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Wizards_with_Guns | why_we_shouldn_t_save_the_bees_at_least_not_these_ones_ | Hey. Hey asshole.
Ah. What? You're an idiot. That was rude. How'd you get in? You gonna answer your phone you fucking idiot? Whoa.
Okay this is my house so you can't talk to me like that. I'm gonna hurt you. Okay. That's uncalled for. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna sting you.
Don't. Okay you're gonna regret it because everyone knows when a bee stings a person the bee also dies. So don't.
I'm never gonna die.
Wait.
Oh that kind of hurt. I'm dying.
Yeah I told you that was gonna happen. I didn't believe you but you were right.
Well. Life's so short. Remember when they came in through that window? Of course. It was like a minute ago. Remember when they stung you? This is so recent. All of it. Remember when I was laying right here? Yeah that's that's right now. Those were the days. When were you born?
Hey I just wanted to say sorry. Oh yeah okay. That's a nice gesture. I appreciate it. Sorry I didn't sting you more. Okay I had a feeling that. Okay.
Wait. Where's my phone? Hey Donnie! I've never guessed what I picked for you and your favorite flower. Wait. You killed Donnie. Whoa okay let's not jump to any conclusions before we do anything rad.
I'm gonna kill you. You son of a... Shit! You're gonna be fucked up this time back now. Oh my god I can't with this shit. I'm gonna hit you where it hurts. Like in the arm or the hand or something. Don't. If you do you're gonna die. Oh come on. I'm dying. Yeah I mean I tried to warn you.
Life's so short. I have so many regrets. There's so many missed opportunities.
I spent time with my family just so I could spend a few more hours at work.
Gross. You killed Terry. I'm dying. You killed my family. You killed my me brothers. My brothers. You'll ruin this.
Hello doctor? What?
I'm allergic to bees?
I'm dying. Oh wow. I never thought I would die. |
dropout | rapper_who_is_very_concerned_with_password_security | You know what they say, more money, more passwords To protect that money from hackers Cause there's more of them too More money, more potential problems But more passwords, no hackers Yeah, MC safe search Online, I'm shopping and I'm feeling fine But I gotta use some passwords to keep what's mine Passwords and codes that protect your stuff You gotta keep them all a secret since they safe enough But then how do you remember? It's the question that I get I'll say why not use the first name of your favorite pet Mine's my dog, Mr. Noodles It don't matter if you know Cause I was tricky and replaced some vials with Zeros I mean, not, you know what? Nevermind, that was a general example Not specifically mine And if you try to log in, you'll get my username wrong Wait, did we just show the title at the start of the song? Aw man, give me two quick seconds I mean, I'm not worried, dawg Cause I'm password protected Keep your words, keep your passwords tied If you keep your words a secret, it'll be alright If you wanna be safe, pick a real good word Don't say it to a bird, they're the talkiest bird You gotta go with a phrase that no one knows Don't ever write it down, don't let it show Don't you ever let it slip in front of a hack You gotta be extra careful with your secret passwords There we go, my account's all safe and sounding Yo, what do you think you're doing creeping, peeking around? Did that video just show what I just typed in? I just changed my login, I gotta do it again? Now it's telling me I can't change again that quick When I was typing, I really hope you did not film it Dang, just got an alert that my account got hacked But they don't have my social number, so I can just relax Why would you show this, man? What a terrible choice I said they do not have my number, please listen to my voice Very cool, that was another message about my account from my bank Saying I just bought a speedboat So that's cool, thanks, and a car, and a fur coat And yet another boat? These hackers are the worst They really give my goat Was trying to spread the word about keeping passwords safe But this whole song is blown up in my face Keep your words, keep your passwords tight If you slip up, you'll probably get hacked tonight Then someone will use your cash to buy a cold barboat Or a car or another boat You can't be too careful with your info Don't ever let it slip, don't let nobody know it You never know, let's watch them when you show your hands Sometimes stealing someone's stuff It's the only way They will understand Hey, Bobby, where'd you get that coat? Did I just get my identity stolen by my backup singer? My man got hacked, ha ha! Dang, I've known you since the 4th grade, Bobby I even share my pizza bagels with you |
cracked | does_john_wick_owe_his_success_as_an_assassin_to_being_a_great_guy_cracked_debate | Whoever comes, whoever it is, I'll kill them. I'll kill them all.
Jesus. Fine. I'll cancel Bring Your Dog to Work Day.
No, no, no. Just doing my favorite John Wick quotes. Oh, man, I love John Wick.
I know. He's such a freakin' great friend. I know.
I was gonna say Badass Murder Machine. Oh. Well, I definitely want him as part of my squad. Your death squad. My BFF squad.
Okay, no. John Wick is the best assassin in the universe, and freakin' everybody knows it. Even though Russian dude, Viggo, before Wick has killed a single person, he's calling him freakin' Baba Yaga.
I think I went to high school with a kid named Baba Yaga. He's always tampering with student body elections.
That is not a true story. You weren't there.
Viggo is sure that Wick is gonna kill them all, and he is right. Because of the power of friendship. I think it's more the power of headshots and knives and the power of books. Everybody in the Wickiverse knows Wick's name. Every bad guy, every random cop.
Okay, you're being redundant, but so he's well known. That doesn't mean he's everybody's best friend.
Wick would've been killed if his best friend, Willem Dafoe, hadn't warned him about that assassin lady at the Continental, and didn't shoot those guys who were plastic-bagging Wick at the end. Okay, but Willem Dafoe dies, and then Wick still goes on to assassinate Viggo alone. Not before he's saved again by his other best friend Winston, who showed back up to finish off that scary assassin lady when she was trying to pop Wick's motherfucking dome. That's only because she violated the rules of the Continental, not because Winston and Wick are best friends, and again, he still goes from there to assassinate Viggo. He kills Viggo, but you have to admit he mostly sucks at coming up with sophisticated assassination plans. Like, when he goes to that nightclub to kill Yosif, he immediately makes his presence known and just starts shooting the shit out of everything. Yosif gets away because Wick couldn't keep it in his pants for five minutes.
Okay, but there were like a million guards, and like you've said, he's the most famous guy in the universe. Stealth is not an option. It's like The Rock trying to rob a Wendy's. Everybody knows that big old beefcake.
Well, he's not even good at straight trickery. Like, remember when he was trying to burn all Viggo's money and crap in that church to try and draw him out for an ambush? Wick was controlling all the variables, and he still got plowed by that Subaru. I mean, yeah, I guess, but it's because he's been plowing his wife for the last half decade, you know? He said he was rusty. He'd given up on his routine of waking up at 4am to shoot nuts out of squirrels mouths or, you know, whatever assassins do to train. By the beginning of Wick 2, you know, his pencil-stabbing mojo is back, and he's raring to go. I would think that the world's greatest assassin wouldn't get rusty, but regardless, if he's so great, why does Santino think he can betray him so easily? I am not sure with that anthropomorphic meatball, doused in parmesan-looking Italian thought, but whatever he was thinking, he was deeply wrong about his ability to kill Wick, about anybody's ability to kill Wick.
He's only wrong about Wick's ability to make friends who can point him in the direction of people who can make literal bulletproof dinner jackets. He pays for the jacket! That's not a friend thing. It is like a cheat code thing, though. Wick gets shot 11,000 times, and he only survives because he up, up, down, down, left, right, left, righted himself. Okay, a good assassin knows how to use his tools. Other assassins have access to bulletproof dinner jackets.
Cassian had one, and Wick still stabs him in the heart, because Wick is the king. But Cassian also basically mortally wounds Wick, and then Morpheus, king of the trash people, shows up to save his buddy's life. I think that's stretching to say that they're good friends. I mean, Morpheus was gonna kill him. Was he, though? He literally healed Wick so he could have a chat with John, the wonderful conversationalist. The only conversation that Morpheus wanted to have was about that treacherous meatball on the high table. He just wanted Wick alive so he could milk his unholy... He's... Skills. Well, that and he was a good friend to Morpheus in the past.
By slashing him in the throat? By lightly slashing him in the throat. He gave Morpheus a chance to live, and he did the exact same thing with Cassian. He's a killer, sure, but he's so nice he's making allies he doesn't even know about. He stabbed Cassian in the heart. Yeah, by the long, not necessarily lethal, dagger known as camaraderie.
Wick's whole thing is that he's a good assassin, right? He's good at assassinating? Yeah, I mean, he assassinates 299 people over the course of three movies. I think that's pretty good. He kills almost 300 people, but how many does he actually assassinate? What would his score be in a Hitman game?
You're not gonna be very in demand if you leave 50 bodies behind every time. Alright, what about his sick sneak through the Catacombs plan in John Wick 2 to kill Santino's medium-rare sister? I mean, he takes her out without hurting a single other person. And then he gets betrayed, but that's not, like, his fault. The betrayal came later. His original exit plan was to walk straight through the party and hide guns everywhere so he could shoot a bunch of people on the way out. Well, then that's a good thing he planned for betrayal. Even if he hadn't been betrayed, Cassian immediately noticed something was wrong well before Ruby Rose, the star of the smash hit 2017's XXX Return of Xander Cage showed up.
Um, well, he still gets the job frickin' done. But the job isn't done, not really.
Every time Wick kills someone, he does it in such a public insane way that he makes new enemies. He's basically the United States foreign policy in the Middle East.
Wow. Timely.
Yeah, I mean, I guess that plan does end with Wick assassinating Santino on continental grounds, which is probably not the most nuanced option or the best option, but, again, Wick, he can handle it. He can only handle it because Winston and Wick are such great buddies that Winston lets Wick walk all the way home to think about his life actions and gives him an extra additional hour to get his shit together and presumably unbury his basement guns for the 15th time. If they were playing by the actual rules, Wick would have been dead before he left the hotel. Alright, but we've only been talking about John Wick 1 and 2. Two thirds of all the released movies, yeah. Yeah, but J-Dub's two ends with Winston calling in a 1-1-1-1-1. Are we saying Winston's coming up with codes and that Wick could never be front of someone who's bad at codes?
Because, honestly, that kind of resonates with you. Uh, no. 1-1-1-1-1 is the angel number. I think that there's a good hang, but an angel? It's not like a morality thing. A 1-1-1-1-1 just implies a fresh start.
See, in 1 and 2, Wick has always had one foot in, one foot out of the assassin world. He hasn't fully committed, but now, by parabellum, he's got zero shits left to give. He's got a dog babysitter, so he doesn't have to worry about feeding him, you know, in between assassinations, and he's just ready to go. He's gonna kill everybody in the whole freaking universe, starting with the freaky basketball player guy. See, but even that fight results in a wound that Wick only survives because he has a doctor friend willing to risk his life to patch him up, and then he lets him steal some drugs and shoot him twice.
How many friends would you take even one bullet for, let alone two? I mean, I would for count of reads.
And then that Russian babushka gives him safe passage, even though it results in a hand stabbing? Hey, he earned that safe passage, I think. And when he arrives in Casablanca, he's given amnesty by Halle Berry, because even though she acts all mad at him, he saved her daughter like a good friend, and or a good Liam Neeson would do.
Okay, but how many friends do you force to do things like that, because that's what Wick did, he's just calling in a favor like a shrewd assassin. I've asked my friends to do some pretty crazy things, but look, if you want to know what a real assassin looks like, it's those sushi guys. They freaking eviscerate the whole Russian-Roma gang without ever firing a shot. Oh yeah, you mean the guys that Wick literally kills or knocks unconscious all of with his meaty, bludgeoning, mighty fists, and his ability to freaking sneak into crowds and magically disappear like the world's greatest assassin, which he is? No, the guys who frequently stop reading the hell out of Wick to tell him that he's really cool and they've always wanted to meet him, and if they didn't have to kill him, then they'd probably be best friends after, and who help him up after he gets knocked down. They're not trying their hardest because they're true assassins, and Wick is just a meathead.
Some of them were in the Raid movies, Jordan. The Raid.
You're my boy, Mad Dog. She walked by me.
They'd assassinate Wick in five seconds if they didn't so desperately want to go get beers with him after their little fight. Can you keep saying that word? Assassin? You keep saying that word like the definition is inherent, but I can do definitions, and according to one dictionary that I refuse to source, assassins are men who are faithful and abide by their beliefs.
It doesn't say anything about being good at skeeves. And the thing that Wick believes in most is the power of friendship. John Wick's best skill isn't his quick pistol shooting. It's that he's Keanu Reeves, and as you literally just said, everybody loves Keanu Reeves.
Tie. Yeah, tie. Like. Subscribe. Action. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_NSW_Premier_Chris_Minns | Welcome to the Batutah Advocate radio show.
You're joined by myself, Clancy Overall, and Wendell Hussey, the Eternal Cadet. Nearly 10 years as a cadet. Yeah, you keep dangling that carrot, Clancy. It always just seems to be just around the corner.
I've asked my old man, who's obviously close personal friends of you, sort something out, and he reckons he's trying. Well, that's where you went wrong, mate. Yeah, I think he thinks I'm learning a lesson or something, I don't know, but it's frustrating. Well, you're getting a start here today.
We're interviewing the New South Wales Premier. Now, I've never interviewed this man per se, but you actually have on one of the Decode podcasts. Yeah, I spoke to him a little while ago. It was a good, interesting chat. It was a bit of fun as well. I've never interviewed a Premier. I've only interviewed a Deputy Premier of New South Wales in the shape of John Barillaro, Valet, and...
Yeah, we've deleted that one. Yeah. Really? Nah.
I mean, he was a good character. He was a bit of fun, but he was bullshitting most of the time, which I think he did throughout a lot of his career.
I remember you telling me about you interviewing or spending the weekend with Barnaby. Barnaby, we did a big weekend with Barnaby and Tamworth, which was a hoot. We also did a weekend in Mount Isa with both caters. Oh, really? We stayed in Robbie's house, and Bob showed us around. You know, that rural hospitality rings true, whether it's in Tamworth or Mount Isa. But there's a whole bunch of Barnaby stories that I don't think you aired.
Nah, nah, nah.
From a journalistic perspective, it's... Well, you've got to build trust with this. You've got to build trust, you know, particularly when we're considered carpetbaggers coming from Queensland down to New South Wales.
Well, that's what he did. He was a Queenslander. Wasn't he in the Senate in Queensland? He was, and he was a bouncer in Deere and Bandy, which he's mentioned a few times.
Has that been fact-checked? I don't know.
Look, he's a big bloke, but I don't know if there was a Deere and Bandy ringer playing up in the front bar, Barnaby would be the one I'd bring in to stop what was happening. If I was playing up in the front bar, I don't know. Oh, you'd back yourself against Barnaby? Well, and I'm not saying I'm anything like a Deere and Bandy ringer. I'm just more talking about Barnaby. You're just saying you don't want to be ableist, but you don't think Barnaby could restrain you if he had to.
No, no. I think there are certain types of work for certain people, and I don't think... I mean, the fact that it's a hands-on job, obviously, I don't think that's for him, but just size-wise, I also don't think he would. Anyway. I don't think he's done jiu-jitsu or he'd have that roadhouse kind of... But he wouldn't stop.
No. Yeah, true. Do you know what I mean?
Until he was on the floor, out front of the pub, he wouldn't... You guys would restrain... You'd be like, well, this is getting too heated, and Barnaby would be like, we're not going to end. Had a big night of mind-sweeping, cleaning up empty glasses throughout the pub as he crawls through and then... So he'd be like Quicksilver, like he just couldn't escape him. He'd be like the Terminator.
Yeah. Yeah, you have to... Yeah, he'd just keep rolling. Yeah.
Who do you think in the New South Wales Parliament is the closest thing to a real bushy? Because I know, unfortunately, rural Australians end up getting represented by these creeps that come out of the city and relocate to their grandparents' hometown at 32 years old with a wife and kid that they've managed to create in the space of 18 months. Yeah. Who is a real bushy in New South Wales Parliament? Who'd be a real bushy?
Roy Butler. Do you know Roy Butler?
He's pretty... I reckon he's pretty good. He's an indie outside of Dubbo, but he represents all the way to Broken Hill and around there.
But he's vegetarian. Really? So he's a former member of the Shooters Fishers and Farmers Party, and he's a vegetarian. He's a veg-o, and he's quite strict about it too. But I think that adds to his credibility almost. Yeah, that is... I mean, he's a contrarian, but it sounds the thing. I'd love to see a meeting with his constituents who literally farm cattle for a living. He'd have to be pretty honest out that way. I mean, also the thing about those kinds of vegetarians is like the alpha male vegetarian has to make it a thing. No, you know who it's definitely?
It's Helen Dalton. Helen Dalton.
She's the biggest bushy. Yep, absolutely. So the Nats tried to recruit her and they said, we'll give you a roll gold run in and you can have our pre-selection. We won't do it. And she just told them to go jump and then she ran as an independent. And she won. She gives us a massively hard time.
It's happening more and more. Now, you are obviously the Premier of NSW, which stands for Newcastle, Sydney and Wollongong. What are your feelings about the regions? I know that tree change has been a big thing for people ever since the pandemic, really. It probably started a bit before that when the housing crisis became very evident in about 2017. What are your feelings? Like, some of these towns are beautiful, right? You've got rivers running through them, you've got all this foliage, but you've also got one base hospital for an area the size of Belgium and a 69 year old doctor who's the only person who knows how to deliver a baby. What are we going to do about the regions? Well, a few things.
I mean, firstly, so much of the state's wealth is driven by regional New South Wales, whether it's agriculture or mining, or even as we're moving into critical minerals, like they're at the epicentre of that growth. As a result of that, I think a lot of people in Sydney, and I've only ever lived in Sydney, I'm my electorate's in Sydney, so I have to do a lot of travel to get into the regions to completely understand what's happening. One in three people don't live in Sydney and New South Wales. So what we need to do is make sure that they continue to grow, which is not as hard as you think, because A, there's so many entrepreneurial people that want to start businesses that are prepared to put their own capital in, and then B, make sure that we can put the infrastructure in place so that you can raise a family in regional New South Wales and get a good education and that you've got access to health services.
The health part of it's the hardest bit, primarily because... You'd say that's the hardest bit about services in the bush. It is, and the main reason for that is you're seeing a real centralisation or specialisation in health services, particularly as they get better and better.
So it might be, I don't know, automated robots that are doing keyhole surgeries that cost a lot of money, and you can roll them out to base hospitals, but it's difficult to do under the old model, which was basically you replicate every service in every part of the state, just less of it. So in St. George Hospital in the middle of Cogra, we would have, I don't know, say 20 doctors or something in the ICU and the emergency department. Well, you replicate all those services, but there's only five in a regional community, for example. It doesn't work like that anymore. So what you're saying is the key to staffing up our rural hospitals is to replace them with robots.
Pretty sure I didn't say any of that. Do the robots have God complexes as well? Is that inbuilt or is that something they take out of the robots?
Not currently, but I understand with AI that we're on the way to that. That's exactly what we're on the way to.
No, I was stirring before, but the thing is it's easy to move to the bush and join this wave of people that are now filling up houses, and all the people that were already in the regions and are now having families that are growing in these towns are getting bigger. It's easy to do that with all the technology we do get to enjoy nowadays, particularly after the pandemic. A lot of people who were in the city can now work remotely from the bush. But how do we attract people who have skills that are needed in the bush to move there?
Partly that's happening naturally, as you said, as a result of two things. I mean, just to tell a story, in the election campaign I ran into a fella who was a bit older than I am but had been in a town out of Goulburn for the last 25 years, and he said the first 15 years was a story of decline, so the town elders would talk about, you know, the last person to leave town, can you turn out the light and all that, questions about empty shop fronts, unused land, da-da-da-da, and he goes then, so that was the story for the first 15 years. In the last 10 years it was in Braidwood, so sort of not far out of Queenbury and Canberra. That's where they filmed the Ned Kelly film starring Mick Jagger. Is that right? Anyway, the last 10 years he said the exact opposite, like massively sped up, so other problems, so lack of infrastructure, not enough labour, housing costs through the roof, driving away particularly young people from moving into the town, and he said but it's funny because, you know, 20 years ago we would have killed for these times, but now the time has hit where people want to move to our community, invest capital, grow their businesses, and we're not ready for it. So I think in some ways it's about preparing for the wave and making sure that, you know, to use a surfing metaphor in the bush, that you're on the right side of that wave when it hits, and there's things that we can do to get that going, like one of the main ones is in the planning department in that council, they still had the same, generalising probably a bit, but they had the same person who's responsible for development applications, and they would traditionally do, I don't know, 20 a year, and now there's like five or six times that number, but they've still only got the one person going through it in the same way. And they still have to be carved off a block of land for each DA that goes through as well. Sorry, yeah, wife-sister, I think. If you have any knowledge of any corrupt behaviour, you've got a duty to report it. So yeah, we've got to do better, I think, in helping them get in front of it and ride this opportunity. You mentioned housing there, and there's been, obviously it's ongoing debate for years and years, it's sparked up a little bit recently in terms of Sydney being the city with no grandchildren. What is happening down there?
Is it as bad as everyone says? It's worse.
On any statistic, housing in Sydney is terrible, and we're trying to do something about it, and we're hitting a lot of resistance. The major changes that we're bringing about are density. Sydney is the 830th densest city in the world, and yet by most measures we're in the top five when it comes to being the most expensive. Sydney and Melbourne are roughly the same size, like give or take, Greater Sydney and Greater Melbourne, yet the average house price in Sydney is $500,000 more than Melbourne. And last year, despite the fact that we've got higher... Melbourne's not that bad. Yeah, well Melbourne's about, average house price is $900,000, which is really extremely expensive. Sydney, it's $1.5 million for a house. So unless you get money from Mum or Dad or grandparents or an inheritance, you're not gonna buy in Sydney.
Two weeks ago there was stats that said we're losing twice as many young people to Sydney as we're gaining. Twice as many between the ages of 30 and 40. And that group of people are the ones that start businesses, join communities, coach soccer and football and cricket, baseball, basketball. And if you lose them, then you lose your productive base, and I think you also lose some intangible things, which is your energy and your culture and your sense of, I don't know, excitement in the city.
Do you know what you're up against here though? Do you realise you're up against a swathe of highly, highly vocal men named Bruce and women named Diane, who wear salmon polo shirts and have aged in their mid 60s to early 70s, who have decided they want to live in a terrorist house because they enjoy coffee and they like being near major hospitals but they don't like the sound of live music after 9 p.m.? You've painted a vivid picture there, like I know exactly what he's talking about. Yep.
Who seem to have far more political capital than any of these stupid, meaningless young people. Well I mean if you don't have young people you don't have a future. Cities around the world do it in different ways but no one does it worse than Sydney. They're the facts.
So last year we built 48,000 houses, Melbourne or Victoria built 58,000 even though we've got a larger population. So I do know what we're up against but I do get the sense that for the first time in perhaps decades there's a crack in the wall and that many people are saying, well something's got to change because the costs are just so extreme. And it doesn't mean by the way if you have more supply that everybody's house prices are going to go down. They're likely and largely to stay the same and in fact in some areas if it's rezoned their personal house will go up. It's just that you'll have a whole bunch of new housing on the market that will fit a particular slot which currently we are going nowhere near catering for.
So let's talk about the terrorist house here. Terrorist houses are beautiful, not much light but you know the front and the back room are lovely. They are very much protected by heritage law and so they should be but you know the 40 meters above them isn't protected by heritage law. Why don't we just put a slab over the top of all of these terrorist houses and go up?
Well I know we need to do that in the first case but that might be an option. There's a ton of places where we can do two things in particular. Build unit blocks, not high-rise between medium density as well as new terraces in communities where there are already transport links and transport lines and then other forms of you know high-rise particularly along major transport metro lines. So that's what we're focusing on in the first instance. We call them the missing middle so that not quarter acre blocks and not high-rise but that part in the middle which you know for example large parts of suburbs like Brooklyn and many of that inner ring in Melbourne look like. We don't have them in Sydney. We did. We did and for a while there the city planners were specifically looking at growing Sydney like that. Those can go flats down there. The medium density with a bit of green space in between the blocks. It works really well. People love living in and near it. They're attractive and interestingly they were built to a style and one of the things that we're trialling.
Can I just I'll take it back a step if you don't mind. You know when you were saying earlier what are you up against?
I think we're up against people who are never ever going to change and basically more than happy for house prices to continue to go up. The post-war Caucasian Australians never made a compromise once in their life so you know they're not going to change now especially not in their twilight years. Some of them will never change.
I think there's another group that are just next to that who are like all I've seen in terms of density is crap. All the suburbs that apparently have been densified look terrible to me. I'm not buying it.
Now we've got Legoland. We've got to make a big pitch to them and we've got to go to because I think they're by and large reasonable people and try and say to them if we do this right with open space on public transport lines the housing can look beautiful then you can buy in on a different version of Sydney. Not the one that has been in place previously but something that you can get behind because when people travel to cities not just the big ones like I always mentioned New York and London but even Auckland is a beautiful beautiful city. They do density extremely well and no one would say go what an urban jungle I don't even want to travel there. In fact people say the opposite. Well the one thing that we can all agree will be compromised in all of this is that quarter acre block that everyone's grandparents were able to buy and ride in 1958. That's probably not realistic in a city of six million plus for young families anymore. Well yeah unless you've got millions and millions of dollars. But you're saying we need to recondition a population not only to expect a bit of noise but we also need to recondition a population to think that maybe you have to walk up a flight of stairs or go in a lift and maybe you need to have prams left in the lobby of your building that you now live in and we have to develop a whole new kind of approach to housing in the sense of medium density is going to be the way that we are raising families now. Medium density has got to be part of it and what that would do is allow someone who has a property, mate they're not personally billionaires or major developers in Sydney the opportunity to do something with their own land and one of the ways we're trying to do that and I think this is an innovation that could really work is have an international design competition to have almost an off the shelf patent book approach to a couple of designs. So a villa, a townhouse, a multi-unit dwelling. We want to build them first the government architects organizing the competition and if you build to that pattern then we'll give you an ease of approval through local government through the state government and so I hope people when we finish the designs and they're released to the public that two things happen firstly builders go well I can build that and the component parts of it in theory will be cheaper because they'll be done en masse but there's an aesthetic too and if you look at terrace houses and the things that people love or even the art deco buildings in the eastern suburbs they were all built to a design right and that wasn't just a vibe no it wasn't like every man for himself what are we all going to do it was like I really like that the government encouraged that particular style and we like uniformity like we like looking at it and we like picking up patterns particularly in urban planning so anyway the long this is a long way of saying that some people are never going to change but if we can convince some people oh look urban density can actually be bloody beautiful and fantastic for a city and by the way give young people a place to live that's what we're going for. The other thing I think to this that doesn't seem to be spoken about enough is there were a million empty dwellings on census night and obviously that was because some people were in different places etc etc but research following that showed that there are basically a million empty dwellings around Australia a lot of that seems to come back to the fact that we've turned what was essentially human right into a commodity to be bought and sold and traded and for people to appreciate their wealth obviously it's an asset more than a milestone it's an asset more than a place to you know sleep and live etc etc yeah so obviously your hands are tied a little bit at a state level in terms of what can be done on that front but things like negative gearing and capital gains concession taxes and all that sort of stuff capital gains tax concession sorry changing that stuff to peel back housing from being basically assets back to what it was intended for which is a house a home somewhere for someone to live where do you stand on doing that and bringing about changes that basically stop it being the trading of an asset yeah look i haven't called for it and the main reason for that and like it's the elephant in the room is that the labor party took a big swing at it ran a whole election campaign on it and we got beat twice on that policy and federally yeah so um i'm in the art of the possible and we want to pursue policies that can get mass support and i think the changes that we've announced can do that now if federal labor want to pursue that policy you know that's a matter for them and you know i'll have a look at it if they release it or if they change their mind but a couple of things i've got to say is that people in my position in the past because the density laws and the and the zoning changes have been so difficult because you pick a fight with a lot of communities have gone oh this is all the federal government's fault it's either immigration or it's either uh preferential tax treatments around housing and that gets me off the hook it gets me through interviews like this and i can go on radio and and i can do everything by just saying it's all the federal government's fault problem is it doesn't change anything and so we bit the bullet and went well i could talk about all this stuff till i'm blue in the face but at the end of the day the according to the productivity commission and everyone who's independently looked at it the reason sydney housing is so astronomically out of kilter with the economy and people's ability to pay is that there's not enough housing and can i tell you like this this should paint the picture we produce six houses per one thousand people every 12 months like this is the this is a metric they use so six per one thousand people every 12 months victoria produces eight and queensland produces nine and if you stack that up that's been the case since 1992 so if you stack that up year after year after year after year after year eventually you get these giant spreads where people young people just can't afford to live anymore now you made the mistake premiere of using the term the art of the possible here i want to talk about the culture that you mentioned that we are losing with the biggest city in australia now being a city with our grandchildren are you aware that one in four shop fronts on paramatta road are vacant maybe more i didn't i don't know the number but it wouldn't surprise me so this is back to the land banking thing the value of a commercial property is tied to the yield if no one can afford to rent that place whether that's crown street or indeed oxford street or paramatta road if no one can afford that basically what they're saying what what i'm saying is if you want to open up a pita bread store or a ice cream store in one of these former vibrant uh eat streets or you know shopping precincts you have to be the very best you have to be the massina ice cream with the red rope out the front there's no way you're going to be able to afford it otherwise unless you are absolutely popping and you need to do that consistently because otherwise you're not going to be able to afford the rent and the reason the rent is so high and they won't lower it is because the yield is tied to the value of the property now that just means it's basically a ponzi scheme they're willing to leave these things empty destroy the face of the busiest city in in australia the ones all the most populated city in australia and uh and just sit on it and just sit and wait until i don't know they're ready to sell or whatever they're going to do do you think in when we talk about the art of the possible you could go down this the the path of vancouver and just put an empty properties tax on it because that that also you know if these things are filled up with shop fronts with people who can you know pay a realistic rent then we've got more jobs for young people to live in this city with our grandchildren yeah i mean we don't have plans to do that um i'm not sure of any australian state that's pursued it maybe i'm wrong we have we have other interventions like we've got an invest we've got a foreign investor surcharge of eight percent on and stamp duty and things like that to try and level up the playing field for domestic and international that's that's not what you're talking about i know paramatero is not working and there's a lot of strips and high streets that aren't working in sydney there are i mean we can blame westfield we can blame online shopping but the fact of the matter is people love going to the farmers markets on a saturday why wouldn't they just go to the shops in the you know in a street which is right near where they live yeah i mean the the kind of genealogy of a high street i find really vexing i don't understand why some streets pop and and others just don't and i don't understand the the chemistry of it like um i'd in my own electorate we've got i've got in the adjacent electorate we've got um almost the exact same conditions train station upwardly mobile uh community you know a lot of young professionals and the high street's dead and then two over you've got just the place is pumping and and it attracts a lot more people and probably gets people from the neighboring suburbs i don't understand i don't understand the alchemy of it they're big interventions you know those big uh vacancy taxes and they have all these you know consequences that i'd have to think through as in what we might get voted out by debbie and bruce well that is a concern we always have to think about that boys what we are doing though when it comes to land banking on a lot of these sepp changes is where we're building in use it or lose it provisions because i do accept that for some people for some property developers they make an assumption that the zoning if let's just say it goes from four to eight and then the yield on the property or the value of the property goes up on books you don't have to do anything you have to commit any capital you've got the asset they work on the assumption that it will never drop back down before in fact it could go 10 or 12 right so that's a market right don't do anything with it we're going to put we're building in use it or lose it provisions in the set in the in the proposed changes so therefore yes there's an opportunity for you to build but if you don't it'll revert back to its original zoning which a lot of councils are like great we don't want the zoning anyway so they'll enforce it and i'm hopeful that that drives a lot of the uh the the land banking out of it now you mentioned uh before cities like new york and london and cities like auckland but when you are talking about places like new york and london there's this assumption of economic diversity you know in these places where there's you know migrant communities of brickston or you know the rent control of brooklyn where firemen and nurses and teachers can live uh within 45 minutes of their job what what's the plan in in the city without grandchildren mike baird was very interested in putting blocks of dynamite underneath the social housing towers and just you know creating not only a children a city without grandchildren but also a city without poor people what is your plan to kind of integrate people because we are and every city is the same heading down this path of where we're going to actually have people who've grown up without meeting anyone from the other side of the track even that uh new inner city public school they're building just off redfern on cleveland street uh cleveland street boys high the old the new high rise high school um i'm not sure if it's still the case but when that was opened the catchment of that school ended on cleveland street so the kids from walara were not going to be at school with the poor kids across the road in the red fern and waterloo towers how do you plan on giving people a little bit of a a taste of you know what is out there in a society what's the plan for social housing well a couple of things firstly we made a decision that we're going to have to be our own real estate developers on government land there's a lot of government land the new south wales the taxpayers own and we're going to have to put housing on on a lot of it what are we talking we're talking on the back of berke are we talking well a little bit actually that and that is important that is important for regional communities yeah i get it i understand that but we're talking about mass social now we're talking in sydney now as part of that we've made a decision that 30 of it needs to be social or affordable housing within whatever we build now that's 10 higher than new york an important part of ensuring that we build up our social housing stock in the state i think the light i think the latest figures whether there's 55 000 families or people on the social housing waiting the same monster numbers so that's the first way second secondly we've put tens of millions of dollars into the last budget and i imagine there'll be more in this coming budget for remediation on our housing stock and we're following the same rules so that we're pursuing with our changes to density so we've got a lot of quarter acre blocks that were built in the inner ring of sydney for returning diggers after the second world war in fact there was labour governments in new south wales after the second world war the soldier settlement camps exactly yeah and there was coalition governments in victoria and as a result of that the social housing stock in new south wales is a lot larger than it is in other states because the labour government felt they had a social mission to build social housing the other states didn't the problem is that it didn't continue it hasn't continued since then and for the last 10 years there's either been well two things have happened either it's been comprehensively sold off or it's been run into the ground so the maintenance budget's a mess and um there's certain things there's certain um i think if the toilet's broken they can condemn it you know that was basically um the case in a lot of south sydney so yeah run into the ground and we've we've got actually the albanese government's given us hundreds of millions of dollars which have to go exclusively into social housing so i'm getting so basically 30 on government land we've put millions along with the commonwealth government into rehabilitating our existing housing stock we're doing a massive build to rent program in the new south wales south coast and the north coast the government owned those those blocks um or is that going to be we're partly funding them um and we're doing with social housing providers in different ones in the north coast and the south coast and there's more to come so we're not done yet okay now clancy we've um we've got caught in the old sydney trap where we just start talking about property oh yeah we never stop um love a dinner party in sydney yeah we probably need to move on to property prices and setting some what's moving how much would a queenslander you know in brisbane like if you go to brisbane one of those queensleaders how much would they see you yeah some of those nice ones that cheap moving on to some real issues mr albanese's box um we believe you are in that group chat chris what's the plan barley long weekend uh afl grand final and our all grand final weekend in barley i don't know i don't know i'm not i'm not sure what his vibe would be i mean it'd be some kind of australian music thing he'd do i'm sure he'd use his chops as the prime minister to get i don't know who he's nick cave i think's potentially going really yeah well what's what's the protocol about getting one of your friends to perform though nobody's my friend but i presume the prime minister knows nick cave nick cave would know every australian prime minister intimately i would have been and he'll i don't think he'll perform i mean maybe he'll be like feeling himself in the little in the corner doing a little thing here and there but he's probably not going to perform for the bucks party but i guess you don't get that many oh you just don't get much aussie rock in bar i suppose some of those in barley you can go to those like walkabout bars where they just play called chisel non-stop i've never been to have you i've never been to barley i actually haven't been to indonesia seven times chris going for my eighth this year you know as a uh young did you grow up in perth no no i grew up in regional Queensland it was just part of the mining boom so yeah you just you try and get there every kind of six months or so it's like a fire phobe maybe you are balinese and you're like flying in flying out to australia well yeah a bit of that i did consider at one point just setting up there but look if you guys yeah is it good is it fun like i a lot you know what a lot of people from sydney have done that there was like the bondi to bar and a barley crowd that was a wave of all the um you know of all the the original yoga crowd but also a lot of like those uh surfy lads from uh kuji south of granola have all gone over there and set up have they yeah they just surf and they uh build villas and um have business partners over there yeah i don't know whether i'd go to barley maybe well you have to for the buck surely oh it's hard to get the weekend in do you reckon he'd do his vip jet or we'd all have to get jetstar over what do i call it toto one yeah um no no mind you what was that one the other day quarters had to get all those swifties to sydney from melbourne the swifty express the swifty express they brought out an a380 did you go to taylor swift no no i missed that um that hysteria but it was interesting right watching that uh because what does she do she did more shows in sydney than melbourne well look we had over 100 tabs open in the newsroom when the tickets went on sale we just couldn't get them you didn't get any no we with laptops phones computers yeah we just couldn't well i mean everyone wants did that take you back that that taylor mania that took over the city did that take you back to your heyday and i'm not gonna you know accuse you of anything here but i imagine you were a bit of a fun boy during the olympics you know down there in darlin harbor dancing whatever that taylor mania made it look like sydney had a few grandchildren yeah uh made it look like a vibrant city it's a shame it's only four days every eight years every 12 months yeah i was brisbane brisbane's got the olympics within reach now yeah and you can actually feel that vibe they're going so hard on on vibrance and culture and it's been coming for a while they had the big sound you know music trying to pitch themselves a bit of austin atlanta type uh what's your plan to get the cross and and you know and darlin harbor and oxford street ripping again we do have detailed plans so everything from ufc to annual events the focus for us like genuinely is to try and get something on the calendar every year so like if you're a ufc nut then you know that they have the numbered event in sydney and you can kind of save for it prepare for it get to your friend's gonna knock out some sort of hungarian person in front of you yeah well that didn't happen but the opposite happened but anyway but you know that the the the annual events are the best ones because i'll tell you why because the by the third year we know what we're doing the promoter knows what they're doing the fan knows what they're doing and basically it's just repeat business and victoria does that pretty well actually because they've got you know afl grand final f1 blah australian open whereas we've been going for i don't know bayan munich versus sydney fc for one time i'm not saying i'm not knocking that that's probably a great event if you loved it but it's very hard to build your event calendar around it so we're doing things like that trying to get to a more long distance view and have um things that people can build their their lives around um but can i tell you the main the main thing we're trying to do is i i don't know if you can predict trends or what's going to be the next artist you just need young people and you need young people in your city and which goes back to our original thing getting back to property prices unless you have young people in your city it's not going to be a fun city so imagine this albanese box is going to be fine because it's a bunch of people middle-aged men who go to bali to i don't know do unspeakable things yeah yeah get as pissed as humanly possible and listen to the cave but imagine four blokes imagine they're in between us you know four dorks could come from england they could come from brisbane they land in sydney of a friday afternoon yeah what are you telling them to do um well a few things i think the best the most magical thing about sydney is the national parks that surround it like it is properly unique and completely underappreciated and like if because you come into sydney and the airport's in the middle you don't really appreciate it if you kind of were stumbling across sydney and you went through this thick national park and then you stumbled across this it's almost like the lost city of atlantis or something like it's it's it's very unique and it means that wherever you're staying you're equidistant to a very close pristine wilderness now that is almost impossible to replicate anywhere else in the world and so i would say to people and i do it i try and do it a lot with my kids just get into a national park like it and and the fact that you can go bushwalking have someone to eat um see world-class sites and then go and have a lunch on the harbour like it's it's unbelievable and then as the sun sets you can go to a pub that haven't cleaned the carpet for like three years and it's just run off pokie money yeah i guess you get the casino too yeah we're working on that too i just went down the south coast as well like this isn't in sydney but down the south coast i tell i tell to people right in marim in marimbula you can surf in the morning and you can ski in the afternoon on the same day have lunch in the middle yeah two hours from each other there's maybe five places in the whole world where you could do that it's it's it's i i think we kind of skate by on how beautiful it is at first glance and not realize that even underneath the surface it's even better i want to give you a shout out there for just don't get cynical about it boys it's a properly awesome city yeah yeah no no we had plenty of fun down there now there is an issue though there is an issue with homebush and i know he's been pantsed by homebush multiple times for matilda's games or whatever when getting out yeah what's what's the go there do you think maybe the geographical center of sydney as it's been pitched might not be that accessible well i think the city is big enough to have a few venues like that is going homebush is going to be our big barn for major events and it does do that job like the old olympic stadium i was telling someone yesterday actually in a budget meeting it's come in handy recently because we got four nights of taylor swift we got most of the matilda's games we've got all the finals for the world cup you know there's the bladders like they have to come to sydney because there's not many places that have that gigantic stadium and that's not too dissimilar to um wembly in london which is not any team's home ground but is the national their national team's home ground yeah twickenham sort of does a similar thing so we need it and basically you need the space for a big event i think it kind of works well with the the more part changes as well which is smaller a bit more intimate um we're trying to get more concerts and cultural events in both of them couple pubs wouldn't hurt yeah i've looked at that big bar they've got going out there seems to be doing all right and as as clancy mentioned i've been to a few events out there um you can't get very out there presumably i'm not you can get beer you can do all that i reckon the swifties went to the hotel concord for a slap a couple of jars lincoln hotel i think that's where most of them work but the the transport out there is often okay there's there seems to be more and more vendors popping up particularly around the matilda's game you know it's good you fly down from queenland you go out there you get a taste of some food vendors around there there's a great vibe the thing that seems to happen every single time i've been out there and it perplexes me and i i get pretty perplexed at about i don't know midnight maybe after a few beers and i'm kind of standing out the front of um home bush station in a in a cattle crush moving along there's four platforms at that station yep and there only ever seems to be one train coming every five maybe seven maybe eight minutes right with what seems like 20 30 000 people trying to get onto the train yeah why is there never enough trains for events that are always forecast to have anywhere between 50 60 70 80 100 000 people the greatest bin fire was luke coombs the same night as matilda's yeah that was a fucking shit show yeah i was i was at the game and then um and then i got a call uh at about 11 saying it's going bad and my driver drove me back to home bush and i was on the station to one o'clock in the morning apologizing to people and luke coombs fans were going what are you talking about yeah i guess those are two different demographics in home bush that um and that's fantastic and that's appreciated that was a disaster and and it was not good it was just a shocker um it was really it was a really bad night oh look it was a signals failure just everything went bad at the same time in terms of the four platforms and the um the train i don't like i'm not a expert when trains but there's four platforms i think there's only one track so they'd all run into each other if okay yeah so logistically could we look at getting a couple of tracks just outside so for other stations around the world it seems like they have the trains waiting there it's like bang pull up bang pull up and they roll yeah i can look at it i mean i it's a branch line so so it goes lidcombe home bush and then back to lidcombe yeah and it was kind of built that way um we are investing 26 billion dollars on that metro west line so that'll go from hunter street to westmead and we've got big plans for the um you know a whole bunch of housing along it we've got an mou with the atc for rose hill i mean i know when cities grow um oftentimes you get kind of not settlements but outposts and then over time you fill in the gaps fill in between the bones that's what we will do in in that part of sydney and that inner west run along the paramatta river we'll have a lot more people a lot more young people it'll have the the brand new world-class metro line and um i reckon it'll be an awesome place to live but we're not there yet i accept that we're not there yet we've you've given us a lot of time thank you you've been very generous um especially considering we've just kind of thrown a lot of um hospital passes at you but i do want to ask what has there's a lot of positivity coming out of you and a lot of plans but what has been the toughest thing to get over the line that you believe you needed to get over the line um oh the real the tough thing is the the economy right now like the two hits of inflation and interest rates and then it just puts pressure on everyone it makes um our workers unhappy because they can't pay their mortgage pretty good reason to be unhappy or can't pay your rent and it puts pressure on you know the government to come to the table come up with solutions and the whole world's going through it so oh you know i'd love to get through that inflation interest rate you know meeting we've got to try and move our way through that it's really hard really really hard and i can i just feel for people as well because they can't work any harder it's not like you can add another day to the week and put in a few more hours driving a new but like you just can't do anything more and and yeah so that drives me a bit nuts i'm really hopeful starts to work inflation starts to drop and people can keep more of the money that they the golfers seem to have a bit of an issue with you that looked like it was a hard one to get over the line the fact that you're going to be minimizing golf courses uh for for housing i guess chris chavez over here we're not we're not putting housing on on that that's some of the golfers charge on us but we're not actually doing that so um what is the arm i haven't actually been tuned in i just saw so we're taking there's the moor park golf course downtown sydney it's 18 holes we're reducing it to nine and we're giving the other nine back to the community community park green space yep and i i was talking to paul keating actually about barangaroo like he he really drove barangaroo it was it was effectively his idea and i was talking about it and he went like it's a place where people can go he goes down there imagine paul keating just sitting on a rock looking at families and stuff but anyway he goes there and he said you don't spend any money you can turn up on a ferry i guess you pay a nominal amount for that and you can take your your friends who've come from overseas doesn't cost you anything and it's just world-class and beautiful and i thought well that's true and that's what downtown parks can give you and yeah we've got a lot of them we've got satania we've got a barangaroo but basically if you're going to have density you can't have enough because that's that's i think that kind of that mix of high-rise business commerce and then just a beautiful park all within a really tight is what makes cities beautiful well there it is there it is and just one last question chris on a no on a more um but i believe two years sober yes you are yep just wanted to ask you about how that's been navigating political life like obviously there obviously in federal parliament you have to get as pissed as possible every single night yeah and mix you know mix your booze with whatever and you're also you know in i assume a lot of conversations with people all the time sometimes those conversations might be painful and would be made easier by a cold schooner or a yeah you gotta you do have to a friend of mine did it before me and he said you got to work on your chat game like your social interaction because because if you drink if you're drinking then it's like a lot easier it comes out of you but the rizz has gone up yeah yeah we've got to work on that i reckon well honestly it's been life-changing for me major difference to everything all parts of my life i um i've probably i was leaning on it too heavily and i was talking to my wife after i'd given it up and she's like yeah i thought you might come to that conclusion i didn't you know she didn't want to say anything to me about it i wish she did but look jokes aside it was massive a massive positive difference for me so i don't it's not for everybody but um feel happier feel more energetic i feel i used to wake up in the morning and dread the day it'd kind of lift by about 10 o'clock yeah but first thing in the morning i'll be like what have i got on today i'm gonna get belted here and here and here and here and now i wake up and i'm not euphoric or anything like that i'm just ready ready to go and i just for me i i can't go back for other people would be different i don't regret any of my my drinking days like i had the best times i had so many great memories and i had experiences that i probably wouldn't have had if i didn't drink you know because you just wouldn't be in the in the in the vibe i guess so i don't regret it i'm not saying it was terrible or i did bad things or anything like that but for me right now it's just life-changing yeah well we kind of actually to be fair we kind of expect it of a premiere to just not be on the piss yeah um that's another you know it was like when skymo went on holidays everyone was like we didn't think you were allowed to man like not only do we not think you deserve one you don't think you're allowed one like yeah you know you're in charge of things um so it's good that's good to hear mate congratulations yeah no it's good it's good and i i talk about it and people say just shut up about it you're evangelizing too much so maybe it's not for everyone but for me well um well you know thanks for joining us thanks and you know this is an early this has been an early interview which you could have only done fresh and sober are you guys fresh yeah feeling a little bit fresh yeah in the scheme what time do you get up in the morning uh ice bath guy over here so yeah he's up at 5 am yeah i'm down do you really do an ice bath plunge yeah cold plunge um unfortunately i've been told i can't keep calling them ice baths they don't meet the technical level of what's his name wimhoff yeah no so i'm not at that i'm at the the cold plunge one of my one of my mates is a wimhoff guy and on our group chat is constant photos of wimhoff and cold plungers and that sounds like a wimhoff guy but he posts it he posts all these no one's interested but he posts a lot of him coming out of ice baths yeah it's pretty wild with the shakes the group chat was called wimhoff for a while yeah has anyone else got taken it up have you taken up the ice baths no no giving up alcohol is enough yeah i've done my bit for humanity i'm not gonna keep yeah i'll get into crossfit next give up grog get into crossfit saunas as well yeah that's right jim charm is on the battle ropes um thank you for joining us we'll let you go thanks boys thanks Chris what is neon i haven't actually been tuned in i just saw so we're taking there's there's the moor park golf course downtown sydney it's 18 holes we're reducing it to nine and we're giving the other nine back to the community community parkland green space yep and i i was talking to paul keating actually about barangaroo like he he really drove barangaroo it was it was effectively his idea and i was talking about it and he went like it's a place where people can go he goes down there imagine paul keating just sitting on a rock looking at families and stuff but anyway he goes there and he said you don't have to spend any money you can turn up on a ferry i guess you pay a nominal amount for that and you can take your your friends who've come from overseas doesn't cost you anything and it's just world-class and beautiful and i thought well that's true and that's what downtown parks can give you and yeah we've got a lot of them we've got satanic we've got a barangaroo but basically if you're going to have density you can't have enough because that's that's i think that kind of that mix of high-rise business commerce and then just a beautiful park all within a really tight is what makes cities beautiful well there it is there it is and just one last question chris on a no on a more um maybe it's a personal note but i believe two years sober yes you are yep just wanted to ask you about how that's been navigating political life like obviously there obviously in federal parliament you have to get as pissed as possible every single night yeah and mix you know mix your booze with whatever else and you're also you know in i assume a lot of conversations with people all the time sometimes those conversations might be painful and would be made easier by a cold schooner or a yeah you gotta you do have to a friend of mine did it before me and he said you got to work on your chat game like your social interaction because because if you drink if you're drinking then it's like a lot easier but the reason's gone up yeah yeah we've got to work on that i reckon well honestly it's been life-changing for me major difference to everything all parts of my life i um i've probably i was leaning on it too heavily and um i was talking to my wife after i'd given it up and she's like yeah i thought you might come to that conclusion i didn't you know she didn't want to say anything to me about it i wish she did but look joke society was massive a massive positive difference for me so i don't it's not for everybody but um feel happier feel more energetic i feel i used to wake up in the morning and dread the day it'd kind of lift by about 10 o'clock yeah but first thing in the morning i'll be like what have i got on today i'm going to get belted here and here and here and here and now i wake up and i'm not euphoric or anything like that i'm just ready ready to go and i just for me i i can't go back for other people would be different i don't regret any of my my drinking days like i had the best times i had so many great memories and i had experiences that i probably wouldn't had if i didn't drink you know because you just wouldn't be in the in the in the vibe i guess so i don't regret it i'm not saying it was terrible or i did bad things or anything like that but for me right now it's just life changing yeah well we kind of actually to be fair we kind of expected of a premiere to just not be on the piss yeah um that's another you know it was like when skymo went on holidays everyone was like we didn't think you were allowed to man like not only do we not think you deserve one you don't think you're allowed one like yeah you know you're in charge of things um so it's good that's good to hear mate congratulations yeah no it's good it's good and i i talk about it and people say just shut up about it you're evangelizing too much so yeah maybe it's not for everyone but for me well um well you know thanks for joining us thanks and you know this is an early this has been an early interview which you could have only done fresh and and sober are you guys fresh yeah feeling a little bit fresh yeah in the scheme what time do you get up in the morning uh ice bath guy over here so uh yeah he's up at 5 a.m yeah i'm down do you really do an ice bath uh plunge yeah cold plunge um unfortunately i've been told i can't keep calling them ice baths they don't meet the technical level of what's his name wimhoff yeah no so i'm not at that i'm at the the cold plunge one of my one of my mates is a wimhoff guy and on our group chat is constant photos of wimhoff and cold plunges and that sounds like a wimhoff guy that he posts it he posts all these no one's interested but he posts a lot of him coming out of ice baths yeah it's pretty wild with the shakes the group chat was called wimhoff for a while yeah has anyone else got taken it up have you taken up the ice baths no no giving up alcohol is enough yeah i've done my bit i've done my bit for humanity i'm not going to keep yeah well i'll get into crossfit next give up grogg get into crossfit saunas as well yeah that's right jim charm is on the battle ropes um thank you for joining us we'll let you go thanks boys thanks |
CrackerMilk | our_favourite_videos_of_2022 | Right. It has come to my attention that kilos of heroin have gone missing from the evidence locker. Now I don't know which one of you it was, but I intend to get to the bottom of it. Chief, I saw Officer Nick handling evidence for hours in the locker. Is that true? Yes, but that's because I work in evidence.
It's clearly Elias. Hey, Elias has been working very hard undercover at the opioid factory. He is clearly very tired.
But you guys break the law all the time. Police brutality is one thing, but stealing from the evidence locker? I mean, you could have just asked. You have to throw the full weight of the law at you. Four weeks suspension. Full pay. Now Elias, I know you're tired, mate, but you're the best damn cop we've got. I need you out there on the beat, mate. Can you do it for me?
Whose phone is that? It's Elias! Elias! Elias, are you all...
No, you hung up. You'll call back. Oh, here he is now.
Oh, got your nose! Give it back. Give it back, that's my nose. Why would you take my nose? It's not actually your nose, it's just my... Yeah, you want to take someone's nose, then I'll take your nose.
Yeah, how does it feel Connor? How does it feel?
Your little slime ball, your little curly head rat, your little cuck, I've got your nose. This isn't your nose!
It's just my thumb! Yeah, it's my thumb too. Yeah, it's just a thumb.
It's okay.
Don't fucking do that again. All the funds go to Dad and his belts, and we really support that.
And please, just for two dollars you could donate. And you could help us. You could help us.
This is a war zone! Keep your head down!
Don't say it. Whatever you do. Don't say it.
To be honest Dad, it's been really hard lately. I haven't been feeling okay. I can't really get out of bed. My room's a mess. I barely eat. Feels like it's all becoming a little too much, you know?
Have you tried, I don't know, cheering up? Cheering up? Oh my god, I just have to cheer up? I feel amazing already! I feel like a star! Cheering up has helped me reach enlightenment.
Fucking millennials. So yeah, I had four flat tires, but I thought, let's do the road trip again. A margarita pizza. Thank you. Grazie, grazie. When the moon meets your eye like a big pizza bar, that's what it is. When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine, that's what it is.
So this is my bedroom. Feel free to lay down, make yourself comfortable.
I'll be right back. Where? Don't be silly! Run! I'm back! Why do they always leave? Hi.
Do you like the content we're pumping out here at Cracka Milk? Are you subscribed? You're not subscribed? Subscribe now!
Come on, you little coward! Do it! Come on, you little piece of shit! Hey, man, cheer up!
Yeah, okay. Yeah! What the fuck, man? What?
Oh my god, I'm so sorry. You just knocked over my mum's air ashes. My dad is going to be so pissed at you.
That's him. He just rocked up in his air Corvette. Quick, take my air keys and drive my air Toyota Corolla out of here. Okay.
Out the back door! The air back door? No, it's just a fucking back door.
Sorry. What the hell is this mess?
My air guitar! My wife!
Can you stop moaning? I thought it was you.
Hey, babe. I'm hungry. How long have you been hungry for? Aw, just like 17 minutes and 33 seconds. That's okay, I'll describe you something from the fridge. Babe? Babe, there's no food in the house. But I'm hungry. I know, I know. I'm hungry. I'm really hungry. Okay.
I hate you! Why are you doing this to me? Babe, I got you a chilli! You have failed me and now I'm going to eat you!
G'day, mate. How are ya? Oh yeah, g'day officer. I'm good, thanks. How are you? Woah, woah, woah.
Calm down, mate. Calm down. Okay, I'm calm. I'm calm.
I'm gonna need you to do a random drug test. For the drug test, I need a urine sample.
Do you comply? Fine. What the fuck?
So resistive! I'm not resisting!
I need backup!
What's going on here? He's trying to make me piss in his mouth! Oh my god.
Another victim. Blue balls. Jesus Christ! What is that, mate? Five? Six loads? It's the worst case I've ever seen. What sort of sick son of a bitch would do something like this?
I thought it was a myth! My friends told me it was a sexist lie! Get that sucker out of here! No, no!
He was just one nut from retirement. And that's why you should suck me off. Congratulations. You've got a new shot at life. Follow me to the lab. Relax, and I'll see you soon. Oh! Welcome back. Let's go for a walk.
Looks like only 10% of you have got the notification bell on. Well, that's not going to work. You've got to put the notification bell on if you want to see when we've got content up.
So go on, click on it now. You! Yes, I'm talking to you!
Fuck it, I'm telling you to fucking put the belt on. I'll fucking get it off. Fucking Jesus Christ, I'll turn the fuck...
So, this is my apartment. And this is my housemate.
Hi! Oh my gosh, Emily. You're so much cuter than you were saying. I know! He might be a keeper! Hey, I just wanted to ask.
Every night we love to play video games in our underwear for a couple of hours. It's just more comfortable that way.
Is that okay? I guess it'll have to be. Just wait right here. Okay. Yeah, we'll get ready.
Yes!
You found our Pops. We love Pops. Don't you love Pops? Don't you want to be a part of our collection?
We could keep you forever! Hey babe, would you still love me if I was a worm? What? Would you still love me if I was a worm?
Yeah. Really? Yeah. How? I'd find nutrient-dense soil and feed you vegetable scraps. Really? Yeah.
Okay, get the soil ready. That was incredible, baby. How did you do that?
I'm honestly having such a good time. Oh, me too. I'm loving it.
Yeah, it's just kind of like weird. Because when I checked my crystals this morning, it said that it wasn't going to work out. But I just think they're wrong.
So like, what star sign are you? Star sign?
Uh, I know it. It's um, just um... Why are you shaking your leg like that? Nervous habit. It's just... One sec. What's the problem?
He needs to know his star sign. Jesus Christ. Say you're uh, Scorpio. Scorpio? Oh cool, I love Scorpios.
So do you want to do this again sometime? Oh, absolutely. Hey, why don't you come back to mine?
We can listen to the new Joe Rogan. He's got Andrew Tate on.
Um... We can share my vape. Um... I'm going to go get a fork. Very funny.
What? Are you serious right now?
Yeah, it's okay. You'll have it.
No, stop. This is so embarrassing. Oh my god. No.
You know what? When we get home, I think that I want your stuff out of the house. Because I don't know how to use chopsticks? If your dad were alive right now, he would be so ashamed of you. What? You don't know how to use chopsticks? I raised you better than that. You're alive? Everyone!
Doesn't know how to use chopsticks.
Fork boy, fork boy, fork boy, fork boy. Excuse me, can I please have a fork?
Ugh. It's quite tricky. I'm bored.
Take your pants off. What? Take your pants off. Okay.
It's glowing blue. It normally only glows blue when there's...
Orks around. Ugh. Looks like me's back on the menu, boys. Ugh. Quick, take my air keys. Did you know that thing had more than some broken story when he kicked that out of it? |
dropout | we_know_you_re_on_the_toilet_ch_shorts | Hey baby, Big Daddy Raffi here. I want to take a minute to talk to you, the viewer. I know your secret, the one you don't want nobody to know about. You see, Big Daddy Raffi knows that if you watch this video, you are doing so on the toilet. Don't worry that I called you out, just relax and enjoy the ride, baby. That's right. Every day around this time, you take a break to tune out with a squad on the pot.
That's your time to catch up on some uninterrupted light reading, which in 2018 means watching videos on the internet. Videos are the new books, baby. Oh yeah, see right now you're wondering how long is this video going to take. You were just scrolling by aimlessly, not looking for anything in particular until you came across this video with a strange title that so accurately articulated everything that you're doing right now.
And you thought, hell, if I don't like it, I could just watch something else. Keep them options open, baby. But you still here reading the subtitles, hoping you don't accidentally hit the volume button so everybody know that you're watching videos on the porcelain throne. Well, I want you to know it's all right with me, baby. Everybody watches videos on the toilet sometimes. I don't care where you're watching.
I'm just happy that you're finally taking some time for yourself. And for those out there watching this without me, here goes a special message just for you. I love you. You freaky sexy volume on babies. Smells good.
Not like what you're doing, I bet. I'm just kidding. I know you're not in the studio dropping beats. The studio being a bathroom and beats being your poo.
That takes too much concentration. Nah, you've been done for a while. But now, you're just waiting until this video is over. Ain't nothing wrong with that, baby. You helping my completion rate. And a special shout out goes to the girl that's still watching Warjumper.
You're in for the long haul. So feel free to flip that phone from vertical to horizontal. If your hands start feeling tired or if you're worried about your proximity to the crappertrapper, just find a nice, clean surface to set it down. Just don't, just don't, just don't forget the clock, write the phone down later. Oh, yeah.
Right about now, you're asking yourself, Big Daddy Raffy, how can you know so much? How can you keep predicting my every move?
Well, baby, I've been on the toilet this whole time. Just like you. And that was just a courtesy flush. I ain't done yet. I bet you don't have to flip that. There's no toilet paper in here?
Uh-huh. You didn't. I had to do the same thing. |
dropout | but_seriously_pokemon_go_to_the_polls | In the circus of politics, we've had countless opportunities to make stupid jokes. But now, the time for laughter is over.
This is an important and historic election. The stakes have never been higher. So please, Pokemon Go to the polls. Many months ago, Hillary Clinton said this. I don't know who created Pokemon Go, but I'm trying to figure out how we get them to have Pokemon Go to the polls. Many have forgotten her impassioned plea for young people to Pokemon Go to the polls. But we haven't. So please, Pokemon Go to the polls.
I know it might seem far-fetched that one vote would make a difference. And that's why we decided to write you this piece. Votes are the girders that support our whole democracy. Show the world that we care about more than just our phones and video games. We vote, W-E-V-O-T-E.
If elected, Donald Trump shows every sign of ruling as a tyrant, dominating others through fear or intimidation. He wants to cloister the U.S. away with a policy of isolationism. He wants to negate the Paris climate agreement. He claims to represent the common man while he lives in a goldine tower. Every day, a new ignorant statement spews from his mouth. He even encourages Russian espionage against his opponents.
It'll be a gloomy day if he's ever elected. Don't let that happen. Pokemon Go to the polls. Hillary Clinton is the only candidate seeking office who can competently execute the duties of the presidency. She will shelter our tired and poor, ditto to the huddled masses yearning to be free, and hound our enemies abroad. But we need your vote to seal the deal. To ring the victory bell. Yes, Clinton is very likely to win, but we don't want to jinx it. Beware of overconfidence. Yes, Donald Trump is way behind in the polls, but there's a chance he might pull ahead. We have to get serious. So seriously, Pokemon Go to the polls.
I know many folks feel trapped between two bad choices. You think Clinton is crabby, boring, don't elect a buzzkill like her, you don't see her charm and her kindness, she doesn't excite you, you even wanted to elect Ross Perot back in 1992, that's fine, but we can't go let Trump into office. His policies will harm you, harm America, and harm you too. Does Clinton have, no, we all heard her awful Pokemon joke. But she is right on so many issues we can overlook some ghastly puns.
Remember, you don't have to tell anyone who you voted for. There's a curtain at your polling place so no one can peek at you.
Pickle, pickle. Finally, I asked you one last time, will you Pokemon Go to the polls? And participate in the most important part of living in the land of the butter free and the home of the bravery. There's never been a more important election. Bit of Mr. Mime, Squirtle, hit my chain, hit my lease, nor a lax dra- Gotta catch em all! Pokemon! |
dropout | Confusing_Headset_Phone_Call | to the College Humor podcast. If you're watching this on Dropout, we love you. We love you so much. And if you're watching this on our CH2 YouTube channel, you can catch us on Dropout like earlier.
Two weeks earlier. Two whole weeks earlier.
Maybe you could catch up before we even make the podcast episode. Just hearing our flittering thoughts and our brain about how much we love each other and how much we love Just hearing our flittering thoughts and our brain.
I'm your host for today. I'm Tao Yang. I'm a cast member here. And why don't we just go down the line and intro ourselves. My name is Janie Stoller, and I'm a branded writer. I'm super excited to be here today. My name is Frankie McLafferty. I'm a producer. And I feel great and ready to do this. Yeah, you are. Hello, everyone. My name is Katie Marovitch. I'm also a cast member. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.
So how's everyone doing? How's everyone doing this week?
I mean, Katie's doing iconically. This haircut is together for.
Can we talk about it? I would love to talk about it. Is this a lob?
This is actually, so my hair has already grown a lot. My hair grows. So I'm a big cereal consumer. And as such, I drink a lot of milk. Not on purpose, but. You think the milk helps your hair grow strong? Well, I'm telling it. But yeah, so what happens is I eat a lot of cereal, drink a lot of milk, just because I'm eating the cereal. And then it causes my nails and my hair to grow very quickly.
So this is actually several inches. I got it cut last week. Several inches longer now. Oh my god. I need a trim. My bangs need to be trimmed. Frigging Rapunzel over here.
I am. I truly am.
It's wild how much I shed, too. So she said also the milk caused her hair to fall out. So that's the lupus. I also have an autoimmune disorder either or, yeah.
Wow, you couldn't cut your hair because of Kingpin Katie, right? That's right, Jamie's show. Yeah, so if you guys don't know, check it out on Dropout. Kingpin Katie is about me. Katie came up with the title. I did.
And then I wasn't allowed to be in it. And I wasn't allowed to cut my hair during it.
You have a couple of cameos, right? One. I think one. Yeah.
We didn't even have generators or anything.
It was the energy of your hair is what powered the set. So it was really nice camaraderie on set. We had a great shoot.
Oh, wow. You did?
How was it like being in every single scene? It was exhausting.
I bet. It seems like it. Seems like it would be.
But rewarding at the end today. So yeah, thanks, guys. You're welcome.
Yeah, let's hear it for Jamie.
You guys, it's honestly, it looks great. Everyone who worked on it is awesome. So just excited for my brand.
Yeah. Yeah, that's great. Well, how is everyone doing this week? Oh, god.
I was afraid you'd ask that. I actually had nothing, but I would like to hear from Frankie. But that's funny, because you were just talking before the podcast about how people do that. And then you're like, no, I don't want to talk about it.
It's true. But I truly didn't. That's my normal reaction.
I didn't have a story. I didn't have a follow-up.
How are you doing? Oh, god. OK, so Katie's normal. Yeah. Katie's doing very well. Katie's doing great. Yeah.
I also don't want to talk about it. You guys wouldn't understand. And no one wants to hear this. I don't.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure.
Will you DM us later? I will DM you later with the details.
OK, great, great, great, great. Do you need anything? Or is it like? Well, OK. Do you want to? No, it's fine. Do you want to?
Oh, tail. Tail.
Me, I'm an open book. You know how sometimes you feel like you're in a dream? Yeah. That's what I kind of feel like right now. I feel like I'm in a dream. Do you feel dizzy? Not dizzy. I just feel like it's just like when you're kind of tired, but you're also energetic. And it's like, I feel like I'm in a walking dream kind of thing. Interesting. That's how I feel. I'm on a bunch of antidepressants. And I feel exactly the same way. I feel like I'm always in a little cloud. But I don't hate it. I often feel like I'm in a nightmare often.
You should do what I do. You guys are in dreams. Yes, actually, yeah. We should switch.
This just reminded me that I think I had a dream about college humor last night. Maybe that's why you think you're in the dream. Because you dream about work. You talked about this. Do you guys ever dream about work? It's like kind of a, it's always, no matter what the content of the dream is, I always wake up and I'm like, oh, why am I dreaming about work?
This sucks. Yeah, it's sort of like, oh my god, my life is so boring.
Yes. I think my dream was I was sitting at my desk, and someone gave me a chocolate. It might have been you, Katie.
I don't know. I don't remember.
Like a big piece of chocolate. And then a trap was in my dream and was like, hey, do you want to split it? And I was like, yeah, of course. I'll split it with you. And instead of ripping the chocolate in half, I bit it in half. And he got really mad at me for it.
You know what that means. What does it mean, Janie? You're about to fall into a lot of money. Yes. That's what that means.
Any time you dream about chocolate and biting chocolate, money. A mundane dream where you bite chocolate means you're about to be very wealthy.
And do you think it comes from a raise or something? As trap is my boss.
Yes. Because you're sharing it with him. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Profound. Wow.
I hope it's a lot. I hope it's a lot, too.
This is my way of asking for a raise. That's good. I think I deserve one.
I just started at the shop a few months ago. Everyone commented. Have you been here for how many months, Janie? I've been here for, I think, five months.
Five months raise time. Raise time. Big time.
Comment below if you think I should deserve a raise. With how much money he should get.
Yes. Comment below. Yes. Yeah.
Comment below how much money you think I should get and then what percent do you think that is on my salary. $100,000 on a 10% bond. I love it. We should all be able to vote on how much money everybody makes and who gets to be famous. What a beautiful idea. Every year, we should be able to renew famous contracts.
Like, if you're done with someone, you're like, we don't want to see them anymore. But who would be fun to see? Let's try them out.
Also, this coach makes this much money. And this janitor should make that much money.
That's great. Yes. I'm so glad you said that. Thank you.
Let me ask you. If that were to come around right now, who would you vote? Who would you vote to no longer be famous? I would you like to vote. Fantastic question.
This is reliable. They've had their time. They've made their money. Every single Kardashian and offshoot.
I am so done. Thank you so much. I am so sick of them.
As someone who follows pop culture, reality TV, we all do. They're being forced down my throat. And I have refused every second to care. And I still know too much about them.
I want to say, it's almost like the electoral college where we're like, I didn't vote for this. Yes. I would say the media that they pay to get their stories in the press is the electoral college. And they have too much power. And we, the people, are done. I don't think we're alone in that. I think probably most people feel that way. Yes.
But who should be famous enough? Who's not?
Female athletes. Yes. Oh my god. 100% soccer players.
I love people who do nice things. Yeah. Teachers. Teachers should be famous. I've never seen someone go viral being like, I did something really nice and like gay. I mean, maybe sometimes you do. I know.
But it's always a very sad story.
Just kind of like Rekha's sketch about this, where it's like the teacher that gave her kids like school supplies because they didn't have it. It's like, oh my god, why aren't the kids able to have the school supplies?
Yes, that person should be famous. And should make a lot of money.
I agree. Comment below if you agree.
Comment below with who should be famous. Like tag your friends, et cetera. Yeah. Do you guys have any friends who should be famous? Do you have any friends? Who should be?
No, you don't. You're all losers. I don't have any friends.
Janie, you have a friend. Who? Katie? Yeah. Katie, is this true? I don't know. Frankie? Don't put me on the spot like this. Tao, don't make this awkward, OK? Jesus. Me? Frankie? Are we, do you want to be friends?
Are we good? I think we're good. We're friends. We're good.
All right, I have friends. I still don't want to comment. No, it's fine. OK, great. I have two. Zero to two in a second. This has been the best five minutes of my life. Yeah.
Do you guys have any famous friends? Or friends who should be famous?
Oof.
You know what? No. They're all being asked the same question. They're all just saying Katie. Well, that's the main thing.
Not a single one of them deserves it. I find it rude when people I know get famous and they didn't ask me if I wanted it.
Yes. Yeah. I think it is rude, and I think those people suck. So that's my whole thing. Don't get famous without my permission. You two are famous. No. Yes. No. 14-year-old boys know who I am. Yes. Fame is fame is fame is fame. Enjoy it.
My husband recently said that people are not recognizing me as much as they used to. What was the context of that statement? The context was he brought up like, you're not getting recognized much anymore.
And then I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's nice. Yeah, it made me feel good, and I don't think about it constantly. You know who would be a fun group to be famous to is like older women who don't use the internet. Yes. Oh my god. And they're like respectful of your boundaries, and they'll love what you do, but they're not going to be like mad at you all the time. Yes. And they'll defend you to their friends if something were to come up. I agree. I love that.
Like Ina Garten. Is it Ina? Ina. Ina Garten.
She's wonderful. She is famous.
Didn't she do something bad a few years ago? Uh-oh. Don't you dare. This is not, I don't know if legally I can share it. You're saying things that are not necessarily true. They're just thinking out loud. That I think happened. It's not libel. There was like, it was something really bad where there was like a kid with cancer who wanted to meet her, and she like would not meet them. I could be wrong.
She was making a roast.
Sometimes we're busy. Sometimes we don't have time for children. Make time if you can.
And that kid could have been an asshole, and she just didn't believe it. Honestly. Probably was an asshole. That's, again, my opinion.
No. Yeah.
Also, I mean, like, who wants to meet Ina Garten? Like, I don't know. That's very funny. I would meet her. I would love to meet her. I don't know. This might be the first one. I know I went out of the way to say, like, I think it's Ina. But I truly, this might be the first time I've ever heard of this person.
Really? Yes. What? She's impressive. They are both Contessa? Yes.
She was very wealthy, and like cool, and started a store. And then it was like a food store. And then she became a cookbook writer, and then a TV chef.
And she and her husband, Jeffrey, have this amazing lifestyle. They're just in love, and they eat great food. He's very big in the banking world. He's really rich and stuff. So they have a really nice life, and he's cool.
And he's like, chill. He's chill about it.
And you can find this person on Instagram or something? No, she says food network shows, cookbooks. She's very popular. The Barefoot Contessa. I've heard that before, and I've always never really, I've just always pretended to know, like, I knew what that was. She has great recipes. And on her show, she's always like, it's OK if you use some store-bought stuff.
She's chill. Oh, that is very chill. That's very nice.
She has friends over. She lives in the Hamptons, has friends over. She's fun. She has friends.
I like practical cook, celebrity chefs, who are giving you practical advice.
Obviously, I know you ain't got time. Do this instead. Yeah, I don't have a sous vide machine. No.
I've always wanted one, though. What is that? You should get one. It's a sous vide machine?
Yeah. Did I know? It's like a stick. No, it's fine. It's like a stick you put in a pot of water, and then you seal meats and stuff, and then it just cooks really well. You do it for a really long time. OK. All right, great. Now I know.
Should we split one? You want to go have some one? Yeah. Share custody? Let's do it. Every Wednesday, hand off the sous vide machine.
Should we do the game? I think we should do the game. The game.
That's a great idea. Reach in there. Don't mess it up. You know what? I'll help you. OK. I should have done this in a better way.
Oh, wow. There's a lot of props to this game. There are props. I think you can take one.
No one look at this.
OK. Oh, I like this. I like these erasers. And marker, marker. Thank you. Marker. Board. Oh, board. OK. Thank you. Board. Thank you.
So this game is called Order History. And we just pass things out. So this game is called Order History, and we are two. There's a list of things here that it's like there's a number for each of these things that they, like these facts, like number of active volcanoes in Australia. And we're supposed to order them from smallest to biggest.
Yeah, thank you. And whoever gets the most right wins. And we just put them, we put the numbers on the side right here. OK, great. Should we read these out loud for the listener? Yes, we should. Talk through some of our thoughts, because this is going to be raw, like actively.
No one wins. We're working together, you know? But if I do win, I will. And if I lose, I will pout for the rest of this. Marie, are there any prizes?
Yes. OK. Excellent. OK. Ooh, OK.
So three of us lose our job. Three of us lose our job, and one of us will keep the job.
That's OK. I'm a cat. I land on my feet. I don't.
I have no other skills, so I'm fucked. We all have the same ones in the same order, right?
Yes. OK. Cool. We'll just go down and we can? Yeah, let's go down and look at this. Yeah. I'll read the first one. OK. Thank you.
The percentage of cultures around the world that engage in romantic and or sexual kissing, according to research published in American Anthropologists. How could there be any that don't? There's some that just have sex with no kissing? Like if you're going to procreate, assuming these cultures are moving forward, they just have kisses. I don't know, but find me there. You know Tao, he loves everything but kissing.
I'll just put this at like a? We don't rank it yet. Oh, OK. I'm not going to rank it. I'm just going to say what I think the number is. I think it's zero. OK.
Based on a 2014 survey in the UK, the percentage of people who would have sex with a robot or android? How many men are there yet? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Five billion, yeah. Would you and any of you have sex with a robot? Would anyone find out about it later? No.
Would you say, would it look like you? If it looked like you? I did say that. If it looked like me, yes.
Robot, no. Android, yes. Androids are supposed to look like people.
I don't think I would. Really? No one would find out.
This is also the UK, so keep that in mind, those freaks over there. Oh, yeah, they're freaks. OK, next one.
According to the University of Scranton, the percentage of people who actually achieve their New Year's goals.
Oh my god, like none. None of them.
I was like, I'm going to lose 3,000 pounds.
Actually, my New Year's resolution was to read one book this year, and I did it. Yay. You did it with the book. What was the book?
The book was Bad Rabbi, of course. It was about Judaism.
Ooh, interesting. I love that.
What's the plot? I'm sorry, but sorry to interrupt. What's the plot of Bad Rabbi? Is it a novel? Is it a memoir?
It's stories about people who have been forgotten in history. Oh, that sounds great. They should be famous. They should be, and it's really sad.
A lot of them just end up, obviously, Jewish stories. Why is it called Bad Rabbi? That was, one of the stories is about a rabbi who moved to America and got married and had a whole family back in Poland, and then moved back to Poland, and then she followed.
And it was just like, it's a good story. Oh, cool. I'm going to read this book. It sounds good.
I'm going to say, this is like a 30%? Wait, are we supposed to guess the number?
No.
He's just working at it. As we go, but I'm going to go back after.
And we rank them from smallest to biggest. I don't understand what that means. Since it's a percentage, it'd just be like, 30% is like 30. But here's the thing, yeah, because some are percentages and some are numbers. Now, this is the part where we talk about units. The digits.
Thank you, Marie. OK. Marie works here.
Is Katie with the next one? You know what? It's my turn, and I'm about to do it.
The number of active volcanoes in Australia.
I have no idea.
I think it could be 70. If it said Iceland, I'd say a lot. Oh, yeah, they have a lot. Australia is also kind of just a wasteland.
Yes. It's garbage. We don't like the people there. Sorry. But so, who knows?
When it comes to the next election, you know where I'm going.
OK, the number of people in the world who share your birthday. Oh, that's fascinating. Wouldn't it be 1,365th of the population, somewhat? Yes, because in theory, there's days. There's so many weird days. No, it wouldn't be. Because everyone has sex on New Year's and Valentine's Day. There's like babies nine months later. Some dates are going to be more popular. You guys know that thing that's like a little fun, little statistics thing, where if you're in a room of more than like 23 people, there's like a over 50% chance that someone will share your birthday? No. Because some days are so popular. It's like some days are so popular, and there's like a math thing involved.
Did you know now that it's also more common because there's more C-sections, so they schedule them? So it's based on when doctors want to work, like they're not having babies on the weekends anymore.
Holy cow. Whoa. Isn't that interesting? That is really interesting. Babies.
I'm going to say, OK, yeah. You're next. Is it me? I just went. Oh, I'm so sorry. I black out.
The number of eggs an average chicken lays in a year. Oh my god. Well, is it in a factory farm? Oh, thank you. A billion. The average chicken, so the average chicken, I think, probably is in a factory farm.
Like a chicken out in the wild? Like if I left the chicken to its own devices? Does that exist? I'll look it up later.
Forget it. No, no, no. What do you mean?
How does the little egg get out? You push real hard. My question is little chickens. Is it their period? So you know how you ovulate? You lose eggs all the time.
And if it's fertilized, it implants. For eggling animals, they lay the eggs. And then if it's fertilized, it's going to end up a chicken. But if it's not fertilized, it'll just be an egg.
So normally. Did you say period? You know when you get your period?
So basically, what they do is they have them lay eggs, and they don't have them made. They just have them. So that's why we get to eat their little eggs. Yes. So essentially, we could do this. We do lay eggs, yes. But. And we could eat them if they're not fertilized. They're a microscopic one. Yes, you could.
You could, but it's just not very good. It's not a good breakfast. I don't think you could find it. It's not a full breakfast. OK. Yeah, oh, no. It's not a full breakfast.
Wouldn't another animal have to eat the eggs? Because chickens don't eat their eggs, right?
No, that'd be so rude. But if you put scrambled eggs in front of a chicken, it's going to eat it. Oh, for sure. A chicken would eat your eggs, I think. That's true.
We're talking about something so small. We are talking about a tiny egg.
I do know this. I'd be able to see it. I have very good eyesight.
Anyway, the percentage of MPAA-rated movies that have been rated R since its rating system began 50 years ago. 50 years ago.
So a lot. A lot.
I saw a documentary about that. I did, too. Did you see what I saw, which we shouldn't say out loud? You can DM about it. I'll DM about it. Yeah, OK, good. I'm not sure.
This one, the number of muscles a caterpillar has on average. A caterpillar's muscles? Oh, man, muscles?
It's not going to be a lot, that's for sure. I bet it's like one.
It's like they have one big muscle. They're very sinewy. But also, do they have a muscle in every leg? Well, they have to do this thing, right?
That takes you to the worm. The caterpillar.
That's low. That's true. OK, the number of people who die each year in the US from choking on pen caps. I hope not a lot. That's a sad one.
Here's the thing. We use our computers more than ever before. Thank you. Have you ever had a pen cap in your mouth that far, though? No. Wait, how far? To choke on it. I definitely have put an entire pen cap in my mouth. The germs on that thing. I know. I agree with you on that.
Lick a toilet, call it a day. Yeah, lick a toilet, call it a day.
I don't think that's a quilt one. It's exactly the same.
There's more germs on a dinner plate in a restaurant than there are on a toilet seat. Yeah, I'll lick a dinner plate all day, though.
Toilet seats, it's just your butt is touching it. It's butt to butt. Your butt.
Until sometimes you go in a women's restroom and you're like, how? Someone got their period. What about when you flush? Somebody got their period right out of this toilet seat. I would pay you money to just say period. Period.
To my face every morning. Every morning?
Yes. It's so funny because we're from the same place. And it's like, how did I get this accent? My sister's the same. She says, Halloween? Yes. And I'm like, where did you get that? We grew up in the same house.
I said, Wisconsin recently on Sunday. And everyone, I said it so, so Chicago that everyone was like, what? Every once in a while it comes out, Wisconsin.
What's everyone's like 1 and 10? Oh, dang. Good question. Like their smallest and your biggest?
I think smallest for me is maybe kissing cultures. Non-kissing cultures. Non-kissing cultures?
Yeah. I feel like it's zero. I'm going to say the number of movies that have been rated R. I'm also on rated R movies. Yes.
Because most movies are like PG-13 and below. People want them to be PG-13 so more people can go see them.
Katie, what's your one? We know something you guys don't know about that. Janie and I. We've seen a movie. We've seen a movie. Wow. If only I knew the title. Seems like you guys haven't. Seems like you haven't seen a movie.
My 10 is, I think the number of people who share your birthday in the world. That's a lot. That's a lot of people. Potentially billions. My 10 is the percentage of people who would have sex with a robot. Wow. It's a million percent.
Yes. You know what?
These are always hard. My brain doesn't quite work in this way. So smallest to biggest. Well, yeah, what are some of the smaller ones? The number of eggs a chicken lays compared to the number.
I mean, active volcano is probably on the smaller end. Maybe the active volcano one is like a trick.
Yeah, it's like zero. Yes. It could be. That's one. Actually, yeah.
I'm going to make that my one. When's the last time you heard about a volcano in Australia, like a big deal thing? I don't really hear about it. So I'm going to put that low. That's my one. My two is another rated R. I say number of eggs. Yes. Because that's just OK. Well, I don't know. They do two or three at a time, right?
In the factory farms, they're pumping them out nuts. They're pumping out like 30 a day or more. It's true. Chickens are making 30 eggs a day in a factory. They're pumping them full of steroids so that they just produce, produce, produce.
And it's really scary. It's really scary.
Nothing else is a percentage. And then the muscles, I actually think could be high because those little buggers got a lot of muscles.
I think the Blu-ray. Yeah, Blu-ray.
Here's the thing about our technology. No. Here's the thing about our society. Society. Fuck. We're obsessed with technology. It's true.
And I'm obsessed with voucher cloud.
The number of, hmm, OK. The percentage of people who actually achieve New Year's goals, we think that is like 20%. I think it's 30. Is it 30? OK. People who achieve their goals?
Yeah. I think. Yeah. So then that's somewhat.
But also people lie, you know? People do lie.
I finished. Oh, you're done? OK, I'll get moving here. OK, hold on. Let's see.
I think my, I don't, as I, I'll repeat it. I don't think my brain works in this style. Right, I get you.
What's your 10, Katie? My 10 is, so that's the most? Most. The biggest number. A number of people in the world who share your birthday.
Is that right? I think that is correct. And I'll be shocked if it's wrong.
OK, good. Thank you very much. Am I missing? Oh, wait. I think, oh, shoot. Three, four. Oh, I have two fours. I screwed up that. Oh, god. Do 4.5. OK.
Percentage of people actually achieve their goals. Percentage of people who actually achieve their goals.
Oh, no. The robot is high. Let's be honest. There's nothing better than riding with a dry race, Mark. Isn't it the best feeling? I hope after this we have time to just draw. What a dream. That would be fun.
OK. I have mine, I think. One, two. What do you think? Culture without kissing would be like? That was my number two. Maybe it's like? Small? Yeah.
No kissing ever?
OK, I did some creative decision making. All right, shall we go over the answers? Let's go over the answers.
Reach. OK. All right, number one. Active volcanoes in Australia. Yay. Yes.
Does it say the number or no? It's zero. Zero.
Guys. Interesting. Yeah. We did it. OK, so I'm going to. Good girl, Katie. That's funny.
I'm keeping track of myself. Number two, percentage of people who achieve their New Year's goals.
And it's. Fuck. No, I didn't have that right.
It's eight. 8%.
Number three, percentage of Americans who think Blu-ray is a marine animal.
You didn't get that one either. Neither.
And it's 18. I put two. 18%. Number four, percentage of people who would have sex with a robot. Ooh, I put seven. I put eight. That is 10. What's the number there? It's 20%.
Huh. I thought it was wrong. It's one out of five. Ain't bad. I like those odds. There's five people in this room, and one of us wants to have sex with a robot, it's me. Oh, me too. What in the fuck do they always mean? I think we'd probably over represent. I think more people. I do think that's true. Given the opportunity to.
If I was given a hot robot. What does the robot look like?
Whatever you want. I think the more metallic, the better. I don't think. You wouldn't have sex with a bicentennial man when he's still a robot. Yes. Here's my thing. I'm not trying to move toward robotic sex. I'm trying to move away from it. Really? You know what I mean? The more robotic. I disagree. Yeah.
I like order. I like something I know what to expect.
Percentage of world cultures that kiss.
This is the next one. What is it? It's 46%. What? That is a lie. That's one, two, three. That's number five. I don't know why I read this.
46%? So that's 54% that don't? Wait, most cultures don't kiss?
Yeah. That's not true. We got to look into this. This is bullshit. There are two exclamation marks after that. So it sounds like three was awesome. Maybe it's factorial factorial. We got to compare. Yeah. OK. Well, we're going to bring this up with Paul. This is a wildest day for my life. OK. The next one, number six.
Percentage of movies that have been rated R. Now I put eight. Son of a two. That was 58%. 58%? So we left this documentary where this MPAA is just like making everything R. Anything with female pleasure rated R. This is not yet rated?
It can be so many graphic things. But at the second, a woman has an orgasm. It's out the door.
Yes, that's true. Can I agree with that? Anything that's not heterosexual, men, truly all of it gets rated R. Yeah, like a woman on top is super homophobic. Yeah. Great. Next one, number seven. Yeah.
Number of people who die each year from choking on pen caps.
Oh, how high is that? It's 100. Wow.
100 people in the world. That's a lot of people. That's too many people.
Imagine if you knew someone that died that way. Maybe this podcast will save a life.
Don't put a pen cap in your mouth. Don't. That's too many people. Just chew it. Chew it like a normal person. Without putting it in your mouth.
Number eight, number of eggs an average chicken lays per year.
Whoa. It's about 300. Oh. Oh, I got that one. Holy. Whoa, like a movie. I only got one right. And then number nine, number of muscles a caterpillar has. No, I got that too. And it's 4,000. Whoa. I thought it would be like very little or a lot. Whoa. Yeah, yeah.
There's 4,000. How many do we have? I don't know. That's a good question. Like 100? I mean, I've got at least two. Your feet and your hands have so many muscles. That's true. And then last but not least, number of people who share your birthday is about 19 million.
I got one. I got two right, baby. I got three. And we learned something shocking about kissing. Wow. Tao, how many did you get right? I think I got three right.
But I can't really tell.
We get to keep our jobs? We get to keep our jobs.
You all get fired. I'm getting fired.
All right. Wow. Put this. You know what?
I think it's time to read my little sketch thing. I would love to read your little sketch. Sorry, I just threw that. So what is the title of the sketch, Katie? OK, so this is a rejected sketch.
It is called Confusing Headset Phone Call. And I'm going to be honest, I still like it. And I think Michael Trapp made a huge mistake. There have been many times where I've gone through our like, we have a system.
Rejected sketches folder. We have these rejected sketches.
And sometimes if I'm having a bad day, I'll go through and read some from Katie. Because they like, there's some that have made me cry laughing at my desk.
And then it doesn't get greenlit.
Thank you very much. I appreciate it. That's so nice. Yeah.
Hopefully, I never have to do that with either of you. Hopefully, never that.
Because all of yours get greenlit, yeah. Because they all get greenlit. Oh, I was going to say, like, you read mine.
And then I go, what is happening in these sketches? What the hell is this?
Confusing Headset Phone Call.
Interior office day. Katie and Trapp sit at their desks working. Zach enters and walks over to his desk with a fresh coffee. Katie looks directly at him.
Where were you? Oh, I didn't go far. I just got some coffee.
Katie gestures to her phone and quiets him. Oh, oops. Sorry. Yeah, next time, try to be on time if it's a client call. Thanks. Talk soon. Katie hangs up her phone. Trapp? Yeah, what's up, Katie? Katie motions that she's now talking on a headset. Yes, I can assure you, that course of action would certainly be a trap for the company. She mouths Trapp on the phone. Oh, sorry. Yes, I can hold. Katie turns to Trapp and Zach. Hey, while we're on hold, would you guys want to get dinner tonight?
We never hang out outside of work. Yeah, all the time.
One moment. Katie covers her headset mouthpiece with her hand. Stop talking to me. I'm on a crucial business call. Am I the only one who does work around here? Katie uncovers her headset mouthpiece. Great. Yes, eight works for me tonight, too. OK, well, I'm going to hang up now. I'll talk to you guys soon. Katie takes off her headset and turns to Trapp and Zach. OK, I'm off the phone now.
Sorry about that. I know that came off a bit unprofessional. Silence. Please, guys, I need to hear that you accept my apology. Fine.
Katie looks furious. She covers her computer's camera.
I hung up the phone call so that I could join the Skype meeting I was late to. I swear to God, I'm about to close the most important deal of my life. Don't screw this up for me. She turns back to her computer.
Moving right along, I think Japan will be quite happy with the progress we've made. We have our best accountants on the case.
What does Katie do again? No idea. Katie's phone rings. She picks it up and closes her computer.
Sal!
She throws down her landline, puts on her headset, and turns to Trapp. Hey, I saw that your wife was in an accident last week. I'm so sorry. I'd love to send her flowers. What's your address? Silence. Hey, I'm really talking to you this time. She pokes Trapp. He hesitates. Really, I'm serious.
I know Laura escaped the accident, but I want to do something nice for her anyway. She's always been so good to me, and I know I'm not easy to get along with. OK, she'd appreciate that.
It's 8463 South Vermont.
One moment. I am on the fucking phone, you piece of shit. I was talking about Laura, the CFO's wife, who was in a dressage accident. This deal is more valuable than all of your lives. Katie, that's it. You need a disconnect. You're too stressed.
I'm fine.
No, you're not. You're not handling this well.
They pry her phone, headset, and computer out of her hands.
There. Now, how do you feel? Honestly, I feel better already. Thank you. Really. Of course, we're here for you.
OK, he slaps Trapp in that card. I am talking to the board of directors through my brain implant, you fucking assholes. This still means the world to me.
She takes out her brain implant by ripping a bloody cord out of her head. As Zach and Trapp scream hysterically, Katie dies.
And oh my god, that's hilarious. What was the reason this wasn't made? I don't know. Wow. It's too hard to find the bloody, uh, yeah. It seems like an easy one. Maybe Trapp should be, maybe, hopefully Trapp will listen to him defend himself. It's so funny.
I love the specifics about what the phone calls are, like what your job would be in this world. Yes, what is my job? What are you doing? Business, business, business, business.
It's so funny. It is so funny.
That's such a funny specific, I've noticed with people on the headsets that you're like, oh, that person is talking to themselves. And you're just like, that's not socially acceptable.
We just decided that's OK. It's not, but yes. It happens all the time. I know it really does. It's crazy.
Some of my favorite sketches are when it's a Katie sketch, and she, it's just like, we'll just let her go. We'll just like, and she has her lines, and she knows what she's going to do, and we just like sit back and watch it happen.
It's truly, uh, perfect every time. It's beautiful. Thank you. When she gets unleashed. Yes.
Sometimes I get a little twisted. They let me off my leash, and I get to do whatever I want. Well, I'm really sad this never got made. I am too.
It could still get made, right? Well, just because you heard the audio version doesn't mean you can't get the visual version. That's a very good point. Maybe if, I don't know, some commenters or fans, you know, tweeted their support.
Anybody?
I don't know. It's crazy. I don't know.
Just tweet. Tweet hashtag Katie on the phone. Katie verified.
Oh my god. So good. Cool.
What's next? Questions? We have questions. Questions from people on the Discord. So if you are a Dropout subscriber, one of the very special perks is getting to chat with your cast members and the people behind the scenes at College Humor. So we have questions that were submitted by the incredible audience.
We're going to read them now. Hopefully I don't butcher anyone's names. Yay. OK.
Generally, there are creatives and particular audiences who tend to look down on comedic entertainers trying to do serious work. And then there are those who want serious filmmakers slash actors to pursue such endeavors.
How do you keep yourself from being typecast as one or the other? Is there ever a time you wanted to do something about real world issues, but hesitate because of the people who think you should be stuck doing what you've always done, from Al and Lucy? For me, personally, I think I do avoid saying political things. And just because I feel like, oh, I feel dumb, and I'll be more likely to be attacked than someone else, probably. So I think just the fear of looking dumb has kept me from being serious online and things.
Totally. There is a level of being very vulnerable when you're not being like, jokes, jokes, jokes, jokes, jokes, and saying something serious. And then it's like, yeah, being that level vulnerable, especially now, is very scary. It's funny. There are so many entertainers out there and people on Twitter who can just take such serious topics and find the funny and find the way. And sometimes I just get so overwhelmed by how serious or sad or upsetting it is, I'm like, I really wish. I'm just so blown away when comedians can find the way to do both. Yeah.
In terms of acting, though, I feel like some of the best dramatic actors are comedy first. I've heard it's harder to do comedy than drama.
Yes. Yeah.
I think horror and comedy are more closely tied, because there's that fine line between laughing and being scared. But I do think those are, yeah, making someone laugh is difficult. Making someone afraid is also very difficult.
But yeah, I feel like drama, not that I'm a real actor. But what you could do, like, what translates is definitely commitment. I mean, if you don't take acting comedically seriously, if you treat it too broad, then it doesn't work. You have to treat it with the same level you would a drama.
Right. And you have to treat it like very real, and that is affecting you emotionally, not just like, I'm having a shield of comedy over you. Exactly. Yeah. I think when we've been in improv classes, the worst mistake is someone coming out and trying to be goofy. And you're like, that's not going to work. You can't be too thirsty for those laughs. Yeah.
It's harder to make someone cry, laugh than cry. You can make anyone cry. You can't make everyone laugh.
Yes, definitely. You seem really confident. I'm going to go with that. That is what I'm choosing to say. I do worry about being typecast, but I don't think of only doing comedy stuff. What is your ideal role? Like, of something that's already happened. Yes. I know immediately.
I want to be the creepy person in a horror movie really badly. Any specific one? I think so hereditary. I feel like I would like to, that role of the person who slowly gets more unhinged. Also, mid-summer. Stuff like that, I'm like, oh, I would love to be in this role. Starts off very normal, and then slowly you see just like, yeah, getting really creepy.
That's so funny. That sounds really fun. That does sound really fun. I think I'd like to be like a, this is going to sound really stupid, like an Adam Sandler type man child, but who's like with an edge of serious sadness to him would be very fun.
You can do both. Yeah, you can do both. Absolutely.
Any specific Adam Sandler? Like, if the movie Big Daddy was slightly more serious.
That's fine. I know, just had a comedy role. That's awesome. I love you guys. Well, my comedic icon, I have many, but Julia Louis-Dreyfus, like the role she does. I'd love to play someone like in Veep, like a really, because she is like, she can play funny and she can play mean, but like the vulnerable moments. I love those. So something like that would be the dream.
Has she had a non-comedic role? She's been in a couple of like sort of softer comedies. Like there's this one called Enough Said that's really great. She's had like little parts, but yeah, she's only just done comedy, really.
What about you? I guess I had to choose. I feel drawn to like, this is going to sound psychotic, but like cold-blooded killers who just are dead in the eyes and in the face. I think I could do that very well. Yes. My eyes can just like, you know, yeah. Do you have a favorite movie about a killer? Mm. Always.
What role you would take if you could go back? Would that be fun to play? Could I pitch one for Frankie? Please, please. I say let's remake No Country for Old Men, but with Frankie and Claudia.
Yes, that's so fun. Oh my god. I truly had that same thought. Oh, that's very good. I think that would be great. That's very good.
Let's do it. We could do it. Let's do it. We're doing it after this.
We have to look up that thing about kissing, and then we'll make that. And we have to make Katie's sketch, too. I love that. And we've got to make the sketch.
A lot of action items from this book. Action deliverables, et cetera.
OK. Let's do the next one. That was a great question. Thank you for sending it in. Leon Sandstone asks, how much of the sketches are wish fulfillment versus what you think will entertain us? Ooh, wow. That's so funny. Almost a burn, I'd say. Well, honestly, what's funny is like, there's ones like Brennan specifically, right? I'm like, I can tell he just like thought this would be such a fun character to play. Oh, sure. Like the barista witch one. Yes. Oh my god, how fun he wrote a sketch where he gets to be this kooky character. That was one where I was like, it's very smart.
Even the ones that feel like seem luxurious to shoot are probably not. Luxurious to actually shoot.
You mean like the hours in makeup that you have to do and all that? Hours in makeup and stuff, yeah.
I guess I interpret that question as like, do you guys pitch a sketch about skydiving, just so you can go skydiving or something like that? Yes. That's how I interpret it.
There was a string of sketches where Grant was just constantly getting shit on and just like falling. And I think that wasn't his wish fulfillment, but like everyone else's just wanted to fuck with.
Absolutely. That's really funny. Yeah.
And like I'd say the, how tall is Grant? Like that stuff came from just, maybe it's something that the audience wouldn't have noticed, but something that we wanted to talk about. Because it is really funny watching Grant like have to like go down and up. And then like every time he is in a scene, he has to change his height. It's very funny.
It's funny too, because I feel like with wish fulfillment, you could be writing sketches where like you look great and everybody loves you. But as a comedian, your instinct is to write one. My wish fulfillment is to be shat on. Like my wish fulfillment is like, I'm the butt of the joke hardcore.
Oh yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, no one wants to be the straight man. You want to be the silly one, the weirdo. Totally.
I think like as ugly as I can be in a sketch, that's like my wish fulfillment. I love that. Do you think to the second part of this question, you think about what will entertain them? Are you thinking about the audience? Or are you just writing from what you want to write? Yeah. I think what I find funny, other people might also find funny. So I think I'm just like, oh, this idea makes me laugh. I'm going to write it.
Totally. For sure.
Sometimes I will pitch an idea. And if it's like, do you guys even know what I'm talking about? If it's like no, then I do go back to the drawing board of like, well, what I thought was a more universal moment is not. It's like really just me. It is me. I pitched one time.
I was like, I hate that thing how like you go to funerals and everyone's like really talking up the person that died. There's no way they were that good. And I was like, everyone's going to agree with this. And no one did.
That is so funny. I agree with you on that. I would have been there going, yeah. That person wasn't that great. We all know this person. That is so funny. They kind of sucked. You're fine. Why are we talking like they were the greatest person who ever lived? That is so funny. Like in the writer's room, it's either like, yes, oh my god, or like, what? Yeah, yeah, definitely. That's so funny. What is your, if you could write a sketch that was like wish fulfillment, what would it be? That's a great question.
I would get plastic surgery. I would get like a ton of plastic surgery.
Yeah. I think I would do that too.
No. I don't support this. 100% let's write a sketch where we both get plastic surgery. You guys, it's going to be greenlit, and I'm going to help you do this. No.
Well, it could just be the base reality is we walk into the office, and our faces are pumped full of Botox, and we look horrendous. But it's like, we'll go from there. We'll figure it out.
And we go, Janie, did you get a new jacket? No. No, nothing's new, by the way. Oh. I knew. Exactly how I looked. Out of my cheeks. A new scarf, maybe? No.
OK, then. I would do a really in-depth action sequence. That would be very cool. Oh, yeah. That would be fun. And then I would also be like, I must do. I cannot get a stunt double. I must learn. Then, so it's like, I must die for this. Yes, it would be a real fight. That's cool. And I would have to be. Oh, I'd love to train for months. Those people, like, keep pace, and train, and become a bad ass. Oh, yes.
Like, their muscles are different. Insane. They're just like, they work together.
But then once you're that buff, you got to go away. Yeah, they go away. That's the problem.
Because once you've, like, felt, it's not even just looks. It's like, how strong you must feel when you walk down the street.
Oh, yes. I would miss it. Yes, yeah.
Here's a hot take, is whenever there's like an article that's like, whoa, look at, like, blah, blah, blah's, like, training regimen to get ready for this movie role, it's like, none of this is impressive. You're spending, like, thousands and thousands of dollars, like, with a personal trainer. Someone is monitoring you.
Yes. Any of us could do that. Any of us.
The weight loss commercials, where it's like, I lost such and such amount of weight on whatever diet service, it's like this person you know has paid $12 million. If you paid me $12 million, I would do whatever. Yeah, my body could look any way you want.
I don't give a shit. Throw money at me. Maybe not. Who knows. Maybe someone could be like, we'll give you $1 million to, like, train for this movie. And then I'm like, I don't want to do it. No, you would not do it. For $1 million, I would do anything.
Anything. Ready for the next one? Yeah. Let's do it.
Wolfman666 asks, what are y'all's zodiac signs like as much as you know sun, moon, rising, et cetera? How much time do we have? Wow, I can't believe it. Aries moon, Aries rising, Aries Venus, too. Got a lot of fire in my chart. I feel it.
But I'm also chill as hell, because I'm a Pisces. You are chill. I'm chill, but there's a rage that I can't get rid of.
Is that a Pisces thing? No, I think it's an Aries thing. An Aries thing? I don't really know much about astrology. Aries.
Me neither. When were you born?
February 20th. OK. February 15th.
I don't know his birth time.
15th. Oh my god.
Yeah, five days apart. Wait, so are we the same, or no? I don't know either.
You know, because I'm right at the beginning of Pisces. So you're at the beginning. Oh, you're right. You did say Pisces. I did hear that.
I'm not curious. Ah. Wow. Do you know what your risings are? I don't know. I have no idea what that means. What is that based off of?
That's based off of what time you were born or where you were born. No one knows what time I was born. Yeah, I don't know what time I was born. I don't know what time I was born either. My parents didn't know what time I was born.
I can't believe it's not till my 30s I needed to know this, and all of a sudden I need to know it. You have to. You all have to text your parents and ask them what time you're born. It is on your birth certificate. So fun fact about me, my parents both passed away.
Oh, I'm sorry. Thank you.
And it's like truly this thing that comes up all the time, where I'm like, I wish I could know my birth time, and I don't have anyone to ask. It's like, it doesn't come up that often, but it's always like, man, I wish I knew my birth time.
It's because it's not documented, right? It's not documented. It's not on your birth certificate.
It's crazy. It's on mine. Oh, it is? Yeah, yeah.
So if you know the city you were born, ask for a copy of your birth certificate. Go back to Chicago.
You have to. It's a really important mission. You have to.
This is my world. Do you believe you know, like, if you just know your generic sign? Is that enough information? Or you think you really know where it works? Yeah, I think so. And you know where you were born and all that. That could also fill in some, like, the time you were born gives you certain things.
Morant. But like, yes. But as long as. Oh, my god. Who are you compatible with? Oh, yeah. Oh, guys.
I guess Cancers? No. Oh, a Cancer. You're a Cancer?
Yes. OK, great. Great. I know that. Wow. Yeah.
I think, yeah, fellow Pisces and I get along. My sister's a Virgo, and we get along really well. And someone once said, and I don't know if this is true, but it's because we're on opposite ends of the astrological, like, we're both like, we're equally across, so just kind of like.
Complimentary colors. Yes. Like Cancers and Capricorns are supposed to get along because they're on the opposite ends. Interesting. Wait, not Cancer and Aquarius? I don't know. We'll look it up. I think it's Aquarius, because my brother's Cancer, and I'm Aquarius. Oh, really? And you were, yeah, we're, you know what this means. Whoa.
I feel like Virgos are very meme heavy. They feel like they're memed a lot on Twitter and stuff. They're meme heavy? They're memed to hell. I'm not saying they love memes. I'm saying they're memed about a lot. So maybe they are making memes about themselves.
Wait, what are you again? I'm Aquarius.
I'm not a Virgo, but I hear about Virgos a lot on Twitter. Virgos are very, I don't, I can't speak like a expert. You do seem like you know quite a bit. But it's information in my brain that truly does not need to be there.
Do you like do the, what's that app? The Compass? No. Oh, Co-Star? Co-Star. Yeah, I do.
And the pattern, have you guys? The pattern is what I was thinking. What's the pattern?
It's fucking insane. I was just doing this with my roommates. It's the same thing of like, here's what your personality is like based on all this. And then you can have friends on there. And then it'll show you all of your friends' personality traits. And you can read into them. And it is, first of all, shockingly accurate. And also, it's things that I shouldn't know about my friends. It's just like, because they had a parent like this, they behave this way. It's truly insane.
Oh man, that's cool. That's interesting. That's such an insight into how to have empathy for people. Because whether or not it's even accurate, it's like, oh yeah, I forget there's reasons why people are the way they are. Yes.
The stars. The birth time.
All right, cool. Should we move on? We have a final question from Dorneybrook, I think. Can you talk about the evolution of college humor from what you remember watching or making in the early days to the content you are making now? That's a great question. Let me ask you guys this one before we answer it. Were you guys college humor fans before you started working here? Yes. And this is a state we can be honest. No.
I definitely have watched and or interacted with college humor content before working here. It wasn't like, oh, what's college humor? And this is even before I had some friends who were starting working here, too. I liked it. Maybe not the first phase of college humor, but then when they started doing sketches and stuff, that's when I first found it. And yeah, I loved comedy, so I was into any comedy. I submitted a couple articles a while ago. And I remember thinking, I'm not sure this is my voice. I'll do my best. It just didn't feel like maybe the most natural fit. And then I think it was a while later when I looked at the sketches, and I was like, oh, yeah, this is sketch for everyone. I think I'd had a perception of it as a bit more college guy, straight, cis, very specific. And then when I looked again, I was like, oh, wait, it's not like that at all. It's very inclusive. I was a huge fan of college humor before.
And I remember coming in for my interview as an intern, and Pat Cassels was sitting at his desk. And I immediately just started sweating. That is Pat Cassels.
Oh my god. Absolutely. Wow, that's awesome. Yes.
But I was also so scared as an intern to interact with any of them or talk to any of them because in my mind, I'd been watching them for so long. How long ago was that? Like four years ago?
Wow, yeah. Yeah. That's interesting. Yeah. But I have noticed, even just in the time that I've worked here, the evolution of college humor. Oh my god, yeah. It's crazy.
A lot more voices, more diverse voices, not just the same thing. But I do think it's cool. Right now, maybe, I don't know if this is right or not, but in terms of just really good sketch comedy that you see online, and that's what the channel is, I don't know if there's anything like college humor right now. Maybe I'm wrong, but it just feels very true to what sketch comedy is, and I think that's really cool. I also like, because in the beginning, they were just shooting it on, not phones, but the equivalent of phones, just around their desks. And the way, not only has our comedy evolved, but the quality of our videos and our commitment to quality, that plus, I guess that's why I've always liked working here. It was just like, we want to create things that are just evolving on both sides. Yeah, that's so true. Yeah, it's not like there's TV sketch and internet sketch. It does feel like it's the same level of commitment and quality and all that. It's like TV sketch, yeah. You can find a better channel and tweet it at us.
The people who work here are so good at it. Tear me, tear me. It's so funny. Yeah, the people who work here are like, the makeup artists, the production designers, I'm always one away at college humor. It's incredible. Wow.
So wait, four years ago, what was the level of quality for the production stuff? I mean, it was the same. I don't want to throw shade at other productions. No, no, no, of course not. No, it was still good.
I just think that we used to shoot on 5D's and 7D's and just throw a light up. And I mean, more went into it, but I think we have gotten better cameras. We have folded. I mean, it's still like, we don't spend a ton of money, but our crews have just gotten better crews and stuff. And now, even in considering crew members we get, we consider how good their work. I'm not saying they didn't do that before, but now if we have a DP we want to work with, we look into it because we want it to look good.
Awesome. As a company, you just get better at doing stuff, what you're good at. That's cool.
Yeah. And I think also, sorry, I'll stop talking. I know. Interesting answers, though. Viewers would. I also think that in the time that I've worked here, they're more streamlined. Our cast, knowing the personality of all of our cast and our writers, I think that has really come out more recently. Do you agree? Yes. OK.
I started five and a half years ago also as an intern. But yeah, I would definitely say it's a totally different company than when I started.
That's really cool. Awesome. Cool.
So those are all the questions. Be sure to submit yours on Discord and give us feedback on these. And you can chat with us on Discord, too.
I guess that's it. That's all we have. Well, from the College Humor podcast, bye everyone. Thank you. Bye. Thank you. Hey, it's Tao.
There are no stupid questions. Are you my freaking dad?
Sign up for your free trial today, unless you hate fun. Which if you do, come to my party on Saturday. It won't be fun at all. |
dropout | My_Partner_Is_Using_Me_For_Love | Oh, Grant's classic Get Real shirt. Looks like somebody's got a date tonight. Oh, I don't know, not really. Whoo! Come on, man, you can't fool me. I know your date shirt when I see it. Who is it?
It's this girl I've been seeing, but I feel like she just used me for sex. Oh, I know exactly how you're feeling. I'm dating this guy right now, and I think he's just using me for my money. Oh, Jess.
I don't know him, but I hate him.
Do you even have any money? No.
I 100% relate. I've been seeing somebody for a really long time now, and at this point, it just feels like she's using me for support and companionship. What? It's like all she wants from me is my love and time, and I'm like, uh, hold up. Who do you think you are? A nice person? I don't know, man. That sounds great, because this girl, I know she's just using me for my built body and my beautiful face, and it's like, can we have a conversation? Right. I mean, I want this guy to know I'm not an ATM. I am a person with feelings and a very limited bank account. Yep, and then it's like, hey, Raquel, my steady girlfriend of three years, I'm not just a person for you to funnel your joy, dreams, and affections into. I'm a human being. Raph, are you upset that your girlfriend is using you for love and emotional support?
Honestly, no, I love it, even though I know that I shouldn't. See, look at us. I'm just like you guys, glutton for punishment. Yeah, no, I don't think that that's like us.
Those are all really nice things. It sounds like you're in a healthy, functional relationship. Well, if it's so healthy, then how come I'm always saying stuff like, I love you, and, oh, you can do anything, or do you need help deveining shrimp for your flag football banquet?
I just give, give, give. No, I get it, because one-sided emotional support is terrible. And she just gives, gives, gives back.
Raph, that is an ideal relationship. Yeah, dude, you got it made.
All right, I know I'm being used because I've never met any of her friends. And I know that I am being used because I always have to buy party-sized turkey subs for him and his friends. And I know I'm being used because I've had to help wrap thoughtful gifts for all of her best friends.
I'm talking about Lisa, Tori, Lisa G for birthdays, christenings, baby showers. They were actually really nice. I had a great time. I even chose the theme for one of them.
I went with pugs. Pugs!
That's the dream, man. Look, if you're both giving and receiving sufficient amounts of love, then no one is being used. You are in a real loving relationship, and those do not come around all the time. You need to understand that you have a good thing. Yeah, Raph, there's love right in front of you.
Grab it. You deserve it. Okay. And do not give her your bank pin. You don't need all those straws. Give them to me. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_rich_auntie_with_no_kids_on_relaxing_during_the_holidays_snl | A survey, a survey by the American Psychiatric Association, finds that nearly a third of Americans are more stressed out this year than last holiday season. here to comment is: Rich Aunty with no kids. Yeah, I'll be some criminal to be stressing. Well, I'm glad you're feeling so good, but for a lot of people, the holidays are very stressful. really? What was that? Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year. you think so?
Yeah, because I ain't got no kids. I am loving life, Michael. Miss Veranda, stay dodging bullets. I am all about the push-off method. The push-off method? whenever I'm getting freaky with a dude and he even looks like he about to finish, I push his ass up off of me, like, uh-uh, not up in here. do that and that's outside. outside? yeah, he can't even do it inside, because that's risky, baby.
Ok, but this time of year is stressful for people with children, you have any advice for them? I'd say, you know, focus on your Christmas traditions. that's good advice. what are some of your traditions? Every year, I show up to my sister's house after the cooking's done, make myself a plate, use her bathroom, because I ain't stinking up mine with all that Christmas meat.
Then I drive home, take me a little eucalyptus bubble bath, and rewatch my favorite Christmas movie of all time, Django Unchained. Hey, Michael, hey, Michael, Django may be unchained, but he could tie me up any day. really do your job, huh?
I don't think so, Auntie. uh-uh, don't call me that. you sound just like my sister's kids. Auntie This, Auntie That. y'all need to call me Veranda, just because my sister got knocked up. don't mean my name changed. Well, speaking of your family, have you ever thought about hosting them for the holidays? Hell no, I ain't hosting nobody. What I look like, Ryan Seacrest? My sister cannot come up in my house with all them damn kids. Well, how many kids does she have? Two. just two? Yeah, and they can't stay in my guest room either. that's where my kids stay.
Chanel, Gucci, Ferragamo, Smith, and Wes's.
You have a gun? Yeah, I got a gun. But shh, don't tell nobody, because I ain't got a license. Oh, damn, I'm on live Tv, ain't I?
Michael, I am cutting up today. Careful, baby, I'm about to steal your dog. I'll end jokes in Veranda.
So you don't let your niece and nephew visit you at all? I mean, do you at least get them gifts? Of course I do. I'm their rich auntie, after all, come on. Well, what did you get them last Christmas? I gave one of them deodorant and the other one advice. And the advice was, use that deodorant. do you even like your niece and nephew? Absolutely, come on now. don't get me wrong, I love kids. You do? No, sir. hold on, hold on. for real? it's your boss, Lauren Mitchells. she said, girl, you're cutting up. you updating the weekend from now on. Okay, Rich Auntie with no kids, everybody. it's the right one. |
dropout | the_girl_who_hates_drama_hot_date | Oh my god! Actually kill me? My ex Brad is here. What? Why does drama follow me? I am so sorry. Is he looking at me?
No. Not even like a little bit. No. What about now? He's still not looking. It's like good? Yeah.
Because it would be like so bad if he saw me. Like I like really don't want him to see me. It's just like imagine if he like came over here you know. Like he like saw me and like started to like come over in the middle.
That would be like so dramatic and it's like sorry dude. I like quit drama cold turkey. Yeah well gross. So what should we get? Um I'm sorry Sue. I like haven't even had a chance to look at the menu because of like everything that's like been going on. I just like can't believe he like brought a girl here to try to make me jealous. They're like all over each other. I think they're just having breakfast.
Okay it's like what's more likely Sue? Like we just happen to be at the same very popular brunch spot or my ex is orchestrating his life to spite me. Like what's more likely? Okay. I think the first one's more likely but.
Twist. Sue I'm gonna need you to stop rambling because he just got up. Oh my god he's coming over here. Oh my god. Like I hate my life. Does he like look upset? A little. Oh no. He just had to sneeze.
It's just like I like hooray. Hooray.
He doesn't see me. Why does drama just keep like following me? Actually I think he's leaving so we can get back to girls brunch. I need to follow him. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_233_Bloody_Brilliant_Beers | It is a marvelous spring day, spring carnival is rolling. My name is Wendell Hussey, Errol Parker's with me. How are you Errol?
You know, I've been better. You've been better?
It's like that sometimes. Yeah, nah. I've got a fine layer of dust on me but I didn't have any lung lollies so I'm actually feeling pretty good today, mate. Yeah, yeah.
You were down at the RSL club last night. Down at the RSL, mate. Some function with Clancy or whatever.
Yeah, you know, just doing my arse. As per usual, mate, I do remember walking out of there, you know, and they had the, uh, the, uh, sharting races. As, you know, I had a bit of an argument with this bloke. He goes, nah, mate, they're shatting. And I was like, mate, you know, as someone who was born and raised in Hong Kong, it's something I find offensive.
Few calls from Mayor Keith Carton this morning. Actually, he's not happy with you but anyway, we'll talk about that after the podcast. Um, now Clancy is off, he's doing something with Bob Carter again or whatever. I thought he was off getting his, uh, as he's just turned 50, I thought he was getting his colonoscopy today.
Yeah, yeah. Well, that's, that, yeah, I thought, yeah. Covering with something better. He's got a body like a back road, that bike, doesn't he? There you go. Anyway, now we have two guests in the studio today.
Well versed in the art of podcasting. Well versed in the art of talking. Well versed in a lot of things.
Bloody, brilliant beers.
How are we gentlemen? What's going on? Happy to be here.
Now we've got Klutz, the, uh, the more, I'd say deep voice, baritone. Well, yeah, for those who are listening at home or on the tractor or in the car, yes, Klutz is, yeah, you know, he has a bit of bass about him. Yeah, he's strong. The rich man's Clancy Overell, I'd say, yeah. And then we've got Darce over here, for people who aren't familiar with the bloody, brilliant beers. Yeah, I don't know how you'd explain my voice.
Yeah. So there you go. Now, uh, making waves, you're coming up into the ordinary rig competition down there in Sydney. Correct, mate. It's going to be a, um, a ripper of a weekend. Just got to get the rig out for the boys and give the big sickies a bit of a platform to be comfortable with. Yep. I think it's something you're born to do, really. Definitely. It's been 27 years of preparation for this day. Basically, it's a, it's an accumulation of my whole life's work coming together. And, um, yeah, let's, we just got to reap the rewards from it now. So should be good. Body positivity. That's it. There's not enough of it. So we really need to bring it in.
So a couple of years ago, uh, Clancy and I, we hosted the, uh, inaugural, uh, ordinary rig competition, which is put on each year by the good people at Budgie Smuggler. We hosted the inaugural one down there at the Ivy in Sydney.
It's a great day. Yeah. We've never been to the Ivy. I was describing it yesterday. We're Brisbane boys. Yep.
And it feels like we're coming to the big smoke going down to Sydney. It feels like we're going to the big smoke.
So it's, have you taken out a mortgage for the weekend? I've heard that the bees are more expensive at the opera bar than they are at Suncorp Stadium, which is fucking outrageous.
At least they're not mid strength though. Aren't they? They're full strength. They are full strength.
I'm going to have glasses as well, not just plastic cups. And they let you drink out of a glass, but you know, I think it is tradition down there at opera bar. Correct me if I'm wrong, but after you finish your drink, you just throw it into the big blue bin. Um, which is what, you know, that's what people call Sydney Harbor, which is Australia's largest open air sewer. It's also recycling. That's where glass comes from. So it just sits down there and then over, over time it goes and then just melts back into the earth.
So that's quite nice. It's a good way to get escorted out too. We'll have to keep that in mind. If a day is going badly, then you just hike it in the water and then those big guards come and get you. So I know you, you would do, as you said, you hosted the ordinary rig there. Um, I'm actually not too familiar with it. So what do you, you have to do a few challenges?
I got absolutely mugged off the first year, so they'd never said anything about the pool.
So I've turned up there looking like I'm going to a fucking Ram sale, like fucking, you know, sports coat, nice shirt, you know, nice pair of jeans and some riding boots. And I turn up there and there's a fucking pool there. I was like, fuck. Yeah.
We have no idea what we're in for really. I think you've probably got more idea than me. I've had to, uh, it's a piss tank of the old Victoria secrets. So, um, I've had to create my own wings and just tell my story through my wings. So do a bit of a catwalk and then some special talents. So got to pull that out of my ass and, um, yeah, don't really know what else is coming.
Who are the judges this year? I cannot remember actually.
We were having this discussion on the way down and, um, um, Brandon Smith was, I've been convinced he was going to be there. And then I realized he's currently playing his trade over in England for New Zealand. He finished dusting, uh, who are they playing tomorrow? Um, Island. He finished dusting Island and he's straight on the plane over here.
Should have seen klutzy though on the way down. So while flying in here, he's got his wings with him and he's got the biggest bag I've ever seen. Almost had to go through the, uh, oversize check-in. Yeah, but they let him on normally, but couldn't find room for his wings for the contest. So he's just got a black garbage bag as carry on luggage. He's literally flying through Brisbane airport with these fucking wings.
A few funny looks from people. What's in that garbage bag? A lot of questions. Like what's going on? Did anyone want to look in? Or are they coming out the top of the bag? There's some little ears poking out the top. So you could sort of see a little bit of, uh, a little bit of what's going on, but yeah, no, like if you didn't want anyone to look, I mean, is that, you know, there's all these people coming by and they're like, so what's in, in the bag, mate.
It's like, Oh, just a dead cat. Got to get it home for the funeral.
But no, it should be good. We're, uh, we're looking forward to ripping in Sydney over this weekend. So just make sure you rip in, uh, all before probably midnight, really. Isn't it?
I don't think as much as goes on in the city after, after what? 10, 11 midnight, Errol? Oh, that's what they say, mate, but I don't really know. So yeah, I'm not particularly well versed in Sydney either. Not a lot of love for the place as you say, Errol, largest open air sewer.
Yep. We'll do some research over the weekend though. We'll have to do a lot of research and come back out here and let you know what we found. Yeah. Lovely. So tell us a bit about this podcast of yours. I mean, the name's in the title. Yeah. The, uh, the bloody brilliant beers. Yeah.
So, um, when was it about three years ago where, um, I just used to sink a lot of piss at my old job and send him videos of myself reviewing different craft beers, little fruit beers. So what was your old job? Were you like a bus driver or a pilot or a doctor? I wish, well, I was trying to fly a bar, but, um, yeah, I used to work behind a few bars and, uh, unfortunately we didn't really have the four X and stuff on tap. So I had to try and, uh, expand more at my beer taste. And so I used to send videos.
Yeah. Snapchat. So quite funny. Um, and I never thought anything of it.
And then one day I went to the bottle load of bison beers and there was all these, you know, craft beers and I pretty much just always drank four X. I wish I had one of Klutzy's videos to like reference my beer choice, but unfortunately that was Snapchat. So nature of the beast, they disappear, but we set up a Facebook group where we could post our own reviews and we made it so like friends could invite their friends. And it just sort of blew up, um, had like a couple of thousand people in there, like posting heaps of videos. So originally we were going to, all of our content was going to be based around beers and brewing and interviewing. There's heaps of different craft brewers popping up in Brizzy. So we're like, Oh, we'll go out and sort of get a tour and sit down with the head brewer or something and have a chat, which was great in theory.
But then COVID hit, um, and no one wanted to talk to us. So we just caught up on zoom once a week.
I had to work out how to use a laptop, which was a real fucking spanner in the works for me. But you just said you're 27 years old and you can't use a fucking computer. Yeah, well I forgot how to after school.
It's not good mate, it's not good. Had the worst internet connection in the middle of, uh, of Brisbane as well. So that really didn't help.
Yeah. Um, yeah.
Then we just started talking to each other about what we'd probably talked to at the pub because we couldn't do it. So, um, and then somehow we round up, like we're, we're good friends with the Farquhar family who own the mighty Caxton hotel in Brizzy and they have a space upstairs, which we use to record our podcast out of their pub. So yeah, it's just, we talk absolute shit a couple of times a week and, um, it's been going pretty well the last six months or something. It's been crazy 12 months. It's an absolute amazing room up there. Like we are very proud Queenslanders ourselves and the whole room is just littered in history. We always say to everyone, if those walls could tour, it would be absolutely incredible. A rich tapestry. Um, I wanted to ask, cause you have blown up and you're doing quite well, but you're not the first kind of couple of blokes to come together and sit behind a microphone and just talk shit about what happens at the pub or beers or all that sort of stuff. Why do you reckon, why do you reckon it's taken off and it's doing well?
What's the secret sauce? What's the secret to the particular brand of dribble you offer?
Yeah, we have no idea. I don't know.
Cause we're just incredibly ordinary people. Like that's what we always say to our mates. Like we're just like, we're just two average blokes who just chat a lot of shit, which is pretty much like three quarters of Australia. Yeah, the thing is as well, like we've been made since grade eight.
So that was what, 2008 or something. Um, yeah, thanks. Um, so like when we sit down and have a chat at the pub, obviously there's microphones and cameras and stuff there, but we would be literally having the same chats if we weren't there. And people will say to us like, oh, last week's podcast you talked about blah, blah, blah. I'm like, I have fucking absolutely no recollection at all. I'll say something in five minutes. There's a great chance. I can't remember what I said at the start of this podcast. It's just, it's just all constant dribbles. Yeah.
Sometimes we as well, we'll catch ourselves talking. So I was like, no, let's, let's pause this chat and save it for on air. I think what's been good for us as well though, we did, um, we created a little hotline you could call into with just whatever the froth line, the froth line, the frothy. So we've got, um, we like to give people a voice as well. So because everyone loves listening to themselves.
So, um, yeah, we get some of the punters to call in and we answer their problems or just, well, we don't really, no, we don't know. I actually don't know if we've ever properly answered a question on the podcast. Yeah, no, definitely no. Probably just provided more confusion, but yeah, which is, we try our best. We try our best.
People do love listening to themselves and same newspaper business as well. People always talk shit about the media and journalists, but if you're often the opportunity to get a picture in the Baturda Advocate or if you know, people can get their face in the newspaper, the Daily Telegraph or whatever, they're always up for it. In the early days, we used to have a burner phone. So people could call up the Baturda Advocate and give us their feedback. But it's always amazed me that, you know, these people who call up to abuse you and then like you sit there and you listen to them, you know, calling you.
So you're fucking this, you're fucking that. And then you can give it back to them. And they're like, Oh Jesus Christ. Yeah. You're just like, Oh, you've buddy fucking lefties. You know, you just got no idea how the fucking world works. It's great. We enjoy that aspect as well. Yeah.
What percentage do you have to cut? I know there'd be shit ones, but are there ones that you're just like, Holy fuck.
Back in the day, we used to listen to every call. And at the start, I was only three or four calls away, but once it cottoned on, we'd sit at the Caxton sometimes for two and a half, three hours doing a podcast because we're listening to everything.
Thinking back on that, that was so dumb. Yeah. We're not the brightest blokes. You know what else is fucking so stupid.
Like if people have never run a podcast, I might not know, but we've got one of those things over there. A road cast, which essentially you plug all your microphones into hit a record button and it records everything.
Right. Yeah. For the first three months or something when we were doing the calls, I was holding my phone up to the microphone and then someone, someone's like, you realize you can Bluetooth your phone to the thing you record off. I was like, Holy fuck. Or you can just plug it in. Yeah.
So we just don't think essentially that's what we're getting out here. Now we obviously vet all the calls now and fucking, we had this chat on one of our episodes was ages ago now. Um, Telstra pay phones, why are they called pay phones when all calls are free? Like what? They haven't been like, I know that you're only fucking 10 years old, but they haven't been free for very long. I mean like it's only been since bloody, you know, this so-called pandemic. Yeah. But still like, anyway, so we talked about how they're free phones and we're like, we want to send Telstra broke.
So whenever you walk past one, ring us up on the phone. So we get 50 calls a week of people and someone then decided they want to do an aggressive hang up and just like bash the thing against the, so now we get 50 a week and people's going, Hey guys, I'm at the Telstra phone at blah, blah, blah. Here's an aggressive hang up, just slam.
And I'm just on the train on the way to work, trying to like, how long has that been going for? Oh, too long. How long has that got in? Yeah. Well, the thing I'm scared to get on there and say, please stop it because I think it would just be as soon as you tell them, don't do that.
The fun thing now is people will call up from a free phone and you can see that other people have called from that same one there. So there's some up at nurses that have got to run six or seven times. The one at the Caxton Strait is just absolutely pounded. I reckon we get three calls a week from it almost. But yeah, we do vet a lot of the calls and especially from the hours of eight o'clock Saturday night till 5am Sunday morning, we get some shockers.
You can imagine the absolute dribble coming out of people's mouths when they're a bottle of Bundy deeps. Yeah. A bottle of Bundy deeps. Wouldn't be a lot coming out of my mouth. I reckon after a moment. Yeah, no, you're just like, you have a bottle of Bundy and you close your eyes and you open them again and you're in a courtroom. Bad stuff.
We love it though. That's it.
So you always, when you started the Caxton, was that just first recorded the Caxton or was it, how did it work? I think Darce actually did a podcast with another mate of ours, used to podcast out of his apartment, this little apartment in Tenerife. And they used to rearrange his entire house just to do a podcast and rearrange it back. And Sterling from the CACO was there for that podcast.
And I think Darce made the suggestion that we rent a space. And there's a couple other podcasts up in Brisbane that we're mates with, Pig Athletic Club, Great Blokes. And we're all like, we should just rent out of space together each week. And we just got told, hey, go up to the Caxton. There's a little spot up there for you.
But the first episode we ever did was at my mum's house. We literally used Apple headphones and plugged them into a laptop to record it. And then we did one with Dennen Kemp. We used to film with a GoPro. And at this stage we had little lapel mics, which plugged into like your phone jack.
So everyone's just recording a voice memo. Fancy. None of the mics work. So the whole podcast is just GoPro audio.
So we're with Dennen. And that was like, fuck, we've got to be here. So we're saying to him, we're like, this is the worst set up ever. He's like, it's okay, fellas. I started with a laptop as well that ran cords up to two microphones and I sat in my backyard doing it. Yeah. Well, this is a lot shitter than that.
And now he drives a European car.
That's para podcast. That's it. We're hoping to get there one day as well. But yeah, we've sorted our audio out now, thankfully.
But yeah, we did a few at home and in a couple of breweries and stuff and then yeah, COVID hit. So we're on zoom once a week, but pretty much straight out of COVID.
I think we're in the Carxton. Back at the mighty Carxton.
What was it like because you're down in Brisbane, like you're essentially on the front lines of COVID. I mean, you had all those people who were jumping the fence down there at Coolangatta. How was it down there in the city? Up here in Batuta, aside from the first one that went for six weeks, that was all over the country.
We didn't have another lockdown. We were sort of lucky. We had that first lockdown and it was a bit crazy. And then we just kept dodging it.
I think the likes of Melbourne and stuff got it worse than us. I don't know how they lasted because even that first six weeks was fucked. And it was real weird after it. The rules in the pubs and stuff were bizarre. You had to be seated to drink at one stage and The buddy Caxton, I think, copped a fine because four blokes were standing up having a beer together catching up. It's insane right now when you think about it. Fuck me, dad. I don't know how businesses survived. The first night the Caxton reopened, we booked a table and it was like 12 of us, one of our mates' birthday, the whole pub, just us 12 sitting at a table.
You do feel like a celebrity at that point. The rules as well. You can't stand up. You have to be sitting there. I get it. Like, you know, I'm mingling and dancing, but also like, just don't stop people from mingling and dancing. It was very weird to me that COVID couldn't pass when you were seated, but as soon as you got in that upwards position of standing up, you're absolutely fucked. Exactly.
I didn't mind the table service element of it. That was quite nice to be able to sit there and just have that. That was all that was just like being over in Europe. I mean, it's, you know, the heart of luxury, you know, and just having some bloke, you know, who in this country at a pub, it's rude to provide table service and you've just got these hospitality professionals like yourself having that, you know, play the role of a waiter.
I mean, it's just un-Australian. It really is. It's too much effort.
Now it's just back to fucking trying to get a dominant shoulder in front of like a couple of 18 year olds at the bar and then standing behind four girls who order like eight cocktails, four different varieties. At a pub, they run half the ingredients. The average drinks per minute decreases significantly. In the last 10 minutes of happy hour.
Yeah. It's crazy. Crazy. So you blokes, you drink a lot of craft beer, yeah? Uh, yeah.
Not as much these days, but during lockdown, I was trying a new one every day, I think, almost. You go out to the bottle at the start of the week, grab a couple of different four packs and just, uh, sit there and play some, uh, some Xbox drink. It depends on the occasion, I think. Like, you've got to, if you're strapping in for a big day, there's no way you're choosing your craft beer, really.
Oh no. Well, you can't. I mean, like, I don't know about you guys, but every time I go hammer and tong on the crafties, the next day, it feels like I've been electrocuted. Yeah. It feels like hammering tongs. It feels like someone has taken the top off my brain, got the tongs, taken it out and I'm just hitting it with a hammer. Yeah.
What's the worst craft beer hangover you've ever had? I had one in COVID that lasted for like two and a half days, like talking Wednesday morning at working from home, like shaking with anxiety from drinking craft beers, my brother in the garage. So that would be right up there for me. I get bad hangovers too, like really bad. I think the worst I've ever had was off a little IPA is the Indian pale ale, which I'm still confused why it's a pale ale because it's a fairly dark beer.
So I'm just, something that always blows my mind. Also what makes it Indian. Yeah. I'm not sure.
I don't think they were brewing beer to be able to get their own beer. It was the English when they were over there, they were brewing beer.
Really? Oh, there you go. There you go.
That's what you do every day. A little quirky history. Every day. That's lovely.
But yeah, I had a night on the Indian pale ales and they are just heavy hoppy beers. And the next day was one of the worst days I've ever experienced. Like I couldn't open my eyes. It was bad.
It's the preservatives and stuff, isn't it? All the additives and preservatives and everything.
I had, the fucking worst one I've had was at the Bathurst 1000, we're up on the hill there in the Bacon Sun, just hooking into these like, the first two were quite nice, but we had a lot of our piss taken by the cops on the way in. So we only had that left and I was like so burnt and I'd had like fucking 15 of these little cans and I was camping up there too. And then like, I just remember pushing back the canvas on the swag and I was in the Baking Sun in the morning. And I've just opened my eyes and I've just, it was indescribable.
Just the absolute terror and just the pain. There's nothing worse. It does not sound good at all. It is, it's pain as well. And you just know it's not ending anytime soon. It's the death, like it is suffering.
I don't know why we do it to ourselves. It's for the love of the game. For the content for you guys, I guess. Well, yeah, we're just two pretty average blokes and we drink a lot of Forex being Queenslanders. So we found that a lot of these craft beers are actually delicious, but blokes like us are a bit hesitant to get out there and try them. So that's sort of the, what we were trying to break down, like we don't want to be talking about fucking mouthfeel and tasting notes and stuff. It's just, is it good? Can you drink a lot of them? It's a yay or nay for us. Do you see a review a lot or is it just moved into- We've just fallen away now.
It's pretty much pure dribble, but we want to get back into it. And we actually launched a beer with a brewery up in Brizzy Revel like what, a week ago, a week and a half ago. So we're still trying to sort of stay true to our roots. It's a strawberry and cream sour. So it's pretty delicious. We did it with them last year and it's back.
Hump full of strawberries and lactose. Sounds tasty, but also sounds like severe head noise if you were to have more than- That's the least of your worries, the head noise. The head noise is the least of your worries, that's for sure. It's the tummy grumbling. Yeah, the lactose. All that lactose in there.
We found out the hard way last year. It's actually funny.
We're at the brewery for the launch. Never had the beer before and just pounding schooners of it. And I was talking to the brewer, I was like, oh, my guts are playing up. I don't know what I had for lunch. He's like, oh no, mate, that'd be the beer.
Like there's heaps of lactose in it. So it makes sure you swap out. But like when you have your next one, I was like, oh shit, I didn't even think about that. And they have this other sour, the mango mac. It tastes like a wheeze bar. It's unbelievable. Yeah, it's amazing. I was like, I swear to have a couple of them drink it. And like an hour later, I was like, mate, I am no good. Like my guts. He's like, oh, did you swap out? I was like, yeah, I'm having the mango mac. And he's like, oh, that's got three times the amount of lactose. It's pretty crazy.
But that toilet, they only have one toilet there.
And he got an absolute workout that night. I've never seen more efficient people.
Yeah. You'd hate to have some of that if you're lactose intolerant. Yeah, someone did. Doing an absolute number on your knife. This bloke rocked up. He's like, I'm fucking lactose intolerant, but I love you boys. So I'm going to try this beer.
He would have had a shocking night, that bloke. Yeah, he was no good.
No, it is good though. It's a great tasting beer besides what was just said there. Best enjoyed in moderation.
Yeah, exactly. It's a bit of a risk reward thing. You get yourself into it. Just have one. Yeah, that's it. Yeah. And then drive. Yeah, exactly right.
Like we'll be doing all weekend in Sydney, just having, responsibly having one or two. Darce made a suggestion when we flew into Sydney that maybe we should have got a high car. I just laughed. There's no way that we'd be in any state to drive this whole weekend. It was a fleeting thought.
Yeah. And thank God it went away. I'll tell you what though. I heard from this bloke, I don't know if it's true, but at Dan Murphy's, their best selling beer is Carlton Zero. Really? Yeah. God, I hope that's not true.
Alcohol free beer is taking over. It is taking over. It's ridiculous. There are pubs in, there's Brewdog up in Brisbane. Now they come from the UK. They have dedicated bars over there to zero alcohol beers.
In England.
Why don't you just eat a loaf of bread?
Or just have like a soda water. Soda water is pretty tasty. I just think of Coca Cola.
She's pretty popular. Go grab one of them. I also heard that they're quite popular with like alcoholics.
Yeah, right. Like it's a good way to break the cycle, but you're also getting that mouthfeel, that taste. I definitely understand that. You're fitting in as well. Have you ever tried any of them? Yeah, I've had that heaps normal. Yeah, I've had that.
That's entirely drinkable. For some reason, my office at work, they stock them in the fridge, like the drinks fridge, obviously. There are a fair bit of degenerates that work at your place. Understandable. Yeah, I know my old man, he used to work at CUB breweries and his mates were like, you've got to try this Carlton Zero. It actually tastes like beer.
He was pushing it on me and I remember trying it for the first time and just went, this is... the aftertaste was terrible. I could not deal with it. It was just shocking stuff.
Yeah, I was at a barbecue a couple of weeks ago and a bloke, he bought it because it was cheaper and he thought that it was low carb. Yeah, that it had no carbs in it.
Oh, shit. He had like four of them and he was like, oh yeah, it's pretty good. I'm like, like, mate, what are you doing? You can drive. Are you driving? He was like, oh fuck.
The worst thing is it's not, they're not even that cheap. Like they're cheaper. No, they should be so much cheaper than they are. I know, like you can't do 13, 14 bucks for a six. Yeah, I think it's like 40 bucks for a cash.
Half, half the cost of beer is in excess. Tax and stuff. Yeah. I mean, like, what are they taxing on alcohol free beer? Yeah, you can get a bottle of soda water for a dollar at Willy's. We were chatting about it the other week on the pod though, about how like someone called up and said, could you send an alcoholic free beer to school with your kid in the lunchbox to drink?
Where do we sit on that? It's an interesting one. Well, you can buy them at the supermarket. Yeah. Which is a lot of people drink them in like offices and stuff for lunch. Yeah. I got a few friends who reckon people in their office will just get a fucking Carlton Zero or a Peroni Zero and just have it with lunch. Because they like, they taste it.
I don't reckon that that's pretty fucking weird. I don't think that's heaps normal. Yeah, heaps weird.
I mean, like, sure enough, like you can have them like with your dinner, but to have an alcohol free beer with your pad thai. Yeah. In the office. Just showing off. It's fucking grim. I mean, just have a can of Coke. Exactly. Now, you just mentioned jobs.
Are we, where are we at in the podcast journey? Nearly full-time podcasters or?
I won't be for a while. I'm a second year plumbing apprentice, so I'm going to finish that off first.
That's where the money is, man. There's fucking no money in podcasting. No, no, no, not at all, so.
But hopefully, like, it's tough to tell. It's been like, if you had have said to us six, 12 months ago, we'd be where we are now, I would have been like, fuck no way. So I think like, we'd love to do it within the next 12 months. That seems almost unrealistic at the moment, but like anything can happen. So we'll have to wait and see, but you're pushing for it all the time. I feel like I was just like, yeah, but nah, sorry.
Yeah, I'd love to love to just fast track that apprenticeship and get out of the sun. Yes. I'm currently rocking a cigarette tan at the moment. The nice orange arms, the white upper. So yeah, it'd be good to get out of that sun. I'll get there eventually.
Cutty reckons he's, second year Plummy Press, reckons he's seen shit once.
It's true. I do commercial and civil newborns. Oh, yeah, right.
So you work in my hutchies or something like that? Oh, I haven't done any hutchies jobs yet.
But we do like a lot of child cares and stuff like that. And the plumbing in those joints, because those little kids get shit stuck everywhere, is ridiculous.
So no, we don't, I'm very thankful. Don't really do any maintenance. I think I saw shit once and that was midway through last year because we broke an existing pot. How'd you handle it? I didn't.
We got the tradesman jumped in and did that for us. At second year apprentice, you got out of getting into there. Mate, I work with some great blokes.
Yeah. But yeah, I don't know how I thought, oh, well, here we go.
We have to get our fingers a bit dirty. Surely to get signed off, you're going to have to get your fingers dirty at least.
Most likely, but we haven't had to so far. It'd be good if that continues. Do the boys on site give the podcasts a run? A few of them do.
My boss, actually, he had some surgery a month or two ago. When he was lying in his hospital bed, he was going crazy, not being able to do work. So a bit of a madman.
But he started listening and was like, geez, you guys talk absolute shit. That's what it's terrible.
I love it. There's nothing different to what I do at work.
So yeah, a few of the boys listen. The apprentices mainly. The older fellas don't really get around it as much.
Haven't quite figured out podcasts. No, no. It's sometimes terrifying though. As we said, our podcast is just the shit that we'd be chatting at the pub, which is fine. But some of the conversations you have at the pub with your mates probably aren't play on for the likes of your auntie or something, your mum's friends. And then they're over for dinner and they're like, oh, I heard when you guys were talking about, you know, some of the weird shit we're talking about. The thing that I've been experiencing at the moment, my missus, her grandma is on Facebook, right? I've done a couple of things for summarizing the Today Show for Budgie recently, where I've been dropping it down low in the budgies on TV and she would get texts from her grandma being like, oh, was that your boyfriend?
Yeah. Talking about craft beer, hanging out in the woods. Don't you see, Caroline? Yeah. It's a bit of a scary sight.
Because Koshy did. Because she did.
It'd be hard to translate through the generations there for the girlfriend probably. The pay lady loved it. I got a text from her straight away.
Yeah. But yeah, it's been interesting. Haven't run into too much strife. No, no, not yet. Not yet. Hopefully we keep that going. Yeah. Yes, exactly.
I don't know how I'd handle the heat.
The joys of podcasting the journey. Anyway, we wish you all the best in the ordinary. Get it done. Take it home. Thank you. Thanks very much for stopping out here at Desert Rock FM Studios. Pleasure to be here.
Yeah, no worries. Thanks for coming up, boys. Go well, boys. Cheers, boys. |
PhilomenaCunkOn | cunk_s_best_one_interview_experts_part_2 | So what's this painting? So this is Alessandro Bocelli's The Birth of Venus. It's one of the great paintings of the Renaissance. So do we know if The Birth of Venus actually looked like this? Well, it's depicting a sort of mythical figure, so it's sort of metaphorical. So it's the idea of a goddess who is coming into being rather than being...
Her neck's very long. Was she part giraffe or could he just not do necks? No, her...her neck... It's meant to be a sign of beauty that he would have elongated the neck.
I've spotted a mistake here. Look, he's blowing and her hair's all whipping about. But look at these trees on the right.
Not moving at all, no wind.
I think these people have been photoshopped in. It's all fake.
And what is a feminist? A feminist is a person, male or female, who thinks that women should have the same human and civic rights as men. Can a feminist wear make-up?
Well, I'm wearing it at the moment, and so I would think that's perfectly possible. But if they found out, they might cast you out, do you think? I'm not sure who would cast me out. I don't think people go around casting people out.
If men were women, do you think they'd have been better at doing feminism than we are? I don't think men would be any better than women are at putting forward the feminist case.
They're always thinking about sex, aren't they? Like a lot of people, they're thinking about how to pay their mortgages, how to put food on the table. There are lots of questions to fill up everybody's daily lives.
So they're just like us, really, aren't they? They've got their own little personalities. I think they have, and some of those personalities are a lot littler than other personalities. But there's certainly a very, very rich range of them.
If a policeman brought the law, would he be able to arrest himself? I don't think so, no. Under the Police and Criminal Evidence Act, the arresting officer has to sign the prisoner over to the custody officer, and if they were one and the same person, I can't see how that would work. Also, I don't know how the investigator can interview themself legally under that act. And if the case ever got to court, which I don't think it would, the defendant would be in a position to cross-examine himself. So I think the judge would stop the trial at that point. No, I think that's the answer to your question.
Do you have to be careful about people that might have peanut allergies? Because some people haven't tried nuts before, have they? That's very interesting issue, whether or not peanut allergies are a sort of first-world problem.
Um, I don't know, what an interesting thought. Mm, thank you. Which is better, chugging or writing rom-coms? Is chugging asking for money on the... Charity mugging, yeah. I think the outcome, the result of chugging, is better, because it actually helps, you know, people whose lives are hard, whereas I don't know if rom-coms do do that. I think you're being very modest. I think they make people realise that there's lots of posh people that... ..are quite funny.
How does weather actually work? And if you could make it snappy, cos it's going to be on iPlayer? Um, well, you know, the atmosphere is constantly in motion. This motion means that you get winds, if the air is rising... Yeah, I'm going to need you to be a bit more snappy. Um, you get rain, you get snow. Snappy.
Er, er, er... In one word? Er, energy. Energy, yeah.
So this is the Colt single-action army revolver, the Colt .45, and you load it through here, and you'd have to cock the hammer back for each shot. Would this only kill people during the olden days, or could it kill modern people too? I'm afraid it definitely could kill modern people. It's so old, it sort of looks clockwork, doesn't it?
Do the bullets come out slowly? Could you sort of outrun the bullet? You definitely couldn't outrun the bullet.
You're right to say it looks clockwork. It's very like a clock mechanism, with a ratchet inside. Ratchet? A ratchet.
Where do the bullets come out? Do they come out of that pipe bit? They do, yeah. That's the barrel.
Can I hold that up and look down the end of it, or will that shoot me in the eye? It's generally frowned upon. So would getting shot in the eye actually hurt? Because it's just a sort of water bag, isn't it, your eye? I bet it'd just pop and sting a bit, but you'd basically be able to go about your business.
I don't know. I don't think there's any good place to get shot.
When they do reconstructions, you know, on telly, they're dead convincing, aren't they? Have any of them sort of, like, got a bit out of hand and turned back into an actual crime? Not to my knowledge, no. It must have happened. Must have.
Probably not. They're relatively highly... It probably has happened, though. We'd probably have heard of that if it had happened.
All right, OK. When a femininist looks in the mirror, do they see an equal woman or a better woman? Erm... They quite often, like all of us, look for what they want to see and they look for what they hope to see. You see yourself back to front, don't you, in a mirror? But not upside down. Why is that? Well, hopefully, because that's the way that mirrors are designed. What power's a mirror? Sorry, you're not the mirrors expert, are you?
I'm afraid not. Why does humankind feel the need to invent killing machines like this? And could you keep your answer to a sort of soundbite length? Because we're human, I suppose. It seems to be built in to us to fight for resources. Yeah. Other humans. Yeah. Don't seem to get away from it. I know, I just think we're mental.
The world's getting hotter, isn't it? But how can we stop ourselves from turning into steam? What do we do? Shall we just start eating more salad and stuff like that? It's certainly true. We will have to adapt to a warmer climate. And we will probably have to eat different things. Ice cream and stuff. Well, certainly as the world gets warmer, you know...
Probably going to be an ice ban, though, isn't it? So we can't have ice lollies. I don't think so.
It's not that bad. How hot is too hot? You know, I mean, we'll be like going, ow, all the time. If global warming happens really slowly, then the world could probably adapt to being quite a lot warmer than it is today.
And we'll be long gone by then, so... Well, that's true, but you've got to think about, you know, our children and our children's children. I'm not going to have kids, I don't think. Well, some people are... Yeah, some people will. But not until, like, their children's children, so... We don't, so I care a little bit about that.
Why do you think it's important that Jesus was born? Would it have been more interesting if he'd have been built like R2-D2? It would have been more interesting, but the important thing is that he can identify with us and he was a real human being. It makes him more sort of relatable. Yes, very much so. But then if he's meant to be like an ordinary bloke and he wanted to come across as an ordinary bloke, how come he had all, like, angels and kings at his stable on his birthday?
Well, that was a bit weird, wasn't it? Although, of course, I would want to say that angels are around all the time. You don't necessarily see them there and then, but sometimes you catch a glimpse of something out of the corner of your eye, or maybe you smell a nice fragrance. Vanilla?
Maybe. How many three wise men were there? Who knows? And I think only one of the Gospels refers to there being three, but it's just three is a good number, isn't it? It looks good. But there could have actually been 15 three wise men. Quite possibly, yes.
What's the difference between economics and economics? Nothing. It's just the way you pronounce the E. I think I prefer economics to economics, but I wonder what...
You could put the same question into the Chancellor and the government of the Bank of England and see whether they like the hardy or the softy. Hardy or softy?
Economics, economics.
OK. Can you make it stop? Yes, of course.
It's incredible, isn't it, that we're here now, but that voice came from years ago. If I speak into this trumpet bet, can I ask the person a question about what it's like, where they are? No, you can't, because the recording was made over 100 years ago.
But it's a phonograph, doesn't it work like a phone? A phonograph means a sound writing in Greek, so it doesn't mean telephone.
So they can hear us, but they can't reply? Er, I wouldn't say they can't hear us. We hear them, we hear their recording. They can't hear us and they can't reply to us? I would say they can't, no. So what's the point of it? Well, it's so we can hear music and voice and sounds.
So can it record sounds that haven't happened yet? Erm, no. What about sounds that happened earlier? If those sounds were recorded at the time, it can't capture something that's been in the past.
It seems quite limited, to be honest. Money's all stored in computers these days, isn't it? How does a computer know what money looks like? How does it know? Well, the er, how does it recognise anything? How does a computer recognise, you know, erm, erm...
So you don't know? It's, er, you know, you know in principle, but you don't know in detail, no. Do you know what I think's happened?
Someone's told the computer what money looks like. They've gone up to a computer and they've said, this is like a PS5 note. And then that computer's told the others.
When you have a coin, where is the money in that coin? If I were to take a coin and cut it open, could I take the money out of that coin and then it'd be empty? No, the coin is a token. The whole point about the coins in your pocket is they're universally accepted as a way of buying things. That's what the money is.
How much does it cost to make a one pence piece? Because it's, if it's less than one pence, then it's a con, isn't it? But if it's like more than one pence, then, do you see what I mean?
Yeah. Sort of not worth it now. Yeah, yeah.
It's a tiny amount of money to create a one penny piece. And that's why they're ripping us off.
Hello, who are you? I'm Doron Suede. I'm an historian of computing and I was responsible for building this engine.
So what games does it have? It doesn't have any games. It must have like some basic games, like Mario Kart or Snake.
I'm afraid not. Or Patience, like the shittest one. It must have Patience. I'm afraid it doesn't. It doesn't have any games. None whatever.
It just does mathematical calculation. So where's the screen on this computer? The screen again is part of the electronic era. This has no screens. As it happens, you don't need to read the numbers because it prints them automatically for you. It's a shame, isn't it, that it doesn't have a screen because then you could turn it upside down and the numbers would become rude words. You know, like with a calculator.
Yes. Have you ever done that? I haven't, but I know what you mean. You've done this, but you haven't done that. Correct.
So what's medicines? Medicines, if we're talking about tablets. Well, I was thinking more of the liquid ones. Well, the liquid ones are the same as the tablets, only they're normally given to children who can't take tablets.
Oh, right. That's a big difference. Bon Jovi sung about bad medicine. I think we're gonna look at a clip of that now. Right. Don't worry, if you can just nod your head as if you've seen the clip. So was that medically accurate? No, it wasn't.
What is time? We don't actually know. There are a couple of possibilities. Either time could be a physical thing that flows like a river or it could be more of a psychological thing. When you say it's like a river, what do you mean? I mean that time flows like the water in the river and that the events in our lives are like things in the river that water encounters. Like fish and stuff. Yes.
You know when you store time on a clock, how do you get it back out again? Because when I was winding my watch up, I accidentally put it forward. So I'd got two hours more in my clock. But then I put it back. But I thought, is it still in there? Is the time still in the clock? So your watch doesn't actually measure time.
Well, it does, because it's accuracy. It measures the oscillation of a crystal and the change in the physical state of that crystal has to happen in what we call a certain amount of time. So from one moment to another, physical systems everywhere in the universe changes its state. And that change takes place in what we call time. And that's the only way we can infer the existence of time. But actually what time is, we don't know. Right. |
TheOnion | Zoologists_Thrilled_After_Successfully_Getting_Pair_Of_Bengal_Tigers_To_69_In_Captivity | It's back-to-school season, which means it's back-to-school week here at The Topical. But as the coronavirus pandemic rages on, this school year may be unlike anything we've ever experienced. Hear why many of the nation's angsty teens are calling their return to the classroom quote, whatever.
And later, we take a look at the conspiracy theory surrounding NASA's storied Apollo program that nearly 23% of Americans still believe. Could it actually be possible that Neil Armstrong's moon orgasm was faked?
From the Onion and Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is The Topical. You could go endanger yourself and your family by trying to get an education, or you could stick around and learn a thing or two right here. Back in a moment. Parenting.
Everybody who's anybody does it, and if you don't, you're a failure whose bloodline will perish with you. Good riddance to you and your kind, I say.
But before taking the leap, you may ask yourself, isn't parenting difficult? Well sweep those worries aside, because a new study out of Duke University has confirmed that it's actually very easy to be a good parent. Here with more is OPR Parenting correspondent, Dr. Laura Daubert.
Welcome. Oh, thanks for having me, Leslie.
So give it to me straight. Just how easy is it to parent a child? Well, according to these findings, incredibly. The main takeaway is this. Humans have been parenting for thousands and thousands of years, so honestly, how hard can it be? I mean, cavemen, people who were literally too stupid to invent jet skis or window blinds could raise children without a problem. Anyone can do it. Without a doubt, history supports that claim, but if this is true, why are so many parents so stressed out all the time? Yeah, it's pretty clear from the data that those are just shitty parents. I spoke with one of the study's writers and researchers, Irene Ritchie, about this exact point. Here she is. We hear about god-awful, exhausted, grouchy parents all the time, but in 99 out of 100 of those cases, they're just overthinking everything. It's crazy to think about now, but there were generations of parents who didn't even have iPads to throw in front of their kids' faces, so I don't know why the difficulty has been played up over the last few years. At the end of the day, it's all about not screwing the thing, uh, I mean, child up. Interesting. Now, Laura, what about all those necessary skills they need to survive as an adult, like charging a cell phone or filling out a W-9? How are they expected to learn those? Well, that's what teachers are for, not parents. The evidence shows that as far as parents are concerned, pretty much all you have to do is tell them to be good, like once a month.
Maybe you take care during these troubled times, but that's about it. Your job is done. Maybe sprinkle in, and I love you, if you have extra time at the end of the day, but none of that is required.
Whoa there, I'm not going for father of the year, just looking to keep social services off my back. Now, how about people who say it's hard to balance having a personal life with being a parent? What advice would you have for them? Oh, if parenting is getting in the way of your personal life, you're doing it wrong.
Simple as that. Just listen to how carefree and happy this good parent I spoke to is. Life has been a breeze ever since I had kids. I just wake up in the morning, make sure they're not dead, feed them, and try to make sure they're still not dead by the time they go to bed. And personally, I'm getting more sleep than ever. I'm even thinking about taking up macrame as a way to pass all this free time I have now. Absolutely.
Now, because I would never expose my own stepson, Derek, to the risks of coming into a crowded office space during a pandemic, we're joined now by my quote unquote son, Simon, who's going to help demonstrate for our audience some of the parenting issues I've been having. Do I get paid for this? If you keep this shit up, there is no dinner for you. How do you like that, you fat fuck? All right, Laura, so walk me through how to parent. Just pat him on the head like this or what? Oh, remember, Leslie, parenting shouldn't be work.
And there is no shame in giving up. If you're not good at it, my advice would simply be to find a new hobby. You know, I hear amazing things about macrame. Oh, that's exactly what I needed to hear. Okay, scram, Simon.
You don't have a father anymore. Finally. See you never, bitch.
Oh, wow. That was really easy. What a weight off my shoulders. Thank you, Laura. I feel amazing.
We'll see if I can maintain this until after the break. Back in a moment. Man, I gotta try that out with Aaron.
It's being hailed as quite an achievement today as conservationists at the San Diego Zoo were able to successfully get a pair of Bengal tigers to 69 in captivity. Joining us now with more is one of the researchers responsible for the breakthrough accomplishment, San Diego Zoo Director Mason Shubali.
Mason, thank you for joining us. It's my pleasure. Thank you for having me. Mason, this is being called a major breakthrough in conservation history.
Why?
Conservation methods are always aimed at accurately duplicating an animal's natural habitats. And unfortunately, our habitats until now just weren't accurate enough to make the animals feel comfortable banging out like they do in the wild.
So in their natural habitats, they're regularly 69ing each other? Yes. Mutual oral sex is a necessary and healthy part of any big cat's sexual repertoire. They're sex-positive animals, so they typically want to give and receive in equal parts whenever their partner is in the mood. They typically can go for hours in the wild. But when Annika and Rakan, our two Bengal cats, went down on each other for 45 minutes, it was more than we could hope for. Interesting.
Now, other than understanding that the animals are more comfortable at the zoo, what other kind of information can you glean from this? Well, this tells us that the $90 million we put into the zoo's Bone Zone program over the last few years was a complete success. We spent a lot of time and resources into making their habitats at the zoo more sensual.
Oh, how so? Well, more sturdy tree branches for intercourse, piles of dead grass and leaves for foreplay called the hump-dump, as well as low lighting and the occasional sex swing to get the cats in the mood. And did that always work? Not always. For a while, we were giving the animals raw cuts of meat, a natural aphrodisiac for them. But that just resulted in a lot of the tigers stopping mid-coital and laying on top of each other motionless for hours because they were too full to fuck. Right. But back to the 69ing, was this all happening in front of zoo-goers? Oh no. Just because they're sex-positive creatures doesn't mean they're public deviants. We always put up a privacy curtain, and we'd usher the neighboring pandas inside each time since the pandas were prone to becoming peeping toms and masturbating behind their tree branches when the tigers would get going. Well, I've got to say, it's just a remarkable accomplishment.
What's next for you and your conservation team? Now we want to get captive-born giraffes back to eating ass just like they would in the African savanna.
That's fantastic, Mason. Looking forward to seeing that in person someday. I want to thank our guest, San Diego Zoo Director Mason Shubile, for joining us today. If you want to stay up-to-date on this story, be sure to check out OPR.com for a link to the San Diego Zoo's Bengal Tiger Sex Cam, streaming live 24-7. Back with more right after this.
Compassion, kindness, and what one little girl with a one-in-a-million rare genetic condition wants the world to know. That's the story we were going to bring you today, but never mind that now, because we've just received some urgent breaking news outside our studio window. A total hunk has been spotted on the roof deck below us, and oh boy, he is just our type. Whoo! OPR hunk expert Marcy Hammond joins us now. Marcy, welcome. Thanks, Leslie. We are live at the scene at the OPR office, plastered against the windows and staring down at the rooftop of the building across the street where this grade-A beefcake is stationed. The news first broke out about five minutes ago when we spied something dark and handsome through the blinds. Is it our lucky day or what? Luck or perhaps an act of God has placed this divine piece of man-made in full view before us, and sources have confirmed he is a certified hottie. Marcy, I'm not afraid to say I can't stop staring, and I won't.
Now come a little closer, stud, so we can count those abs. And it seems he is. This gorgeous stranger is now moving in our direction toward the edge of the roof. Oh wow, this hunk is ripped. He looks like an athlete. He might as well be one with the ease he just hopped that safety railing. And based on that whole bottle of Jack Daniel's he's drinking, details are also emerging that he must be some kind of a sexy party boy who doesn't give a fuck.
Oh, I like that. Oh, another update.
The hunk has now made his way to the very edge of the roof where he is standing, peering down at the pavement 14 stories below. And we'll be honest, it is a great view for us. I mean, look at those pegs, those shoulders, that face. It's almost like it has a mysterious inherent sadness to it. So hot. I believe he's crying now. Oh, he's the sensitive type too. Well, this just keeps getting better and better. Oh, oh, and look at him pace back and forth up there. Oh my god, he's got good calves too. Ooh, I just hope he doesn't choose to go back inside. Heh heh heh. Hey, there are a lot of people down there. Yes, it looks like a crowd is swarming in the street, looking up presumably to check this hunk out.
Huh. Uh oh, Marcy, and speaking of hunks, here comes the fire department. Hey-oh, just when we thought this day couldn't get any hotter, I don't know if my spank bank's gonna be able to fit all these hunks. Oh yeah. Huh, it seems they're yelling something up at him. Ooh.
They better not be asking him out. Yeah, we saw him first, guys. I'm gonna let them know. Clear the news.
This thing, and you down there on the ladder, take off your shirt too. Yeah, take it off. Take it off.
Oh. He was Yeah. Huh.
Well, he's not a hunk anymore. God giveth and God taketh away.
Uh, should we do that little girl story now? What are you talking about? Never mind. We'll be back in a moment. I know after that last story, you probably think you've learned everything there is to know in this world of ours. Well, sorry to be the bearer of bad news. Here's what else you need to know today.
A new report out today from cultural anthropologist at the University of California Santa Cruz has revealed that an increasing number of women are forgoing the custom of taking their husband's last name and instead opting for something totally badass, like diesel. Researchers found that, especially in the case of women who've worked hard to establish themselves professionally, taking a way-fucking-cooler name like Nitro, Pulverizer, Shredder, or Doomsday can help maintain their identity, if not vastly improve upon it.
And interesting news for students looking to get a leg up in the classroom. A new study out today has found a significant link between earning high standardized test scores and being a 45-year-old man in a propeller hat pretending to be a fifth grader. Makes sense. I always tell my stepson, Derek, that he could be a much older student if he just applied himself.
And finally, a new report out today has found that the universe will end next Friday. And just to be clear, that's not tomorrow, but next Friday, so the one after tomorrow, that's when the universe will end.
Enjoy it while you still can. And that's it for today's episode of The Topical. I'm Leslie Price. The Topical is produced by The Onion and OPR and recorded in front of a live studio audience. Yeah, let's hear it! You guys were great today. If you want to attend a live recording of The Topical, email your name, phone number, photo of your face, and most recent coronavirus test results to us at OPR at theonion.com. And for those of you in the studio today, look under your seats!
Yeah, it's eels! Watch out, they scream! Yeah, this has been The Topical! We'll see you next time! Eels for everybody! Yeah!
Here comes the fire department! Hey-o, just when we thought this day couldn't get any hotter, I don't know if my spank bank's gonna be able to fit all these hogs. Oh, yeah. Huh, it seems they're yelling something up at him. Ooh. They better not be asking him out. Yeah, we saw him first, guys! I'm gonna let them know. And you down there on the ladder!
Take off your shirt too! Yeah, take it off! Take it off!
Oh! Oh. He was Yeah. Huh.
Well, he's not a hunk anymore. God giveth and God taketh away.
Uh, should we do that little girl story now? What are you talking about? Never mind. We'll be back in a moment. I know after that last story, you probably think you've learned everything there is to know in this world of ours. Well, sorry to be the bearer of bad news. Here's what else you need to know today.
A new report out today from cultural anthropologist at the University of California Santa Cruz has revealed that an increasing number of women are forgoing the custom of taking their husband's last name and instead opting for something totally badass, like diesel. Researchers found that, especially in the case of women who've worked hard to establish themselves professionally, taking a way-fucking-cooler name like nitro, pulverizer, shredder, or doomsday can help maintain their identity, if not vastly improve upon it.
And interesting news for students looking to get a leg up in the classroom. A new study out today has found a significant link between earning high standardized test scores and being a 45-year-old man in a propeller hat pretending to be a fifth grader. Makes sense. I always tell my stepson Derek that he could be a much older student if he just applied himself.
And finally, a new report out today has found that the universe will end next Friday. And just to be clear, that's not tomorrow, but next Friday, so the one after tomorrow, that's when the universe will end.
Enjoy it while you still can. And that's it for today's episode of The Topical. I'm Leslie Price. The Topical is produced by The Onion and OPR and recorded in front of a live studio audience. Yeah, let's hear it! You guys were great today. If you want to attend a live recording of The Topical, email your name, phone number, photo of your face, and most recent coronavirus test results to us at opr at theonion.com. And for those of you in the studio today, look under your seats!
Yeah! It's Eels! Watch out, they scream! Yeah! This has been The Topical. We'll see you next time! Eels for everybody! Yeah! |
cracked | 4_reasons_to_stop_freaking_out_about_the_nsa | National Security Agency whistleblower Edward Snowden claims to be able to wiretap anyone from you to the president with just a personal email address. You or your accountant, to a federal judge, to even the president if I had a personal email. The Guardian reports that the NSA is collecting quote, nearly everything a user does on the internet. According to a new poll conducted by the Pew Research Center for the People and the Press, for the first time since 9-11, Americans are more worried about domestic surveillance and civil liberty abuse than they are of actual terrorists. In addition to the internet search, the NSA is also storing all of our phone records.
Storing them! And like, yeah. I mean, obviously, right? We knew they were doing that, right?
A lot of people have weighed in on this fairly complicated issue from 14-year-olds on the internet all the way to seasoned congressmen trying to win the favor of people that they don't realize are 14-year-olds on the internet. It's a controversial and difficult subject with points to be had on both sides. Members of the agency maintain that they're not going through our data, they're merely storing it, and can only access phone records or utilize wiretapping if they have just cause and the permission of a separate agency, and all in the interest of intercepting terrorists. Local patriots, Reddit users, and Al Gore, on the other hand, maintain that such information gathering is invasive at best and unconstitutional at worst.
You know what crew we haven't heard from yet? The Quiet Dumb Guy demographic. The Quiet Dumb Guy waits on the sidelines while people form passionate opinions on the media and congressmen. He's at every party avoiding eye contact and awkwardly nodding his head whenever people bring up complicated topical issues like Syria and healthcare and the government and how things work in a general sort of way. He knows what happened on Breaking Bad last week and what pop-tarts are like, but if you ask him what he thinks about Russia's stance on homosexuality, he'll just say, Well, it takes all kinds.
Then, pretend to get a phone call and walk away.
Hello? Who is this? Is this... Is this you?
Oh. Oh, but I really want to keep talking about Syria. Okay. I have... This is important. Or else I'd keep talking about Syria. I'm here today as a representative of the Quiet Dumb Guy demographic to say what a lot of us are too silent and stupid to say.
Of course the NSA is monitoring everything we do. You gave yourself to the NSA or whomever else is the adult of America as soon as you trusted all of your shit to a computer. All the smart people are getting up in arms about this and they're just shocked that their personal data is being exposed. But if you'd just been a little bit dumber, you would have seen this coming a long time ago. The Dumb Guy doesn't know how computers work, but he knows that he fed a bunch of information into it and he can get that back whenever he wants, so he assumes it's stored somewhere and that someone has access to it because that's how storage works. Because he didn't physically deliver information to a second person, he knows a third party is involved. That's the deal that you make with computers.
Mom! Mom, I forgot my password!
Oh, the computer. The computer knows it, Mom! The computer knows it. As soon as technology evolved beyond exchanging and then immediately destroying pieces of paper that contained information, the Dumb Guy assumed he was being monitored. Not because he's paranoid, but because his computer has a tower and a monitor, and monitor is like...
It's right in the... It's part... It's most of the word. Don't remember it better than I would. Four...
Oh, f***. Ah, f***!
That's why the Dumb Guy wasn't surprised to hear that the NSA had been digging through our stuff looking for terrorist propaganda, and that's why he never used his computer for anything important. Looks like he only used his computer too. Send emails, read comics, search for corn dog recipes, and one time googled which one is Paraguay, but he spelled it wrong and ended up spending the entire day on Wikipedia's entry for parachutes, so... No. I do not think he is a terrorist threat, Mr. President.
Of the United States. Also, the Dumb Guy knew we were being monitored because he knows what the internet is. Did no one realize this? The internet that is complaining about the government spying is the same internet that likes to leave hateful, anonymous comments right below this video and illegally download movies. You use the internet to be an asshole. The government does too. It just so happens that spying is the form that their assholishness has taken. You can't be mad that they're using your favorite toy to search your emails instead of downloading Game of Thrones. We like to think of the internet as the Wild West.
You know who did whatever the f*** they wanted in the actual Wild West? Cops. Sheriff's shot people for no reason, deputized whomever they wanted, and had public shootouts probably thrilled beyond measure at how easy it was running shit when there weren't any laws. The NSA is just playing its part and being the dirty sheriff who plays by the same rules as the Cowboys.
Bottom line is that most of us aren't even doing anything the NSA would give the tiniest of shits about, so we have no reason to worry. But even if that wasn't the case, the next time you want to get all mad that the NSA is monitoring the information that we magically fly across the world instantly, don't. Don't be dumb. Don't be dumb for doing that.
Oh, and hey, internet that I've just insulted. If you want to buy my fly shirt and others like it, go to the crack dispensary, and if you type in the promo code DOB, you'll get 15% off from now until the end of September. This was a commercial the whole time. I'm going to cross here. |
dropout | your_friend_who_never_learns_partying_sucks | Rekha, what's up with eating ass? What do you mean? I mean, everyone keeps talking about eating ass. Why? Uh, I think they just think it's funny. Hey, Stephanie, what's up? Oh, my God, are you okay? No.
I drank too much last night. I went to a wedding, and I didn't eat beforehand, and everybody kept handing me shots. I feel awful. I am never drinking again. Well, everyone says that when they're hungover.
No, I really mean it. Well, good for you. Are all these people really eating ass? I don't know. I mean, you'll have to ask Raf. He's the dirty booty expert. Whoa.
I thought you said you were never drinking again. I know, and I was being so good all week that then my friend had a baby shower, and it would have been rude if I didn't get shitfaced. I'm never drinking again.
You said that last time. I know what I said, but I made it for real this time, Rekha. Okay. So it's like chewing on the butthole? Did Steph say she wasn't coming in today? Because we have a meeting. Shut up, bitches.
How are you hungover again? It's not my fault. David Blaine's limo dropped us off outside of a fat burger.
Then two strangers wanted me to hold their gatoritas, so I have to drink them. What's a gatorita? It's a Gatorade and tequila. Educate yourself.
I'm never drinking again. Sobriety is a huge challenge, okay, and people don't make that promise lightly. Yeah, duh, bitch. I really mean it. I'm never drinking again.
Why are you FaceTiming me? It wasn't me. It was my butt. I fell asleep on my phone. This is what happens when you drink too much. I didn't drink. I did E. I am so depressed.
It's a common side effect for first-time users. Well, you tried it once. You know you don't like it, so... No, I do it all the time. It's a common side effect for regular users, too.
I will never drink. I've made up my mind. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna eat ass.
Don't tell me this. Tell Raf. Hi, guys. Save it, Stephanie. No one wants to hear how you'll never drink again when clearly you will.
I'm only doing what everybody else is doing, okay? Are you telling me that every single person I know has a problem? Am I surrounding myself with party people? Because I'm trying to escape reality, and life is empty and meaningless, and it is better to feel terrible than to feel nothing.
Oh, the goddamn time! Is that what you're saying, Rekha? Actually, that was all you. That was really insightful. Hey, Stephanie? What? Do you eat ass? You're not. Okay, is that a yes or a no? You know I do. |
dropout | guy_buys_condoms | Listen, uh, before we go back to my place, I need to pick up some... protection, unless do you want to maybe? It's a little embarrassing. No. Ah, cool. Yeah, totally. I was just kidding. Haha. Clean up aisle four, someone straight up puked. Okay, I can do this. Just be cool. No problem. Hey, uh, excuse me, magazines, condoms, aisle three. Oh, whatever. Why should I be embarrassed? He works at a drug store.
I'm the one who's getting laid. Yeah, that's right. I'm getting laid. This is great! Ah! Sorry. Oh my god, I'm getting laid.
What if she wants to do some crazy karma suture position like the broken propeller or the flesh headphones? Wow, so many options. Should the pleasure be for her or for me? Well, I'm going to enjoy it either way, so I might as well get the ones for her pleasure.
Electronically tested. I'd like to be that robot.
Hey, uh, I'm just buying tooth penis. Uh, toothpaste. I'm buying toothpaste, uh, canister, tooth thing.
Could you please leave? Whoa. Maybe I should get the trojan ecstasy since it feels like there's nothing there. Nah, be selfless. Okay, I've got to add some decoys. Uh, oh yeah, I was just here to get a hair dryer, yeah, and um, a shovel, yeah, a shovel, and, whoa, cat fruit, of course, cat fruit, and some tampons, uh, no, ah, ooh, uh, sorry, ooh, nope, mm-mm, ah, self-checkout, perfect. I'll get, I'll just scan these here.
What? What could be even possible?
I'm bored. I'm bored, mission.
Get out of there. Keep your head down. You're a failure.
And, uh, hey, uh. Sir, you forgot your condoms. Huh? And you dropped your tampons. Ah, I can't get laid without those, right? Oh! |
TheOnion | Super_Hurricane_Said_to_Be_Even_More_Powerful_Than_Bogdan_World_s_Strongest_Man | Tropical Typhoon Dennis continues to ravage the East Coast, flooding roadways and leaving millions without power. Residents in states already hit by the storm say it may even be as strong as Bogdan. We got slammed pretty hard. Hurricane ripped the trees out of the ground like it was Bogdan or something. I had to abandon my car on the road. The water swept it away as though Bogdan was pulling it with his very own teeth.
Flash flood warning is in effect and authorities are asking people to stay indoors and avoid the roads. We are urging everyone to seek shelter. Remember, being carried away by this storm is very different from the joy of being carried by Bogdan and seeing for miles from his shoulders. Areas still in the storm's path are bracing for impact. People are boarding up windows and stocking up on enough food and water to feed even Bogdan and his 12 sons. The typhoon is predicted to hit the South Carolina coast the hardest.
Chad Williams is live on the scene now. The wind looks pretty strong out there, Chad.
But it is nothing compared to Bogdan. This typhoon is but the breeze from a gnat's wing compared to the mighty Bogdan.
So people in South Carolina aren't worried? No, they laugh at the storm.
They are piling sandbags to stop the water. Would mere sand stop Bogdan? There is real danger. Authorities say that three people were killed outside of Charleston when their car was washed into a ravine.
And in that we have proof. The storm has failed the true test of strength. Bogdan's greatest power is his gentle heart. Bogdan would never hurl a car full of people into a ravine. So from what you're seeing out there, real strength lies within? Yes. This storm, like all else, is weaker than Bogdan.
The weather will soon be as placid and beautiful as Bogdan's wife, Oksana, the most beautiful woman in the world. That would certainly have to be some stunning weather.
Thanks, Chad. We'll check in on you again soon. Stay safe out there. I have nothing to fear. If I'm in danger, Bogdan will save me. Alright, thanks Chad. |
cracked | true_wwii_stories_ice_cream_farts_bazookas_w_the_modern_rogue | Hey there, nerds. It's me, Dr. Jordan Breeding. Many people refer to me as probably the best and most famous doctor in all of history. But today, we're going to talk about a different kind of doctor, a cocking arched, if you will. I broke a curtain thing.
You were talking about poop. Hitler's poop doctor. We're going to talk about Hitler's poop doctor.
It's going to be great. First, what? I'm Brian Brushwood. And I'm Jason Murphy. We're here from the modern rogue.
And I've invited them to their own warehouse to talk about Hitler's farts and other World War II things. It was a hard sell. You know, historically, a lot of our cultural touch points with World War II are like Saving Private Ryan, where everything is very, very serious. Vin Diesel dies in it. You know, sad things. Spoilers. Spoilers for the 1999 film, Same Private Ryan. But there's a lot of things about World War II that were, dare I say, wacky. Go on. The first one, I've already said it, but Hitler farted a lot.
By what measure? Compared to what? Yeah, that's a great question.
What's a baseline number of farts per day compared to Charlie Chaplin? I don't know if there's like a scale out there for a number of farts where it's like, it's too many farts. Like that poop scale of the heart?
Oh, shoot. I wish I knew what it was. The poop scale of hardness? Like Mohs? Yeah. That's the one.
The important thing is that Hitler himself thought he farted too much. Regardless of what anyone else thought, Hitler was upset about the farts.
I just imagined the pillow talk. Eva Braun's like, it's not too much. He's like, is this too much?
The farts are more than this should be. So ever since Hitler was a kid, he farted. Every time he got nervous, the man farted. They were stinky farts. He didn't like it. And as you can imagine, this is a cyclical fart. You're like, oh, I farted. Now I'm nervous, which makes me fart nervous. And so he's just a farty little mess on the floor.
This continued through his whole life. He was a little farty boy, and he didn't like it. He kept doing all kinds of treatments. He became a vegetarian. Oh, that's the worst way to get rid of farts.
Are you crazy? Yeah. Did you just eat a bunch of sauerkraut? Because I got news for you, buddy. Is it too late to do the downfall thing again?
Me dem hanker fuchtein das. Me das. Heil sich nach nach nach. And the segue here.
Whole life, farting, sad, meets this doctor guy named Dr. Something. I don't know if it's even important, but he should not be remembered other than in this moment for clicks. He prescribes some anti-fart pills. And they work. What's funny is I want to think that's total BS, but then I remember buying fart pills to cause farts.
It's the Thanos to Captain America. And so it works, and Hitler is like, oh, my god, you are the man that I've been looking for my whole life.
Oh, my god.
There it is. You are the hair doctor I've been looking for. Exactly. But here's the thing about this doctor. Not only was he essentially a quack other than this thing that he achieved, every other SS officer, general, everybody else in the army hated him for many reasons, one of which is apparently he was, quote, obese and had body odor, which is a funny thing that not only did they mention, American interrogators after the war mentioned it about him as well. And they're like, during the interrogations, like, I don't actually like interrogating the man because he's a stinky man. Me and the boys have been talking. Ja, ja, the myth. Excellent. Very most this doctor. Yeah, well, so that's the thing.
Once he got the pills in Hitler, he could do no wrong. So he would prescribe all sorts of things. When Hitler was groggy in the morning, he would give him a shot of a thing that he called, like, vitamin or some weird hybrid. It's like, oh, it's vitamin water. I think it was Himmler actually was like, I don't think that's just vitamins. And he stole some, gave it to his doctor. He was like, oh, that's meth. Yeah, yeah, he's waking him up with meth coffee in the morning through his arm.
So I stole the bit. I ruined it. I didn't realize that I did that. Way to skip ahead, Brian.
Himmler and other people come to Hitler and be like, he's giving you meth. The pills, the fart pills, were made out of poop. Boop, boop, boop, boop. Say that again. I think what it said was made of a Belarusian peasant's poop. OK, now, there are recent headlines about fecal transplants actually making mice younger. You take young mice, poop, and puttin' in an old mice, and the old mice is like, rar, and then the reverse. Yeah, yeah. It probably changed his gut bacteria a little bit. Pretty sure you don't eat it. The only reason I can figure that this is not more popular is because all the scientists have to be saying, you're shitting me.
No? No.
But so he starts prescribing him more and more things. And every time somebody would come up to him and say, hey, I think he's giving you meth. I prescribed him bull semen. I think maybe it was a joke. The original BS. And he was like, no, the guy cured my farts. He is the best doctor of all time. I'm going to need to circle back around to the bull semen.
Like, how was that delivered? Like, was it in a pill form? Or, like, straight from the source?
Hitler got obviously crazier and crazier, and sadder, and more meth'd out, and then he lost the war. And then he moved to a farm, and he's got acres and acres. He runs. Actually, the person who gave him the cyanide pills was this doctor.
So ice cream, also in World War II. I don't know when it was invented, but it was popularized a little bit before World War I. So in World War I, there's all these letters from, like, ice cream magazines being like, oh, boys, over in France are not getting the ice cream. They deserve. And so it started a little bit there.
And then prohibition happens, and a bunch of breweries actually transitioned from beer to ice cream. And people started to say, well, it's not alcohol, but it makes me feel better. Well, I know part of the rise of the popularity of root beer was because of prohibition.
Sure. Would this be around the same time?
So soda and ice cream were both things that happened, because they're like, well, we got to give people something that gives them the same. Well, crap, alcohol's out. What are we going to do? And so, yeah, we got more soda. We got more ice cream. Ice cream comes even more popular during the Depression.
Rocky Road is actually named for, like, you know how life is like a rocky road? Eat the Rocky Road ice cream. You'll feel great.
Really? Yeah. It's just named for sadness. It's like, oh, you're sad?
Stoicism, the ice cream. Yeah, yeah. Existential dread, new from Ben and Jerry's. And so it continues. We get to World War II, and ice cream is so popular in America that even when the rest of the world is like, you know, we're fighting a world war. We're all doing it. There's not enough sugar to go around. Britain is like, you know what's great?
Carrots. Kids love carrots. Kids eat the carrots. You don't need sugar. You can have carrots.
I don't want to call World War II era Britain stupid. But they bought this? I don't know if they did or not, but it's mostly as a juxtaposition to America who 100% did not buy that. World War II era Britain did crazy stuff because they couldn't get a lot of their supplies shipped in. And so instead of banana sandwiches, which were really popular at the time, they would make parsnip sandwiches and put a little essence of banana on there.
Actually, pretty delicious from what I understand. OK, good. I'm glad it's delicious.
All of this sounds like a bad babysitter.
It's like, who wants spinach? Spinach. Who wants a spinach and mayonnaise burrito?
And so Britain's doing that. America, no. They have to have ice cream to the point that the soldiers demanded so much that, for example, when in the Battle of the Coral Sea, the USS Lexington is hit. It's sinking. All the sailors on board are like, oh, my god.
What will happen to the ice cream?
And everybody on board runs down to the kitchen, scoops it into their helmets, and jumps, and they abandon ship stuffing ice cream into their face as the rockets and the bombs and the bullets are flying. To be honest, good call. I'm behind all of this. So at this point, they had refrigeration even on the boat, right? They had it, but also the US Navy retrofitted a huge, like an old battleship for a million dollars at the time to be a floating ice cream barge. That would just like go to your fleet and be like, here it is. This battleship is going around. It goes, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. And then the US Army did something similar where they retrofitted a convoy or something like that, and they had a little factory, like moving factories that would bring you ice cream and stuff like that, because that's how important it was to the war effort.
And in even more so, bombers figured out how to take ice cream mix. They would hang it off of their airplane. They'd go bomb somebody, and then they'd come back and it had shake in it, and it was cold, and then ice cream. So not only was it sweet and delicious and cold and creamy, it also was seasoned with the disappointment of everybody on the ground from them taunting them.
Um, but speaking of planes, which we were, at one point we were talking about planes. Master of the segue, he really is. Yeah, I was going to say something about riding a segue, but I couldn't figure out how to land it. Very topical. Like a plane, and so much like the guy who owned the segue factory who died writing it off a cliff.
Did he really? Yeah. Yeah, he, uh, you know. So there was, during World War II, they, you know, some planes are bombers, some planes are fighters, some planes are just there to mark artillery positions or places for our artillery to shoot, just to map the front line. And there's this guy, and I probably should know people's names, but you'd probably, like, put it there. Editor.
He was like, I'm tired of doing this. This is not very fun.
So he strapped six bazookas to the wings of his plane. This got way more interesting way quickly. Real bazooka is just, like, handheld, like, the things that he would carry with you. And he rigged them up with cords so he could pull them and blow up tanks. That's like when I had a bicycle when I was a kid, and I had Roman candles taped to the top, and I'm riding around shooting people. And he wasn't allowed to do it. Like, there wasn't, A, his job, and B, they're like, we don't recommend that you strap bazookas all over your plane and attack tanks. And then he blew up six tanks, and they're like, well, you're an admiral. And so his plane is like in a museum. He's like this big deal because he decided to do his job much harder. And that's all the stories now combined.
Wait, man, you suck at this so bad. You're so good. You were so good.
And you get to the end of the Golden Arm story, and you're like, so that was pretty spooky, eh? Yeah. You know, I don't know. We don't wrap these up anymore because the watch time is great if it just ends on that. All right, let's punch this up a bit. OK, OK.
OK, so crossfade to a little boy crying. And the last words that we hear are him saying, but as an old man, that was a pretty good story. Hey, and the little boy's crying. It says, I want ice cream. I also want to learn how to tell stories good on the internet some day. And the old man just ripped a killer fart, roll credits.
So where can we find you guys? Themodernroad.com. We have a few articles, not as much as Cracked. But we have videos every single week, two, three times a week.
Over at youtube.com slash the modern road. YouTube.com slash modern road.
See, it's not just you. We also forget. Yeah. As always, an excellent end. |
SaturdayNightLive | liza_minnelli_tries_to_turn_off_a_lamp_snl | Sugar, Babe, it's the opening night of Cats and the curtain goes up in 15 minutes. we got a scoot, Liza. Oh, sure, I'd be delighted. just let me turn off some of these lamps. And now, Liza Minnelli tries to turn off a lamp. just let me truck him all over here. Oh, I see it. he's the scoundrel. he's the troublemaker right here. time to turn this do-that-off off. Whoo! want me to help you, Liza? Oh, no, darling. you just relax. I just need to find the clicker or the switch that turns this whole coo-coo thing down. is there a little knob on here that you turn and everything goes black? Whoo! Oh, no, Liza. it's probably pretty simple. you tell that to Debbie Reynolds. whoo! what?
Okay, there's got to be a turner. Or like a ball on the end of a chain, remember that? Remember what, Liza? chain, ball, kick, chain, remember that?
Oh, Atlantic City. I choked on a shrimp. I don't know what you're talking about.
Liza, forget the light. we got to go. Oh, oh, I'm thinking it might be in the box of a middle of a car. this plastic clicker wheel in the middle, you're kicking once. you're kicking twice. you're kicking three times. And the lamp goes out on the part of stars. Whoo! baby, we're going to miss the show. don't make those little kitties. Wait. we're going to miss cars. Oh, then I better turn off the skinny lady. is it a foot chopper? Once. twice. three. will a fosse neck do it? Whoa. hey, remember this? Whoo! just turn the lamp off. I'm vlogging for Chris and Pete. the car's waiting downstairs. Oh, that's right. the lamp, that little rascal.
Oh, where care of it? I found the corn. I just have to pull it out of the wall. Oh, look how long this corn has been Marine. Its long.
I'm not getting anywhere with it. it's like Tommy Tune. because you're walking in place. am I? I just got to find the clicker that dims the whole shebang. Ah! Once again, not my house, not my lamp. Oh, here it is. it's just a button. it's on the neck, but you don't push it. you got to give it a little turn. I did it. Good job, Liza, baby. good job. And we miss the show. The heck with cats? Let's dance. let's dance. this has been Liza Minnelli tries to turn off the lamp. |
dropout | what_going_back_to_the_90s_would_actually_be_like | Troll dolls, I remember those. Super Nintendo! Oh, peen peen, oh my God! I wish I could go back to the 90s. Your wish is to bow! Trashmell! And some pog! And a 56K Moto! That's right, my dude. We've time traveled back to the 90s. And you know what that means! Gah!
We only have a few years to stop 9-11. What? That's right, 9-11 hasn't happened yet. And as a time traveler, only you have the power to stop it.
Fat, huh? Holy shit. I know! You're morally obligated to do something. Oh, snap. This is a lot of pressure to put on somebody.
I just wanted to watch some old-school Nickelodeon. Whoa, we can still veg out and watch some Rocko's Modern Life. We'll probably be thinking about 9-11 the whole time, though. Take me back to the 2010s now. We'll just take me back. I'll give one strum with my magic guitar, bless us both back to the future, and allow 3,000 Americans to perish one cold September morning.
Stop, stop, stop. Okay, fine. I'll stop 9-11.
Radical! That's more radical than the rad rad taste of Dunkaroos.
Remember Dunkaroos? I do remember Dunkaroos.
Okay, I'll call the cops and tell them that there's gonna be an attack. No one's gonna believe you, dude.
It's just like no one would believe that a yo-yo could be a ball. But he can with yo-yo ball.
I'll call the towers the morning of and threaten them. I'll call in a threat. You're gonna evacuate two New York City skyscrapers with one phone call?
What about the people on the plane, dude? Hey, dude.
It's a little wild. It's a little strange. When you make your home out on the rain. When I point to you, then you sing that part. How the fuck am I supposed to stop 9-11 by myself? Oh! You need to kill Mohammed Atta while he's still training at flight school in Florida. This is crazy. But I have to do it, I guess. I'm so glad to hear you say that. Because you'll also have to hijack a plane.
What? Why?
Because Atta's just the point man. Without him, the other terrorists are gonna get sloppy. So we need to be sure that airport security's on high alert. So you want me to get airport security on alert by staging a fake 9-11 and taking the fall for 9-11. That's totally it. History will remember you as a fucking monster. But if you don't do this, the blood of innocents will be on your hands.
Quack.
Stop quacking.
I'll do it. Okay? I'll stop 9-11 and fuck myself. I'll fuck myself. Alright. This is gonna be all that and a bag of potato chips.
I'm on the scene where terrorist Eric Miller was just sentenced to life in prison. Eric. Shoot an innocent aviation enthusiast and then hijack an airplane.
I just wanted to play Pogs. Yeah, Pogs. Well, you got plenty of time to play Pogs when you're rotten in the hole. Yeah, you sick piece of shit. Oh, I remember Pogs.
It's gonna be sweet. Excuse me. |
cracked | curse_of_the_duck_hunt_dog | I'm driving home from work the other day, and I accidentally cut off this asian dude. And then he pulls up next to me, and it turns out it's not just any asian dude, it's Shigeru Miyamoto. I'm sorry, Shigeru Miyamoto what now? Yeah, Shigeru Miyamoto, president of Nintendo. Okay. You have made a very big mistake. Shigeru Miyamoto! Bye bye, motherfucker!
Dan, ever since the dog from Duck Hunt's been following me around laughing at me. There's this guy with groceries all over him!
Great. Justin, thanks for coming. You've been doing an excellent job with a fire voice as what? What? Because I said a fire voice is what, and you said what. So, you're gone. Really? Uh-huh. The Christmas? I guess so. Employees only. Hey, sweetie. Happy anniversary! Oh, Justin! That's today?
Bury yourself and work to spend your time in your job. Don't be satisfied.
My father's changed.
Oh my God! You stand so bag-lish! Where do you think you're going, buddy? See what I did to your little friends? Why don't you just scrappy do yourself a favor.
No, no, no, please. No, no, no, no, no!
Shigeru Maya, go fuck yourself. Thanks for the save, man. Yeah, any time. You know, that was a pretty decent Shigeru pun. Oh, I wasn't trying to make a pun. I just can't pronounce that dude's name. Shigeru Maya Moto.
Not even gonna try. You're never gonna need a bigger gun.
Yeah. No! It's not working! Shoot the eyes! Whoa! So, all you did was cut that guy off in traffic? Yeah. Kind of an overreaction, right? From Andesaur! |
TheOnion | Tough_Season_Fantasy_Draft_Preparation_Season_1_Ep_1_Brought_to_you_by_Lenovo | Hoo boy, Matt Forte, you just aren't giving me the numbers I need. I gotta do something here. I'm sorry, coach. Matt, look. Your strong sense of teamwork makes you an ideal player for any football team. Thanks, coach. But this isn't football. This is fantasy football. And what I need is a bunch of guys padding their stats in any way possible. Matt, I'm sorry. You're dropped.
I understand. Great. Wonderful. No big deal.
Goodbye, coach. Goodbye.
Fantasy football. The most popular sport in the world. A grueling test of judgment where masters of the stat sheet, draft, bench, trade and wave for the glory of the win and the thrill of being smart about football. While many harbor fantasies of playing fantasy football on the world's biggest stage, for some it's not a fantasy. It's a reality. A fantasy football reality.
My favorite part of every season is the beginning. All the potential, all the expectations, none of the losses. This year is going to be different. But before a fantasy football owner can claim victory, they'll have to battle through a tough season. For Brad Blevins, owner, coach and Brad's awesome team, a winning season is paramount.
I tell you, we have it harder than any other fans in the NFAA. We better sit by and watch Brad miss the playoffs year after year. Rod with Phil from Walmart who says he hates Brad's dumb face.
Go ahead, Paul. I kind of like my face. And the magazines seem to agree. All that needs to change are the words next to my face.
So this year, I'm preparing. Hard. Which leads us to scenario 73. Everyone drafts defenses in the first round, confirming my suspicion that this is the year of the defense. Now, on to scenario 74. You know how you have to practice kissing for like nine years before you try it for real so you don't mess up in front of everyone?
Okay, and with my last pick, I pick some kicker. It doesn't matter. All right, let's do this again. This time I'll pick second. Places, everybody. Brad, honey, it's three in the morning. This time I'll pick second. Did somebody wake up Gus?
A good first mate doesn't question his captain's decisions. A good first mate just steers the boat toward the iceberg because that's his job.
The league champion assigns any owner to perform this humiliating dance at the end of the season, as is his right. For the past eight years, the winner has selected Brad. Enjoy it now boys, because you're never seeing this again. Next year it's my dinner. Yeah. A tradition as old as the league itself.
Here comes Brad to make his pick. Twelve. Oh wow, what a tough break for Brad. He definitely wanted to pick first or second instead of last. That's a way better time to pick in a fantasy draft. The adversity of drawing 12th pick forces Brad to adopt some less comfortable draft strategies.
Matt Forte, thanks for coming in. Thanks for having me coach, good to see you again. You know I'm getting ready to draft this year and your name is on my list of possibilities. Do you think I should draft you? That's my projected stats for the season. Great, and of course you know I'm going to need you to double that? Of course I will coach. Plus I play for Chicago. And later on I'll make great trade bait for that guy in your league that loves the Bears. Matt Forte really made a lot of great points today. We'll definitely keep an eye on you Matt.
First round right? We'll see. First round.
That's dexterity right there. That's genetic right there.
Hey, hey you, get over here, get over here. I patched things up with Forte and I prepared for roughly 582 different scenarios on my Lenovion. Got a whole crate of these things. They're sponsoring this whole team. For some reason. It's Lenovo. Whatever Gus. Next time on Tough Season. The draft is hard on the nerves you know.
Hello? Hello Andrew, good luck.
My guys are gone Gus. My guys are gone.
What do I do? Hey Brad. Did you get any sleep last night? My name is Harris Crenshaw and my main life goal is to crush and destroy every hope and dream that Brad Blevins has ever had. Uh, I uh, I select uh, I uh, wow. |
dropout | game_of_thrones_gremlins_and_ganondorf | Joining us today, we have Allie Beardsley. What's up? Ify Waddiway. Hey, Howdy. Howdy, indeed, and Becca Scott. Good day.
I have here a stack of statements. These are false statements about the franchises that are nearest and dearest to your hearts. It's up to you to find the thing that is wrong with it and correct me. Now, every correction must be preceded by the phrase, um, actually. And secondly, you can interrupt me at any time, just like in real life.
Like this? Yeah, perfect. Everyone good on the rules? Yeah. Everyone ready to start? Let's do it, yeah.
The primary antagonist of the Zelda franchise, Ganondorf, is a member of the Gerudo race, thieves and tricksters from the desert. Trained by his father in the ways of magic, Ganondorf often possesses the Triforce of Power, making him nearly invincible. Um, actually, I don't think Ganondorf has a dad.
Hey, that's correct. The Gerudo is primarily a race of women, and they have one dude every 100 years. And I don't know how they procreate, but I assume that one dude has a lot of work. That is 100% correct. I can't believe you knew that. The Gerudo are a race of women, except for every 100 years when a man is born, and he becomes their king.
Wait a minute. Yeah, right? I literally read a Tumblr post about that today. No way. Yeah, yeah. Alright, we're moving on to question two.
We first see the palace of Jabba the Hutt on Tatooine, when he is given Han Solo's body frozen in carbonite. He also keeps a monstrous creature in his palace known as the Sarlacc, and feeds his enemies to it. Um, actually, Han Solo is not in carbonite. Oh, he's in carbonite.
Um, actually, I don't think they're on Tatooine, but I don't know any of the other planets. I'm gonna say, um, uh, Jibuko. No, uh, Jibuko, though, uh, the center of the universe, uh, doesn't, no, doesn't exist. There is no Jibuko, but they are on Tatooine.
Oh. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's moisture farmers and huts. Ooh, moisture farmers. Alright, Ally, calm down.
Um, actually, he keeps the Sarlacc outside. That's correct. The Sarlacc is a different monster. The Sarlacc is out in the desert.
It's like the big, the big whirlpool full of teeth, basically, that extends underground into, like, a bigger monster that we never see. The rain core is the monster that we see inside Jabba's palace. Um, actually, the second monster inside his palace is his crippling self-doubt.
That's true. You know, really, not enough, not enough attention is paid to that. How do the huts become crime lords? Light-wing media, man. You have Fox News staying out there, you know? Why are you going to use the picture of the huts using gang signs when they can sway by Jedi's, you know? It's always the graduation picture of Jabba the Hood. We put on the news. This question is about comics.
The character most people know as Wolverine was born with the name Logan Howlett, named after his father. Though he occasionally goes by the name James or Jim Howlett. Uh, he actually goes by Jukebox Howlett because he was known for walking into a bar and then hitting the Jukebox and it would always play a right song. Yeah, Wolverine was a real Fonzie character. Hey, it's Jukebox Howlett coming in with his knife hands and his perfect song choice.
Uh, no, no, that's incorrect. I'm sorry. Um, actually, I don't think it was Logan Howlett. That sounds like a bootleg name. That sounds like the name I use when I'm in these clubs, you know? You gotta be like, what's your name? Logan Howlett. I don't think that's his name. I'm going to give you the point.
Wolverine was not born with the name Logan Howlett. He was born with the name James Howlett and later adopts the name Logan from Thomas Logan, who was his family's groundskeeper who murdered his father. Though you later find out that Thomas Logan is actually his biological father.
Oh, wow. This is about the Chronicles of Narnia. Um, actually, they were in some snowy place. There weren't that many lamp posts. Um, there aren't that many lamp posts, but that is the lantern wastes, which did happen to be a snowy place at the time.
But no, that is not correct. I don't really have an answer for this one. I just want to point out that I read the original before this called the Bible. And I'll tell you what, not enough lines in the first one. I'm glad we redid it.
Um, actually, she wasn't the white witch. She was the ice queen. Um, she has ice queen powers, but she is the white witch.
Interesting how you say that, but I disagree. Um, actually, his name wasn't Peter. He had changed it to Logan. Yes, after the man who killed his father.
Uh, no, no, uh, the lamp post wasn't built. It grew with a dawn of time after the white witch dropped a chunk of lamp post from the real world into Narnia. That makes so much sense. Yes, of course it makes sense. How else would a lamp post get there?
This brings us to our first shiny question. Now, shiny questions, just like shiny Pokemon, are basically the same. They're worth the same amount. They're just a little bit different and a little bit rarer.
This is a little game called What's Wrong With This Picture. We're going to put a picture on the screen here, and it's up to you to tell us what is wrong. There's a lot to take in here. Everyone is scanning, hoping to be the first to find what is wrong with this image.
Um, actually, is that Wally in Player One? No, that is not Wally, although it looks very similar. That is Rob the Robot, which was a peripheral you could buy for your Nintendo. Um, actually, Zelda and Sheik are the same character. They're just alternate costumes. That's correct, but they are in fact different playable characters within this version. Um, actually, Spyro was not in this. That's correct. Spyro is not a playable character in Smash Brothers. He's there, uh, the bottom row on the left. Yeah, no Spyro. Would be cool though. Or Gex the Gecko. They're just like saying they're Super Smash Brothers.
That's it for this preview of Um, Actually. But wait! There's more! In fact, a whole 66% of this episode. To watch it, just go to dropout.tv and start your free trial today. And since we're all about being correct here, I should point out that it's not actually 66%. It's 66.66666666666666666666.
Now, this is a map of Westeros and the surrounding regions. We've removed all the locations from the map. |
cracked | 5_racist_and_sexist_messages_hidden_in_forrest_gump_after_hours | Think about 2001. It was Jay-Z that's Nas that. Everyone forgot about Dre. It's the one thing that we cannot forget about that year. I still take the original chronic any day of the week. 2001 just sounds like Dre doing an Eminem karaoke. All of his verses were written by someone else, but with Snoop, it was seamless. Consider the end of Ain't Nothing But a G thing. I say it the way it's spelled.
You're way too white to be having this conversation. Speaking of which, we were talking about Forrest Gump. We were? When? Remember that one time?
And the other diner? One that burned down? Nobody's concerned that he just called Zemeckis a racist. That diner burned down three years ago.
By accident, I'll bet. Anyway, Daniel had just proven that Back to the Future was actually about Marty going back in time and stealing credit for rock and roll and civil rights from black people. Oh, yeah. That was a solid win for me. And then you implied that Forrest Gump was racist. And I hadn't even seen it. And then we all just stopped talking and finished our meals in silence and went home. Yep. Anyway, I finally just watched it, so now I demand we discuss it. Classic thesis in honor of the throwback theme. I've got two questions. That works for me. I just rewatched it for like the fifth time a few days ago.
I never realized how much that movie beats the shit out of the left wing. The protesters at the rally in Washington just sort of wander around aimlessly with no direction. They put Forrest on stage by accident.
And the boyfriend wears that red band on his arm that is weirdly Nazi-esque. A lot of people wore red bands.
Rambo. And then he beats the shit out of his girlfriend. Rebuttal retracted. Jenny succumbs to the hippie leftist agenda, and it makes her contemplate suicide, get AIDS, and die. But more importantly, every single one of the hippies that Zemeckis shows us is ugly as fuck. One sin a soren can't forgive.
I think he's just a populist. I think you mean the popularist, which I am. But grammatically, I'm pretty sure it's most popular.
In fact, I know it is from my yearbook. The Zemeckis version of history is to depict things the way an American majority remembers them. The way they would look in a Bud Light commercial about history. Right! It's exactly like Back to the Future. Gump goes through history taking credit for stuff black people did and being super white while doing it. Daniel, please footnote my evidence.
He gives Elvis the idea for his dance. Elvis actually stole his dance moves from black artists like Bo Diddley and Calvin Newborn.
At that protest rally, there's a Black Panther shouting at Forrest when Forrest sees the hippie punch Jenny, and he keeps shouting at the air that Forrest was standing in when Forrest runs off. He's just a big box of angry race agitation so focused on yelling he's not even aware of his surroundings. In reality, the Black Panthers were actually socially moderate and only carried guns to defend themselves because they were being murdered in their beds. He runs for his life from a bunch of rural white kids, pelting him with rocks from a truck for being different. Obvious lynching implications that I somehow missed.
Are you sure you just watched this for the first time? He helps the first black students break the color barrier at the University of Alabama, which he only gets into because his superior athleticism makes him a star kickoff returner. I'm not touching that one.
And then there's the ping pong thing. The thing pong? Wasn't that also a black guy? daylight? Pong pingle? Something like that.
No, but the guy who stopped the Watergate burglars was black. He goes around stealing the very few accomplishments that mass culture recognizes black people for in the 20th century. Instead of Marty going back in time to give him their big idea or Elvis taking their music and dance, it's Forrest f***ing living it. He is black history Elvis, except white, borderline retarded, and a naturally gifted athlete.
What the hell is that supposed to mean, Zemeckis? That is super racist. And me pointing it out is not racist, by the way. I want that pointed out. Not racist. It's not exactly subtle. I mean, they start the movie by saying that Forrest is named after the guy who started the Ku Klux Klan.
And then there's the feather. Well, see, I always thought that was a symbol for the unbearable lightness of being. Very, very stupid. Michael? I am happy a lot of the time.
What book does he put the feather in? He puts the feather in a book? And that book?
Mine. Curious George. The original one, the first one, where the man in the yellow hat kidnaps George from Africa, puts him on a boat, brings him to the city where he is put straight right into jail.
Okay, now that is racist. Supes racist.
It's almost like he wanted us to catch him. I don't know. Maybe he's just a dick. I mean, let's look at how he treats women in the movie.
So Forrest's mom runs a boarding house for men just passing through, and she screws his principles so loudly that he can do an impression of it. It's a Don Draper shit, but in Forrest Gump it's a laugh right. I grew up in Pennsylvania in a whorehouse. Yeah, she really should have gone to babysitter. Of all of the iconic people that Forrest runs into, we get one famous woman.
Marilyn Monroe, in a photograph, in JFK's bathroom. Right.
They never show the woman president. What an oversight. Oh, is that the most notable thing that a woman did in the 20th century, screwing her way into the Oval Office so that she can be double teamed by two Irish guys for a few minutes, allegedly? Beyond that, it's just two of the least likeable hookers ever portrayed on film.
The old goo Forrest offers chocolate. Women love chocolate. Bubba's mom gets rich.
Yeah, but exactly zero lines. Which brings us to Jenny. Sweet, sweet, innocent Jenny. And the first time that we see her as a grown-up is in Zemeckis' favorite shot.
A woman getting roughed up in a 50 Chevy and then getting saved by her man. Ah, they're not exactly the same. Lorraine falls in love with her rescue where Jenny yells at Forrest and asks her date rapist to stay. Ew, you're right. Zemeckis portrays her as a sexually confused basket case, but then becomes a sexually abusive basket case back up in her dorm room. And then it's just back and forth between those two things until the sexual grim reaper comes a calling. Women are either manipulating men or getting saved by them. That tastes like cigarettes. No, not always getting saved.
Remember what Forrest said about Jenny's dad? He was a very loving man. He was always kissing and touching her and her sisters.
Why didn't that line become a catchphrase? And the worst part about that is, is that there is absolutely no way that Forrest could have come up with that euphemistic phrasing for child molestation on his own. He's basically just a parrot for things that adults and authority figures say. Mom says stupid as a stupid door is. Life was like a box of chocolates. Oh, God. That means that Forrest overheard someone say that Jenny's dad was just a very loving man. Which means that Greenbow, Alabama is just this weird sexually permissive hive of secret incest and abuse. Or he heard it from Jenny's dad and believed the excuse. He just sat there and watched it with that dumb smile on his face.
And Jenny knows that. And so in her ruined sexually-wires-cross mind up in her dorm room, somebody has to witness that happen to Forrest just like he watched it happen to her. It's only fair. Think I ruined your roommate's bathroom. Yeah, that about sums it up. I think so. In their own way.
Please don't forget to subscribe for more episodes like this and not like this. Yeah, and if you'd like, say who you thought had the best point in the comments. And also, if you have any episode ideas or thoughts that you think would be cool for us to do as an afro, just put them in the comments below. And then we will steal the ideas.
Nobody's concerned that he just called Zemeckis a racist. That diner burned down three years ago. By accident, I'll bet. Anyway, Daniel had just proven that Back to the Future was actually about Marty going back in time and stealing credit for rock and roll and civil rights from black people.
Oh yeah. That was a solid win for me. And then you implied that Forrest Gump was racist. Ah! And I hadn't even seen it! And then we all just stopped talking and finished our meals in silence and went home. Yep. Anyway, I finally just watched it, so now I demand we discuss it. Classic thesis in honor of the throwback theme. Oh, it works for me. I just rewatched it for like the fifth time a few days ago.
I never realized how much that movie beats the shit out of the left wing. The protesters at the rally in Washington just sort of wander around aimlessly with no direction. They put Forrest on stage by accident.
And the boyfriend wears that red band on his arm that is weirdly Nazi-esque. A lot of people wore red bands.
Rambo. And then he beats the shit out of his girlfriend. rebuttal retracted. And then he succumbs to the hippie leftist agenda. And it makes her contemplate suicide, get AIDS, and die. But more importantly, every single one of the hippies that Zemeckis shows us is ugly as fuck. One sin a soren can't forgive.
I think he's just a populist. I think you mean the popularist, which I am. But grammatically, I'm pretty sure it's most popular.
In fact, I know it is from my yearbook. The Zemeckis version of history is to depict things the way an American majority remembers them. The way they would look in a Bud Light commercial about history. Right! Exactly like Back to the Future. Gump goes through history taking credit for stuff black people did and being super white while doing it. Daniel, please footnote my evidence.
He gives Elvis the idea for his dance. Elvis actually stole his dance moves from black artists like Bo Diddley and Calvin Newborn.
At that protest rally, there's a black panther shouting at Forrest when Forrest sees the hippie punch Jenny. And he keeps shouting at the air that Forrest was standing in when Forrest runs off. Like he's just a big box of angry race agitation. So focused on yelling, he's not even aware of his surroundings.
In reality, the black panthers were actually socially moderate. And only carried guns to defend themselves because they were being murdered in their beds. He runs for his life from a bunch of rural white kids pelting him with rocks from a truck for being different. Obvious lynching implications that I somehow missed.
Are you sure you just watched this for the first time? He helps the first black students break the color barrier at the University of Alabama, which he only gets into because his superior athleticism makes him a star kick-off returner. I'm not touching that one.
And then there's the ping pong thing. The thing pong? Wasn't that also a black guy? Kayla, pong pingle, something like that.
No, but the guy who stopped the Watergate burglars was black. He goes around stealing the very few accomplishments that mass culture recognizes black people for in the 20th century. Instead of Marty going back in time to give them their big idea, or Elvis taking their music and dance, it's Forrest f***ing living it. He is black history Elvis, except white, borderline retarded, and a naturally gifted athlete.
What the hell is that supposed to mean, Zemeckis? That is super racist. And me pointing it out is not racist, by the way. I want that pointed out. Not racist. It's not exactly subtle. I mean, they start the movie by saying that Forrest is named after the guy who started the Ku Klux Klan. And then there's the feather. No.
Well, see, I always thought that was a symbol for the unbearable lightness of being. Very, very stupid. Michael? I am happy a lot of the time.
What book does he put the feather in? He puts the feather in a book? And that book?
Mine. Curious George. The original one, the first one, where the man in the yellow hat kidnaps George from Africa, puts him on a boat, brings him to the city where he is put straight right into jail. OK.
Now that is racist. Supes racist.
It's almost like he wanted us to catch him. I don't know. Maybe he's just a dick. I mean, let's look at how he treats women in the movie.
So Forrest's mom runs a boarding house for men just passing through, and she screws his principles so loudly that he can do an impression of it. It's a Don Draper sh**, but in Forrest Gump it's a laugh right. I grew up in Pennsylvania in a whorehouse. Yeah, she really should have gone to babysitter. Of all of the iconic people that Forrest runs into, we get one famous woman, Marilyn Monroe, in a photograph in JFK's bathroom. Right.
They never show the woman president. What an oversight. Oh, is that the most notable thing that a woman did in the 20th century, screwing her way into the Oval Office so that she can be double teamed by two Irish guys for a few minutes, allegedly? Beyond that, it's just two of the least likable hookers ever portrayed on film.
Get out of here! If you freakin' out, I'm loose and you freak! And a few audience stand-ins at the bus stop.
The old school Forrest offers chocolate. Women love chocolate. But this mom gets rich.
Yeah, but exactly zero lines, which brings us to Jenny. Sweet, sweet, innocent Jenny. And the first time that we see her as a grown-up is in Zemeckis's favorite shot.
A woman getting roughed up in a 50s Chevy and then getting saved by her man. Oh, they're not exactly the same. Lorraine falls in love with her rescue where Jenny yells at Forrest and asks her date rapist to stay. Ew, you're right. Zemeckis portrays her as a sexually confused basket case that then becomes a sexually abusive basket case back up in her dorm room. And then it's just back and forth between those two things until the sexual grim reaper comes a calling. Women are either manipulating men or getting saved by them. That tastes like cigarettes. No, not always getting saved.
Remember what Forrest said about Jenny's dad? He was a very loving man. He was always kissing and touching her and her sisters.
Why didn't that line become a catchphrase? And the worst part about that is is that there is absolutely no way that Forrest could have come up with that euphemistic phrasing for child molestation on his own. He's basically just a parrot for things that adults and authority figures say. Mom says stupid as a stupid door is. Life was like a box of chocolates. Oh, God, that means that Forrest overheard someone say that Jenny's dad was just a very loving man. Which means that Greenbow, Alabama is just this weird sexually permissive hive of secret incest and abuse. Or he heard it from Jenny's dad and believed the excuse. He just sat there and watched it with that dumb smile on his face, and Jenny knows that. And so in her ruined sexually-wires-cross mind up in her dorm room, somebody has to witness that happen to Forrest just like he watched it happen to her.
It's only fair. Think I ruined your roommate's bathroom. Yeah, that about sums it up. Guys, thank you so much for watching this Forrest Gump special episode of After Hours. They're all special. I think so. In their own way. Please don't forget to subscribe for more episodes like this and not like this. Yeah.
And if you'd like, say who you thought had the best point in the comments. And also, if you have any episode ideas or thoughts that you think would be cool for us to do as nap hours, just put them in the comments below. And then we will steal the ideas. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_designing_the_perfect_avatar | I'm your host, Jeff Rubin, and this week, I'm here with John Gavers and from College Humor, my co-host, Pat Cassels and Dan Gerwitsch. You know, all the major consoles now come with a system that let you make a character. So today, we're going to go through all three, try to make some versions of us and just compare and contrast. Let's start with the PlayStation 3.
First big question, male or female? I guess male. We're all men.
I resort to, like, my 14-year-old self as, like, I've never played as a girl in Mortal Kombat. You know, I was like, oh, no. You wouldn't even be Johnny Cage.
Yeah. I'd be like, put a shirt on. What kind of face? I guess we'd customize. We'd customize, dude.
How much type C should we have versus type G? Like, this is so useless. Eight years ago, in the Dreamcast, they had character creation screens figured out. I don't know what this type E, type D menu is about. I don't know what you guys are talking about. I describe my face in terms of type A, type C. But if, as you did this to his faces, you just screamed in agony. Like, a Bruce Campbell chin?
Whoa, wait. There's an advanced menu? I'll go to advance. There's already two charts. This is what God does when he makes new people. Whoa, wait, wait, wait a second. Hold on.
There were, like, a thousand options to organize a face, but there are six shirts. And they're all for this same section of JCPenney's. Let's take a look at Microsoft Solution. Of avatars. All right, looks like we got to choose a starting point. This screen is already incredible. Let's try to make Jeff, yeah. Choose the Jew avatar. You're starting point. See, I like this. It's like, what kind of chin do you want? Rather on the PlayStation Home, it's like, you have to chart the X and Y axes. It's weird how I'm a haircut away from being a guy. Let's see, that's our Jeff Ruben. It's the most boring avatar I've ever played. Wow, white nerdy-duding glasses. That's a good thing to game in that option program. Let's go back one more step, kind of where this personalization of your character began. Back on the Wii with the Mii's.
Yeah, there's a gumdrop and there's, like, you're a Pac-Man. The quickest way to make somebody ugly is to take their eyes and just move them slightly apart. It's like, all you have to do is take your eyes and just a little bit aside and they're just like, whoa, birth defects. It's amazing that Sony saw this and they were like, you know what would make this better? A million more options so no one could figure it out. Like, look how elegant and simple this is and, like, inviting.
Oh, wait, hold on a second, buddy. All right, I'm so sorry. Understandable. I'm so sorry. It hurts me to do this almost as bad as it probably hurts you to be this. Yeah.
I think all the creation systems kind of reflect the system. Like, Nintendo is the simple one that's for everybody. The PlayStation is the hardcore one that's for the super nerds. And the 360 is in the middle for your average gamer.
I think that when you see a virtual version of yourself you want to see, like, the essence of you because you like the essence of you and you don't want to see, like, the really detailed version of you with all the imperfections of you. With the exact contours of your chin. I'm playing video games to escape the reality of my ugly existence. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Betoota_Weekly_News_Bulletin_27_3_20 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate News Bulletin on what we hope is your first Friday since entering isolation. If you work in essential services, and the definition of that continually changes each day, you would be still on the job, logistics, medicine, pharmacies, convenience, groceries and hairdressers. We're here to get you through these weird and uncertain times ahead. As always, we'll be delivering the podcast every week. We've also released a new daily edition of the News Bulletin, and of course we will continue with our weekly interviews.
I'm Clancy Overall, editor of the Batutah Advocate. And I'm Errol Parker, I'm the editor-at-large.
And yes, if you think it's a bit clunky this week, it's because we're just getting used to this program called Skype, which we're using via the Skymaster satellite. Reading the news for us this week, as always, is Wendell Hussey, the cadet. How are you, Wendell? Very well, thank you Clancy, trying to adjust to this working from home business, but I'm well. I've been really getting into my Russian ice hockey. I'll get some tips off you later. Now, what's first in the news this week, Wendell?
First up, Rich People Don't Get Coronavirus Confirms 20,000 Brainless Cunts on Bondi by Beach Last Weekend, Clancy. Yes, Australia's most attractive, wealthy and cultured citizens are seemingly immune to the potentially fatal effects of COVID-19. Like most inner-city yuppies, the residents of the eastern suburbs think just because they've got a bit of coin, they shouldn't have to compromise on their lifestyle for anything or anyone, even if that is a deadly pandemic.
Our reporters spoke to some of the locals down there who said that everyone was just jealous that they didn't have a natural wonder like Bondi on their doorstep. Yeah, and there was a comment on that one from Chris Nguyen, a rather dark comment, but something to think about maybe. He said, remember that scene in Chernobyl where radioactive ashes were falling on people on the bridge as they smiled, laughed and played with eerie music in the background, oblivious to the fact that they are all now dead people walking? I'm getting the same vibes here, which I hope isn't the case. Well, as everyone knows, Bondi Beach is actually an open sewer, as most of Sydney's sewerage comes out of pipes a few k's off the coast of Bondi, so I guess they were really bathing and dancing in the pale moonlight while feces was covering their sickly pale bodies.
That whole Bondi debacle caused Scotty from marketing to get called into work on the weekend and give a few addresses. Some of those addresses have raised a few eyebrows and as a result, the Prime Minister's speechwriter has revealed he doesn't know why he even fucking bothers anymore. Yes, this bloke's had a really tough time as of lately. He said he can't keep Scotty from marketing from asserting his own little scomo-isms into each speech, making the directives that his nation is all waiting on at every press conference that he does at 10pm on a weeknight that much more messy, about as clear as mud. This really is Scotty's toughest marketing campaign to date, boys, I mean, but he'll keep plugging away and he'll keep trying to win the people over with weird anecdotes instead of concrete and clear information by the looks of things.
You ever tried bar, Errol? I have tried bar, it wasn't my thing. I've also tried other things of that nature. I've also tried tapas, I've also been to a couple of sushi trains, not for me.
Very worldly. Just left with a big gutache. Yeah, I know I am certainly missing the trampoline venue, but what can you do? Back home in Queensland, how are things looking to you, Wendell?
Well, the next story is Bob Catter loads 12 gauge after hearing faint cough a couple of blocks from his electoral office. Now we're talking draconian, I think Bob's taking it to a new level, almost martial law up there in the Kennedy electorate, taking things into his own hand to protect the immunocompromised people of the Gulf country. Bob Catter was seen firing his shotty in the air and trying to locate the source of a faint cough that was ringing out through the suburbs of Mount Isa. Yes, if there's one man who's not going to be kissed by the pangolin in North Queensland, it is Bob Catter Sr. He said, Little Johnny, he tried to take away our guns, but he didn't get all of them, did he? I will protect the elderly and the immunocompromised people of the Queensland back country by any means necessary. Good on him.
Elsewhere around the great eight in a row state now, and Pauline overcome by jealousy, the coronavirus is getting all the credit for closing the borders. Yes, while the virus originated in China, a place that Pauline is quite vocal in her criticisms of, the true source of the Australian explosion are cruise ships and Americans. Clancy, as Pauline's first chief of staff way back when, do you think this new reinvigorated hatred Pauline's shown for Asians means she's really gone full circle in her mission to inject hate and fear into the Australian psyche? Mate, I was only working for Pauline while she was on the Liberal ballot. Things change pretty quickly after that, but yes, I do think that is Pauline's method.
When all else fails, go back to the Chinaman. Wrapping up with some sports news now, and the Gold Coast Suns have set a new attendance record despite all these coronavirus restrictions last weekend. You know, boys, I also heard off the record that the general manager of the Gold Coast Suns sat down to watch Moneyball for the first time the other day. It's that movie with Brad Pitt and Jonah Hill, how they come up with a system to use cheap, less talented, and nearly retired baseball players to almost win a pre-ownership. Yeah, well, I heard the Suns GM, and he got a few ideas. Shame he won't be able to see that dream come true next year, but, you know, as they always say in sport, there's always next year. There certainly is.
Errol, as the number one ticket holder for the mighty Gold Coast Suns, where do you think they've all gone wrong? I think they haven't really read the room, and I don't think they've really left too much out on the paddock in terms of that. When it comes to giving 110% to the Gold Coast community, I don't think there is a team that does it better than the Suns. But in saying that, I don't think that the Suns have enough petrol left in the tank to see out potentially what could be one or two seasons out of the game. So I don't know. I guess maybe the Suns should have just been a little bit better at AFL. They might be the Tasmanian Suns in 2022.
Is that what you're saying? God can only hope. If they can't get Carmichael Hunt back.
Alright, some interesting points there. And Jared Evans from Baturda Ponds dropped a comment on that story. One of our only Victorian football fans here in the Channel Country. And he said, at least the Melbourne Demons can call, well, that was a wasted season nice and early and not have to carry on all the way through. Anyway, that's all for the news wrap for this week.
Thanks for tuning in. We'll hopefully be back again in seven days time. Please stay safe. Wash your hands. Please stay inside. Until next time.
I'm Clancy Overall. My name is Wendell Hussey. My name is Errol Parker, and I guess I'll see you all in the springtime. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_grease | Welcome to Bleep Loop. I'm Jeff here with Pat and Brian and Nick from Brides Haddock. This week we are playing Grease the Video Game. It'd be great if the people who made this game didn't respect the movie Grease and story was in quotation marks. A real Street Fighter 2 selection of characters here. A lot of them sound like some sort of weird racial slur like Rizzo and Frenchie.
I always thought the words were party wagon. That is awesome. It's kind of brilliant because like parents normally let kids like watch this movie. I didn't know what it was until I was 18 years old. My parents wouldn't let me watch Grease. Okay.
Whole day.
You're probably moving around. No, no. I mean really holding man. Hold it in your heart. Try moving the curtain. Hold it in your heart. Try moving the cursor around.
There you go. You got a spoon. Yeah. Count it.
Just why room room? Hey guys, what's wrong with you?
Sandy. Normally in games when you sword fight it makes the sword fighting much easier. Yeah. This is making tightening look nice. Alright. And it's also playing hard. That's a great point. Apparently. Aren't graphics better than this now? They had tons of extras for these scenes in the movies. That's harder to do. That's human beings. They could easily animate this.
It's hard to imagine buying the Grease Wii game and not knowing the words to summer nights. I don't even like Grease and I know most of the words to summer nights.
There's something. It's not even the rhythm of the song. Goodbye Danny. That might be my fault. This does not look very exciting. They made their true love down. You don't think that's exciting? I think you have to hit them and also do something.
Oh yeah. Oh I see. There you go. Oh man. Look at that.
You're barely going to break 10,000. If you do poorly enough Sandy becomes herself again. Do you guys remember the episode of Home Improvement that ends with a fantasy sequence where all the characters perform Grease Lightning?
No. Yeah me neither. You really couldn't Grease Lightning. I mean it seems impossible. |
cracked | what_we_think_the_next_star_wars_is_about | Tom. Yes. Carmen.
The new Star Wars trailer is out. This is for The Last Jedi. This is episode eight. That's a confusing one. Is this the last one? This is the last trailer for The Last Jedi. It's not the last one.
They're never going to stop making Star Wars movies. No. So it should be called The Never Ending Jedi.
Yeah. When I found you. This is the kind of thing that like makes sense for a movie but would make me really uncomfortable if any of my teachers or mentors was like, when I found you, I saw raw. That's fine. Like you said, we had a lesson today. We're going to do lightsaber stuff. Two of me notes. Boundaries, first of all.
Take a step or two back and also what's some secrets maybe? What's going on with it? When I found you as a boy, so spin you a raw. Now you're taking it to like a weird place that I'm super not comfortable with. I don't think I want to be on the dark side anymore.
Why?
I mean, I didn't know it was like that dark.
You have more Kylo Ren destroying. Just throwing tantrums. Just like beating the shit out of walls and wires and things. Well, it's apparently as it was established in the first film, a fight against walls is the only fight he can actually win. Yeah. That's such a, someone should really call him out and be like, you know, when Vader was mad, he like straight up choked guys and you're just like throwing your helmet at the wall. He murdered his staff. Right.
Like we were all scared, but like a lot of us were also like, dear me, like it was, you didn't want to die, but like that's a leader. He's at least grappling with the idea of possibly blowing up his mother because we see Princess General Leia on a ship and then General Princess, Doctor General Princess. And we see him flying towards a ship and she's like looking at stuff. And then we go to his targeting system and it's like your mom here on a map kind of thing. Shaking, staring at it, and then we see Leia, who's force sensitive, give a look that seemed kind of like you got to do what you got to do kind of like she seems very resigned there. Yeah.
It's a strange editing cut for this trailer because it's like, I have to kill the past. I have to blow up my mom. And then we see mom looking scared and then it cuts to the title card.
This Christmas. All right. Tossing it at 133. That's the port. Oh.
I'm excited about the port. I love it so much. We've seen corks before. I don't know what its function is. It's I love it so much. Its function is for everything and nothing. I really hope it's one of two things.
It's either in that one scene and then Shuri just immediately picks it up and eats it like an apple. It's just like their natural prey from Kashyyyk. And like maybe they don't even well done.
You were hoping it was one of two things. One of them is an apple for Shuri.
The other one is that it's throughout the entire movie but the cast just treats them like they're spiders. Mm-hmm. Ew. Like smashes them. Throwing it out the airlock. Man. So you want all of your options are that our porgs die a lot.
I want them to do something unexpected with this movie. I want John Boyega to get home and be like, morning porgs.
And like 900 porgs just like cuddle him and like spin around his body and they lay on the floor together. It's just a porg dealer. Yeah. A porg dealer. He runs a porg mill. I think the best way to describe the porgs is just face in general.
It was Bridget's description which was just trying so hard. Like it really was like, like he's slashery screaming and then he went, me too!
The 48 hour history of porg from this trailer is Google search thing in my like top right corner of my computer for searches that was sexy porg that I'm not allowing myself to forget or take down that I did that. I wanted to see if it happened yet and it didn't. I went to a store to try to get pumpkins that are porg shaped so I can make a porg pumpkin. And I immediately tried to buy a porg and like I know they're not real. Tried to buy whatever like toy robot version of porgs they're gonna start selling and I'm waiting for the market to catch up to how serious I am about like, no I want it to be the size of a porg. I want it to feel like, I want it to have like the density of a porg. You want the smooshiness? I don't want these like plush porgs and these little like bobble head porgs. I'm gonna wait until you sons of bitches come up with a real porg that like marches and then I'll get it. I don't get a thousand of them. Yeah I want a remote controlled porg that can go like pick up my mail and just beep.
If you try to buy them they're like, oh we sort of, we didn't think this was gonna take. So we just have like these like sh**ty B-rate versions of porgs. You must have, like as soon as you drew the eyes that big you were like, oh sh**.
Children are gonna want this. Not just the children. Children in 30-somethings are gonna want this.
Pass the cocaine. We're done for today. Alright.
I guess we can watch the rest of the trailer. The rest of the trailer.
None of it f***ing matters at this point. We're getting the fight between John Boyega and... Gwendolyn Christie. Yeah. The fight that should have happened in the first one.
I like the ice foxes a lot. That's true. Porg's getting a lot of play but there's also these... Ice foxes. Ice foxes, these weird...
Yeah, which I guess is gonna be this movie's version of like the Tauntauns. Because we're just doing Empire right now. Porg's gonna split open the ice fox. Yeah, and hide the ice fox. And just be like...
No! And then it's like too warm and against the ice fox died for nothing. Oh god. Yeah, that's... No!
You can say they're doing the Empire thing. They're really... I'm seeing all the... Broadcasting it, yeah. Yeah, like Training Planet.
You see Rey going into a place which is like the inside of a giant hollow tree much like Luke did. Boyega and Oscar Isaac have been captured in some space facility, possibly to lure Rey there. Which is like Empire. And she gets there, she's clearly in the end of the trailer, she's fighting Snoke it appears to be. What seems pretty tedious to me about this movie is that we're seeing that Luke doesn't want to train Rey.
We know he's going to. There are a lot of things that'll surprise me about this movie.
She's gonna go to Luke, say I need someone to train me because I don't have much plot to do otherwise. Right. Neither one of us do. I came to your stupid island looking for answers. You gotta give it to me. He says, I don't do that no more, I don't train girls or whatever. And it's... And you just know... I don't train broads. Yeah, where's the part in Million Dollar Baby where he's like, alright fine, I will train you. We know that he's going to train her. And I need help.
I've seen this raw strength only once before. It didn't scare me enough then. It does now. I do love that she's like, but the thing is he's like, I've never seen any power like this before and it didn't scare me then but it scares me now.
But then also it's like, yeah, but like, you don't like that she's like that good? Yeah. Like, don't be a dick.
Like, you're like, you're too good at this. I thought you were going to be really bad at this when I trained you, but then... I'm a special boy.
Right. I need someone on the internet to super cut or just like mix up him going, I've only seen this kind of power once before. Smash cut. I do want that. I've seen this raw strength only once before.
Alright, final thoughts on Last Jedi trailer? Seems we're all pretty team poor here. Tom, your relationship with him is conflicted.
You want the suit of diet? I want to see something just, yeah. That's just for me. Carmen, final thoughts on the trailer? I want...
I got to see more porg. |
dropout | Dirty_Laundry_Trailer | Which one of you has drank breast milk as an adult? That baby's getting some, and I want to try it. Move over. I can't.
I have a stack of secrets about our guests. Which one of you broke into an abandoned hospital, has had three sugar daddies, accidentally dropped, and killed a baby duck, performed oral sex for the first time at Robert Downey Jr.'s birthday party? Holy shit. And they have to guess who each secret belongs to. I look directly at Jess. You all think I'm a whore?
Oh, no, it's not me. Oh, well, it's not Safi, because she said it's not her. I think it's a male.
Here's why. All right, let's hear it. Oscar, Oscar. Can we vote now? Can it be a speed round? Will the four-way kisser please take a sip from their drink? Just kidding. Oh, yes! She's a little rascal. What? Yes, Ben! I can't believe it. That's three points to Brendan. Why did you do that? What he's been wanting this whole time. God, I'd do it again.
I did storm the Capitol. Did not break into the White House. I did not break into the White House.
We are off the rails. I'm your host, Lily Du. And here's hoping you become a regular, but not as regular as Grant. Oh, Jesus Christ, Grant. |
dropout | the_half_boner_pill | Do you suffer from feelings of inadequacy? Embarrassment.
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It's your time of the month, every day. Hi, I'm Mike Trapp from College Humor. Click over here to subscribe to our channel, and click over here to watch another video. Or click on my buddy Squawky for exclusive College Humor content. It's gonna be a blast, right Squawky? Okay! You guys are putting a bird in there or something, right? That's gonna look really dumb if you don't put something up there. |
cracked | bill_murray_a_history_of_being_terrible | Bill Murray has settled for $100,000 due to his sexual misconduct. Unfortunately, this is not an isolated incident because Bill Murray has a history of being terrible. Gina Davis recently opened up about how uncomfortable she was on a 1990 appearance on the Arsenio Hall show with Murray. She actually tells the story during the interview of Bill Murray having her audition in a hotel room, making her let him give her a massage with a machine.
The thumper.
Rapschneider recently talked about how when Bill Murray came to host SNL, he hated Adam Sandler and Chris Farley probably because of how much the crowd liked them. Who hates Chris Farley? Seth Green just opened up about the time when he was nine years old at Saturday Night Live and Bill Murray didn't like that he was sitting on the arm of his chair.
So he picked me up by my ankles. He dangled me over a trash can and he was like, the trash goes in the trash can.
Rushmore? More like Rushmore security over here because Bill Murray is being creepy. |
dropout | Please_Grade_Me | And that is the last of my enemies taken care of. Time to start a new list. Hey Vic! I'm here for my yearly review. Yeah Jess, please take a seat.
These reviews are really informal. I don't even like to think of them as reviews. Oh no, no, please, I mean review away.
I am looking forward to it. You know, I kind of thrive on this stuff. Well, everyone's really happy with your work here. You're doing great.
Okay! Yeah, great!
Um, let's say if you were to give doing great a letter grade, what would that be? Okay, well our value of you is great. I think you're great. And your work is great. Vic, I flourish when I am being evaluated and a letter grade lets me know empirically what my value is. Okay, well Jess, you're an adult and so we rely on feedback in the world and that's how we know how we're doing.
Please grade me. Just grade me.
Okay, am I an A? Right? Am I a B? An acceptable B? I'll take a B, okay? A C? Oh my god, am I a so-so C? Am I a D? I'm getting a D right now?
I want you to think of this like a pass-fail system, right? And you passed. Okay! Okay. And where do I rank amongst the passing? Oh. It's just a pass. Okay, I think maybe, um, I'm not explaining myself properly. Let me make my case right now. Okay. Yikes.
Okay, so in addition to my excellent sketch writing, I also have been like a top-notch actor this year and I started the compost program, okay, on the floor. In addition to all of this, I also have been putting in some extracurricular pursuits. I'm sorry, extracurricular pursuits?
Yes, I make my fiance dinner every night.
That's not part of the job. Yeah, that's why it's extracurricular. Okay, uh, Jess, you know, I think all of this kind of falls under the umbrella of great work.
So much so, in fact, that you are getting a raise and a promotion. Oh my god, a promotion! Ah! Yes! Now where does that rank amongst, like, all of the other raises? Is that an A? Is that a B? A raise and a promotion is an objective way to show your value.
Okay, so if we have a literal number, right, let's just put it on a grade, let's give it a grade, unless, of course, we're grading on a curve. Are we grading on a curve? There is no curve.
God, that's going to be really bad for Grant. What grade does he have? Nothing. Grant is getting an F. No, Grant is not getting a grade. He's getting an incomplete.
There's no incomplete because I'm not a teacher and this is not his school. Well, I mean, yeah, you're no Mrs. Weatherby, that's for sure. That's fine, I'm not trying to be.
You know, I think when people are tenured, like yourself, that they start to kind of like post on by and not really give people the grades that they deserve. There is no tenure, all right? In fact, ha, okay, I actually just got my performance review and it went poorly. And that figures. I don't plan on giving you a good grade.
What do you mean? Unrankyourteacher.com. Oh, my God, you know what? You get an A. Yes, straight A's! Yeah, it literally means nothing, but you did it. Congratulations. Get out of my office. This will surely get me voted the most likely to succeed award. Mwah, mwah, love you. Not if that means anything.
Hey, mind if we reschedule this until later? I, uh, sat in yogurt again.
You know what, Grant? You get an F. So do you. Boss. You want the scoop? Emotional promise.
Shut up!
Sign up for your free trail today. Trial. That was a typo. I don't have any trails to give away. I wouldn't even know how to go about doing that. I'd buy land, I guess. God. |
dropout | hardly_working_gale_beggy | Hi, you are the new director of technology. Gail Beggie. Yes. How are you? Hi, nice to meet you. I'm Amir. Oh, great to meet you Peter. I work at CHTV on the other side of the office who make the videos and stuff for the site. Oh, that's great Peter. Great.
Yeah, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna go but it was nice, it was nice talking to you and if you need anything just let me know. Oh yeah, you know what, I actually did have one question. I've been trying to figure out what this is.
Your computer? Your laptop? The monitor?
Or... Okay. Uh, I... Yeah, let me get someone because I'm not a computer guy or whatever, they'll be able to help you. I hope those kids use you baby. Yeah. So specifically, what is it you're trying to do? My granddaughter Lily sent me some kind of SMS text berry and I'm just trying to SOS her back because I think she's in trouble. Right. So do I just go in to say...
That is your camera. That's the first problem. You're trying to, you can't send a message with your camera. So I'll just go into my phone. Also not a phone. It's definitely not this. Okay, that's the camera again, you're just holding it in a different hand. In a different hand. But it's still the camera.
You know what, I'm gonna go get Sarah. I think Sarah's actually really good with phones. She knows what to do about this. Well I hope she's as cute as Jay. Hey Gail.
Oh god you scared me. You scared me.
I've just been so wound up lately. I don't know anything. I know. First day is gonna be really hard. Trust me I know. No it's just that literally I don't know anything.
I don't know if this is a car or that's a cat or what this is. That's your hair. I don't know.
Just like... Oh hey! Peter! Shut the f**k up!
It just seems like no one likes me.
You know that's not true. Listen, why don't you just go home, get a good night's sleep. Yeah. Go home.
Back to the year 2551. What? I'm from the future baby. Guess I'll just get back there using my gravitational anti-matter desensitron or whatever. I made it. |
cracked | if_michael_bay_directed_heartwarming_documentaries_action_movie_parody | And, uh, yeah, you'd hope the photos of you hiking with your dad are gonna be good memories. Uh, not always.
Is that the mountain? This one? Yeah. Yep. That's the one. That's the one that killed him.
It wasn't even a rough climb. You know, you hiked all the time. The time I was 13 or so, in the backyard of our house, I just remember staring at it.
I knew one day I would conquer that mountain in the name of my father, for my family, for dad. I'm gonna murder this mountain. Mountain, I'm gonna put you in the ground.
Give me back my dad! You talk to scientists, and they say it's rock, sedimentary, blubbermentary, players are rock or whatever, but... I've looked at them and I'm like, I love you dad! That's evil in there. You ask the people of Vesuvius what's inside a mountain. Fire, and death, and lava. My dad.
I'm digging you a grave, boy! And I'm gonna bury you alive in it! Dirt all over you!
I got time. It's like hunting the big game. You gotta be patient.
And people say, are you serious? It's probably the number one question I get. You serious, man? Yeah. Yeah, I'm serious.
I'm gonna chew you up and spit you out, mountain. Daddy! You know, to hear your mom say, don't go out there, don't do that. They hear her be like, no, that's not what I'm saying.
I'm saying it's literally impossible to kill a mountain. The ultimate betrayal. I say nothing is impossible. It's crazy, but I'm out of options.
We're climbing this thing. Well, it's actually really beautiful up here. You know what I like about it? You can barely see the mountain from up here. Really hoping to find a way to kill it, though. You know, like a weak spot. Let me know if you guys see like a, I don't know, like a vein or anything. Well, we didn't find a way to kill the mountain.
But, you know, I think it's okay. I feel like I understand it now. Hey, Matt, no hard feelings, huh? Okay, kind of a move. But I'm okay with that. I found my closure.
If you enjoy the shirts that we're wearing in the show, you could own these shirts yourself because we have a new cracked store called The Cracked Dispensary. Come and get your shirts, and you could be just like us and argue just like us. You could get models for this. I am a model. 100% cotton!
That's perfect. Thank you, man. Is that the mountain? This one? Yeah. Yep. That's the one. That's the one that killed him.
It wasn't even a rough climb. You know, he hiked all the time. By the time I was 13 or so, in the backyard of our house, I just remember staring at it.
I knew one day I would conquer that mountain in the name of my father, for my family, for dad. I'm gonna murder this mountain. Mountain, I'm gonna put you in the ground.
Give me back my dad! You talk to scientists, and they say it's rock, sedimentary, blabbermentary, players of rock or whatever, but I've looked at them. I love you, dad. That's evil in there. You ask the people of Vesuvius what's inside a mountain. Fire, and death, and lava. My dad.
I'm digging you a grave, boy! And I'm gonna bury you alive in it! Dirt all over you.
I got time. It's like hunting the big game. You gotta be patient.
And people say, are you serious? It's probably the number one question I get. You serious, man? Well, that's in my eyes. Yeah. Yeah, I'm serious.
I'm gonna chew you up and spit you out, mountain. Daddy! You know, to hear your mom say, don't go out there, don't do that. They hear her be like, no, that's not what I'm saying.
I'm saying it's literally impossible to kill a mountain. The ultimate betrayal. I say nothing is impossible. It's crazy, but I'm out of options.
We're climbing this thing. Well, it's actually really beautiful up here. You know what I like about it? You can barely see the mountain from up here.
Really hoping to find a way to kill it, though. You know, like a weak spot. Let me know if you guys see like a... I don't know, like a vein or anything. Well, we didn't find a way to kill the mountain.
But, you know, I think it's okay. I feel like I understand it now. Hey, Matt! No hard feelings, huh? Okay, kind of a move. But I'm okay with that. I found my closure.
Dad? Shit. Damn you, mountain! Action. Hey, everybody.
This is Dan, Michael, Katie, and the other guy from After Hours. If you enjoy the shirts that we're wearing in the show, you could own these shirts yourself because we have a new cracked store called The Cracked Dispensary. Come and get your shirts, and you could be just like us and argue just like us.
You could get models for this? I am a model.
No. 100% cotton. That's perfect. Thank you, man. Yeah! |
cracked | the_honest_history_of_misogyny_in_journalism_history_honestly | Oh, no, Marmaduke died. Well, he was an 80-year-old Great Dane.
Oh, hello there. Today's lesson is about the intrepid journalist who pioneered the expose. What the hell, Clacko? This is, it's not a Denny's. What? You've never seen a gear-diner before? Come on, true detective. Drop trout and show me that hog.
Okay, we are not exposing ourselves. I said expose, right? Like the piece of journalism that uncovers a scandal. Uncover, cover up, make up your mind.
Before she became Nellie Bly, Elizabeth Cochran was a poor young woman just trying to make ends meet. Ooh, look, he was in there. No, no. One fateful day, she read an article in the newspaper titled, What Girls Are Good For, that said that women's only use was keeping house and making babies. Cochran wrote a scathing response letter and the editor thought it was so compelling he offered her a job immediately.
Her first staff assignment, a rebuttal called The Girl Puzzle. Shit on my grave. It's time for The Girl Puzzle. This is a simple game, Clacko.
I'm gonna ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you're gonna get the sprints. Sound good? Okay, question one. Which one of these is a woman? It's impossible to know. The one on the left? Very good. That's Nellie Bly herself. The other guy is Joseph Pulitzer, who she would later work for, arguably saving his paper from ruin. Question two. Which one of these two intrepid reporters was the basis for Lois Lane? The brunette. Hey, you're pretty frickin' good at this. Question three. Can you tell me which was a respected journalist in their day? Trick question. They're both respected journalists.
You're hideous dreams, Clacko. Bring that in here. Bring that negative energy into space.
Pulitzer was a journalist, but since Cochran was a lady, she was called a stunt girl, which is the same job with a fun condescending name change and lower pay, of course. Also, since it was considered totally nasty, not in a fun way for women to be journalists at all, they all had to have non-deplumes. Thus, Nellie Bly was born. Oh yeah, I used the name Hunter Biden when I published my Peppa Pig fan fiction. It's a beautiful story of enemies from- It was Nellie Bly! She began going undercover to expose the exploitation of women in lower classes. When sweatshop owners complained to the newspaper, she was reassigned to the goddamn fashion beat.
So, she quit and did what all rudderless artists do. Solveepit? Moved to New York. That's what she did. She moved to New York.
Pulitzer's publication, The New York World, said they would hire her if she went undercover as a crazy person and got committed to a notorious mental asylum for women. Doctors in her day were readily locking up women and diagnosing them as lunatics for symptoms like having a temper or cheating on her husband, Charlene. Nellie Bly used institutionalized misogyny to her advantage. She booked herself into a home for wayward girls and enacted her scheme to get sent to Blackwell Island's lunatic asylum. She faked amnesia, stared a lot, yelled at other girls and said they were crazy, and she said she was from Cuba. That was all it took the hero doctors of New York City's lunatic asylum to admit her.
I still clap every night at seven.
She spent 10 days inside and wrote an expose revealing the rampant, sometimes life-threatening patient abuse. Worst of all though, perhaps unsurprisingly, most of the patients she met weren't ill at all. Many were penniless immigrants who couldn't speak much English. The story, paired with her compelling writing style, kicked off Nellie's 10-year career of exposing the seedy underbelly of New York City's power brokers. And yet exposing my seedy underbelly made Cogsworth step in front of a bus.
In a time when women were rarely even given a byline, Nellie Bly's name was in the titles of her articles. Nellie Bly a prisoner. Nellie Bly describes war horrors. Nellie Bly buys a baby. Nellie was fearless and used her career to show the world that women can do anything, even going so far as to circumnavigate the globe and setting the record with her time for a story.
And all because some dumb douche in Pittsburgh wrote a sexist article? I gotta meet this lady. Welcome, we don't have any snacks, but you can lick the floor.
I have exposed the inhumane treatments in New York City sweatshops. I infiltrated the smoky back rooms where lobbyists were buying politicians. I even uncovered a black market baby buying business, but I have never seen a scene quite this dismal.
Sorry, that's a fucking clock. When are you gonna, it's a stupid asshole that can't even read, so.
Does he always speak to you in such a brutish manner? Yes, he's always screaming at me. Nellie Bly uncovers misogynist indoctrination camp. Well, I am the victim here. She puts her hands in my mouth when I yawn.
And how much do you get paid for this position? Paid? Like money? Oh, I've never been paid at all, Ms. Lady. Unbelievable.
Nellie Bly uncovers interdimensional forced labor ring. Oh, yeah, oh, that checks out. We're getting a lot of labor done around here. You see, everything is, there's a lot of work put into this. Name one labor you've done.
Nellie Bly finds locals sexist and breaks him like a toothpick. No. Never forget who owns the tower here, old man. Do you think she was mad at me? |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Wicked_Solution_Albo_s_Adventures_Mum_Vs_The_Kardashian_s_More_June_10 | Hello and welcome to your weekly Battuta News Bulletin, a wrap up of all of the biggest stories that have broken out of the channel country this week. I am Wendell Hussey, you will notice that the voice is not that of Clancy Overills, Clancy and Errol are meeting Bob Catter regarding some regional journalism grants, I believe. Anyway, you probably understand that that has taken a little bit longer than actually expected, so they're still doing that. That means that Effie Bateman and myself are jumping into the bulletin to run through what has been happening over the last couple of weeks. So it is great to be with you, so what will we kick off this week's bulletin with?
Alright, so we've got a local man who has pledged to solve the lettuce crisis by heading down to the shops with a few sewn needles. Yes, this is the story that has really taken the back end of the week by storm. That is of course, God's lettuce, which is normal lettuce, now rivaling the price of Devil's lettuce, they're through the roof and one man has had enough of that. His name is Will Pavlich, well that's the name that we printed, we've actually changed his name for anonymity because obviously he doesn't want to be identified for what he's about to do. He said he's had enough of this lettuce crisis shit, quoting him there, so he's going to be the change he wants to see in the world. Taking inspiration from the needle in Fruit Saga from a few years ago, Will says he's heading down to all of the local supermarkets in his area and he's going to put two bits of spiky metal into a couple of lettuces and he is just going to let the rest work its magic and what happens from there, hopefully he says he will see a drop in the price of lettuce and of course the flow on effect of things like bok choy, baby spinach, all those other leafy greens that we're used to having in our salads, stir fries, sandwiches, all that sort of stuff. Yes, like little golden tickets but ones that will drive the media into a frenzy and hopefully drive down the price of the fresh produce as well. Fingers crossed.
Heading overseas for our next story and Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has looked to strengthen ties with Indonesia by meeting President Widodo in a traditional outfit. Yes, Anthony Albanese headed off this week to visit our northern neighbour, Indonesia. It was the first official bilateral meeting for Albanese which is quite a significant thing in terms of international diplomacy, he's decided to have his first bilateral meeting with our northern neighbours and they rolled out the red carpet for him coming off the plane and taking him to the presidential palace. Anthony Albanese tried to return to show how serious he was. He turned up in some board shorts, thongs and a bintang singlet with a bintang longneck in hand. He did offer a longneck to President Joko Widodo, he turned that down, said he wasn't interested and just wanted to talk but seemed like it was received okay, the kind of barley dress up that Albanese had.
It's not known if he got confused between barley and Java and you know where he was in Jakarta which is not on barley but yeah it remains to be seen what happened behind closed doors there we haven't heard. He did go and get some cornrows as well actually afterwards I believe. Yes and there's been some allegations that he emerged drunk on a scooter as well but that seems to have been swept under the rug. Yeah that was just rumours we heard but we haven't been able to substantiate that. We had a comment from Justin Raby on that story actually, he had a bit of a tip off. He said that he has heard Anthony Albanese is going to be on the next episode of border security when he lands back in Sydney with a suitcase full of laser pointers and cheap DVDs. So something to keep an eye on, bit of entertainment.
And some more entertainment news now and we saw the royal family celebrate the Queen's platinum jubilee last weekend and that led to an interesting story from here in town. And this headline reads Yes mum here talking about her frustration that her daughter was so obsessed with the Kardashians or America's royal family as they're also known. Yes, the 57-year-old local monarchist called Julie Petrie has once again lashed out at the shallow interests of her two daughters today after hearing yet another high energy kitchen table conversation about Pete Davidson or Caitlyn Jenner or something like that. Yeah yeah and those comments did come during the platinum jubilee which was a bit of an eyebrow raising incident there in town but she did say and these are the quotes we've got from her I mean I guess when you think about it the Kardashians have invaded a fair few less countries and oppressed a whole lot less people and I don't think they have any paedophilia scandals currently plaguing them at the moment either.
Well not yet but you never know. You never know.
But we've got a good comment from a Trevor John Rogosh who says Might be a monarchist there I reckon Trevor. Yes I think so. Staunch defence of the Queen.
Fair enough Trev sorry we won't do it again. What's our last story of the week Effie? Alright so our last one is Queensland fans demand Munster never touches another schooner again. Yes that comes in the wake of that sensational game of rugby league on Wednesday night where Queensland once again demonstrated their superiority at the state of origin level against New South Wales. They did them 16-10 down there in Sydney away from home which is a big win in front of 80,000 cockroaches and man of the munch was Cameron Munster who led from the way he had like 188 metres busted the line absolutely terrorised the New South Wales team and it has been pointed out that his recent purple patch of form at Queensland level and Melbourne storm level may have something to do with the fact that he has gone dry and doesn't drink alcohol anymore. Obviously you know fans don't mind seeing the players enjoy a 4x gold and it would taste really sweet after a win but they've said after that display please Cameron no more schooners no more pints no more stubbies just keep doing what you're doing and keep terrorising those New South Welshmen because we just need to win one more game and that's another series in our name and the Blues dynasty gone because they don't seem to know how to play more than 20 minutes of football in a row so there you go that's the play out to Cameron Munster hopefully he hears it. There you go and that's what's making news this week. Hope you've had a good one hope you enjoyed it and we'll talk to you soon bye bye. please Cameron no more schooners no more pints no more stubbies just keep doing what you're doing and keep terrorising those New South Welshmen because we just need to win one more game and that's another series in our name and the Blues dynasty gone because they don't seem to know how to play more than 20 minutes of football in a row so there you go that's the play out to Cameron Munster hopefully he hears it. There you go and that's what's making news this week. Hope you've had a good one hope you enjoyed it and we'll talk to you soon bye. you |
dropout | my_super_not_chill_ghost_roommate_ep_1 | are you ticklish let's find out what was that no it's not nothing was no this again yeah come back don't investigate it was just a cat oh my god I love cats one time I can't eat pizza isn't that silly why'd you do that works every time I know it works every time asking you why you do it every time and crush my skull trying to bench press a TV and died instantly why don't you cut me some slack you haven't answered my question whoa hold on a second I'm gonna put on the sci-fi channel I think there's a special on ghosts like me if you're gonna watch sci-fi you should probably at least pay for half the cable Oh pizza my pizza I'm not even having some of the slices are just picking up some of the Ronis I see what you're doing I still don't want you to do that how come you can pick off pepperonis with your hands but they go right through dishes once you're trying to wash them how does that work how about I already feel bad about it so don't make me feel worse hey sorry that was my roommate is trying to scare me ah god they're gross and greasy and gross you're greasy yeah you can come back see you soon why are you inviting her back if you know what I am going to do I don't know I guess because I'm asking you not to okay how about this you call her back right now and tell her to go herself no and I'll pay you back for half of this DVD that I just accidentally too late don't |
TheOnion | The_Internship_Poised_To_Be_Biggest_Comedy_Of_2005 | The Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson comedy The Internship opens this weekend and Hollywood insiders say it's already poised to be one of the biggest hits of 2005. In the film, Vaughn and Wilson play middle-aged salesmen whose careers are damaged by the changing digital landscape and decide to apply for internships at the tech giant Google. Variety says the movie has everything an audience in 2005 could want in a comedy.
Jamie Ferguson is here. So Jamie, what did you think of The Internship?
I loved it. I would definitely recommend it to anyone looking for a laugh-out-loud comedy eight years ago.
It has a phenomenal cast. Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughn.
Yeah, both very popular in 2005. I mean, coming off the success of Wedding Crashers and Dodgeball, these two could definitely rake in cash at the box office back then. And the storyline sounds very exciting for a movie that came out in or takes place in 2005. Absolutely. The idea of getting jobs on the internet, struggling with video chat technology, all of that is very relatable to a 2005 audience.
Well, let's take a look at a clip. Charles Xavier? Very funny. Professor Xavier, we know that it's you. You found me out. Cyclops. Rogue. We're all here. Now, I want to share some of my wisdom with you. Wow, an X-Men joke.
Very topical a decade ago. There's even a scene where the snarky duo plays Quidditch for some reason. Well, that sounds like it would have been hilarious back when Harry Potter was big. Fans are buzzing.
I haven't seen any movies or TV shows since 2005, so I think this looks hilarious. I bet they'd probably learn about iPods. Oh, Borat shows up. So you say, worth seeing? Definitely. If you like the idea of the Wedding Crashers duo learning about the internet for the first time, then you're probably somehow stuck in the year 2005, and this movie is for you. But what about everyone else? Do you have to be in 2005 to get a lot of the jokes? I think you could still get a kick out of it in 2004 or 2006, too. Great. Thanks, Jamie. I certainly won't see that. Next up, Justin Timberlake accidentally drives off with Jessica Biel still on top of his car. ...in 2005, so I think this looks hilarious. I bet they'd probably learn about iPods. Oh, Borat shows up. So you say, worth seeing? Definitely. If you like the idea of the Wedding Crashers duo learning about the internet for the first time, then you're probably somehow stuck in the year 2005, and this movie is for you. But what about everyone else? Do you have to be in 2005 to get a lot of the jokes? I think you could still get a kick out of it in 2004 or 2006, too.
Great. Thanks, Jamie.
I certainly won't see that.
Next up, Justin Timberlake accidentally drives off with Jessica Biel still on top of his car. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_harvey_weinstein_and_r_kelly_s_prison_sentences_nba_slam_dunk_contest_snl | The publisher, Roald Dahl's books announced that they're altering some of his insensitive language like the words Fat and Ugly, as well as modernizing his portrayal of women, which will mostly affect Dahl's beloved children's classic, the Fat Ugly Wife who knew her place. it was announced that Brittany Griner has signed with the Phoenix Mercury for one year. unfortunately, the Wnba pays less than a Russian prison. a four-foot-long alligator was discovered in Brooklyn's Prospect Park, so you can probably take down all those missing dog posters. Yeah. This week, both Harvey Weinstein and R. Kelly were given additional prison sentences on top of the ones they are already serving. Which brings us to Michael Che's new segment. What did they even do wrong? they're guilty of loving too much, right? a player's got to play, am I right? Ladies, no! this has been. what did they even do wrong? You made some good points, Michael. a new report shows that New Jersey has the second worst roads in the country, while the worst roads are the ones that go into New Jersey. experts have debunked claims that an unwanted pregnancy can be terminated with high doses of Vitamin C. Well, that's the last time I asked a woman to stay over for breakfast, Colin. it was won by Mac Mcclung, a six-foot-two white man who has only appeared in two Nba games, which is just a terrible way to end Black history month. the National Brotherhood of Skiers is pushing for greater representation of black people in winter sports, which are predominantly white. huh. So it seems like someone's a little jealous that we took their precious dunk. Today is National Polar Bear Day, previously known as National Polar Bears Day. I love this audience so much, I mean, it's going great for me. a woman. a woman at an art fair in Miami accidentally shattered a Jeff Koon sculpture worth more than $40,000. Well, I guess it's like you always say, Colin. koons ain't safe in Florida. you're gonna get any kill. Mercury, for one year, Unfortunately, the Wnba pays less than a Russian prison. a four-foot-long alligator was discovered in Brooklyn's Prospect Park, so you can probably take down all those missing dog posters. Yeah. This week, both Harvey Weinstein and R. Kelly were given additional prison sentences on top of the ones they are already serving, which brings us to Michael Che's new segment.
What did they even do wrong? I mean, if anything, they're guilty of loving too much. a player's got to play. am I right, ladies? no! this has been. What did they even do wrong?
You made some good points, Michael. a new report shows that New Jersey has the second-worst roads in the country, while the worst roads are the ones that go into New Jersey. experts have debunked claims that an unwanted pregnancy can be terminated with high doses of Vitamin C. Well, that's the last time I asked a woman to stay over for breakfast, Colin. it was won by Mack Mcclung, a six-foot-two white man who has only appeared in two Nba games, which is just a terrible way to end black history, Michael. the National Brotherhood of Skiers is pushing for greater representation of black people in winter sports, which are predominantly white. huh, So it seems like someone's a little jealous that we took their precious dunk. Today is National Polar Bear Day, previously known as National Polar Bears Day. Aww!
I love this audience up here. it's going great for me. a woman at an art fair in Miami accidentally shattered a Jeff Koons sculpture worth more than $40,000. Well, I guess it's like you always say, Colin, koons ain't safe in Florida. you're gonna get any killed. |
dropout | ace_and_jocelyn_part_5 | Hey space cadets and girls. It's 6 30 in the morning, which means it's time for another episode of hold the hold the camera Like it's a San Joseline a San Joseline from space and Jocelyn astronaut accountants, and they're coming to your face If you live that shit say nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. Hey, I'm close the door Rotate it, right Anyway, a lot of you guys have been complaining that there's not a lot of super villains in these episodes Which is a great complaint, which is why today Ace and I are gonna foil the plot of an evil Scientist who's ugly and now if you never said What are you in this episode? Ace is gonna be confronted by an evil hideous scientist who can't handle a camera keep his mouth shut for the life I'm really sorry. I'm sorry, too I'm surprised so weird for someone like you who has it's like what does that even mean on this hat?
I swear everything's gonna be alright. Just put on that Yes, I I really do. I promise I swear to God. I have your money. Just good. Excellent on the hat and phone me bitch Yes, I don't know just can you open the door, you know, do you know you're lying even What are you even doing when you get? Just getting there. I'll see the rest I'm gonna kill you. Oh my oh my god pace a mirror that was oh my god, so good ace I led him right to you.
Oh, sorry would have been so So, oh the astronaut account strike again Hey, guess what you're a double agent You're a double You're a double agent ace. No way your name is I would never Jake take the cell phone out of my pocket ace get the cell phone out But don't worry. Yeah, this is so messed up right this right here This is a finger blasting gun and it shoots invisible lasers and I'm gonna shoot you know what it is Put it down. I don't get out of insurance down your knees right now. Get on your knees This isn't supposed to happen not until season two You have ten seconds to get out of here. He's crawling underneath like a dog before I shoot you Will ace ever come to his senses is Jocelyn really a double agent please stop talking will the evil ugly scientist shut up and let me finish All these answers and one more next week on this and Jocelyn as their accounts from outer space You're listening to a demo for stop music |
SaturdayNightLive | whitney_houston_and_bobby_brown_saturday_night_live | Is it? Tina, I think someone's at the update door. it's probably poor people wanting money again. Oh, hey, Jimmy. it's Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown. Hi. hi, Tina. What brings you two here?
After our interview with Diane Swoyer, I haven't been able to sleep. Yeah, and I haven't been able to stop sweating. So I said, Whitney, you and Bobby have to go get something straight. Yeah, because I got to stop the sweating. last night in bed, I almost drowned.
Yes, Jimmy, Tina. When I told Diane Swoyer Whitney doesn't do crack, crack is cheap. Only poor people do crack. I didn't mean that in a hurtful way. some of my best friends are poor people. like me. That's right, baby. What I meant to say was, as a parent, I would never do crack.
I mean, you've seen our baby, Tina. Yes, I have. You have? where is she? yeah, where you been keeping her at? Oh, no, I meant I've seen her in the papers. Oh, of course she's in the papers. she is the most famous baby in R&b.
Oh, baby, I'm starting to get Botolo. What? we're sweating a lot, isn't it? Okay, okay. Bobby needs his weed. come on, baby, let's go. let's get you a joint. Bobby, Whitney, I'm.
I'm gonna get you a joint. |
TheOnion | miami_marlins_deploy_airborne_drones_to_seek_young_fans_shoot_t_shirts_at_them | That's clearly not the Stanley Cup. You're holding a mug. A mug is still a cup, and you can name any cup Stanley.
I name you dunce. Put down a mug and take off your face. It's time for the Face Off.
Alright, the Heat coaching staff is worried about Chris Bosh, who is healing well from his abdominal strain, but has become addicted to belly rubs administered by training staff. Belly rub is a fact of NBA life, Kenny. The Marvin Gaye puts today's bellies through so much twisting and yanking that it's impossible to play without the occasional tummy rubdown. One belly rub a day is good medicine. 200 in a week is abuse. He's scrounging extra rubs from D-League training staffs and using lotions to mask his rub-rub belly skin from his own teammate. Bosh is a grown man with a grown gut. Quit your war on rubs! Alright, onto other decadent things.
The Miami Marlins have debuted t-shirt firing drones that target children who look like they want team apparel. Humans can't be entrusted with t-shirt distribution. The ever-present drones have the perfect algorithms to laser in on shirt-staffed kids and give them cotton delivery. This should have to claw over each other if they want a t-shirt.
Let the deserving prevail. With the drones, even the weakest children are rewarded with Marlins gear, bombarding them from five different angles. It's time for mankind to stop our barbaric squabbling and accept the judgment of these infallible drones.
Alright, from horrible machines to a wonderful man, referee Joey Crawford is under pressure to step up his game in the NBA Finals as he has failed to eject a single player all postseason. Crawford's in the worst slump of his career, Kenny. There were times during the conference finals when you forgot he was even on the court. That legendary hothead will show up when it counts. If he just starts the game calling a series of bullheaded double-technicals on five straight aborted jump balls, he'll be right back on track. I demand Crawford blow his whistle every possession, Kenny. If you like a heat and a thunder-funner rhythm, they'll make the game all about the basketball and not the officiating. If anyone can completely ruin a basketball series, it's Joey Crawford.
But you have ruined my day, Doc. And that's it for the Face-Off. I hope you're sad. And that goes for you too, Goofheads. I hope everyone is sad. |
SaturdayNightLive | get_off_the_shed_birthday_party_snl | Oh, Frank, Gail, or Brandon and Michael coming? yeah, I called them. I just don't know where they went to. Oh, no, wait. there they are, on top of the tool shed, honey. hey, Brandon? Michael? wanna do me and Mom a favor and get off that shed? come on, guys. need you to be a buddy and get off the Shed. what do you say? cake time. Here we go. come on. I'll take a small piece, and I mean small. Hey, guys! your dad wasn't joking. let's get off the Shed.
You know, Johnny, did you thank Brandon and Michael's parents for giving you the Lion King video? Oh, thank you. Oh, you're welcome, son. I just hope you enjoy watching it as much as Brandon and Michael do.
Get Off The Shed! You know, our boys must have watched that tape 500 times. we ended up having to buy a new tape. true story. true story. Get Off The Damn Shed!
Well, you know, our kids just love Disney. Oh, every movie we buy is Disney. yeah, pretty soon they'll be running the government.
I will shove you two back into my womb if you don't get off there. So what a great day for a party. Yeah, I do. I was talking to Jan Dixon just last Friday, and she was telling me that. I will drive you out to the desert! and leave you there for the entire month of August! If you don't get off that shed!
I'm telling a story. Anyway, she was just saying how hard it is to find good entertainment for a kid's party.
I will take you to the Philippines and sell your kidneys on the. Mommy, why are the man and lady yelling? I don't know, sweetheart, just don't go near the shed. So, hey, birthday boy, how does it feel to be nine? scared? that's adorable. I will douse you in gasoline! and light you on fire like that Buddhist monk in Vietnam! If you don't get off that damn shed! if you don't get down from that damn shed, I will legally change your name's to fruit and what. into a dark alley and fight you! If you are down in two seconds. he will do that, and I will videotape it and make you watch it every Christmas morning.
Get Off The Shed! Get Off That Shed! Get Off!
Right here. we were inside playing Nintendo the whole time. Oh. sorry, kids. I don't have my contacts in. hey, let's have some cake, huh? |
TheOnion | Steve_Jobs_Resigns_After_Realizing_Technology_Has_Gone_As_Far_As_It_Can | Steve Jobs resigns as Apple's CEO after realizing that technology has gone as far as it can. Incoming CEO Tim Cook unveils his vision for the future of the company, saying, quote, I'm thinking printers. And the voice inside this Libyan rebel's head is saying, oh, fuck, now what? And now a week in review that marginally respects your intelligence.
Publicists everywhere agreed this week that the nation's celebrities are in dire need of more fame, stressing that all six billion of the world's populace should know every U.S. celebrity by name and face by now. Publicists are calling for an emergency influx of buzz, heat, press, and word of mouth to be administered to the nation's celebrities immediately in order to prevent crucial fame levels from becoming dangerously low. In politics, all 535 members of the U.S. Congress have agreed to go all in and bet the farm on one last big bill. According to officials, the extremely risky legislation will contain everything but the kitchen sink, from banking reform to veterans programs, and is without a doubt the biggest hail Mary passed the nation's legislative branch has ever thrown. A spokesman for Senator Dick Durbin said of the bill, This one's for all the marbles. Time to roll the dice and pray to God we hit a hard six, brother, because we only got one shot at this. Congress believes the bill will either get the country on the right track or doom it forever, but either way, at least we'll go down swinging.
Novelist Edward Milligan told reporters this week that in his new book, By the Water's Edge, he has fleshed out in meticulous detail his own huge and stunningly shitty world. In-depth research and the power of his own imagination, Milligan was able to conjure out of thin air every hackneyed character, trite street name, and horseshit backstory in the fictional town of Conners Cove. The complete fucking hack proudly said he has created a universe that readers will feel they can actually reach out and touch. Sources say the prolific writer has not yet been punched repeatedly in the face. In sports, Jesus Christ informs Tim Tebow he isn't talented enough to start in the NFL. In other news, the electrifying GOP race is now down to two mentally ill people and a person who lost the nomination the last time. This frolicking deer is actually being driven mad by ticks. And McDonald's opens a new senior citizen play place. I'm sorry, but there is no more news contained in this online video. Please stop watching it immediately and visit theonion.com slash Newsbeat for more stories and videos. |
Wizards_with_Guns | we_force_anne_hathaway_to_swallow_a_bug_wizards_watch | You guys can't see him, but he got so mad. You guys, you guys. Enough. Are you okay? Call 911. Hey guys, welcome to another Wizards Watch. Today we're going to watch Ella Enchanted by Anne Hathaway, suggested by Leah Rice. Before we start, please like the video. It really helps us out. Let's begin. Oh. Mitch, dude, you're like with a thirst trap. Uh-uh. Forget the movie. Wait, can we save that? It starts with a fairy mistowing a spell.
This one's for a baby named Ella, a friend. Did you say you were attracted to the actor who played Ella? That's a baby. Not the baby, dude. That's so fucked up. Check it out, Anne Hathaway. Oh my god, that is so fucked up. What shall we give this beautiful little child today? What's your name again? Ella. Not a very well behaved little spanker, is she?
Quiet, please. I can't concentrate here. Ella Frel, I give you the gift of obedience. Now go to sleep. Now, wake up.
It's like a fairy godmother could give you anything you want. Like, could give you super strength. What gift would you want? I would want the gift of a water bottle. Just like a good water bottle. Just to stay hydrated.
Only Mandy and I know about the gift. And you must never tell anyone else. I don't want anyone using it against you.
It is a miracle that Ella wasn't around for Call of Duty lobbies in 2012. She would have killed herself instantly.
You are a public figure, after all. Yes, but you're the one in charge. Only for a little while longer. Your coronation is next week. You need to be out there with the people, Tron. Yes, shaking hands and kissing babies.
I thought it was going to be the snake from the Jungle Book. That's the voice of Pooh. Did you say Pooh?
I'm starving. What? I need you to do me a little favor. Take that. Cool, let me try. Take that. And that potion bottle. Okay! That's enough. I think that's for me to say, Ella. We need one more thing.
Eat a bug. Eat a bug, Ella. Eat a bagel. Ella, eat this cup. Oh, she did it. She must be hungry.
You're under arrest. You didn't tell her to do anything with you under arrest. He didn't say, be under arrest.
Yeah, that was fake. Yeah. That would never happen. That wasn't real. This movie is fake. I was just trying to spell to trim his hair. It went a little askew.
I would have left her ages ago. Except I love her so darn much. Plus I have no legs. I love you too, my little pookie pages. Would you date a book? I would absolutely thumb through that man. I've got to find Lucinda and get her to take back the curse. Show me Lucinda.
Ta-da! Cool trick. Um, everything is so huge. They're in Giantville! fuck! Benny, we're going to Giantville!
You ruined the vibe. There was a vibe and you've ruined it. It existed and now it's gone. How does that ruin the vibe?
You said, I'm so horny. I didn't mean- No! Ella Efrelle, hi, how you doing? Um, I think there's been a big mistake here. See, I'm pro ogre. Pro ogre. Absolutely. I led a rally on your behalf the other day.
Untie yourself. Drus, can't we just get along? Are you one of the monsters who killed my father? Florian was a good man. We lived in peace during this reign. Why would he kill him? Uh, um, let me see. Everybody wants to be my enemy. It's really good. You should try out. For the Magic Dragons?
No, for suicide bombing. Trying out is- you get one shot. A sketch about suicide bombing. A sketch about trying- A sketch about trying out for suicide bombing.
I'm sorry, I couldn't find any pictures of gay male porn. Turn it off! Find pictures later. Ow! You work until sundown. The giants have always been gentle. Why are they being treated like slaves? I'm sure my uncle doesn't know about this.
Would you guys ever ride a horse? Would you do horse riding? Yeah, I'd let a horse ride.
That's not what I meant. This is gonna get so fucked up. People are gonna chop this up and fucking put us out of contact and it's gonna suck. They're gonna cut that part out. This is so fucked!
I kind of like the effects in this movie. There's something charming about them. There's something charr about them.
Step on me again. Please tread on me. They would literally hand her off. Careful, careful. She'll break. I broke her. Guy's like, I snapped Anne Hathaway in half. She's Anne Halfaway.
Yes! Let's go! We did it! Best joke! Yes!
I'm sorry. Why are you bandaid? I love singers. Really? Because you know, being an elf, I love to sing.
I guarantee you though, that this giant woman was like an awakening for a lot of people. A lot of people are like, oh shoot, is there a lady that big in real life? I hear a bigger across the sea. I could imagine. I could imagine dragons.
I'm waking up. I feel it in my bone. I'm really feeling it in my bone, guys. My bone hurts.
Into the castle lobby. I can't believe it. Prince Charr walked on this actual floor?
Show us where Charr showers. I bet he showers naked. I want his clump of hair from the drain. Show us where he poops. I want his pube clog from the shower.
Might even be willing to throw Prince Charr into the deal. After the coordination, he'll need to take a queen. And uh, shall we say, his hand in marriage?
For the eldest daughter, of course. Ella does everything she's told. I don't know why, but she does. She can't help it. She just needs a friend who can tell her good things to do.
Like, somebody's just like, don't do that. Never mind. Forget it.
Oh, she did it. Oh my god. What a dumbass. She's crazy. Ella, cry. Ella, fart. Fart. That's like level one of this joke. If I had a friend here I'd say.
My abs. My one ab hurts so much. My big middle ab.
At the stroke of midnight, you will take this dagger and plunge it through his heart and kill him.
No! I won't!
Oh yes, you will. You will. Because I ought you to. I ought you to.
Ella, this is a 7-6-2 round. It goes into an LR-985. I need you to hop on the grassy knoll and wait for President JFK. She's like, sure. Sure.
Kill your own nephew? No, why not? I killed my own brother. What? Why?
I want to be king. Duh. Now go. Wait! You will tell no one of this plan. I don't like this movie. Not yet. I'm gonna like it soon. I think it's pretty good, actually.
Snake o'clock. Oh shoot, it's half past snake. I gotta go, uh, literally snake time. I gotta go water my snake. I gotta go milk my snake. It left my snake on. I should really get back.
I don't understand. What is it? My politics? Your family?
Stab him! Relax, man. Shed blood! Oh my god.
You will no longer be obedient. You will no longer be obedient!
It just bounces. It bounces and goes right into his head. Right into his eye.
I think Ella's in trouble. Something to do with Edgar. We have to find her. Show me Ella. Edgar's doing this.
Why does that guy look like Ben Shapiro? The guy in the book? So hypothetically, you've been enchanted. Hypothetically, I'm a book. And that's the thing.
Women are supposed to be bone dry. Women are supposed to be as dry as a book. As a dusty old tongue.
Open up. I'm Miss Phan's legal representation. Her what? Her lawyer, numbskull.
If the gauntlet doesn't fit, you must acquit. They just made an OJ reference in Ella Enchanted. Wait, if the gauntlet doesn't fit, you must acquit?
This elf was OJ's lawyer. Do you think OJ did it? Leave a comment if OJ did it. Leave a comment on someone else's video.
You must find a way to get rid of the prince. And I think I have a pretty good idea how to do it. He's right inside me, isn't he? No. People of Lamere.
Today is a very special day for our kingdom. For today, you are here to witness the crowning of a king. You are here to witness the circumcision of our king.
Wait, what? Cut his penis off! That's not what it is! Cut it off!
I went to the circumcision clinic the other day. The dumpster behind the clinic was full of calamari. It was delicious!
You can't do that. Why would you say? That's an old joke. It would look like calamari too. Gladys! You okay? I'm fine, but Char may not be. Show me Edgar! That's Char's crown. He's poison dead.
We gotta go. Come on! Come on guys! We got a coronation to crash!
Would you date Anne Hathaway? Hahahaha! Stupid Edgar.
I saw a TikTok of her going like crazy at a club recently, and she looks like she's so fun to hang out with. We should hang out with her. We should hang out with Anne Hathaway.
Mattie! Help! Fairies and kingdoms across the land. Please help me turn Benny back into a man.
He's a pumpkin!
Oh! I thought he was going to go... I'm just kidding. He's like in there. He's like... Who was this guy? It was the book! Hello! It was just her boyfriend. Literally just a boyfriend. Eh, the book was better. Hahahaha! You suck so much for saying that. Come on! That is really funny, though. Excuse me. Thank you. Oh, I thought he was going to go right up into the skirts. Um, he's right inside me, isn't he? Stop! That's like the fifth time you said that. Ew, I hated that shot. He really likes getting stomped on. Oops.
He literally poisoned the crown himself. He could never be king. He just killed himself.
That joke hurt me. Um, he's right inside me, isn't he? Stop! Oh my god.
She barely took a bite of that cup. And I asked her to eat a cup months ago. Months ago.
That's an awakening. That is a huge sexual awakening for so many people.
For me right now.
That was my new favorite movie. It was fine. Michael, what was your favorite part? The snake got stepped on. That was my favorite part. My favorite part was the second time that happened. Yeah, there were several times.
My favorite character was OJ. OJ was not in the film. No, he's in the credits. OJ produced the film.
He was the snake. Yeah, Mitchell, what's your review? 4 out of 8. Char. One giant woman. Out of 12.
If there's any giant woman in the comments, please cradle me. Thanks for watching, guys! If there's a movie you want to see us watch next, please keep it to yourself. We got new sketches coming out soon, so be sure to hit the notification bell. Finally, a huge thank you to all of our patrons. Thanks, guys. You stepped over my line. I was just trying to chime in. I thought it'd be natural. If you're interested in supporting us that way, a link to our Patreon is in the description. Thanks, guys.
And now, Mitchell will name his favorite women's rights activist. Say any name. Just say your mom. What's your mom's name?
Bye! I love you! |
cracked | the_invention_of_last_names_stuff_that_must_have_happened | I hear by call this emergency council meeting to order may the Lord bless all our enterprise what's this about John is plowing to be done yet what I know I didn't call the bloody meeting he's talking to me John we're both named John I am John that is council leader and you are John that I don't give a done and Stephen I'll remind you that it's past plowing time already as long as George is away his good wife is good to go for soon George enough Stephen means the wife of George who sells fish at market although he shall still burn in hell for his sins no Stephen who to Stephen to we'll call you why can't we call him Stephen to we are that's what I said this is exactly why I called the meeting the name situation has gotten out of hand and I humbly beseech this council to revisit my idea of giving each person in the village an additional second name so as to ease confusion and the exchange of insurance information a second name well we think John fancies himself king of France look this isn't that hard just a simple way of identifying one another think never again will we watch the Sun set as we try in vain to get the attention across the town square of James who fell into the pig trough at Michael must that year we had the corn famine oh you know what I think it'll be easier if we just push on through right you'll get it for example Jesse Jesse with the booze oh yes what would you like is your second name John no that's my name try again right Jesse white or brown colors very difficult objects Jesse stone River almost anything I'm literally naming things I see Oh what about John occupations okay Jesse has a farm so she will be Jesse farmer done so we're all fun Jesse with the balls by this logic you would be Jesse Smith do we understand we'll just do occupations for everyone but I clean the stables what would my name be George Schmidt George Turd all right all right you don't want to use your job just pick anything dibs on God God I want to be God that's blasphemy good win John Godwin all right but we're not spelling it the way you want spelling it with a why I want something about my manhood how it's so big yes I like that Johnson Steven Johnson done can't can my name be three names I don't think that's a good idea you let Johnson and Godwin pick this all right since you're using the system yes you can have three names I want three names to John Johnson Godwin we can't give everyone three names we'll never remember them all what if we did the three names you're just not expected to remember the middle one it's just something you bring up maybe a party so to end an awkward conversation ah good thinking turd handler hey guys subscribe to the YouTube channel can't tell you how important it is because we're gonna have a bunch of YouTube specific crack stuff coming up reaching out to big celebrities Fred's gonna have a crack show fracked smosh is gonna have smacked it's gonna be real it's gonna be great so click that button you won't regret it |
cracked | the_darkest_episode_of_an_80_s_sitcom_ever_cracked_responds_to_small_wonder | Bridgette, Cody, how familiar are you with the 1980s hit, Small Wonder? I know enough about it that it wasn't a hit, but it's like a little robot girl. Yeah, a tiny robot. That's exactly right, yes. This is a show about a normal nuclear family, except one of the kids in the family was a robot that the dad had built at his office and brought back home and raised as his daughter.
And everyone else, nobody else was in the know, and it's impossible that they don't know because she's constantly outing herself. Does the family know? The family knows, yes.
And the way that she talks is how you'd imagine an eight-year-old imagining a robot. She talks like this a lot, and it's very monotone. It's basically like a show that put back our understanding of autism by like nine or ten years. Oh, no. Everybody who then saw a kid like this was like, oh, that's a robot for sure.
They're small wondering us. So I want to talk to you about a specific episode of this show called Woodward and Bernstein. It's also called Girl on the Mill Carton. They wavered around on the title.
They never really got one. They nailed it. They never did it.
This is a fascinating episode. The main plot of it is that the young boy in the family, the robot's brother, he's trying to do a report for school. And if you do the best journalism report, you win an award. And he and his buddy make up a story about how there's horse meat in the kitchen. And then they get in a lot of trouble for that. And so now they got to redeem themselves and come up with a better story. And the better story is the B-plot of this, which is a new girl comes to school, this girl, Chrissy.
Turns out she's a missing kid. Oh, no. That is me. Why am I in a milk carton? Also doesn't know she's missing.
Yes. Okay.
So she's moved into this town and she is a missing girl. Her dad has clearly kidnapped her and taken her away and she's never questioned it like why she's left her mom or anything like that.
This then becomes the joke throughout the rest of the episode, where the boys discover this milk carton on the table and they're like, we need a story. Too bad there's not one right under our noses. And then they find out that this girl's a missing child. And instead of doing anything about it, instead of bringing it to the attention of anybody, they're like, this is our scoop.
Oh, my gosh. And they want that A. They write the story about this, bring it to school thinking, we're going to get a sweet award for this. Oh, no. And the principal comes up to them and says, did you make this story up too? Is this like the horse meat situation? They say, no, no, no, it's real. They call Chrissy's family that Chrissy's dad gets spooked and takes off with her again. Oh, my God.
This is pretty much how the episode ends. The only saving grace is at the very end.
Why is he getting a cake? Oh, because they got the award. Nice. And then dad made them a cake.
Oh. I feel so bad about Chrissy. Yeah. Yeah, she's a kidnapped child.
Yeah, you guys are going to feel a lot better when you bury your face in a big... Really good point. The dad is trying to make them feel better about the whole situation by saying you'll feel much better by burying your face in this cake.
Forget about that little Chrissy girl. I know you had a huge crush on her, and also it's a really tragic situation that she has with her family. But forget about her.
And if you look at the time code here, we're at now 2046 of an episode that's only 22 minutes long. And it's like, how are we going to resist? They've got a lot of work to do. Right. So here's how they decided to resolve it.
Terrific news, everyone. The police found Chrissy and her father, and she's going to be reunited with mom. So now everyone's pumped that they're going to eat cake. That's not the end of that story by any means. She's reunited with her mother. That means, I mean, this is a father that she's always known as her father, that she's loved, that clearly she was living with for a while and took her away.
He's going to jail. He's going to prison for this.
Right. So her world has been torn apart twice in a sense. Torn asunder. Yeah, and who knows what her mom is like. I mean, that relationship clearly is fractured at some capacity. But it's way, way worse now, and this girl belongs to the system now.
The episode is just like, you know what? It doesn't matter.
They're all going to eat cake here at the end. They're going to smoosh it on each other's faces like this is their wedding. Oh, he gets a space smash by the robot because the robot doesn't smash the cake. And then everyone laughs. Except for the creepy robot child face. And then credits roll.
It's a really dark episode that no one in the show clearly at any stage realized that it was a dark episode. I mean, the actors aren't playing it like that. The writer didn't write it like that. The director wasn't at any point like, OK, well, we're going to have to change the tone of this a little bit. Yeah, up to your emotion a little bit. And that wasn't out of the question that there would be sitcoms back in that time that would handle these things very seriously. I think that it was in response to other people who were doing very special episodes about missing kids.
And they were like, oh, yeah, we should probably do one of those. They did a few rails of coke, and then they're like, oh, let's just crank out a screw. He gets a phone call.
I mean, it's fine. I'm not like a big fan of small wonder. I'm not. I am. A wonder head. I don't binge small wonder. I'm not a wonder head. Thank you. Wonder head.
Does she do robot stuff in the episode that affect the story? Like, is she like? Almost exclusively as tangential.
There are a lot of episodes where they were just like, all right, well, we already did all the robot stuff. So now let's just do some other things. So they took the robot out to give it more weight. I love the early 80s idea of what AI is. Yes. That Elon Musk is like when he finally rolls out his robot.
It's just going to be the small wonder girl. That's what we were afraid of this whole time. All our self-driving cars are, you actually, we don't realize that you won't be able to sit in the driver's seat because she'll be there.
She'll be there looking at milk cartons and being like, is this you? Is this you? Hey, everybody.
Thank you for watching that episode. You can always click on the C in the middle of the screen to subscribe. For more, you can also hit that bell. That'll let you know when we have more videos coming up, or you can check out any of the other videos going on the right rail over there. You can see maybe other stuff that's recommended to you based on your previous likes or other cracked videos. We prefer those. |
dropout | Livin_Mask_Free_Music_Video | Well you know I love my country, and it brings me pain to see All my fellow countrymen, succumbin' to disease So I ask the family doctor if there's something I can do She only asks that I wear a mask, so I smile and say Fuck you! Fuck you, I don't care what your signs say I'm a freedom lover, member of the USA I'll kill this entire country if it keeps it free Don't need to wear a mask cause I'm brave and strong And I'll hurt you suffocate if you wear it too long But I'm not frightened, nobody's as brave as me Yeah, life feels good when you're living in this free People try to tell me it's the least that I can do They say we're fucking dying What the fuck is wrong with you? And I wonder how to save them Is there even his way? And as they shout to cover your mouth I lean in close and say Fuck you, it's a thing called sacrifice If you die for my freedom that's just the price The price we pay for sweet, sweet liberty If you don't like freedom you can leave this land But you can't right now cause there's a travel ban To most of the country cause America's so diseased But that's okay cause we're living like that's free It's not protecting people It's hiding tyranny Can you even name one place that thinks they're worth it? It's not the CDC Or the World Health Organization Or scientists Or NIH Or the NIH Or pretty much every other country in the world Um, uh, Donald Trump? What? No. That doesn't sound right. No, yeah, he really dragged his feet on it But I think, like, even the dumbest man in the world Has gotten on board with masks at this point And there's a picture right here Fuck you, I don't care about all the deaths I don't care about your kill with my stinking breath Cause I'm caught and free, I'm out from CDC But I'm not talking about your freedom to live I mean the freedom to look at all the shits I give Cause the only guy I care about is me And the only way I'm living is mastery Yeah, the only way I'm living is mastery |
SaturdayNightLive | taco_town_snl | Now that's what I call taco. Well, it's not a Taco Town taco until we roll it up in a blueberry pancake, dip it in batter, and deep fry it until it's golden brown. then we serve it all in a commemorative tote bag filled with spicy vegetarian chili. it's sifting great taste all rolled into one. Taco Town! The new Pizza Crepe, Taco pancake, chili Bag. Only at Taco Town. Taco Town!
Thanks for watching! |
cracked | why_wizards_make_terrible_co_workers_cracked_classic | Cracked asked two of its employees and they've been soaring to write film and edit a sketch on their lunch break. This is that I'm sorry. There's just no longer a position for you here And before you say anything I want you to know this has nothing to do with the fact that we recently hire a wizard Okay, I just I Find that a little disingenuous for you to say Considering all right, how so He's not handling this well, why is he even here he apparated in look I would say something but he'd probably just erase my memory All right You got me This guy, huh? Real office cut up. I'm gonna have to watch him. Yeah, I've given so many years to this company. Okay I'm gonna be level with you here Tim Your numbers are down. Our money is tight and to be perfectly frank Wizards here will work for new time Wolfbane can't summon Wolf Spain I have no idea why this is just another example of Corporations replacing qualified workers with cheap wizard labor.
Okay, we prefer warlocks actually and I have a name too. It's Orland the mystical zero That reminds me we're gonna have to get you some business cards. Do you go by Orland or is it just seer? It's Orland the mystical See your room do Really the whole okay.
I'm sure we can get HR to squeeze it on there for you. It's a coding job Why do you even need a wizard to do that Tim? I don't have to call security But I will really and who's on desk today Lance, or did you replace him with a vampire? Okay, can I just hop in here one quick second?
Yes, Tim. Is it Tim?
I don't want to fight I'm just like you. All right, just a regular guy trying to make ends meet Don't you try to? You see Tim? Wizards need jobs too. Just so you know the second I leave this office. I will be filing a complaint with the Better Business Bureau It's actually they me just counsel now Tim I don't think you're really seeing the big picture just yet. I could have fireballed you the second you walked in here I could be bony your girlfriend as we speak Do you have a girlfriend you don't answer that her name is Stephanie and she likes from behind Whoo ain't a big big white, right? My point being You're not a frog You still got all your limbs.
Yeah So, you know fuck up Okay I'll clear out my desk, I guess Oh If you want to I could erase your memory so Forget this whole thing ever happened. Don't do me any favors. You don't want to talk to a wizard like that You do not want to talk to a wizard.
He'll come for you next. No one's safe Come on, sir, let's go Hey YouTube, thanks for watching. Make sure you Watch our other videos and subscribe if you want to find out if you not find out you want to tell us what the next Episode should be about right in the comments Don't do that. We're not gonna do that. We wouldn't the next episodes already. You don't know what you're doing Hasn't shot we were no power in this professionals. We know you are just you're here to watch. Thanks for watching |
cracked | sneaky_ways_christmas_movies_are_capitalist_propaganda_yboc_series_finale | It's just it's so frustrating. This is supposed to be your brain on crack 69th episode Nice and it's Christmas and yet after almost three years I'm still missing the perfect centerpiece prop that'll allow me to create a real quality Christmas special You know for the fans and also for my Christmas bonus. I Have an idea. Who are you? I'm you but from a possible future where you're super rich Is that why you came here to tell me that I've finally invented 404 K's 403 K's but with an extra K. I'm not allowed to reveal too much lest I altered the timeline, but no So why are you here then all the problems you're currently facing can be solved by currying the favor of just one Titan of industry, huh?
I had never considered that take a Christmas carol For example said she probably stupid definitely poor Bob Cratchit asks for Christmas off because he's weak and doesn't understand the value of a hard Day's capitalism. He's so poor. He hopelessly tries to find joy in his family instead of bags of money fashioned into the shape of a busty Guess I remember it being like that what Cratchit is really doing with his selfish request is Undermining his boss the successful and useful for society Ebenezer Scrooge What else can I be and sure initially Scrooge isn't the sweetest sweetheart in the world But after a couple encounters with a few socialist ghosts and he does donate to charity and give Cratchit a modest raise But the underlying point here is still that it's up to Scrooge as in nothing improves without the direct intervention of a big strong man with a huge girthy Wallet indeed Cratchit and the other pours in town can't just decide to have better lives The burden of actually bettering society rests on the beautiful broad shoulders of rich dudes like Scrooge Okay, but what about when rich people aren't redeemed like mr. Potter and it's a wonderful life. That's why Santa gave us Jimmy Stewart He's not rich.
He's a man of the people the little guy the Italians You hear what he said mr. Bailey Jimmy might not be as liquid as mr. Potter But the dude owns like a hundred houses and his company is called building and loan That's alone. The guy is pure uncut capitalism going straight up the nose of Bedford Falls So then you could swallow it. Remember mr. Potter and Jimmy are the only two people responsible for holding the town together during the Great Depression They're both industrious capitalist heroes But the movie makes one of them evil to reinforce that well Yeah, of course, there are bad capitalists out there that would fill our towns with casinos and libraries have given the chance What actually holds the world together are nice and generous capitalist like sweet jammie What's more the movie constantly demonstrates how Jimmy Stewart is actually better at business and money management Then mr. Potter one of these days this bright young man's gonna be asking George Bailey for a job The only way for Potter to continue to compete with Jim is by stealing money like a filthy socialist, huh?
That kind of sounds like the plot of yet another beloved Christmas classic Iron Man 3 exactly Merry Christmas bunny each Iron Man film sets up some sort of confrontation between good weapons developers like Tony and his dad and Bad weapons developers like Justin Hammer and Ivan van Gogh, but it all comes most directly to a helmet In Iron Man 3 Tony is now a sensitive weapons developer racked with regret and PTSD Conversely the film's antagonist is Aldrich Killian another brilliant weapons and business boy who is almost as successful But not nearly as charming that lovely lady. What was his name? Both men build these insane weapons of war But as always Tony is just that much more talented and possesses the sturdier neck for business Which obviously makes him the default hero and because this is Marvel Aldrich is a literal terrorist intent on destroying the world and by extension the canvas upon which capitalists paint their Masterpieces.
Yep It's no coincidence that December is the month when most businesses finally go into the black after 11 months of running at a loss It's because all the Bezos of the world see a couple of Christmas trees shining in the corner and decide to become charitable and more Importantly to kick off a little spending spree you billionaire Jeff Bezos Well, why see in the Richie Rich sequel nobody saw articular Richie experiences his own It's a wonderful life glimpse into what would happen if he'd never been born And what do you know the world would be a worse place because some other rich kid would be in charge of fixing everything I'm the one who got your sleigh to crash Once again, nobody has more power to change the world for the better or worse Than the powerful men and small boys literally born into wealth like the rats at the bottom of Scrooge McDuck's money bin You have really convinced me ghost of a future where I'm rich which automatically also means happy So can you lend me the money I need to do this Christmas special, right? No, you're a terrible investment But I'm you yeah, poor me hit me up when you become actually useful like when you learn a magical skill or something How the hell am I supposed to learn a magical skill? Maybe watch a Christmas movie Feels like that's the theme of this episode Yeah, I think you're right dear wealthy but kind christmas capitalist uber mensch to whom this concerns. Merry christmas Yeah, I said christmas. I know saint holidays is bad for business and now that i've established I'm good at capitalism. Allow me to wow you further after watching most christmas movies I've determined the one thing that really revs the engines of big-time ceo boss types everywhere is taking magical characters And or characters of magical situations and transforming them into profitable pet projects For example in nicholas cage's greatest non heist film the family man.
He experiences yet another it's a wonderful life glimpse Please just tell me what's happening to me in plain english Without the mongol jumbo Where he views his life if he'd forgotten an internship at a stocks at bond store to instead marry the love of his college life And work at a tire store cheddar coming But even though he's financially poor in this alternate reality his mind remains rich with incredible stock and bond knowledge At one point nick drives into the city meets up with his old boss and conjures forth a job offer despite having almost literally Zero experience stocking or bonding the boss is drawn to this apparently magically gifted goober because he can almost certainly Make his company money. You're a man who prides himself in finding talent in unusual places Nick ultimately decides not to take the job because he mistakenly believes love is more important when he returns to his real life He meets up with tia leone to try and marry her for real, but it's not like he's not rich now He's still got the money. He's already made. It's not like he has to go back and work at a tire store Check it bust it bust it If they did end up married he'd also end up with all the money that tia made since she became a fancy lawyer Instead of a stay-at-home mom. She tries real hard The difference now is nick also has a wonderful disposition that allows him to steal the hearts of everybody He encounters on his path to understanding.
I sing to you Oops looks like it's another heist film after all pretty much the same thing happens in big when tom hanks and is magically in big in junk Honey boost toy sales for his boss by utilizing all of his childlike whimsy and insight even better He's quickly promoted to first string on the interdepartmental big ass piano team And yet the clearest and weirdest example is found in rudolph the red-nosed reindeer Throughout the movie pretty much everybody thinks rudolph a weird rhino phimid idiot until twist It turns out his birth defect can be co-opted to increase productivity for santa's business Without rudolph's big-ass shiny nose the toys wouldn't get delivered on time and deadlines would be missed when rudolph was just a unique magical Oddity there was no reason for him to exist at all. But now Rudolf is a hero that'll go down in history I knew that nose would be useful someday I knew it all along all because they found a way to profit off his physical imperfections Oh actually the actual actual weirdest example is in miracle on 34th street where the real santa clause gets hired by macy's To sell sh** and he's so good at his job. He literally creates an army of loyal macy's customers Where did you get such a lovely outfit? Here at macy's we get 10 off It's a movie about a magical being of unknown power deciding the best way to use his time Is by boosting the valuation of a real life department store.
Have I done something wrong?
Oh no And that's what I want to be for you a christmas themed magical being of supernatural capitalist usefulness To that end i've spent the past three days becoming preternaturally gifted in tile creation for snapchat I'm so damn good at making snapchat tiles. That's insane. Your ctr will go through the roof so hard I promise you that watch times those will increase the the snap one drop off is gonna be tight So write me back at the return address and let's make some money Tis the season love dr. Jordan Hi I'm roger and I must say your offer to make me a lot of money really moved me to embrace kindness this christmas eve I intend to bestow upon you an incredible christmas prop to make this the current episode That's already at least two-thirds finished the best christmas special ever. Yeah, that's amazing Slow it down. Let me watch.
That's amazing as long as it's exactly what I want again I've watched a lot of christmas movies and the one thing that consistently ruins everybody's lives Sometimes for decades is receiving the wrong christmas present for example each of the santa claus movies You know the ones starring cocaine rat santa Involve at least one subplot where somebody's life is dramatically improved after Finally receiving some specific niche gift that they've wanted for most of their lives Like the whole reason neil apparently became a therapist is to deal with his own personal trauma of never receiving a weenie whistle No, weenie whistle and that's when I stopped believing You were three While scott's ex-wife receiving a mystery date game causes her to weep openly like her dead dog came back to life In the second movie santa giving the woman from lost a specific doll she wanted from childhood. It's baby doll Finally lets him seal the deal and make it a white christmas all over her sweater That's what I was gonna say I really hope I don't that's fine Let's talk jingle all the way the movie centers on two adult men acquiring one specific toy for their respective progeny The ending is considered happy because even though sen bad goes to literal jail It's all good because his kid gets the turbo man toy for christmas That's what every kid actually wants on christmas not their family or their dad turbo man part man all turbo It's turbo man room. Is it true? I have literally no idea what you're talking about Or how about a christmas story ralphie's life is complete shit until he gets a hold of that red rider bb gun He spends the entire movie trying to get the thing even as everybody else thwarts his attempts And yet his otherwise mediocre life completely turns around once his dad grants him the greatest desire of his son's stupid heart Hell even as an adult decades later Ralphie reminisces that it was the greatest christmas present. He had ever received forget jesus A bona fide gali took a kind of freak The implication here is that his life would have gone much worse if he'd only got the bunny suit and no gun He'd probably end up a sad Overworked creative or something. I don't know if that's the takeaway. It is if you believe hard enough, right? Well, here's your present Kong I already have a kong What does this not ape have to do with christmas? Anyway, this won't make for a good christmas special episode.
This won't make for a good anything You can forget about paying me at best a tenth of the actual value of my magic snapchat power I've been roger by the way So What is even the point of all this What's the point of pleasing bosses making money or acquiring shit or playing the game? If I make a million more videos, will that make me happy? If this video gets a million views Will that make me happy if nordvpn sponsors this video for a million dollars? Will that make being on by endless weirdos on the internet worth it?
Would the world be any different if i'd never been born? Or more importantly if i'd never made a cracked video Would anybody care except the you know handful of board directors or whatever that are a couple of million dollars a year? poorer Just to be clear kong We're a pretty profitable video operation at a time when not a lot of people are what I need is a glimpse Like and it's a wonderful life glimpse, you know Just so I can have some clarity So I can know what sort of content strategies to pursue in the future Maybe if I jumped off of that Oh my oh my Oh no Stupid italian, bitch I freaking I died. Did you actually jump you were talking for so long. I didn't think you were gonna do it Uh, I guess I kind of dropped the ball being your guardian angel. But did anything change does my life matter? How many? Fuse does the video have who knows dude your wife and kids and friends are all sad that you died More people than you could have ever dreamed watch your stupid videos and you were able to provide for your family without ever getting A real job. What more meaning could you possibly need? Huh never uh Thought about that.
Hey, if i'm dead, does that make this a series finale? Is your brain on crack dad? Not sure seems like a distinct possibility There's a new year coming and there might be a lot of things changing. Who's to say? Merry christmas Hey, why am I solid and like corporeal and you're still like a force ghost or something? Well, technically i'm in a trial period and I can't imagine me letting you die is going to speed any of that process up So oh, yeah, I wish I was not dead Dude, I hear you Me too for sure Absolutely for real for real No cap on god This is wrong Audio i've seen this rolling Yeah, i'm seeing one take one All right, I feel like should we sort it aside We good. Yeah Man, this guy's super dead Is this me? Can't give both is that piss I don't know. I mean how should I All right, i'll just Oh man, this guy's dead.
Is this my chart? Oh good you're here Uh, the results just got back My name is dr. Jordan Chapman breeding and my mom says my male name comes from johnny chapman Aka johnny apple seed, but honest honestly, I prefer grapes You're part of the first ever episode of your brain on crack the medical drama where I diagnose movie problems to distract from my personal issues And the only show on cracked Today I diagnose |
dropout | hardly_working_passive_assholes | Sure, if you want to step on toes and definitely not ankles, then I'm only sitting here. Have a seat. I'm already sitting here.
I was talking to him, but yes, you're right. Sam, I think I know why we called you in here today.
You guys are mad because I didn't invite you to my taco party. Yeah, no, yeah, but no, we're not mad. We're not like... No. Okay, because it seems just from where I'm sitting like you're mad. Yeah, yeah, but actually, no, no, God no. Are we hurt? Did it anger and upset us?
You know, who knows?
Yes, resoundingly, yes. Right. Well, why don't I just apologize? Yeah. God no, God no, God no. Would an apology help to quell this... Raging.
No, this... Ooh, venomous. No, this...
What was that? I don't know. I thought it was pretty good. It wasn't good.
He was stupid. You're stupid.
Wait, we're not the enemy. He's the enemy. We turn us against each other. You're right. He's a bad person.
Okay, unified front. Okay. Okay, listen.
Taco nights come and go. There's always the next one.
Why don't I just apologize? We can move on. Okay. I mean, if you want to... I mean, no. If you feel better or something like that... If you feel better, I'd get that I get that I get that, but definitely I don't think you, yes.
I'm gonna go. You're actually leaving without apologizing, Sam? Unfreakin' believable. I mean, you should know we're having our own taco party and you aren't invited.
Are you mad? No. There's gonna be three kinds of cheeses. Are you mad? No.
Sharp cheddar? Monterey Jack? Sharp cheddar?
Are you mad? Not mad. |
cracked | the_2004_christmas_movie_that_had_two_versions_one_straight_one_gay | 2004 straight to DVD Christmas movies, a very cool Christmas, and too cool for Christmas have the exact same story. A teenage girl wants to go skiing with her friends on Christmas instead of spending time with her family. But one version had a same-sex couple as her parents, and the other version had a straight couple. The director of the film, Sam Urban, said that the two movies were created in tandem because back in those days, there was a little bit less open-mindedness to having gay characters, so it was harder to get finance. Making one version for Lifetime, who had the big bucks, and another version for LGBTQ company Here TV was his way of making sure the movie got made. If you watch a movie side-by-side, which you can if you go on Hulu and Prime, you'll see that the movies are virtually identical. Director Sam Urban said he was actually encouraged by producers to switch up some of the dialogue between the mom character and the second dad character. I'm an openly gay director, and they said, why don't you tweak the dialogue for the dads to make it more gay or whatever?
And I said, absolutely not. The whole point would be that there's no difference at all, and it shouldn't matter. |
cracked | sorest_loser_in_the_history_of_fantasy_football | There he is! You're alive after all!
What? No. What?
Wanna go eat lunch? I'm gonna eat lunch. Nothing's wrong.
Did we just break time? Eight and two. Ten? Eighty-two? Twenty-eight. Your record is eight and two.
You're leading our fantasy league. You! The guy who tried to draft a little brother from the blind side. Michael! Only place for that boy! Wait. This is still going on? We literally haven't said a word about fantasy football in like a month. Good. So you've been winning accidentally. That's comforting. What are you? Second. What are you doing? You're writing. Four and six.
You lost. I didn't lose. I'm losing. I don't know how this happened.
I had it all figured out. These hands! They look like big, strong hands. I know.
What do I win? Something? Not yet. The playoffs are next week and it's do or die. You have to play against the worst person in our league who made the playoffs.
Cool! Who's that? Let me be perfectly clear. Whatever we had, it's finished. I'm not putting your lineup in for you. I'm not telling you what defense does. I'm not saving you from your own stupid mists of Avalon jokes on our message board. You are on your own! Fine. I'm glad. I'm... Galahad.
Shut up.
I don't think you understand. You don't get it.
This is all I have. A fantasy athlete like me only has a few seasons. A short window to really make something of himself. I'm not getting any younger. After this, I can have a family and kids and then I'd be ruined. I'm not going to let you ruin the season for me. Fine. I'll just see you next week. I'm the...
Field. He's going to say court. It's field. It's obviously field.
He just told me so. If you need me, I'll be putting my lineup in for next week. Could you send me my password and my login and the link that I need to go to the thing? And I don't know the password for this computer. I'm in as admin. Just ten seconds, you said. Hi, I'm crack.com. I'm Daniel O'Brien.
I'm our party animal. I like the three T's. I like tits, two beers with my friends, and tight. Having tight times with my friends and my beers.
I want you to subscribe to our channel because that would be really tight. And I would like that if you did that. Ten seconds. Could you do it like... |
TheOnion | Season_1_Matt_Forte_Alfred_Morris_and_Antonio_Brown_Get_Nicknames_Brought_to_you_by_Lenovo | Alfred Morris, Matt Forte, Antonio Brown, you're all doing great, but I want to draw attention to this important fact. Every football player plays better with a cool nickname, so I, Brad Blevins, worked really hard and came up with some awesome nicknames for each of you. Sounds good, coach. Matt Forte, you looked real fierce on Monday, so I'm gonna call you Tiger Claw. Oh cool, thanks coach. And you've been electric lately, Antonio Brown, or should I say Kid Lightning? Okay, okay. Alfred Morris, pretty smart of you to rush for all those yards last week. From now on, you're Dr. Football, cooking up yards and points in your laboratory.
Whoa, cool. Anyway, you're welcome guys, you're welcome. Now, what do you got for me?
Well, I spent a lot of time on those nicknames, you know? I'm sure you guys came up with an awesome nickname for me.
Uh, yeah, sure. Of course we did.
We want to call you, uh, Brad. Coach. Coach Brad.
No, no, no, no, come on guys, something flashy and exciting. What about, like, The Big Brain or Captain Einstein? Nah, none of those really stick. Okay, well, think of something that sums up my essence, something that takes all my best qualities and boils them down into like a really awesome and fun nickname.
Brad. Coach Brad. Yeah, Coach Brad.
Think about it, give it some time. I want a nickname by the end of the week. Great game last week, Tiger Claw. Thanks, Dr. Football. |
cracked | dispatches_from_goddamn_space_episode_3_celebrating_a_birthday_at_the_gates_of_death | No, turn the knob. Abram, I have a master's in engineering. What's your fucking point? Point.
Hello, Silverton Elementary School. Hello, Earth. It's good to be talking to all of you again. Now we understand there's a birthday down there today, and we'd just like to say happy birthday on behalf of the entire flight crew here on Typhus to Michael Anderson, age nine. Michael, this is indeed a special day because you share this birthday with my own daughter.
And she's... I haven't seen her in a while. I'm sure she's doing great too.
All of us up here hope that your birthday is out of this world. What am I doing out here?
Your teachers have asked. And good question.
I have a lot to keep me busy in what I like to call my office with a view. I do a lot of different things here, sort of like chores, like chores that you would have. Except, of course, that the survival of my entire team and the preservation of some very expensive equipment depends on the accuracy of their execution. So really not the same at all. But I also have a lot of downtime, sort of like a time out where I just have to sit and think. And I have to do it. You see, friends, in the same way that we don't know a lot about space, there's also a lot that we don't know about our own psychological, physiological, emotional reaction to being out here. So, in the same way that we explore the enormity of space, we also explore the infinity inside of ourselves. And that's why I keep a journal! I have a rocket on mine. You can have whatever you want on yours. But in this, I write down all of my thoughts, and then I submit them for analysis from another, less interesting type of scientist.
It's very cool. And today, I wrote about birthdays. I won't bore you with the details, but mostly what I've said here is just about the passage of time and what that means to me. In fact, this is cool. We age slower up here than you do on Earth. I mean, not noticeably so, but enough. Enough to really make you think about the passage of a single life just flying by down there. Without you. So, happy birthday, Michael! You're growing up faster than you know.
I'm sorry, that was dumb. You know what? Let's do it. Let's just do it for real. And what the hell? Let's do it properly. Well, that's it for today, school-aged children. I hope you had as much fun as I did. Until we see each other again, I am Mission Specialist Marcus. Boldly going. Stay in school, listen to your teachers, and reach for the stars! Hey guys, thanks for watching the video, and with no trace of irony, I beg you to subscribe to the Kratts YouTube channel, and to thumbs up the video and all our other videos! Yeah. |
SaturdayNightLive | quinta_brunson_supports_sarah_sherman_for_her_first_snl_promo | Hi, I'm Quinta Brunson and I will be hosting Snl this week with Lil Yachty and this is Sarah's first promo. You okay, sir? yeah, sorry. I've never done this before. Hi, I'm Quinta Brunson and I will be hosting it. See, that's my line.
Oh, it's all right. you're gonna be okay. She's gonna be okay, right?
Yes, we do. We do.
I'm sorry. Okay, just smile girl. Hi, I'm Quinta Brunson, and I'll be hosting Snl this week with Lil Yachty.
Oh My. God. What?
I just realized I haven't paid my taxes. Oh, it's okay. you still have a couple weeks. No, I just realized I haven't paid my taxes Ever. Damn, you are going to jail.
Hi, I'm Quinta Brunson, and I'll be hosting Snl this week with Lil Yachty. Quinta, it's been so awesome working with you this week. Oh, thanks Sarah. I feel the same way. I love this place. you do? Yeah, so would you give it a day? you know, I'm not a real teacher, right? then why'd you put me into tension? it was acting up. Sorry, I've never done this before. Hi, I'm Quinta Brunson and I will be hosting it. See, that's my line.
Oh, it's all right. you're gonna be okay. She's gonna be okay, right?
Yes, we do. We do.
Just smile girl. Hi, I'm Quinta Brunson, and I'll be hosting Snl this week with Lil Yachty.
Oh My. God. What?
I just realized I haven't paid my taxes. Oh, it's okay. you still have a couple weeks. No, I just realized I haven't paid my taxes ever. Damn, you are going to jail.
Hi, I'm Quinta Brunson, and I'll be hosting Snl this week with lil Yachty. Quinta, it's been so awesome working with you this week!
Oh, thanks Sarah. I feel the same way. I love this place. You do? yeah, so would you give it a day? you know, I'm not a real teacher, right? then why'd you put me into tension? it was acting up. |
dropout | trustworthy_reviews_from_500_assh_les | Finish her. Finish her!
God dammit. I shall not be defeated. Do you guys want to get something to eat? Oh yeah, let's get around here. I don't know. Oh, I'll check that app everyone uses to find restaurants. You know, 500 assholes. And normally I just ignore the opinion that any one asshole posts online, but if it's 500 assholes, I treat it like gospel. Oh, you have to.
A lot of good options in the area. Oh, what about that place The Loft? They got a nice write up in this food blog that I read.
I don't know, 500 assholes only gave it three stars. Oh, bummer. So it got a bunch of three-star reviews? No, it got a bunch of one-star reviews from unreasonably angry assholes and a bunch of five-star reviews from impossibly pretentious assholes, which averages after three stars.
I don't care what any of those reviewers say. Individually, but collectively I trust them completely. We cannot go to that restaurant. I mean, I guess I just trust the opinion of 500 assholes more than I do one expat.
Yeah, me too apparently. Oh, what about that new sushi place? I'd love to try that. Oh yeah, for sure. But maybe I should check the opinion of 500 assholes first? Oh, definitely.
Ooh, it doesn't look good. One-star review because they didn't serve spaghetti at the sushi restaurant. One-star because the reviewer didn't like the waitress's attitude. One-star because the reviewer left his jacket there.
Reviews from 19 year olds who've never eaten sushi before. Reviews from tourists comparing it to things I've never heard of.
Jesus, these assholes are idiots. I don't care what any of them think. Yeah, who are these people? But just to be clear, they all hated the restaurant, right?
Oh yeah. Oh, we can't go there. Yeah.
Oh, what about Pine Tavern? That's a four-star restaurant, according to 500 assholes. What makes it so good? Here's a positive review. I first heard about Pine Tavern from my nephew.
It had been many years until I was given the opportunity to finally try it. It was a crisp spring day when I...
God, it just goes on like this. It doesn't even go into the restaurant from the five paragraphs. So an opinionated narcissist likes this place? A kind of self- important asshole that I would hate to talk to in real life. Yes. I don't care with that asshole, thanks. Do you care what 500 of those assholes think? Yes. I mean, no! Forget what these reviews say.
Well, he is a power user. That means his opinion carries the same weight as 10 shitty opinions. What makes him a power user? Oh, he just never shuts the fuck up.
Oh, well, I guess we have to trust him. Yes, we have to. Hey, what are you guys talking about?
Oh, we're trying to find a place to get dinner. Oh, well, I've eaten at every restaurant in a five-mile radius of the office. I really recommend Bao Palace. It's not too crowded, it's cheap, and it's absolutely delicious.
Well, thanks, Katie. Yeah. Well, shall we just go there then? I mean, it's a glowing recommendation. From a close friend whose opinion we trust and respect... Or maybe we should see what 500 assholes think?
Why didn't they invite me? Hi, it's Katie Marovitch from College Humor. If you want to subscribe, click over here. And for more fun stuff, click over here. And if you want access to College Humor's secret site, make sure you send your Social Security number, your credit card information, and your mother's maiden name in a private message to me. |
dropout | moviepass_ceo_please_don_t_cancel | Hey man, are you okay? MoviePass. We're here to shoot the PSA, but we can go back another time if you need... We're here for the MoviePass CBA. Call me sleeping on the floor a little bit. You know you're pulling along hours, you care about a company, as the CEOs do.
My house is fine. I have my house. I have my house still.
Good morning, America. I'm Jonathan Floor, CEO of MoviePass. The company revolutionizing the way you see movies. Now, you may have heard some rumors and gossip about us going out of business, but the important thing is this. MoviePass is here to stay. It's taken us a couple tries to get it right.
I mean, who knew people would see, truly, so many movies? I only thought they made like 20 movies a year. I way undergassed. They make truly, um, what, like hundreds, right? How many? More, like thousands.
According to our accounting department, we were losing money on every single subscriber. You know, it's okay. Sometimes in business, you gotta lose money to lose money. Make money. Fuck!
Changes have to be made here in MoviePass. They have to. They just have to. And we want to be totally transparent with you about those changes.
I've been emailing you guys conservatively three to ten times a day for the past five weeks, keeping you updated on what's new and exciting in MoviePass. We've kept you informed about doing surcharges, not doing surcharges. Letting you see select movies. Only letting you see movies at select times.
And our research is showing that none of those strategies have worked and you didn't like them all. But that's okay, because if you try hard, and you never give up, and you never stop running, they'll never catch you. Just because something doesn't work, doesn't mean it doesn't work.
In an effort to address these issues, we're unveiling total overall with the MoviePass system. And to be clear, nobody is being kicked off their subscription. We won't even let you cancel your subscription, why would we kick you off? Instead, we're unveiling a few new options that should delight and reward our loyal subscribers.
One sec, guys, sorry. I have to take this. I'm so sorry. Hi, Demetri. I'm getting the money. I'm getting it.
How's Molly? Is she okay? Oh, you put her on the phone. Molly!
Hi, it's Daddy! Hey, it's Daddy!
Are the men alright? They're not...
Good. Sweetie, you can't cancel your subscription. What if we gave people movies to watch in their homes? Like, if we had retail locations? Yeah, it's just... That's Blockbuster. Blockbuster? How's Blockbuster doing? What's their market share? Are they doing good? Oh, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up. How about this?
You want to see a movie? Come to our office? I'll act out the movies for you. With the new Fespian pass, movies come alive in front of you. I just saw Crazy Rich Asians, it was great.
Give me a heads up, give me like... Tell me if you're going to come in like a week in advance and I'll do the whole thing for you. I'll get costumes, I'll get hats. It'll be so fun!
Please don't. Why?
I'll be all the Crazy Rich Asians. With Diamond Movie Pass, you get to fuck me. Jonathan Floor. The hero of Movie Pass, as much as you want, as hard as you want, for two hours.
It doesn't have to be two hours. You can go longer if you want, we can do it. Just... Oh, and you also can see Mission Impossible, the original one. Not the new one, we couldn't make that happen. How about this?
Okay, what about a Movie Pass where it's pay as you go, it's like a la carte, right? It's between $8, $20, depending on where you live, what theater you're going to, the location, and you would just buy individual Movie Passes from the theater ahead of the show. Yeah, I feel like that's...
Don't. Just don't.
I'm hanging by it's end, and over it's bottom, if I drop, I never hit the bottom, do you get it? I was going to say it's a good idea. Okay.
Do you want to buy... Do you want to buy Movie Pass? With the new Junior Mints Movie Pass, see, any movie you want, as long as you buy all the Junior Mints at the theater.
I know that's a lot of Junior Mints, right? But here's the thing, if you don't like Junior Mints, that's fine, throw it out. They're yours to do with what you will.
Dimitri says hello. Oh, no, no, no, guys, listen, wait, you're not being reasonable. I'm going to get the money. Wait, wait, wait, wait! Do you guys want to buy Movie Pass? No! Listen! Hey! Okay, new Movie Pass! Rescue me, and you can see any movie you want! Hey, guys, it's Brennan from College Humor. Click here to subscribe, click here for more fun stuff, and please keep watching, because if you stop watching, I start to vanish. Get it? I'm not really real, I'm just a thing on your screen. Don't forget me! |
CrackerMilk | crackermilk_videos_that_get_me_through_the_day | And then I said, where's my sandwich?
HAHAHAHA You're such a Joey. And you're such a Chandler. HAHAHAHA You're such a Ross. HAHA I'm not Ross. Mate, you're Ross. I'm not Ross.
Skateboard huh? I used to skate back in the day. I was pretty gnarly too. HAHAHAHA And you're actually so good at skateboarding. You think I'm gnarly now?
Hey man, you're a terrible driver. Hey screw you man, I'm trying to get us where we need to be. I just don't feel safe when you drive. Yeah, you're not a great driver.
Hey you shut up man, no one asked for your opinion. Yeah you're right, sorry.
Bet you he's got a big dick. Yeah. Somebody help me please! Hey. I can't sleep. I'll see you soon. Hey big boy. Thank you. Oh it's Connor!
Oh you look sad. What's wrong little guy? Oh boys I'm just really upset.
Our best vids got removed off the platforms being inappropriate. You're a mango. Yeah. At least YouTube's fair and reasonable.
Unless it's Naked Yoga. Oh Naked Yoga? What's that mate?
It's porn that YouTube fucking allows. This platform doesn't support us at all, but you can. This content is made entirely possible by you. Our patrons are the reason that we are actually able to still put stuff on YouTube right now.
Isn't that right Elias? Deep breath in. And out. Man yoga is so educational. Faster! Here, throw those out. But these here are dad's shoes.
Cast it into the trash! Destroy it!
No. I'm new to the server. Can we keep the bad language down? I'm only 16. Hey kitten!
And that's my deepest secret. Promise me you won't tell a soul. I promise.
And then Elias said that he has so many butt fleas that he doesn't even have to wipe. Because when he wipes, the butt fleas just eat it all up.
Alright guys let's go for a take. And camera rolling. And action. You guys are making a movie.
Oh! I'm your biggest fan! Prove it mate. Okay. Dad!
What? There's a monster under my bed. Oh?
Nice board dude!
Thanks. Do you guys want to hear a dad joke? You're gonna love it. I shit you not.
What the fuck dude? Oh my god! I got rope in! It's alive! Get it out of me! What the fuck is happening? God! Oh god!
You gotta help me! I can't! I'm all tied up! And to get hot I got a lot of hairy legs.
That turn.
Ugh! It's my ex. I hate running into him.
Do you like sauce? What? Do you like sauce? Yeah? Well let me give you... Sauce! Stop what you're doing and give me the code!
It's too late. All the nukes in the world have already launched. It's a shame you won't be alive to see it.
Mate it's... It's stage four. It's terminal. Greetings! Wait! Oh what's the matter mate? Oh you got spaghetti legs don't ya?
Ah come on push through it! Come on mate push through it! Push through it mate!
Can't let you in boys. I told you this club was exclusive. Get out of here. Oh come on can you let us in? It just looks like such a good club.
Go to him! Go to him Scoob! No no Scooby! Go to him! No! Go to him! He go he!
Woah it's Connor! He's going to check out all the content that's been stolen from us. Oh look at that one! Oh he's got one in there! Oh look at that one! Look at all those views we don't get!
They didn't give us credit on any of them! None of them!
That's true! Oh look at this one! This one really fucked me!
Well what do we do? Support us on Patreon! We could finally be able to do this full time!
Connor look out behind you! Look out!
Oh! |
dropout | roommate_confessions_the_hypocrite | My roommate is my best friend, but he's also a huge hypocrite. He loves telling girls how healthy he eats. No pork, no beef, no butter, just tons of vitamins and working out. But guess what? He doesn't do any of those things. He never pays for food, and when he does, he only buys a frozen pizza and eats the whole thing himself. And if he happens to have leftovers, he makes sure to tell me that they're off limits. Now I cook all the time, so I have to go grocery shopping all the time, and he eats everything I buy. He likes to go downstairs in the middle of the night and plow through all my leftovers. Doesn't matter what it is, he eats it all.
I eventually got fed up, so I bought a mini fridge for my room. Now I take half the leftovers and keep them in my fridge. Then I take the other half, mix in flavorless weight gainer powder, and leave that in the kitchen. I don't put in a small amount of that powder either, I'm talking cups and cups of it. I even buy food that I don't want to eat, but I know he's gonna scarf it down, so I add some weight gainer to it and leave it in the fridge.
So far he's gained about 15, 20 pounds, and it's all in his gut. It's gotten so bad that he won't even take his shirt off at the beach. Even this girl he had sex with said he kept his shirt on the whole time. And for further proof, I've taken a picture of him with my phone every day since I started this. I've been putting together a little collage. I plan on surprising him when he hits the 50 pound mark. Revenge is sweet. |
cracked | worst_police_sketch_artist_ever | Good afternoon. Hi.
So we're gonna do our best to try and find the person that did this to you, Mr. Crandall. Oh my god, you know who did it? Oh no, no, no, that's, I'm Mr. Crandall, that's my name. No offense, sir, but I've got a lot of police sketches to draw today and I'm more interested in catching the criminals than I am hearing about your life story. So it says here that you were murdered.
Okay. Anyway, let's get started with the sketch. Right. Yes, exactly. Okay. Well, you know, it just went so fast, you know. Speed lines, sir.
No, I'm just saying, you know, my memory's a little vague. That's really hard for me to represent pictorially, okay. No, I was just, you don't have to draw that. So it was actually a woman, but she had an eye patch. Oh, a dog. No, a Scottish accent. You know what, again, these things very hard for me to draw. One, you said those things, not me, but, uh, no, she was constantly finishing your sentences. Oh, I love that. It's like a sentence alley you, you know, really saves you the hassle, but I don't know how this is going to help us find your murder. I've been through some trauma tonight and I could use, she says, I'm not allowed to do those anymore, but for you, she's uptight, right? I mean, just because none of my sketches have ever helped us find a criminal and she's the chief of police. She thinks she's better than me. Oh no, no, no, no, don't worry, though. We are gonna catch your God.
It was a woman with a gun. No, a woman with a gun that's mugged me. A woman with a gun mugged you?
Yes. Okay, so she was, her hair was kind of like, what are you even drawing? And done. What did you even draw?
Is this the person that mugged you, sir? It looks like that person. Yeah, when I saw this, I almost flinched because I thought someone was going to murder me again.
Awesome. I did it. Tina, get your bad ass out of here. Who won't the republic is safe? I'm so high. Come on, let's go. Keep moving. Come on. Here's your wallet, sir.
Hey, I hear that Dan O'Brien's been doing impressions of us and they're kind of mean and funny. So I'm going to do my own of him. Hey, I'm Dan O'Brien and I'm a very talented writer for thecracked.com and I'm a very dear friend to people I work with. Uh, maybe sometimes I hurt their feelings with, you know, subscribe. Dan! |
dropout | This_Missing_Person_Is_Too_Embarrassing | Is there any word about Katie? I'm afraid she's still missing. Where is she? We do have more information now though, and we'd like you two to update her friends and family for their search efforts.
Yeah, we'll do anything. Of course. Great.
We have a photo of what she was wearing the last time she was seen. Oh! Okay. This is Am Airplane. And this is the back of it? Yeah, the thistle. It's a penis with testicles. We can see that. It appears as if the penis has its own birthday cake and is celebrating its 25th birthday, judging by the number of candles. Uh, okay.
And this is the last thing that Katie was wearing. She didn't have like a hoodie covering it or... Big sack. No, that's impossible. It's not sack or hoodie weather. She was wearing a t-shirt.
We'll just have to make sure everyone knows to look for that. We also found some photos on Instagram from where we believe is the location she went missing.
Okay. And we are going to want you to get the word out about that. We have witnesses that reported seeing her at this kissing booth at least 10 times that day. Okay. Oh wow. So, um... So I'm going to send you these photos for you to share, all right? Maybe put them up around the office. Do you have any information that's like a little more, uh, normal? Yes.
What a great question because it just might be a little bit awkward to relay all this information to her parents and her husband and literally anybody. Hey, listen up! Do you want to find your friend or not?
Yes. Yeah, we do. Of course.
I wouldn't say she's my friend. We really are co-workers, sort of.
At best. Then I suggest that you write down every little thing that I say. Alright, now, the last text message that she sent from her phone was to someone named Smoking Hot Cousin. Oh, come on!
The message was a voice recording of her saying, That was a good poop. I could eat up your little poops with a fork and knife. Mama's good dog makes all the best poops. Smells so poopy and fresh. Third poop of the day. What a good boy.
Okay, please stop. We get it. Seems like she was talking to her dog and accidentally left that voice message. I mean, that's like the best case scenario, right? She also has a very unique tattoo. Oh, Christ. Spanning the length of her back. Here is the design. Okay. Katie did it herself. Okay. Yeah, that's pretty obvious. What you need to do is you need to tell everyone about this tattoo. It is a key identification mark.
So hold on. I have to take this. So why don't you two get started by calling her parents. Here is the number. Ah, well, not in. You're my boss. I'll take it.
Fine.
Thank you. Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Marovitch. No, we haven't found Katie, but we do have some more information that we thought we would share with you. You know what? Actually, Rake is really good at explaining this. Go after them. Hi.
We found out that Katie was last seen at a pepperoni festival, wearing a novelty shirt with a 25-year-old penis and a birthday cake.
No, I swear to you, this is not a prank. This is not.
They hung up. That makes sense. That was the lead detective. Katie's body has been found.
I'm very sorry. She snuck into a pepperoni factory after hours and choked to death trying to eat a plastic pepperoni display. I'm very sorry again, and the force thanks you for your efforts.
Okay. So, does that mean that we don't have to tell people about this stuff? The investigation's over. Oh. What a relief. Oh my God.
I don't want to touch it. Why was there plastic pepperoni in a pepperoni factory?
It begs the question, maybe that person deserves to die. I don't know. I'm not God, but does such a person deserve to live?
Yeah. Oh.
Sign up for your free trial today. Okay, I'm all done. I want my mom now. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Scotty_s_Getaway_Sagas_Labor_s_Election_Campaign_Vaccine_Scepticism_More_September_10 | You're listening to the Batutah Advocate's Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocate Weekly Bulletin. You're joined today as usual by myself Clancy Overell, editor of the Batutah Advocate. Errol Park, editor-at-large is also here, how are you Errol?
Good mate, I've just gotten off the PayPal actually. I was buying a few of the vaccine passports that we're going to have to get, you know, to travel around the country in the coming months. I was actually, I managed to buy some for some Ethereum on the dark web, I got a tip off a mate and we went on there and I bought a bunch of vaccine passports for, you know, a few of my mates down at the Lads Society. A couple of my hiking mates, you know, we'd be here up in the bush and we'd go hiking. It sounds pretty fucking illegal what you're doing there Errol and you probably want to steer clear of that kind of stuff, considering you actually have conceded yourself and gotten your vaccines. I don't know why you'd be, I guess, a major identity fraud.
That's just what I've told all the listeners. Okay well let's move on, how are you going Wendell? Yeah pretty good thanks Clancy, finals football has arrived so as a comfortable middle class Australian citizen it's good to distract me from the current situation, how are you travelling Clancy? Yeah I'm alright mate, you know, Queensland the show goes on, feelings for you lot listening in that are down south, going on 11 weeks now down there in the harbour city in the stake and kidney, things must be bloody grim but, you know, keep your head up, sorry that Brisbane Suncorp had to take your NRL grand final from you but it'll be a much better show there anyway and a much better party for the boys afterwards when they can go to whatever pub they want. What's up first in the news this week Wendell? Well we will start off with the biggest story of the week and we broke a report about that one asking how does this bloke still think he can get away with secret little holidays?
Yes it's a revelation that's left the nation shaking its head at our leaders once again. With many people expecting some of the gaffs coming out of the Women's Safety Summit to be the biggest stories early in the week, Scotty from marketing actually blew everyone away by confirming that he had decided to take an ill-advised trip across the New South Wales border out of Canberra to Sydney and back home after spending the weekend with his family, a luxury that was not afforded to over 15 million Australians. Yes Clancy with the bloke in chief, you know, he was missing his family like millions of other Australians around the country, you know, but Scotty decided to book himself a special RAAF jet to take him up to Sydney and out of the epicentre of the Sydney Sneeze. Of course this comes off the back of his most recent trip to Cornwall which was apparently for some sort of summit that he wasn't invited to which actually ended up being just a little chance for him to visit the pubs of his ancestral home I believe and of course Australians do not forget the famous Hawaii escape in the middle of the bushfires.
Yeah it's these constant little holidays that he thinks he can get away with, which he can't, it really has people asking how does he keep pulling this shit? Well Clancy you do know that he is a lifelong public servant and if you spend that long in the public service you get used to perks and perks are there to be abused. So I guess, you know, if there is a moral to this story it means that every public servant in Australia should have their perks stripped away from them. Well it has to happen sooner or later because it looks like this wasn't the only trip he made interstate. No the answer to that question about how long he is going to keep doing it seems to be until someone stops him because a short time after that we broke an exclusive about Scotty which was fuck he's done it again.
Scotty gets special exemption for sunset camel ride at Cable Beach. Yes barely 24 hours after his back and forth across the closed ACT New South Wales border Broom media outlets have revealed that Scotty was actually working tirelessly to keep the good times rolling. Somehow he found a way into Western Australia and popped into the Kimberley region to enjoy himself a nice little sunset camel ride. Yes it was something that Supreme Leader Mark McGowan is not happy about at all. It was confirmed by a couple of blokes drinking export cans on a bonnet of a station wagon that Scotty had decided to pull a few strings and enjoy a little soiree out of Canberra. It never ends with these blokes, we were lucky we could confirm that story with those blokes that were I guess you'd say plane spotting at the back of the Broom Airport. Looks like they were having a good time too.
On the other side of the centre of the political spectrum Labor has begun its election campaign by parachuting a rich American into the most economically disadvantaged electorate in Australia. Yes Wendell it's a move that has certainly frustrated a lot of the tireless political diehards who thought things were starting to change on the inside of the Workers Party. The powers that be though in the Labor Party have decided to kick off their election tilt in Fowler, a pretty diverse electorate too, by dropping in a rich American who lives on Sydney's affluent Northern Beaches. Yes it's a sign that Labor is very much connected to its working class roots. Former New South Wales Premier Christina Keneally has been brought in to win the unique seat in Western Sydney. Sporting a Gucci hat and a bar and me sandwich, Keneally told us that she's excited to represent the people of Fowler who she looks forward to meeting over the next couple of months and she's very, very excited to give them one of their own to vote for.
A true immigrant. A success story Clancy. The flower in the concrete that was a first class flight from Boston here in 1998.
Back home in the confines of Queensland now and the AstraZeneca is too risky says a Brisbane man who rides those electric death trap share scooters around Southbank for a laugh after 10 schooners at the Fox. At least that sounds like a fun way to go, better than feeling a sharp pain pounding up your legs and up your torso before you keel over. Well you're nearly out of your 42 day window there Errol, so just hold on, steady on. Anyway this bloke we spoke down to in the River City says he's not having a bar at the AstraZeneca. Like plenty of others in Queensland, West End resident Damien Chester says he's not in any rush to get his jab because COVID doesn't exist up there as far as he can see. So the same man who goes flying around the Brown Snake after a skin full of piss says until not having it affects his way of life he's staying away from the AZ because he just doesn't trust it and it's dangerous according to all the news he's been reading and the politicians he's been listening to. Well maybe when he catches it Clancy we can you know hope that the people down there in Brisbane have any sense and just push him into the river. He'd go the same way as those share scooters who seem to be parked increasingly underneath the William Jolly Bridge.
Piling up, now let's finish up with a bit of a lighter warm hearted story to round out the week. A man down in Sydney has confirmed that he's just popping over to a mates place to check on him with a carton of piss and two fresh decks. Yeah a lovely human story from down there in Sydney, a couple of blokes from Petuda who are currently living down there have reached out to share details about the nice little arrangement they've got going on. With restrictions still pretty tough, one of the local men explained that he's linked up with his mate as his single bubble buddy. And he's heading over there with a case of brain varnish, couple of green demons and a couple decks of lung lollies. And he said to us and I quote, if the cops knock on the door and demand answers I'm sure Tim and I will be pissed enough to kiss in front of the policeman to show them that we are intimate with one another. We are modern men you see, always down for a good time.
And what a lovely way to wrap up this week's weekly bulletin. Yeah indeed all this chat about schooners has me itching to get out of the booth so we will leave it there and we'll be back to talk to you guys again soon. See ya bye bye. Who wrote? |
dropout | housemates_of_horror | This is the horrifying story of seven killers, madmen, and deviant freaks. To live, or in some cases function as a cybernetic being inside an organic living skin cover together in a house. To find out what happens when people stop being polite. As if anyone here was ever polite to me. And enter into a new age. Oh and thousand year reign of terror and malice. This is horror house. I should not be here.
Today was eventful. Started out with a nice relaxing breakfast.
It's just I can't help but feel like you're all gonna laugh at me. No one's going to laugh at you. They might. But you know how you could stop them? Hang yourself.
From the highest window in the house. Do it, Carrie! For Damien! Lovely. Thanks, buddy.
This conversation's as weird as this bacon. That's not bacon. Then there was a bit of a tussle between T-100 and Leatherface. Okay, what's this all about?
He keeps stealing my skin lotion and using it on his stupid face. It's not even his skin. Okay, dude, why do you need lotion?
You're a robot. Excuse me? Robot? I'm a cyborg living tissue of a metal endoskeleton.
And you are a bigot. And he is a lotion thief. Alright, everyone's just cool. You think he'd be less sensitive.
Oh, there you go, buddy. And then we had a house meeting about the whole peeping predator thing. Again. Should we wait to start until we're all here? Oh, the creature you referred to as predator is here. I'm picking up a heat signature. Hello, sir. Great. Why don't we jump right in?
It's been brought up that the whole turning invisible and watching people silently thing is pretty inappropriate. Especially when done in the bedroom and shower areas. It's very creepy. And that's coming from him. So, it's pretty high on the creepy bar.
Thanks. Sure. I'm so tired of everybody talking about me behind my back. I just wish we could all be nice and civil to one another. It's a really nice sentiment. There's no reason why we can't all be friends. Come on. I get why they're here.
They're murderers and monsters. I'm just a horror movie fan. The best way to hang out with these guys is watching them on Blu-ray.
But this, this is horrible. And I'm just saying this because they can't hear me right now. These guys are real jerks. Come on! |
dropout | camp_harry_and_madge | All right, all right, everybody settle down. Calm down, everybody sit down. Marcus, tone it down, man. Come on, jeez.
You're louder than my wife when she's upstairs cheating on me. All right, well, you guys have been good all week long. So, I hired some special people to perform for you today. Boys and girls, put your hands together for Northern California's very own sing-along husband and wife duo, Harry and Mads. Yeah, those were the guys. Hi, how y'all doing? I'm Harry. This is my wife, Madge. We're Harry and Madge.
How's camp going so far? I said, how's camp going so far?
Sure is a hell of a lot better than sleeping in a crack den, giving out handies, because you need a hit so bad you can feel your booms squeak. Before I met my wife, she taught me peace, truth, and understanding. I was accustomed to sleeping face down a ditch about 40 needles in my arm. If any of y'all ever been so high, you ain't shit in two weeks, you know what I'm talking about.
Okay, this is a great, but how about some songs, right? Yay, songs, right? This first song is called Midnight Astral Plane, Honesty Believers. And a one, two, three, four. We can't hear you. You got a beautiful voice, don't you?
Madge and I were in a pretty horrible skydiving accident up in New Paltz a few years back. Madge broke her back, all her front teeth, split her lip, cracked her cranium, broke her wrist, crushed all her toes, and smashed her patellas. Not to mention literally shattered her pelvic bone, leaving her insatiably horny.
Ages, probably. Okay, you know, hey, that was something, right? Something, really something. Sleep with us. What? No. Aren't you see, sleeping with my wife is the only way you'll get the power to get over the man sleeping with yours. Okay, that's it for a single long time, guys. Go do an activity. Some crafts, something, ride a canoe or something. Well, we gotta wait till the kids are gone. You should pull your dress up. |
cracked | the_biggest_problem_with_high_school_according_to_movies | Guys, that's what we're doing. Good boy, man.
Stop with this. Hey, sit down. That's not cool. You know what's cool? Crafting polynomial functions. Sit down. Hey, miss, we need to stand up.
You're here to find your bag. You choose your bag?
What are you talking about? Wait, wait, wait. What is the meaning of this?
Okay, we're undercover police. I'm Officer Hanson. This is Officer Penhall.
Yeah. We'll be out of here in a second, Prof. First, we have to take these two to detention. Don't touch her. Do you have an ID or something? No. Sit down.
We'll part of an undercover unit that infiltrates schools. What's this? Insight information on the football team. What do you mean, information? You have to understand.
I'm not a student either. I'm a reporter. I enrolled to write an expose on student life, but I'd been here for weeks and had nothing to show for it. Then I met Tyler. He uncovered that several students on the football team were using steroids.
Good job. Looks like she saved us a lot of work. We lucked out, partner.
So what about you, Tyler, huh? Why write out the jocks? Hey, when I found out those kids were juicing, I had to say something. Kids? Oh, don't tell me. Yeah, I don't really go here either. Tyler.
I was an all-American college football player. I got drafted to the NFL, but I blew out my knee first day of practice. Found out through an extremely suspect loophole that I can play one more year of high school football if I posed as a student.
I'm sorry, Reggie, but it don't look like the team is going to be going to nationals this year. Okay, so who's Reggie?
I am. You don't have to apologize to me, Ty. I'm only here because my dad won't let me take over the family business unless I pass this class. I was just playing football for the Poon, man. Poon, Reggie, go to the office. Hold on. There's no chance anybody else happens to be posing as a high school student, right? Okay.
Who are you, Platt? I'm just a girl posing as a boy in order to get close to the guy that she has a crush on. Gross. And you? I'm an undercover black man who's posing as a white man who's posing as a black man.
I think. I don't know. I lost track a few weeks ago. This is a fat suit. I'm a highly intelligent dog. A gypsy curse switching my daughter's body with mine. Stop, stop, stop, stop. Please.
God, is anybody actually a high school student? What about you, in the back? Oh, don't worry about me. I'm just having a nightmare that I'm back in high school naked. No, dude. You are just a naked guy at school.
Get out of the way. Watch his balls. He's got him. Woohoo! Let us go.
Hi. I'm Cracked.com. Thanks for watching my video. I think you should subscribe to this channel because we're both sensitive. We're both thought-provoking. We're both looking for a casual thing. I want you inside me. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_148_The_Rubens | We've been interviewing a lot of different people as the year kind of begins. We had Father John Owen from Wayside Chapel, Tana Douglas, the world's first female roadie. So this isn't actually that much of a change of pace from King's. What do you think about it? I mean everyone that we've interviewed in the last few weeks started their career in King's Cross and we're going to keep it that way.
Today's guests, they did the same. The Rubens.
Sam and Elliot, thank you for joining us. Thank you very much for having us. Thank you for having us.
Now I was going to introduce you as Western Sydney's favourite musical export but things have changed since the last time we spoke and you aren't Samoan drill rappers. Oh who's that then?
Uh, 1-4. Yeah that's fair enough.
Would it be fair to say you boys are from the horse riding part of Western Sydney? I don't know where that is. I think, isn't the horse riding part like where all the McMansions are out in the hills somewhere? I thought it was more Camden, James Dadesco kind of country. Yeah I mean, I've never ridden a horse.
I know there's a nice airport out there. Where you can learn to fly. Oh Camden Airport's the best airport ever.
I don't know why they'd want to replace that. How are things guys?
You've been recording out in Camden in a World War 2 bunker. Is that real? It's a real thing man, it was a communications bunker in the war. I don't know how much communicating it did but it was there and it's sick. It's like a legitimate semi-submerged, enormous concrete structure.
Not perfect for a studio, yeah it's mad. So what makes it perfect for a studio like acoustics or something else? Terrible acoustics. So yeah, it's not perfect in that respect but it's perfect because it is a space that we're allowed to make music in. But yeah, pretty much in every other way it's really bad.
If you imagine like a beer can cut in half and then placed on the ground, that would be the shape of it. So it's just very echoey. But that's the new sound you're going for, right? Yeah, echoey is in, echoey is back baby.
Never last, never last. Now, new album, O2O2, is there any kind of cryptic terminology that we're seeing in this name?
It's very cryptic, it's 2020 backwards. Oh, okay. Sorry to blow your minds blue in the morning. We wanted to acknowledge the year that was, you know, and not just, you know, just leave it because it was so fucking weird. And so we just wanted 2020 backwards as the year that was fucked up and upside down.
So what was it like for you, I hate to use the word unprecedented, but it was a year that was unprecedented in what it did to not only us, but all people around the world. What did it look like for you? Just the same as most of us, I think we just didn't know what to do with ourselves.
We tried to keep busy doing live streaming shit. And I mean, we wrote this album. It was bad timing, really, because we wrote the album before COVID and we'd almost finished when it all hit. So we had like two songs left to go. So then we finished the album as it was all sort of kicking off and then had nothing to do for the rest of the year.
So it was interesting. I built a deck at my house. Yeah. It stands to this day. So you, I mean, it could have been more unlucky that you had finished the album and dropped it in February 2020. That could have been worse. Yes, actually.
And also, to be honest with you, I'm glad we wrote an album and wrote the lyrics to that album and everything before COVID, because I think it would be a really shitty thing to have to try and make music during that. Like if that was your album cycle and you had to write an album last year, it would, I don't know, man. It's just like, do people want you to write about what's going on?
Do they not? I don't think they do.
I'm interested to see what music comes out this year from the people that wrote it last year.
Yeah. It's terrible. There's not much escapism in that. You just spent a year locked down and now your favorite bands just dropped an album about being locked down. I mean, it's. Yeah.
And then you've got all those bands up in Queensland who, you know, can't really complain about much, you know, it was just that year when they couldn't go to Melbourne or all those people over in Perth, you know, it's just like, oh, you know, I guess. I was over in Perth for a bit of COVID, because my wife's family is from there and I spent a few months there. And people that I talked to there were like, it's like the media had made out like the East was, it was like living in America and it was just every, there was cases everywhere.
And I was like, no, it's fine. We're going to the pub. Like it's all alright. And they were like, really?
Queensland's the same. They don't realize it. And WA is the same as Queensland is. They don't want to realize it.
It's like, we're so content.
Not many of us are stuck on the other side of the border. Some are, but not many.
So suck shit to them. We're going to lock it down and keep going to play bingo.
But you know, you must have got lucky getting over there when you did, because it has been pretty difficult to get to Perth. And I guess they've had to kind of just rely on their own music scene as has Queensland. Queensland's basically got one band that shepherd.
So they've had a few shows. Yeah. I'm pretty sure the pond, the pond and tame boys were really keeping it going there. Pond and Tame and Parlour were doing, we're doing pub gigs just to get everyone through in WA. I think that's, it's been a while since they've been doing that.
What does 2021 look like? Does it look like you're going to be able to get a few shows in these festivals? Are they coming back?
We don't know anything about Splendour yet, but you know, I don't know. I'm going to give a crack. Yeah, I think if it's not Splendour and stuff, I think there's going to be a few independent things that pop up here and there. I think those giant ones, I don't know if they can pull that off. And I mean, I'm pretty sure Tyler the Creator isn't going to be flying into the country this year. We'll see. But for four hours. A bit risky. But yeah, I don't know. I hope so.
Like we're playing shows like we've got our tours still going. Like we might have to like adapt on the fly, you know, if borders close and stuff, but like we're going to be putting on this next tour if it has to be seated and we have to do two shows instead of one, that's what we'll do.
Like that's, that's, that's the plan really. But yeah, man, I don't know. Like from, from the, my talks with people within the industry and the booking, booking, booking agents and all that, it seems like they're pretty excited for the back half of this year. Yeah. I think, I think the idea is, you know, they'll do, you'll have you on your, on your phone, you'll have the app that shows you you've had the vaccination. And if you want to go into the gig, you have to prove that at the door and then everyone in there will be vaccinated. And I guess that's one way through for now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you just do need to have a touch and go kind of template to, you know, like similar to what rugby league has done.
Like, Oh, if there's a hiccup in this city, we're going to delay it. You know, it's, it's going to delay it by five days, but it's going to happen.
And like you people give a shit. And all the fans are still at rugby when it actually does happen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, like they can complain.
It's like you didn't have anything else on in five days. So just go to the gig then. So where are you all at?
I mean, Sam, you're a family man now. Yeah. As the band followed you into that, into that world, or have you got like, had you had a few bachelors that are kind of, you know, had a different 2020 to you? Well, it was Scotty, our drummer, he's, he's having expecting a baby about now, right now. And Elliot, you're a bachelor, brah. Right. Bachelor brah. Yeah, right. It's not like a huge difference on tour between like the, the family man and the bachelors. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not that the family men are being like the bachelors, but more than the bachelors are sensible. They're just like us. Right, right. Like us family men. Okay. Yeah, gotcha.
But you know, it would have been, I guess at what point were you guys going back to the bunker last year? Like, you know, cause that's a bit of sanity. After that six week mandatory nationwide lockdown, we had to eventually come back to the Battuta Avogad newsroom because everyone was going a bit mad at home. Sorry, Melbourne. You didn't get that luxury of being able to decide when to go back to work.
But, but thank you for your service. Brave soldiers. Yeah, I know. They did it for us. You guys have done very well with, with, with regional touring as well.
What do you think that is? That we do it. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, I, I don't know if our music seems to cross over a little bit and people out, out here, we're in Tamworth right now, like it.
But I think it's honestly just that we make the effort to come and we love it. Like it's not, it's not like we're doing, it's not a charity. Like this is the shit that we love to do. Like it's fun, man. Like we get in the van with our mates and we're in the van for four or five hours a day, but we stop at the most remote pub we can find and have lunch and have some beers. And it's just like, it's, it's an awesome holiday. And it's like, you know how everyone since COVID's been like going out to like, you know, remote regional places, like it's just like the new thing. Domestic tourism.
Yeah.
Domestic tourism is sort of going inland and just, you know, exploring. That's what we do on tour. We've been going for years and it's, and it's, and it's sick. So, um, I just think that people, people are just psyched that you've made the effort to come.
And like last night, you know, in Tamworth, like they were so like, they went off, they were seated. It was in a huge, huge Tamworth town hall kind of thing. And it was only 300 people seated, but like, it was just like the biggest vibe.
That's probably because, you know, it shows back in COVID and blah, blah, blah. But yeah, I don't know. I just feel like there's a, there's a, there's an appreciation there that you don't get when you're in a major city.
Do you guys ever dabble with a little bit of like, uh, you know, maybe play to the crowd you're in Tamworth, you might throw in a Troy Cassaday cover or something like that? I couldn't, I'm sorry everyone, but I couldn't harm the song. Well, I see that you're off to Dubbo tonight, so you might be able to do a Thirsty Merc cover because I know that the drummer from Thirsty Mercs from Dubbo. So all those people in Dubbo would really appreciate that.
I reckon. And I know you boys have been itching for that opportunity too. Yeah. Yeah, come on, give it to us.
Bit of Bondi rescue. I want to know whether they, um, you know, continual kind of payment for the, the, um, the Bondi rescue thing.
Every summer is a brand new Porsche and it isn't that it's, it's here and they make the big bucks in England because it's fucking huge in England, that show. So it gets absolutely pumped there and they get paid in pounds back here.
So it's times two. So, yeah, I mean that's, and they've said that's what they did. They've admitted that they wrote a song with all of the commercial checkpoints to get themselves into the position they're in now.
So you could buy the Thirsty Merc. Like a V12 flying down the highway. Gurgling up that 98 octane.
I mean going to Dubbo tonight, you guys are gonna have to dip your hands in, in some cement and then dip it into some broken glass. It gets a bit rough in some of these towns. How does that, um, how does that go for you? You could go to the Amaru tonight in Dubbo afterwards and do the karaoke there. Oh, it's a pub there in Dubbo.
Oh, karaoke. That's our album release date too and karaoke on that. That would be, we could go and do our album back from start to finish.
Yeah. Really love ourselves. Yeah.
I'd hate it.
Um, but yeah, I guess it's, it's, it's, I mean, it's not that rough. Like our fans are real, like good. I mean, there's, there's punch-ons in the crowd sometimes, but not really in this kind of crowd. I think because of the shows we're doing, it deters the shoey people. I'm not going to go and sit in it, you know, in, you know, Tamworth Memorial town hall and do a shoey and not be allowed to stand up. It's just like, it's a bit more wholesome and there's, there's kids in the audience. It's all ages. So I think like these COVID kind of gigs keeps us pretty safe.
Isn't that disgraceful that our, that we have people who will hand their puffy DC sneaker full of mid-strength beer to like an international artist and ask them to drink out of it. Like, Hey, Frank Ocean, drink this.
Or in the Formula One, how Daniel Ricciardo is like, like, here you go, man, from Germany is very clean cut and very serious. Have a beer out of your shoe and he's like, no. There couldn't be more of a stark contrast between that and the Formula One drive, a traditional Formula One drive. Yeah, it's not very Monaco, is it?
Now, what was the sound of this album prior to lockdown? Obviously you said it was, a lot of it was, was written and kind of done before this historical event that changed the course of history. What were you guys thinking of and listening to and inspired by as you kind of came into this O2O2?
We weren't listening. Like we were just talking about it earlier and I, we weren't listening to music almost at all at the time. Like this time when we went into writing mode, it was just making demos, trying to make them sound sick and listening to podcasts. Yeah. I don't know. We didn't plan on it, but we both realized that that's what we'd been doing. So maybe we weren't influenced so much on this one as we had been on past records. I know that looking back, I know that we were definitely bigger fans of things back on, say our second record. And you can hear that in the music, like whatever we're listening to at the time. But yeah, we weren't really listening to music. So yeah.
I think as well when you're in the studio working on music and that's the job you're doing all day, when you get home, you just don't want to listen to music anymore because you'll be thinking about the snare sound or you'd be thinking about, I don't know, just producing this ourselves. So like it took up a lot more about brain space, trying to like, we weren't going to fuck it up, you know? Whereas like when you have producers, you can just write a demo, bring it in and they're going to run the show. It's still going to play the instruments and stuff, but you know that it's going to get there because that's their job to produce from start to finish.
But we had that on ourselves. So like there's a bit more stress there, but actually it wasn't really stressful. It's fucking mad. It was mad once we figured out that we could do it. Yeah. I think it was a risk at first. And then like we did the first track and we realized that people really responded to it. And so they were like, all right, we can do back ourselves. And why did you decide to do that?
Well, it wasn't really a decision we made at any point really. We were writing and there was no real deadline. We just released the album before and we had a bunch of demos and we just wanted to release a song just to sort of tide fans over between records and give ourselves a bit of breathing space and go and work on the album. That song was live in life. And we went into the bunker. And because it was a song that we weren't like, it wasn't like we were going to make a huge effort to promote. It was just going to be a song, record ourselves and check it out. We didn't get a producer involved and we just did it ourselves. And that song, without us really expecting it, is probably going to be our most streamed song ever. So it landed and then we're like, oh shit, like we did that ourselves. Maybe we can do that. And then we didn't decide at that point that we're going to produce the whole album ourselves. We just went in, you know, when we had a couple of days off too, we just go in and choose a demo and just make it because we have the studio there and Will's there and he's engineering it and we're just like, it's just fun. So we kind of just found ourselves a few songs deep realising that this is the album, this is how it's going. You know, it was a nice way to do it. I don't think we would have necessarily decided at the start, like, hey, we're going to produce this whole album ourselves. I think that would have been daunting, but yeah. It just kind of happened that way.
Yeah. How typical is it in Australian music for a band to produce their own album? I think it's becoming more and more common. I think the fact that people can, you have so much technology just on your laptop. You don't have to be in a big expensive studio, like some kid in his bedroom in high school can make something and then get on the radio. Yeah. I think like, yeah, people are becoming more and more open to the fact that like good music doesn't have to happen in some big commercial space. It can just happen in your bedroom, on your laptop, which I think is cool. It's more accessible to everyone. Yeah. I give massive props to like a band on their first or second record who self-produced because like it's hard and like, I think we're only able to do it now because we've worked with big producers on three records previously and we've learned from them. But yeah, it's crazy if you can go out and do it on like, just be a self-produced sort of internal like machine. That's fucking mental. Not to talk, you know, the finances of your industry, but that would be a better thing for you guys too, if you'd produced it and then it becomes your most streamed song ever. Yeah.
I mean, if you're not giving points away left, right and center, it's like, that's a good thing too. I mean, like that's not why we did it for financial reasons, but I mean, yeah, I mean, it would, it saved us money. Like last time we brought out two dudes from America and we put them up and we spent months in the bunker in Camden and it was fucking sick and I would, no regrets there. We had a great time and we got a good result. But yeah, obviously it's cheaper to do it yourself, way cheaper.
And how does it feel now, you know, 10 years in the game to just get a song through that just, you know, as you said, most streamed song you've ever done kind of comes through the gates 10 years in. Oh man, yeah. And when I think about it like that, it's crazy. Because after like, you know, Hoops, Hottest 100, it's kind of like, what do we do now? Like, are we going to get that feeling? And we'll never have that feeling again. But just the fact, just looking at stats like that, where we just released a song that we didn't even think was that good and it's going to surpass Hoops, I think probably.
Yeah, it's a really, really nice feeling. And yeah, I think like last year being off, it's like, I'm sure for all artists it's the same, but it's given us a huge appreciation for all the little things in our career. Just how much fun we have and how good our jobs are. And I honestly feel like rejuvenated. I don't know if I got jaded or just tired, and I didn't know it at the time, but I think like taking a year off, I just feel like it's our first tour and it's our first album. And like, it just makes me feel like we've got another 10 years and it's easy, you know?
Why is it do you think that bands can last so long nowadays? I mean, when you look at when you guys made Hottest 100, 2016, and you look at when you guys started, that timeline was probably as long as the Beatles were ever together. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like the Beatles are such an institution, but they were only together eight years, you know, from start to very bitter finish. That was pretty good though. Yeah. I mean, they had a few good songs.
I don't know. I have no idea why bands stick around.
It feels like there was an era maybe of artists around when we came out and they all seemed to be killing it. And I feel like there's a lot of triple J listeners that love that era and are sort of sticking with it. And like, you know, it was Flume, it was Chet Faker, Tame Impala. And there's a lot of, I just feel like we were part of a really lucky era of music where we're not lucky because we're the poorest artists of all time. But it would have been great to be 20 years ago.
But yeah, I don't know. I think people are holding on to that era of the triple J, you know? Yeah. Well, it could be why, you know, the Beatles only had to do eight years because there's a lot more money in vinyl than I guess there is in streaming. In title.
Yeah, they were probably smart in that they just did it and got out. Made the money and got the heart out of it. Do you think you guys, but do you think there is a level of professionality nowadays too that even like Chisel did in that era? That era certainly didn't fucking behave, you know? Well, you didn't have to back then because of how much money everyone had, you know? You just do what you wanted. Whereas now, if you're not going to be professional, it's going to be really, really hard to continue being a band.
Do you reckon that's the main reason? Do you reckon that's the main reason everyone's got to keep working?
Yeah, well, even like I look at our era compared to the kids now, and the kids now have their heads screwed on even more than we did. They're like, you talk to these young artists and they're completely across all the technical side of things, all the planning, all the, like, they run their businesses and they know everything that's going on. It's like, I think you have to survive. And it's like these, like, hungry, crazy kids. And a lot of them are going independent or doing something crazy from the very start and not signing, you know, almost like, they're almost kind of doing, you know, the hip-hop thing where it's just like, maybe they'll let someone help them distribute, but other than that, it's just we kind of hold the keys to the kingdom as well, which sounds like a lot for a 20-year-old to be thinking about.
Yeah, and it's not rock and roll, is it? No. It's not why we do it, you know, but it just seems like a lot of people have to, you know, if they're going to get through and make a living.
I mean, there's also, you could just bask for a while and then hope that whoever the manager of Tones and Iron, the other one picks you up. G flip. G flip, you know, like, that's a real thing as well. Some people are just basking and then making millions.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, look, it's, you know, as we just kind of, as we kind of just touched on, you guys, ten years in, you've just dropped one of your biggest songs ever. That could happen again in ten years. I mean, you've bleached your hair, but that's about as erratic as things are, I think, like, you're not... You're not going to try and do a solo Michael Hutchins thing where you, you know, where you turn into Nick Cave, but it's, it looks like the Rubens are here to stay, so we look forward to... Sorry, the only thing I was going to say is, like, I like that, I like the fact that we could be ten years down, like, from here and still, the way the music industry is now, you could release a song if it's a fucking banger.
No one's going to care who you are, what you look like.
It's going to, it's huge, you know, and I love that, as a songwriter, there's that in our future, you know, and it could happen any time, you know. You could write a great, great song at 40 years old and win a Grammy if it's a great song, and that's sick.
There's no flavour of the month, there's no timeline, like, there's no iron is hot, really, anymore, for musicians.
No, not so much, no. Because if you look at, like, Violent Soho could have been around ten years before you guys, really. They were, they were. I think they were around, like, fucking before the Olympics.
Mansfield's heaven.
But that's the same thing, like, they're going to, you know, their next album. Fuck, not too far off, 2004. Yeah, their next album is going to be, there's going to be kids that discover them on their next album. There'll be 19-year-old fans. Yeah, yeah. It's crazy when you think about that as well, like, say someone who's old enough to come to an over-18 show now and just discovered us, they would have been eight years old when our first record came out. So it's like, it is, you're constantly trying to, like, reach these people who are just sort of getting over listening to Taylor Swift on Over or something, wanting to find something new, and we can still be that band. It's crazy. Well, personally, I look forward to the K-pop-influenced Rubens album, which will be coming out in 2023. One for the kids.
Now, boys, we're going to let you go, but what song should we finish with here? What would you like us to put out through the Two Gravigate Radio show? We're going to have to speak to your management, but we... If the good people at Ivy League will let us, then... Well, I don't know. We're meant to be, like, promoting, like, a single, or going to say, hey, we like this song from the record. Do whatever you want.
Okay, thank you. Oh, yeah, let's put it on thank you. Okay. Thank you. That was... This is produced by E-Margin, I-Margin, S-Margin, and Zeglas, and... Yeah. Nice. Let's let it rip. Thanks for joining us, gents.
And Baldwin. I am Baldwin. I saw Baldwin there, too. Scott Baldwin.
He'll be listening to this, man. You've got to get him in. He loves you, guys. Well, thanks, boys. We'll have to catch you at one of your gigs when you come out to the Diamantina Shire. Hell yeah. My nephew's band is looking, you know, for a few gigs. Maybe he can open for you.
Ivan and the Mulats. Oh. Petuta's favourite. What?
That was a bit rough, actually. These boys aren't too far from there.
Thank you for listening to the Petuta Advocate Radio show. We've just been speaking to the Rubens, and we're going to leave you with the first single of their new album.
It's titled Masterpiece. It's called Masterpiece. Masterpiece, Masterpiece Chewing on Valium The jet is taking off I can feel the rods spinning It's a killer disease, killer disease Just say it would hurt too much So I boil it down, bottle it up And drink it like a remedy No good for me And now that I'm on the run No one got it wrong We'll yell along You ain't just a masterpiece Masterpiece There's a place I could not let you in Now there's a lot to tell you So listen I was keeping you out Cause I've been hurt before Becoming a coward And I hate myself more I'm not proud Come back now I had to run Now that I'm on the run Think I got it wrong Really all along You were just a masterpiece Masterpiece Chewing on Valium The jet is taking off I can feel the rods spinning It's a killer disease, killer disease Just say it would hurt too much So I boil it down, bottle it up And drink it like a remedy No good for me And now that I'm on the run No one got it wrong Really all along You were just a masterpiece Masterpiece So with or without me Still felt you were drowning With so many options You picked the worst time in We don't talk about it Don't talk about anything My love didn't stop When I cut it all off And I cut it all off And began to run But now that I'm on the run Think I got it wrong Really all along You were just a masterpiece Masterpiece Chewing on Valium The jet is taking off I can feel the rods spinning It's a killer disease, killer disease Just say it would hurt too much So I boil it down, bottle it up And drink it like a remedy No good for me Now that I'm on the run No one got it wrong Really all along You were just a masterpiece Masterpiece These links Think I got it wrong Really all along You were just a masterpiece Masterpiece Disease Killer disease Just say it would hurt too much Think I got it wrong Really all along You were just a masterpiece Masterpiece There's a place I could not let you in Now there's a lot to tell you so listen I was keeping you out Cause I've been hurt before Becoming a coward And I hate myself more I'm not proud Come back now I had to run Think I got it wrong Really all along You were just a masterpiece Masterpiece Chewing on Valium The jet is taking off I can feel the rocks spreading It's a killer disease Killer disease Just say it would hurt too much So I boil it down, bottle it up And drink it like a remedy No good for me Now that I'm on the run No one got it wrong Really all along You were just a masterpiece Masterpiece So with or without me Still felt you were drowning With so many options You picked the worst time in We don't talk about it Don't talk about anything My love didn't stop when I cut it all off and I'm too blind But now that I'm on the run Think I got it wrong Really all along You were just a masterpiece Masterpiece Chewing on Valium The jet is taking off I can feel the rocks spreading It's a killer disease Killer disease Just say it would hurt too much So I boil it down, bottle it up And drink it like a remedy No good for me Now that I'm on the run No one got it wrong Really all along You were just a masterpiece Masterpiece |
TheOnion | Deer_Deer_Are_Fine_Horrifying_Planet_Ep_8 | The deer, a completely typical and mediocre animal found all over the world. Whether wandering into a yard or drinking from some stream or something, deer are fine. As far as animals go, deer seem to meet all the requirements.
They eat plants. They exist in groups sometimes. They have faces.
If one were to need to think of an animal, a deer would be a fine example. From an evolutionary perspective, there is certainly nothing wrong with deer. Deer are native to pretty much everywhere, so there's that too. In North America, you're never more than a hundred feet from a deer. The Sambar deer from Bangalore looks a little different than other deer, but is still clearly a deer. This is a different deer from another different place. Here we see a female deer nursing her young. Lots of other animals do this, so not exactly breaking the mould here, but it's fine. The male deer is a kind with antlers. The deer with antlers do what you would expect them to do with antlers for the most part.
No surprises here. Being disappointed would be your own fault.
Deer are one of the few animals that feel comfortable around human structures. When approached, however, they always run away. Any other reaction would be expecting a lot from a deer. Elk, a close relative to deer, have more ornate antlers which, compared to the mediocre deer, come off as trying too hard.
And the red heart beast? Scale it back, buddy. We're just going to end up dead like the rest of us on our horrifying planet. I think we need to eat those frogs.
Let's go to the situation with the sex house. The cats are all dogs. Shut down the sex house. It's okay Tara, eat the frog. It's the sexy thing to do. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | WEEKLY_BULLETIN_The_Stanley_Cup_Generation_Will_Never_Understand_Going_To_School_With_A_Cordial_ | Back end of January. How's everyone going? Pretty good. Yeah. Enjoying it. Some kind of other job opportunities with the resignation of Scott Morrison this week. Just concerned about whether there'll be enough workload moving forward, so just kind of keeping that in the back of my mind, seeing if there's anything else there, but going pretty well.
Well, you would be. You would be. I mean, you have an inability to criticise the left, so you'd be looking for a new job now with Scott Morrison.
Yeah, well exactly. And now Scott's gone. I know. It would have been five, six, seven hundred articles I would have written over the last couple of years about him. I know.
What sort of jobs are you looking into?
Well, the Batutah Bugle, which is the Murdoch masthead here in town, they potentially will have an opening, so I'm thinking maybe I'll just go lean into that alt-right thing, get a bit Caleb Bond-y, and just start taking hot takes on my own generation and pretend like these tax cut changes are actually not beneficial to the majority of the nation. You know, you don't have to change jobs to do that. You could just do that for the Batutah Advocate. We've requested many times that you'd be a little bit more balanced, and you've just continued to bash the Liberal Party out of your millennial spite, I guess.
Yeah, okay. Look, just let me see what I can do. I'll try and do something that maybe attacks the Labour government, but it's just whether I can do it in the confines of this, obviously. Anyway. No, it's not us, mate. It's all on you. What about you Effie? Yeah, yeah. I'm good. You know, looking forward to the long weekend.
Did you end up getting that Jacob Elordie... The bathwater candle? Yeah. No, I'm still waiting for it, because I imagine that there's been a lot of orders, so you know, it's said it's a few weeks away yet. What's this? For people who aren't aware? Oh, so there's after the movie Saltburn, if for our audience, if you haven't seen it yet, there is a bathtub scene. You probably don't watch the movie with your mum like I did, but they now sell candles that are supposed to be a scent that is replicating what happened in that scene. Yeah. Basically old mate shaves his carrot in the tub. Yeah, and what the candle replicates that scent, or...
People want that water. The bathwater, yeah. The bathwater's quite a popular thing.
I think it's mostly on the socials and woo girls, but yeah, that's... Oh, that's exciting. I'm glad you've got a little piece of history there. Yeah, might keep it on my desk, so yeah. Do you guys want to win?
Anything depraved from you this week Clancy? No, nothing quite as depraved as that.
Yeah, basically getting prepared to go on the ground tomorrow and do what I do on every January 26, which is go opal fossicking. Yeah, it's just a tradition we have in my family. It celebrates my family's arrival to Australia on a wayward vessel from the Dutch East Indies in 1912, I believe it was. We arrived in January 26. We found our fortunes in the desert, which obviously you lot, while you don't realize this, are beneficiaries of my family arriving here. We made a lot of money in the desert through mostly opals and goats and also kangaroo hide, which we were selling to the Russians until Tony Abbott threatened to shirt front Putin. And that tap got turned off, but yeah, basically that's what my family do. Every January 26, we celebrate our direct arrival.
Yeah, that's great. And I just want to say I am thankful. My dad becoming mates with you was the best thing that ever happened in terms of my career. So I'm very grateful. Well, you should really, you know, I mean, yeah, thank you. Thank you.
But it wasn't me. It wasn't my father who promised me this job when I was a young man.
Shall we get into the news wrap? Well, what's in the news this week?
Well, we'll kick off with the biggest story of the week, and it's been revealed that the Stanley Cup generation will never understand going to school with a cordial bottle full of frozen water wrapped in a tea towel with a rubber band. Yes, it doesn't seem like a week can go by without some shots fired in the Generation Wars. This week, the shot was fired by one of our columnists, Harvey Thomas, one of our resident boomers who attacked the younger generation for not knowing what it's like to deal with real world problems. Yes, it's caused quite a stir online after the conservative columnist named Harvey asked whether we can expect kids these days to face proper issues if they can't go a day without perfectly cold water in their insulated water bottle 24 hours a day. Of course, plenty of people came out to defend the Stanley Cup kids, saying that the use of the expensive insulated bottles is stopping tonnes of plastic from going back into landfill and waterways.
Yeah, I don't think I really care about this issue, but people on the internet do. People on the internet love to just care about any particular issue. Any issue, really.
I'm more of a Yeti man myself, but we'll move on to some political news. Yeah, speaking of news that didn't make it to the internet or the headlines this week, what have we got here, Wendell Hussey? We've got quite a long headlines, I'm just going to have a run at it.
Nation now understanding why Scott Morrison didn't fuck off sooner after his 18 month lobbying ban ends just in time for him to take a highly paid consulting job with a defence company that benefited directly from the AUKUS submarine deal, which cost Australians $400 billion in taxpayer money and left us humiliated by Macron on the world stage. Citizens of the nation of Australia have been given a little bit of clarity around why former Prime Minister Scott Morrison decided to hang around Parliament for an extra 18 months after being booted from the top job. Traditionally most former Prime Ministers bow out of Parliament after being knocked off the throne, given their inability to shrink their ego and deal with the relevancy deficiency syndrome that comes with a demotion to the back seats of Parliament House. But that wasn't the case for Scott Morrison, with much confusion as to what the hell he was doing hanging around, he was just waiting 18 months on the back bench taking a taxpayer salary while waiting for his 18 month post ministerial position lobbying ban to end. Before he could take a job with a defence company that in no way benefited from the $400 billion Scott signed off when he was Prime Minister.
He timed it pretty well there because he had the Christmas break right at the end. So he could have gone just before Christmas, but obviously not much goes on for politicians for that break. So he 18 month finish December, gets the Chrissy break, chills out, comes back, not too much happens and then you can jump off to those number of defence companies actually. So it's worked out pretty well and he won't even need to leave Australia.
Queensland news now Effie? Yes, and the Bureau of Meteorology says you know it's a bad cyclone when it's got a tuckshot mum name. Yes, after Cyclone Kirily developed off the coast this week, Premier Stephen Miles said that it's critical that everyone in the warning zone was prepared as the weather event tracks towards our coast and that was because the Bureau of Meteorology explained that any cyclone with a tuckshot mum name is not a cyclone you want to fuck around with. Yes, as a spokesperson for the Bureau of Meteorology explained to us, he said, we found that weather systems that have names that sound like a fiery mum on footy training drop off are going to be the ones that cause the most chaos. Tracy, Debbie, Yazzie, obviously Yazzie's a bit more of a millennial tuckshot mum name but you get the idea, she was just as rough as the rest.
Yeah, I would not be mucking around with a Yazzie I don't think. Finishing up with a story close to your heart now Effie Bateman?
Yes, and Oscar awards face backlash for not nominating a $145 million Mattel advertisement in every single category. Yes, while Margot Robbie was nominated as a producer for the Barbie movie in the best picture category and the director Greta Gerwig received a nomination for best adapted screenplay, the fact that this film has not been nominated in every single category has outraged a global army of girl bosses who are now furious that the majority of awards won't go to feminist trailblazers. Yes, the Becky feminist outrage over the Academy's decision to not take part in a complete Barbie supremacy has also minimised the fact that Lily Gladstone has made Oscars history as the first Native American nominated for best actress.
However, there is some positive news to come out of the nominations. Films made in the United Kingdom are now apparently considered foreign, which is quite exciting. Very humorous. Yeah, a lot of comments on that article actually. The Stanley cut was the biggest one but this one seemed to have quite a few comments. Yeah, I would not have expected that. Lucky I stand by our writers, particularly, you know, Ingrid Dalton, she might be blowing a bit of smoke now and people call her a turf, but I think she made some valid points here.
Yeah. Anyway. Sometimes people just don't like hearing things that don't fit their agenda, I guess. Yeah.
Don't say anything about Anthony Albanese.
That seems to be the memo around here when I'm not around anyway, thank you for joining us this week. See you later. Bye bye. Hooroo. Hooray. |
dropout | how_to_tie_a_tie_a_beginner_s_guide | Welcome. You've clicked on this video because you don't know how to tie a tie and WikiHow has too many words in it. You're either a 13 year old boy on the way to his bar mitzvah or a 20 something man child who frankly should know better. Probably the latter. You disgust me. Let's get started. Begin by popping the collar on your dress shirt. I shouldn't have to tell you that but you are an infant so I did. Place the tie around your neck tag side down you child then adjust the wide end until it's about a foot below the narrow end. A foot is 12 inches or this long. I'm just going to hold that there for a moment. I know you're just standing there like a fucking idiot trying to compare lengths. Your father is ashamed of you. Good. Now let's go ahead and tie our tie. Step one place the wide end over the narrow end.
Step two do it again because you fucked up. Step three do it not like an idiot this time. Your dad probably should have taught this to you by now.
Is he like not in the picture? I could see why he would leave. He seemed like kind of an idiot but I guess maybe that's why you struggle because you don't have like a father figure.
Congratulations. You've tied a tie. Your suit's still half a size too big and you look like a child playing in his step daddy's clothes but you tie the tie.
Please remember to bookmark this video because I'm sure you haven't learned shit and you'll need to watch it again the next time you're invited to a formal event which might be I don't know never. I wouldn't invite you to my shit. You're pretty dumb.
Thanks for watching I guess. Wow. Thank you so much for watching that video. If you liked it please click me to subscribe. I've got a ton of other great tutorials for people like you. How to drink water, how to tie your shoes, how to stand up under the weight of your own ignorance. |
dropout | inside_fdr_s_oval_office_in_360 | What in the... Move it, Eleanor.
Calm down. Good Lord, calm down, all right? Now remember, there's nothing to fear, but fear itself.
That's great. That's... I feel better already. Very reassuring. Thank you, sir.
You're, like, amazing. Eleanor, dear, I'm cold. Oh, I'll take you to the fireplace, my dear. Anything for family. You are the best cousin-wife a president could ever have. Oh, you flatter me.
Are you paralyzed? What? Of course not.
This is just my super cool FDR chair, see? That checks out. All right. Now let's everybody sit down and we'll have a nice chat by this fireplace. All right.
Our economy's fucked. And I'm going to fix it through a complicated series of government programs and public works. New deal? New deal.
All right. Banking Act. Bam. So security. Bam. Let's get rid of that nonsense gold standard. Bam. Let's hire people to build pretty post offices. Bam. Pay farmers not to farm. That way prices go up, and that's good, because economics. Bam.
Now, could we please do something about that world war today? You Jewish? No. We're neutral, remember? Yeah, yeah. Well, could we at least sell weapons to our buds on the side?
Great news, sir. The economy has improved, and you've been elected to a second term. Well, that's great, huh?
How about we talk about more New Deal stuff? It's my favorite topic. Well, maybe about unions and unemployment.
Oh, that reminds me, we should probably build up our military a bit. Off to Hawaii.
Then can we deal with civil rights? Civil what now? Civil rights. Darling. Civil rights.
I really... Oh, look, it's Albert Einstein. What are you doing here? Mr. President, I simply want to suggest that we build an atomic bomb before the Germans do. Wow. What a horrible suggestion.
But hey, we call you Albert Einstein for some reason. Because it's my name.
You've been elected for a third term. FYI, that's a thing. Oh, oh, I'm sorry that happened to you.
Can we go to war now? Yes, Mr. President, we can go to war.
Great. But not you. You're going on a camping trip. What? You can't do this. Oh, yes, I can.
Thanks to John Adams' Aliens Edition Act. Or did you forget about that? Motherfucker. That's right. Whew. What a shameful episode in our nation's history.
But in better news, unemployment's at a record low and the depression is over. My new deal worked.
And war. Can we always have war? Don't say that idea out loud. Also, Franklin, you just won a fourth term even though you're obviously dying. Oh, dear sweet Eleanor. Just as long as I make it through this world war, we'll be just fine.
I wish your driving would be better. I'm sorry. Oh, come on.
Isn't this over yet? Judy Hitler is no match for frozen nightmare wasteland that is Russia. You'll be done in a sec. Victory is ours.
I can taste it. Oh, no. I can smell it.
Oh, no. I'm dead. Oh, I'm dead too.
All right. What did I miss? I'm assuming the war is almost over.
I really want to finish it. I will never surrender.
Although historians are split on whether this was really his stance or something we just made up to feel better. Feel better about what?
What are those? Oh, only a horror you cannot imagine. Okay. Yep. Where are you going? Wait. No, no. I shouldn't, but I'm gonna. I think one's enough. Oh, boy. Shit. Christ.
I surrender.
Booyah. Pretty cool bombs you got there. Oh, no. Thanks a lot, Einstein. Oops. |
dropout | what_happens_when_you_become_an_aunt | McCartney and Lennon are the Carlos Santana and Rob Thomas of their generation. I couldn't agree more.
Guys, my sister-in-law just had her baby. Oh, congratulations.
I guess that means you're an ant now. Oh, yeah, I guess it does. I'm an ant. That's weird. I don't feel like it.
What's happening? She's... She's becoming an ant!
Aah! Is that blood? No! She just had a little too much red wine. Let me tell you about the time your mother got arrested. Aah!
She used to be quirky. Now she's kooky.
I take who posh this mug. It's five o'clock somewhere. Aah! She's so lustful for 30-year-old hunks. This door is handsome. If I was younger, you know. Don't tell your uncle. Aah!
Yet she's so religious. Thank you, Father, for that which we are about to receive. Amen.
Aah! Oh, no, she's sharing radio station memes on Facebook. These guys are so cute. Oh, I've always wanted thin mint. Aah! She's the nicest person I know, but she loves war.
If they want to fight, we'll give them a fight. Our boys will smoke them out of their huts.
These colors don't run. Aah! Oh, no, she's collecting angels. Look at his little butt. You look like this once. Aah! She's taking group exercise classes at the Y! I feel like Shakira. Oh, my hips don't lie. Aah!
She's getting overly emotional at a family get-together. You know, at the end of the day, this is what matters. You know, family.
Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm not going to ruin another memorial day.
Aah! Oh, I'm getting a text. Oh. It's my niece's first day of school. Aww. Wait a minute.
That means you're getting a Sebring. Uncle Zach's taking you to Hooters.
Aah! I won't tell your mother. I'm the cool one. Aah!
Shakira, Shakira. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_lsu_s_angel_reese_on_her_white_house_invitation_snl | There was controversy this week when Lsu Women's basketball star Angel Reese refused an invitation to the White House to celebrate her team's national championship, but now she has decided to go. So here the comment is: Angel Reese. the Louisiana Stand-up. Well, Angel, you had quite a week. Yeah, I got people big, man. First day was mad because I was taunting, but all I did was this.: you would have thought I pulled my nipple out and flicked it on national Tv. I said they were mad because I didn't want to go to the White House, but hey, they invited Iowa too.
But they lost. exactly. In the history of sports, when you lose, you take your ass home. But then white girls lose, and suddenly, it's all. teams matter.
Well, I'm glad you changed your mind. that'll be pretty cool. Yeah, it'll be cool. for them, I'm a big deal now, Che. since college players get endorsements now, I'm about to cash in, and my brand works for anything. how did it sound, Che? degree deodorant. Y'all stay. it seems aggressive. Okay, okay, okay. how about this one? Gardenos. Man, get your little ass out my face. that's a commercial for Gardenos? Yeah. it's the money, right? Now, here's my favorite,: big-ass eyelashes, empowering Women Ballers. It's nothing left against them since 1972. Well, Angel, I'm glad that you're enjoying the moment. Hell, yeah, I am.
Look, last week, women's sports was boring. Now, all y'all talking about is women's sports all this week. Why? women is balling right now.
Man, I dropped 15 on Iowa. I went hard in the paint. I grabbed about 10 boards without even messing up my eyelashes. the only thing I regret is not getting more buckets. I could have picked that ball up, bounced it off old girl's head like I was in an and one tour, but you know, I was already in foul trouble, so your girl had to chill. And now, I'm just sitting back getting all this Baby Gap money. Why are you endorsed by Baby Gap? Because all these bitches is my son. Angel Reese, everybody. you can't see me. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | INTERVIEW_Willie_Mason_And_Justin_Horo_with_the_2024_NRL_season_predictions_updates_and_gossip | Welcome back to what I hope is now an annual episode of the Betoota Talks. We've done it before with these boys and we're doing it again. We've got Willie Mason and Justin Horro in the house. Thank you for joining us, guys.
It took us a while to get it going, isn't it? Three or four weeks. It's been brewing for a minute, but we're here. You've got to let it go, like, four weeks, I reckon.
Well, yeah, I'm just looking at the round now. Just have a look at how things are going if we're talking regularly. Two titans of independent media, really, you know. Busy things, all sorts of stuff going on. I know, and we wanted to get a good look at the NRL season before we started gossiping about it. You're joined here from the Betoota end by myself, Clancy, and we've got Wendell here, who's absolutely pulling himself to the Renaissance of the West Tigers.
It's a very, very strange feeling that I have, and I know it's completely unfounded and it's optimistic, but I haven't had this sense of optimism for a long time. I made the mistake of telling people yesterday, I genuinely feel for the first time in a long time that we could maybe play a game of football.
I'm not saying you can't. Oh, a hundred percent. We just talked about it then. I was like, they look fucking all right.
They do.
But they're also the West Tigers. But then you think about like that, when you really break down the eight, it's like, yeah, you can pick about six, right? That's probably genuinely going to make sense. And then all the rest, it's like, good luck. Just try and jag a couple of wins here and there. And like, you know, they're all going to be in the same book as it, like the Bulldogs, the Titans and all the sort of lower sort of teams. They'll be fighting, they'll get better every single year. Tigers have got a, they've got a decent side. They do. And as you said, jagging wins there.
We're recording on a Tuesday after the Monday game. We have dragons and dolphins, two very gettable games before. Next two.
They're the ones that you go, are they consistent enough to be week in, week out, or do we just dish it up every, one every four games, right? It's hard. And you know, it's hard to get like a Galvin kid who's like on, an 18 year old kid to be on every game, the week in, week out. It's good for four rounds, six, ten, you get that. It's just like, yeah, you got to go through the origin period. And it's like, it's a fucking marathon, not a sprint. But they're going to miss those two games too.
Yeah, he is. Yeah.
But the game against Parra was a good sign because normally that's a letdown spot. We had one good win, so we'll drop the next one because we're filling ourselves. And it's the first time since 2020 that the tigers have more wins than losses on the table.
Two and one. And a nice little boy too. I'm feeling good. We're going to buy that six points.
And that doesn't really count because any stats from 2020 was like when the world was ending. Yeah, we didn't know what was going to happen next week.
So yes, I'm feeling good. That's when the tigers get going. When the horsemen of the apocalypse. Boys, I what's going on? Congratulations to all your successes, by the way.
You've become a well judging by some of the dummy spits I've seen in the newspapers. You've actually become quite visible in the world of NRL punditry. I know a lot of people that are tuning in to get the oil and listen to you guys like oracles. Did you ever see that happening with levels? Did you ever see you becoming authorities?
Well firstly, thank you to you guys for hosting us. For people that don't know, we film out of here at Diamond Tennis Studios and you guys have been great for us from day one. Like you said, let's hopefully we'll make this annual because we're here every year doing this.
But I'm trying to sound a little bit humble without being too far into ourselves. We always knew that we had a product. Biggest thing for me with podcast is do the two host or does a person have chemistry? And I think me and Mace mesh well together. We have two different perspectives and it works really well. Everyone knows who Mace is. Not many people would have known who I was as much as Mace, unless you were a diehard. Not many people would have known you guys did that year together.
Yes. Two years. Where was that?
Mainly in the Catalans.
Mace's last two and it almost was my middle period but it sort of ended me as well.
No, it is about chemistry. It's about chemistry.
I've known Hoz for like 15 years. And we've always had this like ongoing, like we could just talk about shit, right?
Same page sort of mentality. We might have different views but it pretty much ends up on the same sort of page, right? Or we can disagree. Yeah, disagree. It's not a big deal. You just have a different perspective. I have a different perspective but it's not, we're not sitting there arguing like it's Stephen A and fucking Max Kellerman. Do you know what I mean? It's not an argumentative show. We're pretty much around the same ballpark, you know what I mean? And if you disagree, you break it down, which is what I like. Yeah. It's like, why do you disagree? It barely happens.
It's like, well, this is what I think. It's what you think. Okay, well, let's find common ground there. And I think that's where punters love it, right? Because you're going to have, you're going to sit around a pub and have two or three different perspectives, right? You're not going to have 10. You're really going to, and you'll find your common ground. I think that's what happens. With Queenslanders, they say you get four around the table and eight opinions. That's about right.
I want to talk about football now. Seems like early, early in this season, we're seeing a lot of injuries. I feel like when I, what I'm about to say next is something that you guys might have planted in my mind as a seed last season. Are the boys playing too many games? No, I don't think so. I think it just happens with the game. You could break, you could go through every single year and go to round four and go, fuck, there's some injuries.
It's just because whatever they've been putting in the telegraph or whatever the narrative they're trying to go at, you just know. You know about it now. If they didn't report on it, you wouldn't know.
You'd just think, oh, he's missed a couple here, missed a couple there. But it's what happens to the big players. The ACL. So when the stars go missing, it's like, oh, damn, because you want the stars in the game. You know, the Reece Walsh's, you want to see him every week. You want to see the big dogs every week. So when they're not on your TV, they start talking about it. But there's injuries every single week. It just depends on who it happens to. And when you lose four, those big four in one week.
And then you go, oh, is we're playing too many games? No, you're not. But how many games would have you played? So once you'd kind of established, you'd won a premiership, you were now like an established player. I'm not going to ask you, Justin, because you kind of came a bit. You came when all the exhibitions had kind of kicked off, you know, the All-Stars and that kind of stuff. So Willie, when you were playing, how many matches would you play a season? Like, what were you paid to play for? 24 games. 24 games? Plus your origins, plus your tests, everything like that. So that was mostly my peak. And you're always playing five, so that's another three games.
I think there was a couple of years there when me and the great Anthony Minicello in 2004, we played something like 40 games each. But I think he played 42 and I played 40, because I might have missed two during the year for suspension or something like that. And he played 80 minutes of every game, right? And I'm sitting there, I'm playing perhaps 60 a game, you know what I mean? It's obviously different positions, but the amount of running he had on his back, I had on his legs and back, that's why he ended up with a back problem in 2006. He played in 2000, 2006.
We both pretty much fell off nearly at the same time. Like with injury, like a major injury, right? You nearly need a major injury to reset everything, right? And that's why you put your hands together for guys like Cam Smith. You're like, not a major injury, and play for 18, 19 years to play at the peak the whole time. It's like, no one will ever do what he's done. People sort of fall off, you know? Your peak is like about six or seven years, and then you sort of plateau out and then you just sort of play just normal stuff for the NRL, you know? But you need an injury every now and again. But to say there's too many injuries, no, there's not. You get injured, it's just been...
One thing people forget is Jonathan Thurston played all but 20 minutes of every minute of the eight in a row. It was 20 minutes he sat out for when they thought he'd...
That's when he nearly broke his leg out of the socket and he just walked off. They had to pull him off.
Cam Smith would have played every minute, wouldn't he? Or did he miss any games there? I think he missed a couple of games.
That's what JT has held in such high rate. 36 games. Cam started in 2003. So he was at the back... And JT didn't start until 2006. And then once they started winning, JT came in, I believe, right at the start when they started dominating, right? 2006, when they came in. Cam was like, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, whatever. But yeah, JT came in in the 2006 series when they beat us down in Melbourne. And then didn't stop every minute.
And you know, I want to explain to people how hard it is to even play Origin, right? But to be able to be fit for Origin, you've got to get through a 10, 11 games of NRL. And even back then, you had to get through an ANZAC test, the pre-season, everything to be fit for this six-week little fucking break, not break, six-week little thing that we have over whatever, and you've got to be fit for that as well. And then dominate through the games, play for your state on Wednesday, back up on the Friday, and then go through that whole thing again. Rinse and repeat.
For how many years did he do that? 10 to 12 years? Far out. I think I have Origin specifically. I don't know, 12, 13 years.
And not miss a game. Not miss a game.
That's what I'm saying.
He is so lucky. I'm not saying he's never gotten injured. He's been injured in the right time. He's done ops at the end of the year, toughest bastards that ever played the game. The amount of ankle and shoulder injuries that he just carries into games, and just gets through. And then he'll go, I'll get the op at the end of the year, when he should be getting an op straight away.
I just haven't seen, since your guys' vintage, a stayer like that. Are you seeing one in front of you now? With the kids? No, no. I thought Munster was going to be like that, and he seemed to miss a couple of games here and there. It sort of catches up to you when you're in your 20s, 28, 29.
Cherry Evans is a stayer. He's the one that stands out. I can't remember the last time he's had a significant injury. Nothing crazy crazy. He's on 308 games. I reckon he's got a couple more seasons. He'll get the 350. And that's because he's been healthy. Especially someone like DCE.
There's so much neck that they could catch. Hard to get through your 20s. Hard to get through your 20s without a major ACL, a shoulder reco, or just something that'll set you right back. JT's had about three shoulder reconstructions. I'm trying to think of the big boys.
Isaiah, I feel like he hasn't missed many games. No, he hasn't. He's probably the Iron Man of every game. He's 80 minutes too, and he's in the middle. So you think in the last five or six years, they've been on their run for five years now. I don't think he's missed that many minutes. I can't remember him missing hardly any games. Maybe one or two games here and there.
And I suppose because he's a Dubbo boy and he's a bit more quiet. Country tough. You can forget that he's been out there every minute when they're doing the Mountie Bop on the wing. He's standing in the middle. He's got three or four kids, doesn't he?
I had an interview with Talon May throughout the week, and apparently he's not allowed to touch the boom box. They refused to let him touch the music. He's heavy metal. No, not Talon. Talon was saying Isaiah. He's not allowed to touch the boom box because he's heavy metal. Not really the same kind of boy. Talon said he didn't even know who the artists were, but he goes, nah.
Because I assume he's maybe a Morgan Whalen country. I thought he was country for sure, not heavy metal. He's a townie though. He's got the big DC skate shoes on and he's down playing heavy metal.
Yeah, I'd say he's probably the Iron Man. Man, Iron Man.
Speaking of boom boxes, can I ask Willy, at the Bulldogs there, it seems like every day I see a clip of Creighton or Addo Carr just having a great time with a boom box, flicking lights on and off, dancing around. Is Critter like that all the time? Yeah, he is. I just see his energy, what he gives to the boys. I can just only imagine what he was like at Penrith.
With winning every year, every game. Most games you're probably dropping three or four a year.
And just the vibe that would be created out at Penrith, I'm just trying to think. He's created a vibe at Canterbury. And it's like, we're not winning, we don't have that culture yet, we're trying to build towards that.
But he just has a good time, man. He just loves life. He's 23 years old. He's captain of the Bulldogs already. He's done a lot in the game. If we can really feed off what he's doing, add a few more pieces and then we can sort of push for a little bit. Yeah, but he's always having a good time.
So is Fox. Fox is about that. When you've been around in good systems, like Fox has been in Melbourne, they're never like that because of Craig Bellamy.
But clearly he just lets them be who they are. And it works. You look at Bizzer and Loay and when Crichton was there, they were always having fun. They were always enjoying themselves. Critter was the main leader in all that. So he's brought that across, and he's feeling good. Yeah, you just need to buy into it and everyone just have a good time.
But it always helps when you win. It always helps. But to hold the boombox and have a good time when you get pumped by 50.
It's not a good look. We were out there. We went out to Belmore just to have a look.
We did the dynasty Chinese beforehand in Yum Cha. China's good. Very good stuff.
Great leagues club to pull up in as well after particularly when the boys have just absolutely pumped the Titans. Might have been the best match to go to this year at home, right? Titans round 2.
What is the feeling out there? I mean, if that was my sample size to go up, my case study of this season, there's a vibe. I mean, it was the right vibe. It was multicultural round at Belmore and they won. But it feels like everyone's all in. Yeah, it's a bit different. It takes a little bit to build.
And the cultures are set by the players and the coaching staff. That's it. Mainly the players. You know, the dogs of war and the entertainers and all that sort of stuff, that was like part of the Bulldogs history, right? That was like, you get anointed those things by ex-players.
You just got to create what you are. And then what we see every week, then you can create your own and then people will say, that's those guys, right? Create your identity. Yeah, create your own identity.
And that's what the place, that's what people throw that word around culture a lot. I'm like, no one's in charge of the culture. No one, apart from the players and whatever the coaching staff has. And I don't know what culture they're trying to drive because it's all like it's inner sanctum sort of stuff.
I'm like, OK, we'll see it on the field. I do the pathway stuff. I do the young kids, like from 17 to 21. I've got a green light. I can walk up at first grade training. I can do whatever. I can sit there and watch, but I'm not like that. If I can think of a thousand other things to do, right? And watch first grade training.
They're good. They're athletes. Yep.
Seen this before. See you later. Mine is like 17 to 21. They're the next men up mentality where we need to get these kids like indoctrinated in water Bulldogs what it looks like and what Cam wants to see. All the little boxes that you need to tick before you're ready to go up there.
A lot won't go through. I was speaking to some rather vibrant Lebanese gentlemen in the Canterbury Leagues Club and one of them asked me all of them were drinking schooners of hard solo and one of them asked me do you think they'll ever send the Bulldogs to Vegas? And I said mate, if you are what's coming with them I think there's some hesitations because the Leagues Club was pumping. It'd be 20,000 Leveaux is on the plane.
Crazy. That's what you're looking for. And they've all got a bit of cash too.
I wouldn't be surprised. Not yet.
We do have five years to get over there and I think in that five years you will be having a Bulldogs team mate there. I think Penrith's the first one to get the nod and I'm like yeah fair enough they deserve it. You've played out well. You've deserved it. But all the other teams who aren't the top of the list have to sort of wait to get up there. We were talking about it while we were there. It'd be fun but Yeah.
Well we were thinking probably next year would be a Cowboys, a Warriors Cronulla. You definitely get the Warriors there. I think it's a team and there's Penrith and I think they might go past Brisbane. You have to have Brisbane and then the other one's probably up for grabs. I think the Roosters I think that'll be your four.
I think so. I don't know. Does that sound right? You didn't go Scott. We want to talk to William about how that was.
The inaugural NRL Vegas round. One of the very NRL ideas we've seen like remember we were talking about 2020 before Project Apollo there was talk of an NRL island. This is the type of things that the NRL pull out of their arse where they're like yeah we could all just move everyone to Moreton with their families. That was actually an idea wasn't it? It was a serious moreton place and we were all for it. NRL island would have been the greatest. It just makes shit happen for the Landys. It was very close to happening. We could build the ovals in a week or two. It didn't happen because basically the Landys bullied the government to allow the NRL to go ahead on the mainland. An equally crazy idea is what we've since seen in NRL Vegas. The fact that there's five years we all know how it's going to play out. Now post Super Bowl you end up with a bit of a lull in the city of sin and Landys has said to Nevada tourism how about I bring 40,000 cashed up NRL fans over there and you can charge them Australian prices and they won't know the difference and it's exactly what happened and everyone seems to think it was an actual and it was a hit.
It was a hit. Well tell me the vibe. You first land there. What is the first thing you do and what is the first thing you see? Oh god. PG version.
I could show you the group chat away. We had to get a charter from I think it was LA to Vegas with the Brisbane Broncos here because the tabs sponsor the show and they're big sponsors of Brisbane as well so I was with a couple of knockabout blokes and they were just they're just on the Broncos junket I'm like we're staying at the same hotel all this sort of shit and I'm like okay this is alright. Met a couple of good blokes there and so I was five nights there so it must be Wednesday. Wednesday night and then it was just non-stop fucking let's go every day and every night. There was no off button and I love it because I don't have an off button either so I'm built for Vegas.
We had a couple of little things we had to do for the tab. We did the podcast over there. So it was easy work.
The energy of Vegas will just pick you up. If you're feeling sorry for yourself, wake up and you're feeling a little bit dusty, shut the fuck up. Get a drink in here. So he's talking about our little producer, Luke. Who unfortunately had to room with Mays and it wasn't affording an off button. Might not quite have the same motor. The worst place you can be in Vegas is a fucking bedroom by yourself. Like just with your own head noise. It's just like mate get up, do yourself a favour shower, let's get out.
I was walking the streets with the tab guys a couple of Broncos fans that I've met. I don't care. I'm like that. I could just sit there, walk around and just have a beer with anyone.
The energy was just mad. Everyone was over there. Were the Americans feeling it? They were a little bit. I think it was like 10,000 Americans it turned up. All the rest were Aussies.
By the time Thursday, Friday hit, because no one was going there just for fucking two days. They were five-nighters or four-nighters. You'd just see blokes walking out of the Cosmo like 10.30 in the morning.
Hey Willie, how you going mate? Oh damn it. I'm good, I'm good, I'm good.
But everyone, it's not like you're doing it, you would never do that sort of shit in Sydney because it's just really frowned upon. Over there nothing's frowned upon and everyone's on the same vibe and same energy and no one cares. It's Vegas and it's supposed to happen.
You know what I mean? It's just like I should have went harder. I can't wait to get back there. I'll be like no, I don't know my limits. I could have went harder. 2025 look out. I left some over there. I left some energy over there. If you didn't have commitments, you could have gone harder. Goodbye.
You're a good plane sleeper from all accounts. No, I'm fucking awful. I don't sleep hardly ever.
So was there a moment when Vegas ended and you just went okay I'll see you in L.A. Yeah it was because I walked out of the hotel at Cosmo at 11.30 and I had to be at the airport at one o'clock and I'm like, oh well it's over. I said thank you Vegas, I just sort of walked out. I sort of walked out and just went ugh. Shoved the shoulders a bit, got home, had a shower and went straight to the airport.
Fucking done. See you next year. That was my attitude.
And everyone was like that at the airport. No one's like, no you can't feel sorry for yourself over there. No one cares.
But I'm saying everyone went so hard there like all the ex-players and that that I've knocked into. I'm like, they're like, I can't wait to go back. The game day experience everything like that it was just everything was top notch.
It's like being inside a Super Bowl stadium. It's like being in a massive nightclub. The Super Bowl stadium? Yes, they closed the doors there's a DJ up the other end, everyone's playing all the smokes playing. It's like being in a Vegas nightclub with 40,000 people in there.
And I guarantee next year there'll be 60,000 there. Because word of mouth like this and you talk to them and they go, how good was Vegas good?
You're like, it's off his head, it's fucking great. No one's going to come back and go oh shit. There's something wrong with you. If you have a shit time in Vegas, go check yourself, go straight to therapy. You've got something wrong with you. It sounds like a bit of a longer bucks party energy just like five days. You've got to pace yourself.
It's the perfect bucks. Oh my god. Everything's perfect.
But birthdays, bucks just wanting to go there and support league. Not give a shit about league. If you're an AFL fan, I'll be like, I'm going to Vegas because that looks mad.
It's an event. It is an event.
You go in there and then they put two good games like that on and which if you didn't know the game, you look at it and go Holy shit. I love this shit. You know what I mean? You're looking at fucking Croaker and the Manly Boys just pump everyone all the kawatu. So if you're looking at it, just the branding and you're like, wow, if I'm taking a sponsor, a potential sponsor, this is our product, you're like, I want in.
Why do you got $45,000 in America when you only played on the east coast of Australia? The landing ship is just sitting there like that. Don, he's the king.
Do you think it kind of had the effect that we thought it would with a starter gun to the season? Do you think from there we kind of rushed back to Australia to see what everyone else had in store for us? Yeah, I don't know. I thought it was, how do you reckon with that? Do you think it was just we're out of the block straight away and then we come back and we plateaued? I think we've just gone like that.
We started the year off mad. Everyone was sort of confused. I was confused.
Is it round zero or one? I'm not sure. Does this count for fucking two? I was before it. I was like yeah, it counts for two and I'm like, no it don't. It's a trial game.
He thought Sals had to buy the next week but it was round zero. They all had to buy. He goes, I think Sals would be better rested than the other teams because they got the buy next week. No, all four have the buy.
They're not playing round one. And you can tell too because most of the boys were out and I reckon the coaches would have been so happy with everything. There was no regulations on anybody. There was no dramas because you didn't sit them in a room like kids.
You trusted them like adults. They went out there, they behaved like fucking adults. So they really did.
There was potential for all that to go wrong. There was potential because I saw a heap of the boys out and I just I just kept walking. I was like, oh shit there's a whole team there. Surely there were some yonder pouches for the phones to go into after full time. What happened, they looked after themselves. I think the amount of fuck ups that have been happening in the game they would have got the talking to from everyone. All the big dogs, you mess up, you're out.
Right?
So when there's repercussions and consequences to your fucking little actions, then you get treated like that and you know the repercussions and you'll sit back because they're all adults and go I don't have to do that shit. I'm not going to get in a fight or do dumb shit. Not that it happens all the time but if someone's pressuring you at a joint.
NRL players have been locked up in Vegas before. Shit can get sideways in Vegas. Mate, that was the fucking ingredients right there to make shit go crazy.
From my understanding all the teams let the boys go hard day one once they arrived. So they arrived about 10 or 11 days before. So they got it out of their system, concentrated on footy and then always had the carrot we're going to let you go out after. So they were able to concentrate on that 10 to 11 day period. Modern day coaching.
They had it cracked early but a lot of them don't hardly any drink anymore too. So even though you get the green light, some obviously chose not to. Some decided to party a little bit off something else.
There's something I want to talk about a little bit with the a lot of blokes with faith, right? You had a bit of it in the Bulldogs I'm sure you had a bit of it in Manly, Scott. But Hazem, never had a beer. You have the Island of Boys with their Christianity. Everyone wants to talk about this Penrith dynasty and they always talk about, oh it's a younger team.
It's a different type of game. They've arrived perfectly in time for this new type of game. It's a running game.
They're all younger and fitter than everyone. No one's mentioned that most of these boys don't drink.
Until we started on that, I started thinking that's an underrated part of their success. Yeah, they're all good church boys and they go home and play video games. The culture shift is great. I think it's great for the game. It's great for all these younger kids coming through. The parents are going to go, okay put your kid in rugby league.
If you're coming through the 90s and shit in 2000 you're like, this guy's a bunch of lunatics. I get it, right? But we were just like products of our environment and we chose and that was the part that we had. It was just a drinking culture. I get it.
All the guys that you looked up to the legends of the games in the 90s, next minute they're next door to me. And they're going, you're not leaving the lease up until you have a fucking beer. On a Tuesday night, you're not leaving the RSL until you have six schooners and shit.
That's what I got indoctrinated into me. Plus it's my choice. If I want to have a good time I'll have a good time as well.
I don't ever put it on the culture of the thing or anything. That's just me. And if you don't want to drink, you don't drink. I don't give a shit what you do. The culture was like that.
There was hardly a dude that didn't drink on mat. He was the only one that didn't have a drink on mad Monday.
Even Pricey had his little Midori and lemonades. But he'd have a couple, that's about it. Elder West. I didn't know Pricey was a He never used to drink. But he'd have a little Midori and lemonade. Celebrate the year, Pricey. One of you thought of a Midori, didn't he?
So you're talking a whole other 30 players are doing the same thing. When I come into the game, the game only just actually not 96, 97. 98, the game come back together. So it's just like, we were part of that whole thing.
You were a hunter mariners junior, weren't you? Newcastle junior.
But anyway, from right now, these young kids are coming into systems. They're not drinking, their senior players aren't drinking. It's not like that. It's great for a young kid. It's good for parents to put kids into rugby league or rugby union. Because the whole culture of professional sports is nearly frowned upon. Not talking to young kids at the ball.
I said, what did you do on the weekend? No, nothing. Just hung in the family. I had one day off. I just recovered. I'm like, fuck, next. I got to talk to a brick wall. But that's just the way it is.
And I respect, and I asked them, I said, so these guys aren't even in the top 30. These guys are just, but they're hustling to try and get in the top 30.
And I said, what did you do? And they're like, no, no. Do you boys hang out on the weekend? 30 hours in a marathon? Yeah, but I was just thinking, have you ever done that? So I was just thinking, so it took me a while to go, OK, well, this is not the culture anymore.
And just don't even fucking talk to them about anything. Just talk to them about life, right? It's not about that. Just talk about footy and shit. Because they talk to me like I'm a fucking dinosaur.
Did this really happen? Dude, it's like 10 years ago. You know what I mean? It's like, yeah, I didn't play in the fucking 60s, mate. It was 10 weeks ago in Vegas. I'm not even playing. That's the difference, right?
You talk to these guys with their families. They shit themselves because of the pressure that's in a training event. They're like, oh, I don't want to be hungover for the training session. I'm like, it's a fucking training session. That's in my head. Because it was the old school mentality. Ring out the piss. It was the old school sort of mentality, drink hard, play hard, train hard.
Everything was at 100%. Everything. Our training sessions were at a million percent all the time.
We used to train like that, play like that, and off the field was like that. So they've just gone the other way, and the play bit's just whatever.
You can still have a drink, but they're petrified to turn up on the Monday and be a little bit off.
And it's like, well, that's the culture thing. That's the culture shift. That's a good thing.
That has to be financial as well, right? Yeah, money plays a part. There's more repercussions and there's more money on the line now.
So being professional, I got an insight into the Melbourne Storms culture. And I'm close with a couple, in particular Munster and a few of these players. And Bellamy's like that. So even though you think of some of those Melbourne Storms players over the years as Larrikins, he identifies spots in the schedule early on in the year.
So they've always got a carrot. They've got like five, six weeks. Boys, you've got a bike coming up in four weeks.
We're going to get together. They all get together as a club. They invite their partners, all that sort of stuff. They drop the shoulders together. A lot more teams and a lot more players, individuals are doing that these days. Where I was like, me and Mace are pretty much similar.
Were you in the Manly in the Red Leather Catch days? Yeah, shout out to the Red Leather. Yeah, the Red Leather. Love it. You only really played for Manly if you made it to Red Leather. If you haven't made it to Red Leather, you've got to come to the club. Yeah, and I played one year and I got to Red Leather. Mace was somehow at Red Leather before we even got to Manly.
That happened. Exactly. But yeah, so that was a heavy drinking culture.
But Jakey's a great example of that. Jake Travoyevich wasn't... He was a late bloomer. He enjoys the schooner now, but by no means is he... Trials are on home. But when he first came into the grade, we had a very heavy drinking culture at Manly, but Jakey was always a bit naive, a bit younger, and he didn't enjoy drinking.
No one ever forced him. It was compulsory. He turned up to every team drink though. So he had to turn up.
Jake would stay in the group for an hour or two, and the boys could go home and... You get out of here, kid. Jakey never left. Jakey would stay there longer than everyone.
It's one sort of thing that I always look at, at young kids, even from the pathways to even first graders having chats with them. I don't want it to seem like it's a job tool, right?
And it doesn't look like fun sometimes. The way I wanted to play the game, because it looked so much fun and it was always fun from when I was young and when I played and after it. And most of the time it was fun, because we used to have a good time and win and have a good time after the game. I don't see that element of fun.
And I'm seeing it at training and everything like that, because it's so serious from under-17s now. These kids at 17 look like it's their 10th pre-season.
And it's a slog. I said, dude, you're not even knowing. Near first grade and you're looking like this, bro. I'm not trying to really put in that fun element. It's not fun going out.
Just have fun at training. Compete with each other. Have a joke.
I see it and I'm just like, come on boys. This is supposed to be the prime of your life when you're a young kid. I said, if you get better at this shit, you're going to get to first grade, then the fun's fucking taken out.
It was fun for me my whole career. Life is always fun. Still fucking fun now.
And as soon as it wasn't fun, I retired. That's when it wasn't fun for me, because the coach pissed me off and I didn't want to turn up the train. I was like, I'm fucking done.
But I was 36. So imagine if it's done at 22. That's my point. If I was 22 and I'm thinking I'm going to first grade and I'm like, this sucks, man.
It's not fun. The coach is an ass. I said, all the boys are fucking flogs. I'm out.
It never happened to me like that. I oversaw, and we've spoken about this before, one of the first faces in the Pacific kind of revolution, one of the early Tomlin boys. Your family came via New Zealand, Scott, but also you would have joined that first wave. Well, my dad was one of the first, when the Kiwi influx happened, and right at the start, you think of the Sorenson brothers in the 80s, the mid-80s, and then there was Hugh McGahn, Austin Filipana, and then my dad started playing in a row in 1990, and there probably would have been a representation of less than 5% of other Kiwis or Islanders.
Now it's 60%.
That's in NRL. I'm wondering what it's like in the pathways. Well, yeah, that's what I'm wondering. What are the demographics you're seeing with the younger kids coming through? I know with Hazem, I imagine he triggered a wave of Lebanese. They're all coming through now. They're in the pathways now, and they're in a lot of systems. African lads? A few.
A lot of Fijians.
One where the Africans play in Sudanese and everything settle down in Melbourne. A lot settle in Melbourne. A few out west, so in the next 10 years, you'll probably see a lot more influx of that rugby league in Melbourne, because they spent $30 million on some complex for rugby league down there for development and everything like that.
So with the Polynesian kids, you've probably seen, I think it's probably high. It's like 60%, 70%. But I think that's probably going to die down too now because of the pace of the game. Because I'm looking at young kids now, what sort of body types you're looking at, you're sort of stalking how fit they are. Josh Pupily, he's not getting a start. Yeah, exactly. You're looking at that, you're looking at middles, you're like, if you can't play a whole 30 minutes straight in the middle, like in SG ball, which is under 19s, or the next one, jersey flag, you're looking cyborgs going, where's that next kid?
How does Payne Haas do it? I always look at him and I just don't understand how a guy who is that size has that motor. He's genetics. He's Simone. He's got like Swedish eating Filipino. He's cut from a few different cloths. Because you look at his work ethic. Look at his shape right and go like, nah, he's probably not going to have... No, because he's like a buck 25. He's about a buck 28. And he wins fitness tests, doesn't he? He kills and he goes fast. That's why he's unstoppable.
You're never going to see a Payne Haas again.
People need to understand what we're seeing now is fucking near greatness. What he's doing in this modern day era, how fast it is, how effective that guy is, what he does in the game and how dominant he is, right? You throw in a couple of grand finals to that guy, a couple of manning matches in the state of origin, he'll go down as fucking top three easy props of all time in any era. You throw him in the 80s, what would he do now?
He doesn't even lift a weight, he's only 20 kilos.
Yeah, and he's a ball player. Yeah, in this modern day, he doesn't have to ball play. You know what I mean? He doesn't have to ball play like he doesn't have... He's got that skill set, but he doesn't have to.
Because no one can bash him one on one. Unless you're like, you really get him slipping, okay, Liotta might get under him, but it still ain't going to be, boom, on his back. It's just going to go... And he's just probably going to play the ball. Never really seen him before. He's just going to gradually stop running. You know, like, Tino might get him, maybe, if you get him off balance. It's going to be very rare to hit a sort of guy like that.
So, you're looking at different body types in... You're probably looking at Liotta and Fisher-Harris body types, to be honest. Because it's hard to get a guy like a Tino, six foot five guy, 115, 20 kilos, 10, 12% body fat, with a high skill set. And a big motor. It's like, they're an anomaly. So, when you see those kids, every team will go to that body type.
Because it's rare, right? A pain horse is rare.
So, that's why the 15, 16... So, you think running is going to be a big part of it? You better be fit, kid. Yeah, yeah. Body types.
If you're not beeping like 14, if you're not doing the... These beach balls aren't going to last. If you're not yo-yoing near 20, in the middle, you might play NRL. But you're not going to dominate the game. Now, why would you want to play a game that you're not going to dominate?
Especially the big Polynesian kids. I've got a lot to do with these young kids. Six foot four, 12% body fat. They've got all the data and analytics.
I'm just like, if you don't have a skill set that we're looking for, you will not progress to the next stage. The passing game. You can't just be a battering ram to run into people. Because when you get to the next level, you've got to run into a Fisher-Harris, who's going to fold you. And you're going to run into a pain horse, and a Tino, and a Liotta, and a Fanua Blake, and all these guys that will pump you if you don't have that skill set to pass.
Nice, soft hands. Understand unders, overs. Detail at markers. All these sort of things. That's all I'm looking at to a young kid.
And I'm like, if he's not ticking these boxes now, 18, 19, 20 will give you. And if you're not doing it by 20, you're out of the game. So the next 17-year-old kid comes up. Then the next one. So you give him about three years. So if you're a young kid listening, if you're not coachable from 12 to 15, with all the fundamentals, and passing, and skill set, and everything like that, then 15 to 20, that's when you really got to put your work in, right?
You got to really just get your fitness, get your passing, IQ of the game. And then, like, physicality, that's the lowest hanging fruit for you, because you're 6 foot 4 and 120 kilos. But you've got to have all the other skill sets for you to dominate. So if you have all those, then you've got a Tino. Then you've got a pain horse. Then you've got all these other guys. And then on top of that, be as fit as a marathon runner.
Yeah. You know, it is ridiculous how many big kids are out there that cannot string more than 15 minutes together. I'm like, if I put you in the middle in an NRL game right now, kid, how long do you reckon you'll last? Seven or eight. Okay, not even four sets.
How did you guys go? What was changing in the game when you came along?
The wrestle. Yeah, the wrestle would become pretty big.
Your Melbourne Storm were at the forefront of it. When we started in 2010, they had already been dominating for a couple of years through the middle part of Mace's career. So they were bringing down MMA jiu-jitsu coaches to training? Yeah, yeah, John, the coach Randy Couture and shit. And he was their dude. I feel like coaches are trying to quicken the game up and look for athletes that can quicken a game up. Back when I started, they were trying to slow it down.
Right. So it was more about that endurance. Can I ask body types there? The debate seems to have fired up a little bit over the last week or so, and it always seems to be the same people. It's like skinny white halfbacks and tuck shop lady mums called Cheryl who want to see weight divisions in place for younger kids. What do you guys reckon about that? It's a mentality, right?
You've got a 12-year-old kid who is an absolute wrecking ball and is bending blokes back and just tackle tech off the chain. You're like, yeah, you're too good for 12-year-olds.
Yeah, yeah. Was that you? No, no, no, never. If you've got a 12-year-old Polynesian kid who's just big, who's just having fun and just walking through the line, all that sort of stuff, he's not coming off the back fence knocking people out. Yeah. You know what I mean? If he's doing that, you've got to put him up, right? Yeah, yeah.
He's just way too good. If he's doing stuff like Tal Marlowe's doing in first grade when he was in his prime, yeah, you need to move up. But if he's a 10-year-old kid who's just playing with his mates, who's just a big Polynesian kid, bro, that's what happens. You know what I mean? He's walking through the line. He's not destroying anything. Yeah, teams of kids are getting tangled up in those ankles. You know, like, good luck, you know? But if he's doing other stuff that is actually hurting other kids, yeah, maybe look at putting him up. But you don't put him up because mentally, you don't shame the kid as well. They've done that a couple of times. Like, you can't do that to that big kid, man. He's mentally still a 12-year-old kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or a 10-year-old kid. Like, he's scarring him for life.
He doesn't want to do any team sport. His parents are probably trying to educate him on being in team sport, what's good for his growth instead of sitting at home playing fucking video games.
All that shit. Yeah, yeah. Right?
Don't do that. Don't do that to the kids.
Like, the coaches aren't stupid enough to have a 12-year-old kid who's an absolute gun. You're like, you probably want to put him up to 14s or 15s to make Yeah, it's better for his development, right? Better for his development. What's he going to learn running through fucking 40 people?
But it's like academics, right? Like, if the kid's too smart for grade six, they're going up to grade seven. That's a good point. Like, some kids are finishing school. Yeah.
You should look at how dominant this kid is and go, he can't play 10s. Put him up to 13s. That's about where he's at. Don't just put him at 13s because he's 130 kilos. He's not ready for 13s because the 13-year-old kid, he's a young little man.
You know, it's a different mentality to scar the kid for life. Yeah, because kids are getting scarred at either end of that, right?
Like, you know, oh, well, he's a big island lad. He can keep moving, and it's very funny, and everyone's hanging off him. And then when he falls, he might, you know, some kid might get squashed. But that's all good, right?
It's not like, as you said, he's not back fencing it, and he's not, you know, he doesn't know how to get under someone's ribs. No, he's not putting his front foot in and jamming. He's showing you ribs and wrestling and putting your fucking bison ribs on him.
Yeah, because that kid, when you move him up to 13s, he's, you know, there's guys with hair on their chin, and they're absolutely going to, they're going to hold him. Especially out west, especially out west, because there's a lot of, you go out there, man. I'm doing, like, some work with Harold Matts in the development. There's some kids there, like, he's 14. I said, how big is this kid, me and Oga? Oga and I just sat there looking, going, he's six foot three. And I'm like, they've all got that. You know, the Bulldogs have got that one, Penrith's got him, like, everybody's got the big Polynesian kid, because, but it's not like, you've got to develop him as football players, you know?
What do you reckon, you're saying pros and cons? Oh, like, yeah, there's sort of a nail on it, but there's pros and cons to both.
Like, he doesn't develop that skill set that's required as he gets older. But also, I was undersized for my age, so having those guys at that competition for me gave me confidence by the time I got older. So I was able to tackle those boys, I wasn't able to tackle them early on. Once I start getting to third age, 14. I was the opposite, the moment everyone caught up to me, I just quit. You gain confidence out of it. These guys are just bigger than me now, and they're fucking me up. So I no longer have that growth spurt advantage, I'm out. Yeah, yeah. It does give you confidence, though, when you learn how to tackle them eventually. And then you get to 15 and 16, you're like, oh, I can handle myself now.
It's so important, the development of young kids. Because I'm at the coalface now, and I see these kids come through the grades and not get taught the fundamentals of rugby league. With three-on-twos and passing and soft hands and that. It's just the product of give the ball to the big Polynesian kid, and let 20 blokes hang off his legs and let him walk through. And then he gets to around about 17, 18, where he is now. Then you've got to deal with the big kid out of Penrifs that's as big as you.
And Canberra, and Parramatta, New Zealand.
But the difference is, he's been taught how to pass the ball. Then you're going to get a Tino, right? Fundamentals, all that kind of stuff, depends what position he's been playing. All that kind of stuff. And then let them grow, and then they get to about 17, 18. And then you can really point whatever position they want in. Where are the pockets of talent you're seeing?
I mean, obviously the Penrith grassroots, everyone will say that. But Penrith grassroots is equivalent to fucking half of a city.
Where else are you seeing? I know there's always, I mean, we always see veins in the bush. Central Queensland, that's where the last wave of white boys have come from, is the fucking Munsters and the Harry Grands and DCEs and whatever. Where else are you seeing?
Are you seeing a little, and I know that the Bulldogs have changed now, where the club is, and this is all Gus, right? The club's a bit more involved in the redjoes and paying for things for the kids in the grassroots level, which obviously encourages grassroots. Are there pockets down that way?
I don't know. I'd say New Zealand. Yeah, New Zealand. I think it's always untapped.
I remember we got Sunny Bill and Roy Acetasi within two years. Turned out all right. Do you know what I mean? If I just leave those two names there, you're like, that's enough. If you're a recruitment officer, that's enough. I got Roy Acetasi and I got Sunny Bill. I quit. That's about it.
So there's always that young kid.
Look at RTS sort of slip through. You've got to have that person on the ground in New Zealand, looking at these guys coming through New Zealand school boys, and they're sort of at the cross lines, they're going, I could go to Leeds, more money, union, probably less. Got to wait behind Bowden Barrett and all these sort of freaks. You know what I mean? It's like, I think New Zealand's still untapped. Do you boys reckon you have those skills, like that Artie Beatson eye? You know, he was... It's hard. Artie Beatson was in a different era where you could identify a lot of talent. Even like Noel Cleal, remember Noel Cleal was out in the country getting like Jamie Lyon and stuff like that.
O'Sullivan. Yeah. He's worked with Wayne Heapson. Yeah. O'Sullivan's the one with the dolphins now. What's happening now is... He was a big part of the storm. Yeah, yeah. He was big.
But you get these kids and they're already like under management. This is what happens. So the managers have already got these guys at 15. So the managers talk to the recruitment and the development. So that relationship there means you get their best kid. You'll get Payne Haas. Do you know what I mean? You'll get Tino because they've been looking after him since they were 15 and they get to 18, 19 and they're playing first grade, all that sort of stuff. But they're cultivated really early. All the big dogs are. So if you see that young kid who's 6 foot 4, 110 kilos, pretty lean, good skill set, guaranteed he's contracting here as a manager.
He's contracted. He's under management. He's ready to come up.
So there's a lot more eyes. There is so many eyes and they're already ready to go.
It's the cultivation of those young kids and being in the right system for those kids at the right time so they can be the players that they are. Right. And that's about it.
We're not going to go to Serena and find Wendell Sailor.
You know what I mean? This is a big 6 foot 5 winger just stepping off his left foot, left arm carry, right palm. You know what I mean?
Like, you're not going to see that. You're not going to see Lottie Taquiris.
They're already done. Matt Scott and Longridge. You're probably going to see them in Fiji and the islands and New Zealand. That's where you're going to see the kid that you're like, oh, wow. Okay, let's see what motor he's got. And then you've got to get them out of your union system. Yeah. Fiji, they're getting picked from union teams all the time. Yeah, right. But like, it's, I think that's the, when you look to, when you talk to Gus and you talk to these guys ahead of recruitment. Have at New Guinea, Papua New Guinea.
I mean, I feel like Mesa, I don't know, they used to go, you've, you've been there a few times. Yeah, it's crazy. Have you played up there? No, I haven't. No, I've heard great things.
But do you see that? It's a wild, wild west, mate. Whoo! Hit and run only. Oh my God. But do you see that? Like, you know, I'm sure you see it with the kids running alongside your taxi from the airport. Like, we should bring him back home. And I think, as I said before, the best New Guinea kids are probably already under contract and already found. Really? Even in Mooresby, you reckon?
Yeah, because they're everywhere. Recruitment's everywhere.
Now that the things I get sent email-wise of a young kid in New Guinea, in New Zealand, I just send them to Gus. Because the kids look good. But as I say, they're the highlights. It's a highlight package. They call it a highlights package for real, right? They ain't gonna send you fucking mistackles of how lazy you were, like, in all your worst defensive decisions. It's the highlights, right? It's the rugby's problem at the moment. Yes. And I'm like, I forwarded to Gus, I go, this kid? Because they just send me. Because it's easy to do now in a highlights package. Boom. Because my email's on the vid. Some real good ones. How many emails of highlight packages have I seen?
It's okay. I don't know. I need to see the whole game. You don't understand. No, let's talk about the current season right now. I mean, we just spoke a little bit about how the West Tigers are going to win the comp.
But what else are you seeing out there? Who are your dark horses? Who are your smokies?
Last year, you both said the Cowboys. Cowboys. Yeah. At the start of the season. I still like the Cowboys. I think there's going to be a team that I feel like will surprise us, whether it's a Parramatta. Is that because of the injuries, you think? Because of the top teams who lost players. So it looks, at the moment, it looks like still Penrith and Distant Second. Yeah. Then you've got Broncos thereabouts, Storm are going to be thereabouts with their culture. But I feel like a team like the Cowboys, Manly, Parra.
Cronulla? Cronulla.
If they can get their shit together and string a few games at the back end and have momentum, a team like that might. You remember how Penrith a couple of years played Parramatta in the grand final and they probably weren't the second best team. Yeah. But they just had a really nice run going into the finals and started to lock down at the back end of the season. So it's less about windows. It's very hard. It's less about premiership windows. It's more about the season they're playing.
Yeah, the run. Momentum. Yeah. And key injuries, having been healthy. Yeah. How's the Broncos window looking? It's there. Yeah. Just what they did against the Cowboys was so impressive on the weekend. Yeah, that was good. Yeah. No Reese Walsh and Payne asked to do that. That was impressive. That's what I thought. I backed the Cowboys simply because those two were out. Yeah. They're so important and they just went like a juggernaut.
That's what good sides do.
Look at Penrith. Yeah. I thought the Roosters is my little Smokey if they get their shit together. Mm-hmm. It was disappointing watching them on the weekend. Yeah. Just getting towered up by Penrith and I'm just like, I'm not backing against Penrith again. You know what I mean? Just to get the job done. Good game. We're coming to Allianz yet. Wear our pink tops and we'll beat the shit out of you. Yeah. It's just like a switch, right? It is. Like they just decide, no, we're flicking it today and we're just going to pump who it is in front of us. When you talk about next man up mentality, they live and breathe it. Yeah, yeah. But I think if the Roosters sort of find some continuity between Smith and Sam Walker and Keery, same page, it looks like they're really off the page when they're off. And hope they end up on the opposite side of Penrith. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because they can't be Penrith. They just can't beat Penrith.
They need a hand, they need a hand in the range to Sam Walker and let him fucking run the team.
Do you think he's there?
It's his third or fourth year. Maturity wise? Fourth year? I'm thinking that's time.
You know, I mean last year he dropped. We all got a bit worried about him when he did that big move when he ran the clock out that match. Circled back against the top.
I love that. Smart play. I love that shit.
They're the ones with all the strike, they're the ones with all the strike that can go head to head with Penrith because they're kicking game, they're back five can really get out of yardage. You got good guys up front, they've got good bench, good depth, like exactly like Penrith. But Penrith are clinical. It's the only team that I can see that could actually beat them. They've been paramatter of paramatter on. You're saying that, was it the Roosters have lost nine in a row to Penrith? Yeah, nine in a row. Yeah. They haven't beat him for like five years and they've had a good roster the entire time. Now Penrith would have done that to a lot of teams, but Roosters have got the roster to actually not drop that many. So I think that's, they've got to get over that.
Roosters get a bit superstitious too. You know, like they do and paramatter does too. Some clubs get fucking West too. Some clubs get very superstitious about, oh, we're playing here against them.
Whereas I think you don't, you don't actually see that. And then people rattle out these stats and I'm not sure plays read into that shit, but surely not. It subconsciously, subconsciously becomes a thing though.
I remember at Manly, we had a good run against Cronulla during the period I was there. Cronulla was still a good team, but for whatever reason, no matter where we were on the ladder, we always went good against Cronulla. And they'll talk about it before the game and for whatever reason, it would play out that way. And yeah, I just found that surprising because they were a good team. They ended up winning the comps at 16 and yeah, Gal was there for long periods.
Well, lastly, I want to ask you, which player do you think is going to emerge this year? We've seen it. Dylan Edwards, maybe last year, the year before kind of came through, who is not really a household name. I'm actually really surprised by this hip drop on that Galvin. I was surprised. He's just hanging on. Yeah. I was like, well, but I'm also surprised that he's, he's now a household name, not because of the tackle, but everyone's talking about this guy and what it's going to mean missing him for two weeks. Who's coming through? No, probably him in my books. I've seen enough. I haven't seen enough of him yet, but I just saw that moment of like, like the game's on the line.
Give him the boy, takes his, his, like his mate on, smashes a palm in his face, sets a try out for Buller. That's ice in his veins, man, especially coming off after like the 10 minutes could have rattled him. Having that confidence, the team having confidence in him, him having confidence in the team, right? They defended 10 minutes without him. And you can see when Appie went, we fucking just defended 10 minutes for you mate. He just went, let me give you this one back. And his mate, who he ran over, ran over Tom Trabojevic the week before as well.
You know what I mean? I don't know if he's going to be a household name.
Shout out to Westfield Sports High. Great high school.
A household name, but he's going to be, I don't know, it should be, it could be the perfect storm for him with this year with the West Tigers. They need that. They need that sort of hope. Benji a good coach?
Yeah. I think he is man. He's got some good people around him, bud. Yeah. Yeah, right.
He's got good coaches around him. He just needs to like, it's a lot of little things. I saw Matty John's, I think he was on the buy round, he was saying, but he was trying to get into coach like 13, 14 years ago. Barely told him, he goes, look, what you do is actually coaching because you come down for your hour. And I remember Matty John's coming around the roosters and everything when we were there. Coaching the halves. He was definitely coaching. It was coaching.
He goes, it's got nothing to do with this. This is that.
And then you've got to deal with members. You've got to deal with the board. You've got to deal with all these other things that bother the shit out of you, right? You've got to be a politician. You know, like you've got to have all these, so all the assistant coaches and the special specialist coaches get all the coaching. You've got to be the man manager. You've got to manage the egos. You've got to manage the personalities and everything like that.
So Wayne Bennett and that can keep coaching forever because they're the kings at it. Once you master that, like even better than me.
They're down there running train tracks. No mate, they're not doing, they're not running fucking.
That's the difference, right? But a lot of young coaches dive into it real fucking early and it consumes them. And that's where Benji said, I'm going to take a different route where, because he's probably seen what's happened to Tim Sheens and all these other coaches that he's been under. He's like, I'm going to do it my way. And then Dean Ritchie gave him some tips. Is that kind of like the, is that kind of like, you're more of an origin coach in that sense.
You know what I mean? You're just there and you're around and you're hovering above them. Yeah.
But I think of you more hands on Benji, you know, but he's got Hinington there. He's got Robbie Farrar. He's got Scando there. All the guys that he's been at war with and played a lot of games with who he trusts. And I think they trust him.
You know, so when you get your harsh coach or your defensive coach and you understand we're on the same page, you don't care. You go do your thing. We're on the same page. We all sit around as coaches now. What's our main objective? Blah, blah, blah, blah. We need this X, Y and Z. Then we all come back in. We got it all done.
You nail it. You don't over-fucking see, you don't undermine. Right.
And I think he's really good at that because he's got a good demeanor Benji. Really quickly, he's got to wrap up Dez Hasler up at the Titans. We're seeing Benji come through different, like you're talking about him being kind of a modern coach looking at doing things differently. Dez is probably a lot more of the old school. Yeah. He'll get the season to figure it out. I'm not too sure if he's got the roster right there. He needs help in the hearts. We had the podcast before we said in this day and age, if you don't have a halfback and it's the same issues that the Bulldogs have got at the moment with Hutchinson. He's more of a feeling guy rather than a full time. So he probably gets the season. Couple of key players. He loves foreign and stuff like that, but he looks like a, not a mess like last week it did. I think when the dogs got him pretty convincingly it did, but last week they looked alright for like 25 minutes. They were up on the dolphins, but like, I'm not sure if his coaching philosophies are flying now. Is that, is he the brand of coach we're talking about that's down there with the boys running drills?
Is he? No. No, he never has been.
In his coach, a lot of analytics, right? And I'm not sure if that cattle up there are analytical players.
He's a bit quirky too. You know, like he's like, he's very quirky. Yeah.
So I think Des is a good coach, but those teams that he had at Manly and at Bulldogs, they were pretty good teams. They were top four teams every year. You know, he had some really good cattle there. If you have a look at those sides from 2004 to 2011 and then you have a look at the books from 12 to 15, 16 or whenever he left, got to two premierships, got to two other ones, lost them, could have four premiership rings.
Scott, what kind of quirkiness are we talking? Oh, I wasn't there while I was there, but like you think it does in some of the, I don't know if you've seen his post-match press conferences, he's, he's a bit of a weird cat and he also, you've got, if you're a weird cat, then you've got to have like look at the plane. Weird cats around you. Yeah, he's got like Chalky and Snake and all those guys are a little bit different. James Graham, you listen to him on the podcast. Yeah. He's a, he's a bit of a weirdo in the best possible way, right? So you've just, I'm looking at that tightness team, I'm trying to figure out like who's the weirdo that can connect with him. It's not Tino. Tino's a fucking boy from Gympie with a mop like, you know. He needs a weird cat in the middle that can, he can translate his message and then he can pass it on to the plane group. I don't think he's got that there at the moment.
What about Madge? Is Madge, is Madge one of this dying breed of coaches?
This major pain. The drill sergeant.
Well maybe because like you have a look at his success at Souths, right? Just fucking hard-nosed players, bunch of men, you know. Have a look at that premiership win inside with the teams that he had when they were going on. Half of them were related to each other. Going on, going on those big runs. And then he goes, the Tigers on the other, the whole paradox is a bunch of kids that didn't relate to him.
And it's like, it's a trust thing. It's a, how you get spoken to. It's like these are, they're a different generation now.
Even like the 2014 team was 10 years ago. Sam Burgess is retired, Greg Inglis is retired, Sutton's retired still. Every single blow, every single guy is Ben Teo in that team. Apart from Alex Johnson.
Yeah. Dylan Edwards and Tom Burgess, they're the only three, they would have been like 20 years old when they won that. Who Dylan Edwards? Dylan Walker. Oh yeah. Dylan Walker, he's around. Yeah.
So there's all the rest is retired. So they're all a bit older.
They're all like serious dudes that you could trust Sam Burgess to go out there. Fucking do your thing, big boy. John Sutton, Reynolds. Like in the army camp shit with these boys. You could see it in the tales of Tiger Town as well by like episode three.
He's like trying so hard not to just fucking abuse them. Madge is a real old school dude. Like he's cut from that camber cloth, right? He's just like Ricky Stewart sort of mold, fucking harder, harder, you know what I mean?
That'll fly in origin. You reckon? That'll fly in origin because you're dealing with pros and you've only got them for a few weeks, right? You know what I mean? Grown ass men that are used to everything. They'll love that. Interesting.
It's an interesting season we're looking down the barrel at, as we said, the momentum's only growing. Vegas round was a great way to start it off because like we actually didn't know when the AFL started.
Kind of crowded. It flooded the zone.
You know what I mean? And all AFL. All Union. Yeah. All Union.
That's a whole different episode. I don't think Vegas counts.
Outside of Queensland, Union's still thriving up. We are red, but yeah, I do think the, it's going to be a really interesting season. I think the injuries to the stars at this stage is going to result, as you said, in the run. It's not going to be a window season. Outside of obviously Penrith and maybe Broncos, it's the run, whoever from here can make the most of it. Healthy eight weeks.
Everyone has a different mindset.
If you're like one of those lowest sort of six teams, you're like, just fucking jag. Like just sit at 500, right? Three wins, three losses. Not too bad until we start getting through origin and all that sort of shit. Jags them through origin.
So we're not, it's just different. And then your Penrith is like, we just roll everywhere. Yeah. We'll get to the finals. And then if you're another top four team, you're like, we need to position ourselves so we're not first round with Penrith. Yeah. Then good luck. The team we forgot is the Warriors actually. Oh shit yeah. So when they go through origin period, they're a team that could benefit and be healthy at the right time.
There's not one. Not one origin player.
No.
Right. Okay. Well, keep eyes on that. Yeah. Up the wires, eh? Jack Black. Up the wires. Yeah.
Thanks for joining us, boys. We'll probably get you the back end of the season and see how all these predictions panned out. Thanks, boys. Thanks.
Him, you know, so when you get your halves coach or your defensive coach and you understand we're on the same page, you don't care. You go do your thing. We're on the same page. We all sit around as coaches now. What's our main objective? Blah, blah, blah, blah. We need this X, Y, and Z. Then we all come back in. We got it all done.
Yeah. You nail it. You trust the message. You don't over fucking see. You don't undermine. Right.
And I think he's really good at that because he's got a good demeanor, Benji. Really quickly, because we've got to wrap up, Dez Hasler up at the Titans. We're seeing Benji come through different. You're talking about him being kind of a modern coach, looking at doing things differently. Dezy's probably a lot more of the old school. Yeah. He'll get the season to figure it out. I'm not too sure if he's got the roster right there. He needs help in the halves. We had the podcast before. We said, in this day and age, if you don't have a halfback, and it's the same issues as the Bulldogs have got at the moment with Hutchinson, he's more of a feeling guy rather than a full time. So we get the season. Couple of key players. He loves foreign and stuff like that, but he looks like a, not a mess, like last week it did. I think when the dogs got him pretty convincingly, it did. But last week they looked alright for like 25 minutes. They were up on the Dolphins, but like, I'm not sure if his coaching philosophies are flying now. Is that, is he the brand of coach we're talking about that's down there with the boys running drills?
Is he? No. No, he never has been.
He's a lot of detail involved in his coach. A lot of analytics, right? And I'm not sure if that cattle up there are analytical players.
He's a bit quirky too. You know? He's very quirky.
Yeah. So I think Des is a good coach, but those teams that he had at Manly and at Bulldogs, they were pretty good teams. Yeah. They were top four teams every year. Yeah.
He had some really good cattle there. If you have a look at those sides from 2004 to 2011, and then you have a look at the dogs from 12 to 15, 16 or whenever he left, got the two premierships, got the two other ones, lost them, could have four premiership rings.
Scott, what kind of quirkiness are we talking? Oh, I wasn't there, but like you think it does in some of the, I don't know if you've seen his post-match press conferences, he's, he's a bit of a weird cat. And he also, you've got, if you're a weird cat, then you've got to have, like look at the plane. Weird cats around you. Yeah, he's got like Chocking Snake and all those guys are a little bit different. James Graham, you listen to him on the podcast, he's a bit of a weirdo in the best possible way, right? Yeah, we are all weirdos. So you've just, I'm looking at that Titans team, I'm trying to figure out like who's the weirdo that can connect with him.
It's not Tino. Tino ain't.
He needs a weird cat in the middle that can, he can translate his message and then he can pass it on to the plane group. I don't think he's got that there at the moment.
What about Madge? Is Madge, is Madge one of this dying breed of coaches?
This major pain? The drill sergeant.
Well maybe, because like you have a look at his success at Souths, right? Just fucking hard-nosed players, bunch of men, you know, you have a look at that premiership win inside, with the teams that he had when they were going on. Half of them were related to each other. Going on, going on those big runs. And then he goes to Tigers on the other, the whole paradox is a bunch of kids that didn't relate to him. And it's like, it's a trust thing, it's how you get spoken to, it's like, they're a different generation now.
Even like, the 2014 team was 10 years ago. Sam Burgess is retired, Greg Inglis is retired, Sutton's retired still. Every single blow, every single guy is Ben Teo in that team, apart from Alex Johnson. Alex Johnson is the only dude, Dylan Edwards, Dylan Edwards and Tom Burgess. They're the only three. They would have been like 20 years old if they won that.
Who Dylan Edwards? Dylan Walker.
He's around. So all the rest is retired. So they're all a bit older, they're all like serious dudes. You could trust Sam Burgess to go out there, fucking do your thing, big boy. John Sutton, Reynolds. You could see it in the tales of Tiger Town as well, by like episode three. He's like trying so hard not to just fucking abuse them. Madge is a real old school dude. He's cut from that Canberra cloth, right? He's just like Ricky Stewart sort of mole, fucking harder, harder, you know what I mean?
That'll fly in origin. You reckon? That'll fly in origin because you're dealing with pros and you've only got them for a few weeks, right? You know what I mean? Grown ass men that are used to everything. They'll love that. Interesting.
It's an interesting season we're looking down the barrel at, as we said, the momentum's only growing. Vegas round was a great way to start it off because we actually didn't know when the AFL started. It kind of crowded, it flooded the zone, you know what I mean?
And all AFL. All union. Yeah, all union.
That's a whole different episode. Outside of Queensland, union's still thriving up. We are red, but yeah, I do think the, it's going to be a really interesting season. I think the injuries to the stars at this stage is going to result, as you said, in the run. It's not going to be a window season outside of obviously Penrith and maybe Broncos. It's the run. Whoever from here can make the most of it. Healthy eight weeks.
Everyone has a different mindset.
If you're like one of those lowest sort of six teams, you're like, just fucking jag. Like just sit at 500, right? Three wins, three losses. It's not too bad until we just start getting through origin and all that sort of shit. Jags them through origin.
So we're not, it's just different. And then your Penrith is like, we just roll everywhere. Yeah, we'll get to the finals and we win. We'll get to the finals and then if you're another top four team, you're like, we need to position ourselves so we're not first round with Penrith. Yeah. Then good luck. The team we forgot is the Warriors, actually. Oh shit, yeah. If you go through origin period, they're a team that could benefit and be healthy at the right time of the season.
Are there any origin players? There's not one origin player. Not one origin player.
No. Right. Okay.
Well, keep eyes on that. Up the whys, eh? Jack Black. Up the whys.
Thanks for joining us, boys. Thanks, boys. We'll probably get you the back end of the season and see how all these predictions fanned out. Thanks, boys. Thanks. |
cracked | the_best_super_power_is_not_what_you_think_after_hours | I can't believe you guys didn't buy anything. Why didn't you go?
Movie trailers, booth babes, free food. Just sitting out. If you wait by the food area long enough and someone doesn't finish their food.
I wasn't aware that they actually sold comic books anymore. Philistines. You changed. So where's the convention? That was the deal. I'm not out like you guys.
If you could be any superhero. Superman. Batman. Then I'd quit being Batman and just be a rich guy. There it is. For the record, I only chose Supes because it's technically the correct answer. I would definitely pick Spider-Man in real life.
I don't care if it's wrong. It's a bad question.
Everybody knows Superman has the best powers. He's invincible, he can turn back time, laser vision. Faster than buildings, jumps over speeding bullets.
Basically whatever they came up with as they went along. I think the rule was Superman can do anything except stuff he hasn't tried yet. Define then.
How about which superpower would you have? But you could only have one and you should have to be you in your life. Can I still be Batman? Being rich of power?
No. Super strength. Classic. So predictable. Try saying that from space after I throw you there. Wait though, let's think about this.
Honestly, other than showing off, when do you actually use your real physical strength in life? Is it showing off when I let sick kids touch my ass? Seriously, you live in the 21st century, have a mate, work at a computer all day, and using your super strength in any sports scenario just ends with you accidentally murdering everybody else on the game field. Ice, court, just field, any of these would have been acceptable. You could help people move or huck stuff. Yeah, super strength would virtually guarantee that you're the first person people call whenever they need their crap haul. Same thing with telekinesis.
I'd be invisible, because there's basically nothing you can help someone else with by being invisible. And even if they ask, you just turn invisible. Plus, girls boobs would be powerless against my ability to look at them. Oh, come on! Invisible! We could still see her end in the chair and hear you breathing. And just being totally sexist. He's also sort of dumb. See, that's what happens when you're invisible.
Do you really want to know what people say about you behind your back? That's why I wouldn't want to be psychic. I mean, I only get to hear like 3% of what people are thinking, and I already hate almost everyone. If I could read minds, I'd probably just end up knocking motherfuckers out.
So, how was it? Crowded. Rampantly consumerist. How was what?
Manager really wants to go home right now with her. Any way that I can get close.
What about Lorian's healing factor? Just keeps you healthy and in your prime for all eternity? Assume, though, that it would heal him on a molecular level, which would make him immortal.
And that means you'll probably get trapped forever. What? You know, after an earthquake or falling down a mine shaft. So I won't mine. What? Living forever means the odds of you becoming somehow immobilized jumped you 100%. Do you even read correct articles?
I skim flight. Ooh! Well, it depends on how exactly you fly. If we're using comics as our guide, then you either fly by jumping, like Superman, in which case, get ready to fill your legs, shoot through your torso the first time you try to land, or you could levitate yourself, which is technically flying. But following our one-power-only rule, you could only fly as fast as you can run. Fly too high, you'll lose oxygen and pass out.
Too low, kids are gonna shoot you with paper. I'm just assuming that. No, he's right, because I'd pee on folks a lot. There's one guy in the world who can fly, and he's just taunting us merely by existing. Someone's gonna shoot that guy. Flying is a power you can only use to rub in other people's faces.
Other than that, it's just slowly moving through space, avoiding jet engines. Plus, you get super fat because you never have to move. Like Baron Harkonnen. Oh, I'm back into it again.
That's the problem with any individual superpower. Without the whole suite, it just sucks. The Flash would liquify from sheer Gs, and without super agility and strength, Spider-Man is just a guy with some sticky rope.
Spider-Sense is arguably useful. It depends on your definition of danger. I mean, do you get a constant low-level tingle because of today's downturning job market? That's less a power and more just worrying about stuff. I think it's specifically physical danger, like punches and villainy. So you'd know about danger slightly early, but you wouldn't have the super agility to fight off what's approaching. Or you could avoid it entirely.
I changed my answer to teleportation. Like Nightcrawler, lame. He has a limited range, like Jumper. Lamer.
It gets you in and out of any situation. You never have to walk. You never have to drive. You can go almost anywhere, do anything, and no one can say shit about it.
I mean, even if you saw their boobs, you'd just teleport. I saw your boobs. Sorry, you can't even hear me, because I'm over there thinking about your boobs.
Right, right. Assuming your clothes don't teleport, you'd have to be naked constantly. If I'm gonna be seeing boobs, I prefer it. Unlimited free vacations, no traffic, and you get into concerts for free. Naked. You get into concerts for free naked.
Time out. Careful.
Dan doesn't follow sports terms. Supposed to follow sports terms? I've been saying teams. No, it's not a sports term.
It's a saved by the belt term. It's the ultimate super power. The Zack Morris timeout. Okay. Are we broadening the purview of this debate to early 90s sitcoms? Because I have some very persuasive things to say about Stefan Urquell. Swapness, not a power, Michael. The ability to stop time, however, is. Clearly wasn't just a narrative device either. They showed several occasions where Zack used his power to affect future events. Usually it was in little ways, but that's what's so perfect about this.
It's not disruptive to your everyday life. It doesn't draw attention like super strength or flying. You don't need an alter ego or a costume. Zack isn't plagued by villains chasing him or hateful press or anything.
In fact, the only manifestation of his super power is that everything goes his way. You're dictating the outcome of every single event that you ever encounter, as it happens. You get to write your own future.
Zack Morris is the Ubermensch. You couldn't just have a whole conversation just about comic books? No, no, absolutely not.
You know the other good thing with that one? You could use it to see boobs. And butts. Excuse me. And vaginas. Time out. Okay, time in. That's fun. Yeah, we're closing, so just. Invisible. Oof babes.
Free food. Just sitting out. If you wait by the food area long enough and someone doesn't finish their food.
I wasn't aware that they actually sold comic books anymore. Philistines. You changed. So where's the convention? That was the deal. I'm not out like you guys.
If you could be any superhero. Superman. Batman. Then I'd quit being Batman and just be a rich guy. There it is. And for the record, I only chose Supes because it's technically the correct answer. That would definitely pick Spider-Man in real life.
I don't care if it's wrong. It's a bad question.
Everybody knows Superman has the best powers. He's invincible, he can turn back time, laser vision. Faster than buildings, jumps over speeding bullets.
Basically whatever they came up with as they went along. I think the rule was Superman can do anything except stuff he hasn't tried yet. Okay, fine then.
How about which superpower would you have? But you could only have one and you still have to be you in your life. Can I still be Batman? Being rich of power?
No. Super strength, classic. So predictable. Try saying that from space after I throw you there. Wait though, let's think about this. Honestly, other than showing off, when do you actually use your real physical strength in life? Is it showing off when I let sick kids touch my ass? Seriously, you live in the 21st century, have a mate, work at a computer all day, and using your super strength in any sports scenario just ends with you accidentally murdering everybody else on the game field. Ice, court, just field, any of these would have been acceptable. You could help people move or huck stuff. Yeah, super strength would virtually guarantee that you're the first person people call whenever they need their crap haul. Same thing with telekinesis.
Yeah, I'd be invisible because there's basically nothing you can help someone else with by being invisible. And even if they ask, you just turn invisible. Plus, girls boobs would be powerless against my ability to look at them. Oh, come on. Invisible. We could still see your end in the chair and hear you breathing. And just being totally sexist. He's also sort of dumb. See, that's what happens when you're invisible.
Do you really wanna know what people say about you behind your back? That's why I wouldn't wanna be psychic. I mean, I only get to hear like 3% of what people are thinking and I already hate almost everyone. If I could read minds, I'd probably just end up knocking motherfuckers out.
So, how was it? Crowded. Rampantly consumerist. How was what?
I'm not with them. Manager really wants to go home right now with her. Any way that I could get close.
Wolverine's healing factor just keeps you healthy and in your prime for all eternity. Assume though that it would heal him on a molecular level which would make him immortal. And that means you'll probably get trapped forever.
What? You know, after an earthquake or falling down a mine shaft. So I want mine. What?
Living forever means the odds of you becoming somehow immobilized jump to 100%. Do you even read cracked articles?
I skim flight. Ooh. Well, it depends on how exactly you fly. If we're using comics as our guide, then you either fly by jumping like Superman, in which case, get ready to feel your legs shoot through your torso the first time you try to land. Or you could levitate yourself, which is technically flying. But following our one power only rule, you could only fly as fast as you can run. Fly too high, you'll lose oxygen and pass out.
Too low, kids are gonna shoot you with paper. We're just assuming that. No, he's right. Cause I'd pee on folks a lot. There's one guy in the world who can fly and he's just taunting us merely by existing. Someone's gonna shoot that guy. Flying is a power you can only use to rub in other people's faces.
Other than that, it's just slowly moving through space, avoiding jet engines. Plus you get super fat because you never have to move. Like Baron Harkonnen. Oh, I'm back into it again.
That's the problem with any individual super power. Without the whole suite, it just sucks. The flash would liquefy from sheer Gs. And without super agility and strength, Spider-Man is just a guy with some sticky rope.
Spider sense is arguably useful. It depends on your definition of danger. I mean, do you get a constant low level tingle because of today's down turning job market? That's less a power and more just worrying about stuff. I think it's specifically physical danger like punches and villainy. So you'd know about danger slightly early, but you wouldn't have the super agility to fight off what's approaching. Or you could avoid it entirely. I changed my answer to teleportation.
Like Nightcrawler, lame. He has a limited range, like Jumper, lamer.
It gets you in and out of any situation. You never have to walk. You never have to drive. You can go almost anywhere, do anything, and no one can say shit about it.
I mean, even if you saw their boobs, you'd just teleport. I saw your boobs. Sorry, you can't even hear me because I'm over there. Thinking about your boobs.
Right, right.
Assuming your clothes don't teleport, you'd have to be naked constantly. If I'm going to be seeing boobs, I prefer it. Unlimited free vacations, no traffic, and you get into concerts for free. Naked. You get into concerts for free naked.
Time out. Careful.
Dan doesn't follow sports terms. Supposed to follow sports terms? I've been saying teams. No, it's not a sports term.
It's a saved by the bell term. It's the ultimate superpower, the Zack Morris time out. OK. Are we broadening the purview of this debate to early 90s sitcoms? Because I have some very persuasive things to say about Stefan Urquell. Swapness, not a power, Michael. The ability to stop time, however, is. Clearly wasn't just a narrative device either. They showed several occasions where Zack used his power to affect future events. Usually it was in little ways, but that's what's so perfect about this.
It's not disruptive to your everyday life. It doesn't draw attention like super strength or flying. You don't need an alter ego or a costume. Zack isn't plagued by villains chasing him or hateful press or anything.
In fact, the only manifestation of his superpower is that everything goes his way. Dictating the outcome of every single event that you ever encounter as it happens, you get to write your own future.
Zack Morris is the Ubermensch. You couldn't just have a whole conversation just about comic books? No, no, absolutely not.
You know the other good thing with that one? You could use it to see boobs. And butts. Excuse me. And vaginas.
Time out. OK, time in. That's fun. Yeah, we're closing, so just. Invisible. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Scotty_s_New_Solution_Heartbreaking_News_For_Jenny_Biden_Faces_Backlash_More_April_30 | You're listening to the Batooter Advocate's weekly news wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the weekly Batooter Advocate bulletin you're joined by the usual suspects in the shape of myself Clancy Overall editor of the Batooter Advocate Errol Parker editor at large hello Errol how are you? Good Clancy how you been mate? I'm not doing too bad I'm enjoying the winter chill but it's about to get a whole lot fucking colder out here how are you Wendell Hussey the news reader the Diamantina Shire's favourite news reader and traffic report expert. I'm well thanks Clancy can't complain on a Friday afternoon should be a good weekend up here in the Diamantina now we're going to start off with some political news and the Prime Minister has given Andrew Lamming a fidget spinner this week to try and prevent further sexual harassment allegations.
Yes Andrew Lamming the disgraced federal politician from Brisbane caused a few eyebrows to be raised this week after he tried to blame his unsavoury behaviour on his ADHD. The Prime Minister has refused to sack the weirdo MP but has announced a new strategy to try and manage him. I wonder why he wouldn't sack it maybe I mean it could have a lot to do with the fact that he would lose the balance of power be forced into a minority government and likely lose the seat in a by-election so the issue of accountability for elected officials accused of sexual harassment is off the table at this moment that aside Morrison's now given Lamming a couple of shiny new fidget spinners to try and stop him from upskirting waitresses until the next election. Well don't you think it's a bit funny how you know as soon as he started doing his own research into this AstraZeneca vaccine all of these allegations.
What else is in the news today Wendell? Well we've got another story from our national leader Scott Morrison has been forced to break the news to Jenny that unfortunately the overgrown lawn at Kirribilli House is a state issue. This is classic from the bloke in chief as the debate recharges over who should be doing what in regards to quarantining returning Australians the Prime Minister has as he's done in the past sought to keep reminding voters about exactly what is and isn't his job and what he can hand over to the states which is just about everything he faces criticism for now he's also made a point of pushing the responsibility of mowing the lawns at his taxpayer funded residence onto the states as well. Yeah and Bronte Scotty said after Jenny had been nagging him about lawns getting away on him he was forced to remind her that keeping the grass down is actually the responsibility of the states and his hands are tied on this one even if there is a mower sitting in the garage ready to go.
Well I'll tell you what they must have turned on that 5G at Kirribilli if that grass is growing that quick. Particularly at this time of the year. Mate I'm telling you. Okay one of the more overreaching conspiracies you've come up with lately Errol 5G is now responsible for grass growing faster. Could be something in it.
Now over in the United States of America gun enthusiasts are outraged as Joe Biden has placed restrictions on surface to air missiles. Yes under these revolutionary Constitution tampering new rules those were the history of psychiatric episodes who are currently incarcerated or who have previously been incarcerated for violent firearms offenses or who are under the age of 10 will no longer meet the criteria required to own a maximum of three surface to air missiles also known as SAMs at any given time. This is how it is all over again we spoke to Gus Bronco he is the outrage coordinator for the NRA and he said it might seem like a small step but it has huge ramifications for the right to bear arms. He said when our forefathers wrote the Second Amendment in 1791 about quote the right to bear arms it was clear they were thinking of the Raytheon FIM-92C Stinger with its three kilo annular blast fragmentation warhead traveling at 750 metres per second towards a mounted cavalry unit or a three mass wooden warship. Anyway this is a disgusting attack on everyday citizens of the great nation of the United States of America.
Now Dane Silk agreed with him in the comments section of our article online he said who amongst us doesn't wish they had SAMs every time the wanker up the road flies their drone around or the police for that matter you'll pry my A-10 Warthog from my cold dead hands so I respect the right of my compatriots to keep missiles that they may keep in check. A militarised society is a polite society he reckons. Well mate I tell you what if Howard didn't take away my SKS I would have really put it to good use with this vaccine roll out I mean you just see what they're doing to children and our old people and our vulnerable they're just taking them and they're just injecting them. News from Matilda and rural night carb patrons have respectfully waited until Kaysan finishes before punching on. Yeah a bit softer in this story I guess we should go back to entertaining the sheep. Yes it's great to see some more common decency in the world isn't it you know I think it's great. Certainly is Harold this heartwarming display of community took place down in our Roma Hills nightlife precinct over the weekend when all the sourced up locals patiently held their balled up fists until the last plane out of Sydney was really gone.
One of the patrons down there Bo Dean he said to us it's just out of respect for the venue for Barnsey for us as people. Dead set though look at that cunt staring at my missus over there. Well said Bo Dean.
Now we're going to wrap up with some sports news and George Christensen has quit politics for heavyweight boxing. He's called out Paul Gallin for a thriller in Manila rematch. Huge news for the member from Manila who has revealed that he's going to give up trying to win votes by posting conspiracy content on social media in an attempt to go viral. This husky northern lifelong bachelor who spent his entire political career lobbying for the sugar cane and coal industry says politics is broken you can't achieve anything anymore and he wants out. Well mate George is married now and you should know that considering he's the godfather to your third oldest daughter but we'll move on and he wants to start the next chapter in with a heavyweight bout against the G train something he hopes will live up to Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazier going toe to toe a few decades before him in the Filipino capital. Gallin has yet to respond however to the formal call out but fellow commentators on channel 9 frequently reference if there's money he's probably keen to do the dance. Let's get it on I'm sure George will have some good connections to sort out ring girls for that bout. Well hopefully Gallin coward punches him like he's well known for doing two innocent Queenslanders who were looking in the other direction and therefore banning closed punches in state of origin forever.
It will never be forgotten. Never be forgotten. Aidan Aro we won't forget that either.
And that is all we have got time for. We hope you enjoyed our coverage of all the big regional stories. Look forward to having your company again next time. Goodbye. Hooroo! |
TheOnion | New_Erectile_Dysfunction_Startup_Sends_Ripped_Virile_Man_Directly_To_Your_Door_To_Bang_Your_Spouse | Chaos and pandemonium at the presidential inauguration yesterday. Hear how crisis was narrowly averted, thanks to the heroic secret service agent who dove in front of the strong breeze that could have killed President Biden. From the Onion & Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is The Topical. The world is an ugly place, and if you're just figuring that out now, then this must be your first time listening. So welcome back with more, right after this. Officially introduce the 46th President of the United States, Joseph R. Biden Jr. Mr. President, get down, get down, everyone get down, secure the president. Harrowing news out of the nation's capital as we're learning more today about the secret service agent who narrowly saved President Biden's life when he heroically dove in front of a strong breeze that easily could have killed Biden. Joining me now is OPR assassination correspondent, Marcy Hammond. Hi Leslie, yeah, this is a tough day for America.
Thank God there are still some heroes out there willing to put their lives on the line. Very true.
Now we haven't seen a president's life in danger like this since George W. Bush choked trying to eat some colorful marbles. What can you tell us about the scene that unfolded? Well, it was chaotic in the moment, with the secret service quickly ushering President Biden off the Capitol balcony as the crowds scattered and people desperately searched for the source of the potentially deadly gust of wind. But the man of the moment is Agent Marshall Cole, who dove in front of the breeze just in time to save the president. I managed to speak with him afterwards to get a sense of just how he felt in that moment.
It's just instinct. Protect the president. That's what I've been trained to do for years.
So when I saw the leaves rustle and felt the breeze pick up, I didn't even hesitate. As you were lying on the ground, hair disheveled, chills washing over you. That was running through your head. I was just worried about the president. I didn't even think to check if I had been hit until he was safe. Thankfully, I was wearing a jacket.
Well, I'm sure all Americans share the thankful feeling that this selfless hero is OK. Absolutely, Leslie.
Agents on the scene tell me the breeze was 10, maybe 15 miles per hour. By putting his own body on the line, this agent undoubtedly saved Biden's life. That kind of wind could have blown the president's head clean off.
Oh, God. Please, Marcy, don't talk like that. I'm sorry, Leslie, but it's the truth.
People need to know how close this was. The fact that this gust could have left Biden's brain sprayed across the Capitol stairs is just something people need to reckon with. Jesus. OK, I guess the question we're left with here, Marcy, is how could something like this happen? How did this breeze even get an open shot at the president? Well, it's a good question.
There was a strong security presence and a perimeter had been set up to stop any insects or high-pitched noises that could have harmed the president. Marshall told me about some of the preparations that were taken. There were dozens of threats on President Biden's life we needed to be aware of. We had eight agents in place to protect the president from any uneven surfaces, and there was a slippery puddle on the walkover that easily could have done him in.
You just can't account for everything. But how did the breeze even get this close? We don't know. It wasn't on our radar, but we are already investigating in hopes of preventing a future disaster. We have evidence that the breeze may have crossed multiple states, possibly from South Carolina to get here, and there is growing concern that we may have a neo-Confederate breeze on our hands.
Good to know the Secret Service is taking this seriously. How has the president fared in all this? Well, he's shaken but in good spirits. President Biden's certainly aware this could all end at any moment, but mostly he has praised the bravery and professionalism of the Secret Service.
While several agents opened fire on the threatening breeze, he was whisked away to a secure underground bunker with no crosswinds, covered with a nice warm blanket, and served a mug of hot cocoa. Given how chilly it was, they had to be safe.
Well, we here at OPR wish the president well, and of course we'll be on the front line for what are sure to be a hundred more near-death incidents to come. That's OPR's Marcy Hammond. We'll be back in a moment.
Over the last four years, President Trump has made it a priority to reverse numerous decisions from the Obama administration, including leaving the Iran nuclear deal and defunding the EPA. But today, newly elected President Joe Biden is taking steps to bring the nation back to the Obama era by announcing that the U.S. would be immediately rejoining the Paris Hilton fan club.
For more, here's OPR senior political reporter, Dirk Mullins. Dirk, can you give us a little more context here? Of course, Leslie.
As our listeners may remember, Barack Obama originally signed the historic legislation making the U.S. a part of the Paris Hilton fan club in 2016, joining over 188 other nations in celebrating the career of the esteemed businesswoman-slash-model-slash-singer-slash-actress. However, once Donald Trump came to office, he made it a priority to reverse this decision. And what was the reasoning for leaving? The move was broadly consistent with the Trump administration's rejection of international cooperation, but more specifically, President Trump vehemently criticized Paris Hilton as being a spoiled party girl who's just sort of famous for being famous. And on several occasions, he even went so far as to imply that her celebrity was a hoax, being perpetrated on the American public. This was seen as a startling move at the time, especially since the U.S. joined only a handful of other countries, such as Iran, Iraq, and Libya, who refused to join the fan club.
Well, it's a different culture over there. So Dirk, now that we're back in, can you explain what it really means to be part of the Paris fan club? I spoke with Rashida Lewis, deputy spokesperson for the Biden administration. Here's what she had to say. Club membership comes with a series of benchmarks that nations are expected to meet, including a commitment to getting the simple life back on air and making a concrete economic shift towards Paris' lines of perfume and clothing. Interesting.
And realistically, how long will it be until the U.S. is officially rejoined? Well, because joining the fan group coalition is set up as an executive agreement, the Biden administration did not need Senate approval and was able to begin the process of rejoining today. But we won't become official members of the little Hiltons for some time. Here's Lewis again. President Biden has said that he will sign a bill on day one, reentering the U.S. into the club, as well as sending in a check with all laps due. So we are once again a member in good standing. From there, there are some logistics such as rejoining the Paris Hilton is my religion Facebook page and ordering millions of rest in peace Tinkerbell throw pillows so every American can honor Paris' pet Chihuahua. But we expect to be officially back within President Biden's first month in office. Well, I imagine that has to be good news for those who were upset we left in the first place.
Absolutely. Although there are those who feel that merely rejoining the fan club doesn't go far enough. Activists have expressed concerns that Biden may merely provide lip service to Paris fans by saying that's hot in a press conference instead of taking substantive actions such as signing legislation to protect her status as the most successful female DJ for decades to come. Well, no matter what ends up happening, it sounds like there's sure to be a lot more talk about how underrated her performance was in House of Wax. I expect so.
Thanks, Dirk. That's O.P.R.'s Dirk Mullins, back in a moment.
Well, it can be a sensitive subject for many men, but there may be some good news today for those with E.D. A brand new startup called Inuis is hoping to help those suffering from erectile dysfunction by sending a ripped, virile man directly to your doorstep to bang your spouse or partner. Here's CEO Dennis Whitaker touting the product's service at a recent rollout to investors. Just open the app on your phones, type in your address, and boom. The next day, you'll receive a discreet, unmarked 7x7 foot tall box with a 100% medically certified thick-haired sex-god inside, ready to bang out your partner.
Joining us here is O.P.R. senior tech reporter Alan Potts. Hi, Alan. Hello, Leslie. So, Alan, what's the thought process behind this new app?
Well, the idea is that traditional E.D. treatments make you feel shame over your inadequacies and never result in your partner actually feeling sexually satisfied. But with Inuis, no one has to know that you've essentially become neutered and can no longer provide your partner sexual gratification.
Right, but how do you know the sex-god showing up at your doorstep will actually satisfy your partner? Each Inuis hunk is carefully reviewed at the company's San Francisco warehouse so they can guarantee the proper level of virility, thrust speed, penis length, and girth. You can also, for a minimal price, request attributes for them, like making sure that the man's penis is uncircumcised or that he has visible cum gutters. They want to make sure that the box they're sending to your doorstep is right for you. Now what if your partner doesn't get aroused by a chiseled body or a traditionally attractive man? They have a solution for that, too. You can go on downgrade mode if you want, and Inuis will make sure you have plenty of doughy options to choose from. Whether that's a 5'6 male with a bad haircut and uneven balls, or a sad-sack who stays home playing video games and is awful to you for no reason at all, they have an option no matter what your partner is into.
Interesting. And people are seeming to like this new app? Indeed. It already has 500,000 users, and I must say, I am one of those users. Really?
Well, what was your experience like? Well, at first I was nervous, but when I saw that professional weightlifter from Serbia burst out of the box and screw my wife while calling me a calcium deficient impotent baby, it was all worth it.
That's great to hear, Alan. Thanks for coming on. Thanks, Leslie. That's OPR's Alan Potts. We'll be back in a moment.
Here at the Topical, we think it's important to take a look at positive things happening in the world and share with you some good news for a change. And if something like that ever happens, we'll be sure to tell you all about it. Until then, here's what else you need to know today. It wasn't all bad news at yesterday's presidential inauguration.
Those who were able to attend the ceremony in person wowed viewers with their fashionable wardrobe choices, especially Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack, who stunned the crowd as he donned nothing but a six foot tall husk of corn. Vilsack may have just started a new fashion trend with this one, folks. He looked great.
And the U.S. is well behind projections of where we should be in COVID vaccine distribution, and today we're learning more information as to why. Some health officials today say they have traced the slow vaccine rollout to being directly caused by sweet old ladies who are holding up the front of the line with their chit-chat. While at this rate we'll all be dead before those chatty old babushkas are finished swapping recipes, they really need to zip it.
And finally, it was quite a discovery for a team of archaeologists who today have uncovered an entirely separate team of archaeologists who were all digging up toward them from the other side of the globe. It will be interesting to see what these archaeologists are able to learn from the discovery. Always fascinating to think about what else could be right under our feet.
And that's the Topical for today, I'm Leslie Price. If you enjoyed today's episode, then you're about to be put on a watchlist, so you better subscribe to the Topical while you still can. You can also sign up to become a member of the Topical's Patreon, where for as little as $5 a month, you'll have access to all kinds of exclusive news content, including detailed blueprints to the Capitol building. And for just $10 a month, we'll even give you an on-air shout-out during one of our episodes, where we'll thank you by name or something similar that is appropriate for children. Today's shout-out goes to Casey Alexander and Jasper Johnson, as well as to a member of our $25 tier, Albin Rangefelt. Casey, Jasper, unfortunately your meager contributions were not enough to get you to the front of the COVID vaccine line, but maybe try upping your pledge amounts and you may have some better luck next month. And Albin, your second dose should be on the way as soon as you make your February pledge, so enjoy. And as for the rest of you, go sign up to become a member of our Patreon now. And don't forget to tune into tomorrow's episode of The Topical, where we'll sit down with OPR's relationship expert, who's going to share some helpful tips on how to reconnect with the loved ones you cut out of your life, now that you realize you need help paying rent.
Let's just hope they're all still alive. All that and more tomorrow on The Topical. The news doesn't stop just because this YouTube video has. For even more on all the worst things happening in the world right now, listen and subscribe to The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts, you insatiable news freaks. |
SaturdayNightLive | chef_show_snl | Two chefs, one cuisine, one winner, Chef Showdown. Chefs, It's been an emotional week here at Chef Showdown. we visited the oldest Black church in Georgia, where we learned about the origins of soul food in preparation for a soul food challenge.
What was that experience like for you both? Amazing, I felt connected to my culture, to my roots. it was really an honor. And you, Dougie? Ah, I mean, heck yeah, thumbs up, You know, it was great.
Now, for the challenge. You each were asked to prepare a soul food feast for our guest judges, the Reverend Jeremiah Fields. Blessings. And the Queen of Soul Food herself, owner of Sweet Matty's Kitchen, Miss Matty Johnson. Chefs, the judges tasted your plates blind, and they're ready to weigh in.
Judges,: What did you think of Plate Number One? Well, plate number one was perfect, okay? I could feel the soul, the brisket, the hopping john, the collards. this plate right here is the culture. Yes, yes, I agree. we don't know who cooked what, but whoever cooked plate one knew exactly what she was doing. Yes, she did. And what about Plate two? Plate two, uh, plate two, frankly, pissed me off. I mean, what is this? okra foam, cornbread, ice cream, hushpuppies, jalate. this ain't no soul food. this plate has no soul and no food. you got that right. Look here, my man, respect for throwing your hat in the ring, but this ain't it. Judges, today's winning plate is. Plate one? Yes, plate one by a mile. Congratulations, Dougie.
Yes, I'm sorry. I don't know. I just did my best. and I, again, sorry, I'm sorry. have you cooked this kind of food before? No, sir, I'm sorry.
But you must have grown up around it, right? I mean, where are you from?
Rhode Island. Rhode Island? No.
Well, I know what it is. I know what it is. your parents are black somehow. my parents are white, I'm sorry. Well, you should be.
Kelly, what the hell happened? I don't know, I live in France. I don't know, I live in France. you know what? they each had a helper though, right? from the eliminated chefs, that's what it is. that could be it.
Yes, Sous Chefs, come on out. you were here, Sous chef? Yes, sir, I'm so sorry. I made the collards. And what about you? I made the deconstructed Black-eyed peas. you need to kill yourself. Now get out of here, the both of you. All right, hold on, you know what? let me try plate two again. Maybe I missed something.
You know, now that I think about it, the Sous Vide catfish is pretty good. No, it is not, I'm lying, I hate this. What did you do to this catfish, girl? it's actually impossible catfish. it's made from soy protein. the judges. the judges have spoken.
Here to present the prize is culinary icon Padma Lakshmi. See? as part of your prize. the white boy won. really? how? I don't know, I did not mean to. Okay, Dougie, as part of your prize today, you'll be a guest on Miss Maddie's Youtube series, The Black Kitchen. it's so cool, I'm sorry. And you'll be an honored guest at this year's Essence Fest. Wow, no thank you. and you'll be made a cultural ambassador by. Howard University. I'm honored, But please, please take this off me. congrats, Dougie. congrats, Dougie, for putting the soul in soul food. Oh, come on, Padma, don't say it like that, please. |
dropout | College_Essay_Tips_For_School_Shooting_Survivors | Raphael here, and I'd like to say congratulations to America's high school class of 2020. You're on the precipice of your college career. But before you get there, you're going to have to write an admissions essay. Here's five tips to guide you. You've chosen a universal, relatable topic for people of today. Great, but it won't do you any good if you bury it. If you're into your second paragraph and you still haven't brought up your school shooting yet, you might want to make some edits to get into it a little quicker. The end of your first paragraph, that's about where we should be introduced to the inescapable nightmare that you've surely experienced. This brings us to your thesis statement.
If it's, I don't want to be shot at in school anymore, why don't you want to be shot at? Is it because you can't be expected to learn in an environment where your life is under constant threat? Is it because this is entirely avoidable yet the adults who are supposed to protect you stand by and do nothing? Or is it because your bulletproof backpack, a real product, is too heavy? Any of these things would help put a finer point on this super common occurrence, unfortunately. Right now, if you're thinking, why are you assuming I've survived a school shooting? Or I couldn't even imagine a shooting happening at my school. That's absurd and incredibly sad.
You're not wrong. You're just in the wrong place. You want our tips for non-American students because you're clearly not from here. But don't worry.
We folded in some tips for you as well. A good way to get overlooked is by using stock phrases. Here's an example from Lou Millepied in Sao Paulo. Nelson Mandela once said, education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world. Opening with a quote is an overused device and a big no-no. Now, Theresa K. in North Carolina made a similar but different misstep.
Webster's Dictionary defines a school shooting as an attack in an educational institution involving the use of firearms. Boring, right? Try instead school shooting is a term that is being constantly redefined by law enforcement and news organizations who don't always consider it to be a school shooting if it happened outside of school hours or if it occurred in an off-campus school event. That's how prevalent it is. They don't even count them anymore if it happened outside of school hours. Schools wanna get a sense of your personality.
Daniel S. from Melbourne did this by describing a family vacation. The sweet smell of freshly baked bread was my alarm clock in the villa overlooking the Italian countryside, the first place I ever called home and truly minted. Aw, so sweet.
Travis M. from Tennessee wrote, I've most often been described as and then a bunch of gibberish because their library was put on lockdown. At this point, I'm sure some people are still thinking, but I was told to write about a school club or a team that I joined. But the people who told you that probably went to school about 21 years ago, you know, before Columbine. For instance, Oliver G. of Kentucky wrote, oh wow, I stand corrected. Actually, Oliver from Kentucky wrote about how much his shyness affected his social life until he joined the debate team where he found a sense of belonging in a group of like-minded.
That never happened. He was scared to go back to school after an attack in the cafeteria. And that's all there is to it.
Stay tuned for our next video, Tips for Applying to Jobs, where you'll list how your school shooting will help prepare you for your office shooting because this crap doesn't stop in high school. Hey, it's Raphael. If you like college humor and want to support us, sign up for Dropout. For the low price of a whole lot of straws per month, you'll get videos like this a whole week sooner to chat with us live on the Dropout Discord and exclusive content such as Troopers.
Sign up for your free trial today. You don't need all those straws. Give them to me. |
dropout | paul_rudd_and_michael_pena_guess_who_s_57 | Welcome to Who's 57, the game show where people try and guess Who's 57. My contestants today are Paul Rudd and Michael Pena from the new movie Ant-Man in theaters July 17th.
Guys, thanks for being here. Thank you. No problem.
This is a real game show we made up. It's not scripted. We're really going to play it right now. Paul and Michael will take turns guessing famous people and whoever has more correct guesses is the winner.
How do you guys feel? Do you guys feel you know 57 year olds? Yeah. Everybody went online and I think maybe looked up a few 57 year olds.
I didn't know we were not supposed to look at, should we change it to Who's 56? Or could we do 58? Michael, we'll start with you. Who's 58?
Steven Spielberg. Steven Spielberg is 68.
Oh. Paul, this is your chance to take the lead. Who's 58? Kelsey Grammer. Kelsey Grammer is 60. That's close. That was warm. Alright, Michael. Who's 58?
Fran Drescher. I like that a lot, yeah. Oh, Fran Drescher is 57.
Oh! Oh my god.
She wasn't on your...
Paul.
What about Scott Valentine from Family Ties? Let's check it out. I'm going to go Michael J. Fox.
56. 57.
Oh my god. I'm all over it. I'm like horseshoes.
Michael J. Fox. Michael J. Fox is 54.
Alright, so how about this? If Kelsey Grammer is just a couple years older, what about David Hyde Pierce? He's younger. I'm going to go with that. That's my guess. David Hyde Pierce. Niles from Fazier, of course, is 56. Son of a...
That noise means it's time for our lightning round in which Paul and Michael will each have 25 seconds to name five celebrities in rapid succession. We'll start with Michael.
Ah, Ahmad Rashad, Prince, Bill Cosby. Bill Cosby, Eddie Murphy.
Linda Hamilton.
Wow, that was tough. Ahmad Rashad is 65. Whoa. Prince is 57 years old. No! Come on, dude. Bill Cosby is 77 and that's the most interesting thing about him right now at this point in history. Eddie Murphy. I like that guess, by the way.
He's 54 though. He's 54, yeah. Finally, Linda Hamilton is 58.
Oh! Oh god, it feels so good. I'm so sorry, Paul. I feel like you were ready for this. Go for it.
Vince Neil. Mm-hmm. Ronnie Lott. Sure. Let's try Kirk Pangaly from InXS. 10 seconds. No. Dwight Clark on the 49ers. Woody Harrelson. Got it. Vince Neil's 54. Yeah. Whoa! Shit. Ronnie Lott is 56. Oh! You know what? I wish we were playing Who's 56. I'd be cleaning up. Kirk Pangaly of InXS. It's 56. Ronnie Lott is 56. Wow. That's the sixth person. Dwight Clark is 58. You're on the board. Yeah! Tie game. Tie it up. Yeah. All right. He's going to be a 58 off. Woody Harrelson is 53. Yeah.
I thought he might be. I thought he was younger. I cracked to the pressure.
Guys, we are at an unprecedented juncture in Who's 58 history. This has never happened before. The game is over. So as a tiebreaker, you each will have one more celebrity to guess, and whoever is closer in age to 58 will be the winner. Andy Garcia.
I like the confidence. I like the guess. Oh, I like that. That is a good one. I like that guess. I really like that guess.
You can also say Andy Garcia. I'm just kidding. Tim Kazurinski. Kazurinski, Garcia. Yeah. Andy Garcia is 59 years old, so you're only one year off. It's going to be tough to beat. It's going to be really tough to beat Kazurinski, but if Kazurinski is 58, I'm sending him some stakes. Tim Kazurinski is 65 years old.
God damn it. Michael, you are our winner. No, you know what? It really, I know there was a lot of wagering going on, but it's not, well, no, it is a competition.
Well, it was inspiring to see you guys. You made each other better at the game, I feel like. It was a lot of fun being here. Be sure to see Ant-Man on July 17th and join us next time for Who's 58. |
cracked | breaking_bad_recap_from_100_years_ago_geek_week | Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it's that time, once again, time for the TV Internet Radio Hour, the only radio serial that's neither. Tonight's episode, Breaking Bad.
Sponsored by Dutch Nick Holland's Cura di Tonic. Available in unflavored or whore hound. I never knew anyone to recover so rapidly from a serious illness as one who is convalesced using Dutch Nick Holland's Cura di Tonic.
We take you now to a suburban ideal where all's not so swell with one Walter White, a mild man and mom at the local schoolhouse. I've got the consumption, Jesse.
Dig, Mr. White. Dig.
That's some bad juju, Daddy. You wiggin'. Ah, cram your condolences, you know good, Nick. I'm wise to your hop peddlin'. Only hop I know is of the sock variety, Mr. White. Don't kidda-kidda. Hop on Poppy.
Chinese knockout gas. Opium.
Cut me in and I'll be the best dance partner you ever had. Why, we'll make a million.
Not literally, of course. That's impossible, but a lot.
Okay, I'm in orbit. Sounds boss, man. We cool, bitch.
Gonna get letters about that one. Sorry, just what happens when you broadcast live, Daddy-o? Say, let's check in with old Uncle Hector. Heck, Uncle Hector, what are you trying to say?
Just use your bell. Well, I don't know about that. How about... I think I see what you're saying altogether now.
Who are you? Hello, I'm Gus. Lita!
I've said it before and I'll say it again. If you've got Capone's capo breathing down your neck, I need to know.
You, me, and the baby makes three, Walt. Make that four, Skylar. Here comes Walt Junior.
Hey, guys. Looking fierce, mama. Ahoy, ahoy, Junior. Off to school with you now. I love you. Breakfast was delish.
Don't you get it, Sky?
I'm doing all this for that poor disabled boy out there, so's we can get him the best shock therapy and prayer camps available. And I doubt the coppers will be so concerned for his welfare.
You dig? Dig?
God, Walt, you're talking like him. Ah, shut your trap. Cap! Who do you think you're talking to, you loopy broad? Some schlub? Noodle it out, ya sap. I ain't taking no guff from no one, no how. I am the one who guffs. You said it, Walt.
What's the haps, paps? I mean, Mr. White? Badger got pinched and Skylar's looking more London bridge by the minute. Any bright ideas, Jess?
So good, man. Meet my friend. So good, man.
What? I just got that. Oh, wow. Does that make me dumb? No, I didn't. That's crazy.
Moving on. Listen, Walt. Ah, nuts. I'm sorry, Mike. I just realized. I could have not shot you and done any number of other things with our drug money to get us out of this pickle. Oh, well.
If wishes were horses, huh? Oh, what manner of beast is man?
A skeet by a petite or two. Jessie! Skylar! Can it, you two!
You don't know nothing about looking no death in the face. Why, Walt? Why don't you just try and spritz at this? I stole it from a darling shop downtown. Marie, what in high heaven are you doing here? Never mind, honey.
That's Dutch Nick Holland's curative tonic. It cures tuberculosis? It couldn't hurt, Daddio. And he's saved! So's the kid you poisoned. That tonic's the cat's pajamas, mamas. Thanks, Dutch Nick Holland's curative tonic and laxative. Now I can sell opium for years to come.
Join us next week for another Bofo Crime Story. Can Skylar run an automobile wash despite being a woman? Will Jessie discover 43rd novel use for magnets? Is this show supposed to be from the 20s or written now but about the 20s? What's the deal with that? Find out or don't during the next brilliant installment of TV Internet Radio Hour! |
dropout | all_nighter_09_red_shirts | How is that not impressive? I mean, I guess... Yeah, that's fine.
Oh my god! Stop measuring your pubic hair! Someone's tripped the alarm! Whoa! We have an alarm? Shut up! You have to do something! Fine.
I'll go. But I can't do it alone. I need a team. Frankly, whoever comes with me now won't make it back here for the rest of the all-nighter. So any volunteers?
You guys. We don't even work here. Sure you do, Steve. You work in programming. His name's not Steve. Wow.
Rubble, you wanna get into this with me now? Okay, this sucks. You're clearly pointing us out so that you can demonstrate how dangerous the mission is without losing any key characters. Shut up! Okay? There's no time. I'm gonna be kidding you.
Why don't we get any guns? Yeah, you have two guns. Why don't we get one of yours? I barely know your name, man. Think I'm gonna trust you as a fucking weapon?
Okay. Gribbin, peek around the corner. See if he's there. Okay. He's there. Chop fan, go get him. Are you kidding me? No. Fine. Take Pikachu with you. Fine. Okay. Here you go. No.
Then you've compromised this mission. You don't got this.
Now it's just me. Kitty. From the white-ass kids.
It was supposed to be him. But he was late. |
TheOnion | Putin_Learns_Putin_Behind_Plot_To_Assassinate_Putin | Vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan begins attacking Mitt Romney's record as Massachusetts governor. A man thanks God he's not sexually attracted to children, and Popeye's home is boiglerized. Week in and week out, you come back like a housebroken Pomeranian, loyal to the bitter end. Good boy. This is The Onion Week in Review. Georgia's Cobb County Evangelical Hospital held its fifth annual walk to cure gayness today, reportedly drawing thousands of participants to raise funds that would cure sufferers of their homosexuality and make gayness a thing of the past. Hospital administrators told reporters that funding from the walk would go into providing new state-of-the-art gayness treatment equipment, along with remodeling the hospital's physical therapy center, which has spent nearly 14 years reteaching gay men how to walk properly. Oh God, I was a goner.
But as you can see, I'm now happily married to a woman, and as of next month, I will have been in full remission for two whole years. I'm just so very, very happy. Everything's really good in my life.
Researchers at the University of Washington report that they have successfully trained seven-year-old chimpanzee, Mokoko, to do all of the tasks necessary to conduct a three-year study on primates. According to the scientists, Mokoko has efficiently learned to turn in thorough analyses of behavior in chimpanzees, fill out all of the necessary paperwork to ensure compliance with the Animal Welfare Act, and even apply for supplemental grant funding from the National Institutes of Health. The possible applications for this research are truly very exciting. Mokoko's already given us a paper we can perhaps publish in one of the major journals, and who knows, maybe next week we can teach chimpanzees to dress us every morning, drive us to work, maybe even do our income tax.
Sources within your office reported today that the guy on the third floor with two computer screens on his desk is not fucking around. Coworkers said that the man currently working with at least three programs open on each screen was absolutely tearing it up, with sources adding that watching the man run a group video chat while dragging two separate Google documents to his second screen was like something out of Fucking Minority Report or something. Jesus, he's just dragging things from one screen to the other like it's nothing. He's going balls to the wall over there. Christ, man, I don't think he's blinked in three minutes.
And in Russia, high-level sources within the Kremlin report that Russian President Vladimir Putin has learned of an assassination plot against former Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, masterminded by former KGB director Vladimir Putin. Putin was reportedly heard raving that he knew Putin's fingerprints were all over the plan to kill Putin and signed an executive order authorizing Putin to assassinate Putin before Putin could give Putin the go-ahead to have Putin assassinate Putin.
In other news, the nation's economists are quietly evacuating their families, after-work drinks enters its third excruciating minute, and the nation's women aren't as crazy about Brian Gosling. You may now move on to whatever the hell else it is you do during the other 10,077 minutes of your week. Frankly, we couldn't care less. For more, visit TheOnion.com slash Newsbeat. |
SaturdayNightLive | why_d_you_say_it_snl | It's the game show. Everyone's talking about it. Why'd you say it with your host Danny? welcome to why'd you say it? Tonight's contestants are Danny. hey there Tyler, what's up World and Annie? Hi, Danny. Not sure what this game is, but I'm excited to play. Well, the game is easy. we show you a comment you left on Instagram and ask you the simple question. why'd you say it?
Oh no, thank you. As usual, one contestant has left immediately. Let's bring in our backup contestant, Jenny.
You'll find out All right, Annie, Let's start with you Do I have to Yes, Okay, Drew Barrymore previously and famously posted this video on her Instagram. Just a sweet woman enjoying the rain and you commented, die So why'd you say it? I meant die like I'm dying. I love this vid so much I'm enslaved, but I forgot the word. I saw someone being happy and wanted them to feel the exact opposite. That's close, but it's not the full answer.
I'm alone a lot. Some days I don't even interact with another human being and I start wondering, am I dead? Is life even real?
So I post comments that I think will get a response from someone because that's the only way to be certain. I really didn't understand what this show was when I signed up for it. they don't sign up for stuff I'd like to go home, please can't go home Recently, Aoc posted a picture with the caption every American should be guaranteed health care You commented hop for Congress, but at a party mid still smash though. So the question is, why'd you say it?
I got hacked. Instagram got hacked my ass typed it on a bumpy bus.
I guess I thought she'd see my comment and she'd comment back and we'd get into a fight where it gets really heated. You know. First she slaps me, then she kisses me and before you know it, we're having sex and your wife is here in the audience today.
No, she's not. You can try to manifest all you want, but it doesn't change the reality that she is here. You told me you don't have an Instagram, you're not real and none of this is happening to me.
Wow. Sad. Moving on. Jenny Cnn posted a news story of a New York Factory exploding.
You commented So awful Moved me to write this song with a non-working link to a song title. The Yeager made me do it. So the question is, why'd you say it? I thought it would help people cope with the tragedy. I thought it would provide closure. My song has an important message. let me play a snippet. wasn't gonna do it, but the Yeager made me do it. Why? You said? I'm three days from having to move back to Ohio because I spent all of my money recording. The Yeager made me do it and it has 279 views on Youtube and the only comment is would Smash!
You're welcome by the way. Okay, okay, we get it. It's wrong to leave mean comments or post comments just for clout or run your mouth on a podcast and you don't consider the impact cuz you're 24 and stupid. But I think I speak for everyone when I say from now on we're gonna be a lot more thoughtful about what we post online. That's sweet is what I would have said if two minutes ago, you didn't post this comment on my personal Instagram under this photo of me and my three-year-old son. you wrote what disease he has I I cannot change. That is correct. All right After the break is round two. Why did you comment cool under a movie trailer when you could have just smiled to yourself? |
cracked | overlooked_deaths_of_2016_part_1 | but we just went for a swim in it, and we ended up almost killing each other. The dead rising from the grave. Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together. That's hysteria.
Enough, I get the point. Yes, Mr. Drew. This man has no dick. No! You want one piece of life! This whole place is gonna blow like a frog on a hot plate. Yeah, right. What am I supposed to do? Go on television and tell ten million people they have to be nice to each other? Being miserable and treating other people like dirt is every New Yorker's God-given right. Tom, can you get me all done?
Can't do it, Sally. You won't believe this, but according to their records, I'm deceased. It's probably a mistake.
You're stuffing to a bite to eat? No, this is your new place. And then at the end of the feast, you will climb to the top of the big loo and you will jump in, okay?
Okay. He's not dead at all. In fact, he's right here in our control room. Abe? Abe is there in the control room? Oh, my God, it is. And that's Otis.
He's 77 years old and still works in fast food. I should have died years ago.
You're absolutely right on that, but every one of you guys have sinned. Mayor Ford, your time's up. I said, Ford, just cut some. No, no, no, no, money, money. Rob Ford did exactly what he said he was going to do.
You asked me a couple questions. What were those questions?
Crack cocaine. Exactly. Yes, I have some of the crack cocaine. That's all this music is, a youth movement. If we fill their hands with nothing but BS, they're going to go out like that.
It's been a long time coming, but then again, not so long. My name is Bernie Worrell. I'm going to keep on keeping on. I promise you that. Thank you. |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_chris_gethard | I'm very excited to be here, not just because I have such great respect for all my friends at College Humor, but because I have what at least I view on my end as a very strange relationship with College Humor users of the website. I've put videos up all over the internet trying to get my stuff out, and I've had not to brag. I've had a few videos featured on the front page of College Humor.
I've been a part of the last two all-nighters, and therefore I think I could say with some authority, the commenters at College Humor are by far the biggest assholes on the entire internet. Unquestionably, the worst... I want to look right into the camera and say this, the worst dickheads on the internet, which is saying so much.
Say it so much. I'm sure some of you are cheering because you are those people on your behalf. They make, I mean, like, worse than E-Bounds World. Come on, you know what I mean? Like, as mean as break.com guys, but smart too. That's what gets me about College Humor people. They're like vicious. They're smart. They're like sharks, and some of the comments I've gotten make me, A, feel really bad about myself, and B, laugh so hard.
Like, I once had a video featured, and within minutes the first comment came in, and that comment was within minutes. Damn, man, you got a big ass ginger forehead. First thing, anyone else who watched the video would immediately see that. Smart. I also got at the all-nighter this past year, someone said, you should advertise your need for parental love on that billboard of a forehead. Amazing, right? Worthy of your class, worthy of applause. But my favorite, all-time, two years ago at the all-nighter, someone said my all-time favorite internet comment directed towards me, so brutal, never even heard my feelings, immediately crossed over into I love it more than anything. Someone said, you look like you were born after Willem Dafoe raped your mom. Amazing, amazing.
Okay, I love it. I love it so much. And I get it. I get the joke.
The joke is Willem Dafoe, weird-looking guy, big forehead, his teeth don't really fit in his mouth correctly. I'm a weird-looking guy, big forehead, my teeth don't really fit in my mouth correctly, but what I love the most is that he used rape. He said Willem Dafoe fucked my mom or slept with my mom. He specifically said that Willem Dafoe raped my mom. And what's amazing to me about that is that in this guy's mind, I'm so ugly that hate was involved, which I find incredible.
And I did want to come here tonight. We have to sign releases, so if you wind up using this, commenters, bring your fucking worst, man. Bring it. There's nothing you can say that will actually hurt me, and yes, that is a challenge. Try, try, and nothing will top the Willem Dafoe comments, so the gauntlet has thrown you anonymous, snide little pricks. Bring it. I want to see what you--I will comment right back at you. I promise, little shitheads. Just the worst, the worst.
Thank you. Thank you for applauding me as I ask for trouble. |
SaturdayNightLive | please_don_t_destroy_ai_snl | Disclaimer,: due to a hard drive malfunction, some of Emma Stone's footage from this week's please Don't Destroy video was corrupted. but using advanced Ai technology, we were able to seamlessly replace any lost shots of her. Now, please enjoy. hey, guys. Emma. Hey. what's up? how's it going? we are such big fans. Thank you. Yeah, when we saw your name, we were like, are you kidding?
Emma Stone is hosting? Yep, is me. Amanda Stone.
Disclaimer,: the only cast member available to be the host body double was Punky Johnson. I don't mean to be weird, but you're even more stunning in real life.
And we just started watching The Curse. It's Awesome. The Curse?
Oh, am I that bitch from Harry Potter? Disclaimer,: unfortunately, Punky knows very little about Academy Award winning actress Emma Stone. or Harry Potter.
That's right. How many, oh, when did we all see? Totally, Emma. that's so you. um, but guys, you know, the real reason I'm here is Martin and I have something to tell you. Emma, I told you. I'm too scared. what are you guys saying? Tell them, Martin. What's happening?
Emma and I are in love. Now, give me a kiss, babe. Oh, we're fucking.
All right. no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. What?
I'm down. Punky. you look like a lot of the women in my Dms.
No, it's not a sex scene, Punky. Oh, it's about to be like that one time in college. can we just please, Punky? This is Not Going To work. Punky, head still. No one's going to think this is the only stone in the world. can't read the script, Ok? and action.
I love you more. Oh, Do Not touch my penis. it's just a penis. it's mine. No. Wow, that kiss was amazing. I still get butterflies. I love you, Emma. just hope my friends understand. it's just going to take a while to earn back our trust. right, Ben? Definitely. This is a serious betrayal.
Disclaimer,: unfortunately, some of Ben's footage was also corrupted. however, he refused to come back and reshoot because he had a dinner with some high school friends. luckily, Marcelo was around to portray Ben seamlessly. I knew you'd say that. you always say that. at least I know John will always be there for me. Disclaimer,: John didn't like how he looked in the latter half of the video, so he worked with our editors to make some changes.
Dude, what are you doing? Ben, stop. Dude, back up.
I'm the shortest one in the group, all right? I need this. our amazing editors completely understood and were able to seamlessly yesify him. So what do you guys think? do you approve of me dating Emma Stone? What do we always say? familiar. familiar, not lots of more talent. Come here, Martin. give me another kissy big hug. Let on me, you tall Harry Potter-looking bitch. God, Punky, you know what? let's do it. Ooh. Disclaimer,: turns out, Martin and Punky really felt a connection and have been casually hooking up ever since. Yeah.
Emma Stone is hosting. Yep, it's me, Amanda Stones. Disclaimer,: the only cast member available to be the host body double was Punky Johnson. the one and only. I don't mean to be weird, but you're even more stunning in real life.
And we just started watching The Curse. it's awesome. The Curse?
Oh! am I that bitch from Harry Potter? Disclaimer,: unfortunately, Punky knows very little about Academy Award winning actress Emma Stone. or Harry Potter.
That's right. ha-mee-oh! When did we all see? Totally, Emma. that's so you.
But guys, you know the real reason I'm here is Martin and I have something to tell you. Emma, I told you. I'm too scared. what are you guys saying? Tell them, Martin. what's happening?
Emma and I are in love. Now give me a kiss, babe.
Oh, we're f***ing. no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm down. he looked like a lot of the women in my Dms. No, it's not a sexy. Ooh, it's about to be like that one time in college. can we just please, huh, Punky? this is Not going to work. Punky, head still. No one's going to think this is Emma Stone. can't read the script, ok? and action.
I love you, Martin. Oh, Do Not Touch my penis. it's just a penis. All right, well, it's mine.
No!
Wow, that kiss was amazing. I still get butterflies.
I love you, Emma. just hope my friends understand. it's just going to take a while to earn back our trust. right, Ben? Definitely. this is a serious betrayal. Discreamer,: Unfortunately, some of Ben's footage was also corrupted. however, he refused to come back and reshoot because he had a dinner with some high school friends. luckily, Marcello was around to portray Ben seamlessly.
Well, like I said, I'm going to be fantastic. But I'm going to be honest with you, Emma. I knew you'd say that. you always say that. at least I know John will always be there for me. she likes it.
Discreamer,: John didn't like how he looked in the latter half of the video, so he worked with our editors to make some changes.
Dude, what are you doing? Ben, stop! Dude, back up! I'm the shortest one in the group, all right?
I need this! our amazing editors completely understood and were able to seamlessly yesify him. So what do you guys think? do you approve of me dating Emma Stone? What do we always say? Familia. familia de la se vordante. Come here, Martin. give me another kissy big hug. Let on me, you tall Harry Potter-looking bitch! God, Punky, you know what? let's do it. Mm. Discreamer,: turns out Martin and Punky really felt a connection and have been casually hooking up ever since. Yeah! |
dropout | hardly_working_speed_3_blabbermouth | Alright guys, we're all gonna take turns punching each other in the face as hard as we can last person to believe gets to kill The eagle we have in the conference.
Yeah Guys listen I just got back from an evil scientist and you put a bomb inside of my heart and another bomb inside of my brain and The thing is it'll go off when basically when I stop explaining what the bomb is about It's like this kind of weird little ironic little thing I don't know.
He's kind of like demented like that And he just basically strapped me up to a chair and he put it inside of me I can't stop explaining you see because when you stop explaining then you're gonna look yes But I don't think you fully understand that's just like the tip of the iceberg right because I have to keep on talking about it Or else the entire building was sort of right because that's how it works And basically you see you put one one bomb inside of my heart, and I forgot We get it.
There's a bomb I don't think you get it because if you I don't know if you got it You wouldn't be so not talk about it because basically I don't think you understand that we're all here.
Shut up.
Here's what you do listen |
SaturdayNightLive | janet_reno_s_dance_party_with_donna_shalala_snl | And now, from the home of the Attorney General of the United States, it's time for Janet Rito's Dance Party. Hi, I'm Janet Rito, coming to you live from my basement. Welcome to Janet Rito's Dance Party.
I really like dancing to that one. I want to dance to that one again.
Here's my towel. Bucky, thank you. Oh, Bucky's a really good friend and a wonderful gourmet cook. he's been with me for 13 years. I've spent many a night crying on his shoulder. he's fantastic. Thank you, Bucky.
Hey, I want to dance some more. play that song again. Janet, it's your President. President Clinton here. Janet, we want you to come on home. we're worried about you in Washington. you know we love you. you just stop this dance party madness and come on back with us. Who are you? I'm your President.
Janet, I'm not sure what's driving you, but I want you to know that no one holds you responsible for the events that transpired in Waco. Waco? dance party takes away Waco.
Get Out! Now Get out!
Okay, now. it's time for our spotlight dance with my very special guest. Please welcome Secretary of Health and Human Services, Donna Shalala. Donna? Donna, thanks for coming to the dance party. my pleasure, Janet. now, before we begin, you look lovely tonight. Why don't you tell the viewers what you're wearing? Well, Janet, I'm wearing a dark blue blazer with matching skirt, pearls, and brown shoes. you look like a pretty little china doll.
I just want to put you up on my shelf and dust you and look at you. But promise me one thing. promise me you won't let them break you. I promise, Janet.
Okay, great, Donna. What song you've selected for our Spotlight dance? I've selected Songbird by Kenny G. that's wonderful. that's wonderful, Donna, but there's no chance in hell we're going to hear it. play my song! that was really special. Thank you, Bucky, for holding the light, And thank you, Donna, for the wonderful dance. Well, thank you, Janet. I had a wonderful time. Donna, Shalala, everyone. boy, if I could bottle that, I'd make a million bucks easy. Now, dancing with us to all! Today has been the senior class from Ridgeway High.
Shut up! do you kids like to dance? Shut it Now! Then let's get one thing straight. you're all my guests here in my home, and if I catch any of you forming a mosh pit, I swear to God I'll be laughing my ass off when you kids eat it. Reno style. Now Dance! No mosh pit! I said no mosh pit! Join us next week when the dance party takes place on the deck of a battleship. Good Night! |
cracked | a_millennial_killed_a_piece_of_our_childhood_at_wwe_s_wrestlemania | Hey everyone, welcome to crack response WrestleMania edition. I am Adam Ganser. I'm Katie Willard. I'm Christian Ramirez. So a five-hour WrestleMania How was that for you guys? It's great.
I might have just forgotten all of it Like I might have watched it and then like blanked out on like how much time it was It's just a blur of tights and slams and feeling uncomfortable about really old men doing things The Hardys can still do it. Yeah, they were in the first tag team ladder match Yes, they won the first one. Yeah, Jeff Hardy's still doing swamp tons off a ladder knows that was that was that you're sure Every single main event had that was like that mattered almost had one person who Hadn't been wrestling for a long time and who was a flashback you had the hardy boys returning which is delightful You had Goldberg you had triple-h undertaker. It was like they brought back so many greatest hits for this Like as somebody who has recently fairly recently started watching wrestling like bra with the undertaker coming back Like I and it was his intro. Yeah, I had goosebumps and I was like flipping out like and I never I like vaguely Knew of the undertake because they hadn't really no frame of reference up until that point The undertaker is is such an excellent gimmick that even though he's a hundred and eighty years old And he wears a belt with his slacks like he wears like a unitard, but then a little belt You can see that exact outfit being employed in a really cool ballet show Speaking of coming in on a motorcycle. What is triple-h just gimmick now? I don't know the guy becomes some new strange like terminator inspired Mad Max Fear and every year and I'm like, I don't understand this man's running the company in the story Like he has a suit, but then when it's WrestleMania time, here comes a weird I mean like it's the same for Stephanie because she's like a business woman like she gets Done and she comes out like leather pants and like some like biker shirt I'm like do these guys are they in a like a biker gang on the weekend?
She took a great bump that was amazing. It was really good Because the fact that like he goes and he's about to hit her and he doesn't know when he bounces back and just hits the Rope and she just flies off. I was like well done.
Stephanie. No, so seriously the John Cena Nikki Bella thing. Yes Okay, here's my I have some issues with this.
I like the idea of it a lot I thought it was a fun different kind of thing to do at WrestleMania. There was like so much like he'll never propose Ever how could he ever propose not John Cena? He's a wild man Like it's like first of all, I know John Cena. He always does what we'd ask him to do He's a great solid soldier, so he's gonna do whatever the video But also guys Mickey did not look surprised which Thing is that they got engaged like nine months ago Of course and then but they didn't say anything and then they probably talked to Vince and we're like, hey we got engaged Do you want to use this and Vince was like yes, let's talk about the the women's championship match At the the wrong one specifically So they have four excellent wrestlers. Yeah in that division Charlotte Bailey Sasha and Becky Lynch are amazing and They I mean they have the talent to spearhead the division Oh, and so I think it makes sense that there were three of those women were in the women's championship match I think it was wrestling in 2001 like they had Triple H and The Rock and Mick Foley and big show It was like we have all these guys where it's like well, then you really don't have a match, right? You just have a showcase, you know, and like to me I think I don't want all the women's wrestlers Especially that many good ones to be in one match Yeah, like on a personal level and this is not even like there's not there's no politics to this Like this is just the truth I think Charlotte Flair is like second or third most interesting person on that show aside from being like hilarious Like she's like such a funny She also does incredible things every single match I'd never turn her off. I think she's interesting every single time and I've turned off almost all these dudes at one time or another Yeah, yeah, I think this group of women right now one day will headline WrestleMania because they're they're so talented So let's talk about let's talk about Goldberg Lesnar.
There were four moves in this match done multiple times There was a German suplex. There was an f5. There was a spear and there was a jackhammer I really don't think those guys can do more than that. We have rock leapfrogging Goldberg was the most impressive part. Oh, yeah Yeah, that's one of the things my memory was here's the thing and let's be honest like wasn't it fun to watch?
Yes Sure, I don't like either of those guys.
I mean Brock Lesnar is delightful in that He looks like an 80s villain. No, you cannot find a scarier looking human being Brock Lesnar is the only person the WWE that I think would like legitimately want to like if he had the opportunity to kill A person with his bare hands. He would be like, yes, I would like to take that opportunity Is there a more limber dude than then Brock Lesnar like that guy is the limberist all the time He's very loose in the right that guy like that guy has never had a cramp Ready to go all the time Goldberg by contrast for a 50 year old incredible shapes, right? I always have pitied people who like Goldberg and I'll tell you why it feels like they didn't know stone cold was a thing Yeah, if you like Goldberg, it's like oh you didn't understand there was a stone cold who was much better And like cuz Goldberg is just a guy walking to a ring and like lights and then like yeah, that's all he does He's one aspect of stone cold, which is the intensity stone cold was intensity He can talk the intensity and I also I'm personally just very bothered by the fact that like they choose to do like his music And then his fireworks and stuff and like him like oh here He comes and they'll cut to some bullshit backstage thing and like watch him walk all the way out and you're like What do you have the fireworks that? It's like I know he's coming that's what music does I want to talk about Jericho and Kevin Owens, right now If you're a wrestling fan this year, you're bummed that KO was not in the title match Cuz KO I think is is all the hardcore wrestling fans like favorite guys the best. Yeah, he's really good He's very funny, but also like has a lot of intensity, which I really like He got amazing air and like what I love about the WWE is there's a breadth of body types There's a breadth of characters that men and women doesn't matter like Everybody if you're an athlete Jericho like this was like this was the year that I came around on him because I've always found It kind of boring This was the year I was like that man's genius Like when he had the list and like he kept saying get it you're gonna get it like just so dumb It's perfect. They came back from he said get and then they went to commercial and they can't This year it was like it was The best thing they did it was so good Jericho is like he's like a costume Scorsese you right now. He just like I would never have thought of it. But yes, I do want Christmas lights and a leather scarf Here's my thing with Kevin Owens This is why I think they didn't put him in the title match because after WrestleMania the wrestlers all have to go on like today Shows and I really think they don't think Kevin Owens is like an appealing looking person to the average Joe. Yes I do think that he's this cool But it's one of those like this is why Roman Reigns is still in the picture as being the main guy Roman Reigns is like the even keelest dude in the world, you know Like you never like there's never gonna be an up moment with him.
Right? It's always gonna be like, yeah Yeah, I was he just walked he was like, okay I'm gonna go walk up the ramp now and I was like, that is not a fun match to do Like if I'm a wrestler even of his stature, I don't want to have to wrestle Undertaker's last man Yeah, even people that loved him were booing him when he came out like that. You're just not gonna be the good guy What's your best-case scenario there, you know, like it's the Undertaker's moment Undertaker is as we said a hundred thousand years old Like the ideal situation would be that Reigns fully commits to being a villain He wrestles like he's cold and calculated and like he knows that he's the best. That's how he wrestles so just have him go out there be a dick to the Undertaker and Turn him really turn him instead of this weird middle Luke I was hoping we were gonna get an x7 situation, right? We're like Stone Cold turned on the rock and it was like I was hoping that Reigns would like really go full out and like do the chair thing forever and like oh not to the Undertaker Yeah, even as he was like, you know every time the Undertaker would kick out He'd be like, why are you not done? Like he would say that right? He looked like so Pained to be doing this go easier for me, but I gotta say it was like the most Fitting and I think that of all the pieces of the puzzle that they put together In terms of like narratively and for the end of that storyline I think is the best way to end it for him the retirement part. Yeah, I think that like he had to lose You know, I had to hand it over taking off everything and then him kissing his wife was that's how I know it's done Yeah, that's great. I really like that and then walked up the ramp and then the guy didn't bring him down for nine hours Everything the Undertaker's ever done has been in slow motion Like like he has never he has never gone at 100% speed ever and like I was real mad at the dude I'm at like whose job was to hit the button. Yeah, pull him down into the fucking in the hell or wherever he's come from Another three minutes and it's like dude. He's standing there with his fist up. We like we get it It's the end of the breakfast club Do you hear I don't hear it I cried I sat there and was just like when he went to get out of the ring and they came back and like removed the first Glove, I was like, oh my god. He's gonna take off all of his accoutrement.
I was like, it's over Hey guys Saturday April 8th, we're doing a live after hours Katie Willard Daniel O'Brien Soren Bowie and I will be coming up with movie ideas too awesome to get made tickets are seven dollars There's probably more information somewhere on your screen and a place to click and buy them. So do that |
dropout | superman_s_villains_take_over_shark_tank_with_daymond_john | The supervillains are back in an all new season of Legion of Doom where hopeful contestants from across the world come with one goal to secure investment in their schemes to kill Superman. Welcome to the Legion.
I am be gone. My army of bank robbing bees and I are abuzz with hatred for Superman. So you have an army of bees. Okay with a small investment we can start a hive, hire trainers. Okay what I'm hearing is this. You have no experience, you have no strategy and obviously no sense. I'm out. If the villains hear a great plot they're ready to invest. So when Superman comes to save Lois Lane in one of my cages we reveal that Lois Lane is actually a hologram and in that cage is also a much much smaller cage and it's made of kryptonite. This is great.
It's like one of those ideas that's just so simple like why didn't I think of that. But if no one bites they'll walk away with nothing. Bizarro AM hate your idea. Sorry that you feel that way but I disagree with you.
No actually Bizarro's from the mirror dimension and that means he likes it. Oh okay thanks. But Bizarro also not don't have on concerns about sustainability of plot model in long term. Okay does that mean you're out? Yes. No.
I promise you if you just believe in me I will work so hard. I'll give you all of my heart. I'll take that offer.
Seriously sorry I'm out too. All that and more this season on Legion of Doom.
So Superman tries one of your Chia workout smoothies and then? I guess he enjoys them. I'm sorry I don't understand. Oh they're just smoothies.
I'm sorry I thought this was shark tank. Oh shark tank oh no no no no I'm sorry that's on the other side of the studio. Mercy please show her out to the shark tank.
Bye. Oh I get it.
It's a literal shark tank. It sure is a hell of a smoothie. |
ClickHole | how_to_draw_a_perfect_hand_turkey | Hey guys, Mike here. Today I'll be showing you how to draw a festive hand turkey just in time for Thanksgiving. Now when drawing a hand turkey, the first thing you want to do is take a few easy measurements. Plant your hand down on a stable surface and spread your fingers evenly, like so. Measure the length of each of your fingers and then use a protractor to record the angle between your fingers as well. Now you're going to want to take five ellipsoid objects, we're using kosher hot dogs here, and cut them to the exact millimeter length of your fingers. Now remember, measure twice, cut once. My nieces and nephews always forget that step.
After that, wrap each of the fingers in modeling clay to create a mold of your hand. Next, using the clay model, you're going to very carefully make a plaster mold of your hand. Now you may just be tempted to generate a 3D cellular pattern of your hand and then populate it into a G-code file to create a laser centered cast, but in my opinion, nothing works better than a good old-fashioned plaster mold. So once your mold sets, be sure to give it at least 36 hours to dry.
Once that's finished, you're almost ready to begin tracing. First though, you'll need to use a compass app that provides exact decimal bearing to locate true north, and then situate your plaster model on your sheet of paper accordingly. Put on latex gloves so that you're not getting any oil or finger paints on the plaster model, and once again, take precise measurements of each finger and crease to ensure the dimensions meet those of your actual hand. Now if they're a little off, no worries. Just discard the model and start again from scratch. Now's the moment you've been waiting for, the actual tracing. Using a finely sharpened technical pencil and a magnifying glass, slowly and meticulously begin tracing the hand.
Careful. Yeah, careful.
Just like that. Every curve and contour is just as important as the last. A well-drawn turkey is a happy turkey. That's what I always say. And there you have it, a perfectly traced hand shape. So now using your crayons, you'll want to draw in some feathers here, and the body here, an eyeball, a smiley beak, a little gobbly thing, and voila, a lovely and festive hand turkey. Thanks for watching guys, and have a happy, wonderful Thanksgiving. |
TheOnion | Nation_s_Mothers_Describe_How_Nice_It_Would_Be_If_You_Lived_Closer | I love hearing all about what you're up to. I just wish I could give you a big hug every single day. But you're an adult now, with your own life. Sure, I love when you come home for the holidays or for a weekend here and there. But how fun would it be to see each other all the time? It would just be so nice if you lived closer. If you lived around here, we could talk more, since you never seem to have time to call. It would be so much easier to explain how to restart the Wi-Fi in person, don't you think? Your father has done some really exciting things with the backyard. He can't wait to show you. We could finally meet that special friend of yours.
What's he do again? Business something? We can't wait to hear all about that. You know, it's not like it used to be around here. We have a Thai restaurant.
And there are so many young people. So many young people. And a lot of single people, too.
I don't like thinking about you driving all that way to see us all alone. I'm so lonely. I'd worry about you less if I saw you more.
That's just how a mom's brain works. I'm not saying you have to live right across the street. I'm also not saying you shouldn't. I wouldn't even have to bother you every time I want to come over. I could just check if your car is in the driveway and pop in. I could have my own key. Anyway, I'd be thrilled with you living even just a little bit closer, as long as I got to spend more time with you. Now this is not an invitation to move back in. We miss you, but your father and I are really enjoying our empty nest. You'll understand if you ever get around to having kids of your own one day. |
SaturdayNightLive | school_hypnotist_snl | Okay, settle down. Everyone eyes up here. thank you!
Alrighty, as promised, since our class sold the most cookie dough in the school fundraiser, we've earned a very special event. Joining us today is the magnificent professional stage hypnotist. Mr. Fantasmic. Hey there kiddos, how we feeling? that's what I like to hear. So today I will be performing the art of hypnosis commanding your very minds Now.
I need a volunteer from the audience. excuse me. excuse me. Ah yes, young man. would you like to volunteer? actually, I'm raising my hand to tell you that you do Not have my consent to hypnotize me.
You do not. My mama didn't sign no paper. I didn't sign no paper. I do not give my permission.
Oh okay, got it. that's totally okay. you do not have my consent. Sure, got it. Oh, what's your name, son? Solomon. Cool. So Solomon. this is totally optional.
Good, but if you try to hypnotize me. first call I make will be to my mother and the second call I make will be to the police. I got one of them training phones with only two buttons. so it will be quick Solomon Hon, take it easy. sorry. Mr. Fantasmic. not at all. no worries.
Anyway, volunteer. Oh, how about you miss?
Oh me sure. Great, please. come on up. Okay, now. close your eyes, listen closely, take a deep breath, and when I snap my fingers, your mind will be replaced with the mind of a chicken. Understood. Yes, sir. Okay, excellent. on my count. One Two.
What have you done to me Wallow, what have you made me say it? I'm not doing anything to you, Buddy. you hypnotize me without my permission. Devil, man, you have taken a lawful position of my mind despite my objections. Yeah, you're not hypnotized Solomon, so maybe we chillax a little bit. Oh okay, for the record, I'm not making this little boy say he's by man, you're freaking people out. Okay, he possessed my will and siphoned my secrets. he made me tell everyone I'm by what, he's fine, I'm not even a real freakin' hypnotist. Corinthians Chapter 4: Verse 68: The Devil may disguise himself as a friend, but he beware for he may appear as a hypnotist. Let go of that boys man right now, Who are you? You listen to me? Mr. Phantasmic? Lay down your weapon and release that little bisexual boy from your magic. Tell me how I'm supposed to be with No.
Tell me how I'm supposed to find a secret that I'm actually a really good singer. Okay, so you did all this just to show everyone You could sing.
Can't live, can't breathe with no air. |
SaturdayNightLive | kate_and_ali_saturday_night_live | You eat these biscuits before they get cold. I've slaved over them all day and you haven't eaten the one. Hey, hey, don't tell me what to do. if you put another biscuit in my face, I'm gonna knock you upside your head. I am so the greatest of all time. Well, that kind of talk will get you nowhere, mister. it's pure sham and you know it. like my father, I've had horrible sham. always have, never did like it at all. Hey, you are driving me crazy.
Hey, all I know is that my cufflinks are missing. I can't find them. maybe I sent my cufflinks to the Chinese Laundry with my shirts.
Ollie, I told you to put them in your special drawer, but would you obey me? No. I don't obey nobody. I did not obey. Sonny, listen, as your foreign passing was a rabbit, I didn't obey him.
And for an old, ugly white woman, you give me a tougher fight than Joe Fraser. Listen, Ollie, you heavyweight chump, just because you're so disagreeable, we're just gonna have to go down to wands and retrieve those cufflinks. that's all there is to it. But, Kate, you talk more of the Howard Crusoe, as is, after closing time. Well, I suppose we're just gonna have to break in, then. no problem. I can't break in nowhere. I'm a Muslim. how would you just do it? Ugh! What of a vote of development this is? Oh. oh. oh. oh. |
wearethesundayblues | braaiday_rebecca_black_friday_parody_derick_watts_the_sunday_blues | 7am waking up in the morning, get into my car, gotta go to the spa, gotta get wood, fire lighters and booze, gotta get meat cause time is ticking, on and on and on, everybody shopping, gotta get down to the meat aisle, gotta choose my meat, I see my friend, chicken on the top shelf, furry on the bottom shelf, gotta make my mind up, which meat should I take, it's pride day, pride day, gotta prepare for pride day, everybody's looking forward to the chicken, keep that pride day, pride day, light it up on pride day, everybody's looking forward to the furry, marinade, marinade, marinade, marinade, yum yum yum yum yum, I wish every day was pride day, gotta taste the corns, gotta check on the heat, count to 10 seconds, dinner's ready for the meat, tongs, tongs, hand me the tongs, now I'm thirsty, I got beer, you got beer, my friend is on my right, hey, what the crap, that's not beer, you're making us look bad, guys outside without cans, girls inside with their cans, you better make your mind up, which team are you on, it's pride day, pride day, grab your tongs, it's pride day, everybody's looking forward to the toasted summits, pride day, pride day, I feel like a man on pride day, everybody's looking forward to the lamb chops, turn the meat, turn the meat, yeah, spice the meat, spice the meat, yum yum yum yum, I wish every day was pride day, yesterday was pride day, pride day, today it is pride day, pride day, we, we, we so excited, we so excited, could this be the best one yet, I won't speak soundly because tomorrow when I wake up, lunch, yo, it's time for the ref, don't ask me why, I use my hands to describe this pride, I'm a black man, and I'm fashionably late, bringing style to the joint, all you haters gonna hate, I like my chicken well done, my beer's ice cold, I've been living the pride life since I was three weeks old, it's just one thing y'all should need to know, I like my bitches like my safe lots of meat on the phone, it's pride day, pride day, chowing down on pride day, everybody's meat has been cooked to perfection, pride day, pride day, having fun on pride day, all the guys haven't really touched the salad, only meat, only meat, yeah! only meat, only meat, yeah! yum yum yum yum, potato salad doesn't really count, it's pride day, pride day, winding down on pride day, all the guys they've disappeared when it's time to wash up, pride day, pride day, say goodbye to pride day, on the pride stage we can have another one real soon, next weekend, Next weekend, next weekend, next weekend No, no, no, no We should make tomorrow Friday |
TheOnion | Health_Experts_Determine_College_Social_Distancing_Guidelines_Still_No_Match_For_The_Jasonator | With universities in session and the college football season about to enter into full swing, there are new concerns surrounding COVID-19 on campuses across the country. Are social distancing guidelines doing enough to slow down the spread of the Jasonator?
And later, we're less than two weeks away from the presidential election and OPR's political experts are weighing in on why the stakes have never been higher. Should this be the most important election in the history of America's decline?
From the Onion and Onion Public Radio, I'm Leslie Price, and this is the Topical. Back with more news as soon as I'm able to un-lodge this swab out of my nose that came with my at-home COVID test that I ordered online. Stay with us. God, it is really up there.
Universities across the country are forging ahead with a fall semester unlike anything we've ever experienced, but new data today is showing that the safety procedures put in place by many schools may not be going far enough to prevent COVID-19. For more, I'm joined by OPR chief senioritis correspondent Marci Hammond. Marci, what sort of risks are we looking at? Well, Leslie, the Department of Health and Human Services has determined that despite a concerted effort by colleges, the social distancing guidelines that have been put in place are still simply no match for the Jasonator. I spoke with HHS deputy director Alex Collins to get a fuller picture. Throughout the fall semester, we've seen that universities may initially go a few days or even a week without any outbreaks, but as soon as the Jasonator shows up with a case full of brewskies and that devilish grin on his face, the infection rates begin to spike almost immediately. Now, Marci, let's get specific here. What precautions have colleges been putting in place to ensure their students and staff remain COVID-free in the event that the J-Dog turns a simple pregame into the party of the year by jumping off the roof of the house and into a swimming pool? While many schools understand that even the smallest get-together can transform into a super-spreader event and are looking to mitigate those as much as possible, but the risks don't stop there. The HHS has also found that any sort of in-person learning is prohibitively dangerous since the protections offered by masks or plexiglass barriers are undercut by our dude sneaking in an algene full of vodka to pass around to everyone in class.
Right. Some colleges have taken an even more stringent tact, allowing students on campus, but keeping them confined to their residence halls. Am I correct in thinking that this, too, still doesn't go far enough? Unfortunately, you're exactly right, Leslie. Here's Dr. Collins again.
While keeping students in their rooms may provide additional protections, it's far from a guarantee. We fully expect J-Money to get so absolutely plastered that he'll likely wander into a random dorm room thinking it's his own apartment and then throw up all over the closet. And to that end, contagion really can't be ruled out in any sort of social interaction since the Jasonator has scored with members of the dining hall staff, that cute girl who works in the bookstore, and even some of the townies.
Wow, what a legend. Absolutely, Leslie. Here's audio from one alarmingly epic event that took place during the first afternoon of freshman orientation.
Joe!
So, Marcy, it seems like the only truly safe course of action here may be banning Jay Nasty from campus entirely. Yes, but colleges are reluctant to take such an extreme step, especially since it still wouldn't necessarily rule out the wild antics of T-Bone, Moose, and the Chaz Man. And while doing so may help manage the outbreaks in the immediate community, there could still be more dire long-term effects since the Jasonator's parents are out of town for the weekend, and he plans to throw one of the most out-of-control ragers his hometown has ever seen.
Oh, is that this weekend? Damn, too bad. I'm going around the neighborhood and smashing up all my neighbors' jack-o-lanterns. Maybe next time.
You weren't invited, Leslie. And you don't know that, Marcy.
That's OPR's Marcy Hammond, who should really stick to reporting things she knows for sure are true. Back in a moment. As Amy Coney Barrett's nomination continues to move through the Senate this week, conservatives are hopeful the possibility of a Supreme Court majority means the days of on-demand cervical cancer detection will soon be over. OPR Supreme Supreme Court correspondent Rebecca Neal joins us now with more. Rebecca, welcome. Thanks, Leslie.
While liberals say Barrett's confirmation could have terrible implications for the future of women's health care, conservatives today are rejoicing. Many Christians, pro-life groups, and Republican leaders like Congressman Gary Smallwood say that once Barrett is appointed to the highest court in the land, they'll finally have the judicial power needed to shut down Planned Parenthood's agenda that provides pap smears and HPV tests that screen for cancer. Amy Coney Barrett's nomination is a victory for Christian America and Christians everywhere. She will give a voice in the Supreme Court to Americans who want to protect life, all life, whether it's a developing human child or a precious tiny tumor growing inside the womb.
Interesting. Rebecca, what kinds of restrictions currently exist on cervical cancer detection? Right now, the laws vary state by state, though with a Supreme Court majority, conservatives will likely be seeking an almost blanket ban on the federal level. Here's Smallwood again. In many liberal states, it's still as easy as walking into a clinic.
No questions asked. There's no reason needed.
It's disgusting. Well, those days are finished. Together, we will end on-demand cancer detection.
And in other more conservative states like Smallwood's home state of Texas, there are tougher obstacles in place. There, minors can't get screened for cancer without getting permission from their parents. And any woman thinking about cancer detection also needs permission from her sexual partner. In case they think she's making the wrong decision? Yes, because they say it's their cancer, too.
That's true. I still remember when my high school girlfriend got cancer. It was so scary. Luckily, a church group helped us out. Anyway, she's dead now. Aw. I'm so sorry, Leslie.
No.
It was the responsible choice. So what other tough pro-life laws have been put into place? Well, in Indiana, for instance, cervical cancer detection is legal, but if you get it removed, you have to bury or cremate the remains. Sounds expensive. It is, but lawmakers say maybe they should have thought about that before they went out and got cancer.
It's also becoming common to make women pay clinics multiple visits, the first being a mandatory ultrasound, followed by a waiting period. A waiting period? But won't it just get bigger during that time? Well, a lot could happen in that time. Sure, the cancer could grow or spread to other parts of her body, but what lawmakers are really hoping for is that the extra time gives the woman the chance to reflect and decide to keep it.
However, most Republicans don't think these restrictions go far enough, which is what makes Barrett's nomination so exciting to groups like Students for Life, who had a rally outside the Supreme Court this morning in support of Barrett. Here's organization president Tessa Gill.
Feminists want you to think it's healthcare. But we know it's killing. Feminists want you to think it's just a clump of cells. But we know cervical cancer is much more than that. Feminists want you to think it's empowering. But we know there are women who would do anything to have cancer of their own. Real women let their tumors grow.
We will be the generation that abolishes low-cost cervical cancer detection for good. The group is focused on stopping all cervical cancer detection, but particularly later-stage detection when they say a tumor as big as a cabbage is really no less human than you or me.
I've heard they can even have fingernails. Now, Rebecca, when can we expect to see the Supreme Court take action? Well, there's no timeline yet, but the Trump administration is pushing for it hard. For now, all we can do is sit and wait, though I will say I do find it inspiring to finally see a Supreme Court nominee who shops at Talbots.
Yes, at least she's someone young girls in knitted ponchos can look up to. Thanks, Rebecca. That's OPR's Rebecca Neal, back in a moment.
Well I hope you're sitting down, because a recent study has revealed some pretty upsetting news regarding the relationship between you and your personal friend group. Results from a comprehensive survey of your friends has found that they don't really think of you as part of the group.
Here to discuss is OPR popularity correspondent, Dr. Laura Daubert. Dr. Daubert, thank you for joining us. Thanks for having me, Leslie.
Now this is probably pretty shocking for the person listening to find out that the group of people they thought they were closest with don't feel the same at all, but how exactly did this survey work? Well, Leslie, it's actually pretty simple. Researchers just asked every single one of your friends what they thought of you, the person listening, and the results were overwhelming. They just sort of think of you as a peripheral figure in their lives that's just not really part of the crew. Wow, so you're saying all of these quote-unquote friends actually hate the person listening to this podcast? Well, hate is a strong word. These results seem to indicate that friends of you, the listener, don't even feel strongly enough about you to hate you. It's really more of an indifference than anything. They could really just take or leave you, because to them, who you are and what you are as a person is essentially inconsequential and holds no bearing on their lives in any way. Wow, in many ways that's even worse than being hated. Yeah, it really reduces the person listening down to just absolutely nothing. Just listen to what one of your so-called friends had to say about you.
Sorry, who? Oh, I think I know who you're talking about. The one that always lingers around the group and everyone just sort of puts up with. Yeah, they're more of an acquaintance than anything else.
Just brutal. Now is it possible there was a mistake in the findings? Oh, not a chance. The researchers cited a zero percent margin of error in their survey, meaning that beyond a shadow of a doubt, the people who you, the listener, rely on for emotional support and camaraderie hold no such affection for you. Just disinterested numbness.
But now what about all the time they've spent together? Surely they wouldn't interact with the listener if they weren't friends, right? Not the case at all, actually. Sure, you, the listener, might be included in a group chat, but you're certainly not in the main thread with all the actual close-knit members of the group. Not to mention all the inside jokes you're not a part of. And when you actually are invited to things, it's usually just an afterthought, or because it would be weird to only invite your roommate and not you. Really, the only reason communication has been maintained for so long is simply the fact that it would be more work than it's worth to cut you out of their lives completely. Well, maybe these just aren't particularly warm people. What do these friends think about each other? Are they equally distant? Interestingly, no. The findings quite clearly show that all of your friends actually hold a lot of fondness for everyone else except you. Even the friends that haven't known each other as long as they've known you, it's actually quite beautiful and meaningful for everyone that isn't you.
Mm, that is lovely. So I guess the question on our friendless listener's mind must be, is there any way to strengthen the connection, or should they just plan on being alone forever? Well, evidence suggests that there was one small window in 2017 when it seemed like you out there could make it into the group, but instead you were really annoying and fucked it all up for yourself, and now it doesn't appear likely that anyone will ever be close to you. Mm, that is a shame. Well, friendship may be a lost cause, but hopefully our listener will one day be able to at least find a special someone who's more than a friend and share their life with a person in an even more meaningful way. Actually, according to a similar survey of people you, the listener, have dated, not a single one of them have ever considered themselves in an actual relationship with you, nor did they feel any love toward you in the slightest. The most they ever felt when they looked at you was mild disgust. Well, that's rough. Too bad you out there have no one to turn to to make you feel any better. And unfortunately, you're not even an important listener to us either, and we certainly don't care enough to follow up on how you feel, so I guess we're just going to end this here.
Thanks for coming on, Dr. Daubert. My pleasure. That's OPR's Dr. Laura Daubert. Back in a moment.
Well, unfortunately, that COVID test swab was just too far up there to be salvaged, so I just pushed it all the way up and figure it's best to just let nature run its course. But just in case I accidentally punctured my prefrontal cortex, we should probably get through the rest of this news quick. So here's what else you need to know today.
In the wake of a particularly contentious clash between former Vice President Joe Biden and President Donald Trump last night, a Post-debate poll today has found that the majority of viewers agreed that America was a waste of time. After viewing the 90-minute debate, more than 54% of those surveyed were left feeling that the past 243 years have been a total waste and that they would be in favor of taking an unprecedented step in simply canceling America from here on out. It's difficult to see how we'll ever be able to turn this thing around after that.
And Rudy Giuliani is attempting some damage control today after appearing in what many are calling a compromising scene in the new Borat film. Giuliani today is crying foul, calling the scene, quote, a complete fabrication, and has even gone so far as to release a video of himself really masturbating to show everyone what it would actually look like. The clip from Giuliani is completely unedited and is very different from the Borat scene in question.
I mean, down on all fours, two hands, it's ugh, let's move on. And a fantastic new discovery in the fight against fat. Researchers today believe they have definitively traced the source of our nation's obesity epidemic to a fantastic little diner in Alabama that serves the most incredible cinnamon rolls. Ooh, that does sound good. Might have to head down south and give obesity a try.
And that's the topical for today, I'm Leslie Price. The news actually does stop once this podcast is over, but since you still have many empty moments of your life to fill, why not check out theonion.com for more on all the things you just listened to. And if your life is truly devoid of all meaning and fulfillment, why not sign up to become a member of The Topical's Patreon? Today we have a very special Halloween-themed episode made exclusively for Patreon. It's very spooky and is sure to help fill the lonely void that is your sorry weekend. So don't wait! Go sign up now, and we'll see you Monday. The news doesn't stop just because this YouTube video has. For even more on all the worst things happening in the world right now, listen and subscribe to The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts, you insatiable news freaks. |
TheOnion | Teen_Boys_Losing_Virginity_Earlier_And_Earlier_Report_Teen_Boys | A new study shows that teenage boys are having sex even earlier than parents previously thought. In a survey, nearly 100 percent of boys ages 12 to 15 report that they have sex all the time and are definitely not virgins. Teens say they've gone all the way on numerous occasions, including vaginal sex, oral sex, and regular sex orgies.
Joining me to discuss these findings is the study's author, Nicole Baron. Nicole, thanks for being here. Hello.
Why is this study such a surprise? Well, previous studies suggested that most boys lose their virginity at 16 or 17, but when we gathered 13-year-olds in a room and asked them if they'd had sex, they not only said yes, but they also were clear that sex was no big deal for them, that they weren't nervous before having it, and that when they do have sex, they do it for hours at a time. And you discovered that these young teenagers have sex with nearly every attractive woman they know, including their babysitters, teachers, and even Hollywood celebrities. When you look at these statistics, it's quite shocking.
That's right. Ten percent of boys in junior high school say they received a blowjob from Katy Perry while they were on vacation in Los Angeles. Now, if you're a parent worried about STDs, teen pregnancy, what should you tell your son? Tell your son about safe sex. Remind him that they do make extra large condoms, since nearly all boys told us that the regular ones are too small. That's right. Very good advice.
Now, the study yielded a host of surprises. One hundred percent of boys surveyed say they have pubes and even need to use shampoo to clean the pubes, because that's how many pubes they have. They're also all using deodorant. They have to.
And what about teenage girls? Did your study find out anything new about their sexual habits? We didn't talk to any teenage girls. The boys we surveyed told us not to, because they'd probably just lie and deny it. Very important stuff for parents and teachers to know.
Thanks for coming on, Nicole. Glad to be here. When we come back, meet the scientists who successfully taught a gorilla rudimentary sign twirling. |
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