crystals. They resonate a harmonic tone when exposed to evil. Kind of like a demonic alarm system. Penny: How did you know? Paige: I was taught by the best. Robyn: I thought our gathering tonight was a peaceful one. Penny: I wanna give peace a chance as much as anyone, Robyn, but I'm not dumb. Do you know how many covens are coming tonight? We'll be sitting ducks. Robyn: Right. (Robyn walks away.) Paige: I would really love it if my friends could come tonight. If there's anything that we can do to help them. Allen: I tell you what, I got a friend who's an A.C.L.U lawyer. I'll call them. Right after we set the crystals. Paige: Thank you. [Scene: 2004. Manor. Wyatt's room. Leo, Wyatt, Chris and Grams are there.] Grams: The way I see it, we're all targets for the slime. We need a plan to control it until the girls get back. Chris: In the future, everyone tried to control the demon with no name. But it can't be done. Grams: That's hardly a winning attitude, young man. And why in heaven's name couldn't the people in the future find some name for that thing? Leo: Speaking of the future, what's so awful that happens to Wyatt? Chris: You know I can't tell you that. Leo: Come on, I'm an Elder. Grams: Excuse me, back on point. Uh, the slime? I'm taking suggestions. (Wyatt, standing in his crib, reaches for his bottle sitting on a table next to him.) Leo: We could orb it to an ice drift. Leo: Nah, that's bad. Grams: It's not bad, it's awful. You can't orb that thing, it feeds on magic. Chris: So what's your great idea? Grams: Are you giving me lip? Chris: No. (Wyatt orbs his bottle and the slime demon shoots out of the wall.) No! (Leo grabs Wyatt and they all run downstairs. Pieces of the roof falls in.) Leo: Hold on. I think it's stopped. Chris: Get Wyatt out of the house. If it tries to follow, I'll fire off an orb or two to distract it. (to Grams) You okay with that? Grams: Yeah, it's just what I had in mind. Chris: Good. (Leo carries Wyatt towards the front door. Green slime oozes up into the windows, blocking off the doorway.) [Scene: 1967. Jail Cell.] Phoebe: Any sign of Paige? Piper: Nope. We're not gonna reach her before Grandpa's attacked. (Phoebe looks at the guard.) Phoebe: Should we try a spell? Piper: Why not? Let's try a spell. Luther: Leave it to the man to lock the brother up with the crazies. Piper: Shush. (Piper looks at the guard.) "Come to me and be seduced, I have a girl to introduce, fall for her you can't resist her, trust me mister, she's my sister." Phoebe: Why me? Piper: 'Cause he's not my type. Phoebe: Oh. (to guard) Hi. (The guard moves towards the cell.) Guard: Hi. Phoebe: You know what I think is really hot? A guy in a cage. Yeah. Why don't you come in here with me? Guard: Alright. (He opens the cell and walks in.) Phoebe: Take off your shirt. (The guard takes off his shirt.) Luther: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Luther don't wanna see this. (Phoebe throws him the guard's shirt.) Phoebe: Put this on. You're gonna lead us to freedom, Luther. Luther: Brother could get used to this. Piper: Mm, so could a brother's son. [Scene: Manor. Leo walks up to Paige.] Leo: There's my little psychedelic sunshine. Are you ready for your private session? Paige: Uh, yeah, real soon. Um, have you seen Allen? He was supposed to call his lawyer friends for me. Leo: My name is Leo, like the zodiac sign. (He takes Paige's hand.) Astrologically speaking, Leo represents the sun constantly burning and highly energetic. Paige: Okay, starshine. Could you just please point me in the direction where I might find Allen. (He points to the stairs.) Thank you. (Paige heads upstairs.) [Cut to the attic. Robyn is there.] Robyn: "And so I call upon the crone, let evil roam inside this home." (Allen walks in.) Allen: I thought you were acting strange. Robyn: Allen, are you spying on me? Allen: How could you, Robyn? What about our dream? Robyn: My only dream is helping my warlock friend put all of you weak creatures out of misery tonight. (She creates a fireball. Paige walks in.) Paige: Robyn! (Robyn throws the fireball at Paige and Paige dives out of the way.) Allen: Violence isn't the answer, Robyn. Let love replace your fear. I know you felt our love. Robyn: Yeah, and I still got the stink of it all over me. Paige: Over here! (Paige knocks off a can of marbles and Robyn slips on them. The fireball is thrown up into the air and then lands on Robyn, vanquishing her. Allen is knocked back from the blast. Piper and Phoebe walk in.) Allen! Allen: I'm alright. Paige: Uh-oh. What'd I just do? Piper: Oh, nothing much. Just changed our entire future. Phoebe: Or erased it. [Scene: 2004. Manor. Kitchen. Leo, holding Wyatt, and Chris walk in.] Leo: What'd it do? Split in half? Chris: How do we get out? Leo: I don't know. Orb? Chris: The last time I orbed, that thing almost swallowed me whole. Leo: What do you think, Penny? (Grams stands in the doorway wearing tie-dyed sixties clothes.) Grams: I think love conquers all. I think that we should take the demon into our arms and make it feel safe. (Leo and Chris look at each other.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: 2004. Manor. Kitchen. Continued from before.] Chris: Leo, could I talk to you for a second, please? Leo: (to Grams) Do you mind holding him for a second? Grams: Of course. (Leo hands Wyatt to Grams.) Come here, moonbeam. Leo: Wyatt. His name's Wyatt. (Leo and Chris move away.) Chris: One of the sisters must have changed the past because Penny clearly never meant to change from flower child to demon hunter. (Grams sings to Wyatt.) Leo: Clearly. Think the girls can fix the timeline and get back here? (The slime demon oozes up into the back door.) Chris: I don't know. But this thing is trying to back us into a corner. Take Wyatt and Joan Baez here into the conservatory. I'll get what we need to fight it off. (Leo, Grams and Wyatt leave the kitchen. Chris grabs a blender.) [Scene: 1967. Manor. Attic. Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Allen are there. Penny walks in.] Penny: Has anybody seen Robyn? We've got a lot... What happened? Paige: Robyn. She attacked. Penny: Are you hurt? Allen: No, I'm alright, alright. She said something about a warlock attacking tonight. Piper: So? That's no problem, we have a house full of witches. Phoebe: Piper's right, you could all take on the warlocks, all you've gotta do is fight. Penny: It's not who we are. We don't believe in murder. Phoebe: No, neither do we, but we do believe in vanquishing evil. Penny: I'm sorry, I don't see violence as a solution to anything. I thought you understood that, Paige. I thought you were one of us. Allen: Let's go, Penny, let's send everyone home. I don't want anyone else getting hurt. (Penny and Allen leave the room.) Phoebe: Oh, she is driving me nuts. That is not the Grams we all know. Piper: The Grams we know found her husband dead tonight. Paige: I know we're supposed to turn her into a bit of a killer or whatever, but what if this happens to be her new destiny, with Grandpa. Phoebe: If Grandpa was supposed to die tonight, death will come after him again. Piper: And the first thing we have to remember is we're not here to change anything. We just need to keep Grams alive and unfortunately we don't have our powers to do that. (Phoebe opens the thin Book of Shadows.) Phoebe: Well, it's a lot thinner than we're used to but I'm sure we can find something in here to help us make a potion. (to Paige) Will you help me? Paige: Yeah. Piper: I'll be downstairs on the warlock watch. [Scene: 2004. Manor. Dining room. Leo, Chris, Grams and Wyatt are there. There's a pile of kitchen appliances sitting on the table.] Leo: Why isn't it attacking? It's like it cornered us and now it's just waiting. Chris: I think we need the toaster oven. (Leo grabs the toaster oven.) Grams: You know, that's a disaster waiting to happen. Chris: That's the idea. You saw how the slime reacted to electricity. (Leo adds the toaster oven to the pile.) Well, if we can get it to attack this pile, maybe we can get to zap it. (Leo looks for room on the power board where all the appliances are plugged in.) Leo: If I can find a place to plug it in. Grams: No offence, you know, but my dear Allen would have taken the path of peaceful resistance. Have you tried talking to the slime? Leo: No, I haven't, and you shouldn't either. (to Chris) But if you're up to some light conversation, maybe you wanna tell me what happens to Wyatt in the future. Chris: Uh, nice try. Leo: Got it. (Leo plugs in the toaster oven and the power goes out.) Chris: Damn it! Grams: I told you, boys, violence is not the answer to anything. Chris: Where's the fuse box? Leo: It's in the basement. Find a flashlight in the laundry room. [Time lapse. Chris stands at the top of the stairs to the basement. He points the flashlight at the floor of the basement.] Chris: Leo! (He runs out of the basement and shuts the door. Leo runs in.) Leo: What is it? What is it? Chris: The slime, in the basement feeding on the Nexus. Leo: How big was it? (Leo opens the door and shines the flashlight on the floor. The slime is covering the entire floor. Leo quickly shuts the door.) Big. Chris: Yeah. Big. [Scene: 1967. Manor. Foyer. Penny and Allen are there. A woman gives Penny a hug.] Woman: We are going to make history. Penny: I know, honey. (The woman leaves. Piper is in the living room.) Piper: We need to talk. (Penny and Allen walk into the living room.) Allen: I agree. We need to talk with the warlock and find a path of peaceful resistance to resolve this situation. Piper: The first thing my Grams taught me was not to reason with demons. Penny: Your grandmother fought demons? Piper: Yeah. She was a great woman. And she knew that you can't reason or negotiate with demons. They kill, and they keep killing until a force of good stops them. Penny: If your grandmother hurt other living creatures, she doesn't sound to great to me. I'm sorry. Allen: Penny's right. You can't be a saviour and a murderer at the same time. Piper: Really? What if a demon attacked somebody you loved, like your daughter? Would you fight them? (They suddenly freeze and the warlock blinks in.) Warlock: Where are all the witches? Where in the hell are all the witches? (He waves his arm and they unfreeze.) Where are they? Piper: Well, that depends on who you're looking for. Warlock: Everybody! Allen: We sent them home. The manor's yours, we won't fight you. (The warlock hits Allen across the face and knocks him to the floor. Penny gasps.) Piper: Do something. Penny: "May peace and love, from the moon above, flow through your heart, on the wings of a dove." (The warlock freezes Piper and Penny.) Warlock: Did you just try and cast a love spell on me? I'm a warlock. What is this world coming to? (Allen gets up. The warlock creates a fireball and throws it towards Penny. Allen throws himself in front of Penny and the fireball hits him. He knocks Piper and Penny to the floor.) Penny: No. Allen! (She cries.) Warlock: Your turn to join him, sweetheart. (Phoebe and Paige walk in.) Paige: Hey. (Paige throws a potion at the warlock and it throws him across the room. Phoebe throws another but he blinks out before it can hit him.) Phoebe: I think he's gone. Paige: For now. (Piper gets up.) Piper: This isn't right. Phoebe: What do you mean? Piper: Well, Grams flew into a rage when she found Grandpa dead. It-it made her what she was. Does that look like a demon killer to you? [Scene: 2004. Manor. Kitchen. Leo, Chris, Grams and Wyatt are there. Chris is holding two wires.] Chris: If the demon comes at us, I'll try and hold it off with this. (Grams opens the basement door and walks in.) Grams: Don't be afraid of us. We won't hurt you. Leo: Penny, get back! (The slime demon grabs Grams and sucks her in.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: 1967. Manor. Conservatory. Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Penny are there. Penny is making a potion.] Phoebe: How are you so calm right now? It's okay for you to be angry, that warlock killed your husband. Penny: I am angry, at myself. That's why I'm mixing a binding potion. Piper: Binding your magic is not the answer. Penny: It is for me. I tried to save Allen and I failed. What good is my magic if it can't save my family? Paige: It's a lot of good. Remember your dream? You can't turn your back on it now. What would Allen think? Penny: It doesn't matter, he's dead. No one will ever compare to him. I'll probably end up hating men for the rest of my life. Piper: Well, she's got us there. Phoebe: Magic can save your family. I mean, my sisters have saved... Penny: You said these were your friends. What's going on? Who are you? Piper: Don't. Can't change history. Paige: It's a little late now, isn't it? We're your granddaughters. Phoebe: Hi, Grams. Penny: I'm your Grams. The demon hunter? Paige: Yeah, and these fancy boots, brought me from the future. Piper: And these earrings. Phoebe: And this ring. Penny: No, you're trying to trick me. Piper: No, afraid not, Grams. Look, it's payback time. You need to get your act together. We love you but if you don't start fighting now, all the people we're meant to save... (The warlock blinks in and throws a fireball at the potion.) Warlock: You didn't think I'd forgot about you? Piper: Those were our potions. (Phoebe runs up to him and he blinks out before she can kick him. He blinks back in.) [Scene: 2004. Manor. Kitchen. Chris is holding the basement door closed. Leo helps him.] Leo: Wyatt's secured in the living room. There's no sign of the demon in the rest of the house. Chris: I figured it was distracting us before so he could feed on Nexus. Leo: What about Penny? Is she...? Chris: I don't know. (The slime creeps under the door and Chris grabs two wires and zaps it. Another chunk of slime creeps under the door and he zaps it again.) I can't keep up with it, we've gotta get out. Leo: No, we have to keep fighting. It's what Penny would want us to do. [Scene: 1967. Manor. Living room. Piper and Paige is thrown onto a coffee table.] Warlock: Not quite the slaughter I expected. (Piper and Paige stand up.) But it'll have to do for a night's work. (He creates a fireball. Penny stands behind him.) Penny: Stop. (He turns around.) Warlock: What are you gonna do? Cast another love spell? (Penny points at him and he flies across the room.) Phoebe: Well, it's about time. Penny: Like you said, Piper, it's okay to fight for someone you love, right? (She waves her arm and the warlock flies across the room.) Paige: Welcome back to your destiny, Grams. (Penny sends a table sliding across the room and crashes into the warlock.) Piper: Now she's just showing off. Phoebe: Okay, the grandfather clock. (Penny sends the grandfather clock crashing down on top of the warlock.) Penny: What do I usually do at this point? Phoebe: You usually do something very final if you catch my drift. Penny: "Snuff this warlock, his days are done, but make him good for the ecosystem." (The warlock explodes into a bunch of daisies.) Piper: Now that's what you call flower power. Paige: Not exactly ruthless but a fine start. Penny: That was for Allen. So, now what? Piper: Now we gotta get home fast because we have a slimy demon of our own to deal with. Paige: How are we gonna do that? Phoebe: Grams just has to reverse the spell. Penny: Glad to know I have groovy grandkids. Just the same, I think I'm gonna work on a forgetting spell for after you go. You know, keep the cosmic order. Paige: Aww, I like this Grams, I don't wanna forget you. (Paige hugs Penny.) [Scene: 2004. Manor. Kitchen. Leo and Chris are holding the basement door closed.] Leo: Get out of here, go. Chris: Not without you. Leo: This thing's gonna swallow you whole. Chris: Most likely. (Piper, Phoebe and Paige appear.) Piper: Stand back, fellas. Paige: "Drawing on the power of three, destroy this evil entity." (The slime demon is vanquished.) Piper: Where's Wyatt? Chris: He's in the living room. Phoebe: What about Grams? Leo: She didn't make it. (The basement door opens and smoke pours out. Grams walks out, coughing.) Grams: Nonsense. You can't damage an old war horse like me. I'm already dead. Phoebe: Yay, Grams, I'm so glad you're back. (Phoebe hugs Grams. Wyatt cries in the other room. Piper leaves the kitchen.) Paige: Hey there, sun god. Leo: Hey, that was a long time ago. Let's just keep that between us, okay? Grams: Hey, I wanna thank you two for not giving up the fight. I'm really proud of you boys. You did good. [Cut to Wyatt's room. Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Wyatt are there.] Piper: Grams gone? Paige: Yes, but not before yelling at us for moving out. Phoebe: It was good to hear her yell at us for a change. Piper: So did she convince you to move back in? Paige: No, but she did give us her blessing after she was done yelling. Piper: Really? Phoebe: Well, she gave up a lot to be a witch. You know, she lost Grandpa. Paige: And her dreams. Phoebe: I don't think she wants that to happen to us. But she did make me promise that I would keep in touch more. Paige: And that I have to promise to keep using my magic. Piper: Well, I guess Grams really is a softy underneath it all. So, you guys going home? Paige: Home is a relative term, but yeah, we're heading home. Phoebe: I should get back and finish my origami dragon. Piper: Yeah, I understand. Well, you guys know you always have a home here and a room when you want it back. I mean, if you want it back. (They all hug. Phoebe and Paige orb out. Leo walks in.) Leo: Everything alright? Piper: No, it's not. I mean, I know it seems to them that I'm moving on with my life and everything's fine but it's not true. I wish they were still here. Leo: You should tell them that. Piper: No, I shouldn't. I should just go to bed. Good night. Leo: Good night. (Piper leaves the room. Leo walks over to Wyatt in his crib.) Good night, moonbeam.	Plan: A: 1967; Q: What year does Paige get transported to when she finds Grams' go-go boots? A: practice; Q: What is magic freely done in 1967? A: a way; Q: What do Piper and Phoebe try to find to keep Paige from changing their timeline? A: the past; Q: What do Piper and Phoebe discover they're the ones that cause damage in? Summary: When Paige finds an old pair of go-go boots that Grams owned, she gets transported back to 1967. Upon arriving there, Paige discovers she fits right in, since magic is practice freely and that was a dream of hers. However, Piper and Phoebe have their work cut out when they try to find a way to keep Paige from changing their timeline, only to discover they're the ones that cause damage in the past.
DEATH TO THE DALEKS BY: TERRY NATION PART ONE 5:30pm - 5:55pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: EXT. EXXILON (NIGHT) (A spaceman dressed in a blue military tunic pauses at a ledge overlooking a small pool of water. He looks round and then sets off at a run over sandy rocky dunes and through swirling mists that rise from the soil. Exhausted he quickly falls against another dune but quickly recovers himself and moves off again. He runs down a small rise and pauses to get his breath. No sooner has he done so than an arrow thuds into his side. He grunts with pain and grasps the shaft of the arrow. Swaying on his feet, he collapses down an incline next to him which falls to another pool of water. The spaceman tumbles down the incline and splashes into the pool...) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The TARDIS is in flight carrying its occupants towards their holiday on Florana. The DOCTOR swirls a large opened beach umbrella over his head as he sings happily to himself...) DOCTOR: "Oh, I do like to be beside the seaside, I do like to be beside the sea..." (Across the room, SARAH is dressed in a beach outfit and carries several items from on top of a cabinet to a beach bag on a wooden chest. She puts them down as the DOCTOR lowers the umbrella and carries on whistling his tune.) SARAH: Sunglasses, sun lotion, water wings... DOCTOR: Well, you won't need those for a start. SARAH: Oh, we're going swimming, you said. DOCTOR: You can't sink on Florana. SARAH: (Proudly.) I can sink anywhere. DOCTOR: The waters effervescent - the bubbles support you. SARAH: (Smiles.) Like swimming in a glass of ... salts. DOCTOR: Alright, but you wait until you've seen Florana. (He carries the umbrella away...) DOCTOR: I always come back from Florana feeling a hundred years younger. (...failing to spot a series of alarm lights flashing on the console.) DOCTOR: Ah, the air is like a magic potion... (However, SARAH has spotted them...) SARAH: Doctor? DOCTOR: And the beauty of it all is... SARAH: (Interrupts.) Doctor, should that red light be flashing? (The DOCTOR rests the umbrella on a wall next to an inflatable beach bed and crosses to the console. The lights in the room start to slightly dim and then flare.) DOCTOR: We seem to have got a mains power... (An explosion on the other side of the console cuts out his words and causes SARAH to scream. The lights within the room all fade to almost total darkness and the hum of power dies away.) SARAH: What is it, Doctor? What's happening? DOCTOR: I'm not sure. I'll cut in the emergency units. (He presses several buttons and both the lights and the hum of power returns. They both sigh.) DOCTOR: Well, that's a relief. If they hadn't worked, we'd have been in real trouble. (SARAH smiles but her happiness is short-lived as the lights fade once more.) SARAH: Oh...it's starting again. (There is a sudden crash of an explosion and the TARDIS lurches to one side, throwing the DOCTOR and SARAH to the floor.) SARAH: Oh! [SCENE_BREAK] 3: EXT. EXXILON. GULLY (NIGHT) (The TARDIS, rocking on its base, materialises in a dark, mist-filled gully, next to a strange still figure...) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The lights and hum in the room are once more fluctuating. SARAH, grasping onto the console for support, gets to her knees. She looks across the console but, alarmed, can see no sign of the DOCTOR. Suddenly he appears, clambering upwards on the console like SARAH.) DOCTOR: Oh, there you are. (They both get to their feet.) DOCTOR: Well, one thing's certain - we've landed. (The fluctuating hum is starting to sound like a faint cry of pain. SARAH looks across the darkened console.) SARAH: It's as if the TARDIS...was dying? DOCTOR: Sarah, the scanner - quickly. There could be enough charge to operate it. (SARAH presses the switch and the scanner lights up for a moment, showing the swirling mists outside.) SARAH: Did you see anything, Doctor? DOCTOR: Only fog. Fascinating, isn't it? SARAH: What's fascinating about Fog? DOCTOR: Well, perhaps that's what's put the TARDIS out of action. (Whatever power remains in the TARDIS to provide light and power dies down. The room is in almost total darkness.) SARAH: Oh... (SARAH, more nervous than ever, crosses to the DOCTOR for support. She watches as the glow of a hexagonal wall light dims to nothing.) SARAH: Don't...don't we have emergency storage cells or something? DOCTOR: Yes, of course. (He walks round the console and presses more switches. Power returns...and almost immediately fades away again.) SARAH: Dud battery? DOCTOR: Hardly. Listen... (There is total silence. SARAH speaks, her voice now echoing in the metallic chamber devoid of any life or energy.) SARAH: Can't hear anything. DOCTOR: Yes, exactly. Not a click, not a tick - nothing. Well the TARDIS is a living thing - thousands of instruments. Its energy sources never stop. SARAH: Well they have now. Everything's completely dead. (The DOCTOR points across the room to the wooden cabinet.) DOCTOR: Sarah, there's a torch in that cabinet. Get it for me, will you? SARAH: Oh...right. (She feels her way around the console and within the cupboard.) SARAH: Ah, here we are. DOCTOR: Good. (She switches the large torch on. It gives off a glare of light.) SARAH: (Satisfied.) Ah... (Before the DOCTOR can look over the console for the trouble, the power in the torch fades away.) SARAH: Oh! Now what? DOCTOR: Well, don't worry. I've...I've got an oil lamp in here. (He turns to the wooden chest and opens its doors.) DOCTOR: That should be alright. Yes, there it is. (He pulls open the chest and takes out the brass base and glass cover of the oil lamp. He also has some matches.) SARAH: Ah, don't tell me - you're going to rub it and produce a genie! DOCTOR: On the contrary, I'm going to light it... (He strikes a match.) DOCTOR: ...and illumine us! SARAH: (Happily.) Ah! (The DOCTOR lights the lamp.) DOCTOR: There we are. (The lamp flares but does not go out.) SARAH: Oh, hooray for old-fashioned oil! DOCTOR: (Laughs.) Well, we'll have to get it adjusted. (He adjusts to flame to a steady light.) DOCTOR: That's better. Right, now let's see where we are. SARAH: Florana, you said? (He passes her the lamp.) DOCTOR: Here, hold this for a minute, will you? Normally this door is power operated. We'll have to work it by hand. Where's that crank handle? (He looks back in the chest.) DOCTOR: There it is. SARAH: Oh... (He takes the metal crank handle over to the doors.) DOCTOR: Now bring the light over here, please. (SARAH follows him a plays the light over to the wall on the left-hand side of the doors where the DOCTOR inserts the handle into a small hole in the wall. He starts to turn it and behind the doors start to inch open.) DOCTOR: Bit more... (He continues to turn.) DOCTOR: Is that enough? SARAH: Think so. (The mists from the outside start to swirl in through the gap in the doors.) DOCTOR: Good, right, that's enough. (He starts cranking and takes the lamp from her.) DOCTOR: Oh, now, follow me. Let's take a look. (He goes first and edges through the gap. SARAH follows.) DOCTOR: Alright? SARAH: Yes. [SCENE_BREAK] 5: EXT. EXXILON. GULLY (NIGHT) (They move out of the TARDIS and into the misty gully. Strange sounds fill the night air. They look through the gloom and it isn't long before SARAH starts to shiver.) SARAH: Ooh! It's cold! DOCTOR: Well, this is no ordinary fog. SARAH: You mean this isn't the air that's like a magic potion? DOCTOR: It must be perfectly obvious to you, Sarah, that we've gone ever so slightly astray so sarcasm of that... (SARAH suddenly screams, cutting off the DOCTOR'S admonitions. He spins round to see what has caused the alarm and sees the figure near the TARDIS. He moves towards it with the lamp and reveals its true nature...) DOCTOR: Ah, it's alright - it's just rock. SARAH: A s...statue? DOCTOR: No...some sort of life form that has become petrified, I should think. SARAH: I was close to becoming petrified myself! (The DOCTOR examines the rocky soil.) DOCTOR: No, I doubt if anything has grown here for centuries. SARAH: Well, unless you're planning on raising lettuce, it doesn't seem too important. DOCTOR: Well, if the rest of the planet's like this, then life here certainly doesn't depend on photosynthesis. SARAH: What life? DOCTOR: Some power emanating from this planet has stopped the TARDIS's energy banks. Now logically, that power can hardly be of geological origin. SARAH: (Nervously.) You...you mean somebody...or something...has caused it? DOCTOR: Yes, exactly. SARAH: Right, well let's fix the TARDIS...and clear out! (She moves back towards the TARDIS but the DOCTOR hardly follows. They fail to see that there is a moving figure in the gully as a hand suddenly grasps a rock as it observes the two new arrivals.) DOCTOR: I'm sorry, I'm afraid we can't fix it. Not unless we discover the source of the power that's blocking us. SARAH: Oh, well how are we going to do that? DOCTOR: I've no idea. SARAH: (Alarmed.) You mean that we're...! (She collects herself and lowers her voice.) SARAH: ...we're trapped? Stuck here for ever? DOCTOR: Until we can discover the source of that energy loss - yes. SARAH: Well, what do you want me to do? DOCTOR: Well, I think to begin with, we must check the immediate area - don't you? SARAH: Yes, right. Ooh! Not really dressed for this climate, am I? DOCTOR: Well, for heaven's sake, girl, go and put something warm on. SARAH: Yes, right. (She heads back towards the TARDIS but stops and returns somewhat nervously.) SARAH: You won't go away, will you? (The DOCTOR shakes his head. She smiles and returns to the TARDIS. Almost immediately, the DOCTOR re-interprets his assurance and starts to wander through the gully. Behind him, two figures follow. They wear long brown cloaks which completely cover their heads and bodies, giving them the appearance of moving rock.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (SARAH rifles through the cabinet and pulls out a brown dress which she slips into over her beachwear.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7: EXT. EXXILON. ANOTHER PART OF THE GULLY (NIGHT) (Lamp held aloft, the DOCTOR moves further and further through the gully. Another figure-like statue is nearby but the DOCTOR ignores it as he bends down to examine more soil. However this statue is very much alive and the cloaked figure starts to run at the crouched traveller. The DOCTOR looks up as the attacker is almost upon him...) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (SARAH puts on a pair of boots and finishes dressing. Still cold and muttering to herself, she crosses the room and edges through the gap in the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9: EXT. EXXILON. GULLY (NIGHT) (Emerging from the TARDIS, the DOCTOR is not to be seen.) SARAH: Doctor? (She gets no reply. She looks round and starts to wander through the gully herself.) SARAH: (Nervously.) Doctor? (Standing near a rock, she calls once more...) SARAH: Doctor? (...and moves off. The "rock" moves and follows her. It is another of the cloaked figures.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: EXT. EXXILON. ANOTHER PART OF THE GULLY (NIGHT) (SARAH continues through the thick mists, quietly calling...) SARAH: Doctor? Doctor? (She looks to one side and sees that a "statue" has seemingly just frozen still. She quickly darts off and the "statue" moves and follows. SARAH runs at full pace across the rocky ground and through the mists, seemingly losing her follower. She pauses to look round and sees the abandoned oil lamp on the ground. She goes up to it and picks it up. Feeling something on the side of the lamp, she looks at her hand...) SARAH: (Alarmed.) Blood? (Repulsed, she throws the lamp down with a cry. Nearby two of the cloaked figures turn upon hearing the cry. SARAH sets off back at a run towards the TARDIS, making it back without incident.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (However, one of the cloaked figures is within the TARDIS and making an exploration of the darkened console room. It hears SARAH'S gasps of relief as she makes it back and squeezes through the gap in the doors. It melts back into the shadows. SARAH stands for a moment, half-gasping, half-sobbing. She looks across the room for any sign of life...) SARAH: Do... (Suddenly she hears footsteps rapidly approaching from outside and looks through the gap in the doors...) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: EXT. EXXILON. GULLY (NIGHT) (...where she sees the two approaching cloaked figures.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (Still gasping and sobbing, she goes back into the TARDIS and grasps the crank handle, desperately trying to turn the doors closed. The handle is still but she manages, inch by inch, to close the gap. Taking the handle with her, she examines the doors in the gloom and, seeing that they are closed, rests her head against them in relief. The figure now closed in with her in the room starts to approach from behind, coming nearer and nearer. At the last moment, SARAH turns and screams as she sees the attacker upon her. She starts to rain blows down upon the creature with the crank handle and it grunts in pain as it falls to the floor, seemingly unconscious. More distraught than ever, SARAH puts the handle back into the hole and starts to re-open the doors as the figure on the floor starts to recover, its hand twitching and moving towards her. The doors edge open as the hand moves nearer and then grabs her leg. SARAH screams again and, with all her strength, dashes the handle down upon the creature several more times. It falls once more and SARAH runs out of the TARDIS.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: EXT. EXXILON. GULLY (NIGHT) (Such is her speed as she runs away from the police box exterior, the cloaked figures barely have time to react before they start to follow.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15: EXT. EXXILON. CREVASSE (NIGHT) (The DOCTOR is led through a crevasse. His wrists are bound by a rope which is pulled by a cloaked figure who walks in front, also carrying a flaming torch. Another cloaked figure with a spear follows and completes the group. The DOCTOR suddenly stumbles and falls. The figure following prods him to get back to his feet and then pulls him up...only for the DOCTOR to elbow-jab him to the ground. The DOCTOR, his wrists still bound, then turns on the figure at the front, pulling the torch from him and using it to parry the spear used by the second figure as it recovers. The DOCTOR then uses the torch to club it back down again. The first figure has produced a primitive axe from beneath the folds of its ragged cloak and stalks the DOCTOR. He throws the torch uselessly at it and then edges backwards and falls against a sandy bank. The axe comes down but the DOCTOR rolls out of its way and throws the creature down. It gets to its feet, as does the DOCTOR. The figure brings the axe down again but, with a cry, the DOCTOR grabs the axe and uses aikido to bring the creature to the ground unconscious. The DOCTOR runs off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 16: EXT. EXXILON (NIGHT) (SARAH carefully makes her way between the rocks. She jumps into hiding behind a rock as her two pursuers move past, not seeing her. After they have gone, SARAH comes out from behind the rock and sets off again. She has not gone many paces before she is aware of a glare of light and a sound like an electronic gong. She stops and looks up, her face filled with wonder. She moves closer towards the subject of her amazement. It is a massive structure made of up many terraces and ramps which, in turn, contain small pyramid-like structures and many free-standing columns. It is pure white in colour with no obvious entrances or windows. Surmounting this stunning structure is a tall column, reaching up into the night sky which is surmounted by a light which illuminates in synchronisation to the electronic gong sound and which lights up all of the city and much of the rocks beyond. SARAH checks once more behind her and then moves through the rocky wastes towards to the structure...) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: EXT. EXXILON (Night has ended and with it the mists have died down. The DOCTOR, his wrists cut free of the rope, moves through a bleak wasteland of rock and sand. Up above him, one of the figures watches, its cloak almost totally camouflaging it against the rocks. It clambers down the rocks after the DOCTOR has gone past.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18: EXT. EXXILON. CREVASSE (The DOCTOR spots a narrow crevasse and starts to make his way through it. Above him, a spear carrying figure follows his progress. The crevasse widens out and the DOCTOR strides along but suddenly stops when he sees a taut rope on the ground on which a poor attempt has been made to cover it with sand. It is obviously some sort of trap. The DOCTOR gently fingers more of the sand away and thinks to himself. He creates a slight gap under the rope and picks up a small rock. He steps back a few paces and lobs the rock at the rope. He hears a noise and looks upwards to see a huge boulder tumbling down towards him. He runs back and shelters in a fold in the rock as the boulder crashes into the crevasse, right onto the spot where he was stood. Almost immediately, a human figure comes over the edge of the cliff above him, knife in hand towards the DOCTOR. It is a grizzled man with dark hair and a beard who wears a blue military tunic. He grabs the DOCTOR and the two men wrestle to the ground, each desperately trying to gain control of the knife. Another similar figure appears over the cliff edge. This man, clean shaven, carries a bow and arrow and yells down at his fighting companion...) RICHARD RAILTON: Galloway! (The first man looks up at the newcomer.) RICHARD RAILTON: Galloway! (The second man runs down into the crevasse where GALLOWAY has got off the DOCTOR who is getting to his feet.) RICHARD RAILTON: Fool! He's not one of them! (The second man helps the DOCTOR up as GALLOWAY looks round.) RICHARD RAILTON: Sorry, we've been a bit jumpy. We tend to attack first and ask questions aft... (GALLOWAY interrupts in a broad Scottish accent.) DAN GALLOWAY: There's something moving. (They look up. There is no one else in the immediate vicinity.) RICHARD RAILTON: Let's get back to our base. We can talk there. (The three set off. Up above them, another of the cloaked and perfectly camouflaged figures watches them go...) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: EXT. MSC BASE (Nearby, a small prefabricated metal structure has been set up at the end of a gully in the rocks. A third human patrols nervously outside it. He too wears a blue military tunic and carries a bow and arrow as his only weapon. He hears a noise and ducks into hiding behind a rock. The noise is caused by the arrival of the DOCTOR, GALLOWAY and the third man. The latter holds up his hand for them to pause as the young man on patrol rises up out of hiding with the bow and arrow aimed.) RICHARD RAILTON: It's alright, Peter. He's quite friendly. (The three move nearer to the metal structure. A dour GALLOWAY mutters to himself.) DAN GALLOWAY: We hope. RICHARD RAILTON: Keep a sharp watch, Peter. Dan heard some movement out there. PETER HAMILTON: Aye aye, sir. (The young man settles back into hiding as the other three go through a flimsy metal foil door into the structure.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. MSC BASE (Within there are two more people. An older man lies wounded on a bed. He has cuts on his face and a bandage round his head. He is barely conscious and is tended to by a young red-haired woman. They both wear tunics but the young woman's is of a lighter blue than the men's and with a different insignia. The room has a water dispenser, table and chairs and some pieces of scientific equipment of low shelves but little else. The woman goes up to the newcomers.) JILL TARRANT: (Hopefully.) Did you find Jack? RICHARD RAILTON: I'm afraid not. (He looks at the man on the bed.) RICHARD RAILTON: How is he? JILL TARRANT: He's not good. And we're down to our last pack of sulphagent tablets, Richard. (The DOCTOR looks across the room at the man on the bed.) DOCTOR: What happened to him? (The young woman looks at the DOCTOR with suspicion. She looks at GALLOWAY who nods his agreement that it is alright to answer the DOCTOR.) JILL TARRANT: The Exxilons took us by surprise, right after we landed. DAN GALLOWAY: These stone knives of theirs have got some sort of...poison on them. They're dirty wee fighters. RICHARD RAILTON: I'm sorry, perhaps we ought to introduce ourselves. I'm Captain Railton, second in command of the expedition... (He looks at the wounded older man...) RICHARD RAILTON: And this is Commander Stewart. (...and then at the young woman.) RICHARD RAILTON: And that's Jill Tarrant - our civilian geologist. JILL TARRANT: Are you from Earth? DOCTOR: In a round-about sort of way, yes. (The dour Scottish man holds out his hand.) DAN GALLOWAY: Dan Galloway. RICHARD RAILTON: Lieutenant Galloway is our weapons officer. DOCTOR: Well, it would have saved me a few bruises if we'd shaken hands the first time we'd met. Hello, how do you do? (They shake hands.) RICHARD RAILTON: The chap outside is Lieutenant Peter Hamilton. DOCTOR: Lieutenant? Are you a military expedition? RICHARD RAILTON: MSC. DOCTOR: (Puzzled.) Master of Science? RICHARD RAILTON: Marine Space Corps. DAN GALLOWAY: Now maybe you'll tell us about yourselves? Where were you heading when I jumped you? DOCTOR: Er, back to the TARDIS. That's my spaceship. I have a young companion with me - Sarah Jane Smith. I only hope she had the good sense to stay inside after I was captured. RICHARD RAILTON: Where is the ship? DOCTOR: Well, it's not far from here. DAN GALLOWAY: Oh, if the lassie stayed in your ship, she should be safe enough. DOCTOR: Yes - if. Sarah's rather headstrong. By now, I expect she's out looking for me. RICHARD RAILTON: Well, even if she is, it needn't be too dangerous as long as she's careful. The Exxilons seem to be night creatures. JILL TARRANT: We don't see much of them during the day. Just so long as she didn't go near that forbidden city of theirs. DOCTOR: What forbidden city? RICHARD RAILTON: Only their high priests can visit it. DAN GALLOWAY: Anyone else they catch near it... (GALLOWAY, knife in his hand, mimes the cutting of his throat.) DAN GALLOWAY: That's their lot. JILL TARRANT: They're sacrificed. DOCTOR: Well, what is this place? Where is it? (The three people look at each other.) RICHARD RAILTON: Pass me the visual file, will you, Jill? We've got some pictures. (JILL fetches a file of pictures while the DOCTOR and RAILTON move to the central table.) RICHARD RAILTON: Thank you. (RAILTON starts to go through the pictures of the structure that SARAH saw.) RICHARD RAILTON: It's a fantastic building. Must have been constructed thousands of years ago. JILL TARRANT: And not by a stone age tribe like the Exxilons either. RICHARD RAILTON: They treat it as a sort of shrine. If you're caught near it, it's certain death. [SCENE_BREAK] 21: EXT. CITY WALL (Blissfully unaware of the danger, SARAH has reached the foot of the forbidden city. She is amazed by its contours and structure. She moves out of the surrounding rocks and up to the base wall. Within an alcove and carved several symbols. SARAH places her hands on the main wall which glows at her touch. Surprised, she repeats the manouevre and then moves into the alcove. She reaches for the symbols which also glow at her touch.) SARAH: No doors...no windows... (Thoroughly caught up in her investigation, she doesn't see the Exxilon behind her who rushes up, its cloak raised as if to envelop her. She turns and cries out as it reaches her...) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. MSC BASE (The MSC team are having a meal which they share with the DOCTOR. JILL feeds COMMANDER STEWART as GALLOWAY and the DOCTOR sit at the table. RAILTON carries over trays for himself and the DOCTOR and sits with them.) RICHARD RAILTON: Then as soon as we got within range of Exxilon, we had total malfunction - on all instruments. We managed to touch down without damaging the ship, but we can't take off again until we find some way of restoring power. DOCTOR: Tell me, what's the purpose of your expedition? (As he tucks into the food, the DOCTOR doesn't see the humans look at each other in amazement.) JILL TARRANT: Well, to collect parrinium. DOCTOR: Parrinium? JILL TARRANT: It's a chemical. It can be found in minute quantities on Earth, but it's so rare there that it's virtually priceless. A chemical detecting satellite did a fly-past on this planet and registered that it was as common here as salt. DOCTOR: Well, forgive me, but what do you want it for? (GALLOWAY puts down his spoon in frustration at the DOCTOR'S questions.) DAN GALLOWAY: Och, man! Where have you been hiding? (The meal takes on an embarrassed tone as the DOCTOR looks round the group.) DOCTOR: Well, here and there...one place and another. Well, I am a little out of touch, I'll admit. JILL TARRANT: Well, the outer worlds are being ravaged by a disease. The colonists are dying in their thousands. Another ten million men, women and children will die unless we help them and help them quickly. Every hour we're stuck here on this planet, the death toll's mounting. DOCTOR: Parrinimum will halt this disease? JILL TARRANT: Mmm. RICHARD RAILTON: Well, it can cure and give immunity, but they need it in quantity and they need it fast. JILL TARRANT: If it's not delivered within a month, it'll be too late. (The group falls silent at the continuing failure of their mission.) DOCTOR: (Quietly.) I see. (His meal finished, the DOCTOR takes his tray away.) RICHARD RAILTON: We managed to get a message off before we had total power failure - to Earth. We asked them for a relief ship. DOCTOR: Well do you happen to know if that message was received? DAN GALLOWAY: Oh, if it had been I think we'd have had help by now. DOCTOR: Yeah. I think we can safely assume that no help is coming. So, might I make a suggestion...? (Before he can state this, PETER HAMILTON runs into the base, shouting with joy...) PETER HAMILTON: The relief ship is here! Come on, quickly! (He runs out and his amazed team and the DOCTOR follow.) RICHARD RAILTON: The relief ship? DAN GALLOWAY: The relief ship's here? (STEWART is left behind.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23: EXT. MSC BASE (The five run out of the base and look up into the sky.) RICHARD RAILTON: Did you see it? PETER HAMILTON: No, I heard it - up in the haze. Over to the north a little bit. DAN GALLOWAY: Probably making a spiral descent. We should hear it again in a moment. (And they do so. JILL runs to one side and looks over the rocky wasteland.) JILL TARRANT: Here she comes! (They see what looks, for all the world, like a flying saucer. It spins across the sky and over the horizon.) RICHARD RAILTON: They're landing in the next valley - come on! (They run off towards the landing place. Behind them, two Exxilons come out of hiding and move towards the base.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24: INT. MSC BASE (Within the base, STEWART is barely conscious. His head lolls from side to side. His eyes open and he looks to one side in a panic...) [SCENE_BREAK] 25: INT. SACRIFICIAL CAVERN (A large group of Exxilons stand in a stone cavern. Their cloaks pushed back, it can be seen that their faces are as brown as their cloaks and look like ghastly parodies of skulls. Their eyes are large, round and an opaque white. One Exxilon looks slightly different to the others in that his face and cloak are a hue of red - as though died by blood. He is the HIGH PRIEST. The cavern is lit by many candles and torches, some carried by the Exxilons. A fire in a stone well stands in the middle of the floor and to one side of the cavern has been erected a crude wooden cage. Echoing incantations fill the air as the HIGH PRIEST and the Exxilons approach the cage from a mist-covered altar. Within the cage, SARAH stands with her wrists bound by a rope suspended from the ceiling. The HIGH PRIEST holds up a hand and delivers his verdict...) HIGH PRIEST: You have looked upon the sacred place. You have walked where only the chosen may go. You have defiled the place of all power. (He gestures to two Exxilons who enter the cage and approach SARAH as the others return to the altar. SARAH is unbounded and pushed to the cage door. On the other side of the cavern, the HIGH PRIEST stands with his hands raised.) HIGH PRIEST: A judgment has been made. Prepare her for sacrifice! (The Exxilons grunt in pleasure as SARAH starts to cry out and struggle against her captors.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26: EXT. EXXILON. SHIP LANDING SITE (The new ship lands, sand being thrown up into the air by its exhaust blasts. JILL is the first to reach the spot, running out of the rocks and pointing.) JILL TARRANT: It's over there! (The others join her and look upon the ship as the engines die down.) PETER HAMILTON: That doesn't look like an Earth ship, sir. DAN GALLOWAY: Maybe it's that new Z-47 they've been planning. RICHARD RAILTON: She's not a Space Corps craft. (He walks towards the ship.) DAN GALLOWAY: Well, I hope they haven't run into the same power block. (The other three people follow with a suspicious DOCTOR bringing up the rear.) DOCTOR: We'll know soon enough. (The five stand before the closed door of the ship. It hums upwards...) [SCENE_BREAK] 27: INT. SHIP (...revealing a bare interior. PETER yells into the ship.) PETER HAMILTON: Come on out - the welcome party's all here! (A familiar shape glides from one side of the interior and out of the ship.) [SCENE_BREAK] 28: EXT. EXXILON. SHIP LANDING SITE (A shocked DOCTOR recognises it immediately...) DOCTOR: Daleks! (The MSC people retreat backwards, having themselves recognised the creatures from Skaro.) [SCENE_BREAK] 29: INT. DALEK SHIP (Three more DALEKS glides from the ship.) [SCENE_BREAK] 30: EXT. EXXILON. SHIP LANDING SITE DALEK: The Earth creatures are to be exterminated - fire at my command! RICHARD RAILTON: Wait a minute! Wait - you can't! DALEK: Total extermination - fire, fire, fire! (JILL buries herself in the DOCTOR'S shoulder as the DALEK weapons extend and fire...)	Plan: A: the TARDIS; Q: What is loosing power on Exxilon? A: the paradise planet; Q: Where is Florana? A: Florana; Q: Where do the Doctor and Sarah go for a holiday? A: -course; Q: What does the TARDIS go off of as it heads to Florana? A: the barren planet Exxilon; Q: Where does the TARDIS go off course to? A: Parrinium; Q: What is the name of the mineral that the Daleks are searching for? A: a space plague; Q: What is Parrinium the only antidote to? A: trouble ensues; Q: What happens when the Doctor and Sarah encounter the native people? A: the power-loss; Q: What is the Doctor trying to find out what caused? A: the Exxilon's lost city; Q: Where does the Doctor go to stop the power draining phenomenon? Summary: As the TARDIS heads to the paradise planet Florana where the Doctor and Sarah go for a holiday, the TARDIS goes off-course and arrives on the barren planet Exxilon, where the TARDIS is loosing power. The Doctor and Sarah finds a group of humans and Daleks are searching for Parrinium, a mineral which is the only antidote to a space plague. Both parties encounter the native people and trouble ensues. In an attempt to find what caused the power-loss, the Doctor, chased by the Daleks, enter the Exxilon's lost city to be able to stop the power draining phenomenon.
"The Girl with the Curl" [SCENE_BREAK] TEASER (Exterior - Washington, D.C., Municipal Water Treatment Plant, Daytime. Pan across the wide area of catwalks that crisscross over the water and its filtration systems. FBI agents and plant workers are milling about the area, conversing and working together. DR. TEMPERANCE BRENNAN and SPECIAL AGENT SEELEY BOOTH walk along the bright orange metal walkway toward the site where a body has been found.) DISPATCH: (over radio) Coroner Van Three, what's your E.T.A.? (Radio chatter) BOOTH: They found the victim in the filtration system. Just, you know, some bones, and nobody knows what to make of 'em. BRENNAN: (pulling on bright blue exam gloves) I mean, look at this. Millions of tax dollars are spent to clean and treat tap water and yet people spend billions on bottled water. BOOTH: (holds up the commercial bottle of water he's been carrying) Well, it's cleaner. Look, it comes from a clean mountain stream. BRENNAN: Yeah, which contains fecal matter from animals. BOOTH: (peers at the contents of his water bottle) There's no ... bones in it, though, is there? Don't want that in your water. (tosses it into a nearby garbage can) PLANT SUPERVISOR: Excuse me. Um, do you know how long this is gonna take? Department wants to know when I can get back on line. (Cut to a shot of the decomposed human remains, mostly skeletal, as laid out on a bright blue plastic sheet) MAN: (voice heard in the distance) Bag that and mark it. BRENNAN: Any way to determine where the body originated? PLANT SUPERVISOR: Water comes here through pipelines that travel through five different states. That's ... why I -- I called the feds in. BOOTH: Great. How many miles of pipe? PLANT SUPERVISOR: (hesitates) About ... eighteen hundred. BOOTH: (not deterred) 'Kay, I'm gonna need a schematic of the entire system ... as soon as you can. PLANT SUPERVISOR: Sure. BOOTH: Yeah. (turns back to Brennan as the supervisor exits) Bones? BRENNAN: (examining the skeleton) Well, swirl treatment sped the rate of decomp. Death was most likely less than three months ago. (she pauses to look up at Booth with a grave expression) The sacrum is small, still developing. BOOTH: (solemn, realizing) A kid. BRENNAN: A little girl ... about ... eight to ten years old. (Booth looks out over the expanse of the treatment plant, troubled -- how the hell did a little girl end up here?) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Interior - Jeffersonian - Medico Legal Lab - Platform. Brennan and her assistant ZACK ADDY are hunched over a metal table, examining the remains. DR. JACK HODGINS stands on the other side of the table, while Booth stands at the foot of the table, both men watching and waiting.) BOOTH: Hey, any luck with the cause of death? ZACK: Eh ... Postmortem trauma makes assignation of cause difficult. BOOTH: (makes a face) Great. "No" would have been just fine. (Close-up of the skeleton, as Brennan studies it) BRENNAN: There are bands of discoloration on the ribs. Cam might find out why with a tox screen. HODGINS: I'd like those clothes as soon as I can get 'em. Lots of crusty bugs and slime. BRENNAN: (smiles slightly at his terminology) All yours. (Hodgins smiles back, as the sound of an I.D. badge is heard being swiped in the background) Zack, spend some time with the teeth. They should be more discolored. (DR. CAMILLE SAROYAN enters the area, coming up to the table to stand in between Hodgins and Booth) CAM: Everything okay here? BOOTH: (takes an immediate step away from Cam, his voice overly casual) Yeah. Sure. Hey. (Brennan frowns slightly, glancing up from her work to peer at Booth curiously) You know? How's things? CAM: (calmly, just as casual, with a mild smile) You know, murder and stuff. Just another day at the office. How 'bout you? (Booth folds his arms across his chest, avoiding eye contact) BOOTH: Same old, same old. (Cam glances at Hodgins, who is watching both Booth and Cam with mild amusement; Booth keeps talking, his gaze firmly planted on the remains) Listen, the bureau's, ah, running location checks for registered pedophiles in the area, but we can't do much until we, uh, you know, I.D. the girl. CAM: (glances at Booth before turning her attention to Hodgins) I'm running DNA on the hairs I pulled from the skull. (As forensic artist ANGELA MONTENEGRO joins everyone at the table, Cam shakes her head) There's something funky about it. The roots confirm brown hair -- the blonde is from oxidized thiols evident in the hair shaft. (Brennan straightens from where she was hunched over, examining the body, and Hodgins looks to Cam, his expression turning serious) HODGINS: Her hair was bleached? BOOTH: (incredulous) Wait. Come on, what nine-year-old dyes her hair? ANGELA: Well, that might explain why my sketch isn't getting any hits from the missing children's database. (she gazes sorrowfully at her sketch pad, which holds the drawing of a fresh-faced, smiling, brown-haired girl) BRENNAN: Zack, look at the remains again with a focus on any physical anomalies that could hamper identification. (Zack nods at her) CAM: (gestures in the direction of her office) I've got results cooking, so -- BOOTH: (still avoiding eye contact with Cam, as she walks away) Sure. Yeah, see you later. (Hodgins and Angela exchange amused, knowing glances until Booth glares at Hodgins) Don't you have ... work to do? HODGINS: (not intimidated) Don't you? (Booth mock-laughs) BOOTH: Right. (nodding, as the unamused smile leaves his face) Right. (Hodgins watches with a grin, and Angela tries not to laugh, as Booth walks away) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Cam's office and exam area. Cam and Hodgins are standing at a metal table, going over evidence.) CAM: (handling a tweezers, placing bits of tissue on a tray) I should be able to run a tox screen with the tissue left on her clavicle. HODGINS: The scrapings that I took from the cheek and eye socket contain propylene glycol, fragrance, dyes, and lanolin. (he holds a test tube containing tiny bits of the material) CAM: (surprised) She was wearing makeup? BRENNAN: (enters the room with a small metal tray and sets it down on a rolling cart, bringing it over for the other two scientists to see) I was going to use dentition to narrow down the age range, but look ... (Close-up on the jawbone of the skeleton. Cam and Hodgins lean in to watch as Brennan pushes against one of the teeth; an artificial tooth pops off, exposing a smaller, natural tooth underneath.) CAM: (frowning) She has false teeth? HODGINS: (shaking his head, disgusted) What the hell happened to this kid? BRENNAN: The false teeth replace the missing deciduous teeth. CAM: (nods) Baby teeth. BRENNAN: And the other teeth ... were veneered. HODGINS: (stunned) What is she, a midget stripper? (Hodgins and Cam exchange a baffled look) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Angela's office. She sits at her computer, entering variables into her program, as the rest of the team watches her work.) ANGELA: Okay, this is the color she would've had from the bleaching. HODGINS: (leans in closer, checking out the girl's image on the screen) I think the alkaloids would make the color brighter. (Angela makes the appropriate modifications, and the girl's hair turns to a lighter, brighter blonde shade) BOOTH: Okay, so some twisted psycho killer gives this little girl a makeover before he kills her? (He looks to Brennan, who shakes her head. Everyone in the room is grim.) ANGELA: I hate working with kids. (pauses) Childhood should be all about swings. (She smiles at the thought, as she continues to make adjustments to the picture on the monitor. Still crouched down near Angela, Hodgins leans back a moment and considers her curiously.) ZACK: (dubious) Swings? ANGELA: Yeah. (A wistful expression crosses her face) You know, how high can I go? (turns to face Hodgins now, grinning, as he leans in a little closer to listen with interest) If I twist the chains, how fast will I spin? (Amused, Hodgins smiles at Angela momentarily before looking down, his voice gentle) HODGINS: What if I try to jump off before the swing stops? (He meets her eyes again, giving her a large, genuine smile, which she reflects back delightedly, nodding) ANGELA: Exactly. HODGINS: I miss that feeling. ANGELA: Yeah, me too. (At this, Brennan glances up at Booth. Seemingly on the verge of either rolling his eyes or joining in on the nostalgia, he studies her but says nothing, a slight smirk playing at the corner of his mouth.) BRENNAN: I miss organic chemistry class. (A fond look crosses her face, as Cam glances sideways at her) Those were good times. ZACK: (nodding, perfectly serious) I miss my first microscope. BOOTH: (shaking his head at all of them) Great. Yeah. And I miss normal people. (he raises his eyebrows) Can we go on? (he looks to Brennan, who's back to analyzing the portrait) BRENNAN: Factor in the teeth. (The illustration on Angela's monitor changes, as she makes the revision, elongating the teeth and brightening them) BOOTH: (mildly sarcastic) Yeah, you know? 'Cause, uh, this isn't weird enough. (gives Brennan more grimace than smile) ANGELA: Hodgins supplied the types of makeup. (Angela adds color to the girl's face -- lipstick, blush and some eye shadow -- and changes her hairstyle from a girlish-looking straight cut to a dramatic up-do) And that's what we've got. BOOTH: (studying the new sketch, brows furrowed) She looks thirty. BRENNAN: Okay, run the image against the database now. (Angela clicks a few buttons, and the image on screen is immediately compared to a rapid scan of various children's pictures, until at last it comes to a stop, finding its match) CAM: (staring at the photo on the monitor) Oh, my god. That's Brianna Swanson. BRENNAN: Who? BOOTH: (quietly, to Brennan) The little beauty queen who disappeared a few months ago. ANGELA: In the middle of a Little Miss Junior Patriot Pageant. BRENNAN: (murmuring almost to herself, as she studies the girl on screen) Just nine years old. (Cut to Booth as he scrutinizes the picture, then to a close-up of Brianna as the scene fades out in bright white) [SCENE_BREAK] ACT ONE (Exterior shot of the brilliant greenery surrounding the Lincoln Memorial, with the Washington Monument in the distance behind it, Washington, D.C. - Daytime - Cut to Booth's office in the F.B.I. building. Booth sits at his desk, talking with Brianna's mother, JACKIE SWANSON, as Brennan leans against the front of the desk.) JACKIE SWANSON: (tear running down her cheek) What do you mean ... there isn't even enough of her for me to see? BRENNAN: The body traveled through miles of piping. And then after three months -- (Pained, Jackie takes a moment to digest this information, looking down at a photograph of her daughter before holding it up for Booth to see) JACKIE: She was so beautiful, wasn't she? I always thought someday she'd come back. (shrugs) I even filled out her application to the Junior Miss Starlite competition. (cradles the picture lovingly) She would've won her division. (Brennan gives Booth a look -- it's unclear if she wants Booth to speak up because the moment has grown awkward, or if she's incredulous at Jackie's seemingly singular focus on Brianna's beauty and the competitions) BOOTH: (jumps in) We're very sorry for your loss. (Jackie nods at him, and returns to look at the picture) BRENNAN: Ms. Swanson, I discovered dental work on Brianna one doesn't ... usually see on a child. JACKIE: The veneers and the caps? Yeah. A lot of the girls had them. BRENNAN: (carefully) Statistically, that's -- that's not true. JACKIE: (calmly) Well, Brianna took some antibiotics when she was a baby that stained her teeth. She was very self-conscious about that, so -- (she looks to Booth and then back to Brennan) -- I wanted her to feel good about herself. BRENNAN: (shaking her head) A nine-year-old is hardly mature enough to make an informed decision about -- BOOTH: (jumps in again) You were at the competition in Delaware when Brianna went missing, correct? (he gets up from his desk and comes around to sit on the edge of it, directly in front of Jackie) JACKIE: Yeah. (sits up straighter in her chair) I never missed a pageant. I never would. BOOTH: But you weren't -- you weren't with her when, ah, she disappeared? JACKIE: No, I left her alone in our room for a minute. When I came back, she was gone. (Cut to Booth's stern face, studying her) There's ... not a day that goes by that I don't hate myself for that. BOOTH: According to initial reports, you suspected your ex-husband of kidnapping Brianna? JACKIE: Well, he was trying to get custody of her for over a year. Yeah. David was not fit to be a father. He wanted Brianna out of spite. And he tried to drown me in lawyer fees. BOOTH: (glancing at Brennan, who returns the look) Was your ex-husband violent with you or Brianna? JACKIE: Not physically, no. But ... once when we were fighting he said that he would rather have Brianna end up in a ditch somewhere than ... turn out like me. (Booth and Brennan share another quiet glance) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Interior - Jeffersonian - Medico Legal Lab - Platform. Cam and Zack are working on the skeletal remains.) CAM: It's the "evening wear" category that gets me. My evening wear's a ratty T-shirt and a mud mask. (she holds out a piece of jawbone and bottom teeth, gesturing to the chin area) There's bleeding evident under the mental foramen. ZACK: There was complete disruption of all ventral ligaments between the victim's skull and the first and second vertebrae. CAM: (nods, understanding) Her neck was broken. ZACK: Dislocated fracture of the mandible suggests her death was caused by a strong blow to the chin by an object heavy enough to leave markings on her -- (points to the exact spot, as Cam nods again) -- mental foramen. (Sound of an I.D. badge being swiped. Hodgins strides up the stairs, carrying a metal tray. He sets the tray on his desk and scans an image of its contents into his computer.) HODGINS: I found fragments of steel in the victim's jacket. There was also an excessive amount of polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons. CAM: (mild smile) I assume that means something. HODGINS: (brings up the specific image on his monitor) Polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons are found in soot, pesticides, creosotes -- (he turns to face her in order to emphasize his point) -- roofing tar. (Cam registers the connection) CAM: The original police report said Brianna's father was a roofer. (Zack frowns) HODGINS: Yeah. Interesting coincidence, huh? CAM: I'll call Booth. HODGINS: (conceals a smile) About this? (Cam doesn't respond to or acknowledge any recognition of his teasing, except to give a very slight reflexive double take before turning her attention to Zack instead) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: FBI Interrogation room. Booth sits on the edge of the table, questioning Brianna's father, DAVE SWANSON. Brennan sits at the table, while Dave leans against the wall by the window.) BOOTH: (casually) You have a roofing business? DAVE SWANSON: Uh, yeah. I -- I -- I went out on my own when Brianna was born. (runs his hand over his forehead) Thought I could make some more money, you know? BRENNAN: Do you use mastic asphalt in your work? DAVE: Uh, yeah, for waterproofing. Why? BOOTH: (shrugs, voice still casual) Were you working the day your daughter disappeared? DAVE: No, it was the weekend. (getting irritated) What are you guys getting at? BOOTH: We're just trying to piece things together. That's all. (Dave interrupts Booth, angry now, as he steps up and presses his fingers against the tabletop for emphasis) DAVE: Damn it! I answered all these questions when Brianna first went missing. (to Brennan) This is Jackie's doing, right? BOOTH: (keeping his voice low and level) You wanted your daughter back. Sometimes, in a divorce, the emotions -- they get a little high, you don't know what you're doing ... DAVE: No. I know exactly what happened. Jackie wasted so much time having the cops check me out, the case went cold. This is all Jackie's fault. (sits down as he pulls out his wallet, opening it up to a picture of a happy Brianna sitting behind her father, her hands on his shoulders, obviously from pre-pageant days) Look. This was my little girl. Not what Jackie turned her into. (holds up the photo for Booth to see more clearly) This is who I wanted back. (Brennan and Booth are quiet as Dave calms down, looking mournfully at his daughter's photograph) You, uh -- you didn't give her the remains, did you? BRENNAN: (shakes her head) No. We can't release them. Not before the investigation is completed. DAVE: I want her buried right. (looks to Booth, who seems to understand) I don't want her funeral to be some disgusting show Jackie puts on. (studies his daughter's picture again, upset) I-I-I -- I wanna bury her with some love, you know? (Booth respectfully considers this information, then exchanges a quizzical "okay, now what?" look with Brennan -- if Brianna's father didn't do it, who did?) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Imaging program on Angela's computer monitor. She's capturing and scanning shots of various people from a recording of the pageant. Hodgins strolls into her office, carrying a tray of material scraps. He pauses to look at the pictures on her screen.) HODGINS: How's it going? ANGELA: (sighs) FBI sent over the security tapes from the hotel where Brianna's pageant was held. I'm running them through the body mass recognition program. Maybe we'll find a shot of her leaving with somebody. HODGINS: (sickened) Could you ever do this to your kid? ANGELA: You know me. (smiles as she keeps working, her eyes glued to the monitor) I'm all about the swings. (Hodgins pauses at this, his eyes delightedly following her movements -- he is amused and definitely entranced) ANGELA: (pulling him from his reverie) You bring me something? HODGINS: Uh, yeah, yeah. (sets the tray in front of her on the desk, back to business) This was in the zippered pocket of what was left of Brianna's jacket. It's treated cellulose. Can you get any details from it? (She frowns, checking out the items on the tray) ANGELA: I'll give it a shot. (Hodgins observes her for a moment, considering. His face turns resolute.) HODGINS: Listen ... Angela. (He reaches down and moves the tray to the side, so that he can sit down next to her and face her. As he does this, Angela looks to him with a mixture of surprise, good humor, and curiosity. She shifts in her chair so that she is facing him, too. Focused, he searches for the appropriate words.) HODGINS: We've been ... dancing around this for months now ... (the corner of his mouth curves up) ... like two pieces of neodymium caught in a magnetic field. ANGELA: (laughs lightly) Is that good? HODGINS: Yeah. But if the field weakens, they fly apart. (Angela nods, smiling at him) Which is why I thought they should go on a date. (He smiles at her and blinks, his eyes bright and eager. The amusement slowly slides off Angela's face, leaving her eyes. She hesitates, taking a breath, trying to find the right words to say to him. She attempts a smile.) ANGELA: (carefully) Hodgins -- (He immediately leans in a little bit closer, still trying, still smiling ... certain this is right.) HODGINS: You can't say that you don't feel it. (Angela seems to consider this for a moment, doesn't deny it, but her head drops and she looks down, her eyes avoiding his steady gaze.) HODGINS: Come on, we owe it to ourselves to give it a try. (She's really struggling now, her eyes filling with sorrow as she looks upon his hopeful face. Clearly it hurts her to hurt him.) ANGELA: I -- I just don't think it -- (she stands up quickly, so he stands to join her) -- would be a good idea. (She looks him in the eye as she says this, trying to be honest. He opens his mouth as if he has more he wants to say, but elects to remain quiet for the moment. Instead, he studies her face. Perhaps hoping to see a wavering glimpse of a chance still there, in her eyes.) ANGELA: I mean, we work together, Jack. (He speaks gently, unconvinced by her feeble argument) HODGINS: Angela ... ANGELA: (genuinely, compassionately) I'm sorry. (A light smile is still on Jack's lips, but the joy has left his eyes. He speaks good-naturedly, but his voice trails off with a hint of disappointment underneath.) HODGINS: You're making a mistake ... (He stands there, but she can't meet his eyes any longer. She stiffens, awkwardly turning away from him to sit down at her desk. As Jack watches her, she starts up her work with the security tapes again.) ANGELA: (slowly) I'll examine the paper after I go through the videos. (Hodgins regards her for a long moment, silent, but finally nods) HODGINS: (quietly) Sure. (Angela keeps her focus on the monitor, but glances out of the corner of her eye, waiting to see if he's left the room.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Interior - Jeffersonian - Medico Legal Lab. Zack points to a chest X-ray on a monitor as Cam, Brennan and Booth look on.) ZACK: This is the rib cage of a healthy ten-year-old girl. BRENNAN: And this -- (Zack switches the image for her so that there are two chest X-rays on the screen, side-by-side) -- is our victim's rib cage. (The victim's rib cage is compacted, squished into the shape of an hourglass) BOOTH: Ouch. BRENNAN: This -- (she switches the picture to another film of a rib cage, this one with a warped spine) -- is an X-ray of a teenage girl who died in 1872. CAM: What caused the deformity? Was it genetic? BRENNAN: It was a corset ... tightened a little more each day. (Booth takes a deep breath, revolted, as Brennan keeps going) Based on the degree of misshaping, I'd say Brianna slept in one every night. BOOTH: That's torture. (Zack nods in agreement, then turns his attention to his boss as she continues) BRENNAN: I imagine it was to give her an hourglass figure, which wouldn't be possible naturally until well into puberty. BOOTH: (cringing) You gotta be -- you're telling me her mom did this to her? BRENNAN: People have done much worse for beauty -- neck stretching, foot binding ... BOOTH: Okay. (incredulous) And you're saying that makes it okay. BRENNAN: Well, of course not. Any major alteration of our underlying architecture demeans us. (Cam listens intently, taking an uncomfortable breath) You know, we all have aspects of ourselves we might wish were different. ZACK: (nodding emphatically) Yes. I wanted larger biceps before I became comfortable with my mental acuity. (At this declaration, Booth tilts his head and clears his throat, but says nothing) BRENNAN: (going back to the X-rays, zooming in on an affected section of bone) Here, you can see ... cribra orbitalia, suggesting Brianna suffered from long-term malnourishment. ZACK: There's no enamel erosion to indicate bulimia, so it's more likely she's been on a calorie-controlled diet for at least two years. CAM: (smiles at Booth) Oh, it gets better. BOOTH: (sardonically) Oh, how can it not? CAM: Her tox screen came back with traces of somatropin, tetracycline, and glycopyrronium bromide. (Brennan's mouth drops open slightly as she realizes what those chemicals are. As Zack explains, Booth grows more and more disgusted.) ZACK: Human growth hormone, broad-spectrum antibiotic used to treat acne, and a chemical mixture that controls perspiration. All with serious side effects. CAM: No prescriptions were ever issued. BOOTH: So Mom bound, starved and drugged her. (pauses to take it in) That's heartwarming. BRENNAN: Our society puts a premium on beauty. Common in declining cultures. (Angela hurries into the room) ANGELA: Hey, guys, you should take a look at this. (Everyone turns to stare at her for a moment, then follows her out of the lab, one by one, disillusioned by what they've just uncovered.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Angela's office. She cues up a security tape on her computer.) ANGELA: This was time-stamped a half-hour before Jackie Swanson reported Brianna missing. (she fast-forwards through the images until she reaches what she needs them to see) There. (A close-up of Jackie Swanson and her daughter Brianna in a carpeted stairwell at the hotel where the event was held: Jackie is trying to pull her daughter down the stairs. Brianna is struggling, pulling back from her mother.) JACKIE: (on video tape) Brianna, come on! Right now! BRIANNA: (on video tape) Let go of me! (Shouting on the tape continues, as Jackie struggles with her daughter, pulling her by the arm, arguing with her. Stunned, Brennan peeks around Angela to get a better look. Angela shakes her head, dismayed, as the fight persists. Booth watches intently.) BOOTH: She said not a day goes by that she doesn't hate herself. I can see why. CAM: (shaking her head) If Jackie's willing to risk her child's life to win these pageants -- BRENNAN: What would happen if her daughter refused to compete? (The security camera video freezes on Brianna's grimace as her mother holds her firmly by the wrists, and the screen whites out) END OF ACT ONE [SCENE_BREAK] ACT TWO (Pan across several pageant pictures of Brianna Swanson, laid out on a table in the interrogation room at the F.B.I. Jackie Swanson sits at one side of the table; Booth and Brennan sit together, opposite her.) JACKIE: What you have to understand is that this was Brianna's dream, not mine. BRENNAN: (leans forward, speaking bluntly) You put your nine-year-old daughter in a corset, Ms. Swanson. BOOTH: A corset. JACKIE: (slightly defensive) Yeah. Brianna ordered that off the Internet herself. And I didn't tighten it up very much. BRENNAN: Did you ever think to tell Brianna that she didn't need to alter her physical appearance in order to be loved? BOOTH: (carefully) Did Brianna disappoint you somehow? JACKIE: (immediately) No. She was a perfect angel. She won every competition, even her first one. And after that, it was music and dance classes. (shakes her head, impressed) She was a real competitor. BRENNAN: And when she won, it reflected well on you. That way you wouldn't have to deal with your own physical identity. (Jackie looks at Brennan for one hard moment, then turns to Booth, who raises his eyebrows, curious for her response to Brennan's accusation) JACKIE: I don't like her. BOOTH: Whoa. (Brennan doesn't look like she cares what Jackie thinks, so Booth moves on, picking up a folder and tapping it on the table) BOOTH: Let's ... play a little show-and-tell, shall we? (he pulls out a few of the surveillance photographs, displaying them for Jackie to see) How about this? Can you explain these? This there. And then that one -- my favorite one. (sets down the final photo of Jackie and Brianna grappling with each other) JACKIE: Okay, these -- (she pauses to take a long look at the pictures, her voice turning gravelly with grief) -- these are right before she disappeared. We had an ... disagreement. BRENNAN: (easing up her tone a bit) About the pageant? JACKIE: No, about her piano piece. I suggested she use her elbow to hit the last note with her head in her hands, give the audience a little smile. (she demonstrates the move) It's called dazzle. BOOTH: And she didn't want to do that. JACKIE: (nodding in agreement) No. She didn't want dazzle. She wanted to finish it perfectly. (pauses, looking down at the photographs of their fight again) But it seems very silly now. BRENNAN: (tiniest hint of sarcasm in her voice) Only now? (Jackie looks up at Brennan, saying nothing at this rebuke, gratefully turning her attention back to Booth when he changes the subject) BOOTH: What happened immediately following this? JACKIE: (lifting her chin a bit) I sent her up to our room, and I sent myself to the hotel bar for a very large glass of rosé. (looks to Brennan defiantly) And believe me, I was not the only mother doing the exact same thing. BOOTH: Great. (pulls out a pad of paper and a pen, pushing it toward Jackie) I'm sure you can, uh, provide me with a list of the other mothers. Hmm? (Brennan scrutinizes Jackie as if she's trying to understand her) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Interior - Jeffersonian - Medico Legal Lab. Cam and Zack are studying the bones on two X-rays.) ZACK: Blood would've rushed to the injured areas that are evident on her X-rays, but there's no evidence of blood flow -- (points to the areas on the screen) -- here or here or here. CAM: (engrossed in examining the films) So she was beaten after she died. ZACK: The blows appear to be consistent with kicking but the dispersal pattern is abnormal. (they turn back to the exam table where the victim's bones rest) CAM: Can you tell anything about the shoes? Size? Make? ZACK: Only that they are quite rigid, possibly steel-toed. CAM: (nodding, as another piece of the puzzle comes together) And Hodgins said he found fragments of steel in the jacket. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Angela sitting on the couch in Brennan's office. She is fiddling absently with a necklace and appears upset. Brennan enters, heading straight for her desk, picking up some binders.) ANGELA: Hodgins asked me out. (Brennan whirls around, startled to find Angela sitting there. She gives her a look before bending back down to retrieve her paperwork.) BRENNAN: Is that why you're hiding in here? (she straightens and turns to face Angela) ANGELA: I'm not hiding. (desperate, troubled face) I need advice. BRENNAN: What -- on a personal matter? ANGELA: (smiles slightly) Yes. BRENNAN: (surprised) From me? ANGELA: (nodding, insistent) Yes. BRENNAN: But romance is sort of -- (holds up her hands, trying to find the right words, as she walks over to sit in a chair across from Angela) -- This is like me asking you advice on phylogenetic systematics. ANGELA: Phylogenetic systematics. (she pauses) I have no idea what that is. BRENNAN: (smiles) Exactly. ANGELA: Well, I can't ask Cam. (Cam pops in the doorway of Brennan's office) CAM: Can't ask Cam what? BRENNAN: (casually) Oh, Hodgins asked Angela out on a date. ANGELA: (eyes widening) Brennan! BRENNAN: What? Was it a secret? (looks to Cam) It was a secret. (Angela gives Brennan a disapproving, "thanks a lot, big mouth pal o' mine" kind of glance) CAM: (ignoring them both, taking a businesslike step forward) I just came to ask if you'd made any progress on the cellulose. (She raises her eyebrows at Angela, who groans. Seems she's been a little distracted to start that project.) ANGELA: No. CAM: Okay. (starts to leave) ANGELA: Wait. (Cam stops short in the doorway) You can't pretend you didn't hear about this. CAM: Fine. (comes back into the room and sits down eagerly, getting comfortable) What'd you tell him? ANGELA: "No." CAM: (surprised) Why? BRENNAN: (looking at Cam as if she is ludicrous) Because it would be a disaster. ANGELA: (to Brennan) All of a sudden, you have an opinion on this? BRENNAN: You should never indulge in a romantic relationship with someone you work with. CAM: (mildly amused smile crossing her face) Why not? BRENNAN: Well, anthropologically? ANGELA: (looking pained) There's an anthropological answer? BRENNAN: An efficient workplace is predicated upon a simple hierarchy. (Angela nods slowly, absorbing the message) Romance undermines that hierarchy. (Brennan ponders a moment) This is like when I had an affair with my thesis supervisor in college. CAM: Don't think we have time for that. (turns to Angela) I say go. ANGELA: What about this hierarchical-sexual ... ? CAM: (waves her hand nonchalantly) Won't be an issue. (Angela looks worried, so Cam explains) It's always fun to flirt in the workplace. But out there, when fantasy becomes a reality, it's a drag. BRENNAN: (confused) What? The date will be bad? CAM: (certain) It will be awful. You'll both realize it's not meant to be. (Angela starts nodding again) There'll be a couple of days of awkwardness, and then everything goes back to normal. BRENNAN: If I were you, I'd go with Cam on this one. CAM: (looks pleased yet surprised by Brennan's admission) Why? ANGELA: (rolling her eyes, smiling) Phylogenetic systematics. (Cam looks bewildered) BRENNAN: (standing up) I have to go to dance class. (As Brennan exits the office, mystified Cam looks to Angela for an explanation. Angela looks away, rubbing her forehead and sighing heavily.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Pageant dance class going on in a magnificent hotel ballroom. A class of young girls dances to KC & the Sunshine Band's "(Shake Shake Shake) Shake Your Booty." Brennan and Booth walk-and-talk past several groups of students and a grand piano, stopping to stand and watch all the activity from the side of the room.) BOOTH: Jackie Swanson's alibi checks out. She was in the bar when Brianna disappeared. (lowers his voice, his jaw setting) Can't we just prosecute her for being horrible? (Brennan looks to a woman in a white button-down shirt, black leotard and dance skirt. The woman is slowly weaving her way through the class, directing each of the dancing girls.) BRENNAN: That the dance teacher? BOOTH: Yeah. That's, uh, Charlotte Craft. She owns the studio. She also runs the -- (voice turning sarcastic now) -- Junior Miss Patriot Pageant. I mean, she's gotta be able to give us something, right? (Booth and Brennan make their way over to the side of the room where the teacher is) BRENNAN: I always wanted to take dance, but I was so ... gawky and uncoordinated. BOOTH: (chuckles) What? You? (He puts his hand on her shoulder as he gently steers her to a row of chairs against the wall, some occupied by parents watching their kids dance. Brennan keeps talking and follows where he guides her, the whole time Booth looking out for her and putting his hand on her arm to make sure she doesn't get knocked down or disrupt the students' dancing.) BRENNAN: Later I understood that the gawkiness was caused by an asymmetrical development of the iliac crest. BOOTH: (rolls his eyes) Oh, yeah. Because you know what? That's what I would've guessed. (they sit) The old, uh, iliac ... crest. (smirks slightly) (A woman sitting two chairs away from them turns to introduce herself with a wide, proud smile) KRISTEN MITCHELL: Hi. Which one's yours? (Both Brennan and Booth stare blankly at the woman) BOOTH: Hmm? BRENNAN: Which what is what? What? Mine? (glances at Booth) Ours? BOOTH: (gesturing to Brennan, stunned) Ours? (immediately) Oh, no, no. Whoa. (gets up from his seat and moves away from Brennan, putting one empty chair between them) We're not -- No. (Brennan gives Booth an insulted glare) That's not -- (glances at Brennan, then quickly looks away as he pulls out his badge, whispering) F.B.I. KRISTEN: (impressed) Oh, wow. Really? BOOTH: (proudly) Mm-hmm. (He glances at Brennan, who gives him another look, her mouth tight) KRISTEN: Oh, are you here about ... (lowers her voice) ... Brianna Swanson? BOOTH: (doesn't answer the question, his voice cordial but his face impassive) Did you know Brianna? KRISTEN: Yeah. Very well. I'm Kristen Mitchell. (leans in, pointing) That's my daughter Ariel ... by the barre, with the gray leg warmers. (Close-up on a young blonde girl as she leans into a stretch) They -- they took classes together, were in the same pageants. (Brennan's listening in on the conversation from her place a few chairs away, so she looks over to Ariel too) Sometimes I can't help but wonder, what if it had been Ariel who got kidnapped? BRENNAN: (moves over to sit next to Booth and Kristen) Why do you assume she was kidnapped? KRISTEN: Well, I can't imagine Brianna just ... running away. (she chuckles) BOOTH: Well, these pageants are very competitive. There was a lot of pressure probably on her. KRISTEN: (scoffs) To Brianna? Uh, no. No way. I mean, she had the face of an angel, but underneath -- (she smirks) -- let's just say she had her sights set on winning that pageant. BRENNAN: Why? KRISTEN: I don't understand the question. BOOTH: (leans in, speaking carefully) What's the draw here? KRISTEN: (excited) Oh, my God. The girls, they love it. They get to dress up all glamorous, all the attention, the lights, and the music. (Brennan gets a confused, disturbed expression on her face like she's studying some odd counterculture; meanwhile, Booth nods at Kristen, giving her a very fake "sure, yeah, this is interesting" smile that looks more like he's in pain. The music stops, and the teacher claps for everyone's attention.) CHARLOTTE: All right, girls. That's enough for today. Thank you very much. BRENNAN: (annoyed) There's enough pressure on young females without making them prematurely sexualized. KRISTEN: (half-laughs, then gives Brennan a look dripping with disdain) I'm sorry, but that is just narrow-minded prejudice. I was in pageants my entire childhood. I loved 'em. And -- (she smiles, very pleased) -- they sent me to college on a full scholarship. (As Brennan looks horrified at the very thought of going to school on scholarships stemming from beauty pageants, Kristen's daughter scurries over, done with class.) ARIEL: Hey, Mommy, I'm finished. KRISTEN: (hugs her daughter proudly) Hey, hon. Nice job. (looks her in the eye) And good focus. ARIEL: (delighted) Thanks. (Kristen stands up, and turns to Booth) KRISTEN: Well, I hope you find the man responsible. (she and her daughter exit as the teacher CHARLOTTE CRAFT walks up) CHARLOTTE: Agent Booth? I've got about twenty minutes till my next class. BOOTH: Okay. BRENNAN: Okay. (she gets up at the same time as Booth) Okay. (He stops her with one hand as she tries to follow him) BOOTH: Oh, you know, why don't, uh, why don't you go mingle? BRENNAN: What? Why me? BOOTH: Because you're a girl. (he starts to walk away but Brennan stops him) BRENNAN: (offended) What? BOOTH: (lowering his voice) Listen, because it's illegal for me to question any of these kids without their parents, okay? (glances around the room) Look, you're a civilian. Okay? So take your pick. BRENNAN: Good point. (Booth walks away as Brennan scans the room for someone to "interrogate") [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Close-up of Hodgins' gloved hand as he places a Petrie dish below the microscope lens.) HODGINS: Behold the keepers of mystery - the Sphecius speciosus and his trusty sidekick, the Tibicen lyricen. CAM: (sarcastic) Ooh. Ahh. (Hodgins smirks, unaffected, so Cam leans in to peer at the "bugs" now magnified on the computer screen) What mystery? HODGINS: If Brianna Swanson was kidnapped, they didn't take her far. The presence of these two species together suggests that she died within a one-mile radius of the hotel where she disappeared. CAM: (shaking her head) That whole area was thoroughly searched within hours of her disappearance. HODGINS: (considers this, looking disappointedly at his findings) Yeah. (He is quiet for a moment, pondering until a new possibility at last occurs to him) HODGINS: I think her body was jammed into a storm culvert for over a month, until those thunderstorms two weeks ago -- CAM: (eyes widening as she connects with what he's saying) Washed the remains down to the treatment plant. HODGINS: (nodding, excited again) FBI forensics should check out the culverts and drains large enough for a nine-year-old girl around the hotel. CAM: I'll tell Booth. (she smiles at him, impressed, as she walks away) (As Hodgins proudly turns back to his work, he glances over and sees Angela walking up the aisle toward him. He laughs when she smiles at him.) HODGINS: Hey. (he sits at his desk, his tone light but his eyes on his work) Don't come around again looking for a second chance. That was a one-time offer, baby. ANGELA: (leans in, smirking) Really. (she teasingly considers this) Hmm. HODGINS: (looks up at her in astonishment) No. (confused) What? (As Angela saunters away, looking back at him with a grin on her face, Hodgins gets up and follows her, stammering along the way) HODGINS: No. N-no, no. Not -- not really. I mean, it never occurred to me that y-you would -- (Angela stops walking and faces him head-on, her expression turning serious now; Hodgins is completely flustered) -- Okay, now you talk. ANGELA: (pauses a moment, looking him in the eyes, confidently this time) I accept -- (she's got his full attention now) -- going on a date -- (Hodgins starts to smile) -- with you. (she nods at him encouragingly, her smile sincere) Soon. (Hodgins turns away momentarily, clearly pleased, then turns back to Angela, grinning) HODGINS: Tonight? ANGELA: (exhales a breathy laugh, surprised) Wow. That is soon. HODGINS: (serious now) I don't wanna give you time to change your mind. (Angela smiles at him, so he continues) What do you wanna do? ANGELA: You asked me. (she smirks at him) Figure it out. (Hodgins nods at her, clearly accepting the challenge. His eyes follow her as she walks away; then he exhales a relieved breath.) HODGINS: (looks heavenward, whispering gratefully) Thank you. (He gets an excited yet determined look on his face -- he's got some date prep to do and he wants it to be great) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: An image taken with a camera cell phone. In the photo, a teenaged boy dressed all in black appears to be lurking near a doorway. Charlotte Craft holds out the cell phone so Booth can see.) CHARLOTTE: I took this at the pageant about a half an hour before Brianna disappeared. (Booth takes the phone and studies the face in the picture) BOOTH: Did you show it to the police? CHARLOTTE: No. BOOTH: (puzzled) Why not? CHARLOTTE: (sincerely) Because ... he's not some murderous pedophile. He's the seventeen-year-old brother of one of the contestants. BOOTH: Then why'd you take his picture? CHARLOTTE: Well, to show his parents how creepy he seems hanging around. He could be such a good-looking boy. BOOTH: What's his name? CHARLOTTE: Jeremy Ferrell. (pauses) Look, I know he dresses in black and mopes around, but ... he's totally harmless. BOOTH: (smiles at that) Hmm. (drops the smile) I'm gonna need a copy of this picture. CHARLOTTE: (takes her phone back) Certainly. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Brennan holding up a photograph of a skeleton she unearthed at a dig. She's sitting on the floor, chatting with a small group of young girls.) MEGAN: Is that a real skeleton? BRENNAN: Yes, of a twelve-year-old from the Bronze Age. These bones show she'd already had children. MEGAN: What killed her? BRENNAN: Having the children. LIZA: (authoritatively) She should've waited to be married before she had sx. MEGAN: (looks to her friend, whispering) You said "sx." (Liza shrugs, grinning shyly) BRENNAN: Were you girls in the Junior Miss Patriot Pageant? MEGAN: (smiling proudly) I came in fourth. LIZA: (snottily) If Brianna was there, you'd have been fifth. BRENNAN: It must have been hard to lose your friend like that. MEGAN: Brianna was kind of mean. She said Liza had cankles. (Liza makes a face) BRENNAN: What are cankles? MEGAN: Where your calves and your ankles are the same thing. (All the girls nod knowingly) LIZA: (crossing her arms) She took my birthday watch too. She'd take anything she liked. BRENNAN: So you weren't friends. MEGAN: You had to be friends with her. BRENNAN: (curious) Why? LIZA: (as if it's obvious) Because Brianna was the queen. BRENNAN: (considers this thoughtfully) So yours was a cultural structure predicated on the equation of beauty with power. (the girls start looking at each other, confused) You instinctively align yourselves with someone who holds the greatest potential for societal supremacy. (Liza's eyes are wide) It's ... a Darwinian pressure you're too young to bear. (Booth comes up behind Brennan) BOOTH: Okay. Come on, Bones. (he reaches under her arms and helps her up from where she sits) Up you go. There you go. MEGAN: (speaks breathlessly, staring at Booth) You have huge muscles. BOOTH: (gives her an appreciative grin) Thanks. (looks to Brennan seriously) Learn anything? (Liza looks up at Booth with a big smile) BRENNAN: Yeah, I learned about cankles. How about you? BOOTH: (whispers) I found a possible suspect. (he gestures to where Jeremy Ferrell waits for his little sister) BRENNAN: Well, Cam and Zack said that Brianna was kicked with a steel-toed boot. (Pan down to Jeremy's footwear -- he's sporting what appears to be shiny, steel-toed black boots) BOOTH: Looks like my possible suspect just became our primary suspect. (Jeremy smiles at his sister and takes her backpack, carrying it for her and holding the door as they both exit. Brennan and Booth watch them go.) END OF ACT TWO [SCENE_BREAK] ACT THREE (Cut to: FBI Interrogation room. JEREMY FERRELL sits slouched with his arms folded defensively across his chest. His mother DONNA FERRELL sits next to him. Booth sits across from them at the table.) JEREMY: Of course I'm at every pageant. (to his mother) Okay, you see what happens? DONNA: (to Booth) Look, I make him come -- to -- to carry Haley's changes and the props for her talent competition. BOOTH: Well, you know a lot of kids his age ... they'd -- they'd just refuse. JEREMY: Okay, so what? So then I'm a -- I'm a bad kid because I'm a good kid? BOOTH: (indulgent half-smile) Hmm. (gestures at him) What do you call this look? JEREMY: It's not a look. DONNA: (weary) Emo. It's called emo. JEREMY: (getting annoyed) No, it's not. DONNA: It's short for overly emotive. JEREMY: (glares at her, his arms still crossed) No, Mom, no, it's not. Okay? I like these clothes, I like this hair. It's not emo. It's not anything. (his mother rubs her neck in frustration) BOOTH: (studying Jeremy for a moment) You have a girlfriend? DONNA: He does. She looks exactly like him. BOOTH: Are you guys, like, real boyfriend and girlfriend? JEREMY: (sneers) What do you mean? What do we -- what -- do we have s*x? BOOTH: I don't know. You tell me. JEREMY: (glowering at Booth now) Why? Because if we don't, then I'm just -- I'm some pervert who's got a thing for little girls? (Booth holds up a copy of the picture that Charlotte Craft took) BOOTH: The day that this, uh, picture was taken, did you speak with Brianna Swanson? JEREMY: (nods) Yeah. DONNA: (seems surprised) Jeremy. JEREMY: She was pickin' on my little sister. BOOTH: Oh. (carefully) And did you argue? JEREMY: (with a touch of sarcasm) You don't argue with a nine-year-old. You call each other names. (Booth glances under the table) BOOTH: Are you wearing the same shoes that you wore that day? JEREMY: (immediately) No. DONNA: (just as quickly) Yes. He's worn the same thing every day for a year. (Jeremy looks irritated at that comment) BOOTH: (directly to Jeremy) Would you be willing to give us those shoes? JEREMY: (again, immediately) No. DONNA: (again, just as quickly) Yes. JEREMY: (indignant) Mom! (His mom turns to him and yells) DONNA: Just this once, Jeremy, do what I tell you, okay?! (Booth winces in mild amusement at the sight of this 'punk kid' getting yelled at by his mom) DONNA: (pleading now) I -- I know you didn't do this, honey. (Jeremy rolls his eyes) I know who you are under all this. Give the F.B.I. your shoes. (Jeremy looks at his mother for a moment, then turns to Booth) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Jeremy's boots being plopped down on Brennan's desk at the Jeffersonian.) HODGINS: Not the shoes. BRENNAN: (looks up from her work) How do you know? HODGINS: First, the caps are plasticized chrome, not stainless steel. ZACK: (standing next to Hodgins) And they're too broad and rounded to have caused the damage to Brianna Swanson's bones. BRENNAN: (considers this a moment) Tell Cam and Booth. (Hodgins and Zack turn to leave Brennan's office. Hodgins strips off his lab coat as he and Zack walk.) HODGINS: (to Zack) You do it. ZACK: (stopping in the doorway of Brennan's office to object) Why? HODGINS: Because I ... have a date. (he tosses his lab coat at Zack and leaves) (Zack turns to Brennan, confused, but Brennan seems to be putting it all together as she cranes her neck to watch Hodgins walk away.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Hodgins and Angela strolling side-by-side across a grassy yard, in a park.) HODGINS: Here's the thing, Angela. I know you've been out with a lot of guys. ANGELA: (protesting with a grin) Hey, you have a different girlfriend twice a month. HODGINS: (grins back) Yeah. So imagine the pressure to come up with a date that neither one of us has ever been on before. ANGELA: (looking at him, amused and curious) So what's up? We here to walk a dog or something? (Hodgins stops walking and turns to face her) HODGINS: I remember what you said ... about how you used to feel on a swing. (He turns his head; Angela's eyes follow. There in the distance is a swing set with two swings. Angela's eyes light up in surprise. She looks back to Hodgins, marveling at his creativity, clearly impressed. Hodgins smiles widely.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Close-up of the treated cellulose. Brennan and Cam are examining the material versus the magnified image on their monitor.) BRENNAN: It looks like colored dots, but it's so faded. CAM: Could this be a candy bar wrapper? BRENNAN: (shaking her head) I don't think Brianna was supposed to eat candy. CAM: (looks up at Brennan with a slight smirk) Well, there were a lot of things I wasn't supposed to do as a kid. I still did them. (pauses a moment, looking back down at the wrapper and over at the monitor) I haven't changed much. (Brennan gives Cam a look, as Booth comes up the stairs to join the women on the platform) BOOTH: Bones, anything on the emo shoes? CAM: (answering for Brennan, she glances over her shoulder at Booth as he steps up to the table) Not a match. Sorry. (Booth spies the cellulose on the table) BOOTH: What's with the, uh, Milk Blast Bar wrapper? CAM: (scrutinizes the wrapper more carefully, finally recognizing) Milk Blast Bar. BOOTH: Yeah. BRENNAN: What's a Milk Blast Bar? CAM: It's about the cheapest, worst ice cream bar you can get. (switching her voice to sound like an announcer in a commercial) Available only at ... Red Shed convenience stores. CAM and BOOTH: (singing the jingle) "Red Shed. What you need now ... and how!" BOOTH: Yeah! (Brennan stares at the two of them) CAM: (laughs) I thought they stopped making them. BOOTH: (laughing too) Yeah, I thought I just ate 'em all. BRENNAN: Well, maybe we should determine how Brianna Swanson got ahold of one. (At this grave reminder of a deceased little girl, Cam and Booth sober immediately) BOOTH: (reaching into his pocket for a cell phone) Brianna Swanson? (He dials a number) CAM: Hodgins found the wrapper ... with her remains. BOOTH: (into his phone) Yeah, it's Booth. Listen, I need a search for any, uh, Red Shed convenience store within a one-mile radius of the Hyperion Hotel off 171. Thanks. (hangs up and turns to Brennan, contrite) Look, I wouldn't have laughed so hard if I knew it was Brianna Swanson. (Cam looks from Booth to Brennan and then back down at her work, but says nothing. Brennan looks uncomfortable.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: A completely opposite mood, the joyous sound of Angela laughing. Close-up on the tangled chains of a swing.) ANGELA: Oh, my God. HODGINS: (quickly) Put your head back. Put your head back. (Hodgins stands behind Angela as she sits on the swing; his hands guide her shoulders, as he carefully spins her around and around. The chains of the swing begin to untwist.) ANGELA: (clinging to the chains, laughing hard) I'm gonna puke. HODGINS: (laughing too) Head back! Head back! (He turns her one last time; the chains finally open up and straighten, rocking Angela back and forth on her swing) ANGELA: (still laughing) Ohhh! I'm gonna puke, I'm gonna puke. (Jack grins widely, chuckling) HODGINS: No, don't. (he steadies her swing) You all right? ANGELA: (giggling) Yes. HODGINS: Yeah? (His hands come to rest on her waist and start to pull her back again) ANGELA: (grinning) Not -- don't do it again. HODGINS: (protests with another laugh) It was fun. (He gives her a soft push on the swing instead, leaving room for her to move back and forth as he walks over to his own swing and hops on) ANGELA: I never thought I'd be doing this again. (Hodgins reaches to grasp the chain on her swing, his hand close to hers, so he can swing back and forth in rhythm with her) HODGINS: (surprised) Really? (Angela takes hold of the chain on Jack's swing so they're both connected. They look at each other, smiling, as they continue to sway and talk.) ANGELA: (delighted) Really. HODGINS: (casually) You know, I had a little dream about it last night. (A hint of a wicked grin crosses his face. Angela rolls her eyes, still smiling.) ANGELA: Did you? HODGINS: Yeah. (smirks at her confidently) It ended well, too. ANGELA: (indulges him) I'm sure it did. (She grins and lets go of his chain. As he jumps up to stand on the seat of his swing, his face turns serious.) HODGINS: But you know what? (sincerely) You look much better here. ANGELA: Better than a dream, huh? (she shakes her head at him, smiling) You're shameless. (She watches him for a moment as he swings back and forth precariously from a standing position, reaching higher and higher) ANGELA: All right, you better get -- get -- you are gonna kill yourself. (He grins, but finally jumps off the swing) HODGINS: I wouldn't do that. (Angela smiles and keeps swinging) ANGELA: No? HODGINS: Not yet. (She looks up at Jack expectantly as he steps in front of her swing and takes hold of its chains, bringing it to a gradual stop. Angela pushes a lock of hair away from her face, looking up at him, then glancing down shyly. Her eyes trail up his body to rest upon his face as he nudges her swing back, bit by bit, each cautious step bringing him closer to her, until at last she is standing and he is inches from her face. He smiles.) ANGELA: (softly, as she looks into his eyes) What now? (Jack blinks, saying nothing. Angela smiles at him and waits. His eyes drop down momentarily to her mouth, then return to look into her eyes. After a quiet moment, he tilts his head, leaning in to kiss her, his eyes falling closed. Angela kisses him back, exploring gently. In this lovely romantic moment, the park is theirs, all moonlight and shadow, and as they deepen the kiss, Jack's swing moves next to them, swaying lightly in the night breeze.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Large silver and black sign that reads "RED SHED." Brennan and Booth are walking along the sidewalk, eating ice cream.) BRENNAN: Well, they carry Milk Blast Bars. That's a start. (takes another bite) These are good. BOOTH: Are you kidding me? (gestures with his ice cream bar to the empty wrapper in his other hand) These are God's food, right here. (casually) So the F.B.I., uh, forensic units are ... sweeping the culverts near the hotel. So I figured, you know, while we were waiting, we'd just, uh, go ... have a look around. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Booth and Brennan holding flashlights, poking around the neighborhood beyond the convenience store. Close-up on a bubbly stream, its path briefly illuminated by Brennan's flashlight as she scans the area. Cut to a darkened industrial section of town as Booth and Brennan move through shadows, passing a stack of pallets, still searching. Cut again to Booth as he shines his light back and forth over a grassy hill, until the beam comes to a stop on a storm drain partially obscured by weeds.) BOOTH: Right there. There it is. (Brennan shines her light in his direction) BRENNAN: Well hidden. BOOTH: Yeah. (They both head toward the culvert, their feet crunching noisily through the dry grass. At one point, there is a close-up of Brennan's boot as it steps over a cement parking stop. Booth crouches down and peers into the tube.) BOOTH: Well ... big enough to, uh, stuff a child's body into. (As Brennan squats down to join him, pulling on her latex gloves, Booth spots something shiny in the murky water at the base of the drain) Oh, what do we got there? (Brennan swirls a gloved hand in the water until she is able to grasp the object and pull it out. She holds it up and shines her flashlight on it.) BRENNAN: It's a pageant medal. BOOTH: Looks like we got our crime scene, huh? (She exchanges a meaningful glance with Booth as she turns the muddy medal over in her hand) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: A shot from the within the storm drain, as Brennan and Zack peek inside.) BRENNAN: Crushing and scraping injuries to the scapula are congruent with Brianna Swanson being forced into a culvert this size in a prone position. ZACK: The kicks to the back were the attacker's attempt to force the body farther into the culvert where it couldn't be seen. (As the camera pulls back, we see they have brought a section of the tube to the Jeffersonian in order to test theories. Cam and Hodgins stand at a nearby table, checking out the medal, which is now shiny and readable.) CAM: "Little Miss Raspberry Blossom, Culpepper, Virginia." HODGINS: There were remnants of blood on the medal before I cleaned it. I'm waiting to see if it belongs to Brianna Swanson. CAM: It's dated 1976. (Medal reads "LITTLE MISS RASPBERRY BLOSSOM - CULPEPPER, VIRGINIA, 1976" and has a white and royal purple ribbon. Angela enters the lab in a hurry.) ANGELA: I got something. (she heads straight for a computer and types in some variables) Okay. I don't know if this helps you. (On screen, an old newspaper article pops up, and Angela reads from the caption underneath a sepia-tinged photograph) "Lisa Fisher, 1976 Raspberry Queen. Holly Walters, Raspberry Princess. Kristen Madigan, Little Miss Raspberry Blossom." (Brennan leans forward, recognizing) BRENNAN: That face. Kristen Madigan. (speaks carefully, giving Angela a grave look) The mother ... that I spoke with at the dance school was named Kristen. Kristen Mitchell. CAM: (eyes widening) Oh, my God. It's like that Texas cheerleading thing, where the mother took out her daughter's main competitor. (Angela cringes, looking to Brennan, as the camera closes in on the picture of young Kristen, smiling brightly as she holds a basket of raspberries and wears the very medal they found) [SCENE_BREAK] (Fade to FBI Interrogation room. Booth leans back casually in his chair at the table, as Kristen Mitchell paces while she talks.) KRISTEN: Yes. My daughter did win the pageant after Brianna disappeared. That's not a secret. The winner, Ariel, went on to a national competition. BOOTH: And how did Ariel do in the nationals? KRISTEN: (stops pacing to face him confidently) Very well. Finished in the top ten. BOOTH: Top ten? Wow. (he squints at her, searching for the right button to push) That probably wouldn't have happened if, uh, Brianna Swanson hadn't gone missing, right? KRISTEN: (indignant) You don't know that. Nobody knows that. (Booth remains silent, keeping his eyes on Kristen as he bends forward, reaching across the table, moving his hand aside to reveal Kristen's medal) KRISTEN: (picking it up immediately) Where'd you get this? BOOTH: Oh, we found it ... at Brianna Swanson's crime scene. Can you explain that? (Kristen opens her mouth but doesn't immediately answer, choosing instead to look at Booth, then at the medal, and back to Booth again, shrugging) KRISTEN: Brianna Swanson was a thief, Agent Booth. (Booth says nothing, but raises both eyebrows) I mean, ask anybody. She probably took it out of my bag. BOOTH: Did you report it missing? (She closes her mouth firmly, her eyes narrowing at Booth as he patiently waits for an answer. Finally, she takes a breath and speaks up.) KRISTEN: I'm not saying another word until I get a lawyer. (Booth studies her thoughtfully) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Zack hunched over the lab table, positioning yellow, numbered markers over each section of bone where Brianna was kicked. Brennan stands at the head of the table, watching and pondering the evidence.) ZACK: (counting as he places each marker) One, two ... three, four. And she was kicked twice in the same place here, twice as deep. So five, six. BRENNAN: (nodding) There's an asymmetry both of force and distance to these kicks. ZACK: The fracture pattern suggests a slight rotation to the blows. BRENNAN: (thinking this over) How slight? ZACK: About thirty degrees. BRENNAN: (immediately) Left side only? ZACK: (nodding solemnly) Yes. (Brennan smiles at Zack as she pulls her cell phone out of her pocket and hits speed dial. After a moment, she speaks into the phone.) BRENNAN: Hey, it's me. Are you with Kristen Mitchell? (Cut to Booth still sitting in the interrogation room with Kristen, who has joined him at the table) BOOTH: (switches his phone from one hand to the other) Yeah. Ah, we're just, uh, sitting here, you know ... (mildly sarcastic, as he looks over at Kristen) ... waitin' for a lawyer. (Kristen rolls her eyes and folds her arms across her chest) Why? (Cut to Brennan in her lab) BRENNAN: Okay, I need to know if her hips are even. (Cut back to Booth in the interrogation room) BOOTH: (lowering his voice) Is that slang, or do you really mean "even"? BRENNAN: (voice heard over Booth's phone) Just stand behind her; place your hands on her hips. (Booth glances over at Kristen Mitchell, who gives him an inquisitive stare; he shifts uncomfortably in his seat as Brennan continues her directions) Then, move your hands up to her ribcage, gauging if it's an equal distance on each side. (Cut to Brennan in her lab, looking to Zack, who nods in agreement that this is the right course of action in order to tell them what they need to know) (Cut back to Booth) BOOTH: (slouching in his chair, shaking his head) That's ... so not gonna happen. (he frowns) (Cut to Brennan) BRENNAN: Well, you're videotaping the interview, right? (Cut back to Booth) BOOTH: Of course. We have to. (he glances over at Kristen, whose eyes are narrowing at him suspiciously) BRENNAN: Okay, ah ... then beam me some footage of her walking. BOOTH: Okay. All right. (he sits up straighter in his chair) Comin' at you, Bones. (He hangs up his cell phone) KRISTEN: What was that about? (Instead of answering her, Booth gets up, walks over to the intercom on the wall by the door and pushes a button) BOOTH: Yeah, do me a favor and, uh, beam those images of Ms. Mitchell pacing to the Jeffersonian. Thanks. (he releases the 'talk' button and turns back to Kristen) KRISTEN: (irritated) What's going on here? Where's my attorney? (Booth exhales a deep breath but says nothing -- he's got to give Brennan more time) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Interior - Jeffersonian - Medico Legal Lab. Zack is cueing up the video footage that Booth had forwarded.) BRENNAN: Okay, try and get a shot of her buttocks and freeze it. ZACK: Okay. (The recording begins with Kristen walking toward the camera. Zack pauses the image of Kristen as she turns around to pace in the opposite direction. He zooms in so the focus is on her butt.) ZACK: I'm applying a ... biometric graph ... right here. (He taps some parameters into his handheld device and a graph appears, covering the screen. He keys in more code, and the graph markers conform to the shape of Kristen's buttocks. A bar at the top and bottom of the graph shows that the measurements are balanced.) ZACK: No. (Brennan shakes her head as she shares a discouraged look with him) BRENNAN: You might as well let her go, Booth. (Cut to Booth on his cell phone, back in the interrogation room) BOOTH: (quietly into his phone) Why? (Cut to Zack in the lab, as he leans over to speak into the phone) ZACK: (enunciating carefully) She has very nice symmetrical buttocks. (Cut to Booth in the interrogation room. At hearing Zack's statement, his mouth drops open. Speechless, Booth snaps his mouth shut and glances sideways at Kristen, who is attentively watching Booth, waiting to hear just what the hell is going on.) BOOTH: (shifting guiltily, trying to avoid looking directly at Kristen, he mumbles out of one side of his mouth) Well, yeah. I know that. But, um -- (he glances at Kristen again) -- what's that gotta do with anything? (Cut to Brennan and Zack double-checking the symmetry of Kristen's butt) ZACK: (speaking into the phone again) Brianna Swanson's attacker has a thoracolumbar curve. Scoliosis. (Cut back to Booth, shaking his head) BOOTH: Sure. Meaning ... what? (Cut to Brennan, speaking unequivocally as she and Zack share a knowing look) BRENNAN: Kristen Mitchell is definitely not the killer. (Cut back one final time to Booth in his interrogation room, on his cell phone) BOOTH: Thanks. (He hangs up his cell and stares off into the distance, thinking) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Booth and Brennan as they walk across the lower level of the Jeffersonian lab. Brennan swipes her I.D. badge through the security scanner; she and Booth head up the stairs to the platform where Zack and Cam are waiting.) BOOTH: Ariel Mitchell says that she showed Brianna her mom's medal the day of the pageant. Now, Brianna -- she must've stolen it. All right? (frustrated) We're -- we're nowhere. BRENNAN: Well, we might have found the murder weapon. BOOTH: The murder weapon. Okay, well, what is it? ZACK: (speaking up from where he sits at a desk) A fore-stop trammel. BOOTH: A what? CAM: (gesturing to the cement parking stop) Hello. (Booth and Brennan walk around either side of the lab table, checking out the trammel) ZACK: It's from the parking lot at the Red Shed convenience store. BRENNAN: The F.B.I. forensics team found minute traces of blood on it. We brought it in here to compare the edging with the marks on the victim's chin. (she returns to Zack's desk, as he cues up a magnified view of the markings from the trammel versus the markings on Brianna's chin) And we can see here -- ZACK: It's a match. (Booth listens to them intently as he stares at the monitor, perplexed) BRENNAN: (walking back over to the trammel, demonstrating) The angle and force of the blow suggest Brianna fell forward, was unable to break her fall, and caught her chin here. (The screen whites out and flashes briefly to a dark image of a parking stop as an X-ray skeletal version of Brianna falls forward, hitting her chin roughly against the cement, the bones of her neck snapping apart, before flashing back to Brennan in the present moment) BRENNAN: Broke her neck instantly. HODGINS: (calling out as he hurries over) Wanna hear about the steel? BOOTH: (holds up a hand, not even looking at Hodgins) In a minute. (to Brennan) So she was carried from the curb to the culvert? HODGINS: Dragged. (holds up a folder) Wanna hear about the steel? (Irritated, Booth looks over his shoulder at Hodgins) BOOTH: How do you know she was dragged? HODGINS: (looks to everyone on the platform) Remember the polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons I talked about? BOOTH: Absolutely not. HODGINS: Turns out that they weren't from roofing tar. They were from asphalt. (Booth squints, considering this information, trying to connect the dots) CAM: So what you found on her jacket was from her being dragged? HODGINS: (nodding vigorously) Exactly. (excited, raising his eyebrows) Wanna hear about the steel? (This time no one interrupts him -- they all exchange glances as he explains) HODGINS: It wasn't from work boots. It is the exact same steel used in tap shoes. (Booth looks weary) BOOTH: It's from another contestant. (Cam frowns, facing Hodgins in alarm as she absorbs this news. A kid may have killed another kid. Brennan's mouth forms a grim line as she looks to Booth.) END OF ACT THREE [SCENE_BREAK] ACT FOUR (Cut to: Close-up of Kristen Mitchell as she helps her daughter Ariel get dressed and made up for the latest pageant. Booth and Brennan wander through the dressing room where all the parents and young contestants are getting ready.) BRENNAN: Okay, Booth, you're looking for a tap-dancing beauty queen with scoliosis. BOOTH: Right. Gotcha. (stops in his tracks) Wait. Half these kids have tap shoes. BRENNAN: Well, we just need to examine the symmetry of their hips. BOOTH: (uncomfortable, gesturing away from her) I'll go with the shoes. You do your thing. (Close-up of a contestant's feet as she buckles up her tap shoes. Brennan steps up to a girl in a red dress, takes her by the shoulders and bends her forward, running her hands down her back, feeling her sides for asymmetry.) PAGEANT CONTESTANT #1: (startled) Oh! CONTESTANT'S MOTHER: Can I help you? What are you doing there? (Not finding what she needs, Brennan walks over to the next vanity where a girl sits on a stool. She again bends the child forward, running her hands down to the girl's hips.) BRENNAN: Excuse me. It's okay. I'm a scientist. PAGEANT CONTESTANT #2: (screaming) Molester! Molester! (Startled, Booth swivels around from where he was looking at tap shoes.) BRENNAN: (alarmed) What? BOOTH: Bones! (Brennan pulls her hands away immediately, shaking her head.) BRENNAN: No! BOOTH: What are you doing? (The offended young girl gapes at Brennan as if she's a disgusting monster. Parents and other contestants run over, staring at Brennan accusingly.) BRENNAN: (holding her hands up in defense) I'm -- I'm not a molester. I'm a forensic anthropologist. BOOTH: Okay. (holds up his badge in one hand and a tap shoe in the other) FBI business. Everybody just simmer down. PAGEANT CONTESTANT #2: (adamantly, to Booth) She touched me on my rear! BRENNAN: (to the little girl) No, back and rear have totally different connotations. (to Booth and the rest of the people surrounding her) Point of clarification. I touched her back. (A security guard marches up to Booth) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: Security guard's office at the hotel where the pageant is being held. The guard sits at his desk in front of the monitors; Booth and Brennan sit opposite him.) SECURITY GUARD: Look, scientist or not, FBI or not, she can't just ... go around feeling little girls. BRENNAN: (defensive) What? I wasn't feeling like that. That makes me sound like a pervert. BOOTH: Look, she was just -- she was just touching. That's all. (turns to Brennan for more of an explanation) BRENNAN: I was just ... well, examining, really. BOOTH: Examining, see? (the security guard cocks his head at both Booth and Brennan, undecided) Okay, listen, bud, we're after a murderer here, okay? Doctor Brennan just got a little overly excited ... SECURITY GUARD: How does feeling little girls solve a murder? BRENNAN: One of them is the murderer. BOOTH: Okay, look, I know that's hard to believe. SECURITY GUARD: (holds up a hand) You know what? It's really not. (Brennan and Booth exchange a surprised, disturbed look) SECURITY GUARD: So, what do you need? I mean, aside from the touching. BRENNAN: If I could just ... watch them? (The guard looks to Booth, who shrugs, parroting Brennan) BOOTH: Just watch. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: A montage playing to the tune of "I've Got Rhythm," as each of the pageant contestants takes her turn on stage. The performances are interspersed with shots of Booth and Brennan watching from the audience. Girls dancing, singing, twirling batons, playing instruments, even spinning hula hoops. At first they're merely studying the girls on the stage, but after a while, Brennan looks over and sees Booth dancing in his chair, enjoying the show. He stops and gives a sheepish grin when he notices her staring at him. He watches quietly for a while until a girl in a pink dress impresses him with her dancing and spinning around.) BOOTH: (clapping) That was good. (points her out to Brennan) That was good. (Brennan nods, as though she empirically cannot argue with him on that. As the montage continues, Brennan looks around the room and spies Jeremy Ferrell, hunched in his chair, watching the show. She nudges Booth who takes note of Jeremy's sullen presence. Brennan and Booth turn back to view the tap-dancing girl on stage, Jeremy's sister HALEY FERRELL. As she wraps up her dance, she momentarily turns away from the audience, allowing Brennan to see that her hips are not in exact alignment.) BRENNAN: That's her. (The smile drops off Booth's face as he watches Haley spin back toward the audience and hold her final pose. The audience claps appreciatively, and Haley runs down from the stage into the arms of her proud mother. Booth and Brennan watch in stunned silence and dismay.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: FBI Conference room. Donna sits at a long table with Haley at her side, while Jeremy stands near the window, rummaging through his backpack. He turns to see Brennan and Booth walking through the door.) JEREMY: Oh, dude. Not again. DONNA: I thought you said Jeremy was cleared. (Booth closes the door to the conference room and takes his place next to Brennan, standing with his hands folded in front of him.) BOOTH: We know it's not Jeremy. We'd like to talk to Haley for a moment. (Haley stands and grabs her mother's arm, looking up at her with frightened, pleading eyes) HALEY: No, I don't want to. DONNA: (speaking gently, as she takes a stand next to her daughter) This is a special day, Agent Booth. You're upsetting her. (Brennan makes her way around the table to stand near Haley) BRENNAN: Don't be afraid. BOOTH: (grave expression) No. You know, she should be afraid. (As Brennan kneels to the child's level, Haley sinks to her seat at the table, visibly upset) HALEY: (facing Brennan) I didn't do anything. I promise. BRENNAN: (compassionately) We know you didn't mean to, Haley. (Haley's mother sits down, stunned) DONNA: Honey, what did you do? (Haley looks to her brother, then to her mother, desperate. Booth leans forward over the back of the chair, positioning himself eye level with Haley.) BOOTH: (serious yet cautious tone) Yeah. What did you do? (Haley stares at Booth for a moment, then at Brennan, before turning to her mother) HALEY: (taking a sharp breath) Brianna said she was gonna buy me an ice cream. (her eyes fill with tears as she turns back to Brennan) But she just made fun of me. She said I was ugly. (Brennan nods sympathetically) She said I'd never win anything. BRENNAN: That must've hurt your feelings. HALEY: (crying) I didn't mean to push her so hard. Honest! (Booth straightens, exhausted and saddened by this admission. Haley's mother covers her mouth in disbelief, as Jeremy cringes, looking so stunned he might cry.) DONNA: Oh, God. Why didn't you tell me? HALEY: (barely able to get out the words) The pageant was starting. I wanted to win. (Haley wraps her arms around her mother, sobbing uncontrollably. Jeremy stares, horrified and upset for his little sister.) DONNA: (clinging to her daughter in alarm) Oh ... Oh, God. (Brennan watches with great empathy as Donna tries to hug and console her daughter. From where she kneels, Brennan looks up to Booth as if she wishes there were something he could do. Booth is silent, looking back at Brennan for a significant moment before glancing down regretfully at Donna and Haley. Stars of bright white light slowly obscure the scene.) [SCENE_BREAK] (The white light fades away to reveal Angela carrying a book, striding down the hallway to her office. As she enters the room, her pace falters at the sight of something in front of her. She turns away, mouth tight, and heads for her desk. At the far end of the room, Hodgins sits on Angela's couch. He's been waiting for her. He stands up and stuffs his hands into the front pockets of his jeans.) HODGINS: Hi. ANGELA: (not looking at him, her voice flat) Hi. HODGINS: We didn't really get a chance to talk today. ANGELA: Yeah. (she pauses) I was avoiding you. HODGINS: (shifts awkwardly where he stands) That whole ... swing thing -- wasn't -- good enough, right? 'Cause I can do better. (Angela looks over her shoulder at him in surprise. Turning to face him, she leans against her desk.) ANGELA: It was perfect. HODGINS: It was? ANGELA: Maybe the best date I've ever had. (He smiles) HODGINS: Really. (As she nods, he looks down, pleased) Great. That's great. (breathes out, relieved) Thanks. ANGELA: (quietly) Yeah. (She looks down at the carpet, her expression sad. Hodgins notices this immediately, his smile fading.) HODGINS: That's not great. (As he steps forward, Angela shifts uncomfortably) How can a great date be not great? ANGELA: (looking him squarely in the eye) Because it was supposed to fall flat. That way, we'd both know that this wasn't meant to be ... (There is a great space between them, as they stand, facing each other) ANGELA: ... and we'd go back to the way we were before. HODGINS: (taking another step forward) I don't like the way it was before. ANGELA: Look ... (she pauses, searching for words) ... Brennan is my best friend, and -- (she exhales) -- Zack is -- (half-laughs, shaking her head) -- whatever the hell he is, and -- (Hodgins is silent, listening) -- when this goes wrong, it -- it pulls everybody else into it. (anguished pause, as she struggles to express herself) And ... what the great ... date ... tells us is ... (she takes a deep breath) ... that when it goes wrong -- HODGINS: (his voice even, his expression like stone) It'll go really, really wrong. (Angela nods slowly, sadly, her voice coming out in a whisper) ANGELA: Yeah. (Hodgins studies her, but says nothing, his mouth almost -- but not quite -- forming a smile.) ANGELA: So ... (she shakes her head and takes a breath, looking away, looking down -- she can't seem to meet his eyes as she says these words) ... we go back, right? (Hodgins blinks. Angela takes another deep breath, and looks into his eyes, exhaling the word.) ANGELA: Friends. (She nods, almost to herself, her expression seemingly miserable but relatively certain. Hodgins pauses, understanding. He nods his assent.) HODGINS: Sure, friends. (Angela nods again, her gaze shifting from him to the floor and back to his face. She seems anxious, and melancholy, yet a little relieved.) HODGINS: Just one question. (he takes one final tentative step forward) What if it doesn't end that way? (smiling a little, his eyes bright and hopeful) What if it doesn't go wrong? (Angela looks at him a long moment, considering this. She swallows hard. Inhaling a pained breath, she glances down, gathering strength, before looking him in the eyes again, her voice rough with regret.) ANGELA: Friends. (Hodgins looks at her, defeated, and when he blinks this time, it's as if a shade has been drawn, the light leaving his eyes. He nods once, acknowledging, respecting her wishes. He realizes there is nothing he can do or say to change her mind, even as she avoids his eyes, biting the corner of her mouth, already looking like she wishes she could take it all back. Hodgins drops his gaze from her face, his mouth slightly open like he can't believe this is happening, like he had her and lost her in the blink of an eye. He turns away slowly, as if hoping she'll stop him, and for a moment she watches him, her mouth opening as if she might. But she says nothing, so he reaches down and gathers up his messenger bag. When he turns around this time, he avoids her eyes and slips past her without another word. She turns her head in his direction, but he's gone.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Fade to a heartbreakingly gorgeous sunset, the sky glowing orange, the sun's dwindling light framing the United States Capitol. Cut to a bright orange and yellow striped plate, with one glazed doughnut being cut in pieces. Brennan, wielding a plastic knife, sits with Booth at the table in the lounge area of the Jeffersonian.) BRENNAN: This is what happened when Rome fell. BOOTH: (spearing a doughnut from the nearby box and holding it up with one finger) What? Uh, people ate stale doughnuts? BRENNAN: Objectification of women, beauty as self-esteem. (Booth returns the pastry to the box and licks the icing off his fingers) BOOTH: Well, I think, um, you know, some of those kids actually had a good time. BRENNAN: (nodding) The girl in the pink could really dance. (ponders some more, as she eats a piece of her snack) But then again, Nero could really play the fiddle. BOOTH: (his voice contemplative) You know, Bones, I like to think that, um, someplace deep inside, people really know what's important. (He looks at her seriously) BRENNAN: It's hard to believe when you see women trying to disguise or change themselves. BOOTH: Mmm. BRENNAN: (popping another piece of doughnut into her mouth) I never understood that. BOOTH: (smiling) Well, I mean, no, of course you wouldn't. (he ducks his head) (Brennan's brow furrows) BRENNAN: Why? (He lifts his head, staring forward, formulating his words, not quite looking at her, not immediately) BOOTH: Well, it's just, you know -- (he finally meets her eyes) -- someone who looks like ... you ... (Brennan pauses, looking at him attentively as he searches for words) -- well, wouldn't -- (long pause as he looks into her eyes and nods) -- Just because of the way you look. BRENNAN: (shakes her head) I don't understand. What -- way do I look? (Her face is a baffled, curious expression) BOOTH: (faint smile) Well, you know, you're -- you're structured -- (he pauses, his voice low and his eyes soft) -- very well. (Brennan looks down, considering this. She smiles back at him.) BRENNAN: As are you. (Booth smiles, enjoying himself, but the expression fades when he looks to the level below and sees Cam, briefcase in hand, on her way out. She lifts her head toward the platform and sees him sitting with Brennan. Booth gets an odd look on his face, his eyes shifting from Cam, down to the table, then back to beam at Brennan for a flash of a moment, before he casts his eyes down at the table again. Brennan is still smiling. Booth sits back suddenly, letting out a tired groan.) BRENNAN: You okay? BOOTH: (studies her a moment, the hint of a happy smile on his face) Yeah. (However, just as quickly, the smile fades, and his body language shifts awkwardly) BOOTH: It's just -- (he looks away) -- whew. I just -- I remembered that I had an appointment. (He gets up to leave, pulling his coat off the back of the chair) BRENNAN: Oh. (nodding) So, um, I'll see you tomorrow? (she looks up at him expectantly) (Booth tenses his shoulders and shoots a look to where Cam has been standing in the doorway, watching him. She smiles. Booth looks to Cam for a long guilty moment, uncertain, then glances down and away. Cam says nothing; still smiling, she turns and gracefully exits the building. Booth turns back to Brennan.) BOOTH: (deciding) No. You know, you have all the paperwork for the case, right? (he puts his coat back on the chair) BRENNAN: No, I was -- I was gonna stay ... (she reaches for the folder next to her) ... do it anyway, so -- BOOTH: (nonchalant) No. No, I would -- you know, it's our case. I wanna help. BRENNAN: (chuckles) You don't have to, Booth. BOOTH: (lightly) Bones, just drop it, okay? (smiling, he lowers his voice, superhero-like) I'm here to help. BRENNAN: Well... what about your appointment? BOOTH: (shrugs) Uh, it's -- you know, it's no big deal. I'll tell you what. (he braces himself against the edge of the table, leaning in, smirking flirtatiously) How about I, ah, order some takeout and I ditch these doughnuts? (Brennan smiles, her eyes shining) BRENNAN: Sure. (Booth doesn't move, his face still close to hers. She smiles up at him, and he tilts his head, smiling back, as they seem to read each other's minds.) BOOTH and BRENNAN: (at the same time) Thai food? (They both grin widely, close to laughing. Booth takes a breath, and Brennan mirrors him, as they look into each other's eyes intently. Neither moves for the longest moment, until finally Booth points a finger at her, grinning.) BOOTH: This time, I'm ordering extra mee krob because you ate it last time. All of it. BRENNAN: (laughs) What? I thought you were done. BOOTH: Oh, right. (laughing, incredulous) I was done? BRENNAN: (nods emphatically) Yeah. BOOTH: You finished all of it. (He straightens, pulling his cell phone out of the back pocket of his jeans) BRENNAN: I did not. (grinning adamantly)You were pretty focused on the fried rice. (Booth sits back down at the table, phone poised in his hand) BOOTH: Can we just order? Okay? BRENNAN: Fine. (She pops another piece of doughnut into her mouth, watching him as he dials the number of the restaurant. They continue to talk and joke as the scene fades to black.) END OF SHOW.	Plan: A: a young beauty queen; Q: What was Brianna Swanson's profession? A: whose decomposed remains; Q: What is discovered at a water filtration plant? A: Brianna's father; Q: Who is the initial suspect in Brianna Swanson's death? A: Brianna's dance school; Q: Where did Brennan and Booth find new information leading to several suspects? A: several suspects; Q: What does the investigation of Brianna's dance school lead to? A: the nerve; Q: What does Hodgins work up to ask Angela out on a date? A: advice; Q: What does Angela seek from Brennan and Cam? Summary: Brennan and Booth investigate the death of Brianna Swanson, a young beauty queen whose decomposed remains are discovered at a water filtration plant. Brianna's father is the initial suspect, but new clues lead elsewhere. Brennan and Booth investigate Brianna's dance school, where they find new information leading to several suspects. Meanwhile, Hodgins works up the nerve to ask Angela out on a date. At first, she rejects due to their situation as co-workers but after seeking advice from Brennan and Cam, she agrees to go.
In the hotel room, Craig is sitting a chair surrounded by the mess he made when the phone rings Craig: (answering the phone) Hello? Ashley: Hey you're there. Finally. I, I called you last night. A couple times this morning. Craig: I must have had the ringer off. I couldn't really sleep. Ashley: You, you need me there with you. Mrs. Kerwin: Ash! We're due at the hairdressers. Ashley: Now I really wish I were there. Craig: Ash last night I asked you to marry me and you said no. Ashley: I did. Craig: Is there a reason you're calling me first thing? Being all nice?! Ashley: I, I can't marry you yet. But I want to. I do. Craig: So that's a someday? Ashley: That's a yes. Craig: Oww! Woo! (Hangs up the phone excited and looks at the ring) At the Dot Craig: I'm an idiot. Worse. A phenomenal idiot. No worse than that. An unbelievable... Marco: Look you sounded desperate on the phone okay, which is the only reason I'm here! Craig: Ashley's dad. His wedding's this afternoon. I need a suit. Marco: So buy a suit. Craig: A nice suit. Something expensive. Marco: So avoid cheap and ugly. Craig I don't see the drama here! Craig: Look I need to make an impression here. A good one with Ashley's family and a great one with Ashley! Marco: So uh what are we shopping with exactly? Craig: (pulls out the credit card) Solid gold my friend. (A montage of Craig and Marco going on a shopping spree buying tons of stuff.) Dylan: Hey! Marco! Craig! Sorry I'm late. Marco: No problem. My work here is done. Craig: And I have a gay wedding to go to. I'm so glad that gay's can get married! That you two can get married! You gays! I mean if you ever wanted to. Great, great! Dylan: Thanks. For the support...? In the auditorium Liberty: So we're 100% doing this? Click clock, working together? JT: Raditch isn't gonna know what hit him. Same blonde kid: Later on you will understand how some men so loved her that they could sacrifice so, so... so close. Alex: You got Raditch to change his mind about the play? JT: Not yet. Dracula is staked for now. Blonde kid: You couldn't tell me this yesterday? I'm wasting my Saturday rehearsing what exactly? Emma: The Radish Song. JT: Yes the Radish Song. Sung to the tune twinkle, twinkle little star. Blonde kid: Radishes, radishes, not so sweet! Manny: Red and round, gross to eat. Mmm gets even more wicked in an evil sense, but there's no way I'm doing this. Liberty: But it's a song of rebellion. Our not so silent protest against tyranny and oppression. Alex: I'm all about rebellion. Not so much into getting expelled over a play. Emma: Sorry guys. A for effort though. JT: You can't just leave! United we stand, divided we suck. Manny: Um if I leave now I can still catch my dad. JT: Click clock eh? In the elevator at the hotel Craig: (talking to some random guy) Nice day. It's not too warm. Bought this suit. It's for my girlfriend's wedding. Of her father. To another guy! Let me start that again. Her father's uh, her father's getting married, which is why looking good's important. What do you think? That look good? Yeah, maybe great? Oh my floor. My gosh. Bye. (Sees a bunch of hotel personal in his room examining the damage) Wrong floor! Crazy, crazy me! In Jimmy's hotel room Craig: Where's your bathroom? Jimmy: Uh it's a bathroom in a bag. I'd go into details but I'm eating. Craig: I got news! Big news! You ready? (He starts stripping down haha) Jimmy: What!? No. Hold on! Craig: First wedding I ever went to was my mom's to Joey. Spike and Simpson's was number two. Ash's dad makes three. See I want to get my practice down, you know? Get things right before my own wedding. Jimmy: Okay you got time for that. Craig: I asked Ashley and she said yes. Jimmy: You're actually getting married?! Craig: Congratulations! Anytime... Jimmy: You're 16. Don't you want to wait for I don't know, graduation? Maybe an occupation? Craig: (trying to button his cuffs) Could you do this? Please? Jimmy: Are you drunk? Are you high? Or are you just out of your mind? Craig: I love her! Jimmy: Okay that still doesn't explain what's up with you or this insane idea! Craig: Maybe you should just think about it and try to understand. I don't know. Be happy for me! At the wedding The lady marrying them: We're brought here by one thing, love. It's a strange thing love. There's a million poems about it, songs, Hollywood movies too. It's like we're trying to tack it down, trying to figure love out, but no words can define love. Just like no laws can properly restrict it. Only thing certain is love is necessary to all of us. That's why it's my great pleasure in front of all these people to declare this union official. This union of love. (Mr. Kerwin and Chris kiss and everyone starts clapping for them.) At Joey's house Joey: It's here at least it should be. Caitlin do you have enough cash to pay for the Chinese food? Caitlin: Can't you put it on your card? Joey: Well either it's missing or Craig has stolen it. I can't believe that kid. Spike: Ah, happy house painting. My treat. Joey: Thanks Spike. Mr. Simpson: Joey um, how's Craig been lately? Joey: He's gonna be a lot worse when I'm done with him. Mr. Simpson: Actually I'm a bit concerned. Joey: I'm concerned too. Caitlin's got first dibs on the chow mein. Mr. Simpson: Joey...Craig's dad he wasn't the most stable guy was he? Joey: Craig is nothing like his dad alright? He's just being a teenager. Mr. Simpson: I see a lot of teenagers every day and I'm afraid Craig's going through something more. Joey: Look Snake, I appreciate your worry okay? But there's nothing wrong with Craig that a good grounding won't take care of alright. (The phone rings.) Caitlin: It's for you. Joey: Hello? This is Mr. Jeremiah. Damages? My hotel room? How much?!? Back at the wedding Mrs. Kerwin: No seriously. As Robert's ex wife it's not usual I'd be here, especially since he's marrying someone younger and prettier than me. Our family may be unusual but it's one I'm thankful for as I'm sure is our lovely daughter. Stand up Ashley. Craig: (Craig stands up with her) Hi. Hi I'm Craig Manning. I'm only Ashley's boyfriend. I'm not part of the unusual family Mrs. Kerwin's talked about. Not yet! Mrs. Kerwin: Is there a toast in this Craig? Craig: There is an announcement. Ashley: Craig, don't. Craig: Ash and I are getting married. Ashley: Craig! Craig: (raises his glass as Ashley's family looks stunned) To us! Outside the wedding Craig: Hey, where are you going? Ashley: What the hell was that?! Craig: I saw your dad get married. Ashley: Oh, oh and you thought perfect time to announce our future life! Craig: This morning you said that you wanted to be together! Ashley: And right now I'm changing my mind. Sally: Ashley, are you okay? Ashley: I will be as soon as Craig leaves. Craig: You are everything Ash. Ashley: Craig I want you to go home now. Craig: Okay. Okay. Alright, but I have to do something first. Ashley: That's not home Craig! Craig: I have to talk to you, both of you and Kate. Mr. Kerwin: Craig please not in front of the guests. Craig: It's urgent. Mrs. Kerwin: Ashley could you please ask Craig to wait outside. Ashley: I'm trying mom. Craig: I love Ashley and to have to keep, have to keep proving that is disrespectful and it's obnoxious! Chris: We can talk about this later. Craig: Oh we can, but we won't! You're gonna tell Ash to stop seeing me again and this time, this time she's gonna listen! Chris: We can discuss this on the driveway. Craig: No, let me go! (Craig falls onto a table and it breaks spilling stuff everywhere.) Craig: Don't! (He stands up and walks out) [SCENE_BREAK] In the auditorium Liberty: The enemy approaches. Finally. Mr. Raditch: Where's the drama club? JT: Oh well you know actors. Notoriously late. Mr. Raditch: You've made some progress I assume? Liberty: We've progressed sir and we'd like to sign our progress for you. Mr. Raditch: Ready when you are JT. Ready for some lighthearted fun. JT: Picture it. The mid 1980's. Liberty: What? JT: Our heroine, Degrassi's cafeteria worker has just seen E.T. Liberty: That's not the setup. JT: Just play the song please Liberty. (She starts playing the piano.) JT: (singing) Oh these hallowed halls of stone, make me want to dial home. Look way up into the sky, Degrassi's name is writ real high! Liberty: And those aren't the words. Mr. Raditch: Those were fine words Liberty. Liberty: A student died in this school Mr. Raditch and fuzzy songs with awkward choreography isn't going to help us deal with it. JT: Uh Liberty... Liberty: (singing) Radishes, radishes not so sweet. Red and round and gross to eat. (Stops singing) They have power and cruel little voices saying I run Degrassi, you have no choices. Ugly and mean and slightly obscene. Stubbornness radishes I've ever seen. Mr. Raditch: Interesting song. I'd appreciate a reprisal. Monday in detention both of you. At the wedding, Ashley is sitting at a table crying Craig: (calling Ashley from a pay phone, he's crying and she won't pick up) Ash I need you. Need you...I need you! Ash I need you! (He starts slamming the phone) At Joey's house Craig: Joey's not here is he? Caitlin: No he's out looking for you. What happened? Your hand! I'll get you a towel. Craig: I should clean up. Angela: Daddy's mad you know. Craig: Angie... listen to me. I need you to give this to Ashley. Angela: Can I open it? Craig: It's just a ring. (She nods and he kisses her forehead) I love you most. At the wedding Mr. Kerwin: Ashley, Mr. Jeremiah would like to talk to you. Joey: Where's Craig? Ashley: I don't know. He's not here anymore. Joey: But you know where he is though right? Look I know about the hotel room. Mrs. Kerwin: Hotel room?! Ashley: Great. Joey: What I don't understand is why did you trash it?! $4000 in damages! Ashley: I didn't... Craig. He must have done it last night after he proposed. Joey: Proposed?! Mrs. Kerwin: Craig has problems. He's got a lot of problems. Ashley: No, no mom he's not like this. Not ever. Joey, tell her! Joey: What do I do?! What is happening to my son? Back at Joey's Caitlin: (reading to Angie) Dashed down the steps and across my yard being careful to stay away from the lights. Craig: Can you give something to Joey? Caitlin: Craig we know you stole the credit card. Craig: It's a check for $3000. It's all I have. Joey's credit card is in there too. Caitlin: Where are you going? Craig: Back to the wedding...Marco's...nowhere. (Joey walks in.) Craig: The place looks great. I barely recognized it. Joey: Sit down. Craig: Caitlin's got your card. Joey: You're not going anywhere. There's something not right with you. Craig: I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. Joey: Sit down. Craig: Don't do that! (He pushes Joey against the wall) Joey: I'm trying to help you here! (Craig jumps on Joey and starts pounding him over and over again) Caitlin: Craig! Stop it! Craig! Stop it! Ashley: (walks in) Craig! Craig! Calm down. Craig! Craig: You came back! Angela: Daddy! Daddy! Ashley: (Craig tries to kiss her) Yeah, yeah I did. Craig: After everything that happened, after all that I did you came back. Ashley: Craig you need help. Angela: Daddy are you okay? (Craig looks at Joey bleeding on the floor and he starts crying.) Ashley: We're gonna get you help. In a classroom JT: Don't think of it as detention, think of us as acts of delight (?). Thanks I'm here all week. Liberty: I don't know why you're here. I'm the one that sang the stupid song. JT: Yeah, but it was totally worth it. The look on Raditch's face when he fired us! Liberty: Not helping JT. JT: I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I chickened out, but what you did, the way that you stood up to Raditch, took guts. Brilliant. Liberty: You know what I wish I'd done? (She leans in and kisses him.) Liberty: I've crushed on you for four years! (He kisses her back.) JT: My stomach hurts a little. At the hospital Craig: I still can't sleep. I've got 17 new songs. More in a week than I've written my whole life. Ashley: But, you're okay? Craig: I'm crazy Ash. Ashley: You're not crazy. Craig: Well then explain the medication and this trendy bracelet on my wrist and explain why despite everything they tell me I feel fine. Ashley: You're bipolar. You've got a chemical imbalance in your brain, but you're getting help. Craig: Maybe you should go. Ashley: I don't want to. Craig: Look I won't blame you if you want to leave. Just go. If I'm sick like they say I am, I'm gonna be managing this for the rest of my life. Medications, shrinks... Ashley: I'm not leaving Craig. Craig: The first time we dated was a disaster. This time was a nuclear. Ashley: We're not over. Craig: So you're here with me? Ashley: Absolutely.	Plan: A: Ashley; Q: Who realizes that Craig's mood swings are more than what she thought? A: destructive behavior; Q: What does Craig start to display when he spirals into a deep depression? A: detention; Q: What do Liberty and J.T. land themselves in? A: Liberty; Q: What character and J.T. share a moment that brings them closer together? Summary: Ashley realizes that Craig's mood swings are more than what she thought they would be as he spirals into a deep depression and starts to display destructive behavior. Meanwhile, after landing themselves in detention, Liberty and J.T. share a moment that brings them closer together.
Peter: Lydia. Lydia, Lydia! Lydia, Lydia! Lydia: Leave me alone. Peter: Unfortunately, I can't. At least not yet. Lydia: Are you real? Peter: Interestingly - that question can also be. Answered, "not yet." I promise everything's going to get back to normal, Lydia. All that you have to do - Is every single thing I ask. Peter: Timing is key here, Lydia. It all needs to happen by the next full moon. Do you know what they call the full moon in march? It's called the worm moon. They call it that because it's the last full moon of. Winter, and the worms would literally crawl out of the earth as it thawed. Kind of has the feel of a rebirth, doesn't it? Lydia: But the full moon is on Wednesday. That's my birthday. Peter: Exactly. And Lydia's birthday is always the party of the year, isn't it? Everyone wants to go to this party. So we're going to make it a very special party. Lydia: And what if I don't? Peter: I think it's best that we just make a plan and stick to it. That way no one gets hurt. Lydia: Why me? Peter: Because Lydia Martin is not only beautiful, not only incredibly intelligent. She's immune. Lydia: Immune to what? Peter: Oh, that's right. They haven't told you, have they? Bet you've felt like the last to know for a long time. Doesn't feel good, does it? You deserve to know everything. It's probably best if I just show you. Chris: It's not that deep, okay? Victoria: It's all right. I'll clean it myself. Chris: It's not that bad. We don't know. We can't know. Not for sure. Gerard: It's a bite from an Alpha. Chris: She's my wife. Allison's mother. Gerard: And I'm the cold - hearted patriarch holding his family to its commitments. We all have our roles. Just don't expect me to play poisoned king to your Hamlet of a son. Not with a full moon coming. Chris: What about Allison? How am I supposed to get her through this? We just buried Kate. Gerard: Then tell me, how long is long enough? When exactly do you think Allison will be emotionally prepared enough to handle the death of her mother? Chris: She can't lose her too. Gerard: Ah, you're getting your tenses mixed up. Your wife is already dead, and that thing over there is just a cocoon waiting to hatch. Derek: I'm saying we need a new plan, because next time, one of us is gonna be too hurt to heal. Scott: Ugh, I get it. We can't save Jackson. Derek: We can't seem to kill him either. I've seen a lot of things, Scott. I've never seen anything like this. Every new moon's just gonna make him stronger. Scott: But how do we stop him? Derek: I don't know. I don't even know if we can. Scott: Maybe we should just let the Argents handle it. Derek: I'm the one who turned him. It's my fault. Scott: Yeah, but you didn't turn him into this. I mean, this happened because of something in his past, right? Derek: That's a legend in a book. It's not that simple. Scott: What do you mean? What are you not telling me? Derek: Why do you think I'm always keeping something from you? Scott: Because you always are keeping something from me. Derek: Well, maybe I do it to protect you. Scott: Doesn't being part of your pack mean no more secrets? Derek: Go home, Scott. Sleep. Heal. Make sure your friends are safe. 'Cause the full moon's coming. And with the way things are going, I've got a feeling it's onna be a rough one. Matt: So, um, about that incredibly bad idea I had. Allison: You mean the kiss? Matt: Yeah, that's the one. Allison: Don't worry about it. Matt: For real? Allison: Definitely. Matt: So what's going on with you and Scott? Are you guys - you guys still together or - or what? Allison: Not really. Matt: Not really. I - God, I hate not reallys. You never know what to do with not really. Allison: Would you understand if I said it was complicated? Matt: Not really. But I'll try. Matt: Open the window. Heh. Forgot my bag. Allison: Yeah, yeah. Matt: Some good pictures in there, don't you think? Allison: Yeah, the lacrosse ones are amazing. You're really talented. I was - I was - I was really impressed. Matt: There is a good candid of you in there too. Allison: Really? Matt: You can see some of the others if you'd like. I mean, this - This tiny little screen doesn't really do it justice, but, uh, I could show you some on my computer. Allison: Oh, I would totally like that, but maybe another night. Matt: Well, just for a few minutes. Allison: It's getting kind of late. Matt: It's the weekend. Allison: I know, but I - You know, I - Matt: And it's spring break. I mean, you don't have a thing going on tomorrow. Do you? Allison: I should really get going. Matt: You sure? Allison: I'm sure. Matt: Okay. Isaac: What is that? Boyd: It's a triskele. Spirals mean different things - Past, present, future. Mother, father, child. Derek: You know what it means to me? Boyd: Alpha, beta, omega? Derek: That's right. It's a spiral. Reminds us that we can all rise to one or fall to another. Betas can become alphas, but alphas can also fall to betas or even omegas. Isaac: Like Scott? Derek: Scott's with us. Isaac: Really? Then where is he now? Derek: He's looking for Jackson. Don't worry, he's not gonna have it easy tonight either. None of us will. There's a price you pay for this kind of power. You get the ability to heal, but tonight you're gonna want to kill anything you can find. Erica: Good thing I had my period last week, then. Derek: Well, this one's for you. Lydia: Clear your schedule. This could take a while. Allison: How many outfits do you plan on wearing tonight? Lydia: It's my birthday party. I'm thinking host dress, evening dress, then, mm, after - hours casual. Allison: I noticed that you didn't send out any invites. Lydia: It's the biggest party of the year, Allison. Everyone knows. Allison: I was wondering if maybe this year things, you know, might be different. Lydia: Why would anything be different? Allison: Just 'cause things have been off lately. Things and people. Like Jackson. Lydia: What do you care about Jackson? Allison: Do you know if he's coming tonight? Lydia: Everyone's coming. This one's American rag. Mm, I love it. For me, not you. This one's material girl. It's for you. Ms. Argent. What do you think of this one? Victoria: Oh, it's lovely. Allison, uh, can I grab you for a moment to talk? Just the two of us. Allison: Um, can we do it later? Victoria: Actually, uh, to be honest, sooner would be - would be better. Lydia: Party's at 10:00. Victoria: Um, will you be around before then? Allison: I think so. Victoria: You think so. Allison: I don't know. Allison: You think so? Lydia: Oh, I guess that black one would fit. All right, here you go. No, it's too much. Allison: I think I like it. Lydia: You like it? Allison: Yeah, no, I do. Happy Birthday. Lydia: Oh, thank you. I actually appreciate that. Sheriff: Hey, whatcha doing? Stiles: Homework. Sheriff: It's spring break. What do you think you're doing? Stiles: Oh, I'm just satisfying my own curiosity. Sheriff: We brought Harris in this morning for questioning. They brought him in. Stiles: And? Sheriff: And they're working on a warrant to arrest him for the murders. Stiles: For all of them? Sheriff: Enough of them. Stiles: With what proof? Sheriff: You remember the couple at the trailer? Tire tracks nearby match Harris's car. Stiles: W - that's not enough. Sheriff: The same car was also seen outside the hospital where the pregnant wife was killed. It's got some bumper sticker on it, a quote from Einstein. Stiles: Wait, what quote? Sheriff: Something about imagination and knowledge. Stiles: Imagination is more important than knowledge, yeah. I saw the same car parked outside the rave. Sheriff: That means you're a witness. You're gonna have to give a statement. Stiles: But, what about the concert promoter, Kara? She wasn't in Harris's class, right? I mean, what does Mr. Lahey have to do with Harris? Sheriff: It doesn't matter. The tire tracks put Harris at the site of three murders. That's damning evidence. Stiles: No, it's not enough. Sheriff: I - I thought you hated this guy. Stiles: I don't hate him, all right? He hates me. And, you know, if he'd killed them all, then yeah, lock the psycho up. But there's something missing. There's gotta be something missing. Sheriff: Hey. Hey. You don't have to solve this for me. Stiles: No, I have to do something. What? Sheriff: Look at the swim team. Stiles: Dad, the coach. It's Isaac's dad. [SCENE_BREAK] Lydia: Jackson. You're coming to my party, right? Jackson: You don't want me there. Trust me. Lydia: Don't worry about it. I'm over it. Look, of course I want you - Jackson: You do not want me there. Lydia: I'll see you there. Allison: For Lydia. Kids: Whoo, party! Stiles: Happy Birthday! Yeah! Coming in. Oh, whoa. Can't. Okay. You know, you don't - can you just grab that side, maybe? Lydia: Don't forget to try the punch. Stiles: Have you seen Jackson anywhere? Scott: No. Seen Allison? Stiles: No, but we should probably tell her what we found. Scott: I'm still kind of not sure what we found. Stiles: I figured out it has something to do with water. You know, the fact that all the victims were on the swim team, the way the kanima reacted around the pool. Scott: So whoever's controlling the kanima really hates the swim team? Stiles: Hated the swim team. Specifically, the 2006 swim team. So it could be another teacher. Maybe like a student back then. I mean, who are we missing though? What haven't we thought of? Allison: Uh, Jackson's not here. Stiles: Yeah, no one's here. Scott: Maybe it's just early. Stiles: Or maybe nobody's coming because Lydia's turned into the town whackjob. Allison: Well, we have to do something, because we've completely ignored her for the past two weeks. Scott: She's completely ignored Stiles the past ten years. Stiles: I prefer to think of it as me not having been on her radar yet. Scott: We don't owe her a party. Allison: What about the chance to get back to normal? Scott: Normal? Allison: She wouldn't be the town whackjob if it wasn't for us. Scott: I guess I could use my co - captain status to get the lacrosse team here. Stiles: Yeah, I also know some people who can get this thing going. Like, really going. Allison: Who? Stiles: I met them the other night. Let's just say they know how to party. Lydia: And you are? Phoenix: We're here for the party. Lydia: Well, come on in. Don't touch anything. Boyd: What if we break free? Derek: Then you'll do anything you can to get out of here. Probably try to kill me, then kill each other and kill anything else with a heartbeat. I need you to hold her. Isaac: So how come she gets to wear the headband? Derek: Because she'll be able to withstand more pain than the two of you. I've got an extra one if you really want it. Isaac: I'll pass. Derek: You ready? Erica: Yeah. Stiles: Are you gonna apologize to Allison or what? Scott: Why should I apologize? Stiles: Because you're the guy. It's, like, what we do. Scott: But I didn't do anything wrong. Stiles: Then you should definitely apologize. See, any time a guy thinks he hasn't done anything wrong, it means he's definitely done something wrong. Scott: I'm not apologizing. Stiles: Is that the full moon talking, buddy? Scott: Probably. Why do you care, anyway? Stiles: Because, Scott, something's gotta go right here. I mean, we're getting our asses royally kicked, if you haven't noticed. People are dying. I got my dad fired. You're gonna be held back in school. I'm in love with a nutjob. And if on top of all that, I gotta watch you lose Allison to a stalker like Matt, I'm gonna stab myself in the face. Scott: Don't stab yourself in the face. Stiles: Why not? Scott: Because Jackson's here. Lydia: Glad you could make it. Isaac: How do you not feel this? Derek: I feel every second of it. Isaac: Then how do you control it? Derek: Find an anchor. Something meaningful to you. Bind yourself to it. Keep the human side in control. Isaac: What is it for you? Derek: Anger. But it doesn't have to be that for everybody. Isaac: You mean Scott? Derek: Yeah. All right, that should do it. Victoria: You really thought I would do this using prescription pills. Chris: According to gender statistics, most women - but you're not most women. Victoria: I'll go upstairs and write the letter. Gerard: Don't hesitate because of Allison. She'll feel the ground shifting beneath her feet time and again in her life. It is our job to teach her how to keep standing. Chris: The ground isn't shifting. It's crumbling. Gerard: You want easy? Change your last name. Otherwise, go up there and help your wife die with dignity. Because if she doesn't fall on her own sword, one of us is gonna have to run her through. Scott: Uh, I can't drink tonight. Lydia: All right, what is with the two of you? Scott: Oh, no, Stiles is drinking. Lydia: Not Stiles. You and Allison. I don't care why you have to keep your little love affair so secret, but right here and right now seems like the perfect time just - to have a good time. Scott: You know something? You're right. Lydia: See? Isn't it good? Scott: Actually, yeah. Really good. Allison: You get two minutes. Matt: Okay. Uh, right. So I know I took some pictures of you that I should've told you about. But is it really that bad that - that I think you're beautiful - and I think you should be the subject of a perfect photograph? Allison: Um, Matt, some of those pictures I - I don't even know how you took them. Matt: Telephoto lens. I mean, come on, Allison. Photographers call them candids. Allison: Well, police officers call it stalking. Matt: Stalking. So I'm - I'm a stalker now. That's - is that it? You - you think my bedroom is wallpapered with your photos. You think I'm the kind of guy that's gonna say something like, "well, if I can't have her, no one can." Well, you know what? Get over yourself, because there's another pretty girl walking through the room every five minutes. Allison: Well, then, all you have to do is wait another three. Good luck. Matt: Allison, wait. What is the matter with you? Allison: I'm sorry. I'm so - I'm so sorry. Allison: No. No, not here. Scott. Scott! Allison. Look at you. Yelling for help. Always yelling for help. It's pathetic, Allison. You - you have no idea how much I've been looking forward to this. Stiles: You feeling okay? Scott: It's not the moon. It's different. Sheriff: Why am I wearing black? What are you, an idiot? I just came from a funeral. You know, people wear black at funerals. Kid: Dude, chill. It was just - Sheriff: Get out of my face. Sheriff: It's you. It's all you. You know, every day I saw her lying that hospital slowly dying - I thought, "how the hell am I supposed to raise this stupid kid on my own? This hyperactive little bstrd who keeps ruining my life?" It's all you. It's you, Stiles. You killed your mother. You hear me? You killed her. And now you're killing me. Victoria: I didn't get a chance to talk to her, so I want to do it here, where I can be with her. Hm. And I think I'm gonna need your help. Scott: Lydia. Jackson's Mother: His name is Jackson. We're looking for Jackson Whittemore. Jackson's Father: Has anyone seen Jackson? We're his parents. Lydia: Mr. Whittemore? Jackson's Father: No, we're his real parents. Jackson: No, no. Jackson's Mother: Could someone tell him we're here? Jackson's Father: Tell him we're his real parents. Scott: You guys seen Lydia? You know where Lydia is? Have you seen Lydia? Lydia? Where's Lydia? Derek: Scott, can you call me back? I'm probably gonna need some help. Definitely gonna need some help. Derek: Isaac! Scott: Stiles, look at me. Drink the water. Stiles, drink it. Something's happening, and I need you to sober up right now. Come on, Stiles. Danielle: What do you think you are doing? You want to sober him up fast, that's not the way to do it. Scott: You can do better? Danielle: I can do best, boy. Whoo! How do you feel? Stiles: Like I might have to revisit my policy on hitting a girl. Danielle: He's sober. Chris: Wait. Victoria: I can feel it. It's happening. You know what to do. You know what to tell people. Tell them I had a history of depression. Promise me. Chris: I will. I will, even though I've never seen you depressed once in 20 years. Victoria: Allison needs to say it too. Chris: But I won't let her believe it. Victoria: She'll hear things. People will say I was weak. They'll say I took the easy way out. Chris: And I'll tell her it was the hardest thing you ever did. Victoria: And they'll ask, how could I do this to my family? Chris: She'll know you did it for us. Victoria: I can't do this myself. Chris. Help me. Victoria: Now. Derek: Think you'll be okay now. Looks like you found an anchor. Isaac: My father. Derek: Your father locked you in a freezer in the basement to punish you. Isaac: He didn't use to. Allison: No. No. No, dad. No, dad! If this is some kind of sick training session you had - you better tell me! You better tell me! Chris: No. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Allison: You - Chris: I'm sorry. Allison: What happened? What hap - Chris: Oh, sweetie, shh. Allison: What - Chris: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Stiles: Hey, I can't find her. And, dude, anyone who drank that crap, they're freaking out. Scott: I can see that. Stiles: What the hell do we do? Scott: I don't know, but we gotta - Matt: I can't swim! No, no, no, no, stop, guys! I can't swim! I can't swim! I can't - I can't - Matt: What are you looking at? Kid: The cops are here. Party's over! Derek: Lydia. Lydia. Lydia, stop. You don't know what you're doing. Peter: I heard there was a party. Don't worry, I invited myself.	Plan: A: Stiles; Q: Who realizes that all the murder victims were on the Beacon Hills High swim team? A: Isaac's father; Q: Who was the coach of the Beacon Hills High swim team? A: Lydia's birthday party; Q: At what party does Lydia spike the punchbowl with wolfsbane petals? A: Lydia; Q: Who spikes the punchbowl with wolfsbane petals? A: the Hale house; Q: Where does Lydia bring Derek to? A: Peter; Q: Who uses Derek's blood to come back to life? A: Victoria; Q: Who kills herself so that she would not become a werewolf? A: the Kanima's master; Q: What is Matt's role in the Kanima's plot? Summary: Stiles realizes that all the murder victims were on the Beacon Hills High swim team and the coach at the time was Isaac's father. At Lydia's birthday party, Lydia spikes the punchbowl with wolfsbane petals, causing all the party attendees to hallucinate the things they fear most. She attacks Derek and brings him to the Hale house, where Peter uses Derek's blood to come back to life. Victoria kills herself so that she would not become a werewolf. It is revealed that Matt is the Kanima's master.
-[Storybrooke]- (Hook's ship is anchored at the docks of Storybrooke. Seeing that the coast is clear, Hook jumps off the boat. He then proceeds to assist Cora off the ship.) Hook: Well, my dear Cora, this is where we shall part ways. Thank you for everything. It's time for me to skin my crocodile. (As Hook turns to leave, Cora magically disappears, and then reappears in front of him.) Cora: You might want to rethink this. Hook: We had a deal. Get out of my way. Cora: Believe it or not, I'm doing you a favour. Hook: By preventing my vengeance? Cora: Ask yourself how I'm doing that. Hook: By using your dark magic. Cora: Exactly. Magic is here. And that makes matters a bit more complicated. If you go off half-cocked after an empowered Rumpelstiltskin, do you know what'll happen? So, you do. Good. (A fisherman spots the two on the pier and approaches them.) Man: Hey. You folks need anything? Tackle shop don't open until morning. But, if you want to go out and try and snare some of New England's finest pescatarian creatures, I'd be happy to open early for ya. Hook: No, thank you. We're fine. Man: It's a fine vessel you got there. When'd you get in? Cora: What vessel? Man: W-Why that one right... (Cora waves her hand and the ship turns invisible.) Man: Hey, that's a neat trick. You some kind of magician back in our land? (Annoyed, Cora magically transforms the man into a fish. As it flops on the dock, Hook kicks it into the water.) Hook: What did you do with my ship? Cora: I hid it from prying eyes. For what we both want to do, we need the element of surprise. Now you ready to listen to me? Hook: Go on, Your Majesty. What now? Cora: Let's go have a little look at this Storybrooke, shall we? [SCENE_BREAK] (Mary Margaret and David are in bed at Mary Margaret's apartment.) David: What are you thinking? MMB: That it's good to be back. David: Yeah? And what are you really thinking? MMB: Twenty-eight years is too long to wait between- (Suddenly, Emma and Henry return home from shopping.) Henry: Hey! Guess what? Taco shells were on sale. Emma: Apparently, tacos? Not a big item in the Enchanted- (Henry and Emma both pause when they see them in bed.) Henry: What are you guys still doing in bed? It's the middle of the afternoon. MMB: The trip back was tiring, and I needed to rest. David: And I needed to... Help her rest. Emma: Uh, let's... Let's go make the tacos. We have to make a lot, because there's going to be a ton of people at Granny's welcome back party tonight. (Henry heads to the kitchen, while the three of them whisper.) MMB: We thought you were going to be back later. Emma: Yeah, well, we weren't. So maybe next time, you could put a tie on the door, or send a text, or... You know what? I'm... I'm... Going to go make some tacos. (Emma leaves to join Henry.) David: It's impressive that we can still provide her with a few traumatic childhood memories at this stage of the game. -[Fairy Tale Land - Past]- (The Evil Queen, armored and on horseback, is on a hill overlooking King George's kingdom. Below, she watches as it burns. Several of her men arrive on horseback.) Guard: My Queen. We've received word. Snow White and the Prince have defeated King George. His army has fallen. The kingdom is theirs. Evil Queen: And what of George? Guard: His fate is unknown. But, without his forces, we are now alone. We cannot defeat them. Evil Queen: Do not tell me what we can or can't do. Where is Snow White now? Guard: Alone, on her way back to meet the Prince. Evil Queen: Excellent. I don't care how many men you lose - keep them apart long enough for me to find her. I will not let them defeat me. (Snow White runs through the woods, until she trips over a rock on the ground, causing the Evil Queen to catch up to her.) Evil Queen: Leaving the battle so soon? Snow White: The battle's over, Regina. Our army is too great. You can't win. Evil Queen: Well, that all depends on your definition of victory. Snow White: I offer you parley - to negotiate the terms of your surrender. Evil Queen: My surrender? Fair enough. My terms are quite simple... Your death. Snow White: Now! (The Evil Queen prepares to attack, but stops as the Blue Fairy and Prince Charming arrive. The Blue Fairy shoots a blast of blue magic at the Evil Queen, which causes her to become immobilized.) Evil Queen: It was all a trap. Snow White: You should've surrendered when I gave you the chance. Prince Charming: We knew you couldn't resist going after Snow. And now, because of your bloodlust, the kingdom is ours. Your reign of evil is over. -[Storybrooke]- (The citizens of Storybrooke have gathered at Granny's Diner for a welcome home celebration. The Charming family enters. Everyone cheers, and Ruby rushes towards Mary Margaret for a hug.) Ruby: I wasn't worried a bit. MMB: I can tell. Archie: Oh, we all missed you. (The two of them hug. Elsewhere, Emma presents Granny with a tray of tacos.) Emma: Tacos. I cannot tell you the relief of cooking something that I didn't have to kill first. Granny: Don't I know it. Meat loaf back home? What a bitch. David: I just wanted to, uh, thank you all for joining us tonight. Mary Margaret and I - we have a saying... That we will always find each other. And, while I believe that with all my heart, I'd like you all to raise your glasses and join me when I say... Here's to not having to look for a while. To Mary Margaret and Emma! (As everyone clinks glasses, Regina enters with a casserole dish.) Regina: Sorry I'm late. (Leroy grabs a knife.) Leroy: What is she doing here? Emma: I invited her. (Mary Margaret takes Emma to the side along with David.) Emma: We're celebrating today because of Regina. She helped us get home. No matter what she did in the past, we owe her our thanks now. MMB: Didn't you think to tell us about it? Emma: I did, but you two were a little busy this afternoon. MMB: Emma, she tried to kill us - yesterday! Emma: No, she didn't. She's trying to change for Henry. He believes in her. And, right now, that's enough for me. I couldn't have changed if I wasn't given a chance, so... She gets one, too. (Henry sits with Regina as she slices the lasagna she brought.) Henry: I'm glad you came. Regina: Me, too. (She sees Leroy and offers him a piece of lasagna.) Regina: Oh, I made a lasagna. Leroy: What's the secret ingredient? Poison? Regina: Red pepper flakes. Gives it some kick. (Leroy suspiciously sniffs the lasagna, but takes it. Later in the evening, the party is winding down. People have split off into groups to talk, while Regina sits alone in one of the booths. She grabs her coat and decides to leave. Emma sees Regina exit, and follows her outside.) Emma: Archie made a cake. You don't want to stay for a piece? Regina: I'm fine, thank you. Emma: Okay. (Emma turns to go back inside.) Regina: Thank you. Emma: You just said that. Regina: F-For inviting me. Emma: Henry wanted it. I'm glad you guys got to spend some time together. Regina: Me, too. I'd like to see him more. Maybe you'd consider letting him stay over some time. I... I have his room just... Just waiting for him. Emma: Oh... I'm... I'm not sure that's best. Regina: Because you know so much about parenting in the five minutes you've been with him. Talk to David. At least he took care of him while you were away. Like I did, during the ten years you were away the first time. Emma: Okay. Thanks for coming. (Emma turns to leave, but Regina stops her.) Regina: No, wait. I'm sorry. I... I'm... I'm sorry. Snapping at you - I shouldn't have done that. Will you accept my apology? Emma: Okay. You're right. Archie said you were trying to change. And, well, you are. Regina: Dr. Hopper said I was trying? Emma: He said you came to see him. That you're trying not to use magic, that you're trying to be a better person. You understand, I was hesitant to invite you. I asked him, and he thought it was a good idea. Regina: Thank you. It was. I should be going. (Regina leaves the diner and starts to walk home. From a nearby rooftop, Hook and Cora spy on her through a telescope.) Hook: Well, is she broken? Cora: Not yet. [SCENE_BREAK] (Archie is walking his dog at the docks. He sees Regina and approaches her.) Archie: Beautiful day, isn't it, Regina? Regina: Why should I answer you, bug? Archie: Because I'm making friendly conversation. Regina: That you'll just repeat to anyone with an ear. You told Miss Swan about our sessions. Archie: I was simply trying to help you. Regina: By betraying my trust? Archie: I... I mentioned only that you had come to see me, as an example of your commitment to change. Regina: I came to you in confidence. How am I supposed to prove to people I've changed, when you're there to chirp in their ears and remind them of my past? Archie: I said nothing specific. I would never betray the doctor-patient confidentiality. Regina: Doctor? Doctor?! Need I remind you got your PhD from a curse? (Ruby sees the two of them arguing and runs up to them.) Ruby: Hey! Is everything okay here? Regina: Private conversation. Go take yourself for a walk. (Ruby exits.) Archie: I can be trusted. I assure you. Regina: You're lucky I've changed. -[Fairy Tale Land - Past]- (Snow White and Prince Charming have gathered everyone for a meeting at their castle.) Jiminy Cricket: I fear the Queen will never change. We must dispense justice. Prince Charming: Agreed. What are our options? Grumpy: How about giving me five minutes alone with her and my axe? ...She's still restrained, right? Blue Fairy: Yes. But the magic that we used to capture her, will only keep her powerless for a short while. Granny: How about banishing her to another realm? Jiminy Cricket: We can't. It would be unconscionable to condemn another realm to the suffering that we've endured. Red: Jiminy's right. She's our problem, and we have to deal with her. Prince Charming: Then only one thing is certain - as long as the Queen lives, the kingdom is in danger. Snow White: Are you saying... Prince Charming: Yes. We must kill the Queen. Thank you all. (Everyone exits, except for Snow White and Prince Charming.) Snow White: You sure this is what we must do? Prince Charming: What choice do we have? As long as she draws breath, she will come after us - after you. Snow White: There's always a choice. You stopped me from killing her once, took an arrow to save her. Why is this different? Prince Charming: I took that arrow to save your life, not hers. That was an assassination. This is an execution. If we don't stop her now, there's no telling what she'll live to do. -[Storybrooke]- (As Ruby closes up the diner for the evening, she sees Regina enter Archie's office across the street. Inside, Regina knocks on the door. Archie answers.) Regina: I know it's late, but I was hoping we can talk. Archie: Sure. Come on in. (When Archie lets Regina in, Pongo begins barking and growling.) Archie: Hush, Pongo. You know Regina. (He goes to his filing cabinet to retrieve Regina's file.) Archie: I know how hard it is. Real change can often be a... A struggle. (Regina appears behind him.) Regina: I couldn't agree more. Archie: Regina, is there something- (Regina grabs Archie by the neck and lifts him into the air. Pongo gets up and begins barking, but Regina magically silences and freezes him. Archie struggles as a cloud of purple smoke begins to flow from Regina's hand. The scene cuts off, and Regina exits the building. When she is around the side of the building and out of sight, 'Regina' transforms back into Cora.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma and Henry are having breakfast at Granny's.) Henry: So, what was it like? Over there? Emma: Well, let's see. There were ogres, the dead rising, people trying to kill me. And...more ogres. Henry: Awesome. Emma: Kid, we got to work on your sense of awesome. Come on. It's time for school. I'll walk you to the school bus. Henry: It's okay. I can go on my own. Emma: I know that you can. That doesn't mean that you should. Henry: David let me. Emma: Well, I'm not David. Henry: You used to let me. Emma: Well, I am not me. I'm walking you, because that's what mothers do. And I'm doing it. (Henry and Emma exit the diner, where they are greeted by a distressed Pongo.) Henry: Hey, Pongo. It's okay. It's okay. Emma: Where's Archie? (Ruby bolts out of the diner.) Ruby: Emma, something's wrong. Emma: How do you know? Never mind. The wolf thing. You know what? Eleven is old enough to walk to the bus stop. I'll pick you up later. Henry: Okay. (Henry leaves. Pongo runs off and leads Emma and Ruby to the door of Archie's office, which is slightly ajar.) Emma: Archie? (Emma enters the office and spots Archie lying on the floor where Cora left him.) Emma: Archie? Oh, hell. Ruby: What? What is it? Emma: Archie... (Emma checks for a pulse, but finds nothing.) Ruby: No... No... Emma: Who would do this? Ruby: I think I know. -[Fairy Tale Land - Past]- (In her cell in a tower, the Evil Queen watches the people below gather for the execution. A guard at the door breaks the silence.) Guard: You have a visitor. (The guard leaves, leaving behind the Evil Queen's father.) Evil Queen: Daddy. Henry I: This is all my fault. I failed you as a father. I should have done more to protect you. Can you ever forgive me, child? Evil Queen: There's no need. How could I blame the one I love most? The only one to stand by me... To the end. Henry I: It doesn't have to be the end. Evil Queen: Snow and her Prince seem rather determined to make it so. Henry I: Show them regret for what you've done, the pain you've caused. Show them you can change. They will spare you. Just give them a reason. I beg of you. -[Storybrooke]- (Regina is sitting in the interrogation room at the Sheriff's station. Emma and David enter, while Mary Margaret watches through the glass.) Regina: Glad to see the Sheriff's station's now a family business. Why am I here? Emma: You know why you're here. Because of Archie. Regina: Oh, it's now against the law to get into an argument with someone? David: It is if you go to their office later that night and kill them. Regina: Archie's dead? David: Stop it, Regina. Ruby saw you going into his office last night. Regina: Then she's lying. I was home all evening. After everything I've done to change, to win Henry back, why would I toss it all away now? And, if I did and I was going to kill Archie, you would never know it. The fact that he's dead and you caught me shows sloppiness. David: You've been caught before. Come on, Emma. Who do you think's lying - Ruby, or her? She's incapable of change, no matter how many times we've given her the chance. Why should this time be any different? -[Fairy Tale Land - Past]- (Two guards escort Regina to the middle of the courtyard, where a crowd has gathered to watch. Along with Snow White and Prince Charming, Rumpelstiltskin is another notable person in the crowd. Regina is chained to a pole, and a line of guards armed with bows stand in front of her. Jiminy Cricket flies up to speak to her.) Jiminy Cricket: Regina. This is your opportunity to meet your end with a clear conscience. Do you have any last words? Evil Queen: Yes. Yes, I do. I know I'm being judged for my past. A past where I've caused pain, a past where I've inflicted misery, a past where I've... Even brought death. When I look back at everything I've done, I want you all to know what I feel. And that is... Regret. Regret, that I was not able to cause more pain. Inflict more misery. And bring about more death. And above all else, with every ounce of my being, I regret that I was not able to kill... Snow White! Prince Charming: Arrows! (Regina is blindfolded, and the guards draw their weapons.) Prince Charming: Take your aim. Fire! Snow White: Stop! (The arrows fly towards Regina's chest, but are stopped by the Blue Fairy's magic. The arrows clatter to the ground.) Prince Charming: Snow! Snow White: This is not the way. Prince Charming: Snow... (Snow White storms out of the courtyard.) Prince Charming: Take her back to her cell. (Regina's blindfold is removed. Now looking somewhat deranged, she is escorted back to her cell by the guards.) -[Storybrooke]- (Emma and David join Mary Margaret outside of the interrogation room.) MMB: So what do we do with her now? David: Lock her up. Emma: We can't lock her up, because she didn't do it. David: You really believe her? Emma: I watched her when we told her Archie was dead. She didn't know. MMB: Emma, I know that you want to believe that Regina can change for Henry, but- Emma: I know what I saw. Look at her in there. The old Regina would've reduced this building to ashes. That's a woman who wants to change. She just wants everyone else to see it. I know that look. I know her. I believe her. David: With all due respect, you don't know her like we do. Emma: Maybe that's the problem. I know in your kingdom, she was the Evil Queen. But here, she's Regina. And I'm still the Sheriff, and I say she's innocent until proven guilty. MMB: So... Uh, what do you suggest we do? Emma: Let her go. David: Emma, sh- Emma: We let her go, and then we find the truth. -[Fairy Tale Land - Past]- (Prince Charming follows Snow White into the castle.) Prince Charming: Snow, I thought we agreed what had to be done. Instead, you show the Queen mercy? She doesn't deserve it. You heard her. She's completely unrepentant. Snow White: What I heard, was a woman who didn't want to appear weak in her final moments. Prince Charming: I've seen her kill, I've seen her terrorize. Every moment I've seen of her, has been one of evil. Snow White: Exactly. That you've seen. But I knew her before. I knew her when she was good. She saved my life when I was a little girl. Prince Charming: That was years ago. Snow White: She changed before. Why can't she change back? Prince Charming: You can't be serious. You want to rehabilitate the Queen? Snow White: Maybe showing her mercy is the first step. Prince Charming: But, if you fail, the entire safety of the kingdom is at stake. We cannot take that risk. Snow White: You're so sure of her black soul? Sure enough to kill? Because there's no going back from killing. Prince Charming: If you think this is the right thing to do, then it's what we shall do. But know that your path is one that we cannot come back from either. [SCENE_BREAK] (That evening, Snow White goes for a walk in the courtyard. Rumpelstiltskin is waiting there.) Rumpelstiltskin: My, my. Aren't we troubled, dearie? Snow White: Rumpelstiltskin. What brings you here? Rumpelstiltskin: You have to ask? I came to witness the Queen's execution. Even had my heart set on a wee souvenir. It's all very disappointing. Snow White: I won't apologize for sparing her life. Not when there's a chance she might change. Rumpelstiltskin: Regina redeemed - what a novel thought. And, um... How do you plan to accomplish such an impressive feat? Snow White: I don't even know if it's possible. I'm probably just fooling myself. Rumpelstiltskin: Maybe you need someone to show you that it is possible. Snow White: What do you mean? Rumpelstiltskin: Simple. I provide you with a test to help determine whether the Queen can truly change. Snow White: Why would I trust you, when I know you want the Queen dead? You never make a deal without a price. Rumpelstiltskin: Maybe I just want her alive. Snow White: That I doubt. Rumpelstiltskin: Question my motives all you like, dearie, but they shall remain mine. What is yours now, is opportunity. I can help you. Do we have a deal? -[Storybrooke]- (The Charmings are searching for evidence in Archie's office. David is looking through the filing cabinet for Regina's file.) David: Huh. Regina's file - it's empty. MMB: So she did it. She killed the kindest soul in this town. A man who only cared about helping. Emma: I promise we'll find whoever really did this. David: Isn't it time you admit we already have? Regina had a fight with Archie, Ruby saw her outside last night, and now, her file is empty. That's... That's a lot of evidence. Emma: Maybe that's the point. David: What do you mean? Emma: Well, I don't know how it is in fairy tale land, but in the real world, it's usually hard to find evidence. But this has been way too easy. Unless, someone wants us to find evidence. MMB: What? So you think she was framed? Emma: Well, it wouldn't be the first time that happened in this town. David: Who would want to frame her? MMB: That's a long list, present company included. Emma: Yeah. But there's only one name on that list that would resort to killing to get what they want. [SCENE_BREAK] (In Mr. Gold's pawn shop, Belle has prepared a lunch for the two of them.) Mr. Gold: Oh, well, that looks delicious. Thank you very much, belle. (Emma, David, and Mary Margaret enter.) Mr. Gold: Ah... Nothing warms the heart more than a family reunited. You have your mother's chin, Miss Swan. Emma: We know that you killed him. Mr. Gold: And your father's tact. Belle: Someone's dead? Emma: Dr. Hopper. Mr. Gold: Why on earth would you think I had anything to do with that? Emma: Because all the evidence points to Regina. Belle: And she's not possibly capable of doing something so vile? Emma: It's a frame job. MMB: It wouldn't be the first time you used someone to try to hurt her. Mr. Gold: Nice to see your memory's still intact, dearie. But this time, I'm afraid I'm going to have to disappoint you. It wasn't me. David: Why should we believe you? Mr. Gold: Because I can prove it. Ask the witness. Emma: No one was there. Mr. Gold: Well, that's not strictly true now, is it? (David finds Pongo and leads him into the shop. Mr. Gold goes to pet him.) Mr. Gold: Hey, boy. Good boy. Good boy, good boy. Belle: I, uh... I didn't know you were such a dog person. Mr. Gold: Well... A long time ago, in another life, I got to know a sheepdog or two. Emma: That's fascinating. But unless you speak dog, how is Pongo going to tell us anything? Mr. Gold: Through magic, of course. It won't allow us to communicate, but it will allow us to... Extract his memories. David: Extract? Mr. Gold: You don't have to worry. He won't feel a thing. Emma: Why should we trust you? Couldn't you just as easily use magic to fool us? Mr. Gold: Because I'm not going to be the one using magic - you are. Emma: Me? How? Mr. Gold: You have it within you. Told me so yourself. You witnessed it, didn't you? MMB: Emma, you don't have to do this. Emma: If it tells us something about Archie's death, then so be it. (Mr. Gold takes a dream catcher out of one of the cupboards and holds it up.) Mr. Gold: Do you know what this is? Emma: A dream catcher. Mr. Gold: Well... It's capable of catching so much more. (He slowly runs the dream catcher along Pongo's back, which causes it to start glowing a bright yellow.) Belle: What is that? Mr. Gold: Memories. Now, Miss Swan. You show us how. Emma: How? It's just a jumble. Mr. Gold: Will it. Will it, and we shall all see. (Emma takes the dream catchers and holds it in front of her. She concentrates on the jumbled swirl in the middle of the dream catcher, but nothing happens.) Emma: I can't. Mr. Gold: Yes, you can. (Emma briefly closes her eyes, which causes the jumble to transform into an actual image. In the dream catcher, Pongo's memories of 'Regina' entering Archie's office play.) David: Emma... You're doing it. Emma: Regina. (The memory gets to the part where 'Regina' grabs Archie's neck. Mary Margaret, horrified, turns away. Having seen enough, Emma drops the dream catcher and lets it fall to the floor.) Emma: You were right all along. David: I'm sorry, Emma. [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma rushes out of the shop, with David and Mary Margaret trailing behind.) David: Emma! Wait. Where are you going? Emma: To get Regina. MMB: Well, can we talk about this? Emma: What's there to talk about? She killed Archie, now she's got to pay. MMB: Emma, how do you plan on doing that? She has her powers back here. Emma: Yeah, well, you just saw what happened. So do I. David: Yeah. You have something, but you didn't even know what the hell to do with it. And now, you're going to go take on the most powerful woman in town? Emma: Excuse me. Weren't you both the ones who've been pushing on the 'it's Regina' kick the whole time? You should be happy you were right. MMB: We may be right, but I also know that going after her without a plan is a mistake. Emma: So what do we do? David: Even if the dwarves construct a cell to hold her, we need a way to contain her magic until then. MMB: Fairy dust. Leroy said they were processing a new batch of it. Emma: Will that stop her power? David: It has before. The problem is, she'll see us coming. Emma: Leave that to me. Trust me - we're locking her up. -[Fairy Tale Land - Past]- (In the tower, a guard is outside of the Evil Queen's cell. Snow White walks up the stairs, entering the area.) Guard: Your Highness. Snow White: Leave us, please. Guard: But I have direct orders from the Prince- Snow White: And now, you have direct orders from me. (The guard exits, leaving Snow White and the Evil Queen alone. Snow White slips a dagger in her sleeve.) Evil Queen: First, you stop my execution, and then, you defy your Prince to see me. Should I be worried there's trouble in paradise? Snow White: I'm not here to talk about my fiancé. Evil Queen: Then why are you here? Snow White: I know you weren't always like this, Regina. The woman who saved my life all those years ago...had good in her. Evil Queen: That woman lost much. And now she's gone. Snow White: Maybe. But as hard as you've tried to bury her, I think she's still inside you. Evil Queen: No, she's not. Snow White: All you need... (Snow White unlocks the door of the cell.) Snow White: Is someone to help you let her out. Evil Queen: What are you doing? Snow White: I'm letting the woman who saved my life go. This is a chance to start fresh, Regina. To leave the evil behind in this cell. (The Evil Queen stands up and walks towards the door.) Evil Queen: Just like that? Snow White: Just like that. (The two of them walk a short distance, when the Evil Queen turns and grabs Snow White by the throat, holding her against the wall.) Evil Queen: You make change sound so easy. (Snow White draws her dagger, but the Evil Queen quickly stops her and takes the weapon for herself.) Evil Queen: Did you really think this would protect you? Since I can't use magic, I can think of no better way than to kill you with the blade you had meant for me. Goodbye, Snow White. Snow White: No... (The Evil Queen stabs Snow White with the dagger.) Evil Queen: Yes... Snow White: No. (The Evil Queen looks down and sees that the dagger has not injured Snow White. She removes the dagger, unbloodied.) Evil Queen: That's impossible. Snow White: No, that's magic. (Prince Charming and several guards enter.) Prince Charming: And this time, it wasn't thanks to fairies. (He holds up the blindfold used during the Evil Queen's execution.) Prince Charming: Rumpelstiltskin. He took one of your hairs from this, and used it to fashion a protection spell. Evil Queen: No... Prince Charming: Now there's nothing you can do in this land to hurt Snow or me. You're powerless against us. Evil Queen: You tricked me. Snow White: It wasn't a trick. It was a test - one that I had truly hoped you'd pass. Prince Charming: We wanted to give you a chance to change, Regina. Snow White: Regina, you are banished. Banished to live alone with your misery. Prince Charming: As long as you're alive in this world, you can't hurt us. Snow White: You saved my life once, and now I've saved yours. So we're even. And if you ever try to hurt anyone in my kingdom again, I will kill you. -[Storybrooke]- (Emma knocks on Regina's door, while David and Mary Margaret stand behind her. Regina answers.) Regina: Miss Swan. I assume you're here to apologize. Emma: I saw you do it. Regina: What? Emma: I saw it. You choked the life out of Archie. Regina: What are you talking about? How is that even possible? David: Magic. Regina: You- Emma: I saw what happened, and it was you. Regina: Gold. He helped you. You're going to trust him, of all people, when he's probably the one behind this? MMB: We didn't trust him. That's why Emma used magic instead. Regina: You can use magic... The saviour. Of course. Well, I can only assume he warned you, then. Emma: About what? Regina: That magic always comes with a price. Emma: Yeah? Well, that's a price we're both going to pay. Regina: How's that? Emma: Henry. He believed in you. His heart's going to break. That's both our prices. Regina: No. I will not let you poison Henry against me. Emma: It's an interesting word choice, since you already did. (The three of them start to leave and Regina follows them down the walkway.) Regina: I want to see him. He deserves to hear my side of the story! He's my son! Emma: He's not! He's mine! And, after this, you're not getting anywhere near him! Do it! (Mother Superior appears from behind and tree and fires a blast of blue magic at Regina. However, she sees it coming in time and stops it.) Regina: Did you really think that would work again? (She casually tosses the magic orb on the ground near David and Mary Margaret.) Regina: You... You will not keep my son from me. (Regina magically throws Emma backwards down the walkway. Mary Margaret runs to help her up.) Regina: So much for fairy dust. Maybe some of your newfound magic can save you now. Emma: I don't need it. I already won. There is no way Henry will swallow your lies about Archie now. You can pretend all you want, but we know how you are, and who you will always be. (Defeated, Regina magically disappears in a puff of purple smoke.) [SCENE_BREAK] (The Charmings are waiting near the bus stop on the main street of Storybrooke.) Emma: Henry's bus is going to be here any minute. MMB: You can do this. Emma: Tell my son that someone he loved was killed by someone else he cares about? I don't know if I can. Yeah, I don't think I can do any of this. This is like real parent stuff. How can I be a parent if I never was one? David: I know. I've been asking myself the same question. Emma: Oh, no. You guys don't have to... It-It's different. MMB: No, it isn't. And yes, we have to. We can figure it out. So can you. Emma: You don't know me. You don't know what I was before Storybrooke. And trust me, I was not parent material. David: Yeah, but we know who you are since you've been here. Emma: What if I revert? Regina did. David: You're not going to. And the Emma I know was great with Henry. Emma: I was his parent for five minutes. David: And I was yours for five minutes, too, but things are different now - for all of us. We don't have to go through any of it alone. We're family. (They see Henry get off the bus. Emma walks over by herself to meet him.) Henry: Emma. I told you I could walk myself. Emma: I know. Something happened, and... I want you to hear it from me first. Henry: What is it? Emma: Come here. (Emma leads Henry to a bench where the two of them sit down to talk. From a distance, Regina sits in her car and watches the scene unfold in the mirror. She begins crying, as she sees Emma break the news to Henry. Henry, looking upset, hugs Emma.) -[Fairy Tale Land - Past]- (The Evil Queen is brooding in her chambers when her father enters.) Henry I: You have a visitor. Evil Queen: Who? (Rumpelstiltskin appears on the chair behind her.) Rumpelstiltskin: You need to ask? What other friends do you have, dearie? Evil Queen: You're no friend. Have you come to relish my suffering? Rumpelstiltskin: I thought you'd want someone to help raise your spirits. Especially on a day like today. Evil Queen: What's so special about today? Rumpelstiltskin: Snow White and Prince Charming's wedding, of course. Didn't you get an invitation? Me neither. Still, nice to be able to see them declare their twoo love in front of their entire kingdom. A happy ending after all. Evil Queen: And, because of you, there's nothing I can do to stop it. No way to harm them in this land ever again. Rumpelstiltskin: Yes. Yes, I suppose that's true... In this land. Evil Queen: What? Rumpelstiltskin: The deal I made was explicit. You can never harm them in 'this' land. Now, were you to bring them to another land... Well... (She smiles at the realization.) Rumpelstiltskin: Told you I was your friend. (Rumpelstiltskin magically disappears in a puff of red smoke.) Evil Queen: Father? Bring my carriage. I have a wedding to get to. -[Storybrooke]- (At the docks, Hook is sharpening his hook when Cora arrives.) Hook: You're back. So, did you get what you wanted? Cora: Yes. My daughter's lost everything now. Hook: Ah. Well, aren't you mum of the year? Cora: I did what was needed. Hook: What about what I need? You promised you'd help me get my revenge on Rumpelstiltskin. Cora: And I've already started. Or didn't you notice the little gift I left you in the hold of your ship? Hook: A gift? What is it? Cora: Not what. Who. (The two of them enter the invisible ship, where Cora leads Hook to the bottom level of the boat. She opens up a grate, allowing Hook to look inside.) Hook: Who's that? Cora: Someone privy to Storybrooke's deepest secrets, including Rumpelstiltskin's. Someone who can help us determine his weaknesses here. (Archie is shown bound and gagged in the hold.) Cora: Can't you, Dr. Hopper? Hook: If that's him, then who did you kill? Cora: How do I know? It's my first day in town. Hook: You disguised the body to look like him. If death wasn't punishment enough... Marvelous work. Cora: Thank you. Now you'll have all the knowledge you'll need. It may take some work, but this cricket will chirp. Hook: Aye. That he will. -[End]-	Plan: A: one; Q: How many of the town's most beloved fairytale characters is Regina accused of murdering? A: only Emma; Q: Who senses that Regina may be innocent? A: the fairytale land; Q: Where did Snow White and Prince Charming plan to execute the Evil Queen? A: her public execution; Q: What do Snow White and Prince Charming plan to do to Regina? A: her murderous tyranny; Q: What did Snow White and Prince Charming want to rid the land of? Summary: Regina is accused of murdering one of the town's most beloved fairytale characters -- but only Emma senses that she may be innocent. Meanwhile, back in the fairytale land that was, after capturing the Evil Queen, Snow White and Prince Charming set about planning her public execution in order to rid the land of her murderous tyranny.
Michael: Hey. Ready? Come on, show me excited! Oscar: Yes. [small fist-pumps from both Pam and Oscar.] Michael: Yeah, I'm pretty excited too. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Today I'm heading over to the job fair at Valley View High School, to find some new interns. Want to get some fresh blood. Um, euthanize this place. [SCENE_BREAK] Darryl: Hey, are we doing this thing? Michael: Yup. Kelly: Oh my God, Darryl, you look like Barack Obama. Everybody I'm dating Barack Obama! Michael: Why are you dressed like that? Darryl: [in a dress shirt and tie] Like what? Michael: Like you're applying for a loan. Dwight: Maybe he's going to church. Or court. Darryl: Figured I look presentable. [looks Michael over] You? [Michael dressed casually in jeans and sneakers] Went a different way. Pam: [to Darryl] I think you look nice. Michael and Darryl: [simultaneously] Thank you. Michael: Okay, here's what we're going to do[/b]: I'm going to instruct the kids about management and sales. Oscar will be in charge of accounting. Pam will be eye candy. No... uh, also, because that is your alma mater. Darryl will hire some kids for the warehouse. We don't have to worry about internships with them, because they definitely ain't going to college. Darryl: What college did you go to Mike? Michael: Let's go! [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Today, I am meeting a potential client on the golf course, because Ryan put me on probation. You remember Ryan, he was the temp here. Yeah. And uh, it is not a good time for me to lose my job. Since I have some pretty big long term plans in my personal life with Pam, that I'd like her parents to be psyched about. So I am about to do something very bold at this job that I've never done before. Try. [SCENE_BREAK] Phil Maguire: [takes golf swing] Whoa! Jim: Mr. Maguire, it's been a couple of years. Phil Maguire: Hey Jim, how are you, nice to see you man. Andy: Oh no! No, no-no-no-no! My grandfather would be spinning in his urn, if he knew that I was out here with a Dartmouth boy. You take that shirt off right now or I will take it off for you, sir. I am... totally and completely kidding! [they both laugh] Andrew Bernard, Cornell '95. Phil Maguire: Phil Maguire, Dartmouth, '74 [goes to shake Andy's hand] Andy: Oop, got some blisties. Phil Maguire: Yeah, you do. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: Hit about 1200 balls last night, in preparation for today, so hands are a little tender. [shows blisters on both hands] It's actually not funny at all. It's incredibly painful. [SCENE_BREAK] Phil: Let's make it interesting, say, uh, ten bucks a hole? Jim: Great! Kevin: What are we talking? Skins? Acey Duecy? Bingo bango bongo? Sandies, Barkies? Arnies, Wolf? What? [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: I'm gonna take this petty cash I got from Oscar, and turn it into next month's rent. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: So many memories in this old gym. Pretending I have PMS so I didn't have to play volleyball, pretending I have PMS so I didn't have to play basketball. Those were the days! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [Darryl approaches as students throw basketballs] A little over the top, don't you think? Darryl: Show them what you brought, Mike. Pam: [holds up single sheet of paper] Um, that's all we brought. Michael: This is all we need. Oscar: We'll see. Michael: Yes we will see Oscar, we will see, because a blank sheet of paper equals endless possibilities! Conceptual! All right! We. Are. Open for business! [all four of them sit in an empty booth with small Dunder Mifflin sign] Hello! [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Andy, you're up, let's go! Andy: [gushing lotion inside his golf gloves] Giddy up, let's do this. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: People assume I'm great at golf. But like everybody, I hated golf lessons when I was a kid. So, I used to hang out at the sailing club instead. Got my "knot" on. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [swings] Dammit! [SCENE_BREAK] Meredith: Guys, do we have to stay all day? Phyllis: I mean, Michael's gone, can't we just go? Creed: Yeah, and I finished my work months ago! Dwight: Excuse me, people. It has come to my attention, some of you have forgotten, who is in charge here. When Michael is gone... Jim is in charge. When Jim is gone, Andy and I are in charge. When Andy is gone you answer to me. Okay? [Stanley gets up to go] Excuse me where do you think you're going? Oh no, no, no. You're not leaving. No! Stanley, do not walk out that door! If you walk out that door, so help me, I will - [Stanley leaves] He left. Last time I checked, the American workday ends at five pm. You will all stay at your desks until that time. Or, you will suffer the consequences. Phyllis: What consequences? Dwight: I will tell on you. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: There's some filing, restocking the supply shelves. Replacing the water jug, which nobody likes to do. Um, we... uh, eat a lot of cake! Justin: Cool. Pam: [laughs] Yeah, and uh, you basically learn how an office runs. Michael: Hello. Hi. [to Pam] Can I talk to you for a sec? Excuse me. Pam: This is Michael, my boss. [she points] Justin. Michael: Hey, uh, remember what we talked about, in the car on the way up, "only the best and the brightest." Pam: He's nice and he seems interested. Michael: He's totally wrong, Pam. [to Justin] Hey. Justin: Hi. Michael: How you doing? Listen, I don't think that a handsome, funny, smart, funny-looking kid like you, should limit himself. You could do whatever you want to do. You could be a classy janitor, or a cashier with dignity, or a... migraine worker. [takes back the info flyer Justin holds] Maybe for you, paper should be more of a hobby. Justin: Sorry for wasting your time. Michael: Oh, no problem. [looks down] And he signed! He put his name on the piece of - okay, that was supposed to be a blank canvas on which to put their hopes and dreams. And he just, made it into a stupid piece of paper. We need another one, immediately. Darryl: Yeah, the booth is lame without it. Pam: I only brought the one. Michael: Are you mental? Pam: Michael, do you remember, you specifically told me to only bring one sheet of paper? You said it only takes one sheet to make a difference. And I said, "Are you sure Michael?" And you said "Pam! Pam! Pam!" And then you sneezed in my tea, and then you said, "Don't worry, it's just allergies." Do you remember that? Michael: I... don't. Pam: Okay. I'll go look for another one. [she leaves] Michael: And that. Is why. I need a smart intern. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: Hey, so how's the direct mail business going? Phil: I can't complain, people love their junk mail. Jim: Now are you getting all your paper from PPC? Or- Phil: You know what Jim? I'm not really looking to change things up right now, I just came out here to get out of the office for a little bit, so why don't we just play, okay? Jim: Absolutely, will do. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: So I guess I'll just... work on my short game. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [teen approaches table] Hello there. Kid: What is this company? Michael: Well it's funny that you should ask, because it's really more than a company... Oscar: Dunder Mifflin paper. Kid: Thanks. [walks away] Michael: Dammit, Oscar! [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Yeah, I'm trying to lure these kids into my booth, but uh, kids are very wary about being "lured" these days. Thank you Dateline! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: Thank you. [hangs up phone, leaves for restroom] Angela: Extension 128. Creed: [over phone] Hiya Pumpkin, it's Creed. Creed: Say, we're gonna ditch this bitch. You in? Angela: No. Creed: Are you out? [Angela hangs up] Pumpkin's out, let's go gang! [they all make a run for the door, Dwight re-enters room with only Angela left] [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: My old art room. [finds a sheet of blank paper] Oh, maybe it's still here! [looks for her painting] No. No they must have taken it down. Never mind. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [answers cell] What do you want? Dwight: Michael, I know you're swamped. I just thought you should know that everyone in the office has left, except for Angela and I. Do not worry though, I have taken down their names, and I have docked them a personal day. Michael: Who cares? I'm not there, Jim's not there, why should they have to be there? Dwight: So... what else is up? [Michael hangs up] Mich- [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Thank you! [Pam hands him blank paper] What, what is this? Pam: A piece of paper. Michael: This isn't Dunder Mifflin paper. Some sort of Pendleton crap. Pam: Well I think they'll get the spirit of it. Michael: Pam-Pam-Pam-Pam-PamPamPamPam! We're dying here. I want you to go back to the office and I want you to get the real stuff. I want you to get ultra white card stock. Pam: Are you serious? Michael: Yes. And don't call me Shirley. Pam: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] Phil: Oh! [Phil is stuck in the sand trap] Ah, dammit! Jim: You know, you can just pick it up, take the triple bogey. Phil: Yeah I'll- I'll get it out. Thank you. Jim: Yep. [Maguire keeps swinging] [SCENE_BREAK] Angela and Dwight: [silently working] [Pam walks back into office, gets paper out of the copier, shows it "voila" to camera, leaves] [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [Jim's cellphone rings] AH! Come on, Tuna! Jim: Hey, can't really talk now, what's up? Pam: Just checking in, how's it going? Jim: Uh, you know, we'll see, we'll see. Pam: I just drove twenty miles round-trip back to the office to get Michael a single sheet of white paper. So, I could have just had them fax it to me, I guess. Jim: Oh, I like you. Pam: Talk to you later? Jim: Yeah. All right. Bye. [Kevin sinks putt] All right. Sorry, I got to annoy you one more time. What if I bring down shipping costs? Phil: You can try. But I've looked at your prices. Even with free shipping? Doesn't work. It's just- it's not in the stars, Jim. [Phil sinks putt] Six. Kevin: Yeah. Andy: All right, race to the next hole! [he runs off to the cart] Kevin: Ooh! Winner gets ten bucks! Wait -wait for me! Andy! Andy: Shortcut! Shortcut! [drives cart off course, it flips over] Woah! I fell in the sandtrap! [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [hums at copier, Angela waiting behind him] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: All of these jobs? Suck. I would rather live jobless, on a beach somewhere, off the money from a large inheritance, than to have to work in any one of these crap-holes. They suck. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Hey! [walks up to Oscar and Darryl tossing basketballs, grabs Oscar's ball] Game over. [kicks the ball up to the gymnasium ceiling] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [singsong] Just-in time. Justin: Hi. Michael: Just-in case. What's your last name? Justin: Polznik. Michael: This... just in. Justin Polznik! Huh? [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Justin is the ugly girl in the movie, who takes off her glasses and she's hot! And you realize she was always hot, she was just wearing glasses. And that you were the blind one. He's the most... important thing in my life right now. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: I want you to meet my family. Come on. Oscar Martinez. Accountant extraordinaire. This is Justin. Oscar: Hey. Justin: Hi. Michael: This is Darryl Philbin. Isn't he big? And you already met her, Pam Beesly, office hottie. She will "do" you. [laughs] No, no. But she has already dated two guys in the office, that we know of, so, this could be number three, you never know? Pam: Excuse me. Michael: Come here. I would never say this to her face, but she is a wonderful person and a gifted artist. Oscar: Why, why wouldn't you say that to her face? Michael: So, what do you think? Think these guys are nice? The guys I didn't bring are even better. Justin, I'm willing to commit right now. Would you do me the honor, of spending the summer with us, at Dunder Mifflin? I think, I think you are very special. Justin: You didn't want me before. That's what you said. Michael: No, I didn't. You misconstrued me. Justin: You were kind of a jerk to me. Michael: I, uh, hmm. Justin: And I'm, I'm gonna go now. Michael: Why don't... hey. [SCENE_BREAK] Andy: [trying to pick up a beer bottle with blistered hands, struggles trying to take a drink as everyone watches.] [SCENE_BREAK] Dwight: [tries to stop a sneeze] Ah-choo! Angela: Bless you. Dwight: Thank you. [Angela turns to look at him.] [SCENE_BREAK] Kevin: Okay, Jim, you owe me one-twenty, and Phil, you owe me two-thirty. Phil: Let's open a tab, because you and me are gonna be playing more often. Andy: Count me in! Phil: No. Andy: All right! Jim: Okay. You had some fun, and uh, I think I paid for it. So let me get my last shot in there. Is there anything you can do for me? Phil: I'll tell you what. My fiscal year ends in two months, let's talk then. Sound good? Jim: Absolutely. Maguire: Good playing with you guys. Andy: Right on. [SCENE_BREAK] Jim: You know it's a tough thing, seeing a grown man take six shots to get out of a sand trap but, I had to give Phil credit for not quitting. Which is what I told him. I also told him I don't quit either, and I'd call him every single day until he gave me his business. Which he then did, after ...fifteen minutes of me blocking his car. So I am now his paper supplier! And I shot a 102 today, so I'm feeling pretty good. [SCENE_BREAK] Woman on mic: The job fair will be closing in five minutes. Eighth period will commence as scheduled. Michael: Hold down the fort, I have to do something. [walks up to microphone] Excuse me. If you can hear me, I'd like you to look around at all these companies and know that none of them are good enough for you. H&R Block? Come on, I mean I don't even know what they do. Frank Regan Funeral Home? Too much formaldehyde! The Air Force? [Airforce recruiter glares at Michael] Air Force is cool. The refreshments? Bush league! You know, that's not what you want. Dunder- they, well, okay I see security is coming so I just want to say, come to Dunder Mifflin. Dunder Mifflin, a great place to work! Anybody? Show of hands, anybody want to intern at Dunder Mifflin? We do not offer college credit, we cannot give you any sort of pay, but it is a really fun work environment. Anybody? Show of hands? Damn... it. Okay, I'm gonna wrap it up here. Thank you for your time, and drive safe. [SCENE_BREAK] Angela: [Dwight and Angela exiting, he opens door for her] Thank you. Dwight: You're welcome. [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: [clink of beer bottles] Beers? You closed it? Jim: I closed it! Pam: Yes! Oh! [runs into his arms, kisses him] Um, congratulations to you, sir. [they shake hands business-like] Jim: Thank you. Oh, thank you very much. Appreciate it. Pam: Well done. Jim: Thank you. You know what, screw this! [pulls Pam into a big smooch] Kevin: Oooh! [Kevin and Andy add suggestive "bow-chicka-wow-wow" vocals] [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: Today I did something stupid. I questioned myself. And I will never do that again. Because I look at somebody like Jim Halpert and I think, that guy can do anything he wants to do. He could do anything, and he chooses to work here, selling paper. Just like me. [SCENE_BREAK] Michael: [standing way too close to Jim and Pam] Yeah, kiss her. Kiss her good. [Jim and Pam stop kissing] [SCENE_BREAK] Pam: Hi. Graphics guy: Hello. Pam: I was just wondering, what kind of jobs do you guys have? Graphics guy: Are you interested in graphic design? Pam: Yeah. Can I fill out an application? Graphics guy: Oh absolutely, here, take a seat. I should let you know right away, this is just an entry-level job. It's really basic. We're looking for like, a self starter, someone who can meet deadlines, who just pretty much just go the extra mile, I guess. Pam: I can do that. Graphics guy: Great. And uh, obviously looking for someone who knows Photoshop, and Dreamweaver. Uh, Corel Painter, Illustrator, AfterEffects, all the basics. Pam: I don't know any of those. Graphics guy: [laughs] It's actually not super-complicated. I mean I'm sure there's some sort of like, adult education classes in the area. But if you're really serious about graphic design, one thing about New York or Philadelphia, they've got amazing programs out there for design. Pam: New York or Philadelphia. Graphics guy: Yeah. Pam: All right. Cool, well... thanks. Graphics guy: Sure. Pam: And uh, I'll look into those. Graphics guy: You should. Pam: New York or Philadelphia. Graphics guy: Absolutely. Pam: Okay. Graphics guy: It's where the action is. Pam: Thanks.	Plan: A: Ryan's warning; Q: What prompts Jim to hit the links with Andy and Kevin? A: Jim; Q: Who hits the links with Andy and Kevin to try to land his biggest client ever? A: Michael; Q: Who fails to find applicants for Dunder Mifflin's summer internship? A: Pam; Q: Who investigates graphic arts opportunities which may take her away from Scranton? A: Pam's old high school; Q: Where did Michael, Pam, Oscar, and Darryl set up a booth at a job fair? A: failure; Q: What does Michael's shenanigans produce? A: a tense day; Q: What happens when Dwight and Angela are alone in the office? Summary: In response to Ryan's warning, Jim hits the links with Andy and Kevin to attempt to land his biggest client ever. Michael, Pam, Oscar, and Darryl set up a booth at a job fair at Pam's old high school to find applicants for Dunder Mifflin's summer internship, but Michael's shenanigans produce failure. When all the other office workers duck out early, Dwight and Angela have a tense day alone in the office. Pam investigates graphic arts opportunities which may take her away from Scranton.
EXT. SPACE A shot of the Earth from space, as in 101 "Rose" and "The Christmas Invasion". ROSE (voice-over): Planet Earth. Zoom in to London. ROSE (CONT'D) (voice-over): This is where I was born. And this is where I died. INT. BUS Teenage Rose, bored and glum, is on a bus eating chips as it pulls up at a stop. ROSE (CONT'D) (voice-over): For the first nineteen years of my life, nothing happened. Nothing at all. The bus pulls away. ROSE (CONT'D) (voice-over): Not ever. Rose sighs and leans her forehead against the window, popping another chip in her mouth. ROSE (CONT'D) (voice-over, a smile in her tone): And then I met a man called the Doctor. INT. HENRICKS, BASEMENT The Ninth Doctor grabs Rose's hand. THE DOCTOR: Run. And they do. INT. TARDIS The Doctor, the Tenth Doctor this time, is prancing around the consol, pressing buttons and pulling levers, full of energy and enthusiasm. ROSE (voice-over): A man who could change his face. And he took me away from home in his magical machine. The Doctor spins around with a triumphant "ha! ", arms wide with glee. EXT. STREET The Doctor and Rose run down an ordinary street, hand in hand, happy. ROSE (CONT'D) (voice-over): He showed me the whole of time and space. I thought it would never end. EXT. PREHISTORIC PLANET The Doctor and Rose are now standing a short way away from the TARDIS on a rocky alien planet, looking out at the sunset. THE DOCTOR: How long are you gonna stay with me? Rose looks at him. ROSE: Forever. And they smile. EXT. BAD WOLF BAY A desolate beach. ROSE (CONT'D) (voice-over): That's what I thought. But then came the army of ghosts. Then came Torchwood and the War. And that's when it all ended. Rose is standing on the beach, looking out to sea. A gentle breeze is blowing her hair. ROSE (CONT'D) (voice-over): This is the story of how I died. OPENING CREDITS EXT. PLAY PARK The TARDIS materialises in a children's play area. Rose steps out holding a large red rucksack, which she slings onto her back. The Doctor follows, and they set off towards the flats on the Powell Estate with a spring in their step, obviously at peace with the world. INT. TYLER'S FLAT, KITCHEN Jackie is doing the washing up when she hears Rose calling from outside the front door. ROSE: Mum, it's us! We're ba-ack! Jackie, excited, hurries out... INT. TYLER'S FLAT, LIVING ROOM ...to the front door, just as the Doctor and Rose enter the flat. JACKIE (exasperated and pleased at the same time): Oh, I don't know why you bother with that phone! You never use it! ROSE (grinning): Shut up, come here! They throw their arms around each other. JACKIE: Oh, I love you! ROSE: I love you! JACKIE: I love you so much! The Doctor squeezes past them, trying to sidle off, but Jackie's spots him. JACKIE (CONT'D) (grabbing him): Oh no you don't. Come here! She pulls him towards her and plants one on him, despite his weak protests. JACKIE (CONT'D) (hugging him): Oh, you lovely big fella! Oh, you're all mine! THE DOCTOR: Just... just... just put me down! JACKIE: Yes, you are! She kisses him again and then walks off, leaving the Doctor to wipe his mouth with the back of his hand, looking for all the world like a little boy with an over-affectionate mother. They join Rose in the sitting room. ROSE (taking off her back and dumping it in Jackie's arms): I've got loads of washing for ya! And, I got you this! She shows Jackie an tiny ornate bottle with a wide grin. ROSE (CONT'D): It's from the market on this asteroid bazaar. It's made of um... (turns to the Doctor) what's it called? The Doctor is flicking through magazines which are lying on the table. THE DOCTOR: Bezoolium. ROSE: Bezoolium. When it gets cold, yeah, it means it's gonna rain, when it's hot, it's gonna be sunny! You can use it to tell the weather! JACKIE: I've got a surprise for you and all. ROSE: Oh, I get her bezoolum, she doesn't even say "thanks". JACKIE: Guess who's coming to visit? You're just in time, he'll be here at ten past! Who do you think it is? ROSE: I don't know. JACKIE: Oh go on, guess! ROSE: No, I hate guessing. Just tell me. JACKIE (so pleased): It's your grandad. Grandad Prentice. He's on his way. Any minute! Rose stares. JACKIE (CONT'D): Right, cup of tea! She disappears into the kitchen. Rose stares after her. The Doctor appears at her shoulder. ROSE (stunned): She's gone mad. THE DOCTOR (also staring after Jackie): Tell me something new. ROSE: Grandad Prentice, that's her dad. But he died like, ten years ago. Oh my God. She's lost it.(Addresses Jackie). Mum? INT. TYLER'S FLAT, KITCHEN Rose and the Doctor stand in the kitchen doorway. ROSE (CONT'D): What you just said about grandad... JACKIE: Any second now. ROSE (gently): But... he passed away. His heart gave out. Do you remember that? JACKIE (lightly): Course I do! ROSE: ... Then how can he come back? JACKIE: Why don't you ask him yourself? (Checks her watch). Ten past. Here he comes. And right before their eyes, a figure steps out of nowhere in the middle of kitchen. It's featureless, like a shadow, but definitely humanoid. It stands beside Jackie. JACKIE (CONT'D): Here we are, then! The Doctor and Rose just stare, dumbstruck. JACKIE (CONT'D): Dad... say hello to Rose. Ain't she grown? EXT. THE POWELL ESTATE The Doctor and Rose burst out of a side-door of the block of flats at a run. They come to a halt, looking around. THE DOCTOR (confused): They're everywhere! Sure enough, the ghosts are everywhere, standing around just like ordinary people. No one seems to be remotely alarmed by their presence. A group of boys carry on with their ball game, just as normal. Rose turns. ROSE: Doctor, look out! A ghost walks right through the Doctor, causing him discomfort but no pain. JACKIE (joining them): They haven't got long. Midday shift only lasts a couple of minutes. They're about to fade. THE DOCTOR: What do you mean, shift? Since when did ghosts have shifts? Since when did shifts have ghosts? What's going on? JACKIE: Oh, he's not happy when I know more than him, is he? THE DOCTOR (completely baffled): But no one's running or screaming or freaking out or... JACKIE: Why should we? (Checks her watch). Here we go. Twelve minutes past. Jackie smiles at Rose, biting her lip with antipation. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER In a gleaming white room, a scientist pulls a lever down. A light dims down, and a woman takes off a pair of sunglasses. EXT. THE POWELL ESTATE The ghosts disappear. The Doctor glances around, looking even more confused than he did before. The three of them head back to the flats. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER The lever is pulled down fully. The engines die. Yvonne steps out of her office, which is separated from the busy main office/rift chamber with a glass partition. She addresses the staff. YVONNE: Ladies and gentlemen... I'd like to announce: we've just measured the ghost energy at five thousand gigawatts. Give yourselves a round of applause. She puts her hands together, and the rest follow suit. INT. TYLER'S FLAT, LIVING ROOM The Doctor is sat on the floor in front of Jackie's television. Jackie is sitting on the sofa and Rose is perched on the arm. They're all watching a programme called "Ghostwatch". GHOSTWATCH PRESENTER: On today's Ghostwatch, claims that some of the ghosts are starting to talk, and there seems to be a regular formation gathering around Westminster Bridge. Cut to footage of the ghosts milling around Westminster Bridge. GHOSTWATCH PRESENTER (CONT'D): It's almost like a military display... THE DOCTOR (brow furrowed): What the hell's going on? He changes channel to what would appear to be a weather report, but instead of weather symbols, there are little pictures of ghosts on the map of the UK. WEATHERMAN: And tonight we're expecting very strong ghosts. From London, through the North and up into Scotland. Turn over to the Trisha Goddard chat show. The caption at the bottom of the screen proclaims "I married a dead man! " TRISHA: So basically, Eileen, what you're telling me is, that you are in love with a ghost. Eileen is sat in front of the studio audience with a ghost hovering around by the other chair. EILEEN (tearfully): He's my ghost and I love him, 24/7! Encouraging round of applause from the audience. Change channel. DEREK ACORAH: Well, no one needs me anymore! Change channel. This time, it's a cheesy advert, a housewife in a flowery apron addresses the camera in her kitchen while a sad-looking animated ghost hovers around above the worktop. HOUSEWIFE: My ghost was pale and grey until I discovered... Ectoshine! With an expression of complete bewilderment, the Doctor turns over. Now we're on a French news channel. FRENCH NEWSREADER: Et le President d'aujourd'hui, quelle est... Cut to footage of the ghosts wandering around the Eiffel Tower. Change channel, an Indian news report. Ghosts are milling around the Taj Mahal. Change channel to an enthusiastic Japanese Newsreader. The Doctor puts his head in his hands. JACKIE ; Oh, yes! Cuts to footage of three excited Japanese girls, all screeching wildly and showing off their ghost tee-shirts. THE DOCTOR (changing channel): It's all over the world. An episode of Eastenders. Peggy Mitchell is behind the bar of the Vic, having a go at a ghost. PEGGY: Listen to me, Denn Watts. I don't care if you have come back from the grave. Get out of my pub! The only spirits I'm serving in this place are gin, whisky and vodka. So, you heard me, get out! The Doctor's had enough. He switches off the TV and turns to Jackie. THE DOCTOR: When did it start? JACKIE: Well first of all, Peggy heard this noise in the cellar, so she goes down... THE DOCTOR: No, I mean worldwide. Rose smirks. JACKIE: Oh! That was about two months ago. Just happened. Woke up one morning, and there they all were, ghosts, everywhere. We all ran round screaming and that, whole planet was panicking... no sign of you, thank you very much... then it sort of sank in. Took us time to realise that... we're lucky. ROSE: What makes you think it's grandad? JACKIE: Just feels like him. There's that smell, those old cigarettes. Can't you smell it? ROSE (gently): I wish I could, mum, but I can't. JACKIE: You've got to make an effort. You've got to want it, sweetheart. THE DOCTOR: The more you want it, the stronger it gets? JACKIE: Sort of, yeah. THE DOCTOR: Like a psychic link. Course you want your old dad to be alive, but you're wishing him into existence. The ghosts are using that to pull themselves in. JACKIE: You're spoiling it. THE DOCTOR: I'm sorry, Jackie, but there's no smell, there's no cigarettes. Just a memory. ROSE: But if they're not ghosts, what are they, then? JACKIE: Yeah, but they're human! You can see them, they look human! ROSE: She's got a point. I mean, they're all sort of blurred, but they're definitely people. THE DOCTOR (thoughtfully): Maybe not. They're pressing themselves into the surface of the world. But a footprint doesn't look like a boot. And with that, he stands. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER Yvonne approaches Adeola's desk. YVONNE: So, what've we got? Any sign of that power loss? ADEOLA (smiling): There's no problems. Must've been a glitch. YVONNE (on her communication device): Rajesh? INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER Rajesh is in his office with his feet up on the desk, immersed in a book. YVONNE: You got anything? RAJESH (glumly): It's so busy down here, I'm on Sudoku book 509. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER YVONNE: Well, we just had a great ghost shift. RAJESH: I know. INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER RAJESH (CONT'D): We had nothing. He puts his book down and takes his glasses off, stands. RAJESH: Did they tell you? (Adjusts controls on panel). RND came up with a new spectrometer yesterday. Barged in here, all full of themselves... (Walks across the large chamber, checking various instruments). Said they could detect the heat off a single protozoa through half a mile of steel. YVONNE: And what did they find? RAJESH: Nothing. It gave them nothing. Same as ever. The machines keep saying the sphere can't exist. But there it is. He's looking up at an enormous sphere, suspended eerily in mid-air at one end of the chamber. It is bronze in colour, and there's a step ladder positioned just below it to provide easier access. YVONNE: Anything we can do? RAJESH: No, I'm all right. It's just... gets into your head, this thing. Like it's... staring at you. YVONNE (small laugh): All right, we'll catch up later. Thanks, Raj. RAJESH: Yeah. He turns off his communication device, and then climbs up the ladder so he can reach out and place a hand on the bottom of the sphere, but it's as though there's an invisible barrier preventing him from doing so. He strains to break through it, but his hand is thrown aside. He gives up and climbs back down the ladder, defeated. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER YVONNE (approaching Matt at his computer station): Matt? Send Rajesh something, would you? He's going mad down there. Not alcohol. She returns to her office. A member of staff approaches Adeola and hands her a print of some kind. She smiles her thanks and places them in a file. She then glances over at Gareth, who is sitting at a computer across the room from her, and types into some kind of instant messaging program: "God i'm bored.". Gareth's computer bleeps as he recieves the message. He looks over at her, and they smile cheekily at each other. He types: "Me too yawn". "Fancy a coffee?". "Though u never ask :-)". Adeola grins. Gareth stands and approaches Yvonne, who is deep in conversation with two others. GARETH: Yvonne? Yvonne gives him her attention. GARETH (CONT'D): I'm gonna double check the stats... just in case. YVONNE: Sure. He leaves. Adeola stands and approaches Yvonne. ADEOLA: Yvonne, I'm gonna go and cross reference the levels with the sphere. YVONNE: Okay, fine. Adeola also leaves. Yvonne turns back to the others. YVONNE (CONT'D): And they think we haven't noticed. They laugh and go on their way. INT. TORCHWOOD, CORRIDOR / NEW OFFICES Gareth pulls Adeola down a deserted corridor, it looks as though it is being revamped. Plastic curtains section part of it off. GARETH: Come on... it'll be all right down here. Just two minutes. ADEOLA (uneasily): This is out of bounds. GARETH: Yeah... and that's the point! It's completely safe. They're just building new offices. ADEOLA: What about the workmen? GARETH: They must be allocated somewhere else. ADEOLA: It's not worth it for a snog. GARETH (laughs): It is. (Tries to pull her through the curtains). Come on...! But Adeola, although smiling, is reluctant. Gareth lets go of her hand with a "tssk! " and disappears through the curtains alone. Two workmen come and carry a ladder away. Adeola waves casually at them, trying to look as though she's supposed to be there. After a few moments... ADEOLA (audible whisper): Gareth? She presses up against the curtain. ADEOLA (CONT'D) (laughingly): Now don't be daft, where've you gone? (No reply). Gareth? Look, I'm gonna head back, I'm seeing you tonight anyway... Gareth? Tentatively, she walks through the curtains. ADEOLA (CONT'D): I'm gonna go back to work. No reply. She walks further within the curtains, pushing them aside. ADEOLA (CONT'D) (nervously): This is it... I'm going... see ya... When there's still no answer, she abandons all pretence. Her voice grows high in fear. ADEOLA (CONT'D): Now stop it, Gareth! I'm not kidding, just stop it! She spots a shadowy figure on the other side of a curtain. ADEOLA (CONT'D): Sorry, I'm just looking for my friend... did anyone come down here? The figure gives no reply. Adeola pulls the curtain aside, to reveal a Cyberman, who advances. She screams. INT. TARDIS Rose, holding a newspaper, strides into the TARDIS where the Doctor is as usual, wedged under the console. ROSE: According to the paper, they've elected a ghost as MP for Leeds. (She peers down at him). Now don't tell me you're gonna sit back and do nothing. The Doctor suddenly pops up from underneath the grilling, bopping insanely and accompanied by the tune of Ghostbusters. He's holding an odd looking device in one hand and wearing a rucksack. THE DOCTOR: Who're you gonna call? ROSE: Ghostbusters! THE DOCTOR: I ain't afraid of no ghosts. He leaves the TARDIS, Rose following him and giggling. EXT. PLAY PARK Jackie's waiting for them outside. He arranges three cone devices in a triangle shape. THE DOCTOR (to Jackie): When's the next shift? JACKIE (checks watch): Quarter to. But don't go causing trouble. What's that lot do? THE DOCTOR: Triangulates their point of origin. ROSE (thoughtfully): I don't suppose it's the Gelth? THE DOCTOR: Nah. Rose shakes her head as though this was the answer she was expecting. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): They were just coming through one little rift. This lot are transposing themselves over the whole planet. Like tracing paper. JACKIE (crossly): You're always doing this. Reducing it to science. Why can't it be real? (He ignores her). Just think of it, though... all the people we've lost, our families coming back home. Don't you think it's beautiful? The Doctor pauses in his work, meeting her eyes for the first time. THE DOCTOR: I think it's horrific. Jackie looks mildly shocked. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D) (back to work): Rose, give us a hand. He starts unwinding a cable, leading it though into the TARDIS, Rose following. INT. TARDIS He plugs it into the console. Jackie steps inside and closes the door behind her. THE DOCTOR (explaining to Rose at break-neck speed): As soon as it becomes activated, if that line goes into the red, press that button there. If it doesn't stop... He brandishes the sonic screwdriver under Rose's nose, who goes cross-eyed trying to focus on it. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Setting 15B, hold it against the port, eight seconds and stop. ROSE: 15B, eight seconds. THE DOCTOR: If it goes into the blue, activate the deep scan on the left. ROSE: Hang on a minute, I know... She leans over the console, pointing out a button. ROSE (CONT'D): It's that one. THE DOCTOR: Mm, close. ROSE (points to another): That one? THE DOCTOR: Nnnnow you've just killed us. Rose giggles. Neither of them notice the way Jackie's looking at them. ROSE: Eh... that one. THE DOCTOR: Yeah! Now, what've we got? Two minutes to go? He looks over at Jackie, who checks her watch. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER Yvonne emerges from her office, addressing the staff. YVONNE: Two minutes to the next shift. Let's make it a good one, people. Adeola enters. YVONNE (CONT'D) (as though addressing naughty school children): Come on, you two. ADEOLA (primly): I'm sorry we're late. YVONNE: Save it 'til later. GARETH (entering): Sorry we're late. YVONNE (addressing the room at large): And powering up. The scientists pull the levers upwards, beginning the shift. Adeola and Gareth turn to their computers, ear pieces bleeping, faces unnaturally blank. INT. TARDIS Rose plunges the sonic screwdriver into a port on the console. EXT. PLAY PARK At the same moment, outside the doors, the Doctor presses the device he was holding earlier onto one of the cones. He proceeds to do the same to the other two, shouting through the open doors to Rose. THE DOCTOR: What's the line doing? INT. TARDIS ROSE (yelling back): It's all right, it's holding! JACKIE (who has been contemplating Rose): You even look like him? ROSE: How d'you mean? (Smiles). I s'pose I do, yeah. JACKIE: You've changed so much. ROSE: For the better... JACKIE (whispers): I s'pose. ROSE (turning to her): Mum, I used to work in a shop. JACKIE (defensively): I've worked in shops. What's wrong with that? ROSE: No, I didn't mean that. JACKIE: I know what you meant. What happens when I'm gone? ROSE (shocked): Don't talk like that! JACKIE (seriously): No, but really. When I'm dead and buried, you won't have any reason to come back home. What happens then? ROSE (quietly): I don't know. JACKIE: Do you think you'll ever settle down? ROSE: The Doctor never will, so I can't. I'll just keep on travelling. JACKIE: And you'll keep on changing. And in forty years time, fifty, there'll be this woman, this strange woman... walking through the marketplace on some planet a billion miles from Earth. She's not Rose Tyler. Not anymore. She's not even human... The Doctor's voice breaks the moment. ROSE (shouting to him): The scanner's working, it says "delta one six". EXT. PLAY PARK The Doctor stands, facing the centre of the triangle. THE DOCTOR: Come on you beauty! He cackles, positively jiggling with anticipation. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER The scientists pull the levers even further, causing the light to brighten. Yvonne saunters forwards, putting on a pair of sunglasses. YVONNE: And... we're into Ghost Shift. COMPUTER: Online. EXT. PLAY PARK As the Doctor watches the triangle, a ghost materialises in its centre. As it does so, the cones are connected with blue electricity, which in turn connects over the top of the ghost, encompassing it in a kind of electric blue pyramid. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER As the light increases, we focus in on Adeola's expressionless eyes. INT. TARDIS Jackie and Rose watch the happenings outside the TARDIS on the monitor with amazement. EXT. PLAY PARK The Doctor puts on a pair of what looks like 3D spectacles and watches the ghost. He then bends down and adjusts a setting on his equipment, a green light blips, which seems to cause... INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER An alarm goes off at Torchwood, and Yvonne starts. She hurries over to Matt's computer, looking over his shoulder. YVONNE: What've we got? MATT: Something's interfering with the ghost field. YVONNE: Location? MATT: It's close... it's within the City. EXT. PLAY PARK The Doctor continues to adjust the knob. The ghost shudders and groans. THE DOCTOR (laughs): Don't like that much, do you? (Under his breath). Who are you? Where are you coming from? Whoa! He has just received what seems like an electric shock from the ghost, and he stumbles backwards. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D) (triumphantly): That's more like it! Not so friendly now, are you? INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER YVONNE (urgently): Close it down. Close it down! The scientists obey and pull the levers down. COMPUTER: Offline. EXT. PLAY PARK The ghost continues to shudder and jerk within the Doctor's triangle. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER The scientists finally push the levers into place and the ghost shift ends. EXT. PLAY PARK The ghost disappears. The Doctor immediately darts forward and begins gathering up his equipment. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER Yvonne returns to Matt. MATT: It was a very specific excitation of the ghost field, and that makes it easy to pinpoint. From an image of the globe, he zooms in to the UK and then to London. MATT (CONT'D): Almost there... South London. (Zooms in further). South East 15. (Brow furrowed). It's a council estate. The Powell Estate. SU15 7GO. It was a public area. YVONNE: Can we patch into the CCTV network? MATT (tapping on the keyboard): Doing it now. EXT. PLAY PARK A nearby security camera begins to turn slowly, too late to catch the Doctor disappearing inside the TARDIS with his equipment tucked under his arm. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER Yvonne and Matt watch the CCTV footage on the computer screen. MATT (CONT'D): Here we go. We've got a camera within fifty yards. Their eyes widen as the TARDIS is brought slowly into frame. It's as though they've seen it before. YVONNE (stunned): ... Oh my God. MATT: Is it him?! He zooms in closer. YVONNE: It's him. She gasps. INT. TARDIS The Doctor dashes to the railing inside the TARDIS, throwing his coat over it. THE DOCTOR (excitedly): I said so! Those ghosts have been forced into existence for one specific point! And I can track down the source. Allons-y! He pulls down a lever. The TARDIS shudders and he and Rose fall backwards onto the chair. The rotor rises and falls. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER As Yvonne and Matt watch, the TARDIS dematerialises. Yvonne stands up, as though she cannot believe what she's just seen, but she knows what it means. YVONNE (breathless): He's coming. She laughs in disbelief and hurries from the room. Adeola glances darkly over to Gareth. INT. TORCHWOOD, CORRIDOR Yvonne is now running down a corridor. YVONNE (into comm.): Rajesh. It's him! INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER Rajesh runs up the first few steps to the sphere, staring up at it. RAJESH: Now we've got you. INT. TARDIS The Doctor twiddles knobs on the console, nattering away to himself. THE DOCTOR: I like that. "Allons-y". I should say "allons-y" more often. "Allons-y". Watch out, Rose Tyler! Allons-y! And then, it would be really brilliant if I met someone called Allonzo. Because then I could say, "allons-y, Allonzo! " Every time! You're staring at me. Rose has been listening to the Doctor rattle off with a strange smile on her face. ROSE (quietly, so she doesn't hear): My mum's still on board. Sure enough, Jackie's sitting up in the gantries, legs dangling. JACKIE: If we end up on Mars, I'm gonna kill you. She folds her arms. The Doctor stares at her, horrified. Rose smirks. INT. TORCHWOOD, STORAGE AREA The TARDIS materialises in what would appear to be a storage area at Torchwood. Soldiers burst in through the doors, holding guns, shouting and getting into their positions. INT. TARDIS The Doctor, Rose and Jackie observe this on the monitor. THE DOCTOR: Oh, well there goes the advantage of surprise. Still! Cuts to the chase. Stay in here, look after Jackie. He makes towards the doors. ROSE (trailing after him): I'm not looking after my mum! THE DOCTOR: Well, you brought her! JACKIE (indignantly): I was kidnapped! Rose pushes past the Doctor and blocks the doorway so he can't get past. ROSE (warningly): Doctor, they've got guns. THE DOCTOR: And I haven't. Which makes me the better person, don't you think? He catches her round the waist and moves her smoothly out of the way. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): They can shoot me dead, but the moral high-ground is mine. And with that, he opens the door and steps through it. INT. TORCHWOOD, STORAGE AREA The Doctor raises his hands. The soldiers release the safety catches on their guns, every single one is pointed at the Doctor. INT. TARDIS Rose and Jackie watch through a crack in the door, unseen. Yvonne hurries into the room, running towards the Doctor. YVONNE (excitedly): Oh...! Oh, how marvellous. (Claps). Oh, very good. Superb. Happy day! The soldiers follow suit, applauding him. The Doctor doesn't quite know what to make of this reception. He lowers his hands tentatively. THE DOCTOR: Um. Thanks. Nice to meet you. I'm... the Doctor. And that sets them all off clapping again. YVONNE: Oh, I should say! Hurray! THE DOCTOR: You... you've heard of me, then? YVONNE: Well of course we have. And I have to say, if it wasn't for you, none of us would be here. The Doctor and the TARDIS...! Overcome, she starts the applause again. The Doctor, clearly enjoying this just a little bit, gestures for silence. THE DOCTOR: And... and... and you are? YVONNE: Oh, plenty of time for that. But according to the records, you're not one for travelling alone. The Doctor and his companion. That's a pattern isn't it, right? The Doctor stares at her. YVONNE (CONT'D) (her voice has suddenly adopted a slightly sinister quality): There's no point hiding anything. Not from us. (Smiles). So where is she? THE DOCTOR: ... Yes! Sorry. Good point. She's just a bit shy, that's all. He opens the TARDIS door just a tiny bit more, feeling around for Jackie. He pulls her out. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): But here she is: Rose Tyler. Rose is left inside to listen to proceedings, not making a sound. The Doctor looks Jackie up and down. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Hmm. She's not the best I've ever had. Bit too blonde. Not too steady on her pins. A lot of that. He mimes chatting. Jackie glares at him. Yvonne laughs. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): And just last week, she stared into the heart of the Time Vortex and aged fifty-seven years. But she'll do. JACKIE: I'm 40! THE DOCTOR: Deluded. Bless. I'll have to trade her in. Do you need anyone? She's very good at tea. Well, I say very good, I mean not bad. Well. I say not bad... anyway! Lead on. But not too fast. Her ankle's going. Yvonne turns to lead the way. The Doctor and Jackie follows. JACKIE (hisses at the Doctor): I'll show you where my ankle's going. Rose watches the party leave on the monitor. INT. TORCHWOOD, CORRIDOR Yvonne leads them through a doorway. YVONNE: It was only a matter of time until you found us. And at last you've made it. I'd like to welcome you, Doctor. INT. TORCHWOOD, FACTORY FLOOR She pushes open a doorway into a huge factory floor, full of alien artifacts and scientists working on them. YVONNE: Welcome... to Torchwood. THE DOCTOR (staring): That's a Jathar Sunglider. YVONNE: Came down to Earth off the Shetland Islands ten years ago. THE DOCTOR: What, did it crash? YVONNE: No, we shot it down. It violated our airspace. Then we stripped it bare. The weapon that destroyed the Sycorax on Christmas Day? That was us! Now if you'd like to come with me. Jackie shares an incredulous glance with the Doctor, while Yvonne leads them on. YVONNE (CONT'D): The Torchwood Institute has a motto: "if it's alien, it's ours". Anything that comes from the sky, we strip it down, and we use it. For the good of the British Empire. JACKIE: For the good of the what? YVONNE: The British Empire. JACKIE: There isn't a British Empire. YVONNE: Not yet. Ah, excuse me... She takes a weapon off a soldier. YVONNE (CONT'D): Now, if you wouldn't mind... do you recognise this, Doctor? THE DOCTOR: That's a particle gun. YVONNE: Good, isn't it? Jackie tries to touch it, but Yvonne wrenches it from her grasp and ignores the interruption. YVONNE (CONT'D): Took us eight years to get it to work.... THE DOCTOR: It's the twenty-first century. You can't have particle guns. YVONNE: We must defend our border against the alien. She hands the particle gun back to the waiting soldier. YVONNE (CONT'D): Thank you... Sebastian, isn't it? SOLDIER: Yes, Ma'am. YVONNE (smiles): Thank you, Sebastian. (Turns back to the Doctor and Jackie). I think it's very important to know everyone by name. Torchwood is a very modern organisation. People skills. That's what it's all about these days. (Smiles smugly). I'm a people person. Jackie rolls her eyes. THE DOCTOR: Have you got anyone called Allonzo? YVONNE: No, I don't think so. Is that important? THE DOCTOR: I suppose not. What was your name? He walks off to examine the other artifacts. YVONNE: Yvonne. Yvonne Hartman. The Doctor pulls a large device from a box. YVONNE: Ah yes. Now, we're rather fond of these. The Magnaclamp. Found in a spaceship buried at the base of Mount Snowdon. Attach this to an object and it cancels the mass. I could use it to lift two tonnes of weight with a single hand. That's an imperial ton, by the way. Torchwood refuses to go metric. The Doctor throws the Magnaclamp back in the box and brushes his hands together. JACKIE: I could do with that to carry the shopping. YVONNE (patronisingly): All these devices are for Torchwood's benefit. Not the general public's. Jackie pulls a face. The Doctor looks through a magnifying glass. THE DOCTOR: So, what about these ghosts? YVONNE: As yes, the ghosts. They're er... what you might call a side effect. THE DOCTOR: Of what? YVONNE: All in good time, Doctor. There is an itinerary, trust me. Just then, the TARDIS is driven in on the back of a truck. JACKIE: Oi! Where're you taking that? YVONNE: "If it's alien, it's ours." THE DOCTOR: You'll never get inside it. YVONNE: Hm! Et cetera. She walks away. As the Doctor watches the TARDIS, Rose opens the door a crack and peeks through it. The Doctor nods encouragingly and looks away. INT. TARDIS Rose closes the door and goes over to the Doctor's coat, which is slung over one of the supports. She rummages around in the pockets. ROSE (to herself): Psychic paper... psychic paper... She finds it and opens it, biting her lip as she anticipates what she can do with it. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER Adeola looks across at Matt. She types him a message: "Hey Matt. Want to see something good?" Matt looks up from his work in surprise, mouthing "what?". She types: "Come and see.". Matt's computer bleeps as he receives the message. Adeola stands. Matt, obviously reluctant and uneasy about doing so, follows. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TORCHWOOD, CORRIDOR Yvonne, the Doctor and Jackie stride down a corridor, flanked by armed soldiers. THE DOCTOR: All those times I've been on Earth, I've never heard of you. YVONNE: But of course not. You're the enemy. You're actually named in the Torchwood Foundation Charter of 1879 as an enemy of the Crown. THE DOCTOR: 1879... that was called Torchwood, that house in Scotland. YVONNE: That's right. Where you encountered Queen Victoria and the werewolf. JACKIE: I think he makes half of it up. YVONNE: Her Majesty created the Torchwood Institute with the express intention of keeping Britain great. And fighting the alien horde. THE DOCTOR (conversationally): But if I'm the enemy, does that mean that I'm a prisoner? YVONNE (lightly): Oh yes. They round a corner and find themselves outside a large black door. YVONNE (CONT'D) But we'll make you perfectly comfortable. And there is so much you can teach us. Starting with this. Pressing her ID card against the digital lock, she opens the door. They walk into the chamber where the sphere is housed. INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER YVONNE (impressively): Now, what do you make of that ? Noticing their arrival, Rajesh straightens his jacket and approaches the Doctor, who is gazing open mouthed up at the sphere. RAJESH: You must be the Doctor. Rajesh Singh. It's an honour, sir. He holds out his hand, but the Doctor is too immersed in gazing up at the sphere to notice. THE DOCTOR (vaguely): Yeah... Rajesh lowers his hand sheepishly. JACKIE: What is that thing? YVONNE: We got no idea. JACKIE: But what's wrong with it? RAJESH: What makes you think there's something wrong with it? JACKIE: I dunno... just feels weird. The Doctor darts forwards and up the steps leading up to the sphere. YVONNE: Well, the sphere has that effect on everyone. Makes you wanna run and hide. Like it's forbidden. RAJESH: We tried analysing it using every device imaginable. The Doctor puts on his 3D specs, looking up at the sphere through them. RAJESH (CONT'D): But, according to our instruments, the sphere doesn't exist. It weighs nothing. It doesn't age. No heat. No radiation. And, has no atomic mass. JACKIE: But I can see it! RAJESH: Fascinating, isn't it? It upsets people because it gives off... nothing. It is... absent. YVONNE: Well, Doctor? THE DOCTOR: This is a Void Ship. YVONNE: And what is that? THE DOCTOR (folding away his specs, sounding worried): Well, it's impossible for starters. I always thought it was just a theory, but... it's a vessel designed to exist outside time and space. Travelling through the Void. He sits down on the bottom step, Yvonne and Rajesh crowding him. RAJESH: And what's "the Void"? THE DOCTOR: The space between dimensions. There's all sorts of realities around us, different dimensions, billions of parallel universes all stacked up against each other. The Void is the space in-between. Containing absolutely nothing. Imagine that, nothing. No light, no dark, no up, no down. No life. No time. Without end. My people called it the Void, the Eternals call it the Howling. But some people call it Hell. RAJESH: But someone built the sphere. What for? Why go there? THE DOCTOR: To explore. To escape. You could sit inside that thing and eternity would pass you by. The Big Bang... end of the universe, start of the next, wouldn't even touch the sides. You'd exist outside the whole of creation. YVONNE (smugly): You see, we were right. There is something inside it. THE DOCTOR (looking at her): Oh yes. She is caught by his tone. RAJESH: So how do we get in there. THE DOCTOR (suddenly standing): We don't! We send that thing back into Hell. How did it get here in the first place? YVONNE: Well, that's how it all started. The sphere came through into this world, and the ghosts followed in its wake. THE DOCTOR: Show me. He strides off. Yvonne exchanges a look with Rajesh, and follows. The Doctor exits and turns left. YVONNE: No, Doctor. He turns right. INT. TORCHWOOD, CORRIDOR / NEW OFFICES Adeola has led Matt into the curtained area. MATT (slightly irritated): I don't get it. What is it? What am I supposed to be looking for? ADEOLA (brightly): Just go to the left! There is a red glow coming from within the area, but we cannot see what it is. MATT: Yvonne's gonna be back any minute. ADEOLA: Just go to the left. MATT: What, you mean in here?! Adeola nods. Matt pushes the curtain aside and walks towards the red glow, he doesn't come out again. Adeola walks away to the sound of a drill and Matt screaming. INT. TORCHWOOD, FACTORY FLOOR Rose tentatively steps outside the TARDIS doors and finds herself in a tucked away corner of the factory floor. She quickly dodges out of sight of two men talking; she tries to go the other way but two soldiers approach. She waits until they are gone, and then quickly grabs a discarded white lab coat, putting it on. She then walks confidently out into the open and no one gives her a second glance. She spots one man striding purposefully through a door and decides to follow him. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER Adeola returns to her computer. Yvonne shows the Doctor the white expanse of wall from which the white light emits during ghost shift. YVONNE: The sphere came through here. A hole in the world. The Doctor runs his hand over the smooth white wall. YVONNE: Not active at the moment. But when we fire particle engines at that exact spot, the breech opens up. THE DOCTOR: How did you even find it? YVONNE: Well, we were getting warning signs for years. A radar black-spot. So we built this place. Torchwood Tower. The breech was six hundred foot above sea level. It was on the only way to reach it. THE DOCTOR (putting his 3D specs on): You built a skyscraper just to reach a spatial disturbance? How much money have you got? YVONNE: Enough. She walks away. The Doctor removes his specs, and folds his arms, still contemplating the wall. Jackie is looking out of the window in Yvonne's office. JACKIE: Hold on a minute... we're in Canary Wharf! Must be! This building, it's Canary Wharf. The view from the window would certainly suggest so. YVONNE: Well, that is the public name for it. But to those in the know, it's Torchwood. THE DOCTOR (joining them): So, you find the breech, probe it, the sphere comes through. Six hundred feet above London, bam. It leaves a hole in the fabric of reality. And that hole, you think, "oh, shall we leave it alone? Shall we back off? Shall we play it safe?" Nah, you think "let's make it bigger! YVONNE: It's a massive source of energy. If we can harness that power, we need never depend on the Middle East again. Britain will become truly independent. Look, you can see for yourself. Next Ghost Shift's in two minutes. She leaves the office and enters the main area. THE DOCTOR: Cancel it. YVONNE: I don't think so. THE DOCTOR (angrily): I'm warning you, cancel it. YVONNE (turning to him): Oh, exactly as the legends would have it. The Doctor, lording it over us. Assuming alien authority over the rights of Man. THE DOCTOR: Let me show you. He takes his sonic screwdriver out of his pocket and stands on the other side of the glass partition between Yvonne's office and the main area. THE DOCTOR: Sphere comes through. He points his sonic screwdriver at the glass and activates it. The glass splinters and the crack extends outwards, continuing to do so as the Doctor speaks. THE DOCTOR: But when it made the hole, it cracked the world around it. The entire surface of this dimension, splintered. And that's how the ghosts get through. That's how they get everywhere. They're bleeding through the fault lines. Walking from their world, across the Void, and into yours. With the Human Race hoping and wishing and helping them along! But too many ghosts, and... He place the lightest fingertip on the glass and the whole thing shatters, falling from the frame. YVONNE: Well, in that case we'll have to be more careful. (Addresses staff). Positions! Ghost Shift in one minute. THE DOCTOR (pursuing her): Ms Hartman, I am asking you, please, don't do it. YVONNE: We have done this a thousand times. THE DOCTOR (furiously): Then stop at a thousand! YVONNE: We are in control of the ghosts. The levers can open the breech, but equally they can close it. They stare at each other for a few moments, a battle of wills, until: THE DOCTOR (lightly): Okay. He walks off into Yvonne's office to grab a chair. YVONNE: Sorry?! THE DOCTOR: Never mind! As you were. YVONNE: What, is that it? THE DOCTOR (settling down in the chair): No! Fair enough. Said my bit. Don't mind me. Any chance of a cup of tea? ADEOLA: Ghost Shift in twenty seconds. THE DOCTOR: Mm! Can't wait to see it! YVONNE (suspiciously): You can't stop us, Doctor. THE DOCTOR: No, absolutely not! (To Jackie): Pull up a chair, Rose! Come and watch the fireworks. Jackie goes to stand behind the Doctor's chair. ADEOLA: Ghost Shift in ten seconds. Nine... eight... Yvonne is uneasy. She stares at the Doctor. he raises his eyebrows at her, just daring her to go through with it. ADEOLA: Seven... six... five... four... three... two... Yvonne breaks. YVONNE: Stop the shift. I said stop. THE DOCTOR (gratefully): Thank you. YVONNE: I suppose it makes sense to get as much intelligence as possible. But the program will recommence, as soon as you've explained everything. THE DOCTOR: I'm glad to be of help. YVONNE (to the room at large): And someone clear up this glass. (To the Doctor): They did warn me, Doctor. They said you like to make a mess. She disappears into her office. Adeola, Matt and Gareth exchange glances. Seeming to come to a silent agreement, they begin to type. INT. TORCHWOOD, CORRIDOR Rose walks down a corridor, still following the man from a distance. She breaks into a jog as he rounds a corner, hearing the sound of a door opening and closing. She peers cautiously around the corner and then approaches the door. She surmises it for a moment, and then kisses the psychic paper before pressing it against the lock as Yvonne did. The door slides open. INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER Rose she walks slowly into the sphere chamber. Just as everyone before her, she seems hypnotised by it. Rajesh spots her and approaches her. RAJESH: Can I help you? ROSE (not looking away from the sphere): I was just... RAJESH: Try not to look. It does that to everyone. What do you want? ROSE: Sorry. Um... they sent me from personnel. They said some man had been taken prisoner. Some sort of Doctor? I'm just... checking the lines of communication, did they tell you anything? RAJESH: Can I see your autorisation? ROSE: ... Sure. She hands him the psychic paper. He checks it. RAJESH: That's lucky. Rose smiles. RAJESH (CONT'D): You see, everyone at Torchwood has at least a basic level of psychic training. Rose's smile fades. RAJESH (CONT'D): This paper is blank. And you're a fake. (Into comm.). Seal the room. Call security. The doors close. RAJESH (CONT'D): Samuel? Can you check the door locks? She just walked right in. Samuel turns, only it's not Samuel. It's Mickey. MICKEY: Doing it now, sir. Rose stares at him. He puts a finger to his lips and gives her the thumbs up, grinning. RAJESH: Well. If you'd like to take a seat. Rose nods, seemingly lost for words. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER Yvonne is sitting at her desk with a laptop in front of her. YVONNE: So these ghosts, whatever they are, did they build the sphere? Her eyes linger on the Doctor's feet which are crossed on the desk, but she decides to let it pass. He's thrown himself in a chair, looking completely relaxed. THE DOCTOR: Must have. Aimed it at this dimension like a canon ball. RAJESH (through webcam): Yvonne? I think you should see this. We've got a visitor. We don't know who she is, but funnily enough, she arrived at the same time as the Doctor. The Doctor's face twitches. Yvonne turns the laptop around so the Doctor can see Rose and Rajesh on the screen. Rose is peering comically into the camera. YVONNE: She one of yours? THE DOCTOR (shaking his head): Never seen her before in my life. YVONNE: Good! Then we can have her shot. THE DOCTOR (sitting up): Oh all right then, it'll be worth a try. That's... that's Rose Tyler. ROSE: Sorry. (Waves). Hello! The Doctor waves back. YVONNE: Well, if that's Rose Tyler, who's she? JACKIE: I'm her mother. YVONNE: Oh, you travel with her mother? JACKIE: He kidnapped me. THE DOCTOR: Please, when Torchwood comes to write my complete history, don't tell people I travelled through time and space with her mother... JACKIE: Charming. THE DOCTOR: I've got a reputation to uphold! The sound of the ghost shift engines starting up is heard. Yvonne stands and addresses the staff. YVONNE: Excuse me? Everyone? I thought I said stop the ghost shift. They ignore her, staring straight ahead. YVONNE (CONT'D): Who started the program? But... I ordered you to stop! Who's doing that?! She points to the lever which is rising upwards of its own accord. YVONNE (CONT'D): Step away from the monitors, everyone. No one does, they continue typing. YVONNE (CONT'D) (panicking): Gareth, Addy, stop what you're doing, right now! Matt. Step away from your desk. That's an order! Stop the levers! Two scientists rush over to the levers and struggle to push them down. YVONNE (CONT'D): Stop the levers! THE DOCTOR (going to Adeola): What's she doing? YVONNE (following him): Addy? Step away from the desk. The Doctor stares at her and clicks his fingers in front of her face, but Adeola does not react. YVONNE: Listen to me. Step away from the desk. THE DOCTOR: She can't hear you. (Observes computer screen). They're overriding the system. The Doctor, Jackie and Yvonne stare anxiously at the blank expanse of wall. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): We're going into Ghost Shift. The light brightens. INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER RAJESH (into comm.): Yvonne, I thought you said the next Ghost Shift was cancelled. Mickey, who is checking the locks, glances over his shoulder. RAJESH (CONT'D): What's going on? (No reply). Yvonne? The whole chamber suddenly shudders; the disturbance has come from the sphere. RAJESH (CONT'D): It can't be. He, Rose and Mickey hurry over to it. Another crash from within. RAJESH (CONT'D) (hushed): It's active! INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER The Doctor is staring at Adeola's ear-piece. THE DOCTOR: It's the ear-piece controlling them. I've seen this before. He takes his sonic screwdriver from his pocket and stands behind her. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D) (sincerely): Sorry. I'm so sorry. He holds the sonic screwdriver to the ear-piece, deactivating it. Adeola screams with pain and slumps over the desk, dead. Matt and Gareth do the same as though all the ear-pieces were connected. YVONNE: What happened? What did you just do? THE DOCTOR: They're dead. JACKIE: You killed them. THE DOCTOR (turning to the computer): Oh someone else did that long before I got here. JACKIE: But you killed them! THE DOCTOR (angrily): Jackie, I haven't got time for this. YVONNE: What're those ear-pieces? THE DOCTOR: Don't. YVONNE: But they're standard comms. Devices, how does it control them? THE DOCTOR (going to Matt's computer): Trust me, leave them alone. YVONNE: But what are they? She takes hold of one of Adeola's ear-pieces and pulls it, right out of her head. A trail of brain tissue is attached to it. YVONNE (CONT'D) (revolted): Urgh! Oh, God! It goes inside their brain! She drops it. THE DOCTOR: What about the Ghost Shift? YVONNE: Ninety percent there. It's still running. Can't you stop it? THE DOCTOR: They're still controlling it. They've hi-jacked the system. YVONNE: Who's they? The Doctor takes his sonic screwdriver out of his pocket and holds it flat on the palm of his hand, turning slowly. THE DOCTOR: It might be a remote transmitter but it's gotta be close by. I can trace it. He darts off, evidently receiving some kind of signal from the sonic screwdriver. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Jackie, stay here! Yvonne follows him, her laptop lies forgotten on the desk, Rajesh speaking into the webcam, the words "sphere activated" flash on the screen. INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER RAJESH: We've got a problem down here. Yvonne, can you hear me? The sphere is vibrating. RAJESH (CONT'D) (frantic): Yvonne, for God's sake, the sphere is active! The readings are going wild! It's got weight, it's got mass, an electromagnetic field, it exists! He jumps and turns around to a crash behind him, the door closing. RAJESH (CONT'D): The door's sealed. Automatic quarantine, we can't get out! He rushes off. Rose and Mickey are left looking up at the sphere. MICKEY: It's all right, babe. We beat them before, we can beat them again. That's why I'm here. The fight goes on. The sphere continues to vibrate. ROSE: The fight against what? MICKEY: What d'you think? They stumble as two violent crashes emit from the sphere, shaking the chamber. INT. TORCHWOOD, CORRIDOR The Doctor walks down a corridor, letting his sonic screwdriver guide him. Yvonne follows. She stops two passing soldiers. YVONNE: You two, you come with us. SOLDIERS: Yes, ma'am. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER The scientists are trying and failing to push the levers down. Jackie squints as the light becomes brighter. INT. TORCHWOOD, CORRIDOR / NEW OFFICES The Doctor, Yvonne and the two soldiers have reached the curtained area. THE DOCTOR: What's down here? YVONNE: I don't... I dunno, I think it's building work. It's just renovations. THE DOCTOR (starting forward): You should go back. YVONNE: Think again. She follows him, gesturing for the soldiers to do the same. The Doctor stops pushing the curtains aside as he sonic screwdriver bleeps. He stares at it. YVONNE (CONT'D): What is it? What's down here? THE DOCTOR (brow furrowed): Ear-pieces, ear-pods, this world is colliding with another. And I think I know which one. All of a sudden, the shadows of Cybermen standing behind the curtains surround them, getting into position. YVONNE (hushed tone): What are they? THE DOCTOR: They came through first. The Cybermen slit the curtains with their hands. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): The advance guard. The Cybermen step through the curtains and begin to march towards them. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Cybermen. The two soldiers fire their bullets at the Cybermen, with no effect whatsoever. The Doctor and Yvonne try to escape another way, but they are surrounded. INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER Another crash emits from the sphere. MICKEY: We had them beaten, but then they escaped. The Cybermen just vanished. (Another crash). They found a way through to this world, but, so did we. ROSE (staring at him): The Doctor said that was impossible. MICKEY: Yeah, well it's not the first time he's been wrong. ROSE: What's inside that sphere? Another crash. MICKEY: No one knows. Cyber Leader, Cyber King, Emperor of the Cybermen... whatever it is...(grins). He's dead meat. ROSE (smiles and nudges him): It's good to see you. MICKEY (smiles back): Yeah. It's good to see you too. Another crash. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER The Cybermen lead Yvonne and the Doctor and Yvonne, who have their hands behind their head, back to the rift chamber. THE DOCTOR: Get away from the machines, do what they say, don't fight them! The Cybermen reveal their weapons and shoot one of the scientists dead. JACKIE (terrified): What are they? CYBERMAN: We are the Cybermen. The Ghost Shift will be increased to one hundred percent. The Cyberman clamps a fist to its chest and the lever rises once more, beginning the Ghost Shift. COMPUTER: Online. THE DOCTOR (as the light brightens): Here come the ghosts. INT. TORCHWOOD, FACTORY FLOOR The ghosts step out of thin air, accompanied by the sound of Cybermen marching. EXT. THE POWELL ESTATE The ghosts materialise. INT. GHOSTSWATCH STUDIO GHOSTWATCH PRESENTER: It's extraordinary, there are more ghosts than we've ever seen before. They materialise around Big Ben and the Taj Mahal. GHOSTWATCH PRESENTER (CONT'D): And it's happening all over the world. INT. PRESS CONFERENCE POLICE COMMANDER (making official statement on TV): As far as we know, the increase in ghost activity is harmless. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER Rows and rows of Cybermen march out of the light. INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER RAJESH (into comm.): Can anyone hear me? Come on, I need help down here! The entire chamber is shaking accompanied by booms from the sphere. RAJESH (CONT'D): I need... The sphere stops vibrating. Rajesh joins Mickey and Rose. Mickey removes his lab coat and pulls of his ear piece. MICKEY: Here we go. Rajesh puts his glasses on. As they watch, smooth cracks appear in the sphere as it opens. Light spills from the gaps. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER JACKIE: These Zybermen, what've they got to do with the ghosts? THE DOCTOR: Do you never listen? A footprint doesn't look like a boot! CYBERMAN: Achieving full transfer. THE DOCTOR: They're Cybermen. All of the ghosts are Cybermen. The Cybermen continue to march from the light, slowly becoming more defined. THE DOCTOR (CONT'D): Millions of them. Right across the world. INT. TORCHWOOD, FACTORY FLOOR The ghosts on the factory floor are shown in their true form, Cybermen. EXT. POWELL ESTATE The ghosts on the Powell Estate also become defined as Cybermen. The people who had previously not been giving them a second glance are suddenly running and screaming. EXT. EIFFEL TOWER The Cybermen materialise fully, causing panic. EXT. TAJ MAHAL Again, the appearance of the Cybermen causes panic. INT. GHOSTWATCH STUDIO GHOSTWATCH PRESENTER (standing): They're not ghosts! They're metal men... A Cybermen walks right into the studio and strangles him. INT. PRESS CONFERENCE POLICE COMMANDER: I urge you, stay in your homes! INT. HOUSE A Cybermen breaks through the door of an ordinary house, the family are cowering at the bottom of the stairs. The little boy tries to make a break for it, but another Cyberman is blocking his way upstairs. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER Hundreds of Cybermen stand in the light, ready for war. YVONNE: They're invading the whole planet. THE DOCTOR: It's not an invasion, it's too late for that. It's a victory. They look round at the laptop as it starts bleeping. COMPUTER: Sphere activated. Sphere activated. Sphere activated. Sphere activated. The Doctor looks at it, brow furrowed. INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER The light continues to spill from the sphere. MICKEY: I know what's in there. And I'm ready for them. I've got just the thing. He retrieves a weapon that he had been hiding under a counter, and then positions himself in front of the sphere. MICKEY (CONT'D): This is gonna blast them to Hell. RAJESH: Samuel, what are you doing?! MICKEY: The name's Mickey. Mickey Smith. Defending the Earth. He cocks his gun as the sphere parts further. INT. TORCHWOOD, RIFT CHAMBER THE DOCTOR (to a nearby Cybermen): What I don't understand is Cybermen don't have the technology to build the Void Ship, that's way beyond you. How did you create that sphere? CYBERMAN: The sphere is not ours. THE DOCTOR (stunned): ... What? CYBERMAN: The sphere broke down the barriers between worlds. We only followed. Its origin is unknown. THE DOCTOR: Then what's inside it...? JACKIE (fearful): Rose is down there. INT. TORCHWOOD, SPHERE CHAMBER The top part of a familiar looking alien emerges from the sphere... MICKEY (thrown): That's not Cybermen... Four Daleks glide smoothly from the sphere. ROSE: Oh my God. DALEK: Location: Earth. Life forms detected. Exterminate! Mickey aims his gun at them. Rose stares at them in wide eyed fear. DALEK (CONT'D): Exterminate! Exterminate! EXTERMINATE! To be continued...	Plan: A: London; Q: Where do the Doctor and Rose return to after the time travel episode? A: Jackie; Q: Who does the Doctor and Rose visit in London? A: a few months; Q: How long has the Earth been experiencing silhouettes? A: The public; Q: Who has accepted the silhouettes as ghosts? A: the Doctor; Q: Who thinks the ghosts are the impressions of something forcing itself into the universe? A: a secret organisation; Q: What is Torchwood? A: Torchwood; Q: What is the name of the secret organization that the Doctor tracks the source of the ghosts to? A: Yvonne Hartman; Q: Who is the director of Torchwood? A: a spherical "void ship; Q: What is kept at Torchwood? A: Three employees; Q: How many employees of Torchwood are manipulated to open the breach? A: millions; Q: How many ghosts appear worldwide? A: the parallel universe; Q: Where did the Cybermen come from? A: the void ship; Q: What ship did the Cybermen follow through the breach? A: four Daleks; Q: What does the void ship contain? Summary: The Doctor and Rose return to London and visit Jackie and learn that for a few months the Earth has experienced silhouettes which appear at a certain time each day around the world. The public have accepted these as ghosts. However, the Doctor thinks they are the impressions of something forcing its way into the universe and tracks the source to the headquarters of a secret organisation known as Torchwood . Torchwood's director Yvonne Hartman reveals that the ghosts are a result of a breach in the universe which a spherical "void ship", kept at Torchwood, has arrived. Three employees of Torchwood are manipulated to open the breach, which breaks down and causes millions of the ghosts to appear worldwide and shift into their true form of the Cybermen from the parallel universe. However, the Cybermen merely followed the void ship through the breach, and the ship is revealed to contain four Daleks .
Opening scene - Harbor school - Ryan and Seth are walking outside Seth: so uh you an Marissa...you guys broken up, you guys takin a break what's the deal? Ryan: I don't know I guess we're just uh not seeing each other Seth: ooh except you will see each other of course...you know at school every day for the next couple'a years Ryan: right...well we'll uh we'll jus got back to bein friends Seth: (looks at Ryan) when were you guys ever friends, was it when you were beatin up her boyfriend or uh spooning in a Tijuana motel, is that when you were friends? Ryan: yeah, it doesn't mean we can't be friends does it Seth: (smiles) I don't know Ryan: think ill have ta see her today (Marissa and Summer are now walking) Summer: friends Coop what're you guys gonna do together, lift weights, try on wife beaters (Marissa looks at her) sorry, guys like Ryan aren't friends with girls Marissa: well I don't wanna jus be his friend, but after the whole Oliver thing I guess I need to show him he can trust me...(unsure) who knows if he'll even wanna be friends...(cheery) so how goes it with Seth Summer: weird, in public he's like this huge geek who mumbles, I don't even know what he's saying half'a the time but behind closed doors, underneath the sheets he's like the anti-Cohen, do you think ill have'ta seem him today (Back to Seth and Ryan) Seth: I think me an Summer are finally over the hump by the way...so to speak. I jus hope man that she can keep it in her trousers when she sees me today, she'll probably have her little paws all over me (phone rings) ohp its prolly her now, a little phone s*x (reads call ID) (frowns) who do I know from the 909 Ryan: (takes the phone from him) nobody (answers) hello (Theresa on a bed, in some room. I'm assuming it's her place in Chino) Theresa: Ryan, hi its Theresa...yeah Seth's mom gave me this number Ryan: hey hey how are you uh everything ok? Theresa: yeah fine I'm (we hear the noise of a shower in the background)...uh I'm actually coming out there today Ryan: (suprised) you are uh how come, I mean uh for work Theresa: yeah but...(smiles) they cant make us work all the time right, so I was thinking maybe we could hang out tonight (noise of the shower being shut off) Ryan: tonight uh sure Theresa: (laughs) don't sound so excited Ryan: no no I am I'm just-I'm just a little suprised that's all Theresa: oh you know me full'a suprises, so I-ill come by after dinner Ryan: yeah that sounds good, see ya then (Theresa hangs up the phone and we see Eddie coming out of the bathroom, he was just in the shower) Eddie: hey baby who was that? Theresa: (pushes suitcase under the bed with her foot) wrong number Eddie: oh (Theresa raises her eyebrows at him) (back to Ryan and Seth) Ryan: that was Theresa...she's in town wants ta hang out (Seth looks at him) as a friend Seth: oh, well first uh Marissa then Theresa (smirks) who knew Ryan Atwood was so friendly (Ryan nods his head, not saying anything) Theme Song - California by Phantom Planet Still at Harbor school except now we are inside, Ryan and Seth are walking in the halls and they see Marissa and Summer Seth: Summer Summer: (smiles) Cohen Marissa: Ryan Ryan: (smiles) hi (Marissa looks at him, emotionless) (Brad comes up to them) Brad: Summer (Summer turns to face him) can we talk? Summer: hey Brad, what's up? Seth: Brad! oh dude I didn't recognise you outta the speedo (Summer & Brad look at him) not that I would recognise you in the speedo but Summer: (laughs) ok (Brad and Summer walk off) Seth: gees (follows them) (Ryan and Marissa are now by themselves. they are both clearly awkward/unsure around each other) Marissa: so how are you? Ryan: (smiles) I'm uh (Marissa smiles) (smile goes) i'm-i'm late see ya (walks off) CUT TO: Brad and Summer standing together, Seth is nearby Brad: so we're doin a fundraiser...for the team, a kissing booth. I'm gonna be the guy and uh (Seth looks shocked) we're lookin for a girl who's comfortable (Seth shakes his head) bein paid to ta make out with a bunch of guys, naturally I thought of you Summer: (flattered) really? you thought of me, go (enthusiastic) totally! (smiles) I mean why not Brad: thanks Summer Summer: sure Seth: that guy jus talked to you like I wasn't even there, does he not know we're goin out Summer: (rolls her eyes) look its not like he wants ta kiss me, he jus wants me ta kiss a bunch of other dudes for money Seth: oh ok Summer: ill see you tonight (Seth doesn't look happy) my place (leans forward) you can help me practice (Summer walks away and we see Anna standing in the background) Seth: Anna Anna: so you guys are together now, well that didn't take long did it Seth: um yeah Summer an I are...an I'm sorry Anna: its ok I mean I did see it coming, it is the reason I broke up with you Seth: (mouths 'right') hey how was Pittsburgh Anna: (smiles) it was...good ta be home Seth: yeah Anna: mm-hmm Seth: Pittsburgh's also the home of uh Andy Warhol, Mr. Rogers an ketchup (shakes his head) an you can't compete with that Anna: (smiles) no you can't, yeah it was really great I got a tuna melt at my favourite diner an I saw some kind of wonderful at the midnight movie an hung out with all my friends Seth: (nods) that sounds awesome Anna: it was really nice, I guess...I didn't realise how much I missed them CUT TO: Caleb's office - Caleb is in there and Kirsten comes in Kirsten: (knocks) hey dad (walks in) you wanted ta see me Caleb: Kiki, we got a problem, it's your uncle Shaun, he was arrested last night Kirsten: (nods) your kidding for what (folds her arms) Caleb: oh he was drunk stumbled into another guest's room at the Saint Regis Kirsten: oh Shaun's ben stumbling around drunk since you met him, which was in a bar if I'm not mistaken, ill have someone in legal handle it Caleb: I was thinking you might ask Sandy Kirsten: very funny Caleb: oh he knows people at the DA's office doesn't he, he can make this whole thing go away Kirsten: he'll never do it Caleb: why not...because it would be a favor ta me Kirsten: (thinks) pretty much, yeah Caleb: well you could always tell him that it would mean alot to you Kirsten: actually it would me alot ta me...but if you want Sandy's help after all these years, then you need ta ask him because that would mean alot ta Sandy (Caleb looks at her) CUT TO: Harbor school - Seth is in the student lounge pretending to read, he's actually watching Summer with a group of guys, she's giggling and flirting. Anna comes in and sits next to Seth Seth: hey Anna: hi...so...this is you an Summer being a couple Seth: mm-hmm aint love grand Anna: yeah I can really sense the bond it's like your closeness I-it's overwhelming (Seth waves to Summer and Summer sort of waves back, but tries to disguise it) Anna: oh my gosh, wait (looks at him) is it last fall already (points) come on Seth she is totally ignoring you Seth: Anna she's not ignoring me, Summer jus has her priorities in order you know how she feels about charity (Anna laughs, then goes to say something but she stops herself) Seth: (sees) yes? Anna: yeah, goodluck with that (walks off) (Summer is still laughing with the guys, Seth is getting more and more jealous, he turns the page more roughly then he was before) CUT TO: The hall - Julie is walking, Luke is at his locker and sees her when he turns around Luke: (suprised) Mrs. Cooper, what're you doin here? Julie: (smiles) parent-teacher conference...it's good to see you Luke: well its-its good to see you too...really good you- I mean, god you look good (goes to grab her) Julie: Luke uh I'm Marissa's mother your a student at this school, we can't do this Luke: you mean...its over? Julie: (softly) no, I mean in the hall way... (smiles) ill see you tonight (Jimmy walks up to them) Jimmy: (puts hand on Julies shoulder) hey Julie Julie: Jimmy, hi, you remember Luke Jimmy: who could forget, Luke Luke: hey Mr. Cooper Jimmy: I'm glad you're here I wouldn't wanna go ta Dr Kim's office alone the woman scares me Luke: ok well uh (smiles) goodbye Mrs. Cooper...and Mr. Cooper (Jimmy nods) ill uh ill see ya...both (tries to go through a door but its locked, he's freaked out) (walks away) have a good-have a good day (Jimmy looks at him like he's crazy) CUT TO: The student lounge - Marissa and Ryan run into each other. because of what happened earlier Marissa isn't happy to see him. Ryan however smiles Ryan: hey i'm-i'm sorry about this morning that uh...it-it shouldn't have ta be Marissa: (smiles) like this Ryan: yeah Marissa: I was just sorta hoping we could be...friends you know, I mean as long as that's ok with you Ryan: yeah no we should we should uh we should hang out Marissa: (smiles) ok uh (shrugs) what're you doing tonight Ryan: tonight's no good Marissa: (laughs) uh you know what its ok we don't have ta do this (goes to walk away) Ryan: (stops her) what about after school Marissa: (thinks) um actually after schools good, its better actually cause I'm spose'ta have dinner with my dad, so uh your place Ryan: yeah see ya then (smiles) Marissa: cool CUT TO: The light house - Sandy is there eating, and Caleb walks in Caleb: well (Sandy looks up) the restaurants coming along Sandy, at this rate you'll be open by 2008 Sandy: an there goes my appetite, Caleb hello Caleb: (referring to the food) what the hell is that? Sandy: it's my mother's meat loaf Caleb: oh god your mothers here (looks around) Sandy: her recipe is, we're tryin out a chef, you want some? Caleb: actually I think the sight of your mother's meatloaf has turned me into a vegetarian Sandy: (sighs) look I know your a big fan of the pop in but is there another reason why your here Caleb: i've (sits) come to ask a favor Sandy: (shocked, sits forward) I'm sorry what'did you say Caleb: you didn't hear me Sandy: no I heard ya I-I I jus wanna make you say it again (smiles) Caleb: a friend'a mines in trouble I want ya ta help him out Sandy: oh I didn't know you had friends Caleb: it's Bill Shaunessy Sandy: Uncle Shaun, yeah well you pay Uncle Shaun ta be your friend, well I guess he qualifies what'did he do Caleb: oh he was drinking accidentally stumbled inta someone else's hotel room, they called security an now it's a legal matter Sandy: well you got a team'a high priced barristers at your beckon call Caleb: he came ta me as a friend, I want it handled like a friend (nods) quietly Sandy: by someone who has a relationship with the DA's office (drinks his drink) Caleb: Sandy I'm asking you, i've know Shaun for over 40 years...it would mean alot ta me Sandy: did Kirsten tell you ta say that Caleb: she thinks you're gonna say no Sandy: oh my wife knows me pretty well...but you know sometimes I like ta suprise her, I don't want her to go an get all conceited an stuff you know, ya have a copy of the police report? (Caleb gets it) now I'm not saying that ill do it I'm saying that ill take a look at the report ill make some calls an then we'll see (reads the report) Caleb: (nods) got anymore'a that meatloaf? Sandy: maybe CUT TO: Harbor school - Julie and Jimmy are coming out of Dr Kim's office Jimmy: well that was a relief, Dr Kim seems to think Marissa's doing well, I was sure she was gonna revoke my license ta parent Julie: you know Jimmy I don't think I ever really thanked you Jimmy: that's not true Jules you've thanked me for alienating the community, destroying the family- Julie: for doing a wonderful job with Marissa (Jimmy is thrown by that) I'm serious listening to you in that meeting, you're totally involved in her life Jimmy: (laughs) you an Caleb must be doing really well Julie: (frowns) why would you say that Jimmy: because you're being so (shrugs) nice Julie: well actually Caleb an I aren't seeing each other anymore...and I'm much happier Jimmy: huh an ta think (frowns) you've spent a life time wanting ta be rich an married...when what agrees with you most is being poor an alone (laughs) (Julie smiles) CUT TO: Summer's bedroom - Seth and Summer are underneath the sheets, kissing Summer: isn't it better when we're alone, jus the two of us Seth: hey, why did you ignore me at school today? Summer: I didn't ignore you (Seth looks at her) ugh ok maybe a little (Seth sits up on his elbows) I just I want our relationship to be private ok, I don't like other people knowing my business Seth: why not Summer: because its none'a there business...look there's like...pressure an scrutiny in the spotlight Seth: (sits up) what spotlight? Summer: when has being in the public eye ever helped a relationship huh yeah sure we're this weeks hottest couple but then the world gets sick of it the shopping sprees the strip clubs, people turn against us ok how many juicy sweat suits does she need (Seth has no idea what she's on about) oh that goatee is soo mid 90s (faster) an pretty soon the movie bombs and the wedding is called off (Seth looks at her) (touches his chin) but I'm not gonna let that happen ta us, cause Cohen, what we have is special Seth: (frowning) Summer...that's maybe jus (Summer kisses him and pulls him under the blanket) CUT TO: Cohen house - Ryan and Marissa are playing psx in the living room. Marissa loses Marissa: guess I'm not very good Ryan: yeah (laughs) Marissa: want a rematch? cause I couldn't possibly get any worse Ryan: (smiles) nah no I uh I should probably start on my home work Marissa: oh yeah me too, I mean my dads probably waiting... (unsure) is this I don't know are we Ryan: why-why is this weird? Marissa: (laughs) it shouldn't be Ryan: I know we use'ta hang out all the time an- Marissa: (laughs) make out Ryan: we could always fight about Luke Marissa: or Oliver Ryan: (half smiles) uh-hm Marissa: sorry...I jus (Rosa brings Theresa in) Theresa: hey Ryan (Marissa looks at him, Ryan looks at her) Theresa: hey Marissa (Marissa doesn't say anything) um I-I'm early sorry ill go an come back later Ryan: no no its ok we weren't uh we weren't doin anything Marissa: yeah I was jus leaving, hes got alotta home work (stands up) good ta see you Theresa Theresa: its nice ta see you too (Ryan watches Marissa leave) Theresa: ooh the ninja game (sits) your dead CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - Sandy and Kirsten are in there talking about Uncle Shaun Sandy: considering he is your Uncle Shaun don't you think it's a little weird that we have never met Kirsten: he's not really my uncle (turns to face Sandy) an he pretty much works all the time Sandy: doing what Kirsten: he's a consultant Sandy: coul-could you please be a little more vague Kirsten: he knows...people Sandy: you did it! that was more vague Kirsten: (smiles) the guys at the permit office, the union guys he's our liaison Sandy: ah-huh (Kirsten nods) ah-huh...well I looked over the police report, I put in a few calls an I'm sure ill hear somethin back before we get together tonight Kirsten: (leans over) thankyou (Ryan and Seth come in) Seth: over exposure Ryan it's a major source of conflict in new relationships 'Summereth' 'Sethummer' you understand what I'm sayin Ryan: (sits at the counter to eat breakfast) no, no but that's normal Kirsten: uh Ryan your friend Theresa called Sandy: i'd like ta meet Theresa Ryan: yeah she'd like to meet you guys Kirsten: uh what is she doin out here? Ryan: she's uh taking a semester off makin some money catering a tennis tournament uh her mom got laid off (Kirsten nods) Seth: so she's out here a while then hmm does Marissa know? I'm jus curious Ryan: they kinda bumped into each other Seth: (laughs) heeeey look at you the friend guy bringin friends together Kirsten: I sense sarcasm Seth: well your perceptive mother this uh mysterious caliente female from your past jus shows up (Ryan smiles) outta nowhere with ah all this time on her hands an no one ta spend it with but you Sandy: an Marissa's ok with this Seth: ooooh yeah Marissa's fine there goin back ta bein friends so Sandy: (confused) sooo when were they ever friends? (Seth turns to face Ryan and looks at him) CUT TO: Mermaid Inn - Julie and Luke are in a room, Luke is putting his pants on and Julie is sitting on the bed smiling Luke: (sighs) you are so beautiful you know that Julie: (laughs) your very sweet Luke: (jumps up on the bed) I wish we could stay here forever Julie: why Luke: we got everything we need we got a bed we got our cable hmm (kisses her) we got each other (kiss) this place is awesome Julie: it's not awesome its seventy nine dollars a night (kisses him) Luke: mm I gotta motor (gets off the bed) I don't wanna be late for home room Julie: you have home room...right cause your in high school and your only eighteen (phone rings, answers) Kaitlin are you ok?...what'd you mean your in front of the house Chester's mom was spose to pick you up at grandmas an take you to school...your diorama uh yeah I think its in the living room honey...ok just wait-wait there with grandma ill be there as soon as I can...ok see you soon Luke: ill see ya tonight? Julie: (sighs) Luke (puts her top on) motels home rooms dioramas, this is not the stuff of great romance Luke: (disappointed) but Mrs.- Julie Julie: (kisses him on the forehead) oh I'm sorry Luke: (sad) no worries Julie: good (Luke comes out of the hotel room and we see Theresa walk passed him on the way to her room which is next door) CUT TO: Harbor school - Ryan is outside walking with his lunch, he goes over to Marissa who is at a table by herself Ryan: hey, you mind if uh (motions to sit) Marissa: (smiles) no (motions for him to sit) Ryan: thanks (sits) (at the same time) Ryan: so sorry about the- Marissa: sorry I was such a- (smiles) Ryan: I shoulda told you she was comin Marissa: oh you didn't have to, but you could of I mean now that we're friends right Ryan: right (smiles) Marissa: so are you an Theresa... Ryan: we're friends Marissa: oh, an she's back in town for- Ryan: work, she's uh staying till the end'a the week Marissa: where's she staying? Ryan: (frowns) uh the a the motel out by the peer the uh the-the (unsure) the sea...shell sea...monkey (laughs) Marissa: (laughs) the mermaid Ryan: (smiles) right Marissa: (excited) hey so I was thinking maybe next week we could have that rematch Ryan: yeah, you think you're up for it Marissa: hey what I lack in numchucks I make up for in saber (raises her eyebrows) CUT TO: Seth and Anna walking outside Anna: so, did you talk to Summer yesterday Seth: oh yeah Anna: oh yeah? Seth: well we talked about uh-uh school an-an sports an the weather but uh if your referring to the part where she's ashamed'a me no, we didn't get to that (Anna goes to say something, then stops herself like before) Seth: were you gonna say somethin (Anna shakes her head) somethin very wise an helpful Anna...hmm Anna: no Seth: no, you got nothin no advice at all for me Anna: (shakes her head) mm-mm Seth: it looked like you did Anna: (frustrated) ugh why do I do this! Seth: because you're so wise Anna ya cant not Anna: (giving in) alright fine look, you have to take a stand alright you cant let Summer get away with this otherwise she does have something to be ashamed of because then...her boyfriend is a coward (Summer walks up with some guys, one of which knocks into Seth and doesn't apologise) Summer: oh, hey I'm jus going to help with the kissing booth you know cause I love ta help (laughs, walks off) Seth: right coward, got it CUT TO: The light house - Sandy walks in and Uncle Shaun is in there waiting for him Shaun: aah hope you don't mind, I let myself in through the back Sandy: it's what you do, famous Uncle Shaun Shaun: (laughs) here (pours him a drink) famous grouse, I haven't seen a bottle of this since Bob Mitchum passed Sandy: (sits) you knew Robert Mitchum Shaun: yeah you know he an his wife er Dorothy they use'ta have a place over there on Linda Isle (points) that was their favourite booth, Sunday dinners, chicken parm Sandy: I'm partial to the parm myself and a lover of blended scotch (picks up the glass) salatchi(?) Shaun: (laughs) an Caleb keeps sayin you have no redeeming qualities Sandy: (swallows) so I read the police report I just have a couple'a questions, this fella whose pressing charges, he's in the construction business Shaun: really, huh Sandy: yeah yeah he's a lumbar supplier one'a the biggest in the country, infact he was in town on a negotiation with one'a the Newport group's chief rivals Shaun: imagine that Sandy: yeah I'm guessing that in that room that you accidentally stumbled into were documents containing information that would be very valuable ta somebody like Caleb Shaun: you think Sandy: (sits forward) you expect me or the DA's office ta believe that a belly full'a liquor or a wild coincidence would put you in that room (smiling) you were there for Caleb Shaun: (laughs) that's an interesting theory...an one I you know I hope you don't explore to much cause uh, what is it Sandy, Sandy you know Caleb an I have ben friends for many years (laughs) an if I were ta si'down with the DA there's no...telling what we might talk about (laughs) (Sandy looks at him) CUT TO: The beach - Ryan and Theresa are walking on the sand eating ice cream Ryan: so what'do you think? Theresa: it's good Ryan: yeah Theresa: mm (eats some) Ryan: (eats some) they call em Balboa bars Theresa: its just ice cream Ryan: no such thing as just ice cream in Newport (laughs) like instead of-instead of car washes they have auto-spas, dogs have day care, Fashion Island has valet parking, it's a weird place Theresa: still...it's beautiful...I can see why you wanna live here, start over Ryan: is that why you came back here, ta start over Theresa: (looks at him) no, I couldn't, i've got my mom ta think about...my brother...an Eddie Ryan: you guys are still uh... Theresa: we're taking some time apart you know ta see if we really belong together...what about you an Marissa Ryan: kinda the same thing I guess, we're tryin'a be friends but it hasn't exactly ben easy...actually it's never really ben- Theresa: like this...that's cause I've never really liked you Ryan: true, makes things easier (both smile, laugh) (shots of them walking along the beach at sunset) CUT TO: Summer's bedroom - Summer and Seth are in there together Summer: do you need to stretch so you won't pull a hammy? (laughs) or are you ready for your work out Seth: (puts his hand up) I'm sorry Summer...I needa take a stand ok this whole separation of the public an private spheres is not workin for me I cant do it Summer: but I told you how I- Seth: one day you know ya might have a series of MTV driven radio hits, an then you know a little moderately priced teen clothing line (Summer folds her arms) I could get offered twenty million dollars to portray a blind super hero in a red leather unitard but until then as long as we're (emphasis) complete faceless nobodies (Summer rolls her eyes) living in obscurity (shakes his head) I cant acknowledge you privately if your not gonna acknowledge me publicly Summer: (frowns) Cohen! Seth: so let'me know when your ready'ta come to the bargaining table but until then (points) you jus go ahead an consider me on strike Summer: well you'll be crossing your own picket line in no time Seth: (walking out) (makes a fist) fight the power (Summer throws a stuffed toy in his general direction) CUT TO: Out the front of the Cohen house - Ryan comes home on his bike and Eddie is wating for him Ryan: Eddie Eddie: hey Ryan: hey man Eddie: how's it goin Ryan, its good ta see you man (does hand shake/hug thingy with him) (Ryan smiles) you look good, you look good man, y'know I went up an visited your brother last week, it kills me that he's still servin time, sucks huh Ryan: yeah, yeah its ben a while man what uh what're you doin here Eddie: well...actually um...I'm looking for Theresa Ryan: (frowns) Theresa Eddie: yeah well you know her mom said she was workin out here in Newport an your brother said you were livin the life out here you know so I...I don't know I thought maybe you'd seen her Ryan: she-she didn't leave a note or something? Eddie: no...nothing, some thanks for the ring I got her huh Ryan: ring? Eddie: yeah, we're uh...engaged Ryan: (suprised) engaged (Eddie nods) damn Eddie that's-that's great man Eddie: yeah, yeah it is...so she uh...I mean she hasn't looked you up at all Ryan: nah sorry Eddie: eh (laughs) your really livin the dream out here huh Ryan: yeah you said it Eddie: that's alright you deserve it man, you know puttin up with Trey for all those years (they look at each other) alright I'm gonna get outta here but um...hey if you see her you know just- Ryan: yeah Eddie: (opens the car door) I don't know I just-I just...I can't believe she ran out on me like that Ryan: (nods) either can I CUT TO: Mermaid Inn - Ryan and Theresa are in Theresa's room Ryan: were you gonna tell me you were engaged Theresa: I'm not engaged Ryan: what the hell are you doin? Theresa: he asked I didn't say yes Ryan: so you jus took off, you think that'll fix everything Theresa: you did (Ryan doesn't say anything) sorry Ryan: your gonna have'ta face him sooner or later Theresa: (sighs) I-I just need time ta think Ryan: (worked up) yeah ya need about 5 years your-your seventeen Theresa: an what's gonna be different for me in 5 years, or have you totally forgotten where you come from Ryan: oh come on Theresa: no not everybody has an infinity pool in their backyard goes to private school an drives around in a range rover Ryan: what the hell are you even talkin about? Theresa: Eddie's got his own place he's a foreman at work and he's not a drunk or a screw up like the rest of his friends Ryan: all good reasons ta marry him Theresa: an he loves me Ryan: an you... Theresa: (shakes her head) I jus need time (they both look at each other, not saying anything) Ryan: (sighs) what're you doin for dinner Theresa: nothing Ryan: don't say you're not hungry I know you Theresa: I didn't say I wasn't hungry, I'm starving why'do ya think I'm bein such a bitch Ryan: so what're you gonna do eat outta the vending machine, c'mon, c'mon your comin to the house with me (throws her car keys) Theresa: you just need a ride Ryan: ah-huh [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO: The Cohen house - Seth answers the door and a very worked up Summer is there Summer: upstairs alone now (walks in) Seth: upstairs alone um I'm afraid i'd have ta file a grievance with the union Summer: i've had enough Cohen Seth: I left your house two hours ago Summer: yeah well it feels like four...an i've ben thinking about what you said an I find it totally insensitive Seth: I'm being insensitive really Summer: yeah Seth: how Summer: (worked up) well why can't you accept that I'm not comfortable with public displays of affection Seth: (can't believe what she said) (worked up) your offering yourself for ten dollars a pop at a kissing booth! how much more publicly can affection be displayed Summer: (calm) look, I know there's a strike...but technically (goes closer to him) you wouldn't be considered a scab Seth: Summer don't say scab Summer: if you didn't have'ta do anything (Seth looks at her, Summer smiles) Seth: (softly in her ear) well your strike busting techniques are no good here, sorry the rank an file are holding strong (Summer walks out, confused) (holds his fist up) solidarity CUT TO: Julie's front door - Julie opens it and Caleb is standing there Julie: (suprised) Cal um what a suprise Caleb: a welcome one I hope Julie: (smiles) well that depends, you've brought flowers (Caleb hands them to her) thankyou there beautiful Caleb: i've missed you Julie: i've missed you too Caleb: lets face it Julie we're neither of us love struck adolescents looking for to be swept off our feet we're both adults (Julies smile goes) our lives are full of responsibilities, difficulties Julie: well isn't this romantic Caleb: we should be able to come to some arrangement, where we get from a relationship what we want Julie: (angry) is this a booty call Caleb: (confused) what's a booty...call Julie: its when you show up at night un announced no apologies no compliments no commitments just some crappy mini carns from Ralph's (throws the flowers at him) and the very mistaken idea that I just might wanna f- (slams door) (porch light goes off and Caleb just stands there, he picks up flowers and begins to walk away) Caleb: guess it was a booty call CUT TO: Cohen kitchen - Sandy and Kirsten are in there preparing dinner Sandy: how much are you involved with Uncle Shaun day to day? Kirsten: not much, he spends most of his time outta the office, on site with the crews, suppliers, inspectors Sandy: well you gotta be a real hard ass to be good at that job lots'a tough characters in that world Kirsten: I'm sure Shaun can be persuasive when he needs'ta be Sandy: convincing argument persuasive or...baseball bat persuasive Kirsten: look if you don't wanna help him I understand, I didn't think you'd do it in the first place (Seth walks in) Kirsten: hey dinners ready, slaved over hot take out containers Sandy: Ryan here? (Ryan and Theresa walk in) Ryan: hey Sandy: hey Ryan: uh this is Theresa (smiles) Theresa: hi Seth: hello friend (Ryan looks at him, Seth raises his eyebrows) Kirsten: (smiles) nice to meet you uh I'm Kirsten an this is Sandy: Sandy (shakes her hand) hi i've heard so much about ya Theresa: its nice to meet you all, can I help it looks great Kirsten: sure um the key is taking the food out of the styrofoam containers Sandy: but her real specialty is ordering Theresa: (in the background) is the silverware over here or (Ryan and Seth are standing together, Kirsten, Sandy and Theresa are around the table) Seth: what's goin on here an don't say nothing cause it's not nothin its somethin- Ryan: (sighs) she's engaged Seth: wow, you make quick work with the ladies Ryan: t-ta this guy Eddie Seth: oh she jus told you Ryan: no, he did when he showed up looking for her (looks at him then takes the plates to the table) (Seth has his mouth open, Sandy and Kirsten walk over to him) Sandy: alright what's goin on here? Kirsten: an don't say nothing Sandy: yeah because it's not nothin it's something Seth: its is something parents what we have here is our very own (whispers) Telenovela Kirsten: Telenovela? Seth: yeah Spanish language soap opera, Nina Amada Mia...I hope Isobel gets Victor I do love his handle bar mustache (in the background) Theresa: you do it Ryan: give it to me Sandy: ai adios mio CUT TO: Jimmy's house - Marissa is lying on the lounge in the dark watching 'The Valley' TV: Previously on The Valley (Jimmy comes in the door) Jimmy: hey (turns light on) what're you doin home I thought you'd be over at Ryan's house Marissa: yeah he's kinda busy, a friend from home (cold)Theresa Jimmy: (frowns) and your ok with that Marissa: yeah it's not a big deal Jimmy: it is kind of a big deal I mean he's important to ya Marissa: (sitting up) actually dad what's important to me is that we not talk about this right now, cause I'm fine...its jus high school Jimmy: hey that's spose'ta be my line ok your spose'ta say how I could never understand and how Ryan's the most important thing in the world and without him Marissa: (smiles) we're just friends...or at least we're tryin'a be Jimmy: look at the risk of embarrassing you, you an Ryan (shakes his head) never friends Marissa: so i've ben told (sighs) but if we can't be friends then (shrugs) Jimmy: then you need ta let him know what you wanna be (Marissa looks at him) see there's still room around here for me ta be the adult (Marissa smiles) ok (Marissa looks as though she's thinking) CUT TO: Cohen dining room - they are all sitting around the table. Sandy is at the end, Kirsten on the left of him, Seth next to her, and Theresa and Ryan opposite them Theresa: so we're all dressed up for my brothers sixteenth birthday Ryan: no,no,no no not this one, don't you have anything that doesn't involve me falling down or getting injured (Theresa laughs) Seth: did Ryan fall down when you did musicals, maybe you could tell us about that Sandy: (suprised) you did musicals, I did a musical or two myself in college Kirsten: oh someone please stop him before he starts singing grease lightening Seth: do it dad Travolta's your bitch! (Theresa laughs) Sandy: oh thankyou son Kirsten: (to Theresa) go ahead Theresa: so we were at the holiday inn at the revolving restaurant an Ryan has this thing about heights (door bell) Kirsten: uh ill get it, scuse me (Theresa looks at Ryan, and Ryan looks uncomfortable. Kirsten answers the door and it's Marissa) Kirsten: hey sweetie Marissa: hey, is Ryan here Kirsten: uh yes he-he is (cut back to the table) Seth: I love revolving restaurants Sandy: who doesn't, motion indigestion, unbeatable combination (Kirsten an Marissa walk in) Kirsten: uh look who's here Marissa: hey Ryan: (stunned) h-hi (Marissa and Theresa look at each other uncomfortably) Sandy: d-does everybody (stands) know everybody Marissa: yeah, hi Theresa Theresa: hi Marissa (Seth looks at Marissa, then Theresa) Sandy: ya hungry Marissa: actually I'm starved (touches her stomach) is it ok? Seth: yeah Sandy: sure Kirsten: absolutely have a seat (points) Ryan: let me get you a plate (Marissa sits, Theresa looks at Ryan getting up, then Marissa, they sort of smile at each other, but you can tell it's uncomfortable. Ryan puts the plate and silverware down for her) Marissa: so, what's everyone talking about (smiles) CUT TO: The pool house the next morning - Ryan is getting ready for school and Seth comes in Seth: hey man phone for you it's uh Eddie (Ryan motions to Seth that he's not here) hey man I cant find him um do ya want me ta take a message...apparently not he hung up. so uh dinner last night entertaining for the rest of us but for you wow Ryan: what last night Seth: yeah last night the whole uh dinner theatre Telenovela thing you performed Ryan: (confused) Tele...novela Seth: yeah Spanish language sudser, telemundo dude (Ryan still doesn't understand) univision, Victor with the sexy handlebar moustache, comprende? Ryan: nada Seth: Ci, so you still have the mindset that your the friend guy huh (Ryan looks at him) befriending any tall beautiful woman who cares to dine with us Ryan: I'm workin on it Seth: right, well...if I may speaking from a recent personal experience (sits on the chair) the triangles uh not a friendly shape ok, its pointy its got sharp edges, triangles hurt people man Ryan: there is no triangle Marissa an I aren't together, an Theresa's just here's for work Seth: except for the fact that Marissa still obviously has feelings for you an Theresa obviously has feelings for you. infact the only thing that's not obvious...is how Ryan Atwood feels Ryan: (sighs) I don't know it's complicated Seth: (nods) that's right it is complicated, it's complicated by the fact that there's an Eddie, an this Eddie still obviously has feelings for Theresa, infact that would actually make this romantic triangle more of a romantic...rhombus Ryan: so what am I supposed ta do? Seth: that, I don't know, but I would do something soon otherwise (stands) someone's gonna get hurt...and judging from Eddies phone voice its probably gonna be you (Seth walks out, Ryan sits there thinking) CUT TO: Caleb's office - Caleb is there with Sandy Caleb: what the hell do you expect Sandy, constructions a dirty business, bids accepted below cost, permits mysteriously approved at the last second, guys like Shaun are the life blood of the industry Sandy: well (stands) that was a touching speech Cal but still the answers no, good luck Caleb: your opening a pandora's box you know that (Sandy turns back, listening) Shaun's old he's tired if the DA starts asking questions he's got lots of answers Sandy: well if you build your empire on quick sand sooner or later it's gonna sink Caleb: an what about Kirsten, she's complicit in all this to Sandy: she doesn't know anything about this Caleb: because I didn't tell her...I was trying to protect her, but she's number 2 here at Newport group, she signs Shaun's paychecks, so like it or not we're in this mess together (Sandy just stares, stunned) CUT TO: Harbor school - Anna is playing a video game in the student lounge, Summer goes over to her Summer: hey Anna: hi Summer: look I'm sorry ok its not like Cohen an I planned ta get together it sorta jus happened and if it makes you feel any better I don't think its gonna work out Anna: (upset) well that makes me feel great Summer: ...I jus cant be like one of those couples you know who hold hands in the hall way an make out in between classes, let the whole world know what's going on, its none'a their business you know Anna: yeah well you don't have to ignore him Summer Summer: I don't ignore him (Anna looks at her as if to say 'please') ok maybe a little but only in public Anna: look you spent so much time trying ta get his attention, I mean you dressed up as wonder woman, well wonder woman is spose'ta have an invisible jet not an invisible boyfriend (Summer doesn't say anything) I mean either your really evil or there's something else going on Summer: (softly) (shrugs) I jus don't know why he likes me, I mean he's way smarter an we have like less then nothing in common an he's just gonna get bored with me because pretty much all boys do, an if everybody knows we're dating then everyone will know when he breaks up with me, which he will...I mean dumped by Seth Cohen...its real good for my reputation (Anna stands there stunned) CUT TO: Luke is at his locker, his phone rings Luke: (answers) hello Julie: Luke Luke: hey Mrs.- Julie: do - not say my name out loud, come to the motel park across the street an then walk ill get the same room knock twice so I know it's you, and Luke this is a booty call (Luke smiles and hangs up) CUT TO: Seth is at his locker, Anna comes over to him Anna: it turns out that you're not the only one who's a coward Seth: oh, well it's nice to see you also Anna Anna: Summer's scared too Seth: I know she is, she's scared of being seen in public with me its fine Anna: come on, Cohen, she fought for you she was fearless, ruthless infact...now she's got you...there's nothing scarier then that Seth: (confused) nothing scarier then being with me? or do you mean like anyone Anna: look once you get what you want, that's when you've got something ta lose (Seth doesn't say anything) she's afraid of losing you Cohen Seth: why? I'm not goin anywhere Anna: maybe you need to let her know that (Seth stands there, thinking) CUT TO: Mermaid Inn - Marissa goes to see Theresa Marissa: (knocks) hi Theresa: hey Marissa: can we talk...I know its weird me being here but I jus really needed to know Theresa: am I still in love with Ryan (Marissa nods) because you still are Marissa: I don't wanna be, it would be a whole lot easier if I wasn't (Theresa motions for her to come in) CUT TO: Ryan driving in the car, it then goes to Eddie at work. Ryan goes in looking for him Eddie: hey man (hand shake thingy) what's up, it's a long drive just ta come say hello Ryan: last night when you asked me about Theresa...I wasn't completely honest Eddie: (looks at Ryan) Carl I'm gonna take a break alright (they walk over to a deserted area of the factory) Eddie: (upset) so why lie Ryan: I'm sorry man I-I (shrugs) I didn't know Eddie: is she stayin with you Ryan: no she's workin like her mom said Eddie: (sighs) still uh I mean I pop the question an then...she runs away... (shrugs) to you CUT TO: Marissa and Theresa in the room Marissa: (suprised) married (Theresa nods) wow Theresa: yeah that's the plan Marissa: you must really love him alot CUT TO: Ryan and Eddie Eddie: do you love her Ryan: I-I don't know Eddie: yeah well I do ok I do...an I wanna take care of her, do you? I mean can you?...look I know this is tough I-I cant tell you what to do...but if you wanted to you could talk ta her you know convince her ta come home, otherwise you better be ready ta fight for her cause I'm not jus gonna walk away ok, I cant (begins to walk away) you got a long ride home...you got alot ta think about CUT TO: Marissa and Theresa Theresa: in the church where my mom goes there's this stain glass window of Theresa of Avila...her hearts being pierced by the arrow of an angel (Marissa listens) her eyes are closed an even thought it hurts her ta love that much she has the most beautiful smile (Marissa smiles) I remember my first communion I was wearing a white dress an gloves (voice over, with scenes of Ryan driving home) an I looked up at that window an I thought some day someone would pierce my heart (end v.o) an I would walk down the aisle in a real white dress an understand why she's smiling (Ryan driving again) (laughs) I know it sounds lame (Marissa shakes her head, smiling) but I guess life's not really like that, ya cant get all caught up in wishing for something that's not gonna happen, you gotta hold onta the next best thing (Marissa looks as though she's thinking) I guess I should call Eddie Marissa: yeah I should uh get back to school (Theresa nods) (we see Julie in disguise going into room 205, just as she goes in Marissa comes out) Marissa: so thanks Theresa: I can see why Ryan likes it here (they both smile, Marissa leaves) CUT TO: Harbor school - Summer is at the kissing booth in the student lounge. Seth pushes to the front of the line Seth: (to guy) ah here you go here's a full refund (hands him money) thanks alot thanks for comin, shows over you guys thanks so much though it was great havin you (Summer is shocked) Brad: this kid botherin you Summer Summer: no its ok thanks Seth: yeah thanks Summer: Cohen you're making a scene Seth: I need'a talk to you right now Summer: (trying to get rid of him) I'll IM you later Seth: ok (Seth tries to get on top of the booth, he struggles to get his leg up. Anna looks over and sees. Seth uses a near by chair and walks up on top of the booth) Seth: let's talk up here (motions for her to come up) Summer: (puts her hands on her head) oh my god, no Seth: Summer I know you're scared Summer: (looks up) yeah of you Seth: you kiss all these other guys but you wont kiss me...acknowledge me now or lose me forever Brad: wait your dating this emo geek Seth: yes Brad she's dating this emo geek (to everyone) yeah that's right um I'm a big dork an I listen'a emo an I'm dating her (points) Summer: (embarrassed) why are you doing this Seth: cause Summer I like you, this much an if you don't feel the same way about me then...someone's gonna have'ta give me a hand down because its really high up here an I could fall an that would be embarrassing, more embarrassing (Summer looks up at him, he puts his hand out to her she hesitates then smiles and gets up with him. the guys standing around all frown, the girls are all looking at them lovey dovey and 'awww' like) Summer: (holding his hand) I can't believe this Seth: (smiles) its all over but the big public make out session (Summer kisses him, Anna watches smiling, then she looks kind of sad. the guys all walk away but the girls are watching still with lovey dovey looks) Summer: that'll be ten bucks Cohen Seth: that's for a worthy cause (they kiss again) CUT TO: Theresa's room - she's packing her suitcase and on the phone Theresa: hey Carl can I talk ta Eddie...yeah...yeah ill hold on (knock at the door) (Theresa puts the phone down and opens the door, it's Ryan) Ryan: hi Theresa: hey Ryan: you packing Theresa: (goes outside) yeah, I think I should probably go home, seems like the right thing ta do right Ryan: you gotta do what's right for you...for you an Eddie (Theresa nods) an I gotta-i gotta figure out what's right for me...an Marissa Theresa: (nods) right Ryan: (getting closer to her) so if it's the right thing to do why don't I want ya to go Theresa: why don't I wanna go? (they look at each other) Ryan: I can think of a reason (he kisses her) (we fade to the phone that Theresa left on the bed) Eddie: hello, hello, Theresa are you there? Theresa? (fade out)	Plan: A: Ryan; Q: Who realizes Theresa isn't telling the truth about why she's staying in Newport? A: Summer; Q: Who keeps her relationship with Seth private? A: support; Q: What does Summer turn to Anna for? A: Sandy; Q: Who finds himself in the middle of Caleb's mess? A: Jimmy; Q: Who suspects something between Julie and Luke? Summary: Ryan realizes Theresa isn't telling him the truth on why she's staying in Newport. Summer keeps her relationship with Seth private, turning him to Anna for support. Meanwhile, Sandy finds himself in the middle of Caleb's mess. Also, Jimmy suspects something between Julie and Luke.
(Hong Kong. Outside Tyno-Chem Engineering, a man runs out, covered in blood, yelling in Chinese. He's been shot. A young blond man carrying a massive gun calmly walks out behind him. People scream and run. The young man pauses and stares at the man. He falls to the ground. The young man shoots him twice. He falls to the ground.) (SD-6 conference room with Sloane, Jack, Dixon, Sydney and Marshall.) SLOANE: You're looking at surveillance footage taken from outside Tyno-Chem Engineering, which, as you know, is the front company for FTL headquarters. You may recognize the man on the ground as Quan Li-- SYDNEY: Wait, wait, wait. Quan Li was assassinated? DIXON: The head of FTL? SLOANE: Yes. His entire security detail was ambushed inside the building, leaving Li utterly defenseless. SYDNEY: Have you I.D.d the shooter? SLOANE: His face didn't appear in any of our databases. DIXON: He doesn't seem to mind being photographed. SLOANE: This young man led a commando unit into FTL headquarters at precisely the same time we were attacked here. The objective was the same. They were there to steal a Rambaldi artifact. JACK: Their agent roster was compromised. Their entire network crumbled within hours of the attack. DIXON: What you're saying is... FTL no longer exists? (Jack nods.) MARSHALL: Um... sorry, stupid question, but, uh, since FTL is--sorry, was an enemy for, like, ever, shouldn't we be drinking champagne? JACK: Someone had the means to launch a unilateral attack on us and FTL. And we haven't got a clue who's responsible. SLOANE: In addition, they now have what seems to be the most significant collection of Rambaldi artifacts in the world. They may, in fact, have enough to uncover what Rambaldi was ultimately working on before we do. MARSHALL: Oh. Yeah, that does suck. JACK: This new enemy isn't stopping there. Our assets in Vladivostock intercepted a communique last night. A group claiming responsibility for the two attacks has contacted K-Directorate. They've proposed a meeting later this week to disucss the sharing of Rambaldi technology. SLOANE: This man's name is Brandon Dahlgren. He lives year-round in a penthouse at the Regal Casino. He's a go-between for K-Directorate. Dahlgren is expecting to receive a phone call detailing the time and location of this meeting. This is information that we need. Dixon, you're on point for this one. Sydney, you're on comms. JACK: (to Dixon) You're going in as Darian Buchanan. He's a delegate for the Jamaican parliament who plans to visit Las Vegas next week. As soon as we know that he's actually en route, you'll go in posing as Buchanan. You'll be flagged as a VIP so you can gamble in the casino's private gaming suite where Dahlgren regularly plays. That's where you'll plant the bug. Marshall's making one that matches a ring Dahlgren wears. SLOANE: Be prepared to leave as soon as we get word that Buchanan's plane is in the air. That's it. (Everyone gets up to leave.) SLOANE: Sydney, stay a minute. (Everyone else leaves.) SYDNEY: Everything okay? SLOANE: That's funny. I was about to ask you the same question. Listen... I don't mean to pry, but I had a conversation with your father about your mother. He told you that she was KGB. I'm sorry. SYDNEY: It's okay. SLOANE: I want to tell you again how much I appreciate your service to SD-6 during the incident last week. Every person here owes you their life. SYDNEY: How's the finger? SLOANE: Um... well... I'm told it's going to heal nicely. Thank you. Shall we? (They walk out. Everyone is gathered around, clapping and smiling in honor of Sydney. She looks at them. Dixon and everyone is beaming with pride. Sloane smiles at Sydney.) SYDNEY: (voice over) I felt sick. All those people standing there, patriots, believing they work for the U.S. government. None of them realizing the information they gather is only being used by heartless men like Arvin Sloane for an organization that would trade their lives for a profit in a heartbeat. (Bus. Sydney and Vaughn in an empty car.) SYDNEY: I just wanted to rip his finger right off again. (Vaughn chuckles.) SYDNEY: Does that make me a bad person? VAUGHN: No. That might have blown your cover. SYDNEY: You think? VAUGHN: Yeah. Look, you'll tag Dahlgren in Vegahs. When SD-6 gets more specifics about the meeting, we'll figure out what our next move is. SYDNEY: Did the guy from your offic end up reporting you? VAUGHN: Haladki? Yeah, he did. But Devlin only slapped me on the wrist. Even though going into SD-6 without clearance wasn't exactly constitutional. (Sydney rubs her jaw and winces.) VAUGHN: I was kind of hoping he'd get nailed for snitching but I guess we kind of broke even on this one. Are you okay? SYDNEY: It's nothing. I'm just a little bruised. VAUGHN: Oh. You can't really tell. SYDNEY: That's because I'm wearing, like, a pound of cover-up. (They lock eyes and then look away.) (SD-6. Sydney walks with Jack.) JACK: We just heard from our surveillance team in Jamaica. Buchanan's pilot's been called to the airstrip. It could indicate he'll be off the ground by the end of the day. You should be ready to leave late this afternoon. SYDNEY: That's fine. I just have to swing by school. JACK: How uh... how's that going? SYDNEY: School? Good. JACK: Okay. (He starts to leave.) SYDNEY: Actually... um, since you're asking... I've gone from thinking that my mother was a literature professor to finding out that she was KGB. I'm sure when you found that out, you must have felt as lost as I do. (Jack looks around.) SYDNEY: Last week, I was ready to leave SD-6 but maybe I was focused on the wrong place. I think maybe I only went to grad school because Mom did. She was a teacher, so I always thought that was something I wanted to do. But now that I know it was just her cover, and thta it didn't mean anything to her... I'm thinking I should just drop it. (He looks down.) SYDNEY: Dad? JACK: Yes. Um... I understand. I just, um... I'm not sure I'm the best person to ask. SYDNEY: Oh. Okay. I should go. (She gets her things and leaves.) (Sydney's house. Knock on the door. She puts down her suitcase and opens it.) WILL: Hey. SYDNEY: Hey. So, I actually have two tape recorders. WILL: Oh, you are the best. Let me tell you something. I don't know, mine just died. (He picks one of them up. Sydney stares at his neck, shocked.) WILL: Oh, this is great. SYDNEY: What is that? WILL: What? SYDNEY: Is that a hickey? WILL: No, is it-- (He looks in a nearby mirror.) WILL: Oh, my God. I have to go to a meeting-- SYDNEY: Wait, you know what? I actually have cover-up. (She starts looking for it.) WILL: Do you have enough? SYDNEY: Yeah, I've got enough. (She starts dabbing it on Will's neck.) WILL: It's very embarrassing. SYDNEY: What, the fact that I saw it or just that it's there at all? WILL: Look at it. I feel like I'm 15 years old. SYDNEY: That's about the age of your intern. WILL: When I said 15, I knew you were going-- SYDNEY: Did the Clinton administration teach you nothing? WILL: Whoa. I'm not married, I can date-- SYDNEY: Don't start defending your thing with Jenny. She's not in your league and you know it. WILL: Who's in my league? What league? Show me a league and I'll buy a ticket, I'll go to the meetings and I will try and find those people. Where are they? (They stop and laugh.) WILL: Is it good? SYDNEY: Yeah. (She stares at him.) WILL: What? SYDNEY: Nothing. (Francie and Charlie enter.) FRANCIE: Okay, the next time Charlie and I go to breakfast with our parents, remind me that mimosas are verboten. SYDNEY: Oh, God, today was the big brunch. WILL: They didn't get along? FRANCIE: Oh, we wish. They got along so well, they're going on vacation together! SYDNEY: Ew. FRANCIE: Yeah. WILL: What's wrong with that? That's nice. FRANCIE: Nice? That is the makings of a disaster. They're going away without us and they're going to plan the whole wedding. What's in the bag and where are you off to this time? SYDNEY: Vegas. FRANCIE: Vegas! What was I just saying? Where should we go? CHARLIE: After that brunch, Vegas isn't far enough. FRANCIE: I'm serious. Baby, that's our cue. We could just go tonight. SYDNEY: W-w-wait. This is not a vacation for me. There's this public relations conference and-- FRANCIE: Sydney, we don't need you to babysit. SYDNEY: What I mean is I'd want to hang out with you guys. Just wait a week. We'll all go together. FRANCIE: All right, I guess. Ugh, that breakfast blew. SYDNEY: You'll tell me about it later, okay? I got to go to school. WILL: You know what? I got to go, too. CHARLIE: Oh, hey. Hey, I got a gig Thursday and I was wondering if you wouldn't mind putting up some fliers on campus for me? SYDNEY: Yeah, do I get ten per cent? CHARLIE: Sure, I'll just give you that dollar now. Hey, do you want to help put some up, too? WILL: Uh, my meeting's at a prison. CHARLIE: You never know. WILL: Take care, man. CHARLIE: All right, Will. (Prison.) WILL: I'm surprised you wanted to meet with me, especially so soon. DAVID: Look, I spent eight years in this place, living in fear of what these people might do to my daughter, to Kelly, so... you know, you come in here and you start asking me questions about SD-6... I just wasn't prepared. WILL: I understand. DAVID: But Kelly came to me. She told me she met you, about her conversation with Robert, about her going away. And I can't spend another eight years like this. I need to talk. WILL: Is Kelly safe? 'Cause I'm not going to do the story otherwise. DAVID: Hey, I'm her father. Neither would I. Yeah, she's been sent away, she's out of the country. Cost me nearly everything I have left but, uh... but she's safe. WILL: Okay, so who are they? I mean... what do they do? What the hell is SD-6? DAVID: All right. I'm going to tell you what I know but first there's something you have to do. (Lobby of a building. Will stands in front of a receptionist's desk. He smiles.) WILL: Hey. RECEPTIONIST: Hi. WILL: Hi, I'm Will Tippin. I'm here to interview Mr. Glasner. DAVID: (voice over) You have to contact a company called O.T. Technologies and tell them you want to interview their CEO. His name is Larry Glasner. (Prison.) WILL: Why would I want to interview Mr. Glasner? DAVID: You don't. But you got to get into the building. See, I used to work there and before my trial I did something illegal but really smart. See, I knew there were people that wanted to use my encryption software and that someone was going to use it for no good. So I wrote a subroutine in the program that would send a tag to a dedicated server. WILL: I don't really know the technical jargon, you're going to have to-- DAVID: It's like a digital guestbook. Anybody that uses the program would unknowingly sign n. You see, I wanted to make sure there was a trail in case I ever wanted to pursue the people that were setting me up. WILL: So there's a list of people that used your program, right? DAVID: Right. And it should be on a server in the computer room at O.T. Tech. (Lobby at O.T. Tech. Will gets up and walks to the receptionist.) DAVID: (voice over) Once you get into the building, you're going to tell them that you want to use the restroom. WILL: Excuse me. Can you tell me where the restroom is, please? DAVID: (voice over) Three doors past the bathroom in the first floor is the door to the computer room. (Will walks down a hall, looking over his shoulder. He gets to a door that's marked Server 3.) DAVID: (voice over) The pass code is 4747. (Will punches it in and goes inside. He sets up his laptop and starts typing.) DAVID: (voice over) Once you're in, you're going to log on to the system. I'll give you all the system codes. You're going to search for a file called Dolphin. Download it. (Will finds it and starts downloading.) DAVID: (voice over) That's the one. That's our road map. That's going to lead us to SD-6. (Sydney meets with her professor in his office. He sorts through a stack of graded papers for hers.) PROFESSOR: Your paper had the unlucky distinction of being the last one I graded. SYDNEY: I didn't come here for the paper. I've decided to leave the program and I need your signature to drop the course. PROFESSOR: Why? SYDNEY: I've been just wearing myself too thin, trying to finish the program and do my job. And you were so right when you said that work was getting in the way here. But the fact is... I'm not sure I want to be a teacher anymore. PROFESSOR: Sydney... you're one of the best students I've ever had. That's it. That's my pep talk. But I urge you, think about it a little more before you make your final decision. (He gives her her paper and walks out. She got an A.) (Sydney is putting up fliers for Charlie's gig. A pretty young girl stops and looks.) STELLA: Oh, my God! SYDNEY: What? STELLA: I didn't know Charlie was a singer. SYDNEY: You know Charlie? STELLA: Yeah, unfortunately. You were in British Authors Before 1800. SYDNEY: Oh. Yeah. STELLA: That was a good class. Stella Campbell. SYDNEY: Sydney Bristow. Why do you say "unfortunately"? STELLA: Oh, I don't know, it was nothing. We went out for a few months and he was just a jerk when he ended it. Nothing. He's just a guy. SYDNEY: How long ago? STELLA: Just, like, a few months ago. SYDNEY: A few months?! STELLA: Yeah. Why? SYDNEY: Because he's... he's engaged to a friend of mine! Charlie Bernard - are you sure it's him? STELLA: How long has he been engaged? SYDNEY: How long did you two go out? STELLA: Just a few months. SYDNEY: A few months! STELLA: What a pig. God, it figures. Who's your friend? Rachel, that blond girl? 'Cause I thought something was going on with her. SYDNEY: No, my friend is someone else. STELLA: Oh. Listen, you know what? I just really need to learn how to keep my mouth shut. I'll see you around. SYDNEY: Okay. (Vegas. Sydney and Dixon are walking to the casino, Dixon is wearing a dreadlocked wig. Sydney talks on her cell to Will.) SYDNEY: Will, I don't know what to do. WILL: Are you sure it's the same Charlie? SYDNEY: Yes, and Francie is going to be devastated. WILL: This just... this just doesn't make any sense. I mean, I don't understand. Who the hell lives a double life like that? Seriously. SYDNEY: There are people. WILL: Yeah, I guess. SYDNEY: How am I going to tell her? WILL: Um, okay, okay, okay. Let me make a suggestion. Yeah. Make sure she's sitting down and make sure she is very drunk. Yeah, you got to get her sauced because this is really going to hurt. SYDNEY: It is going to hurt. I'll call you later. WILL: Okay. (She hangs up.) DIXON: Can you focus? SYDNEY: We're traied to see the details, to read people in situations, to look at clues and red flags... I started to think I was getting pretty good at it and turns out my best friend's fiance is a cheat. DIXON: Out of the blue? SYDNEY: I guess, in retrospect, there were signs. But he could be so sweet to her, you know? DIXON: I don't have to lecture to you about people's capacity to keep secrets. SYDNEY: I'll be in touch as soon as I'm in the casino's database. The transmitter's hot. Marshall says this is an exact replica of Dahlgren's ring. DIXON: Exact will be nice. Thanks and good luck. SYDNEY: You, too. (Casino entrance. Sydney walks up the stairs but a guard stops her.) GUARD: Miss, this entrance is for employees only. SYDNEY: Oh, sorry. I just started on Friday. (She shows them a badge and opens up her coat to reveal her costume.) GUARD: My mistake. (She goes inside. On the casino floor, she comes out dressed in the waitress's slinky silver outfit.) SYDNEY: I'm in. (Casino. Sydney walks through the casino floor and spots Charlie and Francie, arm and arm.) SYDNEY: Oh, my God. DIXON: Syd, what's wrong? SYDNEY: You're not going to believe it. Francie and Charlie are here. DIXON: Did they see you? SYDNEY: No. DIXON: Just make sure they don't. (Sydney walks to an employees only door, slides a card through, and walks in. She runs down a hall.) DIXON: How far off are you? SYDNEY: Give me two minutes. (She puts something on the door that unlocks it. A guard is walking down the hall. She quickly goes inside the surveillance room.) (Flashback to Marshall briefing Sydney.) MARSHALL: So, you want to hack into a casino. Well, do you remember how tight security was in that Siberian silo a couple of years ago? Cakewalk compared to Vegas. I mean, casino security is like an onion. It's layer after layer after layer and the more that you peel back, the more you want to cry. Face recognition, video surveillance. The only way to get inside the system is to splice directly into one of the fiber optic cables but any interruption in the feed will alert security. Except the one thing nobody has but you is me and I... have this. Now this is a razor prism. It will cut directly into any fiber optic cable. Plus it will allow you total access without interrupting the data system. (She clamps the prism on a cable and starts typing on her latpop. Subject search for Darian Buchanan. She accesses the file and uploads the new image. She replaces the real Buchanan's picture with a pcutre of Dixon.) SYDNEY: Okay, Dixon, go. (Dixon walks in the casino. In the control room, the security camera spots him and does a scan. They ID him as Buchanan - VIP recognized, parliamentary delegate, republic of Jamaica.) CONTROL GUY: Sir, Mr. Buchanan has arrived. (The manager and Dixon walk through the casino and pass Francie and Charlie.) MANAGER: Mr. Buchanan, it's a pleasure to make your acquaintance. DIXON: Likewise. MANAGER: We weren't expecting you until tomorrow. DIXON: Yes, I know. I came ahead of the delegates to win back the money I lost last year. Do I suspect the U.S. senate hosts these conferences so that we will lose our shirts? (Chuckles.) MANAGER: Well, perhaps you will be more comfortable in our private gaming suite. DIXON: Oh, how kind. Yes, thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] (Francie and Charlie are at a table. Francie's on her cell phone.) FRANCIE: Syd, hey, we're in Vegas, we're here! What hotel are you in? Give me a call on my cell phone as soon as you get this message. Where the hell are you? I'll talk to you soon! CASINO: Number nine! We have a winner! CHARLIE: Ha! We just got here and we're up a hundred bucks! All right, all right! FRANCIE: Was coming to Vegas the greatest idea or what? Hey, check it out. There's a wedding chapel. CHARLIE: Aw, come on. FRANCIE: Why not? I mean, just think about it. Just us. No parents. No hassle. (Manager and Dixon are walking to the suite.) MANAGER: I understand you have a line of credit with us. Would you like to draw down on it? DIXON: Yes, man. I usually start out with a half a million. I feel lucky today. (Sydney watches on her laptop.) SYDNEY: Okay, Dahlgren is at the back poker table. (Dixon walks up to the back poker table.) DIXON: May I join you? DAHLGREN: Yeah, sure. MANAGER: Good luck, sir. DIXON: Thank you. DEALER: The card is 5-card draw, sir. Pot limit. The minimum bet is five thousand. (They take their cards. Sydney watches and spots Dahlgren's hand.) SYDNEY: Okay, Dahlgren's got a pair of jacks and an ace kicker. DIXON: I always start off modestly. It leaves me room to get out of hand. Fifty thousand. (He throws down fifty thousand dollars in chips. The other two men who were playing chuckle.) MAN1: I'm out. MAN2: Too much. (Dixon takes a card.) DEALER: Bets, please. DIXON: In case you're wondering, I draw an inside straight. A hundred and twenty thousand. (He throws donw the chips. Dahlgren puts down his cards.) DAHLGREN: Not my hand. DIXON: Hmmm. (He turns over his cards. He had nothing. Dixon chuckles.) DIXON: Americans. Them really gullible. (The other two men leave.) DIXON: Good evening. (Sydney scans the various camers and sees that at the wedding chapel, Francie and Charlie are there.) SYDNEY: Francie, what are you doing? Oh, no, no, no, no. Please, no. Dixon, listen. Hold on the switch. Play a few more hands, let him get to know your poker face. If this is okay, if I can go radio silent for two minutes, clear your throat. (Pause. Dixon clears his throat.) SYDNEY: Going radio silent. (She runs out.) (Chapel.) MINISTER: Thank you kindly. Now, if you'll just sign the bride and groom's registry. (Sydney walks up.) SYDNEY: Hey. FRANCIE: Hey! SYDNEY: I was just finishing my meeting across the casino and I saw you guys. What are you doing here? FRANCIE: Oh, I know we made a deal but I bought the tickets anyway-- SYDNEY: No, I mean, what are you doing here? Are you... are you guys getting married? FRANCIE: I know it sounds crazy, but-- SYDNEY: No, no, I totally get it. FRANCIE: I called you. Will you be our witness? SYDNEY: I just need to talk to Charlie privately for two seconds. FRANCIE: Okay... (Down the hall.) CHARLIE: What's up? SYDNEY: I met a friend of yours today. CHARLIE: Who? SYDNEY: Stella Campbell. (Charlie stops.) CHARLIE: So... how's Stella doing? SYDNEY: Does Francie know anything about your relationship with her? (He doesn't say anything.) SYDNEY: You and I are friends, Charlie, so you know I have nothing against you goin ginto this, but I swear to God, if you marry Francie without telling her what you've been up to, I will kill you. CHARLIE: Sydney-- SYDNEY: No discussion. You don't tell her, and I will. Got it? CHARLIE: Yeah. Yeah, I got it. SYDNEY: Tell Francie I had to get back to work. I'll call her later. (In the gaming suite.) DEALER: Number of cards, please. DIXON: Give me two cards, man. DAHLGREN: What the hell? I'm out ofhere after this. I'll take three. DIXON: My friend, the night's still young. DAHLGREN: The night began eighty-six thousand ago, my friend. (Chapel. Charlie gets back from his talk.) FRANCIE: Hey, what's wrong? Where's Sydney? CHARLIE: Fran, we got to talk. (In the casino, Sydney walks in between the slot machines and tears off her coat. The manager is standing nearby and gets a call.) MANAGER: Yeah? VOICE: Sir, we have a problem. (Chapel, continuing.) CHARLIE: We can't get married like this. FRANCIE: Why not? CHARLIE: 'Cause I want to do it write with all our friends and family there. Don't you? (Gaming suite.) DAHLGREN: I'll see your ten and raise fifteen which is all the chips I have left. DIXON: I see your raise and to show you that I'm not a greedy man, I will raise you something personal. (He gets out a diamond lighter from his jacket pocket.) DIXON: This is a gift from King Fahd of Saudi Arabia. DAHLGREN: I got this watch. DIXON: I have a watch. But I don't have no ring. (Sydney runs down the hallway, trying to make it back to the surveillance room.) DAHLGREN: My fraternity ring? It's not worth anything. DIXON: If it's worth something to you, it's worth something to me. (Sydney sits behind the laptop.) SYDNEY: Dixon, I'm back! (Dahlgren takes off the ring and throws it down.) DAHLGREN: Screw it. This is my last hand anyway. (Sydney watches.) SYDNEY: Oh, no. Dahlgren's got a flush. You're going to lose. You got to make the switch now. (Dixon takes out the transmitter copy of the ring and hides it between his fingers. He puts down his cards and starts to take the chips.) DIXON: Three wise men. (Dahlgren stops him.) DAHLGREN: A flush. (With his hand over the pot, Dixon switches the fraternity rings.) DIXON: Thanks for a good game, man. (Dahlgren puts the transmitter ring on, oblivious. Sydney spots the manager coming with two security guards.) SYDNEY: Dixon, something's wrong. The floor manager's coming to your suite with security. (The manager approaches Dixon.) MANAGER: Sir, I have an urgent message for you. Will you follow me outside please? DIXON: Yes, of course. (In the hallway, the guards throw Dixon up against the wall.) DIXON: Hold on! What is the meaning of this? MANAGER: Your attache just called. Apparently, you're stuck in Jamaica. DIXON: I suppose there are worse places to be stuck. (Sydney runs in.) SYDNEY: Dixon! (Dixon knees the manager in the stomach, he falls. Sydney takes a platter from a nearby cart and smashes it against the head of a security guard and then punches him. Dixon punches one of the guards and snaps his chin back. They run out.) (Los Angeles, back at Sydney's house, Sydney and Francie sit on the sofa to chat.) FRANCIE: Okay, so we're down three hundred dollars and I kept looking around for you, hoping you'd show up and give us some luck. SYDNEY: Uh-huh. FRANCIE: Thank God you didn't because this huge lady with yellow hair sits right next to me, like, from heaven. And all of a sudden, we're on a huge streak! SYDNEY: How much did you win? FRANCIE: Two thousand dollars. SYDNEY: Wow! FRANCIE: And look what he bought me! Isn't it pretty? (She shows off a gold bracelet.) SYDNEY: Yeah, it's really sweet. FRANCIE: What did you say to Charlie about not getting married? SYDNEY: What did he tell you that I said? FRANCIE: He didn't. I mean, I just wanted to thank you. You know me, Miss Spontaneous. I totally would've regretted getting married there. It was stupid. SYDNEY: I don't know how to say this without it being horrible... but I ran into this girl on campus who said that she had an affair with Charlie two months ago. Francie, I am so sorry. FRANCIE: What are you talking about? Who is this girl? SYDNEY: Her name was Stella. I don't know. FRANCIE: So you don't even know her. SYDNEY: No, I don't. FRANCIE: Well, that's so like you to believe what a stranger has to say about Charlie. SYDNEY: Wait. I like Charlie. FRANCIE: No, you don't! Not really! SYDNEY: Francie, when have I ever said or done anything-- FRANCIE: You have NOT been supportive of us getting married AT ALL! SYDNEY: I think I have been very-- FRANCIE: You don't even know this girl! SYDNEY: I'm not making this up. FRANCIE: Is this what you told Charlie in Vegas? SYDNEY: Yes. And he didn't deny it. FRANCIE: He didn't admit it though, did he? SYDNEY: No. He didn't. FRANCIE: You know, Sydney, there are lots of things that we haven't said to each other. SYDNEY: Like what? FRANCIE: Like I knew you didn't like Charlie when you didn't show up that day to look at wedding dresses! SYDNEY: Francie, that was only about work and you know it. FRANCIE: I'm so sick of your stupid bank job! God! Ever since you started working there you've been elitist and private and distant! SYDNEY: Francie... FRANCIE: God! Yeah, you've let me live here and that's fine but you and I were closer when I lived with Charlie which is probably where I should have stayed! I don't even know who you are anymore and I don't want to. (She walks out.) (Will's newspaper office. Sydney and Will talk.) WILL: That is tough. SYDNEY: It was more than tough, it was revealing. Not just about Charlie but about us. WILL: What do you mean? I'ts more than just Francie and Charlie? SYDNEY: I don't know if she's going to be my friend after that. WILL: Syd, look, you just gave her, like, the worst news of her life. I mean, how do you expect her to react? SYDNEY: Yeah, I guess. (pause) How many more hickeys have you got? WILL: (whispers) Shut up. SYDNEY: Just asking. (Her cell phone rings.) WILL: You know, I got to do an interview, anyway. Listen, it's going to be fine. I'll call you later. You know your way out? SYDNEY: Yeah. (Will smiles and walks out.) SYDNEY: Hello? JACK: It's me. Your trip to Vegas was a success, I just thought you should know. SYDNEY: Well, that's good. JACK: We intercepted the phone call to Dahlgren off the transmitter you planted. Linguistics is translating it now. SYDNEY: Well, is there anything I can do? JACK: If you have the time I'd like you to meet me somewhere. (Carousel. Jack and Sydney walk up.) SYDNEY: So, why are we at a carousel? JACK: You always loved this spot. Your mother and I used to bring you here. I had just been transferred to the Los Angeles field office. You were two years old. We'd watch you go around on the carousel and talk about our day, the future. And sometimes, foolishly, my work at the C.I.A. I never imagined that our conversations were being passed along to the KGB. I haven't been back to this park in twenty years. SYDNEY: Why did you bring me here now? JACK: When you asked me the other day about school, I couldn't help you. I... I'm out of practice when it comes to, uh... personal matters. SYDNEY: Dad, I'm in no rush. JACK: Believing your mother was a professor may have influenced you somewhat but the decision to go back to school was yours. And I'd trust that. I think that, uh, if you stick with it... you could become the kind of teacher your students will always remember. SYDNEY: Thank you. (They turn and watch the carousel go round and round.) (SD-6 with Jack, Sloane, Dixon and Sydney.) SLOANE: Linguistics successfully decoded the phone call but we still don't know the mystery agency or who's behind it. Learning that information and getting a visual I.D. of The Man is our top priority. I'm tired of referring to him as The Man. I want to know who he is. JACK: The meeting with K-Directorate is scheduled to take place twenty hours from now in an office building in Moscow. Your mission is to surveill the meeting in hopes of obtaining information that leads us to The Man. (Observatory. Sydney and Vaughn stand near the railing, looking straight ahead.) VAUGHN: This is a flash memory card. It's compatible with the fiber optic camera you'll be using in the K-Directorate meeting. On your flight home, just leave it on the plane. Seat pocket 15C. One of our agents will pick it up. SYDNEY: 15C. VAUGHN: Yeah. Last week, when you talked about quitting SD-6-- SYDNEY: I was being naive. VAUGHN: No, but, um, what you said about wanting to go to a hockey game... wanting me to be part of your life... I, uh, I think I wasn't clear about something. (pause) That it would be nice to be in public with you, to actually get to look at you. Grab a pizza or go to a hockey game. I-I just... I wasn't clear that I would really like that, too. (Pause. He smiles shyly.) VAUGHN: Good luck in Russia. (Sydney drinks wine in front of the fireplace, staring at the drop/add form for American Literature. The door opens and in walks Francie.) SYDNEY: Hey. FRANCIE: Hey. SYDNEY: Where have you been? FRANCIE: Three movies. Charlie told me everything. I think... everything. You were right. (Sobbing, she sits down.) SYDNEY: Oh... sweetie. I'm so sorry. FRANCIE: I feel so stupid, and I'm so sorry that I said all of those things to you. SYDNEY: It's okay. (She hugs her.) SYDNEY: You know I'm on your side, right? FRANCIE: Thank God... (Francie spots the form on the table.) FRANCIE: You're dropping a class? SYDNEY: No. (She throws it in the fire.) SYDNEY: No. (Moscow. Two vans drive up. A guard smokes at the door of the building. Up above, Sydney is up above him, sliding across a wire that's connected from the two buildings. She gets closer tothe building where the K-Directorate people will be meeting. Dixon sits in a van down below.) DIXON: How's it hanging, Syd? SYDNEY: Very funny. (She keeps sliding until she gets closer. Tires screech. Dixon watches from the van.) DIXON: We're on. They're heading toward the building now. (Two vans pull up to a stop. Sydney presses a button and the wire loosens. She's lowered to the side of the building and hangs outside the window, pressing her heels against the building.) SYDNEY: The fiber optic camera is hot. DIXON: Okay, Syd, we're live. SYDNEY: Okay, going for audio. (She clamps on the microphone to the windowsill and watches. The shooter from Hong Kong enters - Mr. Sark. A few goons walk in and sit across the table from Sark.) SARK: Gentlemen, welcome. I'm Mr. Sark, director of operations. (He motions for them to sit down.) SARK: On behalf of my employer-- IVANKOV: Who is your employer? Certainly, he doesn't expect us to continue referring to him as The Man. SARK: I'm afraid my employer's identity will have to remain confidential for now. IVANKOV: This is no way to being a negotiation. SARK: My employer sends his apologies, comrade Ivankov, and has authorized me to detail our proposal, with your approval. IVANKOV: You seem young for such responsibility. SARK: My employer's officer is simple. We will transfer one hundred million dollars into your Caymen Shell account, number A6112B. (Dixon watches Sydney's camera angle from the van.) DIXON: Sydney, that isn't a K-Directorate representative. It's Ilyich Ivankov, the head of K-Directorate. IVANKOV: How did you know that number? SARK: In exchange, will give us the Rambaldi manuscript you recently acquired in Argentina and whatever analysis you amde of its content. IVANKOV: A hundred million. That's quite an opening offer. SARK: It is a final offer. IVANKOV: We both know the Rambaldi manuscript is priceless, therefore it is not for sale. SARK: I've been authorized to tell you that this offer expires in sixty seconds. IVANKOV: (laughs) Is this a joke? SARK: Fifty-five seconds. IVANKOV: You tell your employer, if he ever wastes my time like this again, our next meeting will not be so cordial. (He starts to get up. Sark nods at his goon. The goon shoots Ivankov twice and then shoots one of their goons. Two of K-Directorate's men are left alive, their hands up in protest.) SARK: Congratulations, comrade Kessar. You have just inherited control of the indestructible K-Directorate. You've also inherited what I hope is, by now, a very siimple decision. The offer still stands. Unfortunately you only have twenty seconds left to decide. KESSAR: We... we have an agreement. SARK: My employer will be so pleased. (Sydney hangs on and grabs at the building with her feet. A piece of the building falls off and lands by the guard down below. He shouts at her and starts shooting.) DIXON: Sydney! (Everyone inside the meeting hears the gunshots and sees Sydney thrashing about on the wire. They start shooting. The guard down below tries to get a shot, shooting constantly as Sydney moves around on the wire.) DIXON: Sydney!	Plan: A: a K-Directorate agent; Q: Who is Sydney and Dixon sent to Las Vegas to gather information from? A: ties; Q: What does the K-Directorate agent have to the group that attacked and nearly destroyed SD-6? A: Francie; Q: Whose fiancé had an affair with another woman? A: Charlie; Q: Who is Francie's fiancé? A: his journey; Q: What does Will begin to do to discover what SD-6 really is? A: Jack; Q: Who is trying to be more of a father to Sydney? A: graduate school; Q: What does Sydney decide to pursue? Summary: Sydney and Dixon are sent to Las Vegas to gather information from a K-Directorate agent who has ties to the group that attacked and nearly destroyed SD-6. Meanwhile, Sydney accidentally discovers some shocking news about Francie's fiancé, Charlie, who recently had had a real affair with another woman. Will begins his journey to discover what SD-6 really is, and Jack continues to try to be more of a father to Sydney when he helps her decide whether or not to continue with graduate school.
ACT ONE Scene One - KACL Frasier is doing his show. Frasier: Well, Karl, I guess you've got two choices. Either you have the tattoo removed, or you travel the globe searching for another soul mate named Fredwina. We'll be right back after this. He goes to commercial. Roz comes in with a travel brochure. Roz: Hey, I was just looking over this offer you got from the Siren Cruise Line. They want to know if- Frasier: Roz, you know my policy on commercial endorsements. Roz: Just listen. One of their celebrity entertainers cancelled on a ship that's going to Alaska, and they'll let us both go for free if you'll fill in, and all you have to do is give a brief lecture- Frasier: Roz, I'm a psychiatrist, not a huckster! There are still some of us in this profession who believe in-[sees brochure] mahogany wainscoting? Roz: Isn't that fabulous? And just look at those staterooms! Frasier: Wow... Roz: Not to mention the gourmet chefs, the world-class health spa... Frasier: Well, it does sound awfully tempting, Roz, but I just don't think it's right to trade on one's good name for a free trip. Roz: Well, plenty of people do. Look, Zubin Mehta did one, General Schwartzkopf, and it says right here, Gore Vidal did two of them! Frasier: Gore Vidal? He hates everything! Roz: But, if you feel it would tarnish your image, I'll just call Vicki and tell her you said no. She goes into her booth. Frasier, sensing an opening, grabs at it. Frasier: Vicki? Who's Vicki? Roz: Oh, she books the celebrities. We met once at a party a long time ago, I'm surprised she remembered me. Frasier, we're on in ten seconds. Frasier: Now, just hold on a minute, Roz, you didn't tell me this was a favor for a close friend. Roz: She's not a close friend. Frasier: No, Roz, obviously this woman means something to you. It's certainly an awkward position you've put me in. Roz: Frasier, I don't care. Frasier: All right, I'll go! But it's the last time I pull your chestnuts out of the fire! He goes back into his booth. Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment It's afternoon, and pouring rain outside. Frasier sits at the piano, playing idly. Daphne comes out in her bathrobe. Daphne: Hello, Dr. Crane. Frasier: Oh, hello, Daphne. Little late in the day, isn't it? Daphne: I just love days like this... nowhere to go, nothing to do... though I have this sneaking suspicion I've forgotten something. Frasier: Like getting dressed? Daphne: [goes to the window] Oh, I could watch the rain for hours. Of course, when I was a little girl, I hated the rain. Stuck inside, couldn't go out and play. But my mum always said, "enjoy it while you can, there'll be no water in hell." Of course, that was her answer for everything. "Eat your veggies, there'll be no Brussels sprouts in hell... have a lie-down, there'll be no naps in hell..." Frasier: Daphne, you know I am a therapist, if you'd like to talk about this sometime. Daphne: About what? Frasier: Nothing. Daphne: I wish I could remember what it is I forgot to do. Oh well, you know what they say - if you can't remember, it probably wasn't important anyway. Martin stomps through the door, soaking wet and steaming mad. Frasier: Dad! Daphne: Oh no! Frasier: You are dripping! Martin: Yeah, that's what'll happen when you're standing out on the corner waiting for your ride! Daphne: Mr. Crane, I am so sorry! Martin: What the hell were you thinking?! Frasier: Venting these emotions is all well and good, Dad, but I just had these floors waxed! He takes Martin's coat, hands him a towel and rushes to lay down newspaper. Martin: I said four o'clock on the corner of Second and Bell. Daphne: Well, you should have called me! Martin: Well, I was afraid if I went looking for a phone I'd miss you! Frasier: Good point, Dad. Now, could you just step on that, please? [Eddie comes in] Oh God, he's wet too! Eddie starts shaking off. Frasier: No, no! Damn him! Daphne, help me get this canine sprinkler out of here! Daphne: Oh now, don't be too cross with him, Dr. Crane! As my mum used to say, there'll be no dogs in hell! Frasier: I sincerely doubt that! Daphne takes Eddie to Martin's room. The doorbell rings, and Frasier opens the door to Niles. Frasier: Oh, Niles. Niles: Frasier, I just stopped by to return your cookbook [hands it over], I won't be needing it after all. Frasier: Oh, really? I thought you were preparing an anniversary dinner for Maris. Niles: Uh, not this year. Maris has flown to Switzerland for a new cosmetic treatment. Only one man performs the procedure, and Maris wants to see him before he's extradited. Frasier: Oh, Niles, I'm so sorry. Niles: It's so depressing. Every time it looks as though we're approaching a breakthrough in our therapy, Maris runs off somewhere. I really hoped spending time together on our anniversary would get us over the hump. Frasier: Take heart, Niles, I know how frustrating it can be when someone puts their own selfishness ahead of your personal needs. [steers Niles onto the newspaper] Martin: Niles, why don't you take off that wet coat and stay for dinner. I'll get us started with a couple of nice hot toddies, just like we used to make down at Duke's. Frasier: You know, Dad, there's a recipe in this book for a hot toddy. It calls for courvoisier, chamomile tea, and a dash of framboise! Martin: Garnish it with a few rose petals and that's just how Duke used to serve it. Frasier: [to Niles] Make yourself comfortable. In the kitchen, Martin pours water into three mugs and puts them in the microwave. Frasier comes in. Frasier: Poor Niles. You know, Dad, maybe I should- Martin: Ah, ah! Stop right there, I know what you're going to say. You want to call Maris and talk her into spending her anniversary with Niles. Frasier: I didn't realize I'd gotten as predictable as all that. Martin: Well, you have, and if you ask me- Frasier: Stop right there. I know exactly what you're going to say. You're going to say I should mind my own business and keep my big bazoo shut! Martin: I was gonna say "fat yap," but you're in the ballpark. Frasier: Well, I just think that when two people are having problems, their emotions can get the better of them. A third party can provide some perspective. Martin: They already have a therapist! And if Niles needs any more help, he's got Dr. Jim Beam and he makes house calls! Martin pours bourbon into the mugs and gives two to Frasier. In the living room, Niles is talking on his cell phone. Niles: I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, Maris. I hope you enjoy your trip to Switzerland. Actually, I have plans of my own for our anniversary that I'm very excited about. Mmm-hmm. Bon voyage. [hangs up] Frasier: Well, that's a very healthy approach, Niles. What are your plans? Niles: Well, I thought I'd sit alone in my cavernous apartment while rocking back and forth while hugging my knees. Martin: Now, Niles, you're not going to be alone on your anniversary, you'll have me and Fras. Frasier: Well, actually, Dad, I've agreed to give a lecture on a cruise that's going to Alaska... but I don't see any reason why you two shouldn't join me, why don't you? Martin: Oh, that'd be great! Wouldn't it, Niles? Niles: Uh, I don't know. Frasier: Oh, come on, Niles, it'll help get your mind off your troubles. Niles: I appreciate your concern, but whisking me off on a cruise? I'm not as emotionally fragile as all that. Frasier: As you wish. Well, Dad, I guess it'll be just you and me then. Martin: Yeah! When do we leave? Frasier: Fourteenth. Niles: [breaking down] The fourteenth? Frasier holds him as Niles cries against his shoulder. SHIP OF FOOLS Scene Three - Ship Hallway Frasier and Roz emerge from their staterooms at the same time. Roz: Hey, some ship, huh? How's your stateroom? Frasier: I'd hardly call it a "stateroom." Wouldn't even call it a room, but I don't know the nautical term for "broom closet with sconces." How's yours? Roz: [shuts her door behind her] The same. Worse, even. I'm sure you have a better view from your porthole than I do. Frasier: You have a porthole?! Roz: What's the difference? A cabin's just a place to shower and change your clothes. Frasier: You have a shower?! All I have is a nozzle and a floor drain, it took me an hour before I put those two things together! Roz leads him down the hall. Scene Four - Cocktail Lounge Martin and Niles are sitting at the bar. Martin: Now the buffets come at a pretty good clip, so you got to pace yourself. And watch out for your fillers-your breads, your rolls, your chips and dip. You've only got so much room, don't be a hero. Frasier and Roz enter. Roz: Hey, guys! Martin: Hey! Hey, Fras, this is great! You got one of those bedrooms where the bathroom turns into a shower? Frasier: Yes, Dad. [to Niles] And before you say anything, I had no idea what Spartan conditions we were in for. Niles: It's quite all right. Once I got over my fear that I'd be hauled below deck and manacled to another oarsman, I actually started to enjoy myself. Frasier: Well, you know, I guess I won't be spending that much time in my cabin anyway. I'll be hobnobbing with my fellow celebrities. Martin: Yeah, they got a lot of big names on board. Did you see the pictures? He points to a stand against the wall with a group of portraits. Roz: [reading] "Live and in Person: Radio star Dr. Frasier Crane!" How about that? Frasier: Lord, I don't know if I really care for the word "star," considering the caliber of the other people on board. Niles: [looking closer] "The Comedy Stylings of Giggles O'Shea." Oh yes, you're in stellar company. Oh, and look, they even managed to snare a magician-"The Amazing Lance Gould." Martin: Oh, he's great! I caught his act in Reno a few years ago. For his finale, he made his own head disappear! Niles: Now, did the toupee go too, or did it just hover over the collar? Frasier: Dear God! You've booked me on a floating Gong Show! What happened to Zubin Mehta and Gore Vidal? Roz: I am so sorry, Frasier, I had no idea. I guess they just booked all their A-list celebrities on the big ships. Steward: [on P.A.] Your attention, please. The "Taste of Alaska" buffet is no being served on the Lido deck. Martin: Ooh, that's my cue! You guys coming? Niles: Uh, Dad, we had a big lunch at home. Martin: Rookie mistake. See you at dinner. He limps out of the lounge. Roz: Look, Frasier, it's not that bad. I mean, at least you got top billing. Frasier: Well, of course I got top billing! I'm the only one up there I've ever heard of! Roz: Come on, what about him? Frasier: "Latin Singing Sensation Carlos 'the Barracuda' DelGato?" Roz: Yeah! Don't you remember him from the 70's? He invented that big dance craze, the Barracuda. Niles: Believe it or not, Maris was a big fan of his. Frasier: No! Niles: Yes, that was the one dance she could do. The Hustle was too strenuous - she had no booty to shake. But her fetching little under-bite was just perfect for the Barracuda. Niles sticks out his jaw and snaps his teeth in remembrance. Frasier notices a well-dressed blond woman staring from across the lounge. Frasier: Niles, why is that woman staring at you? Niles turns, looks-and snaps back. Niles: God help me! It's that awful Mimi Cosgrove from the country club! Hide me! She's a man-eating lush who'd go to any lengths to- Mimi: [coming over] Niles? Niles: Mimi! You funny little good-for-nothing Mimi! [kisses her cheeks] What are you doing here? Mimi: Oh, just looking for the bar... oh, there it is! [grabs his arm] Let me buy you a cocktail. Niles: Well, actually, I- Mimi: I don't know what it is about being on the water that makes me so thirsty! Ooh, have you been working out? She drags him to a table. He turns to Frasier and Roz and mouths, "Help Me!" A swarthy Latin man in Toreador pants comes in. Roz: Look, there he is, the Barracuda! Frasier: How thrilling! A fellow headliner on the U.S.S. Has-Been! Roz: Oh, shut up! Frasier: Come on, Roz, let's go over my notes for my lecture. Before they can exit, the Barracuda comes over. Barracuda: Dr. Frasier Crane? I am Carlos DelGato. Frasier: [shakes his hand] Ah, hello. It's a pleasure to meet you. Oh, this is Roz Doyle. Roz extends her hand. The Barracuda snaps it up and starts kissing it. Barracuda: Buenos noches. Habla espanol? Roz: Uh, not really. Barracuda: Is no matter. I am sure you are schooled in the... international language. Frasier: Oh yes, Roz, say something amusing in Esperanto! Barracuda: [nasal laugh] You know, each night, I select the most beautiful woman in my audience and present to her a red rose. That means the evening has just begun. Perhaps one night, chou will be... my especial lady? Until then... He sticks out his jaw and snaps his teeth. Roz gasps. He struts off. Roz: O.K., you're right. We're on the Voyage of the Damned. Niles and Mimi sit at a table. As they talk, he's constantly pushing her hand off his wrist, his thigh, etc. Mimi: So, are you still separated? Niles: Uh, I'm afraid so. Mimi: Oh, you poor thing. Niles: Well, we're trying actually - couples' therapy. Mimi: Oh, good! You know I've always thought the world of you and, uh... Niles: Maris. Mimi: Yeah, an angel! Anyway, if there's ever anything I can do to be of comfort to you, [leans over and nibbles his ear] you just let me know. Ooh, what is that marvelous fragrance? Niles: Well, that's uh- A waiter comes over with a glass of champagne. Waiter: Excuse me, sir, but the lady wanted to send you this, with her compliments. Niles: What lady? Waiter: Over there, in the black dress and the veil? Niles: Maris! Waiter: Oh, and there was one more thing. Niles: Yes? The waiter tosses the champagne in Niles's face. END OF ACT ONE [SCENE_BREAK] ACT TWO Scene Five - Lounge Waiter: I'm really very sorry, sir, but she gave me the biggest tip I've ever seen. He gives Niles a napkin. Mimi gets up. Mimi: I'm sure you can convince Maris that this is all completely innocent-if not, I'm in Cabin 712. Mimi leaves the lounge. Frasier and Roz come running over. Frasier: Niles, Niles, what happened? Was that Maris I saw running out of here? Niles: Yes! She saw Mimi pawing me and assumed the worst! I've got to go speak to her. How upset did she look? Roz: Oh, I couldn't see anything past the outfit. Who wears a black dress and veil on a cruise? Frasier: Roz, the woman has virtually no pigmentation! Three minutes in the sun, she'd sear like an Ahi tuna! Niles: She's supposed to be in Switzerland! What's she doing here?! Frasier: Niles, I'm sorry. This may be partly my fault. You see, I called Maris, told her how upset you were, and said it might be fun if she could join us on the cruise. Niles: You invited her to come and didn't tell me?! Frasier: Well, I thought it would be a nice surprise! Niles: Oh, well it worked out perfectly! She's probably on the phone arranging to fly home from the next port. [the waiter comes by] Excuse me, excuse me. The lady who sent me the champagne, do you happen to know which stateroom she's in? Waiter: No, sir. But she did ask me to give you a message. Niles: Yes? The waiter tosses another glass of champagne in Niles's face. Niles: Just out of curiosity, how much are these running her? Scene Six - Lounge Frasier sits at a table, preparing note cards for his speech. Roz, wearing a cocktail dress, comes from the bar with two drinks. Roz: You're on in twenty minutes. How's your speech coming? Frasier: It's hard to concentrate. I'm so concerned about Niles. Roz: [reads his first card and laughs] I like this opening joke you wrote, it's very funny. Frasier: [chuckles] Thank you. I can't take all the credit, actually. I had a patty melt with Giggles before his show. Niles comes back, disheveled and depressed. Frasier: Oh, Niles. I can't tell you again how sorry I am for meddling. How did it go with Maris? Niles: Terribly. This is, without a doubt, the most depressing night of my life. Roz cracks up reading the next card. Frasier sees it and laughs too. Roz: That is so funny- I'm sorry. Niles: I spent hours looking for her, then I remembered her fondness for the Barracuda. I ran down to the lounge, and found that Latin cheese ball crooning his ghastly song directly to her! I started to make my way over, then a waiter came over, and by the time I got the champagne out of my eyes, she'd disappeared into the crowd. I waited for her. She never came out. Neither did DelGato. Frasier: Niles, what are you implying? Niles: You know Maris's taste for revenge. If she thinks I'm having an affair with Mimi, then she's going to try and punish me in kind. Roz: Wow... do you really think she's planning to "do the Barracuda?" She tries not to laugh. Niles glares at her. Frasier: Niles, don't jump to conclusions, that's exactly what Maris did. Niles: Says a lot about our marriage, doesn't it? No trust on either side, what hope is there for us? Frasier: Is there anything I can do? Niles: No, you've done enough. I'm just going to take a walk. He leaves the lounge. Frasier: Oh, I feel so guilty about this. When will I learn to stop interfering in other peoples' affairs? I'd better go talk to Maris, see if I can fix this. Roz: You're gonna butt in again? Frasier: I don't see what business that is of yours! Roz: Here comes your dad. Frasier: Oh, no! Oh, no! If he finds out, I'll never hear the end of it! Martin sits down at the table. Martin: Boy, that "Taste of Alaska" spread was a bust. You want to know what caribou meat tastes like? Not chicken! Where's Niles? Frasier: He's out on a walk... oh, I may as well tell you everything! Maris is on board. She and Niles had a horrible fight, and their marriage is in worse shape than it's ever been before, and no need to tell you how she got here in the first place! Martin: I know, I know, what was I thinking, inviting her to come on the cruise? Roz: You invited Maris? Martin: Yeah, well, Niles was so upset over being alone on his anniversary, it just seemed like a good idea. Smart, huh? I give you all this guff about sticking your nose into other people's business, then I turn around and do the same damn thing. Frasier: Oh, Dad, don't be too hard on yourself. Roz: Frasier. Frasier: Oh, all right! I invited Maris too. Martin: You did? I thought I told you to keep your big bazoo shut! Frasier: Oh, you're one to talk! Martin: Well, so what do we do now? Frasier: Nothing! Nothing at all! Just let them work things out themselves, and stay on the sidelines where we belong. Martin: All right. [checks watch] Ooh, better get going, we're gonna miss the first seating for dinner! Frasier: But Dad, my lecture's in fifteen minutes. Martin: Oh, jeez. All right, guess I can't do everything. Tell me how it went at the midnight buffet! He limps out of the lounge. Roz gets up. Roz: We'd better get going too. Frasier: Right. First, I'm going to go talk to Maris. Roz: You just said- Frasier: Forget what I said! You're coming too! Roz: Why do you need me? I don't even know her. Frasier: You can vouch for Niles's innocence. Roz: Oh, all right. I have to admit, I'm kind of curious to meet her. You know, in all these years, I've never actually seen her face? Frasier: Well, I haven't seen her most recent one, so this'll be a new experience for both of us. Scene Seven - Maris's Room Frasier and Roz stop in the hallway outside Maris's room. Frasier: All right, now let me do all the talking-oh, and if it looks like she has an orange Abyssinian on her head-don't stare. That's a wiglet. A maid comes out of the room, notices them, and leaves the door open. Maid: All through. Have a nice evening. The maid leaves. Frasier: Damn! She must not be here! [Roz goes in] Roz, what are you doing, you can't go in there! Roz: I just want to see the room! Frasier follows her into the room, which is spacious and lavishly decorated. Frasier: You can't just barge into someone else's- [gasps] My God, is that a grand piano?! Roz finds a red rose on the bureau. Roz: Frasier, look! Frasier: The Barracuda's calling card! That means that he's chosen Maris to be his... Frasier/Roz: "Especial lady," eew! Footsteps in the hall. Frasier pushes Roz into the bathroom. Roz: Why are we hiding? We came here to talk to her! Frasier: Because it's impossible to extol the virtues of trust to someone whose room you've just broken into! Someone comes through the door outside. Frasier and Roz climb into the shower and draw the curtain. Frasier: Oh, dear God! The shower is bigger than my entire cabin! Roz: Shut up! Martin comes into the bathroom. Roz peeks through the curtain. Roz: Martin! Martin: Ahh! What are you two doing here?! Frasier: We came to talk to Maris! What are you doing here?! Martin: The same as you! Frasier: Well, then why did you come in the bathroom?! Martin: Well... what do you think? Frasier: Oh, all right, fine. Roz: Let's get the hell out of here. They start towards the door, but hear someone else enter the room. Roz: It's Maris. Martin: Well, what's the big deal, why don't we just go in there and talk to her? Roz: We can't go in there now, she might not be alone. Remember the rose? Frasier: Oh, God. Roz kneels down and looks through the keyhole. Roz: I don't see her, maybe she went back out. Oh, wait. I see her coat on a hat rack. Martin and Frasier exchange a look. Frasier: Look closer. Is the hat rack moving? Roz: Oh my God! Martin: What's she doing? Roz: Well, she seems to be alone. Frasier: That's good. Roz: Now she's pouring champagne - two glasses. Frasier: Oh, that's bad. Roz: Now she's putting on music. A Latin Beat plays, with the words "Do-do-do the Barracuda..." Frasier: Oh, oh, that's bad. On so many levels. Roz: She's coming this way! Everyone crams into the shower, and they draw the curtain. They stand quietly as Maris [seen only as a silhouette] comes in, gargles, spits, and goes out again. Frasier: She's gone! They stumble out of the shower again. Martin: How the hell are we going to get out of here? Frasier: I have no idea. All I know is that I have got to be downstairs in the next ten minutes, or two hundred people are going to be sorely disappointed! Roz: Two hundred people? Where'd you hear that? Frasier: They told me that was the room capacity! [Roz just looks at him] Oh! Oh, come on! Giggles had to add a show! Martin: Shh, she's gonna hear us. Doorbell buzzes. Roz: It's the Barracuda! Martin: Who's the Barracuda? Roz: He's a sleazy Latin lounge singer Maris is going to sleep with to get back at Niles for kissing Mimi! Martin: Who's Mimi? Frasier: A horny society boozer, and the Mrs. O'Leary's Cow of our current predicament! Martin: Who's Mrs. O'Leary? Frasier: A woman in Chicago who - oh, I don't have the time! The point is, we have got to stop this before Maris does something that is going to damage her relationship forever. Roz: We cannot go out there. We don't want to walk in on the two of them. Martin: I don't want to see that! I just ate caribou! Frasier: Oh, all right. Seems I'm the only one who cares about this relationship. I will go and do it. He opens the door - and comes face-to-face with Niles. Everyone jumps and yells. Niles: Maris, what a lovely bathroom! Naaah! [comes in and shuts the door] What are you doing here?! Frasier: We came to convince Maris that there was nothing going on between you and Mimi! What are you doing here?! Niles: Well, Maris and I ran into each other on deck, and we had a long talk, and, well, she invited me back here for a glass of champagne! Martin: Oh, that's great, Niles! Niles: Yes, though it might marr the mood a bit if she finds you all spying on her! [notices the sink] Did you use that mouthwash? Frasier: No, Maris did. Niles: My God - she's in the mood for more than champagne! You've got to leave right now. Just give me time to see her out to the balcony. Frasier: A balcony?! Niles: Count to ten, and then scram, so Maris and I can celebrate the way a man and his wife were meant to. [cracks the door] Oh, damn. She started without me. Frasier/Martin/Roz: Eeww... Niles: Drinking the champagne. Frasier/Martin/Roz: Ohhh... Scene Z - Hallway The Barracuda walks down the hallway, carrying a red rose in one hand. Stopping at Cabin 712, he checks the note written on his hand, and rings the bell. As he waits, he unbuttons the top of his shirt to show more chest. Behind him, Frasier, Roz, and Martin slip out of Maris's room. They see Mimi open the door and usher the Barracuda in. Frasier and Roz tell Martin who the man and the woman are, and they all walk down the hall laughing.	Plan: A: Frasier; Q: Who is disappointed when he discovers that the living quarters are abysmal? A: Niles; Q: Who is on the cruise trying to forget his troubles? A: a cruise; Q: What do Frasier, Roz, Niles and Martin take to Alaska? A: the celebrity guest; Q: What is Frasier booked as on the cruise? A: Carlos "The Barracuda" del Gato; Q: Who is the 1970s dance musician that Roz is pursued by? A: Maris; Q: Who should have been with Niles on his anniversary? A: Switzerland; Q: Where did Maris go after Niles left a message for her to join them? Summary: Frasier, Roz, Niles and Martin take a cruise to Alaska . Frasier is booked as the celebrity guest, and is disappointed when he discovers that the living quarters are abysmal, and there turns out to be no one on board wanting to see him, nor any other well-known entertainment acts. Roz is pursued by a 1970s dance musician, Carlos "The Barracuda" del Gato. Niles is on the cruise trying to forget his troubles; it is his wedding anniversary and he should have been with Maris, but she disappeared off to Switzerland. What he does not know is that Frasier left a message suggesting she join them, and she is aboard.
Scene: The apartment. Sheldon: This movie baffles me every time we watch it. Leonard: What do you mean? Sheldon: Well, the instructions are very clear, don't feed the gremlins after midnight, don't get the gremlins wet. How hard is that? Penny (arriving): Hi, guys. Hi, honey. Leonard: Hey. Howard: Ooh, we're honey now, are we? Sheldon: Yes. Since their relationship became carnal, Penny has upgraded his designated term of endearment, thus distinguishing him from those she calls sweetie, usually in an attempt to soften a thinly-veiled insult. Penny: You're boring people sweetie. Sheldon: Although, sometimes, she omits the veil entirely. Penny: So, what are you guys doing? Howard: Celebrating Columbus Day. Leonard: We're watching Goonies, Gremlins and Young Sherlock Holmes. They were all written by Chris Columbus. Penny: Okay. What do you watch on Thanksgiving? Sheldon: The parade. Penny: Oh, you know, that reminds me, I usually go back to Nebraska for thanksgiving, but this year they're calling it off on account of my brother's trial. Leonard: What's he on trial for? Penny: Oh, just a big misunderstanding. You know, you'd actually like my brother, he's kind of a chemist. Anyway, I was thinking I'd have thanksgiving here, and you are all invited. Leonard: Oh. I'll be there. Sheldon: Will you be serving cranberry jelly or cranberry sauce? Penny: I guess I could serve both. Sheldon: You guess? You don't seem to have much of a handle on this. Howard: Yeah, I really wish I could, Penny, but every year my mother has all the relatives over and cooks up her famous tur-briska-fil. Penny: Tur-briska-fil? Howard: Turkey stuffed with a brisket stuffed with gefilte fish. It's not as good as it sounds. Penny: Raj, what about you? Howard: Oh, he usually comes to my house. Right, pal? (Raj bursts into tears and runs away) All right, this year, you don't have to eat the tur-briska-fil. I don't even chew it. I swallow it like pills. Credits sequence. Scene: A few moments later. Leonard: So, what's going on with Raj? Howard: Well, the good news is, he has no problem with my mother's tur-brka-fil. Penny: Hard to believe, but go on. Howard: The bad news is, he says he's getting deported. Leonard: What do you mean, he's getting deported? Sheldon: I believe it means that the U.S. Government is going to expel him from the country. He could then either return to his native India, emigrate to another country that's willing to accept him, or wander the high seas as a stateless pirate. Personally, I'd choose pirate. Howard: Penny, would you mind stepping outside so we can speak to him? Penny: Ugh, fine. But the man really needs to work on his girl issues. Sheldon: Another reason to consider a life of piracy. Even today, I understand that's an all-male profession. Howard: Okay, she's gone. Raj: Sorry. I lost my cool. Leonard: So, what's going on? Raj: Okay, here's the deal, six months ago, my research testing the predicted composition of trans-Neptunian objects ran into a dead end. Howard: So? Raj: So, my visa's only good as long as I'm employed at the university, and when they find out I've got squat, they're going to cut me off. By the way, when I say squat, I mean diddly-squat. I wish I had squat. Leonard: So, wait, what have you been doing for the past six months? Raj: You know, checking e-mail, updating my facebook status, messing up wikipedia entries. Hey, did you know Netflix lets you stream movies on your computer now? Sheldon: And you've continued to take the university's money under false pretences? Highly unethical for an astrophysicist. Although practically mandatory for a pirate. Raj: I don't want to go back to India. It's hot and loud, and there's so many people. You have no idea, they're everywhere. Howard: Okay, guys, think, how do we keep Raj in the country? Penny (from outside): Why doesn't he just get another job? Howard (after Raj whispers to him): What are you asking me for? I don't know if you can talk now or not. Scene: The university cafeteria. Raj: Oh, beef, I'm going to miss you so much. Do you know, at the Mumbai McDonald's, you can't get a Big Mac? All you can get is a Chicken Maharaja Mac. And the special sauce, curry, which, in India, believe you me, is really not that special. Leonard: Don't worry, you'll find another job. Raj: Yeah let me start practicing for it. Do you want fries with that Maharaja Mac?" Sheldon: Hi, Leonard. Hello, Raj. Raj: Hello Sheldon. Sheldon: Forgive me, as you know, I'm no adept at reading facial cues, but I'm going to take a stab here, you're either sad or nauseated. Raj: I'm sad. Sheldon: I was going to say sad. I don't know why I hedged. Raj: What are you eating? Sheldon: Elbow macaroni with ground hamburger and tomato sauce. Raj: Oh, beefaroni. I think I'll miss you most of all. Leonard: I've always been a little confused about this. Why don't Hindus eat beef? Raj: We believe cows are gods. Sheldon: Not technically. In Hinduism, cattle are thought to be like God. Raj: Do not tell me about my own culture, Sheldon! In the mood I'm in, I'll take you out, I swear to cow! Sheldon: I'm sorry. Raj: Me, too. I'm just, I'm a little on edge. Sheldon: Understandable. Your entire life seems to be crumbling around you, and your future appears bleak at best. Raj: Thank you. Sheldon: And you're wrong about Hinduism and cows. Howard (arriving): Hey, Raj, guess what. Professor Laughlin is looking for someone to join the stellar evolution research team. Raj: You, you're kidding. That's fantastic! Howard: Come on, what are you waiting for? Call him and set up an interview. Raj: I'm on it. Sheldon: That's happy, right? Leonard: Yeah. Sheldon: Nailed it. Scene: Professor Laughlin's office. Prof Laughlin: Dr. Koothrappali, come on in. I was surprised to hear you were interested In joining our little team. Giving up on those trans-Neptunian objects, are we? Raj: No, no, it's a very promising area. In a perfect world I'd spend several more years on it. But I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to work with you on your tremendously exciting and not yet conclusively disproved hypothesis. Prof Laughlin: Splendid. Uh, please sit down. Can I offer you a sherry? Raj: It's a little early, isn't it? Prof Laughlin: Not on Proxima Centauri. Raj: That's very good. Jolly amusing, but if you don't mind, I'll hold off until sunset on titan. Prof Laughlin: Oh, well done. I have a feeling you're going to fit in just fine, Dr. Koothrappali. Raj: Thank you, sir. (There is a knock on the door. A young woman enters) Woman: I'm sorry. Am I late? Prof Laughlin: No, no, no. Right on time. Dr. Koothrappali, may I present Dr. Millstone from MIT. She'll be heading up our data analysis team. Dr Millstone: It's nice to meet you, Dr. Koothrappali. I read your paper on Kuiper belt object size distribution. I really enjoyed it. How did you correct for the selection bias? (During this, Raj surreptitiously wanders over to where Prof Laughlin's drinks are, pours himself a large sherry and knocks it back in one.) Raj: Well, I ran a simulation that allowed me to correct for the observational efficiency. Dr Millstone: That's just fascinating. Raj: Thank you. Would you like to hear more about it in my hot tub? So, when do I start? Scene: The apartment. Howard: What do you mean you didn't get the job? How could you not get it? Raj: You know, he's British, I'm Indian, ever since Gandhi they haven't liked us very much. Leonard: Wait, are you saying that he discriminated against you? Because we should file a complaint. Raj: That's okay. A complaint has been filed. So, that's it. That was my last hope. I'm going to be deported, sent home in disgrace, exposed to the sardonic barbs of my cousin Sanjay. Or, as you may know him, Dave from AT&T customer service. Howard: I'm really going to miss you. Raj: Will you come visit me in India? Howard: Gee, that's, like, a 17-hour flight. How about I meet you halfway? Raj: Halfway is 600 miles off the coast of Japan. Howard: Tell you what, we'll skype. Sheldon (arriving): Gentlemen. Leonard: Hey. Sheldon: Raj, did you get the job with Professor Laughlin? Raj: No. Sheldon: I assumed as much. But never fear. Like the subordinate male protagonist in countless action movies who disappears half way through the second reel, I have returned to save the day. Odd, usually, he's met by cheers. Anyway, I was thinking about exploring the string theory implications of gamma rays from dark matter annihilations, and it occurred to me that I could benefit... Leonard: Excuse me, Sheldon, how many reels before the subordinate male protagonist gets to his point? Sheldon: I'm sorry, if you didn't cheer at my entrance, it's too late to buy into the premise. Anyway, I got some extra money from the head of the department, and raj can come work for me. Raj: You want me to work with you? Sheldon: For me. You're going to have to listen more carefully when you're on the job. Raj: Okay, uh, please don't take this the wrong way, but I'd rather swim buck-naked across the Ganges with a paper cut on my nipple and die a slow, agonizing death from a viral infection than work with you. Sheldon: For me. Scene: Sheldon's office. Raj (knocking and entering): Sheldon, are you busy? Sheldon: Of course I'm busy. Raj: Shall I wait? Sheldon: Yes, please. (After about 30 seconds) How may I help you? Raj: I've reconsidered your offer to let me work with you. Sheldon: For me. Raj: Yes, for you. I do, however, have a few conditions. First, at all times, I am to be treated as a colleague and an equal. Second, my contributions shall be noted in all published material. And third, you are never allowed to lecture me on Hinduism or my Indian culture. Sheldon: I'm impressed, Raj. Those are very cogent and reasonable conditions. Raj: Thank you. Sheldon: I reject them all. Raj: Then you leave me no choice. I accept the job. Sheldon: I'm sorry, I believe you've misunderstood. I'm not giving you the job. I'm simply affording you the opportunity to apply for it. Have a seat, we'll get started with the interview. Raj: Wha... You're kidding! Sheldon: Please. Raj: All right. Sheldon: So, that's what you wear to an interview? Raj: Come on, dude, we've been friends for years. Sheldon: Oh, pulling strings, are we? Raj: Sheldon, for God's sakes, don't make me beg. Sheldon: Bazinga! You've fallen victim to another one of my classic practical jokes. I'm your boss now. You may want to laugh at that. Scene: The apartment. Penny: Ah, it's nice having the place to ourselves, isn't it? Leonard: Uh-huh. Now that Raj is working for Sheldon, I don't have to chauffeur him around anymore. Plus, yeah, with them working late so much, we get some privacy. Penny: Mm-hmm. Hey, want to get a little crazy? Leonard: What are you thinking? Penny: Let's slide over to Sheldon's spot a make out. Leonard: You are a dirty girl. Penny (as the making out is interrupted by a knock on the door): Oh, God, how did he know? Howard: Hello. Leonard: Hi, Howard. Howard: Am I interrupting? Leonard: Little bit, yeah. Howard: Guess I should have called. Penny: Yeah, maybe. Howard: Tonight's the night I usually go line dancing with Raj at the palomino. Leonard: Uh-huh. Howard: But he's working with Sheldon. Penny: Yes, we know. Howard: Want me to leave? Leonard: You know, whatever. Howard: Okay, I guess I can hang for a little while. So what are we watching? sx and the city. Yikes. Penny: Hey, I happen to love this movie. Howard: Fine, let's watch it. Maybe all our periods will synchronize. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: Sheldon's office. Sheldon: All right, we're going to be designing an experiment to look for the annihilation spectrum resulting from dark matter collisions in space. Raj: Ooh, dark matter. We better bring a flashlight. I was making a joke. Sheldon: I'm the boss. I make the jokes. Raj: Sorry, go ahead and make your joke. Sheldon: This is not the time for joking. We're doing serious research, which requires complete and utter focus. Raj: All right, let's buckle down and work. (To the tune of Eye of the Tiger by Survivor, there is a montage of images, in all of which Sheldon and Raj are staring at the same equation on a whiteboard.) Raj: Sheldon. Sheldon: What? Raj: I need an aspirin. Sheldon: Top desk drawer. Raj: Thank you. Sheldon: Alright? Raj: Yes. Sheldon: Good. (Montage of scenes resumes) Scene: Penny and Leonard exiting Leonard's bedroom. Leonard: That was fun. Thank you. Penny: Leonard, honey, you don't have to say thank you every time we have sx. Leonard: Oh. Okay. Tomorrow you're going to get a card in the mail. Just throw it away. Howard: Top o' the mornin'o ya! Leonard: What are you doing here? Howard: Well, usually, on Sundays, I go with Raj to scam on hippie chicks at the farmers market, but he's still working with Sheldon, so I thought I'd come over here and make you guys scrambled eggs and salami. It's the perfect meal for apres l'amour. Penny: Oh, kill me. Howard: By the way, I couldn't help overhearing your big finish. Bravo, Leonard. Penny: See, if you had killed me when I said kill me, I wouldn't have had to hear that. Howard: What do you guys think? Want to take in a matinee, maybe go rollerblading, catch a step class? Penny: Do something. Leonard: Yeah, okay. Um, Howard, we need to talk. Howard: Sure. 'sup, homes? Leonard: Uh, please understand that it's not that we don't want you around, but Penny and I occasionally need some alone time. Howard: Oh. I get it, I'm the third wheel. Sorry, I should have seen that. I'll get out of your way. Uh, you're gonna want to eat those eggs while they're still hot. Leonard: Thank you. There's lox and cream cheese in the fridge, the bagels are in the oven, I was warming them up. Penny: That's great. Howard: Ill just hang out with my mom. That's always fun. Leonard: Good. Penny: Are we terrible people? Leonard: I don't know. What do you want me to do? Penny: Get him, bring him back. Leonard: Are you sure? Penny: Yeah. Leonard: Okay. Howard come back. Howard: Oh, you guys had me scared for a minute. Scene: Sheldon's office. Sheldon is writing on the whiteboard. Raj: No, no, no, no! That rate is much too low for what we'd expect from this collision. Do you understand that we're talking about dark matter colliding in outer space? Sheldon: Of course I understand. And who are you to tell me about outer space? Raj: I'm the astrophysicist. Astro means space. Sheldon: Astro means star. Raj: Okay, well, let me just tell you, if we were having this argument in my native language, I'd be kicking your butt. Sheldon: English is your native language. Raj: Okay, you got me there, but you're wrong about this! Sheldon: There is a fine line between wrong and visionary. Unfortunately you have to be a visionary to see it. Raj: My god, you think that every thought that comes out of your head is pure gold. Well, let me tell you something. Some of those thoughts are pure caca. Sheldon: Caca? Raj: It means doo-doo. Sheldon: All right! First of all, Dr. Koothrappali, when I first proposed that you work with me... Raj: Aha! So I am working with you. Sheldon: In this context, with me means for me. Raj: Ah, well, in this context... (blows raspberry) Sheldon: Oh! If I'm wrong, prove it. Raj: Okay. Here's where we derive the mass of the dark matter particle. Sheldon: No, no, no, you've misstated the atomic weight of the target. Raj: Let me finish. Sheldon: You're defacing my work. Raj: I'm not defacing it, I'm fixing it. Sheldon: Give me the eraser. Raj: No. Sheldon: I said give it to me. Raj: Come and get it. Sheldon: Fine. (Uses hand as an eraser. Then realises his hand is dirty) Oh, lord. Dr. Koothrappali, as your superior, I forbid you from writing on my board! Raj: You are not my superior. Sheldon: I am in every way. Raj: Oh, yeah? Can you do this? (Performs complex finger trick) Nice working with you. I'm sorry, for you. (Exits. Sheldon stares a moment, then tries to perform the trick. Fails.) Scene: Outside Raj's flat. Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Raj. (Knock, knock, knock) Raj. (Knock, knock, knock) Raj. Raj: I'm busy. Sheldon: Doing what? (Performs finger trick again) All right, you've made your point. Raj: What do you want, Sheldon? Sheldon: I looked over the board and it turns out you were right. Raj: So you were wrong. Sheldon: I didn't say that. Raj: That's the only logical inference. Sheldon: Nevertheless, I didn't say it. Anyway, I would like you to come back and work for me. Raj: For you or with you? Sheldon: In this context for me could mean with me. Raj: All right, but I have some conditions. Sheldon: I reject them all. Raj: I'll take the job. See you Monday. Sheldon: Wait, you have to drive me home. Raj: How did you get here? Sheldon: I walked. Raj: So walk home. Sheldon: I can't. There's a big dog outside. On the way home, we can start thinking about methods of optimizing the detector for 500 GEV particles. Raj: All right. (As they walk down the corridor, Eye of the Tiger starts playing again.) ( to perform trick, place both hands together as if praying, then fold two middle fingers over so that they pass to the right of one another, finally rotate right hand anti-clockwise and waggle both middle fingers)	Plan: A: a dead end; Q: What does Raj's research on trans-Neptunian objects come to? A: a new job; Q: What does Raj need to avoid deportation to India? A: Sheldon; Q: Who offers Raj a job? A: a chance; Q: What does Sheldon offer Raj to work for him? A: his theory; Q: What does Sheldon concede to Raj is correct? A: intrudes; Q: What does Howard do to Leonard and Penny's relationship? A: their relationship; Q: What does Howard intrude into when he tries to hang out with Leonard and Penny? Summary: Raj's research on trans-Neptunian objects comes to a dead end and he faces deportation to India unless he gets a new job. Sheldon offers Raj a chance to work for him. Raj accepts but disagreements ensue. Eventually, Sheldon apologises to Raj, conceding that his theory is correct but refusing to give up on his own. Howard tries to hang out with Leonard and Penny, but intrudes into their relationship.
[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Director: "Show the cleavage, say the line. Got it?" Cordy: "Got it." Wesley on phone: "I've been put in charge of our group." Angel: "What do we do, Wesley?" Wesley: "Uhm, uh..." Gunn: "Last night I lost one of my crew. I should have been there." Angel: "God, I hate LA. When can we get out of this world?" Wesley: "Cordy's been sucked into the portal. She's in the host's dimension." Angel: "We're going in after her." The convertible barrels through the gate. Angel standing in the sun. Wesley: "The meta-physical laws that govern our world don't seem to apply here." Angel looks at himself in the mirror. Wesley: "Cordelia?" Cordy: "They made me their ruler." Silas: "Your Majesty, the groosalug." Cordy smiles at Groo. Mom: "Krelorneswath?" Mom spits. Lorne: "My mother!" Angel stands over Fred holding the crebbil. Landok: "Strike quickly and true, Angel. Then we can eat." Fred: "Handsome man - saved me from the monsters." Angel morphs into the Angel-beast. Wes and Gunn are bound to a post in the rebel camp. Leader: "Shove the list in their mouths, put their severed heads on sticks and display them outside the princess's window." Silas to Cordy: "You will do what we say." Removes the lid to reveal Lorne's head on a silver platter. Cordy stands alone in front of Lorne's severed head sobbing. Cordy: "No. Oh, no. - God, please forgive me. This is all my fault. Because I pardoned you - and they - they wanted to teach me a lesson. - You didn't do anything wrong." Cordy reaches out as if to touch Lorne's cheek, but pulls her hand back at the last moment. Cordy: "You didn't do anything. - I don't like it here anymore. - I just wanna go home." Cordy covers her face with her hands, so she doesn't see Lorne's eyes open. Lorne: "Oh, honey, I'm right there with you." Cordy pulls her hands form her face, lets out a scream and falls backwards. Intro Cordy is standing in front of Lorne's head, sustaining one loud, drawn-out scream. Lorne: "I realize this is a bit of a shock, but I can explain. Take it easy. Okay, get it out of your system. (Laughs a little) That's good. You have to breathe sometime. - Good lord, shut up, woman!" Cordy finally quits screaming, and starts gasping for breath. Lorne: "It's not like I have hands to cover my ears here, you know?" Cordy points at Lorne's head: "Y-y-you-you're... I-it's..." Lorne: "So, please just listen? My people, the fun-loving Deathwok clan, you cut off our heads we just keep on ticking until you mutilate our bodies. Obviously they haven't gotten to my body yet. Probably a backlog in the mutilation chamber. So if we move quickly and quietly..." The door bursts open and Cordy spins around with a gasp, stepping between the head and the door. Two cow slaves walk in. Markallo: "Oh sacred princess, are you troubled? We heard a fearful shrieking." Cordy: "Oh, the shrieking. It's ah - the royal meditation that I do to help me - focus on the great affairs of state that I must manage." Takes a deep breath, spreads her hands and lets out a bellowing shriek. Markallo: "Kaldar, remove the traitor's filthy head from our lady's august presence." Cordy: "No, no, no, no! I - like the filthy head. That is, ah, I want to defile it more! (Turns and spits on Lorne, who is playing dead) I just keep it - to spit upon, and-and-and when I grow tired of that, I-I-I will make it into ah, a planter. A traitor planter - for all to see. - - Or maybe a candy dish. (Sighs) You may leave me." Markallo: "As you wish noble mistress." They leave, closing the door behind them and Cordy hurries to wipe Lorne's head with a piece of cloth. Cordy: "I'm sorry about the spittle. I just had to think fast. - This is just pretty unsettling for me." Lorne: "Oh, I'm sure it must be. And after all, I only lost my head! Technically my body." Cordy: "Okay, I realize this is a trying experience but I really don't see how yelling at me - can help matters." Lorne: "Just put me in a bag and take me to the mutilation chamber." Cordy: "I have no idea where the - mutilation chamber might be! I..." Lorne: "So, I guess I'll just sit here and die then. Find someone who knows!" Silas: "In what temper did you find her?" Markallo: "She appeared grievously distressed, master." Silas: "Good. We will add more heads to her collection that she might never forget who is the master here and who is the servant." Turns to the blue faced captain of the palace guard. Silas: "Her two friends that escaped through the waste canal, send a hunting party south into the woods after them." Captain: "Yes, lord." Silas: "As to the one they call Angel - you know what he is?" Captain: "He is the animal who took apart two of my soldiers." Priest: "He is a Van-tal, a drinker of blood. He can only be killed by fire, decapitation or a wooden spear through the heart." Silas: "Perhaps all three, just to be thorough. Hunt him down." Captain: "It shall be done, my lord. I will personally bury my spear in his rump." The Captain turns to leave. Silas: "Captain! His heart is where a cow's is (touches his breast) here." Captain: "Disgusting." The Captain leaves. Priest: "This Angel-beast has saved a runaway slave her rightful beheading. He ignores our laws and profanes our holy culture." Silas: "He does worse than that. He brings hope to the cows, for if one can be free hope arises that all can be free. - Isn't that right, Markallo?" Markallo: "My lord, as it was ordained in the beginning our lives belong to you." Silas: "They do. Yet we live in a time where runaways become rebels - where portals open to worlds where the holy clergy has not decreed them. Even slaves supposedly loyal to me - give the enemy drawings to our sacred devices." Markallo: "I-it is not true, master." Silas: "Don't be alarmed, Markallo. You did me a favor. The cows need to know what we can do to them - any time we chose." Silas turns around points a small silver device at Markallo and pushes down on a jewel set in its side. Markallo's eyes widen as we here a whizzing sound, then his head is blown of his shoulders. Silas doesn't show any reaction as we hear a dull thud followed by the slave ring around his neck clinking on the floor. Silas to Kaldar: "Please clean that up." Silas looks at the silver device: "And if one of thy slaves offend thee, thou shalt smite him down." Pulls a cloth off a console, lets his hand hover over the outline of a hand set with jewels in the middle of it. Silas: "And if all of thy slaves offend thee, thou shalt smite them down, too, even upon the very last one in the land." Day in the rebel camp, Wes and Gunn are kneeling, their hands bound behind their backs, their heads clamped into a pair of stocks. Leader: "For the crime of collaboration you are sentenced to death." Wesley: "No! We're not collaborators, we're not even from around here!" Sasha: "On my count of three." Wesley: "Forgive me, Gunn. I should never have opened my mouth." Gunn: "I've got a plan." Wesley: "Oh thank god! What is it?" Sasha: "One." Gunn: "We die horribly and painfully, you go to hell and I spend eternity in the arms of baby Jesus." Wesley: "Oh." The rebel standing next to Wesley lifts his ax. Sasha: "Two." Gunn squeezes his eyes shut. Sasha: "Three." Just as the executioner is about to strike a black-fletched arrow buries itself in his chest and he falls back with a scream, dropping the ax. The rebel leader spins around to see mounted guards charging down from the surrounding hills. Leader: "Imperial guards!" The rebels turn to fight the attacking guards. Wesley and Gunn get up, the stocks clamped around their necks swinging around ponderously. Wesley: "This is our chance to escape!" Guard charging towards them: "There they are! Kill the otherworlders!" Gunn: "I really had about enough of this world." Gunn and Wesley swing the heavy stocks still clamped around their necks, using them to knock out the soldiers attacking them on foot. Angel is lying on some pelts on the cave floor. He lets out a low moan then wakes with a sudden gasp and looks over to the cave entrance. Fred enters carrying a wooden bowl in her hand. Fred: "I found Kalla berries! (Pops a couple in her mouth with a smile) They sweeten the oatmeal. (Crouches down beside the fire) Well - I call it oatmeal. It's actually crug-grain and thistles, but with enough Kalla berries..." Turns to see Angel slowly getting to his feet. Fred: "I hope the skins are comfortable. I seem to remember when there were beds you could sleep in for hours at a time!" Angel: "Oh, yeah, I-I slept. It-it was fine." Angel walks over to the pool and sits down on the edge of it. Fred: "Hmm." Angel: "What? (Looks down at his reflection for a moment before scooping up a handful of water to wash his face.) Did I snore?" Fred: "Hmm... I don't remember any snoring." Angel: "Good." Fred: "I remember caterwauling..." Fred lets out a short shriek, startling Angel. Angel: "Sorry." Fred: "I don't mind. - Sometimes it just burbles up inside you and you have to - bellow a little. Do it all the time. No one's around to hear." Crouches down in front of Angel and hands him a bowl of 'oatmeal' with a spoon in it. Fred: "You'll get better with a little rest and care." Angel: "I don't think so." Fred: "Why wouldn't ya?" Angel: "You saw what I turn into. - Back in LA it's bad. But here it's..." Fred: "We all got our demons." Angel doesn't look at her, just moves the spoon around in his oatmeal. Fred gets up and walks away from him. Fred: "Okay, so - maybe you got a beast in you. But I know what it's like to be squirrelly and a freak with no one to... (spins to face Angel) Does it taste like oatmeal?" Angel hurriedly shoves a spoonful in his mouth. Fred: "I-I forget what things are supposed to taste like." Angel: "Tastes good." Fred takes a step closer and yells 'Tacos!' making Angel jump. Fred: "Sorry. I didn't mean to holler at you. (Sits down beside Angel) I love tacos. Do they still have them? You know, back..." Angel: "...home? Yeah, they didn't outlaw tacos." Fred: "Oh, of course not. I've been trying to make an enchilada out of tree bark." Angel: "Bark enchiladas. Huh. - How's that going?" Fred: "There is work to be done." Cordy: "Come in!" The door to the throne room opens and a serving maid hurriedly kneels down in front of Cordy. Marelda: "What may thy lowly serving wench do you, my lady." Cordy: "You're not lowly. Please get up, get up. You're just like me." Marelda looks up: "Like you? The light that shines in the darkness upon the land?" Cordy: "Sure. - Is - is-is that what they really call me? (Marelda quickly lowers her eyes again) Anyway. You have served me well and loyally these last - two and a half - days. I'm very fond of you Lamara." Marelda: "Marelda." Cordy: "I knew that." Marelda: "Of course you did, exalted one. You know all. You must cut my tongue from my worthless skull!" Cordy: "No! No cutting. What is it with you people and mutilation?" Marelda: "We don't have a lot of - entertainment, mum." Cordy: "Can you keep a secret, Geraldo?" Marelda's head snaps up and she nods. Cordy: "I want you to take me to the mutilation chamber." Marelda: "This can not be done, majesty." Cordy: "Why not?" Marelda: "If anyone were to see you, you would bring shame to the kingdom! You can not defile your holy self by entering such a place." Cordy: "Huh." Cordy looks down at the 'dead' head of Lorne with a sigh. Drums her fingers on the pedestal for a moment. Cordy: "Okay. - Take off your clothes." Marelda stares up at Cordy. Lorne's eyes blink open. Angel stands in a little patch of sunshine inside the cave. Fred is sitting a little ways away, mending some garment. Angel: "Can't do this in LA." Fred: "Why not?" Angel: "Oh, I'll burst into flames. - Part of the beast thing." Fred: "So it's better for you here." Angel: "Well - there is the sun (lifts his head to face the sun, then lowers it and steps out of the sunlight) but also the thing inside that wants to rip my friends apart." Fed looks up at him for a moment, then goes back to mending the tunic she is holding on her lap. Angel sighs and looks at the symbols covering the cave walls. Angel: "Krv... drplgr.. I know these words. These are the words we used to open up the portals." Fred: "They're not words. They're consonant representations of a mathematical transfiguration formula." Angel after a beat: "Well, obviously." Fred: "I used to think that if you said them out loud and in the right order the quaking and quivering would..." Angel: "Oh, you mean open a portal. - Well, that's how we got here and that's how we'll get back." Fred: "No. I tried. For years and years - until my tongue was swollen and my head was all kaplooey. It doesn't work on this side." Angel: "Oh, but it does. A drokken and one of those green warriors got to LA from this end. Somebody must have opened up the portals for them. Maybe you did and you just don't know where." Fred: "Me? I don't think so. The priests have all the power here." Angel turns back to look at the walls. Fred screams as a palace guard tackles her. Angel spins around, grabs the guard and tosses him against the cave wall. Another guard attacks Angel, and then the Captain tries to run Angel through with a spear. Angel grabs the spear and deflects it so the Captain stabs the guard behind Angel with it instead. The Captain hits Angel with his fist, pulls the spear free and uses it to beat up on Angel, who staggers back under the assault. Angel's eyes suddenly take on a red glow. Fred cowers against one of the cave walls. Angel: "Can't change. Won't change." The glow slowly fades. The Captain swings the spear around, knocks Angel to the ground, then stabs him in the chest with it. Break Angel groans as the Captain pulls the spear back out. Captain: "Missed the heart, did I?" Runs Angel through a again. Still no heart. Gets ready to try again, but suddenly collapses, revealing Fred behind him, holding a big boulder up above her head. Fred crouches down beside Angel repeating over and over: "Please don't die. Please don't die." Angel passes out. The last of the guards is fleeing the rebel camp. Sasha throws his sword after him and we hear a groan and a thud. Sasha walks over to the corpse of their leader and pulls the sword out of his body, walks over to where Wes and Gunn, stocks still around their necks, hands bound behind their backs are standing together. Sasha: "They did not come for us. They came for you. Why?" Wesley: "Because they know we will try to rescue the princess." Sasha: "Rescue her from what?" Wesley: "From mating with the groosalug." Bartok: "Which will fulfill their prophecies and consolidate their power." Gunn: "We don't want that to happen any more than you do." Sasha nods: "You're fight. We are on the same side. Release them." Some rebels go to untie them and take off the stocks. Sasha loudly: "Though their hands were tied and their necks were bared they fought with us. (Takes a step closer and continues more quietly) I'm ashamed. We nearly cut your heads off." Wesley rubbing his neck: "You were just (sighs) doing your job." Gunn gives Wes a look. Sasha: "You're free to go." Wes and Gunn walk past him towards the woods. Sasha: "Five cheers for the otherworlders!" Rebels cheering: "Brave warriors! Brave warriors!..." Wesley: "Oh, in this world you get five!" Gunn: "So, our first job is to find Angel." Wesley: "Yes." Gunn: "Last time we saw him he had a funny look on his face. A 'rip out your guts now, ask questions later' kind of look." Wesley: "What do you suggest?" Gunn stops and points back at the camp: "I'm thinking these guys have a cause worth fighting for. Isn't that what we do?" Wesley: "What about Cordelia?" Gunn: "If we're gonna be getting her out of that castle we're gonna need a lot of muscle." Wesley: "Muscle which could come in handy if we have to incapacitate Angel." Gunn: "Yeah. Also look at them. They won a skirmish today, but they're no match for the covenant. I don't wanna leave them to get themselves killed. - I do that enough." Fred dabs at the wounds in Angel's chest. Angel's eyes slowly flutter open. Fred: "Oh. There you are. Good." Angel: "Hi." Fred: "You heal fast." Angel: "One of the pluses of being a beast." Fred: "But you're not. When you were fighting this time, you didn't change." Angel: "I was afraid." Fred: "Of what?" Angel: "That if I did, I'd never get back." Fred after a beat: "You're not a beast." We hear laughter. Fred turns her head to look at the blue faced Captain lying bound on the floor behind her. Captain: "We'll write that on your bones once he tears you to pieces." Fred: "I'll just roll him over the cliff into the drokken gully like I did the others." Angel: "Wait. I need to talk to him." Angel slowly sits up, and makes his way over to the Captain. Pulls him up by the neck. Angel: "What can you tell me about the princess, huh?" Captain: "The filthy cow bitch that brought you into our world?" Angel: "Call her that again - I'll remove your face - slowly." Captain: "Once the groosalug mates with her - she'll be put to death. Like we already did with that traitor, Krevlorneswath." Angel: "You killed Lorne?" Captain: "We cut his head off and mutilated his body." Angel pushes the Captain away and starts to move towards the exit. Angel: "I have to go." Fred: "It's too dangerous. They'll kill you." Angel: "My friends are in trouble. One of them is already dead." Fred: "But it's safe here. Out there it's..." Angel turns around to look at her. Fred: "It's safe here with me." Angel quietly: "I'm sorry." The Captain pulls a knife from his sleeve and cuts at the bonds around his wrists. Fred: "They'll kill you and you'll turn into that beast - maybe not exactly in that order." Angel: "My friends are in trouble." Fred: "But the beast. I know you don't want them to see you that way. (Angel looks away) I'm not afraid of it like everyone else." The Captain launches himself at them from behind Fred with his knife. Angel pulls Fred out of the way, as Fred lets out a scream. Taking a hold of the Captain's knife hand he twists it around and stabs him in the gut with it. The Captain drops to the floor. Angel goes over to Fred and pulls the hand clamped over her right upper arm away to get a look at the wound underneath. Angel: "Alright. You'll be alright." Cordy, dressed in the servant's dress and carrying a bucket sneaks into the mutilation chamber. Cordy: "It's pretty dark in here. - Let me just get used to it." She makes her way deeper into the chamber and spots a table heaped with body parts. Cordy: "Oh, yuck!" She drops the bucket and an 'Ouch! Hey!' echoes up out of it. Cordy: "Sorry. Sorry." Reaching down into it, Cordy pulls out Lorne's head and holds it out in front of her facing the table. Cordy: "These people are crazy! - Anything look familiar?" Lorne: "Get me closer." Averting her face Cordy inches a little closer, holding Lorne's head at arm's length. Lorne: "Oh, god. Oh no!" Cordy: "What? - Boy, that looks like your suit." Lorne: "It is my suit! You think they have French Viscose in this hellhole? (Moans) - Why am I still alive? Once they chop me up it's over! I'm looking at pieces of myself! Oh, it's over! (Sobs) Wait a second. Since when do I have five toes?" Cordy: "Shh! Somebody's coming." She presses herself into a dark corner. Lifts Lorne's head to look him in the eyes. Cordy: "Do you mind if I hit him over the head with you?" Lorne: "Yes!" The door opens and a man walks in. Groo: "Your Highness?" Cordy hurries over to him: "Groo, it's you!" Groo: "I have done something terrible. I have betrayed my vows. But he was your friend. I could not stand to see you suffer." Cordy: "What terrible thing?" Groo: "I stole his body and put his strange garments on these parts - to fool them." Cordy: "You did all this for me? - That's not terrible, that's wonderful!" Throws her arms around Groo and hugs him tight, smashing Lorne's head (still in her hand) against Groo's back. Lorne: "Ouff! - Feels like somebody works out." Cordy steps back with a smile for Groo and holds up Lorne's head. Lorne: "Hi. And thank you from the bottom of my neck on down. - So, ah, where's the rest of me?" Groo: "I had your body smuggled to your mother's farm. Your cousin Landok shall meet us at the eastern watchtower. He will transport you home." Cordy turns Lorne's head to face her: "This is great! The man's an honest to god hero!" Cordy gives Groo another hug, banging Lorne's head against a pillar as she throws her arms around him. Lorne: "Ouch! - Watch the head!" The rebels are discussing what to do next. Bartok: "You still want to storm the castle gates." Sasha: "Yes! We have to show them!" Bartok: "We can't defeat them! They have the power, they have the wealth, we have no plan!" Sasha: "I say we storm the gates!" Wesley: "If you do they'll cut you down. You can not wage a frontal attack against a stronger opponent. - This kind of battle can only be won through guerilla warfare. (They all just look at him) By being sneaky! You create a diversion then you strike at several different points at once. While they are looking ahead, you come from behind." Sasha: "And kill their leader." Wesley: "Yes." Bartok: "Silas, their head priest." Sasha: "It's a good plan." Bartok: "I agree." Sasha lift up the bloody sword he pulled from their leader's body and holds it out to Wesley. Sasha: "You shall lead us!" Wesley: "Wha... Me? No, no, no, I was just suggesting that..." Bartok: "No, no, you fought well. The Covenant hates you. And you know the princess." Sasha: "And you have a plan." Bartok: "Besides, our leader is dead." Sasha puts the sword in Wesley's hand: "Hail to our new leader!" Rebels yell: "Hail!" Wesley aside to Gunn: "Why do people keep putting me in charge of things?" Gunn: "I have no idea." Rebels: "Hail!" [SCENE_BREAK] Angel is tying a bandage around Fred's arm. Angel: "How's it feel?" Fred: "Alright." Angel: "Ah, it's best if you don't move it for a while. (Takes deep breath and motions towards the exit) Well, I better..." Fred: "Help your friends. - I know. - You're a good man." They look at each other for a moment then Angel turns and walks out of the cave. Fred slowly walks across the cave and sits down with her back against the wall, looks down at the gournd. Angel comes back in. Angel: "I - don't actually know how to get there." Fred: "Oh. (Gets up) I can show you." Groo is pacing in the Throne room. Cordy, back in her princess garb is sitting on a step. Groo: "I disobeyed the Covenant. I shall spend eternity burning in Tarkna for my sin." Cordy: "Oh, who believes a literal Tarkna nowadays." Groo: "It was worth it for one moment of your intimate touch." Cordy gets up: "That was an accident. I-it was kind of dark and - oh - you mean the hug. (They smile at each other and Cordy giggles a little) When I hugged you. That was nice. (Shakes herself) Where were we? Oh, yeah, the nut-cake clergy guys. They need someone to disobey them. They're evil and they run an evil regime." Groo: "It's not my duty to question authority." Cordy: "Hold on there. You're groosalug, the brave and undefeated champion, if it's not your duty to fight evil than I don't know what is." Groo: "I fight who I'm told. - I'm not a real champion!" Cordy: "Then it is time you stopped working for Monk-boy and became one. What you did for me and my friend that was pure champ - all the way." Groo: "I am unworthy of lifting your burden, highness." Cordy: "Nonsense, you're way worthy. - What burden is that again?" Groo: "When you receive me - on the night we are wed." Cordy: "Receive? - Oh! - Receive. When I and you - on our wedding night... I imagine there'll be some burden lifting on both sides. Not that I have a lot of experience or anything!" Groo: "It is foretold in the ancient prophecies that one will come who is cursed with the visions. She will mate with the groosalug whose demon blood shall absorb them." Cordy: "Absorb them?" Groo: "Your visions shall pass to me." Cordy turns away from him: "Ugh! I knew there was a catch! - You can't take my visions! I need them! I-I use them to help my friends fight evil back home!" Groo: "And I will use them here to fight evil, just as you have done." Cordy: "Groo - I can't give up my visions. - I like them. Okay, I don't like the searing pain and agony that is steadily getting worse." Groo: "You are pure human. - You are not meant to carry such a burden." Cordy: "Maybe not. - But I'm not ready to give them up either. - They're a part of who I am now. They're an honor. And you know - the visions, they only last for like a..." Cordy puts a hand to her head as she gets hit by a vision. Groo manages to keep her from falling as she gets some blurry images of Groo lying on the ground, a growling beast on top of him. Cordy: "No. No." Break Wesley, Gunn and the rebels are developing a battle plan. Wesley: "The groosalug is our most formidable opponent. We have to get him out of the castle. If challenged to fight he has to accept?" Sasha: "Yes. A champion of the realm he can not refuse, but no man can defeat the groosalug." Wesley: "We'll worry about defeating him later. Our first step is to get him out of there. Once he's out we'll create diversions here, here and here. (Sets some rocks on a map on the table in front of him.) Then a few of us will scale their back wall here where their defenses are weakest." Gunn: "I wouldn't split my crew up this much if I was leading this charge." Wesley: "I'm leading this charge. Tell me about the killing device." Sasha: "It send a signal to the collar on every slave in the land." Shows Wes a drawing of the jeweled-hand device. Gunn: "What kind of signal?" Bartok: "Blows their heads off." Wesley: "If Silas thinks he's losing he'll use it. We have to get to him before he does." Sasha: "The castle is well guarded." Angel: "Unlike this place." Angel steps out from behind a tree, followed by Fred. Rebels draw weapons and converge on them, on fo them dropping out of the very tree Angel just past to land behind them. Wesley: "It's alright. It's alright. He's a friend." Sasha: "Glad we were keeping watch." Gunn: "He's Angel. He does that. (Points at Fred) How she do that?" Angel: "She's Fred. She does that, too." Wesley: "Fred. Winifred? The girl from Cordy's vision?" Sasha to some rebels: "Check the perimeter - the east groves!" The rebels disperse hurriedly. Angel: "These are my friends - Wesley - Gunn." Fred smiles: "Hi-ya." Wesley: "These, ah (sees that all the rebels are gone) those were the rebels. We've joined forces." Gunn: "They made Wes their general." Wesley: "But you're here now. Ah (Indicates the battle plan) if you want to... I mean - you're much better at..." Angel: "No, Wes, I-I can't... - You know what happens to me. (Looks down) I-I'm sorry... (Looks at Gunn) ...ashamed of what I did to you." Gunn with a slight nod: "It's kind of a crazy place here. - The sooner we all get out of here the better." Angel: "Fred here might be able to help us with that. She knows a lot about portals." Fred: "Not a lot. The trionic speechcraft formulation/modification has to alter the dynamic reality sphere... - Lutzbalm predicted it at Zurig in '89 -- laughed him off the stage -although this slavery and degradation's no laughing matter...(laughs) ... it's no Crug-grain and Kalla berry breakfast all right." After beat Wes and Gunn turn to look at Angel. Angel: "She's been here a while. - Guys, ah, I have some bad news about Lorne." Rebel: "Ah, we captured this warrior of the Deathwok clan." They turn to see Landok dragging two rebels into camp by their necks, then push them into the dirt. They guys walk over to meet Landok, Fred doing her best to hide behind Angel. Angel: "Landok." Landok: "Angel, the drokken killer. I will not battle you for saving the slave girl's neck." Wesley throws a look over at Angel. Angel: "Good." Landok: "It is forbidden to do battle while performing a sacred duty. (Takes a basket off his shoulder) I was transporting my kinsman home - when these fools tried to stop me." Angel quietly to the guys: "I was trying to tell you. They cut off the host's head." Wesley: "What?" Gunn: "No." Landok: "Yes. I have it right here." He opens the basket and holds it out towards them. They take a few hesitant steps closer and peer down into the basket, Fred peeking out from behind Angel. Lorne's head lies in the basket, eyes closed. We get a shot of the four of them as if we were looking up at them from inside the basket. Angel: "He was..." Gunn: "Yeah." Wesley: "Hmm." Lorne's eyes pop open: "That's it?" Angel, Gunn and Wes all recoil with a scream, leaving Fred the only one still framed by the rim of the basket, peering down - completely unmoved. Lorne: "Where is the praising and extolling of my virtues? Where's the love?" The round circle of the basket rim blends into a shot of the full moon up in the night sky. Wesley is sitting in front of a fire, leaning on an unsheathed sword. Gunn: "I'm only gonna say this once. The guys you send to create those diversions are gonna die." Wesley after a beat: "Yes they are. (Gets up and looks at Gunn) You try not to get anybody killed you wind up getting everybody killed. (To the camp) Get ready to move out." Angel: "What do you want me to do?" Wesley: "Go to the village. Call out the groosalug - and kill him." Angel: "Kill their undefeated champion. - I can't do that without turning into the beast." Wesley: "I know." Angel looks around for a moment then takes a step closer to Wes. Angel: "Look, when I fired you guys the reason I... Darkness was coming out in me. I didn't want you near it. - The thing that comes out here is ten times worse. - Wes. - I do this - you know I won't come back from it." Wesley: "Yes, you will. I know you. (Glances over at Gunn) We know you. We know you're a man with a demon inside - not the other way around. We know you have the strength to do what needs to be done, and you will come back to us." Angel and Wes look at each other for a long moment. Fred: "I could go with you. I know how to prepare the challenge torch." Wesley puts a hand on Angel's shoulder. Wesley: "You'll come back." Angel looks over at Gunn, whose face remains expressionless, then he and Fred leave. Gunn to Wes: "You really think he'll come back?" Wesley turning to leave: "I need him to think it." Gunn stares after Wesley. Cordy is reclining on a lounger, eyes closed, with Groo sitting on the edge of it. Groo: "What can I get you princess?" Cordy: "Nothing. - Just don't leave! - And whatever you do, don't fight a big, ugly, pointy demon with green skin - I saw what he'll do to you." The door opens and Silas comes in, followed by a couple more priests. Silas: "Good. I see we're progressing towards mating. Let's get on with it." Cordy: "Huh? What about the wedding?" Silas: "I tire of waiting. Do it!" Cordy gets up: "With you guys standing around? I don't think so!" Silas stepping closer: "Then I'll encourage you." Another priest enters: "My lord! There is something in the village you will want to see." The priests walk over to a window and look out. Angel, trailed by Fred, is entering the village square, carrying a burning triple-torch. Angel steps up on the podium and plants the torch in a holder there. Angel: "I challenge the groosalug to mortal combat." Angel glances back at Fred, who was mouthing the words along with him. Fred gives him two thumbs up. Angel: "Come out and face me you spineless coward!" Fred: "Uh! Why'd you add that coward thing? That's really gonna piss him off." Fred goes to hide behind a market stand. Cordy: "What is going on? Who's yelling." Silas to Groo: "You have been challenged. You must fight." Cordy: "What? No! No fighting. I had a vision, he can't fight!" Silas: "The honor of the kingdom is at stake." Cordy: "Will you listen to me?!" Silas: "Silence!" Groo turns to follow Silas out of the room. Cordy: "No! Don't do it, please. Don't do it! Groo, no! No! No!" The priest shut the doors behind them. Groo looks out the window at the challenge torch. Groo: "Who calls me out?" Silas: "Do you love your princess?" Groo: "More than I thought possible." Silas: "If this filth should win - he will ravage - and he will defile her. - He will use her for his pleasure again - and again. - And when she has no more screaming in her - he will kill her." Groo: "He will not! He will die!" We look out through some bushes at the guards in front of one of the castle gates. A voice rings out. "The groosalug has been challenged. He will fight the challenger in the village square!" Wesley watches as some of the guards run off, then moves deeper into the bushes where the rest of the rebels are waiting. He gives some hand signals and some of the rebels move off. A few moments later voices ring out again. "Rebels at the south gate!" A few more guards run off. "Rebels at the north wall!" Wesley crouches down next to Bartok and looks at him. Bartok looks from Wesley to the guards left in front of the gate, then rises and charges yelling: "Death to the state! - Death to the state!" Two more rebels follow him to engage the remaining guards as Wesley looks down to the ground. Then signals for the others to follow him. Gunn throws a grappling hook up over the wall and begins to scale it. Two rebels charge the gate with a battering ram. One of the rebels fighting the guards lets out a scream as a sword slices across his stomach. The groosalug arrives at the village square in a chariot, takes off his gloves, walks up on the podium and holds his hand into the flames of the torch. Angel: "This guy - he doesn't feel pain?" Fred: "Oh, he-he feels it, but - he's the groosalug. He overcomes all things. - Good luck." Ducks down behind an empty market stand. Groo: "You will die, barbarian!" Groo walks over to a rack to pick up an ax and a club and goes to attack Angel, who barely manages to get a few kicks and hits in between the ones he receives from Groo. Angel is hit hard in the stomach and flies backwards onto the ground. Groo follows up with a downward swing of his ax. Break (of course) Angel manages to avoid the ax, get back to his feet and attack Groo in return, but soon gets kicked through the air again. The flies through the tarp of the market stand Fred is hiding behind and lands on the ground not far from her. Fred: "You can't hold back! You'll die!" Angel: "Not holding back - holding on." Silas is walking down a corridor. A priest hurries up behind him. Priest: "My lord, rebels have breached the castle!" Wes, Gunn a couple of rebels are coming up another corridor. Wesley: "It's Silas. Stop him." They charge at Silas but are intercepted by some palace guards as Silas and the other priest hurry away down the corridor. Guard: "There they are!" A nicely choreographed sword-fight sequence follows during which the outnumbered infiltrators eventually finish off the guards. Cordy is pacing in the priest's chambers, wearing a dark red cloak over her princess outfit. Silas comes in and Cordy hurries over to him. Cordy: "Oh, there you are. Please, I had a vision. The beast is gonna kill him. You have to stop it!" Silas hits her hard across the face sending her reeling to the ground. Silas: "This is all your fault! (Grabs her by the throat and pulls her up to face him) You think you can destroy our way of life? Think again! I will kill every cow in the world before I allow that to happen. (Pulls the cloth off the killing device) Everyone of you." Pushes her away. Cordy crashes against a bookcase and drops to the floor. Groo and Angel are still fighting in the square, with Angel barely holding his own. Groo kicks Angel back to the ground next to some posts. Angel comes back up with a sturdy stick in his hand, but before he can use it, Groo whips out one of those things the old demon man used to capture Cordy. It winds itself around the wrist of Angel's right hand, tying it tightly against one of the posts, and causing him to drop the stick. Groo walks up and starts to bludgeon Angel with his cudgel. Groo: "You would defile her! You animal!" Groo keeps pounding on Angel. Fred hides her face behind her hand. Angel is hanging by his right wrist, still tethered firmly against the post, and Groo lowers his cudgel. Angel slowly lifts his head to look at him - and morphs into the Angel-beast. The guards' horses rear, almost unseating them. Groo swings the cudgel but the Angel-beast catches it in its left hand, then tosses Groo across the square before ripping its right hand free. Groo barely manages to get to his feet before the beast pounces on him in one incredible leap. Cordy is swaying in front the bookcase, her head lowered. Silas' hand is hovering over the killing device. Wes, followed by Gunn, Bartok and Sasha come charging in. Silas: "You're a little late." Wesley lowers his sword, hands it to Sasha and holds up his hand without ever taking his eyes off Silas. Wesley: "Stand down. (To Silas) You don't have to do this." Silas: "I don't have to - but I'm going to. (Cordy slowly straightens up behind him) And you and your filthy cow-princess can go straight..." Cordy swings the sword she has picked up as hard as she can and Silas' head goes flying off his neck. Cordy: "Your cow-princess is tired of hearing you yak, padre." Gunn: "Nice going." Cordy: "These guys stay dead without a head?" Sasha: "Oh yeah." Cordy: "Good. We need to get back to the village now! The groosalug is facing a terrible beast, I saw it." Wesley: "Actually the beast he's facing is Angel." Groo is getting mauled, barely managing to keep the beast away from his throat as the two of them roll around in the dirt. The beast pins him down and Groo squeezes his eyes shut, awaiting the inevitable. The beast pulls its clawed hand off Groo's face and Groo opens his eyes to look up at Angel, back in his human face. Angel: "We're not gonna do this. We're gonna find another way." Angel backs off from Groo. Angel: "I'm not an animal." Cordy: "Stop!" Groo sits up and punches Angel hard into the stomach sending him reeling back. Cordy: "Stop the fight! Stop!" Angel: "Alright. What part of me being all noble here - didn't get through?" Cordy runs up between them. Cordy: "Stop. Stop the fight. Don't hurt him. Stop. (Looks at Groo) I love him. I love him." Angel: "You love me?" Cordy frowns at Angel: "Not you, dumb ass. Him! I love him!" Cordy gives Groo a quick hug. Angel: "Oh." Cordy: "Lay down your weapons! Silas is dead. All priests have been defeated. Any guard who harms a human from this day forth shall have to answer to me!" Angel: "She loves me, too, right?" Cordy hugs Groo again: "Are you okay? - Did he hurt you?" Angel: "As a friend and co-worker." Cordy: "Can I get some medical attention around here, people?" Angel: "Maybe love is too strong a term." The double Pylean suns are blazing up in the sky. Lorne walks out of a room at his mom's farm twisting his neck to where Angel is waiting for him Lorne: "Good as new - though I seem to have put on about a hundred and fifty eight pounds." Angel: "You look great. Love the trousers." Lorne: "Yeah. It's been a thrill, mom. See you in a millenium or three." Angel catches a hold of Lorne's arm to stop him from just walking out. Angel quietly: "Hey. Isn't there something you wanna say to your mother?" Lorne: "Hmm, may you burn in Tarkna?" Angel: "Come on. She's not that bad. I mean, she didn't store your body on top of the maggot pile like you thought she would, now did she?" Lorne turns to face his mom: "Bye mom. Thanks for storing my body on the lice pile instead of the maggot heap." Angel does a slight double take as Lorne turns away, scratching his side. Mom: "I thought you were lost to us forever. (Sniffs. Lorne turns back to face her) But you came back. You came back. (A slight smile starts to play over Lorne's face) The runt of my loins came back after raining such misery upon our lives (Lorne's smile fades) and managed to shame up even further!" Mom spits upon Lorne and Angel claps a hand on him. Angel: "Alright then. We'll just be..." Mom: "Who's supposed to do our labor now that your cow-friend has freed the slaves? You know what they call me - at the hall of Drink and Chance? - Mother of the vile excrement!" Angel: "Be sure to keep in touch." Angel pulls Lorne towards the door. Mom: "Go on, misfit! Back to your world where no one knows his place!" Angel and Lorne walk down the outside steps. Mom: "May you rot in Tarkna!" Mom slams the door shut behind them. Angel: "Every family's got its problems." Mom muffled: "Numfar, do the dance of shame." We hear some shuffling and clomping coming from the house behind them. Angel: "Yours more than most." Lorne: "My psychic friend told me I had to come back here. I didn't believe her. Then I realized I did have to come back here, because - I really always thought I had to come back here, deep down inside, you know? I had to come back here to find out I didn't have to come back here. I don't belong here. I hate it here. You know where I belong? LA. You know why? Nobody belongs there. It's the perfect place for guys like us." Angel nods his head, a slight smile on his face. Angel: "That's kind of beautiful." The start walking down the path leading away from the farm. Lorne: "Ain't it? I'm very moved, if I do say so myself." Angel claps him on the back: "Please do." Lorne: "You know, I feel a song coming on." Angel: "Yeah, I thought you might." Lorne singing: "Somewhere over the rainbow..." Two guys that were doing something at the side of the road further down, clap their hands over their ears and sink to the ground, groaning. Lorne: "...way up high..." Cordy is pacing in front of her throne, holding an ax in her hands. Groo stands behind her. There are human servants present, none wearing a collar, and a priest. Cordy: "I have a vision. Actually I have two visions, and in one of them you get to keep your head." Priest: "How may I be of service your majesty?" Cordy: "Take a memo. (A girls hands him a parchment and quill) As it is now written - all citizens are created equal. Slavery and religious persecution are outlawed." Cordy swings the ax. The priest jumps as the ax shatters the killing device. Wes, Fred, and Gunn come hurrying in, each one holding one of the Wolf, Ram and Hart books. Wesley: "I think we did it." Fred: "I-I was opening portals but I couldn't tell where. You-you need the priests' formulas to figure that out on this side." Cordy: "So we can go home!" Gunn holding up the book: "All we have to do is take these to Angel's car and have her say the words." Priest: "Those are sacred books! (Cordy looks at him) Which you should have - as a small memento." Cordy walks up to Groo. Cordy: "You're in charge now. You got a long road ahead. (Leads him up the steps to the throne) Slavery has ended but - reconstruction has just begun." Groo: "What is this - recon-struction?" Cordy: "Gunn, you wanna field this?" Gunn: " It means - sayin' people are free don't make 'em free. - You got - races that hate each other, you got some folks gettin' work they don't want, - others losin' the little they had. - You're lookin' at social confusion, economic depression and probably - some riots. - Good luck." Cordy: "You'll do fine." Groo: "It worries me - but - not as much as... (Takes her hands) Do you have to go, majesty?" Cordy: "I don't want to. I'm really gonna miss your eyes - and the majesty thing - but-but I have a job to do back home. - It was really fun being your princess." Cordy takes Groo's face between her hands and they kiss. Wes and Gunn look down, but Fred watches, a big smile spreading across her face. Cordy finishes the kiss, patting Groo on the cheek. He picks up her cloak and drapes it over her shoulders. Groo: "God speed, princess." Cordy: "Bye Groo." Tying the strings of her cloak Cordy walks down the steps and across the room towards the others, smiling as the people on both sides of the aisle bow and say 'your majesty.' The others fall in behind her as they walk out. Wesley: "Should people be bowing in a free society?" Cordy: "These things take time." A slight wind tinkles the glasses in a deserted Caritas. The curtain behind the stage starts to billow. White spots of light appear and coalesce to form a portal. Angel's convertible comes barreling through with Angel, Cordy and Wes in the front, Gunn, Fred and Lorne in the back, all of them screaming. Angel manages to stop the car as it rams into the bar after crashing through the tables in front of the stage. Lorne: "You know I've been thinking about remodeling the bar. - Who's up for a nightcap?" They all get up out of the car. Hyperion, night. Cordy, Fred and the guys are entering the garden court. Fred: "Are-are you sure about that?" Cordy: "Trust me. Tacos everywhere - and - soap!" Gunn: "Yo, that portal jumping is a fun ride. We sell it to a theme park we could get paid!" Angel pushes to the front as the get to the doors leading into the hotel itself. Angel smiling: "Okay. Can I say it? I wanna say it." Wesley: "Say what?" Angel pushes the double doors open, walking into the lobby. Angel: "There's no place like..." Trails off as he sees Willow sitting hunched up on one of the chairs in the lobby. Angel's smile vanishes as Willow looks up at him. Angel: "Willow?" Cordy: "What's..?" Willow slowly gets up, never taking her eyes of Angel. Angel quietly: "It's Buffy."	Plan: A: Team Angel; Q: Who is desperate to escape Pylea? A: Angel; Q: Who has to overcome the demon inside of him? A: the rebel forces; Q: What group did Wes and Gunn join? A: Cordy; Q: Who tries to save Lorne? A: Lorne; Q: Who did Cordy try to save in the season two finale? A: their individual problems; Q: What do the team members have to overcome to get back to LA? Summary: The season two finale has Team Angel desperate to escape Pylea. Wes and Gunn join up with the rebel forces, Cordy tries to save Lorne, and Angel has to overcome the demon inside of him. If they're ever going to get back to LA, they're going to have to overcome their individual problems and work together as a team.
1.01 - Pilot OPEN IN STARS HOLLOW [Lorelai walks down the sidewalk. She passes a sign that says "Stars Hollow Founded 1779" and crosses the street. She goes into Luke's Diner. Inside, she takes off her coat and picks up an empty mug from a table, then walks up to the counter] LORELAI: Please, Luke. Please, please, please. LUKE: How many cups have you had this morning? LORELAI: None. LUKE: Plus... LORELAI: Five, but yours is better. LUKE: You have a problem. LORELAI: Yes, I do. [Luke fills her cup] LUKE: Junkie. LORELAI: Angel. You've got wings, baby. [The phone rings as Lorelai goes back to her table. Luke answers it.] LUKE: Luke's. [pause] Yeah. [A young guy seated at the counter turns and watches Lorelai sip her coffee, then gets up and approaches her.] JOEY: You make that look really good. LORELAI: Oh, it is really good. It's the best coffee in town. JOEY: Oh yeah? I'll have to get a cup. LORELAI: Good plan. JOEY: Yeah, I've never been here before. Just, uh, passing through on my way to Hartford. LORELAI: You're a regular Jack Kerouac. JOEY: Yeah. LORELAI: Yeah. JOEY: Hey, you mind if I sit down? LORELAI: Oh, you know what? Actually, I'm meeting someone so I. . . [Joey sits down at her table] JOEY: I'm Joey. LORELAI: Okay. JOEY: What, you don't have a name? LORELAI: No, I do have a name. I just, I'm really meeting someone, so. . . JOEY: So I guess I should get going. LORELAI: So soon? JOEY: What? LORELAI: I'm just screwing with your mind, Joey. It's nice to meet you. Enjoy Hartford. JOEY: Enjoy your coffee, mystery woman. LORELAI: Hm. I like that. [As Joey goes back to the counter, Rory walks in and sits across from Lorelai.] RORY: Hey. It's freezing. LORELAI: Oh, what do you need? Hot tea, coffee? RORY: Lip gloss. LORELAI: Aha. [Lorelai pulls a makeup bag out of her purse.] LORELAI: I have vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, and toasted marshmallow. RORY: Anything in there not resembling a breakfast cereal? LORELAI: Yes. [Lorelai pulls out another bag.] LORELAI: It has no smell but it changes colors with your mood. RORY: God, RuPaul doesn't need this much makeup. LORELAI: Wow, you're crabby. RORY: I'm sorry. I lost my Macy Gray CD and I need caffeine. LORELAI: Ooh, I have your CD. [pulls the CD out of her purse] RORY: Thief. LORELAI: Sorry, and I will get you some coffee. [Lorelai picks up another coffee cup and goes back to the counter. Luke gives her a look.] LORELAI: What? It's not for me. It's for Rory, I swear. LUKE: You're shameless. [Behind Lorelai, Joey approaches Rory's table.] LORELAI: Look, Officer Krupke. She's right at that table, right over there. [Lorelai turns to point to Rory and sees Joey talking to her. Luke fills the coffee cup.] LORELAI: Ah. He's got quite a pair, this guy. [Lorelai takes the cup.] Thanks. [Lorelai goes back to the table.] JOEY: [to Rory] Yeah, I've never been through here before. LORELAI: Oh, you have, too. JOEY: Oh, hi. LORELAI: Oh, hi. You really like my table, don't you? JOEY: I was just, uh. . . LORELAI: Getting to know my daughter. JOEY: Your. . . RORY: Are you my new daddy? JOEY: Wow. You do not look old enough to have a daughter. No, I mean it. And you do not look like a daughter. LORELAI: That's possibly very sweet of you. Thanks. JOEY: So. . .daughter. You know, I am traveling with a friend. LORELAI: She's sixteen. JOEY: Bye. LORELAI: Drive safe. [Joey and his friend exit the diner.] [opening credits] CUT TO THE INDEPENDENCE INN [Lorelai walks into the lobby and hands a key to a bellboy.] LORELAI: Oh, here you go. BELLBOY: Thanks. [Lorelai walks to the front desk, where Michel is on the phone and sorting mail] MICHEL: Independence Inn, Michel speaking. [pause] No, I'm sorry, we're completely booked. [pause] We have a wedding party here. [pause] No, there is really nothing I can do. [pause] Yes, I'm sure. [pause] Positive. [pause] No, I don't have to look ma'am, I -- [pause] Yes, of course I'll look. [Michel puts the phone down, continues to sort the mail, then picks the phone back up.] MICHEL: No, I'm sorry, we're completely booked. [Drella pushes her harp through the crowded lobby.] DRELLA: Oh, no, don't move. Just ignore the tiny woman pushing the 200-pound instrument around. No, this is good, I like this. After this I'll, uh, bench press a piano, huh? [Drella stops behind a woman bent over tying her shoe.] Oh, that's it, lady, tie your shoe now. Yeah, don't worry, I'll wait. [Lorelai walks over to her] LORELAI: Hi, Drella, hi. I was just wondering, um, could you be, uh, nicer to the guests? DRELLA: I'm sorry. Did you not want a harp player? LORELAI: Yes, I did. DRELLA: And did you not want a great harp player? LORELAI: Yes, I did. DRELLA: Okay. I am a great harp player, and this is my great harp, okay. So if you're looking for someone to just be nice to the guests, get a harmonica player, or maybe some guy who whistles through his nose. Okay? Capisce? [Lorelai backs off and walks away. Drella goes back to pushing her harp into its place.] DRELLA: Oh, that is a great spot for a table. Decorator's a genius. [Lorelai walks back to the front desk where Michel is still on the phone] MICHEL: Madame, you have no idea how desperately I'd like to help, but see, I'd have to build a room for you myself, and I am not a man who works with his hands, so the best I can do is suggest that you please, please try for another weekend. Any weekend. [pause] Ah, good, fine, the twenty-first. Hold on, I'll look. [Michel leafs through the reservation book] No, I'm sorry, we're completely booked. [Michel looks at the phone, as apparently the woman has hung up on him] LORELAI: Has the plumber attended to room four yet? MICHEL: He was here, he did nothing, it's a hundred dollars. [Lorelai picks up the phone and dials a number.] LORELAI: Hi Marco, Lorelai. Talk to me about room four. What was wrong with it? [Rory comes in. Lorelai kisses her hello.] LORELAI: [on phone] Uh huh. I thought you replaced that already. [pause] Well, because you told me you did and I never forget anything, so this one's on you, right? [pause] Pleasure doing business with you. [hangs up] MICHEL: What is your offspring doing? RORY: I need stamps. Can I have these? MICHEL: No. LORELAI: Take them. What's with the muumuu? [gestures to Rory's baggy sweater.] RORY: Stop. LORELAI: No, I'm just saying, you couldn't find one made of metal in case anyone has X-ray eyes? RORY: And now we say goodbye. LORELAI: Ooh, hey, have Michel look at your French paper before you go. MICHEL: Excuse me? RORY: That'd be great. MICHEL: No. RORY: Come on, Michel. I'll tell all the ladies what a stud you are. MICHEL: Hm. I believe that memo has already been sent. LORELAI: [in a French accent] Oh, please, Michel. Pretty please with sucre on top. I will stop talking like this. MICHEL: Leave it. I'll look at it if I get a chance. RORY: It's due tomorrow. And pay special attention to the grammar. [Rory leaves. Lorelai stares at Michel.] MICHEL: I despise you. CUT TO OUTSIDE [Rory and Lane are walking to school. Lane puts a Woodstock '99 shirt on over the shirt she left home in.] RORY: When are you going to let your parents know that you listen to the evil rock music? You're an American teenager, for God's sake. LANE: Rory, if my parents still get upset over the obscene portion size of American food, I seriously doubt I'm gonna make any inroads with Eminem. [The girls stop by a sign that says "Teen Hayride" so Lane can put on her jacket.] LANE: [points to sign] I have to go to that. RORY: The hayride? You're kidding. LANE: My parents set me up with the son of a business associate. He's gonna be a doctor. RORY: How old is he? LANE: Sixteen. RORY: So he's gonna be a doctor in a hundred years. LANE: Well, my parents like to plan ahead. RORY: God, you have to go to the hayride with him? LANE: And his older brother. RORY: Oh, now you're kidding. LANE: Koreans never joke about future doctors. So, I guess you're not going, huh? RORY: No, I'm still fuzzy on what's fun about sitting in the cold for two hours with a bundle of sticks up your butt. LANE: Don't expect me to clear it up for you. [Lane and Rory have arrived at school. They walk inside as a guy standing on the steps watches them.] CUT TO CLASSROOM MRS. TRAISTER: For those of you who have not finished the final chapters of Huckleberry Finn you may use this time to do so. For those of you who have, you can start on your essay now. Whichever task you choose, do it silently. [The girls around Rory pass a bottle of nail polish back and forth as Rory concentrates on writing in her notebook.] GIRL #1: Maybe it's a love letter. GIRL #2: Or her diary. GIRL #3: Could be a slam book. [Girl #4 peers over Rory's shoulder.] GIRL #4: It's the assignment. [The girls turn away, Rory smiles to herself.] CUT TO THE INDEPENDENCE INN [Drella is playing the harp. A woman stands nearby and listens.] DRELLA: Nice, huh? WOMAN: Beautiful. DRELLA: Yeah, well, tell it to the tip jar. [Lorelai and a bellboy are crossing the lobby.] LORELAI: Take Mrs. Langworthy's bags up to 314. Make sure the drapes are closed and there's extra soap and she wants her pillow mints now. [There's a crash from the kitchen. Lorelai rushes in.] LORELAI: Sookie! [Sookie is on the floor near the stove.] SOOKIE: I'm okay, I'm okay. LORELAI: What did you do now? [to Salvador] Oh, why aren't you watching her? No estabas cuidandola? SALVADOR: Eh, no, she's this - bad food in the head. LORELAI: Oh. [to Sookie] I need you to be more careful. SOOKIE: I know, I'm sorry. Hey, I fixed the peach sauce. LORELAI: That's blood, you're bleeding. Why are you bleeding? SOOKIE: Oh, my stitches opened. I was using too much maple syrup. It strangled the fruit. LORELAI: When did you get stitches? SOOKIE: Friday night. Radish roses. LORELAI: Okay, stop moving. SOOKIE: You gotta taste the sauce. You have to try it while it's still warm. LORELAI: Okay. Oh, Sookie, I need you to be more careful. I need there to be fewer accidents. SOOKIE: Yeah, yeah, yeah. [Sookie feeds Lorelai a spoonful of the sauce.] LORELAI: Oh, dear God Almighty. That's incredible! SOOKIE: I want to put it on the waffles tomorrow morning for breakfast. LORELAI: I want to take a bath in that sauce! SOOKIE: I will make more! LORELAI: Someday when we open our own inn, diabetics will line up to eat this sauce. SOOKIE: Won't that be great? LORELAI: Yeah. But the key to someday achieving that dream is for you to stay alive long enough so we can actually open an inn, you understand? SOOKIE: Yes, I understand. LORELAI: All right. So, now, let's get you up and to the doctor, on three. One-two-three. SOOKIE: Ow! LORELAI: What? SOOKIE: Stepped on my thumb. I'm fine. On three. Okay. [Lorelai and Salvador help Sookie up.] CUT TO OUTSIDE [Lane and Rory are walking home from school.] LANE: Well, was it a good color at least? RORY: It had sparkles in it. LANE: Wow. RORY: And it smelled like bubble gum when it dried. LANE: Oh, well, there's no way Mark Twain can compete with that. [Lane and Rory walk into Kim's Antiques.] LANE: [calls] Mom, we're home. [to Rory] Did you hear something? RORY: I'm not sure. LANE: [calls] Mom? Are you here? MRS. KIM: [from another room] We're open! Everything's half off! RORY: We have contact. LANE: [calls] Mom? MRS. KIM: [calls] Lane? LANE: Mom? MRS. KIM: Lane? [Lane and Mrs. Kim call to each other as Lane and Rory walk around the cluttered store trying to follow the sound of Mrs. Kim's voice.] LANE: Mom, where are you? MRS. KIM: Lane, where are you? LANE: Back here! MRS. KIM: Over here! RORY: I think she's that way. LANE: Are we closer? MRS. KIM: I'm by the table! RORY: She's kidding, right? LANE: Look, we'll meet you in the kitchen! MRS. KIM: What? RORY: The kitchen! MRS. KIM: Who's that? LANE: It's Rory, Mom. MRS. KIM: Oh. RORY: Wow, I can hear the disappointment from here. LANE: Oh, come on. Stop it. RORY: You know, it sucks that after all these years your mom still hates me. LANE: She doesn't hate you. RORY: She hates my mother. LANE: She doesn't trust unmarried women. RORY: You're unmarried. LANE: I'm hayriding with a future proctologist. I have potential. [Lane and Rory wind their way through the antique furniture and come out in the kitchen where Mrs. Kim is waiting.] MRS. KIM: Go upstairs. Tea is ready. I have muffins - no dairy, no sugar, no wheat. You have to soak them in tea to make them soft enough to bite but they're very healthy. So, how was school? None of the girls get pregnant, drop out? LANE: Not that we know of. RORY: Though come to think of it, Joanna Posner was glowing a little. MRS. KIM: What? LANE: Nothing, Mama. She's just kidding. MRS. KIM: [very seriously] Boys don't like funny girls. RORY: Noted. [A bell rings, signaling that someone has just opened the shop door.] MAN: [calls] Hello? Anybody here? MRS. KIM: [calls] We're here! We're coming! [to the girls] Have the muffins. Made from sprouted wheat. Only good 24 hours. [calls] Everything's half off! MAN: [calls] Where are you? MRS. KIM: [calls] Over here! MAN: [calls] Where? MRS. KIM: [calls] By the chair! MAN: [calls] What chair? CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN KITCHEN [Sookie is chopping vegetables. Salvador pulls Sookie's hand away from the cutting board] SALVADOR: Careful! SOOKIE: I'm okay. Peppers, peppers, peppers. SALVADOR: Mike! [As Sookie moves around the kitchen the other cooks move things out of her way and prevent disasters.] SOOKIE: Okay, hello little vegetables, come with me. I got it. Okay, where's my glaze. SALVADOR: In the counter. SOOKIE: On the counter. On, not in, not in the counter. Okay, good, all right. My sauce. Whoo, that's pretty good. Hello, a little bit of greens. Okay, okay. Hello, my little babies. You like that? A little bit of juice. Okay. You're very pretty. Okay. SALVADOR: Mike, Mike! [Mike helps Sookie reach an iron skillet; Lorelai rushes into the kitchen] LORELAI: Sookie! [Sookie turns around and lifts the hand with the skillet. She hits Salvador in the face with it and knocks him over. ] LORELAI: Ooh. It's here! It happened! She did it! SOOKIE: Okay, I'm gonna need a little bit longer sentence. LORELAI: The Chilton school. Rory got in. SOOKIE: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! LORELAI: I know. Look. [reads from a letter] "Dear Ms. Gilmore, We are happy to inform you that we have a vacancy at Chilton Preparatory starting immediately. Due to your daughter's excellent credentials and your enthusiastic pursuit of her enrollment" - I offered to do the principal to get her in - "we would be happy to accept her as soon as the first semester's tuition has been received." SOOKIE: This is very exciting! [They both giggle and hug] LORELAI: Is something burning? SOOKIE: My bangs, earlier. Go on, go on, go on. LORELAI: This is it. She can finally go to Harvard like she's always wanted and get the education that I never got and get to do all the things that I never got to do and then I can resent her for it and we can finally have a normal mother-daughter relationship. SOOKIE: Oh, good. [They giggle again. Rory walks in] RORY: Mom? LORELAI: Oh! RORY: You're happy. LORELAI: Yeah. RORY: Did you do something slutty? LORELAI: I'm not that happy. [Lorelai and Sookie giggle.] LORELAI: Here. [hands Rory a gift bag.] RORY: What's going on? LORELAI: Open it. [Rory pulls out a plaid skirt.] RORY: I'm gonna be in a Britney Spears video? SOOKIE: You're going to Chilton! Oh, sorry. RORY: Mom? LORELAI: You did it, babe. You got in. RORY: How did this happen? You didn't. . .with the principal, did you? LORELAI: No, honey, that was a joke. They have an open spot. You're gonna start on Monday. RORY: Really? LORELAI: Really. RORY: I don't believe this! Oh my God, I'm going to Chilton! LORELAI: Yeah. [Lorelai and Rory hug.] RORY: Sookie, I'm going to Chilton! [Sookie and Rory hug.] SOOKIE: I'll make cookies. Protestants love oatmeal. RORY: I have to call Lane. [Rory starts to leave then hugs Lorelai again.] RORY: I love you. LORELAI: I love you. [Rory leaves.] LORELAI: My girl's going to Chilton SOOKIE: Yeah. Rory's going to Chilton! [As Lorelai leaves, Sookie starts a little dance and begins to sing.] SOOKIE: Rory's going to Chilton! Rory's going to Chilton! Rory's going to Chilton! [Sookie tosses a dish towel over her shoulder. It lands on the stove and catches fire. Salvador covers it with a lid.] CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN LOBBY [The phone is ringing, Michel is ignoring it.] LORELAI: Michel, the phone. MICHEL: Mmhmm. It rings. LORELAI: Can you answer it? MICHEL: No. People are particularly stupid today. I can't talk to any more of them. LORELAI: You know who's really nice to talk to? The people at the unemployment agency. [Michel answers the phone.] MICHEL: Independence Inn, Michel speaking. [pause] No, I'm sorry, we're completely booked. [Lorelai opens an envelope and pulls out a letter. She reads it and gasps] CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Lorelai is walking around while on the phone.] LORELAI: I'm holding for Miss Bell. I've been trying to get a hold of her all day. [pause] Lorelai Gilmore. [pause] Hi! Oh, hi, hi. Yeah, uh, my daughter Rory has just been accepted - yay. [pause] Thank you, and, um, I got the invoice for your enrollment fee. Wow, that is a lot of zeros behind that five. [pause] Uh huh. Okay, well, I guess what I'm wondering is if you couldn't take, say, part of it now, just to get her going? [pause] Well, but she's supposed to start Monday. It just doesn't give me a lot of time to pull a bank job. [pause] Well, never mind, I was just kidding. [pause] No, a bank job is robbing a bank but -- [pause] Uh-huh. Oh, no. No, no, no. I don't want you to give up her space. I'll just -- I'll have to figure it out. [pause] Okay. No, thank you. It's been a real treat talking to you. [pause] Yeah. Bye-bye. CUT TO LORELAI'S FRONT PORCH [It's nighttime. Lorelai and Sookie are talking on the porch.] LORELAI: What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? SOOKIE: You can have anything I own. My car! Sell my car. LORELAI: Oh, sweetie, no one wants your car. SOOKIE: Yeah. LORELAI: There's something I haven't thought of, I know there is. There's something out there staring me right in the face. I just. . .I haven't seen it. SOOKIE: You know, you might consider calling your par-- LORELAI: No. SOOKIE: But I don't think you have a -- LORELAI: Stop. SOOKIE: You can at least go and -- LORELAI: Uh. SOOKIE: Okay, can I say one more thing? I think it's your only option. LORELAI: Sookie, there are several chapters from a Stephen King novel I'd reenact before I'd resort to that option. SOOKIE: Okay, dropped. Dropped. LORELAI: Thank you. [Rory comes outside in her Chilton skirt, which is too big on her.] RORY: Mom? So what do you think? SOOKIE: [enthusiastically] Wow, it makes you look smart! RORY: Okay, no more wine for you. Mom? LORELAI: You look like you were swallowed by a kilt. RORY: Fine, you can hem it. A little. LORELAI: Ooh. RORY: Only a little. LORELAI: Okay. Or I could hem it a lot. RORY: No, you're not. I don't want it to be too short. [They all walk inside.] RORY: I can't believe tomorrow's my last day at Stars Hollow High. LORELAI: I know. RORY: Today I was so excited I dressed for gym. LORELAI: You're kidding! RORY: And I played volleyball. LORELAI: With other people? RORY: And I learned that all this time I was avoiding group sports? LORELAI: Yeah? RORY: Was very smart because I suck at them. [Lorelai begins to pin up the skirt.] LORELAI: Well, yeah, you got that from me. SOOKIE: Where's your paté? LORELAI: At Zsa Zsa Gabor's house. SOOKIE: Right. I'm going to the store because you have nothing. You feel like duck? LORELAI: Ooh, if it's made with chicken, absolutely. SOOKIE: I'll be back. LORELAI: Bye. [Sookie leaves.] LORELAI: All right. This will give you an idea. Go see how you like it. RORY: Okay. I love being a private school girl. [Rory heads to her bedroom to check her skirt. Lorelai stares at pictures on the mantle.] CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Lorelai sits on the runner of her Jeep outside a large, imposing house] [Cut to the door opening from the inside of the house. Lorelai is standing on the porch.] LORELAI: Hi, Mom. EMILY: Lorelai, my goodness, this is a surprise. Is it Easter already? LORELAI: [laughs nervously] No, I just, uh, finished up my business class and I thought I would stop by. EMILY: To see me? LORELAI: Yes. EMILY: Well, isn't that nice. Come in. LORELAI: Thanks. [She walks inside and they walk to the living room] LORELAI: The place looks great. EMILY: It hasn't changed. LORELAI: Well, there you go. How are the girls at the bridge club? EMILY: Old. LORELAI: Well...good. [Emily and Lorelai take seats opposite each other.] EMILY: You said you were taking a business class? LORELAI: Yeah, mmhmm, yeah. I'm taking a business class at the college twice a week. I'm sure I told you. EMILY: Well, if you're sure then you must have. [long silence] Would you like some tea? LORELAI: I would love some coffee. RICHARD: [calls from another room] Emily? I'm home. EMILY: We're in here. [Richard enters the room] LORELAI: Hi, Dad. RICHARD: What is it, Christmas already? EMILY: Lorelai was taking a business class at the college today and decided to drop in to see us. RICHARD: What business class? EMILY: Well, she told us about it, dear, remember? RICHARD: No. LORELAI: Well, actually, I came here for a reason. Dad, would you mind sitting down for a minute? RICHARD: You need money. LORELAI: I have a situation. RICHARD: You need money. LORELAI: Dad, will you just please let me get this out, okay? Um, Rory has been accepted to Chilton. EMILY: Chilton? Oh, that's a wonderful school. It's only five minutes from here. LORELAI: That's right, it is. She can start as early as Monday. Um, the problem is that they want me to put down an enrollment fee plus the first semester's tuition, and I have to do that immediately or she loses her spot. RICHARD: So, you need money. LORELAI: Yeah. But it's not for me, it's for Rory. And I fully intend to pay you back every cent. I don't ask for favors, you know that. EMILY: Oh, yes, we know. RICHARD: I'll get the checkbook. LORELAI: Thank you. You have no idea. Thank you. EMILY: On one condition. LORELAI: [mumbles to herself] So close. EMILY: Since we are now financially involved in your life, I want to be actively involved in your life. LORELAI: What does that mean, Mother? EMILY: I want a weekly dinner. LORELAI: What? EMILY: Friday nights, you and Rory will have dinner here. LORELAI: Mom... EMILY: And you have to call us once a week to give us an update on her schooling and your life. That's it. That's the condition. If you agree, you'll come to dinner tomorrow night and leave here with a check. Otherwise, I'm sorry, we can't help you. LORELAI: I don't want her to know that I borrowed money from you. Can that just be between us? EMILY: Does seven o'clock work for you? LORELAI: [with a forced smile] Perfect. CUT TO STARS HOLLOW HIGH [Rory is cleaning out her locker with Lane.] RORY: And we get to wear uniforms. No more having people check you out to see what jeans you're wearing 'cause everyone's dressed alike in boring clothes and just there to learn. LANE: Okay, there's academic-minded and then there's Amish. [They start walking down the hallway. Rory is carrying a box full of books and papers.] RORY: Funny. LANE: Thank you! So I told my mom you're changing schools. RORY: Was she thrilled? LANE: The party's on Friday. I gotta go. I have to have a pre-hayride cup of tea with a future doctor. How do I look? Korean? RORY: Spitting image. LANE: Good. Bye. RORY: Bye. [Lane leaves. Rory drops a book and some papers. As she bends down to pick them up, she turns and sees a guy standing right beside her. It's the same guy who watched her and Lane walk into the school a few days earlier.] RORY: God! You're like Ruth Gordon just standing there with a tannis root. Make a noise. DEAN: Rosemary's Baby. RORY: Yeah. DEAN: Well, that's a great movie. You've got good taste. [silence] Are you moving? RORY: No, just my books are. DEAN: My family just moved here from Chicago. RORY: Chicago. Windy. Oprah. DEAN: Yeah. Yeah, that's the place. I'm Dean. RORY: Hi. [silence] Oh, Rory. Me. That's -- that's me. DEAN: Rory. RORY: Well, Lorelai technically. DEAN: Lorelai. I like that. RORY: It's my mother's name, too. She named me after herself. She was lying in the hospital thinking about how men name boys after themselves all the time, you know, so why couldn't women? She says her feminism just kind of took over. Though personally I think a lot of Demerol also went into that decision. I never talk this much. DEAN: Well, I better go. RORY: Oh, sure. DEAN: I have to go look for a job. RORY: Okay, good. [Dean starts to leave.] RORY: You should check with Miss Patty. DEAN: [turns back] What? RORY: About the job. You should check with Miss Patty. She teaches dance. She was actually on Broadway once. DEAN: I. . .I don't really dance much. RORY: No, no, she just kind of knows everything that's going on in town. She'll know if someone's looking. DEAN: Oh, great. Uh, thanks. Hey, what are you doing now? RORY: Nothing...much. I should throw this away at some point. DEAN: Well, maybe you could show me where this Miss Patty's place is. RORY: Yeah, I guess so. I really don't have anything important to. . .let's go. [They walk out of the school and down the street. Dean carries Rory's box of books for her.] DEAN: So, have you lived here all your life? RORY: Yes. Well, pretty much. I was actually born in Hartford. DEAN: Well, that's not far. RORY: Thirty minutes with no traffic. DEAN: Really? RORY: I timed it. DEAN: Okay, then. [They walk past the bakery] RORY: So, do you like cake? DEAN: What? RORY: They make really good cakes here. They're very...round. DEAN: Okay, I'll remember that. RORY: Good. Make a note. You wouldn't want to forget where the round cakes are. DEAN: So, how are you liking Moby Dick? RORY: Oh, it's really good. DEAN: Yeah? RORY: Yeah, it's my first Melville. DEAN: Cool. RORY: I mean, I know it's kind of cliché to pick Moby Dick as your first Melville but. . .hey, how did you know I was reading Moby Dick? DEAN: Uh, well, I've been watching you. RORY: Watching me? DEAN: I mean, not in a creepy, like, "I'm watching you" sort of way. I just -- I've noticed you. RORY: Me? DEAN: Yeah. RORY: When? DEAN: Every day. After school you come out and you sit under that tree there and you read. Last week it was Madame Bovary. This week it's Moby Dick. RORY: But why would you -- DEAN: Because you're nice to look at, and because you've got unbelievable concentration. RORY: What? DEAN: Last Friday these two guys were tossing around a ball and one guy nailed the other right in the face. I mean, it was a mess, blood everywhere, the nurse came out, the place was in chaos, his girlfriend was all freaking out, and you just sat there and read. I mean, you never even looked up. I thought, "I have never seen anyone read so intensely before in my entire life. I have to meet that girl." RORY: Maybe I just didn't look up because I'm unbelievably self-centered. DEAN: Maybe, but I doubt it. [They smile at each other.] RORY: So, did I ask if you like cake? DEAN: Yeah, you did. RORY: Oh. 'Cause they have really good cake back there. [SCENE_BREAK] CUT TO LUKE'S DINER [Rory and Lorelai are sitting quietly at a table.] LORELAI: So, you were late getting home tonight. RORY: Yeah, I went to the library. LORELAI: Oh. Oh, I forgot to tell you, we're having dinner with your grandparents tomorrow night. RORY: We are? LORELAI: Mmhmm. RORY: But it's September. LORELAI: So? RORY: So what holiday's in September? LORELAI: Look, it's not a holiday thing. It's just dinner, okay? RORY: Fine, sorry. [Luke brings their main courses to the table.] LUKE: Red meat can kill you. Enjoy. [leaves] LORELAI: So, I finished hemming your skirt today. [no answer] A grunt of acknowledgment might be nice. RORY: I don't understand why we're going to dinner tomorrow night. I mean, what if I had plans? You didn't even ask me. LORELAI: Well, if you had plans I would have known. RORY: How? LORELAI: Well, you would have told me. RORY: I don't tell you everything. I have my own things. LORELAI: Fine, you have things. RORY: That's right. I have things. LORELAI: Hey, I had dibs on being the bitch tonight. RORY: Just tonight? LORELAI: What the hell is wrong with you? RORY: I'm not sure I want to go to Chilton. LORELAI: What? RORY: The timing is just really bad. LORELAI: The timing is bad? RORY: And the bus ride to and from Hartford, it's like thirty minutes each way. LORELAI: I can't believe what I'm hearing. RORY: Plus, I don't think we should be spending that money right now. I mean, I know Chilton's got to be costing you a lot. LORELAI: Oh, you have no idea. RORY: All of your money should be going toward buying an inn with Sookie. LORELAI: What about college? What about Harvard? RORY: We don't know that I can't get into Harvard if I stay where I am. LORELAI: Okay, enough. Enough of the crazy talk, okay? I appreciate your concern but I have this covered. RORY: I still don't want to go. LORELAI: Why? RORY: Because I don't. LORELAI: I have to get out of here. [Lorelai stands up and starts to leave.] RORY: We have to pay first. [Lorelai drops some money on the table. They walk out of the diner and start walking down the street. The hayride wagon passes by them, with a glum Lane sandwiched between two Korean boys on the back. Miss Patty stands in the doorway of her dance studio watching over a class of little girls.] MISS PATTY: One-two-three. One-two-three. One-two-three. It's a waltz, ladies. Susie, do you have to tinkle? Then uncross your legs, darling. [sees Rory] Oh, Rory, good. I think I found a job for your male friend. LORELAI: What male friend? MISS PATTY: They need a stock boy at the supermarket. I already talked to Taylor Doose about him. You just send him around tomorrow. RORY: Okay, thanks. LORELAI: What male friend? MISS PATTY: Oh ,he's very cute. You have good taste. [Miss Patty turns back to her dance class.] MISS PATTY: Hands in the air, not in the nose. [Rory starts walking quickly down the street, and Lorelai follows her.] LORELAI: Oh, you're gonna have to walk faster than that. You're gonna have to turn into friggin' Flo Jo to get away from me. CUT TO LORELAI'S HOUSE [Rory enters and slams the front door. Lorelai follows her inside.] LORELAI: This is about a boy, of course. I can't believe I didn't see it. All this talk about money and bus rides. You got a thing going with a guy and you don't want to leave school. RORY: I'm going to bed. LORELAI: God, I'm so dense. That should have been my first thought. After all, you're me. RORY: I'm not you. LORELAI: Really? Someone willing to throw important life experiences out the window to be with a guy. It sounds like me to me. RORY: Whatever. LORELAI: So who is he? RORY: There's no guy! LORELAI: Dark hair, romantic eyes? Looks a little dangerous? RORY: This conversation is over. LORELAI: Tattoos are good, too! RORY: I don't want to change schools because of all the reasons I've already told you a thousand times. If you don't want to believe me, that's fine. Goodnight. [goes to her bedroom] LORELAI: Does he have a motorcycle? 'Cause if you're gonna throw your life away, he better have a motorcycle! [Lorelai walks into Rory's bedroom] LORELAI: Well, I think that went pretty well, don't you? RORY: Thanks for the knock. LORELAI: Listen, can we just start all over, okay? You tell me all about the guy and I promise not to let my head explode, huh? Rory, please talk to me. [silence] Okay, I'll talk. Don't get me wrong. Guys are great. I am a huge fan of guys. You don't get knocked up at sixteen being indifferent to guys. But, babe, guys are always going to be there. This school isn't. It's more important. It has to be more important. RORY: I'm going to sleep. LORELAI: Rory. You've always been the sensible one in this house, huh? I need you to remember that feeling now. You will kick your own butt later if you blow this. RORY: Well, it's my butt. LORELAI: Good comeback. RORY: Thank you. LORELAI: You're welcome. Rory, come on. RORY: I don't want to talk about this. Could you please, please just leave me alone? LORELAI: Okay, fine. We always had a democracy in this house. We never did anything unless we both agreed. But now I guess I'm going to have to play the mom card. You are going to Chilton whether you want to or not. Monday morning, you will be there, end of story. RORY: We'll see. LORELAI: Yeah, we will. [Lorelai slams the door on her way out. Rory turns on her CD player. Macy Gray's I Try plays. Lorelai goes to the living room and turns on the same song.] CUT TO INDEPENDENCE INN KITCHEN [There is smoke coming out of the broken stove as some workers start to remove it. Sookie sits sadly at the counter.] SOOKIE: I swear I don't know what happened. LORELAI: It's not important. SOOKIE: I made that dish a hundred times. It never exploded. LORELAI: Please, forget it. SOOKIE: Oh, God, I killed a Viking. Oh, you should fire me, or make me pay the cost of a new stove out of my paycheck. LORELAI: Well, whatever you want. SOOKIE: I can't afford a new stove! Those things are expensive. LORELAI: Sookie, please, I am begging you, pull yourself together, okay? I got no sleep last night and I think I put my contacts in backwards. SOOKIE: Rory's still mad at you, huh? LORELAI: Hey, I'm not so crazy about her either. SOOKIE: It was a fight. Mothers and daughters fight. LORELAI: No, we don't fight. We never fight. [Michel walks in] MICHEL: You told me to tell you when your daughter arrived. Well, she's here and she's sitting in my chair. LORELAI: [to Sookie] Hold on just a minute. [Lorelai leaves] MICHEL: And you are the one left standing. That is a funny, funny thing, no? [In the lobby, Lorelai walks up to Rory at the front desk] LORELAI: Hey, no muumuu today. You know what's weird, I kind of miss it. RORY: You left me a note to meet you here. LORELAI: Yeah, I thought you might want to work a couple hours, make a little extra cash. RORY: Fine. LORELAI: Aw, you're not gonna give me the "Mommy Dearest" treatment forever, are ya? RORY: You wanted me here, I'm here. Should I do something or what? LORELAI: Yeah, go home. Dinner's at seven. Be ready to go. RORY: Fine. LORELAI: Fine. [Rory leaves. Michel walks over and sits in his chair.] MICHEL: Ah, my chair. CUT TO ELDER GILMORE RESIDENCE [Lorelai and Rory stand on the front porch staring at the door] RORY: So, do we go in or do we just stand here reenacting The Little Match Girl? LORELAI: Okay, look, I know you and me are having a thing here and I know you hate me but I need you to be civil, at least through dinner and then on the way home you can pull a Menendez. Deal? RORY: Fine. [Lorelai rings the doorbell. Emily opens the door.] RORY: Hi, Grandma. EMILY: Well, you're right on time. LORELAI: Yeah, yeah, no traffic at all. [they walk inside] EMILY: I can't tell you what a treat it is to have you girls here. LORELAI: Oh, well, we're excited, too. EMILY: Is that a collector's cup or can I throw it away for you? LORELAI: Oh. [Lorelai starts to toss her empty coffee cup into a nearby wastebasket.] EMILY: In the kitchen, please. [to Rory] So, I want to hear all about Chilton. RORY: Well, I haven't actually started yet. [As Rory and Emily walk away, Lorelai drops the cup into the wastebasket. Cut to the living room, where Richard is reading a newspaper. Rory and Emily walk in] EMILY: Richard, look who's here. RICHARD: Rory. You're tall. RORY: I guess. RICHARD: Well, what's your height? RORY: 5'7". RICHARD: That's tall. She's tall. [Lorelai enters] LORELAI: Hi, Dad. RICHARD: Lorelai, your daughter's tall. LORELAI: Oh, I know. It's freakish. We're thinking of having her studied at M.I.T. RICHARD: Ah. [he returns to reading his paper.] EMILY: Champagne, anyone? LORELAI: Oh, that's fancy. EMILY: Well, it's not every day that I have my girls here for dinner on a day the banks are open. A toast - to Rory entering Chilton and an exciting new phase in her life. RICHARD: Here, here. EMILY: Mmm. Well, let's sit everyone. This is just wonderful. An education is the most important thing in the world, next to family. LORELAI: And pie. [silence] Joke, joke. EMILY: Ah. [There is a long silence. Richard hands Rory a section of the newspaper.] CUT TO THE DINING ROOM [Later that night, they're all sitting at the table eating dinner] EMILY: Rory, how do you like the lamb? RORY: It's good. EMILY: Too dry? RORY: No, it's perfect. LORELAI: Potatoes could use a little salt, though. EMILY: Excuse me? RORY: So, Grandpa, how's the insurance biz? RICHARD: Oh, people die, we pay. People crash cars, we pay. People lose a foot, we pay. LORELAI: Well, at least you have your new slogan. RICHARD: And how are things at the motel? LORELAI: The inn? They're great. EMILY: Lorelai's the executive manager now. Isn't that wonderful? RICHARD: Speaking of which, Christopher called yesterday. LORELAI: Speaking of which? How is that a speaking of which? RICHARD: He's doing very well in California. His Internet start-up goes public next month. This could mean big things for him. [to Rory] Very talented man, your father. LORELAI: She knows. RICHARD: He always was a smart one, that boy. [to Rory] You must take after him. LORELAI: Speaking of which, I'm gonna get a Coke. Or a knife. [Lorelai storms out of the room. She goes into the kitchen and starts scrubbing a dish in the sink. The maid comes in and looks at her.] LORELAI: Hi, how are you doing? [Back at the dinner table, Rory starts to get up.] RORY: I think I'm gonna go talk to her - EMILY: No, I'll go. You stay and keep your grandfather company. [Emily enters the kitchen.] EMILY: Lorelai, come back to the table. LORELAI: Is this what it's gonna be like every Friday night? I come over and let the two of you attack me? EMILY: You're being very dramatic. LORELAI: Dramatic? Were you at that table just now? EMILY: Yes, I was, and I think you took what your father said the wrong way. LORELAI: The wrong way? How could I have taken it the wrong way? What was open to interpretation? [Richard and Rory are able to overhear Lorelai and Emily arguing.] EMILY: Keep your voice down. LORELAI: No, Mother. I can't take it anymore. Tonight just seems like a nightmare. EMILY: You're dripping all over the floor. LORLEAI: Why do you pounce on every single thing I say? EMILY: That's absurd. You barely uttered a word all night. LORELAI: That's not true. EMILY: You said pie. LORELAI: Oh, come on. EMILY: You did. All I heard you say was pie. LORELAI: Why would he bring up Christopher? Was that really necessary? EMILY: He likes Christopher. LORELAI: Isn't that interesting? Because, as I remember, when Christopher got me pregnant, Dad didn't like him so much. EMILY: Oh, well, please, you were sixteen. What were we supposed to do - throw you a party? We were disappointed. The two of you had such bright futures. LORELAI: Yes. And by not getting married we got to keep those bright futures. EMILY: When you get pregnant, you get married. A child needs a mother and a father. LORELAI: Oh, Mom. Do you think that Christopher would have his own company right now if we'd gotten married? Do you think he would be anything at all? EMILY: Yes, I do. Your father would have put him in the insurance business and you'd be living a lovely life right now. LORELAI: He didn't want to be in the insurance business and I am living a lovely life right now. EMILY: That's right, far away from us. LORELAI: Oh, here we go. EMILY: You took that girl and completely shut us out of your life. LORELAI: You wanted to control me. EMILY: You were still a child. LORELAI: I stopped being a child the minute the strip turned pink, okay? I had to figure out how to live. I found a good job. EMILY: As a maid. With all your brains and talent. LORELAI: I worked my way up. I run the place now. I built a life on my own with no help from anyone. EMILY: Yes, and think of where you would have been if you'd accepted a little help, hmm? And where Rory would have been. But no, you were always too proud to accept anything from anyone. LORELAI: Well, I wasn't too proud to come here to you two begging for money for my kid's school, was I? [Rory overhears this] EMILY: No, you certainly weren't. But you're too proud to let her know where you got it from, aren't you? Well, fine, you have your precious pride and I have my weekly dinners. Isn't that nice? We both win. [Back at the table, Richard is asleep in his chair.] CUT TO OUTSIDE [Lorelai and Rory walk out of the house. Lorelai sighs and leans against the outside wall.] RORY: Mom? LORELAI: I'm okay. I just. . .do I look shorter? 'Cause I feel shorter. RORY: Hey, how 'bout I buy you a cup of coffee? LORELAI: Oh, yeah. You drive, though, okay, 'cause I don't think my feet will reach the pedals. CUT TO STARS HOLLOW [Lorelai and Rory walk toward Luke's Diner] RORY: So, nice dinner at the grandparents' house. LORELAI: Oh, yeah, her dishes have never been cleaner. RORY: You and Grandma seemed to have a nice talk. LORELAI: How much did you hear? RORY: Not much. You know, snippets. LORELAI: Snippets? RORY: Little snippets. LORELAI: So basically everything? RORY: Basically, yes. LORELAI: Well, the best laid plans. [They walk into the diner and sit at a table] RORY: I think it was really brave of you to ask them for money. LORELAI: Oh, I so do not want to talk about it. RORY: How many meals is it gonna take 'til we're off the hook? LORELAI: I think the deli spread at my funeral will be the last one. Hey, wait, does that mean RORY: Can't let a perfectly good plaid skirt go to waste. LORELAI: Oh, honey, you won't be sorry. [Luke walks up to the table dressed in a button-down shirt] LORELAI: Wow, you look nice. Really nice. LUKE: I had a meeting earlier at the bank. They like collars. You look nice, too. LORELAI: I had a flagellation to go to. LUKE: So, what'll you have? LORELAI: Coffee, in a vat. RORY: I'll have coffee also. And chili fries. LUKE: That's quite a refined palate you got there. [Luke walks away] LORELAI: Behold the healing powers of a bath. So, tell me about the guy. RORY: You know what's really special about our relationship? The total understanding about the need for one's privacy. I mean, you really understand boundaries. LORELAI: So tell me about the guy. RORY: Mom! LORELAI: Is he dreamy? RORY: Oh, that's so Nick at Night. LORELAI: Well, I'm gonna find out anyway. RORY: Really? How? LORELAI: I'll spy. [Luke returns with their order] LUKE: Coffee. . .fries. I can't stand it. This is so unhealthy. Rory, please, put down that cup of coffee. You do not want to grow up to be like your mom. RORY: Sorry, too late. [Rory and Lorelai smile at each other. Luke walks away.] LORELAI: So tell me about the guy. RORY: Check, please. LORELAI: No, really, are you embarrassed to bring him home? RORY: I'm not embarrassed. LORELAI: Does he talk at all? RORY: No, Mom, he's a mime.	Plan: A: Rory; Q: Who decides to go to Chilton after her mother makes up with her? A: Chilton; Q: What is the name of the prep school that Rory is accepted to? A: an extremely prestigious and expensive prep school; Q: What is Chilton? A: the tuition money; Q: What does Lorelai struggle to raise for Rory to attend Chilton? A: her wealthy parents; Q: Who does Lorelai ask for a loan from? A: The elder Gilmores; Q: Who agrees to end the estrangement with Lorelai in exchange for a family dinner every Friday night? A: the money; Q: What did the Gilmores loan their daughter in exchange for an end to the estrangement? A: Friday; Q: What night of the week does Lorelai and her family have dinner at her grandparents' house? A: Dean; Q: What is the name of the new transfer student that Rory meets in her last week at Stars Hollow High School? A: her second thoughts; Q: What does Dean give Rory about attending Chilton? A: her future; Q: What do Lorelai and Rory argue about when they discover that Rory's ambivalence about Chilton is centered on a boy? A: the sacrifice; Q: What does Rory realize about her mother's decision to end the estrangement? Summary: After Rory is accepted at Chilton, an extremely prestigious and expensive prep school, Lorelai's difficulty in raising the tuition money forces her to ask her wealthy parents, from whom she is estranged, for a loan. The elder Gilmores happily loan their daughter the money in exchange for an end to the estrangement and a family dinner every Friday night. In her last week at Stars Hollow High School, Rory meets a very cute new transfer student named Dean, which gives her second thoughts about attending Chilton. When Lorelai discovers that her ambivalence about Chilton centers on a boy, they argue about her future, but after the first Friday night family dinner at her grandparents' house, Rory makes up with her mother and decides to go to Chilton after all when she realizes the sacrifice her mother has made in agreeing to end the estrangement with her grandparents.
[INT. BACKSTAGE AT A CLUB - DAY] LUCAS: (v.o) Previously on One Tree Hill. (The band manager is spreading out coke onto a glass with a blade.) MANAGER: You passed the band's test, (Holds out a rolled up dollar bill for her to inhale the drugs through.) Now you gotta pass mine. (Peyton looks at the money anxiously.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CAR - EVENING] (Keith is in a car with Jules as she takes it for a test drive.) JULES: Car salesmen are always such jerks. KEITH: I'm actually a mechanic. JULES: (Smiling) I like mechanics. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL COLLEGE - BUSINESS 101 - DAY] (Karen talks to her teacher, not knowing it's him.) KAREN: It's my first college class. ANDY: And you're taking it with Hargrove? This gut's tough. (Cut to Andy at the front of the class.) ANDY: My name's Andy Hargrove, welcome to my class. (Karen looks on stunned.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE MALL - CLOTHES STORE - EVENING] (Lucas puts his red girls shirt on the counter and adjusts his bra.) FELIX: (v.o) It's called 'Dare Night'; one night, two teams, (Shot of Tim and Nathan at a residents doorstep, holding out boxes of cookies, dressed in girl scouts uniforms.) multiple dares. (Shot of Felix talking to all of them.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - PITCHING MACHINES - EVENING] (Peyton gets hit on the head with a baseball and falls.) HALEY: (Aghast) Oh! My gosh! [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CLUB - THE STAGE - EVENING] (Mouth, Skills and Fergie stand on the stage, singing 'Baby Got Back' by Sir Mix-A-Lot.) MOUTH: (v.o) What do we win? FELIX: (v.o) A night to remember. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LOCKER ROOMS - LOCKERS - EVENING] (Tim stands by the lockers with the rest of the guys, smiling.) TIM: I'm in it to win it. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. MASSAGE AND SPA - TREATMENT ROOM - EVENING] (The masseuse rips a wax strip off of Tim's 'underneath' as he yells in pain.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE FOUNTAIN - EVENING] (Anna and Lucas are fishing for money in the wishing fountain.) ANNA: (Counting) Three dollars aaand...eighty cents. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE RESTAURANT - PHOTO BOOTH - EVENING] (Lucas pushes four quarters into the slots of the photo booth. The camera takes multiple shots of Lucas and Anna kissing.) FADE TO BLACK: OPENING CREDITS ROLL: [EXT. THE SKY - EVENING] (Shot of the waning moon and then the sky filled with tiny stars.) LUCAS: (v.o) Katherine Anne Porter once said; There seems to be a kind of order in the universe...in the movement of the stars and the turning of the Earth and the changing of the seasons. (Camera pans across the starry sky. Fade to Lucas walking up the River Walk in the morning, thinking and smiling.) But human life is almost pure chaos. Everyone takes his stance, (Lucas stops at a square of concrete filled with muddy water.) asserts his own right and feelings, mistaking the motives of others, (He pulls a bag of money out of his pocket.) and his own. (He drops all of the money into the water, takes more money out of his pocket, looks at it for a beat and flips it in too.) (Lucas smiles and looks at the cloudy sky.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. FELIX'S HOUSE - DOORSTEP - DAY] ANNA: Felix, let's get going! I don't wanna be late! (She walks down the front, stone, steps.) (Felix walks out of the front door smiling.) FELIX: Your skirt's a little short isn't it? (Anna turns and gives him a pissed off look.) I'm just looking out for you. (Points to the house.) ANNA: Can we just go? (Turns back.) FELIX: Sure, as soon as you discover pants. You know why? Because first impressions are important Anna. (She turns to him, royally annoyed.) And yours says (something Spanish.) all night. ANNA: You know what, I'll ride the bus. FELIX: (o.s) Anna OK! (She ignores him and continues walking. Brooke is leaning against her dads car, smirking.) Come on! ANNA: (o.s) NO! FELIX: (o.s) I'm just playing. (Brooke is enjoying this.) ANNA: (o.s) You're being mean! (Shot of Felix.) BROOKE: (o.s) Let me guess. (She walks up to him, giving Anna a look first.) One of your 'Friends with Benefits' hoes didn't wanna pay her deductible? FELIX: Gross, that's my sister. BROOKE: (Laughing) Wait! You mean after they had you, your parents rolled the dice and kept breeding? (Looks after Anna again.) It's risky. FELIX: (Pointing at her.) Funny! You know, I was thinking about this whole 'Friends with Benefits'. (Brooke looks questioningly.) Felix with Brooke. FWB. BROOKE: Hmm...IYFD...In Your Dreams. (Walks off-screen.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HOSPITAL - PHYSIOTHERAPY - DAY] (Dan is running on a treadmill, hooked up to machines while Deb sits and watches.) PHYSIOTHERAPIST: (Pointing at Dan.) I saw you in 87; against Williamsburg. You put up, what, thirty-five points? DAN: Thirty-seven. PHYSIOTHERAPIST: Man you were unstoppable. You play college ball? (Dan glares furiously at the therapist.) DEB: (Intervening) Uh, how long until we have the results. PHYSIOTHERAPIST: Uh, the doctor will call in a day or two but...his numbers look...(Flips open his chart.)...good for a guy who just had a heart attack. (Dan starts to struggle.) I tell you what I'm gonna put this on warm-down for you OK? (The treadmill beeps as he pushes buttons.) There, better? (Presses some more buttons.) How bout that? DAN: (Slowing down to a walk.) Good, it's good. PHYSIOTHERAPIST: Alright, hey you take your time man. (Dan nods and the therapist leaves. Deb gives him a look.) DAN: How am I supposed to pass a stress test with some orderly reminding me my best days are behind me? DEB: (Trying to make light of the situation.) (Standing) Come on, he says you're doing fine. (Hands him a towel.) DAN: Thanks. (Looking at the towel.) You must be happy; in forty-eight hours...you won't have to wait on me anymore. (Perspires and breathes erratically. He stops the machine.) Well I'm not going to put my mind on waiting for a phone call. (Steps off the treadmill and unhooks himself from the machines.) Word in the paper, there's gonna be a meteor shower this weekend. Thought maybe I'd got out and watch it from the beach house. DEB: (Hoping he isn't implying what she thinks he is.) Good for you Dan. DAN: (Looks down.) (Pause) Maybe we could watch it together. (Deb looks down sighing.) You've been with me every step of this recovery Deb. We could go out there and...I could make you dinner. Just to say thanks. That's all. (Deb looks at him. She doesn't believe him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. RECORD STORE - DAY] (Peyton walks into the record store with some flyers. Chris the shop assistant is putting new music out along the rows. Peyton enters and knocks.) CHRIS: (Without looking up.) Sorry, we're closed. PEYTON: Yeah, I know, um...(Chris looks at her.) I was just wondering if I could post this flyer on your board. (Shows it to him.) I'm...auditioning bands for a local talent night. CHRIS: (Reading) 'All-Ages' night. (Peyton nods.) Tell you what, you can post it if you take your shirt off. PEYTON: (Stunned) (Her shirt has 'Finding Emo' written across it.) Excuse me?! CHRIS: Emo's crap. Gives punk a bad name. PEYTON: You think? CHRIS: I do. PEYTON: (Insulted) Huh, well I guess those who can't do, sell records(!) you insult all your customers this way? CHRIS: Well since we're not really open, you're not really a customer. PEYTON: (Beat) Whatever, I'm going to school. (Walks to the board.) CHRIS: Don't forget your Get-Up-Kids lunchbox. PEYTON: You know, its real punk to be up at seven a.m. doing inventory. (Pins the flier up.) CHRIS: I never went to sleep. (Peyton looks at him and stabs the flier onto the board, possibly imagining his head or heart. She turns, glaring, and leaves.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. DAN SCOTT MOTORS - CAR LOT - DAY] (Keith is standing next to the new cars, on the phone.) KEITH: Hello? (Cut to Jules sitting in her house on the couch looking confused.) KEITH: (Through the phone.) Jules, its Keith. Uh...(Cut to the dealership.) (Uncertainly) Keith, you know, the guy who took you on that drive. (Cut back to Jules sitting on her couch.) JULES: (Remembering) Gotcha. KEITH: (Smiling) W-well the reason I'm calling is the uh...follow-up customer satisfaction survey. (Cut to Jules.) KEITH: (Through the phone.) On a scale of one to ten; how happy were you with the service at 'Dan Scott Motors'? JULES: (Smiling) Well the guy who helped me was nice and...kinda cute. (Cut to Keith smiling.) JULES: (Through the phone.) But he waited a whole week to call me (Cut back to Jules.) and when he did, he came up with some lame excuse about a survey. (Cut to Keith.) JULES: (Through the phone.) I'd give him a seven. KEITH: Well you think we could, uh, bump that up to an eight or a nine? Maybe over...dinner tomorrow night. JULES: Maybe if he...comes to my place and cooks for me. (Smiles.) KEITH: (Through the phone.) OK. (Keith smiles and snaps his phone shut. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - WHITEY DURHAM FIELD HOUSE - DAY] (Whitey covers one eye with a piece of paper and looks at last seasons match schedule. He covers the other eyes and does the same. Lucas knocks on the open door.) LUCAS: Hey Coach. (Enters) WHITEY: (o.s) Scott(!) LUCAS: How you feeling? WHITEY: Oh, like a school girl in springtime. (Smiling) What can I do for ya? LUCAS: Well, uh...I just wanted to talk to you about your surgery. (Whitey's smile drops.) LUCAS: (o.s) Keith had told me tha- WHITEY: (Harshly) Who gives a damn what Keith says? (Shot of Lucas' poker face.) (o.s) It's not his life. LUCAS: (Slowly) OK, uh...I-I just don't know why you're not going through with the surgery. WHITEY: (Sad and scowling.) Lucas, do you know how my wife died? (Lucas shakes his head slightly) In surgery. Like twenty thousand other people a year and I don't plan to be one of them(!) LUCAS: (Willing some patience.) Look, Coach. WHITEY: (Slams a fist on the table and gets up angrily.) No, you look! We are not in season, there's no practice. Now I want you to turn around and get out of my office and mind your own damn business! (Lucas, stricken, walks out of the office. Whitey looks down dismally.) FADE TO BLACK COMMERCIAL SET: [EXT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - EST SHOT - DAY] (Shot of people walking into the school.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY] (Brooke and Peyton, still holding fliers, walk into the school.) BROOKE: This club night, is gonna rule(!) PEYTON: Not according to the jerk at the record store. (Sticks a flier up onto the school notice board.) BROOKE: (Confused) Huh? NATHAN: (Looking at the flier with Haley.) What are these auditions? HALEY: Oh, um...I think Peyton's having like an 'All-Ages' night at the...at Karen's Club. She's kinda looking for bands or something. (Touches a flier.) NATHAN: When do you go on? HALEY: Not! Stop it. NATHAN: Hales! (Sighs) HALEY: It's one thing to play at home for you, it's another to get up in front of a crowd to do it and there's no way. WHITEY: (Approaches Nathan.) Nathan, (Holds a letter out to him.) letter came for you through my office. NATHAN: (Looking at the envelope.) What is it? WHITEY: (Scowling) How the hell should I know?! Do I look like the damn postmaster general?! (Nathan watches Whitey walk away, Haley smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - SCIENCE CLASS - DAY] (The science teacher stands in front of the class, talking.) TEACHER: A meteor shower occurs when the Earth passes through the cloud of dust left behind by a comet, in its orbit of the sun. (Cut to Lucas who is looking at the picture of Anna and himself, again. He has it hidden between the pages of his science book. The teacher opens the door to a student.) STUDENT: (Handing the teacher a note.) Here you go. TEACHER: (Looks at it.) Lucas, you're wanted in the office. (Lucas looks up from the picture, slightly confused.) TEACHER: Take your books. (Gives the note to Lucas. Lucas looks at it.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - OUTSIDE - DAY] (Lucas opens the door and exits. He looks forward.) ANNA: (o.s) Hey. LUCAS: Anna? (Camera pans to show her standing there.) What are you doing here? ANNA: I'm sorry I didn't call you after 'Dare Night'. Give me a chance to explain. I mean, you owe mw that. LUCAS: (Laughs falsely.) I owe you? ANNA: I got you out of Science didn't I? LUCAS: (Looks down at the pass.) Where did you get this Hall Pass anyway? ANNA: (They walk.) I swiped it, when I met the principle. Look, I'm sorry I blew you off. (Explaining desperately.) My brother's kind of...overprotective. Because we haven't gone to the same school in a few years and- LUCAS: (Stops) Wait, Felix is your brother? ANNA: Um...(Slightly awkwardly.)...yeah. I figured you'd connect the dots sooner or later. (Lucas sighs and looks at her.) Anyway. (Pauses, trying to find the words.) I told Felix that I hadn't met any guys and...I don't know, I just didn't wanna have to deal with him so I didn't call you. I'm sorry. I-I figured when Felix saw those pictures of us in the photo booth, he'd let you know who I was. You know, I still can't figure if he's screwing with me or what. LUCAS: I never gave him the pictures. ANNA: (Surprised) Why? LUCAS: (Pause) Because it wasn't just about 'Dare Night' for me. (He smiles.) ANNA: ...Me neither. (They smile and walk together.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. MARKET STREET DOCK - DAY] (Karen is sitting at the table Haley and Nathan sat at on Nathan's first ever tutoring session. She's writing something. Andy puts coffee in front of her.) ANDY: That's a decaf latte with one shot of Irish cream. (Karen looks up.) KAREN: Thanks. ANDY: Ah, you've been pouring me free coffee in the café a week, I figured I'd return the favour. KAREN: Well unlike you I need an 'A', consider that coffee my apple. (Takes the coffee.) ANDY: Um, so look. I-I was wondering if you were available tomorrow night, to um...to watch the meteor shower. KAREN: (Pause) Just the two of us? ANDY: ...Well I could...schedule a...class...felid trip if it makes you feel safer. KAREN: (Quickly) Oh no no no. That's not it. (Clears her throat.) it's just that...going back to school was a big step for me. ANDY: And you're afraid that you'll screw it up. Like um...I don't know, dating your professor. (Karen nods.) Yes. (Andy sits.) Karen, um...I wouldn't ask you to ah, hang out with me if I thought it was gonna compromise your studies, (Pause) or my job. (Pause) You know, un-unless...un-un-unless you, you know, simply don't wanna ha-hang out with me because that's OK too. KAREN: Oh no, no no, I do. That's...that's not it. ANDY: (Smiling) Good. So uh, so what do you say? Tomorrow night? KAREN: (Deciding) OK. (Nods) ANDY: (Nods) Well I'll leave you too it. Oh and uh, hey, I know it's kinda short notice so uh...bring Lucas along if you can't find a sitter. Love to meet the little guy. KAREN: (Laughs) Oh I don't think that's gonna be a problem. ANDY: (Confused) OK. (Walks back.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - SCIENCE CLASS - DAY] (The same teacher is standing in front of the class in a now darkened room, talking about a picture on the projector.) TEACHER: Stars. To the human eye they appear very close together but as you know, in reality- (They teacher's voice id drowned out as Nathan talks to Haley quietly.) NATHAN: 'High Flyers' is like this Allstar basketball boot camp. And this guy (Points to the letter.) Milt West, he scouts the best players in the country and invites them down to Florida so they can work on their skills. HALEY: And invited you. Wow. (Sincerely) Nathan, I'm really happy for you. You deserve this you've...you've worked really hard. (Camera pans to Brooke and Peyton. Felix is openly looking at Brooke. She leans over, covering her face, to address Peyton.) BROOKE: OK, could it get any worse? My love life is non-existent, my parents are having a yard sale to sell everything that we own and I had to beg them to keep my car. PEYTON: OK. You might not be rich but you are still Brooke Davis; the most popular, least studious girl in school. BROOKE: Maybe so, but being poor and horny is no way to go through life. How am I supposed to have fun?(!) PEYTON: Boys won't care about the poor part, just as long as you tell them about the horny part. BROOKE: To top it all off, if my parents go broke, I might actually have to study to get into college. PEYTON: (Sarcastically) My God the horror(!) BROOKE: I know(!) How the mighty have fallen. (She flips through her book and comes across a picture of herself and Lucas when they were still together. She looks at it and then up at Felix.) (Felix is smiling. He glances down at the picture and then back up at her.) BROOKE: I think I need a little recess. (She and Felix exchange looks.) TEACHER: What do you get when two, flaming, stellar bodies collide? [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - SUPPLY CLOSET - DAY] (Brooke forces Felix into the closet and up against the shelves.) BROOKE: OK, here's the thing; we are not dating, we are not going out, we are nothing. (Starts to unbutton his shirt.) I am not your wife, your shrink, your mommy. There's no romance, no crappy poetry, no PDA and no spooning. This is purely physical. If we have sx, it's gonna be safe sx; we're 'Friends with Benefits' (Finishes unbuttoning his shirt.) and in fact, we don't even need to talk. FELIX: I can live with that. BROOKE: Great(!) (Kisses him and they fall off-screen.) FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAN SCOTT SERVICE ANNEX - DAY] (Nathan and Lucas are in the garage, working on a car.) NATHAN: So uh, there's this new girl, named Anna, in my algebra class. (Lucas looks and smiles.) She be the 'Dare Night' mystery girl? LUCAS: (Prolonging) (Wiping the car with a cloth.) Yeeaah. Also happens to be Felix's sister. NATHAN: (Pause) Nice(!) D'you know bout that? LUCAS: Just found out this morning. NATHAN: Well don't hold it against her man, she can't help it if her brother's an ass. (Looks at Lucas pointedly.) LUCAS: (laughs.) (Pause) So 'High Flyers'? I mean, what I wouldn't give, three months in Florida, playing basketball at that camp. NATHAN: (Surprised, stops.) Is it three months? LUCAS: Yeah, I think so. Why? NATHAN: That's all summer. I mean, we can't live for three months off Haley's café paycheque. And even if we could, I mean I don't wanna be apart from her that long. LUCAS: You guys will figure it out. (Pause. Nathan looks uncertain.) Nathan, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity...you know that. (Shot of Nathan looking sad.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. RIVER WALK - DAY] (Whitey is sitting on a bench, looking down. Lucas walks up to him, basketball under one arm. Whitey takes his cap off and holds it in front of his face to get the sun out of his eyes. He scowls miserably when he sees Lucas.) WHITEY: What are you doing here? LUCAS: I just wanted to say hello. WHITEY: (Nods, not looking at him.) You've said it. LUCAS: (Sighs) Nathan got into 'High Flyers'. (Whitey looks at him quickly and then turns away again.) And he couldn't have done it without you so I...I just thought you'd care to know. (He knows it's hopeless so her turns away.) WHITEY: Son(!) (Lucas turns back.) The mistake you're making is - you think I care; bout you, bout the team, about anything. (Pause) I lost the only thing I cared about a long time ago. LUCAS: (Pause) You know, I have this picture in my room of the team...from your five-hundredth win. (Pause) And the man in that photo still looks like a guy to me that still cares about something. (Lucas is getting to Whitey.) We need you Coach. (Louder) Not just to win games, we need you in our lives! (Long pause. Lucas broods.) Have the surgery. (Lucas turns and walks away. Whitey stubbornly averts his gaze, wiping his eyes discreetly.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. STREETS - DAY] (Haley and Nathan are walking down the street. Nathan is holding the envelope in his hands.) HALEY: Oh, I figured this summer out. I thought I would call Karen - see if I could stay with her and Lucas for a little while, till you get back or like, rent a room from her. We'll save a ton. NATHAN: Think she'll go for that? HALEY: Oh please(!) Before you came along, I practically lived there anyway. Then I'll pick up some extra shifts at the café- NATHAN: Haley, you work enough already. HALEY: Hey, you're gonna go to this camp if I have to sell a kidney. It's only three months, I just...(Loops her arm around his.)...wish I could go to Florida with you. (Smiles at him.) (Looks at the yard sale going on, recognising the house.) Isn't this Brooke's house? BROOKE: Hey! (Pointing to someone off-screen.) Be careful with that. It's Venetian and I'm not talking Vegas(!) (Walks to Mouth.) You finding anything? MOUTH: (Holds a picture frame, only the back facing Brooke.) Uh, just this picture frame. BROOKE: (Softly) Just take it. MOUTH: No, I insist. (Gives her the money.) BROOKE: (Takes it.) Thanks Mouth. (Mouth turns the picture and puts it into his bag. It still has a picture of Brooke in it.) HALEY: (o.s) Hi(!) BROOKE: (o.s) Hey. HALEY: (o.s) I didn't recognise the address. We won't buy anything. BROOKE: (o.s) It's OK. We sold my pride around eight thirty. (Smiles) I'd rather see you wearing my clothes than any of these fifty year old wannabes. So I'll give you the 'Good Friend Discount'. HALEY: (Smiling) OK. Thanks. (To Nathan.) I'm gonna go look around. NATHAN: OK. (Haley walks to the sale and Brooke turns to Nathan.) BROOKE: How do you do it? NATHAN: Do what? BROOKE: You gave up your family's money to be poor Nate. NATHAN: You know what they say Brooke; money can't buy love. BROOKE: (Nods) Maybe so. My mom sure had a good run; renting it for a while. Excuse me. (Her scowl makes it obvious as to who has arrived.) (To Felix.) What are you doing here? Pool's closed today. FELIX: (Smiling) You didn't get my text message? Thought you might wanna...hang out. BROOKE: (Scoffs) OK; amendment to the rules - hook-ups will be initiated by me where and when I say and I say not here, not now(!) WOMAN: (o.s) I'd like to buy this dollhouse. BROOKE: (Turns around. We see a beautiful dollhouse, a replica of her house, in the center of the sale.) Oh no. It's not for sale. WOMAN: But there's a price tag on it; one fifty. BROOKE: Well it's a misprint. The one should be a four. (The woman's young daughter looks at her.) WOMAN: (Writing on a cheque.) Four...fifty(!) (Tears it off the book and holds it up to Brooke.) (Brooke snatches the cheques and the woman starts taking it away, piece by piece. A doll falls out of the back of the house. Brooke picks it up sadly.) FELIX: (Watching her.) You OK? BROOKE: (Standing) My room - five minutes. (Felix smiles as he watches her walk to her house.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE RIVERCOURT - DAY] (Lucas throws the basketball. It misses the net and bounces off. He runs after the ball.) ANNA: (Walking onto the court.) You gotta hang your wrist. You know? Freeze after the release. Like Jordon did when he beat Utah in the finals. LUCAS: (Shaking his head.) What about following the ball? ANNA: Following the ball is following your miss. LUCAS: Right. You play? ANNA: A little bit. We beat the crap out of our lady of peace every year. (Pause) So...what d'ya say? (Lucas looks at her probingly.) Quick game of hog? LUCAS: (Considering) How bout this; for every shot I hit...you tell me something about yourself. ANNA: OK. And what do I get when I win? LUCAS: What d'ya have in mind? ANNA: I win...we watch the meteor shower together. LUCAS: (Smiles) And if I win? ANNA: If you win, (Pause) We watch the meteor shower together. (Lucas considers, smiles and then walks onto the court, dribbling the ball.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. JULES' HOUSE - DINING ROOM - DAY] (Keith sits at a small dining table. The lights are very low.) JULES: (Walks back from the kitchen.) Smells good in there. KEITH: Oh I uh...brought some wine. JULES: Nah(!) I'm more of a beer girl. (She puts the table edge between the cap and bottle and bangs down, the top comes off. Keith is impressed. She sits down.) KEITH: So this place is uh, it's nice. JULES: Thanks(!) It's early...American...garage sale. (Keith laughs.) I have to say, you really know your way around a kitchen. Which is impressive since it's not even yours. KEITH: Thanks. You know, I uh, would have invited you over to my place but everything's still in boxes from when I moved back so- JULES: Charleston right? (Keith makes a noise of consent and Jules nods.) KEITH: I guess I keep thinking if I don't unpack then, you know, maybe the move still happens. (A beeping goes off in the kitchen. Keith looks around.) KEITH: Is that you oven timer? JULES: (Laughs) Actually...it's the smoke alarm. (Laughs again.) KEITH: (Stands up.) Oh boy(!) (Jules is amused. Keith disappears into the kitchen. We hear the over door open, a little bit of noise and Keith walks in with the burn food. He coughs, wafting away the smoke. Jules continues to laugh.) JULES: You know what I'd love? (Pause) I-HOP. (She nods.) KEITH: Perfect. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE RIVERCOURT - DAY] (Lucas throws the basketball, Anna standing next to him, and it goes straight into the basket.) ANNA: OK...my confession is; (Pause) I didn't tell Felix I was coming here tonight. (Lucas looks away.) But I'm going to. I swear. (Lucas hands her the ball.) ANNA: (Accepts the ball.) Granny. (Moves to the free-throw line.) From the free-throw line. (She throws the ball granny style and it goes straight into the basket. She smiles.) LUCAS: (Catches the ball.) Nice shot(!) ANNA: Thank you. So whatta you got? LUCAS: (Sighs) I confess that I'm sometimes selfish. I don't always give back as much as I get. (Anna's smiles fades.) (Lucas shoots and misses, possibly deliberately.) ANNA: Well, well. I believe that's...H...O...G. And um...did I win? (They laugh.) ANNA: Looks like you owe me one meteor shower. [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. KAREN'S CLUB - DAY] (A girl is singing, awfully, on the stage. Peyton and Haley sit in the hall, in front of the laptop.) PEYTON: (Quietly, so only Haley can hear.) Why don't we just call it 'Club Suck'? (Addressing the girl in a fake cheery voice, Haley looks embarrassed for her.) Hey thank you, that was, that was...uh. HALEY: Really...something. PEYTON: Great. (Shot of the girl on stage.) That was great. Um...we'll...let you know. (The girls walks off the stage upset.) PEYTON: That was the last of them. HALEY: (Tiredly) Well, we can go with the balding wedding band, or the bad ballad guy. PEYTON: (Smiling) Great, so club no-name has no acts. (The laptop tinkles and Peyton looks at it.) Huh, Nathan just sent me an MP3. HALEY: (Frowning) Nathan? (Realises as her voice sounds on the laptop.) Oh that's ah, that a virus(!) (Tries to turn it off.) You don't (Peyton grabs Haley's hands to stop her.) wanna. PEYTON: (Pushes he back.) Stop(!) (Peyton smiles as she watches the laptop. The singing continues. Haley looks embarrassed, like she wants to die.) Why did we even bother having auditions? Haley this is awesome(!) HALEY: It's- (The back door opens and Chris comes in, carrying a crate of CDs.) PEYTON: (o.s) Oh, it's the rude record store guy. Um, can you just put the CD's by the side of the stage? Thank you. (Haley's song continues to play.) (To Haley.) How many other songs have you written? HALEY: (Stops the recording.) I dunno. A few(!) PEYTON: Alright, well you're gonna open. HALEY: Uh, NO! I'm not(!) I have...major stage fright. (Chris gets onto the stage.) PEYTON: You learned an entire cheer routine in three hours and, you rock the house. HALEY: OK, with a group, I can not do it by myself. NO! You're gonna have to find someone else. I'm sorry. (A guitar strums. Peyton and Haley turn to the stage. Chris is sitting there with a guitar, on a stool with a mic in front of him. He plays the guitar. He sings.) CHRIS: #Everywhere you go, perfection (Haley and Peyton exchange astonished glances.) CHRIS: Follows you the wrong direction, And you will never see it for, You get all that you need and more, You see it, (Peyton looks at Haley who is paying attention it Chris.)you want it, You find it, it's yours But you can't say what you want or, Take what you want or, Choose the moods that you fake when you want, You said your life needed something special, Which you don't have, Yeah, well aren't you glad, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeaaah,# HALEY: (Impressed) I think you just found your man. (Peyton doesn't look pleased.) FADE TO BLACK: [SCENE_BREAK] COMMERCIAL SET: [INT. KAREN'S CLUB - DAY] (Shot if Chris still on the stage.) HALEY: (WALKS UP WITH Peyton behind her.) Hey, this is Peyton and you're (Points at him.) great(!) CHRIS: Yeah I know. When do I play? HALEY: Um...well sev-seven thirty- PEYTON: (Rudely) You're OK but we had a lot of really good people show up today. (Looking at Haley.) So...we'll call you. CHRIS: Whatever. Not Emo enough for you? (Peyton frowns.) (To Haley.) Hey, I heard your song, it's not bad. The key of 'A's kinda crap but...you pulled it off. (Walks off-stage.) HALEY: (To Peyton.) OK, are you out of your mind? He's clearly the best. PEYTON: Yeah, he's good but...he's a jerk! And...he's like...arrogant and self-righteous. HALEY: Peyton, you're not dating him. Just put the club first. PEYTON: I am. I don't need him Haley, I've got you! (Haley doesn't look happy.) Think about it OK? You can do this. (Haley just stares at Peyton.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. BACK YARD - DAY] (Karen and Andy walk through what can only be described as a park.) KAREN: So I thought you said we were gonna watch the meteor shower from your yard. ANDY: (Looks at her.) Um...(Long pause.)...actually, this is my yard. KAREN: (Laughs) You're kidding. (Andy just looks at her, poker faced.) You're not kidding? ANDY: (Shakes his head.) No. I um...I bought it a year ago. Its real-estate right? It's good business. (nods) My house is about half a mile up that way. (Points straight.) KAREN: Wow. Well it's...its very beautiful. ANDY: (Nods) Yeah. Yeah it's a little of the south island and North Carolina you know? KAREN: So how does a New Zealander end up here anyway? ANDY: (Pause) Wow um...let's see, uh, my dad died when I was fourteen (Pause) and uh, my mom figured we'd better move to the states before I turned into a rugby bum like him. (Karen smiles.) And um...did you know there's a One Tree Hill in Auckland? KAREN: Yeah, I've heard that. ANDY: Yeah. It's a volcano. Or it was twenty thousand years ago and uh, now it's a park. We used to picnic in it sometimes so when mom saw this tree Hill on the map - (shrugs) figured it was meant to be. KAREN: So she raised you all by herself in a foreign country. (Pause) She must be quite a woman. ANDY: Yep, she is. I dunno, um, thinking back, I would have loved to have seen her do something like go back to school after dad died. You know? So she could get to live her own life rather than...always having to, uh, sacrifice so I could live mine. (They come to a fountain. Karen stops and looks.) ANDY: (Walks forward, one arm out.) Table for two? (Camera pans to show a small table set up elaborately on the deck, in front of the river. Karen is awed by the scenery. Andy pulls a chair out for her and Karen sits. Andy sits and they talk. The speech is drowned out by the soundtrack.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. DAVIS RESIDENCE - BROOKE'S BEDROOM - DAY] (Felix pulls his shirt over his head and put it on. Brooke is lying in her bed, cocooned in her blankets.) BROOKE: Can't believe they sold my dresser. FELIX: Got anything to drink? BROOKE: (Humourlessly) Water, if the plumbing's still hooked up. FELIX: (Frowns at her.) You sure you're OK with this whole...'Friends with Benefits' thing? BROOKE: Why wouldn't I be? FELIX: You know, it's just most girls I know - unable to hook up without the emotional entanglements. BROOKE: Well, (Sits up, holding the covers to her.) try having your boyfriend hook up with your best friend and see if that's not tangled enough for you. FELIX: Lucas and Peyton? BROOKE: (Scoffs) God, why am I even telling you this? I thought I made it clear; we don't talk(!) (leans back on her bed.) If I wanted to have a conversation, I'd find someone with half a brain. FELIX: (Obviously hurt but doing a good show of hiding it.) Did I mention its 'Friends with Benefits'? BROOKE: Hmm...don't kid yourself. Your only advantage is that you live thirty seconds away. FELIX: (Nods and breaks eyes contact.) So, (Looks back at her.) no friends. BROOKE: Not for me(!) Just 'benefits'. (Felix turns away.) Close the door on your way out. (She turns away from him.) (Felix gets up and walks out. Brooke stares for a beat.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. TREE HILL HIGH SCHOOL - WHITEY DURHAM FIELD HOUSE - EVENING] (There is an envelope on Whitey's desk. It has 'Coach Durham' written across the top in big, capital, letters. Whitey picks up his glasses and puts them on before opening the envelope. Inside is a framed newspaper clipping of Whitey's five-hundredth win. The heading says 'Durham Wins 500th'. Whitey looks at it sadly. He puts the frame onto the desk and throws his glasses on top of it. The Whitey in the clipping is very happy, surrounded by his players.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE RIVERCOURT - EVENING] (Lucas and Anna are sitting on the court.) LUCAS: So now uh...Nathan and I are cool. ANNA: (Nods) And that makes Haley your...sister-in-law? LUCAS: (Laughs) Weird, but yeah. ANNA: I thought I had a complicated relationship with my brother. LUCAS: Yeah, what is Felix's deal anyway? ANNA: (Trying to explain.) He's not as bad as he seems. (Pause) LUCAS: So why didn't you tell Felix about me? ANNA: It just...never came up. LUCAS: (Pause) Look Anna, (Pause) I like you. (She smiles.) And...I think...if we hang out...I'm just gonna like you more. (Pause) But I don't wanna sneak around. You gotta talk to Felix. (Anna considers.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. CAR - EVENING] (Keith and Jules are sitting in a car, talking.) KEITH: You know, I never thought I'd have my brother, Dan, to thank for a night like this. JULES: Must be pretty different going from fixing cars to selling them. KEITH: Nah. Truth is, I always had it in my plan. JULES: What d'ya mean? KEITH: Well, I had the idea to open a dealership...long before Danny ever came round to it. (Jules is intrigued.) I just didn't have the capital. Then when I saved enough, Dan decided to open his own place, with his wife's money. JULES: He stole your idea. KEITH: Well you know, he had a family by then and um...I hoped he would do right by his other son Lucas. (Jules nods.) So, I taught him everything I knew about cars. JULES: Well that was pretty selfless of you. KEITH: Yeah well, I'd never have done it if I knew what an ass he was gonna become. JULES: (Smiles) Well, being a good guy has its own rewards. KEITH: Hmm. (Jules leans over and kisses him. The camera zooms out and we see that they are actually in the parking lot of the dealership, propped up on a display stand so that they can watch the meteor shower.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. JAMES SCOTT APARTMENT - BALCONY - EVENING] (Nathan is leaning against the rail, looking out at the dark, star speckled sky. Haley walks up to him, putting a hand on the railing.) NATHAN: How were the auditions? HALEY: You should not have given that music to Peyton. NATHAN: She liked it didn't she? HALEY: Yeah! But I'm mad(!) NATHAN: (Sighs) Hales, you wouldn't hear it from me. Besides, I'm supposed to believe in you when you don't believe in yourself. It's what you've always done for me. HALEY: (Softens and shrugs.) (Whispers) OK, I'm not mad anymore. NATHAN: So then you'll play? HALEY: (Sighs. Beat) I will, OK, maybe I will. Um, you know, when you get back form camp this fall? NATHAN: (Face drops.) Yeah, about...camp. Uh...I didn't get in. HALEY: (Beat) Well, what do you mean?(!) They said it was a sure thing(!) NATHAN: Yeah I know but...it turns out they made a mistake and, uh, there's some other kid they have to give the spot to. HALEY: (Pats him on the back.) I'm sorry. NATHAN: Yeah, me too. But hey, since I can't go to this camp, that means you...can start playing your music now. (Haley takes her hand off his back and breathes deeply.) Tell me that you will. HALEY: (Pause) (Quietly) OK. (Nathan smiles and nods. Haley sighs and looks at the sky.) OK. I'll try. (Jumps and nudges Nathan.) Oh did you see it! NATHAN: (Looking at the sky also.) No. HALEY: (In wonder.) Ohh, blink and you'll miss it. (They both look at the sky, the camera zooms out.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. STAR FILLED SKY - EVENING] (The sky is filled with bright silver stars.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE YARD - EVENING] (Karen and Andy are still sitting at the table, looking at the sky. Karen reaches over and touches his hand. He looks down. Zoom in to them holding hands.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. STAR FILLED SKY - EVENING] (Shot of the starry sky again, a meteor zooms past.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE BEACH HOUSE - FRONT PORCH - EVENING] (Dan and Deb are sitting on a swing, watching the sky, smiling. Dan's hair looks strange, as though somebody cut it witch hedge clippers. Camera pans around them as he looks at Deb.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. OUTSIDE - EVENING] (Whitey is frowning as he stands outside watching the sky.) (Shot of the sky and stars another meteor zooms past.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. DAN SCOTT MOTORS - PARKING LOT - EVENING] (Keith and Jules are in the car, still kissing and missing every shooting star that zooms by.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. KAREN'S CLUB - THE STAIRS - EVENING] (Peyton sits out on the stairs. She looks dismally up, thinking about the auditions. She looks up at the sky and sees a meteor pass overhead.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE RIVERCOURT - EVENING] (Lucas and Anna are lying on their backs on the court, looking up at the sky. They are talking and laughing amongst themselves. Lucas points up to the sky. Shot of the starry sky but no meteor.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. DAVIS RESIDENCE - DOORSTEP - EVENING] (Shot of Brooke's front door. The door opens and Brooke steps out. She sits on the stoop and looks up. Felix walks out of his own house, looking up. Brooke turns her head and looks at him. He hasn't noticed her yet. Feeling eyes on him, he turns his head and sees her. Brooke turns away and looks at the sky again. Felix smiles kindly, to himself before averting his gaze to the sky again.) (Camera fades out and we see both their houses, Brooke's light and Felix's dark. The sky above is littered with stars.) DAN: (v.o) The meteors always streak from north to south. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE BEACH HOUSE - FRONT PORCH - EVENING] (Dan and Deb are now standing, leaning on the posts) DAN: Right near Percius. DEB: Where's that? DAN: (Points) Next to Andromeda. (A few Harry Potter names creeping up.) He's protecting his wife. Right there, you see the figure of a woman? DEB: (Looking) Oh, yeah. I see it now. DAN: She's chained at the wrist, just like in the story. Hmm. (He, not-so-discretely, puts his arm around her.) DEB: (Uncomfortably) Um, it's late. We should get back home. (Shies away from him.) DAN: Well, we've had a lot to drink. Maybe we should spend the night here. DEB: I don't have my things. DAN: (Smiles) (Pause) I threw our overnight bags in the car. (Shot of Deb, she knows he planned this.) Just in case. (Deb nods and looks down.) DAN: (Realising) I'll take the guest room, of course. (Deb looks up at him, eyes hardened.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. LUCAS' CAR - EVENING] (Lucas drives up to Anna's house and stops. He looks at it and sighs heavily.) ANNA: So. What time do you wanna sneak around tomorrow night? (Lucas turns away.) I'm gonna talk to him OK? I promise. LUCAS: You understand where I'm coming from though, right? I mean, at a certain point, I gotta stop talking about wanting to be a different guy...and start being that guy. ANNA: I do understand. (Pause) And...I know you think you have to work at it, but you're already a good guy Luke. (Lucas smiles.) At least I think so. (She kisses him. He looks at her.) (Shot from outside of the car. The camera zooms out until we can see Felix's shoulder. Shot of Felix, angry. The camera zooms in on him getting angrier by the second.) FADE TO BLACK: COMMERCIAL SET: [INT. FELIX'S HOUSE - ANNA'S BEDROOM - EVENING] (Anna walks into her bedroom, unaware that Felix is standing in her other doorway.) FELIX: Get anything at the mall? ANNA: (Stops) (Doesn't turn to face him.) Not really. FELIX: Hm. (Walks into her room.) That's a first. ANNA: (Pause) I went out with a friend. FELIX: You kiss all your friends? ANNA: (Annoyed) You've been spying on me? FELIX: So you like Lucas? ANNA: I don't know Felix. It was just a first date. FELIX: Half of the kids in this town were conceived on the first date. (Anna rolls her eyes and looks away.) Look, I don't know how much you know about him...but he's done some things. ANNA: That's no secret. He told me that he screwed some things up(!) FELIX: Yeah, Peyton - while he was dating Brooke. (Anna continues to look, hurt.) Look, he'll do the same thing to you Anna. He's a bad guy. ANNA: No, he might have made a mistake but he's not a bad guy. And I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. It's be nice if you'd do the same for me. FELIX: (Smug) (Pause) See, that's how guys like that get away with this stuff. Girls like you, giving them the benefit of the doubt. (Anna walks out, leaving him in her room.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. ROE RESIDENCE - KITCHEN - EVENING] (Karen walks into the kitchen late. She flips the light on and sees Lucas sitting there, one hand on his head, drumming his fingers on the table and looking very worried. She starts, shocked.) KAREN: Oh(!) (Stops and rolls her eyes. Lucas drums his fingers again.) You just took ten years off my life. LUCAS: (Sternly) It's one o'clock in the morning. (Pause) I have been worried sick(!) Where have you been? KAREN: I-I'm sorry, it ju- LUCAS: No, (Karen closes the door and pauses.) After midnight, you call. (Karen gives him a look and he drops the act, laughing.) KAREN: Ha ha ha(!) I really hope I don't sound like that(!) (Lucas, smiles, shrugs and intertwines his fingers.) KAREN: How long have you been home? LUCAS: Oh, bout five minutes. KAREN: (Looks at her watch.) Well then we're both grounded. LUCAS: (Shakes his head disappointedly.) Clearly a rookie mom. (Leans back in the chair.) Next time, (Points to the window.) try sneaking in the window. (Karen looks at him and smiles, walking around the table.) So, did you have a good time? KAREN: ...Yeah, I did. (Pats him as she walks past.) LUCAS: (Looks at her.) Good. [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE BEACH HOUSE - EST SHOT - DAY] [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. THE BEACH HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY] (Dan is making pancakes. Deb walks in.) DAN: Hey. I'm making pancakes. DEB: Oh, I'm sorry, Dan, I'm going home. DAN: (Looking up.) What's the hurry? We'll go back in a few hours. DEB: (Packing a bag.) Oh, no we won't. Coming out here was a mistake. I can't...keep pretending that things are normal. You're better now, so uh...I'll send your things over. (Turns and Dan's phone rings.) DAN: (Looking at the screen.) It's the doctor. (Deb turns to listen. Dan answers the phone.) Dan Scott! DOCTOR CONNELLY: (Through the phone.) Hi Dan, this is Doctor Connelly. I just received your test results back from the lab. You're doing really well and we can now start talking about a more strenuous exercise programme. DAN: (Looking at Deb, fake worry written all over his face.) I see. DOCTOR CONNELLY: (Through the phone.) So uh, call my office and set up an appointment. DAN: Thank you doctor, I will. Thank you. (With his back to Deb, he smiles and shuts the phone. He turns back to Deb, fake worry etched all over his face again.) (Pause) It's not good. I'm gonna have to stay with you for a while. (Deb is not pleased.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. JAMES SCOTT APARTMENT - ENTRANCE - DAY] (There is a knock at the door. Only Nathan's at home.) NATHAN: Come in(!) (The door opens.) Hey man. LUCAS: (Enters) Hey. NATHAN: (Points) wanna help me with this table? I'm rearranging so Haley has more room to practice. LUCAS: Yeah man uh, (Looks behind.) where do you want it? NATHAN: (Points behind Lucas.) Right there. LUCAS: (they lift and haul the table.) So Haley told me you didn't get into 'High Flyers' after all. Tough break. NATHAN: Yeah, it's too bad. LUCAS: (Sees right through it.) You did get in. (Sighs) Nathan, man you've been working for your whole life for this. (Pause. Nathan sighs.) You can't say no. NATHAN: You know what it's like to hit a game winning shot. The whole crowd loves you...everybody treats you like you're a star. (Pause) I get to feel that every time I play. I mean, you know, you've felt it. (Lucas nods.) Now, it's Haley's turn. I mean she's an incredible musician, Luke, and she's ready to give it a shot. So if I got to camp now, for three months, (Shrugs) who knows where her head's gonna be. I just really want her to feel, like, the thrill of the crowd. (Smiles at Lucas.) She deserves it. LUCAS: (Understanding what Nathan's giving up.) Well what about your future? NATHAN: I already know my future. (Pause) It's with Haley. (Sighs and smiles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [INT. KAREN'S CLUB - DAY] (Peyton is messing with a rusty plug. She puts the plug into the wall socket and flips the switch. Part of a huge, old, sign lights up. The word 'tric', in electric, lights up in red and a few white lights too. She looks at it.) PEYTON: (Nodding) Welcome to 'TRIC'. (Smiles) (The back door opens and in walks Rick, the band manager who made Peyton take drugs. Peyton swivels and gapes when she sees him.) RICK: Nice space. PEYTON: (To herself.) Oh, Rick. RICK: Here you're looking for bands. (Peyton nods.) Suppose we're working together after all. (Looks at her.) I guess...we'll be partying together too. (Peyton stares stunned and turns away. She doesn't want him there.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. DAVIS RESIDENCE - DOORSTEP - DAY] (The doorbell rings and Brooke opens her front door. Mouth is standing there.) BROOKE: (Questioningly) Mouth(!) MOUTH: I um...I knew this meant a lot to you. So, I got the address off the woman's cheque and...I bought it back. (Brooke moves closer to him. Mouth steps aside to reveal her dollhouse, without two wings of the house. Brooke stands there, touched and then walks to Mouth and hugs him.) BROOKE: (Whispers) Thank you. (Mouth smiles.) (Phone rings.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. THE RIVERCOURT - DAY] (Dan is sitting in his car, watching someone play basketball. His phone rings and he answers it.) DAN: Yeah(!) MILT WEST: (Through the phone.) Hey Dan, Milt West from 'High Flyers'. Uh...your son, turned me down. DAN: (Frowning) So, what? You saying he's not going to the camp? You told me you could make this happen. MILT WEST: (Through the phone.) Says he doesn't wanna be away from his wife. Sorry. (Shot of Dan watching Nathan shoot hoops by himself on the court. Dan shuts his phone and continues to watch his son. It's gonna be harder than he thought. Nathan bounces the ball and shoots again. Dan is pissed.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ROE RESIDENCE - FRONT PORCH - DAY] (Camera pans to Karen and Lucas sitting on the outside swing. Karen is looking through post.) KAREN: (Not looking at Lucas.) So I uh...I want you to know that I met somebody. LUCAS: (Pause) Well that's cool. So did I. KAREN: Well, mine's younger than me. (Pause) I mean a lot younger. LUCAS: (Stares, laughs.) OK. (Pause) well if he's younger than me, I'm not calling him dad. (They laughs and Karen resumes going through the mail.) KAREN: Oh, (Gives him a yellow envelope.) this came for you. (Lucas takes it.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. TREE HILL HOSPTIAL - DAY] (Shot of Whitey's bag with the top of the framed newspaper clipping showing from the bag. He pauses for a moment before walking to the entrance of the hospital.) [SCENE_BREAK] [EXT. ROE RESIDENCE - FRONT PORCH - DAY] (A close up of Lucas' hand pulling out a card with two words written on it; 'THANK YOU'. Lucas smiles and then, looking off into the distance, slowly puts the card back into the envelope. Karen continues to look through her mail.) (Camera slowly zooms out and then fades into the night sky again, littered with stars, one shooting star zooms past.)	Plan: A: A midnight meteor shower; Q: What event finds Lucas sharing a romantic night with Anna? A: Karen; Q: Who does Andy surprise with a dinner? A: Keith cooking; Q: What did Keith do for Jules on their first date? A: Brooke; Q: Who forms a relationship with Felix? A: a mutually beneficial relationship; Q: What kind of relationship does Brooke form with Felix? A: an opening act; Q: What does Peyton want to find for her club? A: Keane; Q: What artist is the episode named after? Summary: A midnight meteor shower finds Lucas sharing a romantic night with Anna, Andy surprising Karen with a dinner and Keith cooking for Jules on their first date. Brooke forms a mutually beneficial relationship with Felix, and Peyton sets out to find an opening act for her club. This episode is named after a song by Keane .
[Scene: The Wedding Chapel, continued from last season. Chandler and Monica are about to get married.] Chandler: Okay! (Stands up) This is it! (Claps his hands) We're gonna get married! Monica: Are you sure you wanna do this? (Suddenly the doors burst open, and ROSS AND RACHEL COME OUT ARM-IN-ARM!!!!! And Rachel's carrying a bouquet!!! THEY GOT MARRIED!!!!) Ross: Well, hello, Mrs. Ross! (Throws some rice.) Rachel: Well, hello, Mr. Rachel! (Throws some more rice.) (They storm out into the street.) Rachel: Wait! (Gets her bearings) Okay! (She goes one way; he goes the other. The camera pans back to Chandler and Monica, and needless to say, they're standing there dumbstruck.) Monica: Whoa! Chandler: Oh my God! Joey: (entering with Phoebe) Come on Pheebs! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Phoebe: Okay! Okay! Okay! (They run into the chapel.) (Chandler and Monica are stunned again.) Chandler: Oh my God!! Is everybody getting married?!! (Phoebe and Joey run back out and head towards the street.) Attendant: (scolding them) N-No running in the chapel! Phoebe: (to her) Hey! Don't you give me any of your-Hey! (Sees Chandler and Monica standing there.) Chandler: Hey! Joey: Hey! Monica: What are you guys doing here? Joey: Ross and Rachel left us a message saying they were getting married! Isn't that why you guys are here? Chandler: Yes! Well that-yes. Monica: Why else would we be here? Joey: Well! What happened?! Did we miss it? Chandler: We actually missed it. Phoebe: Well, maybe you wouldn't have had you (turns to the attendant) run in the chapel! Monica: This is insane! Phoebe: What's the big deal, y'know? It's not like it's a real marriage. Chandler: What?! Phoebe: Yeah, if you get married in Vegas, you're only married in Vegas. Monica: What are you talking about? If you get married in Vegas you're married everywhere. Phoebe: (shocked) Really?! Monica: Yeah! Phoebe: Oh my God!-Eh! Well... Opening Credits {Transciber's note: In case you haven't heard, Courteney Cox got married to David Arquette during hiatus and changed her name to Courteney Cox Arquette. But David was a busy boy during the off season for not only did he marry but everyone else as well. For they're all listed as Jennifer Aniston Arquette, Lisa Kudrow Arquette, in an interesting twist Matt LeBlanc Arquette, Matthew Perry Arquette, David Schwimmer Arquette, and even the creators of the show are now David Crane Arquette and Marta Kauffman Arquette. I just wonder what the new sleeping arrangements are...} [Scene: Rachel's hotel room, she's waking up with a horrendous hangover.] Rachel: Ohhh! (Looks in the mirror and sees that she still has her mustache and groans.) (Suddenly, there's movement beside her, startling her. It's Ross! He wakes up and they both start screaming in terror. Then they both grab their heads having aggravated their hangovers.) Ross: Why are we in bed together? Rachel: I don't know. Do-do you have any clothes on? Ross: (checks) Yeah. Rachel: Really?! Ross: No! But we-we didn't have...sex-uh, did we? I mean, I don't remember much about last night, it was such a blur. Rachel: Oh! I remember laughing! I laughed a lot. Ross: And we didn't have s*x. (Rachel agrees with him and starts to get out of bed.) Rachel: Ohh, I mean, we were really drunk. I'm just glad we didn't do anything stupid. Ross: (getting up) Tell me about it. (He sits up on the edge of the bed and has "Just Married" written on his back.) [Scene: The breakfast buffet, Phoebe is already sitting at the table as Joey enters.] Joey: Mornin' Pheebs. (Sits down.) Well, my movie has officially been canceled. Phoebe: Oh Joey, I'm so sorry. You want some of my breakfast? Joey: Nah, I'm too depressed to eat. I'll probably eat in like 5 minutes. So I guess I'll just fly home with you guys, what time's your flight? Phoebe: What about my cab? Joey: I don't need that anymore. Phoebe: No, Joey! You borrowed my cab; you have to drive it back. Joey: I don't want to drive all the way back by myself, I get so lonely. (Gets an idea.) Oh-ooh! How about you come with me? Phoebe: I don't know, it's such a long trip. Joey: It'll be great! We-we could talk, and play games! Huh? This could be our chance to like renew our friendship. Phoebe: Are you asking me to have a frenaissance? Joey: Sure? Phoebe: All right. Although I don't think we need one, I never stopped loving you. (Chandler and Monica enter.) Chandler: Hi! Joey: Hey. Monica: Hey. Chandler: So, has anyone talked to Dr. and Mrs. Geller yet? Phoebe: Um-hmm, yeah. They left me a message; they should be here any minute. Joey: Where is the waitress?! I'm starving! Chandler: It's a buffet man. Joey: Oh, here's where I win all my money back! (Gets up and heads for the buffet table with Chandler in tow.) Chandler: Listen, I gotta talk to you. Joey: Sure! What's up? (He grabs a plate and proceeds to load it with a huge pile of scrambled eggs. Chandler just stares at him and Joey reluctantly gives him a spoonful.) Chandler: Monica and I almost got married last night. Joey: Oh my God! That's huge! (Hugs him.) Wait a minute, why come I wasn't invited? And who was going to be your best man? Don't say, "Ross." Do not say, "Ross." Chandler: Look, I just don't think Monica and I are ready to get married yet! Y'know? I mean, I love her and everything but seeing Ross and Rachel coming out of that chapel was like a, like a wake-up call that Monica and I are moving so fast. Y'know? And, how do I tell her without crushing her? Joey: Oh! Tell her she's not marriage material. Chandler: What?! Joey: Girls say it to me all the time! And believe me, if she's anything like me, she's just gonna be relieved. [Pan to Monica and Phoebe having the same conversation.] Monica: How do I tell Chandler that it's too soon. It's gonna break his heart, he's not gonna think that I don't love him anymore. Phoebe: Well you don't. Monica: Yes I do! Phoebe: Good! Good! I was just testing you. Chandler: (returning with Joey) Hi. Monica: Oh hi! Hi! Y'know, we were just talking about bacon. Phoebe: No, we were talking about tennis. Tennis is more believable. (Ross and Rachel enter.) Ross: Hey! The Girls: Hey! Chandler: Hey! (They both sit down and Rachel pours them both some coffee. They're acting like nothing's happened and everyone is just staring at them.) Ross: What? Chandler: Are we gonna talk about what you guys did last night? Or... Rachel: (To Ross) I don't know. (To the gang.) What do you mean last night? Nothing, nothing uh, happened last night. Ross: Yeah! Phoebe: Uh-huh! Ross invited us all to watch. (Rachel turns to Ross stunned.) Monica: Rach! We weren't gonna miss our friends getting married! Rachel: (gasps) Who got married?! (Ross is as surprised to hear this as she is.) Chandler: (not quite sure) You did. Ross: What?! Hello! We didn't get married. Rachel: No, we didn't get married! That's ridiculous! (They turn to look at each other and suddenly remember that they did in fact get married.) Ross: We-we-we-I remember being in a chapel. Rachel: Oh my God. Ross: I-They would not let us get married when we were that drunk! Rachel: No! Joey: They let you get married when you're drunk! Most people who get married in Vegas are drunk! Phoebe: Hell, I'm drunk right now! (They all turn and look at her.) What? I can't have a mimosa with breakfast?! I'm on vacation! Monica: What are you guys gonna do? Rachel: Well, I guess we just find a divorce lawyer? (Looks at Ross.) Chandler: Well, I think, I think, Ross already has one. Now, this one's free, right? Because you paid for the first two, so the third one's free. Ross: Laugh it up, but the joke's on you. Because we don't need to get divorced, okay? We we're just gonna get an annulment. Joey: An annulment? Ross! I don't think surgery's the answer here. Phoebe: Oh-oh, that's your thing. Ross: What? Phoebe: You're thing. You're thing. Y'know? You're the guy who gets divorced. All: Oh yeah! Ross: No-no, that's-that's not my thing! I do not love getting divorced! Phoebe: Yes you do! This is your third divorce! You love divorce so much you're probably gonna marry it! Then it won't work out and you're gonna have to divorce it, divorcing guy. (Pause) I'm so drunk. [Scene: The casino floor, Chandler and Monica are walking through it.] Monica: So, what do you think we should do? Chandler: I don't know. But I-I-I know I love you! Monica: I know I love you! (They hug.) Chandler: So where are we on the whole going back to the place where they have all the marriages thing? I love you. Monica: That's a good question. Look umm, last night we let the dice decide. Maybe we should leave it up to fate again. I love you! Chandler: Yes, we don't get married unless there's a sign! Okay, so say uh, say you roll another eight (motions to the craps table) then there's a definite sign that we should get married. Monica: All right, eight we get married, but 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10, 11, 12 we don't get married. Chandler: Sounds great. Monica: Okay. (They approach the craps table.) Croupler: Coming in, we got a shooter! Money please. Monica: Ready? Chandler: Ready! Monica: (sarcastic) Come on eight. Chandler: (deadpan) Yes, yes eight. (Monica rolls the dice.) Croupler: Eight! Easy eight. (She rolls a 3 and a 5 and they're stunned.) Monica: Wow! I can't believe I actually rolled an eight. Chandler: That was so unlikely. Well, let's get married! I guess. Monica: Wait a minute. That wasn't a hard eight! Last night I rolled a hard eight. Chandler: That's right! It was the wrong kind of eight, no wedding! Damnit! Monica: I wanted it so bad! (Pause) Wanna go pack? Chandler: Yeah. (They go pack.) We're doing the right thing, right? Monica: Ohh, of course we are! (They walk up to the elevators.) We left it up to fate. (Pushes the elevator button.) If we were supposed to get married there would be a clear-cut sign. (The elevator door opens to a priest reading from a bible with Chandler and Monica standing side-by-side holding each other's hands.) [Scene: Phoebe's cab, Phoebe and Joey are driving back. Phoebe is driving while Joey is sleeping.] Phoebe: Okay, you have 19 questions left. Use them wisely. (Joey groans.) Come on Joey! You can't win if you don't ask any (sees that he's asleep) QUESTIONS!!! Joey: (wakes up) What?! Phoebe: Well, you promised me a fun road trip! We've been on the road six hours and you've been asleep for five and a half! We are switching at the next rest stop and you are going to drive all the way back! That will be your punishment, you greedy sleeper! Joey: All right. All right. Phoebe: Yeah! And until then you are going to sing to me because the radio's broken and you are selfish but have a nice voice. Joey: Really? I don't... Phoebe: Sing!! Joey: (starts singing) I wanna rock and roll all night! (Falls asleep.) [Time lapse, Phoebe is asleep, Joey's driving and having a hard time staying awake.] Joey: (to himself) Man, this is a long drive! Are my eyes open? No! (He opens his eyes and sees a hitchhiker.) [Time lapse, Phoebe is still asleep only Joey is now passed out next to her and the car's still moving. She wakes up, sees Joey, and screams.] Hitchhiker: (driving) Morning! (Phoebe screams again.) [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is on the couch as Ross enters.] Ross: Hey! Rachel: Hey, hubby! Ross: Yeah. Yeah, actually um, I wanted to talk to you about that whole annulment thing? Rachel: Uh-huh. Ross: I'm not going to do that. (Rachel glares at him.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier. Rachel starts laughing.] Rachel: Okay! So, we'll just stay married. Ross: Yes, exactly! Rachel: And I will make everyone call me Mrs. Geller! Ross: Wow! This is so amazing. I uh, I really thought I'd have to talk you into this more. Rachel: Okay, see now I'm scared because I don't actually think you're kidding. Ross: I'm-I'm not kidding. Look I-I, I can't have three failed marriages. I can't. Okay? I-I am not gonna be that guy! Rachel: What-wh-what so we'll just stay married forever?! Ross: Okay, look, how is this gonna affect you? Really? I mean you fill some form out once and a while and instead of checking the box that says Ms you check the box that says Mrs.! It's right next to it! Rachel: Ohh, okay, I'm sorry. You're right. Y'know what? We absolutely can stay married, because I was under the impression that the boxes were far away from each other. All right, look, just please, take a moment here and think about what you're asking of me. Ross: I'm asking you to do me a favor. {Note: Does anyone else want to smack Ross right about now? Raise your hands. Okay, put them down before you stink out the person next to you.} Rachel: You are asking me to be your wife! Ross: And as my wife I think you should grant me this favor. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The hallway, Chandler is helping Monica to the door.] Monica: That kid really kicked me hard on the plane. Chandler: Well you did pull his hair. Monica: He took my snack! Chandler: I'm not getting into this again! Monica: Okay! Oh God, y'know what? It's really bad. Chandler: Well, I told you not to walk. Here. (Picks her up.) There. Okay. (He opens the door, carries her across the threshold, stops, backs out, and lets go of Monica who is only holding on by his neck.) Monica: This doesn't mean anything, does it? Chandler: No! Monica: Okay. [Scene: Phoebe's cab, she's driving, Joey's in the back seat, and the hitchhiker is riding up front with Phoebe.] Phoebe: (To Joey) How could you pick up a hitchhiker?! He could be a rape-(She holds her hand in front of the hitchhiker's face), a rapist or a killer or something! Joey: Don't you think I asked him that before he got in?! Phoebe: Y'know what? I'm not talking to you! You go back to sleep! (To the hitchhiker) And you, are you a rapist?! Hitchhiker: No! Phoebe: Do you like car games? Hitchhiker: Yeah, y'know the license plate game? Phoebe: I love the license plate game! Joey: Ooh, I'll play! I'll play! Phoebe: No-No! You need your sleep. Night-night! Shh! (She closes the partition.) [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.] Ross: Hey! Rachel: Hey! Ross: Listen, I know you wanted to talk to me, but I have an idea that may make you want to stay married. (Rachel shakes her head.) We register, and you get to keep all the presents! Rachel: (thinks about it for a second) No! Ross, come on! No! Listen, look I thought a lot about how to tell you this and the bottom line, Ross, is we can not stay married. Ross: I don't know if it's true. Rachel: Oh b-b-but it is! Ross: Oh, okay, y'know what this is? This is a difference of opinion. And when that happens in a marriage... Rachel: Oh Ross, come on! This is not, this is not a marriage!! This is the world's worst hangover! Ross, listen, if you do not get this annulment, I will! Ross: All right. All right, I'll do it. Rachel: Thank you. (He goes to leave.) Hey-hey umm, uh, is there, is there any such thing as an annulment shower? (Ross turns and leaves.) [Scene: Phoebe's cab, it's the same arrangement as before.] Hitchhiker: Wait! Wait! There is the train station! Phoebe: Oh, okay. Hitchhiker: This is where I get off. Well, I have your address and phone number. Phoebe: And I have your name and the fact that you're a drifter, so the ball's pretty much in your court. Hitchhiker: All right, see ya Pheebs. (Gets out and Phoebe drives away.) Joey: Come on Pheebs! I can't take this anymore! Let-let me make it up to you. Huh? (Starts singing.) Ground control to Major Tom. Commencing countdown, engines on. Take your protein pills and put your helmet on! Phoebe: Stop it! Stop it no! That's not fair! Y'know I can't resist that beautiful voice! Joey: Pheebs, I am so sorry! I know I promised you a fun road trip with your friend and I didn't deliver. But-but-but now I know that you think being awake is an important part of friendship! So, so, so I will strive to-to stay awake for as long as I know you. Phoebe: You can still sleep at night and stuff. Joey: Well, thank you. So, can we play 20 Questions now? I've got a really good one! I've been thinking about it since Kansas. Phoebe: Okay. Is it a kind of hot sandwich? Joey: Yes. Phoebe: Is it a meatball sub? Joey: That is incredible! You are the master! [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are there and Rachel is arranging a bouquet of flowers, pricks her finger on a thorn, throws the bouquet over her head, and those you who are quicker than some already know that Monica is the one who catches it.] Rachel: Huh, that's funny. You look like you're gonna be the... Monica: No, don't say it! Don't even think it! Rachel: All right. Okay Chandler, enjoy your handful. (Exits.) Chandler: All right, should we just, should we just get married? Y'know? I mean should we just do it? All the signs are telling us to do it. Monica: I'm sick of the signs! It's too fast, I'm happy the way things are! Chandler: Me too! Monica: I don't want things to change! Do you? Chandler: No! Monica: All right then, then nothing changes! Everything is great! Everything stays the same! And you go unpack because it's been three days and it's driving me insane! Chandler: Jeez, relax! It's not like we're mar-ah-ah!! (Runs out.) Chandler: (entering, slowly) Y'know I was thinking, what if I uh, unpack here? Monica: Then all your stuff would be here. Chandler: Well, what if all my stuff was here? Monica: Then you'd be going back and forth all the time, I mean it doesn't make any sense. Chandler: Okay. What if we lived together and you understand what I'm saying? Monica: Live together? There have been no signs for that. Chandler: Me asking is kind of a sign. Monica: YES!!!!!!!! Chandler: Okay!!!!! (And the crowd goes wild! Well, at least the live studio audience.) Monica: Yes! Okay! Okay! Wait-wait-wait! Chandler: Okay. Monica: Here's your key (Gets him one.) Chandler: Oh thanks. Monica: Here's your key. All right, you have to christen it! Now, go out and come back in! Chandler: The door hasn't been locked in five years, but okay! (Runs out.) Ready?! Monica: Ready! (He tries, but something happens.) Chandler: Okay, a little problem. The key broke in the lock and I can't get in! Monica: Wait! Oh my God! I can't get out! Chandler: This is not a sign! Monica: No, it's not a sign! It's a very old key! Chandler: It's an old key! Monica: Oh my God it's old! Chandler: I love you! Monica: I love you! Chandler: Are you hugging the door right now. (Pause) Monica: No. Chandler: Yeah-yeah, me neither. [Scene: Central Perk, Rachel and Phoebe are on the couch as Ross enters.] Ross: Hey! Rachel: Hey, so did everything go all right with the annulment? Ross: Oh, yeah, no problems. It's all taken care of. Rachel: Ross, thank you. Hey, do you guys wanna go see a movie? Ross: Oh yeah, why not? Rachel: Pheebs? Phoebe: No thanks, I've already seen one. Rachel: Okay, umm, I'm gonna get my sweater. (Walks away.) Ross: Okay. (Sits down next to Phoebe.) You uh, you wanna hear something weird? Phoebe: Always. Ross: I didn't get the annulment. Phoebe: What?! Ross: We're still married! Don't tell Rachel. See you later. (He gets up leaving Phoebe in shock.) Ending Credits [Scene: The hallway, Joey is coming up the stairs and sees Chandler trying to open the lock.] Joey: What are you doing? Chandler: The key's stuck in the lock. Joey: I can fix it. Hold on. (He goes and gets a screwdriver from his apartment) Look out. Look out. (Pries at the door a little bit.) Chandler: (trying the handle) It still doesn't work. Joey: I'm not finished. Chandler: Oh. (Joey goes back into the apartment, runs back into the hallway, throws his shoulder against the door, and knocks it down off it's hinges.) Chandler: Nice job Joe! You're quite the craftsmen. (Joey pats him on the stomach and heads to bed.)	Plan: A: no memory; Q: What do Ross and Rachel have of getting married the previous night? A: the aftermath; Q: What do Ross and Rachel have to deal with after their drunken escapade? A: New York; Q: Where do Phoebe and Joey drive back to after their Vegas trip? A: Phoebe's cab; Q: What do Phoebe and Joey drive back to New York in? A: a hitchhiker; Q: What did Phoebe pick up while Joey was napping? A: the idea; Q: What do Monica and Chandler ponder about marriage? A: marriage; Q: What do Monica and Chandler discuss at home? A: their relationship; Q: What do Monica and Chandler decide to take a step forward by living together? A: between seasons 5 and 6; Q: When did Courteney Cox marry David Arquette? A: Cox-Arquette; Q: What was Courteney Cox's last name changed to? A: top billing; Q: What was Courteney Cox-Arquette given for the episode? A: the opening credits; Q: Where was the "-Arquette" added to every cast member's last name? Summary: In Vegas, Ross and Rachel initially have no memory of getting married the previous night, then must deal with the aftermath of their drunken escapade. Phoebe and Joey drive back to New York in Phoebe's cab. She becomes angry when Joey sleeps most of the way rather than playing his promised fun road trip games; she unnerves Joey by picking up a hitchhiker while he was napping. Back at home, Monica and Chandler ponder the idea of marriage and decide to take their relationship forward a step by living together. Opening Credit Gag: Courteney Cox married David Arquette between seasons 5 and 6 and she changed her last name to Cox-Arquette. As a tribute to them, Courteney Cox-Arquette was given top billing for the episode, and "-Arquette" was added to every cast member's last name in the opening credits.
By Louis Marks 5:15pm - 5:40pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1, INT: TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM (The four members of the TARDIS crew are standing around the console recovering from their visit to 1794 Paris. The air is full of expectation about where they will end up next. The Doctor walks around the console flicking switches.) DOCTOR: We're approaching a planet. IAN: Which one? DOCTOR: We shall soon see. (Barbara snatches her hand away from where she was leaning on the console.) BARBARA: Ow. DOCTOR: What's the matter my dear? BARBARA: I burnt myself on the console. DOCTOR: Oh, something overheating here. Just as well we're landing? Er, Susan, check the fault locator please. SUSAN: Yes Grandfather. BARBARA: We're not going to blow up or anything are we? DOCTOR: Oh no no no, of course not. It's just, well, there we were in the late eighteenth century and I tried another frequency to sidestep the ship back into the middle of the twentieth century. (Susan walks over to the adjoining cupboard-like fault locator, and reads from a dial.) SUSAN: There's something on QR18, Grandfather. And A14D. (Susan spins around in horror and a siren immediately begins to sound.) SUSAN: YELLOW STANDBY! GRANDFATHER, THE DOORS, THEY'RE OPENING! (In the main Console Room the doors begin to swing open a crack, revealing a slice of foreboding nothingness outside. The Doctor immediately galvanises into action.) DOCTOR: What's happening... Unbelievable! Chesterton close the doors please! We haven't materialised properly! Quickly! IAN: What do you mean close the doors? DOCTOR: Don't argue dear boy it's an emergency, close the doors! Quick! Use force! (Ian leaps towards the doors, but it is too much for him and he struggles to keep the gap from widening. Barbara and Susan run to help and between them they manage to wrestle the doors closed again.) BARBARA: Is everything alright? (The Doctor is visibly shaken by this turn of events, he stares into the console instruments, then nods at Barbara.) DOCTOR: We're just landing. [SCENE_BREAK] 2, EXT: MODEL SHOT (The TARDIS materialises in a large cleft in a rocky outcrop.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3, INT: TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM (The Doctor is murmuring to himself looking decidedly shaken.) IAN: Are you alright Doctor? DOCTOR: (He mumbles incoherently.) What? IAN: Are you alright? DOCTOR: Oh please don't bother me! BARBARA: What happened just then? DOCTOR: Susan, go back to the fault locator, and I want you to check everything, child you understand, EVERYTHING! (Susan moves off to the fault locator.) BARBARA: Well at least we seem to be alright. DOCTOR: Mm? Oh don't be childish, they opened! The doors opened before we had properly materialised! IAN: But what does it mean? DOCTOR: Hah-ha! IAN: Doctor, you needn't keep it a secret from us! DOCTOR: What? BARBARA: Doctor, don't keep us in suspense. DOCTOR: Oh don't go on with these futile questions! Please, can't you understand, can't you see?! IAN: No we can't - that's just it! DOCTOR: Oh we were just about to materialise when the doors opened and we hadn't properly adjusted! BARBARA: You mean something went out of the ship? DOCTOR: No that's impossible! IAN: Came inside then? DOCTOR: Oh please, don't keep talking on the twentieth-century level! I'm talking about time-travel! Neither of you can understand what I'm talking about I can s-see that! IAN: How could we, you've never explained it to us! DOCTOR: My dear boy... SUSAN: Grandfather everything's alright! There isn't a fault anywhere, not even on yellow standby! DOCTOR: But there must be something wrong, Susan! I shall have to check that fault locator myself to make sure, excuse me... (The Doctor moves off to check the fault locator.) BARBARA: Oh I do wish he wouldn't talk in riddles! IAN: So do I. Susan perhaps you can help us? SUSAN: I just know that the most dangerous moment is at the point of materialisation. BARBARA: Nothing's ever happened to us before. SUSAN: Well the doors have never opened like that before. (The Doctor returns to the Console Room from the fault locator.) DOCTOR: Well, happily no harm's been done. It's most puzzling. Oh my dear Barbara was I rude to you just now? If so, I'm so sorry. I-I always forget the niceties under pressure. Please forgive me. BARBARA: There's nothing to forgive. DOCTOR: Thank you. Hm.. Hah! (He moves to the console.) DOCTOR: Well I suppose everything's alright. And yet, er... See the temperature there is perfectly...it's quite safe to go outside. Oh Susan, just turn on the scanner a minute, let's try and see where we are. (Susan moves to operate the scanner control, and they all look up at the scanner. With a brittle crack, it shatters from the inside out, belching thick black smoke from within the broken shards that used to be the screen. Barbara is shocked, but Ian seems more amused.) BARBARA: Doctor! IAN: Perhaps you need a new tube Doctor? DOCTOR: Did you notice the way it blew out? BARBARA: It was like an internal explosion. DOCTOR: Yes, like, like ehh...something too big for it's frame! (The Doctor gestures wildly to emphasise the point he's trying to make.) BARBARA: Yes. DOCTOR: And yet, I don't know... That can't be right! IAN: What do we do now Doctor? Take the scanner out and strip it down? DOCTOR: Oh no no no, dear boy. No, it's most puzzling of course, but now don't know what's behind those doors. BARBARA: Well we must go outside and look. You said it was quite safe... (The Doctor seems lost in thought.) DOCTOR: Yes...I wonder why the..? Well, we must see. SUSAN: Shall I open the doors Grandfather? DOCTOR: Er, yes please Susan. But all of you, cautiously please! (Susan throws the door control and follows Barbara outside leaving Ian and the Doctor alone for a few moments.) IAN: Doctor, what made the doors open before? DOCTOR: The space pressure was far too great whilst we were materialising. The strange thing is that we all came out of it unscathed! Hah, it's, it's most puzzling, it's a big mystery my boy, come along... (They exit the TARDIS.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4, EXT: MAIN CLEARING (The ship stands in a clearing next to a sheer face of rock of a considerable height. To the left and right two paths snake away as if a gorge had been jaggedly cut through the centre of the rock with an implement that has scored the stone considerably. The sky above is a pleasant eggshell blue and the air ripples with a pleasant mid-summer heat. Barbara and Susan are examining the rock face closely when the others join them.) BARBARA: It's like a mountain pass or something. DOCTOR: Now why wouldn't the scanner show us all this mm? IAN: Perhaps that was the only damage to the ship, Doctor. Overloading on the scanner circuits. DOCTOR: Yes, I suppose so it could be... (The Doctor notices their surroundings for the first time.) DOCTOR: What a strange rock formation! IAN: Yes, it is, isn't it? (The Doctor and Ian move closer to where Susan and Barbara are examining the rock.) BARBARA: There are two different types of rock. Doctor? DOCTOR: Mm? BARBARA: Look... This is ordinary stone up here, but this down here seems to be quite different. DOCTOR: Chesterton, here. Come here, look here. Is that cement? Heh. IAN: Might be. (He touches the layer of stone at the base of the face of rock.) DOCTOR: Rather a rough kind isn't it? IAN: Mn, very rough. They look like pebbles of sand don't they? DOCTOR: Yes, yes as a matter of fact it's in a way to hold the stone in place. You know to fix it firmly beneath! SUSAN: I would have thought the stone was heavy enough to keep itself in place. DOCTOR: Yes, it's all most odd isn't it? Most odd... Now Barbara, I suggest that you and I take that path, and Susan and you sir, er, go that way, mm? IAN: Yes alright, but stay within calling distance, and you see anything sing out. We'll do the same. DOCTOR: Yes, yes, yes... Mmm. (He frowns, deep in thought, then moves off.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5, EXT: EASTERN PATHWAY (The rock pathway widens out a little and the Doctor stops to give Barbara an impromptu geology lecture.) DOCTOR: Mm... (He stoops to examine one of the towering stone edifices that tower around them.) DOCTOR: Now take this rock here, it's most extraordinary... (Barbara wanders off and as she rounds a bend she comes face to face with a giant pink expanse of skin draping down across the rock face like an absurd bloated hoover pipe. She recoils slightly, but as it appears to be immobile she doesn't make a move to escape.) BARBARA: Doctor! Doctor, it's a huge snake! DOCTOR: What, eh? BARBARA: Let's call the others. (Barbara moves to go back the way they came, but is stopped by the Doctor.) DOCTOR: Oh, er, wait wait wait... Yes, I-I I think it's dead. BARBARA: What a fantastic size! DOCTOR: No eyes no head, it seems though. It's skin is interesting isn't it? BARBARA: Interesting? DOCTOR: Yes, it's er, so dull and pink. BARBARA: Doctor, Doctor, are you sure it isn't just sleeping? DOCTOR: Oh no no no, it's quite dead, no-no. Death you see has it's own particular posture and appearance. Yes yes, well, let's go a bit further. BARBARA: Yes... (They continue on their way, Barbara a little more uncertain...) [SCENE_BREAK] 6, EXT: WESTERN PATHWAY IAN: Warm isn't it? (Ian looks cautiously about as if expecting to be descended upon by hordes of savage aliens.) SUSAN: Yes. (Susan skips ahead and examines something on the ground.) SUSAN: Ian! Look at this. (Ian bends down to see what Susan is gesturing to. It is a large white cylindrical object with rounded ends as large as a rugby ball.) IAN: That's odd. (He laughs.) I suppose it couldn't be an egg, hah. Not that size. (He picks it up.) SUSAN: There are more of them over there, look. IAN: Yeah. Ostrich? (Susan shrugs.) IAN: It would have been rounder than this. SUSAN: There are dozens of them over here! There's a whole pile of them! (She follows the trail of cylinders to a main pile that leads up an incline in the path leading to a hole in the rock. As she looks up she comes face to face with an insect the size of a dog. The creature is lying contorted, it's head inclined tautly to an angle, under the immobile body it's legs are clutching a single egg to it's body emphasising it's final failed task.) SUSAN: Oh! Ian, Ian! (Ian rushes to her side and looks.) SUSAN: It is dead isn't it? IAN: Yes. It's dead alright - stiff as a poker. What a fantastic size! SUSAN: Yes. IAN: It's a giant ant. SUSAN: It is like it isn't he? It looks as if it was trying to carry these eggs. IAN: Yes, well that's natural behaviour for an ant, when it's attacked, take the eggs to safety. The worker ant would give his life rather than abandon the eggs you know... SUSAN: Well he couldn't have had much of a chance could he? (Ian gives her a serious look.) SUSAN: I mean he must have died quickly. IAN: Yeah... All these eggs scattered about. Other ants must have been frightened away. I wonder what sort of a world could produce an insect that size? (They both spare a last glance back towards the ill-fated creature before moving on.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7, EXT: EASTERN PATHWAY (The Doctor is still examining the large pink creature, but has unearthed a pointed tail.) DOCTOR: Well here we are then, this is the tail end of it, and I know what it is. It's a huge earthworm. (He puffs his chest out, seemingly delighted to be able to show off away from the science teacher.) BARBARA: What?! (The Doctor chuckles at Barbara's reaction.) DOCTOR: Yes, there are no earthworms this size on your planet. BARBARA: You're right there aren't! DOCTOR: You know except for it's size, I would swear that it came from your world. However, lets..er, let's go on. Come along. BARBARA: It's like a maze really. All these channels. DOCTOR: Yeh. BARBARA: We must be careful not to get lost. DOCTOR: Oh no, we won't, no. And I'm determined not to go back until we have discovered something more definite. At the moment we only have one phenomenon, and this mystery. BARBARA: What mystery? DOCTOR: Well, all this, maze you're talking about, you know. I admit it's all a bit haphazard, but it seems to have some kind of a pattern about it, and this pattern suggests to me that there's a brain with a purpose behind it all, Hm. Come along. (The Doctor strides forward relishing every moment of his chance to act like an old fashioned explorer.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8, EXT: WESTERN PATHWAY SUSAN: Ian I counted six of those dead ants. IAN: Yes, I know. They're all about us, everywhere. Now this is really baffling! (Blocking the path is a large tatty packet of seeds.) SUSAN: A huge picture of Night Scented Stock! IAN: Yes it is, but why put up a picture of it? I don't get it. Ah, some writing there... "Alf's Seed Company, Norwich!" SUSAN: Norwich! That's England isn't it? Norfolk! IAN: Yes, it is. Susan, this means we're on Earth! (He stiffens, remembering their situation.) IAN: Something's very odd here, first those ants, now this. I suppose it couldn't be part of a crazy exhibition, you know where everything had been increased in size? [SCENE_BREAK] 9, EXT: EASTERN PATHWAY (The Doctor comes across a wooden beam balanced against a rock face.) DOCTOR: Well now, this is interesting. This has been cut by a manufacturer. (The Doctor reaches out to touch the rough wood, but as he does so the beam topples over.) DOCTOR: Look out! I... (Barbara dodges the falling beam.) DOCTOR: Are you alright? BARBARA: Yes, fine. DOCTOR: If you'd been anywhere near that it would have given you a nasty headache! BARBARA: Yes... Hey, look at the end of that, it's all charred! DOCTOR: Yes, you can see quite clearly what this is. It's a matchstick. BARBARA: Well it certainly looks like one. DOCTOR: No, it just doesn't look like one, it is a matchstick. BARBARA: What, that size?! DOCTOR: Don't you see, that huge earthworm and now this? Can't you see what's happened Mm? [SCENE_BREAK] 10, EXT: WESTERN PATHWAY IAN: I don't understand this at all Susan. I'm going to have a look around the other side of this. SUSAN: Alright. (Ian walks around the packet of seeds and emerges from one side of the rock pathway to a churned mud side channel. Just past the back of the packet is an open box of matches as big as a wardrobe.) IAN: Look at this matchbox! (Ian climbs into the box.) IAN: It must be an exhibition Susan, something like the world fair. Things this size... SUSAN: No Ian. IAN: Well what else? look at the scale of things! SUSAN: You're wrong Ian, completely wrong! I-I thought just now that something was wrong when I saw that, but now I'm sure. IAN: Alright, what's your theory then? (Ian balances himself on the top of the matchbox with his legs dangling inside.) SUSAN: That these things haven't been made bigger, we've been made smaller! [SCENE_BREAK] 11, EXT: EASTERN PATHWAY (Barbara looks at the Doctor as if he's mad.) BARBARA: Smaller?! DOCTOR: We have been reduced roughly to the size of an inch! [SCENE_BREAK] 12, EXT: WESTERN PATHWAY (Ian looks at Susan as if she's mad.) IAN: An inch?! [SCENE_BREAK] 13, EXT: EASTERN PATHWAY (The Doctor smiles and nods.) DOCTOR: Mm. You, me all of us, and the ship! [SCENE_BREAK] 14, EXT: MODEL SHOT (Micro-TARDIS sits nestled safely at the end of a twisting crazy-paving pathway that leads all the way up to a small cosy looking cottage.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15, EXT: EASTERN PATHWAY DOCTOR: We must get hold of the others quickly and return to the TARDIS! [SCENE_BREAK] 16, EXT: WESTERN PATHWAY IAN: No Susan, no. It can't be. SUSAN: I'm right Ian, I know I am. Well that's the danger Grandfather was afraid of when the doors opened. He wouldn't admit it was possible that's all. IAN: It isn't possible Susan, it's ridiculous! SUSAN: Oh Ian, work it out for yourself! The doors of TARDIS opened, that means the space pressure forced us to reduce! (A shadow falls over them and a steady clump clump can be heard. Ian and Susan look about like frightened ants, but they can see nothing in the darkness.) IAN: What's that? SUSAN: What is it? IAN: Run Susan, run! (Susan runs back behind the packet of seeds and back to the safety of the crazy paving, Ian tries to launch himself off the matchbox but instead he falls inside.) IAN: Look urgh! (Ian doesn't get up.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17, EXT: GARDEN (A man in an expensive looking suit walks along the well trimmed lawn and stops. He notices a pouch of tobacco and a matchbox lying by the side of the lawn beside it's neatly cut border to the path. He stoops, and places his briefcase on the ground, then picks up the matchbox and closes it. Picking up his briefcase again, resumes his journey down towards the cottage.) [SCENE_BREAK] 18, EXT: WESTERN PATHWAY (Susan appears from behind the packet of seeds as the giant departs with Ian in the matchbox.) SUSAN: Ian? IAN WHERE ARE YOU?!! BARBARA VO: I-AN! SU-SAN! (Susan looks around but the matchbox and Ian have gone. She turns towards the entrance to the path.) SUSAN: Oh, Barbara, BARBARA OVER HERE! (Barbara and the Doctor step from behind the packet of seeds and join a bewildered looking Susan on the verge of tears.) SUSAN: Oh Barbara! BARBARA: Susan, what's the matter? DOCTOR: What's happened? SUSAN: There was a great big matchbox, a-a-a huge one, and and Ian and I came to have a look at it, and and then he sat on it, and there was this terrible noise, and he fell inside it and now he's gone! He's gone, oh he's just vanished! (She buries her head in Barbara's chest, and Barbara embraces her.) BARBARA: It's alright, it's alright. DOCTOR: Well someone's picked it up I suppose! [SCENE_BREAK] 19, INT: MATCHBOX (Ian is being buffeted about from side to side in the dark confines of the matchbox, trying not to get injured too badly by any of the matches inside.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20, EXT: PATIO (The man in the suit walks along the patio, towards a chair, and sits down placing the matchbox, tobacco and briefcase gently onto the ground. He takes a white handkerchief from his pocket, removes his hat, and mops his brow, the balmy summer sunshine getting to him. He relaxes back in the chair and replaces his hat.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21, INT: MATCHBOX (Ian relaxes too and rubs his right shoulder tenderly, but he is still in darkness with no visible means of escape from his balsa-wood prison.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22, EXT: WESTERN PATHWAY (Susan is attempting to scale the side of a South facing paving slab.) SUSAN: We can climb this and see over the top. Oh... Oh Barbara, I can't reach it. BARBARA: It's alright, I'll do it. (Susan gets down and Barbara steps forward, but the Doctor stops her.) DOCTOR: No-no, now-now-now, please no. Let me do it, you might hurt yourself. You just rest easy, Mm? (The Doctor begins to scale the rock face with Barbara and Susan supporting him either side.) SUSAN: Oh be careful Grandfather. DOCTOR: I'm alright... Oh.. (They struggle to heave the Doctor up the side of the paving slab, finally he manages to get his head and shoulders above, and glances up.) DOCTOR: Yeah.. Well it looks a tremendous distance to me. [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to a brief shot of the house from ground level amongst blades of grass the size of small trees.) [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: There's a house over there, and there's a man sitting down reading something. It's a notebook I think. BARBARA: Did he have the matchbox? DOCTOR: How do I know?! (The Doctor begins to make his way down with the maximum of fuss all round.) BARBARA: I don't know how you know, but you surprise me sometimes. DOCTOR: Yes, I suppose so. (Halfway down, he stops and Barbara takes his hand and Susan grabs him from ground level.) DOCTOR: Look, watch what you're doing will you?! BARBARA: Look, Doctor give us some hope, I mean, Ian's inside that matchbox! DOCTOR: Gently, gently gently! (The Doctor climbs down to ground level.) DOCTOR: We've got to find Chesterton! SUSAN: But Grandfather, supposing the man walks off with the matchbox! DOCTOR: Have courage my dear! I know that all of this is a bit of a nightmare, but we've just got to get Ian back and then we can go back to the ship. SUSAN: And then can you get us back to normal size? DOCTOR: But of course, yes I'll try! There's always a chance! But first things first, we must find Chesterton, and we can't go back that way. We must go back that same way we came. (The trio heads back East towards the TARDIS.) [SCENE_BREAK] 23, EXT: PATIO (The man in the suit sits in the chair reading his notebook, he bends down and selects a cigarette from the pouch of tobacco. His gaze falls upon a red/black tortoiseshell tabby lounging on the sun soaked patio absently washing it's paws. He smiles benignly, the unlit cigarette hanging from his mouth.) FARROW: Puss-puss. Puss-puss-puss-puss. (He turns back to his notepad, and with one last glance he places it back into the briefcase. He bends down and picks up the matches and begins to open them when an arm flicks on a lighter. Farrow drops the almost open matchbox back down again and accepts the light.) FARROW: Oh hello, thank you. (He puffs on his cigarette.) It's Mr Forester isn't it? We spoke on the telephone... (Forester is dressed as neatly as Farrow, but his manner is calm, decidedly colder and a lot more businesslike. It is as if there are a great many other places he'd rather be, and he is forcing himself to be polite against his nature, in stark contrast to the cosy looking grandfatherly figure of Farrow.) FORESTER: Yes, I got here as quickly as I could. I hope you haven't taken any action yet? FARROW: Not yet, but I have written my report. FORESTER: You do realise what's at stake here Mr Farrow? The early experiments were noted by the ministry, welcomed in fact! I've already geared factories, advertising and all the rest of it to start pushing DN6. (Farrow looks genuinely saddened by this.) FARROW: I'm sorry about that, but I can't give you the approval that you want. (Forester acts like he hasn't heard Farrow.) FORESTER: We could of course spend more time on the refining... FARROW: Oh, there's much more to it than that, as I have mentioned to you on the telephone. FORESTER: You want to bring in another expert to go over the tests again? FARROW: You're not a scientist are you? Well let me put it this way. On the surface DN6 appeared to have all the characteristics of a major breakthrough in the manufacture of insecticide. Oh, and I can quite understand why you've pinned all your hopes on it. Particularly as my own minister was so enthusiastic, but the very exhaustive tests that I have made show that DN6 is totally destructive. FORESTER: Well that was the idea wasn't it? I mean, Smithers said that it will even prevent locusts from breeding... FARROW: I don't think.. FORESTER: ...Knocked them out all together. FARROW: I don't think I'm making myself quite clear. There are many insects which make a vital contribution to agriculture, and these insects must not die. Did you know that? FORESTER: Does... Smithers know about this? FARROW: Well I have expressed my doubts to him. (He sighs.) But he's so engrossed in this venture that I'll have to break the hard facts to him very gently. FORESTER: I see. You're aware of course that if it doesn't go into production I shall be completely ruined? FARROW: That is very unfortunate, but really, you should have waited till we gave you the go-ahead! FORESTER: Well that's all very well, but it doesn't help me does it? Surely we can work something out? (Forester moves closer and lowers his voice conspiratorially.) FORESTER: There's a fortune to be made out of this... FARROW: I don't think I want to go on with this conversation. Really I...shouldn't be seeing you at all, except that I did promise to you over the phone that I'd explain the facts to you in person. FORESTER: What happens now? FARROW: Well officially my holiday commenced yesterday. I've a small boat down in the Harbour and I'm going to make a tour of the rivers of France. But before I go today I shall telephone my ministry and then post them my report. FORESTER: Couldn't you leave it until you have got back from your holiday, give me a little grace? FARROW: Oh, you know I couldn't do that! FORESTER: Do you know why I am a success Mr Farrow? Because I've never allowed the word "can't" to exist, there's always a way, always! FARROW: Not this time. This isn't business, this is science, the formulae is unacceptable and I can't and I do mean can't Mr Forester, allow DN6 to go into production! Now I'll make that phone call. FORESTER: Just a moment! (Farrow turns just as Forester produces a squat black pistol from inside his jacket.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24, EXT: SOUTHERN PATHWAY (The Doctor Barbara and Susan walk along the path. Above them they hear a thrumming sound as if a small motorbike-engine powered helicopter is coming into land. All of a sudden a gargantuan bee drops out of the sky and lands in a heap by the side of the path. Susan screams, startled by the creature's sudden arrival.) SUSAN: Barbara! BARBARA: Don't move! (The Doctor holds up a hand motioning them to come no closer.) DOCTOR: Do not move. (Very slowly the Doctor approaches the huge creature, but it remains immobile where it fell.) SUSAN: Oh don't touch it! DOCTOR: I think It's dead. BARBARA: But it could still sting! DOCTOR: Mm. Hah-ha! What an awe-inspiring sight! Now what chance would human-beings have I really wonder, in a world of creatures like this bee, mm? SUSAN: None at all! DOCTOR: Little closer look... (The Doctor leans to take a closer look, with his pince-nez.) SUSAN: Well I haven't taken my eyes off it Grandfather, it hasn't even trembled. It seems you're right, it is dead. DOCTOR: The same distinctive aroma! BARBARA: Yes, I've noticed it on all the other dead things. SUSAN: Well that must be what's killing them then. DOCTOR: I wonder what would want to kill off nature like this? SUSAN: Well what worries me is all the different things it's killing. Things that fly in the air, things that move on the ground, things that move under the ground. So indiscriminate. BARBARA: Doctor? DOCTOR: Mm? BARBARA: Whatever it is that's killing these things... Could it kill us too? DOCTOR: Well, we must presume that it can. So no eating or drinking until we've done our very best to find Ian mm? (A roaring boom momentarily splits through the heady silence.) SUSAN: That's not thunder surely?! DOCTOR: It sounded more like an ancient cannon! [SCENE_BREAK] 25, EXT: PATIO (Farrow lies on the ground, his shocked face slumped indifferently into a neat flowerbed, a dark puddle beneath him slowly spreading out across the spick patio. Next to the chair his briefcase, matches and tobacco lie untouched.) [SCENE_BREAK] 26, EXT: WESTERN PATIO (Ian squeezes himself out of the partially open matchbox and moves over to investigate the body.) [SCENE_BREAK] 27, EXT: SOUTHERN PATHWAY DOCTOR: Oh, we're progressing nicely. BARBARA: I've seen a lot more of those dead ants, Doctor. DOCTOR: Yes, it's rather widespread I'm afraid. BARBARA: Oh dear, I wonder what would have happened to us if any of those creatures had still been alive? DOCTOR: Hah-ha, yes. I wonder, I wonder. [SCENE_BREAK] 28, EXT: FLOWER BED (Ian moves over to Farrow's face, and takes out a white handkerchief. He holds the handkerchief up to the mans mouth, but it doesn't move. He walks a few steps along to examine the man's eyes in a little greater detail, then returns the way he came.) [SCENE_BREAK] 29, EXT: PATIO (The cat has finished lounging in the sun, and bounds across the patio in search of a little kitty light entertainment.) [SCENE_BREAK] 30, EXT: NORTHERN PATIO DOCTOR: And you say you saw that man? IAN: Yes, he's over there. (He points North-West towards the flower bed.) BARBARA: Oh, not any further please, I'm exhausted, it's taken us ages to get here! DOCTOR: What's that smell..? Cordite...gunpowder mm? IAN: Yes...that would explain the explosion, and also the man. It's not far, come on I'll show you. (They head off across the patio towards the body.) [SCENE_BREAK] 31, EXT: PATIO (Kitty notices something interesting across the patio.) [SCENE_BREAK] 32, EXT: FLOWER BED (The TARDIS crew arrive at the face of Farrow.) [SCENE_BREAK] 33, EXT: PATIO (Kitty gazes idly on from the shadows in a little more close up now.) [SCENE_BREAK] 34, EXT: FLOWER BED (The Doctor sits down on a pebble, with his back to the lawn, while the others stand around in front of Farrow's face.) IAN: He's been shot dead. BARBARA: Are you sure he is dead? IAN: Oh yes. BARBARA: Nothing but death all around us! SUSAN: Yes, what's happening here? DOCTOR: You weren't with us Chesterton, but every insect we came across was dead. IAN: Yes, Susan and I saw a great many huge dead ants. SUSAN: Everything else was the same, Ian. DOCTOR: Yes, and we don't know what it is that killed them. But that man, he's been shot. Murdered! BARBARA: But who'd kill insects in a perfectly ordinary garden? I mean pests one can understand, but surely it's wrong to kill bees and worms and things isn't it? DOCTOR: Quite so. Both are vital to the growth of things. However, we must leave this little mystery and get back to the ship. As I said my dear, it's fortunate for all of us us that everything is dead... (Susan turns to leave and stiffens, transfixed.) SUSAN: Grandfather! (They all look up, and straight into the face of a cat the size of a house.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to the eyes of a cat staring calmly down as if attempting to work out whether it is breakfast, or lunch time...)	Plan: A: TARDIS; Q: What ship's doors open of their own accord? A: control; Q: What does the TARDIS run out of when it materializes? A: the travelers; Q: Who finds the TARDIS has been reduced in size? A: a plot; Q: What do the Doctor and his friends stumble upon when they are reduced to a tiny size? A: a ruthless businessman; Q: What is Forester? A: Smithers; Q: Who is Forester's scientist colleague? A: a new insecticide; Q: What is DN6? A: DN6 - a product; Q: What is the name of the insecticide Forester and Smithers are trying to launch? A: agriculture; Q: What industry is Forester trying to destroy with DN6? A: civil servant Arnold Farrow; Q: Who discovers that Forester is willing to commit murder to ensure the success of his business? A: The criminals; Q: Who is brought to justice when the Doctor and his friends tamper with the telephone in Smithers' laboratory? A: the insecticide - tamper; Q: What is Barbara ill from? A: the suspicions; Q: What did the Doctor and his friends' tampering with the telephone in Smithers' laboratory fuel? A: Hilda Rowse; Q: Who is the local exchange operator? A: Bert; Q: Who is Hilda Rowse's husband? Summary: The doors of the TARDIS open of their own accord just before it materialises, running out of control. On emerging, the travelers find the ship has been reduced in size and they are now only about an inch tall. As tiny people, they stumble across a plot by a ruthless businessman,Forester, and his misguided scientist colleague, Smithers, to launch a new insecticide, DN6 - a product so destructive that it would kill not only those insects harmful to agriculture but also those vital to it. Forester is willing to commit murder to ensure the success of his business, as civil servant Arnold Farrow discovers to his cost. The criminals are brought to justice when the Doctor and his friends - hampered by the fact that Barbara is ill from the insecticide - tamper with the telephone in Smithers' laboratory, fuelling the suspicions of the local exchange operator, Hilda Rowse, who sends her police constable husband Bert to investigate.
[1983; on Jerry's porch] Jerry: Barney, afraid this is good-bye. Your buzz kill of a ma... thinks I'm a... a bad influence on you. Barney: What? That's... What is that word you taught me? "Bull" something? Jerry: But she's your mother and I'm... you know, I'm just your Uncle Jerry. So, this is the last time I can see you. Barney: But you're supposed to take me to see that Zeppelin cover band next week. The night is gonna be... Led-and-Jerry. Jerry: Sorry, buddy, but this is it. But don't you forget your training. What's a magician's best friend? Barney: A drunk audience. Jerry, laughing: Attaboy. You still got that button from the festival we went to? Now... I'm gonna put this right inside your brain, behind your ear... so that I'll know that you won't forget me. See you, buddy. And hey... Never... stop... partying. Ted from 2030: Kids, in 1983, Barney watched his father walk out of his life. And in 2011, when their first reunion ended badly... [SCENE_BREAK] At Jerry's Jerry: I'd love nothing more than to be a part of your life. Ted from 2030: This time it was Barney who did the walking. Barney: Bye. Ted from 2030: And that was almost the end of it. Except, a few weeks later... At Ted's appartment (Ted, Lily, Marshall and Robin are eating chinese; Barney enters) Barney: I am so angry at my dad! Guess who called me today. Go on, guess. Marshall: Mmm. Your dad? Barney: My dad! [FLASHBACK] (Barney is at the Bar. Jerry is on his porch.) Barney: Barney Stinson. Jerry: Hi, Barney. It's your dad. Look, would you like to go fishing with me and J.J. on Sunday morning? Barney: Ooh, hold on, let me check my personality. Oh, no. Turns out I would never do that in a million years. Jerry: Barney, look... I know you're disappointed that your dad is just... a boring old driving instructor from the suburbs. But that guy I used to be... "Crazy Jerry"? He was bad news! Drinking, partying, sleeping around. The party can't go on forever. You're 35; I'm-I'm sure you're starting to realize that, right? Barney: You do not know how right you are. [END OF FLASHBACK] Barney: Zero right! We're not getting too old for anything. Ted: You sure? I feel like we collectively learn the opposite lesson, like, at least once a year. Barney: I have to face an ugly truth. Jerry Whittaker, my own father, is anti-awesome-etic. I know Crazy Jerry's still in there somewhere, but he's trapped under 20 years of lawnmower parties and carpool barbecues. Robin: Wow, you know nothing about the suburbs. Barney:Well, this Saturday night, I am bustin' him out. I'm gonna make Jerry realize he was wrong about giving up his old life by showing him the awesomest night of all time. And for the awesomest night of all time, I'm going to need the awesomest friends of all time. Okay, who do I know? Guys...! Do any of you know George Clooney? At the Bar (Barney sits down at the booth) Barney: Okay, my dad's almost here. I need everything to be as awesome as possible tonight. Lily: That's why you brought these guys. Barney:No. That's why I brought these guys. (He gets several cards out of his inside pocket) I've made some minor improvements to your identities. Uh. Mm! You'll find them on these cards. Marshall: Improvements?! Barney:Yeah. Marshall: Bro, we are already the four jiggity-jamminest dudes and dudettes this side of... Okay, let's see the cards. Barney:Robin, no one watches the news unless it's a car chase or a nip slip. You are now a professional scotch taster. Lily, Jerry needs to learn that other lifestyles are just as fulfilling as monogamy, so now you and Marshall are in an open marriage. Lily: Whoo-hoo! Marshall: Gross! Barney:Also, Marshall, you can't just be unemployed, so you are now a gin-swilling, womanizing playwright. And, Ted, just be yourself. (chuckles) Just kidding. Here's a giant pile of topics you should avoid talking about. Ted: Well. Well, this could actually be fun. In fact, I believe it was Oscar Wilde who said, "Man is least himself when he talks..." Barney:Ted, card. Ted: Ah. You're right... "No quoting Oscar Wilde." Barney:Finally... Robin, you're dating Ted. Robin: Aw, man! Why? Barney: I can't have any single female friends lying around. My dad'll be all, Why don't you marry Robin? You guys are cute together. Deep down, you know you were never happier than when you were with her. Uh... (chuckles) no, thanks. Lily: Hey, Barney... love the new identities. Little thing... instead of being a naked super ninja, can I be Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada? Ted: How good was that movie? (everyone start talking all at once) Barney: And... hence new identities. (later, still at the Bar) Ted from 2030: And so Barney's dad finally showed up. (Jerry arrives) Barney: Jerry, you remember Marshall... he's a well-known writer. Marshall: Playwright. We're all writers, just some of us don't know what our story is yet. Barney: Lily, his wife. Lily: Well, most nights. Mama don't let no ring get in the way of a good time. Jerry: That's... a little depressing. Ted: Uh, hi again. Ted. Oh, and, Jerry, you remember my girlfriend. Robin: Robin. Hi. So nice to see you again. Barney: Wait, wait. Jerry, I got to tell you the truth. Guys, I'm gonna tell him. We're also a band. At Ted's appartment ROBIN: Two, three, four! [OPENING CREDIT sang and played by the HIMYM gang] At the Bar Jerry: So, Saturday night... time to cut loose, right? Who wants to split a beer? Barney: Oh, we're not drinking here. Tonight we're going big. Let's see, what club should we hit first? There's Club Was, there's Wrong... Marshall: Um, those places shut down a long time ago. Barney: Oh, no. Marshall: Oh, No shut down, too. Ted: There's Where? Jerry: Where's Where? Lily: Where's where Was was, isn't it? Barney: No, Was wasn't where Where was, Was was where Wrong was, right? Jerry: Okay. Ted: Not Okay. That place is lame. Robin: Okay is Lame? I thought Lame was a gay bar. Or is that Wrong? Marshall: That's wrong. That's not Wrong. Barney: Guys, focus. Robin: Oh, I like Focus. Let's go there. Ted: Where? Robin: Not Where. Focus. Lily: I thought Focus was closed. Barney: No, Was was Closed. Once Was shut down, it reopened as Closed. Marshall: So Closed is open. Robin: No, Closed is closed. Jerry: I don't know. Third base! Right? Robin: Ew, Third Base is all frat guys. Jerry: I'll go anyplace, okay? Ted: Not Okay. Okay is lame. Robin: Okay is not Lame. Lame is a gay bar. Lily: Guys, shut up. Barney: No, Shut up shut down. I can't believe I don't know the clubs anymore. Marshall: Guys, just pick a club, okay? Ted: Not Okay! All: Okay is Lame! Gay bar. Marshall: For the record, I was in there once by accident. I'm pretty sure it's pronounced Lamé. Barney: It's hopeless, isn't it? At Hopeless (dance music playing) Marshall: Wow. A lot of these girls are young enough to be our daughters. Barney: I know. Daddy's home. And Granddaddy's home! Tonight rocks so hard! Jerry: I might be allergic to this stamp. Robin: Oh, my God, my secret crush is here. Lily: Mila Kunis?! Robin: No, my secret crush. We met a few years ago. [FLASHBACK] (In a shop) Man: Hi. I could use a woman's opinion. Is this working for me? Robin: Uh... no. (laughs) The only good thing about how ugly that shirt is, is that it distracts from how terribly it fits you. Man: I was trying on the pants. Robin: Oh. (Laughs) [END OF FLASHBACK] Robin: I had to leave before we could finish talking, so that was it. You know, ever since then, I've always... Oh, my God, he's coming over here. Oh. Hello. Man: Hi. A few years ago at a department store... did you embarrass the hell out of me? Robin: Oh, I'm sorry, you must have me confused with the shirt you were wearing that day. Man: I should be so lucky. (Ted pops in) Ted: Hi! I'm Ted! Robin's boyfriend! Nice to meet you. Man: Right. Um... it was really nice to see you again. Robin: Mm-hmm. You, too. Man: Yeah. (Ted pats Robin twice) Ted, whispering to Robin: You owe me one. Barney: Man, isn't this place great? Jerry: Uh, I don't know. It's so loud! Marshall: And so bourgeois. Many of plays are about the bourgeois. And ennui. And one rock opera about... a frozen yogurt shop. Barney: Uh, L-Lily, uh, talk about your open marriage. Lily: Okay. Well, after a long day of style meetings and photo shoots and being way too mean to my assistant, I sometimes bang an underwear model. Jerry: My goodness! Marshall: I sleep around, too. Just as much. A little more, even. Lily: Oh, uh, only 'cause you have nothing to do all day. Marshall: Are we having this fight again? Writing plays is a real job! Lily: I work 90 hours a week subsidizing your "real job." Marshall: I won a Tony! Lily: I brought French cooking to America! Marshall: What? Barney: Let's do shots. Jerry: Uh, no, thank you, Barney. I have that fishing trip with J.J. early tomorrow. I... I better take it easy. Barney: No. Don't you remember what you said to me when I was a kid? "Never stop partying." Jerry, looking horrified: I said that? To a six-year-old? I don't remember that. Barney: You don't remember the last thing you said to me when I was a kid? Well... you know, why don't you just go back home? Jerry: But I want to hang out with you. Barney: Yeah, well, I want to hang out with Crazy Jerry, not Stay-at-Home Jerome. Jerry: Fine. You want Crazy Jerry? (He drinks four shots) There! You got him! I apologize... it might take a few minutes to kick in. All: Oh... [SCENE_BREAK] (Later...) Jerry: Hey, sugar! Five beers for the table, a Seven-and-Seven for me, and your ten digits for this guy here! Tonight Crazy Jerry's gonna burn this disco down! Whoo! Wa-hah! Barney: Can you believe it? This is awesome! Robin: Barney, how is that awesome? Barney: I finally know what it's like to be embarrassed by my dad. Marshall: So you really believe that if we were in an open marriage that you would do better than me? Lily: Hey, you do better than me at a lot of other things, like digesting dairy... and reaching for stuff. Marhsall: Okay, you know what? Game on. If I can score five numbers before you can, then we have sx in the bathroom. But... if you can score five numbers before me, then we have sx in the bathroom. Lily: So our usual wager. Deal. Barney: Hey, uh, hey, Jerry, y... you really want to be out here like this? Jerry: Oh, sorry, small-town preacher from the Midwest, is there a law against dancing? Barney: No, of course not. I... I just... Jerry: Oh, this club blows. Let's hit the greatest party in the world, the streets of New York! Barney: Yeah! Let's do it! Uh, maybe fix the tie. But mostly, party! (Barney and Jerry leave) Robin: Okay, Jerry's gone; Let's break up. Ted: Okay. "I would have stolen you a whole orchestra." There. What's the rush? Robin: Well, that guy who came over here who thinks we're dating, I kind of have a crush on him. Can you help me clear it up? Ted: Really? That guy? He was, like, a four. Robin: A four? God, you are, like, the worst judge of guys ever. Okay, if he is a four, what are you? Ted: Hey! I'm not perfect; I'm an eight... and a half. Robin: You're a doofus and a half. Ted: Fine. Let's go talk to him. Where'd you meet this booger-eater anyway? Robin: At a close-out sale at Dawes. Ted: Really? I remember that sale. [FLASHBACK] Ted: Hey, Robin. Robin: Oh, Ted. Oh, no. Ted: Look what I just bought. Right? Right? (He is wearing the Red Boots) [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: Hold on. We were dating then. I specifically remember, because we had great sx that night. Great sx. [FLASHBACK] Ted: Let me guess. Someone wants to knock... boots. Boots. (imitating gunshots) Robin: Just take off your damn shirt. Okay. Ted: All right. Robin: All right. Whoa, stop. Ted: What? Robin: Stop. Perfect. Ted: But I... I can't see, and you can't see me. Robin: Yeah. Yeah, just like that. [END OF FLASHBACK] Ted: You were picturing your crush! Robin: Well, somebody had to. Ted: Okay, okay, answer me this. Are you absolutely sure it had nothing whatsoever... to do with the boots? Robin: Yes. Ted, loudly: You hear that, everybody? She said "yes"! We're getting married! (Ted chuckles) I love this girl. I'm never letting her go. In the streets of New York Jerry: Hey... Bottoms up, amigo! Ted from 2030: After that, Barney's memory of the night got a little hazy. Jerry, to a big tattoed biker: You want to fight me? Well, I'll fight you, dummy! You don't even know! Barney: (laughing): Hey, hey! There we go! (Jerry is trying to rip out a parkmeter) Jerry: Oh, look what I just ripped out of the ground! Barney: Oh...! Jerry: I just puked on the hood of that... police car! (Laughing) (both laughing) Jerry: Too bad your playwright friend isn't a lawyer. Barney, I'm so sorry. I'm afraid this is what it's like hanging out with Crazy Jerry. Barney: It's okay, Dad. I never thought tonight would be so awesome! So... next stop, strip club. The Lusty Leopard has a special... Jerry: Oh, for corn's sake, Barney, I'm not drunk! Barney: What? Jerry: I told you, I don't party anymore, and you wouldn't take no for an answer. So... I used a little... sleight-of-hand... to make you think otherwise. [FLASHBACK] (Jerry substitutes a bottle of milk for a bottle of alcohol and hands out the alcohol bottle to Barney) Jerry: Here you go. Barney, laughing: Whoa! Jerry: Bottoms up, amigo! [END OF FLASHBACK] Barney: But all those crazy things you did. Jerry: Do you happen to remember what a magician's best friend is? Barney: A drunk audience. [FLASHBACK] Jerry, to a dummy wearing a biker outfit: You want to fight me? Well, I'll fight you, dummy! Barney: No, no, no. You don't even know! Right here! Jerry: Look. Look what I just ripped out of the ground! Barney: Oh...! (Barney is groaning, wiping his mouth with his hand) Barney: What just happened? Jerry: I... I just puked on the hood of that... (siren blares)...police car. [END OF FLASHBACK] Barney: Well, why do all those things? Jerry: I figured if I showed you what... "never stop partying" really looked like, you'd realize you can't do it forever. (sighs heavily) Oh, well. Barney: You lied to me all night for your own selfish reasons? Daddy...! Jerry: I wanted to hang out with you... you're my son. And since you didn't want to come with me and J.J. On that fishing tri... Fishing trip. I'll never make it back in time now. Barney: Hey, you know, a... a pretty good magician like you probably knows how to, say, get out of a standard set of handcuffs. Jerry: Perhaps. Barney: Well, here's something you didn't know... I'm a pretty good magician, too. (They escape and run away) Abracadabra! At Hopeless Woman: Congratulations! Robin: Oh, hey! Thank you so much. We're super excited. We're thinking June. (laughs) Yeah, okay. Okay, jerk, do you remember how you ended up buying those red cowboy boots? [FLASHBACK] Ted, chuckling: Wow. Wardrobe malfunction at the O.K. Corral! I mean, who in their right mind would ever... Woman: You would look so totally hot in those. Ted: Do you have these in a size 11? [END OF FLASHBACK] Robin: So get off the field at the Superdome, because you ain't no saint. Marshall: Hello. Robin: I, uh... Oh. Marshall: Hi, Robin. Could I have your phone number? Outside, between two cars Barney: We need someplace to hide. Jerry: Where? Barney: No, Jerry, this is not the time to go to another club! We've got to get you back home in time for that trip. But there's no more trains, there's no cabs. Jerry: Well, uh... I do have a few driving students in the city. In a car (An old driving student of Jerry is driving the car, Jerry is in the passanger seat, Barney is at the back) Barney: Step on it! Jerry... Jerry: Do not step on it. Barney: Jerry, we have got to get you home in time for that fishing trip. Jerry: The laws are there to protect... Barney: This is no time for laws! Jerry: Buckle up, Barney. Barney: I am not going to buckle up! Jerry: I am your father! You will listen to me! At Hopeless Ted: Hey! How's the open marriage going? Who was the first one to get the five numbers? Lily: I won that race. My prize... s*x in the bathroom. Marshall: And I won that race. In the streets of New York (The gang is going back home) Lily: Aw, sorry that secret crush didn't work out for you. Robin: Oh, it's okay. I guess it just wasn't meant to be. Lily: Why are you smiling? Robin: I don't know. Good night. In the same street Man, on the phone: Saw that girl again. And guess what? She's engaged. So that's the end of that. Ted from 2030: It wasn't the end of that. More on that later Man: And her fiancé? The guy's like a two. In the car Barney: How did you do it? Jerry: Do what? Barney: How did you become this? I mean, I love my life, but... I'm not sure I like loving it. Sure, strip clubs... Jerry: You're drifting. Barney: Hey, I'm trying to open up to you... Jerry: No, Mrs. Perkins, you're drifting! Go on, Barney. Barney: When I think about going for anything more than that, I look at my life, and who I am, and... I'm too far gone. I'm broken. Jerry: Son, I was far more broken than you'll ever be. And look at me now. Don't get me wrong... settling down is... a challenge. It's the biggest challenge of your life. Barney:So how do you do it? Jerry: A magician never reveals his greatest trick. But I'll give you a hint. You gotta meet the right girl. Who knows? Maybe you'll meet her tomorrow. Barney:Maybe I've met her already. Jerry: And park. And emergency brake. I did have a good time tonight. And hey, if you want to go fishing, we got room in the boat. Barney:Maybe some other time. Jerry: Okay. Oh, and, uh... thanks for taking such good care of this. It means a lot to me that you kept it safe all these years. (Jerry leaves the car and goes home) Barney:I'm going fishing with my dad. Later, in a boat, in the middle of a lake, Jerry, JJ and Barney are fishing quietly... (Barney inhales deeply, exhales) Barney: This... sucks.	Plan: A: his father; Q: Who does Barney want to bond with? A: Barney; Q: Who asks the gang to embellish their histories with him? A: fake details; Q: What does Barney ask the gang to add to their histories with him? A: Robin; Q: Who runs into a guy she had a crush on when she and Ted were dating? Summary: In an attempt to bond with his father, Barney asks the gang to embellish their histories with him by adding fake details to their lives. Robin runs into a guy she had a crush on when she and Ted were dating.
The War Games By Malcolm Hulke and Terrance Dicks 5:15pm - 5:40pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1, INT: SMYTHE'S ROOM (A SIDRAT Appears and a couple of guards exit. Two men rush to block the door, but are gunned down.) [SCENE_BREAK] 2, INT: DRAWING ROOM (From down behind a table Jamie and Russell fire a few shots. The guards move into the room and spray their lethal stun-gun fire around. As the Security-Chief makes for the processing machine, the Doctor tries to stop him.) SECURITY-CHIEF: Stop! Take him! (The Doctor gets roughly grabbed by the guards as the Security Chief scoops up the machine.) DOCTOR: Oh-argh! Oh-oh! No! Oh-oh! (Carstairs raises his weapon, but Jamie places a hand on it.) JAMIE: Don't shoot you'll hi..you might hit the Doctor! [SCENE_BREAK] 3, INT: SMYTHE'S ROOM (The Doctor is bundled into the SIDRAT which vanishes. They all stand looking at the space where the SIDRAT once was.) CARSTAIRS: Gad! [SCENE_BREAK] 4, INT: LANDING BAY (SIDRAT appears and the door opens, four guards surround the Doctor and aim their weapons.) DOCTOR: Oh, don't worry, I'm not going to hurt you. (They lead him away and the Security Chief emerges with the processing machine.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5, INT: SMYTHE'S ROOM CARSTAIRS: Should have been prepared for it! JAMIE: It's no good talking about what we should have done! Zoe, can you work that stuff to get another one of those things to arrive here? RUSSELL: Not on your life! You call one of those things it'll be full of guards! They may have taken one anyway. CARSTAIRS: Sergeant? Do you have any explosives? RUSSELL: Got some dynamite, sir. CARSTAIRS: Right, we'll put some here, where the thing lands. ZOE: But if you blow this place up you'll destroy the time-barrier equipment, and then their troops will be able to get in. RUSSELL: Yes, she's right. But we can keep the place guarded. You, get a machine gun and get it set up in here. (The soldier doesn't move.) RUSSELL: Right come on! (Both Russell and the soldier move out.) JAMIE: That's all very well, but it's not going to get the Doctor back is it? [SCENE_BREAK] 6, INT: WAR ROOM (The War Lord is examining the processing machine for signs of damage.) SECURITY-CHIEF: The prisoner is in the security room awaiting interrogation. WAR-LORD: Good, a very successful venture. Congratulations. SECURITY-CHIEF: Thank you. WAR-LORD: Give it to the scientist, he will return to the home planet and have it mass produced. SECURITY-CHIEF: Very well. WAR-CHIEF: The interrogation of that resistance leader might prove difficult. WAR-LORD: Why? WAR-CHIEF: He is obviously a man of substantial intellect, he will need special treatment. WAR-LORD: Then you must see he gets it, mustn't you? WAR-CHIEF: I will! [SCENE_BREAK] 7, INT: SECURITY ROOM (The Doctor is sitting calmly in the chair with his eyes closed as the Security Chief uses the interrogation machine on him.) SECURITY-CHIEF: Answer me! You must answer. Admit that the War Chief sent you here. You are both of the same race. Your arrival here is part of a plot to betray us to the Time Lords. Answer! (The Doctor remains steadfast, so the Security Chief twists the knob on the side of the interrogator a little more.) SECURITY-CHIEF: You will answer me now, or I will destroy your mind totally! [SCENE_BREAK] 8, INT: SMYTHE'S ROOM (Russell watches two Confederates as they struggle with a machine gun placed upon a stack of munitions boxes.) RUSSELL: Right lads, now see that this place is guarded at all times. (He strides out.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9, INT: DRAWING ROOM (Carstairs sits at a table poring over a map as Russell joins him, stomping to attention.) RUSSELL: Machine gun set up. (Carstairs doesn't look up.) CARSTAIRS: Fine. (Jamie walks over.) JAMIE: Aye, maybe now you'll do something about getting the Doctor back? RUSSELL: I've got more than your friend the Doctor to worry about, lad! JAMIE: Now look, we can't just leave him you know! RUSSELL: If there was any way of helping him I would! ZOE: We must carry out the Doctor's plan, that's the best way we can help him. CARSTAIRS: How far did you two get with contacting the other resistance groups? RUSSELL: Not very far sir, the attack on this place got in the way. CARSTAIRS: Yeah. ZOE: We sent out guards to contact the other resistance groups, the ones we couldn't reach. RUSSELL: Can you remember their names? ZOE: There's Marcus Octavius from the Roman Zone, Arturo Villar from the Mexican Civil War Zone, Ivan Petrov from the Crimean war Zone... RUSSELL: Yes alright, alright, I believe you. ZOE: And I can remember the locations of all their camps too. RUSSELL: Arturo Villar... Now he's the one we've got to convince. JAMIE: Arturo Villar? Well what's so special about him? RUSSELL: He's got one of the biggest resistance groups I know about. Bandits most of 'em. (The sound of a SIDRAT materialising galvanises them into action, Russell rushes into the other room.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10, INT: SMYTHES'S ROOM RUSSELL: Right lads, now don't fire until the door opens. (The door of the box scrapes opens and a guard exits the machine.) RUSSELL: Fire! (The machine gun chatters away and the guard drops. The door to the machine closes.) RUSSELL: Hold it! (A few quiet seconds pass and the door opens again. A sneaky stun-gun pokes out the gap, firing a burst at the resistance men. Russell manages to dodge to the side, but the soldiers fall down dead. Incensed, Russell grabs the machine gun from where it is placed, and rushes to protect the doorway to the drawing room. Carstairs joins him.) RUSSELL: Get back! (Ignoring him, Carstairs skips up to the door, and in a sneakier move, he pulls a grenade from his belt and tosses through the doorway of the machine. Carstairs and Russell jump back as a boom and a wisp of smoke come from inside the SIDRAT. The door lamely closes and it vanishes into the ether.) RUSSELL: Well they won't try that again in a hurry. CARSTAIRS: Phwoar. Soldier get him out of here. Sergeant, get another machine-gunner in here. [SCENE_BREAK] 11, INT: DRAWING ROOM (Jamie has a rifle raised in anticipation of another pitch battle.) JAMIE: What happened? RUSSELL: It's alright, panic's over. (Jamie lowers the weapon.) RUSSELL: Zoe, you'd better...better hurry with those resistance names, if you would. ZOE: Alright. JAMIE: What're...what're you gonna do then? RUSSELL: We've gotta round 'em all up. Get 'em here for a meeting. JAMIE: Oh, let's go then. RUSSELL: Not you, Jamie. JAMIE: Eh? RUSSELL: Someone's gotta be in charge here. JAMIE: Me? RUSSELL: Yes lad, you. (As he walks away Jamie begins to grin.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12, INT: SECURITY ROOM (The Doctor is still being probed by the Security Chief.) SECURITY-CHIEF: Admit it, the War Chief sent for you. (He twiddles the knob on the interrogator a little more.) SECURITY-CHIEF: At this volume your mind will only last for fifteen minutes; thirty if you are lucky! Now admit that the War Chief sent for you! WAR-CHIEF: Are you trying to kill him? (The Security Chief removes the helmet.) SECURITY-CHIEF: I am trying to get the truth out of him. WAR-CHIEF: You'll never make him talk that way. SECURITY-CHIEF: You are very sure. WAR-CHIEF: He is one of my own race, your truth machine cannot work on us if we choose to resist. SECURITY-CHIEF: You admit it then, you do know him? WAR-CHIEF: Of course I do. And only I can deal with him - release him! SECURITY-CHIEF: He is my prisoner! WAR-CHIEF: But I am your superior. (The Security Chief undoes the clamps and stands back.) WAR-CHIEF: You and I are going to talk alone. DOCTOR: I have nothing to say to you. WAR-CHIEF: We shall see. Guards take this prisoner to the war room. SECURITY-CHIEF: You have no right to interrupt my interrogation! WAR-CHIEF: Your interrogation had been completely unsuccessful! I have methods of my own. (He strides out of the room. The Security Chief waits for a moment, then ascends the second level and taps an intercom.) SECURITY-CHIEF: I want to speak to the War Lord on the top security channel. [SCENE_BREAK] 13, INT: WAR ROOM (The War Chief glares at a technician.) WAR-CHIEF: See I am not interrupted. (The Technician and two guards exit, but one technician stays at his post.) WAR-CHIEF: You also, outside! (He waits until the room is empty.) WAR-CHIEF: You may have changed your appearance, but I know who you are. DOCTOR: Oh do you? WAR-CHIEF: Your machine is a TARDIS. You're too familiar with it's controls to be a stranger. DOCTOR: I had every right to leave. WAR-CHIEF: Stealing a TARDIS? Oh I'm not criticising you, we are two of a kind. DOCTOR: We most certainly are not! WAR-CHIEF: We were both Time Lords and we both decided to leave our race. DOCTOR: I had reasons of my own. WAR-CHIEF: Just as I had. DOCTOR: Your reasons are only too obvious - power! WAR-CHIEF: How much have you learnt of our plans? DOCTOR: I know you've been kidnapping soldiers from the Earth from various times in it's history and bringing them here to kill one another. WAR-CHIEF: But do you realise our ultimate objectives? DOCTOR: No objective can justify such slaughter! WAR-CHIEF: The war games on this planet are simply a means to an end. The aliens intend to conquer the entire galaxy. A thousand inhabited worlds. DOCTOR: Yes, but why choose the people of the Earth? WAR-CHIEF: They are the most suitable recruits for our armies. Man is the most vicious species of all. DOCTOR: Well that simply isn't true! WAR-CHIEF: Hmph. Consider their history; for a half a million years they have been systematically killing each other. Now we can turn this savagery to some purpose. We can bring peace to the galaxy - and you can help. You see, I'm not the cold-hearted villain you suppose me to be. My motives are purely peaceful. [SCENE_BREAK] 14, INT: DRAWING ROOM (Jamie places a jacket around Zoe as she lies dozing over a table. A great war soldier on guard yawns in his seat, his rifle on his lap. Another guard droops in his seat, when out of nowhere he is clubbed unconscious. The yawner looks around, then closes his eyes, only to snap awake to the feeling of a rifle jammed up against his chest. A chubby man in scruffy clothing, a rough beard and a large round sombrero walks through the French windows with a revolver held in front of him. He walks over to where Zoe is sleeping.) ZOE: Jamie... (She raises her head and looks at the stranger curiously.) ZOE: Wha? (The Mexican claps a hand over her mouth.) VILLAR: You don't speak. Make no noise, y'understand? (He removes his hand.) VILLAR: This man Russell, where is he? ZOE: Who are you? VILLAR: Arturo Villar! ZOE: Well why didn't you tell us you were coming? VILLAR: Traps are for animals to fall into. Hey get these men rations - and no tricks! My men surround this place. ZOE: Well I think you might as well have a... VILLAR: Women should never think! For such a little woman your mouth is too big! Get rations. (He motions with his gun.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15, INT: SMYTHE'S ROOM (Zoe tiptoes into the room where Jamie is sleeping.) ZOE: Jamie? JAMIE: Mm? Something happened? ZOE: I'll say it has! Arturo Villar has arrived with all his bandits, and he's surrounded the Headquarters. JAMIE: Has he now? Soon sort him out! ZOE: Oh Jamie, no! They'd shoot you as soon as look at you! JAMIE: Eh, I-I thought they were supposed to be on our side? ZOE: Well he is; well he will be if we can persuade him to join us. JAMIE: Well didn't you explain to him? ZOE: Well yes I tried, but he wouldn't listen. Got rather primitive ideas about women knowing their place. JAMIE: Has he now? Oh, sounds like a nice chap. (He chuckles.) ZOE: Jamie this is no laughing matter. We've got to persuade him to stay here until Russell gets back. JAMIE: Well look if he won't listen to you, he's not going to... ZOE: No, not to me, but... Quickly over here, I've got an idea. JAMIE: Zoe, what are you doing? ZOE: Jamie come on! [SCENE_BREAK] 16, INT: DRAWING ROOM (Villar is slouching on a desk, eating some food from a tin pot with his fingers. Zoe enters and clears her throat, but he doesn't look up from his meal.) VILLAR: Well? Where is this Russell? ZOE: He's not here. VILLAR: Then I go! (He jumps up, casually tossing the pot to the floor with a clatter.) ZOE: Erm...wait! I think perhaps you'd better meet our other leader. VILLAR: Ah? Who is this? (She peers into the room.) ZOE: Jamie! (She gives Villar a winning smile.) ZOE: Our leader, James Robert McCrimmon! (A curiously different Jamie stumbles out of the room, weighed down by belts of bullets from which hang suspended grenades. On his head he has jammed a peaked cap that was probably stolen from Smythe's top drawer. He stands and faces Villar trying to look menacing. Villar takes one look and bursts out laughing, then grabs Jamie by the hand pumping it vigorously.) VILLAR: Salut! JAMIE: Oh, how do you do... Ooh-ow-ow-ooh! (Villar releases his hand and Jamie rubs his shoulder.) VILLAR: So, you call everyone huh? Why? Maybe you plan to take over my territory, huh? JAMIE: Oh no-no. No, it's nothing like that, no. Uh... (Zoe whispers to him.) ZOE: Unity is strength. JAMIE: Yeah right, er, unity is strength. VILLAR: And when you have this strength, what do you do with it? JAMIE: Ah, do with it...aye... ZOE: We attack the aliens that brought everybody here. JAMIE: Aye, we attack them all together- in force! (He strikes a fist into his palm.) VILLAR: Ah, you bring all the resistance together in one place, you know what happens? We rob and kill each other! ZOE: You'll never win unless you work together. It's the only way. VILLAR: Why do you let a woman speak for you? JAMIE: Well why not? O-only if she's right of course. ZOE: And I am. VILLAR: We always fight in small groups, far apart. That's why they don't catch us. (He punctuates this by jabbing Jamie in the chest with a finger.) JAMIE: Aye, and that's why getting nowhere! (Jamie jabs him back in a similar manner, to an evil look from Villar.) VILLAR: We are free men. We do anything we want to. ZOE: You are hunted fugitives and they'll pick you off one by one unless you join with us. It's the only way you'll ever get home! VILLAR: Home! No-one can get away from this place! ZOE: Oh but you can! VILLAR: How? ZOE: The same way you all came here. But first we've got to defeat the people who run everything. They have a stronghold... VILLAR: I have heard! It is impossible to get in there! ZOE: Well we have been there, and if we can get a big enough army together I can take you all there. VILLAR: Alright, I stay for a little bit eh? But then we see. [SCENE_BREAK] 17, INT: WAR ROOM WAR-CHIEF: We have soldiers from most of the major wars in the planet Earth. The first world war, the war between Russia and Japan of nineteen hundred and five, thirty years war... DOCTOR: But why make them kill each other? WAR-CHIEF: How else can we find the most disciplined and courageous fighters? DOCTOR: You have given these aliens our science and our knowledge to carry out this disgusting plan! WAR-CHIEF: We are going to bring a new order to the galaxy; one United Galactic Empire! DOCTOR: An Empire of slaves! With you as one of it's rulers! WAR-CHIEF: Doctor, this is also a matter of your own survival. Unless I can convince the War Lord that you will help us... (The chiming alarm is heard through the room, and the War Lord, Security Chief and guards walk in.) WAR-LORD: What is the prisoner doing here? WAR-CHIEF: I am interrogating him. WAR-LORD: You interrogate without guards? WAR-CHIEF: I know this man, he is a fugitive from the Time Lords. SECURITY-CHIEF: As you are. WAR-CHIEF: That's right, as I am. WAR-LORD: Did you bring him here? WAR-CHIEF: No, he arrived by chance. (The War Lord turns to the Doctor.) WAR-LORD: Did the Time Lords send you. DOCTOR: No. WAR-LORD: Have you informed them? WAR-CHIEF: He dare not, that would betray him. SECURITY-CHIEF: He has allied himself with the resistance and has organised them against us. He must die! WAR-CHIEF: No! He has agreed to help us destroy the resistance, he will cooperate, he has no alternative. SECURITY-CHIEF: He should be killed now, we cannot trust him! WAR-LORD: If he helps us destroy the resistance, if. His life will be spared. SECURITY-CHIEF: War... WAR-CHIEF: I have decided! (He turns to the War Chief.) WAR-CHIEF: I hold you responsible for the success of the plan. Failure will mean death - to both of you. (The War Lord sweeps away with the Security Chief in tow like a pet poodle. The Doctor checks they are gone for a moment.) DOCTOR: I never promised to help you! WAR-CHIEF: But you will, you have no alternative! DOCTOR: But to help people like that conquer the galaxy? WAR-CHIEF: Not people like that, people like us! (He grasps his pendant.) WAR-CHIEF: I intend to take over as Supreme Galactic Ruler. You can help me to rule - if you will cooperate. [SCENE_BREAK] 18, INT: DRAWING ROOM VILLAR: I tell you it's crazy, it'll never work! RUSSELL: We don't know 'til we've tried it. We've never had all the resistance groups together before. VILLAR: You bring everyone together in one place, you know what happens? The enemy will go pow! We are all killed! PETROV: What he says makes sense. Alone we annoy them a little, together we wipe them out. JAMIE: That's exactly what the Doctor says! CARSTAIRS: Look, we should get together a large body of men. Armed, disciplined. And then, and only then can we strike at their headquarters. VILLAR: How do we get there? CARSTAIRS: Well... ZOE: We use one of their own space-time machines! VILLAR: Ah, these little boxes you talk about, holding thousands of men! Fairy stories! PETROV: I have seen one. I have seen soldiers come out of them, whole regiments! CARSTAIRS: You see Señor Villar? We're not talking nonsense. VILLAR: These... Magic boxes. Where do we get one? ZOE: They have certain landing points in each time zone. That room over there, that's one of them. VILLAR: How do you get the whole army in here? The place is surrounded! It's hard enough for one man at a time to get in. CARSTAIRS: Yes...quite right. We must uh, use one of the other places. JAMIE: Well, what about that American barn where we met Mr Russell? CARSTAIRS: Yes, that's er, that's here. (He points at the map.) CARSTAIRS: Is that alright for everybody? PETROV: Carasha! I know that place. Much forest, easy to hide men. CARSTAIRS: Well we're all agreed then. We all gather our troops here, and we make a concerted attack on the enemy. VILLAR: And what if he make a concerted attack on us? CARSTAIRS: Oh, he's going to be far too busy to do that... [SCENE_BREAK] 19, EXT: HILLSIDE (Two resistance fighters stealthily make their way through the undergrowth towards an encampment.) [SCENE_BREAK] 20, INT: PAVILION (The soldiers sneak into a large canvass pavilion one grabs a Roman Centurion from behind, with a hand over his mouth, and the other takes a rifle and smashes the video-screen concealed in a chest.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21, INT: WAR ROOM (A an alarm sounds as a light flickers in Zone One on the illuminated game map. He glares at a nearby technician.) SECURITY-CHIEF: Failure of communications unit in Roman Zone. Send a technicians to repair. And send a guard! [SCENE_BREAK] 22, INT: DRAWING ROOM CARSTAIRS: Right. Good! Right, carry on. (He replaces the phone.) CARSTAIRS: Well that's the first one, Roman Zone. Control unit's been completely destroyed. ZOE: I wonder if it'll work? CARSTAIRS: Oh it'll work alright. Next one's due in the Crimean War Zone. (He glances casually at his fob watch.) CARSTAIRS: It's due about now. [SCENE_BREAK] 23, EXT: CRIMEAN STOREHOUSE (A redcoat paces up and down outside a rough brick storehouse. Out of nowhere two resistance fighters grab him from behind and club him to the ground. One pulls out a bundle of dynamite sticks and a reel of wire. Placing the explosives in the building he reels out the wire and attaches it to a detonator box, then nods at his companion who raises, then depresses the lever. There is a bright flash and a roar of an explosion from within the building.) [SCENE_BREAK] 24, INT: WAR ROOM (More alarms blare from the console as the light for Zone Three flickers.) SECURITY-CHIEF: Another communications failure. Crimean War Zone. Send a squad of guards! [SCENE_BREAK] 25, INT: DRAWING ROOM (The Time Zone map has been placed over a notice board, and both Russell and Carstairs are sat answering calls.) RUSSELL: Hello. Russell. Good! CARSTAIRS: Excellent. Yes, thank you very much. (He replaces the receiver.) RUSSELL: I see. CARSTAIRS: Roman Zone, a technician and guard have arrived. ZOE: So that's the Roman Zone then. (She sticks a single flag into Roman Zone area of the map.) JAMIE: Technician and guard? That's only two men! CARSTAIRS: They're not really worried yet. (Russell ends his telephone conversation.) RUSSELL: They are now, they've just sent a squad of guards to the Crimean War Zone! ZOE: Oh good! That's a bit more like it! (Jamie sticks a flag into the Crimean Zone as Zoe pulls out another.) CARSTAIRS: By the time we've finished with them there won't be a guard left in the place! (Many shots of the group sticking flag after flag into the board are mixed with the people answering calls.) ZOE: Good! (She replaces the receiver.) ZOE: Jamie, Boer War Zone. CARSTAIRS: English Civil War Zone. RUSSELL: Yes, fine. (He puts the phone down.) RUSSELL: Peninsular War Zone, they've sent ten guards there. Right, well that seem to be about it. CARSTAIRS: Right, time for phase two. Villar should be at the barn by now. Carry on Sergeant. RUSSELL: Yes sir. Okay, we'll leave one by one and display our arms. [SCENE_BREAK] 26, INT: BARN (An alien Confederate rushes towards the barn, skidding to a halt and pulling open the secret hatch. He barely has time to operate the video-screen before he is shot dead. Two Mexican resistance bandits and Villar approach. One of the soldiers aims his gun at the device, but Villar grabs his arm.) VILLAR: No, not yet! Now we wait. [SCENE_BREAK] 27, INT: WAR ROOM SECURITY-CHIEF: It is a clear pattern, simultaneous attacks in all time zones. WAR-CHIEF: And you've sent guards to every attack? SECURITY-CHIEF: There are now very few left to send. WAR-CHIEF: That's exactly what they wanted. Have any of the guards returned? SECURITY-CHIEF: No. SECURITY-CHIEF: So you've left the base weakened for a possible mass-attack. (The War Lord appears.) WAR-LORD: Is that true? SECURITY-CHIEF: I know where their attack is coming from. A communications unit was activated in the American Civil War Zone. WAR-LORD: And how do you propose to deal with them, with your guards scattered all over the War Zones? SECURITY-CHIEF: The neutron bomb. WAR-CHIEF: That would wipe out the processed humans. We would have to evacuate the planet. WAR-LORD: Well the resistance must be crushed once and for all. SECURITY-CHIEF: So we shall use the neutron bomb? WAR-LORD: No. We shall attempt to be rather more subtle than that. (He glances at the Doctor.) WAR-LORD: We shall give you an ideal opportunity to prove your loyalty - and save your life. [SCENE_BREAK] 28, INT: BARN (Carstairs rushes into the barn and salutes.) CARSTAIRS: All the resistance groups here Sergeant? RUSSELL: Yes sir. VILLAR: They are hidden in the woods. So here we all are, a nice big target. RUSSELL: Don't worry it won't be for long. Soon as we smash that thing they'll send one of their machines and we'll take it. (He pulls out his gun.) RUSSELL: Right stand back. (The Doctor's face appears on the video screen.) JAMIE: Wait a minute! DOCTOR: Zoe? ZOE: Oh Doctor, where are you, are you alright? DOCTOR: Yeah. Is Mr Russell there? JAMIE: Aye, all the resistance leaders are with us. DOCTOR: Oh good, er, now there's no time to be lost. I think I can send you one of their space-time machines. I've-I've managed to take control of their transportation system. JAMIE: Oh well we've got a whole army here Doctor, we could take over the entire base! DOCTOR: Oh no-no, all I need is a-a party of picked men. There's got quite a lot to organise, I need to talk to the leaders. JAMIE: But Doctor, would it not be better if you brought a gang with you? DOCTOR: Jamie, please don't argue! I will send the transportation now. (The Doctor's images fades from the screen.) VILLAR: I don't like this, it could be a trap. (There is a noise of an incoming SIDRAT and Petrov draws both his guns in a panic.) PETROV: Out of the way! CARSTAIRS: Don't panic! Now, there's nothing to worry about! Everybody take cover just in case there are some guards. (The door scrapes open. Cautiously, the group moves to examine the craft. Carstairs peeks inside, then holsters his gun.) CARSTAIRS: It's alright, it's empty. RUSSELL: Right, now one of us had better stay here to look after those men. Petrov, it better be you. PETROV: Alright, you are the boss. VILLAR: Mine is the biggest group, I should stay here in charge! RUSSELL: Why? You scared of getting into that thing? VILLAR: Arturo Villar is afraid of nothing! RUSSELL: Right. In you go then. VILLAR: I shall lead the way! (He Carstairs and Villar disappear into the SIDRAT; followed by Zoe, Jamie, Russell and a couple of resistance men. The door closes and the capsule fades away. Petrov and his men jump back, still shocked when faced with a dematerialisation before their eyes.) [SCENE_BREAK] 29, INT: LANDING BAY (The SIDRAT arrives with it's usual sparkling, the door opens and the passengers disembark one by one.) DOCTOR: Aha Carstairs. CARSTAIRS: Doctor. DOCTOR: Zoe. ZOE: Oh Doctor! DOCTOR: Jamie. JAMIE: Are you alright. DOCTOR: Yes-yes, everything is under control. Now-now listen everyone, just follow me. We're going to take over the war room! (The Doctor turns to ascend the ramp, when a squad of guards appears at the top cutting off the escape route.) DOCTOR: Stand still, don't move! You are completely surrounded! ZOE: Doctor! (The Security Chief strolls up to the Doctor followed by the War Chief, his eyes glittering malevolently.) WAR-CHIEF: Thank you Doctor. A nice, neat little package for us to dispose of. (The Doctor looks desperately around at the faces of his friends.)	Plan: A: the Aliens; Q: Who has taken the Doctor and the processing machine? A: plans; Q: What are the resistance making to attack the control center? A: the control centre; Q: What is the resistance planning to attack? Summary: The Doctor and the processing machine have been taken by the Aliens but the resistance are making plans to attack the control centre.
ROBOT By: Terrance Dicks First Air Date: 28 December 1974 Running time: 24:11 [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: Now, just a minute. SARAH: Look, Brigadier! Look! I think it's started. BRIGADIER: All right, here we go again. (On the phone.) Get me the medical officer. Lieutenant Sullivan, emergency. Come to the lab at once, please. DOCTOR: ...human history. BRIGADIER: What's he talking about? SARAH: It's something that happened when we first met. DOCTOR: I tell you, Brigadier, there's nothing to worry about. The brontosaurus is large and placid. HARRY SULLIVAN: This the patient, sir? DOCTOR: And stupid. The square on the hypotenuse equals the sum of the square on the other two sides. Why is a mouse when it spins? Never did know the answer to that one. BENTON: Excuse me, sir. The daily reports. HARRY: Take him to the sick bay, I'll make a proper examination there. BENTON: (To the BRIGADIER.) What's happening, sir? Who's... BRIGADIER: That, Mr. Benton, is the Doctor. BENTON: You mean he's done it again? He's changed? BRIGADIER: Apparently. Saw it happen this time. Lieutenant Sullivan? HARRY: Yes, sir. BRIGADIER: I'm placing the Doctor in your personal charge. He is to have your full attention. HARRY: Right-o, sir. BRIGADIER: Right. Anything urgent, Mr. Benton? BENTON: No, sir, just routine. BRIGADIER: Yes, everything seems pretty quiet. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER (On the radio.): The complete set of plans for the new disintegrator gun. [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: Stolen? Who by? BRIGADIER: No one saw them. Probably enemy agents. Small commando squad. They found heavy vehicle tracks. You realize, of course, Miss Smith, all this is top secret? SARAH: Then why are you telling me? BRIGADIER: Well, because... Because there's no one else I can tell. SARAH: The Doctor's still unconscious? Oh, he'll be all right. I know he will. BRIGADIER: He used to drive me mad, but I miss having him about. He'd have been interested in this robbery, there are some very strange features. BRIGADIER: Actually, I want to ask a favour. SARAH: Yes, of course. BRIGADIER: You know Thinktank, the Frontiers of Science research place? All the latest in everything under one roof? BRIGADIER: Yes, what about it? SARAH: Well, now and again, exceptionally favoured journalists are allowed to visit it and, well, for ages now, I have been dying... BRIGADIER: You want me to get you a visitors' pass? SARAH: Ooh, please. BRIGADIER: Nothing simpler. Come to my office and I'll fix it straightaway. SARAH: And could I see the Doctor before I go? BRIGADIER: Yes, of course. SARAH: You're sure you've got the right man to look after him? BRIGADIER: Young Sullivan? Oh, he's a very fine chap, first-class doctor. SARAH: Seems a bit old-fashioned. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: Nothing wrong with that, Miss Smith. You may not have noticed, but I'm a bit old-fashioned myself. SARAH: Oh, nonsense, Brigadier. You're a swinger. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: Key. Key, key, key, key. Key, key. Yes, of course, obvious place. HARRY: There you are. Now, come along, Doctor, you're supposed to be in the sick bay. DOCTOR: Am I? HARRY: Mmm-hmm. DOCTOR: Don't you mean the infirmary? HARRY: No, I do not mean the infirmary, I mean the sick bay. You're not fit yet. DOCTOR: Not fit? But I'm the Doctor. HARRY: No, Doctor, I'm the doctor and I say that you're not fit. DOCTOR: You may be a doctor, but I am the Doctor. The definite article, you might say. HARRY: Look here, Doctor, you're not fit... DOCTOR: Not fit! Not fit! Of course I'm fit. All systems go! HARRY: I say. Well, look... DOCTOR: Heartsbeat? HARRY: I say, I don't think that can be right. DOCTOR: Both a bit fast, are they? HARRY: Well, I... DOCTOR: Still, must be patient. A new body is like a new house, takes a little bit of time to settle in. As for the physiognomy... Well, nothing's perfect. Have to take the rough with the smooth. Mind you, I think the nose is a definite improvement. As for the ears... Well, I'm not too sure. Tell me, quite frankly, what do you say to the ears? HARRY: I really don't know. DOCTOR: Well, of course you don't. Why should you? You're a busy man. You don't want to stand here burbling about my ears. Neither here nor there. I can't waste any more time. Things to do, places to go. I'm a busy man, too, you know. Thank you for a most interesting conversation. Must be on my way. HARRY: There is absolutely no question of you leaving, Doctor. Now, you go back to the infirmary... I mean, the sick bay, get into bed and stay there until I say that you can get up. DOCTOR: How can I prove my point? HARRY: I... I feel I ought to warn you, Doctor, that there's grave danger of myocardial infarction, not to speak of pulmonary embolism. Yes, I should, I should... DOCTOR: Mother, Mother... # I feel sick # Send for the doctor # Quick, quick, quick # Mother, dear, shall I die? # Yes, my darling, by and by # One, two, three, four... # [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: There's only one place he can be. SARAH: I thought you said Doctor Sullivan was looking after him? BRIGADIER: He's supposed to be. [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: Cupboard. What are you doing down there? Where's the Doctor? HARRY: Tied me up and hung me in here like a pair of old boots. BRIGADIER: Where is he? Ah, too late. SARAH: No, Doctor, wait! Doctor, listen. Please, it's Sarah. Doctor... DOCTOR: Hello. Come to see me off, have you? Well, I hate goodbyes. I'll just slip away quietly. SARAH: No, Doctor, you can't go! DOCTOR: Can't? Can't? There's no such word as "Can't"! SARAH: Oh! DOCTOR: Why not? SARAH: Well, because you're not... Well, because the Brigadier needs you. Don't you, Brigadier? BRIGADIER: What? Oh, yes, of course, depending on you. DOCTOR: What for? SARAH: There's been this robbery, hasn't there, Brigadier? Some kind of secret weapon. BRIGADIER: Ah, yes. Very serious business. SARAH: I mean, you are still UNIT's scientific advisor. Remember? Well, you can't go rushing off and leave them in the lurch. DOCTOR: Can't I? Goodbye. HARRY: Excuse me, sir. BRIGADIER: What? HARRY: Could you oblige? BRIGADIER (On the radio.): Oh, yes. HARRY (OOV.): Thank you. DOCTOR: Excuse me. BRIGADIER (On the radio.): What? DOCTOR: Haven't we met somewhere before? No, don't tell me. Alexander the Great? BRIGADIER: No. DOCTOR: Hannibal? BRIGADIER: No. DOCTOR: Ah! Brigadier. Brigadier Alastair Gordon Lethbridge Stewart. How are you? BRIGADIER: Very well, thank you. DOCTOR: And Sarah Jane! Well, now, isn't this... What was that you said about a secret weapon? [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: Doctor, there's been another... Where is he? HARRY: In there. BRIGADIER: He promised he'd... DOCTOR (OOV.): I'm here. BRIGADIER: Doctor, we must get moving... DOCTOR: Is something wrong? BRIGADIER: You've changed. DOCTOR: Oh, no, not again. BRIGADIER: No, no, I didn't mean your face, I meant your clothes. DOCTOR: Don't you like them? BRIGADIER: UNIT is supposed to be a security organization. DOCTOR: Do you think I might attract attention? BRIGADIER: It's just possible. DOCTOR: One moment. DOCTOR: No? BRIGADIER (On the radio.): No. DOCTOR: How about this? BRIGADIER: Much better, Doctor. Now, if you've quite finished with your wardrobe... DOCTOR: I'll try again if you like. BRIGADIER: No, let's settle for that, please. DOCTOR: Time we were off. BRIGADIER: Off? DOCTOR: To visit the scene of the crime. BRIGADIER: The thing is, there's been another robbery! DOCTOR: Tell me on the way, Brigadier. Tell me on the way. You must cultivate a sense of urgency. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: Millions of volts running through the wretched thing. And for all the good it was, it might just... Doctor? Doctor, will you please pay attention? DOCTOR: Oh, but I am, I assure you. Look. BRIGADIER: Doctor, I have every respect for your concern for ecology, but, really, one squashed dandelion... DOCTOR: Not just squashed, flattened. Almost pulverized. Now, how did it get like that? HARRY: Well, I suppose it was stepped on. DOCTOR: Exactly. And according to my estimation of the resistance to pressure of vegetable fiber, it was stepped on by something that weighed a quarter of a ton. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: Funny thing is, they left a lot of valuable and top secret stuff behind. Here's a list of all they actually took. DOCTOR: Just what you need for the control circuitry of one powerful, compact technological device. A disintegrator gun, for instance? BRIGADIER: What do you know about that? [SCENE_BREAK] GUARD: Yes, miss? [SCENE_BREAK] ARNOLD JELLICOE: That journalist girl is arriving, the one with a UNIT pass. Something of a nuisance at the present moment in time. HILDA WINTERS: We shall treat Miss Smith exactly as any other visitor. JELLICOE: I suppose so. I suppose so. SARAH: Hello. You know, it's awfully good of you to allow this visit, Director. HILDA WINTERS: I hadn't expected male chauvinist attitudes from you, Miss Smith. SARAH: I'm sorry? WINTERS: I'm the Director, Hilda Winters. This is Arnold Jellicoe, my assistant. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: So, what are we looking for? DOCTOR: Something that brushes aside chains and electric fences like cobwebs. Something intelligent that takes only what it needs and leaves the rest. Something that kills a man as casually as it crushes a dandelion. BRIGADIER: And what sort of something? Is it human? DOCTOR: I doubt it, Brigadier. More than human, perhaps. BRIGADIER: Well, whatever it is, how do we find it? DOCTOR: By locking the next stable door in good time. BRIGADIER: Huh? DOCTOR: It, whatever "it" may be, has stolen the plans for the new disintegrator gun. It has also in its possession the necessary control circuitry. HARRY: Do you think it wants to build the gun? DOCTOR: Why else steal the plans and the circuitry? Now, assuming I'm right, and I invariably am, what is the third vital ingredient? BRIGADIER: The focusing generator. DOCTOR: Exactly, Brigadier. Exactly. BRIGADIER (On the radio.): Greyhound Leader to Trap One, over. BENTON (OOV.): Trap One. We read you, Greyhound Leader. Over. BRIGADIER: Mr. Benton, red priority. Emmett's Electronics, a smallish factory in Essex, I want blanket security, every available man. Air cover as well. I'll meet you there in... in one hour. By then, I want that place better guarded that Fort Knox. Out. [SCENE_BREAK] JELLICOE: As you've seen, we do most of what's called "frontiers of science" research here. WINTERS: As soon as our work reaches a practical stage, it's handed over to someone. Someone with more resources and a bigger budget. JELLICOE: Usually the government. SARAH: Well, like the new disintegrator gun? Well, you pioneered the research on that, didn't you? WINTERS: Well, yes. I'm not sure you should know about that. SARAH: Whoops, sorry. Talking out of turn. SARAH: What's in here? [SCENE_BREAK] JELLICOE: There's nothing here. Nothing at all. WINTERS: As you can see, it's empty. SARAH: "J.P. Kettlewell, Robotics Section." He left some time ago, didn't he? That's right. There was all that fuss about it in the press. WINTERS: Yes, indeed there was. As you probably heard, he turned against conventional science altogether. JELLICOE: He spends his time on alternative technology, whatever that may mean. SARAH: Well, what's through there? JELLICOE: His storeroom. Professor Kettlewell left some valuable equipment. We're keeping it till he deigns to come collect it. SARAH: Oh, I see. Ooh, funny, musty sort of... WINTERS: Are you all right? SARAH: Just about. Thank you. WINTERS: Well, let's be on our way, Miss Smith. There's still quite a lot to see, you know. SARAH: Oh, yes, of course. Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER (On the radio.): I tell you, Doctor, I've got the whole place covered. Armed patrols have every inch of the perimeter under observation. Helicopter patrols overhead. Inside that factory is a vault. Not a safe, Doctor, a vault. There's a sentry outside it. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER ((On the radio.)): Inside the vault there's a casket. A metal casket containing every focusing generator in the place. [SCENE_BREAK] BRIGADIER: Believe me, Doctor, the place is impregnable. DOCTOR: Never cared much for the word "impregnable". Sounds a bit too much like "unsinkable". HARRY: What's wrong with "unsinkable"? DOCTOR: Nothing. As the iceberg said to the Titanic. HARRY: What? DOCTOR: (Makes the noise of the Titanic sinking.) BENTON: All patrols posted, sir. BRIGADIER: Everything secure? BENTON: Yes, sir. The lads are so close together they're standing on each others' feet. BRIGADIER: Good. BRIGADIER: See, Doctor, not even a rat could get through that cordon. Protected from every side and from above. DOCTOR: That still leaves one direction. [SCENE_BREAK] DOCTOR: There seems to be a very large rat about, Brigadier. BRIGADIER: Rat? DOCTOR: Perhaps you should employ the services of a very large cat. [SCENE_BREAK] PROFESSOR KETTLEWELL: I'm afraid I can't help you, Miss Smith. SARAH: Oh. KETTLEWELL: I don't know why you came to me. SARAH: Well, I'm not too sure myself, to be honest. I just felt something in the atmosphere at Thinktank. KETTLEWELL: Yes, I severed all connection with that establishment some time ago, when I became completely disillusioned at the direction all our research was taking. The road to ruination. I'm now devoting my life to alternative energy technologies. SARAH: Solar cells, heat from windmills, that sort of thing? KETTLEWELL: Yes, as you say, "That sort of thing." Oh, sorry. It's a rich and complex field, and I have a great deal of work. SARAH: Oh! I beg your pardon. Well, I just wondered if they might be carrying on your work in robotics? KETTLEWELL: No one is carrying on my work in robotics, Miss Smith, because no one has the ability to do so. Good day. SARAH: Goodbye. KETTLEWELL: Good day, Miss Smith. SARAH: Just going. Thank you. [SCENE_BREAK] BENTON: We think this is the other end of it, sir. Only... BRIGADIER: Only? Only what? BENTON: Only it's not a proper tunnel. I mean, no props or anything. Just the earth been shoved aside. Whoever went through it wouldn't be able to breathe. DOCTOR: Whoever went through it didn't need to breathe. BENTON: And then there were these, sir. [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: I've... I've left my notebook in one of the empty labs. I know exactly where it is, I can see myself putting it down. So if you could let me just pop in and get it, I needn't let your director know what an idiot I've been. Oh, please. Look, my pass is still valid for another 10 minutes yet. GUARD: Wait here, miss. I'll check for you. SARAH: Great. [SCENE_BREAK] SARAH: It was oil. I knew it. ROBOT: Who are you? Why are you here?	Plan: A: his fourth incarnation; Q: What is the Doctor's current incarnation? A: his post regenerative trauma; Q: What is the Doctor trying to recover from? A: the Earth; Q: What does the Doctor want to save from Think Tank? A: world domination; Q: What is the goal of Think Tank? Summary: Can the Doctor, now in his fourth incarnation. Recover from his post regenerative trauma to save the Earth from Think Tank and their plot for world domination.
[Scene: Manor. Piper and Phoebe are walking up the stairs.] Phoebe: Okay, Piper, I can't be late getting to the office today. I have a radio interview with those morning guys, Pip and Skeeter. Piper: That's Skip and Peter. (They walk into the hallway.) Could you forget about your advice column for two seconds? Come see where we're putting the nursery. Phoebe: You're putting it in your closet. I've seen your closet, there's a lot of shoes, honey. Piper: No, not anymore. (They walk into Piper's room and into the emptied out closet.) Look, it's perfect. (Leo is there making a hole in the wall to fit a window.) Phoebe: It's a little cramped though, don't you think? Leo: That's why I'm adding a window to bring in the light and create a sense of space. (They walk back into the room.) Phoebe: Aww, you guys are very cute but why are you doing all of this now? I mean, your due date is not for months. Piper: Well, demon activity has been light, so it's a good time to get ahead. Phoebe: Speaking of a head, I can't believe you guys didn't notice my billboards down town. Piper: Oh, honey, of course we noticed them. You can see them from a passing 747. (They laugh.) Leo: We would've told you how proud we are of you, but you never slow down to give us a chance. Phoebe: Well, you know, nothing perks up a girl's career like sending her husband straight to hell. Okay, well, I've seen the nursery and it's absolutely beautiful but I really have to go to that interview. Piper: Uh, honey, I know your work is very important to you but guess what? I'm having a baby. Phoebe: Aw, I know. Piper: Yeah, so how about you take a couple of minutes to be Aunt Phoebe. Phoebe: Oh my god, you are so right. I'm so sorry. Okay, what do you need? Piper: An opinion. Uh, I'm thinking... (Paige orbs in.) Paige: Positions! Bogey at three, two, one... (Suddenly, a demon wearing no shirt and a black and white mask appears. He blows a dart at Paige with a blowgun and she ducks. The dart hits a teddy bear and its head shrinks. Piper and Phoebe gasp. Piper blows up the demon and vanquished him.) So much for the theory that Borneo demons are impervious to magical powers. I can't wait to tell the local witch doctors. Leo: Okay, excuse me, can we refrain from blowing up demons in the nursery? Piper: Oh, honey, it was just one. Leo: Piper, you're going to be a mum, you need to start thinking about the safety of our daughter. (to Paige) And you, you're getting so caught up with this magical kick, I mean, look at your hair. It's so red from the potion you blew up last night. Paige: Do you have any idea how much this would cost in the salon? Phoebe: I love your new 'do, honey, I think you look beautiful. (Phoebe gives Paige a quick hug.) Okay, bye. Paige: Thank you. Piper: Honey, sweets, toots... I appreciate that you're very concerned but I am still a witch and we do still have innocents to protect and demons to fight. I can't just crawl in a hole. [Scene: A sea hag's cavern. The walls and floor is made of rock and is placed right beside the sea water. The sea hag walks over to a beautiful blonde haired woman.] Sea Hag: It's too bad, Mylie, but your time is up. You had thirty days to find love or the penalty would be death. Mylie: But he does love me, I know he does. Sea Hag: Oh, really? Did he tell you? Mylie: He doesn't have to tell me he loves me. Sea Hag: Well, actually he does. But he'll never say he loves you until he trusts you. And he'll never trust you until you tell him what you really are. You see why I always win these bargains. (She picks up a large shell.) As an immortal being, I'm afraid only you can give up your life. Place this ogre shell over your heart. It will draw your immortality inside. (Mylie takes the ogre shell and five slimy leech-like creatures poke out of the shell.) Mylie: And if I don't? Sea Hag: Then you can rot for eternity right here. (Mylie moves the shell closer to her heart, then suddenly stabs the end of the shell into the sea hag. The sea hag screams in pain and Mylie dives into the sea.) Mylie: You're wrong. He does love me. And I'm gonna prove it. (Mylie swims away revealing her gold mermaid tail.) Opening Credits [Scene: Manor. Piper's room. Piper is sitting on the bed sorting through some boxes. Leo is in the closet sanding down the window frame.] Piper: Leo, I can't believe you found all of our baby stuff. Leo: Grams was a bit of a pack rat. (Piper pulls out a pink album.) Piper: Baby book. My baby book. (She opens it up.) Oh, look how squishy I was. Leo: You were so adorable. Piper: Leo, you can't even see the picture. Leo: Well, I'm your Whitelighter. I've been watching you ever since you were a baby. Piper: Uh-huh, yeah, see that's too creepy to think about. I never knew that mum kept a baby book for me. Leo: Well, why not? I mean, you started one for our daughter. I always thought you and your mum were a lot alike. (He picks up the window and tries to get it up to the frame.) Piper: It's strange to think that she went through everything I'm going through right now. I don't think you ever really know how much your mother loves you until you become one yourself. (Leo drops the window frame and he groans in pain.) Leo: Ow! Piper: Oh, are you okay? Leo: Yeah. Piper: Here, um, why don't you let me help you? Leo: No, it's heavy. (Piper walks over to him, still holding the album.) Piper: Well, see, that's kind of why I wanted to help you with it. Leo: Piper, when are you gonna accept the fact that you're pregnant? Piper: When are you gonna stop being so overprotective? Leo: Look, all I'm suggesting is that you slow down. Piper: Okay, Leo, I'm not gonna be one of those women that sits on her ass and eats Bon Bons throughout her whole pregnancy. That's just not the woman you married. Besides, generations of Halliwell woman raised perfectly normal children before me. They all got through it and so will I. Leo: Not all of them. Piper: What's that supposed to mean? Leo: How far along in the book have you gotten? (Piper flips through the rest of the book and the pages are blank.) There was no one there to finish it after your mother died. Piper: Oh. Leo: Like I said, you are a lot like your mother. She was careless too. She thought she was invincible. She was wrong. [Scene: The sea hag's cavern. The sea hag is sitting down in pain. A very nervous demon with a croaky voice appears squatting near by.] Demon: Hello. I'm begging your evil pardon. I bear a message from my master. Sea Hag: Necron. (The demon stands up, acting like a completely different person.) Demon: He wants the immortality that you promised him and he wants it now! (The demon squats back down, returning very nervous.) His words, not mine. Sea Hag: Tell your master he'll get what he wants, but he must be patient. (The demons gets upset.) Demon: Oh, no, I can't tell him that. No disrespect, but skeletal beings aren't known for their patience. Sea Hag: Then you best hurry along. Demon: I'll do as you ask but it'll be the last thing I do before Necron eats my life force. Then comes for yours. (He disappears. The sea hag walks to the edge of the sea and holds out her arms.) Sea Hag: "Water rise up from the sea, find the one who fled from me, follow where the winds are cold, then fall tenfold like days of old." (The sea water bubbles furiously and thunder is heard.) [Scene: City. An outside eating area. The sky grows dark and lightning flashes in the sky. Mylie waits anxiously by a fountain.] Guy: Mylie! (Mylie turns around and sees a guy walking quickly towards her.) Mylie. Hey. Mylie: Hey. I'm so sorry to pull you out of your meeting. Guy: You said it was important. What's going on? Mylie: I need to know how you feel about me. (Craig laughs.) What's so funny? Guy: You know what I love? Mylie: No, what? Guy: Your enthusiasm. Mylie: Oh. What else? Guy: Well, I, uh, I love this dimple right here when you smile. (He kisses her dimple beside her mouth.) Mylie, what's going on here? Mylie: Look, I told you. I need to know how you feel about me deep inside. It's important. (They walk over to a table and chairs and sit down.) Guy: Well, listen, I'm gonna be on a plane in like two hours to go to New York and when I get back we'll go out and... Mylie: No, before you get on the plane. I can't explain right now, but unless you tell me how you feel about me, I may not be here when you get back. Guy: What's that supposed to mean? Mylie: I'm sorry, this isn't a threat. It's just, it is what it is. Guy: Look, Mylie, this isn't the time or the place for this. Whatever I feel for you should come out when I'm ready. Mylie: But we're running out of time. Look, Craig, I admit that this isn't fair what I'm asking you but it's what I need right now if you want to keep me in your life. Craig: Okay, if it's that important, okay. (Mylie smiles.) When I first met you, (it starts to rain) I've had the wall come down, a wall around my heart... (A rain drop falls on Mylie's thigh and gold scales appear.) I mean, I don't how to say this but, uh... (Mylie stands up.) Mylie: I've gotta go. Guy: What? Wait a minute, you just... Mylie: I'm so sorry, I've gotta go. (Mylie rushes off, covering her scales with her dress. It starts to pour and Craig runs under cover. He looks back at Mylie who's standing near by out of the rain. A billboard catches Mylie's eye. It's Phoebe's billboard, reading: "Ask Phoebe... She has all the answers. The Bay Mirror." Mylie smiles.) [Scene: South Bay Social Services. Paige walks in soaking wet. She walks over to her cubicle.] Mr. Cowan: Matthews! In my office, now! (She walks into his office.) Paige: Weather advisory, if you're gonna go outside, bring a paddle. Mr. Cowan: Where were you? Paige: Had to run the Mackenzie papers over to the courthouse. Mr. Cowan: You've been gone an hour. Paige: Yeah, well, there's a freak rainstorm. The entire city's flooded. Mr. Cowan: Well, you should've let someone know where you were headed. You have this habit of coming and going as you please. Paige: As I please? No, I come and go as other people please. That's what assistants do, they run errands. I'll tell you a little secret. They don't like it. Mr. Cowan: Well, your behaviour's got to change. Paige: Maybe it'll change if you promote me to social worker. Mr. Cowan: I already did. You start tomorrow. [Time lapse. Paige is talking on the phone to Phoebe.] Phoebe: He promoted you? Congratulations! Paige: Thanks, I guess. Phoebe: What do you mean you guess? Paige, you've worked so hard for this, it's your dream. Paige: Yeah, Cowan already gave me the big responsibility speech. No more coming to work late, no more long lunches. [Cut to Phoebe's office. Phoebe's assistant walks in.] Phoebe: Hold on a second, sweetie. Assistant: Uh, I've got Nancy O'Dell's producer on the phone, they wanna know if you want hair and makeup. Phoebe: Uh, no, I will do my own. Thanks. (The assistant leaves.) Paige: Nancy O'Dell? Phoebe: Yeah, she wants to interview me on TV tomorrow. Paige: Look at you blowing up around town. Billboards, radio, TV... What's next? Phoebe, the world tour? Phoebe: Oh, no, even better. Divorce court. Paige: What? I can't believe with all you have going on, you've found time to push a divorce through the system. Phoebe: I just want my life back. I don't wanna have to look over my shoulder praying that Cole doesn't find a way out of the demonic wasteland, you know. Paige: Do you think he will? Phoebe: You know what? I don't care. Because even if he does, after today, I'll be free. [Cut to an underground parking lot. The ground is wet from the rain. Phoebe walks over to her car and throws her coat and bag in. Mylie sneaks up on her and Phoebe screams.] Mylie: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. It's just I recognise you from your billboard. I need your help. Phoebe: Oh, that's sweet, sweetie, but if you write a letter then I respond to everyone. Mylie: No, you don't understand. I recognised you as a Charmed One. You're very famous where I come from. I'm not evil or anything. Phoebe: I've heard that one before. Mylie: No, honestly, I'm... (A car drives past and splashes water onto them. They gasp. Mylie's legs change into a mermaid tail. She falls to the ground. Phoebe rushes over to her.) We need to go. Phoebe: Well, yeah! Mylie: The sea hag will track my tail. Phoebe: (panicking) Well, make it go away! Mylie: I can't. (Phoebe pulls Mylie into the passenger side of the car. A gust of wind blows. Phoebe jumps into the drivers seat and starts the car. They back out of the parking space and in front of them, a puddle of water forms into the sea hag.) Phoebe: Hang on! (Phoebe drives through the sea hag and the sea hag's body explodes into water, all over the car. Phoebe drives out of the car park. The puddle of water forms into the sea hag once again.) [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Living room. Piper, Phoebe, Mylie and Leo are there. Mylie is sitting on the couch while Phoebe dries Mylie's legs with a hair dryer. Paige walks in the foyer through the front door and puts her bag and umbrella away.] Paige: Okay, I just cut work on the day of my big promotion and sped through a rainstorm to get here, what is the 9... (She walks into the living room.) 11? Leo: Phoebe found a mermaid. Phoebe: Actually, she found me. On the way to a very important court date I might add. Mylie: Hi, I'm Mylie. (She shakes Paige's hand.) You must be Paige. You have a very big underwater fan base. Paige: You're a mermaid? You guys actually exist? Piper: Uh, excuse me. When you said, uh, sea hag, did you mean like old woman hag or evil magic hag? Because see, I'm not really in the battle mood today. Mylie: Uh, she's kinda both. Piper: Uh-huh. Paige: Forget that. What's life like under the sea? Does your skin get wrinkly? Does algae pose as a personal hygiene problem. Leo: Okay, guys, why don't we let her up for a little air. Mylie: No, it's okay, I don't mind. Actually, there's nothing like being a mermaid. Swim in the open sea all day, explore endless wonders, it's pure freedom. Phoebe: Sounds like heaven. I'm sure you want to get back. I can drop you off at the beach on my way... Mylie: Wait, you don't understand. It was a great life. For the first few hundred years. Leo: Mermaids are immortal. Mylie: Yeah, we can spend eternity at sea. Because our hearts are, well, some say are as cold as the water. But sometimes a mermaid gets lonely and her heart warms and she wants more. Paige: Is that what happened to you? Mylie: Mm-hmm. The ocean's floor is littered with bones of mortals who died for love. I had to know why. Piper: Now these bones, um, could they be bones of mortals that perhaps the sea hag killed? Paige: Piper. Piper: What? Leo: So you said you wanted to feel love, is that why you went to see the sea hag? Mylie: Yes. If a mortal professes his love to a mermaid she becomes human. The sea hag agreed to give me legs but if I didn't find love before her deadline I would have to give her my immortality. Phoebe: All that for a guy? Boy, did you get taken for a ride. Paige: Phoebe. Phoebe: What? Mylie: But I did find love, I-I mean I think I did. But I might be dead before I get to find out for sure. Craig's getting on a plane to New York soon. Piper: Oh, no-no-no, this is good. Because all we gotta do is find the fish lover, get him to spill his guts and then we don't have to face the sea hag. Paige: Piper! Piper: What? Paige: If your boyfriend's love can make you human why don't you just tell him you're a mermaid? Mylie: You mean, that I'm a genetic freak with a fish tail coated in glandular slime? Leo: She raises a good point. Phoebe: Yeah. Paige: You may be half fish, but you're still a woman and women, you know they generally know when a man's in love even before he does. Phoebe: Oh, puh-lease! If I wrote that slop in my column I'd be driven out of town. Paige: Okay, that is it. Can I see you two in the kitchen? (Piper, Phoebe and Paige go into the kitchen.) Okay, what is going on with you guys? Phoebe: I'm sorry, like you need a man to be complete. That kind of thinking dates back to the days we all had tails. Piper: Maybe Phoebe's right, maybe we just throw the mermaid back into the ocean and we keep the manor a hag-free zone. Paige: Who are you people and what have you done with my sisters? (to Phoebe) Let's start with you. What is going on in that head of yours? Phoebe: I keep thinking about the court date I'm missing. Paige: Okay, so you're dumping all over our innocent? Phoebe: I don't mean to be. Paige, I've been fighting so hard to get my life back. If Cole shows up and we're still married, then it was all for nothing. I need my freedom. Paige: Okay, fine. Go meet the judge, just hurry back and we'll deal with Mylie. (Phoebe walks out of the kitchen as Leo walks in.) Leo: Where's she going? Everything okay? Paige: Yeah, Piper and I were just about to discuss how best to vanquish the sea hag. Piper: No, you said we were gonna deal with Mylie, you didn't say anything about doing anything with the sea hag. Paige: What is up with you and these demon avoidance issues you suddenly got? Leo: I think if we can protect Mylie and avoid a run in with the sea hag, I'm all for that. Paige: What is going on with everybody? We're talking about the sea hag, the mysterious monster of the deep blue sea, the one who's name strikes fear in the hearts of sailors everywhere. Piper: Okay, somebody's been watching way too much discovery channel. Paige: You're probably right but she's an interesting evil specimen. She reminds me of this water demon that I read in the book. She kills in the most fascinating way. Piper: Paige. Paige: What? Piper: We know how it kills. Paige: What'd I say? Piper: It killed mum. Leo: It's okay, you didn't know. Piper: Look, I just don't see any sense in going up against a demon like this if we don't have to. Paige: Okay, maybe we can get Craig to confess his love for Mylie. I'll ask her what flight he's on and maybe I can stop him from getting on that plane. But if it doesn't work we're gonna have to come up with a plan B to vanquish the sea hag. Piper: I know, I will check the Book Of Shadows. (Paige leaves the kitchen.) Leo: Are you okay? Piper: Yeah. [Scene: The sea hag's cavern. The sea hag is there. The nervous demon appears, crouched down.] Demon: Hello? Begging your evil pardon. Sea Hag: I see you're still alive. (Necron zaps in.) Necron: Six months ago I came to this cavern to feed on you. You talked me out of it. What was it you said? Sea Hag: I promised you an immortal being to give you permanent and everlasting life. Necron: Yes, that was it. A mermaid I believe. Did you capture her for me? Sea Hag: No, not yet. (An energy ball forms in his hand.) It's not too late. I can cast a new spell, conjure a storm like San Francisco has never seen. Think what you're giving up if you kill me. (Necron faces the nervous demon.) Demon: Oh, now this isn't right. (Electricity shoots into the demon and sucks his life force out of him. The demon turns to dust.) Necron: I'm so tired of feeding on lower life forms. Sea Hag: The mermaid won't get away this time. Necron: She'd better not, for your sake. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Airport. Boarding gate. Paige orbs into the ladies bathroom and walks out looking around. Craig is getting his ticket from the counter.] Ticket Agent: Thank you, Mr. Wilson, have a nice flight. (Craig walks away from the counter and Paige approaches him.) Paige: Uh, Craig? Craig Wilson? Craig: Yeah. Paige: I have a message for, Mylie sent me. Craig: Let me guess. She sent me a singing telegram. No-no, strip-a-gram, that's more Mylie's style. Shocking and unexpected. Paige: I am a friend of Mylie's, she sent me here because she needs to speak with you. Craig: Why didn't she come herself? Paige: That's a good question, there's a good answer, I just can't tell you what it is. But it's good. Craig: Let me get this straight. You're a friend of Mylie's, I've never met you, I've never even heard of you, and you know more about her than I do. Is that right? Paige: No, not more about her than you do, just a little secret, well, a big secret. Craig: Well, I'm tired of Mylie's secrets. Okay, I'm tired of her moving closer to me and then running away and I... I'm just tired. Paige: There's a really good reason for all of this and one day you guys are gonna sit down at a nice seafood dinner and laugh about this. But until then you really need to trust her. Craig: Well, right now I need to catch a plane. Excuse me. (He heads for the gate.) Paige: Craig, her life is in danger. [Scene: Court house. Judge's chamber. Phoebe, Morris and a judge are there.] Phoebe: I sent a sheriff to his apartment, to his work, even his dry cleaners. Trust me, your honour, I didn't make a good faith effort to try and notify my husband of our divorce, I made a great faith effort. Judge: But to grant a default divorce, the court requires that you to put a notice in the local newspaper saying where the missing spouse was last residing. Did you do that? Phoebe: I made the notice larger than legally required, I even used a twelve piker bold font to make sure it really popped. (She gets a newspaper out of her purse and hands it to the judge.) You see there how it really pops. Judge: What is your business here, Inspector? Darryl: I led the investigation to the disappearance of Mr Cole Turner. We used every method of our disposal to find his whereabouts and we still came up empty. It's my belief that Mr. Turner has left the country. Judge: I must say, young lady, in all my years on the bench I have never seen a divorce push through this fast. Please sign here. (He hands her a piece of paper.) Phoebe: Oh, free at last. Cole's Voice: Is this the right office? (The door opens and Cole walks in.) Cole Turner, your honour. (to Phoebe) Nice ad, thanks for letting me know. [Time lapse. Corridor. Phoebe and Cole walk out of the room.] Phoebe: You evil bstrd. Why didn't you just stay where you belong? Cole: Wait a minute, I'm not evil. (Darryl storms out of the room.) Darryl: Do you have any idea what you just did to me in there? Cole: Hold on. (to Phoebe) I'm not evil. I'm good. Phoebe: You're good at crushing my every hope and dream. Cole: Well, I'm gonna make up for that. Darryl: You just made me look like a fool in front of the judge. Phoebe: You are like a pit bull with a death threat. Darryl: You know I should arrest you on principal. (Cole waves his hand and Darryl turns into a water cooler.) Cole: Too many people talking at once. Phoebe: You see, Cole, this is exactly what I'm talking about. Uh, good people don't turn other people into water coolers. Cole: I needed you to hear me. Phoebe: Go to hell. Cole: I was just there. I didn't mean to stay so long but I needed to gather enough powers to execute... Phoebe: Execute who? Huh? Execute who? Cole: My plan. I'm hear to redeem myself. Phoebe: You'd better be careful. You are stepping down a very dangerous road right now. Cole: I'm already on it. I got my job back at the law firm. I'm gonna use my powers to help people, make up for my past. In time you will see we're meant to be together. Phoebe: Cole, if you say that again, I swear I'll scream. I want you out of my life. Cole: I'll keep my distance but I'm not going away. My love for you hasn't changed. It kept me alive in the wasteland, it led me back to you. (Phoebe grabs a letter opener and points it at Cole.) You won't use that. I know you still love me, on some level deep inside. (He holds the tip of the letter opener and Phoebe cuts his hand. Blood splatters onto some papers.) Phoebe: You are seriously mistaken if you think I still love you in anyway. Cole: I wasn't expecting a warm welcome but don't you think this is a little extreme? (His hand magically heals and the blood on the paper bubbles. Phoebe gasps.) Wait. Phoebe: You stay away from me. Whatever you are. (Phoebe runs away. Cole waves his hand and the water cooler changes back into Darryl.) Darryl: What happened? Where's Phoebe? Cole: She ran off. Darryl: You're lucky that's all she did. [Scene: Manor. Living room. Piper, Leo and Mylie are there watching the weather report on TV. Piper lowers the volume.] Piper: Now the book says that the sea hag has power over her natural environment, would that be like rainstorms? Mylie: Yeah. Rainstorms, hurricanes... Piper: Hurricanes? Mylie: Even tidal waves. Piper: Leo, she said tidal waves. How far do tidal waves travel? Leo: Excuse us. (They move away from Mylie.) What's gotten into you? Piper: I don't know, I just don't feel like myself. Leo: Well, our job is to keep the innocent calm. Do you think you can do that while I go talk to the Elders and see if they can help us control the sea hag? Piper: Sure. (Leo orbs out. The front door opens and Paige and Craig walk in. They walk into the living room.) Craig: Hey. Mylie: You came. Craig: Yeah, Paige told me your life was in danger. What's going on? Mylie: I really need to know how you feel about me. Craig: I can't believe we're back on this. What, are you two in on this joke or what? Paige: It's no joke, you have to tell her how you feel about her, her life depends on it. Craig: What is this? The delusional girls club? Come on. (to Mylie) Tell me what's happening. Mylie: I can't. Craig: You can't? You yank me out of a business meeting, your friend ambushed me at the airport, I miss my plane and you can't tell me why? Mylie: No. Piper: Okay, buddy, look. You obviously wouldn't be here if you didn't care, so why don't you just tell her that you love her for crying out loud. Paige: Piper, relax. Piper: What? If he does not do this then we've gotta fight the evil- (Paige stops her.) Person. Craig: You know what, I'm outta here. (He starts to leave.) Mylie: Craig wait. You wanna know what I'm hiding from you? Okay. (Mylie takes the flowers out of a vase and sits on the couch.) Piper: Mylie? No, don't! (Mylie tips the vase water onto her legs and her legs turn into a mermaid tail.) Mylie: Please don't be afraid. It's still me. (Craig backs away, frightened.) Craig: What are you? Geez. (He races out the door. A gust of wind blows in the living room and the sea hag appears.) Paige: Did you find a vanquishing spell? (Piper starts to back away.) Piper, freeze her. (Piper tries to freeze the sea hag but nothing happens. A water ball forms in the sea hag's hand.) Piper: I can't. (The sea hag throws the water ball at Paige and Paige is surrounded by a tunnel of water. The sea hag throws another water ball at Piper and Piper ducks behind the couch. The water ball hits the wall. The sea hag turns to Mylie.) Mylie: Piper! (Piper stays behind the couch, frightened.) Piper, help me! Piper! Help! (Piper hears a splash of water and Paige coughing. She comes out from behind the couch. Paige is standing there, soaking wet.) Paige: What happened to you? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Piper, Phoebe, Paige and Leo are there.] Phoebe: She took our innocent? How could you let that happen? Piper: I don't know. I think I had a panic attack. I couldn't breathe or move. Phoebe: Okay, but she took our innocent. Leo: Let's give Piper a break, okay. Piper: No, she's right, I froze up, Mylie's gone and it's my fault. Leo: No, it's not your fault. It's your hormones. Your maternal instincts are kicking in. Paige: More like taking over. Leo: It's natural for a mother to feel protective of her baby. Phoebe: But she's been handling demons ever since she got pregnant. Why the sudden change today? Piper: I don't know, I just, I don't. Paige: Let's just focus on finding Mylie. What did you get on the sea hag? Piper: There's a vanquishing spell, power of three, I, I have it somewhere. Paige: Okay, what about a location? Did the book say where we can find her? (Piper shrugs.) Leo: The Elders say she keeps a cavern on a remote island. She keeps it hidden with charms and spells. The only way to track her is with a mermaid. Phoebe: Well, unfortunately we're fresh out of those. Piper: Okay, yeah, well, where were you when this all went down? Phoebe: I had my own demon to deal with. Paige: The good news is, is that the sea hag can't steal Mylie's immortality unless she's willing to give it up. Leo: Which could be any minute. Paige: True, if she gives up hope, she might wanna die. Leo: Alright, I'll find Craig, we may need him. Paige: Try the airport, he was headed to New York. (Leo orbs out.) Piper: I'll try to locate the sea hag. Phoebe: Oh, honey, I'm sorry, I might've been pushing too hard. Why don't you let me and Paige worry about the sea hag? Piper: No, 'cause I've got to... Phoebe: Rest. If not for your sake then for my niece. All this stress can't be good. Paige: She's right. (Piper lays down on the couch.) [Scene: Sea hag's cavern. The sea hag and Mylie are there. The sea hag is holding the ogre shell.] Sea Hag: I underestimated you. They always come back to me with empty hearts begging me to end their lives. But you, you almost found love. Mylie: I did find love. Sea Hag: Maybe he did love you but I'm afraid that's over, my dear child, now that he knows what you are. (Mylie's eyes fill with tears.) It's time to embrace your fate. (The sea hag shows her the shell. Mylie knocks it out of her hands.) The pain you're feeling won't go away. (She picks up the shell.) As an immortal creature, can you bear to live with it for eternity? (The sea hag disappears. Mylie starts to cry.) [Scene: A restaurant. It's empty accept for Darryl and a shooter. Darryl is hiding behind a booth while the shooter fires his gun near Darryl. He calls for backup on his radio and shoots at the shooter.] Darryl: This is the last time I come to this place for lunch. (The shooting stops and Darryl reloads his gun. He comes out from behind the booth and walks through the restaurant. He hears a noise behind him and spins around. The shooter fires at Darryl and the bullets heading straight for Darryl slow down to nearly a stop. Darryl looks confused. Cole appears behind him.) Cole: Thought you could use a little help. Darryl: Yeah, you thought right. Cole: Let's go get the bad guy. Darryl: What'd you do? Cole: Gave us a little extra time. (They walks over to the shooter.) Darryl: Yeah, I can see that. Why? Cole: You mean, other than to save your ass? Well, I need to show Phoebe that I am good, I help you make this caller, you look good to your bosses, it's a win-win proposition. Darryl: What if I don't want your help? Cole: I could always turn you into a water cooler. Got cuffs? (Darryl hands him his cuffs.) Thanks. (He takes the gun off the shooter.) Here, hold this. (He hands Darryl the gun.) So anyway, if you need help with your cases, supernatural or otherwise, I'm at your service. (He puts the cuffs on the shooter.) I'm gonna prove to everyone that I'm not evil. (Cole waves his hand and the shooter and the bullets return to normal speed. The bullets hit a wine cabinet. The shooter looks at Cole and Cole punches him in the face, knocking him out.) Whether they like it or not. Darryl: Look, she doesn't want you. Why don't you just give it up? Cole: Because I'm in love. Don't forget to tell her what I did. (Cole disappears.) [Scene: Manor. Attic. Phoebe and Paige are there. Phoebe is reading through a spell Paige has written. Paige is pacing up and down.] Phoebe: This is really good. Adding Eastern thinking to Western wicca. (Paige's phone rings.) It should definitely break through the sea hag's protective charms. Are you gonna answer your phone? Paige: Uh, no, it's my boss. I've been gone all afternoon. Phoebe: Okay, then can we turn it off? Paige: Do you think it's possible to get promoted and fired on the same day? Phoebe: Paige, please, just turn off the phone. Paige: You know, maybe in our new destiny this job just isn't meant to be. Phoebe: Okay. (Phoebe grabs the phone and slams it on the table.) Paige: Okay, interesting. Phoebe? Phoebe: Mm. Paige: What is going on? Phoebe: He's back. Paige: Who? Phoebe: Cole. Paige: What? (Phoebe pulls the letter opener out of her purse and shows Paige. The tip of it has been eaten away from acid.) Phoebe: This is his blood. Blood is not supposed to do that. Paige: You stabbed him? Phoebe: Yeah. Paige: Good. Phoebe: He wants me back. He wants me back and I just wanna run. As fast and far as I can. I swear, if I had your power, Paige, I would orb myself to a rock in the middle of the city. He has put me through so much and I just, I don't want to go through it again. Paige: Okay, running is not the answer. Don't give him that power over you. You have built a great life for yourself. Phoebe: That doesn't matter. I'm too tired to fight him. And I don't even know if I could. He's got all these new demonic powers now. Paige: You know what? Turn your anger towards the sea hag. After we deal with her, I'll test Cole's blood and come up with a magic way to keep him from you, okay? Phoebe: Okay. Thank you. Let's see if this spell that you wrote works. I will go find Piper. Paige: Oh, Piper. I'm kinda worried about her. She picked maybe the worst time to come up with a massive demon phobia. You think she's gonna be okay to take on the sea hag? Phoebe: Well, I think pregnancy is an emotional time and anything can happen. (Piper walks in.) Piper: I'll be fine. Okay, let's go, we've got a job to do. Paige: You sure you're up to it? Piper: Well, I don't have a choice. It's a power of three spell, right? One, two, three. Phoebe: Should we wait for Leo to find Craig before we go? Piper: No, Mylie needs us now. (Phoebe hands them each a piece of paper.) Paige: Okay, if the spell works, it should take us straight to the sea hag. Piper, Phoebe, Paige: "Powers of the witches rise, find the hag who speaks in lies, balance chakra focus chi, lead us through the cruel cruel sea." (Nothing happens but then suddenly Phoebe falls to the floor.) Phoebe: Whoo! (Piper and Paige look down to find Phoebe turned into a mermaid.) Paige: Oh. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The beach. Piper, Phoebe and Paige orb in. Phoebe falls into the water.] Phoebe: Hey! Paige: Sorry, couldn't hold you. (Phoebe tries to get up.) Piper: Phoebe, you can't stand, you don't have legs. Phoebe: Okay, well, why me? (She throws a little tantrum.) Why did I get the tail? We all said the spell together! Paige: Maybe because you're the best swimmer? Phoebe: Yeah, at the Y! But this is the ocean! It is very cold and I am allergic to shellfish! Piper: Okay, forget that. Do you sense the sea hag? Is she close? Phoebe: How should I know? Piper: Well, maybe if you put your head underwater. Phoebe: And get my hair wet? Piper: Phoebe, you're a mermaid. Paige: You should be able to sense the sea hag. My spell worked but not the way I envisioned it. (Phoebe holds her nose and dives underwater. Leo orbs in.) Leo: I found Craig. He was on a plane on his way to New York. Why am I standing in the ocean? Piper: Phoebe's a mermaid. Leo: Oh. Well, that would explain it. (Phoebe pokes out of the water.) Phoebe: Whoo! Dive in! The water's great. Piper: Phoebe, get back here this instant! (Phoebe dives back under and pops back up next to them in a second's flat.) Phoebe: The call of the sea's intense. Just like Mylie said it was. Piper: Well, ignore it. Did you find the sea hag? Phoebe: Now that you mention it there was a stench under the water. Leo: That could be the sewage treatment plant. Piper: We'll take our chances, follow the stench. Phoebe: How? Piper: I don't know. Get in touch with your inner fish. And then when you find the cavern, call for Leo and we will orb there. Phoebe: Okay. (Phoebe dives back in the water and swims away.) Paige: That's actually the most fun I've seen Phoebe have since Cole died. Leo: Which time? Paige: Good point. Okay, you guys ready? T-minus sea hag and counting. Piper, have you got the power of three spell? (No answer.) Piper, are you okay? Piper: I'm fine. Everything's under control. [Scene: The sea hag's cavern. Mylie is sitting there. The sea hag appears.] Sea Hag: Are you ready to make your pain go away? Mylie: Yes. Sea Hag: Necron will be pleased. (She holds up the ogre shell.) It doesn't hurt, I promise. The ogre shell brings peace. (Mylie takes the ogre shell and places it on her heart. It glows. Phoebe arrives in the water near by.) [Cut to the beach.] Leo: She's calling. Let's go. Paige: Come on, come on, let's go. (They join hands and start to orb out. Piper lets go of their hands and Leo and Paige orb out without her. She leans against a rock, frightened.) [Cut to the sea hag's cavern. Leo and Paige orb in.] Phoebe: Where's Piper? Paige: She let go of my hand. (The sea hag throws a waterball at Paige and she ducks.) Enough with the water. Shell! (The shell orbs into Paige's hand. It reveals a bloody spot on Mylie's chest. The sea hag flicks her arm and seaweed appears tightly around Paige. Paige drops the shell into the water. Phoebe dives down to get it. Leo grabs a sword and swings it at the sea hag. She disappears and reappears and throws a waterball at Leo. He is surrounded by a tunnel of water. Phoebe jumps out of the water and throws the ogre shell at the sea hag. It attaches itself to her and she screams. She turns into a pile of dust. The tunnel of water disappears from Leo and Paige frees herself from the seaweed.) Phoebe: Is everyone okay? Paige: Yeah. (Leo goes over to Mylie.) Leo: No, she's dying. Phoebe: Can you heal her? (Leo tries to heal Mylie but it doesn't work.) Leo: It's no use, she's not human. Paige: No, not yet. Get Craig, hurry. (Leo orbs out.) Phoebe: She should've stayed in the water. She could've avoided all of this. Paige: Can we stay positive please? [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The sea hag's cavern. Leo orbs in with Craig.] Craig: Get your hands off me! (He looks around.) What, what just happened? Where am I? Phoebe: Somewhere off the north Atlantic would be my gut instinct. Craig: How... What... Who are you people? Paige: Witch. Leo: Angel. Phoebe: Mermaid. Paige: Don't you mean witch? (Craig looks at Mylie lying unconscious.) Leo: I know this is hard to accept, but all that matters is she's dying and you can help her. Craig: What can I do? Paige: Tell her how you feel. Your love can save her. Craig: My love? How can I love her? I mean, look at her. She's got a... Leo: Really beautiful heart. Phoebe: Now you know what she is, but who she is, you've always known that. Craig: (to Mylie) I do love you... (Mylie turns human. Leo quickly takes off his coat and hands it to Craig. Craig covers Mylie's naked body. Leo heals Mylie and she wakes up. She sees Craig and smiles. They kiss.) Mylie: Thank you. Thank you for everything. Leo: Okay, I hate to cut this short but I can sense Piper's panic and I think we should get back to her and let her know that everything's alright. (Paige and Leo walk over to Phoebe.) Phoebe, take my hand, I'll orb you back. Phoebe: Nope, I'm staying in the ocean. Paige: Okay, just meet us back at the beach. You swim so fast you'll probably beat us there anyway. Phoebe: No, I'm staying in the ocean, I'm not going back. Paige: I don't understand. Phoebe: Paige, it's everything that Mylie said it was. It's complete freedom. Mylie: The call of the sea. It'll turn her heart cold if she lets it. Leo: Okay, Phoebe, get out of the water. (Phoebe backs away.) Phoebe: No. Paige: Phoebe, take my hand. Phoebe: No! Paige: Phoebe, fight it! Phoebe: I don't wanna fight it. I just wanna be free. (Phoebe swims away.) Paige: Phoebe! To be continued...	Plan: A: Piper; Q: Who casts a spell to stop her panic attacks? A: Phoebe; Q: Who attempts to divorce Cole? A: Paige; Q: Who enlists the help of Cole to help Phoebe? A: Mylie; Q: Who is the Mermaid-turned-human? A: a pact; Q: What did Mylie make with an evil Sea Hag? A: a full fledged Social Worker; Q: What new job does Paige take on? A: her unborn baby; Q: What must Piper protect? A: now a mermaid; Q: What is Phoebe's new life? A: her life; Q: What does Phoebe want to return to as a Charmed One? A: her fear; Q: What does Piper suppress instead of facing? A: a sea demon; Q: Who is after Phoebe? A: the divorce papers; Q: What does Phoebe sign to divorce Cole? Summary: Piper, Phoebe, and Paige come to the aid of Mylie ( Jaime Pressly ), a Mermaid-turned-human, when she shows up looking for their help after a pact she made with an evil Sea Hag. Meanwhile, Phoebe attempts to divorce Cole, until he shows up claiming to want her back. Paige attempts to juggle her new position as a full fledged Social Worker, as well as being a Charmed One, and Piper must protect her unborn baby. Piper, Paige, and Leo struggle to convince Phoebe, now a mermaid, to come back to her life as a Charmed One, when she decides to swim away from her problems with Cole. Meanwhile, Piper casts a spell to stop her panic attacks but instead of facing her fear, she suppresses it, endangering herself and her baby, when a sea demon comes after Phoebe. In order to help Phoebe, Paige takes drastic measures and enlists the help of Cole. Later, Phoebe tells Cole that it is over between them and signs the divorce papers.
"The Plain in the Prodigy" [SCENE_BREAK] TEASER (Open: Crime Scene - Train tracks in Virginia. Brennan is examing parts of the skeleton when Booth approaches) BOOTH: Okay, so the guy here says he was out doing routine track maintenance and saw the bones, he thought it was a deer. BRENNAN: Human dentition is completely different; another example of our country's deplorable educational system. BOOTH: All right, until every kid becomes a dentist, we have some psycho throwing a hacked-up body out of a speeding train. BRENNAN: No. These bones were under the train. If body parts had been thrown out a window, they'd be scattered in nearby foliage. Level of decomp suggests the remains have been exposed to the elements for at least two months. BOOTH: Drunk? Suicide? BRENNAN: Conjecture. There's evidence of sharp-force trauma on the sternum. BOOTH: Stabbed. BRENNAN: More conjecture. BOOTH: Beaten. BRENNAN: Would you please stop that? BOOTH: Come on. It's a beautiful day, Bones. We must enjoy conjecture. BRENNAN: There's a distinct lack of hemorrhage. This victim was dead before being hit by the train. BOOTH: All right, so, someone killed him, dumped him on the tracks in hopes of trying to make it look like a suicide. BRENNAN: Well, I can't determine motive, but I can say the train dragged the victim, and his body broke up as it smashed against the rails and ties. BOOTH: Whoa. Wow. We're saying the bones and the body gunk were scattered along the track here? BRENNAN: Yeah. For miles. Yes. All trains should be diverted from this track until we locate the rest of the remains. BOOTH: But do you know how much chaos that's going to cause Amtrak? BRENNAN: Well, I told you, Booth. I'm not interested in conjecture. (garbled radio transmission fade into scene change to designate time lapse) BOOTH: You know, when I was a kid, Bones, I always wanted to be a hobo. I wanted to ride the rails, play the guitar... BRENNAN: Be malnourished, riddled with preventable disease. BOOTH: Tell you what. You know what? You could make Santa Claus cry. You really could. BRENNAN: Hey, you're wearing your belt buckle again. Cocky. BOOTH: Yeah. Ever since the whole coma thing, I just kept staring at it, thinking to myself, "Why would I wear something like this?" BRENNAN: 'Cause you love it. You always have. BOOTH: Yeah, that's what I landed on, Bones. BRENNAN: Well, I'm glad you did. I like it. It's... it's Boothy. BOOTH: Boothy? BRENNAN: There's a bone cyst on this femur. The result of the parasite Echinococcus granulosus. It's extremely uncommon in the U.S. BOOTH: Immigrant, illegal. Sorry. No conjecting. I'm just being Boothy. So, what do you got there? BRENNAN: (she picks up the pelvis) Pelvis is male. Partial epiphyseal fusion indicates the victim to be in his teens. BOOTH: He was just a kid. BRENNAN: The markers on these bones are anomalous; even for an immigrant. I'd like to get them back to the lab to run some tests. BOOTH: Well, hold on, Bones. BRENNAN: FBI Forensics can continue the search. I'll send Clark to supervise. BOOTH: Bones, time-out. Hold on. You might want to take the skull back there that my people are holding. (A FBI tech holds up the skull) (Cut to: Royal Diner. Cam and Michelle are leaving. ) CAM: So, you and Perry going to get something to eat after the library? MICHELLE: Probably. CAM: Okay. But promise me you're going to... MICHELLE: Call if I'm going to be late, I know. CAM: Sorry. New mom. MICHELLE: It's okay. Oh, um, I wanted to ask you, you know that dance this weekend? CAM: The... formal? MICHELLE: Yeah. Perry and I thought it might be fun to, you know, make a whole night of it. Like, we'd rent a limo and go to breakfast in the morning and... CAM: The whole night? Well, Where would you sleep? MICHELLE: We wouldn't. That's the point. CAM: So, you and Perry would be spending the night together, not sleeping? MICHELLE: Why do you say it like that? CAM: Just thinking it through. That's all. (horn honking) MICHELLE: Oh, Here's Perry. I thought you liked Perry. CAM: Well, I do, but... MICHELLE: You'll think about it? CAM: Yeah. (Michelle gets into Perry's car) PERRRY: Hey, 'Chelle. MICHELLE: Hey. PERRY: Dr. Saroyan. CAM: Cam, Perry. Call me Cam. MICHELLE: Bye. CAM: Bye, guys. (She walks away but looks back and sees Perry kissing Michelle so she runs behind a tree to spy.) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Forensics Platform. Clark & Hodgins are unpacking boxes of evidence.) HODGINS: Flora! Oh, Clark, you shouldn't have. I presume that is for me. CLARK EDISON: Yeah, knock yourself out. (Angela enters the platform) ANGELA: Hey. Brennan said she found a skull, so...I can give you a face. CLARK: Yeah. It's right here; complete with perimortem fractures on the parietal. Looks like the victim was badly beaten. ANGELA: Brennan said this was a teenager, right? CLARK: Mm-hmm. Yeah. ANGELA: These clothing scraps look hand-stitched. Like his mom made them. That makes it sadder somehow. (Cam enters the platform) CAM: Where's Dr. Brennan? HODGINS: She's doing an isotope analysis. She thinks the victim might be from another country. CLARK: Oh, that makes sense. His cavities suggest that his drinking water wasn't fluoridated. CAM: When do teenagers start having sx? ANGELA: Hello! HODGINS: If they could, they'd start in the morning and go until they drop. CLARK: Please tell me this is about the case. ANGELA: This is about Michelle, isn't it? Is she having sx? CLARK: Working here is like being on The View. CAM: No. I meant "what age?" CLARK: Dr. Saroyan, um, may I be excused to attend to something more case-related? CAM: Oh, Dr. Brennan already requested that you suit up to supervise the FBI techs' retrieval of the remains at the train tracks. CLARK: Wait. Dr. Brennan wants me to put on a jumpsuit and walk along a railroad track? Mm-mmm. That is not a good look on a brother. ANGELA: I bet you were an early starter, weren't you, Clark? A prodigy, maybe? CLARK: Um, in case you haven't heard, um, Miss Montenegro, I have, uh, work to do. So, excuse me. (As he leaves, he runs into a table. Everyone is amused.) ANGELA: Yeah. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Bone Room.) BRENNAN: No pesticides. No evidence of processed foods. BOOTH: The kid's from the boonies. BRENNAN: No, it's more significant than that, Booth. Our victim grew up with no bone markers that indicate modern life. No evidence of contact with electricity or petrochemicals. BOOTH: Fine. Then we're back to an immigrant. Maybe a developing nation. BRENNAN: No. Isotopic analysis of his bone matches the geology of the Mid-Atlantic states. BOOTH: I don't get it. BRENNAN: Well, neither do I. Our victim was a teenage boy who died about two months ago, but according to the data, he grew up in the early 1800s. [Opening Credits] (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Autopsy Room/Cam's Office. Cam is sitting at her desk reading "Talking to Your Teen About sx" when Brennan enters. Cam tries to cover up the book.) BRENNAN: I...discovered the origins of our victim's markers. CAM: What? Discovered what? BRENNAN: Markers. CAM: Great. BRENNAN: He wasn't from the 19th century. I took dual X-ray absorpitometry scans of the pelvic bone and then computed... CAM: I trust your methods, Dr. Brennan. You can just skip to the conclusion. BRENNAN: Our dead teenager was Amish. CAM: Amish, like buggies and hats Amish? BRENNAN: Yes. CAM: Then let's call Booth. Maybe something will turn up on Missing Persons. BRENNAN: He's already checking. I'm going to meet him. (noticing Cam's book) Is that a cartoon rendering of a pen1s? CAM: Uh...Why, I guess it is. Look at that. BRENNAN: Why is it talking? CAM: Isn't Booth expecting you? BRENNAN: It's cute. (She leaves.) (Cut to: Booth's Car - Day.) BOOTH: So, Levi Yoder's parents filed a missing persons report about two months ago. Kid's a ringer for Angela's sketch. BRENNAN: He was probably on his rumspringa. That would explain the DMV photo. BOOTH: Well, what do you mean? BRENNAN: Amish don't drive while living in their community. BOOTH: No, I mean, uh, rum... rum what? BRENNAN: Rumspringa. It's the period when Amish youth are encouraged to explore the outside world. It translates to "running around." BOOTH: That's crazy. BRENNAN: No more crazy than your religion. BOOTH: Hey, look, we reject Satan, and they reject buttons. BRENNAN: Rumspringa is a quite rational way to help teens make an informed decision as to whether or not to be baptized into the Amish faith as adults. BOOTH: Right. Take a bunch of sheltered kids and set them loose-- recipe for disaster, if you ask me. BRENNAN: Well, actually, over 85% of Amish teens return and become full members of their church community. BOOTH: Really? Huh. BRENNAN: How many baptized Catholics are still practicing their faith in adulthood? BOOTH: Here we go with the Catholics again. You know what? I don't want to hear about the Pope's hat-again. Okay? He's got to wear it just like, you know, the guys in front of Buckingham Palace have to. BRENNAN: Well, it's quite ornate for a vow of poverty. Don't you think? (Cut to: Yoder Residence - Outside. Booth and Brennan are with Daniel and Rebecca Yoder) BOOTH: We're very sorry for your loss. Mr. Yoder: I tried to protect him. I told him the English world was dangerous and seductive. BOOTH: Well, where did he go? MR. YODER: Washington. He went with another boy, Josef Beachy. BRENNAN: So, then, he wasn't really missing. MRS. YODER: Not at first. He promised to call us once a week to check in. There's an English famy down the road that let us use their phone. Mr. YODER: Then the phone calls stopped. MRS. YODER: I spoke to Josef's parents. Josef told them that he and Levi hadn't been living together for quite some time. MR. YODER: We contacted the police and filed a missing persons report. BOOTH: The last time you spoke to your son, did he seem disappointed or sad about anything? MRS. YODER: No. He sounded alive. Happy. (she breaks down, sobbing) BRENNAN: Would it be all right if we took a look in his room? (They nod and lead Booth and Brennan into the house) (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office. A picture of the area around the train tracks is on the screen) ANGELA: Okay, the good news is that this span of track only uses southbound trains, which means the body most likely came from the north. CAM: And the bad news? ANGELA: Well, we're still missing a lot of body parts. And north of this section, there are multiple switch points where the tracks branch out into dozens of other lines. Clark's looking at a lot of hot hours under the sun. CAM: Okay. Send him the routes he has to search. ANGELA: Hey. What's goin' on with Michelle? CAM: Michelle has this boyfriend, Perry... ANGELA: Oh, I met him. He's a hottie. (Hodgins enters carrying a tray) HODGINS: Who's a hottie? ANGELA: Perry. Michelle's boyfriend. HODGINS: Yeah, sure. If you like athletic, confident, young... ANGELA: Studly. SAROYAN: Okay. Let's not say "studly", please. (to Hodgins) Do you have something for me? HODGINS: Yeah, that vine on the bones? It's kudzu. The growth rate suggests the body parts had been undisturbed for approximately two months. CAM: So, the victim must have died shortly after the last time he spoke to his parents. HODGINS: Perry's a senior, isn't he? You know, that might be why he's pressuring Michelle to have sx. ANGELA: Why do you think he ispressuring her? Women want sx just as much as men. CAM: Yeah, well, she's a child. She still has stuffed animals. ANGELA: Well, I did, too, at 16 and I also had Brian. All you can do is tell her to respect herself and use protection. HODGINS: During the Crusades, knights used to lock up their wives and daughters. CAM: How helpful. Anything else, Hodgins? And let's try something case-related this time. HODGINS: Right. Yes. May I? (he takes the remote) So, the victim's bones, they were covered in a sedimentary rock dust comprised of carbon, nitrogen, oxygen and sulfur, so as indicated, he was most likely hooked beneath a coal car. ANGELA: Hmm. Well, that eliminates the need for me to search for passenger-only trains. Which means I can focus on which lines used coal cars. Hey, listen, Cam, every teenager goes through this. Think about what you went through. CAM: (nods - then realizes...) Me? Oh, God! Wh-What am I gonna do? (Cut to: Yoder Residence - Levi's Room.) BOOTH: Well, there's no posters, there's no video games. Tell you what, if I was a teenager, I'd want out of this place, too. (he sits on the bed) Nice quilt, though, huh? (he reaches under the bed) Oh, ooh! What do we have here, huh? What is this, some kind of an Amish thing, Bones? BRENNAN: Rock collection. I don't, I don't think so. (Mrs. Yoder appears in the doorway) BOOTH: Mrs. Yoder, do you have any idea why your son would keep these under his bed? MRS. YODER: No. I've never seen those before. BOOTH: Right. We should get these to Sweets to take a look at. BRENNAN: Why? Hodgins would be the one to know if stones would have any evidentiary value. BOOTH: A kid hides rocks underneath his bed. They're gonna mean something. Not to Hodgins. Here. MRS. YODER: That photograph of Levi, is it possible for me to keep it? BRENNAN: (to Booth) The Amish don't use cameras; she probably doesn't have any other pictures of her son. BOOTH: (to Brennan)Yeah. (to Mrs. Yoder) Of course. Here you go. (Booth hands the picture to Mrs. Yoder. She takes it, traces his face and starts to sob) (Cut to: Yoder Residence. Booth and Brennan are walking out the door. Booth is on his phone finishing up a call) BOOTH: (into phone) Okay, that's great. Thanks. (he hangs up, then to Brennan) So, listen, the FBI is tracking down the address for this Josef kid. We'll have it in a few - (Booth spots a girl walking behind the clothing lines) BOOTH: Hello there. SARAH: Are you here about Levi? BOOTH: Were you two friends? AMOS: Sarah. You're needed at home. BOOTH: (raising his badge) Clearly she's busy right now. SARAH: No, please, it's okay. It's my brother. I have to go. AMOS: Sarah! BOOTH (whispering): Excuse me. Listen. If you need anything, here's my card. You can call me any time. AMOS: Sarah, now! (She walks over to her brother and they get in the buggy and drive away) BRENNAN: The males are clearly dominant. BOOTH: Yeah, clearly. Look. So we got the address for Josef Beachy. Here we go. (Cut to: Apartment Complex - Night. Booth and Brennan are outside 1B looking for Josef Beachy.) BOOTH: Josef Beachy! FBI! Open up! (A kid opens the door holding a bong. Loud music is playing and everyone is drinking) BOOTH: Seriously, I yelled "FBI," and you opened up the door holding that? JOSEF BEACHY: There's nothing going on here, Officer. BOOTH: You're holding a bong! Josef Beachy? JOSEF: Yeah, that's me. BOOTH: Come on. You're coming with us. Come on. (They leave, but Brennan goes back and opens the door.) BRENNAN: (yelling) This is not in the proper spirit of rumspringa! BOOTH: Bones! (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Interrogation Room. Booth and Brennan are talking with Josef) JOSEF: Levi moved out a few months ago. I haven't seen him since. BRENNAN: Well, we were told you were going through your rumspringa together. Why would he leave? JOSEF: Parties weren't his thing. That's kind of what rumspringa's for, right? Cut loose, go a little crazy. BOOTH: Getting busted for smoking weed. BRENNAN: It's supposed to be a time to contemplate your future faith. JOSEF: Well, yeah. I was seeing how in the future I wouldn't want to smoke weed. BOOTH: Maybe Levi threatened to tell your parents that you were a stoner and you had to stop him. JOSEF: Look, man, Levi had his own secrets. No way he'd risk telling on me. BRENNAN: What kind of secrets? JOSEF: I don't know, but he used to disappear for hours, never tell anyone where he was going. Even back home, there were times he'd tell his folks he was at work, but I knew that that wasn't true. BOOTH: Do you know where Levi went after he moved out? JOSEF: Uh, like I said, we didn't really keep in touch. (laughs) You know, I know I will end up going back to the church. I just got to get all the wild out, but Levi - (he gets serious) He always seemed like he had other plans. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Ookey Room. Hodgins is examining something under a microscope) HODGINS: Ah. CAM: Are those the rocks from the victim's room? HODGINS: Yup. Just finishing up now. (to Sweets, who is putting on gloves) What are you doing? SWEETS: Oh, Booth asked me to take a look. HODGINS: At rocks? That is so my domain. CAM: Meaning you found something? HODGINS: Depends how you define "something". I mean, all rocks are a tangible representation of the awe-inspiring passage of time on this tiny planet that we call... CAM: Hodgins. HODGINS: They're your basic Paleozoic-era metamorphic rocks. (Sweets notices somethng and starts putting the rocks in place) HODGINS: They're the kind of rocks that you clear awaywhen you're plowing a field, so there's nothing distinguishing about them whatsoever, except for the awe-inspiring passage of time thing. CAM: What about the feathers? HODGINS: Uh, eastern bluebird. They're a pretty common songbird. SWEETS: Guys, I think I know what these are. There are 88 of these. 52 relatively light in color. 36 dark. CAM: Okay. SWEETS: Piano. CAM: You think this is a piano? HODGINS: For Fred Flinstone, maybe. SWEETS: No. Like a practice keyboard. You've seen them; I used to use one when I took lessons. Plus, the songbird feathers are further signifiers of music. He kept it hidden under his bed because Levi was ashamed. The Amish aren't supposed to play musical instruments. HODGINS: So then, where does a kid like Levi learn about pianos? SWEETS: Well, Booth said that he had a job in town, right? Every small town has at least one piano teacher. CAM: I'll tell Booth. (Sweet's starts 'playing' the 'keyboard') HODGINS: What are you doing? SWEETS: Playing the theme to Titanic. HODGINS: Even not hearing it, I hate that song. SWEETS: Not the way I play it. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Platform. Brennan is examining remains as Clark returns with boxes of evidence from the tracks.) BRENNAN: Were you able to get some photos of brake rigging? CLARK: Yeah, I got them. I got the photos, I got the bones, I got bit by God knows what kind of bugs out there. BRENNAN: Oh, perhaps Hodgins can identify them for you. Trauma is consistent with his body lying face up as an exposed gear lever hooked him in the sternum. CLARK: Have you found the cause of death yet? BRENNAN: No, not yet. There's evidence of perimortem fractures, but until I get more bones, I won't be able to see a pattern. CLARK: Dr. Bernard covered all the tracks between the bridge and the, uh, switch point. BRENNAN: Well, we're still missing over 60% of the vertebrae. Not to mention a number of extremities. CLARK: Animal scavengers must have made off with the rest of the bones. BRENNAN: You have to regroup the tech team and start another search, this time focusing on secluded brush areas within 50 yards on either side of the tracks, where animal feeding sites would likely appear. CLARK: Actually, I'm more of a lab rat, Dr. Brennan. Perhaps somebody more outdoorsy would be better. BRENNAN: Clark, if there's spinal damage that corresponds to the compression fractures on the lung bones, we could have cause of death. I need those bones. You're the most qualified. (Clarks scratches his neck) Don't scratch your neck with the gloves. CLARK: (using a southern accent) Well, is it all right if I get a drink of water, boss? You know, uh, it's awful hot out there, and them tools is mighty heavy. BRENNAN: Of course you can get water. Why are you talking like that? CLARK: Never mind. I'm going. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Cam's Office. Michelle shows up.) CAM: Michelle! What are you doing here? MICHELLE: We got out early for an assembly, so... CAM: Come in. Sit down. MICHELLE: Oh, thanks. (she sits) I was wondering. Have you had a chance to think about the dance? CAM: Michelle, are you having sx? MICHELLE: Excuse me? CAM: It's no big deal. I just...Well, no, it is a big deal. It's a really, really big deal. MICHELLE: This is none of your business. CAM: It is. I'm your legal guardian, Michelle. MICHELLE: Oh, so you can just boss me around any way you want? CAM: No. I think I'm understanding, but sx... sx is...Well, when two people have sx, when the body is secreting hormones...When men and women and sx are...Some people believe that God will smite you. Just a thought. MICHELLE: You're not my mother. CAM: I know, Michelle. I love you, and I don't want to see you get hurt. MICHELLE: Your only job was keeping me out of foster care after my father died and you did that. So don't pretend there's anything more. CAM: Michelle... MICHELLE: I've got homework. (She grabs her backpack and walks out) CAM: Michelle... [SCENE_BREAK] (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Booth's Office. A video of Levi playing the piano is playing on the screen. Booth is talking with his piano teacher, Eleanor Turner.) ELEANOR TURNER: That was only his third lesson. He was playing Handel by ear. I had to record it. I was so flabbergasted. (The song finishes and Booth takes the CD out of the computer) BOOTH: So, Mrs. Tuner, you said that, uh, Levi worked for your husband? ELEANOR: In construction, yes. Uh, Levi brought some receipts to our home - a couple years ago - and I was with a student, and she was practicing Fur Elise. BOOTH: Ah. Beethoven. I took a few piano lessons, but, you know, all thumbs, so couldn't quite work it out. (They both laugh) ELEANOR: Levi was fascinated, so I invited him to watch. And after my student left, I suggested Levi touch a few keys. Well, he was shy. But once he sat down, the boy was a natural. BOOTH: You started giving him lessons? ELEANOR: Mm-hmm. I never charged him. He was a prodigy. BOOTH: Mrs. Turner, during these secret lessons, did you notice if he was conflicted at all? ELEANOR: Oh, my, yes. I encouraged him to use his rumspringa to decide whether his love of music was strong enough for him to consider leaving his faith. BOOTH: Did you keep in contact with him? ELEANOR: For a while. Then I never heard from him anymore. (She reaches into her bag and pulls out another CD and hands it to Booth.) ELEANOR: This was the last thing Levi sent me. He wanted me to know that he had made friends. They were helping him to audition for the National Conservatory, and he seemed so excited. (Booth plays the video. Levi is sitting at a piano, at an apartment, playing Scott Joplin's "Maple Leaf Rag") ELEANOR: (voice shaking) It's just not fair that he's gone. (On the video, a girl is playing the piano with him) Such a gift. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Angela's Office. The video that Eleanor showed Booth and Brennan is playing.) BRENNAN: Okay, we know he was in D.C., but it would be helpful to have an area of town to focus on. ANGELA: Okay, I'll see if I can locate any distinctive architectural markers outside the windows. (On video) TONY: Okay, Karen, let's switch. (On video) KAREN: Hey, Tony, do the Mozart. (On video) TONY: Mozart? (On video) KAREN: Yeah. CAM: You can hear them call each other Karen and Tony. ANGELA: These are some talented kids. (On the video, Levi plays "Mozart Violin Piano Sonata No. 21 in E Minor, K. 304 - 1st Movement" while Tony plays violin.) ANGELA: These buildings have Queen Anne detail like a corbeled cornice. Most of the older neighborhoods have these. I'm going to need more. (song ends on video) (On video) TONY: Okay, Levi, do your audition piece. (On video) LEVI: Okay. ANGELA: : He's adorable. (Levi plays a song by Chopin. There's a distant sound of a train whistle blowing.) ANGELA: Did you hear that? That noise in the background? Maybe we don't need architectural markers. (Angela analyzes the audio on the screen) BRENNAN: The train. ANGELA: Architecturally, these buildings could be in one of six neighborhoods. But this building here is the only one that's right next to the train track. I'll triangulate the structures outside the windows and bingo, there's the apartment building. (Angela, Cam & Brennan continue to watch the video of Levi playing.) ANGELA: It's so sad. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Conference Room. Booth and Brennan play the video for them Karen Lin and Tony Salina, the people who were in the video with Levi.) BOOTH: So, that's, uh, your apartment in the video, isn't it? KAREN LIN: Levi lived in some party place. I had room. My building's not the greatest but it was better than where he was living. BOOTH: So, how did you two know Levi? TONY SALINA: It was about six months ago. Karen and I were walking by one of the practice rooms of the conservatory. We heard this piano; it was so beautiful. Levi, he'd snuck in to play. One thing just led to another, and we sort of adopted him. KAREN: I had this gold medal, not real gold, just something I'd won at a music competition when I was a kid. But to Levi, it was the most beautiful thing ever. So, I gave it to him for good luck. I guess it didn't work very well. BRENNAN: How come you didn't file a missing person's report when he disappeared? TONY: We just figured he'd changed his mind about the conservatory and gone back to his family. BOOTH: Why would you think that? KAREN: His dad had come to see him and probably convinced him to come home. Amish don't approve of playing music. BOOTH: Hold on. His dad was there? KAREN: A few days before Levi was supposed to audition, I went to the apartment and when I left, I saw a full-on Amish guy heading towards the building. And I tried to introduce myself, but he just ignored me. He seemed pretty pissed to be honest. (Cut to: The Yoder Residence - Outside in the barn.) MR. YODER: How dare you accuse me of harming my own son?! BOOTH: Mr. Yoder... MR. YODER: I would never raise a hand to my boy! BOOTH: Not even if your livelihood was at stake? BRENNAN: Levi was your only child. I-I can see the arthritis in your metacarpals and phalanges. You needed a son's help to keep this farm going. BOOTH: You found out about the audition, you and Levi fought, there was an accident. BRENNAN: You took his body to the tracks... MR. YODER: How can you say those things to me?! You think this farm is more important to me than my own son? He was my son! MRS. YODER: My husband hasn't left this farm in over two years. What are you talking about? What audition? BRENNAN: For the National Conservatory. MRS. YODER: A conservatory? BRENNAN: Your son was an extraordinarily gifted classical musician. MRS. YODER: No. There are no instruments here. BOOTH: I know, that's why your son had to sneak into town for lessons. MR. YODER: We would've known something like that. BRENNAN: Not if he knew you'd disapprove. MRS. YODER: So he ran away because he couldn't trust us? (Cut to: Booth's Car - Day. Booth and Brennan are driving back to FBI Headquarters) BOOTH: I don't believe he had anything to do with it. BRENNAN: What, your gut again? BOOTH: I'm a father; he's a father. Okay, it's something you just wouldn't understand. BRENNAN: Would you advise Parker that sexual intercourse at age 16 is a wise decision? BOOTH: What? How did you know that? Wait, what are we talking about? BRENNAN: Michelle. Cam is afraid Michelle is having sx. BOOTH: Oh, no, that's not good. BRENNAN: Well, you just said that you were having sx when you were 16! BOOTH: Mm-mmm, that's different. BRENNAN: Oh, so there's a double standard? BOOTH: Of course. You know what? Cam needs to shut that down. Finished. BRENNAN: I said that Michelle should wait until she's at least 17-and-a-half. BOOTH: Is that how old you were? BRENNAN: No, I was 22. BOOTH: Twenty-two?! BRENNAN: Well, don't..why do you sound shocked? BOOTH: No, it's just...That's a good age. Twenty-two? BRENNAN: It was an important decision. I gave it a lot of thought. I finally found a man who could provide a skillful introduction.. BOOTH: Okay, you make it t sound ke it was a class that you took. All right, you know, the first time you should be in love. You know, totally "goo-goo" for the other person. BRENNAN: Were you when you were 16? BOOTH: Well, part of me was. BRENNAN: (she laughs) And if Michelle feels this way, do you think she should be having sx? BOOTH: No, Michelle should not be having sx until she's 22. (Booth's phone rings) BOOTH: Yeah? SWEETS: (on phone) Yeah, there's someone here to see you. She just spent hours on a bus by herself. Says she only wants to talk to you. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Conference Room. Booth and Brennan are talking with Sarah.) SARAH: Levi and I, we were in love. A few months before he left Lancaster, we started courting. BOOTH: Did you know why he was going to D.C.? SARAH: Music.I thought it was important he get it out of his system before we married. BOOTH: Did you stay in touch with him while he was in the city? SARAH: He wrote me letters. He talked about going to the conservatory. I began to worry I'd lost him. I shared my fears with my brother, Amos. I'm afraid now that was a mistake. BOOTH: Your brother, Amos, has a temper, doesn't he? SARAH: It's been a struggle for him. BOOTH: Did he get upset with you when you talked to him about Levi? SARAH: Yes. I told him how close we'd been. BRENNAN: Sexually? SARAH: No! Levi and I, we didn't do that. But I don't think Amos believed me. About two months ago, he left for the day. Said he had some business to do. BOOTH: Do you think he was going after Levi? SARAH: I'm not sure but shortly after that, Amos told me that I should try to forget about Levi. That he might never come back. And then when I didn't hear from Levi again, I just... (BRENNAN puts her hand on Sarah's wrist to comfort her.) BRENNAN: It's okay. SARAH: I love my brother. I hate to suspect him of something so awful but I had to tell someone. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Bone Room. Clark, Hodgins and Angela are in there when Cam enters.) CAM: Why are there two massive train wheels blocking the loading dock? CLARK: They're filled with dried, mangled body bits and bones. Dr. Brennan wants me to examine them for defensive wounds. CAM: Only she didn't ask you to bring in the whole train. ANGELA: We may have cause of death. Karen Lin's apartment is on the fourth floor of the building. Underneath the balcony in the alley is a Dumpster. HODGINS: Now, I swabbed the perimortem fractures on the victim's skull. I found a powder coating similar to the type used on industrial-strength Dumpsters. CLARK: I identified the perimortem ring fracture on the base of the skull as well as the corresponding damage on the top of the spinal column. Those injuries indicate that the victim fell from Karen Lin's balcony and then landed headfirst into the lid of the Dumpster, thereby severing his spine. HODGINS: FBI techs confirm that the Dumpster has a dent consistent with our scenario, as well as residue of dried blood on the steel, which matches Levi Yoder. CAM: Anything linking the assault to Karen Lin or her boyfriend? CAM: No. That's why I should start digging the remains out of the train wheels. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Interrogation Room. Booth is talking to Sarah's brother, Amos.) AMOS: Levi abandoned my sister after courting her. What kind of brother would I be if I didn't try to intercede? I told him his rumspringa was over. That it was time to do the right thing and come home to Sarah. BOOTH: That's it? AMOS: He said that there was something pulling him away. He felt possessed. BOOTH: Music? AMOS: How could he leave my sister for something so frivolous? BOOTH: And you wanted to hit him. AMOS: I shook him. I grabbed him and I shook him and it was shameful. I apologized. Then he tried to explain. He played something for me. I never heard anything like it. It was called "Clair de Lune" and it sounded like a sunrise. Something that beautiful, I have to believe that it came from God. BOOTH: Hmm, and that's not what your religion says. AMOS: I cannot pretend to know what the Lord has planned for any of us. That's the greatest sin, you know? Speaking for God. I told Levi that I would make sure that Sarah was looked after. BOOTH: And that's it? AMOS: No. He was going to be my brother. I hugged him and then I left. (Cut to: Royal Diner - Day. Cam is sitting at the counter, eating, when Michelle enters.) MICHELLE: I didn't mean what I said. I know you care. CAM: Oh, it's okay. I... I handled things badly, I guess. MICHELLE: Can I sit? CAM: I think so. (she sits) Look, Michelle, I...This is all new to me, too. So, I'm sorry if we got off on the wrong foot. MICHELLE: My dad always wanted me to be independent. To think for myself, you know? CAM: And you talked to him about boys? MICHELLE: (laughing) Are you kidding? How weird would that be? Did you talk to your dad about boys? CAM: Oh, God, no. No, my mom told him to go bowling. She knew he'd have a meltdown. My dad still thinks I'm a...His little girl. MICHELLE: I didn't know. I never had a mom. CAM: So, you and Perry... ? MICHELLE: No. He wants to, but he's not pressuring me or anything...but I'm scared. Is that weird? I mean, it's just sx, right? It's a a over the TV and everywhere. CAM: Whoa, there's no such thing as "just sx", Michelle. Every time, you give a bit of yourself to the person you're with. So, it's okay to wait. As long as you want. MICHELLE: But I don't want to lose Perry. CAM: If Perry doesn't understand how you feel, he doesn't deserve you. MICHELLE: I wanted to talk to you. I really did. But I just didn't want you to be disappointed in me. CAM: Oh, Michelle. That's what I was afraid of, too. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Platform. Clark and Angela are on platform; Brennan joins them.) BRENNAN: Have you found anything pertinent on the bones you found in the wheels? CLARK: I'm still reassembling the fragments from the right foot, but the left arm and hand are all there. BRENNAN: (examines the bones) The fractures on these phalanges, there's barely discernible rounding along the edges. The fractures occurred before Levi was killed. CLARK: Whatever injured him was most likely a flat object with a straight edge. ANGELA: Wait, how much force would it take to do something like that? BRENNAN: Hmm, about 120 pounds per square inch. ANGELA: Hey, the keyboard lid could've exerted that much force. It could've happened when he was practicing at the conservatory. CLARK: So, someone breaks a piano player's hand a few days before his big audition. BRENNAN: There was only one place available at the conservatory. Tony was already in, but Levi was competing with Karen for the spot. ANGELA: Which means that she had motive to try to sabotage his audition. She accidentally injures him, hoping that he'll slink back to Amish Country. BRENNAN: And when that doesn't work, she kills him. Inference, not conjecture. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Booth and Brennan are coming down the stairs by Brennan's office.) BRENNAN: Agents have picked up Karen Lin and are bringing her to the FBI. I'll pack everything up. BOOTH: All right, I'll go get the car. (She heads into her office, Booth heads down the hall and smirks when he sees Perry waiting down the hall) BOOTH: Perry, right? Michelle's boyfriend? PERRY: Yes, sir, Perry Wilson. Michelle's with Cam. She told me to wait here. BOOTH: FBI Special Agent Seeley Booth PERRY: FBI? BOOTH: Michelle's, uh, family to me. I'm her number one uncle. PERRY: Really, sh-she didn't mention you... BOOTH: I'm also a trained sniper. PERRY: Okay, wow. BOOTH: Uh, Listen, Perry, all right. You're a red-blooded, young man and Michelle is, uh, an attractive young girl. So, I assume that you... PERRY: What? No! No, no. BOOTH: Because Michelle deserves your respect. You understand? PERRRY: I do. I do respect her. We were just gonna go to a movie tonight. BOOTH: Right, and if you behave any way less than a gentleman towards her, I'll find you. I think we understand each other, right? PERRY: Yes, sir. BOOTH: Michelle, hi! We were just talking about what you were doing tonight. MICHELLE: Yeah, we're going to the movies. PERRY: Just a movie. That's all, mo-vie. (Brennan joins them) BOOTH: Hey, Bones, um, you've met Perry, Michelle's boyfriend. BRENNAN: Yes. Nice to see you again. I heard about Princeton; you have a very bright future ahead of you. PERRY: I hope so. BOOTH: Me, too. You have fun tonight, okay? (Booth and Brennan leave.) PERRY: A sniper. Good man. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Interrogation Room. Booth, Brennan and Karen are watching the video of Levi playing the Mozart Violin Piano Sonata No. 21 in E Minor, K. 304 - 1st Movement) BOOTH: So, you were competing with Levi for a spot at the conservatory. KAREN: No, I wasn't. My grandfather used to be a dean, and I've been taking private lessons there since I was six. So, my admission had nothing to do with the audition process. BOOTH: Yet you were the only pianist in your class. KAREN: Yeah, because none of the other applicants were good enough to get in this year. Sure Levi would've gotten in. I mean, he was better than everyone. He was better than me. BRENNAN: Did you see Levi at the conservatory the day before he disappeared when his hand got smashed? KAREN: His hand? I-I have no idea wh... BOOTH: Someone crushed his hand, Karen. Didn't want him to audition. He died at your apartment. You were the last person to see him alive. KAREN: This is crazy! He wasn't even there the last time that I went. His stuff was there, but his money was gone. BOOTH: How do you know his money was gone? KAREN: Levi didn't trust banks, and I had this old rolltop desk with a secret drawer in it and that's where he kept his money and it was gone. BRENNAN: But his stuff was still there? KAREN: Yeah, I just, I figured that if his father made him come home, then he wanted to leave everything from this life behind. BOOTH: Guaranteeing you a place at the conservatory. KAREN: I was trying to help him get in! I picked his audition piece. I could never hurt Levi. I loved him. BOOTH: Loved him? Did your boyfriend know that? Right, maybe he just liked him out of the way. KAREN: Tony wasn't even around the weekend that Levi disappeared. You can ask his parents. He was at his grandma's funeral. I'm not gonna say anything else. I don't have to; I'm not saying anything. (Cut to: Medico Legal Lab - Forensics Platform - Cam cut with FBI Headquarters - Booth's Office. Booth & Brennan are on the phone with Cam.) CAM: FBI techs found a grand piano at the conservatory with bits of dried flesh and blood inside the keyboard lid. BOOTH: What about the fingerprints? CAM: There were some partials on the lid directly above the spot where Levi's left hand was broken. BRENNAN: We still have Karen Lin in custody. We can get her prints for comparison. CAM: Don't need to, we already have a match. The prints are Levi's. BRENNAN: Levi broke his own hand? CAM: That's what the evidence says. BOOTH: Thanks, Cam. (He hangs up) BRENNAN: Levi broke his own hand? It's not logical. BOOTH: If Levi decided to move back to his family, he wanted to remove all temptations, so he wouldn't change his mind. BRENNAN: You-you seriously think that he was choosing his religion over his music? BOOTH: Or maybe it was just over this girl, Sarah. I mean, either way it makes sense. BRENNAN: No, it doesn't! To destroy a gift like that for a girl or religion, it's awful and it-it still doesn't give us a killer. BOOTH: Wait a minute. Money, what about the money? What if this was all about the money? BRENNAN: What money? BOOTH: The money. Levi's cash; we never found. The cash and that fake gold medal that Karen supposedly gave him. Did that ever show up? BRENNAN: Not yet, no. BOOTH: The cash. What if this was all about the money? Come on, Bones. (Cut to: FBI Headquarters - Voiceover over montage of Booth bringing the thief to the interrogation room) BOOTH; He was a petty thief. We arrested him in Baltimore. Seven other residents in Karen Lin's building reported missing items right around the time that Levi died. Jewelry, silverware, cash. (Fade into: Medico Legal Lab - Booth and Brennan are seated in the lounge area) BRENNAN: So, it was just a robbery. BOOTH: Well, the thief was some stupid kid who hocked a bunch of stolen items about a month ago. (Flashback to Booth talking to the thief in the interrogation room at FBI Headquarters. He signs a confession.) BOOTH: He also tried pawning the gold medal. He didn't know it was fake. The kid said that's what Levi was fighting for when he fell over the railing. BRENNAN: Levi was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. (Fade back to lounge) Guess that will certainly justify his parents removing themselves from the world. BOOTH: Can't blame them now. BRENNAN: But what Levi discovered; the gift he had. Would their God really want them to deny their son that? (Cut to: Yoder Residence. Booth, Brennan, Daniel and Rebecca are seated around a table inside the house.) BOOTH: Levi planned to return. We thought it was important that you knew that. BRENNAN: He considered life outside the community, but he wanted to come home. BOOTH: We brought you something. (Brennan pulls out a portable DVD player) MR. YODER: I'm sorry, but we can't accept that. BRENNAN: In this case, I think God will understand. (Brennan plays the video for Levi's parents) (On video) KAREN: Levi, if you want to get into the conservatory, you have to learn to perform. You're amazing! MR. YODER: Our son. (On the video, Levi is playing a song by Chopin.) MRS. YODER: It's so beautiful. (The end montage cuts between Mr & Mrs. Yoder watching the video in amazement and sadness, Levi, happy and alive, playing in real time and Booth and Brennan outside the house on the porch knowing that even though they solved the case, the conclusion is bittersweet.) END.	Plan: A: Booth; Q: Who helps keep Michelle in line? A: the case; Q: What are Brennan and Booth called to do when human remains are found alongside the railroad? A: The bones; Q: What belongs to Levi Yoder? A: the Amish community; Q: What community was Levi Yoder a member of? A: roughly two months; Q: How long did Levi Yoder disappear? A: his Rumspringa; Q: What is the Amish term for exploring the outside world? A: a piano prodigy; Q: What was Levi Yoder's talent? A: their investigation; Q: What leads Brennan and Booth to believe that Levi's extraordinary talent may have led to his untimely death? A: Meanwhile, Cam copes; Q: What is Cam doing with the stress of being a new parent? A: Michelle; Q: Who is Cam's stepdaughter? Summary: When human remains are found alongside the railroad, Brennan and Booth are called to the case. The bones belong to Levi Yoder, a member of the Amish community who disappeared roughly two months prior to his Rumspringa, or exploration of the outside world. Brennan and Booth discover that Levi was a piano prodigy, and their investigation leads them to believe that his extraordinary talent may have lead him to an untimely death. Meanwhile, Cam copes with the stress that comes from being a new parent, and Booth helps keep Cam's stepdaughter Michelle in line.
•I do not own the characters or situations of BTVS, and I claim no credit for the content of this episode. I have merely transcribed what appeared on my screen, with help from the closed captions. •I prefer that you link to this transcript on the Psyche site rather than post it on your site, but you can post it on your site if you want, as long as you keep my name and email address on it. Please also keep my disclaimers intact. •You can use my transcripts in your fanfiction stories; you don't have to ask my permission. (However, if you use large portions of episode dialogue in your fanfic, I recommend you give credit to the person who wrote the episode.) •I apologize in advance for my lame transcription of the fight scenes. I don't know the names of different punches and kicks. Use your imagination. [SCENE_BREAK] GILES VOICEOVER: Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer... The gang in the magic shop. WILLOW: Hey Dawnie. XANDER: So, uh, anything new about Warren and the Nerd Herd? DAWN: No. XANDER: Man, a nerd goes into hiding, he really goes into hiding. Dawn and Willow in the Bronze. DAWN: Big wedding coming up ... lots of date possibilities ... you and Tara are speaking again. You wanna call her? WILLOW: No. But if I did call? She wouldn't hang up on me. Dawn and Buffy in Dawn's bedroom. DAWN: You can't even stand to be around me. BUFFY: That is not true. DAWN: You didn't wanna come back. Buffy and Spike in the crypt. BUFFY: It's over. SPIKE: I've memorized this tune, luv. BUFFY: I'm using you. And it's killing me. I'm sorry, William. Anya in the Bison Lodge wearing her wedding gown. ANYA: This is it. Buffy poking her head in. BUFFY: Are you ready to go? Willow pulling Buffy into the hall. WILLOW: He's gone. ANYA: Xander's gone? Xander's missing? The wedding guests turning to look. Buffy looking upset. Xander walking in the rain. ANYA: What do you mean Xander's missing? [SCENE_BREAK] Teaser [SCENE_BREAK] Open on a dark street, night. Buffy walks along, wearing a jacket, cap and gloves, holding two pieces of stapled-together paper that she studies as she walks. Zoom in closer and we see the paper is a list titled "New Rentals." The first page has a series of paragraphs, each one crossed out with red pen. Buffy stops walking, frowns at the paper, looks up at a nearby house, walks toward it. Cut to: close shot on a computer monitor showing Buffy walking toward the camera. Pan over and we see several more monitors next to it on a desk. Pan further and we see Jonathan sitting there, leaning his head on his hand, asleep. In background we see Andrew reading something. Andrew looks up. The barrel of a gun appears, inches from Jonathan's head. Suddenly water squirts out of it and all over Jonathan's face. He wakes up and jumps up with a gasp. Andrew bursts into laughter. We see Warren holding the Super-Soaker. ANDREW: Oh man, your face was priceless. JONATHAN: (angry) Yeah, real funny. WARREN: It serves you right for taking Z's on lookout again. JONATHAN: What do you expect? I haven't had a decent night's sleep since... (Warren glaring at him) I mean, I'm going Jack Torrence in here, you know? Stuck in this basement for weeks! I mean, we rented the whole house, can't we at least sleep upstairs? ANDREW: We're on the lam. We have to lay low. Underground? JONATHAN: It's figurative, doofus! Did you even read Legion of Doom? (Andrew jumping up in outrage) WARREN: Okay, enough! Midgetor, get back to the monitors. The last thing we need is to be surprised by- ANDREW: (looking at monitors) Holy Geez Louise. Pan over to the monitors where another view reveals Buffy peering in the windows of the house. JONATHAN: The-the- WARREN: The frickin' Slayer. JONATHAN: She's right there! WARREN: All right, don't panic. Andrew ... deploy your little friend. Andrew grins and nods. He turns and picks up a very long wooden tube about three inches in diameter, painted with various abstract designs. He sits back in his chair, puts his mouth to one end of the tube and blows. It makes a low sound like a flugelhorn. Cut to outside. Buffy, walking around the building, hears the horn sound. She continues walking. She rounds a corner and finds an alley, dark, containing a pickup truck and a car. Buffy walks into the alley, looking from her piece of paper to the house and back. Something drops from the roof of the Nerds' house and lands behind Buffy. She turns to look at it. BUFFY: Oh. Hi. It's an ugly demon with waxy skin and weird marble-like eyes. It growls and advances. BUFFY: You didn't by chance happen to just eat a couple of nerds, did you? The demon takes a swing at her and she leans back to avoid it. It swings again and then tries a roundhouse kick, which Buffy ducks underneath. She blocks a punch and punches it in the stomach, then kicks it back. The demon hits her and she goes down. It grabs her and throws her against the car. She lands on the hood, sits up and kicks the demon with both feet. As it reels back, she stands up on the hood. The demon goes to punch her and she leaps up onto the car's roof. The demon punches the hood where she just was. It tries to hit her legs but she jumps up, crouches on the hood and kicks the demon again. She does a flip off the car onto the ground while kicking the demon again, and it goes down. Buffy picks up a metal garbage can and slams it down onto the demon. It gets up as she raises the can for another blow. The demon shoves the garbage can out of Buffy's hands, then hits her in the face. She spins around and ends up with her face pressed against the car window. The demon grabs her from behind, she spins around again and hits it. It reels backward. They trade kicks and the demon's head goes through the car window, breaking it. Close shot on the demon's hand pressed against the car door. A long thin bony spike suddenly shoots out of its knuckle. The demon struggles with its head and shoulders still inside the car. Buffy grabs it and it elbows her off, turns around, grabs her and holds her tightly against its body. The demon raises its hand with the spike still sticking out of it. Buffy sees the spike for the first time and looks alarmed. The demon stabs the spike into her shoulder. Buffy screams. Flash-cut to a room with plain white walls. Buffy is in the corner between two walls, wearing a plain gray shirt, screaming and struggling as two men try to hold her down. One man is injecting something into her arm in exactly the spot where the demon skewered her. MAN 1: You're gonna hurt yourself! MAN 2: She's gonna break the needle. (removes needle from Buffy's arm) We're gonna have to strap her down. Buffy continues struggling and gasping. Cut to a wider shot. We see a bed in the middle of the room, with leather restraints strapped to it. There are two narrow windows next to where the two men are struggling with Buffy. The men both wear plain white outfits. Slowly Buffy stops struggling and goes limp, still panting. The two men hold her upright against the wall. Cut to the hallway. We see a door with a small square window, through which we can see into the room where Buffy is. A young man in a gray outfit similar to Buffy's walks by, accompanied by a man in a doctor's jacket. Pan to wider shot and we can clearly see the hallway of this hospital, populated with other patients and doctors and nurses. Wolf howl. Opening credits. Guest starring Danny Strong, Adam Busch, Tom Lenk, Dean Butler, Michael Warren, Kirsten Nelson, Amber Benson as Tara, and Kristine Sutherland as Joyce. Written by Diego Gutierrez, directed by Rick Rosenthal. [SCENE_BREAK] Act I [SCENE_BREAK] Open on Buffy in the alley, leaning against the car, apparently unconscious. She comes to with a start, looks around, makes an expression of pain and rubs her arm. She straightens up and looks around, frowning. No sign of the demon. Buffy pushes away from the car and begins to walk off, still holding her arm. Cut to: UC Sunnydale campus, day. Various students walking around, etc. WILLOW: (OS) Hi, um, Tara, how are you? Pan across a building and we see Willow in a hallway, looking out a window, talking to herself. WILLOW: W-well, I-I was wondering, maybe, you would wanna go out sometime? For coffee ... food ... kisses and gay love? (sighs) Hi Tara. Guess what? Magic-free now for, insert number, days now. Among the other students walking around we see Tara approaching, walking down the hallway on the other side of the wall from Willow. Willow sees her, looks nervous, moves to intercept. Willow comes around the wall with a big nervous smile on her face. Long shot of Tara walking up to another girl. They smile at each other and the other girl kisses Tara either on the cheek or lips -- hard to tell. Willow looks shocked. Shot of Tara and the other girl laughing and talking. Willow quickly turns and starts walking away. Tara bids the other girl good-bye and continues walking. She spots Willow's back among the crowd, pauses, frowns slightly. Cut to: close shot on a pile of french fries sitting in a hopper a heat lamp. More fries in the boiler cooking. Pan up to reveal Buffy in Double Meat Palace uniform. The fryer beeps and she removes the basket of cooking fries from the hot oil, sets it to drain. She grimaces as if in pain, turns to walk away. LORRAINE: (OS) Buffy. We see Lorraine (Buffy's boss) standing a few feet away, next to a countertop. LORRAINE: Buffy. Buffy turns toward her. Flash-cut to the asylum. Buffy is again wearing her gray outfit and is turning. We see a woman in a doctor's coat, standing exactly as far away as Lorraine was, next to a counter. FEMALE DOCTOR: Come on, it's time for your drugs. Buffy begins to breathe faster, fearful. Flash back to the Double Meat Palace. BUFFY: (confused) What? LORRAINE: I said, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you were on drugs. BUFFY: (confused) Okay. Good. Lorraine rolls her eyes and turns away. Buffy turns and walks back to the french fries. She lifts the basket out of the fryer and dumps its contents into the hopper under the heat lamp. We see that the new batch of fries is burnt black. Cut to the Summers house. Buffy, wearing a turtleneck sweater, comes down the stairs and goes into the dining room. BUFFY: Whatcha doin'? We see Willow sitting at the table typing on her laptop computer. WILLOW: I'm online, checking to see if Xander emailed. BUFFY: (sits) Any luck? WILLOW: No such. BUFFY: (hopeful) Well, maybe Anya found him and they're trying to work it out. (Willow shrugs) How come you're all, home, hearth, and DSL anyway? I thought you were gonna go see Tara. WILLOW: (unhappy) Saw her. Saw her completely. BUFFY: Ouch. Just got a scratch from all that brittle. WILLOW: It's... (closing laptop) ...when I was seeing her, she was seeing someone else. A girl. BUFFY: You mean- WILLOW: I mean ... not "seeing" seeing. Well, maybe. I don't know, it was inconclusive, and I didn't stick around to find out. Might have magicked my fist through a wall or something, BUFFY: (softly) Will, I'm sorry. WILLOW: I mean, they're probably just friends. (pouty) I press my lips against my friends' all the time. BUFFY: I'm sure they're just friends. Once you fall for Willow, you stay fallen. WILLOW: Thanks, Buffy. The doorbell rings. They both look up. Cut to the front door. It opens and Xander comes in, looking toward the dining room. XANDER: Hi. WILLOW: Xander? XANDER: I'm back. BUFFY: Xander? WILLOW: Xander, you're here! The girls come into the foyer and they all share a group hug. WILLOW: We missed you, where were you? XANDER: I know, I tried calling, but I couldn't without... BUFFY: Hey. You don't need to explain to us. They all walk back into the dining room. Buffy and Willow resume their previous seats while Xander remains standing. XANDER: Right. Is she here? WILLOW: Oh ... n-no, you ... wanna find her? XANDER: I need to. Her suitcase is gone and some of her stuff. There's a Closed sign on the Magic Box, which, like, chills me to the bone. WILLOW: She left a couple days ago. XANDER: Was she looking for me? (Willow fidgeting) Before she left, did she say anything? WILLOW: You mean, between sobs? (Xander looking guilty) There was mostly just wheezing. BUFFY: She was a little ... she was ... kinda broken. XANDER: I don't know how stuff got so mixed up! (sighs) I blew it. BUFFY: No. Well ... maybe it wasn't the best time to break up with her, but... XANDER: No. It wasn't about breaking up. I love her, and god, I miss her so much. WILLOW: So, you left her at the altar, but you still wanna- BUFFY: You still wanna date? XANDER: I guess. I know that I'm a better person with her in my life. But things got so complicated with the wedding, and with my family, and with her ... demons, and ... what if it all goes to hell, a-and forever? (the girls looking sympathetic) But then I left ... and ever since ... I've had this painful hole inside. (Buffy looking pensive) And I'm the idiot that dug it out. Xander takes a deep breath, shakes his head sadly. XANDER: I screwed up real bad. BUFFY: Hey. We all screw up. Xander doesn't look comforted. Cut to the graveyard. Spike walks along carrying a paper grocery bag. As he walks, he takes out a cigarette and puts it in his mouth. SPIKE: You lookin' for me? We see Buffy walking away from him. BUFFY: Really not. The camera stays on Buffy as, in the background, Spike puts down his bag and takes out his lighter. SPIKE: Oh. Right then. Off you go. (lighting up) Did you cry? BUFFY: (stops walking) What? SPIKE: The wedding. Two hearts joined for eternity, great pelting showers of rice and so forth. BUFFY: You didn't hear. She turns and walks back toward him. SPIKE: What? Families get out of hand? Tear the place apart? BUFFY: No. Well, yes, absolutely. But ... Xander left. The wedding didn't happen. SPIKE: (surprised) Well. Gotta say ... I didn't see that coming. (sits on a bench) BUFFY: It was awful. (sits nearby) Anya was devastated. SPIKE: Is that right. BUFFY: And, Xander ... thinks maybe they can still get back together, but ... he hurt her a lot. SPIKE: Yeah, well ... some people can't see a good thing when they've got it. He gives Buffy a meaningful looks. Buffy glares at him. He returns to his cigarette. XANDER: (OS) Spike. Willow and Xander walk up, holding stakes. XANDER: I shoulda known you'd be tagging along. BUFFY: (stands) Hey, guys. I, uh ... I found Spike and was, uh, trying to figure out what kind of dangerous contraband he had. SPIKE: (looks disgusted, gets up) Tell you what, Slayer. (drops his cigarette and grinds it out with one foot) Let me get out of your way. (picks up grocery bag) I'll stop bothering you. XANDER: Yeah, maybe you should do that, Spike, just run along. SPIKE: You know, I guess you know all about that, don't you? (going over to Xander) The king of the big exit. (Xander lookng upset) Heard it brought the house down. XANDER: I don't need this crap from you. SPIKE: Right. Let's not listen to Spike. (turns to look at Buffy) Might get a bit of the truth on you. Spike gets in Xander's face. Willow quickly moves to separate them. WILLOW: Okay, okay. Heh. Calm now. (Spike and Xander glaring at each other) Let's, uh, turn around and release this very manly thing the other way. XANDER: I forgot. Willy Wannabite can't hurt me. (to Spike) Dumb to pick a fight, I guess. WILLOW: Xander. Shot of Buffy suddenly looking dizzy, falling to her knees. The others don't notice. BUFFY: (weakly) Guys... SPIKE: More than happy to beat you right through the pain, you pathetic poof. Spike tosses his bag of groceries aside. Xander punches Spike in the face. Spike goes down hard. Buffy sits back down on the stone bench, her head bent down to her chest. BUFFY: Guys, don't. Flash-cut to the asylum. Buffy has her head down and hands pressed to her temples. MAN: Buffy, can you hear me? Buffy looks up. A man in a doctor's coat sits down in front of her. She stares at him. We see that she is again pressed into the corner where two walls meet, sitting on the floor with her knees drawn up against her chest. Her hair is flat and limp and she wears bland gray hospital clothing. BUFFY: (panting) What is this? DOCTOR: Do you know where you are, Buffy? BUFFY: (confused) Sunnydale. DOCTOR: No, none of that's real, none of it. You're in a mental institution. (Buffy frowning at the floor, shaking her head) You've been with us now for six years. Do you remember? Buffy frowns in extreme confusion, lifts her head again to look at the doctor. Cut to longer shot of the room. The bed with the restraints is still there. Buffy is sitting in the corner and the doctor sits on a chair next to her. Close shot on Buffy's distressed face. Cut back to the cemetery. Spike goes tumbling over backward, over his bag of groceries, from Xander's punch. Willow and Xander rush over to Buffy. WILLOW: Buffy? Are you okay? XANDER: What happened? Buffy slowly lifts her head. Flash back to the asylum. The doctor reaches his hand out toward Buffy. She flinches back, trying to push herself even farther into the corner. She turns away and hits her forehead against the wall a few times. DOCTOR: It's okay, Buffy. Buffy, it's okay. Slowly, she turns her head to peer at him through her hair. DOCTOR: Look. Look who's here. The doctor looks behind him. Pan over to reveal Joyce standing by the door with Hank behind her. JOYCE: Buffy? Buffy stares. Joyce comes forward and crouches down to bring herself to Buffy's level. Hank stands behind her leaning down with hands on his knees. JOYCE: Welcome home, sweetie. Buffy stares at her mom in shock. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act II [SCENE_BREAK] Same scene. BUFFY: (softly) Mom? JOYCE: (tearful) Oh, baby, you're really here. BUFFY: (whispers) Dad? DOCTOR: She's lucid. Keep talking, maybe the sound of your voice will ground her. Close on Buffy's anguished face. HANK: Sweetheart ... we've missed you very much. Honey, can you hear me? Buffy starts to cry, puts her hands to her head again. JOYCE: Oh, Buffy, stay with us, please. Flash back to the cemetery. Buffy has her hands to her head as Willow and Xander come over and take her arms. BUFFY: Oh ... no! She slowly lifts her head, looks around. SPIKE: Here, let's get her back to my crypt. XANDER: Spike, just go, okay? (Buffy looking confused) She's our friend, we'll take care of her. Xander and Willow help Buffy stand up. BUFFY: No, guys, I'm okay. I'm okay. WILLOW: Come on, Xander, help me get her home. They lead her off. Spike watches them go. SPIKE: (calls) Put a little ice on the back of her neck. He turns away, picks up his bag of groceries. SPIKE: (to himself) She likes that. He walks off shaking his head. Cut to the Summers house. Willow walks from the kitchen, holding a glass of water. BUFFY: (OS) I've been having these flashes. Hallucinations, I guess. Willow comes into the living room where Buffy is sitting in the armchair. Willow gives Buffy the water. WILLOW: Since when? BUFFY: Uh ... night before last. Willow sits on the sofa, where Xander and Dawn are already sitting looking at Buffy. BUFFY: I was, uh, checking houses on that list you gave me, and looking for Warren and his pals ... and then, bam! Some kind of gross, waxy demon-thing poked me. XANDER: And when you say poke... BUFFY: (rolling her eyes) In the arm. (Xander and Willow exchanging a look) It stung me or something, and ... then I was like ... no. It, it wasn't "like." I was in an institution. There were, um ... doctors and ... nurses and, and other patients. They, they told me that I was sick. I guess crazy. And that, um, Sunnydale and, and all of this, it ... none of it ... was real. XANDER: Oh, come on, that's ridiculous! What? You think this isn't real just because of all the vampires and demons and ex-vengeance demons and the sister that used to be a big ball of universe-destroying energy? (pauses, frowns) BUFFY: I know how this must sound, but ... it felt so real. (softly) Mom was there. DAWN: She was? BUFFY: Dad, too. They were together ... (distantly) like they used to be ... before Sunnydale. WILLOW: (stands up hastily, raises her hand) Okay! All in favor of research? (Xander raises his hand) Motion passed. All right, Xander, you hit the demon bars. Dig up any info on a new player in town. Close on Buffy squinching up her face as if in pain. WILLOW: (OS) Dawnie, you can help me research. We'll hop on-line, check all the- Flash back to the asylum. CrazyBuffy is sitting in the chair with her face squinched up in the same way. DOCTOR: (OS) -possibilities for a full recovery, (shot of the doctor sitting behind a desk) but we have to proceed cautiously. If we're not careful-- JOYCE: Wait. Reveal Joyce and Hank sitting in chairs across from the doctor. CrazyBuffy sits in another chair a little bit separated from them, with her knees drawn up again. JOYCE: Are you saying that Buffy could be like she was before any of this happened? DOCTOR: (gets up, comes around the desk) Mrs. Summers, you have to understand the severity of what's happened to your daughter. (sits on the edge of his desk) For the last six years, she's been in an undifferentiated type of schizophrenia. HANK: We know what her condition is. (Buffy frowning) That's not what we're asking. DOCTOR: Buffy's delusions are multi-layered. (Joyce and Hank listening intently) She believes she's some type of hero. JOYCE: The Slayer. DOCTOR: The Slayer, right, but that's only one level. She's also created an intricate latticework to support her primary delusion. In her mind, she's the central figure in a fantastic world beyond imagination. (Buffy staring into the distance, frowning) She's surrounded herself with friends, most with their own superpowers ... who are as real to her as you or me. More so, unfortunately. Together they face ... grand overblown conflicts against an assortment of monsters both imaginary and rooted in actual myth. Every time we think we're getting through to her, more fanciful enemies magically appear- BUFFY: (suddenly realizing) How did I miss- DOCTOR: and she's- BUFFY: Warren and Jonathan, they did this to me! Buffy becomes agitated, tries to get up out of her chair. The doctor reaches over to stop her. DOCTOR: Buffy, it's all right. They can't hurt you here. You're with your family. Buffy looks around, upset. BUFFY: (tearful) Dawn? HANK: (to doctor) That's the sister, right? DOCTOR: A magical key. Buffy inserted Dawn into her delusion, actually rewriting the entire history of it to accommodate a need for a familial bond. (to Buffy) Buffy, but that created inconsistencies, didn't it? (Buffy staring at him) Your sister, your friends, all of those people you created in Sunnydale, they aren't as comforting as they once were. Are they? They're coming apart. Buffy whimpers, lowers her head again. JOYCE: Buffy, listen to what the doctor's saying, it's important. DOCTOR: Buffy, you used to create these grand villains to battle against, and now what is it? Just ordinary students you went to high school with. (Buffy staring at him) No gods or monsters ... just three pathetic little men ... who like playing with toys. Buffy frowns anxiously. Cut to the Nerd Herd's new lair. Warren comes down the stairs from above, holding a cardboard box, Andrew behind him also carrying boxes. WARREN: Dude, that poison has got her drooling like a, some kind of- JONATHAN: (upset) Where have you guys been? Warren pauses partway down the stairs, glances up at Andrew. WARREN: Uh ... picking up some stuff. (continues down the stairs) ANDREW: (follows Warren) And checking out Buffy on the van's remote surveillance. Warren and Andrew put down their boxes. Warren sits in a chair. WARREN: Andrew's demon pet has done some number on the slayer. Got her tripping like a Ken Russell film festival. They both start doing stuff with the equipment. JONATHAN: Well, what kind of stuff? WARREN: What? JONATHAN: The packages. What's in them? WARREN: Well, what do you think, Spanky, you think we're plotting against you? JONATHAN: Better not be. (Andrew rolling his eyes) WARREN: It's just stuff, big man. All right, you'll be in the know just as soon as you stop being all freakazoid. Warren turns to the computers, hits some keys. Blueprints appear on the screen. WARREN: Ah, now, there's the vault. ANDREW: I still say we're gonna need eight other guys to pull this off. WARREN: I never should have let you see that movie. Jonathan looks angry, turns and heads for the stairs. WARREN: Wha, uh, where you going? (jumps up to follow Jonathan) JONATHAN: Out. Getting stuff I need. WARREN: You know, I don't really think that's such a good idea. JONATHAN: Why not? WARREN: (pauses) Well, it's... (puts arm around Jonathan's shoulders, sighs) It's just not safe out there ... alone. (leading Jonathan away from the stairs) You saw how close the slayer got. (Jonathan looking unconvinced) Look, we're, we're a team. Something happens to you, it happens to all of us. Right? (Andrew watching anxiously) Look, I know, I know you're antsy, we all are, but you see, things, they're about to pick up. Big, big time. Just gotta be careful. Right? All right? Stick together. Okay? Warren slaps Jonathan on the shoulder in friendly fashion and returns to his seat. Andrew looks relieved. Jonathan does not look reassured. Cut to the Summers house. Buffy sits on the sofa, staring at a photo of Joyce, Hank, and Young Buffy (from episode "The Weight of the World"). They are all smiling and happy together. Willow enters holding a piece of paper. WILLOW: (smiling) Look, Buffy, I found the demon. Fits your description and symptoms perfectly. Willow sits next to Buffy and holds out the paper. Buffy puts down the photo, still looking pensive. WILLOW: Look, is this it? Close shot on the paper with a picture of the demon. Buffy looks at it, nods without saying anything. WILLOW: (smiling) See, it's gonna be okay. Its pokey stinger carries an antidote to its own poison. Willow stops smiling as she sees that Buffy isn't cheered. Buffy resumes looking at the photo. BUFFY: (very quietly) I feel so lost. WILLOW: I know. You're confused. It's, it's that crazy juice inside you. BUFFY: It's more than that. (Willow frowning) Even before the demon ... I've been so detached. WILLOW: We've ... all been kind of slumming. BUFFY: Every day I try to ... snap out of it. Figure out why I'm like that. WILLOW: Buffy, look at me. Buffy looks at Willow, her lips quivering like she's about to cry. WILLOW: You are not in an institution. You have never been in an institution. BUFFY: (whispers) Yes, I have. WILLOW: What? BUFFY: (sighs) Back when I saw my first vampires... (shot of the photo) I got so scared. I told my parents ... and they completely freaked out. They thought there was something seriously wrong with me. So they sent me to a clinic. WILLOW: (shocked) You never said anything. BUFFY: (tearful) I was only there a couple of weeks. I stopped talking about it, and they let me go. Eventually ... my parents just ... forgot. WILLOW: God. That's horrible. BUFFY: (crying) What if I'm still there? What if I never left that clinic? WILLOW: Buffy ... Buffy, you're not. (Buffy sniffling) I'm ... so sorry you had to go through that. But, i-it's the past. You've got to trust me. We're gonna get you that antidote. Xander's hunting the demon right now. BUFFY: Alone? Will, he can't. It's too strong. WILLOW: Oh, it's okay. We got help. Cut to Xander and Spike walking through the forest together. Xander holds a flashlight. SPIKE: So, she's having the wiggins, is she? Thinks none of us are real. Bloody self-centered, if you ask me. XANDER: Spike, we need muscle, not color commentary. SPIKE: On the other hand, it might explain some things -- this all being in that twisted brain of hers. Yeah. Thinks up some chip in my head. Make me soft, fall in love with her, then turn me into her soddin' s*x slave- XANDER: What?! SPIKE: Nothing. Alternative realities. Where we're all little figments of Buffy's funny-farm delusion. You know, in a different reality, you might not have left your bride at the altar. You might have gone through with it like a man. XANDER: (annoyed) Okay, one more syllable about Anya- The demon leaps out at them, growling. Xander yelps. We see that Xander is also holding a rifle. SPIKE: Oh, balls. You didn't say he was a glarghk guhl kashma'nik(?) XANDER: 'Cause I can't say glar- The demon attacks. It knocks Xander to the ground and kicks at Spike, who ducks. Spike punches the demon a few times and then kicks it back. Xander gets up, holding the rifle. He fires a dart, which sticks in the demon's chest. The demon blocks a punch from Spike, hits him and kicks him. Spike spins around and falls down. Xander hits at the demon, goes to hit it with the rifle but it blocks. We hear a metallic clanking noise as the rifle hits the demon's hand which is wearing some sort of gauntlet. The demon shoves Xander onto the ground again. Spike exchanges a few more punches with the demon as Xander picks up the rifle again. Xander shoots another dart which sticks in the demon's chest next to the first one. The demon ducks a kick from Spike and spins around. Spike grabs the demon from behind and twists its neck, rendering it unconscious. Xander gets up and walks over. He and Spike stand there panting, staring down at the demon. XANDER: I altered his reality. (pause) Get it, I... (sees Spike scowling) Never mind. Cut to: Buffy sitting on her bed, staring blankly into space. DAWN: (OS) I made you some tea. Dawn enters holding a mug. Buffy doesn't look at her. BUFFY: (whispers) Thanks. Dawn comes over, puts the mug on a side table, sits on the bed beside Buffy. BUFFY: (still staring vacantly) I'm okay, Dawn. DAWN: The, uh, thousand-yard stare really helps sell that. Dawn look sympathetic, leans over and puts her hand on Buffy's forehead, then on her cheek. DAWN: You're burning up. BUFFY: (frowns) I should be taller than you. DAWN: (small smile) Maybe you're not done growing. BUFFY: Coming apart. DAWN: What's coming apart? BUFFY: (frowning, shaking her head) We have to try harder, make things better. DAWN: I'm trying. BUFFY: Your grades ... stealing. (Dawn looking guilty) Willow's been doing your chores, hasn't she? DAWN: What? No, i-it's ... it's the fever. It's cooking your brain. Suddenly Buffy leans forward and grabs Dawn's arm hard. Dawn looks alarmed. BUFFY: We have to deal with these things, Dawn, we- JOYCE VOICEOVER: You don't have a sister, Buffy. Buffy frowns in confusion. Flash-cut to the institution. Joyce sits facing Buffy, gazing at her. CrazyBuffy is still in her hospital gown. BUFFY: (uncertainly) Dawn? JOYCE: No, honey. Cut to a wider shot and we see Buffy sitting on the bed and Joyce sitting on it next to her, in the same positions as Buffy and Dawn were in the bedroom. Hank sits in a chair on the other side of the bed, watching. JOYCE: Say it. It'll help you believe it. BUFFY: (uncertainly) I ... don't ... have a sister. (Joyce nodding approvingly) I know I, I didn't grow up with her. These monks, they-they made her. Joyce looks uncertain, turns to look at Hank. HANK: It's your mind, just playing tricks on you. JOYCE: You're our little girl, Buffy. Our one and only. We've missed you so much. Mom and Dad just want to take you home and take care of you. Joyce puts out her hand and caresses Buffy's cheek. Buffy looks anguished, reaches out with her own hand. Flash back to the bedroom. Dawn stares in dismay as Buffy puts out her hand and touches Dawn's cheek. Buffy is startled, pulls back her hand quickly, frowning. She squeezes her eyes shut. DAWN: (tearful) I'm not even there, am I? BUFFY: What? DAWN: You said it a second ago. You don't have a sister. Dawn stands up. Buffy looks upset. DAWN: It's your ideal reality, and I'm not even a part of it. BUFFY: Dawn, I ... I didn't mean- DAWN: I have to go finish my chores. Dawn exits, leaving Buffy looking very upset. Cut to the basement. Spike and Xander struggling with the demon. It is conscious again, growling and fighting as they drag it toward a pillar in the middle of the basement. The demon is wrapped in chains. In background we see Willow. XANDER: Hold it. Hold it! Close shot on Willow putting on a pair of thick yellow rubber gloves. WILLOW: I'll need its arm. The demon breaks away from Spike and falls to the floor, on top of Xander. Looks like Spike maybe pushed the demon onto Xander, but hard to tell for sure. XANDER: Yeah, I'd like both my arms too. Spike hauls the demon back up and shoves it against the pillar. XANDER: (getting up) Thanks, Spike. I'll help when the ... blistering pain subsides. Close on Xander's legs as a foot kicks Xander in the shin. Can't tell whether it was the demon or Spike. Xander yells in pain and goes down again, immediately gets back up again. WILLOW: Ready? Willow comes forward holding a glass jar and a tool of some sort. Xander and Spike hold the struggling demon back against the pillar. Willow stabs the demon in the arm with a two-pronged fork, causing its spine to come out from its hand. She grabs the spine and breaks it off. WILLOW: (putting the spine in her jar) Xander, go to the magic shop. Xander and Willow walk off. WILLOW: I'll need alkanet root and a handful of nettle leaf. Just for the medicinal properties. No magic. Shot of Spike working on chaining the demon to the pillar. Willow and Xander start up the stairs. WILLOW: When you've got them, meet me at the campus lab. I'll see if I can brew up an antidote the old-fashioned way. SPIKE: I'll hold here, keep an eye on the wax job. XANDER: Make sure that's all you're ogling. WILLOW: Xander! Willow pulls Xander away up the stairs. Cut to exterior shot of the house, day. WILLOW: (OS) Buffy? Wake up. Cut to the bedroom. Willow walks in holding a mug. She wears the same clothes as in the previous scene. WILLOW: Got yummy antidote goodness for you. We see that Buffy is also still wearing the same clothing as the night before. BUFFY: What happened? WILLOW: (gives her the mug) It took a little longer than I'd hoped. No magic and all. Went boom twice, but then I got it. Just ... when it's cool, drink it all down, and ... everything should go back to normal. BUFFY: You never stop coming through. Thank you, Willow. Willow smiles. Spike appears in the doorway, looking uncertain. SPIKE: How is she? WILLOW: (goes to the door) Make sure she drinks all that. I'm gonna let Dawn know that everything's gonna be okay. Willow smiles at Buffy and leaves. Spike continues standing in the doorway. SPIKE: (quietly) You all right? BUFFY: (grimaces, not looking at him) You need to leave me alone. You're not part of my life. SPIKE: (annoyed) Fine, then. Spike turns to leave, then turns back, even more annoyed. SPIKE: You know, but I hope you don't think this an- He starts to come forward into the room, gesturing angrily, but walks into a beam of sunlight and stops, moves back with a frustrated expression. SPIKE: (slightly calmer) I hope you don't think this antidote's gonna rid you of that nasty martyrdom. (Buffy still not looking at him) See, I figured it out, luv. You can't help yourself. You're not drawn to the dark like I thought. Buffy looks up at him now, still frowning. SPIKE: You're addicted to the misery. It's why you won't tell your pals about us. Might actually have to be happy if you did. They'd either understand and help you, god forbid ... or drive you out ... where you can finally be at peace, in the dark. With me. Either way, you'd be better off for it, but you're too twisted for that. (pauses) Let yourself live, already. And stop with the bloody hero trip for a sec. We'd all be the better for it. Buffy frowns even more, looks up at Spike again. SPIKE: You either tell your friends about us ... or I will. He turns and leaves. Buffy makes an anguished face, holds the mug up. Pauses. Brings the mug up to her lips, pauses again. Stares off in front of her, pondering. Slowly, she turns and holds out the mug. Tips it over and lets the contents pour out into the trash basket. Close shot on her face as she stares ahead. DOCTOR VOICEOVER: Buffy. Flash back to the asylum. BUFFY: (tearful) I don't wanna go back there. We see CrazyBuffy sitting on the bed, the doctor standing on one side of the bed while Joyce and Hank stand on the other side. BUFFY: I wanna be healthy again. (Joyce smiling hopefully. Buffy turns to the doctor) What do I have to do? Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act III [SCENE_BREAK] Same scene. BUFFY: (anxious) Oh ... please, help me. (to Joyce) I-I wanna go home, with you and dad. JOYCE: I know, Buffy. But first you've gotta get better. DOCTOR: It's not gonna be easy, Buffy. You have to take it one step at a time. You have to start ridding your mind of those things that support your hallucinations. (Buffy looking up at him) You understand? There are things in that world that you cling to. For your delusion, they're safe-holds, but for your mind they're traps. We have to break those down. BUFFY: (softly) Slaying? DOCTOR: Yes ... but I'm talking about those things you want there. What keeps you going back. BUFFY: My friends. DOCTOR: That's right. Last summer, when you had a momentary awakening, it was them that pulled you back in. JOYCE: They're not really your friends, Buffy. They're just ... tricks keeping you from getting healthy. DOCTOR: You have to do whatever it takes to convince yourself of that, Buffy. Whatever it takes. Buffy stares off in front of her. Flash back to the house. Buffy enters the living room and bumps into Willow: WILLOW: (startled, nervous) Oh, Buffy, I, I didn't see you. I was just coming to check on you. You feeling better? Did the antidote work? BUFFY: I'm ... still pretty dazed, but, uh, better. WILLOW: No more cuckoo's nest? (Buffy shakes her head) Well, we still have the big bad all tranked out down in the basement. In case it didn't work and we need more parts. Beat. Buffy looks blank. Willow looks hopeful. WILLOW: It'll be nice to see you all better. BUFFY: (small smile) Thanks. WILLOW: I can make you some food, something big with energy, help you clear your noggin. Come on. Willow takes Buffy's hand and they walk toward the kitchen. Fade to the front door (shot from inside the foyer). A knock on the door. Xander opens it, pokes his head in. XANDER: (calls) Hello! I'm back! Clean and with the better smell now. (comes inside, closes the door) Friends? Romans? Long shot down the hall at Xander standing there, throwing up his hands. XANDER: Anyone? He starts walking down the hall toward the camera. He glances into the kitchen, pauses. XANDER: Hey. Reveal Buffy standing by the kitchen sink, holding a frying pan. Definite horror-movie vibe here. There's no background music. Buffy looks up at Xander as he walks in. XANDER: Hey, there, sane girl. (taking off his jacket) So did Willow get that antidote to you all right? BUFFY: (curtly) Yeah. I'm better now. XANDER: Great. So, it's settled. (puts down his jacket) We're, uh, we're real, right? Guess we should finish off that demon and drag it out of the basement. And tell me you're up for that. (shakes his head) I so don't wanna see Spike right now. (walking closer to Buffy) I mean, talk about losing touch. Hate to say it, but I almost... (frowns) feel sorry for the guy. Almost. The things the poor guy was saying ... I mean, I get it, you know. Been a part of the Buffy obsess- Suddenly Buffy hits him in the face with the frying pan. He reels back. Fast horror-movie music begins. Buffy drops the pan, grabs Xander and throws him against the kitchen island, her hands on his neck. XANDER: (strained) B-Buffy- She pulls him up again and hits him a couple of times. He goes down. Fast-cut to Buffy dragging the half-conscious Xander down the basement stairs. She throws him to the floor. Xander lifts his head a little and opens his eyes. The creepy music slows down. Reveal Willow on the floor not far from him, her hands tied behind her back and a piece of duct tape over her mouth. She stares at Xander in dismay. XANDER: (groggy) Willow, what... He falls unconscious. Willow stares past him. Pan across their two bodies lying on the floor to reveal Buffy standing over them, staring down at them. She turns her gaze toward the stairs. Shot of the demon still chained to the post in the middle of the basement, struggling and growling. Buffy looks at the demon, back at her friends, then up the stairs. Slow creepy music continues. Cut to the kitchen. The faster scary music resumes. Buffy emerges from the basement, frowning slightly. She shuts the door and locks it. Slowly, she turns and walks down the hall. She pauses to grimace for a moment, continues. Reaches the bottom of the stairs, turns and looks up them. BUFFY: (calls) Dawn? She starts up the stairs. Cut to upstairs hallway. Buffy emerges from the stairs, pauses, takes a deep breath, walks forward and pushes open the door to Dawn's room. Walks in. We see Dawn with a canvas bag on the bed, putting stuff into it. She turns with a gasp to look at Buffy. Her cheeks are tear-stained. DAWN: Don't you knock? (resumes packing) BUFFY: I called for you. DAWN: (looks at her again) Buffy, are you okay? BUFFY: Where are you going? DAWN: (resumes packing) I'm going over to Janice's, where they actually like having me around. BUFFY: You're not going anywhere. DAWN: (scoffs) Why not? You want me gone anyway. What do you care? BUFFY: I care. You're going downstairs with the others. It's the only way I can get healthy. (walks toward Dawn) DAWN: (alarmed) What are you talking about? Buffy comes up to Dawn and stares at her. DAWN: (worried) Buffy, you look sick. (Buffy just staring at her) What are you doing? What's wrong with you? Suddenly Buffy tries to grab Dawn. Dawn breaks free and runs out. DAWN: Stay away from me! Dawn goes running down the hallway. DAWN: (screams) Willow, help! Dawn runs into Willow's room(?) and closes the door, leans against it. DAWN: Buffy, please! Buffy walks slowly down the hall toward the room. BUFFY: You can't hide, Dawn. DAWN: Talk to me. You're hallucinating. BUFFY: (leans against the door) I know. You're just a trap for my mind. DAWN: Buffy, please, listen to me. That asylum and those people, they're not real! Buffy frowns, moves back and kicks the door open. Takes a few steps inside, looks around. No sign of Dawn. Buffy goes back out and finds Dawn emerging from another door. Dawn gasps in surprise. Buffy stares at her. DAWN: Buffy ... look at me. (Buffy blinking slowly) I'm right here. You're my sister. (getting tearful) I need you and love you. Somewhere inside you must know that's real. BUFFY: (sarcastic) Sure it is. 'Cause what's more real? (starts walking toward Dawn) A sick girl in an institution... DAWN: Don't. Please. Listen to me. BUFFY: Or some kind of supergirl ... chosen to ... fight demons and... (Dawn looking around anxiously) save the world. (pauses, looks to one side, smiles a little) That's ridiculous. She does her little grimace thing again and looks at Dawn. Dawn quickly grabs the door and slams it in Buffy's face. Buffy kicks it open again. Dawn screams and jumps back. BUFFY: (advancing into the room as Dawn backs away) A girl who sleeps with the vampire she hates?! Yeah, that makes sense. Dawn tries to run around the bed but Buffy rolls across it and winds up in front of Dawn. She grabs Dawn by the arms and shoves her up against a dresser, then onto the floor. Dawn struggles as Buffy straddles her and pins her down. DAWN: No! Buffy, stop! I'm real! Cut to the basement. DAWN: Buffy, stop it. I'll be good! Buffy throws Dawn to the floor. We see that Dawn's arms are tied behind her back. DAWN: I promise. You're not thinking. I'll- Buffy kneels down and puts a piece of duct tape over Dawn's mouth. Dawn squeals and whines behind the gag. Pan out to reveal Willow lying beside Dawn (both of them bound hand and foot, and gagged with duct tape). Xander is a few feet away, still unconscious, with his hands tied around a pillar but his feet and mouth free. Buffy looks at them, looks at the demon, grimaces. DOCTOR VOICEOVER: It's okay, Buffy. Don't stress yourself. Flash to the asylum. Joyce and the doctor are close in foreground (Buffy POV) with Hank hovering in the background. JOYCE: Honey, take your time. DOCTOR: Make it as easy on yourself as possible. There's nothing wrong with that. CrazyBuffy nods, looks determined. Cut back to the basement. Xander begins to come around. Buffy sees this, walks slowly toward him. XANDER: Buffy ... what are you doing? She walks past him and over to the demon, walks around behind it. Close shot on the chains as Buffy reaches over and undoes them. The demon shakes itself, making the chains fall to the floor. XANDER: Oh my god. The demon begins to advance, growling. Buffy stands watching. Blackout. [SCENE_BREAK] Act IV [SCENE_BREAK] Same scene. Buffy is panting, looks a little anxious as she watches. The demon is still advancing. Xander is trying to get to his feet, sliding his bound hands up the pillar. Sound of Willow and Dawn whimpering. XANDER: Buffy, help me! I need my hands! Xander kicks at the demon. Buffy looks anxious, backs up into the space underneath the stairs. Cut to the foyer. Horror-movie music continues. Tara enters through the front door. TARA: (calls) Hello? She comes inside, closes the door. TARA: (calls) Anybody home? Cut back to the basement. Buffy presses herself fearfully back into the alcove under the stairs as Xander continues fending off the demon with kicks. The demon grabs Xander's shoulder and pulls, hard enough to break the ropes binding him. It throws Xander across the room. He slams into a refrigerator and falls down. Close on Buffy watching with increasing anxiety. JOYCE VOICEOVER: Buffy? Cut to the institution, close shot on Joyce's face, blurry and unfocused. CrazyBuffy jumps off the bed, whimpering. Runs over to the corner and presses herself into it, twitching and whimpering. Joyce looks concerned, walks toward her. JOYCE: I-It's gonna be okay, sweetheart. Whatever it is, it's not real, remember? (moving forward slowly) Just keep concentrating. I'm right here, sweetie. CrazyBuffy slides slowly down the wall toward a sitting position. Cut back to the basement. Buffy is similarly sliding down the wall. XANDER: (OS) Buffy, help me! Shot of Xander struggling to get up again. XANDER: Buffy, help! The demon hits him hard on the back. TARA: (OS) Willow? Buffy looks up in surprise. Tara comes partway down the stairs, peers down. Shot of Willow trying to call to Tara through her gag. TARA: (pointing) Eximete! The bonds on Willow and Dawn dissolve in a flash of magic. They sit up. TARA: Vis zenobia! S-solvere! A large metal shelving unit covered with paint cans suddenly flies across the room and slams into the demon. Close on Tara's feet as she descends the stairs. Buffy reaches between the steps and grabs Tara's ankle, tripping her. Tara falls down the stairs. WILLOW: No! Tara! Buffy looks shocked. Willow rushes over to Tara. Buffy retreats back into her alcove. Cut to the asylum. CrazyBuffy is sitting pressed into the corner, agitated. BUFFY: I don't know... JOYCE: (kneeling next to her) Buffy, look at me. BUFFY: I don't know. I don't know. JOYCE: I believe in you. (Buffy looking at her, whimpering) You're a survivor, you can do this. CrazyBuffy looks conflicted. Cut back to the basement. Buffy grimaces again, looks up. Xander jumps up and attacks the demon, which is attacking Dawn. Dawn screams. Xander jumps on the demon from behind. It grabs him and throws him down. BUFFY: Xander. No. She looks away, grimaces, looks back. The demon is again struggling with Dawn. It throws her across the room, still screaming, as Willow picks up a metal baseball bat. Willow starts hitting the demon with the bat, then it grabs the bat and shoves her down. Buffy looks anguished, starts to call Willow's name... BUFFY: Willow! Cut to the asylum in mid-word. CrazyBuffy is very agitated, banging her head against the wall. JOYCE: Buffy? Buffy! Buffy, fight it. You're too good to give in, you can beat this thing. Be strong, baby, ok? (Buffy crying) I know you're afraid. I know the world feels like a hard place sometimes, but you've got people who love you. (tearful) Your dad and I, we have all the faith in the world in you. We'll always be with you. CrazyBuffy calms down as these words start to sink in. JOYCE: You've got ... a world of strength in your heart. I know you do. You just have to find it again. (whispering) Believe in yourself. Joyce strokes her hair. CrazyBuffy sniffles, looks determined. Slowly she turns her head to look Joyce in the eye. BUFFY: You're right. (sad smile) Thank you. Joyce smiles. BUFFY: (tearful) Good-bye. Joyce looks surprised, then horrified. CrazyBuffy looks away. JOYCE: (anguished) Buffy. Cut back to the basement. Sounds of screaming and punching continue as Buffy slowly stands up, wearing her determined expression. She walks forward, kicks the demon in the chest, hits it, shoves it against the wall. Punches it, throws it into the washer/dryer, walks over to it and punches it so hard her hand goes into its chest. The demon falls down, dead. Buffy stands there with her hand covered in its slimy gray blood. Zoom in on her determined face. Slowly, she turns around. We see Dawn huddled by the refrigerator, Xander picking himself up, Willow and Tara helping each other up. They all stare at Buffy. BUFFY: (whispers) I'm so sorry. WILLOW: Buffy? We're okay. It's all okay. (Buffy stumbling(?)) Buffy, sit down. You'll fall over. BUFFY: No ... I can't. Not until I have the antidote. WILLOW: Okay. We-we'll make more, we'll take care of it. Close on Buffy's face. WILLOW: (OS) Everything's gonna be okay, Buffy. Flash to the institution. The doctor shining a flashlight at the camera (Buffy POV). He clicks the flashlight off, then on again. We see CrazyBuffy sitting there catatonic, unresponsive as the doctor shines the light in her eyes. The doctor makes an upset face, turns to speak over his shoulder. DOCTOR: I'm sorry, there's no reaction at all. Close on CrazyBuffy leaning in the corner of the room. DOCTOR: (OS) I'm afraid we lost her. Camera pulls out slowly to reveal the doctor sitting on a chair, and behind him, Buffy's parents. Joyce is sobbing. Hank puts his arm around her and she hugs him. Continue pulling out to reveal the shackled bed. Camera moves back through the closed door with its tiny window. Blackout. Executive Producers: Joss Whedon and Marti Noxon.	Plan: A: a demon; Q: What do Warren, Jonathan, and Andrew unleash? A: her friends; Q: Who does Buffy believe are figments of her imagination? A: her basement; Q: Where does Buffy lock her friends? A: Tara; Q: Who finds the trio of friends? A: the demon's poison; Q: What does Buffy recover from by drinking an antidote? Summary: Warren, Jonathan, and Andrew unleash a demon whose powers make Buffy believe that her friends are figments of her imagination. Buffy attempts to attack her friends, locks them in her basement and unleashes the same demon on them. Tara eventually finds the trio and Buffy recovers from the demon's poison by drinking an antidote. By the end of the episode however, it is unclear which world is reality.
[PREVIOUSLY_ON] Emma: Killian, we're here to help you. We just can't find you. Where are you? Meg: In an underground prison. Belle: The Underworld. Mr Gold: I'll only be gone for a day. Belle: Come back to me. Mr Gold: I always do. Peter Pan: And those people you came down with... maybe one of them doesn't make the trip back, but your dear old dad does. Mr Gold: Not interested. Peter Pan: Not yet. Hades: For every soul your friends free, one of them is going to have to stay. You get to decide who. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Hook is still sitting on the ground in Hades's throne room, and Hades is standing in front him, waiting for Hook to choose who stays in the Underworld) Hades: (Sighs) Oh, come on. All you need to do is choose three of your friends to stay here. Carve their name. W-what's the problem? Is it the chisel? So unwieldy for the one-handed. Or writer's block? Hook: (Throws the chisel on the ground) I'm not doing it. Hades: I must say... I'm not angry. I'm disappointed. (Walks to Hook and leans down) And on second thought... I'm angry. I guess it's off to solitary. (Grabs Hook by the hair, who screams in pain, before dragging him to his feet, leading Hook to the River of Lost Souls, where a boat awaits) Now, listen carefully. This is the River of Lost Souls. Touch it and it will make you lost. Reducing you to a mindless, tormented husk. So please, keep all arms and hand inside the boat. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr Gold enters the pawn shop.) Mr Gold: Father? (Closes the door. He walks further into the shop, only to discover a piece of parchment with a note written on, which he picks up and begins to read. It's from Pan) Peter Pan: (Voice over) "My son... this shop is yours to do with as you wish. And my offer still stands. Use what's in the case when you want to accept it, and we can be a family again. Your father." Mr Gold: (Picks up his fathers old Pan flute and examines it.) (Mr Gold locks the door, before walking over to a brewing substance in a black pot. He opens a jar which contains fluid and an eyeball, and pours the fluid away, before walking over to the bubbling potion and dropping part of the pan in, followed by the eye-ball He then turns and picks up a glass ball and holds it over the potion) Mr Gold: Show me... show me who I seek. (The glass ball reveals Belle having lunch with Leroy, and after a few more moments, Gold drops the ball and it smashes, and he scrambles to the ground, trying to gather the smashed glass) Oh, no! Oh, Belle. Oh, Belle. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma, Mary Margaret, David, Henry, Regina and Robin are back in the Blanchard apartment, examining the damage left behind by Cerberus. Regina is holding an arrow) Regina:Found more arrows. Robin Hood: (Sighs and walks down the stairs.) You do not want to see what that hell dog did upstairs. Emma: So, we think we're ready? Mr Gold: (Enters the apartment and looks at the group) What are you doing? David: We're gonna get Hook. What's it look like? Emma: We know Hades will have him in some sort of isolation. Meg told us there's an entrance nearby. Mr Gold: So all 45 of you are gonna slip down into the deepest level of detention in the Underworld. Hades knows you're here. He'll have put up barriers to keep the living out of all the places he doesn't want us going. You walk into his domain, you'll all be puffs of dust. Emma: So we get a new plan. Mr Gold: Correct. Five of you occupy yourselves as you will. Perhaps cleaning? (Turns to Emma) You and I will go in with the assistance of a helpful dead person. I can extend their aura, if you will, so that two living souls can get through Hades' barrier. Emma: Wait a minute. Yesterday, you hid in your shop. Today, you're gonna lead the charge to find a man that you hate? Mr Gold: Yeah, because I-I realized that if don't step in, we are never gonna get home, and I want very much to get home to my wife. Emma: Okay. So how do we get a helpful dead person to loan their aura so we can confront the god of the Underworld himself? Mr Gold: You leave that to me. I've got someone in mind. Someone I've known a long time. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Past. Enchanted Forest ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Milah is carrying an armful of sticks, whilst Rumplestiltskin follows behind her, limping, and Baelfire, carrying a net to catch frogs and butterflies with) Rumplestiltskin: Milah. Milah! You don't have to be doing this yourself. I said I would help. Milah: You said that. And somehow, it still didn't get done. Rumplestiltskin: Well, I was chasing dragonflies with the boy. Baelfire: (Walks away) Milah: Did he protect you from the big ones? (Baelfire walks away, having heard enough of his parents arguing. He comes across a snake, and curiously, he bends down to look at it.) Rumplestiltskin: I know my leg slows me down around here, but I-I can do better. I can change. Milah: You're never going to change, Rumple. Rumplestiltskin: I can. I can be whatever you want me to be. Baelfire: (He is now reaching to touch the snake, and the snake in return is poised in a threatening manner, ready to bite him) [Milah: Just go play with the boy. That's one thing you can do, at least. Baelfire: (Screams in the distance) Rumplestiltskin: Bae! Bae? (He and Milah run round the bush to see Baelfire on the ground in pain. He kneels down with Milah and rolls him over) Bae, what's wrong, son? What's wrong? Milah: (Hears the snake hissing and uses a rock to kill it) Rumplestiltskin: (Examining the snake bite worriedly) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Milah is getting ready to help kids cross the road, when her eyes land on Mr Gold, who is standing on the sidewalk waiting for her. Milah doesn't look happy to see him) Mr Gold: (Waves) Morning, Dearie. Milah: (Doesn't say anything as she steps onto the road, allowing for the children to cross safely) Mr Gold: Don't worry, I'm not dead. Just visiting. Milah: (Once the kids have crossed, she stops in front of him) How'd you find me? Mr Gold: You are standing in the middle of Main Street, so, you know... I must say, I do love the irony of your job. You watching children, keeping them safe, keeping them close. Milah: What do you want? Mr Gold: I have an opportunity for you. A romantic adventure to save the man you once loved. Milah: You? Mr Gold: I'm talking about Killian Jones. Milah: Killian... is here? Mr Gold: He's receiving some, uh, special attention from Hades. I need to retrieve him. Milah: I'm supposed to watch the kids. Mr Gold: Well, they're dead anyway. It's quite simple, really. Can you stand helping me if it lets you save him? [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Hook is travelling in the boat and he looks up at the entrance to where he is being sent. The scene then shows him being chained up over a pool, which is part of "The River of Lost Souls". He is raised up, and Hades is walking on the platform below) Hades: Now, I want you to think about why you're here. You tried to escape. You freed another prisoner. You refuse to do what I ask, and do you know the most important reason? Hook: (Strained) I couldn't begin to guess. Hades: Hope. You and your colleagues brought contraband, hope, into my world, and that is strictly forbidden. And despite some... creative beatings, I still see hope in your eyes. Now, I would like that to be gone before you reach the water. (He lowers Hook with his magic so Hook is eye-level with him) You have interfered with my carefully cultivated existence, so... I am going to hurt you. Then I'm going to collect your friends and hurt them. So there's going to be no one left to save you. (His hair becomes blue flames) Feel free to go mad. (Walks away) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Milah and Mr Gold are standing together on the street, watching Emma from a distance.) Milah: (Looking at Emma in shock and surprise) Her? Mr Gold: Yes, her. Come. Let me introduce you. (Guides Milah towards Emma) Miss Swan?(Get's Emma's attention, and him and Milah stop in front of Emma) There's someone I'd like you to meet. This is Milah, my ex-wife. And Hook's ex, also. She's also Baelfire's mother, of course. Emma knew him as Neal. They had a torrid affair, which resulted in a scandalous teenage pregnancy. In prison. Emma: (Uncomfortable) Yeah, well... Milah: (Shocked and stunned) So, you've been with my former lover... and my son? Is that right? Emma: (Also looks stunned) Huh. Mr Gold: I'm sure we're gonna laugh ourselves sick about all this one day. I suggest you follow me before this gets even more awkward. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina enters Granny's diner by herself, and is on the hunt for the Blind Witch. Regina walks up to the counter, where the mute maid is working). Regina: Hey, where's your boss? Mute Maid: (Can't speak, and tries to signal she doesn't know where Hades is) Regina: No, not some deity... your boss here. The blind witch? (Notices Cruella De Vil trying sneak out the back) Never mind. (Runs after Cruella and manages to catch up with her) You. Cruella De Vil: (Sighs and turns around.) Hello, Darling. Regina: You can help. Cruella De Vil: I can? I mean, of course I can. Regina: Tell me about the graveyard. I need to find someone. Cruella De Vil: Oh, it's just a chat you want. Well, if you're looking for someone, simply use your magic. Oh. Having trouble, are we? Magic's a little tricky down here, isn't it, darling? Let's sit down and be civilized. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma, Milah and Mr Gold are making their way towards Emma and Hook's house, where the entrance to hell's underground is located) Emma: The way in is here? So, what, the gates of hell are in my house? Mr Gold: As was the stone of Excalibur. The pirate has a knack for targeting real estate with hidden value. (The three enter the house, and it is abandoned. A baby cradle is one of the rooms, with a stuffed toy bear and tiger underneath) Emma: (Sighs) Basement door? Mr Gold: Basement door. Emma: (Walks up to the door and unlocks it. She then attempts to put her hand in, but is repelled by magic and turns back to face Milah and Mr Gold) It's a barrier, all right. So what is she going to do? Mr Gold: Joining hands will be fine. (The three join hands, and Milah successfully gets them past the barrier and into the tunnels of hell) Emma: It worked. Mr Gold: Indeed. One step closer to Hell. (Unknown to the three of them, as they descend deeper into the underground tunnels, the basement door closes) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Past. Enchanted Forest ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Milah and Rumplestiltskin hurriedly approach a man, who is looking at pots on a table) Rumplestiltskin: Ex-excuse us. Fendrake the Healer? S-Sorry to bother you, sir. I-It's our son. Oh, my... We... we... we left him at home, thinking it might be too dangerous to move him. Milah: (Reaches into her bag and pulls out the dead snake that bit Baelfire) We need the antidote to this. Fendrake: Atlanthean rat snake. It's a 24-hour poison. Your boy will die tomorrow. Rumplestiltskin: (Distressed) No! No. Fendrake: Unless you're willing to use magic. Rumplestiltskin: Magic! We... we'll pay anything! What magic? (Inside the healers tent, Milah and Rumplestiltskin watch as Fendrake picks up a small vial of potion) Fendrake: There is a potion to cure your child. It's very rare. Rumplestiltskin: How much? Fendrake: 100 gold pieces. (The scene switches to the doors of the healers hut banging open, and Milah and Rumplestiltskin walking out, not looking happy, and they begin walking away) Rumplestiltskin: 100 gold! We won't see that in our lives. Milah: No, but we'll get our cure anyway. Rumplestiltskin: How? Milah: You'll go back and take it. Rumplestiltskin: Take it?! He'd kill me for sure. Milah: Oh, now, there's a puzzle you'll have to figure out. He can't kill you if you get him first. (Walks away) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma, Mr Gold and Milah have made it into the tunnels and off the staircase. They are no longer holding hands, but just looking around) Mr Gold: The spell's gone. We'll be able to pass through on our own now. Thank you, Milah. You can run back to protecting the dead children. Emma: Hang on. (Turns to Milah) Milah... thank you so much. And... there's something you should know. Your son, Neal, Baelfire... when I was on my way down here on the River, I had sort of a vision of him. I think he talked to me. Milah: What did he say? Emma: He said that he moved on. And that he was happy. Whatever he had to resolve... he did it. Milah: Thank you. Thank you so much. Emma: I hear water this way. Milah: That would be the River of Lost Souls. We can take it to where Hades will have Killian. Mr Gold: I'm sorry, uh, "we" can take it? If you think you can get the pirate back, I doubt he's gonna swap the blonde for the dead woman. Milah: You might be dark, but sometimes you're still an idiot, Rumple. (Turns to Emma) I have my reasons. Let me come with you. Emma: Okay. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Cruella and Regina are in Granny's diner, sitting at a table together) Cruella De Vil: I see you're admiring my fur. Doe skin, of all things. I'm not saying it's Bambi's iconic dead mother. And I'm not saying it's not. Regina: Just tell me about the graveyard. If I find a headstone, does that mean that person's here in... "Underbrooke"? Cruella De Vil: Underbrooke. (Laughs) Oh, you are clever. No, it just means they're passing through, that's all. Who are you looking for? Regina: Well, never mind who. I just... I want to know where they are. Cruella De Vil: (Opens her bag and pulls out a piece of parchment) I have a map here. Now that I've been made mayor. Oh, thanks to your recently departed mother. It's got a list of cemetery plots, and you have to know how to interpret the headstones. You see, there's three... what would you call them? Settings? If the headstone is upright, it means the person is still here in town. If it's tipped over, it means their soul has gone on to a better place, okay? Happy person, tippy stone. Regina: And the third setting? Cruella De Vil: If it's cracked... Well, that's bad. Regina: Bad? They got pulled under to... wherever is worse than this place? Cruella De Vil: Yes. But no one who's anyone goes there anymore. (Chuckles.) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma, Mr Gold and Milah are now in the same boat Hook was in and are heading to where he is. Emma is looking at the souls in the green water) Emma: I hope this boat you found doesn't spring a leak. Mr Gold: This boat is the best thing we could have hoped to find. After we pick up the pirate, it will take us all the way home. Emma: (Stands up as the boat docks) This is it. He's down there. I feel it. (Gets out of the boat and is holding Hook's ring) Mr Gold: (Sat down) I'm not leaving the boat. It's too valuable. You're capable of getting the pirate on your own, I'm sure. And don't even think about using magic. Hades would notice anything this close to his home base. Milah: If he's not moving, I'm not, either. If he tries to steal this thing, I'll give a shout. (Emma nods, before running down a tunnel towards Hook. Milah sits back down in the boat opposite Mr Gold, and they eye one another) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Past. Enchanted Forest ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Milah and Rumplestiltskin are sat in a tavern, planning to kill Fendrake. A dagger is on the table and Rumplestiltskin is shying away from it). Milah: For God's sake, Rumple, it's a dagger, not a dragon. Don't be scared of it. Rumplestiltskin: I'm scared because our son is dying. He should be with us, not some village nursemaid. Milah: (Angry) I didn't spend our last gold coin on a knife to slice the roast at his wake. Bae only has a couple of hours left. Let's spend that time doing something to help him, something... something brave. For once. (Kisses him passionately) Now go. Rumplestiltskin: (Picks up the dagger) All right. Milah: (Whispers) Yeah? Rumplestiltskin: All right. (Gets up and leaves) (Milah stays behind and goes to finish her ale, when a man bumps into her, causing Milah to spill her drink over her) Man: Oh, did I make you do that? Oh, that's a nice dress and a pretty girl. (Grabs a cloth and tries to wipe near her chest) Milah: (Trying to push him away) Stop it. I don't need that. Man: No, I got it. I got it. Milah: I'm fine. Hook: (Walks up and pushes the man back) Leave the lady alone. Man: Or what? Hook: Well... (Punches the man unconscious, before taking a drink of a tray and sitting in front of Milah) Milah: Thank you, sir. Hook: Captain Killian Jones. (Kisses her hand) At your service, ma'am. Milah: That doesn't look to be the uniform of any navy I've... Oh. You're... Hook: Well, they call us pirates. We sail where we will and answer to no crown. Milah: I've not seen the ocean much beyond our small port. Is it wonderful to travel so much? Hook: Aye. Do you know... there are cities where the air smells of spices... and women are carried on jeweled chairs? Would you like to see that? Milah: W-Well... I would love that, but... I have responsibilities here. An ailing child. Husband. Hook: Ah, a husband. Well... it would appear a better man than I has won. But I am in port quite often... should that ever change. Milah: It... it won't. But thank you. (Hook nods, before standing up and walking to the bar for another drink. Milah watches him walk away, before turning back to her drink and taking a sip) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Hook is being lowered closer to the pool, when Emma runs in) Emma: (Shouts) Killian! (Sees him lowered some more and is breathing heavily) Killian. (She sees a narrow beam leading to the platform where he is, he's lowered some more and she prepares to cross. She steps onto the bean) Hang on! I'm coming for you! (Continues to breathe heavily as she attempts to cross. She almost stumbles and falls, but manages to regain her balance. Just as Hook is about to fall into the water, she reaches him and pulls him to safety and helps him to sit up) I got you! (Sees all his injuries) Oh... Killian. Hook: (Weakly) I told you to let me go. You shouldn't be here. Nobody should. Emma: (Tearfully) I never listen. Hook: (Small smile) You're impossible. Emma: And you love me for it. (Chuckles before pulling him into a hug) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Milah and Mr Gold are still in the boat waiting for Emma to return with Hook, and they are managing a conversation) Milah: So... you're married now. That's real. Mr Gold: Look, about your, uh, unfinished business... if it is love for the pirate, then it's definitely off the table. Milah: My unfinished business was never Killian. Mr Gold: Then why... Milah: It's Baelfire. Our son. I should have been there for him. Not... punished him because I'd... grown to hate his father. I was selfish. I thought if I could... change that, do something generous... maybe I could finish what I need to. Mr Gold: So you want to move on. Milah: Yeah. So I can... see him, and I can... say to him, "Son, I'm... I'm sorry for... everything." Mr Gold: He'll forgive you. I betrayed him, as well. As a grown man, he re-entered my life, and he forgave me. He'll do the same for you. Milah: That's a nice thought. It's just... I really want to see him again. Mr Gold: You will. And when you do... tell him hello from his papa. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Past. Enchanted Forest ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Fendrake is asleep and Rumplestiltskin sneaks in with the dagger, Milah thinking that Rumple will kill Fendrake. Instead of going to Fendrake, Rumplestiltskin starts looking through the potions, only to wake Fendrake). Fendrake: (Inhales deeply) Who's here? (Sees Rumplestiltskin) You. I can kill you with a single spell. Rumplestiltskin: Oh, I-I don't need a spell. I've got a knife!(Pulls out the dagger and moves towards Fendrake, but doesn't strike) Fendrake: Then do it. Rumplestiltskin: (He toils over it for a few moments, but can't bring himself to do it). I can't. I just can't. Fendrake: Of course not. (The scene transitions into Rumplestiltskin and Fendrake sitting next to one another in the hut. Fendrake hands Rumple a glass of a water) Rumplestiltskin: Thank you. Fendrake: How much does your son mean to you? Rumplestiltskin: Everything. Fendrake: (Holds the potion out to Rumple) Then you can leave here with the cure. Rumplestiltskin: But I-I-I-I don't have any gold. I've just got a knife. Fendrake: There will be a terrible price to pay, but not in gold. If you're interested... we can make a deal. Rumplestiltskin: I don't know much about deals, but... if I can save my son's life, I will trade anything. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Milah and Mr Gold are now out of the boat, and standing back in the stone structure. Milah is kneeling by the river and watching the lost souls) Mr Gold: They should be back by now. Milah: They all look so lost. Mr Gold: (Stands beside Milah) Yes. Yes, they do. (Hades suddenly appears and freezes Milah. Mr Gold pulls out his dagger and points it at Hades) Hades: Get your hand off that squiggly little thing. I'm not here to fight. Mr Gold: Yeah, well, perhaps I am. Hades: Oh, even when I'm here to talk about a deal. Mr Gold: A deal? Hades: Let's chat. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Regina and Mary Margaret are in the cemetery. Mary Margaret is reading off a map, and they are searching for Daniel's grave) Regina: Thank you for coming. Mary Margaret: Of course. I couldn't let you do this alone. Two... I found him. It's okay, you can look. Regina: (Looks at Daniel's grave which is tipped, signalling he has moved on) It's tipped. He's not... here. Mary Margaret: He's moved on. He's happy. (Pats Regina's arm before walking away, to allow her some privacy) Regina: (Sighs) Daniel... I'm so glad you're somewhere better. But I'm also sorry I missed the chance to see you. You were my first love, Daniel, and you will always live in my heart. I just needed to know you were okay. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr Gold and Hades are in Hades's chambers. Mr Gold is sat in a red leather chair and Hades hands him a glass of wine) Mr Gold: You knew we were there the whole time. Hades: (Laughs) Yes. You betcha. You know, I'm a fan of yours I mean, there are Dark Ones, and then there is you. You're quite the worthy rival to my hot throne. Mr Gold: So is this how you treat rivals? Hades: Did I say "rival"? I meant "supplier." You've sent so many lovely dead people my way. I mean, Regina does okay, but you've been at it longer, and she's gotten, you know, ugh lately. (Chuckles) So what I really need is you back up there doing your thing, and your friends... I want them down here, not doing their thing, because frankly, they piss me off. So I need you to sink that boat you found because it's their way out of here. Mr Gold: Well, I was gonna use that boat, too. Hades: No problem. I'll just wave my manicured hand, and boom, you'll be in bed with Mrs. Dark One by ten. You in? Mr Gold: Well, you can destroy that boat yourself, I have no doubt. Hades: I could do it myself, yes, but I want you to do it. So, are you a man I can do business with, or do I simply have to kill all of you? Mr Gold: But my ex-wife saw you just now. She'll tell everyone. Hades: I'm sure that's a puzzle you can solve. Now, just how eager are you to get home? [SCENE_BREAK] [ Past. Enchanted Forest ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Milah is watching over Baelfire, who is slowly dying. She looks worried as she holds his hand. The door opens and Rumplestiltskin arrives home) Rumplestiltskin: Milah! I got it! (Holding out the potion to her) Milah: (Happy) You got it?! (Takes the potion, unscrews the lid and lifts it Baelfire's lips allowing for him to drink from it) Bae, drink it up. (She and Rumple chuckle, and she turns to look at him happy) You did it. Rumplestiltskin: I just thought about what mattered. Milah: Well, the healer... do we have to go back and hide his body? How did you leave him? Rumplestiltskin: No, alive and well. Milah, this worked out better than we thought. I didn't even have to steal it. Milah: Tell me more. Rumplestiltskin: Well, I had him. He was half asleep, I had the knife at his throat, a-and then it came to me in a flash. I thought, i-if I kill to save my son, then my son grows up with a murderer, a monster as a father. Well, I-I couldn't do that. Milah: What are you talking about, Rumple? Rumplestiltskin: He gave me the cure because we made a deal. He wanted something else instead of gold. Milah: What did you give him? Rumplestiltskin: I signed a paper promising him my second-born child. Milah: (Horrified) You... you sold our child? Rumplestiltskin: No. No, no, no. Th-That's it. I mean, I didn't. W-We don't have a second-born child. We just have to make sure we never do. Milah: Because you sold them! You sold our future. Rumplestiltskin: No. Milah: (Heartbroken) Our family. Rumple... Baelfire: Papa? Rumplestiltskin: Bae! (Makes his way to Baelfire, Milah following) Oh, Bae! Milah: Bae. Oh! Bae, you're all right. (Laughing) You're all right. You're all right. Rumplestiltskin: You go back to sleep. Everything's gonna be fine. Oh, Milah. Bae can be all the future we need. Milah: (Angry and upset) Well... thank you very much... for deciding the rest of my narrow, little life for me. (Stands up) I'm going to the tavern, Rumple. (Leaves) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Mr Gold arrives back to where Milah is and unfreezes her. She's look confused and suspicious) Milah: (Stands up) What the hell?! Hades was just here. What's going on, Rumple? Mr Gold: (Destroys the boat) Congratulations, Dearie. I've finally become the man you always wanted me to be. The one who takes what he needs. Milah: Emma! Mr Gold: Milah! (Uses his magic to throw Milah into the river of lost souls. He inhales deeply, and purposely injures himself when he hears footsteps) Hades! (Emma and Hook come out of the tunnel to just see Mr Gold) Mr Gold: Hades! (Turns to Hook and Emma) I tried to stop him. He blew my magic right back at me. Milah... I couldn't stop it. She's gone. Emma: Milah. Hook: Milah was here? Milah? Emma: She helped us get to you. Hook: (Sadly) Hades has much to answer for. Mr Gold: Indeed he does. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Mary Margaret and Regina are walking through the Underworld version of Storybrooke when they hear a horse whinnying and they both stop) Mary Margaret: What was that? Regina: A horse? Here? (Looks around before noticing the horse laying down. It's her childhood horse she had with Daniel) Mary Margaret: What's wrong with it? Regina: It's hurt. It can't stand. (Uses her magic to heal the horse which then trots off) Mary Margaret: Regina, your magic. You did it. Regina: I did. (Creates a magic fireball) Mary Margaret: Regina, what are you doing? Regina: Just checking. I'm back. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Emma, Hook and Mr Gold have arrived back safely and are waiting for the others to arrive. Emma is helping Hook stand straight. The door opens and Mary Margaret, David, Henry, Regina and Robin Hood enter) Mary Margaret: Killian! Henry: Good job, Mom. Mary Margaret: Oh, look at you. Hook: I'll be all right. David: How did you do it? Emma: Gold got us in. He got us help. He poofed us back here. He even had a boat to get us all back home. But it's gone. Mary Margaret: What happened? Hook: Hades attacked. We lost the boat and... we lost a friend. I hear you took away my sacrifice. (Turns to look at Mr Gold) Everything I did to save my friends all went to give you back your power. I should kill you. Mr Gold: Acknowledged. Hook: But... you helped get me out of there, so I should say... Mr Gold: Thank you. No need. Hook: Stay of execution. We're even for now. Mr Gold: I just wanted to get home. And yes, you're welcome, Captain. Robin Hood: Well, we're sorry you lost her. Mr Gold: She made me who I am. Regina: Okay, we don't have a way out, but we didn't have one before anyway. My magic's working now. So let's do this heart split. That way, when we find an exit, we can get through it. Hook: (Looking at Emma shocked) Heart split? Emma: It's a good plan. It'll work. Trust me. (Steps forward, sighs and clears her throat) Do it. Regina: (Goes to remove Emma's heart, but is repelled by magic) Oh! Robin Hood: What was that? Mr Gold: Interesting. Regina: What the hell? Emma: What is this? Why didn't it work? [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (The entire group is at the cemetery. Hook and Emma are standing together, while Emma still supports him. They are looking at three gravestones which say; Emma Swan, Snow White and Regina Mills) Hook: Hades told me to pick three names and chisel them onto the headstones. He said whoever I picked would remain in the Underworld. I refused. Regina: Well, it looks like he did the picking himself. Emma: What does this mean? Regina: It means we're stuck here, and now we can't use your heart to save Hook. Mr Gold: Well... (Sighs) I got the pirate out in a day. But you lots managed to find a whole new way to fail. I'll be in the shop. (Walks away) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Past. Enchanted Forest ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Fendrake is organizing his potions when a knock comes on the door. The opens the door to see to see no one there.) Rumplestiltskin: (Already inside) Peekaboo! Some places never change, even after all these years. Wouldn't hurt to dust the chickens. Fendrake: I know who you are, Dark One. Rumplestiltskin: Well, I imagine you do. Fendrake: You weren't like this before. Rumplestiltskin: That's right. I was a mortal man then, and a moral one. A man in a desperate situation. And you took advantage, and I admire that a great deal. Full points. But I don't like carrying debt. Fendrake: Unfortunately, Dark One, the contract is binding. Even if I wanted to change it, I couldn't. You owe me. Rumplestiltskin: (Giggles) I owe you! That's right, but... I can't owe a debt to a dead man. (Rips out Fendrake's heart) Now, I don't like debts. But I do love a loophole. (Crushes Fendrake's heart, killing him) [SCENE_BREAK] [ Present. Underworld ] [SCENE_BREAK] (Hades is reading a book when Mr Gold enters) Hades: Oh, there you are. Mr Gold: I destroyed the boat. Now send me home. Hades: Oh. Thank you very much for that. It means so much to me that you took care of it. It shows passion. Was it terrible to do?I think you liked it. Mr Gold: Stop fishing. I won't tell you that I liked it, because I didn't. Not in any way that matters. And I'll never do anything like that again. Hades: Wow, you really mean that. I-I'm blown away. Well, I suppose you're ready to go home now. Mr Gold: I am. Hades: Good. Glad to hear it. (Sighs) Except... things have changed. Mr Gold: No, no. A gentleman always keeps his deals. You have to keep... Hades: Hey, I didn't say I wasn't keeping my deal. Sure, I'll send you home, just not today. Why, you ask? Because you tried to hide something from me. (Magically produces the glass ball that Gold broke earlier, which is now fixed) Ah. Let's take a look at your Belle. (The ball shows Belle sleeping) So pretty. I mean, I've been watching her for hours, and she is simply darling. You put this crystal ball together so well. Using the eyeball inspired. And then, Butterfingers, you dropped it. Insane, after all that work. And I couldn't figure out why an image of your wife would affect you so strongly. So I did a little digging and a little thinking, and I realized you weren't trying to conjure an image of her, were you? You were trying to figure out where your son went. You asked the crystal ball to show you your child, didn't you? So... Mr Gold: No, no. Hades: This is an image of your child... Your next child. Belle doesn't know it yet, but... she's pregnant. (Laughs) And guess what. Hmm. (Magically summons Fendrake) Remember him? You two had a contract. You tried to void it by killing him during a certain potentially baby-making liaison with your protege, the Evil Queen's mother, Cora. You rascal! (Chuckles) Which seemed smart at the time, but it turns out death doesn't actually nullify a contract. Not down here. Because here he is. And... here's the contract. (Produces the contract) Which he just signed over to me. So, just to be super extra clear, at any time, I can cash in the debt... and take your baby. All magic comes with a price... and now, Dark One, the price is... you work for me. And there's something I need you to do... that only you can do. [SCENE_BREAK] [ End of episode ]	Plan: A: Rumplestiltskin; Q: Who is forced to promise his second child to a healer? A: a snakebite; Q: What did Baelfire fall ill from? A: the Dark One; Q: What is the name of the character that Rumplestiltskin becomes? A: the deal; Q: What does Rumplestiltskin kill the healer to void? A: the present; Q: In what time period does Hades grow frustrated with Hook's refusal to chisel three names down onto the headstones? A: Hook; Q: Who does Hades threaten to drop into the River of Lost Souls? A: Hercules; Q: Who is the name of the hero who is to replace Prince Henry Mills? A: Megaera; Q: Who is the third name that Hades wants to chisel on the headstones? A: the River of Lost Souls; Q: Where does Milah go after Gold rescues Hook? A: Milah; Q: Who did Mr. Gold convince to help him find Hook? A: the boat; Q: What does Hades ask Gold to destroy in exchange for leaving? A: Regina; Q: Who tried to split Emma's heart in two to revive Hook? A: a protection spell; Q: What stops Regina from splitting Emma's heart in two? A: Snow White; Q: Who is the third soul Hades has chosen to replace the souls they freed? A: the souls; Q: What did Emma Swan, Regina Mills, and Snow White free? A: the debt; Q: What does Hades take on from Gold? A: Belle; Q: Who is pregnant? A: his unborn child; Q: What does Hades threaten to take from Rumplestiltskin if he doesn't work for him? Summary: In the past, Rumplestiltskin is forced to promise his second child to a healer when Baelfire falls ill from a snakebite; however, after becoming the Dark One, he kills the healer to void the deal. In the present, Hades grows frustrated with Hook's refusal to chisel three names down onto the headstones, signifying those who will remain in the Underworld to replace Prince Henry Mills, Hercules, and Megaera. He threatens to drop Hook into the River of Lost Souls. Mr. Gold finds Milah, the ex-wife he killed, convincing her to help him and Emma find Hook. However, while Emma rescues Hook, Hades offers Gold the chance to leave in exchange for destroying the boat; Gold blasts Milah out into the River of Lost Souls, hoping to keep the deal secret. Later, when Regina attempts to split Emma's heart in two to revive Hook, she finds a protection spell stopping her. It turns out Hades has chosen Emma Swan, Regina Mills, and Snow White to replace the souls they freed. Also, Hades reveals that he's taken on the debt Gold owes the healer; it turns out Belle is now pregnant. Now, Rumplestiltskin must now work for Hades; otherwise, Hades will take his unborn child.
[ The apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] Penny: Leonard, what time does your mom's plane get in? Leonard: I don't know, some time tomorrow morning. Penny: Don't you want to know for sure? Leonard: No need to. As soon as she flies into California airspace, I'll feel a disturbance in the Force. Amy: It's so nice both of your moms are coming in to see you guys get an award. Sheldon: Well, my mother's been there for every honour I've won since I beat out my twin sister for the did it on the potty trophy. How does this look? Penny: Aw, it's so nice. She's gonna love it. Amy: Sure, his mom gets roses. When I want them, they're a bouquet of severed plant genitals. Sheldon: You act like I didn't get you that mushroom log on Valentine's Day. Amy: He's right. Roses die, but a moist rotting log will pump out mushrooms for two or three magical years. Penny: You know, your mom's never been too thrilled with our relationship. Maybe I should get her something so she warms up to me. Leonard: If you could run out and get a PhD, that might make her like you. Penny: Really? It didn't work for you. Amy: Do you think the moms will get along? Leonard: Uh, I don't know. They're pretty different. Sheldon: Maybe they'll be best friends. One of them is brilliant, one is sweet and simple. Sound familiar? [SCENE_BREAK] ♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪ ♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪ ♪ The Earth began to cool ♪ ♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪ ♪ We built the Wall ♪ ♪ We built the pyramids ♪ ♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪ ♪ That all started with a big bang ♪ ♪ Bang! ♪ Original Air Date on April 30, 2015 [SCENE_BREAK] [ The apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] Mrs Cooper: Shelly, I'm so proud of you and Leonard for getting this award. Sheldon: Oh, thank you, Mother. Mrs Cooper: I tried to read your paper, but it was very hard for me to understand. Sheldon: Oh, it's quite straightforward, actually. It describes a new model of the universe that conceptualizes it as the surface of an n-dimensional superfluid. Mrs Cooper: Interesting. You can believe that, but God filling an ark with animals two-by-two is nonsense. Sheldon: What did they feed the lions, Mother? Mrs Cooper: The floating bodies of drowned sinners, of course. Sheldon: Listen, Leonard's mom is a renowned psychiatrist and woman of science. Can you please keep the Bible babble to yourself while she's here? Mrs Cooper: Are you ashamed of me? Sheldon: Of course not. I love you. I'm just embarrassed by the things you believe, do and say. Mrs Cooper: Well, I love you, too. My little bowl of lion chow. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The stairwell ] [SCENE_BREAK] Dr Hofstadter: So, have you and Penny set a wedding date? Leonard: No, we're kind of taking it slow. Dr Hofstadter: I see. Leonard: What does that mean? Dr Hofstadter: You've been on and off with this woman for seven years and engaged for one year. One has to wonder if there's a problem. Are you having satisfactory intercourse? Leonard: Yes, Mother. Dr Hofstadter: Only satisfactory. I see. Leonard: I change my answer. It, it's amazing. It's hot. We can barely keep our hands off each other. Dr Hofstadter: Seems odd to try and impress your mother with your sexual prowess. But then, you always did have that unresolved Oedipal complex. Leonard: See, this right here, what you're doing, can you please not do that around Sheldon's mom? Dr Hofstadter: Why? Are you attracted to her, too? Leonard: Of course not. She's, she's just a very sweet and God-fearing lady, and you have to be respectful of her beliefs. Dr Hofstadter: Leonard, I'm an adult. I know how to conduct myself around people from different walks of life. Leonard: Thank you. Dr Hofstadter: Where is she from again? Leonard: East Texas. Dr Hofstadter: Ugh. Leonard: Hey, look who's here. Sheldon: Oh, Doctor Hofstadter, it's so good to see you again. Dr Hofstadter: Likewise. I read your paper, it was very impressive. Sheldon: Oh, thank you. Leonard: We just spent two hours in traffic. Did you think to mention to me that you liked our paper? Dr Hofstadter: Of course I did, but it's a mother's job to make sure her child's self-esteem is not dependent on anyone's approval. Leonard: That's so sweet, you think I have self-esteem. Sheldon: Doctor Hofstadter, I want you to meet my mother, Mary. Dr Hofstadter: : So nice to meet you. Mrs Cooper: Nice to meet you, too. How was your flight? Dr Hofstadter: Very pleasant. And yours? Mrs Cooper: Lovely. Almost as if someone, not saying who, was watching over the plane. Dr Hofstadter: You're kidding, right? Leonard: Subtle, mom, real subtle. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Howard and Bernadette's house ] [SCENE_BREAK] Bernadette: Stuart. Stuart: Morning. Bernadette: We talked about this. I don't mind you still living here, but we got to have some rules. And rule number one is pants. Howard: Hey. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] Mrs Cooper: You must be very proud of your son. Dr Hofstadter: Oh, yes. He recently argued a case before the Supreme Court. Mrs Cooper: He did? Dr Hofstadter: Oh, you mean this son. Uh, sure, he's terrific. Sheldon: Beverly, would you like to see the math I worked out to support our hypothesis? Leonard: You mean, my hypothesis. I hypothesized it all by myself. Dr Hofstadter: Calm down, dear. Mary, I'm curious. When did you first realize that your son had such a remarkable mind? Sheldon: Ooh, good question. Everyone loves stories about Sheldon Cooper, boy genius. Mrs Cooper: Well, I would have to say when he was 13 and tried to build a nuclear reactor in the tool shed. Sheldon: Ooh, this is a good one. Mrs Cooper: Now, the first thing you have to know about Shelly is ever since he was a little boy, he was always concerned with the well-being of others. And he didn't think that it was fair for people to pay for electricity, so he was gonna power the entire town for free. Sheldon: (stammers) Tell her about the uranium. Tell her about the uranium. Mrs Cooper: Oh, well. Oh, this is adorable. When he arranged to get some yellowcake from Chad, I thought he was talking about Twinkies from one of his friends. Sheldon: But I wasn't. 'Cause I didn't have any friends. Mrs Cooper: (laughs) No. It turns out that this little scallywag was trying to use my Visa card to buy uranium from an African warlord in the country of Chad. Dr Hofstadter: Sounds like Sheldon was a handful. Mrs Cooper: Oh, he was a handful. Sheldon: I was a handful. Leonard: You still are. Uh, Mom, hey, tell Mary the story about how I made a Van der Graaf generator out of our vacuum cleaner. Dr Hofstadter: All right. He broke the vacuum cleaner. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Howard and Bernadette's house ] [SCENE_BREAK] Howard: I mean, for a while, everything was vampires. Now it's all zombies. I wonder what the next monster fad will be. Raj: We haven't had a good invisible man in a while. Stuart: Clearly, you've never seen me try to talk to a woman. Bernadette: Guys. In the time you've been sitting here playing video games, I got the car washed, picked up cleaning supplies and went to the bank. Stuart: I put on pants. Howard: Kiss-ass. Bernadette: Okay, I don't know when I became the mother to three lazy teenagers, but it stops today. You guys are cleaning the kitchen, top to bottom. Raj: Hey, I don't even live here. Bernadette: Yes or no, do you have clothes in my laundry right now? Raj: I do. And some of it's wool, so dry flat if possible. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] Sheldon: Oh, and here's a picture of me receiving my bachelor of science degree. Dr Hofstadter: You don't look very happy. Sheldon: Well, I had just begun puberty. It was figuratively and literally one of the hairiest moments of my life. Mrs Cooper: Shelly does not like change. Sheldon: Oh, true. But all the clenching in the world will not keep testicles in your abdomen. Penny: Hey, sorry, got caught up at work. Hi, Beverly. Dr Hofstadter: Hello. Oh, okay. Penny: Sorry, I forgot. Sheldon: You remember my mother. Penny: Oh, yes. Hi, Mary. Mrs Cooper: Good to see you again, dear. Penny: Ah, yeah, now that's what I'm talking about. Leonard: So, Mom, you haven't seen Penny since we got engaged. Penny: Oh, yeah, let me show you the ring. Dr Hofstadter: Oh, lovely. Must have been very expensive. Sheldon: Oh, no, not at all. No, we, uh, found a place online that, uh, repurposes diamond drill bits. Leonard: We did not. That's not true. Can I speak to you alone for a second? Sheldon: Oh, sure. Leonard: It came from Tiffany's. Sheldon: You mean the box, right? Leonard: Keep walking. Penny: Really doesn't matter to me how much he spent on the ring. I think. Sheldon: Did I misspeak about the ring? Leonard: Yes, and we'll get back to that. But, uh, even with your mother here, you are deliberately hogging all the attention from my mom. You're like one of those elephant seal pups that steals the milk from two mothers. Sheldon: Do you mean what marine biologists refer to as super weaning? Leonard: Yes, you are a super weaner. Sheldon: Well, now I have to correct you. As a bit of an elephant seal buff, the more accurate comparison would be when two mother seals actively seek to nourish the same pup. So I believe the term you're looking for is a double mother suckler. Leonard: Yeah, you're right. That is the term I'm looking for. You are a dirty double mother suckler. Sheldon: Okay, well, now that we have the terminology straightened out. How dare you. Penny: We're not in a rush. We'll set a date when the time is right. Mrs Cooper: It doesn't matter, sweetie. The moment a man lays with a woman, they are married in the eyes of the Lord. Dr Hofstadter: Uch. Mrs Cooper: Uch? The bible is uch to you? Dr Hofstadter: No, I'm sorry. That was inappropriate. As a psychiatrist, I know how important people's superstitions can be to them. Mrs Cooper: You want to talk about superstitions? Sheldon sent me the books you wrote, all that nonsense about superegos and ids. What bull dropped that on the barn floor? Dr Hofstadter: His name is Sigmund Freud. Penny: Hey, look at that. You both believe in Jewish bearded guys. Mrs Cooper: Stay out of this. Penny: Mm-hmm. Mrs Cooper: At least the bearded man that I believe in preaches love and compassion. All yours talks about is why you hold in your poop and want to crawl back inside your mama. Dr Hofstadter: It's fascinating. How can someone as enlightened as Sheldon come from someone like you? Mrs Cooper: I know the answer. You're not gonna like it. Dr Hofstadter: Try me. Mrs Cooper: When I was pregnant with Shelly, I was driving to church, and I was praying to the Lord to give me a son smarter than his dumb-ass daddy. And I looked over and I saw a Jesus bobblehead in the Subaru next to me nodding yes. What is that supposed to mean? Dr Hofstadter: : It means, I can't believe we're having this conversation. Mrs Cooper: Well, do it some more. Maybe you can knock some sense into yourself. Penny: Why don't we all stop hitting ourselves and talk about something safe, you know, like shoes or how cute little Chinese babies are. Sheldon: It is not my fault that your mother likes me better than she likes you. Leonard: Oh, don't flatter yourself. She likes everybody better than she likes me. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Howard and Bernadette's house ] [SCENE_BREAK] Raj: How old is this Jell-O? Stuart: Well, it's carrots, so gonna say very. Howard: Sorry we have to do this. Stuart: Bernadette's not wrong. She does work hard around here. Raj: Yeah, maybe it's a good thing if she stops babying you so much. Howard: She doesn't baby me. Stuart: I saw her pull you home in a wagon. Howard: For your information, I twisted my ankle chasing the ice cream truck. Raj: Face it, dude, Bernadette treats you the same way your mother used to, and that was not a healthy relationship. Howard: You're right. It's time for me to act like an adult in this marriage. Starting with my husbandly duty of taking out the trash. Bernie, I made a mess. [SCENE_BREAK] [ A coffee shop ] [SCENE_BREAK] Dr Hofstadter: I'm terribly sorry that I upset your mother. Sheldon: Oh, it's all right. She'll forgive you. She has to or she goes to hell. Dr Hofstadter: I can't help but notice how her unconditional love for you is diametrically opposed to my own parenting strategies. Sheldon: Well, you doled out affection as a reward for achievement, a proven way to raise a child. Or train a rat. Dr Hofstadter: But look how well you turned out. Sheldon: I'd feign modesty at this point, but who would believe me? Still, you need to consider how successful Leonard's brother and sister are. Dr Hofstadter: I suppose. Sheldon: While my brother and sister are mouth-breathing idiots. Dr Hofstadter: Do you suppose you would've flourished more in a reward-based environment? Sheldon: Perhaps. But my mom made me spaghetti with chopped-up hot dogs whenever I wanted, so who cares? [SCENE_BREAK] [ The apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] Leonard: Not once did my mother ever give me any love or affection for just being myself, I always had to earn it. Mrs Cooper: Oh, Leonard, I'm sure she loves you very much. In her own cold godless way. Penny: Yeah, and you certainly don't have to earn my love. Leonard: Thank you. Penny: Of course, you already knew that when you bought me this princess-cut drill bit. Leonard: That's not what it is. Penny: I know, I know. Zzzzzzzz. Mrs Cooper: When your mom gets back, I'm gonna need to apologize for the way I spoke to her. Penny: Well, come on now, she did kind of start it. Mrs Cooper: Doesn't matter, a good Christian would've turned the other cheek. On the other hand, a good Texan would've shot her, so, I just kind of split the difference. Hey, who's in the mood for spaghetti and hot dogs? Leonard: Oh, me. Penny: Yeah, me, too. Mrs Cooper: Coming up. Leonard: I don't really feel I deserve it. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Howard and Bernadette's house ] [SCENE_BREAK] Howard: That was a big sticky mess, but I think I got it. Raj: Looks good. Stuart: Yeah. Bernadette: Look at that. You cleaned it up all by yourself. Howard: Yes, I cleaned it up all by myself. Honestly, I don't know why you complain so... okay, maybe I missed one spot. Just leave. [SCENE_BREAK] [ The apartment ] [SCENE_BREAK] Mrs Cooper: I'm so glad that you and I were able to bury the hatchet. Dr Hofstadter: Me, too. And I respect your right to your beliefs. Mrs Cooper: And I will pray for you. Leonard: Okay, Mom, let's get you back to your hotel before anyone says anything else. Dr Hofstadter: One moment. There's something I need to say to you. Leonard: Oh, really? That's too bad. Dr Hofstadter: Leonard, I always made you earn my affection, but today I realize that there's more than one way to raise a child. Sheldon: I taught her that. Dr Hofstadter: Therefore, I would like to initiate a new protocol wherein I shower you with unconditional love. Leonard: Wow. When does that start? Dr Hofstadter: So needy. Come to Mommy. Penny: It's okay, go ahead. Dr Hofstadter: Oh, my son. Leonard: Oh, my mother. Penny: Oh, my God. [SCENE_BREAK] [ Howard and Bernadette's house ] [SCENE_BREAK] Stuart: ♪ It's a hard-knock life ♪ Together: ♪ It's the hard-knock life for us ♪ ♪ It's the hard-knock life for us ♪ ♪ 'Stead of treated, we get tricked ♪ ♪ 'Stead of kisses, we get kicked ♪ ♪ It's the hard-knock life ♪ ♪ Got no folks to speak of so ♪ ♪ It's the hard-knock row we hoe ♪ ♪ Cotton blankets... 'stead of wool ♪ ♪ Empty bellies... 'stead of full ♪ ♪ It's a hard-knock life. ♪	Plan: A: Leonard; Q: Who is jealous of Sheldon? A: an award; Q: What are Sheldon and Leonard getting for the paper they wrote together? A: both their mothers; Q: Who is in town for the award ceremony? A: Penny's engagement ring stone; Q: What does Leonard think is a recycled and recut drill bit diamond? A: Beverly; Q: Who wonders why Leonard and Penny haven't set a wedding date? A: Mary; Q: Who is fine with Leonard and Penny waiting to get married? A: The mothers; Q: Who gets into an argument after Beverly describes Mary's religious beliefs as superstition? A: children; Q: What does Beverly think there are other ways to raise than hers? A: affection; Q: What does Beverly try to show Leonard by hugging him? A: Bernadette; Q: Who makes Howard and Raj clean the kitchen? A: Mrs. Wolowitz's house; Q: Where have Howard and Bernadette moved to? A: Stuart; Q: Who is still living in Mrs. Wolowitz's house? A: Raj; Q: Who tells Howard that Bernadette acts like his mother? A: a poor job; Q: How does Howard do at cleaning the kitchen? A: three; Q: How many men sing "It's the Hard Knock Life"? A: the musical Annie; Q: What musical is "It's the Hard Knock Life" from? Summary: Sheldon and Leonard are getting an award for the paper they wrote together and both their mothers are in town for the ceremony. Both mothers focus on Sheldon, making Leonard jealous. He is also irritated when Sheldon claims Penny's engagement ring stone is really a recycled and recut drill bit diamond. Beverly wonders why Leonard and Penny haven't set a wedding date, while Mary is fine with them waiting. The mothers also get into an argument after Beverly describes Mary's religious beliefs as a superstition. Beverly later reflects with Sheldon that perhaps there are other ways than hers to raise children. The mothers make up and Beverly tries to show affection by hugging Leonard, though it is awkward for both of them. Meanwhile, Howard and Bernadette have moved into Mrs. Wolowitz's house with Stuart still living there as well. Bernadette is tired of the other two and Raj lazing around, so she makes them clean the kitchen. Raj points out to Howard that Bernadette acts like his mother. Howard tries to clean the kitchen like an adult but does a poor job. The three men continue cleaning while singing "It's the Hard Knock Life" from the musical Annie.
Act 1 Scene 1 - Frasier's Apartment SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITH EDDIE [Fade in. Daphne is ironing, Martin comes from the kitchen with a beer.] Martin: What the hell are you doing? Daphne: Ironing your son's socks. Martin: Why don't you just twist them into little balls like you do mine? Daphne: He says it bruises the cashmere. He likes them pressed, folded, then neatly arranged in those sock dividers. I saw them in a catalogue once, but couldn't imagine who in the world would ever buy such silly things. Course, I hadn't met Dr. Crane yet. Martin: [sitting in his chair] I used to think there was some sort of mix-up at the hospital. Of course, when Niles came along it shot that theory all to hell. [Frasier comes in from the bedroom.] Frasier: Oh, Dad, Dad, please. Coaster. [puts one under the beer] Your beer is sweating. Martin: So am I. You wanna shove one of those under my can? [The doorbell rings, Frasier goes to get it.] Daphne: If he could, he would. [Frasier opens the door to a neighbor.] Frasier: Oh, Mrs. Greenway! What a pleasant surprise. Dorathea: [storming in and pointing at Eddie] I knew it! That's him! Frasier: Won't you come in? Dorathea: I had to see him again before I was sure, but now I'm positive. That is the horny little mixed-breed who got my Phoebe pregnant. Martin: Hey, you can't just bust in here accusing my dog! Dorathea: Oh, it's him all right! I had to keep shooing him away from Phoebe down at the park. Look at him, he doesn't care who's life he's ruined. All he cares about is his own selfish pleasure! Martin: You know what your problem is, Dorthea? You got a bad attitude. Dorathea: [heading back to the door] Oh! Martin: That's why nobody sits with you in the park. [Eddie jumps over to the couch, staring out the door.] Frasier: Mrs. Greenway, there's no way Eddie could be the father, he's been neutered. Dorathea: Oh, really?! Then how do you explain these? [She shoves a box of puppies into his arms.] Frasier: Oh, my God! They're miniature Eddies! Daphne: [overcome] Oh, aren't they adorable? Oh! Dorathea: Well, I'm glad you think so, because they're yours! [leaves] Frasier: Oh! [to Eddie] Bad dog! Look what you did! [Eddie jumps back to Martin, Frasier gives the box to Daphne. ] Frasier: Here, take these. Dad, Dad, I expect an explanation. All this time I thought Eddie had been fixed. Martin: All you had to do was look. Frasier: Well, I am glad to say I've never been that bored. Daphne: [cuddling the puppies] Ooh, couldn't you just eat them up? Frasier: Oh, for God's sake, please, don't love them. They'll think they're staying. [shoves them back in the box] Keep them off the couch. [to Martin] What were you thinking, letting him run free in the park? Haven't you ever seen the way he tries to romance my towel warmer? Martin: Look, he's cooped up here all day. When we go to the park, I let him off the leash so he can get a little exercise. Frasier: Apparently, that's not all he got. Daphne: [holding out a puppy] I think I found the perfect name for this one... Frasier: STOP! Dogs only need names if you are planning to call them to you, which we are not. [grabs a puppy that got loose] Oh, now listen you, you get right back in there, you mangy little thing. Oh, my God... all right, all right, now I've got to run down to the radio station, but believe me we are going to be having a discussion about this when I get... Martin: Oh, relax, Frasier. I'll have Eddie taken care of tomorrow. Frasier: Yes, well you better. Now, Daphne, give me that box, please. Daphne: Where are you taking the puppies? Frasier: To see if I can unload some of them down at the station. Daphne: Oh, well, couldn't we just keep them for a while? Frasier: No, no, we don't want them taking after their father. [As he carries the box to the door, all the puppies suddenly stand on their hind legs inside the box and look at Frasier.] Frasier: Though it may be too late already. Oh, for God's sake, STOP STARING AT ME! [He leaves. Fade out.] Scene 2 - KACL CATWOMAN [Roz is on her side of the booth reading. Frasier comes in behind her.] Frasier: Hello, Roz, don't you look lovely... Roz: [not looking] I know what's in the box, and I don't want one. Frasier: But I didn't say anything! Roz: Betty from Accounting called to warn me. Where did you find them, anyway? Frasier: In my living room. These are Eddie's mongrel seed. [crossing to his side of the booth] You don't know anybody that wants six puppies, do you? Roz: Six? All right, Eddie! Frasier: Oh, please! I've been traipsing up and down the hallway for an hour, trying to unload them; I haven't had the slightest bit of luck. Roz: Well, you see Frasier, not everybody likes dogs. Take me, I'm a cat person. I mean it's not like I'd ever buy a cat mug or a cat calendar, or anything, but; I had a cat when I was growing up. We were almost inseparable. Muffles... or Scruffles, something like that. Frasier: You know, Roz, it's entirely possible that there's a dog lover inside of you that's just dying to get out. Don't you think so? [She shakes her head, he picks up a puppy and gives it to her.] Frasier: Come on, come on, just, just take a look, just have a look, let's have a look... Roz: [with a melting smile and cooing] Ooh, he's adorable! Oh, come here little fella. Oh, aren't you the cutest little thing? Oh, oh, oh, yeah, give me a little kiss. Ooh, I love you too! [Then hands the puppy back with a completely flat face; deadpan] There, happy now? Frasier: Roz! How can you just toss him aside after such a tender display of affection? Roz: I can do it with men, too. Come on, Frasier, it's time to start the show. [Frasier holds the puppy up to a man passing by the window.] Frasier: Oh, Phil, puppy, puppy! [Phil wards him off with his hands and keeps walking] They're all on to me. All right, now, you guys behave yourselves. [He puts on his headphones and Roz cues him through the window.] Frasier: Hello, Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane coming to you from KACL 780 talk radio. I'll be with you for the next three hours. So Roz, who's our first caller? Roz: We have Rita on line four, she's feeling a little overwhelmed at home. Frasier: Hello, Rita, I'm listening. Rita: Yeah, Dr. Crane? Dr. Crane... I'm, I'm- uh, thank you for taking my call. I, I, I tell you, I am about to lose my mind. I am raising four kids by myself, the oldest one is not even seven and the other three are all under five. Between cooking and cleaning and changing diapers and tripping over toys... I, I feel sometimes like I'm about to snap. What should I do? Frasier: Have you considered getting a puppy? [Roz looks at him in disbelief. Fade out.] Scene 3 - Frasier's Apartment UN PEU DE PATE DERRIERE LES OREILLES [There is a family of four, the Thomases, holding one of the puppies and talking with Daphne.] Thomas: Well, if we can't have this one, are there any other puppies available? Daphne: No, we found homes for all the others. But thanks for coming over, 'bye now. Thomas: But, the children. Dr. Crane said... Daphne: Oh, don't get all wobbly now. There are other dogs in the world, you know. Now give me that. [takes the dog from the little girl and ushers them out the door] Thank you for coming over, thank you. [She closes the door behind them, Frasier comes in from the kitchen with a tray.] Frasier: I thought you might like some wine and paté, and I made some lemonade for the children... [He looks up and sees no Thomases, only Daphne protectively cuddling the puppy.] Frasier: [coldly] Where are the Thomases? Why is that dog still here? Daphne: I'm sorry, Dr. Crane, but they struck me as unfit guardians. Frasier: For God's sake, he works at the zoo! She's a nurse, Billy's an altar boy and Kathy is a Camp-Fire Girl! Daphne: They had a dark aura. Frasier: They had a ten-acre farm! If they'd have taken me, I'd have gone with them! Daphne: Oh, I see! So you want me to give the little fellow away to just anybody. [The doorbell rings.] Frasier: Well, no, I'm not saying that. It's just that he can't stay here. [He answers the door. It is Niles.] Frasier: Oh, hello, Niles. Come on in. Niles: Hope you don't mind my stopping by, but Maris is hosting the Women's League Senior yoga group and... old money in body stockings... [grimaces] Frasier: Say no more, you're welcome to hide out here. Niles: I see the kennel is still open. Frasier: Yes, but that's the last one. I'd even managed to find a nice home for him, but Daphne thought the family wasn't nice enough. Some paté, Niles? Daphne: I didn't reject them, the dog did. Canines have a very keen sense of who's a nice person and who isn't. Why, many's the time I've chosen a man based solely on the way my mum's springer spaniel took to them. Frasier: Oh, Daphne, that is preposterous! Letting a dog choose your dates? [When the others aren't looking, Niles takes a dab of pate from his cracker and applies it behind his ears.] Daphne: It's true! If a dog likes a man, it's a good bet he's warm and sensitive. Niles: [going to the couch and taking the puppy from Daphne] You know, I really didn't get a good look at this little tyke. Come here, boy, come to your Uncle Niles. [The puppy begins licking behind his ear.] Daphne: Look at that! He's taken quite a shine to you. Niles: Yes, happens all the time. Frasier: Daphne, would you mind taking the dog away, please? Get back on the phone with the Thomases, tell them we've reconsidered. Daphne: [taking the puppy] All right. But only for a two-week trial. Frasier: Thank you. Daphne: Come along, Basil. Frasier: I told you not to name them! [Daphne exits. Martin comes in with Eddie.] Niles: Ooh, hello, Dad. Martin: Afternoon, boys. [Martin undoes Eddie's leash. He jumps on the coffee table and scurries over to Martin's chair.] Frasier: Dad, I seem to remember that Eddie had a little appointment down at the vet's. Can't help but notice he still has that certain spring in his step. Martin: Yeah, well, we started heading down there, but the traffic was a bear, you know. You get a sunny day in this town and everybody forgets how to drive. [He goes into the powder room.] Frasier: You are going to reschedule, aren't you? Martin: [through the door] Oh, yeah, yeah, I'll call in the morning. Frasier: That's the second time you've canceled that appointment. What seems to be the problem? Martin: Oh, it's no problem. What's the big deal? I'll call tomorrow. Relax, will ya? [Eddie jumps on the couch beside Niles and begins licking behind his other ear.] Niles: Oh, dear God, he's licking me! Frasier: Eddie, just stop! [He shoos Eddie away, then grabs Niles's head for a closer look.] Oh, Niles, you have liver behind your ears. Niles: I imagine I must have picked up a cracker and inadvertently scratched behind my ear. Frasier: So you're telling me that you had a wad of cold meat behind your ears and didn't feel it? Niles: That's the story I'm sticking with, yes. [Martin comes out.] Frasier: Dad, Dad, listen: I want your assurance that you'll take care of this. Martin: Fine. Frasier: You promise? Martin: Hey! I said I'd do it and I will. You don't have to pin a note to my sweater, get off my back! Anybody wants me, I'll be down at Duke's. [He leaves.] Niles: Ever notice how much faster he moves when he's wrong? Frasier: Apparently he's got some sort of psychological block against taking Eddie down there. Guess I'm gonna have to do it. Somebody has to be responsible in this family. OK, come on, Eddie let's go. Good boy. [Eddie runs over to the kitchen table.] Eddie? Uh, Niles... [He motions for Niles to help him.] Niles: [coming around the other side] Now Eddie, it's a routine operation. They say it's almost painless, [to Frasier] although I can't imagine... Frasier: You know, Niles, perhaps it's best we don't discuss the operation. We might spook him Niles: Excuse me? Are you saying he understands me? Frasier: Well, he understands the word B - A - T - H. God knows how much english he's picked up. Niles: Fine. Tu tournes a droit. Frasier: Ah, bon, bon. Je marcherai derriere lui.. Niles: Mais, tu es celui qui va l'amener chez le medecin pour le... snip-snip. Frasier: Ah. C'es vrais, mais...oh, what are we doing? Eddie, come here! This is ridiculous. Look at him. Oh, for Pete's sake. [Eddie races away to the bedrooms as Niles and Frasier give chase.] Act 2 Scene 1 - The Vet's Office DOCTOR! NO! [Frasier is sitting in the reception area, Eddie is on the chair beside him, staring at him intently.] Frasier: What are you staring at? You know why you're here, don't you? Well now, listen, it's for your own good. Believe me you'll be much happier afterwards. Look, your day-to-day routine, it'll be exactly the same. You'll be able to sleep, run around with your little buddies, go play in the woods, chase the birds, lick your... did I mention sleep? [Martin comes in the door.] Martin: You've got a lot of nerve, you know that?! You all right, boy? Frasier: Well, of course he's all right, Dad. Why are you getting so upset? I'm only doing this to help you out. Martin: Oh, that's a load of crap. Frasier: Look, we agreed that this had to be done, right? Now, you seem to be have a problem with it, so I took charge. Martin: Well, I don't need you taking charge. Eddie's my dog, so mind your own damn business. And here's something else you should know: I don't need your help and I don't want it! Frasier: Why are you so upset? It doesn't matter who brought him down here. Martin: Yes it does! I'm perfectly capable of taking care of him. Just like I feed him, walk him and give him his bath! [A man comes in and leaves the door open. Eddie runs out] Martin: Eddie! See what you did! Frasier: Me?! [They rush out the door. Fade out.] Scene 2 - Frasier's Apartment [Martin is on the phone.] Martin: OK. Thanks, and oh, Daphne's here in case anybody sees him. [hangs up] I got the guys at the station circulating Eddie's picture. I'm gonna go out and look for him so more. Daphne comes out of the kitchen with a tray. Daphne: Oh, come on, now. You've done enough. Why don't you just sit still and drink your tea? Martin: I hate tea! Daphne: Humor me. In an emergency, it's all I know how to do. Martin: That's a real comfort coming from a health care provider. [Frasier comes in the front door. Martin and he share an uncomfortable look.] Frasier: Dad, I'm sorry. There was no luck at the pound. They said they'd call if they find a dog matching Eddie's description. [spotting a flyer by the phone] A five hundred dollar reward for Eddie?! [Martin glares at him.] Frasier: Are you sure it's enough? Martin: Right now it's about five hundred more than I'd pay to get you back. Frasier: Look, Dad, I said I was sorry. Martin: Well, I just can't sit here. I'm goin' back to the park. Frasier: The park again? What makes you think he's gonna show up there? Martin: Because that's his hangout. Didn't you ever have a place like that? A place where you went to meet women, a place where you got lucky? Frasier: Well, I suppose so, yeah. Martin: Didn't you go back? Frasier: [with feigned enthusiasm] To the park! Martin: This time we'll comb every inch of that place. Every tree, every bush... uh, Daphne, we're gonna need more help, so call Niles and tell him we'll pick him up. [she nods] Frasier: Oh, yes, wouldn't want to go out in the wilds without one of the world's great outdoorsmen! Daphne: [holding her head] Oh, this is odd. I just got one of my psychic flashes. It's about Eddie. Martin: Well? Daphne: It doesn't make any sense. All I'm getting is a picture of Eddie sitting with Dr. Crane. [Cut to - a bus bench with an ad for Frasier's show. Eddie is sitting on it, staring at Frasier's picture. Fade out.] [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 3 - The Park THE STAKEOUT [Martin is sitting in Frasier's car, Frasier climbs in.] Martin: Any luck? Frasier: I couldn't find him. Martin: Where's Niles? Frasier: Ah, we split up to cover more ground. Martin: Well, scrunch down. If Eddie comes back and sees you here, he'll run away again. [Fraser slumps down in the seat with an embarrassed look on his face.] Frasier: You know, Dad, maybe we oughta call it a night. You've been sittin' in this car for three hours. Martin: Ah, that's nothin'. I was on a stakeout once for fifteen hours without ever gettin' out of the car. We had a contest to see who could last the longest. The winner was "Canteen" McHugh. Know why we called him that? Frasier: I think I can guess. Martin: Because his bladder was the size of a canteen. Frasier: Thank you for clearing that up. Martin: You could've slung his bladder over your shoulder and gone on a twenty mile forced march through the desert. Frasier: Big, huh? Martin: Isn't that what I've been sayin'? [Frasier rolls his window down.] Martin: Hey, close that window! It's freezin'! Frasier: Oh, Dad, it's like a blast furnace in here. Martin: Well, I'm cold, okay? At my age, you get cold easily. Frasier: All right. [He rolls the window back up.] Frasier: You know Dad, I've just developed a very intersting theory about you... Martin: [sarcastic] If I begged you, would you share it with me? Frasier: If that's your attitude, just forget it! [The car phone rings and Frasier answers it.] Frasier: Hello? Oh, Niles! Martin: Did he find him?! Frasier: Just a second, Niles, let me put you on speaker-phone here. Hang on. [he sets the phone down] OK, go ahead, Niles. Niles: [from the phone] I'm out here in the middle of the park and I'm lost! Thank God for my cellular! Martin: Did you see Eddie? Niles: No, but I thought I saw a raccoon. When I stopped running, I had no idea where I was. You've got to help me! Frasier: All right, all right, Niles, just, just remain calm. Let me think back to my Boy Scout training. [opens the car sun-roof] All right, now, we're on the northeast corner of the park... all right, look into the heavens and see if you can spot the North Star. Then you want to turn twelve degrees to your right... Martin: Oh, for God's sake, just walk towards the horn. [begins honking] Niles: I hear it! I hear it, Dad! I'm walking. Martin: All right, just keep following it. [honks again] Niles: I see a grove of trees, and a fountain, and... a horrible, wretched, hunchbacked old man! Stay away from me! No, no, it was just a bush. OK, OK, things are beginning to look familiar now. Keep honking. I think I'm homing in. Yes, I'm quite sure this is the way. [He climbs into the back seat, still talking into his cellular.] Niles: OK, you can hang up now. [hangs his up] That was a harrowing experience! Martin: Yeah, a shrub and a raccoon in one night and you lived to tell about it. Niles: Dad, I'm sorry I couldn't find Eddie. I hope you'll understand, I think I'd like to go home now and hold my wife. That is, if she'll let me. I'll just hail a cab. Frasier: Be sure to call us from the curb when you get there, so we know you're safe. [Niles gets out.] Martin: Hey, you're probably tired too. If you want to go with him, that's OK. Frasier: No, that's all right, Dad. I'll stay for a little while longer. Martin: Look, I'm sorry I cut you off like that before, I've just never gone in for that psychological mumbo-jumbo. Probably started back on the force when they'd make us go see The Squirrel. Frasier: Who? Martin: Dr. Bergman, the department shrink. We called him "The Squirrel" 'cause guys got sent to him when they got squirrelly. He'd show you a bunch of ink-blots and ask about your toilet habits... If I wanted to talk about toilet habits, I woulda stayed partners with Nate Dombrowski. We nicknamed him "The Big..." Frasier: Thank you! Martin: Look, it wasn't just Eddie I was mad about. Eddie was the straw that broke the camel's back. Seems like I'm always being told to take my feet off the furniture, put a coaster under my beer, turn the TV down... I used to make the rules, and now I have to follow them. This makin' any sense to you? Frasier: From a psychological standpoint, it makes perfect sense. Slowly, over the years, your responsibilities have been taken away from you, and you, well, you feel symbolically castrated. Martin: Oh, why does everything with you shrinks start in the crotch? Frasier: All right, all right. Well, maybe my rules are too rigid. Maybe I should try to relax a little. Martin: No, no. Hey, it's your house, you do what you want. I don't know what's buggin' me. I guess it's not easy for a guy like me to not be in charge. Frasier: You know, Dad, a lot of people confuse not being in charge with not being respected. I hope you're not making that mistake, because you command a great deal of respect. There's not a day in my life when I don't hold myself up to the Martin Crane yardstick. I guess a son always wants to make his father proud. Martin: Yeah, I guess. Frasier: So...? Martin: Yeah, yeah, you're doin' fine. [muttering] Even if you are a big pain in the ass. Frasier: You know, I'm not sure I could have made Eddie go through with that operation, anyway. That's a tough thing for a guy to do to another guy. Martin: Amen to that. [Eddie jumps up on the trunk of the car, Frasier spots him in the rear-view mirror.] Frasier: You know what? It's getting kinda late. What do you say we go home and get some sleep? [Eddie barks.] Martin: [opening his door] Eddie! Hey, hey, come here boy! [Eddie jumps in and sits on his lap.] Hey, atta boy! Hey, good to see you fella, how ya doin'? [to Frasier] It might be nice if you welcomed him back. Frasier: Hello, Eddie. [pets him] Good dog - oh, wet dog! Martin: Yeah, you're shivering! [grabs some clothing from the back seat and wraps it around Eddie] Here, we gotta get you warmed up! Frasier: Dad! That's a hundred percent cashmere pull-over! [Martin glares at him] It's meant to be worn with the collar up. [He adjusts it on Eddie. Fade out.] [SCENE_BREAK] Back in the vet's waiting room, Frasier, Martin and Niles are all there with Eddie. The nurse calls to them but they don't move. She comes around the counter, picks Eddie up and takes him back to the operating areas, Eddie looking back over her shoulder at the men. The guys have their hands in their laps and looks of sympathy and nervousness on their faces. Together they cross their legs.	Plan: A: Eddie; Q: Who fathers a litter of puppies by a neighbor's dog? A: Frasier; Q: Who tries to get Eddie neutered? A: Martin; Q: Who is supposed to have had Eddie neutered? Summary: When Eddie fathers a litter of puppies by a neighbor's dog, Frasier gets irritated at Martin, who is supposed to have had Eddie neutered. With Martin unwilling to subject Eddie to the procedure, Frasier attempts to arrange it instead.
[PREVIOUSLY_ON] (OPEN in Luke's diner, morning. Lorelai and Luke walk in carrying a bunch of shopping bags each) LORELAI: Oh! Winded! Too many steps. LUKE: I said I'd carry them. LORELAI: Need water. Gunga din! LUKE: They're not that heavy. LORELAI: Yeah! You should take those steps out. They get in the way. LUKE: First thing tomorrow. Man, you bought a lot of stuff. (they set the bags on the counter, Luke goes behind it and Lorelai starts looking though them) LORELAI: All stuff I need or want, or think I might someday need or want. (excited) OK now let's find your new wallet! LUKE: We can get it later. LORELAI: (looking through some bags) No, it's buried in here somewhere. Have I looked in this bag already? LUKE: You didn't have to buy me a new wallet. My old wallet was fine. LORELAI: Your old wallet has Velcro. LUKE: It works. LORELAI: It's disgusting. Now come on, let's find it. (notices something in one of the bags) Wait a second. What is this? LUKE: (approaching Lorelai) Your underwear. (Lorelai picks out of the bag a huge pink satin pair of panties) LORELAI: (stunned) Uh! Thanks a lot! LUKE: (suppressing a laugh) I didn't see how big they were. What are they doing in there? LORELAI: Well, I'm guessing probably hiding from their real owners, 'cause I would hate to be wrapped around the woman who fit those. LUKE: Maybe you just grabbed the wrong bag. LORELAI: (takes out a huge pair of bunny slippers and sets them on the counter) Oh, poor thing, she's single. (her cell phone rings and she reaches for it. Luke clears his throat and points at the "No Cell Phones" sign) LUKE: It still applies. (Lorelai answers the phone anyway) LORELAI: Hello? Sookie? Sookie, slow down, I can't understand a word you're saying. LUKE: (amused looking at the slippers) She's got huge feet. LORELAI: The Inn's on fire?! LUKE: (concerned) What? LORELAI: The stove is on fire? Well, put it out. It's out? So you're saying, there was a fire, but now it's out. Good, what's the damage? LUKE: You had a fire? LORELAI: Okay, okay, good. I'll be right there. (hangs up. To Luke) The wall behind the stove caught fire. There's damage, but nothing major. Thank God. LUKE: (quickly walks over to Lorelai) Come on. I'll take you. LORELAI: Oh, my God! Another fire at the Inn, like the Independence Inn. Oh, no! Am I a fire starter? I'm a fire starter, aren't I? LUKE: You are not a fire starter. (calls to the kitchen) Caesar, we'll be right back. LORELAI: What about the bags? LUKE: Caesar will put the bags away. Let's go. LORELAI: Go first, in case things burst into flames behind me as I walk. LUKE: Will do. (the start to exit the diner) OPENING CREDITS (CUT to Dragonfly Inn kitchen, morning. Luke and Jackson are working over at the stove. Lorelai, Sookie and Michel are further away talking) SOOKIE: I saw my whole life pass before my eyes. That's how traumatic it was! MICHEL: She's been Scarlett O'Hara for two hours. It's sickening. SOOKIE: My whole life. Flash! I mean, that's upsetting! You know, not that it's been a bad life, although I could have skipped seeing "Mummenschanz." LUKE: Do you want to hand me the screwdriver? JACKSON: I would kind of need a third hand to do that. LORELAI: Why are the boys bickering? SOOKIE: There's something in the air today. JACKSON: (Luke holds up a flashlight in Jackson's direction) Could you not shine that in my face? LUKE: Just move your face. JACKSON: You mean off of my head? LORELAI: So, Mutt and Jeff, what's the prognosis there? LUKE: When's the last time you checked your ductwork? SOOKIE: Never. Oh, boy, I shouldn't be allowed in a kitchen! LUKE: (walking away from the stove) My guess is that the grease built up in the back, and the ventilation's not great, and the wall heated up, and it burned. LORELAI: So what do we do? SOOKIE: Don't tell me we're shut down! LUKE: You'll have to repair the wall before you put the stove back, and you're gonna have to clean your ductwork. JACKSON: (walks away from the stove) Which means closing the kitchen till you do. SOOKIE: Well, then, fix it now. JACKSON: You need a pro to do this. LUKE: And if an insurance guy doesn't see it before you fix it, he won't pay. MICHEL: Well, I've already talked to the insurance company. They've never heard of us. LORELAI: That's impossible. We're customers. We send them a check every month. MICHEL: The people I talked to, all very rude, by the way, said they don't even cover businesses such as ours. LORELAI: Again, a mistake. I'll get the policy out. I'll call them myself. (to Luke and Jackson) Thank you. LUKE: You really should get a second screwdriver. JACKSON: Nag, nag, nag. (Luke and Jackson exit the Inn kitchen) (CUT to Gilmore mansion patio, morning. The DAR ladies, Emily and Rory are having drinks and talking) NORA: We should be flayed. NANCY: Don't overreact, Nora. NORA: We should never have let it get to this point. We're all at fault here. VIVIAN: It's a humiliation. EMILY: Ladies, we know this. No one is more embarrassed than myself, but what are we going to do? NANCY: How many tables are still unsold? EMILY: Over half. DAR LADIES: (upset) Oh! Unbelievable! VIVIAN: This is a function for our troops. NORA: We'll be the laughingstock of the DAR. We'll lose our national accreditation, and this is a very weak drink. EMILY: It's just punch, Nora. NORA: My point, dear. EMILY: I simply don't understand people. DAR LADY2: This money was designated for additional armor for the boys at Fort Drum. VIVIAN: We've insulted the organization, insulted our troops... NORA: We might as well all march to Mount Vernon, drop our drawers, and do something foul on George Washington's grave. EMILY: (disapprovingly) Nora! NORA: I'm sorry, but I'm really upset about this, and I'm far too sober to put it in any sort of perspective. RORY: But the function is still a week away. There's time to fix this. (the ladies make cutesy "Oh" sounds) VIVIAN: Rory, you're darling. EMILY: She's new, ladies. VIVIAN: A week is nothing. EMILY: Again, what do we do? NANCY: We should cancel the event. EMILY: This is a nightmare. VIVIAN: Is Constance not showing her face on purpose? EMILY: Would you? RORY: Why would Constance...? EMILY: She's running the event...into the ground. I blame myself. I let her talk me into it. NANCY: She's never slipped up like this before. RORY: Is it definitely too late to do something? EMILY: To do what? RORY: I don't know. To publicize the event more, get those tables sold? EMILY: We spent our budget for publicity. We're wiped out. RORY: But a budget is just an estimation. It's guesswork, fake numbers. In any business endeavour, sometimes it makes sense to run a deficit in order to achieve a bigger payoff later. NORA: We're lunching with Grover Norquist. RORY: Well, have we tried getting the word out online? A lot can be done that way. (the ladies listen carefully and seem impressed and interested) And maybe we can add some entertainment or a theme. Send out some e-mails. E-mailing doesn't cost a thing. EMILY: We hadn't thought about e-mail. RORY: I think there's a way to correct this. A week is plenty of time. NORA: Well, well, well, we have a star amongst us. RORY: (chuckles) Who? NORA: You! RORY: (taken aback) Me? NORA: (defiant) Take it over. RORY: What? VIVIAN: I think that's a wonderful idea! EMILY: I don't know. We have a mountain here, ladies. NORA: We're screwing the pooch, Emily, and we've got to go balls out. I, for one, will not have those priggish twigs from the New York chapters lording this over us. We need to take a swing here, and Babe Ruth sits before us. EMILY: (to Rory) You shouldn't feel pressured. RORY: I know. NORA: My essence is, that if Rory doesn't think she can do it, she'll turn us down. EMILY: I suppose that's true. NORA: What do you say, you slugger? RORY: I'll do it. (the ladies make triumphant noises and gestures) NORA: Yes! Let's ring Constance. NANCY: We'll put you in touch with the people at the venue immediately. NORA: And you'll have an assistant. Lacey. You'll love her. DAR LADY2: I'd look at the menu. NORA: And we'll set up a discretionary fund. This publicity idea you were thinking of may be the key. (the ladies and Rory start talking about planning the function while Emily looks concerned) (CUT to Sookie and Jackson's house, night. Davey is watching TV, while the Lorelai, Luke and Jackson are eating dinner. Sookie is in the kitchen and starts walking towards the dinning table) SOOKIE: Dig in, everybody. LORELAI: I'm past digging, I'm burrowing. This is delicious. SOOKIE: Tri-tip on the barbecue, you can't beat it. Oh! (to Jackson) Hey, you turn the barbecue off? JACKSON: The barbecue is off. LORELAI: Good stuff, huh? LUKE: Really good. JACKSON: Thanks. Excuse me. (yelling) Davey, turn the volume down! LUKE: The vegetables are good, Sookie. SOOKIE: Thanks, Luke. (yelling) Davey, you heard your father. Turn it down! LORELAI: Oh, I'll turn it down. SOOKIE: No, we want Davey to do it. JACKSON: That's how he learns. (to Davey) You heard me, son. Turn it down. SOOKIE: (screeching) Turn it down! JACKSON: Right now. SOOKIE: Ooh, I need a lemon slice. (picks up her glass and gets up and walks to the kitchen) JACKSON: So did anybody see that new show on TV last night? LORELAI: The one where they were solving crimes by cutting bodies open and poking their organs? JACKSON: No. SOOKIE: The one where they're solving crimes from 30 years ago by going to graveyards and cutting open bodies and poking their organs? JACKSON: No. LORELAI: OH! The one where people are missing, and they find their bodies, and cut them open, and poke their organs, and that's how they solve crimes? JACKSON: No. LORELAI: What else is on? JACKSON: (shouting) You gotta turn the TV down, son! LORELAI: Are you sure you don't want me to... JACKSON: He's got to learn. (shouting) You heard me, son! Volume down! SOOKIE: (from kitchen screeching) Volume down! JACKSON: Listen to your mother! (voice back to normal volume) What's that show I'm thinking of? SOOKIE: (walking back toward the table) I'm back. (sits down) You like the squash, Luke? JACKSON: Oh, this is gonna bug me. LUKE: I'm not a big fan of the squash. SOOKIE: OH! I forgot the pepper flakes. (gets up again) LORELAI: Sookie, your food's getting cold. JACKSON: (to Luke) I thought you liked squash. LUKE: Nope. JACKSON: What's that vegetable I thought you liked? (Luke looks at him unfazed) LORELAI: Hey Sookie, do you have a fork for Paul Anka? He likes his own fork. Uh, plastic preferred. SOOKIE: Got one here. JACKSON: Oh, now this is gonna bug me! What is that vegetable? SOOKIE: The plastic's too high for me to reach. It's up there. LORELAI: Oh, I'll get it. You have to eat. (gets up and takes Sookie's plate with her to the kitchen) SOOKIE: Jackson, what's that smell? JACKSON: Oh, man, I left the barbecue on. SOOKIE: We cannot set this place on fire, too. I have had enough fires this week. JACKSON: I'll get it. (get up from the table and as he walks past the TV) Turn the volume down, Davey. I'm not gonna tell you twice. LORELAI: Here you go. It's nice and lean, the way you like it. (gives PA a treat) SOOKIE: Dog who doesn't like fat. That's just weird. LORELAI: He's not weird. He's trying to maintain his bathing-suit figure. SOOKIE: So, speaking of my least favourite word in the world, fire. Where are we with the insurance company? LORELAI: Uh, nowhere. I got the same run-around they gave Michel. SOOKIE: Then let's just do the work. Forget the insurance. Give me back my kitchen. LORELAI: Tom's all ready to jump in, but we can't afford to do it without the insurance money. That's why we have insurance. SOOKIE: We have stupid insurance. I mean, this policy, wasn't it set up by your... LORELAI: Yes. SOOKIE: So if we're getting the run-around does it mean that you have to...? LORELAI: Yes. SOOKIE: Sorry. LORELAI: I know. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I'll call him tomorrow. JACKSON: (as he walk back in a baby starts crying) Barbecue's off. SOOKIE: Martha's up. JACKSON: (walks out of the room again) I'm on it. Turn the TV down, Davey. SOOKIE: Turn it down. You heard us. Turn it down. I'm gonna count to 10, Davey. Then the TV is going off for the rest of the week.10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...(as Sookie is counting down Lorelai notices Luke sitting alone at the table eating his food) (CUT to Gilmore mansion, night. Emily and Richard are sitting in the living room each respectively reading a book. While Richard looks completely absorbed in what he's reading, Emily seems to have other things on her mind) EMILY: She threw out the menu. RICHARD: (distracted) Hmm? EMILY: Rory. She's changed the entire menu. RICHARD: What menu? EMILY: Richard, listen when I talk to you. RICHARD: I'm sorry, Emily. It takes a second to emerge from Samuel Beckett. He's a strange man. (takes off his glasses and closes his book) Go on. EMILY: Rory threw out the entire menu for the Fort Drum event. I mean, granted, Constance was going with Cornish game hen, been there, done that. And her fetish for Brussels sprouts is upsetting. But to throw out the entire menu? So close to the event? RICHARD: I can't say that I'm a big fan of DAR cuisine. So I may not be of much help. EMILY: I'm trying not to butt in, but how can I not worry? RICHARD: (puts on his glasses and re-opens his book) By not thinking about it. EMILY: Is there still a USO? RICHARD: I think so. Why? EMILY: That's the theme, the USO. Or that's where it's being held. Oh, my god, she didn't change the menu and the location? Is that possible? RICHARD: You should ask her. EMILY: I'm trying to keep out of it. RICHARD: You're doing a terrific job. EMILY: She's not serving salmon puffs. RICHARD: (shuts his book a bit irritated) Good night, Mr.Beckett. (turns his attention to Emily) EMILY: We've never not served salmon puffs. Not in 25 years have we staged an event without salmon puffs. RICHARD: Emily, please. It's Rory. What she tackles, she conquers. This girl could name the state capitals at three. Recite the periodic table at four. Discuss Schopenhauer's influence on Nietzsche when she was ten. She's read every book by every author with a Russian surname and had a 4.2 grade-point average at one of the toughest schools on the east coast. If she's excluding salmon puffs, she has a good reason to exclude salmon puffs. And I, for one, have complete confidence in her ability to tackle this job, and so should you. EMILY: Fine, go back to your Beckett. RICHARD: (goes back to reading his book) Thank you. EMILY: (wistful) Salmon puffs. (CUT to Dragonfly Inn kitchen, morning. Sookie is instructing her crew. Lorelai looks on) SOOKIE: We'll show 'em. Huh, guys!? (pats one of the assistant chefs on the chest) We'll show 'em, you don't need fancy stuff like stoves in order to make a delicious meal. We've got salads. Lots and lots of salads, caprese and endive and arugula and...Ooh! Cold sandwiches. And beef carpaccio and tuna carpaccio and vegetable carpaccio and...(to Lorelai) Oh, my God. I need my frigging stove back. I'm dying here! LORELAI: Okay, hang in there, hon. (to kitchen crew) Thanks. (as the crew starts to exit Richard walks in the kitchen with another man) RICHARD: Lorelai, I hope it's all right walking in like this. I knew where the kitchen was, so I just figured I'd come back. Sookie. SOOKIE: You're our knight in shining armor, Mr.Gilmore. RICHARD: (indicating the man he brought along) This is Harris. He'll do the inspection, get the lay of the land. Shouldn't take long. (to Harris) Go ahead and start. (Harris walks over to the stove. To Lorelai and Sookie) I should apologize for the red tape and the delay. As a rule, we don't take on small accounts like this, except under extraordinary circumstances. Until the news reached my desk, no one was sure of what to do. LORELAI: Uh huh. RICHARD: I can write you a check today. I figured that would please you. LORELAI: Terrific. SOOKIE: I'm going to go call Tom and see if he can race right over here and start the work. (to Richard) Bless you, sir. You're my golden god. (Sookie leaves. Lorelai and Richard seem uncomfortable as Harris goes on with the inspection) LORELAI: So, um, how's your big plan working out? RICHARD: Excuse me? LORELAI: Oh, your big plan for Rory. How's that going, Dad? RICHARD: Let me know if you need anything, Harris. LORELAI: Is she back at Yale? RICHARD: Lorelai... LORELAI: oh, I take it she's not. RICHARD: No, she's not. LORELAI: Huh. But it's in the works? RICHARD: We'll be here ten minutes. LORELAI: No, wait! Let me guess. You're gonna trick her into going back, right? Like you'll drive up and drop her off at Yale, then you'll drive away really quickly before she catches on. Is that one of the plans? RICHARD: (staring to get mad) Is there anything I can do to expedite this, Harris? LORELAI: You see that family of Logan's recently. The...Hamburgers? RICHARD: Huntzbergers. LORELAI: Right, right. How are the old Huntzbergers? They behaving any better than that night they humiliated your granddaughter? RICHARD: They did not humiliate her. LORELAI: Rory said they did. RICHARD: I know the Huntzbergers. They're fine people. What happened that night was a misunderstanding, because they have nothing against Rory. LORELAI: No? RICHARD: Why would they? LORELAI: Ask them! RICHARD: It's not true! LORELAI: Well, then that granddaughter of yours, what a liar. RICHARD: Harris, take a couple of pictures and we'll go. (to Lorelai) We just need the quote from your contractor in writing. Send all his bills directly to me. LORELAI: Will do. RICHARD: Goodbye. (he exits. Harris takes one last picture and follows him) LORELAI: (to the, now, empty kitchen) It's been lovely. (CUT to pool house, morning. Rory is planning the event with the assistance of three more people) RORY: What about silverware? GLENDA: I can get you 1940s, the real thing. It's plates though. Plates are a toughie. LACEY: Plates break. GLENDA: I can get you a couple of dozen, hand-painted, not 100. RORY: So, what's our best bet? An off-white, new, but made to look vintage? LANCE: Off-white would be super. RORY: They should be heavy, right? Solid? GLENDA: Oh, my servers are gonna love that. RORY: Then not too heavy. Lacey, get me samples of all this? LACEY: Will do. RORY: Now, there must be a colour photo of the Hollywood Canteen. I mean, we've checked the Internet. The library? LACEY: The Getty in California has one in their collection, but they're very flaky on the phone. RORY: Ugh, California. LANCE: I'm so over the west coast. RORY: A bunch of granola heads. (a cell phone rings. Lacey answers) LACEY: Rory Gilmore's phone...Who's calling?...One moment, please. (to Rory) It's Logan Huntzberger. RORY: I'll take that. (takes the phone from Lacey) Hello? LOGAN: (he's at Yale. The scene switches between Rory at the pool house and Logan at school) Oh, my God. Who was that? RORY: My assistant. I forwarded my phone to hers. LOGAN: You have an assistant? RORY: Just for this DAR thing. I get a million calls. LOGAN: well I consider myself lucky to be patched through. RORY: You have priority clearance. LOGAN: So, good news. I got the PA system you wanted at the price you wanted. RORY: Really? Oh, cool. Lacey, PA system: Done. LACEY: Excellent. RORY: (to Logan on phone) That's great. LOGAN: This guy's done the sound at every party I've ever thrown. He's the best in the business. RORY: (there is a knock at the door. It's Paris) And, oh, goody. Paris is here. And she looks upset. LOGAN: That and a bulldozer would knock me over. PARIS: Excuse me? The door is locked. LACEY: (to Rory) Do you know her? RORY: Let her in, then hide. (to Logan on phone) I'll call you later. LOGAN: Bye. (hangs up) PARIS: (as Lacey opens the door for her, in mock Lacey voice) "Do you know her?". (back to normal voice) I'm only her best friend. Who the hell are you? RORY: Paris, come here. Calm down. (Paris walks over to her) What's wrong? PARIS: I'm broke. RORY: Broke? How? PARIS: My parents flipped the bird at the IRS one too many times. They've frozen everything. All I've got is my trust fund, which doesn't kick in till I'm twenty-five. Unless you can whip out a magic wand and age me four years, I'm a goner. RORY: Just, sit down. Calm down. (lead her to the couch where they sit) PARIS: My ATM refused me. I thought it was just that particular one. So I went to another, and it refused me, too. So I went to the bank and used a few choice expletives, and a bunch of guys in suits started closing in on me. So I started pacing and yelling, "Attica! Attica!", and then the manager hit a little red button under his desk, so I ran out of there and came right over here. I'm a pauper. I'll be playing a hurdy gurdy on street corners and selling pencils out of a tin cup. RORY: Slow down. PARIS: Yale's paid for, through the end of the year, thank God. But...what'll I do about everything else I need? What'll I do? RORY: You'll just have to do what everyone else who needs money has to do. PARIS: What's that? RORY: What people do. PARIS: What am I, a mind reader? RORY: Get a job. PARIS: A job? I've never had a job. I don't know the first thing about having a job. All I've got on my resume is academic achievements, which will mean doodly-squat when I'm in line with 11,000 people vying for an opening in the garden department at Wal-Mart. RORY: Paris, wait. As you said, Yale's paid for. That's the bright side. From now on, you'll just have to keep your expenses low. And I could get you some work. Right away. How would that be? PARIS: Really? RORY: Yes. I know you'll be a hard worker. That's a given. PARIS: I definitely would be. And, you know I speak Chinese and Farsi, if that'll help. RORY: Well, I need servers for the food. You could do that, right? PARIS: I think so. RORY: See? You're on the road to recovery. PARIS: Oh, thanks. (they get up and Paris approaches Glenda, Lacey and the guy) And I'll work my butt off, too, Glenda. Oh, and I know a smattering of ancient Aramaic, if that helps. GLENDA: It could. LANCE: If Christ shows up. PARIS: And who are you? RORY: Go home, Paris. You've had a rough day. PARIS: I guess. RORY: I'll call you with the details. PARIS: Thanks. (walks over to Rory and whispers) Hey, uh, can you spot me a 20... RORY: Sure. PARIS: (whispering) ...5, 25? RORY: (grabs some cash and gives it to Paris) Um, here you go. PARIS: Thanks. (she leaves) RORY: (approaching the three assistants) I owe you more than you currently realize. Okay, where were we? (CUT to Lorelai's kitchen, night. Luke is cooking as Lorelai walks in) LORELAI: Mmm. LUKE: Pasta's almost done, sauce is close, too. LORELAI: Luke, you could have just used the store-bought sauce I have. (starts to lay the table) LUKE: Ugh, that stuff is junk. LORELAI: (insulted) It's delicious Italian sauce. LUKE: OK, first off, it's not. Second, all you had was four already-opened jars, two of which I couldn't get the lids off of. LORELAI: Somebody needs some gym time, LUKE: And one of them had a layer of white fuzz on it. LORELAI: That was a little gross. LUKE: And the last one, green fuzz. LORELAI: Also gross. LUKE: I make better, just like mama taught me. LORELAI: I know you do. How's Paul Anka's dinner coming? LUKE: His hamburger's close, too. LORELAI: You're not overcooking it, (Luke walks over to the fridge) 'cause, you know, he likes it rare plus, you know, not too rare, but not medium rare. LUKE: (picks up a flier from the fridge) I'm cooking it to his exacting specifications. (read the flier) Miss Patty's having a recital? LORELAI: Oh, yeah. It's her big annual show. All her kids in all her classes get to perform. It's be there or be square. Best show in town. LUKE: It's a Thursday, right? That's a good night. I can have Caesar close for me. LORELAI: Why? LUKE: So I can go with you. LORELAI: Oh, no. Luke, you're not going to this recital. LUKE: Why not? LORELAI: Because it's a night of kids dancing, singing, twirling batons. You'll hate it. LUKE: No, I won't. LORELAI: Yes, you will. LUKE: Not my first choice in entertainment, but I'll go. LORELAI: Luke, no. You have been sacrificing too much of yourself these past few months. You go with me to my movies, you tag along when I go shopping. And that dinner at Sookie and Jackson's...how you kept from killing us all, I'll never know. LUKE: I haven't been complaining about any of this. LORELAI: I know, and that has filled me with no end of guilt. You've been a saint, but you've got to do your Luke stuff, too. When was the last time you went camping or fishing? LUKE: You don't like camping or fishing. LORELAI: That shouldn't stop you from camping or fishing. LUKE: I'd go if I felt like it. LORELAI: Well, then go Thursday while I'm at the recital. I'll go with Sookie. It'll be fun with her. LUKE: You sure? LORELAI: Yeah! Go. You haven't been camping in forever. Be Grizzly Adams. LUKE: Okay, sure, I'll go camping. LORELAI: (approaches Luke at the stove) Good. (notices something in a pan, PA's dinner) Oh, it's officially... LUKE: Oh, medium rare, not rare plus. I'll get him another. (Luke takes the hamburger out of the pan and prepares another) (CUT to Gilmore mansion dining room, night. Richard, Emily and Rory are having dinner. Richard attempts to engage the women in some conversation but Rory seems distracted) RICHARD: Well, I don't know why I bother. The great books take practically a lifetime to read as it is. But if you heed the word of Mortimer Adler, one needs to read a classic three times to fully comprehend its meaning. RORY: (distracted) Yeah. RICHARD: I wonder if Mortimer ever read "Euclid's geometry" three times. That's a fun read. Have you read "Euclid's geometry"? RORY: (not any less distracted) Me? No. RICHARD: It doesn't get any drier. What have you been reading lately? I keep forgetting to ask. (makes a gesture to answer but instead starts texting someone with her cell phone) EMILY: Rory? RORY: Sorry, guys. The event's right around the corner, and I just keep thinking of things I have to do. I'm just texting Lacey. EMILY: So how's that going? RORY: Good, really good. EMILY: Good. Did Lacey mention the partitions? RORY: (still texting) Partitions? EMILY: At Wafford Hall. It's so big, and these partitions can cut the room wherever you like so it won't look so empty. They're not very decorative, but they work. RORY: Hold on just a second. (end texting and puts the phone down) Partitions? EMILY: For the room. RORY: But we won't have any room. We're sold out. EMILY: Sold out? That's not possible. RORY: Oh, it's a fact. The theme got people's attention. Plus, the online campaign went like gangbusters. We're having to turn people away. That's what I was texting Lacey about. I'm trying to squeeze in a few more, but we're fighting the fire department over it. EMILY: (disbelieving and impressed) You're turning people away? RORY: But still encouraging them to give a sizable donation to our boys. RICHARD: Brilliant. EMILY: (brightly) Sold out! RICHARD: (to Rory) I knew you could do it! EMILY: Good job! RORY: Thank you. EMILY: Continue texting. RORY: Oh, thank you. (picks up her phone again as Richard and Emily continue eating) [SCENE_BREAK] (CUT to Wafford Hall-venue for the DAR event, morning. Workers are setting up tables and decorations while Rory is walking through the hall thinking she's talking to someone when in reality she's talking to thin air) RORY: Oh, when the band gets here, grab Gerry and get them to do a sound check. Make sure they're happy with the sound. Not just cheery, because...(turns around and sees nobody there) Lacey? Where's my Lacey? LACEY: (runs towards Rory) Here. RORY: Come on, honey, keep up. LACEY: I spotted the security guard, so I filled him in. RORY: Excellent. Cross that off the list. Servers are here? LACEY: Got them all waiting in the back. RORY: Excellent! (as they start walking to the kitchen Rory addresses two guys putting up a poster) Wow! Treat her gently there, boys. Betty's life was tough enough. (CUT to Wafford Hall's kitchen, continuous. There is a bunch of people waiting. Rory walks in and sees Paris) RORY: Hey, Paris. PARIS: Rory, I clocked in. RORY: Cool! PARIS: They gave me this card, and it had my name on it. And I shoved it in the clock thing, and it made the punchy sound, and I'm officially on the job. RORY: Great! PARIS: And I'm prepared too. I was a little nervous last night about making small talk with co-workers. So I went to the video store and rented "Working Girl" and the first season of "Just Shoot Me". Got a couple of Wendie Malick bon mots that have already come in handy. RORY: Very good. Welcome. PARIS: Thanks, boss. RORY: I'm gonna welcome the whole group here. PARIS: No problem. (Rory walks past Paris and addresses the rest of the crowd. Paris stands behind Rory) RORY: Hello. You must be my servers. I'm Rory Gilmore. I'm running this little shindig. How are all of you today? SERVERS: Good. Great. RORY: You all come highly recommended by Glenda, our catering manager, so I know you're all top notch... PARIS: (cuts Rory off and walks up front) Yeah, super. Looks like a good group. Good group. RORY: (whispering to Paris) Um, you know, you should probably be standing over with the others. PARIS: Oh, right. I'm one of them. Got it. Sorry. (walks over to the rest of the group) RORY: (to the whole group) So it's going to be hard work tonight. We have 100 people dining with us. But I want you to have fun, too. We have your outfits on a rack over here. Your name should be on them. It's a good cause, so let's get changed and go do. (walks away) PARIS: (to one of the other servers) So, working hard or hardly working? (the girl giggles) Oh, my, oh, my. I love it! (the whole group approaches the rack to get their outfits) (CUT to Miss Patty's, night. The studio is filled with people. Sookie and Lorelai walk in and approach the lady passing out the programs. They each take one) SOOKIE: (as she takes a program) Hey, thanks. LORELAI: (as she takes a program) Thank you. SOOKIE: So where's Luke tonight? LORELAI: As we speak, he's off communing with nature. SOOKIE: Oh, good for him. (they sit) LORELAI: Yeah. SOOKIE: (reading from the program) Ooh, the ballerinas are doing "Swan Lake". That always makes me cry. LORELAI: (opens the program) Oh, Patty's packed it all in. Baton twirling, a modelling exhibition. She's added a couple new features, too. SOOKIE: Yeah, what's krumping? LORELAI: Um, like hip-hop dance, I think, more herky-jerky. SOOKIE: And what is pubic speaking? LORELAI: I'm hoping it's a misprint. SOOKIE: I hope so, too. PATTY: (declaring the start of the show. Everyone is now seated) Welcome, everybody, to the 28th Annual Miss Patty's School Grand Recital. (the audience applauds) Thank you. We have a lot on the program tonight. So, without further ado, please welcome my intermediate pupils as they welcome you. Hit it, boys. (a young boy in a blue outfit and a hat comes on stage as the piano starts to play) LORELAI: She always does a fun opening number. (the boy starts singing the song "We've Got Magic To Do") LORELAI: Isn't he cute? SOOKIE: Darling. (as he keeps up with the song a bunch of kids join him. They are taking the show off the stage and in the audience. All the kids are dancing and singing) SOOKIE: Uh-oh, they're in the audience. LORELAI: Oh! I...I hate it when they come into the audience. Okay. Yeah... (the kids start gesturing vividly in front of Lorelai and Sookie's faces) This is...this is not good. (the kids continue their act and start throwing glitter out to the audience. They hit Sookie and Lorelai with a great amount of it. The women react) LORELAI: AAH! SOOKIE: OH! LORELAI: Blowing stuff on us! (the kids continue on with their show, into the audience) (CUT to Wafford Hall, night. The event is just staring up. Some guests have arrived. There is a band that are impersonating the Andrews Sisters, who are singing on stage. Rory and Lacey walk around the hall doing last minute inspections) RORY: People seem hungry tonight. Tell... LACEY: ...Glenda to speed the trays up a bit. RORY: Yeah, and let the sound guy know... LACEY: ...that the drums are a little loud. RORY: And it's a tad warm. LACEY: Already had them adjust the AC. RORY: Any incoming choppers, radar? LACE: Choppers? No. What do you mean? RORY: That was a joke, Lacey. LACEY: Oh. Sorry. RORY: You're a doll. Remember to have a little fun tonight, too. LACEY: Will do...Radar. I get it now. That was funny. I'll be back. (Lacey walks briskly away, Rory follows. Paris approaches a guest with a tray of appetizers) PARIS: (offering the tray) Appetizers? GUEST: Oh, thank you. (takes an appetizer and eats it) PARIS: You're welcome. So how was that? GUEST: It was fine, very good. PARIS: I meant the transaction. I'd love a performance review. Come on, be my Dave Navarro. GUEST: (a bit uncomfortable) Um, you were fine. PARIS: I'm gonna need more. It was T.S. Eliot who said criticism is as inevitable as breathing and said that we should be none the worse for articulating what passes in our mind when we read a book, see a play or, now I'm elaborating, pass a cheddar and olive ball. I need some feedback. GUEST: Really, you offered it to me well, and all seemed great, and I don't want to talk about this anymore. PARIS: Good. Thank you, this has been a help. (walks away from the guest. Emily and Richard have now arrived at the event. The hostess welcomes them at the door) HOSTESS: Welcome to the Hollywood Canteen. RICHARD: Thank you. We're the Gilmores. EMILY: (impressed) Richard, look at this place! RICHARD: It's wonderful. HOSTESS: Here is your table number. And take a pin, both of you. RICHARD: Oh, thank you. EMILY: Yeah, thank you. (they enter the hall properly now) Oh, I love this song. And look at the band. It's the Andrews Sisters. RICHARD: They've kept in pretty good shape. (Rory walks up to the G-parents) RORY: Hi, guys. RICHARD: Aw! Looks like you've got a hit on your hands. RORY: So far, so good. No one's dancing, though. EMILY: Oh, it's early. You'll see plenty of dancing after dinner. RICHARD: You'll see some dancing right now. EMILY: Richard, it's before dinner. There's no dancing during appetizers. RICHARD: Come on, let's show these fuddy-duddies how it's done. (leads Emily to the dance floor and they start dancing, as Rory looks at them smiling) (CUT to woods, night. Luke is sitting alone at the campsite in front of a fire. He looks sad, upset and miserable) (CUT to Wafford Hall, night. It's now dinnertime. Richard, Emily and Nancy are at the same table deep in conversation) RICHARD: My father was a huge Benny Goodman fan. Hated Glenn Miller, hated him. Always claimed it wasn't the enemy who shot down that plane of his, but music lovers. EMILY: Oh, Richard, that's a horrible thing to say. RICHARD: It was my father who said it. EMILY: But you just repeated it. (Rory approaches their table) Here's the woman of the hour. RICHARD: Ah! RORY: How's the food, everybody? NANCY: The macaroni and cheese, what an inspiration! RICHARD: Rory, please accept my profound thanks for serving food at a DAR event which is remarkably edible. EMILY: Oh, Richard. We always have good food. RICHARD: You have fancy good food. If I never look at another duck's liver for the rest of my life, I will be a happy man. (Lacey, come up to Rory a bit upset) LACEY: Rory, could I pull you away for just a second? RORY: Sure. Excuse me, everybody. (the girls walk away) NANCY: She's so poised...like you, Emily. LACEY: A party's arrived. I'm looking, looking. They did not RSVP, but they're expecting a table. RORY: Oh, great. Where are they? LACEY: By the war bonds table. It's Shira Huntzberger. She waltzed in with a group of ladies in tow and made it clear she expected to be accommodated. RORY: (starting to get worked up) Did she? LACEY: And not very nicely either. RORY: (sarcastically) Oh, what a shock. LACEY: But you know her, right? That's your boyfriend's mother. RORY: Yeah, yeah, I know her. LACEY: I didn't mean to insult her before. She was just very abrupt. RORY: It's OK. I'll take care of it. LACEY: (passes Rory a piece of paper) Here's the seating chart. RORY: Thanks. (takes the seating chart and exits to the kitchen) (CUT to Wafford Hall's kitchen, continuous. Rory enters and Paris is there working) PARIS: Hey, boss. It's interesting, you know. Karl Marx has come alive for me today. I never understood what he was yammering about before, and now it just seems so obviously wrong that those who control capital should make their fortunes off the labour of the working class. What's wrong with you? RORY: Shira Huntzberger is here. PARIS: Logan's mom? RORY: And she showed up with no warning. No RSVP, no donation to the cause that I know of. Just sashayed in, expecting everyone to fall at her feet. PARIS: I hate that. RORY: I hate her. Hate! Strong, unadulterated, blind...Uurrghh! PARIS: Wow. You're always so Desmond Tutu-ey. This is refreshing. RORY: I should tell her to leave. I should march up to her and tell her to grab those arrogance-dripping, petulance-oozing, surgically cosmeticized bims she brought along and hit the bricks. PARIS: I bet they all have money, too. Every one of those commodity fetishists. RORY: How can she expect a table? The tables are for the people who are polite enough to respond to an invitation in the proper manner. PARIS: I bet you the Romanovs never RSVP'd either. They got theirs. Capitalist scum. RORY: I hate her! PARIS: I hate the rich. A hard rain is gonna fall, you know what I'm saying? RORY: I really hate her! PARIS: They should die. RORY: I should probably give her a table. PARIS: What? RORY: Well, we have a spare table. We kept it open in case of something like this. I should give it to her. PARIS: But she doesn't deserve it. RORY: I know, but this is business. It's not personal. I should give her that table. PARIS: Fine. Whatever you think. You're the boss. Hey, boss, how much are you being paid in this job of yours? (Rory looks at Paris for a beat and then walks way) (CUT to main Hall, continuous. Rory walks out of the kitchen, takes a second to calm down and approaches Shira and her party. The whole conversation seems to be held in forced politeness) RORY: Mrs. Huntzberger. SHIRA: Rory, hi! What are you doing here? RORY: I'm running this event. SHIRA: I didn't know. RORY: Well, now you do. SHIRA: I think I've been bad. RORY: Oh, really? Why? SHIRA: I just showed up without any warning. I didn't think I could come, so I didn't call. Then I could, and the group and I just came down. RORY: It happens. SHIRA: That's what I told that other girl. She was a bit rude. RORY: Lacey? I'll talk to her. SHIRA: Could you get us a table? RORY: Of course. Come. SHIRA: It's not a problem? RORY: Oh! Not at all. (leads Shira and the ladies that accompany her to a table) Come with me. It's all set up. SHIRA: Oh, you are the best. RORY: It's just my job. SHIRA: So no Logan? RORY: Not tonight. SHIRA: Not his thing? RORY: Oh, you know Logan. Here we are. SHIRA: Thank you so much. (as she sits down) And you look so pretty. RORY: So do you. Have a good time. SHIRA: I'm sure we will. (Rory walks away upset) (CUT to Wafford Hall's bar. Richard, Emily and Vivian are having drinks and talking) VIVIAN: You've created a superstar here tonight, Emily. I hope you know that. EMILY: Well, yes, I do. VIVIAN: There's already talk of giving her the A.A. RICHARD: An A.A? VIVIAN: An Abigail Adams, for distinguished service above and beyond. EMILY: She deserves it. VIVIAN: She's made this a must-be-at event. I'm guessing that's what brought Shira here. EMILY: (excited) Shira? Shira Huntzberger's here? VIVIAN: Rumsfeld, himself, would probably call her and thank her for the donation she made on the way in. Hillbilly armor will be a thing of the past. EMILY: Where is she sitting? VIVIAN: Up front. The table by the band. EMILY: (shocked) Oh, my God! RICHARD: (confused) What? EMILY: Oh, my god. Excuse me. (Emily rushes off over to Rory at the other end of the bar) Rory, where's the seating chart? RORY: What? Why? EMILY: There's been a terrible mistake. RORY: What mistake? EMILY: You sat Shira Huntzberger at the slush table. RORY: It was all that was available. EMILY: The slush table is a loser table. RORY: But why would we have a loser table? EMILY: It's for people who show up unannounced. RORY: (pissy) She was unannounced. EMILY: There's people, then there's the Huntzbergers. They cannot sit at that table. This needs to be rectified. RORY: I don't know what I can do. Every table is taken. EMILY: I'll take care of it. Give me the seating chart. I'll find someone to bump. There's always someone to bump. RORY: (opening up the seating chart and passing it to Emily) Grandma, it doesn't seem fair to bump someone. EMILY: It's not. But if we don't find better seating for the Huntzbergers, it'll be a major faux pas, and it may be the only thing people remember from this otherwise wonderful event. RORY: Wow. EMILY: Yes. RORY: Well, thank you for helping. And it's not the Huntzbergers. EMILY: (distracted by the seating chart) What? RORY: You keep saying "the Huntzbergers." It's only Shira and some friends. EMILY: And Mitchum. RORY: No. EMILY: Yes. He's right over there. (points to Mitchum's direction. Rory looks around, notices Mitchum and starts to panic. Emily gasps gleefully) The Bettertons. Perfect! We'll bump Constance Betterton. It's a win/win. (walks away and leaves a scared looking Rory alone. Rory quickly gathers her things and walks away) (CUT to Wafford Hall's kitchen, continuous. Rory walks in quickly and drops her notes on the counter. Paris seems to be taking a break) RORY: (upset) Paris?! PARIS: I'm just on my break. You're white as a sheet. RORY: I'm having trouble...breathing. PARIS: (walks over to Rory) You're having a panic attack. RORY: I think so. PARIS: Don't worry. I have these all the time. RORY: What do I do? PARIS: Well, it depends. There are different kinds. Does it feel like an elephant is sitting on your chest? RORY: No. PARIS: Does your chest feel like an overinflated balloon with a slow leak? RORY: Uum...Not really. PARIS: Sharp needles, intermittently poking into your left ventricle? RORY: I don't know from ventricles, but there is a needle thing. PARIS: You need Diazepam. 50...no, 100 milligrams. I'll get my purse. (starts to leave) RORY: No, wait. I don't want any Diazepam. (Paris stops and walks back up at Rory) PARIS: Well, what do you want? Fluoxetine, Protriptyline? I have others floating around the bottom of my purse. I have no idea what they are, but just popping a few can't hurt. Pretty hot grab bag RORY: These people...Those people, they didn't even RSVP. That's not right. This is for our boys. They need to make a donation. PARIS: (walks closer to Rory) Tough night for you, huh? RORY: Shira's one thing. I can deal with her. But Mitchum? I can't see him. I can't face him. It's too much. After what he did, what he said to me. (voice breaks) PARIS: What did he say to you? RORY: If it weren't for him, I wouldn't have... PARIS: you wouldn't have what? Rory? RORY: Nothing, nothing. He's just...They're just not the nicest people. PARIS: Well, the rich never are, because they don't have to be. When you control the means of production, it reduces the incentive to humanize workers. The capitalist system... RORY (cuts Paris off) You know, I haven't eaten all day. I...I think I should eat. That's my problem. (walks away) PARIS: Sure, boss, go eat. There's probably somewhere else where you eat, right? Special room. (CUT to Miss Patty's, night. Some girls are on stage dancing "Swan Lake". Lorelai and Sookie are watching the show. Sookie is tear eyed) SOOKIE: It's just so damn beautiful. LORELAI: (sympathetically) I know, honey. (the dance is over and the audience starts to applaud) PATTY: The Miss Patty Ballerinas, everybody. Now I would like to introduce a special new segment of my annual recital entitled "It Was 20 Years Ago Today." One of our local townsmen is going to re-create an act that he performed on this very stage 20 years ago. This young man was a talented pupil of my wonderful dancing skills and a genius tumbler. He once did ninety-eight somersaults in a row without throwing up. But that's nothing compared with his talent for mime. Here to present a piece of his own creation, entitled "The Journey Of Man", exactly as he performed it 20 years ago is...Kirk! (The audience applauds, Lorelai whistles. The lights go down and creepy, dramatical, mystical music starts to play. Kirk walks on stage and lies down. A spotlight on him is the only thing illuminating the stage) LORELAI: (whispering to Sookie) Oh, it's moments like these that make life worth living. (Kirk starts up with his number. He pretends to be a sperm swimming then an embryo. All this is done in a very Kirk like disturbing manner) LORELAI: Ew. SOOKIE: Ew. (the same dramatic music keeps playing, now accompanied by chanting. Kirk is now re-enacting birth) LORELAI: (disgusted) Ew! SOOKIE: (disgusted) Ew! (Kirk does some funny - well not meant to be funny, but they come off that way - faces and gestures as he does that thing where doctors hit the baby's back in order to make it cry) LORELAI: So it's the birth of Lucille Ball? (Kirk is now an infant, walking like he's holding someone?s hand. Slowly he starts to stand up straight and then pretends to hold a bundle. Lorelai gasps!) He's a parent now, I get that. SOOKIE: He's moving along at a nice clip. (Lorelai notices Luke's truck at the diner and sees Luke getting out and going back in) LORELAI: I'll be right back. SOOKIE: I'll catch you up when you return. (Lorelai gets up and exits the studio) (CUT to Luke's diner, continuous. Luke is unpacking his camping stuff. Lorelai knocks on the diner door. Luke walks over, unlocks it for her and walks back to the counter. Lorelai comes in) LORELAI: Hey, Grizzly Adams. Why are you back? The woods closed or something? LUKE: No, they weren't closed. I was...I don't know. It's...what it is. Nature. LORELAI: Nature? Nature is... LUKE: You know, it's there, I saw it. Trees, leaves, whatever. LORELAI: OK, that's your second answer in the form of a haiku. Let's get beyond that. Why are you back? LUKE: Because I felt like coming back. I can't do what I want to do? LORELAI: Of course you can. LUKE: Good. LORELAI: But camping is something you want to do. LUKE: No, it's what you wanted me to do. LORELAI: When did you turn against camping? LUKE: I didn't turn against camping. I'm just trying to understand, why you were trying to get rid of me tonight. LORELAI: I wasn't doing that. LUKE: Well, you sent me off to the woods. What if I don't want to go off to the woods? LORELAI: But you always want to go to the woods. LUKE: Well, I don't like going to the woods when I'm being banished to them. LORELAI: No one is banishing you. LUKE: It felt like it. LORELAI: Well, then, that's my fault. (sits on a nearby stool) LUKE: (sighs) Look... I like doing things with you. Surprised I have to tell you that. LORELAI: You don't have to tell me that. LUKE: I like going shopping with you, I like having dinner with Sookie and Jackson. The actual shopping seems a little pointless, and Sookie's kids drive me up a wall, but you're there, and I like hanging with you. LORELAI: I know that. LUKE: And, I could have been fun at this recital. I mean, you're probably sitting there mocking most of it. I can mock stuff. LORELAI: Oh, you're a great mocker. I was only thinking of you when I mentioned the camping. You haven't been camping since we got together, and I was feeling weird about that. You should do the things you like. LUKE: I do do the things I like. LORELAI: Well, I wasn't getting rid of you. I want you to do whatever you want to do with me. I know that sounded dirty, and dirty things count, but I didn't mean the dirty things. You and me can hang whenever, wherever. LUKE: Yeah, well, maybe I'm being sensitive. LORELAI: I really wasn't getting rid of you. LUKE: I mean, I'm not dying to see baton twirling. LORELAI: I'm happy to be with a man who isn't. LUKE: Was there baton twirling? LORELAI: Oh, yes, and it was no fun. She didn't drop it once. You want to come back to the recital with me? Kirk is doing something strange and disturbing. LUKE: Nah, I think I might go back out camping. Wouldn't mind doing some fishing. LORELAI: Good. LUKE: Yeah. Good. LORELAI: OK. (Lorelai leaves and Luke turns back his focus to his camping equipment) (CUT to Miss Patty's Studio, continuous. Kirk is now lying on the stage and he seems to be in some sort of fit. Lorelai enters and makes her way to her seat) LORELAI: Excuse me. Thank you. Hey. SOOKIE: Kirk's dying. LORELAI: Oh. Well, it's gonna happen to all of us one day. (notices Kirk twitching all over the place) Just not so spazzy. (Kirk finally seems to have died and the music stops. The audience starts applauding and cheering) PATTY: And that's our show, everybody, and I think it was the best one ever! From all of us at the Miss Patty School, we thank you. (everyone starts to get up as music starts playing again. It's "We Got Magic To Do" now performed by all the pupils. The show is taken in the audience so everyone sits back down) SOOKIE: (disappointed) OOooohh... LORELAI: They're back. (as one of the kids starts singing and gesturing in front of her face) OK. (they throw glitter at them again) Oh, wow! You'd think they would have run out of glitter by now. SOOKIE: This is so stressful! (the show seems to go on until the song is over) (CUT to Wafford Hall's men?s room, night. Richard is washing his hands. Apparently the DAR event is still going on. Mitchum walks in the men?s room and greats Richard) MITCHUM: Richard. RICHARD: Oh, Mitchum, old boy. I didn't know you were out there. MITCHUM: Just got here. It's quite the affair we got going here. RICHARD: And for a wonderful cause. MITCHUM: Not stuffy like the others. No smell of mothballs. RICHARD: Well you know my granddaughter is responsible for it. MITCHUM: Oh, yeah? RICHARD: Mmm. Planned the whole thing. MITCHUM: Well, that's nice. I didn't know that. She's a sweet kid. RICHARD: The sweetest. MITCHUM: Yeah. I wish Rory nothing but the best. (walks over to the mirror and starts fixing his hair a bit and straightening his tie) I came straight from work without looking in a mirror. Wish I had. RICHARD: (chuckles) Mitchum, just out of curiosity, what happened with all of that? MITCHUM: All of what? RICHARD: Uh, that paper of yours in Stanford. Something apparently got blown out of proportion. There was some misunderstanding. MITCHUM: Oh, it was nothing much. She's a great kid. RICHARD: She is. And a great journalist. I've read things she's written. She's a talent. MITCHUM: Maybe. RICHARD: What do you mean "maybe"? MITCHUM: well, I worked with her, Richard. I read her stuff, too. RICHARD: Meaning? MITCHUM: I've read great. I know what great is. RICHARD: Well, when I said great, I didn't mean she was Ben Bradley yet, but she could be. MITCHUM: (looks over at Richard for a beat) Anything's possible. (starts to walk away) RICHARD: What exactly happened at that paper, Mitchum? (walks over to Mitchum) MITCHUM: It didn't work out, Richard. It was just one of those things. She's better off for what I did. RICHARD: And what exactly did you do? MITCHUM: Nothing you wouldn't have done. RICHARD: Oh? And what was that? MITCHUM: You're in the business world. You have employees, yes? RICHARD: Of course. MITCHUM: Say you got a guy working in your office. You brought him in. Nice guy, everybody loves him, but he just doesn't have it. He's a drain on the company. What are you gonna do? RICHARD: My granddaughter was not a drain on your company. MITCHUM: My point is that I wasn't going to put her in a position to become a drain. Now, Richard, really, we should get back out there. RICHARD: What did you say to her? MITCHUM: Richard...! RICHARD: (persistent) what did you say to her, Mitchum? MITCHUM: I did what I do with everyone. I called it like I saw it. I was honest with her. I don't pussyfoot. You know that. RICHARD: You crushed her. MITCHUM: And if she's got what it takes, she'll bounce back. No one's every criticized you, reprimanded you, critiqued you? I find that hard to believe. RICHARD: (staring to raise his voice) This is not about me. MITCHUM: She was in over her head. She lacked maturity. RICHARD: She's not even 21! MITCHUM: Look, just blame me, OK? I felt bad that she had to sit through that disastrous dinner with Shira and Pop, going on about marriage and how she can't become a Huntzberger. I don't care about any of that, so I gave her a shot, and she wasn't up to it. RICHARD: (clearly upset) You crushed that girl! MITCHUM: I did what I do. We should have done this on the phone. (Richard walks out of the room angrily) (CUT to main Hall, continuous. The band is still singing. Richard walks up to Emily upset) EMILY: Richard, there you are. This is one of your favourites, and you're missing it. RICHARD: It's all true, all of it. EMILY: What's true? RICHARD: Everything she told us. Everything! EMILY: ?Everything? who told us? RICHARD: Lorelai. About what Mitchum did to Rory. How he said things to her, crushed her. About Logan's whole family! EMILY: (disbelievingly) That can't be. RICHARD: (frustrated) Mitchum just confirmed everything. He told that girl she wasn't good enough. I ought to punch him! EMILY: Richard, calm down. People will hear. RICHARD: They don't want her marrying into their precious family. They don't think she's good enough. He told her that she didn't have it. And you know she does! I know she does! EMILY: Of course she does. RICHARD: I can't stay in this room with these people. EMILY: Richard, go outside, get some air. RICHARD: We should go home. EMILY: I'll catch up with you. Go outside. RICHARD: (mad) Yeah, yeah. (Richard walks away. Emily turns slowly and menacingly and looks over at Shira's table. She walks over to her) SHIRA: (greets Emily warmly) Emily! EMILY: Hello, Shira. (they kiss hello) I'm here to rescue you. I've got a table for you and Mitchum right in the center. SHIRA: Oh, bless you, Emily. I'm undeserving. EMILY: Nonsense. It was a terrible mistake, and it must be rectified. SHIRA: (referring to the band) Aren't they amazing? EMILY: The whole combo is amazing. Follow me. SHIRA: Me, I love the Beatles. Mitchum took me to see Paul McCartney last year, and I almost died. (Emily chuckles politely as Shira and her party get up. Emily holds Shira by the arm as she directs them to their new table) EMILY: So Richard tells me we have a little problem. SHIRA: Really? With what? EMILY: With the kids. Logan, Rory. I understand you're not exactly thrilled with the match, that you let that be known to Rory at the dinner she had at your house. (they reach the table) SHIRA: Oh, well, I wouldn't say "not thrilled". EMILY: Then what would you say? SHIRA: Oh, Emily, this is a party. EMILY: I'm just curious. SHIRA: This may not be the time and place, Emily. (she sits) EMILY: (to two guests walking by) Hello, you two, drop by our table later. (back to Shira) Let's make it the time and place. SHIRA: Consider the discrepancies, Emily. EMILY: Well, that's what's confusing me. They both come from good families, both have good values. Money doesn't seem to be an issue. We all have money. SHIRA: Frankly, Emily, there's your money, then there's our money. EMILY: Oh? SHIRA: And our family has a lot of responsibilities that come with that. An image to maintain. EMILY: Ah, yes! Well let me tell you this, Shira. We are just as good as you are. You don't think Rory is good enough for your son, as if we don't know Logan's reputation. We do. But he is welcome in our home anytime, and you should extend the same courtesy to Rory. SHIRA: Emily... EMILY: Now let's talk about your money. (she bends over Shira?s chair) You were a two-bit gold digger, fresh off the bus from Hicksville when you met Mitchum at whatever bar you happened to stumble into. And what made Mitchum decide to choose you to marry amongst the pack of women he was bedding at the time, I'll never know. But hats off to you for bagging him. He's still a playboy, you know? Well, of course you know. That would explain why your weight goes up and down 30 pounds every other month. (Shira laughs uncomfortably) But that's your cross to bear. But these are ugly realities. No one needs to talk about them. Those kids are staying together for as long as they like. You won't stop them. Now, enjoy the event. (Emily walls away and Shira looks uncomfortable. Waving at another guest) Diane, hello! (Emily walks over to her table and sits down. The band Stops playing. The guests start to applaud as Rory walks on stage) RORY: The Swing Dolls, everybody. (Richard walks back into the main Hall, as the people applaud) I'm Rory Gilmore, the architect of this event. (everyone starts to applaud again. Emily looks radiant) Thank you. And I'd like to take this moment to thank some others for the outstanding success this evening. To Lacey Boscombe, my right hand, my girl Friday, I could not have done it without you. To Glenda, Lance, the entire serving crew, thank you. To the kind people at KBC Audio who generously donated this amazing...(as Rory delivers her "Thank You" speech Richard looks at her with great sadness) END Of Episode 6.05 - We've Got Magic To Do	Plan: A: Lorelai; Q: Who sends Luke off to the woods? A: Miss Patty's recital; Q: What event does Lorelai attend? A: Luke; Q: Who feels like Lorelai has banished him? A: the woods; Q: Where does Lorelai send Luke to commune with nature? A: Rory's World War II-themed DAR bash; Q: What event is a piperoo? A: Paris; Q: Who joins the proletariat as a server? A: the bash; Q: What goes smash when Richard confronts Mitchum Huntzberger? Summary: Lorelai attends Miss Patty's recital and sends Luke off to the woods to commune with nature, but Luke feels like Lorelai has banished him. Rory's World War II-themed DAR bash is a piperoo (even when suddenly impoverished Paris joins the proletariat as a server). But the bash goes smash when Richard confronts Mitchum Huntzberger.
EXT. WEST VIRGINIA FARM - DAY (SFX: CAR RADIO PLAYS B.G.) (SFX: TRACTOR DRIVES DOWN THE DIRT ROAD/ BRAKES TO A STOP) (MUSIC OUT) (THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY KATE: Most people tend to their personal hygiene at home. TONY: This bothers you? KATE: No, what bothers me is that it doesn't bother me anymore. TONY: I'm an acquired taste. MCGEE: Actually it's more like the Stockholm syndrome. The emotional attachment to a captor formed by a hostage, as a result of continuous stress and a need to cooperate for survival. TONY: Nice shot. GIBBS: Get the truck. TONY: Where we going, Boss? GIBBS: Smoky Corners, West Virginia. A Marine helo was found abandoned. Crew's missing. KATE: Any leads? GIBBS: You tell me... it's sitting in the middle of a crop circle. MCGEE: Abby's going to make us crazy. GIBBS: Come on, let's go! [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. CORNFIELD - DAY (SFX: HELICOPTER PASSES OVERHEAD) TONY: I don't believe it. KATE: They never make it easy. TEAGUE: Lieutenant Colonel Curtis Teague... Squadron C.O., H-M-L-A one sixty seven. GIBBS: Gibbs, NCIS. Colonel, your people have contaminated the scene. TEAGUE: I'm missing two men, Gibbs. I wasn't going to sit on my ass and wait for NCIS to drive out from Washington. GIBBS: Yeah, well we're going to have to take elimination prints from all your people. TEAGUE: (SHOUTS) Stand down, men! Let NCIS do their job. (MARINES SHOUT B.G.) GIBBS: Any damage to the aircraft? TEAGUE: No, the engine checks out. Hydraulic and avionics gear are operative, fuel load's at sixty percent. GIBBS: When was your last contact with the crew? TEAGUE: They took off from New River at twenty-three hundred on a routine night proficiency flight. Were cleared to a practice area over Chesapeake Bay. Flight controller lost the transponder signal ten minutes out. Tried to make radio contact. Never got a response. I was notified a half hour later. GIBBS: How'd you find it? TEAGUE: We were organizing to launch a search and rescue mission when I got a call from the local sheriff. The farmer that owns this field discovered it just after sunrise. GIBBS: DiNozzo! TONY: Yeah, Boss. GIBBS: Sketch and shoot. Kate, the cockpit. Trace evidence, bag and tag. McGee, the field. Lay out a grid. KATE: Got it. TEAGUE: We just started the air search. Hopefully we'll find them. I'm ignoring the fact that my aircraft is in the middle of a crop circle... what about you, Agent Gibbs? What are your thoughts? GIBBS: Do I think your men were abducted by aliens, Colonel? No, I don't. But I'm not going to ignore anything. I need an overhead view of the field. TEAGUE: Already took digital photos. Sergeant Ramos! RAMOS: Sir! TEAGUE: Camera! GIBBS: Who are the missing men? TEAGUE: Pilot is Captain Todd Newell. Co-pilot is Captain Patrick Barnett. Good Marines. But they're young pilots... hot shots. The two are close. They share an apartment off base. GIBBS: I'll need their officer qualification records and NATOPS jackets. (SHOUTS) McGee! MCGEE: Yeah, Boss? GIBBS: Shots of the crop circle. Email them to Abby. MCGEE: Abby? Are you certain you want to do that? You know she's obsessed with the paranormal and... right. I'm on it. GIBBS: I do not want UFO freaks crawling around here, Colonel. Let's keep a lid on this. No releases to the media. TEAGUE: Agreed. (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) (PASSAGE OF TIME) TONY: I should've been an aviator. These things are chick magnets. KATE: I hate helicopters. They're loud, uncomfortable and dangerous. I used to dread getting on Marine One with the President. Euu, Tony! TONY: What? KATE: You are getting way too comfortable around me. Okay, clipping your nails is one thing, but that... that is crossing the line. TONY: Come on. KATE: No, I'm serious. I have had enough of your locker room mentality. I would be upset if someone I was dating... dating took such familiarities. TONY: Well, we work together, so feel free to scratch or adjust anything you like in front of me. (PASSAGE OF TIME) CLAY: I'm always up before the sun. It's only thirty acres, but it's a lot of work. GIBBS: You didn't hear anything last night? CLAY: Nothing. How long do you think it's going to be before they get that thing out of here? I've got work to do. GIBBS: What do you think happened to your field? CLAY: You're asking me? Ask the Air Force. This ain't the first crop circle here. THOMPSON: We had one in nineteen ninety four. The Air Force investigated, but we never did get no answers. There was lights back then, too. GIBBS: Lights? THOMPSON: Lit up the sky last night. CLAY: Woke me up. It wasn't lightning... there was no thunder. Like I told you, I didn't hear anything. Just... I tried to put it out of my mind... until I discovered this. GIBBS: We may have more questions for you, Mister Clay. CLAY: I ain't going nowhere. THOMPSON: Well, I guess I should ask around and see if anybody else seen something. GIBBS: How long you been sheriff? THOMPSON: Couple years now. GIBBS: Your full time job? THOMPSON: I also run the grain and feed store. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Whoa, McGee. You are turning me on! It's very Glastonbury, circa nineteen eighties. I mean, not quite as large or elaborate, but it's a fascinating pictogram.(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) I'm not familiar with Glastonbury. ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) Southern England. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Where most of the crop circles were found. (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Abby they're hoaxes. ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) Yeah, but... (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) They are interesting. MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) Yeah, actually I put them right up there with Tarot cards and telephone psychics. (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) I thought two farmers admitted to creating them. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Well, yeah, but there's been over ten thousand reported all over the world. There's no way those two did them all. (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Abby, nothing paranormal happened here. ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) Yeah, there was no damage... (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) ... to the helicopter, yet the entire crew vanished. MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) You can't.... (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) ....Take crop circles seriously. You're a scientist. There's a logical explanation. ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) Listen to me, McGee. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) I need pictures, and lots of them. And specimens of stalks down to the roots. (V.O./FILTERED) And a core sample of soil at least twelve inches. (INTO PHONE) And make sure you get a control sample from outside the circle. MCGEE: (V.O./FILTERED) Abby... (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) We're looking for two missing Marines. ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) Come on, McGee! (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: (INTO PHONE) Do it for me, please. I'll show you my new tat. (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. CORNFIELD - DAY (SFX: HELICOPTER ROTORS B.G.) TEAGUE: The replacement crew's ready to fly the Cobra back to New River. GIBBS: Go ahead. We've got everything we need. TEAGUE: You're clear to go. TONY: Do we really need all this stuff? MCGEE: I'm only following instructions. Ask Abby. GIBBS: All right. McGee and I will take the truck back. You two check out the pilots' apartment. TONY: Right. I'll try not to be too familiar, Ms. Todd. GIBBS: Hey, get the scent articles for the search dogs. TONY: Okay. MCGEE: What is it, Boss? GIBBS: I was worried about keeping a lid on this thing... where are the gawkers? Do you see any locals other than the farmer who owns this field and the sheriff? TEAGUE: Special Agent Gibbs? The Huey spotted a burnt-out area just north of here. You might want to come with us. (SFX: HELICOPTER TAKES OFF) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. BURNED OUT FIELD - DAY TEAGUE: Do you think this has something to do with my crew? GIBBS: I don't know, but we're going to find out. We've got another scene to process. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NEWELL APARTMENT - NIGHT (SFX: DOOR CREAKS OPEN) (SFX: LIGHT CLICKS ON) TONY: So we're looking for anything that suggests they didn't just leave on a routine flight. (DOOR CLOSES) KATE: Thanks for explaining, Special Agent DiNozzo. TONY: Oh, my god! I don't believe it! Do you know what this is? This is a classic. December ninety two. Pamela's debut. I lost my copy. KATE: Lost it... or wore it out? We need to get scent articles for the dogs. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/KATE MOVES SLOWLY TO THE BEDROOM) (BARNETT GRABS KATE BY THE NECK) (DOOR CREAKS OPEN) BARNETT: What the hell are you doing in my apartment? TONY: NCIS! Let her go! (CUT TO BLACK) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY (DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) GIBBS: (FILTERED) I understand you're not cooperating, Captain Barnett. BARNETT: (FILTERED) I don't know anything. It's Saturday night. I was at my girlfriend's. Got home, just getting out of the shower... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM BARNETT: ... And I heard someone in my apartment. GIBBS: Where is Captain Newell? BARNETT: I don't know. GIBBS: You were scheduled for a proficiency flight at twenty three hundred last night. Did you take it? BARNETT: What's the flight schedule say, Sir? GIBBS: Well, it says right here Newell and you took off from New River. BARNETT: Then we did. GIBBS: Here's how it works, ace. I ask the questions, you give direct answers. (LOUDLY) Did you take the flight? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - NIGHT TONY: I think Gibbs enjoys this more than s*x. KATE: That would explain the three wives. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY GIBBS: Your Cobra was found abandoned a hundred and fifty miles from where it was supposed to be and Newell is missing. (SFX: GIBBS WHISPERS TO BARNETT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OUTER ROOM - DAY KATE: What is Gibbs doing? TONY: T-B-I. KATE: Excuse me? TONY: Truth by intimidation. In five, four, three, two, one. BARNETT: (FILTERED) We were leaving for the base when Todd got a call on his cell. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM BARNETT: He took it into the bedroom. When he came out he was messed up. He said he wasn't feeling well and wanted to call the Squadron Duty Officer in Ops to cancel the hop. GIBBS: Who made the call? BARNETT: I don't know. GIBBS: I don't believe you, Barnett. You live together, you fly together, you fight together. You share everything. BARNETT: I thought we did. Look, I rode his ass to figure out what was going on, but Todd - he got really pissed. He told me to lay low for the rest of the night. He didn't want me getting in trouble. GIBBS: And you let it go at that? BARNETT: Todd said he'd explain when he got back. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY KATE: I believe him. What did Gibbs whisper in his ear?(DOOR OPENS) TONY: If I knew I'd be Gibbs. I'm going to go pull Captain Newell's cell records. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - DAY ABBY: Did you feel any energy when you were inside the circle, McGee? Did you get a tingling sensation or start to vibrate? MCGEE: You're going to start to vibrate if you don't do what Gibbs wants. ABBY: I'm running tests on the molecular structure of plants from within and outside the circle. MCGEE: Okay Abby, Gibbs made it clear... the priority is the cabin fire. ABBY: You know, people try to imitate the real thing, but the notion that all recorded formations were man-made with simple flattening tools does not explain the well-documented plant alterations by electromagnetic effects. MCGEE: I warned you... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS SQUAD ROOM - DAY KATE: Operation Duty Officer at New River said that Captain Newell signed the log. When I pressed, he admitted that he never really saw Captain Barnett. He just assumed that he was on the flight line, pre-flighting. GIBBS: So Newell took off alone? TONY: Can you fly a Cobra by yourself? GIBBS: Oh, yes. TONY: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, I'm still here. GIBBS: Anything unusual in Newell's O-Q-R or his NATOPS jacket? KATE: He's an only child. Grew up in Florida, just outside Orlando. GIBBS: Any connection to West Virginia? KATE: No. His parents died in an auto accident two years ago. His father sold insurance, and mother was an accountant at Disney World. (SFX: PHONE RINGS B.G.) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, Gibbs. Well, you can see Barnett anytime you'd like, Colonel. TONY: Teague? GIBBS: Good C.O. KATE: Newell went through NCROTC at the University of Florida before flight school. His impulsiveness has gotten him in some trouble. A fight cost him a non-punitive letter of caution. TONY: (INTO PHONE) That's great. (TO GIBBS) Last call Captain Newell got on his cell was at twenty one thirty last night. He hasn't made or received a call since. His phone is currently off. GIBBS: Where was the call from? TONY: A pay phone in Smoky Corners, West Virginia. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. STREET - DAY (SFX: CAR BRAKES TO A STOP) KATE: According to the phone company, this thing hardly ever gets used. GIBBS: Well, I guess even people out here have cell phones. KATE: We're being watched. GIBBS: Mm-hmm. I see. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. STORE - DAY (SFX: DIAL TONE) (GIBBS DIALS THE PHONE) RITT: (INTO PHONE) Now you better get over here. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. STORE - DAY GIBBS: Find anything? KATE: It's clean. Too clean. Not even a smudge. GIBBS: Yeah, looks like the only thing out here that has been cleaned recently. Let me have a whack at it. DAPHNE: What's he doing? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. STORE - DAY RITT: Shh! [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. STORE - DAY GIBBS: Kate, get those to Abby for prints. RITT: What are you doing to the phone? GIBBS: Special Agent Gibbs. NCIS. Who are you? RITT: Ritt Everett. This is my store. GIBBS: See anyone using the phone Tuesday night? RITT: Well.....nope. Does this have anything to do about that helicopter and the crop circle? (SFX: DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) GIBBS: Hello, Sheriff. THOMPSON: Special Agent Gibbs. Any luck? GIBBS: Well, Sir, luck doesn't have that much to do with it. THOMPSON: I've been asking around. Lot of folks seen them lights and are complainin' their animals are acting out of sorts. GIBBS: How? THOMPSON: Chickens stopped laying eggs. The cows ain't producing, and stuff like that. GIBBS: Did either of you two see him around? THOMPSON: No. GIBBS: His name's Newell. Captain Todd Newell. RITT: No, I'm sorry. Ain't seen him. THOMPSON: Newell? Ain't nobody by that name in the Corners. I'll keep an eye out for him. RITT: Was he the one flying that helicopter? (SFX: PHONE RINGS) GIBBS: (V.O.) Yeah, Gibbs.(BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Gibbs! I am getting stonewalled here. GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) By whom? ABBY: (INTO PHONE) The Air Force. I requested their file on the nineteen ninety four crop circles in Smoky Corners. You'd thought I asked them... (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) ...For their missile launch codes. GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Okay, I'll make a call, Ab. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) No, you don't understand. They're not going to tell you anything either. This is like Area Fifty-one. It is conspiracy at the highest level. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Abby, stop yourself. How about the cabin fire? (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Gibbs, this is big. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) The fire. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Unfortunately, nothing extra-terrestrial there. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (V.O./FILTERED) Arson. Plain old gasoline was used as an accelerant. I'm still working on the debris. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (INTO PHONE) Science can't be rushed, Gibbs. (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (DAPHNE WALKS FROM THE STORE) KATE: Hi! Are you all right? DAPHNE: Yeah, I'm fine. KATE: Ever seen him around here? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. STORE - DAY THOMPSON: Is your gal gonna be okay? RITT: Don't you worry about her. As long as both sides stick to the story, we'll get through this. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. STORE - DAY DAPHNE: I can't talk right now. But if you come back at noon, my daddy will be at the V-F-W in Potterville. KATE: Okay. (DAPHNE WALKS O.S.) GIBBS: Who's that? KATE: Station owner's daughter. Daphne. I think she wanted to talk...couldn't. Her father's having lunch with his buddies at the V-F-W in Potterville around noon. She'll be alone. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. SEARCH COMMAND CENTER - DAY TEAGUE: The dogs are a no go. The handlers say something screwed up the dogs. Soon as they stepped into the woods, they started acting up. MCGEE: Do not tell Abby. She's going to make something out of it. TONY: We should start checking the back of their necks for little red X's. MCGEE: What are you talking about? TONY: Invaders From Mars. MCGEE: Wait, I take it that's a film? TONY: Original nineteen fifty three version. Not the remake. MCGEE: Everything's a movie to you, Tony. TONY: Aliens landed in a field just like this one. They took over the locals' minds, leaving a little red X on the back of their necks. MCGEE: Sounds lame. TONY: Oh, no! Scariest movie I ever saw. Especially when this kid tries to tell his mom and dad what's going on. The camera slowly comes around... reveals X's on the back of mom and dad's necks. I was scared of my parents for years after that. MCGEE: I'm sure the feeling is mutual. GIBBS: Find anything? TONY: Uh, yeah. Interviewed a half dozen locals. Nobody saw or heard the helicopter. Everyone has the same story. MCGEE: B.O.L.'s. Balls of light. According to Abby they are created by manipulating the atomic particles in the atmosphere. GIBBS: Hmm, and who does the manipulating, McGee? MCGEE: I really don't know, Sir. I'm just relating what Abby told me. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - DAY (SFX: MUSIC PLAYS B.G.) DUCKY: I need you to run a tox screen on this tissue sample. ABBY: Where'd you get it? DUCKY: A body exhumed from Arlington. Oh, you look overwhelmed. ABBY: I am. And this just came in from the field. Gibbs wants me to run prints on it ASAP. DUCKY: It appears to be a dollar sixty-five. Well, this poor soul's been dead for thirty six years, I doubt a few more days will matter. ABBY: Thank you, Ducky. DUCKY: Door handle? ABBY: Yeah. It came from a cabin fire. I found traces of something on it. I can use a second opinion. DUCKY: Oh, I'm flattered. Mammalian cells. Most likely human flesh. ABBY: Someone was trapped in that fire. DUCKY: The missing Marine aviator? ABBY: I need to call Gibbs. Could be his missing aviator is dead. DUCKY: If he died, where are his remains? (CUT TO BLACK) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. WOODS - DAY TONY: We know the fire was arson and started around the same time Newell and his helo disappeared. Abby is pretty certain someone was in the cabin. GIBBS: But we didn't find any remains. Maybe they got out. TONY: Or someone removed the body. GIBBS: Well, until we find remains, I'm not going to connect the dots. It's time to get cadaver dogs up here to aid the search. TONY: Cadaver dogs coming up. GIBBS: This your cabin, Mister Clay? CLAY: No. No. My land stops right over there at the tree line there. GIBBS: Who's it belong to? CLAY: Well, nobody really. It went to the county after Monroe died. TONY: Who was Monroe? CLAY: The farmer from the east side. Tried working this parcel. Didn't have no chance, though. Too hard to clear. TONY: How did Monroe die? CLAY: Hunting....accident. Shack's been abandoned ever since. I ain't sorry it burned, though. Kids were always using the place... causing trouble. (BEAT) Is something wrong? (TO MCGEE) I bet his bark's worse than his bite, huh? MCGEE: Uh... the bite's actually much worse. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. GAS STATION STORE - DAY (SFX: CAR BRAKES TO A STOP) (MUSIC OVER ACTION/KATE WALKS TO THE STORE) KATE: Daphne? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BARN - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/KATE LOOKS AROUND THE BARN) (KATE GASPS) RITT: What you lookin' for? KATE: I need gas. RITT: This way, missy. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. GAS STATION - DAY RITT: That'll be six dollars. That's ten. That's two. Three. Four dollars. Are you sure that's all you want? (SFX: CAR ENGINE STARTS) (KATE DRIVES O.S.) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAPTAIN'S OFFICE - DAY GRANT: So what can State Police do for NCIS? GIBBS: Well, we're investigating a helicopter incident in Smoky Corners. GRANT: Yeah, I heard. You want? GIBBS: Sure. GRANT: Have a seat. GIBBS: Met the Sheriff. GRANT: Old Miller Thompson? GIBBS: Yeah. Yeah, he wasn't much help. GRANT: Hell, he doesn't know jack about law enforcement, but he sure loves wearing that uniform. GIBBS: Do you get to Smoky Corners much? GRANT: Well, not unless they call... and they don't. GIBBS: Mm, no crime? GRANT: Nothing we get involved in. There's a few fights. There's been some kind of feud going on up there. It goes back decades. GIBBS: Hmm. What, like Hatfields and McCoys? GRANT: Yeah, something like that. But I honestly don't think anyone remembers how it started. It split the valley down the middle; east versus west. And I was told by my predecessor to stay clear. The truth is, they take care of their own problems. GIBBS: Have they ever had a murder in Smoky Corners? GRANT: Not that I know of. People just die of natural causes or the occasional farm or hunting accident. GIBBS: Things may have changed. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. CORN FIELD - DAY (SFX: STEADY BEEP TONES B.G.) KATE: What's McGee doing out there? TONY: Scanning the field with a magnetometer. KATE: Let me guess, Abby? TONY: Her every wish is his command. KATE: She promised to show him her new tattoo. Wait 'till he finds out it's on her ankle. TONY: What did "gas station girl" tell you? KATE: She was a no-show. Mm, it looks like he found something. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/MCGEE UNCOVERS A MASK) KATE: You are such a child. (GIBBS BRAKES TO A STOP) TONY: Come on. I'm just taking a sip. KATE: It's yours. TONY: Hey, boss. Abby needs to talk to you. GIBBS: Abs, did you get any sleep? ABBY: (ON MONITOR) I am overworked and not paid enough. GIBBS: Quit. What do you got?(BEGIN CONVERSATION INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) ABBY: Two partial prints on the coins from the phone booth. GIBBS: (V.O./FILTERED) Any match? (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (ON MONITOR) You need to send a thank you to the West Virginia DMV. They got right index prints from two licensed drivers. One was a trucker that delivered gasoline to the station. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: The second was a local. Greg Sikes. (SCENE CUT) TONY: Oh, yeah. GIBBS: Were you able to get any DNA off the doorknob, Abs? (SCENE CUT) ABBY: Nice work on those prints, Abs. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: (ON MONITOR) Thank you. I know you haven't had a break in two days. Oh, that's okay. I don't need much sleep. Anything for the team. GIBBS: I assume you'll let me know if you find something. ABBY: (ON MONITOR) Don't I always? GIBBS: Yeah, Abby. You do. ABBY: (ON MONITOR) Thank you. (SFX: CAR DOORS CLOSE) TEAGUE: Agent Gibbs, the cadaver dogs have found something. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. WOODS - DAY (SFX: DOG BARKS B.G.) GIBBS: Get Ducky. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. TRAILER - DAY (SFX: CAR BRAKES TO A STOP) TONY: Smoky Corners Bachelor Quarters. There's something to be said for living in a trailer. Get tired of the view, you just roll it to a new location. Come on, McGee. What, are you never going to talk to me again? MCGEE: How long am I going to be the butt of your practical jokes, the snide innuendoes and juvenile put-downs? TONY: I will always outrank you, Probie. Come on. (KNOCK ON DOOR) MCGEE: Mister Sikes, NCIS. (SFX: KNOCK ON DOOR CONTINUES) (DOOR OPENS) MCGEE: Oh! TONY: Come on in. (DOOR CLOSES) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TRAILER - DAY TONY: Someone left in a hurry. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/TONY AND MCGEE LOOK THROUGH THE TRAILER) TONY: Huh. No phone. Ah... nice teeth. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - DAY GIBBS: Duck, what can you tell me? DUCKY: Not much. Male, roughly six feet. Test cited on femur and clavicle suggests not that old. GIBBS: Give me a range. DUCKY: Mid twenties to thirties. Oh, this distinctive fracture on the inferior left scapula is consistent with a bullet wound. GIBBS: Cause of death? DUCKY: Well, maybe. I mean, it could be trauma or asphyxiation. I don't know if I'll ever be certain. There's not much to work with, Jethro. ABBY: (ON MONITOR) Gibbs! GIBBS: Yeah? ABBY: (ON MONITOR) I used non-isotopic chemiluminescent method to compare the charred DNA to Newell's. GIBBS: Uh-huh. And? ABBY: (ON MONITOR) And it's not his DNA... but it's damn close. GIBBS: Come on, Abs. We're not playing horseshoes.(BEGIN CONVERSATION INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) ABBY: There's a ninety nine percent probability that the fire victim is Newell's male sibling. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: That can't be. Newell's record of emergency data doesn't list a brother. DUCKY: DNA doesn't lie, Jethro. People do. ABBY: (ON MONITOR) The crispy critter was Captain Newell's brother. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY KATE: His O.Q.R was wrong? TONY: Recruits lie about things all the time. Especially their age. Why lie about having a brother? Is Abby sure? GIBBS: Yeah. She double-checked. Obviously you two didn't. KATE: We just assumed that his family history was right. GIBBS: NCIS agents don't assume anything, Agent Todd. They check and recheck. Verify everything independently. TONY: We are on it! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. LAB - DAY ABBY: There is a definite difference. MCGEE: I don't see it. ABBY: Look at the elongated node. It's undamaged. The plants inside the crop circle were changed in a way that is beyond human ability. I'm rerunning an analysis hoping to find anomalous molecular change to the stalks within the circle. I'm betting they were subjected to very short blasts of high energy heat, possibly microwave generated. MCGEE: Re-running because you came up empty. Look Abby, you're looking for something that isn't there. You've been here for two days straight. You're tired. You've done everything that Gibbs has asked. So go home, get some sleep. ABBY: I can't sleep! What are you doing? MCGEE: You're guilty of confirmation bias. It's not there, Abs. You're ignoring the obvious and you're searching for microscopic proof of something that doesn't exist. ABBY: Maybe I should join the CIA. MCGEE: Look at the big picture. The design of the smaller, outer circles was created by bending the corn stalks down in a clockwise direction. But look under the helicopter. Those plants were forced outward from the center by the downdraft of the blades. The corn was still standing and was forced down by the landing of the Cobra. This crop circle is a hoax, Abby. It's created... it's created around a parked helicopter. ABBY: Why would anyone do that? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY KATE: Orange County clerk faxed us his parents' marriage certificate. Todd Newell was nine years old when his mother remarried. He was legally adopted; that's how he got the Newell name. His mother's maiden name was Stelling, which is common in Smoky Corners. TONY: Her first husband was a guy named Sikes. They had two boys, Greg and Todd. GIBBS: Todd Newell was born in Smoky Corners. KATE: His co-pilot, Captain Barnett, swears that he never mentioned a brother or Smoky Corners. In fact, Barnett couldn't recall Newell ever mentioned anything about his childhood. GIBBS: We need to find his biological father. TONY: Can't. He died several years ago... in a hunting accident. GIBBS: Ah gee, where have I heard that one before? TONY: So we got a dead civilian in Ducky's cooler. Are we going to turn it over to the local authorities? GIBBS: Nope. Not yet. I want to know more first. KATE: Greg Sikes was involved with the girl at the gas station. She was the only one that seemed willing to talk. Maybe I should go back there and try to find her. GIBBS: Go with her. MCGEE: All right, so we're on the same page, right? ABBY: I guess. Let me tell Gibbs. GIBBS: Tell me what? ABBY: The crop circle was a hoax created around the helicopter after it landed. GIBBS: You don't sound convincing, Abs. ABBY: Yeah, well there's still a lot of stuff that can't be explained. GIBBS: Mm-hmm. Like what? ABBY: Balls of light in the sky. The animals acting weird. Like a missing pilot. GIBBS: Everyone's story is exactly the same. It's too rehearsed. It's what they want us to hear. MCGEE: Exactly what I told her. ABBY: What about the search dogs? I heard they were acting all confused and disoriented. GIBBS: Only the first day. The cadaver dogs had no problem finding the body this morning. I know why we haven't been able to find Captain Newell. Thanks, guys. KATE: How do you know? GIBBS: Because I'm a Marine. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS MTAC ROOM - DAY TEAGUE: (ON MONITOR) Newell is alive? GIBBS: Yeah. TEAGUE: (ON MONITOR) Well, whose body did we find? GIBBS: His brother. Captain Newell is still out there. TEAGUE: (ON MONITOR) How do you know that? GIBBS: He received SERE training, Colonel. He's evading us. As part of his training, he was taught a technique to negate enemy dogs. TEAGUE: (ON MONITOR) Yeah, G.S. powder... irritant used in gas mask simulations. I keep a couple of capsules in my survival vest. Dogs get a whiff of that, they're useless for days. GIBBS: He used it on the search dogs. Now he also has pilot's night vision goggles and a survival radio to monitor our search frequencies. Colonel, he's using his Marine Corps training to evade us. (MUSIC OUT) MUSIC IN: INT. CAR - MOVING KATE: Will you stop that? You're driving me crazy! TONY: Sorry. Do I detect a little P-M-S? I didn't think that was 'til next week. Hey, it's a high stress job. You carry a gun. I need to know when you're not at your best. Sikes' trailer is coming up. Daphne wasn't at the gas station. If she's not there, I don't know where else to look. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR NEAR TRAILER - DAY (SFX: CAR BRAKES TO A STOP) KATE: That's Daphne's truck. TONY: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/CAR ACCELERATES TO DAPHNE'S TRUCK) TONY: Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! (DAPHNE STRUGGLES B.G.) KATE: Daphne, why are you running?! I thought you wanted to talk to us! Daphne! Daphne, talk to us! What happened?! What happened!? Are you looking for Greg? TONY: We know he's your boyfriend. That's why we're here looking for you, okay? DAPHNE: Where is he? KATE: Daphne, are you pregnant? DAPHNE: Five months. Greg's hiding from my daddy. Do you know where he is? (BEAT) Greg's dead, isn't he? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR - NIGHT (SFX: SEMI TRUCK HONKS B.G.) GIBBS: Whatever Newell's brother said to him on the phone got him upset enough to risk his entire career with an unauthorized flight in the Cobra. MCGEE: Boss, are you sure you don't want me to drive for a while? GIBBS: But why land in the farmer's field? MCGEE: Uh... well... (SFX: CAR HONKS B.G.) GIBBS: My guess, McGee, it was the closest clearing to the cabin where his brother was hiding. Only Newell was too late. (SFX: CARS HONK B.G.) MCGEE: What? GIBBS: Focus on the case, McGee. MCGEE: Sorry, uh... yes, Sir. GIBBS: Why the crop circle? MCGEE: Well, I have a theory on that. (SFX: CARS HONK B.G.) GIBBS: You care to share? MCGEE: Yeah, uh... okay. GIBBS: Spit it out, McGee. MCGEE: Okay, uh... whoever killed Greg Sikes thought that they could cover it up as another farm or hunting accident. But they couldn't cover up an attack helicopter abandoned in a corn field. GIBBS: Conspiracy. Makes sense. It would take a lot of people to form that pattern in a few hours. MCGEE: They knew that there would be an outside investigation, so they created the circle hoping that we'd do exactly what the Air Force did ten years ago....back off and cover up what couldn't be explained. (SFX: TIRES SCREECH/CAR HORNS HONK) GIBBS: Not bad, McGee. Not bad. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. SIKES TRAILER - NIGHT (SFX: CAR BRAKES TO A STOP) GIBBS: Where is she? TONY: Inside. She seemed to relate better to Kate.(DOOR OPENS) (MCGEE GASPS B.G.) TONY: Enjoy the ride, McGee? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TRAILER - NIGHT KATE: Daphne's father threatened to kill Greg because she's pregnant.... GIBBS: (OVERLAP) Pregnant. DAPHNE: Greg and me are from different corners in the valley. God, I hate this rotten place. This stupid feud... GIBBS: When was the last time you saw him? DAPHNE: At the gas station... using the pay phone to call his brother for help. GIBBS: Was Greg close to his brother? DAPHNE: He ain't seen him since they was kids. About a year ago he got a call telling him their mother died. It reunited them. They're the only family either of them had left. KATE: Daphne's afraid Captain Newell's been drawn back into the feud. DAPHNE: He's gonna kill my daddy to get revenge. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. TRAILER - NIGHT (DOOR OPENS) GIBBS: Kate, you and McGee get Daphne out of here. TONY: What's up, Boss?(TELEPHONE BEEP TONES) (BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) TEAGUE: (INTO PHONE) Colonel Teague. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Call off the search. Pull your men out. TEAGUE: (V.O./FILTERED) Why? (SCENE CUT) TEAGUE: (INTO PHONE) You said Newell was still out there. (SCENE CUT) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) He is. He wants revenge... but he's not going to make his move until he thinks we're gone. (SFX: TELEPHONE BEEP TONE) (END PHONE INTERCUTS) [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. GAS STATION - DAY THOMPSON: They're leaving. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. GAS STATION STORE - DAY (DOOR OPENS) THOMPSON: Ritt, we pulled it off. The Marines have backed off. This thing's going away. Nobody's told outsiders nothing. RITT: My problem is Greg Sikes' brother. I gotta get him before he gets me. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. WOODS - DAY PILOT: (V.O.) This is White Hawk Three Four terminating search, returning to base. BASE: (V.O.) Three Four out. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. GAS STATION STORE - DAY THOMPSON: Ritt, think twice about what you're fixing to do. (SFX: CAR BRAKES TO A STOP) THOMPSON: They ain't got nothing, Ritt. Just stick to the story. (DOOR OPENS) RITT: What's going on? Looks like you're all pulling out. GIBBS: The Marines are, we aren't. Do you get a kick out of smacking your daughter around? RITT: Why don't you just get out of here. GIBBS: DiNozzo, read him his rights. RITT: What are you talking about? GIBBS: The murder of Greg Sikes. RITT: Greg Sikes is dead? I thought he went hunting. GIBBS: We found his remains. TONY: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. RITT: Aren't you out of your jurisdiction? You're the law here, Miller. THOMPSON: Yeah, I am. GIBBS: Ah, don't get excited, Sheriff. The West Virginia State Police are on their way, but I do have the authority to detain both of you until they arrive. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. GAS STATION - NIGHT (MUSIC OVER ACTION/NEWELL MOVES QUICKLY THROUGH THE NIGHT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BARN - NIGHT TONY: (WHISPERS) Gibbs, I have a bogey. (V.O.) In the trees. (SCENE CUT) TONY: (V.O.) Closing in from the northwest. GIBBS: Everybody copy? (SCENE CUT) MCGEE: Yeah, boss. (SCENE CUT) KATE: Got it. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BARN - NIGHT TONY: (WHISPERS) He slipped behind the old cars. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. GAS STATION - NIGHT GIBBS: (WHISPERS) Let him get closer. TONY: (V.O.) Roger that. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. BARN - NIGHT (MUSIC OVER ACTION/NEWELL CONTINUES MOVING) TONY: Oh, man. (INTO PHONE) He made me. GIBBS: (SHOUTS) Hit the lights! (SFX: NEWELL GASPS IN PAIN) GIBBS: (SHOUTS) NCIS! Lower your weapon, Captain Newell! It's over. NEWELL: It's not over until Ritt Everett's dead. GIBBS: He's in the custody of the State Police. NEWELL: That's not going to change anything. It's an eye for an eye here. Always has been. GIBBS: Is that why your mother took you away? Put down your weapon. NEWELL: Why? I'm never going to fly again. GIBBS: Well, your career is probably over, but you haven't hurt anybody yet. Keep it that way and I'll do everything I can to help you. There is a young girl carrying your brother's baby. And they could sure use your help. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY NEWELL: Once we left, it was like Smoky Corners never existed. My mother erased it from our lives. I always felt guilty she had to leave Greg behind, but my father wouldn't let her have both of us. GIBBS: Why did you take the Cobra? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY NEWELL: It's fierce. Intimidating. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY NEWELL: I hoped it would scare the crap out of those hicks and save Greg's life. But I was too late. The cabin was in flames. Greg trapped inside. Everett and the others started shooting at me and I got hit. They had hunting rifles. All I had was my pistol. I was cut off from the helo and couldn't get back to the base. I knew my Marine Corps career was over. All that was left for me was revenge. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY MCGEE: Wow, those are really pretty, Kate. Who are they from? KATE: Tony. TONY: We had a tough couple of days. Kate pointed out that I'd taken one too many liberties. The flowers are a mea culpa. KATE: Tony, I'm blown away. They're gorgeous... and they're from Martha's Garden, my favorite florist! How did you know? TONY: Lucky guess. GIBBS: He went through your purse and got the phone number off your PDA. (ENDING CREDITS CONTINUE AND OUT)	Plan: A: A marine attack helicopter; Q: What is discovered in the middle of a crop circle? A: Smokey Corners; Q: What is the name of the rural community where the helicopter was found? A: West Virginia; Q: Where is Smokey Corners? A: The team; Q: Who uncovers a feud that has deeply divided the town? A: a decade-long feud; Q: What has deeply divided the town of Smokey Corners? A: great lengths; Q: How far are some locals going to hide secrets that could help solve the case? A: the missing pilot; Q: Who may have some "unfinished business" to take care of? A: days; Q: How long does it take to track down the missing pilot? A: Gibbs; Q: Who realizes that they must change tactics? A: Time; Q: What is running out as the team must find the missing pilot quickly before tragedy strikes? Summary: A marine attack helicopter is discovered in the middle of a crop circle on the outskirts of the rural community of Smokey Corners, West Virginia . The team uncovers a decade-long feud that has deeply divided the town as some of the locals are going to great lengths to hide secrets that could help solve the case and that the missing pilot may have some "unfinished business" to take care of. After days of tracking the pilot down to no avail, Gibbs realizes that they must change tactics. Time is running out as the team must find the missing pilot quickly before tragedy strikes.
King's Palace battlements (day) Arthur and Uther watch from the battlements as kings arrive with their entourages. Arthur: Father, we're not going into battle, you don't have to look so sombre. Uther: Never before have the rulers of the five kingdoms come together in this way. Never before have we all worked towards the same aim, towards peace. If these talks are successful, Camelot will enter a new era of prosperity. If they fail, we will almost certainly be at war. [SCENE_BREAK] King's Palace main square (day) Alined drops his cloak on the ground as he dismounts in the Square. King Alined: Boy! Is it too much to ask that you might anticipate my needs?! Trickler: No, Master. I was just... King Alined: Stop whinging. Trickler: Sorry, Master. Uther: Alined, you are most welcome on this momentous occasion. They grasp arms. King Alined: Momentous? Let us hope so. [SCENE_BREAK] Alined's chambers Alined watching Olaf's party arrive in the Square from his guest quarters. King Alined: Uther may think that we are gathered here for peace, but that is far from my mind. Trickler: Am I to take it that Lady Vivian is part of our plan? She is very lovely. King Alined: Don't let her father hear you say that. Not if you value your head. Trickler: Oh, indeed, I do. It is my prettiest feature. King Alined: Olaf is the most overprotective buffoon I've ever met. It would surely end the peace talks if anyone were to lay a finger on her. Trickler: But nobody in their right mind would...do that. King Alined: But Arthur won't be in his right mind, will he? [SCENE_BREAK] King's Palace, main square (day) Olaf approaches Uther. King Olaf: What kind of welcome is this? You have us hanging around like the last swallows of summer. Uther: You are welcome, indeed, Olaf. King Olaf: May I present my daughter, the Lady Vivian. Uther: Lady Vivian. How like your mother you are. [SCENE_BREAK] Vivian's chambers (day) Arthur escorts Vivian to her guest chambers. Arthur: I hope everything is to your satisfaction. Lady Vivian: It is...adequate. Arthur: Most of our guests are extremely happy here. I'm sure you will be, too. Lady Vivian: Hm. I am not most of your guests. Arthur: In...deed. Gwen enters. Arthur: Well, er, may I present Guinevere. She'll be looking after you for the duration of your stay. You'll want for nothing. She is truly one of Camelot's finest. Lady Vivian: (giggle) Then I fear for Camelot. [SCENE_BREAK] Outside Vivian's chambers (day) Arthur and Gwen pause as they exit and close the door behind them. They look at each other and laugh. Arthur: Good luck with that one. Gwen: Mmm. Arthur stares at her for a bit before she notices. Arthur remembers himself and starts to leave. Arthur: I need to prepare for the feast. [SCENE_BREAK] Arthur's chambers (night) Merlin's brushes down Arthur's jacket while Arthur dresses behind a screen. Arthur: Merlin, what kind of impression do you think this gives? Arthur wiggles his thumb through a hole in his sleeve. Merlin: That we have moths? Arthur: Fetch me another. Merlin: And who might you be trying to impress, Sire? Arthur: Well, let me see. Perhaps the five kings sitting in the banquet hall below. Merlin: Oh. Not the King's daughter, then? The Lady Vivian, she is very beautiful. Arthur: Anyone trying to impress the Lady Vivian does so at extreme peril. Olaf'd have their head in a vat of hot oil before they'd have a chance to say hello. Besides, she's not my type. She may be beautiful, but she's incredibly rude. You should've heard what she said to Gwen. Merlin: Anyone insulting Gwen should do so at extreme peril. Arthur: What? Merlin: Nothing. I just know how you feel about her, that's all. That is, if your feelings haven't changed, as I presume they haven't. Arthur: I do have my own vat of hot oil, you know. Merlin: (laughs) You're blushing! Arthur: No I'm not. Merlin: What's wrong with Gwen? Arthur: Nothing. Merlin: I think she's very worthy of your love. Arthur: Indeed, were it so. Merlin: Which...it is. Arthur: Merlin. Merlin: Yes, Arthur? Arthur: Get out. Merlin: Yes, Sire. Merlin smiles and leaves. [SCENE_BREAK] King's Palace, Banquet Hall (night) Trickler breathes fire. Trickler: But it is not enough to please just the gentlemen of the court. Now I have a spectacle for the ladies. Trickler produces butterflies out of nowhere. Uther: It is skill, indeed. King Alined: We aim to please. Trickler: (gasp )But what is this? Lady Vivian. Trickler puts his hand by her ear and pulls it back to reveal a butterfly on his hand. Trickler: It has mistaken you for a beautiful flower. Trickler looks down at his hand, revealing that he's taken a lock of her hair. [SCENE_BREAK] Alined's chambers (day) Trickler creates a potion with Vivian's hair. Trickler: ... læfe he híe þonne he áwæcaþ. Biþ his hyht þæt he her seón mote ána oftíe þonne ealle mán. King Alined: Sleep well, Prince Arthur. When you wake, may your thoughts be only of Vivian. Trickler sneaks into Arthur's Chambers and pours eye drops on him while he sleeps. Trickler: Héo hæfþ þín heorte. Trickler places Vivian's lock of hair under Arthur's pillow. Trickler: Sweet dreams. [SCENE_BREAK] Arthur's chambers (day) Arthur stares out his window at Lady Vivian scolding a servant in the Square. Merlin: Good morning, Sire! Arthur: Never have you been more right, Merlin. It is the sunniest, the most fragrant, the most beautiful morning I've ever seen in my life. Merlin: You're dressed. Arthur: I am the future King of Camelot, I do have some skills, you know. Merlin: Indeed, you are very skilled at getting people to do things for you. Arthur: That is your job. But today my job is to woo. Merlin: To what? Arthur: To woo. I wish to make a proclamation of love. Merlin: Really? I thought you wanted to keep your feelings secret? Arthur: Why would I want to do that? By the end of today I will have won my lady. Merlin: Right. Well, what will you tell your father? Arthur: What does my father matter? Merlin: Well, that's one way of approaching things. Arthur: So, I need your help in expressing my feelings. Merlin: Of course. Arthur waits for Merlin to say something. Merlin waits uncertainly for Arthur to explain. Arthur: How to express my feelings. Merlin: Oh, I see. Erm. Feelings. Arthur: Feelings. Merlin: Girls. Arthur: Girls. Merlin: Flowers? Arthur: Excellent. Find some. Perhaps you should also send a note. Merlin: Brilliant idea. Arthur: Something moving. Something from the heart. Something...you'll think of something. [SCENE_BREAK] Gwen's house (day) Merlin approaches Gwen's door with flowers and knocks before going in. Merlin: Gwen? Gwen? Gwen isn't home, so Merlin places flowers on the table and remembers to pull out the note. Merlin: "The barriers that keep us apart are nothing compared to the power of true love. - Arthur" Merlin mulls over his own brilliance before placing the note carefully next to the flowers. [SCENE_BREAK] King's Palace, Council Chamber of Doom The kings gather for peace talks. Uther: Your demands are noted and will be taken into consideration in due course. In the meantime, is there anyone else who has any other comments about the northern territories? Merlin enters and gets Arthur's attention. King Olaf: Well, may I just point out that... [SCENE_BREAK] King's Palace courtyard corridor (day) Arthur talks with Merlin. Arthur: Did you do it? Merlin: I left them in her room. I thought that was better than a public display. Arthur: You're sure she got them? Merlin: I'm sure she will get them. Arthur: Good. All we can do now is wait. Arthur sees Gwen and Vivian walking down the other end of the corridor. Arthur: Oh, but heaven has blessed me. She's even more beautiful than before, don't you agree? Merlin: Yeah. Erm...I'm surprised to hear you talk so openly. Arthur: Nonsense. I want to tell the world. I want to shout it across the kingdom. Merlin: Are you sure that's a good idea? I understand your feelings, but other people may object. Arthur: Object? To what? Merlin: Well, you're the future King of Camelot and she's just a lowly serving girl. Albeit, a very nice serving girl... Arthur slaps Merlin. Merlin: Ah! Arthur: Lady Vivian's of royal blood, a future queen. I will have your head if I hear such insolence again. Arthur storms off. Merlin: Lady Vivian... Oh, no! [SCENE_BREAK] Gwen's house (day) Merlin bursts in. Gwen quickly covers up the note she's reading, the flowers are in a vase. Gwen: Merlin, can't you knock? Merlin: Rats. Gwen: What? Merlin: Big. Hairy. Sharp teeth. Er...yeah, definitely under here. Merlin ducks under the table. Gwen peeks under the table. Gwen: Are you feeling alright? Merlin: Me? Never better. You? Gwen: I'm having a very surprising day. Merlin: Really? Gwen: You know one of those occasions when you've lost all hope and then, out of the blue, something happens to restore your faith? Merlin: Sort of. Gwen: Well, that's what's happened to me today. [SCENE_BREAK] Physician's chambers (night) Merlin: I may have caused a problem. Although it wasn't entirely my doing. Gaius: What now, Merlin? Merlin: Arthur's in love. Gaius: And how did you cause that? Merlin: That bit isn't my fault, the other bit is. Oh, I can't tell you about that bit. Gaius: Clear as mud. Merlin: Arthur's completely besotted, he can't concentrate on anything. All he thinks about, all he talks about is...is the Lady Vivian. Gaius: The Lady Vivian? How could that have happened so suddenly? Merlin: I don't know. Something doesn't feel right. Only yesterday he dismissed her as rude. Gaius: If Arthur professes his love for Vivian, Olaf will be furious. Surely, Arthur knows that? Merlin sighs and nods. Merlin: See, he said it was his job to woo his lady by the end of the day. Gaius: And it's your job to stop him. [SCENE_BREAK] Vivian's chambers (night) Arthur stands outside with a platter and a rose. He takes a breath before knocking. Lady Vivian: Who is it? Arthur: It is destiny, my love! Destiny and chicken! Vivian opens the door. Arthur: What a beautiful combination, eh? Vivian closes the door in his face and begins to walk away. Arthur opens the door. Arthur: The beans are a little cold, but the meat is very good. Lady Vivian: Go away. Arthur: My love, I do not know what I've done to offend you. Lady Vivian: Your love?! Not now, nor ever! Arthur: Come now. Lady Vivian: My father will kill you if he finds you here. Arthur: Your father does not worry me. Lady Vivian: You won't be saying that when he's running at you with a knife in his hand. I've seen it before. Arthur: Really? Lady Vivian: Yes. She shuts the doors again. Arthur: Just five minutes! knocks Merlin: My Lord, I don't think your advances are welcome. Lady Vivian: (muffled) Go away! And take your chicken with you! Arthur: Don't know what gives you that impression. Arthur shoves the tray at Merlin. Trickler sees them leave. [SCENE_BREAK] Alined's chambers (night) Alined pounds the table with his fists. King Alined: Diet?! Every woman in the land is attracted to this boy! I'm almost attracted to him myself. Trickler giggles, but stops when he sees Alined's expression. Trickler: Oh. Not Lady Vivian, My Lord. King Alined: We have until the end of tomorrow to scupper these talks. I need war. Do you understand? Trickler: Oh, oh, yes, I do. I do. King Alined: Peace will make me poor, and you know what happens to poor kings. They can't afford castles, or knights, or jesters. Trickler: Oh, but Master... King Alined: Enough. There will be time for snivelling when the axe is over your head. Now there is work to be done. Trickler: Yes. Yes. [SCENE_BREAK] Arthur's chambers (night) Arthur sulks in bed. Arthur: Go on, Merlin. Say it. Merlin: What? Arthur: You do not think I should pursue my love. Merlin: Well, seeing as you asked, I think a number of things stand in the way of a happy union between you and the Lady Vivian. Her bloodthirsty father, for one. Arthur: Her complete lack of interest for another. Merlin: Might it be worthwhile returning to your old love? Although, I have my reservations about that as well. Arthur: What are you talking about, Merlin? I don't have an old love. Arthur finds Vivian's hair under his pillow. Arthur: What on earth? You really need to start paying attention to the details. [SCENE_BREAK] Physician's chambers (night) Gaius inspects the lock of hair. Merlin: I knew something wasn't right. Gaius: Arthur's enchanted. Merlin: I should have realised he had magic. No one can make butterflies appear from thin air. Gaius: Trickler? Merlin: Why would he want Arthur to fall in love with Vivian? Gaius: An advance by Arthur would be a sure-fire way to ruin the peace conference. Maybe Alined wants war. Merlin: Without creating it himself. Gaius: It's the sort of cowardly behaviour you would expect from him. Cowardly, but clever. Merlin: We need to find a way of turning Arthur back to normal. Gaius: Before it's too late. [SCENE_BREAK] Arthur's chambers (night) Trickler takes a scissors to Arthur's hair. Arthur turns in his sleep, cradling Trickler's arm. Arthur: Mmm. Lady Vivian, my love. Trickler mouths "my love, Vivian" and rolls his eyes while extracting his arm. Trickler places lock of Arthur's under Vivian's pillow and pours a drop of potion into her eye. [SCENE_BREAK] Physician's chambers (day) Merlin sleeps on a pile of books. Gaius: Breakfast. Merlin: There are over 636 love spells in these books, and over 150 of them involve a lock of hair. Gaius: Is there no way we can narrow them down a bit? Merlin: I have. Look. If I choose this one and it's wrong, Arthur will end up as a toad. And if this one's wrong, Vivian will lose all her hair. Gaius: Olaf might not declare war for that, but she certainly would. [SCENE_BREAK] King's Palace corridor (day) Trickler watches Gwen walking down the corridor with a breakfast tray. Trickler: Flíeh hrǽgl. The rug pulls out from under Gwen. She trips and squeals as the tray goes flying. Trickler: Oops. [SCENE_BREAK] Vivian's chambers (day) Vivian opens her door and Trickler presents her with a food platter. Trickler: Gwen has been detained. I thought you might appreciate breakfast. Lady Vivian: Oh, thank you. How kind. I'm so happy this morning, I could almost forget to eat. Oh, well that looks wonderful. Really wonderful. Trickler: Pray, My Lady. What has caused such happiness? Lady Vivian: I cannot tell, so do not ask. Trickler: Intriguing. You know, another meaning of jester is "keeper of secrets." Lady Vivian: Really? Trickler: No. (giggle) Lady Vivian: (giggle) Oh, Trickler, you mustn't tell. Not a soul. Especially not my father. Trickler: Go on. Lady Vivian: I am in love! (giggle) Trickler: (gasp) How wonderful! With me? Vivian giggles for a moment, then grimaces at the thought. Lady Vivian: Ugh. With a man more courageous than a lion, stronger than an ox, and so perfectly formed it is as if he has been sculpted by the gods themselves. Trickler: But it must be me. Lady Vivian: Oh, just to speak his name brings me pleasure, indeed! giggle Trickler: Then speak it you should. Lady Vivian: Arthur. (giggle) There, I've said it! My heart belongs to Arthur! Trickler: Excellent. Lady Vivian: (giggle)In fact, I'm gonna tell him now. Trickler: Oh, a brilliant idea! Lady Vivian: Where is Gwen? I must dress. Trickler: But you look so beautiful, My Lady. He turns her towards the mirror. Trickler: How could he refuse you like this? Lady Vivian: In my nightgown? Trickler: Why not? Vivian turns and puffs out her chest. Lady Vivian: Hm. [SCENE_BREAK] Kings Palace, main square (day) Gwen walks past Arthur. He pets his horse absentmindedly while he mopes. Gwen: What is it, Arthur? You look like you have something on your mind. Arthur: (sigh) You read me like a book. I've made a fool of myself, that's all. That's everything. Gwen: I'm that is not true. Arthur: You have a good heart, Guinevere, but I'm afraid it is. I have made a gesture, but it was not well received. Gwen: You sure? Arthur: Pretty sure. Gwen: Then you are wrong. Arthur: You are very close to the lady in question. Gwen lets out a puff of laughter. Gwen: Your token was much appreciated. But the situation is delicate, and it is not always easy to express what is really in one's heart. Arthur: You think there's hope? Gwen: There is always hope. Arthur: If only I had some way of knowing. Gwen: Indeed, My Lord. [SCENE_BREAK] Arthur's chambers (day) Someone knocks on Arthur's door. Merlin answers. Lady Vivian: I wish to see Arthur. Your master. My Lord. Merlin: Your what? Lady Vivian: My heart's delight. Merlin: Oh, no. Lady Vivian: Where is he? Merlin: He's not here, which is a very good thing, I believe! Lady Vivian: Then I shall wait. Merlin: I don't think that's a good idea. You...You're not even dressed. Lady Vivian: My love does not care what I wear, only that I am near. Now fetch him. Merlin: I cannot. Lady Vivian: You will. Merlin: Shan't. Lady Vivian: As he commands you, I command you! Merlin: I am asking you to leave. Lady Vivian: I want my love. I need my love. I want to see him now. Vivian climbs onto Arthur's bed, smells his pillow, and buries her face in his sheets. [SCENE_BREAK] King's Palace, Council Chamber of Doom Uther: Moving on to our final point for discussion... Trickler whispers to a servant by the door, who goes to Olaf. Uther: The boundaries of the eastern territories. King Olaf: This is a point that I am willing to concede. Uther: Well, that is very good news. Servant: (whisper) Excuse me, Sire. King Olaf: (to Uther) One moment. Servant: I heard your daughter is... King Olaf: WHAT! [SCENE_BREAK] Arthur's chambers Lady Vivian arranges herself on Arthur's bed. King Olaf: (distant) Where is he?! Merlin: What's that? Merlin peeks out into the corridor and sees Arthur coming. Merlin: Oh, no. Merlin looks the other way and sees Olaf coming. Merlin: Oh, no! Merlin ducks back inside and runs to Vivian. Merlin: OK, you need to go! Lady Vivian: You cannot keep us apart. It's written in the stars. Vivian and Arthur. A love for all time. A love stronger than time. A love... Merlin: Stop! Swefe nu! Vivian is knocked out. Arthur enters just as Merlin closes the wardrobe. Arthur: Why are you hanging around with a bad smell? It's me who needs to bathe. I'm not going to win my love stinking like an old kipper. Merlin: No, My Lord. King Olaf: Where is he?! I know she's in here, Arthur! Hand her over! Or feel my wrath! Arthur: What's he talking about? Trickler: She wasn't even dressed. Arthur: If I have dishonoured you in some way, then, by all means, provide me with proof and I'll face the consequences. King Olaf: Trickler here has told me that the Lady Vivian is in your chambers. Arthur: If only that were true. Olaf grabs the front of Arthur's shirt with both hands. Merlin: If only that were true you would not look so foolish. Olaf lets him go. King Olaf: Search the room! You better hope I don't find her. Merlin: Behæpse fæst. The wardrobe door locks. Trickler goes to it and tries to open it. Merlin: That hasn't opened in years. Olaf grabs Trickler. King Olaf: You buffoon! You made an idiot out of me! Olaf shoves Trickler who scurries out of the room. Olaf turns to Arthur. King Olaf: I am, er, so terribly sorry, Arthur, to have disturbed you. I...I do hope that you will forgive me. Arthur waves at the apology. King Olaf: Check on the Lady Vivian! And remain outside her room! Olaf and guards exit. Arthur: If only the Lady Vivian were in my room. How delightful that would be. Eh, Merlin? Merlin? Merlin? [SCENE_BREAK] Vivian's chambers Merlin flops Vivian onto her own guest bed. [SCENE_BREAK] Alined's chambers Trickler reports to Alined. Trickler: It's that meddlesome Merlin. He's onto us, My Lord. There was nothing I could do. You-you-you do understand, Master? Say you forgive your boy. King Alined: You have a matter of hours before the peace treaty is signed. Trickler: Th--th--that is time enough, Master. Time enough. King Alined: It's less time than you've had already, and you haven't managed it so far. Trickler: But the enchantment is strong, My Lord. Sooner or later, the two will be drawn together. Alined grabs Trickler's face. King Alined: For the sake of your prettiest feature, you had better believe that to be the case. [SCENE_BREAK] King's Palace, corridor Gwen slips a note under Arthur's door and leaves with a smile. [SCENE_BREAK] King's Palace, Council Chamber of Doom Applause and laughter. Uther: This is, indeed, a momentous day for the five kingdoms. This peace treaty's been long in the making, but I know you must all be keen to return to your families, so we will make preparation for the signing ceremony immediately. I am pleased, friends. Very pleased. King Alined: As are we all. [SCENE_BREAK] Physician's chambers Merlin snaps a book shut. Merlin: That's it! I've got it! Gaius: Are you sure? You're not going to turn Arthur into a hunchback camel or a horny-eyed toad? Merlin: I'll, er, save that for another day. [SCENE_BREAK] Arthur's chambers (night) Arthur opens Gwen's note in his chambers. Arthur: "A second chance. Sunset. I'll await your presence." [SCENE_BREAK] Gwen's house (night) Gwen prepares for Arthur's visit. [SCENE_BREAK] King's palace Arthur walks down the Red Ribbon Corridor with a rose, sees guards, hides the rose, and looks for another way to sneak into Vivian's chambers. Ends up scaling the wall in the Square and falling in through the window with the mangled red rose in his mouth. Arthur: (sigh) At last. [SCENE_BREAK] Arthur's chambers Merlin searches the palace. He pokes his head in Arthur chambers. Merlin: Arthur? Arthur! [SCENE_BREAK] Gwen's house (night) Gwen waits for Arthur. [SCENE_BREAK] King's Palace, banquet hall (night) The kings and court wait for Arthur at the treaty signing in the Hall of Ceremonies. Knight: (to Uther) I cannot find Arthur. King Alined: Is there a problem Uther? Uther: No, not at all. Arthur's just running a little late, that's all. King Alined: As is the Lady Vivian. [SCENE_BREAK] Vivian's chambers Arthur sits next to Vivian as she wakes. Lady Vivian: My love! Arthur: Always. Forever. They launch at each other, kissing furiously. Merlin runs in. Merlin: Abuge áglǽccræft. Nothing happens. Merlin: Abuge áglǽccræft. Nothing happens. Olaf storms in followed by Alined, Uther, and Trickler. King Olaf: I knew it! Merlin: I don't believe it. Lady Vivian: Father! We've got something to tell you. Uther: Arthur! Olaf throws his glove at the foot of the bed. Lady Vivian: Father! King Olaf:You once said that if you ever truly offended my honour, then you would happily pay the price. What say you now, Prince Arthur? Arthur: How have I offended your honour? Surely not with my love alone?! King Olaf: Love?! You don't know the first thing about love! You're taking advantage of an innocent girl! Lady Vivian: Father. Uther: Arthur! Arthur: I assure you, my feelings for your daughter are as real as they are strong. King Olaf: Unhand her, or suffer the consequences. Is this really worth risking your life for? Lady Vivian: Arthur? Arthur: Indeed, it is. I would rather die than deny my feelings. I love your daughter with all my heart. Arthur kisses Vivian and picks up the glove. [SCENE_BREAK] Gwen's house (night) Gwen sadly blows out the last candle, removing her shawl. [SCENE_BREAK] Arthur's chambers (day) Uther: It's no good. I've spoken to Olaf, he will not rescind the challenge. He says his honour has been tainted. He demands recompense. Arthur: You didn't have to do that, Father. Uther: The fight is to the death. What did you think you were doing? Arthur: You cannot help who you fall in love with. Uther: You do realise that your actions threaten the peace talks, and that it may yet bring war to Camelot? Arthur: I am happy to fight for what I believe in. Uther turns to Merlin. Uther: What's happened to him? Arthur: Lady Vivian. Nothing more. And yet, who could wish for more? Uther throws up his hands and leaves. [SCENE_BREAK] Physician's chambers (day) Merlin: I don't understand it. Trickler's magic is strong, but surely it can't be stronger than mine? Gaius: These love potions are strange things. Merlin: We need to go to Uther. Gaius: No. Merlin: It's a fight to the death! Gaius: If Uther realises that one of the kings is using magic, there will certainly be a war. The only way out of this situation is to unenchant Arthur. And unenchant him fast. [SCENE_BREAK] Morgana:'s chambers (day) Morgana watches the lower town from her window as people make their way to the tournament grounds. Gwen enters to collect the laundry. Gwen: Anything interesting? Morgana: Haven't you heard? Arthur was discovered in Lady Vivian's chambers. Gwen: What? Morgana: King Olaf has demanded recompense. They are to fight to the death. All for the love of a woman. And Lady Vivian at that. You look more shocked than I did. Gwen: It is very surprising. Morgana: Well, I don't know why he couldn't control his feelings. Gwen: Indeed. I will miss the tourney, if you don't mind. There's so much to organise here. Morgana: But of course. [SCENE_BREAK] King's Palace corridor (day) Gwen passes Arthur and Merlin in the corridor. Arthur: Ah, Guinevere! You will wish me luck? Gwen: Will I? Arthur: Haven't you heard? Gwen: Oh, yes. I've heard. Though sadly not from your lips. I wish you could've been more honest with me, Arthur. Arthur: What is she talking about? Merlin: No idea. [SCENE_BREAK] King's Palace, Alined's guest chambers (day) Trickler brings King Alined his crown. Trickler: You are pleased, My Lord? Do I get to keep my fingers? King Alined: Trickler, I shall cast your fingers in gold. I could not have wished for more. Trickler: I told you I would not fail you, My Lord. King Alined: If Olaf kills Arthur, then Uther will start a war. If Arthur kills Olaf, then his men will start a war. (laughs) We cannot lose! [SCENE_BREAK] Tournament grounds (day) Uther: King Olaf has demanded recompense. And by the ancient laws of Camelot, the matter will be settled by a tourney with three stages. The weapons chosen are quarterstaff, mace, and sword. The fight will be by the Knights' Rules, and to the death. Are we all clear? Arthur starts out doing well, but stops to gaze at Vivian. Olaf takes Arthur out at the knees, and later breaks Arthur's quarterstaff, catching Arthur in the ribs. [SCENE_BREAK] Tournament grounds, Arthur's tent (day) Gaius inspects Arthur in the tent. Gaius: One of your ribs is broken, Sire. Arthur: Nothing can hurt me today. I'm invincible. Love really can conquer all, Gaius. It's true. Gaius: (whisper to Merlin) This can't go on. The fight's not fair. Arthur's head's in the clouds. Merlin: (whisper) I don't know what to do. Gaius: (whisper) Then find someone who does. [SCENE_BREAK] King's Palace, Dragon's cave Kilgharrah: (laughs) This is magic indeed. Merlin: Everything I have tried has failed. Kilgharrah: From what you tell me, the spell has captured his heart. Merlin: And his heart is controlling his brain. Kilgharrah: There is no magic that can break this enchantment. Merlin: There must be. Kilgharrah: It has too great a hold. Merlin: I cannot let Arthur die. Kilgharrah: Patience, young warlock. The solution lies in a force greater than you or I can understand, a force that has puzzled many minds... Merlin: Please, I have very little time. Kilgharrah: ...a force... Merlin: Just tell me! Kilgharrah laughs some more : Why, it is the greatest force of all: love. Merlin: Love? Kilgharrah: You must find the person Arthur truly loves. Merlin: And then what? Kilgharrah: One kiss from her will break the enchantment, and he will desire Vivian no more. Merlin sighs, nods, and leaves in a hurry. [SCENE_BREAK] Tournament ground, Arthur's tent (day) Arthur prepares for the next bout. Gaius: Are you sure you can carry on, Sire? Arthur: As long as I have Vivian to gaze at, I can conquer the world. Besides, the mace is my forte. You'll see. Arthur being pummelled by Olaf in the arena. [SCENE_BREAK] Gwen's house (day) Merlin bursts into Gwen's house without knocking while she's staring out the window. Gwen: Rats again, Merlin? Merlin: What? No. No, erm...I, I need your help. Arthur needs your help. Gwen: I do not think that Arthur needs me. Merlin: Gwen, don't worry. I know. Gwen: You know what? Merlin: Everything. Anyone who spends five minutes with you can see how you feel about each other. Look, I do not have a lot of time to explain, so you are gonna have to trust me. Arthur does love you. Gwen: No he doesn't. Merlin: If you don't trust me, trust your feelings. Gwen: (scoff) I'm never trusting my feelings again. Merlin: He's enchanted! Gwen: Yes, with Lady Vivian! I can see that! Merlin: No, I mean literally enchanted with magic, potions, love juice! None of his feelings are genuine! Gwen: How can you be sure? When I saw him, his feelings seemed real enough. Merlin: Gwen, none of his feelings for Vivian are real. But if you do not break the spell, his death will be. Search your heart. You know who he loves. [SCENE_BREAK] Tournament ground, Arthur's tent (day) Olaf continues to pummel Arthur. He's about to finish Arthur with his mace when the gong is rung. Gwen strides purposefully towards Arthur's tent, pausing to take a deep breath before passing Gaius on her way inside. Arthur: Ah! Have you finally come to wish me good luck? 'Cause I really don't think I need it anymore. Gwen: No, Arthur. I have not come to wish you luck. Arthur: Well, honestly, that's rather rude. Gwen: Then let me make amends. Gwen pins Arthur up against the tent pole and kisses him. He looks confused for a moment before closing his eyes and kissing her back. They put their arms around each other as Arthur dips her. they pull apart and Arthur cringes at his newly discovered injuries. Arthur: What am I doing? Gwen: (whisper) You're in a fight. To the death. You're losing. Arthur: But... Gwen: (whisper) There's no time to explain. Just...live for me, Arthur. That's all I ask right now. [SCENE_BREAK] Tournament grounds (day) Arthur approaches arena with Merlin. Arthur sees Gwen climb into the stands. Arthur: Merlin, if anything should happen to me, look after Gwen. The world may think she is just a servant, dispensable, but...she's not dispensable to me. Merlin smiles and hands Arthur his helmet. Arthur and Olaf fight. Arthur cringes in pain, but catches sight of Gwen and pushes past the pain. Olaf knocks Arthur to the ground, but Arthur flips Olaf, disarming him. Arthur stands above him, poised to strike, then lowers his sword. Arthur: This is no way to achieve peace! Arthur offers Olaf a hand to help him up. The crowd cheers. Arthur nods to Gwen. Gwen smiles. [SCENE_BREAK] Gwen's house (day) Gwen enters her house to find a note and a red rose on her kitchen table. Arthur's waits in the corner. Arthur: I thought I'd better deliver it myself this time. I'm sorry...for...what I put you through. Gwen: No. You have nothing to apologise for. I, too, have caused my fair share of hurt. Arthur: You must believe that my feelings for...Vivian...were not real. I have never loved another. Gwen: One day you will. One day you will find your real princess. One day you will be King of Camelot ... and I cannot be your queen. Arthur: You don't know that. Gwen: I am as sure of that as you are. Arthur: Things may change. Gwen: Well, until they do...bows My Lord. Arthur leaves. Gwen turns around and sighs. [SCENE_BREAK] King's Palace, courtyard corridor (day) Uther walks down the corridor with Olaf. King Olaf: Your boy has a very wise head on his shoulders. Uther: Yeah. King Olaf: I doubt he gets that from you. Uther: Ha. I hope these events will not harm our peace treaty. King Olaf: Oh, I believe that Vivian was as much to blame as Arthur. Vivian wiping her eyes as she descends the palace steps with another lady. King Olaf: I'll take her away from temptation. She's far too young to encounter such things. Yes, I go in peace. Uther: I'm very pleased to hear that. Alined tugs on Trickler's manacle chains in the Square. King Alined: This is more than you deserve, boy. You will run all the way home. Trickler: That's not possible, Master. King Alined: Make it possible. Uther: Why so cross Alined? Arthur: Anyone would think you didn't want peace! King Alined: But of course I do. Peace? Love it. Uther: Well, you may return any time to view the treaty. King Alined: You're very kind. Alined nudges his horse to walk, dragging Trickler behind him. teary eyed Vivian walks by escorted by her father. Lady Vivian: We may return, too? Uther: You're always welcome. Lady Vivian: My heart will remain, and I hope to join it soon. Arthur gives an uncomfortable nod and wave before turning to walk inside with Merlin. Arthur: Not too soon. Merlin: No. Might conflict with your one true love. Arthur: My what? Merlin: You heard me. I have proof. Arthur: Proof? Merlin: You kissed her. In the tent. Arthur: Merlin. Merlin: Yes? Arthur: What happened in the tent. Merlin: Mm-hmm? Arthur: Speak of it again and I'll kill you. Merlin: Okay.	Plan: A: rival kingdoms; Q: What kingdoms descend on Camelot for peace talks? A: King Alined; Q: Who wants war? A: magic; Q: What does King Alined use to stir up hostilities? A: Alined's jester Trickler; Q: Who puts a spell on Arthur to make him fall in love with Vivian? A: Vivian; Q: Who is the daughter of King Olaf? A: Chaos; Q: What reigns in the palace? A: Arthur's heart; Q: What must Merlin free before Arthur loses his head in battle? Summary: Dignitaries from rival kingdoms descend on Camelot for peace talks, but what King Alined really wants is war and he'll do everything in his power to stir up hostilities, even if it means using magic. Alined's jester Trickler puts a spell on Arthur to make him fall madly in love with rival King Olaf's daughter Vivian. Chaos reigns in the palace and Camelot is once more poised on the brink of war. Can Merlin free Arthur's heart before the prince loses his head in battle?
THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMEN by MERVYN HAISMAN and HENRY LINCOLN first broadcast - 30th September 1967 [SCENE_BREAK] 1. TENT, MOUNTAINSIDE (In a tent, a man, dressed in climbing clothes, lies sleeping in a sleeping-bag.) JOHN: Aahh! (This wakes the man from his sleep. TRAVERS looks at the other bunk in the tent. It is empty.) TRAVERS: John? (He goes outside the tent, grabbing his rifle as he does so.) TRAVERS: John, where are you? JOHN: (Yelling.) Aahh! Aahh! (TRAVERS reaches his companion but finds John lying on the ground - dead. Beside the body stands a large hairy beast. The beast snaps the rifle in two and knocks him to the ground...) [SCENE_BREAK] 2. TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM (Later on, the TARDIS arrives but we see the landing inside the craft. The DOCTOR, JAMIE and VICTORIA stare up at the mountainside on the scanner as the landing noise fades away.) DOCTOR: (Delightfully.) I don't believe it! Marvellous! After all this time. JAMIE: Oh, what's so marvellous about that? DOCTOR: Well don't you see, Jamie, its the Himalayas! And I do believe we're in exactly the right... now wait a minute. JAMIE: The Hima - what? DOCTOR: Shh, Shh. (VICTORIA decides to help JAMIE with the location.) VICTORIA: The Himalayas, Jamie. They're mountains. JAMIE: Aye I can see that. Hey is it the Earth, Doctor? I don't fancy another tangle down the Cybermen's tomb. DOCTOR: No, no. Shh, Jamie, Shh! Yes of course it's the Earth. Yes...yes I think I'm right... yes... JAMIE: Where are these mountains? VICTORIA: Don't you know where the Himalayas are? They're in India. Well at least I think so... DOCTOR: Yes, that's it! I knew it! I knew it! It's incredible. Right! No, no, not India. This is Tibet. That's where we are, Tibet. Now, there's no time to be lost. Come along, Jamie, we must find the ghanta. JAMIE: The what? DOCTOR: The ghanta, the ghanta. I put it here somewhere. Come along, Jamie, help me. (The DOCTOR pulls out an old trunk and starts hunting for the Ghanta, a Tibetan holy bell. JAMIE starts to help and we hear something in the chest breaking.) JAMIE: Hey what am I supposed to be looking for? DOCTOR: I told you it's... (He finds a small object with bells on it.) DOCTOR: Good Lord, I haven't seen that for years. JAMIE: Oh, that's the ghanta then? DOCTOR: No, no, no, no. It's a... well... whatever it is... it's nice to see it again. (He puts it back in the chest and continue to search.) VICTORIA: Oh. DOCTOR: Thank you. Come along, Victoria. (JAMIE finds some bagpipes in the chest.) JAMIE: Hey, Doctor, would you look at these. You never told me you had these. DOCTOR: No, Jamie. JAMIE: Hey I could fix those easily. DOCTOR: Yes I was afraid of that. VICTORIA: Jamie, you're getting as bad as the Doctor. DOCTOR: Come along, help me find the ghanta. (JAMIE, sadly, puts the bagpipes down.) VICTORIA: It would help us considerably if we knew what we were looking for. DOCTOR: (Snaps.) Ghanta! VICTORIA: But what is it? (The DOCTOR stares at both his companions and seeing that they don't know calms down.) DOCTOR: Oh, what is it, you don't know. Oh, it's a bell. VICTORIA: (Slightly laughing.) Oh, it's a bell, Jamie. JAMIE: Oh, a bell. Oh, well now we know what we're looking for. DOCTOR: Yes, it's a Tibetan bell, actually. A holy relic. This one is quite small, it has a dragon on it. And it has rather an interesting history, it was... (He finds a large fur coat in the chest.) DOCTOR: Oh! Ah ha, yes I'll have that. Ah ha, yes, it's just the thing for this climate. You might as well find yourselves something while you're about it. (He puts the coat on and shows it to VICTORIA.) DOCTOR: How do I look? VICTORIA: (Just stopping herself, laughing.) Doctor, you look beautiful. DOCTOR: Yes, I thought I might. I think I'll go and have a scout around. Now you two find the bell, it's very important. VICTORIA: Oh, but why do you want it? DOCTOR: Because down there it's going to guarantee us the welcome of a lifetime! VICTORIA: Down there? (The DOCTOR opens the door and leaves the ship.) JAMIE: Oh, don't ask me. When you've been with the Doctor as long as I have, you begin to realise you don't know what he's talking about. (Returning to the chest.) We better find this bell of his. VICTORIA: (Turning a switch on the console.) Wait a minute, Jamie. JAMIE: Hey come and give us a hand. VICTORIA: I want to see where the Doctor's gone. Now if I turn this to the left... it should... a ha that's it. (The picture on the scanner moves to the left. JAMIE finds a sword in the chest and starts to wave it about.) JAMIE: Hey, now would you look at this. Oh, that's marvellous. (He points to something on the scanner.) JAMIE: What... Hey, what's that? VICTORIA: Where? JAMIE: A great sort of hairy beastie. Turn the thing back. VICTORIA: (Turning the switch again.) Oh. JAMIE: No, to the right. VICTORIA: (Struggling with the switch.) I am! JAMIE: Downwards. That's it, there! (We see a small furry creature bouncing down the path. JAMIE see what it is and starts to laugh.) JAMIE: Oh no, my mistake. The great hairy beastie, it's the Doctor. (They both laugh.) [SCENE_BREAK] 3. PATH, MOUNTAINSIDE (The DOCTOR walks up the mountain, stops and breaths in the fresh mountain air.) DOCTOR: Yes, ah, yes. [SCENE_BREAK] 4. TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM (A large bunch of buildings and a courtyard appears on the scanner.) VICTORIA: A monastery! JAMIE: Aye, that will be where he's gone. VICTORIA: I wonder why he wouldn't take us? JAMIE: You can never tell with the Doctor. Hey, just thought. Do they let lasses into monasteries? VICTORIA: I don't know. Oh, don't say that. JAMIE: Oh never mind, I suppose he'll manage somehow. VICTORIA: (Referring to a large box.) Hey, shall we open it? JAMIE: I don't think so, the Doctor may not like it. [SCENE_BREAK] 5. PATH, MOUNTAINSIDE (Wandering up the mountain the DOCTOR comes across an enormous footprint, then out of the corner of his eye something moves. Troubled, he turns and starts to makes his way back towards the TARDIS, while from behind a boulder further up, a large hand and shaggy form begins to emerge.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6. TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM (JAMIE is putting some climbing boots on.) VICTORIA: Apart from climbing boots I really think you ought to wear something warm. JAMIE: I tell you I'm a Highlander, the cold doesn't affect me. VICTORIA: There's a great deal of difference between the Highlands and the Himalayas, Jamie. JAMIE: Aye, they're bigger. (The DOCTOR re-enters the TARDIS.) VICTORIA: Oh, there you are Doctor. I found this bell thing you were looking for. DOCTOR: Oh, splendid, splendid. VICTORIA: Is the monastery far? Can we come too? DOCTOR: Mmm, yes. Oh, no. One thing at a time, Victoria. We must find this ghanta. VICTORIA: Oh, here. DOCTOR: Oh, um. VICTORIA: Is this where we're going, Detsen? DOCTOR: Um. Detsen, yes that's the name of the monastery, but I'm afraid you're not going. Well not yet a while anyway. VICTORIA: (Surprised.) Doctor! DOCTOR: No I think it would be better if I went alone. JAMIE: You've seen something haven't you? Would it not be better if I went with you? VICTORIA: Is there something dangerous then, Doctor? DOCTOR: Oh, good heavens no! No, there's nothing for you to worry about. Now you stay here with Jamie, inside, and I'll be as quick as I can. (He turns back towards the open doors.) VICTORIA: Oh ah, Doctor. (She gives the Ghanta to the DOCTOR.) DOCTOR: Oh, ha ha. I nearly forgot it. (He leaves the TARDIS and the doors close behind him.) [SCENE_BREAK] 7. MOUNTAINSIDE (Picking his way back down the mountain the DOCTOR finds TRAVERS' campsite and sees JOHN's dead body with its neck broken and the broken rifle. Puzzling, the Doctor picks up TRAVERS' discarded rucksack and continues towards the Monastery.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8. TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM (Meanwhile, JAMIE bangs his fist on the console with boredom.) VICTORIA: Oh, I'm getting bored. Let's go outside. JAMIE: No I don't think we should. VICTORIA: All right I'll go by myself. JAMIE: Oh no you won't! You won't leave me here by myself. VICTORIA: (Laughing.) Oh come on, we needn't be long. JAMIE: Aye, well just a quick look then. (VICTORIA opens the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 9. MONASTERY'S GATE (The DOCTOR arrives at the gate. Surprising, the door stay closed.) DOCTOR: Anybody here? (No answer.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10. TARDIS, MOUNTAINSIDE (VICTORIA scans the view from just outside the TARDIS while JAMIE is still inside.) JAMIE: What can you see? VICTORIA: Come on, it's a marvellous view. (JAMIE leaves the TARDIS, shivering but trying not to let VICTORIA see it.) JAMIE: Aye, so it is. Now come away back. VICTORIA: Why? JAMIE: Because the Doctor said that... Well if you must know, I am cold. VICTORIA: (Laughing.) Didn't I tell you. Now why don't you go and get that coat? JAMIE: Because I'm not leaving you out here on your own, and that's final. (VICTORIA stares over JAMIE's shoulder and spots something odd.) VICTORIA: Jamie, look! JAMIE: What is it? VICTORIA: Footprints. Look at the size of them. (She follows the prints around the police box.) VICTORIA: Something's been walking around the TARDIS. What could it be, Jamie, a bear? JAMIE: Whatever it is, it's pretty big. We better get inside. VICTORIA: I'd like to find out what it is first. Wouldn't you? JAMIE: Look we must be careful. This could be dangerous. Wait while I get that sword. (He dashes back inside the craft.) [SCENE_BREAK] 11. MONASTERY'S GATE (The DOCTOR pounds on the Gate. But there was no answer. So he tries again.) DOCTOR: Hello there. (No answer, but when he pounds the door for the third time, the door creeks open. The DOCTOR, puzzled, pushes open the door and moves inside the Monastery.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12. COURTYARD (Here, again, the DOCTOR finds not a soul. He looks, with a puzzled look on his face, in different parts of the Courtyard but finds no one.) DOCTOR: Hello! Where is everybody? (After a minute silence, the DOCTOR hears the gates closing behind him. With a large smile, he turns and starts to speak...) DOCTOR: Oh, ah ha, there you are. I thought... I thought for one... moment. (...Then he sees that the monks approaching him from the gate have their weapons raised ready for an attack from the DOCTOR. Two of the warrior monks (KHRISONG & THOMNI) move forward to speak.) KHRISONG: What do you want here? DOCTOR: I've come to... (Suddenly TRAVERS appears, and seeing the rucksack that the DOCTOR picked up at the campsite, explodes with anger.) TRAVERS: (Furious.) Look he's got my rucksack. DOCTOR: (Noticing that he still has the rucksack.) Oh that. TRAVERS: (Stepping towards the DOCTOR with fists raised.) You murderous devil! KHRISONG: Who is this man? TRAVERS: I don't know, but this is mine all right. THOMNI: But you said... KHRISONG: Be silent. You said it was a beast that attacked you. TRAVERS: Yes, but it was dark, remember. All I could see was a vague shape, but I felt it's hair. Well it's quite obvious now that it's this coat he's wearing. KHRISONG: (To the DOCTOR.) Why did you attack this man? DOCTOR: Me! I haven't attacked anyone! I found the haversack on the mountain. TRAVERS: He's lying! DOCTOR: I also found a dead man! TRAVERS: Yes and you killed him! KHRISONG: Enough! Seize him. (Two of the Warrior Monks grab the DOCTOR roughly by the arms.) TRAVERS: But you can't possibly... KHRISONG: Silence. This man accuses you of one crime, but there have been many others. If you are responsible, be sure you will be punished. Take him away. DOCTOR: But this is ridiculous. Why don't you listen to me? Where are you taking me? (But the Monks drag him away without saying another word.) TRAVERS: Watch him carefully, Khrisong, he's dangerous. KHRISONG: This is possible. THOMNI: We do not know he is the attacker. TRAVERS: Of course he is! I've just said he's so. THOMNI: Why then did he come here? KHRISONG: That, also, we shall discover. [SCENE_BREAK] 13. CELL (The DOCTOR is shoved in a small cell with just a straw bed in it.) DOCTOR: (Amazed.) The welcome of a life time? [SCENE_BREAK] 14. CAVE, MOUNTAINSIDE (JAMIE, now wearing the coat from the TARDIS, and VICTORIA follow the footprints to a cave in the mountainside.) VICTORIA: (Pointing at the cave.) Jamie, look! JAMIE: Aye, that'll be where the beastie lives, right enough. And it's as far as we're going. VICTORIA: Oh we can't turn back now. JAMIE: We can and we will, it could be dangerous. VICTORIA: How do you know? It may be quite harmless. JAMIE: With feet that size? VICTORIA: Well just a quick look inside. JAMIE: Look, if that animal is dangerous we could be walking into a trap. VICTORIA: Oh but Jamie... JAMIE: No, we're going back, I mean it. VICTORIA: Jamie. Look... (But JAMIE spots something just inside the cave.) JAMIE: Hey! Wait a minute. VICTORIA: Well what is it? JAMIE: Look there, just inside the cave. VICTORIA: Where? I can't see anything. JAMIE: It looks like a beam of wood. VICTORIA: (Laughing.) Oh it can't be. (But this pips JAMIE's interest.) JAMIE: It might not be an animal's den after all. I'm going to take a closer look. VICTORIA: Oh but Jamie... JAMIE: (Firmly.) Look, a wild animal's one thing - I'm not afraid of a man! (They enter the cave and more of the wooden beams are discovered.) JAMIE: This is a man's work all right. VICTORIA: Oh let's go back, Jamie. (She hears something.) VICTORIA: Jamie! (Further down the cave, JAMIE turns to be greeted by...) VICTORIA: JAMIE! (...VICTORIA rushing down the cave towards him.) JAMIE: Hey, come and a look at this. (He points to a strange glowing pyramid of silver spheres.) VICTORIA: (Pointing back to the entrance.) Jamie, listen! There's something coming! JAMIE: Get back. (At the entrance, a large creature lumbers up and seals the cave by pushing the boulder back.) [SCENE_BREAK] 15. CELL (The DOCTOR reflects on his "welcome" and then moves his bed under the window to seek escape, but there is none, for a 100 foot drop lies behind the window. TRAVERS's face appears at a grill on the door of the cell.) TRAVERS: (Taunting.) Its a 100 foot drop outside that window. (The DOCTOR looks down at the drop.) TRAVERS: There's no way out you know. DOCTOR: (Cheerfully.) I didn't think there would be. TRAVERS: How did you track me down? DOCTOR: (Puzzled.) Track you down? I don't even know who you are. TRAVERS: Don't play the innocent with me! It won't work. If it wasn't for my expedition you wouldn't be here. Hmm. You're one of those wretched newspaper men. DOCTOR: (Totally puzzled.) Paper Men? I wish I know what you are talking about? TRAVERS: Oh yes! You laughed at me in the press didn't you. "Travers - the mad anthropologist". After that, even my own Society wouldn't finance me. (Firmly.) But I know they're here. Twenty years I've been searching. DOCTOR: Twenty years! TRAVERS: I've staked my reputation and every penny I own on this expedition. Now, when I'm close to finding them, you want to steal my glory! Just for the sake of a cheap headline. DOCTOR: Finding them? Finding what? TRAVERS: (Getting angry at the DOCTOR's words.) Don't pretend. They're here. Somewhere on these mountains. DOCTOR: (Almost shouting.) What are?! TRAVERS: You know! The Yeti! The Abominable Snowmen! [SCENE_BREAK] 16. CAVE (JAMIE has been trying to push the boulder.) JAMIE: Oh, it's not use, I can't shift it. (He turns to VICTORIA.) JAMIE: Perhaps there is another way out of here. I'm gonna see what's down there. VICTORIA: Oh no! Don't! There may be more of them. JAMIE: Aye, there might. That's why I want you to stay here. VICTORIA: Oh no... JAMIE: Look, you're safe enough for the moment. If you need me just yell your head off. VICTORIA: (With a little fire.) Don't worry, I will! (JAMIE runs down the cave.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17. CELL (The DOCTOR is not getting through to TRAVERS.) DOCTOR: But it could have been the Yeti that attacked you. TRAVERS: (Firmly) Rubbish! The Yeti are timid creatures. They're shy... DOCTOR: But... TRAVERS: They're afraid of men. DOCTOR: But... Why me!? Why say I did it? TRAVERS: (Feverishly) You want a clear field don't you. I discovered the Yeti! The honour's mine, but you want to take it from me. Why, you even murdered my companion just to get a cheap story for your newspaper. DOCTOR: That is ridiculous. TRAVERS: Is it? DOCTOR: Whoever killed your friend had enormous strength. TRAVERS: Yes? DOCTOR: (Spreading his arms open.) Well, could I have done it? Well, could I? (TRAVERS sees this is the case.) TRAVERS: No. I'm not going to discuss it any further. (To himself.) There's work to be done. The expedition must go on! (Laughing he turns to the DOCTOR.) TRAVERS: Khrisong will find out the truth! (TRAVERS closes the grill.) DOCTOR: Travers! Travers, come back! [SCENE_BREAK] 18. COURTYARD (KHRISONG, and his sub-ordinate THOMNI, confront two aged lamas in the monastery's courtyard - RINCHEN and SAPAN.) KHRISONG: We have the word of the Englishman, Travers. THOMNI: But how do we know he is telling the truth. KHRISONG: Why should he lie? In any case, I am not so concerned with the death of Travers's companion. Four of our brothers have been slaughtered. That is my concern. RINCHEN: Had we not agreed that the Yeti were responsible? KHRISONG: True, Rinchen. But have we not also wondered why? They were so rarely seen, timid. Then, suddenly they become savage... Did we not wonder why? Did we not wonder what or whom had brought this change? And now, here is this stranger and Travers accuses him. He may be a cause. I ask you again. Let me put it to the truth. Now. RINCHEN: You are asking us to condemn a man to certain death. KHRISONG: I am Chief Warrior. Is it not my duty to protect you? RINCHEN: But not by taking a man's life. KHRISONG: (Firmly) Yes, if it is necessary. SAPAN: No! Only the Abbot can decide. Songtsen alone can approve such measures. (A large gong is heard.) RINCHEN: It is time for prayer, my brothers. (SAPAN and RINCHEN start to leave. KHRISONG and the chants of the brothers can be heard.) KHRISONG: (Angry and impatient.) Wait! We must decide now! RINCHEN: No, Khrisong. After our meditations we will consult the Abbot. (RINCHEN and SAPAN move away.) KHRISONG: This is foolishness! Time will be wasted! Do they wish more of our brothers to die before I'm allowed to take action. THOMNI: There is no other way. KHRISONG: There is, for me. Let them meditate. Let them consult. I, Khrisong, will act! Bring me the prisoner. [SCENE_BREAK] 19. CAVE (Back in the cave, VICTORIA starts to hear noises from outside the cave. The boulder starts to move.) VICTORIA: (Shouting down the cave.) Jamie! Jamie, it's coming back! (JAMIE arrives and pushes VICTORIA behind him.) JAMIE: Get back in there! VICTORIA: Oh, is it safe? JAMIE: Aye. Now go on! (VICTORIA starts to move down the cave when the boulder is finally push back and the Yeti enters the cave. JAMIE moves forward and faces the creature with his sword.) VICTORIA: (Watching.) Jamie, get back! It will kill you! (The Yeti wrenches the sword from JAMIE's grasp and snaps it in two.) VICTORIA: Stop! (The Yeti then advances on Jamie. Victoria screams...)	Plan: A: the Doctor; Q: Who is accused of murder in the Det-Sen monastery? A: the nearby Det-Sen monastery; Q: Where does the Doctor decide to visit after the TARDIS materialises in the Himalayas? Summary: When the TARDIS materialises in the Himalayas, the Doctor decides to pay a return visit to the nearby Det-Sen monastery only to be accused of murder.
Originally written by Jeff Greenstein & Jeff Strauss Transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips [[email protected]]. Minor additions and adjustments by Dan Silverstein. [Scene: Central Perk. All six are there.] MNCA: Would you let it go? It's not that big a deal. ROSS: Not that big a deal? It's amazing. Ok, you just reach in there, there's one little maneuver, and bam, a bra right out the sleeve. All right, as far as I'm concerned, there is nothing a guy can do that even comes close. Am I right? RACH: Come on! You guys can pee standing up. CHAN: We can? All right, I'm tryin' that. JOEY: Ok, you know what blows my mind? Women can see breasts any time they want. You just look down and there they are. How you get any work done is beyond me. PHOE: Oh, ok, you know what I don't get? The way guys can do so many mean things, and then not even care. [Long pause.] ROSS: Multiple orgasms! Opening Credits [Scene: Central Perk. All are there.] CHAN: So, Saturday night, the big night, date night, Saturday night, Sat-ur-day night! JOEY: No plans, huh? CHAN: Not a one. ROSS: Not even, say, breaking up with Janice? CHAN: Oh, right, right, shut up. MNCA: Chandler, nobody likes breaking up with someone. You just gotta do it. CHAN: No, I know, but it's just so hard, you know? I mean, you're sitting there with her, she has no idea what's happening, and then you finally get up the courage to do it, and there's the horrible awkward moment when you've handed her the note. JOEY: Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man, just stop calling. PHOE: You know, if you want, I'll do it with you. CHAN: Oh, thanks, but I think she'd feel like we're gangin' up on her. PHOE: No, I mean you break up with Janice and I'll break up with Tony. ROSS: Tony? MNCA: Oh, you're breaking up with Tony? PHOE: Yeah, I know, he's sweet, but it's just not fun anymore, you know? I don't know if it's me, or his hunger strike, or, I don't know. RACH: [waitressing] Does anybody want anything else? ROSS: Oh, yeah, last week you had a wonderful, nutty, chocolatey kind of a cakey pie thing. [Rachel gives him a dirty look] Nothing, just, just, I'm fine. PHOE: [to Rachel] What's the matter? Why so scrunchy? RACH: It's my father. He wants to give me a Mercedes convertible. ROSS: That guy, he burns me up. RACH: Yeah, well, it's a Mercedes if I move back home. Oh, it was horrible. He called me young lady. CHAN: Ooh, I hate when my father calls me that. MNCA: Did he give you that whole "You're-not-up-to-this" thing again? RACH: Oh, yeah, yeah. Actually, I got the extended disco version, with three choruses of "You'll never make it on your own". PHOE: [rhythmically] Uh-huh, uh-huh. [Angela (ANGL), a beautiful woman in a tight dress, enters.] ANGL: Hi, Joey. JOEY: My god, Angela. [Angela takes a seat at the counter.] MNCA: Wow, being dumped by you obviously agrees with her. PHOE: Are you gonna go over there? JOEY: No, yeah, no, ok, but not yet. I don't wanna seem too eager. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi. That seems pretty cool. [he walks over to her] Hey, Angela. ANGL: [casually] Joey. JOEY: You look good. ANGL: That's because I'm wearing a dress that accents my boobs. JOEY: You don't say. [Cut to Ross and Rachel, talking next to one of the tables.] ROSS: So, uh, Rachel, what are you, uh, what're you doing tonight? RACH: Oh, big glamour night. Me and Monica at Laundorama. ROSS: Oh, you uh, you wanna hear a freaky coincidence? Guess who's doing laundry there too? RACH: Who? ROSS: Me. Was that not clear? Hey, why don't, um, why don't I just join you both, here? RACH: Don't you have a laundry room in your building? ROSS: Yes, I do have a laundry room in my building, um, but there's a.... rat problem. Apparently they're attracted to the dryer sheets, and they're goin' in fine, but they're comin' out all.... fluffy. Anyway, say, sevenish? RACH: Sure. [Cut back to Joey and Angela at the counter.] ANGL: Forget it Joey. I'm with Bob now. JOEY: Bob? Who the hell's Bob? ANGL: Bob is great. He's smart, he's sophisticated, and he has a real job. You, you go on three auditions a month and you call yourself an actor, but Bob-- JOEY: Come on, we were great together. And not just at the fun stuff, but like, talking too. ANGL: Yeah, well, sorry, Joe. You said let's just be friends, so guess what? JOEY: What? ANGL: We're just friends. JOEY: Fine, fine, so, why don't the four of us go out and have dinner together tonight? You know, as friends? ANGL: What four of us? JOEY: You know, you and Bob, and me and my girlfriend, uh, uh, Monica. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Joey is there, trying to convince Monica to pose as his girlfriend. His plan is to hook Monica up with Angela's boyfriend Bob and then take Angela back for himself.] JOEY: Monica, I'm tellin' you, this guy is perfect for you. MNCA: Forget it. Not after your cousin who could belch the alphabet. JOEY: Come on. This guy's great. His name's Bob. He's Angela's... brother. He's smart, he's sophisticated, and he has a real job. Me, I go on three auditions a month and call myself an actor, but Bob is-- MNCA: [looking out window] Oh, god help us. JOEY: What? MNCA: Ugly Naked Guy's laying kitchen tile. Eww! JOEY: Eww! Look, I'm asking a favor here. If I do this for her brother, maybe Angela will come back to me. MNCA: What's going on here? You go out with tons of girls. JOEY: [proud] I know, but, I made a huge mistake. I never should have broken up with her. Will you help me? Please? [Scene: Ross' apartment. Chandler is over.] ROSS: [on phone] Ok, bye. [hangs up] Well, Monica's not coming, it's just gonna be me and Rachel. CHAN: Oh. Well, hold on camper, are you sure you've thought this thing through? ROSS: It's laundry. The thinking through is minimal. CHAN: It's just you and Rachel, just the two of you? This is a date. You're going on a date. ROSS: Nuh-uh. CHAN: Yuh-huh. ROSS: So what're you saying here? I should shave again, pick up some wine, what? CHAN: Well, you may wanna rethink the dirty underwear. This is basically the first time she's gonna see your underwear--do you want it to be dirty? ROSS: [sheepish] No. CHAN: Oh, and uh, the fabric softener? ROSS: Ok, ok, now what is wrong with my Snuggles? What, it says I'm a sensitive, warm kinda guy, you know, like a warm, fuzzy bear. Ok, I can pick something else up on the way. CHAN: There you go. [Scene: A fancy restaurant. Joey and Monica are there, meeting Angela and Bob, who Monica thinks is Angela's brother.] MNCA: Thank you. So what does this Bob guy look like? Is he tall? Short? JOEY: Yep. MNCA: Which? JOEY: Which what? MNCA: You've never met Bob, have you? JOEY: No, but he's-- MNCA: Oh my god, Joey, for all we know this guy could be horribly-- [Angela and Bob walk in. Bob is good-looking.] ANGL: Hey, Joey. MNCA: --horribly attractive. I'll be shutting up now. [Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Phoebe are there, both ready to break up with their significant others.] CHAN: Where are they? Where are they? PHOE: This is nice. We never do anything just the two of us. CHAN: It's great. Maybe tomorrow we can rent a car and run over some puppies. PHOE: Eww, I don't wanna do that. [Janice (JNCE) and Phoebe's boyfriend, Tony, walk in.] CHAN: Here we go. PHOE: Ok, have a good break-up. CHAN: Hey, Janice. JNCE: Oh, my god, I am so glad you called me. I had the most supremely awful day. CHAN: Hey, that's not good. Can I get an espresso and a latte over here, please? JNCE: We got the proofs back from that photo shoot, you know, the one with the little vegetables. Anyway, they pretty much sucked, so, I blew off the rest of the day, and I went shopping...[looks through her bags]... and I got you, I'm looking, I'm looking, I'm looking, I got you... [Chandler sees Phoebe breaking up with Tony. She talks to him for a few seconds, hugs him, and then he leaves. Chandler is amazed how easy it was for her.] CHAN: What? JNCE: What? CHAN: [covering] What... did you get me there? JNCE: I got you--these. [pulls out a pair of socks] CHAN: Bullwinkle socks. That's so sweet. JNCE: Well, I knew you had the Rockys, and so I figured, you know, you can wear Bullwinkle and Bullwinkle, or you can wear Rocky and Rocky,or, you can mix and match, moose and squirrel. Whatever you want. CHAN: That's great. [The drinks arrive, and Chandler downs his espresso in one gulp.] CHAN: Well, I'm gonna get another espresso. Can I get you another latte? JNCE: [holding the full cup] No, no, I'm still working on mine. [Chandler walks over to the counter where Phoebe is, and is asking her about the break-up.] CHAN: That's it? PHOE: Yeah, it was really hard. CHAN: Oh, yeah, that hug looked pretty brutal. PHOE: Ok, you weren't there. [Scene: The Launderama. Rachel is there, waiting for Ross. An old woman takes Rachel's clothes off the machine and begins loading it with her things.] WOMAN: Comin' through. Move, move. RACH: Oh, 'scuse me. I was kinda using that machine. WOMAN: Yeah, well, now you're kinda not. RACH: But I saved it. I put my basket on top. WOMAN: Oh, I'm sorry, is that your basket? It's really pretty. Unfortunately, I don't see suds. RACH: What? WOMAN: No suds, no save. Ok? [Ross arrives.] ROSS: What's goin' on? RACH: Hi, uh, nothing. That horrible woman just took my machine. ROSS: Was your basket on top? RACH: Yeah, but, there were no suds. ROSS: So? RACH: Well, you know, no suds, no save. ROSS: No suds? Excuse me, hold on a second. [to woman] That's my friend's machine. WOMAN: Hey, hey, hey, her stuff wasn't in it. ROSS: Hey, hey, hey, that's not the rule and you know it. [The woman and Ross stare at each other. Finally she takes her stuff out of the machine and leaves.] ROSS: [to the crowd in the laundromat] All right, show's over. Nothing to see here. [to Rachel] Ok, let's do laundry. RACH: That was amazing. I can't even send back soup. ROSS: Well, that's because you're such a sweet, gentle, uh...Do you, uh, do you...Oh, hey, uh you must need detergent. [Ross pulls out a huge box of laundry detergent.] RACH: What's that? ROSS: Uberveiss. It's new, it's German, it's extra-tough. [Rachel starts to load her clothes.] ROSS: Rach, do you uh, are you gonna separate those? RACH: Oh god. Oh, am I being like a total laundry spaz? I mean, am I supposed to use like one machine for shirts and another machine for pants? ROSS: Rach, have you never done this before? RACH: Well, not myself, but I know other people that have. Ok, you caught me. I'm a laundry virgin. ROSS: Uh, well, don't worry, I'll use the gentle cycle. Ok, um, basically you wanna use one machine for all your whites, a whole nother machine for colors, and a third for your uh, your uh, delicates, and that would be your bras and your under-panty things. RACH: [holds a pair of panties in front of Ross] Ok, Well, what about these are white cotton panties. Would they go with whites or delicates? ROSS: [visibly nervous] Uh, that, that, that would be a judgment call. [Scene: Fancy restaurant. Monica, Joey, Angela, and Bob are seated at the table.] MNCA: [to Joey] He is so cute. [to Angela and Bob] So, where did you guys grow up? ANGL: Brooklyn Heights. BOB: Cleveland. MNCA: How, how did that happen? JOEY: Oh my god. MNCA: What? JOEY: I suddenly had the feeling that I was falling. But I'm not. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: Fancy restaurant. Joey and Bob are talking.] JOEY: So, you and Angela, huh? BOB: Yep. Pretty much. JOEY: You're a lucky man. You know what I miss the most about her? That cute nibbly noise when she eats. Like a happy little squirrel, or a weasel. BOB: Huh, I never really noticed. JOEY: Oh, yeah, yeah, listen for it. BOB: Monica, Monica is great. JOEY: Yeah, but it's not gonna last. She's too much for me in bed. Sexually. [Scene: The ladies' bathroom at the restaurant. Monica and Angela are talking.] MNCA: I've gotta tell you, Bob is terrific. ANGL: Yeah, isn't he? MNCA: It is so great to meet a guy who is smart and funny, and has an emotional age beyond, like eight. ANGL: You know what else? He's unbelievable in bed. MNCA: Wow. My brother never even told me when he lost his virginity. ANGL: Huh. That's nice. [Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is coaching Chandler on how to break up with Janice.] PHOE: Ok, you can do this. It's just like pulling off a Band-aid. Just do it really fast, and then the wound is exposed. [Chandler walks back to couch, where Janice is.] CHAN: Janice. Hi, Janice. Ok, here we go. I don't think we should go out anymore. Janice. JNCE: All right. Well, there you go. [she gets extremely wound up, and begins to try and calm herself down] Stop it, stop it, stop it. [SCENE_BREAK] [Scene: The laundromat.] RACH: Ok, I know this is gonna sound really stupid, but I feel that if I can do this, you know, if I can actually do my own laundry, there isn't anything I can't do. ROSS: That does not sound stupid to me. You know, it's like the first time I had to make dinner for myself, after Carol left me? [the buzzer on the washer goes off] I'm sorry, that's all the time we have. Next on Ross...[opens up the washer] Uh-oh. RACH: What uh-oh? ROSS: [not wanting to tell her] Uh-oh, uh-oh, the laundry's done. It's, uh, it's a song. The laundry song that we sing. [singing] Uh-oh the laundry's done, uh-oh, uh-oh. RACH: Ross, what's the matter? ROSS: Nothing, nothing. Lee-lo, the laundry's done. RACH: Come on, show me. ROSS: All right, all right, it's just that you left a red sock in with all your whites, and now, everything's kinda pink. RACH: Oh, everything's pink. ROSS: Yeah, uh, except for the red sock, which is still red. I'm sorry, please don't be upset, it could happen to anyone. RACH: Except it didn't. It happened to me. Oh, god, I'm gonna look like a big marshmallow peep. What am I doing? What am I doing? My father's right. I can't live on my own! I can't even do laundry! [The woman who had tried to steal the washing machine walks by, and laughs.] [Scene: The fancy restaurant. Angela has her hand in Bob's shirt, and Monica is very uncomfortable.] MNCA: Something went wrong with Underdog, and they couldn't get his head to inflate. So anyway, um, his head is like flopping down Broadway, right, and I'm just thinking... how inappropriate this is. Um, I've got something in my eye, uh, Joey, could we check it in the light, please? [Her and Joey walk away from the table.] MNCA: Oh my god. JOEY: What? MNCA: Hello! Were we at the same table? It's like... cocktails in Appalachia. JOEY: Come on, they're close. MNCA: Close? She's got her tongue in his ear. JOEY: Oh, like you've never gotten a little rambunctious with Ross. MNCA: Joey, this is sick, it's disgusting, it's, it's--not really true, is it? JOEY: Well, who's to say what's true? I mean-- MNCA: Oh my god, what were you thinking? JOEY: All right, look, I'm not proud of this, ok? Well, maybe I am a little. MNCA: [hits him lightly] Oh! JOEY: Ow! MNCA: [leaving] I'm outta here. JOEY: Wait, wait, wait. You want him, I want her. He likes you. MNCA: Really? JOEY: Yeah. I'm thinking, if we put our heads together, between the two of us, we can break them up. [Scene changes to later that night. Monica accidentally spilled her drink on Bob's shirt and is wiping it off. Joey is making eyes at Angela.] MNCA: I'm so sorry, I can't believe I did this, but I couldn't stop laughing at your Norman Mailer story. [Angela is eating chicken wings and making the weasel-like noise Joey had told Bob about.] JOEY: Uh, waiter, one more plate of chicken wings over here. [Scene: Central Perk. Chandler is still trying to ease things over with Janice, and there are about a dozen empty Espresso cups in front of him. He is extremely wired.] CHAN: Here's the thing, Janice. You know, I mean, it's like we're different. I'm like the bing, bing, bing. You're like the boom, boom, [Chandler flails his hand out and hits Janice in the eye]... boom. JNCE: Ow! CHAN: Oh, my god, I'm so sorry. Are you ok? JNCE: Ow. Um, it's just my lens. It's just my lens. I'll be right back. [She leaves.] CHAN: [to Phoebe] I hit her in the eye! I hit her in the eye! This is the worst break-up in the history of the world. PHOE: Oh my god. [Chandler downs another espresso.] How many of those have you had? CHAN: Oh, I don't know, a million? PHOE: Chandler, easy, easy. Go to your happy place. La la la la la la la. CHAN: I'm fine. PHOE: All right. [Janice returns from the bathroom.] CHAN: I'm not fine. Here she comes. PHOE: Wait here. Breathe. [Phoebe goes over to speak to Janice. She talks to her for a few seconds, and then Janice immediately smiles, hugs her, waves to Chandler, and leaves.] CHAN: How do you do that? PHOE: It's like a gift. CHAN: We should always always break up together. PHOE: Oh, I'd like that. [Scene: The Launderama. Rachel is sorting her now-pink clothes.] ROSS: You got the clothes clean. Now that's the important part. RACH: Oh, I guess. Except everything looks like jammies now. [The same woman walks over and takes Rachel's laundry cart.] RACH: Whoa, I'm sorry. Excuse me. We had this cart. WOMAN: Yeah, well, I had a 24-inch waist. You lose things. Now come on, get outta my way. [Rachel looks at Ross, who motions to her to get the cart back.] RACH: I'm sorry, you know, maybe I wasn't being clear. Uh, this is our cart. WOMAN: Hey, hey, hey there aren't any clothes in it. RACH: Hey, hey, hey, hey, quit making up rules! WOMAN: Let go! [They struggle for the cart. Finally, Rachel climbs inside of it.] RACH: All right, listen, missy. If you want this cart, you're gonna have to take me with it! [She thinks it over, and then walks away.] RACH: [to Ross] Yes! Did you see that? ROSS: You were incredible! Brand new woman, ladies and gentlemen. RACH: I could not have done this without you. [Rachel stands up and kisses Ross. He is stunned. A moment of silence follows.] ROSS: Ok, um, uh, more clothes in the dryer? [Ross turns and bangs his head on an open dryer door.] I'm fine, I'm fine. RACH: Are you sure? ROSS: No. [Scene: Central Perk. Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are there. Ross has an icepack to his head.] RACH: Oh, are you sure you're ok? ROSS: Yeah. RACH: Does it still hurt? ROSS: Yeah. PHOE: [seeing Rachel's clothes] What a neat idea. All your clothes match. I'm gonna do this. [Monica and Joey enter.] MNCA: Hi. PHOE: Hey, how'd it go? JOEY: Excellent. MNCA: We ripped that couple apart, and kept the pieces for ourselves. ROSS: What a beautiful story. Hey, I'm fine by the way. MNCA: [notices his head] Oh, I'm sorry. RACH: Where's Chandler? PHOE: Oh, he needed some time to grieve. [Chandler runs by the window outside, joyous.] CHAN: I'm free! I'm free! PHOE: That oughta do it.	Plan: A: Chandler; Q: Who had a harder time breaking up with Janice? A: their partners; Q: Who do Chandler and Phoebe decide to break up with? A: Maggie Wheeler; Q: Who is Janice's partner? A: Tony; Q: Who did Phoebe break up with? A: Phoebe's break-up; Q: What does Chandler need help with? A: Ross; Q: Who encourages Rachel to stand up to a pushy woman? A: Rachel; Q: Who does Ross do laundry with? A: the laundromat; Q: Where did Ross and Rachel get a platonic kiss? A: a platonic kiss; Q: What does Ross get from Rachel for standing up to a pushy woman? A: Joey; Q: Who wants to date his ex-girlfriend? A: Bob; Q: Who is Angela seeing? A: a double-date; Q: What does Joey arrange with Monica and Bob? A: Monica; Q: Who thinks Joey is setting her up with Bob? A: siblings; Q: What did Joey tell Monica that Angela and Bob were? A: a rude awakening; Q: What does Monica get when she sees Angela and Bob behaving inappropriately? Summary: Chandler and Phoebe decide to break up with their partners, Janice ( Maggie Wheeler ) and Tony, respectively, at the same time. Phoebe's break-up goes well, but Chandler has a harder time, requiring Phoebe's help. Ross and Rachel do laundry together, though Rachel has never done it before. While at the laundromat, Ross encourages Rachel to stand up to a pushy woman, earning him a platonic kiss from Rachel. Joey wants to date his ex-girlfriend (Angela) who is now seeing Bob, so he arranges a double-date with Monica and the couple, telling Monica that Angela and Bob are siblings. Monica, who thinks Joey is setting her up with Bob, gets a rude awakening after seeing the "siblings" behaving 'inappropriately.'
Scene 1 -- The Old Compton House -- Sookie is standing on the porch. A woman vampire (Diane) and a male vampire (Malcolm) are standing in the doorway, showing their fangs and snarling at Sookie. There's a bald, tattooed vampire (Liam) standing behind Sookie doing the same thing. Malcolm (speaking slowly): Maybe you ought to come on inside. Sookie: Are you trying to glamour me? Malcolm: Yes! Sookie: That doesn't work on me. Liam: Why not? Sookie: I don't know. It just doesn't. Is Bill available? Bill (not seen): Let her in. (Diane and Malcolm block Sookie's way and stare at her menacingly.) Bill (not seen): Diane! Let her in. Diane (sighs): Oh, <snip> him. Malcolm: You have. (Diane and Malcolm draw apart, leaving a passageway between them for Sookie to enter the house. Sookie slowly walks by them and into the living room. There's a young man (Jerry), seated on one of the sofas and a woman (Janella), laying on the other sofa. Bill is seated in a corner of the room facing Sookie. The other three vampires follow Sookie into the room.) Sookie (to the three vampires): If y'all excuse me and Bill a minute, we have some business to attend to. Diane (to Bill about Sookie): Where'd you find this? Liam: Damn. She smells <snip> sweet! Malcolm: And to think just five minutes ago you were telling us how you were living mainly on synthetic blood. You big poseur. Diane: I don't know, Malcolm. She looks like a virgin to me. Sookie: That's none of your damn business, you nosy bitch! Diane: It is my business, cupcake. You wanna know why? Because virgin blood ... is the best-tasting blood ... there is. Well, second best. The best would be... Liam: Baby's blood. (Fast as lightning, Liam grabs Sookie and draws her close to him.) Liam: I get <snip> just thinking about it. (Liam pushes Sookie's head to one side, exposing her neck.) Liam: Ladies first. (As Diane draws near to Sookie's throat, Bill quickly gets up out of the chair.) Bill: Stop! Sookie is mine. Cut to opening credits to the tune of "Bad Things" by Jace Everett Scene 1 continued Malcolm: Well! If you're Bill's, I certainly don't want to do anything to disturb your little arrangement. That's why I always bring Jerry with me ... wherever I go. He's like mad money. Liam: Somebody needs to get down on <snip>. (As Malcolm and Diane sit down on the sofa near Jerry, Janella gets up and crosses over to Liam.) Diane (laughing and looking at Sookie): Aw ... She's innocent. Bill: She's mine. Diane: Yeah, yeah, we got it. Diane (to Sookie): So, why aren't you over there taking care of your master, human? Can't you see how hungry he is? Malcolm: Uh ... Bill, if you're hungry you're more than welcome to have some of Jerry. (Jerry gets up and crosses over to the opposite sofa and sits down in front of Bill. Jerry bends his head and exposes his neck for Bill.) Liam (not seen): Come on, <snip> it. (Bill stares at Jerry's neck. Then, glancing at Sookie, Bill's fangs descend. Bill struggles to resist but finds he cannot. He starts to draw close to Jerry's neck.) Jerry (thinking): Stick them in already! Get infected, you <snip> vampire <snip>! Come on, do it! Let's see how you like hep D. You <snip> ain't be able to move for like a year. Sookie: Stop, he has hep D! (The room is suddenly quiet as everyone looks at Sookie.) Sookie: What is hep D? (Jerry gets up and rushes at Sookie. He grabs her around the throat and starts choking her!) Jerry (thinking): <snip> bitch! How does she know?! There's no way! I didn't tell a soul ... Jerry (speaking): These <snip> killed Marcus! Jerry (thinking): If he hadn't gotten hooked on V, he never would have left me. We would've been... (Suddenly, Bill grabs Jerry's arm, forcing him away from Sookie. With one swift movement, Bill breaks Jerry's arm and propels him across the room back to the sofa. Malcolm quickly crosses over to Jerry as Bill kneels down next to Sookie and gently cradles her head with his hands.) Malcolm: Well, this has all been very ... illuminating. But we've got a long ride back to Monroe, and I'm sure we'll all wanna have a little talk with Jerry ... when he wakes up. (Malcolm grabs Jerry and throws him over his shoulder.) Liam: Out, Janella. We're being evicted. Diane: Hey! ... Isn't anyone even the slightest bit interested in how this little bitch knew about Jerry? Bill (to Sookie): You can't speak yet, can you, sweetheart? (Diane quickly moves over to Sookie and stares into her face.) Diane: I could make her talk. Bill: Diane ... You forget. Diane: Yeah, yeah ... She's yours. Whatever. Malcolm: Jerry, you stupid bitch. Nobody <snip> with me and gets away with it. (The three vampires exit, Jerry slung over Malcolm's shoulder and Janella walking with Liam. Bill gently raises Sookie into a sitting position. She quickly turns her back on him. Bill slowly gets up and walks across the room.) Bill: I'm sorry you had to witness that. Their visit was unexpected. Sookie: What's hep D? Bill: Hepatitis D is the only blood-borne pathogen to which we are susceptible. Malcolm must be furious. Sookie: Hepatitis? Bill: A mutation. Relatively harmless to humans, oddly enough. Sookie: I've never even heard of it. Bill: That's because we've kept it out of the media. Sookie: And it makes you sick for a year? Bill: No ... just makes us weak for about a month or so. The biggest danger to us from hep D is being captured and staked during that time. Sookie: Yeah ... you don't want your weaknesses to be public knowledge. Bill: Precisely. Sookie: And what the hell did you mean, "Sookie is mine"?! Bill: I was communicating to the others that you were my human, and therefore I was the only one who could feed on you. Sookie: You most certainly cannot feed on me! Bill: Of course I can't, Sookie! But had they known that, they'd have considered you fair game, and I wouldn't have been able to stop them from attacking you. It'd be three against one, and Malcolm is much older than I am and quite strong. Sookie: And you and Diane dated? Bill: We... had sx once ... just after she was made a vampire, back in the late 1930s. Sookie: What? Gross. Bill ... she's so ... they're all so mean ... so... Bill: Evil. Yes, they are. They share a nest -- and when vampires live in nests they become more cruel, more vicious. They become laws unto themselves. Whereas vampires such as I, who live alone, much more likely to hang onto some semblance of our former humanity. Sookie: Here. Contact info for two electrical contractors. They're willing to come out at night and give you quotes. Bill: Thank you. Sookie: I have to go. Bill: May I kiss you goodnight? Sookie: No! I couldn't stand it after them. (Bill stares after Sookie as she leaves the house.) Scene 2 -- Merlotte's Bar and Grill -- Sam and Tara are cleaning up after hours. Sam carries a case of beer to the refrigerator behind the bar and starts stocking it. Tara stands at the bar cleaning glasses. Sam: Why you still here? Tara: I don't wanna go home. Sam: OK. (Dawn walks by on her way out the door.) Dawn: Night, y'all. Sam: Night, Dawn. Tara: Night. Tara (to Sam): Can I have one of those? Sam: Uh ... I guess ... long as you're not on the clock. (Sam grabs two beers, hands one to Tara and after setting his aside, goes back to stocking the refrigerator.) Tara: Sam, you think Sookie's gettin' serious about that vampire? Sam: I think she's gettin' to know him. And once she does, I don't think she'll be gettin' too serious about him. Tara: I think he's gettin' pretty damn serious about her. (Sam quickly looks over at Tara.) Sam: How so? Tara: I was over at the Stackhouses' last night. He came over to call on Sookie ... all cleaned up and smellin' nice ... lookin' like he just stepped out of some piece of <snip> movie about plantations and <snip>. Do you know he actually owned slaves? Least he could've done was apologize to me. Sam: How did Miss Stackhouse seem to feel about a vampire being in her house, interested in her granddaughter? Tara: Sam, she seemed like she was in seventh heaven. It was <snip> weird. (Sam sighs and then returns his attention to stocking the refrigerator.) Tara: You know you don't have anybody to blame but yourself. It's obvious you're carrying a big one for Sookie. I've known it ever since I met you. Sam: That's really not any of your business, now, is it? Tara: She's always been ... well ... peculiar around men. I mean, she's not gonna make the first move. Sam: Do I have to remind you that I'm your boss? Tara: Oh come on, Sam! Don't even try to pull any of that "workin' for the man" <snip> with me. You should've said somethin', and you know it. How come you never have? Sam: How come you never said anything to Jason? Tara: Because I'm comfortable with him being right where he is, which is unattainable. Which is part of my whole <snip> thing -- low self-esteem, childhood trauma, blah-blah, snore. What's your excuse? Sam: You know ... not everybody likes to lay their guts out on the table like that, Tara. Tara: Yeah, they might not like it, but they all dream about finding somebody they can do it with. Sam (sighs) : You know, the funny thing is? I kind of did let Sookie know for the first time night before last ... not even a minute before that vampire walked through my front door. Tara: Well, if I were you, I would get in there right now while you still got a shot. Sam: No, you wouldn't. You just said so yourself. (Tara and Sam each take a drink of their beers. Sam thinks for a minute and then looks back at Tara.) Sam: She can't hear his thoughts. Tara: For real?! Well hell, that explains everything. Sam: I told her she can listen to my thoughts whenever she wanted to. Tara: No, see, she doesn't wanna listen to any body's thoughts. She wants to not hear 'em. But that requires constant work on her part. And now she's met somebody and she can drop all that effort and just relax... Oh, man, you don't stand a chance. I'm really sorry, but you don't. Sam: You know, you can go home anytime you want, Tara. Tara: No, I can't. Really. Scene 3 -- Dawn arrives home after work. She laughs as she hurries into the house thinking of Jason tied to the headboard of the bed. Arriving at the bedroom, she flips the light on -- smile fading as she stares at the empty bed. Suddenly, someone attacks her from behind and wraps an arm around her neck! Attacker(wearing a hood -- voice low and menacing): You kept me waiting. Dawn (as she struggles): Oh, God. Attacker : I don't like to wait. I need to taste you again. (Dawn continues to struggle but she doesn't appear as frightened any more.) Dawn: Come on, Jason. Attacker: I probably should've told you I've got a highly addictive nature. I'm ... I'm gonna get some more of that sweet stuff out of you. I guess you don't have too much of a problem with that. (The attacker throws Dawn on the bed and looms over her. Dawn is struggling and the fear has returned.) Attacker: Don't fight me. Because I will hurt you. What are you to me? Just another idiot <snip> who puts out for vampires. Here we go. I know you liked it. (Dawn raises up but the attacker pushes her back down.) Attacker: Slow down. I'm in no hurry. I just drained that poor <snip> you left tied up to the bed. Very considerate of you, by the way. Dawn: Oh, God! Where is he? Oh, no! (Dawn starts screaming again and renews her frantic struggle.) Attacker: Which part of him? Dawn: This isn't happening! This isn't happening! Attacker: What do you expect me to do? You lay him out like an all-you-can-eat buffet ... although he did put up quite a fight. (Dawn desperately reaches for something on the nightstand. While her back is turned, the attacker rips his hood off -- revealing Jason! He flips her back around. Dawn screams and then grows quiet as she sees Jason's face. Jason laughs, raises up and does a few dance moves. ) Dawn (slapping Jason's face): You! Jason (laughs): Oh yeah! (Dawn begins to beat Jason with her fists.) Dawn: That is not funny. That is not funny! You... Jason: Yes! Yes! Yes! (Jason grabs Dawn and holds her until she stops hitting him.) Jason: Just think of it as foreplay, baby. (Dawn slaps Jason's face twice.) Jason: Do it again. Do it again. Give me some of that sweet stuff. (Jason roars, Dawn starts laughing, then they fall back onto the bed.) Scene 4 -- Gran and Sookie's house -- Sookie drives up to the house and parks. She stares at the house, takes a deep breath and wipes the tears from her eyes. Once composed, she begins to approach the porch. She glances down to put her keys away and is startled when she looks up and finds Bill standing in front of her. Sookie: <snip> damn it, Bill! How many times do I have to tell you, do not do that?! Bill: I'm sorry. It wasn't intentional. I just got here. I wanted to make sure that you were safe. (Bill descends the porch steps. Then he and Sookie stare at each other in silence.) Sookie: Why can't I hear your thoughts? Do you even have any thoughts? Bill: Oh, I have thoughts ... many lifetimes of thoughts. Sookie: So why can't I hear them? Bill: I don't know. Perhaps it's 'cause I don't have brain waves. Sookie: Why not? Bill: Because I'm dead. Sookie: No, you're not. You're standin' here, talkin' to me. Bill: I have no heartbeat. I have no need to breathe. There are no electrical impulses in my body. What animates you no longer animates me. Sookie: What does animate you, then? Blood? How do you digest it if nothing works? Bill: Magic. Sookie: Oh, come on, Bill! I may look naive, but I'm not! And you ... you need to remember that. Bill: You think that it's not magic that keeps you alive? Just 'cause you understand the mechanics of how something works doesn't make it any less of a miracle, which is just another word for magic. We're all kept alive by magic, Sookie. My magic's just a little different from yours, that's all. Sookie: I think we need to stop seein' each other. (Sookie turns and runs up the porch steps.) Bill: Why?! Sookie (standing on the porch): Because you don't breathe! You don't have any electrical whatever-it-is! Your friends would like nothin' more than to rip my throat out! And because vampires killed that preacher from the Fellowship of the Sun church and his wife and baby! You look me in the eye and tell me they didn't do it! Bill: Humans have killed millions upon millions in senseless wars. I do not hold you responsible for that. Sookie: Bill, night before last, I had to bury my bloody clothes because I didn't want my grandmother to find out I was almost killed. And tonight, I was almost killed again! Why on earth would I continue seeing you? (Bill walks up the steps and stands facing Sookie.) Bill: Because you will never find a human man you can be yourself with. (Sookie shakes her head and turns to go into the house.) Bill (grabbing her arm): Sookie! (Sookie pushes his hand away.) Sookie: Do not touch me! Just go, please. (Sookie goes into the house and closes the door.) Scene 5 -- Sam's house trailer -- Tara is sitting on Sam's front porch. Sam exits the trailer and hands Tara a drink. Tara: Thanks. Sam: So... Can I ask you a personal question? Tara: Sure. Sam: Why is it you don't wanna go home? Tara (Tara holds up her drink): This right here. My mama's a drunk. Not just a slurs-her-words drunk, a ... waking-up-in-her-own-vomit kind of drunk. Sam: I'm sorry. Tara: I just can't be around her when she's gone like that. Sam: Yeah. Tara: I know she may end up dying ... lighting herself on fire with a lit cigarette, but ... I can't. I won't. So, see, not only is the whole situation horrible, my guilt about it just makes it that much worse. Sam: Why don't you get your own place? Tara: Why don't you give me a raise? Sam: Had she ever tried AA? Tara: She doesn't need AA, Sam. She's got Jesus. Tara: Can I ... ask you a personal question? Sam: Hold on. (Sam takes a drink from his glass.) Sam(smiling): All right. Tara: Are you lonely? Sam: Yes ... I am. I am very... very lonely. Tara: How come you don't have a girlfriend? Plenty of women in this town will go for you. Sam: I don't know if that's true. Tara: You're hot -- you have a job -- you're not a serial killer ... Sam (laughing): Yeah! Who could resist that? Tara: Well ... Sam: Why don't you have a boyfriend? Tara: Uh ... we're not talking about me right now. Sam: Yeah, well... I just have a hard time opening up, that's all. Tara: Oh, please. What have you got to hide that's so <snip> bad in this <snip> town? Sam: No, Tara. I said I have a hard time opening up, and I meant it. I'm not gonna do it. Tara: Don't you ever get <snip>? Sam: Sure. Tara: How long has it been since you've had sx? Sam: A few months. Tara: That sucks. Sam: How about you? Tara: Eight months, three weeks. Sam: That sucks. Tara: You don't know! Ah ... well ... well, I guess you do. (They both laugh at that.) Sam: Hey, you want another one? Tara: Are you kidding? I'm an adult child of an alcoholic. I'll need at least three more. Sam: All right. I'll be right back. Tara: OK. (Sam goes back into the trailer, leaving Tara alone with her thoughts. She lets her hair down and glances over at the door to the trailer. A minute later, she's opening that door and going inside.) Tara: So maybe you and I should sleep together. Sam (laughs): Yeah, right. Tara: No, I mean, we're grownups ... no strings ... friends with benefits. Sam: Tara, you're my employee. Tara: Sam ... aren't you sick of not getting laid? I know I am. Sam: Yeah, but that doesn't mean we ... Tara: You have condoms? Sam: Tara ... that's a terrible idea. Tara: All right ... whatever! I mean, I am not lookin' for a boyfriend -- especially one who could fire me. (Tara takes her drink from Sam and then stretches out on the sofa.) Tara: This would strictly be a one-time deal. We never even have to mention it again. Sam: No! Tara: Suit yourself. Sam (after thinking for a minute): You really think you'd be able to forget about it and not let it affect our working relationship? Tara: I've had to do much harder things than that in my life, believe me. Sam: Because if it got weird, I'd probably have to let you go. Tara: Big deal! Didn't even wanna hire me in the first place. Sam: OK. Tara: Yeah?! Great. (Sam puts his drink down and joins Tara on the sofa.) Sam: You feel nice. Tara: Yeah, I know I do. Scene 6 -- Dawn's house -- Jason and Dawn are having sx. At one point, Jason looks down at Dawn and imagines seeing the bald -- tattooed vampire (Liam) in her place. He closes his eyes but can't get the picture out of his head. Jason turns away from Dawn and lays down -- no longer interested in sx. Dawn: What's wrong? Jason, baby. What is it? Jason: I hate that you've been with vampires. Dawn: And how exactly is that any of your business? Jason: They're <snip> up, Dawn. They're freaks. They're <snip> dead! What's wrong with you, letting something nasty like that even touch you? Dawn: For your information, that was the best sx I ever had in my life. And who are you to judge?! You <snip> anything with a space between its legs.! Jason: You're lyin' "that was the best sx you ever had"! You told me I was the best sx you ever had! Dawn: And then you stopped callin' ... and comin' to Merlotte's ... and then ... I met that vampire. Jason: Which vampire? Bald-headed, tattoos, crazy? Dawn(laughing): No, actually, he had a lot of hair. I met him in Shreveport at the vampire bar. Jason: And you just let him bite you? Dawn: Yeah, and I'm not... I'm not ashamed of that. Jason: Yeah, you ought to be. Dawn: You ought to get off your high horse. Jason: Is that who you thought I was tonight? When you started rubbin' up against me like a cat in heat? Dawn: No, baby, I knew all along it was you. Jason: You're a lying sack of <snip>. You would <snip> that vampire and let him bite you if he showed up tonight. Dawn: All right! Now this ... is getting boring! And I think you should leave. Jason(laughs): And you gonna throw me out? I don't think so. Dawn: This is my house! Jason: And I ain't goin' nowhere. Dawn (getting dressed): God, just because you lost your hard-on doesn't mean you have to have a <snip> meltdown! Believe it or not,Jason -- the world does not revolve around your <snip>! Jason: Where are you goin' ? (Dawn goes into the other room -- continuing to talk.) Dawn: To get a cigarette! It isn't like I don't know that you're a great <snip>. It happens to every guy at some point or another. (Jason removes his condom and throws it down toward the nightstand.) Jason: Would you stop talking about it, please?! (Dawn returns to the bedroom with a gun! She points it directly at Jason.) Dawn: Every guy except for vampires. (Jason starts laughing and points his finger at Dawn.) Dawn: Does it look like I'm laughing? Jason (still laughing): Ah, you should be. (Jason pulls out some dental floss and starts flossing his teeth.) Dawn: You do not own me, Jason Stackhouse. And if I want you out of my house, you better get your sorry ass out of here! Jason: I ain't goin' nowhere. Dawn: Oh, yes, you are. (Dawn fires the gun toward the floor! Jason is startled and starts fumbling around with the blanket, trying to get up out of the bed. Gun raised and pointed toward Jason, Dawn starts walking toward the bed.) Dawn: You are obnoxious and full of yourself and dumber than a box of hair -- and now you can't even get it up? There's no reason why I should be seeing you anymore. Jason: You're <snip> crazy. Dawn: You bet your sweet ass I am. Now get the <snip> out of my house! Jason: Let me get my pants on. Dawn: Hmm... I don't think I feel like waiting. (Dawn fires the gun toward the floor again!) Dawn: Get the <snip> out! Jason: <snip> damn it, woman! (Jason runs out of the house. Dawn comes running out after him and throws the rest of his clothes at him.) Dawn: That's right, you get the <snip> out of my house! Limp <snip> <snip>! Why don't you go try and <snip> your grandmother with that limp <snip>! (Dawn goes back into the house as Jason rushes back up to the porch. He stands yelling at the door.) Jason: Bitch! I can get it up! Bitch! (Jason starts to leave the porch when the next door neighbor -- an older woman -- comes out to see what all the noise is about.) Jason (to the neighbor): Yeah, you heard me. Your neighbor's a crazy bitch! (The neighbor goes back into the house and Jason gets into his truck.) Jason: <snip> damn bloodsuckers! <snip>! Scene 7 -- Bill Compton's house -- Bill is sitting in the living room reading a book. There are numerous kerosene lanterns lit and casting a soft glow on the room. Suddenly, feeling a presence, Bill bolts up and turns around, fangs bared. Bill: Sookie, don't ever sneak up on a vampire. What are you doing here? Sookie (in nightgown): All right, here's the deal ... and this is a little embarrassin'. I've never been with a man intimately, for all the reasons I told you about. But ... I feel things when I'm with you that make me think and ... I know this could be a huge mistake -- one I will regret forever ... but it feels like you're the one that I'm supposed to, you know ... do it with. And ... I'm really nervous about that ... and frankly -- I'm scared to death of you. So can we just get it out of the way already so I can relax and get a good night's sleep? (Bill draws close to kiss Sookie.) Sookie: Just ... just don't bite me, OK? (Bill and Sookie slowly begin to kiss each other. Bill gently slips Sookie's nightgown off. As their passion begins to build the scene shifts to Sookie in her own bed -- dreaming. Slowly she wakes up and her eyes wander over to her cat, Tina, who is purring as she watches Sookie. Sookie, suddenly wide awake, removes her hand from under the blanket.) Sookie (loud whisper to Tina): Stop that! Scene 8 -- Sam Merlotte's house trailer -- A dog barks. Tara lays in the bed next to Sam, who is sleeping. Tara raises up and looks at Sam as he moans and growls in his sleep. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 9 -- Jason's house -- Jason drives up and goes inside his house. After turning on the light, he tosses his clothes and keys down and then gets a beer from the refrigerator. He sits down and uses the remote to turn on the television. The first program is an old black and white horror classic and Basil Rathbone is staking a woman vampire. Jason : You gotta be kiddin' me! (Jason changes channels and the next program is a talk show. There are three people seated and talking to each other -- the late Reverend Newlin's son, a man in a white suit, a big-haired blond with a lot of make-up.) Rev. Newlin's son: ... but the vampires assassinated my father, because of his campaign against the vampire agenda. White suit guy: Theodore Newlin is a hero -- first casualty in World War III. Big-Haired Blond: Amen. Rev. Newlin's son: It's Armageddon. Big-Haired Blond: Amen! (Jason (raising his beer): Amen!) Rev. Newlin's son: ... I intend to continue my father's work because ... (Jason switches channels again. This program is on bats.) Narrator: Vampire bats are bats that feed on blood, feeding on the blood of animals like cows, pigs and horses. The vampire bat requires about two tablespoons ... Jason (turning off the TV): Damn it! Scene 10 -- The home of vampires, Malcolm, Diane and Liam (in Monroe?). The three vampires are in the living room. There's a few lamps on and many lit candles scattered throughout on the tables. Diane: Oh, Malcolm. Come on, baby. Malcolm: Damn. I really liked Jerry. Diane: Don't worry. We'll find you another hot little blood bank. Liam: Let's go down to LSU tomorrow night and raid us a frat house. Diane: Ooh yes! I'm in the mood for something dumb, thick and juicy. (Someone knocks on the door. With lightning speed Malcolm gets up and opens the door. Bill Compton silently walks in.) Liam: What luck. Malcolm: Everyone's favorite buzz-kill. Diane: Hey, baby. Liam: Yo, Mr. Main Street. Thirsty? (Liam offers Bill a glass of blood.) Bill: No. Diane: Hungry for something else? I remember you having a very sizable ... appetite. (Bill throws Diane across the room! Everyone's fangs come out as she recovers and strides back to Bill.) Bill: The three of you will stay away from me and Sookie from now on. Malcolm: I'm your elder. You have no authority here. Bill: There are higher authorities. Malcolm: I'm not afraid of Eric. Bill: Higher than him. Malcolm: Well, then, she can speak to me. Diane: She can suck on sunlight for all I care. Bill: You know, you're doing nothing to help our cause. Diane: Not everyone wants to dress up and play human, Bill. Liam: Yeah! Not everybody wants to live off that Japanese <snip> they call blood, either -- as if we could. Bill: We have to moderate our behavior now that we are out in the open. Malcolm: Not everybody thinks it was such a great idea. And not everybody intends to tow the party line. Honey, if we can't kill people, what's the point of being a vampire? Bill: Where's Jerry? Malcolm: We left him on the side of I-20. Well, most of him, anyway. I kept a souvenir or two. Liam: Janella felt so bad about what Jerry did, she made the ultimate sacrifice. (Bill walks to another room. There he sees Janella, hanging upside down -- her blood dripping into a bucket beneath her.) Bill: You know, you all make me sick. Diane: You used to be fun. This all on account of that little blond breather? Bill: If you insist on flaunting your ways in front of mortals, there will be consequences. (With vampire speed, Bill exits the house, closing the door behind him.) Malcolm: <snip>! Scene 11 Sam's house trailer. -- It's early morning as Sam wakes up. The bed beside him is empty. Sam looks around but doesn't see Tara anywhere. Scene 12 -- Tara and Lettie Mae's home -- Tara drives up to her house and parks her car. She slips through the front door but doesn't make it all the way in, when her mother hits her over the head with a big heavy book! Tara cries out in pain and holding her head, stumbles across the room. Lettie Mae: Where the hell you been, you dirty whore?! Tara: Mama! Lettie Mae: Out all night doing all kinds of God-know-what! You the devil, child! You ain't no child of mine! (Lettie Mae takes another swing at Tara with the book, but misses when Tara avoids the blow. The force of her swing causes Lettie Mae to fall to her knees -- hands landing on the coffee table.) Tara: Oh, Jesus! Lettie Mae: Jesus ain't gonna help you! Tara: Yeah, that's been clear for quite some time. Lettie Mae: You sass the Lord and I will kick your skinny ass, you hear me?! Tara: You can't even stand up ... you pathetic, ugly old bitch! (Lettie Mae, now sitting on the floor, looks up at Tara, grabs her chest and begins to cry.) Tara(softly): <snip>. Oh, mama. (Tara goes over to help her crying mother.) Lettie Mae: I ain't ugly! Tara: Mama, why do you wanna do this to yourself? Lettie Mae: If Jesus was here, he'd take one look at you and he'd apologize for giving me such a spiteful child! Tara: You kidding? Jesus wouldn't even set foot inside this house, not with the way you smell. Now, let's just go and take a shower. OK? I'm gonna help you up. (As Tara is helping her mother up, Lettie Mae grabs a liquor bottle and bashes it against the side of Tara's head.) Lettie Mae (screams): Who's ugly now?! Tara: All right. You may have carried me ... and nursed me ... but obviously you are now set on killing me! And if I'm forced to choose between you and me, guess what? You lose. (Tara grabs her keys and starts for the door.) Lettie Mae: You get back here! You help me up! Tara (crying): You on your own, old woman! Scene 13 -- Gran and Sookie's house -- Sookie is mowing the lawn. Gran: Sookie! (Sookie hears Gran calling her name. She stops the mower and looks over at her grandmother.) Gran: You're gonna faint out here in this heat, honey! It's barely 9:00 and already 80 degrees. Here. I made you some lemonade. Fresh-squeezed. Sookie: Thanks, Gran. Gran: Goodness, what has got into you? Sookie: I just need to stay busy right now, that's all. Gran: What? How long have you been... Sookie: I started uh ... when the sun came up. But I was up much earlier than that. I just stayed inside. Gran: Are you concerned about the vampire? Sookie, has he done something untoward? Sookie: No! No! Not at all. Well, I'm just thinking ... What I'm thinking is ... is stay away, but ... what I'm feeling... what I'm feeling ... with my whole body is ... somethin' else entirely and I don't know whether to trust my ... my head or... Gran (nodding wisely): Heart. Sookie: Yes. Gran: Well, that is a dilemma. Why don't you come on inside, and let me make you something to eat? If you're gonna be out workin' like a horse, you ought to at least to have somethin' in your stomach. Sookie: Oh no, thanks. I'm not hungry. Gran: I didn't ask ... if you were hungry. (Sookie looks at her grandmother and then follows her into the house. Back by an old tree, a silent collie stands and watches. After Sookie and Gran go into the house, the dogs races away.) Scene 14 -- Lafayette's house -- Someone is banging on his front door. Lafayette: I'm coming! Hell! Beating on my <snip> door! Damn! (Lafayette parts the blinds and sees that it's Tara. He unlocks the door and lets her in.) Tara: She hit me with a <snip> liquor bottle! My head is bleeding! Lafayette: Will you stop yelling? I got a guest. Tara: Oh, <snip>. Lafayette: He in the shower. Tara: Do you think I'll need stitches? Lafayette: Let me see. No! You're gonna put some peroxide on that ... then take two Vicodin with a big glass of red wine ... then smoke some bad-ass ganja, baby. By the time you wake up... all healed. Here -- one, two. Tara: Mind if I stay here for a while? Lafayette: Does it matter if I'm around? Tara: No Lafayette: Then do you. Tara: Damn. After, everything I've done for that woman. Lafayette: Poor baby. Here. (Lafayette passes a joint to Tara.) Lafayette: Suck on this. It'll make you feel lots better. (Lafayette's guest enters the living room. As he tucks in his shirt, he notices Tara.) Man: Uh ... hi. Lafayette: This is my cousin Tara. Tara, this is... Man: Duke... Duke Smith. Lafayette (laughing): Boyfriend, you are so not a duke. Man: Ah ... I left the uh ... in the ... uh ... Lafayette: Excellent ... excellent. (The man starts to leave, but Lafayette stops him pointing at the pot Tara is smoking.) Lafayette: For the road? Man: All right. (The man takes a hit and then smiles at Lafayette.) Man: Thank you. Call me when the ... comes in. Lafayette: I will. Ta-ta. Take care ... Duke. (The man leaves Lafayette's house.) Tara: What the hell was that? Lafayette: That was a state senator. Tara: You're a prostitute now?! Lafayette: I'm an entrepreneur. (Tara gives Lafayette a disbelieving look.) Lafayette: What? I'm supposed to be satisfied being a <snip> short-order cook and workin' on the road crew? Which is basically one step from the chain gang. But I ain't complainin', baby. No I ain't, 'cause it gives me this body. And this body's gonna be my <snip> ticket out. Yes, it is! How else am I gonna get ahead in this Podunk town? Already got a website. Shows due. Tara: What's wrong with us, Lafayette? You're a state-senator <snip> prostitute and I'm a bartender in a redneck bar who <snip> her boss ... who's in love with her best friend. Lafayette: Here just take another hit off this. Wait a minute, you slept with Sam. Tara: You know what? He barks in his sleep. Lafayette: Damn, white folks just all <snip> up. Tara: Yeah, that's what I said. Scene 15 -- Sam Merlotte's house trailer. Sam is sitting on the front steps, reading the newspaper. A collie barks and comes running up to him. Sam (pets dog): Hey! What's up, my brother? Sam (reading from the paper): Aw, hell! Starbucks comin' to Marthaville. I wonder if I just break down and get a <snip> damn cappuccino machine. (The dog starts whimpering. Sam starts petting him again.) Sam: Hey! You know what I really wish would come to Marthaville? Huh? Buffy ... a Blade ... or any one of those bad-ass vampire killers to take care of Mr. Compton. That's what I wish. You don't care about my problems at all, do you? You just want to play. Huh? One-track mind. (Sam grabs a ball and gets down off the steps. The dog starts barking and getting excited.) Sam: Ready? Ready? Go! Go get it! (Sam throws the ball and the dog takes off after it. Sam runs a few steps and watches the dog speed away.) Scene 16 -- Gran and Sookie's house. -- Gran is cooking breakfast while Sookie sits at the table. Sookie: Marthaville's gettin' a Starbucks. Gran: I cannot for the life of me see why anybody would spend $3 on a cup of coffee with too much milk. Sookie: Arlene told me, that people are less calcium-deficient than they used to be because of all the fancy coffee they drink nowadays. Gran: You know, I never thought of that, but it does make sense. (Gran sets her plate down on the table and then sits down to join Sookie for breakfast.) Sookie: Hey, Gran. Do you think I should continue seeing Bill? Gran: Sookie, I can't tell you that. I can tell you that I think he is a smart, handsome and very polite young man, but of course he's gonna show his best side to me so that I won't stand in the way of his courtin' you. Sookie: He scares me. Gran: Well, it is scary ... opening your heart up to somebody. Sookie: I think it's a little scarier ... the vampire then... the regular guy? Gran: I suppose. Bill is the first vampire I ever met ... that I know of. Sookie: Not scared that he would ever hurt me ... scared because ... I don't know what he's thinking. Gran: I would imagine that, that wouldn't be such a bad thing for you with your... ability. (Sookie gets up and takes her plate to the sink. Gran sighs and thinks about something -- seeming to make a decision.) Gran: You know, your grandfather used to know things. (Sookie straightens up over the sink with her back to Gran.) Sookie: What things? Gran: If somebody was having money problems -- running around behind their wife's back -- sick ... that kind of thing. Personal things they never would have told anybody about. Sookie (turning to face Gran): See, that's exactly it. If I don't stop myself from it, I hear everybody's deepest, darkest secrets. I'm sorry. That's just too much information! Gran: But then Earl's brother, your Great-Uncle Francis, came back from Korea in real bad shape -- all torn up from the things he'd seen. Earl knew he was thinking about killing himself. He went over there in the middle of the night one night. Francis was just about to kick the chair out from underneath him -- already had the noose around his neck. But Earl talked him out of it. I just think there is a purpose for everything that God creates, whether it's a unique ability or a cup of overpriced coffee with too much milk ... or a vampire. God will reveal that purpose when the time is right. (Sookie walks over, kisses Gran on the cheek and then starts going up the back stairs to the second floor. She stops mid-stride, and goes back down to the kitchen.) Sookie: Wait. I thought Great-Uncle Francis did kill himself, with a shotgun. Gran: Oh, yes, he did, but that was years later. Scene 17 -- Lafayette's house -- Someone is knocking at the door. Lafayette: Hold on, <snip> damn it! <snip>! What the damn <snip>?! (Lafayette opens the door and finds Jason standing there.) Lafayette: Well, hello ... hotness. Jason: Lafayette, I need your help. Lafayette: I am so glad you finally recognized that truth. Jason: You're wearing gold pants. (Lafayette turns on some music, then sits next to Jason on his sofa.) Lafayette: So, what you need? Jason: I ... Do you have any ... Viagra? Lafayette: What? Jason: Viagra. Do you have any Viagra? Lafayette (laughing): No. Jason: Seriously? I thought you had everything. Lafayette: Jason ... puppy dog ... Viagra is legal. You can buy it in the drugstore. Jason: Yeah, I know, but I need it now. Don't you have anything that would... Lafayette: Give you <snip> a saw couldn't cut through it? Jason: Yeah, that sounds good. I think. Lafayette: Yeah! I do. But it's very expensive. Jason: Well, how much? Lafayette: Six hundred a quarter of an ounce. Jason: Get the <snip> out of here! What in the hell's worth that kind of money?! (Lafayette opens up a small concealed refrigerator and gets out of vial of blood. He sits back down next to Jason, and holds up the vial.) Jason: When'd you start dealing V? Lafayette: When I realized there was a market for it. Now, I don't want this getting out, <snip>. Do you understand me? Jason: Yeah, yeah. Lafayette: The vamps don't take kindly to the juice dispenser. Jason: Where'd you get it? Lafayette: Let's just say I have an arrangement with a certain life-challenged individual who appreciate my multi-faceted talents. Jason: <snip> damn. Is there anybody who isn't <snip> vampires these days? Lafayette: Tell me something, lover. Do you wanna <snip> and have the best sx you have ever had for both you and your lady friend? Jason: Yes, yes, yes, yes! Lafayette: Take one, maybe two drops of this. No more. Any more and things might get a little intense, and I don't mean in a good way. Jason: Thanks, man. Appreciate it. (Jason starts to get up to leave, but Lafayette pulls him back down.) Lafayette: Ain't nothin' free in my world. Jason: Oh ... can I pay you later? I need to run to the bank. Lafayette: <snip>, who you think I am? (Lafayette gets up and locks the door.) Lafayette: I don't run a layaway program and I ain't interested in institutin' one. Jason: Aw come on, Lafayette. Isn't there some way you can let me pay you this afternoon? (Lafayette and Jason are now in another room. Jason has removed all of his clothes except his BVD's and watch. He's standing in front of a video camera that Lafayette has placed on a tripod.) Jason: <snip> damn it! I hate video cameras. Lafayette: You know how much you could make if you had your own website? Queens all over this world would pay good money just to watch you <snip>. Jason: Hey! You said all I had to do was dance! Lafayette: OK (Lafayette takes a remote out, presses it and the music starts.) Lafayette: Dance. Jason: Is anybody gonna see this who knows me? Lafayette: Probably. There's a lot of pervs in this town. Jason: OK, No way! That's not cool, man! (Jason picks up his clothes as Lafayette picks up a mask and holds it out to Jason.) Lafayette: Look, do you want the V or not? Jason: Give me the <snip> mask. Lafayette: That's my Jason. (As Jason puts on the mask, Tara comes up behind a curtain and sees Jason and Lafayette.) Tara (softly): What the <snip>? Lafayette: I like what you're working with. (Jason starts dancing.) Lafayette: Shake that ass. Ooh lover, you gonna make me clutch my pearls. Scene 18 -- Bill Compton's house. Sookie walks up the steps to the porch and looks through a window. The inside is dark and still. She sits down on the steps and looks around. The trees and sky shimmer and take on a brighter colors. As Sookie looks around she becomes aroused and then her cell phone rings. Sookie: Hello. Sam: Hey Sookie, it's Sam. Could you do me a favor? Sookie: Um ... sure ... maybe. Sam: Listen, I'm set to open for lunch in about 20 minutes, and Dawn still hasn't shown up for her shift. Sookie: Aw Sam, I really need my day off! Sam: No, no, I'm not asking you to come in. I just need you to run by Dawn's and wake her up. She probably just overslept. Sookie: OK (Sookie drives over to Dawn's house and starts knocking on the door.) Sookie: Dawn ... it's me, Sookie. Honey, you overslept. (Sookie opens the screen door and knocks on the inner door. Not getting any answer, Sookie tries the door handle and the door opens.) Sookie (entering): Dawn! Are you here? (Sookie walks through to the bedroom. The alarm is going off and there looks like there's been a struggle. Dawn is laying on the bed, eyes open. Sookie calls her name a few times but then realizes that Dawn will not be answering. Then Sookie screams.)	Plan: A: Sookie; Q: Who has a dream in which Bill takes her virginity? A: Malcolm; Q: Who offers to let Bill feed on Jerry? A: Diane; Q: Who wants to know how Sookie knew about Jerry's intentions? A: Liam; Q: Who is the third vampire that is trying to feed on Sookie? A: Bill; Q: Who tells the others to leave Sookie alone? A: a young human; Q: What is Jerry? A: a toy; Q: What is Jerry to the trio? A: Jerry's mind; Q: Where did Sookie look to see that Jerry had Hepatitis D? A: Hepatitis D; Q: What infection does Jerry have? A: the group; Q: Who does Bill get out of the door before they can ask any more questions? A: The incident; Q: What leaves Sookie shaken and with doubts about her relationship with Bill? A: Sam; Q: Who asks Sookie to go to Dawn's house? A: the night; Q: When do Sam and Tara close up at Merlotte's? A: a few drinks; Q: What do Sam and Tara share at Merlotte's? A: an arrangement; Q: What do Sam and Tara come to after talking about being lonely? A: her little game; Q: What does Dawn do with Jason that quickly turns into more rough sex? A: his erection; Q: What does Jason lose when he finds out that Dawn has been with vampires? A: an argument; Q: What does Dawn have with Jason about sex with vampires? A: Dawn's neighbor; Q: Who witnessed Dawn threatening Jason with a gun and throwing him out of her house? A: a visit; Q: What does Bill pay to Malcolm, Diane and Liam? A: his mainstreaming; Q: What do the three vampires criticize Bill for? A: Lettie Mae; Q: Who attacks Tara when she returns home? A: a whore; Q: What does Tara's mother call her? A: Lafayette; Q: Who does Tara go to for a place to stay after being attacked by her mother? A: a state senator; Q: Who is leaving Lafayette's house? A: Adele; Q: Who does Sookie talk to about her dream? A: another chance; Q: What does Sookie decide to give Bill after her dream? A: Lafayette's house; Q: Where does Jason go to get Viagra? A: only one or two drops; Q: How much blood does Lafayette tell Jason to take at a time? A: camera; Q: What does Lafayette have Jason dance on to get the blood? A: Lafayette's website; Q: Where does Lafayette want Jason to dance for? A: Jason's performance; Q: What does Tara get to see on Lafayette's website? A: work; Q: What did Dawn not show up for? A: Dawn's dead body; Q: What does Sookie find on Dawn's bed? Summary: In order to save Sookie from Malcolm, Diane and Liam, who are about to feed on her, Bill claims Sookie as his human, declaring "Sookie is mine." With Sookie safe, for the time being at least, Malcolm offers to let Bill feed on Jerry, a young human the trio carry around with them as a toy. Bill is about to feed, but Sookie looks into Jerry's mind and sees that he has Hepatitis D, an infection that infects only vampires. Now robbed of his chance at revenge for the loss of his boyfriend to vampire blood addiction, Jerry attacks Sookie, but Bill stops him and knocks him out. Diane wants to know how Sookie knew about Jerry's intentions, but Bill manages to get the group out the door before they can ask any more questions. The incident leaves Sookie shaken and with doubts about her relationship with Bill. At Merlotte's, Sam and Tara close up for the night and share a few drinks. They talk about being lonely and come to an arrangement, whereby they will have sex just once. Dawn returns home and her little game with Jason quickly turns into more rough sex. However, knowing that Dawn has been with vampires causes Jason to lose his erection and the two have an argument about sex with vampires, which results in Dawn threatening Jason with a gun and throwing him out of her house, all of which is witnessed by Dawn's neighbor. Bill pays a visit to Malcolm, Diane and Liam and tells them to leave Sookie alone. They criticize him for his mainstreaming and suggest that the Great Revelation was not a good idea. Tara returns home and is attacked by her alcoholic mother Lettie Mae, who calls her a whore and scares Tara out of the house. She drops in on Lafayette, just as a state senator is leaving his "appointment" and asks for a place to stay. Sookie has a dream in which Bill takes her virginity and, after a discussion with Adele, decides that she should give Bill another chance. Jason goes to Lafayette's house to get some Viagra, but ends up with a vial of vampire blood. Lafayette instructs him to take only one or two drops of blood at a time. To get it, Jason has to dance on camera for Lafayette's website and Tara gets a much appreciated view of Jason's performance. Sam asks Sookie to swing by Dawn's house, as she did not show up for work. Sookie obliges and finds Dawn's dead body sprawled out on her bed.
TIME-FLIGHT BY: PETER GRIMWADE Part Four Running time: 24:30 [SCENE_BREAK] NYSSA: That can't be so. DOCTOR: With the Xeraphin at the center of his TARDIS there's no limit to his powers. TEGAN: There must be something we can do. (The Doctor shakes his head.) TEGAN: Doctor! DOCTOR: Well, it would help if you could remember where you came in. NYSSA: Even if we found it we wouldn't be able to open it with the Xeraphin gone. DOCTOR: We'll have to resort to brute force! [SCENE_BREAK] (Outside the sanctum, the Master waves his tissue compression eliminator at the passengers of Victor-Foxtrot as they slowly file into his TARDIS. Once they're all inside, he follows and his TARDIS dematerializes, watched by Roger Scobie with a sort of incredulous and hopeless look on his face.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Inside the Doctor's TARDIS, which is hovering outside.) ANDREW BILTON: I thought this thing would never stabilize. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: I don't think we'll risk touching any more controls. Look for a radio,maybe we could send a mayday signal. ANDREW BILTON: Who's going to answer it? CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Perhaps the Doctor has a remote navigational... ANDREW BILTON: What's the matter? (Professor Hayter has appeared inside the TARDIS.) ANDREW BILTON: Where did you come from? [SCENE_BREAK] (Inside the sanctum.) TEGAN: It's no good, the walls solid. NYSSA: We need help from outside. TEGAN: Such as. NYSSA: The people that let the Doctor in. DOCTOR: How do you suggest we make contact? NYSSA: The TARDIS! (It materializes inside the sanctum. The Doctor creeps slowly around it, lifting a finger to the others in a 'shhh!' gesture. As he nears the corner, the door opens and Stapley and Bilton emerge.) DOCTOR: Captain Stapley! CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Doctor, am I glad to see you. TEGAN: Are we glad to see the TARDIS. DOCTOR: My dear Captain, you really are the most remarkable man to pilot the TARDIS, and with such precision! CAPTAIN STAPLEY: But... DOCTOR: Perhaps you could take us to the other side of that wall. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: What? DOCTOR: You have control as they say. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: I can't fly this thing. NYSSA: Then how did you pilot it here? ANDREW BILTON: Professor Hayter of course. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Yeah. Didn't you instruct Professor Hayter on how to fly the TARDIS? DOCTOR: No. ANDREW BILTON: Where is the Professor, he was here a moment ago. TEGAN: Professor Hayter is dead. ANDREW BILTON: Then what did we see, if it wasn't Hayter? DOCTOR: Must have been a telepathic projection. Perhaps he isn't really dead. TEGAN: But the man was atomized. NYSSA: No, he was absorbed into the Xeraphin life force. (Now back outside the sanctum, Roger Scobie hears the TARDIS and then sees it materialize. The Doctor is the first to come out.) ROGER SCOBIE: Doctor. DOCTOR: Hello. DOCTOR: Captain. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Roger I'm glad you're safe. ROGER SCOBIE: This place is really getting like Heathrow. DOCTOR: Have you seen another TARDIS? ROGER SCOBIE: Would that be something like a Greek pillar? DOCTOR: Could well be. DOCTOR: Yes, it vanished about ten minutes ago. NYSSA: Oh, we've lost him. DOCTOR: I don't think so. He's still in this time zone, he can't be far away. TEGAN: How do you know that. DOCTOR: In it's new state the Master's TARDIS won't be fully operational yet. He's got the nucleus all right, but he'll need to work on it. ROGER SCOBIE: What got me was all the people! DOCTOR: The passengers. ROGER SCOBIE: Yes, I've heard of a football team getting into a telephone kiosk but this was ridiculous. (The Doctor reacts by dashing back into the TARDIS. The others all follow him.) DOCTOR: Captain, your passengers are now in greater danger than ever before. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: How? DOCTOR: I'll explain later. Nyssa, I want you to take the TARDIS back to the Concorde cargo hold. Captain, I want you and your crew to get ready for take-off immediately. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Doctor, after that landing I doubt if the aircraft is safe to fly. DOCTOR: Wing and a prayer, Captain. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Well, if the damage isn't too bad we could always cannabalize Victor-Foxtrot. ANDREW BILTON: But what about a runway? DOCTOR: I'm sure you'll do your very best, Tegan come with me. Nyssa the coordinates are all set. [SCENE_BREAK] (Back outside, the TARDIS dematerializes.) DOCTOR: Keep your eyes open, the Master could be anywhere. (And the TARDIS rematerializes inside the Concorde cargo hold. Gradually the people inside climb out with a rather large amount of difficulty considering it's on its side.) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Andrew and I will start the cockpit check. Roger, I want you to do a walk around the whole aircraft. ROGER SCOBIE: Right, skipper. [SCENE_BREAK] (Back in Kalid's chamber the Doctor and Tegan enter.) TEGAN: He's not here. DOCTOR: And taken everything with him, including the bits of my TARDIS. TEGAN: The passengers, what about them? DOCTOR: Molecular disintegration, that's where the Master has a neat little store of protoplasm with which he can do anything he wants. TEGAN: Sort of melt them down? DOCTOR: In a manner of speaking. Let's get back to Captain Stapley. [SCENE_BREAK] (Outside near the Concorde landing gear.) ROGER SCOBIE: Hmm... well, the brake line's fractured and we've lost a lot of fluid. NYSSA: Is that bad? ROGER SCOBIE: Bad? It's a miracle! The undercarriage itself is virtually undamaged. We could probably nick the spares from Victor-Foxtrot. (He pauses and gets an odd look on his face. Clearly he sees something that bothers him - we get a quick shot of the Concorde in the distance.) ROGER SCOBIE: That's funny. NYSSA: What? ROGER SCOBIE: I thought I saw Victor-Foxtrot ... shimmer! Must be imagining things. (Elsewhere outside the Doctor and Tegan walk through the landscape. They stop near the same rocks where Nyssa had her freakout.) DOCTOR: There's something wrong. TEGAN: Well, I can't see anything. DOCTOR: No. No, you can't, can you? (They move on. Now back at the Concorde wheel strut.) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: What's the damage Roger? ROGER SCOBIE: Fractured brake line. ANDREW BILTON: Is that all? ROGER SCOBIE: As far as I can tell. Not a bad landing skipper. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Can you repair it? ROGER SCOBIE: With a bit of luck, and a bit of Victor-Foxtrot. There's only one problem though skipper, we'll need some compressed air for the start-up. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Ah, I'll take the tires off of numbers one and four wheels from Victor-Foxtrot. ANDREW BILTON: Do what? ROGER SCOBIE: Skipper, have you any idea how you jack up a hundred tons of aircraft? CAPTAIN STAPLEY: We dig a hole. ANDREW BILTON: What? ROGER SCOBIE: And with three and two wheels still in place you don't need to support the aircraft! ANDREW BILTON: I say! Brilliant! NYSSA: Where have you been? DOCTOR: I'll ah, I'll explain later. Where's my TARDIS? NYSSA: In the cargo hold of course. DOCTOR: Captain, is your aircraft all right? CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Well apart from some damage to the hydraulics. We'll take some bits off of Victor-Foxtrot. DOCTOR: Ah, not a good idea. NYSSA: Doctor, it would work! DOCTOR: If that were Concorde. ROGER SCOBIE: Well it is Concorde. DOCTOR: That aircraft was damaged. Now it's in perfect condition. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: We must be hallucinating again. DOCTOR: I'm afraid not. That's the Master's TARDIS. ROGER SCOBIE: But it's a plane. DOCTOR: The Master's operated his chameleon circuit. NYSSA: And materialized around the other aircraft. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Then Victor-Foxtrot ... DOCTOR: Is inside the Master's TARDIS of course. I wish I had time to explain dimensional transcendentalism. Look, I'm going into my TARDIS, you stay here. NYSSA: No, Doctor. It's too dangerous. DOCTOR: There's no other way. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: What are you going to do? NYSSA: The Doctor's going to materialize around the Master's TARDIS. TEGAN: You know what happened before. DOCTOR: There's no time for anything else. (Victor-Foxtrot, or rather the Master's TARDIS, vanishes.) NYSSA: We're too late. With the power of the Xeraphin the Master will be invincible! DOCTOR: Without the bits he stole from my TARDIS we can only travel in this time zone. TEGAN: We're stuck here. DOCTOR: I'm afraid so. (But the Master's TARDIS reappears.) DOCTOR: And so it would seem is the Master. Come on! MASTER: Devious to the last, Doctor. DOCTOR: Technical hitch? MASTER: Your substitution of the temporal limiter for the time lapse compressor. DOCTOR: Ah, well that's the way it goes if you will steal other people's property. What's he talking about Nyssa, have you been tampering with the TARDIS? NYSSA: Of course not. DOCTOR: Have you any idea what would have happened if I tried to go through with the ... . CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Doctor, Doctor I think I can explain. DOCTOR: You, Captain? CAPTAIN STAPLEY: You see when we were on the TARDIS I swapped some of the parts around. I thought it might put a spanner in the works. It was a stupid idea really. DOCTOR: Stupid? It was brilliant! (to the Master) Your prospects seem rather limited! MASTER: I can still operate my TARDIS. DOCTOR: Ah but such a restricted range. MASTER: Very well Doctor, what are you're terms? DOCTOR: You return all passengers, we have access to both aircraft, you return all the components of my TARDIS not necessary for the normal functioning of your machine. MASTER: And what will you give me? DOCTOR: The temporal limiter. NYSSA: Doctor, the nucleus of the Xeraphin. DOCTOR: He'll never give that up, without it his TARDIS is useless. (The Master gives a little nod and walks off.) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Has he agreed? DOCTOR: Well, we'll know that in a moment. ANDREW BILTON: Look! NYSSA: He's accepted. (The Master's TARDIS reappears nearby as a ionic column again.) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Is that the Master's TARDIS? NYSSA: Yes. (People start streaming out of the Master's TARDIS.) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: I don't believe it. ROGER SCOBIE: I'd think I'd rather hallucinate. DOCTOR: Captain, I'll need your aircraft ready for takeoff as soon as possible. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: We'll do our best. Roger, Andrew let's measure this ground for take-off. DOCTOR: Now, you two ... (pause) stay here. TEGAN: If the Doctor gives the Master a bit of the TARDIS, how do we get back? NYSSA: He must be giving him a redundant circuit. You know how the Doctor collects spare parts. (They look on. The Doctor approaches the Master who is standing near his TARDIS. The passengers are mulling about nearby. The Doctor receives components handed over by the Master, one by one.) DOCTOR: You seem to have mislaid the quantum accelerator. MASTER: Not at all, Doctor. You shall have it when you give me the correctly programmed temporal limiter. (The Doctor turns to the passengers.) DOCTOR: If you'll be so good as to follow me. MASTER: No, Doctor, they shall go when I permit them. [SCENE_BREAK] (Back at the landing gear, Scobie is working at the brake fluid lines or something like that, who really knows, it's just a prop anyway it doesn't really work. Not a bad prop, mind, but still the fluid that comes out as he (see how he uses that spanner!) tightens the nuts and bolts reminds me of just another type of green slime.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Inside the cargo hold the Doctor is half-in, half-out of the TARDIS when) (Stapley comes in.) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Oh Doctor I shall need an external power supply to start the engines. Four hundred cycles, a hundred fifteen volts. DOCTOR: Right, I'll run a line from the TARDIS. Oh, you'll need a compressed air supply. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: I'm using the air from the tires from Victor-Foxtrot. I'll take reducing valves and piping from the air conditioning system. [SCENE_BREAK] (Back near the aircraft, Scobie is working on the tires, excuse me, tyres, with hoses and, er, valves and piping from the air conditioning system. He's a regular A-Team guy, that Scobie.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Back inside the TARDIS, the Doctor is under the console while Nyssa looks lovingly at his shins.) NYSSA: Doctor, you haven't got the quantum accelerator back from the Master. DOCTOR: And he hasn't got the temporal limiter. The idea you see is to keep him waiting until we're ready to take-off. NYSSA: Why do we need Concorde. Can't we all go back in the TARDIS? DOCTOR: No, I need the TARDIS to deal with the Master. [SCENE_BREAK] (Back outside again, where Scobie, Bilton and Tegan are working on the tyres and the compressed air jury-rig setup.) (Then back into the TARDIS where Nyssa is unspooling some cable from a reel. The Doctor lies comfortably on the floor, seemingly relaxing, or perhaps even asleep.) NYSSA: Doctor, how are you going to deal with the Master? Doctor! (He opens his eyes and looks up.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Back outside, the Master looks like he's getting anxious.) DOCTOR: I'm thinking about it. [SCENE_BREAK] (Inside the Concorde cockpit.) ROGER SCOBIE: Hydraulics fixed. NYSSA: External power all right, Captain? CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Ah yes, tell the Doctor we're ready please. (she exits) I want to do a final walk around the aircraft while were waiting for the Doctor. [SCENE_BREAK] (Back outside, the Master comes up to Tegan and Bilton as they're working with their valves and stuff.) MASTER: I am impatient to leave this place, tell the Doctor I require the temporal limiter immediately. (He looks behind him at the important-looking passengers who look a bit like self-important Harper faculty on strike.) MASTER: Or I shall start to eliminate your passengers. [SCENE_BREAK] (Inside the TARDIS, Nyssa enters as the Doctor bounces a power supply off his chin.) NYSSA: Captain Stapley says the aircraft is ready. DOCTOR: Good, I just need a few more minutes. TEGAN: Doctor, hurry up, the Master's getting trigger happy out there. DOCTOR: Oh, well we better not keep him waiting. [SCENE_BREAK] (Back outside, then.) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: It looks fine, Roger. ROGER SCOBIE: There's no guarantee it will stand up to the take-off roll. No knowing what will happen going over this ground at two hundred knots. ANDREW BILTON: What happens when we get airborne? CAPTAIN STAPLEY: That rather depends on the Doctor, doesn't it. ROGER SCOBIE: Let's hope he knows what he's doing. (What he's doing is this. He approaches the Master holding his gifts of frankincense and myrrh. The Master holds a Heathkit crystal radio set. The Doctor gestures to the milling passengers that they are free to go, so they return to their classes.) DOCTOR: Please. MASTER: The quantum accelerator. DOCTOR: The temporal limiter. (They play a little game of give and take for a moment, but the Doctor doesn't cheat him.) MASTER: Thank you. Heheheheh. Should I say au revoir, Doctor? Hehehehehehehehehe. (The Master's TARDIS disappears.) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: I suppose he could end up anywhere in the universe. DOCTOR: Heathrow actually. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: What? DOCTOR: He's virtually running in a new TARDIS. In order to check out the temporal dimensions he'll need to track back the line of the time contour. ANDREW BILTON: He'll end up in London with that nucleus on board? DOCTOR: Yes. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Well that's disaster! DOCTOR: Quite right. Should we go on board? TEGAN: The passengers are coming to. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: The passengers are your responsibility Tegan. When you get them on board, stand by these tyres. TEGAN: Ladies and gentleman, we do apologize for the delay. Your flight is now ready for boarding. Would you care to proceed to your aircraft immediately? (The noisy faculty, er, passengers moooove toward the Concorde to board and continue their journey.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Inside the Doctor's TARDIS.) NYSSA: But the Master will get to Earth before us! DOCTOR: Not with my temporal limiter in-circuit. NYSSA: Why, doesn't it work? DOCTOR: Of course it does. You don't think I can fool the Master, do you? Mind you, there is, ah, an inhibition factor inherent in the programming. NYSSA: What does that mean? DOCTOR: He'll arrive after us. (He grins.) (Cockpit of the ... sorry Concorde.) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Air on number three engine. (Stock footage.) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Start number three engine. (Stock footage.) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Start number two engine. (Stock footage. Tegan footage.) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Air off, get Tegan in here. (Tegan footage.) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Start number one engine. Start number four engine. (Stock footage.) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: I will reverse thrust on three and four so I can turn the aircraft and clear that ramp. (The Doctor climbs out of the TARDIS in the hold. Stock footage.) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: I will abandon take-off prior to V1 only on the loss of two engines. DOCTOR: This is it? CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Yes Doctor, fasten your seatbelt for take-off please. At V2 we'll maintain our our climb out at theta two, at full power. Cross your fingers! This is it gentlemen. Three, two, one ... now. (Stock footage.) ROGER SCOBIE: Power checked. ANDREW BILTON: V1. Rotate. (The Concorde takes off with one of the worst stable colour separation overlays I've ever seen, showing the prehistoric set in the foreground. Then we get reaction shots of most of the people in the cockpit, including the Doctor.) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: What did I tell you Doctor, finest aircraft in the world! (It flies off over the prehistoric landscape.) ANDREW BILTON: V2. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Gear up. ANDREW BILTON: Yes sir. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Where to now Doctor? DOCTOR: Ah, I'll just program your flight computer. (First we see more Concorde stock footage. Then it's back in the TARDIS.) DOCTOR: Now, as we dematerialize, we reverse the process of the time contour and kick Concorde back onto it's original flight path. (Tegan and Nyssa look like they don't have a lot of confidence.) DOCTOR: With a bit of luck. (The Concorde in flight suddenly vanishes, but then reappears again. Inside the cockpit ... ) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: What's happening? ROGER SCOBIE: The center of gravity's shifted! The radio navigation's working! (Since we've missed air traffic control so much, we finally get to see them again.) CLIVE HORTON: Look! DOUGLAS SHEARD: It's not possible, from out of nowhere. CLIVE HORTON: Speedbird Concorde Gulf Alpha Charlie. [SCENE_BREAK] (Inside the cockpit Stapley answers with relief.) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Roger, Speedbird Concorde Gulf Alpha Charlie descending 350. We're back! (On a roof at Heathrow the TARDIS spews out Tegan, Nyssa and the Doctor.) DOCTOR: Well, it's Heathrow Airport. We appear to be on schedule for a change. (The Doctor promptly goes back inside. Overhead, the Concorde is coming in for its landing while Tegan and Nyssa watch. And we get to watch too. The whole thing. First it comes in to land, then it lands. And rolls for a while. Tegan walks over to the railing where Nyssa is standing. They both turn to watch a more mundane jet taking off.) NYSSA: What a funny way to travel. TEGAN: Kind of fun, though. NYSSA: You miss it, don't you. TEGAN: Oh, I don't know. It's not exactly dull traveling with the Doctor. (Nyssa spots some policemen coming out onto the roof and heading over to the TARDIS.) NYSSA: Doctor! DOCTOR: Ah, now what we need's a diversion. Now with a bit of luck, not to mention judgement. (As if on cue, the Master's TARDIS appears, hovering just above the Doctor's. The policemen stop their approach in surprise, and the Doctor runs into the police box. Nyssa follows him, and he closes the door.) NYSSA: The Master can't land! DOCTOR: No. Same coordinates as the TARDIS. But we got here first. Just! (He twists a control. The police box shimmers briefly, and quite suddenly the Master's TARDIS disappears with a zippy sound effect.) NYSSA: It's gone. DOCTOR: Knocked back into time-space like a straight six into the pavilion. NYSSA: The Xeraphin will never be able to regenerate. DOCTOR: Oh they stand a much better chance on their own planet. NYSSA: You sent them to Xerophas? But the radiation will ... DOCTOR: That was millions of years ago. The atmosphere will be perfectly clear by now. Not a very nice planet for the Master though. NYSSA: He'll just take off again. DOCTOR: Well I think with that extra energy on board my temporal limiter will need replacing. NYSSA: He's stuck on Xerophas? DOCTOR: Yes. Let's hope it's for good. (he operates some controls) Now! Where's Tegan? [SCENE_BREAK] (Inside Heathrow, Tegan's wandering about intoxicated again, probably looking for more alcohol. She listens to the tannoy voice, then reads some signs and stuff.) [SCENE_BREAK] (Inside the airport controller's office.) DOUGLAS SHEARD: The airline, not to mention Whitehall, is going to need a full explanation. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: We did rescue the passengers and crew. ROGER SCOBIE: And got our own plane back from a time warp. DOUGLAS SHEARD: Time warp indeed. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: The Doctor was absolutely right. We've been away for a hundred forty million years. ROGER SCOBIE: What about the overtime? DOUGLAS SHEARD: You we're only missing for twenty four hours, and what about Victor-Foxtrot? ANDREW BILTON: Victor-Foxtrot was never really lost. DOUGLAS SHEARD: What? ROGER SCOBIE: Should be on the other side of the sewage farm. ANDREW BILTON: Must have been beside the ruins of the citadel for a hundred and forty million years. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: You just have to dig it up. DOUGLAS SHEARD: Yes. Oh, not that police box again. (They all get up to leave.) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: It's the Doctor! [SCENE_BREAK] (Back on the roof, the Doctor is having a bit of a time trying to explain himself to the policemen.) DOCTOR: Ah, well. Really officer we're.. we're just in.. in transit as it were. Ah, CAPTAIN STAPLEY: just ah, just ah. Captain Stapley! I trust you had a good flight. You're amazing Doctor. DOCTOR: Ah, you know my friend the airport controller, I'm sure he can give you a full explanation. DOUGLAS SHEARD: I think I'm entitled to a few explanations. DOCTOR: Ah, well, ah, ah, I'll just make ah, ah quick phone call which should clear the whole thing up. DOUGLAS SHEARD: I thought the Doctor was on Concorde with you. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Absolutely, but you see that police box is really a spaceship in disguise. ANDREW BILTON: And it's called the TARDIS. DOUGLAS SHEARD: TARDIS. TARDIS! ROGER SCOBIE: And it travels in time as well. DOUGLAS SHEARD: Gentleman, if you persist with this flippancy it will be time to talk about ... disciplinary action. (He trails off as the TARDIS vanishes. Then Tegan shows up.) CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Happy landings Doctor. TEGAN: Happy landings Doctor. CAPTAIN STAPLEY: Hello, I thought you were going with the Doctor. TEGAN: So did I.	Plan: A: The Doctor; Q: Who follows The Master back to Heathrow airport? A: the crew; Q: Who rigs the Concord jury so they can take off with the Doctor's help? A: the plane; Q: What do the crew of the Concord jury rig? A: replacing; Q: What does the Doctor announce the temporal limiter will need? A: Tegan; Q: Who gets accidentally left behind at Heathrow? Summary: The Doctor partially works with The Master, the crew of the Concord jury rig the plane so they can take off with the Doctor's help. The Doctor follows The Master back to Heathrow airport. The Doctor announces that the temporal limiter The Master conned him out of will need replacing and that he is going to be stuck. Tegan gets accidentally left behind at Heathrow.
[Title: The Year 2030] Narrator: Now kids, the spring of 2008 was a complicated time in your old man's life. (Cut to when Ted and Barney was in the limo) The last time I had seen Barney was shortly after I found out he has spent the night with Robin. [The Year 2008 - Flashback](Barney and Ted are in the limo) Barney: Are you saying you don't wanna be bros anymore? Ted: I'm saying I don't wanna be friends anymore. [End Flashback] [The Bar - Lily/Marshall/Robin/Ted] (Ted's phone rings) Ted: It's Barney. (To Barney, in the phone) Dude, seriously you need to stop calling me. Barney (he is at work, in the phone): Ted, I'm sorry, I haven't returned your calls. Ted: (in the phone) Yeah I never called you, you called me fifteen times and my parents twice. Barney: I'm sorry, I gotta let you go. It's just too many good wingmen out there. Ted are you crying? Ted: No I'm not. Barney: Sh! Let it out, let it out. Ted: Goodbye Barney. (He hangs up) Lily: So are you two back together? Ted: No. Marshall: I miss Barney. I haven't "high five" with anyone like a week. I think I might be starting to lose my fist bone careless. Robin: Let me ask you something Ted. Why are you so much madder at Barney than me? Lily: Yeah! She had just as much sx with Barney as Barney had with her. Robin: You know what? I'm not sure that's true. I think I actually prefered if you are mad at me. This is too weird. Ted: I'm not mad at anybody. I've forgiven you. And I've outgrown Barney as a friend. It's that's simple. Lily: I will tell you why he is not mad. Because he is so happy with Stella. Narrator: She was right. (We see videos of Stella and Ted) Stella and I had been dating for two months. And things were going really well. (Stella, Ted and his friends are playing) She had mat my friend in past for flying colors. There was just one little problem. [The Apartment - Ted/Lily/Mashall] Lily: You guys haven't had sx yet!!?? When Marshall and I were two months, we were doing it 24/7. Ted: I know, I was in the top bunk. Also sat next to you at football games. Lily: So what you guys waiting for? Ted: I think she wants to make sure we are serious first, that's why she hasn't introduced me to her daughter either. She wants to take things slow. Marshall: Wait, so you haven't had sx since like Thanksgiving. Do you know how many big federal holidays have come and gone since then. Lily: Oh baby, do you remember Martin Luther King day? Marshall: Yeah, I do. We ode that dude big time. Ted: Look, I'm crazy about this girl, if waiting is what it takes, then I'm fine with that. And totally unrelated note. Does anybody have gamma icer or a piece of bark that you are not chewing? [Barney's Office - Barney/Randy] Randy: Hey Barney, new sky mall come in. So worldaround blog's fear is you are looking for a new wingman. I wanna let you know, I'm available. Just the say the word, or don't even say the word. Just do something with you eyebrow. Was that it? Barney: No offence Randy, but there is a long list of candidats for this slot. This slot is for vice president of awesome. And you are like assistant under secretary of only ok. Randy: Assistant under secretary of only ok. Thank you, I will not let you down. Narrator: So uncle Barney began to search for a new wingman. Barney: (in the phone) Pitt, Barney Stinson! Pitt: Hey! I haven't been calling you, it has been a while. Barney: Yeah. Yeah. So, listen you should meet me in McLaren's tonight. Pitt: You never gonna believe this. I'm at the hospital. Just had a baby daughter. Barney: So what do you think? 9:30 or 10 o'clock? (They both hang up) Barney: Starry Porten, Barney Stinson. Starry: What up, chef? Barney: I need a new bro, what do you say? Starry: Dude, I'do love to but now I'm bro with Duck Stan. Barney: Oh, I understand. Duck Stan is a good bro. I'm happy for you. Best of luck. (He hangs up) Barney: Crazy Willie! Barney Stinson. Willie: What up B dog, long time no bro, so are we gonna tire it up tonight or what? Barney: Yes finally! Willie: Here is what on the rocket tocket. My wife is gonna put the cheese out at seven, scrabble at 8:00 PM, 9 PM we watch 27 dresses, everybody's home by 11:00. Booya! (Barney hangs up and he remakes a phone call to Willie) Willie: Hello? Barney: Hanging up on you once wasn't enough. (And then Barney hangs up) [Stella's Office - Stella/Ted] (During the break lunch...) Stella: So I lanced this thing on this guy's back, and I'll be honest with you, I didn't even know what it was, and then it exploded like a volcano. Plus everywhere. Ted: Let's have sx. Right now, I'll lock the door. Stella: Oh, there is no lock on that door. Ted: We can do it against the door. It'll be hot! It'll be like a three-way: you, me and the door. Stella: Yeah, but then it's just gonna be weird between me and the door tomorrow. Ted: I'm sorry. We're waiting. It's cool. Stella: You've been so patient Ted. The truth is... I'm kind of nervous. I have a confession to make. Ted: I was afraid of this. You're 14. Stella: No, um... it's kind of embarrassing, but it's been a while since I was intimate with anyone. Ted: Wow. It's funny that you say that. Me too. Stella: Really? How long it's been for you? Ted: It's been a while. Stella: Tell me. (Ted shows 5 with his fingers) Stella: Me too! Ted: It's been five months for you too? [The Apartment - Ted/Robin/Marshall/Lily] All (except Ted): Five years!!?? ["How I Met Your Mother", credits] [The Apartment - Ted/Robin/Marshall/Lily] Marshall: Wow. Stella hasn't had sx since 2003. Let's just put this in context. The last time Stella had sx, the movie, Seabiscuit, had just galloped into the theaters... and our hearts. Lily: Five years! God, if I even went one year, I would be out on the street selling it for a nickel. Marshall: The last time Stella had sx, the world was just learning about SARS. Robin: Well, Ted, what else did she said? Did she gave you any kind of explanation? [Flashback - Ted/Stella] Stella: Look, after Lucy was born, I dated a little, but it was hard to find a guy I could trust enough. Sooner or later, every one of them gave me a reason not to. Ted: But nobody in five years? Stella: Look, Ted, guys regret the girls they didn't sleep with. Girls regret the guys they do sleep with. And for the past five years, I've had no regrets. Ted, you're staring at my boobs. Ted: In my defense, they were staring at me. [End Flashback] Lily: So what does this mean for you? Is she ever wanna want to get intimate? Ted: Actually... [Flashback - Ted/Stella] Stella: But the truth is, I really do want to do this with you. I don't think I'd regret it at all. Ted: Your pillow talk's a little rusty. Stella: You know what I mean Ted, I'm ready. Ted: That's great. Like "right now" ready? (She laughs) [End Flashback] Ted: So, her sister's driving up to baby-sit Lucy, and we're getting a hotel room in the city Saturday night. Marshall: The last time Stella had sx, The Da Vinci Code had just come out. Robin: Well that's doesn't seem like that long ago. Marshall: Not the movie, the book. Robin: Wow. Ted: It's a lot of pressure, isn't it? Lily: You know what? It's not. This woman needs it bad. Anything you do is going to be fireworks. I remember my longest drought... [Flashback - Lily in San Francisco] Lily: (V.O.) It was that summer I lived in San Francisco. I hadn't had been with Marshall since two months and 19 days. (There is a shock. And Lily likes the sensation which that gets her.) [End Flashback] Lily: Oh, San Francisco! Ted: I don't know Lily, after five years, her expectations have gotta be pretty high. Marshall (watching on Internet): Notable deaths in 2003... Oh my God... Nell Carter. Did you guys know that Nell Carter had died? Ted: I really gonna have to bring my A-game to satisfy this woman. Robin: Yeah, it'll be pretty hard now that she's dead. Ted: Not Nell Carter... Stella. Marshall: Dude, relax, it's all about expectations management. Do you know why I hated Jerry Maguire so much? Ted: Because you're dead inside? Marshall: No, because you built it up for, like, two weeks, saying it was the greatest movie ever. With Stella, do the opposite: lower expectations. Ted: Right, right, and then no matter what happens, she'll be happy. (Marshall's phone rings, he picks up the phone) Marshall (in the phone): Hey, buddy. I'm married, Barney, I cannot be your new wingman. (Marshall hangs up, then Robin's phone rings, she picks up the phone and say directly...) Robin: No. (And hangs up) [SCENE_BREAK] [Barney's Office - Barney] (He sees Randy in the lane) Barney: Hey, Randy. Could you come here for a minute? (Randy releases a box. And comes in Barney's office by running) Good news. I'm calling you up to the majors. Starting tomorrow night, how would you like to be my new wingman? Randy: Uh... Just need to check my calendar. Be right back. (Then he goes in the lane, and dances. He comes back.) Tomorrow works. [Stella's Office - Ted/Stella] Ted: I have a surprise appetizer for us today. Check it out. Potato skins. Stella: Fancy? Ted: Yeah. Right? God, it's been forever since I had potato skins. I remember them as being pretty much the most delicious things ever. (He eats the potato skin) Huh. That's surprising. Stella: What? Ted: This potato skin. It's good but not nearly as good as I'd built it up to be in my head. Even though potato skin performed admirably, and is a totally respectable size... I couldn't enjoy it because of my own unrealistic expectations. Stella: Hmm, Ted, I see what you're doing. You're trying to lower my expectations for tonight. Is this a lengh thing? Ted: No. Stella: Quick on the draw? Ted: No. Stella: Unexpected number of testicules? Ted: No. It's just that this is a big deal for you. I mean, it's like your virginity: the sequel. (She laughs) Stella: Virginity 2: Eletric Boogaloo? Ted: Exactly, and I don't want to mess it up. I don't want you to ever wonder if was worth it. Stella: Oh Ted, of course it's gonna be worth it. Stop worrying. It's you and me. It already has everything it needs. (They kiss each other) Ted: "Unexpected number of testicules?" Stella: It happens. I knew a guy in med school... we used to joke that we was one ball away from getting walked. (They laugh) [The Bar - Barney] (Randy comes in.) Barney: Hey. Randy: What up bro-seph Lieberman? Barney: No, uh-uh. Randy, we never use the word "bro" in the name of a failed Democratic vice presidential candidate. Randy: (He takes out his memo pad) Goodbye "Geraldine Ferrar-bro". Barney: You know what? I'm excited about this, Randy. You will be my next masterpiece. It's like with Ted. When I first met him, he was an even bigger loser than you. Randy: What a loser. Barney: But tonight, I'm going to make you the greatest wingman in the history of wingmen. Randy: Oh, it's gonna be easier than you think, bro. Yeah. I've been reading your blog for years. You are like a God to me. That's why tonight is going to be legendary... wait for it... dary. Barney: Oh, okay, Randy, let's do this. (Barney wants to pick up two young woman) Randy: Ok. Barney: You ready? Randy: Yes. (Barney starts walking and Randy holds Barney by the arm) No, no, no, no, no, no! Barney: What? What's the matter? Randy: Nothing, let's do this. (Barney starts walking and Randy holds Barney by the arm) No, no, no, no, no, please, please, please! Just wait, just wait, just wait, just wait! Barney: Randy what are you doing? Randy: Dripping with game, that's what i'm doing. Okay let's go. No. Yes. No! Randy listen to me: you can do this okay? Ok. I don't know. Are thos girls really that hot? Yes, they're hot. Let's do this. Okay! Barney: (Finally Randy is ready, so Barney goes talking to the girls) Hey, laddies. Have you met... (He points the finger towards Randy and turns around. But Randy hid under a table.) [The Apartment - Ted] (Somebody knocks at the door. He opens. It is Stella) Ted: Hey. Stella: Hey. (She comes in the apartment and Ted kiss her) Ted: So, here's the plan. Take a horse-drawn carriage through the park, and it just so happens the Philharmonic is playing an open-air... Stella: Ted. Five years. Ted: Straight to the hotel? Stella: Straight to the hotel. Ted: I'll get my bag. (Ted go to his bedroom) (Marshall and Lily come in the apartment) Stella: Hey, guys. Lily: Hey. Marshall: Hey. So, uh, looking forward to tonight? Stella: Yeah. Definitly. It's been such a long time since I've had a night out. Lily: Yeah. We heard. I would explode if it had been that long since I had a "night out". Marshall: This one wakes me up at 4am sometimes just to have a little night out. Stella: Um, what are you guys talking about? Lily: Nothing. Pizza. What are you talking about? (Ted comes back) Ted: Hey guys. Stella: Ted, you told them, didn't you? Ted: Told them what? Stella: You told them that I haven't had sx in five years. (She seems embarrassing) Marshall: You haven't had sx in five years??!! That is a shocking revelation that we're just finding out right now! (Marshall and Lily are not any more there. Ted and Stella are alone.) Ted: Stella, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told them. But they're my best friends. I tell them everything. I-I didn't even think about it. Stella: Ted, that was so personal. Plus, now your friends think I'm a freak. Ted: No, they don't. Stella: Look, I realize it's weird, okay? Not many people go five years without having s*x. [The Bar - Barney/Randy] Barney: 13 years??!! Randy: I peaked really young. [The Apartment - Ted/Stella] Stella: That's why it was difficult for me to tell you. But I did tell you because I thought that I could trust you. Ted: You can trust me. Stella: Obviously, I can't. You know there's always a reason not to sleep with a guy, and you just gave me yours. Ted: Wait, did I gave you a reason or were you looking for one? Stella: Why would be looking for one?	Plan: A: Stella; Q: Who is finally ready to get intimate with Ted? A: worker Randy; Q: Who does Barney settle on as a replacement Bro? A: ( Will Forte; Q: Who is Randy? Summary: Stella is finally ready to get intimate with Ted. Meanwhile, since his split with Ted, Barney searches for a replacement Bro, finally settling reluctantly on his hapless co-worker Randy ( Will Forte ).
THE TIME MONSTER BY: ROBERT SLOMAN 5:45pm - 6:10pm [SCENE_BREAK] 1: INT. ATLANTIS. THE TEMPLE OF POSEIDON. CATACOMBS (NIGHT) (The great wooden door is opened and JO is thrown to the floor. The door is pulled to behind her. She gets up and starts hammering on it.) JO: Open the door and let me out! (She turns. From the darkness of the columns comes the bellow of an animal. JO looks over in the direction of the sound and a look of sheer terror appears on her face. A creature faces her. It has the body of a strong and well-muscled man but from the shoulders upwards, it has the appearance of a bull - the MINOTAUR!) [SCENE_BREAK] 2: EXT. ATLANTIS. PALACE. KING'S TERRACE (NIGHT) (LAKIS comes running onto the terrace where the DOCTOR and DALIOS are still sat in conversation.) DALIOS: What is it? (She falls at the King's feet.) CRITO: (OOV: In pursuit.) Come back! LAKIS: Forgive me, Lord King, forgive me! (CRITO runs in and grabs LAKIS.) DALIOS: Tell us, child. CRITO: Your pardon, lord. (CRITO starts to pull her out. LAKIS calls out as she is dragged away.) LAKIS: Lord Hippias and the high priest have gone into the lair of the guardian followed by the Lady Jo! (The DOCTOR jumps to his feet.) DOCTOR: What? [SCENE_BREAK] 3: INT. ATLANTIS. THE TEMPLE OF POSEIDON. CATACOMBS (NIGHT) (The MINOTAUR starts to make his way towards JO. It roars and runs towards her. With difficulty in her long Atlantean dress, she runs into the depths of the labyrinth and hides behind a pillar. The MINOTAUR approaches and she runs off again.) [SCENE_BREAK] 4: INT. ATLANTIS. THE TEMPLE OF POSEIDON (NIGHT) (KRASIS approaches the door in the temple that leads down to the labyrinth. A guard is on duty. KRASIS hears someone approaching on the steps that lead down from the concourse and the DOCTOR turns the corner into view.) KRASIS: (To the guard.) Seize this intruder! (The DOCTOR grabs the raised trident and pins the two men back against the wall by their necks.) DOCTOR: Sorry to hold you up like this, Krasis, but I need that key! (He grabs the key out of KRASIS' hand, snaps the trident in two over his knee and dashes for the door, unlocking it before the guard and KRASIS can react. They give chase.) [SCENE_BREAK] 5: INT. ATLANTIS. THE TEMPLE OF POSEIDON. CATACOMBS (NIGHT) (Down in the labyrinth, a deadlier game of chase is in progress as JO runs from pillar to pillar and down darkened torch-lit passages. She comes up against a mirror and turns, seeing the relentless MINOTAUR coming round a corner and making its way towards her. Suddenly the DOCTOR'S voice rings out.) DOCTOR: Jo? (He stands near the entrance door to the labyrinth, looking round and listening to the bellows of the guardian.) DOCTOR: Jo? Jo? (He walks into the labyrinth.) DOCTOR: Jo, where are you? (Further in, the MINOTAUR rounds a corner. It has JO firmly in its sights. Suddenly, HIPPIAS rounds a corner, a torch in his hand.) HIPPIAS: Stay back! (The MINOTAUR turns and goes for the young Atlantean. HIPPIAS throws his torch at the creature but it is ineffectual. The MINTOAUR grabs him and throws him across the room. HIPPIAS gets to his feet and bravely jumps on the back of the creature but it merely raises him into the air and throws him through a mirrored wall. Suddenly, the DOCTOR is stood at the end of a row of columns, his red-lined cloak held out like a matador and calling out yells in Spanish. The minotaur turns and charges him, head down and horns out. The DOCTOR neatly side-steps the guardian, swirling his cloak. The manouevre is repeated but this time, the DOCTOR neatly chops the MINOTAUR on the back of the neck as it passes. It slides to the ground and the DOCTOR runs off towards JO.) JO: Doctor, are you alright? DOCTOR: Yes. (He sees the MINOTAUR charging again.) DOCTOR: Look out, Jo! (The creature sweeps between them and straight into a wall. The force of the impact brings the huge blocks of stone down, killing the creature and revealing a brightly-lit chamber beyond. The DOCTOR and JO go and look through the hole in the wall.) [SCENE_BREAK] 6: INT. ATLANTIS. THE TEMPLE OF POSEIDON. CHAMBER OF THE CRYSTAL (NIGHT) (JO suddenly remembers...) JO: Hippias! He saved my life. DOCTOR: I'm afraid he's dead, Jo. (The DOCTOR looks further into the chamber at the source of the bright light.) DOCTOR: The crystal! It's the crystal of Kronos! (And the original glowing crystal is indeed sat in its receptacle. The two walk towards it, carefully circling the dead guardian.) DOCTOR: There you, Jo. That's what all the fuss has been about. JO: It's beautiful...but at the same time, horrible. It gives me a funny feeling. DOCTOR: Well, cheer up, Jo. Now that we've found the crystal, the Master's little game is at an end. KRASIS: Not quite! (They spin round as KRASIS and two guards step out of the shadows behind them.) KRASIS: The game is just beginning! A pity you will not live to see the end. DOCTOR: And that's where you're mistaken, Krasis. And if you value your own life, you will take me to see the King - now! [SCENE_BREAK] 7: EXT. ATLANTIS. PALACE. KING'S TERRACE (NIGHT) (A shock awaits them when they KRASIS takes them to the terrace.) MASTER: But, I am the King. (The MASTER looks towards the high priest.) MASTER: Oh, didn't he tell you? (Laughs.) Oh, he's a jolly fellow, our friend, Krasis. He loves a joke. (The stony-faced humourless priest stares at the DOCTOR.) DOCTOR: Does he really? (The doors to the rear of the terrace open to admit GALLEIA to a blast of trumpets. She wears a long blue and silver dress.) MASTER: A complete success, our little...palace revolution. DOCTOR: What happened to King Dalios? MASTER: Why, nothing. DOCTOR: Then he's still alive? (The MASTER stands for the Queen.) MASTER: Why, certainly. And treated honourably. GALLEIA: Even though Dalios is an old man, the King is still the King. MASTER: And now it appears that I have to thank you both. JO: What for? MASTER: For giving me the crystal. DOCTOR: You don't mean to say that you still intend going ahead with this... MASTER: Tomorrow you will both receive a suitable reward - an introduction to the mighty Kronos... (His voice hardens...) MASTER: And this time, Doctor, there will be no mistake. DOCTOR: I wouldn't count on that. (The two are led away by the guards and KRASIS.) MASTER: Right, Lady, I have a lot to do so...you must leave me too. (The MASTER turns to go but GALLEIA is annoyed by his tone and manner.) GALLEIA: Must I, indeed? MASTER: You would question my decision? GALLEIA: Perhaps. It depends what you mean to do. MASTER: You must learn to obey, my love. (He strokes her cheek.) MASTER: To do my will. To carry out my commands without question, like a soldier. GALLEIA: You mean like a servant girl? And you must learn, "my love", that Galleia is a Queen. (She storms off, leaving an angry MASTER.) [SCENE_BREAK] 8: EXT. ATLANTIS. PALACE. CELL (NIGHT) (The DOCTOR and JO sit chained to the wall of a straw-lined cell. JO struggles against her manacles.) DOCTOR: Any luck? JO: Funnily enough, they didn't include Atlantean chains in my escapology course. No, it's no good. Doctor, what are we going to do? DOCTOR: (Calmly.) Well, well just have to play it by ear, won't we? JO: What happens if the Master wins? DOCTOR: Well, the whole of creation is very delicately balanced in cosmic terms, Jo. If the Master opens the floodgates of Kronos' power, all order and all structure will be swept away, and nothing will be left but chaos. JO: (Depressed.) Makes it seem so...pointless really, doesn't it? DOCTOR: I felt like that once when I was young. It was the blackest day of my life. JO: Why? DOCTOR: Ah well, that's another story. Well, I'll tell you about it one day. The point is, that day was not only my blackest, it was also my best. JO: Mmm? Well, what do you mean? DOCTOR: Well, when I was a little boy, we used to live in a house that was perched halfway up the top of a mountain. And behind our house, there sat under a tree an old man - a hermit, a monk. He'd lived under this tree for half his lifetime, so they said, and he'd learned the secret of life. So, when my black day came, I went and asked him to help me. JO: And he told you the secret? Well, what was it? DOCTOR: Well, I'm coming to that, Jo, in my own time. Ah, I'll never forget what it was like up there. All bleak and cold, it was - a few bare rocks with some weeds sprouting from them and some pathetic little patches of sludgy snow. It was just grey. Grey, grey, grey. Well, the tree the old man sat under, that was ancient and twisted and the old man himself was...he was as brittle and as dry as a leaf in the autumn. JO: But what did he say? DOCTOR: Nothing, not a word. He just sat there, silently, expressionless, and he listened while I poured out my troubles to him. I was too unhappy even for tears, I remember. And when I'd finished, he lifted a skeletal hand and...he pointed. Do you know what he pointed at? JO: No. DOCTOR: A flower. One of those little weeds. Just like a daisy it was. Well, I looked at it for a moment and suddenly I saw it through his eyes. It was simply glowing with life, like a perfectly cut jewel, and the colours! Well, the colours were deeper and richer than you could possibly imagine. Yes, it was the daisiest daisy I'd ever seen. JO: And that was the secret of life? A daisy? (Laughs.) Honestly, Doctor! DOCTOR: Yes, I laughed too when I first heard it. So, later, I got up and I ran down that mountain and I found that the rocks weren't grey at all - but they were red, brown and purple and gold. And those pathetic little patches of sludgy snow were shining white. Shining white in the sunlight. (Smiles.) You still frightened, Jo? JO: (Smiles.) No, not as much as I was. DOCTOR: That's good. I'm sorry I brought you to Atlantis. JO: I'm not. DOCTOR: Thank you. (The door to the cell is unlocked and opened and a familiar white robed figure is thrust in.) GUARD: Inside, old man! (DALIOS stands up to the GUARD.) DALIOS: I demand to be taken to the Lady Galleia! GUARD: You'll do as you're told. (He pushes DALIOS back in the cell.) DALIOS: How dare you lay your hands on me! I shall see the Queen! Out of my way, slave! (The GUARD strikes DALIOS to the ground with his trident. The old man gasps and falls on the floor and the door is shut. The blow has knocked all the strength out of the King and he lies stunned in front of the DOCTOR and JO. Manacled, they are unable to help him.) DOCTOR: Dalios! Dalios! DALIOS: (Weakly.) Who would have thought it...my sweet Queen... DOCTOR: Is the Master responsible for this? DALIOS: (Weakly.) Ah...but tis no matter. Come closer. (He manages to lift his head into JO'S lap.) DOCTOR: What is it? DALIOS: (Weakly.) There's so little time...so little. I tell you the vision of a dying man. Atlantis was doomed. You are a true philosopher. The world must be...must be saved. And you are the one to do it. The only one. Who'd have thought it? My lovely Galleia... (He falls back.) DOCTOR: Dalios! (But he has gone. JO grows tearful.) DOCTOR: We won't fail you, Dalios. [SCENE_BREAK] 9: EXT. ATLANTIS. FORECOURT OF THE TEMPLE OF POSEIDON (It is the next day. On the forecourt of the temple, another meeting of a much-reduced council takes place before the people. KRASIS and MISEUS are among those assembled. The MASTER sits on the king's throne and the DOCTOR and JO have been brought up in their chains and have been placed, one on each side of the temple steps. Trumpets sound and CRITO slams down his staff.) CRITO: Silence! The Lady Galleia, Queen of Atlantis, now speaks. (The trumpets sound again and GALLEIA stands.) GALLEIA: Brethren of the council, my faithful few. Our troubles are now at an end. No longer shall we tread beneath the hand of an old defeated king. I shall present to you his holiness, the most venerable, Lord Master. (The MASTER stands another trumpet salute, a murmur from the crowd and a shouted comment from the DOCTOR to JO.) DOCTOR: Quite above himself, isn't he? CRITO: Silence! MASTER: Greetings to you, my brothers. I grieve to see the council is so small. And yet I rejoice that you, the few who have put me here, have come to claim your just reward. Today, you shall see the mighty one himself - Kronos, the most terrible. (The crowd gasps at the mention of the name.) MASTER: Krasis, the high priest will assist me. Prepare, Krasis. (The crystal unit from the MASTER'S TARDIS has been brought out onto the concourse and KRASIS walks over to it. Into the top has now been inserted the true crystal which towers a foot above the one from the Newton Institute. Watched by a puzzled crowd, KRASIS starts to flick switches on the machine.) DOCTOR: And what happened to the rest of the council? JO: Yes, where are they? DOCTOR: Are they alive? MASTER: The point is academic, Doctor. In a few moments, it'll be of no further interest to you. DOCTOR: Then satisfy my curiosity now. Are they indeed alive, or are they dead like King Dalios? (The Queen looks sharply at him.) GALLEIA: The King is unharmed! DOCTOR: The King is dead, Madam! JO: (To GALLEIA, softly.) It's true. (GALLEIA stares at her, shock registering in her face.) JO: We were there when he died this morning. (GALLEIA looks as if her world has fallen apart...) GALLEIA: You were there? You saw him? (To the MASTER.) Is this true? (The MASTER doesn't respond. GALLEIA stands and calls out across the crowd.) GALLEIA: Is this true? Is the lord Dalios, your King, no longer alive? (She looks at the MASTER, trembling with anger.) GALLEIA: Answer me! MASTER: He died this morning. He was an old man. DOCTOR: And you were responsible for his death! GUARD: Quiet! GALLEIA: (Tearfully.) You promised. MASTER: I promised you power. And you shall have it. Power to realise your most ambitious dreams! GALLEIA: You promised he should not be harmed! MASTER: He was an old man - and he was stubborn! (She strikes him.) GALLEIA: Oh, you! (To the guards.) Seize him! Seize him! (The guards close in on the MASTER and grab hold of him.) MASTER: Krasis, the switch! (KRASIS pulls the main switch.) DOCTOR: No, stop him! Stop him! (KRONOS starts to emerge from the crystal, growing in size and strength.) MASTER: Kronos! I, the Master, welcome you! I, the Master, bid you do my will! (The guards release the MASTER as they and the crowd cowers back from the screeching creature which flies over the temple concourse.) MASTER: I command you - destroy these men! (The MASTER points at the guards but the creature makes no move towards them.) MASTER: Obey me! I command you! I order you to obey! DOCTOR: He'll never obey you! Don't you understand yet what you've done! He's out of control! MASTER: ... ! (The MASTER runs for the crystal unit as KRONOS starts to wreak havoc on Atlantis. Lightning flashes and the stones of the temple start to crash to the ground, falling on top of the people. GALLEIA frees JO who runs through the chaos at the MASTER.) DOCTOR: Jo! Jo, come back! Jo! Jo! (As the MASTER takes the main crystal out of the unit, JO jumps on his back. He runs into his TARDIS with JO still clinging to him.) DOCTOR: Come back, Jo! Come back! Jo! (The computer unit dematerialises. Few people now remain alive in the debris but one of them is GALLEIA who also frees the DOCTOR. He runs into his TARDIS and swiftly dematerialises. GALLEIA stands with her head bowed in the ruins of the temple with the dead people all around her. KRONOS continues to fly above the destruction.) [SCENE_BREAK] 10: INT. MASTER'S TARDIS (Having only recently been freed, the MASTER uses a handcuff to secure JO again, this time by one of her hands to his console.) MASTER: There, Miss Grant. I think we've seen the last of the Doctor. Buried for all time under the ruins of Atlantis. (He laughs, but then a thought seems to strike him...) MASTER: You know, I'm going to miss him. JO: He's not finished - I just know it! MASTER: Of course he is. JO: (Shouts.) No, you're the one that's finished! Do you think that...that creature out there will ever let you control it? MASTER: I do so already. He came when I called. You saw that yourself. JO: Like a tiger comes when he hears a lamb bleating. MASTER: Nicely put, my dear. You know, that was worthy of the late lamented Doctor himself. (He claps his hands in delight and walks over to the crystal.) MASTER: You know, I could kick myself for not having polished him off long ago! Just think of the future - dominion over all time and all space! Absolute power forever! And no Doctor to ruin things for me! (The DOCTOR suddenly appears on the scanner.) DOCTOR: (On scanner.) Don't worry, Jo. JO: Doctor! DOCTOR: (On scanner.) I'll soon sort him out for you. MASTER: (Shocked.) Doctor! Well, you must be as indestructible as that wretched TARDIS of yours! And how exactly do you propose to..."sort me out"? DOCTOR: (On scanner.) By making you see reason - and making you destroy that crystal. MASTER: Uh? Why should I? I have my TARDIS, I have Kronos and I have Miss Grant. Now, my reason tells me that I hold all the cards. DOCTOR: (On scanner.) Ah, but there's one card that you've forgotten. MASTER: Oh? DOCTOR: (On scanner.) The trump card. I could stop you whenever I please. MASTER: You are bluffing, Doctor. DOCTOR: (On scanner.) Am I? How about time-ram? MASTER: Time-ram? (Contemptuously.) You couldn't do it in that old crock! DOCTOR: (On scanner.) The two TARDIS's are operating on the same frequency, and our controls are locked together. See for yourself. (A dial on the console starts to move towards an orange zone. Beyond it is a red zone marked "DANGER". A buzzing sound fills the room.) MASTER: Stop! DOCTOR: (On scanner.) You know what'll happen if that control goes over the safety limit, don't you? Tell him, Jo. JO: The two TARDIS's occupy exactly the same space and time, and that means that you... MASTER: (Snarls.) I know very well what it means! DOCTOR: (On scanner.) Do you? MASTER: Yes! (Reluctantly.) Oblivion! DOCTOR: (On scanner.) Top of the class. Extinction - for you, the TARDIS and the crystal. MASTER: And for you and Miss Grant. DOCTOR: (On scanner.) Oh yes, of course. But by then, Kronos will be free, and the universe will be saved. (The MASTER slams the console and stands back.) MASTER: Very well. Go ahead. DOCTOR: (On scanner.) What? MASTER: Go ahead - time-ram! JO: You can't be serious? MASTER: Do you think I'm going to dance to the Doctor's tune like some performing poodle? Look, Doctor, you want to stop me? Try! DOCTOR: (On scanner.) Very well. Goodbye, Jo. (The dial enters the orange zone and the buzzing grows louder. It moves by gradients towards the red zone and teeters on the edge.) MASTER: Well? Why have you stopped? DOCTOR: (On scanner.) To give you one last chance. MASTER: (Shouts scornfully.) Nonsense! You can't bring yourself to destroy her - now admit it! It's that fatal weakness of yours, Doctor - pity, compassion... (He laughs.) MASTER: You know, for a moment there, you almost had me believing you! JO: Don't listen to him, Doctor! Think of all those millions of people who'll die! Think of all those millions of people who'll never be born! Do it, Doctor, quickly! DOCTOR: (On scanner.) Jo, there may be another way. MASTER: Of course there is - the way to immeasurable glory! JO: Goodbye, Doctor! (She lunges for the control.) DOCTOR: (On scanner.) Don't do it! JO: Too late! MASTER: No! (The MASTER jumps forward to stop her but she manages to put the dial into the red zone and the two TARDIS's implode in a bright burst of energy...) [SCENE_BREAK] 11: VOID (The explosion contracts and the two TARDIS's appear in a strange void, where the blurred ground is yellow and the sky a deep blue.) [SCENE_BREAK] 12: INT. MASTER'S TARDIS (JO and the MASTER are both unconscious on the floor of the MASTER'S TARDIS. JO is now free of her manacle. She starts to come to.) JO: Doctor... (She sits up.) JO: Doctor... (She heads out of the door.) [SCENE_BREAK] 13: VOID (She cautiously crosses the void from the MASTER'S TARDIS and enters the DOCTOR'S.) [SCENE_BREAK] 14: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (There she finds the DOCTOR also unconscious on the floor. She strokes his head.) JO: Doctor? Doctor? (He comes to.) DOCTOR: Jo...you alright. JO: I'm fine. Dead, of course, but I'm fine. DOCTOR: Dead? (He sits up.) DOCTOR: What are you talking about? You're no more dead than I am. JO: Well, that's just it. Well, I mean, that's what I mean. I mean, you're dead too, and so's the Master. DOCTOR: And I suppose we're all in heaven? JO: Yeah, or somewhere. Hey, come take a look. (She leads him to the door.) JO: Come on. [SCENE_BREAK] 15: VOID (He steps out of the TARDIS and joins her.) JO: Groovy, isn't it? DOCTOR: Yes...yes, it's fascinating. But somehow I don't think we're in heaven. JO: Well, where are we then? DOCTOR: Well, that's just it. I don't know myself. You shouldn't have put us into time-ram, Jo. In any case, I was just about to do it myself. JO: Oh, really? DOCTOR: Now look, Jo, I... (She laughs.) DOCTOR: No, not really. (Suddenly they hear an echoing polite cough. They turn. In place of the never-ending void, a huge female FACE appears with golden eyes and lips. The DOCTOR bows towards the gigantic apparition.) DOCTOR: Greetings. (The FACE laughs and speaks in an echoing but slightly indistinct feminine tone.) FACE OF KRONOS: Your courtesy is always so punctilious, Doctor. DOCTOR: You know me? FACE OF KRONOS: Of old. DOCTOR: Well, you must forgive me, but, erm...I can't quite place you. FACE OF KRONOS: I am Kronos. JO: You? But you're a girl. FACE OF KRONOS: Well, shapes mean nothing. JO: But a little while ago you were a...a raging monster and an evil destroyer. FACE OF KRONOS: I can be all things - a destroyer, a healer, a creator. I'm beyond good and evil as you know it. DOCTOR: W...well, where exactly are we? FACE OF KRONOS: On the boundary of your reality and mine. You brought yourselves here. DOCTOR: Ah yes, the time-ram. FACE OF KRONOS: At the moment of impact, I was released. That saved you and took you to the threshold of being. DOCTOR: (Sighs.) Well, what now? FACE OF KRONOS: I owe you a debt of gratitude nothing could repay. What would you wish? (The DOCTOR and JO look at each other. She answers the question on their behalf.) JO: To go home? DOCTOR: In the TARDIS? FACE OF KRONOS: You shall. DOCTOR: Thank you. JO: But what about the Master? FACE OF KRONOS: (Coldly.) He stays. JO: And what will happen to him? FACE OF KRONOS: Torment, of course! The pain he has given so freely will be returned to him, in full. (Having heard this, the now-conscious MASTER comes running out of his TARDIS, his face full of terror.) MASTER: No! (He sinks to his knees before the DOCTOR, his hands clasped begging...) MASTER: Doctor, please?! Please help me, I can't bear it! Please, Doctor, please?! (The DOCTOR appears unmoved, but looks down from his pitiful enemy and up at the giant FACE.) DOCTOR: Mighty Kronos, may I ask one last favour of you? FACE OF KRONOS: Name it. DOCTOR: His life - his freedom. FACE OF KRONOS: (Curtly.) He made a prisoner of me. DOCTOR: Yes, I know. But would you allow us to deal with him in our way? FACE OF KRONOS: I do not understand you, but if that is your desire, so let it be. (The MASTER raises his head and gets to his feet. His face is full of relief.) MASTER: Thank you, Doctor. DOCTOR: Don't thank me. You're coming back to Earth with us. MASTER: Yes, of course. (The DOCTOR opens his TARDIS door and starts to enter. JO follows and the MASTER also but he pushes JO against the DOCTOR and makes a run for his own TARDIS.) DOCTOR: No! No! (The door to the MASTER'S TARDIS closes and it starts to dematerialise.) DOCTOR: Kronos! Stop him! Stop him! Kronos! (The computer unit vanishes in a flash of light. KRONOS appears almost amused.) FACE OF KRONOS: You asked for him to be given his freedom - he has it! JO: Here we go again. [SCENE_BREAK] 16: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM (The infant BENTON sits on the adult's clothes on the floor of the laboratory while STUART tries to feed him from a dish. The baby merely cries.) STUART HYDE: Come on, baby Benton. Come on, get it down you. (STUART gives up. RUTH is still adjusting the machinery.) DR. RUTH INGRAM: What are you feeding him on now? STUART HYDE: The remains of my lunchtime sandwiches mashed up with some cold tea. DR. RUTH INGRAM: Well, stop playing mothers and fathers and come and give me a hand. I think I'm nearly there. STUART HYDE: And what are you trying to do? (She puts a unit back in place and closes an inspection panel.) DR. RUTH INGRAM: Well, if I'm on the beam, we should be able to close the gap in time for good. Right, switch on, Stu. STUART HYDE: Okay. (They take their places at the consoles.) [SCENE_BREAK] 17: INT. TARDIS. CONSOLE ROOM (The DOCTOR and JO are in the TARDIS and back in flight.) JO: But, why? I mean, why did you even ask? DOCTOR: Jo, would you condemn anybody to an eternity of torment - even the Master? JO: No...no, I guess I wouldn't. DOCTOR: No. Well neither would I - even though he was responsible for the destruction of Atlantis. JO: (Sadly.) So terrible though, when you think about it - all those people. DOCTOR: Yes. Well, Jo, we're about to land back in Cambridge. Just think - it all happened three thousand, five hundred years ago. [SCENE_BREAK] 18: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM (The power of TOMTIT is starting to build up again.) STUART HYDE: Three-o, three-five, four-o... (The TARDIS materialises on the other side of the room.) STUART HYDE: Suffering catfish! DR. RUTH INGRAM: (Unfazed.) Increase in power. STUART HYDE: Well, Ruth, look! DR. RUTH INGRAM: Yes, it must be the Doctor. Now concentrate, Stu. Increase in power! (JO, still in her Atlantean garb, and the DOCTOR walk out of the TARDIS.) STUART HYDE: Four-five, five-o... DR. RUTH INGRAM: Isolate matrix scanner. STUART HYDE: Five-five, check! DOCTOR: What's going on here? STUART HYDE: Six-o, six-five, seven-o... DR. RUTH INGRAM: See if it's working, Stu. (He runs to the window.) [SCENE_BREAK] 19: EXT. NEWTON INSTITUTE (The BRIGADIER and the UNIT troops start to move, slowly at first but gathering speed.) STUART HYDE: (OOV.) Hey! Yes, it is! DR. RUTH INGRAM: (OOV.) Good. [SCENE_BREAK] 20: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM (Wisps of smoke start to come out of the machinery.) DOCTOR: It seems to be working a bit too well. DR. RUTH INGRAM: It's running away again. STUART HYDE: Ruth, everybody, get down. It's going to go up! (They all duck down as the main unit explodes.) [SCENE_BREAK] 21: EXT. NEWTON INSTITUTE (Outside, time runs at a normal speed. The BRIGADIER sends some of his troops in one direction and follows the others in the direction of the laboratory.) [SCENE_BREAK] 22: INT. NEWTON INSTITUTE. LABORATORY. FIRST ROOM (TOMTIT, now out of action, is silent.) JO: You'll just have to start right at the beginning again. DR. RUTH INGRAM: No, I couldn't. Not without the professor. Just as well I guess. DOCTOR: So it's done its job. Everything's now back to normal. (The BRIGADIER, pistol in hand, and several armed troops burst in the door.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Right, stand quite still everyone! (He stops as the four people look calmly at him. He looks round rather foolishly.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Er, where's the Master? DOCTOR: A very good question, Brigadier. BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Doctor, glad to see you're back. (He suddenly takes notice of JO'S Atlantean dress and wig.) BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE STEWART: Miss Grant, what on earth are you doing in that extraordinary get-up? (Shouts.) And where, for heaven's sake, is Sergeant Benton?! STUART HYDE: (To RUTH.) The baby! We forgot the baby! (They start to dash round the consoles of TOMTIT, but SERGEANT BENTON stands. He is almost naked, covering his modesty and with an embarrassed smile on his face.) SERGEANT BENTON: Would somebody please mind telling me exactly what's happening around here? (All but the BRIGADIER burst into laughter...)	Plan: A: The Doctor; Q: Who enters the labyrinth to try and protect Jo from the minotaur? A: control; Q: What has the Master seized of Atlantis? A: Kronos; Q: What does the Master prepare to summon? Summary: The Doctor enters the labyrinth to try and protect Jo from the minotaur but the Master has seized control of Atlantis and prepares to summon Kronos again.
Skyline: Plane with KACL banner. ACT I Scene 1 - KACL Frasier is taking a call. Frasier: Well, Morrie, if you're not cheating on your wife, and she still suspects you, then we're obviously dealing with a trust issue. Morrie: [v.o.] More like a crazy issue. And I know where she gets it, from her mother - who, by the way, came for Thanksgiving and still hasn't left. Happy New Year! Frasier: Perhaps we should tackle these issues one at a time... Over the line Frasier hears loud knocking. Morrie: I'm in the bathroom, Celeste! A little privacy?! [into phone] See how she gets? Frasier: Well, perhaps what is needed here is... There is a click as Celeste picks up on another phone. Celeste: [v.o.] You think I don't know who you're talking to in there, huh, Morrie? It's your little whore, isn't it? Hello, whore. Frasier: Celeste, if I could interrupt for just a moment... Celeste: A man?! It's worse than I thought. Another click. Mother: [v.o.] Celeste? Celeste: Hang up, Ma! Mother: You're all on the radio. I'm listening down in the kitchen. Morrie: How about washing a dish or two while you're down there? Yet another click. Britney: [v.o.] I cannot stand this yelling! I'm running away from home. Morrie: Oh, hang up the phone, Britney, you're going nowhere. Frasier: And neither is this conversation. [He cuts off the line.] Well, that's our show for today, with a brief program note. My KACL colleagues and I are competing against a team at KPXY to see who can shed the most pounds for charity. We're off to our first weigh-in right now. You can keep track of our progress on Channel 6's Coffee with Kelly. Wish us luck. Bulldog, Kenny, Gil, and Noel rapidly enter the studio carrying cake boxes, bags, etc. Bulldog: Okay, everybody, let's power this crap down. Frasier: Why? Kenny: The more you eat before the contest, the more you artificially boost your starting weight. They all begin to eat voraciously, except Frasier. Bulldog: Yeah, we got cheeseburgers, donuts, french fries, tacos... Gil: And a duck confit that's as rich as Donald Trump and twice as greasy. Frasier: Well, it hardly seems in the spirit of the competition. The entire purpose here is to raise awareness about the obesity epidemic in this country... He is interrupted by Bulldog shoving a cheeseburger in his face. Roz: Come on, Frasier, the winning team gets a free trip to Vegas! All except Frasier cheer. Gil: Four glorious days in Sin City, with all its gaudy brilliance, the feathered headdresses, the fishnet stockings...[He eats a morsel.] Kenny: I'm just wearing an aloha shirt, myself. Bulldog: Come on, Shempsky, pick up the pace. Noel: I have a digestive disorder where if I eat too much or too little I get incapacitating stomach cramps. Roz: It's OK, Noel, you do what's right for you. [suggestively, moving closer to him] But wouldn't a trip to Vegas be really fun? And remember, what happens in Vegas... [enticingly brings a donut to his face] stays in Vegas. He quickly begins to devour the donut from her hand. Bulldog: Eat up, Doc! Frasier: I will do no such thing! It is not fair, and it is unsportsmanlike. Bulldog: Ah, who's it gonna hurt? Noel doubles over in pain and groans. Bulldog: Shake it off, kid, nobody likes a whiner. Bulldog slaps Noel's head. [SCENE_BREAK] PIGEON DROPPING Scene 2 - Frasier's apartment Martin opens the door to Niles and Daphne Martin: Hey, Niles, Daph. Daphne: [rushing to the powder room] Oh, no time for chitchat, pregnant lady coming through. Martin: [noticing that Niles has a bandage on his hand] What happened to your wrist? Niles: Oh, uh, she rolled over in her sleep and pinned me again. I even saw it coming this time, like the big rock in that Indiana Jones movie. [He hangs his coat.] Martin: Does she know she did it? Niles: No, no, no, I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so I just- I just, uh, made up an excuse... [looking out to the balcony] What is Eddie doing? Martin sits in his chair. While he is speaking, Niles, notices something on the window, wipes it away with his handkerchief. Martin: Oh, he's waiting for a pigeon friend of his. We call him Barney. Flies on the balcony every day and they stare at each other. Those crazy animals. Yesterday they did it for three hours. Niles scoffs in disbelief as he sits on the couch. Martin: No, I'm not making it up, I watched them the whole time. As Niles sits, he bumps his sore wrist. Daphne exits the powder room and sees him wince. Daphne: Oh, is your wrist still bothering you, dear? Niles: Oh, just a little flare-up. Daphne: Poor thing slept on it funny. Woke up screaming like a dying rabbit. She sits. Frasier enters. They greet him. Martin: Hey, Fras, how was the weigh-in? Frasier: Oh, it was appalling, thank you. My teammates ridiculed me for not pigging out beforehand. You know what is it about teams and, and competitions that just brings out the worst in people? He hangs his coat. Martin: Here we go again. Daphne: What? Niles: Well, Frasier and team sports are not a happy mix. Freshman year, in a bid to please Dad... Frasier: There is no need to tell that story. Niles: Frasier inadvertently joined the girls' field hockey team. Frasier: [off their chuckles] The sign-up sheet said "F. Hockey." I assumed it meant "freshman" hockey. Martin: The little plaid skirt didn't tip you off? Frasier: [seething] I thought it was a kilt! He exits. Daphne: Well, I'm starving. Where should we go for dinner? A loud thud is heard against the balcony window. Daphne: What was that? Martin: [gasping] Barney! Oh, Daph, would you take Eddie to my room? I don't want him to see this. Daphne: Come on, boy, come on now. She and Eddie exit. Martin and Niles go to the window. Martin: Oh, how did this happen? Niles: Oh, now, Dad, birds do fly into windows. Martin: I know, that's why I keep a safety smudge right there... huh, where'd it go? Niles realizes. Martin rounds on him. Martin: Niles! Niles: I'm, I'm, I'm sorry. It's, it's a reflex. I-I, I don't even know I'm doing it. They exit to the balcony and stare down. Martin: Are you happy? You killed Eddie's little friend. Poor little guy. [then] Well, what should we do, just kick him over the edge? Niles: Dad, wait, he's still breathing! Martin: Oh! Pick him up! Niles: But birds are notorious carriers of disease. Martin: Oh, here, use my hanky. Niles: [rejecting the hanky] I'll take my chances. He picks up the bird. Martin: Oh, don't you quit on us, Barney! You're gonna be good as new. They head back inside. But Niles is watching Barney so intently that he bumps his own head on the glass. Martin: [as they re-enter] See, that's why we need a safety smudge. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 3 - Channel 6 studio Host Kelly is wrapping up with a chef. [N.B. Bess Armstrong reprises her role as morning-show host Kelly Kirkland from [8.08] Mary Christmas.] Kelly: We'll be right back, to see how our teams are doing in the first week of our Fat to Fit Weight Loss Challenge, so stay right here. Kelly samples something from a spoon the chef offers. The KACL team is to the side, wearing shorts and corporate T-shirts. Bulldog: Hey, look, it's them. The KPXY team are all wearing golden training robes. Roz: Oh, those robes! It makes them look like they're in some kind of cult. Noel: Like the high priests of Asmodeus the Destroyer. [off their looks] Asmodeus - demon of lusts, eater of worlds. Does nobody read my e-mails? Kelly: Welcome back. So let's see how our teams fared this week. Come on in, guys! Come on in! Frasier notices a large, balding man on the KPXY team. Frasier: Kenny, who's that last guy on their team? Kenny: Oh, uh, Wayne Shafter. He's their new general manager. Frasier: [deep and ominous] So...we meet again, Wayne Shafter. Kenny: You know him? Frasier: We went to high school together. He was the captain of the football team - Mr. Popularity - and my chief rival for the affections of our Swedish exchange student Giselle Johannson- Janson. Kenny: Yeah, so, uh, how'd that work out? Frasier: Great. We got married and had six kids. What do you think? Kenny walks away. Frasier decides to make the first contact. Frasier: Wayne Shafter? Wayne: Yeah? Frasier: Frasier Crane. Wayne: Hey, F. Hockey! [He laughs and shakes Frasier's hand.] What have you been up to? Frasier: Oh, you know, not much. Harvard, Oxford, M.D., Ph. D., and then just recently, I... Wayne: Hey, remember that time I took your chess set and made you cry? Frasier: You did not make me cry. I chose to cry as a tactic to elicit sympathy and thereby regain my chess set. Wayne: [scoffing] I threw it in the dumpster behind the cafeteria, didn't I? Frasier: I don't know. It was never found. Wayne: No, I did. Kelly: [who has been talking in the background] And last up for KACL, my old friend, Dr. Frasier Crane. Frasier: Hi, Kelly! [He gives her a friendly embrace.] Kelly: Hey, Fras, good to see you, get up. He steps onto the scale. Kelly: Ouch! One pound heavier, Fras. KPXY cheers quietly. Frasier: Well, that can't be, I've added a salad to every meal. Bulldog and the rest of the team glare at him. Kelly: So, at the end of one week, it's KPXY down 17 pounds, KACL down 9. That's all the time we have. Join me tomorrow when my guests will be the Senior Citizens' Handbell Chorus. Have a neat day! Kelly gives a sunny wave, and the teams join her. Frasier: [pleading his case to his team] Listen. Muscle weighs more than fat, you know, and the way I've been working out lately... Bulldog: Yeah, save it, lard-ass. The team begins to exit. Wayne calls after Frasier. Wayne: Hey, you know, Crane, when they say "Take one for the team," they don't mean another cruller. [He laughs.] Frasier: Oh, shut up, Shafter, you're a cruller. Wayne: Oh, give it up. I'll drop you a postcard from Vegas. Frasier: I'll tell you what, we are going to win this competition, Mister. And when we do, you will replace that chess set. Wayne: Okay, deal. But if we win, you're showing up at our station in your little field hockey uniform. Frasier: You're on, you fat scoundrel. Wayne: All right, shake on it. Wayne offers his hand. Frasier goes to take it, and he pulls it away. Wayne: Psych! Oh, sorry. Sorry, that wasn't cool. Here you go. Frasier falls for it again, and Wayne again pulls back his hand. Wayne: Psych! Frasier begins to exit. Wayne: Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute, it's not a deal unless we shake on it. Come on. Frasier's look says "I'm not falling for it again." Wayne: Come on. I wouldn't do it for a third time. [He smiles.] Frasier: All right. The hand is again pulled back when Frasier reaches for it. Wayne: Psych! God, I missed you! He laughs heartily. FADE OUT. END OF ACT I ACT II Scene 4 - Frasier's apartment Niles and Daphne enter. Niles has a whiplash brace on his neck. Daphne: Hello, Martin! Niles: Hey, Dad! Martin rises from his chair and takes in Niles's brace. Niles: How's Barney doing? Martin: Oh, he's doing a lot better today. Niles: Great. I brought him a treat. Millet and sunflower kernels with added calcium for beak conditioning. [Daphne goes toward the kitchen.] Martin: Mmm. What happened to your neck? Niles: Oh... [He gives a sidelong glance at Daphne.] Fell out of bed. Daphne: He's been so accident-prone lately. Every morning it's something else. She goes into the kitchen. Martin: Shamu jump the tank again? Niles: Fortunately, I moisturized right before bed, so I squirted out like a watermelon seed. Frasier enters in a track suit, very winded. Martin: You all right, son? Frasier: Walked upstairs. Niles: Why did you walk upstairs? Frasier: Burning calories. He begins to do calisthenics against the table behind the couch. Daphne: Oh, yes, I saw you on TV. You know, that Kelly Kirkland is quite an actress. I once saw her in a production of Love Letters with Bill Nye, the Science Guy. [indicating] Tears. A beat as they take that in. Frasier: I've decided to rededicate myself to this diet. The opposing team is captained by my old high school nemesis, Wayne Shafter. Niles: [gasps, then] Which one was he? Frasier: Thick neck, dead eyes... snapped your PBS umbrella. Niles grimaces. Frasier: For the next two weeks, I shall be a speed-walking, calorie- burning, pound-shedding machine. Daphne, didn't you purchase some sort of stomach-tightening apparatus for Dad? Daphne: The Ab Blaster or the Flab Buster? Frasier: Right. I'll tell you what. Bring me both of them. I'll put them together, see if I can get a real good workout going. He notices Niles and Martin caring for Barney. Frasier: So... is that bird nesting in my cashmere scarf? Martin: Yeah, we tried a whole bunch of them. That's the one he likes best. Frasier: All right, that's it. I want that sky rat out of here. Martin: Oh, no! Eddie will be crushed. The bird's like his pet. Frasier: Eddie is a pet. He doesn't get to have a pet. Frasier exits toward his bedroom. Niles: [petting the bird] Well, I guess Barney has pretty well recovered. Martin: [wistfully] Yeah, I guess. Well, time to go, Barney. Oh, Eddie, don't worry. He'll come back and visit you. Niles: It's kind of hard letting him go. They exit to the balcony. Niles: Now I know how you must have felt all those times when you dropped me off at musical theater camp. Sad and frightened... He goes out the door, Martin lingers. Martin: [with a meaningful pause] Lots of emotions, son. He follows Niles onto the balcony. Niles: Barney, remember us fondly as you spread your wings and soar free. Niles shuts his eyes and throws the bird upward. Martin's eyes and head follow the bird as he drops like a rock. Martin: Oh, my God! Barney! Niles: [searching the skies] Where did he go? Is he soaring free? Martin: He bounced off the railing, and landed on the Cunninghams' balcony. Niles: Dad, look! His wing just moved! He's alive! Martin: I'll go get him. Niles: Hurry, hurry! Martin goes back inside. Niles: [yelling down] Don't you die! I love you, you tough old bird! [then] Not you, Mrs. Cunningham. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 5 - KACL Kenny is in the booth. Bulldog enters. Both of them are edgy. Bulldog: Hey, what did I tell you about smoking in the booth? Roz enters from the studio holding a cigarette. Roz: Oh, bite me. I need something to kill my appetite -besides your STUPID, UGLY FACE!! Bulldog backs off. Kenny: Gotcha, Bulldog. Bulldog pinches Kenny's nipple, hard. Kenny: Ow! What did I tell you about that? [N.B. In fact, David Hyde Pierce is the only member of the regular cast who does not smoke. He also insists that Jane Leeves not have a cigarette before any scene that requires him to kiss her.] Gil enters. Gil: Thieves! Brigands! I had three-and-a-half ounces of sashimi- grade ahi in the fridge and one of you has stolen it. Bulldog: Not me. Roz: Well, it wasn't me! And it wasn't Noel. He thinks I'm going to do him in Vegas, so he's barely eaten in two weeks. [She laughs.] That's why he keeps fainting. They all stare at Kenny. Roz drags her cigarette. Kenny: All right, I took it and I liked it! What are you going to do about it? [Bulldog pinches his nipple again.] Ow! It wasn't even your fish! [Bulldog pinches his other nipple.] OW! Unseen before, Noel now rises from the floor, bumping his head on the desk. Noel: How long was I out that time? Roz: [suggestively] Ten minutes, big boy. Noel: I've got a bump the size of an egg. Kenny: Don't say "egg." Noel: Don't tell me what to say. Gil: I'm still waiting for my ahi. Roz: Put a sock in it, Princess. Gil: How dare you? Roz: How dare you! Bulldog: Should I crack the egg, Noel, huh? They all begin to scream at each other at once. Frasier enters. Frasier: People! People, STOP IT! They are silent. Frasier: Now, listen, I understand that we're all a bit cranky... Gil: Cranky? We're starving. I'm not sure I can hold on much longer. Frasier: We've only got one day more to go. We can't crack now when we're this close to victory! All right, everyone - take a deep breath. They all inhale. Roz begins to hack in an obvious smokers' cough. Frasier: Yes, Roz, cough it all up. We don't want any extra phlegm weight. A crowd outside the studio begins to sing "Happy Birthday." Noel: Whose birthday is it? Kenny: Gina in accounting. Roz: Who's Gina again? Bulldog: New chick. So-so face, a little big in the can. Gil: Perhaps I'll go wish dear Gina well. Bulldog: Hey, good idea. They all agree. Frasier: Now, that's the team spirit! We may be dieting, but we can still nourish ourselves on some good office fellowship. Please give Gina my regards as well. Bulldog: Okay, Doc, see ya. They all say good-bye to Frasier and exit the booth. Frasier: [to himself] Oh, it's a good team... Good people... Behind him, they all race past the window. Frasier: [realizing] Good God! [calling and running after them] Wait! It's not worth it! It's sheetcake! [SCENE_BREAK] BYE BYE BIRDIE Scene 6 - Frasier's apartment The team are all there. Bulldog is wearing a loud silver jumpsuit and doing rapid step exercises, up and down the little step. Gil is seated on the couch, Kenny is in Martin's chair, Roz is smoking near the balcony window. Gil: Will you stop that infernal bouncing? Bulldog: No, sir. No, sir. Gotta keep moving. Constant movement equals constant calorie burn. You sure you guys don't want some appetite suppressants? Bulldog stops briefly and gulps down several pills from a bottle. Roz: What the hell are those things anyway? Bulldog: [over-stimulated] They're fine, they're fine, they're natural, they have ginseng. He takes another shot of them, and begins to do stair exercises again. Frasier is standing in front of the door and is bumped when Niles and Martin try to enter. Frasier: Oh, come on in, Dad. Martin and Niles enter, Niles carrying a bag. Martin: What's going on? Frasier: Well, we had a bit of a discipline breakdown. We've all agreed to spend the last twelve hours before the final weigh- in policing each other. It's a good thing you had dinner out. I've purged the apartment of all foodstuffs. Niles: Who's that gentleman on the floor? All: Noel. Frasier: He passes out from time to time, but not to worry, I'm sure the next searing stomach cramp will bring him around. Noel rises from in front of the fireplace with a loud groan. Frasier: [patting Noel on the back] There you are. You can set your watch by him. All right, everybody. I believe my bathroom has probably finished its transformation into a steam room by now. If you'll all join me, we can relax and sweat off a few extra ounces. Bulldog: [excitedly] Okay, you heard the doc, let's go, let's go, let's go. Frasier leads them all back, Bulldog shepherding them from the rear. He slaps Noel's head as they go. Niles and Martin approach the box on the bookcase containing the bird. Niles: [opening the box] Hey, Barney. How's my favorite patient? Niles reaches a hand in. Martin: Hey, making progress. He doesn't even flinch anymore at the sound of your voice. Niles: He's letting me stroke his wing. You know what? I'm going to put this birdseed in a bowl. Niles goes back to the kitchen. Martin: [to the bird] Oh, you know, there's a sad little fellow who's been dying to say hello to you all day. He places the box on the floor next to Eddie. Martin: That's better. Eddie, come on, say hello. Eddie rapaciously sticks his head in the box and grabs the bird. Martin: Oh, my God, Eddie! Eddie! Eddie runs into the hallway carrying Barney in his jaws. Niles: [o.s.] Hey, Dad? Martin: Oh, no. He grabs the box and places it back on the bookshelf, closing the lid. Niles: [coming out of the kitchen with a bowl] I've been thinking. You know... Martin: [shushing him] Shh. Keep it quiet. That wing rub you gave him put him right to sleep. Niles: Well, that's kind of sweet. Well, uh, I'll just go home. He sets down the bowl of birdseed. Niles: You know, Dad, I think he may like me even more than he likes Eddie. Martin: [with simultaneous irony and truth] No contest. Niles exits. Martin heads back. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 7 - Frasier's bathroom The room is filled with steam. The "team" are all there, only visible as an odd arm and leg here and there. Bulldog is still wearing his jumpsuit, Roz is wearing a robe, and the other men are wearing towels. Bulldog: How much longer, Doc? Frasier: Another half an hour. Roz: I can't keep my cigarette lit. Noel's voice comes from the floor, indicating he is lying down. Noel: [weakly] Roz, take my hand. Roz: Fine, Noel, I'll take your stupid hand. She gets up and fumbles around. Roz: Where are you...? Gil: Roz! Roz: Oh, my God! Put on a towel, you perv. Gil: If I had known this sort of thing went on in steam rooms, I'd never have let you lure me in. Frasier: All right, just relax, team. Feel the steam literally melting the pounds away. A moment of silence. Kenny: Oh, I'm about to faint. I'm going to grab some water. He exits. Bulldog: You sure you want to leave him alone out there? He could be on his way to Pizza Hut. Frasier: Good point. I'll just go check on him. He exits. By now everyone is practically invisible. Roz: It's weird, my skin tastes kind of salty. Beat. Bulldog: Oh, I'd say mostly sweet, but a little salty. Heh, heh, heh. Roz: That wasn't me, Bulldog. Gil: That was me you licked. And if it happens again, I shall consider it strike one. CUT TO: Kenny walking toward the kitchen wearing a robe. On the way he sees the birdseed and samples it. Kenny: Mmm. He walks back to the kitchen. Frasier follows, belting his robe. On the way, he observes the bird's feathers on the floor. He picks one up and releases it, horrified. He opens the bird's box, sees the bird is gone, and jumps back. Kenny enters from the kitchen, licking his finger and picking his teeth. Frasier eyes him with suspicion and shock. Kenny looks guilty. Frasier: Kenny... what did you just eat? Kenny: [sucking his teeth] Nothing. Frasier: You have a toothpick! Kenny: Oh, all right, I couldn't take it anymore. I only had a mouthful. Frasier: [screaming] Dear God! The rest of the team rushes in. Noel and Gil are now wearing robes, and Gil - this kills me - has a pink towel wrapped turban-style around his head. Bulldog: What happened? Frasier: This ravenous madman's just eaten a live pigeon! Kenny: No, I didn't! I only had some seeds. Gil: If Kenny gets seeds, we all get seeds. Roz: Where are they? Bulldog: No, get away! I saw them first! They all rush toward the birdseed and struggle for it. Roz: No, give me those! The bowl goes flying and scatters birdseed all over the floor. They clamber over Martin's chair, diving for the birdseed. Frasier: Stop it! Stop it! Stop this madness! Look at yourselves! They stop and look up. Roz's hair is completely messed up. Frasier: Dear God, we are hours away from victory and look at you, plucking around the floor like a clutch of crazed capons. Try to conjure up some image to give us strength. Imagine yourselves winning. Imagine yourselves in Vegas! Roz: [whining] I'm still hungry! Martin enters from the hallway. Martin: Stay out of the hallway, Eddie just threw up a dead pigeon, and now he's eating it again. Martin exits. They all rise saying such things as "Okay, that's it," and "That'll do it for me." Kenny spits out the seed residue in his mouth. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene 8 - Channel 6 Studio Kelly Kirkland introduces the segment. Kelly: Next up, the final weigh-in in our Fat to Fit Weight Loss Challenge, so stay right here. The team are in their KACL T-shirts. Frasier: Okay. Everybody take off your watches, jewelry, hairpins, shoes, anything that'll add just an ounce of weight. The other team, led by Shafter, enters in their robes. Wayne: Hey, Crane! Looking forward to seeing you in your field hockey skirt. Frasier: Oh, yeah? I'm going to be so busy playing with that new chess set you're gonna buy me that I won't even have time to put on my skirt... Not that I still have it! Kelly: Welcome back! And here they are, come on in folks! KPXY, you're up first. The KPXY team is weighed. Instead of a one-person scale, for the final weigh-in they've prepared a trampoline-sized scale for the whole team, with a big electronic display. Bulldog: Okay, guys. Huddle up, here's the plan. I'll stand in the middle. You surround me, and lift me up, so I'm not even touching the scale. They stare at him. Bulldog: What? The scale dings. Kelly: Wow, you have lost an impressive 44 pounds, 2 ounces. Great job, guys! The KPXY team congratulates each other. Noel: [delirious] I see giant steaks with legs. Bulldog: You're hallucinating. [He slaps Noel's head.] Just pull it together. Kenny: Uh, no, he's right. It's the Beef Council Dancers. They're on after us. Noel slaps Bulldog's head. Kelly: Okay, Team KACL, up you go. They mount the scale. It dings. Kelly: Oh, my goodness! 44 pounds even. You lose by two ounces! They all begin to groan. Roz: No! I'm not getting emphysema for this. She reaches for her purse and grabs a pair of scissors, handing it to Gil. She then lifts her ponytail. Roz: Cut me! Gil: I can't! Roz: Cut me, damn it! Gil grimaces as he does so. Roz puts down her ponytail and the scissors. The scale now changes to 44 lb. 3 oz. Kelly: Oh, my God! 44 pounds, 3 ounces! They're on their way to Vegas! The KACL team cheers (as does the studio audience). The KPXY team reacts with disgust, and appear to want to cry foul. The KACL team goes off to the side Kelly: Don't go away! When we come back, we have a little dance number that's both "rare" and "well done." She smiles broadly. The show fades out to music. Shafter approaches Frasier. Wayne: Okay, Crane, you won. Frasier: Yes, I did, Shafter. Wayne: So, where do I pick up this chess set? Frasier: The Rook Nook. Ask for Cyril. Tell him you were sent by Dr. Frasier Crane... Frasier holds out his hand for Wayne to shake. He takes the bait. Frasier: PSYCH... He pulls his hand back as Wayne goes to shake it. Frasier: ...iatrist. The KACL team cheers, giving Frasier hugs and high-fives. [SCENE_BREAK] END OF ACT II [SCENE_BREAK] The team is enjoying a small feast from a side table in the television studio. They all exit together, except for Noel, who indicates that he will follow. Roz is the last to leave. Noel rushes back to the scale area and picks up the lock of Roz's hair. He sniffs it lovingly, and tucks it inside his shirt, whereupon he rushes back in the direction the team left.	Plan: A: The KACL team; Q: Who loses the weight loss competition? A: KACL; Q: Who wins the weight loss competition? A: a competing radio station; Q: Who does the KACL team have a weight loss competition with? A: The whole team; Q: Who pigs out just before the first weigh-in? A: the original numbers; Q: What do the KACL team pig out to bloat? A: Frasier; Q: Who refuses to participate in the weight loss competition? A: "blatant unsportsmanship; Q: What does Frasier call the act of pigging out before the first weigh-in? A: a pigeon; Q: What flies into Frasier's window? A: Frasier's glass window; Q: What does a pigeon fly into in the episode's sub-plot? A: Martin; Q: Who reveals that Eddie ate the pigeon? A: health; Q: What do Niles and Martin nurse the pigeon back to? A: his "mortal enemies; Q: What does Frasier call the people who are on the opposing team? A: his high school days; Q: When did Frasier first meet his "mortal enemy"? A: a bet; Q: What did Frasier and his old high school enemy make? A: a new chess set; Q: What does Frasier's dignity lose to in the weight loss competition? A: increasingly extreme measures; Q: What does the KACL team undergo to lose weight? A: a complete fast 24 hours; Q: What is one of the extreme measures the KACL team undergoes to lose weight? A: a steam room; Q: What did Frasier convert his bathroom into? A: the entire KACL team; Q: Who does Frasier invite to use his steam room? A: the kitchen; Q: Where did Kenny Daly go to get a glass of water? A: his intentions; Q: What did the KACL team suspect of Kenny Daly? A: Frasier monitor; Q: Who did the KACL team suggest that Kenny Daly not eat anything? A: feathers; Q: What does Kenny Daly leave in the pigeon's box? A: the others; Q: Who did Frasier's shocked cries bring? A: the final few hours; Q: When does everyone lose their appetites for the competition? A: a mere 2 ounces; Q: How much did the KACL team lose by at the final weigh-in? A: Roz; Q: Who cuts off her hair to win the competition? Summary: The KACL team has a weight loss competition with a competing radio station. The whole team pigs out just before the first weigh-in just in order to bloat the original numbers. Frasier, however, refuses to participate in such an act of "blatant unsportsmanship ". In the episode's sub-plot, a pigeon flies into Frasier's glass window. Niles and Martin take it upon themselves to nurse it back to health. At the initial weigh-in, Frasier recognizes one of his "mortal enemies" from his high school days participating on the opposing team. The two make a bet on the outcome of the winner, with Frasier's dignity pitted up against a new chess set. The KACL team undergoes increasingly extreme measures to lose weight, including a complete fast 24 hours before the final weigh-in. Furthermore, Frasier has converted his bathroom into a steam room , and invites the entire KACL team to use it to shed some more weight before the final weigh-in. In conclusion of the sub-plot, Eddie takes the pigeon out of the box and eats it unbeknown to Frasier. Shortly afterwards, Kenny Daly says he needs to get a glass of water from the kitchen. Suspicious of his intentions, the KACL team suggest Frasier monitor that he doesn't eat anything. He then finds Kenny eating something and feathers all round the pigeon's box. Frasier's shocked cries bring the others. Martin then reveals it was Eddie who ate the pigeon.This news makes everyone lose their appetites for the final few hours of the competition. But at the final weigh-in, the KACL team loses by a mere 2 ounces. Roz then cuts off her hair and KACL wins the competition.
[Brian has followed up on his backroom diagnosis. He's sitting in a doctor's office and the doc is showing him the results of the ultrasound.] Doc: I suspect it's a seminoma. A testicular cancer quite common in men your age. However, we can't be sure until we perform a biopsy. Brian: How do you do that? Doc: Well, first we'd have to remove the testicle. Brian: That's what I was afraid you were gonna say. And if I don't have cancer, then - you put it back in? Doc: Unfortunately, no. Brian: I was afraid you were gonna say that, too. Doc: However, the good news is that the procedure is relatively simple. As for the other testi, it will still be completely functional and neither your sexual performance nor your fertility will be affected. Brian: That is good news. I'll be a one-balled wonder. Doc: No, no, no. We give you a prosthetic replacement. [Getting out of his chair, he takes a box off the shelf and shows it to Brian. It's a box full of balls of all different shapes and sizes. Ball implants.] Doc: Here, help yourself. Brian: Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't. Doc: It will look and feel completely natural. Of course, we try to match your original testicle as closely as possible. Brian: Not too big, not too small, just right. (Picks up one of the implants) So, what are my chances? Doc: With surgery and follow-up procedure, 99 percent. Not bad. Brian: And without surgery? Doc: The cancer will spread through your body. It will invade your vital organs and you will die. [Cut to - guess who! Ted at a 12-step meeting. ] Woman: This one year is clearity is meant more to me than all my other fourty years of pain and confusion. And for that I would like to thank the person who helped get me here. Sometimes he had to drag me here - my sponsor Blake. Blake is my rock. And I don't know what I would have done without him, Blake I never meet anyone who was more integrity than you. Thank you for being there for me. For being my friend, for believing in me. [Everybody applauds. You can see that Blake isn't comfortable with that.] [The day of Vic's funeral. Michael, Ben, Hunter and Emmett are sitting around in the Novotny living room waiting for Deb to make an appearance so they can leave. They've been waiting awhile, apparently. Michael's getting antsy.] Michael: Shall I go and get her? Ben: Give her a few more minutes. Emmett: She was up most of the night. I heard her rattling around the kitchen. Ben: That can't be a good sign. Emmett: And this morning, she was just pacing back and forth in her room. Hunter: Like Mary Tyrone? Michael: Who? Hunter: Didn't any of you illiterates ever read Long Day's Journey Into Night? Ben: Part of the 10th grade English curriculum. Hunter: Compared to some of the foster homes I was in, it's the fckin' Brady Bunch. Michael: Would you show a little respect? Sit down! Ben: Michael. Michael: It's my uncle's funeral. (Hunter gives him a look.) If she doesn't get her ass down here in two minutes, we're gonna be late! Hunter: Like the guy's gonna give a sh1t! Emmett: I'm not sure she's up for this. Michael: That makes two of us. Ben: She wouldn't miss his funeral. Michael: Who knows, after the fight they had? I better go get her. [Just when Michael's about to go upstairs and get Deb, she comes down. She's totally composed, all cool, calm and collected.] Debbie: Why is everybody sitting around? Michael, are you the driver? Then let's go. [Everybody's at the gravesite - even Jennifer.] Minister: Before we consign our brother Victor Anthonio Grassi to the arms of our loving and netherless god is there anyone who would like to offer a personal rememberance? [Michael delivers a little eulogy.] Michael: It's so hard. Where do I start? My uncle Vic was the first person I ever told I was gay. He laughed and said, "Thank God, now your grandmother will have someone else's soul to pray for." That's how he was - never unsentimental, unlike me. Always facing adversity with a smile and a cynical remark. I'm sure if he saw us here today, he'd say, "What the hell are ya wasting your time on a dead man for? Go get laid!" So I just want to say, thank you, Uncle Vic, for everything you've taught me. You were a brave man. A good man. Which is all we can ever hope to be. Minister: Anyone else? Emmett: He made a fcking fabulous tarte aux pommes with creme fraiche. Mel: He was the only person I knew who look good in a Hawaiin shirt. Well, almost. Justin: He was gay before it became fashionable. Rodney: I never heart him complain. Not once. He lived in gratitude. [Michael looks at Deb: aren't you going to say anything? She shakes her head no. It must be the first time ever that Deb hasn't had anything to say. After the funeral on the way back.] Michael: Ma, your okay? Debbie: I'm doin' fine. Rodney: [to Emmett] His boxes still unpacked. He said, 'What's the hurry?' Emmett: I think that's why he mean live in now. Rodney: It's hard to do when he dies so fast. [Behind them Ted walking alone. Behind Ted, Mel and Linds. Behind the lesbian Ben and Hunter.] Ben: You okay, pal? Hunter: Yeah, sure. [Behind them Brian, Jen and Justin.] Brian: All I say it 's better to go out when you're young, in a blaze of glory, than to get old and diseased. Justin: He might feel differently if it were you. Jen: Well, at least you didn't get sick and linger. That's the worst. Brian: Yeah, that's in extremely poor taste. [Most of the funeral party winds up back at Deb's house, where she's making herself way too busy. She bustles around, offering everybody more wine.] Debbie: Here, more wine, sweetheart. Thank you. Michael: Can I give you a hand? Debbie: No, I'm good at that. How about you, sweetheart? Ben: Thank you, Deb. Mel: Want you the cake a caseboard or a refridge? Debbie: I want you to sit down. All of you. Really, I'll take care of it. Jen: Debbie, you have stepped all day. Lindsay: We're starting in the center a new class. I think I'll should sign up for pottery. How about you come and join me, Deb? Jen: That's a wonderful idea. Debbie: Well, I'm italian. I need only food and plenty of vino. Rodney: Deb. Debbie: How do you do, baby? Rodney: As good as you. Here, I broughed you this. I think you would like to do. Debbie: Sure honey. That's really thoughful. Rodney: It contains family fotos, his rings and watch. There is also a letter address to you. Debbie: A letter. For me? Rodney: Why you don't took off when you're a little tired? Debbie: No, no. You go ahead and get some rest. I'm okay. Here, take this. You gonna eat, you hear me? [Rodney kisses Debbie. All say goodbye to Rodney. Debbie goes to the box and take the letter to her. Michael comes up to Debbie while she's reading the letter.] Michael: Why don't you let Mel and Lindz and Jennifer help you? (Sees Deb looking at the letter) What's that? Debbie: Oh, it's a letter from your Uncle Vic. He wrote it to me a few years ago when he was sick and he thought he was gonna die. Michael: What does it say? Debbie: It says - we're gonna have a party. We're gonna have a party. [She hugs Michael.] [Blake, the best substance abuse counselor in the entire universe, has thoughtfully brought Ted some Thai food.] Ted: Seeing that box and knowing Victor's inside... that was... tough. Blake: How sad. Ted: But Debbie picked up a real nice shirt with cool dancer and pop trickies. Blake: I guess you must be something wearing while you were dancing. Oh, I hope that ties was okay. Ted: It's amazing... Blake: Only good taste. Ted: ...how caring you are. It's just like everybody at the meeting said. [Blake looks nervous. There's something in Ted's manner that's just a little too personal.] Blake: I know how stressful funerals can be. I figured you can use a little - comfort. Ted: I think she had the right counselor. Blake: We have pat thai and a few grow up. Ted: I love it. [Ted puts his arms around Blake. Blake looks really, really uncomfortable. Then Ted starts kissing him.] Ted: You know the whole time, and I know it's awful but... it could it be me. All those people, Michael and Brian, Mel and Lindz, Emmett... they could be for my funeral. You know what else I was thinking? How much I will kiss you... [he kisses Blake.] And bite you... and fck you... and suck you. Blake: But the food gets cold! Ted: Better the thai food than you! [Michael and Ben on their way home.] Ben: I expected the funeral was a desaster but as it turns out, your mother well-behaved, you made a beautiful speech and the hair was great. Michael: Thanks. Wasn't it strange how cold she was up? Ben: Well, my guess is she's still in shock. Besides it'll will take in her own time. Michael: Jesus, did you smell that? [They enter the apartment to find Hunter stretched out on the couch smoking weed.] Michael: What the hell are you doing? Hunter: Smoking your hidden joint. What the hell does it look like? Michael: Is that why you didn't want to come with us to my mom's? So you could stay here and get stoned? Hunter: Beats the hell out of eating cold cuts and listening to stories about some old guy I hardly knew! Michael: That old guy happened to be my uncle. Hunter: Then you go get all teary-eyed. I prefer having a toke. [He gets up off the couch and slams into his room.] Ben: We're fostering a minor, Michael. If they found out we had pot or any other illegal substances around the house, we could lose him. Michael: I forgot I even had it. Brian gave it to me for emergencies. Ben: He obviously went snooping and found it. [Michael sits down on the couch and fires up the remainder of the joint.] Ben: Michael? What are you DOING? [Michael lies down on the couch with the joint in one hand and a scrunched-up look of agony on his face.] Michael: This is an emergency. Ben: Michael, we can't tell him not to use drugs if we do it ourselves. Michael: Course we can! That's what parenting's all about. [Justin is feeding Brian Chinese food with chopsticks. Brian opens his fortune cookie.] Brian: A surprise awaits you. What's yours say? Justin: The man you love will slowly and sensually peel off all his clothes for you, exposing his perfect body. (He slithers down so hishead is now strategically placed in Brian's lap) Then he will take out his bee-you-tiful dick. Then you can suck it. Brian: This is a long fortune. Justin: There's more. Next, he'll rim your ass to get you crazy, then ram his cock up you and fck you so hard you pass out. [Justin is kissing Brian all the time he's talking.] Brian: In bed. Justin: Hm? Brian: You're supposed to add "in bed" to the end of that fortune. Justin: I was thinking on the floor. Brian: Okay. [They kiss. Then Justin slips his hand down Brian's pants. Just checking the equipment. Brian flinches and pulls himself up to a sitting position.] Justin: What? Brian: Nothing. Your hands are cold. Justin: I'll warm them up. Brian: That's okay. (Yawns) I'm kinda tired. [Justin looks confuzzled. This has to be a first.] [At the Novotny house. Emmett wakes up with a jolt to the strains of "Joy to the World." He stumbles downstairs to find Deb playing Christmas carols and decorating the house with Christmas decorations.] Emmett: OK, when I went to bed, it was February and I only took one Xanax. So exactly how long have I been asleep? [Deb is swearing, struggling to put up a Christmas tree.] Debbie: fck! I can't tell if these branches are tops or bottoms. Emmett: You'd have to ask another tree about that one. Deb - Debbie: Oh, can't you see? It's Christmas! Emmett: Christmas. Debbie: But before you call the loony bin and have them cart me away, it's for a damn good reason. (She shows him Vic's letter.) Rodney brought this letter Vic wrote a few years ago. It was about the time we thought we were gonna lose him. It was just before Christmas and the doctors said he didn't look like he was gonna make it. So in the letter, he made me promise that even if he wasn't here, he still wanted us to have the most beautiful holiday ever. Emmett: But Deb, he was here. And not just for that Christmas but for many more Christmases. Debbie: Yeah, but he's gone now. So I say, what better way to pay tribute than to have one last celebration? Emmett: That's very sweet, Deb. Aren't you a little late? Debbie: It doesn't matter. When somebody you love writes you a letter and asks you to do something, you've got no choice but to do it. (She turns back to the tree) You know, chopping down a fckin' tree would've been easier! [Ted and Blake in are bed the morning after. They're all cuddled up - only something's wrong with this picture. Blake looks totally freaked out. Ted's kissing all over him.] Ted: Hey, sleepy head. We're must up in a few minutes ago. Blake: I know. Ted: Haven't you places to be, things to do, peoples to see? Blake: Yeah, I rather get up. Ted: Oh, first we should relieve that morning stiffness. Blake: Ted. Ted, please, please... Ted: You're not in the mood? Blake: I don't think we'll do this today. Ted, please, don't think it has something to do with you. Ted: With me? Blake: It's not. Ted: Of course, never is(!) Blake: I've should have known better. Ted: To get involved? Blake: It was a mistake. Ted: To fall in love? Have sx? Be close? Blake: The program - Ted: fck the program! This is my life! I'm allowed to make my own decisions! Blake: Yes, and as your counselor, it's my responsibility to help you make the right ones! Ted: You have! You've helped me more than you know! It's just like the woman at that meeting said. I don't know what I would've done or how I could've survived without you. Blake: That doesn't include sleeping with you. Ted: Then why did you? To make amends? Blake: The same reason you did. Because I wanted to. But it's hurting you. Ted: Hurting me? How could it be hurting me? Blake: Because you need to focus on yourself right now. Nothing else is important. That includes me. [He walks off to finish getting dressed leaving Ted shaking his head in disbelief.] [SCENE_BREAK] [Cut to Ben and Hunter in front of Hunter's school. It looks like Hunter got in a fight. He's got a black eye.] Hunter: fcking asshole tripped me! Then he lied and said it was an accident. Ben: So you hit him? Hunter: Gotta stand up for yourself. Ben: And what if he'd made you bleed? Then everyone would need to know you're positive. Is that what you want? Hunter: Yeah, that's exactly what I want. Ben: Look. You've been doing great, better than anyone expected. Hunter: Proving what? That hustlers not only can give expert head, they can even write a book report? Ben: That's not what I meant. So why would you fck it up? Hunter: As if it matters what I get on my SAT scores or if I'm a National Merit Scholar, since I'm gonna end up in a box like Vic. Ben: Look. Not long ago, the person who infected me died. Hunter: You knew him. Ben: Yeah. Hunter: And you didn't kill him. Ben: He was my ex-lover. Hunter: sh1t! You can't trust anyone. Ben: The point is - afterward, I did some pretty self-destructive things. Hunter: Like what? Ben: Like taking steroids because I thought they'd make me healthier, but they only did more harm than good. And it didn't change the fact that I still have this thing inside of me, same as you. But no matter how scared or angry we are, we can't self-destruct. We can't let it sabotage our lives. Hunter: I don't know what the fck you're talking about! Dude, I told you. The guy tripped me. That's all! Ben: All right, that's all it was. [When Michael comes in, he's slightly dumfounded.] Michael: Holy Christ! Debbie: Oh, I don't have it. Thanks for reminding me. It's a long time you don't see this, huh? He still love him. But this year we got all the way! Just like we're used to. [Debbie rushes above.] Emmett: Well, I leave it to your deal. Michael: Where you're going? Emmett: Christmas shopping. Only 310 days left! [Emmett leaves and Deb comes downstairs] Debbie: I goes these stairs twenty four times a day. Michael: I think it's really nice what your doin' for Uncle Vic but don't wear yourself out. Debbie: Oh, I'm fine. Michael: At least, let me help you. Debbie: No, it's okay. Michael: I'm happy to. Debbie: Michael, would you let go? I don't need your goddamn help! I just have to do this - all of it - by myself, OK? Michael: But why? Debbie: Because it was Vic's last request and if I do all of it perfectly, the way that he wanted, then maybe - it just has to be right, that's all. Nothing can go wrong! [She runs upstairs.] [Lindsay brings Gus to visit Brian.] Brian: (taking Gus) Does no one respect privacy anymore? Is it all a forgotten right? Lindsay: Gus has been saying Dada all day. Brian: So he's developed a sudden interest in German surrealism. Lindsay: I think he means you. Try to be amusing? He's been an enfant terrible all day. [Brian's watching a James Dean movie. Brian muses on the topic with Gus.] Brian: What's that? You see that cute boy, Gus? He not only knew how to live, he knew how to die. Instead of watching himself get old and gross, seeing himself gradually decompose, he went out in a blaze of glory, both balls intact. Lindsay: Isn't he a little young for James Dean? Brian: You don't want him watching Teletubbies, do you? It might make him gay. Lindsay: You know, in your own weird, subversive way, you're not a bad father. Brian: I prefer to see myself as the anti-dad. Lindsay: Well, whatever you are, if you'd like more time with him, all you have to do is ask. Brian: I think I'll stick to my unaccredited cameo appearances. Lindsay: You know, one day in the not-too-distant future, we'll be watching him graduate from school. Then I imagine he'll meet a lovely young girl - or boy - get married maybe, have grandchildren maybe - Brian: You really know how to kill a moment, don't you? Lindsay: Don't worry, I'm sure you'll be the hottest, handsomest anti-grandpa ever. [Michael, Ben and Hunter are having dinner. Michael's bitching out Hunter.] Michael: And to top off everything else, you had to get suspended! Hunter: It's not like I called in a bomb threat. Michael: That's not the point, smart-ass! I've got enough sh1t to worry about without having to worry about you, too! Hunter: So stop worrying. Michael: I will worry as much as I goddamn well please. What the hell were you thinking? Hunter: I wasn't thinking anything. Michael: Obviously! [Hunter gets up to leave the table.] Michael: You are not excused! Hunter: I'm not gonna sit here and get yelled at! Michael: If you'd quit acting like an idiot - Ben: Michael, stop. Michael: Well, that's all we need is for him to get into trouble! Ben: [to Hunter] Go to your room. Go on. Michael: He's got to understand he can't go around picking fights. And you can't coddle him! Ben: I wasn't coddling him. Michael: What he could use is some discipline! Ben: What he can use is some understanding. Look - I know you've got a lot to deal with. But so does he. Michael: It's not his uncle who just died. It's not his mother who's gone around the bend! Ben: No, but he's the one who's 16, who's positive, who's dealing with an HIV-related death for the first time. Try to imagine how terrifying that must be. So if he's acting out right now, it's because he's scared shitless. Michael: I'm sorry. I didn't think. Ben: Why should you? You don't have it. [It's Ted. He enters Babylon for the first time since the accident. All around him the guys takes drugs. He goes upstairs and he runs into his former associates and an old friend - Tina.] Tina: Look, who it is! Teddy-boy! Where the fck have you been? You're in the circuit? Ted: Yeah. Tina: We're going over to Dr.See's later. We wanna come, come, come? Ted: No, thanks, guys. I was wondering... if you have... you know... Tina: A little Tina? Ted: No, thanks. Tina: Special one-time offer. First tip on me. [Ted looks downstairs and see Justin and Emmett at the bar.] Justin: He's never turned me down before. Emmett: I have to admit, it doesn't sound like the Brian Kinney we all know and feel ambivalent about! [Cut briefly back to Ted.] Ted: I want to go. [Back again to Justin and Emmett at the bar.] Justin: Maybe I'm getting too old for him. Maybe it's the hair. Emmett: I love the hair. And if you're too old, the rest of us should be in assisted care. Justin: Then what? Emmett: Maybe you're in a slump. It happens in the best of non-relationships. Try spicing it up! Justin: But there's nothing and practically no one we haven't done. Emmett: All it takes is a couple of new ingredients to perk up an old, familiar dish. [He turns Justin's head to see two likely prospects. Justin's eyes light up. Brian returns home after a hard day at work to find Justin with the two tricks.] Trick #1: [to Trick #2] He IS hot. Trick #2: Uh-huh. Justin: Thought you might like a long, hard night after a hard, long day. Brian: I just remembered I left something at the office. [Hunter and Mikey are walking their bikes.] Michael: I want you to wear something nice for the party. It's a special occasion, so that we're look to our best. And when time after school you got a hair-cut. Hunter: I do a make-up? Because I'm not goin'. [He rides off. Mikey wobbles off after him.] Michael: The least you could do is try and make an appearance! Hunter: I don't do the Santa ride. Especially when it's not even fcking Christmas! Michael: It's important to her. To respect Vic's wishes. Hunter: So what's she gonna do when I croak? Throw me an Easter egg hunt? Michael: You're not gonna croak. You're gonna be around for a long, long time. Hunter: How do you know? Answer me! Michael: I don't. Hunter: Then don't fckin' say anything. Michael: That's why it's important we all live in the now, like Ben says. Hunter: That's awesome advice, dude. Ben's Buddhist bullshit has really inspired me. Well, better get a move on before I run out of now! [He starts off on his bike again. Michael wobbles after him again.] Michael: Hey! Hey! You don't have to go if you don't want to. C'mon. [Back at home, Ted contemplates his vial of Tina. Just then, there's a timely knock at the door. It's Emmett.] Ted: Who is it? Emmett: Uh, Christmas angel. [he opens the door.] Emmett: Saison greeting's. [looks in Ted's confused face] I'm trying to get the spirit for Vic's... never mind. I just drop by to tell you that I, uh, read for letter. Ted: You did? Emmett: Three times, actually. It's very well written. In fact more than that. Ted: I got the little story turn me on. Do you know where the business cards stand? Emmett: Oh, I love that story and a cute rich guy, Morgan, runs it. Ted: Yeah, he's hot, isn't he? Emmett: Yeah, the letter. So, I... I read it and... Ted: Wait a minute. You threw it away to me. I ditched it. Emmett: Luckily for both of us Blake retrieved it and gave it back to me. Ted: I didn't know he did that. Emmett: Well, I'm glad he did. Cause it tells the truth. There was a part of me that didn't want you to recover. I wanted you to be in pain. Well, I think you deserved that. Cunty, huh? Ted: Not really. I thoughed the same way myself. Emmett: Anyway, I'm huh... tell Blake he is a damn good counselor and a damn good friend. Because he care so much about you. You lucky to you him. Well Teddy, I wish you the best. [Then he leaves. Ted looks close to tears.] [At Brian's loft. It's one of those Brian-and-Mikey scenes. They're smoking a joint.] Michael: Do you suddenly feel a preponderance of death? Brian: Wasn't that a play by Arthur Miller? Michael: It's an unsettling observation by Michael Novotny. (Whiny) Everywhere I turn I'm confronted with the inevitable fact of one's mortality. Brian: Death can really hang you up the most. Michael: It's not only meant Vic, Ben and Hunter. It's a horrible thing to say and I don't even like to think it, but they could die, just like him, and I'd be the one left to pack up their stuff and turn out the lights - Brian: Just because they're positive doesn't mean they're gonna be the first to go. Hell, it could be you. You could step out in the street - get hit by a Mercedes compressor. It's so much classier than a bus. Michael: Thanks. Brian: Go down to the Post Office to buy a stamp, get blown away by a disgruntled postal worker. In case you haven't noticed these days, they're all disgruntled. [Michael hugs Brian. Brian just sort of lets him. He walks over to the fridge, gets out a couple of bottles of beer.] Michael: I just get scared of the thought of being alone. Brian: It's how we all came in. It's how we're all going out. Michael: Yeah, but until then, I'd prefer at least the illusion that someone else will be there, if only temporarily. Brian: Believe what you want, but the less you have to hold onto, the easier it is to let go. Michael: Maybe so, but still I'm glad I have you. Brian: Who said anything about me? Michael: (Comes up behind Brian, who's sitting down at this point. He puts his arms around Brian's neck.) Well, it's nice to know that no matter what happens, we'll always have each other. We always have. Right? [He kisses Brian's neck.] [Cut to Ted and Blake at a street.] Ted: You need a lift? Blake: Uh, no, it's okay. I rather walk. Ted: Getting cold. They says it's snows. Blake: Thanks anyway. Ted: Please. Blake: OK, Ted I don't can explain the other night... Ted: But then let me talk. OK? After you told me you didn't want to see me anymore - Blake: I said it wasn't a good idea for us to see each other. Ted: Right. I was so upset. Ya know what I did? Blake: No. [Ted shows him the vial.] Ted: It's the finest, good price to. Blake: sh1t. Ted: But after walking it around, I did a little accounting and I figured doing this would put me back in the minus column, this time maybe permanently. So I decided to pass. Blake: Wise decision. Ted: When we first met, I fell in love because you needed me to take care of you. This time, I fell in love because I needed you to take care of me. And you have. In fact, I wouldn't even be standing here right now if it wasn't for you. I am so sorry if I was too selfish and too horny to see it. Blake: Thank you, Ted. Ted: So where does that leave us? Besides being stuck with lousy timing once again. Blake: Yeah, we seem to have that, don't we? Maybe one day the timing will be right. Ted: You think? Blake: We can hope. [puts his hand out for the vial] In case you're tempted. [He opens the vial and pour it. And as if by magic, it begins to snow. Of course it is Christmas, isn't it?] Ted: Whaddaya know! It's snowing! [At Kinnetik, Cynthia storms into Brian's office, spitting mad because he's taking off.] Cynthia: I can't believe you taking off! Brian: I'm eighteen. Barcelona and Madrid. I hope I can practice my spanish. Como esta usted? Cynthia: I'm fine, thank you! But you must be demented! Brian: It's one of those spontaneous things. Cynthia: And how are we supposed to spontaneously cover for you while you're tanning your ass? You have meetings with Remson, Brown, Eyeconics. Brian: They can wait. They all can wait till I come back. Cynthia: And when you coming back? Brian: I'll let you know. Cynthia: I have worked for you for five years and I've never known you to just take off. So why now? You've just opened up your own firm and you just suddenly decide - Brian: Well, that's the point of being your own boss, isn't it? Make your own hours, come and go as you please, not answer to anyone - [Justin walks in. Talk about timing.] Justin: Almost anyone. Brian: The ball and chain. Cynthia, would you excuse us? Justin: Where are you going? Brian: Ibiza. I'm leaving tonight. Justin: Without me? Brian: You're going back to school, remember? It would be highly irresponsible to just pull you out. Justin: fck school. fck the bet. And fck you. We were supposed to go together. [Brian explodes.] Brian: WE'RE NOT fcking MARRIED! And I don't need to get your f*cking permission if I want to go somewhere! [He storms out of the office, leaving a stunned Justin. A minute later, he walks back in, looking calmer. Meanwhile, Justin has put two and two together and realizes that something is wrong.] Justin: You're right. You're absolutely right. We have no obligation to tell each other anything. [Brian shakes his head] Justin: Look, if I did something or said something to piss you off, I didn't mean to. Brian: It's not you. [He pulls Justin in for a hug.] Justin: What is it? What? [Pause] Okay - you go do whatever you have to do for whatever reason you have to do it. I just want you to know I love you. And I'll be here when you get back. [Brian smiles, then nods mutely. Justin leaves. Once he's alone, Brian turns out the lights in his office. One, two, and on the third one he picks up the lamp and smashes it to the floor.] [And now for a little Christmas cheer. Or not. Chanda Leer is belting out carols at Deb's party. (She did go blonde, just like she said she would.)] Justin: I always knew that Chanda will be back here, we she belongs. Chanda: You can't keep a good Drag queen down. A true gentleman prefer blond. Justin: I don't know about gentlemen, but dirty old men should do. Chanda: Even better. [Mel stands at the table with Michael.] Mel: I keep thinking I can't hardly wait for Christmas sales. And I can't remember it isn't even Christmas. Michael: I was Uncle Vic's idea. [Debbie offers Rodney cookies.] Debbie: Try these cookies. Vic's used this. When we were kids he used to bite this site on. Rodney: I wish he could here and share this with us. Debbie: Who say he isn't? So, let him see your smile. Bite. [Ted goes in the kitchen to Emmett.] Emmett: Want some? Ted: No, actually I hate punch. Emmett: Yeah, me to. But somehow I feel obligated. Ted: Well I think about celebrating Christmas off season... Emmett: The trees are cheeper. Ted: We get reminded again to love your fellows. Marry Christmas. Emmett: You to, Teddy. Debbie: Get I get up everybodies attention, please?! Everbody c'mon here! This year Christmas come a little early or a little late, how you look at. But either way it's here. And that's what Victor wanted. All his friends celebrating his favorite holiday and him. So now, time to add the finishing touch to the festivities. Everybody will knows who puts the angel on the tree? But now this year, little brother, I'll do it in your honor. Michael: Be careful, mom. Debbie: If I can climb up a roof then I can climb up that little chair. [She gets up on the chair, stretches to put the angel on top - and it falls and breaks.] Debbie: No, no! It had to be perfect! Michael: Ma. Debbie: No, it had to be perfect. IT HAD TO BE PERFECT! [No-one says a word.] [Brian Kinney, no longer perfect, is on the operating table.] Doc: OK, Mr. Kinney. Relax and count backwards from ten. Brian: Ten... Nine... Eight... [Cut to black screen.]	Plan: A: Brian; Q: Who is diagnosed with testicular cancer? A: Ted; Q: Who falls back into old habits? A: his death; Q: Debbie tries to make up for the awful things she said to Vic before what? Summary: Brian is diagnosed with testicular cancer. Ted falls back into old habits. Debbie tries to make up for the awful things she said to Vic before his death.
Act One. THE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY Scene A: KACL Radio Station. Frasier is finishing off his show, while a lively party goes on in the corridor. Frasier: [on air] Well, I'd like to take this opportunity to wish you The very, very best of holidays. Like many of you, I'll be spending the time in the loving embrace of my family - which should give us all plenty to talk about in the new year. Meanwhile, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780, Talk Radio. He goes off the air. Roz enters. Roz: Come on, Frasier. There's a gin-and-tonic out there with my name on it. Bulldog enters. Bulldog: You can tell Father Mike's had a few. He's trying to get everyone to re-enact the Nativity scene. Roz: [to Bulldog, as she exits] Well, we know who we could get to be the ass. Bulldog: [gives a dog growl, then to Frasier] I'm wearing her down. Frasier produces a Christmas gift from its hiding place. Bulldog: Who's that for? Frasier: It's for Roz. Bulldog: [reading the box] "Amazing trick microphone, squirts water." Nice. Frasier: It's a gag. We agreed not to exchange gifts. Bulldog: Listen doc. I'm scheduled to do the noon-to-four on Christmas. Frasier: No. Bulldog: But doc, my whole family's getting together in Chicago for the first time in five years. Frasier: I am touched, and I don't care. Bulldog: But my-my-my sister and her new baby... Frasier: Listen Bulldog, my son Frederick is flying in tomorrow afternoon to spend the holidays with me. Now, I've never looked so forward to a Christmas since I was... well, your size. Chopper Dave comes in, yelling as usual. Dave: DID YOU TELL HIM YET, BULLDOG? Bulldog: Okay, you don't have to yell. You're not in the chopper giving us a traffic report. Dave: I WAS YELLING? Bulldog: [gives up] Hey, doc. You know, ah, Bonnie Weems, right? Frasier: Well, ah, I don't actually know her, but she does the auto show, right? Dave: RIGHT. Bonnie tends to drink a little more than she should at these parties, so the newest on-air personality always drives her home! Bulldog: That's you, rookie. Frasier: Well, that sounds like a good tradition, I'd be delighted to drive her home. Bulldog: And she'll be delighted to hear that. Bulldog and Dave exit, giggling. Frasier follows them into the corridor and helps himself to a glass of punch. Elizabeth, an elderly employee, comes up to him. Elizabeth: Merry Christmas, Dr. Crane. Frasier: Oh, Merry Christmas, Elizabeth. Elizabeth: I baked you some sugar cookies. [hands over box] Frasier: Oh, how sweet of you. Sweets from the sweet. Elizabeth: Would you by any chance know who's driving Bonnie Weems home tonight? Frasier: Yes, I am. And maybe you can tell me why everyone... Elizabeth: [to crowd] Hey, everybody! It's the doc! The entire party starts laughing. Confused, Frasier goes back into the booth. Roz is there. Frasier: Roz, would you mind telling me why everyone breaks into hysterics whenever I say I'm driving Bonnie Weems home... [Roz bursts out laughing] Oh, what is that?! Roz: Well, Bonnie Weems is kind of an office legend. She gets a couple of drinks under her belt, and she gets a little amorous. And she will not take "No" for an answer. Frasier: Is that all? Oh, I'm a big boy, I can take care of myself. Roz: Okay. Frasier: [picking up present] Now, listen Roz, Roz, now I know we promised not to, but I couldn't help it. I was out shopping, and... Roz: [really excited] Oh, no! Don't worry, Frasier, I couldn't help myself either. Frasier: Oh no, really? Roz: Yes. [hands over gift] Merry Christmas! Frasier: Oh Roz, you shouldn't have. This is just... He opens the present. It's an expensive attaché case. Frasier: [worried] Oh, Roz. Roz, you really shouldn't have. Roz: Now it's my turn. [starts opening her gift] Frasier: Oh, no-no-no. Maybe, you know, maybe you should just think about, ah... keeping it under the tree. Roz: Oh, me wait to open a Christmas present? Frasier: Yeah. Roz: [opens box, but manages to fake enthusiasm for the gag gift] Oh my god! It's great! It's great because I'm in radio! Frasier: Ah, that's what I was going for, yes. Roz: Well, thanks a million, Frasier. [kisses him] Have a happy, happy holiday and I'll see you next week. Frasier: Okay. Merry Christmas. Roz: Merry Christmas. She leaves. Bonnie Weems, a very attractive blond, appears in the doorway with a drink in her hand. Bonnie: Dr. Crane? Frasier: Yes? Bonnie: I'm Bonnie Weems. Frasier: Well, hello. It's a, uh, a pleasure to meet you. I'll be driving you home tonight. Bonnie: I'm sorry to put you out. Frasier: Oh, it's no problem at all. Tell you what, you just go, enjoy the party, you let me know when you're ready to go. Bonnie: [downs her shot in one] I'm ready now, baby. She lifts Frasier by the waist, puts him over her shoulder and carries him out. Scene B: Frasier's Apartment. Niles is there, drinking eggnog. He puts his glass down to clean a mark on his shoe. Eddie immediately takes a few laps from it, sitting back down before Niles picks it up and takes a sip. Frasier enters with a pile of presents. Niles starts, looking like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Niles: [nervously] Hello, Frasier. Frasier: Oh, hello Niles. Merry Christmas. To what do I owe this occasion? Niles: Oh, nothing. Just stopped by to get an opinion on a gift I was considering for Maris. Daphne enters, wearing a tight, black cocktail dress. Daphne: Well, it pinches a bit under the arms, but you be the judge. [does a little twirl] Oh, hello, Dr. Crane. Frasier: [glaring at Niles] Daphne. Daphne: [to Niles] Shall I put the little red one back on so you can Make your choice? Frasier: I think Niles has all the information he needs, thank you. Daphne: Fair enough. She exits. Niles withers under Frasier's look of disapproval. Niles: You know, Maris and Daphne are roughly the same size! Frasier: Give or take a foot. Martin enters Martin: Hey, Frasier. Where've you been? Frasier: Well, after the Christmas party I poured a colleague into a cab, said a quick prayer for the driver, dislodged the wedgie of a lifetime, then went on to do a little bit of last minute shopping. Niles, some sherry? Niles: Ah, thank you. Frasier: You know, Santa is going to be very, very good to Frederick This year. Martin: Oh, by the way, Bulldog called a couple of times. He wanted to know if you'd take his slot on Christmas day. Frasier: I already told him no. How long will that man nag me? [Martin heads towards the door with a cheap, plastic wreath] Dad, what are you doing with that? Martin: I'm gonna hang it on the front door, like I always do. Frasier: But it's plastic. Martin: [hanging it] Well, of course it's plastic. Do you think a real one would've lasted since 1967? As Frasier hands Niles a sherry, Daphne enters carrying the two cocktail dresses. Daphne: Here you go. Ooh, I'm glad to be out of that black one - I had to take me undies off just to get the zipper up. Niles drops his glass, shattering it on the table and spilling sherry all over it. Daphne: Oh, dear! Let me get that. As she starts to clean up, Niles sinks onto the couch, still bringing himself together. The phone rings. Martin answers. Martin: Hello. Oh, hi. [to Frasier] Frasier, it's for you. It's the nag. Frasier: Oh, lord. [on phone] Now, listen Bulldog, I already told you... Oh. Hello, Lilith. Well, you know, maybe, ah, I should take this in the bedroom. [exits] Martin: Niles? Everything's all set for tomorrow, right? Niles: Yes, yes. Maris and I are driving up to the cabin tonight. We'll expect you, Frasier and Frederick tomorrow around noon. Daphne: Oh, I wish I was coming with you. Niles: So do I. Martin: [passing the phone, hearing Frasier and Lilith arguing] Oh, Shut the hell up, will you? [puts phone back on hook] Niles: Daphne. Daphne, you should come. We have the most wonderful traditional Christmas, it's an actual log cabin. With actual deer grazing in the snow on our front yard. Of course, Maris fires off her shotgun from time to time to scare them away from our garbage, but still, it's enchanting. Martin: Yeah. You sure you can't come, Daph? Daphne: No, I promised my Uncle Jackie I'd fly down to San Francisco to be with him. Martin: Well, I guess you should be with your family at this time of year, it's more traditional. Daphne: Except that Jackie's a transvestite. Getting a bit long in the tooth for it too, if you ask me. Last Thanksgiving he ate too much turkey and I had to cut him out of his pantyhose. Frasier returns. Frasier: Well, Merry Christmas, everybody! Lilith isn't sending Frederick! Martin: What? Why not? Frasier: Well, apparently he has this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for an incredible Christmas. A friend of hers has rented a home in Austria. Martin: What's the matter with the good old U.S.A.? Frasier: Well, apparently it's the same house that they filmed "The Sound Of Music" in, and that happens to be Freddie's favorite movie. Well, Julie Andrews is singing with the Salzburg Choral, they're having dinner with her afterwards, and some nonsense about a horse-driven sleigh ride through the snow, and a toboggan, and a balloon trip through the Alps, and apparently on their way back they're gonna spend an entire day at Euro-Disneyland! Niles: ...Well, up at the cabin, there's an old stump that the local children seem to enjoy kicking. Martin: You know you have to let him go, don't you? Frasier: Well, of course I have to let him go. Thank you for pointing out that you know what's right. Martin: Hey! I was just making sure that you did, that's all. Frasier: Oh, how would I ever live without you? Daphne: Now now, boys, that's enough. Dr. Crane, you're being a good father, letting Frederick go. Niles: That's right. It doesn't have to ruin your Christmas. Martin: Yeah, come on. Let's finish decorating the Christmas tree. I brought up the good lights from the storage room. Frasier: Oh, dad, you know what, I don't want to use those lights this year. I picked up these just yesterday. [brings out a box of lights] Martin: Chili peppers? Frasier: Well, yes, they're very fashionable. Martin: Chili peppers aren't Christmas. Frasier: Well, for that matter, neither are scotch pines or snow ornaments. For God's sakes, if you want to be technical, Bethlehem was in the desert. Martin: Fine. Why don't we decorate a palm tree? Frasier: I don't need your sarcasm. Martin: But I always use those lights. Frasier: Dad, dad. This is my house, these are my decorations, just once, could I have just one thing I wanted this Christmas? Martin: Hey, look. Wait a minute. I know you're upset about Freddie, but don't take it out on me. Frasier: Oh fine. Now you're the psychiatrist? Martin: Oh, I give up. Go ahead, decorate the thing. Use your chili peppers! Frasier: All right, I won't anymore! Martin: Use 'em! Why don't... maybe we could hang a few radishes, put a nice broccoli on top! Niles: I hope you two aren't going to be behaving this way up at the cabin? Frasier: Oh, we won't! Because I'm not going to the cabin! Martin: What do you mean, you're not going to the cabin? Where the hell are you going? Frasier: I'm staying right here. Martin: Well, you can't stay alone on Christmas. [by this time, Eddie Has his head under a cushion] Frasier: I've decided to fill in for Bulldog! At least somebody will have a Merry Christmas! Martin: [mad] Well, Merry Christmas! Frasier: MERRY CHRISTMAS! Martin: MERRY CHRISTMAS!! Frasier: MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! Eddie pops his head out, decides it's still not safe, and sticks it back under the cushion. End of Act One Act Two. Scene A: Radio Station. Frasier walks down the hallway, unshaved and wearing an old sweatshirt and jeans. He is following Roz, who is much cleaner, but wearing a very large scowl. Frasier: Oh, Roz... I didn't realize when I volunteered to work on Christmas that I would ruin your plans for the day, I... please don't be mad. [they enter the booth] Roz: Mad? What for? My mother just flew all the way in from Wisconsin to be here with me today. But instead I'm back in this stinking hellhole on Christmas Day, when only the loneliest and most depressed people on the planet would EVER call in. But, look how nice you made yourself look for me! Frasier: Roz, try to see this thing from my position. I, I couldn't see my son, I had a terrible fight with my father, I was facing a horrible Christmas, and then I thought, you know, maybe if by trying to help other people through their troubles it might get me through mine, and I think if we really try hard, we can maybe have the best Christmas we've ever had. What do you say? Roz: Okay. I'm not mad. Get ready. Frasier: Oh, I need a hug, just to prove that we're still friends. Roz: Frasier, I am not hugging you. Frasier: Come on. Roz: No, you're grungy. Frasier: Come to papa. Roz: All right! [hugs] We're friends. Now get ready, we're on. Frasier sits by the mike and gets ready. Roz cues him in. Frasier: [on air] Merry Christmas, Seattle! Yes, this is Dr. Frasier Crane coming to you on Christmas Day. Christmas, that very magical time of the year, when each moment is as unique as a snowflake, never to be recreated. Roz bangs on the window. Roz: I'm sorry Frasier, the news went over you. You're gonna have to do that again. Frasier: Merry Christmas, Seattle...! DISSOLVE TO: Later Time lapse. Frasier and Roz are still on the air, both looking VERY depressed. Frasier: Well, as we head into our second hour, I'd like to lighten things up a bit. Although, Ned, we were certainly glad to hear from you, and how you got mugged on your way home from the soup kitchen. Roz, who's next? Roz: We have Don on line five, he wants to tell us about the time he was filled with the Christmas spirit. Frasier: It's about time! Hello, Don. Don: [v.o.] Hello, Dr. Crane. Something happened the other day that sums up why we call this the season of giving. Frasier: Well then, swaddle me in Christmas cheer. Don: Okay. Well, you see, I was driving home from the gym, and I suddenly realized I had left my favorite old pair of sneakers on the roof of the car. So, I look back and there's this homeless guy, and he'd already picked them up, and he's putting 'em on. So I just thought, what the hell, and kept on driving. Frasier: So your experience of the Christmas spirit would be that you didn't slam the car into reverse, speed back there, and rip a pair of smelly old sneakers out of a homeless man's hand? Well Roz, this is special, I think we've got Santa Claus himself on the line! DISSOLVE TO: Later Time lapse. Frasier is listening to Barry, a caller who can't stop crying long enough to say what his problem is. Barry: [v.o.] I'm sorry. That was the last time. I'm okay now, I'm okay. [bursts into tears again] No, I'm not! Frasier: Barry, I've got to put you on hold for a bit, while you pull yourself together, but please, please stay on the line, I'd really like to help you. Barry: It's alright, I think I've got a hold of myself... [starts crying again] DISSOLVE TO: Later [SCENE_BREAK] Time lapse. Gladys: [v.o.] So you see, Dr. Crane, I've fallen in the shower so many times, they can't fit any more pins in my hip. Frasier: Gladys, Gladys? Ah, listen, can I put you on hold for a second? There's somebody else I have to check on. [switches lines] How's it going there, Barry? Sounds of crying. Frasier: My sentiments exactly. DISSOLVE TO: Later Time lapse. By this time, Roz has her head on the desk, and Frasier is tilted back in his chair, the mike balanced on his chest. Tom: [v.o.] It still traumatizes me, Dr. Crane. I wake up nights, and I remember that Christmas morning. I walked into my mother's bedroom, tears running down my face, and I said, "Mommy... the puppy Santa gave me won't wake up." Frasier: Okay, Tom. You win the prize for the saddest Christmas story we've heard today. Happy holidays. He goes to a commercial break, sees Roz with her head down and rushes into her booth. Frasier: Roz? Roz! Oh, have you been crying, Roz? Roz: [weeping] Just for the last hour. Frasier: Ooh... oh, listen, why don't you just go home, honey? I can take over for the next two hours. Roz: But you can't do this on your own. Frasier: Oh, sure I can! Why don't you go home, be with your mom? Roz: Wouldn't it be even be sadder? With you here all by yourself? Frasier: I don't think that's possible. Roz: Well, if you really mean it, I'll go. Frasier: I mean it. Roz: But Frasier, promise me one thing? Don't sit here and get more depressed. You'll see your little boy again soon. Frasier: I know I will. Roz: Okay. Hug-hug-hug? [they hug] Merry... [bursts into tears again] Christmas! She leaves. Frasier resumes his seat as the commercial ends. Frasier: [on-air] Hi, we're back. Well, you know what? I, I realize it's been a pretty tough day out there for most of you, and uh, I'd like to hear now from someone who's having a GOOD Christmas. Um, you know, someone who's learned a way to beat the holiday blues. Well, let's take our first call here. [presses button] Hello, you're on the air. Jeff: [v.o.] This is Jeff. Frasier: Hello, Jeff! Well, Merry Christmas! Jeff: Well, Merry Christmas to you. I used to get depressed on Christmas. And then I found a surefire way to beat it: I'd pop my favorite movie, "The Sound Of Music" in the VCR. Watching Julie Andrews lead those adorable little tykes through the streets of Salzburg... Nobody could be depressed! I mean, nobody! Long beat. Frasier: Jeff, are you a betting man? [SCENE_BREAK] Time lapse. Frasier is wrapping up. Frasier: Well, we're just about out of time. My, my, this day has flown by. I'd like to wish all of you revelers out there a Merry Christmas, and for the rest of you, why don't you go out and treat yourself to something special? Personally, I'm going to go get myself a meal at one of Seattle's fine eateries. I don't know where, but I promise you one thing: it'll have a liquor license. Just kidding. Don't drink and drive. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL 780, Talk Radio. He finally goes off the air. MIRACLE ON THIRD OR FOURTH STREET Scene B: A Diner. Through the window we see Frasier park his car. He gets out and enters, taking a seat at the counter. Waitress: [mechanically] Merry Christmas. Welcome to Lou's. Frasier: Thank you. I'm sure glad you're open, all the other places in town are either closed or are all booked up. Waitress: That's what makes us so special. I can bring you a menu, but almost everybody's having the Christmas platter. That's a turkey log with mashed potatoes, then yule log for dessert. Frasier: How much more appetizing food always becomes when you add the word "log." [she stares at him] I'll just have the Christmas platter. Waitress: [she yells] PLATTER! Her yelling wakes up the customer (Tim) sitting next to Frasier. Tim: How you doin'? Frasier: Okay. Tim: Are you havin' a merry Christmas? Frasier: Well, now that you ask, no I'm not. Can't be with my son, had a terrible argument over something stupid with my father. That's why I'm alone. How about you? Tim: Pretty good, actually. Just yesterday, I was crossing the street, and this beautiful pair of sneakers flew off the back of the car, and landed on my feet! [holds them up] Frasier: Merry Christmas. Waitress: [bringing him his platter] Here you go. Frasier: Well, the chef didn't exactly dally over the Remoulade, did he? [SCENE_BREAK] Time lapse. Frasier has almost finished his meal. Tim is asleep on his shoulder. A man (Bill) enters. Bill: Hey, Tim. Merry Christmas. Tim: Hey Bill, same to you. Glad you could make it. Bill: Well, I wouldn't miss this. Hey, how's that turkey platter? Good as last year's? Frasier: I'm not sure this isn't last year's. Listen, I'm done here, why don't you go ahead and take this seat? Bill: Jeez, thanks pal. Frasier: You bet. He gets up, checks all his pockets and realizes. Frasier: Ah, excuse me miss, something rather embarrassing has just happened. I seem to have lost my wallet. Waitress: You mean you can't pay! Frasier: Oh no, I can pay, I can pay, I must have just left it at the office. Waitress: Uh-huh. Frasier: Well, I can just go back there and get it. Waitress: Mmm. Tim: Hey, Lou. It's all right. This one's on me. Frasier: Oh, no-no-no. You don't understand. You see, I... Tim: It's okay, buddy, we've all been there. Frasier: Yes, but you see, I really did misplace my wallet. Tim: I know you did, and Bill here misplaced his Wall Street portfolio. Here Bill, help me out. [starts a whip round] Frasier: Oh no, you don't... Tim: Hey, everybody! People. Come on, let's help the poor man get a nice Christmas dinner. Even pennies. It doesn't matter. Frasier: Please, please, you don't understand. I make a very decent living. I really do. This is not necessary. Tim pays Lou (the Waitress) the money that Frasier owes.] Frasier: Well, I must say I've never been so touched in my life. To think that you people would give up your money, which you can ill afford, to help out a fellow human being. I'm just so embarrassed. Tim: Don't be embarrassed. Look at it this way: the rest of the year belongs to the rich people, with their fancy houses, [points to Frasier's BMW] expensive foreign cars, but Christmas? Christmas belongs to guys like us. Frasier: Right. Well, I never will forget this Christmas. Thank you. Thank you all. Frasier leaves the diner and goes to his car, but turns to see everyone in the diner waving at him. He waves back, then waits until they turn back and ducks down beneath the sill, to crawl into his car. Waitress: [picking up something from the floor] Hey. Somebody lose a set of car keys? Frasier crawls out of his car and enters the diner again. He begins searching the floor for his keys. Tim: Hey. We're not buying you dessert. Frasier: No. No, you see, I forgot... I forgot, ah... He pauses for a moment, torn between preserving the moment and getting his car back. He picks the former. Frasier: To wish you a Merry Christmas! All: Merry Christmas. Tim: Hey, bud. Since you're here, [gives Frasier a quarter] go call your old man. Frasier: Thank you. I think I will. He leaves, deciding to walk home. End of Act Two. [SCENE_BREAK] Frasier's Christmas tree, with all the presents underneath it. Eddie tears the wrapping off one of them.	Plan: A: Frasier; Q: Who agrees to work the Christmas Day shift at the radio station? A: Christmas; Q: What holiday did Frasier have plans for with Frederick, Martin and Niles? A: Martin; Q: Who does Frasier argue with after Lilith decides to take Frederick to Austria? Summary: Frasier's plans for Christmas with Frederick, Martin and Niles are derailed after Lilith decides to take Frederick to Austria. Already angry, Frasier then has a bitter argument with Martin, and agrees to do the Christmas Day shift at the radio station, which proves depressing.
RECAP OF "The Rebel Flesh" INT. MONASTARY, CHAPEL, NIGHT The FLESH DOCTOR screams and twists as he absorbs all the DOCTOR'S memories and channels past incarnations. GANGER DOCTOR: What's happening? I wonder if we'll get back. Yes, one day... Aaagh! I've reversed the polarity of the neutron flow. DOCTOR: The Flesh is struggling to cope with our past regenerations. Hold on! GANGER DOCTOR: (4th Doctor's voice) Would you like a jelly-baby? (regular voice) Why? Why!? DOCTOR: Why? Why what? GANGER DOCTOR: (10th Doctor's voice) Hello. I'm the Doctor. (regular voice) No, let it go, we've moved on! DOCTOR: Hold on, hold on, you can stabilise! AMY starts to walk to the DOCTOR but JIMMY pulls her back. GANGER DOCTOR: I've reversed the jelly-baby of the neutron flow. Would you like a... (grips the DOCTOR'S jacket) Doctor...Doctor... I'm... I'm the... I can't. DOCTOR: No, listen, hold on. Hold on! GANGER DOCTOR: No-o-o-o! (shoves the DOCTOR away) Aaaagh! (is in his half-formed state) [SCENE_BREAK] Matt Smith Karen Gillan Arthur Darvil "The Almost People" by Matthew Graham Producer Marcus Wilson Director Julian Simpson [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MONASTARY, CHAPEL, NIGHT The GANGER DOCTOR grips his head. The team members barricade the door. BUZZER: I think I liked it best when they were being noisy. INT. MONASTARY, HALL, NIGHT The GANGERS walk away down the hall. INT. MONASTARY, CHAPEL, NIGHT AMY goes to the DOCTOR. AMY: Doctor, we need you. Get over here. GANGER DOCTOR: Hello! AMY: Doctor! DOCTOR: Cybermats. GANGER DOCTOR: Do we have time for this? DOCTOR: We make time. I'd like more proof that you're me. Cybermats? GANGER DOCTOR: Created by the Cybermen.They kill by feeding off brainwaves. AMY runs back to the door. AMY: Are you sure there aren't any big guns with bits on? BUZZER: Yeah, big guns would be good right now. JIMMY: (leaning against the door) Why would we have guns? We're a factory. We mine. There is a hissing and smoke comes through the door. AMY: Acid. The Gangers on the other side of the door begin to pound on it. The two Doctors stand side-by-side. GANGER DOCTOR: Rory and Amy may not trust both of us. DOCTOR: Are you thinking what I'm thinking? GANGER DOCTOR: Inevitably. DOCTOR: I'm glad we're on the same... GANGER DOCTOR: Wavelength. You see, great minds. DOCTOR: Exactly. So, what's the plan? GANGER DOCTOR: Save them all, humans and gangers. DOCTOR: Sounds wonderful. GANGER DOCTOR: Is that what you were thinking? DOCTOR: It's just so inspiring to hear me say it. GANGER DOCTOR: I know! AMY: Doctor, come on! GANGER DOCTOR: So, what now, Doctor? DOCTOR: Well, time to get cracking, Doctor. They both walk towards the others. DOCTORS: Hello! Sorry... GANGER DOCTOR: But we had to establish a few... DOCTOR: Ground rules. Amy notices that DOCTOR 1 is wearing black shoes while DOCTOR 2 is wearing brown shoes. GANGER DOCTOR: Formulate a... DOCTOR: Protocol. GANGER DOCTOR: Protocol. Very posh. DOCTOR: A protocol between us. Otherwise... GANGER DOCTOR: It gets horribly embarrassing. DOCTOR: And potentially confusing. AMY: I'm glad you've solved the problem of confusing. GANGER DOCTOR: That's sarcasm. DOCTOR: She's very good at sarcasm. The DOCTORS turn to AMY and speak in unison. DOCTORS: Breathe! AMY: What? GANGER DOCTOR: We have to get you off this island. DOCTOR: And the gangers too. CLEAVES: Sorry, would you like a memo from the last meeting? They're trying to kill us! DOCTOR: They're scared. AMY: Doctor, we're trapped in here. DOCTOR: (joins others) I don't think so. The Flesh Bowl is fed by cabling from above. GANGER DOCTOR: But where are the earthing conduits? DOCTOR: All this piping must go down into a tunnel or a shaft or something, yes? With us? (removes paneling and finds a grate) Yowza! An escape route. AMY mouths "Yowza" questioningly. DOCTOR: You know, I'm starting to get a sense of just how impressive it is to hang out with me. GANGER DOCTOR: Do we tend to say "Yowza"? DOCTOR: That's enough, let it go, OK? We're under stress. The Gangers break into the room and find it empty. GANGER CLEAVES hears the sonic and sees the DOCTOR and her original on the other side of the grate. She hisses as they get away. INT. MONASTARY, TUNNEL, NIGHT GANGER JENNIFER is drawing circles/zeros on the wall with her finger. GANGER JENNIFER: Stop. Stop. Stop, stop! She strides purposefully down the corridor. After she passes, Rory peers out from a side tunnel and cautiously follows her. INT. MONASTARY, TUNNEL, NIGHT In a different section of tunnel, one of the pipes has sprung a leak, shooting acid all over the ground. INT. MONASTARY, TUNNEL, NIGHT In another section of tunnel, AMY and the DOCTOR are with the Originals. BUZZER: The army will send a recon team. CLEAVES: We need to contact the mainland. AMY: What about Rory and Jen? They are both out there. DOCTOR: Takes a long time to find someone in a maze. I bet you lot have got a computer map. CLEAVES: If we can get power running, we can scan for them. They all start coughing. AMY: Doctor, you said earlier to breathe. DOCTOR: Very important, Pond. Breathe. AMY: Yeah, I'm struggling to. DOCTOR: Acid interacting with the stone. GANGER DOCTOR: Creating an asphyxiant miasma. CLEAVES: A what? GANGER DOCTOR: Chokey gas. Extra heavy. If we can get above it... CLEAVES: The evac tower. This way! (leads the way) INT. MONASTARY, ACID ROOM, NIGHT The Gangers are regrouping. GANGER CLEAVES is rubbing her temples. GANGER CLEAVES: Damned headaches. I'm so tired. GANGER JIMMY: They could be anywhere. How are we going to find them? GANGER CLEAVES: Think about it. With all that gas, my guess would be the evac tower. Get above it. Try to get power up. GANGER JIMMY: So? Let's stop them. GANGER CLEAVES: It's a narrow doorway. I could defend it easy enough. So can she. (grimaces and rubs her forehead) INT. EVAC TOWER, POWER ROOM, NIGHT The DOCTOR and AMY are the first to enter the room coughing. The others follow and head straight for the control panels. AMY: (coughs) Ohh! I think I coughed so hard, I pulled a muscle or something. DOCTOR: It's OK, it's easing off. The DOCTOR checks the front while the GANGER DOCTORS ducks behind the panels as a bell chimes the hour. JIMMY: It's midnight. It's Adam's birthday. My son's five. Happy birthday, bud. INT. MONASTARY, ACID ROOM, NIGHT GANGER JIMMY: Happy birthday, Adam. He'll be so excited. Out of bed at the crack of dawn. It's funny, he's got this wee dance he does when he gets overexcited. GANGER JENNIFER arrives in half-form. GANGER JENNIFER: Listen to me. I tried to block the memories, but now I know I must remember. It's the eyes. The eyes are the last to go. GANGER JIMMY: What are you talking about? GANGER JENNIFER: When they destroy us, the eyes are the last things to melt. And there's one question in those eyes - why? Why should we suffer for the sake of human beings? GANGER DICKEN: I heard in India, there's over ten million gangers. GANGER JENNIFER: We can reach out, inspire them to rise up. GANGER CLEAVES: Revolution? Look, I just...I just want to be left to live in peace, Jen. GANGER JENNIFER: They will melt you. Have you become so human that you've forgotten the truth? Don't you remember all the times you were decommissioned, or should I say executed? GANGER CLEAVES: No. We don't remember. GANGER JENNIFER: Well, I do. It's us or them. GANGER JIMMY: She's right. GANGER DICKEN stands and walks over to GANGER JENNIFER, gripping her hand. GANGER JIMMY and GANGER CLEAVES walk over to them and they join hands. GANGER JENNIFER: I have a plan. And it'll destroy them all. INT. EVAC TOWER, POWER ROOM, NIGHT CLEAVES is standing behind the console with one of the DOCTORS. CLEAVES: Can you really get the power back? DOCTOR 1: There's always some power floating around. DOCTOR 1 ducks down behind the console as DOCTOR 2 stands up. DOCTOR 1: Sticking to the wires, like bits of lint. AMY: Can you stop finishing each other's... DOCTOR 1: Sentences? No probs. DOCTOR 1: Yes. They both duck down. AMY: Hang on. You said that the TARDIS was stuck in acid, so won't she be damaged? DOCTOR 1: Nah. She's a tough old thing. Tough, old, sexy. DOCTOR 1: No, tough, dependable, sexy. AMY: Come on. OK, how can...how can you both be real? DOCTOR 1: Well, because...we are. I'm the Doctor. DOCTOR 1: So am I. We contain the knowledge of over 900 years of experience. We both wear the same bowtie, which is cool. DOCTOR 1: Because bowties are... DOCTOR 1: And always will be. AMY: But you weren't linked up to the Flesh. DOCTOR 1: It must've been after I examined it. Thus, a new, genuine Doctor was created. DOCTOR 1: Ta-da! AMY: But one of you was here first. DOCTOR 1: After the Flesh scanned me, I had an accident with a puddle of acid. Now new shoes, a situation which did not confront me learned self here. DOCTOR 1: That satisfy you, Pond? AMY: Don't call me Pond, please. Both DOCTORS look at her. AMY: What? DOCTOR 1: Interesting. You definitely feel more affection for him than me. AMY: No, I... Look, you're fine and everything, but he is the Doctor. No offence. Being almost the Doctor is pretty damn impressive. DOCTOR 1: Being almost the Doctor's like being no Doctor at all. AMY: Don't overreact. DOCTOR 1: You might as well call me...Smith. AMY: Smith? DOCTOR 1: John Smith. DOCTOR 1: Communication a go-go! They all run to the console to get it keyed up. AMY: Find Rory! Show me the scanny, tracky screen. Come on, Rory, let's be having you. CLEAVES pulls up the screen. CLEAVES: There's no sign of him anywhere. AMY: Come on, baby, show yourself. INT. MONASTARY, COMMUNICATION ROOM, NIGHT The GANGERS enter the room. GANGER JIMMY: You're right, there's power. GANGER CLEAVES: Well, boys, I don't know much, but I know my own minds. She'll be straight on the comlink to the mainland. INT. EVAC TOWER, POWER ROOM, NIGHT CLEAVES speaks into the transmitter. CLEAVES: St John's calling. Emergency Alpha. INT. MONASTARY, COMMUNICATION ROOM, NIGHT GANGER CLEAVES: Let's see if we can intercept. CLEAVES: (over radio) 'St John's calling the mainland. Are you receiving me, Captain? Come in'. INT. EVAC TOWER, POWER ROOM, NIGHT CLEAVES: We'll never get a signal through this storm. St John's calling the mainland. Come in, this is urgent. MAN: (over radio) 'We're just about reading you, St John's. How are you doing? We've had all kinds of trouble here'. INT. MONASTARY, COMMUNICATION ROOM, NIGHT CLEAVES: (over radio) 'Request immediate evacuation. We're under attack. The storm's affected our gangers.' INT. EVAC TOWER, POWER ROOM, NIGHT CLEAVES: They're running amok. MAN: (over radio) 'Your gangers?' CLEAVES: Yes, our gangers are attacking us. We need you to take us off the island immediately and wipe them out. The DOCTORS exchange a look. INT. MONASTARY, COMMUNICATION ROOM, NIGHT MAN: (over radio) 'Copy that, St John's. Shuttle's dispatched. Hang on'. INT. EVAC TOWER, POWER ROOM, NIGHT CLEAVES: You'll need to airlift us off the roof of the evac tower. INT. MONASTARY, COMMUNICATION ROOM, NIGHT CLEAVES: (over radio) 'And Captain, any further transmission sent by me must come with the following code word. I'm typing it, in case they're listening in.' GANGER CLEAVES: Ooh. See how smart I am? That's why I'm paid the big bucks. MAN: (over radio) 'Got it. We'll swing in, get you out and decommission the Flesh'. GANGER CLEAVES: Jennifer's right. We're going to have to fight if we want to survive. INT. MONASTARY, TUNNEL, NIGHT GANGER JENNIFER arrives at a machine and puts her palm over the scanner. COMPUTER: 'Thermostatic override rejected. Can only be operated by recognised source'. GANGER JENNIFER: I am recognised! I'm Jennifer Lucas! She tries again but the screen reads "Non-Human Access Prohibited" INT. EVAC TOWER, POWER ROOM, NIGHT The Originals are preparing for the evacuation. BUZZER: We've got to get out of here. AMY: We're not leaving without them. BUZZER: I want 'em found too, but it's about casualties, innit? Can't be helped. AMY turns to one of the DOCTORS sitting beside her at the console. AMY: What are you doing? DOCTOR 1: Making a phone call. AMY: Who to? DOCTOR 1: No-one yet. It's on delay. AMY: Right, not getting it. Why exactly are you making a phone call? DOCTOR 2 watches this exchange. DOCTOR 1: Because, Amy, I am and always will be the optimist, the hoper of far-flung hopes and the dreamer of improbable dreams. (spins in his chair) The wheels are in motion. Done. DOCTOR 1 spins AMY'S chair and she laughs before settling next to him but facing DOCTOR 2. AMY: You know, really, there can be only one. DOCTOR 1: Hmm? AMY: Nothing. Carry on. Be amazing. AMY hears a strange breathing noise and slowly walks towards it, stopping and looking at the stone wall. A small window slides open and she sees EYE-PATCH WOMAN and gasps. She turns to look at DOCTOR 1, but when she turns back, the window is gone. DOCTOR 1: Amy? What happened? AMY: (goes back to her chair) It's her again. DOCTOR 2 looks at the same spot on the wall while the conversation goes on behind him. DOCTOR 1: It's who again? AMY: There's a woman I keep seeing, a woman with an eye-patch, and she has this habit of sliding walls open and staring at me. Doctor? DOCTOR 1: It's nothing. AMY: Doesn't seem like nothing. DOCTOR 1: It's a time memory. Like a mirage. (slaps her thigh) It's nothing to worry about. (spins back to work on the console) DOCTOR 1: It's in my head... DOCTOR 2 closes his eyes in pain before heading out of the room. JIMMY: Hey, hold on! CLEAVES: Don't let him go. AMY: Leave it to me. (goes after him) INT. EVAC TOWER, HALLWAY, NIGHT DOCTOR 2 is standing there, facing the wall. AMY slowly approaches him. AMY: I'm sorry. What I said about you being almost the Doctor, it's just really hard, because I've been through so much with him. I've even seen... I've even seen the moment of his... Can you die? If you really are the same, then you can die. You can be killed, and...I might have seen that happen. DOCTOR 1: Why? AMY: Why? Because you invited us to see it. Your death! DOCTOR 2 turns on AMY, grabs her shoulders and pushes her against the wall. DOCTOR 1: Why? AMY: You're hurting me. DOCTOR 1: It's all the eyes say! Why?! I can feel them as they work each day, knowing the time was coming for them to be thrown away again. "Not again, please!" And then they are destroyed and they feel death, and all they can say is, "Why?" DOCTOR 2 lets go and AMY runs away, back to the safety of DOCTOR 1 INT. EVAC TOWER, POWER ROOM, NIGHT DOCTOR 1: Why? AMY enters the room. AMY: Keep him away from me! DOCTOR 2 enters and walks up to DOCTOR 1. DOCTOR 1: Did you sense it? DOCTOR 1: Briefly. Not as strong as you. DOCTOR 1: Amy, I'm sorry. AMY: No, you keep away! We can't trust you. DOCTOR 1: It would appear I can connect to the Flesh. AMY: Well, you are Flesh. DOCTOR 1: I'm beginning to understand what it needs. AMY: What YOU want. You are it. DOCTOR 1: It's much more powerful than we thought. The Flesh can grow, correct? CLEAVES: Its cells can divide. DOCTOR 1: (approaches CLEAVES) Well, now it wants to do that at will. It wants revenge. It's in pain, angry. It wants revenge. AMY: I was right, you're not the Doctor. You can't ever be. You're just a copy. CLEAVES: (to DOCTOR 2) Doctor, it might be best if you stayed over there for now, hmm? DOCTOR 1: Hold on a minute. Hold your horses. I thought I'd explained this. I'm him, he's me. BUZZER walks closer to use force if necessary. CLEAVES: Doctor, we have no issue with you. But when it comes to your ganger... DOCTOR 1: Don't be so absurd. CLEAVES: Buzzer? BUZZER: Sure, boss. DOCTOR 2 makes a point of straightening his tie as BUZZER takes an empty oil drum and moves it to where DOCTOR 2 can sit. BUZZER: Take a seat, mate. DOCTOR 1: (sits) Nice barrel, very comfy. Why not? DOCTOR 1: Is this really what you want? AMY crosses her arms and looks coldly at DOCTOR 2. INT. MONASTARY, TUNNEL, NIGHT RORY is walking through a tunnel, light in one hand and a wooden handle as a weapon in the other. He hears JENNIFER shouting in the distance JENNIFER: Help me! No! Get away! RORY: Jen? Jen! INT. MONASTARY, SUPPLY ROOM, NIGHT RORY walks down the stairs and sees JENNIFER. JENNIFER: Rory? A second JENNIFER appears. JENNIFER 2: I'm sorry. She found me. JENNIFER 1: Rory, listen to me. JENNIFER 2: Don't listen to her! JENNIFER 1: I'm Jennifer Lucas. This woman is Flesh. RORY stands there, looking between the two of them. INT. EVAC TOWER, POWER ROOM, NIGHT MAN: (over radio) 'This is the shuttle. We're right above you, but we can't get low enough. Gamma static could fry our nav-controls. Sit tight. We'll get to you. Just...' DOCTOR 1 takes out the sonic screwdriver and scans CLEAVES. JIMMY: Hello? Can you hear me? AMY: I can't find Rory. I'm going out there. DOCTOR 1: We could use the sonic to track him. Humans and gangers give off slightly different signals. The sonic can tell the difference. AMY: Oh, so the sonic knows gangers are different, so the other Doctor is different. DOCTOR 1: He is the Doctor. AMY: Not to me. I can tell. DOCTOR 1: Sure you're not prejudiced? AMY: Nice try, but I know, OK? We've been through too much. You're my Doctor. End of. INT. MONASTARY, SUPPLY ROOM, NIGHT RORY: So one of you is human, and one of you I sat with and talked with. Why can't you just tell me the truth? The Doctor wants you to live and I'm with him all the way. JENNIFER 1: (limps forward) That's a lovely idea, Rory, but the Flesh want to kill us now. RORY: You're limping. (to JENNIFER 2) You're not. JENNIFER 2: So? So what? You think a ganger can't put on a limp? RORY: Show me your leg. JENNIFER 1 rolls up her trouser leg to show a red wound. JENNIFER 1: It got burnt while I was in the harness. JENNIFER 2: She's lying! She's telling you what you want to hear! RORY: Look, you can't fake a burn. JENNIFER 2 rushes JENNIFER 1. RORY: No! No, you don't... They fight each other as RORY watches. RORY: Stop it! Fighting each other is pointless. Come on. Please, please stop! Jen...both Jens, stop it! One of the JENNIFERS pushes the other away and she falls into a puddle of acid. RORY: No! JENNIFER: She...she attacked me. I didn't... They watch as the other JENNIFER dissolves. JENNIFER: I knew you'd find me. We're in this together, Rory, and we've got to trust each other. RORY: OK, come on. Let's go. With one last look at the dissolved Flesh, RORY grabs the light and follows JENNIFER out of the room. INT. EVAC TOWER, POWER ROOM, NIGHT BUZZER: Hey, there's a camera up. We've got a visual. AMY rushes to look at the screen. AMY: That's Rory and Jennifer. CLEAVES: They're heading for the thermostatic room. AMY: Let's go get them. DOCTOR 1 flips the sonic before tossing it to DOCTOR 2. AMY: Hang on. CLEAVES: We can't let him go. Are you crazy? DOCTOR 1: Am I crazy, Doctor? DOCTOR 1: Well, you did once plumb your brain into the core of an entire planet just to halt its orbit and win a bet. AMY: He can't go rescue them. I'm going. DOCTOR 1: Do you know, I want him to go. (stands and looks AMY in the face) And I'm rather adamant. DOCTOR 2 stands. BUZZER: Well, then, he'll need company, right, boss? It's fine. I'll handle it. DOCTOR 1: (snaps fingers) Thank you, Buzzer. It'll be all right. I'll find him. DOCTOR 2 leaves and BUZZER follows. DOCTOR 1: I can't explain it to you now, but I need you to trust him. Can you do that for me, Amy? AMY: And what if you're wrong? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. MONASTARY, TUNNEL, NIGHT JENNIFER is leading RORY through a tunnel to a locked door. They are coughing. JENNIFER: This is the thermostatic chamber. We can stir the oxygen supply from here. (keys in the code) RORY: What? JENNIFER: We're going to choke to death if we don't clean this air. Keep a look out in case of gangers. JENNIFER enters the room and RORY stays in the hall. JENNIFER: Rory! RORY runs into the room. INT. MONASTARY, THERMOSTATIC CHAMBER, NIGHT JENNIFER is standing by a large console. RORY: What's wrong? JENNIFER: It's this wheel. It's just too tough for a girl to turn. Are you feeling strong? RORY: I'll break out the big guns. (holds up his arms to show off his muscles) JENNIFER: This first. JENNIFER grabs RORY'S hand and places it on the scanner. COMPUTER: Human source recognised. RORY turns the wheel. COMPUTER: Thermostatic override granted. They leave the room. INT. EVAC TOWER, POWER ROOM, NIGHT CLEAVES: These temperature gauges are rising. Jennifer and Rory must have shut off the underground cooling vents. DICKEN: Why do that? They'll kill us. CLEAVES: There's a million gallons of boiling acid under our feet... DOCTOR 1: And now it's heating up the whole island. How long till it blows? There is an explosion that rocks the island. DICKEN: Gangers or no gangers, we need to get the hell out of here. CLEAVES: Shuttle! We need evac. Where are you? Can you hear me? Can you...? (winces in pain and puts a hand to her forehead) DOCTOR 1: (goes to CLEAVES) Cleaves? Cleaves, sit down. (helps her sit) CLEAVES: I'm fine. INT. MONASTARY, COMMUNICATION ROOM, NIGHT GANGER CLEAVES is sitting down. GANGER DICKEN brings her a drink. GANGER DICKEN: You don't look good. GANGER CLEAVES: Monsters never do. I'm fine. I remember medics doing tests. INT. EVAC TOWER, POWER ROOM, NIGHT CLEAVES: I'm waiting for results, so let it go. DOCTOR 1: It's a very deep parietal clot. CLEAVES: Inoperable? DOCTOR 1: On Earth, yes. CLEAVES: Well, seeing as Earth is all that's on... offer...hmm. I'm no healthy spring chicken, and you're no weatherman. Right? There is another quake. AMY: Something just cracked. I heard it. DOCTOR 1: Yeah, we can't stay here, let's go. JIMMY: Let's shift! CLEAVES: Cleaves to Shuttle. We need to move, and we can't be collected from the evac tower. MAN: (over radio) 'Give us the codeword'. CLEAVES: The codeword is... Another quake rocks the building and the console goes up in sparks. CLEAVES runs back to the console to give the codeword. DOCTOR 1: Cleaves? Cleaves, it's dead, it's dead. (grabs CLEAVES) WE need to get out of here. We need to get back downstairs and get those vents back on, come on. INT. MONASTARY, COMMUNICATION ROOM, NIGHT GANGER CLEAVES: This is our chance. I can reroute the shuttle to the courtyard. GANGER JIMMY: You can't guess the codeword. GANGER CLEAVES: Yes, I can, Jimmy, because I created the codeword. (into radio) Shuttle, do you read me? This is Foreman Cleaves. MAN: (over radio) 'Read you. You got cut off. Say again? What's the request?' GANGER CLEAVES: You need to reroute and pick us up from the courtyard. MAN: (over radio) 'Courtyard - as soon as we can. Give me the codeword'. GANGER CLEAVES: Shuttle, the codeword is "Bad Boy". I repeat, "Bad Boy". MAN: (over radio) 'Copy that. The courtyard. Still want us to take care of those gangers?' GANGER CLEAVES: Negative. They've all been incinerated. GANGER JIMMY: Bad Boy? Good call. GANGER CLEAVES: Yeah, well, it wasn't luck. We're the same person. INT. MONASTARY, TUNNEL, NIGHT JENNIFER is leading RORY. JENNIFER: This room's always sealed. Power surge must have thrown the bolts. RORY follows and stops with a look of horror. RORY: What is that? In a corner of the room is a pile of partial Flesh bodies. JENNIFER: Discarded Flesh. Faulty, probably. Just thrown away. Look at them. RORY walks closer and peers at one of the faces. JENNIFER: One of my old gangers. The eyes open and RORY falls back with a gasp. JENNIFER: Left to rot, fully conscious. Can you imagine what kind of hell they're in? RORY: But Cleaves, the company, how could they do this? How could they? JENNIFER: Who are the real monsters? RORY: We can't let this carry on. Jen, we have to make people see! JENNIFER: OK, Rory. I have an idea. You came for me. We have a bond. Right? We trust each other. RORY: Yeah. JENNIFER: So trust me on this. EXT. MONASTARY, NIGHT DOCTOR 2 is scanning with the sonic. BUZZER is following. DOCTOR 1: I'm getting something. BUZZER: Is it human? DOCTOR 1: Yeah, it's human, but it's fading. It's fading. This is bad. Fading is very... bad. They find JENNIFER lying on the ground. DOCTOR 1: Aagh! The signal's gone. (touches JENNIFER) She's...dead. She was hanging onto the edge of life and she just... just slipped away. Oh, Jennifer, I'm so sorry. She's been out here for hours. BUZZER: But if the real Jen's been lying out here... DOCTOR 1: Rory's in trouble. BUZZER hits DOCTOR 2 on the back of the head with a torch and he falls to the ground. BUZZER: Sorry, pal, it's boss's orders. Us and them, innit? INT. MONASTARY, TUNNEL, NIGHT CLEAVES enters a hallway closely followed by DOCTOR 1 and the others. In the wall are eyes watching their every move. DOCTOR 1: Ah. The eyes have it. AMY: Why are they here? DOCTOR 1: To accuse...us. CLEAVES: Ignore them. It's not far. INT. MONASTARY, TUNNEL, NIGHT BUZZER is making his way back to the others when another quake hits. BUZZER: I should have been a postman like me dad. BUZZER continues on but stops when he hears a feminine voice. He makes his way down the stairs. WOMAN: Shh. I'm here. I'm here. I'm with you. I know, it hurts. I'm sorry. Go to sleep. BUZZER sees GANGER JENNIFER speaking to the discarded bodies of Flesh. GANGER JENNIFER: Sleep. BUZZER: You killed her. You killed our Jen. GANGER JENNIFER: (stands) And I'm stronger, Buzz. I can grow! GANGER JENNIFER'S mouth opens wide, jaw distended, and she rushes towards BUZZER, who screams. INT. MONASTARY, THERMOSTATIC CHAMBER, NIGHT DOCTOR 1 and CLEAVES work to change the settings. DOCTOR 1: It's a chemical chain reaction now. I can't stop it. This place is going to blow sky high. CLEAVES: Exactly how long have we got? DOCTOR 1: An hour? Five seconds? Er, somewhere in between. There is an explosions, the klaxon sounds and the machinery begins to hiss. DOCTOR 1: Out! They all run from the room. INT. MONASTARY, TUNNEL, NIGHT AMY'S the first to exit the room and head down the tunnel. RORY finds them. RORY: All right? AMY: Oh, Rory! Oh, Rory. (hugs him) RORY: There's a way out. Jennifer found it. A secret tunnel under the crypt. CLEAVES: From the crypt? It's not on the schematics. RORY: It runs right out of the monastery. Maybe even under the TARDIS, Doctor. Follow me. RORY heads off and the others follow. DOCTOR 1 hesitates before joining them. EXT. MONASTARY, NIGHT DOCTOR 2 wakes to see the Gangers standing above him. DOCTOR 1: Got anything for a sore head? CLEAVES: This is how they'll always treat us. Do you see now? After all, you're one of us...Doctor. DOCTOR 1: (puts the sonic in his inside jacket pocket) Call me Smith. John Smith. INT. MONASTARY, ACID ROOM, NIGHT CLEAVES leads the way. JIMMY: We can't leave without Buzzer. CLEAVES: I'll go back for him. RORY: Doctor, look...I'd better tell you, I haven't been quite straight with you... GANGER JENNIFER reaches out in front of RORY, closing the door and locking the others in. DOCTOR 1: Rory! The DOCTOR and CLEAVES try to open the door. INT. MONASTARY, OUTSIDE ACID ROOM, NIGHT RORY: C'mon, Jennifer, we don't need to lock them up. We should just show them what we've found. GANGER JENNIFER: I don't think so. INT. MONASTARY, ACID ROOM, NIGHT DOCTOR 1: Rory Pond, Roranicus Pondicus! AMY: Rory! What the hell are you playing at? INT. MONASTARY, OUTSIDE ACID ROOM, NIGHT RORY: They've been throwing away old Flesh and leaving it to rot, alive! I think the world should see that. DOCTOR 1: Rory, there is no time. This factory's about to explode! RORY: (to GANGER JENNIFER) Are you sure about this? Cos I'm not. Let them out. GANGER JENNIFER: The little girl got strong. RORY: What? GANGER JENNIFER: The little girl lost on the moors in her red wellies? Looking for a way home? Well, she got strong, Rory. I told you, remember? RORY: But that wasn't...it was the other Jennifer that told me about being a little girl. GANGER JENNIFER: Oh? What other Jennifer? (her eyes glow) RORY: Well, the... the... wait, you tricked me? Let me go, I'll open the door. GANGER JENNIFER grabs him by the arm. RORY: Let me... (to AMY) I'm sorry! RORY is dragged away. AMY pounds on the window in disgust. GANGER CLEAVES looks through at CLEAVES. GANGER CLEAVES: We have to be free. CLEAVES: I'm sorry too, Miranda. Of all the humans in the world, you had to pick the one with the clot. But hey, them's the breaks. Welcome to the human race. GANGER CLEAVES walks away. INT. MONASTARY, ACID ROOM, NIGHT DOCTOR 1 takes readings of the acid with the sonic. DOCTOR 1: This is going to overheat and fill the room with acid, just as a point of interest. CLEAVES: And we can't stop it? DOCTOR 1: Just as a point of interest, no. INT. MONASTARY, DINING HALL, DAY RORY is yelling at GANGER JENNIFER. RORY: You created another ganger just to trick me. You tricked me. When I found you, you were both Flesh and you tricked me into trusting you! Jen's dead, isn't she? DOCTOR 2 is sitting on the table. DOCTOR 1: She's gone, Rory. Gone. MAN: (over radio) 'Shuttle, we're dropping down on our approach. Stand by for evac'. GANGER JENNIFER: The humans will be melted, as they deserve. And then the factory will be destroyed. Once we get to the mainland, the real battle begins. The humans won't stand a chance. You're one of us, Doctor. Join the revolution. RORY: I've got to go and get them out. DOCTOR 2 pushes RORY back and stands by GANGER JENNIFER. RORY looks betrayed. INT. MONASTARY, ACID ROOM, DAY DICKEN lowers the cap over the vat. JIMMY: It'll never hold her. DOCTOR 1: If you have a better plan, I'm all ears. In fact, if you have a better plan, I'll take you to a planet where EVERYONE is all ears. The lid slams shut. INT. MONASTARY, DINING HALL, DAY RORY: Doctor, we can't just let them die. DOCTOR 1: (looks at watch) Ring Ring! RORY: Doctor! DOCTOR 1: Ring Ring! (pushes RORY back) INT. MONASTARY, ACID ROOM, DAY CLEAVES is watching the vat. CLEAVES: The acid's eating through. The building shakes. INT. MONASTARY, DINING HALL, DAY RORY tries to take advantage of the quake and get past the Gangers. DOCTOR 1: Stay! (points at RORY) RORY: (stops and puts hands up) OK. The phone rings. DOCTOR 1: Ah, that'll be the phone. Somebody get the phone. Jimmy, get the phone. No? Fine, I'll get the phone. Stay put. DOCTOR 2 picks up the phone and uses the sonic. A hologram appears of a young boy. OPERATOR: 'Thank you for booking your holo-call with Morpeth Jet...' DOCTOR 1: Ha! Hello, Adam, I'm the Doctor. Well, Other Doctor. GANGER JIMMY stands slowly. DOCTOR 1: Or Smith. It's complicated and boring. Anyway, who cares, it's your birthday! ADAM: Yay! DOCTOR 1: Yay! Now, have you been getting up very early and jumping on the bed? ADAM: Yes, really high. DOCTOR 1: I expect chocolate for breakfast. If you don't feel sick by mid-morning, you're not doing it right. Now, I think you want to speak to Dad. (turns to look at GANGER JIMMY) ADAM: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Daddy? DOCTOR 1: (walks to JIMMY) You'll do, Jimmy. What does the other Jimmy matter now? You're both the same dad, aren't you? Come on, Adam's waiting. ADAM: Daddy? (another quake) Daddy, what's that rumbly noise? What's going on, Daddy? Daddy? GANGER JIMMY runs from the room. GANGER JENNIFER: You've tricked him into an act of weakness, Doctor. DOCTOR 1: No, I've helped him into an act of humanity. Anyone else like the sound of that? Act of humanity. GANGER CLEAVES: Dicken, drain the acid well in crypt one. GANGER DICKEN leaves to follow orders. GANGER JENNIFER: Don't you dare! GANGER CLEAVES: I've had it with this! What's the point in this ridiculous war? Look at you, Jen. You were a sweet kid. Look at you now. Stuff of nightmares. I don't want my world populated by monsters. GANGER JENNIFER: You can't stop the factory from melting down, "boss". I'll take revenge on humanity with or without you. DOCTOR 1: It doesn't have to be about revenge. It can be so much better than that. GANGER JENNIFER storms from the room. INT. MONASTARY, ACID ROOM, DAY JIMMY is struggling to keep the lid on the vat. INT. MONASTARY, HALLS, DAY GANGERS JIMMY and DICKEN are running through the halls to the acid room. GANGER JIMMY types in the code and opens the door. INT. MONASTARY, ACID ROOM, DAY Acid splashes on JIMMY'S chest. He falls back to the floor. GANGER JIMMY runs in. GANGER JIMMY: Let me through! (makes his way to JIMMY lying on the ground) DOCTOR 1: There's nothing we can do. The acid's reached his heart. GANGER JIMMY: Hang in there, mate. JIMMY: I'm quite handsome from this angle. GANGER JIMMY: I'm...sorry. I'm the fake. Adam deserves his real dad. JIMMY: Shut up. GANGER JIMMY: What do you want me to do? Anything, just say. JIMMY: The way things are, mate... it's up to you now. (pulls on the cord around his neck and presses it into GANGER JIMMY'S hand) Be a dad. You remember how. (dies) GANGER JIMMY holds up JIMMY'S wedding band. DOCTOR 1: Jimmy Wicks...you're a dad. INT. MONASTARY, DINING HALL, DAY RORY, DOCTOR 2 and GANGER CLEAVES are the only ones in the room. ADAM'S hologram is still connected. ADAM: Daddy? Where's my daddy? GANGER JIMMY enters followed by the others. RORY goes right to AMY and they hug and kiss. CLEAVES goes to her ganger and GANGER JIMMY approaches the hologram of "his" son. ADAM: Daddy, it's me! GANGER JIMMY: (laughs nervously) Hey, sunshine! What are you up to? ADAM: Opening all my presents. GANGER JIMMY: Haha, good lad. You have fun today. And remember, your dad... he loves you very, very much. ADAM: When are you coming home? DOCTOR 1: Daddy's coming home today, Adam. ADAM: Yay! ADAM does his excited dance and GANGER JIMMY smiles. DOCTOR 1: Now we need to move. INT. MONASTARY, STAIRWELL, DAY GANGER JENNIFER is sitting down, panting hard. She is in her half-form and hears a door in the distance. INT. MONASTARY, HALL, DAY One of the DOCTORS is leading the way as they run. They stop when they come across a misshapen, elongated GANGER JENNIFER. DOCTOR 1: Run. Run. Run! They turn back the way they came as GANGER JENNIFER now moves on all-fours. They run through a narrow hallway and into another room. INT. MONASTARY, ROOM, DAY The roof groans. DOCTOR 1: Ooh, roof's going to give. Both DICKEN and his Ganger close the metal door. GANGER DICKEN: We have to stop her. This door doesn't lock. DICKEN: No, but the far one does. INT. MONASTARY, HALL, DAY DICKEN runs down the hall to the far door. He pulls on it, but it's jammed. GANGER JENNIFER gets closer. DICKEN pulls part of the handle off. He finally closes the door but stays on the other side. His scream carries down the hall. INT. MONASTARY, ROOM, DAY GANGER DICKEN: No! GANGER DICKEN slams the door shut. GANGER CLEAVES and DOCTOR 1 help him. DOCTOR 1: (looks up at roof) Here she comes. At that moment, the TARDIS falls through the roof. DOCTOR 1: Oh, she does like to make an entrance! DOCTOR 1: (opens the TARDIS) Move! DOCTOR 1: (holds the door) Go, go, go, go! GANGER DICKEN runs to the TARDIS. GANGER CLEAVES: Get on board! Go! CLEAVES: I'm not leaving. INT. MONASTARY, HALL, DAY GANGER JENNIFER bangs against the door. INT. MONASTARY, ROOM, DAY GANGER CLEAVES: Go. CLEAVES runs to the TARDIS. AMY: Now's our chance. DOCTOR 1: I have to stay. Hold this door closed. Give you time to dematerialise. AMY: Oh, don't be crazy. OK, what happens to you? DOCTOR 1: Well, this place is just about to explode. But I can stop her. AMY: Both of you can survive this, OK? DOCTOR 1: Or perhaps you think I should stay instead... Mr Smith? AMY: No, of course not. But look, this man, I've flown with him, you know? And you are amazing and yeah, I misjudged you, but you're not him. I'm sorry. DOCTOR 1: Amy, we swapped shoes. I'm the Doctor. DOCTOR 1: And I'm the Flesh. AMY: You can't be. (turns to Ganger DOCTOR) You're the real him. GANGER DOCTOR: No, I'm not, and I haven't been all along. AMY: What? DOCTOR: I'm the original Doctor, Amy. We had to know if we were truly the same. It was important, vital, we learn about The Flesh. And we could only do that through your eyes. AMY looks at GANGER DOCTOR and then runs to hug him tightly. AMY: I never thought it possible. GANGER DOCTOR: What? AMY: You're twice the man I thought you were. GANGER DOCTOR: (whispers) Push, Amy. But only when she tells you to. GANGER JENNIFER bangs at the door again. RORY: Amy, come on! AMY rushes past the DOCTOR. GANGER DOCTOR: Well, my death arrives, I suppose. DOCTOR: But this one, we're not invited to. GANGER DOCTOR: Pardon? DOCTOR: Nothing. Your molecular memory can survive this, you know. It may not be the end. (tosses him the sonic screwdriver) GANGER DOCTOR: If I turn up to nick all your biscuits, you'll know you were right. The DOCTOR chuckles. He sobers and exchanges a nod with his ganger. AMY: Doctor! No, please... RORY guides her back to the TARDIS. GANGER DOCTOR: You too, Cleaves, off you pop. GANGER CLEAVES: I'm staying. GANGER DOCTOR: This is not the time for grand gestures. GANGER CLEAVES: Says the king of grand gestures! This is my factory! I'm not going anywhere. GANGER DOCTOR: Foreman Miranda Cleaves, marvellous! (kisses her head) Beware of imitations. GANGER CLEAVES: Clear off out of here, the lot of you! The DOCTOR, AMY and RORY run to the TARDIS. The GANGER DOCTOR holds up the sonic. GANGER DOCTOR: This will dissolve her. GANGER CLEAVES: And us too. THE TARDIS dematerializes. GANGER DOCTOR: There may be a way back from this. (tosses the sonic hand-to-hand) GANGER CLEAVES: From being vaporised? How? GANGER DOCTOR: Don't know. Let's find out, eh? They open the door. GANGER DOCTOR: Don't know. Let's find out, eh? They each hold the sonic. GANGER DOCTOR: Geronimo! They activate the sonic. GANGER JENNIFER bursts and GANGER DOCTOR and GANGER CLEAVES "melt". INT. TARDIS The DOCTOR is leaning against the console. AMY comes over and wraps her hands around his arm. DOCTOR: The energy from the TARDIS will stabilise the gangers for good. They're people now. CLEAVES: And what happens to me? I still have this. DOCTOR: Ah, that's not a problem. (snaps fingers) I have something for that. It's small and red and tastes like burnt onions, ha! (pulls a vial from under the console) But it'll get rid of your blood clot. (tosses the vial to CLEAVES)(grabs a red balloon) Happy endings. EXT. BEACH, DAY ADAM is standing on the shore bundled in a winter coat. A red balloon drifts by. GANGER JIMMY: Hey! Hello, bud. ADAM runs to his father. ADAM: Daddy, you're back! GANGER JIMMY lifts ADAM and twirls around. GANGER JIMMY: Hello, my boy! How are you doing? The DOCTOR watches from a distance. INT. MORPETH-JETSAN HQ, DAY The TARDIS is in the lobby. The DOCTOR, CLEAVES and GANGER DICKEN walk slowly towards the main door followed by AMY and RORY. CLEAVES: You really want us to do this? DOCTOR: Your company's telling the world that the situation is over. You need to get in there and tell them that the situation's only just begun. Make them understand what they're doing to the Flesh. Make them stop. Dicken, remember, people are good. In their bones, truly good. Don't hate them, will you? GANGER DICKEN: How can I hate them? I'm one of them now. DOCTOR: Yeah, and just remember, people died. Don't let that be in vain. Make what you say in that room count. CLEAVES: Ready? (walks to the door) Side by side. GANGER DICKEN: You got it, boss. CLEAVES opens the door and we hear a press conference happening inside. REPORTER: Have the army dealt with the imposters? The door closes behind them. AMY: (nudges DOCTOR) You OK? DOCTOR: I said breathe, Pond, remember? Well, breathe. AMY: Why? DOCTOR: Breathe. AMY: (doubles over and gasps) Ohh! Whoa. Oh! RORY: What's wrong with her? DOCTOR 1: Get her into the TARDIS. The DOCTOR strides back to the TARDIS and RORY follows, helping AMY. INT. TARDIS The DOCTOR walks up to the console platform as RORY and AMY enter. RORY: Doctor! What is happening to her? DOCTOR: Contractions. RORY: Contractions? DOCTOR: She's going into labour. AMY: Did he say...? No, of course he didn't. Rory, I don't like this. Ow! (grips her stomach and bends over) RORY: You'll have to start explaining this to me, Doctor. DOCTOR: What, the birds and the bees? She's having a baby. I needed to see the Flesh in its early days. That's why I scanned it. That's why we were there in the first place. I was going to drop you off for fish and chips first, but things happened and there was stuff and shenanigans. Beautiful word, shenanigans. AMY: It hurts! RORY: But you're OK? DOCTOR: Breathe. I needed enough information to block the signal to the Flesh. AMY: What signal? DOCTOR: The signal to you. AMY: Doctor? DOCTOR: Stand away from her, Rory. RORY: Why? No! And why? DOCTOR: Given what we've learned, I'll be as humane as I can, but I need to do this and you need to stand away! RORY looks at AMY who shakes her head. RORY looks back at the DOCTOR and then slowly backs away from AMY. AMY: No. No! (turns her gaze from RORY to the DOCTOR) Doctor, I am frightened. I'm properly, properly scared. DOCTOR: Don't be. Hold on. We're coming for you, I swear it. Whatever happens, however hard, however far, we will find you. (puts his hand to AMY'S cheek) AMY: I'm right here! (puts her hands on his arm) DOCTOR: No, you're not. You haven't been here for a long, long time. The DOCTOR pulls away from her and holds up the sonic screwdriver. RORY gasps. AMY: Oh, no! The DOCTOR activates the sonic and AMY melts into Flesh. INT. ??? AMY wakes with a gasp. She is lying in a bed and dressed in a white hospital gown. Above her, a window slides open and she sees the EYE-PATCH LADY. EYE-PATCH LADY: Well, dear, you're ready to pop, aren't you? Little one's on its way. AMY looks down her body and sees she is in a position about to give birth and starts whimpering. EYE-PATCH LADY: Here it comes. Pu-u-u-ush! AMY screams TO BE CONTINUED...	Plan: A: Amy; Q: Who is pregnant in the white tube? A: the Doctor; Q: Who does Amy not trust? A: his future death; Q: What does Amy accidentally tell the Flesh version of the Doctor? A: Lake Silencio; Q: Where does the Doctor die? A: Ganger; Q: What is the name of the entity that Amy is being replaced by? A: the war; Q: What is Jennifer's Ganger leading against the humans? A: her human counterpart; Q: Who does Jennifer's Ganger kill? A: Rory; Q: Who is manipulated by Jennifer's Ganger to imprison the humans in an acid storage room? A: The Doctor; Q: Who reveals that Amy was actually distrusting the real version of him? A: The Doctor's Ganger; Q: Who convinces the Gangers to liberate the humans? A: a monster; Q: What has Jennifer's Ganger transformed herself into? A: Cleaves' Ganger; Q: Who is the Ganger that stays behind to destroy the monster? A: contractions; Q: What does Amy experience when she is going into labour? A: her real self; Q: Who is controlling the Ganger that Amy is going into labour with? A: her real body; Q: Where does Amy wake up in after the Doctor disintegrates her Flesh form? A: the " Eye Patch Lady; Q: Who watches over Amy in her real body? Summary: Amy does not trust the Flesh version of the Doctor but accidentally tells it about his future death at Lake Silencio. Jennifer's Ganger, leading the war against the humans, kills her human counterpart and creates another Ganger, manipulating Rory into imprisoning the humans in an acid storage room. The Doctor's Ganger persuades the Gangers to liberate the humans, but they are pursued by Jennifer's Ganger, who has transformed herself into a monster. The Doctor reveals that Amy was actually distrusting the real version of him, and his Ganger and Cleaves' Ganger stay behind to destroy the monster. Amy begins experiencing contractions, and the Doctor explains she is going into labour and had been replaced by a Ganger which her real self is controlling. He disintegrates her Flesh form and she awakes in her real body fully pregnant in a white tube, watched over by the " Eye Patch Lady ", who instructs her to "push".
Scene: A radio studio. Ira Flatow: This is Science Friday. I'm Ira Flatow. My guest today is responsible for the discovery of the first stable super-heavy element. Welcome, Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Sheldon: Thank you. Uh, the university made me come here. I didn't want to. Uh, big fan of the show. Ira: So, I understand that you actually discovered this element by mistake. Sheldon: Yes. Ira: And some people in the science community are calling it The Wonder Blunder. Sheldon: Who? Give me their names. I bet it's Wolowitz. Ira: It's just such a fascinating story. Your calculations are way off, but they find the element anyway. It's like misreading a treasure map and still finding the treasure. Sheldon: Can we talk about something else? Do you know that I yodel? Ira: That's interesting, but this could be taking you down the path toward a Nobel Prize. And in chemistry, no less. And wouldn't that be unusual? Because you're a physicist. Sheldon: Yes, yes, I'd be a physicist with a Nobel in chemistry. Everyone laugh at the circus freak. You know, I don't need to sit here and take this, Flatow. It is because of bullies like you, every day more and more Americans are making the switch to television. Credits sequence. Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is on the phone. Sheldon: President Seibert, I don't know why you're yelling. You're the one who made me go on the radio. I was expecting a professional science interview, not an attack by some morning zoo shock jock. Well, if the university needs money so badly, perhaps you should start a swear jar. Whoa, that one's worth a dollar. Amy: I know you don't like it, but every time you do an interview, it raises the profile of the university. That translates to funding. Sheldon: Yeah, well, I'm not just some trained monkey dancing for coins. Leonard: Of course you're not. People love trained monkeys. Penny: How can you not be happy? You're tall, thin and famous. Oh, my God, I'm jealous of Sheldon. Sheldon: Look, you're gonna be doing this stuff for a while. You're just gonna have to find a way to get used to it. Sheldon: But none of you know what this is like. Being celebrated for something you wish you never did. Penny: Mmm, you clearly haven't been with me at Mardi Gras. Scene: Howard and Bernadette's apartment. Bernadette: Want to pause the video game and help me clean up? Howard: I am cleaning up. Look at the mess the Joker made of Gotham City. Bernadette: Come on, it's your friend who's coming to stay here. Howard: Raj grew up in India. Trust me, he's seen worse. Bernadette: Howie. Howard: I promise I'll help out the rest of the week. Bernadette: The rest of the week? You said it was just gonna be a night or two. Howard: Yeah, but if I told you a week, would you have said yes? Bernadette: No. Howard: Then you left me no choice. Bernadette: I love Raj, but that's a long time for a house guest. Howard: I know, but they're tenting his building. He can't find a hotel he likes that allows dogs. Bernadette: He's bringing Cinnamon? Howard: For a whole week, the nerve of some people. Scene: Sheldon's bedroom. Sheldon is playing with his train set. Sheldon: Here comes the Embarrassment Express. With stops at Fraudville, Wonder Blunderberg, and Kansas City. Because it's a hub. Amy: Sheldon, can I come in? Sheldon: Do you have cookies? Amy: No. Sheldon: Good. I don't deserve cookies. Come in. Wil? Wil Wheaton: Hey, Sheldon. It's been a while. Sheldon: Why are you here? Wil: Amy said you were having a rough time, and I thought maybe we could talk. Is that okay? Sheldon: Certainly. Although, right now, I'm having a rough time because there's three people in my room, and it's starting to feel like a discotheque. Amy: Sheldon, you said you were unhappy getting attention for something you wished you never did. Wil: Yeah, I know a little something about that. Sheldon: Oh, nonsense, Wil. Your endless tweets are not that bad. Wil: I remember why it's been a while. Sheldon, I was actually talking about when I was a kid on Star Trek. Sheldon: How could you not like getting attention for playing Wesley Crusher? You were wonderful. A know-it-all boy genius with an eidetic memory. Who couldn't relate to that? Wil: Well, not everybody felt that way. A lot of people really hated the character, and some of them hated me because of it. I would do interviews, and people would be mean to me. Sheldon: That just happened to me. Next time you're stuck for a tweet, feel free to say what a jerk Ira Flatow is. Amy: Sheldon, the point is Wil learned to embrace that part of his life and moved on to bigger and better things. Wil: Yeah, I'm an author now, I do public speaking, and I have my own Web series about board games. Amy: Uh, we're trying to cheer him up, so... Wil: I'm just saying that there was a time when I thought I would never get out of Wesley Crusher's shadow. But now, it's just one small part of a pretty great life, and it's a part that I'm happy is there. Sheldon: I do see what you're saying. That helps. Wil: Good. Sheldon: Would you two like to stay and play trains with me? Wil: Sure. Amy: Okay. Sheldon: Oh, great, now, I work the controls, I say all aboard. You sit quietly and watch. Wil:Can I blow the whistle? Sheldon: You should probably go. Scene: Howard and Bernadette's apartment. Howard: You're gonna brush your teeth on my couch? Raj: No, I'm gonna brush Cinnamon's teeth. Howard: Why bother? She spends half the time licking her butt. Raj: And the other half licking my face. That's why I'm brushing her teeth. Bernadette: Hey, guys. Sorry I'm so late. Did you already have dinner? Howard: No, we were waiting for you. Bernadette: Aw, that's so sweet. Howard: Yeah. So what do you feel like making? Raj: Howard, the poor thing just got home from work. Let me get you a glass of wine. I'll cook dinner. Bermadette: Oh, Raj, you're our guest. Raj: Don't be silly. Sit. You look like you've had a long day. Howard: No, she always looks like that. Because she married an idiot. Bernadette: Thank you, Raj. Raj: Please, this is my way of thanking you for letting me stay here. Now, tell us all about your day. Bernadette: Okay, um, well, first, I was late to a meeting 'cause I was stuck in traffic. Howard: Well, I keep telling you to put that traffic app on your phone. Raj: Hey, when you got home today complaining that you felt sick from eating too many jelly beans, did I tell you how to fix it? No. I said, aw, that must hurt, and I rubbed your belly. Howard: I thought of you the whole time. Raj: All I'm saying is there's a time to just listen. Bernadette: Thank you. Raj: There's also a time to stop eating too many jelly beans. And it's when you're ten. Scene: The apartment. Sheldon: Hello, President Siebert. Thank you for taking my call. I just wanted you to know that you can now expect enthusiastic participation from me regarding my discovery. Oh, no, no, no, no. No need to thank mNo, thank my friend, Wil Wheaton. For your information, I have nine friends, hmm? Ten if we include you. Nine it is. Ah, it's ten. I'll count Wolowitz. Hello, friend Leonard. Leonard: Hey, you're in a good mood. Sheldon: I'm in a great mood. Leonard: Well, you're about to be in an even better one. I didn't want to say anything until I knew for sure, but, I've been re-running the tests on your element in my lab and I disproved it. Your element does not exist. Sheldon: Yeah, but what about the Chinese research team? They found it. Leonard: Yeah, it turns out someone added simulated signals to the data files. They faked the results. Sheldon: Really? Leonard: Yes. Do you know what that means? That means all of this attention that you hate goes away. Sheldon: So no more interviews? Leonard: No, it's all over. Sheldon: I can't believe it. Leonard: Well, you're welcome. Sheldon: You robbed me of my greatest achievement. Leonard: What? Sheldon: I'm back down to nine friends. Make it eight, I'm sick of Wolowitz, too. Leonard: I, I don't understand. All you've done since you discovered this stupid element was complain. I was trying to make you happy. Sheldon: By taking away my only claim to fame? Well, if you wanted to make me happy, you could have told me a joke. Or shown me a cute video of a koala and an otter becoming unlikely friends. Leonard: Oh, there is no winning with you. And koalas and otters don't even live near each other. Sheldon: That's what makes their friendship unlikely, Penny: Hey, what's with all the yelling? Sheldon: Leonard disproved my element. Now all the attention is going to go away. Penny: Oh, that's great. You must be thrilled, Sheldon: That's it, I'm down to seven friends. Penny: He's counting hobbits and superheroes, right? Sheldon: When I thought the element was real, I didn't want it. But now that Leonard made it not exist, I want it more than anything in the world. Leonard: The, the element never existed. I didn't take it away, science took it away. Be mad at science. Sheldon: Don't you dare use science against me. Science is my best friend. Oh, good, I'm back up to eight. Leonard: Will you tell him he's out of his mind. Penny: Actually, I get what he's saying. Sheldon: Oh, yes, nine. Welcome back, buddy. Penny: It's like if you're dating someone you're not that into, and then they break up with you and then you want them more than ever. Sheldon: I have no idea what she's talking about, but we're ganging up on you so I agree. Leonard: Okay, Sheldon, what do you want me to do, hide the information? If I don't publish it, it's just a matter of time before someone else does. Sheldon: No, no, of course you have to publish. That's your responsibility as a scientist. Doing otherwise would be unethical. You have no choice. Leonard: Fine, I'll publish. Sheldon: Can you believe this guy? Scene: Howard and Bernadette's apartment. Bernadette: Aw! Raj did the dishes. Howard: How do you know I didn't do them? Bernadette: Because once, when all the knives were dirty, you cut a bagel with your keys. Raj: Good morning, everybody. I picked up coffee while I was out. Bernadette, here's your soy peppermint mocha. Bernadette: Aw, you didn't have to do that. Raj: Oh, my pleasure, and don't worry about your presentation today. You're gonna be great. Howard: Yeah, you're gonna knock it out of the park. Bernadette: What presentation do I have today? Howard: Just go. Raj: He loves you. Howard: What are you doing? Are you trying to make me look bad? Raj: I'm just being a good house guest. Howard: No, you're being a better husband than I am. Doing the dishes, getting coffee, knowing about her life, who does that? Raj: Oh, come on, I brought you one, too. Howard: I don't want coffee. Raj: That's why I got you hot chocolate. Howard: Give me that. Just stop showing me up. Raj: Howard, listen to me. You're a great husband. Yes, your listening skills could use some work. But it's amazing how far you've come given that you're an only child raised by an over-protective mom. Howard: Um, is this getting weird? Raj: Hang on. Howard: So, yes. [SCENE_BREAK] Scene: Sheldon's office. Leonard: Hey. I just wanted to let you know that I, I posted my findings. Sheldon: I saw. And I just posted a retraction of my paper. Now the whole scientific community knows I was wrong. Leonard: These things happen all the time, Sheldon. Sheldon: Not to me. The only other retraction I ever had to issue was when I was seven and I conceded that my brother was the greatest ninja in East Texas. But that was just a ploy to get my face out of his armpit. Barry: Thew he is. It's my favowite superhewo, the Wetwactor. Leonard: Come on, don't give him a hard time. Barry: I'm sowwy, Cooper. I wetwact it. By the way, Hofstadter, nice job dispwoving the Chinese team. Leonard: It's not a big deal. Barry: It's a huge deal. Cooper, maybe physics just isn't your thing. Have you ever considered a caweer in wetail? That way you could take things back for a wiving. Leonard: Okay, Barry, that's enough. Sheldon: No, no, no, that's okay. I can fight my own battles. Isn't that right, Bawwy. Barry: Is? Is that a wefewence to my speech impediment? That's pwetty hurtful. I, I can't contwol it. Sheldon: You're right, That was uncalled for. I take it back. Barry: Of course you do. Because you're the Wetwactor. Scene: Howard and Bernadette's apartment. Bernadette: Raj, this dinner was amazing. If you're here much longer, I'm gonna have to buy bigger clothes. Raj: Nonsense. You need a little fattening up. You've been looking too skinny lately. Bernadette: Aw. Howie, how come you never say anything sweet like that? Howard: What are you talking about? Remember last week, when I asked you if you were wearing Spanx and you weren't? How's that different? Bernadette: Maybe you could try being more thoughtful, like your friend Raj. Howard: Yeah, well, maybe you could try being more like Raj. Bernadette: Oh, really? Howard: Yeah, yeah. He packed me a lunch this morning. And there was a note inside that said go get 'em. Bernadette: Like I don't do enough around here. Now I need to pack your lunch? And by the way, why do you need a note telling you to go get 'em? You're a grown man, you should know to go get 'em. Howard: I do know to go get 'em, but sometimes it's nice to have emotional support when I'm going and getting them. Raj: Hey, hey, do you hear yourselves? Let's just, you know, all calm down and take a step back. Bernadette: This is stupid. Why are we fighting? Howard: I don't know. I guess I was just feeling like I'm a lousy husband. Bernadette: You're not a lousy husband. You're a great husband. I was the one feeling like a lousy wife. Howard: Are you kidding? You're the best. I know what the problem is. It's him. Raj: Oh, what did I do? Howard: You made us feel like we're not trying hard enough. Bernadette: Yeah, we were totally fine half-assing our marriage till you showed up. Raj: Look, I'm sorry you're upset with me, but I just have to say it's nice to see the two of you on the same page. Howard: Oh, it does feel good to have you backing me up for once. Bernadette: I back you up all the time. Howard: That is not... he's doing it again. Bernadette: What is wrong with you? Scene: The apartment. Leonard: I can't believe they kicked you out. Raj: I can't believe they're still married. Oh, no, I forgot Cinnamon's toothbrush at Howard's. I guess you're sharing with Daddy again. Penny: Bark once if you need me to call PETA. Sheldon: What's that animal doing in our apartment? Leonard: Oh, relax, she's in her crate. She can't get out. Sheldon: I have two words for you, Jurassic Park. This day just keeps getting worse and worse. Penny: You know, if it makes you feel any better... Sheldon: It probably won't. Penny: You're probably right. Amy: Sheldon, it's a beautiful night. Why don't you and I go for a nice walk together? Sheldon: Oh, everything is just s*x with you isn't it? Raj: Sheldon, I think you might find the support you're looking for if you realize that relationships are a give and take. She can only be there for you as much as you are for her. Amy: Thank you, Rajesh. Raj: And, Amy, you need to be patient with Sheldon, instead of pressuring him to accept intimacy on your terms. Amy: You should probably go. Scene: The radio studio. Ira: I'm Ira Flatow, and this is Science Friday. I'd like to welcome back Dr. Sheldon Cooper, who thought he had discovered a new super-heavy element only to have it disproved by my next guest, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter. Welcome to Science< Friday, gentlemen. Leonard: Thanks. Sheldon: Thank you. Ira, if I may, I'd like to apologize for my behaviour last week. Ira: It's all right. Sheldon: Now, isn't there something you'd like to say to me? Ira: No. Now, Dr. Hofstadter. Can you walk us through the process you used to disprove his theory? Leonard: Well... Sheldon: I believe I can answer that. Leonard: He asked me. Sheldon: Fine. Leonard: As I was saying... Sheldon: You're telling it wrong. Ira, to really understand the story here, you have to start at the very beginning. A small town in East Texas, where a young genius named... Leonard: Sheldon. Sheldon: That's right, Sheldon Cooper. He was bitten by his neighbour's dog, leading to his first scientific breakthrough, the doggie death-ray. Which, sadly, he couldn't build because Santa wouldn't bring him enriched uranium. Ira: You know, I'd really like to hear it from Dr. Hofstadter, if it's okay with you. Sheldon: What a surprise. Did you invite me back just so you could ignore me? Ira: Actually, I didn't invite you. You came in, you took a seat, and I'm not comfortable with confrontation. Leonard: Sheldon, this interview is supposed to be about me. Sheldon: Well, that seems like a snooze. Even for public radio. Penny (listening in her apartment): You know, if we did a shot every time they said something embarrassing, this would be one hell of a drinking game. Amy: A little early for alcohol, isn't it? Sheldon: You know, I don't just say smart things about science. I also yodel. (Does) Amy: I'll get the vodka.	Plan: A: Sheldon; Q: Who is angry that Leonard disproved his heavy element discovery? A: an interview; Q: What did Sheldon walk out of with Ira Flatow? A: Friday; Q: On what day of the week does NPR broadcast Science? A: Amy; Q: Who makes Raj leave after he gives her relationship advice? A: Wil Wheaton; Q: Who did Amy have talk to Sheldon about how to deal with unwanted fame? A: Leonard; Q: Who disproved the existence of Sheldon's heavy element? A: Sheldon's fury peaks; Q: What happens when Barry Kripke berates Sheldon over Leonard's findings? A: Raj's apartment building; Q: Where is Raj's dog, Cinnamon, being fumigated? A: Raj; Q: Who is thrown out of Howard and Bernadette's apartment building? A: Howard; Q: Who and Bernadette have a quarrel after Raj moves in? A: deficiencies; Q: What does Raj's presence highlight in Howard and Bernadette's relationship? A: physical contact; Q: What does Sheldon limit? Summary: Sheldon walks out of an interview with Ira Flatow on NPR's Science Friday after Flatow refers to Sheldon's heavy element discovery being accidental. Amy has Wil Wheaton talk with Sheldon about how to deal with unwanted fame. Later, Leonard reveals he disproved the existence of Sheldon's heavy element through his experiments. This infuriates Sheldon, who can now deal with fame and feels Leonard took away the one thing that made him famous. Sheldon's fury peaks when Barry Kripke berates him over Leonard's findings. Sheldon and Leonard argue with each other on Science Friday, while an embarrassed Amy and Penny listen. While Raj's apartment building is being fumigated, he and his dog, Cinnamon, move in with Howard and Bernadette for a week. Though Raj is very kind and helpful, his presence highlights deficiencies in Howard and Bernadette's relationship, leading them to quarrel. Eventually Raj is thrown out, and moves in with Leonard and Sheldon. He immediately gives Amy and Sheldon relationship advice; after he advises Amy to be patient with Sheldon's limits on physical contact, she makes Raj leave.
MUSIC IN: INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION/TEENS PLAY VIDEO GAMES) (SFX: VIDEO GAMES B.G.) VIDEO VOICE: (V.O.) Near miss. Near miss. Target not acquired! Taking fire! Near miss! Taking fire. Reload.(SFX: VIDEO GAME GUNFIRE B.G.) LEO: You so suck! DAVE: This machine sucks! It's impossible! VIDEO VOICE: You're hit, game over! Insert fifty cents to continue. LEO: No way. You still owe me three bucks for the tacos. DAVE: Screw it. You know what? The damn thing's rigged to make you lose anyways. VIDEO VOICE: Kill shot! Kill shot! Target destroyed! Kill shot! Kill shot! Kill shot! Bonus level! Kill shot! Kill shot! Kill shot! Kill shot! Kill shot! High score. Mission accomplished. You are the new high scorer. (SFX: VIDEO GAME GUNFIRE B.G.) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. RECRUITING CENTER - DAY DAVE: So you're telling me if we sign up now, you can guarantee us we go to Hawaii? ALVAREZ: Let's just say, you sign an open contract, I will bust my ass to get you any duty station you want. Hawaii, Italy, Spain... DAVE: Iraq? ALVAREZ: I ain't gonna lie to you, boys. Iraq might be a problem. What with boot camp, S-O-I, follow-on schools.... we're talking over a year and a half of training. Iraq will be pretty much be over by the time you boys graduate. Sorry. You were talking about wanting to go there, right? LEO: Yeah. Yeah sure. ALVAREZ: The truth is most Marines don't see combat. I mean, look at me. Been in the Corps sixteen years. Closest I've ever come to a bullet is... (SFX: GLASS BREAKS) (ALVAREZ SLUMPS OVER HIS DESK DEAD) (MUSIC OUT) (THEME MUSIC UP OVER OPENING TITLE/ SCENES/ CREDITS AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. RECRUITING CENTER - DAY (SFX: POLICE SIREN B.G.) DUCKY: (V.O.) If it's any consolation, Gibbs, Gunnery Sergeant Alvarez's death was almost instantaneous. GIBBS: C.O.'s on the way down here, Ducky. Can we move him yet? DUCKY: We can't place him on the gurney until we take pictures and Gerald has the camera and he's nowhere to be found. GIBBS: Can we hurry it up? I don't think Gunnery Sergeant Alvarez would appreciate being seen like this. DUCKY: You knew the man? GIBBS: No. DUCKY: But if it's any consolation, Gunny, he's the absolute best we've got. My assistant on the other hand... Excuse me. But that's the problem today, isn't it? The technological advances of the so-called Internet generation. M-P Three players, and IPODS and video games. Spinning themselves into a self-induced state of attention deficit disorder. Barely absorbing one cluster of information before the next one strikes their fancy. GIBBS: DiNozzo, where's my bullet? TONY: Hopefully in this box or the wall behind it. Got your knife on you, boss? GIBBS: Rule number nine, never go anywhere without a knife. KATE: (OVERLAP) ...go anywhere without a knife. TONY: Are you sure about that? I thought nine was never ask a girl her weight on the first date. KATE: Well that depends entirely on if you want a second one or not, Tony. GIBBS: What've you got, Kate? KATE: Well, the kids can't tell us much except for where Alvarez was sitting when he was popped. Several people reported hearing a gunshot around thirteen hundred, but no eyewitnesses. TONY: I bet you had no problem getting dates wearing one of these, Gibbs. GIBBS: Dating was not exactly my problem in the Corps, DiNozzo. What did the LEO say? KATE: It might be gang-related. Alvarez had a couple of run-ins with the locals. Last month they threw a cinder block through the window here. TONY: Well, if it was gang-bangers, they're packing serious heat. It went straight through the sheet rock into what looks like some kind of toy warehouse. GIBBS: Give me my knife back. You two better get moving. Don't come back without my bullet. (GIBBS WALKS O.S.) TONY: You think he'd let me borrow his uniform for a weekend? KATE: I don't know. I just hope I'm there when you ask him. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. BUILDING - DAY DUCKY: Where on earth did he put the gurney? I swear if he's lost inside that MP Three again... GERALD: I got the rest of those photos that you asked for. Gibbs said that he wanted Gunnery Sergeant Alvarez out of there quick, so I staged the gurney near his body. (DOOR CLOSES) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY (DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) TONY: Did you ever play with one of these as a kid? KATE: Do I look like the doll type, Tony? TONY: Well maybe if you smiled more, did something with your hair. CARL: Can I help you? KATE: Oh, yes. We're with NCIS. TONY: It stands for... CARL: Naval Criminal Investigative Service. Yeah. Yeah, I'm Carl. A.W.M., assistant warehouse manager. KATE: You've heard of us. CARL: I watch Forensic Files on Court TV. They profiled a case your department did a few years ago. TONY: Really? CARL: Yeah. You guys couldn't solve it, so they brought in the FBI and those guys- TONY: I don't have cable, Carl. KATE: We're here on official business. CARL: Oh, about the murder next door - not that we know it's a murder yet, but from all preliminary indications it appears that it's probably... TONY: (OVERLAP) The bullet went through the common wall into your warehouse. We need to forensically trace its trajectory. CARL: Not a problem. You gonna use the laser pointer or the more outdated string technique? MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. RECRUITING CENTER - DAY GIBBS: Major Dougherty? DOUGHERTY: Yes? GIBBS: Special Agent Gibbs, NCIS. DOUGHERTY: Five months in Iraq, I didn't lose a single man. GIBBS: What can you tell me about the Gunnery Sergeant? DOUGHERTY: He was a legend. A career recruiter who never missed a quota. GIBBS: Any ideas? DOUGHERTY: We've had some trouble with gangs in the neighborhood. Vandalism, mostly. They don't like it when the kids around here choose a career over hanging out on the street corners. GIBBS: What about complaints filed from the kids he did recruit? DOUGHERTY: There were a few. GIBBS: I'll need to see those. DOUGHERTY: Not a problem. GIBBS: The real ones, Major. The one that tend to surface when you don't make your quota. DOUGHERTY: Hell, if it helps you catch his killer, I'll give you his whole damn filing cabinet, Agent Gibbs. GIBBS: All right. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. TOY WAREHOUSE - DAY KATE: Where the hell's the bullet? It's like it just disappeared. TONY: I'm going to need you on your knees over here, Kate. It's time to get dirty. KATE: What? TONY: We have to sweep the floor for marks. It may have lost velocity and dropped. KATE: Right. I knew that. CARL: That's not how they do it on CSI. KATE: You really need to get off that couch more, Carl. TONY: Was there a pallet or display like right around here, say one o'clock this afternoon? (SHOUTS) Carl! CARL: Uh... uh yeah. It went out about an hour ago. It was a load of dolls heading for Richmond. TONY: Can you contact the driver? CARL: Sure. TONY: Good, because we've got a new address for the drop off. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY GIBBS: I got a present for you, Kate. KATE: Okay? What is it? GIBBS: Seven years worth of Gunnery Sergeant Alvarez's personal and professional correspondence. It's sorted by category. KATE: Which are? GIBBS: I'm going to leave that part of it up to you. KATE: Oh, come on, Gibbs. At least tell me what I'm looking for? GIBBS: Same thing we're all looking for, Kate. A murderer. KATE: Oh, why didn't I take the damn dolls! MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. LAB - DAY TONY: Is there a reason you pulled all their heads off, Abby?? ABBY: It's so we know that we've checked them. TONY: Yeah, but the one with the round in it was sitting practically on top. You emptied the entire box. ABBY: Well, it was kind of fun. TONY: And they're naked? ABBY: Shh! I am about to perform my first autopsy. (ABBY SLICES THE HEAD OPEN) ABBY: Ha! Gerald, to Abby, please. GIBBS: Does Ducky know you do that? ABBY: Hey Gibbs. I was just about to run this through the ballistics lab. GIBBS: Good, because when you're done, I want to see that mock-up of the trajectory on the computer. ABBY: Then I'm gone. GIBBS: Why are all these dolls naked? TONY: Don't look at me, Boss. Must be a goth thing. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. BALLISTICS LAB ABBY: It definitely wasn't a pistol, Gibbs. Seven point six two millimeters. KATE: A rifle. ABBY: The problem is I can't tell which kind. Hopefully I can to look it up on the plates. GIBBS: Why don't you start with what it's not, Abby? ABBY: Well, I know it's not an AK forty seven. There's lots of those floating around D.C. The grooving's all wrong. Without knowing the exact make of the rifle, I'm going on guess work, but I think it explains why there's no eyewitnesses. Every rifle has a certain range where they experience maximum penetration power. It has to do with the ammo load, the length of the barrel, and the rifling. We know our round went through a Marine, ricocheted off an office chair, through a box, a sheet rock wall, and ended up in our doll's head. There's no way that shot came from just outside the window or even across the street. The shooter was long range. Really long range. GIBBS: Our shooter is a sniper. (MUSIC UP AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT KATE: Relax your hand or you're never going to get it in your mouth. TONY: I'm trying, but this thing's too damn slippery. KATE: You're never going to impress a girl like that. TONY: Oh, whatever. Just promise me the next time we decide to do this, Kate, make sure that they don't forget the forks. No one likes a showoff. Screw this. Do you have any soup? Ah... (KATE CHUCKLES) (DOORS SLIDE OPEN) GIBBS: That had better not be mine, DiNozzo. TONY: Gibbs ordered soup? Great! (TO GIBBS) If it's any consolation, it's not very good. GIBBS: Whose chow mein? KATE: Tony's. GIBBS: Good. So anything interesting in Alvarez' complaint file? KATE: Well it seems he had a gift for exaggerating the opportunities available in the Marine Corps. TONY: You'll like this one, boss. One guy wanted to be a paramedic, so Alvarez guaranteed him the Corps would train him to save lives. KATE: What's wrong with that? GIBBS: The Marine Corps doesn't have medical personnel. TONY: They're all Navy. GIBBS: Technically he was correct. I mean, Marines do save lives mostly through the use of superior firepower. KATE: Well, that's pretty much his M.O. The bait and switch. This kid wanted to be a pilot. Alvarez told him that he'd be sitting in a cockpit by his second year. TONY: Plane mechanic? KATE: Close. Ejection seat technician. GIBBS: Any of them contain threats? KATE: No. Not yet at least. TONY: You know, come to think of it, you never told us why you enlisted, boss. (PHONE RINGS) GIBBS: That's because it's personal. (INTO PHONE) Gibbs. KATE: You think his recruiter told him a fast one? TONY: I doubt it. KATE: Why? TONY: Can you imagine someone lying to Gibbs and getting away with it? GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah. (TO TONY AND KATE) That's our authorization for the building Abby thinks the sniper fired from. DiNozzo, you're with me. KATE: What about me? GIBBS: No. I need to see if there's a murderer hiding in that sack of files. TONY: Good luck. KATE: Alone eating Chinese food again. Oh, what a refreshing change, Kate. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT TONY: It's a nice neighborhood. A couple of coats of paint, maybe a bulldozer. GIBBS: You're looking at the reason Alvarez made quota every month. TONY: Actually, I think I'm looking at vomit. GIBBS: He was trying to give these kids a real chance to get out of here. The problem is that some of them were too young or ignorant to realize it. TONY: Maybe. But you've got to admit he had a unique approach. GIBBS: You got a key? TONY: Right here. (TONY TRIES TO UNLOCK THE DOOR) TONY: The thing is stuck. GIBBS: Give me a try. (DOOR OPENS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. ELEVATOR (SFX: METAL ELEVATOR DOORS SLIDE OPEN) GIBBS: Hey, DiNozzo. Kind of reminds me of your apartment. Except for that minty fresh urine smell. TONY: For your information, I have a maid now. GIBBS: You can afford a maid? TONY: It's amazing what you can do when you don't have to pay three alimonies. Ow! Oh, this doesn't make any sense. Are you sure this is the wall facing the recruiting station? GIBBS: Yeah. Northeast. TONY: Abby's trajectory's got to be wrong. How could a guy fire from here? There isn't even a window. GIBBS: I don't know. That's what we're going to find out. Let's get busy. TONY: Minty fresh urine smell. (SFX: CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) TONY: Well, I don't know what we got, but I'm done. Gibbs? GIBBS: DiNozzo! Hey, you got your knife? TONY: Rule number nine. Never go out... GIBBS: Yeah yeah. Just testing you - seeing if you were paying attention. TONY: What exactly are we looking for here? (GIBBS REMOVES THE BRICK) GIBBS: This right here. Okay, let's bag it. Oh boy, we've got a major problem. TONY: What do you see? GIBBS: A shooter who is highly intelligent and methodical. Out of a thousand bricks in this wall, he only removed the one he needed. (SFX: CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY KATE: Did you have fun last night? TONY: Oh yeah. Got in around four a.m. and filed evidence for another hour. KATE: Really? Was Gibbs with you? TONY: Oh, god! Thanks for reminding me. I'd better call and make sure he's up. GIBBS: Hey, you're late! TONY: And a good morning to you, Sir. GIBBS: Kate, get those files sorted? KATE: Looks like we might have had our Gunny figured wrong. These aren't complaints. They're letters thanking him. He kept in touch with a lot of his recruits even after graduation. The middle ones are mostly bitching and moaning along the lines of last night. And these are the two that stood out. This one sounded the most promising. GIBBS: Ooh, I'll say. This guy is threatening to cut off Alvarez's head. KATE: Yeah. He's dead. Six months ago in Iraq. This one is our best bet. Sergeant Aaron Barnes. He claims that Alvarez told him that if he signed up for a six year hitch, he'd qualify for the Marine Enlisted Commissioning Program. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. RECRUITING STATION - FLASHBACK ALVAREZ: Listen, son. You want to be an officer someday, you've got to show the Marine Corps you're committed. Between you and me? Nothing shows commitment like a six year hitch. Hell, I can even see myself saluting you some day. (END FLASHBACK) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY KATE: It turns out Barnes' high school GPA wasn't high enough to qualify for MECP. And when he found that out, he wanted to break his contract. GIBBS: That's not going to happen. KATE: Yeah. And when that got shot down, he fired off a personal letter to Alvarez, promising to look the Gunny up again when his contract was up. TONY: That's not exactly a death threat. KATE: Well his contract's up this year. But here's the kicker. Two years ago he was selected for sniper school and he was so good that they brought him back as an instructor. He's there now. GIBBS: Let's roll. (GIBBS WALKS O.S.) TONY: Did you have any of that shrimp last night? KATE: How could I? You shoved them all in your mouth. TONY: Consider yourself lucky. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. TARGET RANGE - DAY (SFX: GUNFIRE B.G.) BARNES: Adjust your mil scale. You're shooting up-slope with a variable ten knot wind! Close doesn't count in combat, Corporal. Even a half inch off your mark, the target gets the opportunity to live and return the favor! MARINE: (V.O.) Yes, Sir! GIBBS: Sergeant Barnes?(SFX: GUNFIRE CONTINUES) BARNES: Stand by, gentlemen. GIBBS: Special Agent Gibbs, Todd, DiNozzo, NCIS. BARNES: What can I do for you, Sir? KATE: We want to talk to you about Gunnery Sergeant Freddy Alvarez. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. SNIPER SCHOOL AREA - DAY BARNES: I guess he couldn't get away with it forever. GIBBS: What? BARNES: Promising things he knew he could never deliver on, Sir. GIBBS: The thing is, we're not here to talk about his recruiting methods. KATE: He was killed yesterday. TONY: Shot by a sniper. GIBBS: How many people can make that shot? Six hundred meters. Through glass. Down angle. BARNES: You think it's me. (BARNES UNFOLDS THE LETTER) BARNES: I can't believe he kept this letter. You've got to believe me, Sir. It's not what you think. TONY: It never is. GIBBS: Where were you, Sergeant, yesterday between noon and fourteen hundred? BARNES: Individual PT, Sir. I ran the loop around Lunga Reservoir. KATE: Can anyone corroborate that? BARNES: Corporal Stenson. We work out together every Wednesday. TONY: Where's the Corporal now? BARNES: Running a Land Nav class in the field. I can have him call you when he gets back. GIBBS: I've got a better idea. Why don't you give me his grid coordinate... and a map? MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. COURSE - DAY KATE: Are you sure you know where you're going? GIBBS: I used to do this for a living. TONY: They had maps back then? (MUSIC OVER ACTION/ ALL RUSHING THROUGH THE BRUSH) STENSON: Number one rule if you're lost, you've got to find a mountain and shoot a back azimuth off it. MARINE TWO: Yes, Sir. GIBBS: Corporal Stenson? STENSON: You two work out the next azimuth. I'll be up with you in a minute. GIBBS: Special Agent Gibbs, NCIS. STENSON: What's up, Sir? You and your people working on some land nav? GIBBS: Among other things. Did you PT with Sergeant Barnes yesterday afternoon? STENSON: Yes, Sir, every Wednesday between noon and fourteen hundred. KATE: What'd you do? STENSON: We um... we were running the obstacle course, Ma'am. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY BARNES: Here it is, okay? Gunny Alvarez lied to me. It pissed me off so I wrote him that stupid letter. But joining the Marine Corps is the best thing that ever happened to me. GIBBS: It's sixty eight degrees in here, Sergeant. Are you hot? Or do you always sweat this much? BARNES: I am not a murderer, Sir. GIBBS: You'll excuse me if I don't take your word for it. BARNES: My contract was up the end of this year, Sir. Why would I reenlist for another six years if I hated the Marine Corps? GIBBS: Maybe you just enjoy being a sniper. (INTERCUT RECRUITER SCENE) GIBBS: You get a thrill out of the fact that your target is totally unaware of your presence (INTERCUT RECRUITER SCENE) GIBBS: Their lives in your hands. (INTERCUT RECRUITER SCENE) GIBBS: You choosing the exact moment you plan to end it. (INTERCUT RECRUITER SCENE) GIBBS: Do you think that Alvarez felt those cross hairs lining up on his chest? (INTERCUT RECRUITER SCENE) BARNES: I didn't shoot him, Sir! MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. RECRUITING CENTER - DAY (MUSIC OVER ACTION) (SFX: GUNSHOT) (RECRUITER FALLS ONTO THE DESK) (MUSIC OUT) MUSIC IN: EXT. PARKING AREA - DAY KATE: Next time drive a little faster, Tony. I think my glands still have an ounce of adrenaline left.(CAR DOORS OPEN/CLOSE) TONY: Responsible crime scene investigation demands a timely arrival, Kate. KATE: Yeah, well it'll help if the investigators don't puke all over it. GIBBS: That brings back memories. KATE: Memories of what? GIBBS: Marriage.(CAR DOORS CLOSE) TONY: Second Marine Recruiter was killed while Sergeant Barnes was in custody. Why are we still holding him? GIBBS: He's not telling the truth. I just don't know about what. KATE: Well, he could have a partner. Snipers like to use spotters. GIBBS: Why don't we see if these two shootings are even connected? (SFX: CARS BRAKE TO A STOP OUTSIDE) TONY: Boss, are you expecting company? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. RECRUITING CENTER - DAY GIBBS: The victim was a Marine. That puts it in our jurisdiction, Agent Kramer. KRAMER: Maybe, but the second shooting was in Maryland which puts it across state lines and in ours. GIBBS: According to who? KRAMER: The Director of the FBI. GIBBS: Oh, is he here somewhere? KRAMER: Look, if you pull your people back, I promise you'll get copies of everything we find. GIBBS: And if I don't? KRAMER: Well, I wouldn't worry about that. You'll be receiving a call from your director any minute now. And one more thing, Agent Gibbs. Fornell warned me about you. Do not try and remove the body. TONY: Oh, you're not still using laser. (TO KATE) They're still using laser. KATE: Maybe they didn't get the memo. TONY: You didn't get the memo, did you? D.O.J memorandum. Twelve August. Ballistic laser calibration devices. The health warning... may lead to impotence. Maybe he doesn't have to worry about that anymore. KATE: We can get the trajectory, no problem. TONY: The competition's going to be for the bullet. DUCKY: I don't think the unfortunate Staff Sergeant Allen is going to be of much use there. The bullet passed clean through. GIBBS: Then I suggest we help our good friends, the FBI, find it. Tony, make a hole. TONY: Scalpel. GIBBS: Kate, find the bullet. DUCKY: I know you find the departmental turf wars as tedious as I do. People of serious intent should never allow the frivolous to deter them from the pursuit of justice, should they? Don't you think? TONY: I've got the secondary bullet hole, boss! FREEMAN: All right, we'll take it from here. TONY: Ah, no. I'll wait for my boss. He's the good looking guy with all his hair. GIBBS: Tony. I'll handle this. FREEMAN: You still haven't heard from your director yet? GIBBS: No. Until we do... that bullet in the wall behind us belongs to NCIS. FREEMAN: Well, from where I'm standing you're a little outnumbered. GIBBS: Well, from where I'm standing, I'm not real worried about it. FREEMAN: All right, listen, Gibbs, I don't have time for this bull! Will somebody please give me the damn NCIS director on the phone? GIBBS: Well, that may be a bit of a problem. Thursday's his golf day. FREEMAN: Listen, I am not fooling around anymore, Gibbs. GIBBS: I'm not either. The man has a mean handicap. (SFX: CELL PHONE RINGS) GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yeah. Gibbs. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. RECRUITING CENTER - DAY TONY: (INTO PHONE) Kate's got the bullet, boss. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. RECRUITING CENTER - DAY GIBBS: (INTO PHONE) Yes, Sir. Yes, Sir. It won't happen again, Sir. (TO FREEMAN) It looks like you win this one. Don't get used to it. FREEMAN: Don't take it personally, Gibbs. We all have our orders. GIBBS: Listen, when you see Fornell, you say hi for me. FREEMAN: My pleasure. You have a nice day now. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/GIBBS PICKS UP THE FEATHER) GIBBS: Hathcock. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY KATE: (V.O.) Who's Hathcock? GIBBS: (V.O.) Carlos Hathcock. (ON CAMERA) A Marine sniper legend. Thirty nine confirmed kills in Vietnam. KATE: What's that got to do with pigeon feathers? GIBBS: It's not a pigeon feather. Look. Shaft's too small. KATE: Okay. That white bird feather. TONY: The V.C. nicknamed Hathcock after a small white feather he kept in the band of his hat. KATE: History Channel? TONY: His biography. KATE: You read his biography? TONY: I watched his biography on The Biography Channel. KATE: So do you think it's somehow connected to the shooter? GIBBS: Don't know. If we find another one of these that matches it in Gunnery Sergeant Alvarez's office... TONY: We'll strip search the roaches, boss. (GIBBS/KATE AND TONY CLIMB INTO THE TRUCK) KATE: You realize what this means, if it is some kind of a calling card? GIBBS: `Yeah. It means he likes to meet the recruiter before he kills them. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - DAY ABBY: The second bullet's in way better shape than the first. Some of the rifling patterns are matching up like the Glam Slam Techno Twins. Oh, sorry! Wrong generation. Think the Andrew Sisters. GIBBS: Going back a little far there, Abby. ABBY: So I don't have enough to be a hundred percent certain that it's the same gun, but I am one hundred percent sure it's the same model. GIBBS: You back-track the shooter's location yet? ABBY: It looks like our shooter might be mobile. Following the trajectory in reverse, there isn't a building or a structure that makes any sense as a shooting position. There's only road. GIBBS: The shooter fired from a car? ABBY: Or a truck or a van. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. RECRUITING CENTER KATE: What's up? TONY: This whole sensitivity to women in the workplace thing backfired. KATE: What are you talking about? TONY: I'm talking about how we divide up our tasks. I always get the floor. Up close and personal, floors are scummy. KATE: It's no big deal, Tony. I would have done it. TONY: Hah! But you didn't. KATE: Floors are scummy. TONY: My point exactly. You would never volunteer to take the floor. I would have to suggest it, and I would be met by lots of comments about my chauvinism and insensitivity. KATE: Hah. I don't need a floor for that.(CLOSET DOOR OPENS) TONY: Cute. But my point is in order for me to be P.C., I've got to take the floor.(DOOR CLOSES) KATE: Do you want me to take the floor? TONY: Ah, you're just saying that to humor me. KATE: No, you have a point. And if it bothers you that much, I'll take the floor. I insist. TONY: Thanks. KATE: No problem. (SFX: CLOSET DOOR OPENS) (TONY SHOUTS) (KATE LAUGHS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY BARNES: I've been here for three hours without anybody telling me what's going on. GIBBS: You'll be here another three hours if that's what it takes. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - DAY BARNES: It takes for what, Sir? You said you weren't charging me. GIBBS: Not yet. BARNES: What did Corporal Stenson say when you found him? GIBBS: That you two were P-T-ing yesterday. BARNES: And that's exactly what I told you, Sir. GIBBS: Yeah, you did, Sergeant. Running the Lunga reservoir loop between noon and fourteen hundred. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY GIBBS: (FILTERED) A long route...about nine miles. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. INTERROGATION ROOM BARNES: Yes, Sir. GIBBS: So how come Corporal Stenson doesn't remember making it? You don't have an alibi, Sergeant. Whether you're the shooter or not, you lied during a criminal investigation. Hey, let's discuss those charges. BARNES: Rachel Hauser. GIBBS: What was that? BARNES: Rachel Hauser, Sir. GIBBS: When and where? BARNES: Noon to fourteen hundred. Motel just outside the main gate. GIBBS: Does Rachel Hauser have a phone number?(BARNES WRITES ON THE PAPER) BARNES: Sir, my wife... she doesn't know.(DOOR OPENS) GIBBS: I'm just checking an alibi, Sergeant. The rest is between you and her. (DOOR CLOSES) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. RECRUITING CENTER - DAY TONY: Gunnery Sergeant Alvarez must have recruited the cleaning crew, because they obviously haven't been here in a while. KATE: Maybe it blew away after the first time we swept. A feather is light. A slight breeze could have taken it across the room. TONY: I think I'd have to be a pretty strong breeze. There's no cross-ventilation in here. Ventilation. (MUSIC OVER ACTION/TONY REMOVES THE FEATHER FROM THE VENT) MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. STAIRS - DAY KATE: Are you still thinking this guy is in the military? GIBBS: Something tells me you don't believe it. KATE: It's the profile. This feather is our shooter's calling card. It's like a signature. TONY: But a white feather for all we know could mean he has a Forrest Gump fixation. KATE: Well, it doesn't matter if other people know what the feather means. He knows. I just think this guy is living in a fantasy world, and I can't picture him functioning in some highly organized military environment. TONY: So you think he's ex-military, like the beltway sniper? KATE: Possibly. But why target only Marine recruiters? GIBBS: Because they turned him down. This guy isn't military. He's a wannabe. KATE: Now that fits the profile. TONY: How many people do the Marines turn down every year? GIBBS: Thousands. By the time we get a chance to check them out, this guy's going to shoot again. KATE: If he continues his pattern, we have less than twenty four hours. GIBBS: Maybe it's time we got more pro-active. MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: EXT. RECRUITING CENTER - DAY DOUGHERTY: And our heartfelt prayers and wishes go out to the families of Gunnery Sergeant Alvarez, Staff Sergeant Allen. We are continuing to work with law enforcement to bring the person or persons responsible to justice. REPORTER: Will the Marine Corps suspend recruiting? DOUGHERTY: Never. Marines don't run from danger. This recruitment office will re-open tomorrow morning, manned by one of our finest, Gunnery Sergeant Thomas. REPORTER KENT: How do you feel about being selected for this assignment, Gunnery Sergeant? GIBBS: I wasn't selected, Sir. I volunteered. (MUSIC UP AND OUT) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY GIBBS: Welcome to the Marines, Kate. TONY: Kate's gonna be your C.O.? GIBBS: That's the plan. TONY: I didn't realize Kate knew so much about being a Marine. GIBBS: Kate doesn't know squat about being in the Marines. She doesn't have to. KATE: I won't be interacting with the recruits, Tony. I'll just be there to focus on how they interact with Gibbs. One of them might be our sniper. TONY: You're not the only one around here who knows how to profile. KATE: Maybe. But with that haircut, you wouldn't pass for a ROTC student. GIBBS: The vest is going to hardly even show underneath this. You need your ribbons. What do we hear back from the FBI? TONY: Besides Agent Freeman's extreme dislike for you? Uh... they'll cooperate, but he's not too keen on the visible part. GIBBS: Our shooter isn't a moron. If he doesn't see police and FBI presence in the neighborhood, he's going to think something's wrong. TONY: I have a problem with that part too, Boss. What's the point of setting a trap if he knows about it? KATE: Part of a sniper's mission is to infiltrate enemy territory. Our guy wants to prove himself, validate his skills. He's not going to pass up an opportunity like this. TONY: What if he succeeds? GIBBS: He won't. TONY: Don't take this the wrong way, but... you actually make that look good. KATE: Thanks. Have you tried yours on yet? TONY: Tried what? KATE: Gibbs said you'd be in uniform too. TONY: He did? KATE: Mm-hmm. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. TELEPHONE POLE - DAY TONY: Gibbs gets Dress Blue Charlies. I look like one of The Village People. (BEGIN TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) ABBY: Hah hah. Maybe you can find a local cop and get a dance routine going. (SCENE CUT) (TONY LAUGHS) ABBY: (FILTERED) How are you doing? TONY: I'm hardwiring the main microphone to the D-S-L line. I've already got the other two on a wireless relay. There we go. (SCENE CUT) TONY: (FILTERED) You know if this works, Abs, you're a genius. ABBY: Oh, Tony. Tell me something I don't know. (SCENE CUT) TONY: I once dated my high school music teacher. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: Really? What was his name? (SCENE CUT) TONY: Hah. Cute. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: Okay, all mics are operational. I'm set here. (SCENE CUT) TONY: All right. I'm coming down now. (SCENE CUT) ABBY: You're a macho macho man, Tony. (END TELEPHONE INTERCUTS) (SCENE CUT) INT. RECRUITING CENTER - DAY DOUGHERTY: The new window looks good. GIBBS: Yes, it does. DOUGHERTY: How does it feel to be back in uniform, Gunny? GIBBS: It's a little tighter than I remember. DOUGHERTY: You really think this will work? GIBBS: I don't know. If it doesn't, no sense worrying about it. DOUGHERTY: Spoken like a true Marine. (DOOR OPENS) DOUGHERTY: Good morning, Captain. KATE: Major. Gibbs. I mean, Gunny. GIBBS: Kate, the cover is off inside. KATE: Ah. GIBBS: You're looking good. Ah... these are out of order. KATE: I spent an hour trying to get it right. GIBBS: It's okay. A common newbie mistake. DOUGHERTY: Maybe I should take her place. Your whole plan rests on this guy believing that you're both Marines. GIBBS: We have it under control, Major. She'll do fine. DOUGHERTY: Well then I'll just stay and help out. There's nothing wrong with another set of eyeballs. GIBBS: Not a good idea. The best thing that you can do is leave this to us. DOUGHERTY: I lost two of my men to this psycho. You really think I'm passing up on a chance for payback? GIBBS: Major, your mission is to protect our country. Our mission right now is to protect you and your Marines. Allow us the honor of doing our job. DOUGHERTY: Good luck, Gunnery Sergeant. Captain. (DOOR OPENS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR TONY: (INTO PHONE) Comm check. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. VAN FREEMAN: (INTO RADIO) Loud and clear. Over. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. RECRUITMENT CENTER KATE: Hear you fine, Tony. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB ABBY: Crystal. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. RECRUITING CENTER KATE: Comm's up, Gibbs. GIBBS: Now for the hard part....waiting. KATE: You really think we're going to get any potential recruits today? GIBBS: Yeah. KATE: A man was murdered here three days ago. Who'd choose today to decide to join up? GIBBS: A Marine. KATE: Good point. GIBBS: Get ready to profile. (DOOR OPENS) GIBBS: Can I help you? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR - DAY TONY: What are you doing? Giving away free X-boxes... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. RECRUITING CENTER - DAY TONY: (V.O./FILTERED)... in there? That's the tenth kid this morning. KATE: He's really good at this. I'm even thinking of signing up. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR TONY: What about potential snipers? [SCENE_BREAK] INT. RECRUITING CENTER - DAY KATE: You'll be the first to know. TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) No, Gibbs will. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR - DAY TONY: Just tell me he's still wearing his vest. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. RECRUITING CENTER - DAY KATE: He said it was visible under his shirt. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR - DAY TONY: I knew it. If that sniper doesn't kill him I will. What a stupid idiotic thing. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. RECRUITING CENTER - DAY GIBBS: You realize we have an office in Richmond. Why drive all the way down here to see a recruiter? RECRUIT: Well, I was watching the news and I thought I'd check it out. GIBBS: The sniper doesn't scare you? RECRUIT: Well, I figure he's shooting recruiters, not recruits, right? GIBBS: So you'd drive all the way here to see if I get shot or not? DELIVERY MAN: (V.O.) If I could get a signature. KATE: No problem. DELIVERY MAN: (V.O.) See you later. GIBBS: Good luck to you. RECRUIT: Thanks. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. VAN - DAY FREEMAN: (INTO RADIO) It's four thirty. I think this guy's a no show. The last two attacks were between noon and two. So I say we call it a day, Agent DiNozzo. TONY: (V.O./FILTERED) Negative. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR - DAY TONY: Office isn't supposed to close for another thirty minutes. We close early, it'll look suspicious. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. RECRUITING CENTER - DAY GIBBS: What do you think, Kate? KATE: That you have at least one more day as a human target. (DOOR OPENS) GIBBS: Hello. Gunnery Sergeant Alvin Thomas. How can I help you there, son. YOUNG MAN: Yeah, I don't know. I've been thinking about it a little I guess. You got some pamphlets or something? GIBBS: Right here. The Marines offer a wide variety of choices. What kind of things interest you? Sit down. YOUNG MAN: Not sitting around in an office like this. GIBBS: Can't say that I blame you. Are you interested in something more active? YOUNG MAN: Yeah. GIBBS: You seem like a combat arms kind of guy to me. Artillery? Combat engineers? Infantry? Sniper teams? YOUNG MAN: Yeah. I don't know. Like I said, I'm not really sure. I just... maybe I should come back. GIBBS: I'll be here. (YOUNG MAN WALKS TO THE DOOR) (DOOR OPENS/ CLOSES) KATE: Tony, the kid who just left. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR - DAY KATE: (V.O./FILTERED) Six four, blond hair... [SCENE_BREAK] INT. RECRUITING CENTER KATE: ...black jacket and jeans. Early twenties. We think he might be our man. (INTERCUT FLASH BACK SCENES) GIBBS: He was already here. KATE: Forget the kid, Tony! The sniper is the water delivery guy! I repeat! The sniper is-- (MUSIC OVER ACTION/SNIPER FIRES THE RIFLE) (F/X BULLET TRAVELS SLOW MOTION TO THE CENTER GLASS) [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - DAY ABBY: The mics picked up the shot! (V.O.) I'm triangulating now! Done! He's at the merchant building on the (ON CAMERA) corner of Sixth and K. Tenth floor. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. VAN - DAY FREEMAN: Right there. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. NCIS LAB - DAY ABBY: The building has an alley in the back. It's the most likely exit from where he's positioned. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. CAR - DAY TONY: I'm on it! [SCENE_BREAK] INT. RECRUITING CENTER GIBBS: Go get him, Tony. [SCENE_BREAK] INT. VAN - DAY FREEMAN: We'll take the southern entrance. [SCENE_BREAK] EXT. ALLEY - DAY (SFX: CAR BRAKES TO A STOP) (MUSIC OVER ACTION) TONY: (SHOUTS) Federal Agent, drop the weapon! Drop it! Drop it! (SFX: CAR TIRES SCREECH TO A STOP) TONY: Drop the weapon! (CAR DOORS OPEN/CLOSE) TONY: Hey! (SFX: RAPID GUNFIRE) FREEMAN: Thank you, Agent DiNozzo. We'll take it from here. Back me up. Secure the weapon. (SFX: POLICE RADIOS AND SIRENS B.G.) GIBBS: Hey. TONY: We got our guy. The FBI is taking the credit, of course. GIBBS: Kate, where is your cover? KATE: What? MUSICAL BRIDGE TO: INT. SQUAD ROOM - DAY KATE: Kyle Hendricks. Twenty two. Rejected by Sergeant Gordon Mackenzie, eleven August, two thousand two, at the Rockville recruiting center. Failed the personality profile assessment. Sociopathic tendencies with anti-social behavior. His stated goal for joining the Marine Corps, he wanted to be a Marine sniper. GIBBS: Yeah, well you've got to admit, he was one hell of a marksman. DiNozzo. Captain. TONY: So what was it like? KATE: What like? TONY: Being his superior officer. KATE: You mean, did I get to boss him around? Make him salute me? Call me, Ma'am? TONY: Basically. KATE: It was great! TONY: You're lying. KATE: Am I? Abby said you looked really good in a uniform too. TONY: Did she? KATE: Yeah. She said you'd fit right in with a biker boy, and a Indian chief, a cowboy and all the other macho macho men! (MUSIC OUT) (KATE LAUGHS) (FADE OUT)	Plan: A: an over-embellishing marine recruiter; Q: Who was killed by a highly intelligent and skilled sniper? A: NCIS; Q: What team quickly discovers that a highly intelligent and skilled sniper is behind the attack? A: the attack; Q: What did the NCIS team discover was a highly intelligent and skilled sniper was behind? A: the team; Q: Who realizes that the killer left a "calling card" in the form of a white feather at each scene? A: a grudge; Q: What did the NCIS team believe the sniper had against the recruiter? A: the investigation; Q: What takes on a wider scope when a second attack occurs? A: direct conflict; Q: What does the FBI investigation bring Gibbs into with Fornell? A: Fornell; Q: Who is Gibbs' old friend? A: several dead ends; Q: What did the team hit before they realized the killer left a "calling card"? A: recruiters; Q: Who did the killer target? A: the Corps; Q: What organization did the killer want to get back at? A: his old Marine uniform; Q: What does Gibbs wear to lure out the killer? A: his new "commanding officer; Q: What does Kate become when Gibbs takes over the recruitment office? A: DiNozzo; Q: Who is the FBI team that lies in wait for the killer? A: the FBI team; Q: Who is called in to help with the investigation? Summary: When an over-embellishing marine recruiter is killed, the NCIS team quickly discover that a highly intelligent and skilled sniper was behind the attack. Initially, the team believes the sniper had a grudge against the recruiter, but when a second attack occurs the investigation takes on a wider scope and as a result, the FBI are called in, bringing Gibbs into direct conflict with his old friend Fornell. After hitting several dead ends, the team realize that the killer had left a "calling card" in the form of a white feather at each scene and was most likely targeting recruiters in revenge for being rejected by the Corps. Hoping to lure out the killer, Gibbs dons his old Marine uniform and takes over the recruitment office with Kate as his new "commanding officer", while DiNozzo and the FBI team lie in wait.
[Scene: Outside the Ski Resort. Jack and Jen are walking up to the bus talking to each other while Mr. Kasdan is taking role of the people getting on the bus.] Jack: So we're, uh, we're ok with everything? Jen: Totally and completely. Jack: Awesome. Jen: Heh. But, what if we had gone through with it? What--what if I hadn't put a stop to our ill-conceived fumblings? What--what if I had gotten pregnant, we had to drop out of school senior year to raise our illegitimate love child? Jack: Well, uh, then there would come a day where we'd have to sit down and explain to our said love child that, uh, mommy and daddy can't have sx unless daddy's thinking about Ryan Philippe. Jen: Hey, I mean, don't think I wouldn't be thinking about him, too. [Jack and Jen put their bags in the bus and get ready to board the bus.] Kasdan: Jennifer Lindley. Are there any other delinquent acts you care to commit before we embark on our journey home? Jen: No, sir. No. So, uh, what's it gonna be? My punishment. Kasdan: Punishment is the wrong word, miss Lindley. What I have in mind for you may just be the chicken soup your soul has been so obviously crying out for. Jen: But, sir, I mean, they're only-- they're only like airplane[Jack grabs her arm and pulls her onto the bus] what?! [Drue comes walking up to the bus.] Kasdan: Kudos are in order, Mr. Valentine. Your tardy arrival has now put us off schedule entirely. Just exactly what part of "we leave at 6:30 A.M. Sharp" were you not listening to? Drue: That's great... Yeah. But, uh, before we continue this discussion, could we stop at a Starbucks please? Kasdan: Get on the bus, punk. And where are Joey potter and Pacey Witter? Probably off somewhere sucking face. Drue: Yeah, tell me about it. Kasdan: Yes, and now I have to go look for them, which is not on the schedule. [Drue looks to one of the windows and sees 2 people kissing on the bus.] Drue: Mr. Kasdan... Kasdan: Yes? [Drue points to the 2 people.] Drue: Looks like you were right. Kasdan: [Groans] Drue: it's disgusting, isn't it? [They board the bus and the 2 people pull apart and we see that it isn't actually Joey and Pacey.] [Scene: Joey wakes up wrapped in Pacey's arms and she rolls her head over to look at Pacey and he simply smiles at her and she return the smile. Scene fades to black.] [Opening Credits] About Last Night [Scene: At the Ski Resort. Pacey and Joey are standing in front of some vending machines and Pacey hands Joey a dollar for the machine.] Joey: I was thinking more along the lines of something that required silverware, pace. Pacey: Hey, bus tickets cost money, woman, and you had me pay for that impromptu call to Gretchen, so how does coffee and crackers sound? Joey: Lovely. Pacey: So... You tell Bessie? Joey: Tell Bessie what? Pacey: Does the word "duh" mean anything to you? About last night. Joey: What exactly was I supposed to say, pace? And if you say that I'm a woman now, I will projectile vomit on you. Pacey: Ok, fine. What about Gretchen? Joey: [Laughs] yeah. Uh, hey, Gretchen, sorry we missed the bus back. By the way, your brother deflowered me last night. Gotta go. I mean, do I really strike you as the type of person who enjoys discussing my boyfriend's sexual prowess with his siblings? Pacey: Ok, point taken, but... Let me just pose this hypothetical. Let's say that you were the type of person that enjoyed discussing your boyfriend's sexual prowess. What do you think you might say? Joey: About what? About the prowess? Pacey: Yeah. About the prowess. Joey: You know, just when I think you're the antithesis of the typical male, there you are, dragging your knuckles with the rest of the primates. Pacey: Well, you should never underestimate a primate's desire to hear about his abilities in the sack. Pop tart? [Scene: The Newsstand at the bus stop. Joey is reading a magazine when Pacey comes up to her holding his two hands in fists out in front of him.] Pacey: Pick one. [She picks his right hand, and he opens it and points to the other hand] Pacey: Pick the other one. [he opens his other hand and has some chocolate hearts in it.] Pacey: I know it's not the most equal of exchanges. You know, virginity for chocolate hearts, but I thought I should get you something. Just to commemorate the event. Joey: Wow, if I had known there were prizes involved, I would've asked for a car. I mean, nothing too expensive, just, you know, something to tool around in. Pacey: How about the Witter Wagoneer? Joey: The Witter Wagoneer? Do I look like some two-bit floozy to you? Pacey: No, you don't. Joey: No? Pacey: No. To tell you the truth, I don't think you've ever looked more beautiful. Joey: You're easy, 'cause I didn't even get a chance to shower this morning. [She kisses him] Pacey: Whoa, apparently you didn't get a chance to brush your teeth, either. Joey: This from the "morning breath" monster himself. Pacey: Oh, man, I could do this. Joey: What? Pacey: This-- the back and forth, the sweetness and the sarcasm. I could do this for the rest of my life, you know? With you as my partner in irreverence. Joey: Well, have you ever stopped to think that maybe you're just the first of many, pace? Pacey: Oh. Well, in that case, I guess I just have to be satisfied with being the Neil Armstrong of the bunch. [Scene: A couch at the Ski Resort. Pacey and Joey are sitting on the couch and look over to see a young couple passionately kissing each other, and look back to each other and smile.] Pacey: So, typically when couples engage in the sort of activity that we engaged in last night, there is some sort of morning-after discussion. Joey: About what? Pacey: Well, it's a bit like a post-game wrap-up. Joey: I see. You want to know if you were any good. Pacey: Well, I'd really rather know if it was good for you. Joey: Of course. You being Pacey Witter, friend to women and all. Pacey: Precisely. Joey: It was very nice. Pacey: Nice? Joey: Yes. Pacey: [Clears throat] just "nice," huh? Joey: What's wrong with "nice?" Pacey: There's nothing wrong with "nice." I mean, there's nothing wrong with "great," either. Hell, there's nothing particularly offensive with "mind-blowing" or "transcendent." Joey: Sorry, pace, I left my thesaurus at home. I didn't know I was going to get yelled at for my vocabulary. Pacey: I'm not too worried about your vocabulary. Joey: You know, maybe "nice" means everything to me, Pacey. Maybe "nice" is all a girl can manage the morning after her first time, because, as you know, it's not something I've ever experienced before. So I can't really sit here and honestly say that something is "great" or "mind-blowing" or "transcendent" if I have nothing to compare it to. Pacey: Because there are certain... Benchmarks in the sexual experience. Joey: What do you mean? Pacey: There are certain things that happen or don't happen over the course of the evening that Joey: Are you asking me if I Pacey: Yes! Joey: Can we please not talk about that? Pacey: Why? Joey: Because it's not important. Pacey: Ok, it might not be important to you, but it's really important to me. Joey: This isn't all about you, you know. You think you're feeling insecure?! Do you have any idea what it's like to be me this morning? Pacey: I don't understand. Joey: Of course you don't. Pacey: Well, maybe you'd like to enlighten me, then. Joey: Did you ever stop and think that maybe I might be wondering how I measure up? How I fit into the picture that includes not only one but 2 prior sexual relationships, both of which meant a great deal to you? Pacey: I didn't even know girls thought like that. Joey: Does the word "duh" mean anything? Pacey: Jo, you were great. Joey: Great? Pacey: Yes, great. Which is a hell of a lot better than "nice," let me tell you. Joey: And completely beside the point. Pacey: Jo, you were great. You were fantastic. You were every glowing adjective under the sun. I want to run out and tell the entire world what I did last night and who I did it with. Joey: You're not really planning on doing that, are you? Pacey: Well, no, but Joey: Good. Pacey: Why is that good? Joey: Because it's private, and I really want to keep it that way. I really don't want the whole world to know about our sx life. Pacey: Mmm. I think I get it. By "the whole world," what you really mean is Dawson. Joey: Why does it have to be about that? Why can't it just be the fact that I don't want to hurt him any more than I already have? Pacey: I don't want to hurt him, either. Ok? I don't. But I do want to be able to have sx with my girlfriend, whom I adore, without having to worry about the soap operatic repercussions of him finding out. Let me ask you one question, Jo. What would you say to him? You know, if he were here right now and he asked you, what would you tell him? Joey: Well, I would have to tell him the truth. Pacey: And you'd do that? Joey: Yes. Absolutely. [There is a big pause] Pacey: Wanna know something funny? You haven't touched me. Joey: What? Pacey: You haven't touched me all morning. And here I was thinking that sx brought people closer together. [Joey gets up and leaves, as the couple who were kissing watch her go and then look back and give Pacey a dirty look.] [Scene: Outside the Ski Resort. Joey is sitting on the deck with tears in her eyes when Pacey comes out and sits down next to her.] Joey: You wanna know why it was so nice, Pacey? You probably don't even remember, but... There was this thing. There you were, above me, and you--you brushed my hair over my forehead... And it felt really nice. Made me feel safe. Like no matter what, you were gonna be there and you were gonna protect me. Years from now, when I look back, I'm really not gonna remember the clumsy positioning or the morning-after awkwardness or whether or not the experience itself met the textbook definition of great sx. I'm gonna remember how sweet you were. How you took me to this brand new place. Pace, I'm glad I had sx. And I'm really glad that I had sx with you. But now, I really just kinda wanna go home. So we can do it again. [SCENE_BREAK] The Big Picture [Scene: Mr. Brooks' house. Dawson and Gretchen pull up the to house in Gretchen's car, while Dawson is driving. Gretchen looks over to Dawson and gives him a kiss.] Gretchen: It's gonna get better. I promise. So, what does grams want, anyway? Dawson: I don't know. She told me to meet her here after the funeral. She said she'd be in the garage. [They get out of the car and go into the garage to find Grams there holding a gun.] Grams: Heh. Prop from one of Arthur's pictures. Maybe I could use this to keep my granddaughter in line. Dawson: I had no idea he kept all this stuff. Grams: Oh, he collected all this over the years. Sought it out, piece by piece. You know, no matter what he might have said, Arthur was fiercely proud of what he accomplished in his career. It was a lovely service, wasn't it? Dawson: Yeah, quite a turn-out, too. Gretchen: It was a lovely service, Mrs. Ryan. How can we help? Grams: Arthur mentioned he didn't want this stuff just collecting dust. I thought we might donate it somewhere. If you have any suggestions, Dawson... Dawson: What's the point? Nobody knows he existed. Grams: Well, maybe there's something here you would like, something to remember him by. [Dawson storms out of the garage and Gretchen is about to follow after him, when Grams stops her.] Grams: No, l-let me. [Scene: Outside the Garage. Grams comes out to join Dawson who is just looking out into the horizon.] Grams: I'm sorry, Dawson. I know this can't be easy for you. Dawson: Oh, it's not, but that doesn't give me any right to be rude. I'm sorry. I apologize. Grams: Oh, there's no need. Everyone deals with death in his own way. Some cry, some pray, some get angry at the world. There is no right or wrong. Dawson: Why would you want to be here today? It's completely morbid. Why would anybody want to subject themselves to this? Grams: Dawson, you and I have lost a very dear friend, and the pain of that loss isn't going to just disappear any time soon. It will pass, slowly, at its own pace, and there's precious little you or I can do about it. You know, if there's anything I've learned at my somewhat advanced age, it's the importance of closure in the grieving process. Dawson: I don't think it's the lack of closure that's bothering me. Grams: Hmm...What is it, then? Dawson: I don't know. Grams: Maybe you should spend some time with him, with his space, with his things... Find a way to say good-bye. Maybe that will help you figure things out. [Grams leaves and Dawson goes back towards the garage.] [Scene: Inside the Garage. Gretchen is going through a box and pulls out a script inside and waves over to Dawson to join her.] Gretchen: Look what I found. Dawson: Delia and George by Arthur brooks? This looks like a screenplay. No, it's not. It's a play, actually. It says 1949. He was my age when he wrote this. [She looks over his shoulder and reads from the script.] Gretchen: "I'm hopping mad at you, George." Come on. It'll be fun. Dawson: "Whatever for, dear?" Gretchen: "Because I find you to be a rather irritating fellow." Dawson: "Well, is there anything I can do to make it better?" Gretchen: "You might go jump in that lake over there." Dawson: "But that would ruin my suit." Gretchen: "Which would be a fitting punishment." Dawson: "For loving a skirt like you?" Gretchen: "Funny, I thought I was a dame." Dawson: "No, my dear, you're a skirt. Most definitely a skirt." [Gretchen places her hands on either side of Dawson's face and plants a huge kiss on him.] Gretchen: Sorry. It was in the script. Dawson: Damn. I thought you were improvising. Gretchen: That was sweet. Brooks was sweet. Dawson: Yeah. Yeah, he was. Once upon a time, before he gave up. 5 people showed up at his funeral. 5--you, me, my parents, and grams, which means that 3 of the people barely knew him. I mean, just think if I hadn't crashed his boat, nobody would have shown up. I'm sorry, I find that...Pathetic. Gretchen: I don't think Mr. Brooks needs your pity, Dawson. I mean, this is a guy who saw his wildest dreams come true. That's a hell of a lot more than most of us get. Dawson: Yeah, and this what he has to show for it? Gretchen: What do you mean? Dawson: Look around you. This is it. This--this--I mean, this is an entire life. It all comes down to this. Stuff. Stuff! A garage full of stuff. Gretchen: Now you're starting to sound like him. Dawson: Yeah, which is exactly what scares me, because at some point he just decided it was easier to stop caring. And he did, and by the time he woke up, it was too late. What's to prevent any of us from ending up like that? Gretchen: That's not you, Dawson. That would never be you. Dawson: You don't know that. I mean, h-how can you be sure? I mean, I lost the girl just like he did. Gretchen: Yeah, and you picked yourself up, you dusted yourself off, and you took a chance. Look, so what if he screwed up, you know? So what if he was a coward for more years than he was a hero? In the end, he got it right. Do you know when I realized that my feelings for you were more than platonic? It was that stupid movie. Dawson: What movie? Gretchen: The one we watched in your room that night. Dawson: Turn away, my sweet. Gretchen: Watching you watch that movie, seeing you come alive in a way I've never seen you before. I mean, in that moment I just knew I wanted to be a part of your life in this bigger and better way. And in some weird way, Dawson, Mr. Brooks brought us together. [Dawson just stares at her for a minute.] Dawson: I like you. Gretchen: Oh, god. Why? Dawson: Because you're smart and you're funny and you always know what to say to make me feel better. You're beautiful. You're beautiful in a way that makes me remember those old-time movie stars. You know, like the ones in brooks' movies? You know, all style and grace. Plus, you smell good. Gretchen: I do? Dawson: Yeah, not like in a perfumey way, but in a really "pretty girl" kind of way. Gretchen: You have no idea what you're doing, do you? Dawson: No... Gretchen: Good. Keep it that way. 'Cause the second you become aware of just how charming you are, you're gonna use your powers for evil. Dawson: Gretchen, would you-- would you mind terribly Gretchen: you wanna be alone. Dawson: How'd you know? Gretchen: 'Cause I'm an awesome girlfriend. Dawson: Make that an awesome skirt. Gretchen: I like that. [She gives him a kiss] Gretchen: I'll be outside. Dawson: Ok. Gretchen: Just do me a favor. Dawson: What? Gretchen: When you remember brooks, remember that great big thumping heart of his. Remember how sweet he was to grams. Remember how, when he saw us under the mistletoe, he told you to "quit flirting and kiss her already." Remember that guy, Dawson. [Gretchen leaves, and Dawson begins to go through some of the stuff, heading to the upstairs of the garage and finds a box of poster. He pulls one of the posters out and opens it to see it is a movie poster for Turn Away, My Sweet. He is looking fondly at it when a voice startles him. ] Man: Dawson? Dawson leery? [Dawson looks down to see a man there holding a brief case.] Dawson: Uh, can I help you? Man: Oh, I'm sorry to bother you, but the young lady outside told me I could find you in here. I'm Patrick Felker. I'm handling the Arthur brooks estate. Dawson: Oh. Uh... Nice to meet you. Man: My pleasure. Um, I was hoping that you'd come by my office this afternoon. Dawson: What for? Man: It's regarding Mr. Brooks' will. Dawson: His will? What does that have to do with me? Man: Well, I'll tell you what. Why don't you drop by and we'll talk. Dawson: Ok. Man: So, who was this guy, anyway? Dawson: What do you mean? Man: I don't know, um... Was he some kind of movie star or something? Dawson: No, he was a, uh...He was a pain in the ass. He was a grumpy, misanthropic, smarter-than-thou pain in the ass. Barely a kind word for anybody who ever crossed his path. But, uh, he was A... He was a friend of mine, and I'm gonna miss him. Man: Yeah, well... This afternoon, then. Dawson: Ok. [SCENE_BREAK] Excess Baggage [Scene: A profession office building. Jen walks into the building and gets inside and walks up to a closed door. She sees a buzzer on the shelf next to the door and buzzes it, when there is no answer she buzzes it again and again. Suddenly the door opens and bumps into her.] Jen: Oh! Ooh. Hi. Tom: Jennifer? Jen: Yes. Jen. Tom: Tom frost. Nice to meet you. Jen: Oh. Yeah. Tom: I apologize for the mess. [The place is spotless] Jen: Yeah, you might want to work on it. Tom: Have a seat. [Jen looks around at all the chairs and simply shrugs her shoulders.] I take it you've never been in therapy. Jen: Mm-hmm, you take it right. Which is actually quite surprising, given my sordid history and all, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. [Jen goes to sit down but suddenly jumps up.] Oh, this is weird. Ha ha ha. [She begins pacing around the room.] Jen: [Sighs] Tom: so how are you today? Jen: Fine. Anything else you'd like to know? Tom: Why don't we talk about why you're here? Jen: Ha! Do we have to? Tom: Why do you think you need to be here? Jen: Actually I don't think I need to be here. Tom: Then why are you? Jen: Come on. I'm sure that they told you. Tom: Well, from what I understand, there have been some disciplinary issues. Jen: Mmm. All right. See, I was on this ski trip, and a teacher caught me throwing away empty liquor bottles. Tom: So you were drinking? Jen: Yeah. Is that bad? Tom: Depends why you were doing it. Jen: See, here's the thing. I had just been through this really big ordeal with my best friend jack. We'd almost slept together, but I had the presence of mind to put the kibosh on it, which is good, 'cause he's a homo-- he's a homosexual, which is... Ha ha ha. That's not healthy-- not the homsex-- not him being a homosexual, but sleeping with a homosexual-- I keep saying homosexual. I sound like my grandmother. Gay. Gay. Gay. You could be gay. Are you gay? Tom: Is that important to you? Jen: Ha. Just making conversation. Tom: Back to the drinking. Why do you think you drink? Jen: Well, I don't usually. Tom: But you do sometimes? Jen: Yeah, sure, sometimes. Not like I'm an alcoholic. Tom: But you like to drink? Jen: Yeah, who doesn't? [Tom starts to take a note down.] Ok, what are you writing? Tom: I'm taking notes. Jen: Oh. Do I get a copy? Tom: No. Jen: So how long do these things go for? Tom: 50 minutes. Jen: 50 minutes, give or take? Tom: No, 50 minutes precisely. Jen: What happens if we dig up some real juicy stuff? Tom: That's what next week is for. Jen: Excuse me, but that seems kind of cold. I wonder what it is you do with those extra 10 minutes. Tom: I take a break, rest up for the next patient. Jen: Wait a minute. You rest? Well, excuse me, but you don't seem to be exerting yourself that much. Where'd you go to school? Tom: Why is that important to you? Jen: Well, it's not. Really, actually, it's not really important to me at all. I'm just curious. High school senior. College on the brain. You don't want to answer... It's fine with me. [She looks over and sees his diploma on the wall.] Ooh, Boston! You know, I think that's kind of crooked. Why don't I fix it for you? I don't want you breakin' out in no rash. [She goes to adjust the picture and it begins to fall.] Jen: Oh, my god! Oh, shoot! [Crash] oh, my god, I'm so sorry. Tom: It's ok. It's ok, Jennifer. I'll take care of it later. Please, leave it. Jen: Really, I really apologize. Tom: Leave it. [He stops Jen from cleaning up the mess.] Jen: You know, you're-- you're a lot younger than I thought you would be. How--how old are you? Ugh! I know. Why is it important to me? Forget I asked. Tom: Why don't we talk about your parents? Jen: Oh, yeah, um... Well, I was a bit of a wild child, so my parents, they shipped me off to live with my grandmother. Tom: How's that been for you? Jen: Fine. Fine, but crappy. Ha ha ha. But I'm over it, honestly. I've dealt with this stuff, and so my parents are less than perfect. What am I going to do? I've got my grandmother and my friends. They help me through all the rough spots. Hmm. You know what? I'm going to be perfectly honest with you. I don't think that I'm the kind of person that benefits from therapy. I feel as though I'm relatively self-aware. Tom: Yes, well, teenagers often confuse knowledge with wisdom. Jen: Ha. Well, what's that supposed to mean? Tom: What do you think it means? Jen: I think it means that you think I'm stupid. Tom: Is that what you heard me say? Jen: Yeah, pretty much. Tom: Well, I'm sorry if you feel like I've offended you. Jen: Whatever. [Tom looks from his note pad up to the clock and back down again.] Jen: Busted. Tom: Excuse me? Jen: I just saw you look at the clock. Am I boring you? Tom: Of course not. Jen: Oh, 'cause if I'm boring you, you should really let me know. [Sighs] you know what? This is not going to work. This is not going to work out. Tom: What do you mean? Jen: I mean that we're not a very good match for each other. You're not a very warm person. Tom: Is that the kind of relationship you expect from your therapist? Jen: Well, I don't know if you've noticed or not, but what we're trying to do here is based around talking, and--and you're not very easy to talk to. Tom: Well, perhaps that's something we need to work on. Jen: No, perhaps that's something that you should work on. Tom: Perhaps. Jen: Uh--well--wow! A victory! Tom: Is that important to you? To win? Jen: I knew that was coming. Tom: You didn't answer my question. Jen: Well, because there's just another, more irritating one looming on the horizon. [Tom goes over to his desk and sits down.] Tom: You should go. Jen: And I'd like to, but I can't. Tom: Of course, you can. I'll tell your school that you fulfilled the requirement. Jen: Really? You're-- you're going to do that? Tom: Absolutely. Jen: All right then. [She grabs her bag and coat.] Tom: It was good to meet you, Jennifer. Jen: Nice meeting you, too. [She goes and opens the door to leave, and stops before going through the door.] Jen: Ok, I'm just going to ask. Ha. Am I totally screwed up? Tom: It's probably too early for me to guess. Jen: Take care. Tom: But were I to hazard one, I'd say that the smart, sarcastic exterior masks a scared, lonely young woman who's relationship with her parents has scarred her in ways she hasn't even begun to process. She has a hard time trusting people-- men, especially, and who can blame her? When parental ties are severed early on like that, it can send a young person searching for love and acceptance in a variety of destructive ways, which may explain your relationship with drugs, alcohol, and a best friend whose sexuality prevents him from ever fully returning your affections. But all that is really just dime store psychobabble. Truth is, we don't really know why you're here yet. But I would love to help you find out. [She closes the door again and comes back into the room.] Jen: You got me for the hour. I'm not promising anything. [She sits down in the chair.] And don't think I didn't catch that whole none-too-subtle reverse psychology thing you just pulled. Tom: Why don't we start with your friends? Jen: Ok. Friends. Um... Well, I guess it really just started about 2 years ago. Um, it was the day before my first day of my sophomore year, and I'd just moved from New York City and, um... I don't know, I got out of the cabin and there they were. They were right in the middle of making this movie. This costume had things on it and Dawson, I had the biggest crush on the guy, like... [SCENE_BREAK] Seems Like Old Times [Scene: Outside the movie house. Dawson is waiting to get into the movie, when Joey comes walking by.] Joey: Dawson? Dawson: Joey. Joey: What are you doing here? Dawson: Uh, I just kind of felt like getting lost in a crowd, I guess. What about you? Joey: I guess I had the same impulse. Look, I'm so sorry about everything. Dawson: Yeah, thanks. These past few days have sucked in ways I didn't know were possible. But, hey, how was the ski trip? Joey: Oh, uh, you know, it was fine. Dawson: Did I miss anything exciting? Joey: Uh... Jen bruised her foot. Dawson: Ah, well, as brooks was fond of saying, "I'll alert the media." You and Pacey have fun? Joey: Yeah. Like I said, you know, everything was fine. Dawson: Good. Joey: Mm-hmm. Dawson: Good. Um... Shall we? Joey: Dawson? Dawson: Yeah? What? Joey: Never mind. Dawson: No. What were you going to say? Joey: Would you rather maybe go someplace and talk? Dawson: Yeah. I would like that. Joey: Me, too. [Scene: At a local diner. Joey and Dawson are sitting across from each other at one of the booths talking.] Dawson: Can I tell you something? It's not exactly a secret, but I haven't told anybody yet. Joey: Of course. Dawson: Mr. Brooks put me in his will. Joey: Really? Dawson: Mm-hmm. Joey: Does that mean Dawson: That he left me money? Yeah. Joey: You're kidding me. Dawson: I could not be kidding you less. Joey: What are you gonna do with it? Dawson: Apparently, I have to do something great with it. The proviso in his will reads, and I quote, "Mr. Leery, this is the money "with which one achieves greatness, "so don't go blowing it on women and booze. "But should that be your choice, make sure it's great women and great booze." Joey: Well, no pressure there. Dawson: I guess I could... Pay my entire college tuition. Joey: You could make a movie. Dawson: Yeah, I could. Wow. It feels weird thinking about how I'd spend it, though. It'd be one thing if I'd won the lottery. This is... Joey: I understand. [Dawson just is staring at her smiling.] What? Dawson: You seem different. Joey: I do? Dawson: Yeah. You look different, too. Is it your hair or something? Joey: No. Dawson: No. It's not bad different. It's good different. It's just...I don't know. [Joey just smiles awkwardly and turns to look out the window for a second.] Joey: You wanna get out of here? Dawson: Sure. [Scene: The swing sets where Dawson and Joey had their second kiss. Joey and Dawson are sitting in the swings talking to each other.] Joey: The last time we were here... Dawson: Was a very different time. Joey: And to think we thought things were complicated then. Dawson: [Laughs] Oh, boy. Little did we know, huh? Joey: Dawson, I'm really sorry. Dawson: Jo, it's ok. I've... I've dealt with it from every conceivable angle. Joey: No. Not about that. Um... I should've been there for you this weekend. Dawson: It's ok. Please, don't worry about it. Really. Joey: Dawson. You've been in hell the last 3 days, and I should have been there giving you everything that you've given me. Where was I? It's just, uh... I've made some... Some big choices and some big decisions, and sometimes I feel like I'm gonna wake up one day and realize that all there ever really was was friendship. And if I wasn't any good at that, then...Where does that leave me? Dawson: Jo, you're not a bad friend. I don't get to say it much anymore, but... You're my best friend. You always were. No matter where you are, no matter where your life may take you, and no matter who you're with... Joey: You'll always have a piece of my heart. Dawson: Something like that. Joey: Yeah. Doesn't have to be a huge piece. Dawson: No, no, no, no. Not a huge piece. Just enough. You know, tiny piece. [Scene: Several scenes of Joey and Dawson walking with each other sharing some fun moments together. They walk around a corner to run into a lady walking several dogs on leashes and one them come loose.] Dawson: Oh. You lost one of your dogs. Hold on. Excuse me. Excuse me. Miss. [Joey picks up the dog and brings it to the lady.] Dawson: Wasn't that funny? [They come walking out of a coffee house, and Dawson takes a drink of his coffee and pulls it from his face.] Dawson: Joey, this is your coffee. More sugar, with a little bit of coffee mixed in. [Back to the movie house. It is closing up for the night and the light go out. Dawson turns back to Joey.] Dawson: Well, I, uh... I guess this is good night. It may sound silly, but... Thank you for a lovely night. Joey: Yeah. We'll have to do it again sometime. Dawson: Yeah. Joey: Good night. Dawson: Good night, Jo. Joey: Dawson Dawson: Joeyyou first. Joey: No. You first. Dawson: [Sighs] did something happen on the ski trip? Joey: What do you mean? Dawson: Well, I have this feeling-- kind of unshakable feeling-- that, uh, something happened. It's just a feeling. And you don't have to answer me if you don't want to, but... Joey: What are you asking me? Dawson: I'm asking you if you slept with Pacey. Joey: It's kind of personal, don't you think? Dawson: I think it's really personal. Joey: I mean, what if... What if I was to stand here and ask you if you've slept with Gretchen. Dawson: The answer would be no. But you're right. It's very personal and it's none of my business and I apologize. I'm sorry. Ok. I, uh... You know, Jo, I guess I just-- I want you to know that I'm not holding you to anything that we might have said in the past. Ok? I mean... I want you to live your life and be happy and enjoy everything that goes along with that. And--and... I know that sometimes you make a promise and you mean it at the time, but then life gets in the way and it makes it impossible to keep. Joey: A couple of years ago, if someone were to tell me that we'd be standing here having this conversation, I would have referred them to the nearest asylum. But things aren't exactly turning out the way that I necessarily thought they would. A couple of years ago, if you would've asked me who the first person I was going to have sx with was, I would've answered unequivocally... Dawson leery, that's who. And the possibility of sleeping with anybody else never even occurred to me. Especially not Pacey. Dawson: So what are you saying, Jo? Joey: No. I have not slept with Pacey. Dawson: You-- oh. Uh... Oh. I'm sorry. That was a sigh of relief you just heard. I... Um... Joey: Ah, well, good night. Dawson: Good night, Jo. [She walks away and Dawson watches her go with a relieved look on his face.]	Plan: A: the tensions; Q: What do Joey and Pacey have to deal with while they wait for the next bus? A: their relationship; Q: What is the latest development in? A: punishment; Q: What does Mr. Kasdan send Jen to a psychologist for? A: the class ski trip; Q: What trip did Jen break into the hotel mini-bar during? A: Mr. Kasdan; Q: Who decides to send Jen to a psychologist? A: a psychologist; Q: Where does Mr. Kasdan send Jen to discuss her issues? A: paths; Q: What do Joey and Dawson's collide in Capeside? A: an evening; Q: How long do Joey and Dawson spend catching up on the past weekend? A: a change; Q: What does Dawson sense in Joey? A: relief; Q: What does Dawson express when Joey tells him she hasn't slept with Pacey? A: terms; Q: What does Dawson come to with Brooks' death? A: Brooks; Q: Whose will does Dawson discover? Summary: The morning after, Joey and Pacey discover they have overslept and missed the bus back to Capeside. While they wait for the next one, the couple find themselves confronted with the tensions that accompany the latest development in their relationship. Meanwhile, as punishment for breaking into her hotel mini-bar during the class ski trip, Mr. Kasdan decides to send Jen to a psychologist where she can discuss her issues. Back in Capeside, Joey and Dawson's paths collide and they spend an evening catching up on the past weekend and its many happenings. Sensing a change in Joey, Dawson poses an intrusive question, once again asking Joey if she has slept with Pacey. She lies and tells him she hasn't, feeling bad when Dawson expresses relief. Dawson comes to terms with the death of Brooks and is surprised to discover he has been named in his will.

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