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3,400 | it would be really hard to be a straight male yoga instructor and not have a permanent boner. | {
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3,401 | Too bad they don't fire people for putting too much lettuce.\n\nedit: Sweet lettuce I hit the hive mind. | {
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3,402 | Maybe he was big on Feng Shui. | {
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3,403 | I identify sexually as an apache attack helicopter. | {
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3,404 | Ahaha... I can just see you telling everyone you know tonight "I corrected the president on his grammar today." | {
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3,405 | That last line is fucking legit. | {
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3,406 | I bet op feels like a dumbass now | {
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3,407 | That's the only thing about being a slave. | {
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3,408 | OP: So doc, where do I put my pants?\n\nDoc: Right over there next to mine.\n\n\nEdit: There be gold in them hills! Thanks kind stranger! | {
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3,409 | So what have you done with the other 98 condoms? | {
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3,410 | I had a really similar thing happen with Rock Band.\n\nI play guitar and sing at the same time (GO ME!)\n\nApparently, if you use the guitar controller as your primary Xbox login, it treats the microphone as a standard headset.\n\nFolks online could hear every note I was singing, and every note I was missing.\n\nNo one told me for months, until some pick-up drummer screams "WE CAN HEAR YOU ASSHOLE!"\n\nTo be fair, I was singing the Beastie Boys' "Sabotage" in a death metal voice. | {
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3,411 | Despite your warning I feel the need to try this now. | {
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3,412 | I haven't had a lot of that, but probably Ms. USA Carrie Prejean. She said I was inappropriate and pulled off her microphone. I asked her why she agreed to settle her lawsuit and I guess she didn't like that. It still boggles my mind why she would consider such a basic question inappropriate. I still think it was relevant and a good question. | {
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3,413 | One time I had just finished making chocolate milk and was still standing in the kitchen when I started to wonder what time it was.\n\nInstead of glancing at the microwave less than a foot from me, I decided to check my watch, and proceeded to just dump all of my chocolate milk.\n\nI've never worn a wristwatch in my life. I don't know why I thought I had one on. | {
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3,414 | weird, I taste semen. | {
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3,415 | That's because white men can't jump. | {
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3,416 | "Given enough time, hydrogen starts to wonder where it came from, and where it is going."\n\n-Hydrogen | {
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3,417 | But without having to move your hands | {
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3,418 | bullshit. There is no way an adult would actually believe that there is a toilet smasher running around committing breaking and entering just to smash a toilet. | {
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3,419 | It isn't all about the pictures. The main goal for the terrorists is to divide muslims and non-muslims in Europe so the muslims will feel more alienated here and are attracted to the fight in Syria and Iraq. More people for them to fight the jihad. \n\n(Spread hatred and create a following, like /u/slonghair_dontcare below says.) | {
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3,420 | Breaking News: Elderly couple found dead, VHS tape archive missing, Lemon Stealing Whore suspected | {
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3,421 | You mean the Master of Mesopotamia | {
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3,422 | The other companies "almost" tried landing | {
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3,423 | This is what I do. Not a good paying job, but it feels good to help these people, even if they don't realize that you're helping them. It does make me want to never end up like them.\n\nEdit: I got gold. DOUBLE Gold! Thank you, anonymous magicians of glory. And thank you to everyone for your wonderful replies. | {
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3,424 | Did you know photons have mass??\n\nI didn't even know they were Catholic. | {
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3,425 | What the hell are you talking about? | {
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3,426 | Havent you heard of premature-ejacucannon? | {
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3,427 | Damn son I hope you went to business school | {
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3,428 | And it becomes yellow when we pee it out | {
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3,429 | Well technically it would cure your AIDS. Unfortunately it would also cure you of life.\n | {
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3,430 | Dude, you better have bought that guy so many rounds. Jesus christ, that's the most bromantic thing I've ever heard. | {
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3,431 | Well... I should have prepared for this thread. | {
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3,432 | This is Jordan Schlansky, one of Conans producers. He is always in sketches with him being super over the top pretentious about everything. | {
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3,433 | When giving a handy my ex would always say "ugh, are you almost there?" instant buzzkill.\n\nEdit: Y'all give some weird responses. Goddamn. Plus, I never thought this would be one of my top comments. | {
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3,434 | Except OP is going to think I'm an asshole if I sneeze wrong. | {
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3,435 | He isn't. It's an illusion. | {
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3,436 | Needless to say, uncomfortable. | {
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3,437 | The *Dallas Mom* haircut. | {
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3,438 | He knows when you are sleeping. He knows when you're on the can.\n\nHe'll hunt you down and blast your ass, from here to Pakistan.\n\nOh!\n\nYou'd better not breathe, You'd better not move,\n\nYou're better off dead, I'm telling you, dude.\n\nSanta Claus is gunning you down! | {
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3,439 | It took me a good minute to realize that she did not in fact lick the door. \n\nEdit: Thanks for the gold! Haha | {
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3,440 | Sounds like a future theatre major, honestly. | {
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3,441 | Impressive speech improvement for one day\n | {
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3,442 | Did this to my dad when I was 10. He's a computer programmer and has been programming since the original apple but when it happened he was stumped! He was about to re-install windows when I told him what I did. I got grounded for a week. :( | {
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3,443 | Pam: "Can you explain compounding interest to Cheryl?"\n\nCyril: "Maybe if we had an infinite amount of time and she was some one else." | {
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3,444 | Team PI!\n\nEdit: Woowww gold! Thanks so much!! | {
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3,445 | So painful to read, but this quote should be in every french History book in every french school. Merci pour le partage. | {
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3,446 | There was a social experiment video where they had an attractive guy and girl ask 100 people to have sex with them straight up. About 50% of men said yes to the girl and were like 'where should we go?"\n\nNot a single girl said yes to the guy. Not 1 out of 100.\n\nEdit: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE STOP TELLING ME THAT THE DUDE WAS UNATTRACTIVE THATS YOUR PERSONAL OPINION OTHER PEOPLE FIND HIM ATTRACTIVE WOW PEOPLE HAVE DIFFERENT OPINION GOLLY GEE HOW AMAZING | {
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3,447 | Damnit, I just tried it in a room full of people... | {
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3,448 | you went to see Evansecence? i thought she was blind, not deaf. | {
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3,449 | Pretty ironic how you did the same thing. You know your audience is reddit. That being said I also extremely dislike her. | {
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3,450 | Is that why girls don't exist any more\n\n\n^^^^God ^^^^damn ^^^^nazis. | {
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3,451 | Thats when you ask for a demonstration | {
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3,452 | >Please tell me I'm not the only one who thought she was going to fuck him from behind at this point?\n\nYou're not alone. My first thought was "Oh man, she's going to peg him and he's going to tell us how great it turned out." | {
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3,453 | Where were you WHEN I NEEDED YOU | {
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3,454 | Yes, but then yawn and masturbate into a toilet. | {
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3,455 | That and you can't even see the CPU in this image.\n\nGet your fucking title right o.p. | {
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3,456 | Sometimes I look at my niece and I just know, with a well placed punch, I could kill her. She's 3. Fucked up, I know. Wtf brain. | {
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3,457 | "I'd rather have a full relationship then bang some random girl and never call her again."\n\nPrime example of the difference between 'than' and 'then'. | {
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3,458 | Dude, your English might be better than my English. | {
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3,459 | You think it's hard to find scholarships as a white girl, try it as a white dude. | {
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3,460 | Or Cheryl/Carol/Cristal/Carina/Cherlene. | {
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3,461 | I guess he just noticed... *Puts on sunglasses* ...All the Small Things. | {
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3,462 | Lying all over the guy in the $6000 suit pants? Come on!!! | {
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3,463 | She was talkin' bout his dick ayy lmao | {
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3,464 | How much did they sell for? | {
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3,465 | You would've needed the black light on for that. | {
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3,466 | As someone who worked in the service industry for several years, these people would have left a similar note and not tipped if their check came first. "You were trying to rush us out because we are black"\n\nSome people just don't tip and will come up with whatever rationalization they can along the way so they feel good about it. | {
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3,467 | Don't do maxes any more, but I've ended my sets lately on 420 three times. | {
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3,468 | Thrift store I think. I had a little leather satchel too, because you know, indiana jones. It probably looked more like something a 1970's girl guide would have though. | {
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3,469 | I was high when i posted this. | {
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3,470 | Or because nobody else is | {
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3,471 | It's like a chicken trying to say Mark. | {
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3,472 | if you think too long\nyou'll probably break down and cry | {
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3,473 | That ruined the flanders dynamic for me too | {
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3,474 | How fucking hard would it have been for them to say "it's my LATE father's birthday"? | {
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3,475 | It all makes sense now... a softball field is the shape of a diamond. | {
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3,476 | Islamic state joins Comcast. | {
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3,477 | Update 2 \n \n- I hired a PI and came to the conclusion Adnan Syed did it\n- Jay is Mr. X \n- Mail-Crimp is the best service \n \nUpdate 2.1 \n \n- Thank you to [Tappanga](http://www.reddit.com/user/Tappanga) for the gold. I've never really watched *Boy Meets World*, but thank you for spending that sweet, sweet TV money for this. | {
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3,478 | Glenn has a name, dammit! | {
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3,479 | I can see it now...\n\n**FOX NEWS EXCLUSIVE! BARRACK HUSSEIN OBAMA ANSWERS QUESTIONS ON PEDOPHILE FORUM CALLED REDDIT** | {
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3,480 | I reuse plastic containers as food storage. I think it is better for the environment. | {
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3,481 | Yes for the same reason I accept the risk of flying to the ISS - because it is important for our future (if the dinosaurs had a space program they'd still be here) | {
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3,482 | http://0.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.com/27/50/ac45e3188fd4b3d0dba430d55a65a6ee-today-is-the-day-we-take-the-stairs.jpg | {
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3,483 | Haha my favorite was when Sheen asked Jimmy why they were able to breath in space and as Jimmy starts explaining, and then Carl starts singing really loudly. | {
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3,484 | HOW DO FROGS GET IN THE SKY? | {
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3,485 | The questions got dark. The demographics stayed white. | {
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3,486 | E equals mc square in the jaw, bitch! | {
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3,487 | What are you like 100 years old? | {
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3,488 | Reminds me of the Futurama parody where he realises his eyesight isn't that bad and he can still read large-print book.s\n\n*Eyes fall out*\n\nWell, at least I can read braille.\n\n*Hands fall off*\n\n*Head falls off* | {
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3,489 | You stressed me out. | {
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3,490 | > she was unemployed, pregnant, and stuck with some deadbeat asshole.\n\nGuess the condom broke. | {
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3,491 | I'd like to see the pope fighting a big muscular guy while his little Asian boy sidekick fights a freaky voodoo kid. | {
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3,492 | Tell them about how you took Alicia's Brown-virginity. | {
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3,493 | "I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in." | {
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3,494 | Why do elephants paint their toenail red?\n\nSo they can hide in cherry trees.\n\nWhat?\n\nHave you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?\n\nNo.\n\nSee how well it works. | {
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3,495 | I truly love the whole cast. I suppose I'll stay bestest friends with Angela and Jenna. Oscar just had a baby girl! Named August. I'm going to kidnap her and sell her in Venezuela. I still see and talk to Steve occasionally too.\n | {
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3,496 | While we're at it:\n\nRaisins are dried grapes\nand Prunes are Dried Plums | {
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3,497 | Joey's got some whispering to do | {
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3,498 | I do nonsense like this all the time as well. Two seats open on the bus, one beside someone white, and one beside someone black? I'll sit beside the black person, just in case they would have thought I was a racist if I sat in the other seat. Even though assuming that they would assume that I'm racist, simply because of the colour of their skin, is also totally racist.\n\nBasically: constant, self-inflicted guilty mind-games.\n\nEdit: spelling. | {
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3,499 | And then there are those of us that DID pay for the app before it was bought out and made official. | {
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