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|---|---|---|
2,500 | Perfect reply was "well she could have kissed him first" \n\nEDIT: welp, my most popular comment was about not having the balls to just kiss a girl | {
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2,501 | Eating an onion like it's an apple takes some serious dedication.\n\nI'm sure you were crying with laughter. | {
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2,502 | Without your/their phones on | {
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2,503 | "Your son has what we in the medical community would refer to as a 'monster cock.' I'll leave you with these pamphlets." | {
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2,504 | "yes."\n\n-Rob Thomas\n | {
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2,505 | That seemed almost too easy... | {
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2,506 | Same cringey idea, I sprayed an aerosol carpet cleaner into 'I hate you' in front of my Mum's door while she was in her bedroom with the idea it would appear in the carpet lighter. Suddenly panicked and spent ages on my hands and knees scrubbing it away and ended up cleaning the entire landing carpet. | {
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2,507 | **I PREDICT TURMOIL IN THE MIDDLE EAST.** | {
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2,508 | TL;DR: Black Veil Brides, Asking Alexandria, and Pierce the Veil. | {
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2,509 | --What size he had?\n\n-- 7 cm.\n\n-- *with a sigh of relief* Such a small?\n\n-- In diameter... | {
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2,510 | Your grandpa is a bro | {
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2,511 | No True Mathematician™ | {
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2,512 | Ask your GF about fast events that can hardly be said to have occurred at all, while being naked. | {
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2,513 | 4 feet farther. \nA little further. \nOne is quantitative, one qualitative. | {
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2,514 | You would think he would start rapping or something | {
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2,515 | Sometimes, things don't come up Milhouse. | {
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2,516 | And the guy is spinning clockwise, which is further confirmation for this being Australia. | {
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2,517 | Or perhaps just his lust for life. He's fuckin' READY. | {
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2,518 | Oh hey Egypt, thanks for attacking ISIS, super cool of you | {
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2,519 | Keeping it real, good on you Justin. | {
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2,520 | There are 2 guys there. If there was only 1 guy, they would force him to take the picture.\n\nEdit: thanks for the gold | {
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2,521 | "I do rape and murder as much as I want. And that amount is zero." -Penn Jillette | {
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2,522 | Stretching in my seat? Boner. | {
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2,523 | "Hey mom, did you know you can put a ring in your prolapse?" | {
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2,524 | My girlfriend lets me smear jam on her face and lick it off. She's a cracker.\n\nEdit: This was sincerely an accidentally racist joke. Here in the UK and Ireland. 'cracker' means 'great guy/gal' - apologies ! | {
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2,525 | jim cramer?\n\nEdit: Booyah gold!! thank you :) | {
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2,526 | This is first one that really made go 'huh that's weird' | {
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2,527 | Wow I really thought I was the only one doing this | {
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2,528 | Damn. Popcorn has been around for a while. | {
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2,529 | "... is that something that is likely to happen at this workplace?"\n\n\n"Does that mean you're not interested?"\n\n\n"... how is your medical?" | {
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2,530 | Adding on to this: the famous mathematician Eratosthenes was able to calculate the circumference of the Earth... in the ~~6th~~ ([corrected]\n(http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/2r4bau/what_commonlytold_fact_is_incorrect/cncp8sh)) 3rd century BC. | {
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2,531 | Pencil Sharper! Poop...\n\nCan Opener! Rats...\n\nBox Cutter! Nope...\n\nSex Doll! Uhh... | {
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2,532 | I'm kind of pissed at you. | {
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2,533 | Yeah, now I ask girls out via text. | {
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2,534 | Well, she obviously reached her boiling point. | {
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2,535 | yeah, we make no mistakes. let's go with that | {
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2,536 | "I must renounce my loyalty to you, for I have accepted a higher position under Lord Tim of House Horton"\n\nedit: thanks for the gold! | {
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2,537 | Wash your hands always before sexy stuff! No matter the spicy food | {
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2,538 | This really cracked me up. "It's mom." Like she'd call herself "mom" to him hahaha. | {
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2,539 | Lol. Of course there would be a few doctors on the golf courses | {
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2,540 | > have to, or can\n\nhave tou**can**\n\nFTFY | {
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2,541 | Why is your GF watching you wipe your ass?\n | {
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2,542 | Arresting Tommy Chong for selling bongs seems like going for the easy target. | {
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2,543 | Because double standards. It's not right but that doesn't make it not true. | {
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2,544 | http://imgur.com/qgSlU\n\nProof! | {
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2,545 | Fellow Chem prof here. It was hard coming up with a good chemistry related username! | {
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2,546 | You keep $300 in your jacket? | {
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2,547 | If I went "that hard" at any other time of the day it would be domestic violence | {
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2,548 | Well you're not hardcore\n\nUnless you live hardcore\n\nBut the legend of the rent was way hardcore | {
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2,549 | As a former cashier myself, I really appreciate customers that call out other customers for being stupid, because we were not allowed to. | {
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2,550 | Antoine Walker was once asked why he shot so many 3-pointers. His response was "Because there are no fours". Classic Antoine. | {
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2,551 | yes, hitler was quite a grammar nazi | {
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2,552 | Yeah, what I'm doing is so underground that I haven't even heard of it. | {
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2,553 | You don't even have to exercise (even though it doesn't hurt, of course) if you eat less calories than you use, you lose weight. If you only eat junkfood until you reach that limit however, its not very healthy. | {
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2,554 | "What?" \n\n"Shhh. Go back to sleep." | {
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2,555 | IT'S ALMOST AS IF SHE'S PAID TO SAY THINGS MEN WANT TO HEAR | {
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2,556 | Not awkward! Like I said, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.\n\nThe watergate burglar, G. Gordon Liddy. I was prepared to totally dislike him, but he was so whacko, and so engaging, that I wound up enjoying him. His utter honesty, his bizarre philosophy, brought a sense of joy to the airwaves. I like him and have kept in touch. | {
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2,557 | Business traveler here. I expense it and don't give a fuck. That's why. | {
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2,558 | We went to the moon and quickly grew bored with it. | {
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2,559 | Holy shit, fucking people man, killing someone because he didn't have enough money to rob. I'm so sorry for both you and your friend. | {
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2,560 | What's really disgusting is that the whole thing is geared exclusively towards fat white girls. A few months ago there was this article about a "fit mom" called Maria Kang who was all muscular and shit, and these body-love people went *apeshit* because how dare a woman take pride in a body she worked hard for! If you're not a fat white girl then these people will tear you apart. Because it's not about acceptance, it's about replacing a bullshit standard of beauty with another. | {
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2,561 | "Chronic masturbation lowers self control and motivation."\n\n"Yeah, but I'm already semierect and it'd be a waste not to."\n\n"You win this round old friend." | {
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2,562 | Ah, the old mourning wood. | {
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2,563 | I thought this was going to end with a baby in the oven. | {
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2,564 | Didn't happen at the elephant bar I worked at in colorado springs, but our manager routinely had furious husbands come in to fight him for banging their wives. | {
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2,565 | I'll give them credit, you can now get a happy meal with apple slices instead of fries, milk instead of soda, and a book instead of a toy | {
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2,566 | I am totally disappointed that he didn't respond with "WHAAAAT?!!" | {
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2,567 | well now reddit can finally get around to hating him. | {
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2,568 | "Ah, a man of statistics. You're hired!" | {
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2,569 | >now with less child labor! \n \n"Because a few of them died!" | {
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2,570 | >GG RPG: Could be professional model, decides to be professional role model.\n\nFixed. | {
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2,571 | Stick a black twizzler up your ass and fart into a glass of tang | {
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2,572 | He went for the tricycle and failed, can't fault a man for that. | {
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2,573 | I looked at my mom's vagina and cried. Then a nurse grabbed me and took me to an incubator. | {
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2,574 | Oooh, no shots fired. | {
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2,575 | You mean, raced upstairs from the basement. | {
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2,576 | So are you from that fries forum or not? | {
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2,577 | I'm subbed there but it can be an odd place sometimes. Currently there's a top post complaining about mommy blogs. *Why are childfree people looking at mommy blogs?* \n | {
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2,578 | Followed later by recordings showing that they seemed to have attempted a barrel roll... | {
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2,579 | Actually he is doing awkward shooting impressively. | {
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2,580 | A green man changing into aliens who can shoot things out of his mouth and throw up and the throw up can turn into guns and start shooting people. | {
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2,581 | http://imgur.com/HE9vH | {
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2,582 | It's funny what watching their videos does to my sense of humanity. \n\n"Violence is the bane of our existence and war should be avoided at all cost."\n\n*Watches ISIS behead people like fucking livestock*\n\n"Send a fleet of 10,000 drones and an infantry of rocket-wielding [robot dogs](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W1czBcnX1Ww) to kill those bastards and scare anyone else from joining them." | {
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2,583 | Ha! Thank you Alien Blue thumbnails. | {
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2,584 | Nah just wait until they start talking shit again and tell them very politely, "Be thankful my house is messy, otherwise you wouldn't have a job." | {
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2,585 | What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?\n\nDre. | {
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2,586 | >hotel bath in Japan\n>no biggie\n\nUnfortunate choice of words | {
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2,587 | That's a thing? Huh I really didn't comment much when I first got my account. | {
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2,588 | >My number one recommendation is fiber, fiber every day.\n\nFiber... just fiber? What about not doing heroin. | {
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2,589 | "I don't see color. People tell me i'm white, and I believe them because I buy my drugs at a pharmacy." - Stephen Colbert | {
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2,590 | I don't think I'll be watching that. | {
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2,591 | It's not sweat, it's just being pushed out of your pores like a noodle strainer. | {
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2,592 | I've never seen the appeal of paying a girl to pretend to like me for 20 mins. | {
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2,593 | Airplane! is almost cheating in a one liner contest. | {
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2,594 | "We're incompetent, but it's OK, because we're also unnecessary." | {
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2,595 | This is hilarious. All the sad balloons on the floor with strings. | {
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2,596 | Sounds like a win-win. | {
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2,597 | Scream "You blew my cover! Allahu Gaybar! Now you're going to blow me" whip your dick out and start chasing him around the table.\n\nEdit> thanks for the gold and 30+ notifications in my inbox<<<< | {
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2,598 | Then seriously consider what else you could have done to make the situation less embarassing | {
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2,599 | WITH A POCKET FULL OF SHELLS! | {
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