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1,300 | Pack it up everyone, we're done here | {
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1,301 | This seems to be a pretty easy solution. But maybe the battery on his hat died too. | {
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1,302 | Yo don't close your eyes for too long while you're driving. | {
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1,303 | One time I pissed in a hot tub and I swear it turned yellow. | {
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1,304 | Lots of people think it's a Jeopardy reference, but actually I was thinking of that time Watson and I were cellmates in prison, and it kept raping me. | {
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1,305 | Is your name M Night Shamalamadingdong? | {
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1,306 | I feel retarded, I read that as eggos and I thought "yeah, I like the bite sized ones more, too." | {
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1,307 | This is, hands down, the funniest fake story I have ever read because it is so incredibly badly written. The fact that so many people buy into it makes it that much funnier | {
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1,308 | > TLDR: On the back stroke I looked like a shark\n\nEarly nomination for best TL;DR of '15. Where da' mods at?! | {
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1,309 | \- Mom I'm fine, I promise.\n\n\- Gonna send the cops anyway, just to be sure. Better safe than sorry. Also, I'll give them your jacket so they can bring it to you, you left without it. What's going on in your head, didn't you check the temperature ? You'll catch death. You're lucky to have me. | {
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1,310 | Single female. Sorry to disappoint. | {
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1,311 | To save this boy's life, I will upvote you. | {
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1,312 | She turns into a fucking USB of all things.\n\n\n Seriously..... | {
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1,313 | How do people there handle random boners? do they just ignore it?\n\nSorry if this question is weird. | {
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1,314 | I'll poop my pants for a million dollars. Shit I'll poop my pants for five dollars.\n\nEdit: oh crap... I made this comment and then went to sleep and then work in the morning. Now that I Have gold I almost feel obligated to poop my pants. On a side note I feel like I low balled myself and could have gotten more money. But I kind of also want to be a man of my word. I'm so torn.\n\nEdit2: Can you start a kick-starter for five dollars? | {
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1,315 | hi this is this kids dad why you make him eat ricin how rood | {
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1,316 | Don't confuse fascist with fashion. | {
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1,317 | god damn might as well make them a Cubs fan while we're at it | {
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1,318 | There should be an option for people like that so that they no longer have an excuse:\n\nSmall $2.00\n\nMedium $3.00\n\nBig $4.00\n\nSix Fries $ .40 | {
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1,319 | *PEEKABOO!...see me poo!* | {
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1,320 | Wait... are we talking years, or inches? | {
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1,321 | I had heard that Steve got kicked off for being a drug addict- I am so glad that it was not true. I loves me some Steve. | {
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1,322 | Has anybody\n\never said they would grab you\n\nlike a bowling ball? | {
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1,323 | Next time I make a save icon I'm going to make it a stack of punched cards. That'll confuse the little shits. | {
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1,324 | Ah, I see you're making use of Britain's *best* contribution: sarcasm ;) | {
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1,325 | Seriously, every god damn day.\n\nSome people don't even believe me, I was in class one of my first days in college and my professor was telling us that we had to color code something for the class (it was notes or our papers or something). I told her I was color blind and asked if she had a suggestion for something I should do.\n\nShe laughed and continued on with the class. | {
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1,326 | So Coldplay is pure gold? | {
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1,327 | Well... that story escalated quickly holy shit. | {
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1,328 | Mobile users flip to landscape.\n\nSpoilers, it's a goddum toucan \n\nEdit for spelling\n\nEdit glad I could help you sillies out | {
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1,329 | That's lucky I mean ***really* lucky** | {
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1,330 | You would've loved Chatroulette. | {
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1,331 | We tried that. You didn't want to. | {
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1,332 | Well that got dark fast. | {
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1,333 | That comment is so dark the Ferguson police shot it. | {
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1,334 | Kutner was my favorite. Thanks Obama. | {
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1,335 | Two scientists walk into a bar.\nFirst scientist says "I'll have some H2O"\nSecond scientist says "I'll have some H2O as well."\nThe first scientist curses to himself as his assassination attempt had failed. | {
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1,336 | I bet his pants aren't even on fire. | {
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1,337 | But then slowly, over the course of the show, two of the guys actually fall in love, conspire to split the prize. | {
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1,338 | My policy is that anyone who "keeps count" in a friendship is someone to be wary of. I have no idea who's paid for the most amongst my friends, we just take care of things as the situation comes up.\n\nFFS if you're actually friends you don't need to keep the ledger balanced. | {
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1,339 | That is such a strange sentence. \n\nEdit: thanks for the gold kind stranger! | {
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1,340 | True, but when you combine hurricanes and beads you get boobs. | {
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1,341 | According to this logic obviously fake tits should not be censored. | {
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1,342 | Sold so much plasma in college folks thought I had track marks from drugs. | {
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1,343 | Every Bond including Pierce to be precise. It's like it was an unwritten rule that Bond could only be captured by the main villain and hurt/tortured by said villain or his/her named henchmen.\n\nI personally love the joke: a Stormtrooper and a Red Shirt get into a firefight. The Stormtrooper misses every shot, and the Red Shirt still dies. | {
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1,344 | I would like to draw attention to the fact that we just invented a new cheese | {
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1,345 | Damn it feels good to be a gangsta. | {
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1,346 | Nah no joke answer. I came in here looking for interesting real answers and thanks for posting one.\n\nI don't mind joke answers but god this thread is filled with ones that aren't remotely funny. | {
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1,347 | http://i.imgur.com/JMWr1CN.jpg\n \n(NSFW) | {
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1,348 | This is the most accurate-to-the-movies response I've seen yet. Yes, this is precisely what would happen. | {
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1,349 | Forget that. I only care about people in elevators. | {
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1,350 | I bet he spends all his money on pawn shop jewelry. | {
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1,351 | 26 years later I learn they're not saying cotton candy soldier. 😕 | {
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1,352 | I will enroll in any class that contains 'shit' in the name... | {
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1,353 | This is the one that should be at the top. Bayer killed many thousands of people, knowing full well what they were doing... just so they could make a profit on product they would have had to dump otherwise.\n\n\nEdit: Good to see it made its way up. Everyone should know about this. | {
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1,354 | Hey, thanks! It really was a fun project.\n\n*Edit*: Wow! I am feeling really good about my job right now. Thank you all for the support! **Feel free to PM me as well and I will answer all your questions in time.**\n\n*Edit*: Although I handle real gold every day I have never received some from reddit! Thank you friends! \n | {
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1,355 | because i was arrested in france and they wouldnt let me drive anymore. :( le poop. | {
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1,356 | He was dissappointed because you looked in his stuff. | {
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1,357 | I don't remember when I stopped doing it, but whenever I finished pooping as a little kid I would literally yell "MOMMY I NEED YOU", stand up, face the toilet, and bend over for my mom to come in and wipe my ass. The phrase has now become an inside joke in the family. | {
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1,358 | I don't even like it. It's messy and pointless for me. To each their own. | {
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1,359 | He is ready for politics. | {
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1,360 | There's like a stockpile of Saudi Prince brothers. It's all good. | {
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1,361 | George Bush doesn't care about black poodles. | {
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1,362 | Fuck, that's deep. \n\nEdit: Shit, I just wasted one. | {
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1,363 | Best answer. I read somewhere that it's insanely expensive and very important for medical research.\n\nEdit: $15,000 a quart. | {
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1,364 | My justice boner just exploded in my pants. | {
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1,365 | This is fucking phenomenal, the grammar, the insecurities, the self doubt, it's all here folks. | {
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1,366 | Tim Burton presents Johnny Depp: Stripes and Curly Things. | {
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1,367 | >Which takes surgery to fix and hurts like a birch.\n\nCan confirm, am lumberjack. Birch is fall, man is kill. | {
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1,368 | Hey grandma! Wanna hear a joke niggawolf told me? | {
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1,369 | Divine inch-tervention. | {
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1,370 | I wise man once said, "Give a man a picture and he can fap for a day. Give him a name, and he'll fap for a weekend."\n\nEDIT: Jesus, I walk away for an hour and come back to my first double gilded comment about jerking off. To those two kind strangers, I want you to know that I will think of you while I masturbate this weekend. Thank you. | {
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1,371 | mmm room temperature melted cheese | {
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1,372 | Are you a politician now? Because you should be. | {
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1,373 | God my younger sister put this idea in my mum's head. | {
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1,374 | *OK guys thanks for attending this meeting. Last night I did a bunch of coke and stayed up all night watching something called Adult Swim. They do quirkly little ads between their shows aimed at potheads. We should do this too to reach the young people. I called my hipster cousin and he said do something with narwhals and a fast-paced weird song. Let's do this people*\n\nEdit: I didn't even know it's not original. That makes it even lamer. | {
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1,375 | Hair brush... Darn!\n\nTooth pick... Crap!\n\nEyelash curler... Doh!\n\nTongue depressor... Snap!\n\nShin guard... No! | {
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1,376 | Don't tell people that. I used to tell everyone on yahoo answers that as a joke. I must have told 200 people various reasons to do that. \n\nOne day, years later when we were both in our early 30s my friend said "I wonder how many people you actually killed" \n\nAnd then I felt like shit because I realized the number may not be 0. | {
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1,377 | I know 4th grade was a long time ago, but BOOBEIS isn't a word. | {
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1,378 | Done: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0PAgrm8nqg | {
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1,379 | So that's where they all went!\n\nedit: Who needs copper when you got gold! Thanks! | {
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1,380 | "Ugh, we go to all this trouble and no one even asks. I told you we should have just covered everything in tasteful nudes!" | {
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1,381 | Here: http://gfycat.com/FriendlyAfraidEsok\n\nedit* - The left rear tire (cyan) and the corresponding corner of the car shape and the tire track during the part where the car is backing up was really bothering me, so I made an updated version for myself and the 0 other people who will see this. Turns out I'm really anal. Old one if you want to see my shame ---> http://gfycat.com/SmugIllfatedArthropods | {
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1,382 | Two Wongs make a white? | {
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1,383 | I once saw a, err, certain type of film where the girl was playing a video game as part of the "plot". She was actually playing it too. I never expected that attention to detail in that certain type of film\n\nEdit: thanks guys, my top comment is about porn now | {
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1,384 | I was at a supermarket and when I got out of my car a guy in his 50's zoomed past me as he was standing on his cart, riding it down to his car. I thought "That'll be me in 30 years." This and your comment make me feel confident that I'll never have to be boring when I get old. | {
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1,385 | don't correct the President, neckbeard. | {
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1,386 | "Don't tell me what to do! Donated." | {
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1,387 | Apparently I haven't been at it long enough to stop caring. | {
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1,388 | Big deal. I sleep naked with my wife all the time and don't get laid. \n\nEdit: First gold...thanks kind internet stranger! Now it's time to find out if my Redditing wife can be turned on by gold. Wish me luck, boys...I'm going in! (hopefully) | {
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1,389 | The Galaxy Nexus (a phone) was the guinea pig (aka experimental testbed) for the Android OS update codenamed "ice cream sandwich". | {
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1,390 | > fisting old people | {
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1,391 | This is an unfortunate side effect of the zero-tolerance rules in schools today. The school officials just punish kids without checking their personal situation. This unfortunately catches some good kids and throws them in with the genuine trouble makers. | {
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1,392 | > -beers cost $7 because you're paying for the environment, not the alcohol\n\nHaha...it also costs that in the DC region...even if there are no strippers. | {
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1,393 | Don't buy groceries when you're hungry. | {
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1,394 | You mean the towel that stands in the corner? | {
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1,395 | That's my problem! I haven't been using the underbite technique! | {
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1,396 | She took her hair out of the ponytail. OMGOODNESS she is so hot now. | {
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1,397 | No one was ready for gangnam style | {
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1,398 | Really works though. You sneak up behind her and scare the fuck out of her. | {
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1,399 | The mom would taste them to detect semen. | {
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Subsets and Splits